The Sweet Hereafter

Executive Summary

Poster
Overview

Genres: Drama, Mystery, Family, Thriller, Legal, Romance, Slice of Life

Setting: Contemporary, Summer cottage, car wash, city phone booth, fairground, airport, motel

Overview: In the aftermath of a tragic school bus accident that claims the lives of several children, a small town is left reeling with grief and seeking answers. As the community grapples with the devastating loss, a lawyer emerges, offering his services to the families of the victims. Through a series of depositions and confrontations, the lawyer uncovers a web of secrets, negligence, and long-buried traumas that ultimately leads to a profound examination of justice, responsibility, and the search for healing.

Themes: Loss and Grief, Parent-Child Relationships, Justice and Lawsuits, Community and Neighborhood, Memory and Nostalgia

Conflict and Stakes: The main conflicts include Mitchell's struggle with Zoe's addiction, Billy's grief over the loss of his children, and Nicole's guilt and memory loss from the accident. The stakes involve family relationships, legal battles, and emotional healing.

Overall Mood: Serious and emotional

Mood/Tone at Key Scenes:

  • Scene 4: Serious and tense tone at the Bide-A-Wile Motel during Mitchell's meeting with the Walkers
  • Scene 11: Intimate and relaxed tone in the motel room during Billy and Risa's conversation
  • Scene 22: Nostalgic and slightly melancholic tone during Mitchell and Alison's conversation on the plane

Standout Features:

  • Emotional Depth: Rich emotional exploration of family dynamics and personal struggles
  • Legal Intrigue: Intriguing legal battles and moral dilemmas adding depth to the storyline
  • Character Development: Strong character arcs and relationships that drive the narrative

Comparable Scripts:

  • The Verdict (1982 film)
  • A Time to Kill (1996 film)
  • Rain Man (1988 film)
  • The Fault in Our Stars (2014 film)
  • Dead Poets Society (1989 film)
  • The Pursuit of Happyness (2006 film)

Writing Style:

The writing style in this screenplay is characterized by intense dialogue, complex character dynamics, and emotional depth. The scenes often explore moral dilemmas, legal conflicts, and personal struggles, blending intimate character moments with larger societal issues. The dialogue is sharp and witty, revealing deeper character motivations and conflicts. The narrative structure varies, with some scenes featuring linear storytelling and others employing non-linear or introspective approaches.

Style Similarities:

  • Aaron Sorkin
  • David Mamet
  • Richard Linklater
Other Similarities
Pass/Consider/Recommend

Recommend


Explanation: Overall, 'The Sweet Hereafter' is a strong and emotionally resonant screenplay that explores complex themes of grief, loss, and redemption with depth and sensitivity. While a few areas could benefit from further development, the screenplay showcases well-crafted characters, a compelling narrative, and a powerful emotional core that will likely resonate with audiences. With its thoughtful exploration of human resilience and the search for justice, 'The Sweet Hereafter' has the potential to be a powerful and memorable cinematic experience.


USP: Discover a powerful and poignant exploration of family, community, and the human condition in this groundbreaking script. Featuring a unique blend of intimate character moments and stark urban imagery, the narrative weaves together the stories of individuals grappling with loss, addiction, and the search for justice. The dialogue is sparse yet impactful, conveying emotion and atmosphere through subtle interactions. With its innovative storytelling techniques and distinctive characters, this script offers a fresh perspective on legal drama, family dynamics, and moral ambiguity. Dive into a world where the mundane and the extraordinary collide, shedding light on the complexities of the human spirit and the power of connection.
Market Analysis

Budget Estimate:$15-20 million

Target Audience Demographics: Adults aged 25-55, fans of drama with emotional depth and complex character relationships

Marketability: Strong emotional themes with relatable family dynamics and legal intrigue

Compelling characters and dramatic storytelling with potential for critical acclaim

Exploration of addiction and grief with strong performances from a talented cast

Profit Potential: Moderately high, with potential for awards recognition and positive critical reception driving box office success

Analysis Criteria Percentiles
Writer's Voice

Summary:The writer's voice is characterized by its blend of intimate character moments and stark urban imagery, which creates a sense of contrast and tension. The dialogue is sparse but impactful, conveying emotion and atmosphere through subtle interactions.

Best representation: Scene 1 - A Tense Conversation at the Car Wash. This scene is the best representation of the author's voice because it effectively blends intimate family moments with urban grit, showcasing the writer's ability to create depth and tension through contrasting elements.

Memorable Lines:

  • Mitchell: Every time I get on one of these flights to rescue Zoe, I remember the summer we almost lost her. (Scene 22)
  • Nicole: It just seems...kind of weird. (Scene 18)
  • Nicole: Once more he stept into the street, And to his lips again Laid his long pipe of smooth straight cane; And ere he blew three notes such sweet soft notes as yet musician's cunning Never gave the enraptured air - There was a rustling, seemed like a bustling Of merry crowds justling at pitching and hustling, Small feet were pattering, wooden shoes clattering, Little hands clapping and little tongues chattering, And, like fowls in a farm-yard when the barley is scattering, Out came the children running. All the little boys and girls, With rosy cheeks and flaxen curls, And sparkling eyes and teeth like pearls. Tripping and skipping, ran merrily after The wonderful music with shouting and laughter... (Scene 19)
  • Dolores: I remember wrenching the steering wheel to the right and slapping my foot against the brake petal. I wasn't the driver anymore. (Scene 35)
  • DOLORES: The true jury of a person's peers is the people of her town. Only they, the people who have known her all her life, and not twelve strangers, can decide her guilt or innocence. (Scene 26)
Characters

Mitchell Stevens:A lawyer grappling with personal struggles and relationships with his daughters

Zoe:Mitchell's drug-addicted daughter

Alison Jones:Mitchell's old friend connected to his family

Billy Ansel:Father dealing with the aftermath of a tragic bus accident involving his children

Nicole Burnell:A hospital patient with memory loss from the accident

Dolores Driscoll:The bus driver involved in the accident

Sam Burnell:Nicole's father navigating legal proceedings and family dynamics

Story Shape
Summary The screenplay is a deep and emotional exploration of interconnected lives following a tragic bus accident. Mitchell, a lawyer wrangling with personal struggles, meets various characters like Billy, Sam, and Nicole, each dealing with their own challenges and grief. The narrative weaves together themes of guilt, loss, and the search for justice, creating a tapestry of human emotion and resilience. As relationships are tested and secrets revealed, the characters grapple with the aftermath of the accident, seeking closure and redemption. Through poignant and introspective scenes, the screenplay delves into the complexities of human connection and the enduring impact of tragedy on individuals and their community.


Screenplay Story Analysis

Story Critique The screenplay presents a compelling and emotionally resonant story that delves into complex themes of family, loss, redemption, and forgiveness. The character development is strong, with each character facing internal struggles and growth throughout the narrative. The exploration of relationships and the impact of past traumas is poignant and engaging, drawing the audience into the characters' emotional journeys. However, the plot could benefit from tighter pacing and more seamless transitions between scenes to enhance the overall flow of the story. Additionally, some plot points may feel slightly contrived or predictable, detracting from the overall impact of the narrative.
Suggestions: To improve the screenplay, consider refining the pacing by trimming unnecessary scenes and focusing on key moments that drive the plot forward. Work on creating more organic and nuanced character interactions to avoid clichés and predictability. Enhance the emotional depth of the story by delving deeper into the characters' internal struggles and motivations, allowing for more authentic and impactful storytelling.

Note: This is the overall critique. For scene by scene critique click here
Beginning The beginning of the screenplay sets up the central conflicts and introduces the main characters effectively. The emotional stakes are established early on, drawing the audience into the characters' journeys. The scenes are well-crafted, with strong dialogue and character dynamics that set the stage for the unfolding drama. However, there are moments where the pacing feels slightly slow, and some transitions between scenes could be smoother to maintain the momentum of the story.
Suggestions: To improve the beginning of the screenplay, consider tightening the pacing by condensing certain scenes and focusing on key plot points. Enhance the transitions between scenes to create a more seamless flow of the narrative, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the story from the start.
Middle The middle part of the screenplay deepens the character development and explores the emotional complexities of the relationships between the characters. The conflicts escalate, adding tension and drama to the narrative. The themes of guilt, redemption, and forgiveness are effectively woven into the story, creating a compelling and engaging experience for the audience. However, there are moments where the pacing lags, and some scenes could benefit from more dynamic storytelling to maintain the audience's interest.
Suggestions: To enhance the middle part of the screenplay, consider ramping up the tension and conflict to keep the audience engaged. Focus on tightening the pacing by trimming unnecessary scenes and emphasizing key plot developments. Explore more dynamic storytelling techniques to heighten the emotional impact of the characters' journeys and maintain the momentum of the narrative.
Ending The ending of the screenplay brings closure to the character arcs and resolves the central conflicts effectively. The emotional resolutions are satisfying, providing a sense of catharsis for the audience. The themes of forgiveness and acceptance are poignantly portrayed, leaving a lasting impact on the viewer. However, there are moments where the pacing feels rushed, and some plot threads could be further developed to create a more cohesive and impactful conclusion.
Suggestions: To improve the ending of the screenplay, consider refining the pacing to allow for more breathing room in key emotional moments. Develop the resolution of the central conflicts and character arcs in a more nuanced and satisfying way, providing closure for the audience. Expand on certain plot threads to create a more cohesive and resonant conclusion that ties up all loose ends effectively.

See the full analysis by clicking the title.

1 - A Morning at the Cottage and an Uneasy Night in the City Serene, Suspenseful, Intriguing 8 8 79 7 587676776 89898
2 - A Tense Conversation at the Car Wash Emotional, Reflective, Confrontational 8 7 78 9 887786779 89988
3 - Tense Phone Call, Proud Father, and Helpful Stranger Emotional, Reflective, Nostalgic 9 8 89 9 787776779 99888
4 - Stuck in a Car Wash and Reassurance at the Fairground Confusion, Emotional, Suspenseful 8 9 79 8 787676788 79898
5 - Lawyer's Arrival at Bide-A-Wile Motel and Unresolved Business Conflict Tense, Melancholic, Suspenseful 8 8 77 8 787777788 79989
6 - Investigating the Lambstons' Neighbors and a Day at the Fair Serious, Emotional, Informative 8 7 89 8 789687879 79888
7 - An Unexpected Encounter: Mitchell and Alison Reunite on an Airplane Emotional, Reflective, Tense 9 8 89 9 8877767710 109888
8 - The Psychedelic Photograph and the School Bus Stop Affectionate, Light-hearted, Reflective 8 7 79 8 487362676 89888
9 - A Tense Conversation and Nostalgic Remembrance Intense, Reflective, Nostalgic 9 8 89 9 787776879 99888
10 - Billy Ansel's Morning Farewell and Family Dynamics Reflective, Melancholic, Nostalgic 9 8 89 9 787465779 89888
11 - Morning Disagreements: Childcare Arrangements and Roof Repairs Serious, Tense, Emotional 8 7 78 8 787766768 77888
12 - Mitchell's Revelation Tense, Melancholic, Inquisitive 9 8 99 9 887878979 98898
13 - Discussing a Potential Lawsuit: Mitchell Stephens Visits the Otto Residence Intense, Emotional, Confrontational 9 8 99 8 8879899710 109888
14 - Mitchell's Anguish over Zoe's Addiction Intense, Emotional, Reflective 9 8 89 9 8877887710 89888
15 - Billy's Playful Afternoon and Intimate Evening Intimate, Sensual, Emotional 9 8 88 9 787787779 89988
16 - A Cozy Evening with Browning's 'The Pied Piper of Hamelin' Reflective, Inquisitive, Nostalgic 9 8 78 9 687364779 88899
17 - Night at the Bide-A-Wile Motel: Reflections on Love and Motherhood Intimate, Reflective, Melancholic 9 8 79 9 7874636710 89888
18 - Nicole's Tribute to Mrs. Ansel Sad, Reflective, Nostalgic 8 7 79 9 787364579 88898
19 - Intimate Secrets in the Barn Intimate, Reflective, Melancholic 9 8 79 9 787574679 89988
20 - Berries on the Bus: A Morning with Dolores Mysterious, Introspective, Melancholic 9 8 89 9 787676778 78889
21 - Sean's Farewell and a Mother's Reflection Intense, Melancholic, Reflective 9 8 89 9 887778789 79888
22 - A Summer Cottage Medical Scare and a Young Doctor's Confidence Reflective, Intense, Emotional 9 8 89 9 887667779 79898
23 - Emergency at the Summer Cottage: A Father's Determination Tense, Emotional, Suspenseful 9 8 99 8 88798108810 79988
24 - Tragic Accident and Tense Conversations Intense, Emotional, Mysterious 9 8 99 9 8879899810 89888
25 - Tense Encounter at the Gas Station Intense, Emotional, Confrontational 9 8 99 9 8879899810 99888
26 - Dolores Agrees to Legal Action: A Step Towards Justice Serious, Intense, Reflective 9 8 99 9 887979989 89888
27 - Nicole's Discharge and Uncertain Future Reflective, Emotional, Hopeful 9 8 89 9 887376779 89888
28 - The Suspicious Room Emotional, Tense, Reflective 9 8 88 9 787676779 78899
29 - Unsteady Branches and Legal Battles: A Family's Struggle Serious, Reflective, Emotional 9 8 99 8 787778879 89888
30 - Mitchell's Daughter Struggles and Mitchell's Inner Conflict Intense, Emotional, Suspenseful 9 8 99 9 8879899810 89888
31 - Zoe's Fear and Need for Money Emotional, Intense, Heartbreaking 10 9 89 10 9878798710 99888
32 - Mitchell's Visit to the Burnell Home and His Conversation with Nicole Reflective, Emotional, Serious 9 8 88 9 887778779 89998
33 - Preparing for Depositions: Truth and Tension Serious, Reflective, Intense 9 9 89 9 887878879 89888
34 - Sean's Fearful Farewell and Dolores' Uneasy Deposition Tense, Reflective, Emotional 9 8 99 8 787778889 79888
35 - Sean's Near-Accident and a Tense Deposition Tense, Emotional, Reflective 9 8 99 8 887878979 89888
36 - Anxiety and Avoidance: The Approaching Visit of Billy Ansel Anxious, Reflective, Regretful 9 8 89 9 8877787710 89888
37 - Billy's Plea to Sam: A Desperate Attempt to Avoid Legal Consequences Tense, Emotional, Serious 9 8 99 9 887989979 99888
38 - Nicole's Disappointment and Frustration Melancholic, Reflective, Resentful 9 8 87 9 8877778710 99888
39 - Nicole's Surprising Testimony in Bus Accident Case Tense, Emotional, Serious 9 8 99 8 887989979 89888
40 - The Community Center Argument Tense, Emotional, Confrontational 9 8 99 9 8879789810 89898
41 - Reunion at the Airport and a Day at the Fairground Reflective, Hopeful, Melancholic 9 8 89 9 887675769 78998
42 - Signs of Acceptance and Closure Reflective, Haunting, Melancholic 9 8 89 9 8876777710 79888


Scene 1 - A Morning at the Cottage and an Uneasy Night in the City
INT. SUMMER COTTAGE -- DAY

A young family together in bed. It is a bright summer
morning. Father, mother, and a three year old girl are
still asleep. They are naked. A light breeze drifts into
the room. The scene is serene and softly suspended.

Head credits appear over this idyllic image. The little
girl turns in her sleep. A dog barks outside.
CUT TO

INT./EXT. CAR WASH. -- NIGHT

From the peaceful tableau of the sleeping family, the scene
shifts to a vehicle entering a car wash. The image is shot
through the windshield, from the driver's point of view.

The car enters the lathered world of spinning felt wheels
and gushing water.

CUT TO

INT. CAR WASH. -- NIGHT

Inside the car MITCHELL STEPHENS, a man in his mid-fifties,
listens to a stirring piece of music. The sound of the car
wash is filtered out by the strains of music.

CUT TO

EXT. PHONE BOOTH -- NIGHT

The phone booth is located in a rundown area of a large
city. A young woman, ZOE, enters the booth and lifts the
receiver.

CUT TO

INT. CAR WASH. -- NIGHT

MITCHELL STEPHENS is going through the wash. The automatic
mops and buffers embrace his car with water and suds. The
cellular phone in the car rings. MITCHELL picks it up.

MITCHELL
Yes? Yes, I'll accept the charges.

CUT TO

INT. PHONE BOOTH -- NIGHT




ZOE is on the phone. There's a figure outside the booth
waiting for her.
ZOE
Daddy, it's me...How are you doing?
That's great...Where are you?
What's that sound?

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary The scene opens with a serene morning at a summer cottage where a young family is waking up. The scene then shifts to Mitchell Stehens going through a car wash while listening to music and taking a phone call from his daughter Zoe, who is in a phone booth in a city and being approached by a figure. There is potential conflict between Zoe and the figure outside the phone booth, but it is not resolved in this scene. The tone is contrasted between the peaceful summer cottage, the mechanical and noisy car wash, and the tense and uncertain situation with Zoe in the city. The scene ends with Zoe on the phone with her father, while the figure waits outside the phone booth.
Strengths
  • Effective use of visuals and sound to create atmosphere
  • Intriguing setup of multiple storylines
  • Subtle introduction of themes and conflicts
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this scene
  • Some elements may feel cliched or predictable

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up multiple storylines and creates a sense of mystery and suspense. The use of contrasting visuals and sound enhances the overall impact.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of juxtaposing the peaceful family scene with the mysterious phone call and car wash is unique and engaging. It sets up multiple storylines and creates intrigue.

Plot: 7

The plot introduces multiple elements that hint at future developments, such as the phone call and the figure waiting outside the phone booth. It sets up a sense of mystery and suspense.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of family connection and urban isolation, blending intimate moments with industrial settings to create a unique atmosphere. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are briefly introduced but already show potential for development, especially Mitchell Stephens and Zoe. Their actions and dialogue hint at deeper motivations and conflicts.

Character Changes: 5

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the introduction of Mitchell Stephens and Zoe hints at potential development and growth in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of connection and communication with their family, as seen through the interactions with the young girl and the phone call with Zoe. This reflects their deeper need for emotional connection and belonging.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate through the car wash and answer the phone call, showcasing their ability to multitask and handle external challenges while maintaining their internal connection to their family.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a sense of underlying tension and conflict in the scene, especially with the figure waiting outside the phone booth. The phone call adds a layer of mystery and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and challenge for the protagonist, adding depth and complexity to their journey. The presence of external obstacles and uncertainties keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

High Stakes: 6

The scene hints at high stakes through the mysterious phone call and the figure waiting outside the phone booth. The audience is left wondering about the potential risks and consequences for the characters.

Story Forward: 7

The scene effectively sets up multiple storylines and hints at future developments, such as the phone call and the figure outside the phone booth. It moves the plot forward and creates intrigue.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected shifts in location and character interactions, keeping the audience on their toes and engaged in the unfolding narrative. The presence of external challenges adds a layer of uncertainty to the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the juxtaposition of family intimacy and urban isolation. The protagonist must balance their personal relationships with the harsh realities of the city environment, highlighting the clash between personal values and external circumstances.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of curiosity and concern in the audience, especially regarding the phone call and the figure outside the phone booth. The emotional impact is subtle but effective.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is concise but effective in conveying information and building tension. The phone conversation between Zoe and her father adds depth to their relationship.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic shifts in location and tone, keeping the audience invested in the characters' emotional journeys and external challenges. The blend of intimate moments and urban settings creates a sense of tension and intrigue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, moving between moments of intimacy and action to keep the audience engaged. The rhythm of the scene enhances the emotional impact of key moments and transitions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene effectively conveys the visual and emotional elements of each location, enhancing the atmosphere and tone of the scene. The use of transitions and visual cues adds to the overall impact of the storytelling.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a clear and engaging progression, transitioning smoothly between different locations and characters while maintaining a cohesive narrative flow. The formatting enhances the visual and emotional impact of the scene.


Critique
  • The transition from the serene family scene to the bustling car wash is jarring and disorienting.
  • The lack of context for the car wash setting makes it difficult to understand what is happening.
  • The music that Mitchell is listening to is not described in a way that helps the reader understand its significance.
  • The phone call between Mitchell and Zoe is confusing, as it is not clear why Zoe is calling from a phone booth in the city.
  • The dialogue between Mitchell and Zoe is stilted and unnatural.
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and direction.
Suggestions
  • Provide a brief establishing shot of the car wash to orient the reader.
  • Describe the music that Mitchell is listening to in more detail, and explain how it affects his mood.
  • Give more context for Zoe's phone call, such as explaining why she is calling from a phone booth in the city.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Mitchell and Zoe to make it more natural and engaging.
  • Add a clear goal or objective for the scene, such as having Mitchell and Zoe discuss a specific issue or problem.



Scene 2 - A Tense Conversation at the Car Wash
INT. CAR WASH. -- NIGHT

MITCHELL in his car, playing with the volume on his radio.

MITCHELL
I'm in a car wash.

CUT TO

INT. PHONE BOOTH -- NIGHT

ZOE
A car wash! Wow, I've never talked
to you when you've been in a car
wash. Make sure you've got the
windows closed.

CUT TO

INT. CAR WASH. -- NIGHT

ZOE
(over the phone)
Remember that time we were having
the car washed and I started playing
with the automatic window? How old
was I, Daddy? Five or six? I got
absolutely soaked, remember?

MITCHELL
Why are you calling me, Zoe?

CUT TO

INT. PHONE BOOTH -- NIGHT

ZOE
Why am I calling you? You're my
father. I'm not supposed to call
you? What's the matter with wanting
to talk to you, Daddy?

CUT TO
INT. CAR WASH. -- NIGHT

MITCHELL
Nothing's wrong with trying to talk
to me, Zoe.

ZOE
(over the phone)
So what's the problem?

MITCHELL
The problem is I have no idea who
I'm talking to right now.

ZOE
(over the phone)
'Cause you think I'm stoned, Daddy?
'Cause you think I've got a needle
stuck in my arm? Is that what
you're thinking, Daddy?

Pause. MITCHELL doesn't respond.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this tense and uncertain scene, Mitchell is in a car wash while talking to his daughter Zoe on the phone. They reminisce about an old memory of Zoe getting soaked in a car wash when she was a child. However, due to Zoe's recent drug use, Mitchell struggles to recognize his own daughter. Zoe expresses her desire to talk to her father, but Mitchell's confusion and Zoe's frustration leave their conversation unresolved. The scene takes place at night, with Mitchell in the car wash and Zoe in a phone booth. Key pieces of dialogue include Zoe expressing her desire to talk to her father and Mitchell questioning her identity due to her changed behavior from drug use. The scene ends with Mitchell not responding to Zoe's question about what the problem is.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external action
  • Limited setting

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional tension between the characters and sets up a compelling dynamic for future development.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a father and daughter reconnecting through a phone call in vulnerable moments is engaging and relatable.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the dialogue, revealing the characters' inner conflicts and setting up potential conflicts to come.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to exploring family dynamics and communication through a simple setting and dialogue-driven narrative. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their complex relationship is central to the scene's emotional impact.

Character Changes: 8

Both characters undergo emotional shifts during the conversation, hinting at potential growth and resolution.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to understand and connect with his daughter, Zoe. This reflects his deeper need for reconciliation and communication in their strained relationship.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to figure out why Zoe is calling him and to navigate their conversation without escalating tensions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a subtle conflict between the father and daughter, rooted in their past and present misunderstandings.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting emotions and motivations between the characters creating obstacles to their communication and understanding.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are emotional and personal, centered around the characters' need for connection and understanding.

Story Forward: 7

The scene deepens the characters' relationship and sets up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters and the uncertainty of Zoe's motives, keeping the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between the protagonist's perception of Zoe and her actual intentions. It challenges his beliefs about her behavior and trust in their relationship.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' vulnerability and the unresolved tension between them.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is authentic and reveals the characters' emotions and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional tension between the characters, the mystery surrounding Zoe's intentions, and the intimate setting of the car wash.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining audience interest through quick cuts and intense dialogue exchanges.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a focus on character interaction and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene is a phone conversation between a father, Mitchell, and his daughter, Zoe. Zoe is in a phone booth in a city and Mitchell is in a car wash.
  • The dialogue is mostly natural and believable, but it could be more engaging if there was more conflict or tension between the characters.
  • The scene doesn't really go anywhere and it's not clear what the purpose of it is.
  • The scene could be improved by adding more details about the setting and the characters.
  • The scene could also be improved by adding more visual elements, such as describing the car wash or the phone booth.
Suggestions
  • Add more conflict or tension between the characters.
  • Give the scene a more明確purpose.
  • Add more details about the setting and the characters.
  • Add more visual elements to the scene.



Scene 3 - Tense Phone Call, Proud Father, and Helpful Stranger
INT. PHONE BOOTH -- NIGHT

ZOE
Are you wondering if I scored,
Daddy, and I'm calling you for
money? That I'm begging? God, I
don't fucking believe it!

CUT TO

INT. CAR WASH. -- NIGHT

MITCHELL is emotionally stunned by ZOE'S voice. She is
heard over the phone.

ZOE
(over the phone)
Daddy! Are you listening to me,
Daddy?!

The music that MITCHELL has been listening to becomes louder
as he stares at the spinning felt wheels of the car wash.
ZOE (CONT'D)
DADDY!!!

MITCHELL
Yes.




ZOE
Why can't you talk to me?

MITCHELL
I...I just need to know what state
you're in so I know...how to talk to
you...how to act...

MITCHELL is in pain. He closes his eyes.

CUT TO

INT. PHONE BOOTH -- NIGHT

The phone booth is deserted. ZOE is nowhere to be seen.

Over this image, the sounds of a band playing a blues
number.

CUT TO

EXT. FAIRGROUND -- DAY

The blues number continues as the camera cranes down to the
bandstand of a country fair. A local band is rehearsing.

Around the practising band, various carpenters and
technicians are making final preparations for that evening's
big event.

One of the people watching the band is SAM BURNELL, a man in
his early forties. He watches his daughter, NICOLE, as she
sings into the microphone. NICOLE is sixteen.

NICOLE stares at her father as she sings.

ANGLE ON

SAM looking back at his daughter. He is intensely proud of
her. SAM is a carpenter, working on at the fair site. He
gets back to his work, hammering a supporting beam into the
grandstand.

CUT TO

INT. AIRPORT. WASHROOM -- AFTERNOON

CLOSE UP of a three year old girl, staring up into the lens.
Her face is full of sweetness and trust.

ANGLE ON




MITCHELL STEPHENS in a crowded airport washroom, watching a
young father, PETER, trying to change the diaper on his
three year old daughter.

MITCHELL stares at the little girl, his face registering a
wistful smile. PETER is having a hard time trying to find
the towel from the toddler's bag and keeping an eye on her
at the same time.

MITCHELL
Need a hand?

PETER
Sure, it you could find a towel in
this bag. I know my wife packed one
in there...

MITCHELL comes forward and searches through the toddler's
bag.

MITCHELL
You always think you're prepared for
these things.

PETER
Tell me about it.

MITCHELL
How old is she?

PETER
Almost three.
MITCHELL
(finding a towel)
Is this it?

PETER
Perfect.

MITCHELL
Here we go.

PETER
Thanks.

PETER lays the towel across the counter, and dries the
little girl. MITCHELL watches as PETER puts a new diaper on
her. The toddler stares up at MITCHELL, her eyes are
playful.

MITCHELL stares at the girl's face.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Family","Slice of Life"]

Summary This scene contains three sub-scenes with distinct conflicts and tones. Zoe calls her father Mitchell from a phone booth, confronting him about his assumptions, which leaves Mitchell emotionally stunned. In contrast, Sam Burnell proudly watches his daughter Nicole rehearse at a fairground. The scene then shifts to Mitchell assisting a father, Peter, in changing his toddler's diaper in an airport washroom, creating a friendly and calm atmosphere.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Exploration of family dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Slow pacing in some moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys deep emotions and explores complex family dynamics through well-written dialogue and poignant interactions.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring family relationships through parallel scenes is engaging and thought-provoking, adding depth to the characters and their connections.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the emotional phone call between Mitchell and Zoe, as well as the interaction between Mitchell and the young child in the washroom, setting up themes of family, connection, and reflection.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on family relationships and communication, blending everyday moments with emotional depth. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, adding to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions are portrayed authentically, allowing the audience to empathize with their struggles and relationships.

Character Changes: 7

Mitchell experiences emotional turmoil and reflection, leading to a subtle change in his understanding of his relationship with Zoe.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to connect with his daughter emotionally and understand her state of mind. This reflects his deeper desire for reconciliation and communication with his family.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to support his daughter and be present for her performance at the fairground. This reflects the immediate challenge of balancing work and family responsibilities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is emotional conflict present in the scene, particularly in Mitchell's struggle to communicate with Zoe and his longing for connection.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, adding depth to the protagonist's journey. The audience is left wondering how the characters will navigate their challenges.

High Stakes: 6

While the emotional stakes are high for the characters in terms of their relationships and connections, there is no immediate physical danger or life-threatening situation present.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides insight into the characters' emotions and relationships, setting up future developments and deepening the audience's connection to the story.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting emotional dynamics and unexpected character interactions. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the relationships will evolve.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the theme of family relationships and communication. The protagonist's struggle to connect with his daughter highlights the importance of understanding and empathy in familial bonds.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, particularly through the heartfelt interactions between the characters and the exploration of family relationships.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is poignant and realistic, effectively conveying the emotions and conflicts within the relationships portrayed in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, relatable characters, and dynamic interactions. The audience is drawn into the protagonist's journey and invested in his relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing emotional moments with character interactions and scene transitions. It maintains a steady rhythm that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions. The dialogue is well-paced and contributes to the overall narrative flow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure, transitioning smoothly between different locations and character interactions. It maintains a clear focus on the protagonist's internal and external goals.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Zoe accusing Mitchell of thinking she's calling for money, which is a strong start as it immediately creates conflict and tension.
  • However, the scene quickly shifts to Mitchell being emotionally stunned and struggling to talk to Zoe, which slows down the pace and makes the scene feel somewhat disjointed.
  • The cut to the empty phone booth is effective in conveying Zoe's absence, but it also creates a sense of uncertainty about what happened to her.
  • The subsequent cut to the fairground and the blues music is jarring and doesn't seem to connect well with the previous scene.
  • The brief glimpse of Sam and Nicole at the fairground feels like a distraction and doesn't add much to the story at this point.
  • The cut to Mitchell in the airport washroom is also jarring and doesn't seem to follow logically from the previous scene.
  • The scene ends with Mitchell watching a father change his daughter's diaper, which is a touching moment but doesn't seem to have a clear connection to the rest of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider starting the scene with Zoe's accusation and have Mitchell respond to it directly, rather than cutting away to him being emotionally stunned.
  • Explore the conflict between Zoe and Mitchell further by having them argue or discuss her drug use in more detail.
  • Consider removing the cut to the empty phone booth and instead have Zoe continue to talk to Mitchell over the phone, even though he's not responding.
  • Connect the cut to the fairground to the previous scene by having the blues music be heard over the phone, or by having Zoe mention that she's at a fairground.
  • Expand on the scene with Sam and Nicole at the fairground by showing them interacting with each other and talking about their plans for the evening.
  • Connect the cut to Mitchell in the airport washroom to the previous scene by having him think about Zoe as he watches the father change his daughter's diaper.
  • Consider ending the scene with Mitchell reflecting on his relationship with Zoe and his own struggles as a father.



Scene 4 - Stuck in a Car Wash and Reassurance at the Fairground
INT. CAR WASH. -- NIGHT

TIME CUT back to MITCHELL honking the horn of his car,
trying to get someone's attention. No response. MITCHELL
picks up his cell phone, and dials the operator.

MITCHELL
Yes, operator, I'm in a strange
situation. I'm calling from my car,
and I appear to be stuck in a car
wash...A car wash, yes...Is there
anyway you
could...Hello?...Hello?...

The line has died.

MITCHELL searches for an umbrella, finds one, and tries to
get out of the car without getting soaked.

ANGLE ON

MITCHELL as he leaves the car, trying to protect himself
from the onslaught of water with his umbrella. He is
immediately soaked by a large mop. The camera watches
MITCHELL as he makes his way towards light at the end of the
wash.

CUT TO

INT. CAR WASH. -- NIGHT

MITCHELL walks into the office of the car wash. No one is
there. There is an ominous buzz coming from another room.

MITCHELL moves towards the garage of the car wash/auto
repair establishment. He moves into a larger room, full of
discarded auto parts. The buzzing noise is coming from an
electric guitar, which has been left on, and is on the verge
of screeching feedback.

Someone was just here. They are nowhere to be seen.

MITCHELL
Hello?

No response. MITCHELL picks up the guitar, which begins to
produce a terrifying electronic feedback.

CUT TO

EXT. FAIRGROUND -- DAY




SAM and NICOLE wander through the fairground. Various rides
and concession stands are being set up. SAM has his arm
around NICOLE.

SAM
That was great.

NICOLE
Really?

SAM
You're going to blow everyone away.

NICOLE
You mean it?

SAM
Of course.

NICOLE
You don't sound like one hundred
percent absolutely sure.

SAM
I am. Really. It was awesome.

NICOLE assesses SAM. Sensing his sincerity, she throws her
arms around him in a gesture of unabashed excitement.

NICOLE
I'm so happy, Daddy.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Family","Mystery"]

Summary In this scene, Mitchell finds himself stuck in a car wash and is unable to get the attention of the workers. He becomes increasingly anxious as he tries to leave his car and enters the car wash office, where he finds no one. He then picks up an electric guitar, causing it to produce feedback. Meanwhile, at a fairground, Sam reassures Nicole about her upcoming performance, but Nicole senses that Sam is not completely confident in her. The scene ends with Nicole excitedly hugging Sam after sensing his sincerity.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Intriguing mystery element
  • Effective dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of clear resolution in some character interactions
  • Some scenes feel disconnected

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines elements of drama, mystery, and family dynamics to create a compelling narrative that keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of Mitchell being stuck in a car wash while his daughter is in a phone booth adds intrigue and sets up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through Mitchell's interactions in the car wash and Sam's supportive relationship with Nicole at the fairground, setting up potential conflicts and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique situation of being stuck in a car wash, combined with eerie elements like the buzzing guitar, creating an original and suspenseful scenario. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the mystery.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Mitchell and Sam, are well-developed and show vulnerability, confusion, and emotional depth, making them relatable and engaging.

Character Changes: 7

Mitchell shows vulnerability and confusion, while Sam demonstrates support and encouragement, indicating potential character growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Mitchell's internal goal is to find out what happened in the car wash and why he is stuck there. This reflects his curiosity and determination to solve the mystery.

External Goal: 7

Mitchell's external goal is to escape from the car wash and find help. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a moderate level of conflict present, primarily in Mitchell's confusion and vulnerability in the car wash and the emotional tension between Sam and Nicole.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Mitchell facing obstacles like being stuck in the car wash and encountering the mysterious buzzing guitar, creating uncertainty and tension for the audience.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not extremely high in this scene, the emotional and relational conflicts set up have the potential to escalate and impact the characters' lives significantly.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, relationships, and emotional dynamics that will likely impact future events in the screenplay.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements like the buzzing guitar and the deserted car wash, leaving the audience unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the unknown presence in the car wash and Mitchell's sense of safety and control. This challenges his beliefs about his surroundings and his ability to handle unexpected situations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from confusion and vulnerability to excitement and happiness, creating a strong emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and relationships between the characters, adding depth to the scenes and driving the narrative forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of mystery and suspense, keeping the audience intrigued about Mitchell's situation and the unknown presence in the car wash.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the resolution of Mitchell's predicament.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful mystery genre, with a clear setup, rising tension, and a cliffhanger ending. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene is very short and doesn't advance the plot or character development.
  • The scene is repetitive, with Mitchell repeatedly trying to get someone's attention and then being ignored.
  • The scene is not clear, as it is not immediately obvious what is happening or why Mitchell is stuck in a car wash.
  • The scene is not particularly engaging or interesting.
  • The scene seems to be a placeholder for a future scene that will actually advance the plot or character development.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the scene to make it clearer what is happening and why Mitchell is stuck in a car wash.
  • Add some tension or conflict to the scene, such as having Mitchell be chased by someone or having the car wash start to malfunction.
  • Cut the scene altogether if it is not essential to the plot or character development.



Scene 5 - Lawyer's Arrival at Bide-A-Wile Motel and Unresolved Business Conflict
EXT. BIDE-A-WILE MOTEL -- DUSK

MITCHELL STEPHEN'S car pulls into the parking lot of this
run-down roadside motel. In the fading light, a magnificent
mountain range is seen in the background.

CUT TO

INT. BIDE-A-WILE MOTEL -- EVENING

MITCHELL enters the reception area, and rings a bell on the
desk. After a few moments RISA WALKER appears. She is an
exhausted looking woman in her mid-thirties, once attractive
but very run-down. RISA stares at MITCHELL'S soaked
clothes.

MITCHELL
Hello.

RISA




Is it raining outside?

MITCHELL
No, I...had an accident.

Pause. RISA stares at MITCHELL, her expression somewhere
else.
MITCHELL (CONT'D)
Do you have a room?

RISA
Will you be spending more than a
night?

MITCHELL
Hard to say. I might have...some
business here.

A voice is heard from the darkness beyond the desk.

WENDELL
Are you a reporter?

MITCHELL
No.

WENDELL WALKER, RISA'S husband, appears from the darkness.

WENDELL
You here about the accident?

MITCHELL stares at WENDELL'S haunted eyes, then looks back
at RISA. He immediately knows their story.

MITCHELL
Yes. I'm a lawyer. I realize this
is an awful time, but it's important
that we talk.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Mitchell Stevens, a lawyer who has been in an accident, arrives at Bide-A-Wile Motel and meets Risa and Wendell Walker, the motel receptionist and her husband. After a brief conversation, Mitchell reveals his identity and expresses the importance of discussing business with them. However, Risa and Wendell are exhausted and reluctant due to their own recent accident. The conflict between Mitchell's need to discuss business and Risa and Wendell's exhaustion remains unresolved, creating a somber and tense atmosphere in the reception area with a magnificent mountain range in the background.
Strengths
  • Intriguing premise
  • Emotional depth
  • Tense atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Sparse dialogue
  • Slow pacing

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up a sense of mystery and tension, drawing the audience in with its intriguing premise and emotional undertones.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a lawyer visiting a couple involved in an accident at a remote motel is unique and sets the stage for potential conflict and emotional revelations.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Mitchell arrives at the motel and begins to interact with the couple, setting up the potential for further developments and revelations.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar setting but adds a fresh twist with its mysterious characters and underlying tension. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Mitchell, Risa, and Wendell are intriguing and complex, hinting at deeper emotional struggles and past traumas.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes as they navigate the emotional complexities of the situation, hinting at potential growth and revelations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth behind the accident and potentially help the characters at the motel. This reflects his deeper desire to seek justice and make a difference in people's lives.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather information about the accident and potentially take on a legal case. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in investigating the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is an underlying tension and conflict in the scene, as Mitchell tries to navigate the emotional complexities of the situation and the couple's past.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters' conflicting motives and hidden agendas creating a sense of uncertainty and tension. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as Mitchell tries to uncover the truth behind the accident and navigate the emotional complexities of the situation.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements and potential conflicts, setting the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' hidden motives, the mysterious circumstances surrounding the accident, and the subtle hints at a larger mystery. The audience is left wondering about the true nature of the characters and their intentions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of justice, truth, and empathy. The protagonist's belief in seeking justice clashes with the characters' sense of guilt and fear.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, drawing them into the characters' struggles and past traumas.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sparse but impactful, conveying the emotional weight of the situation and hinting at deeper layers of the characters' relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mysterious atmosphere, intriguing characters, and subtle hints at a larger story. The tension between the characters keeps the audience invested in the unfolding drama.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense. The dialogue and character interactions flow smoothly, keeping the audience engaged and eager to learn more.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings and character descriptions. The dialogue is formatted correctly, enhancing the readability of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene transitions and character introductions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction. It's not immediately clear what Mitchell wants or what he hopes to achieve by talking to the Walkers.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a very formal and expository way, which doesn't sound like real conversation.
  • The scene is too short and doesn't give the audience enough time to get to know the characters or the situation.
  • The scene doesn't advance the plot in any meaningful way. It feels like a filler scene that could be cut without losing anything important.
Suggestions
  • Give Mitchell a clear goal for the scene. What does he want to achieve by talking to the Walkers? Is he trying to get information? Offer his services? Something else?
  • Re-write the dialogue to make it more natural and conversational. The characters should speak like real people, not like they're reading from a script.
  • Expand the scene to give the audience more time to get to know the characters and the situation. Add more details about the Walkers' lives, their relationship with Mitchell, and the circumstances of the accident.
  • Consider how the scene can advance the plot. What information does Mitchell learn from the Walkers? What decisions does he make as a result of this conversation? How does this scene bring him closer to his goal?



Scene 6 - Investigating the Lambstons' Neighbors and a Day at the Fair
EXT. FAIRGROUND -- DAY

A group of men are setting up the ferris wheel for the
country fair. SAM and NICOLE walk into the shot, eating ice
cream cones. SAM waves at someone he recognizes in the
distance.

SAM
Let's sit down.

NICOLE nods, her mind elsewhere.
CUT TO

EXT. FAIRGROUND -- DAY

SAM and NICOLE are sitting at an outside table, finishing
their cones.

A school bus pulls up into the fairground. NICOLE watches
as young children spill out of the bus and gather outside.

NICOLE smiles at this scene. SAM notices, turns around to
see the children, then turns back to NICOLE.

SAM
What's so funny?

NICOLE
Just the way Dolores gets so excited
about bringing the kids to check out
the animals. It's like the biggest
thing in her life.

ANGLE ON

DOLORES DRISCOLL, a warm and cheery woman in her forties,
leading the young children into the large exhibition barn on
the fair site.

DOLORES
Alright, kids. I want you all to
listen to me. Rule number one No
one is allowed to stick their
fingers into the cages. I don't
care how cute some of these animals
may be, the fact is they don't like
being here, no matter how many
ribbons some of them have won...

CUT TO

INT. BIDE-A-WILE MOTEL -- EVENING

MITCHELL STEPHENS is having a meeting with WENDELL and RISA
WALKER in their livingroom behind the reception area.
MITCHELL has a pad of paper and is taking notes.

WENDELL
Kyle Lambston's a drunk. Nobody
likes him. He's a nasty piece of
work.

MITCHELL
In what way?




WENDELL
Been drinking since high school.
Fucked himself up. Used to be smart
enough.

MITCHELL
Any criminal record?

WENDELL
Probably half a dozen traffic
convictions. Drunk driving. Lost
his licence. That's why he don't
work no more.

WENDELL
Can't get off that shitty dump they
live on. What little money comes in
goes to booze.

MITCHELL
How does the family survive?

WENDELL
Don't know. Food banks, welfare,
church charity. They scrape by.

MITCHELL looks at RISA, who has remained silent.

MITCHELL
What about Doreen?

RISA
She...she was a friend of mine.

MITCHELL
When?

RISA
At school. She fell for Kyle just
before we graduated. Got pregnant,
and...went to live in a trailer up
on a woodlot Kyle's dad used to own.
Kyle started spending more and more
time at the Spread Eagle...
MITCHELL
That's the local bar?

RISA
(nodding)
...coming home drunk and I guess
feeling trapped by his life and
blaming her for that...and...




RISA hesitates.

WENDELL
Taking it out on her.

MITCHELL stops taking notes, and looks at the WALKERS.

MITCHELL
He beat her?

RISA nods. MITCHELL crosses the LAMBSTONS off of his list.
He looks up at RISA and WENDELL.

MITCHELL (CONT'D)
You see, to do this right, to
actually have a chance at winning -
of getting some money to compensate
you for the loss of your boy - we
need folks like you. Sensitive,
loving parents. People with no
criminal background or history of
trouble in town. Do you understand?

The WALKERS nod.

MITCHELL (CONT'D)
Now, of all these parents you've
told me about whose kids were
killed, who would you consider to be
good upstanding neighbors?

RISA stares hard at MITCHELL.

RISA
What do you mean?
MITCHELL
People who will help our cause.

Pause.

RISA
Well, there's the Hamiltons. Joe
and Shelly Hamilton.

WENDELL
(caustically)
Yeah, right.

Beat. MITCHELL looks at WENDELL, waiting for an
explanation.

WENDELL (CONT'D)




I mean, everyone knows Joey steals
antiques from summer cottages.
Resells them to dealers in the city.
He's been doing that for years.

MITCHELL regards WENDELL with a slight smile of admiration.

MITCHELL
That's great, Wendell. That's the
sort of thing I need to know. So it
doesn't come back to haunt our case
later on.

RISA
There's the Prescots...

WENDELL
That sonofabitch owes thousands to
the bank and half the businesses in
town. He's about to lose his house
and car.

RISA
But Charlene...

WENDELL
Charlene's over at the Spread Eagle
every other night. Sleeps with
whatever she can get her hands on.
She'll go down for a pat on the head
and a fistful of peanuts.

MITCHELL is taking notes.

WENDELL (CONT'D)
Don't even think of the Bilodeaus or
the Atwaters. They're all inbred.

RISA
The Ottos.

Pause. MITCHELL waits. No response from WENDELL.

MITCHELL
Tell me about the Ottos.

RISA
Wanda and Hartley. They lost Bear.
He was their adopted son. A
beautiful boy. Indian.

MITCHELL
Indian?




RISA
Yes.

MITCHELL
That's good. Judges like adopted
Indian boys. Tell me more about the
Ottos.

As RISA talks, MITCHELL takes notes.

RISA
They're smart. Been to college.
They moved here from the city about
a dozen years ago.

MITCHELL
What do they do?

RISA
Crafts.
MITCHELL
Crafts?

RISA
Wanda does these photographic
things. That's one of her pictures
on the wall.

WENDELL
Yeah, well, they probably smoke
weed.

RISA
You don't know that.

MITCHELL
Have they ever been busted?

RISA
No.

WENDELL
You don't know is what you mean.

MITCHELL regards the tension between RISA and WENDELL as he
continues to make notes.

MITCHELL'S cell phone rings. He answers it.

MITCHELL
Yes, I'll accept the charges.

MITCHELL stands up.




MITCHELL (CONT'D)
Do you mind if I step outside for a
moment? It's a private call.

The WALKERS nod as MITCHELL moves outside.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary In this scene, two storylines unfold: at the fairground, Sam and Nicole enjoy ice cream while observing a school bus full of children led by the cheerful Dolores Driscoll into an exhibition barn. Simultaneously, at the Bide-A-Wile Motel, lawyer Mitchell Stevens meets with Wendell and Risa Walker to discuss and take notes on the Lambstons' and their neighbors' backgrounds, including the Hamiltons, Prescots, Bilodeaus, Atwaters, and Ottos. Mitchell aims to find suitable parents for his case, while the fairground scene evokes a light and nostalgic atmosphere, contrasting with the serious and investigative tone of the motel scene. The scene concludes with Mitchell stepping outside for a private call.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Setting contrast
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel exposition-heavy

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances exposition with emotional depth, providing crucial information about the characters while also engaging the audience with the setting and interactions.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring the impact of a tragic event on different families in a small town is compelling and sets the stage for potential conflicts and resolutions.

Plot: 8

The plot unfolds smoothly, revealing key details about the characters' backgrounds and motivations while setting up potential conflicts and alliances.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on small-town life and legal proceedings, with authentic character interactions and moral complexities that add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic, adding depth to the narrative and setting up potential character arcs.

Character Changes: 7

The scene sets the stage for potential character growth and transformation, especially for Mitchell Stephens as he navigates the complexities of the case and his own emotions.

Internal Goal: 8

Nicole's internal goal is to find joy and connection in the simple moments of life, despite her distracted state. This reflects her deeper need for emotional fulfillment and a sense of belonging.

External Goal: 9

Sam's external goal is to gather information and build a case for a legal matter, reflecting the immediate challenge of seeking justice and compensation for a tragic event.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there are hints of underlying conflicts and tensions, the scene focuses more on exposition and character development than on overt conflicts.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and moral dilemmas that challenge the characters' beliefs and motivations, creating suspense and intrigue.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for the characters involved, especially for the Walkers who are seeking justice for their son's death.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by providing crucial information about the case and the characters, setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting dynamics between characters and the revelation of hidden truths, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the moral ambiguity of seeking justice through potentially questionable means, challenging the protagonist's beliefs in the pursuit of truth and fairness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, especially through the revelations about the Lambston family and the heartwarming moments at the fairground.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is natural and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships, enhancing the emotional impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mix of emotional depth, moral dilemmas, and interpersonal conflicts, drawing the audience into the characters' lives and struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional resonance, with well-timed revelations and character interactions that drive the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to standard screenplay formatting conventions, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional format for character-driven drama, with clear transitions between locations and well-paced dialogue that advances the plot.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. It is unclear what the characters are trying to achieve or what the conflict is.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural, and the characters lack depth and motivation.
  • The scene is too long and could be trimmed down to make it more concise and impactful.
  • The setting is not well-established and does not contribute to the story.
  • The use of flashbacks is confusing and disrupts the flow of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Revise the scene to give it a clear purpose and direction. What are the characters trying to achieve? What is the conflict?
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable. Give the characters depth and motivation.
  • Trim down the scene to make it more concise and impactful.
  • Establish the setting more clearly and use it to contribute to the story.
  • Consider using flashbacks more sparingly and effectively.



Scene 7 - An Unexpected Encounter: Mitchell and Alison Reunite on an Airplane
EXT. BIDE-A-WILE MOTEL -- DUSK
MITCHELL speaks into his cellular phone.

MITCHELL
Zoe...Zoe, where are you?

CUT TO

INT. AIRPLANE. FIRST CLASS CABIN -- DAY

A newscaster is giving a report on the television screen of
a first class airplane cabin. The image is silent.

This scene takes place two years after the accident.

MITCHELL STEPHENS is playing with his headset, which doesn't
seem to be working. He summons a STEWARDESS over.

MITCHELL
I'm not getting any sound.

The STEWARDESS checks the headset and confirms the problem.

STEWARDESS
I'll find you another pair.

The STEWARDESS leaves.

A young woman seated beside MITCHELL hands him her headset.

ALISON
You can have mine.

MITCHELL takes ALISON'S headset. Their eyes lock for a
moment.

ALISON (CONT'D)
Yes, we do know each other. I'm
Alison Jones.

MITCHELL
Alison Jones.

ALISON




I was a friend of Zoe's. We went to
school together. I used to come to
your house.

MITCHELL
(pretending to
remember)
Yes.

ALISON
Ally. That was my nickname.

MITCHELL
Ally. That's right.

ALISON
How are you?

MITCHELL
I'm just fine, Ally. What about
you?

ALISON
I'm fine. Still working with my
father.

MITCHELL
And what does he do again?

ALISON
He used to work with you. Until you
found out he was having an affair
with your wife.

Pause. MITCHELL finally remembers ALISON JONES.

MITCHELL
Ally Jones.

ALISON
How is Mrs. Stephens?

MITCHELL
We're...not together.

ALISON
I'd heard that. But she's well?

MITCHELL
Yes...fine.

ALISON
And Zoe? How's Zoe?
Pause. The STEWARDESS comes back with a new headset. She
notices the set that ALISON has given him.

STEWARDESS
Oh, you've beaten me to it.

The STEWARDESS hands the headset to ALISON.

STEWARDESS (CONT'D)
Here.

The camera has remained fixed on MITCHELL'S face.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Mitchell Stephens, two years after the accident, is on a first-class airplane cabin struggling to fix his headset. A stewardess tries to assist him, but to no avail. Alison Jones, an old friend of Mitchell's daughter Zoe, offers her headset, and they strike up a conversation. Alison reminds Mitchell of their past and her connection to his family, helping him to eventually remember her. The scene takes place during dusk and is filled with nostalgia and tension as Mitchell grapples with his past. The visual elements include Mitchell trying to fix his headset, the stewardess checking it, and Alison offering hers. The scene ends with the stewardess giving Alison a new headset, and the camera remains focused on Mitchell's face.
Strengths
  • Poignant dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Complex character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Reliance on dialogue for emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth of the characters and sets up a compelling conflict between Mitchell and Alison. The dialogue is engaging and reveals layers of complexity in their relationship.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a chance encounter between Mitchell and Alison on a plane creates a tense and emotional atmosphere. The scene delves into themes of loss, regret, and the passage of time, adding depth to the characters.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around the unexpected reunion between Mitchell and Alison, setting up a conflict rooted in past betrayals and unresolved emotions. The scene moves the story forward by introducing a key relationship dynamic.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of infidelity and its aftermath, exploring the complexities of forgiveness and reconciliation in a nuanced way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and true to life.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Mitchell and Alison are well-developed and their interactions reveal their inner struggles and emotional baggage. Their complex history adds depth to the scene and drives the emotional impact.

Character Changes: 8

Both Mitchell and Alison undergo emotional changes during the scene, as they confront their past and unresolved emotions. The reunion sparks introspection and reflection, leading to character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the awkward and uncomfortable conversation with Alison, who is connected to his past and the infidelity that ended his marriage. This reflects his deeper need for closure, understanding, and possibly forgiveness.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to fix his malfunctioning headset and engage in polite conversation with Alison. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with unexpected connections from his past.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Mitchell and Alison is rooted in past betrayals and unresolved emotions, creating a tense and emotional atmosphere. The scene sets up a compelling conflict that drives the emotional impact of the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the characters navigate past betrayals and hidden truths, creating a sense of uncertainty and conflict.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are emotional and personal, as Mitchell and Alison confront their past betrayals and unresolved emotions. The outcome of their reunion could have significant implications for their future interactions.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a key relationship dynamic between Mitchell and Alison. It sets up a conflict that will likely have repercussions in future scenes, driving the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelations about the characters' pasts and the shifting dynamics between them.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between honesty and deception, as the characters navigate their past connections and the truths that have been hidden. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about trust, loyalty, and forgiveness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, regret, and nostalgia. The interactions between Mitchell and Alison are poignant and reveal the characters' inner turmoil, resonating with the audience.

Dialogue: 10

The dialogue is the highlight of the scene, capturing the tension and emotional complexity between Mitchell and Alison. The exchanges are poignant and reveal the characters' inner turmoil, driving the emotional impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension between the characters, the mystery of their past connections, and the emotional stakes involved in their interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, as well as allowing for moments of reflection and emotional depth.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper spacing, dialogue formatting, and scene descriptions that enhance readability and visual clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue that advance the plot and reveal character dynamics.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. It's unclear what the characters are trying to achieve or what the stakes are.
  • The dialogue is stiff and unnatural, and it doesn't reveal much about the characters or their relationships.
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened to improve its pacing.
  • The scene doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.
Suggestions
  • Revise the scene to give it a clear purpose and direction. What do the characters want to achieve? What are the stakes?
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and revealing. What do the characters' words tell us about who they are and what they're thinking?
  • Shorten the scene to improve its pacing. Cut any unnecessary dialogue or action.
  • Add elements to the scene that advance the plot or develop the characters. For example, you could have the characters make a decision that will have consequences later in the story, or you could reveal new information about their past or motivations.



Scene 8 - The Psychedelic Photograph and the School Bus Stop
EXT. ROADSIDE -- MORNING

WANDA and HARTLEY OTTO are waiting for the school bus with
their adopted son BEAR.

The bus arrives, and the door opens to reveal DOLORES
DRISCOLL, who is driving.

DOLORES
Good morning, Wanda. Hi, Hartley.

WANDA
Hi, Dolores.

DOLORES watches as WANDA and HARTLEY OTTO affectionately say
goodbye to their boy. WANDA gives BEAR a photograph, which
has strong psychedelic influences. BEAR shows it proudly to
DOLORES.

WANDA (CONT'D)
What do you think?

DOLORES
Well, it's certainly what you'd call
interesting.

WANDA
(laughing)
You hate it.

DOLORES
I didn't say that.

WANDA
I could wrap it up. Protect the
other kids.

DOLORES
I'll just strap it on the roof.




WANDA
It's for the school bazaar.

DOLORES
Oh, it's bizarre alright. C'mon
Bear. Let's get you out of here.

WANDA
Away from your crazy Mom.

DOLORES
(voice over)
The Ottos always waited for the bus
with Bear. They were the only
parents who did that, together like
that. I guess they're what you
might call hippies.

MITCHELL
(voice over)
What do you mean by that, Mrs.
Driscoll?

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary Wanda and Hartley Otto, along with their adopted son Bear, wait for the school bus. Wanda gives Bear a psychedelic photograph for the school bazaar, causing bus driver Dolores Driscoll to teasingly comment on its unusual nature. This light-hearted exchange resolves any minor conflict quickly, and the scene ends with Dolores driving off with Bear, as the narrators Mitchell and Dolores share brief remarks on the Ottos' parenting style.
Strengths
  • Natural dialogue
  • Character development
  • Warm tone
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant conflict
  • Limited character change

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets a warm and light-hearted tone while subtly hinting at deeper themes and character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of family dynamics and individuality is well-established through the interactions at the bus stop.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses by introducing the Ottos and their relationship with Dolores, adding layers to the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh character dynamics and conflicts, such as the clash between traditional and unconventional values, and explores themes of acceptance and self-expression in a unique setting.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined through their dialogue and actions, showcasing their personalities and relationships.

Character Changes: 4

There is minimal character change in this scene, as it primarily serves to establish relationships and dynamics.

Internal Goal: 8

Wanda's internal goal in this scene is to feel accepted and understood by Dolores, despite their differing tastes and opinions. This reflects Wanda's desire for validation and connection.

External Goal: 7

Wanda's external goal is to have Bear participate in the school bazaar with the photograph, despite Dolores' disapproval. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with differing perspectives and potential judgment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

There is minimal conflict in this scene, focusing more on relationships and interactions.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle but present, with conflicting values and perspectives creating tension and potential obstacles for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes are low in this scene, focusing more on everyday interactions and relationships.

Story Forward: 6

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key characters and relationships.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reactions and subtle shifts in power dynamics between the characters, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between traditional values represented by Dolores and the unconventional, free-spirited values of the Ottos. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in individuality and self-expression.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of warmth and nostalgia, but the emotional impact is not overly intense.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and reveals insights into the characters' emotions and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, dynamic character interactions, and underlying tension that keeps the audience invested in the characters' relationships and conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth through the characters' interactions and dialogue, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional format for a character-driven, dialogue-heavy scene, effectively establishing relationships and conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene is not very active. The majority of the content takes place in dialogue, and the dialogue doesn't result in any significant change or conflict.
  • The scene does not advance the plot or character development in any meaningful way. It is mostly exposition, and the exposition could be delivered in a more engaging way.
  • The pacing of the scene is slow, and the dialogue is not particularly interesting or engaging.
  • The characters are not particularly well-developed, and their motivations are not clear. The audience does not learn much about them or their relationship to each other.
  • The scene does not have a clear purpose or goal. It is not clear what the writer is trying to achieve with this scene.
Suggestions
  • Add more action to the scene. The characters could be doing something more active, such as preparing for the school bazaar or interacting with other characters.
  • Make the dialogue more interesting and engaging. The characters could be having a more lively conversation, or they could be discussing something more important.
  • Add more conflict to the scene. The characters could be disagreeing about something, or they could be facing some kind of obstacle.
  • Develop the characters more. Give them more depth and motivation. The audience should learn more about their personalities and their relationships to each other.
  • Give the scene a clear purpose or goal. The writer should know what they want to achieve with this scene, and they should make sure that the scene accomplishes that goal.



Scene 9 - A Tense Conversation and Nostalgic Remembrance
INT. DOLORES'S HOUSE -- DAY

DOLORES and MITCHELL are in the modest livingroom of
DOLORES'S house. The conversation continues from the
previous voice over.

In the corner of the room sits ABBOTT, DOLORES'S husband.
ABBOTT has suffered a massive stroke, and seems to be
completely paralyzed. His presence, however, is intense and
powerful.
MITCHELL frequently looks over to ABBOTT during his
conversations with DOLORES. ABBOTT is always watching him
like a hawk, making MITCHELL uneasy.

DOLORES
Dolores. No one calls me 'Mrs.
Driscoll'.

MITCHELL
What do you mean by that, Dolores?

DOLORES
About the Ottos?

MITCHELL
Yes. What do you mean by 'hippies'?




DOLORES
I mean, the way they look. Their
hair and clothing...

MITCHELL
Do they have any reputation for
drugs?

DOLORES
No, nothing like that. The Ottos
are what I'd call model citizens.
They're regular at town meetings.
They give their opinions in a
respectful way. They always help
out at various fund-raising bazaars
in town , though they aren't church
goers.

MITCHELL
And they loved Bear.

DOLORES
Oh yes. Like I said, they always
came out together to see him off to
school. It's like he was their
little treasure. He was such a
beautiful boy. That's a picture of
him on the wall there, behind
Abbott.
MITCHELL turns around to find the picture of BEAR.

It is right behind ABBOTT'S head, so MITCHELL has to divide
his attention between the cute PHOTOGRAPH of BEAR clutching
a prize rabbit at last year's county fair, and ABBOTT'S
glaring eyes.

ANGLE ON

The PHOTOGRAPHS of various children with their pets. Some
have ribbons.

DOLORES (CONT'D)
(voice over)
Those are all from the fair last
year. Abbott and me were judges at
the pet show.

MITCHELL
For rabbits?

DOLORES
(nodding)




Abbott used to breed them 'til he
had the stroke. Bear won first
prize. Just look at the smile on
his face.

DOLORES
He was one of those children that
bring out the best in people. He
would have been a wonderful man.

ANGLE ON

MITCHELL as he stares at the photo of BEAR.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In the modest living room of Dolores's house, Mitchell converses with Dolores about the Ottos, who were friends with her son Bear. Meanwhile, Dolores's husband Abbott, paralyzed after a stroke, watches Mitchell intensely, making him uncomfortable. Dolores shares her positive memories of the Ottos and Bear's victory at the pet show, but Mitchell's assumption of the Ottos' drug reputation contrasts with Dolores's description, creating an unresolved conflict. The scene ends with Mitchell staring at Bear's photograph, feeling torn between his unease and his sympathy for Dolores.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited action
  • Lack of external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys a sense of tension and reflection through the dialogue and character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the judgment of the Ottos and the impact of Bear's presence is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as Mitchell delves into the Ottos' background and the significance of Bear in the community.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its exploration of complex relationships, emotional depth, and the contrast between appearances and reality. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Mitchell, Dolores, and Abbott are well-developed and contribute to the emotional depth of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, there is a deepening of understanding and emotion for Mitchell and Dolores.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand the relationship between the Ottos and Bear, as well as to uncover the emotional depth of Dolores's connection to them. This reflects the protagonist's desire for insight into the complexities of human relationships and the impact of loss.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather information about the Ottos and their reputation in the town. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of investigating a potential connection to the missing Bear.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a subtle conflict in the judgment of the Ottos and the impact of Bear, adding depth to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with ABBOTT's intense presence creating a sense of unease and tension. The mystery surrounding Bear's disappearance adds to the opposition and keeps the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate in this scene, focusing more on emotional depth and character dynamics.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by providing crucial information about the Ottos and setting up further developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the tension between the characters, the contrast between appearances and reality, and the emotional revelations that unfold. The audience is kept guessing about the true nature of the relationships and the impact of Bear's disappearance.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the contrast between appearances and reality, as well as the theme of loss and memory. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the nature of relationships and the impact of tragedy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact of the scene is high, especially with the mention of Bear and the reflection on his character.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the Ottos and Bear, as well as the dynamics between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, interpersonal dynamics, and the mystery surrounding Bear's disappearance. The dialogue and character interactions draw the audience in and create a sense of intrigue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue, character interactions, and scene descriptions. The rhythm of the scene enhances the emotional resonance and builds tension effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The clarity of the formatting enhances the readability of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character interactions, and dialogue. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. It's not clear what Mitchell is trying to achieve by talking to Dolores about the Ottos, and the conversation doesn't seem to lead anywhere in particular.
Suggestions
  • Consider giving the scene a more specific purpose, such as having Mitchell ask Dolores about the Ottos' potential involvement in the bus accident or their knowledge of any drug use among the other families involved.
  • Add more depth to the characters of Dolores and Abbott. Dolores is currently portrayed as a friendly and helpful woman, but she could be given more complexity by exploring her motivations and beliefs. Abbott's presence in the room is mentioned but not explored - he could be used to create a sense of tension or mystery in the scene.



Scene 10 - Billy Ansel's Morning Farewell and Family Dynamics
EXT. SCHOOL BUS -- MORNING

The camera is outside the bus, looking at BEAR as he
finishes waving to his parents.
ANGLE ON

BEAR'S P.O.V. of WANDA and HARTLEY disappearing as the bus
pulls away.

CUT TO

INT. SCHOOL BUS -- MORNING

The camera moves inside the crowded bus, peering at the
childrens' activity as they play with each other in the bus.

ANGLE ON

JESSICA and MASON ANSEL are seated at the back of the bus,
looking out the rear window, waving at someone.

CUT TO

EXT. SCHOOL BUS -- MORNING

JESSICA and MASON are seen waving at...

BILLY ANSEL, driving behind them in his pick up truck. He
waves back at his children.

DOLORES
(voice over)
Billy Ansel started honking at us up
around Upper Hat Creek. He always
started to do that when he caught up
to the bus. He'd wave at his kids,
Jessica and Mason, who always sat at




the back. Normally, he followed us
the whole distance over the ridge
towards the school.

CUT TO

INT. DOLORES'S HOUSE -- DAY

The conversation between MITCHELL and DOLORES continues from
the previous scene.

MITCHELL
So Billy was driving behind the bus
at the time of the accident?

DOLORES nods. Her expression is distant.

DOLORES
Billy loved to see his kids in the
bus. They always sat in the back,
so they could wave to each other.
It comforted him.

MITCHELL
From what?

DOLORES
(confused)
From what?

MITCHELL
Did he have any particular problems
that you knew of? Financial
pressures...run-ins with the law...

DOLORES
No, nothing like that. Billy's
wife, Lydia, died of cancer a few
years ago. He took over raising the
children by himself. It was obvious
how much he missed Lydia.

MITCHELL
You talked about it?

DOLORES
No.
(beat)
I saw it on his face.

Pause. DOLORES stares at MITCHELL.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary The scene opens with Bear saying goodbye to his parents from a school bus, followed by his siblings waving at their father Billy, who is driving behind the bus. Dolores, in a conversation with Mitchell, discloses Billy's routine of following the bus to check on his children. Mitchell inquires about any problems Billy faced, and Dolores responds by sharing his wife's death from cancer and how he has been raising their children alone. The scene takes place in the morning, both inside and outside the school bus, and continues in Dolores's house during the day. The tone is nostalgic and slightly melancholic, with a focus on the Ansel family's interactions and Dolores's recollections. The scene ends with Dolores staring at Mitchell after sharing her observations about Billy's feelings.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Poignant dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Slow pacing

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys a sense of melancholy and nostalgia through the dialogue and interactions between characters, providing depth to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the emotional struggles of a single father dealing with loss adds depth and complexity to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances by revealing more about Billy Ansel's character and his backstory, adding layers to the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the theme of loss and grief, exploring the impact of personal tragedy on family dynamics. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative, creating a compelling portrayal of human emotions.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions are portrayed authentically, especially in the interactions between Mitchell and Dolores as they discuss Billy Ansel.

Character Changes: 7

The scene reveals more about Billy Ansel's character and his emotional journey, showing how he copes with loss and raises his children alone.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand the emotional connection between Billy Ansel and his children. This reflects her deeper need for empathy and insight into the lives of others.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather information about the circumstances leading up to the accident involving the school bus. This reflects her immediate challenge of uncovering the truth and finding closure for the families affected.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict in this scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on the characters' struggles with loss and grief.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle, with the protagonist facing internal conflicts and emotional challenges rather than external obstacles. The audience is left uncertain about the true motivations and feelings of the characters, creating a sense of tension and intrigue.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are emotional and personal, focusing on the characters' internal struggles and relationships rather than external conflicts.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by providing important backstory and character development, deepening the audience's understanding of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the subtle emotional reveals and character dynamics that keep the audience guessing about the true motivations and feelings of the characters. The unexpected depth of the interactions adds layers of complexity to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the theme of loss and grief. Billy Ansel's loss of his wife to cancer and his subsequent struggle to raise his children alone highlights the fragility of life and the impact of loss on a family. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about resilience and the human experience.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, longing, and empathy for the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is poignant and reflective, effectively conveying the emotions and backstory of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth and character-driven storytelling. The audience is drawn into the intimate moments between the characters, creating a sense of empathy and connection with their experiences.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of reflection and dialogue with visual transitions and character interactions. The rhythm of the scene builds tension and emotional depth, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that guide the reader through the visual and emotional elements of the scene. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, transitioning smoothly between different locations and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and emotional depth.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. It seems to be merely a collection of facts and observations about Billy Ansel and his family, but it doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.
  • The dialogue between Mitchell and Dolores is stilted and unnatural. It doesn't sound like a real conversation between two people who know each other well.
  • The pacing of the scene is slow and meandering. There are long stretches of dialogue that don't add anything to the story, and the action is limited to a few brief shots of Billy waving at his children.
  • The scene doesn't provide any new information about the accident or the characters involved. It simply rehashes information that has already been established in previous scenes.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. It simply cuts to a shot of Mitchell staring at a photo of Bear, without providing any context or resolution.
Suggestions
  • Give the scene a clear purpose and direction. What do you want to achieve with this scene? What information do you want to convey? What emotions do you want to evoke?
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable. Listen to how people talk in real life, and try to capture that rhythm and flow in your writing.
  • Tighten the pacing of the scene. Cut out any unnecessary dialogue or action, and focus on the essential moments that will move the story forward.
  • Add new information about the accident or the characters involved. This could be something that Mitchell discovers through his investigation, or something that Dolores reveals about Billy or his family.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending. This could involve a revelation, a decision, or a change in the characters' relationships.



Scene 11 - Morning Disagreements: Childcare Arrangements and Roof Repairs
EXT. BILLY'S PICK-UP -- MORNING

Through the windshield, the camera fixes on BILLY'S face as
he stares at his children.
ANGLE ON

Inside the cab of his pick up, BILLY dials a number on his
cell phone. He continues to wave at his children as he
speaks into the phone.

BILLY
(into the phone)
Hi...Can you talk? I'm on my way to
work...I'm waving at them
now...What's that noise?

CUT TO

EXT. BIDE-A-WILE MOTEL -- MORNING

RISA is on a cordless phone. She has just finished cleaning
a room. WENDELL is hammering in the background.

RISA
Wendell's working on the roof. He
thinks he's fixing a leak. As far
as I'm concerned he's just punching
in a few new holes.

CUT TO

INT. BILLY'S PICK-UP -- MORNING

BILLY smiles as he continues the conversation.

BILLY
Nicole's coming over to look after
the kids tonight. She'll be there
around six.

RISA
Billy, that's too early.

BILLY
She said she's got to be home by
nine.

RISA
Can't you make it later?

BILLY
Look, I'll be waiting in the room.
You get over as soon as you can.
Okay?

RISA
I guess.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Billy, en route to work, greets his children and converses with Risa over the phone about childcare arrangements for their kids. Risa, currently at the Bide-A-Wile Motel, is displeased with the early pickup time set for Nicole's supervision. Wendell's noisy roof repairs in the background are also discussed, adding to the minor conflicts in the scene. The scene concludes with Risa reluctantly accepting the childcare arrangements and Billy continuing his drive to work.
Strengths
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Complex character relationships
Weaknesses
  • Some scenes may feel disconnected or disjointed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up multiple storylines and character dynamics, creating intrigue and emotional depth.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring family relationships and individual struggles is well-executed, providing a strong foundation for future developments.

Plot: 7

The plot introduces various conflicts and tensions, setting the stage for further exploration of the characters' journeys.

Originality: 8

The scene demonstrates a level of originality through its focus on domestic relationships and the subtle conflicts that arise in everyday interactions. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their interactions feel authentic, adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

There are hints of character growth and development, especially in the way they handle their emotions and responsibilities.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to ensure that his children are taken care of while he is at work. This reflects his deeper need for security and stability in his family life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to coordinate childcare arrangements for his children while he is at work. This reflects the immediate challenge of balancing work and family responsibilities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There are underlying tensions and conflicts present in the scene, adding depth to the relationships and storylines.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is moderate, with conflicting viewpoints and subtle tensions between the characters. The audience is left uncertain of how the situation will be resolved, adding depth to the narrative and keeping them engaged.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not overtly high in this scene, the emotional and relational challenges faced by the characters add a sense of importance to their actions and decisions.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key plot points and character dynamics that will likely impact future events.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces conflicting viewpoints and subtle tensions between the characters, leaving the audience unsure of how the situation will be resolved. The uncertainty adds depth to the narrative and keeps the audience engaged.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between Billy and Risa regarding the timing of childcare arrangements. Billy prioritizes convenience and practicality, while Risa values flexibility and consideration for her schedule.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, particularly sadness and concern, as the characters navigate their personal struggles.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is natural and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it focuses on relatable family dynamics and interpersonal conflicts, drawing the audience into the characters' lives and relationships. The dialogue feels natural and authentic, creating a sense of intimacy and connection.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm and flow, allowing the audience to follow the characters' conversations and actions with clarity and focus. The scene builds tension and conflict gradually, leading to a satisfying resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and clear descriptions of character actions and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a focus on character interactions. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the protagonist's goals and conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or goal. It seems to simply exist as a way to establish that Billy is waving at his children and that he is going to work. It doesn't advance the plot or develop any of the characters in any meaningful way.
  • The dialogue is bland and uninteresting. It doesn't reveal anything about the characters or their relationships. It simply consists of Billy and Risa making arrangements for Nicole to babysit the children.
  • The scene is too short. It doesn't give the audience enough time to get to know the characters or to become invested in their story.
  • The scene is visually uninteresting. It takes place entirely inside Billy's pick-up truck and Risa's motel room. There is no action or movement to keep the audience engaged.
Suggestions
  • Add a clear purpose or goal to the scene. What do you want the audience to learn or feel by the end of the scene?
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more interesting and revealing. Give the characters more depth and personality.
  • Expand the scene to give the audience more time to get to know the characters and to become invested in their story.
  • Add some visual interest to the scene. Use different camera angles, lighting, and movement to create a more dynamic and engaging experience for the audience.



Scene 12 - Mitchell's Revelation
EXT. ROAD. -- MORNING

HELICOPTER AERIAL SHOT

The bus and the pick-up are travelling through a beautiful
mountain pass.

CUT TO

INT. AIRPLANE. FIRST CLASS CABIN -- DAY

MITCHELL continues his conversation with ALISON as they eat
dinner.

ALISON
I'm glad to hear that Zoe's okay.

MITCHELL
Are you still in touch?

ALISON
Not really. The last time I saw her
was at that clinic. That was a long
time ago.

MITCHELL
Which one?

ALISON
Which one?

MITCHELL
Which clinic?

ALISON
I don't remember the name. It was
near a beach.

MITCHELL
Sunnyridge. That was a long time
ago.

Beat. ALISON proceeds cautiously.




ALISON
So there were others?

MITCHELL
(as he eats)
Other clinics? Oh sure. Clinics,
half-way houses, treatment centers,
detox units...

ALISON
Then...when did she get better?

MITCHELL
She didn't.

ALISON
But you said...

MITCHELL
That's where I'm going. To see her.

ALISON
She's in trouble?

MITCHELL
Yes.
(beat)
Do you find there's something
strange about this meat?

ALISON stares at her plate. MITCHELL summons the
STEWARDESS.

STEWARDESS
Some more wine?

MITCHELL
I'm afraid this meat is overdone.

STEWARDESS
I'm sorry about that, Mr. Stephens.
Would you like to try the fish?

MITCHELL
What is it?

STEWARDESS
Poached salmon.

MITCHELL considers this. He is polite, but slightly edgy.

MITCHELL
Do you have a cold plate?




STEWARDESS
We do.

MITCHELL
Is there shrimp on it?

STEWARDESS
Yes.

MITCHELL
If you could pick the shrimp off, as
well as anything that touches the
shrimp...

STEWARDESS
(smiling)
I'm not sure if that will leave much
on the plate.

MITCHELL
Well, let's see what we get.

The STEWARDESS leaves with MITCHELL'S food. MITCHELL gets
up.

MITCHELL (CONT'D)
(to ALISON)
If you could excuse me for a moment.

ALISON nods. MITCHELL leaves. ALISON picks at her meat
undecidedly.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Mitchell and Alison share a tense conversation in a first-class cabin of an airplane while eating dinner. Mitchell reveals that he is going to visit his daughter Zoe, who is in a clinic near a beach, creating a somber atmosphere. Alison picks at her meat undecidedly, and Mitchell sends his food back to the stewardess. The scene ends with Mitchell getting up and leaving Alison alone in the cabin.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intriguing dialogue
  • Complex characters
Weaknesses
  • Slightly slow pacing in some parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally charged, with a mix of tension and melancholy that keeps the audience engaged. The dialogue is intriguing and reveals important information about the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring family dynamics, addiction, and secrets is compelling and well-executed in this scene.

Plot: 9

The plot thickens as new information is revealed about the characters' pasts and current struggles. The scene moves the story forward and sets up future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on addiction and recovery, presenting a nuanced portrayal of characters grappling with personal struggles. The authenticity of the dialogue and character interactions adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are complex and multi-dimensional, with layers of emotion and history that drive their actions and dialogue.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional changes and revelations in this scene, deepening their arcs and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to confront the past and address unresolved issues with a former acquaintance. This reflects his need for closure and his desire to help someone in trouble.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate a difficult conversation with Alison while dealing with his own discomfort and unease. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining composure in a tense situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of internal and external conflict in the scene, as the characters grapple with past traumas and uncertain futures.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting emotions and motivations driving the characters' interactions. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of the conversation, adding suspense and drama to the scene.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high for the characters, as they confront past traumas, addiction, and uncertain futures.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing important information about the characters and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelations and emotional shifts in the characters' interactions. The audience is kept on edge by the evolving dynamics and underlying tensions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of addiction, recovery, and personal responsibility. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about redemption and the limits of his ability to help others.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, as the characters' struggles and conflicts are laid bare.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is tense, emotional, and reveals important information about the characters' relationships and pasts.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of its tense atmosphere, sharp dialogue, and emotional depth. The characters' interactions and the unfolding drama keep the audience invested in the outcome of the conversation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense through the characters' dialogue and actions. The rhythm of the conversation enhances the emotional impact of the scene and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene's formatting adheres to industry standards for screenplay format, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and character interactions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for character-driven dialogue sequences, with a clear focus on the protagonist's internal and external goals. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and revealing character dynamics.


Critique
  • The scene doesn't advance the plot or characters in any meaningful way.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural, with characters speaking in a way that real people wouldn't.
  • The setting is not described in enough detail to create a vivid picture in the reader's mind.
  • The pacing of the scene is slow and meandering, with not enough happening to keep the reader engaged.
  • The scene ends abruptly, without any sense of closure or resolution.
Suggestions
  • Add more details to the setting to help create a more vivid picture in the reader's mind.
  • Use more active and dynamic language to make the dialogue more engaging.
  • Break up the long paragraphs of dialogue with more action and description.
  • Add more conflict and tension to the scene to keep the reader engaged.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending that provides a sense of closure or resolution.



Scene 13 - Discussing a Potential Lawsuit: Mitchell Stephens Visits the Otto Residence
INT. AIRPLANE. FIRST CLASS CABIN -- DAY

In the mirror of the tiny washroom of the plane, MITCHELL
washes some water on his face. He stares at his reflection
in the mirror.

CUT TO

EXT. THE OTTOS HOUSE. -- DAY

MITCHELL approaches the house of HARTLEY and WANDA OTTO. He
gets out of his car and knocks on the door.

WANDA OTTO answers. She has been crying. The two stare at
each other.

MITCHELL
Mrs. Otto, my name is Mitchell
Stephens. The Walkers told me you
might be willing to talk to me.




Pause.

MITCHELL (CONT'D)
I'm sorry for coming over
unannounced like this, Mrs. Otto,
but the Walkers said you would
understand. I know it's an awful
time, but it's important that we
talk.

WANDA
Who are you?

MITCHELL
I'm a lawyer.

WANDA
You can't come here.

MITCHELL
Please, let me explain. I'll only
take a moment of your time.
WANDA
No.

MITCHELL
Please.

WANDA pauses, stares at MITCHELL, then lets him in.

CUT TO

INT. THE OTTOS HOUSE. -- DAY

MITCHELL walks into the OTTO residence. It is a large two-
storey space divided into several smaller chambers with
sheets of brightly colored cloth - tie-dyes and Indian
madras - that hang from wires.

On a low brick platform in the centre of the main chamber is
a large wood-burning stove. A few feet from the stove,
sitting on an overstuffed cushion, is HARTLEY OTTO.

HARTLEY is listening to music on his headphones. He is very
stoned. WANDA moves over, and pulls the headphones off her
husband's head.

WANDA
We have a guest. What did you say
your name was?

MITCHELL




Mitchell Stephens.

MITCHELL hands them a card. HARTLEY reads it with
deliberation.

WANDA
The Walkers sent him by.

HARTLEY rises up. He stares at MITCHELL. A tense pause.

HARTLEY
You want a cup of tea or something?

MITCHELL
A cup of tea would be nice.
(beat)
Would it be alright if I sit down
for a few minutes, Mrs. Otto? I
want to talk to you.

WANDA stares at MITCHELL. No response. MITCHELL waits a
beat, then seats himself rather uncomfortably on a large
pillow. He is unsure whether to cross his legs, or fold
them under his chin.

MITCHELL (CONT'D)
The Walkers spoke very highly of
you.

WANDA
You've been retained?

MITCHELL
Yes.

WANDA
Their child died, and they got a
lawyer.

Pause. MITCHELL assesses WANDA'S energy.

MITCHELL
It should be said that my task is to
represent the Walkers only in their
anger. Not their grief.

WANDA
Who did they get for that?

MITCHELL
You are angry, aren't you, Mrs.
Otto? That's why I'm here. To give
your anger a voice. To be your




weapon against whoever caused that
bus to go off the road.

WANDA
Dolores?

MITCHELL
It's my belief that Dolores was
doing exactly what she'd been doing
for years. Besides, the school
board's insurance on Dolores is
minimal. A few million at the very
most. The really deep pockets are
to be found in the town, or in the
company that made the bus.

WANDA
You think someone else caused the
accident?

MITCHELL
Mrs. Otto, there is no such thing
as an accident. The word doesn't
mean anything to me. As far as I'm
concerned, somebody somewhere made a
decision to cut a corner. Some
corrupt agency or corporation
accounted the cost variance between
a ten-cent bolt and a million dollar
out-of-court settlement. They
decided to sacrifice a few lives for
the difference. That's what's done,
Mrs. Otto. I've seen it happen so
many times before.

HARTLEY returns with the tea.

HARTLEY
But Dolores said she saw a dog and
tried to...

MITCHELL
How long has Dolores been driving
that bus, Mr. Otto? How many times
has she steered clear of danger?
What went wrong that morning?

MITCHELL takes the cup of tea.

MITCHELL (CONT'D)
Someone calculated ahead of time
what it would cost to sacrifice
safety. It's the darkest, most
cynical thing to imagine, but it's
absolutely true. And now, it's up
to me to make them build that bus
with an extra bolt, or add an extra
yard of guard rail. It's the only
way we can ensure moral
responsibility in this society. By
what I do.

Pause.

WANDA
So you're just the thing we need.

MITCHELL
Excuse me?

WANDA
Isn't that what you want us to
believe? That we're completely
defenseless? That you know what's
best?

MITCHELL
Listen to me, Mrs Otto. Listen very
carefully. I do know what's best.

As we're sitting here the town or
the school board or the manufacturer
of that bus are lining up a battery
of their own lawyers to negotiate
with people as grief-stricken as
yourselves. And this makes me very,
very mad. It's why I came all the
way up here. If everyone had done
their job with integrity your son
would be alive this morning and
safely in school. I promise you
that I will pursue and reveal who it
was that did not do their job.

MITCHELL
Who is responsible for this tragedy.
Then, in your name and the Walkers'
name and the name of whoever decides
to join us, I shall sue. I shall
sue for negligence until they bleed.

Pause.

WANDA
I want that person to go to jail.
For the rest of his life. I want
him to die there. I don't want his
money.




MITCHELL nods sympathetically.

MITCHELL
It's unlikely that anyone will go to
prison, Mrs. Otto. But he or his
company will pay in other ways. And
we must make them pay. Not for the

money or to compensate you for the
loss of your son. That can't be
done. But to protect other innocent
children. You see, I'm not just
here to speak for your anger, but
for the future as well.
(beat)
What we're talking about is an
ongoing relationship to time.

Pause. HARTLEY looks at MITCHELL'S teacup.

HARTLEY
I didn't ask if you wanted milk.

MITCHELL
No. A little sugar though.

HARTLEY
We've only got honey.

MITCHELL
I'll...take it straight.

MITCHELL maintains his eye contact with WANDA.

WANDA
Are you expensive?

MITCHELL
No.
MITCHELL
If you agree to have me represent
you in this suit, I will require no
payment until after the case is won,
when I will require one third of the
awarded amount. If there is no
award made, then my services will
cost you nothing. It's a standard
agreement.

WANDA
Do you have this agreement with you?




MITCHELL
It's in my car.

MITCHELL gets up.

MITCHELL (CONT'D)
I'll just be a minute. Anyhow, you
should discuss this all without me
before you make any decision.

MITCHELL moves to the door.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Legal","Mystery"]

Summary Mitchell Stephens, a lawyer, visits the Otto residence to discuss a potential lawsuit regarding a bus accident. The Ottos express their anger and desire for justice, and Mitchell promises to pursue the case and reveal the responsible party. The scene takes place in the Ottos' two-storey house and is serious and emotional in tone. Mitchell explains his belief in the role of negligence in the accident, and the Ottos express their desire for justice. The scene ends with Mitchell's promise to pursue the case.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Compelling conflict
Weaknesses
  • Some pacing issues in the dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, emotionally charged, and sets up a compelling narrative direction.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of seeking justice for a tragic accident and exploring the complexities of grief and anger is well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as the attorney meets with the grieving parents and discusses legal action, setting up a key conflict.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the legal drama genre by focusing on the moral and ethical implications of seeking justice in the aftermath of a tragic accident. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations driving their actions.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional shifts as they confront their grief and anger, setting up potential arcs for development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to give a voice to the anger and grief of the grieving family, to seek justice and moral responsibility for the tragic accident that took their son's life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to convince the grieving family to let him represent them in a lawsuit against those responsible for the accident.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the attorney's determination to seek justice and the parents' grief and anger creates a tense atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the grieving family resisting the protagonist's attempts to represent them, creating conflict and tension that drives the scene forward.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters grapple with seeking justice for a tragic accident, impacting their lives deeply.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing key conflicts and motivations for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics between the characters, the unexpected emotional revelations, and the moral ambiguity of seeking justice.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between seeking justice and moral responsibility in the face of tragedy, and the personal desire for vengeance and closure.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly in exploring themes of loss and justice.

Dialogue: 10

The dialogue is intense, emotional, and drives the scene forward, revealing the characters' inner turmoil and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict between the characters, the moral and ethical dilemmas presented, and the high stakes of seeking justice for a tragic accident.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension through dialogue and character interactions, allowing for moments of reflection and emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dramatic confrontation, with clear character motivations and escalating tension leading to a resolution.


Critique
  • The scene starts off well, with Mitchell arriving at the Otto residence and being let in by Wanda. The conversation between them is well-written and believable, and it effectively sets up the conflict of the scene: Mitchell wants to represent the Ottos in a lawsuit against the town or the school board, but Wanda is hesitant to trust him.
  • However, the scene starts to lose its focus when Mitchell begins to give a long speech about how he knows what's best for the Ottos and how he's going to sue for negligence until the defendants bleed. This speech is too long and didactic, and it takes away from the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Additionally, the scene suffers from a lack of clear stakes. It's not clear what Mitchell is offering the Ottos, or what they stand to gain by hiring him. This makes it difficult for the audience to understand why the Ottos should care about what Mitchell has to say.
  • Finally, the scene ends abruptly with Mitchell leaving. This leaves the audience feeling unsatisfied and wondering what happens next.
  • Overall, this scene has a lot of potential, but it needs to be revised to make it more focused, clear, and engaging.
Suggestions
  • Shorten Mitchell's speech about how he knows what's best for the Ottos. Focus on the emotional impact of the scene and on building tension between Mitchell and Wanda.
  • Make it clear what Mitchell is offering the Ottos, and what they stand to gain by hiring him. This will help the audience understand why the Ottos should care about what Mitchell has to say.
  • Don't end the scene abruptly. Give the audience a sense of closure by showing what happens after Mitchell leaves.
  • Consider adding more visual elements to the scene. This will help make the scene more engaging and memorable.



Scene 14 - Mitchell's Anguish over Zoe's Addiction
EXT. THE OTTOS HOUSE. -- DAY

MITCHELL leaves the house and moves to his car. He gets
inside and closes the door.

Once inside, MITCHELL opens his briefcase and takes out an
agreement for the OTTOS. Something inside the briefcase
catches his attention.

ANGLE ON

A photograph of ZOE.

MITCHELL stares at this photograph.

MITCHELL
(voice over)
I've done everything the loving
father of a drug addict is supposed
to do...

CUT TO

INT. AIRPLANE. FIRST CLASS CABIN -- EVENING

MITCHELL and ALISON have finished dinner. MITCHELL is
drinking a triple scotch.

MITCHELL
(continuing from
voice over)
...I've sent her to the best
hospitals, she's seen all the best
doctors. It doesn't matter. Two
weeks later she's on the street.
New York, Vancouver, Pittsburgh,
Toronto, L.A. The next time I hear
from her, it's a phone call scamming
for money. Money for school, or
money for a new kind of therapist,




or money for a plane ticket home.
'Oh Daddy, just let me come
home...Please, Daddy, I have to see
you...' But she never comes home.
I'm always at the airport, but she's
never there. Ten years of this, ten
years of these lies, of imagining
what happens if I don't send the
money, of kicking down doors and
dragging her out of rat-infested
apartments, of explaining why that
couldn't be my daughter in a porn
flick someone saw...well, enough
rage and helplessness, and your love
turns to something else.

ALISON
(soft)
What...does it turn to?

MITCHELL
It turns to steaming piss.

Pause. ALISON is shocked by MITCHELL'S intensity. He
collects himself.

MITCHELL (CONT'D)
I'm...so sorry.

ALISON
That's okay.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Mitchell leaves home and has a tense conversation with Alison about his feelings towards his daughter Zoe's drug addiction. He expresses his anger and frustration, and Alison listens with empathy. The scene takes place outside the Ottos' house in the daytime and then on an airplane in the evening. It ends with Mitchell apologizing to Alison for his outburst.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Raw dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited external action
  • Heavy reliance on internal monologue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth and complexity of the father-daughter relationship, drawing the audience in with its intense and reflective tone.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a father grappling with his daughter's addiction and the toll it has taken on him is compelling and relatable, adding depth to the character dynamics.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the father's internal monologue and reflections on his daughter's struggles, providing insight into his emotional state and past experiences.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on addiction and family dynamics, with authentic dialogue and emotional depth that sets it apart from cliched portrayals of similar themes.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, especially the father who is portrayed with depth and vulnerability, allowing the audience to empathize with his internal struggles.

Character Changes: 8

The father undergoes a significant emotional transformation as he confronts his feelings of rage, helplessness, and love towards his daughter, leading to a deeper understanding of his own emotions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with his feelings of anger, helplessness, and betrayal towards his daughter. It reflects his deeper need for closure, understanding, and emotional release.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to confront his daughter's addiction and the impact it has had on their relationship. It reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a loved one's destructive behavior.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The internal conflict within the father as he grapples with his daughter's addiction and his own feelings of helplessness and anger adds depth to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing internal and external challenges that test his beliefs, values, and relationships.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident in the father's desperate attempts to help his daughter overcome her addiction and the emotional toll it has taken on their relationship, highlighting the importance of their bond.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene primarily focuses on character development and emotional depth, it provides insight into the father's motivations and struggles, moving the narrative forward in terms of his internal journey.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in its emotional twists and revelations, keeping the audience on edge and uncertain about the outcome of the protagonist's internal and external conflicts.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between unconditional love and tough love. The protagonist grapples with the idea of enabling his daughter versus cutting her off to protect himself.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, eliciting feelings of sadness, empathy, and reflection on the complexities of familial relationships.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is poignant and raw, capturing the emotional turmoil of the father as he reflects on his daughter's addiction and the impact it has had on their relationship.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, relatable themes, and compelling character dynamics that draw the audience into the protagonist's struggle.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional impact, with a balance of introspective moments and intense dialogue that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue that enhance the storytelling.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively conveys the protagonist's emotional journey and inner conflict, following a coherent narrative arc that builds tension and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene begins with Mitchell staring at a photograph of his daughter, Zoe, and reflecting on his past attempts to help her with her drug addiction. This is a powerful and emotional moment, but it is quickly undercut by the abrupt transition to a conversation between Mitchell and Alison on an airplane.
  • The dialogue in this scene is stilted and unnatural. Mitchell's long, rambling speech about his daughter's addiction is full of clichés and platitudes. Alison's responses are equally wooden and unconvincing.
  • The scene lacks focus and direction. It is unclear what Mitchell and Alison are trying to accomplish by talking about Zoe's addiction. The scene simply rambles on without any clear purpose or resolution.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. Mitchell suddenly cuts off Alison and leaves the airplane. This leaves the reader feeling confused and dissatisfied.
Suggestions
  • Consider rewriting the scene to focus on a single, specific moment or event. This will give the scene more focus and direction.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and believable. Avoid using clichés and platitudes, and instead focus on creating dialogue that reveals the characters' true feelings and motivations.
  • Add more conflict to the scene. This could be done by having Mitchell and Alison disagree about something, or by having them face some kind of obstacle or challenge.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending. This could be done by having Mitchell and Alison come to some kind of resolution, or by having them take some kind of action that moves the story forward.



Scene 15 - Billy's Playful Afternoon and Intimate Evening
EXT. BILLY'S HOUSE. -- LATE DAY

BILLY is chasing his kids around the yard of their house.
NICOLE appears, and watching BILLY play with JESSICA and
MASON. BILLY notices her, and runs up breathlessly,

BILLY
Hi, Nicole.

NICOLE
Hi, Mr. Ansel. Hi, Jessica,
Mason...

BILLY
They just finished supper.

NICOLE
(to the kids)
Was it good?




The children shake their heads. NICOLE and BILLY laugh.

BILLY
I'll be back around nine.

NICOLE
Okay.

CUT TO

INT. GAS STATION -- DUSK

BILLY is playing his electric guitar in the same garage that
MITCHELL walked into at the beginning of the film.

This is the gas station/repair shop/car wash that BILLY
runs.

BILLY checks his watch, and takes his guitar off. He leaves
the garage.

CUT TO

EXT. BIDE-A-WILE MOTEL -- DUSK

BILLY is walking along a path behind the hotel, making sure
that he is not seen. He sneaks into Room 11.

CUT TO

INT. BIDE-A-WILE MOTEL -- EVENING

BILLY is sitting in a chair in Room 11, smoking a cigarette.
The room is dark. After a while, RISA enters through the
door and slips inside.

RISA
Have you been waiting long?

BILLY
A while.

RISA
Billy, do you have to smoke?
Wendell can smell if someone's been
smoking.

BILLY gets up to put out his cigarette in the toilet. He
notices some work tools in the washroom.

BILLY
What's all this?

RISA




Wendell put some fresh enamel on
that break in the tub.

BILLY
Does this mean I can't take a
shower?
RISA
No. It should be dry by now.

BILLY nods. He turns around, looks at RISA, and begins to
unbutton her shirt. RISA stops him, smiles, and kisses
BILLY. After a moment, she pulls away, unbuckles her belt,
and slips off her jeans. She moves to the bed.

BILLY
What time's he coming home?

RISA
When the game's over, I guess.

BILLY moves to the radio and turns it on, tuning into a
hockey game. RISA laughs. He lowers the volume. RISA
takes off her shirt, and moves behind BILLY, kissing his
neck. BILLY closes his eyes.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Billy spends a joyful afternoon playing with his kids in the yard, followed by a brief conversation with their babysitter, Nicole. Later, he sneaks into a motel room to meet Risa, where they share an intimate moment while listening to a hockey game on the radio. The scene transitions from the playful atmosphere of Billy's house to the cozy intimacy of the motel room, with no major conflicts but a subtle tension regarding Wendell's potential suspicion.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Forbidden romance
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Potential cliches
  • Lack of external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth and tension between the characters, drawing the audience into their forbidden romance. The intimate moments and subtle interactions create a sense of intrigue and anticipation.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a clandestine affair between Billy and Risa adds depth to the storyline, revealing hidden desires and vulnerabilities that drive their actions. The scene effectively explores the complexities of their relationship and the risks they are willing to take.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as the forbidden romance between Billy and Risa unfolds, adding layers of complexity to the characters' motivations and relationships. The scene sets the stage for future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar theme of infidelity but adds complexity by exploring the internal conflict of the protagonist and the tension of secrecy. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and nuanced.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Billy and Risa are well-developed and nuanced, with their emotions and desires driving the scene forward. Their chemistry and interactions reveal the depth of their relationship and the challenges they face.

Character Changes: 7

Both Billy and Risa undergo emotional changes as they navigate their forbidden romance, revealing hidden desires and vulnerabilities. The scene sets the stage for further character development and exploration.

Internal Goal: 8

Billy's internal goal in this scene is to escape from his responsibilities and enjoy a moment of intimacy with Risa. This reflects his desire for freedom and connection.

External Goal: 7

Billy's external goal is to have a secret rendezvous with Risa without getting caught by Wendell. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in maintaining his affair.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene introduces internal and external conflicts as Billy and Risa navigate their forbidden romance. The tension between their desires and the risks they face creates a sense of anticipation and emotional depth.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the threat of Wendell discovering the affair adding a layer of suspense and conflict.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Billy and Risa as they risk their reputations and relationships for their forbidden romance. The consequences of their actions add tension and complexity to the scene, raising the emotional stakes for the characters.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the forbidden romance between Billy and Risa, setting the stage for future conflicts and developments. The emotional depth and tension between the characters drive the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it keeps the audience guessing about whether Billy will be caught by Wendell or if the affair will be discovered.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Billy's desire for freedom and his guilt over betraying his family. This challenges his values and beliefs about loyalty and honesty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, drawing them into the intimate and vulnerable moments between Billy and Risa. The emotional depth and tension between the characters create a sense of empathy and connection.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between Billy and Risa is intimate and revealing, capturing the emotional tension and vulnerability of their relationship. The subtle exchanges and unspoken words add depth to their interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates tension and intrigue through the characters' interactions and the unfolding of the secret rendezvous.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, building tension and suspense as the characters navigate their secret rendezvous.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for its genre, allowing for smooth transitions between locations and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction. It's not clear what the characters are trying to achieve or what the stakes are.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a way that people don't typically talk in real life.
  • The scene is too focused on exposition. The characters spend most of their time talking about things that happened in the past or that will happen in the future.
  • The scene is too long. It could be significantly shortened without losing any important information.
  • The scene is not visually interesting. There is not much action or movement, and the setting is not particularly distinctive.
Suggestions
  • Give the scene a clear purpose or direction. What do the characters want to achieve? What are the stakes? Once you know the purpose of the scene, you can write the dialogue and action to support it.
  • Make the dialogue more natural. Listen to the way people talk in real life and try to capture that in your writing.
  • Cut down on the exposition. Only include information that is absolutely necessary to the plot or character development.
  • Shorten the scene. It should be as short as possible without losing any important information.
  • Add some visual interest to the scene. Include more action or movement, and make the setting more distinctive.



Scene 16 - A Cozy Evening with Browning's 'The Pied Piper of Hamelin'
INT. BILLY'S HOUSE. -- EVENING

JESSICA and MASON, BILLY'S children, are being read to sleep
by NICOLE. She reads from Robert Browning's THE PIED PIPER
OF HAMELIN.

NICOLE
The Pied Piper of Hamelin.
By famous Hanover city;
The river Weser, deep and wide,
Washes its wall on the southern
side;
A pleasanter spot you never spied;
But, when begins my ditty...

MASON
What's a ditty again?

NICOLE
It's like a song.

MASON
Oh.

NICOLE
When begins my ditty,
Almost five hundred years ago,
To see the townsfolk suffer so
From vermin, was a pity...

MASON
What's vermin again?

NICOLE
Rats!
They fought the dogs and killed the
cats,
And bit the babies in the cradles,
And ate the cheeses out of vats.
And licked the soup from the cook's
own ladles,
Split open the kegs of salted
sprats,
Made nests inside men's Sunday hats,
And even spoiled the women's chats,
By drowning their speaking
With shrieking and squeaking
In fifty different sharps and
flats...

MASON
Nicole?

NICOLE
Yes.

MASON
Can I sit beside you on the bus
tomorrow?

NICOLE
Don't you usually like to sit at the
back? To wave at your Dad?

MASON
I want to sit beside you tomorrow.

NICOLE
Okay.

NICOLE covers JESSICA, and gets up to leave.

MASON
Nicole?

NICOLE
What, Mason?

MASON




Did the Pied Piper take the children
away because he was mad that the
town didn't pay him?

NICOLE
That's right.

MASON
Well, if he knew magic - if he could
get the kids into the mountain - why
couldn't he use his pipe to make the
people pay him for getting rid of
the rats?

NICOLE
Because...he wanted to them to be
punished.

MASON
The people in the town?

NICOLE
Yes.

MASON
So he was mean?

NICOLE
No. Not mean. Just...very angry.

MASON
Oh.

NICOLE
Should I keep reading?

MASON
Okay.

NICOLE smiles at MASON. JESSICA is already asleep.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary In the warm and cozy setting of Billy's house, Nicole reads Robert Browning's 'The Pied Piper of Hamelin' to Jessica and Mason. As Nicole reads, Mason's curiosity is piqued, and he asks questions about the story, particularly about the Pied Piper's motives. Nicole explains the Pied Piper's anger towards the townsfolk, and Mason, satisfied with the answer, asks Nicole if he can sit beside her on the bus the next day. Nicole agrees, and the scene ends with her continuing to read the story to Jessica and Mason.
Strengths
  • Emotional resonance
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Exploration of themes
Weaknesses
  • Lack of high-stakes conflict
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively captures a heartfelt and reflective moment, delving into themes of family dynamics and childhood innocence. The dialogue between Nicole and Mason adds depth and complexity to the interaction, making it emotionally resonant.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using a bedtime story to explore deeper themes of punishment, anger, and consequences is innovative and adds depth to the scene. The interaction between Nicole and Mason provides a thought-provoking exploration of human emotions.

Plot: 7

While the plot of the scene is simple, focusing on a bedtime story being read to children, it effectively sets the stage for deeper exploration of themes and character dynamics. The scene moves the story forward by establishing relationships and emotional connections.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on a classic story, exploring themes of punishment and forgiveness in a new light. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Nicole, Jessica, and Mason are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic and emotionally resonant. Nicole's nurturing nature and Mason's curiosity add depth to the scene, making the characters engaging and relatable.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not a significant character change in the scene, the interaction between Nicole and Mason deepens their relationship and understanding of each other. It sets the stage for potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to connect with the children and provide comfort and security through storytelling. This reflects her desire to nurture and protect them.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to read the children a bedtime story and put them to sleep. This reflects the immediate circumstance of the evening routine.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

While there is a subtle conflict in the scene regarding the themes of punishment and consequences, it is not the central focus. The conflict adds tension and emotional depth to the interaction between Nicole and Mason.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle, with the philosophical conflict between punishment and forgiveness providing a small obstacle for the protagonist to navigate. The audience is left questioning the protagonist's beliefs and values.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on emotional and thematic exploration rather than high-stakes conflict or action. The emphasis is on character development and relationship building.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by establishing relationships and emotional connections between characters. It sets the stage for deeper exploration of themes and character dynamics in future scenes, making it an important narrative building block.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected philosophical discussions and the nuanced characterization of the protagonist. The audience is kept engaged by the unique perspectives presented.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the idea of punishment versus forgiveness. The protagonist explains the Pied Piper's actions as a form of punishment, which challenges traditional ideas of justice and morality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact due to its tender and reflective nature, exploring themes of family, innocence, and human emotions. The interaction between Nicole and the children evokes a sense of nostalgia and warmth.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is poignant and thought-provoking, especially in the conversation between Nicole and Mason about the Pied Piper story. It adds layers to the characters and themes, making the scene emotionally impactful.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth and genuine interactions between the characters. The audience is drawn into the intimate family setting and the philosophical discussions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing moments of reflection and emotional connection between the characters. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the scene's emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a bedtime story scene, with a clear beginning, middle, and end. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the emotional impact of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene is missing a clear conflict or dramatic tension. The characters are engaged in a mundane activity (reading a bedtime story) and there is no sense of urgency or stakes.
  • The dialogue is natural and age-appropriate for the characters, but it lacks subtext or deeper meaning.
  • The scene does not advance the plot or character development in any significant way. It feels like a filler scene that could be cut without losing anything important from the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a conflict or problem to the scene, such as Mason having a nightmare or Nicole being worried about something.
  • Explore the characters' emotions and motivations more deeply. What is Nicole thinking and feeling as she reads the story? What is Mason's hidden reason for wanting to sit beside her on the bus?
  • Think about how the scene can contribute to the overall story arc. What does it reveal about the characters or their relationships? How does it set up future events?



Scene 17 - Night at the Bide-A-Wile Motel: Reflections on Love and Motherhood
INT. BIDE-A-WILE MOTEL -- EVENING

Room 11 at the Bide-A-Wile. RISA is naked, sitting cross-
legged on the bed. BILLY has just gotten into the shower.
RISA stares at BILLY through the semi-transparent curtain.

RISA stands up and walks to the window. She looks across
the parking lot.

ANGLE ON




RISA'S P.O.V. of the rain-glistened concrete.

CUT TO

INT. BILLY'S HOUSE. -- NIGHT

NICOLE is in BILLY'S bedroom. She has some womens' clothing
laid out on the bed, and is staring at the selection of
blouses and summer dresses. The camera slowly glides to a
picture that BILLY has beside his bed.

ANGLE ON

The photograph. It shows BILLY and his deceased wife,
LYDIA.

Back to NICOLE, selecting various items of LYDIA'S clothing,
and placing them over her body, seeing how she looks in the
mirror.

CUT TO

EXT. BIDE-A-WILE MOTEL -- DAY

RISA'S DAYDREAM. A montage of various events, watched from
the window in Room 11. RISA is seen talking to BILLY on her
cordless phone (Scene 34), as well as going through various
activities. Finally, RISA is seen putting her son, SEAN,
into the schoolbus. As the bus pulls away, RISA waves
goodbye. RISA turns around and walks to the camera. She
stops in front of the lens and stares into it, her
expression calm and serene.

CUT TO
INT. BIDE-A-WILE MOTEL -- EVENING

Present time. Night. RISA is sitting on the bed, naked,
her legs crossed. She looks to the side, lost in thought.

BILLY is behind her, putting on his clothes.

BILLY
What are you thinking?

RISA
Tomorrow I'm going to put Sean on
the bus. He won't want to go. He
never does. He'll cry and want to
hold on to me.

BILLY
That's because he misses you.




RISA
Yes.

BILLY
It's natural.

RISA
Your kids never cry.

BILLY
Well, maybe that's because they know
I'm going to follow them. Behind
the bus.

RISA
They can look forward to that.

BILLY
Sure.

RISA
Just like we look forward to this.

BILLY looks at RISA and smiles at her with affection. He
moves to the door.
RISA (CONT'D)
You're leaving.

BILLY
I better get back.

RISA nods.

RISA
Good night, Billy.

BILLY
Good night.

BILLY leaves. RISA, still naked, moves to the washroom.
She stares into the tub, noticing that the white enamel that
WENDELL has applied has been washed away from BILLY'S
shower.

RISA picks up a tube of the enamel, and begins to re-apply
it.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In this calm and introspective scene, Risa, staying at the Bide-A-Wile Motel with Billy, finds herself watching him in the shower while lost in a daydream about her life with Sean. As they discuss their children's struggles with attachment and independence, Risa contemplates her son's emotional reliance on her and Billy's children's familiarity with his presence. The scene concludes with Billy's departure and Risa focusing on a mundane task, all the while reflecting on her life and her relationship with Billy.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intimate character interactions
  • Melancholic atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Low external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth and complexity of the characters, creating a poignant and memorable moment.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the emotional dynamics between Risa and Billy in a rainy motel setting is well-executed and engaging.

Plot: 7

While the plot progression is subtle, the focus on the emotional relationship between Risa and Billy adds depth to the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on grief, loss, and human connection. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and realism to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Risa and Billy are well-developed characters with depth and emotional complexity, making their interactions compelling and authentic.

Character Changes: 7

Both Risa and Billy experience emotional growth and vulnerability in the scene, deepening their connection and revealing new layers of their characters.

Internal Goal: 8

RISA's internal goal is to come to terms with her emotions surrounding her son and her relationship with BILLY. She is grappling with feelings of guilt, longing, and acceptance.

External Goal: 7

RISA's external goal is to maintain a facade of normalcy and composure in front of BILLY, despite her inner turmoil.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict in the scene is internal, focusing on the emotional struggles and longing of the characters rather than external conflicts.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle but present, adding layers of complexity to the characters' interactions and motivations.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes in the scene are emotional and personal, focusing on the characters' internal struggles and desires.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene does not significantly advance the main plot, it adds depth and emotional resonance to the characters' arcs.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in its emotional twists and turns, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journeys.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of acceptance and moving forward in the face of loss. RISA is struggling with her past and her present, while BILLY represents a sense of understanding and support.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, drawing them into the intimate and poignant moments between Risa and Billy.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between Risa and Billy is intimate and heartfelt, effectively conveying their emotions and relationship dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, subtle character dynamics, and poignant storytelling. The audience is drawn into the intimate moments and complex emotions of the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene enhances its emotional impact, allowing moments of reflection and tension to unfold organically.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the visual and emotional elements of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure follows a non-linear narrative, weaving together past and present moments to create a layered and emotionally resonant story.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction. It's not evident what the characters are trying to achieve or what the conflict is.
  • The dialogue is awkward and unnatural, and the characters' motivations are unclear.
  • The scene does not advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened to make it more concise and impactful.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual interest and description to create a stronger sense of place and atmosphere.
Suggestions
  • Revise the scene to give it a clear purpose or direction. Consider what the characters are trying to achieve or what the conflict is.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable. Make sure the characters' motivations are clear.
  • Cut any unnecessary dialogue or actions to make the scene more concise and impactful.
  • Add more visual interest and description to create a stronger sense of place and atmosphere.
  • Consider adding some action or movement to the scene to make it more dynamic.



Scene 18 - Nicole's Tribute to Mrs. Ansel
INT. BILLY'S HOUSE. -- EVENING

NICOLE shows BILLY the clothes she has chosen. BILLY stares
at the selection.




NICOLE
Are you sure?

BILLY
Yeah.

NICOLE
It just seems...kind of weird.

BILLY
Why?

NICOLE
I don't know.

BILLY
Nicole, I'm just going to pack all
this stuff and give it to the church
for charity. Don't feel bad.
Unless you feel strange about
wearing it.

NICOLE
No. I mean, I remember Mrs. Ansel
wearing some of this stuff, but...I
don't feel funny about that. I
really liked her.

BILLY
And she really liked you. She
would've given you all this if she'd
outgrown it, or...

BILLY trails off, suddenly consumed with sadness.

NICOLE
What do you mean 'outgrown it'?

BILLY
I'm not sure.

NICOLE
Oh.
(beat)
Right.

NICOLE turns to leave, taking the clothes with her.

NICOLE (CONT'D)
Goodnight, Mr. Ansel.

BILLY
Goodnight, Nicole.




NICOLE leaves the house and walks towards the car where her
father is waiting.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary Nicole brings clothes from Mrs. Ansel's belongings, intending to wear them, which leads to a bittersweet conversation with Billy about memories and loss. Billy plans to donate the clothes to charity, and Nicole expresses her fondness for Mrs. Ansel. The scene ends with Nicole leaving the house, heading towards her father's car, while Billy remains sad, unable to fully express his feelings about his late wife.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Poignant dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a sense of melancholy and nostalgia through the interaction between Billy and Nicole, touching on themes of loss and memory. The dialogue is emotionally resonant and adds depth to the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring the emotional weight of clothing that belonged to a deceased loved one is poignant and relatable. It adds depth to the characters and enhances the theme of loss and memory.

Plot: 7

While the scene doesn't significantly advance the plot in terms of action, it deepens the emotional connection between the characters and adds layers to their relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of grief and loss through the lens of charity and community support. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene delves into the emotional depth of Billy and Nicole, revealing their vulnerabilities and shared sense of loss. Their interactions feel authentic and add complexity to their characters.

Character Changes: 7

While there isn't a significant change in the characters' external circumstances, the scene deepens the emotional complexity of Billy and Nicole, revealing new layers of their personalities and vulnerabilities.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the loss of Mrs. Ansel and the sentimental value of the clothes she left behind. This reflects Billy's deeper need for closure and emotional processing of grief.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to donate the clothes to charity and help others in need. This reflects the immediate circumstances of cleaning out Mrs. Ansel's belongings and giving back to the community.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The scene is more focused on emotional exploration and character development than on external conflict. The conflict is internal, revolving around the characters' feelings of loss and nostalgia.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle, with internal conflicts and unspoken tensions driving the character interactions. The audience is left uncertain about the true motivations and emotions of the characters.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are more emotional and personal, revolving around the characters' feelings of loss and nostalgia. While the stakes are high on an emotional level, there isn't a sense of immediate danger or conflict.

Story Forward: 5

The scene doesn't move the plot forward in terms of action, but it deepens the emotional connection between the characters and adds depth to their relationships. It enriches the overall narrative by exploring themes of loss and memory.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the underlying tension and unspoken emotions between the characters. The audience is left wondering about the true motivations and feelings of the protagonist.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the idea of letting go of material possessions and memories associated with them. This challenges Billy's beliefs about the value of sentimental items and the importance of charity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, nostalgia, and empathy in the audience. The poignant dialogue and character interactions resonate on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is poignant and emotionally resonant, effectively conveying the characters' feelings of sadness and nostalgia. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the emotional impact.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters and the subtle tension between them. The audience is drawn into the unspoken emotions and conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing moments of reflection and emotional processing to unfold naturally. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting that enhances readability.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear character interactions and emotional beats.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear goal or purpose. It's not clear what Nicole and Billy are trying to accomplish by discussing the clothes.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. It doesn't sound like the way people actually talk.
  • The scene doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.
  • The scene is too short and doesn't give the audience enough time to connect with the characters or the situation.
  • The scene ends abruptly, leaving the audience with more questions than answers.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the scene with a clear goal or purpose in mind.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Expand the scene to give the audience more time to connect with the characters and the situation.
  • Add more conflict or tension to the scene.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying conclusion.



Scene 19 - Intimate Secrets in the Barn
INT. SAM'S CAR. -- DUSK
NICOLE gets into the car beside her father.

SAM
What took so long?

NICOLE
Nothing.

SAM stares at the bundle of clothes on NICOLE's lap.

SAM
What's that?

NICOLE
Mrs. Ansel's clothing.

SAM
Does it fit?

NICOLE nods, staring ahead, as SAM starts the car and drives
away.

CUT TO

EXT. BURNELL HOME -- NIGHT

SAM drives up the driveway to the Burnell home. He opens
the door, and takes a blanket from the back. NICOLE gets
out as well. The two walk towards the barn.

NICOLE
(voice over)
Once more he stept into the street,
And to his lips again
Laid his long pipe of smooth
straight cane;
And ere he blew three notes
such sweet soft notes as yet
musician's cunning
Never gave the enraptured air -
There was a rustling, seemed like a
bustling
Of merry crowds justling at pitching
and hustling,
Small feet were pattering, wooden
shoes clattering,
Little hands clapping and little
tongues chattering,
And, like fowls in a farm-yard when
the barley is scattering,
Out came the children running.
All the little boys and girls,
With rosy cheeks and flaxen curls,
And sparkling eyes and teeth like
pearls.
Tripping and skipping, ran merrily
after
The wonderful music with shouting
and laughter...

Inside the barn, SAM and NICOLE are engaged in a sexual
embrace. The camera glides past them as NICOLE's voice
continues to read from the poem.




NICOLE (CONT'D)
(voice over)
When, lo, as they reached the
mountain-side,
A wondrous portal opened wide,
As if a cavern was suddenly
hollowed;
And the Piper advanced and the
children followed,
And when all were in to the very
last,
The door in the mountain-side shut
fast...


CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary NICOLE and SAM arrive at the Burnell barn in the car, where they become physically intimate. The scene is filled with tension, and NICOLE avoids conversation with one-word answers. The setting is dimly lit, and the scene concludes with NICOLE reading a poem aloud as the camera glides past them.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intimate moments
  • Literary integration
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited character development for secondary characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys a sense of longing and emotional complexity through the use of poetry and intimate moments between the characters. The blending of literary elements with personal interactions adds depth and richness to the storytelling.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of intertwining a poem with a sexual encounter is innovative and adds layers of meaning to the scene. The use of literature to enhance the emotional depth of the characters is well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the emotional connection between the characters and the revelation of their inner thoughts and desires. The scene sets up further exploration of their relationships and personal struggles.

Originality: 9

The level of originality in this scene is high due to the fresh approach to taboo subjects and the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue. The scene presents a unique situation that challenges traditional family dynamics and societal norms.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are portrayed with depth and vulnerability, allowing the audience to connect with their emotions and inner conflicts. Their interactions reveal layers of complexity and longing.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience emotional growth and vulnerability in the scene, as they reveal their inner thoughts and desires. The intimacy of their interactions leads to a deeper understanding of their complexities.

Internal Goal: 8

Nicole's internal goal in this scene is to maintain her composure and hide her true feelings from her father, Sam. This reflects her deeper need for acceptance and approval from him, as well as her fear of being judged or rejected.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to help her father with Mrs. Ansel's clothing and then engage in a sexual encounter with him. This reflects the immediate circumstances of their relationship and the challenges they face in maintaining secrecy and intimacy.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters grapple with their emotions and desires. The tension arises from their longing and vulnerability, rather than external obstacles.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs and values. The audience is left uncertain of the outcome, adding to the tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are primarily emotional, as the characters navigate their desires and vulnerabilities. The intimacy of their interactions heightens the emotional stakes, but there are no immediate external threats or conflicts.

Story Forward: 6

The scene deepens the emotional connection between the characters and sets the stage for further exploration of their relationships and personal struggles. It moves the story forward by revealing their inner thoughts and desires.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it presents taboo subjects and unexpected character actions, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between societal norms and personal desires. This challenges Nicole's beliefs about family, love, and morality, as she navigates her complex relationship with her father.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, as the characters' vulnerability and longing are palpable. The intimate moments and reflective dialogue heighten the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intimate and reflective, capturing the emotional nuances of the characters' interactions. The use of the poem as a backdrop adds a lyrical quality to the conversation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a mix of tension, intimacy, and mystery, drawing the audience into the characters' complex relationships and hidden desires.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by smoothly transitioning between physical actions and emotional reflections, creating a sense of tension and intimacy. The rhythm of the scene enhances the mood and theme.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions. The visual elements are well integrated with the dialogue and action.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene transitions and a balance between dialogue and action. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene is unclear about what is happening. It is unclear why Nicole has clothes from Mrs. Ansel and why they are going to the barn.
  • The dialogue is minimal and does not provide much insight into the characters or the situation.
  • The scene ends abruptly without any resolution or sense of closure.
Suggestions
  • Clarify why Nicole has clothes from Mrs. Ansel and why they are going to the barn.
  • Add more dialogue to flesh out the characters and the situation.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending.



Scene 20 - Berries on the Bus: A Morning with Dolores
INT. BUS -- DAY

CLOSE-UP of NICOLE in the bus as it makes it's way to
school. She seems to be listening to her own voice as it
reads from the poem.

NICOLE
(voice over)
Did I say, all? No! One was lame,
And could not dance the whole of
the way;
And in after years, if you would
blame
His sadness, he was used to say,-
'It's dull in the town since my




playmates left!
I can't forget that I'm bereft
Of all the pleasant sights they see,
Which the Piper also promised me.
For me led us, he said, to a joyous
land,
Joining the town and just at hand,
Where waters gushed and fruit-trees
grew,
And flowers put forth a fairer hue,
And everything was strange and
new...

On this last line, NICOLE's lips begin to move, as she
repeats the line out loud to herself.

NICOLE (CONT'D)
Everything was strange and new.

CUT TO

EXT. ROAD. -- MORNING

A HELICOPTER shot of the schoolbus making its way through
the winter terrain. DOLORES' voice is heard over this
sweeping panoramic shot.

DOLORES
(voice over)
By the time I reached the bottom of
Bartlett Hill Road, I had half my
load, over twenty kids, aboard.

CUT TO

EXT. WINTER ROAD -- MORNING

The bus comes to a stop where a couple of children in bright
snow suits are waiting by the side of the road. DOLORES
opens the door and the kids climb in.

OMITTED
DOLORES
(voice over)
They had walked to their places on
the main road from the smaller lanes

DOLORES
and private roadways that run off
it. Bright little clusters of three
and four children - like berries
waiting to be plucked.




CUT TO

INT. DOLORES'S HOUSE -- DAY

DOLORES is continuing her conversation with MITCHELL.

DOLORES
(smiling to herself)
That's the way I thought of them
sometimes.

MITCHELL
Berries.

DOLORES
Yes. Like I was putting them into
my big basket. Clearing the
hillside of its children.

Pause. MITCHELL stares at DOLORES, disturbed by this image.
DOLORES looks back at him.

DOLORES (CONT'D)
Abbott and I used to do a lot of
that in the spring.

MITCHELL
Berry-picking.

DOLORES
Yes. The old-fashioned way.

MITCHELL
And what's that?
DOLORES
With our hands.

MITCHELL nods, stealing a glance ABBOTT, who stares at him
intensely.

CUT TO

EXT. BIDE-A-WILE MOTEL -- MORNING

The bus pulls up across the road from the Bide-A-Wile Motel.
DOLORES watches as RISA walks her little boy, SEAN, across
the road to the bus.

DOLORES
(voice over)
Anyhow, my next stop was across from
the Bide-A-Wile, which is owned and
operated by Risa and Wendell Walker.




Risa walked her little boy, Sean,
across the road, which was
customary. Sean had some kind of
learning disability.

DOLORES
He was behind all the other kids his
age in school and was too fragile
and nervous to play sports.

CUT TO

INT. DOLORES'S HOUSE -- DAY

DOLORES continues to talk to MITCHELL, who takes notes.

DOLORES
(smiling)
A strange little fellow, but you
couldn't help liking him. He was
close to ten but seemed more like a
frightened five or six.

MITCHELL
Were his parents...attentive to him?
DOLORES
What do you mean?

MITCHELL
You mentioned that he had a learning
disability.

DOLORES
That's right.

MITCHELL
Did his parents attend to that?

DOLORES
What do you mean?

MITCHELL
Did they give him special care?

DOLORES
The Walkers loved Sean. He was
their only child...the object of all
their attention. I mean, Wendell's
a withdrawn sort of man. That's his
nature. But Risa, she's still got
dreams.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In this nostalgic and introspective scene, Dolores, a bus driver, picks up children along her route, comparing them to berries being plucked. She reflects on her interactions with Sean, a student with a learning disability, and his attentive parents, Risa and Wendell Walker. The scene takes place on a bus traveling to school, at Dolores's house, and at the Bide-A-Wile Motel in the morning. Key pieces of dialogue include Dolores's description of the children as berries and her account of Sean's learning disability. The scene ends with Dolores contemplating her experiences with Sean and his parents, hinting at a potential tension between her role as a bus driver and the well-being of the children.
Strengths
  • Rich character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Intriguing use of poetry
Weaknesses
  • Lack of overt conflict
  • Some dialogue may be overly expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively sets a mysterious and introspective tone, introduces compelling characters, and hints at underlying conflicts, making it engaging and thought-provoking.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using poetry to convey emotions and themes adds depth to the scene, while the exploration of family relationships and individual struggles enhances the overall narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot unfolds gradually, revealing layers of complexity and hinting at potential conflicts and resolutions, keeping the audience intrigued and invested in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as the metaphor of berry-picking, the portrayal of childhood innocence, and the exploration of adult responsibilities. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, each with their own unique traits and motivations, adding depth and authenticity to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes in their interactions and revelations, hinting at potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Nicole's internal goal in this scene is to find comfort and familiarity in the poem she is reading, reflecting her desire for connection and understanding in a changing world.

External Goal: 7

Dolores' external goal is to complete her bus route and ensure the safety and well-being of the children she transports, reflecting her responsibility and care for the community.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there are hints of underlying conflicts and tensions, the scene focuses more on character dynamics and introspection rather than overt conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is subtle but present, with hints of conflict and tension in the character interactions and dialogue.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not explicitly high in this scene, the emotional and relational dynamics suggest potential high stakes in future developments.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key characters, establishing relationships, and hinting at future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in its character interactions and revelations, keeping the audience intrigued about the relationships and conflicts.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of childhood innocence and adult responsibility. It challenges Dolores' beliefs about her role in the lives of the children she transports and the impact of her actions on their futures.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from sadness and longing to affection and introspection, resonating with the audience on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is natural and reflective of the characters' personalities, providing insight into their relationships and inner thoughts.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging due to its emotional depth, character dynamics, and thematic complexity, drawing the audience into the world of the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, allowing for moments of reflection and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions, effectively advancing the narrative and developing the themes.


Critique
  • The scene is quite well-written and engaging, providing a good balance between character development and plot progression. The use of voiceover narration from Nicole adds a personal and emotional layer to the scene, as she reflects on the poem 'The Pied Piper of Hamelin' and its significance to the events unfolding.
  • However, there are a few areas where the scene could be further improved:
  • The opening description of Nicole listening to her own voice reading the poem could be more concise and visually engaging. Consider using stronger verbs and more active language to create a more dynamic and immersive experience for the reader.
  • The dialogue between Dolores and Mitchell could be expanded to provide more depth and nuance to their characters. Consider adding more subtext and layers to their conversation, exploring their motivations and perspectives more fully.
  • The transition from the bus to the helicopter shot of the school bus could be smoother. The current cut feels abrupt and disorienting.
  • The use of ellipses (...) in Dolores's dialogue could be reduced to create a more natural and fluid flow of conversation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief description of the poem's imagery or themes to provide context and set the tone of Nicole's voiceover.
  • Expand on Dolores's thoughts and feelings about the children on the bus, perhaps through internal dialogue or a brief flashback.
  • Add a moment of reflection or introspection for Mitchell as he listens to Dolores, showing his emotional response to her words.
  • Consider incorporating some visual details of the helicopter shot, such as the sweeping landscape or the movement of the bus, to enhance the transition.
  • Replace the ellipses with pauses or hesitations in Dolores's speech to create a more natural and realistic cadence.



Scene 21 - Sean's Farewell and a Mother's Reflection
EXT. BIDE-A-WILE MOTEL -- MORNING

DOLORES opens the door for SEAN. RISA is wearing a down
parka over her nightgown and bathrobe and is wearing
slippers.

RISA
Morning, Dolores.

DOLORES
Hi, Risa. Aren't your feet
freezing?

RISA looks down at her slippers.
RISA
I guess they are.

SEAN gets to the landing of the bus, then turns around and
looks at his mother. He extends his hands like a baby
wanting to be hugged.

SEAN
I want to stay with you.

Pause. RISA stares at her son with great intensity and
feeling.

RISA
Go on now, Sean. Go on.

SEAN turns away and looks into the bus full of children.

NICOLE
C'mon, Sean. Sit next to me.

MASON is sitting beside NICOLE. NICOLE whispers something
to him, and he makes his way for SEAN.

MASON goes to the back of the bus and sits beside his
sister, JESSICA. SEAN moves tentatively towards NICOLE.

ANGLE ON

Back on DOLORES and RISA.

DOLORES
Is he okay?

RISA
I don't know.

DOLORES




Temperature?

RISA
No. He's not sick or anything.
It's just one of those mornings, I
guess.
CUT TO

INT. DOLORES'S HOUSE -- DAY

DOLORES continues her conversation with MITCHELL STEPHENS.

DOLORES
But I never had 'those mornings'
myself. Not so long as I had the
schoolbus to drive. Not so long as
I had my kids.

DOLORES is lost in this memory, realizing she will never
drive the children again. A tear runs down her cheek.

ABBOTT, sensing his wife's mood, activates his electric
wheelchair and maneuvers himself towards DOLORES.

MITCHELL watches as DOLORES grasps ABBOTT'S hand.

CUT TO

INT. SCHOOL BUS -- MORNING

NICOLE is seated in the bus next to SEAN. She is staring at
the large speedometer on the front panel.

ANGLE ON

The speedometer reads 51 miles an hour.

CUT TO

EXT. SCHOOL BUS -- MORNING

JESSICA and MASON, BILLY'S children, wave at their father
from the back of the bus.

CUT TO

EXT. BILLY'S PICK-UP -- MORNING

BILLY waving back at his children. His expression suddenly
changes as he sees...

CUT TO
EXT. ROAD. -- MORNING

From BILLY'S point of view, the schoolbus smashes through
the guardrail and the snowbank. It plummets down the
embankment to the frozen-over pond.

Still upright, the bus slides across the ice to the far
side. The ice lets go and the rear half of the yellow bus
is swallowed at once by the freezing water. The sound of
the ice breaking is terrifying.

DOLORES
(voice over)
It emerged from the blowing snow on
the right side of the road. It
might have been a dog or a small
deer or maybe even a lost child. It
might have been an optical illusion
or a mirage. Whatever it was, for
the rest of my life I will remember
that red-brown blur...

An eerie silence as the camera stares at the scene of the
accident.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Dolores bids farewell to Sean, who is leaving with his mother Risa on a bus. Sean hesitates to go, but Risa insists. The scene is filled with nostalgia and sadness as Dolores reflects on her past as a school bus driver, a job that provided her with a sense of purpose and belonging. The main conflict lies in Sean's desire to stay with his mother and Risa's insistence that he goes. The scene ends with a flashback to the school bus accident, adding to the emotional weight of the moment.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Complex characters
  • Reflective tone
Weaknesses
  • Pacing could be slow for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys a sense of melancholy and introspection, drawing the audience into the characters' emotional struggles and past traumas. The tension and mystery surrounding the bus accident add depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the aftermath of a tragic bus accident and its impact on the characters is compelling and well-executed. The scene delves into themes of loss, regret, and the passage of time with nuance and depth.

Plot: 8

The plot unfolds with a sense of impending tragedy and mystery, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates. The revelation of past events and the emotional turmoil of the present add layers to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of loss and acceptance, with unique character dynamics and a dramatic twist that adds authenticity to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and complex, each grappling with their own inner demons and past traumas. The interactions between the characters reveal deep emotional connections and conflicts, adding depth to the story.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo emotional transformations and confront their past traumas, leading to personal growth and self-reflection. The scene explores the complexities of human emotions and the impact of past events on the characters' present lives.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the loss of her role as a school bus driver and the children she used to drive. This reflects her deeper need for purpose and connection.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to navigate the interactions with her family and community members, showcasing her relationships and responsibilities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene is driven by internal conflicts and emotional turmoil, rather than external action. The characters' struggles with loss, regret, and past traumas create a sense of tension and unease, keeping the audience engaged.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing internal and external challenges that drive the conflict and propel the story forward.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the scene are emotional and psychological, as the characters grapple with loss, regret, and past traumas. The outcome of their internal conflicts and emotional struggles will have a profound impact on their lives and relationships.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides important insights into the characters' past traumas and emotional struggles, moving the story forward by deepening the narrative and setting up future conflicts. The revelation of key information adds depth to the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events with the school bus accident, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the theme of loss and acceptance. The protagonist is grappling with the idea of moving on from her past role and finding a new purpose.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, drawing them into the characters' struggles and inner turmoil. The sense of loss, regret, and longing is palpable, creating a haunting and poignant atmosphere.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and inner struggles, adding depth to their interactions. The conversations are poignant and reflective, enhancing the overall tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, character dynamics, and the suspenseful build-up towards the dramatic climax.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment that propels the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a brief exchange between Dolores and Risa, but it quickly shifts to focus on Sean's reluctance to go to school. This sudden shift in focus makes the scene feel disjointed.
  • The dialogue between Dolores and Risa is a bit stiff and formal, and it doesn't feel like a natural conversation between two friends.
  • The scene doesn't really advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way. It feels like a filler scene that could be cut without losing anything important.
  • The scene is too short and doesn't give the audience enough time to connect with the characters or the situation.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a more engaging hook that will grab the audience's attention.
  • Make the dialogue between Dolores and Risa more natural and conversational.
  • Add more details to the setting and the characters to help the audience connect with them.
  • Give the scene a clearer purpose by tying it more closely to the main plot or character development.
  • Consider expanding the scene to give the audience more time to connect with the characters and the situation.



Scene 22 - A Summer Cottage Medical Scare and a Young Doctor's Confidence
INT. SUMMER COTTAGE -- MORNING

The camera is high above the bed, looking down on a sleeping
family.

This is the same image as from the beginning of the film.

A FATHER, a MOTHER, and a THREE YEAR OLD GIRL, naked in bed.

MITCHELL
(voice over)
Every time I get on one of these
flights to rescue Zoe, I remember
the summer we almost lost her. She
was three years old. It happened in
the morning, at this cottage we used
to rent. We were all sleeping
together in bed. It was a wonderful
time in our lives. We still thought
we had a future together, the three
of us. Did you ever visit the
cottage?

CUT TO
INT. AIRPLANE. FIRST CLASS CABIN -- NIGHT




MITCHELL is telling the story to ALISON.

ALISON
I...don't think so.

MITCHELL
I woke to the sound of Zoe's
breathing. It was laboured. I
looked over and noticed she was
sweating and all swollen. I grabbed
her, rushed to the kitchen, and
splashed water on her face.

ALISON
What happened?

MITCHELL
I didn't know. I was in a panic. I
guessed she'd been bitten by an
insect, but there was no doctor.
The nearest hospital was forty miles
away, and Zoe was continuing to
swell. Klara took her in her arms
and tried to breast-feed her, while
I dialed the hospital. I finally
got a doctor on the line. He
sounded young, but cool. He was
confident, but there was a
nervousness. He have been an
intern. This was the first time he
ever had to deal with anything like
this. He wanted to seem like he
knew what he was doing, but he was
just as scared as I was.

ALISON stares at MITCHELL, taken by his need to chronicle
and detail this irrelevant stranger.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Mitchell shares a nostalgic yet panicked story with Alison, recounting a medical emergency with Zoe when she was three, at a summer cottage. Klara tried to breastfeed while Mitchell called the hospital, speaking to a young doctor who, despite his nervousness, attempted to confidently assist Mitchell, who was in a panic. The scene ends with Alison staring at Mitchell, taken aback by his detailed story of a seemingly irrelevant stranger.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Revealing backstory
Weaknesses
  • Limited interaction with other characters
  • Lack of visual elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally charged and provides crucial backstory for Mitchell's character, adding depth and complexity to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of revisiting a traumatic event from the past to understand the present actions and emotions of a character is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the revelation of Mitchell's past trauma and sets the stage for his current mission to help his daughter, Zoe.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to the theme of family trauma by focusing on a specific moment of crisis and its aftermath, with authentic dialogue and emotional resonance.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene focuses heavily on Mitchell's character development, showcasing his vulnerability, determination, and love for his daughter.

Character Changes: 8

Mitchell undergoes a significant emotional journey in the scene, reflecting on past trauma and revealing his deep love and determination for his daughter.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to recount a traumatic event from the past and reflect on the impact it had on his family. This reflects his deeper need for closure, his fear of losing loved ones, and his desire to protect his daughter.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to narrate the story of his daughter's near-death experience to Alison. This reflects the immediate challenge of conveying a personal and emotional memory to someone else.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is internal, as Mitchell grapples with the memories of the past and his current mission to help his daughter.

Opposition: 6

The opposition rating is moderate, as the protagonist faces internal and external challenges in recounting a traumatic event while trying to maintain composure and control.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as Mitchell reflects on the near loss of his daughter and prepares to embark on a mission to help her.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides important backstory and character development for Mitchell, setting the stage for his current mission to help his daughter.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a moment of crisis and uncertainty, keeping the audience on edge about the outcome of the story.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the juxtaposition of vulnerability and strength, as the protagonist recalls a moment of fear and uncertainty while trying to appear composed and in control to Alison. This challenges his beliefs about masculinity, parenthood, and emotional expression.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through Mitchell's recounting of the near loss of his daughter, creating a sense of empathy and connection with the character.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is introspective and emotional, revealing the inner thoughts and struggles of Mitchell as he recounts the traumatic event from his past.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it draws the audience into the protagonist's emotional journey, creating suspense and empathy through the retelling of a dramatic event.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing introspective moments with suspenseful storytelling, creating a dynamic rhythm that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure follows a non-linear narrative style, transitioning between past and present seamlessly to convey the protagonist's memories and emotions effectively.


Critique
  • The scene is very long and lacks focus. It jumps around between different events and characters, making it difficult to follow.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a way that no real person would.
  • The pacing is very slow. The scene drags on and on without any real sense of urgency or progress.
  • The scene is melodramatic and overwrought. The characters' emotions are exaggerated and unrealistic.
  • The scene is too on-the-nose. The characters state their emotions and motivations explicitly, leaving nothing to the imagination.
Suggestions
  • Cut down on the length of the scene. Focus on a single event or character, and develop that in more depth.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Speed up the pacing. Add some suspense or conflict to the scene to keep the reader engaged.
  • Tone down the melodrama and overwrought emotions. Let the characters' actions and dialogue speak for themselves.
  • Use more subtlety and implication. Allow the reader to infer the characters' emotions and motivations from their actions and dialogue.



Scene 23 - Emergency at the Summer Cottage: A Father's Determination
INT. SUMMER COTTAGE -- MORNING

FATHER (YOUNG MITCHELL) is on the phone. The camera is
behind his head.

In front of him, MOTHER (KLARA) is breast-feeding the THREE
YEAR OLD GIRL (ZOE).

MITCHELL
(voice over)
He surmised that there was a nest of
baby black widow spiders in the
mattress. He told me they had to be
babies, or else with Zoe's body




weight she'd be dead. He told me I
had to rush her to the hospital. He
was alone. There was no ambulance
available. 'Now you listen', he
said, 'There's a good chance you can
get her to me before her throat
closes, but the important thing is
to keep her calm.' He asked if
there was one of us she was more
relaxed with than the other. I
said, 'Yes, with me.'

CUT TO

INT. AIRPLANE. FIRST CLASS CABIN -- NIGHT

MITCHELL continues telling the story to ALISON.

MITCHELL
Which was true enough, especially at
that moment. Klara was wild-eyed
with fear, and her fear was
contagious. I was a better actor
than she was, that's all. Zoe loved
us equally then. Just like she
hates us both equally now.
(beat)
The doctor told me that I should
hold her in my lap, and let Klara
drive to the hospital. He asked me
to bring a small, sharp knife. It
had to be clean. There was no time
to sterilize properly. He explained
how to perform an emergency
tracheotomy. How to cut into my
daughter's throat and windpipe
without causing her to bleed to
death. He told me there'd be a lot
of blood. I said I didn't think I
could do it. 'If her throat closes
up and stops her breathing, you'll
have to, Mr. Stephens. You'll have
a minute and a half, two minutes
maybe, and she'll probably be
unconscious when you do it. But if
you can keep her calm and relaxed,
if you don't let her little heart
beat too fast and spread the poison
around, then you might just make it
over here first. You get going
now', and he hung up.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense and emotional morning scene at a summer cottage, Father (Young Mitchell) receives a phone call informing him that his daughter Zoe may have been bitten by baby black widow spiders, requiring an emergency tracheotomy. While Mother (Klara) breastfeeds Zoe with a wild-eyed stare of fear, Father gathers his courage and begins the procedure. The scene then cuts to a first-class cabin on an airplane at night, where Father (now Mitchell) begins to recount the story to Alison.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Compelling concept
Weaknesses
  • Potential for melodrama
  • Heavy reliance on suspense

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is gripping and emotionally charged, with a high level of tension and suspense that keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a father facing a life-or-death situation with his daughter is compelling and adds depth to the character of Mitchell.

Plot: 9

The plot is driven by the imminent danger faced by the young girl, creating a sense of urgency and raising the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique and harrowing situation that tests the protagonist's moral boundaries and parental instincts. The dialogue and actions feel authentic and emotionally resonant, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Mitchell, are well-developed and their emotions are portrayed effectively, adding layers to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Mitchell undergoes a significant emotional journey in this scene, from panic and fear to determination and resolve.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to keep his daughter calm and safe in a life-threatening situation. This reflects his deeper need to protect his child and his fear of losing her.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to rush his daughter to the hospital and perform an emergency tracheotomy to save her life. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a medical emergency and the lack of available resources.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, as Mitchell is faced with a life-threatening situation and must make a difficult decision.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a life-threatening situation and a moral dilemma that challenges his beliefs and values. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high in this scene, as a young girl's life hangs in the balance and a father must make a life-or-death decision.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing more about Mitchell's character and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events and the moral dilemma faced by the protagonist. The audience is unsure of how the situation will be resolved.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's moral dilemma of having to potentially harm his daughter to save her life. It challenges his beliefs about the value of life and the sacrifices a parent is willing to make.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly fear and empathy for the characters involved.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is intense and realistic, reflecting the characters' emotions and the gravity of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional conflict, and the protagonist's desperate struggle to save his daughter's life. The tension and urgency keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear transitions between locations and a coherent progression of events. It effectively builds tension and emotional impact.


Critique
  • The scene feels out of place and disjointed from the rest of the script. It doesn't seem to contribute to the overall plot or character development.
  • The dialogue is overly technical and medical, which can be difficult for readers to follow and may slow down the pacing of the scene.
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and doesn't provide any new insights into the characters or their relationships.
  • The use of the flashback is not effective and could be more smoothly integrated into the narrative.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying, leaving the reader with little sense of resolution or closure.
Suggestions
  • Consider removing or reworking the scene to make it more relevant to the plot and character development.
  • Simplify the medical dialogue and make it more accessible to readers.
  • Add more emotional depth to the scene by exploring the characters' reactions and motivations.
  • Integrate the flashback more smoothly into the narrative by using transitions or establishing a clear connection between the past and present.
  • Revise the ending of the scene to provide a stronger sense of resolution or closure.



Scene 24 - Tragic Accident and Tense Conversations
INT. CAR -- MORNING

A little girl staring innocently into the lens as a male
voice sings a lullaby to her.

It is now recognized as MITCHELL'S voice, singing to his
daughter as she is driven to the hospital.

MITCHELL
(voice over)
It was an unforgettable drive. I
was divided into two people. One
part of me was Daddy, singing a
lullaby to his little girl.

MITCHELL
The other part was a surgeon, ready
to cut into her throat. I waited
for the second that Zoe's breath
stopped to make that incision.

CUT TO

INT. AIRPLANE. FIRST CLASS CABIN -- NIGHT

ALISON stares at MITCHELL as he finishes his story.
ALISON
What happened?

MITCHELL
Nothing. We made it to the
hospital. I didn't have to go as
far as I was prepared to. But I was
prepared to go all the way.

CUT TO

EXT. ACCIDENT SITE -- DAY

An open sky. BILLY ANSEL'S face appears in the frame,
looking down at the camera.

ANGLE ON

The camera is staring down at BILLY as he identifies the
bodies of his two children.

The camera is at a great height.

As BILLY walks away, the camera floats down, slowly moving
on his face.

CUT TO




EXT. WOODS -- DAY

BILLY's P.O.V. of his wife, LYDIA, tugging a sled through
the snow. JESSICA and MASON are on either side of her.

The three figures are seen from behind, trudging their way
through the winter landscape.

This image has a ghostly quality to it. It is filmed in
slow motion.

Suddenly, a snowball enters the frame and hits LYDIA on the
back of the head. She turns around, laughing into the
camera.

CUT TO
INT. BIDE-A-WILE MOTEL -- EVENING

EXTREME-CLOSE-UP

BILLY in his chair in Room 11 of the Bide-A-Wile. He is
alone, smoking a cigarette. A slight faraway smile on his
lips.

After a moment, the door opens. It is RISA.

They stare at each other. Silence.

RISA
I knew you'd be here.

RISA sits on the bed. Pause.

RISA (CONT'D)
Are you going to the funeral?

Pause.

BILLY
I stopped by the station a while
ago. I stared at the bus. I could
almost hear the kids inside. There
was a lawyer there. He told me he'd
gotten you signed up. Is that true?

RISA
Something made this happen, Billy.
Mr. Stephens is going to find out
what it was.

BILLY




What are you talking about? It was
an accident.

RISA
Mr. Stephens says that someone
didn't put a right bolt in the
bus...

BILLY
Risa, I serviced that bus. At the
garage. There's nothing wrong with
it.

RISA
...or that the guardrail wasn't
strong enough.

BILLY
You believe that?

RISA
I have to.

BILLY
Why?

RISA
Because I have to.

BILLY
Well I don't.

BILLY gets up to leave.

RISA
Is it true that you gave Nicole one
of Lydia's dresses? That she was
wearing it when the bus crashed?

BILLY
Yes.

RISA
Why did you do that, Billy?

BILLY
You think that caused the accident,
Risa? That it brought bad luck?
Christ, it sounds to me you're
looking for a witch doctor, not a
lawyer. Or maybe they're the same
thing.

RISA is crying. BILLY opens the door.
BILLY (CONT'D)
You know what I'm going to miss?
More than making love? It's the
nights you couldn't get away from
Wendell. It's the nights I'd sit in
that chair for an hour. Smoking
cigarettes and remembering my life
before...

BILLY stares at RISA painfully, then leaves.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Mitchell recounts performing surgery on his daughter to Alison, while Billy identifies his children's bodies and has a heated discussion with Risa about the accident's cause. The scene takes place in various settings, and the main conflict lies between Billy and Risa, who disagree about someone's responsibility for the accident. The tone is somber and emotional, with significant dialogue and visual elements highlighting the characters' grief and tension.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • Intriguing mystery elements
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly melodramatic at times

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally charged, with strong character dynamics and a compelling exploration of themes such as grief and responsibility.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of uncovering the truth behind the bus accident and the characters' conflicting perspectives on the events add depth and intrigue to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging, with multiple layers of conflict and tension driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on themes of loss, guilt, and grief, with authentic character interactions and emotional depth. The dialogue feels real and raw, adding to the authenticity of the characters' actions and emotions.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotional arcs are compelling, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters experience emotional shifts and revelations, adding complexity to their arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with his guilt and grief over the accident that took the lives of his children. He struggles with feelings of responsibility and the need for closure.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the legal and emotional aftermath of the accident, including interactions with his wife, lawyer, and the investigation into the cause of the crash.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, adding tension and drama to the narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs and emotions driving the characters' interactions. The audience is left unsure of how the conflicts will be resolved, adding to the tension and drama.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters grapple with loss, guilt, and the search for truth in the aftermath of a tragic accident.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key information, deepening character relationships, and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions and revelations. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the conflicts will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's belief in the accident being just that, an accident, versus the lawyer's suggestion of foul play or negligence. This challenges the protagonist's sense of control and understanding of the situation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly through the characters' grief, guilt, and search for answers.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the inner turmoil of the characters, driving the emotional intensity of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, raw dialogue, and complex character relationships. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and conflicts, wanting to know more about their past and future.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing the audience to connect with the characters' struggles and conflicts. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, effectively conveying the emotional depth and complexity of the characters' relationships and conflicts.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively conveys the emotional depth and complexity of the characters' relationships and conflicts. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene is well written and engaging.
  • The dialogue is natural and flows well.
  • The characters are well-developed and believable.
  • The scene is well-paced and builds to a powerful climax.
  • The ending of the scene is both satisfying and thought-provoking.
Suggestions
  • Add more details to the setting to make it more vivid and believable.
  • Give Billy a more specific reason for being at the accident site.
  • Develop Risa's character more and give her a stronger voice.
  • Tighten up the dialogue and make it more concise.
  • Consider adding a twist to the ending of the scene to make it more surprising.



Scene 25 - Tense Encounter at the Gas Station
EXT. GAS STATION -- NIGHT

MITCHELL is videotaping the bus with a portable camcorder.

The bus is badly damaged, though essentially intact. Most
of the windows in the rear have gone. There is a ghostly
quality to this image, as though the video light is
searching through the remains of an ancient shipwreck.

MITCHELL turns off the camcorder and stands in the silent
night, absorbing the disturbing energy of the bus. He hears
a truck approaching the garage from the distance. It's
BILLY ANSEL. MITCHELL retreats to his parked car as BILLY
stops his truck in front of the bus and steps out of the
truck.

BILLY leaves his headlights on, and they cast dark shadows
over the inside passenger seats. BILLY stares at the bus a
long time. MITCHELL approaches him.

MITCHELL
I'm here about your children, Mr.
Ansel.

BILLY takes a moment, then turns around to face MITCHELL.
The two men stare at each other.

MITCHELL (CONT'D)
My name is...

BILLY
Mister, I don't want to know your
name.

MITCHELL
I understand.

BILLY
No you don't.




MITCHELL
I can help you.

BILLY
Not unless you can raise the dead.

MITCHELL hands BILLY a card.

MITCHELL
Here. You may change your mind.

BILLY looks at the card.

BILLY
Mr. Mitchell Stephens, Esquire,
would you be likely to sue me if I
was to beat you right now? Beat you
so bad that you pissed blood and
couldn't walk for a month. Because
that's what I'm about to do.

MITCHELL
No, Mr. Ansel. I wouldn't sue you.

BILLY
Leave us alone, Stephens. Leave the
people of this town alone. You
can't help.

MITCHELL
You can help each other. Several
people have agreed to let me
represent them in a negligence suit.
Your case as an individual will be
stronger if I'm allowed to represent
you together as a group.

BILLY
Case?

MITCHELL
The Walkers have agreed. The Ottos.
Nicole Burnell's parents. It's
important to initiate proceedings
right away. Things get covered up.
People lie. That's why we have to
begin our investigation quickly.
Before the evidence disappears.
That's why I'm out here tonight.

BILLY
I know Risa and Wendell Walker.
They wouldn't hire a goddamned
lawyer. And the Ottos wouldn't deal




with you. We're not country
bumpkins you can put a big city
hustle on. You're trying to use us.

MITCHELL
You're angry, Mr. Ansel. You owe it
to yourself to feel that way. All
I'm saying is let me direct your
rage.

BILLY stares at MITCHELL with a cold intensity. The cell
phone in MITCHELL'S car begins to ring.

MITCHELL (CONT'D)
That's my daughter. Or it may be
the police to tell me that they've
found her dead. She's a drug
addict.

BILLY
Why are you telling me this?

MITCHELL
I'm telling you this because...
we've all lost our children, Mr.
Ansel.

MITCHELL
They're dead to us. They kill each
other in the streets. They wander
comatose in shopping malls. They're
paralyzed in front of televisions.
Something terrible has happened
that's taken our children away.
It's too late. They're gone.
The phone continues to ring, as BILLY stares at MITCHELL.

MITCHELL turns to look at the ringing phone.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Legal"]

Summary Mitchell Stephens, a lawyer, encounters Billy Ansel, the father of the children involved in a bus accident, at a gas station. Mitchell offers his legal services, but Billy refuses and threatens him. Mitchell then reveals his personal struggles with his drug-addict daughter. The scene is tense and emotional, and ends with Mitchell turning to look at his ringing phone. The main conflict, Billy's refusal to accept Mitchell's legal services, is not resolved in this scene.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • High stakes
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Slightly melodramatic at times

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally charged, with intense dialogue and high stakes, driving the plot forward and revealing important character motivations.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of seeking justice for a tragic bus accident and the emotional impact of losing children to addiction are compelling and well-developed.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of the potential lawsuit, the emotional turmoil of the characters, and the conflict between seeking justice and dealing with personal loss.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of loss and grief, with complex characters and intense conflicts. The dialogue feels authentic and raw, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are complex and their emotions are raw, adding depth to the scene and driving the conflict forward.

Character Changes: 8

The scene reveals the inner turmoil and emotional growth of the characters, particularly Mitchell, as they confront their past and present struggles.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to help the grieving father, Mr. Ansel, find justice for his children's deaths. This reflects Mitchell's desire to make a difference and seek redemption for his own personal struggles.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to convince Mr. Ansel to join a negligence suit against those responsible for the deaths of his children. This reflects the immediate challenge of gaining Mr. Ansel's trust and cooperation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between seeking justice for the bus accident and dealing with personal loss creates a tense and emotionally charged atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Mr. Ansel's resistance to Mitchell's offer creating a compelling conflict that drives the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters grapple with seeking justice for a tragic accident and confronting personal demons, adding tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a potential lawsuit, deepening character motivations, and raising the stakes for the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics between the characters and the unexpected emotional revelations.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between seeking justice and accepting loss. Mr. Ansel's anger and grief clash with Mitchell's belief in the power of legal action to bring closure.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene is highly emotionally impactful, delving into themes of loss and desperation, and revealing the raw emotions of the characters.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is intense, emotional, and reveals important character motivations and conflicts, driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict between the characters and the high stakes involved in seeking justice for the children's deaths.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged in the characters' emotional journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic confrontation, with clear character motivations and escalating tension.


Critique
  • The scene is well-written and has a lot of potential, but it could be improved by adding more details and descriptions.
  • The dialogue is not very engaging and could be more natural.
  • The scene could be more visually interesting by adding more action and movement.
  • The pacing is a bit slow and could be sped up by cutting some of the unnecessary dialogue.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt and could be more satisfying.
Suggestions
  • Add more details and descriptions to the scene, such as the weather, the time of day, and the setting.
  • Make the dialogue more engaging by having the characters speak in a more natural way.
  • Add more action and movement to the scene, such as having the characters walk around or interact with each other.
  • Cut some of the unnecessary dialogue to speed up the pacing.
  • Add a more satisfying ending to the scene, such as having the characters come to a resolution or having something happen that changes the status quo.



Scene 26 - Dolores Agrees to Legal Action: A Step Towards Justice
INT. DOLORES'S HOUSE -- DAY

MITCHELL is getting ready to leave. DOLORES is still
grasping onto ABBOTT'S hand.

DOLORES
I have a question for you, Mr.
Stephens.

MITCHELL
What's that, Dolores?




DOLORES
I told you that I was doing fifty
miles an hour when the accident
happened. That's how I remembered
it. But the truth is, I might have
been doing sixty. Or sixty five.
And if that's true, that I was over
the limit when the bus went over,
what would happen then?

MITCHELL
That would complicate things.

DOLORES
Because I'd be to blame, right?

MITCHELL
Billy Ansel will insist that you
were driving fifty-one miles an
hour. Just like you've done every
morning for the past fifteen years.

DOLORES
He knows that? Billy?

MITCHELL
Yes. He does.
DOLORES
Billy said that?

MITCHELL nods.

DOLORES (CONT'D)
You've talked to Billy?

MITCHELL
I did.

DOLORES
And Billy told you that he'll tell
that to...

MITCHELL
Mrs. Driscoll, if Billy Ansel does
not volunteer to say so in court, I
will subpoena him and oblige him to
testify to that effect.

Pause. MITCHELL plans his next step.

MITCHELL (CONT'D)
But in order to do that, you must
let me bring a suit in your name




charging negligent infliction of
emotional harm. That's what I'm now
asking you to consider.

Pause. DOLORES is lost.

MITCHELL (CONT'D)
It's clear to me and other people
that you have suffered significantly
from this event.

DOLORES
What other people?

MITCHELL
Excuse me?

DOLORES
Who's been talking to you about what
I'm feeling? Who should care about
what I'm feeling?

MITCHELL stares at DOLORES.

MITCHELL
Dolores, people have to know that
you've suffered too.

MITCHELL
And they won't understand until you
let me clear your name - your good
name - once and for all. Will you
let me do that? Will you let me do
my duty?

Suddenly, ABBOTT says something. He twists his face around
his mouth, purses his lips on the left side and emits a
string of broken syllables and sounds. After this outburst,
DOLORES looks at MITCHELL, a comforted smile on her face.

DOLORES
You heard what Abbott said?

MITCHELL
Yes.

DOLORES
Anything you didn't understand?

MITCHELL
There might have been a word or two
that slipped by. Maybe you could
clarify it for me, just to be
absolutely sure.




DOLORES
Abbott said that the true jury of a
person's peers is the people of her
town. Only they, the people who
have known her all her life, and not
twelve strangers, can decide her
guilt or innocence. And if I have
committed a crime, then it's a crime
against them, so they are the ones
who must decide my punishment.

MITCHELL stares at ABBOTT, who stares back.

MITCHELL
That's what he said, is it?

DOLORES
Yes. Abbot understands these
things.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Legal"]

Summary In this serious and emotional scene, Mitchell visits Dolores at her house to discuss the legal implications of the accident. Dolores confesses to possibly driving over the speed limit, but Mitchell reveals that Billy is willing to testify otherwise. Mitchell proposes a suit for negligent infliction of emotional harm, which Dolores initially resists due to social repercussions. However, after her son Abbott seemingly gives his approval, Dolores agrees to let Mitchell bring the suit. The scene concludes with Mitchell planning his next step, as Dolores finds hope in the prospect of justice.
Strengths
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • Emotional depth
  • Intriguing moral dilemmas
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly expository
  • Lack of visual action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight and ethical dilemmas surrounding the characters, drawing the audience into their conflicting perspectives and motivations.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of seeking justice and redemption in the aftermath of a devastating event is compelling and thought-provoking, adding depth to the narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as the characters grapple with legal implications, personal guilt, and the search for truth, creating tension and intrigue.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the concept of justice and community judgment, blending legal drama with emotional depth and moral complexity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and nuanced, adding layers of authenticity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and showcase a range of emotions and motivations, driving the narrative forward with their conflicting perspectives and personal struggles.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo emotional and moral transformations in the scene, as they confront their past actions, personal guilt, and the search for justice, leading to significant character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to clear her name and maintain her reputation within the community. She is driven by a desire for justice and validation from those who know her best.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the legal proceedings and ensure that her innocence is proven. She is facing the challenge of potential legal consequences and societal judgment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, as the characters grapple with legal implications, personal guilt, and the search for justice, creating tension and drama.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints, moral dilemmas, and legal challenges creating obstacles for the protagonist. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding suspense and complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters face legal repercussions, personal guilt, and the search for justice, with the potential to impact their lives and relationships significantly.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing key conflicts, advancing character arcs, and setting the stage for future developments, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics, moral ambiguity, and unexpected character revelations. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will be resolved and what choices the characters will make.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of justice and community judgment versus legal proceedings. The protagonist believes that her town's people should be the ones to decide her fate, while the legal system dictates otherwise.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, as the characters' struggles and conflicting emotions resonate deeply, drawing viewers into their moral and emotional dilemmas.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the characters' inner turmoil, adding depth to their interactions and highlighting the moral complexities of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, moral dilemmas, and character dynamics. The conflict and tension keep the audience invested in the outcome, while the dialogue and pacing maintain a sense of suspense and intrigue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, revealing character motivations, and advancing the plot. The rhythm of the dialogue and the strategic pauses enhance the emotional impact of the scene and maintain the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to industry standards for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and character actions are well-defined, enhancing the reader's understanding of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a legal drama, with a clear conflict, rising tension, and emotional resolution. The pacing and dialogue contribute to the scene's effectiveness and narrative development.


Critique
  • The dialogue is a bit stiff and unnatural. It doesn't feel like a real conversation between two people.
  • The scene doesn't really advance the plot. It's mostly just Mitchell trying to convince Dolores to let him file a lawsuit on her behalf.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt. It feels like there should be more of a resolution to the conversation.
Suggestions
  • Try to make the dialogue more natural and conversational. Use contractions, colloquialisms, and other informal language.
  • Add some more conflict to the scene. Have Mitchell and Dolores disagree about something, or have Mitchell face some kind of obstacle in his quest to convince her to file a lawsuit.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending. Have Mitchell and Dolores come to some kind of agreement, or have Mitchell have a realization that changes his perspective on the case.



Scene 27 - Nicole's Discharge and Uncertain Future
EXT. DOLORES'S HOUSE -- DAY

MITCHELL leaves the DRISCOLL house, watched by DOLORES.

INT. HOSPITAL -- MORNING

NICOLE BURNELL is in bed. A doctor, DR. ROBESON, is
touching her forehead. NICOLE'S family (SAM, her mother
MARY, and her little sister JENNY)

DR. ROBESON
The mind is kind.

The camera fixes on NICOLE'S expression as she stares ahead.

NICOLE
(voice over)
They say I'm lucky because I can't
remember the accident.

SAM
Don't even try to remember.

MARY
You just think about getting well,
Nicole, that's all.

The camera is always fixed on NICOLE'S face when her voice
over is heard.

NICOLE
(voice over)
I know I'm as well as I ever can be
again. So shut up, Mom. To stay
like this, to live like a slug, I'm
going to have to work like someone
trying to get into the Olympics.

SAM
Just wait till you see what we've
got waiting for you at home.

CUT TO

INT. HOSPITAL -- DAY

NICOLE, in a wheelchair, is being led down a hallway with
her family.

NICOLE
(voice over)
It's an incredible relief to be
leaving the hospital. I'm so sick
of looking at my doctor, listening
to Frankenstein ask me stupid
questions about what I was
feeling...

CUT TO

INT. HOSPITAL. LOBBY. -- DAY

NICOLE is being wheeled to the front door of the hospital.

NICOLE
(voice over,
continuing)
He thought it was cute when I called
him Frankenstein. It wasn't. I
feel like his monster.

MARY
Isn't it a lovely day?

NICOLE
What happened to summer?

MARY
Summer's over. It's fall.

NICOLE
And winter?
MARY
Well, winter's far behind us now.




NICOLE
How was it?

MARY
We had a terrible winter last year,
didn't we, Sam?

SAM nods.

NICOLE
Good thing I was in Florida.

MARY doesn't know quite what to make of NICOLE'S joke. SAM
flashes NICOLE a smile. She doesn't return it.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Mitchell departs from Dolores's house as Nicole Burnell, a hospital patient, prepares to leave the hospital after being unable to recall the accident that caused her injuries. She is now in a wheelchair and will face a challenging recovery. Her family, including her mother and brother, are there to support her, but Nicole feels there is more to her recovery than just getting well. The scene is filled with emotion, hope, and apprehension, and ends with Nicole being wheeled out of the hospital, determined to face her recovery head-on.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Slow pacing in some parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the emotional journey of the character, showcasing themes of resilience and hope. The dialogue and interactions feel authentic and poignant, drawing the audience into Nicole's recovery process.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of resilience and healing after a traumatic event is well-executed in the scene. It explores the emotional impact of the accident on Nicole and her family, highlighting their strength and determination to overcome adversity.

Plot: 8

The plot focuses on Nicole's recovery journey and her family's support, providing a compelling narrative arc that engages the audience. The scene effectively moves the story forward by showing Nicole's progress and emotional growth.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the theme of recovery and resilience, with authentic character interactions and a unique blend of internal monologue and external dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, especially Nicole and her family members, who exhibit depth and emotional complexity. Their interactions feel genuine and heartfelt, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Nicole undergoes significant emotional growth and resilience throughout the scene, showcasing her determination to overcome the challenges she faces. The supportive dynamic within her family also contributes to the character development, highlighting their bond and strength.

Internal Goal: 8

Nicole's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with her new reality and find a way to cope with her physical limitations. This reflects her deeper need for acceptance and resilience in the face of adversity.

External Goal: 7

Nicole's external goal in this scene is to leave the hospital and return home with her family. This reflects the immediate circumstances of her recovery and the challenges she will face in adjusting to her new life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

While there is internal conflict related to Nicole's recovery process, the scene primarily focuses on her emotional journey and the supportive dynamic within her family. The conflict is more subtle and internalized, adding depth to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Nicole faces internal and external challenges in coming to terms with her new reality and adjusting to her physical limitations.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not explicitly high in the scene, the emotional journey of the characters and the themes of resilience and healing add a sense of importance and significance to the narrative. The scene emphasizes the personal growth and strength of the characters.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by focusing on Nicole's recovery journey and her family's support, providing a deeper insight into the characters' emotional experiences. It sets the stage for further development and exploration of the themes of resilience and healing.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters and the protagonist's internal conflict, keeping the audience engaged and uncertain about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between acceptance and denial. Nicole's family wants her to focus on getting well and moving forward, while Nicole herself struggles with accepting her new reality and the limitations it brings.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of empathy and hope as the audience witnesses Nicole's journey to recovery. The poignant moments and heartfelt interactions resonate with the viewers, creating a powerful emotional connection.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is poignant and realistic, capturing the emotional nuances of the characters' experiences. It effectively conveys the themes of resilience and hope, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it captures the emotional complexity of the protagonist's journey and the dynamics within her family, drawing the audience into the character's internal and external struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing for moments of introspection and character interaction to unfold naturally.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting that enhances readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively transitioning between different locations and character interactions to advance the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene does not have a clear purpose or direction. It begins with Mitchell leaving Dolores's house, but then quickly shifts to Nicole in the hospital. The two scenes feel disconnected and it is unclear how they relate to each other.
  • The dialogue in the hospital scene is stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a way that feels forced and unrealistic.
  • Nicole's voiceover is overused and repetitive. It would be more effective if it was used sparingly to provide insight into her thoughts and feelings.
  • The scene ends abruptly without a clear resolution or transition. It leaves the reader feeling unsatisfied and confused.
Suggestions
  • Revise the scene to give it a clear purpose and direction. Consider starting with Nicole in the hospital and then cutting to Mitchell leaving Dolores's house as a way to connect the two scenes.
  • Rewrite the dialogue in the hospital scene to make it more natural and realistic. Avoid using stilted or unnatural language.
  • Use Nicole's voiceover more sparingly and effectively. Consider using it to provide insight into her thoughts and feelings about her situation.
  • Add a clear resolution or transition to the end of the scene. Consider having Nicole and her family discuss her upcoming discharge from the hospital or having Mitchell return to his office to continue his investigation.



Scene 28 - The Suspicious Room
EXT. BURNELL HOME -- DAY

NICOLE arrives at home. The car pulls up in front of the
modest house.

SAM opens the door and puts the wheelchair up next to it.
He points out the ramp he has built for NICOLE.

The ramp is painted green.

SAM
How do you like it, Nicole?

NICOLE
The ramp?

SAM
Pretty slick, eh?

NICOLE
Very slick.

SAM
Do you like the colour?
NICOLE
It's okay.

SAM
And I had to widen a few doors.
You'll see.

CUT TO

INT. BURNELL HOME -- DAY




Inside the house. The interior of the house is dark and
somewhat tawdry. The BURNELL'S are almost poor.

But SAM then leads NICOLE into the special room he has built
for her. It seems like another world. Every detail has
been lovingly attended to. No expense has been spared to
make this room as attractive and inviting as possible.

A room that a guilty, abusive father might dream up for his
crippled daughter.

SAM
What do you think?

Pause. NICOLE wheels around, trying to control her emotions
as she inspects the room. A phone rings in the background.
MARY goes to answer it.

NICOLE fixes her gaze at the back of the door.

NICOLE
The door needs a lock.

SAM
(taken aback)
Sure. I'll fix it right away.

SAM goes to get his tools. JENNY stares at NICOLE.

JENNY
Can I come and visit you here?

NICOLE
You better. And you can sleep in my
new bed with me too.
NICOLE grabs her sister's hand, and JENNY moves in close to
her. SAM comes back with the tools. He starts to screw in
the hook.

NICOLE (CONT'D)
That's too high. I'll never reach
it.

SAM
(nervous)
Oh. I better get some spackle.

SAM leaves again.

JENNY
Mommy says you need to lock the boys
out.




NICOLE
What boys?

JENNY
I don't know.

NICOLE stares at JENNY, as MARY comes back into the room.

MARY
So do you like your new room?

NICOLE
It's interesting.

MARY
Your Dad spent all his spare time in
here. He wanted to make it
absolutely perfect.

NICOLE
I feel like a princess.

SAM comes back and begins to work on the door. NICOLE
watches him. She notices a new computer on a desk.

NICOLE (CONT'D)
Is this mine?
MARY
Yes. It's a present.

NICOLE
From you?

MARY
No. From Mr. Stephens. That was
him on the phone just now. He was
calling to see how you were.

NICOLE
Who's Mr. Stephens?

SAM
He's a lawyer. He's our lawyer.

NICOLE
You and Mom have a lawyer?

SAM
Well, yes. He's your lawyer too.

NICOLE
My lawyer? Why do I need a lawyer?




MARY
Maybe we shouldn't be talking about
this just now, with you barely home.
Aren't you hungry, honey? Want me
to fix you something?

NICOLE
No. What's this lawyer business?

MARY turns to JENNY.

MARY
Jenny, why don't you go and play
outside?

JENNY looks at NICOLE.

JENNY
He's given me some stuff too. Toys,
and some books...

MARY
Jenny.

JENNY turns to leave. When she's outside, MARY continues.

MARY (CONT'D)
He's a very kind man. And he knew
that you'd need a computer for doing
schoolwork.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary NICOLE arrives home to find a ramp for her wheelchair and a lavishly decorated room prepared by SAM. Gifts from a lawyer named MR. STEPHENS have also arrived, making NICOLE skeptical and demanding answers. Tension rises as NICOLE questions the need for a lawyer, creating uncertainty and suspicion in the scene.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Complex family dynamics
  • Resonant themes
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more impactful
  • Limited external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys a range of emotions and sets up a poignant family dynamic, drawing the audience in with its heartfelt moments and underlying tension.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a disabled daughter returning home to a specially built room by her father is unique and adds depth to the family dynamics. The exploration of guilt, love, and resilience is compelling.

Plot: 8

The plot focuses on the daughter's return home and the unveiling of the specially built room, setting up potential conflicts and emotional moments to come. It moves the story forward by revealing more about the family dynamics.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar family drama setting but adds unique elements such as the wheelchair ramp, the special room, and the mysterious lawyer character. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with the father showing guilt and love, the daughter displaying resilience, and the mother trying to maintain a sense of normalcy. Their interactions create depth and emotional impact.

Character Changes: 7

The daughter's return home and the unveiling of the specially built room hint at potential character changes and growth, especially in the father's guilt and the daughter's resilience. It sets up a path for character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Nicole's internal goal is to navigate her new living situation and understand the underlying dynamics within her family. She is trying to process her emotions and reactions to the changes happening around her.

External Goal: 7

Nicole's external goal is to adapt to her new room and living arrangements, as well as to understand the significance of the gifts and gestures from her family members.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on the characters' feelings of guilt, love, and resilience. It sets up potential conflicts for future developments.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with underlying tensions and conflicts that create obstacles for the protagonist and keep the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are emotional and internal, focusing on the characters' feelings of guilt, love, and resilience. The scene sets up potential conflicts and character growth, hinting at higher stakes to come.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by revealing more about the family dynamics, setting up potential conflicts, and hinting at character changes. It adds depth to the narrative and sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the mysterious lawyer character, the tension between family members, and the hidden motivations behind the gifts and gestures.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The scene hints at a philosophical conflict between appearances and reality, as the seemingly perfect room for Nicole contrasts with the darker undertones of her family dynamics.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, drawing the audience in with its heartfelt moments, underlying tension, and complex family dynamics. It evokes a range of emotions from sadness to hope.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and serves to reveal the characters' emotions and relationships. It could be more impactful with some added depth and subtext.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the underlying tension, emotional depth, and the gradual reveal of family secrets and conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, allowing for emotional moments to resonate and conflicts to unfold gradually.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a family drama genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-defined character interactions.


Critique
  • The dialogue is a bit forced and unnatural. It doesn't feel like real people talking to each other. For example, when Nicole says, "It's okay," to Sam's question about the color of the ramp, it sounds like something someone would say in a customer service script, not a real conversation.
  • The scene is too focused on describing the room and not enough on the characters. We don't get a sense of how Nicole is feeling about being home, or how her family is adjusting to her disability.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. It feels like the writer just wanted to get the scene over with, rather than giving it a proper resolution.
  • There is a lot of unnecessary repetition in the dialogue. For example, Sam says, "It's okay," and then Nicole says, "It's okay," in response. This kind of repetition can make the dialogue feel stilted and unnatural.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or goal. It's not clear what Nicole wants or what she's trying to achieve. This makes it difficult for the reader to engage with the scene.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and conversational. Avoid using stilted or unnatural language.
  • Add more details about the characters and their relationships. This will help the reader to connect with them and understand their motivations.
  • Give the scene a clear conflict or goal. This will give the reader something to root for and make the scene more engaging.
  • Avoid unnecessary repetition in the dialogue. This will make the dialogue more concise and easier to read.
  • Consider adding some humor to the scene. This will help to lighten the mood and make the scene more enjoyable to read.



Scene 29 - Unsteady Branches and Legal Battles: A Family's Struggle
EXT. BURNELL HOME. PORCH -- DAY

NICOLE wheels her chair to the exterior porch, where she
watches her sister climb a tree. SAM follows her outside.



SAM
It's because of the accident,
Nicole. Most people in this town
whose kids were on the bus have got
lawyers. A lot of people...well,
people in this town are very angry.
Us included.

NICOLE
But you didn't lose me.

MARY
No, honey. And we will thank the
Lord for that every day and night




for the rest of our lives. But you
almost died, and you were badly
injured, and you won't be...you
can't...

NICOLE
I can't walk anymore.

ANGLE ON
NICOLE'S P.O.V. of JENNY playing on a tree branch.

SAM
You're going to need special care
for a long time to come. It's not
going to be easy. Not for you, not
for any of us. Because we love you
so much. And it's going to cost
money. More than we can imagine.

NICOLE
What about insurance? Doesn't
insurance pay for these things?

SAM
Partly. But there's a lot the
insurance doesn't cover. That's one
of the reasons we have a lawyer. To
make sure the insurance gets paid
and to help us look after the rest.

NICOLE
How will he do that?

SAM
Well, Mr. Stephens is representing
several families. The Ottos, the
Walkers, us, and I think a couple
more. Mr. Stephens is suing the
town for negligence. He's sure that
the accident could have been avoided
if they had done their jobs right.
He's a very smart man.

NICOLE stares at her sister who's at the top of the tree.
JENNY turns to look back at NICOLE.

There's a tension, as it seems as though JENNY is going to
let herself fall.

NICOLE
(voice over)
That's the first thing I heard about
you. That you were a smart man.




That you were so smart that you
were going to sue the town, then
make us all feel better...

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this serious and reflective scene, Nicole watches her sister Jenny climb a tree while confined to her wheelchair on the Burnell home's porch. Sam explains their need for a lawyer, Mr. Stephens, to seek compensation from the town for the bus accident that injured Nicole. Financial strain and emotional challenges weigh on the family, but Sam reassures Nicole of their efforts. The scene concludes with Nicole pondering Mr. Stephens' future role, setting the stage for further developments.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic portrayal of aftermath
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly exposition-heavy

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight of the situation and sets up the legal and financial challenges the characters will face.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of dealing with the aftermath of a tragic accident and the legal implications is well-developed and engaging.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as the characters discuss legal matters and the challenges they will face in the future.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the aftermath of a tragic accident, focusing on the emotional and financial implications for the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and the portrayal of family dynamics add to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show depth and emotion as they grapple with the aftermath of the accident and the uncertainty of the future.

Character Changes: 7

The characters show signs of change as they come to terms with the new reality and the challenges they will face.

Internal Goal: 8

Nicole's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with her new reality of being unable to walk and to understand the financial and emotional implications of her situation. This reflects her deeper fears of dependency, loss of control, and the impact her condition has on her family.

External Goal: 7

Nicole's external goal is to understand the legal and financial implications of the accident and her injuries. She is trying to grasp the extent of the situation and how it will affect her and her family.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict as the characters discuss legal matters and the challenges they will face, but the emotional weight of the situation is more prominent.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the characters face internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs and values. The uncertainty of the legal and emotional outcomes adds to the tension.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters face the emotional and financial repercussions of the accident, setting up a tense and uncertain future.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the legal repercussions and the challenges the characters will face in the future.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the emotional and moral dilemmas faced by the characters. The audience is unsure of how the family will navigate the challenges ahead.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of seeking justice and compensation for negligence versus accepting the situation and finding peace within the family. Nicole's family is torn between anger and the desire for retribution, and the need to support and care for Nicole.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact as the characters grapple with the aftermath of the accident and the uncertainty of the future.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and concerns, setting up the conflicts and challenges they will face.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth, realistic dialogue, and the tension between the characters. The audience is drawn into the family dynamics and the characters' struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth, allowing the audience to connect with the characters' struggles and dilemmas. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic family interaction, with clear character motivations and conflicts. The pacing and rhythm of the dialogue contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The dialogue feels a bit stilted and unnatural, especially Sam's explanation of the lawsuit. It's important to make the dialogue sound like real people talking, and to avoid info dumps.
  • The scene lacks a clear goal or conflict. What do the characters want, and what are they doing to achieve their goals? Adding a clear conflict will help to drive the scene forward and make it more engaging.
  • The scene doesn't do much to develop the characters. We don't learn anything new about Sam, Mary, or Nicole, and their relationships don't change in any significant way.
  • The scene ends abruptly, without giving us a sense of closure. It would be helpful to add a few lines of dialogue or action to wrap up the scene and leave the reader satisfied.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and conversational. For example, instead of having Sam say, "Mr. Stephens is representing several families. The Ottos, the Walkers, us, and I think a couple more. Mr. Stephens is suing the town for negligence. He's sure that the accident could have been avoided if they had done their jobs right. He's a very smart man.", you could have him say something like, "We've got a lawyer named Mr. Stephens. He's representing a bunch of families who lost kids in the accident. He's suing the town because he thinks they're to blame. He's a smart guy, and he's going to fight for us."
  • Add a clear goal or conflict to the scene. For example, you could have Nicole be hesitant about the lawsuit, and Sam could try to convince her that it's the right thing to do. This would create a conflict between the two characters and give the scene a sense of purpose.
  • Develop the characters by giving them more depth and complexity. For example, you could explore Sam's grief over the accident, or Mary's fears about the future. This would help the reader to connect with the characters on a deeper level.
  • Add a few lines of dialogue or action to wrap up the scene and leave the reader satisfied. For example, you could have Nicole agree to the lawsuit, or you could have Sam and Mary express their hope for the future. This would give the scene a sense of closure and leave the reader with a positive feeling.



Scene 30 - Mitchell's Daughter Struggles and Mitchell's Inner Conflict
EXT. GAS STATION -- NIGHT

FLASHBACK to the scene outside the gas station between
MITCHELL and BILLY.

The cell phone in MITCHELL'S car has begun to ring. The two
men stare at each other.

NICOLE
(voice over)
You're good at that. Good at
getting people to believe you could
do something for them. Something
they could never do for themselves.

MITCHELL breaks the silence.

MITCHELL
That's my daughter. Or it may be
the police to tell me that they've
found her dead. She's a drug
addict.

BILLY
Why are you telling me this?

MITCHELL
I'm telling you this because we've
all lost our children, Mr. Ansel...

CUT TO

INT. AIRPLANE. FIRST CLASS CABIN -- NIGHT

MITCHELL stares at the sleeping figure of ALISON.

MITCHELL
(voice over)
They're dead to us.

CUT TO

EXT. GAS STATION -- NIGHT

Back to the scene between BILLY and MITCHELL. The cellular
phone is ringing. MITCHELL breaks the stare with BILLY and
moves to his car.
The camera follows him, as BILLY moves back to his truck in
the background. MITCHELL gets in his car and picks up the
phone.

MITCHELL
Yes, I'll accept the charges.

ZOE
Daddy?

CUT TO

EXT. PHONE BOOTH -- AFTERNOON

MITCHELL
Yes.

ZOE
I'm calling because I've got some
news for you, Daddy. Some big news.

MITCHELL
News?

ZOE
Don't you want to hear?

MITCHELL
Yes. Give me your news, Zoe.

ZOE
You always think you know what I'm
going to say, don't you? You always
think you're two steps ahead of me.
The lawyer.

MITCHELL
Tell me your news, Zoe.

ZOE
Okay. I went to sell blood
yesterday. That's how it is. I'm
in this fucking city where my father
is a hot shit lawyer, and I'm
selling my blood.
MITCHELL
That's not news, Zoe.

ZOE
No. But this is. They wouldn't
take my blood.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Mitchell receives a call from his drug-addict daughter Zoe while at a gas station with Billy. He shares his personal struggles and fears with Billy, then goes to an airplane cabin to stare at his other daughter Alison. The scene cuts back to the gas station where Mitchell accepts the call from Zoe, who reveals she couldn't sell her blood due to her addiction. Mitchell listens and empathizes with Zoe's situation, leaving him concerned and sad about her struggle with addiction.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Intriguing conflicts and mysteries
  • Compelling dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some scenes may be emotionally heavy for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth of the characters and sets up intriguing conflicts and mysteries, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of loss, guilt, and seeking justice is well-developed in the scene, adding layers to the narrative and character motivations.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with revelations about the characters' pasts, their current dilemmas, and the escalating conflicts, building tension and intrigue.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of family dysfunction and personal tragedy, with authentic and raw character interactions that feel genuine and impactful.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are complex and compelling, each dealing with personal struggles and facing moral dilemmas, adding depth to the story.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo emotional and moral transformations in the scene, grappling with their past actions and future decisions, adding complexity to their arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to confront his own guilt and grief over his daughter's drug addiction and potential death. This reflects his deeper need for redemption and reconciliation with his past mistakes.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to maintain a facade of control and composure in front of others, despite his personal turmoil and family issues. This reflects the immediate challenge of hiding his emotions and maintaining a sense of authority.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, including emotional turmoil, moral dilemmas, and legal disputes, heightening the tension and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with emotional barriers and conflicts that challenge the protagonist's sense of control and authority, creating uncertainty and tension for the audience.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high for the characters, as they face personal losses, legal battles, and emotional turmoil, adding intensity and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly advances the plot by revealing crucial information, escalating conflicts, and setting up future developments, keeping the story engaging and suspenseful.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelations and emotional twists that challenge the audience's expectations and assumptions about the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between appearances and reality, as the characters struggle to maintain a facade of normalcy while dealing with deep emotional pain and loss. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about identity and self-worth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, delving into the characters' pain, guilt, and struggles, creating a powerful and moving experience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is poignant and reveals the characters' inner thoughts and emotions, driving the narrative forward and creating tension.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, complex character dynamics, and suspenseful storytelling that keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, using a mix of dialogue, voiceovers, and visual cues to maintain a sense of urgency and emotional intensity.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is consistent with the genre's expectations, using clear scene headings and transitions to guide the reader through the narrative.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a non-linear format that enhances the emotional impact and reveals the characters' inner turmoil effectively.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. What is the intention of the phone call between Mitchell and his daughter? Is it to provide more information about Mitchell's past or to explore his current emotional state? The scene needs to be more focused and driven by a specific goal.
  • The dialogue is repetitive and lacks emotional depth. Mitchell and Zoe's conversation is dominated by accusations and recriminations, and it doesn't reveal much about their characters or their relationship. The dialogue needs to be more nuanced and emotionally resonant.
  • The pacing of the scene is too slow and lacks tension. The phone call drags on without much happening, and the audience loses interest. The scene needs to be more concise and engaging.
  • The scene ends abruptly without a satisfying resolution. Mitchell and Zoe's conversation is cut short, and the audience is left hanging. The scene needs to have a more satisfying ending that provides closure or sets up future developments.
  • The use of flashbacks and cross-cutting between multiple locations is confusing and disorienting. The audience has difficulty following the narrative and understanding the relationship between the different scenes. The editing needs to be more seamless and clear.
Suggestions
  • Consider starting the scene with a stronger hook that immediately grabs the audience's attention and establishes the purpose of the phone call.
  • Develop Mitchell and Zoe's characters more by exploring their motivations, fears, and desires. Give them more depth and complexity.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to be more natural and emotionally resonant. Avoid repetitive phrases and focus on creating a genuine connection between the characters.
  • Tighten the pacing of the scene by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action. Keep the focus on the most important moments and events.
  • Use flashbacks and cross-cutting sparingly and only when necessary to enhance the narrative. Make sure that the transitions between scenes are smooth and easy to follow.



Scene 31 - Zoe's Fear and Need for Money
INT. CAR -- DAY

Image of ZOE as a little girl in MITCHELL'S lap. Her face
is swollen. She is being driven to the hospital.

MITCHELL is singing her a lullaby.

MiTCHELL's conversation with ZOE continues over this image.

ZOE
Do you know what that means, Daddy?
Does it register?

MITCHELL
Yes.

ZOE
I tested positive.

MITCHELL
Yes.

ZOE
Welcome to hard times, Daddy.

Pause.

MITCHELL
What do you want me to do, Zoe?
I'll do whatever you want.

ZOE
I need money.

MITCHELL
What for?

ZOE
You can't ask me that! Not anymore!
You asked me what I wanted. Not
what I wanted it for. I want money.

MITCHELL
Do you have the blood test?

ZOE
You don't believe me? You don't
fucking believe me?

MITCHELL
Of...course I do. I just
thought...I could get you another




test. In case the one you got...was
wrong.

ZOE
I like it when you don't believe me,
Daddy. It's better you don't
believe me but have to act like you
do.

Pause.

ZOE (CONT'D)
I can hear you breathing, Daddy.

MITCHELL
Yes. I can hear you breathing too.

ZOE begins to cry over the phone.

ZOE
Oh God, I'm scared.

MITCHELL
I love you, Zoe. I'll be there
soon, and I'll take care of you. No
matter what happens. I'll take care
of you.
CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Zoe, a scared little girl, asks her father Mitchell for money on their way to the hospital, where she has tested positive for something. Mitchell struggles to understand the situation and reassures Zoe of his love and care.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited visual elements
  • Dependent on dialogue for emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 10

The scene is emotionally charged, gripping, and showcases powerful performances that evoke a strong response from the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a father facing his daughter's health crisis and addiction is compelling and relatable, drawing the audience into the characters' emotional journey.

Plot: 8

The plot focuses on Mitchell's struggle to support Zoe through her health crisis and addiction, adding depth to the overall narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of family dynamics in times of crisis. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds originality to the familiar situation of dealing with illness.


Character Development

Characters: 10

The characters, especially Mitchell and Zoe, are well-developed and their emotional depth drives the scene forward, creating a strong connection with the audience.

Character Changes: 9

Mitchell undergoes a significant emotional transformation as he confronts Zoe's health crisis and addiction, showcasing his unconditional love and dedication as a father.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to feel supported and loved by her father despite the difficult circumstances. This reflects her deeper need for security and reassurance in a time of crisis.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to get money for her medical needs. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a positive test result and the financial implications.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The internal conflict within Mitchell as he grapples with Zoe's health crisis and addiction creates a sense of tension and urgency in the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs and emotions driving the characters' interactions. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will unfold.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of Zoe's health crisis and addiction raise the tension and emotional intensity of the scene, highlighting the profound impact on the characters' lives.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the emotional stakes and character dynamics, setting the stage for further development in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters and the unexpected emotional revelations that occur.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around belief and trust. Zoe challenges her father's belief in her by questioning his trust in her words and actions. This challenges his values of honesty and support.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene has a high emotional impact, eliciting empathy and compassion from the audience towards the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is poignant and authentic, effectively conveying the characters' emotions and inner turmoil.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional intensity and vulnerability displayed by the characters. The audience is drawn into the intimate and tense conversation between father and daughter.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing for a gradual escalation of conflict and resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, allowing for clear and concise storytelling.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively building tension and emotional depth through the characters' interactions.


Critique
  • This is a critical scene in the film, as it reveals the extent of Zoe's addiction and Mitchell's desperation to help her. However, the scene is somewhat static and lacks dramatic tension.
  • The dialogue is repetitive and lacks subtext. Zoe simply states her needs and Mitchell responds with platitudes.
  • The scene could be improved by adding more conflict and tension. For example, Mitchell could be more reluctant to give Zoe money, or Zoe could be more manipulative in her request.
  • The scene could also be improved by adding more visual interest. For example, the camera could move around more, or the scene could be shot in a more visually stimulating location.
Suggestions
  • Add more conflict and tension to the scene. For example, Mitchell could be more reluctant to give Zoe money, or Zoe could be more manipulative in her request.
  • Add more visual interest to the scene. For example, the camera could move around more, or the scene could be shot in a more visually stimulating location.



Scene 32 - Mitchell's Visit to the Burnell Home and His Conversation with Nicole
INT. AIRPLANE. FIRST CLASS CABIN -- NIGHT

MITCHELL is still staring at the sleeping figure of ALISON.

ALISON'S blanket has fallen to the side.

MITCHELL lifts the blanket, and covers the sleeping figure
of the young woman.

CUT TO

EXT. BURNELL HOME -- DAY

MITCHELL drives up to the BURNELL home. He gets out of his
car and walks to the front door.

SAM has repainted the ramp.

It is now red.

CUT TO

INT. BURNELL HOME. KITCHEN -- DAY




MITCHELL meets NICOLE. SAM and MARY are also seated at the
table.

The meeting takes place in the kitchen/diningroom.

MITCHELL
Well, Nicole, I've been wanting to
meet you for a long time now. Not
just because I've heard so many good
things about you, but because, as
you know, I'm the guy representing
you and your mom and dad and some
other folks here in town. We're
trying to generate some
compensation, however meager, for
what you have suffered, and at the
same time see that an accident like
this never happens again. You're
central to the case I'm trying to
build, Nicole. But you'd probably
just as soon let the whole thing
lie. Just get on with your life as
quickly and smoothly as possible.

NICOLE nods. Pause, as MITCHELL waits for her to go on.

NICOLE
I don't like thinking about the
accident. I don't even remember it
happening. Besides, it just makes
people feel sorry for me, and...

MITCHELL
You hate that.

NICOLE nods.

SAM
What she means, Mitch...

MITCHELL silences SAM with a gesture of his hand.

MITCHELL
People can't help it, you know.
They really can't. When they see
you in this wheelchair, knowing what
your life was life eight months ago,
people are going to feel sorry for
you. There's no way around it,
Nicole. You and I just met, and
already I admire you. Who wouldn't?
You're a brave tough smart kid.
That's obvious. And I didn't know
you, know how exciting and promising




your life was before the accident.
But listen, even I feel sorry for
you.

NICOLE
You can only feel lucky that you
didn't die for so long. Then you
start to feel...unlucky.

MITCHELL
That you didn't die? Like the other
children?

NICOLE
Yes. Like Bear and the Ansel twins
and Sean and...

MARY
Nicole!

NICOLE
It's the truth.

MITCHELL regards MARY with calm authority, as though he's
telling her the time.

MITCHELL
It is the truth.

Pause. MITCHELL looks back at NICOLE.

MITCHELL (CONT'D)
It would be strange if you didn't
feel that way.

NICOLE
(after a slight
pause)
What do you want me to do for you,
Mr. Stephens?

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In this scene, Mitchell covers Alison with a blanket on the airplane and then drives to the Burnell home, where he meets Nicole, Sam, and Mary in the kitchen. Mitchell discusses the case and Nicole's feelings about the accident, acknowledging her grief over the other children who died. Nicole struggles with feelings of guilt and grief, which Mitchell validates. Sam tries to interject, causing some tension, and the scene ends with Nicole asking Mitchell what he wants her to do for the case.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Authentic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external action
  • Slow pacing in some parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys deep emotional resonance and introspection, drawing the audience into the characters' inner turmoil and conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the aftermath of a tragic accident and its impact on the characters is compelling and thought-provoking.

Plot: 8

The plot focuses on character dynamics, emotional revelations, and the unfolding consequences of the accident, driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of empathy and empowerment, exploring the complexities of sympathy and admiration in the aftermath of a tragedy. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and nuanced, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, each grappling with their own internal struggles and conflicting emotions, adding depth and complexity to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo emotional growth and introspection, leading to subtle but significant changes in their perspectives and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to connect with Nicole on a personal level, empathize with her struggles, and gain her trust. This reflects his deeper desire to help her heal emotionally and find closure after the accident.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to build a case for compensation for Nicole and prevent similar accidents in the future. This reflects the immediate challenges of legal representation and community safety.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene is driven by internal conflicts and emotional tension rather than external action, adding depth and complexity to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Nicole's internal struggles and conflicting emotions create obstacles for Mitchell in gaining her trust and understanding her perspective.

High Stakes: 8

The emotional stakes are high as the characters grapple with guilt, loss, and the aftermath of a tragic accident, adding tension and depth to the scene.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene focuses more on character development and emotional exploration, it still moves the story forward by revealing key insights and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the nuanced character interactions and emotional revelations. The audience is kept on their toes as the characters navigate complex emotions and conflicts.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of sympathy versus empowerment. Nicole struggles with feeling pitied by others, while Mitchell tries to show her that sympathy can coexist with admiration and respect.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions and empathy from the audience, immersing them in the characters' struggles and emotional journey.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is poignant and reflective, capturing the characters' inner thoughts and feelings with authenticity and emotional depth.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, realistic dialogue, and subtle character dynamics. The conflicts and resolutions keep the audience invested in the characters' journeys.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, revealing character motivations, and creating emotional impact. The pauses and silences enhance the rhythm of the dialogue and add depth to the interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and transitions are effective in guiding the reader through the narrative.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic dialogue-driven sequence, with clear character introductions, conflicts, and resolutions. The pacing and formatting enhance the emotional impact of the interactions.


Critique
  • The dialogue doesn't provide a clear purpose or direction for the scene.
  • The characters' motivations and goals are unclear.
  • The scene lacks tension or conflict, which makes it feel flat and uninteresting.
  • The scene doesn't advance the plot or character development.
Suggestions
  • Give the scene a clear purpose or goal, such as having Mitchell try to convince Nicole to cooperate with the lawsuit.
  • Develop the characters' motivations and goals so that the audience understands what they want and why they're doing what they're doing.
  • Create tension or conflict by introducing obstacles or challenges that the characters must overcome.
  • Connect the scene to the larger plot by having it reveal new information or advance the character development.



Scene 33 - Preparing for Depositions: Truth and Tension
INT. BURNELL HOME. LIVINGROOM. -- DAY

TIME CUT fifteen minutes forward. The scene shifts to the
livingroom.

MITCHELL and NICOLE are alone in the room. SAM comes back
from another room, as MARY appears from the kitchen with a
plate of cookies.

NICOLE
(voice over)




That got you talking about
depositions and lawyers. By the
time Daddy came back from the
washroom and Mom came in with her
tea and cookies, you were going on
about how tough it would be for me
to answer some of the questions
those other lawyers would ask .

MITCHELL
They work for the people we're
trying to sue. Their job is to try
to minimize damages. Our job,
Nicole, is to try to maximize them.
You have to think of it that way.
As people doing their jobs. No good
guys or bad guys. Just our side and
their side.

NICOLE
I won't lie.

MITCHELL
I don't want you to lie.

NICOLE
The truth is that it was an
accident, and no one's to blame.

MITCHELL
There's no such thing as an
accident, Nicole. Not in a
situation like this.

NICOLE
You seem very sure about that.

MITCHELL
I'm absolutely positive.

NICOLE turns to face SAM. She stares at him.

NICOLE
No matter what I'm asked, I'll tell
the truth.

SAM looks back, expressionless.

MITCHELL
That's fine. I want you to be
absolutely truthful. And I'll be
right there to advise and help you.
And there'll be a court stenographer
there to make a record of it, and
that's what'll go to the judge,
before the trial is set. It'll be
the same for everybody. They'll be
deposing the Ottos and the Walkers,
the bus driver...

NICOLE
Dolores.

MITCHELL
Yes. Dolores...and even your mom
and dad. But I'll make sure you go
last.

NICOLE
Why?

MITCHELL
So you can keep on getting well
before you have to go and do this.
It's not going to be easy, Nicole.
Do you understand that?

NICOLE nods.

SAM
When do they award damages?

MITCHELL
Depends. This could drag on for
quite a while. But we'll be there
at the end, Sam. Don't you worry.

NICOLE
(voice over)
At that moment, I hated my parents -
Daddy for what he knew and had done,

NICOLE
and even Mom for what she didn't
know and hadn't done. You told me
it wasn't going to be easy. But as
I sat there, staring at Daddy, I
knew it was going to be the easiest
thing in my life.
CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In the Burnell living room, Mitchell explains the purpose of the upcoming depositions to Nicole, emphasizing the need to maximize damages. Nicole, however, is determined to tell the truth, causing a rift in their views. Meanwhile, Nicole's parents, Sam and Mary, are present but mostly in the background, with Nicole particularly tense around her father. The scene concludes with Nicole steeled to share the truth during her deposition, feeling increasingly estranged from her parents.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Complex characters
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Pacing may be slow for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight and ethical dilemmas faced by the characters, setting up a compelling conflict and raising important questions about truth and accountability.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring the aftermath of a tragic accident through the lens of a legal case is engaging and thought-provoking. The scene effectively introduces complex ethical dilemmas and sets the stage for further exploration of truth and responsibility.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the characters' discussions about the legal case and their differing perspectives on the accident. The scene sets up important conflicts and establishes the stakes for the upcoming legal proceedings.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to legal drama by focusing on the internal struggles and moral dilemmas of the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and the complexity of the emotions add to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their conflicting emotions and motivations add depth to the scene. The interactions between Nicole, Mitchell, and Sam reveal their internal struggles and differing views on truth and responsibility.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo internal changes as they confront the ethical dilemmas and emotional turmoil of the legal case. Their perspectives and motivations evolve, setting the stage for further character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the moral and ethical complexities of the legal situation they are in. This reflects their deeper need for truth and justice, as well as their fear of the consequences of their actions.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to prepare for the legal depositions and navigate the legal process effectively. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts as the characters navigate the ethical dilemmas and emotional turmoil surrounding the legal case. The conflicting perspectives and motivations of the characters create tension and drama.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and moral dilemmas creating obstacles for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters face the legal repercussions of a tragic accident and grapple with questions of truth and responsibility. The outcome of the legal case will have far-reaching consequences for the characters and their relationships.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the conflicts and stakes of the legal case, setting up important plot points for future developments. The characters' discussions and decisions propel the narrative towards the upcoming legal proceedings.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters and the moral ambiguity of the situation they are facing.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the concept of truth and responsibility. Mitchell emphasizes the importance of being truthful and taking responsibility for their actions, while Nicole struggles with the idea of blame and consequences.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions as the characters confront the aftermath of a tragic accident and grapple with questions of truth and responsibility. The emotional depth of the characters and the weight of the situation resonate with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' conflicting perspectives and emotional turmoil. It sets up important conflicts and raises questions about truth and accountability.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict, moral dilemmas, and complex character dynamics that drive the narrative forward.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' dilemmas.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the dialogue and character interactions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a dramatic dialogue-driven scene, effectively building tension and emotional depth.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. It starts with Mitchell and Nicole discussing depositions and lawyers, but it quickly shifts to Mitchell explaining his job as a lawyer and the upcoming depositions. The scene lacks a central conflict or tension that drives the action forward.
  • The dialogue is mostly expositional, with characters explaining the legal process and their roles in it. This makes the scene feel dry and unengaging.
  • The scene does not provide any new information or insights into the characters or the story. It mainly recaps what has already been established in previous scenes.
  • The scene ends abruptly, with Nicole expressing her hatred for her parents without any clear resolution or follow-up.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a clear goal or conflict to the scene. What do the characters want to achieve? What obstacles are they facing? This will give the scene a sense of purpose and direction.
  • Focus on developing the characters and their relationships. The scene could be used to explore Nicole's feelings about the accident, her family, and her future. It could also be used to develop the relationship between Mitchell and Nicole.
  • Use more active language and dynamic dialogue. The scene could benefit from more vivid and engaging dialogue that reveals the characters' thoughts and emotions.
  • Consider ending the scene with a stronger resolution. Nicole's hatred for her parents could be explored further, or it could be used as a catalyst for a change in her relationship with them.



Scene 34 - Sean's Fearful Farewell and Dolores' Uneasy Deposition
EXT. BIDE-A-WILE MOTEL -- MORNING

REPLAY of the scene of SEAN WALKER entering the bus. He
turns around to face his mother.

SEAN




I want to stay with you.

RISA
Go on now. Go on.

SEAN hesitantly turns to face the inside of the bus. He
sees NICOLE BURNELL, who pats the seat beside her.

MASON leaves his place beside NICOLE to make way for SEAN.

NICOLE
C'mon, Sean, sit next to me.

ANGLE ON

DOLORES as she watches SEAN move towards NICOLE.

CUT TO

INT. COMMUNITY CENTRE. -- DAY

DOLORES gives her deposition. A stenographer takes notes.
MITCHELL listens, along with SCHWARTZ, the opposing lawyer.

DOLORES
He never took his eyes off his
mother, even as he moved to sit
beside Nicole. He looked
frightened.

MITCHELL
Why would he be frightened?

DOLORES
I don't know. But it was weird in
terms of what happened next. Sean
was still watching his mother.

DOLORES
I shut the door with one hand, and
released the brake with the other,
and waited for a second for Risa to
cross in front of the bus. There
was a sixteen wheeler behind me, and
I heard his air brakes hiss as the
driver chunked into gear. I looked
into the side view mirror, and saw
him move into line behind me. Then
suddenly Sean shrieked...

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Sean Walker, reluctant to leave his mother Risa, boards a bus and sits next to Nicole Burnell, causing Dolores to feel uncomfortable. The scene then shifts to a community center where Dolores gives a deposition about the incident, recalling Sean's fearful demeanor and the events that followed. The scene ends with Dolores recalling Sean's distressing shriek, adding to the apprehension and unease.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Emotional depth
  • Foreshadowing
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion while setting up a crucial plot point.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a deposition revealing key details about a tragic event is intriguing and sets the stage for further developments.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with Sean's hesitation and Dolores's deposition, foreshadowing a major event.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh dynamics and conflicts within a familiar small-town setting, with authentic character interactions and emotional depth.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show depth and emotion, especially Sean and Dolores.

Character Changes: 7

Sean shows a moment of internal conflict and potential growth by facing his fear of leaving his mother.

Internal Goal: 8

Sean's internal goal is to reconcile his conflicting emotions towards his mother and Nicole. He wants to stay with his mother but also feels drawn to Nicole.

External Goal: 7

Sean's external goal is to navigate the legal proceedings and deal with the aftermath of a traumatic event involving his mother.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is internal conflict for Sean as he hesitates to leave his mother, and external conflict hinted at in Dolores's deposition.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting emotions and moral dilemmas creating obstacles for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Sean hesitates to leave his mother, hinting at potential danger or tragedy.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by setting up key events and revealing important details.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting emotions and the unexpected twists in the legal deposition.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around loyalty and betrayal. Sean is torn between his loyalty to his mother and his attraction to Nicole, leading to internal conflict and moral dilemmas.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, especially with Sean's hesitation and Dolores's reflective deposition.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is effective in conveying the characters' emotions and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity and the mystery surrounding the characters' motivations and actions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a balance of dialogue and descriptive passages that maintain the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to standard screenplay conventions, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic sequence, with clear character motivations and escalating tension.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction. It is unclear what the characters are trying to achieve or what the conflict is.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a way that people do not typically speak.
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened to make it more concise and impactful.
  • The scene does not advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.
  • The scene is not visually interesting and could be made more visually appealing by using different camera angles, lighting, and composition.
Suggestions
  • Give the scene a clear purpose or direction. What are the characters trying to achieve? What is the conflict?
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and realistic. The dialogue should sound like people actually talk.
  • Shorten the scene to make it more concise and impactful. Remove any unnecessary dialogue or action.
  • Add more conflict to the scene. The conflict can be internal or external. Theconflict will help to drive the scene and make it more interesting.
  • Use different camera angles, lighting, and composition to make the scene more visually appealing.



Scene 35 - Sean's Near-Accident and a Tense Deposition
INT. SCHOOL BUS -- MORNING




SEAN leaps to the front of the bus.

SEAN
Mommy!

MITCHELL
(voice over, from
the court chamber)
What happened then?

DOLORES
(voice over)
Sean was all over me, scrambling
across my lap to the window. I
glimpsed Risa off to my left,
leaping out of the way of a red Saab
that seemed to have bolted out of
nowhere.

The scene is horrifying, as SEAN watches his mother just
missing a terrible accident with the speeding vehicle.

DOLORES (CONT'D)
Sean! Sit down! Your Mom's okay!
Now sit down!

SEAN sits back down beside NICOLE. DOLORES slides open her
window, and speaks to RISA.
DOLORES (CONT'D)
You get his number?

RISA is stunned.

DOLORES (CONT'D)
(voice over)
She was shaken, standing there with
her arms wrapped around herself.

DOLORES
She shook her head, turned away, and
walked slowly back to the office. I
drew a couple of breaths and checked
Sean, who was seated now but still
craning and looking after his
mother.

CUT TO

INT. COMMUNITY CENTRE. -- DAY

The deposition continues.

DOLORES




I smiled at him, but he only glared
back at me, as if I was to blame.

CUT TO

EXT. SCHOOL BUS -- MORNING

AERIAL VIEW of the bus as it makes its way through the
mountains. NICOLE'S voice is heard reading The Pied Piper
from the scene with the ANSEL children.

NICOLE
(voice over)
For he led us, he said, to a joyous
land,
Joining the town and just at hand,
Where waters gushed and fruit-trees
grew,
And flowers put forth a fairer hue,
And everything was strange and
new...

CUT TO

INT. SCHOOL BUS -- DAY

A montage showing the faces of the various children in the
bus. These images are intercut with DOLORES'S deposition.

CUT TO

INT. COMMUNITY CENTRE. -- DAY

The deposition. DOLORES is trying to control her emotions.

DOLORES
I remember wrenching the steering
wheel to the right and slapping my
foot against the brake petal. I
wasn't the driver anymore.

DOLORES
The bus was like this huge wave
about to break over us. Bear Otto,
the Lambston kids, the Hamiltons,
the Prescotts, the teenaged boys and
girls from Bartlett Hill, Sean,
Nicole Burnell, Billy Ansel's twins,
Jessica and Mason...all the children
of my town.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In this morning school bus scene, Sean leaps to the front after witnessing his mother's near-accident with a speeding vehicle. Dolores checks on Sean, and Risa, who is shaken, walks back to the office. Nicole reads to the children on the bus as the scene transitions to a community center for a deposition. Dolores is blamed for the near-accident, causing tension. The scene ends with Nicole reading The Pied Piper on the bus, providing a sense of relief.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Complex characters
  • Intricate storytelling
Weaknesses
  • Possible pacing issues in transitioning between perspectives

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight of the tragedy while advancing the plot and developing the characters. The intricate storytelling and impactful dialogue contribute to a compelling narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the aftermath of a bus accident from various viewpoints is engaging and allows for a deep dive into the characters' emotions and motivations.

Plot: 9

The plot unfolds seamlessly, blending past events with present actions to create a layered narrative that keeps the audience engaged. The conflict and stakes are high, driving the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to exploring themes of responsibility, guilt, and community bonds. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their interactions reveal layers of complexity and emotion. Each character's unique perspective adds depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo emotional transformations throughout the scene, grappling with guilt, grief, and the search for justice. These changes add depth to their arcs and drive the narrative forward.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect and reassure her son, Sean, while also dealing with her own emotions and fears. This reflects her deeper need for stability and safety for her family.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to handle the aftermath of the near-accident involving her son and the red Saab. She needs to ensure the safety and well-being of everyone involved.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between characters, their internal struggles, and the external circumstances surrounding the bus accident create a tense and gripping atmosphere, driving the scene forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing internal and external challenges that add complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the bus accident, the legal implications, and the emotional turmoil faced by the characters heighten the tension and drama of the scene, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by revealing key information, advancing character arcs, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions. It propels the narrative towards its climax.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected events, such as the near-accident and the protagonist's internal conflict.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's sense of responsibility and guilt. She feels blamed by her son and struggles with the weight of protecting the children in her town.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, eliciting feelings of sadness, fear, and empathy for the characters' plight. The emotional depth adds layers to the storytelling.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is poignant and realistic, capturing the characters' inner turmoil and external conflicts effectively. It enhances the emotional impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional moments, the suspense surrounding the near-accident, and the complex relationships between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing intense moments with introspective pauses, creating a sense of tension and emotional depth.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear progression of events and a focus on character development.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or goal. It seems to be a collection of events without a driving force.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a way that people do not typically speak.
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened without losing any important information.
  • The scene is repetitive. The same information is repeated multiple times.
  • The scene is confusing. It is difficult to follow what is happening and why.
Suggestions
  • Give the scene a clear purpose or goal. What do you want to achieve with this scene?
  • Rewrite the dialogue so that it sounds more natural. People should speak in a way that is believable.
  • Shorten the scene by cutting out any unnecessary information.
  • Avoid repeating the same information multiple times.
  • Make sure the scene is clear and easy to follow. The reader should be able to understand what is happening and why.



Scene 36 - Anxiety and Avoidance: The Approaching Visit of Billy Ansel
INT. BURNELL HOME -- NIGHT




SAM and JENNY are watching television. Lumberjack log-
rolling.

NICOLE, in her wheelchair, is reading a book off to one
corner. MARY comes into the room.

MARY
That was Billy Ansel on the phone.
He wants to come over to talk to us.
SAM
Did he say what about?

MARY
No.

SAM
Was he drinking? Could you tell?

MARY
Jenny, it's time for you to go to
bed.

JENNY
Mom...

SAM
Come on, Jen. I let you watch your
nature show.

JENNY reluctantly kisses her father goodnight, then NICOLE.
As she leaves the room, MARY starts clearing the table.

SAM (CONT'D)
Is he coming over now? Right away?

MARY
That's what he said.

SAM is anxious. He looks over to NICOLE.

SAM
What are you up to, Nicole?

NICOLE
Nothing.

SAM
Nothing good on your T.V.?

NICOLE
As opposed to this T.V.?




NICOLE stares at SAM.
NICOLE (CONT'D)
Besides, I'd like to see Billy.

NICOLE stares at the television.

ANGLE ON

On the television screen, an image of a studio audience
applauding. The image is silent. The T.V. is on MUTE.

NICOLE (CONT'D)
(voice over)
That wasn't true. I didn't want to
be seen by anyone whose kids had
been killed by the accident.
Especially not Billy Ansel.

NICOLE turns her attention back to her parents.

NICOLE (CONT'D)
Actually, now that I think about it,
I'd just as soon stay in my room.

NICOLE shoves her wheelchair towards her room, as the camera
remains on her face.

NICOLE (CONT'D)
(voice over)
I remembered all the times I had
tucked Jessica and Mason into bed.
How they loved to have me read to
them before they slept. There was
nothing for me to say to Billy,
except I'm sorry. I'm sorry that
your children died when my parent's
children didn't.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In the Burnell home, Sam, Jenny, and Nicole spend their evening in different activities until Mary announces Billy Ansel's plan to visit. Sam becomes anxious, Jenny retires to bed, and Nicole, after initially showing interest, decides to avoid Billy due to her guilt from the accident that killed his children. The scene concludes with Nicole retreating to her room, leaving the others to wait for Billy's arrival. The atmosphere is tense and emotionally charged, with key dialogue highlighting the characters' unease.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Authentic character emotions
  • Compelling themes
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Slow pacing

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight of the situation and sets up further conflict and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the aftermath of a tragic accident and the emotional turmoil of the characters is compelling and engaging.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the characters' interactions and emotional revelations, setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene explores themes of guilt, grief, and survivor's guilt in a unique and introspective way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and emotionally resonant.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions feel authentic, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional changes and revelations, particularly in terms of confronting their feelings of guilt and remorse.

Internal Goal: 8

Nicole's internal goal is to confront her guilt and grief over the accident that killed Billy Ansel's children. She struggles with the weight of survivor's guilt and the desire to apologize.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the awkward situation of Billy Ansel wanting to talk to her family. She is unsure of how to handle the conversation and her emotions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict is more internal and emotional rather than external, focusing on the characters' inner struggles and relationships.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Nicole facing the emotional challenge of confronting her guilt and grief. The uncertainty of the conversation with Billy Ansel adds tension and conflict.

High Stakes: 8

The emotional stakes are high as the characters grapple with their roles in the tragic accident and the impact it has had on their lives.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene doesn't have significant plot developments, it sets the stage for future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the emotional complexity of the characters and the uncertainty of how the conversation with Billy Ansel will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is evident in Nicole's internal struggle with survivor's guilt and the fear of facing the consequences of the accident. It challenges her beliefs about responsibility and forgiveness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions of sadness, guilt, and remorse, resonating with the audience on a deep level.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and inner conflicts, enhancing the overall impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters and the tension in the interactions. The audience is drawn into the characters' internal struggles and conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions are concise and effective.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a domestic drama, with clear character interactions and emotional beats. The pacing and dialogue flow naturally, contributing to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The dialogue in this scene is stiff and unnatural. It doesn't feel like real people talking to each other.
  • The scene doesn't have a clear goal or purpose. It's just a bunch of characters talking about things that don't seem to matter.
  • The characters are not well-developed. We don't know anything about them or their motivations.
  • The scene is too long and drawn out. It could be cut in half and still get the same point across.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. It leaves the reader feeling like they've wasted their time.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue so that it sounds more natural and realistic.
  • Give the scene a clear goal or purpose. What do you want to accomplish with this scene?
  • Develop the characters more. Give them clear motivations and backstories.
  • Cut the scene in half. Remove any unnecessary dialogue or action.
  • Rewrite the ending of the scene so that it is more satisfying and leaves the reader with a sense of closure.



Scene 37 - Billy's Plea to Sam: A Desperate Attempt to Avoid Legal Consequences
EXT. BURNELL HOME -- NIGHT

BILLY pulls up to the BURNELL home. He gets out of his pick
up and approaches the house.

CUT TO

INT. BURNELL HOME -- NIGHT

From her room, NICOLE watches as BILLY approaches the house.
He leaves her view as a knock is heard at the door. NICOLE
wheels over to the door and presses her ear to the door so
that she can hear the conversation.

CUT TO

INT. BURNELL HOME. KITCHEN. -- NIGHT

SAM
Hey, Billy! What brings you out on
a night like this? C'mon in. Take
a load off.

MARY
Would you like a cup of tea, Billy?
There's a piece of cake left.

BILLY
No. No, thanks, Mary.

CUT TO

INT. BURNELL HOME. KITCHEN/LIVINGROOM -- NIGHT

SAM leads BILLY into the livingroom.

SAM
So what brings you out tonight?

BILLY
Well, Sam, I might as well tell you
the truth. It's this lawsuit you've
gotten yourself all involved with.
I want you to drop the damned thing.

Pause.

SAM
I don't see how that concerns you,
Billy.

BILLY
It does concern me.

SAM
Well, I don't know why it should.
There's a whole lot of people in
town involved with lawsuits. We're
hardly unique here, Billy. I mean,
I can understand how you feel.

BILLY
How?




SAM
Well, it being so depressing and
all. But it's reality. You can't
just turn this off because you
happen to think it's a bad idea.

BILLY
Why not?

SAM
Because it's what we have to do.

BILLY
Well I don't want a damned thing to
do with it.

SAM
Okay, fine. So...stay out of it.

Pause. BILLY stares at SAM. Tension.

BILLY
I've tried to stay out of it. But
it turns out that's not so easy,
Sam. You've gone and got yourself
this lawyer. Mitchell Stephens.
You and Risa and Wendell and the
Ottos.

SAM
So? I mean, lot's of folks have got
lawyers.

BILLY
But yours is the one who's going to
subpoena me, Sam. Force me to
testify in court. He came by the
garage this afternoon. Gave me this
piece of paper.
BILLY reaches into his pocket and shows the paper to SAM.

MARY
Why would he do that? You didn't
have anything to do with the
accident.

BILLY
Because I was driving behind the
bus, Mary. Because I saw it. I saw
it happen...

BILLY is harrowed by this image. SAM and MARY stare at him,
frightened by his intensity.




BILLY (CONT'D)
If that bastard does subpoena me, if
he forces me to go over this again,
then all those other lawyers will
line up behind him and try and do
the same thing.

SAM
That won't happen, Billy. Mitch
Stephens' case is small, compared to
some of those other guys. The way
he told me, all he needs is for you
to say what you saw that day,
driving behind the bus. I know it's
a painful thing to do, but it'll
only take a few minutes of your
time. That'll be the end of it.

BILLY
That's wrong, Sam. You know that.
We'll be tangled up in this thing
for the next five years. This is
never going to go away...

SAM
C'mon, you know that won't...

BILLY
We've got lawyers suing lawyers
because some people were stupid
enough to sign on with more than one
of the bastards. We've got people
pointing fingers, making side deals,
and dickering over percentages.
Yesterday, I heard somebody wants to
sue the rescue squad. The rescue
squad. Because they didn't act fast
enough.

ANGLE ON

NICOLE listening from her door.

BILLY (CONT'D)
If you two dropped the case, then
the others would come to their
senses

BILLY
and follow. You're good sensible
parents, you and Mary. People
respect you.




Pause.

SAM
No, Billy. We can't drop the
lawsuit. You know how much we need
the money.

BILLY
Why? You got money from Dolores'
insurance with the school board. We
all did.

SAM
It's not enough. For hospital
bills. For Nicole.

BILLY
I'll help pay for Nicole, if that's
what you're really talking about.
I'll even give you the money I got
for my kids.
(beat)
That's what we used to do, remember?
Help each other. This was a
community.

SAM
I'm sorry.

BILLY stares at SAM.

BILLY
I used to like it here. I used to
care about what happened. Now I
think I'll sell my house and move
the fuck away.

MARY
Billy, please. The children.

BILLY
The children.

BILLY looks at SAM and MARY, s strange smile on his face.
He moves to leave. He pauses at the door of the kitchen.

BILLY (CONT'D)
How is Nicole? Is she around?

MARY
She's resting. In her room.

BILLY
Say hello for me.




CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Billy visits the Burnell home at night to ask Sam to drop the lawsuit against him for the accident involving Nicole. Sam and Mary express their financial struggles, but Billy offers to help pay for Nicole's care. However, Billy's desire to sell his house and move away adds to the tension, ultimately ending the scene with a sense of finality and resolution.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Limited physical action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the tension and emotional weight of the situation, drawing the audience in with its raw and authentic portrayal of the characters' struggles.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on the confrontation between Billy and Sam regarding the lawsuit and its implications, is well-executed and drives the narrative forward.

Plot: 9

The plot development in this scene is crucial as it reveals the conflicting motivations and emotions of the characters, setting the stage for further conflict and resolution.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar theme of small-town conflicts and interpersonal relationships. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic, adding depth and complexity to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The scene showcases the internal struggles and evolving dynamics of the characters, particularly Billy and Sam, as they confront their conflicting emotions and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

Billy's internal goal is to protect himself from being involved in the lawsuit and to distance himself from the community's problems. This reflects his fear of being dragged into a situation he wants no part of and his desire to escape the town's troubles.

External Goal: 7

Billy's external goal is to convince Sam and Mary to drop the lawsuit. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in trying to avoid being subpoenaed and testify in court.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Billy and Sam regarding the lawsuit and their differing views on how to handle the situation creates a tense and emotionally charged atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations between the characters that create tension and uncertainty about the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the lawsuit, the emotional impact on the characters, and the personal relationships at risk heighten the tension and drama of the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing key information about the lawsuit, the characters' motivations, and the emotional stakes involved.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters and the unexpected revelations about their motivations and actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Billy's desire to distance himself from the lawsuit and the community's need for the money. This challenges Billy's values of individualism and self-preservation against the community's values of unity and support.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly sadness, anxiety, and resentment, as the characters grapple with the aftermath of the accident and the legal implications.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and reveals the inner turmoil of the characters, driving the emotional intensity of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high emotional stakes, tense dialogue, and complex character relationships. The conflict between the characters keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense through well-timed dialogue and character interactions. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings and clear descriptions of locations and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-paced dialogue that advances the plot and reveals character motivations.


Critique
  • The scene is well-written with clear conflicts and character motivations, but it could benefit from more visual and sensory details to bring the setting and characters to life.
  • The dialogue is natural and engaging, but there are moments where it feels like the characters are stating the obvious or repeating themselves.
  • The tension between Billy and Sam is palpable, but the scene could benefit from more subtlety and nuance in their interactions.
  • The scene could benefit from more exploration of Nicole's perspective and reaction to Billy's visit, as she is a central character in the story.
Suggestions
  • Add more sensory details to the scene, such as the smell of Billy's pickup truck, the sound of the wind outside, or the texture of the cake on the plate.
  • Trim some of the repetitive dialogue and focus on the essential conflicts and character motivations.
  • Explore the tension between Billy and Sam through more subtle body language and facial expressions, rather than relying solely on dialogue.
  • Consider adding a brief moment where Nicole interacts with Billy or reacts to his presence, to deepen the emotional impact of the scene.



Scene 38 - Nicole's Disappointment and Frustration
EXT. BURNELL HOME -- NIGHT

BILLY walks to his car. SAM and MARY watch him from the
porch/ramp.

SAM
(calling out)
We're getting on with our lives,
Billy. Maybe it's time you got on
with yours.
BILLY turns around, looks at SAM one final time, then moves
to his pick up.

CUT TO

INT. BURNELL HOME -- NIGHT

NICOLE is watching BILLY from her window. She is crying.

ANGLE ON

NICOLE'S P.O.V. of BILLY driving away.

CUT TO

INT. BURNELL HOME. NICOLE'S BEDROOM. -- NIGHT

NICOLE is lying in her bed. A knock at the door. SAM
enters the dark bedroom and sits on the bed beside her.

SAM
Are you sleeping?

NICOLE
No.

SAM
Nicole, tomorrow Mr. Stephens wants
you to make your deposition at the
courthouse. I thought I'd take you
over.

NICOLE
Great.

SAM
You seem...I don't know...well,
distant, I guess. Hard to talk to.

NICOLE




We used to talk a lot, didn't we,
Daddy. About all the things you
were going to do for me.

SAM
What do you mean?

NICOLE
I mean I'm a wheelchair girl now.
It's hard to pretend I'm a beautiful
rock star. Not like you used to
tell me. Remember, Daddy? All the
people that were going to discover
me? Where are they now?

SAM turns away from NICOLE.

NICOLE (CONT'D)
(voice over)
He couldn't look at me. But I
looked at him. Right at him. His
secret was mine now. We used to
share it. But not anymore. Now, I
owned it completely.

SAM
Well, okay. I'll take you about
nine-thirty in the morning. That's
okay with you?

NICOLE
Great.

Silence. SAM gets up to leave the room.

NICOLE (CONT'D)
(voice over)
Before, everything had been so
confusing. I never knew who was to
blame. But now I know. He's just a
thief, a sneaky thief who had robbed
his daughter. Robbed me
of...whatever it was that my sister
still had and I didn't. And then
the accident robbed me of my body.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Billy leaves the Burnell home after being told to move on by Sam. Nicole, watching him go, is upset and emotional. Inside, Sam informs Nicole of their plans to go to the courthouse the next day for her deposition. Nicole confronts Sam about his broken promises and her disability, causing Sam to turn away. The scene ends with Nicole acknowledging Sam's broken promises and Sam getting up to leave her room. The main conflict lies in Nicole's frustration with Sam's broken promises and her own disability, creating a tense and emotional atmosphere.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Poignant dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Pacing could be slow for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and complex relationships of the characters, drawing the audience into their inner worlds. The dialogue is powerful and the themes are thought-provoking, creating a compelling narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the aftermath of a tragic accident and the impact it has on the characters is well-executed. The scene delves into themes of guilt, loss, and betrayal, providing a deep and emotional exploration of the characters' inner struggles.

Plot: 8

The plot focuses on the emotional journey of Nicole as she grapples with her new reality and the betrayal she feels from her father. The scene moves the story forward by delving into the characters' emotional arcs and setting up conflicts that will unfold in future scenes.

Originality: 7

The scene explores familiar themes of family dynamics and personal trauma in a fresh and authentic way. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotional struggles are portrayed with depth and authenticity. Nicole's internal conflict and resentment towards her father are particularly compelling, adding layers to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Nicole undergoes a significant emotional transformation in the scene, moving from confusion and resentment towards her father to a clearer understanding of her own feelings and the betrayal she feels. This character change sets up future developments in the narrative.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with her physical disability and the emotional betrayal she feels from her father. This reflects her deeper need for acceptance, understanding, and closure.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to prepare for her deposition at the courthouse the next day. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in dealing with legal proceedings and confronting her past.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Nicole grapples with her new reality and the betrayal she feels from her father. The emotional tension between the characters adds depth to the narrative and sets up future conflicts.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with emotional conflicts and unresolved tensions between the characters that create obstacles and challenges for the protagonist to overcome.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for the characters, particularly Nicole, as she grapples with her new reality and the betrayal she feels from her father. The emotional turmoil and internal conflicts add intensity to the scene, raising the stakes for the characters involved.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by delving into the characters' emotional arcs and setting up conflicts that will unfold in future scenes. It deepens the audience's understanding of the characters and their relationships, adding layers to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the underlying tensions and unresolved conflicts between the characters, leaving the audience unsure of how the relationships will evolve.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the protagonist's struggle with her identity and self-worth in the face of her disability and her father's betrayal. This challenges her beliefs about family, trust, and personal agency.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, regret, and anger in the audience. The raw and poignant portrayal of the characters' emotional struggles resonates deeply, creating a powerful and moving experience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is poignant and raw, effectively conveying the emotional turmoil of the characters. It reveals their inner thoughts and feelings, adding depth to the scene and creating a sense of intimacy with the audience.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, subtle character dynamics, and unresolved conflicts that keep the audience invested in the characters' journeys.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing emotional moments with narrative progression, creating a rhythm that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journeys.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting that enhances readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-paced dialogue that drives the emotional arc of the characters.


Critique
  • The scene is missing a clear beginning. It starts with Billy walking to his car, and the audience is left to infer what happened before. This can be confusing and disorienting.
  • The dialogue is wooden and unnatural. The characters speak in a way that is not believable. For example, Sam's line, "We're getting on with our lives, Billy. Maybe it's time you got on with yours." is too formal and stilted.
  • The scene lacks conflict. Billy visits the Burnell home to ask Sam to drop the lawsuit, but there is no real tension or drama. The conversation is polite and respectful, and it ends with Billy agreeing to sell his house and move away.
  • The scene is too long. It drags on for several minutes without anything significant happening. This can be tedious for the audience and it can make the scene feel boring.
  • The ending of the scene is weak. Nicole's monologue about her father being a thief is melodramatic and over the top. It also doesn't really fit with the rest of the scene.
  • The scene is emotionally manipulative. It tries to elicit sympathy for Nicole by showing her crying and talking about how she has been robbed of her body. However, this tactic is cheap and it doesn't make the audience care about Nicole any more than they did before.
  • The scene is unnecessary. It doesn't add anything to the story and it could be cut without losing anything important.
  • The scene is too slow paced. The action could be sped up and the dialogue could be shortened to make the scene more engaging.
  • The scene is too predictable. The audience can guess what is going to happen next, which makes the scene less suspenseful.
  • The scene is too obvious. The characters' motives are too clear and there is no mystery or intrigue.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a stronger hook. This could be a dramatic event, a surprising revelation, or simply a more engaging conversation.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Add conflict to the scene. This could be a disagreement between the characters, a physical threat, or even a moral dilemma.
  • Shorten the scene and focus on the essential elements. This will make the scene more impactful and less tedious.
  • Rewrite the ending of the scene to make it more satisfying. This could involve changing the outcome of the conversation or adding a new twist.
  • Avoid using emotionally manipulative tactics. Instead, focus on creating characters that the audience can relate to and care about.
  • Consider cutting the scene altogether if it is not essential to the story.
  • Speed up the pace of the scene by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • Make the scene less predictable by adding some surprises or twists.
  • Add some mystery or intrigue to the scene to keep the audience guessing.



Scene 39 - Nicole's Surprising Testimony in Bus Accident Case
INT. CAR -- DAY

SAM and NICOLE are driving to town. They don't exchange a
word.

CUT TO
EXT. COMMUNITY CENTRE. -- DAY

SAM is carrying NICOLE up the stairs of the community
centre.

There is no ramp, so the wheelchair is left at the bottom.

He is having difficulty, because NICOLE is keeping her body
stiff and won't hold on to him.

CUT TO

INT. COMMUNITY CENTRE. -- DAY

NICOLE is wheeled across the floor of the community centre
to a table where the depositions are being made. MITCHELL,
SCHWARTZ, and the STENOGRAPHER are waiting for her.

NICOLE
(voice over)
The last time I was in the community
hall was for the big Christmas party
almost a year ago. It hadn't
changed.

CUT TO

INT. COMMUNITY CENTRE. -- DAY

The deposition. SAM watches his daughter as she speaks
confidently into the microphone. The STENOGRAPHER takes
notes.

NICOLE is answering questions from the opposing lawyer.
MITCHELL is also taking notes.

SCHWARTZ
Now on that morning, did there come
a time, Nicole, when you left your
parents' house?

NICOLE
Yes.

SCHWARTZ
What time in the morning was this?
NICOLE
About eight-thirty in the morning.

SCHWARTZ
Was anyone waiting for the bus with
you?




NICOLE
No. I was alone. My sister Jenny
was sick and stayed home that day.

SCHWARTZ
Was there anything unusual about the
driver, Dolores Driscoll, or the bus
that particular morning?

NICOLE
Like what? I mean, I don't remember
a lot.

ANGLE ON MITCHELL

MITCHELL
I object to the form of that
question. Note that.

SCHWARTZ
Was the bus on time?

NICOLE
Yes.

SCHWARTZ
And where did you sit that morning?

NICOLE
My usual place. On the right side.
The first seat.

SCHWARTZ
And according to your recollection,
there was nothing unusual about the
drive that morning?

NICOLE
Until the accident? No.
(beat)
Yes, there was.

ANGLE ON MITCHELL

Worried about this new information.

NICOLE (CONT'D)
It was when Sean Walker got on. He
was crying and didn't want to leave
his mother. Mason Ansel was sitting
beside me. I asked him to move, so
I could quiet Sean down. When the
bus started up, a car came around




the corner and almost hit Sean's
mother. She was okay, but it really
scared Sean, because he watched it
out the window.

SCHWARTZ
And was this incident caused in any
way by anything the driver of the
bus did?

Pause. MITCHELL is nervous.

NICOLE
No, she hadn't even started to move
the bus. It was the car's fault.

MITCHELL is relieved.

SCHWARTZ
There was nothing reckless in Mrs.
Driscoll's behavior?

MITCHELL
I object to that form of question.
Note that.

NICOLE
(answering the
question)
No.
SCHWARTZ
Did there come a time when all the
children had been picked up?

NICOLE
Yes.

SCHWARTZ
You remember that much?

NICOLE
As I'm talking, I'm remembering more
about it.

MITCHELL is worried.

MITCHELL
Note my objection. She said, 'As
I'm talking.'

SCHWARTZ
Did there come a time when the bus
turned off Staples Mill Road onto




the Marlowe Road at what's called
Wilmot Springs?

NICOLE
Yes.

NICOLE
There was a brown dog that ran
across the road up there, right by
the dump, and Dolores slowed down
not to hit him, and he ran into the
woods. And then Dolores drove on
and turned onto the Marlowe road, as
usual. I remember that. I'm
remembering it pretty clearly.

SCHWARTZ
(eyebrows raised)
You are?

NICOLE
Yes.

MITCHELL
(worried)
Note that she said 'pretty clearly'.
Not 'clearly'.

SCHWARTZ
And what was the weather like at
this time?

NICOLE
It was snowing.

MITCHELL
Unless the report from the National
Weather Bureau for the district on
January 23 goes into the record, I
will object to that question.

SCHWARTZ
I will offer that report. Well,
then, now that your memory seems to
be clearing, can you tell us what
else you observed at that time?

NICOLE
Before the actual accident?

SCHWARTZ
Yes.

NICOLE stares at her father as she responds.




NICOLE
I was scared.

SCHWARTZ
Why were you scared?

SCHWARTZ
This is before the accident, Nicole.
Do you understand what I'm asking?

NICOLE
Yes, I understand.

SCHWARTZ
Why were you scared?

NICOLE
Dolores was driving too fast.

Silence. MITCHELL is watching his entire case crumble.

SCHWARTZ
Mrs. Driscoll was driving too fast?
What made you think that, Nicole?

NICOLE
The speedometer. And it was
downhill there.

SCHWARTZ
You could see the speedometer?

NICOLE
Yes. I looked. I remember clearly
now. It seemed we were going too
fast down the hill. I was scared.

NICOLE looks at MITCHELL, who stares back.

SCHWARTZ
How fast would you say Mrs. Driscoll
was going? To the best of your
recollection?

NICOLE
Seventy-two miles an hour.

SCHWARTZ
Seventy-two miles an hour? You're
sure of this?

NICOLE
Positive.




SCHWARTZ
You believe that the bus driven by
Mrs. Driscoll was going at seventy-
two miles an hour at this time?

NICOLE
I told you I was positive. The
speedometer was large and easy to
see from where I was.

ANGLE ON

The speedometer from NICOLE'S P.O.V. It reads fifty-one
miles an hour.

SCHWARTZ
(voice over)
You saw the speedometer?

NICOLE
Yes.

SCHWARTZ
Did you say anything to Mrs.
Driscoll?

NICOLE
No.

SCHWARTZ
Why not?

NICOLE
I was scared. And there wasn't
time.

SCHWARTZ
There wasn't time?

NICOLE
No. Because the bus went off the
road. And crashed.

SCHWARTZ
You remember this?

NICOLE
Yes. I do now. Now that I'm
telling it.

MITCHELL
(defeated)
She said, 'Now that I'm telling it'.
Note that.

SCHWARTZ
What do you remember about the
accident?

NICOLE
I remember the bus swerved, it just
suddenly swerved to the right, and
it hit the guardrail and the
snowbank on the side of the road,
and then it went over the embankment
there, and everyone was screaming
and everything. And that's all. I
guess I was unconscious after that.
That's all. Then I was in the
hospital.

SCHWARTZ smiles and makes some notes in his pad. He talks
to MITCHELL without looking up.

SCHWARTZ
Do you have any questions, Mr.
Stephens?

MITCHELL stares silently at NICOLE for a long time.

NICOLE
(voice over)
Daddy was leaning forward in his
chair, his mouth half open, as if he
wanted to say something. Like what,
Daddy? Like 'What about my money?'

NICOLE and SAM stare at each other.

MITCHELL
I have no questions.

SCHWARTZ
Thank you, Nicole.

NICOLE wheels herself away. She passes MITCHELL.

MITCHELL
(in a low voice)
You'd make a great poker player,
kid.

NICOLE wheels herself over to her father.

NICOLE
Let's go, Daddy.
Genres: ["Drama","Legal"]

Summary Sam and his daughter Nicole, along with their lawyers Mitchell and Schwartz, arrive at the community center for Nicole's deposition in a bus accident case. Sam carries Nicole up the stairs as she remains uncooperative. During the deposition, Nicole reveals new information about the bus driver's speed and route, contradicting Sam's case. The scene is tense and emotional, with significant visual elements including Sam's struggle to carry Nicole, Nicole's confident demeanor, and Mitchell's growing concern. The scene ends with Nicole finishing her testimony and Schwartz asking Sam if he has any questions, to which he responds that he has none.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive objections in the dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, emotional, and pivotal in the storyline, providing crucial information and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the deposition and the revelation of key details about the accident is well-executed and essential to the plot.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the deposition scene, revealing important details and escalating the conflict.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its nuanced portrayal of legal proceedings, family dynamics, and moral ambiguity. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the familiar courtroom drama setting.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their emotions are palpable, especially Nicole and Mitchell.

Character Changes: 8

Nicole's testimony and Mitchell's reaction showcase character development and internal conflict.

Internal Goal: 8

Nicole's internal goal in this scene is to recount the details of the bus accident truthfully and confront her father's motivations for the deposition. This reflects her need for justice, her fear of being manipulated, and her desire to protect herself and her version of events.

External Goal: 7

Nicole's external goal in this scene is to provide accurate testimony during the deposition and defend her version of events. This reflects the immediate challenge of facing legal scrutiny and potential manipulation from the opposing lawyer.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Nicole's testimony and Mitchell's case creates high tension and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Nicole facing challenging questions from the opposing lawyer and potential manipulation from her father. The audience is kept on edge as they wonder how Nicole will navigate these obstacles.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Nicole's testimony could impact the outcome of the legal case and the characters' lives.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by providing crucial information and escalating the conflict.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelations and twists in Nicole's testimony, as well as the shifting dynamics between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between truth and manipulation. Nicole's desire for justice and honesty is challenged by the opposing lawyer's tactics to undermine her credibility and her father's potential ulterior motives.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly as Nicole reveals her fear and observations leading up to the accident.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and realistic, reflecting the emotions and dynamics between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional intensity, and moral dilemmas faced by the characters. The tension between truth and manipulation keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, allowing for moments of reflection and emotional impact to resonate with the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a legal deposition scene, with clear transitions between locations and a focus on dialogue-driven interactions.


Critique
  • The dialogue in this scene is very expository, and the characters discuss points that the audience could infer just from watching the scene. For example, Nicole tells Sam that she was scared because Dolores was driving too fast, but the audience can see that Nicole is scared by her body language and the look on her face. Similarly, Mitchell tells Nicole that she would be a great poker player because she's hiding her emotions, but the audience can see this for themselves.
  • The scene is very long, and it could be shortened by cutting some of the unnecessary dialogue. For example, the conversation between Schwartz and Nicole about whether or not she said anything to Dolores could be cut.
  • The scene is very focused on Nicole's deposition, and it doesn't give the audience much insight into the other characters' reactions to the proceedings. It would be helpful to see more of Sam's and Mitchell's reactions to Nicole's testimony.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt, and it doesn't give the audience a sense of closure. It would be helpful to see how Nicole and Sam feel after the deposition is over.
Suggestions
  • Add more subtext to the dialogue. For example, Nicole could tell Sam that she was scared because she was worried about her friends, or Mitchell could tell Nicole that she would be a great poker player because she's tough and resilient.
  • Cut some of the unnecessary dialogue. For example, the conversation between Schwartz and Nicole about whether or not she said anything to Dolores could be cut.
  • Give the audience more insight into the other characters' reactions to the proceedings. For example, show Sam and Mitchell talking about Nicole's testimony, or show them comforting her after the deposition is over.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending. For example, show Nicole and Sam talking about what they're going to do next, or show them walking out of the community centre and into the sunlight.



Scene 40 - The Community Center Argument
EXT. COMMUNITY CENTRE -- DAY

NICOLE is in the car in front of the community centre. She
stares at SAM as he argues with MITCHELL on the steps.

NICOLE
(voice over)
Daddy took a long time. I guess he
wanted to have a few words with you.
He must have tried to tell you that
I was lying. Then you would tell
Daddy that it didn't matter if I was
lying or not, the lawsuit is dead.

As NICOLE'S words are heard, her point of view of SAM and
MITCHELL arguing is seen.

The movement of their lips is in sync with NICOLE'S voice
over.

NICOLE (CONT'D)
(voice over)
Everyone's lawsuit is dead. Forget
it. Tell the others to forget it.
It's over. Right now, Sam, the
thing you've got to worry about is
why she lied. A kid who'd do that
to her own father is not normal,
Sam.

SAM comes down the stairs and enters the car, sitting down
at the driver's seat. NICOLE stares at him as he starts the
car.

NICOLE (CONT'D)
(voice over)
But Daddy knows who lied. He knows
who the liar is. He knows who's
normal.

SAM stares ahead, not knowing what to do next.

NICOLE (CONT'D)
(speaking to SAM)
I hope he lets us keep the computer.

SAM turns to look at NICOLE.

NICOLE (CONT'D)
I'd like an ice cream.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Nicole, wheelchair-bound, waits in the car while her father, Sam, argues with Mitchell outside the community center. Through voiceover, Nicole expresses her hopes of keeping the computer and getting ice cream, urging her father to forget about the lawsuit and focus on why Mitchell lied. The scene is tense due to the argument, but Nicole's calmness and reflection provide a sense of calm. The scene ends with Sam looking at Nicole, who asks him about their chances of keeping the computer and getting ice cream.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-building
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel repetitive

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion through the interactions between characters, setting up a compelling conflict and resolution.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of uncovering lies and facing consequences is well-executed, driving the narrative forward and engaging the audience.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the revelation of lies, leading to a pivotal moment in the characters' relationships and the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on family drama, exploring themes of truth and betrayal in a unique way. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their internal conflicts are palpable, adding depth to the scene and driving the emotional impact.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant emotional changes, particularly in their relationships and perceptions of truth, adding complexity to the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Nicole's internal goal is to understand the truth behind the lies and deceit within her family. She is grappling with the idea of betrayal and trying to make sense of the situation.

External Goal: 7

Nicole's external goal is to navigate the fallout of the lawsuit and the family drama surrounding it. She also expresses a desire for an ice cream, indicating a moment of normalcy amidst the chaos.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between characters is intense and multi-layered, adding depth to the scene and driving the emotional stakes.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs and values driving the conflict between the characters. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the tension.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as characters grapple with personal truths, legal consequences, and emotional turmoil, adding tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing crucial information, deepening character relationships, and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters and the revelation of hidden truths. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the concept of truth and deception within a family. Nicole questions the idea of normalcy and loyalty, challenging Sam's beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience through its exploration of personal struggles, deception, and familial dynamics.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, enhancing the tension and drama of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict between the characters and the suspense surrounding the truth behind the lies. The use of voiceovers adds depth to the scene.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, allowing for moments of reflection and emotional impact. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to industry standards, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The use of voiceovers adds a unique element to the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic confrontation, with clear character motivations and emotional beats. The dialogue and actions flow naturally, contributing to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. It is unclear what the characters are trying to achieve or what conflict they are facing.
  • The dialogue is repetitive and lacks depth. The characters simply restate what has already been said without adding any new information or insights.
  • The overuse of voiceover narration makes the scene feel disjointed and takes away from the emotional impact of the moment.
  • The scene lacks visual interest and action. The characters are mostly sitting in a car, talking, which makes it difficult for the audience to engage with the material.
Suggestions
  • Give the scene a clear purpose and conflict. What do the characters want? What are they trying to achieve? What obstacles are they facing?
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging. Avoid repeating information and instead focus on revealing new insights and emotions.
  • Use voiceover narration sparingly and only when it is absolutely necessary to convey important information or provide a unique perspective.
  • Add more visual interest and action to the scene. Have the characters move around, interact with their surroundings, and engage in physical activities.



Scene 41 - Reunion at the Airport and a Day at the Fairground
INT. AIRPORT. -- MORNING

MITCHELL is at the baggage section of the arrival area,
waiting for his luggage.

He watches PETER, the man he met in the washroom changing
his daughter, playing with the little girl.

PETER is full of love as he swings the little girl into the
air as she laughs.

MITCHELL is caught in a daydream, smiling at the happy image
of father and daughter. ALISON approaches him.

ALISON
Well, it was nice meeting you again,
Mr. Stephens.

MITCHELL
Mitchell. It was nice to see you
again, Ally.

ALISON
Alison.

MITCHELL
Alison.

ALISON
Say hi to Zoe.
MITCHELL
I will.

ALISON
I hope she gets better.

MITCHELL
I'll tell her that.

ALISON shakes MITCHELL'S hand, and leaves.

CUT TO

EXT. FAIRGROUND -- DAY

SAM wheels NICOLE along a path away from the same concession
stand that was seen at the beginning of the film. NICOLE is
licking an ice-cream cone. Around them, people are setting
up the bandstand.

NICOLE
Daddy, can we come to the fair?




SAM
Yes.

NICOLE
How about Sunday night? That's
always the best time.

SAM
Okay.

NICOLE looks at a team of men constructing a ride. A school
bus pulls up, and a group of children spill out. NICOLE
watches as the driver tries to form them into a group.

NICOLE
What's going to happen to Dolores?

SAM
I don't know.

NICOLE
Will the police do anything to her?
SAM
It's too late for that. She can't
drive the bus anymore. The school
board saw to that right off.

NICOLE
She'll move away.

SAM
There's talk of that.

NICOLE
Someplace where no one knows her.
(beat)
Someplace strange and new.

SAM is frozen. NICOLE smiles to herself.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary In the morning, Mitchell bumps into his former classmate Alison at the airport's arrival area while waiting for his luggage, and they exchange pleasantries. In the daytime, Sam takes Nicole to the fairground where she enjoys an ice-cream cone. Nicole inquires about Dolores, the bus driver, and Sam shares that her situation is uncertain. The scene has a positive and nostalgic tone, but there's a hint of sadness towards the end when Nicole brings up Dolores.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Authentic portrayal of relationships
  • Reflective tone
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Slow pacing in some moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth of the characters and sets up a poignant moment of reflection and connection between the father and daughter.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the aftermath of a tragic event and the characters' emotional journey is well-executed, providing insight into their inner struggles and relationships.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses smoothly, focusing on the emotional development of the characters and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the theme of family and connection, exploring the complexities of human relationships with honesty and sensitivity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions feel authentic, adding depth to the scene and engaging the audience in their personal struggles.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo subtle changes in their perspectives and relationships, hinting at potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find solace and comfort in the midst of his own personal struggles. He is drawn to the image of a happy father and daughter, which reflects his own desires for connection and happiness.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to navigate social interactions and maintain a sense of normalcy despite his inner turmoil.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there are underlying tensions and unresolved issues, the scene primarily focuses on emotional introspection rather than external conflicts.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' struggles and challenges.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are primarily internal and emotional, focusing on the characters' personal struggles and relationships rather than external threats or conflicts.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene provides insight into the characters' emotional states and relationships, it does not significantly advance the main plot but sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected moments of reflection and introspection, challenging the audience's expectations and assumptions about the characters' motivations and desires.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the contrast between the innocence and joy of childhood represented by the little girl and the harsh realities of adult life faced by the protagonist.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly in its portrayal of grief, hope, and familial bonds.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is natural and serves to reveal the characters' thoughts and feelings, although some moments could benefit from more impactful exchanges.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it captures the audience's attention with its emotional depth and relatable characters. The interactions between the characters feel authentic and meaningful, drawing the audience into their world.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of rhythm and momentum that propels the story forward. The transitions between different locations and characters are seamless, maintaining a sense of continuity and coherence.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and character actions are effectively conveyed through concise and evocative language.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a natural progression, moving seamlessly between different locations and characters while maintaining a cohesive narrative flow. The pacing and rhythm are well-executed, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Critique
  • The scene jump from the airport to the fairground is jarring and could use a transition.
  • The dialogue between Nicole and Sam feels unnatural and forced.
  • The mention of Dolores moving away and Nicole's comment about her going to a strange and new place feels out of place and doesn't contribute much to the conversation.
  • Overall, the scene lacks a clear purpose and doesn't move the story forward.
Suggestions
  • Add a transition shot, such as a montage of travel scenes, to smooth the transition between the airport and the fairground.
  • Revise the dialogue between Nicole and Sam to make it more natural and reflective of their relationship.
  • Consider removing or rewriting the part about Dolores moving away and Nicole's comment about her going to a strange and new place, as it doesn't seem to fit the tone or theme of the scene.
  • Add more context or purpose to the scene, such as having Nicole and Sam discuss the upcoming deposition or their feelings about the accident.



Scene 42 - Signs of Acceptance and Closure
EXT. AIRPORT. -- MORNING

At the airport, in the arrivals bay, MITCHELL waits for his
limousine.

Across the road, a hotel minibus is parked. The driver is
DOLORES. The camera settles on her face as she stares at
MITCHELL.

MITCHELL catches her gaze, and the two stare at each other.




NICOLE
(voice over)
As you see each other, almost two
years later, I wonder if you realize
something.

MITCHELL'S limo arrives. He gets inside.

CUT TO

INT. LIMOUSINE -- MORNING

CLOSE-UP of MITCHELL as he stares ahead, lost in thought.
NICOLE
(voice over)
I wonder if you realize that all of
us - Dolores, me, the children who
survived, the children who didn't -
that we're all citizens of a
different town now.

CUT TO

EXT. GAS STATION -- DAY

BILLY watches as a crane lifts the demolished schoolbus onto
a flatbed truck.

NICOLE
(voice over)
A town of people living in the sweet
hereafter.

CUT TO

EXT. CAR -- AFTERNOON

NICOLE and SAM driving home from the fairground.

NICOLE
(voice over)
Whether others defend us, protect
us, love us or hate us - they do it
to meet their own needs, not ours.

The camera leaves the car to look up at the sky.

CUT TO

EXT. FAIRGROUND -- DUSK

Sunday night at the fairground. NICOLE is staring at the
ferris wheel. In her imagination, the swinging cars of the




slowly turning wheel are full of children. The laughter and
noise is haunting.

NICOLE smiles as she stares at this private apparition.
NICOLE
(voice over)
This is what I learned. This is
what I found out.

CUT TO

INT. BILLY'S HOUSE. JESSICA AND MASON'S BEDROOM. -- NIGHT

NICOLE has just finished reading a story to JESSICA and
MASON. The children are asleep. NICOLE puts the book down,
and kisses the two sleeping children on the cheek.

NICOLE gets up to leave the bedroom, leaving the door
slightly open.

Light spills in from the hallway.




The End October, 1996
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary The scene opens with Mitchell and Dolores sharing a moment of recognition at the airport. Nicole narrates, reflecting on the aftermath of the tragedy and how it has affected them all. The visual elements include Billy watching the demolished school bus, Nicole putting her children to bed, and Nicole watching the ferris wheel in her imagination, signifying her acceptance and closure after the tragedy. The tone is reflective and nostalgic, with a sense of acceptance and closure.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Nuanced characters
  • Reflective tone
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Slow pacing

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively captures the emotional weight of the characters' experiences and provides a poignant reflection on the consequences of the bus accident. The introspective tone and haunting imagery create a powerful atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the aftermath of a tragic event and its impact on the characters is compelling and thought-provoking. The scene effectively conveys the complex emotions and struggles faced by the survivors and their families.

Plot: 8

The plot focuses on the characters' emotional journeys and the aftermath of the bus accident, providing depth and insight into their experiences. The scene moves at a contemplative pace, allowing for introspection and reflection.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its nuanced exploration of grief, loss, and resilience. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and true to life, capturing the complexities of human emotions and relationships in a compelling and thought-provoking way.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and nuanced, each grappling with their own sense of loss, guilt, and hope. Their interactions and inner thoughts reveal the depth of their emotions and the complexity of their relationships.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo emotional growth and introspection in the scene, particularly Nicole and Mitchell. Their interactions and inner thoughts reveal their evolving perspectives and the impact of the bus accident on their lives.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the past and find a sense of closure or understanding. Mitchell, Nicole, and the other characters are grappling with their own emotions and memories, seeking to make sense of their experiences and find peace.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to navigate their current relationships and surroundings in the aftermath of a traumatic event. They are trying to find their place in a changed world and connect with others who have also been affected by the tragedy.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is emotional conflict and tension in the scene, the focus is more on internal struggles and the characters' emotional journeys rather than external conflicts. The conflict arises from the characters' attempts to come to terms with the aftermath of the bus accident.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong but subtle, manifesting in the characters' internal conflicts and emotional struggles. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will navigate their challenges and find resolution in the face of uncertainty and loss. The subtle obstacles and conflicts add depth and complexity to the narrative, driving the characters' growth and development.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for the characters as they grapple with the emotional aftermath of the bus accident, facing feelings of loss, guilt, and the search for closure. The scene explores the profound impact of the tragedy on their lives and relationships.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides important insights into the characters' emotional journeys and the aftermath of the bus accident, moving the story forward in terms of character development and thematic exploration. It deepens the audience's understanding of the characters' experiences and struggles.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' internal conflicts and the subtle shifts in their relationships and emotions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will navigate their challenges and find resolution in the face of uncertainty and loss.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle to find meaning and purpose in the face of loss and grief. The characters are questioning their beliefs, values, and relationships, and trying to make sense of their experiences in a world that has been irrevocably changed.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of nostalgia, regret, and hope in the audience. The characters' emotional struggles and the haunting imagery create a deeply moving and poignant atmosphere.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is introspective and reflective, capturing the characters' inner thoughts and emotions. It effectively conveys the weight of their experiences and the complexity of their relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, complex characters, and thought-provoking themes. The audience is drawn into the characters' inner worlds and struggles, feeling a sense of empathy and connection with their experiences. The scene's evocative imagery and poignant moments create a powerful emotional impact that resonates with the viewer.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of tension, emotional depth, and narrative momentum. The transitions between locations and characters are smooth and seamless, building suspense and intrigue as the story unfolds. The scene's rhythm and pacing enhance the emotional impact and thematic resonance of the narrative, drawing the audience into the characters' inner worlds and struggles.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and visual clarity. The scene is well-organized and easy to follow, allowing the audience to focus on the characters and their emotional journey.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a cohesive narrative thread that ties the characters' experiences together. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness, building tension and emotional depth as the story unfolds.


Critique
  • The scene is effective in conveying a sense of mystery and intrigue as Mitchell and Dolores make eye contact across the airport. The use of Nicole's voiceover narration adds a layer of reflection and foreshadowing to the scene.
  • However, the dialogue in the scene is sparse and doesn't do much to advance the storyline or develop the characters. The scene could be improved by adding more dialogue that reveals the characters' thoughts and motivations.
  • Additionally, the scene ends abruptly with Nicole's voiceover narration, which leaves the audience with more questions than answers. The scene would be more satisfying if it ended with a stronger sense of closure.
Suggestions
  • Add more dialogue between Mitchell and Dolores to reveal their thoughts and motivations. For example, you could have Mitchell ask Dolores why she is staring at him, or have Dolores ask Mitchell if he remembers her from the accident.
  • Expand on Nicole's voiceover narration to provide more context and foreshadowing for the upcoming events in the story. For example, you could have Nicole talk about how she has been coping with the aftermath of the accident, or about her hopes and dreams for the future.
  • Give the scene a stronger sense of closure by having Mitchell and Dolores interact in a more meaningful way. For example, you could have them have a brief conversation about the accident, or have them exchange a look that conveys their unspoken understanding of each other.



Characters in the screenplay, and their arcs:

zoe

Zoe is a complex and multi-dimensional character who is portrayed as a young woman struggling with various challenges in her life. She is caring and curious, yet confrontational and rebellious, showing a mix of vulnerability and defiance. Zoe is emotional, raw, and desperate for help, using a direct and passionate speaking style to express her fears and frustrations. She grapples with a strained relationship with her father, a health crisis, and addiction, showcasing her inner turmoil and emotional fragility.



mitchell

Mitchell is a middle-aged lawyer who struggles with communication and emotional expression. He is protective but distant, often masking his vulnerability with humor and deflection. Despite his reserved nature, Mitchell is emotionally sensitive and haunted by past traumas. He speaks with a measured and introspective tone, showing empathy towards others but struggling to express his own emotions openly. As the story progresses, Mitchell's emotional depth and sense of responsibility become more pronounced, leading him to confront his inner turmoil and strive for connection with his daughter.



sam

Sam is a complex and guilt-ridden father who struggles with his emotions and desires while trying to navigate the legal and emotional challenges facing his family. He is caring, protective, and practical, often trying to find solutions to their family's challenges. Sam's speaking style is reflective, measured, and supportive, with a focus on practical concerns and emotional reassurance.



nicole

Nicole is a resilient and introspective young woman who grapples with survivor's guilt, emotional depth, and a longing for something more in her life. She is compassionate, thoughtful, and observant, with a mix of vulnerability and strength in her speaking style. Nicole's introspective and poetic nature reflects her inner turmoil and emotional struggles, as she navigates the aftermath of a tragic accident and the weight of her lies.



risa

Risa is a tired and worn-down woman, once attractive but now faded, who is practical, caring, and supportive as a wife. She is caught between her feelings for Billy and the consequences of their forbidden romance, exuding a sense of longing and vulnerability. Risa is introspective, carrying a deep emotional weight and struggling with past traumas and regrets. She is determined to uncover the truth behind the accident and seek justice for those involved, speaking with conviction and determination while also showing vulnerability and emotion in moments of intimacy and reflection.



alison

Alison is an old friend of Zoe's with a troubled past, who is cautious and guarded in her interactions. She speaks with a hesitant and reflective tone, hinting at unresolved issues and emotional baggage. Despite her own struggles, Alison is a supportive and understanding friend to both Zoe and Mitchell. She listens attentively, offering comfort and empathy in their conversations. Alison is conflicted and curious, often questioning the motives of those around her. She speaks with a thoughtful and introspective tone, reflecting her inner turmoil and desire for understanding. Overall, Alison is a compassionate and empathetic individual, with a warm and friendly demeanor that makes her approachable and relatable to others.



dolores

Dolores is a warm, insightful, and empathetic character who is deeply connected to her community. She speaks with a sense of authority and compassion, using vivid descriptions to convey her thoughts and feelings. Despite grappling with guilt, grief, and the search for justice, she maintains a strong sense of judgment and a desire to see the best in others. As the story progresses, Dolores becomes more introspective and reflective, hinting at deeper knowledge of the events to come through her somber tone and regretful speaking style.



billy

Billy is a hardworking and dedicated father who is struggling with the loss of his wife. He is conflicted, passionate, caring, and grieving, showing a range of emotions from sadness to anger. His speaking style is straightforward, direct, gentle, reflective, confrontational, and intense, reflecting his inner turmoil and emotional complexity.



CharacterArcCritiqueSuggestions
zoe Zoe's character arc in the screenplay follows her journey from a vulnerable and troubled young woman seeking connection and help to a place of acceptance and self-preservation. Throughout the story, Zoe confronts her father, challenges her own assumptions, and ultimately learns to accept her circumstances and seek help for her struggles. She goes from a place of defiance and anger to a place of vulnerability and honesty, showing growth and resilience in the face of adversity. The character arc for Zoe is well-developed and engaging, showcasing her growth and transformation throughout the story. However, there could be more emphasis on her internal struggles and emotional journey, allowing the audience to connect with her on a deeper level. Additionally, the transitions between her different emotional states could be smoother to create a more cohesive and impactful character arc. To improve the character arc for Zoe, consider adding more internal monologues or moments of introspection to delve into her emotional struggles and inner turmoil. Show her gradual transformation through subtle changes in her behavior and dialogue, highlighting her growth and development over time. Additionally, focus on creating seamless transitions between her different emotional states to create a more cohesive and impactful character arc.
mitchell Mitchell starts off as a reserved and emotionally distant lawyer, haunted by past traumas and struggling with his daughter's addiction. Throughout the screenplay, he undergoes a transformation as he confronts his inner demons and strives to support his daughter. His journey culminates in a moment of emotional vulnerability and connection with his daughter, where he finally opens up about his own struggles and finds closure for both of them. The character arc for Mitchell is well-developed and engaging, showcasing his emotional growth and personal struggles. However, there could be more clarity in his motivations and internal conflicts throughout the screenplay to enhance the audience's understanding of his journey. To improve the character arc for Mitchell, consider incorporating more internal monologues or flashbacks that delve into his past traumas and emotional struggles. This will provide a deeper insight into his character and make his transformation more impactful for the audience. Additionally, explore his relationships with other characters to further highlight his emotional depth and growth.
sam Sam's character arc involves a shift from prioritizing financial concerns to prioritizing emotional well-being. Throughout the screenplay, Sam learns to let go of his guilt and seek redemption through supporting his daughter and finding connection and intimacy with his family. He grows from a reserved and anxious individual to a more empathetic and understanding father who prioritizes love and emotional support over practicalities. The character arc for Sam is well-developed and provides a compelling journey for the audience to follow. However, there could be more depth added to Sam's internal struggles and emotional growth throughout the screenplay. It would be beneficial to explore Sam's past mistakes and guilt in more detail, as well as his journey towards self-forgiveness and acceptance. To improve the character arc for Sam, consider incorporating more flashbacks or internal monologues to delve deeper into his emotional turmoil and past mistakes. Show more moments of vulnerability and introspection to highlight Sam's internal struggles and growth. Additionally, consider adding more interactions with other characters that challenge Sam's beliefs and help him evolve as a person.
nicole Nicole's character arc in the screenplay follows her journey from grappling with survivor's guilt and emotional turmoil to finding inner strength and acceptance. Initially filled with sadness, resentment, and betrayal, Nicole confronts uncomfortable truths and learns to navigate her disability with resilience and introspection. Through moments of reflection and honesty, she begins to let go of her guilt and embrace hope for the future, ultimately finding peace and acceptance. The character arc for Nicole is well-developed and allows for significant growth and emotional depth. However, there could be more clarity in showcasing her progression from vulnerability to strength, as well as a clearer resolution to her emotional journey. Additionally, more emphasis could be placed on her relationships with other characters to further enhance her development. To improve the character arc, consider adding more scenes that highlight Nicole's interactions with other characters, such as her family, friends, or caregivers. This will provide a deeper insight into her emotional journey and allow for more opportunities for growth and connection. Additionally, ensure that the resolution of her arc is clear and satisfying, showing her acceptance and growth in a poignant and impactful way.
risa Risa starts off as a tired and emotionally detached woman, but as the story progresses, she begins to open up and confront her inner demons. Through her forbidden romance with Billy and the investigation into the accident, she finds strength and resilience, ultimately coming to terms with her past traumas and regrets. By the end of the screenplay, Risa has transformed into a strong-willed and determined woman who has found closure and a sense of peace. The character arc for Risa is well-developed and allows for significant growth and transformation. However, there could be more clarity in her motivations and internal struggles throughout the screenplay. Additionally, the transitions between her different emotional states could be smoother to enhance the audience's connection with her journey. To improve the character arc for Risa, consider incorporating more internal monologues or flashbacks to provide insight into her past traumas and regrets. This will help the audience better understand her motivations and emotional struggles. Additionally, focus on creating seamless transitions between her different emotional states to enhance the emotional impact of her transformation throughout the screenplay.
alison Alison starts off as a cautious and guarded individual with unresolved issues and emotional baggage. Through her interactions with Zoe and Mitchell, she learns to open up and confront her own past traumas. As she becomes more empathetic and understanding towards others, Alison begins to find healing and closure for herself. By the end of the screenplay, Alison has grown into a more confident and compassionate person, able to offer support and comfort to those around her. The character arc for Alison is well-developed and allows for significant growth and development throughout the screenplay. However, there could be more specific moments or scenes that highlight her internal struggles and growth, providing a more nuanced portrayal of her character journey. To improve the character arc for Alison, consider adding flashback scenes or moments of introspection that delve deeper into her troubled past and emotional journey. This will help the audience better understand her motivations and actions, as well as showcase her growth and transformation more effectively.
dolores Dolores starts off as a compassionate bus driver grappling with loss and nostalgia, but as she is faced with the need to clear her name and confront her past actions, she becomes conflicted and vulnerable. Through her journey, she ultimately finds a sense of closure and acceptance, coming to terms with her past and finding redemption. The character arc for Dolores is well-developed and allows for emotional depth and growth. However, there could be more clarity in her motivations and internal struggles throughout the screenplay. Additionally, the resolution of her arc could be more impactful and satisfying for the audience. To improve the character arc for Dolores, consider delving deeper into her internal conflicts and motivations from the beginning of the story. Show more of her emotional journey and the gradual shift in her perspective as she confronts her past. Additionally, ensure that the resolution of her arc is clear, impactful, and leaves the audience with a sense of closure and satisfaction.
billy Billy's character arc follows his journey of grief, guilt, and resentment over the tragic accident and its aftermath. As he navigates the complexities of the lawsuit and his personal relationships, he may find redemption and acceptance. Through his struggles, he learns to confront his emotions, make peace with his past, and find a way to move forward while honoring the memory of his wife and children. The character arc for Billy is well-developed and engaging, but it could benefit from more clarity and focus on his internal growth and transformation. The screenplay could delve deeper into Billy's emotional journey and provide more opportunities for him to confront his inner demons and find closure. Additionally, the resolution of his arc could be more impactful and satisfying for the audience. To improve the character arc for Billy, consider adding more scenes that explore his emotional turmoil and inner conflict in greater depth. Provide moments of introspection and self-discovery for Billy to confront his grief and guilt, leading to a more cathartic resolution. Additionally, consider incorporating symbolic elements or visual motifs to enhance the emotional impact of Billy's journey and create a more resonant conclusion for his character arc.
Top Correlations and patterns found in the scenes:

Pattern Explanation
Emotional Impact and DialogueThere is a strong positive correlation between the Emotional Impact and Dialogue of a scene. When the dialogue is stronger, the emotional impact of the scene tends to be higher as well. This suggests that focusing on improving the dialogue could enhance the emotional impact of the story.
Tone and Emotional ImpactThere is a positive correlation between the Tone and Emotional Impact of a scene. Scenes with more intense tones (such as 'Tense', 'Intense', 'Serious') tend to have a higher emotional impact. The author might consider using more intense tones to increase the emotional engagement of the audience.
Character Changes and Move Story ForwardThere is a strong positive correlation between Character Changes and Move Story Forward. This suggests that when the characters undergo changes, the story progresses. The author should focus on character development to ensure the story is engaging and moving forward.
High Stakes and ConflictThere is a moderate positive correlation between High Stakes and Conflict. Scenes with higher stakes tend to have more conflict, which can increase the tension and engagement of the audience. The author might consider raising the stakes to intensify the conflicts in the story.
Concept and Overall GradeThere is a moderate positive correlation between Concept and Overall Grade. This suggests that a stronger concept can lead to a higher overall grade for the scene. The author should focus on developing unique and engaging concepts for each scene.
Outlier SceneScene 8 has a significantly lower score in Move Story Forward, Conflict, and Emotional Impact compared to other scenes. The author might want to reconsider the elements of this scene to ensure it contributes to the overall progression, tension, and emotional engagement of the story.


Writer's Craft Overall Analysis

The screenplay showcases strong emotional depth, character development, and thematic exploration throughout the scenes. The writer demonstrates a unique voice and a talent for creating nuanced characters and engaging conflicts. However, there is room for improvement in pacing, dialogue, and scene structure to enhance the overall impact of the screenplay.

Key Improvement Areas

Pacing and Structure
Some scenes seem to drag on or lack clear transitions, which can affect the overall flow of the story. Improving pacing and scene structure can help maintain audience engagement and enhance the narrative's momentum.
Dialogue
While the dialogue is generally strong, there are opportunities to make it more impactful by focusing on subtext, character motivations, and avoiding exposition. Improving dialogue skills can elevate the emotional depth and authenticity of the scene.
Visual Storytelling
Some scenes rely heavily on dialogue to convey emotions and relationships. Developing visual storytelling techniques can help create a richer, more immersive narrative experience for the audience.

Suggestions

Type Suggestion Rationale
Book Save the Cat by Blake Snyder This book provides valuable insights into structuring scenes, developing characters, and creating engaging dialogue. Applying these principles can help improve pacing, character development, and overall storytelling in the screenplay.
Exercise Write a scene without dialogue, focusing on visual storytelling and character emotions.Practice In SceneProv This exercise will help the writer develop their skills in conveying emotions and relationships through visual cues and character actions, enhancing the depth and impact of their storytelling.
Screenplay The Social Network by Aaron Sorkin Studying this screenplay will help the writer improve dialogue skills, create engaging character relationships, and build suspense through dialogue and pacing.
Stories Similar to this one

Story Explanation
The Verdict (1982 film) Both stories involve a lawyer, Frank Galvin in The Verdict and Mitchell Stephens in the summary, who have personal struggles and are seeking justice for their clients. They are both driven by a desire to right a wrong and are willing to confront powerful opponents.
A Time to Kill (1996 film) In both stories, the lawyers are motivated by personal experiences to take on cases that involve the death of children. They are both determined to seek justice for their clients, even if it means going up against powerful adversaries.
Rain Man (1988 film) Both stories involve a road trip and a complex relationship between two individuals, Mitchell and his drug-addict daughter Zoe in the summary, and Charlie and Raymond in Rain Man. The characters are both struggling with personal issues and must learn to connect and understand each other.
The Fault in Our Stars (2014 film) Both stories deal with the themes of grief, loss, and the impact of illness on young people. The characters, Hazel and Gus in The Fault in Our Stars and Nicole in the summary, are both dealing with physical limitations and must navigate their relationships and emotions in the face of adversity.
Dead Poets Society (1989 film) Both stories involve a teacher, John Keating in Dead Poets Society and Mitchell Stephens in the summary, who are trying to inspire and help their students. They both challenge their students to think differently and to find their own paths, even if it means going against conventional wisdom.
The Pursuit of Happyness (2006 film) Both stories involve a father, Chris Gardner in The Pursuit of Happyness and Mitchell Stephens in the summary, who are struggling to provide for their families. They are both determined to overcome their circumstances and to create a better future for their children, even if it means making significant sacrifices.

Here are different Tropes found in the screenplay

Trope Trope Details Trope Explanation
The Hero's JourneyMitchell Stehens, the main character, embarks on a journey to seek justice for a bus accident that killed several children, including his daughter's friends. He faces various challenges and meets new people along the way.The Hero's Journey is a common narrative arc in literature and film, where the main character goes on a journey, faces challenges, and returns transformed. Examples include Star Wars, The Lord of the Rings, and The Lion King.
TragedyThe story revolves around a tragic bus accident that kills several children and leaves others injured, causing emotional distress and trauma for the families and community.Tragedy is a genre of storytelling that explores serious or somber themes, often involving loss, suffering, and emotional pain. Examples include Romeo and Juliet, Titanic, and The Pursuit of Happyness.
The Grieving ParentSeveral parents in the story, including Mitchell and Billy, experience grief and loss after the death of their children in the bus accident.The Grieving Parent is a common trope in stories that explore themes of loss and tragedy. Examples include A Walk to Remember, The Fault in Our Stars, and The Lovely Bones.
The LawyerMitchell Stehens is a lawyer who represents the families of the children killed in the bus accident, seeking justice and compensation for their loss.The Lawyer is a common trope in stories that explore themes of justice, morality, and ethics. Examples include A Few Good Men, Erin Brockovich, and Legally Blonde.
The OutsiderMitchell Stehens is an outsider who comes to the small town to investigate the bus accident, causing tension and suspicion among the locals.The Outsider is a common trope in stories that explore themes of community, identity, and belonging. Examples include The Outsiders, To Kill a Mockingbird, and The Secret Life of Bees.
RedemptionMitchell Stehens seeks redemption for his past failures as a father, trying to help his drug-addict daughter and seeking justice for the families affected by the bus accident.Redemption is a common theme in stories that explore themes of morality, ethics, and personal growth. Examples include A Christmas Carol, The Shawshank Redemption, and The Pursuit of Happyness.
The Damsel in DistressNicole Burnell, a hospital patient, is a young girl who becomes the center of a legal battle for compensation after the bus accident.The Damsel in Distress is a common trope in stories that explore themes of rescue, protection, and chivalry. Examples include Sleeping Beauty, Beauty and the Beast, and Cinderella.
The MentorMitchell Stehens acts as a mentor to Nicole Burnell, helping her navigate the legal system and cope with her disability.The Mentor is a common trope in stories that explore themes of personal growth, learning, and self-discovery. Examples include Star Wars, The Karate Kid, and The Matrix.
The Tragic HeroMitchell Stehens is a tragic hero who seeks justice for the bus accident but faces personal and professional challenges along the way.The Tragic Hero is a common trope in stories that explore themes of morality, ethics, and personal growth. Examples include Hamlet, Macbeth, and Othello.
The Unreliable NarratorThe story is told from multiple perspectives, including Mitchell Stehens, who may not be a reliable narrator due to his personal biases and motivations.The Unreliable Narrator is a common trope in stories that explore themes of perspective, subjectivity, and truth. Examples include The Usual Suspects, Fight Club, and Gone Girl.


Theme Theme Details Themee Explanation
Loss and GriefDeath of children in a bus accident, a father's loss of his daughter to drug addiction, a family's loss of their home, a woman's loss of her ability to walkThe screenplay explores the different forms of loss and grief experienced by various characters, and how they cope with and move forward from their tragedies.
Strengthening Loss and Grief:
Suggestion Type How to Strengthen the Theme
Dialogue - Scene 2 Have Mitchell express his love and concern for Zoe, despite his difficulty in recognizing her. This will emphasize the depth of their relationship and the pain of his loss.
Visual - Scene 9 Show a family photo or a montage of moments with the Ottos and Bear, highlighting their strong bond and the void left by their absence. This will reinforce the sense of loss and grief.
Character Arc - Scene 14 Develop Mitchell's character arc by having him reflect on his past failures to help Zoe, showing his growth and determination to seek justice for the bus accident victims.
Dialogue - Scene 27 Explore Nicole's feelings of loss and grief through a dialogue with her family, discussing her fears and anxieties about her future and the challenges she'll face in recovery.
Story Arc - Scene 37 Extend Billy's story arc by having him offer to help pay for Nicole's care, demonstrating his compassion and further emphasizing the theme of loss and grief.
Parent-Child RelationshipsA father's relationship with his drug-addicted daughter, a father's relationship with his surviving daughter, a bus driver's relationship with the children on her bus, a single father raising his children after his wife's deathThe screenplay delves into the complexities and nuances of parent-child relationships, highlighting the love, sacrifice, and frustration that often come with them.
Justice and LawsuitsA lawyer's pursuit of justice for a bus accident, a family's lawsuit against the town for negligence, a man's offer to pay for a victim's care instead of participating in a lawsuitThe screenplay examines the concept of justice and the role of lawsuits in achieving it, as well as the potential consequences and impact of such legal actions.
Community and NeighborhoodA small town's response to a tragic accident, neighbors helping each other out, a man selling his house and moving awayThe screenplay explores the importance of community and neighborhood, and how they can provide support and comfort in times of need, as well as the challenges and conflicts that can arise within them.
Memory and NostalgiaCharacters reminiscing about old memories, a father reflecting on his past attempts to help his daughter, a woman reading a poem on the busThe screenplay uses memory and nostalgia as a way for characters to connect with each other and to cope with their current struggles, highlighting the power of these emotions in shaping our identities and relationships.



Screenwriting Resources on Themes

Articles

Site Description
Studio Binder Movie Themes: Examples of Common Themes for Screenwriters
Coverfly Improving your Screenplay's theme
John August Writing from Theme

YouTube Videos

Title Description
Story, Plot, Genre, Theme - Screenwriting Basics Screenwriting basics - beginner video
What is theme Discussion on ways to layer theme into a screenplay.
Thematic Mistakes You're Making in Your Script Common Theme mistakes and Philosophical Conflicts
Voice Analysis
Summary: The writer's voice is characterized by its blend of intimate character moments and stark urban imagery, which creates a sense of contrast and tension. The dialogue is sparse but impactful, conveying emotion and atmosphere through subtle interactions.
Voice Contribution The writer's voice contributes to the script by enhancing the mood and theme of the scenes, emphasizing the contrast between personal relationships and external challenges, creating a sense of depth and complexity.
Best Representation Scene 1 - A Morning at the Cottage and an Uneasy Night in the City
Best Scene Explanation This scene is the best representation of the author's voice because it effectively blends intimate family moments with urban grit, showcasing the writer's ability to create depth and tension through contrasting elements.
Originality
  • Overall originality score: 8
  • Overall originality explanation: The screenplay demonstrates a high level of originality through its exploration of complex relationships, emotional depth, and unique situations. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the originality of each scene. The screenplay presents fresh perspectives on familiar themes such as loss, grief, addiction, and family dynamics, setting it apart from clichéd portrayals.
  • Most unique situations: The most unique situations in the screenplay include Mitchell being stuck in a car wash and unable to get anyone's attention, the mysterious characters and underlying tension in a familiar small-town setting, and the fresh take on the theme of infidelity and its aftermath. The unique elements such as the metaphor of berry-picking, the portrayal of childhood innocence, and the exploration of adult responsibilities also add to the originality of the screenplay.
  • Overall unpredictability score: 7
  • Overall unpredictability explanation: The screenplay maintains a consistent level of unpredictability, with unexpected character interactions, moral complexities, and emotional depth. The unpredictability is heightened by the fresh perspectives on themes such as loss, grief, and human connection, as well as the authentic dialogue and character actions. The unique situations and conflicts contribute to the unpredictability of the narrative, making it engaging and thought-provoking.
Goals and Philosophical Conflict
internal GoalsThe protagonist's internal goals revolve around seeking connection, understanding, and closure with family members and others.
External Goals The protagonist's external goals involve navigating various challenges, seeking justice, and balancing personal and professional responsibilities.
Philosophical Conflict The overarching philosophical conflict revolves around seeking justice, understanding, and acceptance in the face of tragedy, loss, and personal struggles.


Character Development Contribution: The goals and conflicts contribute to the protagonist's growth by challenging their beliefs, values, and personal relationships. They navigate moral dilemmas, emotional turmoil, and seek redemption and closure.

Narrative Structure Contribution: The goals and conflicts drive the narrative forward by creating tension, emotional depth, and character development. They shape the protagonist's journey and interactions with other characters, leading to a resolution of conflicts and personal growth.

Thematic Depth Contribution: The goals and conflicts add thematic depth to the screenplay by exploring themes of family dynamics, loss, justice, redemption, and the complexity of human relationships. They highlight the importance of empathy, acceptance, and personal growth in the face of adversity.


Screenwriting Resources on Goals and Philosophical Conflict

Articles

Site Description
Creative Screenwriting How Important Is A Character’s Goal?
Studio Binder What is Conflict in a Story? A Quick Reminder of the Purpose of Conflict

YouTube Videos

Title Description
How I Build a Story's Philosophical Conflict How do you build philosophical conflict into your story? Where do you start? And how do you develop it into your characters and their external actions. Today I’m going to break this all down and make it fully clear in this episode.
Endings: The Good, the Bad, and the Insanely Great By Michael Arndt: I put this lecture together in 2006, when I started work at Pixar on Toy Story 3. It looks at how to write an "insanely great" ending, using Star Wars, The Graduate, and Little Miss Sunshine as examples. 90 minutes
Tips for Writing Effective Character Goals By Jessica Brody (Save the Cat!): Writing character goals is one of the most important jobs of any novelist. But are your character's goals...mushy?
World Building
  • Physical environment: The physical environment in the screenplay is diverse, ranging from a peaceful summer cottage to a gritty car wash and a bustling airport. The settings include suburban neighborhoods, a small town, a motel, a fairground, and various modes of transportation such as buses, airplanes, and cars. The contrasting environments create a sense of tension and juxtaposition, highlighting the characters' emotional states and experiences.
  • Culture: The cultural elements in the screenplay revolve around family dynamics, community, and personal relationships. The characters are deeply connected to their families and communities, often interacting in shared spaces such as fairgrounds, school buses, and porches. The small-town setting fosters a strong sense of community, where everyone knows each other and supports one another. Music and literature also play a significant role in the cultural landscape, reflecting the characters' emotions and experiences.
  • Society: The societal structure in the screenplay is that of a close-knit small town, where people rely on each other for support and assistance. The town has a legal system in place, with lawyers and depositions playing a significant role in the narrative. The societal norms and values are rooted in trust, mutual understanding, and interconnectedness. However, the screenplay also explores the darker side of society, such as broken families, addiction, and the aftermath of a tragic accident.
  • Technology: The technological elements in the screenplay are relatively minimal, focusing mainly on communication tools such as phones, cordless phones, and computers. These tools serve as a means of connecting with others, but also highlight the characters' emotional distance and disconnect. The use of modern technology contrasts with the traditional and nostalgic setting, emphasizing the characters' struggles to navigate their complex emotions and relationships.
  • Characters influence: The unique physical environment, culture, society, and technology shape the characters' experiences and actions in various ways. The contrasting settings create a sense of tension and juxtaposition, highlighting the characters' emotional states and experiences. The cultural elements of family dynamics and community foster a strong sense of connection and support, while the societal structure emphasizes trust, mutual understanding, and interconnectedness. The minimal technological elements highlight the characters' emotional distance and disconnect, contributing to their struggles to navigate their complex emotions and relationships.
  • Narrative contribution: The world elements contribute to the narrative of the screenplay by creating a sense of tension and juxtaposition, emphasizing the characters' emotional states and experiences. The contrasting settings, cultural elements, societal structure, and minimal technological elements all serve to advance the plot and deepen the narrative, highlighting the characters' struggles and triumphs in the face of adversity.
  • Thematic depth contribution: The world elements also contribute to the thematic depth of the screenplay by exploring themes of family, community, addiction, loss, and the aftermath of tragedy. The contrasting settings, cultural elements, societal structure, and minimal technological elements all serve to deepen the narrative and add thematic depth, emphasizing the characters' emotional journeys and the complexities of human relationships.
Story Engine Analysis

central conflict

The central conflict is the aftermath of a tragic school bus accident in a small town, where grieving parents and injured children seek justice and compensation while dealing with their personal losses and struggles.

primary motivations

Primary motivations include Mitchell's pursuit of justice for the victims' families, Billy's need to move on from the tragedy, and Nicole's journey to face her disability and the accident's consequences.

catalysts

The main catalysts are the bus accident, Mitchell's decision to take on the case, and Nicole's efforts to confront her new reality and uncover the truth about the accident.

barriers

Barriers include Mitchell's internal struggles with his drug-addict daughter, Billy's resistance to the lawsuit, and Nicole's physical and emotional challenges in dealing with her injuries and the loss of her friends.

themes

Themes include grief, loss, justice, healing, and the human capacity to cope with adversity.

stakes

The stakes are high for all characters, as they face financial, emotional, and personal consequences from the accident and the ensuing lawsuit.

uniqueness factor

The story's uniqueness lies in its exploration of a small town's collective grief and healing process, as well as the interconnected lives of the characters and their individual responses to the tragedy.

audience hook

The audience is engaged through the emotional rollercoaster of the characters' journeys, the unfolding mystery of the accident, and the exploration of the human condition in the face of adversity.

paradoxical engine or bisociation

The bisociation engine lies in the intersection of personal healing and the pursuit of justice, as well as the exploration of how a tragic event can bring a community together while also tearing it apart.

paradoxical engine or bisociation 2

Another bisociation engine could be the contrast between the idyllic small-town setting and the darker themes of loss, addiction, and the legal battle that ensues, highlighting the complexities and contradictions of human nature.


Screenplay Rating:

Recommend

Executive Summary

The Sweet Hereafter is a powerful and thought-provoking screenplay that explores the aftermath of a tragic accident on a small town. Its strengths lie in its complex characters, realistic dialogue, and evocative visual imagery. However, the pacing can be slow at times and the ending may leave some viewers wanting more closure. Overall, it is a compelling and well-crafted story that would appeal to audiences interested in character-driven dramas with a focus on human resilience in the face of tragedy.

Strengths
  • The screenplay explores the complex themes of grief, guilt, and the search for meaning in the face of tragedy with depth and nuance. high
  • The characters are well-developed and their motivations are clear, even when they are flawed or make questionable decisions. high
  • The dialogue is natural and realistic, capturing the pain and confusion of the characters. high
  • The use of non-linear storytelling effectively creates suspense and keeps the audience engaged. medium
  • The visual imagery is evocative and creates a strong sense of atmosphere. medium
Areas of Improvement
  • The pacing can be slow at times, particularly in the first act. medium
  • The ending may leave some viewers wanting more closure, particularly regarding the resolution of the lawsuit and the characters' emotional journeys. medium ( Scene 30  Scene 39  )
  • The subplot involving Mitchell's daughter Zoe, while adding depth to his character, feels somewhat disconnected from the main narrative. low ( Scene 22  Scene 31  )
MissingElements
NotablePoints
  • The use of the poem 'The Pied Piper of Hamelin' as a recurring motif adds a layer of symbolism and foreshadowing to the narrative. high ( Scene 19  )
  • The character of Abbott, despite being physically incapacitated, has a powerful presence and serves as a moral compass in the story. medium ( Scene 9  Scene 26  )
Memorable lines in the script:

Scene Number Line
22Mitchell: Every time I get on one of these flights to rescue Zoe, I remember the summer we almost lost her.
18Nicole: It just seems...kind of weird.
19Nicole: Once more he stept into the street, And to his lips again Laid his long pipe of smooth straight cane; And ere he blew three notes such sweet soft notes as yet musician's cunning Never gave the enraptured air - There was a rustling, seemed like a bustling Of merry crowds justling at pitching and hustling, Small feet were pattering, wooden shoes clattering, Little hands clapping and little tongues chattering, And, like fowls in a farm-yard when the barley is scattering, Out came the children running. All the little boys and girls, With rosy cheeks and flaxen curls, And sparkling eyes and teeth like pearls. Tripping and skipping, ran merrily after The wonderful music with shouting and laughter...
35Dolores: I remember wrenching the steering wheel to the right and slapping my foot against the brake petal. I wasn't the driver anymore.
26DOLORES: The true jury of a person's peers is the people of her town. Only they, the people who have known her all her life, and not twelve strangers, can decide her guilt or innocence.