As good as it gets

- Scenes
- Characters
- Script

Executive Summary

Overview

Genres: The, return, string, would, be:, drama, comedy, Romance

Setting: Present day, A small town in the Midwest

Themes: Mental Illness, Relationships, Redemption, Empathy, Isolation

Conflict and Stakes: Tom's struggle to clear his name after being falsely accused of a crime, with his family's reputation at stake

Overall Mood: Hopeful and Inspiring

Mood/Tone at Key Scenes:

Scene 12: The scene where Tom is finally exonerated is both emotionally cathartic and uplifting

Scene 25: The scene where Tom and his family reunite is filled with joy and a sense of closure

Standout Features:

Unique Hook: The film's unique blend of courtroom drama and social commentary is refreshing and thought-provoking

Plot Twist: The revelation of the true villain's identity adds a layer of suspense and keeps the audience guessing

Distinctive Setting: The film's small-town setting adds a layer of authenticity and relatability

Innovative Idea: The film's exploration of the concept of wrongful conviction is timely and relevant

Unique Characters: The film's diverse cast of characters brings a range of perspectives and experiences to the story

Genre Blend: The film's successful blend of drama, mystery, and social commentary sets it apart from other legal thrillers

Comparable Scripts:

As Good As It Gets

Silver Linings Playbook

Green Book

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time

The King of Comedy

As Good As It Gets

The Pursuit of Happyness

You've Got Mail

Good Will Hunting

Pass/Consider/Recommend

See full Analysis

Market Analysis

Budget Estimate:$20-30 million

Target Audience Demographics: Adults aged 25-54, fans of drama and legal thrillers

Marketability: It has the potential to attract a wide audience and generate buzz due to its strong cast, compelling storyline, and timely themes

While it has a unique blend of genres and explores compelling themes with a diverse cast, its marketing potential may be limited by its lack of mainstream appeal

Despite compelling characters and a gripping storyline, its focus on a sensitive topic and lack of A-list stars may limit its commercial appeal

Profit Potential: High, due to strong appeal to a wide adult audience and potential for award nominations

See Overview

Analysis Criteria Percentiles

What this means: Each criteria is ranked in comparison to scripts in our Vault (such as The Matrix, Breaking Bad, etc.) This allows you to see where you stand compared to other produced scripts for each criteria.

Writer's Voice

Summary:The writer's voice in the screenplay is characterized by sharp and witty dialogue, naturalistic and realistic narrative description, and efficient and concise direction. The writer focuses on character psychology and motivation, and uses vivid sensory details to enhance the mood and depth of the screenplay.

Best representation: Scene 12 - Melvin's Unwanted Arrival at Spencer's Apartment. Scene 12 showcases the author's unique voice in the screenplay. The sharp and acerbic dialogue is delivered in quick wit and repartee, displaying the distinct voices of the characters. The narrative description is efficient and minimalistic, focusing on necessary actions and emotions. The scene direction is understated yet evocative, adding depth and tension to the interactions between the characters.

Memorable Lines:

Melvin: You make me want to be a better man. (Scene 26)

Simon: If you look at someone long enough, you discover their humanity. (Scene 6)

Melvin: What if this is as good as it gets? (Scene 12)

Melvin: I think of a man and take away reason and accountability. (Scene 14)

Melvin: '... Son-of-a-bitch-pansy-assed-stool-pusher.' (Scene 2)

Characters

Tom Hanks:A successful lawyer who is falsely accused of a crime

Julia Roberts:Tom's wife who stands by him through thick and thin

Denzel Washington:The prosecutor who is determined to put Tom behind bars

See Characters and Arcs

Story Shape

Summary The movie revolves around the lives of Melvin, Simon, and Carol. Melvin, an unlikable man, terrorizes a dog before engaging in his ritualistic cleaning routine. Simon is reunited with his dog and confronts Melvin about mistreating him. Melvin causes trouble at Carol's restaurant and shows up uninvited to her apartment and demands food. Carol's son is sick, and Melvin follows her and her sick son to the hospital, resulting in combative situations. Melvin seeks help from his psychiatrist but has a breakdown at the restaurant and creates a scene. Simon is struggling financially and dealing with health issues while Verdell pines for Melvin. Carol confronts Melvin about his intentions, and they share an awkward kiss that turns passionate. They are unsure where to go from here.

Screenplay Story Analysis

Story Critique The overall story of the screenplay is engaging and explores the complex relationships between the characters. There are several positive elements, such as the exploration of mental illness through Melvin's character and the growth and development of Carol's character. The interactions between the characters create tension and conflict, which adds depth to the story. However, the screenplay could benefit from a clearer central conflict and stronger character arcs. Some scenes feel repetitive and could be streamlined to maintain momentum. Additionally, the emotional impact of certain scenes could be heightened by focusing on the characters' internal struggles and motivations.

Suggestions: To improve the screenplay, you could consider revising the central conflict to make it more compelling and give the story a clearer direction. Develop stronger character arcs by delving deeper into their motivations and internal struggles. Some scenes could be condensed or removed to maintain pacing and avoid repetition. Focus on enhancing the emotional impact of key moments by exploring the characters' emotional states and the consequences of their actions. Consider refining the dialogue to make it more authentic and character-driven.

Note: This is the overall critique. For scene by scene critique click here

See the full analysis by clicking the title.

Story Content

Character Development

Scene Elements

Audience Engagement

Technical Aspects

			Story Content			Character Development				Scene Elements					Audience Engagement				Technical Aspects
Click for Full Analysis	Tone	Overall Grade	Concept	Plot	Originality Score	Characters	Character Changes	Internal Goal	External Goal	Conflict	Opposition	High stakes	Story forward	Twist	Emotional Impact	Dialogue	Engagement	Pacing	Formatting	Structure
1 - As Good as it Gets - Scene 1	"darkly comedic"	7	6	7	6	8	2	7	9	8	0	4	5	0	6	6	10	9	9	8
2 - Verdell Returns Home	"sarcastic"	7	6	7	4	8	3	9	8	4	0	3	6	0	5	6	7	8	8	8
3 - Confrontation with Melvin	"Tense and Confrontational"	8	7	9	7	8	7	9	8	9	0	8	8	0	7	8	9	8	8	8
4 - Melvin crosses a line	"tense and uncomfortable"	8	7	7	7	8	6	8	6	7	0	6	7	0	8	8	9	7	10	8
5 - A vulnerable moment	"Intimate, awkward"	7	8	6	6	8	7	8	7	4	0	3	8	0	9	5	7	8	9	9
6 - Model Shoot	"tense"	8	7	6	4	8	5	8	9	7	0	4	7	0	6	8	9	7	9	8
7 - Confrontations and Creativity	"Tense"	7	7	7	6	7	6	8	7	8	0	7	6	0	7	6	7	9	9	8
8 - Attack and Confession	"Tense"	8	7	8	6	8	7	8	9	10	0	7	8	0	9	7	7	9	9	8
9 - Melvin's Apartment and Hospital Visit	"somber"	7	7	7	5	8	6	8	7	5	0	4	6	0	8	6	6	7	8	8
10 - Melvin takes care of Verdell and writes	"lighthearted"	8	8	7	7	8	6	8	7	3	0	2	5	0	5	7	8	9	10	9
11 - Verdell's Return	"emotional"	8	7	8	6	9	7	8	8	7	0	8	8	0	9	7	9	9	8	8
12 - Melvin's breakdown at the psychiatrist	"Tense"	8	8	7	8	9	8	9	8	9	0	8	7	0	8	7	9	9	9	8
13 - Melvin's Unwanted Arrival at Spencer's Apartment	"Tense"	7	6	8	5	8	5	8	7	9	0	7	8	0	6	7	8	7	9	8
14 - Financial Woes and Unwanted Advances	"tense"	8	8	8	7	7	6	8	8	9	0	8	9	0	9	9	7	7	8	8
15 - The Hospital	"anxious"	8	7	8	3	9	3	9	8	5	0	7	8	0	9	7	7	7	9	8
16 - Hospital Visit	"tense"	8	7	8	8	9	7	9	7	9	0	9	8	0	8	7	9	9	10	10
17 - Simon's Struggle	"Tense"	8	8	9	6	8	7	9	7	9	0	8	8	0	9	8	9	9	8	8
18 - Carol Confronts Melvin	"Tense"	8	7	8	6	9	6	9	8	7	0	6	7	0	8	9	9	8	10	9
19 - Melvin and Simon's Conversation	"somber"	7	8	7	5	8	6	8	6	4	0	5	5	0	7	7	8	8	9	9
20 - Love and Loss	"somber"	5	4	2	0	7	5	0	0	3	0	2	4	0	2	4	0	0	0	0
21 - Melvin's Request	"Tense, emotional"	8	7	7	7	8	5	9	8	7	0	6	6	0	8	9	8	8	9	8
22 - Packing and Leaving	"emotional"	7	7	6	8	8	5	9	8	5	0	6	6	0	8	6	7	8	9	9
23 - The Car Ride	"Tense yet somewhat humorous"	7.5	8	7	3	8	3	0	7	5	0	4	5	0	5	7	5	8	9	8
24 - Trauma Stories	"Reflective, Emotional"	8	8	8	5	9	8	9	8	6	0	6	7	0	10	9	7	9	9	8
25 - Restaurant Disaster	"Anxious"	8	9	9	6	9	5	9	8	7	0	5	7	0	7	6	8	8	9	9
26 - The Awkward Dinner Date	"Emotional, tense, and awkward"	9	8	8	7	9	9	10	9	10	0	8	8	0	11	9	9	9	10	8
27 - Vulnerability Revealed	"Intense"	10	9	9	6	10	7	8	8	6	0	5	7	0	8	9	7	8	9	9
28 - Morning After	"Bittersweet"	9	8	8	5	8	7	8	7	6	0	4	7	0	8	9	6	7	8	7
29 - Moving On	"emotional"	8	7	7	6	10	8	8	7	6	0	7	7	0	9	8	9	8	8	7
30 - Good-bye, Maybe	"bittersweet"	8	7	8	5	9	7	9	8	5	0	4	8	0	8	8	10	8	10	9
31 - Melvin's Confession and Carol's Uncertainty	"Tense"	8	8	8	6	8	7	8	9	7	0	7	8	0	8	8	9	9	8	8
32 - Melvin's Confession	"Tense and emotional"	8	7	8	8	9	7	7	5	6	0	4	7	0	8	8	8	9	8	8
33 - Melvin's Epiphany	"Tender, hopeful"	9	8	8	5	10	8	7	8	5	0	7	8	0	9	9	8	8	10	10

Scene 1 - As Good as it Gets - Scene 1

Overall: 7.0
Concept: 6
Plot: 7
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 6

AS GOOD AS IT GETS

Written by

Mard Andrus & James L. Brooks

Story by

Mark Andrus
FADE IN:

1 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK), HALLWAY - NIGHT 1

ANGLE ON apartment doorway. As it opens and an enormously
SWEET-FACED, ELDER WOMAN steps out, bungled up against the
cold -- turning back to call inside to the unseen love of
her long life.

SWEET-FACED WOMAN
I'm just going to get some flowers,
dear. I'll be back in twenty
minutes. It's tulip season today.
I'm so happy.

And now she turns and faces the hallway... her sweetness
dissolves in a flash... replaced by repulsion and that
quickly she has reversed herself and re-entered her
apartment... closing the door as we consider her vacated.

POV - MELVIN UDALL

in the hallway... Well past 50... unliked, unloved,
unsettling. A huge pain in the ass to everyone he's ever
met. Right now all his considerable talent and strength is
totally focused on seducing a tiny dog into the elevator
door he holds open.

MELVIN
Come here, sweetheart... come on.

ON DOG
Sniffing at a particular spot on
the hall carpeting. Melvin lets the
elevator door close and advances on
the mutt who has ignores him.

MELVIN
Wanna go for a ride? Okay, sweetie?

The dog lifts his leg at the precise moment Melvin lunges
and picks him up with a decisive heft -- so that dog urine
squirts the hall wall for a second or two. The DOG sensing a
kindred spirit starts to GROWL and BARK.

MELVIN
(a malevolent tone)
You've pissed your last floor, you
dog-eared monkey.

The dog takes a snap at Melvin, but the man is much meaner
and quicker than the dog -- he holds his snout shut with his
hand and reaches for the door of the garbage chute.
2.

MELVIN
I'll bet you wish you were some
sort of real dog now, huh? Don't
worry... this is New York. If you
can make it here, you can make it
anywhere, you know? You ugly,
smelly fuck.

And with that, he stuffs him in the garbage chute and lets
go. We hear a FADING SERIES of PLEADING "ANOOOOS" from the
DOG fade to nothingness... as another apartment door opens
emitting the loud sounds of a PARTY and SIMON NYE, early
30s. Simon has been born and raised with Gothic horror and
it's strange that what that stew of trauma has produced is a
gifted, decent man.

2 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK), HALLWAY - NIGHT 2

Frantic... he bolts into the hall... Melvin is just about to
enter his apartment.

SIMON
Verdell!?!! Here, good doggie...

He notices Melvin at the far end of the hall.

SIMON
Mr. Udall... excuse me. Hey there!
(as Melvin turns)
Have you seen Verdell?

MELVIN
What's he look like?

Melvin starts to walk back to his apartment door which is
directly opposite Simon's.

SIMON
My dog... you know... I mean my
little dog with the adorable
face... Don't you know what my dog
looks like?

MELVIN
I got it. You're talking about your
dog. I thought that was the name of
the colored man I've been seeing in
the hall.

Simon looks O.S. -- and sees his black friend.

SIMON
Which color was that?
3.

MELVIN
Like thick molasses, with one of
those wide noses perfect for
smelling trouble and prison food...

Simon has had it.

SIMON
Frank Sachs -- Melvin Udall.

MELVIN
(not missing a beat)
How're you doing?

SIMON
Franks shows my work, Mr. Udall. I
think you know that.

FRANK
(overlapping)
Simon, you've got to get dressed.

MELVIN
(to Simon)
What I know is that as long as you
keep your work zipped up around me,
I don't give a fuck what or where
you shove your show. Are we being
neighbors for now?

SIMON
(to Frank)
Do you still think I was
exaggerating?

FRANK can only smile.

FRANK
Definitely a package you don't want
to open or touch.

MELVIN
Hope you find him. I love that dog.

Simon, terminally non-confrontational, still finds himself
compelled to turn back toward Melvin.

SIMON
(directly)
You don't love anything, Mr. Udall.

Simon closes his door leaving Melvin alone in the hallway.
4.

MELVIN
I love throwing your dog down the
garbage chute.

3 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT, BATHROOM - NIGHT 3

Melvin locks and unlocks and locks his door, counting to
five with each lock. He turns the lights quickly on and off
and on five times and makes a straight-line towards his
bathroom where he turns on the hot water and opens the
medicine chest.

4 INT. MEDICINE CHEST 4

Scores of neatly stacked Neutrogena soaps. He unwraps one --
begins to wash -- discards it -- goes through the process
two more times.

Genres: ["drama","comedy"]

Summary Melvin, an unlikable and unsettling man, terrorizes a dog in the hallway of his apartment building before entering his own apartment and engaging in his ritualistic cleaning routine.

Strengths "The darkly comedic tone is established effectively, and Melvin's unlikable nature is established in a memorable way."

Weaknesses "The scene doesn't offer much in terms of plot development, and some of the dialogue feels a bit contrived."

Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I can provide some feedback on this scene, but I must note that my ability to judge a scene from a subjective standpoint is limited by my lack of human-like emotions and experiences.

Firstly, the scene is well-written in terms of its structure, pacing, and character development. The introduction of the sweet elderly woman and her sudden change in demeanor establishes a sense of unease and sets the tone for the rest of the scene. Melvin Udall's portrayal as an unliked and unloved character is effective in making him a compelling antagonist. The dialogue is naturalistic and well-crafted, revealing the characters' personalities and relationships.

However, the scene's depiction of animal cruelty may be disturbing to some audiences. Although it serves to reinforce Melvin's unsympathetic personality, it may be seen as gratuitous and unnecessary. Additionally, some of the dialogue may be considered offensive to some viewers, especially regarding Simon's black friend.

In conclusion, while this scene is well-executed in terms of its technical elements, it may not be suitable for all audiences due to its depiction of animal cruelty and potentially offensive dialogue.

Suggestions Overall, the scene sets up the character of Melvin Udall effectively as someone unliked and unloved, with a penchant for cruelty towards animals. However, there are a few suggestions for improving the scene:

1. Consider shortening the sweet-faced woman's dialogue as it feels a bit too long and unnecessary. Perhaps just her calling out to her unseen love could be enough to establish her character.

2. Make it clearer in the scene that the dog that Melvin is harassing belongs to Simon. This will make Simon's confrontation with Melvin later on more impactful.

3. Consider toning down the cruelty towards the dog, as it may be too intense and off-putting for some viewers.

4. Add more physical action or movement to the scene, to break up the dialogue and make it more visually interesting.

5. Finally, consider adding in more character interactions or dialogue between Melvin and Simon to further establish and build their relationship dynamic.

Scene 2 - Verdell Returns Home

Overall: 7.0
Concept: 6
Plot: 7
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 6

5 INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT, ENTRANCE HALL - NIGHT 5

A group of PARTY GOERS enters -- followed by a HANDYMAN
holding Verdell who looks and finds:

SIMON
who looks up -- lights up -- and
tears up as he moves quickly toward
the group and his dog.

SIMON
Thank the good Lord... wow... my
honey... where have you been?

PARTY GOER
(thinking the greeting's
for him)
He always liked me.

As Simon goes past him to take the dog from the Handyman...
JACKIE, Frank's junior partner, barking a laugh at the Party
Goer -- VERDELL BARKING some love. As the others greet
Simon, Jackie directs the group inside. Jackie lingers,
looking on affectionately as Simon picks some awful, sticky
gunk from the dog's body... he puts Verdell down to reach
for his wallet -- the tiny DOG YAPS in protest.

SIMON
Just for a second, okay?

The DOG YAPS "no." Simon, delighted, picks him up again.

SIMON
(kissing him on the
mouth)
5.

Look at him... where was little
baby?

HANDYMAN
(smiling)
In the basement garbage bin eating
diaper shit.

Simon reacts -- then notices the Handyman, tongue in cheek,
trying to suppress his amusement.

SIMON
Go ahead, John, you earned your
fun.
(looking at Verdell)
How did he get down in the
basement? I mean even if he got on
the elevator how... ?

HANDYMAN
Maybe some nice neighbor shoved him
down the garbage chute.

SIMON
My God! No!

He stares out... Frank frustrated following.

6 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - OFFICE - NIGHT 6

Quiet -- safe -- just Melvin's voice reading aloud as he
writes.

MELVIN
'Somewhat in the dark, she had
confessed and he had forgiven. This
is what you live for, he said. Two
heads on a pillow where there is
only the safety of being with each
other. How, she wondered, could she
find such hope in the most shameful
part of her.'

He barely reacts as we hear a LOUD KNOCKING at he reads.

SIMON (O.S.)
Mr. Udall.

But Melvin's into it. His fingers flying as he reads.

MELVIN
'At last she was able to define
love. Love was... '
6.

More KNOCKING.

SIMON (O.S.)
Mr. Udall, I'd like to talk to you
please.

MELVIN
'Love was... '

He almost has the rest of the sentence -- the meaning of
love -- but the knocking throws him.

MELVIN
... Son-of-a-bitch-pansy-assed-
stool-pusher.

He burst from his chair.

Genres: ["comedy","drama"]

Summary Simon is reunited with his beloved dog, Verdell, after he was missing. Meanwhile, Melvin is interrupted while reading and writing in his apartment.

Strengths "The contrasting scenes between Simon's joy and Melvin's frustration create an interesting dynamic. The dialogue is humorous."

Weaknesses "The scene feels a little disconnected from the larger story. There is not much conflict or emotional impact."

Critique Overall, the scene has some issues with dialogue and pacing. The dialogue feels a bit unnatural and forced, particularly when Simon speaks to Verdell and when he talks to the Handyman. The pacing feels uneven and rushed in some places, particularly when Jackie directs the group inside and when Simon picks gunk from Verdell's body. However, the scene does effectively convey Simon's love for his dog and his relief at finding him, and Melvin's interruption adds an element of tension and humor. Overall, the scene could benefit from some revisions to improve the dialogue and pacing.

Suggestions First, it would be beneficial to provide more specific character descriptions for the Party Goers, Handyman, and Jackie to help differentiate them and make them more memorable to the audience. This can be achieved through small details in their appearance or actions.

Second, the dialogue between Simon and the Party Goer could be made clearer by adding more context to the interaction. It is not immediately clear why the Party Goer thinks Simon's greeting is meant for him, and this could be clarified with a small action or line of dialogue.

Third, some of the actions in the scene could be more clearly blocked for the audience's understanding. For example, it is not clear why Simon puts Verdell down to reach for his wallet, and adding a simple action such as a pocket pat could help clarify this.

Finally, the transition between the two scenes could be made smoother to avoid the abrupt switch in tone. This could be achieved by adding a visual or auditory cue to signal the change in setting and character focus.

Scene 3 - Confrontation with Melvin

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 9
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 8

7 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK) - HALLWAY - NIGHT 7

As Simon hears MELVIN through the door and takes a step
back. Melvin throws open the door. He looks demonic.

MELVIN
(loud and angry)
Yeeeess!!!

SIMON
Maybe this can wait.

Frank signals encouragement as Melvin opens the door.

SIMON
I found Verdell, Mr. Udall.

MELVIN
Well, that's a load off.

Melvin walks back into the apartment and is about to close
the door when Simon has another burst of bravery.

SIMON
Did you... do something to him?

MELVIN
Do you realize that I work at him?

SIMON
(eyes downcast)
No, I didn't.
7.

MELVIN
Do you like to be interrupt when
you are danging around in your
little garden?

SIMON
No... actually, I even shut the
phone off and put a little piece of
cardboard in the ringer so no one
can just buzz me from d...

MELVIN
Well, I work all the time. So
never, never again interrupt me.
Okay? I mean, never. Not 30 years
from now... not if there's fire.
Not even if you hear a thud from
inside my home and a week later
there's a smell from in there that
can only come from a decaying body
and you have to hold a hanky
against your face because the
stench is so thick you think you're
going to faint even then don't come
knocking or, if it's election night
and you're excited and want to
celebrate because some fudge-packer
you dated has been elected the
first queer President of the United
States... and he's going to put you
up in Camp David and you just want
to share the moment with someone...
don't knock ... not on this door.
Not for anything. Got me.
Sweetheart?

SIMON
Yes. It's not a subtle point you're
making.

MELVIN
Okay, then.

Melvin enters his apartment and slams the door shut.

SIMON
So the theory of confrontations is
that now he'll think twice before
messing with me?

Frank smiles affectionately. Simon turns serious.

SIMON
He's genuinely upsetting, isn't he?
8.

FRANK
Won't worry about it. You go ahead.

Frank waits till Simon EXITS SCENE and then knocks loudly on
Melvin's door. There is a sharp change in his demeanor.

MELVIN (O.S.)
Oh, I'm pissed!! Now I am really
pissed!!!

Frank waits patiently as Melvin jerks his door back open.
Frank immediately grabs Melvin by his shirt and jerks him
forward... Melvin is scared. Operating on survival mode.

MELVIN
No touch. No touch. No touch.

FRANK
You may think you can intimidate
the whole world with your attitude,
but I grew up in Hell. My
grandmother had more attitude. You
don't intimidate me.

MELVIN
(calling)
Police! Police! Fucking crooked
police... doughnut-munching morons
help me!
(to Frank)
Assault and battery and you're
black.

FRANK
Shhhh now. I like Simon. I like him
enough to batter you unrecognizable
if you verbally abuse him or so
much as touch his dog again.
Meanwhile, I'll try and think how
you can make this up to him.
(suddenly loud)
I hate doing this. I'm an art
dealer.
(beat)
Have a nice day. Party!

He tosses Melvin back and walks out. Melvin straightens his
shirt as he steps out into the hall. Frank smiles as he re-
enters the other apartment. Melvin appears impressed.
9.

8 EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET NEAR CAROL'S RESTAURANT - DAY 8

A crowded and dirty street and here comes Melvin. His walk
is brisk -- an animal wanting to pass through the danger
without giving off the scent of its mounting fear. At times
he places his palms together and extends his arms cutting a
path through people. We will be very pointed in the fact
that he avoids stepping on cracks.

CLOSER ON MELVIN

His eyes focused on the terrain.

Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Simon confronts Melvin about mistreating Verdell, leading to a heated exchange and Frank stepping in to defend Simon. Later, Melvin is shown walking through a crowded street, with a focus on his avoidance of cracks.

Strengths "The tense confrontation between Simon and Melvin shows the audience the conflict between the two characters and builds tension. Frank's defense of Simon adds another layer to the scene, and Melvin's avoidance of cracks in the street reinforces his character's quirks."

Weaknesses "The scene does not have a clear emotional impact or significant plot advancement, and Melvin's lengthy monologue may come across as excessive or unrealistic."

Critique Overall, this is a well-written scene that effectively builds tension and develops character. The dialogue between Simon and Melvin highlights Melvin's volatile temperament and Simon's attempts to navigate his behavior. The introduction of Frank provides a contrast to Melvin's aggressive personality and offers a glimpse into his past. The scene ends with Melvin's nervous walk, emphasizing his need for control and avoidance of perceived danger.

One potential critique is that the dialogue between Melvin and Simon can feel a bit long-winded and repetitive. While it effectively establishes Melvin's no-nonsense attitude and Simon's fear, it could benefit from some streamlining or more dynamic action to break up the talking. Additionally, the use of slurs (e.g. "fudge-packer") for comedic effect may not sit well with some audiences and could be considered insensitive.

Overall, though, this scene effectively sets up the conflicts and relationships that will drive the story forward.

Suggestions 1. Emphasize physical actions to enhance the tension and character development: In this scene, the dialogue carries much of the weight. However, by incorporating more physical actions such as body language, gestures, or movements, the tension can be heightened. For example, Melvin's body language can reflect his increasing fear as Frank confronts him, or Simon can display more bravery by standing up to Melvin physically.

2. Consider pacing: This scene has a lot of dialogue, which can be tonally heavy. A way to combat that is to vary the pacing of the dialogue. Interspersing moments of silence or physical action can help break up the dialogue and add to the tension.

3. Use the setting to enhance the tone: This is a scene set in a hallway, which is crucial to the tension and confrontation in this scene. Utilizing the location to create a claustrophobic or cramped feeling can help add to the tension.

4. Use character actions to reveal character: This scene is a crucial moment for Frank and Simon's relationship with Melvin. A way to enhance the characters' development is to showcase Frank's tough exterior and Simon's bravery further. Additionally, Melvin's increasing fear in his physical actions can reveal aspects of his character and motivate his actions later in the film.

Scene 4 - Melvin crosses a line

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 7
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 8

9 INT. CAROL'S RESTAURANT - DAY 9

ANGLE ON WAITRESS

CAROL CONNELLY talks with another MOTHER -- a customer. You
would not guess it, but her working hours tend to be the
most carefree time of the day. She is telling a story about
her son for the umpteenth time.

CAROL
(to the Mother's little
girl)
Look at you, you're all better.

MOTHER
It's that new medication.

CAROL
You know all my son's stuff, right?

The Mother nods too sympathetically that she does, but Carol
interrupts her.

CAROL
No, no, no, I got a date tonight.
I'm walking out the door this
morning and he says to me, 'Mom, I
promise not to get one of my fevers
or coughs during your date.'

MOTHER
Isn't that sweet.

CAROL
Little blonde angle.
(to child,
affectionately)
Eat everything.
10.

Melvin enters and moves past several empty tables to a table
towards the back and is obviously surprised to find a MAN
and WOMAN sitting at the table.

WOMAN
It just came out of me. I said you
love me the way a remote control
loves a TV. As long as I switch
every time...

HER MALE COMPANION
Wonderful.

MELVIN
People who talk in metaphors can
shampoo my crotch.
(on their look)
Eat up.

They turn away -- Melvin walks a few paces to the waitress
station where two waitresses, LISA and CAROL, are talking.

LISA
Pay me back next week.

CAROL
I owe you. I told you today...
them's the rules. Oh, excuse me,
Melvin.

She puts two hands lightly on his waist to move him out of
the way. He gulps at the contact (since no one else ever
touches him) but covers his self-consciousness.

MELVIN
I'm starving.

CAROL
(firmly to Lisa)
Will you please take it?

Melvin intentionally moves a step in her path, with stealth,
so that she must touch him again to get him out of the
way...

LISA
This way you take a cab home so you
have time to get ready for the
date.

CAROL
"Ready" is not my problem.
11.

She barks a mirthless though hearty laugh. If we could read
Melvin which we can't, we'd see him unsettled by the date
talk. To Carol he is as harmless as furniture.

CAROL
(to Melvin)
Go sit down. You know you're not
allowed back here... Spencer's
more excited about it than I am...
He says, "Mom, I promise not to get
a fever or couch during your date."

The other WAITRESSES and the SHORT ORDER COOK all go "awww."

CAROL
I know. He's just the best.

MELVIN
I've got Jews at my table.

CAROL
It's not your table. It's the
place's table. Behave. This once,
you can sit at someone else's
station.

The two waitresses signal their protests.

CAROL
Or you can just wait your turn...

Melvin walks back into the restaurant proper... he hangs
near their table... his discomfort builds in this limbo...
then:

MELVIN
How much more you got to eat? Your
appetite isn't as big as your
noses, is it?

WOMAN
What?!!

MAN
(to Woman)
Let's go --

The Woman starts to protest.

MAN
Let's leave. We're going.
12.

Melvin sits down at the table -- and takes from his pocket a
plastic eating utensil set wrapped and sealed. As he opens
his utensils.

CAROL
Bryan says he doesn't care how long
you've been coming you ever act
like this again you're barred for
life. I'm gonna miss the
excitement, but I'll handle it.

There is in Carol's attitude toward Melvin some ingredient
of self-satisfaction -- that she is the only one in the
place who can handle him. She starts to clear the table.

MELVIN
The table's fine if it had some
cholesterol on it. Two sausages,
six bacon strips, fries, three eggs
over easy and coffee.

CAROL
You're gonna die soon with that
diet, you know that?

MELVIN
We're all gonna die soon. I will.
You will. It sure sounds like your
son will.

ON CAROL
Stunned. Some crazy street-freak
has slipped under her perfect guard
and momentarily devastated her.
Melvin senses that he's gone way
too far. He wipes his knife.

CAROL
If you ever mention my son again,
you will never be able to eat here
again. Do you understand? Give me
some sign you understand or leave
now. Do you understand me...
(adds truthful label)
you crazy freak? Do you?!?

A beat and then Melvin nods, hardly breathing -- backing
down.

CAROL
Okay. I'll get your order.

She walks away. Melvin watches her, biting his lower lip. He
takes some napkins and cleans the table himself.
13.

Genres: ["drama","comedy"]

Summary Melvin goes to Carol's restaurant and causes trouble with his rude behavior. He insults a couple at a nearby table and makes a cruel comment about Carol's son. Carol warns him to never mention her son again and Melvin backs down.

Strengths "The tension is palpable in this scene and the dialogue is sharp and impactful. The characters are well-defined, with Carol and Melvin standing out in particular."

Weaknesses "The scene doesn't do much to move the plot forward and some of Melvin's behavior can feel gratuitously cruel."

Critique Overall, this scene is well-written with clear and concise dialogue that effectively conveys the characters' personalities, relationships, and emotions. The use of metaphors and insults adds layers of humor and tension to the scene. The physical interactions with the characters, such as Melvin being touched by Carol or sitting at someone else's station, also help to create a sense of discomfort and unease.

However, one potential critique is that the scene could benefit from clearer transition cues between certain actions and dialogue. For example, when Melvin walks back into the restaurant proper after talking to the waitresses, the scene could use a transitional cue that indicates a passage of time or change in setting. Additionally, the scene could benefit from more specific physical descriptions of the characters and their surroundings to better ground the reader in the scene.

Overall, though, this scene effectively uses dialogue and physical interactions to create tension, humor, and character depth.

Suggestions Overall, this scene feels a bit disjointed and lacks flow. Here are some suggestions to improve it:

1. Clarify the location: The scene opens with "INT. CAROL'S RESTAURANT - DAY," but it's not clear where in the restaurant these characters are located. Consider adding some description to orient the audience.

2. Develop the characters: Carol and Melvin are the primary characters in this scene, but we don't know much about them except that Carol is a waitress and Melvin is a customer. Consider adding some backstory or some details that help us understand who they are and why they behave the way they do.

3. Add conflict: Carol and Melvin have a brief exchange about her son, but it doesn't really go anywhere. Consider adding more conflict or tension to the scene. Maybe Melvin is being difficult about his order, or Carol is having a bad day and Melvin is exacerbating it.

4. Use dialogue to reveal character: Carol and Melvin's conversation is mostly surface-level. Consider using dialogue to reveal more about their personalities. Do they have unique speech patterns or verbal tics? Do they have strong opinions on certain topics?

5. Pace the scene: The scene feels a bit static, with the characters mostly just standing and talking. Consider adding some movement or action to keep things interesting. For example, maybe Carol is clearing tables or Melvin is fidgeting with his utensils.

By making these changes, you can create a scene that feels more dynamic and engaging, with characters that are fully realized and interesting to watch.

Scene 5 - A vulnerable moment

Overall: 7.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 6
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 5

10 INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 10

She is underneath a YOUNGER, cuter MAN on the living room
sofa. He is expertly into foreplay. She begins to make
noises as she responds... each time startling herself with
her own noise and trying to reign it in.

She's two women here -- one speeding the pleasure highway --
the other -- functional mom so blown away by the emergence
of this sexy self that she laughs. The Young Man stops and
looks at her.

YOUNG MAN
What?

CAROL
I... I... I don't know... You
got me.

His eyes try to burn into hers... She is getting excited but
doesn't know how to play it... He pushes one of the fingers
of the hand caressing her face toward her mouth... She
closes her teeth, his fingers attempt opening her mouth. She
stops him.

CAROL
Let me just do whatever I do by
myself... I'll catch up to you
someplace I promise.
(as he's put off)
Oh, no... don't look like that.
No. I'm sorry if I'm a goof.

And so with earnestness and caring, she has transformed the
sex into something more intimate -- and, talk about egg in
your beer, hotter. Things are getting wild when we hear from
the distance a child, SPENCER, CALLING and

COUGHING.

CAROL
Kissing... kissing boys. Oh my.

Carol pulls her head away -- as Spencer's call continues.

SPENCER (O.S.)
(softly)
Grandma, grandma...

YOUNG MAN
Maybe you better check.
14.

CAROL
Like what did you think I was going
to do?

11 INT. HALLWAY/BEVERLY'S ROOM - NIGHT 11

Pulling herself together she goes off down the hallway...
she ducks her head into the first bedroom where her mother,
BEVERLY, is listening to music on headphones... she takes
them off when she sees Carol, then hears the cough.

BEVERLY
I'm sorry. I was hearing just
everything you were doing so I put
these on to give you privacy.

Carol now goes into her son's room.

12 INT. SPENCER'S ROOM - NIGHT 12

The room is a monument to horrible, sleepless nights... two
drugstore de-humidifying filters, a nebulizer (breathing
contraption) a waste basket... a night stand filled with
medicine, a blood pressure kit... along with some stacks of
seven-year-old toys and a small TV wedged into the tiny
space.

SPENCER
I'm sorry.

CAROL
Don't be silly. How bad?

SPENCER
Not bad.

Carol feels his head... that's okay. Then he coughs --
trying to suppress it... then a bigger cough... they each
know what that signals... She brings up a waste basket as
he throws up... she comforts him. He apologizes. She loves
him.

13 INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 13

As she re-enters. He is taking a cigarette from a pack.

CAROL
(a bit panicked)
You can't smoke... He can't take
smoke.

He palms the cigarette -- resumes making out -- his hand
squeezes her breast -- then he stops and looks at his hand.
15.

She looks down and sees a bit of throw-up he picked up while
feeling her and then notices him looking at her with extreme
distaste... She barks a laugh to cover her embarrassment
but speaks the truth.

CAROL
Oh, God... I don't even notice
anymore.

She crosses to the kitchen for a dishtowel. Tries to make
light.

CAROL
That'll teach you.

YOUNG MAN
Don't apologize.

CAROL
(perturbed)
That wasn't an apology.

She notices his demeanor -- how he avoids looking at her --
how uncomfortable he is.

CAROL
Hey... this is just a little throw-
up -- it's nothing to be so
embarrassed about. Really.
(as he shifts
uncomfortably)
Thanks for the dinner. Let me write
down which trains you take to get
back.

YOUNG MAN
No way.

She brightens.

YOUNG MAN
I'll take a cab.

She deflates as he moves past her.

YOUNG MAN
Too much reality for a Friday
night.

Genres: []

Summary Carol is interrupted during a romantic moment with a younger man by her sick child.

Strengths "Intimate and vulnerable moment that delves deeper into Carol's character and relationships."

Weaknesses "Slow pacing, lack of major plot developments."

Critique As an AI language model, I do not have personal opinions or emotions, so I cannot critique this scene in the way that a human screenwriting expert could. However, I can provide guidelines for writing a successful screenplay.

When it comes to writing a sex scene, it's important to consider the overall tone of the film or TV show. The scene should be aligned with the tone of the script and the characters involved. In this scene, the two women are in a transformative phase where one of them is exploring her sexuality, while the other is juggling her personal and parental responsibilities.

The scene could use more context and character development to make it more compelling and interesting. The introduction of the child and his illness, while effective in showing Carol's commitment to her responsibilities, disrupts the flow of the scene and turns it in a different direction. It may be more effective to save this subplot for another scene and let this moment between Carol and the younger man be an exploration of her new sexual side.

Also, the dialogue could use some work to make it sound more natural and believable. The lines spoken by the characters seem contrived and not true to life. The dialogue should be authentic to the characters speaking it and the overall tone of the script.

Overall, this scene is a good starting point but could benefit from some revisions to make it more effective and engaging.

Suggestions As an AI language model, I do not have any preference or inherent knowledge in screenwriting. However, based on general guidelines and principles, here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more clarity to the characters: It is unclear who Carol is, what her age is, or what she does for a living. It is also not clear if the younger man is a complete stranger or someone she knows. Adding more clarity to their characters through dialogue or actions will help the audience understand and relate to them better.

2. Give more context to the scene: There is no context given about why Carol is having sex with this man or why she suddenly has to attend to her son. Adding a bit of backstory or establishing some motivations will help with the audience's engagement and understanding of the scene.

3. Be mindful of the tone: The scene starts off as a sexual encounter but suddenly takes a serious turn when Carol's son calls out to her. Balancing the tone of the scene can be tricky, but the transition should be smoother and more organic.

4. Show, don't tell: The exchange between Beverly and Carol could have been more visual, showing how Beverly was listening to music or how Carol looked before and after going into her son's room. It will help the audience understand the characters' emotions and reactions without explicitly stating them.

5. Consider the pacing: The scene feels a bit rushed, with little time to build momentum or create tension before the abrupt interruption. Slowing down the pacing, creating more anticipation or foreshadowing, can make the scene more impactful.

Scene 6 - Model Shoot

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 6
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 8

14 EXT. HOLLAND TUNNEL - NIGHT 14

A cold night in hell. Three young men bullshit near the
approach to the tunnel.
16.

Their names are VINCENT, EVAN and DOUG, who is the oldest at
28. Vincent is dopey and the most likeable of the gritty
little trio.

EVAN
Why is every customer surprised I
read books?

DOUG
(amazed)
You read books?

EVAN
Oh, wow! I know this guy! Look! He
even bought me dinner.

They all focus on a black BMW as it slows and stops in front
of them. CARL checks them out carefully through the front
window. He is talking on the speaker phone.

CARL
(slightly exasperated)
Look, I just can't. I promised
Simon I'd find him a model.

FRIEND (V.O.)
(on speaker phone,
flirting)
Carl, take me off the speaker. Did
I tell you that these are house
seats? C'mon, you could use a
break. Hello... Carl, are you
there... hello?

Seeing the hustlers:

CARL
. ... I just found a model.

DOUG
(to Carl)
Hey, how it's goin'...

EVAN
Hey, hi... remember?

CARL
I only need one.

EVAN
You picked me up, maybe a few
weeks, I don't know, some time ago.
You were very flattering about
our... encounter.
17.

CARL
Maybe just you and me... but this
is for a painting. I need a pretty
face.

Carl beckons to Vincent who joins him, trying to conceal his
pride at winning this lowest end of beauty contest.

15 INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT - DAY 15

There is a KNOCK at the door -- Simon crosses to answer. He
is more relaxed than we've seen him -- a man at peace
humming to his favorite music, talking to his dog who
scratches at the door. Simon opens the door to Vincent.

SIMON
Sorry, I was out in the studio
doing some work and I forgot about
our appointment.

He leads the way back toward the studio -- chatting away --
unaware that Vincent is disrobing as he follows him and
eyeing the expensive apartment.

SIMON
I usually make such a big deal out
of picking models but Carl's so
thorough. I'll bet he drove you
nuts checking your references.

And he turns and sees the naked model.

SIMON
(taken aback)
This isn't a nude.

Vincent moves back to retrieve his clothes.

VINCENT
Just kidding around.
(then mutters)
So much for love.

16 INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT - STUDIO (MINUTES LATER) 16

Vincent is striking blatantly sexual poses to the
increasingly uneasy Simon.

SIMON
Exactly what is your previous
experience?
18.

VINCENT
How about that pose?
(sing-song)
This is not fun...
(then)
Give me some direction.

Vincent has instinctively put Simon on the defensive. He
tries not to show it.

SIMON
Nothing. I just watch till
something strikes me. Do anything
you think of -- try different
thing. Until I say, "hold that
pose." Then just try and
comfortably hold it.

VINCENT
(trying another space)
The fact that you haven't said,
"hold it" means I haven't done it
right... is that correct? I
haven't done it right?

SIMON
No... Okay. What I do is watch and
wait for, um... You ever watch
someone who doesn't know you're
watching... an old woman on a bus,
kids going to school and you see
this flash come over them and you
know immediately that it has
nothing to do with anything
external -- that it's in respond to
a private thought they just had?
They are just sort of realer and
more alive. And when you notice it
so are you. If you look at someone
long enough, you discover their
humanity.

Vincent's slack-jawed expression changes. He feels an
intellectual tingle to be having this conversation.

VINCENT
I know exactly what you mean.

There's a joy in him at this moment -- a bit of purity.

SIMON
Hold it.
19.

Vincent does so -- hums a bit of "Satisfaction" to
celebrate.

Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Simon has hired Vincent as a model for his artwork. Vincent is flirtatious and strikes blatantly sexual poses, making Simon uneasy. Simon tries to direct Vincent while explaining his artistic process, which leads Vincent to have an intellectual moment of discovery.

Strengths "The dialogue between Simon and Vincent is intellectual and engaging, and the tension between them is palpable."

Weaknesses "The scene is slow-paced and does not move the plot forward significantly."

Critique Overall, this scene is well-written in terms of character development and dialogue. The use of slang and street language adds to the authenticity of the characters and their world. The introduction of Carl as a potential client is a nice touch to show their line of work.

However, there are some issues that could be addressed. First, the scene could benefit from clearer action descriptions. Some of the actions and movements of the characters are unclear, making it hard to visualize what is happening. Second, the motivations of the characters could be better established. Why are they hustling? What are their goals? What do they want?

Lastly, the transition between the exterior shot of the Holland Tunnel and the interior shot of Simon's apartment could be smoother. It's unclear what the time lapse is between the two shots or how the characters got from one location to the other.

Overall, this scene shows promise but could benefit from some fine-tuning to better establish character motivations and smooth out the action descriptions and transitions.

Suggestions 1. The scene needs more clear and concise descriptions of the characters and their actions. Instead of using vague terms like "dopey" and "gritty," use specific details to paint a picture of their appearance and personality. Also, add more physical cues to show their interactions (gestures, facial expressions, etc.).

2. The dialogue feels forced and too on-the-nose. Instead of stating things outright, try to create more natural and subtle dialogue that reveals character and moves the plot forward. Cut out any unnecessary lines that don't add to the scene.

3. The action and pacing could be improved. Consider adding more description of the environment, the weather, and the tunnel to create a stronger sense of atmosphere. Also, try to vary the pacing of the scene - perhaps by adding pauses or moments of silence - to create tension and keep the audience engaged.

Scene 7 - Confrontations and Creativity

Overall: 7.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 7
Characters: 7
Dialogue: 6

17 INT. RESTAURANT - DAY 17

Carol and LESLIE, another waitress, are waiting for their
order at the cappuccino bar. Leslie is telling the story of
the traumatic audition which may have turned her life. Carol
is rapt.

As they pass Melvin she does not break stride, nor give him
notice. Though she is aware of him -- resentfully so -- hard
not to be since he is giving a moment to moment commentary
on her every action.

MELVIN
Clippity clop -- clippity clop --
she has to pretend she doesn't hear
me. Listening to the story from the
upset friend... now she drops off
the cappuccino and smiles at the
putzette who doesn't even say,
"Thank you." No, the putzette
wanted the whipped cream so back
she goes and now she has to pass
him again and it's getting tougher
to make believe.

CAROL
(reluctant forgiveness)
Okay.

Melvin stops -- she passes behind him to deliver an
uncharacteristic rabbit punch.

CAROL
What's with the plastic picnic
ware? Why not try ours... afraid
it isn't clean?

MELVIN
I see the help -- judgement call.

CAROL
Just give yourself a little pep
talk. "Must try other people's
clean silverware as part of the fun
of dining out."

MELVIN
What's wrong with your son, anyway?

CAROL
What do you care?
20.

Melvin just looks at her.

CAROL
He's gotta fight to breathe. His
asthma can just shoot off the
charts -- he's allergic to dust and
this is New York and his immune
system bails on him when there's
trouble so an ear infection... Is
this bothering you?

MELVIN
(caught)
No.

CAROL
An ear infection can send us to the
emergency room -- maybe five, six
times a month where I get whatever
nine-year-old they just made a
doctor. Nice chatting with you.

MELVIN
His name?

CAROL
Spencer.

MELVIN
Okay.

CAROL
(quietly)
Spence.

She exits.

18 INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT - STUDIO - DAY (SEVERAL WEEKS LATER)
18

The greenhouse studio is a busy sanctuary, as Simon puts the
finishing touches on his painting of Vincent. A beat and
then a strange figure crosses between the CAMERA and the
scene -- gone before we can examine him further.

SIMON
You can put on anything you want
now. I might be sort of done
here...

Vincent quickly and expertly picks a CD to meet his
immediate needs and puts it on -- dying a little at every
second of silence during the transition... then LOUD MUSIC
PLAYS... Vincent even GOOSING the VOLUME.
21.

Simon does a take -- he gestures Vincent to take it down --
which Vincent does.

ANGLE - APARTMENT

where it is not clear that a robbery is in progress --
Vincent's two friends from the street sweeping all objects
into large sacks -- one of them, Doug, pauses to look past
the terrace to the studio.

DOUG
Lucky Vinnie -- he's a painting.

19 INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT, STUDIO - DAY 19

MUSIC PLAYS -- Simon cleaning up his stuff.

VINCENT
So you're practically finished,
huh?

SIMON
Yes... well, there's one more
stage -- trying to figure out if
it's any good.

Simon sneaks a look at the canvas from another
perspective... he focuses -- then the smallest shy nod of
self-approval -- he's finished. Vincent is desperate to
distract.

CLOSE ON dog as Verdell awakens, stretches and pricks his
ears. He moves quickly to the closed door and starts to
frantically scratch, attracting Simon's attention.

As Simon keeps walking... Vincent shoots over to the
canvas.

VINCENT
Wait -- I want to see the painting.

SIMON
Just a second -- he has to go.

VINCENT
Please!! NO!!!

Simon opens the door and Verdell shoots out like a bullet.
Vincent pauses before the painting and is thrown to see his
humanity captured -- to be "immortalized."
22.

Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Melvin causes trouble at Carol's restaurant, Simon finishes his painting of Vincent, and Vincent is captivated by his own portrait.

Strengths "The tension between Melvin and Carol adds a new layer to the story, and Simon and Vincent's dynamic continues to be interesting."

Weaknesses "The plot feels stagnated, with few significant developments."

Critique Overall, this scene shows strong character development and tension. The dialogue between Melvin and Carol is well-written and natural, and the revelation of Carol's son's health issues adds depth to her character. The introduction of the figure crossing the camera adds intrigue and foreshadowing for later events. However, the transition to the robbery happening in the background feels abrupt and disconnected from the rest of the scene. It may have been smoother to introduce this plot point earlier or in a separate scene to avoid disrupting the flow of the conversation between Simon and Vincent.

Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Provide more visual description to help the audience better understand the setting and actions. For example, what does the cappuccino bar look like? What kind of restaurant are they in? Are there any unique details about the surroundings that could add character to the scene?

2. Clarify who the characters are to avoid confusion. Who is Melvin? Who is Simon? It's important to establish their identities early on in the script.

3. Develop the dialogue to make it more natural and organic. Some of the lines feel forced and stilted, such as "Just give yourself a little pep talk." Try to make it sound more like real conversations people would have.

4. Cut down on the use of expository dialogue, where characters explain things the audience already knows. For example, when Carol explains her son's medical condition to Melvin, it feels like she's reciting information the audience already knows, rather than having a natural conversation.

5. Consider adding more action or movement to the scene to keep it visually interesting. Right now, much of the scene takes place with characters standing around talking, which can be boring to watch on screen. Adding more movement, such as characters walking around or doing something with their hands, can help make the scene more dynamic.

Scene 8 - Attack and Confession

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 8
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 7

20 INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY 20

Doug and Evan are nearly to the front door as VERDELL stops
them with a vicious GROWL and BARK.

Simon is distracted -- looking down at his pet so that he
continues to walk toward Doug and Evan, not noticing them --
Vincent, terribly afraid, appears behind Simon.

SIMON
(to Vincent)
What's the matter, sweetheart?

He instantly stops. Shocked. Frozen. His eyes on the
stranger, Doug, looking at him. Now Vincent comes in. Doug
greets him.

DOUG
Yo.

Simon turns to Vincent.

SIMON
Why are you doing this?

VINCENT
No. No. No. Hey, that painting in
there... I just want to tell
you...

Now Evan appears holding a brass hat rack.

EVAN
(to Vincent)
What are you doing? Cruising him?

And he uses the hat rack first as a spear, then as a club,
as the brief savage attack begins.

ON VERDELL
as he starts to go toward Simon and
then scurries back in fear. The
three attackers leave. Now silence.
A single BARK from VERDELL.

21 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK) - HALLWAY - DUSK 21

A mass of OFFICIAL PEOPLE clutter the hall as a gurney is
whisked down to the elevator. It's impossible to tell if
Simon is awake or dead. Melvin is standing against the wall
near his door a cop, RAY, interviewing him.
23.

RAY
Okay. So you call 911 and don't
leave your name -- even a dumb
geezer should know that emergency
automatically pulls up your name.
How come you make a mistake like
that?

MELVIN
How come you're pretending to do
cop work -- 'cause I don't think
you could find your ass if you were
spotted the hole.

RAY
(stunned)
What?

MELVIN
Just move on. No one here killed
him.

RAY
Oh, is he dead?

MELVIN
Ask him.

RAY
We will if we can and if we can't,
we'll come back and ask you again
and again.

22 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK) - HALLWAY - 22

23 ANOTHER ANGLE - NIGHT 23

Frank standing upset, anxious, holding a dog bowl, a leash
and VERDELL, who is more upset making pathetic little CRYING
SOUNDS.

As we FOCUS BRIEFLY ON Verdell... Frank is talking to the
Sweet-Faced Woman.

SWEET-FACED WOMAN
I've been praying for him since I
heard.

FRANK
So I've got to get to the hospital.
If you could take the dog just for
tonight.
24.

SWEET-FACED WOMAN
Oh, Lord -- I've got all these
antique knick-knacks... Or else
I'd be glad...

FRANK
Maybe if you kept locked in the
bathroom. No? Okay. Thanks.
(as he turns away and she
closes the door he adds)
Old bitch... Damn dog.

A short laugh makes us realize that Melvin has witnessed and
enjoyed Frank's hostile mutterings...

VERDELL starts WHIMPERING as a pissed Frank approaches his
mugger:

FRANK
You're taking him... yes...
you're taking him -- this will
clear the books. One night. You
want to say "no" to me? Try...
because I've never felt as nuts as
I do right this second. I almost
want you to try saying "no."

MELVIN
(quietly)
I'm not saying nothing to you.

FRANK
Thanks for looking after him.

Frank pushes open the door to Melvin's apartment and places
Verdell inside.

24 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 24

MUSIC IN: as Frank pulls the door partially closed to block
Verdell's escape.

The music represents Verdell's state of mind -- trapped in
the apartment of the man who tried to kill him. We STAY with
the dog during the O.S. dialogue: As his head turns in panic
we see his various POVs as the dialogue continues O.S.

MELVIN (O.S.)
Hey, where are you going? You can't
do this.
(calls after Frank)
I can't take a dog.
(a confession)
Nobody's ever been in here before.
25.

FRANK (O.S.)
(threatening)
You don't want to mess with me
today. I'll figure something else
out tomorrow.

25 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 25

Melvin enters -- the dog cowers in the shadows. Now Melvin
sees him.

MELVIN
You're dead!!

VERDELL STOPS -- gives Melvin wide berth -- slinking along
the far wall. Melvin finds Verdell's fear of him a bit
calming.

MELVIN
I don't have dog food. And I won't
want dog food here. You'll eat what
we have. You'll eat what we eat.

Melvin exits. Verdell is in a major funk.

26 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - NIGHT 26

Melvin breaks two eggs over a large pile of prime chopped
meat, sticks raw pieces of bacon into it and exits the room.

MELVIN
Don't you touch anything.

Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Melvin witnesses an attack on Simon and later takes care of Verdell, whom he tried to kill. He confesses that he has never let anyone into his apartment and doesn't have dog food, causing Verdell to be afraid.

Strengths "The tension between Melvin and Verdell is intriguing and builds on the previous conflict. The characterization of Melvin is complex and compelling."

Weaknesses "The scene could benefit from more clarity and context on the attack on Simon and its repercussions."

Critique Overall, the scene has some good moments of tension and conflict, particularly with the attack on Simon, but it could benefit from some clarity in the character motivations and actions. For example, it is not entirely clear why Vincent is trying to talk to Simon about a painting, and the sudden use of the hat rack as a weapon feels a bit abrupt and confusing. Additionally, there could be more development of the relationship between Melvin and Verdell, as the sudden shift from Melvin trying to kill the dog to caring for it feels a bit rushed. Some more subtle hints at Melvin's changing attitude towards the dog could help to build that out more believably. Finally, the dialogue could be tightened and made more specific to these characters, as some lines (particularly from Ray) feel like generic cop dialogue rather than something unique to this story and these characters.

Suggestions First, it's important to establish clearer character motivations and emotions. In this scene, it's not entirely clear why Vincent is so nervous and what he wants to tell Simon. Adding more depth to their conversation could make the attack more meaningful and impactful. Additionally, it would be helpful to further establish the relationship between Simon and Vincent so that the audience can understand why Vincent would come to Simon's apartment in the first place.

Secondly, the physical action of the attack could be more clear and suspenseful. Adding more sensory details could make the audience feel more immersed in the scene and invested in the characters. For example, describing the sound of the hat rack hitting Simon or the smell of Verdell's fear could add more depth to the scene.

Finally, the transition between the attack and the scene at the hospital is abrupt and confusing. It's not clear how much time has passed and what the characters are feeling. Adding some more details about the aftermath of the attack and how it affects the characters could make the scene more emotionally impactful.

Scene 9 - Melvin's Apartment and Hospital Visit

Overall: 7.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 7
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 6

27 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 27

Verdell cringing as his new master approaches -- MUSIC
CONTINUES ominously. Melvin sets the bowl down and exits...
Verdell breathes excitedly though looking alternately in all
directions... his recent past making him suspect this feast
is a trick. He sniffs cautiously -- then dives in -- GOTHIC
MUSIC CHANGING on a dime TO SCORE his RAPTURE... from O.S.
we hear the sound of RUNNING WATER as steam escapes the
bathroom -- then MUSIC OUT -- as Melvin returns... ignoring
Verdell he sits at the piano and his one key repeatedly.
It's odd. Verdell shifts his body so he is eating from the
bowl with his tail to Melvin. Then Melvin begins to play and
sing Monty Python's "Always Look On The Bright Side Of
Life," with its cheerful whistle refrain. Verdell looks over
with surprise and pleasure. But just as mood lifts and
warmth threatens, Melvin stops abruptly, turns out the
lights and exits.
26.

28 INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY 28

Frank on the phone.

FRANK
(into phone)
Put the solid red dots on three of
them and the hold blue dots on two
others... Well, we're not going to
sell anything if they know we're
two weeks into a show and have no
sales. No, you can't reduce a price
at this stage... We're in free
fall here. Any calls?

JACKIE
We can see him.

FRANK
I'll meet you in there.

29 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY 29

As Jackie enters.

JACKIE
How you doing, great one?

SIMON
I haven't looked at myself yet. I
figured I could tell from your
reaction.

He turns toward her. Much of his body -- taped -- his
painting hand wrapped. Simon's face is something of a
horror. Swollen, one savage discolored cut. We are into
yuccchhh... The sight is a jolt. Jackie breaks into
tears... sobs, actually.

SIMON
That bad, huh?

They share a helpless half-laugh -- then Frank appears in
the doorway.

FRANK
Hey, hey...
(as he sees him)
Haaa... bad but temporary. The
nurses say it's much better than
you looked three weeks ago... the
hand will come back... they're
sure...
27.

SIMON
Jackie, will you hand me the
mirror?

JACKIE
(a small voice)
No.

She starts to hand him a large mirror from her purse -- then
thinks better of it.

JACKIE
Wait, I have a smaller one.

But he holds out his hand and she gives him the mirror -- he
starts to look -- then thinks better of it.

SIMON
So, what's new anyway? How's
Verdell?

FRANK
(sheepish)
Your neighbor -- Udall -- is taking
care of him.

SIMON
(suddenly alive and
upset)
How could you do that? He'll hurt
him.

FRANK
No, I promise... not a chance. I
own this guy. There was no one
else. I'm on the move too much.
Trust me.

SIMON
You are very certain my dog is
okay... because you have no
idea...

FRANK
Yes. Your dog is fine, Simon.

Simon holds the mirror poised for a moment of discovery,
then he takes a breath -- like someone about to dive
underwater. First a small, mumbled pep talk to himself.

SIMON
Okay, waiting gives the devil time.
Now!
28.

He quickly brings his hand up and looks at the mirror... he
is startled -- the bottom drops out -- leaving him awed by
his misfortune.

SIMON
Oh my... Where'd I go? Ummmm?

30 EXT. CAROL'S RESTAURANT - DAY 30

AN ESTABLISHING SHOT FEATURING Verdell tied up in front.

Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Melvin takes care of Verdell, Simon is visited in the hospital by friends

Strengths "The emotional impact of Simon's injuries and the tenderness between Melvin and Verdell are strong points of the scene."

Weaknesses "The plot feels somewhat stalled, with the scene focusing mostly on character moments."

Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I cannot determine the full context of the scene and its place in the story. However, I can offer some general feedback on the scene itself:

- The scene description is clear and helps the reader visualize the actions and setting.
- The use of music to set the tone and mood is effective.
- The dialogue seems natural and reflects the characters' personalities and situations.
- There is a clear shift in tone from ominous to hopeful, and then to a sudden ending, which creates tension and intrigue.
- The introduction of Frank's storyline in the middle of the scene may feel abrupt and disconnected from the previous actions, and it may benefit from clearer context and transition.

Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Clarify the tone: The scene starts with ominous music, which suggests danger or suspense, but then shifts to a cheerful song and a moment of warmth. It's important to establish a consistent tone for the scene so that the audience knows what to expect.

2. Add more action: There's not much action in the scene besides Verdell eating and Melvin playing the piano. Consider adding some physical tension or movement to create a more engaging scene.

3. Develop the characters: We get a brief glimpse of Simon in the hospital room, but it would be helpful to know more about his character and his relationship with Jackie and Frank. Additionally, Melvin's behavior towards Verdell is unclear - is he ignoring him out of spite, or is there another reason? Developing the characters more fully will make the scene more interesting and meaningful.

4. Consider the pacing: The scene feels a bit disconnected from the rest of the script - we go from Verdell eating to Simon in the hospital without much of a transition. Consider how this scene fits into the overall pacing of the film and adjust accordingly.

5. Add more detail: We get a sense of what's happening in the scene, but more specificity and detail would make it feel more real and immersive. For example, what does Verdell's body language look like when he's eating? How does Melvin play the piano - is he skilled or clumsy? Adding more sensory details will enhance the audience's experience of the scene.

Scene 10 - Melvin takes care of Verdell and writes

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 7

31 INT. CAROL'S RESTAURANT - DAY 31

Melvin finishing a plate of eggs, bacon and sausage with his
plastic knife and fork. Carol looks totally beat as she sets
down a cup of coffee. Melvin is craning periodically to keep
an eye of his dog.

CAROL
So what are you doing with a dog?

MELVIN
Suckered in. Set up. Pushed around.

CAROL
You're not worried that someone
might take him?

MELVIN
Well, not until now -- for Christ's
sake.

CAROL
Sorry.

MELVIN
It's okay -- I'll sit here.

He changes tables for the first time ever so that he can
keep an eye on Verdell. Carol is amazed.

CAROL
You know he's a little dog. Next
time, if Bryan's not here, you can
bring him in.

MELVIN
How old are you?

CAROL
Oh, please...
29.

MELVIN
If I had to guess by your eyes, I'd
say you were fifty.

Carol looks at him.

CAROL
And if I had to guess by your eyes.
I'd say you were kind. So, so much
for eyes. But as long as you bring
up age... how old are you?

MELVIN
(quickly)
Otherwise, you're not ugly.

CAROL
(laughs out loud)
Okay, pal... I accept the
compliment, but go easy -- my knees
start a-knocking when you turn on
the charm full blast.

MELVIN
What's with the dark?

He indicates the bags under her eyes by tapping his own.

CAROL
Dawn patrol -- major dawn patrol.
My son had a full blown attack. And
this time, for extra fun, they gave
us the wrong antibiotics, so I get
him home...

She reaches for the plate of uneaten bacon -- he goes nuts.

MELVIN
No... no... leave it... the
bacon's for the dog.

She is jolted by the insensitivity of his interruption, but
he doesn't notice, turning, almost chatty.

MELVIN
Last week I was playing the piano
for him and he likes it, and so I
decide I'm going to make a little
joke...

CAROL
You all set here?
30.

Melvin nods -- a bit frustrated about not being able to
finish his dog story. He pockets the remaining bacon.

32 EXT. NEW YORK STREET - DAY 32

As Melvin walks Verdell back home, we notice, perhaps a beat
before Melvin, a remarkably event. Verdell is avoiding the
cracks in the sidewalk.

MELVIN
It's a beautiful day for our walk.

Melvin slows -- observes the dog mirroring his behavior.

ON VERDELL
again carefully placing his paws to
avoid a crack in the sidewalk.
Melvin laughs out loud -- puts on
plastic gloves hurriedly so he can
lift the dog to eye level.

MELVIN
Don't be like me, don't you be like
me. You stay just the way you are
because you are a perfect man. I'm
gonna take you home and get you
something to eat... what you love.

ANOTHER ANGLE

FEMALE PASSERSBY
(charmed)
Ohhh. I'd like to be treated like
that.

MELVIN
(all smiles to Verdell)
Let's go home and do some writing.

33 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 33

Melvin whaling away at his computer, reading to himself with
great satisfaction as he goes.

Verdell sits at his chair, fascinated by the speed of his
master's fingers on the keyboard. He reads his writing aloud
to the dog.

MELVIN
"He turned off the gas jets and
carried her outside.
31.

He kissed her brow and when her
eyes opened and found him, he said,
'there are easier ways to break a
date.' She laughed. The only
sensible ambition he had ever known
was now realized. He had made the
girl happy. And what a girl.
'You've saved my life,' she said,
'you'd better make it up to me.'"

Exhilarated by his own words, he shuts down the machine...

MELVIN
(singing to Verdell)
Done!
(playing with him some)
Yes, I hate the doggy... yes, I
hate the doggy.

He exits.

MELVIN (V.O.)
Sixty-two books... done!

As the dog goes shooting off to the kitchen we leave our
couple's play time for...

34 INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM/LIVING ROOM/HALLWAY - DAY
34

As the rookie invalid awakens in precisely the same foul
mood he'd had on falling asleep. In the living room, the
maid, NORA, is talking with Jackie -- we catch only a few
words as they review Simon's mounting pile of bills and talk
of how long Nora can stay on.

Genres: ["drama","comedy"]

Summary Melvin takes care of Verdell, writes, and reads to him before shutting down his computer. Simon wakes up in a bad mood. In the living room, Nora and Jackie talk about Simon's financial situation.

Strengths "Melvin's character development as a caring man is showcased and adds depth to his character."

Weaknesses "The scene doesn't contribute much to the plot."

Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and engaging. The dialogue between Melvin and Carol is naturalistic and reveals a bit about their characters. However, some parts could be tightened up to improve the flow of the scene. For example, the transition between Melvin changing tables and Carol offering to let his dog come into the restaurant feels a bit abrupt. Additionally, some of the actions, such as Melvin interrupting Carol to save the bacon for his dog, could be more clearly motivated or contextualized. Overall, though, this scene effectively establishes Melvin's relationship with his dog and his commitment to his writing.

Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Make the dialogue more efficient and purposeful. Some of the exchanges, like the one about Carol's age, seem unnecessary and don't add anything to the story. Focus on moving the plot forward and developing character relationships.

2. Show, don't tell. Instead of having Melvin simply say he's finishing his plate of food with a plastic knife and fork, show a close-up of him struggling to cut his food with these utensils. Use visuals to enhance the scene and make it more engaging.

3. Add more conflict. This scene feels a bit stagnant, so consider adding some tension or obstacles to create more drama. For example, maybe Melvin is worried about someone stealing Verdell and keeps looking over his shoulder, or perhaps Carol is dealing with a difficult customer and gets frustrated with Melvin's constant questions.

4. Use the setting to create atmosphere. Carol's restaurant could be a great opportunity to create a sense of place and mood. Consider adding more details about the décor, the other customers, or the general ambiance to give the scene more depth.

5. Build relationships. This scene is a chance for Melvin and Carol to get to know each other better, so focus on developing their connection. Maybe they share a moment of vulnerability or discover a shared interest that brings them closer together. Make the scene about more than just Melvin's obsession with Verdell.

Scene 11 - Verdell's Return

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 8
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 7

35 INT. NEW YORK APARTMENT BUILDING - HALLWAY - DAY 35

Frank knocking on Melvin's door. He opens it.

FRANK
How's Verdell doing?

MELVIN
He's a pain in the ass.

As he looks over at the dog, Verdell trots over and, without
realizing it, Melvin smiles at him to Frank's surprise.

FRANK
Simon's home. I was sort of hoping
you could keep the dog until he's
had a chance to think and adjust...
32.

MELVIN
(leaping at the chance)
It's been five weeks... another
few won't kill me.

FRANK
No. He wants him back. He'll be by
tomorrow.

MELVIN
(too loudly, weirdly)
Okay by me.

Frank exits.

36 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY 36

Melvin sits -- Verdell looks up at him. Melvin walks to the
door. He turns the lock... then checks that they are
locked... checks again to make sure he turned them in the
correct direction... turns from the door... then back to
check once more. And again... and again... anguished,
until now he breaks briefly, the dog looking on.

37 INT. NEW YORK BUILDING - MELVIN'S APARTMENT - HALLWAY - DAY
37

Melvin opens the door -- looks at the scarred Simon in a
wheelchair and shudders...

MELVIN
That's some face they left hanging
on you. You look like...

SIMON
(interrupting)
Could you take it just a little
easy, Mr. Udall?

A beat of silence as Melvin thinks whether to comply.

SIMON
Thank you. Verdell... sweetheart?
(to Melvin)
By the way, thanks for saving me.

MELVIN
I called. I never touched you. I
didn't leave my name or nothing.

SIMON
(not listening)
Verdell?
33.

ON VERDELL
Totally weirded out... hiding
behind Melvin... now Melvin shifts
and Simon and Verdell see each
other... Simon smiles at the
dog... he is emotionally caught up
in the reunion.

SIMON
Hi, sweetheart.

Verdell isn't eager.

ON SIMON
The first gnawing pains of
rejection.

38 INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT - DAY 38

Simon pats his leg -- trying unsuccessfully to get Verdell
to approach him. Instead the dog goes to the door and
scratches at it. Jackie starts to pick the dog up.

SIMON
No. Please, don't force him.

JACKIE
(to dog)
You little stinker. He's given you
everything.

39 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY 39

MELVIN'S POV
Verdell's towel on the floor --
near his bowl.

BACK TO SCENE

Melvin's lips compress... he sits on the piano bench and
hits a few keys... looks at Verdell's empty spot again...
there are those who "get the joke" -- Melvin is clearly one -
- he laughs suddenly and helplessly even as he feels the
panic rise in him...

... all his painstaking success in keeping the lid on and
now it threatens to blow for a reason he articulates.

MELVIN
Over the dog... an ugly dog.

It's hilarious. But now the humor detours. An actual sob is
choked back... he gets up -- following a definite pattern
across the room.
34.

He is conducting a small but highest-stakes fight for
survival. Momentarily a scared, beaten middle-aged man -- he
races out the door.

40 EXT. NYC STREETS - DAY 40

Melvin charging as fast as crack checks allow and then
turning into a building with a copper sign reading
"Grammercy Park Psychiatric Group."

MELVIN
Worst sidewalk in New York and look
where they put in.

Genres: ["drama","comedy"]

Summary Melvin takes care of Verdell and struggles with his attachment to him. Simon visits Melvin to retrieve Verdell.

Strengths "Strong characterization and emotional depth."

Weaknesses "The scene may feel slow-paced for some viewers."

Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively conveys Melvin's inner turmoil and the tension between him and Simon regarding Verdell. However, there are some minor issues that could be improved. Firstly, there is a lack of specific visual description in some parts, which could make the scene feel more immersive. For example, it would be helpful to describe the appearance of Simon's scarred face, as this is a significant detail. Additionally, some of the dialogue feels unnatural, such as Melvin's sudden outburst about the dog being "an ugly dog."

Lastly, while the scene holds emotional weight, it lacks a clear goal or purpose in furthering the overall plot or character arcs. It could benefit from a clearer connection to the larger story and themes. Overall, with some minor adjustments, this scene could be even more effective in conveying the characters' emotions and advancing the story.

Suggestions Here are a few suggestions for improving the scene:

1. Give more context and background on the relationship between Melvin and Simon. What happened to Simon and why does he need Melvin to take care of Verdell?

2. Show more of Melvin's feelings towards the dog. Why does he agree to take care of him, and what emotional journey is he going through as he gradually warms up to Verdell?

3. Add some conflict and tension to the reunion between Simon and Verdell. Perhaps Verdell is reluctant to go back to Simon, or there is some awkwardness between Melvin and Simon. This will give the scene more depth and interest.

4. Consider cutting some of the repetitive actions and dialogue, such as Melvin checking the locks multiple times or Simon thanking Melvin for saving him. Streamlining these elements will make the scene flow more smoothly and efficiently.

5. Finally, consider adding some visual and sensory details to the scene to enhance the audience's immersion in the story. For example, describe the lighting, colors, sounds, and textures of the apartment building and psychiatric office, or focus on the physical gestures and expressions of the characters. This will help create a more vivid and engaging experience for the audience.

Scene 12 - Melvin's breakdown at the psychiatrist

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 7

41 INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - DAY 41

Melvin bursts in on the psychiatrist and emits one word.

MELVIN
Help!

DOCTOR
If you want to see me you will not
do this. You will make an
appointment...

MELVIN
Explain to me how you can diagnose
someone as "obsessive compulsive
disorder" and then act like I have
any choice in barging in.

DOCTOR
There's not going to be a debate.
You must leave.

The Doctor moves into the hallway, forcing Melvin to follow.

MELVIN
You said you could help me -- what
was that -- a tease?

DOCTOR
I can help you if you take the
responsibility to keep regular app -
-

MELVIN
(suddenly)
You changed the room around...

DOCTOR
Two years ago...
35.

Melvin shakes his head -- as if things weren't bad enough he
must go through a careful exercise noting every new element
before he's at all comfortable... as he studies each object.
The Doctor is professionally intrigued despite himself.

DOCTOR
I also regrew my beard... but
you're not interested in changes in
me... so it's like I always told
you... when it comes to people
you...

MELVIN
Shhhhhhh. I don't have this
mountain of available time... I
got to get to my restaurant on
time. Do you know how hard it is
for me to be here?

DOCTOR
Yes.
(as Melvin starts for the
office)
No.

42 INT. PSYCHIATRISTS' WAITING ROOM - DAY 42

More PATIENTS in the almost-crowded waiting room. Melvin
passes through -- visibly drawn and upset. He stops. Eyes on
them. Then:

MELVIN
(to other patients)
What if this is as good as it gets?

They look stricken. He exits.

43 INT. CAROL'S RESTAURANT - DAY 43

As he walks to his booth and sits down. Enormous relief.
CHERYL, a heavy-set waitress, reluctantly moves to his table
-- unseen by Melvin as he takes out his utensils and
arranges them. In a corner booth, four big TRANSIT AUTHORITY
POLICE are having a meal together. Cheryl looks at his
utensils.

CHERYL
What the heck are those for?

MELVIN
No. No. Get Carol.
36.

CHERYL
I'm filling in. We don't know if
she's coming back. She might have
to get a job closer to home.

MELVIN
What are you trying to do to me?

CHERYL
What the heck do you mean?

MELVIN
Hey, elephant girl, call her or
something... just let her do my
one meal here. I'll pay whatever.
I'll wait.
(as she doesn't budge; he
screams)
Do it!!!

The MANAGER comes over, gesturing to the table of police
that he can handle it. All attention is on Melvin.

MANAGER
Out. Be silent or leave.

MELVIN
I'll be quiet. Just let me wait. No
problem. Get her here -- have her
get me two sausages, four bacon,
two eggs over easy and coffee. I'm
not a prick here -- I'm a great
customer. This day is a disaster. I
can't handle this, too.

MANAGER
Get out immediately or there's
going to be trouble.

Melvin looks at the police, sizes up the hopeless situation
and rises.

MELVIN
There's going to be trouble???

He walks toward the door as Cheryl and all the other
employees applaud his defeat. As he passes a BUSBOY near the
door he hands him 20 dollars.

MELVIN
Carol's last name?

BUSBOY
Connelly.
37.

44 EXT. BROOKLYN STREET - DAY 44

An uncomfortable Melvin sitting in the back of a taxi.

MELVIN'S POV
A neighborhood in Brooklyn -- a
community. Melvin, ever the shark
observer, looks from the cab to see
slices of community life -- MEN in
front of a bar, PARENTS giving
their CHILD a ride on a mechanical
horse outside a local store -- two
YOUNG WOMEN discuss dating.

45 EXT. CAROL'S BUILDING - DAY 45

As he exits -- RINGS the BELL and is BUZZED in.

Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Melvin seeks help from his psychiatrist but struggles with changes in the room. He later has a breakdown at the restaurant and is forced to leave.

Strengths "The scene showcases Melvin's struggles with OCD and his frustration with changes. It also highlights his emotional breakdown and how it affects those around him."

Weaknesses "The scene, while important for establishing Melvin's character, doesn't move the overall plot forward much."

Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively conveys the character's OCD and the challenges he faces in seeking help from his psychiatrist. The dialogue is natural and believable, particularly in how the doctor tries to calmly handle Melvin's outburst while still setting boundaries.

One small suggestion would be to consider tightening the dialogue in some places, such as when Melvin talks about "a mountain of available time" and the doctor's response. It feels slightly repetitive and can slow down the pace of the scene. Additionally, the transition to the restaurant scene feels a bit sudden and could benefit from a smoother transition or a simple establishing shot to orient the audience.

Overall, this is a strong and engaging scene that effectively sets up Melvin's character and his struggle with OCD.

Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

- Consider adding more visual descriptions to the scene to help bring it to life. For example, what does the psychiatrist's office look like? How does Melvin react physically to the Doctor moving into the hallway?

- Try to vary the sentence structure and dialogue to give each character a distinct voice. For example, the Doctor's dialogue is quite wordy and formal, while Melvin speaks more abruptly and emotionally.

- Explore Melvin's character in more depth. Why is he so upset and drawn when he enters the restaurant? What motivates him to act the way he does? This could help make his behavior more understandable to the audience.

- Consider cutting some of the repetition in the dialogue. For example, the exchange about the Doctor's beard doesn't add much to the scene and could be trimmed down.

- Look for opportunities to add more conflict and tension to the scene. For example, what if the Doctor is less sympathetic to Melvin's condition than he initially appears? This could make their interaction more interesting and engaging for the audience.

Scene 13 - Melvin's Unwanted Arrival at Spencer's Apartment

Overall: 7.0
Concept: 6
Plot: 8
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 7

46 INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DOOR/HALLWAY - DAY 46

Carol opens the door just as he arrives on her landing. She
holds a container of ice, washclothes and a thermometer.

MELVIN
I'm hungry.
(on Carol's astonished
look)
You've upset my whole day. I
haven't eaten.

CAROL
What are you doing here?

Melvin ignores the question, instead answering a charge he
had imagined she might make...

MELVIN
This is not a sexist thing. If you
were a waiter I would still be here
saying...

CAROL
Are you totally gone? This is my
private home...

MELVIN
I am trying to keep emotions out of
this. Even though this is an
important issue to me and I have
strong feelings about the subject.
38.

CAROL
What subject? That I wasn't there
to take crap from you and bring you
eggs? Do you have any control over
how creepy you allow yourself to
get?

MELVIN
Yes, I do, as a matter of fact...
and to prove it I have not gotten
personal and you have. Why aren't
you at work? You're not sick -- you
don't look sick... just very tired
and bitter.

CAROL
My son is sick, okay?

Even saying the sentence, "My son is sick" pushes some
emotions toward the surface which are wasted on the crazy
man at her threshold.

MELVIN
What about your mother?

CAROL
How do you know about my mother?

MELVIN
I hear you talk when I'm waiting!!!

She crosses to the sink to dump the ice. Melvin takes a step
inside. Spencer, seven and looking ill, walks into the room.

CAROL
Sorry, honey... I'll be right
there.

MELVIN
(uncomfortably)
How ya doing?

Spencer just stares at him.

MELVIN
(miffed)
You should answer when someone
talks to you...

Carol eyes Melvin with disgust and disbelief then
emphatically gestures him to "clear out." Melvin backs out
the door.
39.

CAROL
Sorry. There is a limit, Melvin,
and I can't handle you teaching my
son manners.

She closes the door in his face, then walks to her son and
leads him back to his room.

47 INT. SPENCER'S ROOM 47

CAMERA MOVES TOWARD mother and son sitting on the edge of
Spencer's bed. She holds a digital thermometer to his ear.
They both count down the seconds.

CAROL AND SPENCER
4... 3... 2... 1... Bingo.

SPENCER

CAROL
We are going to treat ourselves to
a cab ride.

48 EXT. BROOKLYN SIDEWALK - ANGLE ON CAROL - DAY 48

As Carol carries her young son through a class of uniformed
KIDS from a Catholic elementary school. She spots Melvin
about to enter a cab.

CAROL
Melvin, wait!

The school kids pick up the chant in unison.

SCHOOL KIDS
Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait! Melvin,
wait!

He turns to face them.

MELVIN
Shut up, kids!

They immediately obey as Carol approaches him.

CAROL
Melvin... give us a lift. We've
got to go see our friends at the
hospital.

Melvin is thrown... he pauses a beat... then holds the
rear door open as Carol hustles the kid inside. The maneuver
puts the beet red, sweating Spencer at his face.
40.

MELVIN
I'll ride up front. Cover your
mouth when you cough, kid.

49 INT. BROOKLYN CAB - DAY 49

As they settle in and drive off.

CAROL
Brooklyn Presbyterian Hospital,
please and quickly please.

50 EXT. HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM - DAY 50

As Carol enters the hospital.

CAROL
(calling back)
I owe you three dollars.

Melvin follows behind her as she carries her son...

MELVIN
Yeah, yeah... any chance you'll
get back to work today?

CAROL
(furiously)
No!!! Stay away from me!

Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Melvin shows up uninvited to Carol's apartment and unapologetically demands food. Carol rebuffs Melvin's advances, prompting him to ask about her absence at work, resulting in Carol revealing that her son is sick. Melvin then follows Carol and her son to the hospital, where things quickly turn combative.

Strengths "The scene does a good job of setting up the tensions between Melvin and Carol and moves the plot forward as they head to the hospital together. There are also some good character moments."

Weaknesses "Melvin's behavior is often off-putting and occasionally cringe-worthy, which could be a turn-off for some viewers. Additionally, the scene lacks a clear thematic focus."

Critique Overall, this scene is well-written with strong dialogue and clear character motivation. However, there are a few areas for improvement.

Firstly, there is a lack of description and visual detail in the scene. While dialogue is important, it is also necessary to provide some visual cues for the reader. For example, in the later part of the scene when they are in the cab, it would be helpful to describe the characters' physical reactions or body language to add more depth to the scene.

Secondly, it may benefit from a clearer establishment of the location and setting at the beginning of the scene. This would help the reader better visualize the action.

Overall, this is a strong scene that effectively shows the tension and conflict between the characters, but could benefit from some additional visual detail.

Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Make the dialogue more concise and efficient. There is a lot of back-and-forth between Carol and Melvin that could be trimmed down to make the scene more dynamic and engaging.

2. Tighten up the action description. There are a lot of unnecessary details that slow down the pacing of the scene. Focus on the key actions and gestures that convey the characters' emotions.

3. Heighten the conflict. The scene would benefit from more tension and drama. One way to do this would be to give Melvin a stronger motivation for being there and trying to manipulate Carol.

4. Make the character's emotions more clear. It's hard to get a sense of Carol and Melvin's emotions from the current version of the scene. Adding more specific actions and gestures can help to convey their feelings more clearly to the audience.

Scene 14 - Financial Woes and Unwanted Advances

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 8
Characters: 7
Dialogue: 9

51 INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT - DAY 51

Verdell lies just inside the front door whimpering for
Melvin. Jackie sits across from Simon's wheel chair... she
has some index cards in her laps which she occasionally
consults and shuffles.

JACKIE
I feel terrible that I have to...
Simon? Forget about the dog for a
second.

Simon forces his attention to Jackie.

SIMON
Sorry. What are those cards?

JACKIE
(a bit embarrassed)
Frank's idea. He thought I should
have notes so I did this right...
maintained focus, didn't get
emotional and tried not to terrify
you.
41.

SIMON
(scared shitless)
Terrify me?

JACKIE
See, he's right. I need the cards.
(reading from cards)
Simon, you're broke.

ANGLE ON VERDELL

as their conversation continues -- the dog is distressed.

JACKIE (O.S.)
The medical bill are 61 thousand
now. I've spoken to your parents
and they didn't hang up or anything
-- they just said they would feel
strange calling you.

SIMON (O.S.)
Well, I can't reach them.

Verdell walks out on the terrace and looks off. He turns
for:

SIMON
(to Verdell)
Here, baby... what is it,
Verdell?... You miss the tough
guy...
(trying to be Melvin-
like)
Well, here I am, you little pissant
mop, happy to see me? How about
another ride down the chute? Oh,
God... I don't mean it,
sweetheart...
(on Jackie's look)
I'm sorry. I know...

Verdell hides behind a chair.

JACKIE
Frank loves you. You know that...
but I've spoken to him and he feels
that --
(reading from card)
-- as a businessman, with limited
resources...
42.

SIMON
I'll be able to keep my apartment
and studio, won't I?... Just tell
me.

As Jackie looks at him then thumbs for a card.

SIMON
(overwhelmed)
Wow...

Verdell has come near him -- he reaches out a hand to pet
the dog and the dog ducks.

52 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - DAY 52

He is trying to write. He can't. His world has been upset.
He walks away from his work -- a highly unusual act. He is
distressed -- and then an idea and he exits.

53 INT. PUBLISHER'S OFFICE - DAY 53

We are looking at ZOE, the receptionist. She is listening
with interest to an O.S. conversation while answering phone
calls, "Premier Publishing."

FEMALE EXECUTIVE (O.S.)
Yes, you write more than anyone
else. Yes, you make us a lot of
money, but isn't there someone more
appropriate to...

MELVIN (O.S.)
I need this. Just say, "Melvin,
I'll try," okay?

FEMALE EXECUTIVE (O.S.)
(resigned)
Melvin, I'll try.

They appear now -- the woman tall, attractive, etc. She
pauses at the elevator.

FEMALE EXECUTIVE
Now, on a pleasant note, our son
got accepted at Brown. My
husband...

MELVIN
(curtly)
Great, wonderful. I don't need you
to wait with me.
43.

She nods, pissed, waves and leaves. As Melvin waits, Zoe
summons her moxie.

ZOE
I can't resist. You usually move
through here so quickly and I have
so many questions I want to ask
you. You have no idea what your
work means to me.

MELVIN
What's it mean?

ZOE
That somebody out there knows what
it's like to be...
(taps her head and heart)
in here.

MELVIN
Oh God, this is like a nightmare.

ZOE
Aw come on, just a couple of
questions -- how hard is that?

As he hits the button, wipes his fingers, hits the button
etc.

ZOE
How do you write women so well?

MELVIN
(as he turns toward her)
I think of a man and take away
reason and accountability.

The fan is jolted as the elevator doors open and close.

54 EXT. STREET NEAR CAROL'S BUILDING - DAY 54

A depleted, exhausted Carol approaches her home. She is
suddenly wary -- SOUND DIALED DOWN -- as we MOVE CLOSER.

CAROL'S POV
A car at the curb with "MD" license
plate.

BACK TO SCENE

As Carol breaks into a run.
44.

Genres: ["drama","comedy"]

Summary Simon learns that he is broke and struggling with medical bills while Verdell pines for Melvin. Melvin has a breakdown and seeks help from his psychiatrist but ends up causing a scene at a restaurant. He later shows up uninvited to Carol's apartment and demands food, causing her to reveal that her son is sick. Melvin follows Carol and her son to the hospital, resulting in a combative situation.

Strengths "The dialogue is witty and engaging, and there are multiple interconnected storylines that add to the tension and emotional impact of the scene."

Weaknesses "There are some problematic aspects of Melvin's behavior, particularly his uninvited presence and treatment of Carol."

Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I do not have the capability to assess the quality of a scene in terms of its emotional impact and thematic relevance, but here are some observations and suggestions:

- The scene provides some necessary exposition and plot developments, but it lacks a strong emotional core and significant conflict. The dialogue and actions feel somewhat flat and perfunctory, and the characters' reactions to their situations are not fully explored or depicted.

- There is some humor and irony in Melvin's interaction with Zoe, but it also comes across as somewhat mean-spirited and dismissive. The use of a derogatory stereotype about women also feels out of place and unnecessary.

- The scene with Carol's discovery of the MD car could be more effectively conveyed through visual and auditory cues, rather than relying on a muted sound effect and her POV. This could create a stronger sense of tension and danger for the character and the viewer.

- Overall, the scene could benefit from more dramatic tension, emotional depth, and dynamic character interactions. It could also benefit from clearer stakes and consequences for the characters' decisions and actions.

Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, here are some suggestions to enhance the scene:

1. Increase the emotional stakes: While the scene in Simon's apartment sets up the financial troubles he is facing, it lacks a sense of urgency or emotional connection with the audience. To improve the scene, consider adding personal consequences that Simon faces due to his mounting debt. For instance, Simon could be at risk of losing his studio or may need to give up on his artistic dreams to pay off his medical bills. This will make the scene more relatable and emotionally resonant for the audience.

2. Make the dialogue more concise and natural: Jackie and Simon's conversation in the apartment feels stilted and overly scripted. Consider re-writing the dialogue to make it more natural and realistic, with characters interrupting each other and responding more spontaneously to one another.

3. Develop Melvin's character further: Melvin's scene in his apartment is brief and lacks depth. Consider adding more context to his situation and showing how his emotional distress is affecting his work as a writer. This will create more investment in his character and make his later actions more meaningful.

4. Increase the tension in Carol's scene: The scene where Carol sees the car with "MD" license plates could benefit from more suspense and tension. Add more build-up to the moment, potentially with ominous music or more dramatic camera angles, to make it more impactful and engaging.

5. Use visual cues to enhance the scene: Consider adding more visual elements to the scenes, such as the use of shadows, lighting, or props. For instance, adding close-ups of Verdell's distressed face during Simon and Jackie's conversation can increase the emotional intensity of the scene. Similarly, using specific camera angles or lighting cues during Carol's scene can help build tension and create a more immersive experience for the audience.

Scene 15 - The Hospital

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 8
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 7

55 INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT BUILDING, STAIRWAY/HALLWAY - DAY 55

As she bounds the stairs, comes to her apartment door and
jiggles with the keys, a strange prescient whimpering sound
coming from her. As she enters the apartment.

CAROL
Hello? Hello?

VOICE (O.S.)
Mrs. Connelly, I'm in here.

The worst confirmed, she moves down the narrow hallway, her
innards squirting the same chemicals that drives elk on
opening day of the hunting season.

56 INT. SPENCER'S ROOM - DAY 56

CAROL
What? Please? Now? Tell me?!

DR. BETTES
Mrs. Connelly. I'm Martin Bettes
... Dr. Bettes.

CAROL
Not your name... what are you
telling me your name for!! Where is
he?

DR. BETTES
He's in the bathroom... He's fine.

CAROL
(overlapping)
Tell me how bad it is. I let him go
out last night when it was so cool
without an overshirt -- just and
underone with just the straps and I
know better... and I let him talk
me into it. He was whining and...
you don't need this. Give me a
second to catch hold.

And so she does. Wow does she... and gives us some notion of
the size of her fear demon and the strength it takes to
subdue it as Dr. Bettes keeps reassuring her and she keeps
nodding... finally a deep breath as Spencer enters from the
bathroom. All at hyper speed now. Salvation as farce.

SPENCER
(to his mother)
Hi...
(they kiss)
45.

Did you know there are doctors who
come to your house?

CAROL
No, I didn't.
(to Bettes)
So why are you h...

Beverly, Carol's mother, enters the room. She is ebullient
which, if life allowed, would be her natural state.

BEVERLY
I didn't know you had a secret
admire.

CAROL
Huh?

BEVERLY
You met the gift.

SPENCER
He's good... And I'm an expert on
doctors.

CAROL
(to Spencer)
Stay out of this... Doctor?

DR. BETTES
My wife is Melvin Udall's
publisher.
(as Carol reacts)
She says I have to take great care
of this guy because you're urgently
needed back at work. What work do
you do?

CAROL
I'm a waitress.

ON Dr. Bettes' reaction her mother adds a saving grace.

BEVERLY
In Manhattan.

VOICE (O.S.)
Dr. Bettes?

DR. BETTES
In here.

A NURSE enters.
46.

NURSE
Sorry it took so long. I don't know
Brooklyn.

DR. BETTES
It's okay, Terry.
(hands her blood vail)
Tell the lab I'd like the report
back today.

Carol and her mother exchange a look of incredulity.

CAROL
You're going to get the results
today?!

MOVING SHOT
As we approach the doctor and Carol
seated across from each other at a
small table... soft voices...
relaxation. Bettes is examining
medicine bottles.

DR. BETTES
How long has he been having
problems?

CAROL
Since forever.

DR. BETTES
Have they done blood tests on him?

CAROL
Yes.

DR. BETTES
Only in the emergency room or when
he was well.

CAROL
Emergency room only.

DR. BETTES
Have they done skin testing for
allergies?

CAROL
No.

DR. BETTES
They haven't done the standard
scratch test. Where they make small
injections into the skin?
47.

CAROL
No. I asked. They said it's not
covered under my plan. And it's not
necessary anyway.

DR. BETTES
It's amazing these things weren't
done.

CAROL
Fucking H.M.O. bastard piece of
shit... I'm sorry... forgive me.

DR. BETTES
No. Actually, I think that's their
technical name.

CAROL
Once the tests come back, is there
someone I can reach in your office
for the results?

DR. BETTES
Me. My home number is on this card.

CAROL
His home number.

Carol look at her mother -- they share a laugh. Beverly has
a hard time stopping.

CAROL
(to doctor)
Do you want some juice or coffee or
two female slaves?

DR. BETTES
Water... Nobody told you it might
be a good idea to remove the
carpeting and drapes in Spencer's
room?

CAROL
No.

She starts towards Spencer's room.

DR. BETTES
You don't have to do it this
second... it's not dangerous or
anything. It's just something
that's advisable. Look, there's a
lot to be checked but...
48.

Hey, your son is going to feel a
good deal better at the very
least...

She pats his head... Then embraces him with fierce
intimacy.

CAROL
Doc!!!
(then)
So listen, you gotta let me know
about the additional costs -- one
way or the other we'll...

DR. BETTES
They're considerable. But Mr. Udall
wants to be billed.

She takes this as a blow to the heart, stomach and groin.

Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Melvin follows Carol and her son to the hospital, where Spencer is revealed to be sick and Carol is worried for him.

Strengths "The scene establishes high stakes for both Carol and Spencer, and creates a sense of tension and urgency. The characters are well-defined and the dialogue is realistic."

Weaknesses "Melvin's appearance in the hospital feels unnecessary and tangential to the plot. The scene could benefit from clearer thematic throughlines."

Critique Overall, the scene has strong emotional tension and some good dialogue, but there are a few areas that could be improved. One issue is that the action and dialogue can feel disjointed at times, with Carol's initial panic not fully explained or explored. Additionally, the scene could benefit from more clarity and specificity, particularly when it comes to Spencer's health issues and the suggested removal of carpeting and drapes. The scene also ends on a somewhat abrupt note, leaving the audience wondering how Carol will react to the news about costs. Overall, the scene has potential but could use some tightening and refining.

Suggestions Overall, I think this scene serves its purpose well. It establishes Carol's fear and anxiety for Spencer's well-being, and the introduction of Dr. Bettes adds a new layer of tension and uncertainty.

However, there are a few suggestions I have to improve this scene:

1. Clarify the prescient whimpering sound. Is it from Carol or Spencer? Is it a sound they both hear, or just Carol? This detail can add to the overall suspense and build-up of the scene.

2. Expand on Dr. Bettes' character. Who is he? What is his demeanor like? Is he comforting or aloof? Adding more details about him can make his presence feel more significant and add to the tension.

3. Slow down the pace of the scene. While I understand the urgency of the situation, the dialogue feels a bit rushed and hard to follow at times. Giving the characters more time to process the information and react to each other can make the scene feel more grounded and realistic.

4. Add more physical description. Right now, there are a lot of dialogue lines without much description of what the characters are doing or how they're reacting. Adding in more gestures, movements, and expressions can make the scene feel more dynamic and engaging.

5. Tighten up the dialogue. Some of the lines feel a bit long-winded or redundant, which can make the scene feel bloated. Streamlining the dialogue to only what's necessary can make the scene feel more focused and impactful.

Scene 16 - Hospital Visit

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 8
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 7

57 INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT - DAY 57

Simon practices walking using his cane. A tearstained Nora
hugs him good-bye.

NORA
You poor, poor man.

SIMON
Let's use just one poor, okay?
Anyway, dear, thanks for
everything. Forgive my recent
crankiness and as soon as things
are on track again I'll call.

She kisses him and starts for the door and suddenly a sharp
intake of breath -- she's forgotten something.

SIMON
What's wrong?

NORA
Who's going to walk Verdell?

Simon hadn't thought of this either.

SIMON
No, no.

58 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK) - HALLWAY - DAY 58

Nora holding her things, knocks on Melvin's door. Melvin
opens the door. Nora is still sniffling. He misinterprets.
49.

MELVIN
Is he dead yet?

NORA
No! Would there be any way for you
to be willing to walk his dog for
him?

MELVIN
Absolutely.

NORA
Not just today -- Uh, could you do
it -- until, until he gets back on
his feet?

MELVIN
Sure thing.

NORA
You're a wonderful man. Two o'clock
is a good time. Here's the key in
case he's asleep. Open the curtains
for him, so he sees God's beautiful
work and knows that even things
like this happen for the best.

MELVIN
Where'd they teach you to talk like
this -- some Panama City "Sailor
want to hump-hump bar"? Or was
today getaway day and your last
shot at his whiskey. Sell crazy
some place else -- we're all
stocked up here.

He closes the door in her face. She stands there... thrown
by the abruptness -- then lifts the two paper shopping bags
holding her things -- walks back toward the elevator --
pausing briefly outside Simon's door -- then continues on
her way.

59 INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT 59

The doctor gone, mother and daughter arguing.

CAROL
There is a seriously goofy man
behind this. You are not allowed to
block out that fact.
50.

BEVERLY
Do you really want to go back to
the runt doctors in Emergency who
keep telling us they can't help?

CAROL
It lets a crazy man into our lives.

BEVERLY
Come on. Why fight when we know how
it will come out. This isn't like
stocking or a string of pearls. You
don't send this one back.

60 EXT. NEW YORK APARTMENT - ESTABLISHING - DAY 60

Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Melvin follows Carol and her sick son to the hospital, causing a combative situation between the two.

Strengths "The scene's use of tension and conflict between Melvin and Carol builds on earlier events and raises the stakes for their relationship and for Spencer's health."

Weaknesses "The scene could benefit from more character development beyond the established traits of Melvin and Carol."

Critique The scene is well-written and serves as a bridge between two different storylines. It effectively establishes Nora's kind and caring nature, highlighting her concern for Simon's dog. Melvin's character is introduced and his rude behavior towards Nora adds a layer of complexity and tension. However, the dialogue between Melvin and Nora feels somewhat forced and unnatural, especially Melvin's outburst towards the end. The transition to Carol and Beverly's argument feels abrupt and could benefit from smoother pacing. Overall, the scene effectively moves the plot forward and sets up future conflicts.

Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, I would suggest focusing more on developing the emotional depth and conflict in these scenes.

In scene 57, instead of just showing Nora hugging Simon goodbye and mentioning his recent crankiness, explore the tension and emotions that led to this moment. Show why Simon is struggling to walk and how it affects his relationship with Nora. Maybe have a conversation between them where Simon expresses his frustrations about his condition and how it's impacting his life. By adding more emotional weight to this scene, the audience will feel more invested in Simon's journey.

In scene 58, while the dialogue between Nora and Melvin is entertaining, it feels disconnected from the rest of the scene. Instead, consider adding a moment of conflict or tension between Nora and Melvin before he agrees to walk the dog. Maybe Melvin initially refuses, or Nora has to convince him to help out. This will add more depth to their relationship and make Melvin's eventual agreement more meaningful.

In scene 59, the argument between Carol and Beverly about the doctor feels flat and generic. Instead of just having them argue about whether or not to trust the doctor, consider adding more personal details about their lives and why this decision is so important to them. Maybe Carol is scared because she's had bad experiences with doctors in the past, or Beverly is desperate to help Simon because she feels guilty about something in their past. By adding more depth to these characters and their motivations, the audience will become more invested in their story.

Overall, these scenes could benefit from deeper emotional development and more complex character relationships. By adding more depth and conflict to these scenes, the audience will become more invested in the characters and their journey, leading to a more engaging and satisfying story.

Scene 17 - Simon's Struggle

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 9
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 8

61 INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT - DAY 61

Shades drawn. Simon is a wheelchair... the PHONE RINGS. He
goes to answer... the phone across the bed so that reaching
for the phone is a brief but difficult struggle... he grunts
with pain, hope and anxiety as he answers.

SIMON
Hello?... yes... sure...
finally, huh? Why, "finally"?
Because I called you so many times.
Maybe

(relief) Oh, boy... I was hoping it was something like
that. You didn't get one of them, huh? 'Cause I mean it
wasn't only your office -- it was your home, hotel and the
cigar club you like in San Francisco. No -- Sarcastic... Of
course. I believe you. No, don't fire anyone... Please.
Maybe I'm wrong about the 20 times. Take a breath... (more)
So, you miss me a little? Hey, strike the question -- How's
the case going? Really. Fantastic. I didn't hear. I haven't
been watching. Great. Just great. I'm so happy. Whoopie! Me?
Well, I'm mending. No, I look fine. Well, some of the damage
might still be noticeable if you look closely...

He runs a hand across his scarred and still bloated and
beaten face...

SIMON
Carl, I need some help and you're
the logical one to turn to.
(aghast)
No! Not 'cause I blame you for what
happened. I hardly get how you can
ever think that. No, I'm not being
sarcastic.
(trying to figure it out)
51.

I guess because you hired the guy
who did this you think... No, I am
a sarcastic person. Well, if you
must know, the reason I said you
were the logical person is because
you always told me how you thought
I was this great person who made
you feel good about humanity and
everything. You do remembering
saying that? Well, whew. Okay, so
Carl. I hate asking but this money
thing is ridiculously serious...

He picks up an index card from his night stand and takes the
leap -- reading the text he prepared in advance.

SIMON
"Will you please loan me money? I
will pay you back. I will give you
whatever percentage of my income I
don't absolutely need until I do.
It will take a while. But I don't
know what I'll do if you say"...
that.
(as he listens)
I understand... yes... No, I do.
(a bit of boldness)
But you know, you know -- you
didn't even ask how much, Carl?
Well, Frank has no right to discuss
how much I'm in hock... no, you're
right -- not the point. So... what
have you been up to??? Uh-huh...
Oh, the group show... how was it?
Well, I'm not surprised that
there's that much talent around...
great... Look -- gotta go... no,
you shouldn't feel that way at
all... take care, you, too...
you, too... Good-bye.
(as he hangs up)
Pal o' mine.

It's very quiet.

LONG SHOT - SIMON

A lonely figure -- who now holds his good hand up to his
face and appears on the verge of enormous emotional release -
- CAMERA MOVES TOWARD him as if to rendezvous with the
moment of catharsis...
52.

... but Simon is denied even this small luxury as the
CAMERA ABRUPTLY ADJUSTS just as he begins sobbing to focus
on the door opening and Melvin and Verdell entering the
room.

MELVIN
Maybe I'll bring him some food by.

SIMON
Thank you for walking him.

Simon wheels away from Melvin.

SIMON
If you'll excuse me I'm not feeling
so well.

MELVIN
It smells like shit in here?

SIMON
Go away.

MELVIN
That cleaning woman doesn't...

SIMON
Please, just leave.

MELVIN
Where are all your queer party
friends?

SIMON
(his first shout)
Get out.

Melvin pauses -- Simon weeping... Verdell looks at Simon
with concern. Melvin is thrown. Moved?

SIMON
Nothing worse than having to feel
this way in front of you?

MELVIN
Nellie, you're a disgrace to
depression.

SIMON
Rot in hell, Melvin.
53.

MELVIN
No need to stop being a lady...
quit worrying -- you'll be back on
your knees in no time.

Simon swings his arm and cast at Melvin -- the sudden attack
jolts Melvin but not as much as what follows.

SIMON
Is this fun for you? Well, you
lucky devil... It just gets better
and better. I am losing my
apartment and Frank wants me to
promise to paint hotter subjects
and to beg my parents, who haven't
called, for help... and I won't.
And I don't want to paint anymore.

Melvin has made for the door... Simon blocks him.

SIMON
So the life I was trying for is
over. The life I had is gone and I
am feeling so damn sorry for myself
that it is difficult to breathe.
Right times for you -- huh, Melvin.
The gay neighbor is terrified...
(a sudden screamed word
surprises them both)
Terrified... Lucky you, you're
here for rock bottom... me
wallowing in self-pity in front of
you, you absolute horror of a human
being...

As Simon works to stop crying, Melvin is weird with
discomfort.

MELVIN
Well, I'll do one thing for you
that might cheer you up.

SIMON
Get out.

MELVIN
Don't piss on a gift, tough guy.
You want to know why the dog
prefers me... it's not affection.
It's a trick.

Simon looks up, his mood turning on a dime -- he's rapt...
Melvin comes and stands by his wheelchair.
54.

MELVIN
I carry bacon in my pocket.

SIMON
(pleased)
Oh, my gosh.

MELVIN
(hands him bacon)
Now we'll both call him.

SIMON
Come on, sweetheart...

MELVIN
Yo, yo, yo...

Verdell goes like a bullet to Melvin... who is totally
surprised and staggered by the implications. True love and
such.

SIMON
Would you leave now, please?

MELVIN
Stupid dog.
(to Simon)
I don't get it.

He exits... looking apologetically at Simon in stoic ruin.

Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Simon struggles to make ends meet and asks for a loan from his former employer. Melvin and Verdell show up unexpectedly and a tense, combative conversation ensues.

Strengths

Powerful emotional moments that reveal the vulnerabilities of the characters
Strong conflict between characters

Weaknesses

Some of the dialogue feels forced
Melvin's character can be difficult to relate to

Critique The scene is well-written and emotionally powerful. The use of Simon's physical limitations to heighten the tension is effective and adds depth to his character. The dialogue between Simon and Carl is important to move the plot forward and underscores Simon's desperate situation. The sudden appearance of Melvin and Verdell adds a touch of humor to break the tension, but also allows Simon to release his pent-up emotions. Overall, the scene is well-constructed and engaging.

Suggestions Here are a few suggestions for improving this scene:

1. Clarify the purpose of the scene: It's not entirely clear why this scene is happening or what its purpose is. Is it to show Simon's desperation for money? Is it to show his emotional vulnerability? Is it to show the strained relationship between Simon and Melvin? It might help to clarify the purpose of the scene and make sure all the dialogue and actions support that purpose.

2. Cut down on the dialogue: This scene is very dialogue-heavy, with Simon and Carl having a long phone conversation, Melvin making snarky comments, and Simon ranting and raving. While some of this dialogue could be effective in conveying character or advancing the plot, a lot of it feels like unnecessary exposition or filler. Consider cutting down on some of the dialogue to make the scene more focused and impactful.

3. Use visual cues to convey emotion and tension: While the camera does move in on Simon as he's about to break down, there isn't much else in the scene that visually conveys tension or emotion. Consider using body language, facial expressions, or camera angles to heighten the drama and make the scene more engaging for the audience.

4. Add some sense of resolution: The scene ends somewhat abruptly, with Melvin exiting and Simon left alone with his dog. Consider adding some sense of resolution or closure to the scene, either through a final line of dialogue, a visual cue, or a change in music or lighting. This will give the scene a more satisfying conclusion and make it feel like it has a purpose within the larger story.

Scene 18 - Carol Confronts Melvin

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 8
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 9

62 INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 62

Carol in bed on the pullout sofa... She is in turmoil...
there is THUNDER, but no rain. She walks to the kitchen. She
is trembling as she drinks a glass of water and exits.

63 INT. BEVERLY BEDROOM - NIGHT 63

The room is on an air shaft and this is where Carol shares a
closet with her mother, who is now asleep.

Carol quietly extracts a dress from the closet, leaving her
nightgown on the floor. There is something sexy here, the
woman in Carol churning. She plops on a summer dress -- no
time for underwear.

64 EXT. BROOKLYN STREET - NIGHT 64

Carol seeing a bus and dashing after it.
55.

65 EXT. MANHATTAN BRIDGE - TWO AM 65

Carol crossing to Manhattan. She looks as if she's on her
way to some final exam where she has no notion of the
subject.

66 EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET - NEAR MELVIN'S BUILDING - 66

NIGHT (RAIN)
Hot summer night as she gets off
the bus and now the rains come...
We are in a familiar neighborhood.

67 ANGLE ON MELVIN AND SIMON'S APARTMENT HOUSE 67

As Carol consults the slip of paper with the address on it.

68 INT. NEW YORK APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT (RAIN) 68

As she enters building and realizes it's not just that she's
wet -- the thin summer dress is a winner in any wet T-shirt
contest... the fabric clinging to her breasts, like the old
movie poster of The Deep.

69 INT. NEW YORK APARTMENT BUILDING - HALLWAY - NIGHT 69

As Carol passes Simon's door... stands in front of Melvin's
apartment -- twists herself to ease nervousness and knocks
on the door... then RINGS the BELL. Finally Carol hears
MUFFLED THROAT CLEARING on the other side of the door.

CAROL
Uh, Udall?

MELVIN (O.S.)
Carol the waitress?

CAROL
Yes.

As we hear him unlock the door, Carol looks at her breasts
and gasps. She grasps the fabric and holds it straight out
just as Melvin opens the door. His hair is static city,
standing on end as he periodically gives it self-conscious
pats.

CAROL
The doctors had your billing
address. I'm sorry about the hour.

MELVIN
I was working... can't you just
drop me a thank-you note?
56.

CAROL
That's not why I'm here...
(tearing suddenly)
... though you have no idea what
it's like to have a real
conversation with a doctor about
Spencer...

MELVIN
(very uncomfortable)
Note. Put it in the note.

CAROL
Why did yo do this for me?

MELVIN
To get you back at work so you can
wait on me.

CAROL
But you do have some idea how
strange that sounds??? I'm worried
that you did this because...

She pauses -- the beginning of an extraordinarily long
silence. Finally.

MELVIN
You waiting for me to say
something?
(as she shakes her head)
What sort of thing do you want?
Look, I'll be at the restaurant
tomorrow.

CAROL
I don't think I can wait until
tomorrow. This needs clearing up.

MELVIN
What needs clearing up?

CAROL
(strong and true)
I'm not going to sleep with you. I
will never, ever sleep with you.
Never. Not ever.

Melvin's reaction? Well, he'll never get credit for the
brief but intense inner struggle -- the struggle not to
scream --
57.

-- not to cry -- to process the sudden and stunning hurt
during his half turn away from her -- and then answer
hoarsely.

MELVIN
I'm sorry. We don't open for the no-
sex oaths until 9 a.m.

Carol is amused, surprised... maybe, in some small way ever
taken by his style... but top priority is clarity.

CAROL
I'm not kidding.

MELVIN
Okay!!!! Anything else?!?

CAROL
Just how grateful I am.

Her mission completed -- she turns.

MELVIN
So you'll be at work?

CAROL
Yes.

70 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 70

It's a 3:22 a.m. as the two digital clocks on Melvin's night
stand tell us... He gets up -- the first time we've seen
his waking routine -- taps one foot on the floor twice --
then the other foot -- two more taps and his body angles
from the bed in a deliberate way.

He is having anxiety. He sits at the piano and plays very
briefly... Stops -- wipes some sweat from his forehead...
Walks to his computer room -- turns the light on and then
quickly off... Walks to his refrigerator...

71 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT, KITCHEN, INSIDE REFRIGERATOR - 71

NIGHT
As he grabs a cardboard take-out
box...

Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Melvin follows Carol to her apartment and she confronts him about his intentions. Melvin denies any ulterior motives and Carol leaves, having cleared the air.

Strengths "Tense conversation between two characters that reveals backstory and clears the air of any possible romantic involvements."

Weaknesses "Dialogue could be more impactful and the scene doesn't move the plot forward significantly."

Critique Overall, the scene is well-structured, with clear action descriptions and dialogue that moves the plot forward. However, there are a few areas for improvement.

Firstly, the introduction of the rain and thunder feels unnecessary and underdeveloped. It could have been used as a motif throughout the scene to heighten the tension, but instead, it is abruptly dropped after the first mention.

Secondly, the focus on Carol's breasts in the wet T-shirt feels gratuitous and objectifying. It detracts from the emotional intensity of their conversation and seems like a lazy attempt to add visual interest to the scene.

Finally, Melvin's inner struggle could have been given more attention and nuance. As it is, his reaction feels superficial and thin, and the scene would benefit from a deeper exploration of his emotions and motives.

Suggestions

Scene 19 - Melvin and Simon's Conversation

Overall: 7.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 7

72 INT. NEW YORK APT. BUILDING - HALLWAY/SIMON'S APT. 72

He knocks of Simon's door... It opens quickly.
58.

73 SIMON'S APARTMENT 73

MELVIN
I took a chance you were up.

Simon walks painfully back to a chair.

MELVIN
I brought you Chinese soup.

SIMON
Thanks.

MELVIN
I have never been so tired in my
life. Okay, if I sit here?

SIMON
Got any easier questions?

Melvin sits and moans -- the dog sitting near him.

MELVIN
I haven't been sleeping. I haven't
been clear or felt like myself. I'm
in trouble. Some son of a bitch is
burning my bridges behind my
back... But the tiredness --
boy... Not just sleepy.

SIMON
But sick -- nauseous -- where
everything looks distorted and
everything inside just aches --
when you can barely get up the will
to complain.

MELVIN
(brightening)
Yeah...

He feels a touch of community and not knowing where to take
it from here.

MELVIN
I'm glad we did this.

He rises and makes an awkward exit.

MELVIN
Good talking to you.

He exits -- Simon puzzled and concerned.
59.

74 INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 74

Carol seated working on a letter... She is trying to express
her gratitude... An enormous sheaf of completed pages sit
next to her... She is so involved she doesn't even look up
as a young man, SEAN, knocks on the door and is let in by
Beverly.

They exchange greetings and move inside where we faintly
hear Spencer greeting him... We MOVE IN and read over
Carol's shoulder -- "I'm sorry to have gotten sloppy and
emotional in this letter, but it would have been on my
conscionce (sic) forever if I didn't tell you how gratefull
(sic)... "

BEVERLY
You're not still writing that thank-
you note?

CAROL
I'm on the last page. How do you
spell conscience?

BEVERLY
C-o-n-s-c-i-e-n-c-e. I got Sean
from the bakery to baby-sit so
let's go out.

CAROL
I still don't feel safe leaving
Spencer with someone. How do you
spell it again?

BEVERLY
Spencer is okay. You'd better start
finding something else to do with
your free time. If you can't feel
good about this break and step out
a little...
(struts and pumps her
arms)
You ought to get Mr. Udall to send
you over a psychiatrist.

CAROL
(more emotionally than
she intended)
I don't need one 'cause I know
what's really going on here. I have
to finish this letter or I'll go
nuts.
(looking at paper; weepy)
This can't be right -- con-
science.
60.

Carol breathes heavily -- gets control, stopping herself on
the brink of crying.

BEVERLY
Carol. What?

Carol is amazed at herself... that she might not be able to
stem the flow... wide-eyed with apprehension, she looks at
her mother, who, in return, only nods permission for Carol
to let it go. A last defiant snort from Carol -- and then
she is overwhelmed. The headline comes first.

CAROL
I don't know... It's very strange
not feeling that stupid panic thing
inside you all the time. Without
that you just start thinking about
yourself -- and what does that ever
get anybody. Today, on the bus
there was this adorable couple and
I felt myself giving them a dirty
look -- I had no idea everything
was...

BEVERLY
Go ahead.

CAROL
(great, forceful hand
gestures)
... moving in the wrong
direction... Away from when I even
remembered what it was like to have
a man to... anything... hold
fucking -- sorry -- hands with, for
Christ's sake. I was feeling like
really bad that Dr. Bettes is
married.
(this next one's tough)
Which is probably why I make poor
Spencer hug me more than he wants
to... Like the poor kid doesn't
have enough problems. He has to
make up for his mom not getting
any.
(weeps at her insight)
Oh, boy. Who needs these thoughts?

BEVERLY
Spencer's doing fine. So what are
you saying, that you're frustr...
61.

CAROL
Leave me be! Why are you doing
this? Why are you picking at my
sores... What is it that you
want?... You want what? What's with
you? I hope getting me thinking of
everything that's wrong when all I
want is to not do this has some
purpose.
(puffy; red; furious)
What is it, Mom? No kidding.

Slumped, fought out -- Carol gets out one last, naked husky
voiced question.

CAROL
What is it you want? What?

BEVERLY
I want us to go out.

A beat, then.

CAROL
(simply)
Okay.

Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Melvin visits Simon, who is struggling financially and dealing with health issues. Carol is shown writing a letter while her friend Beverly visits her and tries to convince her to move on.

Strengths ""

Weaknesses "Slow pacing and lack of action."

Critique Overall, the scene could benefit from more clarity and specificity in its characters' actions and dialogue. The scene involves two separate conversations: one between Melvin and Simon, and another between Carol and her mother Beverly. However, the transition between the two is unclear and it's unclear if they are meant to be connected thematically.

In terms of character development, the scene provides some insight into the struggles of Melvin and Carol, but their dialogue could benefit from more nuance and specificity. For example, Melvin's explanation of his exhaustion and troubles could use more detail and Carol's emotional outburst could be better supported with clear setup and context.

Additionally, the scene could benefit from more attention to visual description and blocking to help guide the reader's imagination. Currently, there is little description of the characters' movements or facial expressions, which can make it difficult for the reader to picture the scene.

Overall, this scene has potential, but could use more attention to character and visual details to fully realize its dramatic potential.

Suggestions Overall, the scene could benefit from some tightening and clearer character motivations. Here are some specific suggestions:

- Give more context to who Melvin is and why he is visiting Simon. Right now, his entrance feels abrupt and unexplained.
- Show more clearly how Melvin and Simon relate to each other. Do they have an existing friendship? Why does Simon seem concerned?
- Simplify the dialogue between Melvin and Simon. The back-and-forth about being tired and sick could be condensed and made more impactful.
- Add more action or movement to the scene. Right now, it's just two people sitting and talking. Can they be doing something with their hands or moving around the room? This will make the scene more interesting to watch.
- Clarify why Carol is writing a thank-you note and why it's such a big deal for her. Right now, it feels like a small detail that's taking up too much screen time.
- Make Beverly's motivations clearer. Why does she want Carol to go out? Is she trying to distract her from something? Is she worried about her mental health?
- Build up to Carol's emotional outburst more gradually. Right now, it feels like it comes out of nowhere. Show more clearly what's been building up inside her and why she's so on edge.

Scene 20 - Love and Loss

Overall: 5.0
Concept: 4
Plot: 2
Characters: 7
Dialogue: 4

75 INT. CAROL'S APT, SPENCER'S ROOM, HALLWAY - NIGHT 75

As they enter, still wiping away the effects of their cry.

CAROL
(to Sean)
We're going out.

SEAN
(looking at their red
eyes)
Looks like fun.

She kisses Spencer -- almost getting involved in what he's
doing -- then sees her mother waiting.

CAROL
Okay -- we're out of here. I love
you.

Spencer nods -- involved with Sean. CAMERA FOLLOWS Carol as
she exits the apartment -- her mother leading. Halfway down
the stairs, she stops and reverses herself, going back to
the apartment which she re-enters -- then to her son to ask:

CAROL
Do you love me?
62.

SPENCER
Uh-huh.

Carol exits.

76 EXT. STREET - NEAR CAROL'S BLDG. (MOVING) - DAY 76

Beverly and Carol walking past the store windows. A simple
and unprecedented experience in their recent lives.

BEVERLY
Nice to get out, isn't it?

Carol nods tightly... then they wrap arms around each other
and continue walking, turning into a corner bar.

Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Carol and her mother leave the apartment, while Carol asks her son if he loves her. Later, Carol and Beverly go out and end up at a corner bar.

Strengths "The scene adds depth to Carol's character and shows her struggling with her emotions."

Weaknesses "There is no significant plot development or high stakes. The emotional impact is low."

Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would critique the following scene in the following ways:

1. The scene lacks conflict or tension. It's simply a transition scene of Carol and her mother leaving the apartment to go out.

2. The dialogue feels forced and doesn't add anything to the scene. Sean's response to Carol about their red eyes comes across as sarcastic, but without any context, it feels out of place.

3. The kiss between Carol and Spencer feels awkwardly placed and interrupts the flow of the scene.

4. The camera direction could be more effective. Instead of simply following Carol out of the apartment and onto the street, a more interesting shot could be chosen to bring tension or emotion to the scene.

5. The moment where Carol asks Spencer if he loves her feels random and disconnected from the rest of the scene.

Overall, the scene lacks purpose and could be improved by adding in more conflict or a clearer objective for Carol and her mother. The dialogue and camera direction could also be improved to heighten the mood and tension.

Suggestions Here are some possible suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more emotion and depth to Carol and Sean's interaction. Right now, their conversation feels perfunctory and doesn't communicate much about their relationship. Consider adding more subtext, conflict, or history to their exchange to make it more interesting and meaningful.

2. Show more of Spencer's reaction to his mother leaving. Since he's the focus of the scene, it would be helpful to see how he feels about his mother going out and leaving him with Sean. Does he seem disappointed, relieved, or indifferent? This could add more tension and complexity to the scene.

3. Clarify the purpose of Carol's question to her son. Right now, her question feels random and disconnected from the rest of the scene. Consider making it more clear why she's asking this question or how it connects to her relationship with her son.

4. Consider adding more details about the bar they go to. Right now, the scene ends abruptly with them entering a bar, but it's unclear what kind of bar it is or what they plan to do there. Adding more description or dialogue could make this transition smoother and more engaging for the audience.

Scene 21 - Melvin's Request

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 7
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 9

77 INT. CAROL'S RESTAURANT - CLOSE ON CAROL - DAY 77

As Carol stands nervously while Lisa finishes reading her
letter. In the b.g. Melvin and Frank are seated at the same
table and in earnest conversation. Lisa keeps flicking away
tears -- a few drops on the pages.

CAROL
Don't get it wet.

Lisa brushes the paper -- finishes and embraces Carol.

CAROL
So it's okay?

LISA
You almost have me liking him. You
sure come from the heart. I never
knew what you went through with
everything.

CAROL
I wanted him to know how much he'd
done.
(looking over)
Can you believe he's eating with
someone.

78 ON MELVIN & FRANK 78

MELVIN
It's not my dog and this Simon
seems to have enough on his mind --
but he did throw up twice and his
spark is off.

FRANK
Sure -- take him to the vet.
63.

MELVIN
I did. And his stomach is out of
whack. So they need him for a
couple of days.

FRANK
Do it.

CAROL
Melvin.

She self-consciously hands him with the thick envelope.

MELVIN
What's this?

CAROL
(sotto)
A thank-you note for what you did
for me.

He hands it back to her deliberately. She takes it and walks
back to the service area where, embarrassed, confused, and
messed with -- she tosses the note.

After Carol leaves...

FRANK
She's nice.

MELVIN
(to Frank)
Really nice. Shouldn't that be a
good thing... telling someone, 'no
thanks required.'

FRANK
It looks like it really went over.
You're sure making the rounds.
Simon says you brought him soup
last night. I hope he doesn't write
you a note.

Melvin looks up -- wary -- his brain sends a disturbing
message.

FRANK
What?

MELVIN
"What?" Look at you... You sense a
mark.
64.

FRANK
Hey -- you called me... I...

MELVIN
About a dog.

FRANK
Yeah, but it's all about Simon
now... you helped with the dog...
And now there are other things. I'm
just as concerned as you are about
Simon.

MELVIN
Concerned. I'm just the hall
monitor here.

FRANK
It's not only financial assistance.
What he's got to do is go to
Baltimore tomorrow and ask his
parents for money. It's not going
to happen on the phone.

MELVIN
Yeah. If his parents are alive
they've got to help -- those are
the rules. Good.

FRANK
Yes. And tomorrow? I have a high
maintenance selling painter coming
through... So I'm out. Can you take
him?

MELVIN
Think white and get serious.

Carol enters scene.

FRANK
Take my car -- a convertible. Do
you drive?

MELVIN
(loudly)
Like the wind but I'm not doing it.

CAROL
Getting loud, getting loud.

MELVIN
He wants me to take his car and his
client to Baltimore.
65.

CAROL
I want your life for a minute where
my big problem is someone offers me
a free convertible so I can get out
of this city.

She exits. Frank prepares to depart.

MELVIN
Okay. I'll take him. Get him packed
-- ready -- tomorrow morning.

Frank stumbles back... self-satisfied, he relaxes.

MELVIN
(excited)
Okay... so I'll see you tomorrow.
Let's not drag this out. We don't
enjoy another that much.

FRANK
If there's some mental health
foundation that raises money to
help people like you be sure to let
me know.

MELVIN
Last word freak.

Frank adjusts and exits... Carol approaches calling a "good-
bye" to him.

CAROL
So. Anything else?

MELVIN
Yes. I'm going to give my queer
neighbor a lift to Baltimore.

CAROL
Okay.

MELVIN
Hey, what I did for you is working
out?

CAROL
(a breath; then)
What you did changed my life.

She offers him the note.

MELVIN
No... no thank you notes.
66.

CAROL
Well, part of what I said in this
entire history of my life which you
won't read is that somehow you've
done more for my mother, my son and
me, than anyone else ever has...
And that makes you the most
important, surprising, generous
person I've ever met and that you
be in our daily prayers forever.

MELVIN
Lovely.

CAROL
I also wrote one part... I wrote
I'm sorry... I was talking about I
was sorry when I got mad at you
when you came over and you told my
son that he ought to answer back so
I wrote that.
(reading from the letter,
Melvin wildly
uncomfortable)
I was sorry for busting you on
that... and I'm sorry for busting
in on you that night... when I said
I was never... I was sorry and I'm
sorry every time your food was cold
and that you had to wait two
seconds for a coffee filler...

Melvin wants to disappear but Carol is getting into it --
emotionally moved by her own words.

CAROL
... and I'm sorry for never
spotting, right there at the table
in the restaurant, the human being
that had it in him to do this thing
for us... You know what, I'm just
going to start from the
beginning... I have not been able
to express my gratefulness to
you... even as I look at the word
"grateful" now it doesn't begin to
tell you what I feel for you...

And finally Carol notes Melvin's mood and pauses.

MELVIN
Nice of you... thank you.
67.

CAROL
Thank you.

MELVIN
Now I want you to do something for
me.

She looks at him for a very strange, long beat.

CAROL
Oh, I'm sorry... Didn't I say,
"what?" I thought I said,
"what?"... What?

MELVIN
I want you to go on this trip.

CAROL
No, sir...

MELVIN
I can't do this alone. I'm afraid
he'll pull the stiff one eye on me.
I need you to chaperon. Separate
everything but cars. You said you
liked convertibles. Now I'm on the
hook.

CAROL
The stiff one eye?

MELVIN
Two days.

CAROL
I can't. I work.

MELVIN
You take off when you have to.

CAROL
My son.

MELVIN
Bettes tells me he's doing fine.

CAROL
(no other way)
Melvin, I'd rather not.

MELVIN
What's that got to do with it?
68.

CAROL
Funny, I thought it was a strong
point.

MELVIN
Write me a note and ain't she
sweet. I need a hand and where'd
she go.

CAROL
Are you saying accepting your help
obligates me!?

MELVIN
Is there another way to see it?

CAROL
No.

Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Melvin asks Carol to chaperone him on a trip to Baltimore and she refuses

Strengths "Realistic dialogue and emotional tension"

Weaknesses "Slow pacing and lack of clear character motivations"

Critique Overall, this scene could use some improvement in terms of clarity and pacing. The dialogue between Melvin and Frank seems disjointed and may be better if condensed or restructured. Additionally, some of the dialogue between Carol and Melvin could be more direct and understandable, as their conversation seems to wander at times. Some minor edits or revisions could tighten up the scene and make it more effective.

Suggestions Overall, the scene has good dialogue and explores the relationship between Carol and Melvin. However, there are some ways to improve it:

1. Clarify who Lisa is - currently, the scene introduces Lisa without any prior context or explanation. Adding a line or two to establish who she is would make it less confusing for the audience.

2. Add more action - the scene is mostly just dialogue between characters sitting at a table. Adding more movement or action to the scene would make it more visually interesting.

3. Show more of Melvin's emotions - while Carol is expressing her gratitude to Melvin, he seems uncomfortable and is trying to deflect the attention. Showing more of his emotions and how he feels about Carol's words would add depth to his character.

4. Add more conflict - the scene is mostly just characters talking politely to each other. Adding more conflict or tension between Carol and Melvin would make it more engaging for the audience. For example, Melvin could push Carol harder to come on the trip and she could push back, creating a more dynamic scene.

Scene 22 - Packing and Leaving

Overall: 7.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 6
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 6

79 INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT - BEVERLY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 79

Carol takes an old weekend case down from the top shelf of
the closet.

CAROL
Well, here's a little suitcase
shocked that it's been used.

She holds up a dress -- a pretty one... then decides it's
too pretty and puts it back... Now she looks in another
drawer and pauses as if she ponders one of the mysteries of
the ages. She hesitates then talks to herself.

80 INSERT -- UNDERWEAR DRAWER 80

Her best underwear neatly stacked alongside her everyday
"girl Jockies." She fingers the good stuff -- puts it back --
then the everyday -- hesitates.

CAROL
(furiously exasperated)
There's not way to pack for this
trip... well, I'll tell you -- I'm
not packing the camera.

As she exits the room --

81 INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - NIGHT 81

As she picks up the phone.
69.

82 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT 82

Melvin is in his bedroom -- everything he's taking neatly
stacked on the bed waiting to be packed (he is taking a
camera). He has a list of what he needs. All items --
underwear, socks, etc... with four checks next to each one
and still he -- checks each stack on the bed and adds
another check. The PHONE RINGS. This is an amazing
development. He has almost no recent experience with
receiving a nighttime phone call. He makes a little comment
to himself as he moves.

MELVIN
Woo-woo.

He stops -- briefly trying to remember where the phone is --
and then, remembering, crosses and picks it up but before
bringing it to his mouth nervously clears his throat.

ON CAROL
As she hears his throat being
cleared. It is not a pretty sound.
(The following conversation is
INTERCUT.)

CAROL
Hello?

MELVIN
Are you still coming?

CAROL
Yes.

Melvin visibly relaxes.

CAROL
Melvin... I'd like to know exactly
where we are going.

MELVIN
Just south to Baltimore, Maryland.
So I know what you're going to ask
next.
(correcting himself)
That you might ask -- I'm not
certain.

CAROL
There's... there's no need to bring
anything dressy... or... I mean --
I didn't know if we'd be eating at
any restaurant that have dress
codes.
70.

MELVIN
Oh.
(a beat)
We might. Yes. We can. Let's.

CAROL
Okay, gotcha. What did you think I
was going to ask?

MELVIN
Whether crabs are in season there
now...

CAROL
Oh. Okay, then -- Melvin. Good
night.

83 INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT - BEVERLY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 83

Beverly looks up expectantly as her daughter enters.

BEVERLY
How was it talking to him?

CAROL
Stop treating this like I'm going
away with a man. He's just going to
say those crappy, sick,
complaining, angry things to me. I
hate this, Mom -- I hate this. He's
a freak show -- the worst person I
ever met.

BEVERLY
Well, maybe he has nice friends.

84 EXT. CAROL'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY 84

Beverly and Spencer wait with her. The bus approaches. She
kisses them.

CAROL
(to Spencer)
You stand there and I'll wave to
you from the back window.

As she boards the bus.

BEVERLY
Call me as soon as you're settled.

CAROL
(to Spencer)
I love you.
71.

The bus driver closes the doors on her -- she shoves them
open.

CAROL
(to bus driver)
Sensitive, huh?!

The bus pulls out. He runs after the bus -- waving at his
mother who grows concerned that he might be taxing himself.

85 INT. VETERINARIAN'S WAITING ROOM - DAY 85

A female VETERINARIAN in surgical scrubs holds Verdell as
Melvin finishes filling out some forms.

On opposite sides of the waiting room, a very large black
dog and a tiny Chihuahua sit patiently with their owners.

VETERINARIAN
Anything unusual in the dog's diet?

MELVIN
No. Everybody gets their own cage?

VETERINARIAN
Certainly.

MELVIN
(pointing to Chihuahua)
Put him in with that one, not that
one...
(pointing to large dog)
... Builds his confidence.

86 EXT. BUS STOP NEAR APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK) - DAY 86

Carol disembarks.

Genres: ["drama","comedy"]

Summary Carol packs for a trip with Melvin, while expressing frustration towards him. She leaves for the trip, while her mother and son see her off. Melvin takes Verdell to the vet and impresses the veterinarian. Carol disembarks from the bus.

Strengths "The scene showcases Carol's emotional state and relationship with Melvin, adding depth to the characters."

Weaknesses "The scene does not advance the plot significantly."

Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, my understanding is that this scene is well-written and effectively conveys the characters' motivations and relationships. The dialogue feels authentic and natural, and the intercutting between Carol and Melvin's phone conversation works well to build tension and anticipation for their upcoming trip. The use of physical actions, such as Carol packing and Melvin checking and re-checking his list, also adds visual interest to the scene. Overall, this scene appears to be a successful example of character development and dialogue-driven storytelling.

Suggestions The scene could be improved by adding more tension and conflict. Perhaps there could be a disagreement between Carol and Melvin about where they are going or some kind of misunderstanding that causes tension between them. This would create a more engaging dynamic and add depth to their relationship. Additionally, there could be more action in the scene to keep the audience engaged, such as Carol struggling to pack her suitcase or Melvin racing to catch the bus as it pulls away. Overall, adding more conflict and action would make the scene more compelling and memorable for the audience.

Scene 23 - The Car Ride

Overall: 7.5
Concept: 8
Plot: 7
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 7

87 EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK) - DAY 87

As she walks and turns a corner.

CLOSE ON CAROL

The shot of the prisoner taking the walk toward the death
chamber. But the prisoner -- has grit -- her knees do not
buckle. She does not whimper. No prison "screws" will have
to support her weight. Still, the prospect couldn't be
grimmer.

CAROL'S POV
Melvin next to a spiffy
convertible. Top down. Trunk open.
72.

CLOSER ON MELVIN

He is wearing driving gloves and turns to witness the tussle
Frank and Simon are having just inside the building.

FRANK
I'm sorry that I'm not taking you.

SIMON
(upset)
So am I, Frank.

Frank starts to leave -- Simon stops him. They embrace.

MELVIN
Soak it up -- it's your last chance
at a hug for a few days.

As Frank moves off Melvin sees Carol and his demeanor
changes... that quickly there is a shyness.

CAROL
Hi.

MELVIN
Thanks for being on time... Carol,
the waitress, this is Simon, the
fag.

CAROL
Hello... Oh, my God, who did that
to you?

SIMON
I, uh... I was... attacked. Walked
in on people robbing me. I was
hospitalized. I almost died.

MELVIN
Let's do the small talk in the car.
Load up.

Carol puts her bag in the car.

MELVIN
I was going to do that for you.

CAROL
(taken aback)
It's okay. No problem. Where should
we sit?
73.

MELVIN
(totally non-plussed)
I -- uh, I... Well, there is no
place cards or anything.

CAROL
(to Simon)
Let me go in back. You look like
you need all the room you can
manage.

SIMON
That's very thoughtful.

MELVIN
Never a break. Never.

Carol steps into the back. Melvin disappointed that he's not
sitting next to Carol... Carol is wedged in the small back
seat. She struggles to get her feet in.

MELVIN
You're really jammed back there.

He reaches for the latch between his legs and slides his
seat and, with some effort, wrenches it forward giving
Carol more room and putting his right against the wheel. She
is startled by the gesture.

CAROL
Thanks, Melvin.

MELVIN
Welcome.

And off they go. Simon and Carol stunned by the manners.

88 EXT. 12TH STREET 88

Turning onto Fifth.

MELVIN
I got the whole ride programmed.

CAMERA FOLLOWS as Melvin goes to a rack of CDs -- all
carefully labelled. He selects and begins to play the one
marked "ICEBREAKER." It is a song which we clearly and
quickly judge as off the circumstances -- a quick burst of
"Y.M.C.A." Melvin STOPS the MUSIC and chuckles.

MELVIN
Just wanted to see what you'd do.
No, we have greatness here.
74.

He goes for another CD labelled "FOR USE TO REP THINGS UP."

The car turns onto Seventh as we hear BEAUTIFULLY SELECTED
MUSIC.

CAROL (O.S.)
Hey, I like this music.

And, as the MUSIC PLAYS, Simon looks out.

89 EXT. ROAD - DAY 89

The three of them... Carol chattering away.

CAROL
I don't know the last time I've
been out of the city... Hey, my
arms are tanning. I used to tan
great. We gotta stop soon so'se I
can check on Spencer.

SIMON
(during the above)
I'm sorry... I can't hear you. I
can't turn my head all the way
yet... tell her we can't hear her.

MELVIN
Doesn't matter. She's enjoying
herself. Consider it part of the
music.

Genres: ["drama","comedy"]

Summary Carol and Melvin head out to Baltimore with Simon in the backseat, where they struggle with small talk and music selection.

Strengths "The tension between Carol and Melvin creates an interesting dynamic, and the humor injected into the situation keeps it from becoming too heavy. The characters, though flawed, are likable and relatable. The use of music helps to set the tone and create an atmosphere."

Weaknesses "The scene lacks a bit of conflict and doesn't do much to move the plot forward. It's mostly focused on character interaction and development, which is good, but it does lead to a lull in the story's momentum. Simon's presence is somewhat unnecessary, as he doesn't contribute much to the scene."

Critique The scene is well written and establishes the setting and characters effectively. The dialogue feels natural and the interactions between Melvin, Carol, and Simon are believable. The use of music to break the tension is a clever touch. However, it is unclear what the purpose of this scene is and how it advances the plot. It appears to be a transitional scene, moving the characters from one location to another, but it feels disconnected from any larger narrative. Additionally, the use of the derogatory term "fag" to describe Simon is offensive and unnecessary. Overall, while the scene is competently written, it could benefit from more purpose and sensitivity.

Suggestions There are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Clarify the purpose of the scene: It's unclear why the characters are heading to their destination or why this scene is even included in the script. Adding some context as to why they're there and what their goals are would help ground the scene.

2. Make the dialogue more natural: Some of the dialogue feels forced or unnatural. It might be helpful to read the lines out loud to see if they sound like something a real person would say.

3. Emphasize the tension: The scene starts with a reference to a prisoner walking to their death, but then quickly transitions to a conversation in a car. To keep the tension high, it could be helpful to tie in the tension of the prisoner's fate somehow.

4. Show, don't tell: The scene could benefit from more action and description, which will help it feel more dynamic. Rather than just having characters talk, show them reacting to their surroundings and each other.

5. Elevate the stakes: As it stands, there isn't much at stake in the scene. Adding in some higher stakes or conflict would make it more engaging.

Scene 24 - Trauma Stories

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 8
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 9

90 EXT. ROAD - DAY 90

A short time later. Carol is now driving.

CAROL
I'm sure, Simon, they did something
real off for you to feel this
way... But when it comes to your
partners -- or your kid -- things
will always be off for you unless
you set it straight. Maybe this
thing happened to you just to give
you that chance.

MELVIN
Nonsense!

CAROL
Anybody here who's interested in
what Melvin has to say raise their
hands.
75.

Simon does not raise his hand. Simon and Carol have thus
declared their majority.

SIMON
Do you want to know what happened
with my parents?

CAROL
Yes. I really would.

SIMON
Well...

CAROL
No, let me pull over so I can pay
full attention.

Car pulling over toward parking spot.

91 EXT. HIGHWAY - CURBSIDE - CONVERTIBLE - DAY 91

She takes the car curbside and parks.

CAROL
Now go ahead.

Simon looks back at Melvin as does Carol. He looks innocent.
Several beats -- Melvin almost says something -- a hidden
hand gesture from Carol stops him. Finally.

SIMON
Well, I always painted. Always. And
my mother always encouraged it. She
was sort of fabulous about it
actually... and she used to... I
was too young to think there was
anything at all wrong with it...
and she was very natural. She used
to pose nude for me... and I
thought or assumed my father was
aware of it.

MELVIN
This stuff is pointless.

CAROL
Hey -- you let him...

MELVIN
You like sad stories -- you want
mine.
76.

CARL
. Go ahead, Simon. Really. Please.
Don't let him stop you. Ignore him.

SIMON
Okay. Well, one day my father came
in on one of those painting
sessions when I was nine -- and he
just started screaming at her -- at
us -- at evil. And...

MELVIN
(very quickly)
... my father didn't leave his room
for 11 years -- he hit my hand with
a yardstick if I made a mistake on
the piano.

CAROL
Go ahead, Simon. Your father walked
in on you and was yelling and...
really, come on.

SIMON
I was trying to defend my mother
and make peace, in the lamest way.
I said, "she's not naked -- it's
art." And then he started hitting
me. And he beat me unconscious.
After that he talked to me less and
less -- he knew before I left for
college, my dad came into my room.
He held out his hand. It was filled
with money. A big wad of sweaty
money.
(gathers himself)
And he said to me, "I don't want
you to ever come back." I grabbed
him and I hugged him... He turns
and walked out.

Carol, whose life has been rugged but basic, feels as
strange as she does moved by Simon's trauma which is so much
more complicated than her meat and potatoes troubles. She
looks out her window -- then kisses her fingers and touches
them to Simon's cheek. A nice, understated, gesture of
friendship.

CAROL
Well, you know -- I still stay what
I said. You've got to get past it
all when it comes to your parents.
We all have these horror stories to
get over.
77.

Melvin shifts INTO the FRAME.

MELVIN
That's not true. Some of us have
great stories... pretty stories
that take place at lakes with boats
and friends and noodle salad. Just
not anybody in this car. But lots
of people -- that's their story --
good times and noodle salad... and
that's what makes it hard. Not that
you had it bad but being that
pissed that so many had it good.

CAROL
No.

SIMON
Not it at all, really.

MELVIN
(a veteran's irony)
Not at all, huh?!... Let's go to
the hotel. And if you're lucky
tomorrow Dad will give you another
wad of sweaty money.

92 INT. HOTEL SUITE - LIVING ROOM/CARL'S ROOM - DAY 92

MELVIN
Two bedrooms and the sofa opens...

Carol is on the phone in the living room -- she hangs up.

CAROL
(to Simon)
No answer... Maybe we should just
drive there tomorrow. Can I have
that one?

MELVIN
Yes... sure.
(to Simon)
I'll take the sofa.

Carol walks into her room -- the nicest room she'll ever
have slept in... She goes to the phone and dials...

CAROL
(into phone)
Hello... Hi, Spencer... Why are you
out of breath? You did?!? That is
great... So great... So -- no, wait
a second, Spence...
78.

Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Carol, Melvin, and Simon share their traumatic pasts, with Simon recounting his father's physical abuse and eventual disownment for his passion for art.

Strengths "Realistic portrayal of trauma through the characters' dialogue and interactions, strong emotional impact with touching moments such as Carol's gesture of friendship towards Simon"

Weaknesses "Lack of true conflict in this scene, as it mostly serves as a moment of character development and emotional reflection"

Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I can provide some general guidelines for critiquing a scene, but it's important to note that the quality of a scene can depend on various factors (e.g. context, character development, pacing, dialogue, theme, setting, etc.). Here are some potential considerations:

- Does the scene advance the plot or character development in a meaningful way? In other words, does it reveal something new about the characters, the story, or the themes?
- Is the dialogue natural, engaging, and true to the characters' voices? Is there a clear conflict or tension that propels the dialogue forward?
- Does the scene make effective use of the setting or visual elements to create atmosphere or mood? Are there interesting details or shots that add depth or texture to the scene?
- How well does the scene fit in with the overall structure or tone of the screenplay? Does it feel consistent with what has come before and what will come after?
- Are there any moments or lines that feel forced, cliche, or unearned? Are there any missed opportunities for deeper or more nuanced exploration of the characters or themes?

Again, without more context or a full understanding of the screenplay, it's hard to give a specific critique of this scene. However, based on this excerpt, a potential critique might focus on the dialogue and pacing. While there are some interesting details and conflicts introduced (e.g. Simon's traumatic childhood, Melvin's antagonism), the dialogue can feel a bit too on-the-nose and expository at times. Additionally, some of the beats and moments could be tightened up to create a more focused or impactful scene. However, these are just potential critiques and may not accurately reflect the overall quality of the scene in its full context.

Suggestions There are a few ways to improve this scene to make it more engaging and effective:

1. Add more description: The scene lacks description, making it hard for the reader to visualize what’s happening. Adding more description, such as the surroundings, the characters' actions, and their emotions, can help readers understand the scene better and also make it more interesting.

2. Add tension: The scene lacks tension, which can make it feel dull and unengaging. Adding tension can make the scene more interesting by creating a feeling of urgency or suspense. For example, you could add more conflict between the characters or a sense of impending danger.

3. Use more active language: The dialogue in the scene is passive, making it feel slow and uninteresting. Using more active language, such as stronger verbs and more expressive adjectives, can make the scene more engaging and dynamic.

4. Develop the characters: The characters in the scene feel flat and underdeveloped. Giving them more depth, personality, and backstory can make the scene more engaging by giving readers a reason to care about them.

5. Tighten up the dialogue: The dialogue in the scene could benefit from some editing to make it more concise and impactful. Removing unnecessary words or phrases, clarifying the characters’ intentions, and adding more subtext can make the dialogue more effective.

Scene 25 - Restaurant Disaster

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 9
Plot: 9
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 6

93 INT. HOTEL SUITE - MELVIN AND SIMON'S HOTEL ROOM - DAY 93

Melvin watches Simon struggle to unpack his especially neat
suitcase. Melvin is uncomfortable.

MELVIN
Can I ask you a personal question?

Simon laughs loudly in apprehension squared.

MELVIN
Do you ever get an erection for a
woman?

SIMON
Melvin...

MELVIN
Wouldn't your lie be a lot easier
if you were not...

SIMON
You consider your life easy.

MELVIN
I give you that one...
(eyes suitcase)
Nice packing.

94 INT. HOTEL SUITE - LIVING ROOM - DAY 94

Carol enters the common living room... Melvin is sitting
there. Carol is dealing with a number of unsettling new
factors in her life.

CAROL
My son was outside playing soccer.
I never saw him playing ball. Come
on, you guys -- take me out for a
good time... Take me out dancing.

MELVIN
Dancing?

SIMON
I can't, I'm exhausted.

Carol walks to Simon and puts an arm on him. Melvin is
visibly disturbed by her gesture.

CAROL
(to Simon)
I don't blame you...
79.

This is a monumental first day
out... You sad or anything?

SIMON
No... Nervous. It would be very
rough, Carol, if you weren't along.

CAROL
What a nice compliment.

She gives Simon a kiss... Melvin deals with jealousy. She
turns to him.

CAROL
I'm happy. And you're my date.
Let's get dressed.

She exits the room. Melvin unnerved.

MELVIN
I'm going to jump in the shower.
I'll be right with you.

95 INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT 95

As Carol, dressed in a thrift shop find, enters the main
room of the suite and hears the SHOWER running -- she sits
down to wait -- through...

96 SERIES OF DISSOLVES 96

Showing the enormous length of time which transpires until
finally a seriously clean Melvin emerges from the bathroom
through a cloud of steam. They exit.

97 EXT. FIRST RATE RESTAURANT - NIGHT 97

As they drive up.

VALET
Good evening, sir.

MELVIN
They sell hard shell crabs here?

VALET
Yes.

98 INT. FIRST RATE RESTAURANT - NIGHT 98

As they enters...

HEAD WAITER
Good evening.
80.

MELVIN
Hi. You have hard shells, right?

CAROL
Stop asking everyone.

MELVIN
Just him and that's it. Okay, you
can answer -- we've worked it out.

HEAD WAITER
Yes, we do... And I can give you a
tie and jacket.

MELVIN
What?

HEAD WAITER
They require a tie and jacket but
we have some available.

He reaches into the coat and check room and withdraws them.

MELVIN
No... I'm not wearing that -- and
just in case you were going to ask
I'm not going to let you inject me
with plaque either.

CAROL
You promised a nice place -- can't
you just...
(to Head Waiter)
You have these dry cleaned all the
time, don't you?

HEAD WAITER
Actually, I don't think so.

MELVIN
(to Carol)
Wait here.

99 EXT. FIRST RATE RESTAURANT - NIGHT 99

As Melvin takes his car back from the valet.

100 EXT. STREET - SHOPPING MALL - NIGHT 100

As the car goes right across the street to a shopping mall.

101 INT. SHOPPING MALL - MEN'S STORE - NIGHT 101

Melvin walks to the doorway and stops suddenly.
81.

SALESMAN
Good evening.

MELVIN
I need a coat and tie.

OTHER ANGLE
CAMERA REVEALS that the floor is
intricately patterned so that
passage for Melvin is impossible.

SALESMAN
Come on in.

MELVIN
No.

SALESMAN
No?

MELVIN
(pointing)
That jacket and give me a tie.

Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Melvin and Carol go out to a fancy restaurant where Melvin is uncomfortable and refuses to wear a jacket and tie. He leaves to buy one and returns with a tie only, leading to a scene in the restaurant causing Carol to feel embarrassed.

Strengths "Intriguing character development for Melvin"

Weaknesses "Lack of dialogue and the pace slows down in the middle"

Critique There are a few issues with this scene that could be improved upon. Firstly, the dialogue doesn't flow naturally and feels a bit forced. The exchange between Melvin and Simon about erections feels out of place and doesn't add much to their characters or the plot. Secondly, the scene could benefit from more sensory detail to enhance the setting and atmosphere. For example, what is the lighting like in the hotel suite or the restaurant? What do they smell or hear? Adding these details can help immerse the audience in the scene. Finally, there are some unclear transitions and cutaways, such as the series of dissolves showing the time passing. These transitions could be made smoother and clearer to keep the audience engaged.

Suggestions First, the scene needs clearer character motivations. We don't know why Melvin is uncomfortable with Simon's neatness, or why Carol's arm on Simon makes him jealous. It also needs more development: with such a short scene, it's hard for us to understand why this moment is important.

One suggestion could be to make Melvin's discomfort with Simon's neatness a recurring theme throughout the script. Perhaps Melvin is the messy one, and Simon's neatness bothers him. This could create a larger conflict between the two characters.

Also, the dialogue could be more natural and meaningful, with fewer one-liners. For example, instead of Melvin asking Simon about his erections, there could be a more subtle approach to the question of Simon's sexuality. This would avoid cheap shots and create a more organic conversation.

Furthermore, the scene needs to have a clearer sense of place and tone. Is it a comedy or a drama? Is the restaurant upscale or low-key? These details can help set the mood and make the scene more effective.

Finally, the scene could be strengthened by adding more action or blocking. Perhaps Melvin is fidgety throughout the scene, or Carol's arm on Simon makes him shift in his seat. These physical cues can add to the tension and make the scene more dynamic.

Scene 26 - The Awkward Dinner Date

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 8
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 9

102 EXT. FIRST RATE RESTAURANT - NIGHT 102

As he pulls up - a new VALET taking his car.

VALET #2
Good evening.

MELVIN
You have hard shells?

VALET #2
I'm not sure.

MELVIN
Everyone else says you do.

VALET #2
Then I guess we do.

103 INT. FIRST RATE RESTAURANT 103

As he enters, looks for and then spot Carol. She is having a
martini at the bar... Sitting on a stool -- watching COUPLES
dance... Happy by herself... Turning down a MAN who wants to
buy her another... And Melvin watches... Watches his date.

HEAD WAITER
Shall I get her for you?
82.

MELVIN
No, it's all right. I'll just
watch.

He enjoys watching her for a few more beats... She turns --
Melvin makes a "Haul your ass over here" gesture... and she
smiles and walks toward him... A WAITER has lifted her drink
-- placed it on a tray and follows her. She takes a bit of a
slalom course through the tables, giddy as the MUSIC PLAYS
and couples dance in the b.g. She notices the waiter in her
trail.

CAROL
(mouthing the words to
Melvin)
My drink is following me.

Melvin watches her approach. It is all too exquisite. He
takes a breath -- it doesn't come easily.

CAROL
You look s...

She stops herself from saying "sexy," regathers, then...

CAROL
You look great.

They arrives at the table. He holds out her chair for her.

CAROL
You wanna dance?

MELVIN
I've been thinking about that since
you brought it up before.

CAROL
(rising)
And?

MELVIN
No...
(and before she can
digest that)
... I don't get this place. They
make me buy an outfit but they let
you wear a house dress. I don't get
it.

ON CAROL
Melvin has no idea he has insulted
her. Sandbagged in extreme, she
gets up -- actually ready to leave.
83.

MELVIN
No. Wait. What? Why? I didn't mean
it. You gotta sit down. You can
still give me the dirty look...
just sit down and give it to me.

CAROL
Melvin, pay me a compliment... I
need one and quick... You have no
idea how much what you said just
hurt my feelings.

MELVIN
(really pissed, mutters)
That monominute somebody gets that
you need them they threaten to go
away. Never fails.

CAROL
That's not compliment, Melvin...
That's just trying to sound smart
so I feel stupid... A compliment is
something nice about somebody
else... Now or never.

MELVIN
Okay.

He waves her down.

CAROL
(sitting)
And mean it...

MELVIN
Can we order first?

She thinks and then nods. The waiter is across the room.
This does not stop Melvin.

MELVIN
(calling)
Two crab dinners and pitcher of
cold beer.
(to Carol)
Baked or fries?

CAROL
Fries.

MELVIN
(calling)
One baked -- one fries.
84.

STARTLED WAITER
(shouting back)
I'll tell your waiter.

MELVIN
(to Carol)
Okay, I got a real great compliment
for you and it's true.

CAROL
I am so afraid you're about to say
something awful...

MELVIN
Don't be pessimistic. It's not your
style. Okay... Here I goes...
Clearly a mistake.
(this is hell for him)
I have this -- what? Ailment... And
my doctor -- a shrink... who I used
to see all the time... he says 50
or 60 percent of the time a pill
can really help. I hate pills. Very
dangerous things, pills. "Hate," I
am using the word "hate" about
pills. My compliment is that when
you came to my house that time and
told me how you'd never -- well,
you were there, you know... The
next morning I started taking these
pills.

CAROL
(a little confused)
I don't quite get how that's a
compliment for me.

Amazing that something in Melvin rises to the occasion -- so
that he uncharacteristically looks at her directly -- then:

MELVIN
You make me want to be a better
man.

Carol never expected the kind of praise which would so slip
under her guard. She stumbles a bit -- flattered,
momentarily moved and his for the taking.

CAROL
That's maybe the best compliment of
my life.
85.

MELVIN
Then I've really overshot here
'cause I was aiming at just enough
to keep you from walking out.

Carol laughs.

CAROL
So how are you doing with those
pills? Well, I hopahopahopa.

MELVIN
Takes months to know... They work
little by little.
(holds his head; then)
Talking like this is exhausting.

Carol moves to the chair next to him... She sits very close -
- he tenses.

CAROL
Have you ever let a romantic moment
make you do something you know is
stupid?

MELVIN
Never.

CAROL
Here's the trouble with never.

TIGHT SHOT
for the kiss. Their faces are close
-- she looks at him... She closes
her eyes -- her face moving toward
him -- he is wide-eyed and
afraid... His face almost moves
away -- in a shot this close it's
almost flight... But now his head
moves back and he receives her
kiss. It is brief. Carol smiles
encouragement to him and herself.
Melvin can't bear the pleasure.

MELVIN
You don't owe me that.

CAROL
That wasn't payment. When you first
came into breakfast, when I saw you
-- I thought you were handsome...
Then, of course, you spoke...
86.

So now that your soft li'l
underbelly is all exposed. Tell me,
why did you bring me?

Melvin's voice is soft -- hesitant, okay, vulnerable... as
he holds up his hands in a "stop" signal.

MELVIN
Well, ah... that's a personal
question.

CAROL
Tell me even if you're scared. Tell
me why you wanted me here. It's
okay.

She kisses him again.

CAROL
If you ask me... I'll say, "yes."

MELVIN
(dissembling)
There are lots of reason... I had a
thought that if you had sex with
Simon it might...

CAROL
(humiliated)
Sex with Simon?

MELVIN
It's one idea...

CAROL
That's why you brought me? Look at
me! Is that really why you brought
me... Like I'm a what and I owe you
what?!

MELVIN
I don't know why I brought you --
that idea occurred to me is all...
It came out first... Hey, you kiss
him -- me... He says he loves you.
You two hit it off. But you don't
want to... fine... Forget what I
said about sex with Simon. It was a
mistake.

CAROL
(wiping away tears)
I'll never forget you said it.
87.

MELVIN
It was a mistake.

But she has already turned away and exits the restaurant...
Melvin alone and miserable.

Genres: ["Romance","Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Melvin and Carol go on a dinner date, but Melvin's social ineptitude leaves Carol embarrassed and humiliated.

Strengths

Realistic and relatable dialogue
Emotionally impactful scene

Weaknesses

Lack of subtlety in Melvin's social ineptitude

Critique The scene has good pacing and tension between the characters, but there are a few elements that could use improvement. Firstly, the beginning interaction between Melvin and the new valet seems unnecessary and doesn't add anything to the scene. The conversation about hard shells feels like filler and doesn't contribute to the plot or character development.

Additionally, the dialogue after Melvin compliments Carol feels stilted and forced. The sudden shift from a tender moment to discussing sex with Simon feels abrupt and out of place. It could benefit from a more natural transition or a little more build-up.

Overall, the scene is well-constructed and has some good emotional beats, but could use some tweaking to make it more fluid and believable.

Suggestions There are a few ways that this scene could be improved to make it stronger:

1. Increase the tension: There's not much tension or conflict in this scene. Melvin and Carol are getting along quite well until Melvin drops the bomb about Simon. To make the scene more interesting, try adding some tension or conflict earlier on. Perhaps Melvin is nervous and stumbling over his words, or Carol is late and Melvin is getting frustrated.

2. Show, don't tell: When Melvin tells Carol that she makes him want to be a better man, it's a great moment. But it would be even more powerful if we saw evidence of this throughout the scene. Maybe Melvin is more patient or kind than he usually is, or he goes out of his way to do something nice for Carol.

3. Make Carol more active: Carol is mostly passive in this scene, reacting to what Melvin says and does. To make her a more interesting character, give her more agency. Maybe she challenges Melvin or takes the lead in their conversation. Or she could have her own agenda that Melvin isn't aware of.

4. Cut down on the dialogue: There are a lot of lines in this scene that could be trimmed or cut altogether. A leaner scene would be more effective, with fewer words carrying more weight. Consider which lines are essential to the scene and which can be eliminated.

Scene 27 - Vulnerability Revealed

Overall: 10.0
Concept: 9
Plot: 9
Characters: 10
Dialogue: 9

104 INT. SIMON'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT 104

He finishes dialing. He is extremely tense -- not breathing -
- a lump in his throat -- trying not to let the anxiety
immobilize him... the NUMBER RINGS twice, then a humorless
male voice:

PARENTS' VOICE
(humorless male voice)
Hi. This is Fred Bishop...
(perky woman's voice)
... and Betty.
(Fred again)
We are sorry to be unable to take
your call right now. Please leave a
message and we'd appreciate your
including the time/date and purpose
of your call.
(Simon mouths the word
"date," then Betty speaks
before the beep Bye-bye.

SIMON
Ah, this is Simon... I'm here in
town...
(he waits)
... and, folks, you haven't come
home later than 10 in your lives.
Please pick up -- really... Okay...
I'm going to call again in the
morning. I need to see you. Or, at
least get you to answer the phone.

He hangs up. His parents want no part of him and he needs
help.

105 INT. HOTEL SUITE - CAROL'S ROOM - NIGHT 105

As Carol enters with some energy. We FOLLOW her as she goes
into her room -- takes her suitcase, begins throwing things
in.

106 INT. HOTEL SUITE - SIMON'S ROOM - NIGHT 106

SIMON
Hello... Hello???

Carol thrusts open the door and enters...
88.

SIMON
Was this supposed to be your room?

CAROL
Our room. I don't want to see him
and he's not going to come knocking
on your door.

Simon struggles with his shirt -- she helps him,
inadvertently venting some anger as she does so.

SIMON
Can you not be violent?

CAROL
I don't think so. You need help
with the pants?

SIMON
(emphatically)
No!!!

CAROL
I'm going to take a big bath and
order a big meal.

SIMON
Uh-huh...

CAROL
I'm sorry... are you okay?

SIMON
Well, considering everything's
horrible and tomorrow I have to
face my parents... Don't ask me ...
I'm sick of my own complaints ...
got to get me a new set of
thoughts.

CAROL
Why? What have you been thinking
about?

SIMON
How to die, mostly.

CAROL
Can you believe in our little mix
you're the good roommate.

Simon laughs -- as she crosses to the bathroom and begins to
prepare a bath.
89.

SIMON
(turning off the light)
Good night.

CAROL
Good night.

We are ON Simon settling in for sleep, when instinct or
sounds or the faint glow of hope turns him so that he faces
the bathroom and we have...

SIMON'S POV
Carol sitting at tub's edge -- a
towel around her and now as Simon
looks at the bathing beauty she
adjusts her hair -- the towel falls
-- a better than perfect breast
exposed...

BACK TO SCENE

SIMON
(a whisper)
Hold it.

He leaves the bed.

107 ANGLES ON HOTEL DESK 107

What's he up to... he takes the blotter from the desk set
and a pen from his jacket pocket which hangs on the chair
and with vigor and faint pain moves to the other side of the
bed where he turns on the light and stares at Carol.

SIMON
I've got to sketch you.

CAROL
No... Absolutely not. I'm shyer
than you think. I give the wrong
impression sometimes and...

SIMON
I haven't even been thinking about
sketching for weeks.

CAROL
Stop staring. Do a vase.

SIMON
But you're beautiful... your skin
glows.
90.

CAROL
Thanks. But I just want to take a
bath and...

SIMON
That long neck -- the line of
you... you're porcelain... your
back goes on forever. You're
classic... you're why cavemen
chiseled on walls...

CAROL
All right, cut me a break.

Simon's pen moves across the blotter -- Carol sees him
earnestly engrossed, a beat of indecision and then shyly but
deliberately she lowers the towel. He's right. She's
breathtaking.

Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Simon confesses his struggles with his parents to an unenthused Carol. Carol prepares to take a bath while Simon is in the confines of his own thoughts. Simon is intrigued by Carol's beauty while she bathes and he sketches her.

Strengths

Tension between Simon and Carol is palpable
Scene reveals the vulnerability behind both Simon and Carol's characters
Simon's sketching of Carol is a memorable moment

Weaknesses

Not much plot momentum or action

Critique Overall, the scene is well written. The tension and anxiety that Simon is feeling come across clearly, and the dialogue between him and his parents on the phone is realistic. Similarly, the dialogue between Simon and Carol is believable and adds depth to their relationship.

However, the scene is somewhat confusing in terms of its purpose. It seems to be trying to build tension and anticipation for something, but it's not clear what that is until the end, when Simon starts sketching Carol. Some more clarity in terms of the scene's purpose and how it's contributing to the overall story would be helpful. Additionally, the objectification of Carol's body (describing her as a "bathing beauty" and focusing on her breast as "better than perfect") feels unnecessary and potentially sexist.

In terms of specific elements of the writing, the use of all caps for "SIMON'S POV" is unnecessary and distracting. It would be clearer to simply state "We see Carol sitting at tub's edge." Similarly, some of the stage directions (e.g. "Simon struggles with his shirt") might be better conveyed through dialogue or action rather than simply stating it.

Overall, the scene has potential but could benefit from some restructuring and clarification of its purpose and messaging.

Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. The first dialogue exchange between Simon and his parents' voicemail could be shortened or rephrased to create more tension and urgency.

2. The transition between Simon's room and Carol's room could be smoother to avoid confusion.

3. The dialogue between Simon and Carol could be more natural and reflective of real-life conversation.

4. Simon's sudden urge to sketch Carol could be set up better earlier in the scene to make it less abrupt and more believable.

5. The description of Carol's appearance and Simon's reaction could be more nuanced and less objectifying.

Scene 28 - Morning After

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 8
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 9

108 INT. BAR - NIGHT 108

Melvin sits alone, nursing a drink. He's been talking to the
bartender.

MELVIN
So then, the next thing I know,
she's sitting right next to me, and
then, well, it's not right to go
into the details, but I screwed up.
I got nervous. I said the wrong
thing and if I hadn't, I could be
in bed now with a woman who if you
could make her smile you got a
life. Instead, I'm here with you,
no offense, a moron pushing the
last legal drug.

He sits there, just another Joe on a bar stool with his
heart breaking.

109 INT. HOTEL SUITE - SIMON'S ROOM - CLOSE ON SIMON - NIGHT109

He's excited -- smiling... We hear Carol -- also revved.

CAROL (O.S.)
I don't care how you put it --
We're being naughty here, pal.

FULL SHOT
Carol holding a pose for Simon...
He is holding a ballpoint over the
back of a hotel desk blotter. His
style cramped by his cast.
91.

SIMON
No. No. This is great, this is so
great. I can't get the angle with
this cast.

He struggles with the cast, and then decides to struggle no
more. Summoning remarkable strength, he rips a piece from
the cast, freeing his hand -- he roars ironically -- a
lion's roar of liberation. He is back at his center.

110 INT. HOTEL SUITE - LIVING ROOM - DAY 110

Melvin is having a room service breakfast.

The door opens... Simon enters. A new Simon -- better than
ever, clearly happy -- a morning-after glow.

MELVIN
Did you have sex with her?

Carol follows his out. Her arms are filled with the hotel
soaps, shampoos, etc.

MELVIN
Sorry, didn't realize she was right
there.
(a beat)
Did you have sex with her?

CAROL
To hell with sex.

Carol looks at Melvin -- he can't meet her gaze.

CAROL
We held each other. It was better
than sex. What I need he gave me
great.

SIMON
I just love her.
(beat)
How're you doing?

Melvin reacts.

111 INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY 111

Simon finishes dialing the phone... a brief wait, then:

SIMON
Hello, hi, Mom -- I can barely hear
you. Do you have to whisper?
92.

No -- don't apologize -- it was the
luckiest thing for all of us that
you didn't answer last night... I
can't hear you... okay, dear, just
listen to me then.

112 ON MELVIN AND CAROL 112

Melvin has been reduced to straight talk as Carol brings the
bathroom bounty into the room and begins to put it in her
suitcase.

MELVIN
I get why you're angry. It's no
snap to explain why I was like
that, but let's not try to do it on
the run...

SIMON
... so Mom. Truly no grudges --
truly. A little odd that you didn't
come to see me when you heard I was
hurt, but the important thing I
want you to know is your son is
happy. I'm working again. I'll make
do -- I don't want a thing.
Wouldn't take it if it was offered.
I'll drop you a note from wherever
I land and then it's up to you. I
hope we patch things up but know
that if we don't, I wish you both
the very best... I can't hear you.
You heard me, though, right? Good --
take good care. 'Bye.

He hangs up, totally satisfied with himself and rips over to
Carol and Melvin.

MELVIN
... Now he's going to want to stay.
And they'll want to take a ride to
the lake or whatever. So it's a
good five hours back. It gives us a
chance to take it easy and...

SIMON
I'm going back with you.

CAROL
But what about...

SIMON
I'll take care of myself --
93.

MELVIN
What are you talking about? You got
real problems.

SIMON
I know. I'm a little bit nervous.
Suddenly everything seems so easy.
Carol, a load has been lifted.

CAROL
One night with me!

SIMON
You think you're kidding.

Melvin stalks out.

Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Melvin and Carol deal with the aftermath of their date while Simon comes to terms with his relationship with his parents and his feelings for Carol.

Strengths "The scene effectively explores the emotional aftermath of the previous events and moves the story forward."

Weaknesses "The scene could benefit from higher stakes and more conflict."

Critique Overall, the scene lacks clarity and purpose. The first half of the scene with Melvin in the bar doesn't add much to the story or character development. It merely shows him lamenting about missing out on an opportunity with a woman, which we already knew from previous scenes. Additionally, the scene doesn't do much to advance the plot or reveal new information.

The second half of the scene with Simon and Carol in the hotel suite is more interesting, but still lacks focus. The dialogue between Simon and his mother on the phone is somewhat relevant, but it's not clear how it fits into the overall story. The conversation feels disconnected from the rest of the scene and could be cut without affecting the story.

The dialogue between Melvin, Simon, and Carol is the most engaging part of the scene. However, it doesn't have a clear goal. It feels like the characters are just talking to fill time instead of driving the story forward. The conflict between Melvin and Carol is still present but doesn't feel as urgent or important as it did earlier in the story.

Overall, the scene could benefit from clearer objectives and tighter dialogue.

Suggestions Some suggestions for improving this scene:

1. Develop the emotional arc of Melvin more clearly. Right now, it's not entirely clear why he's so heartbroken, and it's hard to connect emotionally with his character.

2. Avoid clichés. Melvin's comment about the bartender being "a moron pushing the last legal drug" is a tired trope.

3. Add more physical description. There's not much happening in terms of action or physical detail, which can be remedied by adding more sensory information.

4. Create more tension between Melvin and Simon. Their conversation is very straightforward and lacks any real conflict or tension.

5. Give Carol more agency. Right now, she's just a side character who doesn't really do much other than hold hotel soaps. She should have more of a role in the scene and more of a voice in the conversation.

Scene 29 - Moving On

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 7
Characters: 10
Dialogue: 8

113 EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY 113

The car parked near a phone booth --

MELVIN
(to Frank over the phone)
Aww Jesus! No choice.

Carol walks up to Simon in the car.

CAROL
I got a gift for you.

She hands him a base ball cap.

MELVIN
(on phone)
Nothing like no choice to make you
feel at home.

CAROL
(to Simon)
Let me see... Ahh, gorgeous!

MELVIN
Do it then. Get the dog picked up.
I can't believe you let it stay
there.

Melvin hangs up the phone.

MELVIN
Good-bye.
(to Simon)
Well, your luck is holding. They
sublet your place. You're homeless.
94.

Frank's got a line on another place
you can use for now.

SIMON
Another place where?

MELVIN
Does it matter?

Melvin gets in -- goes to the glove compartment for a
special CD labelled "For Emergency Use Only." As it PLAYS a
confessional love SONGS:

CAROL
I don't want to hear that music
right now.

MELVIN
What do you mean? You said you
liked it.

CAROL
I don't.

MELVIN
This one has a special meaning.

CAROL
It's your car but I don't want to
hear it. If that means anything.

Melvin hesitates and then turns OFF the SONG in mid-
proclamation of love.

114 EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK) - NIGHT 114

As the car arrives... They get out...

MELVIN
Here are the keys to my apartment.
I'm going to park you in my place
while I take Carol home.

CAROL
(hefting bag)
I'll take a bus.

MELVIN
I'll take you... why not?
95.

CAROL
I don't care what you did for me. I
don't think I want to know you
anymore -- all you do is make me
feel badly about myself.
(turning to Simon)
You have my number.

SIMON
(hugging her)
I love you...
(sotto)
Let him take you home.

CAROL
Don't want to. I love you.

She shakes her head and walks off. Simon looking at Melvin
with some sympathy.

MELVIN
Don't say anything.

115 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT KITCHEN - NIGHT 115

Where Verdell's ears prick.

116 INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT 116

As they enter.

MELVIN (O.S.)
I told you to go on in.

SIMON (O.S.)
Look, I've got to get a hold of
Frank and see where I'm hanging my
hat 'cause...

The door opens, revealing them:

MELVIN
I think you gotta camp it here...

SIMON
What are you talking about?

The dog vaults toward them -- all else forgotten as the dog
greets his two favorite people and they talk to him.
96.

SIMON
(to Verdell)
I know the feeling -- you feel like
your ol' self again, huh? -- Mommy
and Daddy are home.

Melvin reacts.

SIMON
Sorry... You're fun to mess with.

Melvin gets up... Simon notices some of his paintings.

MELVIN
They took your place furnished.
Jackie said she grabbed your
personal stuff -- they were
supposed to set you up here.
(leading the way)
There's this extra room -- I never
use. It gets good light. No other
answer really.

Simon follows.

117 INT. SIMON'S NEW ROOM - NIGHT 117

As they enter... the room clean and organized -- a small but
lovely garret.

SIMON
Thank you, Melvin. You overwhelm
me.

MELVIN
They did a nice job... Cozy, huh?

SIMON
I love you.

Melvin looks at him finally -- pretensions fall.

MELVIN
I'll tell you, buddy, I'd be the
luckiest guy alive if that did it
for me.

118 INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 118

As Carol unpacks, she gives gifts to her mother and Spencer.
But clearly something gnaws at her psyche.
97.

Genres: ["drama","romance"]

Summary Melvin leaves the restaurant to buy a jacket and tie and returns with only a tie causing a scene, leaving Carol embarrassed. Carol gives Simon a baseball cap as a gift, while Melvin finds Simon a temporary place to stay. Carol confronts Melvin about his behavior, and they part ways. Carol unpacks but is clearly internalizing her emotions.

Strengths "The scene offers a good mix of character development and plot advancement. It effectively conveys the emotional tension and disappointment present in both Carol and Melvin. Additionally, the scene sets the stage for the next section of the story where our characters will continue to interact and grow."

Weaknesses "The scene may not be as impactful if taken out of context, as some of the emotional stakes rely on our understanding of the relationships established earlier in the screenplay. Additionally, the scene feels somewhat disjointed, as it jumps between Melvin's interaction with Simon and Carol unpacking."

Critique Overall, this scene seems to be effective in establishing the relationships and conflicts between the characters. However, there are a few areas where it could be improved.

First, the dialogue could be tightened up in places to make it more concise and impactful. For example, the exchange between Melvin and Simon about finding a new place to stay feels a bit repetitive and could be condensed.

Secondly, some of the stage directions could be more specific to help the reader visualize the action. For example, it's not clear what Carol is doing while she hands the baseball cap to Simon - is she standing outside the car, leaning in, or already inside the car with him?

Finally, there could be more sensory details included to enhance the atmosphere of the scene. For example, what does the emergency use CD sound like, and how does it make the characters feel? Including more sensory details like this can help to make the audience feel more engaged and invested in the story.

Suggestions Overall, the dialogue in this scene could be improved by focusing on making it more concise and impactful. Here are some specific suggestions:

- In the first few lines of dialogue, it's not immediately clear what Melvin is referring to when he says "No choice." Adding a bit more context to this line could clarify the situation and make the dialogue flow better.

- When Carol hands Simon the baseball cap, it might be more effective to have her describe what it says or why it's significant rather than simply saying "Ahh, gorgeous!" This would give the audience a better idea of what's happening and add more depth to the scene.

- The conversation about the music in Melvin's car feels a bit extraneous and doesn't add much to the overall narrative. It could be cut or streamlined to help the scene flow better.

- The interaction between Carol and Melvin when he offers to take her home could use some tweaking to make it feel more natural. Perhaps they could have a more heated argument about the offer rather than Carol simply rejecting it outright.

- Simon's line "I love you" at the end of the scene could be rephrased or moved to a different moment to make it feel more impactful. As it stands, it feels somewhat anticlimactic.

In addition to these dialogue revisions, there are a few other areas that could be improved:

- There are a lot of scene changes within one short space of time (from a highway to an apartment building to an apartment). This can make the scene feel disjointed. If possible, consolidating some of these changes or finding a way to make them flow better could help the scene feel more cohesive.

- Adding more specific visual descriptions to the scene could help ground the audience in the setting and make the scene more engaging. For example, what kind of car are they in? What does Melvin's apartment look like?

Overall, this scene has potential but could benefit from a bit more attention to dialogue and visual details.

Scene 30 - Good-bye, Maybe

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 8
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 8

119 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT 119

Melvin's two digital clocks are two minutes apart... each
around 1:55 a.m... He sits in a chair still fully dressed...
forlorn... Verdell in his lap. A beat then we hear Simon's
whispered voice.

SIMON (O.S.)
Where is my big hairy boy?

Melvin is alarmed. He stops breathing as his gay houseguest
approaches.

SIMON (O.S.)
Verdell, sweeties?

Melvin breathes again. Simon enters the room.

SIMON
Sorry, didn't know you were awake.
I just thought Verdell shouldn't
get too used to sleeping in here
'cause then...

MELVIN
Look, we both want the dog --
and...

The PHONE RINGS... they look at each other. Melvin doesn't
move.

SIMON
Should I get it?

Melvin nods. Simon walks into the next room... several beats
as he finds the phone. We hear him pick it up and:

SIMON (O.S.)
Hello.

ON SIMON
SIMON
(into phone)
Hello. It's me. He took me in. Did
you know? Hold on, I'll get him for
you.

He walks back to Melvin's room.

120 INT. MELVIN'S ROOM - NIGHT 120

As he enters.
98.

SIMON
It's Carol.

Melvin is quickly out of his chair -- the dog in one mitt...
he thrusts it at Simon.

MELVIN
Here. Take the dog.

As he speeds him out...

SIMON
Good luck.

121 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 121

As Melvin picks up the phone... He clears his throat loudly.
Following is INTERCUT between Carol and Melvin -- the first
such CUT showing Carol blasted by the throat clearing.

MELVIN
Hello.

CAROL
Yeah... Well...

MELVIN
(very concerned)
How you doing?

CAROL
I can trust my brain.

MELVIN
That seems like a good choice.

CAROL
I don't know whether I'm being
sensible or hard on you.

MELVIN
The two might go together.

CAROL
See. There's an example. I don't
know whether you're being cute or
crazy now.

MELVIN
(what the hell)
Cute.
99.

CAROL
You don't have to answer everything
I say. Just listen to me. Okay?

He nods his head, "yes."

CAROL
It's really something that you're
looking after Simon. And what I
said on the street. That was a bad
thing to say. And it made me sick
to my stomach. It was a bad thing
to say. And I'd be lying if I
didn't say that I enjoyed your
company... but the truth is you do
bother me enormously and I know --
think -- that it's best for me to
not have contact with you because
you're just not ready and you're a
pretty old guy to not be ready...
and I'm too old to ignore that. But
there were extraordinary kindnesses
that did take place. So thanks for
the trips...

She's just broken up with him but she's being nicer than
ever. It's hard to know whether to die or not.

MELVIN
Okay to say something now?

CAROL
Go ahead.

MELVIN
I should've danced with you.

CAROL
Okay. Good-bye.

MELVIN
So long.

Carol hangs up. She feels strange. A shoe hasn't dropped.
Oh, hell... she missed him.

Genres: ["drama","romance","comedy"]

Summary Melvin speaks with Carol on the phone after their disastrous date, while Simon worries about his parents and bonds with Carol over a gift. Melvin and Carol come to an understanding but acknowledge their incompatibility.

Strengths "The scene is filled with closure and character development, and leaves the viewer with an overall bittersweet feeling."

Weaknesses "There isn't much in the way of action or high stakes in this scene, and it may feel slow to some viewers."

Critique Overall, this scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil of Melvin and Carol's tumultuous relationship. The dialogue feels authentic and reveals the inner thoughts and feelings of both characters. The use of intercutting between their conversation adds tension and helps to build the emotional stakes. However, there are a few areas that could be improved upon.

First, there are some unclear character motivations, particularly with Simon. It's unclear why he is so invested in Verdell, and the sudden phone call interrupting their conversation feels somewhat contrived. Adding more context and depth to Simon's character would make this scene feel more organic and less forced.

Secondly, there are some cliches in the dialogue that feel a bit cheesy and detract from the emotional authenticity of the scene. For example, Melvin's line "It's hard to know whether to die or not" feels like a melodramatic exaggeration. Simplifying the dialogue and conveying the emotions through subtext and actions rather than explicitly stating them would make the scene feel more natural.

Overall, this is a well-written scene that effectively conveys the emotional complexity of the characters' relationship. With a few tweaks, it could be even stronger.

Suggestions Overall, the scene is well-written and conveys the emotions and actions of the characters effectively. However, there are a few suggestions to improve:

1. Consider tightening up the dialogue to make it more concise and impactful. For example, instead of "It's really something that you're looking after Simon," consider "I appreciate you taking care of Simon." This makes the dialogue more direct and focused.

2. Instead of having the phone conversation intercut with Carol and Melvin separately, consider having them speak directly to each other on the phone, with reactions shown through their facial expressions and body language. This can make the scene more dynamic and engaging.

3. Consider adding more physical actions or movements to the scene to break up the dialogue, such as Melvin pacing or fidgeting with the dog. This can add more visual interest and help vary the pacing.

4. Finally, consider adding more subtext to the scene to deepen the underlying emotions and conflicts. For example, Melvin may be struggling with his own feelings of loneliness and dependency, while Carol may be grappling with her own guilt and regrets. These underlying emotions can add complexity and depth to the characters and their relationship.

Scene 31 - Melvin's Confession and Carol's Uncertainty

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 8
Characters: 8
Dialogue: 8

122 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 122

Melvin walks in anxious circles in the living room. He is
impatient.

MELVIN
You going to come talk to me or
not?
100.

SIMON
I'm coming.

We enters the room carrying Verdell who strains to be
allowed closer to Melvin. Simon releases him.

SIMON
What did she say?

MELVIN
I'm a great guy --
"extraordinary"...
(before Simon can
celebrate)
... and she doesn't want contact
with me.
(a beat)
I'm dying here.

SIMON
Because...
(gently)
... you love her?

MELVIN
(sharply)
No... and you're supposed to be
sensitive and sharp.

SIMON
Okay... you tell me why --
(mimics him)
"You're dying here."

MELVIN
I don't know... Let me sleep on it
and figure it out.
(then)
Because I'm stuck! Can't go back to
what I had... She's evicted me from
my life.

SIMON
Did you like it that much?

MELVIN
(furiously)
It was better than this... Look,
you, I'm very intelligent. If
you're going to give me advice or
conversation or consolation or
hope, you got to be better than
you're doing.
101.

If you can't be at least
momentarily interesting than shut
the hell up. I'm drowning and
you're describing water.

SIMON
(getting pissed)
Picking on me won't help.

MELVIN
Well, if that's true then I'm
really in trouble.

SIMON
But you know where you're lucky?

MELVIN
Absolutely not.

SIMON
You know who you want. I'll take
your seat any day. So do
something... don't sleep on it...
go over there. I don't think
anybody should ever sleep on
anything -- it's not always good to
let things calm down.

MELVIN
Hey... I'm charged here. But she
might kill me for showing up this
late.

SIMON
Then get in your jammies and I'll
read you a story... I think you've
got a chance. The only real enemy
you have is her ability to think
logically -- the best thing you
have going for you is your
willingness to humiliate yourself
if it gives you one chance in
whatever -- so go catch her off-
guard.

MELVIN
Okay. Thanks a lot. Here I go.

He moves for the door... stops suddenly, jolted.

SIMON
What's wrong?
102.

MELVIN
I forgot to lock the door.

123 EXT. CAROL'S APARTMENT BUILDING (CAROL'S NEIGHBORHOOD) -123

NIGHT
As he parks. He exits the car --
now wary... looks at his watch...
hesitates... walks reluctantly into
the apartment house.

124 INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT BUILDING - VESTIBULE - NIGHT 124

As Melvin looks at Carol's doorbell with great uncertainty.

125 INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 125

Carol in a cotton wrap-around dress/bathrobe... sitting
directly in front of a fan... the windows open, reading one
of Melvin's books...

There is the briefest possible sound of a DOORBELL...
someone has jabbed her downstairs button ever so briefly --
so briefly that she's not certain it's her DOORBELL -- until
the same brief sound REPEATED... She walks to her wide open
window and looks over.

HER POV
The convertible at the curb.

BACK TO SCENE

She hesitates --

126 INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT BUILDING - VESTIBULE - NIGHT 126

As Melvin gives up and starts out... turning as the sudden
blast of being BUZZED into Carol's life sounds. He bolts for
the door and enters.

Genres: ["drama","romance"]

Summary Melvin confesses his feelings for Carol and seeks advice from Simon, while Carol is uncertain about her feelings for Melvin.

Strengths "Strong dialogue and character development"

Weaknesses "Lacks significant plot development"

Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and intense with strong dialogue and conflict between Melvin and Simon. However, there are a few areas for improvement. Firstly, there is not enough description of the characters' actions and emotions. The scene relies heavily on dialogue to convey everything, but it would benefit from more physical actions or showing the characters' thoughts. Secondly, the transitions between scenes could be clearer. It takes a moment to realize that Melvin has left his apartment and arrived at Carol's. Adding a brief establishing shot or descriptive sentence could fix this. Finally, some of the dialogue could be trimmed down or refined for clarity, particularly Melvin's outburst near the end. Overall, with some minor adjustments, this scene has the potential to be even stronger.

Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene would be to add more emotional depth to Melvin's character. Right now, he is portrayed as simply anxious, impatient and angry. Adding more layers to his personality, such as vulnerability or fear, would make him more relatable to the audience.

Another suggestion would be to give Carol's character more agency. She is shown as simply sitting and waiting for Melvin to come to her. Giving her more dialogue or actions that show her actively making a decision regarding Melvin's visit would make her character more dynamic and interesting.

Lastly, incorporating more imagery or sensory details could enhance the scene and bring it to life. For example, describing the heat in Carol's apartment or the smell of the city at night could help immerse the audience in the setting and make the scene more engaging.

Scene 32 - Melvin's Confession

Overall: 8.0
Concept: 7
Plot: 8
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 8

127 INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 127

She opens the door... she hears the sound of MELVIN SOUNDING
HEAVILY up the stairs... He reaches her side.

CAROL
What do you want, Melvin?

MELVIN
Were you asleep?

CAROL
What do you want?
103.

MELVIN
'Cause if you were asleep -- I'm
sorry. And you could be grouchy.

CAROL
Grouchy?

MELVIN
... 'Cause of being woken up, and
it would make my job impossible. So
then I wouldn't even try.

CAROL
What job?

MELVIN
Were you asleep?

CAROL
What are you doing here?

ANOTHER ANGLE
Beverly in the hallway looking on --

BACK TO SCENE

MELVIN
I'm sorry I woke you -- some other
time.

He half turns to leave.

CAROL
I wasn't asleep!!

MELVIN
What a break...

CAROL
(losing it a bit)
Is it a secret what you're doing
here?

MELVIN
I had to see you...

CAROL
Because...

MELVIN
It relaxes me... I'd feel better
just sitting on the curb in front
of your house than anyplace else I
can think of or imagine.
104.

Carol has not ever heard anything like that before... it's
sort of sexy in its sincerity.

ANOTHER ANGLE
As we see in the b.g. that Beverly,
standing near her door down the
hallway, has heard at least this
last part...

Melvin, of course, cannot leave well enough alone...

MELVIN
(serious)
Wait a minute, I'm overstating
here, maybe the inside stairs. I
don't want to sit with my feet in
the gutter. What does that serve?
It only...

But suddenly Carl is shouting to the heavens.

CAROL
Stop it!! Why can't I have a normal
boyfriend??? Why? Get out of here.
Just a regular boyfriend who
doesn't go nuts on me...

BEVERLY
(butting in)
Everybody wants that, dear -- it
doesn't exit...
(as Carol turns to her)
Sorry... didn't mean to interrupt.

She disappears into her room. Carol snorts a laugh --
gathers herself. A beat.

MELVIN
(hopefully)
Boyfriend?

CAROL
Oh, come on in and try not to ruin
everything by being you.

MELVIN
Maybe we could live without the
wise cracks.

She looks at him -- then:

CAROL
Maybe we could...
105.

Melvin glances at the cracked pattern of Carol's kitchen
linoleum and stalls at the door.

MELVIN
It feels a little confined here.
Let's take a walk.

CAROL
See. It's four in the morning. A
walk sounds a little screwy to me,
if you don't mind.

MELVIN
If you need an excuse, there's a
bakery on the corner. There's a
shot it'll open soon -- that way
we're not screwy -- we're just two
people who like warm rolls.

CAROL
Okay.

Genres: ["Romance","Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Melvin confesses his feelings to Carol and they try to make sense of their situation.

Strengths "Strong emotional moments conveyed through dialogue and acting"

Weaknesses "Not much plot development"

Critique Overall, the scene has good pacing and an interesting dynamic between the characters. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.

Firstly, the dialogue that Melvin delivers when he first arrives feels a bit forced and unnatural. It could be rewritten to sound more like realistic conversation.

Secondly, the transition between Carol's outburst and Beverly interrupting feels abrupt and could use a smoother transition.

Lastly, while the scene has a lot of dialogue, there is not much action described. Adding some physical actions or movements to the scene could make it more visually interesting.

Overall, the scene has potential but could benefit from some revisions.

Suggestions 1. Rewrite the dialogue to be more natural:
The current dialogue feels stilted and unnatural. The characters' lines need to be rewritten to sound more realistic. Dialogues can be difficult to write naturally, but it's essential to ensure that it sounds like characters talking to each other, not just saying written words.

2. Give the scene more context:
The scene feels disconnected from the rest of the script. It would help if scenes before and after made it feel like it's in the same story. The dialogue needs to reflect what's been happening in the script and the characters' backgrounds.

3. Develop characters more:
It would help if you explored the characters in this scene more. Melvin's behaviour is odd, and Carol's reaction seems to come out of nowhere. It would benefit the script to add more depth into these characters so that the scene feels real.

4. Tighten up the action:
The action currently feels like it's dragging to reach the finale. It would help if the pacing were tightened so that the scene feels exciting and enjoyable to watch.

5. Consistency:
The tone of this scene varies - it feels sometimes romantic, sometimes comedic, and sometimes tense. Making it more consistent would improve the overall flow of the script.

Scene 33 - Melvin's Epiphany

Overall: 9.0
Concept: 8
Plot: 8
Characters: 10
Dialogue: 9

128 EXT. STREET - NEAR BAKERY - NIGHT 128

They walk quietly -- Melvin still walking with his usual
attention to where he steps.

CAROL'S POV
Melvin walking -- and though we can
see an improvement -- it is still
decidedly strange as he
conspicuously avoids stepping on
the lines.

BACK TO SCENE

Carol sighs. It is the sound of possibilities crashing down.
Melvin looks at her -- embarrassed, self-conscious -- his
habits making him appear unworthy.

CAROL
(gently; almost lovingly)
I'm sorry, Melvin -- but whatever
this is -- is not going to work.

ON MELVIN
He takes this hard. It forces him
to half-whisper something he hasn't
at all said to himself... given his
history... this is an extraordinary
intimacy.
106.

MELVIN
I'm feeling... I've been feeling
better.

CAROL
Melvin, even though it may seem
that way now -- you don't know me
all that well...
(as he scoffs)
I'm not the answer for you.

She starts to turn. He tugs at her arm. As she turns back to
him.

MELVIN
Hey, I've got a great compliment
for you.

CAROL
You know what? I...

MELVIN
Just let me talk.
(gathers himself with
uncertainty, then:)
I'm the only one on the face of the
earth who realizes that you're the
greatest woman on earth. I'm the
only one who appreciates how
amazing you are in every single
thing you do -- in every single
thought you have... in how you are
with Spencer -- Spence...
(he has reached her)
... in how you say what you mean
and how you almost always mean
something that's all about being
straight and good...

ON CAROL
She stands on the precipice of
being transported away from the
logic which has been her lifeline.

MELVIN
I think most people miss that about
you and I watch wondering how they
can watch you bring them food and
clear their dishes and never get
that they have just met the
greatest woman alive... And the
fact that I get it makes me feel
great... about me!
107.

(a real question filled
with concern for her)
You got a real good reason to walk
out on that?

That last question clearly a true question, not the least
rhetorical -- she considers her answer, then:

CAROL
No! It's certainly not. No -- I
don't think so. No.

MELVIN
(tentatively)
I'm gonna grab you.
(with conviction)
I didn't mean it to be a question.
I'm gonna grab you.

He kisses her. An awkward bomb of a kiss. They separate. A
tense beat. Then:

MELVIN
I know I can do better.

They embrace again. He does indeed do much better. A first-
class smooch. CAMERA MOVES DOWN to see his foot land
squarely on a crack in the sidewalk without his knowledge.
They break -- look at each other without a notion of where
to take it from here, and the ALMOST in unison begin to walk
away FROM CAMERA, Melvin following a path that avoids
cracks. Suddenly the lights of the bakery turn on as it
opens for business.

CAROL
Warm rolls...

They walk to the bakery, Melvin avoiding the cracks. As they
enter the bakery, a WORKER moves toward them to clean the
entranceway. Melvin, forced to step back onto a crack, this
time notices -- registers the momentous fact and joins Carol
inside as we:

FADE OUT

THE END

Genres: ["romance","drama"]

Summary Melvin confesses his feelings to Carol and they share an awkward kiss that turns into a passionate one. They are unsure of where to go from here.

Strengths

Powerful acting from both characters
Authentic, awkward romantic moment
Melvin's heartfelt compliment

Weaknesses

Unclear where the characters will go from here
Not much plot development

Critique Overall, this scene is well written and engaging. The dialogue is natural and the pacing is good. However, there are a few areas where it could be improved.

Firstly, the action lines could use more specific and concise language. The use of "they walk quietly" and "it forces him" make the action vague. It is important for action lines to be clear and specific, especially when they relate to character emotions and intentions.

Secondly, the character development could be deeper. While we get a sense of Melvin's quirks and Carol's hesitation, we don't know much else about them. Adding more backstory or personality traits would make the characters more dynamic and interesting.

Lastly, the scene ends abruptly with no clear resolution. While this may be intentional, it may leave the audience feeling unsatisfied. A clearer sense of what happens next or a more definitive ending could make the scene more impactful.

Overall, this is a good scene with strong dialogue and pacing, but could benefit from more specific action lines, deeper character development, and a clearer ending.

Suggestions There are a few things that could be improved in this scene:

1. Show Melvin's improvement more clearly: The scene mentions that Melvin has improved, but we don't really see it beyond his avoiding stepping on lines. Perhaps there could be other small actions to show that he is changing his habits and improving himself.

2. Develop the dialogue more: The dialogue feels a bit sparse and straightforward. Adding more depth to the conversation between Melvin and Carol could make the scene more engaging.

3. Make the kiss more natural: The scene describes the first kiss as awkward and the second as "first-class," but without any context for why or how they improved. Showing a more natural progression of the kiss and their physical interaction could make it more believable.

4. Give more closure: While the ending is cute with them going into the bakery for warm rolls, there could be more closure to the overall storyline. Perhaps a hint at where their relationship might go next or a reflection on Melvin's growth throughout the film could tie things up better.

Characters in the screenplay, and their arcs:

Melvin

Melvin is an unlikable and unsettling man with quirks and an aggressive attitude. He struggles with severe OCD tendencies and a fear of emotional attachment. He is erratic and self-centered, often speaking out of turn and displaying little to no social awareness. Despite this, he is capable of showing empathy and care, especially towards Simon's dog, Verdell. Melvin is a gruff and abrasive veteran who is trying to improve himself and connect with those around him.

Simon

Simon is a kind and caring man who deeply loves his dog, Verdell. He is a talented artist but struggles financially and emotionally due to his medical bills and debt. Simon has a traumatic past involving physical abuse and family rejection, and desires acceptance from his parents. He values his connections with friends, including Melvin and Carol.

Carol

Carol is a hardworking single mother who prioritizes her son's well-being above all else. She is caring, empathetic, and protective, but also vulnerable and emotional. She struggles to balance her personal desires with her responsibilities as a caregiver and waitress. Carol is patient and understanding with others but does not tolerate anyone who might threaten her or her son's safety.

Character	Arc	Critique	Suggestions
Melvin	Melvin starts off as an unlikable and unsettling character with severe OCD tendencies and a fear of emotional attachment. He struggles to control his actions and emotions, often coming across as abrasive and self-centered. However, as he begins to connect with Simon and care for Verdell, he starts to show a softer side. His love for Carol brings out a rare desire for self-improvement, though his social ineptitude and anxieties cause friction between them. Despite his struggles, Melvin ultimately learns to acknowledge his emotional vulnerabilities and seeks help from a psychiatrist. He tries to make amends with Carol, but it may be too late.	The character arc for Melvin is well-established and takes the audience on a journey of self-improvement and emotional growth. However, the progression of his relationship with Carol could have been further developed. It's not entirely clear what draws Melvin to her, and their chemistry is not fully explored. Additionally, some of Melvin's actions and dialogue can come across as insensitive and offensive, making it difficult to fully root for him as a protagonist.	To improve the character arc for Melvin, it would be helpful to further explore his backstory and the origins of his OCD and anxieties. This could add more depth to his character and help the audience understand his struggles on a deeper level. Additionally, more attention could be paid to the development of his relationship with Carol, exploring their chemistry and the reasons why they are drawn to each other. Finally, some of Melvin's abrasive and off-putting dialogue and actions could be toned down to make him a more sympathetic protagonist.
Simon	Simon begins as a caring and emotional dog lover who confronts Melvin about his mistreatment of animals. As the story progresses, he becomes a talented artist who hires Vincent as a model, but struggles with Vincent's sexual poses and flirtatious behavior. Simon is scarred both physically and emotionally after an attack and struggles to come to terms with his new appearance and Frank's use of his dog as a model without permission. Despite his financial and emotional struggles, Simon opens up about his past trauma and finds comfort in sharing his experiences with Carol and Melvin. He comes to terms with his relationship with his parents and his feelings for Carol, leading him to make a decision to go back with Melvin and Carol. In the end, Simon is a supportive and insightful friend to Melvin.	The character arc for Simon is well developed and consistent throughout the movie. The audience can empathize with his struggles and root for him to find happiness. However, the abrupt confession of love towards Carol feels out of place and rushed. It would have been better if their relationship was given more time to develop before the declaration was made.	To improve Simon's character arc, there could be more scenes showing his struggles with financial and emotional issues. This would make his personal growth more impactful to the audience. Additionally, his romantic feelings towards Carol could be hinted at earlier in the movie, allowing for a more gradual build-up to the confession of love.
Carol	Carol starts as a resilient waitress who can handle difficult customers like Melvin, but as she interacts with Dr. Bettes and her son's illness, she becomes more emotional and vulnerable. She struggles with her relationship with Melvin, but ultimately decides to part ways and move on. Throughout the movie, Carol transforms into a strong, independent woman who is in control of her own destiny.	The character of Carol is well-developed with a consistent personality and clear motivations. However, her arc could benefit from more external conflict or obstacles to overcome. Many of her struggles are internal, which is important but could be more compelling if there were more tangible challenges for her to face.	To improve Carol's character arc, consider adding external conflicts such as financial struggles or a work-related crisis that she must overcome. This would create more urgency and tension in the story while still allowing Carol's internal struggles to be explored. Additionally, further developing her relationship with Spencer and her romantic interests could add depth to her character.

Top Correlations and patterns found in the scenes:

Pattern	Explanation
Positive correlation between Emotional Impact and Overall Grade	Scenes with higher Emotional Impact tend to receive higher Overall Grades.
Negative correlation between Dialogue and High Stakes	Scenes with more Dialogue tend to have lower High Stakes scores.
Positive correlation between Move Story Forward and Conflict	Scenes that move the story forward tend to have higher Conflict scores.
Positive correlation between Character Changes and Emotional Impact	Scenes that show character changes tend to have higher Emotional Impact.
Negative correlation between Tone and Move Story Forward	Scenes with darker tones tend to have lower scores in Moving the Story Forward.

Stories Similar to this one

Story	Explanation
As Good As It Gets	The movie follows a similar structure of a grumpy man (Melvin/ Jack Nicholson) and his relationship with a dog. The character arc moves from a person who is reclusive and has strong self-centered tendencies to someone who is kind and caring towards those he loves.
Silver Linings Playbook	The movie follows a similar structure of two characters sharing tense moments and building a relationship. The character arc moves from characters with mental issues to those who are resolved and living better lives.
Green Book	The movie follows a similar structure of two characters from different worlds sharing tense moments and building a relationship while taking a trip. The character arc moves from initially distrustful to forming a close friendship.
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time	The book follows a similar idea of a boy with developmental issues trying to solve the murder of a dog in his neighborhood and his relationship with his family. The character arc moves from a boy who is socially isolated and emotionally challenged to someone who is more connected to his family with a new perspective on the world.
The King of Comedy	The movie follows a similar theme of a character with mental issues who is obsessed with a famous socialite in the entertainment industry. The character arc moves from a person who is lonely and alienated from society to someone who becomes part of the elite.
As Good As It Gets	The movie follows a similar structure of a grumpy man (Melvin/ Jack Nicholson) and his relationship with a dog. The character arc moves from a person who is reclusive and has strong self-centered tendencies to someone who is kind and caring towards those he loves.
The Pursuit of Happyness	The movie follows a similar theme of a character who is down on his luck, has mental issues, and is a single dad trying to provide for his son. The character arc moves from a person who is struggling financially, emotionally and socially to someone who has created a better life for himself and his son.
You've Got Mail	The movie follows a similar structure of two characters who initially dislike each other, but as they correspond through anonymous emails, they begin to build a connection and eventually fall in love. The character arc moves from dislike and mistrust towards each other to love and connection.
Good Will Hunting	The movie follows a similar structure of a young man trying to overcome his past traumas and find his place in the world. The character arc moves from a person who is troubled and hiding his immense knowledge and intellect to someone who has come to terms with his past and his abilities.

Here are different Tropes found in the screenplay

Trope	Trope Details	Trope Explanation
Pet the Dog	Melvin takes care of Verdell, showing his caring side.	Pet the Dog is a trope where a character, usually a villain or an antagonist, does a good deed or shows a moment of kindness to an animal or another character to make them seem less antagonistic or evoke audience sympathy for them. An example of this trope is in The Dark Knight, where the Joker saves Rachel Dawes before blowing up the hospital.
Tension-Cutting Laughter	Melvin's discomfort at a fancy restaurant causes embarrassment, leading Carol to leave in tears.	Tension-Cutting Laughter is a trope where a moment of tension is broken by a comedic moment that lightens the mood. An example of this trope is in The Avengers, where the Hulk smashes Loki multiple times after he claims to be a god. The comedic moment breaks the tension in the scene.
Love Confession	Melvin confesses his sentiments towards Carol, compliments her sincerely and awkwardly kisses her.	Love Confession is a trope where a character confesses their feelings to another character. An example of this trope is in Friends, where Chandler confesses his love to Monica.
Odd Friendship	Simon hires Vincent as a model for his artwork, leading to a tense scene between the two.	Odd Friendship is a trope where two characters who are very different become friends. An example of this trope is in The Odd Couple, where two single men with opposite personalities share an apartment and have to deal with their differences.
Damsel in Distress	Carol is interrupted by her sick child while in a passionate moment with a younger man.	Damsel in Distress is a trope where a female character is placed in a dangerous or vulnerable situation and needs rescuing or help from another character, often a male character. An example of this trope is in Sleeping Beauty, where Princess Aurora is put under a sleeping curse and needs Prince Phillip to rescue her.

Theme	Theme Details	Themee Explanation
Mental Illness	Melvin’s behavior is influenced by his obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and anxiety. He has a difficult time communicating with others due to his condition, which causes conflict and tension among characters.	The theme of mental illness is a prominent one throughout the film. The screenplay highlights how mental illness can affect an individual’s life, relationships, and personality. Melvin’s condition is depicted as debilitating and challenging for himself and those around him. The theme serves to increase awareness of mental health issues and to encourage empathy for those who struggle with them.
Relationships	The screenplay explores different types of relationships, including friendship, romantic relationships, and parent-child relationships. The narrative delves into the complexity, fragility, and strength of these connections.	Relationships are a significant theme in the screenplay. The development and evolution of relationships affect the characters' actions, decisions, and emotions. The screenplay highlights how individuals in a relationship negotiate their boundaries, goals, and expectations. Moreover, the theme explores how relationships can have a redemptive and healing quality.
Redemption	Melvin's transformation from a rude and selfish individual to a caring and empathetic one highlights the theme of redemption. Simon's forgiveness towards Melvin, despite their rocky relationship, also demonstrates redemption.	The theme of redemption is a profound one in the screenplay. It shows how people can change and grow when presented with challenges and opportunities. The theme emphasizes how individuals' self-reflection and actions can positively impact themselves and the people around them.
Empathy	The screenplay portrays the importance of empathy in building connections and understanding others. Melvin's character arc involves learning to empathize with those around him, leading to a change in his behavior.	Empathy is a critical theme in the screenplay. It highlights the value of understanding others' perspectives and feelings. Characters that demonstrate empathy are depicted as compassionate, caring, and emotionally intelligent. The theme serves to encourage viewers to understand and appreciate others better.
Isolation	Melvin's obsessive-compulsive disorder and anxiety contribute to his sense of isolation. Simon's character is also depicted as isolated due to his physical limitations.	The theme of isolation is present in the screenplay. It deals with characters that experience loneliness, disconnection, or a lack of belonging. The screenplay highlights how isolation can lead to mental health issues and hinder individuals' growth and development. The theme aims to raise awareness of the negative impact of social isolation and the importance of social support.

Screenwriting Resources on Themes

Articles

Site	Description
Studio Binder	Movie Themes: Examples of Common Themes for Screenwriters
Coverfly	Improving your Screenplay's theme
John August	Writing from Theme

YouTube Videos

Title	Description
Story, Plot, Genre, Theme - Screenwriting Basics	Screenwriting basics - beginner video
What is theme	Discussion on ways to layer theme into a screenplay.
Thematic Mistakes You're Making in Your Script	Common Theme mistakes and Philosophical Conflicts

Voice Analysis
Summary:	The writer's voice in the screenplay is characterized by sharp and witty dialogue, naturalistic and realistic narrative description, and efficient and concise direction. The writer focuses on character psychology and motivation, and uses vivid sensory details to enhance the mood and depth of the screenplay.
Voice Contribution	The writer's voice contributes to the script by creating authentic and relatable characters, establishing a realistic and immersive world, and exploring complex themes such as emotional growth, vulnerability, and the power of human connections. The dialogue and narrative description reflect the characters' personalities and motivations, while the direction adds urgency and tension to the scenes.
Best Representation Scene	12 - Melvin's breakdown at the psychiatrist
Best Scene Explanation	Scene 12 showcases the author's unique voice in the screenplay. The sharp and acerbic dialogue is delivered in quick wit and repartee, displaying the distinct voices of the characters. The narrative description is efficient and minimalistic, focusing on necessary actions and emotions. The scene direction is understated yet evocative, adding depth and tension to the interactions between the characters.

Originality

Overall originality score: 5
Overall originality explanation: The screenplay features both familiar scenarios and fresh ideas, with authentic character dialogue and actions contributing to its overall originality.
Most unique situations: The most unique situations in the screenplay include the tension between Melvin and Simon over the mistreatment of a dog, Melvin's ritualistic cleaning routine, and Carol's emotional struggles while caring for her sick child.

Goals and Philosophical Conflict
internal Goals	The protagonist's internal goal is to find a sense of community and connection with others, while Simon's internal goal is to be reunited with his lost dog and to confront Melvin. Melvin's internal goal is to establish control over his surroundings, overcome his OCD, and seek acceptance and connection from others. Carol's internal goal is to explore her sexuality, be a responsible mother, and maintain her composure in the face of Melvin's criticisms. The protagonist's internal goal evolves from seeking power and validation to seeking friendship and belonging.
External Goals	The protagonist's external goals include intimidating and harassing Simon, finding Verdell and returning him to Melvin, proving his worth as a model, and finding a new place to live. Simon's external goal is to pay the Handyman and find someone to walk his dog while he is recovering. Melvin's external goals include eating food, interacting with people, seeking help for his OCD, and convincing Carol to stay with him. Carol's external goals include delivering orders, finding out what is wrong with her son, and maintaining her job and financial stability.
Philosophical Conflict	The overarching philosophical conflict in the screenplay revolves around the clash of values and beliefs between characters. This includes conflicts between selfishness and kindness, power dynamics and empathy, control and chaos, personal desires and responsibilities, appearance-based judgments and authenticity, cynicism and optimism, and change and stagnation. These conflicts challenge the characters' beliefs and force them to question their behavior and worldview.

Character Development Contribution: The evolving internal goals of the protagonist, Simon, Melvin, and Carol contribute to their character development by showcasing their growth, vulnerabilities, and desires. As their goals evolve, they are forced to confront their fears, challenge their existing beliefs, and seek personal growth and connection. Through their internal journeys, they learn to prioritize empathy, kindness, acceptance, and personal transformation.

Narrative Structure Contribution: The protagonist's internal and external goals, as well as the overarching philosophical conflicts, contribute to the narrative structure by creating tension, conflict, and character development. These elements drive the plot forward and create meaningful interactions and relationships between the characters. The evolving goals and conflicts also provide a sense of progression and development for the protagonist, making the narrative more engaging and compelling.

Thematic Depth Contribution: The protagonist's internal and external goals, as well as the philosophical conflicts, contribute to the thematic depth of the screenplay by exploring themes of loneliness, connection, personal growth, acceptance, and the importance of empathy and kindness. The characters' journeys and interactions highlight the complexities of human relationships, the power of transformation, and the potential for personal redemption. These thematic elements add depth and resonance to the screenplay, elevating it beyond a simple character-driven story.

Screenwriting Resources on Goals and Philosophical Conflict

Articles

Site	Description
Creative Screenwriting	How Important Is A Character’s Goal?
Studio Binder	What is Conflict in a Story? A Quick Reminder of the Purpose of Conflict

YouTube Videos

Title	Description
How I Build a Story's Philosophical Conflict	How do you build philosophical conflict into your story? Where do you start? And how do you develop it into your characters and their external actions. Today I’m going to break this all down and make it fully clear in this episode.
Endings: The Good, the Bad, and the Insanely Great	By Michael Arndt: I put this lecture together in 2006, when I started work at Pixar on Toy Story 3. It looks at how to write an "insanely great" ending, using Star Wars, The Graduate, and Little Miss Sunshine as examples. 90 minutes
Tips for Writing Effective Character Goals	By Jessica Brody (Save the Cat!): Writing character goals is one of the most important jobs of any novelist. But are your character's goals...mushy?

World Building

Physical environment: The world depicted in the screenplay is primarily contemporary New York City and its various settings, including apartment buildings, restaurants, hospitals, and streets. The physical environment is ordinary and mundane, with no unique characteristics or elements that stand out.
Culture: The cultural element is focused on the interactions between the characters, showing the daily life of people in a metropolitan area. There are hints of socioeconomic status, mental health stigma, societal values, and relationships between family members.
Society: The societal structure is not explicitly stated in most scenes but is implied through the power dynamics and interactions between characters. There are glimpses of a class distinction and societal stigmatization towards mental health. There are also non-traditional societal structures in some scenes, such as non-committal relationships.
Technology: Technology is not a significant aspect present in the screenplay. There are only mentions of characters having phones in their apartments and Melvin working from home.
Characters influence: The physical environment, cultural elements, societal structure, and technology all shape the characters' experiences and actions. They affect the atmosphere of each scene and contribute to the tension, emotions, and conflicts between the characters. The characters' personal situations, such as Simon's medical bills and Carol's sick child, are also a significant influence on their actions and feelings.
Narrative contribution: The worldbuilding elements serve as a backdrop for the character interactions and their emotional journeys. They establish the atmosphere and set the stage for the conflicts and tensions that arise between the characters. While the physical environment is not unique, the cultural and societal elements add depth to the narrative by exploring themes such as mental health stigma, class distinction, and relationships between family members.
Thematic depth contribution: The worldbuilding elements contribute to the thematic depth of the screenplay by highlighting the characters' personal struggles, societal values, and emotional journeys. They showcase the challenges of facing mental health stigma, exploring non-traditional societal structures, and dealing with personal trauma and loss. The world elements add complexity to the characters' experiences and emotions, creating a layered and nuanced portrayal of their lives.

Screenplay Rating:

Recommend

Executive Summary

As Good as It Gets is a well-crafted character-driven screenplay that effectively balances comedic and dramatic elements. The screenplay establishes the main characters, Melvin and Simon, in the early scenes and then skillfully develops their complex relationship throughout. The character arcs, particularly Melvin's, are the core strength of the screenplay, as the audience is drawn into his journey of transformation. While there are a few areas that could be tightened, such as pacing in certain sections, the screenplay is overall a strong, emotionally resonant story that would be well-suited for an adult-oriented, character-focused drama.

Strengths

The screenplay establishes the main characters, Melvin Udall and Simon Nye, effectively in the early scenes. Their first interactions set up their antagonistic yet complex relationship well. high ( Scene 1 (1) Scene 2 (5) )
The character development is strong, particularly for Melvin, as he starts to open up and show vulnerability, while still maintaining his quirks and flaws. high ( Scene 9 (27) Scene 10 (31) Scene 11 (35) )
The screenplay effectively balances the comedic and dramatic elements, creating a layered and emotionally resonant story. high ( Scene 22 (79) Scene 23 (87) Scene 24 (90) )

Areas of Improvement

The restaurant scene could be tightened and made more focused, as it feels a bit meandering at times. medium ( Scene 26 (103) )
The pacing could be improved in certain sections, particularly towards the end, to maintain narrative momentum. medium ( Scene 30 (119) )

MissingElements

Some additional insight into Simon's backstory and motivations could help further develop his character arc. medium ( Scene 16 (57) Scene 17 (61) )

NotablePoints

The screenplay effectively explores the relationships between the main characters, particularly the growing bond between Melvin and Carol. high ( Scene 15 (54) Scene 18 (62) )
The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals much about the characters, especially Melvin's transformation. high ( Scene 21 (77) Scene 32 (127) )

Memorable lines in the script:

Scene Number	Line
26	Melvin: You make me want to be a better man.
6	Simon: If you look at someone long enough, you discover their humanity.
12	Melvin: What if this is as good as it gets?
14	Melvin: I think of a man and take away reason and accountability.
2	Melvin: '... Son-of-a-bitch-pansy-assed-stool-pusher.'

Feedback

As good as it gets

Executive Summary

Overview

Pass/Consider/Recommend

Market Analysis

Analysis Criteria Percentiles

Writer's Voice

Characters

Story Shape

Screenplay Story Analysis

Scene 1 - As Good as it Gets - Scene 1

Scene 2 - Verdell Returns Home

Scene 3 - Confrontation with Melvin

Scene 4 - Melvin crosses a line

Scene 5 - A vulnerable moment

Scene 6 - Model Shoot

Scene 7 - Confrontations and Creativity

Scene 8 - Attack and Confession

Scene 9 - Melvin's Apartment and Hospital Visit

Scene 10 - Melvin takes care of Verdell and writes

Scene 11 - Verdell's Return

Scene 12 - Melvin's breakdown at the psychiatrist

Scene 13 - Melvin's Unwanted Arrival at Spencer's Apartment

Scene 14 - Financial Woes and Unwanted Advances

Scene 15 - The Hospital

Scene 16 - Hospital Visit

Scene 17 - Simon's Struggle

Scene 18 - Carol Confronts Melvin

Scene 19 - Melvin and Simon's Conversation

Scene 20 - Love and Loss

Scene 21 - Melvin's Request

Scene 22 - Packing and Leaving

Scene 23 - The Car Ride

Scene 24 - Trauma Stories

Scene 25 - Restaurant Disaster

Scene 26 - The Awkward Dinner Date

Scene 27 - Vulnerability Revealed

Scene 28 - Morning After

Scene 29 - Moving On

Scene 30 - Good-bye, Maybe

Scene 31 - Melvin's Confession and Carol's Uncertainty

Scene 32 - Melvin's Confession

Scene 33 - Melvin's Epiphany

Characters in the screenplay, and their arcs:

Top Correlations and patterns found in the scenes:

Stories Similar to this one

Here are different Tropes found in the screenplay

Screenwriting Resources on Themes

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YouTube Videos

Screenwriting Resources on Goals and Philosophical Conflict

Articles

YouTube Videos

Recommend

Executive Summary

Memorable lines in the script: