Pinocchio

Genres: Drama, Family, War, Fantasy, Horror, Musical, Comedy, Adventure, Dark, Coming-of-age



Summary Geppetto grieves for his son Carlo at his grave, while remembering their happy times together. A cricket appears and takes a liking to Carlo's pine tree. Geppetto carves a wooden puppet named Pinocchio, who comes to life and explores the world with reckless abandon. Pinocchio becomes entangled in the world of fascist propaganda and recognizes the importance of telling the truth. He runs away to join a carnival, where he is taken advantage of and enslaved. Pinocchio eventually discovers the truth and stands up to his oppressor. He reunites with Geppetto and other friends, but faces danger as they encounter a sea monster. Eventually, Pinocchio sacrifices himself to save Geppetto, but is brought back to life by the wishes of his loved ones.


Screenplay Story Analysis

Story Critique The overall story of this screenplay is a poignant and emotional journey of a father mourning the loss of his son and finding hope and redemption through the creation of Pinocchio. The flashbacks effectively showcase the bond between Geppetto and Carlo, and the scenes set in the village, church, and on the hill create a vivid sense of setting. The introduction of Count Volpe and the carnival adds a layer of conflict and danger to the story. The tensions between Pinocchio's desire for fame and Geppetto's concern for his safety are well portrayed. The scene in which Pinocchio confronts Death and learns about mortality is a powerful moment. The ending, with Pinocchio coming back to life and honoring the memories of Geppetto and Spazz, is heartwarming.

Suggestions: One suggestion to improve the screenplay would be to further develop the themes of loss and burden, as these are central to Geppetto's character arc. Exploring how Geppetto copes with his grief and finds solace in carving Pinocchio could provide more depth to his journey. Additionally, the character of Count Volpe could be further developed to enhance the conflict and raise the stakes. It would also be beneficial to tighten the structure of the story, as the screenplay seems to jump between different plot points and scenes without a clear narrative flow. Finally, while the whimsical and imaginative details in the scenes with Pinocchio in the town and church are effective, it would be helpful to have a stronger connection to the overall story and themes.

Note: This is the overall critique. For scene by scene critique click here



Summary of Scene Level Analysis

Scene Strengths
  • Strong emotional resonance and effective use of flashbacks to convey Geppetto's loss and longing.
  • Engaging world-building and imaginative details.
  • Compelling dialogue and exploration of themes around fascism and obedience.
  • Action-packed scenes with high stakes and tension.
  • Well-developed character relationships and arcs.
Scene Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot development and conflict in some scenes.
  • Repetitive or heavy-handed dialogue in certain moments.
  • Limited development of certain characters or themes.
  • Slow pacing or lack of action in some scenes.
  • Low emotional impact or stakes in certain scenes.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing plot and conflict in scenes that lack them, while also maintaining emotional resonance.
  • Work on crafting more nuanced and impactful dialogue that avoids cliches and heavy-handedness.
  • Continue exploring themes around fascism and obedience, while also developing characters and relationships further.
  • Balance slow-paced scenes with action-packed ones to maintain audience engagement.
  • Prioritize creating higher emotional stakes and impact in scenes that lack them.

Note: This is the synthesis. See scene by scene analysis here


How scenes compare to the Scripts in our Library

Note: The ratings are the averages of all the scenes.
Title
Grade
Percentile Before After
Structure 8.63  91 The matrix: 8.61 Pinocchio: 8.63
External Goal 8.37  83 The matrix: 8.33 Pinocchio: 8.37
Concept 8.2  83 Amadeus: 8.1 fight Club: 8.2
Originality 7.05  78 Inglorious Basterds: 7.02 Pinocchio: 7.05
Formatting 9.08  69 LA confidential - draft: 9.05 Scott pilgrim vs. the world: 9.08
Internal Goal 8.22  65 What we do in the shadows: 8.13 Pinocchio: 8.22
Engagement 8.68  62 LA confidential - draft: 8.67 Pinocchio: 8.68
Emotional Impact 7.5  56 Deadpool: 7.4 Inception: 7.5
Plot 8.1  54 The sweet hereafter: 8.0 Vice: 8.1
Character Changes 5.9  47 Community: 5.8 Breaking Bad: 5.9
Pacing 8.39  45 Everything Everywhere All at Once: 8.34 Pinocchio: 8.39
Overall 8.2  45 The sweet hereafter: 8.1 Donnie Darko: 8.2
High Stakes 7.0  38 Lucifer: 6.7 Mr. Smith goes to Washington: 7.0
Story Forward 7.7  38 Breaking Bad: 7.6 Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde : 7.7
Conflict Level 7.1  31 Boyz n the hood: 7.0 American beauty: 7.1
Characters 8.0  29 Hors de prix: 7.9 Donnie Darko: 8.0
Dialogue 7.0  7 Stranger things: 6.9 the Shining: 7.0



See the full analysis by clicking the title.

1 The Loss of Carlo "Melancholic" 9 8 89 10 6974035010 79798
2 Geppetto and Carlo's Life "Sentimental" 8 8 76 9 498303609 7108109
3 Geppetto Remembers Carlo "nostalgic" 9 9 83 9 208202508 86899
4 Geppetto Mourns for Carlo "Somber" 9 9 96 10 79880108010 8101098
5 Geppetto's Grief "somber" 8.2 8 86 8 789908809 87889
6 Geppetto's Grief "Melancholic" 9 9 98 8 6896078010 798109
7 Pinocchio Comes to Life "Suspenseful" 9 8 97 9 889808909 89898
8 Pinocchio wreaks havoc in Geppetto's workshop "Chaotic" 8 8 89 7 487906807 69998
9 Pinocchio Visits the Fascist Town "Whimsical" 8 8 64 8 376404606 68889
10 Pinocchio Causes Chaos in Church "Tense" 8 8 87 7 6891009808 798109
11 Geppetto teaches Pinocchio about the consequences of lying "Whimsical" 8 8 87 9 698605706 878108
12 A Puppet's Demands "Whimsical" 7 8 78 7 568704706 77899
13 A Night of Reflection "Whimsical" 7 8 66 8 398302404 688109
14 Count Volpe's Palace "Whimsical" 7 8 66 7 498607605 69998
15 Pinocchio Goes to School and Receives a Gift from Geppetto "Innocent, heartfelt" 8 9 86 8 787605809 789109
16 Pinocchio Gets Caught Up in the Carnival "Exciting" 8 9 89 7 589908807 79989
17 Pinocchio's Temptation "tense" 9 8 98 9 79890101008 89998
18 Pinocchio performs at the carnival "Upbeat" 8 9 76 8 689707807 78899
19 Pinocchio's Betrayal "Tense" 9 9 88 9 887100101009 7109109
20 Pinocchio Goes to Limbo "Whimsical" 8 9 89 7 286504604 78899
21 Pinocchio Meets Death "Somber" 9 10 98 9 799606709 889109
22 Pinocchio's Resurrection "Satirical" 7 8 69 7 689909706 710989
23 Pinocchio's Plan "Heartbreaking" 8 8 96 7 798907809 88999
24 Pinocchio Runs Away "Tense" 9 10 97 8 789809808 79998
25 Pinocchio's Journey Continues "Nostalgic, hopeful" 8 7 86 8 688404807 69989
26 Pinocchio Performs for Il Duce "Hopeful, but with underlying tension" 8 7 85 8 689808807 89889
27 The Chase "Intense" 8 7 98 7 7889010907 69888
28 Pinocchio stands up against Count Volpe "Tense" 8.5 8 98 8 7910909908 710998
29 Pinocchio's Farting Puppet Show for Il Duce "Satirical" 8 8 810 8 789908906 7991010
30 Pinocchio Confronts Mortality "dark" 8 10 97 7 6897010808 89889
31 In the Youth Camp Dormitory "tense, patriotic, introspective" 8 7 88 9 589605607 89898
32 The Battle for Honor "Slightly comedic but with serious undertones" 9 8 87 9 689706706 79987
33 The Final Lesson "intense" 8 7 90 8 800100101008 70000
34 Escape from Count Volpe's Lair "Tense" 9 8 96 8 8899010907 798109
35 Escape from the Dogfish "tense" 8 7 87 8 789808806 688109
36 Escape from the Dogfish "Tense" 7 7 86 6 2899010906 287109
37 Escape from the Dogfish "Tense" 8 8 97 7 79990101009 610988
38 Pinocchio Comes Back to Life "Sad, hopeful" 9 9 108 8 98108089010 798108
39 Epilogue "Bittersweet" 8 9 77 8 788403609 89899


Scene 1 - The Loss of Carlo
PINOCCHIO



Written by


Guillermo del Toro
and
Patrick McHale




Based on

"Pinocchio" by C. Collodi
DARKNESS:

CRICKET (V.O.)
By the time master Geppetto made
Pinocchio, he had already lost a
son...

FADE IN:


EXT. THE HILL - DUSK

CRICKET (V.O.)
Now this was quite a few years
before my time, but I learned the
story... and then it became my
story...

Some autumn leaves are blowing by.

Small hill by a pine forest, and RED birch trees. AUTUMN. A
lonely figure standing by a wooden grave marker. This is
GEPPETTO. Able-bodied and in his mid-seventies, but sorrow
ages him. A shock of white hair- matching his unruly beard-
haloing his strong, noble face.

He is consumed by grief. He kneels by the grave, brushes off
the snow.

Embedded- and framed- by the wooden grave marker, there is a
photograph of a beautiful boy of TEN, Carlo. And the
inscription on the grave reads:

CARLO, MY ANGEL, Gone back to heaven, February, 1916.

CRICKET (V.O.)
Geppetto lost Carlo during the
Great War. They had been together
only ten years-
(beat)
-but it was as if Carlo had taken
the old man’s life with him...

Geppetto looks at the photograph and smiles a tremulous
smile. A tear rolls down his cheek.

CAMERA pushes on the photograph. We transition to:


EXT. GEPPETTO WORKSHOP - TREE (THE PAST) - DAY

Cold WINTER day. CARLO swings in a tree swing. Looks up at
planes passing overhead. Jumps off the swing. He rushes back
to the house, pretending to be an airplane.
2.


CARLO
(airplane sounds)


INT. GEPPETTO WORKSHOP - DAY

The workshop is a WARM wonderland of toys and marionettes.
Everything is hand-carved: doors, furniture, shelves,
utensils.

CARLO
Papa, Papa...

GEPPETTO
Yes?

CARLO
Guess what I saw!

GEPPETTO
What?

CARLO
Guess!

GEPPETTO
I have no idea.

CARLO
I saw some planes!

GEPPETTO
Oh, did you? Good.

Geppetto is carving a puppet. Carlo tries to steal a look.

CARLO
What is it you’re making this time,
Papa?

GEPPETTO
Guess.

CARLO
A soldier? A magician? A witch?

GEPPETTO
No, no, no, no, no, no, no! You’ll
have to wait and see, Carlo. All
good things require patience!


-DRAG WOOD BACK TO THE HOUSE.
3.


-FEED THE FIRE TOGETHER.

CRICKET (V.O.)
They wanted for nothing; all they
needed was each other’s company.

-HAVE A MODEST BUT ABUNDANT MEAL TOGETHER. CROSS THEMSELVES
AND EAT.

GEPPETTO
(quietly praying)
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary Geppetto, consumed by grief, kneels by the grave of his son Carlo. He remembers the joy they used to share before Carlo was taken from him during the Great War. Flashback to when Carlo was alive and happy.
Strengths "This scene sets up a strong emotional foundation for the story. It establishes the relationship between Geppetto and Carlo, and the deep loss that Geppetto feels."
Weaknesses "There isn't much plot development in this scene, and the dialogue is fairly straightforward."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 8

Originality: 9

The level of originality in this scene is high due to its fresh take on the classic Pinocchio story. The scene enhances Geppetto's character by giving him an emotional backstory. The dialogue and character actions are authentic, making the scene feel realistic.


Character Development

Characters: 10

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 9

Geppetto's internal goal in this scene is to process and let go of his grief for his son, Carlo. It reflects his deeper need for accepting loss and moving on.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is not clearly defined, but there is a hint of it being to continue living his life after the loss of his son.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 3

Story Forward: 5

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the age-old question of dealing with loss that challenges Geppetto's beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it evokes emotions and captures the audience's attention with emotive writing, giving insight into Geppetto's character and the world he inhabits.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene is moderate, allowing time for character development and emotional impact. However, some of the transitions feel abrupt.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear visual descriptions of the setting and characters, making it easy to visualize.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear and concise introduction, and it focuses on character development through dialogue and actions.


Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and sets up a strong emotional foundation for the story. The use of the cricket as a narrator adds a layer of depth to the storytelling, and the transition from Geppetto mourning at his son's grave to a flashback of him with Carlo is seamless. The dialogue between Geppetto and Carlo feels authentic and establishes their loving relationship. However, there could be a bit more visual description of the workshop and its toys to really bring the world to life. Additionally, there could be more sensory detail to help the audience fully experience the scene. Overall, though, the scene effectively sets up the emotional stakes for the story and establishes a strong relationship between Geppetto and Carlo.
Suggestions There are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Consider cutting the first few lines of dialogue from the Cricket. Instead, start directly with the image of Geppetto at the grave marker. This will create a stronger visual impact and allow for more immediate emotional connection with the character.
2. When describing Geppetto, use fewer adjectives and focus more on his actions and expressions. This will allow the actor playing the part to convey more nuance and subtlety in the performance.
3. Consider reformatting the dialogue in the scene to be more succinct and focused. For example, instead of having Carlo guess several different things, have him guess once and then have Geppetto respond in a more meaningful way.
4. Look for opportunities to incorporate more sensory details into the scene, through description and action. For example, describing the smell of the fire they are tending to or the feel of the snow on Geppetto's hands.
5. Consider adding more conflict or tension to the scene to create more drama and engage the audience. This can be done through character interactions, subtext, or external factors such as weather or time constraints.



Scene 2 - Geppetto and Carlo's Life
INT. GEPPETTO BEDROOM - NIGHT

Carlo is in his hand-carved bed, decorated with Italian fairy-
tale pictures. Light snow falls outside a window.

Geppetto reads Carlo a fairy tale.

GEPPETTO
And the old witch warned the little
hedgehog- do not tell lies, or your
nose will grow and grow- up to
here!

Geppetto extends his finger out from his nose to demonstrate
it growing. Carlo’s eyes sparkle, still immersed in the
story.

CARLO
His nose would grow?

GEPPETTO
Lies, my dear boy, are found out
immediately, because they are like
long noses- visible to all but the
teller of the lie...
(beat)
And the more you lie... the more it
grows...

They both laugh as Geppetto encompasses Carlo in the blanket,
tickling him through the fabric.

CARLO
(yawns)
Sing me Mama’s song so I can sleep,
please, Papa?

GEPPETTO
Alright.
4.


Geppetto grabs his accordion and starts playing a sweet
LULLABY.

He clears his throat and then begins.

GEPPETTO
(singing)
My Son... My son... You are my
shining Sun. My moon. My stars.
My clear blue daylight sky.

Carlo closes his eyes and what follows is a series of
vignettes over different seasons.


-GEPPETTO PUSHES CARLO ON A SWING.

CARLO
Higher, Papa! Higher!

GEPPETTO (SONG) V.O.
And if you looked at me today, my
heart would heal so fast. And if
you held me right away, I’d be
complete at last... At last...


-GEPPETTO TEACHES CARLO TO CARVE MARIONETTES.


EXT. BUTCHER’S SHOP

Geppetto installs a pig-doorbell on the BUTCHER’S SHOP.

GEPPETTO
Try it.

Carlo pulls the strings to test it out.

He’s paid with sausages and HAM!!

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
Thank the ladies.

The BUTCHER SISTERS laugh at how excited Carlo is. How cute.

Geppetto walks Carlo up to the school and gives him a book.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
For you.

CARLO
(small gasp)
For me?
5.


GEPPETTO
For you, Carlo.

Waves goodbye to Carlo as he heads off to SCHOOL. Carlo joins
happy kids.

GEPPETTO (SONG) V.O. (CONT’D)
You are my favorite, favorite
thing. Better than Sunset- Better
than spring: You bring me joy, You
make me sing. In the morning and
the evening too. You are everything
to me and I love you.


INT. GEPPETTO WORKSHOP

Carlo studies his SCHOOLBOOK beside his father. Geppetto
proudly glances at his studious son.

Geppetto carves the FACE OF A CHRIST.


INT. CHURCH - DUSK

Geppetto and Carlo install the unpainted crucifix in church.

GEPPETTO
Pull, Carlo! Pull!

TOWN PRIEST
Magnificent work, Geppetto.

GEPPETTO
Thank you.


EXT. THE HILL - DAY

Geppetto rests in a bed of moss near the forest, a picnic
spread out before him. Carlo flies a kite nearby, giggling
with childish glee as it dances upon the wind.

GEPPETTO (SONG) V.O.
My Son, My Son: You are my golden
Sun.


-GEPPETTO AND CARLO CHOP DOWN A TREE.

As it starts to fall Geppetto lunges forward to quickly pull
Carlo out of the way.
6.


GEPPETTO
(stuttering)
Watch out, Carlo!


-CARLO LOOKS FOR A PERFECT PINE CONE.

GEPPETTO
(speaking)
When one life is lost, another must
grow.

CARLO
How about this one?

Carlo shows him a scraggly-looking pine cone.

GEPPETTO
(speaking)
No- no- no- no, Carlo. It has to be
perfect- complete. See? This one’s
missing some of its scales...

Carlo nods, examining the imperfect pine cone.


-GEPPETTO CARVES. CARLO WATCHES AND HELPS.

GEPPETTO (SONG) V.O.
My Son, My Son: You are my shining
Sun...


INT. GEPPETTO WORKSHOP - DUSK

Geppetto carves a pair of clogs for Carlo.

Then PAINTS them beautifully in bright colors.
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary Geppetto remembers his joyful times with his son Carlo through a series of flashbacks.
Strengths "Establishes a deep emotional connection between Geppetto and Carlo and sets up the conflict for the rest of the story."
Weaknesses "The flashbacks could have been shorter and more concise."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 7

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situations depicted are familiar, such as the father-son relationship and the teaching of valuable life lessons, the writer's unique voice and portrayal of Italian culture adds a fresh perspective.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 4

Internal Goal: 9

Carlo's internal goal is to feel safe, loved, and secure in the midst of many changes in his life, such as starting school and growing up. His desire to hear his mother's song and be enveloped by his father's love and affection reflects his deeper needs for comfort and stability.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is not explicitly stated in this scene, but can be implied as the need for guidance and care in his new experiences, such as starting school and learning to carve marionettes.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 3

Story Forward: 6

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict present in this scene is the tension between reality and fantasy. Geppetto's fairy tale and teachings about lying and growing noses juxtapose with the mundane tasks of carving and installing a pig-doorbell, highlighting the importance of storytelling and imagination in a world that can be harsh and unkind.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 10

This scene is engaging because of the tender and nostalgic tone and the portrayal of a loving father-son relationship. The use of recurring motifs and vivid imagery creates emotional depth and investment in the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of this scene effectively balances quieter moments of affection and tenderness with more active scenes of carving and installation. The use of montage and vignettes contributes to a sense of movement and progression in the narrative.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The formatting of this scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre. The use of V.O. and CONT'D effectively conveys the flow of dialogue and action.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene is well-crafted, beginning in Geppetto's bedroom and moving through a series of vignettes that advance the narrative while establishing the emotional arc of the characters. The scene follows the expected structure for its genre of family drama.


Critique Overall, this scene does a good job of establishing the loving relationship between Geppetto and Carlo. The use of the fairy tale and lullaby, as well as various activities they do together, help create a warm and nurturing environment for the audience to connect with the characters.

However, one potential improvement could be to reduce the number of vignettes shown in the scene. Some of them, such as Geppetto installing the pig-doorbell and Carlo finding the perfect pine cone, don't necessarily add much to the overall story or character development. Streamlining the series of events might make the scene feel more focused and purposeful.

Another critique is that the dialogue can sometimes feel a bit exposition-heavy, especially in Geppetto's lines about lying and noses growing. Finding more subtle ways to hint at themes or character traits could add more depth and nuance to the scene.

Overall, while there are some areas that could be improved upon, the scene succeeds in delivering an emotional and heartwarming moment between Geppetto and Carlo that sets up their relationship for the rest of the story.
Suggestions Overall, this scene does a good job of establishing the relationship between Geppetto and Carlo and their daily life. However, here are some suggestions for improvements:

1. Show more emotion: While the dialogue between Geppetto and Carlo is sweet, the scene could benefit from some more emotional moments. For example, when Geppetto sings the lullaby, show Carlo snuggling up to him or closing his eyes in contentment. Or, when Geppetto gives Carlo the clogs, have Carlo react with excitement or gratitude.

2. Use more visual storytelling: While there are some vignettes included in the scene, there could be more opportunities to show rather than tell. For example, instead of having Geppetto tell Carlo about the hedgehog's nose growing, show a sequence of Carlo telling a lie and his nose actually growing.

3. Create more conflict: While this is a sweet scene, it lacks any real conflict or tension, which can make it feel somewhat stagnant. Consider adding a moment of tension between Geppetto and Carlo, or an external conflict that they must overcome together.

4. Develop themes: While the scene does touch on some themes, such as the importance of honesty and the passage of time, these could be developed further. Consider weaving the theme of honesty throughout the scene in different ways, or having the vignettes all relate to the theme of growing up and passing time.



Scene 3 - Geppetto Remembers Carlo
INT. GEPPETTO BEDROOM

Carlo yawns and sleepily nestles back down in his pillow.
Geppetto puts down his accordion and gets into his own bed.

CARLO
Good night, Papa...

GEPPETTO
Good night, my son.
7.


EXT. TOWN STREETS - DAY

WINTER -- February, 1916

Snow still lingers around town. Geppetto and Carlo go by,
dragging a WOODEN CART filled with the paints and tools.
Geppetto is well groomed. Carlo sits on the back of the cart,
proudly wearing his new brightly colored clogs.

CARLO
I love my new shoes, Papa.

GEPPETTO
I’m very glad, Carlo.

CARLO
We’re going to church first, right?

GEPPETTO
Oh yes, yes.

Carlo spots a stray dog on the side of the road.

CARLO
Hello there, little dog.

We see the town: a BEAUTIFUL village with turn-of-the-century
buildings peppered amongst Medieval hamlets and workshops:
The spirit of the town is LIVELY. Geppetto and Carlo wave to
people as they travel through town.

STREET SWEEP WOMAN
Buongiorno, Geppetto.

Carlo and Geppetto pass by an alley with sleeping dogs and
lighthearted posters. They pass by more townspeople going
about their day.

CARNIVAL WORKER #2
Morning.

GEPPETTO
Morning!

THE BUTCHER says “hello” as do the YOUNG TWIN DAUGHTERS.

BUTCHER
Master Geppetto! You gonna finish
that crucifix today?

GEPPETTO
We’re gonna do our best! Ladies.
8.


TWIN DAUGHTER 1 TWIN DAUGHTER 2
Such a perfectionist! Such a perfectionist!

The BLACKSMITH and his WIFE hammer horseshoes.

THE BLACKSMITH
(he will become PODESTÀ)
A model Italian citizen!

PODESTÀ'S WIFE
And such a good father.

FRUIT VENDOR
Carlo, nice shoes. Catch!

The FRUIT VENDOR tosses him an orange.

CARLO
Thank you, sir!

MILLINER
Good morning.

CARLO
Hi!

Geppetto and Carlo head up towards a MASSIVE STONE CHURCH,
romanesque and looming above the town, casting a shadow over
it. A few people bustle about in front. THE DOCTOR AND HIS
WIFE pass by and greet them.

DOCTOR
Buongiorno.

GEPPETTO
Buongiorno, Dottore.

THE TOWN PRIEST awaits Geppetto on the steps.

TOWN PRIEST
Ahh, Carlo. Geppetto.

The Priest reaches out and shakes Geppetto’s hand to welcome
him.

Carlo runs ahead and sees the nearly finished Crucifix.
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Geppetto remembers joyous moments with his son in a flashback while grieving at his son's grave.
Strengths "Strong emotional resonance and an effective use of flashbacks to convey Geppetto's loss and longing."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks significant plot developments and conflict."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 8

Originality: 3

The scene is not very original as it relies on common tropes and settings. The characters' actions and dialogue are authentic but not necessarily unique.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 2

Internal Goal: 0

The protagonist's internal goal is not clear in this scene as it mainly focuses on their external goal and interactions with other characters.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to go to church with his father and complete the crucifix he is working on.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 2

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 2

Story Forward: 5

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no philosophical conflict evident in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 6

The scene is engaging to a certain extent as it introduces the characters and the world they inhabit but there is not much happening in terms of action or conflict.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is good with a smooth transition between locations and a good balance between character interactions and descriptions of the world.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene is well formatted with clear scene headings and descriptions. The writer has followed the expected format for the genre.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre and the transition from one location to another is smooth and easy to follow. The scene is well formatted with clear scene headings and descriptions.


Critique Overall, this scene is well-written, with clear and descriptive action and dialogue. However, there are a few areas that could be improved upon.

Firstly, the transition between the bedroom scene and the town streets could be smoother. It feels abrupt and could benefit from a clearer indication of the passage of time. Additionally, it is not immediately clear who Carlo and Geppetto are or what their relationship is, which may be confusing for viewers.

Secondly, while the descriptions of the town and its inhabitants are vivid, there may be too many characters introduced in this scene. It could be difficult for viewers to keep track of who's who and what their significance is.

Finally, the scene lacks any clear conflict or tension. While it's possible that this is just a calm interlude in the story, it's generally more engaging for viewers if there is some kind of obstacle or challenge that the characters must face.

Overall, this scene could benefit from some tightening and reworking to create a stronger emotional connection with viewers.
Suggestions Overall, this scene serves as a good establishment of the town, characters, and the relationship between Geppetto and Carlo. However, there are a few suggestions to improve it:

1. Show more of Geppetto's emotions: Currently, Geppetto seems to be going through the motions and doesn't have much emotion in his lines or actions. It would be beneficial to show more of his emotions, especially towards Carlo.

2. Create more conflict: While the scene shows a happy and lively town, it would be more engaging for the audience if there was some sort of conflict or tension introduced. This could be as simple as a disagreement between Geppetto and Carlo, or something more significant like a feud between characters in the town.

3. Create more detail in descriptions: The scene could benefit from more detailed descriptions of the town, the people, and the setting. This will help the audience better visualize and immerse themselves in the world of the movie.

4. Use visual cues: While the dialogue is good, it can be supplemented with visual cues. For example, instead of having characters say "Good morning," have them wave, nod, or bow to show their greeting. This will make the scene more interesting to watch and less reliant on dialogue.



Scene 4 - Geppetto Mourns for Carlo
INT. CHURCH - EVENING

Geppetto still painting. Carlo looks up from his SCHOOL BOOK.
9.


CARLO
It looks great, Papa! Is it almost
time to go home?

GEPPETTO
Almost. Send up a little more red
for me.

CARLO looks in Geppetto’s COMPLEX TOOL/PAINT BOX and passes a
paint jar, using a bucket.

CARLO
Oh! I forgot to show you what I
found!

GEPPETTO
What is it, my boy??

CARLO
You’ll see...Ta-da!!!

Carlo has hidden a PINE CONE in the bucket.

GEPPETTO
(laughing)
The PERFECT pine cone! It still has
all its scales!

CARLO
I thought I could plant it myself
and watch the tree grow. And then
carve toys for myself- like you do.

Geppetto laughs, proud.

GEPPETTO
I think that’s as good an idea as
any boy ever had, Carlo...

Geppetto tosses the pine cone down to Carlo. He fumbles and
bats it around several times before safely securing it.

CARLO
Isn’t it?

A low rumble drones above their heads.

CARLO (CONT’D)
What’s that sound, Papa?

Geppetto listens.

CARLO (CONT’D)
Is it a plane?
10.


Geppetto grows concerned, but shakes it off. He climbs down
the scaffold- agile- nimble.

GEPPETTO
Gather the tools- quickly. We’ll go
home to a warm fire and hot soup.

CARLO
Can we have some hot chocolate too?

GEPPETTO
(distracted)
Sure, sure.

CARLO
It seems like a hot chocolate sort
of day...doesn’t it?

GEPPETTO
Oh yes, yes, yes. Fa-fine.

Geppetto isn’t listening. His attention is on the ominous
sounds outside. He heads towards the exit of the church.
Carlo starts to follow him.


EXT. CHURCH - NIGHT

Geppetto stands at the foot of the church and looks up in the
sky.

CARLO
Papa, what is it?

GEPPETTO
Nothing. I’m sure it’s nothing,
but...

CARLO
Oh wait, my pine cone!

Carlo returns to collect his pine cone.

The sky is peppered with planes, going to war. Bombs explode
in the distance.

CRICKET (V.O.)
It was later said that Geppetto’s
little town was not even a target-
that these planes were heading back
to base and simply let go of their
bombs to make their ballast
lighter...
11.


One of the planes- THE BIGGEST ONE-

-Releases 3 large bombs.

THE BOMBS FALL- whistling-

-heading for the ground-

GEPPETTO
(gasps)
Carlo!

Geppetto runs back to the church-

Inside the church Carlo finds his missing pine cone.

-But it is too late! The bombs hit the church and burn the
frame. Debris flies everywhere.

Geppetto falls to the ground. His ears ringing.

All he can see is fire.

Something lands near him: Carlo’s perfect PINE CONE.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
No. Carlo.

Geppetto passes out.


CAMERA TRACKS INTO: THE BURNING CHURCH.

CUT TO:


EXT. THE HILL - DUSK

Geppetto plants the pine cone by Carlo’s grave, and cries. A
few MOURNERS keep their distance.

Then they move away, leaving Geppetto alone with his grief.

Two men hammer the headstone into the ground.

DISSOLVE TO:


INT. CHURCH

CRICKET (V.O.)
Geppetto never left his side- and
that was that. He worked very
little, he ate even less...
(MORE)
12.
CRICKET (V.O.) (CONT'D)
and the Church’s crucifix remained
unfinished...

-The bombed out church- the broken, maimed crucifix, examined
by the angry Town Priest. He begins to pray.


EXT. THE HILL

-Geppetto in the WINTER, cleaning Carlo’s grave.

-Geppetto in the SPRING, laying flowers on the grave.

-Geppetto in the SUMMER, telling stories with puppets.

-Geppetto in the FALL, singing a song with his accordion.
Genres: ["Drama","War"]

Summary Geppetto remembers his son Carlo through a series of flashbacks while grieving at his son's grave.
Strengths "Emotionally impactful scene that explores themes of loss and grief. Well-drawn characters and relationships."
Weaknesses "Dialogue can feel a bit on-the-nose at times. Some moments can feel overly sentimental."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 9

Originality: 6

The scene uses familiar symbols such as the pine cone and puppets to communicate the characters' emotions and desires, but it adds originality through its World War II setting and the use of planes dropping bombs in the distance.


Character Development

Characters: 10

Character Changes: 7

Internal Goal: 9

Geppetto's internal goal is to protect and care for his son, as seen through his concern for Carlo's pine cone and his later grief at his loss.

External Goal: 8

Geppetto's external goal is to secure his tools and get home safely before the bombing intensifies.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 10

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is the futility of human action against war and tragedy. Geppetto tries to protect Carlo and keep him happy, but ultimately is powerless to stop the war and save his son.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 10

The scene is engaging because it creates tension and anticipation through the sound of distant bombing, and culminates in a tragic event that is emotionally resonant.

Pacing: 10

The pacing of the scene is effective, building tension and suspense through the sound of bombing and culminating in a tragic event that is emotionally impactful.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene is formatted well, with clear and concise scene descriptions and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic scene, building tension and culminating in a tragic event.


Critique The scene is well-written in terms of character development, emotion, and setting. It effectively presents the relationship between Geppetto and Carlo, conveying their affection for one another and their shared love of art and creativity. The use of the pine cone as a symbol of growth and renewal is a nice touch, adding deeper layers to Carlo's character and emphasizing the theme of hope in the face of tragedy.

However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details and visual imagery to enhance the atmosphere. The bombing and destruction of the church could be more vividly described to create a stronger sense of danger and urgency. Additionally, the dialogue is a bit on-the-nose at times, with characters explicitly stating their thoughts and emotions rather than letting their actions and expressions speak for themselves.

Overall, the scene effectively sets up the central conflict and emotional stakes of the story, with Geppetto's grief and loss driving his journey towards redemption.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to emphasize the impending danger of the planes and bombs, perhaps by including more scenes or sounds of the planes flying overheard or explosions in the distance. This would heighten the tension and make the bomb drop more impactful. Additionally, adding more emotional weight to the scene, perhaps by exploring Geppetto's reactions and grief in more depth, would also make it more impactful and heart-wrenching for the audience.



Scene 5 - Geppetto's Grief
INT. GEPPETTO WORKSHOP - THE YEARS PASS.

CRICKET
The years passed, the world moved
on, but Geppetto did not...

Geppetto DRINKS alone in his cold, lifeless bedroom. He
stares at Carlo’s old SCHOOL BOOK and a few other mementos.
He passes out, asleep.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:


EXT. THE HILL - SUNSET

SPRING -- Saturday, APRIL 9, 1939.

A PINE TREE has grown out of Carlo’s grave. Storm clouds.

CRICKET (V.O.)
And this is where I come in...

CAMERA discovers SEBASTIAN J. CRICKET. A somewhat elegant
cricket, but still a cricket. He hops along the grass, uphill-
carrying a CANVAS BAG AND A SUITCASE in one arm, and a
LEATHER-BOUND VOLUME AND A KNAPSACK tucked under the other.

CRICKET (V.O.)
Y’see I was a writer- and for years
I’d been looking for the ideal
conditions to set my illustrious,
fascinating life-story to paper.
Until at long last... I found it:
13.


The Cricket approaches the grave and looks UP-

- To a nook in the pine tree.

CRICKET (V.O.)
My sanctuary. HOME!


INT. NOOK - SUNSET

It begins to rain outside, but the nook is spacious and dry.
The Cricket examines the space- standing on its own two hind
legs- like a proud homeowner. He is making it “cozy”.

CRICKET (V.O.)
HERE I could write my memoirs! And
what a tale it would be! I had
lived in a barrister’s fireplace in
Sardinia, sailed on the Adriatic in
a fishing boat! Nested one Perugian
winter with an acclaimed sculptor!!

Cricket takes a portrait- places it on a knot in the nook and
then displays his inkwell and quill.

He writes the title of his book:

CRICKET
“Stridulations of My Youth”
By Sebastian J. Cricket.

Then:

The Cricket looks out the nook.


EXT. THE HILL - SUNSET

Geppetto sprawled beside grave, bottle in hand in the rain.

GEPPETTO
(weeping)
I dreamed of you, Carlo...I
dreamed, you were right back here
with me. My son.

The Cricket watches Geppetto, crying by the grave.

CRICKET
Oh dear.

GEPPETTO
If only I could have you back
here... I’m so sorry...
14.


CRICKET (V.O.)
I watched the old man weep and it
moved me... And it turns out that I
wasn’t the only one watching him...

The Cricket looks into the woods.


FROM THE WOODS

THE WINGED FIGURE watches Geppetto.

CRICKET
In my many wanderings on this
earth, I’ve learned that there are
old spirits living in the
mountains, in the forests...

The Cricket and her make eye contact.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
Who rarely involve themselves in
the human world-

The GLOWING EYEBALLS fade into the bark of the trees.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
But on occasion... They do.

GEPPETTO
I want you back, Carlo- right
here...with me!


GEPPETTO SLAMS HIS FIST AGAINST THE TREE.

GEPPETTO
Why won’t you listen to my prayers!
Why!!

A deluge of rain pours down from the branches.

The Cricket takes one last pitiful look at furious Geppetto,
as he marches away, stumbling- shakes his head, and goes back
inside.


INT. NOOK - NIGHT

Cricket sits down and starts to write again-

CRICKET
Ahh, where were we? Ah yes,
Perugia.
15.


when--

His handwriting shakes- wavers. The whole nook shakes.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
Whoaaah! What in my antennae-?
Oooof!!!


EXT. THE HILL - NIGHT

From Cricket’s POV inside the nook, we see Geppetto using an
axe to chop down the tree. Lighting! THUNDER!


INT. NOOK - SAME

The Cricket’s world SHAKES with every hack of the axe,
causing him to lose balance. He scrambles to keep his papers
safe.

GEPPETTO (O.S.)
I will have him back. I’ll make
Carlo again.

CRICKET
Wuhh...Hey!!

GEPPETTO
Out of this accursed pine!!


EXT. THE HILL - NIGHT

Rain pours down. Wind whirls. Lightning! THUNDER CRACKS!

Geppetto hacks the tree with an axe.


INT. NOOK - NIGHT

C-c-crack! Tree falls. Cricket goes weightless (ref: Magnolia
ambulance scene).

CRICKET
ahhhahaha!

It lands HARD. His papers strewn all over.
Genres: ["drama","fantasy"]

Summary Geppetto drinks alone in his room and dreams of his son Carlo before passing out. A cricket appears and claims a nook in the pine tree planted on Carlo's grave as its sanctuary to write its memoirs. The cricket watches as Geppetto weeps over the grave, accompanied by a mysterious winged figure in the woods. Geppetto, furious, begins to chop down the tree, causing the cricket's world to shake.
Strengths "The scene highlights the grief and desperation Geppetto feels for his son, along with introducing new characters like the cricket and mysterious winged figure. The use of flashback and present-day scenes adds depth to Geppetto's character."
Weaknesses "The scene could have benefitted from more dialogue and character interactions, as well as more context about the mysterious winged figure."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.2


Story Content

Concept: 7.5

Plot: 8

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the anthropomorphic characters and supernatural elements are unique, the themes of loss and mourning are well-established in literature and film. However, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue make this scene feel fresh and compelling.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 7

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not clear, as there are two protagonists: Geppetto and Sebastian J. Cricket. However, Geppetto's actions and dialogue suggest that his internal goal is to be reunited with his son Carlo, whom he dreams about and mourns for.

External Goal: 9

The protagonists' external goals are clear: Geppetto wants to bring Carlo back to life, while Sebastian J. Cricket seeks to write his memoirs in his new home in the pine tree.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 8

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no clear philosophical conflict evident in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 7.5

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because of its compelling characters, unique setting, and emotional resonance. However, the lack of clear conflict or plot development limits its overall engagement level.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective, with a mix of slower and faster moments that create a sense of tension and anticipation. The use of lightning, thunder, and rain also add to the pacing and rhythm of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene is also well-executed, with clear scene headings, character names, and action lines that make it easy to visualize the action.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene is well-crafted, with clear transitions between the different settings and characters. It follows the expected structure for its genre.


Critique Overall, this is a well-written scene that effectively sets up the introduction of the character Sebastian J. Cricket and his relationship to Geppetto. The use of voiceover narration from Cricket's perspective offers an interesting angle to the scene and adds to the whimsical tone of the story. However, there are a few areas that could be improved upon:

- The passage of time could be clearer in the transition from Geppetto drinking in his bedroom to the shot of Carlo's grave with the pine tree. It's not immediately clear how much time has passed between these two moments, and some clarification would help ground the audience in the story.
- Geppetto's dialogue when he's at Carlo's grave comes across as a bit on-the-nose and melodramatic, which could be toned down. Additionally, the use of exclamation marks in his dialogue feels excessive and could be removed to make his lines feel more natural.
- When the tree falls, it's not clear what's happening to Sebastian J. Cricket. The line "Cricket goes weightless" doesn't quite convey what's happening and could be revised to be more descriptive.

Overall, this is a solid scene that sets up the story and characters in an intriguing way. With a few minor revisions, it could be even stronger.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Show more of Geppetto's internal conflict: Geppetto's grief over the loss of his son is a key emotional component of this scene, but it's mostly communicated through dialogue. Consider including flashbacks or other visual cues that show his pain and how it's affecting him over time.
2. Develop Sebastian J. Cricket's character: While the introduction of the cricket character is fun and adds some humor to the scene, it's not entirely clear why he's there or what purpose he serves in the larger story. Consider fleshing out his backstory or motivations to make his presence more meaningful.
3. Use more active descriptions: Some of the action in this scene is described in passive or vague terms (e.g. "Geppetto drinks alone," "The Cricket examines the space"). Look for opportunities to make the descriptions more visceral and engaging for the reader.
4. Consider the pacing: The scene jumps around in time a bit (from the years passing to the present day), which makes it feel a bit disjointed. Consider restructuring the scene to make the transitions between timeframes more seamless and the pacing more even.



Scene 6 - Geppetto's Grief
EXT. THE HILL

Geppetto drags a piece of the trunk back towards-
16.


EXT. GEPPETTO HOUSE

-His house.

CRICKET
(Gasps)


INT. GEPPETTO WORKSHOP

The Cricket pops out of the tree like a submarine captain,
dizzy from his journey. He is inside the workshop.

He follows Geppetto in his drinking binge: stumbling drunk
and retrieving sharp carving instruments.

SHINK! A bark spud slides across surface, almost decapitating
Cricket!

CRICKET
What on earth? Nooo!

He narrowly escapes and hides in a cuckoo clock.

As Cricket watches with morbid fascination, camera adjusts to
reveal a TINY MAN standing right behind him! Wait, no, it’s
just a wooden peg doll from the cuckoo clock. Phew!

HE almost kills the Cricket as the clock strikes the hour.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
Oww! Ohhh! Oooh!

Geppetto looks at a picture of Carlo (one ear visible in
photo). He witnesses Geppetto carve Pinocchio- furiously.
Vehemently.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
It’s a house of horrors!
(gasps and covers his eyes)

He finishes one beautifully carved ear, little curls of hair
on one side of his head. He touches the ear tenderly.

He cries at the sight. He prays- to no one in particular.

Geppetto hammers some nails. Attaches a carved hand. Hinges a
knee. Places the head on the neck joint.

We see an unfinished, basic puppet, sketched but crude.

PINOCCHIO.
17.


GEPPETTO
I... I will finish you tomorrow...

Geppetto stumbles to the stairs.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
Yes, tomorrow...

But passes out halfway up the steps- slides down and slumps
on the floor.

A glowing eye blinks into view in front of Geppetto. It
inspects him.

Cricket watches curiously. Another eye floats in to inspect
Cricket.

CRICKET
Shoo, Shoo, Shoo, Shoo, Shoo!

Cricket sees eyes are swarming all around Pinocchio.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
Hey! Get away from there! Go away!
Bugger off!

Cricket jumps to Pinocchio, trying to scare away the eyes.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
No, no, no, no, no! This is my
home! No trespassing! Go, go, go,
go. Get away from here! Go! Go
away! Go away!

Eyes drift away.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
Yes, that’s right!

The eyes begin to form a FIGURE. The FIGURE DISPLAYS its
wings (covered with eyes in place of feathers) and reveals
the benign face of a PALE WOOD SPRITE. The face has clear
similarities to Carlo’s mother’s face, but is simplified and
statuesque.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
Now what?

The Cricket watches as the Pale Figure approaches Pinocchio.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
(in awe)
Whoa!
18.


WOOD SPRITE
Little wooden boy... May you rise
with the sun and walk the earth...

CRICKET
Excuse me- Can I help you?

Unnervingly, the FIGURE half turns, ALL EYES ON THE CRICKET,
WINGS FLUTTERING.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
This is my home we’re talking
about!

He hops towards the Wood Sprite.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
(harrumphs)
May I ask- Who on earth are you?

WOOD SPRITE
On Earth? A Guardian. I care for
the little things, the forgotten
things- the lost ones.

CRICKET
Well, I am Sebastian J. Cricket:
HOMEOWNER. And I have every right
to be consulted about your schemes
and machinations regarding my
property.

WOOD SPRITE
Well, since you already live in the
heart of the wooden boy, perhaps
you can help me.

CRICKET
Help you what?

WOOD SPRITE
To watch over him: guide him to be
good.

CRICKET
I’m not a governess, madam, I am a
novelist- a raconteur- currently
immersed in writing my memoirs.

WOOD SPRITE
Well, in this world you get what
you give. Take on this
responsibility, and I will grant
you one wish.
19.


CRICKET
And that could be anything?
Anything at all?

Cricket scratches his antenna with his hind leg.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
The publication of my book? Fame?
Fortune?

WOOD SPRITE
Anything.

Cricket looks to Pinocchio, who lays in the corner, half in
shadow, limbs akimbo.

CRICKET
Hmm, maybe I CAN help. I’ll try my
best and that’s the best anyone can
do!
(beat)
Hehe, that’s rather clever, isn’t
it?

Cricket turns back to Wood Sprite, who touches the puppet
with her GLOWING RIGHT HAND:

WOOD SPRITE
Little wooden boy. Made of pine- We
shall call you Pinocchio- may you
rise with the sun and wander the
earth and bring joy and company to
that poor heartbroken man- be his
son- fill his days with light- so
he’ll never be alone.

The Cricket is perched on Pinocchio’s nose. ZAPPP! He is
electrocuted by the Wood Sprite’s magic. He falls to the
table.

She then fades away...

The light fades away as well.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Drama"]

Summary Geppetto drinks alone and carves Pinocchio while the cricket watches, only to be interrupted by a mysterious wood sprite. The wood sprite asks the cricket to help guide Pinocchio towards being good in exchange for a wish.
Strengths "Strong emotional impact, interesting themes, and an intriguing new character with the wood sprite."
Weaknesses "The dialogue is somewhat lacking, and the scene could use more conflict and character development."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 9

Originality: 8

The scene is fairly original in its approach to the classic story of Pinocchio and Geppetto. The addition of a magical wood sprite and a talking cricket add fresh elements to the narrative, while the vivid descriptions of the woodcarving process and Geppetto's emotional turmoil feel authentic and grounded.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 8

The Cricket's internal goal is to survive in this dangerous environment and protect his home. His fear is heightened by the possibility of losing his property and being forced to leave the safety of Geppetto's workshop.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to negotiate with the wood sprite and protect Geppetto and Pinocchio from harm. He wants to avoid being forced out of his home and also fulfill his desire for fame and fortune.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 7

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the tension between the natural and the supernatural. Geppetto's carving tools represent human ingenuity and skill, while the wood sprite embodies a magical force that is beyond his control.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a unique and compelling take on a familiar story, while also introducing new characters and conflicts. The writer's voice is distinctive and captivating, pulling the reader into a surreal and magical world.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and setting up conflicts, but there are moments where the action slows down slightly. However, this allows for more character development and exploration of the magical world the writer has created.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The scene is well-formatted and adheres to professional screenwriting standards. The action lines and dialogue are easy to read, and the scene transitions are clear and effective.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a classic three-act structure, with a clear beginning, middle, and end. The dialogue and action are well-sequenced, and the scene builds tension effectively.


Critique Overall, this scene has a lot of interesting elements and a clear objective in advancing the story of Pinocchio's creation and introduction to the world. However, there are some areas where the scene could be improved for maximum impact and clarity.

Firstly, some of the dialogue could be revised to be more concise and effective. For example, the Cricket's initial gasp could be replaced with a more clear and impactful line. Additionally, some of the dialogue between the Cricket and the Wood Sprite could be streamlined to convey the same information and tone in fewer words.

There is also some potential confusion in the action and description of the scene. For example, it's not clear what is meant by "He follows Geppetto in his drinking binge." Is Geppetto drinking while he carves Pinocchio? Also, the way the Pale Wood Sprite is described as having eyes on its wings instead of feathers is a bit confusing and might benefit from a clearer explanation.

Finally, while there are some vivid and compelling details in the scene, there is also some unnecessary language that could be trimmed for flow and pacing. For example, some of the Cricket's exclamations of "Shoo, shoo, shoo!" could be replaced with a more dynamic use of action and description to convey his fear and frustration.

Overall, this scene has a lot of potential, but could benefit from some revision to ensure clarity and dynamic impact.
Suggestions 1. Increase clarity: Several parts of the scene are confusing and require improved clarity. For instance, it isn’t clear who the tiny man is, which could easily confuse the audience.

2. Simplify the dialogue: Several parts of the dialogue contain complex language, which could be difficult for the audience to follow. Simplifying the dialogue would help improve the overall understanding of the scene.

3. Focus on one main objective: The scene seems to have multiple objectives, including the introduction of the Wood Sprite, dialogue with the Cricket, and Geppetto’s carving of Pinocchio. Focusing on one main objective would help improve the pacing and clarity of the scene.

4. Increase tension: Although the scene contains interesting elements, it lacks tension. Add tension by increasing the conflict between the characters or adding a sense of mystery or foreboding.

5. Expand character development: The scene could benefit from more character development, particularly for the Cricket. Give the Cricket more backstory or a character arc to make the scene more impactful.



Scene 7 - Pinocchio Comes to Life
INT. FIREPLACE - MORNING

Geppetto wakes up at the bottom of the stairs. Through the
fog of sleep we hear faint footsteps and clattering.

He looks around, hungover but curious of the sounds.

He notices: The Puppet is gone.
20.


He notices: The picture of Carlo, knocked over and covered in
wood shavings.

He looks under the workshop table: Nothing.

He hears more noise. Reacts quickly and bumps his head on the
table.

Clattering. It’s coming from above. A ladder leads to an
attic crawlspace over the workshop.

GEPPETTO
Who goes there??

Geppetto grabs an AXE from the ground and moves cautiously.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
I...I’m warning you. I...I have a
weapon!

He climbs the ladder, and enters the attic.


INT. ATTIC - MORNING

Suspenseful horror movie sequence: Geppetto pops his head
into the dim attic.

In the dark corner is a strange, unnatural writhing-and-
rattling THING. Geppetto approaches trepidatiously. As his
eyes adjust he sees there is something ALIVE in the attic.

The THING steps into the light like Frankenstein, revealing
its grotesquely lit face: it is PINOCCHIO!

PINOCCHIO
Good morning, Papa!

Pinocchio is alive!

GEPPETTO
ARRRRRGH!!!

Geppetto screams in absolute horror!!

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
W-what is this??! What kind of
sorcery?!

PINOCCHIO
You wanted me to live! You asked
for me to live!
21.


GEPPETTO
Who- Who--are you!??

PINOCCHIO
My name is Pinocchio! I’m your son!

Geppetto frantically holds the axe.

GEPPETTO
You’re not my son! Don’t come near
me!

Sebastian J. pops out of Pinocchio’s chest.

CRICKET
The boy is telling the truth,
Master Geppetto!

GEPPETTO
Arrrgh!! It’s full of cockroaches!

Geppetto recoils.

The old man backs up in terror, hitting his head on the low
ceiling, tripping backwards through the crawlspace door,
hitting his chin as he falls down...
Genres: ["Drama","Fantasy","Horror"]

Summary Geppetto wakes up to find Pinocchio missing, and discovers him alive in the attic. Geppetto initially reacts with horror, but eventually comes to believe that Pinocchio is his son.
Strengths "Strong suspenseful tone, effective use of flashbacks to build emotion and backstory, compelling character arc for Geppetto."
Weaknesses "Some dialogue feels cliched or over-the-top, certain character actions and reactions are not entirely believable."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 9

Originality: 7

This scene offers a fresh take on the Pinocchio story by introducing horror elements and portraying Geppetto as a frantic, overwhelmed character. The dialogue is authentic to the characters and the suspenseful pacing keeps the audience engaged.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 8

Internal Goal: 8

Geppetto's internal goal in this scene is to find his missing puppet and understand what is happening in his workshop. This reflects his desire for control and understanding amidst chaos.

External Goal: 9

Geppetto's external goal is to confront the strange creature in the attic and protect himself with the axe. This reflects the immediate danger and threat he is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 8

Story Forward: 9

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is not a clear philosophical conflict evident in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it keeps the audience on edge with its suspenseful pacing, unexpected reveal of Pinocchio, and the physical action of Geppetto climbing the ladder and holding the axe.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building suspense and revealing the character of Pinocchio in a surprising way. The action is well-described and the dialogue adds to the tension.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, concise action and dialogue, and a clear emphasis on building suspense.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a buildup of tension, a reveal of the monster, and a climactic moment of confrontation and realization.


Critique Overall, this scene is effective in creating suspense and horror, and it sets up the reveal of Pinocchio's existence. However, there are a few areas where it could be improved.

First, the stage directions could be tightened up. For example, instead of "He notices: The Puppet is gone," it would be clearer and more concise to write, "The puppet is missing." Similarly, instead of "Clattering. It's coming from above," it could simply be "Clattering from above." This would make the scene flow more smoothly and be easier to read.

Second, there could be more detail about Geppetto's emotional state. We know he is hungover and curious, but we don't get a sense of how he feels when he sees that the puppet and the picture are disturbed. Does he panic? Is he concerned but rational? Including more information about his internal thoughts and feelings would make him a more compelling character.

Finally, the dialogue could be improved. Geppetto's warning that he has a weapon feels a bit cliche, and his reaction to Pinocchio that "You're not my son! Don't come near me!" is a bit simplistic. Giving him more nuanced reactions would make him a more interesting character. The same goes for Pinocchio and Sebastian J. - their dialogue feels a bit on-the-nose and could benefit from more subtlety and complexity.

Overall, though, this is a solid scene that effectively builds tension and sets up what promises to be an exciting story. With a bit of tweaking, it could be even better.
Suggestions Overall, this scene could benefit from some reworking to better establish the stakes and sense of urgency. Here are a few suggestions:

- Consider adding more context to the opening shot. Is Geppetto waking up from a particularly wild night? Is he always hungover? Adding a bit of detail can help make the scene feel more grounded.
- Instead of simply having Geppetto react to the noises he hears, consider giving him a clear goal (i.e. finding Pinocchio). This will give the scene more structure and a sense of direction.
- The reveal of Pinocchio alive could be made more visually impactful. Is there a way to make the audience feel more surprised or shocked by his appearance?
- Rather than having Geppetto immediately scream and recoil at the sight of Pinocchio, consider having a beat where he tries to process what's happening. This will give the scene more emotional weight and make it feel less like a cheap scare.
- Finally, consider ending the scene on a more dramatic beat. As it stands, Geppetto simply falls down and hits his chin, which doesn't feel like a satisfying resolution to the tension that's been building. Is there a way to end the scene on a more meaningful or surprising moment?



Scene 8 - Pinocchio wreaks havoc in Geppetto's workshop
INT. GEPPETTO WORKSHOP - MORNING

...and landing on the hard floor of the workshop. The axe
tumbles from his hand.

Pinocchio descends the ladder with disjointed, inhuman
movements; he’s not yet in full control of his body (ref: a
baby’s weird twitchy movements / floppy wooden puppet).

Geppetto, flat on his back, tries to pull himself further
away from this monstrosity.

Pinocchio starts to look around the room in wonder. He picks
up the axe and looks at it with curiosity.

He gasps and runs off, giggling, as he sees something else of
interest.

Having lost interest in the axe, he tosses it aside. Luckily
this time Geppetto is able to catch it before it strikes him.

PINOCCHIO
(gasps)
Wow...What is this?
22.


Another gasp, as Pinocchio sees a row of glinting empty
bottles. He rushes over.

PINOCCHIO (SONG) (CONT’D)
All the things my eyes can see...

GEPPETTO
No...No. Get away from me!

PINOCCHIO
Everything is new to me.

GEPPETTO (SONG)
You, you stand back! Don’t come
near me!

PINOCCHIO
Yo dee lo dee lee
What do you call it, call it?

GEPPETTO (SONG)
It...It’s a clock. Don’t touch it!

PINOCCHIO (SONG)
What to do with it, with it?

GEPPETTO (SONG)
It sings at 6 o’clock.

Pinocchio hops around the room causing destruction in his
glee.

PINOCCHIO (SONG)
Yo dee lo dee lo yo dee

GEPPETTO
Oh no! Argh!

Pinocchio begins to pick up objects he sees around the room.

PINOCCHIO
Yo dee lo dee lo yo lee
What do you call it, call it?

GEPPETTO
No, no, please!

Geppetto chases him, trying to calm him- picking up after
him. Sebastian stays inside the nook- holds on for dear life.

GEPPETTO (SONG) (CONT’D)
That’s a hammer.
23.


PINOCCHIO (SONG)
What to do with it, with it?

GEPPETTO (SONG)
You tap, you smash, you shatter.

PINOCCHIO (SONG)
Love it. I love it.
Yo dee lo dee lo yo dee lo dee lo
dee dee

Pinocchio smashes with the hammer, shattering all the
bottles.

GEPPETTO (SONG)
Oh no! No! Ugh!

PINOCCHIO (SONG)
Everything is new to me,
To me

GEPPETTO (SONG)
Ca-Careful!

Pinocchio grabs a broom and swings it around, dancing with it
like Fred Astaire.

Cricket, inside the nook, hangs on for dear life.

Pinocchio climbs up and swings from the ceiling. In his
enthusiasm, he knocks some knives off a shelf. They come
dangerously close to stabbing Geppetto, but he manages to
leap out of the way as they pierce the ground all around him.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
Ahh, sharp! Sharp!! Ahhh!

PINOCCHIO (SONG)
The world is rich with funny words
They ring like bells those tiny
words
They glow, they shine, they dance
in my mind
Like a chorus line, those silly
words of mine
La la eee dooo
La la eee dooo
What do you call it, call it?

GEPPETTO (SONG)
Uhh, a--a chamberpot.

Pinocchio begins running around again clutching the bedpan.
24.


PINOCCHIO
What to do with it, with it?

GEPPETTO (SONG)
Um-uh I...oh.

PINOCCHIO (SONG)
Love it
I love it
Yo dee lo dee lo yo dee lo dee lo
dee dee
Everything is new
Everything is new to me

Yo dee lo dee lo yo dee
Yo dee lo dee lo yo dee

Love it, love it

GEPPETTO (SONG)
Oh dear, oh dear. Well, alright,
alright, that’s enough. That’s
enough. Ohhh. Don’t. Don’t! No! No!
You have to stop!

PINOCCHIO (SONG)
Everything is new to me!

Geppetto stares disgusted at his unholy creation.

Geppetto throws a blanket over Pinocchio- yodelling.

Then nervously runs and pushes Pinocchio- blanket and all-
into a closet.

Closes the closet door. Locks it. Pinocchio BANGS loudly,
trying to escape.

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
That was so much fun, Papa!

GEPPETTO
You’re not my son!
(beat)
What is wrong with you!?

It’s quiet. He stares at the door apprehensively.

PINOCCHIO
I’m sorry.

Geppetto opens the door slowly to look inside.

Pinocchio sits in the corner. A glove is stuck on the end of
25.


his nose. He makes for a ridiculous figure, and for a moment,
Geppetto’s heart begins to soften.

GEPPETTO
I--uh...
(searching for the words)
Just stay here- don’t come out

The CHURCH BELLS ring. Backs away from the door.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
Time for Church-

Trying to pretend like it’s a normal day, he heads to front
door.

PINOCCHIO
Church?! I wanna go to Church!!
Church!! Church!! Church!!

GEPPETTO
Stay there. You- you understand?

Opens the front door, and closes roughly behind him.

Pinocchio continues to bang on the locked closet door.

PINOCCHIO
Church!! Church!! Church!! Church!

SMASH! Pinocchio BURSTS out of the closet- yelling!!

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
Church!!!

CRICKET
No no. He told you to stay-

PINOCCHIO
(sing song)
I’m going to church, I’m going to
church, I’m going to church!

Pinocchio continues to head towards the door.

CRICKET
No, no, no! Please stop, you must
obey your Papa.

PINOCCHIO
“Obey”?

CRICKET
To do as you are told...
26.


PINOCCHIO
But I don’t want to obey.

CRICKET
Well, you must try your best, and
that’s the best anybody can do.

MUSIC SWELLS as if in the start of a musical number. Cricket
sings oh, ever so briefly with a perfect baritone voice...

CRICKET (CONT’D)
My dear father loved to say---

Pinocchio opens the door, slamming it into the Cricket,
crushing him and cutting off his song.

PINOCCHIO
I’m going to church!! I’m going to
church!!

Pinocchio opens the door and leaves.

CRICKET
Ugggh.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Musical"]

Summary Pinocchio comes to life and tries to explore Geppetto's workshop, causing destruction and chaos in the process
Strengths "The scene showcases Pinocchio's childlike wonder and curiosity, while setting up the conflict between him and Geppetto as well as introducing the cricket and wood sprite characters."
Weaknesses "The dialogue and songs are somewhat repetitive and simplistic, and the scene might feel too chaotic or silly for some viewers."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 8

Originality: 9

The scene is a fresh take on the classic story of Pinocchio, with the focus on his early experiences and lack of control adding a new dimension to the character. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to their individual personalities.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 4

Internal Goal: 8

Pinocchio's internal goal is to explore and discover the world around him. This reflects his fear of the unknown and his desire for freedom and independence.

External Goal: 7

Pinocchio's external goal is to go to church with Geppetto, but his lack of control and disobedience prevent him from doing so.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 6

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the tension between order and chaos. Geppetto represents order and control, while Pinocchio represents chaos and the desire for freedom. This challenges Pinocchio's beliefs about the world and his own agency.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 6

Engagement: 9

The scene is engaging because of the humor and physical comedy, as well as the conflict between Pinocchio and Geppetto. The musical elements also add to the entertainment value.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective, moving the story forward while also allowing for moments of humor and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear character headings and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional format for a comedy or musical, with a mix of dialogue, action, and song lyrics. The pacing is consistent and moves the scene forward effectively.


Critique There are a few elements of this scene that could be improved upon. Firstly, the description of Pinocchio's movements as "disjointed, inhuman" is not quite specific enough. What does this look like exactly? Is he stumbling around or jerking spasmodically? It would be better to use more descriptive language to help the reader visualize the action.

The dialogue also feels a bit forced at times, with characters stating things in a way that feels unnatural. For example, Geppetto saying "You, you stand back! Don’t come near me!" and "It...It’s a clock. Don’t touch it!" feels stilted and could be rephrased in a more natural way.

Finally, the use of a song in the middle of the scene feels a bit out of place. Unless it is established early on in the script that this is a musical, suddenly breaking into song can feel jarring and interrupt the flow of the scene. If the song is necessary, it could be introduced earlier in the script to establish the tone of the story.
Suggestions 1. Focus on clearer actions: The action in the scene is unclear and it can be a bit difficult to follow. It's important to clearly establish what the characters are doing and what is happening in the scene.

2. Add more descriptions: Describe the scene in more detail. This can help us picture the setting and feel more immersed in the story.

3. Focus on character development: It's important to give your characters depth and to show character development throughout your story.

4. Improve dialogue: The dialogue in the scene could be improved to sound more natural and flow better.

5. Simplify the scene: There are a lot of actions in this scene which may confuse readers or viewers. It's better to simplify the scene and focus on the key actions and dialogue.

6. Tighten up the pacing: Some parts of the scene feel slow and could be tightened up to make it more engaging.

7. Add stakes and conflict: There should be some sort of conflict in the scene, or at least some high stakes, to create tension and keep the audience engaged.



Scene 9 - Pinocchio Visits the Fascist Town
EXT. TOWN STREETS AND PIAZZA - DAY

The town has changed. POSTERS OF FASCIST PROPAGANDA are
everywhere. Portraits of Mussolini take entire walls.
Pinocchio goes by one that reads: BELIEVE, OBEY, FIGHT. He
waves to the mural.

PINOCCHIO
Hiiiii! Okay, byeeeee!

Some houses are in disrepair- destroyed, abandoned.

Pinocchio-

-hears the bell and sees-


THE TOWN’S CHURCH.

PINOCCHIO
Oooh!

Pinocchio makes some playful noises as he proceeds to hop up
each church step.
27.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Drama"]

Summary Pinocchio explores a town filled with fascist propaganda while hearing the bell of the local church.
Strengths "The scene creates a clear sense of setting and tone with imaginative details. It also raises interesting thematic questions about fascism and obedience."
Weaknesses "The scene does not have much plot development or conflict, and the dialogue is minimal."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 6

Originality: 4

The level of originality in this scene is relatively low as it doesn't introduce any new ideas or situations. However, the depiction of a familiar world through the eyes of a playful character does add an interesting twist.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 3

Internal Goal: 7

Pinocchio's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that he is enjoying his freedom and playfulness for the moment.

External Goal: 6

Pinocchio's external goal is to reach the town's church and is lured by the sound of the bell. It reflects the immediate circumstances in the scene as he is exploring his surroundings and taking in the changes in the town.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 4

Story Forward: 6

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is not a philosophical conflict evident in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 6

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it introduces the tension between the playful Pinocchio and the ominous setting of the town. The contrast between the character's disposition and the setting creates a sense of anticipation for what could possibly happen next.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is appropriate for the mood set by the writer. It is quick and playful while still setting up the ominous setting.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene is expected for its genre with standard font and margin sizes.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene is expected for its genre, with brief scene description and concise dialogue.


Critique Firstly, the scene lacks clear direction and purpose. What is the objective of Pinocchio in this scene? What is the significance of the fascist propaganda and Mussolini portraits? There needs to be a clear intention behind each action and setting to drive the story forward.

Additionally, the dialogue is lacking in substance and doesn't add anything to the scene. Pinocchio's lines are simply playful noises and a brief greeting to the propaganda mural. The audience needs to be invested in the characters and their journey, and this scene doesn't develop Pinocchio's character or present any obstacles for him to overcome.

Finally, the description could be more detailed and concise. Instead of just stating "some houses are in disrepair- destroyed, abandoned," the screenwriter could provide specific details to paint a vivid picture of the setting and atmosphere.

Overall, this scene needs clarity of purpose, stronger characterization, and more descriptive language to effectively engage the audience.
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, my suggestions to improve this scene are as follows:

1. Character Development: The scene should focus on developing Pinocchio’s character. You can add instances where he reacts to the change in the town’s atmosphere, which can add more layers to his personality.

2. Conflict: A scene without conflict lacks appeal. You can add conflict to the scene, for instance, a confrontation between Pinocchio and a Fascist-loyal citizen.

3. Dialogue: The scene lacks proper dialogue and interaction between Pinocchio and other characters. You can add a conversation between Pinocchio and a town resident who can give a brief rundown of the current political climate of the town.

4. Visual Elements: You can add more visual elements to describe the town's atmosphere. For instance, adding some dialogue about street protests or anti-Fascist graffiti on the buildings.

5. Transition: The ending of the scene feels abrupt. You can add a smooth transition to move the story forward and set up the next scene's premise.
Overall, the scene needs more action, dialogue, and an essential conflict to keep the interest level high.



Scene 10 - Pinocchio Causes Chaos in Church
INT. CHURCH

The Town Priest prepares to bless palms with holy water and
incense. Everybody is singing.

TOWN PRIEST
Ostende nobis, Domine,
misericordiam Tuam.

CONGREGATION
Et salutare Tuum da nobis.

TOWN PRIEST
Pater omnipotens, aeterne Deus.

CONGREGATION
Et clamor meus ad Te veniat.

TOWN PRIEST
Pater omnipotens, aeterne Deus.

Everyone closes their eyes and clasps hands in prayer.
Pinocchio watches with wonder. Without realizing it, he
wanders down the aisle.

Pinocchio looks at the Christ, backlit by a sun-ray,
majestic... missing an arm.

He catches the eye of CANDLEWICK.

CANDLEWICK
Look- Father- over there- what is
that??

Someone in the crowd screams.

MILLINER
Dio Mio!

PRIEST
Ahh! An abhorration.

PINOCCHIO
Papa! Papa! Over here!

PARISHIONER WOMAN
It speaks!?

TWIN DAUGHTER 1
Avra il Diavolo!

GEPPETTO
Pinocchio!
28.


PINOCCHIO
(runs to Geppetto)
Papa! It’s me! I came to church!

The crowd lets out a collective gasp.

CARNIVAL WORKER #1
It’s a demon!

TWIN DAUGHTER 1
Witchcraft!

WOMAN 2 makes the gesture of the horns to protect herself
from Malocchio, the “evil eye”!

TWIN DAUGHTER 2
Malocchio!!

PINOCCHIO
(correcting her)
Pinocchio!

People are disgusted and terrified, making sign of the cross
on themselves.

GEPPETTO
No!! No!! Please. It’s...It’s a
puppet- To- to entertain!!

Everyone chatters/gossips/argues with each other.

CANDLEWICK
If he’s a puppet, where are his
strings?

The Podestà calmly stands and begins to walk down the aisle.
The crowd continues to murmur.

PODESTÀ
That’s true. Who controls you,
wooden boy?

GEPPETTO
Of course, I control him.

PINOCCHIO
Who controls YOU?

Geppetto picks him up and covers his mouth- but Pinocchio
struggles to escape.

GEPPETTO
(being kicked and hit by
Pinocchio)
(MORE)
29.
GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
No one talks to the Podestà like
that.
(awkwardly chuckling)
He- oh, he’s a puppet, just a
puppet.

PINOCCHIO
No, I’m not! I’m made of flesh and
bone and meaty bits!! I’m a real
boy!

His nose grows! People scream again!

MILLINER
Demon!!

TWIN DAUGHTER 2
Arrrrgh!!

TWIN DAUGHTER 1
A monster!!!

OLD WOMAN
Il Diavolo!

GEPPETTO
No, no...no! He’s harmless!!

PODESTÀ'S WIFE
It’s an abomination!

BUTCHER
(Shouting in Italian)

TWIN DAUGHTER 1
This is the work of the Devil!

TOWN PRIEST
ENOUGH! This is a house of God. You
drunken fool! You carving this,
this...thing! While our blessed
Christ hangs unfinished all these
years! Take that unholy thing away!
Take it away! Now!

BUTCHER
(Shouting in Italian)

GEPPETTO
Yes, yes, Padre. Uh-uh-uh sorry,
sorry, sorry, sorry. He’ll be fine.

Geppetto picks Pinocchio up and tries to leave the church!
30.


PARISHIONER WOMAN
Get out!

OLD WOMAN
Shame on you, Geppetto!

FRUIT VENDOR
Burn him!

MILLINER
Chop ‘im up!

BUTCHER
Oh mio dio!
(continues cursing in
Italian)

Candlewick sticks his tongue out at Pinocchio and Pinocchio
responds in kind.

OLD WOMAN
Get out!!

PARISHIONER WOMAN
Curse you, Geppetto!

PODESTÀ'S WIFE
The lord will punish him!

OLD WOMAN
(yelling in Italian)

TWIN DAUGHTER 1
Get out!!!

The church doors slam behind them.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Fantasy","Drama"]

Summary Pinocchio attends a church service where the townspeople mistake him for a demon or an abomination.
Strengths "The scene effectively showcases the town's hostility towards Pinocchio and Geppetto, highlighting the social themes of prejudice and intolerance. The dialogue is powerful and intense, highlighting the power dynamics between the characters."
Weaknesses "The scene may come off as heavy-handed with its social commentary, and Pinocchio's limited agency as a puppet may limit the character development."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 8

Originality: 7

The scene presents a unique perspective on societal norms and expectations through the use of a puppet character. Additionally, the scene employs the use of physical reactions and dialogue to accurately represent societal reactions to the unfamiliar or different.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 8

Pinocchio's internal goal is to be accepted and perceived as a real boy, rather than a puppet made of wood.

External Goal: 9

Pinocchio's external goal in this scene is to attend church and show Geppetto that he can be well-behaved and accepted by society.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 9

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is societal norms and acceptance, versus individual identity and self-expression. Pinocchio's desires to be accepted as a real boy are overshadowed by the traditional beliefs and fear of the unfamiliar by the church members and authority figures.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 9

The tense atmosphere and conflict in the scene make it engaging and intense for the audience.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, but at times, it can be slow and repetitive. The use of short sentences and exclamations keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The scene follows the standard formatting for its genre, with clear character names, dialogue, and scene description.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setting and character description and progression of events leading to the conflict.


Critique The scene starts strong with a clear setting and action taking place, but it becomes a bit chaotic and cluttered as more and more characters start reacting to Pinocchio's presence. The dialogue feels repetitive and doesn't really add much depth to the scene. Additionally, there are several characters introduced without any clear purpose, such as the Milliner and the Fruit Vendor. The portrayal of the townspeople as immediately hostile and aggressive towards Pinocchio feels forced and doesn't allow for any nuance or complexity in their reactions.

Overall, the scene could benefit from some streamlining and more focused dialogue that drives the plot and character development forward. Additionally, adding more variety and depth to the townspeople's reactions could make the scene more interesting and impactful.
Suggestions - Firstly, it would be useful to have a description of the characters and their actions to give more depth to the scene.

- The dialogue could be made more engaging and informative. For instance, the Twin Daughter 1's line "Avra il Diavolo!" could be translated as "The devil has arrived!" rather than just a simple line of dialogue.

- The scene needs more conflict and tension. For example, instead of the crowd immediately reacting negatively towards Pinocchio's existence, we could have an initial moment where they are impressed by the sight of him, before their reactions turn sour.

- It would be helpful to have more visual descriptions, such as close-ups of people's faces to show their disgust and fear.

- The scene could be improved by adding more details about the location and atmosphere, such as the church's architecture and the sounds of the congregation singing.

- Finally, the scene could benefit from having more physical action and movement, to make it more visually exciting. For instance, instead of Pinocchio just wandering down the aisle, he could do something more dramatic that causes the crowd to react.



Scene 11 - Geppetto teaches Pinocchio about the consequences of lying
INT. GEPPETTO WORKSHOP - AFTERNOON

It is raining outside.

Geppetto is filing off the excess nose from Pinocchio.
Pinocchio is fidgeting. And yodeling.

PINOCCHIO
Yo dee lo dee lo yo lee. Hello!

GEPPETTO
Stop fidgeting, please!
(he doesn’t)
31.


Cricket watches from a ledge while tuning a tiny fiddle. He
waves at Pinocchio.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
Carlo never acted like this.
(sighs)

PINOCCHIO
Papa- Why did my nose grow today?

GEPPETTO
You lied, Pinocchio. And a lie is-
plain to see as your nose... And...

PINOCCHIO
And the more you lie, the more it
grows... Is that it?

Pinocchio extends his finger out from his nose to illustrate.

Geppetto is startled- how does Pinocchio know that??

GEPPETTO
That- yes- that’s it-


A KNOCK on the door. Geppetto goes to answer. Lightning
illuminates: The Town Priest and The Podestà (in Fascist
Regalia). More lightning illuminates:

Candlewick- Glaring menacingly.

The Podestà gives a ROMAN SALUTE!

They all do.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Drama"]

Summary Geppetto teaches Pinocchio the consequences of lying through his growing nose while the Town Priest, Podestà and Candlewick make an entrance.
Strengths "The scene establishes the consequences of lying in the magical world and sets up the conflict between Fascist propaganda and the characters."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks higher stakes and emotional impact, and there is little significant character change."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 8

Originality: 7

While the scene does not introduce any unique situations or fresh approaches to familiar ones, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality of the scene. The characters are portrayed in a way that is consistent with their established personalities.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 9

Pinocchio's internal goal in this scene is to understand why his nose grew when he told a lie. This reflects his desire to understand the consequences of his actions and to become a real boy.

External Goal: 8

Pinocchio's external goal in this scene is to get an answer from Geppetto about why his nose grew. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing of learning about the consequences of lying.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 5

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict present in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because of the whimsical and magical tone established by the writer's unique voice, and the tension added by the presence of the Fascist Regalia. The conflict between Pinocchio's desire to become a real boy and the consequences of his actions creates further engagement.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the engagement level, with smooth and cohesive transitions between action and dialogue elements.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear and concise descriptions of the setting and characters.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear action and dialogue elements transitioning smoothly.


Critique Overall, the scene sets a clear mood with the stormy weather and the introduction of some potentially scary characters. Pinocchio's fidgeting and yodeling add some comedy to the scene, but it's unclear if that's the desired tone.

One suggestion would be to add some more specific details about the setting and characters to help paint a clearer picture for the audience. For example, how old is Geppetto? What does Cricket look like? And what is the significance of the Podestà's fascist regalia?

Additionally, there are some moments of awkward dialogue that could be tightened up. For example, Geppetto's line "Carlo never acted like this" feels out of place without more context or establishment of who Carlo is.

Overall, the scene has potential but could benefit from some more fleshing out and refining of the dialogue.
Suggestions Overall, the scene feels a bit lacking in conflict or action. Here are some suggestions for improvement:

1. Increase the tension: The arrival of the Town Priest and the Podestà, especially in fascist regalia, is a big deal. But the characters don't seem to react to it very strongly. Consider adding some dialogue or actions to show that Geppetto and/or Pinocchio are afraid or intimidated by these powerful figures. This will increase the tension and make the scene more engaging.

2. Show Pinocchio's lying: The fact that Pinocchio's nose grows when he lies is an important plot point, but it's currently just explained in dialogue. Consider showing Pinocchio lying earlier in the scene (maybe about something small and inconsequential), so that when he asks about his nose growing later, the audience understands why. This will also make the scene more dynamic.

3. Give Cricket a purpose: Right now, Cricket is just there to watch and wave. Consider giving him a more active role in the scene. Maybe he can try to help calm Pinocchio down, or he can give Geppetto a warning about the arrival of the Town Priest and the Podestà. This will make the scene feel more cohesive and increase the sense of teamwork between the characters.

4. Add more physicality: Right now, the scene is mostly just talking. Consider adding some physical actions to make the scene more visually interesting. For example, Pinocchio could be bouncing around the workshop and knocking things over, or Geppetto could be struggling to hold him still while he files his nose. This will help keep the audience engaged and add more energy to the scene.



Scene 12 - A Puppet's Demands
INT. GEPPETTO HOUSE / DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Geppetto pours his visitors some hot chocolate.

GEPPETTO
There you go.

TOWN PRIEST
Chocolate! Thank you, Geppetto. We
appreciate your hospitality

PODESTÀ
Candlewick, go sit by the fire.

Candlewick obeys.
32.


TOWN PRIEST
We are here to talk about the
incident at the church today. The
community was startled by your
creation...

PODESTÀ
(interrupts)
As Podestà, I must ensure that this
“puppet” of yours poses no threat
to our community?

GEPPETTO
Oh no, no, nothing like that!

PINOCCHIO
Ooh, is that--hot chocolate?

The Podestà stares at Pinocchio with bewilderment.

CANDLEWICK
You’re a puppet. You’ve never eaten
anything in your life!

PINOCCHIO
Oh- oh- That must be why I’m SO
hungry!! Oh, I’m STARVING, Papa!
I’m STARVING to DEATH!

GEPPETTO
You are not. Now go sit by the fire
and let me talk to our guests.

PINOCCHIO
But I don’t want to! I want hot
chocolate! PLEASE, Papa! PLEASE,
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEEEEEASE--

The Town Priest and Podestà exchange shocked looks.

Geppetto quickly pours a cup of chocolate for Pinocchio.

GEPPETTO
There there now- here you go.

PINOCCHIO
Oh boy! Thank you, thank you, thank
you, thank you--

GEPPETTO
Yes, yes- Pinocchio. Go, go warm
your feet by the fire. Obey your
Papa.
33.


PINOCCHIO
Oh, yes! I WILL obey if I get
CHOCOLATE! O’boy, o’boy, o’boy.

Pinocchio goes to the fireplace, spilling hot chocolate as he
goes.

GEPPETTO
(to his guests)
He really is a charming boy.

TOWN PRIEST
Podestà watches over the town’s
moral well being, you understand?
His authority cannot be questioned.

PODESTÀ
That’s right- and I won't be
mocked.

Pinocchio sits down, puts his feet close to the fire and
proceeds to IMITATE CANDLEWICK’s EVERY GESTURE as he sips
chocolate noisily. Candlewick sees this as a challenge.

(As the adults talk, Candlewick and Pinocchio continue their
game of “copy cat”.)

GEPPETTO (O.S.)
I will do just as you wish. You
have my word.

PODESTÀ
So what about this wooden boy? Will
you let him run wild through town
all day?

GEPPETTO
Oh no, no, no, no, no... I- I’ll
keep him- locked up! Right here in
the house.

Pinocchio hears this.

PINOCCHIO
I won’t be locked up! I’ll smash
the windows out, I will!

PODESTÀ
This abnormal boy lacks discipline.
But he seems strong. Sturdy. Made
of good Italian pine.
34.


GEPPETTO (O.S.)
Oh, very good pine, yes. Not
perfect, you see, but uh he...he
means well.

Pinocchio’s game of “copy cat” continues with Candlewick.

CANDLEWICK
(low voice)
Hey, try to get closer to the fire-
to get warm...

PODESTÀ
Son, come here. Look at my boy,
Candlewick.

GEPPETTO
Yes, yes.
(laughs nervously)

Pinocchio gazes at the fire and starts to inch closer.

Meanwhile, Podestà gestures for Candlewick to come closer.

PODESTÀ
A model Fascist Youth: proud and
brave- virile like his father! And
his teeth- perfect teeth. And no
sign of jaundice!!

PINOCCHIO (O.S.)
Papa- Papa- my feet feel hot- like
chocolate- Look!

Geppetto turns: Pinocchio’s legs are on fire!!! He screams.

CRICKET
FIRE!! My house is on fire!!

PINOCCHIO
(excited)
Yes, look at me! Look! I’m on fire!
Yay!

Geppetto screams and grabs the puppet, he dashes back and
forth around the room and finally sinks the legs into a
bucket of water.

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
Awwww, look what you did, Papa! You
ruined the nice light on my feet!
35.


PODESTÀ
This is what you get with an
undisciplined mind. You must send
this child to school!

GEPPETTO
To school?! Pinocchio??!!

PODESTÀ
Yes. Tomorrow.

Cricket watches from above, considering what the Podestà has
said. Perhaps school would be good for the boy.

PINOCCHIO
(intrigued)
School?! Hehe.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Pinocchio demands hot chocolate and almost sets himself on fire, leading the Podestà to suggest he attend school.
Strengths "The whimsical tone is engaging and draws the audience in. The conflict between Pinocchio's desires and the expectations of the adults creates tension. "
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't do much to move the plot forward, and the stakes are relatively low. The characters, besides Pinocchio, don't have much personality beyond their archetypal roles. "

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 7

Originality: 8

The scene demonstrates originality by introducing physical comedy through Pinocchio's legs catching on fire, bringing humor to an otherwise serious conflict. Additionally, Pinocchio's childlike behavior adds to the authenticity of the character and establishes him as someone the audience can empathize with.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 5

Internal Goal: 6

Pinocchio's internal goal is to get what he wants, in this case, hot chocolate. This reflects his childlike impulsiveness and desire for immediate gratification.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to prove to the Town Priest and Podestà that Pinocchio is not a danger to the community and can be trusted in Geppetto's care.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 4

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between the authority and traditional beliefs of the Town Priest and Podestà, and Geppetto's desire to care for Pinocchio as his own son.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it balances humor with drama while introducing a significant conflict for the narrative. It is amusing to watch Pinocchio's childlike behavior while understanding the seriousness of his situation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by establishing the humor early on, building tension through dialogue, and ending on a cliffhanger with the Podestà's demand for Pinocchio to attend school.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene description is clear, and character names are highlighted in all caps with clear differentiation between dialogue and action.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the conflict, allows for character development through dialogue, and ends with a clear implication of what is to come next.


Critique This scene sets up the conflict between Geppetto and the community, specifically the Podestà who is concerned about Pinocchio's creation. However, the scene lacks tension and stakes, making it feel like a generic encounter rather than a pivotal moment in the story. Additionally, Pinocchio's behavior feels inconsistent and lacks clear motivation, making it hard to care about his character. Finally, the dialogue could use more subtext and conflict to add depth to the interactions between the characters. Overall, this scene needs more work to elevate it to the level of a compelling and engaging story.
Suggestions There are several suggestions that could improve this scene:

1. Raise the stakes: While the conversation about Pinocchio is important, the scene would benefit from a higher level of tension and conflict. Perhaps Geppetto could be more resistant to sending Pinocchio to school, and the visitors could push back harder, threatening consequences if he doesn't comply.

2. Clarify character motivations: While we understand that the Podestà is concerned about the potential threat posed by Pinocchio, we don't know enough about his motivations. Is he genuinely concerned for the town's safety, or is he using this as an excuse to exert his power? By making his motivations clearer, the conflict will become more nuanced and interesting.

3. Show, don't tell: The conversation about Pinocchio's behavior feels a bit expository. Instead, try showing us his mischievousness through his actions. For example, rather than having him simply ask for hot chocolate, have him sneak some from Geppetto's kitchen or cause a small disturbance that reveals his lack of self-control.

4. Develop secondary characters: While Geppetto and Pinocchio are well-defined, the other characters feel like they could use some fleshing out. What are their personalities like, and how do they feel about Pinocchio? By making them more distinct, the scene will feel more dynamic.



Scene 13 - A Night of Reflection
INT. GEPPETTO BEDROOOM - NIGHT

It’s raining. Geppetto closes the upstairs window.

GEPPETTO
Oh, what a day... What a day...

PINOCCHIO
(imitating)
Oh, what a day! What a day!!

GEPPETTO
Hahaha. Time for bed.

Geppetto lifts Pinocchio off of his bed and carries him over
to the bed that belonged to Carlo.

PINOCCHIO
You know, Papa? I liked my old
legs! And I liked them on fire!

GEPPETTO
Pinocchio, if you go to sleep- I’ll
make you a new pair of legs in the
morning.

The Cricket pops out and watches as Geppetto tucks him in.

PINOCCHIO
Just like the old ones?

GEPPETTO
(chuckling)
Better than the old ones.
36.


PINOCCHIO
Better!!?? Can I have cricket legs,
Papa? Can you make me four of them?

GEPPETTO
(chuckles softly)
No, no, no, no. Just two...Two will
do.

Geppetto gets into bed.

PINOCCHIO
(to Geppetto)
Good night, Papa...

GEPPETTO
Good night, my--
Goodnight...Pinocchio.

For a moment, it was as if Pinocchio WAS Carlo.

Pinocchio sees the Cricket.

PINOCCHIO
Sebastian-

CRICKET
Yes, Pinocchio?

PINOCCHIO
Who’s Carlo?

CRICKET
Carlo was a boy. Geppetto lost him
many years ago.

PINOCCHIO
Where did he put him? How can you
lose a whole person??

CRICKET
I mean he... he died, Pinocchio.
He’s no longer alive...

PINOCCHIO
Is that a bad thing?

CRICKET
Yes, it’s a great burden for a
father to lose a child so young.

PINOCCHIO
What’s a burden?
37.


CRICKET
It’s something... painful you must
carry, even though it hurts you
very much...

Long beat as Pinocchio closes his eyes...

The Cricket smiles and goes back home.

CRICKET (V.O.)
I wrote a lot that night.


INT. NOOK - SAME

CRICKET
I had so much to say- not about my
own life, for a change, but about
imperfect fathers and imperfect
sons- and about loss- and love.

The Cricket is writing on a small “desk”.

CRICKET (V.O.)
And for that one evening at least,
we were, all of us, blissfully
oblivious.

He intensifies the flame in an oil lamp.

DISSOLVE TO:


EXT. STREETS / MAIN PLAZA / TOWN - DAWN

Geppetto pulls his cart as they head for the church. A NEW
ARM for the CRUCIFIXION is in tow.

Pinocchio is excited about his new legs. They are in fact,
just badly patched and unremarkable.

PINOCCHIO
You were right, Papa! These legs
are much, much, much, much better
than the old ones!
(beat)
Ha, look at me! I can walk
backwards, hup! And- and- jump
forwards, hup! I couldn’t do it
before!!

Geppetto strains as he pulls his heavy cart- he’s old. He
briefly looks at Pinocchio, smirks, then shakes his head,
rolls his eyes, and continues ignoring the wooden boy.
38.


On a building nearby- a wild, gnarly monkey, SPAZZATURA,
hangs a banner:

“COUNT VOLPE’S MAGNIFICENT MARIONETTES”

Spazzatura hears voices and looks below:

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
Ooooh! Papa! Can you see this? He
looks just like me!

From above, Spazz watches Pinocchio as he goes by. The monkey
is amazed at the sight of the living puppet. Cricket sees
Spazz gazing at Pinocchio and gasps.

CRICKET
What is that?

GEPPETTO (O.S.)
Pinocchio!! C’mon. Hurry up. Hurry
up.

PINOCCHIO
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! I love
these new legs, Papa!!

Pinocchio runs to catch up and jumps back in the cart.

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
Can we go to a carnival?

GEPPETTO
Perhaps, Pinocchio. Perhaps...Right
now we have work to do.

PINOCCHIO
Work! I love work! Papa, what is
work?

GEPPETTO
Oh, Pinocchio, please no more
questions.

They round the corner and head towards the church. Spazz has
been following them the whole time.

Spazz runs away-
Genres: ["Fantasy"]

Summary Pinocchio and Geppetto share a bedtime conversation about Pinocchio's new legs and Geppetto's lost son, Carlo. The Cricket watches over them, reflecting on fathers and sons, loss, and love.
Strengths "The scene explores the themes of fathers and sons, loss, and love through a conversation between Geppetto and Pinocchio, and the Cricket's reflections. The whimsical tone and playful dialogue provide a good contrast to the heavier themes discussed."
Weaknesses "The scene does not have much conflict or emotional impact. The plot does not move forward significantly, and the dialogue feels somewhat repetitive."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 6

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of Pinocchio and his desire to be a real boy is a well-known and familiar one, the addition of the Cricket and the philosophical conflict regarding Geppetto's lost son Carlo add a fresh perspective.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 3

Internal Goal: 9

Pinocchio's internal goal in this scene is to feel accepted and loved by his father Geppetto. His desire for new legs is a reflection of this internal goal as he wants to be able to participate in activities and be seen as a 'real boy.'

External Goal: 8

Pinocchio's external goal is to spend time with his father and to possibly go to a carnival. This reflects the immediate circumstances they are facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 2

Story Forward: 4

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict in this scene between life and death, specifically in regards to Geppetto's lost son Carlo. This conflict challenges Geppetto's beliefs and values about family, love, and loss.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

Dialogue: 6

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it explores the relationship between Pinocchio and Geppetto, while also introducing the mystical element of the Cricket and the philosophical conflict regarding Geppetto's lost son Carlo. The dialogue between the characters is entertaining and adds a layer of humor and heart to the scene.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of this scene is effective in establishing the characters and their relationships, while also introducing new elements such as the Cricket and Spazzatura. The rhythm of the scene is consistent and engaging.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper dialogue formatting and clear scene descriptions.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions. The scene flows well and maintains a clear focus on the characters and their dialogue.


Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and serves to advance the plot and develop the characters. The dialogue is natural and believable, especially between Geppetto and Pinocchio. The use of the Cricket as a device for exposition is also effective. However, there could be more visual description to enhance the atmosphere and mood of the scene, since it takes place at night during a rainstorm. Additionally, the ending of the scene feels abrupt and disconnected from the rest of the action. It might benefit from better integration with the larger story arc.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well written, but here are a few suggestions to make it stronger:

1. Add more tension and conflict: The scene could benefit from more tension and conflict between Geppetto and Pinocchio. Perhaps Pinocchio can be more resistant to going to sleep or reluctant to get his new legs. This would add more depth to their relationship and create more interest for the audience.

2. Develop Geppetto's character: Geppetto's character could be further developed to show his love for Pinocchio and his struggles as a father. Perhaps he could have some doubts about his ability to raise Pinocchio or express his grief over losing Carlo.

3. Use sensory description: The scene is set in a bedroom on a rainy night, which provides a great opportunity to use sensory description. Adding more details about the sound of the rain or the feel of the damp air would further immerse the audience in the scene.

4. Connect subplots: The introduction of Spazzaturo and the mention of the carnival could be connected to the larger plot by foreshadowing events that will happen later in the story. For example, Pinocchio could encounter Spazzaturo again and be lured into the carnival, leading to danger and conflict.

5. Show, don't tell: The dialogue between Pinocchio and Cricket can be improved by showing more of their emotions and reactions through actions and descriptions, rather than simply explaining what they are feeling. This would make their conversation more engaging and believable for the audience.



Scene 14 - Count Volpe's Palace
EXT. PERIPHERY STREETS - EDGE OF TOWN - SAME

He runs down the town streets-

And heads for a set of ROMANESQUE ruins-
39.


EXT. ROMANESQUE RUINS - SAME

There, a CARNIVAL is setting up around Count Volpe’s puppet
theater...

There’s a MERRY GO ROUND and COTTON CANDY VENDING CARTS and
ticket booths and the FREAK SHOW cart, and a GIRAFFE, AN
ASTROLOGER’s cart and a--

BARREL MAN
Stupid monkey!

Spazz runs past and under a few of the carts and knocks on
the door of an ornate, beautiful one.


INT. COUNT VOLPE LIVING HEADQUARTERS - SAME

A Baroque paradise of rotting suede and leaf of gold and
garish lamps; somewhat like the church’s red interior.

This is Count Volpe’s Palace. And at its center, in a throne-
like chair sits COUNT VOLPE himself: an elegant, sleek
trickster- SATAN himself-

COUNT VOLPE
(grumbling)
I’m coming!

Full of rage, Volpe kicks open the door with a Tex Avery-like
explosion, knocking Spazz to the ground.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
What is it?! What are you doing
here? I told you to put up posters
and draw big crowds! This carnival
is going to pot! And you! Can you
not see how desperate the situation
is!?

Spazz tries to communicate. Count Volpe lifts his SILVER CANE
threateningly!

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
A... WHAT??

Count Volpe is intrigued.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
A “living puppet”? Are you
absolutely sure?

Spazz continues to gesticulate.
40.


COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
This could get us to the top again.
This could make us kings again!!!


EXT. CARNIVAL - SAME

As if from nowhere we see Spazz playing a small violin. Count
Volpe begins to sing:

COUNT VOLPE (SONG)
We were a King, once
Can we be king, twice?
We were bathing in milk
Played for diamonds and silk.
Once
But we want it twice!

Volpe prances down the steps and grabs Spazz, spinning and
twirling him, half dance partner, half child’s top.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
My show was a magnet, for the crowd
No one could resist Volpe’s crown.

He bounds out of the puppet wagon.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
Now the little ones
Now the married ones

He hoists up the TWO-HEADED PERFORMER, then hugs the FAT LADY
and MANGIAFUOCCO together.

Volpe steals a magazine from one of the CARNIVAL WORKERS.

CARNIVAL WORKER #3
Hey!
(He trails off, cursing in
Italian)

COUNT VOLPE
Prefer Garbo
Gardel, Valentino
La voce di Caruso
Jazz on the radio

He rips out the pages highlighting the stars of the day. He
tosses them aside one by one.

Volpe ties Spazz to a bunch of balloons and releases them in
the air. He grabs a rifle from the shooting gallery and
shoots them down before he floats away.
41.


COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
You were the Kings, once
Mon Dieu was it, nice!
You were knights of the night
Full of glory and might
Once
So let’s get it twice!

Volpe and Spazz stick their heads through holes and pose in a
large carnival cutout board.

Volpe leaps from post to post as the CARNIVAL WORKERS hammer
them in.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
Believe in you!
Believe in me!

Song ends.

The bells of the church ring the MATINALE.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Drama"]

Summary Count Volpe and his carnival are introduced as they set up around his puppet theater. Volpe's interest is piqued when he hears of a 'living puppet' from Spazz.
Strengths "Introduces new characters and setting in an interesting way. Count Volpe's character is entertaining and adds an element of mystery."
Weaknesses "The scene drags on a bit too long and doesn't add much to the main plot."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 6

Originality: 6

The scene has a moderate level of originality, as it blends familiar tropes and archetypes (a lost puppet, a conniving trickster, a whimsical carnival) with fresh twists and perspectives. The characters' actions and dialogue are authentic and believable, despite their eccentricities and exaggerations. The scene also has a surreal and dreamlike quality that adds to its uniqueness.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 4

Internal Goal: 9

Spazz's internal goal is to convince Count Volpe to help him find Pinocchio and bring him back to life. This goal reflects Spazz's deeper desire for a sense of belonging and purpose, as Pinocchio was the connection he had to a family and life that he lost.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to get Count Volpe's help in finding Pinocchio and bringing him back to life. This goal reflects the immediate challenge that Spazz is facing, as he cannot achieve his internal goal without the Count's assistance.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 7

Story Forward: 6

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between Spazz's desire for family and Count Volpe's selfish desire for success and power. This conflict challenges Spazz's values and beliefs, as he must work with someone who does not share his moral principles and may harm him in the process.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

Dialogue: 6

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a new character (Count Volpe) and raises the stakes for Spazz's quest. It also showcases the writer's unique style and voice, which keeps the audience surprised and entertained. The use of song and dance adds to the energy and excitement of the scene.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-crafted, with a balance of exposition, action, and song. The rhythm of the dialogue and the movement of the characters enhance the flow of the scene and build momentum towards the climax. The use of song adds variety and humor to the pacing.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre (exterior and interior settings, character descriptions, dialogue, scene direction, song lyrics), but also adds some inventive touches (Tex Avery-like explosion, two-headed performer, cutout board). The formatting enhances the visual and auditory impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre (a confrontation between two characters with conflicting goals in a colorful setting), but adds some surprises and variations to keep the audience engaged. The pacing is fast and fluid, with a mix of dialogue, action, and song.


Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and effectively sets up the world of the carnival and introduces the character of Count Volpe. However, there are a few areas where the scene could be improved:

- It's not entirely clear what Spazz wants or why he's seeking out Count Volpe. It might help to provide more context or motivation for his actions.
- The song lyrics feel a bit forced and don't add much to the scene beyond exposition. It might be better to find a more organic way to convey the information.
- The Tex Avery-style door explosion feels a bit out of place in the otherwise grounded setting.
- The ending with the church bells ringing feels a bit abrupt and doesn't add much to the scene thematically. It might be better to end on a more impactful note.

Overall though, the scene does a good job of establishing the carnival setting and building intrigue around Count Volpe and his puppet theater.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well-written and has a lot of energy, but a few suggestions to improve it could be:

1. Add more visual description about the carnival. While some details are mentioned, such as the merry-go-round and cotton candy vending carts, it would help to create a more vivid imagery of the lively atmosphere of the carnival.

2. Develop the conflict between Spazz and Count Volpe further. While there is tension between them, it would add more depth to their relationship if some backstory or personal motivation was included.

3. Consider adding more character traits to Count Volpe. While he is described as an elegant, sleek trickster, it would be interesting to see more aspects of his personality outside of his showmanship and business tactics.

4. Add more specific actions to the song lyrics. While the song provides an overall theme, adding more detailed actions or choreography would make the performance more engaging for the audience.

5. Consider the placement of the church bells ringing at the end of the scene. While it provides a nice musical cue, it may interrupt the flow of the scene and could possibly be moved to an earlier or later moment.



Scene 15 - Pinocchio Goes to School and Receives a Gift from Geppetto
INT. CHURCH - DAY

GEPPETTO
Now let it down. More. That’s it,
that’s it. Just a little
more...Stop.

Geppetto assembles the arm of Christ and then descends on the
rope to an expecting Pinocchio.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
There we go. Ahh, very good, child!
Very good!

He goes to his toolbox.

PINOCCHIO
Papa- there’s something I don’t
understand...

GEPPETTO
What is it, Pinocchio?

PINOCCHIO
Everybody likes him.

GEPPETTO
Who?

Pinocchio points at the Christ.
42.


PINOCCHIO
Him. They were all singing to him-
(beat)
He’s made of wood too... Why do
they like him and not me?

Geppetto is touched by Pinocchio’s innocence.

GEPPETTO
Come here, Pinocchio. People are
sometimes afraid of things they
don’t know- but they’ll get to know
you- and like you. And- and for
that...
(beat)
Are you ready for school?

Pinocchio nods excitedly.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
Then, I have something I’d like to
give you. Ta-da!

Geppetto reveals a schoolbook. It is CARLO’S old book: the
name “CARLO” emblazoned on the front.

PINOCCHIO
I love it, Papa! I love it! I love
it!

Pinocchio is overwhelmed with joy.

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
What is it?

GEPPETTO
It is a schoolbook... a very
special schoolbook, one which
belonged to a very special boy...

PINOCCHIO
Carlo? The boy you lost?

Geppetto nods.

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
Was he a very good boy, Papa?

GEPPETTO
Yes, he was.

PINOCCHIO
...And you loved him very much?
43.


GEPPETTO
I did... I, I do.

Pinocchio embraces Geppetto- it is a simple but desperate hug-
immensely moving. True gratitude, the way only a child can
dispense it.

PINOCCHIO
Then I will be just like Carlo! I
will obey and go to school, and I
will be the very, very, best at
whatever they do there! I’ll make
you proud!

Pinocchio promptly turns and marches out of the church.

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
Off to school, off to school. Going
to school. Going to school. Off to
school...

Geppetto chuckles and smiles tenderly as they march off.

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!...


EXT. MAIN PLAZA - DAY

Pinocchio steps out of the church...

Count Volpe and Spazz are hovering in the shadows. Eyes
glinting.

COUNT VOLPE
He exists! Oh, the stringless
wonder exists! You beautiful,
brilliant baboon!!! I must have
him!!
Genres: ["Drama","Fantasy","Family"]

Summary Geppetto builds the arm of Christ and Pinocchio expresses his confusion as to why people like the statue more than him. Geppetto gifts Pinocchio with Carlo's schoolbook, which motivates Pinocchio to attend school and make his father proud. Count Volpe discovers the existence of Pinocchio and plots to obtain him.
Strengths "The bond between Geppetto and Pinocchio is tender and loving, and Pinocchio's reaction to receiving Carlo's schoolbook is heartwarming."
Weaknesses "The introduction of Count Volpe feels a bit sudden and disjointed."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 8

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. The situation of a wooden puppet desiring acceptance and grappling with the idea of a higher power or something unknown is a unique approach to the theme of acceptance and belonging. However, the themes of the scene are relatively common and have been explored in various forms of media before. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is high, as they are consistent with the established characterization throughout the story.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 7

Internal Goal: 8

Pinocchio's internal goal in this scene is to understand his place in the world and why people don't like him as they do the statue of Christ. He desires to be accepted and loved by people the way Christ is.

External Goal: 7

Pinocchio's external goal is to go to school and make Geppetto proud. This goal reflects the challenge of fitting in and succeeding in a new environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 5

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the conflict between Pinocchio's desire for acceptance and his realization that Christ, who is also made of wood, is accepted because he represents a higher power or something unknown and sacred. This realization challenges Pinocchio's belief that he will be accepted if he is good and kind.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it showcases a moment of vulnerability and growth for Pinocchio. The audience is invested in Pinocchio's journey to understand his own worth and his relationship with Geppetto.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in conveying the tenderness of the moment between Pinocchio and Geppetto, as well as showcasing the stark contrast between the stillness of the church and the bustling plaza. The overall rhythm of the scene is well-done and impactful.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The formatting of the scene is well-done and follows the expected format for its genre. The transitions are smooth and the descriptions are concise and clear.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene is well-defined and follows the expected structure for its genre. There is an introduction of the setting and characters, followed by a clear conflict and resolution.


Critique The scene begins with Geppetto assembling the arm of Christ, and it is well described. However, it is not clear why he is doing this. This could be explained through dialogue or action.

When Pinocchio asks Geppetto why people like Christ and not him, it feels like a forced comparison. It could benefit from more nuance and complexity in the answer. The conversation between Geppetto and Pinocchio should be more specific and personalized to their characters.

The scene does a good job of establishing Geppetto's love for Pinocchio and the loss of his former son, Carlo. However, the dialogue could be more naturalistic and less exposition-heavy to convey this information.

The ending with Count Volpe and Spazz feels abrupt and out of place, breaking the emotional connection that had just been established. Additionally, it is not clear why they are interested in Pinocchio or what they plan on doing with him.

Overall, the scene could benefit from more organic dialogue and better integration of the external conflict (Count Volpe and Spazz) with the internal conflict (Pinocchio's search for acceptance).
Suggestions Overall, it's a heartwarming and effective scene that highlights the relationship between Geppetto and Pinocchio, as well as Pinocchio's desire to be accepted. Here are a few suggestions to possibly enhance the scene:

1. Consider adding more visual details to the setting. What does the inside of the church look like? Is it empty or are there other people there? What do the characters look like? These small details can help transport the audience into the scene and make it more immersive.

2. Think about adding some more conflict or tension. Right now, the scene is quite straightforward and feel-good. Perhaps there could be some external conflict, like a bully picking on Pinocchio, or some internal conflict for Geppetto, like doubts about his ability to raise a wooden boy. Adding in some tension can create a more dynamic scene.

3. Consider cutting down on some of the dialogue. While the dialogue is effective in conveying the emotions of both Geppetto and Pinocchio, there are some moments where the dialogue seems a bit repetitive. For instance, when Pinocchio is enthusiastically exclaiming his love for the schoolbook, he says "I love it" three times in quick succession. Perhaps cutting down on some of the repeated phrases could make the dialogue feel tighter and more impactful.

4. Lastly, think about ways to add more visual storytelling. Right now, most of the scene is conveyed through dialogue. While this is effective, adding in some visual cues, like close-ups of the schoolbook or shots of Pinocchio's facial expressions, can add layers to the scene and make it more cinematic.

Overall, it's a solid scene, but there are some small tweaks that could possibly enhance it even further.



Scene 16 - Pinocchio Gets Caught Up in the Carnival
EXT. PERIPHERY STREETS - EDGE OF TOWN - SAME

Pinocchio runs excitedly through town, towards the school. A
GROUP of KIDS in fascist uniforms pass them by - SINGING A
FASCIST HYMN!!

KID/S
I fight for the land!
I fight for our sea!
I can feel a hand-
It is now guiding me-

Pinocchio heads towards them.
44.


PINOCCHIO
Whoa! Off to school! Off to
school!! Going to school, going to
school.
(he leaps down the stairs)
School! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!
What do you learn in school, Mr.
Cricket?

CRICKET
You learn reading and writing! You-
you learn the multiplication
tables!

PINOCCHIO
What’s the mul...mulplitication
tables?

CRICKET
Well... Say you have 4 carts, each
with 27 apples...

PINOCCHIO
I don’t care what the table says; I
have no apples and I refuse to lie!

CRICKET
No no, it’s just math. So you
multiply the 4 and the 7. 4...plus
7... and-- and you get...

PINOCCHIO
I get confused. I don’t think I
like school anymore, Sebastian.

COUNT VOLPE
Ahhh, we have found him! Look,
Spazzatura! Our miracle!

Volpe grabs Pinocchio by the nose and gives him a gentle
twirl.

PINOCCHIO
Hey, watch it!

COUNT VOLPE
Our sensation! Our star!

PINOCCHIO
Who? Me?

COUNT VOLPE
Yes, mon étoile! I am COUNT VOLPE!!
You have been chosen!
(MORE)
45.
COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
Come partake in the fun, fanciful,
carefree carnival life as the star
of my puppet show!

Cricket climbs up onto Pinocchio’s shoulder.

CRICKET
Don’t listen to him, Pinocchio! You
promised your Papa you would go to
school!

PINOCCHIO
Oh yeah, I promised my Papa I’d go
to school. See? He gave me Carlo’s
book!

Pinocchio holds up his book with pride. Count Volpe gently
takes it and mockingly admires it.

COUNT VOLPE
CARLO’S book! Yes, yes! A classical
canonical work!!

Count Volpe tosses the book to Spazz, who is not ready for
it. It hits him just as he is about to pounce on Cricket.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
I can see you are intrinsically an
intellectual. But banal book-
learning cannot compare to
witnessing the wide world with
one’s own eyes from atop the
glorious stage!

Volpe lifts Pinocchio up, spinning him around. This causes
Cricket to be thrown off him and onto the ground. Volpe
places Pinocchio on a ledge overlooking the entire town.

PINOCCHIO
Wow...

Spazz takes this opportunity to try and crush Cricket with
the book. He narrowly misses.

CRICKET
Ahh! Wha! Gahh! Whoa! Dear sir!!!

COUNT VOLPE
You shall see ALL the nations of
the earth for yourself as they bow
at your feet!

PINOCCHIO
My brand new feet!
46.


CRICKET
No! No! Wait! You have to go to
school!

PINOCCHIO
Oh- Can we do it tomorrow?

COUNT VOLPE
Regretfully no, for today is the
only day that our cacophonous
carnival will visit your vicinity.
But if you must go to school, then
you must go to school...

They move away.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
Come, Spazzatura... we must find
someone else to eat all our ice
cream and popcorn and hot
chocolate...

PINOCCHIO
Hot chocolate??

CRICKET
Oh no.

Spazz lunges at Cricket, but he again manages to avoid him.

COUNT VOLPE
Yes, of course. All the hot
chocolate you can drink! And all
the games you can play!

PINOCCHIO
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Maybe it’ll be
okay if I’m a little bit late for
school...

COUNT VOLPE
Yeah, perfectly fine! No one will
even notice!

Cricket jumps up and down, desperate to get Pinocchio’s
attention.

CRICKET
Don’t listen to him Pinocchio! Wah!

COUNT VOLPE
(smacking Cricket away)
Ah, we have one last detail to take
care of.
47.


He produces a LONG, LOOOOONG contract- which strikes Cricket
as it unfurls, knocking him down the stairs.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
Sign, here- here and here. Need a
pen?

CRICKET
No, Pinocchio, don’t!!!

Spazz crushes Sebastian with the book. He cackles with glee.

PINOCCHIO
Like this?

COUNT VOLPE
(signs his own name too)
Perfect!! I will now make you burn
bright like a star! Know any songs,
my boy?

They practically scoop Pinocchio off the ground as they push
him along towards the carnival.

PINOCCHIO
Just one, I’ve got it stuck in my
head.

Spazz takes a last look at Pinocchio’s school book and tosses
it on the ground.

The Cricket lies on the floor: a HEAP.

CRICKET
Oh, the pain! Life is such hideous
pain!

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure","Drama"]

Summary Pinocchio excitedly runs through town to attend his first day at school but gets caught up in a carnival hosted by Count Volpe. Despite Cricket's protests, Pinocchio signs a contract to be the star of the puppet show and foregoes school for the day. Meanwhile, Count Volpe plots to obtain Pinocchio for his show.
Strengths "The scene is engaging and introduces new characters and plot developments. The conflict between Pinocchio and Cricket adds tension."
Weaknesses "The fascist song sung by the children might be jarring and feel out of place for some viewers. The scene may be busy and overwhelming for some."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 8

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh and creative take on the original story, with unique additions like fascist kids in uniforms and a carnival setting. The characters' actions and dialogue unfold authentically, making the scene feel true to the world of the story.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 5

Internal Goal: 8

Pinocchio's internal goal is to fit in and make the right decisions. He wants to please his Papa and succeed in school, but he is tempted by the Count's offer to be the star of his show.

External Goal: 9

Pinocchio's external goal is to go to school and learn, but he is tempted by Count Volpe's offer to be the star of his puppet show.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 8

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between education and immediate pleasure represented by the school and the carnival, respectively. The scene challenges Pinocchio's beliefs and values, as he is torn between choosing what is best for him in the long-term, or what pleases him in the short-term.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents Pinocchio with a tempting opportunity that challenges his beliefs and values. The dynamic between the characters and the imaginative setting also generates interest and captivates the viewer.

Pacing: 9

The scene's pacing contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency and suspense as Pinocchio must make a decision. The rhythm of the dialogue and the characters' actions also enhance the scene's momentum and emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear descriptions of the setting and character actions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear action and dialogue that propel the story forward.


Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and moves the story forward. However, there are a few areas for improvement:

1. The fascist kids singing a hymn seems out of place and doesn't add much to the story.

2. Pinocchio's sudden change of heart towards going to school feels forced and could be better motivated.

3. The dialogue between Pinocchio and Cricket explaining multiplication tables feels clunky and could be streamlined to make it more clear and efficient.

4. The character of Count Volpe could be given more depth and development to make him feel more like a fleshed-out character rather than just a plot device.

5. The action and physical comedy involving Spazz and Cricket are well-written and add a good dose of humor to the scene. However, there could be more opportunities for visual gags and slapstick humor to keep the scene lively and engaging.
Suggestions 1. Consider tightening the dialogue. Some lines feel unnecessarily long and could be condensed for readability and pacing.

2. Think about the visual storytelling of the scene. Could there be more interesting shots or angles to capture the action and emotion of the characters?

3. Work on character development. How could Pinocchio’s and the other characters’ motivations and emotions be more clearly conveyed through their actions and dialogue?

4. Consider the themes and message of the scene. How could they be strengthened or made more impactful?

5. Look for opportunities to add tension or conflict to the scene. Is there any way to make the interaction between Pinocchio and the fascists more threatening or suspenseful?



Scene 17 - Pinocchio's Temptation
INT. CHURCH - DUSK

Later in the day.

Geppetto is just finishing up painting the crucifix. He’s on
his way down, beginning to pack up when:

PODESTÀ
Master Geppetto, would you mind
coming down?

The Podestà enters with the Town Priest.
48.


TOWN PRIEST
Ah! At last, our savior is
restored!

The Podestà does a Roman salute. Geppetto responds,
halfheartedly. In doing so he accidentally tosses his
paintbrush, which lands with a splatter at The Podestà’s
feet. The Podestà turns cold. Scary.

GEPPETTO
Oh- I- I’m so sorry.

PODESTÀ
Your boy- didn’t show up at school
today...

GEPPETTO
But- he left this morning. I...I
sent him there.

PODESTÀ
Obviously, the puppet is quite a
dissident. An independent thinker-
I’d say...

GEPPETTO
Um...uh...uhh...yes.

PODESTÀ
You better look for him. I trust
that we’ll see the wooden boy
tomorrow, at school.

GEPPETTO
Tomorrow, oh yes, yes- of course.

They exit, leaving Geppetto alone.


EXT. CARNIVAL - DUSK

We see the carnival now fully set up. A crowd of people play
at the High Striker, swinging a hammer to test their
strength.


INT. BACKSTAGE PUPPET THEATRE - DUSK

Pinocchio sits backstage, surrounded by POPCORN, SWEETS and
ICE CREAM- HOT CHOCOLATE after a grand day at the carnival.

He is accompanied by 3 fellow puppets: DEVIL, COLUMBINA and
PUNCHINELLO. They are all controlled by Spazz from up above.
49.


We hear VOICES from the puppets, as Pinocchio hears them,
even though Spazz is doing the puppeteering.

PINOCCHIO
Boy! The carnival sure is grand!

Devil offers him some more treats.

SPAZZATURA (AS DEVIL PUPPET)
How ‘bout some more popcorn!
Ehehehehe.

PINOCCHIO
Oh, I couldn’t eat another bite,
Mr. Diavolo!

SPAZZATURA (AS DEVIL PUPPET)
(indecipherable monkey
noises)

Pinocchio takes the popcorn and eats it.

PINOCCHIO
(to puppets)
Ughh, I better get going to school
I guess...

SPAZZATURA (AS COLUMBINA)
Stay a while, Pinocchio.

Count Volpe enters.

COUNT VOLPE
A-ha, I am sorry to keep you
waiting, my little puppet!

PINOCCHIO
I don’t like being called a puppet.

Count Volpe starts tying string on Pinocchio’s arms and
legs...

COUNT VOLPE
My boy, puppets are le meilleur qui
soit! The TOPS! Lift your arm.
Puppets are well respected in every
station of life!

PINOCCHIO
But I thought it was best to be a
normal boy.

COUNT VOLPE
Oh, no no NO! People love puppets!!
50.


Spazz manipulates all puppets to attention.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
Like Il Diavolo. Columbina.
Punchinello.
(beat)
But of course there is but one
puppet who is KING of them all...

PINOCCHIO
Oh, boy, I’d like to meet that guy!

COUNT VOLPE
Pinocchio!

PINOCCHIO
Wait?!! That’s ME!

COUNT VOLPE
That’s right! You are a wonder! A
miracle! They’ll love you!

PINOCCHIO
Who?

COUNT VOLPE
Les Idiots! The wonderful children
of the world! Lift your leg.
Everyone shall love you and call
your name! Pinocchio! Pinocchio!
Pinocchio...

As Volpe whisks Pinocchio away, Spazz gets pulled down from
the rafters by the still-attached strings. He hits the ground
hard, letting out an audible grunt of pain.
Genres: ["drama","fantasy"]

Summary Geppetto is confronted about Pinocchio's truancy by the Podestà and Town Priest while at the church. Meanwhile, Pinocchio is lured in by Count Volpe's carnival and agrees to perform as a puppet, ignoring Cricket's protests and his commitment to attending school. Spazz gets injured in the process.
Strengths "The tension in this scene is very palpable, with both Geppetto and Pinocchio facing significant obstacles that push their characters' growth. The introduction of Count Volpe and his carnival lead to a greater sense of danger for Pinocchio's future."
Weaknesses "There could have been more development of the internal struggles Geppetto faces, as his emotions regarding his son Carlo and Pinocchio's safety are touched on but not fully explored. The dialogue in some parts could be more concise."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 9

Originality: 8

The scene showcases a unique approach to the classic story of Pinocchio, by examining his struggles to understand his identity and desires in a Renaissance-era Italian town. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue reinforces the setting and themes of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 7

Internal Goal: 9

Pinocchio's internal goal is to understand his identity and desires. He wants to be a normal boy, but is simultaneously fascinated by the world of puppetry and is drawn towards becoming a famous puppet like the ones he has encountered.

External Goal: 8

Pinocchio's external goal is to attend school, but he is in danger of being discovered as a wooden puppet that is not supposed to exist. This external goal reflects the immediate challenges he is facing, including the authority figures' suspicions and his own desire to learn and grow.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 10

Story Forward: 10

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the value of conformity versus the value of individuality. The Podestà is suspicious of Pinocchio's independent thinking, while Count Volpe encourages him to embrace his uniqueness. This conflict challenges Pinocchio's beliefs about what it means to be a 'normal boy' and what it means to be a puppet.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 9

The scene is engaging because it balances light-hearted humor with darker themes of conformity, identity, and authority. The characters are well-drawn and unique, and the conflict between Pinocchio's desire to be a normal boy and his fascination with puppetry creates tension and curiosity.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and curiosity, with moments of humor and conflict interspersed with descriptive action. The scene's structure and pacing keep the audience engaged and invested in Pinocchio's journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear descriptions of the setting and characters, and well-laid-out dialogue that is easy to follow. The formatting enhances the scene's readability and visual impact.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear action and dialogue that drives the plot forward. The scene's focus on Pinocchio's identity and conflicts with authority figures are integral to the larger narrative of his journey to becoming a 'real boy'.


Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and engaging. However, there are a few areas that could be improved.

- The dialogue between Geppetto and the Podestà feels a bit stilted and unnatural. It could benefit from more nuance and subtext to make it more interesting to watch, and to better convey the tension between the two characters.

- The transition from the church to the carnival feels a bit abrupt and lacks a clear narrative connection. It might help to include a transitional shot or moment that links the two scenes, or to establish a clearer reason for Pinocchio to be at the carnival.

- The dialogue between Pinocchio and the other puppets is playful and entertaining, but it also feels a bit aimless and doesn't contribute much to the overall plot or character development. It might be more effective to focus on more specific goals or conflicts within this scene to give it more narrative impact.

- The introduction of Count Volpe feels a bit rushed, and it's not entirely clear why Pinocchio is so receptive to his message. More development of this relationship, and a clearer demonstration of Volpe's influence, could help make this scene more compelling and impactful.

Overall, this scene has a strong foundation, but could benefit from more character development and narrative focus to make it more engaging and effective.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Create more tension in the interaction between Geppetto and the Podestà. Right now, the scene feels a bit flat and could benefit from a more heightened sense of drama.

2. Develop Pinocchio's character more. He feels a bit passive and lacks agency in this scene. Providing more insight into his thoughts and feelings could make the audience care more about him.

3. Make Spazz's fall more significant. As it stands, his fall seems like a minor detail that doesn't have much impact on the story. By making it more significant, you can create more stakes and a sense of danger for the characters.

4. Consider adding more visual details to make the scene come alive. This could include descriptions of the church, the carnival, and the backstage area of the puppet theatre. Adding sensory details like smells and sounds can also help the audience immerse themselves in the story.

5. Finally, think about the overall pacing of the scene. Is it engaging enough to keep the audience's attention, or does it drag on too long? By tightening up the dialogue and action, you can keep the story moving forward and maintain the audience's interest.



Scene 18 - Pinocchio performs at the carnival
INT. PUPPET THEATER - SAME

COUNT VOLPE (O.S.)
Pinocchio!! The living puppet!

Count Volpe opens the curtains to reveal Pinocchio.

He hangs from his strings, limp and inert.

Scant applause. The audience is cautiously curious.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
Violà!

He sees the crowds confusion.
51.


COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
Ohhh?

He hums merrily. Count Volpe brandishes his sword and slices
Pinocchio’s strings.

Pinocchio collapses to the ground, a pile of wood and
strings.

The audience gasps.

Count Volpe takes a VIOLIN and starts the melody of “My Son”.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
A one, and a two, and...

Suddenly Pinocchio springs to life. He taps the stage with
his foot. Slowly he starts discovering a little tap dance;
knocking his body parts together to make a rhythm.

PINOCCHIO (SONG)
My gum...My gum
I pop my bubble gum
I scream, I cry
For ice cream and for pie.

The audience Aaaah’s and claps vehemently. Pinocchio starts
having fun on stage!


EXT. PERIPHERY STREETS - EDGE OF TOWN - NIGHT

Geppetto looks for Pinocchio with the aid of an oil lamp.

GEPPETTO
Pinocchio!!! Pinocchio!!!
Pinocchio!!!

He finds the mangled, torn book of Carlo on the road.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
No- Carlo’s book? What?

He picks it up and brushes it clean revealing the Cricket
still crushed underneath.

CRICKET
Over there!

Geppetto looks in the direction Cricket has pointed and sees
the lights of the carnival off in the distance. He can just
make out the faint trace of Pinocchio, singing something
strangely familiar.
52.


GEPPETTO
That song...How could he know that
song?

Geppetto takes off running, accidentally stepping on Cricket
and crushing him once again.

CRICKET
Ugh, one nightmare after another.


INT. CARNIVAL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Geppetto enters the carnival grounds.

He hears the song “My Son” coming from afar.

He heads towards the tent it appears to be coming from and
enters.

There stands Pinocchio on stage.


INT. PUPPET STAGE - NIGHT

Big finale.

PINOCCHIO (SONG)
You are everything to me
And I love you
My gum... My gum
I pop my bubble gum
What a treat, I’m standing on my
feet
I’m free as the wind
Oh I’m flying,
Bubbling
Popping
Tapping
Gumming
Your son...

PUPPET CHORUS (SONG)
Pop a bubble gum

PINOCCHIO
Your son

PUPPET CHORUS (SONG)
Pop a bubble gum

PINOCCHIO (SONG)
Is happy to have
53.


PUPPET CHORUS (SONG)
Pop a bubble gum
Pop a bubble gum

PINOCCHIO (SONG)
Fun!

Song ends.

Then HUGE OVATION. The audience loves him!!! Count Volpe’s
eyes light up.

Pinocchio bows to everybody! Count Volpe steps in front of
him.


INT. PUPPET SHOW - NIGHT

COUNT VOLPE
Thanks! Thank you! Thank you! And
all those treats are for sale at
the carnival. Thank you!

Money pours into Count Volpe’s collection box!!!

Geppetto arrives amidst the rapturous applause and showering
of money.

GEPPETTO
Pinocchio, what’s all this?? What
are you doing?

PINOCCHIO
Papa! I’m a star, Papa! A star!
They love me! They accept me!

Geppetto swats away one of the many young fans that grasps at
both him and Pinocchio.

GEPPETTO
(grunted)
Oh, what do you...?

Geppetto scoops him up him and starts walking away.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
Errr--Enough of this nonsense! You
were supposed to be at school. And
how do you know that song anyway?

Count Volpe continues relishing in the crowd’s applause,
unaware that his star performer is GONE.
54.


Spazz tries to warn him, but Count Volpe is busy collecting
money.

COUNT VOLPE
You simian simpleton!

He finally realizes Pinocchio is gone. He grabs Spazz by the
neck and squeezes him!!

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
My star! Where is my star??!!
Genres: ["Musical","Fantasy","Comedy"]

Summary Pinocchio performs at a carnival, ignoring his commitment to attend school. Count Volpe discovers the existence of Pinocchio and plots to obtain him. Geppetto searches for Pinocchio and arrives at the carnival. Pinocchio is a huge success on stage and Count Volpe is furious when he realizes Pinocchio is gone.
Strengths "The scene is full of energy and has a clear central conflict. Pinocchio's excitement is infectious."
Weaknesses "The themes of the scene feel simplistic and unexplored. The dialogue is sometimes repetitive and lacks depth."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 7

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. The puppet theater and carnival setting are not entirely unique, but the use of Pinocchio's character and the song 'My Son' provides a fresh approach to a familiar story. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is high.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 8

Pinocchio's internal goal in this scene is to be accepted and loved by his father. This desire reflects his deeper need for a sense of belonging and love.

External Goal: 9

Pinocchio's external goal in this scene is to perform and entertain the audience. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances of being a puppet in a performance and the challenge of satisfying the crowd.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 7

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between living to please others versus living as one's true self. Pinocchio desires acceptance from his father and the audience, but in order to achieve it, he must perform as a puppet and sing the song 'My Son'. This conflict challenges Pinocchio's belief that being himself is enough.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the playful and whimsical atmosphere that is established. The use of the song 'My Son' also adds to the emotional impact of the scene.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective because it moves between the performance and Geppetto's search for Pinocchio at a steady pace that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre with clear scene headings and concise descriptions of the action and dialogue.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected structure for its genre. The scene begins with the performance and then transitions to Geppetto searching for Pinocchio and then ultimately finding him at the end.


Critique Overall, the scene effectively conveys the excitement and energy of Pinocchio's performance at the carnival, as well as the tension and danger he faces in the hands of Count Volpe. However, there are a few areas that could be improved:

- The dialogue is a bit clunky and heavy-handed at times, especially when Geppetto discovers the torn book and asks "No- Carlo’s book? What?" It may be more effective to show his reaction through his facial expression and body language instead of having him state the obvious.

- The song lyrics for Pinocchio's performance could be more memorable and catchy. The current lyrics feel a bit generic and forgettable.

- The character of Count Volpe could use some more depth and complexity to make him a more compelling villain. Right now he seems like a one-note bad guy who is only interested in making money from Pinocchio's performance. Adding some motivations or backstory could make him a more interesting antagonist.

Overall, the scene has potential but could use some refinement in the writing.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene would be to add more tension and conflict. Currently, there are no real obstacles for Pinocchio or Geppetto to overcome and the scene lacks a clear antagonist. Introducing a villain or a source of conflict could make the scene more engaging and keep the audience invested in the story.

Additionally, more development and characterization for the supporting characters would enhance the scene. The audience is introduced to Count Volpe and Spazz, but they do not have much depth or personality. Expanding on their motivations and personalities could make them more compelling and increase the stakes of the story.

Finally, refining the pacing could improve the scene. The song and dance sequence goes on for a long time and could benefit from being tightened up, while the search for Pinocchio feels rushed and could be given more attention. Balancing the pacing and making the scene flow more smoothly could make it more enjoyable for the audience.



Scene 19 - Pinocchio's Betrayal
EXT. CARNIVAL - NIGHT

Pinocchio walks away, hand in hand with Geppetto. The crowd
of children follow.

GEPPETTO
You ruined Carlo’s book! And...and
you didn’t go to school- Why? You
promised me you would behave!!
Like...like...like...

PINOCCHIO
Carlo.

GEPPETTO
Yes.

PINOCCHIO
I was going to, Papa- but- but-

Geppetto stops by the road. A truck goes by.

GEPPETTO
Yes, Pinocchio, what?

PINOCCHIO
Ten bandits came out of the bushes
and took-

His nose starts to grow. A small crowd of KIDS has begun to
gather. They clap and applaud, thinking this is still part of
the performance.

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
They came out of the bushes and
they- they took the book-

It grows again.
55.


GEPPETTO
Oh, oh I see. And then what
happened?

PINOCCHIO
They had an axe and they- they
wanted- they wanted chocolate- hot
chocolate-

His nose grows some more.

GEPPETTO
Pinocchio- you shouldn’t lie to
me!! I am your Papa!!

PINOCCHIO
But I’m telling the truth!!

Nose grows. Crowd grows. The FREAKS, circus performers and
general public gather around.

GEPPETTO
Then why is your nose growing?

PINOCCHIO
It’s NOT!!

Pinocchio’s nose grows so long that it branches out.

GEPPETTO
Lies, lies, and more lies!

PINOCCHIO
(screaming)
I! AM NOT! LYIIIIIIIING!!!!!

Branches bloom with needles and pine cones. The GAWKERS
applaud!!!

GEPPETTO
Will you look at you!
(to the crowd)
Go away! This is not a
spectacle!!!

COUNT VOLPE
BUT IT IS! Unhand my Carissimo, you
carousing...
(spitting out leaves)
kleptomaniac-

He grabs Pinocchio by one arm and Geppetto holds him by the
other.
56.


GEPPETTO
Do not touch him! I made him!

COUNT VOLPE
And I discovered him!

Crowd murmurs, watching the tug of war.

GEPPETTO
He’s not your puppet, he’s mine!!

CRICKET
(interrupting)
Perhaps we should...

COUNT VOLPE
Oh, he is neither! He’s an actor.
MY actor!!

A TRUCK approaches as they start a contest of wills, pushing
and pulling on Pinocchio until-

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
Give him to me!

GEPPETTO
Never!

Geppetto pulls one final time-

-and Count Volpe lets go!! Pinocchio (nose in full bloom)
ricochets away and finds himself in the path of the truck.

CRICKET
Oh, dear-

PINOCCHIO
Haha! That was so much fun, Papa!

GEPPETTO
No!

It hits him- square on. Flower petals fly everywhere.

He lands on the ground- nose broken back to normal.

Out of the truck climb the Podestà, his Wife, and Candlewick.

PODESTÀ'S WIFE
(softly)
Oh no.

GEPPETTO
Pinocchio!
57.


PODESTÀ
He came out of nowhere! T-that’s
what happens when you let children
run wild!

Pinocchio lies on the road. Everyone approaches his body.

PINE NEEDLES FALL GENTLY on the immobile puppet.

The Cricket looks at him mournfully.

CRICKET (V.O.)
Pinocchio was dead. That much was
apparent to any astute observer...
but, little did I know, that death
was not the end.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:
Genres: ["Fantasy","Drama","Adventure"]

Summary Pinocchio abandons his school commitment to perform in Count Volpe's carnival. Geppetto, Podestà, and the Town Priest confront Geppetto about Pinocchio's truancy. Meanwhile, Count Volpe discovers Pinocchio and plans to obtain him for his show. Pinocchio is a successful performer while Geppetto searches for him. Count Volpe is angry when he realizes Pinocchio is gone.
Strengths "The tension and conflict between Geppetto and Count Volpe contribute to the stakes. Pinocchio's betrayal and the subsequent tragic event create emotional impact. The imaginative world-building adds to the magic of the story."
Weaknesses "The dialogue is repetitive, and some scenes drag on too long. Pinocchio's character development is unclear and superficial."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 8

Originality: 8

The scene takes a fresh approach to the classic story of Pinocchio by introducing new characters and emphasizing Pinocchio's internal conflict. The characters' actions and dialogue are authentic and serve their individual purposes.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 8

Internal Goal: 8

Pinocchio's internal goal is to convince his father that he's telling the truth, even though he's lying. This reflects his fear of punishment and desire for acceptance and love from his father.

External Goal: 7

Pinocchio's external goal is to protect himself from punishment for his lies and the tug-of-war between Geppetto and Count Volpe for ownership.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 10

Story Forward: 10

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is truth versus lies and ownership versus freedom. It challenges Pinocchio's views on honesty and belonging to someone.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 10

The scene is engaging due to its humorous and dramatic moments, along with the tension between the characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds up tension towards the climax and resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The scene follows industry-standard formatting, making it easy to follow and understand.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively building tension towards the conclusion.


Critique Overall, this scene has strong dramatic elements and tension as it builds towards Pinocchio's tragic accident. The use of the crowd and various characters adds depth to the scene. However, the dialogue could be more polished, as it comes across as clunky and unnatural at times. Additionally, the visuals could be stronger, as the nose growing and pine needles falling could be emphasized more to enhance the impact of the scene. Finally, the transitions between scenes could use more nuance to transition effectively. Overall, there is a solid foundation, but refinement could elevate the scene further.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is pretty well-written, but there are a few suggestions I have for improvement:

1. Clarify the action: The scene is quite chaotic, with different characters talking and tugging on Pinocchio at the same time. It might help to clarify the action by breaking it down into smaller beats and describing who is doing what at each moment. For example, you might write something like, "Geppetto tugs on Pinocchio's left arm while Count Volpe tugs on his right. Pinocchio's nose grows longer and longer as the two men struggle for control."

2. Build tension: There's a lot of chaos in this scene, but it might help to build tension by focusing on the emotions of each character. For example, you might show Geppetto becoming increasingly frustrated with Pinocchio's lies, while Count Volpe grows more and more aggressive in his attempts to claim the puppet. By focusing on the characters' inner emotions, you can make the scene more engaging for the audience.

3. Be mindful of tone: The scene is a bit tonally confusing, with Pinocchio's nose growing longer and longer while the crowd cheers and applauds. If you want the audience to feel the gravity of the situation - Pinocchio's life is in danger, after all - consider toning down the comic elements and focusing more on the drama.

4. Shorten the action: Finally, the scene could benefit from some tightening up. There are a lot of characters and plot points competing for attention, and the scene might be more effective if you focused on the most important moments - Pinocchio's lie, his nose growing, the tug-of-war between Geppetto and Count Volpe, and the final moment of Pinocchio's death. By cutting out some of the extraneous details, you can make the scene more impactful.



Scene 20 - Pinocchio Goes to Limbo
INT. EXT. DARKNESS

BLACK RABBITS carry Pinocchio in a coffin. They ascend a
circular mound in the darkness.

RABBITS IN CHORUS
Thou art gone- Thy life hast fled
All shall now bewail thee dead.

The coffin top begins to rattle.

RABBIT 1
Did you hear that?

PINOCCHIO
(gasps)
Who's there?!

RABBIT 3
I thought he was dead?

RABBIT 1
He is dead! I saw the paperwork
myself.

PINOCCHIO
Hello? I'm not dead!

They climb higher and higher.
58.


As they sing, they hear noises coming from inside. They try
to ignore it.

RABBITS IN CHORUS
No more flesh
And no more bone
No more trouble
To bemoan.


INT. LIMBO ANTEROOM

They reach what looks like a bureaucratic office with a
modest card table, four chairs, filing cabinets, a punch
clock and a coffee maker.

All the Rabbits punch the clock.

Pinocchio still in coffin, peeks out to see what’s happening.

Listening to muzak, the Rabbits have sat down to pick up
their poker game.

RABBIT 3
Alright... eh, so where were we?

RABBIT 1
Who's deal?

RABBIT 4
It's my deal, right?

RABBIT 1
Alright boys, ante up!

RABBIT 3
What's the limit again?

RABBIT 2
20's the limit, ya mook.

RABBIT 1 (O.S.)
You got something under there,
don't ya?

RABBIT 2
Not me.

RABBIT 3 (O.S.)
Probably has a leibedik 6.

RABBIT 4 (O.S.)
Hahaha, very funny.
59.


At this Pinocchio slowly emerges from the coffin, curious.

PINOCCHIO
(gasping)
Are you playing a game? Can I play?
I wanna play.

RABBIT 4
Flush! HehHehHeh.

He takes the chips.

All the other Rabbits groan.

Pan to reveal Pinocchio standing next to them.

PINOCCHIO
I wanna play! Please, please,
please!!! Can I play!?

RABBIT 3
What part of dead don't you
understand, schmendrik?

PINOCCHIO
It’s boring in there! I hate being
dead!

A LIGHT begins flashing!!

RABBIT 1
Uh-oh- Now you did it.

PINOCCHIO
What’s that?

RABBIT 4
Processing. Go see the boss, kid.
Through there- you’ll see her.

Pinocchio heads towards a large ornate door on the other side
of the room. The Rabbits return to their poker game.

RABBIT 1
Gimme a friggin’ ace!

RABBIT 2
(laughs)

Pinocchio opens the door and enters.
60.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Pinocchio is carried in a coffin by black rabbits to Limbo Anteroom and stumbles into a bureaucratic office of playing rabbits. They direct him to the boss through a large ornate door.
Strengths "The scene introduces a quirky and fantastical setting of the Limbo Anteroom, with a bureaucracy of playing rabbits. The whimsical tone is consistent throughout the scene and the dialogue is comical."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks significant plot development and character arc. Additionally, there is little conflict and emotional impact."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 8

Originality: 9

The scene is quite original in its use of rabbits carrying Pinocchio in a coffin in the darkness and the unexpected situation of him playing poker with them while he is dead. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 2

Internal Goal: 8

Pinocchio's internal goal is to not be dead anymore and to join the rabbits in playing poker. This reflects his desire to be a part of the group and feel alive again.

External Goal: 6

Pinocchio's external goal is to find out what the flashing light means and to see the boss. This reflects the immediate circumstances he finds himself in as a result of being carried by the rabbits in the darkness.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 4

Story Forward: 6

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0

No philosophical conflict is evident in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of mystery and intrigue with the rabbits carrying Pinocchio in the darkness, and then adds humor and surprise with the situation of him playing poker with them while he is dead.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in creating a sense of tension and then releasing it with the unexpected situation of Pinocchio playing poker with the rabbits.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and well-defined actions and dialogue.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear scene headings and well-defined actions and dialogue.


Critique This scene appears to be part of a larger story, but as a standalone scene, it does not provide enough context for the audience. It is unclear why Pinocchio is being carried in a coffin by rabbits or why they are ascending a circular mound. Additionally, the dialogue is somewhat confusing and lacks specificity - it is unclear what kind of paperwork Rabbit 1 saw, for example, or what a "leibedik 6" is.

The worldbuilding is also somewhat inconsistent, as the scene begins in "INT. EXT. DARKNESS," suggesting that they are in an outdoor space, but then transitions to an "INT. LIMBO ANTEROOM" with various objects that would suggest an indoor setting.

More information may be needed to fully evaluate this scene, but as it stands, it lacks clarity and specificity.
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, I would suggest the following improvements to this scene:

1. Provide some context about why Pinocchio is being carried by black rabbits in a coffin to add to the story's coherence.

2. Redesign the limbo anteroom so that it’s more interesting and engaging. A bureaucratic office is overdone; we could make it more consistent with the story's overall tone.

3. Provide more visual descriptions of the scene, especially the character appearances, so that the audience can visualize the characters more easily.

4. Increase the tension in the scene by building up the conflict between Pinocchio, who desires to come back to life, and the rabbits, who want to continue with their poker game.

5. Include more dialogue that will develop the relationship between the rabbits and Pinocchio, making it more intriguing for the audience.

6. Provide more specific descriptions of the door Pinocchio walks through to add to the setting, making it more interesting and engaging.

7. Use a more formal and consistent formatting style so that the scene can be understood more easily.



Scene 21 - Pinocchio Meets Death
INT. LIMBO

It’s all dark.

PINOCCHIO
Hello? Hello?

Two headlamp-like eyes open and illuminate the darkness-

-they cast their light on Pinocchio.

DEATH
Who are you? I feel as though
you’ve been here before.

PINOCCHIO
I am Pinocchio. I’m a boy... and I
think I’m... dead.

DEATH
Ah, yes, I see. The wooden
boy...with the borrowed soul. My
sister’s folly.

Light fades slowly, revealing a beautiful Sphinx with a
silver mask identical to the Wood Sprite’s (Again, subtly
reminiscent of Carlo’s mother’s face). This is DEATH.

DEATH (CONT’D)
The sentimental fool. She gave you
life, Pinocchio- when you were not
supposed to have it- NO more than a
chair or a table should. As a
result... You cannot truly- truly-
die...

PINOCCHIO
Oh, boy, oh, boy- And...and that’s
GOOD, right?!

DEATH
Well- it means that you are not-
nor will ever be- a real boy like
Carlo.
(beat)
The one thing that makes human life
precious and meaningful, you see,
is death.

Death reaches down and grabs a handful of sand.

PINOCCHIO
Oh...
61.


DEATH
Don’t get me wrong- you will die
many, many times-

She lets it flow through her fingers.

She taps the plinth she lays upon, activating a set of
increasingly large hourglasses.

DEATH (CONT’D)
(clears throat)
This being one of them. But they
are not REAL deaths. Just waiting
periods. There are rules, you see,
despite my sister’s disregard for
them.

She sets down the first one- a tiny hourglass.

DEATH (CONT’D)
We will both have to wait for the
sand to run out.
(beat)
You will stay here, with me, a
little longer each time you cross-
until the end of time.

The sand has almost run out.

PINOCCHIO
And then? After that sand runs out?

DEATH
I will simply send you back. Every
time.

PINOCCHIO
I see. Well, in that case, I’d like
to ask you ONE thing--
Ahhhhhhh!

THE TIMER RUNS OUT.

DEATH
See you next time.

A black hole opens under Pinocchio and he falls down.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Drama"]

Summary Pinocchio finds himself talking to Death about his wooden existence and learns that he cannot die. Death shows him the hourglasses of their existence, and Pinocchio is sent back every time he 'dies.'
Strengths "Compelling Dialogue, Fascinating World-building, Strong Character Development, Clear Theme"
Weaknesses "Limited Action, Slow-Paced"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 10

Plot: 9

Originality: 8

The scene takes a unique perspective on the Pinocchio story, exploring themes of mortality and the meaning of life. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and true to their respective roles.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 7

Internal Goal: 9

Pinocchio's internal goal is to understand the nature of his existence and his mortality.

External Goal: 9

Pinocchio's external goal is to ask Death a question before the timer runs out.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 6

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the value of life and death, as Death explains to Pinocchio the significance of death in making human life meaningful.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 8

The scene is engaging because it explores philosophical themes in a unique way, and builds tension through the timer ticking down.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is deliberate and effective, building tension and allowing for moments of reflection.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The formatting of the scene is clean and easy to follow, with clear descriptions of the characters' actions and dialogue.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear beginning, middle, and end.


Critique Overall, this scene sets up an interesting concept and dynamic between Pinocchio and Death, but there are a few areas that could be improved.

Firstly, the dialogue could be strengthened. While there are some moments of humor and tension, some of the lines come across as too on-the-nose, such as when Death explicitly explains the rules of the hourglasses and Pinocchio’s fate. Finding a more subtle way to convey this information could make the scene more engaging for the audience.

Additionally, there could be more sensory detail included to enhance the atmosphere of Limbo. As it is, the scene feels a bit sparse and could benefit from more description of the setting and the physical actions of the characters.

Finally, the ending could be revised to make it more impactful. While the sudden timer running out creates a moment of surprise, it doesn’t feel like much of a climax or resolution. Adding more tension or consequence to the exchange between Pinocchio and Death could make for a more satisfying conclusion.

Overall, this scene has potential but could be elevated with some tweaks to the dialogue, description, and structure.
Suggestions Overall, this scene is well written and establishes the stakes for Pinocchio's journey. However, there are a few ways it could be improved:

1. Establish the setting: At the beginning of the scene, it's unclear where Pinocchio is or what Limbo looks like. Adding some description here would help the audience visualize the scene.

2. Be more concise: Some of the dialogue, particularly Death's explanation of the hourglasses, feels a bit repetitive. Tightening up the dialogue and cutting unnecessary exposition would make the scene feel more impactful.

3. Give Pinocchio more agency: While Pinocchio asks Death a question at the end of the scene, he mostly just listens to Death's exposition. Giving him something to do or a goal to work towards would make the scene more engaging.

4. Consider adding visual interest: The scene mostly consists of two characters talking in a dark space. Adding some visual elements, like interesting props or lighting, could make the scene more visually engaging.



Scene 22 - Pinocchio's Resurrection
INT. DOCTOR’S HOME - NIGHT

Pinocchio lies on a table. The DOCTOR examines his chest,
looking for a heartbeat.
62.


Everyone waits around: Count Volpe, Geppetto, the Podestà,
Candlewick, Spazz, Podestà’s Wife, etc.

DOCTOR
No- No-

CRICKET
Oh, Pinocchio.

DOCTOR
(looks for a pulse again)
Niente-

Sebastian watches nervously from above.

DOCTOR (CONT’D)
There’s not much we can do. I’m
afraid: The body is rigid.

GEPPETTO
But he’s always been rigid! He’s
made of wood!!

COUNT VOLPE
Even if he’s dead- I could still
book him...

GEPPETTO
How dare you, sir? Show some
respect!!

COUNT VOLPE
YOU show respect! To me and my
projected quarterly earnings!

PODESTÀ
Gentleman, please. This is no time
for your petty grievances.

Spazz mocks the Podestà.

The Town Priest says a prayer and throws holy water on
Pinocchio.

DOCTOR
How do you intend to dispose of the
dead body?

PINOCCHIO
A dead body? Where?

THEY ALL TURN!!! The women gasp in fright.
63.


GEPPETTO
Pinocchio! You’re alive!!

PODESTÀ
(interrupts)
He is immortal!!

COUNT VOLPE
Long live the arts!!

PODESTÀ’S WIFE/DOCTOR’S WIFE
(crossing themselves)
It’s a miracle!!!

PINOCCHIO climbs down. Staggers a bit. Geppetto steadies him.

GEPPETTO
Take it easy, my child. Lean on me.
We- we are going home!!

COUNT VOLPE
Eheheh, wait a moment!! I have a
legally binding contract!!

He produces his LONG LOOOONG contract.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
Signed by both artist and
management.

Geppetto stares at the signatures with bewilderment.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
He either performs or you owe me-
ten million lira!!

GEPPETTO
Well, that’s ridiculous!! It’s just
a smiling sun!!

COUNT VOLPE
It’s still his signature, is it
not??!!

PINOCCHIO
I drew that!!

Spazzatura chuckles manically.

COUNT VOLPE
A-ha! I demand full restitution
before the law!! Including
transportation, transmutation, all
the future representation...
64.


The Podestà pushes in to get to Pinocchio!!

PODESTÀ
Our country comes first! This boy
cannot be killed!! He is the ideal
soldier!! He must be drafted into
the youth camps- by law!!

He salutes, everybody salutes (two or three times).

PODESTÀ (CONT’D)
(to Pinocchio)
You will learn to fight and fire a
weapon and be a real Italian boy!

GEPPETTO
We...we must go- we truly must go.
We will all speak later, I am
sure!!

COUNT VOLPE
Not to me, sir!! Speak to my
lawyers!!
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Pinocchio's supposed death creates chaos, involving various characters who have their own interests and motivations; he is then revealed to be alive and the source of their conflict.
Strengths "Creative concept, sharp satirical writing, quick pacing, memorable characters."
Weaknesses "The scene relies heavily on dialogue, which may be tiring for some viewers. The stakes could be higher."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 6

Originality: 9

The scene is highly original, with fresh takes on classic characters and situations. The use of Pinocchio as a metaphor for autonomy and freedom is an interesting and unique approach to the story, while the various competing interests and moral dilemmas faced by the characters add depth and complexity to the narrative. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue helps to ground the surrealism of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 8

Pinocchio's internal goal is to come back to life and escape the many forces vying for his attention and control. This reflects his need for freedom and autonomy, as well as his desire to be a real boy and live a fulfilling life.

External Goal: 9

Pinocchio's external goal in this scene is to convince the others that he is alive and escape their various demands and pressures. This reflects his immediate challenge of navigating the various obstacles that stand in the way of his autonomy and freedom.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 9

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict present in this scene is a clash of values and beliefs between the characters. Count Volpe values money and profit above all else, while Geppetto values Pinocchio's life and autonomy. Podestà represents the state's interests in drafting Pinocchio for militaristic purposes, while the Town Priest represents religious values and notions of divine power. This conflict challenges Pinocchio's own beliefs and values, as he struggles to assert himself in the face of these competing interests.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 10

This scene is engaging because it is fast-paced, chaotic, and full of conflict and tension. The characters are all distinct and interesting, and their competing interests and desires make for a compelling narrative.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and highlighting the various conflicts and interests at play. The fast-paced and chaotic structure mirrors the frenzied atmosphere of the moment and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for its genre. The transitions between dialogue and action are smooth and well-executed.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear conflict and resolution. The fast-paced and chaotic structure mirrors the frenzied atmosphere of the moment.


Critique Overall, this scene has potential but could use some work. The dialogue is somewhat scattered and could be tightened up to better serve the story and characters. Here are a few specific suggestions:

- The Doctor's examination of Pinocchio could be more visually interesting. Right now, it only says he's "looking for a heartbeat." Perhaps there could be some medical equipment involved or other actions the Doctor takes to try to revive Pinocchio. This would also give the other characters more to react to.

- The argument between Count Volpe and Geppetto feels a bit forced. It's not clear why Volpe would be so invested in keeping Pinocchio to perform, especially if they think he's dead. What is his motivation here? Additionally, Geppetto's line about the smiling sun doesn't quite make sense in context.

- The bit about Pinocchio being drafted into youth camps seems out of left field. Why is this suddenly happening now? Is it related to the fact that they thought he was dead? It would be helpful to have more context here.

- Some of the jokes fall flat, such as Spazz's mocking of the Podestà. This could be reworked or cut.

- Lastly, the ending with Count Volpe insisting on payment for Pinocchio's "signature" feels a bit anticlimactic. Is there a way to heighten this tension or add a twist to the scene?
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. The pacing of the scene is very slow and there is not much tension or excitement. Consider adding more urgency to the moment and making the audience feel like Pinocchio's life is truly at stake.

2. The dialogue feels heavy-handed and unnatural. It may be helpful to read the lines out loud and see if they sound like something a real person would say.

3. The characters are all speaking at the same time and it's hard to keep track of who is saying what. Try giving each character a clear, distinct voice and make sure their dialogue is easy to follow.

4. Consider adding some visual elements to the scene to make it more interesting to watch. For instance, you could show close-ups of Pinocchio's chest as the doctor examines him, or show the reactions of each character as they hear the news that Pinocchio might be dead.

5. Finally, try to find a way to build to a satisfying conclusion to the scene. As it is currently written, it ends very abruptly and doesn't leave the audience with a clear sense of what's going to happen next. Consider adding a cliffhanger or some kind of twist that will make the audience want to keep watching.



Scene 23 - Pinocchio's Plan
EXT. BIRCH WOODS - NIGHT

Geppetto and Pinocchio walk through the woods. Geppetto is
cold, clutching/rubbing his arms, Pinocchio entirely
unbothered by the frosty night air.

GEPPETTO
(heartbroken)
What a day, what a day...

PINOCCHIO
A fun day!

GEPPETTO
What will we do??

PINOCCHIO
Oh, don’t worry, Papa! I’ll go to
war! It sounds quite fun! I can
learn to fight and- and fire a
weapon and- march like -

GEPPETTO
(on verge of tears)
No, Pinocchio, war is not fun! War
is not good! War... war took Carlo
away from me...
65.


PINOCCHIO
Then I simply won’t go!

GEPPETTO
(getting frustrated)
But you HAVE to go now. It’s the
law!

PINOCCHIO
Even when it’s something bad?

GEPPETTO
Yes, we ALL have to obey the law,
whether we like it or not!!

PINOCCHIO
Why?

GEPPETTO
I...I don’t have time- or patience
enough to explain that to you.
I...I owe that man a fortune
and...and you, you will be taken
far away and recruited into
military youth camps, and
now...now, now look what you’ve
turned me into. I made you to be
like Carlo! Why can’t you be more
like Carlo?!

Geppetto is spent, exhausted- his eyes tear-stained.
Pinocchio blubbers, understandably heartbroken.

PINOCCHIO
Because I’m NOT Carlo! I don’t
wanna be like Carlo! Carlo is...

GEPPETTO
Enough!!!
(beat)
You are such a burden.

Geppetto shakes his head, defeated.

He walks away, saddened. Pinocchio stays behind. He is
crushed.

Cricket, who has just caught up with them, stares sadly at
Pinocchio, heartbroken for the boy.

Geppetto keeps walking, tear-stained.

FADE OUT / IN:
66.


INT. GEPPETTO BEDROOM - NIGHT

Geppetto is sound asleep. Pinocchio lies awake. Tossing and
turning in his bed. A tear rolls down his cheek. He looks
longingly at his father.

PINOCCHIO
(to himself)
His nose didn’t grow.

CRICKET
What’s that?

PINOCCHIO
When he called me a burden- his
nose didn’t grow. That’s how he
really feels...
(sniffs)
I don’t want to be a burden... I
don’t want to hurt Papa and make
him want to yell at me like that...

CRICKET
Oh, Pinocchio- sometimes fathers
feel despair- like everybody else-
and they say things- things they
only THINK they mean in the moment.
But with time they learn that- that
they never really meant it at all.
Do you understand?

PINOCCHIO
(Excited gasp!)

Pinocchio leaps out of bed.

CRICKET
Hey! Hey! Where are you going?

CUT TO:


INT. GEPPETTO’S WORKSHOP - NIGHT

Pinocchio is excitedly climbing down the steps.

PINOCCHIO
I’ve got a plan!

CRICKET
Pinocchio, what-- what are you
doing?
67.


PINOCCHIO
You’ll see. I am going to the
carnival! That way I can help Papa
AND I won’t go to war!

He leans on Geppetto’s WORK TABLE and pulls a pencil and a
piece of paper. The Cricket jumps onto the desk.

PINOCCHIO (CONT’D)
I’ll leave him a note, explaining
everything.

CRICKET
No, Pinocchio- don’t do this!!

Pinocchio draws a SMILING/LAUGHING SUN. The Cricket smiles.

CRICKET (CONT’D)
Aw- that’s-

SLAM!! Pinocchio puts an upside glass and a heavy hammer on
top- the Cricket is trapped!!

CRICKET (CONT’D)
No! No!--
No! No! Don’t do this!

PINOCCHIO
You tell him, that I will send him
money. And tell him, I love him-
and I won’t be a burden anymore...

Through the distorted glass, the Cricket sees Pinocchio
leaving!!

CRICKET
No!!!

He starts pushing the glass with all his might- moves it
nearer and nearer to the edge of the table.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Fantasy"]

Summary Pinocchio plans to run away from his school and perform in a carnival to avoid going to war. Geppetto and Pinocchio argue about the law and Pinocchio feeling like a burden. Pinocchio decides to leave a note for Geppetto and the cricket tries to stop him, but gets trapped under a glass. Pinocchio leaves for the carnival, determined to send Geppetto money and prove he's not a burden.
Strengths "The scene effectively conveys Pinocchio's desperation and determination to prove himself. The strained relationship between Pinocchio and Geppetto also adds emotional depth to the scene."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue feels a bit heavy-handed and clich\u00e9, particularly during Geppetto and Pinocchio's argument."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 9

Originality: 6

The scene's originality comes from the concept of the military youth camp and the father-son dynamic. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and realistic.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 7

Internal Goal: 9

Pinocchio's internal goal is to not be a burden to his father and to find a way to avoid going to war. This reflects his fear and desire to belong and be loved by his father.

External Goal: 8

Pinocchio's external goal in this scene is to convince his father not to make him go to war and to find a solution that benefits both of them.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 7

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Geppetto's belief that one should follow the law and Pinocchio's belief that it's not always right to follow orders blindly. This conflict challenges Pinocchio's values and forces him to make a difficult decision.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it focuses on the complex emotions between the father and son. The audience is invested in their relationship and wants to know how they resolve their conflict.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness because it allows the audience to feel the characters' emotions and understand their motivations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre. The descriptions are clear and concise.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing of the scene is well-done.


Critique Overall, there are some good elements in this scene, but there are also areas that can be improved.

Firstly, the dialogue between Geppetto and Pinocchio comes across as quite choppy and disjointed in places. It would benefit from some smoother transitions and more natural, flowing language.

Additionally, Geppetto's sudden outburst towards Pinocchio at the end of the scene feels quite abrupt and out of character, given the gentle and nurturing role he has played up until this point. If this is a deliberate character choice, then it needs to be set up more effectively earlier in the scene.

Finally, the action beats and on-screen descriptions (such as "Geppetto shakes his head, defeated") would be better conveyed through more subtle character blocking and expressive acting. Less is often more when it comes to incorporating stage directions into a screenplay.

Overall, with some refining and tightening, this scene has potential to be emotionally impactful and further the plot of the story effectively.
Suggestions Overall, this scene could benefit from more specific and emotional dialogue that reflects the characters' personalities and motivations. It would also be helpful to clarify the location and actions of the characters, as it's not entirely clear what they are doing in the woods or how they got there.

Here are some specific suggestions for improvement:

- Add more descriptive language to set the scene and create a mood. For example, describe the frosty air in more detail or use sensory language to describe the woods.
- Consider making Geppetto and Pinocchio's dialogue more distinct. Right now, their voices sound fairly similar, which can make the scene feel flat. Think about what their individual motivations are in this scene and how that would affect the way they speak.
- Geppetto's outburst about Carlo feels somewhat forced and out of place. Consider finding a way to work in his past history with Carlo in a more natural way, perhaps through a brief flashback or a reference earlier in the script.
- It's not entirely clear why Pinocchio suddenly decides to go to the carnival. Adding more context for this decision would make it feel more natural.
- The Cricket's dialogues feels somewhat generic and doesn't add much to the scene. Consider finding ways to make him more unique and interesting as a character.



Scene 24 - Pinocchio Runs Away
EXT. CARNIVAL - NIGHT

Cold winds blow as Pinocchio knocks on Count Volpe’s door.
Footsteps are heard- cursing and then the door pops open.

Count Volpe- sword in hand- half-awake!!

COUNT VOLPE
What is that!! What do you want in
the middle of the-
(MORE)
68.
COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
(sees Pinocchio)
My beloved star!!! How can I be of
assistance??

PINOCCHIO
(shivering)
If I work for you- will you forget
the money you want from my Papa?

Spazzatura peeks from behind Count Volpe’s legs, jealous!

COUNT VOLPE
Oh, absolutely, my dear boy!

PINOCCHIO
And will you send him my share of
the profits??

COUNT VOLPE
HehHeh, clear accounting all the
way!! Fifty-fifty right down the
middle!!

Volpe draws a line in the sand.

They shake hands, vigorously.

SPAZZATURA BARES HIS TEETH to Pinocchio.

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
Everybody up!!!!

Lights turn on in every caravan!!

COUNT VOLPE (CONT’D)
We’re leaving!!!


INT. GEPPETTO WORKSHOP - SAME

The Cricket manages to push the glass and now there is an
opening.

He maneuvers himself out of the glass- The fall is enormous,
but he will brave it.

But the glass tilts and falls, bringing the Cricket down with
it!!

They crash on the floor below!! And the HAMMER follows.

CRICKET
Ahhh...
69.


The hammer just misses him. Cricket is alive!

Cricket starts to walk away, but the hammer teeters.

It falls and crushes him!

CRICKET (CONT’D)
The pain- ughh...

CUT TO:


INT. GEPPETTO BEDROOM - MORNING

Next morning. Geppetto wakes in bed, groggy. He puts on his
glasses and looks to Pinocchio’s bed.

GEPPETTO
Pinocchio- Son- I just wanted to
say...

The bed is empty. A moment of regret. Dread...


INT. WORKSHOP - MORNING

Geppetto walks down the stairs.

Pinocchio isn’t there.

GEPPETTO
Pinocchio?

Geppetto looks under workbench, etc.

Finds the Cricket and the broken glass.

GEPPETTO (CONT’D)
Oh, little Cricket...

Geppetto reaches down and gently picks him up.

Geppetto’s eyes discover the handwritten note with crudely
drawn SMILING SUN FACE.

CRICKET
(coming to)
He’s gone...to the carnival!

CUT TO:
70.


EXT. ITALIAN COUNTRYSIDE / RUINS - MORNING

Geppetto rushes through the outskirts of TOWN. DESPERATE!
Rushing towards the carnival.

Geppeto arrives:

The lot is now vacant: cars and trucks are gone- ground is
crisscrossed by the tire tracks.

Geppetto looks around, in terror.

GEPPETTO
Pinocchio!! Pinocchio!! Pinocchio!!
Oh- oh- How will I ever find
him??!!

CRICKET
Oh, now you want to find him. After
all the things you said? After you
called him a burden. A burden!? Why
are you so blind? So, absolutely
blind? The boy loves you- he has
much to learn, but he loves you for
who you are. Would it kill you to
do as much for him?? You should
start acting like a father- a real
father. Not an old, stubborn goat-
who is so busy moaning and crying
about his losses- me, me, me, poor
me- that he cannot see the love he
actually HAS.

GEPPETTO
It’s a schedule...
(exhales)

CRICKET
I may be a bug, sir- but I have a
thing or two to teach you
about...Hey!! Where are you going?

Geppetto has picked up a flyer of-

-COUNT VOLPE’s MARVELOUS MARIONETTES!! On it are the dates
and locations of the upcoming shows.

GEPPETTO
After my son!

He dashes off, waving the flyer excitedly.
71.


CRICKET
Excuse me- If I may- Perhaps we
should- Wait!!

Cricket follows.

CUT TO:


MUSICAL MONTAGE
Genres: ["Adventure","Fantasy","Drama","Family"]

Summary Pinocchio runs away to join a carnival, leaving a note for Geppetto. Geppetto discovers the note and, with the help of the Cricket, sets off to find Pinocchio at the carnival.
Strengths "The scene shows Pinocchio's determination to avoid being drafted into the army and the lengths he goes to escape. The portrayal of Geppetto's desperation to find Pinocchio is also a strong point of the scene. "
Weaknesses "The dialogue, while not terrible, could have been better. The scene could also be slightly improved by adding more conflict to it. "

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 10

Plot: 9

Originality: 7

The scene is relatively cliché in terms of its premise but the writer puts a fresh spin on it through engaging dialogue and well-executed pacing. The authenticity of the characters' actions and emotions also adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 7

Internal Goal: 8

Geppetto's internal goal is to find Pinocchio, his son who has run away to the carnival. This reflects his deeper need for love and connection with his son.

External Goal: 9

Geppetto's external goal is to find Pinocchio in the carnival and bring him back home. This goal reflects the immediate challenge he is facing as a father.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 9

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict present in this scene is the conflict between Geppetto's selfishness and his love for his son. The Cricket challenges Geppetto's view of himself and encourages him to be a better father.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents an emotional struggle in a well-paced and well-executed manner. The inclusion of a musical montage also adds to the engagement of the scene.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency while also allowing for emotional moments between the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is well-executed with clear and concise descriptions and well-indicated transitions between locations.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre with a clear set up and resolution of the conflict.


Critique This scene has quite a bit going on, and overall it could benefit from some streamlining and clarity. Here are some notes:

- There's a lot of exclamation points in the dialogue, which can come across as too much and take away from the impact of the words themselves.
- The opening scene description could be more specific - "cold winds blow" is a bit vague, and it would be helpful to know what kind of carnival this is (big or small, rundown or vibrant, etc.).
- Pinocchio's dialogue about working for Count Volpe could use more motivation - why is he willing to work for this person he doesn't know in order to save his father? It's also unclear what kind of work he'd be doing.
- The interaction between Spazzatura and Pinocchio could be clearer - why is Spazzatura jealous, and does it affect the rest of the scene?
- The jump from the carnival to Geppetto's workshop is a bit jarring - it might benefit from a clear transition or smoother segue.
- The Cricket's escape from the glass and subsequent injury feel a bit rushed and hard to follow.
- The shot of Geppetto waking up and discovering Pinocchio's absence is well-done and emotional, but it's not clear why he thinks Pinocchio is at the carnival right away.
- The Cricket's speech to Geppetto feels a bit on-the-nose and could benefit from a more naturalistic tone - it's a lot of exposition to convey in a short amount of time.
- The musical montage at the end feels abrupt - it's not clear why Count Volpe's marionettes are relevant or what kinds of locations Geppetto is visiting.

Overall, there's potential in this scene, but it needs some work to hone its focus and clarify its intentions.
Suggestions - The scene could benefit from more visual description and action. For example, instead of just saying "cold winds blow," show the characters shivering or rubbing their arms for warmth. Also, use more specific details to create a clearer picture of the carnival and the characters' surroundings.

- Instead of having Count Volpe agree to Pinocchio's request too easily and with little resistance, add some tension and conflict to the conversation. This will make it more interesting and realistic.

- The introduction of Spazzatura could be expanded upon to show the audience why he is jealous and what his relationship is with Count Volpe and Pinocchio.

- The montage at the end could benefit from more specific and emotional shots that convey the urgency and importance of Geppetto's search for Pinocchio. Use music and visual cues to heighten the tension and suspense.



Scene 25 - Pinocchio's Journey Continues
EXT. ROAD - DAY

A SWEET VOICE RISES in the soundtrack, Pinocchio singing a
PURE, ITALIAN HYMN!! Music carries over the next scene.

PINOCCHIO
Ciao Papa
Mio Papa
Time has come to say farewell
For how long will I go? Is it far?
No one knows, no one can tell

Geppetto tries to hitch a ride on a country road.

A sign nearby reads ALLESANDRIA - 50km

A truck speeds by, not slowing down.

GEPPETTO
Wait! Wait! Wait!!


INT. COUNT VOLPE’S THEATRE - NIGHT

Pinocchio is on stage, singing to the crowd.

PINOCCHIO
If I am gone for a long, long,
time,
I’ll pack away a fine piece of
shine,
The sound of birds chirping with
bells,
Drawings of plums, two bags of
shells,
The smell of bread, a drop of wine,
Your memory, father of mine.
Farewell
My Papa

CUT TO:
72.


INT. TRUCK - DUSK

Volpe, Pinocchio and Spazz drive to the next town. Pinocchio
looks at a map, tracking their progress.


INT. COUNT VOLPE’S THEATRE - NIGHT

Pinocchio dances around on stage with Columbina.

Spazz looks down at the scene with disdain.

Pinocchio happily signs autographs after the show, while
Volpe collects money from the crowd.

DISSOLVE TO:


EXT: FAIRGROUNDS - MORNING

A coin lies buried in the dirt.

Geppetto reaches down and picks it up, brushing it off.

He looks around at the now empty area. He has just missed the
carnival.

DISSOLVE TO:


EXT. ROAD - DAY

Pinocchio looks out the window and waves to a crowd of fans
below from the caravan.

CUT TO:


EXT. COUNT VOLPE’S THEATRE - NIGHT

Pinocchio on stage singing.

PINOCCHIO
Ciao Papa
Mio Papa
Time has come to say farewell
I am ready to go. Going far.
Now I know it will be swell

Spazz glares at him from behind a curtain. Jealous.

CUT TO:
73.


INT. TRAIN - NIGHT

Geppetto and Cricket ride a train to the next town. Cricket
wipes the fog from the window so he can look out. Geppetto
studies a map, then stares out into the distance as well.

CUT TO:


INT. PUPPET WAGON - DAY

Pinocchio stares wistfully out the window as they travel to
the next town.

Volpe sits drinking his tea. He offers a sort of “cheers” in
Pinocchio’s direction.

PINOCCHIO
I shall be gone for a long, long,
time,
Shall be picking many peaks to
climb
Maybe I’ll see a camel cry.
Dangerous pirates with a black eye
Rain or shine, I’ll keep in my mind
Your memory, father of mine.
Farewell
My Papa


DISSOLVES BETWEEN POINT IN A MAP. SIGNALING THE JOURNEY-
THROUGHOUT THE MONTAGE.

CUTAWAY TO:


EXT. URBAN SETTING - DAY

A city somewhere. A FATHER and SON gaze enthusiastically at a
poster on the wall. Pinocchio and Count Volpe are prominently
featured.

Behind them, Spazz pastes the same poster on a wall with his
tail.

Pinocchio is supposed to be helping him but just gazes sadly
at the father and son instead.

We FADE from the poster image of Pinocchio to:


EXT. URBAN SETTING - NIGHT

Pouring rain.
74.


Geppetto stares at that same poster some time later.

It is now faded and torn, partially covered by new posters.

DISSOLVE TO:


INT. COUNT VOLPE’S THEATRE - NIGHT

Pinocchio, performing. The crowd throws flowers on the stage
as the curtains close.

Volpe stands in the wings, enthralled.

Spazz watches them from the catwalk above. He throws the
cross braces in disgust.

DISSOLVE TO:


EXT. FORREST - DAY

Geppetto trudges along and comes across a pine cone.

He picks it up holding it in his hands.

DISSOLVE TO:


EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - NIGHT

Pinocchio holds a pine cone in his hands.

He sits on the steel girders of a power line tower.

Far off in the distance the faint sound of explosions can be
heard.

CUT TO:
Genres: []

Summary Pinocchio runs away to join a carnival and Geppetto chases after him to bring him back home. Pinocchio continues to perform in many shows and has become a successful performer while Geppetto attempts to catch up to him.
Strengths "-Effective use of montage showcases Pinocchio's journey towards independence and success\n-Strong themes of love and family\n-Nostalgic, sentimental tone"
Weaknesses "-Limited dialogue and character development\n-Low conflict and stakes\n-Limited plot advancement"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While it contains some unique situations and fresh a