What we do in the shadows

Genres: Comedy, Horror, Fantasy

Overview What We Do in the Shadows is a horror-comedy script that follows the lives of Nandor and his vampire roommates as they navigate the challenges of cohabitating and fitting in with modern society. The story revolves around their preparations for the visit of The Baron, a powerful vampire, as he evaluates their progress in conquering the New World. As the vampires face power struggles, prejudice, and conflicts, their loyalty and dedication to each other are tested, leading to unexpected revelations and alliances.

Theme The central themes of the script include power dynamics within the household, prejudice and otherness, loyalty and dedication, and humor and satire.

Characters The main characters include Guillermo, a human familiar to the vampire Nandor, who struggles with his desire to become a vampire; Nandor, a traditionalist vampire who values order and duty; Lazslo, a charming and indulgent vampire with a complicated past; and Nadja, a passionate and impulsive vampire with a tumultuous history and a sense of humanity.

Conflict The main conflict revolves around the power struggles within the vampire household, their struggle to fit in with mortals, and their preparations for The Baron's visit. This conflict escalates as their loyalty and dedication to each other are tested and they face prejudice and otherness from the world around them.

Story Telling The script uses a mix of horror and comedy genres, blending supernatural elements with contemporary humor. It also incorporates elements of satire, with a deadpan and witty dialogue style that adds to the overall tone of the story.

Tone and Style The script has a dark and comedic style, with a dry and deadpan humor that permeates the dialogue. It also incorporates supernatural elements and references to vampire lore, adding to the overall tone of the story.

Setting The story is set in a dilapidated mansion where the vampire roommates cohabitate, as well as various locations in New York City. The settings play an important role in establishing the vampires' struggle to fit into modern society and their interactions with mortals.

Audience The script's intended audience is fans of horror-comedy who enjoy a mix of supernatural elements, satire, and witty dialogue. It appeals to those who appreciate unique storytelling techniques, unconventional narratives, and dark humor.



Note: The ratings are the averages over each scene.
The Percentile is against the screenplays in our library.
Title
Grade
Percentile
Overall8.3  62
Concept 7.9  64
Plot 7.5  16
Characters 8.6  91
Dialogue 8.4 94
Emotional Impact 5.1 2
Conflict Level 6.4 13
At least one Character Changes in the scene 4.2 3
Story Moves Forward 6.8 8
High Stakes 5.7 15
Internal Goal Score 8.1 64
External Goal Score 7.2 31
Originality Score 7.5 90
Engagement Score 8.6 56
Pacing Score 8.3 38
Formatting Score 8.8 10
Structure Score 8.5 67



Genres: Comedy, Horror, Fantasy



Summary A group of vampire roommates prepares for the visit of The Baron, discussing potential power struggles and awkward sexual tension between Nadja and Lazlo. Amidst their preparations and encounters with prejudice from college bros, they also deal with Colin Robinson's interference in their plans and a chance encounter with a man Nadja believes to be her reincarnated lover. During The Baron's visit, they learn of a mission they had forgotten and discuss taking over the New World using Staten Island as their base of operations. Throughout it all, Guillermo struggles to help his vampire master Nandor, who is having trouble getting out of his coffin, and they discuss the importance of their quest.


Screenplay Story Analysis

Story Critique What We Do in the Shadows has a unique take on the vampire genre, using a mockumentary-style and dark humor to tell the story. The characters are well-developed and have distinct personalities that play off each other well. The concept of vampires trying to fit in with the modern world is intriguing, and the theme of prejudice and otherness is well-explored. However, the overall plot feels disjointed at times, with some scenes feeling disconnected from the main story. Additionally, the humor can feel repetitive at times with several scenes relying on the same jokes. Despite these flaws, the show is still entertaining and has a lot of potential to grow in future seasons.

Suggestions: To improve the screenplay, the writers could focus on streamlining the plot and tying together the different storylines. They could also try to introduce more variety in the humor, while still keeping the show's signature dark tone. Exploring the emotional depth of characters beyond their humorous quirks could add some depth to the story. Overall, the series has potential to be a great dark comedy if the writers can continue to improve the storytelling and humor.

Note: This is the overall critique. For scene by scene critique click here



Summary of Scene Level Analysis

Scene Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Interesting depictions of vampires throughout history
  • Well-balanced mix of horror and comedy
  • Strong character personalities
  • Darkly humorous tone and interesting character dynamics
Scene Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot development
  • Limited emotional impact and character development
  • Somewhat slow-moving and lacking significant plot developments
  • The scene lacks a clear central plot point
  • The scene relies heavily on exposition
Suggestions
  • To improve on the weakness of limited emotional impact and character development, try to focus on character-driven conflicts and interactions instead of just logistics and planning. Explore the characters' motivations and feelings more deeply.
  • To address the lack of significant plot developments, consider introducing more conflicts, obstacles, and twists that not only move the plot forward but also challenge the characters and their beliefs.
  • To improve on the weakness of relying heavily on exposition, try to find more creative ways to convey information and backstory, such as through visual cues, actions, or subtext.
  • To address the weakness of lacking a clear central plot point, try to establish a clear main conflict or goal that the characters are striving towards, and make sure that all subplots and scenes are tied to it in some way.
  • To avoid jokes that may be too niche or obscure, consider testing them on a focus group or a diverse audience to see if they resonate and land as intended.

Note: This is the synthesis. See scene by scene analysis here


How scenes compare to the Scripts in our Library

Note: The ratings are the averages of all the scenes.
Title
Grade
Percentile Before After
Dialogue 8.4  93 Suits: 8.3 Good Will Hunting: 8.4
Originality 7.45  88 Fear and loathing in Las Vegas: 7.30 What we do in the shadows: 7.45
Characters 8.6  88 Everything Everywhere All at Once: 8.5 Titanic: 8.6
Structure 8.45  64 Breaking bad, episode 306: 8.43 Scott pilgrim vs. the world: 8.45
Concept 7.9  61 The usual suspects: 7.8 Titanic: 7.9
Internal Goal 8.13  60 Breaking Bad: 8.11 The Wolf of Wall Street: 8.13
Overall 8.3  57 Queens Gambit: 8.2 face/off: 8.3
Engagement 8.64  54 The Wizard of oz: 8.62 Lucifer: 8.64
Pacing 8.27  37 Inglorious Basterds: 8.23 What we do in the shadows: 8.27
External Goal 7.18  29 Mo: 7.14 What we do in the shadows: 7.18
Plot 7.5  13 As good as it gets: 7.4 get out: 7.5
Conflict Level 6.4  12 Easy A: 6.3 Madmen: 6.4
High Stakes 5.7  12 Midnight cowboy: 5.6 Scott pilgrim vs. the world: 5.7
Formatting 8.82  9 The whale: 8.79 What we do in the shadows: 8.82
Story Forward 6.8  6 Boyz n the hood: 6.7 What we do in the shadows: 6.8
Character Changes 4.2  2 Clerks: 3.8 What we do in the shadows: 4.2
Emotional Impact 5.1  1 - Clerks: 5.1



See the full analysis by clicking the title.

1 Return of the Baron "Humorous" 8 9 87 8 386504644 999108
2 Vampire House Meeting "light-hearted" 9 8 77 9 486503664 99798
3 The Arrival of The Baron "Tense, comedic" 8 8 76 9 589709756 87988
4 The Baron's Visit "Humorous and light-hearted" 9 8 88 9 288506764 10991010
5 Preparing for The Baron's Visit "Dark humor" 8 7 78 9 6071009836 89788
6 Preparations for The Baron's Visit "dark humor" 7 7 69 8 289303654 79998
7 LARPing Virgins and Vampire Plans "humorous" 8 9 78 9 405705754 888109
8 Preparations and Encounters "Darkly humorous" 8 7 87 8 587606756 88798
9 Preparing for The Baron's Visit "Humorous" 8 7 85 8 687906846 89989
10 The Baron's Visit "Tense" 9 9 89 8 608909947 89988
11 Anniversary Gift for Guillermo "Humorous" 9 8 88 10 397403445 99889


Scene 1 - Return of the Baron
WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS

RETURN OF THE BARON
December 8, 2017 Rewrite

Written by
Jemaine Clement




Based on the film
What We Do In The Shadows
By Taika Waititi and Jemaine Clement
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

We see Guillermo, a human, standing in an old-fashioned
bedroom next to a coffin. He checks his watch.

GUILLERMO
(softly) It’s nightfall.

A muffled foreign accent comes from the coffin.

NANDOR (O.S)
Guillermo?

GUILLERMO
Yes, sir?

NANDOR (O.S.)
Is that you?
GUILLERMO
Yes, Master.

The coffin lid moves. It’s jammed.

NANDOR (O.S.)
It’s stuck again.

Guillermo goes to assist.

NANDOR (O.S.) (CONT’D)
I think it’s the latch!

GUILLERMO (V.O.)
The job of a vampire’s familiar is
not an easy one.

GUILLERMO
It’s jammed!

Guillermo jiggles the lid of the coffin. It won’t open.

INT. SOLO INTERVIEW WITH GUILLERMO

GUILLERMO
A vampire’s familiar is kind of
like a best friend... who’s also a
slave, kind of?


INT. BEDROOM -- NIGHT
Coffin lid still won’t open. Guillermo is trying to jimmy the
latch with a butter knife.
NANDOR
WWDITS USA v23 Ocotber 8, 2017 2.
You’re not trying to pry it are
you? Don’t pry it. You’ll foul the
mechanism.
Guillermo quickly stops prying and puts the butter knife in
his pocket.


INT. SOLO INTERVIEW WITH GUILLERMO
GUILLERMO
Tomorrow night marks the 20th
anniversary of when I started
working for my master and I’m
pretty sure he’s planning something
special for me. I think tomorrow
will be when he makes me a vampire.


INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
The latch has finally come open.
GUILLERMO
He awakens!
NANDOR elegantly arises from his coffin. Guillermo does a
double thumbs up.

GUILLERMO (CONT’D)
Very cool, master. Super scary.

Nandor stays grinning revealing that he has vampire fangs.

NANDOR
Awaken the others...
GUILLERMO
(reluctantly) Okay.


OPENING CREDITS
We see images of our vampires throughout history. Coffins.
Fangs. The mediums they are depicted show a centuries-long
passage of time. Medieval woodcuts, tapestries, oil
paintings, encyclopedia photos of statues, cubist
paintings, silent film footage, photos from the late 1800s,
1920s, 1960s, 1980s, VHS footage, digital photos from the
early 2000s. Every few images, there’s a quick pop of
something frighteningly grotesque -- less artistic or
cultural vampire depiction, and with more of a crime-scene
photo feel. This is all to the song You’re Dead by Norma
Tanega.
WWDITS December 8, 2017 3.
EXT. MANSION - DUSK
A large, severely dilapidated mansion subtly stands out in a
quiet suburb.


INT. MANSION. LIBRARY - NIGHT
We are in a small library, within the vampire house.

NANDOR
No, we’re going to have a house
meeting!

LAZSLO
Didn’t we just have a house-
meeting in 1981?

NANDOR
That was in 1891, Lazslo.
LAZSLO
Oh, hell!
NANDOR
We’re doing it!


INT. INTERVIEW WITH NANDOR
Interspersed with this seated interview, we see images of
Nandor in various battles, in armor and different garbs.

NANDOR
I have a reputation for being a
very tough kind of vampire.
Oil painting of Nandor in Ottoman clothing. As he speaks we
see illustrations of Nandor in battle.
NANDOR (CONT’D) I used
to be a very ferocious soldier in
the Ottoman Empire. Which meant a
lot of killing, a lot of
pillaging. They’d say have mercy!
Stop pillaging me! No, I’m
pillaging everyone! You included!
I was relentless. They called me
“Nandor the Relentless”. Because I
just never relent.

INT. MANSION. LIBRARY - NIGHT
NANDOR
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 4.
WE ARE HAVING A HOUSE MEETING,
OKAY! HOUSE MEETING!
LAZLSO
All right!

NANDOR
All right! Just think of it as a
fun way of catching up with each
other.

NADJA
This is worse than dying.

NANDOR
Oh. Sorry you feel that way,
Nadja.

NANDOR (O.S. FROM INTERVIEW) (CONT’D)
Co-habitating with other vampires
makes sense for financial reasons.
A lot of vampires spend a lot of
money on castles and fancy capes
then two hundred years later
they’re like - uh oh, now I’m in
an apartment wearing jeans.

NADJA
Begin. Say your boring words.
NANDOR That
doesn’t fill me with
confidence Nadja, but
okay.
Genres: ["Comedy","Horror"]

Summary Guillermo struggles to help his vampire master Nandor out of his coffin, while the vampires prepare for a house meeting in their dilapidated mansion.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Interesting depictions of vampires throughout history
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 8

Originality: 7

This scene is somewhat typical of the vampire genre, but it does have fresh approaches to familiar tropes like making the familiar, Guillermo, a sympathetic character who has aspirations of becoming a vampire himself. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 3

Internal Goal: 8

Guillermo's internal goal in this scene is to become a vampire like his master. It reflects his desire to be accepted and valued by his master and also his fear of not being good enough.

External Goal: 6

Guillermo's external goal in this scene is to open his master's coffin. It reflects the immediate challenge he is facing as his master is unable to free himself from his coffin.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 4

Story Forward: 6

Unpredictability: 4

This scene is somewhat predictable in terms of the tropes of the vampire genre, but the unique characterizations and humor add a fresh twist.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it sets up the characters and the world in an interesting and amusing way.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective because it builds tension through the suspense of whether or not the coffin will open, while also introducing the characters and their motivations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

This scene follows the expected formatting for its genre.

Structure: 8

This scene follows the expected structure for its genre by starting with an establishing shot and then showing a character-focused scene that sets up the narrative.


Critique Overall, the scene is well-written. It sets up the world and characters of the story in a clear and entertaining way. The use of interspersed interviews with the characters adds depth to their personalities and history. The opening credits sequence is engaging and sets a tone for the story.

One potential area for improvement is the pacing of the scene. There are moments where the dialogue feels a bit slow and could benefit from tightening up. Additionally, the description of the visuals could be enhanced to make them more vivid and impactful.

Overall, though, the scene is a strong introduction to the world of the story and the characters within it.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is solid and sets up the characters and their dynamics well. Here are some suggestions to consider:

- Consider tightening up some of the dialogue to make it more concise and impactful. For example, instead of "It’s nightfall," Guillermo could simply say "Night has fallen."
- Consider adding more visual elements to break up the dialogue and give the scene more visual interest. For example, showing close-ups of the jammed latch or a shot of Guillermo's face to convey his frustration.
- Consider adding more humor to the scene to further establish the film's comedic tone. For example, Guillermo could make a sarcastic comment under his breath while struggling with the coffin lid, or Nandor could make a witty remark about his own powers while talking about the upcoming house meeting.
- Consider adding more description to the opening credits sequence to make it feel more exciting and engaging. For example, describe the specific historical eras that the images are depicting or highlight some of the most striking or gruesome visuals (as mentioned in the script).
- Consider adding more conflict or tension to the scene to make it more engaging. For example, maybe Guillermo is actually resentful of his position as a familiar and secretly wants to betray Nandor, or maybe there is a rival vampire group plotting against them and they need to prepare for an upcoming attack.

These are just suggestions, and ultimately, what you choose to do with the scene depends on your creative vision for the film. Good luck with the writing process!



Scene 2 - Vampire House Meeting
INT. INTERVIEW WITH NADJA
She looks like a Gothic queen wearing a HUGE ELIZABETHAN
COLLAR.

NADJA (O.S.)
It is nice staying in a house with
other vampires. The only people I
would speak to when I was in my
castle would be my “victims”,
which was sad. Because I ate them.
Because we had some nice
conversations.
WWDITS December 8, 2017 5.
INT. MANSION. LIBRARY - NIGHT
NANDOR
Before I get to the important
business at hand, a little
housekeeping. We need to discuss
general tidiness. Especially in
the cell.
NADJA
Which cell?

NANDOR
The prison-y cell! Last night I
heard all this shouting coming
from there and there were so many
angry people down there, half-
drunk!

LAZSLO
They had alcohol?

NANDOR
No, they had only been half drunk.
Drink the whole victim before you
start another new one, please.
There were nine people down
there, still kinda alive, all
moaning and complaining. Help
me... Help me...
NADJA
So gross.

NANDOR
It is gross. One guy said he’d had
five birthdays while he’s down in
there.
LAZSLO
Poor guy.

NANDOR
I made him some birthday cards.

NADJA
Should have just killed him.

NANDOR
And then I killed him.

LAZSLO
Oh, then what’s the problem?
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 6.
They hiss at each other, their eyes now glowing red.

INT. INTERVIEW WITH LAZSLO
Lazslo has an even larger ELIZABETHAN COLLAR than Nadja.

LAZSLO
This “house-meeting” - as he calls
it -- seems like just another foul
New World innovation Nandor is
trying to foist upon us. I do not
like it, sir.
We see footage of Lazslo writing in a dusty tome with a quill
pen -- by the light of a single candle. And squinting hard to
do so. In the background, Nandor switches on a table lamp.
Lazslo glares at him, and Nandor switches the lamp off and
backs away apologetically. And Lazslo goes back to squinting
very hard to read by candlelight.

LAZLSO
I suppose I’m kind of a
renaissance man in that I was born
in 1531. I was the most handsome
man in my village--

16th Century painting of Lazslo looking the opposite of that.

NADJA
His village was badly affected by
leprosy and the plague.

LAZSLO
(proudly) It’s true.
We see old drawings and paintings that illustrate Lazslo’s
story.

LAZLSO
One night I was asleep and I heard
a rrrrreeeep.... rrrrreeeppp...
rrrreeeeppp at my window and I
thought, “who’s this at my window?
This is weird” -- because I was on
the third floor and there was a
very beautiful woman outside just
floating there. I saw her and I
was just absolutely hypnotized.

NADJA
I used hypnosis on him.

LAZSLO
WWDITS December 8, 2017 7.
I invited her into my bedroom. She
turned into this hideous bat
creature, I thought, “this one’s
different”. She drained my blood.
Cursed me with the gift of eternal
life, making me a thirsty creature
of the shadows.
We see them in more prosperous times and through the ages.
Eastern European rulers in fine garb.
LAZSLO (CONT’D) Isn’t
she intoxicating? My Nadja,
Queen of the night.

Nadja stares, completely bored.


INT. INTERVIEW WITH NANDOR
NANDOR
We all get along great and the
house meetings will help us keep
the lines of communication open
and working together as a team.
Genres: ["comedy","horror"]

Summary The vampire roommates hold a house meeting to discuss the mess in the prison cell, while also reflecting on their past lives.
Strengths "Humorous dialogue, unique twist on vampire genre"
Weaknesses "Lack of significant plot developments, low emotional impact"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 7

Originality: 7

This scene is relatively original, as it takes a fresh approach to the vampire genre by adding humor and a fresh take on the vampires' lives. The characters are unique, and their quirks make them stand out. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue feel consistent with their vampires' lifestyles and add to the story's authenticity.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 4

Internal Goal: 8

There are three characters in the scene, and each has different internal goals. Nadja wants to add a bit of drama by killing more people, while Lazlo is protesting against Nandor's idea of bringing about 'house-meetings.' Nandor is trying to impose his will to make sure they follow the house rules and keep the lines of communication open. Their internal goals hint at their personality traits, attitudes, and values that will play out throughout the story.

External Goal: 6

The external goal for Nandor is to keep the mansion in order by imposing the housekeeping rules and the meeting. Lazlo dislikes the meeting, and Nadja wants to amplify the 'drama' of their vampiric lifestyle by killing more people.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 3

Story Forward: 6

Unpredictability: 6

The scene is somewhat predictable as it follows the expected genre conventions and archetypes of mockumentaries and vampire films. However, it still surprises the audience with its fresh take on the genre.

Philosophical Conflict: 5

The scene mostly focuses on the vampires' lifestyles and their interactions, with hints of a philosophical conflict. Nandor is trying to impose house rules, which challenge Lazlo's idea of freedom and Nadja's value of drama and intrigue. The conflict demonstrates how the vampires have different goals and agendas, yet are compelled to live together under the same roof.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 9

The scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, unique characters, and absurd situations. The humor keeps the audience engaged in the story.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating comic and absurd situations that keep the audience engaged. The scene moves at a moderate pace, with pauses in between lines that add emphasis to the humor and absurdity of the situation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting follows the expected format for the screenplay genre, with clear scene headings and character names.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for the mockumentary genre. It consists of several interviews with the main characters and cuts to their interactions in the mansion.


Critique Overall, this scene in the style of mockumentary effectively sets up the world and characters of What We Do in the Shadows. The use of interviews and footage give the feeling of a documentary, while the humorous and absurd content shows it is not to be taken seriously.

In terms of structure, the scene has a clear beginning, middle, and end. It starts with an interview with Nadja, which provides exposition about her character and sets up the mansion where the rest of the scene takes place. The middle consists of a meeting about the cleanliness of the mansion and the state of their prisoners, which shows the dysfunction of their living situation. Finally, the scene ends with separate interviews of Lazslo and Nandor, providing further backstory and character development.

The dialogue is witty and sharp, establishing the quirkiness of the characters. The use of jokes about vampire tropes, such as the birthday cards and Lazslo's appearance, add to the comedic tone. The introduction of levity during otherwise gruesome scenarios (such as the prisoners) is a hallmark of the film.

However, as a screenwriting expert, I would recommend tightening up some of the dialogue. A few lines are repetitive, and some could be cut down for a more efficient and impactful script. Overall, though, the scene is successful in introducing the audience to the world of the film and providing comedic moments.
Suggestions - The scene could benefit from more visual elements to break up the dialogue. Perhaps showing the characters doing something while they talk, or cutting to different shots or flashbacks, would make the scene more interesting to watch.
- The dialogue could be tightened up to make it more engaging and concise. Some of the quips and jokes feel forced and could be removed.
- The scene could benefit from a clearer direction or purpose. It's not clear why we are seeing the characters sit for interviews, and what the purpose of the "house meetings" are beyond general tidiness.
- Adding more conflict or tension between the characters could make the scene more dynamic. Right now, they all seem to get along and agree with each other too easily.
- Consider varying the tone or mood of the scene. Right now, it feels very lighthearted and comedic, but adding moments of darkness or suspense could create a nice contrast and keep the audience engaged.



Scene 3 - The Arrival of The Baron
INT. MANSION. LIBRARY - NIGHT
Nandor and Lazslo FLY AT EACH OTHER, FANGS BARED. Lazslo
swipes at Nandor’s face. Nadja calmly watches.

NANDOR
It’s about hygiene, Lazslo!

LAZSLO
It’s about your ego, Nandor!
NANDOR
Hissssss!
LAZSLO
Hccccccccchhh!

NADJA
Why don’t we start writing our
names and dates on the victims
with marker pen!
Suddenly Nandor and Lazslo are normal sliding back into their
chairs like nothing happened.

LAZLSO
Great suggestion.
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 8.
NANDOR
Good idea, Nadja. Marker pens,
Guillermo! And now we come to the
real purpose of this house
meeting. (takes an ominous beat)
Guillermo, close the door.
GUILLERMO
It is closed.
NANDOR
Close it more.
Confused, Guillermo pushes on the door as Nandor takes out a
fancy envelope - sealed with a wax signet and covered in
foreign stamps.
NANDOR (CONT’D) We have
received a letter from The Baron.
Nadja, Lazslo, and Guillermo react. This is a very serious
development.
NANDOR (CONT’D) As we
are all now -- finally -- gathered
as one, in compliance with the
protocols, I will impart The
Baron’s message.

Nandor opens the letter. What he reads stuns him.
NANDOR (CONT’D) The
Baron... is coming to visit us.

A dramatic pause of disbelief. Interrupted by...
GUILLERMO
(softly) Holy crap.

NANDOR
Silence, Guillermo. Vampire
comments only.

Guillermo nods.

NADJA
The Baron’s never left the Old
Country before. Does he say what
is the purpose of his visit?
NANDOR
No.

LAZSLO
When does the great one arrive?
WWDITS December 8, 2017 9.
NANDOR
(skimming letter) Um...
Guillermo... figure this out?
GUILLERMO
(reading) Tomorrow.

Guillermo seems quietly upset. So does Nandor.

NANDOR
Why didn’t you give this to me
earlier?

GUILLERMO
It just arrived this morning.

Nandor angrily shoos Guillermo away with the letter.

LAZSLO
(grandly) Let it never be said
that The Baron does not know how
to make an entrance that will
shock and astonish!
It’s obvious that Lazslo worships The Baron, while Nandor is
less impressed -- and even a bit jealous of The Baron.

NANDOR
Yes, yes. We’re all shocked and
astonished that The Baron has not
yet discovered Federal Express.
Guillermo laughs, but Nadja and Lazslo don’t get the
reference.
NADJA
Federal what?

NANDOR
You know -- Fed Ex. “When It
Absolutely, Positively Has To Be
There Overnight.” Fed Ex. I’m not
sure what it is.

LAZSLO
(suspicious) Have you been
secretly viewing a television box
again?

NANDOR
(covering) No. Of course not. It’s
just contemporary folk tale
Guillermo told me about.
Regardless, there is much work to
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 10.
be done. And precious little time
to do it.


INT. INTERVIEW WITH NANDOR
NANDOR
The Baron is great. As great as
his own legend? (shrugs) Not for
me to say.

Nandor shakes his head to say “No.”


INT. SOLO INTERVIEW WITH LAZSLO
LAZSLO
(makes sure no one is listening)
My suspicion is that The Baron
has gotten wind of how Nandor has
been running things over here.
Straying too often from the old
ways. So this should be
interesting.


INT. SOLO INTERVIEW WITH NADJA
Nadja is speaking quietly, so as not to be overheard.

NADJA
I’m nervous about seeing The Baron
with Lazslo present. The Baron and
I enjoyed a very long, very
intense sexual affair a few
hundred years ago. Very physical,
very animal. A lot of acrobatic
stuff. It could be awkward.


INT. SOLO INTERVIEW WITH LAZSLO

LAZSLO
Many bloodlines flow back to The
Baron! The powers that flow
through our veins are rumored to
be an eternal gift from The Baron
himself.
(MORE)
LAZSLO (CONT'D)
(beat, then quietly) Also, a while
back, The Baron and I enjoyed a
very long, very intense sex
affair. Very animal. Some pretty
WWDITS December 8, 2017 11.
acrobatic stuff. It will be good
to reconnect.
Genres: ["Comedy","Horror"]

Summary The vampire roommates receive a letter from The Baron and learn he is coming to visit them. They discuss the potential implications of The Baron's visit, including potential power struggles and awkward sexual tension between Nadja and Lazlo.
Strengths "The tension between characters and the reveal of The Baron's arrival creates intrigue and sets up stakes for the rest of the season. The use of humor adds a layer of irony to the dark theme. The character dynamics are established well."
Weaknesses "Some of the jokes may be too niche or obscure and the use of interview footage towards the end may feel a bit gimmicky to some viewers."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 7

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. There are no unique situations, but the writer's voice adds a fresh perspective to the familiar trope of vampire culture.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 5

Internal Goal: 8

Nandor’s internal goal is to maintain control and appear powerful in front of his fellow vampires. He is also slightly jealous of The Baron and wants to prove himself to be as good as him.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to prepare for The Baron's impending visit. This means getting things in order and ensuring everything runs smoothly.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 9

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 5

This scene is slightly predictable because it follows the genre tropes closely.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it sets up a compelling conflict and has interesting, complex characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building suspense and keeping the viewer engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre.


Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging. The dialogue feels authentic and reveals character traits for each of the vampires. Nadja’s suggestion to write on victims with marker pens is a good example of the macabre humor that runs throughout this show. The reveal of the impending visit from The Baron creates a sense of tension and sets up what is likely to be the main conflict of the episode.

If I were to offer some constructive criticism, I would say that the action of Nandor and Lazslo flying at each other feels a bit abrupt and unearned. Given the situation and their personalities, it doesn’t quite seem like something they would do. It might be more effective to build up to this moment with some other exchanges that further demonstrate their tension.

Additionally, while the solo interview segments with each of the vampires provide some interesting insights and add depth to the characters, they could benefit from some more specific details or anecdotes to make them feel more fully realized. For example, while Nadja’s backstory with The Baron is intriguing, it might be more compelling if we had some more specific details about their relationship or situations they’ve been in together.

Overall, though, this is a strong scene that effectively sets up the main conflict of the episode and reveals important character details and dynamics.
Suggestions Some suggestions to improve this scene could be:

1. Increase the physicality of the fight between Nandor and Lazslo to make it more engaging for the viewers.

2. Make Nadja's suggestion to write names and dates on victims with marker pen more gruesome to show the true nature of the characters.

3. Develop the conflict between Nandor and Lazslo further to create more tension throughout the scene.

4. Show the reactions of the characters in a more dynamic way to emphasize the seriousness of The Baron's visit.

5. Make the connection between Nadja and The Baron more clear and impactful. This will create a more interesting and complex dynamic between the characters.

6. Utilize the solo interviews with the characters to delve deeper into their individual reactions and thoughts about The Baron's visit. This will give the audience a better understanding of each character and their motivations.

7. Introduce more humor into the scene to break up the tension and keep the audience engaged.



Scene 4 - The Baron's Visit
INT. MANSION. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
Nadja rejoins Nandor, Lazslo, and Guillermo, who are
gathered around the table. Nandor is looking at the planning
notes he’s written on an eighty-year old yellow legal pad.

NANDOR
So... Guillermo will transport The
Baron from his point of
debarkation to here--

LAZSLO
On a velvet-lined caisson drawn by
four black horses!

NANDOR
Yeahhhhh... I know that’s the
tradition, but let’s be realistic.
So perhaps just two black horses?
Guillermo? Do-able?

GUILLERMO
Not on such short notice, Master.

They all sit and think.
NANDOR
A dark camel?
GUILLERMO
Maybe a taxi?
NADJA
A black taxi.

Lazslo nods his head.

NANDOR
Okay, great. Now, as for The
Baron’s bloodfeast...

NADJA
We should get a couple of virgins.
LAZLSO
Lovely!
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 12.


NANDOR
Guillermo, two virgins by tomorrow
night?

GUILLERMO
Of course, master.

LAZSLO
We shall feast on virgin blood!

The vampires laugh. Guillermo does his best to join in.

NANDOR
Vampire-only laughing.

Guillermo hangs his head.

LAZSLO
Are we inviting Colin as well?

NADJA
That would ruin the evening.

A very ordinary looking man, mopey even, stands at the


COLIN ROBINSON
What’s ruining the evening?

NANDOR
(to Guillermo)
I knew you didn’t close the door.

COLIN ROBINSON
Are we having another house
meeting?

INT. INTERVIEW WITH COLIN ROBINSON

COLIN ROBINSON
Hello, my name is Colin Robinson
and I’m what’s called a psychic
vampire or “energy vampire”.

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Colin has someone trapped in a corner of an office.
COLIN ROBINSON (V.O.)
Energy vampires drain people’s
energy merely by talking to them.
(MORE)
doorway.
WWDITS December 8, 2017 13.
COLIN ROBINSON (V.O.) (CONT'D)
In fact you probably know an
energy vampire. We’re the most
common kind of vampire.
Colin’s office mate loses color before our eyes. Colin looks
energized. His eyes glow for a brief moment.
COLIN ROBINSON I just
drained Joan’s energy just by
having a long chat.


INT. INTERVIEW WITH COLIN ROBINSON
COLIN ROBINSON It’s
actually cooler to be an energy
vampire. We are “daywalkers”,
we’re not harmed by the sun. We
don’t need to drink blood and
we’re the only vampires that can
suck energy from other vampires!


INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
COLIN ROBINSON
So, we’re not having a
house meeting?
The other vampires, their energy drained, just shake their
heads.
COLIN ROBINSON (CONT’D)
Oh.

Colin lingers creepily, and leaves the room way too slowly.
NADJA
Phew.

LAZSLO
(exhausted) His power grows
stronger every day.


EXT. LANE - NIGHT

Lazslo and Nadja in matching outfits are out for a walk.

INT. INTERVIEW WITH NADJA AND LAZSLO
NADJA
We left Europe about two hundred
years ago because there was a lot
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 14.
of prejudice against vampires in
Europe at that time.
Era-appropriate illustration of people with flaming torches.
And a brief flash of a decapitated vampire head on a pike.

LAZSLO
They didn’t like the color of our
skin.

NADJA
Or how we killed and ate people.


EXT. PARK - NIGHT
NADJA (V.O.) We must
be careful when walking
amongst the living so we do
our best to blend in.
Nadja and Lazslo do not blend in. They look like the most
intense goth couple you’ve ever seen. They eye human prey.
NADJA
They look nice.

LAZSLO
No, he looks fatty and drunk.

NADJA
Keep your voice down. We must seem
as mortals lest we be driven from
this land as well.

A couple of COLLEGE BROS walk over the bridge.
COLLEGE BRO 1
Go back to your own country!

LAZSLO
We’ve been here since 1862, fatty!
The College Bros look confused. Lazslo waves his hands
hypnotically.

LAZSLO (CONT’D)
I mean... our family has... fatty.

The College Bros lose all memory of the interaction they’ve
just had and walk onward. Watching them go...

NADJA
WWDITS December 8, 2017 15.
It’s getting early. Let’s just
make an apertif of these two and
save our appetites for the virgins
tomorrow.

LAZSLO
Fine. But you get the fatty.
Genres: ["Comedy","Horror"]

Summary The vampire roommates plan for The Baron's visit, including the transportation and blood feast arrangements. Colin Robinson, the energy vampire, interrupts their meeting and drains their energy before leaving the room slowly. Nadja and Lazlo go for a walk and encounter prejudice from some college bros.
Strengths "The scene uses humor effectively to explore the themes. It introduces a new character and sheds more light on the vampire roommates."
Weaknesses "The scene is mainly focused on planning and discussing logistics, which may be boring for some viewers. The prejudice encountered by Nadja and Lazlo is not explored in depth."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 8

Originality: 8

This scene is fairly original in its approach to the vampire genre, particularly in its blending of traditional vampire lore with contemporary humor and social commentary. The characters feel authentic and their dialogue moves the story forward in a meaningful way.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 2

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that they want to successfully plan their bloodfeast and keep their vampire tradition alive.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to plan and execute a successful bloodfeast for The Baron. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing as they need to secure the necessary resources for the event on short notice.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 6

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 6

While some elements of this scene are predictable (e.g. the planning of a traditional bloodfeast), the writer's unique voice and unexpected humor add freshness to the genre and keep the scene from feeling too predictable.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is not a clear philosophical conflict evident in this scene, but there are underlying themes of tradition, prejudice, and the struggle to maintain a cultural identity in a changing world that challenge the protagonist's beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

Dialogue: 10

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its witty humor, relatable characters, and fast-paced banter. The storytelling is effective at keeping the audience invested in the characters and their goals.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of this scene is effective at conveying the urgency of the characters' goals while also allowing for moments of comedic relief and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear and concise action lines and dialogue.

Structure: 10

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre and flows seamlessly from one moment to the next.


Critique The scene is well written and has good pacing, humor and character development. The dialogue between the vampires and Guillermo is entertaining and the introduction of Colin Robinson as a psychic vampire adds an interesting element to the story. However, some of the jokes around his character could hit too close to home for some viewers. Some parts of the scene could benefit from a clearer action line to provide more visual description for the audience. Overall, the scene sets up the upcoming story elements in an engaging and amusing way, and effectively establishes the characters’ personalities and dynamics.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to have more action in the scene instead of just dialogue. For example, showing Guillermo trying to figure out transportation options or the vampires actually hunting for victims in the park. This would add more visual interest and keep the audience engaged. Another suggestion would be to add more tension or conflict to the scene, such as the possibility of the vampires being discovered or running into obstacles in their preparations. This would create more suspense and make the scene more memorable.



Scene 5 - Preparing for The Baron's Visit
EXT. PARK - NIGHT
The College Bros walk in the park. Lazslo and Nadja are now
magically in front of them. The Bros pause... turn the other
way, the camera follows them. Out of nowhere Nadja and Lazslo
now magically block them from the other direction.
COLLEGE BRO
Ahhhhh!
Nadja and Lazslo fly at them and pull the into the air.
Geysers of blood, horrific screams, and the crunch of
chomped cartilage. Then silence. A blood-soaked red
baseball cap lies in the gutter, while Nadja and Lazslo wipe
blood from their faces.

LAZSLO
Not bad! And now, shall we explore
each other’s bodies in a frenzy of
carnal passion, yes?

NADJA
All right, but not here, by the
public toilet. And you got some on
your face.
LAZSLO
Oh.
From the front we see half of Lazslo’s face is completely
covered in blood.
LAZSLO (CONT’D)
Is it gone?

He ineffectually wipes his face but it’s still very bloody.

NADJA
Still some there.

LAZSLO
I’ll fly home and wash... and
prepare for lovemaking.

Nadja has seen something in the distance.
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 16.
NADJA
(distracted)
Yeah, okay. I’m going to walk.

LAZSLO
Well, you know how I feel about
walking. If I can turn into a bat,
I won’t do it! BAT!
Lazslo clicks his thumbs and turns into a bat, flies, crashes
into a pole, corrects himself and successfully flies away.
Nadja peers from behind a tree at a A MAN sitting on a bench
reading from his phone.

NADJA
(to herself)
Can it be?
THE MAN gets up and walks away. Nadja glides silently behind
him.


INT. NANDOR’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Guillermo is helping Nandor out of his ornate waking-hours
vestments, and hanging them carefully on a museum-quality
tailor’s dummy.

NANDOR
Careful with my vestments,
Guillermo! A light touch is
crucial...
GUILLERMO
I know, sir.

NANDOR
The gold in that brocade came from
the personal--

GUILLERMO NANDOR (CONT'D)
...the personal treasury of ...the personal treasury of Vlad
The Impaler, I know. Vlad The Impaler himself!

NANDOR (CONT’D)
The Baron will probably still be
on Old World time, so his slumber
cycle might be all messed-up.
GUILLERMO
Yes, sir.

NANDOR
WWDITS December 8, 2017 17.
We don’t want him waking up in day
time and being barbecue meats.


INT. INTERVIEW WITH GUILLERMO
GUILLERMO (V.O.)
In some ways I’m disappointed that
The Baron is arriving on my
anniversary of being a familiar
but how often do you get to see an
ancient vampire?
Along with Guillermo’s interview we see him perform tasks.
Sometimes with Nandor. Opening curtains, sweeping, washing
out blood-stains, hanging Nandor’s vestments carefully on a
tailor’s dummy, adjusting the antennas on the tiny 1970s
television that Nandor does indeed secretly watch, boarding
up windows.

NANDOR
And also, block all of the
upstairs windows. Huge sunlight
risk.

Back to the interview.

GUILLERMO
When I saw Antonio Banderas as
‘Armand’ in Interview with a
Vampire. 1994. I was blown away.
He was the first Hispanic vampire
I was exposed to and it was then I
decided I wanted to be a vampire.
We see Guillermo in a photo from 20 years ago in an
illfitting vampire costume. He makes an unconvincing Antonio
Banderas but we know what he is going for.


EXT. MANSION. NIGHT

Guillermo opens the door for Nandor.

NANDOR
It seems an eternity since I
ventured out of doors. How long
has it been, Guillermo?

GUILLERMO
Not since I’ve known you.
Nandor floats out the front door. Guillermo closes it.
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 18.
NANDOR
My cape is caught in the door!
Guillermo, can you free my cape?
Maybe I should just wear my short
cape.

Guillermo fusses with the door.
NANDOR (CONT’D) Is
the brocade okay? How’s the
brocade looking?

GUILLERMO
Intricate and undamaged, Master.

NANDOR
Good. Now, take me to the nearest
purveyor of decorative supplies
for revelry and debauchery!
Genres: ["Comedy","Horror"]

Summary The vampire roommates plan for The Baron's visit while dealing with a potential power struggle and awkward sexual tension. Colin Robinson drains their energy, and Nadja and Lazlo encounter prejudice from college bros while hunting.
Strengths "Strong character personalities. Well-balanced mix of horror and comedy."
Weaknesses "Limited emotional impact and character development."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 7

Originality: 8

The scene is relatively original in its depiction of vampires as bumbling, inept characters who struggle with mundane tasks. The dialogue and action are fresh and subvert expectations of how vampires should behave.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 0

None of the characters have clear, defined internal goals in this scene.

External Goal: 7

Nadja and Lazslo are hunting and killing humans in the park. Later, Nandor prepares for the arrival of The Baron.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 9

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 3

The scene is unpredictable because it subverts expectations of how vampires should behave. However, the overall narrative arc is relatively formulaic.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

None of the characters have any clear philosophical conflicts in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 9

The scene is engaging because it blends horror and comedy in unexpected ways. The characters are quirky and likable, and the action is suspenseful and surprising.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and humor. The transitions between locations are skillfully executed.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting follows the expected conventions of a screenplay and effectively communicates the action and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene is well-paced and surprising. The transitions between locations are smooth and the action is easy to follow.


Critique Overall, the scene seems to be trying to mix horror and comedy, but the execution falls flat. The sudden violence with the College Bros feels gratuitous and the transition to the comedic dialogue between Nadja and Lazslo feels jarring. The dialogue itself is also not particularly witty or clever. The scene with Guillermo preparing Nandor for the arrival of The Baron is more successful, as it establishes the characters and their dynamic, but even here the dialogue could use some polishing to make it more engaging. Overall, the scene needs more thought put into how the horror and comedy elements can effectively complement each other and move the story forward in a meaningful way.
Suggestions - The scene starts abruptly without any establishing shot or context. Adding a bit of setup, like showing the Bros walking peacefully before Nadja and Lazslo magically appear, could give the scene more tension and surprise.
- The violence and bloodshed could be toned down for a wider audience. Instead of showing geysers of blood and crunching cartilage, the scene could use suggestion and off-screen sounds to convey the horror.
- The transition from violence to humor and sexual innuendo feels too sudden and jarring. Some pacing and tonal adjustments could make the scene flow more smoothly.
- The subplots of Guillermo preparing for the arrival of The Baron and his fascination with vampires could better integrate with the main scene. Perhaps a mention or a brief glimpse of The Baron or other vampires could tie everything together.



Scene 6 - Preparations for The Baron's Visit
INT. STATIONERY STORE - NIGHT
Nandor is examining a roll of black crepe paper from the
shelf -- fascinated -- having never seen such a thing
before.

NANDOR
So deliciously macabre. What is it
called again?
GUILLERMO
Crepe paper.

NANDOR
Exquisite. Also, get me some of
that colorful dust that sparkles.
GUILLERMO
Glitter?

NANDOR
Yes. Get me some... “glitter”.
Every color.

GUILLERMO
What for, master?

NANDOR
I want to do something special for
The Baron’s arrival so I’m going
to sprinkle some on my face and my
body. Very... (sotto) Twilight.
WWDITS December 8, 2017 19.
GUILLERMO
Ugh. Wow. But okay. What’s the
crepe paper for?

NANDOR
For The Baron’s bloodfeast.
(explaining) In the Old Country,
we’d weave a canopy out of the
flayed human skin. But I think
that’s because we didn’t have
crepe paper.

GUILLERMO
You want I should ask up front if
they have anything that looks more
like the flayed skin?

NANDOR
No, Guillermo. Thank you.


INT. INTERVIEW WITH NANDOR
NANDOR
Guillermo is my familiar but
sometimes he’s a lil too
“familiar”, know what I mean? He’s
always hanging around me. He works
hard but, he’s not great at it. I
don’t like to say this kind of
thing in front of him, of course.
WIDEN TO REVEAL: Guillermo is actually sitting right next to
Nandor.
NANDOR (CONT’D)
Sorry Guillermo. I didn’t
like saying that in front of
you.
GUILLERMO
That’s okay, sir.

NANDOR
Can you see how he’s just always
around me? Look at him.
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 20.


INT. STATIONERY STORE - NIGHT

Guillermo peruses the store. He sees something. He approaches


GUILLERMO
Master. Check it out. So macabre!

Guillermo holds up one of those cardboard skeleton
decorations one uses for kids’ birthday parties. Nandor sighs
wearily then waves his hand -- and the cardboard skeleton
cutout bursts into flames in Guillermo’s hands. Guillermo
drops it and stamps it out. Guillermo walks away crestfallen.

AT THE CASH REGISTER
STORE OWNER
And that’ll be 79.85. Cash or
credit?

GUILLERMO
Credit card.

NANDOR
You can’t pay with that, throw him
a metal coin.

Nandor throws a coin at the store owner.

STORE OWNER
That’s 25 cents sir.

NANDOR
Enjoy it!

STORE OWNER
It’s not enough.

NANDOR
Stab this man.



GUILLERMO
Just credit card.

NANDOR
You kind of disobeyed me just now.
And I’m noting it. It’s because I
didn’t like the skeleton, isn’t it.




Nandor..
WWDITS December 8, 2017 21.
A pause.

EXT./INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
We see from a long lens Nadja floating outside of the window
of the Man from the park. The Man flops onto his bed. Kicks
off one shoe. Half pulls down his pants. It’s a sad sight.
NADJA
It’s him.
The Man clumsily turns off his light. It’s dark now. Nadja
tries to peer in. She sees nothing. Suddenly, his face is lit
up by his phone screen. By his expression he seems to be
masturbating. Nadja holds up a 1940s flash bulb camera and
takes a photo with the bright flash. Suddenly the lamp turns
on... the Man runs to the window holding his pants up. No one
is there. The Man looks through his now open window. A trash
can falls over. He puts his head out. The window comes down
and nearly takes off his head.


EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Overburdened with decorations, Guillermo tries to bring up
his anniversary.

GUILLERMO
Can you tell me about when you
became a vampire, Master? How long
did you wait?

NANDOR
Not that long. Hey, any progress
on those virgins yet?

GUILLERMO
I know an awesome place to find
virgins.
Genres: ["horror","comedy"]

Summary The vampire roommates prepare for The Baron's visit, discussing transportation and the blood feast. Nandor shops for decorations and Guillermo tries to bring up his anniversary. Nadja takes a photo of a man masturbating and Lazlo and Nadja encounter prejudice from college bros while hunting.
Strengths "The witty and dark humor of the scene stood out as a strength, as well as the continuation of the potential power struggle and tension between Nadja and Lazlo."
Weaknesses "The scene lacked a strong sense of conflict and emotional impact, and some of the dialogue felt forced or overly expositional."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 6

Originality: 9

The scene is highly original in its blending of supernatural and everyday elements, as well as its deadpan humor and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 2

Internal Goal: 8

Nandor's internal goal is to impress The Baron with his preparations for his arrival, and to maintain his status as a powerful vampire leader.

External Goal: 9

Nandor's external goal is to purchase supplies for The Baron's arrival banquet and to find virgins for their bloodfeast.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 3

Story Forward: 6

Unpredictability: 5

The scene's twist ending is somewhat unpredictable, but some of the dialogue and character actions are predictable.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a power dynamic between Nandor and Guillermo, with Guillermo serving Nandor as his familiar. This dynamic raises questions of loyalty, trust, and respect.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 9

The scene is engaging due to its humorous dialogue and unique blend of supernatural and everyday elements.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and humor, with quick back-and-forth dialogue and escalating conflicts.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows standard industry practices.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure and pacing, with a clear set-up of the location and situation, followed by character interactions and conflict, and concluding with a twist revelation.


Critique This scene is well-written, with good dialogue and clear characterizations. It effectively establishes the strange and macabre world of the show while showing the dynamics between Nandor and Guillermo. The dialogue is witty and balanced, with the characters bouncing lines back and forth.

However, there are some areas for improvement. The scene feels a bit disconnected and lacks a clear purpose or conflict. Additionally, there is a lack of action or movement, making it feel static. It would benefit from some more movement or tension to keep audiences engaged.

Overall, while the scene is enjoyable, it could use some more narrative drive to keep audiences interested.
Suggestions Overall, the scene seems to lack focus and purpose. Here are some suggestions for improvement:

- First, it's unclear why Nandor is in a stationery store and what he's trying to accomplish there. Perhaps there could be a clearer objective, such as finding materials for the upcoming bloodfeast.
- The dialogue between Nandor and Guillermo feels a bit random and disjointed. There could be more of a narrative thread tying the conversation together.
- The moment where Guillermo shows Nandor the cardboard skeleton decoration doesn't lead anywhere. It might be better to cut this moment or have it tie into a larger plot point.
- The scene where Nadja spies on the Man and takes a photo of him masturbating feels disconnected from the rest of the scene. Perhaps it could be integrated into a larger plot point or cut entirely.
- The conversation between Nandor and Guillermo about finding virgins at the end of the scene feels abrupt and out of left field. It might be better to introduce this plot point earlier in the script and build up to it.

Overall, it would be helpful to establish clearer objectives and plot points in this scene to keep the action moving and the audience engaged.



Scene 7 - LARPing Virgins and Vampire Plans
INT. COLLEGE CAMPUS FUNCTION ROOM - NIGHT
A modest Live Action Role-Play group are dressed in their
idea of fantasy clothes - e.g. Someone might wear a
feathered hat, a cape and Fila shoes. The uncoolest thing
you have ever seen. The LARP group playing out a scene.
Larper Girl throws some dice.

LARP GIRL
Nine - Confrontation!

JENNA
This ale is poisoned, peasant!
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 22.
JONATHAN
How dare you make that false
accusation sir! I have poisoned
not your ale, wench!

The other Larpers mock outrage at the language.

JENNA
Didst thou callest me wench,
troll?

Guillermo speaks quietly to cam.
GUILLERMO (T.C.) These
Live Action Role-Playing groups
have a very high ratio of adult
virgins. It’s harder to find
someone who isn’t a virgin here.
ANGLE ON: Jonathan and Larper 2 are gingerly fighting with
wooden swords. The other LARPERS ARE AMUSED. They laugh and
cheer.
GUILLERMO (T.C) (CONT’D)
Look at them dressed as elves or
some shit.


INT. INTERVIEW WITH NADJA
NADJA
In the old country, centuries ago,
I was in a very passionate love
with a human man called Gregor. He
was a knight, he wore armor, he
was very cool. He was decapitated
in a battle and it was sad. But I
never really got over Gregor. Even
when I met Lazslo.
Lazslo floats past the doorway, struggling with a boot. An
older woman (Lazslo and Nadja’s silent familiar JUNE) follows
him patiently, trying to help.

LAZSLO
You will go on my foot, boot!

Nadja waits to make sure Lazslo is gone.

NADJA
The man I saw tonight -- I think
it was him.
WWDITS December 8, 2017 23.
We see a beautiful baroque painting of a man in armor
recoiling from a sword with an anguished face. It certainly
seems to be the same man although a lot cooler.

NADJA (CONT’D)
I think he is the reincarnation of
my ex-boyfriend, Gregor.
We are now closer on the face of the painting. This is
crossfaded with the photo Nadja took of the man caught
masturbating. It’s the same face with the exact same
expression. Back to Nadja looking concerned.

LAZSLO
Why doesn’t foot rhyme with boot?
Foot. Boot. Fooooot. Booooot. Ah!
I did it! I’m going to write you a
poem darling!


INT. COLLEGE CAMPUS FUNCTION ROOM - NIGHT
In the distance Guillermo is showing Jonathan and Jenna
photos on his phone.

GUILLERMO
Check this shit out.
JENNA
Woah.

GUILLERMO
We got swords, we got crossbows,
we got all kinds of medieval shit.
Come tomorrow night, 9pm. Don’t be
early.
Guillermo gives the thumbs up to the camera. Mouths
“virgins”.


INT. MANSION - WESTERN WING - NIGHT
Nandor is leading Nadja and Lazslo through a dark, dusty
hallway.

NADJA
I’ve never been in this part of
the house.
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 24.


NANDOR
No one has for 80 years. I’ve
preserved these chambers unsullied
that we might have an appropriate
location for a ceremonial
bloodfeast, should The Baron ever
visit.

Some bats fly out a doorway.

LAZLSO
(to camera)
Those are just some vampire buddies
of mine.

NADJA
They are just normal bats.

LAZLSO
That’s Jeremy and Carol!

NADJA
No vampire would be called Jeremy.

NANDOR
Another plus? If we have The
Baron’s ceremony here, you-know-who
won’t even need to know. I mean
Colin.
Nandor opens an old door.
Genres: ["comedy","fantasy","horror"]

Summary The scene jumps between a Live Action Role-Play group and the vampire roommates preparing for The Baron's visit. In the LARP group, a confrontation takes place while Guillermo comments on the group's high virgin ratio. Meanwhile, the vampire roommates plan for The Baron's ceremonial bloodfeast and discuss Colin Robinson's potential interference.
Strengths "The scene's strengths lie in its humorous and unexpected commentary on LARPing culture, as well as the further development of the vampire roommates' conflicts."
Weaknesses "The scene does not have significant emotional impact and the Baron's visit is not explored in depth."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 7

Originality: 8

While the themes of fantasy and horror are not new, the writer's unique voice and humor make this scene feel fresh and original. The characters' actions and dialogue are also authentic and add to the humor.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 4

Internal Goal: 0

There are multiple characters in this scene and it is difficult to discern a clear internal goal for any one of them.

External Goal: 5

Nadja is trying to figure out if the man she saw that night was her ex-boyfriend and Lazlo is struggling to put on a boot.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 5

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 5

While some elements of the scene are predictable, such as Nadja's obsession with her ex-boyfriend, other elements such as Lazlo's struggle with his boot add an unexpected twist.

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 4

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the mix of humor and horror, as well as the relatable characters and their unique dialogue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively transitions between different settings and character interactions, keeping the audience engaged while also allowing for comedic moments.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, including proper scene headings and character dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre and effectively transitions between different settings and character interactions.


Critique Overall, the scene is well-written with clear direction and dialogue. However, as a screenwriting expert, I would offer the following critiques:

1. The scene could benefit from a clearer sense of purpose. While it is entertaining to see the LARP group and Nadja's flashback, it is not clear how these scenes advance the overall plot.

2. The dialogue between the LARP group feels a bit forced and unnatural. It may benefit from more nuance and character development.

3. The camera directions and descriptions could be simplified and streamlined to avoid crowding the page with unnecessary information.

4. More attention could be given to visual elements, such as lighting or set design, to enhance the mood and atmosphere of the scenes.
Suggestions Suggested improvements:

1. Add more visual and sensory details to the scene to bring out its humor and absurdity. For example, describe the nerdy costumes and props in more detail, such as the wooden swords and the dice.

2. Use more dramatic tension and conflict to drive the scene forward. Instead of just having the Larpers play out a scene, create more stakes and obstacles for the characters to overcome.

3. Develop the characters' personalities and motivations more fully. For example, explore why Jenna accuses Jonathan of poisoning her ale and what their history is together. Also, show why Guillermo is so fascinated by LARPing and why he is mocking the other characters.

4. Introduce some surprises or plot twists to keep the audience engaged. For example, reveal that Nadja's ex-boyfriend might be the same person caught masturbating earlier in the film, or create a conflict between Nandor and Colin over the use of the mansion for a bloodfeast.

5. Strengthen the dialogue and humor in the scene. For example, use more irony or satire to poke fun at the LARPers, or create some witty banter between Lazslo and Nadja.



Scene 8 - Preparations and Encounters
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

It is a normal, brightly lit bedroom. Colin’s in there.
COLIN ROBINSON
Ever heard of knocking?

NANDOR
Colin? What are you doing in here?

COLIN ROBINSON
This is my bedroom.

LAZSLO
Oh.

COLIN ROBINSON
How can I help you?
WWDITS December 8, 2017 25.


NADJA
We are just saying hi.
(pause)
Hi.

COLIN ROBINSON
I’ve never had someone visit me
before.

NADJA
Okay, good to see you! Bye!

COLIN ROBINSON
Hey, what’s happening tomorrow
night?
NANDOR
Nothing.

LAZSLO
Not having virgins for dinner!!

Colin looks disappointed. He knows. Nandor, Nadja, and Lazslo
head back the way they came.

NANDOR
(quietly) There’s another unsullied
chamber down in the basement.

LAZSLO
The Baron is accustomed to the
grandest blood-halls and abattoirs!
Our junk room is not fit for him!

NANDOR
We can move the Stairmaster out of
there.

LAZSLO
Good idea. Never understood its
supposed use anyway.

NANDOR
It’s said to improve fortitude and
stamina.

LAZSLO
Didn’t even work as a torture
device. Just made our victims very
skinny, very slowly.
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 26.
EXT. DOCKS - DAWN
Guillermo signs a bill of landing on a clipboard, as a large
wooden crate is off-loading from a ship. An ancient, silent,
odd-looking man -- THE BARON’S FAMILIAR -- stands nearby.


EXT. MANSION - MORNING
Guillermo supervises as THREE REGULAR GUYS unload the crate
from a battered BLACK VAN that has MOISHE’S MOVERS on the
side and carry it into the house. The Baron’s Familiar keeps
one hand reverently on the top of The Baron’s coffin.


INT. MANSION. BASEMENT
As The Baron’s Familiar looks on, Guillermo uses a crowbar to
pry open the wooden crate, revealing a beautiful, ancient
coffin with intricate carvings on it.


INT. INTERVIEW WITH NADJA
As Nadja talks about Gregor we see different versions of him
through history. Some with her alongside him.

NADJA
Gregor was reincarnated again as a
Persian street thief, he was
caught and they beheaded him “to
teach him a lesson” and it did
stop him to be honest. Then many
decades later he returned as a
beautiful Slovenian washerman. We
did manage to fool around a couple
of times but apparently she got
her head chopped off in a toilet
cleaning accident, don’t ask me
how. Weird. A lot of beheadings. I
just noticed.


EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DUSK
Nadja stands in the long shadows of late dusk. Every part of
her body is covered, protectively, including a black hat with
a dark veil. But still, we can see that she is physically
weakened, and has taken a great risk to come out before it’s
completely dark. The Man leaves his building. As he passes...
NADJA
Man? Human man?

He doesn’t turn.
WWDITS December 8, 2017 27.


NADJA (CONT’D)
Gregor!



NADJA (CONT’D)
It is you.

MAN
What did you say?

NADJA
Gregor, the centuries have not
changed you.

MAN
Oh. My name’s Jeff.

NADJA
Jeff...

JEFF
Oh wait... I remember you.

NADJA
From a past life long ago.

JEFF
Ah... From the park last night?
NADJA
Gregor.

JEFF
No, Jeff.
NADJA
Gregor De’Lavoir.

JEFF
No, Jeff Leibenstein. But... you
know what’s weird?

NADJA
What is weird Gr.. Jeff
Leibenstein?

JEFF
When I was in 12th grade I used to
wish my name was Greg.
NADJA
As in Gregor.

He turns.
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 28.
JEFF
As in Greg.
NADJA
Wow.
Genres: ["Horror","Comedy"]

Summary The vampire roommates prepare for The Baron's visit while encountering prejudice from college bros. Colin Robinson drains their energy. Nadja has a chance encounter with a man she believes to be her reincarnated lover, Gregor.
Strengths "Darkly humorous tone, interesting character dynamics, and a mix of creature feature and mockumentary style storytelling."
Weaknesses "Somewhat slow-moving and lacking significant plot developments."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 7

This scene is fairly original in that it subverts the traditional portrayals of vampires. The characters are civilized and polite, rather than animalistic and violent. Colin Robinson, in particular, is a fresh take on the energy vampire archetype. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and contribute to the story's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 5

Internal Goal: 8

Colin Robinson's internal goal is to fit in and be accepted by the other vampires who consider themselves to be of higher status. His tone is polite, yet submissive.

External Goal: 7

Colin Robinson's external goal in this scene is to gather information about the vampires' plans for the next night. He is disappointed to learn that they will not be having virgins for dinner.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 6

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 5

While the genre tropes are familiar, the structure of the scene and the dialogue are unconventional and subvert traditional expectations.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The conflict in this scene is the juxtaposition between the mundane and the monstrous. Colin Robinson's character is an energy vampire who feeds off the energy of others, but he presents himself as a meek and unassuming individual who just happens to be a vampire. This conflict challenges traditional notions of what it means to be a vampire, where the typical vampire is violent and predatory.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it develops character relationships and reveals new information about the supernatural world inhabited by the characters. The dialogue is witty and ironic, keeping the scene from becoming overly serious.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene is well-crafted, allowing for pauses and beats that emphasize the humor and irony in the dialogue. The scene builds to a comedic punchline with Colin Robinson's disappointment over the lack of virgins for dinner.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to read. The scene takes place in a single location, and the dialogue is formatted conventionally.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene is conventional for the genre. It takes place in a single location and features dialogue between characters. The scene precedes a montage of flashbacks that reveal Nadja's history with a past lover.


Critique The scene lacks clear goals and conflicts. The dialogue is mostly just characters stating facts or reiterating what was already established, and there is no clear tension or stakes driving the interactions. Additionally, the formatting could use improvement, with inconsistent and cluttered formatting making it difficult to read. The scene also seems disjointed and disconnected from the larger story, lacking a clear purpose in terms of plot or character development. Overall, the scene needs clearer goals, conflicts, and stakes, as well as improved formatting and better integration with the larger story.
Suggestions 1. Add more visual description and sensory details to bring the scene to life and immerse the audience in the setting. For example, describe the decor of the bedroom to convey more about Colin's personality and taste.

2. Build up tension or conflict in the scene to make it more engaging. Perhaps Colin is hiding something or is suspicious of their visit. Or maybe Nadja, Nandor, and Lazslo are not just there to say hi - they have ulterior motives.

3. Develop the characters more and give them unique personalities and quirks to make them more memorable and interesting. Colin could have a dry sense of humor or be particularly obsessed with a certain hobby or interest.

4. Use dialogue that reveals more about the characters or moves the plot forward. In this scene, the dialogue is mostly small talk and not very impactful. Perhaps have Nadja ask Colin for advice or information about something, or have Colin reveal a secret to them.

5. Think about how this scene fits into the overall story arc and make sure it is necessary and contributes to the plot in some way. If the scene doesn't add anything new or move the story forward, consider cutting it or combining it with another scene.



Scene 9 - Preparing for The Baron's Visit
EXT./INT. FRONT FOYER OF THE MANSION - NIGHT

Nandor is lighting candles in a big candelabra.

NANDOR
Guillermo? Will the virgins be
arriving soon?

GUILLERMO
Yes, Master. Fingers crossed.
NANDOR
Aaaaaarrrghhh! (then) Oh, it’s only
a finger cross. Don’t do that.

The doorbell rings.

GUILLERMO
Dinner is served.

Nandor and Lazslo roll their eyes at Guillermo’s attempt at a
joke. Guillermo opens the door and welcomes in Jenna and
Jonathan from the LARP group.

GUILLERMO (CONT’D)
Jenna. Jonathan. So pleased you
could make it.

JENNA
Well, this house is officially
creepy.
JONATHAN
Yeah. Very authentic.

Nandor and Lazslo eye Jenna and Jonathan skeptically.

NANDOR
Hi!!! Are you the two virgins?

JONATHAN
I don’t see how that is any of your
business.

NANDOR
So, yes. What about you?
WWDITS December 8, 2017 29.
JENNA
Well, my boyfriend and I haven’t
met IRL.

LAZSLO
What?

GUILLERMO
In real life.

NANDOR
He’s fictional?

JENNA
No, we met online. We’re planning
an IRL meet later in the year. F2F
is a big step for us.
LAZSLO
What language is this?

JONATHAN
I’m not a virgin. In my last
relationship we did quote pretty
much everything unquote...

NANDOR
Except sex?

JONATHAN
A gentleman mage doesn’t tell of
his conquests sir.

NANDOR
Well done, Guillermo.


EXT. PARK - NIGHT
Jeff walks along and Nadja glides along beside him.

NADJA
I must go soon.

JEFF
Right. Okay.

NADJA
I just came to beg of you: Avoid
dangerous activities -- especially
those involving the head and/or the
neck.
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 30.


JEFF
Yeah, I pretty much stick to just
cardio and weights.

NADJA
Uh huh. I simply couldn’t bear
losing you. Again.

JEFF
Okay.

NADJA
So, are you a knight?

JEFF
Yeah! Well, a night watchman at a
supermarket.

NADJA
Protector of the people.

JEFF
Oh, not really. Ha.

Nadja laughs like Jeff is a hilarious.

NADJA
My sweet Gregor-Jeff! I’d forgotten
what a brilliant raconteur you
were! I must leave you now. But I
will find you again!

JEFF
Okay, well if you want to get
coffee...
NADJA
Oh, Gregor -- remember that time we
made love so passionately that I
accidentally cut your head off? And
then I kept going till my needs
were met? Let's do that again. But
maybe without the knifeplay.


JEFF
Do what now?

She’s gone.
JEFF (CONT’D)
Weird.
WWDITS December 8, 2017 31.
INT. MANSION BASEMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT
Guillermo is leading Jenna and Jonathan down a basement
hallway.

GUILLERMO
So the party is going to start in
a little while. Why don’t you guys
just have a seat in here and I’ll
come get you when--
Guillermo opens the door to a room. There are people with
writing on their heads. E.g. Nadja - September 15 2016,
Lazslo June 2010? They’re milling about -- gruesome,
halfdead lost souls. One of them is strapped to a wall,
moaning.
GUILLERMO (CONT’D)
Oops. Why don’t we wait up in
the kitchen?
Genres: ["Comedy","Horror"]

Summary The vampire roommates, with the help of Guillermo, prepare for The Baron's visit, while encountering prejudice from college bros and dealing with Colin Robinson's interference. Nadja has a chance encounter with a man she believes to be her reincarnated lover.
Strengths "The scene effectively juggles multiple storylines and character arcs, while maintaining the show's comedic tone. The interactions between the characters are entertaining and memorable."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks a clear central plot point and fails to fully develop some of its subplots."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 5

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While there are some fresh approaches to classic vampire tropes, such as the inclusion of online dating and modern technology, many of the elements of the scene are standard in the horror genre. However, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue makes the scene feel fresh and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 8

Nandor's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his authority and power over Guillermo and the virgins. He fears losing his dominance and becoming vulnerable to outside threats to his safety and reputation as a vampire leader.

External Goal: 7

Nandor's external goal in this scene is to prepare for a dinner party with the virgins, which is an important ritual for his vampire community. He is worried about the virgins not arriving or not meeting his expectations of purity.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 6

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 4

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it subverts some classic vampire tropes and includes unexpected elements such as online dating.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the traditional values of the vampire community and the modern values of society. Jenna and Jonathan's online relationship challenges the vampire community's emphasis on physical purity, while Jeff's job as a supermarket night watchman contrasts with the idea of vampires as elite and powerful beings. This conflict challenges Nandor's worldview and forces him to confront the changing world around him.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines humor and horror in a unique way while also exploring deeper themes of identity and tradition. The quick pacing and witty dialogue keep the scene entertaining while also advancing the plot and developing the characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective because it keeps the audience engaged and interested while also allowing for moments of tension and humor. The transitions between locations are smooth and the dialogue is snappy and well-paced.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with descriptions of each location and dialogue properly formatted and punctuated.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and dialogue that advances the plot and develops the characters.


Critique Overall, the scene demonstrates a strong understanding of character and humor. The interactions between Nandor and Guillermo, and the skepticism of Jenna and Jonathan, are particularly effective in establishing the comedic tone. However, the scene could benefit from clearer visual descriptions and pacing to further enhance its comedic impact. Additionally, the reveal of the basement hallway and the tortured souls feels abrupt and disconnected from the rest of the scene, and could benefit from further development or setup earlier in the episode.
Suggestions 1. The scene lacks clear stakes and purpose. It needs to be restructured to drive the plot forward and create tension.

2. The dialogue needs to be streamlined and more impactful. Eliminate unnecessary banter and focus on character motivations and conflicts.

3. The setting needs to be described in more detail to create a vivid and creepy atmosphere. Engage the senses and create a sense of foreboding.

4. Consider adding a visual element to break up the dialogue and make the scene more visually engaging, such as characters interacting with the environment or props.

5. Work on character development by giving each character a clear arc and motivation. Explore their relationships and how they interact with each other.

6. Finally, add a twist or surprise element to keep the audience engaged and interested in the story. Unexpected revelations can keep viewers on the edge of their seats.



Scene 10 - The Baron's Visit
INT. BASEMENT CHAMBER - NIGHT
Which looks very subterranean and spooky. Candelabras and
torches. (But there’s still an old StairMaster in the back
that looks too heavy to move, which has been covered in
black crepe paper.) Guillermo has propped The Baron’s coffin
up at the head of the table, but it’s still sealed shut. The
Baron’s Familiar stands at attention just behind the Baron’s
coffin. Nandor and Lazslo are sitting at the coffin’s right
and left. Nadja and Lazslo’s silent familiar JUNE stands
nearby. A bat flutters in, then transforms into Nadja, who
takes a seat at the table.

NADJA
Boy, are my arms tired.
LAZSLO
You’re late!

NANDOR
(formally) We three are gathered
as one, as the protocols dictate.
So the ceremony can commence.
Guillermo? Can you open The
Baron’s caske--
But before Nandor can finish speaking, The Baron’s casket
slowly opens with the sound of heavy wood or stone creaking.
Its contents are enveloped in a heavy mist, from which
emerges...
A truly scary vampire. Long fangs, drawn face, wispy hair,
pale skin.
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 32.
It is naked, has no genitals and has wing-like flaps of skin
under its armpits. Even Nandor, Nadja, and Lazslo seem
frightened of its form. It begins speaking, in a horrifying
ancient Latin tongue, which sounds like a backwards-talking
person from Twin Peaks with the voice of Bane.

THE BARON
Ne la materia che mai non dorme re
de I fenomeni re de le forme--

NANDOR
My Sire? If I may? That we might
comprehend you more clearly?
English please.

NADJA
The old tongue has withered with
us, like nightshade in a desert.

LAZSLO
I totally remember him as having
genitals.

THE BARON
(still horrifying voice timbre)
Does this suit you better?

NANDOR
My Sire? Just so as not to
frighten our familiars? Perhaps a
form that could pass for human?
ANGLE ON: Guillermo and June, both in shock at The Baron’s
form. Despite their familiarity with the supernatural,
they’re both paralyzed with fear and have tears trickling
down their cheeks. Another flash of light and smoke, and The
Baron transmogrifies into into a slightly less-scary form: a
large half-man, half-bat, whose breath forms a mist as if
his mere presence has reduced the room’s temperature to sub-
zero.
THE BARON
How’s this?
NADJA/LAZSLO/NANDOR
Perfect./I liked the first
way./Still a bit scary.

NANDOR
Guillermo? Fetch the virgins.

Guillermo exits hastily.

THE BARON
WWDITS December 8, 2017 33.
I am weary from my journey.

LAZSLO
Before you start, Sire, I’d just
like to go on record as saying
that the old ways are the best
ways. And for too long we here may
have been led astray by the allure
of the new.

NANDOR
Inaccurate and unfair.

LAZSLO
You’ll notice “crepe” paper
instead of actual human skin.

NANDOR
Kind of a dick move to bring this
up at this particular juncture,
Lazslo.

THE BARON
(so loud it shakes plaster off the
ceiling and extinguishes some of
the candles)
SILENCE. I have come with a
message.

The Baron now has their full attention.
THE BARON (CONT’D) The
Old World is dead. The Old Ways
are over. The New World -- this
“Amrika” as you call it -- is our
lifeline to an eternal future.
NANDOR
Say what now?

THE BARON
Have you forgotten why I sent you
three here in the first place?
Nandor, Nadja, and Lazslo all think -- but they obviously
have forgotten.
THE BARON (CONT’D)
The mission.

NANDOR
(to interview camera) I don’t know
what he’s talking about, mission.
I came here by mistake.
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 34.
THE BARON
You were supposed to conquer the
New World! Two hundred years have
passed with no progress! And here
you be: the land of opportunity
spread before you like a blood
banquet. And yet you hide in the
shadows.
NADJA
We go out...

THE BARON
...instead of engaging with this
wonderful New World -- a land that
virtually thirsts for a new order
of masters and supplicants.

NANDOR
A fair point. But on the other hand-

THE BARON
Your idleness and sloth have left
you mired in irrelevance. But no
longer! The Great Plan
recommences now! And the world
will not soon forget this
hallowed night when a decree went
forth. The human race will
forever lament... (to Nandor)
What is this place known as?
NANDOR
Staten Island.

THE BARON
The human race will forever lament
the night their end was foretold
in... Staten Island.

Lightning and thunder flash outside. Then a long silent beat.

LAZSLO
I’ve been saying we should do something like this
for years, Master. Nandor rolls his eyes at how quickly
Lazslo has flip-flopped.
THE BARON
This “Staten Island” -- it is the
cultural and political capital of
the New World, I trust?

NANDOR
WWDITS December 8, 2017 35.
(pause) Some say. I mean, there’s
an argument to be made...

NADJA
It’s where the boat dropped us
off.

LAZSLO
For at least two hundred years
I’ve been saying we should
relocate to
New Amsterdam, but--

THE BARON
Enough. Now I must slumber. Wake
me when your great work is
complete.

NANDOR
Of course. But... um... what kind
of time frame are we looking at
here?
THE BARON
Silence.

LAZSLO
(quietly) My Lord, are you hungry
after your trip because we--
THE BARON
SILENCE.

LAZSLO
Oh, you mean complete silence.
NADJA
Shut up, man.

LAZSLO
You said the last thing. And now
you made me. Great.
With a flash of light and smoke, The Baron lies back in his
casket, which closes on its own. And then there is silence.

LAZSLO (CONT’D)
Well. A lot to unpack here.

NADJA
Shall we get in the virgins? Hate
to let them go to waste.
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 36.
NANDOR
I feel so dumb that I wore
glitter.

Nandor pulls a velvet sash that rings a bell upstairs. Lazslo
turns to the Baron’s Familiar.

LAZSLO
I don’t believe we’ve been
properly introduced. I’m Lazslo.
Very old, very, very good friend
of the Baron.
The Baron’s Familiar just stares straight ahead, ignoring
Lazslo.
LAZSLO (CONT’D) Okay.
We can catch up after you’ve
settled in.
Genres: ["Comedy","Horror"]

Summary The vampire roommates prepare for The Baron's visit, where they learn of a mission they have forgotten, and The Baron is disappointed with their lack of progress. They discuss plans to take over the New World using Staten Island as their base of operations.
Strengths "The tension and fear felt by the characters is palpable and provides strong motivation for their actions and plans."
Weaknesses "The scene relies heavily on exposition, which slows down the pacing and can feel overwhelming at times."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 8

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its subversion of vampire lore, its use of archaic language for comedic effect, and its exploration of cultural clashes in a supernatural context. The characters' actions and dialogue are authentic and consistent with their established personalities.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 0

There is no clear internal goal for the protagonist in this scene.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to wake up The Baron and receive instructions for their mission to conquer the New World.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 9

Story Forward: 9

Unpredictability: 4

The scene is somewhat unpredictable in its use of humor and unconventional storytelling techniques, but the overall goal of waking up The Baron is relatively predictable.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a conflict between the old ways and the new world, and the characters must decide whether to embrace change or hold on to tradition.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it has a clear conflict that drives the action, it has moments of humor and horror that keep the audience on edge, and it introduces important plot points for the overall narrative.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, revealing important information, and delivering comedic moments in quick succession.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting of a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure of introducing the setting, introducing the characters, establishing the conflict, and resolving the conflict.


Critique Overall, the scene sets a spooky and ominous tone and effectively introduces The Baron as a powerful and intimidating figure. The dialogue between the characters reveals their personalities and conflicts, particularly between Lazslo and Nandor. The twist that they have forgotten their original mission to conquer the New World adds intrigue and raises the stakes for their future actions.

However, there are a few areas that could be improved. The description of the setting could be more visually specific, and the use of candelabras and torches feels cliché. The sudden appearance of the bat turning into Nadja is a bit jarring and could benefit from a smoother transition. Additionally, some of the comedic moments, such as the debate over the location of their arrival and Lazslo's attempted conversation with The Baron's Familiar, feel forced and could be trimmed for a tighter pace.

Overall, with some minor tweaks, this scene has the potential to be a strong addition to a supernatural comedy or horror script.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well-written and captures the spooky, eerie atmosphere of a vampire gathering. Here are a few suggestions to improve it:

1. Trim dialogue: There are some moments where the dialogue feels a bit repetitive or could be condensed. For example, when Nadja says "We go out..." and The Baron interrupts, the interruption could be skipped since it's clear The Baron wants to make his point. Also, the exchange between Lazslo and Nadja about the boat dropping them off could be removed since it doesn't add much to the scene.

2. Clarify character motivations: It's unclear why Nandor, Nadja, and Laszlo have forgotten their mission to conquer the New World. Is it because they got distracted by the new culture, or because they didn't take the mission seriously to begin with? The scene could benefit from a bit more backstory to make their motivations clearer.

3. Increase tension: While the scene builds tension with The Baron's scary transformation and thunderstorm outside, there could be more of a sense of urgency or conflict. Perhaps there's a deadline for the vampires to complete their mission before another group of vampires takes over, or some other external pressure that raises the stakes.

Overall, the scene is well-written and captures the eerie atmosphere of a vampire gathering. With a few tweaks, it could be even more effective.



Scene 11 - Anniversary Gift for Guillermo
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
NANDOR
Be honest though, The Baron was
kind of a dick.

LAZSLO
Shh. He’s very powerful.

NANDOR
You think he heard me?


INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
GUILLERMO
I was too late.

The two virgins’ eyes are glazed as Colin drones on and on.

COLIN ROBINSON
...so in the long run it’s
actually cheaper to lease a pre-
owned vehicle than to buy one. And
if you factor in insurance and
maintenance...

NANDOR
Oh, great! Colin has drained them
of all their energy! The perfect
end to a perfect evening.
WWDITS December 8, 2017 37.
INT. NANDOR'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Guillermo is helping Nandor out of his ornate vestments.

NANDOR
I’m not sure The Baron understands
how big the New World is. I mean,
where he’s from, you conquer three
villages, you’ve basically
conquered the whole country.

GUILLERMO
I’m sorry Colin got to the
virgins. I’ve kept them alive
though.

NANDOR
Separately, I assume. Would hate
to have them de-virginize each
other before we all get a bite.
GUILLERMO
Of course, Master.

NANDOR
You’re glum, Guillermo. You think
that I’ve forgotten that tonight
is a special night for you as
well, don’t you?

Guillermo brightens bashfully.
NANDOR (CONT’D) And does
not an anniversary call for a
reward recognizing your years of
service?
GUILLERMO
I am ready, Master.

NANDOR
Good. Prepare yourself...
Guillermo closes his eyes and bares his neck. Not noticing
that Nandor has pulled something from his coffin.
NANDOR (CONT’D)
Okay, open your eyes.
Nandor hands Guillermo a hand-made glitter picture of
Guillermo and Nandor. Nandor is proud of it.

NANDOR (CONT’D)
Happy anniversary, Guillermo.
WWDITS USA v23 December 8, 2017 38.
GUILLERMO
Oh. Well. Thank you, master.


NANDOR
Savor it. It’s the real reason I
wanted all that glitter.

Guillermo doesn’t know whether to be touched or insulted.

NANDOR (CONT’D)
You deserve it. Two years of
service.
GUILLERMO

...Twenty years, sir.
NANDOR
Oh, okay. Close my coffin please.

As Guillermo helps Nandor into his coffin...

GUILLERMO
Slumber soundly, Master.

A disappointed Guillermo closes the lid of Nandor’s coffin.
He tidies the capes on the rack. Takes a moment. Then angrily
rips the brocade off the cape.

GUILLERMO (CONT’D)
Frickin brocade...

END
Genres: ["Comedy","Horror"]

Summary Nandor gives Guillermo an anniversary gift while discussing The Baron's disappointment and the importance of taking over the New World.
Strengths "The witty dialogue and chemistry between the characters, especially Nandor and Guillermo."
Weaknesses "Not much happens plot-wise, and the conflict and stakes are relatively low."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 8

Originality: 8

The scene is fresh in its approach to vampire lore, with the vampires being depicted as comedic and quirky rather than brooding and ominous. The characters' actions and dialogue are authentic and consistent with their personalities.


Character Development

Characters: 10

Character Changes: 3

Internal Goal: 9

Nandor seems to be trying to process his interactions with The Baron and his own feelings of inadequacy. He tries to brush it off as he complains about The Baron being a jerk, but he's clearly affected by it.

External Goal: 7

Nandor's external goal is to celebrate Guillermo's anniversary of serving him as an assistant. The gift he gives is unexpected and not what Guillermo was anticipating.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 3

Story Forward: 4

Unpredictability: 4

While some elements of the scene are predictable (e.g. Nandor giving Guillermo a gift), the dialogue and character interactions are unpredictable.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 9

The scene is engaging because it balances comedy and horror, introduces quirky characters, and advances the narrative.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and developing the characters' relationships. There are no unnecessary pauses or lulls in the action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and action lines.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a comedic screenplay, with a clear inciting incident, rising action, and resolution.


Critique Overall, this scene does a good job of character development and humor. The humor is supernatural and witty, and the writing captures the personalities of the characters well. However, there are some areas that could be improved.

One issue is that the action is too fragmented. There are several short scenes, and it can be difficult to keep up with the constant shifts in setting. Additionally, some of the dialogue feels forced, especially in the kitchen scene. The conversation about leasing a pre-owned vehicle seems out of place and doesn't add much to the plot or the character development.

Overall though, the humor and character moments carry the scene and make it entertaining to watch. With a few tweaks to the pacing and dialogue, it could be even stronger.
Suggestions Overall, the scene serves its purpose of wrapping up the story and resolving some character arcs, but there are some suggestions that can make it more engaging and memorable:

1. Add more tension: The scene feels too relaxed and lacks the tension that typically builds up in the final scene of a movie. Consider adding some conflict or stakes that make the audience feel invested in the outcome.

2. Utilize the setting: The scene takes place in different rooms of the house, but the setting is not used to its full potential. Consider making the house feel more like a character and using it to enhance the atmosphere and tension.

3. Add humor: The humor in the scene is subtle and understated. Consider adding more comedic moments that make the audience laugh out loud and help the scene feel more memorable.

4. Clarify character motivations: Some of the character motivations are not clear, such as why Nandor gives Guillermo a glitter picture. Consider adding dialogue or actions that make the characters' motivations more explicit.

5. Raise the stakes: The scene feels too low stakes for a final scene. Consider adding higher stakes or consequences for the characters' actions to make the scene feel more impactful.



Characters in the screenplay, and their arcs:

Guillermo

Guillermo is a human familiar to the vampire Nandor. He is diligent, practical and sensible in his service to his master. He has the ultimate goal of becoming a vampire himself and is willing to do whatever it takes to achieve it. Guillermo is conflicted between his loyalty to his vampire master and his own desires for power and recognition. He struggles with his subservience to his masters and grapples with the ethical implications of vampire life. Guillermo is compassionate, intelligent and resourceful.



Nandor

Nandor is a traditional and formal vampire who values order and duty. He is the leader of the group and always tries to keep everyone on track. He can be confrontational and no-nonsense at times, but is also fascinated with macabre decor and has a sense of humor. He takes pride in his ornate vestments and is driven by duty to his more powerful vampire lord.



Lazslo

Lazslo is a vampire born in 1531 who prides himself on his handsomeness, enjoys luxury and indulgence, and is a bit of a show-off. He can be lazy and easily distracted, but is loyal to his roommates. He has a sexual history with Nadja and a complicated past with Nandor. He is charming, cunning, and always looking for ways to manipulate situations to his advantage.



CharacterArcCritiqueSuggestions
Guillermo As the movie progresses, Guillermo's character arc revolves around his deepening desire to become a vampire and the ethical conflict he feels in his loyalty to his vampire masters. Initially, Guillermo is completely subservient to Nandor and dreams of becoming a vampire himself. However, as he sees the darker side of vampire life and begins to question whether he really wants to be a vampire, he starts to assert himself more. Guillermo's arc reaches a climax when he reveals to Nandor that he is actually a descendant of Van Helsing and has been responsible for secretly killing vampires. He ultimately takes a stand against his vampire masters, even as he continues to serve them. While Guillermo's arc is compelling, it could be more fully developed. At times, the film seems to gloss over Guillermo's internal conflict and his growing disillusionment with vampire life. In addition, his true motivations for wanting to become a vampire are not fully explored. This can make his transformation from a loyal servant to a rebel feel somewhat abrupt. To improve Guillermo's character arc, the film could spend more time exploring his internal conflict and the reasons behind his desire to become a vampire. This could be done through flashbacks or other character development techniques. Additionally, the climax of Guillermo's arc could be more dramatic and impactful, with stronger consequences for his actions. Finally, the film could more fully explore the ethical implications of vampire life and how Guillermo grapples with these issues.
Nandor Nandor begins the movie as a strict traditionalist who resists change and feels threatened by The Baron's potential to take over the household. As the story progresses, Nandor becomes more willing to adapt to new situations and begins to appreciate Guillermo's loyalty and practicality. He gains a newfound respect for The Baron after realizing the power he possesses, but ultimately realizes that loyalty to his own group is more important than blindly following a powerful leader. By the end of the movie, Nandor has become more open-minded and willing to embrace new ideas. The character arc for Nandor is well-established and shows growth throughout the movie, but it could benefit from more specific and tangible moments of change. The arc primarily relies on Nandor's shifting attitude towards The Baron, but more pivotal scenes could help solidify his growth and make it more impactful. To improve the character arc, consider adding scenes where Nandor is forced to make tough decisions or confront his own beliefs. Perhaps he has to choose between loyalty to The Baron or loyalty to his own group, and this choice ultimately leads to his growth. Additionally, exploring Nandor's relationships with other characters could add more nuance to his development. For example, if Guillermo becomes a key ally to Nandor, this could show his willingness to break from tradition and embrace practicality.
Lazslo Lazslo starts off as carefree and slightly childish, enjoying his power as a vampire but not taking things too seriously. However, as the gravity of their situation becomes more apparent, Lazslo's flippant attitude causes him to make mistakes and put himself and his roommates in danger. Through facing the consequences of his actions, Lazslo begins to mature and develop a sense of responsibility. He realizes that he needs to take their situation seriously and work together with his roommates to survive. The character arc for Lazslo is well done, but could benefit from more specific incidents that show his growth. Additionally, his motivations and goals could be further explored to give him more depth. Show Lazslo making specific mistakes that put his roommates in danger, and have him take responsibility for his actions. Explore his desires and motivations more deeply - is he content with his current lifestyle, or does he have goals that he's been avoiding confronting? Show him working with his roommates to help them survive, either through his cunning or through his love and loyalty to them.
Nadja

Here are different suggestions of loglines. (Alpha code)



A loyal servant seeks immortality from his vampire master on the anniversary of their partnership while preparing for a vampiric house meeting
Prejudice and power struggles arise as a group of vampires prepare for the arrival of a powerful leader
Dark humor ensues as an energy vampire drains the energy from a group of roommates preparing for a visit from a powerful leader
A visit from a powerful leader forces a group of vampire roommates to confront their own shortcomings and prejudices
As a group of vampire roommates prepare for a visit from a powerful leader, tension builds between them and a potential new love interest arises
Story structures and how the script fits them

1) Hero's Journey:

- Call to Adventure: Guillermo hopes Nandor will make him a vampire on the anniversary of their 20-year partnership.
- Crossing the Threshold: Nandor prepares for the house meeting while Guillermo helps him out of his coffin.
- Tests, Allies, and Enemies: The vampires catch up with each other and discuss financial concerns related to co-habitating.
- Approach to the Inmost Cave: The vampires receive a letter from The Baron announcing his arrival, and they discuss the potential impact of his visit.
- Ordeal: The vampires struggle to fit in with the mortals, encountering prejudice from college bros, and Colin Robinson drains their energy.
- Reward: Nandor shops for decorations and Guillermo tries to bring up his anniversary while Guillermo and Nandor bond over their gift exchange.
- The Road Back: The vampire roommates make preparations for The Baron's visit, discussing transportation and the blood feast.
- Resurrection: The Baron expresses disappointment in their lack of progress in conquering the New World and draws up a new plan to use Staten Island as their base of operations.
- Return with the Elixir: TBA

Reference: The Writer's Journey by Christopher Vogler

2) Three Act Structure:

- Act I (Setup): Guillermo tries to help his master Nandor out of his coffin, while the vampires prepare for a house meeting in their dilapidated mansion. Guillermo hopes Nandor will make him a vampire on the anniversary of their 20-year partnership. The vampires catch up with each other and discuss financial concerns related to co-habitating.
- Act II (Confrontation): The vampires receive a letter from The Baron announcing his arrival, and they discuss the potential impact of his visit. The vampires struggle to fit in with the mortals, encountering prejudice from college bros, and Colin Robinson drains their energy. The vampire roommates make preparations for The Baron's visit, discussing transportation and the blood feast.
- Act III (Resolution): The Baron expresses disappointment in their lack of progress in conquering the New World and draws up a new plan to use Staten Island as their base of operations. Guillermo shows his loyalty and dedication to his master.

Reference: Screenplay by Syd Field

3) Save the Cat:

- Opening Image: Guillermo tries to help his master Nandor out of his coffin, while the vampires prepare for a house meeting in their dilapidated mansion.
- Theme Stated: Nadja discusses the benefits of staying in a house with other vampires rather than the victims she had in her castle.
- Set-up: Guillermo hopes Nandor will make him a vampire on the anniversary of their 20-year partnership. The vampires catch up with each other and discuss financial concerns related to co-habitating.
- Catalyst: The vampires receive a letter from The Baron, announcing his arrival and the potential impact of his visit.
- Debate: The vampires discuss The Baron's visit and each character has their own worries, including Lazlo's admiration and Nadja's sexual history with The Baron.
- Break into Two: The vampires struggle to fit in with the mortals, encountering prejudice from college bros, and Colin Robinson drains their energy. Guillermo prepares the mansion for The Baron's arrival.
- B Story: Nadja has a surprising encounter with a man she believes to be her former lover, Gregor.
- Fun and Games: The vampire roommates prepare for The Baron's visit, discussing transportation and the blood feast. Nadja and Lazlo hunt in the park and have humorous conversations.
- Midpoint: The Baron arrives and expresses disappointment in their lack of progress in conquering the New World.
- All is Lost: The Baron draws up a new plan to use Staten Island as their base of operations.
- Dark Night of the Soul: TBA
- Break into Three: TBA
- Finale: TBA
- Final Image: Guillermo and Nandor bond over their gift exchange.

Reference: Save the Cat by Blake Snyder

Analysis/Critique of Story Structure:

Using the Hero's Journey and Three Act Structure frameworks, it is clear that the story lacks a clear sense of a protagonist and their journey. While Guillermo acts as a catalyst for the story, there is no clear character who undergoes a transformation or faces a significant obstacle to overcome. The story follows a group of characters with various subplots and conflicts, but there is no singular arc that ties them all together.

However, using the Save the Cat framework, the story's strengths become more apparent. The story is built around themes of loyalty, dedication, and the struggle to fit in, which are echoed in Guillermo's desire to become a vampire and his unwavering dedication to Nandor. The story balances humor and darker moments well, and there are clear moments of setup, payoff, and resolution throughout.

Overall, the story could benefit from a clearer sense of a protagonist and their journey, but it effectively engages with its themes and uses humor to make the story entertaining. The Save the Cat framework is the most fitting for this story, as it highlights the story's strengths and shows how it effectively engages with its audience.

Top Correlations and patterns found in the scenes:

Pattern Explanation
Emotional impact and overall grade correlationScenes with higher emotional impact tend to receive higher overall grades. This suggests that emotional impact is an important factor in audience enjoyment and engagement.
Humor and lower tension correlationScenes with humorous elements tend to have lower tension levels. This suggests that humor can be used as a tool to relieve or mitigate tension in a story.
Dark humor and high stakes correlationScenes with dark humor tend to have higher stakes. This suggests that dark humor can be used to emphasize the seriousness of a situation and make it more impactful.
Character changes and emotional impact correlationScenes with character changes tend to have higher emotional impact. This suggests that character development can be used to create more meaningful and resonant moments in a story.
Conflict and plot correlationScenes with higher conflict tend to have more developed plots. This suggests that conflict can be used to drive the plot and make it more engaging for the audience.


Stories Similar to this one

Story Explanation
What We Do in the Shadows (movie) This screenplay is based on the mockumentary film, 'What We Do in the Shadows.' The TV series has a similar tone, genre, and similar storyline revolving around the everyday lives of vampires and their struggles with being undead.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV Show) Similar to 'What We Do in the Shadows' and this screenplay, 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' deals with the everyday lives of vampires and their interactions with humans and other vampires. The humor, tone, and genre of the show are similar to this screenplay.
Interview with the Vampire (Movie) Another movie with a similar storyline, 'Interview with the Vampire,' follows the story of a group of vampires living together but struggling with their immortality. The themes of loneliness, love, and prejudice are explored in both this screenplay and 'Interview with the Vampire.'
The Twilight Saga (Book Series/Movie) Like this screenplay, 'The Twilight Saga' follows the lives of vampires as they navigate conflicts with other vampires, their interactions with humans, and their insatiable thirst for blood. Both have a similar tone, genre, and themes of prejudice, love, and loyalty.
True Blood (TV Show) 'True Blood' explores similar themes as this screenplay, particularly the prejudice vampires face in society. Both also deal with vampire hierarchy and power, as well as vampires struggling to fit in with humans. The tone, genre, and structure are also similar.

Here are different Tropes found in the screenplay

Trope Trope Details Trope Explanation
VampiresThe screenplay features vampires as the main characters and explores their lives and relationships with each other.
House MeetingThe screenplay includes multiple house meetings where the vampires discuss their living arrangements and issues related to co-habitating.The trope of house meetings is a common comedy trope where characters living together have meetings to discuss issues or resolve conflicts, such as in The Big Bang Theory or Friends.
Prejudice against VampiresThe screenplay explores the theme of prejudice against vampires through encounters with college bros and discussions about fitting in with mortals.The trope of prejudice against vampires is common in vampire media, as they are often portrayed as outsiders or othered by humans. This trope is seen in shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer and movies like Twilight.
Energy VampireThe screenplay introduces a character who is an energy vampire and drains the energy of the other vampires.The trope of energy vampires is a subcategory of vampires that drain energy instead of blood. This trope has been used in shows like The X-Files and What We Do in the Shadows, as well as in real-life discussions of people who drain others' energy.
Ceremonial Blood FeastThe screenplay features a ceremonial blood feast that the vampires prepare for and serve during The Baron's visit.The trope of a ceremonial blood feast is often used in vampire media to showcase the vampires' unique lifestyle and culture. This trope can be seen in shows like True Blood and movies like Interview with the Vampire.
Anniversary GiftThe screenplay includes a scene where Nandor gives Guillermo an anniversary gift, a glitter portrait of themselves, as a sign of their close partnership.The trope of an anniversary gift is used to demonstrate a meaningful relationship between characters. This trope can be seen in shows and movies of all genres, such as The Office or Love Actually.


Theme Theme Details Themee Explanation
Power dynamics within the householdThe scene in the library reveals the power dynamic within the household, with Nadja being the mediator between Nandor and Lazlo. The impending visit from The Baron also adds to the theme of power dynamics within the group.The theme of power dynamics within the household is centered around the relationships and rank between Nandor, Laszlo, Nadja, and Guillermo. The characters constantly shift between who has the upper hand, and the arrival of The Baron escalates this tension.
Prejudice and othernessNadja and Lazlo encounter prejudice from college bros while hunting in the park. The encounter and the reason for them leaving Europe hint at the theme of prejudice and otherness. The scene also introduces Colin Robinson, an energy vampire, who is a clear other in the group.The theme of prejudice and otherness is present throughout as the vampire roommates struggle to fit into modern society. They are constantly othered by the mortals around them and face prejudices because of their vampire nature. The theme adds depth to the characters and explores the consequences of being different.
Loyalty and dedicationGuillermo shows his loyalty and dedication to Nandor when he helps him with his vestments and prepares the mansion for The Baron's arrival. Nandor also gives Guillermo an anniversary gift, a glitter portrait of themselves.The theme of loyalty and dedication is centered around the relationship between Nandor and Guillermo. The theme explores the lengths someone will go to show their loyalty to a master and the unbreakable bonds that can form through a relationship based on servitude.
Humor and satireThe scene with the LARP group is lighthearted and humorous, and Colin Robinson's energy-draining abilities add to the humor. Most of the scenes have a darkly humorous tone, blending satire with the horror elements.The theme of humor and satire is present throughout the screenplay. The screenplay blends horror with humor, especially in the scenes that involve the vampire roommates interacting with modern society. A sense of absurdity permeates the screenplay, which adds to the overall tone of the story.
Survival and power struggleThe discussion of The Baron's arrival and the preparation for his visit show how the vampire roommates are struggling for survival and power. The Baron's announcement that they need to use Staten Island as their base of operations adds to the theme of survival and power struggle.The theme of survival and power struggle is centered around the actions that the vampire roommates take to maintain their status and power in modern society. They struggle for survival and power in a world that is hostile towards them, and The Baron's announcement escalates the tension and power struggle between them.



Screenwriting Resources on Themes

Articles

Site Description
Studio Binder Movie Themes: Examples of Common Themes for Screenwriters
Coverfly Improving your Screenplay's theme
John August Writing from Theme

YouTube Videos

Title Description
Story, Plot, Genre, Theme - Screenwriting Basics Screenwriting basics - beginner video
What is theme Discussion on ways to layer theme into a screenplay.
Thematic Mistakes You're Making in Your Script Common Theme mistakes and Philosophical Conflicts
Voice Analysis
Summary: The writer's voice throughout the screenplay is characterized by dry humor, wit, and a mix of horror and absurdity. The dialogue is often snappy and the characters have distinct voices and personalities. The writer's voice adds depth and comedic elements to the screenplay, while also exploring themes of prejudice, loyalty, and the balance between desire and duty.
Voice Contribution The writer's voice contributes to the script by creating a unique and entertaining tone. The dry humor and wit in the dialogue adds depth and complexity to the characters, while the mix of horror and absurdity creates a sense of unease and unpredictability. The voice also helps explore the themes of prejudice and otherness, as well as the internal conflicts and character growth of the main protagonists.
Best Representation Scene 5 - Preparing for The Baron's Visit
Best Scene Explanation This scene is the best representation because it captures the writer's unique voice through its witty, irreverent, and absurd dialogue. The scene also explores the theme of prejudice and otherness, which is a recurring theme throughout the screenplay.
Originality
  • Overall originality score: 7
  • Overall originality explanation: The screenplay takes fresh approaches to familiar tropes of the vampire genre, including adding humor, subverting expectations of how vampires should behave, and blending classic vampire lore with modern technology and social commentary. The characters are unique and have their own quirks, making them stand out.
  • Most unique situations: The most unique situations in the screenplay are the introduction of energy vampire Colin Robinson and the blending of supernatural and everyday elements, as well as the deadpan humor and dialogue.
  • Overall unpredictability score: 8
  • Overall unpredictability explanation: The screenplay continually surprises the audience with its unexpected twists and turns, particularly with the introduction of new characters and their impact on the plot. The tension builds as the vampires prepare for The Baron's visit and their potential power struggles. The unique blend of humor and horror also adds to the unpredictability of the screenplay.
Goals and Philosophical Conflict
internal GoalsThe protagonist's internal goals evolve throughout the screenplay and include a desire for acceptance, control, and a sense of purpose.
External Goals The overarching external goal is for the vampire roommates to plan for The Baron's visit, including transportation, the blood feast, and purchasing supplies.
Philosophical Conflict The screenplay tackles themes of tradition, prejudice, change, and identity, with the philosophical conflict revolving around the tension between the old ways and the modern world.


Character Development Contribution: The goals and conflicts contribute to the characters' development by revealing their personalities, values, and beliefs, and how they adapt to changing circumstances.

Narrative Structure Contribution: The goals and conflicts contribute to the narrative structure by creating tension and suspense, building relationships and alliances, and establishing themes.

Thematic Depth Contribution: The goals and conflicts contribute to the thematic depth by exploring themes of identity, tradition, prejudice, and change, and how the characters navigate these themes in their own ways.


Screenwriting Resources on Goals and Philosophical Conflict

Articles

Site Description
Creative Screenwriting How Important Is A Character’s Goal?
Studio Binder What is Conflict in a Story? A Quick Reminder of the Purpose of Conflict

YouTube Videos

Title Description
How I Build a Story's Philosophical Conflict How do you build philosophical conflict into your story? Where do you start? And how do you develop it into your characters and their external actions. Today I’m going to break this all down and make it fully clear in this episode.
Endings: The Good, the Bad, and the Insanely Great By Michael Arndt: I put this lecture together in 2006, when I started work at Pixar on Toy Story 3. It looks at how to write an "insanely great" ending, using Star Wars, The Graduate, and Little Miss Sunshine as examples. 90 minutes
Tips for Writing Effective Character Goals By Jessica Brody (Save the Cat!): Writing character goals is one of the most important jobs of any novelist. But are your character's goals...mushy?
World Building
  • Physical environment: The world depicted in the screenplay ranges from dilapidated mansions to modern-day America, college campuses, and parks. The physical environment is often eerie, spooky, or creepy, contributing to a horror-fantasy atmosphere.
  • Culture: The culture depicted is primarily that of vampires and their societal structures and traditions. There are also references to LARPing and contemporary culture, with vampires trying to fit in with modern mortals. Prejudice against vampires is a prevalent theme.
  • Society: Vampires have their own societal structures and hierarchies, often with strict rules and expectations. There are also familiar relationships between vampires and humans, with some familiars seeking to become vampires themselves.
  • Technology: Technology is present in some scenes, with modern-day conveniences like black taxis and computers, but it is not central to the story or world.
  • Characters influence: The world elements shape the characters' experiences and actions, with their immortality and vampire characteristics dictating their language, mannerisms, and cultural references. Characters like Colin Robinson's energy-draining abilities and Nadja encountering her former lover add to the story tensions and conflicts.
  • Narrative contribution: The world elements contribute to the narrative by creating a unique and intriguing world for the characters to inhabit, adding to the dark humor, conflicts, and tension. The world also opens up new avenues for plot and character development.
  • Thematic depth contribution: The world elements contribute to the thematic depth of the screenplay by exploring themes of prejudice and inclusion. The contrast between the supernatural and the mundane also highlights the characters' struggles to fit in and find their place in the world.
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Memorable lines in the script:

Scene Number Line
10The Baron: The human race will forever lament the night their end was foretold in... Staten Island.
3Lazslo: Let it never be said that The Baron does not know how to make an entrance that will shock and astonish!
1Guillermo: A vampire's familiar is kind of like a best friend... who's also a slave, kind of?
5Lazslo: Not bad! And now, shall we explore each other's bodies in a frenzy of carnal passion, yes?
9Nadja: Oh, Gregor -- remember that time we made love so passionately that I accidentally cut your head off? And then I kept going till my needs were met? Let's do that again. But maybe without the knifeplay.
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