Clerks
Screenplay Story Analysis
How scenes compare to the Scripts in our Library
| Percentile | Before | After | ||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Dialogue | 8.6 | 96 | What we do in the shadows: 8.4 | Easy A: 8.6 |
| Characters | 8.2 | 51 | Mr Robot: 8.1 | heathers : 8.2 |
| Conflict Level | 5.9 | 5 | The apartment: 5.6 | Good Will Hunting: 5.9 |
| Overall | 7.7 | 2 | the Shining: 7.6 | There's something about Mary: 7.7 |
| Concept | 7.1 | 2 | - | the Shining: 7.1 |
| Emotional Impact | 5.1 | 1 | - | Clerks: 5.1 |
| Story Forward | 5.7 | 1 | - | Clerks: 5.7 |
| Character Changes | 3.8 | 1 | - | Clerks: 3.8 |
| High Stakes | 3.8 | 1 | - | Clerks: 3.8 |
| Plot | 6.7 | 0 | - | Clerks: 6.7 |
| Story Content | Character Development | Scene Elements | Audience Engagement | ||||||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Scene Number | Full Analysis | Tone | Overall Grade | Concept | Plot | Characters | Character Changes | Conflict | High stakes | Story forward | Emotional Impact | Dialogue | |
| 1 | Morning in Dante's Room | "Lighthearted" | 7.5 | 6 | 7 | 7 | 3 | 6 | 3 | 5 | 4 | 8 | |
| 2 | Dante's Convenience Store Visit | "Humorous and light-hearted" | 7 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 3 | 5 | 2 | 6 | 4 | 7 | |
| 3 | Cancer Education | "Humorous" | 9 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 3 | 5 | 2 | 6 | 4 | 10 | |
| 4 | Anti-Smoking Militants | "Sarcastic" | 9 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 6 | 10 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 9 | |
| 5 | Hockey Game Conflict | "light-hearted" | 9 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 3 | 8 | 4 | 7 | 7 | 10 | |
| 6 | Counter Banter | "Light-hearted" | 8 | 7 | 6 | 9 | 3 | 5 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 8 | |
| 7 | Veronica's Bombshell | "Humorous" | 8 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 6 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 6 | 9 | |
| 8 | Dante and Veronica's Argument | "Humorous" | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 10 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 9 | |
| 9 | Video Store Banter | "light-hearted" | 7 | 6 | 4 | 8 | 1 | 4 | 2 | 5 | 3 | 9 | |
| 10 | The Caitlin Dilemma | "Light-hearted" | 8 | 7 | 8 | 8 | 4 | 6 | 5 | 8 | 5 | 9 | |
| 11 | Video Store Shenanigans | "light-hearted" | 8.2 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 5 | 4 | 8 | |
| 12 | Pets and Prunes | "Light-hearted" | 8 | 7 | 6 | 9 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 5 | 8 | |
| 13 | Berserker | "Light-hearted" | 8 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 6 | 5 | 9 | |
| 14 | Contractors and Politics | "Humorous" | 8 | 7 | 7 | 9 | 3 | 5 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 9 | |
| 15 | Indecisive Customer | "sarcastic, humorous" | 7 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 2 | 5 | 2 | 4 | 3 | 9 | |
| 16 | The Odd Egg Man | "Light-hearted, humorous" | 8 | 7 | 6 | 7 | 2 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 8 | |
| 17 | Conversations at the Convenience Store Counter | "Humorous, crass" | 8 | 4 | 5 | 7 | 2 | 6 | 1 | 4 | 3 | 9 | |
| 18 | Annoying Customers and Personal Anecdotes | "Sarcastic" | 8 | 7 | 6 | 9 | 3 | 4 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 9 | |
| 19 | Drug Dealing with Jay and Silent Bob | "Silly" | 7 | 8 | 6 | 7 | 2 | 6 | 4 | 5 | 4 | 8 | |
| 20 | Hockey Game | "Light-hearted" | 7 | 6 | 5 | 8 | 2 | 5 | 2 | 2 | 3 | 9 | |
| 21 | Convenience Store Hockey Game | "Light-hearted" | 8 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 3 | 6 | 2 | 8 | 4 | 8 | |
| 22 | Hockey in the Parking Lot | "Humorous" | 7 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 3 | 6 | 3 | 6 | 4 | 8 | |
| 23 | Old Man and the Convenience Store | "Light-hearted" | 6 | 6 | 5 | 6 | 3 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 4 | 7 | |
| 24 | Dead Exes and Dicks | "Dark humor" | 8 | 7 | 7 | 8 | 3 | 7 | 3 | 6 | 5 | 9 | |
| 25 | Hockey, Death, and Secrets | "sarcastic" | 9 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 4 | 7 | 3 | 6 | 6 | 9 | |
| 26 | Viewing the Body | "Dark humor" | 8 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 4 | 6 | 4 | 6 | 7 | 9 | |
| 27 | The Keys | "light-hearted" | 8 | 7 | 7 | 9 | 4 | 6 | 3 | 6 | 5 | 9 | |
| 28 | Argument and Banter | "Humorous" | 7 | 7 | 5 | 8 | 2 | 5 | 2 | 4 | 3 | 9 | |
| 29 | High School Secrets Revealed | "Light-hearted" | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 6 | 7 | 4 | 6 | 5 | 8 | |
| 30 | The Fine and the Reunion | "Humorous" | 7 | 8 | 6 | 7 | 4 | 7 | 6 | 6 | 5 | 8 | |
| 31 | Caitlin Returns and Dante's Hope is Rekindled | "Playful, emotional" | 9 | 9 | 8 | 10 | 6 | 6 | 6 | 8 | 8 | 10 | |
| 32 | Caitlin's Return | "Whimsical" | 7 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 4 | 5 | 4 | 7 | 6 | 9 | |
| 33 | Grocery Run | "Light-hearted" | 7 | 6 | 5 | 8 | 3 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 7 | |
| 34 | Rekindled Romance | "Humorous" | 8 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 5 | 6 | 4 | 7 | 6 | 9 | |
| 35 | Sex, Drugs, and Convenience Stores | "humorous and light-hearted" | 7 | 7 | 6 | 8 | 3 | 5 | 2 | 6 | 4 | 8 | |
| 36 | The Strange Man in the Bathroom | "Dark and absurd" | 7 | 8 | 7 | 6 | 5 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 6 | 8 | |
| 37 | Salsa Shark and Relationship Woes | "Humorous" | 8 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 4 | 5 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 9 | |
| 38 | Shit or Get Off the Pot | "serious and reflective, with moments of humor" | 8 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 6 | 7 | 5 | 6 | 6 | 9 | |
| 39 | Jay and Dante Discuss Relationships | "Humorous" | 7 | 5 | 5 | 7 | 4 | 3 | 1 | 2 | 4 | 9 | |
| 40 | Confrontation and Confession | "Dramatic" | 8 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 10 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 8 | |
| 41 | Veronica Confronts Dante | "tense" | 7 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 7 | |
| 42 | The Last Stand | "tense, emotional, comedic" | 8 | 8 | 7 | 9 | 5 | 9 | 10 | 7 | 10 | 8 | |
Scene 1 - Morning in Dante's Room
by
Kevin Smith
Ostensibly
First Draft
Dec. 8, 1992
INT BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING HOURS
A DOG
sleeps on a neatly made bed.
A POSTER
of Bugs Bunny conducting an orchestra.
A SHELF OF BOOKS
holds such classics as Dante’s Inferno, Beyond Good and Evil, The
Catcher in the Rye, and The Dark Knight Returns.
A FRAMED DIPLOMA
dusty and unkempt hangs askew on the wall. A snapshot of a girl is stuck
in the corner, and a bra weighs one end down.
A PHONE
with gum wads stuck on the receiver sits quietly atop a circular trash
can. It suddenly explodes with a resounding ring - once, twice, thrice.
A CLOSET DOOR
partly open. A sneaker sticks out of the bottom. As the phone rings, the
door is kicked open by an unsneakered foot. A half-clad figure musters
itself from the closet floor. The sneakered foot attempts to gain
leverage.
THE PHONE
rings yet again, and a hand falls upon the receiver, yanking it off the
trash can, OC.
THE RUMPLED FIGURE
lays with his back to the camera, phone in hand.
FIGURE
(groggily)
Hello...What?...No, I don’t work
today...I’m playing hockey at
four...Arthur’s working...
THE DOG
yawns and shakes its head.
FIGURE (OC)
No, I can’t...I’m playing hockey at
four...It’s nine o’clock...So I got
a game in seven hours...No...That’s
not my fault...
A HALF-EATEN TWINKIE
sits atop a half-finished tumbler full of chocolate milk.
FIGURE (OC)
Call Randal...I’m fucking tired...
No...No way...I’ve got a game at
four!...What?...Jesus...
(deep sigh)
What time are you going to come in?
...Two...Be there by two...Swear...
1.
A PICTURE OF A GIRL
leans against a trophy. The picture is decorated with a Play-Doh beard
and mustache.
FIGURE (OC)
Swear you’ll be in by two and I’ll
do it...Two...Two or I walk.
THE PHONE RECEIVER
slams into the cradle.
THE RUMPLED FIGURE
slowly sits up and remains motionless. He musses his hair.
FIGURE
Shit.
He stands.
THE DOG
stands and wags its tail. A hand pats his head.
THE RUMPLED FIGURE
lays down on the bed. We now see his face. It is the face of DANTE and
this is Dante’s room; this is Dante’s life.
POV DANTE - THE DOG
looks down at its master.
DANTE
grabs the dogs head and wrestles it.
DANTE
Next time, you sleep in the closet
and I get the bed.
He releases the dog and sits up.
DANTE
(exhausted)
Shit.
CUT TO:
CREDITS.
CUT TO:
INT. BATHROOM - MINUTES LATER
A STEAMING SHOWER
fills the room. The dog licks water from the toilet.
CUT TO:
CREDITS.
CUT TO:
2.
INT. KITCHEN - MINUTES LATER
A TOWEL-DRESSED DANTE
opens the fridge and peers inside. He grabs a half-empty gallon of milk
and closes the door.
CUT TO:
CREDITS.
CUT TO:
INT KITCHEN - SECONDS LATER
CHOCOLATE MILK MIX
is heaped into a tumbler. One scoop, two scoops, three scoops, four
scoops.
CUT TO:
CREDITS.
CUT TO:
INT BEDROOM - A MINUTE LATER
DANTE
gulps his breakfast while feeling inside the closet for some clothes.
Some chocolate milk spills on the floor.
THE DOG
laps at the small puddle of chocolate milk.
CUT TO:
CREDITS.
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 2 - Dante's Convenience Store Visit
DANTE’S FEET
are hastily covered with sneakers in mid-stride, accomplished by a
series of hops.
A HAND
grabs keys from atop a fish tank.
CUT TO:
CREDITS.
CUT TO:
EXT DRIVEWAY - MINUTES LATER
A CAR
backs out of the driveway and speeds down the street. The dog looks on.
3.
DANTE
brushes his hair in the rearview mirror while attempting to drive.
CUT TO:
CREDITS.
CUT TO:
EXT CONVENIENCE STORE - MORNING
THE CAR
pulls up, with a screech.
FEET
descend to the ground from the open door. Pan up to reveal DANTE in
front of the store.
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
A SICKLY ARTHUR
is slumped over the counter. DANTE lifts his head by the hair.
DANTE
It’s okay Arthur. I’m here now. You
can go.
ARTHUR is genuinely pleased to see his relief, but feels a bit guilty.
ARTHUR
Dante. I’m sorry you had to come in,
but I felt like shit since this
morning.
DANTE
I’m only here till two, then the boss
is coming in. I’ve got a game at four.
Arthur
He’s coming in? But I thought...
That’s weird.
DANTE
Why don’t you go home and lay down
man. You sound like shit too.
Arthur
Yeah, I should. Oh! I forgot. We
didn’t get any Asbury Park Press
this morning, so you’ve gotta do the
thing again.
DANTE
Why can’t we just pay for the papers
like all the other stores?
ARTHUR hands him a quarter.
4.
Arthur
Go ahead. I’ll wait here.
DANTE shakes his head and exits.
CUT TO:
EXT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
POV NEWSPAPER MACHINE
Through murky glass and thin metal grating, we see DANTE approach. He
stops and drops a quarter in the slot. He pulls the door down, finally
allowing us a clear view, as he reaches toward the camera.
DANTE
pulls a stack of newspapers from the Asbury Park Press vending machine.
He struggles to hold them all in one hand as he lets the door slam shut.
He turns to walk away, but the sound of the quarter dropping into the
change slot stops him. He takes a step back to grab the coin.
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
THE PAPERS
drop into the once-empty rack with a resounding flop.
ARTHUR
leans on the ice cream case in front of the counter. He is prepared to
leave. DANTE hands him the quarter.
Arthur
Tell Randal to be careful today. Six
people lodged complaints against him
this morning, and one woman wants to
press charges for harassment.
DANTE
Sexual?
Arthur
I don’t think so. Randal kept
calling her an idiot because she
wanted to rent ‘Navy SEALS’.
DANTE
I remember that. Mrs. Dempsey.
Arthur
I think so. I’m sorry you had to
come in, Dante.
DANTE
Arthur, don’t even worry about it.
You’re in bad shape, and besides:
I’ll be out of here by two. Don’t
worry about me.
5.
Arthur
I’m going to go home and sit on the
toilet. I’ve had the runs all damn
morning. You know how it gets, when
there’s nothing solid? It’s like
you’re pissing out of your ass;
thick muddy piss.
Arthur
Thanks for the visual.
Arthur
I’ve heard that the tobacco people
have been hitting the local stores,
so be careful not to sell any kids
cigarettes.
DANTE
I never do.
(sniffing the air)
Jesus, it even smells like sickness
in this place.
Arthur
That was me. I just threw up behind
the counter.
DANTE
I’ll bet. Go home, man.
Arthur
(exiting)
Thanks again, Dante. I’ll see you on
Monday.
ARTHUR leaves as a customer walks in. DANTE hops behind the counter and
slides out of view, slipping on vomit.
OC DANTE
Jesus!
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
DANTE
waits on a customer (ACTIVIST) with a briefcase.
DANTE
(dispensing change)
Thanks. Have a good one.
ACTIVIST
(indicating his coffee)
Do you mind if I drink this here?
DANTE
Sure. Go ahead.
6.
The ACTIVIST leans on the counter and drinks his coffee. Another
CUSTOMER approaches.
CUSTOMER
(to DANTE)
Pack of Marlboro.
ACTIVIST
Excuse me, I don’t mean to
interrupt, but are you sure?
CUSTOMER
Am I sure?
ACTIVIST
Are you sure?
CUSTOMER
Am I sure about what?
DANTE
(to CUSTOMER)
Two fifty five.
ACTIVIST
Do you really want to buy those
cigarettes?
CUSTOMER
Are you serious?
ACTIVIST
How long have you been smoking?
Ratings
Scene 3 - Cancer Education
(to DANTE)
What is this, a poll?
DANTE
Beats me.
ACTIVIST
How long have you been a smoker?
CUSTOMER
Since I was thirteen.
The ACTIVIST lifts his briefcase onto the counter. He opens it and
extracts a sickly-looking lung model.
ACTIVIST
I’d say you’re about twenty nine,
thirty, am I right?
CUSTOMER
What the hell is that?
7.
ACTIVIST
That’s your lung. No, wait...
The ACTIVIST pulls some gummy-substance from the briefcase. He slaps it
onto the model - it represents cancer.
ACTIVIST
That’s your lung. By this time, your
lung looks like this.
CUSTOMER
(taken aback)
You’re shittin’ me.
ACTIVIST
You think I’m shitting you...
The ACTIVIST hands him something from the briefcase.
CUSTOMER
What’s this?
ACTIVIST
It’s a trach-ring. It’s what they
install in your throat when throat
cancer takes your voice box. This
one came out of a sixty year old
man.
CUSTOMER
(drops ring)
Unnhhh!
ACTIVIST
(picks ring up)
He smoked until the day he died.
Used to put the cigarette in this
thing and smoke it that way.
DANTE
Excuse me, but...
ACTIVIST
This is where you’re heading. A
cruddy lung, smoking through a hole
in your throat. Do you really want
that?
CUSTOMER
Well, if it’s already too late...
ACTIVIST
It’s never too late. Give those
cigarettes back now, and buy some
gum instead.
CUSTOMER
It ain’t the same.
8.
ACTIVIST
It’s cheaper than cigarettes. And it
beats this.
Hands him a picture.
CUSTOMER
Jesus!
ACTIVIST
It’s a picture of a cancer-ridden
lung. Keep it.
CUSTOMER
(to DANTE)
I’ll take gum instead.
DANTE
Fifty five.
ACTIVIST
You’ve made a wise choice. Keep up
the good work.
The CUSTOMER exits.
DANTE
Maybe you should take that coffee
outside.
ACTIVIST
I’ll drink it in here, thanks.
DANTE
If you’re going to drink it in here,
I’d appreciate it if you’d not
bother the customers.
ACTIVIST
Okay. Sorry about that.
Another CUSTOMER comes in.
CUSTOMER
Pack of Newport.
(looks at model)
What’s that?
ACTIVIST
This? How long have you been
smoking?
CUT TO:
9.
EXT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
A BLANK WALL
which JAY steps into the frame and leans against, followed by SILENT
BOB. SILENT BOB yawns; JAY checks his beeper, then does a makeshift slam
dance, spinning his arm and fake-hitting SILENT BOB.
JAY
Neh!
SILENT BOB adjusts his hat. JAY ties his shoe.
JAY
Did you bring change? The small
bills?
SILENT BOB checks his pocket and nods.
JAY
I feel good today, Silent Bob. We’re
gonna make some money! Neh! And then
you know what we’re going to do?
(to the tune of
‘Hello, I Love you’)
Me, and you, and my friend too, in
the bedroom, with girls with lots of
boobs!
(ends song)
We’re gonna get some ... PUSSY!
(screaming)
I’LL FUCK ANYTHING THAT MOVES!!!
(quieter)
Neh.
SILENT BOB points to something off screen.
JAY
(to OC)
What you looking at?! I’ll kick your
ass! Neh!
(to SILENT BOB)
Doesn’t that motherfucker still owe
me ten bucks?
SILENT BOB nods ‘yes’.
JAY
Tonight, you and me are going to rip
his fucking head out and swallow his
soul! Neh. Next time he tries to buy
a bag, remind me to cut it with
twigs and shit...and leafs. Neh.
People walk past. JAY smiles at them.
10.
JAY
(to people)
Wa sup?
(to SILENT BOB)
Damn, Silent Bob! You one rude
motherfucker! But you’re fucking
cute.
(slowly drops to knees)
I wanna take you in my mouth and
suckle you...
(makes blow job neck-jerks)
And then, I wanna line up three more
guys, and make like a circus seal...
JAY
makes blow job faces down an imaginary line of guys, looking quite like
a performing seal. He throws a little humming sound behind each nod. He
then hops up quickly.
JAY
Ewwwww! You fucking faggot! I fucking
hate guys!
(yelling)
I LOVE WOMEN!!
(Calmer)
Neh!
A GUYS comes up to them.
Guy
You selling?
Ratings
Scene 4 - Anti-Smoking Militants
(all business)
I got hits, hash, weed, blow, and
later on I’ll have ‘shrooms. We take
cash, or stolen Mastercard and Visa.
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
A SMALL CROWD
gathers around the ACTIVIST as he orates. It has become something of a
rally.
ACTIVIST
You’re spending, what? Twenty,
thirty dollars a week on cigarettes.
Listener 1
Forty.
Listener 2.
Fifty three.
11.
ACTIVIST
fifty three dollars. Tell me, would
you pay someone that much money
every week if after so many weeks
they were going to kill you? Because
that’s what you’re doing now, by
paying for the so-called privilege
to smoke!
Listener 3
We all gotta go sometime...
ACTIVIST
It’s that kind of mentality that
allows this cancer-producing
industry to thrive! Of course we’re
all going to die someday, but do we
have to pay for it? Do we have to
actually throw hard-earned dollars
on a counter and say "Please,
please, Mister Merchant of Death,
sir; please sell me something that
will fry my lungs and give me lousy
breath, and stink up my clothes,
and make me a social pariah."
Listener 4
It’s not that easy to quit.
ACTIVIST
Of course it’s not; not when you
have people like this mindless
cretin so happy and willing to sell
the packaged death to you!
DANTE
Hey, now wait a sec...
ACTIVIST
Oh, listen to him balk. Now he’ll
launch into his rap about how he’s
just doing his job; following
orders. Well, let me tell you about
another bunch of hate-mongers that
were just following orders: they
were called Nazis, and they
practically wiped a nation of people
from the Earth...just like
cigarettes are doing now! Cigarette
smoking is the new Holocaust, and
those that partake in the practice
of smoking or sell the wares that
promote it are the Nazis of the
nineties! They don’t care how many
people die from it! They smile as
you pay for your cancer sticks and
say ‘thank you’ of ‘have a nice
day’!
12.
DANTE
I think you’d better leave now.
ACTIVIST
you want me to leave?! Why?! Because
somebody is revealing the truth?!
Because somebody is showing you for
what you really are?!
DANTE
You’re loitering in here, and you’re
also casing a disturbance.
ACTIVIST
You’re the disturbance, friend! And
here...
(slaps a dollar on
the counter)
I’m buying some gum. There; I’m no
longer loitering, I’m a customer - a
customer engaged in a discussion
with other customers.
Listener 2
(to DANTE)
Yeah, now shut up so he can speak!
ACTIVIST
Oh, he’s scared now! He sees the
threat we present! He smells the
changes coming, and the loss of
sales when the non-smokers finally
demand satisfaction! We demand the
right to breathe clean air!
Listener 1
Yeah!
ACTIVIST
We want to abolish this heinous
practice, and if it means ruffling
the feathers of some convenience
store jerk, then so be it!
DANTE
That’s it. Everybody out.
ACTIVIST
We’re not moving! We have a right, a
constitutional right to assemble and
be heard!
DANTE
Yeah, but not in here.
13.
ACTIVIST
What better place than this? To
stamp it out, you gotta start at
the source!
DANTE
Like I’m responsible for all the
smokers!
ACTIVIST
The ones in Leonardo, yes! You
encourage their growth, their habit.
You’re the source in this area, and
we’re closing you down for good! For
good, cancer-merchant!
The small crowd begins to chant and jeer in DANTE’S face.
Crowd
Cancer-merchant! Cancer-Merchant!
Cancer-Merchant!
VERONICA
enters and surveys the mess.
THE CROWD
throws cigarettes at DANTE, pelting him in the face. Suddenly, a loud
blast is heard, and white powder explodes over the thrall. People run
screaming in all directions, mostly toward the door.
VERONICA
stands on one of the freezer cases, spraying the OC crowd with a fire
extinguisher.
VERONICA
Disperse! Disperse!
The crowd flows through the door, followed by the ACTIVIST.
ACTIVIST
(Pausing at the door)
You can’t kill all of us! You...
He is blasted in the face by some extinguisher gunk. He flees.
VERONICA
climbs off the freezer case and places the extinguisher next to DANTE.
DANTE is sitting on the floor, head in his folded arms.
VERONICA
God, I hate anti-smoking militants!
DANTE is silent.
VERONICA
"Thank you, Veronica; you saved me
from an extremely ugly mob scene."
DANTE remains silent.
14.
VERONICA
(sits beside him)
Okay, champ. What’s wrong.
DANTE lifts his head and shoots her a disgusted look.
VERONICA
Alright; stupid question. But don’t
you think you’re taking this a bit
too hard?
DANTE
Too hard?! I don’t have enough
indignities in my life - people
start throwing cigarettes at me!
VERONICA
At least they weren’t lit.
DANTE
I hate this fucking place.
VERONICA
Then quit. You should be going to
school anyway...
DANTE
Please don’t start, Veronica. Last
thing I need is a lecture at this
point.
VERONICA
All I’m saying is that if you’re
unhappy you should leave.
DANTE
I’m not even supposed to be here
today!
Ratings
Scene 5 - Hockey Game Conflict
I know. I stopped by your house and
your mom said you left at like nine
or something.
DANTE
Arthur got sick and I had to come
in.
VERONICA
Don’t you have a hockey game at
four?
DANTE
Yes! And I’m going to play like shit
because I didn’t get a good night’s
sleep!
15.
VERONICA
Why did you agree to come in then?
DANTE
I’m only here until two, then I’m
gone. The boss is coming in.
VERONICA
What time?
DANTE
Two, I said.
VERONICA
No, what time did you go to bed? You
left my house at ten thirty.
DANTE
I don’t know; like two thirty,
three.
VERONICA
What were you doing?
DANTE
(skirting)
Hunhh? Nothing.
VERONICA
(persistent)
What were you doing?
DANTE
Nothing! Jesus! I gotta fight with
you now?!
VERONICA
Who’s fighting? Why are you so
defensive?
DANTE
Who’s defensive? Just...Would you
just hug me?! Alright? Your
boyfriend was accosted by an angry
mob, and he needs to be hugged.
She stares at him.
DANTE
What?!
VERONICA
You’re trying to change the subject.
DANTE
What?
16.
VERONICA
You’re trying to change the skirt
something here, and I want to know
what it is.
DANTE
I’m not skirting anything.
VERONICA
Why did you go to be so late?
DANTE
Jesus! I don’t know! I was...
VERONICA
That psychotic called you.
DANTE
... just watching t.v.! What are
you...
VERONICA
I knew it! That fucking bitch called
you.
DANTE
...talking about? Nobody called me.
I was watching t.v.
VERONICA shakes her head angrily.
DANTE
What?! What is that?
VERONICA
She called you, didn’t she?
DANTE
Nobody called me! Would you...Would
you please hug me? I just went
through a very traumatic experience,
and I haven’t been having the best
day so far. Now come on.
VERONICA stares at him.
DANTE
What?! What’s with that look?! I
wasn’t talking to anybody,
especially her! Look at you, being
all sorts of... I don’t know...
stand-offish.
VERONICA looks away.
17.
DANTE
Fine. You don’t trust me, don’t hug
me. Now I see how it is. Alright,
little Miss Pissy-pants, you just go
on being suspicious and quiet. I
don’t even want to hug you at this
point.
VERONICA looks back at him.
DANTE
(pleadingly)
Give you a dollar?
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 6 - Counter Banter
A NOTE ON THE COUNTER
next to a small pile of money, reads:
PLEASE LEAVE MONEY ON THE COUNTER. TAKE
CHANGE WHEN APPLICABLE. BE HONEST.
DANTE AND VERONICA
are slumped on the floor, behind the counter. VERONICA holds DANTE in
her arms, his head on her chest. Change is heard hitting the counter.
DANTE
(to OC customer)
Thanks.
The door is heard opening and closing - a customer leaving.
VERONICA
How much money did you leave up
there?
DANTE
Like three dollars in mixed change
and a couple of singles. People only
get the paper or coffee this time of
morning.
VERONICA
You’re trusting.
DANTE
Why do you say that?
VERONICA
How do you know they’re taking the
right amount of change? Or even
paying for what they take?
DANTE
Theoretically, people see money on
the counter and nobody around, they
think they’re being watched.
18.
VERONICA
Honesty through paranoia.
DANTE
Yes, I’m testing my hypothesis
gauging the control groups response.
VERONICA
Kind of Pavlovian. Everyone probably
thinks we’re screwing back here.
DANTE
You think so? Next time someone
comes in, moan.
VERONICA
Why?
DANTE
Then people will think I’m a good
lover.
VERONICA
We wouldn’t want them to know the
truth.
DANTE
Nas-ty. Are you saying I’m not a
good lover?
VERONICA
You have your moments.
DANTE
(concerned)
I’m not a good lover?
VERONICA
Calm down. You’re a good lover.
DANTE
Am I a great lover?
VERONICA
I tell you: you are the greatest
composer known to me.
DANTE
You even sound like F. Murray
Abraham.
VERONICA
So what about you?
DANTE
I don’t sound like F. Murray
Abraham.
19.
VERONICA
You know what I mean. I’ve boosted
your ego, now boost mine.
DANTE
You as a lover? You do the job.
VERONICA
Thank you. A fist can ‘do the job’.
DANTE
Well what do you want me to say?
Women, as lovers, are all basically
the same. They just have to be
there.
VERONICA
‘ Be there’?
DANTE
Making a male climax is not all that
challenging; insert somewhere close
and preferably moist; thrust;
repeat.
VERONICA
How flattering.
DANTE
Now, making a woman cum...therein
lies a challenge.
VERONICA
Let’s here this.
DANTE
Every woman requires a different
technique; what works for some
doesn’t work for others. The
talented man is patient and
resourceful, applying various
maneuvers in an effort to discern
the exact procedure that brings a
woman to the heights.
VERONICA
Do you actually believe this stuff?
DANTE
Like bible truth.
VERONICA
I’m insulted. Believe me, Don Juan,
it takes a lot more than a wet hole
to get a guy off. Just ‘being there’
- as you put it- is not enough. It
requires some precision timing to
not cut the blood-engorged member on
canines and incisors.
20.
DANTE
(remembering)
Oh shit! I have a dentist
appointment on Wednesday.
VERONICA
And who do you think keeps the train
on track in the throes of passion?
If we left it up to you guys, you’d
fall out every other pull-back.
DANTE
This is a matter of pride with you.
VERONICA
It was astonishing to hear you
trivialize my role in our sex life.
DANTE
It wasn’t directed at you. I was
making a broad generalization.
VERONICA
You were making a generalization
about ‘broads’! You should hear your
Machiavellian self!
DANTE
These are my opinions based on my
experiences with the myriad females
goodly enough to sleep with me.
VERONICA
How many?
DANTE
How many what?
VERONICA
How many girls have you slept with?
DANTE
How many different girls? Didn’t we
already have this discussion once?
VERONICA
We might have; I don’t remember. How
many?
DANTE
Including you?
VERONICA
It better be up to and including me.
DANTE
(pause to count)
Twelve.
21.
VERONICA
You’ve slept with twelve different
girls?
DANTE
Including you; yes.
Pause. She slaps him.
DANTE
What the hell was that for?
VERONICA
You’re a pig.
DANTE
Why’d you slap me?
VERONICA
Do you know how many different men
I’ve had sex with?
DANTE
Do I get to slap you after you tell
me?
VERONICA
Three.
DANTE
Three?!
VERONICA
Three including you.
DANTE
You’ve only had sex with three
different people?
VERONICA
Because I’m not the pig you are.
DANTE
Who?
VERONICA
Who?
DANTE
No; who were the three besides me?
VERONICA
John Franson and Rob Stanslyk.
DANTE
That’s great. I can’t believe that.
22.
VERONICA
Believe it. Only three. And each of
them I dated for a long time before
even considering it.
DANTE
Who’re you kidding? We did stuff on
the first night!
VERONICA
Stuff, but not sex. We didn’t have
sex until four months into our
relationship, you and I.
DANTE
(thinking)
My god, you’re right.
Ratings
Scene 7 - Veronica's Bombshell
See?
DANTE
(with true admiration)
Wow. That’s great. That’s something
to be proud of.
VERONICA
I am. And that’s why you should feel
like a pig.
DANTE
Believe me, I do feel like a pig now.
VERONICA
You men make me sick. You’ll sleep
with anything that says yes.
DANTE
Animal, vegetable, or mineral.
VERONICA
Vegetable meaning paraplegic.
DANTE
They put up the least amount of
struggle.
VERONICA
After dropping a bombshell like
that, you owe me.
DANTE
How about I lock the door and pay
you back then?
VERONICA
In small change? I don’t think so.
23.
DANTE
Is that a jab at my penis? Is my
dick small. Because I’d really like
to know if it is.
VERONICA
It’s not a jab at your penis. God;
must everything be about sex with
you? You’re so uptight.
DANTE
Well, you said small change, so...
VERONICA
Yea, yeah, yeah. Anyway, I want you
to come with me on Monday.
DANTE
Where?
VERONICA
To school. There’s a seminar about
getting back into a scholastic
program after a lapse in enrollment.
DANTE
Can’t we ever have a discussion
without that coming up?
VERONICA
It’s important to me, Dante. You
have so much potential that just
goes to waste in this pit. I wish
you’d go back to school.
DANTE
Jesus, would you stop? you make my
head hurt when you talk about this.
VERONICA stands, letting DANTE’S head hit the floor.
DANTE
Shit! You slammed my head on the
floor...
VERONICA
I didn’t slam your head on the
floor.
DANTE
... riddling my cranium with
neurological damage. Why are we
getting up?
She extends her hand to him and pulls him up.
VERONICA
Unlike you, I have a class in forty
five minutes.
24.
A handsome young man (WILLIAM) is standing at the counter. VERONICA
reacts to him.
VERONICA
(surprised)
William! How are you?
WILLIAM
Ronnie! How are you? You work here
now?
VERONICA
(locks arms with DANTE)
No, I’m just visiting my man.
(to DANTE)
Dante, this is William Black.
(to William)
This is Dante Hicks, my boyfriend.
DANTE
How are you? Just the soda?
WILLIAM
And a pack of Marlboro too.
(to Veronica; paying)
Are you still going to Seton Hall?
VERONICA
No, I transferred into Monmouth this
year. I was tired of missing him.
(squeezes DANTE’S arm)
WILLIAM
Do you still talk to Sylvan?
VERONICA
I just talked to her on Monday. We
still hang out on weekends.
WILLIAM
(leaving)
That’s cool. Tell her I said hi.
VERONICA
I will. Take it easy.
WILLIAM
Bye.
(exits)
VERONICA
Bye.
(under her breath)
Snowball.
DANTE
Why do you say that?
25.
VERONICA
Sylvan and I used to call him
snowball all the time. It’s a
blowjob thing.
DANTE
What do you mean?
VERONICA
After he gets a blowjob, he likes to
have the cum spit back into his
mouth while kissing. It’s called
snowballing.
DANTE
He requested this?!
VERONICA
He gets off on it. It’s not like
he’s gay or anything. He just likes
the taste of his own cum.
DANTE
That’s strange! And Sylvan did that
for him?
VERONICA
(confused)
Sylvan? No; I snowballed him.
DANTE
Yeah, right.
VERONICA
I’m serious.
A moment of silence as DANTE’S chuckles fade to comprehension.
DANTE
You sucked his dick?!
VERONICA
Yeah. How do you think I knew he
liked...
DANTE
(panicky)
But...but you said you only had sex
with three guys! You never mentioned
him!
VERONICA
That’s because I never had sex with
him!
DANTE
You just sucked his dick!?!
26.
VERONICA
We went out a few times. It wasn’t
like I met him and my head started
bobbing!
DANTE
(massive panic attack)
Oh my God! My God! Why did you tell
me you only slept with three guys!?!
VERONICA
Because I did only sleep with three
guys! That doesn’t mean I never went
with anyone else, or just fooled
around.
DANTE
I feel nauseous.
VERONICA
I’m sorry Dante. I thought you
understood.
Ratings
Scene 8 - Dante and Veronica's Argument
I did understand! I understood that
you slept with three different guys,
and that’s all you said.
VERONICA
Please calm down.
DANTE
How many?
VERONICA
Dante...
DANTE
How many dicks have you sucked?!
VERONICA
Let it go...
DANTE
HOW MANY?!?
VERONICA
Alright! Shut up a second and I’ll
tell you! Jesus! I didn’t freak like
this when you told me how many girls
you fucked.
DANTE
This is different. This is
important. How many?!
She counts in her head, holding up the occasional finger as a mark.
DANTE waits on a customer in the interim. Then another. VERONICA stops
counting.
27.
DANTE
Well...?
VERONICA
(half-mumbled)
Something like thirty six.
DANTE
WHAT?! SOMETHING LIKE THIRTY SIX?!!
VERONICA
Lower your voice!
DANTE
What the hell is that anyway,
‘something like thirty six’?! Does
that include me?!
VERONICA
Um. Thirty seven.
DANTE
I’M THIRTY SEVEN!?!
VERONICA
(walking away)
I’m going to class.
DANTE
Thirty seven?!
(to CUSTOMER)
My girlfriend sucked thirty seven
dicks?
CUSTOMER
In a row?
Dante chases VERONICA down and grabs her by the door.
DANTE
Wait a minute! Where are you going?!
VERONICA
I’m going to class, Dante! Before
you humiliate me even more.
The CUSTOMER exits.
DANTE
I can’t believe this!
VERONICA
Hey listen, jerk! I never said I was
a pristine virgin! Until today you
never even knew how many guys I’d
slept with, because you never
bothered to ask. And then you act
all nonchalant about fucking twelve
different girls. Well I never had
sex with twelve different guys!
28.
DANTE
No, but you sucked enough dick!
VERONICA
Yeah, I sucked dick a few times...
DANTE
A few?!?
VERONICA
...And one of those dicks was yours!
The last one, I might add, which -
if you’re too stupid to comprehend -
means that I’ve been faithful to you
since we met! All the other guys I
went with before I met you, so if
you want to have a complex about it,
go ahead! But don’t look at me like
I’m the town whore, because you were
plenty busy yourself, before you met
me!
DANTE
(a bit more rational)
Well...why did you have to suck
their dicks? Why didn’t you just
sleep with them, like any decent
person?!
VERONICA
Because going down isn’t a big deal!
It’s like kissing for me. I used to
like a guy, we’d make out, and
sooner or later, I’d go down on him.
But I only had sex with people I was
in love with.
DANTE
I feel sick.
VERONICA
(holds him)
I love you. Don’t feel sick.
DANTE
Every time I kiss you know I’m going
to taste thirty six other guys.
VERONICA violently lets go of him.
VERONICA
I’m going to school. Maybe later
you’ll be a bit more rational.
DANTE
(pause)
Thirty seven. I just can’t...
29.
VERONICA
Goodbye, Dante.
She exits in a huff. DANTE stands there in a silence for a moment. Then
he swings the door open and yells out.
DANTE
Try not to suck anymore dicks on
your way through the parking lot!
Two men were walking in the opposite direction outside, double back and
head in the direction VERONICA went.
DANTE
HEY! HEY, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HER!
DANTE races after them.
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
A VIDEO CASSETTE
encased in the customary black box, flips repeatedly, held by an
impatient grasp.
THE IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
glares at DANTE. Dante studies a copy of ‘Paradise Lost’, making a
strong attempt at not noticing the glare.
IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
(pissed off)
I thought that place was supposed to
be opened at eleven o’clock? It’s
twenty after!
DANTE
I called his house twice already. He
should be here soon.
IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
It’s not like it’s a demanding job.
I’d like to get paid to sit around
and watch t.v. The other day I
walked in there and that sonofabitch
was sleeping.
DANTE
I’m sure he wasn’t asleep.
IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
You calling me a liar?
DANTE
No; he was probably just resting his
eyes.
30.
IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
What the hell is that? Resting his
eyes?! It’s not like he’s some god
damned air-traffic controller!
Ratings
Scene 9 - Video Store Banter
Actually, that’s his night job.
IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
Such a smartass. But go ahead. Crack
wise. That’s why you’re jockeying a
register in a fucking convenience
store instead of doing an honest
day’s work.
DANTE
Words like daggers.
IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
I got no more time to bullshit
around waiting for that sonofabitch.
(tosses tape on counter)
You make sure this gets back. The
number’s eight twelve - Wynarski.
And I wanted to get a damn movie
too.
DANTE
If you’ll just tell me the title of
your rental choice, I’ll have him
hold it for you when he comes in.
IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
Don’t bother. I’m going to Big
Choice Video instead.
He storms out. Dante lifts a ring of keys from the counter.
DANTE
(in a whisper)
You forgot your keys.
THE HALF-FILLED TRASH CAN
swallows the ring of keys.
CUT TO:
EXT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
ANOTHER VIDEO-ANXIOUS CUSTOMER
leans against the video store door. A hapless RANDAL drifts by and
stops. He glances at the door, peers inside, and gives the door a tug.
V.A. CUSTOMER
The guy ain’t here yet.
RANDAL
You’re kidding. It’s almost eleven
thirty!
31.
V.A. CUSTOMER
I know. I’ve been here since eleven.
RANDAL
(kicks the door)
Man! I hate it when I can’t rent
videos!
(punches glass)
V.A. CUSTOMER
I would’ve went to Big Choice, but
the tape I want is right there on
the wall.
RANDAL
Which one?
V.A. CUSTOMER
‘Dental School’.
RANDAL
You came for that too? That’s the
movie I came for.
V.A. CUSTOMER
I have first dibs.
RANDAL
Says who?
V.A. CUSTOMER
I’ve been waiting here for half an
hour. I’d call that first dibs. It’s
only fair.
RANDAL
Life isn’t fair. And neither is the
cutthroat world of video renting.
V.A. CUSTOMER
(not amused)
Whatever. But that tape is mine.
RANDAL
(relenting)
Relax. The tape is your’s.
V.A. CUSTOMER
You’re damn right it is. Nothing
short of God is going to stop me
from getting that tape.
RANDAL
(taken aback)
Well! We’ll just see what the guy in
charge says when he finally shows up
to open, won’t we?
32.
Randal walks away. The VERY ANXIOUS CUSTOMER stands like a sentry at a
post. The IMPATIENT CUSTOMER storms up.
IMPATIENT CUSTOMER
You see a pair of keys lying around
here somewhere?
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
RANDAL
dances in, attempting a soft-shoe routine. He sees DANTE and stops dead,
mid-shuffle.
DANTE
You’re late.
RANDAL
What the hell are you doing here? I
thought you were playing hockey at
four.
DANTE
The boss called at nine. Arthur fell
ill.
RANDAL
No shit. I’m glad he didn’t call me.
DANTE
He did call you. He said it sounded
like you were in bed with another
man.
RANDAL
If I’d known you were working, I
would’ve come even later.
A PILE OF VIDEO CASSETTES
is piled onto the counter, with a single key atop.
DANTE
(OC)
Well, you were missed, I assure you.
The locals are screaming for your
blood.
RANDAL
balances the pile of tapes on his head.
RANDAL
What time do you have to stay ‘til?
DANTE
He assured me that he’d be here by
two.
33.
RANDAL
The boss?! Shit, man! How am I
supposed to get some sleep?
DANTE
Go open the store. I don’t want to
see the town draw and quarter you.
CUT TO:
EXT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
THE VERY ANXIOUS CUSTOMER
now sits on the ground, next to the video store door. RANDAL balances
his burden and shoves the key into the lock. The Very Anxious Customer
stares as Randal enters the store. The door closes behind him, only to
be held ajar in a gentlemanly fashion a few moments later by Randal. He
smiles and hums pleasantly, as the woman rises and enters.
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
A COFFEE FILTER
is shoved into the metal pan and ground coffee heaps upon it. We’ve seen
this same routine before.
DANTE
crosses back to his post, as RANDAL enters, tossing the key into the air
happily and catching it.
RANDAL
Some guy just came in refusing to
pay late fees. He said the store was
closed for two hours yesterday. I
tore up his membership.
DANTE
Shocking abuse of authority.
RANDAL
I lord over the video selections of
this one-horse town.
RANDAL
Don’t let it go to your head.
RANDAL
Now I know why there has always been
an aristocracy; a monarchy. I can
appreciate the philosophy of the
ruling class.
DANTE
You work in a video store. And
badly, I might add.
RANDAL
Want something to drink? I’m buying.
34.
Randal adjusts a container full of licorice.
RANDAL
pulls a soda from the cooler.
Ratings
Scene 10 - The Caitlin Dilemma
Who was on your phone this morning
at about two thirty? I was trying to
call for a half an hour. I wanted to
use your car.
He walks by a row of snacks and grabs one without looking at it.
RANDAL
Snack cake?
DANTE
climbs into his seat behind the register. RANDAL grabs a paper and joins
him behind the counter, sitting on a stack of magazines.
DANTE
You don’t want to know.
RANDAL
Again? That girl’s got balls of
steel.
DANTE
Caitlin calls all the time lately.
RANDAL
Do you ever tell Veronica?
DANTE
One fight a day with Veronica is
about all I can stomach, thanks.
RANDAL
What do you fight about?
DANTE
I guess it’s not really fighting.
She just wants me to leave here, go
back to school, get some direction,
shave...
RANDAL
Shave?
DANTE
It chafes.
RANDAL
I’ve heard that before.
(opening paper)
I’ll bet the most frequent topic of
arguments is Caitlin Bree.
DANTE
You win.
35.
RANDAL
I’m going to offer you some advice
my friend, and I don’t want you to
take this the wrong way; remove all
thoughts of Caitlin Bree from your
consciousness. You’ve been with
Veronica for how long now?
DANTE
Seven months.
RANDAL
All the points she made - with the
exception of the shaving request -
are comments only made by someone
who cares.
DANTE
Or someone who whines.
RANDAL
How long did you date Caitlin?
DANTE
Five years.
RANDAL
Chick only made you miserable. She
cheated on you how many times?
DANTE
Eight, almost nine.
RANDAL
(looks up from paper)
Almost nine? What does that mean?
DANTE
We were at a party senior year and I
got blitzed and passed out in a
bedroom. Caitlin comes in and dives
all over me. Tells me to take her
from behind.
RANDAL
You’re kidding.
DANTE
I tell you, it was the most
incredible sex we ever had. It was
fantastic.
RANDAL
Where’s the cheating come in?
DANTE
In the middle of it, she calls me
Brad.
36.
RANDAL
She called you Brad?
DANTE
She called me Brad.
RANDAL
That’s not cheating. People say
crazy shit during sex. One time, I
called Samantha ‘Mom’.
DANTE
I hit the lights, and she freaks.
Turns out she thought I was Brad
Jobran.
RANDAL
What do you mean?
DANTE
She was going to cheat on me, and
she was supposed to meet Brad Jobran
in a bedroom. She picked the wrong
one.
RANDAL
On my God.
DANTE
Great story, isn’t it?
RANDAL
That girl was vile to you.
DANTE
Interesting post-script to that
story: do you know who wound up
going with Brad Jobran in the other
dark bedroom?
RANDAL
Your mother.
DANTE
Allan Harris.
RANDAL
Chess team Allan Harris?!
DANTE
The two moved to Idaho together
after graduation. They raise sheep.
RANDAL
That’s frightening.
DANTE
Yeah, well, different strokes...
37.
RANDAL
In light of this lurid tale, I don’t
see how you could even romanticize
your relationship with Caitlin - the
demon/bitch that broke your heart
and inadvertently drove men to
deviant lifestyles.
DANTE
Because there was a lot of good in
our relationship.
RANDAL
Oh yeah.
DANTE
I’m serious. Aside from the
cheating, we were a great couple.
But that’s what high school’s all
about - Algebra, bad lunch, and
infidelity.
RANDAL
You think things would be any
different now?
DANTE
They are. When she calls me now,
she’s a different person - she’s
frightened and vulnerable. She’s
about to finish college and enter
the real world. That’s got to be
scary for anyone.
RANDAL
We’re in the real world; it’s not
scary.
DANTE
No, but we’re used to it now.
Caitlin’s been cloistered away in a
campus life for four years. It’s
gotta be frightening to leave that
behind.
RANDAL
(reading)
A store got robbed in Hazlet.
DANTE
I’m talking to myself here.
RANDAL
No, no I’m listening. She’s leaving
college....
38.
DANTE
...and she’s looking to me for
support. And I think that this bond
of trust is leading our relationship
to a new level. And it’s going to be
hard to allow that relationship to
blossom if I’m involved with
Veronica.
RANDAL
So that’s why all the arguments?
DANTE
I think so. I think it’s some kind
of manifestation of a subconscious
desire to break away from Veronica
so that I can pursue the possibility
of a more meaningful relationship
with Caitlin.
RANDAL
Caitlin’s on the same wave-length?
DANTE
I think it’s safe to say yes.
RANDAL
Then I think all four of you had
better sit down and talk it over.
DANTE
All four of us?
RANDAL
You, Veronica, Caitlin...
(lays paper flat)
...and Caitlin’s fiancé.
THE HEADLINE
of the Engagement Announcement reads ‘BREE TO MARRY ASIAN DESIGN MAJOR’.
CUT TO:
INTO VIDEO STORE - DAY
RANDAL
dials the phone. He holds a list in his hand.
Ratings
Scene 11 - Video Store Shenanigans
Yes, I’d like to place an order,
please...Thank you.
A MOTHER and her SMALL CHILD approach the counter.
MOTHER
Excuse me, but do you sell video
tapes?
39.
RANDAL
We have a limited selection in the
store, but I can order any title we
don’t have. What were you looking
for?
SMALL CHILD
Happy Scrappy!
MOTHER
(smiling)
It’s called ‘Happy Scrappy - The
Hero Pup’.
SMALL CHILD
Happy Scrappy!
RANDAL
I’m on the phone with the
distribution house now. Let me make
sure they have it. What’s it called
again?
MOTHER
‘Happy Scrappy - The Hero Pup’.
SMALL CHILD
Happy Scrappy!
MOTHER
(more smiling)
She loves the tape.
RANDAL
Obviously.
(to phone)
Yes, hello this is R.S.T. Video
calling. Customer number four, three
, five, zero, two , nine. I’d like
to place an order... Okay...
(reading from the list)
I need one of each of the following
tapes ; ‘Whisper on the Wind’ , ‘To
Each His Own’, ‘Put It Where It
Doesn’t Belong’, ‘My Pipes Need
Cleaning’, ‘ All Tit-Fucking, Vol.
Eight’, ‘ I Need Your Cock’, ‘Ass-
Worshipping Rim Jobbers’, ‘ My Cunt
and Eight shafts’, ‘Cum Clean’, ‘Cum
Gargling Naked Sluts’, ‘ Cum Buns
Three’, ‘Cumming in a Sock’, ‘Cum on
Eileen’, ‘ Huge Black Cocks with
Pearly White Cum’, ‘Slam It Up My
Too-Loose Ass’, ‘ Ass Blasters in
Outer Space’, ‘Blowjobs by Betsy’,
‘Sucking Cock and Cunt’, ‘ Finger My
Ass’, ‘Play with my Puss’, ‘ Three
on a Dildo’, ‘ Girls Who Crave
Dicks’, ‘ Girls Who Crave Cunt’,
‘Men Alone Two - The K.Y.
Connection’, ‘ Pink Pussy Lips’, and
‘All Holes Filled with Hard Cock’.
Oh, and ...
(to Mother)
What was the name of that movie?
40.
MOTHER
(nearly dazed)
‘Happy Scrappy - The Hero Pup’.
RANDAL
(to phone)
And a copy of ‘Happy Scrappy - The
Hero Pup’ ....Okay, thanks.
(hangs up; to MOTHER)
Sixteen forty nine. It’ll be here
Monday.
Silence. Then...
CHILD
Cunt!
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
DANTE
is on the phone.
DANTE
Yes, I’d like to check on a misprint
or error in today’s edition...
Today’s edition...It says Bree to
wed Asian Design Major...In the
announcements column... No, no;
everything’s spelled fine. I just
wanted to know if the piece was a
misprint or something...I don’t
know, like a typographical error or
something...Maybe it’s supposed to
be Caitlin Bray, or Caitlin Bree,
with one ‘e’...I’m a curious party
...A curious party...I’m an ex-
boyfriend...Well, it’s just that we
talk all the time, and she never
mentioned this engagement, which is
why I’m thinking maybe it’s a
misprint....Are you sure?... Maybe
there’s like a vindictive printer
working for you...Meaning like
someone who maybe - I don’t know -
asked her out once and got shot
down, and his revenge is throwing
this bogus article in when the
paper went to press...Hello?...
Hello?
DANTE hangs up. He looks at the paper ruefully, shaking his head. He
walks back to the counter and begins ringing up an order (BUYER), which
includes fabric softener; a REFLECTIVE customer stares at the fabric
softener.
DANTE
(to BUYER)
Eight twelve.
The Buyer digs for the change and then abruptly turns attention to
REFLECTIVE.
41.
BUYER
What the hell are you looking at?
REFLECTIVE
(caught off-guard)
Hunhh? Oh sorry.
BUYER
What, is there something on my
shirt, or...
REFLECTIVE
No, no. I was just staring at your
fabric softener and I kind of...
BUYER
Noticed what a rip off this store
is?
REFLECTIVE
No, I was thinking about this kitten
my family had when I was nine.
INSERT
Quick shot of kitten.
BUYER
(hands DANTE money)
Kitten?
REFLECTIVE
Scruples. Our neighbor’s cat had
kittens and we adopted one. We named
him Scruples.
BUYER
(to DANTE)
I think I have the change in my
pocket.
REFLECTIVE
That kitten loved to sleep. It was
the only kitten I’ve ever seen that
didn’t want to run and play and all
that shit. It just liked to sleep.
INSERT:
Quick shot of kitten sleeping.
BUYER
(to DANTE)
Can I have a bag that that?
REFLECTIVE
See, the thing was, Scruples loved
to find weird places to crawl up in
and sleep. He’d crawl into a shoe
and sleep, or in a tupperware bowl.
He liked warm places.
42.
BUYER
(finding change)
Here it is.
REFLECTIVE
One morning, my mother was doing
laundry, you know? And she forgot
some whites in the hamper.
CUT TO:
INT LAUNDRY ROOM - DAY - FLASHBACK: A WOMAN
walks away from an open dryer, passing a kitten.
Ratings
Scene 12 - Pets and Prunes
So she goes to get them. And she
left the dryer door open, which was
really no big deal- she’d done it
thousands of times before.
THE KITTEN
stares at the open dryer.
OC REFLECTIVE
But we never had a kitten before.
THE WOMAN
grabs the clothes from the hamper.
OC REFLECTIVE
So while my mother is getting the
other laundry...
THE KITTEN
is halfway in the dryer.
OC REFLECTIVE
...Scruples was finding a new warm
place to sleep.
THE WOMAN
enters the kitchen with the whites. She drops them on the floor and
pulls the washed laundry from the washing machine. She reacts to the
phone and answers it, holding the laundry.
OC REFLECTIVE
And then my Aunt Kathy called, so my
mother wasn’t paying too much
attention to anything really.
She tosses the laundry into the dryer.
OC REFLECTIVE
It’s no big deal. I mean, who looks
in the dryer before they turn it on
anyway?
THE KITTEN
is quickly glimpsed from beneath wet clothes as the dryer door slams
shut.
43.
OC REFLECTIVE
The vet said it probably wasn’t that
painful.
A HAND
turns the dryer dial and presses the starting button.
OC REFLECTIVE
He said Scruples might have even
slept through it.
THE DRYER
slightly vibrates, performing it’s duties.
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
DANTE
and the Buyer stare more-or-less open-mouthed. The REFLECTIVE man gazes
into space.
REFLECTIVE
We never had another pet after that.
My mother was institutionalized
three years later.
(shakes off his fog)
Do you have dried prunes?
DANTE
(hands bag to BUYER)
Um...no. No, we’ve never had those.
REFLECTIVE
Damn. Okay, well thanks anyway.
(to BUYER)
If you’re going to use those things,
make sure...well, just be careful.
The REFLECTIVE man exits. DANTE and the BUYER stand in silence. The door
swings open and RANDAL leans in.
RANDAL
(excitedly)
Turn on Channel nine: Hermaphrodites!
CUT TO:
EXT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
JAY, SILENT BOB, AND OLAF
lean against the wall.
44.
JAY
I was in there, man. I was sliding
and slipping. And all the sudden she
comes out with "Don’t cum in me." It
ruined the mood, man. So then I
gotta pull out and spank it to get
it on. I fucking hate jerking off
when I don’t have to, dude. It’s the
biggest let-down. So I blow a nut on
her belly, and I get out of there,
just as my uncle walks in. And he’s
asking what we were doing, and I’m
like "Listening to c.d.’s and
talking". It was such a close call.
I tell you what, dude: I don’t care
if she is my cousin, I’m gonna knock
those boots again tonight.
TWO GIRLS join them
JAY
Oh shit; look who it is. The human
vacuum. Nynne!
GIRL 1
Scumbag, What are you doing?
JAY
Nothing. Just hanging out, talking
with Silent Bob and his cousin.
GIRL 1
(to SILENT BOB)
He’s your cousin?
JAY
Check this out, he’s from Russia.
GIRL 1
No way.
JAY
I sweat to God. Silent Bob, am I
lying?
SILENT BOB shakes his head ‘no’.
JAY
See? And Silent Bob never told a lie
in his life.
Girl 2
What part of Russia?
JAY
I don’t fucking know. What am I, his
biographer?
(to OLAF)
Olaf: What part of Russia are you
from?
OLAF looks quizzically at SILENT BOB.
45.
Silent Bob
(in Russian)
Home.
OLAF
(comprehending)
Moscow.
GIRL 1
He only speaks Russian?
JAY
He knows some English, but he can’t
not say it good like we do.
Girl 2
Is he staying here?
JAY
He’s moving to the big city next
week. Check this out: he wants to be
a metal singer.
GIRL 1
No way!
JAY
(to OLAF)
Olaf: Metal!
OLAF makes a metal face and strikes an air guitar chord.
JAY
(laughing)
That’s his fucking metal face. He
fucking kills me.
(to OLAF)
Olaf: girls nice?
OLAF looks the girls up and down.
OLAF
(in Russian)
Skrelnick.
JAY
(laughs)
That’s fucked up.
GIRL 1
What’d he say?
JAY
I don’t know, but he makes me laugh
man. he’s a fucking character.
Girl 2
He really wants to play metal?
46.
JAY
He’s got his own metal band back in
Moscow. I think it’s called ‘Fuck
Your Yankee Blue Jeans’ or something
like that.
GIRL 1
That doesn’t sound metal.
Ratings
Scene 13 - Berserker
You gotta hear him sing.
(to OLAF)
OLAF: Berserker!
OLAF laughs and shakes his head.
JAY
Come on, man. Sing ‘Berserker’!
Olaf laughs and shakes his head again.
Girl 2
Does he sing in English or Russian?
JAY
English.
(to OLAF)
Come on, man. Berserker! Girls like.
Think Olaf sexy.
OLAF
(relents)
Da. Da.
JAY
He’s gonna sing it. This is too
funny.
OLAF
(in broken English)
MY LOVE FOR YOU JUST LIKE A TRUCK
BERSERKER! WOULD YOU LIKE SOME
MAKING FUCK? BERSERKER!
JAY
(laughing)
That kills me!
GIRL 1
Did he say ‘making fuck’?
JAY
Wait, there’s more.
(to OLAF)
Olaf: sing...
(makes pot-smoking face)
OLAF
(nods in understanding)
MY LOVE FOR YOU IS LIKE ROCK
BERSERKER! WOULD YOU LIKE TO SMOKE
SOME POT? BERSERKER!
47.
CUT TO:
INT VIDEO STORE - DAY
RANDAL
leans back in his chair, staring up at the t.v. The theme to ‘Star Wars’
plays. He stands up, points the remote, clicks the t.v. off, and
ponders.
CUT TO:
EXT VIDEO STORE - DAY
RANDAL LOCKS THE DOOR
and walks away, while OLAF sings for the small crowd.
OLAF
MY LOVE FOR YOU IS TICKING CLOCK
BERSERKER! WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY
COCK? BERSERKER!
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
DANTE
is tugging at a can of Pringles potato chips. The can is stuck on a
MAN’S hand.
DANTE
You hold the counter and I’ll pull.
MAN
Usually I just turn the can upside
down.
DANTE
(pulling)
Maybe we should soap up your hand or
something.
MAN
(straining)
They oughta put some kind of warning
on these cans, like they do with
cigarettes.
DANTE
I think it’s coming now...
The can pops off and DANTE staggers back a few steps. The man rubs his
hand.
MAN
Thanks. I thought I was gonna have
to go to the hospital.
DANTE
I’ll throw this out. Precautionary
measure.
MAN
It stings a little.
48.
DANTE
A work of advice; sometimes it’s
best to let those hard to reach
chips go.
DANTE steps behind the counter.
MAN
Thanks.
The MAN exits as RANDAL enters. DANTE throws the canister away.
DANTE
You know that article is accurate?
Caitlin’s really engaged to an Asian
design major. Can you believe that?!
RANDAL
You know what I just watched?
DANTE
Me pulling a can off some moron’s
fist.
RANDAL
‘Return of the Jedi’.
DANTE
Didn’t you hear me? Caitlin really
is getting married.
RANDAL
Which did you like better: ‘Jedi’ or
‘The Empire Strikes Back’?
DANTE
(exasperated)
Unhh!
(changing subject)
Empire.
RANDAL
Blasphemy.
DANTE
‘Empire’ had the better ending; Luke
gets his hand cut off, and find out
Vader’s his father; Han gets frozen
and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends
on such a down note. And that’s life
- a series of down endings. All
‘Jedi’ had was a lot of muppets.
RANDAL
There was something else going on in
‘Jedi’. I never noticed it until
today.
RANDAL follows DANTE as he cleans up around the store.
DANTE
What’s that?
49.
RANDAL
Alright, Vader’s boss...
DANTE
The Emperor.
RANDAL
Right; the Emperor. Now the Emperor
is kind of a spiritual figure, yes?
DANTE
How do you mean?
RANDAL
Well, he’s like the pope for the
dark side of the Force. He’s a holy
man; a shaman, kind of, albeit an
evil one.
DANTE
I guess.
RANDAL
Now, he’s in charge of the Empire.
The entire imperial government is
under his control. And the entire
galaxy is under Imperial rule.
DANTE
Yeah.
RANDAL
Then wouldn’t that logically mean
that it’s a theocracy? If the head
of the Empire is a priest of some
sort, then it stands to treason that
the government is therefore one
based on religion.
DANTE
It would stand to reason, yes.
RANDAL
Hence, the Empire was a fascist
theocracy, and the rebels forces
were therefore battling religious
persecution.
DANTE
More of less.
RANDAL
The only problem is that at no point
in this series did I ever hear Leia
or any of the Rebels declare a
particular religious belief.
50.
DANTE
Just because they were fighting the
theocratic Empire, that doesn’t
necessarily mean they themselves
ascribed to any particular faith.
Maybe they just wanted freedom to
choose any religion they wanted.
Ratings
Scene 14 - Contractors and Politics
You know what else I noticed in
‘Jedi’?
DANTE
There’s more?
A BLUE COLLAR MAN enters and heads to the coffee machine.
RANDAL
Oh yes. So they build another Death
Star, right?
DANTE
Yeah.
RANDAL
Now the last one they built was
completed and fully operational
before the Rebels destroyed it.
DANTE
Luke blew it up. Give credit where
it’s due.
RANDAL
And this one was still being built
when the rebels blew it up.
DANTE
Lando Calrissian did that one.
RANDAL
There was something that never sat
right with me the second time they
destroyed it. I could never put my
finger on it - something didn’t sit
right about it the second time
around.
DANTE
And you figured is out?
RANDAL
Well, the thing is, the first Death
Star was manned by the Imperial
army; stormtroopers, dignitaries -
the only people on board were
Imperials.
DANTE
Basically.
51.
RANDAL
So when they blew it up, no prob.
Evil is punished.
DANTE
And the second time around....?
RANDAL
The second time around, it wasn’t
even finished yet. They were still
under construction.
DANTE
So?
RANDAL
The Death Star doesn’t just build
itself. People have to build it. And
do you think only Imperials were
building it.
DANTE
Of course.
RANDAL
Wrong, my friend. A construction job
of that magnitude would require a
helluva lot more manpower. I’ll bet
there were independent contractors
working on that thing: plumbers,
aluminum siders, roofers.
DANTE
Please.
RANDAL
Think about it, Dante. In order to
get it built quickly and quietly
they'd hire anybody who could do the
job. Do you think the average storm
trooper knows how to install a
toilet main? All they know is
killing and white uniforms.
DANTE
All right, so even if independent
contractors are working on the
Death Star, why are you uneasy with
its destruction?
RANDAL
All those innocent contractors
hired to do a job were killed-
casualties of a war they had
nothing to do with.
(notices Dante's confusion)
All right, look-you're a roofer,
and some juicy government contract
comes your way; you got the wife
and kids and the two-story in
suburbia-this is a government
contract, which means all sorts of
benefits. All of a sudden these
left-wing militants blast you with
lasers and wipe out everyone within
a three-mile radius.
52.
You didn't ask for that. You have
no personal politics. You're just
trying to scrape out a living.
The BLUE-COLLAR MAN joins them.
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Excuse me. I don't mean to
interrupt, but what were you
talking about?
RANDAL
The ending of Return of the Jedi.
DANTE
My friend is trying to convince me
that any contractors working on the
uncompleted Death Star were innocent
victims when the space station was
destroyed by the rebels.
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Well, I'm a contractor myself. I'm
a roofer...
(digs into pocket and
produces business card)
Dunn and Reddy Home Improvements.
And speaking as a roofer, I can say
that a roofer's personal politics
come heavily into play when choosing
jobs.
RANDAL
Like when?
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Three months ago I was offered a
job up in the hills. A beautiful
house with tons of property. It was
a simple reshingling job, but I was
told that if it was finished within
a day, my price would be doubled.
Then I realized whose house it was.
DANTE
Whose house was it?
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Dominick Bambino's.
RANDAL
"Babyface" Bambino? The gangster?
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
The same. The money was right, but
the risk was too big. I knew who he
was, and based on that, I passed
the job on to a friend of mine.
DANTE
Based on personal politics.
53.
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Right. And that week, the Foresci
family put a hit on Babyface's
house. My friend was shot and
killed. He wasn't even finished
shingling.
RANDAL
No way!
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
(paying for coffee)
I'm alive because I knew there were
risks involved taking on that
particular client. My friend wasn't
so lucky.
(pauses to reflect)
You know, any contractor willing to
work on that Death Star knew the
risks. If they were killed, it was
their own fault. A roofer listens
to this...
(taps his heart)
not his wallet.
The Blue-Collar Man exits. Dante and Randal remain
respectfully quiet for a moment. An angry WOMAN opens the
door and pokes her head in.
WOMAN
Is that video store open or not?
CUT TO:
INT VIDEO STORE - DAY
RANDAL
reads a newspaper, tipping his chair back. An INDESCISIVE CUSTOMER
studies the two rental choices she holds. She looks from one movie to
the other, repeatedly.
Ratings
Scene 15 - Indecisive Customer
(attempting to solicit help)
They say so much, but they never
tell you if it’s any good.
RANDAL hardly stirs and continues to read his paper. The INDECISIVE
CUSTOMER half turns to see if her comment was even heard. She tries
again, but this time with a different approach.
I.C.
Are either of these any good?
RANDAL continues to read. The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER tries harder.
I.C.
(louder and more direct)
Sir!
RANDAL continues to read.
RANDAL
(flatly)
What?
54.
THE INDECISIVE CUSTOMER holds up her rental choices.
I.C.
(politely)
Are either of these any good?
RANDAL as always, reads on.
RANDAL
(again, flatly)
I don’t watch movies.
The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER is a tad flabbergasted, but not put off.
I.C.
Well, have you heard anything about
either of them?
RANDAL does his level-headed best to not get involved.
RANDAL
(reading)
No.
The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER challenges him.
I.C.
(in disbelief)
You’ve never heard anybody say
anything about either movie?
RANDAL (OC)
I find it best to stay out of other
people’s affairs.
I.C.
(with a new determination)
Well, how about these two movies?
(holds the same two)
RANDAL continues to read his paper, not looking up.
RANDAL
They suck.
The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER smirks smugly at Randal and his paper. She has
caught him.
I.C.
I just held up the same two movies.
You’re not even paying attention.
RANDAL
No, I’m not.
I.C.
I don’t think your manager would
appreciate...
RANDAL
(turning the page)
I don’t appreciate your ruse, ma’am.
55.
I.C.
I beg your pardon!
RANDAL
(reading on)
Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to
trick me.
I.C.
(defending herself)
I only pointed out that you weren’t
paying any attention to what I was
saying.
RANDAL
(turning page and reading)
I hope it feels good.
I.C.
You hope what feels good?
RANDAL
I hope it feels so good to be right.
There is nothing more exhilarating
than pointing out the shortcomings
of other, is there, ma’am?
The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER wears a face that belies utter disbelief in the
audacity of this most lackadaisical video clerk. The unmoving newspaper
illustrates the total disinterest of the news-hungry Randal. The
INDECISIVE CUSTOMER shakes her head in disgust and throws the movies
back onto the wall.
I.C.
(in a huff)
Well this is the last time I ever
rent here...
RANDAL (OC)
You’ll be missed.
I.C.
(losing it altogether)
Screw you!
She storms out. The paper that Randal is reading lowers suddenly, and we
see that he is offended.
RANDAL
(a whisper of resentment)
Screw me?
He hops over the counter and whips the door open.
RANDAL
(calling after her)
You’re not allowed to rent here
anymore, you got that?!
Randal closes the door and stands there momentarily, totally appalled by
her exiting remark.
56.
RANDAL
(shaking his head)
Screw me!
He reaches behind the counter and grabs a ring of keys. Exiting, He
locks the door behind him from outside, gives it a tug to insure its
security, and storms off in the opposite direction of the woman.
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
DANTE
is staring, open-mouthed, at something OC. RANDAL hurls the door open
and immediately launches into his tirade.
RANDAL
You’ll never believe what this unruly
customer just said...
DANTE
(a hand up to urge
him to hush)
Wait.
RANDAL
(looking around)
She’s in here?
DANTE
This guy is going through all of the
eggs. Look.
AN ODD MAN
sits on the floor, surrounded by cartons of eggs, all opened. He grabs a
carton from the cooler case, pops it open, and examines each egg
carefully.
DANTE (OC)
This has been going on for twenty
minutes.
RANDAL AND DANTE
study the OC oddity.
RANDAL
What’s he looking for?
DANTE
He said he had to find a perfect
dozen.
RANDAL
Perfect dozen.
DANTE
Each egg has to be perfect.
RANDAL
The quest isn’t going well?
57.
DANTE
Obviously not. Look at all the
cartons that didn’t make the grade.
THE ODD MAN
holds an egg up to the light and studies it from several different
angles.
RANDAL (OC)
Why doesn’t he just mix and match?
DANTE (OC)
I told him that and he yelled at me.
RANDAL
snickers at his friend.
RANDAL
What did he say?
Ratings
Scene 16 - The Odd Egg Man
He said that not everyone took the
easy way out. he said it was
important to have standards. He said
nobody has pride anymore.
RANDAL
It’s not like you laid the eggs yourself.
DANTE
I’ll give him five more minutes and
then I’m calling the cops. I don’t
need this, man. I’m not even
supposed to be here today.
A SMOKER steps up to the counter.
Smoker
Pack of Newport, pack of Marlboro.
Dante manages to break his study of the OC oddity and searches for the
smokes. The smoker glances at Randal and then at the OC oddity.
THE ODD MAN
is spinning an egg on the floor.
The SMOKER
looks at RANDAL.
RANDAL
(still staring at
the ODD MAN)
I’m as puzzled as you, dude.
Smoker
(paying DANTE)
I’ve seen it before.
DANTE
You know that guy?
58.
Smoker
No; I’ve seen that behavior before.
Looking for the perfect carton of
eggs, right?
RANDAL
(a bit astonished)
Yeah. How’d you know?
Smoker
I’ll bet you a million bucks that
the guy’s a Guidance Counselor.
DANTE
Why do you say that?
Smoker
I was in Food City last year when
the same thing happened, different
guy though. Stock boy told me that
the guy had been looking through the
eggs for like half an hour, doing
all sorts of crazy endurance tests
and shit with them. I ask the kids
how come nobody called the manager,
and he says it happens twice a week,
sometimes more.
RANDAL
Get out of here.
Smoker
I kid you not. They call it Shell
Shock. Only happens with Guidance
Counselors for some reason. The kid
said they used to make a big deal
about it, but there’s no point.
THE ODD MAN
places a handkerchief over an egg on the floor. He quickly whisks the
handkerchief away to reveal the egg still sitting on the floor.
Smoker (OC)
He said they always pay for whatever
they break and then never bother
anybody.
DANTE
Randal, and the smoker stare at the OC man.
DANTE
Why Guidance Counselors?
Smoker
If your job served as little purpose
as theirs wouldn’t you lose it too?
RANDAL
Come to think of it, my Guidance
Counselor was kind of worthless.
59.
Smoker
(grabbing matches)
See? It’s important to have a job
that makes a difference, boys. That’s
why I’m a pollster.
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 17 - Conversations at the Convenience Store Counter
POV RANDAL - THE EMPTY COUNTER
and then a LITTLE GIRL comes into view, smiling and holding money. She
can’t be more than five.
Little Girl
(innocently)
Can I have a pack of cigarettes?
RANDAL
without looking up from his magazine, takes her money.
RANDAL
What kind?
Little Girl
Marlboro.
RANDAL completes the transaction, still reading. The LITTLE GIRL puts a
cigarette in her mouth. RANDAL hands her matches.
Little Girl
Thank you.
She skips away as DANTE returns to the counter holding a feather duster.
DANTE
Did you ever notice all the prices
in this place end with a nine. Damn
that’s eerie.
RANDAL
You know what the average jizz-
mopper makes per hour?
DANTE
What’s a jizz mopper?
RANDAL
He’s the guy in those nudie-booth
joints who cleans up after each guy
that jerks off.
DANTE
Nudie-booth?
RANDAL
You’ve never been in a nudie-booth?
DANTE
I guess not.
A female CUSTOMER pops items onto the counter, DANTE rings her up.
60.
RANDAL
Oh, it’s great. You step into this
little booth and there’s this window
between you and this naked woman,
and she puts on this little show for
like ten bucks.
DANTE
What kind of show?
RANDAL
Think of the weirdest things you’d
like to see a chick do. These chicks
do it all. They insert things into
any opening in their body... ANY
opening.
(to CUSTOMER)
He’s lead a very sheltered life.
DANTE
(indicating CUSTOMER)
Can we talk about this later?
RANDAL
And the jizz-mopper’s job is to
clean up the booths afterwards,
because practically everybody shoots
a load against the window, and I
don’t know if you know this, but cum
leaves streaks if you don’t clean it
right away.
CUSTOMER
(grabbing her bag,
disgusted)
This is the last time I come to this
place. You’re both foul-mouthed and
I find your conversation offensive.
The CUSTOMER stands silently, awaiting an apology.
RANDAL
Well, if you think that’s offensive...
RANDAL flips open the magazine’s centerfold - a graphic picture of a
woman with her vaginal lips and anus spread wide open.
RANDAL
... then check this out. I think you
can see her kidneys.
RANDAL checks out the centerfold wistfully. DANTE frantically apologizes
to the rapidly exiting CUSTOMER.
DANTE
Ma’am, ma’am, I’m sorry! Please,
wait a second, ma’am...
The door closes and the CUSTOMER is gone. DANTE turns on RANDAL.
DANTE
Why do you do things like that? You
know she’s going to come back and
tell the boss.
61.
RANDAL
I don’t care. That lady’s an
asshole. All of the people that come
in here are too uptight. This job
would be perfect if it weren’t for
the fucking customers.
DANTE
I’m gonna hear it tomorrow. "You
were talking dirty to the
customers?"
RANDAL
You gotta loosen up, my friend. You’d
feel a hell of a lot better if you’d
rip into the occasional customer.
DANTE
What for? They don’t bother me if I
don’t bother them.
RANDAL
Liar! Tell me there aren’t customers
that annoy the piss out of you on a
daily basis.
DANTE
There aren’t.
RANDAL
You pig. How can you lie like that.
Vent! Vent your frustration. Come
on; let’s hear it: who pisses you
off?
DANTE
(reluctantly)
It’s not really anyone per se, it’s
more of separate groupings.
RANDAL
Come on. Let it out.
DANTE
(pause)
The milk maids.
RANDAL
The milk maids?
INSERT - MILK HANDLER
A WOMAN pulls out gallon after gallon, looking deep into the cooler for
that perfect container of milk.
O.C. DANTE
The women that go through every
gallon of milk looking for a later
date. As if somewhere - beyond all
the other gallons - is a container
of milk that won’t go bad for like a
decade.
62.
END INSERT
RANDAL
See? I knew it. You’re unwinding.
That’s good. You’ve gotta let it
out, my friend. I’ll help you. You
know who I can do without? I could
do without the people in the video
store.
DANTE
Which ones?
RANDAL
All of them.
MONTAGE INSERT #1 - VIDEO JERKS
A series of people addressing the camera asking the dumb questions.
First
Do you have that one with the guy
who was in that movie that was out
last year?
Second
(in front of stocked
new release shelf)
Do you have any new movies in?
Ratings
Scene 18 - Annoying Customers and Personal Anecdotes
What would you get for a six year
old boy who chronically wets his
bed?
END INSERT
RANDAL
And they never rent quality flicks;
they always pick the most
intellectually devoid movie on the
rack.
MONTAGE INSERT #2 - "Ooooh!..."
An identical series of customers finding their ideal choices.
First
Ooooh! ‘Hook’!
Second
Oooh! ‘Navy Seals’!
Third
Ooooh! ‘Home Alone’!
END INSERT
RANDAL
It’s like in order to join, they
have to have an I.Q. less than their
shoe size.
63.
DANTE
You think you get stupid questions?
You should hear the barrage of
stupid questions I get.
MONTAGE INSERT #3 - DUMB QUESTIONS
A series of people standing in various locations throughout the
convenience store, asking truly dumb questions.
First
(holding coffee)
What do you mean there’s no ice? You
mean I gotta drink this coffee hot?!
Second
(holding up item from
clearly-marked ‘99¢’
display)
How much?
Third
(peeking in door)
Do you sell hub-caps?
END INSERT
RANDAL
(laughing)
Who asked you that?
DANTE
True story. I swear.
RANDAL
You know what people get to me in a
weird way? The people that buy
toilet paper.
DANTE
Toilet paper.
RANDAL
Yeah. Nobody comes to a convenience
store and pays two bucks for a roll
of toilet paper unless they’re in
dire need, you know?
MONTAGE INSERT #4 - IN DIRE NEED
Various shots of people approaching the counter in crouched, bent over,
and desperate strides, carrying toilet paper rolls.
OC Randal
And every time one of them comes up
to the counter, you just know that
either their shit’s on the way, or
it’s sitting there already.
END INSERT
DANTE
That bother you?
64.
RANDAL
I don’t know, I just find it kind of
tacky. It’s like, I then know,
without a doubt, what they’re going
to be doing in the next ten minutes.
A female customer places a box of tampons on the counter.
VERONICA
enters the store, carrying books and something covered with aluminum
foil.
VERONICA
Little help?
DANTE is suddenly by her side, taking the books from under her arm.
DANTE
What are you doing here? Why aren’t
you in class?
VERONICA
My afternoon class got canceled. I
stopped home and brought you some
lunch.
DANTE
What is it?
VERONICA
Peanut Butter and jelly with the
crusts cut off. What do you think it
is? It’s lasagna.
DANTE
Really?
(kisses her forehead)
You’re the best.
VERONICA
I’m glad you’ve calmed down a bit.
(to RANDAL)
Hi Randal.
OC Randal
(exaggeratively
impressed)
Thirty seven!
DANTE
(to OC)
Shut up!
(to Veronica)
Yes, I’ve calmed down. I’m still not
happy about it, but I’ve been able
to deal.
RANDAL makes loud slurping noises from OC.
DANTE
(to OC)
Why don’t you go back to the video
store?
65.
RANDAL walks past the two, and pats VERONICA on the head. He exits.
VERONICA
You had to tell him.
DANTE
I had to tell someone. He put it
into perspective.
VERONICA
What did he say?
DANTE
At least he wasn’t thirty six.
VERONICA
And that made you feel better?
DANTE
And he said most of them are college
guys I’ve never met or seen.
VERONICA
The ostrich syndrome; if you don’t
see it...
DANTE
...it isn’t there. Yes.
VERONICA
Thank you for being rational.
DANTE
Thank you for the lasagna.
VERONICA
I’m going to go back to school now.
DANTE
What time do you get finished?
VERONICA
Eight. But I have a sorority meeting
‘till nine, so I’ll be back before
you close. Can we go out and get some coffee?
DANTE
Good.
(kisses him)
I’ll see you when you close, then.
Enjoy the lasagna.
She exits. DANTE leans against the counter with his lasagna. RANDAL pops
his head in and makes the loud slurping noise again.
CUT TO:
EXT VIDEO STORE - DAY
A GIRL
tries to take the hat off JAY’S head. SILENT BOB eats a bagel. Another
GIRL looks on.
66.
GIRL 1
Come on! Let me wear it.
JAY
Fuck you.
Ratings
Scene 19 - Drug Dealing with Jay and Silent Bob
Fuck you! Let me wear your hat.
JAY
(to SILENT BOB)
This bitch is crazy.
(to GIRL)
You think I’m letting you touch
this, you got another thing coming.
Girl 2
Let the baby have his hat.
JAY
You’re the baby, and I’d sure like
to powder your ass. Nynne!
Girl 2
You wish.
GIRL 1
Come on Jay!
JAY
You want I should come on your back
or on your face? Neh.
GIRL 1
You’re fucking disgusting.
A LOST MAN approaches them.
Lost man
Excuse me, I was wondering if you
could help me?
JAY
(to GIRL 1)
Cut it out, this is business.
GIRL 1
(with moron face)
Oh yeah?!
JAY raises his hand as if to strike her. She cowers.
JAY
Neh!
(to LOST MAN)
What do you need?
Lost Man
I’m trying to find First Avenue in
Atlantic Highlands.
JAY
You want directions? Don’t you want
any weed?
67.
Lost Man
Um...no.
JAY
Tell you what: you buy a dime bag
offa me, and I’ll give you
directions.
Lost Man
Are you kidding?
JAY
(to SILENT BOB)
Silent Bob, do I kid about sales?
SILENT BOB shakes his head ‘no’.
JAY
See? And Silent Bob never told a lie
in his life.
Lost Man
I haven’t smoked pot in years.
JAY
Isn’t it time you went home again?
Celebrate the moments of your life.
Lost Man
(intrigued)
How much?
JAY
Fifteen.
Lost Man
Fifteen for a dime bag?!
JAY
This shit is strong, man. Two hits
and you’ll be fucked up. Two hits,
guaranteed, or your money back.
Lost Man
(relenting)
Alright.
(digs for cash)
JAY
(accepts cash, hands over weed)
Here you go.
(breaks into cop stance)
Alright freeze! D.E.A. agents,
undercover.
(to SILENT BOB)
Cuff him, Agent Bob!
(to LOST MAN)
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be
used against you in a court of law!
SILENT BOB moves menacingly toward the LOST MAN, reaching into his back
pocket, ostensibly for cuffs.
68.
Lost Man
(panicked)
Wait! Wait! What is this?!
JAY
(stopping)
Just kidding - NOI-NOI-NOI-NOIN!
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 20 - Hockey Game
RANDAL
is recommending titles to potential customers.
RANDAL
Alright, now if you’re really
feeling dangerous tonight, then
‘Smokey and the Bandit 3’ is the
movie you must rent.
CUSTOMER
(studying box)
This doesn’t even have Burt Reynolds
in it.
RANDAL
Hey, neither did ‘E.T.’; but that
was a great movie, right?
DANTE
opens the door and leans in.
DANTE
Can you come next door? I gotta make
a phone call.
RANDAL
(to DANTE)
‘Smokey 3’ : thumbs up, am I right?
DANTE
The best Burt-less movie ever made.
DANTE exits. RANDAL gives his customers the what-did-I-tell-you look.
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
THE CAT
lays on the counter. Pull back to reveal RANDAL as he rings up an order.
The CUSTOMER pets the cat, smiling.
CUSTOMER
Awww, he’s so cute. What’s his name?
RANDAL
Lenin’s Tomb.
Dolly over to DANTE, on the phone.
69.
DANTE
Hello, is Mister Rhabari there? This
is Dante...Did he say if he was on
his way here?...Here...The
Convenience store...I know, but the
other guy called out this morning
and Mister Rhabari asked me to cover
until he got here. He said he’s be
here by two, but it’s two o’clock
now, so I...Excuse me...Vermont?!!?
...When the hell was someone going
to tell me!?!?....He promised he was
coming by two!! ...I’ve got a hockey
game this afternoon!!!...Jesus...
When does he get back?!...TUESDAY!?!!
...You’ve gotta be fucking kidding
me?!!...I’m not even supposed to be
here today!!!...
(deep sigh)
So I’m stuck here till closing?...
This is just great...I just can’t
believe...I’m sorry, I didn’t mean
to yell at you...No...No, I’ll be
alright...Thanks...
He hangs up. RANDAL joins him.
RANDAL
Vermont?
DANTE
Can you believe that sonofabitch?
RANDAL
He didn’t mention it when he called
you this morning?
DANTE
Not a fucking word. Slippery shit.
RANDAL
So you’re stuck here all day?
DANTE
FUCK!
RANDAL
Why’d you apologize?
DANTE
What?
RANDAL
I heard you apologize. Why? You have
every right in the world to be mad.
DANTE
I know.
70.
RANDAL
That seems to be the leitmotiv in
your life; ever backing down.
DANTE
I don’t back down.
RANDAL
Yes you do. You always back down.
You assume blame that isn’t yours,
you come in when called as opposed
to enjoying your day off...you
buckle like a belt.
DANTE
You know what pisses me off the
most?
RANDAL
The fact that I’m right about your
buckling.
DANTE
I’m going to miss the game.
RANDAL
Because you buckled.
DANTE
Would you shut the hell up with that
shit? It’s not helping.
RANDAL
Don’t yell at me.
DANTE
Sorry.
RANDAL
See? There you go again.
DANTE
I can’t believe I’m going to miss
the game!
RANDAL
Join the club, man. I was going to
be stuck here while that no-talent
Headly played my position. Now at
least we’re stuck here together.
DANTE
Small consolation.
RANDAL
Misery loves company.
DANTE
You’ve got a customer.
71.
RANDAL walks away. DANTE shakes his head in frustration and picks up the
phone again.
DANTE
Hello...I can’t play today...I’m
stuck at work...I’m not scheduled,
but - just forget it. I can’t play
...Who else? Headly can’t play
either? Neither can Randal...Because
he’s working too, otherwise he’d be
in net...
RANDAL comes back.
DANTE
(getting an idea)
Wait a second. Do we have to play at
the park?...Hold On...
(to RANDAL)
Do you feel limber?
CUT TO:
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
TAPE
is rolled around the top of a stick.
LACES
are pulled tightly.
AN ORANGE BALL
is slapped back and forth by a blade.
THE HOCKEY PLAYERS
fill the convenience store. Some sit on the floor, lean against the
coolers, but all are either preparing or practicing.
RANDAL
enters, still wearing his equipment. DANTE skates to his side.
DANTE
(lifting his foot)
Pull my laces tighter.
RANDAL
(drops mitt and pulls laces)
I’ve gotta tell you, my friend: this
is one of the ballsiest moves I’ve
ever been privy to. I never would
have thought you capable of suck
blatant disregard for store policy.
DANTE
I told the guy I had a game today.
It’s his own fault.
RANDAL
No argument here. Insubordination
rules.
72.
DANTE
Well I appreciate that, but I don’t
deserve accolades. I’m not making
any statements with this thing, I
just want to play hockey like I was
scheduled to.
SANFORD skates up and skids to a halt.
DANTE
Don’t skid! I gotta mop this.
Sanford
Dante, let me grab a Gatorade.
DANTE
If you grab a Gatorade, then
everyone’s going to grab one.
Sanford
So?
DANTE
So? So nobody’s going to want to pay
for these Gatorades.
Sanford
What do you care?
DANTE
I’ve got a responsibility here. I
can’t let everybody grab free
drinks.
Sanford
What responsibility? You’re closing
the fucking store to play hockey in
the parking lot.
RANDAL
He’s blunt, but he’s got a point.
DANTE
At least let me maintain a semblance
of managerial control here.
Sanford
All I’m saying is if you’re going to
be insubordinate, you should go the
full nine and not pussy out when it
comes to free refreshments.
RANDAL
What’s it going to hurt, man? As if
we’re suddenly gonna have a run on
Gatorade.
Sanford
Fuckin A.
73.
DANTE
Alright. Jesus you fuckers are
pushy.
Sanford
We ain’t pushy Dante; you just
uptight.
(skating away; to all)
Dante said we can all drink free
Gatorade.
A laid-back hurrah is heard.
DANTE
(to Randal)
What is that? Do you think I’m
uptight?
RANDAL
I’m not a therapist. Are you gonna
lock the store?
DANTE
I haven’t decided yet. Did you lock
the video store?
RANDAL
Look who you’re asking. How’re you
gonna run the store and play the
game.
CUT TO:
Ratings
Scene 21 - Convenience Store Hockey Game
Ratings
Scene 22 - Hockey in the Parking Lot
THE SIGN ON THE DOOR READS
TEMPORARILY CLOSED. BE OPENED AFTER
THE FIRST PERIOD.
THE PLAYERS
skate around the street in front of the store. Four cars block off a
makeshift court and prevent traffic from coming through. Bags of potato
chips line the sides, preventing the balls from leaving the ‘arena’.
DANTE
skates and passes with another player.
REDDING
stretches against the building.
LITTLE KIDS
sit by the side and watch.
RANDAL
pulls his mask on and slaps his gloves, urging a shot.
STANDISH
skates in and takes a shot which RANDAL blocks.
74.
JAY AND SILENT BOB
deal to a player.
DANTE
holds a ball in the center of the court.
DANTE
Ready?
PLAYERS
take position.
A LITTLE KID
comes to the center and holds the ball in drop position. DANTE and
REDDING face-off, and the ball is in play.
THE GAME BEGINS
as the little kid darts off the court and players engage in a ballet of
violence and beauty. Faces are smashed with sticks, slide tackles are
made, shots are taken, C.U.’s of various players included.
INACTIVE PLAYERS
call out encouragement and slander from the sidelines.
JAY AND SILENT BOB
watch, amused.
JAY
(screaming)
You fuck! You’re a bum! Skate into
the crease! My man’ll fuck you up!
You can’t control the ball! You’re
ugly! I fucked your mother! Neh.
THE LITTLE KIDS
view the game, their heads turning from one end of the court to the
other.
MORE GAME PLAYING
including both goalies getting scored on and more face-offs.
A CUSTOMER
braves past the action and tugs on the convenience store door. He reads
the sign and turns, awed and annoyed at the brazen sign.
THE GAME CONTINUES
despite the new on-looker.
THE CUSTOMER
shifts from one foot to the other impatiently. Finally he calls out.
CUSTOMER
When’s this period over?
SOMEONE O.C.
Eight more minutes!
CUSTOMER
Are you shitting me? I want to get
cigarettes!
75.
DANTE skids to the sidelines.
DANTE
(out of breath)
If you can just wait a few more
minutes.
CUSTOMER
Fuck that! This is a business!
SOMEONE O.C.
Dante! Where are you?!
CUSTOMER
He’s busy!
DANTE starts to skate away.
DANTE
I’ll be right back. It’s almost
over.
He jumps back into the game.
CUSTOMER
What the fuck is this?! I want some
service!
O.C. Dante
In a second!
CUSTOMER
Fuck in a second! This is...Look at
you! You can’t even pass!
DANTE
I can pass!
CUSTOMER
How ‘bout covering point!? You’d
better stick to jockeying a register,
cause you suck at hockey.
DANTE skids back to the sidelines to address the CUSTOMER.
DANTE
Who are you to make assessments?
CUSTOMER
I’ll assess all I want!
SOMEONE O.C.
DANTE! ARE YOU IN OR OUT!
CUSTOMER
(to O.C. SOMEONE)
Don’t pass to this guy! He sucks!
(to DANTE)
You suck!
76.
DANTE
Like you’re better!
CUSTOMER
I can whip your ass.
A WOMAN pulls at the door behind them. She peers into the store, face
against the glass.
DANTE
That’s easy to say from over here.
CUSTOMER
Give me a stick, pretty boy! I’ll
knock your fucking teeth out and
pass all over your ass.
WOMAN
Is the convenience store open?
DANTE and Customer
(simultaneous)
NO!
The WOMAN strides off angrily.
DANTE
(to Customer)
There’s a stick over there. You’re
shooting against that goal.
(to the court)
REDDING! COME OFF AND LET THIS FUCK
ON!
THE GAME CONTINUES
with the added player running about the court on feet.
THE LITTLE KIDS
eat chips from the bags that act as the ‘boards’.
SOMEONE O.C.
Hey! The fucking kids are eating the
boards!
A NEW FACE-OFF
pits DANTE against the CUSTOMER.
THE BALL
drops between the two and DANTE smashes the CUSTOMER in the jaw with his
elbow. He winds up and takes a hard shot.
THE BALL
sails past the court, through the air and into a faraway yard.
DANTE
calls to the sidelines.
DANTE
Give me another ball.
77.
SOMEONE O.C.
There are no more.
DANTE
What the fuck are you talking about?
How many balls did you bring?
SANFORD skates up to him.
Sanford
(counting)
There was the orange ball... The
orange ball.
DANTE
One ball! You only brought one
ball?!
Sanford
I thought Redding had like three
balls!
O.C. Redding
I thought Dante had the balls.
DANTE
Nobody has another ball?!
Sanford
Shit!
DANTE
We get...what...twelve minutes of
game, and it’s over? Fuck! This is
so typical!
(pause; rubs head)
I’m not even supposed to be here
today!
DANTE skate off.
Sanford
We still get free Gatorade, right?
Ratings
Scene 23 - Old Man and the Convenience Store
INT CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
DANTE
standing on a ladder, replaces a fluorescent light. And OLD MAN joins
him at the foot of the ladder.
Old Man
Be careful.
DANTE
I’m trying.
Old Man
You know the insides of those filled
with stuff that gives you cancer.
DANTE
So I’m told.
78.
Old Man
I had a friend that used to chew
glass for a living. In the circus.
The light in place, DANTE descends the ladder and closes it.
DANTE
And he got cancer by chewing
fluorescent bulb glass...?
Old Man
No, he got his by a bus.
DANTE
(confused)
Oh... Can I help you?
Old Man
Well that depends, Do you have a
bathroom?
DANTE
Um...yeah, but it’s for employees
only.
Old Man
I understand, but can I use it. I’m
not that young anymore, so I’m kind
of...you know...incon...incontinent.
DANTE
Uh...sure. Go ahead. It’s back
through the cooler.
Old Man
Thanks son. Say - what kind of
toilet paper you got back there?
DANTE
The white kind.
Old Man
I’m not asking about the color. I
mean is it rough or cottony?
DANTE
Actually, it is kind of rough.
Old Man
Rough, eh? Oh, that stuff rips hell
out of my hem-roids. Say, would you
mind if I took a roll of the soft
stuff back there. I see you sell the
soft stuff.
DANTE
Yeah, but....
Old Man
Aw, c’mon boy. What’s the difference?
You said yourself the stuff that’s
there now is rough.
79.
DANTE
Yeah, okay. Go ahead.
Old Man
Thanks son. You’re a life-saver.
The OLD MAN walks off. DANTE heads back to the counter. The OLD MAN
returns.
Old Man
Say, young fella; you know I hate to
bother you again, but can I take a
paper or something back there...to
read? It usually takes me awhile,
and I like to read while it’s going
on...
DANTE
Jesus...go ahead.
Old Man
Thanks young man. You’ve got a heart
of gold.
The OLD MAN sifts through some papers and a few magazines. He comes back
to the counter.
DANTE
You know, you probably could’ve been
home already, in the time it’s taken
you to get in there.
Old Man
Can I trouble you for on of those
magazines?
DANTE
I said go ahead.
Old Man
No, I mean the ones there. Behind
the counter.
DANTE glances over and reacts.
DANTE
The porno mags?
Old Man
Yeah. I like the cartoons. They make
me laugh. They draw the biggest
titties.
DANTE
(hands on to him)
Here. Now leave me alone.
Old Man
Uh, can I have the other one. The
one below this one. They show more
in that one.
DANTE makes the switch.
80.
Old Man
Thanks son. I appreciate this.
The OLD MAN walks off. We hear the back door open and close, then the
front door does the same. RANDAL joins DANTE.
RANDAL
Helluva game!
DANTE
One ball! They come all the way
here...I close the damn store...for
one ball!
RANDAL
Hockey’s hockey. At least we got to
play.
DANTE
Randal, twelve minutes in not
playing! Jesus, it’s barely a warm-
up!
RANDAL
But they were a strong twelve
minutes. You played great.
DANTE
I could’ve played better if I’d had
more time.
RANDAL
Bitch, bitch, bitch. You want
something to drink?
(walking away)
DANTE
Gatorade.
Pause. Then...
OC Randal
What happened to all the Gatorade?
DANTE
Exactly. They drank it all.
OC Randal
After an exhausting game like that
I can believe it.
DANTE
(as RANDAL)
"It’s not like we’re gonna sell out."
RANDAL comes back with drinks.
RANDAL
You know what Sanford told me?
(offering drink)
DANTE
He enjoyed the free Gatorade.
81.
RANDAL
Julie Dwyer died.
DANTE
Yeah right.
RANDAL
No, I’m serious.
DANTE is visibly taken aback.
DANTE
Oh my god.
RANDAL
Sanford’s brother dates her cousin.
He found out this morning.
DANTE
How? When?
RANDAL
Embolism in her brain. Yesterday.
DANTE
Jesus.
Ratings
Scene 24 - Dead Exes and Dicks
She was swimming at the Y.M.C.A.
pool when it happened. Died mid-
backstroke.
DANTE
I haven’t seen her in almost two
years.
RANDAL
Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t
she one of the illustrious twelve?
DANTE
Number six.
RANDAL
You’ve had sex with a dead person.
DANTE
You know what I always remember
about her?
RANDAL
Listen to you; already with the
eulogies.
DANTE
She held my hand. Whenever we went
somewhere; didn’t matter where. She
would always take my hand and hold
it. And when she held your hand, you
felt held... you know?
82.
RANDAL
Have any of the other women you
slept with died? Because maybe your
cursed, like the cast of
‘Poltergeist".
DANTE
I’m gonna go to the wake.
RANDAL
No you’re not.
DANTE
Why not?
RANDAL
It’s today.
DANTE
What!?
RANDAL
Paulsens Funeral Parlor. The next
show is at four.
DANTE
Shit. What about tomorrow?
RANDAL
One night only. She’s buried in the
morning.
DANTE
You’ve gotta watch the store. I have to go to this.
RANDAL
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Has it
occurred to you that I might be
bereaved as well?
DANTE
You hardly knew her!
RANDAL
True, but do you know how many
people are going to be there? All of
our old classmates, to say the
least.
DANTE
Stop it. This is beneath even you.
RANDAL
I’m not missing what’s probably
going to be the social event of the
season.
DANTE
You hate people.
RANDAL
But I love gatherings. Isn’t it
ironic?
83.
DANTE
Don’t be an asshole. Somebody has to
stay with the store.
RANDAL
And it has to be me?
DANTE
Barring the fact that you have no
reason to attend this wake other
than you hate being left out, you
have no means of transportation to
get you there. I was intimate with
the girl once, and I have a car.
RANDAL
I’m proud of you.
DANTE
You’re being a dick.
RANDAL
If you go, I’m going.
DANTE
Come on Randal. Just work the
register for an hour. I’ll be back
even sooner than that.
RANDAL
I’m going with you.
DANTE
She meant nothing to you!
RANDAL
She meant nothing to you either
until I told you she died.
DANTE
I’m not taking you to this funeral.
RANDAL
If you go, I go.
DANTE
I can’t close the store.
A CUSTOMER comes to the counter.
CUSTOMER
Do you have anymore Gatorade back
there? I need a case.
DANTE
Um...no, we’re sold out.
CUSTOMER
You have no Gatorade whatsoever?
DANTE
No. Sorry.
84.
CUSTOMER
Yeah right.
(walking away)
Lazy fuck.
RANDAL
(continuing)
You just closed the store to play
hockey in the parking lot.
DANTE
Exactly, which means I can’t close
it for another hour so we can both
go to a wake.
RANDAL
So we’re not going?
DANTE
No. Forget it. If you won’t stay to
work so I can go to the wake, then
neither of us is going.