As good as it gets

Genres: The, return, string, would, be:, drama, comedy, Romance



Summary The movie revolves around the lives of Melvin, Simon, and Carol. Melvin, an unlikable man, terrorizes a dog before engaging in his ritualistic cleaning routine. Simon is reunited with his dog and confronts Melvin about mistreating him. Melvin causes trouble at Carol's restaurant and shows up uninvited to her apartment and demands food. Carol's son is sick, and Melvin follows her and her sick son to the hospital, resulting in combative situations. Melvin seeks help from his psychiatrist but has a breakdown at the restaurant and creates a scene. Simon is struggling financially and dealing with health issues while Verdell pines for Melvin. Carol confronts Melvin about his intentions, and they share an awkward kiss that turns passionate. They are unsure where to go from here.


Screenplay Story Analysis

Story Critique The overall story of the screenplay is engaging and explores the complex relationships between the characters. There are several positive elements, such as the exploration of mental illness through Melvin's character and the growth and development of Carol's character. The interactions between the characters create tension and conflict, which adds depth to the story. However, the screenplay could benefit from a clearer central conflict and stronger character arcs. Some scenes feel repetitive and could be streamlined to maintain momentum. Additionally, the emotional impact of certain scenes could be heightened by focusing on the characters' internal struggles and motivations.

Suggestions: To improve the screenplay, you could consider revising the central conflict to make it more compelling and give the story a clearer direction. Develop stronger character arcs by delving deeper into their motivations and internal struggles. Some scenes could be condensed or removed to maintain pacing and avoid repetition. Focus on enhancing the emotional impact of key moments by exploring the characters' emotional states and the consequences of their actions. Consider refining the dialogue to make it more authentic and character-driven.

Note: This is the overall critique. For scene by scene critique click here



Summary of Scene Level Analysis

Scene Strengths
  • Intimate and vulnerable moment that delves deeper into Carol's character and relationships.
  • Strong characterization and emotional depth.
  • Powerful emotional moments that reveal the vulnerabilities of the characters
  • Realistic and relatable dialogue
  • Strong emotional moments conveyed through dialogue and acting
Scene Weaknesses
  • The scene doesn't offer much in terms of plot development, and some of the dialogue feels a bit contrived.
  • Slow pacing, lack of major plot developments.
  • Melvin's behavior is often off-putting and occasionally cringe-worthy, which could be a turn-off for some viewers. Additionally, the scene lacks a clear thematic focus.
  • Not much plot development
  • Lack of true conflict in this scene, as it mostly serves as a moment of character development and emotional reflection
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more conflict and higher stakes to scenes that lack them.
  • Focus on balancing character moments with plot development.
  • Be mindful of melodramatic or contrived dialogue.
  • Consider the impact of Melvin's behavior on the audience and aim for a clearer thematic focus.
  • Remember to incorporate significant plot developments in all scenes, even those focused on character development.

Note: This is the synthesis. See scene by scene analysis here


How scenes compare to the Scripts in our Library

Note: The ratings are the averages of all the scenes.
Title
Grade
Percentile Before After
Internal Goal 8.35  85 Silence of the lambs: 8.34 Shaun of the Dead: 8.35
Characters 8.4  73 Killers of the flower moon: 8.3 American hustle: 8.4
Emotional Impact 7.6  65 Queens Gambit: 7.5 Erin Brokovich: 7.6
Character Changes 6.1  52 Lucifer: 6.0 Deadpool: 6.1
External Goal 7.63  49 The Good place release: 7.55 As good as it gets: 7.63
Structure 8.31  46 Shaun of the Dead: 8.30 As good as it gets: 8.31
Dialogue 7.4  30 The sweet hereafter: 7.3 the dark knight rises: 7.4
Formatting 8.91  25 Everything Everywhere All at Once: 8.90 The Wolf of Wall Street: 8.91
Pacing 8.16  24 Mo: 8.14 As good as it gets: 8.16
Conflict Level 6.6  16 Scott pilgrim vs. the world: 6.5 As good as it gets: 6.6
High Stakes 5.7  12 Midnight cowboy: 5.6 Scott pilgrim vs. the world: 5.7
Concept 7.3  9 There's something about Mary: 7.2 Erin Brokovich: 7.3
Plot 7.4  9 Community: 7.3 heathers : 7.4
Originality 5.91  9 The sweet hereafter: 5.65 As good as it gets: 5.91
Story Forward 6.9  8 Mind Hunter: 6.8 As good as it gets: 6.9
Overall 7.8  7 Clerks: 7.7 sense 8: 7.8
Engagement 7.97  4 Breaking bad: 7.57 As good as it gets: 7.97



See the full analysis by clicking the title.

1 As Good as it Gets - Scene 1 "darkly comedic" 7 6 76 8 279804506 610998
2 Verdell Returns Home "sarcastic" 7 6 74 8 398403605 67888
3 Confrontation with Melvin "Tense and Confrontational" 8 7 97 8 798908807 89888
4 Melvin crosses a line "tense and uncomfortable" 8 7 77 8 686706708 897108
5 A vulnerable moment "Intimate, awkward" 7 8 66 8 787403809 57899
6 Model Shoot "tense" 8 7 64 8 589704706 89798
7 Confrontations and Creativity "Tense" 7 7 76 7 687807607 67998
8 Attack and Confession "Tense" 8 7 86 8 7891007809 77998
9 Melvin's Apartment and Hospital Visit "somber" 7 7 75 8 687504608 66788
10 Melvin takes care of Verdell and writes "lighthearted" 8 8 77 8 687302505 789109
11 Verdell's Return "emotional" 8 7 86 9 788708809 79988
12 Melvin's breakdown at the psychiatrist "Tense" 8 8 78 9 898908708 79998
13 Melvin's Unwanted Arrival at Spencer's Apartment "Tense" 7 6 85 8 587907806 78798
14 Financial Woes and Unwanted Advances "tense" 8 8 87 7 688908909 97788
15 The Hospital "anxious" 8 7 83 9 398507809 77798
16 Hospital Visit "tense" 8 7 88 9 797909808 7991010
17 Simon's Struggle "Tense" 8 8 96 8 797908809 89988
18 Carol Confronts Melvin "Tense" 8 7 86 9 698706708 998109
19 Melvin and Simon's Conversation "somber" 7 8 75 8 686405507 78899
20 Love and Loss "somber" 5 4 20 7 500302402 40000
21 Melvin's Request "Tense, emotional" 8 7 77 8 598706608 98898
22 Packing and Leaving "emotional" 7 7 68 8 598506608 67899
23 The Car Ride "Tense yet somewhat humorous" 7.5 8 73 8 307504505 75898
24 Trauma Stories "Reflective, Emotional" 8 8 85 9 8986067010 97998
25 Restaurant Disaster "Anxious" 8 9 96 9 598705707 68899
26 The Awkward Dinner Date "Emotional, tense, and awkward" 9 8 87 9 910910088011 999108
27 Vulnerability Revealed "Intense" 10 9 96 10 788605708 97899
28 Morning After "Bittersweet" 9 8 85 8 787604708 96787
29 Moving On "emotional" 8 7 76 10 887607709 89887
30 Good-bye, Maybe "bittersweet" 8 7 85 9 798504808 8108109
31 Melvin's Confession and Carol's Uncertainty "Tense" 8 8 86 8 789707808 89988
32 Melvin's Confession "Tense and emotional" 8 7 88 9 775604708 88988
33 Melvin's Epiphany "Tender, hopeful" 9 8 85 10 878507809 9881010


Scene 1 - As Good as it Gets - Scene 1
AS GOOD AS IT GETS



Written by


Mard Andrus & James L. Brooks




Story by

Mark Andrus
FADE IN:

1 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK), HALLWAY - NIGHT 1

ANGLE ON apartment doorway. As it opens and an enormously
SWEET-FACED, ELDER WOMAN steps out, bungled up against the
cold -- turning back to call inside to the unseen love of
her long life.

SWEET-FACED WOMAN
I'm just going to get some flowers,
dear. I'll be back in twenty
minutes. It's tulip season today.
I'm so happy.

And now she turns and faces the hallway... her sweetness
dissolves in a flash... replaced by repulsion and that
quickly she has reversed herself and re-entered her
apartment... closing the door as we consider her vacated.

POV - MELVIN UDALL

in the hallway... Well past 50... unliked, unloved,
unsettling. A huge pain in the ass to everyone he's ever
met. Right now all his considerable talent and strength is
totally focused on seducing a tiny dog into the elevator
door he holds open.

MELVIN
Come here, sweetheart... come on.

ON DOG
Sniffing at a particular spot on
the hall carpeting. Melvin lets the
elevator door close and advances on
the mutt who has ignores him.

MELVIN
Wanna go for a ride? Okay, sweetie?

The dog lifts his leg at the precise moment Melvin lunges
and picks him up with a decisive heft -- so that dog urine
squirts the hall wall for a second or two. The DOG sensing a
kindred spirit starts to GROWL and BARK.

MELVIN
(a malevolent tone)
You've pissed your last floor, you
dog-eared monkey.

The dog takes a snap at Melvin, but the man is much meaner
and quicker than the dog -- he holds his snout shut with his
hand and reaches for the door of the garbage chute.
2.


MELVIN
I'll bet you wish you were some
sort of real dog now, huh? Don't
worry... this is New York. If you
can make it here, you can make it
anywhere, you know? You ugly,
smelly fuck.

And with that, he stuffs him in the garbage chute and lets
go. We hear a FADING SERIES of PLEADING "ANOOOOS" from the
DOG fade to nothingness... as another apartment door opens
emitting the loud sounds of a PARTY and SIMON NYE, early
30s. Simon has been born and raised with Gothic horror and
it's strange that what that stew of trauma has produced is a
gifted, decent man.

2 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK), HALLWAY - NIGHT 2

Frantic... he bolts into the hall... Melvin is just about to
enter his apartment.

SIMON
Verdell!?!! Here, good doggie...

He notices Melvin at the far end of the hall.

SIMON
Mr. Udall... excuse me. Hey there!
(as Melvin turns)
Have you seen Verdell?

MELVIN
What's he look like?

Melvin starts to walk back to his apartment door which is
directly opposite Simon's.

SIMON
My dog... you know... I mean my
little dog with the adorable
face... Don't you know what my dog
looks like?

MELVIN
I got it. You're talking about your
dog. I thought that was the name of
the colored man I've been seeing in
the hall.

Simon looks O.S. -- and sees his black friend.

SIMON
Which color was that?
3.


MELVIN
Like thick molasses, with one of
those wide noses perfect for
smelling trouble and prison food...

Simon has had it.

SIMON
Frank Sachs -- Melvin Udall.

MELVIN
(not missing a beat)
How're you doing?

SIMON
Franks shows my work, Mr. Udall. I
think you know that.

FRANK
(overlapping)
Simon, you've got to get dressed.

MELVIN
(to Simon)
What I know is that as long as you
keep your work zipped up around me,
I don't give a fuck what or where
you shove your show. Are we being
neighbors for now?

SIMON
(to Frank)
Do you still think I was
exaggerating?

FRANK can only smile.

FRANK
Definitely a package you don't want
to open or touch.

MELVIN
Hope you find him. I love that dog.

Simon, terminally non-confrontational, still finds himself
compelled to turn back toward Melvin.

SIMON
(directly)
You don't love anything, Mr. Udall.

Simon closes his door leaving Melvin alone in the hallway.
4.


MELVIN
I love throwing your dog down the
garbage chute.

3 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT, BATHROOM - NIGHT 3

Melvin locks and unlocks and locks his door, counting to
five with each lock. He turns the lights quickly on and off
and on five times and makes a straight-line towards his
bathroom where he turns on the hot water and opens the
medicine chest.

4 INT. MEDICINE CHEST 4

Scores of neatly stacked Neutrogena soaps. He unwraps one --
begins to wash -- discards it -- goes through the process
two more times.
Genres: ["drama","comedy"]

Summary Melvin, an unlikable and unsettling man, terrorizes a dog in the hallway of his apartment building before entering his own apartment and engaging in his ritualistic cleaning routine.
Strengths "The darkly comedic tone is established effectively, and Melvin's unlikable nature is established in a memorable way."
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't offer much in terms of plot development, and some of the dialogue feels a bit contrived."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 6

Plot: 7

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and characters are fairly typical for a New York City-based story, the specific conflicts and interactions between the characters are fresh and unique. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is high, as they feel like real people with distinct personalities and motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 2

Internal Goal: 7

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that he is seeking a sense of control and power over his environment and the people around him. This reflects his deeper need for validation and control, stemming from his apparent loneliness and lack of fulfillment in his life.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to intimidate and harass his neighbor, Simon, by disposing of his dog in the garbage chute and making derogatory comments about him. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing, which is his dissatisfaction with his living situation and his need to assert dominance over others.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 4

Story Forward: 5

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash of values between the protagonist, who is selfish and cruel, and Simon, who is decent and kind-hearted. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and worldview as he is forced to confront an alternative way of thinking and behaving.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 6

Engagement: 10

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of anticipation and suspense as the audience wonders what the protagonist will do next. The dialogue and character interactions are sharp and memorable, while the setting and atmosphere are vivid and immersive.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, while also providing moments of humor and pathos. The rhythm of the scene is well-crafted, with a clear sense of progression and development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear and concise action lines, dialogue, and scene directions. The formatting enhances the clarity and readability of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear beginning, middle, and end that builds tension and conflict. The scene is well-paced and structured, with a focus on character development and conflict.


Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I can provide some feedback on this scene, but I must note that my ability to judge a scene from a subjective standpoint is limited by my lack of human-like emotions and experiences.

Firstly, the scene is well-written in terms of its structure, pacing, and character development. The introduction of the sweet elderly woman and her sudden change in demeanor establishes a sense of unease and sets the tone for the rest of the scene. Melvin Udall's portrayal as an unliked and unloved character is effective in making him a compelling antagonist. The dialogue is naturalistic and well-crafted, revealing the characters' personalities and relationships.

However, the scene's depiction of animal cruelty may be disturbing to some audiences. Although it serves to reinforce Melvin's unsympathetic personality, it may be seen as gratuitous and unnecessary. Additionally, some of the dialogue may be considered offensive to some viewers, especially regarding Simon's black friend.

In conclusion, while this scene is well-executed in terms of its technical elements, it may not be suitable for all audiences due to its depiction of animal cruelty and potentially offensive dialogue.
Suggestions Overall, the scene sets up the character of Melvin Udall effectively as someone unliked and unloved, with a penchant for cruelty towards animals. However, there are a few suggestions for improving the scene:

1. Consider shortening the sweet-faced woman's dialogue as it feels a bit too long and unnecessary. Perhaps just her calling out to her unseen love could be enough to establish her character.

2. Make it clearer in the scene that the dog that Melvin is harassing belongs to Simon. This will make Simon's confrontation with Melvin later on more impactful.

3. Consider toning down the cruelty towards the dog, as it may be too intense and off-putting for some viewers.

4. Add more physical action or movement to the scene, to break up the dialogue and make it more visually interesting.

5. Finally, consider adding in more character interactions or dialogue between Melvin and Simon to further establish and build their relationship dynamic.



Scene 2 - Verdell Returns Home
5 INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT, ENTRANCE HALL - NIGHT 5

A group of PARTY GOERS enters -- followed by a HANDYMAN
holding Verdell who looks and finds:

SIMON
who looks up -- lights up -- and
tears up as he moves quickly toward
the group and his dog.

SIMON
Thank the good Lord... wow... my
honey... where have you been?

PARTY GOER
(thinking the greeting's
for him)
He always liked me.

As Simon goes past him to take the dog from the Handyman...
JACKIE, Frank's junior partner, barking a laugh at the Party
Goer -- VERDELL BARKING some love. As the others greet
Simon, Jackie directs the group inside. Jackie lingers,
looking on affectionately as Simon picks some awful, sticky
gunk from the dog's body... he puts Verdell down to reach
for his wallet -- the tiny DOG YAPS in protest.

SIMON
Just for a second, okay?

The DOG YAPS "no." Simon, delighted, picks him up again.

SIMON
(kissing him on the
mouth)
5.


Look at him... where was little
baby?

HANDYMAN
(smiling)
In the basement garbage bin eating
diaper shit.

Simon reacts -- then notices the Handyman, tongue in cheek,
trying to suppress his amusement.

SIMON
Go ahead, John, you earned your
fun.
(looking at Verdell)
How did he get down in the
basement? I mean even if he got on
the elevator how... ?

HANDYMAN
Maybe some nice neighbor shoved him
down the garbage chute.

SIMON
My God! No!

He stares out... Frank frustrated following.

6 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - OFFICE - NIGHT 6

Quiet -- safe -- just Melvin's voice reading aloud as he
writes.

MELVIN
'Somewhat in the dark, she had
confessed and he had forgiven. This
is what you live for, he said. Two
heads on a pillow where there is
only the safety of being with each
other. How, she wondered, could she
find such hope in the most shameful
part of her.'

He barely reacts as we hear a LOUD KNOCKING at he reads.

SIMON (O.S.)
Mr. Udall.

But Melvin's into it. His fingers flying as he reads.

MELVIN
'At last she was able to define
love. Love was... '
6.


More KNOCKING.

SIMON (O.S.)
Mr. Udall, I'd like to talk to you
please.

MELVIN
'Love was... '

He almost has the rest of the sentence -- the meaning of
love -- but the knocking throws him.

MELVIN
... Son-of-a-bitch-pansy-assed-
stool-pusher.

He burst from his chair.
Genres: ["comedy","drama"]

Summary Simon is reunited with his beloved dog, Verdell, after he was missing. Meanwhile, Melvin is interrupted while reading and writing in his apartment.
Strengths "The contrasting scenes between Simon's joy and Melvin's frustration create an interesting dynamic. The dialogue is humorous."
Weaknesses "The scene feels a little disconnected from the larger story. There is not much conflict or emotional impact."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 6

Plot: 7

Originality: 4

This scene is not particularly original. It follows a familiar plotline of a character being reunited with a beloved pet. However, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue helps create a sense of realism that makes the scene engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 3

Internal Goal: 9

Simon's internal goal is to be reunited with his lost dog, Verdell. This goal reflects his deeper need for companionship and love.

External Goal: 8

Simon's external goal is to pay the Handyman for finding his dog. This goal reflects the immediate circumstance he is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 3

Story Forward: 6

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no clear philosophical conflict evident in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

Dialogue: 6

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it creates an emotional connection between the audience and the characters. The audience is invested in the outcome of Simon's search for his dog, and the warmth and mutual affection between Simon and his dog is endearing.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by moving the story forward at a steady pace and using dialogue and action to create tension and emotional investment.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action blocks, and character names.

Structure: 8

This scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear scene headings and action and dialogue blocks.


Critique Overall, the scene has some issues with dialogue and pacing. The dialogue feels a bit unnatural and forced, particularly when Simon speaks to Verdell and when he talks to the Handyman. The pacing feels uneven and rushed in some places, particularly when Jackie directs the group inside and when Simon picks gunk from Verdell's body. However, the scene does effectively convey Simon's love for his dog and his relief at finding him, and Melvin's interruption adds an element of tension and humor. Overall, the scene could benefit from some revisions to improve the dialogue and pacing.
Suggestions First, it would be beneficial to provide more specific character descriptions for the Party Goers, Handyman, and Jackie to help differentiate them and make them more memorable to the audience. This can be achieved through small details in their appearance or actions.

Second, the dialogue between Simon and the Party Goer could be made clearer by adding more context to the interaction. It is not immediately clear why the Party Goer thinks Simon's greeting is meant for him, and this could be clarified with a small action or line of dialogue.

Third, some of the actions in the scene could be more clearly blocked for the audience's understanding. For example, it is not clear why Simon puts Verdell down to reach for his wallet, and adding a simple action such as a pocket pat could help clarify this.

Finally, the transition between the two scenes could be made smoother to avoid the abrupt switch in tone. This could be achieved by adding a visual or auditory cue to signal the change in setting and character focus.



Scene 3 - Confrontation with Melvin
7 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK) - HALLWAY - NIGHT 7

As Simon hears MELVIN through the door and takes a step
back. Melvin throws open the door. He looks demonic.

MELVIN
(loud and angry)
Yeeeess!!!

SIMON
Maybe this can wait.

Frank signals encouragement as Melvin opens the door.

SIMON
I found Verdell, Mr. Udall.

MELVIN
Well, that's a load off.

Melvin walks back into the apartment and is about to close
the door when Simon has another burst of bravery.

SIMON
Did you... do something to him?

MELVIN
Do you realize that I work at him?

SIMON
(eyes downcast)
No, I didn't.
7.


MELVIN
Do you like to be interrupt when
you are danging around in your
little garden?

SIMON
No... actually, I even shut the
phone off and put a little piece of
cardboard in the ringer so no one
can just buzz me from d...

MELVIN
Well, I work all the time. So
never, never again interrupt me.
Okay? I mean, never. Not 30 years
from now... not if there's fire.
Not even if you hear a thud from
inside my home and a week later
there's a smell from in there that
can only come from a decaying body
and you have to hold a hanky
against your face because the
stench is so thick you think you're
going to faint even then don't come
knocking or, if it's election night
and you're excited and want to
celebrate because some fudge-packer
you dated has been elected the
first queer President of the United
States... and he's going to put you
up in Camp David and you just want
to share the moment with someone...
don't knock ... not on this door.
Not for anything. Got me.
Sweetheart?

SIMON
Yes. It's not a subtle point you're
making.

MELVIN
Okay, then.

Melvin enters his apartment and slams the door shut.

SIMON
So the theory of confrontations is
that now he'll think twice before
messing with me?

Frank smiles affectionately. Simon turns serious.

SIMON
He's genuinely upsetting, isn't he?
8.


FRANK
Won't worry about it. You go ahead.

Frank waits till Simon EXITS SCENE and then knocks loudly on
Melvin's door. There is a sharp change in his demeanor.

MELVIN (O.S.)
Oh, I'm pissed!! Now I am really
pissed!!!

Frank waits patiently as Melvin jerks his door back open.
Frank immediately grabs Melvin by his shirt and jerks him
forward... Melvin is scared. Operating on survival mode.

MELVIN
No touch. No touch. No touch.

FRANK
You may think you can intimidate
the whole world with your attitude,
but I grew up in Hell. My
grandmother had more attitude. You
don't intimidate me.

MELVIN
(calling)
Police! Police! Fucking crooked
police... doughnut-munching morons
help me!
(to Frank)
Assault and battery and you're
black.

FRANK
Shhhh now. I like Simon. I like him
enough to batter you unrecognizable
if you verbally abuse him or so
much as touch his dog again.
Meanwhile, I'll try and think how
you can make this up to him.
(suddenly loud)
I hate doing this. I'm an art
dealer.
(beat)
Have a nice day. Party!

He tosses Melvin back and walks out. Melvin straightens his
shirt as he steps out into the hall. Frank smiles as he re-
enters the other apartment. Melvin appears impressed.
9.


8 EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET NEAR CAROL'S RESTAURANT - DAY 8

A crowded and dirty street and here comes Melvin. His walk
is brisk -- an animal wanting to pass through the danger
without giving off the scent of its mounting fear. At times
he places his palms together and extends his arms cutting a
path through people. We will be very pointed in the fact
that he avoids stepping on cracks.

CLOSER ON MELVIN

His eyes focused on the terrain.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Simon confronts Melvin about mistreating Verdell, leading to a heated exchange and Frank stepping in to defend Simon. Later, Melvin is shown walking through a crowded street, with a focus on his avoidance of cracks.
Strengths "The tense confrontation between Simon and Melvin shows the audience the conflict between the two characters and builds tension. Frank's defense of Simon adds another layer to the scene, and Melvin's avoidance of cracks in the street reinforces his character's quirks."
Weaknesses "The scene does not have a clear emotional impact or significant plot advancement, and Melvin's lengthy monologue may come across as excessive or unrealistic."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 9

Originality: 7

This scene is relatively fresh in terms of its approach to the typical power dynamics between people. The way Melvin treats Simon is unique, and the dialogue is sharp and authentic. The characters' actions and dialogue feel realistic and believable.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 7

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to confront Melvin and get back at him for how he has treated him in the past. Simon is also trying to assert himself and change his dynamic with Melvin.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find Verdell, Melvin's dog, and return him to Melvin.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 8

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is about power dynamics and how people treat each other. Melvin sees himself as above Simon and expects him to tolerate his behavior, while Simon is beginning to challenge that attitude. It challenges both character's beliefs about how to treat and interact with people.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it showcases a tense and confrontational conversation that is witty and realistic. The dialogue is sharp, and the power dynamics between the characters are interesting to watch.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective because it builds tension between the characters and keeps the audience engaged throughout. The back-and-forth dialogue is fast-paced and dynamic, and the characters' actions add to the sense of tension in the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting is typical for its genre with scene headings, action, and dialogue clearly defined.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a typical dialogue-heavy format for its genre of drama. The confrontation is established at the beginning and is resolved by the end.


Critique Overall, this is a well-written scene that effectively builds tension and develops character. The dialogue between Simon and Melvin highlights Melvin's volatile temperament and Simon's attempts to navigate his behavior. The introduction of Frank provides a contrast to Melvin's aggressive personality and offers a glimpse into his past. The scene ends with Melvin's nervous walk, emphasizing his need for control and avoidance of perceived danger.

One potential critique is that the dialogue between Melvin and Simon can feel a bit long-winded and repetitive. While it effectively establishes Melvin's no-nonsense attitude and Simon's fear, it could benefit from some streamlining or more dynamic action to break up the talking. Additionally, the use of slurs (e.g. "fudge-packer") for comedic effect may not sit well with some audiences and could be considered insensitive.

Overall, though, this scene effectively sets up the conflicts and relationships that will drive the story forward.
Suggestions 1. Emphasize physical actions to enhance the tension and character development: In this scene, the dialogue carries much of the weight. However, by incorporating more physical actions such as body language, gestures, or movements, the tension can be heightened. For example, Melvin's body language can reflect his increasing fear as Frank confronts him, or Simon can display more bravery by standing up to Melvin physically.

2. Consider pacing: This scene has a lot of dialogue, which can be tonally heavy. A way to combat that is to vary the pacing of the dialogue. Interspersing moments of silence or physical action can help break up the dialogue and add to the tension.

3. Use the setting to enhance the tone: This is a scene set in a hallway, which is crucial to the tension and confrontation in this scene. Utilizing the location to create a claustrophobic or cramped feeling can help add to the tension.

4. Use character actions to reveal character: This scene is a crucial moment for Frank and Simon's relationship with Melvin. A way to enhance the characters' development is to showcase Frank's tough exterior and Simon's bravery further. Additionally, Melvin's increasing fear in his physical actions can reveal aspects of his character and motivate his actions later in the film.



Scene 4 - Melvin crosses a line
9 INT. CAROL'S RESTAURANT - DAY 9

ANGLE ON WAITRESS

CAROL CONNELLY talks with another MOTHER -- a customer. You
would not guess it, but her working hours tend to be the
most carefree time of the day. She is telling a story about
her son for the umpteenth time.

CAROL
(to the Mother's little
girl)
Look at you, you're all better.

MOTHER
It's that new medication.

CAROL
You know all my son's stuff, right?

The Mother nods too sympathetically that she does, but Carol
interrupts her.

CAROL
No, no, no, I got a date tonight.
I'm walking out the door this
morning and he says to me, 'Mom, I
promise not to get one of my fevers
or coughs during your date.'

MOTHER
Isn't that sweet.

CAROL
Little blonde angle.
(to child,
affectionately)
Eat everything.
10.


Melvin enters and moves past several empty tables to a table
towards the back and is obviously surprised to find a MAN
and WOMAN sitting at the table.

WOMAN
It just came out of me. I said you
love me the way a remote control
loves a TV. As long as I switch
every time...

HER MALE COMPANION
Wonderful.

MELVIN
People who talk in metaphors can
shampoo my crotch.
(on their look)
Eat up.

They turn away -- Melvin walks a few paces to the waitress
station where two waitresses, LISA and CAROL, are talking.

LISA
Pay me back next week.

CAROL
I owe you. I told you today...
them's the rules. Oh, excuse me,
Melvin.

She puts two hands lightly on his waist to move him out of
the way. He gulps at the contact (since no one else ever
touches him) but covers his self-consciousness.

MELVIN
I'm starving.

CAROL
(firmly to Lisa)
Will you please take it?

Melvin intentionally moves a step in her path, with stealth,
so that she must touch him again to get him out of the
way...

LISA
This way you take a cab home so you
have time to get ready for the
date.

CAROL
"Ready" is not my problem.
11.


She barks a mirthless though hearty laugh. If we could read
Melvin which we can't, we'd see him unsettled by the date
talk. To Carol he is as harmless as furniture.

CAROL
(to Melvin)
Go sit down. You know you're not
allowed back here... Spencer's
more excited about it than I am...
He says, "Mom, I promise not to get
a fever or couch during your date."

The other WAITRESSES and the SHORT ORDER COOK all go "awww."

CAROL
I know. He's just the best.

MELVIN
I've got Jews at my table.

CAROL
It's not your table. It's the
place's table. Behave. This once,
you can sit at someone else's
station.

The two waitresses signal their protests.

CAROL
Or you can just wait your turn...

Melvin walks back into the restaurant proper... he hangs
near their table... his discomfort builds in this limbo...
then:

MELVIN
How much more you got to eat? Your
appetite isn't as big as your
noses, is it?

WOMAN
What?!!

MAN
(to Woman)
Let's go --

The Woman starts to protest.

MAN
Let's leave. We're going.
12.


Melvin sits down at the table -- and takes from his pocket a
plastic eating utensil set wrapped and sealed. As he opens
his utensils.

CAROL
Bryan says he doesn't care how long
you've been coming you ever act
like this again you're barred for
life. I'm gonna miss the
excitement, but I'll handle it.

There is in Carol's attitude toward Melvin some ingredient
of self-satisfaction -- that she is the only one in the
place who can handle him. She starts to clear the table.

MELVIN
The table's fine if it had some
cholesterol on it. Two sausages,
six bacon strips, fries, three eggs
over easy and coffee.

CAROL
You're gonna die soon with that
diet, you know that?

MELVIN
We're all gonna die soon. I will.
You will. It sure sounds like your
son will.

ON CAROL
Stunned. Some crazy street-freak
has slipped under her perfect guard
and momentarily devastated her.
Melvin senses that he's gone way
too far. He wipes his knife.

CAROL
If you ever mention my son again,
you will never be able to eat here
again. Do you understand? Give me
some sign you understand or leave
now. Do you understand me...
(adds truthful label)
you crazy freak? Do you?!?

A beat and then Melvin nods, hardly breathing -- backing
down.

CAROL
Okay. I'll get your order.

She walks away. Melvin watches her, biting his lower lip. He
takes some napkins and cleans the table himself.
13.
Genres: ["drama","comedy"]

Summary Melvin goes to Carol's restaurant and causes trouble with his rude behavior. He insults a couple at a nearby table and makes a cruel comment about Carol's son. Carol warns him to never mention her son again and Melvin backs down.
Strengths "The tension is palpable in this scene and the dialogue is sharp and impactful. The characters are well-defined, with Carol and Melvin standing out in particular."
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't do much to move the plot forward and some of Melvin's behavior can feel gratuitously cruel."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 7

Originality: 7

The scene takes a familiar scenario - a man in a restaurant - and adds fresh elements through the character of Melvin and his unique behavior towards the other customers. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and grounded in reality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 8

Melvin's internal goal in this scene is to establish control over his surroundings and push people away. His behavior reflects his deep-seated fears and anxieties.

External Goal: 6

Melvin's external goal is to eat food and interact with the restaurant staff. However, his behavior creates external conflict with the other customers.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 6

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between Melvin and Carol. Melvin's worldview is centered around his own needs and desires, while Carol is more concerned with the well-being of others.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 9

The sharp dialogue, unique characters, and compelling conflicts make this scene highly engaging.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene is deliberate, allowing the tension between Melvin and Carol to build gradually.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The scene is well formatted and conforms to standard screenplay format.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene adheres to a conventional format for a restaurant scene.


Critique Overall, this scene is well-written with clear and concise dialogue that effectively conveys the characters' personalities, relationships, and emotions. The use of metaphors and insults adds layers of humor and tension to the scene. The physical interactions with the characters, such as Melvin being touched by Carol or sitting at someone else's station, also help to create a sense of discomfort and unease.

However, one potential critique is that the scene could benefit from clearer transition cues between certain actions and dialogue. For example, when Melvin walks back into the restaurant proper after talking to the waitresses, the scene could use a transitional cue that indicates a passage of time or change in setting. Additionally, the scene could benefit from more specific physical descriptions of the characters and their surroundings to better ground the reader in the scene.

Overall, though, this scene effectively uses dialogue and physical interactions to create tension, humor, and character depth.
Suggestions Overall, this scene feels a bit disjointed and lacks flow. Here are some suggestions to improve it:

1. Clarify the location: The scene opens with "INT. CAROL'S RESTAURANT - DAY," but it's not clear where in the restaurant these characters are located. Consider adding some description to orient the audience.

2. Develop the characters: Carol and Melvin are the primary characters in this scene, but we don't know much about them except that Carol is a waitress and Melvin is a customer. Consider adding some backstory or some details that help us understand who they are and why they behave the way they do.

3. Add conflict: Carol and Melvin have a brief exchange about her son, but it doesn't really go anywhere. Consider adding more conflict or tension to the scene. Maybe Melvin is being difficult about his order, or Carol is having a bad day and Melvin is exacerbating it.

4. Use dialogue to reveal character: Carol and Melvin's conversation is mostly surface-level. Consider using dialogue to reveal more about their personalities. Do they have unique speech patterns or verbal tics? Do they have strong opinions on certain topics?

5. Pace the scene: The scene feels a bit static, with the characters mostly just standing and talking. Consider adding some movement or action to keep things interesting. For example, maybe Carol is clearing tables or Melvin is fidgeting with his utensils.

By making these changes, you can create a scene that feels more dynamic and engaging, with characters that are fully realized and interesting to watch.



Scene 5 - A vulnerable moment
10 INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 10

She is underneath a YOUNGER, cuter MAN on the living room
sofa. He is expertly into foreplay. She begins to make
noises as she responds... each time startling herself with
her own noise and trying to reign it in.

She's two women here -- one speeding the pleasure highway --
the other -- functional mom so blown away by the emergence
of this sexy self that she laughs. The Young Man stops and
looks at her.

YOUNG MAN
What?

CAROL
I... I... I don't know... You
got me.

His eyes try to burn into hers... She is getting excited but
doesn't know how to play it... He pushes one of the fingers
of the hand caressing her face toward her mouth... She
closes her teeth, his fingers attempt opening her mouth. She
stops him.

CAROL
Let me just do whatever I do by
myself... I'll catch up to you
someplace I promise.
(as he's put off)
Oh, no... don't look like that.
No. I'm sorry if I'm a goof.

And so with earnestness and caring, she has transformed the
sex into something more intimate -- and, talk about egg in
your beer, hotter. Things are getting wild when we hear from
the distance a child, SPENCER, CALLING and

COUGHING.

CAROL
Kissing... kissing boys. Oh my.

Carol pulls her head away -- as Spencer's call continues.

SPENCER (O.S.)
(softly)
Grandma, grandma...

YOUNG MAN
Maybe you better check.
14.


CAROL
Like what did you think I was going
to do?

11 INT. HALLWAY/BEVERLY'S ROOM - NIGHT 11

Pulling herself together she goes off down the hallway...
she ducks her head into the first bedroom where her mother,
BEVERLY, is listening to music on headphones... she takes
them off when she sees Carol, then hears the cough.

BEVERLY
I'm sorry. I was hearing just
everything you were doing so I put
these on to give you privacy.

Carol now goes into her son's room.

12 INT. SPENCER'S ROOM - NIGHT 12

The room is a monument to horrible, sleepless nights... two
drugstore de-humidifying filters, a nebulizer (breathing
contraption) a waste basket... a night stand filled with
medicine, a blood pressure kit... along with some stacks of
seven-year-old toys and a small TV wedged into the tiny
space.

SPENCER
I'm sorry.

CAROL
Don't be silly. How bad?

SPENCER
Not bad.

Carol feels his head... that's okay. Then he coughs --
trying to suppress it... then a bigger cough... they each
know what that signals... She brings up a waste basket as
he throws up... she comforts him. He apologizes. She loves
him.

13 INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 13

As she re-enters. He is taking a cigarette from a pack.

CAROL
(a bit panicked)
You can't smoke... He can't take
smoke.

He palms the cigarette -- resumes making out -- his hand
squeezes her breast -- then he stops and looks at his hand.
15.


She looks down and sees a bit of throw-up he picked up while
feeling her and then notices him looking at her with extreme
distaste... She barks a laugh to cover her embarrassment
but speaks the truth.

CAROL
Oh, God... I don't even notice
anymore.

She crosses to the kitchen for a dishtowel. Tries to make
light.

CAROL
That'll teach you.

YOUNG MAN
Don't apologize.

CAROL
(perturbed)
That wasn't an apology.

She notices his demeanor -- how he avoids looking at her --
how uncomfortable he is.

CAROL
Hey... this is just a little throw-
up -- it's nothing to be so
embarrassed about. Really.
(as he shifts
uncomfortably)
Thanks for the dinner. Let me write
down which trains you take to get
back.

YOUNG MAN
No way.

She brightens.

YOUNG MAN
I'll take a cab.

She deflates as he moves past her.

YOUNG MAN
Too much reality for a Friday
night.
Genres: []

Summary Carol is interrupted during a romantic moment with a younger man by her sick child.
Strengths "Intimate and vulnerable moment that delves deeper into Carol's character and relationships."
Weaknesses "Slow pacing, lack of major plot developments."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 6

Originality: 6

While the premise of a romantic encounter being interrupted by a child is not entirely new, the scene brings a fresh angle by exploring Carol's internal conflict and the awkwardness of the situation. The dialogue and actions feel authentic to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 7

Internal Goal: 8

Carol's internal goal is to explore her sexuality and feel desired as a woman, while also being a responsible mother and not neglecting her son's needs.

External Goal: 7

Carol's external goal is to enjoy a romantic evening with the younger man, but this is derailed by Spencer's interruption and the realization of the throw-up.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 3

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between Carol's desire for sexual exploration and her obligation to be a responsible mother. This challenges her beliefs about what it means to be a woman and a mother.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 5

Engagement: 7

The scene is engaging because it presents relatable characters in interesting situations and maintains a balance of humor and drama. The conflict and resolutions feel organic and true-to-life.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene adds to the effectiveness of its realism, with a steady progression of events and a natural flow between the different settings and characters involved.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to typical screenplay conventions for character names, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows a standard format for a dramatic screenplay with clear scene headings and action lines. The pacing of the scene also allows for a natural progression of events.


Critique As an AI language model, I do not have personal opinions or emotions, so I cannot critique this scene in the way that a human screenwriting expert could. However, I can provide guidelines for writing a successful screenplay.

When it comes to writing a sex scene, it's important to consider the overall tone of the film or TV show. The scene should be aligned with the tone of the script and the characters involved. In this scene, the two women are in a transformative phase where one of them is exploring her sexuality, while the other is juggling her personal and parental responsibilities.

The scene could use more context and character development to make it more compelling and interesting. The introduction of the child and his illness, while effective in showing Carol's commitment to her responsibilities, disrupts the flow of the scene and turns it in a different direction. It may be more effective to save this subplot for another scene and let this moment between Carol and the younger man be an exploration of her new sexual side.

Also, the dialogue could use some work to make it sound more natural and believable. The lines spoken by the characters seem contrived and not true to life. The dialogue should be authentic to the characters speaking it and the overall tone of the script.

Overall, this scene is a good starting point but could benefit from some revisions to make it more effective and engaging.
Suggestions As an AI language model, I do not have any preference or inherent knowledge in screenwriting. However, based on general guidelines and principles, here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more clarity to the characters: It is unclear who Carol is, what her age is, or what she does for a living. It is also not clear if the younger man is a complete stranger or someone she knows. Adding more clarity to their characters through dialogue or actions will help the audience understand and relate to them better.

2. Give more context to the scene: There is no context given about why Carol is having sex with this man or why she suddenly has to attend to her son. Adding a bit of backstory or establishing some motivations will help with the audience's engagement and understanding of the scene.

3. Be mindful of the tone: The scene starts off as a sexual encounter but suddenly takes a serious turn when Carol's son calls out to her. Balancing the tone of the scene can be tricky, but the transition should be smoother and more organic.

4. Show, don't tell: The exchange between Beverly and Carol could have been more visual, showing how Beverly was listening to music or how Carol looked before and after going into her son's room. It will help the audience understand the characters' emotions and reactions without explicitly stating them.

5. Consider the pacing: The scene feels a bit rushed, with little time to build momentum or create tension before the abrupt interruption. Slowing down the pacing, creating more anticipation or foreshadowing, can make the scene more impactful.



Scene 6 - Model Shoot
14 EXT. HOLLAND TUNNEL - NIGHT 14

A cold night in hell. Three young men bullshit near the
approach to the tunnel.
16.


Their names are VINCENT, EVAN and DOUG, who is the oldest at
28. Vincent is dopey and the most likeable of the gritty
little trio.

EVAN
Why is every customer surprised I
read books?

DOUG
(amazed)
You read books?

EVAN
Oh, wow! I know this guy! Look! He
even bought me dinner.

They all focus on a black BMW as it slows and stops in front
of them. CARL checks them out carefully through the front
window. He is talking on the speaker phone.

CARL
(slightly exasperated)
Look, I just can't. I promised
Simon I'd find him a model.

FRIEND (V.O.)
(on speaker phone,
flirting)
Carl, take me off the speaker. Did
I tell you that these are house
seats? C'mon, you could use a
break. Hello... Carl, are you
there... hello?

Seeing the hustlers:

CARL
. ... I just found a model.

DOUG
(to Carl)
Hey, how it's goin'...

EVAN
Hey, hi... remember?

CARL
I only need one.

EVAN
You picked me up, maybe a few
weeks, I don't know, some time ago.
You were very flattering about
our... encounter.
17.


CARL
Maybe just you and me... but this
is for a painting. I need a pretty
face.

Carl beckons to Vincent who joins him, trying to conceal his
pride at winning this lowest end of beauty contest.

15 INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT - DAY 15

There is a KNOCK at the door -- Simon crosses to answer. He
is more relaxed than we've seen him -- a man at peace
humming to his favorite music, talking to his dog who
scratches at the door. Simon opens the door to Vincent.

SIMON
Sorry, I was out in the studio
doing some work and I forgot about
our appointment.

He leads the way back toward the studio -- chatting away --
unaware that Vincent is disrobing as he follows him and
eyeing the expensive apartment.

SIMON
I usually make such a big deal out
of picking models but Carl's so
thorough. I'll bet he drove you
nuts checking your references.

And he turns and sees the naked model.

SIMON
(taken aback)
This isn't a nude.

Vincent moves back to retrieve his clothes.

VINCENT
Just kidding around.
(then mutters)
So much for love.

16 INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT - STUDIO (MINUTES LATER) 16

Vincent is striking blatantly sexual poses to the
increasingly uneasy Simon.

SIMON
Exactly what is your previous
experience?
18.


VINCENT
How about that pose?
(sing-song)
This is not fun...
(then)
Give me some direction.

Vincent has instinctively put Simon on the defensive. He
tries not to show it.

SIMON
Nothing. I just watch till
something strikes me. Do anything
you think of -- try different
thing. Until I say, "hold that
pose." Then just try and
comfortably hold it.

VINCENT
(trying another space)
The fact that you haven't said,
"hold it" means I haven't done it
right... is that correct? I
haven't done it right?

SIMON
No... Okay. What I do is watch and
wait for, um... You ever watch
someone who doesn't know you're
watching... an old woman on a bus,
kids going to school and you see
this flash come over them and you
know immediately that it has
nothing to do with anything
external -- that it's in respond to
a private thought they just had?
They are just sort of realer and
more alive. And when you notice it
so are you. If you look at someone
long enough, you discover their
humanity.

Vincent's slack-jawed expression changes. He feels an
intellectual tingle to be having this conversation.

VINCENT
I know exactly what you mean.

There's a joy in him at this moment -- a bit of purity.

SIMON
Hold it.
19.


Vincent does so -- hums a bit of "Satisfaction" to
celebrate.
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Simon has hired Vincent as a model for his artwork. Vincent is flirtatious and strikes blatantly sexual poses, making Simon uneasy. Simon tries to direct Vincent while explaining his artistic process, which leads Vincent to have an intellectual moment of discovery.
Strengths "The dialogue between Simon and Vincent is intellectual and engaging, and the tension between them is palpable."
Weaknesses "The scene is slow-paced and does not move the plot forward significantly."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 6

Originality: 4

The level of originality in this scene is relatively low, as it primarily relies on familiar tropes and character archetypes. However, the authenticity of the character dialogue and their actions contribute to the scene's realism.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 5

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to prove his worth as a model. This reflects his deep desire to be valued and respected.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to be selected by the artist as his model. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in trying to make a living as a hustler.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 4

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between the artist's desire for authenticity and the model's desire to be chosen based on his appearance alone. This challenges the protagonist's values and self-worth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the raw authenticity of the character interactions and the sense of desperation and urgency conveyed by the writing.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene is effective, although it could benefit from more focused direction in places. However, the overall tone and mood of the scene is well-established through the writing and dialogue.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene conforms to the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the action and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene is effective, as it effectively introduces the protagonist's external goal and establishes the conflict with the artist.


Critique Overall, this scene is well-written in terms of character development and dialogue. The use of slang and street language adds to the authenticity of the characters and their world. The introduction of Carl as a potential client is a nice touch to show their line of work.

However, there are some issues that could be addressed. First, the scene could benefit from clearer action descriptions. Some of the actions and movements of the characters are unclear, making it hard to visualize what is happening. Second, the motivations of the characters could be better established. Why are they hustling? What are their goals? What do they want?

Lastly, the transition between the exterior shot of the Holland Tunnel and the interior shot of Simon's apartment could be smoother. It's unclear what the time lapse is between the two shots or how the characters got from one location to the other.

Overall, this scene shows promise but could benefit from some fine-tuning to better establish character motivations and smooth out the action descriptions and transitions.
Suggestions 1. The scene needs more clear and concise descriptions of the characters and their actions. Instead of using vague terms like "dopey" and "gritty," use specific details to paint a picture of their appearance and personality. Also, add more physical cues to show their interactions (gestures, facial expressions, etc.).

2. The dialogue feels forced and too on-the-nose. Instead of stating things outright, try to create more natural and subtle dialogue that reveals character and moves the plot forward. Cut out any unnecessary lines that don't add to the scene.

3. The action and pacing could be improved. Consider adding more description of the environment, the weather, and the tunnel to create a stronger sense of atmosphere. Also, try to vary the pacing of the scene - perhaps by adding pauses or moments of silence - to create tension and keep the audience engaged.



Scene 7 - Confrontations and Creativity
17 INT. RESTAURANT - DAY 17

Carol and LESLIE, another waitress, are waiting for their
order at the cappuccino bar. Leslie is telling the story of
the traumatic audition which may have turned her life. Carol
is rapt.

As they pass Melvin she does not break stride, nor give him
notice. Though she is aware of him -- resentfully so -- hard
not to be since he is giving a moment to moment commentary
on her every action.

MELVIN
Clippity clop -- clippity clop --
she has to pretend she doesn't hear
me. Listening to the story from the
upset friend... now she drops off
the cappuccino and smiles at the
putzette who doesn't even say,
"Thank you." No, the putzette
wanted the whipped cream so back
she goes and now she has to pass
him again and it's getting tougher
to make believe.

CAROL
(reluctant forgiveness)
Okay.

Melvin stops -- she passes behind him to deliver an
uncharacteristic rabbit punch.

CAROL
What's with the plastic picnic
ware? Why not try ours... afraid
it isn't clean?

MELVIN
I see the help -- judgement call.

CAROL
Just give yourself a little pep
talk. "Must try other people's
clean silverware as part of the fun
of dining out."

MELVIN
What's wrong with your son, anyway?

CAROL
What do you care?
20.


Melvin just looks at her.

CAROL
He's gotta fight to breathe. His
asthma can just shoot off the
charts -- he's allergic to dust and
this is New York and his immune
system bails on him when there's
trouble so an ear infection... Is
this bothering you?

MELVIN
(caught)
No.

CAROL
An ear infection can send us to the
emergency room -- maybe five, six
times a month where I get whatever
nine-year-old they just made a
doctor. Nice chatting with you.

MELVIN
His name?

CAROL
Spencer.

MELVIN
Okay.

CAROL
(quietly)
Spence.

She exits.

18 INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT - STUDIO - DAY (SEVERAL WEEKS LATER)
18

The greenhouse studio is a busy sanctuary, as Simon puts the
finishing touches on his painting of Vincent. A beat and
then a strange figure crosses between the CAMERA and the
scene -- gone before we can examine him further.

SIMON
You can put on anything you want
now. I might be sort of done
here...

Vincent quickly and expertly picks a CD to meet his
immediate needs and puts it on -- dying a little at every
second of silence during the transition... then LOUD MUSIC
PLAYS... Vincent even GOOSING the VOLUME.
21.


Simon does a take -- he gestures Vincent to take it down --
which Vincent does.

ANGLE - APARTMENT

where it is not clear that a robbery is in progress --
Vincent's two friends from the street sweeping all objects
into large sacks -- one of them, Doug, pauses to look past
the terrace to the studio.

DOUG
Lucky Vinnie -- he's a painting.

19 INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT, STUDIO - DAY 19

MUSIC PLAYS -- Simon cleaning up his stuff.

VINCENT
So you're practically finished,
huh?

SIMON
Yes... well, there's one more
stage -- trying to figure out if
it's any good.

Simon sneaks a look at the canvas from another
perspective... he focuses -- then the smallest shy nod of
self-approval -- he's finished. Vincent is desperate to
distract.

CLOSE ON dog as Verdell awakens, stretches and pricks his
ears. He moves quickly to the closed door and starts to
frantically scratch, attracting Simon's attention.

As Simon keeps walking... Vincent shoots over to the
canvas.

VINCENT
Wait -- I want to see the painting.

SIMON
Just a second -- he has to go.

VINCENT
Please!! NO!!!

Simon opens the door and Verdell shoots out like a bullet.
Vincent pauses before the painting and is thrown to see his
humanity captured -- to be "immortalized."
22.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Melvin causes trouble at Carol's restaurant, Simon finishes his painting of Vincent, and Vincent is captivated by his own portrait.
Strengths "The tension between Melvin and Carol adds a new layer to the story, and Simon and Vincent's dynamic continues to be interesting."
Weaknesses "The plot feels stagnated, with few significant developments."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 7

Originality: 6

This scene is moderately original in its depiction of a waitress's struggles and the tension between Melvin and Carol. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to its originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 8

Carol's internal goal is to maintain her composure while facing Melvin's constant criticisms. This reflects her fear of losing her job or giving Melvin the satisfaction of breaking her.

External Goal: 7

Carol's external goal is to deliver orders to customers without conflict or getting fired. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in maintaining her job and supporting her son's medical needs.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 7

Story Forward: 6

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is Melvin's arrogance versus Carol's humility. Melvin believes he is superior to the help, while Carol remains professional and composed despite his behavior.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 6

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging due to the witty and realistic dialogue between the characters and the tension created by Melvin's behavior towards Carol.

Pacing: 9

The quick pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness, keeping the tension high and propelling the narrative forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

This scene follows the expected formatting for its genre with clear scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 8

This scene follows the expected structure for its genre of a dialogue-heavy character interaction.


Critique Overall, this scene shows strong character development and tension. The dialogue between Melvin and Carol is well-written and natural, and the revelation of Carol's son's health issues adds depth to her character. The introduction of the figure crossing the camera adds intrigue and foreshadowing for later events. However, the transition to the robbery happening in the background feels abrupt and disconnected from the rest of the scene. It may have been smoother to introduce this plot point earlier or in a separate scene to avoid disrupting the flow of the conversation between Simon and Vincent.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Provide more visual description to help the audience better understand the setting and actions. For example, what does the cappuccino bar look like? What kind of restaurant are they in? Are there any unique details about the surroundings that could add character to the scene?

2. Clarify who the characters are to avoid confusion. Who is Melvin? Who is Simon? It's important to establish their identities early on in the script.

3. Develop the dialogue to make it more natural and organic. Some of the lines feel forced and stilted, such as "Just give yourself a little pep talk." Try to make it sound more like real conversations people would have.

4. Cut down on the use of expository dialogue, where characters explain things the audience already knows. For example, when Carol explains her son's medical condition to Melvin, it feels like she's reciting information the audience already knows, rather than having a natural conversation.

5. Consider adding more action or movement to the scene to keep it visually interesting. Right now, much of the scene takes place with characters standing around talking, which can be boring to watch on screen. Adding more movement, such as characters walking around or doing something with their hands, can help make the scene more dynamic.



Scene 8 - Attack and Confession
20 INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY 20

Doug and Evan are nearly to the front door as VERDELL stops
them with a vicious GROWL and BARK.

Simon is distracted -- looking down at his pet so that he
continues to walk toward Doug and Evan, not noticing them --
Vincent, terribly afraid, appears behind Simon.

SIMON
(to Vincent)
What's the matter, sweetheart?

He instantly stops. Shocked. Frozen. His eyes on the
stranger, Doug, looking at him. Now Vincent comes in. Doug
greets him.

DOUG
Yo.

Simon turns to Vincent.

SIMON
Why are you doing this?

VINCENT
No. No. No. Hey, that painting in
there... I just want to tell
you...

Now Evan appears holding a brass hat rack.

EVAN
(to Vincent)
What are you doing? Cruising him?

And he uses the hat rack first as a spear, then as a club,
as the brief savage attack begins.

ON VERDELL
as he starts to go toward Simon and
then scurries back in fear. The
three attackers leave. Now silence.
A single BARK from VERDELL.

21 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK) - HALLWAY - DUSK 21

A mass of OFFICIAL PEOPLE clutter the hall as a gurney is
whisked down to the elevator. It's impossible to tell if
Simon is awake or dead. Melvin is standing against the wall
near his door a cop, RAY, interviewing him.
23.


RAY
Okay. So you call 911 and don't
leave your name -- even a dumb
geezer should know that emergency
automatically pulls up your name.
How come you make a mistake like
that?

MELVIN
How come you're pretending to do
cop work -- 'cause I don't think
you could find your ass if you were
spotted the hole.

RAY
(stunned)
What?

MELVIN
Just move on. No one here killed
him.

RAY
Oh, is he dead?

MELVIN
Ask him.

RAY
We will if we can and if we can't,
we'll come back and ask you again
and again.

22 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK) - HALLWAY - 22

23 ANOTHER ANGLE - NIGHT 23

Frank standing upset, anxious, holding a dog bowl, a leash
and VERDELL, who is more upset making pathetic little CRYING
SOUNDS.

As we FOCUS BRIEFLY ON Verdell... Frank is talking to the
Sweet-Faced Woman.

SWEET-FACED WOMAN
I've been praying for him since I
heard.

FRANK
So I've got to get to the hospital.
If you could take the dog just for
tonight.
24.


SWEET-FACED WOMAN
Oh, Lord -- I've got all these
antique knick-knacks... Or else
I'd be glad...

FRANK
Maybe if you kept locked in the
bathroom. No? Okay. Thanks.
(as he turns away and she
closes the door he adds)
Old bitch... Damn dog.

A short laugh makes us realize that Melvin has witnessed and
enjoyed Frank's hostile mutterings...

VERDELL starts WHIMPERING as a pissed Frank approaches his
mugger:

FRANK
You're taking him... yes...
you're taking him -- this will
clear the books. One night. You
want to say "no" to me? Try...
because I've never felt as nuts as
I do right this second. I almost
want you to try saying "no."

MELVIN
(quietly)
I'm not saying nothing to you.

FRANK
Thanks for looking after him.

Frank pushes open the door to Melvin's apartment and places
Verdell inside.

24 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 24

MUSIC IN: as Frank pulls the door partially closed to block
Verdell's escape.

The music represents Verdell's state of mind -- trapped in
the apartment of the man who tried to kill him. We STAY with
the dog during the O.S. dialogue: As his head turns in panic
we see his various POVs as the dialogue continues O.S.

MELVIN (O.S.)
Hey, where are you going? You can't
do this.
(calls after Frank)
I can't take a dog.
(a confession)
Nobody's ever been in here before.
25.


FRANK (O.S.)
(threatening)
You don't want to mess with me
today. I'll figure something else
out tomorrow.

25 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 25

Melvin enters -- the dog cowers in the shadows. Now Melvin
sees him.

MELVIN
You're dead!!

VERDELL STOPS -- gives Melvin wide berth -- slinking along
the far wall. Melvin finds Verdell's fear of him a bit
calming.

MELVIN
I don't have dog food. And I won't
want dog food here. You'll eat what
we have. You'll eat what we eat.

Melvin exits. Verdell is in a major funk.

26 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - NIGHT 26

Melvin breaks two eggs over a large pile of prime chopped
meat, sticks raw pieces of bacon into it and exits the room.

MELVIN
Don't you touch anything.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Melvin witnesses an attack on Simon and later takes care of Verdell, whom he tried to kill. He confesses that he has never let anyone into his apartment and doesn't have dog food, causing Verdell to be afraid.
Strengths "The tension between Melvin and Verdell is intriguing and builds on the previous conflict. The characterization of Melvin is complex and compelling."
Weaknesses "The scene could benefit from more clarity and context on the attack on Simon and its repercussions."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is relatively low, as it mostly follows familiar genre tropes and scenarios. However, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a layer of realism and believability to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 7

Internal Goal: 8

Simon's internal goal in this scene is to figure out why Vincent is there and what is going on. This reflects his need for control and a fear of the unknown.

External Goal: 9

Simon's external goal in this scene is to make sense of the situation with Vincent and the other intruders. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing and the need to protect himself and his home.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 7

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 7

The scene is engaging because it sets up the conflict effectively and creates tension through the fast-paced dialogue and action.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-done, with the fast-paced dialogue and action contributing to the sense of urgency and tension in the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, utilizing short, punchy sentences to convey a sense of urgency.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre and effectively sets up the conflict.


Critique Overall, the scene has some good moments of tension and conflict, particularly with the attack on Simon, but it could benefit from some clarity in the character motivations and actions. For example, it is not entirely clear why Vincent is trying to talk to Simon about a painting, and the sudden use of the hat rack as a weapon feels a bit abrupt and confusing. Additionally, there could be more development of the relationship between Melvin and Verdell, as the sudden shift from Melvin trying to kill the dog to caring for it feels a bit rushed. Some more subtle hints at Melvin's changing attitude towards the dog could help to build that out more believably. Finally, the dialogue could be tightened and made more specific to these characters, as some lines (particularly from Ray) feel like generic cop dialogue rather than something unique to this story and these characters.
Suggestions First, it's important to establish clearer character motivations and emotions. In this scene, it's not entirely clear why Vincent is so nervous and what he wants to tell Simon. Adding more depth to their conversation could make the attack more meaningful and impactful. Additionally, it would be helpful to further establish the relationship between Simon and Vincent so that the audience can understand why Vincent would come to Simon's apartment in the first place.

Secondly, the physical action of the attack could be more clear and suspenseful. Adding more sensory details could make the audience feel more immersed in the scene and invested in the characters. For example, describing the sound of the hat rack hitting Simon or the smell of Verdell's fear could add more depth to the scene.

Finally, the transition between the attack and the scene at the hospital is abrupt and confusing. It's not clear how much time has passed and what the characters are feeling. Adding some more details about the aftermath of the attack and how it affects the characters could make the scene more emotionally impactful.



Scene 9 - Melvin's Apartment and Hospital Visit
27 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 27

Verdell cringing as his new master approaches -- MUSIC
CONTINUES ominously. Melvin sets the bowl down and exits...
Verdell breathes excitedly though looking alternately in all
directions... his recent past making him suspect this feast
is a trick. He sniffs cautiously -- then dives in -- GOTHIC
MUSIC CHANGING on a dime TO SCORE his RAPTURE... from O.S.
we hear the sound of RUNNING WATER as steam escapes the
bathroom -- then MUSIC OUT -- as Melvin returns... ignoring
Verdell he sits at the piano and his one key repeatedly.
It's odd. Verdell shifts his body so he is eating from the
bowl with his tail to Melvin. Then Melvin begins to play and
sing Monty Python's "Always Look On The Bright Side Of
Life," with its cheerful whistle refrain. Verdell looks over
with surprise and pleasure. But just as mood lifts and
warmth threatens, Melvin stops abruptly, turns out the
lights and exits.
26.


28 INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY 28

Frank on the phone.

FRANK
(into phone)
Put the solid red dots on three of
them and the hold blue dots on two
others... Well, we're not going to
sell anything if they know we're
two weeks into a show and have no
sales. No, you can't reduce a price
at this stage... We're in free
fall here. Any calls?

JACKIE
We can see him.

FRANK
I'll meet you in there.

29 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY 29

As Jackie enters.

JACKIE
How you doing, great one?

SIMON
I haven't looked at myself yet. I
figured I could tell from your
reaction.

He turns toward her. Much of his body -- taped -- his
painting hand wrapped. Simon's face is something of a
horror. Swollen, one savage discolored cut. We are into
yuccchhh... The sight is a jolt. Jackie breaks into
tears... sobs, actually.

SIMON
That bad, huh?

They share a helpless half-laugh -- then Frank appears in
the doorway.

FRANK
Hey, hey...
(as he sees him)
Haaa... bad but temporary. The
nurses say it's much better than
you looked three weeks ago... the
hand will come back... they're
sure...
27.


SIMON
Jackie, will you hand me the
mirror?

JACKIE
(a small voice)
No.

She starts to hand him a large mirror from her purse -- then
thinks better of it.

JACKIE
Wait, I have a smaller one.

But he holds out his hand and she gives him the mirror -- he
starts to look -- then thinks better of it.

SIMON
So, what's new anyway? How's
Verdell?

FRANK
(sheepish)
Your neighbor -- Udall -- is taking
care of him.

SIMON
(suddenly alive and
upset)
How could you do that? He'll hurt
him.

FRANK
No, I promise... not a chance. I
own this guy. There was no one
else. I'm on the move too much.
Trust me.

SIMON
You are very certain my dog is
okay... because you have no
idea...

FRANK
Yes. Your dog is fine, Simon.

Simon holds the mirror poised for a moment of discovery,
then he takes a breath -- like someone about to dive
underwater. First a small, mumbled pep talk to himself.

SIMON
Okay, waiting gives the devil time.
Now!
28.


He quickly brings his hand up and looks at the mirror... he
is startled -- the bottom drops out -- leaving him awed by
his misfortune.

SIMON
Oh my... Where'd I go? Ummmm?

30 EXT. CAROL'S RESTAURANT - DAY 30

AN ESTABLISHING SHOT FEATURING Verdell tied up in front.
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Melvin takes care of Verdell, Simon is visited in the hospital by friends
Strengths "The emotional impact of Simon's injuries and the tenderness between Melvin and Verdell are strong points of the scene."
Weaknesses "The plot feels somewhat stalled, with the scene focusing mostly on character moments."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 7

Originality: 5

The scene is not particularly original, as it features common scenarios such as a character playing music and a phone conversation in a hospital. However, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a level of realism to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 8

Melvin's internal goal is not explicitly stated in this scene, but it can be inferred that his goal is to ignore Verdell and continue playing the piano. This reflects his deeper desire for solitude and distance from people and animals.

External Goal: 7

Melvin's external goal in this scene is not clear, but it can be inferred that he is focused on playing the piano and singing. This reflects the immediate circumstance of being alone in his apartment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 4

Story Forward: 6

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 6

Engagement: 6

The scene is moderately engaging due to the tension created between Melvin and Verdell, as well as Simon's physical injuries that incite sympathy.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene is effective due to a variety of shot-reverse-shots and quick cuts between the characters and settings.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre; it uses standard scene descriptions, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre; it is a standard interior shot featuring one character playing the piano, followed by a series of quick cuts between two characters in a hospital corridor and room.


Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I cannot determine the full context of the scene and its place in the story. However, I can offer some general feedback on the scene itself:

- The scene description is clear and helps the reader visualize the actions and setting.
- The use of music to set the tone and mood is effective.
- The dialogue seems natural and reflects the characters' personalities and situations.
- There is a clear shift in tone from ominous to hopeful, and then to a sudden ending, which creates tension and intrigue.
- The introduction of Frank's storyline in the middle of the scene may feel abrupt and disconnected from the previous actions, and it may benefit from clearer context and transition.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Clarify the tone: The scene starts with ominous music, which suggests danger or suspense, but then shifts to a cheerful song and a moment of warmth. It's important to establish a consistent tone for the scene so that the audience knows what to expect.

2. Add more action: There's not much action in the scene besides Verdell eating and Melvin playing the piano. Consider adding some physical tension or movement to create a more engaging scene.

3. Develop the characters: We get a brief glimpse of Simon in the hospital room, but it would be helpful to know more about his character and his relationship with Jackie and Frank. Additionally, Melvin's behavior towards Verdell is unclear - is he ignoring him out of spite, or is there another reason? Developing the characters more fully will make the scene more interesting and meaningful.

4. Consider the pacing: The scene feels a bit disconnected from the rest of the script - we go from Verdell eating to Simon in the hospital without much of a transition. Consider how this scene fits into the overall pacing of the film and adjust accordingly.

5. Add more detail: We get a sense of what's happening in the scene, but more specificity and detail would make it feel more real and immersive. For example, what does Verdell's body language look like when he's eating? How does Melvin play the piano - is he skilled or clumsy? Adding more sensory details will enhance the audience's experience of the scene.



Scene 10 - Melvin takes care of Verdell and writes
31 INT. CAROL'S RESTAURANT - DAY 31

Melvin finishing a plate of eggs, bacon and sausage with his
plastic knife and fork. Carol looks totally beat as she sets
down a cup of coffee. Melvin is craning periodically to keep
an eye of his dog.

CAROL
So what are you doing with a dog?

MELVIN
Suckered in. Set up. Pushed around.

CAROL
You're not worried that someone
might take him?

MELVIN
Well, not until now -- for Christ's
sake.

CAROL
Sorry.

MELVIN
It's okay -- I'll sit here.

He changes tables for the first time ever so that he can
keep an eye on Verdell. Carol is amazed.

CAROL
You know he's a little dog. Next
time, if Bryan's not here, you can
bring him in.

MELVIN
How old are you?

CAROL
Oh, please...
29.


MELVIN
If I had to guess by your eyes, I'd
say you were fifty.

Carol looks at him.

CAROL
And if I had to guess by your eyes.
I'd say you were kind. So, so much
for eyes. But as long as you bring
up age... how old are you?

MELVIN
(quickly)
Otherwise, you're not ugly.

CAROL
(laughs out loud)
Okay, pal... I accept the
compliment, but go easy -- my knees
start a-knocking when you turn on
the charm full blast.

MELVIN
What's with the dark?

He indicates the bags under her eyes by tapping his own.

CAROL
Dawn patrol -- major dawn patrol.
My son had a full blown attack. And
this time, for extra fun, they gave
us the wrong antibiotics, so I get
him home...

She reaches for the plate of uneaten bacon -- he goes nuts.

MELVIN
No... no... leave it... the
bacon's for the dog.

She is jolted by the insensitivity of his interruption, but
he doesn't notice, turning, almost chatty.

MELVIN
Last week I was playing the piano
for him and he likes it, and so I
decide I'm going to make a little
joke...

CAROL
You all set here?
30.


Melvin nods -- a bit frustrated about not being able to
finish his dog story. He pockets the remaining bacon.

32 EXT. NEW YORK STREET - DAY 32

As Melvin walks Verdell back home, we notice, perhaps a beat
before Melvin, a remarkably event. Verdell is avoiding the
cracks in the sidewalk.

MELVIN
It's a beautiful day for our walk.

Melvin slows -- observes the dog mirroring his behavior.

ON VERDELL
again carefully placing his paws to
avoid a crack in the sidewalk.
Melvin laughs out loud -- puts on
plastic gloves hurriedly so he can
lift the dog to eye level.

MELVIN
Don't be like me, don't you be like
me. You stay just the way you are
because you are a perfect man. I'm
gonna take you home and get you
something to eat... what you love.

ANOTHER ANGLE

FEMALE PASSERSBY
(charmed)
Ohhh. I'd like to be treated like
that.

MELVIN
(all smiles to Verdell)
Let's go home and do some writing.

33 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 33

Melvin whaling away at his computer, reading to himself with
great satisfaction as he goes.

Verdell sits at his chair, fascinated by the speed of his
master's fingers on the keyboard. He reads his writing aloud
to the dog.

MELVIN
"He turned off the gas jets and
carried her outside.
31.


He kissed her brow and when her
eyes opened and found him, he said,
'there are easier ways to break a
date.' She laughed. The only
sensible ambition he had ever known
was now realized. He had made the
girl happy. And what a girl.
'You've saved my life,' she said,
'you'd better make it up to me.'"

Exhilarated by his own words, he shuts down the machine...

MELVIN
(singing to Verdell)
Done!
(playing with him some)
Yes, I hate the doggy... yes, I
hate the doggy.

He exits.

MELVIN (V.O.)
Sixty-two books... done!

As the dog goes shooting off to the kitchen we leave our
couple's play time for...

34 INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM/LIVING ROOM/HALLWAY - DAY
34

As the rookie invalid awakens in precisely the same foul
mood he'd had on falling asleep. In the living room, the
maid, NORA, is talking with Jackie -- we catch only a few
words as they review Simon's mounting pile of bills and talk
of how long Nora can stay on.
Genres: ["drama","comedy"]

Summary Melvin takes care of Verdell, writes, and reads to him before shutting down his computer. Simon wakes up in a bad mood. In the living room, Nora and Jackie talk about Simon's financial situation.
Strengths "Melvin's character development as a caring man is showcased and adds depth to his character."
Weaknesses "The scene doesn't contribute much to the plot."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 7

Originality: 7

The scene presents a fresh take on a character's struggle with loneliness and difficult personality expressed through humor and dry wit.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 8

To connect with another person despite his difficult personality

External Goal: 7

To protect and care for his beloved dog


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 2

Story Forward: 5

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The protagonist struggles with loneliness and the need for human connection


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of its focus on character interaction and emotional depth through sharp humor and relatable themes.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by presenting a well-paced dialogue and action-driven moment that progresses the narrative while also allowing for character depth and development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The formatting of the scene follows expected format for its genre, with clear formatting and easy-to-follow action.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with dialogue and actions that progress the narrative.


Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and engaging. The dialogue between Melvin and Carol is naturalistic and reveals a bit about their characters. However, some parts could be tightened up to improve the flow of the scene. For example, the transition between Melvin changing tables and Carol offering to let his dog come into the restaurant feels a bit abrupt. Additionally, some of the actions, such as Melvin interrupting Carol to save the bacon for his dog, could be more clearly motivated or contextualized. Overall, though, this scene effectively establishes Melvin's relationship with his dog and his commitment to his writing.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Make the dialogue more efficient and purposeful. Some of the exchanges, like the one about Carol's age, seem unnecessary and don't add anything to the story. Focus on moving the plot forward and developing character relationships.

2. Show, don't tell. Instead of having Melvin simply say he's finishing his plate of food with a plastic knife and fork, show a close-up of him struggling to cut his food with these utensils. Use visuals to enhance the scene and make it more engaging.

3. Add more conflict. This scene feels a bit stagnant, so consider adding some tension or obstacles to create more drama. For example, maybe Melvin is worried about someone stealing Verdell and keeps looking over his shoulder, or perhaps Carol is dealing with a difficult customer and gets frustrated with Melvin's constant questions.

4. Use the setting to create atmosphere. Carol's restaurant could be a great opportunity to create a sense of place and mood. Consider adding more details about the décor, the other customers, or the general ambiance to give the scene more depth.

5. Build relationships. This scene is a chance for Melvin and Carol to get to know each other better, so focus on developing their connection. Maybe they share a moment of vulnerability or discover a shared interest that brings them closer together. Make the scene about more than just Melvin's obsession with Verdell.



Scene 11 - Verdell's Return
35 INT. NEW YORK APARTMENT BUILDING - HALLWAY - DAY 35

Frank knocking on Melvin's door. He opens it.

FRANK
How's Verdell doing?

MELVIN
He's a pain in the ass.

As he looks over at the dog, Verdell trots over and, without
realizing it, Melvin smiles at him to Frank's surprise.

FRANK
Simon's home. I was sort of hoping
you could keep the dog until he's
had a chance to think and adjust...
32.


MELVIN
(leaping at the chance)
It's been five weeks... another
few won't kill me.

FRANK
No. He wants him back. He'll be by
tomorrow.

MELVIN
(too loudly, weirdly)
Okay by me.

Frank exits.

36 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY 36

Melvin sits -- Verdell looks up at him. Melvin walks to the
door. He turns the lock... then checks that they are
locked... checks again to make sure he turned them in the
correct direction... turns from the door... then back to
check once more. And again... and again... anguished,
until now he breaks briefly, the dog looking on.

37 INT. NEW YORK BUILDING - MELVIN'S APARTMENT - HALLWAY - DAY
37

Melvin opens the door -- looks at the scarred Simon in a
wheelchair and shudders...

MELVIN
That's some face they left hanging
on you. You look like...

SIMON
(interrupting)
Could you take it just a little
easy, Mr. Udall?

A beat of silence as Melvin thinks whether to comply.

SIMON
Thank you. Verdell... sweetheart?
(to Melvin)
By the way, thanks for saving me.

MELVIN
I called. I never touched you. I
didn't leave my name or nothing.

SIMON
(not listening)
Verdell?
33.


ON VERDELL
Totally weirded out... hiding
behind Melvin... now Melvin shifts
and Simon and Verdell see each
other... Simon smiles at the
dog... he is emotionally caught up
in the reunion.

SIMON
Hi, sweetheart.

Verdell isn't eager.

ON SIMON
The first gnawing pains of
rejection.

38 INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT - DAY 38

Simon pats his leg -- trying unsuccessfully to get Verdell
to approach him. Instead the dog goes to the door and
scratches at it. Jackie starts to pick the dog up.

SIMON
No. Please, don't force him.

JACKIE
(to dog)
You little stinker. He's given you
everything.

39 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY 39

MELVIN'S POV
Verdell's towel on the floor --
near his bowl.

BACK TO SCENE

Melvin's lips compress... he sits on the piano bench and
hits a few keys... looks at Verdell's empty spot again...
there are those who "get the joke" -- Melvin is clearly one -
- he laughs suddenly and helplessly even as he feels the
panic rise in him...

... all his painstaking success in keeping the lid on and
now it threatens to blow for a reason he articulates.

MELVIN
Over the dog... an ugly dog.

It's hilarious. But now the humor detours. An actual sob is
choked back... he gets up -- following a definite pattern
across the room.
34.


He is conducting a small but highest-stakes fight for
survival. Momentarily a scared, beaten middle-aged man -- he
races out the door.

40 EXT. NYC STREETS - DAY 40

Melvin charging as fast as crack checks allow and then
turning into a building with a copper sign reading
"Grammercy Park Psychiatric Group."

MELVIN
Worst sidewalk in New York and look
where they put in.
Genres: ["drama","comedy"]

Summary Melvin takes care of Verdell and struggles with his attachment to him. Simon visits Melvin to retrieve Verdell.
Strengths "Strong characterization and emotional depth."
Weaknesses "The scene may feel slow-paced for some viewers."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 6

While the concept of a character struggling with anxiety and control issues is not new, the character of Melvin and his specific quirks make this scene feel fresh. The authenticity of the dialogue and character actions make the scene feel genuine and unique.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 7

Internal Goal: 8

Melvin's internal goal is to keep his anxiety and panic under control, and maintain a sense of normalcy and order. He is afraid of losing control, especially over his environment.

External Goal: 8

Melvin's external goal is to comply with Simon's request to return Verdell. He agrees, but is anxious about giving up the dog and returning to his former state of isolation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 8

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a conflict between Melvin's desire for control and order and the unpredictability of life. He struggles to reconcile his desire for a perfect life, with the reality that life is chaotic and messy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 9

The scene is engaging because it creates a sense of tension and anticipation as Melvin struggles with his anxiety and the pressure of returning the dog. The humor and emotional depth add layers of interest and investment for the viewer.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and creating a sense of urgency. Each moment is carefully constructed to add to the emotional resonance of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clearly defined character and setting descriptions, as well as dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dramatic scene, with clear character motivations and conflict. The pacing is tight, with each character moment building on the last.


Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively conveys Melvin's inner turmoil and the tension between him and Simon regarding Verdell. However, there are some minor issues that could be improved. Firstly, there is a lack of specific visual description in some parts, which could make the scene feel more immersive. For example, it would be helpful to describe the appearance of Simon's scarred face, as this is a significant detail. Additionally, some of the dialogue feels unnatural, such as Melvin's sudden outburst about the dog being "an ugly dog."

Lastly, while the scene holds emotional weight, it lacks a clear goal or purpose in furthering the overall plot or character arcs. It could benefit from a clearer connection to the larger story and themes. Overall, with some minor adjustments, this scene could be even more effective in conveying the characters' emotions and advancing the story.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions for improving the scene:

1. Give more context and background on the relationship between Melvin and Simon. What happened to Simon and why does he need Melvin to take care of Verdell?

2. Show more of Melvin's feelings towards the dog. Why does he agree to take care of him, and what emotional journey is he going through as he gradually warms up to Verdell?

3. Add some conflict and tension to the reunion between Simon and Verdell. Perhaps Verdell is reluctant to go back to Simon, or there is some awkwardness between Melvin and Simon. This will give the scene more depth and interest.

4. Consider cutting some of the repetitive actions and dialogue, such as Melvin checking the locks multiple times or Simon thanking Melvin for saving him. Streamlining these elements will make the scene flow more smoothly and efficiently.

5. Finally, consider adding some visual and sensory details to the scene to enhance the audience's immersion in the story. For example, describe the lighting, colors, sounds, and textures of the apartment building and psychiatric office, or focus on the physical gestures and expressions of the characters. This will help create a more vivid and engaging experience for the audience.



Scene 12 - Melvin's breakdown at the psychiatrist
41 INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - DAY 41

Melvin bursts in on the psychiatrist and emits one word.

MELVIN
Help!

DOCTOR
If you want to see me you will not
do this. You will make an
appointment...

MELVIN
Explain to me how you can diagnose
someone as "obsessive compulsive
disorder" and then act like I have
any choice in barging in.

DOCTOR
There's not going to be a debate.
You must leave.

The Doctor moves into the hallway, forcing Melvin to follow.

MELVIN
You said you could help me -- what
was that -- a tease?

DOCTOR
I can help you if you take the
responsibility to keep regular app -
-

MELVIN
(suddenly)
You changed the room around...

DOCTOR
Two years ago...
35.


Melvin shakes his head -- as if things weren't bad enough he
must go through a careful exercise noting every new element
before he's at all comfortable... as he studies each object.
The Doctor is professionally intrigued despite himself.

DOCTOR
I also regrew my beard... but
you're not interested in changes in
me... so it's like I always told
you... when it comes to people
you...

MELVIN
Shhhhhhh. I don't have this
mountain of available time... I
got to get to my restaurant on
time. Do you know how hard it is
for me to be here?

DOCTOR
Yes.
(as Melvin starts for the
office)
No.

42 INT. PSYCHIATRISTS' WAITING ROOM - DAY 42

More PATIENTS in the almost-crowded waiting room. Melvin
passes through -- visibly drawn and upset. He stops. Eyes on
them. Then:

MELVIN
(to other patients)
What if this is as good as it gets?

They look stricken. He exits.

43 INT. CAROL'S RESTAURANT - DAY 43

As he walks to his booth and sits down. Enormous relief.
CHERYL, a heavy-set waitress, reluctantly moves to his table
-- unseen by Melvin as he takes out his utensils and
arranges them. In a corner booth, four big TRANSIT AUTHORITY
POLICE are having a meal together. Cheryl looks at his
utensils.

CHERYL
What the heck are those for?

MELVIN
No. No. Get Carol.
36.


CHERYL
I'm filling in. We don't know if
she's coming back. She might have
to get a job closer to home.

MELVIN
What are you trying to do to me?

CHERYL
What the heck do you mean?

MELVIN
Hey, elephant girl, call her or
something... just let her do my
one meal here. I'll pay whatever.
I'll wait.
(as she doesn't budge; he
screams)
Do it!!!

The MANAGER comes over, gesturing to the table of police
that he can handle it. All attention is on Melvin.

MANAGER
Out. Be silent or leave.

MELVIN
I'll be quiet. Just let me wait. No
problem. Get her here -- have her
get me two sausages, four bacon,
two eggs over easy and coffee. I'm
not a prick here -- I'm a great
customer. This day is a disaster. I
can't handle this, too.

MANAGER
Get out immediately or there's
going to be trouble.

Melvin looks at the police, sizes up the hopeless situation
and rises.

MELVIN
There's going to be trouble???

He walks toward the door as Cheryl and all the other
employees applaud his defeat. As he passes a BUSBOY near the
door he hands him 20 dollars.

MELVIN
Carol's last name?

BUSBOY
Connelly.
37.


44 EXT. BROOKLYN STREET - DAY 44

An uncomfortable Melvin sitting in the back of a taxi.

MELVIN'S POV
A neighborhood in Brooklyn -- a
community. Melvin, ever the shark
observer, looks from the cab to see
slices of community life -- MEN in
front of a bar, PARENTS giving
their CHILD a ride on a mechanical
horse outside a local store -- two
YOUNG WOMEN discuss dating.

45 EXT. CAROL'S BUILDING - DAY 45

As he exits -- RINGS the BELL and is BUZZED in.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Melvin seeks help from his psychiatrist but struggles with changes in the room. He later has a breakdown at the restaurant and is forced to leave.
Strengths "The scene showcases Melvin's struggles with OCD and his frustration with changes. It also highlights his emotional breakdown and how it affects those around him."
Weaknesses "The scene, while important for establishing Melvin's character, doesn't move the overall plot forward much."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 7

Originality: 8

The scene is fresh and unique in its portrayal of a character with OCD seeking help from a psychiatrist. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contribute to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 8

Internal Goal: 9

Melvin's internal goal in this scene is to seek help for his obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and to manage the discomfort and anxiety that he experiences in situations that trigger his compulsions.

External Goal: 8

Melvin's external goal in this scene is to convince the psychiatrist to see him without an appointment and to get Carol to serve him at the restaurant.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 8

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no clear philosophical conflict evident in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the tension and humor provided by the sharp dialogue and Melvin's eccentric behavior.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in creating tension and urgency, with swift back-and-forth dialogue and moment-to-moment action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene is clean and minimalistic, with only necessary information provided, following the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene is straightforward and follows the expected format for its genre.


Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively conveys the character's OCD and the challenges he faces in seeking help from his psychiatrist. The dialogue is natural and believable, particularly in how the doctor tries to calmly handle Melvin's outburst while still setting boundaries.

One small suggestion would be to consider tightening the dialogue in some places, such as when Melvin talks about "a mountain of available time" and the doctor's response. It feels slightly repetitive and can slow down the pace of the scene. Additionally, the transition to the restaurant scene feels a bit sudden and could benefit from a smoother transition or a simple establishing shot to orient the audience.

Overall, this is a strong and engaging scene that effectively sets up Melvin's character and his struggle with OCD.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

- Consider adding more visual descriptions to the scene to help bring it to life. For example, what does the psychiatrist's office look like? How does Melvin react physically to the Doctor moving into the hallway?

- Try to vary the sentence structure and dialogue to give each character a distinct voice. For example, the Doctor's dialogue is quite wordy and formal, while Melvin speaks more abruptly and emotionally.

- Explore Melvin's character in more depth. Why is he so upset and drawn when he enters the restaurant? What motivates him to act the way he does? This could help make his behavior more understandable to the audience.

- Consider cutting some of the repetition in the dialogue. For example, the exchange about the Doctor's beard doesn't add much to the scene and could be trimmed down.

- Look for opportunities to add more conflict and tension to the scene. For example, what if the Doctor is less sympathetic to Melvin's condition than he initially appears? This could make their interaction more interesting and engaging for the audience.



Scene 13 - Melvin's Unwanted Arrival at Spencer's Apartment
46 INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DOOR/HALLWAY - DAY 46

Carol opens the door just as he arrives on her landing. She
holds a container of ice, washclothes and a thermometer.

MELVIN
I'm hungry.
(on Carol's astonished
look)
You've upset my whole day. I
haven't eaten.

CAROL
What are you doing here?

Melvin ignores the question, instead answering a charge he
had imagined she might make...

MELVIN
This is not a sexist thing. If you
were a waiter I would still be here
saying...

CAROL
Are you totally gone? This is my
private home...

MELVIN
I am trying to keep emotions out of
this. Even though this is an
important issue to me and I have
strong feelings about the subject.
38.


CAROL
What subject? That I wasn't there
to take crap from you and bring you
eggs? Do you have any control over
how creepy you allow yourself to
get?

MELVIN
Yes, I do, as a matter of fact...
and to prove it I have not gotten
personal and you have. Why aren't
you at work? You're not sick -- you
don't look sick... just very tired
and bitter.

CAROL
My son is sick, okay?

Even saying the sentence, "My son is sick" pushes some
emotions toward the surface which are wasted on the crazy
man at her threshold.

MELVIN
What about your mother?

CAROL
How do you know about my mother?

MELVIN
I hear you talk when I'm waiting!!!

She crosses to the sink to dump the ice. Melvin takes a step
inside. Spencer, seven and looking ill, walks into the room.

CAROL
Sorry, honey... I'll be right
there.

MELVIN
(uncomfortably)
How ya doing?

Spencer just stares at him.

MELVIN
(miffed)
You should answer when someone
talks to you...

Carol eyes Melvin with disgust and disbelief then
emphatically gestures him to "clear out." Melvin backs out
the door.
39.


CAROL
Sorry. There is a limit, Melvin,
and I can't handle you teaching my
son manners.

She closes the door in his face, then walks to her son and
leads him back to his room.

47 INT. SPENCER'S ROOM 47

CAMERA MOVES TOWARD mother and son sitting on the edge of
Spencer's bed. She holds a digital thermometer to his ear.
They both count down the seconds.

CAROL AND SPENCER
4... 3... 2... 1... Bingo.

SPENCER


CAROL
We are going to treat ourselves to
a cab ride.

48 EXT. BROOKLYN SIDEWALK - ANGLE ON CAROL - DAY 48

As Carol carries her young son through a class of uniformed
KIDS from a Catholic elementary school. She spots Melvin
about to enter a cab.

CAROL
Melvin, wait!

The school kids pick up the chant in unison.

SCHOOL KIDS
Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait! Melvin,
wait!

He turns to face them.

MELVIN
Shut up, kids!

They immediately obey as Carol approaches him.

CAROL
Melvin... give us a lift. We've
got to go see our friends at the
hospital.

Melvin is thrown... he pauses a beat... then holds the
rear door open as Carol hustles the kid inside. The maneuver
puts the beet red, sweating Spencer at his face.
40.


MELVIN
I'll ride up front. Cover your
mouth when you cough, kid.

49 INT. BROOKLYN CAB - DAY 49

As they settle in and drive off.

CAROL
Brooklyn Presbyterian Hospital,
please and quickly please.

50 EXT. HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM - DAY 50

As Carol enters the hospital.

CAROL
(calling back)
I owe you three dollars.

Melvin follows behind her as she carries her son...

MELVIN
Yeah, yeah... any chance you'll
get back to work today?

CAROL
(furiously)
No!!! Stay away from me!
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Melvin shows up uninvited to Carol's apartment and unapologetically demands food. Carol rebuffs Melvin's advances, prompting him to ask about her absence at work, resulting in Carol revealing that her son is sick. Melvin then follows Carol and her son to the hospital, where things quickly turn combative.
Strengths "The scene does a good job of setting up the tensions between Melvin and Carol and moves the plot forward as they head to the hospital together. There are also some good character moments."
Weaknesses "Melvin's behavior is often off-putting and occasionally cringe-worthy, which could be a turn-off for some viewers. Additionally, the scene lacks a clear thematic focus."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 6

Plot: 8

Originality: 5

The scene is somewhat derivative in terms of its overall structure and themes, but the characters and their dialogue feel fresh and unique.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 5

Internal Goal: 8

Melvin's internal goal is to connect and open up emotionally to others despite his fear and discomfort with human interaction.

External Goal: 7

Melvin's external goal is to get Carol to help him and give him attention, despite her clear reluctance due to his past behavior.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 7

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between Melvin's desire for control and order in his life and Carol's resistance to his attempts to dominate her space and decisions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 8

The scene is engaging due to the tense, uneasy atmosphere created by the characters' dialogue and actions. There is a clear conflict that hooks the reader into the scene.

Pacing: 7

The pacing is somewhat slow, with a lot of dialogue that can be heavy-handed at times. However, the tension between the characters keeps the scene moving forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene is well-formatted and easy to read, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a dramatic confrontation between two characters, with sparse but effective scene-setting and description.


Critique Overall, this scene is well-written with strong dialogue and clear character motivation. However, there are a few areas for improvement.

Firstly, there is a lack of description and visual detail in the scene. While dialogue is important, it is also necessary to provide some visual cues for the reader. For example, in the later part of the scene when they are in the cab, it would be helpful to describe the characters' physical reactions or body language to add more depth to the scene.

Secondly, it may benefit from a clearer establishment of the location and setting at the beginning of the scene. This would help the reader better visualize the action.

Overall, this is a strong scene that effectively shows the tension and conflict between the characters, but could benefit from some additional visual detail.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Make the dialogue more concise and efficient. There is a lot of back-and-forth between Carol and Melvin that could be trimmed down to make the scene more dynamic and engaging.

2. Tighten up the action description. There are a lot of unnecessary details that slow down the pacing of the scene. Focus on the key actions and gestures that convey the characters' emotions.

3. Heighten the conflict. The scene would benefit from more tension and drama. One way to do this would be to give Melvin a stronger motivation for being there and trying to manipulate Carol.

4. Make the character's emotions more clear. It's hard to get a sense of Carol and Melvin's emotions from the current version of the scene. Adding more specific actions and gestures can help to convey their feelings more clearly to the audience.



Scene 14 - Financial Woes and Unwanted Advances
51 INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT - DAY 51

Verdell lies just inside the front door whimpering for
Melvin. Jackie sits across from Simon's wheel chair... she
has some index cards in her laps which she occasionally
consults and shuffles.

JACKIE
I feel terrible that I have to...
Simon? Forget about the dog for a
second.

Simon forces his attention to Jackie.

SIMON
Sorry. What are those cards?

JACKIE
(a bit embarrassed)
Frank's idea. He thought I should
have notes so I did this right...
maintained focus, didn't get
emotional and tried not to terrify
you.
41.


SIMON
(scared shitless)
Terrify me?

JACKIE
See, he's right. I need the cards.
(reading from cards)
Simon, you're broke.

ANGLE ON VERDELL

as their conversation continues -- the dog is distressed.

JACKIE (O.S.)
The medical bill are 61 thousand
now. I've spoken to your parents
and they didn't hang up or anything
-- they just said they would feel
strange calling you.

SIMON (O.S.)
Well, I can't reach them.

Verdell walks out on the terrace and looks off. He turns
for:

SIMON
(to Verdell)
Here, baby... what is it,
Verdell?... You miss the tough
guy...
(trying to be Melvin-
like)
Well, here I am, you little pissant
mop, happy to see me? How about
another ride down the chute? Oh,
God... I don't mean it,
sweetheart...
(on Jackie's look)
I'm sorry. I know...

Verdell hides behind a chair.

JACKIE
Frank loves you. You know that...
but I've spoken to him and he feels
that --
(reading from card)
-- as a businessman, with limited
resources...
42.


SIMON
I'll be able to keep my apartment
and studio, won't I?... Just tell
me.

As Jackie looks at him then thumbs for a card.

SIMON
(overwhelmed)
Wow...

Verdell has come near him -- he reaches out a hand to pet
the dog and the dog ducks.

52 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - DAY 52

He is trying to write. He can't. His world has been upset.
He walks away from his work -- a highly unusual act. He is
distressed -- and then an idea and he exits.

53 INT. PUBLISHER'S OFFICE - DAY 53

We are looking at ZOE, the receptionist. She is listening
with interest to an O.S. conversation while answering phone
calls, "Premier Publishing."

FEMALE EXECUTIVE (O.S.)
Yes, you write more than anyone
else. Yes, you make us a lot of
money, but isn't there someone more
appropriate to...

MELVIN (O.S.)
I need this. Just say, "Melvin,
I'll try," okay?

FEMALE EXECUTIVE (O.S.)
(resigned)
Melvin, I'll try.

They appear now -- the woman tall, attractive, etc. She
pauses at the elevator.

FEMALE EXECUTIVE
Now, on a pleasant note, our son
got accepted at Brown. My
husband...

MELVIN
(curtly)
Great, wonderful. I don't need you
to wait with me.
43.


She nods, pissed, waves and leaves. As Melvin waits, Zoe
summons her moxie.

ZOE
I can't resist. You usually move
through here so quickly and I have
so many questions I want to ask
you. You have no idea what your
work means to me.

MELVIN
What's it mean?

ZOE
That somebody out there knows what
it's like to be...
(taps her head and heart)
in here.

MELVIN
Oh God, this is like a nightmare.

ZOE
Aw come on, just a couple of
questions -- how hard is that?

As he hits the button, wipes his fingers, hits the button
etc.

ZOE
How do you write women so well?

MELVIN
(as he turns toward her)
I think of a man and take away
reason and accountability.

The fan is jolted as the elevator doors open and close.

54 EXT. STREET NEAR CAROL'S BUILDING - DAY 54

A depleted, exhausted Carol approaches her home. She is
suddenly wary -- SOUND DIALED DOWN -- as we MOVE CLOSER.

CAROL'S POV
A car at the curb with "MD" license
plate.

BACK TO SCENE

As Carol breaks into a run.
44.
Genres: ["drama","comedy"]

Summary Simon learns that he is broke and struggling with medical bills while Verdell pines for Melvin. Melvin has a breakdown and seeks help from his psychiatrist but ends up causing a scene at a restaurant. He later shows up uninvited to Carol's apartment and demands food, causing her to reveal that her son is sick. Melvin follows Carol and her son to the hospital, resulting in a combative situation.
Strengths "The dialogue is witty and engaging, and there are multiple interconnected storylines that add to the tension and emotional impact of the scene."
Weaknesses "There are some problematic aspects of Melvin's behavior, particularly his uninvited presence and treatment of Carol."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 8

Originality: 7

While the general situations presented in this scene are common, the unique characters and their perspectives help to elevate and personalize the moment. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue also makes the scene feel fresh and original.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 8

Simon's internal goal is to understand how his life will change due to his financial situation. He fears losing his home and studio and begs for clarity from Jackie.

External Goal: 8

Simon's external goal is to find out if he will be able to keep his apartment and studio despite his financial problems. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in maintaining his living situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 8

Story Forward: 9

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between Melvin and Zoe about the role of personal experiences in writing. Melvin believes in taking away 'reason and accountability' when writing women. Zoe is impressed by Melvin's work and believes that it speaks to her personal experiences.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because of the strong emotional tension between the characters and the relatable struggles they face. The dialogue keeps the audience attuned to the stakes of the scene and the visuals add depth to the characterizations.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of this scene is effective in building tension and highlighting the emotional stakes of the characters. The scene is well-structured to keep the audience engaged from beginning to end.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene is consistent with the expected format for its genre. The scene is well-paced and the dialogue is easy to follow with clear character references.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre of drama. It establishes the setting and characters, builds tension through conversation, and ends with a dramatic revelation or revelation.


Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I do not have the capability to assess the quality of a scene in terms of its emotional impact and thematic relevance, but here are some observations and suggestions:

- The scene provides some necessary exposition and plot developments, but it lacks a strong emotional core and significant conflict. The dialogue and actions feel somewhat flat and perfunctory, and the characters' reactions to their situations are not fully explored or depicted.

- There is some humor and irony in Melvin's interaction with Zoe, but it also comes across as somewhat mean-spirited and dismissive. The use of a derogatory stereotype about women also feels out of place and unnecessary.

- The scene with Carol's discovery of the MD car could be more effectively conveyed through visual and auditory cues, rather than relying on a muted sound effect and her POV. This could create a stronger sense of tension and danger for the character and the viewer.

- Overall, the scene could benefit from more dramatic tension, emotional depth, and dynamic character interactions. It could also benefit from clearer stakes and consequences for the characters' decisions and actions.
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, here are some suggestions to enhance the scene:

1. Increase the emotional stakes: While the scene in Simon's apartment sets up the financial troubles he is facing, it lacks a sense of urgency or emotional connection with the audience. To improve the scene, consider adding personal consequences that Simon faces due to his mounting debt. For instance, Simon could be at risk of losing his studio or may need to give up on his artistic dreams to pay off his medical bills. This will make the scene more relatable and emotionally resonant for the audience.

2. Make the dialogue more concise and natural: Jackie and Simon's conversation in the apartment feels stilted and overly scripted. Consider re-writing the dialogue to make it more natural and realistic, with characters interrupting each other and responding more spontaneously to one another.

3. Develop Melvin's character further: Melvin's scene in his apartment is brief and lacks depth. Consider adding more context to his situation and showing how his emotional distress is affecting his work as a writer. This will create more investment in his character and make his later actions more meaningful.

4. Increase the tension in Carol's scene: The scene where Carol sees the car with "MD" license plates could benefit from more suspense and tension. Add more build-up to the moment, potentially with ominous music or more dramatic camera angles, to make it more impactful and engaging.

5. Use visual cues to enhance the scene: Consider adding more visual elements to the scenes, such as the use of shadows, lighting, or props. For instance, adding close-ups of Verdell's distressed face during Simon and Jackie's conversation can increase the emotional intensity of the scene. Similarly, using specific camera angles or lighting cues during Carol's scene can help build tension and create a more immersive experience for the audience.



Scene 15 - The Hospital
55 INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT BUILDING, STAIRWAY/HALLWAY - DAY 55

As she bounds the stairs, comes to her apartment door and
jiggles with the keys, a strange prescient whimpering sound
coming from her. As she enters the apartment.

CAROL
Hello? Hello?

VOICE (O.S.)
Mrs. Connelly, I'm in here.

The worst confirmed, she moves down the narrow hallway, her
innards squirting the same chemicals that drives elk on
opening day of the hunting season.

56 INT. SPENCER'S ROOM - DAY 56

CAROL
What? Please? Now? Tell me?!

DR. BETTES
Mrs. Connelly. I'm Martin Bettes
... Dr. Bettes.

CAROL
Not your name... what are you
telling me your name for!! Where is
he?

DR. BETTES
He's in the bathroom... He's fine.

CAROL
(overlapping)
Tell me how bad it is. I let him go
out last night when it was so cool
without an overshirt -- just and
underone with just the straps and I
know better... and I let him talk
me into it. He was whining and...
you don't need this. Give me a
second to catch hold.

And so she does. Wow does she... and gives us some notion of
the size of her fear demon and the strength it takes to
subdue it as Dr. Bettes keeps reassuring her and she keeps
nodding... finally a deep breath as Spencer enters from the
bathroom. All at hyper speed now. Salvation as farce.

SPENCER
(to his mother)
Hi...
(they kiss)
45.


Did you know there are doctors who
come to your house?

CAROL
No, I didn't.
(to Bettes)
So why are you h...

Beverly, Carol's mother, enters the room. She is ebullient
which, if life allowed, would be her natural state.

BEVERLY
I didn't know you had a secret
admire.

CAROL
Huh?

BEVERLY
You met the gift.

SPENCER
He's good... And I'm an expert on
doctors.

CAROL
(to Spencer)
Stay out of this... Doctor?

DR. BETTES
My wife is Melvin Udall's
publisher.
(as Carol reacts)
She says I have to take great care
of this guy because you're urgently
needed back at work. What work do
you do?

CAROL
I'm a waitress.

ON Dr. Bettes' reaction her mother adds a saving grace.

BEVERLY
In Manhattan.

VOICE (O.S.)
Dr. Bettes?

DR. BETTES
In here.

A NURSE enters.
46.


NURSE
Sorry it took so long. I don't know
Brooklyn.

DR. BETTES
It's okay, Terry.
(hands her blood vail)
Tell the lab I'd like the report
back today.

Carol and her mother exchange a look of incredulity.

CAROL
You're going to get the results
today?!

MOVING SHOT
As we approach the doctor and Carol
seated across from each other at a
small table... soft voices...
relaxation. Bettes is examining
medicine bottles.

DR. BETTES
How long has he been having
problems?

CAROL
Since forever.

DR. BETTES
Have they done blood tests on him?

CAROL
Yes.

DR. BETTES
Only in the emergency room or when
he was well.

CAROL
Emergency room only.

DR. BETTES
Have they done skin testing for
allergies?

CAROL
No.

DR. BETTES
They haven't done the standard
scratch test. Where they make small
injections into the skin?
47.


CAROL
No. I asked. They said it's not
covered under my plan. And it's not
necessary anyway.

DR. BETTES
It's amazing these things weren't
done.

CAROL
Fucking H.M.O. bastard piece of
shit... I'm sorry... forgive me.

DR. BETTES
No. Actually, I think that's their
technical name.

CAROL
Once the tests come back, is there
someone I can reach in your office
for the results?

DR. BETTES
Me. My home number is on this card.

CAROL
His home number.

Carol look at her mother -- they share a laugh. Beverly has
a hard time stopping.

CAROL
(to doctor)
Do you want some juice or coffee or
two female slaves?

DR. BETTES
Water... Nobody told you it might
be a good idea to remove the
carpeting and drapes in Spencer's
room?

CAROL
No.

She starts towards Spencer's room.

DR. BETTES
You don't have to do it this
second... it's not dangerous or
anything. It's just something
that's advisable. Look, there's a
lot to be checked but...
48.


Hey, your son is going to feel a
good deal better at the very
least...

She pats his head... Then embraces him with fierce
intimacy.

CAROL
Doc!!!
(then)
So listen, you gotta let me know
about the additional costs -- one
way or the other we'll...

DR. BETTES
They're considerable. But Mr. Udall
wants to be billed.

She takes this as a blow to the heart, stomach and groin.
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Melvin follows Carol and her son to the hospital, where Spencer is revealed to be sick and Carol is worried for him.
Strengths "The scene establishes high stakes for both Carol and Spencer, and creates a sense of tension and urgency. The characters are well-defined and the dialogue is realistic."
Weaknesses "Melvin's appearance in the hospital feels unnecessary and tangential to the plot. The scene could benefit from clearer thematic throughlines."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 3

The scene doesn't introduce any unique situations or fresh approaches to familiar ones, but it is authentic in its portrayal of a mother's concern for her child.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 3

Internal Goal: 9

Carol's internal goal is to find out what is wrong with her son and whether or not he is okay. This reflects her deep fear and concern for her child's wellbeing.

External Goal: 8

Carol's external goal is to get information about her son's condition from Dr. Bettes.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 7

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There isn't an evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 7

The scene is engaging because it creates a sense of tension and concern for the protagonist's son.

Pacing: 7

The pacing of the scene is effective in creating tension and maintaining engagement.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene is well done, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows a typical format for its genre, with characters in dialogue and action.


Critique Overall, the scene has strong emotional tension and some good dialogue, but there are a few areas that could be improved. One issue is that the action and dialogue can feel disjointed at times, with Carol's initial panic not fully explained or explored. Additionally, the scene could benefit from more clarity and specificity, particularly when it comes to Spencer's health issues and the suggested removal of carpeting and drapes. The scene also ends on a somewhat abrupt note, leaving the audience wondering how Carol will react to the news about costs. Overall, the scene has potential but could use some tightening and refining.
Suggestions Overall, I think this scene serves its purpose well. It establishes Carol's fear and anxiety for Spencer's well-being, and the introduction of Dr. Bettes adds a new layer of tension and uncertainty.

However, there are a few suggestions I have to improve this scene:

1. Clarify the prescient whimpering sound. Is it from Carol or Spencer? Is it a sound they both hear, or just Carol? This detail can add to the overall suspense and build-up of the scene.

2. Expand on Dr. Bettes' character. Who is he? What is his demeanor like? Is he comforting or aloof? Adding more details about him can make his presence feel more significant and add to the tension.

3. Slow down the pace of the scene. While I understand the urgency of the situation, the dialogue feels a bit rushed and hard to follow at times. Giving the characters more time to process the information and react to each other can make the scene feel more grounded and realistic.

4. Add more physical description. Right now, there are a lot of dialogue lines without much description of what the characters are doing or how they're reacting. Adding in more gestures, movements, and expressions can make the scene feel more dynamic and engaging.

5. Tighten up the dialogue. Some of the lines feel a bit long-winded or redundant, which can make the scene feel bloated. Streamlining the dialogue to only what's necessary can make the scene feel more focused and impactful.



Scene 16 - Hospital Visit
57 INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT - DAY 57

Simon practices walking using his cane. A tearstained Nora
hugs him good-bye.

NORA
You poor, poor man.

SIMON
Let's use just one poor, okay?
Anyway, dear, thanks for
everything. Forgive my recent
crankiness and as soon as things
are on track again I'll call.

She kisses him and starts for the door and suddenly a sharp
intake of breath -- she's forgotten something.

SIMON
What's wrong?

NORA
Who's going to walk Verdell?

Simon hadn't thought of this either.

SIMON
No, no.

58 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK) - HALLWAY - DAY 58

Nora holding her things, knocks on Melvin's door. Melvin
opens the door. Nora is still sniffling. He misinterprets.
49.


MELVIN
Is he dead yet?

NORA
No! Would there be any way for you
to be willing to walk his dog for
him?

MELVIN
Absolutely.

NORA
Not just today -- Uh, could you do
it -- until, until he gets back on
his feet?

MELVIN
Sure thing.

NORA
You're a wonderful man. Two o'clock
is a good time. Here's the key in
case he's asleep. Open the curtains
for him, so he sees God's beautiful
work and knows that even things
like this happen for the best.

MELVIN
Where'd they teach you to talk like
this -- some Panama City "Sailor
want to hump-hump bar"? Or was
today getaway day and your last
shot at his whiskey. Sell crazy
some place else -- we're all
stocked up here.

He closes the door in her face. She stands there... thrown
by the abruptness -- then lifts the two paper shopping bags
holding her things -- walks back toward the elevator --
pausing briefly outside Simon's door -- then continues on
her way.

59 INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT 59

The doctor gone, mother and daughter arguing.

CAROL
There is a seriously goofy man
behind this. You are not allowed to
block out that fact.
50.


BEVERLY
Do you really want to go back to
the runt doctors in Emergency who
keep telling us they can't help?

CAROL
It lets a crazy man into our lives.

BEVERLY
Come on. Why fight when we know how
it will come out. This isn't like
stocking or a string of pearls. You
don't send this one back.

60 EXT. NEW YORK APARTMENT - ESTABLISHING - DAY 60
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Melvin follows Carol and her sick son to the hospital, causing a combative situation between the two.
Strengths "The scene's use of tension and conflict between Melvin and Carol builds on earlier events and raises the stakes for their relationship and for Spencer's health."
Weaknesses "The scene could benefit from more character development beyond the established traits of Melvin and Carol."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 8

The scene has a unique premise of exploring the complexities of different personalities while highlighting the importance of empathy and compassion. The dialogue is authentic and true to the character's personalities.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 7

Internal Goal: 9

Simon's internal goal is to walk properly and become self-sufficient again, as evidenced by his cane practice.

External Goal: 7

Simon's external goal is to find someone to walk his dog while he is recovering.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 9

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash of personalities between Melvin and Nora. Melvin's abrasive behavior challenges Nora's optimistic and positive worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 9

The scene is engaging due to the witty and humorous dialogues, unique personalities, and the unexpected turn of events.

Pacing: 9

The scene's pacing perfectly aligns with the genre and mood, with a well-structured plot and engaging dialogues.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The formatting follows the expected format for this genre, with clear scene transitions and action descriptions.

Structure: 10

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with proper formatting, pacing, and engaging content.


Critique The scene is well-written and serves as a bridge between two different storylines. It effectively establishes Nora's kind and caring nature, highlighting her concern for Simon's dog. Melvin's character is introduced and his rude behavior towards Nora adds a layer of complexity and tension. However, the dialogue between Melvin and Nora feels somewhat forced and unnatural, especially Melvin's outburst towards the end. The transition to Carol and Beverly's argument feels abrupt and could benefit from smoother pacing. Overall, the scene effectively moves the plot forward and sets up future conflicts.
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, I would suggest focusing more on developing the emotional depth and conflict in these scenes.

In scene 57, instead of just showing Nora hugging Simon goodbye and mentioning his recent crankiness, explore the tension and emotions that led to this moment. Show why Simon is struggling to walk and how it affects his relationship with Nora. Maybe have a conversation between them where Simon expresses his frustrations about his condition and how it's impacting his life. By adding more emotional weight to this scene, the audience will feel more invested in Simon's journey.

In scene 58, while the dialogue between Nora and Melvin is entertaining, it feels disconnected from the rest of the scene. Instead, consider adding a moment of conflict or tension between Nora and Melvin before he agrees to walk the dog. Maybe Melvin initially refuses, or Nora has to convince him to help out. This will add more depth to their relationship and make Melvin's eventual agreement more meaningful.

In scene 59, the argument between Carol and Beverly about the doctor feels flat and generic. Instead of just having them argue about whether or not to trust the doctor, consider adding more personal details about their lives and why this decision is so important to them. Maybe Carol is scared because she's had bad experiences with doctors in the past, or Beverly is desperate to help Simon because she feels guilty about something in their past. By adding more depth to these characters and their motivations, the audience will become more invested in their story.

Overall, these scenes could benefit from deeper emotional development and more complex character relationships. By adding more depth and conflict to these scenes, the audience will become more invested in the characters and their journey, leading to a more engaging and satisfying story.



Scene 17 - Simon's Struggle
61 INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT - DAY 61

Shades drawn. Simon is a wheelchair... the PHONE RINGS. He
goes to answer... the phone across the bed so that reaching
for the phone is a brief but difficult struggle... he grunts
with pain, hope and anxiety as he answers.

SIMON
Hello?... yes... sure...
finally, huh? Why, "finally"?
Because I called you so many times.
Maybe

(relief) Oh, boy... I was hoping it was something like
that. You didn't get one of them, huh? 'Cause I mean it
wasn't only your office -- it was your home, hotel and the
cigar club you like in San Francisco. No -- Sarcastic... Of
course. I believe you. No, don't fire anyone... Please.
Maybe I'm wrong about the 20 times. Take a breath... (more)
So, you miss me a little? Hey, strike the question -- How's
the case going? Really. Fantastic. I didn't hear. I haven't
been watching. Great. Just great. I'm so happy. Whoopie! Me?
Well, I'm mending. No, I look fine. Well, some of the damage
might still be noticeable if you look closely...

He runs a hand across his scarred and still bloated and
beaten face...

SIMON
Carl, I need some help and you're
the logical one to turn to.
(aghast)
No! Not 'cause I blame you for what
happened. I hardly get how you can
ever think that. No, I'm not being
sarcastic.
(trying to figure it out)
51.


I guess because you hired the guy
who did this you think... No, I am
a sarcastic person. Well, if you
must know, the reason I said you
were the logical person is because
you always told me how you thought
I was this great person who made
you feel good about humanity and
everything. You do remembering
saying that? Well, whew. Okay, so
Carl. I hate asking but this money
thing is ridiculously serious...

He picks up an index card from his night stand and takes the
leap -- reading the text he prepared in advance.

SIMON
"Will you please loan me money? I
will pay you back. I will give you
whatever percentage of my income I
don't absolutely need until I do.
It will take a while. But I don't
know what I'll do if you say"...
that.
(as he listens)
I understand... yes... No, I do.
(a bit of boldness)
But you know, you know -- you
didn't even ask how much, Carl?
Well, Frank has no right to discuss
how much I'm in hock... no, you're
right -- not the point. So... what
have you been up to??? Uh-huh...
Oh, the group show... how was it?
Well, I'm not surprised that
there's that much talent around...
great... Look -- gotta go... no,
you shouldn't feel that way at
all... take care, you, too...
you, too... Good-bye.
(as he hangs up)
Pal o' mine.

It's very quiet.

LONG SHOT - SIMON

A lonely figure -- who now holds his good hand up to his
face and appears on the verge of enormous emotional release -
- CAMERA MOVES TOWARD him as if to rendezvous with the
moment of catharsis...
52.


... but Simon is denied even this small luxury as the
CAMERA ABRUPTLY ADJUSTS just as he begins sobbing to focus
on the door opening and Melvin and Verdell entering the
room.

MELVIN
Maybe I'll bring him some food by.

SIMON
Thank you for walking him.

Simon wheels away from Melvin.

SIMON
If you'll excuse me I'm not feeling
so well.

MELVIN
It smells like shit in here?

SIMON
Go away.

MELVIN
That cleaning woman doesn't...

SIMON
Please, just leave.

MELVIN
Where are all your queer party
friends?

SIMON
(his first shout)
Get out.

Melvin pauses -- Simon weeping... Verdell looks at Simon
with concern. Melvin is thrown. Moved?

SIMON
Nothing worse than having to feel
this way in front of you?

MELVIN
Nellie, you're a disgrace to
depression.

SIMON
Rot in hell, Melvin.
53.


MELVIN
No need to stop being a lady...
quit worrying -- you'll be back on
your knees in no time.

Simon swings his arm and cast at Melvin -- the sudden attack
jolts Melvin but not as much as what follows.

SIMON
Is this fun for you? Well, you
lucky devil... It just gets better
and better. I am losing my
apartment and Frank wants me to
promise to paint hotter subjects
and to beg my parents, who haven't
called, for help... and I won't.
And I don't want to paint anymore.

Melvin has made for the door... Simon blocks him.

SIMON
So the life I was trying for is
over. The life I had is gone and I
am feeling so damn sorry for myself
that it is difficult to breathe.
Right times for you -- huh, Melvin.
The gay neighbor is terrified...
(a sudden screamed word
surprises them both)
Terrified... Lucky you, you're
here for rock bottom... me
wallowing in self-pity in front of
you, you absolute horror of a human
being...

As Simon works to stop crying, Melvin is weird with
discomfort.

MELVIN
Well, I'll do one thing for you
that might cheer you up.

SIMON
Get out.

MELVIN
Don't piss on a gift, tough guy.
You want to know why the dog
prefers me... it's not affection.
It's a trick.

Simon looks up, his mood turning on a dime -- he's rapt...
Melvin comes and stands by his wheelchair.
54.


MELVIN
I carry bacon in my pocket.

SIMON
(pleased)
Oh, my gosh.

MELVIN
(hands him bacon)
Now we'll both call him.

SIMON
Come on, sweetheart...

MELVIN
Yo, yo, yo...

Verdell goes like a bullet to Melvin... who is totally
surprised and staggered by the implications. True love and
such.

SIMON
Would you leave now, please?

MELVIN
Stupid dog.
(to Simon)
I don't get it.

He exits... looking apologetically at Simon in stoic ruin.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Simon struggles to make ends meet and asks for a loan from his former employer. Melvin and Verdell show up unexpectedly and a tense, combative conversation ensues.
Strengths
  • Powerful emotional moments that reveal the vulnerabilities of the characters
  • Strong conflict between characters
Weaknesses
  • Some of the dialogue feels forced
  • Melvin's character can be difficult to relate to

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 9

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate, as it features familiar themes and situations (financial troubles, personal struggles), but the characters' unique personalities and interactions add a fresh perspective to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 7

Internal Goal: 9

Simon's internal goal in this scene is to ask Carl for a loan to help him with his financial troubles. This reflects his deeper fear of losing his apartment and feeling sorry for himself.

External Goal: 7

Simon's external goal is to secure a loan from Carl to help him with his financial troubles.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 8

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 8

There is a philosophical conflict present in this scene between Simon's self-pity and Melvin's abrasive personality. This conflict challenges Simon's beliefs about himself and how he deals with adversity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

Dialogue: 8

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the strong emotional content and character interactions, as well as the use of visual and physical description to set the mood and tone.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building emotional tension, with dialogue and physical description used to create a sense of urgency and vulnerability that drives the action forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear character headings, action descriptions, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre (drama), with dialogue and physical description used to drive the action and reveal character motivations and conflicts.


Critique The scene is well-written and emotionally powerful. The use of Simon's physical limitations to heighten the tension is effective and adds depth to his character. The dialogue between Simon and Carl is important to move the plot forward and underscores Simon's desperate situation. The sudden appearance of Melvin and Verdell adds a touch of humor to break the tension, but also allows Simon to release his pent-up emotions. Overall, the scene is well-constructed and engaging.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions for improving this scene:

1. Clarify the purpose of the scene: It's not entirely clear why this scene is happening or what its purpose is. Is it to show Simon's desperation for money? Is it to show his emotional vulnerability? Is it to show the strained relationship between Simon and Melvin? It might help to clarify the purpose of the scene and make sure all the dialogue and actions support that purpose.

2. Cut down on the dialogue: This scene is very dialogue-heavy, with Simon and Carl having a long phone conversation, Melvin making snarky comments, and Simon ranting and raving. While some of this dialogue could be effective in conveying character or advancing the plot, a lot of it feels like unnecessary exposition or filler. Consider cutting down on some of the dialogue to make the scene more focused and impactful.

3. Use visual cues to convey emotion and tension: While the camera does move in on Simon as he's about to break down, there isn't much else in the scene that visually conveys tension or emotion. Consider using body language, facial expressions, or camera angles to heighten the drama and make the scene more engaging for the audience.

4. Add some sense of resolution: The scene ends somewhat abruptly, with Melvin exiting and Simon left alone with his dog. Consider adding some sense of resolution or closure to the scene, either through a final line of dialogue, a visual cue, or a change in music or lighting. This will give the scene a more satisfying conclusion and make it feel like it has a purpose within the larger story.



Scene 18 - Carol Confronts Melvin
62 INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 62

Carol in bed on the pullout sofa... She is in turmoil...
there is THUNDER, but no rain. She walks to the kitchen. She
is trembling as she drinks a glass of water and exits.

63 INT. BEVERLY BEDROOM - NIGHT 63

The room is on an air shaft and this is where Carol shares a
closet with her mother, who is now asleep.

Carol quietly extracts a dress from the closet, leaving her
nightgown on the floor. There is something sexy here, the
woman in Carol churning. She plops on a summer dress -- no
time for underwear.

64 EXT. BROOKLYN STREET - NIGHT 64

Carol seeing a bus and dashing after it.
55.


65 EXT. MANHATTAN BRIDGE - TWO AM 65

Carol crossing to Manhattan. She looks as if she's on her
way to some final exam where she has no notion of the
subject.

66 EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET - NEAR MELVIN'S BUILDING - 66

NIGHT (RAIN)
Hot summer night as she gets off
the bus and now the rains come...
We are in a familiar neighborhood.

67 ANGLE ON MELVIN AND SIMON'S APARTMENT HOUSE 67

As Carol consults the slip of paper with the address on it.

68 INT. NEW YORK APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT (RAIN) 68

As she enters building and realizes it's not just that she's
wet -- the thin summer dress is a winner in any wet T-shirt
contest... the fabric clinging to her breasts, like the old
movie poster of The Deep.

69 INT. NEW YORK APARTMENT BUILDING - HALLWAY - NIGHT 69

As Carol passes Simon's door... stands in front of Melvin's
apartment -- twists herself to ease nervousness and knocks
on the door... then RINGS the BELL. Finally Carol hears
MUFFLED THROAT CLEARING on the other side of the door.

CAROL
Uh, Udall?

MELVIN (O.S.)
Carol the waitress?

CAROL
Yes.

As we hear him unlock the door, Carol looks at her breasts
and gasps. She grasps the fabric and holds it straight out
just as Melvin opens the door. His hair is static city,
standing on end as he periodically gives it self-conscious
pats.

CAROL
The doctors had your billing
address. I'm sorry about the hour.

MELVIN
I was working... can't you just
drop me a thank-you note?
56.


CAROL
That's not why I'm here...
(tearing suddenly)
... though you have no idea what
it's like to have a real
conversation with a doctor about
Spencer...

MELVIN
(very uncomfortable)
Note. Put it in the note.

CAROL
Why did yo do this for me?

MELVIN
To get you back at work so you can
wait on me.

CAROL
But you do have some idea how
strange that sounds??? I'm worried
that you did this because...

She pauses -- the beginning of an extraordinarily long
silence. Finally.

MELVIN
You waiting for me to say
something?
(as she shakes her head)
What sort of thing do you want?
Look, I'll be at the restaurant
tomorrow.

CAROL
I don't think I can wait until
tomorrow. This needs clearing up.

MELVIN
What needs clearing up?

CAROL
(strong and true)
I'm not going to sleep with you. I
will never, ever sleep with you.
Never. Not ever.

Melvin's reaction? Well, he'll never get credit for the
brief but intense inner struggle -- the struggle not to
scream --
57.


-- not to cry -- to process the sudden and stunning hurt
during his half turn away from her -- and then answer
hoarsely.

MELVIN
I'm sorry. We don't open for the no-
sex oaths until 9 a.m.

Carol is amused, surprised... maybe, in some small way ever
taken by his style... but top priority is clarity.

CAROL
I'm not kidding.

MELVIN
Okay!!!! Anything else?!?

CAROL
Just how grateful I am.

Her mission completed -- she turns.

MELVIN
So you'll be at work?

CAROL
Yes.

70 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 70

It's a 3:22 a.m. as the two digital clocks on Melvin's night
stand tell us... He gets up -- the first time we've seen
his waking routine -- taps one foot on the floor twice --
then the other foot -- two more taps and his body angles
from the bed in a deliberate way.

He is having anxiety. He sits at the piano and plays very
briefly... Stops -- wipes some sweat from his forehead...
Walks to his computer room -- turns the light on and then
quickly off... Walks to his refrigerator...

71 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT, KITCHEN, INSIDE REFRIGERATOR - 71

NIGHT
As he grabs a cardboard take-out
box...
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Melvin follows Carol to her apartment and she confronts him about his intentions. Melvin denies any ulterior motives and Carol leaves, having cleared the air.
Strengths "Tense conversation between two characters that reveals backstory and clears the air of any possible romantic involvements."
Weaknesses "Dialogue could be more impactful and the scene doesn't move the plot forward significantly."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 8

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. The situation is familiar, but the characters' actions and dialogue bring an authentic and fresh approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue makes the scene more believable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 9

Carol's internal goal in the scene is to confront Melvin about her suspicions and clear the air about any ulterior motives. It reflects her desire for clarity and honesty in her relationships.

External Goal: 8

Carol's external goal is to thank Melvin for his help in getting her back to work. It reflects the immediate challenge she faced in being unable to work due to her son's illness.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 6

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict in this scene between Carol's desire for honesty and Melvin's apparent insincerity in his actions. It challenges Carol's values and beliefs, forcing her to confront Melvin's intentions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension and conflict between the characters. The audience is invested in seeing how the confrontation will play out and what the outcome will be.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and leads to the confrontation, making it a powerful and impactful moment in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The formatting of the scene is impeccable and follows the expected format for the genre.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for the genre and effectively builds tension leading up to the confrontation. The scene is well-paced and contains a clear narrative arc.


Critique Overall, the scene is well-structured, with clear action descriptions and dialogue that moves the plot forward. However, there are a few areas for improvement.

Firstly, the introduction of the rain and thunder feels unnecessary and underdeveloped. It could have been used as a motif throughout the scene to heighten the tension, but instead, it is abruptly dropped after the first mention.

Secondly, the focus on Carol's breasts in the wet T-shirt feels gratuitous and objectifying. It detracts from the emotional intensity of their conversation and seems like a lazy attempt to add visual interest to the scene.

Finally, Melvin's inner struggle could have been given more attention and nuance. As it is, his reaction feels superficial and thin, and the scene would benefit from a deeper exploration of his emotions and motives.
Suggestions



Scene 19 - Melvin and Simon's Conversation
72 INT. NEW YORK APT. BUILDING - HALLWAY/SIMON'S APT. 72

He knocks of Simon's door... It opens quickly.
58.


73 SIMON'S APARTMENT 73

MELVIN
I took a chance you were up.

Simon walks painfully back to a chair.

MELVIN
I brought you Chinese soup.

SIMON
Thanks.

MELVIN
I have never been so tired in my
life. Okay, if I sit here?

SIMON
Got any easier questions?

Melvin sits and moans -- the dog sitting near him.

MELVIN
I haven't been sleeping. I haven't
been clear or felt like myself. I'm
in trouble. Some son of a bitch is
burning my bridges behind my
back... But the tiredness --
boy... Not just sleepy.

SIMON
But sick -- nauseous -- where
everything looks distorted and
everything inside just aches --
when you can barely get up the will
to complain.

MELVIN
(brightening)
Yeah...

He feels a touch of community and not knowing where to take
it from here.

MELVIN
I'm glad we did this.

He rises and makes an awkward exit.

MELVIN
Good talking to you.

He exits -- Simon puzzled and concerned.
59.


74 INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 74

Carol seated working on a letter... She is trying to express
her gratitude... An enormous sheaf of completed pages sit
next to her... She is so involved she doesn't even look up
as a young man, SEAN, knocks on the door and is let in by
Beverly.

They exchange greetings and move inside where we faintly
hear Spencer greeting him... We MOVE IN and read over
Carol's shoulder -- "I'm sorry to have gotten sloppy and
emotional in this letter, but it would have been on my
conscionce (sic) forever if I didn't tell you how gratefull
(sic)... "

BEVERLY
You're not still writing that thank-
you note?

CAROL
I'm on the last page. How do you
spell conscience?

BEVERLY
C-o-n-s-c-i-e-n-c-e. I got Sean
from the bakery to baby-sit so
let's go out.

CAROL
I still don't feel safe leaving
Spencer with someone. How do you
spell it again?

BEVERLY
Spencer is okay. You'd better start
finding something else to do with
your free time. If you can't feel
good about this break and step out
a little...
(struts and pumps her
arms)
You ought to get Mr. Udall to send
you over a psychiatrist.

CAROL
(more emotionally than
she intended)
I don't need one 'cause I know
what's really going on here. I have
to finish this letter or I'll go
nuts.
(looking at paper; weepy)
This can't be right -- con-
science.
60.


Carol breathes heavily -- gets control, stopping herself on
the brink of crying.

BEVERLY
Carol. What?

Carol is amazed at herself... that she might not be able to
stem the flow... wide-eyed with apprehension, she looks at
her mother, who, in return, only nods permission for Carol
to let it go. A last defiant snort from Carol -- and then
she is overwhelmed. The headline comes first.

CAROL
I don't know... It's very strange
not feeling that stupid panic thing
inside you all the time. Without
that you just start thinking about
yourself -- and what does that ever
get anybody. Today, on the bus
there was this adorable couple and
I felt myself giving them a dirty
look -- I had no idea everything
was...

BEVERLY
Go ahead.

CAROL
(great, forceful hand
gestures)
... moving in the wrong
direction... Away from when I even
remembered what it was like to have
a man to... anything... hold
fucking -- sorry -- hands with, for
Christ's sake. I was feeling like
really bad that Dr. Bettes is
married.
(this next one's tough)
Which is probably why I make poor
Spencer hug me more than he wants
to... Like the poor kid doesn't
have enough problems. He has to
make up for his mom not getting
any.
(weeps at her insight)
Oh, boy. Who needs these thoughts?

BEVERLY
Spencer's doing fine. So what are
you saying, that you're frustr...
61.


CAROL
Leave me be! Why are you doing
this? Why are you picking at my
sores... What is it that you
want?... You want what? What's with
you? I hope getting me thinking of
everything that's wrong when all I
want is to not do this has some
purpose.
(puffy; red; furious)
What is it, Mom? No kidding.

Slumped, fought out -- Carol gets out one last, naked husky
voiced question.

CAROL
What is it you want? What?

BEVERLY
I want us to go out.

A beat, then.

CAROL
(simply)
Okay.
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Melvin visits Simon, who is struggling financially and dealing with health issues. Carol is shown writing a letter while her friend Beverly visits her and tries to convince her to move on.
Strengths ""
Weaknesses "Slow pacing and lack of action."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 7

Originality: 5

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. The situation is familiar, but the naturalistic dialogue and vulnerability of the characters feel unique and authentic.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 6

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to find a sense of community and connection with others. He wants to feel like he belongs and has someone to confide in.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but appears to be comforting his friend and having a conversation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 5

Story Forward: 5

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is not a clear philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of its naturalistic dialogue and relatable emotional struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective because it allows the characters' emotions to build and be expressed naturally.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene is standard and professional, with easy-to-read action lines and dialogue.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene is well organized, with clear transitions between locations and dialogue.


Critique Overall, the scene could benefit from more clarity and specificity in its characters' actions and dialogue. The scene involves two separate conversations: one between Melvin and Simon, and another between Carol and her mother Beverly. However, the transition between the two is unclear and it's unclear if they are meant to be connected thematically.

In terms of character development, the scene provides some insight into the struggles of Melvin and Carol, but their dialogue could benefit from more nuance and specificity. For example, Melvin's explanation of his exhaustion and troubles could use more detail and Carol's emotional outburst could be better supported with clear setup and context.

Additionally, the scene could benefit from more attention to visual description and blocking to help guide the reader's imagination. Currently, there is little description of the characters' movements or facial expressions, which can make it difficult for the reader to picture the scene.

Overall, this scene has potential, but could use more attention to character and visual details to fully realize its dramatic potential.
Suggestions Overall, the scene could benefit from some tightening and clearer character motivations. Here are some specific suggestions:

- Give more context to who Melvin is and why he is visiting Simon. Right now, his entrance feels abrupt and unexplained.
- Show more clearly how Melvin and Simon relate to each other. Do they have an existing friendship? Why does Simon seem concerned?
- Simplify the dialogue between Melvin and Simon. The back-and-forth about being tired and sick could be condensed and made more impactful.
- Add more action or movement to the scene. Right now, it's just two people sitting and talking. Can they be doing something with their hands or moving around the room? This will make the scene more interesting to watch.
- Clarify why Carol is writing a thank-you note and why it's such a big deal for her. Right now, it feels like a small detail that's taking up too much screen time.
- Make Beverly's motivations clearer. Why does she want Carol to go out? Is she trying to distract her from something? Is she worried about her mental health?
- Build up to Carol's emotional outburst more gradually. Right now, it feels like it comes out of nowhere. Show more clearly what's been building up inside her and why she's so on edge.



Scene 20 - Love and Loss
75 INT. CAROL'S APT, SPENCER'S ROOM, HALLWAY - NIGHT 75

As they enter, still wiping away the effects of their cry.

CAROL
(to Sean)
We're going out.

SEAN
(looking at their red
eyes)
Looks like fun.

She kisses Spencer -- almost getting involved in what he's
doing -- then sees her mother waiting.

CAROL
Okay -- we're out of here. I love
you.

Spencer nods -- involved with Sean. CAMERA FOLLOWS Carol as
she exits the apartment -- her mother leading. Halfway down
the stairs, she stops and reverses herself, going back to
the apartment which she re-enters -- then to her son to ask:

CAROL
Do you love me?
62.


SPENCER
Uh-huh.

Carol exits.

76 EXT. STREET - NEAR CAROL'S BLDG. (MOVING) - DAY 76

Beverly and Carol walking past the store windows. A simple
and unprecedented experience in their recent lives.

BEVERLY
Nice to get out, isn't it?

Carol nods tightly... then they wrap arms around each other
and continue walking, turning into a corner bar.
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Carol and her mother leave the apartment, while Carol asks her son if he loves her. Later, Carol and Beverly go out and end up at a corner bar.
Strengths "The scene adds depth to Carol's character and shows her struggling with her emotions."
Weaknesses "There is no significant plot development or high stakes. The emotional impact is low."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 5


Story Content

Concept: 4

Plot: 2

Originality: 0


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character Changes: 5

Internal Goal: 0

External Goal: 0


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 2

Story Forward: 4

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 2

Dialogue: 4

Engagement: 0

Pacing: 0


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 0

Structure: 0


Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would critique the following scene in the following ways:

1. The scene lacks conflict or tension. It's simply a transition scene of Carol and her mother leaving the apartment to go out.

2. The dialogue feels forced and doesn't add anything to the scene. Sean's response to Carol about their red eyes comes across as sarcastic, but without any context, it feels out of place.

3. The kiss between Carol and Spencer feels awkwardly placed and interrupts the flow of the scene.

4. The camera direction could be more effective. Instead of simply following Carol out of the apartment and onto the street, a more interesting shot could be chosen to bring tension or emotion to the scene.

5. The moment where Carol asks Spencer if he loves her feels random and disconnected from the rest of the scene.

Overall, the scene lacks purpose and could be improved by adding in more conflict or a clearer objective for Carol and her mother. The dialogue and camera direction could also be improved to heighten the mood and tension.
Suggestions Here are some possible suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more emotion and depth to Carol and Sean's interaction. Right now, their conversation feels perfunctory and doesn't communicate much about their relationship. Consider adding more subtext, conflict, or history to their exchange to make it more interesting and meaningful.

2. Show more of Spencer's reaction to his mother leaving. Since he's the focus of the scene, it would be helpful to see how he feels about his mother going out and leaving him with Sean. Does he seem disappointed, relieved, or indifferent? This could add more tension and complexity to the scene.

3. Clarify the purpose of Carol's question to her son. Right now, her question feels random and disconnected from the rest of the scene. Consider making it more clear why she's asking this question or how it connects to her relationship with her son.

4. Consider adding more details about the bar they go to. Right now, the scene ends abruptly with them entering a bar, but it's unclear what kind of bar it is or what they plan to do there. Adding more description or dialogue could make this transition smoother and more engaging for the audience.



Scene 21 - Melvin's Request
77 INT. CAROL'S RESTAURANT - CLOSE ON CAROL - DAY 77

As Carol stands nervously while Lisa finishes reading her
letter. In the b.g. Melvin and Frank are seated at the same
table and in earnest conversation. Lisa keeps flicking away
tears -- a few drops on the pages.

CAROL
Don't get it wet.

Lisa brushes the paper -- finishes and embraces Carol.

CAROL
So it's okay?

LISA
You almost have me liking him. You
sure come from the heart. I never
knew what you went through with
everything.

CAROL
I wanted him to know how much he'd
done.
(looking over)
Can you believe he's eating with
someone.

78 ON MELVIN & FRANK 78

MELVIN
It's not my dog and this Simon
seems to have enough on his mind --
but he did throw up twice and his
spark is off.

FRANK
Sure -- take him to the vet.
63.


MELVIN
I did. And his stomach is out of
whack. So they need him for a
couple of days.

FRANK
Do it.

CAROL
Melvin.

She self-consciously hands him with the thick envelope.

MELVIN
What's this?

CAROL
(sotto)
A thank-you note for what you did
for me.

He hands it back to her deliberately. She takes it and walks
back to the service area where, embarrassed, confused, and
messed with -- she tosses the note.

After Carol leaves...

FRANK
She's nice.

MELVIN
(to Frank)
Really nice. Shouldn't that be a
good thing... telling someone, 'no
thanks required.'

FRANK
It looks like it really went over.
You're sure making the rounds.
Simon says you brought him soup
last night. I hope he doesn't write
you a note.

Melvin looks up -- wary -- his brain sends a disturbing
message.

FRANK
What?

MELVIN
"What?" Look at you... You sense a
mark.
64.


FRANK
Hey -- you called me... I...

MELVIN
About a dog.

FRANK
Yeah, but it's all about Simon
now... you helped with the dog...
And now there are other things. I'm
just as concerned as you are about
Simon.

MELVIN
Concerned. I'm just the hall
monitor here.

FRANK
It's not only financial assistance.
What he's got to do is go to
Baltimore tomorrow and ask his
parents for money. It's not going
to happen on the phone.

MELVIN
Yeah. If his parents are alive
they've got to help -- those are
the rules. Good.

FRANK
Yes. And tomorrow? I have a high
maintenance selling painter coming
through... So I'm out. Can you take
him?

MELVIN
Think white and get serious.

Carol enters scene.

FRANK
Take my car -- a convertible. Do
you drive?

MELVIN
(loudly)
Like the wind but I'm not doing it.

CAROL
Getting loud, getting loud.

MELVIN
He wants me to take his car and his
client to Baltimore.
65.


CAROL
I want your life for a minute where
my big problem is someone offers me
a free convertible so I can get out
of this city.

She exits. Frank prepares to depart.

MELVIN
Okay. I'll take him. Get him packed
-- ready -- tomorrow morning.

Frank stumbles back... self-satisfied, he relaxes.

MELVIN
(excited)
Okay... so I'll see you tomorrow.
Let's not drag this out. We don't
enjoy another that much.

FRANK
If there's some mental health
foundation that raises money to
help people like you be sure to let
me know.

MELVIN
Last word freak.

Frank adjusts and exits... Carol approaches calling a "good-
bye" to him.

CAROL
So. Anything else?

MELVIN
Yes. I'm going to give my queer
neighbor a lift to Baltimore.

CAROL
Okay.

MELVIN
Hey, what I did for you is working
out?

CAROL
(a breath; then)
What you did changed my life.

She offers him the note.

MELVIN
No... no thank you notes.
66.


CAROL
Well, part of what I said in this
entire history of my life which you
won't read is that somehow you've
done more for my mother, my son and
me, than anyone else ever has...
And that makes you the most
important, surprising, generous
person I've ever met and that you
be in our daily prayers forever.

MELVIN
Lovely.

CAROL
I also wrote one part... I wrote
I'm sorry... I was talking about I
was sorry when I got mad at you
when you came over and you told my
son that he ought to answer back so
I wrote that.
(reading from the letter,
Melvin wildly
uncomfortable)
I was sorry for busting you on
that... and I'm sorry for busting
in on you that night... when I said
I was never... I was sorry and I'm
sorry every time your food was cold
and that you had to wait two
seconds for a coffee filler...

Melvin wants to disappear but Carol is getting into it --
emotionally moved by her own words.

CAROL
... and I'm sorry for never
spotting, right there at the table
in the restaurant, the human being
that had it in him to do this thing
for us... You know what, I'm just
going to start from the
beginning... I have not been able
to express my gratefulness to
you... even as I look at the word
"grateful" now it doesn't begin to
tell you what I feel for you...

And finally Carol notes Melvin's mood and pauses.

MELVIN
Nice of you... thank you.
67.


CAROL
Thank you.

MELVIN
Now I want you to do something for
me.

She looks at him for a very strange, long beat.

CAROL
Oh, I'm sorry... Didn't I say,
"what?" I thought I said,
"what?"... What?

MELVIN
I want you to go on this trip.

CAROL
No, sir...

MELVIN
I can't do this alone. I'm afraid
he'll pull the stiff one eye on me.
I need you to chaperon. Separate
everything but cars. You said you
liked convertibles. Now I'm on the
hook.

CAROL
The stiff one eye?

MELVIN
Two days.

CAROL
I can't. I work.

MELVIN
You take off when you have to.

CAROL
My son.

MELVIN
Bettes tells me he's doing fine.

CAROL
(no other way)
Melvin, I'd rather not.

MELVIN
What's that got to do with it?
68.


CAROL
Funny, I thought it was a strong
point.

MELVIN
Write me a note and ain't she
sweet. I need a hand and where'd
she go.

CAROL
Are you saying accepting your help
obligates me!?

MELVIN
Is there another way to see it?

CAROL
No.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Melvin asks Carol to chaperone him on a trip to Baltimore and she refuses
Strengths "Realistic dialogue and emotional tension"
Weaknesses "Slow pacing and lack of clear character motivations"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 7

Originality: 7

The scene is relatively straightforward in terms of plot and conflicts, but the dialogue feels fresh and allows the characters to reveal their personalities and motivations. The authentic portrayal of Melvin's fear of emotional connection is unique and well-executed.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 5

Internal Goal: 9

Melvin's internal goal is to successfully navigate his newfound caring and generous behavior towards others while battling his own misanthropic tendencies.

External Goal: 8

Melvin's external goal is to take Simon, his neighbor, to Baltimore to ask his parents for money, and he asks Carol to come along to help chaperone.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 6

Story Forward: 6

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Melvin's desire to do good for others but maintain his misanthropic tendencies and his discomfort with receiving gratitude and help from others.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 8

The scene is engaging because it balances humor and drama, allows the characters to reveal their personalities and motivations, and sets up conflicts that will likely play out over the course of the script.

Pacing: 8

The pacing builds tension effectively and balances the emotional weight of the scene with moments of humor and lightness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene is formatted correctly and follows industry standards for screenplay formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-driven drama, with clear conflict and tension building. However, it doesn't conform to standard act/scene structure, which could make it harder to fit into a traditional screenplay outline.


Critique Overall, this scene could use some improvement in terms of clarity and pacing. The dialogue between Melvin and Frank seems disjointed and may be better if condensed or restructured. Additionally, some of the dialogue between Carol and Melvin could be more direct and understandable, as their conversation seems to wander at times. Some minor edits or revisions could tighten up the scene and make it more effective.
Suggestions Overall, the scene has good dialogue and explores the relationship between Carol and Melvin. However, there are some ways to improve it:

1. Clarify who Lisa is - currently, the scene introduces Lisa without any prior context or explanation. Adding a line or two to establish who she is would make it less confusing for the audience.

2. Add more action - the scene is mostly just dialogue between characters sitting at a table. Adding more movement or action to the scene would make it more visually interesting.

3. Show more of Melvin's emotions - while Carol is expressing her gratitude to Melvin, he seems uncomfortable and is trying to deflect the attention. Showing more of his emotions and how he feels about Carol's words would add depth to his character.

4. Add more conflict - the scene is mostly just characters talking politely to each other. Adding more conflict or tension between Carol and Melvin would make it more engaging for the audience. For example, Melvin could push Carol harder to come on the trip and she could push back, creating a more dynamic scene.



Scene 22 - Packing and Leaving
79 INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT - BEVERLY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 79

Carol takes an old weekend case down from the top shelf of
the closet.

CAROL
Well, here's a little suitcase
shocked that it's been used.

She holds up a dress -- a pretty one... then decides it's
too pretty and puts it back... Now she looks in another
drawer and pauses as if she ponders one of the mysteries of
the ages. She hesitates then talks to herself.

80 INSERT -- UNDERWEAR DRAWER 80

Her best underwear neatly stacked alongside her everyday
"girl Jockies." She fingers the good stuff -- puts it back --
then the everyday -- hesitates.

CAROL
(furiously exasperated)
There's not way to pack for this
trip... well, I'll tell you -- I'm
not packing the camera.

As she exits the room --

81 INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - NIGHT 81

As she picks up the phone.
69.


82 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT 82

Melvin is in his bedroom -- everything he's taking neatly
stacked on the bed waiting to be packed (he is taking a
camera). He has a list of what he needs. All items --
underwear, socks, etc... with four checks next to each one
and still he -- checks each stack on the bed and adds
another check. The PHONE RINGS. This is an amazing
development. He has almost no recent experience with
receiving a nighttime phone call. He makes a little comment
to himself as he moves.

MELVIN
Woo-woo.

He stops -- briefly trying to remember where the phone is --
and then, remembering, crosses and picks it up but before
bringing it to his mouth nervously clears his throat.

ON CAROL
As she hears his throat being
cleared. It is not a pretty sound.
(The following conversation is
INTERCUT.)

CAROL
Hello?

MELVIN
Are you still coming?

CAROL
Yes.

Melvin visibly relaxes.

CAROL
Melvin... I'd like to know exactly
where we are going.

MELVIN
Just south to Baltimore, Maryland.
So I know what you're going to ask
next.
(correcting himself)
That you might ask -- I'm not
certain.

CAROL
There's... there's no need to bring
anything dressy... or... I mean --
I didn't know if we'd be eating at
any restaurant that have dress
codes.
70.


MELVIN
Oh.
(a beat)
We might. Yes. We can. Let's.

CAROL
Okay, gotcha. What did you think I
was going to ask?

MELVIN
Whether crabs are in season there
now...

CAROL
Oh. Okay, then -- Melvin. Good
night.

83 INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT - BEVERLY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 83

Beverly looks up expectantly as her daughter enters.

BEVERLY
How was it talking to him?

CAROL
Stop treating this like I'm going
away with a man. He's just going to
say those crappy, sick,
complaining, angry things to me. I
hate this, Mom -- I hate this. He's
a freak show -- the worst person I
ever met.

BEVERLY
Well, maybe he has nice friends.

84 EXT. CAROL'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY 84

Beverly and Spencer wait with her. The bus approaches. She
kisses them.

CAROL
(to Spencer)
You stand there and I'll wave to
you from the back window.

As she boards the bus.

BEVERLY
Call me as soon as you're settled.

CAROL
(to Spencer)
I love you.
71.


The bus driver closes the doors on her -- she shoves them
open.

CAROL
(to bus driver)
Sensitive, huh?!

The bus pulls out. He runs after the bus -- waving at his
mother who grows concerned that he might be taxing himself.

85 INT. VETERINARIAN'S WAITING ROOM - DAY 85

A female VETERINARIAN in surgical scrubs holds Verdell as
Melvin finishes filling out some forms.

On opposite sides of the waiting room, a very large black
dog and a tiny Chihuahua sit patiently with their owners.

VETERINARIAN
Anything unusual in the dog's diet?

MELVIN
No. Everybody gets their own cage?

VETERINARIAN
Certainly.

MELVIN
(pointing to Chihuahua)
Put him in with that one, not that
one...
(pointing to large dog)
... Builds his confidence.

86 EXT. BUS STOP NEAR APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK) - DAY 86

Carol disembarks.
Genres: ["drama","comedy"]

Summary Carol packs for a trip with Melvin, while expressing frustration towards him. She leaves for the trip, while her mother and son see her off. Melvin takes Verdell to the vet and impresses the veterinarian. Carol disembarks from the bus.
Strengths "The scene showcases Carol's emotional state and relationship with Melvin, adding depth to the characters."
Weaknesses "The scene does not advance the plot significantly."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7


Story Content

Concept: 7

Plot: 6

Originality: 8

The scene employs fresh dialogue and a restrained approach to character portrayal that conveys authentic emotion and avoids cliches.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 5

Internal Goal: 9

Carol's internal goal in this sequence is to mentally and emotionally prepare herself for a trip with Melvin, whom she despises. Her frustration and anxiety reflect her fear of being trapped in a situation she cannot control, as well as her desire to avoid exposing herself to Melvin's unpleasant behavior.

External Goal: 8

Carol's external goal is to pack for her upcoming trip with Melvin and to clarify the nature of their plans.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 6

Story Forward: 6

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no philosophical conflict conveyed in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

Dialogue: 6

Engagement: 7

While the scene's tension keeps the viewer engaged, the minimalistic approach may not appeal to every audience member.

Pacing: 8

The scene's pacing is steady, providing enough time for character actions and dialogue to unfold effectively without dragging on.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for screenplays.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a simple, effective structure that emphasizes character action and dialogue over elaborate descriptions or setups.


Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, my understanding is that this scene is well-written and effectively conveys the characters' motivations and relationships. The dialogue feels authentic and natural, and the intercutting between Carol and Melvin's phone conversation works well to build tension and anticipation for their upcoming trip. The use of physical actions, such as Carol packing and Melvin checking and re-checking his list, also adds visual interest to the scene. Overall, this scene appears to be a successful example of character development and dialogue-driven storytelling.
Suggestions The scene could be improved by adding more tension and conflict. Perhaps there could be a disagreement between Carol and Melvin about where they are going or some kind of misunderstanding that causes tension between them. This would create a more engaging dynamic and add depth to their relationship. Additionally, there could be more action in the scene to keep the audience engaged, such as Carol struggling to pack her suitcase or Melvin racing to catch the bus as it pulls away. Overall, adding more conflict and action would make the scene more compelling and memorable for the audience.



Scene 23 - The Car Ride
87 EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK) - DAY 87

As she walks and turns a corner.

CLOSE ON CAROL

The shot of the prisoner taking the walk toward the death
chamber. But the prisoner -- has grit -- her knees do not
buckle. She does not whimper. No prison "screws" will have
to support her weight. Still, the prospect couldn't be
grimmer.

CAROL'S POV
Melvin next to a spiffy
convertible. Top down. Trunk open.
72.


CLOSER ON MELVIN

He is wearing driving gloves and turns to witness the tussle
Frank and Simon are having just inside the building.

FRANK
I'm sorry that I'm not taking you.

SIMON
(upset)
So am I, Frank.

Frank starts to leave -- Simon stops him. They embrace.

MELVIN
Soak it up -- it's your last chance
at a hug for a few days.

As Frank moves off Melvin sees Carol and his demeanor
changes... that quickly there is a shyness.

CAROL
Hi.

MELVIN
Thanks for being on time... Carol,
the waitress, this is Simon, the
fag.

CAROL
Hello... Oh, my God, who did that
to you?

SIMON
I, uh... I was... attacked. Walked
in on people robbing me. I was
hospitalized. I almost died.

MELVIN
Let's do the small talk in the car.
Load up.

Carol puts her bag in the car.

MELVIN
I was going to do that for you.

CAROL
(taken aback)
It's okay. No problem. Where should
we sit?
73.


MELVIN
(totally non-plussed)
I -- uh, I... Well, there is no
place cards or anything.

CAROL
(to Simon)
Let me go in back. You look like
you need all the room you can
manage.

SIMON
That's very thoughtful.

MELVIN
Never a break. Never.

Carol steps into the back. Melvin disappointed that he's not
sitting next to Carol... Carol is wedged in the small back
seat. She struggles to get her feet in.

MELVIN
You're really jammed back there.

He reaches for the latch between his legs and slides his
seat and, with some effort, wrenches it forward giving
Carol more room and putting his right against the wheel. She
is startled by the gesture.

CAROL
Thanks, Melvin.

MELVIN
Welcome.

And off they go. Simon and Carol stunned by the manners.

88 EXT. 12TH STREET 88

Turning onto Fifth.

MELVIN
I got the whole ride programmed.

CAMERA FOLLOWS as Melvin goes to a rack of CDs -- all
carefully labelled. He selects and begins to play the one
marked "ICEBREAKER." It is a song which we clearly and
quickly judge as off the circumstances -- a quick burst of
"Y.M.C.A." Melvin STOPS the MUSIC and chuckles.

MELVIN
Just wanted to see what you'd do.
No, we have greatness here.
74.


He goes for another CD labelled "FOR USE TO REP THINGS UP."

The car turns onto Seventh as we hear BEAUTIFULLY SELECTED
MUSIC.

CAROL (O.S.)
Hey, I like this music.

And, as the MUSIC PLAYS, Simon looks out.

89 EXT. ROAD - DAY 89

The three of them... Carol chattering away.

CAROL
I don't know the last time I've
been out of the city... Hey, my
arms are tanning. I used to tan
great. We gotta stop soon so'se I
can check on Spencer.

SIMON
(during the above)
I'm sorry... I can't hear you. I
can't turn my head all the way
yet... tell her we can't hear her.

MELVIN
Doesn't matter. She's enjoying
herself. Consider it part of the
music.
Genres: ["drama","comedy"]

Summary Carol and Melvin head out to Baltimore with Simon in the backseat, where they struggle with small talk and music selection.
Strengths "The tension between Carol and Melvin creates an interesting dynamic, and the humor injected into the situation keeps it from becoming too heavy. The characters, though flawed, are likable and relatable. The use of music helps to set the tone and create an atmosphere."
Weaknesses "The scene lacks a bit of conflict and doesn't do much to move the plot forward. It's mostly focused on character interaction and development, which is good, but it does lead to a lull in the story's momentum. Simon's presence is somewhat unnecessary, as he doesn't contribute much to the scene."

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 7.5


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 7

Originality: 3

This scene is not particularly original, as it features a typical car ride conversation between characters from different backgrounds.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character Changes: 3

Internal Goal: 0

Carol's internal goal is not clearly defined in this scene.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to drive Simon and Carol to their destination.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 4

Story Forward: 5

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

Dialogue: 7

Engagement: 5

The scene is somewhat engaging due to the naturalistic dialogue and attention to character actions, but there is no major conflict or tension to drive interest.

Pacing: 8

The pace of the scene is well balanced, with naturalistic pauses and movement and clear action and dialogue description.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

This scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with consistent use of proper capitalization and punctuation.

Structure: 8

This scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear action and dialogue description and a proper scene heading.


Critique The scene is well written and establishes the setting and characters effectively. The dialogue feels natural and the interactions between Melvin, Carol, and Simon are believable. The use of music to break the tension is a clever touch. However, it is unclear what the purpose of this scene is and how it advances the plot. It appears to be a transitional scene, moving the characters from one location to another, but it feels disconnected from any larger narrative. Additionally, the use of the derogatory term "fag" to describe Simon is offensive and unnecessary. Overall, while the scene is competently written, it could benefit from more purpose and sensitivity.
Suggestions There are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Clarify the purpose of the scene: It's unclear why the characters are heading to their destination or why this scene is even included in the script. Adding some context as to why they're there and what their goals are would help ground the scene.

2. Make the dialogue more natural: Some of the dialogue feels forced or unnatural. It might be helpful to read the lines out loud to see if they sound like something a real person would say.

3. Emphasize the tension: The scene starts with a reference to a prisoner walking to their death, but then quickly transitions to a conversation in a car. To keep the tension high, it could be helpful to tie in the tension of the prisoner's fate somehow.

4. Show, don't tell: The scene could benefit from more action and description, which will help it feel more dynamic. Rather than just having characters talk, show them reacting to their surroundings and each other.

5. Elevate the stakes: As it stands, there isn't much at stake in the scene. Adding in some higher stakes or conflict would make it more engaging.



Scene 24 - Trauma Stories
90 EXT. ROAD - DAY 90

A short time later. Carol is now driving.

CAROL
I'm sure, Simon, they did something
real off for you to feel this
way... But when it comes to your
partners -- or your kid -- things
will always be off for you unless
you set it straight. Maybe this
thing happened to you just to give
you that chance.

MELVIN
Nonsense!

CAROL
Anybody here who's interested in
what Melvin has to say raise their
hands.
75.


Simon does not raise his hand. Simon and Carol have thus
declared their majority.

SIMON
Do you want to know what happened
with my parents?

CAROL
Yes. I really would.

SIMON
Well...

CAROL
No, let me pull over so I can pay
full attention.

Car pulling over toward parking spot.

91 EXT. HIGHWAY - CURBSIDE - CONVERTIBLE - DAY 91

She takes the car curbside and parks.

CAROL
Now go ahead.

Simon looks back at Melvin as does Carol. He looks innocent.
Several beats -- Melvin almost says something -- a hidden
hand gesture from Carol stops him. Finally.

SIMON
Well, I always painted. Always. And
my mother always encouraged it. She
was sort of fabulous about it
actually... and she used to... I
was too young to think there was
anything at all wrong with it...
and she was very natural. She used
to pose nude for me... and I
thought or assumed my father was
aware of it.

MELVIN
This stuff is pointless.

CAROL
Hey -- you let him...

MELVIN
You like sad stories -- you want
mine.
76.


CARL
. Go ahead, Simon. Really. Please.
Don't let him stop you. Ignore him.

SIMON
Okay. Well, one day my father came
in on one of those painting
sessions when I was nine -- and he
just started screaming at her -- at
us -- at evil. And...

MELVIN
(very quickly)
... my father didn't leave his room
for 11 years -- he hit my hand with
a yardstick if I made a mistake on
the piano.

CAROL
Go ahead, Simon. Your father walked
in on you and was yelling and...
really, come on.

SIMON
I was trying to defend my mother
and make peace, in the lamest way.
I said, "she's not naked -- it's
art." And then he started hitting
me. And he beat me unconscious.
After that he talked to me less and
less -- he knew before I left for
college, my dad came into my room.
He held out his hand. It was filled
with money. A big wad of sweaty
money.
(gathers himself)
And he said to me, "I don't want
you to ever come back." I grabbed
him and I hugged him... He turns
and walked out.

Carol, whose life has been rugged but basic, feels as
strange as she does moved by Simon's trauma which is so much
more complicated than her meat and potatoes troubles. She
looks out her window -- then kisses her fingers and touches
them to Simon's cheek. A nice, understated, gesture of
friendship.

CAROL
Well, you know -- I still stay what
I said. You've got to get past it
all when it comes to your parents.
We all have these horror stories to
get over.
77.


Melvin shifts INTO the FRAME.

MELVIN
That's not true. Some of us have
great stories... pretty stories
that take place at lakes with boats
and friends and noodle salad. Just
not anybody in this car. But lots
of people -- that's their story --
good times and noodle salad... and
that's what makes it hard. Not that
you had it bad but being that
pissed that so many had it good.

CAROL
No.

SIMON
Not it at all, really.

MELVIN
(a veteran's irony)
Not at all, huh?!... Let's go to
the hotel. And if you're lucky
tomorrow Dad will give you another
wad of sweaty money.

92 INT. HOTEL SUITE - LIVING ROOM/CARL'S ROOM - DAY 92

MELVIN
Two bedrooms and the sofa opens...

Carol is on the phone in the living room -- she hangs up.

CAROL
(to Simon)
No answer... Maybe we should just
drive there tomorrow. Can I have
that one?

MELVIN
Yes... sure.
(to Simon)
I'll take the sofa.

Carol walks into her room -- the nicest room she'll ever
have slept in... She goes to the phone and dials...

CAROL
(into phone)
Hello... Hi, Spencer... Why are you
out of breath? You did?!? That is
great... So great... So -- no, wait
a second, Spence...
78.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Carol, Melvin, and Simon share their traumatic pasts, with Simon recounting his father's physical abuse and eventual disownment for his passion for art.
Strengths "Realistic portrayal of trauma through the characters' dialogue and interactions, strong emotional impact with touching moments such as Carol's gesture of friendship towards Simon"
Weaknesses "Lack of true conflict in this scene, as it mostly serves as a moment of character development and emotional reflection"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 8

Originality: 5

The scene is not particularly original in its subject matter or themes, but it is notable for its realistic depiction of conversation and its ability to convey character development through dialogue alone. The characters' backstories and motivations are well established, and their conflicts and internal struggles are conveyed with subtlety and nuance.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 8

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to open up and share his traumas related to his parents and childhood. This reflects his need for validation and understanding, as he seeks friendship from Carol.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to reach his destination and make plans with Spencer. The road conversation serves as a distraction from the journey and a bonding experience for the characters.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 6

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between Melvin's cynicism and Carol and Simon's optimism and emotional openness. This challenge relates to their beliefs about the human condition and resilience in the face of adversity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because of its focus on character development and emotional depth. The conversation between the characters is realistic and relatable, and the audience is invested in learning about Simon's backstory and seeing how the characters interact and grow throughout the scene.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotional states and allows for a natural sense of intimacy and spontaneity. The dialogue and action flow smoothly, and the emotional beats are well spaced and build to a satisfying conclusion.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear and concise descriptions of character actions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear beginning, middle, and end, as well as an identifiable conflict and emotional arc for the characters. The scene flow smoothly and is easy to follow.


Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I can provide some general guidelines for critiquing a scene, but it's important to note that the quality of a scene can depend on various factors (e.g. context, character development, pacing, dialogue, theme, setting, etc.). Here are some potential considerations:

- Does the scene advance the plot or character development in a meaningful way? In other words, does it reveal something new about the characters, the story, or the themes?
- Is the dialogue natural, engaging, and true to the characters' voices? Is there a clear conflict or tension that propels the dialogue forward?
- Does the scene make effective use of the setting or visual elements to create atmosphere or mood? Are there interesting details or shots that add depth or texture to the scene?
- How well does the scene fit in with the overall structure or tone of the screenplay? Does it feel consistent with what has come before and what will come after?
- Are there any moments or lines that feel forced, cliche, or unearned? Are there any missed opportunities for deeper or more nuanced exploration of the characters or themes?

Again, without more context or a full understanding of the screenplay, it's hard to give a specific critique of this scene. However, based on this excerpt, a potential critique might focus on the dialogue and pacing. While there are some interesting details and conflicts introduced (e.g. Simon's traumatic childhood, Melvin's antagonism), the dialogue can feel a bit too on-the-nose and expository at times. Additionally, some of the beats and moments could be tightened up to create a more focused or impactful scene. However, these are just potential critiques and may not accurately reflect the overall quality of the scene in its full context.
Suggestions There are a few ways to improve this scene to make it more engaging and effective:

1. Add more description: The scene lacks description, making it hard for the reader to visualize what’s happening. Adding more description, such as the surroundings, the characters' actions, and their emotions, can help readers understand the scene better and also make it more interesting.

2. Add tension: The scene lacks tension, which can make it feel dull and unengaging. Adding tension can make the scene more interesting by creating a feeling of urgency or suspense. For example, you could add more conflict between the characters or a sense of impending danger.

3. Use more active language: The dialogue in the scene is passive, making it feel slow and uninteresting. Using more active language, such as stronger verbs and more expressive adjectives, can make the scene more engaging and dynamic.

4. Develop the characters: The characters in the scene feel flat and underdeveloped. Giving them more depth, personality, and backstory can make the scene more engaging by giving readers a reason to care about them.

5. Tighten up the dialogue: The dialogue in the scene could benefit from some editing to make it more concise and impactful. Removing unnecessary words or phrases, clarifying the characters’ intentions, and adding more subtext can make the dialogue more effective.



Scene 25 - Restaurant Disaster
93 INT. HOTEL SUITE - MELVIN AND SIMON'S HOTEL ROOM - DAY 93

Melvin watches Simon struggle to unpack his especially neat
suitcase. Melvin is uncomfortable.

MELVIN
Can I ask you a personal question?

Simon laughs loudly in apprehension squared.

MELVIN
Do you ever get an erection for a
woman?

SIMON
Melvin...

MELVIN
Wouldn't your lie be a lot easier
if you were not...

SIMON
You consider your life easy.

MELVIN
I give you that one...
(eyes suitcase)
Nice packing.

94 INT. HOTEL SUITE - LIVING ROOM - DAY 94

Carol enters the common living room... Melvin is sitting
there. Carol is dealing with a number of unsettling new
factors in her life.

CAROL
My son was outside playing soccer.
I never saw him playing ball. Come
on, you guys -- take me out for a
good time... Take me out dancing.

MELVIN
Dancing?

SIMON
I can't, I'm exhausted.

Carol walks to Simon and puts an arm on him. Melvin is
visibly disturbed by her gesture.

CAROL
(to Simon)
I don't blame you...
79.


This is a monumental first day
out... You sad or anything?

SIMON
No... Nervous. It would be very
rough, Carol, if you weren't along.

CAROL
What a nice compliment.

She gives Simon a kiss... Melvin deals with jealousy. She
turns to him.

CAROL
I'm happy. And you're my date.
Let's get dressed.

She exits the room. Melvin unnerved.

MELVIN
I'm going to jump in the shower.
I'll be right with you.

95 INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT 95

As Carol, dressed in a thrift shop find, enters the main
room of the suite and hears the SHOWER running -- she sits
down to wait -- through...

96 SERIES OF DISSOLVES 96

Showing the enormous length of time which transpires until
finally a seriously clean Melvin emerges from the bathroom
through a cloud of steam. They exit.

97 EXT. FIRST RATE RESTAURANT - NIGHT 97

As they drive up.

VALET
Good evening, sir.

MELVIN
They sell hard shell crabs here?

VALET
Yes.

98 INT. FIRST RATE RESTAURANT - NIGHT 98

As they enters...

HEAD WAITER
Good evening.
80.


MELVIN
Hi. You have hard shells, right?

CAROL
Stop asking everyone.

MELVIN
Just him and that's it. Okay, you
can answer -- we've worked it out.

HEAD WAITER
Yes, we do... And I can give you a
tie and jacket.

MELVIN
What?

HEAD WAITER
They require a tie and jacket but
we have some available.

He reaches into the coat and check room and withdraws them.

MELVIN
No... I'm not wearing that -- and
just in case you were going to ask
I'm not going to let you inject me
with plaque either.

CAROL
You promised a nice place -- can't
you just...
(to Head Waiter)
You have these dry cleaned all the
time, don't you?

HEAD WAITER
Actually, I don't think so.

MELVIN
(to Carol)
Wait here.

99 EXT. FIRST RATE RESTAURANT - NIGHT 99

As Melvin takes his car back from the valet.

100 EXT. STREET - SHOPPING MALL - NIGHT 100

As the car goes right across the street to a shopping mall.

101 INT. SHOPPING MALL - MEN'S STORE - NIGHT 101

Melvin walks to the doorway and stops suddenly.
81.


SALESMAN
Good evening.

MELVIN
I need a coat and tie.

OTHER ANGLE
CAMERA REVEALS that the floor is
intricately patterned so that
passage for Melvin is impossible.

SALESMAN
Come on in.

MELVIN
No.

SALESMAN
No?

MELVIN
(pointing)
That jacket and give me a tie.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Melvin and Carol go out to a fancy restaurant where Melvin is uncomfortable and refuses to wear a jacket and tie. He leaves to buy one and returns with a tie only, leading to a scene in the restaurant causing Carol to feel embarrassed.
Strengths "Intriguing character development for Melvin"
Weaknesses "Lack of dialogue and the pace slows down in the middle"

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8


Story Content

Concept: 9

Plot: 9

Originality: 6

While the setting of a restaurant and the tension between characters is familiar, the unique voices of the characters and their individual struggles provide a fresh take on the situation. The dialogue feels authentic and natural.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 5

Internal Goal: 9

Melvin's internal goal in this scene is to deal with his jealousy towards Simon and Carol's relationship. This reflects his deeper fears of loneliness and inadequacy.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to take Carol out on a date. This reflects the immediate circumstance as well as the challenge of making the date enjoyable for Carol and fulfilling for himself.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 5

Story Forward: 7

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is the contrasting beliefs and values between Melvin and Carol. She wants to have fun and explore new things, while he is jealous and resentful of Simon's relationship with her. This conflict challenges Melvin's own outlook on love and relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

Dialogue: 6

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it features tension and conflict between the characters, snappy dialogue, and a humorous tone.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective as it moves quickly through sharp dialogue and quick scene transitions, and establishes a sense of tension and conflict between the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and character descriptions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre of a romantic comedy, with characters engaging in witty banter and comedic misunderstandings.


Critique There are a few issues with this scene that could be improved upon. Firstly, the dialogue doesn't flow naturally and feels a bit forced. The exchange between Melvin and Simon about erections feels out of place and doesn't add much to their characters or the plot. Secondly, the scene could benefit from more sensory detail to enhance the setting and atmosphere. For example, what is the lighting like in the hotel suite or the restaurant? What do they smell or hear? Adding these details can help immerse the audience in the scene. Finally, there are some unclear transitions and cutaways, such as the series of dissolves showing the time passing. These transitions could be made smoother and clearer to keep the audience engaged.
Suggestions First, the scene needs clearer character motivations. We don't know why Melvin is uncomfortable with Simon's neatness, or why Carol's arm on Simon makes him jealous. It also needs more development: with such a short scene, it's hard for us to understand why this moment is important.

One suggestion could be to make Melvin's discomfort with Simon's neatness a recurring theme throughout the script. Perhaps Melvin is the messy one, and Simon's neatness bothers him. This could create a larger conflict between the two characters.

Also, the dialogue could be more natural and meaningful, with fewer one-liners. For example, instead of Melvin asking Simon about his erections, there could be a more subtle approach to the question of Simon's sexuality. This would avoid cheap shots and create a more organic conversation.

Furthermore, the scene needs to have a clearer sense of place and tone. Is it a comedy or a drama? Is the restaurant upscale or low-key? These details can help set the mood and make the scene more effective.

Finally, the scene could be strengthened by adding more action or blocking. Perhaps Melvin is fidgety throughout the scene, or Carol's arm on Simon makes him shift in his seat. These physical cues can add to the tension and make the scene more dynamic.



Scene 26 - The Awkward Dinner Date
102 EXT. FIRST RATE RESTAURANT - NIGHT 102

As he pulls up - a new VALET taking his car.

VALET #2
Good evening.

MELVIN
You have hard shells?

VALET #2
I'm not sure.

MELVIN
Everyone else says you do.

VALET #2
Then I guess we do.

103 INT. FIRST RATE RESTAURANT 103

As he enters, looks for and then spot Carol. She is having a
martini at the bar... Sitting on a stool -- watching COUPLES
dance... Happy by herself... Turning down a MAN who wants to
buy her another... And Melvin watches... Watches his date.

HEAD WAITER
Shall I get her for you?
82.


MELVIN
No, it's all right. I'll just
watch.

He enjoys watching her for a few more beats... She turns --
Melvin makes a "Haul your ass over here" gesture... and she
smiles and walks toward him... A WAITER has lifted her drink
-- placed it on a tray and follows her. She takes a bit of a
slalom course through the tables, giddy as the MUSIC PLAYS
and couples dance in the b.g. She notices the waiter in her
trail.

CAROL
(mouthing the words to
Melvin)
My drink is following me.

Melvin watches her approach. It is all too exquisite. He
takes a breath -- it doesn't come easily.

CAROL
You look s...

She stops herself from saying "sexy," regathers, then...

CAROL
You look great.

They arrives at the table. He holds out her chair for her.

CAROL
You wanna dance?

MELVIN
I've been thinking about that since
you brought it up before.

CAROL
(rising)
And?

MELVIN
No...
(and before she can
digest that)
... I don't get this place. They
make me buy an outfit but they let
you wear a house dress. I don't get
it.

ON CAROL
Melvin has no idea he has insulted
her. Sandbagged in extreme, she
gets up -- actually ready to leave.
83.


MELVIN
No. Wait. What? Why? I didn't mean
it. You gotta sit down. You can
still give me the dirty look...
just sit down and give it to me.

CAROL
Melvin, pay me a compliment... I
need one and quick... You have no
idea how much what you said just
hurt my feelings.

MELVIN
(really pissed, mutters)
That monominute somebody gets that
you need them they threaten to go
away. Never fails.

CAROL
That's not compliment, Melvin...
That's just trying to sound smart
so I feel stupid... A compliment is
something nice about somebody
else... Now or never.

MELVIN
Okay.

He waves her down.

CAROL
(sitting)
And mean it...

MELVIN
Can we order first?

She thinks and then nods. The waiter is across the room.
This does not stop Melvin.

MELVIN
(calling)
Two crab dinners and pitcher of
cold beer.
(to Carol)
Baked or fries?

CAROL
Fries.

MELVIN
(calling)
One baked -- one fries.
84.


STARTLED WAITER
(shouting back)
I'll tell your waiter.

MELVIN
(to Carol)
Okay, I got a real great compliment
for you and it's true.

CAROL
I am so afraid you're about to say
something awful...

MELVIN
Don't be pessimistic. It's not your
style. Okay... Here I goes...
Clearly a mistake.
(this is hell for him)
I have this -- what? Ailment... And
my doctor -- a shrink... who I used
to see all the time... he says 50
or 60 percent of the time a pill
can really help. I hate pills. Very
dangerous things, pills. "Hate," I
am using the word "hate" about
pills. My compliment is that when
you came to my house that time and
told me how you'd never -- well,
you were there, you know... The
next morning I started taking these
pills.

CAROL
(a little confused)
I don't quite get how that's a
compliment for me.

Amazing that something in Melvin rises to the occasion -- so
that he uncharacteristically looks at her directly -- then:

MELVIN
You make me want to be a better
man.

Carol never expected the kind of praise which would so slip
under her guard. She stumbles a bit -- flattered,
momentarily moved and his for the taking.

CAROL
That's maybe the best compliment of
my life.
85.


MELVIN
Then I've really overshot here
'cause I was aiming at just enough
to keep you from walking out.

Carol laughs.

CAROL
So how are you doing with those
pills? Well, I hopahopahopa.

MELVIN
Takes months to know... They work
little by little.
(holds his head; then)
Talking like this is exhausting.

Carol moves to the chair next to him... She sits very close -
- he tenses.

CAROL
Have you ever let a romantic moment
make you do something you know is
stupid?

MELVIN
Never.

CAROL
Here's the trouble with never.

TIGHT SHOT
for the kiss. Their faces are close
-- she looks at him... She closes
her eyes -- her face moving toward
him -- he is wide-eyed and
afraid... His face almost moves
away -- in a shot this close it's
almost flight... But now his head
moves back and he receives her
kiss. It is brief. Carol smiles
encouragement to him and herself.
Melvin can't bear the pleasure.

MELVIN
You don't owe me that.

CAROL
That wasn't payment. When you first
came into breakfast, when I saw you
-- I thought you were handsome...
Then, of course, you spoke...
86.


So now that your soft li'l
underbelly is all exposed. Tell me,
why did you bring me?

Melvin's voice is soft -- hesitant, okay, vulnerable... as
he holds up his hands in a "stop" signal.

MELVIN
Well, ah... that's a personal
question.

CAROL
Tell me even if you're scared. Tell
me why you wanted me here. It's
okay.

She kisses him again.

CAROL
If you ask me... I'll say, "yes."

MELVIN
(dissembling)
There are lots of reason... I had a
thought that if you had sex with
Simon it might...

CAROL
(humiliated)
Sex with Simon?

MELVIN
It's one idea...

CAROL
That's why you brought me? Look at
me! Is that really why you brought
me... Like I'm a what and I owe you
what?!

MELVIN
I don't know why I brought you --
that idea occurred to me is all...
It came out first... Hey, you kiss
him -- me... He says he loves you.
You two hit it off. But you don't
want to... fine... Forget what I
said about sex with Simon. It was a
mistake.

CAROL
(wiping away tears)
I'll never forget you said it.
87.


MELVIN
It was a mistake.

But she has already turned away and exits the restaurant...
Melvin alone and miserable.
Genres: ["Romance","Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Melvin and Carol go on a dinner date, but Melvin's social ineptitude leaves Carol embarrassed and humiliated.
Strengths
  • Realistic and relatable dialogue
  • Emotionally impactful scene
Weaknesses
  • Lack of subtlety in Melvin's social ineptitude

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9


Story Content

Concept: 8

Plot: 8

Originality: 7

The scene has a fresh and authentic approach to romantic drama, with flawed characters struggling to connect and communicate. The dialogue is realistic and the actions of the characters feel true to life.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Character Changes: 9

Internal Goal: 10

Melvin's internal goal is to be a better man. He wants to prove to Carol that he can change and deserves her love.

External Goal: 9

Melvin's external goal is to find a way to make Carol stay and hear him out about his true intentions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

Opposition: 0

High Stakes: 8

Story Forward: 8

Unpredictability: 0

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict is between Melvin's old selfish ways and his newfound desire to be a better man. He struggles to break free from his past self and prove his worth to Carol.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 11

Dialogue: 9

Engagement: 9

The scene is engaging because of the underlying tension and emotional stakes between the characters, as well as the well-written dialogue and natural performances.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional impact through naturalistic performances and insightful dialogue cues.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 10

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear descriptions and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a romantic drama, with the two characters starting out at odds, overcoming conflict, and coming together in the end.


Critique The scene has good pacing and tension between the characters, but there are a few elements that could use improvement. Firstly, the beginning interaction between Melvin and the new valet seems unnecessary and doesn't add anything to the scene. The conversation about hard shells feels like filler and doesn't contribute to the plot or character development.

Additionally, the dialogue after Melvin compliments Carol feels stilted and forced. The sudden shift from a tender moment to discussing sex with Simon feels abrupt and out of place. It could benefit from a more natural transition or a little more build-up.

Overall, the scene is well-constructed and has some good emotional beats, but could use some tweaking to make it more fluid and believable.
Suggestions There are a few ways that this scene could be improved to make it stronger:

1. Increase the tension: There's not much tension or conflict in this scene. Melvin and Carol are getting along quite well until Melvin drops the bomb about Simon. To make the scene more interesting, try adding some tension or conflict earlier on. Perhaps Melvin is nervous and stumbling over his words, or Carol is late and Melvin is getting frustrated.

2. Show, don't tell: When Melvin tells Carol that she makes him want to be a better man, it's a great moment. But it would be even more powerful if we saw evidence of this throughout the scene. Maybe Melvin is more patient or kind than he usually is, or he goes out of his way to do something nice for Carol.

3. Make Carol more active: Carol is mostly passive in this scene, reacting to what Melvin says and does. To make her a more interesting character, give her more agency. Maybe she challenges Melvin or takes the lead in their conversation. Or she could have her own agenda that Melvin isn't aware of.

4. Cut down on the dialogue: There are a lot of lines in this scene that could be trimmed or cut altogether. A leaner scene would be more effective, with fewer words carrying more weight. Consider which lines are essential to the scene and which can be eliminated.



Scene 27 - Vulnerability Revealed
104 INT. SIMON'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT 104

He finishes dialing. He is extremely tense -- not breathing -
- a lump in his throat -- trying not to let the anxiety
immobilize him... the NUMBER RINGS twice, then a humorless
male voice:

PARENTS' VOICE
(humorless male voice)
Hi. This is Fred Bishop...
(perky woman's voice)
... and Betty.
(Fred again)
We are sorry to be unable to take
your call right now. Please leave a
message and we'd appreciate your
including the time/date and purpose
of your call.
(Simon mouths the word
"date," then Betty speaks
before the beep Bye-bye.

SIMON
Ah, this is Simon... I'm here in
town...
(he waits)
... and, folks, you haven't come
home later than 10 in your lives.
Please pick up -- really... Okay...
I'm going to call again in the
morning. I need to see you. Or, at
least get you to answer the phone.

He hangs up. His parents want no part of him and he needs
help.

105 INT. HOTEL SUITE - CAROL'S ROOM - NIGHT 105

As Carol enters with some energy. We FOLLOW her as she goes
into her room -- takes her suitcase, begins throwing things
in.

106 INT. HOTEL SUITE - SIMON'S ROOM - NIGHT 106

SIMON
Hello... Hello???

Carol thrusts open the door and enters...
88.


SIMON
Was this supposed to be your room?

CAROL
Our room. I don't want to see him
and he's not going to come knocking
on your door.

Simon struggles with his shirt -- she helps him,
inadvertently venting some anger as she does so.

SIMON
Can you not be violent?

CAROL
I don't think so. You need help
with the pants?

SIMON
(emphatically)
No!!!

CAROL
I'm going to take a big bath and
order a big meal.

SIMON
Uh-huh...

CAROL
I'm sorry... are you okay?

SIMON
Well, considering everything's
horrible and tomorrow I have to
face my parents... Don't ask me ...
I'm sick of my own complaints ...
got to get me a new set of
thoughts.

CAROL
Why? What have you been thinking
about?

SIMON
How to die, mostly.

CAROL
Can you believe in our little mix
you're the good roommate.

Simon laughs -- as she crosses to the bathroom and begins to
prepare a bath.
89.


SIMON
(turning off the light)
Good night.

CAROL
Good night.

We are ON Simon settling in for sleep, when instinct or
sounds or the faint glow of hope turns him so that he faces
the bathroom and we have...

SIMON'S POV
Carol sitting at tub's edge -- a
towel around her and now as Simon
looks at the bathing beauty she
adjusts her hair -- the towel falls
-- a better than perfect breast
exposed...

BACK TO SCENE

SIMON
(a whisper)
Hold it.

He leaves the bed.

107 ANGLES ON HOTEL DESK 107

What's he up to... he takes the blotter from the desk set
and a pen from his jacket pocket which hangs on the chair
and with vigor and faint pain moves to the other side of the
bed where he turns on the light and stares at Carol.

SIMON
I've got to sketch you.

CAROL
No... Absolutely not. I'm shyer
than you think. I give the wrong
impression sometimes and...

SIMON
I haven't even been thinking about
sketching for weeks.

CAROL
Stop staring. Do a vase.

SIMON
But you're beautiful... your skin
glows.
90.


CAROL
Thanks. But I just want to take a
bath and...

SIMON
That long neck -- the line of
you... you're porcelain... your
back goes on forever. You're
classic... you're why cavemen
chiseled on walls...

CAROL
All right, cut me a break.

Simon's pen moves across the blotter -- Carol sees him
earnestly engrossed, a beat of indecision and then shyly but
deliberately she lowers the towel. He's right. She's
breathtaking.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Simon confesses his struggles with his parents to an unenthused Carol. Carol prepares to take a bath while Simon is in the confines of his own thoughts. Simon is intrigued by Carol's beauty while she bathes and he sketches her.
Strengths
  • Tension between Simon and Carol is palpable
  • Scene reveals the vulnerability behind both Simon and Carol's characters
  • Simon's sketching of Carol is a m