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Scene 1 -  Invasion and Interrogation
EXT. ESTABLISHING SHOT: 1942 NOVOROSSIYSK, HARBOR, RUSSIA.
DAY



KLARISA ANANIAN V.O.
I remember the day the Germans
came, it was in the summer of 1942.
We lived near a harbor in
Navorossiysk. Me and my friends
were playing outside when we saw
the Nazi trucks coming, dozens of
them....


The serenity of the early morning is shattered as caravans of
German military trucks and tanks, symbols of impending doom,
make their descent. They navigate the curvy mountain roads
with a mechanical precision, an iron serpent winding its way
into the heart of the harbor city. The ominous rumble of
engines echoes against the stone, a harbinger of the turmoil
to come.


INT. SMALL ONE-ROOM STRUCTURE - DAY

In stark contrast to the cold metal intruding upon the city,
a small structure stands, its walls pieced together from
salvaged wood, a testament to resilience in the face of
adversity. Within, the air is warm, filled with the scent of
fish cooking, a simple yet profound act of defiance against
the encroaching darkness.

KLARISA ANANIAN, eight years of vibrant life wrapped in a
frame too skinny and awkward for her boundless energy, moves
within this humble abode. Her eyes, wide with curiosity and
unmarred by the world outside, sparkle with an innocence that
belies the shadow looming over her city.

Her mother, ANNA, with beauty untouched by their harsh
circumstances, moves with a grace that lights up their
cramped space. Blue eyes reflecting the sky they wish were
peaceful, she serves a meager meal of fish and bread, each
motion infused with love, a silent promise of protection.

ASHOT, in the prime of his life, his muscular build a stark
reminder of the strength required to survive these times,
sits with them. Hunger drives him to eat quickly, yet his
presence is a pillar of strength for his family, a rock
amidst the storm that gathers outside their door.
2.


In this small room, amidst the simplicity of their meal, lies
the heart of a family determined to weather the storm, their
love a beacon of hope as the world outside braces for the
inevitable.

ASHOT
The shoe factory laid off a hundred
workers today, Armen and I are
going to work on the fishing boats.
We have no choice.

His explanation is interrupted by the cries of his toddler
son EDDIE. Anna leans down and adjusts the bedding inside a
makeshift cardboard bed. Eddie’s CRIES are interrupted by a
loud POUNDING on the front door. Before anyone can react, the
door is busted off it’s hinges, SS SOLDIERS abruptly enter
terrifying the family. They brutally grab Ashot and force him
out into the street. SS CAPTAIN GUNTHER HERMAN, tall, blonde,
steely blue eyes stares at Ashot and asks questions in
German.


CAPTAIN HERMAN
Do you have your identification
papers? What nationality are you?
Are you a Jew?

Ashot stares back unsure but realizes they think he is
Jewish. Tension mounts one of the SS Soldiers places a gun
barrel to Ashot’s head. Terrified he yells back in Russian.

ASHOT
I am not Jewish I am Armenian!

CAPTAIN HERMAN
You look Jewish!

Ashot pulls out his crucifix from around his neck and waves
it in front of their faces. They still don’t believe him
forcing him down on to his knees. Ashot begs them in German.

ASHOT
Please don’t kill me! I’m
Christian. I can prove it!

Captain Herman lets him get off his knee’s. Ashot quickly
pulls down his pants and shows them his uncircumcised penis.
The tension quickly subsides the guns are withdrawn and
Captain Herman starts to smile. Ashot smiles back relieved.
Captain Herman commands his soldiers.
3.


CAPTAIN HERMAN
Help his family onto the truck!

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Historical","War"]

Summary In the summer of 1942, in Novorossiysk, Russia, a family's peaceful meal is interrupted by the invasion of German military vehicles. Ashot, the father, is taken away by SS soldiers under suspicion of being Jewish. Captain Herman interrogates Ashot, who proves his Christian faith, leading to his release. The scene ends with Ashot's family being forced onto a German truck by the SS soldiers.
Strengths
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Compelling characters
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Historical authenticity
Weaknesses
  • Potentially controversial or sensitive content
  • Graphic violence

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively sets up the historical context, establishes strong emotional connections with the characters, and creates a high level of tension and suspense. The unexpected twist adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of survival, identity, and sacrifice in the face of war is compelling and well-executed. The scene effectively conveys the harsh realities of wartime while highlighting the strength and resilience of the characters.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging and well-paced, with a clear escalation of conflict and a dramatic turning point that keeps the audience invested in the story. The scene effectively advances the overall narrative and sets up future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the WWII setting by focusing on the intimate struggles of a family facing persecution. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and emotionally resonant.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and relatable, each with distinct personalities and motivations that drive their actions. The emotional depth and complexity of the characters add depth to the scene and enhance the overall impact.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant changes in this scene, particularly Ashot, who is forced to confront his identity and make a life-threatening decision. The emotional and psychological impact of these changes adds depth to the character arcs.

Internal Goal: 9

Klarisa's internal goal is to protect her family and maintain their sense of hope and unity in the face of danger and uncertainty.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to survive the Nazi occupation and protect her family from harm.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with intense conflict, both internal and external, as the characters are forced to confront their identities, beliefs, and fears in the midst of a dangerous situation. The high stakes and emotional tension drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Ashot facing a life-threatening situation and having to navigate a complex identity crisis under duress.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes in the scene, including life-threatening danger, identity crisis, and family separation, create a sense of urgency and tension that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing key conflicts, establishing character dynamics, and setting up future plot developments. The dramatic events and character revelations propel the narrative towards a new direction.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden escalation of conflict and the unexpected resolution of Ashot's identity crisis.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict is between the values of survival and integrity. Ashot must navigate the threat of being mistaken for a Jew and choose between preserving his life or his identity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, eliciting feelings of fear, love, hope, and relief. The characters' struggles and sacrifices resonate deeply, creating a powerful and memorable experience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is realistic and impactful, effectively conveying the characters' emotions, motivations, and relationships. The use of multiple languages adds authenticity and depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high emotional stakes, vivid imagery, and the relatable struggle of the characters against a powerful enemy.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptive elements that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-paced structure that effectively builds tension and emotional stakes. It transitions smoothly between external conflict and internal character moments.


Critique
  • The scene sets a tense and dramatic tone with the arrival of the German soldiers, creating a sense of impending danger and fear.
  • The family dynamics and relationships are well-established, showing the love and unity within the family despite the harsh circumstances.
  • The use of symbolism, such as the crucifix as a symbol of Ashot's faith and identity, adds depth to the scene.
  • The dialogue and actions of the characters effectively convey the fear and desperation of the situation.
  • The scene effectively captures the contrast between the warmth and intimacy of the family setting and the cold brutality of the outside world.
  • The scene effectively sets up the conflict and establishes the stakes for the characters.
  • The use of visual and sensory details helps to immerse the reader in the setting and atmosphere of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts and emotions for the characters to deepen their characterization and provide insight into their motivations.
  • Explore the historical context further to add layers of complexity and authenticity to the scene.
  • Consider incorporating more sensory details to enhance the reader's immersion in the scene.
  • Ensure that the dialogue is authentic to the time period and the characters' backgrounds.
  • Consider adding more description of the setting to create a vivid and immersive visual experience for the reader.



Scene 2 -  The Occupation
EXT. LARGE ORNATE ESTATE OVERLOOKING THE MAIN HARBOR. DAY

The tranquility of the morning shatters as the ominous rumble
of engines signals the arrival of a caravan of German
military trucks, their presence a dark harbinger at the
doorstep of what was once a sanctuary. The entrance, now
marred by the word "JUDEN" emblazoned in stark red letters,
stands as a grim testament to the horror that has unfolded.

The threshold of the home, a place once filled with laughter
and love, now bears witness to an unspeakable tragedy. The
Resident Family, a husband, wife, and their two young
children, lie in a grotesque tableau of violence, their
bodies mutilated, splayed on the ground in haunting
stillness, their lifeblood pooling around them, a stark
contrast to the life they once represented.

In a scene of chilling efficiency, soldiers swarm the area,
their movements brisk and detached as they escort Anna,
Klarisa, and the baby into the home, their fates uncertain,
their fear palpable in the tense air.

Ashot, his heart heavy with dread, finds his path barred by
an SS Soldier. The soldier, embodiment of the regime's
ruthless ideology, stands impassive, his eyes cold. With a
cruel gesture, he uses his rifle to signal Ashot, commanding
him to partake in the grim task of loading the dead bodies
onto the truck.

The weight of the rifle's barrel, a silent yet eloquent
command, leaves Ashot with no choice but to comply, forcing
him into a role that defies his every belief. Each step
towards fulfilling this ghastly duty is a betrayal of his
soul, a moment that will haunt him forever in the silent
watches of the night.


INT. ORNATE ESTATE HOME. DAY

The home is lavishly decorated and contains the trappings of
a very affluent family. A group of FIVE SS OFFICERS have
started to set up headquarters. Captain Herman enters they
all stop to salute him.

OFFICERS
Hail Hitler!
4.


CAPTAIN HERMAN
Hail Hitler!

Captain Herman turns to SERGEANT HANS GURLING, stocky, with a
pit bull face.

CAPTAIN HERMAN (CONT’D)
Take the woman and baby into the
kitchen and have her prepare supper
for us. Have Officer Luxembourg and
the child remove the family
portraits from the walls.

SERGEANT GURLING
Yes Commandant immediately!
He grabs an empty box and hands it to OFFICER LUXENBOURG
tall, dark hair, dark eyes, more benignant than the other
officers.

OFFICER LUXEMBOURG
Ok sweetheart follow me.

Luxembourg heads towards the stairwell and begins to remove
the family portraits from the walls. One by one he hands them
to Klarisa as she carefully places them into the box. Another
Officer rushes in and hands Klarisa a picture of Hitler. He
points to an empty spot on the wall.

OFFICER

Hang this right there!

Klarisa fumbles trying to hang the picture. He leans in and
helps her.

FADE TO BLACK.


EXT. NOVOROSSIYSK HARBOR CITY CENTER. DAY
GERMAN SOLDIERS are herding the CITIZENS onto large military
trucks. Many REFUGEES with different colored triangles sewed
into their clothing are forced onto the trucks. Ahshot and
his muscular friend ARMEN are standing near a truck
overloaded with REFUGEES marked with the Star of David.
Captain Herman and his officers keep a keen eye on the
operation. An OLD MAN on one of the trucks is frustrated he
rebels and starts a skirmish disrupting the cramped
occupants. Captain Herman signals a soldier to kill the man.
A soldier violently pulls the old man out and shoots him in
the head. Sergeant Gurling looks over to Ashot and Armen.
5.


SERGEANT GURLING
Schnell!

Ashot and Armen run over and move the body to a nearby ditch.

ARMEN
God help us!

ASHOT
(In Armenian)
You know they are going to kill all
these people on the truck. Where is
God?

FADE TO:


INT. ORNATE ESTATE HOME. NIGHT

Ashot and Anna are staying in the servants’ room adjacent to
the children’s bedroom. Ashot plays a very somber tune on
his mandolin. They have all their belongings packed into a
suitcase and a couple of pillowcases. Anna serves her husband
some tea from an old copper kettle with a spoon attached by
wire. The spoon CLANGS against kettle as she pours him a cup.

ANNA
(Yells toward the bedroom)
Klarisa, come here!


INT. CHILDREN’S BEDROOM. NIGHT

The room is expertly kept, beds made up with toys and dolls
placed neatly throughout the room. Klarisa sits on the bed
playing with a rag doll she found in the room. She gets up
and heads towards her parents.

CUT TO:


INT. SERVANTS’ ROOM NIGHT.


KLARISA
(Excited)
Mama, look, can I keep it?

Anna holds little Eddie in her arms.

ANNA
Ashot, play something happy!
6.


Ashot stops playing and gestures Klarisa to come over he
brings her close and gives her a loving hug.

ASHOT
Yes, you can keep it!

Her eyes gleam with joy as Ashot breaks out a lively dance
tune.

The family moment is again interrupted by the high pitch
SQUEAL of truck brakes. Ashot puts down the mandolin and
looks out the window.

ASHOT (CONT’D)
They’re back! Klarisa go to the
room. We need to rest SERGEANT
Gurling said we are leaving for
Warsaw early tomorrow.

FADE OUT.
Genres: ["Drama","War"]

Summary The scene unfolds in the wake of a brutal massacre at a lavish estate, where the Resident Family lies dead. German soldiers take over the estate, imposing their authority through violence and intimidation. Captain Herman orders his soldiers to prepare for their stay, forcing Klarisa to hang a portrait of Hitler while removing family portraits. Meanwhile, at the harbor, citizens are being forcibly deported, including refugees marked with the Star of David. Ashot and Armen witness the brutal killing of an old man who resists deportation. Despite the looming danger, Ashot and Anna try to find solace in music and create a semblance of normalcy for their family. The scene ends with the ominous return of the soldiers, leaving the characters facing an uncertain future.
Strengths
  • Emotional impact
  • Character development
  • Tension building
  • Setting establishment
Weaknesses
  • Possible graphic violence
  • Depiction of sensitive historical events

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is powerful and emotionally impactful, effectively setting the tone for the rest of the story. The tension and tragedy are palpable, drawing the audience in and creating a sense of unease and dread.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene, focusing on the invasion of a family's home by German soldiers during World War II, is well-executed and sets up the central conflict and themes of the screenplay. The scene effectively establishes the stakes and the harsh realities of war.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is driven by the conflict between the family and the German soldiers, as well as the internal struggle of Ashot as he is forced to comply with the soldiers' orders. The plot moves the story forward and sets up important character dynamics.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the familiar theme of World War II atrocities, with authentic character actions and dialogue that evoke a sense of authenticity and realism.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are clearly conveyed. Ashot's internal conflict and the fear and resilience of Anna and Klarisa add depth to the scene. The SS officers are portrayed as cold and ruthless, adding to the tension.

Character Changes: 8

Ashot undergoes a significant character change as he is forced to confront the harsh realities of war and make difficult choices to protect his family. The scene sets up a compelling character arc for Ashot as he grapples with his sense of duty and morality.

Internal Goal: 9

Ashot's internal goal in this scene is to reconcile his beliefs and values with the brutal reality of the regime he is forced to comply with. His deeper needs, fears, and desires are challenged as he is pushed to betray his soul and participate in horrific tasks.

External Goal: 8

Ashot's external goal is to survive and protect his family in the face of the oppressive regime and imminent danger. His actions and dialogue reflect the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving external conflict between the family and the German soldiers, as well as internal conflict within Ashot as he is forced to comply with the soldiers' orders. The high stakes and emotional impact of the conflict drive the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing difficult moral choices, oppressive forces, and unpredictable outcomes that challenge their beliefs and values.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the family's survival and well-being at risk. The threat of violence and the oppressive presence of the German soldiers create a sense of urgency and danger, raising the stakes for the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by establishing the central conflict, introducing key characters, and setting up important plot points. The events of the scene have a lasting impact on the characters and drive the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists, moral choices, and character actions that keep the audience on edge and unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between Ashot's moral compass and the ruthless ideology of the German soldiers. This challenges his beliefs, values, and worldview, forcing him to confront the atrocities around him.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of fear, sadness, and hopelessness in the audience. The tragic events and the characters' struggles resonate on a deep emotional level, drawing the audience into the story.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and the power dynamics at play. The interactions between the characters reveal their relationships and the harsh realities of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional stakes, moral dilemmas, and character dynamics that draw the audience into the harrowing world of the characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension, conveys the emotional weight of the situation, and maintains a sense of urgency that propels the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue that enhance the visual and emotional impact of the story.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension, conveys the setting, and develops the characters' internal and external conflicts in a coherent and engaging manner.


Critique
  • The scene effectively sets a dark and foreboding tone with the arrival of the German military trucks and the desecration of the once peaceful estate.
  • The visual descriptions vividly paint a picture of the tragic aftermath of the massacre and the cold efficiency of the SS soldiers.
  • The dialogue between the officers and the actions they take convey the brutality and dehumanization of the victims.
  • The transition from the family's intimate moment to the chaos and horror outside is well executed, creating a stark contrast.
  • The scene effectively builds tension and sets up the dire circumstances the family is facing.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more emotional depth to the characters, especially Ashot and Anna, to further engage the audience with their plight.
  • Explore the internal struggles and conflicts within the characters as they navigate the harrowing situation, adding layers to their motivations and actions.
  • Enhance the sensory details to immerse the audience in the scene, such as sounds of chaos, smells of fear, and the visual impact of the atrocities.
  • Consider incorporating more subtle moments of resistance or resilience from the characters to showcase their strength and humanity in the face of adversity.
  • Ensure a balance between the external events unfolding and the internal emotional journey of the characters to create a compelling and impactful scene.



Scene 3 -  The Separation
EXT. ORNATE ESTATE HOME. DAY

The SS officers are packing up their cars and trucks and are
getting ready to move out. Ashot loads his family and
belongings into the back of the truck. We hear the CLANGING
from the tea kettle as he loads the last bag. Inside the
truck bed Klarisa cries snuggling up to her mother and
clutching the rag doll. Anna hugs her daughter.

ANNA
Remember whatever happens the
Virgin Mary will protect you.

KLARISA
I know Mama.

FADE TO:

EXT. WARSAW POLAND A SUB STATION ADJACENT TO THE PASSENGER
TRAIN TERMINAL. DAY

A couple of small run-down buildings used to keep track of
livestock coming through the cargo terminal are now manned by
Nazi officers. Dozens of military trucks pull up and drop
off REFUGEES slated to be transported to labor camps.
Hundreds of families of different descents line up and wait
to be shipped out on arriving cattle cars. Ashot and his
family are in line waiting with their belongings. Ashot steps
away to survey the situation and find a clean place for his
family. Ashot scans the row of cattle cars. A few moments
pass and he returns to rush them on the train.
7.


ASHOT
Come on I found a clean place
follow me!

He grabs a suitcase and realizes he needs to do two loads.

ASHOT (CONT’D)
Klarisa stay right here, I’m going
to take mamma and the baby. I’ll be
right back, Ok sweetheart?

KLARISA
Okay Papa!

Ashot secures his Wife and Baby on the train and turns to
retrieve Klarisa. People begin to push and shove as the
soldiers command them onto the train. Ashot fights to exit
the cattle car. A SOLDIER spots him trying to get off.

SOLDIER
Hey, you get back on the train!

Ashot continues to exit heading for Klarisa. The soldier
raises his rifle.

ASHOT
I have to get my daughter she’s
right there!

The soldier fires a warning shot above his head.

SOLDIER
Everyone on the train now!

In a moment frozen in time, the soldier's gun, an instrument
of dread and command, is aimed directly at Ashot's head. The
air, thick with tension and unspoken fears, vibrates with the
gravity of the moment. Ashot, caught in the crosshairs of
fate, is rendered motionless, his body rigid with shock, his
mind reeling from the swift turn of events.
With a profound sense of desperation and disbelief, he turns,
his gaze seeking Klarisa one last time, a silent plea passing
between them. Klarisa, her confusion giving way to the
dawning realization of the horror unfolding before her, meets
his gaze. The connection, a fragile thread in the face of
impending separation, is palpable.

The world seems to hold its breath as the train, indifferent
to the human drama unfolding, begins its slow departure. The
sound of metal against metal, the hiss of steam, and the
gradual increase in speed become the harbingers of an
inevitable parting.
8.


Klarisa's confusion transforms into terror, her tears a
silent testament to the fear and loss that grip her heart.
Her scream, piercing the air, is a raw expression of her
anguish, a call to a world that seems to have turned its back
on them. It's a sound that echoes the pain of countless
others caught in the merciless gears of history, a cry that
transcends the confines of their immediate tragedy, reaching
out into the void, a testament to love, loss, and the
unyielding cruelty of war.

KLARISA
Mama! Papa! Come back, don’t leave
me!

She clutches the rag doll sobbing as she watches the train
leave the station.

ASHOT
(Yelling)
I’m going to come and get you!

Anna panics she screams in horror.

ANNA
Stop the train, my daughter!

Ashot hugs Anna, tears well up in his eyes.

ASHOT
I’m going to find her! I know it.

FADE TO BLACK.
Genres: ["Drama","Historical","War"]

Summary In the chaos of a Warsaw train station, Ashot and his family are forcibly packed onto a train bound for a labor camp. As the train fills with desperate refugees, Ashot becomes separated from his daughter Klarisa. He frantically tries to reach her but is stopped by a soldier who fires a warning shot. The train departs, carrying Klarisa away, leaving Ashot heartbroken and alone, watching his family disappear into the distance.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Realistic portrayal of wartime struggles
Weaknesses
  • Potential for more character development
  • Dialogue could be more nuanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally impactful, well-paced, and effectively conveys the high stakes and tension of the situation.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of family separation during wartime is a powerful and universal theme that resonates with audiences.

Plot: 9

The plot is driven by the intense conflict and the characters' struggle to stay together, creating a compelling narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the horrors of war and the human cost of conflict, with authentic character actions and dialogue that resonate with the audience.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their emotions are palpable, but there could be more depth to their individual arcs.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo a significant emotional change as they are forcibly separated, but there could be more exploration of their internal growth.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect his daughter and keep his family together in the face of imminent danger. This reflects his deep desire for safety and security amidst chaos and uncertainty.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to reunite with his daughter after being separated during the chaos of boarding the train. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of navigating through a dangerous and chaotic situation to find his loved one.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters' desire to stay together and the external forces separating them creates a high level of tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing difficult obstacles and the threat of separation from his daughter, creating a sense of urgency and suspense.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high as the characters face the possibility of permanent separation and the harsh realities of wartime atrocities.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by depicting a crucial moment in the characters' journey and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden turn of events and the unexpected obstacles that the protagonist faces in his quest to find his daughter.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between the protagonist's belief in protecting his family at all costs and the harsh reality of war and oppression that threatens to tear them apart. This challenges his values of love and sacrifice in the face of overwhelming odds.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, eliciting feelings of sadness, fear, and empathy.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, adding to the overall tension of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional stakes, dramatic tension, and the audience's investment in the protagonist's struggle to reunite with his daughter.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, drawing the audience into the protagonist's emotional journey and the unfolding drama.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue that enhance the emotional impact of the narrative.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively building tension and drama through the protagonist's actions and the unfolding events.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys the sense of urgency and desperation as Ashot tries to reunite with his daughter Klarisa before the train leaves.
  • The tension and emotional turmoil experienced by the characters are palpable, especially through the dialogue and actions of Ashot, Anna, and Klarisa.
  • The use of visual and auditory cues, such as the CLANGING from the tea kettle and the warning shot fired by the soldier, adds to the intensity of the scene.
  • The inner thoughts and emotions of the characters are effectively portrayed, particularly through Klarisa's fear and Ashot's determination to find her.
  • The scene captures the heartbreaking moment of separation between Ashot and Klarisa, highlighting the devastating impact of war on families.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more descriptive language to enhance the setting and atmosphere of the scene, providing a richer visual experience for the audience.
  • Explore the internal struggles and conflicts faced by each character in more depth, delving into their fears, hopes, and motivations to create a more nuanced portrayal of their emotions.
  • Work on refining the dialogue to make it more authentic and impactful, ensuring that each character's voice is distinct and reflective of their personality.
  • Consider incorporating sensory details to evoke a stronger emotional response from the audience, such as the sounds of the train departing or the sights and smells of the train station.
  • Focus on building the suspense and tension leading up to the moment of separation, heightening the emotional impact of the scene and drawing the audience further into the characters' plight.



Scene 4 -  The Road to Auschwitz
EXT. WARSAW POLAND. A SUB STATION ADJACENT TO THE PASSENGER
TRAIN TERMINAL. NIGHT

Hours have gone by, the train station is empty. Klarisa sits
on a bench surrounded by the remainder of her family’s
belongings. In the distance she hears the RUMBLE of more
military trucks nearing the station. As the trucks roll in we
notice they are packed with REFUGEES marked with Stars of
David or different colored triangles sewed into their
clothing. The station begins to get crowded as people are
unloaded and herded onto the arriving trains. A young woman
notices Klarisa alone and sobbing. ELLA BERNSTEIN, Elegant,
29 years old, Red hair, green eyes, milk white skin. A bright
white star is sewed into her expensive sweater.

ELLA
Where are your parents? Why are you
here alone?
9.


KLARISA
(Whimpers)
I don’t know. The soldiers took
them away on a train and left me
here. Are you the Virgin Mary?



ELLA
No, sweetie. My name is Ella
Bernstein. You can stay with me
until we find your parents.



KLARISA
(Sobbing)
Thank you.

Ella reaches into her dress pocket and pulls out a piece of
chocolate.

ELLA
You must be hungry. Here, have some
candy.

Famished Klarisa quickly eats the candy.

ELLA (CONT’D)
Is this all your stuff? I don’t
think we can carry it all.

The soldiers begin to usher people onto the train cars.

ELLA (CONT’D)
We have to hurry sweetie, just get
your clothes and what you need, the
rest has to stay.

The crowd is now being forced to hurry. Klarisa places a few
items in her pillowcase, she grabs hold of the rag doll. The
crowd swarms as Klarisa and Ella are swallowed up by the
multitude of prisoners.



CUT TO:
10.


INT. BARRACKS MONOWITZ CONCENTRATION CAMP 85 MILES AWAY FROM
AUSCHWITZ. NIGHT

Inside the cold and overcrowded barracks Ashot wanders
around. He approaches different MEN asking where the trains
in Warsaw were going. He approaches an OLDER GENTLEMAN.

ASHOT
I was told you worked at the Warsaw
station?

OLDER GENTELMAN
Yes, for three months.

ASHOT
My daughter was separated from us
at the Sub station.

OLDER GENTELMAN
What time did you get to the
station?

ASHOT
Nine am.

The old man’s eyes glaze over.

OLDER GENTELMAN
More than likely she got mixed up
with the Jews. I’m sorry to say she
was taken to Auschwitz for
extermination.

If you are going to find her, you
must leave soon. They won’t kill
her without a tattoo. But she could
starve to death.

ASHOT
(Overwhelmed)
How am I going to get there?

OLDER GENTELMAN
Once a week the Gestapo come
through looking for workers to go
to Auschwitz, you must volunteer.

FADE OUT.


EXT. MONOWITZ CONCENTRATION CAMP. DAY

Ashot and Anna meet at a barbed wire fence separating the men
and women’s barracks.
11.


ASHOT
Are they feeding you?

ANNA
They have us working in the fields,
so it’s oranges for breakfast and
potatoes for dinner.

ASHOT
I found out Klarisa is in Auschwitz
I have to get her out of there.

Anna starts to sob.

ANNA
Please find her, bring my baby back
to me. Please God help us!

Ashot is angry and frustrated.

ASHOT
I don’t think God cares but don’t
worry somehow I’ll find her and
bring her back.

ANNA
Don’t say that! You’re alive
because I pray for you.

One of the camp guards spots Ashot talking to Anna, he yells
loudly from across the field.

GUARD
Hey you! Get back over here!

ASHOT
I better go, take care of my son. I
will be back.

Anna, crying now makes the sign of the cross.

FADE TO BLACK.


INT. MENS BARRACKS MONOWITZ CONCENTRATION CAMP. DAY

The barrack door SLAMS open we hear the SOUND of Gestapo
boots on the floorboards as they abruptly enter the room.
Ashot quickly wakes up and puts on his shoes. He reaches into
his pillowcase and pulls out a golden medallion kissing it
and placing it around his neck. GESTAPO COMMANDANT MULLER
Evil incarnate, leads three of his SOLDIERS into the
barracks.
12.


COMMANDANT MULLER
Achtung!! We need five strong men,
everyone stand up, please!

The soldiers quickly move around the barracks making sure the
thirty or so men are all standing. Ashot stands at attention
flexing his muscles. COMMANDANT Muller, inspecting the men,
makes his way to Ashot.

ASHOT
(Meekly)
I’ll go.

Commandant Muller turns and looks surprised.

COMMANDANT MULLER
What did you say?

ASHOT
I will go.

Commandant Muller smiles amused by his courage.

COMMANDANT MULLER
Did you hear that boys he wants to
help us!

The Soldiers all smile they can’t believe it, no one ever
wants to go.

COMMANDANT MULLER (CONT’D)
Well, alright then.

Commandant Muller points at Ashot and FOUR OTHER MEN.

COMMANDANT MULLER (CONT’D)
You, you, you and you come with us.

Ashot grabs his belongings and follows them out.

CUT TO:

AUSCHWITZ EXTERMINATION CAMP. DAY

Commandant Muller, accompanied by GESTAPO OFFICERS, cruises
along the camp's perimeter in his open-top Mercedes sedan,
escorted by two military trucks loaded with LABORERS. The
grim reality of the camp looms in the distance. Surrounded by
barbed wire, the large field is overshadowed by towering
smokestacks belching dark smoke from the massive ovens.
Ashot, glimpsing the horrific sight, exchanges a look of
sheer terror with a fellow LABORER.
13.


ASHOT
Do you smell that? It’s the smell
of burning flesh.

As they draw nearer, the grisly operations within the camp
become painfully visible. Workers, emaciated and hollow-eyed,
shuttle between the gas chambers and the ovens, carting the
remains of those who perished. The acrid stench of death
permeates the air, overwhelming the laborers packed into the
back of the trucks. Many are sickened; some vomit, while
others cover their faces with whatever fabric they can find
to block out the unbearable smell.

The convoy halts a safe distance from the ovens. Commandant
Muller and his entourage veer off, making their way toward
the main entrance of the camp, leaving a chilling sense of
authority in their wake.

Meanwhile, soldiers don surgical masks and dismount from the
trucks, their weapons at the ready. Officer Shultz, a bulky
man with a brutish demeanor, takes charge, barking orders and
orchestrating the grim ballet of death and survival that
unfolds before them.

OFFICER SHULTZ
Everyone out of the truck! Schnell!

The prisoners are terrified, no one moves. The soldier fires
a warning shot. The men quickly exit the truck bed a few
still refuse. The soldier walks up and shoots one of them in
the head.

OFFICER SHULTZ (CONT’D)
Anyone else want to stay on the
truck?

The stragglers quickly exit. Ashot and a few others stand at
attention. In the distance, we see a MASKED, ARMED SOLDIER in
a gray uniform. He supervises the other laborers moving the
dead bodies. Officer Shultz signals for the man in the gray
uniform.
OFFICER SHULTZ (CONT’D)
You see the man in the gray uniform
you report to him! Go to him now
Schnell!

The men slowly begin to make their way towards the gas
chambers.

CUT TO:
14.
Genres: ["Historical Drama","War"]

Summary Ashot, desperately searching for his daughter Klarisa, learns she was likely sent to Auschwitz. Driven by hope, he volunteers for a dangerous transfer to the camp, despite knowing the grim reality of its purpose. Witnessing the chilling sight of the gas chambers and ovens upon arrival, Ashot and the other prisoners are met with the brutal authority of the guards, their fate hanging in the balance.
Strengths
  • Emotional impact
  • Realistic portrayal of historical events
  • Tension and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Some scenes may be too intense for sensitive viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally impactful, effectively conveying the horrors of the Holocaust and the characters' desperation. The tension and fear are palpable throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of survival, loss, and the search for family in the midst of a concentration camp setting is powerful and well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot is intense and gripping, focusing on the characters' struggles and the harsh realities they face in the concentration camp.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the familiar theme of World War II and the Holocaust, focusing on individual stories of survival and resilience. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their emotions are raw and authentic, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional turmoil and desperation, showing a change in their outlook and behavior.

Internal Goal: 8

Klarisa's internal goal is to find her parents and reunite with them. This reflects her deeper need for security, love, and family connection.

External Goal: 9

Klarisa's external goal is to survive and escape the dangerous situation she is in, first at the train station and later at the concentration camp.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and high-stakes, with the characters facing life-threatening situations and emotional turmoil.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing life-threatening situations and moral dilemmas that add complexity to the story.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high, with the characters facing life-and-death situations and the desperate search for loved ones.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by showcasing the characters' struggles and the harsh realities of the concentration camp.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' fates, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between hope and despair, faith and doubt. Klarisa's belief in the Virgin Mary and Ella's kindness contrasts with the harsh reality of the war and the atrocities being committed.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions of sadness, fear, and despair, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and conveys the characters' emotions effectively, but could benefit from more depth and complexity.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, high stakes, and the audience's investment in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journeys.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys the chaos and desperation of the situation, with Klarisa being separated from her family and left alone at the train station.
  • The introduction of Ella Bernstein adds a compassionate and caring character to the scene, providing comfort to Klarisa in her time of need.
  • The visual descriptions of the crowded train station, the marked refugees, and the hurried evacuation create a sense of urgency and danger.
  • The transition to Ashot at the Monowitz concentration camp effectively builds on the emotional weight of the scene, highlighting his determination to find his daughter.
  • The grim reality of the Auschwitz extermination camp is vividly depicted, with the sights and smells adding to the horror and despair of the situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for Klarisa to further develop her character and the impact of being separated from her family.
  • Explore the dynamic between Ella and Klarisa further to deepen their relationship and provide more depth to their interactions.
  • Enhance the sensory details to immerse the audience in the setting and evoke a stronger emotional response.
  • Ensure a smooth transition between the different locations and characters to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • Consider incorporating more dialogue or interactions between the characters to reveal their motivations and relationships.



Scene 5 -  Hope in the Face of Despair
INT. AUSCHWITZ CONCENTRATION CAMP WOMEN’S BARRACKS. NIGHT

In the bleak and desolate expanse of the barracks, Klarisa
and Ella find themselves sequestered in a small oasis of
warmth amidst the cold harshness that surrounds them. Huddled
together on the unforgiving floor, they are bundled up in one
of the dimly lit corners, their bodies close, sharing what
little heat they can muster between them.

This makeshift refuge, sparse and uninviting though it may
be, becomes a haven for the two girls. Their proximity, a
silent testament to their bond, speaks of resilience, of
finding comfort in the presence of another soul amidst the
overwhelming despair of their circumstances.

In this corner, a flicker of human spirit endures, a quiet
defiance against the dehumanizing cold of the barracks.
Klarisa and Ella, though physically confined, hold onto a
sense of togetherness, a connection that offers a semblance
of solace and warmth in a place designed to extinguish such
sparks of humanity.

ELLA
Are you hungry sweetie?

Klarisa meekly nods yes.

ELLA (CONT’D)
I’m going to give you some bread
but don’t let anyone see you eat
it, understand?

Klarisa nods again. Ella slowly reaches into her coat pocket
and hands Klarisa a small piece of bread. Klarisa turns
facing the wall and quickly chews the stale bread. A few of
the women in the barrack begin to hum a Yiddish folk tune. We
hear a hand accordion begin to play the melody as the women
begin to sing in unison. Ella stands up and in a beautiful
commanding voice takes the lead. The mood in the barracks
changes bringing a little tranquility to the unbearable
situation. Klarisa looks up to Ella in awe as she crescendos
through the lyrics. The barrack door slams open Officer
Shultz enters accompanied by another soldier. The women stop
singing. Officer Shultz approaches Ella.

OFFICER SHULTZ
Ella Bernstein, come with me !

Klarisa grabs her dress trying to stop her from leaving.

ELLA
It’s alright sweetie I will be
right back.
15.


Klarisa starts to cry but releases her grasp. Ella is lead
away as the door slams shut behind them.

CUT TO:


INT. GESTAPO HEADQUARTERS AUSCHWITZ CONCENTRATION CAMP. DAY



Officer Shultz leads Ella and THREE YOUNG BLONDE GIRLS
dressed in sleepwear down the hallway towards the officers
lounge. Officer Shultz turns to address Ella. Ella’s piercing
green eyes size him up.

OFFICER SHULTZ
Fräulein Bernstein I must ask your
cooperation? Commandant Muller has
asked for your company.

Ella looks back at the three young girls

ELLA
You promise me Officer Shultz these
girls get fed and I will make your
beloved Commandant very happy!

Officer Shultz signals to his SOLDIER.

OFFICER SHULTZ
Get these girls some food!

Officer Shultz opens the door to the officers Lounge. Through
the doorway we see a GROUP OF SOLDIERS with uniforms
unbuttoned and partially disrobed. Taking shots and smoking
cigarettes the soldiers are in a very gregarious mood. They
all turn to stare at Ella and the girls.

CUT TO:


EXT. AUSCHWITZ EXTERMINATION CAMP GAS CHAMBER. DAY

Bodies, victims of the gas chambers, are heaped onto a large
cart, a grim procession from death to final disposal. Ashot,
masked and gloved for this morbid task, works alongside six
others, their movements mechanical in the face of such
horror. With dental pliers, he extracts gold caps from the
lifeless, emaciated forms before him. Each pull is a stark
reminder of the brutality of their circumstances, the gold
cap's removal a grotesque form of plunder. Silently, the cap
joins others in a small black bag at Ashot's waist.
16.


In the grim backdrop, Officer Shultz, flanked by soldiers,
makes his way towards the ovens, a sinister figure in this
dark tableau.

OFFICER SHULTZ
(Shouting)

Golden Boy!

Ashot reluctantly looks up.

ASHOT
(Under his tongue)
Son of Satan!

Ashot puts down the pliers and walks over to Shultz.

OFFICER SHULTZ
My Golden boy what do you have for
me today?

Ashot pulls down his mask and then hands Shultz the black bag
full of gold. Shultz opens the bag and smiles.

OFFICER SHULTZ (CONT’D)
Very impressive Ananian!

Ashot pulls out a black and white picture of Klarisa he hands
the picture to Shultz. Shultz glances at the picture.

OFFICER SHULTZ (CONT’D)
What’s this?

ASHOT
Please Commandant Shultz, it’s a
picture of my daughter she was
mistakenly put in the camp. Could
you please find her?

OFFICER SHULTZ
I can’t guarantee you but I will
see what I can do.

Shultz slides the picture into his coat pocket. Ashot puts on
the mask and gloves and returns to the gas chamber.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Historical","War"]

Summary In the desolate barracks of Auschwitz, women find solace in song, their fragile peace shattered when Officer Shultz snatches Ella away. He leads her and three young girls to the officers' lounge, where Ella attempts to bargain for their safety. Meanwhile, outside the gas chambers, Ashot, forced to extract gold from the dead, pleads with Shultz to find his daughter, Klarisa, who he believes was mistakenly sent to the camp. Shultz, however, shows a chilling lack of empathy, leaving both Ella and Klarisa's fates uncertain.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
  • Realistic portrayal of historical events
Weaknesses
  • Potentially triggering content
  • Graphic descriptions of violence

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally impactful, effectively conveying the harsh realities of the Holocaust while also showcasing moments of humanity and defiance. The tension and stakes are high, and the character dynamics are compelling.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of showcasing the small moments of humanity and defiance in the midst of the Holocaust is powerful and effectively executed. The scene effectively conveys the brutality and dehumanization of the concentration camp.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the search for a lost daughter, the small acts of defiance, and the grim tasks within the concentration camp. It effectively moves the story forward and adds depth to the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the Holocaust narrative by focusing on the intimate moments of connection and moral choices within the brutal environment. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the portrayal of survival and humanity.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene, particularly Klarisa and Ella, are well-developed and their bond is portrayed with depth and emotion. Ashot's desperation to find his daughter adds a layer of complexity to the character dynamics.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional turmoil and growth in the scene, particularly Ashot as he grapples with the loss of his daughter and the harsh realities of the concentration camp.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to find solace and warmth in the presence of another soul amidst the overwhelming despair of their circumstances. This reflects their deeper need for connection and resilience in the face of dehumanization.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to ensure the safety and well-being of the young girls in her care, promising Officer Shultz their food in exchange for their care. This reflects the immediate challenge of protecting others in a dangerous environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, with the characters facing the brutality of the concentration camp, the search for a lost loved one, and the small acts of defiance against the oppressive regime.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing difficult moral choices, power struggles, and the constant threat of dehumanization, creating a sense of uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high in the scene, with the characters facing life-and-death situations, the search for a lost loved one, and the oppressive regime of the concentration camp.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and conflicts for the characters, particularly in the search for Klarisa and the small acts of defiance against the Nazis.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected moral choices, emotional conflicts, and the shifting power dynamics between the characters, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between maintaining humanity and survival in an inhumane and brutal environment. The characters must navigate their moral values and ethical choices in a place designed to extinguish such sparks of humanity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene is incredibly emotionally impactful, evoking feelings of sadness, fear, and hope in the face of despair. The bond between Klarisa and Ella, as well as Ashot's desperation to find his daughter, resonates deeply with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and relationships between the characters. The interactions between Ella and Officer Shultz add tension and depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it immerses the audience in the characters' emotional struggles, moral dilemmas, and the tension of survival in a brutal environment.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional impact, allowing for moments of reflection and intensity to resonate with the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the setting, character dynamics, and emotional impact.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively building tension and emotional depth through the characters' interactions and the unfolding events.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the bleak and desolate atmosphere of the Auschwitz concentration camp, setting a tone of despair and hopelessness.
  • The relationship between Klarisa and Ella is portrayed with sensitivity, highlighting their bond and resilience in the face of adversity.
  • The use of visual and auditory elements, such as the dimly lit corner, the Yiddish folk tune, and the accordion music, adds depth and emotion to the scene.
  • The introduction of Officer Shultz and the subsequent separation of Ella from Klarisa creates a sense of tension and impending danger.
  • The transition to the Gestapo headquarters and the officers lounge provides a stark contrast between the innocence of the girls and the callousness of the soldiers.
  • The depiction of the grim task of removing gold caps from the deceased bodies adds a chilling layer of horror to the scene.
  • The interaction between Ashot and Officer Shultz, as well as Ashot's plea for help in finding his daughter, adds a personal and emotional dimension to the narrative.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for Klarisa and Ella to further develop their characters and deepen the impact of their situation.
  • Explore the use of symbolism or metaphor to enhance the themes of resilience and humanity in the face of dehumanization.
  • Provide more context or background information on the characters and their relationships to create a richer and more immersive storytelling experience.
  • Consider incorporating more sensory details to evoke a stronger emotional response from the audience, such as the sights, sounds, and smells of the camp.
  • Ensure a balance between the bleakness of the setting and the moments of humanity and connection to create a nuanced and impactful portrayal of the characters' experiences.



Scene 6 -  The Fate of Ella Bernstein
EXT. AUSCHWITZ EXTERMINATION CAMP. DAY

It has snowed the night before, Klarisa has wandered outside
of the women’s barracks, she starts down the row of barbed
wire fencing.
17.


She begins to notice emaciated dead bodies buried in the
snow. Klarisa approaches the end of the building and stops at
the restricted area entrance. The guard is bundled up and
asleep as she walks by unnoticed. About a hundred yards away
Ashot works sifting through ashes. Just as she is about to
turn and see him, Ella yells out.

ELLA
Klarisa come here!

Klarisa turns and steps out of frame. Ashot feeling something
looks up towards her but sees nothing. Klarisa walks back and
meets Ella at the barrack’s door.

ELLA (CONT’D)
Come inside sweetie it’s dangerous
for you to be out here.

KLARISA
I was looking for my parents maybe
they are here somewhere?

ELLA
I know you miss your family but
there are very sick people here,
and if you get too close to them
you can get sick too. Do you
understand?

Klarisa nods and follows Ella back into the building.

CUT TO:


INT. AUSCHWITZ EXTERMINATION CAMP COMMANDANT MULLER’S OFFICE.
NIGHT



Commandant Muller sits at his desk going through his
paperwork. He picks up the phone and dials.
COMMANDANT MULLER
I need to send a message!

He slams the phone down as a YOUNG SOLDIER with pen and pad
enters the office.

YOUNG SOLDIER
Yes Commandant I am ready for the
message!
18.


COMMANDANT MULLER
The message is for SS Commandant
Rudolf Hoess. The message is as
follows.... Dear revered
Commandant Hoess The Jewish problem
is solved, SS Reichsfuhrer Himmler
will be very pleased to hear we
have completed engineering and
construction of the new facility.
We will be in full operation within
twenty four hours. Please note the
numbers will double from four
thousand to eight thousand and in
time an expected outcome of twelve
thousand a day. All three Auschwitz
locations will be working at full
capacity. Hail Hitler. Your Loyal
comrade, Commandant Ludwig Muller.
End Message.

The young soldier steps backwards turns and quickly leaves.
Sergeant Shultz stands at the open door.

OFFICER SHULTZ
Commandant Muller do you have a
moment?

COMMANDANT MULLER
Yes, Officer Shultz what is it?

Commandant Muller gets up and puts on his Gestapo overcoat
and military hat.

OFFICER SHULTZ
It is about Ella Bernstein
Commandant?

Shultz hesitates not sure of himself. Muller picks up on it.

COMMANDANT MULLER
(Smiling)
It is quite a shame Officer Shultz,
beautiful woman like her. Juden
blood there is nothing we can do?

Muller heads for the door.

COMMANDANT MULLER (CONT’D)
Go ahead and give her what she
wants, it will be their last meal.

CUT TO:
19.
Genres: ["Historical Drama","War"]

Summary In his office at Auschwitz, Commandant Muller boasts to Rudolf Hoess about the camp's expanded capacity and efficiency. He later coldly informs Officer Shultz that Ella Bernstein will be given what she desires, suggesting her imminent execution in the gas chamber. The scene's oppressive atmosphere and Muller's chilling indifference highlight the brutality of the Nazi regime and the impending tragedy for Ella Bernstein.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic portrayal of historical events
  • Intense conflict
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Disturbing themes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally impactful, intense, and effectively conveys the horrors of the Holocaust. It keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of survival in a concentration camp setting is executed with authenticity and depth. The scene effectively portrays the dehumanizing conditions and moral dilemmas faced by the characters.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly, revealing the dire circumstances the characters find themselves in and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the Holocaust by focusing on individual experiences within the camp and highlighting the moral dilemmas faced by both prisoners and guards. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and evoke strong emotions from the audience. Their struggles and relationships add depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional and psychological changes as they confront the horrors of Auschwitz, leading to personal growth and transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

Klarisa's internal goal is to find her parents, reflecting her deep desire for connection and family in the midst of the horrific circumstances she finds herself in.

External Goal: 7

Klarisa's external goal is to navigate the dangerous environment of the camp and stay safe, reflecting the immediate challenge of survival she faces.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving internal struggles, external threats, and moral dilemmas.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing difficult moral choices and conflicting loyalties.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high as the characters face life-threatening situations, loss of loved ones, and moral dilemmas that test their humanity.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new challenges, dilemmas, and revelations that drive the narrative towards its climax.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and decisions made by the characters, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is evident in the dehumanization and cruelty of the guards towards the prisoners, challenging Klarisa's beliefs in humanity and compassion.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene elicits strong emotions from the audience, evoking feelings of sadness, fear, and despair. The tragic circumstances faced by the characters resonate deeply.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and conveys the characters' emotions and motivations effectively. It adds to the tension and drama of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and emotional subject matter, as well as the high stakes and conflicts faced by the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between different locations and characters.


Critique
  • The scene opens with a strong visual of the aftermath of the Holocaust, with Klarisa wandering outside the women's barracks and encountering dead bodies buried in the snow. This sets a somber and chilling tone for the scene.
  • The interaction between Klarisa and Ella adds a layer of humanity and compassion amidst the harsh reality of the camp. It shows the bond between the characters and the struggle to find moments of normalcy in a horrific environment.
  • Commandant Muller's phone call to SS Commandant Rudolf Hoess reveals the cold and calculated nature of the Nazi regime, emphasizing the systematic and efficient approach to the genocide.
  • The conversation between Commandant Muller and Officer Shultz highlights the dehumanization and cruelty of the officers, especially in their treatment of Ella Bernstein. It underscores the lack of empathy and the callousness of the Nazi officers.
  • The scene effectively conveys the oppressive atmosphere of the Auschwitz extermination camp, with the focus on the bureaucratic procedures and the inhumane decisions made by the officers.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more emotional depth to Klarisa's character by exploring her internal thoughts and feelings as she navigates the horrors of the camp.
  • Enhance the tension in Commandant Muller's office by building up the suspense and emphasizing the power dynamics between the characters.
  • Provide more context or background information on Ella Bernstein to further develop her character and create a stronger emotional impact.
  • Consider incorporating more visual cues or symbolic elements to enhance the thematic depth of the scene and convey the psychological impact of the Holocaust.
  • Focus on the moral dilemmas faced by the characters, especially Officer Shultz, to add complexity and nuance to their interactions and decisions.



Scene 7 -  Separation and Despair
INT. AUSCHWITZ CONCENTRATION CAMP. WOMEN’S BARRACKS. NIGHT

Ella and Klarisa and two of the young blonde girls are
huddled up together on the floor.


EXT. AUSCHWITZ CONCENTRATION CAMP. WOMEN’S BARRACKS. NIGHT

Officer Shultz stands at the entrance to the barracks with
one arm around a paper bag, he pulls out the black and white
picture of Klarisa from his overcoat and glances at it as he
enters the barracks.


INT. AUSCHWITZ CONCENTRATION CAMP WOMEN’S BARRACKS. NIGHT

Officer Shultz enters and walks up to Ella and Klarisa he
looks down at Klarisa to get a good look at her. Ella stands
up to greet him.

ELLA
Good evening Sergeant Shultz!

OFFICER SHULTZ
Fräulein Bernstein compliments of
Commandant Muller.

Shultz hands her the paper bag with bread and vegetables.

ELLA
Thank you very much Sergeant, we
all appreciate your generosity.

Officer Shultz looks down at Klarisa specifically her arms.

OFFICER SHULTZ
This young girl, is she related to
you?

ELLA
She is not related to me she
shouldn’t be in here!

OFFICER SHULTZ
Nichtjude?

Officer Shultz changes his demeanor.

OFFICER SHULTZ (CONT’D)
(Raising his voice)
Attention ! Attention Ladies! The
camp has had an outbreak of
disease.
(MORE)
20.

OFFICER SHULTZ (CONT’D)
Tomorrow morning you ladies are
scheduled to take a hygienic shower
this is for everyone’s safety.

Officer Shultz turns and marches out the door.


EXT. AUSCHWITZ EXTERMINATION CAMP OVENS. DAY

Ashot is bent over using a metal screen to sift through the
ashes from one of the ovens. A few moments go by and he is
able to extract a couple of gold fillings. He looks up to see
Shultz from the distance waving him over. Ashot thinking he
might have news of his daughter, quickly drops the screen and
runs over.




ASHOT
Hello Commandant Shultz, did you
find my daughter?

OFFICER SHULTZ
No, not yet but I will be going to
visit the other barracks at
stations two and three in the next
couple of days.

Ashot pulls out his black gold bag and hands it to Shultz.

ASHOT
Thank you, Commandant. I will be
waiting for the good news!

Officer Shultz pulls out a pack of cigarettes and offers one
up.

OFFICER SHULTZ
Go ahead Golden Boy, take one for
later.

Ashot reaches out and takes one placing it in his pocket.

ASHOT
Thank you, Commandant!

Ashot turns and heads back to the pile of ashes and begins
sifting for gold.
21.


EXT. AUSCHWITZ CONCENTRATION CAMP WOMEN’S BARRACKS. DAY

Officer Shultz and FOUR SOLDIERS march through the snow and
mud towards the women barracks. The Four Soldiers enter
abruptly.


INT. AUSCHWITZ CONCENTRATION CAMP WOMEN’S BARRACKS: DAY

The Soldiers stand at strategic spots inside the barracks.
Officer Shultz enters.

OFFICER SHULTZ
Attention! Attention ladies! Its
time to go everybody line up in the
center isle.

The woman start to gather in the center isle. Officer Shultz
walks over to Klarisa and Ella he waves one of his Soldiers
to his side. Shultz leans over and whispers into the
Soldier’s ear. Ella begins to move with the others Klarisa
grips her skirt to follow along. The soldier leans in and
stops Klarisa.

SOLDIER
You have to stay here!

Klarisa starts to cry, she grips Ella’s skirt tighter.

ELLA
It’s alright sweetie I’ll take a
shower and I will come right back.

KLARISA
But why can’t I take a shower too?


The soldier's temper flares, and with a harsh, unthinking
cruelty, he lashes out at Klarisa, his boot connecting with
her small frame and sending her tumbling away from Ella. The
sudden violence of the act causes Klarisa to fall back hard,
her head striking the ground with a chilling thud. Without a
moment's hesitation or a flicker of remorse, he then turns
his attention to Ella, giving her a forceful shove that
propels her into the line, separating the two with an
indifference that speaks of the heartlessness that pervades
this place.


SOLDIER
Schnell!
22.


Klarisa sobs as she watches the room empty out.

FADE TO BLACK.
Genres: ["Historical Drama","War","Holocaust"]

Summary At Auschwitz, Ella and Klarisa huddle together in the barracks. Officer Shultz delivers food to Ella, questioning Klarisa's presence. He announces a mandatory hygienic shower the next morning due to a disease outbreak. Meanwhile, Ashot searches for his daughter in the crematorium ashes, encountering Officer Shultz. The following day, the women are marched to the showers, but a brutal soldier stops Klarisa, kicks her, and separates her from Ella, pushing the latter into the line. The scene fades to black as Klarisa, injured and alone, watches the women disappear into the shower room.
Strengths
  • Emotional impact
  • Authentic portrayal of Holocaust horrors
  • Intense conflict
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Disturbing themes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally impactful, effectively conveying the horrors of the Holocaust and the desperation of the characters. The high stakes and intense conflict contribute to a powerful narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of depicting life in a concentration camp during the Holocaust is executed with authenticity and sensitivity. The scene effectively conveys the brutality and inhumanity of the situation.

Plot: 8

The plot focuses on the cruel treatment of the characters in the concentration camp, leading to emotional turmoil and despair. The progression of events is intense and engaging.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the horrors of the Holocaust, focusing on the intimate struggles of the characters within the larger historical context. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are portrayed with depth and emotion, eliciting empathy from the audience. Their struggles and interactions add layers to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional turmoil and despair, facing unimaginable hardships in the concentration camp. Their experiences lead to profound changes in their outlook and behavior.

Internal Goal: 8

Ella's internal goal is to protect Klarisa and ensure her safety in the face of the camp's brutality. This reflects her deeper need for compassion, connection, and survival.

External Goal: 7

Ella's external goal is to navigate the dangerous and oppressive environment of the concentration camp while trying to protect Klarisa and herself.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and emotionally charged, with the characters facing life-threatening situations and cruel treatment. The stakes are high, leading to a sense of urgency and despair.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the soldiers exerting control and cruelty over the prisoners, creating a sense of danger and conflict.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are incredibly high, with the characters facing life-threatening situations, cruelty, and despair in the concentration camp. The risk of loss and the struggle for survival are palpable.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by showcasing the characters' struggles in the concentration camp and their desperate search for hope and survival. It sets the stage for further developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden and shocking violence that occurs, keeping the audience on edge and uncertain of the characters' fates.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between humanity and inhumanity, compassion and cruelty. It challenges Ella's beliefs in kindness and decency in the face of extreme adversity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, eliciting feelings of sadness, despair, and horror. The characters' struggles and the harsh reality of the Holocaust are deeply affecting.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the harsh reality of the characters' situation, showcasing their fear, desperation, and resilience. It adds to the overall tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional stakes, the conflict between characters, and the sense of impending danger and tragedy.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, allowing for moments of emotional impact and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a dramatic screenplay set in a historical period, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic and intense moment in a historical setting, effectively building tension and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys the harsh and brutal reality of life in Auschwitz, with Officer Shultz's indifference and cruelty towards the prisoners adding to the sense of despair and hopelessness.
  • The dialogue between Ella, Klarisa, and Officer Shultz effectively captures the power dynamics and the emotional turmoil of the characters in the scene.
  • The visual descriptions of the barracks, the snow and mud outside, and the chilling violence towards Klarisa create a vivid and immersive setting that enhances the emotional impact of the scene.
  • The scene effectively builds tension and a sense of impending tragedy, leading to a powerful and heartbreaking climax with Klarisa's separation from Ella and the brutal treatment she receives from the soldier.
  • The use of sound, such as Klarisa's sobs and the chilling thud of her head hitting the ground, adds to the emotional intensity of the scene and creates a haunting atmosphere.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for Ashot as he interacts with Officer Shultz, to further highlight his desperation and hope for finding his daughter.
  • Explore the possibility of incorporating more subtle gestures or actions from the characters to convey their emotions and relationships, such as Klarisa clinging to Ella's skirt or Officer Shultz's cold demeanor.
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or reaction from Ella after Klarisa is separated from her, to further emphasize the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Think about incorporating more sensory details, such as the smell of the barracks or the sound of footsteps in the snow, to enhance the immersive quality of the setting and create a more vivid experience for the audience.
  • Consider exploring the aftermath of Klarisa's separation from Ella in the following scenes, to show the emotional repercussions and further develop the characters' arcs.



Scene 8 -  Reunion in the Ashes
EXT. AUSCHWITZ EXTERMINATION CAMP GAS CHAMBER. DAY

Gray-uniformed overseers watch intently as Ashot and four
others are forced to remove bodies from the gas chamber.
Amidst the heart-wrenching task, Ashot and another worker
carry the lifeless form of Ella. Her serene features,
preserved in death, haunt Ashot; her beauty, now lost to the
world, overwhelms him. Tears blur his vision as he carefully
places her on the cart.

Overcome with grief, Ashot's resolve crumbles. He steps back
from the cart, his legs failing him as he collapses to his
knees, surrendering to his sorrow. His breakdown does not go
unnoticed. An armed German soldier spots him, his face
hardening as he advances toward Ashot with his rifle aimed,
ready to enforce order through fear and brutality.

SOLDIER
Hey you! Get back to work.

Ashot does not respond. The soldier places the rifle to his
head.



SOLDIER (CONT’D)
I said back to work!

Ashot stares back stoic. The soldier cocks his rifle. From
the distance Officer Shultz yells out.

OFFICER SHULTZ
Halt!

The soldier backs off. Officer Shultz sends another soldier
in to escort Ashot back to the ash pile to continue sifting
for gold.

CUT TO:


INT. AUSCHWITZ CONCENTRATION CAMP WOMEN’S BARRACKS. DAY

Hours stretch into an eternity, leaving the barracks
enveloped in a haunting silence, abandoned but for the lone
figure of Klarisa.
23.


She sits beside an old wood-burning stove, its fire
flickering weakly, the last vestiges of warmth threatening to
succumb to the cold embrace of the surrounding air. The quiet
around her is palpable, filled with the echoes of those who
once filled this space, now departed.

Gathering her resolve like a cloak around her, Klarisa rises.
Each movement is deliberate, a small act of defiance against
the despair that seeks to claim her. She moves towards the
doorway, driven by a need to breach the confines of her
isolation, to peer beyond the walls that hold her.

With a cautious step, she decides to venture a look outside,
propelled by a mix of curiosity and the human need for
connection, however faint or fleeting it may be. The door, a
threshold between the known and the unknown, awaits her
decision, standing as both barrier and gateway to the world
beyond the dying embers of the stove.

CUT TO:


EXT. AUSCHWITZ CONCENTRATION CAMP WOMEN’S BARRACKS. DAY

Klarisa looks down the isle of barbed wire fencing and sees
black smoke bellowing from the ovens on a backdrop of blood
red skies. Klarisa holds up her rag doll and begins talking
to it.

KLARISA
Alright Lucy, let’s see if we can
find Papa?

She makes her way down the row of barbed wire and naively
passes by the sleeping guard. Entering the restricted area
she can now see the gas chamber and ovens. Ashot is bent over
sifting through the ashes using a wire screen. Klarisa looks
at Ashot but doesn't recognize him because of the
handkerchief covering his face. Ashot stands up and removes
the handkerchief.

KLARISA (CONT’D)
Papa! Papa!

As Ashot labors amidst the grim surroundings, his gaze
inadvertently sweeps across the barren expanse, only to be
caught and frozen by a sight he scarcely believes. There, in
the distance, stands Klarisa, her presence amidst the
desolation striking a chord of disbelief within him. For a
moment, time stands still, the harsh reality of their
environment blurring at the edges as hope, fragile and
fleeting, pierces through the veil of despair.
24.


Without a second thought, Ashot's responsibilities, the heavy
burden he carries, fall away from him, abandoned as he breaks
into a run. Every step carries him closer to Klarisa, driven
by a mix of urgency and disbelief, his heart racing with the
possibility of reunion. In this moment, the harshness of
their world is momentarily eclipsed by the human need to
connect, to confirm that what he sees is real, that amidst
the horror, there can still be moments of unexpected grace.

SOLDIER
Now where is he going? Hey! Come
back here!

Officer Shultz looks over and sees their reunion.

Ashot joyously yells out to Shultz.

ASHOT
Commandant, my daughter, it’s my
daughter!

Officer Shultz makes his way to where they are, he opens a
nearby gate and lets Klarisa come through. Klarisa jumps into
Ashot’s arms they kiss and hug each other ecstatically.

KLARISA
Papa! I knew you would find me!

OFFICER SHULTZ
Take her to your barracks and hide
her, no one can know, understand?



ASHOT
Yes, Commandant. Thank you!

Ashot holding Klarisa’s hand make their way back to Ashot’s
barracks.

OFFICER SHULTZ
Keep her out of sight. Tomorrow you
will go to work at our Stuttgart
camp.


FADE TO BLACK.
Genres: ["Historical Drama","War","Survival"]

Summary Klarisa, consumed by loneliness in the women's barracks, ventures outside, drawn by a desperate need for connection. She witnesses the horrifying smoke billowing from the ovens and the gas chamber in the distance. Calling out for her father, Ashot, she finds him sifting through ashes at the ovens. Overwhelmed with joy and disbelief, Ashot runs to her, momentarily forgetting his duties. A soldier attempts to stop him, but Officer Shultz allows Klarisa to join Ashot. They embrace in a moment of pure joy, reunited against all odds. Shultz instructs them to hide Klarisa and tells Ashot he will be transferred to Stuttgart the next day. Despite the looming darkness, their brief reunion offers a glimmer of hope amidst the despair.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Potentially triggering content
  • Dark subject matter

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally impactful, well-paced, and effectively conveys the high stakes and desperation of the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a father and daughter reuniting in the midst of a concentration camp adds a layer of humanity and hope to the dark setting.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging, with a strong focus on the characters' emotional journey and the unexpected reunion between Ashot and Klarisa.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to the Holocaust narrative by focusing on moments of connection and hope amidst despair. The authenticity of characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions are palpable, especially in the moment of reunion between Ashot and Klarisa.

Character Changes: 9

Ashot experiences a significant change in emotion from despair to hope upon reuniting with Klarisa.

Internal Goal: 9

Ashot's internal goal is to cope with grief and find a sense of hope and connection amidst the horrors of the camp. His breakdown and subsequent reunion with his daughter reflect his deeper need for love, family, and humanity in a dehumanizing environment.

External Goal: 8

Ashot's external goal is to continue working at the camp and hide his daughter to ensure her safety. It reflects the immediate circumstances of survival and the need to protect loved ones in a dangerous environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters' desperate circumstances and their moment of reunion creates tension and emotional impact.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Ashot facing the threat of violence from the soldier, the challenge of hiding his daughter, and the harsh reality of the camp. The audience is unsure of the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of survival in a concentration camp and the risk of discovery add tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by showcasing the characters' emotional journey and the unexpected reunion.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reunion between Ashot and his daughter in a bleak and dangerous environment. The audience doesn't know how their interaction will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between the inhumanity of the Nazi regime and the resilience of the human spirit to find moments of connection and hope even in the darkest of times. It challenges Ashot's beliefs in the face of overwhelming despair.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly in the moment of reunion between Ashot and Klarisa.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and the gravity of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, the high stakes of survival and family, and the tension between despair and hope. The characters' actions and dialogue draw the audience in.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, creating emotional depth, and highlighting the urgency of the characters' actions. The rhythm enhances the impact of the reunion.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. It is well-formatted and easy to follow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the harrowing and bleak atmosphere of Auschwitz, with the stark contrast between Klarisa's innocence and the brutality of the camp. The visual descriptions of the setting, such as the dying embers of the stove and the barbed wire fencing, create a haunting and oppressive tone. The emotional turmoil experienced by Ashot, from grief to disbelief to joy, is well portrayed through his actions and interactions with Klarisa and Officer Shultz.
  • The dialogue, particularly between Klarisa and Ashot, conveys a sense of longing, hope, and desperation in the face of unimaginable circumstances. Officer Shultz's brief but impactful lines add tension and a sense of urgency to the scene. The use of silence and visual cues, like Klarisa talking to her rag doll and Ashot removing the handkerchief to reveal his face, enhances the emotional depth of the scene.
  • The scene effectively builds suspense and anticipation as Ashot and Klarisa reunite, creating a moment of unexpected grace amidst the horror of the camp. The interaction between Ashot, Klarisa, and Officer Shultz adds layers of complexity to the characters and their relationships, highlighting the themes of family, survival, and sacrifice.
  • The visual imagery of the scene, from the black smoke bellowing from the ovens to the blood red skies, paints a vivid and chilling picture of the camp. The use of contrasting elements, like the warmth of the wood-burning stove against the cold isolation of the barracks, adds depth and texture to the setting.
  • Overall, the scene effectively conveys the emotional weight and moral complexity of the characters' experiences in Auschwitz, capturing moments of resilience, connection, and humanity in the face of unspeakable atrocities.
Suggestions
  • Consider further exploring the internal thoughts and emotions of Ashot and Klarisa to deepen the impact of their reunion and the complexities of their relationship.
  • Enhance the sensory details in the scene to immerse the audience in the stark and oppressive environment of Auschwitz, using sounds, smells, and textures to evoke a visceral response.
  • Continue to develop the dynamic between Ashot, Klarisa, and Officer Shultz to add layers of tension and moral ambiguity, exploring the themes of survival, sacrifice, and the limits of humanity in extreme circumstances.
  • Consider incorporating more symbolic elements or motifs to underscore the themes of hope, despair, and resilience in the face of adversity, adding depth and nuance to the narrative.
  • Explore the aftermath of the reunion between Ashot and Klarisa, delving into the repercussions of their actions and decisions in the context of the larger story arc, to further develop the characters and their arcs.



Scene 9 -  A Tinkle of Hope
EXT. TWO LANE GRAVEL ROAD TWENTY MILES OUT OF AUSCHWITZ. DAY

A two lane road separated by a row of trees and bushes. One
side of the road travels North while the other South. The
snow and mud make the road difficult to transverse.
25.


The military truck Ashot and Klarisa are in has staled and is
pulled over on the inside of the road. Ashot is working under
the hood as the soldiers watch attentively. Just on the other
side of the bushes, separating the road, are Anna and Eddie.
They are walking in the opposite direction within a group of
THIRTY WOMEN AND CHILDREN. The group is lead and flanked by
German trucks, a couple of foot soldiers keep an eye out as
they slowly march through the snow and mud. Ashot, standing
on the trucks front bumper looks through the bushes and sees
the group of women heading towards him. Thinking nothing of
it he continues working on the truck’s engine. Anna struggles
carrying Eddie and her few remaining possessions. Tied to a
sack slung over her shoulder is the tea kettle with wired
spoon. We hear it TINGLE as she maneuvers down the road.
Ashot on the other side of the bushes hears the familiar
TINGLE coming from the kettle.

ASHOT
Oh my God!

He looks through bushes and see, his Wife and Son.

ASHOT (CONT’D)
(Yelling out)
Anna! Anka!

Anna looks up and sees Ashot through the bushes standing on
the truck bumper.

ANNA
Ashot?

Ashot joyously slams the hood down and jumps to the ground .
He calls to one of the soldiers and points to the bushes.

ASHOT
My wife and son are there! Can I go
get them?

The soldier looks back puzzled.
SOLDIER
What about the truck?

ASHOT
Truck is good!

The soldier signals the truck driver to try and start it.
Ashot makes his way through the bushes. The soldier follows
pointing his rifle.

SOLDIER
Hey, where you going? Come back
here!
26.


On the other side of the bushes Ashot is hugging Anna and
kissing the baby. The soldier nearly trips as he makes his
way through the bushes, upset he points the rifle.

SOLDIER (CONT’D)
Get back to the truck!

ASHOT
Please Captain, let my family come
too!

Just as Ashot finishes the sentence we hear the GROWL of the
diesel motor come to life. Ashot smiles.

ASHOT (CONT’D)
I fixed it!
The soldier changes his demeanor and lowers his rifle.

SOLDIER
Alright hurry up!

Ashot grabs the sack off her shoulder and the kettle TINGLES
again. They both smile as they make their way back to the
truck.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Historical Drama","War"]

Summary While repairing a broken truck, Ashot hears the distinct 'TINGLE' of his wife Anna's tea kettle as she and their son Eddie are transported by German soldiers. Recognizing the sound, Ashot sees his family through the bushes and pleads with a soldier to let him go get them. Despite initial hesitation, the soldier grants Ashot permission after the truck is fixed. Overjoyed, Ashot reunites with Anna and Eddie, and they return to the truck together, their reunion a symbol of hope in the midst of their harrowing journey.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-filled reunion scene
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Some predictable elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally charged, with a mix of joy, desperation, and fear. The tension is palpable as Ashot tries to reunite with his family in a dangerous situation.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of family reunion in the midst of war and tragedy is powerful and engaging. It adds depth to the characters and the overall story.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around Ashot's attempt to reunite with his family, adding a personal and emotional layer to the larger wartime narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on wartime narratives by focusing on the personal relationships and emotional stakes of the characters, rather than just the larger historical context.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Ashot and Anna, are well-developed and their emotions are portrayed effectively, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Ashot experiences a moment of joy and relief as he reunites with his family, showcasing a change in his emotional state.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to reunite with his wife and son, reflecting his deep desire for family and connection in the midst of a dangerous and uncertain situation.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to fix the stalled military truck and reunite with his family, reflecting the immediate challenge of mechanical failure and the threat of separation from loved ones.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene arises from the soldiers' presence and the danger of the situation, adding tension and urgency.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the soldier's conflicting priorities and the threat of separation from the protagonist's family creating a sense of urgency and conflict.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Ashot risks his safety to reunite with his family in a dangerous and uncertain situation.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting the personal struggles and relationships of the characters amidst the larger wartime backdrop.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reunion between the protagonist and his family, as well as the shifting dynamics between the characters in a wartime setting.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's belief in the importance of family and connection, contrasting with the soldier's duty to maintain order and control in a wartime setting.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact due to the reunion of Ashot with his family in a dire situation, evoking feelings of joy, desperation, and fear.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal but serves its purpose in conveying the urgency and emotions of the characters in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high emotional stakes, tense action, and the audience's investment in the protagonist's journey to reunite with his family.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a well-balanced mix of action, dialogue, and emotional beats that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue that enhance the visual and emotional impact of the story.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, with well-paced action and dialogue that effectively conveys the protagonist's goals and challenges.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys the tension and urgency of the moment as Ashot and Klarisa are separated by the road, with Anna and Eddie on one side and Ashot on the other.
  • The use of the tea kettle as a sound cue to reunite the family is a clever and emotional touch that adds depth to the scene.
  • The interaction between Ashot and the soldier adds a layer of conflict and suspense, as Ashot desperately tries to reunite with his family while the soldier initially resists.
  • The moment of joy and relief when Ashot fixes the truck and is able to bring his family back together is a powerful and heartwarming resolution to the scene.
  • The visual and auditory cues, such as the TINGLE of the tea kettle and the GROWL of the truck's engine, effectively enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for the characters to deepen the audience's connection with them.
  • Explore the possibility of incorporating more visual cues or symbolism to further enhance the themes of separation and reunion.
  • Perhaps add a brief moment of reflection or gratitude from Ashot and Anna once they are reunited to emphasize the emotional weight of the moment.
  • Ensure that the dialogue and actions of the characters remain true to their established personalities and motivations throughout the scene.
  • Consider incorporating more sensory details to immerse the audience in the setting and emotions of the characters.



Scene 10 -  Caught in the Orchard
EXT. TWO LANE GRAVEL ROAD TWENTY MILES OUT OF AUSCHWITZ. DAY

The German Military truck plows through the snow and mud at
close to forty miles per hour down the gravel road. Inside
the rear of the truck are approximately TWENTY PEOPLE. Ashot,
Anna, Klarisa and Eddie are huddled up together in a corner
of the truck. Anna hugs and kisses Klarisa Ashot does the
same to Eddie.

KLARISA
Papa where are we going?
ASHOT
We are going to Stuttgart Germany
to work at the Damlier Benz
factory. We will be good, Germany
has all the food.



Ashot quickly pulls out the medallion and kisses it. Anna
notices what he just did, she looks back at him quizzically.
Ashot still isn’t sure about God but he gives in to Anna.
27.


ASHOT (CONT’D)
Alright, Thank God!

Anna ecstatically hugs and kisses Ashot.

FADE TO BLACK.


SUPERIMPOSED:


EIGHTEEN MONTHS LATER.


EXT. STUTTGART GERMANY LABOR CAMP BEHIND MERCEDES PLANT. DAY
ESTABLISHING SHOT: The labor camp barracks are behind the
factory flanked by fruit orchards. It’s a hot day as the
female workers toil in the fields picking fruit.


INT. LABOR CAMP BARRACKS. DAY

In the dim light of the barracks, a stark contrast to the
day's grim duties, Ashot finds solace in music. He cradles
his mandolin, the notes floating through the cramped space as
he begins to play a lively tune. The occupants of the
barracks, wearied by their harsh realities, gather around,
their faces lighting up with a rare glimpse of joy.

Anna, her voice clear and strong, steps forward to sing a
hauntingly beautiful Russian song. The melody weaves through
the room, offering a momentary escape to a gentler world.
Klarisa, who has grown and changed amid the harsh conditions,
dances spiritedly. Now healthier, her movements are full of
life. She grasps her brother Eddie's hands, spinning and
stepping in rhythm, their dance a defiant spark of life and
connection in the shadow of despair. Together, they create a
pocket of warmth and humanity, a stark reminder of resilience
in the face of relentless cruelty.
CUT TO:


EXT. LABOR CAMP BARRACKS. DAY

Camp Guard OFFICER KRAUSE brown hair and green eyes, face pot
marked with scars. He hears the MUSIC and decides to check
things out. He turns and heads toward the barracks.
28.


INT. LABOR CAMP BARRACKS. DAY

Officer Krause enters the barracks quietly and unnoticed.
From a distance he stares at Klarisa dancing and spinning
around.

FADE TO BLACK.


EXT. LABOR CAMP APPLE ORCHARD. DAY

About TWENTY WOMEN are working in the fields picking apples.
Anna, Klarisa and Klarisa’s twelve year old friend GAYANNE
are working in an area close to the barracks. Klarisa and
Gayanne are wearing beautiful Sundresses. They run around
chasing each other down the isles of trees.

ANNA
Klarisa don’t go too far!

Klarisa nods but keeps running as Gayanne follows giggling.
They come to a restricted area of the orchard. Barbed wire
separates a group of mature trees loaded with large, bright,
red apples. Klarisa and Gayanne crawl through a small break
in the barbed wire. Klarisa jumps trying to grab an apple.
With no luck she turns to climb the tree.

GAYANNE
Klarisa! I don’t think you should
do that!

Klarisa makes her way up the trunk and crawls out on one of
the branches.

KLARISA
Don’t worry Gayanne, just catch the
apples!

From a distance Officer Krause sees Klarisa on the tree.

OFFICER KRAUSE
Hey! You! Get out of there!

He runs towards the girls.

GAYANNE
Get down Klarisa, he’s coming!

Klarisa is stuck she tries to crawl backwards but almost
falls off the tree.

KLARISA
Go get my Mom, hurry!
29.


Gayanne runs away just as Officer Krause approaches. Klarisa
looks down at Officer Krause.

KLARISA (CONT’D)
I’m sorry please don’t kill me!

OFFICER KRAUSE
I’m not going to kill you. Come
down from there!

KLARISA
I can’t, I’m stuck.

Officer Krause reaches up and can almost touch her.

OFFICER KRAUSE
Don’t be afraid, slide down the
branch. I will catch you if you
fall.

In a moment fraught with tension and vulnerability, Klarisa,
in an attempt to navigate her precarious situation, shimmies
down, inadvertently finding herself in an even more
compromising position. Krause, seizing the opportunity
presented by her descent, places his hand onto her buttocks,
an unwelcome and violating touch that underscores the power
imbalance between them.

Krause's gaze, predatory and unyielding, fixates on her legs
and underwear, his attention drawn to her in a manner that
strips away her autonomy, reducing her to an object of his
leering scrutiny. This moment, charged with discomfort and
the threat of escalation, highlights the stark reality of
Klarisa's perilous circumstance, trapped not only by her
environment but by the dangerous intentions of those who
wield power over her.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Historical Drama","War","Survival"]

Summary While Ashot plays the mandolin, Anna sings, and Klarisa dances with Eddie, Klarisa and her friend Gayanne sneak into a restricted area of the orchard to pick apples. Officer Krause catches them and, after a tense encounter, helps Klarisa down from the tree. The scene highlights the power imbalance and vulnerability of the female workers within the labor camp.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Resilience theme
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Potentially triggering content
  • Violent themes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys a range of emotions, tension, and character dynamics, keeping the audience engaged and emotionally invested.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of resilience, hope, and defiance in the midst of a brutal environment is well-executed, adding depth and complexity to the narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly, showing the characters' journey, challenges, and moments of connection, setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the struggles of individuals in a labor camp during World War II, with authentic character actions and dialogue that evoke empathy and tension.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, showcasing their strength, vulnerability, and relationships in a compelling way that resonates with the audience.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional and psychological changes, showing growth, resilience, and vulnerability in the face of adversity.

Internal Goal: 8

Ashot's internal goal is to find solace and hope amidst the harsh conditions of the labor camp. This reflects his deeper need for connection, resilience, and a sense of purpose.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to survive and protect his family in the labor camp. This reflects the immediate challenges they face in a dangerous environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene contains internal and external conflicts, power dynamics, and moments of tension that drive the narrative forward and engage the audience.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the camp guard's power and the characters' vulnerability creating a tense and uncertain dynamic that drives the conflict forward.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of survival, family separation, and resilience in a brutal environment add tension and emotional depth to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward, setting up future conflicts, resolutions, and character development.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected power dynamics and character choices that create tension and uncertainty for the audience.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is evident in the power dynamics between the camp guard and the workers, highlighting the clash between oppression and resilience. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in justice and humanity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and despair to joy and resilience, creating a powerful emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys emotions, relationships, and power dynamics, adding depth to the characters and the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, tense interactions, and thematic complexity that draw the audience into the characters' struggles and resilience.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing tension, emotion, and character development, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue that enhance the visual and emotional impact.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear progression of events and character interactions that build tension and emotion.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from the joy and warmth of Ashot, Anna, Klarisa, and Eddie finding solace in music and dance in the labor camp barracks to the tension and vulnerability of Klarisa being caught in a compromising position by Officer Krause in the apple orchard. This sudden shift in tone can be jarring for the audience and may disrupt the flow of the narrative.
  • The introduction of Officer Krause as a predatory and violating figure adds a dark and uncomfortable layer to the scene, which contrasts sharply with the moments of connection and resilience shown by the family in the barracks. The abrupt shift in tone and the introduction of this disturbing element may require more nuanced handling to ensure a cohesive and impactful storytelling.
  • The scene effectively conveys the power dynamics at play in the labor camp, highlighting the vulnerability of the characters, particularly Klarisa, in the face of authority figures like Officer Krause. However, the scene could benefit from further exploration of the emotional impact of this encounter on Klarisa and the other characters, as well as the broader implications for their relationships and survival in the camp.
  • The visual and sensory details in the scene, such as the dim light of the barracks, the lively music, the apple orchard setting, and the distinct 'TINGLE' sound of the kettle, create a vivid and immersive atmosphere. These elements effectively draw the audience into the world of the characters and enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Overall, the scene effectively captures the harsh realities and moments of resilience in the labor camp, but the abrupt shift in tone and introduction of a disturbing element may require further development and careful handling to maintain the coherence and impact of the narrative.
Suggestions
  • Consider smoothing out the transition between the moments of joy and connection in the barracks and the tension and vulnerability in the apple orchard to create a more cohesive narrative flow.
  • Explore the emotional impact of Klarisa's encounter with Officer Krause on her and the other characters, as well as the broader implications for their relationships and survival in the camp.
  • Ensure that the introduction of Officer Krause as a predatory figure is handled with sensitivity and nuance to maintain the integrity of the storytelling and the impact on the audience.
  • Continue to leverage the visual and sensory details in the scene to create a vivid and immersive atmosphere that enhances the emotional resonance of the narrative.
  • Consider further developing the themes of power dynamics, vulnerability, and resilience in the labor camp to deepen the characterization and thematic depth of the scene.



Scene 11 -  Abuse of Power
EXT. LABOR CAMP APPLE ORCHARD. DAY
Gayanne, excited and winded, runs up to where Anna is
working.

GAYANNE
Auntie Anna, Klarisa is stuck in a
tree and a guard caught her!

Anna looks around and see’s another guard standing nearby.
30.


ANNA
Let’s wait for this guard to leave
then you show me where she is.

CUT TO:


EXT. LABOR CAMP APPLE ORCHARD. DAY

In the shadowed outskirts of the barracks, a horrific scene
unfolds. Officer Krause, abusing his power in the most vile
manner, assaults Klarisa. Once he finishes, he casually pulls
up his pants, indifferent to the human wreckage he leaves
behind. Glancing down, he notices Klarisa lying motionless
before turning away, buckling his belt as if nothing
happened.

Anna and Gayanne, who had been hiding nearby, watch in
horror, waiting breathlessly for Krause to leave. Once he
disappears from sight, they rush to Klarisa's side. Anna
kneels down, gently placing her hands on Klarisa's face,
trying to assess her condition. A dark stain marks the area
around Klarisa's crotch, a silent testament to the brutality
she has endured. The air is thick with grief and rage as Anna
and Gayanne grapple with the immediate need to help Klarisa
and the overwhelming injustice of their situation.

ANNA
Klarisa! Wake up! Mama’s here!

GAYANNE
Is she dead?

Gayanne starts to cry.

ANNA
No, she just fainted.

Anna slaps Klarisa on the cheek and she finally comes to.

KLARISA
Mama?

ANNA
Yes sweetheart, I’m here. You are
going to be alright. Gayanne, help
me.

They help Klarisa to her feet.
31.


ANNA (CONT’D)
Let’s get you home, you need to lay
down.

FADE TO BLACK.


INT. LABOR CAMP BARRACKS. DUSK

DOCTOR GABRALIAN late forties heavy set with bushy eyebrows,
he examines Klarisa’s genitalia while Anna watches
attentively.

DOCTOR GABRALIAN
Her hymen was torn the reason for
the bleeding. But everything else
looks alright. It will be sore for
awhile so keep her off her feet a
few days.

Anna covers Klarisa with a blanket and places the rag doll
next to her. Klarisa takes the doll and hugs it.

ANNA
Take a nap sweetie.

Anna and the Doctor step back away from the bed.

ANNA (CONT’D)
Doctor Gabralian please keep this
between us.

DOCTOR GABRALIAN
Absolutely!



ANNA
My husband knows nothing about this
I’m afraid he’ll kill that son of a
bitch Krause.
DOCTOR GABRALIAN
Don't worry it will be our secret.

ANNA
Thank you Doctor for all your help!

CUT TO:
32.


INT. DAIMLER BENZ FACTORY. NIGHT

The factory assembly line is buzzing with activity, hundreds
of workers labor on machines, others struggle to keep up pace
on the fast moving assembly lines. ARMED SOLDIERS are
stationed throughout the factory keeping a watchful eye.
Ashot perspiring works stretching leather onto a row of
aircraft seats. Across the way is SIMON short, balding, good
natured. He’s wearing a stripped uniform with a Star of David
sewed onto his sleeve. Simon struggles to get his stamping
machine to work. OFFICER VOGEL, mid forties, looks like a
rat, he notices the stop in work flow and approaches the
worker.

OFFICER VOGEL
What’s the problem?

SIMON
The machine isn’t working I press
the pedal, nothing happens!

OFFICER VOGEL
You stupid Jew!

The soldier grabs Simon by his arm and places his hand into
the press. Holding his arm firmly in place, the soldier
places his foot on the pedal.

OFFICER VOGEL (CONT’D)
You sure it doesn't work?

Simon is terrified. Ashot watching, hurries over.

ASHOT
Please Captain I can fix it!

The soldier locks eyes with Ashot, his expression cold and
detached, before pressing the pedal. The machine stutters
momentarily, then with a jarring force, its piston descends,
brutally crushing Simon's hand. A scream pierces the air,
mingling with the sudden wail of air raid sirens. Instantly,
the clamor of the factory ceases; workers freeze, their gazes
lift in a silent, collective dread, waiting to see if bombs
will follow.

Officer Vogel, previously angry, now shows visible signs of
fear. Amidst the chaos and the growing panic, Ashot ignores
the sirens and moves swiftly to Simon's side. He wraps the
mangled hand with a rag, his actions quick and focused. As
tension mounts, the lights at one end of the factory flicker
and die, plunging the space into darkness in a cascading,
domino-like effect.

CUT TO:
33.
Genres: ["Drama","Historical","War"]

Summary In a harrowing scene set within a labor camp, Officer Krause, a guard, is shown brutally assaulting Klarisa, leaving her traumatized and injured. Meanwhile, another guard, Officer Vogel, abuses his power in the Daimler Benz factory, crushing Simon's hand with a stamping machine. The scene ends with the factory plunging into darkness, leaving the fate of Simon and other workers in uncertainty. The dark and disturbing events highlight the brutality and injustice of life under a totalitarian regime, leaving viewers with a sense of dread and foreboding.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic portrayal of wartime atrocities
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence may be disturbing to some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is powerful, emotional, and impactful, effectively conveying the brutality and inhumanity of war.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of showcasing the atrocities committed during wartime, the resilience of individuals, and the struggle for survival is effectively portrayed.

Plot: 8

The plot is intense and gripping, focusing on the traumatic events that unfold in the labor camp and the characters' reactions to them.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its portrayal of the harsh realities of a labor camp, the abuse of power, and the characters' struggles for survival. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative, creating a compelling and unique story.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with the mother's love and determination to protect her daughter standing out as a strong emotional core of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters, especially the mother and daughter, undergo emotional turmoil and growth in response to the traumatic events, showcasing their resilience and love.

Internal Goal: 9

Anna's internal goal is to protect and care for Klarisa, reflecting her deep maternal instincts and sense of responsibility towards her family. This goal also reveals Anna's resilience and determination to navigate the challenges of the labor camp.

External Goal: 8

Anna's external goal is to keep Klarisa safe and seek justice for the abuse she has suffered. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances of the scene, where Anna must navigate the oppressive environment of the labor camp to protect her family.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and emotionally charged, with the abuse of power and the characters' struggle for survival driving the narrative.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult and dangerous challenges that test their resilience and morality. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will overcome the obstacles and navigate the oppressive environment of the labor camp.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high, with the characters facing life-threatening situations and the loss of their humanity in the brutal environment of the labor camp.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting the harsh realities of war and the characters' determination to survive and protect each other.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden and shocking events that unfold, challenging the audience's expectations and creating a sense of suspense and tension. The unexpected twists and turns keep the audience on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The scene presents a philosophical conflict between the abuse of power and the resilience of the human spirit. It challenges Anna's beliefs in justice and morality, as she grapples with the injustice and brutality of the labor camp.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions of sadness, anger, and fear, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and tensions present in the scene, but could be further enhanced to deepen character interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional content, raw descriptions, and compelling character dynamics. The escalating tension and dramatic events keep the audience invested in the story, creating a sense of urgency and suspense.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, creating a sense of urgency and emotional depth. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness, engaging the audience in the characters' struggles and escalating conflicts.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the visual and emotional elements of the narrative. The scene transitions and descriptions are clear and concise, enhancing the reader's understanding of the story.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively conveys the escalating tension and emotional depth of the narrative. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness, building suspense and engaging the audience in the characters' struggles.


Critique
  • The scene depicts a horrific and disturbing act of assault on Klarisa by Officer Krause, which is a sensitive and challenging subject matter to portray on screen.
  • The scene effectively conveys the brutality and callousness of Officer Krause through his actions and indifference to Klarisa's suffering.
  • The aftermath of the assault is portrayed with sensitivity, highlighting the emotional impact on Klarisa, Anna, and Gayanne.
  • The dialogue and actions of the characters effectively convey the fear, horror, and helplessness of the situation.
  • The scene effectively sets up a sense of tension and unease, creating a powerful emotional impact on the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider approaching the depiction of the assault with even more sensitivity and care, ensuring that it is not gratuitous or exploitative.
  • Provide more context or background information to further develop the characters and their relationships, adding depth to the scene.
  • Explore the emotional aftermath of the assault on Klarisa, Anna, and Gayanne in more detail to fully capture the impact of the traumatic event.
  • Consider incorporating moments of resilience, strength, and support among the characters to balance the darkness of the scene.
  • Ensure that the scene serves a purpose in the overall narrative and contributes to the character development and story progression.



Scene 12 -  The Skillet and the Assault
EXT. ARIEL SHOT DAIMLER BENZ FACTORY. NIGHT

The last few lights go out placing the whole facility in
darkness.

FADE OUT.


EXT. LABOR CAMP BARRACKS. DAY

It’s five a.m. The sun is just about to rise. The guards are
ushering about thirty women and children out of the barracks
and to the apple orchards. As they leave, other guards are
walking the men back from the factory night shift. Anna,
Klarisa and Eddie are accompanied by Gayanne and her Mother
ERIN, dark hair, brown eyes, Armenian descent. They wave to
Ashot as they make their way to the orchards. Ashot smiles
and waves back as he enters the barracks.

CUT TO:


INT. LABOR CAMP BARRACKS. DAY

Exhausted, Ashot sits on the edge of his bunk, slowly
removing his shoes. Across the barracks, in the section
designated for Jewish prisoners, he spots Simon. Despite his
bandaged hand, Simon manages a wave with his uninjured hand.
Ashot returns the gesture, a small moment of camaraderie in
their harsh reality.

Suddenly, the quiet is disrupted as Officer Vogel storms in,
catching another guard asleep on duty. Ashot watches as Vogel
delivers a sharp slap to the sleeping guard's face before
forcefully escorting him out of the barracks. The swift and
stern action serves as a stark reminder of the oppressive
environment they endure.

After the disturbance, Ashot settles back onto his bunk. The
weight of the day's events, coupled with the constant strain
of survival, pulls him into a deep sleep, his body succumbing
to sheer exhaustion.

FADE TO BLACK.


EXT. LABOR CAMP APPLE ORCHARD. DAY

The sun is about to set Anna and Erin are placing their apple
baskets onto a cart. The soldiers are now rounding up the
women to head back to the barracks. Officer Krause approaches
Anna and Erin. Klarisa stares at him terrified.
34.


OFFICER KRAUSE
Alright ladies time to go.

Anna takes Eddie by the hand, they all turn to leave when
Officer Krause steps in and stops Anna.

OFFICER KRAUSE (CONT’D)
You wait here.

Anna hands Eddie off to Erin. Klarisa and Gayanne are
terrified.

KLARISA
(In Russian)
Mama, don’t go with him, he will
kill you!
ANNA
(In Russian)
He will kill me if I don’t. Go with
Erin and Gayanne I will be alright,
don’t worry. Go now!

Erin leads the children back to the barracks.

OFFICER KRAUSE
Please come with me.

Officer Krause leads Anna to an abandon barn set on a small
hill about fifty yards away.


INT. LABOR CAMP APPLE ORCHARD BARN. DAY

Krause partially closes the barn door behind them. He starts
to unbuckle his belt.


EXT. LABOR CAMP BARRACKS. DAY

Erin and the children are entering the barracks when Klarisa
turns and quickly heads back to the barn.

ERIN
Klarisa come back here!

Klarisa, with a heart pounding in her chest, approaches the
barn, the epicenter of her growing dread. She peers through
the partially open door, the gap offering her a window into a
scene of struggle and desperation. Inside, Officer Krause, a
figure of authority corrupted by power, is engaged in a
violent tussle with Anna, trying to overpower her with
brutish force.
35.


Mounted atop her, he delivers a harsh slap, an attempt to
beat her into submission, a display of dominance and cruelty
that chills the blood.

In this moment of terror and defiance, Klarisa's eyes catch
the glint of salvation—an old, rusted iron skillet, discarded
and almost forgotten, lying on the barn floor. It's an
unassuming weapon, but in her hands, it becomes an instrument
of retribution and desperation.

As Krause, consumed by his vile intent, positions himself for
penetration, a critical threshold is crossed. Driven by a
surge of adrenaline and protective fury, Klarisa springs into
action. She dashes forward, seizing the skillet with both
hands, its weight a tangible promise of vengeance. With a cry
that marries fear with resolve, she swings the skillet with
all her might, targeting the back of Krause's head.

The impact is thunderous, a sound that echoes through the
barn like a verdict. Officer Krause’s body, once a vessel of
violence, goes limp, a sudden stillness overtaking him as he
collapses under the force of Klarisa's desperate blow. In
that instant, the dynamics of predator and prey are reversed,
and Klarisa stands over him, both savior and avenger, her
breath heavy with the weight of what she has done.

KLARISA
Mama are you alive?

Anna pushes the unconscious Krause off of her, she rolls over
and gets on her feet.

ANNA
Klarisa what did you do? I think
you killed him.

KLARISA
I’m sorry Mama, I thought he was
killing you!

Klarisa starts to cry.

ANNA
Oh my God! What are we going to do?

Klarisa starts to cry louder.

ANNA (CONT’D)
Stop crying let me think!

Anna dusts herself off she leans over and grabs Krause’s
wrist feeling for a pulse. A moment passes, she picks up the
skillet and grabs Klarisa by the hand.
36.


ANNA (CONT’D)
Lets go, I know what to do!

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Historical Fiction","War"]

Summary In the peaceful setting of an apple orchard labor camp, a dark turn occurs. Officer Krause, a brutal guard, attempts to assault Anna, a young woman forced to work in the orchard. Witnessing this horrific act, Anna's daughter Klarisa, fueled by fierce love and courage, intervenes. Using a skillet as a weapon, she strikes Krause, knocking him unconscious. The scene concludes with the mother and daughter facing the consequences of Klarisa's act, unsure of Krause's fate and the potential ramifications of their actions.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Strong character development
  • Compelling conflict resolution
Weaknesses
  • Potentially triggering content
  • Violent themes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, emotionally charged, and pivotal in the story's development. It effectively conveys the high stakes and intense emotions of the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a young girl taking drastic action to save her mother in a wartime setting is compelling and adds depth to the narrative. It explores themes of power dynamics, survival instincts, and the consequences of violence.

Plot: 9

The plot is gripping, with a strong focus on the escalating tension and the characters' actions in the face of danger. The scene moves the story forward significantly and sets up future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the theme of survival in a wartime setting, with unique character dynamics and a gripping narrative that keeps the audience engaged.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their actions are driven by their motivations and relationships. Klarisa's bravery and Anna's protective instincts shine through, adding layers to their personalities.

Character Changes: 8

Klarisa undergoes a significant change in this scene, from a frightened young girl to a brave protector. Anna also shows her strength and determination in the face of danger.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect her mother and herself from harm, showcasing her bravery, loyalty, and sense of justice.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to survive the oppressive environment of the labor camp and protect her family from harm.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving power dynamics, violence, and the characters' struggle for survival. It keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing a powerful and corrupt authority figure, creating high stakes and uncertainty for the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are incredibly high in this scene, with the characters' lives on the line and the threat of violence looming. The outcome of the confrontation between Klarisa and Officer Krause has far-reaching consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major conflict, showcasing character development, and setting up future events. It adds depth to the narrative and raises the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, where a seemingly helpless character takes a bold and daring action to save her mother.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is evident in the abuse of power by Officer Krause and the characters' moral dilemma of standing up against injustice, even at the risk of their own safety.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, from fear and desperation to relief and triumph. The reunion between Klarisa and Anna is particularly poignant and heart-wrenching.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, adding depth to the scene. It captures the urgency and fear of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional stakes, high tension, and dramatic action that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of action that propels the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a dramatic scene in a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-paced structure that builds tension and suspense effectively, leading to a climactic moment of action and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and suspense as it unfolds, creating a sense of dread and urgency.
  • The use of visual and auditory cues, such as the darkness, the barn setting, and the sound of the skillet hitting Krause, adds depth and intensity to the scene.
  • The character development is strong, particularly with Klarisa's transformation from a terrified onlooker to a brave and decisive actor in the face of danger.
  • The scene effectively conveys the power dynamics at play, showcasing the abuse of authority by Officer Krause and the resilience of Anna and Klarisa.
  • The emotional impact of the scene is palpable, with moments of fear, desperation, and determination shining through the characters' actions and dialogue.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal monologue or emotional reactions from Anna and Klarisa to further explore their thoughts and feelings during the intense situation.
  • Enhance the description of the physical surroundings to create a more immersive setting and heighten the sense of danger and urgency.
  • Explore the aftermath of the confrontation between Klarisa and Officer Krause to delve into the emotional and psychological impact on the characters.
  • Consider incorporating more sensory details, such as smells, sounds, and tactile sensations, to deepen the reader's engagement with the scene.
  • Ensure the resolution of the conflict is satisfying and realistic, taking into account the consequences of Klarisa's actions on the characters and the overall narrative.



Scene 13 -  A New Life, A New Name
INT. LABOR CAMP BARRACKS. NIGHT

Klarisa sits in a wooden chair near her bunk bed. Anna has
dressed Klarisa in boy’s clothing, using scissors she makes
the final adjustment to Klarisa’s new boy haircut.

ANNA
What’s your name?

KLARISA
Klarisa.

ANNA
No!! You have to get it right, your
name is Harout!

KLARISA
Please Mama not Harout. What about
Michael?

ANNA
Alright Michael is good, just don’t
forget if a guard wants to know
your name say Michael! You
understand?

KLARISA
Yes Mama, I understand. My name is
Michael.

Anna combs her hair and raises a broken piece of mirror for
Klarisa to see herself. Klarisa looks at herself and begins
to tear up. Anna smiles trying to hold back her laughter.
Klarisa turns and looks at Anna who can’t hold it anymore.
ANNA
(Laughing)
Don’t worry, it will grow back. You
make a very cute boy!

Klarisa smiles and they both start to giggle. Klarisa
suddenly stops laughing.

KLARISA
Mama, I’m scared what if he’s not
dead? He’s going to come and kill
me.
37.


ANNA
Don’t be scared sweetie he doesn't
know you did it. I just hope no one
saw you go into the barn.



KLARISA
If I killed him, am I going to
hell?

ANNA
Absolutely not! Officer Krause was
a very bad man and you saved my
life. You did good, sweetie I love
you so much.

Anna in gratitude hugs and kisses Klarisa with all her being.

ANNA (CONT’D)
Tomorrow morning I start work in
the factory. You stay with the baby
and let Papa sleep. I will explain
to him what happened, If he asks
you what happened, tell him Officer
Krause was going to kill me so you
hit him on the head with the pan.
Do you understand?

KLARISA
Yes, Mama, I understand.

Eddie, sleeping in the bunk next to them, wakes up and looks
over to them. He stares at Klarisa very confused. Anna walks
over and helps Eddie out of bed. He waddles over to Klarisa
checking her out.

ANNA
Eddie this is your new brother
Michael!
Eddie reaches out asking Klarisa to take him in her arms.
Klarisa smiling picks him up hugging and kissing him.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Historical Drama","War"]

Summary Anna, Klarisa's mother, prepares her for a new life as a boy named Michael after Klarisa kills Officer Krause in self-defense. Anna cuts Klarisa's hair and gives her instructions on how to lie and maintain her disguise. She reassures Klarisa that Krause is dead and that she saved her life. The scene ends with Klarisa holding her baby brother, Eddie, and finding a moment of peace amidst the chaos.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Compelling plot progression
  • Poignant dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential for triggering content
  • Depiction of violence and assault

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally impactful, with strong character development and a compelling plot that keeps the audience engaged. The dialogue is poignant and reveals the depth of the characters' relationships.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a young girl disguising herself as a boy in a labor camp to protect her family is unique and adds depth to the story. It highlights the lengths people will go to survive in dire circumstances.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, focusing on the aftermath of a significant event (the assault on Anna) and the family's efforts to navigate the challenges they face. The scene moves the story forward and sets up future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on survival in a labor camp, with unique character dynamics and moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-rounded and undergo significant development, particularly Klarisa, who shows bravery and resilience in the face of danger. Anna's protective nature and Ashot's love for his family are also prominently displayed.

Character Changes: 8

Klarisa undergoes a significant transformation, from a scared young girl to a brave protector of her family. Anna also shows strength and resilience in the face of danger, deepening her character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

Klarisa's internal goal is to cope with fear and guilt after potentially killing Officer Krause. This reflects her deeper need for safety and acceptance, as well as her fear of punishment and moral consequences.

External Goal: 7

Klarisa's external goal is to maintain her new identity as Michael and protect her family from the consequences of her actions. This reflects the immediate challenge of survival and safety in the labor camp.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene contains internal and external conflicts, including the threat of discovery, the aftermath of the assault, and the family's struggle to protect each other. These conflicts drive the narrative and create tension.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, adding depth to the characters' struggles and decisions.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the family faces the threat of discovery, violence, and separation in a dangerous environment. The scene highlights the risks they take to protect each other and survive.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and conflicts for the characters to overcome. It sets up future developments and keeps the audience engaged in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the uncertain outcome of Klarisa's actions and the potential consequences she may face.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is evident in the moral dilemma of killing Officer Krause for self-defense. It challenges Klarisa's beliefs about right and wrong, as well as the value of human life in extreme circumstances.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and sadness to love and hope. The reunion between Klarisa and her family is particularly poignant, showcasing the strength of their bond amidst tragedy.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful, revealing the characters' emotions and relationships. It effectively conveys the tension and fear present in the scene, as well as moments of love and humor.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth, tension, and character development that keeps the audience invested in Klarisa's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, enhancing the overall impact of the character interactions and revelations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character motivations, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a sense of urgency and tension considering the gravity of the situation. The emotional impact of Klarisa having to disguise herself as a boy and the fear of being discovered by the guard is not fully explored.
  • The dialogue between Anna and Klarisa feels a bit forced and unnatural, especially when discussing Klarisa's new name and the explanation for her disguise. It could be more nuanced and emotionally resonant.
  • The transition from a light-hearted moment of laughter to a serious discussion about the potential consequences of Klarisa's actions is a bit abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the emotional continuity of the scene.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues to enhance the atmosphere and emotions, such as focusing on Klarisa's internal struggle and fear, Anna's protective instincts, and the vulnerability of their situation.
  • The resolution of the conflict with Officer Krause feels rushed and lacks a sense of closure. More emphasis could be placed on the aftermath of Klarisa's actions and the impact it has on her and her family.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more depth to Klarisa's emotional journey and the stakes of her disguise to create a more compelling and engaging narrative.
  • Refine the dialogue between Anna and Klarisa to make it more authentic and emotionally resonant, capturing the complexity of their relationship and the gravity of the situation.
  • Smooth out the transition between light-hearted moments and serious discussions to maintain the emotional flow of the scene and enhance the impact of the dialogue.
  • Enhance the visual storytelling by focusing on the characters' expressions, body language, and the environment to convey the tension, fear, and vulnerability of the situation.
  • Expand on the resolution of the conflict with Officer Krause to provide a more satisfying conclusion and explore the emotional aftermath of Klarisa's actions on her and her family.



Scene 14 -  The Contrasting Faces of War
INT. DAIMLER BENZ FACTORY .DAY

The upholstery division of the factory. Dozens of women labor
at sewing machines and cutting tables. Anna operates an old
fashion, foot powered sewing machine.
38.


She lines up a stitch for a tattered and torn parachute. She
pumps the machine and sews up the tear. Just as she cuts the
thread, the air raid sirens start to WAIL. Again, the factory
goes silent, the women look up waiting to hear planes coming
or bombs falling. A few moments pass, nothing happens and the
sirens go silent. Guards come around and order the women back
to work.

CUT TO:


EXT. STUTTGART GERMANY DOWNTOWN. DAY

A battalion of THREE HUNDRED AMERICAN SOLDIERS infiltrate a
city block of downtown Stuttgart. German soldiers are held up
in various buildings throughout the street. American tanks
roll up and begin to fire on a building across the way.
LIEUTENANT COLONEL GUARDHOUSE New York Irish, red faced, no
nonsense guy. Next to him is CAPTAIN RAMIREZ born in ELA,
tough as nails.

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
Take Company B and surround the
back of that building, let’s see if
we can flush those Nazi bastards
out.

CAPTAIN RAMERIZ
Yes sir, Colonel I’m on it!

Captain Ramirez takes about TEN SOLDIERS and heads towards
the rear of the building. The Germans open fire with machine
guns hitting a couple of American soldiers as they all
scatter and head for cover.

Lieutenant Guardhouse ducks behind a tank.

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
(Yells to Ramirez)
Stay where you’re at, I’m calling
in artillery!

He gets on his radio to call in artillery support.


Alpha rover to fox trot three over!

ARTILLERYMAN VO.
Go for fox trot three.

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE

Grid ES 923 945, fire for effect!
Over
39.


ARTILLERYMAN VO.
Grid ES 923 945 firing for effect!

A barrage of shells hit the building blowing it to
smithereens and silencing the German machine gun fire.
Quartermaster GEORGE MARDIKIAN, mid-forties, handsome and
formidable, approaches Lieutenant Guardhouse.

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
Hello George!

GEORGE MARDIKIAN
(Saluting)
Colonel Guardhouse sir! My men have
set up a mess tent behind a
building about a hundred yards
back.

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
Very good George Thank you we
appreciate your help.

George Mardikian turns and heads back to the mess tent. About
fifty feet from the tent he notices a very young shell
shocked AMERICAN SOLDIER sitting on the edge of a log with
his helmet removed. George approaches him, lifts him on his
feet from under his arm.

GEORGE MARDIKIAN
Come with me son.

George walks him over to the mess tent where approximately
ten chefs cook feverishly creating homemade meals for over
three hundred soldiers. He walks the young soldier to an open
spot at the table and orders a server to bring a meal. The
SERVER brings a turkey dinner with all the fixings. The young
mans eyes light up as he digs in voraciously.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["War","Drama"]

Summary The scene opens in a German Daimler Benz factory, where women sew parachutes under the shadow of air raid sirens. The scene then shifts to the chaotic battle in downtown Stuttgart, where American soldiers under Lieutenant Colonel Guardhouse engage in a fierce fight with German forces. The Americans utilize artillery to overcome the resistance, with Captain Ramirez leading the charge. Amidst the violence, the scene ends on a note of humanity as George Mardikian, a quartermaster, brings a shell-shocked soldier to the mess tent and offers him comfort and food, highlighting the contrast between the horrors of war and acts of compassion.
Strengths
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • Engaging plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Potentially triggering content
  • Violent and distressing scenes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the high stakes, emotional impact, and conflict present in a war setting, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of survival and resilience in the face of adversity is well-executed, with the scene effectively portraying the characters' struggles and their determination to overcome challenges.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging and well-developed, with a good balance of tension, emotion, and character dynamics. The scene moves the story forward significantly and sets up future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the impact of war on ordinary individuals, highlighting the resilience and courage of the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their emotions and motivations are effectively portrayed, making them relatable and compelling. The scene allows for character growth and development, especially in the face of adversity.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, particularly in terms of their resilience, determination, and relationships. The challenges they face lead to growth and development, shaping their future actions and decisions.

Internal Goal: 8

Anna's internal goal is to complete her task of sewing up the torn parachute despite the interruption of the air raid sirens. This reflects her determination and dedication to her work, as well as her ability to focus under pressure.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to follow orders and return to work after the air raid sirens go off. This reflects the immediate circumstances of the war and the need to prioritize safety and productivity.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as the characters face physical danger, emotional turmoil, and moral dilemmas. The high stakes and intense situations create a sense of urgency and tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the threat of war, the danger of the air raid, and the conflict between the American and German soldiers. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing life-threatening situations, emotional turmoil, and moral dilemmas. The outcome of their actions has significant consequences, adding tension and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, resolutions, and character dynamics. It sets up future events and developments, keeping the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden air raid sirens, the unexpected artillery support, and the emotional interactions between the characters. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the juxtaposition of the women's labor in the factory with the impending threat of war. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the value of their work in the face of danger and uncertainty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, eliciting feelings of fear, despair, hope, and joy as the characters navigate through challenging circumstances and emotional turmoil.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and serves to enhance the emotional depth of the scene, effectively conveying the characters' thoughts, feelings, and relationships. It also drives the plot forward and reveals important information.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, emotional depth, and relatable characters. The suspense and drama keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and description. The rhythm builds tension and keeps the audience engaged throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The transition from the factory scene to the American soldiers' attack in downtown Stuttgart feels abrupt and disjointed. There is a lack of smooth transition or connection between the two settings.
  • The introduction of Lieutenant Colonel Guardhouse and Captain Ramirez feels rushed and lacks depth in character development. More context or background information about these characters could enhance the scene.
  • The dialogue between Lieutenant Guardhouse and the artilleryman feels somewhat generic and could benefit from more specific military terminology or jargon to add authenticity.
  • The interaction between George Mardikian and the shell-shocked American soldier is touching, but the emotional impact could be heightened with more detailed descriptions of the soldier's state and George's empathy.
  • The scene lacks a clear focus or central conflict, making it feel somewhat disconnected from the overall narrative. Establishing a stronger sense of purpose or tension could help engage the audience more effectively.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the transition between the factory scene and the military attack to create a smoother flow between the two settings.
  • Develop the characters of Lieutenant Colonel Guardhouse and Captain Ramirez further to add depth and complexity to their roles in the scene.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Lieutenant Guardhouse and the artilleryman by incorporating more specific military terminology to increase authenticity.
  • Expand on the emotional impact of George Mardikian's interaction with the shell-shocked soldier by delving deeper into the soldier's state and George's empathy.
  • Clarify the central conflict or purpose of the scene to ensure it aligns with the overall narrative and engages the audience effectively.



Scene 15 -  Air Raid at the Camp
INT. LABOR CAMP BARRACKS. DAY

Ashot is fast asleep snoring in his bunk. Klarisa and Eddie
sit on the floor playing with some broken toys Klarisa has
her rag doll sitting with them as they play. Gayanne walks
down the barrack isle and approaches Klarisa.

GAYANNE
You look funny dressed as a boy.

Klarisa is not amused.
40.


GAYANNE (CONT’D)
My Mom said we could play outside
as long as we stay close by.

Klarisa turns and looks at Ashot who’s snoring away.

KLARISA
I guess it would be alright.

Klarisa grabs Eddie’s hand and follows Gayanne outside.


EXT. LABOR CAMP BARRACKS. DAY

A barren field in front of the barracks. Gayanne, Klarisa and
Eddie play kickball in a circle with THREE OTHER CHILDREN.
Klarisa kicks the ball to Eddie who picks it up and runs away
with it.

KLARISA
No Eddie! Kick it back.

From the distance we hear the DRONE of a squadron of
Luftwaffe fighter planes. They approach quickly flying very
low. Little Eddie drops the ball as he looks up to the planes
flying overhead. The air raid sirens go off and start to
WAIL. From a distance we see soldiers begin to usher the
workers out of the factory and into nearby bomb shelters.
Erin comes out of the barracks and leads the children into an
underground bomb shelter fifty yards from the barracks.

ERIN
Come on children, let’s go, hurry
up!


EXT. DAIMLER BENZ FACTORY. NIGHT

Anna and about thirty women laborers are lead out of the
factory to a nearby bomb shelter. Anna and a few other women
break off from the group and head for the barracks.
GUARD
Where are you going?

ANNA
To our children!

Anna from a distance sees Erin and the children enter the
Bomb shelter, she breaks into a sprint towards them.
41.


INT. BOMB SHELTER. DAY

The bomb shelter is a hole dug into the side of a hill it is
approximately eight feet deep, fifteen feet wide by thirty
feet long. Anna enters and approaches Erin and the children.
Eddie runs up and hugs her scared by all the commotion. Anna
looks over to Klarisa. From overhead we hear the ROAR of a
squadron of B-52 bombers approaching.



ANNA
Where is your father?

KLARISA
He’s still inside Mama!

In the distance, we hear the WHISTLE of bombs dropping from
the sky.


EXT. BOMB SHELTER. DAY

Anna sprints back to the barracks and enters through the main
entrance of the barracks.


INT. LABOR CAMP BARRACKS. DAY

Anna enters the barracks winded from sprinting, Ashot lies on
the bunk fast asleep.

ANNA
Ashot wake up!

She leans over and gives him a quick shake , Ashot springs up
in panic.

ASHOT
What? What happened?

A bomb falls and explodes near the barrack window. Ashot
awake now realizes what’s happening, he grabs Anna’s hand and
leads her out of the building.

CUT TO:


EXT. LABOR CAMP BARRACKS. DAY

A bomb has exploded destroying a section of the factory and
setting everything ablaze. Ashot and Anna exit the barracks
and run towards the bomb shelter.
42.


Just as they exit a bomb falls through the center of the
barrack building and explodes. Ashot turns to see a fire
burning inside the building, he turns around and heads back
into the burning structure.

ANNA
Ashot! Where are you going? Come
back here!

ASHOT
There are people still in there!

Ashot sprints back and enters the burning barracks.
Genres: ["Drama","War"]

Summary A day of carefree play for Klarisa, Eddie, and Gayanne at the labor camp is interrupted by the arrival of Luftwaffe fighter planes. Air raid sirens blare, sending everyone scrambling for shelter. Anna desperately tries to reach her children, but a guard stops her. Ashot, oblivious to the danger, sleeps soundly in the barracks until Anna wakes him. A bomb explodes nearby, and Ashot finally realizes the gravity of the situation. A bomb hits the factory, and Ashot, ignoring the danger, rushes back into the burning building to save those trapped inside.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Emotional depth
  • Bravery of characters
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, emotional, and impactful, effectively conveying the high stakes and danger faced by the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a bombing raid during wartime is well-executed, creating a sense of urgency and danger.

Plot: 9

The plot is driven by the imminent danger of the bombing raid, creating tension and showcasing the characters' bravery and determination.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the impact of war on families, with authentic dialogue and actions that feel true to the setting and time period.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show courage, love for family, and a willingness to sacrifice for each other, adding depth and emotion to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters show bravery and selflessness in the face of danger, showcasing their growth and resilience.

Internal Goal: 9

Klarisa's internal goal is to protect her family and ensure their safety during the air raid. This reflects her deeper need for security and stability in a chaotic and dangerous environment.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to survive the air raid and protect her family from harm. This reflects the immediate circumstances of the bombing and the challenges they face in the labor camp.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters' desire to protect each other and the imminent danger of the bombing raid creates tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing life-threatening danger and moral dilemmas that keep the audience guessing.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the bombing raid and the characters' efforts to protect each other raise the tension and urgency of the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting the characters' bravery and the challenges they face during wartime.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden air raid, unexpected actions of the characters, and the constant threat of danger.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between the value of self-preservation and the value of sacrificing oneself for others. This challenges Klarisa's beliefs about the importance of family and community in times of crisis.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, desperation, and hope, making it emotionally impactful.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal but effective in conveying the urgency and fear of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional conflict, and fast-paced action that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, escalating the action, and maintaining a sense of urgency throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a wartime drama, with a clear setup, rising tension, and a dramatic climax.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from a peaceful moment of Klarisa and Eddie playing to the chaos of an air raid, which can be disorienting for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Gayanne and Klarisa feels a bit forced and lacks depth, missing an opportunity to explore their relationship further.
  • The sudden introduction of the Luftwaffe fighter planes and air raid sirens adds tension to the scene, but the transition could be smoother to build up the suspense effectively.
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and character development, especially in the midst of a high-stakes situation like an air raid.
  • The actions of the characters, such as Anna sprinting back and forth between the barracks and bomb shelter, feel rushed and could benefit from more nuanced reactions and interactions.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more build-up to the air raid to create a gradual increase in tension and suspense.
  • Develop the dialogue between Gayanne and Klarisa to reveal more about their characters and relationship dynamics.
  • Smooth out the transitions between different moments in the scene to ensure a cohesive flow of events.
  • Focus on the emotional impact of the air raid on the characters, especially Anna and Ashot, to deepen the audience's connection to the story.
  • Provide more nuanced reactions and interactions between the characters to make the scene feel more authentic and engaging.



Scene 16 -  Tragedy in the Flames
INT. LABOR CAMP BARRACKS. DAY

The building is a scene of chaos, its center engulfed in
towering flames after a bomb blast tore through the roof,
leaving a gaping hole. Flames consume one of the few
remaining support beams, threatening the integrity of the
structure. Amid the destruction, Ashot bravely enters the
building. He looks down the center aisle and spots Simon, who
is desperately crawling forward using his elbows to propel
himself across the floor.

Through the thick, swirling smoke, Simon glances up and
catches sight of Ashot. Their eyes meet in a moment of shared
urgency, a silent communication amidst the roar of fire and
the imminent danger surrounding them.

SIMON
Ashot!

Navigating through the hellish inferno, with burning wood
crackling and parts of the roof intermittently collapsing
around him, Ashot makes his way to Simon. He swiftly helps
him to his feet and, realizing Simon's inability to walk,
hoists him onto his shoulder. Together, they maneuver through
the chaos toward the exit.

Just as they reach the door, shouts for help echo from the
back corner of the building, piercing through the noise of
the blaze. Ashot sets Simon down safely outside the barracks
and, without a moment's hesitation, turns back to re-enter
the perilous, collapsing structure.

Inside, he finds Officer Vogel, the man who had imposed fear
on many, now helpless and pinned under a heavy wooden beam.
The tables have turned dramatically, with Vogel trapped
amidst the very chaos he once controlled.

OFFICER VOGEL
Help! Help, me please! I’m trapped!
43.


Ashot tries to approach Officer Vogel but is stopped by a
falling wood beam. Officer Vogel is now surrounded by flames.
Ashot steps back.

OFFICER VOGAL
Please don’t leave! Help me please!



As Ashot assesses the situation, the main roof beam, fully
engulfed in flames, suddenly snaps. It crashes down directly
onto Vogel, crushing him beneath its fiery weight. The
finality of the moment is stark and immediate, leaving no
room for intervention.

Realizing the perilous instability of the building and the
inevitability of its collapse, Ashot quickly turns back
toward the exit. As he runs down the aisle, dodging debris
and leaping over obstacles, he spots his sack with the tea
kettle attached. With practiced haste, he grabs it, clutching
the familiar items that have become essential for his
survival.
Genres: ["Drama","War"]

Summary A fire engulfs a labor camp barracks, leaving Ashot to face a harrowing rescue mission. He courageously enters the burning building, saving Simon from injury and carrying him to safety. Returning to help Officer Vogel, trapped under a beam, Ashot is left helpless as the collapsing roof crushes the officer. Despite Vogel's pleas for help, Ashot is forced to escape the doomed building, marking a tragic loss amidst the chaos and flames.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Intense emotional impact
  • High stakes and tension
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Some predictable elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, emotional, and impactful, with strong character development and high stakes. The heroism displayed by Ashot adds depth and tension to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of sacrifice and heroism is effectively portrayed through Ashot's actions, adding depth to the narrative and showcasing the harsh realities of war.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging and suspenseful, with a clear focus on Ashot's bravery and the dangerous situation he faces. The scene moves the story forward and adds layers to the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its portrayal of a chaotic and dangerous situation, the reversal of power dynamics, and the emotional complexity of the characters' actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Ashot, are well-developed and their actions are in line with their motivations and personalities. The emotional impact of the scene is heightened by the strong character dynamics.

Character Changes: 8

Ashot undergoes a significant character change as he puts others' lives before his own, showcasing his bravery and selflessness. This experience shapes his character arc.

Internal Goal: 9

Ashot's internal goal is to save as many people as possible, reflecting his deep desire to help others and his fear of leaving anyone behind.

External Goal: 8

Ashot's external goal is to rescue Simon and Officer Vogel from the burning building, reflecting the immediate challenge of the dangerous situation they are in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing physical danger and moral dilemmas. The tension is palpable, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition rating is strong as Ashot faces physical danger, moral dilemmas, and the unpredictability of the collapsing building.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with lives on the line and the characters facing imminent danger. The outcome of Ashot's actions has significant consequences for the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new challenges, deepening character relationships, and setting up future conflicts. It adds layers to the narrative and keeps the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists, turns, and moral choices that challenge the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict is evident in the reversal of roles between Officer Vogel and Ashot, highlighting the themes of power, control, and vulnerability.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, particularly through Ashot's selfless actions and the high stakes involved. The reunion and sacrifice elements add to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal but impactful, conveying the urgency and tension of the situation. It effectively enhances the emotional depth of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, emotional stakes, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, escalating conflict, and delivering a satisfying resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, building tension, escalating conflict, and resolving with a dramatic climax.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys the chaos and danger of the labor camp barracks engulfed in flames after a bomb blast.
  • The tension and urgency are palpable as Ashot bravely enters the burning building to rescue Simon and Officer Vogel.
  • The silent communication between Ashot and Simon adds depth to their relationship and the dire situation they are in.
  • The scene effectively builds suspense as Ashot navigates through the inferno to save Simon and confront Officer Vogel.
  • The moment of Officer Vogel's demise is impactful and serves as a dramatic turning point in the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere of the burning building, such as the smell of smoke, the heat of the flames, and the sound of crackling fire.
  • Explore the emotional turmoil Ashot may be experiencing as he risks his life to save others, adding layers to his character development.
  • Provide more insight into Officer Vogel's character to create a more nuanced dynamic between him and Ashot during their final interaction.
  • Consider incorporating internal monologue or dialogue to reveal Ashot's thoughts and feelings as he navigates the dangerous environment.
  • Ensure a clear resolution or aftermath to the scene to show the impact of Ashot's actions and the consequences of the building collapse.



Scene 17 -  Escape from the Ruins
EXT. LABOR CAMP BARRACKS. DAY

Ashot comes barrelling out of the building just as the
structure implodes . He runs through the field heading for
the bomb shelter. Bombs explode on each side of him as he
jumps feet first into the entrance of the shelter.

CUT TO:


INT. BOMB SHELTER. DAY

Ashot lands on his feet still holding on to the sack and
kettle. Anna takes the sack out of his hand and hugs him.

ANNA
Are you alright?

ASHOT
I think so?

Ashot looks around the bomb shelter.

ASHOT (CONT’D)
Where are the guards?

KLARISA
They left! I saw them change their
clothes.
44.


Klarisa turns and points to the German uniforms piled up in
the corner.

ASHOT
God Damn cowards! This means the
Russians are here. We better go I
don’t want anything to do with
those communist bastards.

CUT TO:


EXT. BOMB SHELTER. DAY

Klarisa and Ashot have exited the shelter. From inside the
shelter, Anna hands the baby to Ashot then climbs out onto
the field. The factory has been hit with about a half dozen
bombs. It burns in the background as Ashot and his family
make their way to the main road.

FADE TO BLACK.


EXT. STUTTGART GERMANY DOWNTOWN. NIGHT

The scene opens with a haunting aerial shot, gliding down the
center of a war-ravaged street. The aftermath of conflict is
palpable, with buildings still smoldering on either side. In
the eerie light, burning street lamps line the road, casting
an unsettling glow reminiscent of an airport runway.

Descending to street level, the camera reveals Ashot and his
family, tightly huddled together, navigating through this
desolate landscape. Their somber expressions reflect the
horrors they have endured and the uncertain future they face.

Nearby, an elderly Russian soldier, his face marked by the
loss of an eye, busies himself with a grim task. He wraps a
tattered Nazi flag around a stick, dips it into a vat of
gasoline, and ignites it, creating a makeshift torch. With a
resolute turn, he approaches a Nazi commander, already
hanging by his neck from a lamp post. The soldier thrusts the
flaming torch under the gasoline-soaked boots of the hanging
figure, which immediately erupts into a fierce ball of
flames.

Down the street, the ghastly sight continues—a row of German
soldiers, each hanging by the neck, each engulfed in flames
from the burning lamps.
45.


As Ashot and Anna pass by this grim display, they shield
their children's eyes, hurrying past the burning corpses,
eager to leave behind the remnants of brutal retribution and
continue their journey towards whatever semblance of peace
might still be possible.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","War","Historical"]

Summary Ashot narrowly escapes the destruction of his labor camp barracks, finding refuge with his family in a bomb shelter. Upon discovering the guards have fled, they realize the Russians are in control and flee the devastated city, witnessing the brutal aftermath of war with burning corpses of German soldiers. Desperate for safety, Ashot and his family continue their perilous journey through the war-torn landscape.
Strengths
  • Emotional impact
  • Resilience of characters
  • Post-war setting
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is powerful, emotionally charged, and impactful, effectively conveying the horrors of war and the resilience of the human spirit.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of survival, family bonds, and the aftermath of war is well-executed, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and moves the story forward, showcasing the family's journey through a war-torn landscape and their reunion amidst chaos.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the horrors of war, with authentic character actions and dialogue that add to its originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their emotions are palpable, especially in the moments of reunion and resilience.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo emotional changes, from fear and desperation to hope and resilience, especially in the moments of reunion and survival.

Internal Goal: 9

Ashot's internal goal is to protect his family and ensure their safety in the midst of the war. This reflects his deeper need for security and love for his family.

External Goal: 8

Ashot's external goal is to escape the immediate danger of the bombs and navigate through the war-torn environment to reach safety.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict is high, with the characters facing physical danger, emotional turmoil, and the aftermath of war.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing difficult challenges and uncertain outcomes, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with the characters facing physical danger, emotional turmoil, and the aftermath of war.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by showcasing the family's journey through a war-torn landscape and their reunion amidst chaos.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in the characters' actions and the volatile war environment.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is evident in the clash between Ashot's disdain for the communist Russians and his desire to avoid them, reflecting his values and beliefs shaped by the war.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, from fear and desperation to hope and resilience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and conveys the characters' emotions and struggles effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense action, emotional depth, and high stakes for the characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, enhancing the visual impact and flow of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively building tension and emotion through the sequence of events.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a high-intensity moment of Ashot escaping a collapsing building, which creates a sense of urgency and danger. However, the transition to the bomb shelter feels abrupt and lacks a smooth flow.
  • The dialogue between Ashot and Anna is somewhat lacking in emotional depth considering the intense situation they are in. More emotional reactions and interactions could enhance the impact of the scene.
  • The visual description of the war-ravaged street in Stuttgart is vivid and sets a haunting tone, but the transition from the bomb shelter to this new setting could be smoother to maintain the continuity of the narrative.
  • The depiction of the retribution scene with the burning German soldiers is powerful and adds a layer of darkness to the scene, but it could be further integrated into the overall narrative to enhance its impact.
  • The ending of the scene, with Ashot and Anna shielding their children's eyes from the gruesome sight, is a poignant moment that effectively conveys the family's desire to protect their children from the horrors of war.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the transition between Ashot escaping the collapsing building and entering the bomb shelter to create a smoother narrative flow.
  • Enhance the emotional depth of the dialogue between Ashot and Anna to reflect the intensity of the situation and their bond as a family.
  • Ensure a seamless transition from the bomb shelter to the war-ravaged street in Stuttgart to maintain the coherence of the scene.
  • Integrate the retribution scene with the burning German soldiers more effectively into the narrative to enhance its impact on the overall story.
  • Continue to explore the theme of family protection and resilience in the face of adversity, as shown by Ashot and Anna shielding their children from the brutal aftermath of war.



Scene 18 -  A Moment of Hope, Shattered by Violence
EXT. OUTSKIRTS OF STUTTGART GERMANY. NIGHT

Ashot and family are a few miles out of the city limits .
Most of the houses along the road have been destroyed or have
been abandoned by their occupants. Exhausted from walking all
day Ashot stops in front of an abandoned farmhouse.

KLARISA
Papa I’m hungry!

ASHOT
I know sweetie. I’ll find us some
food.

Ashot looks over to the farmhouse and then back to Anna

ASHOT (CONT’D)
This is a good place to get some
rest. I’m going to go take a look,
wait here.

Ashot runs to the back of the farmhouse. He notices a
kerosene lamp placed on the ground near the door. He lights
the lamp and enters through the back door.

CUT TO:


INT. ABANDONED FARM HOUSE. NIGHT

The house has been ransacked, furniture toppled over, cabinet
doors left open. Ashot clears a path to the front door he
opens the door and waves Anna and the children to come in.

Anna, Klarisa and Eddie enter the house.

ASHOT
I’m going to check the kitchen for
some food.

Ashot enters the kitchen and begins checking the cabinets, he
finds all of them are bare. He opens the pantry door to find
more of the same. Frustrated he sets the kerosene lamp on the
floor and falls to his hands and knees.
46.


His medallion hangs out of his shirt he grabs it and secures
it back under his t-shirt. Looking down at the pantry floor
he notices a gap in the wood floor. Pressing on a corner of
the pantry floor a wood plank raises up exposing a secret
compartment filled with canned food. He pulls out a couple of
cans of beans.

ASHOT (CONT’D)
Anna come here I found some food.

Anna enters the kitchen with the children.

ANNA
Oh my God! Thank you Jesus!

Ashot looks around the kitchen and finds a wood burning
stove.

ASHOT
I’ll get some wood.

Anna finds a candle and lights it.

ANNA
I’ll see if I can find a pot or
something.

EXPLOSIONS and GUNFIRE can be heard outside near the house.
Ashot turns off the kerosene lamp and Anna quickly blows out
the candle.

ASHOT
(whispering)
No one make a sound!

FADE TO BLACK:



FADE IN:
Genres: ["Drama","Historical Fiction","War"]

Summary Exhausted from their journey, Ashot and his family find refuge in a dilapidated farmhouse. While Ashot searches for food, he stumbles upon a hidden stash in the pantry. Their newfound hope is quickly dashed by the terrifying sounds of explosions and gunfire outside. The family huddles in darkness, their future uncertain.
Strengths
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension and suspense
  • Resilience theme
Weaknesses
  • Limited exploration of secondary characters
  • Slightly predictable plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys a range of emotions and tensions, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey. The mix of fear, relief, and hope creates a compelling narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of finding unexpected resources in a time of need and the theme of family unity in the midst of chaos are well-executed. The scene effectively portrays the characters' survival instincts and determination.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as the characters find shelter and food in the abandoned farmhouse, setting the stage for their next steps in the story. The introduction of the secret compartment adds intrigue and depth to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to the theme of survival in a war-torn setting, with authentic character actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' actions and reactions in the scene are authentic and relatable, showcasing their strength and vulnerability. The bond between the family members is palpable, adding emotional depth to the story.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo subtle changes in the scene, particularly in their resourcefulness and determination to survive. Ashot's discovery of the secret compartment and Anna's quick thinking demonstrate their adaptability and strength.

Internal Goal: 8

Ashot's internal goal is to provide for and protect his family. This reflects his deeper need for security and safety for his loved ones.

External Goal: 7

Ashot's external goal is to find food and shelter for his family in the abandoned farmhouse. This reflects the immediate challenge of survival they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene primarily stems from the external threats of explosions and gunfire, as well as the characters' struggle to find food and shelter. The tension is heightened by the sense of danger and uncertainty.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the threat of danger from outside forces adding to the characters' challenges.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters navigate a war-torn landscape, facing external threats and the constant struggle for survival. The safety and well-being of the family members are at risk, adding tension and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by providing a crucial moment of respite and planning for the characters. It sets the stage for their next steps in the narrative, hinting at the challenges and obstacles they will face.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden explosions and gunfire, adding a sense of danger and uncertainty.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict is between the values of survival and morality. Ashot must balance the need to steal food to feed his family with his moral compass.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, ranging from fear and tension to relief and hope. The reunion of the family members and their resilience in the face of adversity tug at the heartstrings.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, enhancing the tension and drama of the scene. The whispered exchanges during the explosions add to the sense of urgency and danger.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional tension, and the characters' relatable struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense as Ashot searches for food.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency and danger despite the setting being in a war-torn area with explosions and gunfire heard outside.
  • The dialogue feels a bit generic and could be more impactful to convey the characters' emotions and the gravity of their situation.
  • The visual description could be enhanced to create a more vivid and immersive setting, especially in conveying the destruction and chaos of the war-torn environment.
  • The transition from the exterior to the interior of the farmhouse could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • There is a missed opportunity to build tension and suspense as the family seeks refuge in the abandoned farmhouse.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more descriptive language to evoke the sense of danger and urgency in the scene.
  • Enhance the dialogue to reflect the characters' emotions, fears, and exhaustion in the face of the war-torn environment.
  • Provide more visual details to paint a vivid picture of the abandoned farmhouse and the surrounding destruction.
  • Work on the pacing of the scene to create a gradual buildup of tension and suspense as the family seeks shelter in the farmhouse.
  • Consider adding elements of conflict or obstacles within the scene to heighten the stakes and engage the audience.



Scene 19 -  A Moment of Grace
INT. ABANDONED FARM HOUSE. NIGHT

Ashot and Anna have brought the kitchen to a somewhat better
condition. The wood stove is now burning at full force. The
children are laid out on blankets sleeping on the kitchen
floor. Anna pours a cup a tea with her kettle.

ANNA
Where are we going to go? The food
will run out in a couple of days.
47.


ASHOT
We have to find out where the
Armenians are?

ANNA
How are we going to do that?

ASHOT
I saw an American jeep, tomorrow we
ask the American soldiers. They
will know where they are.

ANNA
I hope you’re right!

CUT TO:


EXT. OUTSKIRTS OF STUTTGART GERMANY. MORNING

Ashot, Anna and children are walking on the side of a gravel
road. It’s a rural area with a few farms spread out
throughout the locality. It is very quiet, all that’s heard
is the sound of their shoes CRUNCHING the gravel as they
walk. Ashot hearing something suddenly stops.

ASHOT
Be quiet do you hear that?

ANNA
I don’t hear anything!

ASHOT
Shush!

From the distance, we faintly hear the SQUEAKS and RUMBLE of
tank tracks traveling on the road.

ASHOT (CONT’D)
Tanks are coming! We have to hide
if it’s the Russians they will send
us to Siberia!

Ashot leads his family towards the nearest farm house.
Approaching the rear of the house he looks for a storage
cellar to hide in. He sees some large bushes between the
house and the barn. Hidden between the bushes is a wooden
trap door. He lifts the wooden door exposing a set of wooden
steps leading to the storage cellar. Ashot leans in to take a
look inside.

ASHOT (CONT’D)
Hello anyone in there?
48.


Ashot hears some RUSTLING down from inside the cellar.

ASHOT (CONT’D)
I can hear you! Come out with your
hands up!

Ashot hears the VOICE of a YOUNG GERMAN SOLDIER.

YOUNG GERMAN SOLDIER
Please don’t shoot, I’m unarmed!


We see the blonde, blue eyed teenager as he emerges from the
darkness of the cellar.

ASHOT
It’s alright, I’m not going to hurt
you. Come out of there!

The young soldier climbs out into the daylight wearing
oversized civilian clothing.

ASHOT (CONT’D)
What’s your name?

YOUNG GERMAN SOLDIER
Ludwig.

ASHOT
My name is Ashot.

Ludwig extends his hand. Ashot firmly shakes hands.

LUDWIG
Nice to meet you.

ASHOT
I’m going to need your help Ludwig,
the Russians will be here in a few
minutes and if I could find you I’m
sure they will too.
LUDWIG
What do you want me to do?

ASHOT
See that big bush over there, pull
it out and bring it over here.

Ashot waves Anna and the children to come over to the cellar.
As they approach, Anna pulls out a candle from her bag and
lights it as she enters the cellar.
49.


ASHOT (CONT’D)
Anna see if you can find some rope
or twine.

Ludwig comes back with the bush. Anna climbs the steps out of
the cellar and hands Ashot a piece of rope. Ashot quickly
ties the rope around the roots of the bush. He places the end
of the rope through a hole in the wooden cellar door. He
hears the VOICES of the Russian soldiers as they approach.

ASHOT (CONT’D)
Hurry up get inside be very quiet!

RUSSIAN SOLDIER #1 Exits the rear door of the house
brandishing his rifle while RUSSIAN SOLDIERS #2 and #3
approach from around the side of the house.


RUSSIAN SOLDIER #1
The house is all clear!

From inside the cellar Ashot pulls the rope drawing the bush
over the cellar door and camouflaging the entrance. Russian
soldiers #1 and #2 walk right up to the bush and start to
look around.

RUSSIAN SOLDIER #2
Let’s take a look in the barn

Russian soldier #1 heads towards the barn.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","War"]

Summary Fearing the approaching Russian tanks, Ashot and Anna desperately seek refuge for their family. They discover a hidden cellar in a farmhouse and are aided by a young German soldier, Ludwig, who agrees to cover their entrance. Just as Russian soldiers arrive, Ashot manages to conceal the cellar with a bush, leaving their fate hanging in the balance.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Realistic portrayal of survival instincts
  • Engaging plot development
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue may limit character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged with the family's plight and the imminent danger they face.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of seeking refuge in a cellar and enlisting the help of a young German soldier adds depth to the story and creates a sense of urgency and survival.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, focusing on the family's struggle to evade capture and survive in a war-torn environment.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the aftermath of World War II, blending elements of survival, war, and human connection in a unique setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are portrayed realistically, with Ashot taking charge of the situation and Anna showing resilience in the face of danger.

Character Changes: 6

Ashot and Anna demonstrate their resourcefulness and determination to protect their family, showcasing their growth in the face of adversity.

Internal Goal: 8

Ashot's internal goal is to protect his family and find safety amidst the chaos of war. This reflects his deeper need for security and survival.

External Goal: 7

Ashot's external goal is to hide from the approaching Russian soldiers and avoid being sent to Siberia. This reflects the immediate challenge of survival and evading capture.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the family and the approaching Russian soldiers creates a high-stakes situation that drives the tension in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the threat of capture by Russian soldiers creating a sense of danger and urgency for the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of evading capture by Russian soldiers and the family's survival add intensity to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by showing the family's continued journey and the challenges they face in a war-torn environment.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected encounter with the young German soldier, adding a new layer of complexity to the characters' predicament.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between the characters' desire for freedom and safety versus the oppressive presence of the Russian soldiers. This challenges their beliefs in justice and autonomy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, hope, and tension in the audience, drawing them into the family's struggle for survival.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal but serves its purpose in conveying the urgency and tension of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, strategic character actions, and high stakes that keep the audience invested in the characters' survival.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building suspense through strategic pauses, character actions, and dialogue that keep the audience on edge.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, building tension through character actions and dialogue, leading to a climactic moment of suspense.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and suspense as Ashot and his family hide from approaching tanks, creating a sense of urgency and danger.
  • The interaction between Ashot and the young German soldier, Ludwig, adds depth to the scene and showcases Ashot's resourcefulness and quick thinking.
  • The use of the bush to camouflage the cellar entrance is a clever and realistic way for the family to hide from the Russian soldiers, adding a layer of realism to the scene.
  • The dialogue and actions of the characters effectively convey the fear and desperation of the situation, especially as the Russian soldiers come closer to discovering the hidden cellar.
  • The scene effectively sets up a cliffhanger ending with the Russian soldiers approaching the hidden cellar, leaving the audience on edge and eager to see the outcome.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for Ashot and Anna to further deepen their characters and provide insight into their mindset during this tense situation.
  • Explore the possibility of adding more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere of the scene, such as describing the sounds of the approaching tanks or the tension in the air.
  • Consider incorporating more visual descriptions to paint a vivid picture of the setting and actions taking place, helping to immerse the reader in the scene.
  • Ensure that the pacing of the scene remains consistent, balancing the moments of tension with moments of character development and interaction.
  • Consider adding a resolution to the cliffhanger ending in the next scene to provide closure and keep the story moving forward.



Scene 20 -  Escape and Departure
INT. STORAGE CELLAR. DAY

A few beams of sunlight shine through cracks in the cellar
door. Eddie starts to fidget and begins to sob. Just as he
lets out a cry, Anna covers his mouth.
CUT TO:


EXT. REAR OF FARMHOUSE. DAY



RUSSIAN SOLDIER #3
Did you hear that? It sounded like
a baby.

RUSSIAN SOLDIER #2
You’re hearing things!
50.


RUSSIAN SOLDIER #3
I swear I heard a baby cry! You
didn’t hear it?

Russian Soldier #1 returns from the barn.

RUSSIAN SOLDIER #1
The barn is all clear. What’s going
on?

RUSSIAN SOLDIER #2
He thinks he heard a baby cry.

RUSSIAN SOLDIER #1
I didn’t hear anything.

RUSSIAN SOLDIER #2
Fuck the baby let’s get out of
here!

The Russian soldiers return to their battalion, we hear the
tank’s engine ROAR back to life as they continue down the
road.

CUT TO:


INT. STORAGE CELLAR. DAY

Inside the cellar Ashot has his finger to his mouth shushing
the Baby. Eddie stares back confused but conforming. Anna
removes her hand from his mouth. Eddie takes a deep breath
and remains quiet. Ashot waits a few moments as the sound of
TANK TRACKS dissipates. He pushes the cellar door open and
exits.

CUT TO:


EXT. REAR OF FARMHOUSE. DAY

Anna hands Eddie up to Ashot. They all exit the cellar.
Ludwig humbly looks down when Anna looks at him.

ASHOT
This is my wife Anna, my children
Klarisa and Eddie. This is Ludwig.

Ludwig graciously puts out his hand.

LUDWIG
Pleasure to meet you Frauen.
51.


ANNA
Nice to meet you Ludwig.

ASHOT
Ludwig you should hide here for the
next few days eventually the
Russians will leave.

Ashot takes the sack off of Anna’s shoulder, opens it and
hands Ludwig a can of beans.



ASHOT (CONT’D)
Here take this, it should last a
couple of days.
Ludwig refuses signalling with his hands.

LUDWIG
Oh no, I couldn’t, you have young
children!

Ashot tosses the can at him forcing him to catch it.

ASHOT
Take it, we have more.

LUDWIG
Thank you very much! God bless you!

ASHOT
God bless you. You’re going to need
it!

LUDWIG
Where are you going?

Ashot swings the sack over his shoulder, grabs Klarisa’s hand
and turns to leave.
ASHOT
I have to find my people.

Klarisa turns and waves goodbye as they head back to the
road. Ludwig meekly waves back.

FADE TO BLACK.
Genres: ["Drama","War"]

Summary Russian soldiers search a farmhouse for resistance, unaware of Ashot, Anna, Klarisa, and Eddie hiding in the cellar. After the soldiers leave, the family emerges and escapes. Ashot introduces his family to Ludwig, a stranger, and gives him food before leaving to find his people, leaving Ludwig alone with an uncertain future.
Strengths
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • Tense and suspenseful atmosphere
  • Resilience and hope as central themes
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Certain plot points may feel predictable or cliched

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys a range of emotions and tensions, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey. The themes of survival and resilience are powerfully portrayed, making it a compelling and impactful scene.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of survival and family unity in the midst of war is well-executed, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles and triumphs. The introduction of hidden shelters and acts of kindness adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as the family navigates through dangerous situations, facing challenges and making difficult decisions to ensure their survival. The introduction of new characters and conflicts adds layers to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of survival during wartime, with nuanced character interactions and moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, each displaying resilience, courage, and love in the face of adversity. Their interactions and relationships drive the emotional core of the scene, making them relatable and compelling.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant changes as they adapt to new circumstances and make difficult decisions to ensure their survival. Their experiences shape their growth and resilience, adding depth to their arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to remain calm and quiet in order to avoid detection by the Russian soldiers. This reflects his deeper need for survival and protection of his family.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to evade the Russian soldiers and find safety for his family. This reflects the immediate challenge of escaping the soldiers' notice.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, from the threat of discovery to the dangers of war. The characters face challenges that test their strength and determination, adding tension and suspense to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the Russian soldiers posing a threat to the protagonists' safety. The uncertainty of their discovery adds to the tension.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters face life-threatening situations, from the threat of discovery to the dangers of war. Their decisions and actions have significant consequences, adding urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges, conflicts, and relationships that impact the characters' journey. It sets the stage for further developments and resolutions in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected moral choices made by the characters and the tension of evading the Russian soldiers. The audience is unsure of the characters' fates.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between self-preservation and altruism. Ashot wants to help Ludwig by giving him food, but Ludwig hesitates due to his concern for Ashot's family.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and tension to joy and gratitude. The characters' struggles and triumphs resonate with the audience, creating a strong emotional connection and investment in their journey.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, motivations, and relationships. It adds depth to the interactions and helps to build tension and suspense throughout the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, moral dilemmas, and character dynamics. The audience is invested in the characters' survival and the outcome of their interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, as well as allowing for moments of character development and interaction.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting. The formatting enhances the readability of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The tension and suspense in the scene are well-established, especially with the Russian soldiers searching for any sign of resistance and the family hiding in the cellar.
  • The use of sound, such as Eddie's cry and the tank tracks, adds to the atmosphere of fear and urgency in the scene.
  • The interaction between Ashot, Anna, and Ludwig is well-written, showing a sense of gratitude and kindness amidst the chaos of war.
  • The scene effectively conveys the fear of being discovered by the Russian soldiers and the family's desperate attempt to remain hidden.
  • The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and help to build the tension throughout the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for the characters, especially Ashot and Anna, to further deepen the audience's connection with them.
  • Explore the possibility of incorporating more visual cues or descriptions to enhance the setting and atmosphere of the scene.
  • Perhaps add a moment of reflection or vulnerability for Ashot and Anna after the immediate danger has passed, to show the emotional toll of their situation.
  • Consider expanding on Ludwig's character to provide more depth and complexity to his interactions with the family.
  • Ensure that the pacing of the scene remains consistent to maintain the tension and suspense effectively.



Scene 21 -  A Fork in the Road and a Flash of Trauma
EXT. RURAL ROAD OUTSKIRTS OF STUTTGART GERMANY. DAY

The road is wet from the morning dew, temperatures have
dropped.
52.


Ashot, Anna and Children are bundled up and back on the road.
Little Eddie is being led by Klarisa, she holds his hand as
he struggles to keep up. They approach an intersection in the
road. One arrow points to Munich another points to Nuremberg.

ANNA
You have no idea where you are
going! Look we are almost out of
food.

Anna opens the sack and shows him the last can of food.

ANNA (CONT’D)

You have us wandering aimlessly
around the countryside.
ASHOT
Alright if you know so much you
choose which way to go.

She looks up and points to the Munich sign. Ashot smiles.

ANNA
What’s so funny?

ASHOT
You know how far it is! At least a
hundred miles

ANNA
That’s not funny!

ASHOT
We have to find the Armenians let’s
go towards Nuremberg it should be
much shorter going there?

ANNA
Alright but I still feel we should
go the other way.
FADE TO BLACK.


EXT. SMALL VILLAGE TOWN NEAR NUREMBERG GERMANY. DAY


Eddie asleep is being carried by Ashot. They are coming to
the end of the town’s main drag, they pass a general store
whose windows have been broken out and shelves emptied. About
a hundred yards away TWO MEN in their mid-thirties approach
Ashot and his Family.
53.


ASHOT
Look Anna, these guys are Armenian!
Maybe they know where to go?

Ashot approaches the two men who have the same facial
characteristics as he does. He hands the baby over to Anna.

ASHOT (CONT’D)
(In Armenian )
Are you Armenian?

The two men look back at him confused. Ashot extends his
hand.

ASHOT (CONT’D)
My name is Ashot, so you’re not
Armenian?

TURKISH MAN ONE
(Extends his hand)
No, my name is Addai and my friend
is Haluk. We are Turkish!

As their hands touch Ashot’s eyes glaze over as if in a
trance.

FLASH BACK:


INT. ONE ROOM SHELTER BUILT FROM ROCKS AND A GRASS ROOF. DAY

The room is a converted livestock shelter and has a large
wooden door. FIVE YEAR OLD ASHOT is being laid down by his
pregnant Mother, HASMEEK. She places him in a bed made of hay
and a few blankets. She turns and heads towards her Husband
HAKOB large mustache, early nineteen hundred’s clothing.
Hakob sits in the center of the room at a small table having
tea from a “copper kettle”. Suddenly the door is busted wide
open by a black horse ridden by a TURKISH HUN. Hakob stands
up as the Turk advances aiming his sword at Hakob’s chest.
The sword’s main thrust is defused by a medallion dangling
from his neck. Hakob falls to his knees and drops forward.
Ashot hiding under his blanket looks up just in time to see
his Mother stabbed in her pregnant belly by the Hun’s sword.
Ashot focuses in on the face of the Hun. The horse turns and
gallops out of the house. Hakob still alive crawls over to
his wife, lifting and holding her in his arms.

CUT TO:
54.
Genres: ["Historical Drama","War","Family"]

Summary Ashot, Anna, and their children face dwindling supplies on their journey. A fork in the road presents a choice between Munich and Nuremberg. Ashot, hoping to find fellow Armenians, chooses Nuremberg. They arrive in a small village where Ashot encounters two men he believes are Armenian, only to discover they are Turkish. This triggers a traumatic flashback of his parents being killed by Turkish men, leaving him in a dazed state.
Strengths
  • Emotional impact
  • Engaging plot
  • Well-developed characters
  • Compelling themes
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Pacing could be improved in certain sections

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally impactful, with a strong plot and well-developed characters. The dialogue is engaging, and the theme of survival and family bonds is effectively portrayed.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a family searching for their identity and place in a war-torn world is compelling and well-executed. The scene effectively conveys the struggles and challenges faced by the characters.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and moves the story forward effectively. The introduction of new characters and the family's journey add depth to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its exploration of cultural identity, historical conflict, and personal trauma. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and realism to the story, creating a compelling and engaging narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are clearly portrayed. The family dynamic adds depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo some changes in the scene, particularly in their relationships and understanding of their identity. The challenges they face lead to personal growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect his family and find a sense of belonging or connection to his Armenian heritage. The flashback reveals his traumatic past and the loss of his family, driving his actions and decisions in the present.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find the Armenians and seek guidance or assistance in their journey. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of navigating unfamiliar territory and finding a sense of community.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene has a moderate level of conflict, with the characters facing external challenges and internal struggles. The conflict adds tension and drama to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the encounter between Ashot and the Turkish men creating a sense of conflict and tension. The audience is left uncertain of the outcome, adding suspense and drama to the story.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing life-threatening situations and emotional challenges. The survival of the family is at risk, adding tension to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward, introducing new challenges and developments for the characters. The family's journey adds depth to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected encounter with the Turkish men, the protagonist's emotional response, and the revelation of his traumatic past. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between Armenian and Turkish identities, symbolized by the encounter between Ashot and the Turkish men. This conflict challenges Ashot's beliefs and values, forcing him to confront his past and his sense of identity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, with themes of loss, survival, and family bonds evoking strong emotions in the audience. The characters' struggles are deeply moving.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and helps to reveal the characters' emotions and relationships. It effectively conveys the tension and drama of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, intense character interactions, and suspenseful plot developments. The audience is drawn into the protagonist's journey and struggles, rooting for his success and resolution.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, alternating between past and present narratives, and developing the characters' motivations and conflicts. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptive action lines, and engaging dialogue that drives the story forward.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, transitioning smoothly between past and present narratives, building tension and suspense, and developing the characters' motivations and conflicts effectively.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of direction and purpose for the characters, leading to confusion and aimlessness in their journey.
  • The flashback to Ashot's traumatic past with Turkish men killing his parents feels disconnected from the current storyline and disrupts the flow of the scene.
  • The introduction of the Turkish men as potential Armenians creates tension and conflict, but the resolution is not satisfying or impactful.
  • The transition from the present-day interaction with the Turkish men to the flashback is abrupt and could be smoother to maintain coherence.
  • The emotional impact of Ashot's past trauma could be better integrated into the current scene to add depth and resonance to his character.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the characters' motivations and goals in the scene to give it a stronger sense of purpose and direction.
  • Consider integrating Ashot's past trauma more seamlessly into the current storyline to enhance the emotional depth of the scene.
  • Explore alternative ways to introduce tension and conflict with the Turkish men that lead to a more satisfying resolution.
  • Smooth out the transition between the present-day interaction and the flashback to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • Ensure that the flashback serves a clear purpose in advancing the character development and overall narrative of the screenplay.



Scene 22 -  The Forest of Death
EXT. SMALL VILLAGE TOWN NEAR NUREMBERG GERMANY. DAY

Ashot releases Addai’s hand as he comes back to reality. He
focuses on Addai’s face. The resemblance to the Hun is
uncanny.

ADDAI
Where are you going? You’re headed
in the wrong direction.

ASHOT
I need to find the Armenians, do
you know where they might be?

HALUK
No we don’t but you should come
with us we’ve been finding a lot of
gold!

Addai opens a leather satchel full of gold coins and jewelry.

ADDAI
Here take a couple of coins, you
might need them.

ASHOT
Oh no that’s blood gold!

Ashot disgusted by them turns and abruptly leaves, Anna and
children follow him as he continues down the road.

FADE OUT.


EXT. GRAVEL ROAD TO NUREMBERG. DAY

The weather has turned to an on and off drizzle. Ashot, Anna
and children are huddled together under a canvas tarp as they
transverse the muddy road. Approximately two hundred yards up
the road Ashot spots a battalion of Russian tanks and
soldiers pulled over to the side of the road.

ASHOT
God Damn it! Russians.

ANNA
Ashot! You don't have to curse!

ASHOT
We have to go around them. Let’s
cut through the forest.
55.


ANNA
We need to find some place to get
out of the rain.

Ashot leads them into a forest of dense foliage. After a few
minutes of maneuvering through the trees. They come near a
clearing. We hear the VOICES of Russian soldiers yelling and
commanding people. Ashot leads his family towards some
bushes.

ASHOT
Wait here. Be very quiet.

Ashot makes his way to the clearing. He hides behind some
rocks trying to get a view. TWENTY RUSSIAN SOLDIERS have at
gunpoint a group of TEN GERMAN SOLDIERS. They dig holes for
their own graves. RUSSIAN COMMANDER VLADIMIR CLACHENKO,
scar-faced with a brutal disposition. He watches as TWO SS
SOLDIERS shovel mud onto a fellow SS Captain. The few last
shovels of mud suffocate the soldier as he disappears into
his argillaceous grave. Commander Clachenko turns towards
another SS soldier.

COMMANDER CLACHENKO
(In Russian)
Get inside the hole you Nazi
asshole, son of a bitch.

The German Soldier is reluctant he hesitates. Vladimir
viciously hits him on the back of the head with the butt of
his rifle, propelling the German face first into the muddy
hole. Ashot has seen enough he turns and heads back to Anna
and his children.

ASHOT
We need to leave now.

FADE TO BLACK.
Genres: ["Drama","War"]

Summary Ashot, Anna, and their children travel towards Nuremberg, encountering Russian soldiers on a muddy road. Seeking shelter in a nearby forest, they witness a horrifying scene: Russian soldiers force German prisoners to dig their own graves before executing them. The brutal spectacle compels Ashot to flee with his family, highlighting the danger and violence they face in a war-torn Germany.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Realistic portrayal of war
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the brutality of war and the characters' struggle for survival, creating a tense and suspenseful atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on the characters' encounter with Russian soldiers and their desperate attempt to navigate through a war-torn landscape, is well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene, with the characters facing high stakes and intense conflict, drives the narrative forward and keeps the audience engaged.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the horrors of war and the struggle for survival, with authentic character actions and dialogue that add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' reactions to the brutal events and their determination to survive are well-portrayed, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience a shift in their determination and resolve as they face the brutal realities of war.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect his family and navigate through the dangerous wartime environment. This reflects his deeper need for survival and the fear of losing his loved ones.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to avoid confrontation with the Russian soldiers and find a safe place for his family to shelter from the rain.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters and the Russian soldiers, as well as the internal conflict of survival, is intense and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the presence of the Russian soldiers posing a significant threat to the protagonist and his family.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of survival and the characters' confrontation with Russian soldiers raise the tension and urgency of the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by showcasing the characters' struggle for survival and the harsh consequences of war.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden appearance of the Russian soldiers and the brutal execution of the German soldiers, adding tension and uncertainty to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between the values of humanity and brutality, as seen in the actions of the Russian commander towards the German soldiers. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in compassion and morality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, disgust, and determination in the audience, creating a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and the tense atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and suspenseful atmosphere, as well as the high stakes faced by the protagonist and his family.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, as well as allowing for moments of emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a wartime drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene introduces a new setting and characters effectively, but the transition from the previous scene could be smoother to provide better context for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Ashot, Addai, and Haluk feels a bit rushed and could benefit from more natural and nuanced interactions.
  • The sudden introduction of blood gold and the reaction from Ashot could be further developed to add depth to the scene and the characters' motivations.
  • The shift in tone from the encounter with Addai and Haluk to the sighting of Russian soldiers is abrupt and could be better balanced to maintain the tension and suspense.
  • The portrayal of the Russian soldiers' brutality is impactful, but the scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the sense of danger and urgency.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more details to the dialogue between the characters to make their interactions more authentic and engaging.
  • Provide more background information on the concept of blood gold and its significance to Ashot to make the scene more emotionally resonant.
  • Smooth out the transition between the encounter with Addai and Haluk and the sighting of Russian soldiers to maintain a consistent tone throughout the scene.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions of the Russian soldiers' actions to create a more vivid and immersive setting for the audience.
  • Consider adding internal monologue or reflections from Ashot to provide insight into his thoughts and emotions during the encounter with the Russian soldiers.



Scene 23 -  A Glimpse of Hope on the Road to Funkkaserne
EXT. FOREST ADJACENT TO FARM FIELD . NIGHT

The rain comes down hard as Ashot and family exit the forest
and into a farm field. They head for a bombed out barn in the
middle of the field. Part of the barn roof is missing they
enter looking for a dry spot.

ANNA
We have very little food left.

ASHOT
Tomorrow with God’s help we will
find some food.
56.


ANNA
Oh now you’re with God?

ASHOT
I hope there is God, all I see is
the devil, no God around here!

Ashot clears a corner of the barn, Anna pulls a blanket out
of her sack spreading it out over some hay. Ashot picks up
Eddie and places him on blanket.

ASHOT (CONT’D)

You and Klarisa lay down here.

Eddie nods back in agreement. Ashot gathers some nearby hay
and wood and starts a small fire.

KLARISA
Can’t we go back to our house Mama?

ANNA
Ashot, she’s right we should go
back.

Ashot ignites the fire.

ASHOT
Never! I will die before I go back
to those Communist bastards! Go to
sleep tomorrow we will find the
Armenians. Then we have a chance to
leave this Hell behind us!



Ashot places his arms around his family as they huddle around
the small fire.

CUT TO:




EXT. GRAVEL ROAD TO NUREMBERG. DAY

The sun shines brightly, storm clouds have cleared revealing
a beautiful landscape. POLISH REFUGEES in groups of five and
six transverse the road going both ways. Ashot approaches a
blonde haired, POLISH FAMILY, HUSBAND, WIFE and THREE
CHILDREN.
57.


ASHOT
(In Russian)
Greetings!

POLISH HUSBAND

Hello!

ASHOT
By any chance do you know where the
Armenians may be?

POLISH HUSBAND
Armenians?

ASHOT
Yes, the Armenians!

POLISH HUSBAND
No, no Armenians. We saw Americans
maybe a mile up the road.

The Polish family all agree, the husband turns and points up
the road.

ASHOT
Alright! Thank you very much! Good
luck!

Ashot, Anna, Klarisa and Eddie grab each other’s hands and
continue up the road.

ASHOT (CONT’D)
Let’s find the Americans, maybe
they know where they are?

DISSOLVE TO:


EXT. OUTSKIRTS NUREMBERG PAVED ROAD. DAY
Ashot and family are yet again at a crossroads.

The signs point to HEIDALHIEM, NERESHIEM and NUREMBERG.

ANNA
So now which way?

Ashot looks down each road trying to decide. From the
distance he sees a cloud of dust.

ASHOT
We better hide. I think it’s a jeep
because it’s coming very fast.
58.


They move to a forest area about twenty yards away from the
road and hide behind some trees. Ashot watches the vehicle as
it nears them. The Jeep gets close enough to see an American
flag attached to its front hood.

ASHOT (CONT’D)
It’s alright, they're Americans!
Come on we have to stop them!

They near the road Ashot steps out into the middle of the
roadway and starts to wave them down.


INT. JEEP GRAVEL ROAD. DAY

Inside the Jeep driving is Lieutenant Guardhouse next to him
is Captain Ramirez smiling and happy the war is over.

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
What the hell is this guy doing?

CAPTAIN RAMIREZ
I don’t know but you better slow
down or you’re going to kill him!

Guardhouse downshifts and applies the brakes. The Jeep comes
to a sliding halt a few feet in front of Ashot.

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
What are you crazy? You almost got
killed!

ASHOT
I’m sorry but we need your help.

Guardhouse is upset with the distraction.

CAPTAIN RAMIREZ
How can we help you?

ASHOT
We are looking for the Armenians?

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
(Frustrated)
The Armenians.

ANNA
We are Armenians!

Ramirez nudges Guardhouse.
59.


CAPTAIN RAMERIZ
Why do you always have to be so
ornery? Sorry Mam’am for my
friend’s rudeness. We know about
the Armenians?

ASHOT
Yes the Armenians do you know where
they might be?


CAPTAIN RAMIREZ
Bill what was the name of that
military academy? We were there a
few days ago.

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
You mean the Nazi school? It had
some weird name Funka something?

CAPTAIN RAMIREZ
That’s right Funka? Funkkaserne!
That’s it! Your people are there.
But you’re going the wrong way.

Captain Ramirez pulls out a map.

CAPTAIN RAMERIZ
Let’s see we are here. Funkkaserne
is over here! Alright you have to
go back that way and you’ll see a
sign pointing to Munich it’s a
couple of miles from there.

Anna stares down Ashot.

ANNA
(Pointing)
So we have to go back that way.

CAPTAIN RAMIREZ
Yes, Mam’am! A few hours on foot
and you’ll be there!

Anna continues to stare at Ashot.

ASHOT
Thank you very much you saved our
lives.

ANNA
Yes, thank you for your help.
60.


CAPTAIN RAMERIZ
You’re very welcome! Good luck.

Guardhouse revs the engine and takes off in a cloud of dust.

ANNA
What did I tell you? You never
listen to me! You were taking us
completely in the wrong direction!

ASHOT
Alright, I was wrong .

ANNA
Say it! I was right! And you
were...

ASHOT
You were right. I was wrong.

Anna smiles.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Historical","War"]

Summary After seeking shelter in a bombed-out barn during a rainstorm, Ashot and his family continue their journey through post-war Germany searching for other Armenians. They encounter a Polish family who point them towards American soldiers. These soldiers provide directions to Funkkaserne, a potential Armenian refugee camp, despite initial frustration with the interruption. The family, guided by the soldiers' advice, turns around and sets their sights on Funkkaserne, their hope for finding their community renewed.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Compelling plot progression
  • Tension and high stakes
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Potential for more character interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and determination of the characters, drawing the audience into their journey. The high stakes and sense of urgency add tension and keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a family searching for their people in the aftermath of war is compelling and relatable. The scene effectively explores themes of survival, resilience, and the search for identity.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with clear goals for the characters and obstacles they must overcome. The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and advancing the family's journey.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on post-war survival and the search for hope amidst chaos. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and compelling, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are clearly portrayed. The audience can empathize with their struggles and root for their success.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional changes as they face new challenges and make decisions that impact their journey. Their resilience and determination are highlighted through their actions.

Internal Goal: 8

Ashot's internal goal is to protect his family and find a way to escape the dangerous situation they are in. This reflects his deeper need for safety and security for his loved ones.

External Goal: 7

Ashot's external goal is to find the Armenians for help and guidance. This reflects the immediate challenge of survival and navigation in a hostile environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene has a moderate level of conflict, with the characters facing external challenges and internal struggles. The high stakes and sense of danger create tension and drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing external challenges and internal conflicts that add depth and complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing danger, uncertainty, and the need to find safety and belonging. The sense of urgency and the risks they take add tension and drama to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new information, advancing the characters' journey, and setting up future conflicts. It keeps the audience engaged and invested in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' journey, keeping the audience on edge and eager to see how the story unfolds.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is evident in Ashot's belief in God and his struggle to find hope and faith in a seemingly godless world. This challenges his values and worldview, as he grapples with the harsh realities of war.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of fear, determination, and hope in the audience. The characters' struggles and the sense of urgency resonate with viewers.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations. It adds depth to the scene and helps to develop the relationships between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, emotional depth, and compelling character dynamics. The audience is invested in the characters' journey and the outcome of their struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-managed, with a balance of tension-building moments and character interactions that keep the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear transitions and scene descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure that effectively builds tension and conflict, leading to a resolution that propels the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency and tension given the circumstances the characters are in. The dialogue between Ashot and Anna feels somewhat forced and lacks emotional depth, especially considering the gravity of their situation.
  • The transition from the forest to the farm field is abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene. The sudden shift in tone from the tense forest setting to a more casual conversation about food and God feels disjointed.
  • The dialogue between Ashot and Anna about God and the devil could be more nuanced and impactful, delving deeper into their conflicting beliefs and the emotional weight of their experiences.
  • The interaction with the Polish family feels rushed and lacks depth. The exchange about finding Armenians and the Americans could be more engaging and meaningful to the overall narrative.
  • The resolution of the scene with the American soldiers providing directions to the Armenians at Funkkaserne feels too convenient and lacks a sense of struggle or challenge for the characters.
Suggestions
  • Add more tension and urgency to the scene by emphasizing the danger the family is in and the stakes of their situation.
  • Develop the dialogue between Ashot and Anna to reflect their emotional turmoil and the trauma they have experienced, adding depth to their characters.
  • Smooth out the transition between settings to maintain a cohesive flow and build momentum in the scene.
  • Expand on the interaction with the Polish family to create a more meaningful and engaging exchange that adds depth to the narrative.
  • Consider introducing obstacles or challenges for the characters to overcome in their journey to find the Armenians, adding complexity and depth to the storyline.



Scene 24 -  Ignoring the Warning
EXT. ESTABLISHING SHOT FUNKKASERNE SS ACADEMY. DAY

Large iron gates protect the entrance to the massive facility
of buildings and training areas. A small guard shack adjacent
to the entrance is manned by PRIVATE WILSON, late twenties
brown hair ,green eyes, Southern mannered. He leaves the
guard shack and opens the gate for a Red Cross military
truck. The Truck pulls in and Private Wilson closes the gate
behind them. Red Cross DOCTOR STEVEN MILLER late forties,
salt and pepper hair exits the truck and approaches Private
Wilson.



DOCTOR MILLER
Who is in charge here?

PRIVATE WILSON
Yes Sir! That would be Lieutenant
Guardhouse.

DOCTOR MILLER
I need to speak to him immediately!

PRIVATE WILSON
Unfortunately Sir, Lieutenant
Guardhouse is on a survey at
another camp about thirty clicks
west of here.
61.


DOCTOR MILLER
Well, we need to get a hold of him,
my doctors here at the camp have
informed me there is an outbreak of
TB. We might have to evacuate a
section of the camp.

PRIVATE WILSON
Yes Sir I will radio him
immediately!

Private Wilson heads back to the guard shack and gets on the
radio.

PRIVATE WILSON (CONT’D)
Eagle one to Alpha rover, do you
copy?


EXT. GRAVEL ROAD THIRTY CLICKS WEST OF FUNKKASERNE .DAY

Guardhouse and Ramirez are pulled over putting water into the
radiator of their overheated Jeep.

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
Go for Alpha Rover over. Is that
you, Private Wilson?

PRIVATE WILSON
(Voice coming over radio)
Yes, Sir, Wilson here!

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
What is it Wilson?

PRIVATE WILSON
(Over radio)
Lieutenant Sir there is a Doctor
here from the Red Cross says there
is a TB outbreak in the camp. He
wants you to evacuate.
CUT TO:


EXT. GRAVEL ROAD THIRTY CLICKS WEST OF FUNKKASERNE .DAY

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
What? No way, there are almost
three thousand people in that camp.
Is this guy out of his mind? Do not
evacuate do absolutely nothing! Do
you understand, Wilson?
62.


PRIVATE WILSON
(Over radio)
Yes, Sir! Do not evacuate do
absolutely nothing.

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
I will be there in thirty minutes
Alpha Rover over and out!

Captain Rameriz slams the hood on the Jeep and jumps into the
driver’s seat.

CAPTAIN RAMIREZ
I’ll drive.


CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","War"]

Summary A Red Cross doctor, Steven Miller, arrives at the Funkkaserne SS Academy with concerns about a possible TB outbreak. He urges Private Wilson to evacuate a section of the camp, but Wilson's radio call to Lieutenant Guardhouse, who is surveying thirty clicks away, results in dismissal. Guardhouse dismisses the concern, claiming it's too difficult to evacuate, and orders inaction, leaving the potential health crisis unaddressed.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Clear conflict and high stakes
  • Effective pacing
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Lack of emotional depth in some moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively creates tension and suspense, with a clear conflict and high stakes. The dialogue is engaging and drives the plot forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a TB outbreak in a war camp adds depth to the story and raises the stakes for the characters. It introduces a new challenge that the characters must navigate.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a clear conflict and a sense of urgency. The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new obstacle for the characters to overcome.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on a familiar military setting by focusing on a medical emergency and the ethical dilemma of evacuation. The dialogue feels authentic and serves the narrative well.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are determined and resourceful in dealing with the TB outbreak, showing their resilience in the face of adversity.

Character Changes: 6

While there may not be significant character development in this scene, the characters demonstrate their resilience and determination in the face of a new challenge.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to follow orders and handle the situation with the TB outbreak efficiently. This reflects their need for competence and responsibility.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to prevent the evacuation of the camp and handle the TB outbreak effectively. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the doctor and the camp authorities regarding the TB outbreak creates a sense of tension and urgency in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting orders and the potential consequences of the protagonist's decision adding complexity and suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of a TB outbreak in a war camp raise the tension and urgency of the scene, as the characters must act quickly to prevent the spread of the disease.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new obstacle for the characters to overcome, adding depth to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the protagonist's decision whether to evacuate or not creates tension and uncertainty for the audience.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between following orders and potentially risking lives by not evacuating the camp, or taking the risk of evacuating and potentially causing panic and chaos.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear and anxiety in the characters and the audience, as they face the threat of a disease outbreak in the midst of a war.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and impactful, conveying the urgency of the situation and the characters' determination to address the outbreak.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, fast-paced dialogue, and the sense of urgency created by the impending TB outbreak.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the urgency of the situation, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a tense military drama, with clear setups and payoffs that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a sense of urgency and tension considering the serious subject matter of a TB outbreak in the camp.
  • The dialogue between Doctor Miller and Private Wilson feels a bit flat and lacks depth, especially given the gravity of the situation.
  • The interaction between Lieutenant Guardhouse and Private Wilson could be more intense and dramatic to convey the seriousness of the decision not to evacuate the camp.
  • There is a missed opportunity to explore the ethical dilemma faced by Lieutenant Guardhouse in choosing not to evacuate the camp despite the outbreak.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues to enhance the sense of urgency and tension, such as close-up shots of the characters' expressions and reactions.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more emotional depth to the dialogue between the characters to convey the gravity of the situation.
  • Introduce more visual elements to enhance the tension and urgency of the scene, such as quick cuts and close-up shots.
  • Explore the ethical dilemma faced by Lieutenant Guardhouse in more detail to add complexity to the decision not to evacuate the camp.
  • Consider adding a sense of urgency and suspense to the scene to keep the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.
  • Work on building up the stakes of the situation to create a more impactful and memorable scene.



Scene 25 -  Despair and Denial
INT. FUNKKASERNE CAMP INFIRMARY. DAY

The twenty bed infirmary is full of patients with different
degrees of tuberculosis. NURSE MURIEL, mid forties, dark
Italian look, she wears a surgical mask. Nurse Muriel pulls a
white sheet over the face of a middle aged ARMENIAN WOMAN
with dark hair and chestnut eyes. Her husband, KREKOR, sits
on the edge of a bed next to her watching her die. He
clutches his dying FIVE YEAR OLD DAUGHTER tight to his chest.
The young girl’s skin has turned blue, she coughs up blood
splattering it on her father’s face. Nurse Muriel takes a few
steps over to the next bed where Krekor’s thirteen year old
son ARTUR takes his last breath. Nurse Muriel turns and looks
across the room for NURSE MARY NIXON, mid twenties, light
skin, southern belle, also dressed with a surgical mask.

NURSE MURIEL
Nurse Nixon, could you come here
and give me a hand please?

NURSE NIXON
Yes Mam’am, be right there!

Doctor Steven Miller enters the infirmary.

DOCTOR MILLER
Nurse Muriel, Nurse Nixon please
come with me.

The nurses walk over to Doctor Miller and they all exit the
infirmary.



CUT TO:
63.


EXT. GRAVEL ROAD THREE KILOMETERS FROM FUNKKASERNE. DAY



The road sign arrow points 3 kilometers to Funkkaserne.

ANNA
Thank God, we are almost there!

KLARISA
Mama, are their other kids there?

ASHOT
There are a lot of kids there! Come
on let’s go.

Klarisa takes off running.

ANNA
Klarisa come back here!

CUT TO:


INT. FUNKKASERNE CAMP INFIRMARY. DAY

Krekor has made a makeshift noose out of the bed sheets and
his leather belt. With noose tied to a sewer pipe located on
the ceiling, Krekor hangs, his neck swinging back and forth.
His daughter’s lifeless body lays on the bed next to him.
Nurse Muriel and Nurse Nixon return to the infirmary they
spot Krekor. Nurse Muriel runs over to Krekor and feels for a
pulse.

NURSE MURIEL
Oh my God! Go get help.

Nurse Nixon runs out the door.

CUT TO:


EXT. FUNKKASERNE SS ACADEMY. DAY

Private Wilson has opened the entrance’s iron gates .
Lieutenant Guardhouse and Captain Ramirez driving the Jeep,
speed dangerously into the camp barely missing the rear of
the Red Cross truck. Guardhouse jumps out and approaches
Private Wilson.

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
Where’s the Red Cross guy?

Doctor Miller exits the building and nears the two soldiers.
64.


DOCTOR MILLER
(Extends a hand.)
Lieutenant Guardhouse? Doctor
Steven Miller Red Cross.

Guardhouse is a little reluctant to shake hands but does
anyway.

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
How can I help you Doctor?

DOCTOR MILLER
We have a problem. The Doctor here
at the camp feels we have an
epidemic of TB.

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
Look Doctor Miller, there is no way
we can evacuate this camp, their
are over twenty five hundred people
in there with nowhere to go!

DOCTOR MILLER
We’ll if we don’t do something half
of them will be dead in a few
weeks.

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
Give me a few moments I need to
call my commander.

Guardhouse turns and heads for the administration building.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","War"]

Summary In the overcrowded infirmary of the Funkkaserne camp, Nurse Muriel attends to dying patients, including a young Armenian girl and her mother. Meanwhile, the girl's father, Krekor, grieves silently. After his wife and daughter succumb to their illnesses, Krekor, overwhelmed by despair, hangs himself. Outside the camp, Doctor Miller pleads with Lieutenant Guardhouse to evacuate the camp due to a severe TB outbreak. Guardhouse refuses, citing a lack of resources and space, but eventually agrees to contact his commander. The scene ends on a note of uncertainty, leaving the fate of the camp's sick inhabitants unknown.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-building
  • Realistic portrayal of wartime struggles
Weaknesses
  • Possible need for more character development
  • Dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight and urgency of the situation, drawing the audience in with its tragic elements and tense atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a TB outbreak in a war camp adds depth and complexity to the story, highlighting the harsh realities of wartime conditions and the difficult decisions faced by the characters.

Plot: 9

The plot is gripping and intense, with the characters facing a life-or-death situation that raises the stakes and drives the narrative forward.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to the familiar theme of war and disease by focusing on the personal struggles and emotional turmoil of the characters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and realism to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their emotions are palpable, adding depth and authenticity to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo emotional turmoil and difficult decisions, leading to some internal growth and change within the scene.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to cope with the loss of his family members and the overwhelming despair of the situation. This reflects his deeper need for survival and his fear of losing everything he holds dear.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to find a way to save his remaining family members and himself from the epidemic of tuberculosis in the camp. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in trying to survive in a dire situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with the characters facing internal and external struggles that heighten the tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing difficult choices and obstacles that challenge their beliefs and values, creating uncertainty and tension for the audience.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of life and death, coupled with the characters' moral dilemmas and difficult choices, create a sense of urgency and tension in the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new crisis and raising the stakes for the characters, setting the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and decisions, creating suspense and tension for the audience.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between the value of human life and the harsh realities of war and disease. The protagonist's beliefs in the sanctity of life are challenged by the brutal circumstances he finds himself in, forcing him to make difficult decisions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, eliciting feelings of sadness, despair, and empathy for the characters' plight.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the urgency and emotional turmoil of the characters, enhancing the overall impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional content, high stakes, and dramatic conflict, keeping the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' struggles.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions that enhance the readability and flow of the script.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively building tension and drama through the interactions of the characters.


Critique
  • The scene in the infirmary is emotionally heavy with the depiction of death and despair, which can be impactful but may need to be handled with sensitivity.
  • The transition from the infirmary to the gravel road may feel abrupt and disjointed, potentially causing a jarring shift in tone for the audience.
  • The suicide of Krekor is a dark and intense moment that may need to be handled carefully to avoid sensationalizing or glorifying the act.
  • The interaction between Doctor Miller and Lieutenant Guardhouse is crucial for setting up the conflict around the TB outbreak, but the dialogue could be more nuanced to convey the urgency and stakes of the situation.
  • The scene ends with a sense of impending conflict and decision-making, leaving the audience with a cliffhanger that sets up tension for the next scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more depth to the characters in the infirmary to make their emotional journey more relatable and engaging for the audience.
  • Smooth out the transition between the different locations to ensure a seamless flow of the narrative and maintain the emotional impact of each scene.
  • Handle the sensitive subject of suicide with care and consideration, focusing on the emotional aftermath and impact on the characters.
  • Refine the dialogue between Doctor Miller and Lieutenant Guardhouse to enhance the tension and urgency of the situation, building up the conflict effectively.
  • Consider adding a resolution or further development to the scene to provide closure or a sense of progression in the storyline.



Scene 26 -  A Moment of Hope in the Face of Despair
EXT. FUNKKASERNE CAMP ENTRANCE. DAY

Ashot, Anna, Klarisa, and Eddie have arrived and near the
guard gate. Klarisa is giddy with excitement, as they near
the guard shack Klarisa can hear the SOUND of children
playing. As they walk by the entrance, Klarisa catches a
glimpse of TWENTY CHILDREN playing kickball in the center
courtyard. Private Wilson is at his post. He exits the Guard
shack and greets the family.

PRIVATE WILSON
(In Armenian)
Hello, welcome!

ASHOT
You speak Armenian?
65.


PRIVATE WILSON
No, not really, that’s all I know.

ASHOT
This is my wife Anna, my daughter
Klarisa and my son Eddie.

PRIVATE WILSON
(In Armenian)
Hello.

ANNA
Nice to meet you!


Klarisa waves enthusiastically.

KLARISA
Hi! Are you an American?

PRIVATE WILSON
Yes, Missy. I’m from North
Carolina.

ASHOT
We are Armenian refugees. We have
no place to go and our people are
inside the camp. We also would like
to stay with them here.

PRIVATE WILSON
I’m sorry but the camp is full and
there is a tuberculosis outbreak we
might have to evacuate the camp
sorry it’s for your own safety.

The family’s excitement dissipates and quickly turns to
despair. Ashot steps back in disbelief.

CUT TO:


EXT. FUNKKASERNE CAMP INSIDE ENTRANCE GATE. DAY

Doctor Miller stands near the Red Cross truck. Lieutenant
Guardhouse and EIGHT SOLDIERS escort Krekor’s dead family on
stretchers into the Red Cross truck.

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
Okay, Doctor Miller, my commander
says there is an abandoned military
warehouse about a quarter mile up
the road. He wants you to set up a
quarantine area in the warehouse.
66.


DOCTOR MILLER
What about beds or cots? I need
supplies!

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
I will personally make sure you get
what you need.

DOCTOR MILLER
The problem is we have no idea how
many are infected?

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
Look, Doctor I can’t tell you how
to do your work but this is the
best we can do for you now.

DOCTOR MILLER
Alright, we can start by
transporting the rest of the
patients in the infirmary.

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
Let me find Sergeant Lewis we’ll
get you the manpower you need.

Guardhouse turns and heads to the gate shack.

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE (CONT’D)
Private Wilson!

PRIVATE WILSON
Yes Sir!

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
Get Sergeant Lewis on the radio,
tell him I need his boys to help
the Red Cross.

PRIVATE WILSON
Yes Sir, right away Lieutenant!
A work truck passes by and downshifts causing a loud
BACKFIRE. Guardhouse turns quickly investigating the source.
As the truck drives by, Guardhouse spots Ashot and his family
bundled up meekly on the corner. Guardhouse crosses the road
and approaches them.

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
Why are you out here?

Ashot’s eyes light up.
67.


ASHOT
Hello Commander! I’m so happy to
see you. We were told the camp is
full.

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
Who told you that?

ASHOT
The nice American boy at the guard
house.

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
Come with me.

Guardhouse walks back to the guard shack with Ashot and
family in tow. As they near, the Red Cross truck backs out.

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE (CONT’D)
Private Wilson, help these people
check into the camp.

PRIVATE WILSON
But I thought you said the camp was
full and you couldn’t take anyone
else Sir!

The Red Cross truck grinds its gears as it drives away.

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
We have the room now. Let them in.

ASHOT
Thank you very much Commander!

Ashot looks down at Lieutenant Guardhouse’s worn-out boots,
Guardhouse notices and also looks down.

ASHOT (CONT’D)
I will make you new boots, size
eleven?
LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
Eleven and a half, but that’s not
necessary! I’m leaving in a couple
of weeks.

ASHOT
No problem, that’s plenty of time!

CUT TO:
68.
Genres: ["Drama","Historical","War"]

Summary Ashot, Anna, Klarisa, and Eddie arrive at the Funkkaserne camp seeking refuge, only to be turned away due to the camp's overcrowding and a tuberculosis outbreak. Despite the initial despair, Lieutenant Guardhouse intervenes and allows them into the camp, revealing plans for evacuation and a quarantine area in an abandoned warehouse. The scene concludes with Ashot offering to make new boots for Lieutenant Guardhouse, suggesting a sense of hope and connection despite the dire situation.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
  • Realistic portrayal of wartime challenges
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Limited exploration of individual character arcs

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and uncertainty faced by the characters while also providing a sense of hope and determination. The introduction of Lieutenant Guardhouse adds a layer of complexity and potential conflict to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of seeking refuge in a war-torn environment and the struggle to find safety amidst chaos is well-executed. The introduction of the tuberculosis outbreak adds a sense of urgency and danger to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as the family attempts to enter the camp and faces obstacles along the way. The introduction of the tuberculosis outbreak and the decision to evacuate the camp adds tension and raises the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the refugee experience, blending personal struggles with larger societal issues. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show resilience, gratitude, and determination in the face of adversity. Ashot's resourcefulness and willingness to help others, Anna's strength and protectiveness towards her family, and Klarisa's curiosity and optimism are all well-defined.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes as they navigate the challenges and uncertainties they face. Ashot's willingness to seek help and Anna's protective instincts are highlighted in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to find safety and shelter for his family amidst the chaos of the refugee camp. This reflects his deeper need to protect and provide for his loved ones in a time of crisis.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to gain entry into the camp despite being initially turned away. This reflects the immediate challenge of finding a place to stay and reunite with their people.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict arises from the family's struggle to find safety and shelter amidst the chaos of war and the threat of disease. The decision to evacuate the camp and the uncertainty of the characters' future add to the conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing obstacles and challenges that create uncertainty and conflict. The audience is left wondering how the characters will overcome these hurdles.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters face the threat of disease, the uncertainty of finding shelter, and the dangers of war. The decision to evacuate the camp and the family's quest for safety raise the stakes for the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new obstacles and conflicts for the characters to overcome. The decision to evacuate the camp and the family's journey towards safety propel the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, such as the protagonist being initially turned away but eventually allowed entry into the camp. The audience is kept on edge wondering how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the value of compassion and humanity in the face of bureaucratic rules and regulations. The protagonist's belief in helping others clashes with the camp's strict policies.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions from despair and tension to hope and gratitude. The characters' resilience and determination resonate with the audience, creating a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, motivations, and the challenges they face. The interactions between the family and Lieutenant Guardhouse add depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, cultural dynamics, and high stakes. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' struggles. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and plot progression. It effectively builds tension and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency and tension given the family's desperate situation.
  • The dialogue feels a bit forced and could be more natural and authentic, especially in the interaction between Private Wilson and the family.
  • The transition between the family's initial excitement and their sudden despair could be smoother and more emotionally impactful.
  • The interaction between Doctor Miller and Lieutenant Guardhouse lacks depth and could benefit from more conflict and tension.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the setting and atmosphere.
Suggestions
  • Add more emotional depth to the family's reaction to being turned away from the camp, highlighting their desperation and fear.
  • Work on making the dialogue more realistic and reflective of the characters' emotions and motivations.
  • Consider building up the tension between Doctor Miller and Lieutenant Guardhouse to create a more engaging conflict.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more vivid and immersive setting for the scene.
  • Focus on creating a stronger sense of urgency and stakes throughout the scene to keep the audience engaged.



Scene 27 -  A New Beginning: Hope Blooms in the Funkkaserne
EXT. FUNKKASERNE SS TRAINING FACILITY. DAY

ESTABLISHING SHOT:

The quartering buildings are three stories high with Bavarian
style architectural accents. Eight large buildings previously
house up to a thousand cadets. The facility has an Assembly
hall, Cafeteria, Shooting range, Equestrian center and a
large Courtyard in the middle of it all.


INT. FUNKKASERNE CAMP SOLDIER HOUSING UNITS. DAY

Armenian female camp worker, HEPSEME, early thirties, dark
hair, green eyes, leads Ashot, Anna, Klarisa and Eddie down a
long hallway toward their new home.

KLARISA ANANIAN V.O.
Our lives in the camp got much
better. We finally got a roof over
our heads. It was a place we could
call home. We even had our own
toilet.

They enter a small eight by ten room with a toilet room and
sink. Ashot walks up to the toilet.

KLARISA
What is it Papa?

ASHOT
It’s a toilet! Look Anna we have a
toilet!



Ashot pulls the chain and the toilet loudly FLUSHES, he jumps
back startled. Anna has walked over to the window giving way
to a view of CHILDREN playing kickball in the center of the
courtyard. Klarisa runs up to the open window and sticks her
head out.



KLARISA
Mama, look at all the kids! Can I
go play?

DISSOLVE TO:
69.


EXT. FUNKKASERNE CAMP COURTYARD. DAY

Close to fifty families Men, Woman and Children fill the
courtyard , Men playing board games and cards. Woman sorting
food and clothing amongst themselves.

KLARISA ANANIAN V.O.
There were over twenty five hundred
people living in the camp. There
were reunions.

MONTAGE:

In the courtyard, Ashot approaches a wooden bench with a
GROUP OF MEN playing “Nardi” (Backgammon). Standing watching
is Ashot’s friend, Armen. Armen turns and sees Ashot.

ARMEN
Ashot? Oh my God, it’s really you!

Armen reaches out grabbing and hugging Ashot with all his
might.

DISSOLVE TO:

On the courtyard field, Klarisa and her friend Gayanne
recognize each other. They run and jump into each other’s
arms.

KLARISA ANANIAN V.O.
New friends were made, we were
happy again!

DISSOLVE TO:

In the courtyard, Anna greets Erin, they hug and kiss.

ERIN
Come with me, I want to introduce
you to the girls.

Erin takes Anna by the hand and leads her to a wooden table
surrounded by Armenian Women. The all smile and joke around
as they are introduced to a very happy Anna.

KLARISA ANANIAN V.O.
We all had to work but it was for
ourselves. The men made furniture
and shoes. The women sewed clothes
and worked in the fields growing
fruits and vegetables. We weren't
hungry anymore!

MONTAGE:
70.
Genres: ["Drama","Historical","War"]

Summary After enduring hardships, Ashot, Anna, Klarisa, and Eddie are led by Hepseme to their new living quarters at the Funkkaserne SS Training Facility. The scene portrays a joyous atmosphere as they embrace the improved conditions, including a private toilet. The courtyard is bustling with activity, showcasing the sense of community flourishing within the camp. Friendships are rekindled, and new connections are formed. The residents are seen creating furniture, shoes, and clothing, as well as cultivating fruits and vegetables, illustrating their resilience and newfound ability to provide for themselves. The scene concludes with a montage of their daily lives, highlighting the hope and sense of security that permeates the camp.
Strengths
  • Strong sense of community and belonging
  • Emotional resonance and depth
  • Well-developed characters and relationships
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant conflict or high stakes
  • Dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a sense of hope and resilience amidst challenging circumstances, with strong emotional impact and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of finding a sense of home and community in the midst of war is compelling and well-executed, providing a poignant backdrop for the characters' experiences.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the characters settling into the camp and forming connections, which serves as a crucial development in their journey. However, it lacks significant conflict or high stakes.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the aftermath of hardship and displacement, focusing on the resilience and community-building efforts of the characters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions showcase their resilience, hope, and sense of unity. The relationships and dynamics between them are engaging and contribute to the emotional depth of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience a sense of belonging and connection, showcasing growth and adaptation to their new environment. However, there could be more significant individual character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to find stability and happiness for their family after experiencing hardship. This reflects their deeper need for security and a sense of normalcy.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to adapt to their new living situation and make connections with others in the camp. This reflects the immediate circumstances of their relocation and adjustment to a new environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

While there is a sense of tension due to the war setting, the scene lacks significant conflict or high stakes, focusing more on the characters' emotional journey and sense of community.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is not strong, as the focus is more on the characters' adaptation and relationships rather than external conflicts.

High Stakes: 5

While there is a sense of uncertainty and hardship due to the war, the scene does not have extremely high stakes or intense conflict, focusing more on the characters' emotional journey and sense of community.

Story Forward: 6

The scene mainly focuses on establishing the characters' new life in the camp, providing important context and setting the stage for future developments. It moves the story forward in terms of character relationships and dynamics.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces new characters and relationships, adding depth to the narrative and creating intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the contrast between the hardships of the past and the hope for a better future. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about resilience and community.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of hope, resilience, and unity, resonating with the audience and creating a poignant atmosphere.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is natural and serves to build relationships and convey emotions effectively. However, there could be more impactful and memorable lines to enhance the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it captures the emotional journey of the characters and their efforts to rebuild their lives in a new environment.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions and experiences, creating a sense of progression and development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear establishment of setting, character introductions, and development of relationships.


Critique
  • The scene does a good job of establishing the setting of the Funkkaserne camp with detailed descriptions of the buildings and facilities.
  • The use of Klarisa's voiceover narration adds depth and insight into the family's experience in the camp.
  • The interactions between the characters, such as Ashot reuniting with his friend Armen and Klarisa finding her friend Gayanne, help to create a sense of community and connection within the camp.
  • The montage sequences effectively show the positive aspects of life in the camp, such as making new friends and being able to work for themselves.
  • The scene effectively conveys the improvement in the family's living conditions and the sense of hope and happiness they experience in the camp.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual details to enhance the description of the courtyard and the interactions between the characters.
  • Explore opportunities to further develop the relationships between the characters, especially between Ashot and Armen, Anna and Erin, and Klarisa and Gayanne.
  • Consider incorporating more sensory details to immerse the audience in the scene, such as sounds of children playing, smells of food being cooked, and the feel of the sun shining in the courtyard.
  • Ensure that the transitions between different moments in the scene are smooth and seamless to maintain the flow of the narrative.
  • Continue to use Klarisa's voiceover narration effectively to provide insight into the family's emotions and experiences in the camp.



Scene 28 -  Life in the Funkkaserne Camp: Resilience Amidst Hardship
INT. FUNKKASERNE CAMP CONVERTED ARMORY. DAY

The Armory has been converted to a small factory on one side
MEN cut and stretch leather while others sew and stitch them
into shoes. On the other side men cut wood and fabricate
tables chairs and other furniture pieces. Ashot works on a
shoe horse stretching and forming the leather into a boot.

DISSOLVE TO:


INT. FUNKKASERNE CAMP WAREHOUSE. DAY

The WOMEN have set up a sewing center on one side of the
warehouse. Cutting tables and foot-operated sewing machines
are busy as the women create new clothing to sell to the
local Germans. Anna sits at a sewing machine applying the
final stitches to a wool coat.


EXT. FUNKKASERNE CAMP GROWING FIELDS. DAY

Erin, Gayanne, Klarisa and Eddie are in the vegetable garden
harvesting red ripe tomatoes.

KLARISA ANANIAN V.O.
Of course we had our problems. A
lot of the men were shell shocked
so they drank vodka all day, some
just passed out, others went
completely crazy!


EXT. FUNKKASERNE CAMP COURTYARD SNOW LINED. NIGHT

View from Klarisa’s window. A MIDDLE AGE MAN, drunk and
shirtless runs aimlessly around the courtyard yelling at the
top of his lungs.

MIDDLE AGE MAN
Mama Jan why did you leave me? Why?
Why?

He runs in circles, babbling incoherently. Running out of
steam, he trips and falls face first into the mud.

CUT TO:


EXT. FUNKKASERNE CAMP CHURCH BUILDING. DAY
71.


ESTABLISHING SHOT:

A large assembly building near the courtyard has been
converted into a church. A wooden cross crowns the entrance.
A BRIDE and GROOM are carried on chairs out of the church
doors. They are accompanied by about TWO THOUSAND GUESTS as
they make their way to the center courtyard.

KLARISA ANANIAN V.O.
Every time there was a wedding a
couple of thousand people showed
up. It was the same with funerals.

MONTAGE:

Everyone is now wearing black it’s the same shot as before
except now SIX PALLBEARERS carry a wooden coffin over their
heads. They exit the church and two thousand camp members
follow as they walk towards the exit of the camp.

KLARISA ANANIAN V.O. (CONT’D)
Our best parties were when a baby
was born. It would take almost two
days for everyone in the camp to
personally congratulate the parents
and family. After a few births we
figured out a better way.

The center courtyard is full of guests. The NEW PARENTS are
on stage holding the NEW CHILD. The father takes the baby
from its mother’s arms and holds it up for the crowd to see.
The camp members CLAP and HOLLER creating an ear numbing
ROAR.

KLARISA ANANIAN V.O. (CONT’D)
We had our own school were we
learned to read and write in
Armenian. They taught us history,
math and geography. Our favorite
lessons where about the United
States of America. All our hopes
were that we might get to someday
live there, to us it was the
promised land.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Historical"]

Summary This scene offers a glimpse into the daily life of Armenian refugees living in the Funkkaserne Camp after World War I. Through a series of montages and voiceover narration by Klarisa Ananian, we see the camp's activities, including workshops for shoemaking, furniture making, and sewing. Ananian also describes the emotional toll of the war on the refugees, highlighting the challenges of alcoholism and mental breakdowns. Despite these hardships, the camp demonstrates a strong sense of community, with large gatherings for weddings, funerals, and the celebration of new life. The scene concludes with a focus on the camp's school, where children learn Armenian language and culture, and about the United States, symbolizing their hope for a brighter future.
Strengths
  • Authentic portrayal of community life
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Cultural richness and traditions
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant conflict or tension

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively captures the emotional depth and resilience of the characters, while also providing a glimpse into the daily life and aspirations of the Armenian refugees.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of showcasing the community life, education efforts, and cultural traditions of the Armenian refugees in a camp setting is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot focuses on the daily life and activities of the characters in the camp, providing a sense of normalcy and hope amidst the backdrop of war and displacement.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the experiences of individuals living in a camp during challenging times, with a focus on community, resilience, and the pursuit of a better future. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and showcase a range of emotions, from resilience to hope to grief, adding depth and authenticity to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character arcs in this scene, the characters' resilience and sense of community are reinforced, showcasing their growth and strength.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find a sense of belonging and purpose in the camp. They are seeking stability and a sense of identity amidst the chaos and challenges of their circumstances.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to contribute to the camp's economy by working on various tasks like harvesting vegetables, sewing clothes, and creating furniture. They are focused on survival and sustainability in the camp environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

While there are hints of past trauma and challenges faced by the characters, the scene primarily focuses on the positive aspects of community and hope, resulting in a lower conflict level.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene, such as the challenges of daily life in the camp and the characters' internal struggles, adds tension and conflict to the narrative, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

High Stakes: 4

While the characters face challenges and uncertainties, the scene primarily focuses on the positive aspects of community and hope, resulting in lower stakes.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides insight into the daily life and aspirations of the characters, moving the story forward by highlighting their resilience and hopes for the future.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it presents unexpected moments and emotional shifts, keeping the audience invested in the characters' journeys and the outcome of their actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's desire for a better life in the United States and the harsh reality of their current situation in the camp. This conflict challenges their beliefs and values, as they grapple with the idea of the 'promised land' versus the struggles of their daily life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from hope to nostalgia to bittersweetness, creating a strong emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and reflective of the characters' emotions and aspirations, enhancing the authenticity of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it immerses the audience in the daily life and struggles of the characters in the camp, creating a sense of empathy and connection with their experiences.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively conveys the passage of time and the characters' activities in the camp, maintaining a balance between descriptive details and narrative progression.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct settings and transitions, effectively conveying the passage of time and the characters' activities in the camp environment.


Critique
  • The scene transitions between different locations and activities within the camp quite abruptly, which can make it feel disjointed and disconnected.
  • The voiceover narration by Klarisa Ananian provides some context and insight into the challenges faced by the camp members, but it feels a bit heavy-handed and could be integrated more seamlessly into the scene.
  • The visual descriptions of the various activities happening in the camp are vivid and detailed, but the scene lacks a cohesive narrative thread to tie everything together.
  • The portrayal of the drunk man running around the courtyard and yelling seems a bit stereotypical and could be handled with more nuance and sensitivity.
  • The montage of weddings, funerals, and baby births provides a glimpse into the community life within the camp, but the transitions between these events could be smoother to enhance the flow of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider focusing on one specific aspect or event within the camp to provide a more coherent and engaging narrative for the scene.
  • Integrate Klarisa's voiceover narration more organically into the visuals and actions of the characters to create a more seamless storytelling experience.
  • Explore ways to depict the emotional depth and complexity of the characters, especially in moments of distress or celebration, to add depth and authenticity to the scene.
  • Ensure that the transitions between different activities and events within the camp are smooth and logical to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • Consider adding moments of quiet reflection or introspection for the characters to balance out the more chaotic and lively aspects of the scene.



Scene 29 -  Hope for a New Life
INT. FUNKKASERNE CAMP SCHOOL BUILDING. DAY

Approximately three hundred students sit quietly paying
attention to their TEACHER who is pointing at a map attached
to a chalkboard.
72.


TEACHER
Alright, who knows the Capital of
The United States of America?

Klarisa enthusiastically raises her hand.

TEACHER (CONT’D)
Yes Klarisa.

KLARISA
Washington, D.C.

TEACHER
Correct! Washington D.C.

CUT TO:

INT. FUNKKASERNE CAMP CONVERTED ARMORY. DAY

Ashot works diligently creating a new set of boots for
Lieutenant Guardhouse. He applies some black wax and gives
the boots their final polish. He puts down the rag and wax
grabs the boots and heads out the door.

CUT TO:


INT. FUNKKASERNE CAMP ASHOT’S LIVING QUARTERS. DAY

Ashot enters his room to find Anna bent over changing a
blanket on one of the beds.

ASHOT
Hello, my love!

He puts the boots down and starts to hug Anna from behind.

ANNA
What are you doing?
She breaks away and walks over to the window. Gazing out the
window, the sun shines through her hair. Ashot approaches, he
places his hand gently on her cheek appreciating her beauty.

ASHOT
Have I told you how beautiful you
are?

ANNA
Stop it! I haven't been beautiful
for quite some time.
73.


ASHOT
Well you are, where are the
children?

ANNA
They went to Erin’s house. Did you
see the new blanket I got for
Eddie?

Ashot turns her around and starts to passionately kiss her.



FADE TO BLACK.


INT. FUNKKASERNE CAMP LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE’S HEADQUARTERS
DAY.

Ashot knocks on the partially open door leading to
Guardhouse's office.

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
Come in!

Ashot enters with boots in hand.

ASHOT
Hello Commander I have those boots
I promised you!

Ashot proudly holds them up and hands them to Guardhouse.
Guardhouse is completely overwhelmed at how well-made they
are.

ASHOT (CONT’D)
They will last forever, your son
Will wear them.

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
No kidding they are absolutely
beautiful, you made these here at
the camp?

ASHOT
Yes Sir! I want to thank you for
helping me and my family!

Guardhouse puts the boots down and walks up to his desk.

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
I want to do something for you. I’m
going to write a letter of
recommendation for you.
(MORE)
74.

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE (CONT’D)
When you go to America you can use
it to get a job. How do you spell
your name?

ASHOT
America? USA?

LIEUTENANT GUARDHOUSE
Yes, the USA. Now spell your name!


CUT TO:


EXT. FUNKKASERNE CAMP ASHOT’S LIVING QUARTERS. DAY

Ashot, Anna, Klarisa and Eddie are sitting around a small
table in the middle of the room. Anna is serving them a hot
meal of chicken, potatoes and a variety of vegetables.

ASHOT
The American Commander said we
might get a chance to go to
America! He gave me this letter.

He hands Anna the letter.

ASHOT (CONT’D)
He said I can get a job in the USA
with that letter. Make sure you
hide it Anna

ANNA
Don’t worry, I will put it in my
Bible.

KLARISA
We are going to America? Can we go
to Washington, D.C.? The President
of the United States lives there!
ASHOT
Yes if we get to go I’ll take you
to Washington D.C.

ANNA
The girls heard an American
Armenian is coming to our camp they
said his name is George Mardikian.
He is suppose to be very rich.
Maybe he will help us?
75.


ASHOT
Oh my God, freedom! Please if there
is a God? Please help us!

EDDIE
America!

Ashot surprised, picks up Eddie kisses him and begins to spin
around the room with Eddie raised above his head.



CUT TO:
Genres: ["Historical Drama","War"]

Summary Ashot, a skilled craftsman, presents Lieutenant Guardhouse with a pair of handmade boots. Impressed by Ashot's talent, the Lieutenant offers to write a letter of recommendation, potentially paving the way for Ashot to find a job in America. Upon sharing this news with his family, excitement and hope fill the air as they envision a brighter future in a new land. Anna mentions an Armenian man named George Mardikian who is visiting the camp, suggesting a potential connection that could aid their journey to America.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Hopeful theme
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited focus on external conflict
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional journey of the characters and sets up a hopeful tone for their future.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of seeking freedom and a better life in America is well-developed and drives the characters' actions.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on Ashot's determination to secure a better future for his family, adding depth to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the immigrant experience, blending elements of hope, love, and perseverance in the face of adversity. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Ashot and Anna, are portrayed with depth and emotion, making their journey relatable and engaging.

Character Changes: 7

Ashot's determination and hope for a better future showcase a significant character change and growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Ashot's internal goal is to provide for his family and secure a better future for them. This reflects his deep desire for freedom and stability, as well as his fear of not being able to protect his loved ones.

External Goal: 7

Ashot's external goal is to receive a letter of recommendation from Lieutenant Guardhouse to secure a job in America. This reflects the immediate challenge of finding a way to escape the camp and provide for his family in a new country.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is internal conflict and obstacles to overcome, the scene focuses more on the characters' hope for a better future.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing challenges and obstacles in their quest for a better life in America.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as the characters face the uncertainty of their future and the challenges of seeking freedom.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by highlighting Ashot's goal of going to America and setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in terms of the characters' future and their journey to America, adding a sense of tension and uncertainty to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the characters' belief in the possibility of a better life in America and their struggle for freedom against the harsh realities of their current situation. This challenges their values of perseverance and hope in the face of adversity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' struggles and hopes, creating a poignant and moving moment.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, enhancing the scene's impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth and intimate character interactions, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles and hopes for a better future.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, leading to a climactic moment of hope and longing for the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for character-driven drama, focusing on intimate moments and emotional interactions to drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from the classroom setting to Ashot working on boots for Lieutenant Guardhouse, which can be disorienting for the audience.
  • The romantic interaction between Ashot and Anna feels somewhat forced and cliched, lacking depth and emotional authenticity.
  • The dialogue between Ashot and Lieutenant Guardhouse lacks subtlety and nuance, coming across as overly formal and unrealistic.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of pacing and structure, with the romantic moment between Ashot and Anna feeling out of place in the context of the larger narrative.
  • The transition from Ashot receiving the letter of recommendation to the family discussing their potential move to America feels rushed and could benefit from more development.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to create a smoother transition between the different moments and locations.
  • Focus on developing the emotional depth of the interactions between characters, particularly in the romantic moments between Ashot and Anna.
  • Work on crafting more natural and authentic dialogue that reflects the characters' personalities and relationships.
  • Add more layers to the scene by exploring the internal thoughts and motivations of the characters, especially in relation to their hopes for the future.
  • Consider adding more visual elements or actions to enhance the storytelling and create a more engaging and dynamic scene.



Scene 30 -  A Promise Fulfilled: Bringing Hope to America
INT. 1940 CHEVY MILITARY SEDAN. DAY

GENERAL HAIG SHEKERJAIN and GEORGE MARDIKIAN are sitting in
the rear of a 1940 Chevy military sedan.

CUT TO:


EXT. FUNKKASERNE CAMP ENTRANCE. DAY

The military sedan is being escorted by a Jeep with two high
ranking soldiers. The gates open and the vehicles pull in.
They exit the sedan and see a church a school and a theater.
The camp members all twenty five hundred have assembled on
the courtyard. They are dressed in their best outfits every
one seems to have some sort of gift in their hands. Flowers,
candy, cookies, and bottles of alcohol. They all face the
camp entrance waiting for their esteemed guests. George
Mardikian’s eyes well up with tears.

GEORGE MARDIKIAN
I’m taking all these people back to
the States!

GENERAL SHEKERJIAN
All of them?

GEORGE MARDIKIAN
All of them!

George opens a camera case strapped over his shoulder, he
pulls out his Kodak Retina camera and takes a snapshot.

CUT TO:
76.


EXT. CIRCA 1948 POWELL STREET SAN FRANCISCO OMAR KHAYYAM’S
RESTAURANT. DAY

Establishing Shot: OMAR KHAYYAMS sign crowning George
Mardikian’s famous basement restaurant on Powell street.
First lady Eleanor Roosevelt's 1936 Ford Phaeton convertible
is parked out front of the buildings entrance. The car’s
front licence plate reads FDR1.


INT. OMAR KHAYYAMS BASEMENT RESTAURANT. DAY

We descend into the cavernous, lavishly decorated restaurant
below. On the left at the bottom of the stairs is the
Rubaiyat lounge with velvet banquettes, low Persian lamps,
and a gleaming chrome cash register. Tables in the restaurant
are contained in curtained chambers straight out of the
Arabian Nights. The walls are decorated with framed
inscriptions from “The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam”. A large
table covered with an overwhelming amount of Mediterranean
food and drink is set in the middle of the room. Eleanor
Roosevelt sits at the head of the table surrounded by FIFTEEN
OF HER FRIENDS and high ranking GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS. George
Mardikian, wearing his chef hat, brings to the table a large
rack of lamb plate with all the fixings.

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
Oh my ! George you have definitely
outdone yourself. Absolutely
divine!

GEORGE MARDIKIAN
I cooked all of this especially for
you, Eleanor!

She turns to focus on George.

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
Alright George what is it? You need
a favor or something?

GEORGE MARDIKIAN
Well now that you mention it
Eleanor I do. Something very close
to my heart.

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
You know if I can help, you can
consider it done. What is it?

George pulls out a black and white picture of the twenty five
hundred Funkkaserne camp members. He hands it to Eleanor.
Eleanor takes a good look and passes it around the table.
77.


GEORGE MARDIKIAN
These are my people. They are
currently in a refugee camp near
Stuttgart Germany. I have been
trying to get them to come to the
United States for close to two
years with no help from the
government.

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
Congress recently signed the
Displaced Persons Act and according
to Harry Truman and I quote, “In
its present form this bill is
flagrantly discriminatory. It mocks
the American tradition of fair
play”. And he is absolutely
correct! But, as flawed as it is,
he signed it because these people
need help now! At the very least
it, opens the doors to help your
people, George.

GEORGE MARDIKIAN
I will do whatever it takes to help
them!

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
You need to get sponsors for each
family. I’m sure the people at this
table can help you, after all, they
are very popular. Isn’t that right,
Senator Cain ?

She glances around the room with an omnipresent stare. They
all react positively. SENATOR CAIN tall, dark and handsome.
He smiles at Eleanor.

SENATOR CAIN
Yes, Eleanor we are blessed. George
I would be honored to help you. My
family owns orange fields in SANTA
PAULA Valley. We can get them jobs
and housing. I’m sure through our
church we can get you the sponsors
you need!

GEORGE MARDIKIAN
I would be deeply indebted to you
Senator Cain!

SENATOR CAIN
It is absolutely not a problem.
78.


He glances at Eleanor, she’s content.

GEORGE MARDIKIAN
(Smiling ear to ear)
I want to thank you all! And
tonight the dinner is compliments
of Senator Cain. Please everyone
eat, drink and be happy.

Senator Cain is surprised but goes along with it as everyone
acknowledges his generosity. George signals to the stage
where his band begins to play a lively Armenian TUNE. George
walks over to Senator Cain, shakes his hand, and leans in to
whisper in his ear.

GEORGE MARDIKIAN (CONT’D)
Don’t worry. The dinners is on me.

SENATOR CAIN
I love you George, you’re the best!
By the way, may I keep this
picture?

GEORGE MARDIKIAN
Of course!

George catches Eleanor’s eye and throws her a kiss across the
table. She smiles back in her preeminence.

FADE TO BLACK.
Genres: ["Historical Drama","War"]

Summary George Mardikian, a renowned Armenian restaurateur, visits the Funkkaserne camp in Germany, where he vows to bring all 2,500 displaced Armenians to the United States. He later meets with Eleanor Roosevelt, who informs him of the recently passed Displaced Persons Act, offering hope but requiring sponsors for each family. Senator Cain steps up, offering his assistance, and George accepts, setting the stage for a monumental effort to bring his people to a new life in America.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Compelling character arcs
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited focus on immediate conflict
  • Potential lack of resolution for existing storylines

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally impactful, well-paced, and sets up a significant turning point in the story with the promise of a new beginning for the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of seeking refuge in America and the challenges faced by displaced persons during wartime is well-developed and engaging.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of the opportunity to move to America, adding depth and complexity to the characters' journey.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh perspective on post-war challenges and the importance of community support, with authentic character actions and dialogue that resonate with the audience.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show resilience, hope, and determination in the face of adversity, making them relatable and compelling.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience a shift in their circumstances and outlook as they are presented with the opportunity to move to America.

Internal Goal: 9

George Mardikian's internal goal is to help his people from the refugee camp in Germany come to the United States, reflecting his deep desire to provide them with a better future and reunite them with their families.

External Goal: 8

George's external goal is to secure sponsors for each family from the refugee camp, ensuring they have jobs and housing in the United States.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is tension surrounding the TB outbreak and the challenges faced by the camp members, the scene focuses more on the promise of a new beginning rather than intense conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and challenge George's goals, keeping the audience uncertain about the outcome.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as the characters face the decision of whether to leave their current situation for a new life in America.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new direction for the characters and setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected generosity of Senator Cain and the emotional twists in George's journey to help his people.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the theme of discrimination and the struggle for fair treatment of displaced persons. This challenges George's belief in justice and equality for all.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of hope, gratitude, and determination, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is poignant, heartfelt, and conveys the characters' emotions effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, compelling character interactions, and the high stakes involved in helping the refugee camp members.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, keeping the audience engaged and invested in George's journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and a progression of events that build towards a resolution.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from the military sedan to the Funkkaserne camp entrance, which may cause confusion for the audience.
  • The introduction of George Mardikian's emotional reaction to the camp members and his declaration of taking them back to the States feels rushed and lacks emotional depth.
  • The dialogue between George Mardikian and General Shekerjian could be more impactful and meaningful to convey the gravity of the situation.
  • The transition to the scene at Omar Khayyam's restaurant in San Francisco feels disjointed and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the narrative.
  • The dialogue between George Mardikian and Eleanor Roosevelt lacks subtlety and could benefit from more nuanced interactions between the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between the military sedan scene and the Funkkaserne camp entrance to improve the flow of the narrative.
  • Develop George Mardikian's emotional journey and motivations further to create a more compelling and authentic character arc.
  • Enhance the dialogue between characters to convey the emotional weight and significance of the decisions being made, particularly in the conversation with Eleanor Roosevelt.
  • Ensure a seamless transition between different locations and scenes to maintain coherence and engagement for the audience.
  • Focus on creating more nuanced and realistic interactions between characters to add depth and authenticity to the dialogue.



Scene 31 -  Hope and Harmony: A Celebration of New Beginnings
INT. FUNKKASERNE CAMP ASHOT’S LIVING QUARTERS. DAY

The song’s HARMONY from the band in the restaurant blends
into Klarisa siting on a chair in the middle of the room
practicing her accordion. Ashot stands by her playing his
mandolin and continuing the HARMONY. Suddenly Ashot stops
playing.

ASHOT
Stop playing!

Klarisa stops and looks up to her father.

ASHOT (CONT’D)
Try playing in a higher note.

Klarisa pulls back on the accordion and hits a higher note.

ASHOT (CONT’D)
That’s it you got it!
79.


They continue to harmonize the lively Armenian song. The
front door opens Anna enters with Eddie in tow. She walks up
to Ashot and whispers in his ear.

ANNA
I’m pregnant.

Ashot stops playing and contemplates her remark.

ASHOT
Are you sure?

ANNA
Yes
I’m sure.

ASHOT
Oh my God we’re going to have a new
baby!

He puts the mandolin down and picks Anna up off the ground.

ANNA
Ashot! Put me down.

Ashot sets her back on her feet.

CUT TO:


INT. FUNKKASERNE CHURCH. DAY

Anna and Erin kneel near the alter praying with their heads
bowed. Anna holds a Bible in her hands. She makes the sign of
the cross and raises the bible to her lips.

ERIN
Anna, could you lend me your Bible?

ANNA
Gladly Erin. May God answer your
prayers.

Anna hands her the Bible.

ERIN
I’m praying we get to raise our
children in America.

ANNA
From your lips to God’s ears!

CUT TO:
80.




EXT. FUNKKASERNE CAMP COURTYARD. DAY

ESTABLISHING SHOT: The camp gates open to a large celebration
The Twenty five hundred camp members have assembled in the
center courtyard.

Sitting at a table overstocked with food and libation are
George Mardikian and his beautiful wife NAZELY. They are
accompanied by General Haig Shekerjian and a couple of CAMP
LEADERS. A few feet in front of them the camp members have
erected a stage in the courtyard. A complete orchestra has
been assembled on stage for entertainment. FOUR FEMALE CAMP
MEMBERS bring plates of skewered meats to the table and
distribute it among the Guests. Klarisa appears on stage and
approaches a microphone stand center stage. Ashot with
Mandolin in hand comes on stage. Anna enters along with the
other Musicians as they all take their places.

KLARISA
(In Armenian)
Dear honored guests we welcome you
with open hearts and open minds. In
the spirt of our ancestors, in the
love of Jesus Christ we accept you
into our home, our camp
Funkkaserne!

Klarisa takes a momentary step back as the band strikes up
the first chords of the song she had been diligently
rehearsing. With a renewed sense of purpose, she moves toward
her accordion, lifting it with familiar ease, and seamlessly
blends into the melody.

Anna, stepping confidently up to the microphone, adds her
vocals, her voice rich and emotive, filling the space with
its resonance. Ashot, not missing a beat, picks up his
mandolin and starts a lively dance in the traditional
Armenian style. His steps are light and expressive as he
circles Anna, serenading her with both his movements and the
music.

The audience, caught up in the joyous performance, roars with
appreciation, their applause and cheers filling the air.
Anna, visibly amused and energized by the response, smiles
broadly as she belts out the song's lyrics with vigor.

As the song draws to a close, Klarisa plays the final,
resonant notes on her accordion, her fingers expertly
navigating the keys. The audience responds with enthusiastic
applause, celebrating the performance they've just witnessed.
81.


Ashot, riding the wave of the audience's energy, steps up
next to Anna by the microphone. He pauses, letting the
applause die down, his expression reflecting a mix of pride
and gratitude as he prepares to address the crowd.

ASHOT
Now, I have the honor of
introducing our esteemed guests,
Mr. And Mrs. Ge orge Mardikian.

The crowd breaks out into a tremendous ROAR as George and
Nazely make their way to the microphone.

GEORGE MARDIKIAN
Thank you Thank you!

George pauses waiting for the crowd to settle down. People
begin to CLANG on their glasses using a fork. The crowd goes
silent.

GEORGE MARDIKIAN (CONT’D)
I brought my beautiful wife Nazely,
with me this time. And we are very
honored to be your guests. Thank
you for all your hospitality..
Today is a very special day for all
of us here. Today is the day I am
happy to announce we now are able
to get visas to America for all
your families.

The crowd claps waiting to hear more.

GEORGE MARDIKIAN (CONT’D)
Now, you need to understand this is
a long process and it could take
months for your paperwork to be
ready. But, I can assure you each
and every one of you will
eventually become American
citizens!
The crowd ROAR becomes overwhelming

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Historical"]

Summary The scene begins with Ashot and Klarisa playing music together, their joy interrupted by Anna's announcement of her pregnancy. Later, Anna and Erin pray, with Anna giving Erin her Bible, highlighting their hopes for a brighter future. A festive gathering takes place in the camp's courtyard, with Klarisa performing a lively song on the accordion while Ashot dances and plays his mandolin. Anna joins in, adding her vocals to the joyous atmosphere. The arrival of George Mardikian and Nazely brings a surge of excitement as George announces that visas to America have been secured for all the camp members. The scene ends with cheers and applause, signifying the community's shared hope and anticipation for their new life in America.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Hopeful tone
  • Strong thematic elements
Weaknesses
  • Limited exploration of past traumas

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally impactful, well-paced, and sets up a significant turning point in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of hope, resilience, and the promise of a new life in America is well-executed and drives the emotional core of the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as the characters receive life-changing news and make plans for the future.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the immigrant experience, blending traditional cultural elements with themes of hope and resilience. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show joy, hope, and determination in the face of adversity, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

The characters experience a shift from uncertainty to hope and determination.

Internal Goal: 8

Klarisa's internal goal is to prove her musical talent and gain her father's approval. This reflects her desire for recognition and validation from her family.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to secure visas for all the camp members to move to America. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in seeking a better life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

While there is a hint of conflict in the characters' past struggles, the scene focuses more on hope and celebration.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the characters face challenges and uncertainties in their quest for visas to America. The audience is kept engaged by the obstacles they must overcome.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as the characters face the opportunity for a new life in America.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a significant development in the characters' journey.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in terms of the characters' reactions to the announcement of visas for America. The audience is kept on edge as they wait to see how the characters will respond.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the characters' desire for freedom and opportunity in America versus their attachment to their cultural heritage and homeland. This challenges their beliefs and values about identity and belonging.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of joy, hope, and anticipation for the characters' future.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is simple but effective in conveying the characters' emotions and reactions to the news.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, cultural richness, and thematic significance. The characters' interactions and the celebratory atmosphere draw the audience in.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and excitement, leading to the climactic announcement of visas for America. The rhythm of the dialogue and action enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a celebratory event, with a clear buildup to the announcement of visas for America. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Ashot and Klarisa harmonizing on their instruments to Anna entering and revealing she is pregnant, which feels disjointed.
  • The dialogue between Ashot and Anna about the pregnancy lacks emotional depth and could be more impactful.
  • The shift to Anna and Erin praying in the church feels disconnected from the previous interactions and could be better integrated into the scene.
  • The introduction of George Mardikian and the announcement about visas to America feels rushed and could benefit from more build-up and emotional resonance.
  • The transition from the intimate family moment to the grand announcement at the camp celebration is jarring and could be smoother.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between the different elements of the scene to create a more cohesive narrative flow.
  • Enhance the emotional depth of the dialogue between Ashot and Anna to make the moment of discovering the pregnancy more impactful.
  • Integrate the announcement about visas to America more organically into the scene to build anticipation and emotional resonance.
  • Provide more context and build-up to George Mardikian's arrival and announcement to create a more impactful and cohesive scene.
  • Consider revising the pacing and structure of the scene to ensure a smoother progression of events and emotional beats.



Scene 32 -  New Life and Uncertain Waters
INT. FUNKKASERNE CAMP INFIRMARY. DAY

The crowd ROAR blends into Anna SCREAMING at the top of her
lungs. She lays in a bed with her legs spread and going
through painful labor contractions.
82.


Doctor Gabralian is examining her cervix as Ashot stands near
Anna holding her hand.

DOCTOR GABRALIAN
The baby is not breached but the
head is facing the wrong way!

Anna’s contractions subside.

ANNA
Something’s wrong Doctor, she won’t
come out!

The contractions start and so do her SCREAMS.

DOCTOR GABRALIAN
I can see her head, push! Push
Anna!

Anna screams louder pushing as hard as she can. Again, the
contractions subside. Anna seems to be slipping out of
consciousness.

ASHOT
Doctor Gabralian something’s wrong
with her?

Doctor Gabralian panics, he gets up and grabs a glass of
water and throws it in her face.



Anna reacts opening her eyes

DOCTOR GABRALIAN
Anna stay with us. I’m going to
pull her out this time You push as
hard as you can! You with me ?

She nods in agreement as the contractions start again. She
pushes with all her might.

ASHOT AND DOCTOR GABRALIAN
(In unison)
Push Anna!

The baby finally exits to everyone’s relief. Nurse Muriel
runs over with a water basin and towels. BABY RIMA starts to
cry as the nurse cleans her up.

NURSE MURIEL
It’s a girl!

CUT TO:
83.


INT. FUNKKASERNE CAMP ASHOT’S LIVING QUARTERS. DAY

Klarisa is sitting in a chair cradling her baby sister in her
arms. Eddie who is now a little older and matured, stands in
front of them staring at Baby Rima in amazement. Anna
prepares dinner in the background.

EDDIE
What’s her name Mama?

ANNA
Rima.

Ashot bursts into the room like a hurricane, he has a large
manila envelope in his hand, he runs around Klarisa and the
baby holding the envelope above his head.

ASHOT
We got it! We really got it!

ANNA
Got what?

ASHOT
We got our freedom! These are our
Visas.

Ashot opens the manila envelope and pulls out the documents.

ASHOT (CONT’D)
We are going to a place called...
Santa Paula, California!

They all look back at Ashot with blank stares.

We hear the FAINT PISTON CYCLE of a steamship.

DISSOLVE TO:


EXT. ESTABLISHING SHOT ATLANTIC OCEAN OFF THE NEW YORK COAST.
DAY

USS GENERAL MACRE, American troop transport vessel, capacity
three thousand plus cargo. As we near the ship the sound of
PISTON CYCLE becomes more audible. Over the deck we enter the
bowels of the ship where the PISTON CYCLE SOUND multiplies
into a hostile drone.
84.


INT. STEAMSHIP ENGINE COMPARTMENT. DAY

The ship’s engine department is damp and dimly lit. Soiled
CREW MEMBERS work diligently maintaining the engine’s
operations. We move through the engine compartment and into a
cargo hold separated by a watertight door. Inside the cargo
hold are approximately TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY REFUGEES. People
are spread out across the cargo hold some laying on cots
others on the ship’s floor. Ashot lays on a cot fast asleep,
Klarisa cradles the baby sitting on a wooden crate near Anna
and Eddie. Ashot starts to SNORE when a few drops of water
trickle onto his face. He stops snoring and moves to wipe his
cheek when even more water splatters on his head. Waking up
annoyed he looks up to see where it’s coming from. He stands
up and examines the ship’s hull. A rivet joining two steel
plates is spurting out an intermittent stream of water.

ASHOT
Oh my God, the ship has a hole in
it!

ANNA
You better tell some one!

ASHOT
Move our stuff before it gets wet
our Visa papers are in there. I’ll
go get someone!

Ashot exits through the watertight door and into the engine
room. He waves down one of the ENGINEERING PERSONNEL. The
Engineer nears Ashot yelling over the engine NOISE.

ENGINEER
What’s the problem?

Ashot points to the cargo bay. He signals the engineer to
follow him. They enter the cargo bay and Ashot leads him to
the water leak.

ENGINEER (CONT’D)
Don’t worry it’s not bad, I’ll send
someone to fix it.

The engineer turns and heads back to the engine compartment.
A PREGNANT WOMAN sitting nearby turns green from sea
sickness, she leans down and vomits.

ASHOT
Anna I think we need some fresh air
let’s go up to the deck.
85.


They all quickly get up and leave.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Historical"]

Summary Anna gives birth to a baby girl after a difficult labor, bringing joy and relief to the family. Ashot reveals they have received their visas and will be moving to Santa Paula, California. However, their happiness is tempered by a water leak discovered on the ship, adding a layer of uncertainty to their journey.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Some cliched moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally charged, well-paced, and pivotal in the story's progression.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of birth, hope, and new beginnings is central to the scene, showcasing the resilience and determination of the characters.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the birth of Rima and the family's journey towards America, adding depth and complexity to the narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to the familiar theme of childbirth, adding elements of danger and urgency to create a unique and gripping story. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show vulnerability, strength, and unity during the challenging circumstances, making them relatable and engaging.

Character Changes: 8

Anna experiences the transformative moment of giving birth, while the family as a whole undergoes a significant change as they embark on a new journey.

Internal Goal: 9

Anna's internal goal is to successfully give birth to her child and survive the labor process. This reflects her deep desire to protect and nurture her child, as well as her fear of losing her own life in the process.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to ensure the safety of her child and herself during childbirth, as well as to receive medical assistance from Doctor Gabralian.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is internal and external, with the characters facing challenges and uncertainties but also finding strength and support.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing life-threatening challenges and unexpected complications. The audience is kept in suspense, unsure of the outcome.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes involve the safety and well-being of Anna and the newborn baby, as well as the family's hopes for a better future in America.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new character, highlighting the family's progress, and setting the stage for their future in America.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected complications during childbirth and the characters' reactions to the crisis. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the value of life and the struggle for survival in the face of adversity. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the importance of family and the will to live.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of joy, relief, and anticipation, creating a powerful connection with the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and realistic, conveying the characters' emotions and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, emotional intensity, and fast-paced action. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggle for survival and the outcome of the childbirth.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and description that keeps the story moving forward and maintains the tension throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and characters.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The transition from the celebratory atmosphere of the previous scene to Anna's intense labor and delivery is quite abrupt and may be jarring for the audience.
  • The scene lacks a smooth transition between the different emotional tones, making it feel disjointed.
  • The dialogue during Anna's labor and delivery could be more realistic and reflective of the intensity of the situation.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved to build more tension and suspense during Anna's difficult labor.
  • The resolution of Anna's labor and the introduction of Baby Rima feels rushed and could benefit from more emotional depth and connection with the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between the celebratory mood of the previous scene and the intense labor and delivery scene to maintain continuity.
  • Work on the dialogue to make it more authentic and reflective of the high-stakes situation of Anna's labor.
  • Focus on building tension and suspense during Anna's difficult labor to engage the audience and create a more impactful moment.
  • Allow more time for the resolution of Anna's labor and the introduction of Baby Rima to add emotional depth and connection with the characters.
  • Consider pacing the scene in a way that allows for a more gradual shift in tone and emotion to create a more cohesive and engaging narrative.



Scene 33 -  A Ship in Distress
EXT. USS GENERAL MACRE TOP DECK . DAY

Ashot and his family are standing on the bow of the ship
enjoying a beautiful sunset. In the distance, we can begin to
make out the United States coastline.

KLARISA
Look Papa, I can see it! America!

ASHOT
Yes it is!

The sun sets as darkness falls and cloaks the view of land in
the distance.

ANNA
We better get back.

They all turn and head for the stairway heading down to the
cargo hold. As they near the stairwell Ashot sees a stream of
refugees exiting carrying their belongings up the stairs onto
the deck. Ashot approaches a REFUGEE.

ASHOT
What’s happening, where is everyone
going?

REFUGE
It’s flooded down there, we’re
moving to the front of the ship.

ASHOT
God damn it! Our visa papers!

Ashot rushes down the stairs pushing by others trying to get
out. He enters the cargo hold and sees TWO ENGINEERS working
trying to shore up a gushing hole. Ashot steps into knee-high
water. He wades around the floating debris of personal
belongings looking for his things.

ENGINEER 1
You need to get out right now!

ASHOT
I need my visa papers!

The Engineer working on the leak turns and heads to the
stairwells water tight door, he closes it and moves toward
the engine compartment. He grabs Ashot by the arm.
86.


ENGINEER 2
Let’s go we need to seal the
compartment!

Ashot sees the tea kettle floating and still attached to the
pillowcase. He reaches out and snags it as they exit the
cargo compartment. The watertight door SLAMS and CRANKS shut.

CUT TO:



EXT. USS GENERAL MACRE TOP DECK. DAY

CREW MEMBERS move all the REFUGES toward the bow of the ship.
The ship has now taken on a substantial amount of water in
it’s stern compartments lifting the bow ten feet out of the
water. Anna, Klarisa, Eddie, and baby Rima have been placed
on a life boat.

CUT TO:


INT. USS GENERAL MACRE NAVIGATION DECK. DAY

The navigation deck is chaotic, NAVY PERSONNEL are running
around performing their duties in panic mode.

CAPTAIN LESSER, late fifties, pale, white, skin, piercing,
blue eyes, an excellent captain with a big problem. He turns
to his FIRST LIEUTENANT THOMAS JOHNSON, mid-forties square-
jawed, handsome.

CAPTAIN LESSER
How long until the Coast Guard get
here!?

LIEUTENANT JOHNSON
ETA is sixty-five minutes, Sir!

CAPTAIN LESSER
Get all the women and children off
first. I’m not taking any chances!

LIEUTENANT JOHNSON
Lifeboats are being loaded as we
speak, Captain!

CAPTAIN LESSER
Unbelievable! Just a few more miles
and she would have made it home!

CUT TO:
87.


EXT. USS GENERAL MACRE TOP DECK . DAY

The SHIP’S CREW MEMBERS are about to lower the lifeboat into
the choppy sea. Ashot has approached the life boat. Klarisa
stands up and yells.

KLARISA
Papa!!! Papa!

CREW MEMBER
Go ahead, Bring it in!

The life Boat starts its descent. Ashot tosses Klarisa the
Copper Kettle attached to the pillowcase, she reels it in
just as the life-boat hits the water. Ashot looks down the
side of the ship contemplating jumping overboard. He looks
back towards the length of the ship noticing the ever-
increasing slope of the deck. He turns to remove a flotation
device strapped to the ship’s deck rail.

CREW MEMBER (CONT’D)
Hey you! Don’t do that the Coast
Guard is coming!



Ashot throws the flotation ring, climbs the rail and jumps
feet first into the water and out of sight. The crew member
runs over to the guardrail and looks over waiting for Ashot
to emerge. A few moments pass and no Ashot. The crew member
climbs to the top of the guardrail.

CREW MEMBER (CONT’D)
Where did he go?

The crew member spots a SHARK FIN circling ominously around
Ashot’s submersion. Ashot abruptly emerges from the depths of
the ocean. Getting his bearings, he swims towards the
lifeboat with shark in tow.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Historical","War"]

Summary As Ashot and his family enjoy a sunset on the USS General Macre, a sudden emergency unfolds. A flooded cargo hold forces passengers to evacuate, and Ashot frantically rushes back to retrieve his visa papers. Amidst the chaos and flooding, Ashot narrowly escapes with the Engineer, while the Captain and crew work desperately to evacuate passengers onto lifeboats. The scene culminates in a heart-stopping moment as Ashot leaps into the churning sea after his family, only to find himself pursued by a menacing shark.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Emotional depth
  • High stakes
  • Character resilience
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue depth
  • Character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion, keeping the audience engaged with the characters' struggles and the high-stakes situation. The chaotic and desperate tone adds depth to the storytelling.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a refugee family facing a life-threatening situation while on a ship journeying to America is compelling and adds a sense of urgency to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a clear conflict and escalating tension as the characters navigate the dangerous situation on the ship.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on a familiar disaster scenario, focusing on the personal stakes and emotional turmoil of the characters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show determination, fear, and hope in the face of adversity, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters show resilience and determination in the face of danger, showcasing their growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Ashot's internal goal is to find his visa papers amidst the chaos and danger of the flooding ship. This reflects his desire to protect his family and ensure their safety.

External Goal: 9

Ashot's external goal is to save himself and his family from the sinking ship. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high, with the characters facing a life-threatening situation and having to make difficult decisions to survive.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene, including the flooding ship, the urgency of the situation, and the presence of a shark, creates a sense of danger and uncertainty, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters face a life-threatening situation on the ship, adding tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a life-threatening crisis and forcing the characters to make crucial decisions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, such as Ashot jumping into the water and facing a shark, adding suspense and tension.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the value of personal belongings versus the value of human life. Ashot's determination to find his visa papers contrasts with the urgency of the situation and the need to prioritize safety.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly fear, hope, and desperation, as the characters face a perilous situation.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is focused on conveying urgency and emotion, but could benefit from more depth and character development.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced action, and emotional intensity, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a disaster genre, building tension and conflict leading to a dramatic climax.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a sense of urgency and chaos as Ashot realizes the cargo hold is flooded and rushes to retrieve their visa papers. This creates tension and sets the stage for the impending danger.
  • The dialogue between Ashot and the engineers in the cargo hold effectively conveys the urgency of the situation and Ashot's desperation to find his important documents.
  • The visual description of the flooding cargo hold and Ashot wading through knee-high water adds to the sense of danger and urgency in the scene.
  • The transition to the top deck of the ship where the refugees are being evacuated effectively conveys the escalating crisis and the efforts to ensure the safety of women and children first.
  • The scene ends with a cliffhanger as Ashot jumps into the water to escape the flooding ship, leaving the reader in suspense about his fate.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more emotional depth to the scene by exploring Ashot's internal thoughts and feelings as he faces the possibility of losing their visa papers and the danger of the sinking ship.
  • Enhance the description of the chaos and panic on the ship's deck to further heighten the tension and urgency of the situation.
  • Provide more context or background information about the flooding and the ship's condition to help the reader understand the gravity of the situation.
  • Consider adding a resolution to Ashot's fate after he jumps into the water, whether it's his successful rescue or a cliffhanger ending to keep the suspense going.
  • Ensure a smooth transition between the different locations and characters to maintain the flow of the scene and keep the reader engaged.



Scene 34 -  Arrival at Ellis Island
INT. LIFE BOAT. DAY

Klarisa leans over the edge of the lifeboat waving her hands
in desperation.

KLARISA
Hurry Papa! Swim as fast as you
can! There’s a big fish following
you!
88.


Ashot turns and sees the shark getting closer, he turns and
starts swimming at an adrenaline fueled pace. Reaching the
lifeboat, he reaches out trying to grab on to the edge of the
boat. An ELDERLY MAN and his TWO TEENAGE GRANDSONS move into
position reaching out and clutching Ashot by his arms. They
all strain to pull Ashot out of the water and into the boat.

ASHOT
(Breathing heavy)
Thank you! I thought I was going to
die!

We see in the distance an armada of Coast Guard vessels
traveling at full speed towards the USS GENERAL MACRE.

CUT TO:


INT. COAST GUARD VESSEL. DAY


Ashot has changed out of his wet clothing and is now wearing
a borrowed Coast Guard uniform. He sits next to Klarisa with
his arm around her happy to be alive. Anna, Eddie and Rima
sit on a bench nearby. The Coast Guard Cutter is approaching
The Statue of Liberty. Klarisa jumps up from her seat and
points as the Coast Guard Cutter cruises by Liberty Island.

KLARISA
Mama, look it’s the Virgin Mary!
She’s here in America!

ANNA
(Smiles)
No sweetie, that is the Statue of
Liberty. She stands for Freedom in
the United States of America.

KLARISA
She’s beautiful!

ASHOT
Yes, she sure is!

CUT TO:


INT. ELLIS ISLAND IMMIGRATION BUILDING. DAY

HUNDREDS OF IMMIGRANTS are crammed into the central waiting
room, most have their Visa papers in hand. Ashot, Anna,
Klarisa, Eddie and Rima are sitting in the center of the
room waiting their turn.
89.


Anna turns around to look at the crowd behind her, she spots
Erin and her family a few rows behind. Erin recognizes her as
they wave to each other.

ASHOT
(Glances around the room)
Everyone has their Visa papers but
us!

ANNA
Whose fault is that?

ASHOT
It’s not my fault! How was I
supposed to know the ship was going
to sink?

ANNA
You should have kept them on you.

Sitting at a desk at the front of the room is the MAIN CLERK
late sixties gray hair no nonsense attitude. He writes 39 on
a piece of paper and raises it up in the air.

MAIN CLERK
Thirty Nine anybody Thirty nine?

Ashot looks down at his ticket.

ASHOT
That’s us!

Ashot raises the ticket above his head. The Clerk waves them
over. Ashot and family are lead into an interview room.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Historical","War"]

Summary After surviving a shipwreck and being rescued by a kind elderly man and his grandsons, Ashot and his family are brought to Ellis Island by the Coast Guard. They are thrilled to be alive and excited about their new life in America, despite Ashot's lingering worry about their lost visa papers. As they wait among a throng of other immigrants, they catch sight of the Statue of Liberty and are called for their interview, marking the beginning of their journey into their new home.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Compelling character arcs
  • Engaging plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Pacing in certain sections

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and resilience of the characters, keeping the audience engaged and invested in their journey.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the family's journey to America amidst a war-torn backdrop is compelling and offers a unique perspective on the immigrant experience.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a clear progression of events that drive the narrative forward and create tension and emotional impact.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to the immigrant experience by combining elements of survival and hope in a dramatic setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and undergo significant emotional challenges, making them relatable and engaging for the audience.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant emotional changes and growth throughout the scene, particularly in their resilience and determination.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to survive and ensure the safety of his family. This reflects his deeper need for protection, security, and the fear of losing his loved ones.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to reach America and start a new life. This reflects the immediate circumstances of escaping danger and seeking a better future.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts that drive the characters' actions and decisions, adding tension and drama to the narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing life-threatening situations and bureaucratic obstacles that add tension and conflict.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of survival, family unity, and the pursuit of a better life in a war-torn setting add urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by advancing the characters' journey and introducing new challenges and opportunities.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected dangers and challenges the characters face, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is evident in the protagonist's sense of responsibility and accountability for the situation they are in. It challenges his beliefs about fate and control over one's destiny.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions from sadness to hope, creating a strong emotional connection with the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, adding depth to their interactions and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, emotional moments, and dynamic character interactions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing action, dialogue, and emotional beats to keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, building tension, and resolving conflicts effectively.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a sense of urgency and tension considering the life-threatening situation of Ashot being pursued by a shark and trying to reach the lifeboat.
  • The dialogue between Ashot and Anna feels a bit forced and could be more natural and reflective of the high-stress situation they are in.
  • The transition from Ashot being in the water to suddenly being in a Coast Guard uniform on a vessel feels abrupt and could use a smoother transition.
  • The interaction between Klarisa and Anna about the Statue of Liberty could be more emotionally impactful and reflective of the significance of their arrival in America.
  • The dialogue between Ashot and Anna in the waiting room at Ellis Island could be more nuanced and reflective of the emotional journey they have been through.
Suggestions
  • Add more descriptive language to convey the urgency and danger of Ashot being pursued by a shark, creating a more intense and gripping scene.
  • Revise the dialogue between Ashot and Anna to make it more authentic and reflective of the stress and emotions they would be feeling in that moment.
  • Consider a smoother transition between Ashot being in the water and then suddenly being on a Coast Guard vessel to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Enhance the interaction between Klarisa and Anna about the Statue of Liberty to capture the emotional significance of their arrival in America.
  • Refine the dialogue between Ashot and Anna in the waiting room at Ellis Island to make it more nuanced and reflective of their journey and the challenges they have faced.



Scene 35 -  The Letter of Hope
INT. ELLIS ISLAND IMMIGRATION INTERVIEW ROOM DAY.

IMMIGRATION OFFICER DONALD HENDERSON, mid forties, light
brown hair, hazel eyes, insensitive disposition. Ashot and
his family sit quietly humbled by the officer’s presence.

OFFICER HENDERSON
Can I please see your Visa papers?

ASHOT
I’m very sorry sir my papers are on
the bottom of the ocean.

OFFICER HENDERSON
You were on the General Macre?
90.


ASHOT
Yes sir we lost almost all our
belongings.

OFFICER HENDERSON
Well this makes things very
difficult for us to process. Do you
have anything that will tell us who
you are?

ASHOT
No sir.

Officer Henderson stands up and moves towards the door.

OFFICER HENDERSON
Please wait here I need to speak to
a supervisor.

Officer Henderson leaves the room closing the door behind
him.

ASHOT
Oh my God they are going to send us
back to Russia!

ANNA
Thanks to you!

Anna has a revelation she jumps up out of her chair handing
baby Rima to Ashot and heading for the door.

ASHOT
Where are you going?

ANNA
To save us!



Anna rushes out to the hallway where she is noticed by a
SUPERVISOR IMMIGRATION OFFICER. He watches her as she runs
into the waiting area.



CUT TO:


INT. ELLIS ISLAND IMMIGRATION OFFICE WAITING AREA. DAY

Anna enters the waiting area and approaches Erin and Gayanne.
She leans in and kisses both of them on the cheek.
91.


ANNA
Hi Erin, Gayanne, how’s everything
going?

ERIN
Everything is alright God heard us
and here we are in America! How
about you?

ANNA
We have a big problem, please tell
me you have my Bible?

ERIN
Oh my God, I forgot to give it back
to you! I’m so sorry!

ANNA
It’s okay, Erin please say you
still have it!

ERIN
I do, it’s right here in my bag.

She opens her bag and hands Anna the Bible. Anna opens the
Bible and finds Commander Guardhouse’s letter.

ANNA
Erin, you saved our lives! Thank
you!

Anna rushes back towards the interview room.

CUT TO:


INT. ELLIS ISLAND IMMIGRATION INTERVIEW OFFICE. DAY

Officer Henderson is now back at his desk shuffling through
papers. Baby Rima is agitated, she WHIMPERS and CRIES as
Klarisa tries to comfort her.

OFFICER HENDERSON
We are searching for your
application. Unfortunately, this
can take quite awhile. We need to
have some proof of who you are
before we can let you in to the
country.

Ashot slumps into his chair in despair when suddenly the door
swings open. Officer Henderson is taken aback as Anna swoops
in with Bible in hand. Ashot jumps to attention and
approaches the desk.
92.


OFFICER HENDERSON (CONT’D)
What is this?

ANNA
It’s proof of who we are!

Anna opens the Bible and removes the letter handing it to
Officer Henderson.

ASHOT
The American Commander at the camp
gave it to me as a recommendation
for a job. It has my name on it!

Henderson opens the letter and puts on his reading glasses.
OFFICER HENDERSON
Well, let’s take a look. Can I ask
why he gave you this letter?

ASHOT
I made him a pair of new boots.

Officer Henderson scrutinizes the letter he stops a moment to
look over his glasses at Ashot and then back to letter.

OFFICER HENDERSON
I’ve seen these letters before most
of them are fake.

SUPERVISOR JOHN WALLACE stern and authoritative enters the
room and observes the situation.

SUPERVISOR WALLACE
What’s the problem here?

OFFICER HENDERSON
They apparently have a letter from
a U.S. Commander.

SUPERVISOR WALLACE
Let me have a look at the letter.

Officer Henderson hands him the letter. The Supervisor reads
through it, he notices the Colonel’s military seal stamp on
the bottom of the letter, using his thumb he feels the
embossed seal.

SUPERVISOR WALLACE (CONT’D)
Lieutenant Colonel William
Guardhouse! Unbelievable you know
this man is a war hero!
(MORE)
93.

SUPERVISOR WALLACE (CONT’D)
He single- handed took out a German
artillery unit saved hundreds of
our soldiers. This letter is
authentic! Go ahead Donald start
the paperwork, I’ll approve it!

Officer Henderson shakes his head in disbelief. He shuffles
the papers together, pulls a stamp and ink pad from his desk
drawer. He folds up the letter and hands it to Ashot.

OFFICER HENDERSON
(Stamping the papers)
Welcome to America !

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Historical"]

Summary Ashot and his family face deportation after losing their documents in a shipwreck. Anna, desperate to save her family, retrieves a crucial recommendation letter from Commander Guardhouse hidden in her Bible. Supervisor Wallace, recognizing the letter's significance, verifies its authenticity and saves the family from being deported.
Strengths
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Compelling character development
  • Resonant themes of hope and resilience
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly cliched or predictable

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and eventual relief of the characters as they navigate the immigration process, with a strong focus on character development and themes of resilience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of starting anew in a foreign land after facing immense challenges is compelling and well-executed, providing a sense of hope and closure for the characters.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the characters' struggle to prove their identity and gain entry into the United States, with a satisfying resolution that ties up loose ends and offers a sense of closure.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the immigrant experience, with unique character dynamics and a compelling narrative arc.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show growth and determination, with Anna's quick thinking and Ashot's perseverance shining through in the face of adversity.

Character Changes: 7

Anna's quick thinking and determination to save her family showcase her growth and resourcefulness, while Ashot's perseverance and resilience are highlighted in the face of adversity.

Internal Goal: 8

Ashot's internal goal is to prove his identity and worthiness to enter America, reflecting his desire for a better life and fear of being sent back to Russia.

External Goal: 9

Ashot's external goal is to convince the immigration officers of his authenticity and gain entry into America, reflecting the immediate challenge he faces in the immigration process.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict mainly revolves around the characters' struggle to prove their identity and gain entry into the United States, with internal and external obstacles adding tension to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing significant challenges and obstacles in achieving their goals.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes of potentially being denied entry into the United States after surviving a perilous journey add tension and urgency to the scene, heightening the emotional impact and importance of the characters' success.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by resolving the characters' immigration dilemma and setting the stage for their new life in America, providing a sense of closure and anticipation for what's to come.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected turn of events and the characters' surprising actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between the immigrants' belief in their own worth and the officers' skepticism and suspicion. This challenges Ashot's values of hard work and honesty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, ranging from anxiety and despair to relief and joy, creating a powerful connection with the characters' journey.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, driving the plot forward and adding depth to their interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, emotional conflict, and character-driven storytelling.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a satisfying resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic immigration narrative, building tension and resolution effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively creates tension and conflict by introducing the challenge of proving identity without visa papers.
  • The emotional stakes are high as the family faces the possibility of being sent back to Russia.
  • The revelation of Anna having the Commander's letter in her Bible adds a twist of hope and resolution to the scene.
  • The interaction between Officer Henderson, Anna, and Ashot builds suspense and keeps the audience engaged.
  • The resolution of the scene is satisfying as the Supervisor recognizes the authenticity of the letter and approves their entry into America.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal conflict for Ashot as he grapples with the fear of being sent back to Russia.
  • Enhance the emotional impact of Anna's revelation by building up the suspense leading to her finding the letter.
  • Explore the dynamics between the characters further to deepen the relationships and add layers to the scene.
  • Add a moment of reflection or realization for Ashot and Anna after they are approved to enter America to show the weight of their journey.
  • Consider incorporating subtle visual cues or gestures to convey the characters' emotions and reactions throughout the scene.



Scene 36 -  A New Beginning: Abundance and Gratitude
EXT. SANTA PAULA CALIFORNIA ORANGE GROOVES. DAY

ESTABLISHING SHOT:

Thousands of Orange trees create the seemingly unending
groves. They sweep through the valley’s two thousand acre
site. As we near, we notice the trees are overflowing with
huge ripe oranges. In the distance is a development of two
hundred American bungalow style homes. Most contain two
bedrooms with small front and backyards. We stop at one of
the homes in the center of the street.

CUT TO:


INT. SMALL TWO BEDROOM AMERICAN BUNGALOW HOUSE. DAY

A large pot of soup stews on a small four burner stove. Anna
lifts the pot lid and gives it a quick stir. Klarisa and
Eddie are sitting on the living room floor playing with Baby
Rima. Anna exits the kitchen with a baby bottle full of milk.
She picks up Rima and begins to feed her the milk.

ANNA
Put Eddie’s shoes on, we are going
into town. Papa said they have
stores with anything you can think
of.

CUT TO:


INT. 1949 FORD SEDAN. DAY

Ashot sits in the passenger seat with his new friend, NISHAN
KERKORIAN.
94.


Built like a boxer, dark eyes, five o'clock shadow. They
drive through the housing development on an asphalt paved
street.

NISHAN
The orange picking season will be
over soon. You need to come to Los
Angeles with me, more work and more
money!

ASHOT
I don’t know anybody in Los
Angeles.

NISHAN
Don't worry my younger brother
Krekor is a big shot in Los
Angeles. Believe me, he can get you
a job.

ASHOT
Thank you so much! Mr. Kerkorian.
My family will be indebted to you.

NISHAN
Please call me Nishan and you have
to understand when my parents came
here from Armenia, they were like
you broke with just their clothes
on their backs. When your ready to
come you call me!

Ashot glances over to the houses.

ASHOT
It’s coming up here on the right.
Thank you so much for doing this!

Nishan pulls up and parks in front of the small house. Ashot
jumps out and closes the door. He runs and enters through the
front door.


INT. SMALL TWO BEDROOM AMERICAN BUNGALOW HOUSE. DAY

Ashot enters to see his family are ready to go.

ASHOT
Everybody ready? My friend Nishan
is going to give us a ride in his
new car.

KLARISA
I’m ready Papa let’s go!
95.


EDDIE
Me too! I’m ready!

ASHOT
Alright let’s go!

He opens the door as they all move outside towards the car.

CUT TO:


EXT. DOWNTOWN SANTA PAULA MAIN BOULEVARD. DAY

Nishan pulls his Ford sedan up to a large supermarket on the
corner of the street. Ashot jumps out and opens the rear door
letting everybody out. The car door slams shut as Nishan
drives away. They stand in front of the large glass double
doors. Ashot pushes the door open and they all enter a
massive grocery store with over fifteen isles of shelves
stacked high with a variety of different foods.

ASHOT
Oh my God! It’s like a museum of
food!

They all have expressions of amazement. Ashot spots the
butcher department on the right side of the store. Klarisa
and Eddie spot the snack isle. Anna gazes at all the fruits
and vegetables. She quickly makes the sign of the cross.

ANNA
Thank you, God for bringing us to
America!


Nishan enters the store and approaches Ashot and his family.

ASHOT
Let’s get what we need, we only
have eight dollars!

Nishan steps up behind Ashot and places his hand onto Ashot’s
shoulder.

NISHAN
You kids go ahead and get whatever
you want! Uncle Nishan is going to
take care of it!

ASHOT
Oh no, we can’t take your money.

Klarisa and Eddie hesitate.
96.


NISHAN
If you don’t I will be very upset.

He stares back seriously a moment and then smiles.

NISHAN (CONT’D)
Don’t worry, you can pay me back
with your new job in Los Angeles.

ASHOT
Alright, you have a deal. Thank
you!

Ashot firmly shakes his hand and gives him a hug. Klarisa
comes over and hugs him too.
KLARISA
Thank you, Uncle Nishan!

NISHAN
You’re welcome Sweetheart, now go
ahead and get what you want.



KLARISA ANANIAN V.O.
When we saw that Supermarket with
shelves on top of shelves all full
of food, we knew we came to
paradise! This was the United
States of America. We dreamed about
it and we had finally made it! We
stayed in Santa Paula a few more
months then we moved to Los
Angeles.

DISSOLVE TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary Ashot and his family prepare to go into town with their new friend Nishan. At a large supermarket, they are overwhelmed by the abundance of food, a stark contrast to their life in Armenia. Nishan insists on paying for their groceries, despite Ashot's initial refusal. Filled with joy and gratitude for their new life in America, the family excitedly enters the supermarket, ready to explore its vast offerings.
Strengths
  • Portrayal of hope and gratitude
  • Introduction of new character Nishan Kerkorian
  • Setting the stage for the family's journey in America
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant conflict or tension

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the sense of hope and gratitude felt by the Ananian family as they start their new life in America. It sets a positive tone for their future journey.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of starting anew in a foreign land and experiencing the abundance and opportunities it offers is well executed in this scene.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the family's visit to a supermarket in America, showcasing their wonder and gratitude for the new environment.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the immigrant experience, blending themes of hope, struggle, and gratitude in a unique setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Ashot and Nishan, are well-developed and their interactions convey a sense of camaraderie and support.

Character Changes: 5

While there is not significant character development in this scene, it sets the stage for the family's journey and potential growth.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to provide for his family and create a better life for them in America. This reflects his desire for security, stability, and success in a new environment.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to find work in Los Angeles to support his family. This reflects the immediate challenge of securing employment and financial stability.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 2

There is minimal conflict in this scene, focusing more on the positive aspects of the family's new life.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, particularly in the protagonist's decision to accept help and the potential consequences of that choice.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on the positive aspects of the family's new beginning.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by showing the family settling into their new life in America.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in terms of the protagonist's decision to accept help from Nishan and the unexpected generosity shown by him. The audience is left wondering about the protagonist's future choices and challenges.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of sacrifice, generosity, and gratitude. The protagonist struggles with accepting help from others while maintaining his sense of independence and dignity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes feelings of hope, gratitude, and joy in the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is simple but effective in conveying the emotions and interactions between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, relatable characters, and the sense of hope and struggle that permeates the narrative. The interactions between characters and the vivid descriptions of the setting draw the audience in.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, moving smoothly between locations and character interactions to maintain audience interest and investment in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene adheres to the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and visual storytelling.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, moving seamlessly between locations and characters while maintaining a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • The transition from the intense and dramatic ship sinking scene to the mundane grocery shopping scene feels abrupt and lacks a smooth connection.
  • The dialogue between Ashot and Nishan could be more natural and less expository, allowing for a more authentic interaction between the characters.
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and fails to capture the significance of the family's journey to America and their first experience in a supermarket.
  • There is a missed opportunity to explore the cultural shock and awe that the family would likely experience in a large American supermarket after coming from a refugee camp.
  • The scene could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience in the sights, sounds, and smells of the supermarket, enhancing the overall experience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a transitional moment or reflection from Ashot or Anna to bridge the gap between the intense ship sinking scene and the grocery shopping scene.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Ashot and Nishan to make it more organic and reflective of their relationship, adding depth to their interaction.
  • Infuse the scene with more emotional resonance by highlighting the family's awe, gratitude, and sense of wonder at the abundance of food in the supermarket.
  • Explore the cultural differences and the family's adjustment to American life by incorporating details about their reactions to the supermarket environment.
  • Enhance the scene by including sensory descriptions that bring the supermarket to life, engaging the audience's senses and creating a more immersive experience.



Scene 37 -  Haunted by the Past
EXT. LOS ANGELES CALIFORNIA CIRCA 1950. DAY
Aerial view of Down town on a hot summer day. We fly over
palm trees and American Bungalow homes as we reach its
tallest building, the L.A. City Hall. We descend to the
street and enter The Garment District. The main drag is busy
with cars and trucks moving in both directions. MERCHANTS
push racks of clothing down the sidewalks trying to avoid
hordes of SHOPPERS. We move past a row of small dress shops
and stop at a large warehouse on the corner.

CUT TO:
97.


INT. FABRIC RECYCLING WAREHOUSE. DAY

In a sprawling ten-thousand-square-foot facility, the floor
is a colorful mosaic of fabric scraps. The hustle of activity
increases as flatbed trucks laden with old clothing and
fabric scraps arrive at the docking area. Ashot positions
himself, waiting for one particular truck to reverse and
unload its cargo.

The truck driver climbs out, maneuvers to the rear, and pulls
a lever. With a mechanical groan, the bed of the truck tilts
back, releasing a cascade of bundled clothing. Ashot springs
into action, quickly dragging the bundles to a nearby sorting
area. As the truck departs, he tears open the bundles,
sorting with practiced efficiency: cotton here, wool there.
Men's coats, women's dresses, children's wear—each piece
swiftly identified and thrown into its respective pile.

As Ashot works, his pace feverish, sweat begins to bead on
his forehead. The air is thick with the flutter of clothing,
creating a blur of motion around him. Suddenly, the frenetic
scene triggers a vivid flashback.


FLASHBACK: AUSCHWITZ EXTERMINATION CAMP - DAY

The memory is harsh, jarring. Clothing flies through the air
in a similarly frenzied manner, but here it's thrown into a
giant, roaring oven. Ashot stands by a cart overflowing with
the discarded clothing of Holocaust victims. He grabs an
armful and tosses it into the furnace. Turning back to the
cart for more, a small blue velvet baby vest, trimmed with
lace, clings to his chest. The delicate garment, a stark
reminder of innocent lives lost, brings a sudden halt to his
motions.

Holding the vest, Ashot's hands tremble as a heavy silence
envelops him. A moment passes, and tears well up in his eyes.
Overwhelmed by the weight of his memories and the stark
reality of his past, he collapses to his knees, consumed by
grief. The harsh and haunting memory serves as a poignant
reminder of the depths of human suffering and the scars that
remain.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Historical"]

Summary In a bustling 1950s Los Angeles fabric recycling warehouse, Ashot sorts through clothing, but his work is interrupted by a vivid flashback to Auschwitz. The sight of a small blue velvet baby vest discarded in the furnace triggers a wave of grief and haunting memories, causing Ashot to collapse in despair as the horrors of his past overwhelm him.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Resonant themes of resilience and survival
  • Compelling character development
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more impactful in certain moments
  • Some pacing issues in the flashback sequence

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys a range of emotions and themes, with a powerful flashback sequence that adds depth to the characters' experiences. The contrast between past trauma and present hope is compelling.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring the characters' journey from trauma to hope is well-executed, with the use of flashback adding layers to the narrative. The scene effectively conveys the themes of resilience and survival.

Plot: 8

The plot focuses on the characters' experiences in the present while weaving in important elements from their past, creating a rich tapestry of emotions and themes. The scene moves the story forward by showing the characters' progress towards a new life in America.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the aftermath of the Holocaust, blending historical events with personal narratives to create a compelling and authentic portrayal of survivor experiences. The authenticity of Ashot's actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the character.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotional journeys are compelling. The scene showcases their resilience and strength in the face of adversity, making them relatable and engaging.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional growth and transformation in the scene, particularly Ashot who confronts his past trauma and finds hope for the future. The scene marks a turning point in their journey towards healing and resilience.

Internal Goal: 9

Ashot's internal goal in this scene is to cope with the traumatic memories of his past at Auschwitz and find a way to reconcile his present work in fabric recycling with the horrors he experienced during the Holocaust.

External Goal: 8

Ashot's external goal is to efficiently sort and process the incoming fabric scraps and clothing bundles at the warehouse, showcasing his skill and dedication to his work.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on the characters' struggles with their past traumas and their hopes for the future. While there is tension in certain moments, the scene is more about emotional growth and resilience.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Ashot grapples with the conflicting emotions of his past trauma and present-day responsibilities, creating internal and external obstacles that challenge his character development.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for the characters as they navigate their past traumas and strive for a better future in America. The scene highlights the importance of memory, resilience, and hope in the face of adversity.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by showing the characters' progress towards a new life in America, while also delving into their past traumas and emotional struggles. It sets the stage for the next chapter in their journey.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected shift from the bustling fabric recycling warehouse to the haunting flashback at Auschwitz, challenging the audience's expectations and adding layers of complexity to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the juxtaposition of Ashot's current job in fabric recycling with his traumatic memories of working at Auschwitz, highlighting the ethical dilemmas and moral complexities he faces in his daily life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, with poignant moments of grief, hope, and resilience. The characters' experiences are deeply moving and resonate with the viewer.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, but could be more impactful in certain moments. The interactions between characters are authentic and help to drive the narrative forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, compelling character development, and the juxtaposition of past and present experiences. The vivid imagery and sensory details draw the audience into Ashot's world, creating a powerful connection with the protagonist.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, balancing moments of action with introspection to create a dynamic and engaging narrative flow.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, utilizing visual cues and descriptive language to enhance the reader's immersion in the story.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure, effectively transitioning between the present-day warehouse setting and the flashback to Auschwitz. The formatting aligns with the genre expectations, balancing action and introspection.


Critique
  • The transition from the bustling Garment District in Los Angeles to the fabric recycling warehouse is abrupt and could benefit from a smoother segue to connect the two settings.
  • The flashback to Auschwitz is a powerful and emotional moment, but the connection between Ashot's current work in the warehouse and the flashback could be strengthened to enhance the impact of the memory.
  • The description of Ashot's sorting process in the warehouse is detailed and vivid, but the emotional weight of the Auschwitz flashback could be further integrated into his actions and reactions in the present moment.
  • The contrast between the chaotic present-day scene in the warehouse and the haunting memory of Auschwitz is effectively portrayed, but there is an opportunity to deepen the emotional resonance by exploring Ashot's internal thoughts and feelings more explicitly.
  • The scene effectively conveys the theme of trauma and resilience through the juxtaposition of Ashot's past experiences and his current work, but there is room to further explore the psychological impact of his memories on his present-day actions.
Suggestions
  • Consider incorporating visual or auditory cues in the transition between the Garment District and the warehouse to create a more seamless connection between the two settings.
  • Enhance the parallel between Ashot's sorting process in the warehouse and his actions in Auschwitz to create a more cohesive narrative thread that ties the past and present together.
  • Explore Ashot's internal monologue or emotional reactions more deeply to provide insight into his inner turmoil and the lasting effects of his traumatic experiences.
  • Integrate Ashot's emotional journey more explicitly into his physical actions in the warehouse to show the impact of his memories on his present-day behavior.
  • Consider weaving in subtle symbolism or recurring motifs to reinforce the themes of trauma, resilience, and memory throughout the scene.



Scene 38 -  Fabric Scraps and Family Concerns
INT. FABRIC RECYCLING WAREHOUSE. DAY

Ashot is on his knees in tears amongst the piles of fabric
and clothing. His boss, URI MARKARIAN, six feet three a large
man with a big heart. He walks up to Ashot and shakes him
back to reality.
98.


URI MARKARIAN
Ashot!

Ashot looks up, eyes full of tears.

URI MARKARIAN (CONT’D)
Ashot! You alright?

Ashot realizes where he is and jumps to attention.

ASHOT
Yes, I’m alright.

Uri helps him to his feet.

URI MARKARIAN
Come with me.

Ashot a little skeptical follows him. Uri leads Ashot to his
run-down office They enter as Uri moves to his desk opens a
drawer and pulls out a bottle of Vodka and a couple of shot
glasses. He pours the shots and hands Ashot the glass.

URI MARKARIAN (CONT’D)
Nishan told me what happened to you
in Germany. Let’s drink to our
health

ASHOT
To our health!

Uri CLINKS Ashot’s glass, they swallow the shots whole and
SLAM the glasses back down on the table.

URI MARKARIAN
I need you to take the truck and go
see Margo. Again she called and
said she has another shipment for
us.

ASHOT
No problem, I’ll go right now!

URI MARKARIAN
No not now, one more shot for the
road!

Uri pours another round, they CLINK again and down their
shots.

CUT TO:
99.


EXT. CATALINA SWIMWEAR FACTORY LOS ANGELES GARMENT DISTRICT.
DAY

Ashot backs the truck into one of the many loading docks.
MARGO MURKIJANIAN mid-forties, blue eyes, red hair,
curvaceous, Armenian, she walks over to greet Ashot as he
exits the truck.

MARGO
Hello Ashot, how are you?

ASHOT
Good day Margo, I’m doing alright.

MARGO
How’s the family? Your daughter
Klarisa must be all grown up now!

ASHOT
She’s nineteen years old and wants
to get married. I think she’s too
young for marriage!

MARGO
I know it’s so hard you raise them
worry about them, and then they
leave you.

ASHOT
I don’t know who he is or who his
parents are? And I’m supposed to
say it’s fine?

MARGO
Your wife Anna how old was she when
you married her?

Ashot hesitates and changes the subject. He points to a large
pile of bundled sewing scraps sitting on the dock.

ASHOT
Is this it?

Margo senses his stubbornness.

MARGO
Well, don’t feel bad Ashot, my son
has a girlfriend I’ve never seen.
And he’s also talking about
marriage.

Ashot doesn't want to hear it he leans over and starts
loading the buddles onto the truck.
100.


ASHOT
She’s still a child.

MARGO
Whether you like it or not, she
will eventually become a woman.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary Ashot, grieving a recent loss, is found crying by his boss, Uri, who offers him vodka and sends him to pick up fabric scraps from Margo. Their conversation about their children's upcoming marriages reveals shared anxieties about their children growing up and moving on. Ashot expresses disapproval of his daughter's young age, while Margo worries about her son's relationship. The scene ends with Ashot loading fabric scraps onto a truck, symbolizing the need to move forward despite personal struggles.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Authentic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a sense of nostalgia and reflection through the dialogue and interactions between the characters. It sets up a poignant moment of realization for Ashot about the passage of time and the changes in his family.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring family dynamics, aging, and the challenges of parenthood is well-executed in the scene. It provides depth to the characters and adds emotional resonance to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot in this scene focuses on Ashot's interactions with Margo and his reflections on his family. While it may not drive the main narrative forward significantly, it adds depth to the character development and themes of the story.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to exploring family dynamics and cultural values within a working-class setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Ashot and Margo are well-developed in this scene, showcasing their personalities, relationships, and inner struggles. Their dialogue and interactions feel authentic and engaging.

Character Changes: 7

Ashot undergoes a subtle emotional change in this scene, realizing the passage of time and the changes in his family. It sets up potential growth and development for his character in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Ashot's internal goal is to cope with his emotional turmoil and personal struggles, as seen through his tears and interaction with his boss. It reflects his deeper need for support and understanding.

External Goal: 7.5

Ashot's external goal is to fulfill his boss's request to go see Margo for another shipment. It reflects the immediate challenge of work responsibilities and maintaining professional relationships.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict in this scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on Ashot's struggles with parenthood and the realization of his daughter growing up. It lacks external conflict but contributes to the character development.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, but not overwhelming. It adds complexity to the characters' relationships and motivations.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes in this scene are more personal and emotional, focusing on Ashot's internal struggles and reflections. While not high in terms of external conflict, the emotional stakes are significant for the character.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene may not significantly move the main plot forward, it adds depth to the characters and themes of the story. It sets up emotional arcs and potential conflicts for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the emotional dynamics between the characters and the unexpected revelations about their personal lives.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict is evident in the conversation about marriage and family values. It challenges Ashot's beliefs about marriage and parenting, highlighting generational differences and societal expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response through its themes of family, aging, and reflection. It resonates with the audience on a personal level, drawing them into the characters' experiences and emotions.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is natural and reflective of the characters' personalities. It effectively conveys emotions, relationships, and themes of the story.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, relatable characters, and cultural authenticity. The dialogue and interactions draw the audience into the characters' world.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing emotional moments with dialogue-driven interactions. It maintains a steady rhythm that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a character-driven drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from Ashot's emotional breakdown to him being offered vodka by his boss, Uri. The sudden shift in tone and setting could be smoother to enhance the flow of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Ashot and Uri feels a bit forced and lacks depth. It would benefit from more emotional depth and authenticity to truly convey Ashot's inner turmoil.
  • The interaction between Ashot and Margo at the Catalina Swimwear Factory lacks a natural progression. The conversation about Klarisa's marriage feels somewhat disconnected from the initial emotional setup of the scene.
  • The character of Margo could be further developed to add more depth and complexity to the interaction with Ashot. Providing more context or backstory for Margo could enhance the scene.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues or actions to complement the dialogue and enhance the overall storytelling. Adding more visual elements could help create a more immersive and engaging experience for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or transition for Ashot before he is offered the vodka, to better convey his emotional state and the shift in the scene.
  • Work on refining the dialogue between Ashot and Uri to make it more authentic and emotionally resonant. Focus on capturing the nuances of their relationship and Ashot's internal struggles.
  • Ensure that the conversation between Ashot and Margo flows naturally from the previous emotional setup, and consider integrating Klarisa's marriage discussion more seamlessly into the scene.
  • Develop Margo's character further by providing additional context or backstory to make her interactions with Ashot more meaningful and engaging.
  • Incorporate more visual storytelling elements, such as gestures, expressions, or actions, to complement the dialogue and enhance the overall impact of the scene.



Scene 39 -  A Father's Reluctance
EXT. UNION PACIFIC AVE CIRCA 1956 LOS ANGELES. DAY

Ashot’s 1951 Chevy Skyline is parked in the driveway of a
small, two bedroom, nineteen twenties, wood sided home. We
hear Klarisa SCREAMING and CRYING from outside the house.

KLARISA V.O.
But Papa, I love him!

CUT TO:


INT. NINETEEN TWENTIES, SMALL, WOOD SIDED, HOME. DAY

Rima sits in a high chair next to Eddie in a small dining
area in the kitchen. Klarisa is sitting on the couch sobbing.
Ashot paces back and forth while Anna stands between them
refereeing the situation.

ANNA
Why are you being so stubborn!
She’s in love! Or did you forget
about love?

ASHOT
What love? She’s too young to get
married! That’s it, I don’t want to
talk about it!

Klarisa’s sobbing elevates quickly to balling.

KLARISA
I’m not a baby anymore! I’m going
to be twenty years old. Mama was
nineteen when you married her!

Anna grabs Ashot’s arm and pulls him into their bedroom.

CUT TO:


INT. BEDROOM. DAY

Anna gets into Ashot’s space, her face reddens with anger.
101.


ANNA
Now, you are going to listen to me!
Klarisa’s life up to now has been
“Hell on Earth”. We have to thank
God we made it this far! Now she
has a chance for some happiness,
I’m not going to rob her of that
and neither are you!

Ashot stares back dumbfounded.

ANNA (CONT’D)
Now you go out there and tell her
you’ll meet the Boy’s family. Go!

Anna pushes him out the door and into the living room.
CUT TO:


INT. LIVING ROOM . DAY

Ashot walks up to Klarisa sitting on the couch, head in
hands, sobbing. She looks up curiously.

ASHOT
I will meet his family.

KLARISA
Really!

Ashot nods in agreement. Klarisa jumps up excited, she hugs
and kisses him. Anna watches from the doorway.

KLARISA (CONT’D)
It’s just him and his mother he
lost his father during the war.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

EXT. UNION PACIFIC AVE. DAY.

Margo and her son, PETER, mid-twenties, tall, dark haired and
handsome. He sport’s an Elvis Presley hair style and drives a
1953 Cadillac Coupe Deville. They drive by the original
Quaker Oats Factory.

MARGO
Are you sure you’re ready for
marriage?
102.


PETER
I just got a raise at the Ford
company. I’m ready!

MARGO
That’s not what I’m talking about.
Are you in love?

PETER
Yes Mother I love her! Here it is
3520 Union Pacific.

Peter pulls up and parks in front of Klarisa’s house.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Klarisa, heartbroken by her father Ashot's disapproval of her marriage, pleads with him to reconsider. Her mother Anna steps in to mediate, arguing for Klarisa's happiness. After a tense exchange, Ashot finally agrees to meet the boy's family, bringing relief and joy to Klarisa.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Potential predictability in romantic subplot

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional intensity of the family conflict and sets up potential romantic developments, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of family conflict and love is well-executed, providing depth to the characters and setting up future plot points.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around the family conflict regarding Klarisa's potential marriage, adding tension and emotional depth to the scene.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on family dynamics and generational conflicts, with authentic dialogue and character motivations. The authenticity of the characters' actions and emotions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, each with their own motivations and emotions, driving the conflict and setting up potential character growth.

Character Changes: 7

Klarisa shows growth and determination in standing up for her love, while Ashot experiences a shift in perspective regarding his daughter's happiness.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to stand up for her love and desire to get married, despite her father's objections. This reflects her deeper need for autonomy and happiness in her personal life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to convince her father to meet her boyfriend's family and approve of their relationship. This reflects the immediate challenge of gaining her father's acceptance.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Ashot and Klarisa regarding her potential marriage creates tension and emotional stakes, driving the scene forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting views and emotions between characters creating obstacles for the protagonist's goals.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes involve the family dynamics and potential consequences of the characters' decisions regarding Klarisa's marriage, adding intensity to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and potential romantic developments, keeping the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional outbursts and shifting dynamics between characters, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the differing views on love, marriage, and happiness between the protagonist and her father. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about autonomy and her father's traditional values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly regarding the family conflict and the characters' passionate reactions.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and differing perspectives of the characters, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflicts and familial drama, keeping the audience invested in the characters' relationships and decisions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually through emotional confrontations and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character motivations and conflict progression.


Critique
  • The scene effectively portrays the family dynamics and conflict surrounding Klarisa's desire to get married.
  • The dialogue between the characters feels authentic and emotional, adding depth to the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene is well-executed, building tension and resolving the conflict effectively.
  • The transition between different locations within the house is smooth and helps in visualizing the setting.
  • The emotional intensity of the scene is palpable, especially in Anna's impassioned plea to Ashot.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual cues or actions to enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Explore deeper into Ashot's internal conflict and emotions regarding Klarisa's marriage, to add more layers to his character.
  • Provide more context or backstory to Margo and Peter's relationship to further develop their characters.
  • Consider incorporating subtle gestures or expressions to convey the characters' emotions more vividly.
  • Experiment with different camera angles or shots to create a more visually engaging scene.



Scene 40 -  Dinner Guests Arrive
INT. LIVING ROOM KLARISA’S HOUSE. DAY

Klarisa peeks out the living room window and sees the
Cadillac pull up.

KLARISA
Mama, Papa they’re here!

CUT TO:


INT. BEDROOM. DAY

Anna has laid Rima in her crib and she’s fast asleep. Ashot
finishes buttoning up a dress shirt.

ANNA
(Whispering)
You better be nice to these people!
Start by smiling, don’t ruin this,
do you understand?

Ashot forces a smile and nods in agreement.

ANNA (CONT’D)
Alright, let’s go.
CUT TO:


INT. LIVING ROOM. DAY

Ashot and Anna enter the living room, a table for six has
been set in the middle of the room. It is stocked with an
overwhelming amount of salads, cold cuts, and Armenian food.
They all move past the table and exit the house.

CUT TO:
103.


EXT. UNION PACIFIC AVE. DAY

Klarisa excitedly bolts ahead of Eddie and her parents. Peter
has exited the car and is helping Margo out of her seat. He
opens the car’s rear door and removes a bouquet of flowers
and a bottle of cognac. They all gather on the sidewalk and
wait for Margo to exit. Margo turns to face them, she looks
up straight at Ashot. Ashot looks back in amazement.

ASHOT
Margo?

MARGO
Ashot Jan!

Anna and Klarisa are surprised.

ANNA
You know each other?

ASHOT
Margo works at Catalina swimsuits.
Its part of my route. Margo this is
my wife Anna and my son Eddie.

Margo extends her hand.

MARGO
Pleasure to meet you Anna! This is
my son, Peter.

Peter extends his hand to Anna and then to Ashot, Eddie walks
over and shakes hands with Peter in a very manly way.

EDDIE
Nice to meet you.

Peter is impressed.

PETER
Nice to meet you Eddie.

Peter turns to Klarisa and grabs her hand.

PETER (CONT’D)
Mom this is Klarisa.

Klarisa approaches Margo, she kisses her on both cheeks and
gives Margo a big hug.

MARGO
What a beautiful girl!
104.


ASHOT
Please everyone let’s go inside we
have a big dinner waiting for us!

They all move up the walkway towards the house.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Family","Romance"]

Summary Klarisa's parents, Margo and Peter, arrive at her house for dinner. Ashot and Anna greet them at the door, and it's revealed that Ashot and Margo know each other from Ashot's work route. The scene is full of visual details, from the Cadillac pulling up to the table laden with food. After introductions, everyone heads inside to start their meal.
Strengths
  • Heartwarming atmosphere
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character development
  • Family dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Low conflict level
  • Limited character growth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys a heartwarming and nostalgic atmosphere, with well-developed characters and engaging dialogue that draws the audience in. The emotional impact is strong, and the plot moves forward with the introduction of new relationships and potential conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a family reunion dinner is a familiar yet essential element in storytelling, providing an opportunity to explore relationships, character dynamics, and potential conflicts. The scene effectively utilizes this concept to deepen character development and advance the plot.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the family reunion dinner, introducing new characters, relationships, and potential conflicts. The scene moves the story forward by setting up future events and highlighting the importance of family connections.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar family dinner setting by incorporating unexpected connections and interactions between characters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are well-developed and engaging, each with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions and dialogue reveal depth and complexity, adding richness to the overall narrative.

Character Changes: 7

While there are subtle hints of character growth and development, particularly in Ashot's interactions with Margo and his family, the focus of the scene is more on establishing relationships and setting the stage for future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to make a good impression on the guests who have arrived. This reflects his desire to be seen in a positive light by others and to maintain harmony within his family.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to host a successful dinner for the guests. This reflects the immediate challenge of ensuring everything goes smoothly and that the guests feel welcomed and comfortable.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there are hints of potential conflicts and tensions in the scene, the overall tone is more focused on warmth, nostalgia, and joy. The conflicts introduced serve to add depth to the characters and set up future developments.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, as the protagonist faces unexpected challenges and interactions with the guests.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on personal relationships, connections, and new beginnings. While there are hints of potential conflicts and tensions, the overall tone is one of warmth, joy, and hope.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new characters, relationships, and potential conflicts. It sets up future events and developments, creating anticipation and intrigue for what is to come.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the surprise encounter between Ashot and Margo, which adds a layer of complexity and intrigue to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's desire to maintain a good image and the potential for unexpected interactions with the guests, such as the surprise connection with Margo. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about control and predictability.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of warmth, nostalgia, and joy. The interactions between characters, the setting of the family reunion dinner, and the themes of connection and forgiveness all contribute to the emotional resonance of the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is natural, engaging, and reflective of the characters' personalities. It effectively conveys emotions, relationships, and conflicts, enhancing the overall storytelling experience.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it builds tension and anticipation through character interactions and reveals unexpected connections that keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm that builds tension and suspense, leading to a satisfying resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance visual storytelling.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-paced dialogue that advances the plot.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition between the different locations, making it feel disjointed.
  • The dialogue feels a bit forced and unnatural, especially the introductions between the characters.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth in the interactions between the characters, particularly between Ashot and Margo.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to create a vivid picture for the audience.
  • The pacing of the scene is a bit rushed, not allowing for moments to breathe and develop naturally.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between the different locations to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Work on making the dialogue more authentic and reflective of the characters' personalities and emotions.
  • Focus on building more depth in the interactions between the characters, especially between Ashot and Margo, to create a more engaging and realistic dynamic.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to paint a clearer picture of the setting and the characters' actions.
  • Allow for moments of silence and reflection in the scene to create a more natural and realistic pace.



Scene 41 -  A Celebration of Family and Love
EXT. LOS ANGELES CIRCA 1955, OUR LADY QUEEN OF MARTYRS
ARMENIAN CHURCH. DAY

A small Catholic Church at 1339 Pleasant Ave. The Church
built in the thirties is nestled into a hillside with a view
of downtown from its entrance. A steep driveway leads to a
large parking lot located near the side of the church. We
move up the driveway into a parking lot full of late model
Cadillas and Lincolns. We move through a walkway leading to a
set of double doors. The doors open.

MOVE TO:


INT ARMENIAN CHURCH BANQUET HALL.

The hall is occupied way over capacity, approximately five
hundred people are seated or standing around the dance floor.
Familiar faces from the Funkkaserne DP camp are dotted
throughout the crowd. Klarisa And Peter sit at the main
table. Klarisa’s family sits on her right side and Peter’s
extended family sit on the left. Directly behind them on
stage are MAESTRO EDWARD HOCHARIAN mid-forties, jet black
hair. He’s a composer and looks it. His eight piece Armenian
ORCHESTRA is tuning up preparing to play. Ashot, Anna and
Margo stand near the entrance greeting GUEST as they enter.
Simon, who was injured at the Damlier company in Stuttgart
enters wearing an expensive suit. With his beautiful wife,
SERA by his side, he approaches Ashot.

SIMON
Ashot Jan!



Ashot recognizes him, they hug as Simon kisses Ashot on both
cheeks.

ASHOT
Simon, my friend ! I’m so glad you
came, I want you to sit with me.
Anna!

Ashot waves Anna over.
105.


ASHOT (CONT’D)
Anna, you remember Simon And Sera?

ANNA
Of course I do! Sera, Simon..

They shake hands Simon puts out his left hand. Anna
acknowledges she knows about his injured hand.

ASHOT
Sit them at our table!

ANNA
Absolutely, please come with me!

Anna leads them to the main table. Ashot turns around and is
now face to face with his friend Nishan Kerkorian.

NISHAN
(In Armenian)
Ashot Jan! Light to your eyes!

They hug, Ashot respectfully kisses Nishan on both cheeks.

ASHOT
Nishan jan, you look good!

NISHAN
Thank you I've been training for a
big fight coming up.

The PA system SQUEALS as Eddie Hocharian nears the
microphone.

EDDIE HOCHARIAN
Ladies and Gentelman your attention
please!

The CROWD continues a mild CLAMOR, GUESTS start to CLANG
their utensils on the drinking glasses.
EDDIE HOCHARIAN (CONT’D)
(In Armenian)
Honored Guests your attention
please!

The crowd quiets down. Ashot and Nishan turn towards the
stage.



EDDIE HOCHARIAN (CONT’D)
We come together today to celebrate
a very special occasion.
(MORE)
106.

EDDIE HOCHARIAN (CONT’D)
The marriage of Peter and Klarisa
Murkijanian!



Drum beats fill the air as the orchestra builds up momentum.

EDDIE HOCHARIAN (CONT’D)
Let’s start the celebration with
the Shabash dance!

Clarinets begin to SQUEAL as Klarisa and Peter stand up and
enter the dance floor area. The crowd roars in appreciation.
Peter starts to dance Armenian style as he circles around
Klarisa accenting the mood. Ashot walks over to the table and
stands next to Anna. Nishan reaches into his jacket and pulls
out a large roll of money, he runs over to the bride and
groom showering them with hundreds of dollar bills. Klarisa
waves to her Parents inviting them to join in on the dance.
Ashot and Anna enter the dance floor as the crowd roars to a
louder level. Ashot begins to circle around them doing the
famous Hopak Cossack Dance. The crowd roars even louder as he
flies through the air kicking and extending his arms in
perfect Cossack style. A series of characters from the camp,
one by one appear and shower money upon them. Armen, Doctor
Gabralian, Simon, and a host of familiar faces take part.
Guests start to flood the dance floor, they dance around the
family pinky fingers entwined. The line grows so large it
extends into the table area. Eddie Hocharian and the
orchestra speed up the pace of the song adding to the
spectacle unfolding on the dance floor.

EDDIE HOCHARIAN (CONT’D)
Opah! Tashi !

Maestro Hocharian turns toward his orchestra with baton in
hand. He motions to raise the tempo and finally crescendo to
the songs finale.

EDDIE HOCHARIAN (CONT’D)
Thank you! Thank you very much!
The guests clap and cheer as things wind down on the dance
floor.

EDDIE HOCHARIAN (CONT’D)
Ladies and Gentelman, can I please
have your attention!

The guests all turn and face the stage.

EDDIE HOCHARIAN (CONT’D)
It is my pleasure to introduce a
man you all know well!
(MORE)
107.

EDDIE HOCHARIAN (CONT’D)
The father of the bride, Ashot
Ananian. Ashot, please come up
here.

Ashot, a little reluctant, makes his way to the microphone.

ASHOT
Thank you, Maestro Hocharian!

Ashot stares out into the crowd of familiar faces. He loves
these people and they all know it. He looks down at Klarisa,
her loving gaze says it all. He pauses a beat and looks back
to the crowd.

ASHOT (CONT’D)
Well here we are all together
again! I see everyone looks good
and healthy. My wife says I have to
buy a Cadillac she says all the
DP’s drive a Cadillac .

The men in the audience of guests smile, proud of themselves.

ASHOT (CONT’D)
God bless America!

Ashot’s boss Uri Markarian stands up and raises his shot
glass into the air.

MAN
Ashot jan! I will drink to that!
God bless America!

The guests all raise their glasses into the air. Some one
hands Ashot a shot glass filled with Vodka.

ASHOT
God bless America!

He throws the drink back quickly and sets the glass down.
ASHOT (CONT’D)
My new in-law Margo Murkijanian.

He glances over to Margo who smiles and waves back.

ASHOT (CONT’D)
She said one day my daughter would
become a woman and whether I liked
it or not it was going to happen.
Well it did!

Everyone turns and smiles at Margo.
108.


ASHOT (CONT’D)
At first I couldn’t accept it,
after all she is my little girl, I
would give my life for her!

Ashot looks down into Klarisa’s eyes. She gazes back with
tears of joy.

DISSOLVE TO:

FLASH BACK MONTAGE:
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Family"]

Summary A lavish wedding reception unfolds at an Armenian Church in Los Angeles, circa 1955. The celebration is overflowing with joy and familiar faces from the Funkkaserne DP camp. Guests dance the traditional Shabash, showering the happy couple with money, and revel in a spirited Hopak Cossack dance by Ashot. Ashot, filled with pride, delivers a heartfelt toast to his daughter Klarisa, celebrating her marriage and the importance of family. The scene concludes with a warm toast, encapsulating the spirit of unity and happiness.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Authentic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally impactful, well-paced, and rich in character development and thematic depth.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of celebrating love and family ties in with the overall theme of resilience and hope in the face of adversity.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around the wedding celebration, showcasing the characters' relationships and emotional arcs.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on a traditional wedding celebration, incorporating Armenian cultural elements and exploring themes of family, love, and acceptance.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Ashot's internal conflict and growth being a central focus.

Character Changes: 7

Ashot experiences internal growth as he comes to terms with his daughter's marriage and reflects on his role as a father.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to come to terms with his daughter growing up and getting married, reflecting his deeper fears of losing her and his desire to protect her.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to celebrate the wedding of his daughter and create a memorable event for the guests.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

While there are hints of internal conflict, the scene primarily focuses on celebration and unity.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is minimal, with the focus on celebrating the wedding rather than overcoming significant obstacles.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on personal relationships and celebrations.

Story Forward: 7

The scene contributes to the overall narrative by showcasing the characters' relationships and emotional journeys.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat predictable in its focus on a traditional wedding celebration, but the emotional moments and character interactions add depth and interest.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's struggle to accept his daughter's independence and transition into adulthood, challenging his traditional values and beliefs about family.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of joy, nostalgia, and hope, making it highly impactful.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is authentic and reflective of the characters' emotions and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, cultural richness, and the dynamic interactions between characters during the wedding celebration.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, leading to the climactic wedding announcement and heartfelt speeches.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay set at a wedding celebration, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format for a celebratory event, with a clear buildup to the wedding announcement and emotional speeches.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Ashot's emotional turmoil in the fabric recycling warehouse to a lavish wedding reception without a clear connection or smooth transition.
  • The introduction of multiple characters and their interactions at the wedding reception feels rushed and lacks depth, making it difficult for the audience to fully engage with the scene.
  • The dialogue lacks nuance and depth, with interactions feeling superficial and lacking emotional resonance.
  • The scene lacks a clear focus or central conflict, making it feel disjointed and lacking in narrative cohesion.
  • The visual descriptions are limited, missing opportunities to create a vivid and immersive setting for the wedding reception.
Suggestions
  • Consider establishing a stronger connection between Ashot's emotional state in the previous scenes and his behavior at the wedding reception to create a more cohesive narrative flow.
  • Focus on developing the interactions between characters at the wedding reception to add depth and emotional resonance to the scene.
  • Enhance the dialogue to reflect the complex emotions and relationships at play during the wedding reception, adding layers to the interactions between characters.
  • Introduce a central conflict or tension within the scene to create a more engaging and dynamic narrative.
  • Provide more detailed visual descriptions to create a rich and immersive setting for the wedding reception, enhancing the overall atmosphere and tone of the scene.



Scene 42 -  A Legacy of Love and Faith
INT. GERMAN MILITARY TRUCK. DAY

Klarisa clings to her mother sobbing in the back of the
German Army truck as they are driven from their home.

DISSOLVE TO:


EXT. WARSAW, TRAIN TERMINAL. DAY

We watch from the moving train as Klarisa is left alone at
the train station.

DISSOLVE TO:


EXT. AUSCHWITZ CONCENTRATION CAMP. DAY

Ashot’s POV, Klarisa standing alone, clutching her rag doll
amongst barbed wire and dead corpses.

DISSOLVE TO:


INT. LABOR CAMP BARRACKS. DAY

Klarisa pouts dressed like a boy.
DISSOLVE TO:


INT. UNION PACIFIC HOUSE LIVING ROOM. DAY

Ashot’s POV, Klarisa sits on the couch sobbing, she looks up
to him with tearful, imploring eyes.



DISSOLVE TO:
109.


INT. CHURCH RECEPTION HALL. NIGHT

Ashot tearing up continues his speech.

ASHOT
But now I see the happiness in her
heart the Joy in her spirit. I see
myself and my beautiful wife.

He looks over and acknowledges her.

ASHOT (CONT’D)
I remember how we fell in love and
how happy we were.

ANNA
How happy we are!

The guests love it! A wave of laughter moves through the
room.

ASHOT
Yes, she’s right how happy we are!
And now, today, how happy Klarisa
and Peter are! I want everyone to
drink to their health and
happiness!
Salute!

Ashot and the guests throw back their shots. The guests start
to CLAP and CHEER. Eddie Hocharian approaches and hands Ashot
his mandolin, Ashot surprised takes it into his hands.

ASHOT (CONT’D)
Thank you Maestro!

EDDIE HOCHARIAN
Ashot Ananian everyone!

The crowd CHEERS. Eddie Hocharian raises his baton, the band
on his cue starts to play the same song Ashot played for
George Mardikian at Funkkaserne. Ashot begins to play the
mandolin, he brings the instrument close to the microphone
accenting his strumming. A procession of GUESTS enter the
dance floor and synchronize themselves as they begin to dance
with intricate traditional moves. We spin around with them in
the center as women and men dance precisely around the
perimeter of the dance floor.
110.


KLARISA ANANIAN V.O.
My wedding was fantastic, we
celebrated until five o'clock in
the morning. My father got so drunk
we had to carry him to the car!

DISSOLVE TO:


INT DINNING ROOM MODERN HOME CIRCA 2016. DAY



Close up: KLARISA ANANIAN eighty years old frail but alert.

KLARISA
Pete and I worked hard and bought a
house. In 1957, Joe was born and
three years later Gregory came. And
now, here I am with my beautiful
grandchildren.

The camera pulls out to a dining table full of food. Klarisa
reaches out and grabs the handle of the famous KETTLE, she
pours hot water into a teacup. The camera pans the table
showing her TWO SONS and THREE GRANDCHILDREN.



KLARISA (CONT’D)
So when I die I want you to
remember what we had to go through
so you can have a better life. And
remember, when you have a problem
the power of God is inside of you,
all you have to do is ask for his
help!

YOUNGEST GRANDCHILD
Grandma, you’re not going to die!
KLARISA
(Smiling)
Don’t worry, not today!

END TITLES ROLL mixed with outtakes of cast and crew during
filming .
111.
Genres: ["Drama","Historical","Family"]

Summary Ashot gives a heartfelt speech at his daughter's wedding reception, reflecting on his own love story and celebrating the newlyweds' union. The scene then transitions to a montage of flashbacks, showcasing Klarisa's life journey from her own wedding to raising her family and sharing her wisdom with her grandchildren. The montage highlights her resilience and emphasizes the importance of faith in overcoming challenges. The scene ends with Klarisa and her family gathered around a table, symbolizing the enduring power of family and love.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Cultural richness
  • Authentic character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited exploration of past traumas
  • Lack of external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally impactful, well-paced, and beautifully captures the themes of family, love, and resilience. The dialogue is heartfelt and the characters are engaging.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of celebrating life and family in the face of adversity is well-executed. The scene effectively conveys the importance of cultural heritage and the power of love and unity.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around a celebratory event that brings the characters together, showcasing their relationships and personal growth. It moves the story forward by highlighting the characters' journey from hardship to happiness.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to depicting the horrors of war and the resilience of the human spirit, with authentic characters and dialogue that convey the authenticity of the historical setting.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and relatable, each with their own struggles and joys. Their interactions and emotions feel authentic, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience moments of reflection and growth, particularly in their appreciation for life and family. While there are no drastic changes, the scene showcases their emotional development.

Internal Goal: 9

Klarisa's internal goal in this scene is to find strength and resilience in the face of unimaginable loss and suffering. It reflects her deeper need for survival, her fears of losing hope, and her desires for a better future despite the circumstances.

External Goal: 8

Klarisa's external goal in this scene is to survive and endure the hardships of war and captivity. It reflects the immediate challenges she faces in maintaining her physical and emotional well-being amidst the atrocities of the time.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

While there are elements of past hardships and emotional struggles, the scene primarily focuses on celebration and unity, resulting in a low level of conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Klarisa facing insurmountable challenges and obstacles that test her strength and resilience.

High Stakes: 4

While there are elements of past trauma and challenges, the scene primarily focuses on celebration and unity, resulting in relatively low stakes.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting the characters' current situation, relationships, and future prospects. It sets the stage for new beginnings and challenges.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in Klarisa's story, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between hope and despair, survival and surrender. It challenges Klarisa's beliefs in the face of overwhelming adversity, testing her values and worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of joy, nostalgia, and hope, resonating with the audience and highlighting the characters' journey from pain to happiness.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is heartfelt and meaningful, reflecting the characters' emotions and relationships. It effectively conveys the themes of love, family, and resilience.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, compelling characters, and the tension between hope and despair that keeps the audience invested in Klarisa's journey.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing emotional moments with action, keeping the audience engaged and invested in Klarisa's story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue that enhance the storytelling.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively transitioning between different time periods and locations to convey the protagonist's journey.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Klarisa being left alone at the train station to her standing alone at Auschwitz, lacking a smooth narrative flow.
  • The emotional impact of Klarisa being dressed as a boy in the labor camp barracks is not fully explored or explained, leaving the audience confused.
  • The scene at the Union Pacific house living room lacks context and background information, making it difficult for the audience to fully understand the dynamics between Ashot, Anna, and Klarisa.
  • The transition to the church reception hall feels disjointed and rushed, with Ashot's speech lacking depth and emotional resonance.
  • The sudden shift to Klarisa's voiceover in the modern home feels out of place and disrupts the flow of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more transitional elements to connect the different locations and time periods in a more cohesive manner.
  • Provide more context and background information to help the audience understand the significance of Klarisa being dressed as a boy and the emotional impact on her and her family.
  • Develop the scene at the Union Pacific house living room to establish the emotional stakes and relationships between the characters more clearly.
  • Enhance Ashot's speech at the church reception hall by adding more depth and emotional resonance to make it a poignant moment for the audience.
  • Reconsider the use of the modern home setting and voiceover, ensuring that it complements the overall narrative and adds value to the story.