Read Unmarked path with its analysis


See Full Analysis here



Scene 1 -  Late Night Reflections and Curious Purchases
1 INT. MARTA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT.

MARTA (35) wakes up in the middle of the night due to the
noise of night traffic. She is a thin woman, with short brown
hair and an angular face having hard features. She is sweaty
from the heat, as is RODNEY (36), who is next to her. Marta
turns over in bed, restless, and Rodney also wakes up, looks
at Marta and tries to hug her; but she rejects him abruptly.
Rodney gets out of bed, without a word; and his burly, tanned
figure disappears behind the bathroom door. The sound of
water from the shower is heard.

Marta glances sideways at the bathroom door, closes her eyes
and sighs. She gets out of bed and looks out the window.
Almost immediately, Rodney comes out of the shower naked and
with his body slightly soaked, half-dried, and Marta gives
him an indifferent look. Rodney lies back on the bed.

RODNEY
Are you going back to bed?

Marta looks at him, but doesn't answer. She leaves the
bedroom.


2 INT. MARTA'S APARTMENT/OFFICE - NIGHT.

MARTA enters the office, where she searches in her bag and
takes out a cigarette that she lights. There is a laptop on
the office table.

MARTA (OFF)
It's been more than a month since I
last saw Irene. My police
colleagues accuse me of letting her
escape, although they have been
unable to prove anything. Even
Rodney, without telling me, thinks
the same. It's hard to see how
certain people, even the ones you
least expect, point the finger at
you.
2.


Marta plugs in her laptop. She sits on the couch and lets
herself slide down the back of it while she takes short drags
on the cigarette.

MARTA (OFF) (CONT’D)
Many people say that, if they could
go back in time, they would change
many decisions. At this point, and
despite the mistakes made, I don't
think I would change anything.


3 EXT. STREET - DAY.

IRENE (35) walks down the street alone. She is a tall, very
attractive woman, with long dark hair, and wears designer
clothes.

She stops in front of a sex shop. On the door there is a sign
that announces its BDSM section. Irene looks from one side to
the other before deciding to enter.


4 INT. SEX-SHOP - DAY.

Inside the shop, IRENE sees few CUSTOMERS, most of them YOUNG
PEOPLE (20-30) of both sexes and only TWO MATURE MEN (40-50).
Almost all the clients go alone, like her, although there is
also a COUPLE (25) who speaks inaudibly and between
mischievous laughter while they browse the mannequins wearing
fantasy lingerie. Irene walks through the sex shop trying to
ignore the rest of the customers. She goes to the counter
where she meets a FEMALE SALES CLERK (28), with a pierced
nose and dressed in dark, tight-fitting, modern-cut clothes,
without being extravagant. The sales clerk is busy with her
cell phone.

IRENE
Hello. I saw outside a sign
announcing a Sado section.

The sales clerk looks away from her cell phone and smiles at
Irene.

FEMALE SALES CLERK
You’re right. What are you looking
for?
3.


Irene takes out a list from her purse on which she has
written down a series of items and hands it to the sales
clerk, who reads it without showing any surprise.

FEMALE SALES CLERK (CONT’D)
Are you going submissive?

Irene nods affirmatively.

FEMALE SALES CLERK (CONT’D)
Well, I think we have it all. But I
have to check out the catalog.

IRENE
OK.

The female sales clerk goes to the computer at the counter
and begins to type. While waiting, Irene looks around her and
curiously observes the collection of masturbation gadgets
displayed on the shelves.

FEMALE SALES CLERK
Right now, we have all this
material available. If it is your
first time, I would suggest that
you only take two or three things.
The entire batch will cost you
more.

IRENE
No problem. I want the date to be
successful.

FEMALE SALES CLERK
In that case, if you buy them all,
I would include a couple more
items. They usually work very well
for submissives. And I'll give you
a special price.

IRENE
No. I only want the items that are
on my list.

FEMALE SALES CLERK
(smiling)
You haven't even asked me what
items I'm referring to.
4.


IRENE
Whatever. This is what they asked
me for.

The clerk leaves the counter with the list and begins to
bring boxes that she places on the counter. A ball gag,
Japanese clover clamps with weights, a foot restraint bar,
seven meters of treated jute ropes, a rattan rod, a double
anal hook, a steel speculum, a triple leather tawse. In the
process of completing the order, some customers look at Irene
without any concealment. When she has finished bringing the
entire order, the sales clerk types the item codes into the
computer and puts the boxes in a large bag. At the end, she
shows her the amount to pay.

FEMALE SALES CLERK
Cash or card?

IRENE
Cash.

Irene pays in cash and the female sales clerk gives her the
bag containing everything and smiles knowingly.

FEMALE SALES CLERK
Thank you, and good luck on that.

Irene nods goodbye, takes the bag and heads for the exit.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Marta wakes up to traffic noise, rejects Rodney's affection, and retreats to her office. Meanwhile, Irene visits a sex shop and buys BDSM items, hinting at a desire for exploration and potential internal conflict.
Strengths
  • Intriguing characters
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Mysterious atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Character development could be more pronounced
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up a mysterious and tense atmosphere, introduces intriguing characters, and hints at deeper conflicts and desires. The dialogue is engaging and reveals layers of the characters' personalities.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring hidden desires and power dynamics within relationships is intriguing and sets up potential conflicts and character development.

Plot: 7

The plot introduces elements of mystery and desire, setting up potential conflicts and character arcs. It hints at a larger story unfolding.

Originality: 9

The scene explores themes of guilt, sexuality, and self-acceptance in a fresh and provocative way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and compelling.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are complex and intriguing, with hidden depths and desires. Their interactions reveal layers of their personalities and hint at potential conflicts.

Character Changes: 6

While there are subtle hints at character development and changes, they are not fully realized in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Marta's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with her past decisions and the accusations against her. She is grappling with feelings of guilt and self-doubt.

External Goal: 7

Marta's external goal is to navigate the challenges in her personal and professional life, including her relationship with Rodney and the accusations from her colleagues.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is an underlying tension and conflict present in the scene, especially in the interactions between the characters and their hidden desires.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Marta facing internal and external challenges that test her beliefs and values.

High Stakes: 7

The scene hints at high stakes through the characters' hidden desires and potential conflicts, setting up suspense and intrigue.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements, conflicts, and characters, setting up potential developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected choices and revelations made by the characters, adding a sense of suspense and intrigue to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around themes of guilt, self-acceptance, and societal judgment. Marta is facing internal and external pressures that challenge her sense of identity and morality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of intrigue and curiosity, drawing the audience into the characters' hidden desires and conflicts.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals the characters' inner thoughts and desires. It sets up tension and hints at deeper conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, complex characters, and provocative themes that keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' emotional journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a natural progression that effectively builds tension and develops the characters' motivations and conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene is very detailed and provides a clear picture of what is happening, but it might benefit from more focus on the emotional states and motivations of the characters.
  • The dialogue could be tightened up to make it more natural and less expository.
  • The transitions between the different locations and characters could be smoother to improve the pacing of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or feelings from Marta to help the reader understand why she is acting the way she is.
  • Try to make the dialogue more conversational and less like a report of events.
  • Experiment with combining some of the shorter scenes or finding ways to make the transitions more seamless.



Scene 2 -  Bar Brawl
5 INT. POLICE CAR - DAY.

MARTA patrols by squad car with her partner JOAQUÍN (42) who
is behind the wheel. On the radio, they got a call from the
CENTRAL. Marta turns on the microphone.

CENTRAL (V.O.)
We have got a call about an
altercation taking place in a bar
called El Peruano, on Tablada
Street. Any patrol nearby?

MARTA
Central, this is Marta Novoa. Agent
Joaquín Costa and I are very close.
5.


CENTRAL (V.O.)
OK. Approach the location and put
order in place; but be careful. We
have no information about whether
they are armed.

Joaquín makes a histrionic gesture, as if he were raising his
elbow.

JOAQUÍN
(quietly)
We don't know if they are armed,
but I bet they are very drunk.

MARTA
(holding back laughter) )
Roger. Over.

Marta switches off the microphone and slaps her partner on
his shoulder.

MARTA (CONT’D)
I told you not to make me laugh
when I'm talking!

JOAQUÍN
It's so monotonous to drive when
your partner doesn't pay attention
to you...

MARTA
Turn down the next street.

Joaquín obeys Marta and stops the car in front of the bar.


6 EXT. TABLADA STREET - DAY.

JOAQUÍN starts to park the car. MARTA unfastens her seat belt
and gets out of the car.

JOAQUÍN
Hold on a bit...

MARTA
See you inside.

Marta heads to the bar.
6.


7 INT. EL PERUANO BAR - DAY.

MARTA enters the place, which has a very long bar back. In
the background, there are three MEN engaged in a fight. They
are screaming and MAN1 (32) has MAN2 (30) completely subdued,
with his body lying on a table and his arm grabbed behind his
back. In this position, one of the men shakes the other with
a blow or kicks him while the second man, who is defenseless,
tries to use his free arm to defend himself, although without
much success. The third man, who is the MANAGER (50) of the
bar, is shouting at the other two, but not daring to come
between the two men.

MANAGER
Stop it now! If you want to kill
each other, do it outside!

Marta approaches to try to mediate and bring order.

MARTA
(authoritatively)
Police! What’s going on here?

Upon hearing her, the man1 stops his attitude and turns away.
Man2 gets up from the table with difficulty. He is panting.

MAN2
That motherfucker is stoned and he
was hitting me for no reason!

Hearing this, the man1 pounces on him again.

MAN1
I'm going to give you reasons!

Marta steps in and pushes man1 back to keep him at a
distance. He reacts by spitting in Marta's face. Without
saying a word, Marta approaches the man1 and punches his face
with her right fist, which knocks him to the ground. Without
giving him time to react, she bends down and handcuffs him.

MARTA
You asked for it! You’re under
arrest for resisting authority.

MAN1
Let go of my hands and I'll show
you what authority is, bitch!
7.


MARTA
Open your mouth again and I'll beat
you to death, animal.

At that moment JOAQUÍN arrives, who approaches to take charge
of the situation and prevent Marta from getting into trouble
due to abuse of authority.

JOAQUÍN
What’s going on here?

MAN1
What is going on is that I’m going
to report you for assault! I have
witnesses!

Marta wipes the saliva from her face with a handkerchief and
approaches the detainee, brandishing the handkerchief.

MARTA
I bet you are going to eat it?

JOAQUÍN
Stop it. I'll take care of it.

Joaquín takes him handcuffed to the patrol car.

MARTA
Does anyone else want to file a
complaint?

Everyone is silent. They are scared by the bad temper of the
female police officer and they don't want any more troubles.
Marta then takes out a notebook and a pen.

MARTA (CONT’D)
So, now I’m going to write down
your names and IDs. And you are
going to tell me what happened
here. OK?
Genres: ["Crime","Action","Drama"]

Summary Police officers Marta and Joaquín respond to a brawl at El Peruano bar. Marta confronts the aggressor, Man1, who spits in her face, prompting her to punch him and arrest him for resisting arrest. Joaquín helps restrain Man1, while Marta takes statements from witnesses, restoring order to the bar.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Engaging conflict resolution
  • Realistic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential for Marta to come across as overly aggressive

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes Marta's character, introduces conflict, and moves the plot forward with a high level of tension and action.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a female police officer handling a bar brawl adds depth to the character and sets the tone for the rest of the story.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and dynamic, with the introduction of conflict and the resolution of the bar fight showcasing Marta's skills and personality.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh take on a common police procedural scenario, with authentic character interactions and a realistic portrayal of law enforcement dynamics.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Marta is a strong, authoritative, and quick-thinking character, while Joaquín provides a contrast with his more laid-back attitude, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Marta's character is further developed through her actions in the scene, showcasing her no-nonsense approach to her job.

Internal Goal: 8

Marta's internal goal is to maintain control of the situation and assert her authority as a police officer. This reflects her need for respect and validation in her profession.

External Goal: 7

Marta's external goal is to resolve the altercation in the bar and arrest the perpetrator. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in maintaining order and enforcing the law.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high, with the bar fight escalating quickly and Marta's response adding to the tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations that create obstacles for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Marta intervenes in a potentially dangerous situation, showcasing her bravery and dedication to her job.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and showcasing Marta's skills and personality.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and reactions of the characters, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the balance between using authority and power responsibly versus abusing it. Marta's actions challenge the values of justice and fairness in law enforcement.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension to humor, keeping the audience engaged.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and realistic, reflecting the tension and humor of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, conflict, and dynamic character interactions that keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the momentum of the conflict.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following industry standards for screenplay format.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a police procedural genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a bit of unnecessary exposition. The dialogue between Marta and Joaquín regarding the 'armed' threat feels like it's there to simply inform the reader about the situation rather than organically developing character or plot.
  • The fight in the bar is described in great detail, but the visual aspects of the fight lack a sense of energy and urgency. It's more of a summary than a vivid action sequence.
  • Marta's reaction to being spat on is extreme. While it's understandable to be angry, punching a suspect in the face without a clear and immediate threat to her safety seems excessive and undermines her authority as an officer.
  • The scene feels rushed. Marta's transition from intervening in the fight to taking statements from the other patrons happens too quickly. It would benefit from a bit more breathing room to allow the tension to build and the characters' reactions to be explored more fully.
  • The dialogue feels somewhat stilted and expositional. For example, Marta's line 'Open your mouth again and I'll beat you to death, animal.' is a bit cliché and lacks nuance. It would be more effective if the dialogue felt more natural and authentic to the characters.
  • The scene relies heavily on action and dialogue to drive the plot forward. There's a lack of internal monologue or subtle character development, which could give the scene more depth and make the characters more relatable.
  • The scene ends abruptly. It would be more satisfying to see the scene conclude with a more definitive moment, such as Marta making a significant decision or revealing a new aspect of her character.
Suggestions
  • Cut the exposition in the police car and focus on developing the tension between Marta and Joaquín. Perhaps they are having an argument about something or Marta is distracted by something else. This will make their interactions more interesting and give the reader a better sense of their relationship.
  • Instead of describing the fight in detail, use visual language to create a sense of immediacy and chaos. Focus on specific details like the expressions on the men's faces, the sounds of their blows, and the way the scene is lit. This will make the fight feel more real and engaging.
  • Consider making Marta's reaction to being spat on more nuanced. Perhaps she has a moment of hesitation before reacting, or her anger is tempered by a sense of professionalism. This will make her character more believable and complex.
  • Take your time with the scene. Give each character a chance to react to the situation. This will create a sense of suspense and allow the reader to connect with the characters on a deeper level.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and authentic. Consider giving each character a distinct voice and avoiding clichés. The dialogue should also serve to reveal something about the characters and their motivations.
  • Explore the characters' inner thoughts and feelings. This will give the scene more depth and make the characters more human. Consider adding a brief internal monologue to Marta's character to reveal what she is thinking and feeling.
  • End the scene on a strong note. Perhaps Marta makes a decision about the suspect, or she has a moment of realization about herself or her relationship with Joaquín. This will leave the reader wanting more and set up the next scene.



Scene 3 -  Tensions Rise and Messages Go Unanswered
8 EXT. TABLADA STREET - DAY.

JOAQUÍN puts MAN1 in the back seats of the car, closes the
door and waits for MARTA to get out. In the meantime, he
lights a cigarette.
8.


9 INT. BAR EL PERUANO - DAY.

MARTA returns the ID cards to the CUSTOMERS and keeps the
notebook back into her pocket.

MARTA
(addressing MAN2)
You come with me to the police
station to testify.

MAN2
Do I have to go in the same car
with that guy?

Marta gives him a withering look. The man does not dare to
reply and meekly accompanies Marta. They leave the premises.


10 INT. POLICE CAR - DAY.

JOAQUÍN starts the car. The two MEN arrested are sitting in
the back seat. MAN1 has calmed down. MARTA turns back a
couple of times to look at him defiantly. Man1 looks down and
MAN2, who is sitting next to him, doesn't dare move a muscle.
Joaquín looks in the rearview mirror, turns to Marta with a
smile.

JOAQUÍN
Is everything okay, tough cop?

MARTA
I do not know what you are talking
about. This motherfucker in the
back broke my nail.


11 INT. IRENE’S CAR - DAY.

IRENE gets into a white Mercedes Coupé and leaves the sex
shop bags on the front passenger seat.

She looks for her cell phone in her purse and types a
WhatsApp message to MARTA: "WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE A COFFEE
WITH ME?"

Irene waits for a response. Since no one answers, she puts
her cell phone back in her purse, starts her car and heads to
the office.
9.


12 INT. IRENE COMPANY PARKING LOT - DAY.

IRENE pulled into a numbered space in the underground parking
lot. She gets out and puts the bags in the trunk.


13 INT. IRENE OFFICES - DAY.

IRENE enters the office floor. It’s an open space without
compartmentalization. She greets everyone with a smile as she
heads to her workplace. She reaches her office table and
turns on the computer. Next to her table is the one of her
partner PATRICIA (30), who, upon seeing her, greets her with
a childish gesture.

PATRICIA
The boss has asked about you.

IRENE
What did he want?

Patricia points out a pile of dossiers stacked on the table.

PATRICIA
He wants you to check that out.
Need a report for tomorrow's
hearing.

Irene snorts and protests under her breath.

IRENE
Anyway. There is no remedy!

Irene sits at the table and, before starting to work, checks
out her mobile phone and looks at WhatsApp messages. She
notices that Marta has not answered and begins to write to
her again; but when she barely has written a word, she
deletes it and continues with her work.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama"]

Summary After arresting two men, Marta rides with Joaquín to the police station. Their tense exchange reveals their conflicting personalities. Meanwhile, Irene tries to reach Marta via text but receives no response. At work, Irene's partner, Patricia, assigns her a task, but Irene remains distracted, waiting for Marta's reply. The scene ends with Irene starting her work after realizing Marta hasn't responded.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Realistic portrayal of police work
Weaknesses
  • Limited exploration of secondary characters
  • Slightly predictable plot points

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines action, drama, and character development, keeping the audience engaged and setting up future conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a police officer facing a violent situation and dealing with the aftermath is well-executed, providing insight into the characters' personalities and motivations.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Marta handles the situation at the bar and sets up potential conflicts with the arrested individuals. Irene's subplot adds depth to the overall story.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh take on crime and law enforcement themes, with authentic character actions and dialogue that feel realistic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Marta and Irene, are well-defined and their actions and dialogue reveal their personalities effectively. Marta's tough exterior and Irene's professional demeanor are highlighted in this scene.

Character Changes: 7

Marta's actions in the scene showcase her tough and no-nonsense attitude, while Irene's professional demeanor hints at potential character growth and challenges in her storyline.

Internal Goal: 8

Marta's internal goal is to maintain her tough and authoritative persona in front of the arrested men, despite feeling vulnerable due to a broken nail. This reflects her need to assert control and power in difficult situations.

External Goal: 7

Marta's external goal is to ensure the arrested men are taken to the police station for testimony. This reflects her immediate challenge of handling the situation and upholding the law.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Marta and the arrested individuals, as well as the internal conflicts faced by Irene in her workplace, create a high level of tension and drama.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and power dynamics creating tension and uncertainty for the characters.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the physical altercation at the bar and the professional challenges faced by Irene raise the tension and importance of the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, developing the characters, and setting up future plot points.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics between the characters and the unexpected reactions to the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the power dynamics between Marta and the arrested men. It challenges Marta's beliefs about justice and authority.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and anger during the confrontation at the bar to a sense of professional frustration in Irene's storyline.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, realistic, and adds to the tension of the scene. It also provides insight into the characters' relationships and dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its tense atmosphere, realistic dialogue, and character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the unfolding events.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension and momentum throughout the character interactions and developments.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a focus on character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene feels a bit disjointed and lacks a clear focus. It jumps between different locations and characters, making it difficult to follow the main thread.
  • The dialogue between Marta and Joaquín in the police car feels forced and somewhat comedic, which doesn't quite fit the overall tone of the script. It feels like an attempt to inject humor into a tense situation, but it doesn't land well.
  • The scene with Irene is somewhat uneventful. While it establishes her character and introduces the conflict of her desire to connect with Marta, it doesn't advance the plot significantly.
  • The scene lacks strong visual imagery. It relies too much on dialogue and description, and doesn't provide much opportunity for the reader to visualize the action.
  • The ending of the scene feels abrupt. Irene is left checking her phone and working, which doesn't provide a satisfying conclusion.
Suggestions
  • Focus on a single location and storyline. Choose one character and explore their internal conflict or external obstacle.
  • Develop a more organic and natural dialogue between Marta and Joaquín. Explore their relationship dynamic and the underlying tension between them.
  • Expand on Irene's inner conflict. Why is she so eager to connect with Marta? What is she hoping for? What are her thoughts and feelings as she waits for Marta's response?
  • Use vivid descriptions and sensory details to create a more immersive experience for the reader. Focus on the look, feel, smell, and sound of the environments.
  • End the scene on a stronger note. Give Irene a more active role and explore her reactions to Marta's lack of response. Consider ending the scene with her taking a decisive action.



Scene 4 -  A Day in the Life of Marta
14 INT. POLICE STATION - DAY.

MARTA is standing next to the office table, gathering her
things together. JOAQUÍN approaches her.

JOAQUÍN
So, after all, the bar guy hasn't
commented on the punch you gave
him.
10.


MARTA
It's better like this.

JOAQUÍN
One day, you're going to get into
trouble.

Marta laughs. She gathers her things together.

MARTA
(jokingly) )
Yes, dad.

Marta turns around, leaving Joaquín perplexed.

JOAQUÍN
You should control your temper.

Marta turns around smiling, sticks her tongue out at him and
gives the finger to him. Joaquín sighs with a condescending
gesture.

JOAQUÍN (CONT’D)
Seriously, Marta.

Marta blows him a kiss with her hand, with a hot flirtatious
face, and walks away.


15 EXT. NEXT STREET TO THE POLICE STATION - DAY.

MARTA goes outside the police station and, as she walks down
the street, she checks out her phone. She has a new message
from Rodney asking if she'll be back for a long time. Marta
does not answer and puts away her cell phone, takes her
private car, a blue Renault Clio, and starts it.


16 INT. MARTA’S APARTAMENT/KITCHEN - NIGHT.

RODNEY is chopping tomatoes when he hears the entrance door.
MARTA enters and greets him with a kiss.

MARTA
Do you want eat out?
11.


RODNEY
(feigning anger)
Are you questioning my skills as a
cook?

MARTA
Hmm, I don't know. I'll risk
poisoning myself. I’m going to the
shower. Will you accompany me?

Marta leaves the kitchen. Rodney puts down the knife and
follows her.


17 INT. MARTA’S APARTAMENT/BATHROOM - NIGHT.

MARTA and RODNEY share a shower. They kiss eagerly while the
water runs down their bodies.


18 INT. MARTA’S APARTAMENT/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT.

MARTA and RODNEY are sitting on the couch. Their hair is
still wet and they are both drinking beer while they snack on
the food Rodney has prepared. The TV is on in the background,
since neither of them pays attention to it. Rodney laughs.

RODNEY
Seriously? Did you punch that guy?

MARTA
(grabbing his arm)
Do you want me to show you how I
did it?

RODNEY
(feigning fear)
Oh! I surrender, I surrender! Let
me go and I'll bring you another
beer!

Marta lets go of him with a laugh and Rodney takes the
opportunity to get up from the couch. Marta checks out her
cell phone on the table. She goes through the messages and
sends a WhatsApp to IRENE: "DO YOU WANT TO CHAT FOR A
WHILE?"; but Irene does not answer. With a look of annoyance,
she turns off the phone and just then Rodney returns with two
cans of beer.
12.


MARTA
Thank you, honey, but I think I've
had enough for today. I'm going to
go to bed.

Rodney shrugs.

RODNEY
Then I will drink them to your
health.

Rodney plops down on the couch and starts zapping.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary After a tense interaction with her father at the police station, Marta drives home in her blue Renault Clio. She spends a playful evening with her boyfriend, Rodney, but is troubled by Irene's lack of response to her messages. Despite her frustration, Marta eventually decides to go to bed, leaving Rodney to enjoy his beer and television.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Balanced tone
Weaknesses
  • Low stakes
  • Limited external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances humor and drama, providing insight into Marta's character while moving the story forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Marta's struggle with controlling her temper is well-executed and adds depth to her character.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Marta deals with the aftermath of the bar fight and her personal relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on relationship dynamics and conflict resolution, with a mix of humor and drama that feels authentic and relatable. The characters' actions and dialogue are original and engaging, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Marta, are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic.

Character Changes: 7

Marta shows growth in her interactions with Joaquín and Rodney, hinting at potential character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Marta's internal goal in this scene is to maintain her independence and assert her playful and rebellious nature. She wants to show that she can handle herself and doesn't need anyone to control her actions.

External Goal: 7

Marta's external goal is to enjoy a relaxing evening with Rodney, despite the tension and conflict hinted at in the previous scene at the police station.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily stemming from Marta's temper and her relationships.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with hints of conflict and tension that add depth to the characters' interactions and relationships.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character dynamics than external conflicts.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by developing Marta's character and relationships.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in character behavior and the unresolved conflicts that leave the audience wondering about the characters' future actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Marta's desire for independence and Rodney's desire for control and stability in their relationship. This conflict challenges Marta's beliefs about relationships and freedom.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from amusement to empathy for Marta's struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty and engaging, reflecting the relationships between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, playful interactions between characters, and the underlying tension and conflict that keeps the audience interested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension and humor, allowing the audience to connect with the characters and their emotions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene feels rushed and lacks depth. The dialogue is mostly expository and doesn't reveal much about the characters or their relationship.
  • The interaction between Marta and Joaquín feels forced and repetitive. Their banter feels clichéd and doesn't contribute to the overall narrative.
  • Marta's behavior is inconsistent. She's portrayed as aggressive and impulsive in the previous scene but suddenly becomes flirtatious and playful with her father. This inconsistency makes her character less relatable.
  • The scene relies heavily on visual cues to convey information. For example, Marta checking her phone and Rodney chopping tomatoes doesn't add much to the story and could be conveyed more effectively through dialogue or action.
  • The scene lacks a clear focus. It jumps between Marta's interactions with her father, her drive home, and her evening with Rodney. This makes the scene feel fragmented and disjointed.
  • The ending of the scene feels abrupt. It's unclear why Marta decides to go to bed and leaves Rodney alone. This leaves the audience with a sense of unfinished business.
  • The scene fails to build suspense or advance the plot. It mainly serves as a transition between the previous and following scenes.
Suggestions
  • Explore the tension in Marta and Rodney's relationship. What is the reason for Marta's rejection of Rodney's affection? Is there a conflict between them that's driving a wedge?
  • Develop Marta's character more fully. What are her motivations for acting so impulsively? What are her fears and desires?
  • Use dialogue to reveal more about the characters and their relationship. For example, instead of simply stating that Marta punched the man in the bar, have her and Rodney discuss the incident and the consequences.
  • Focus on a single conflict or theme in the scene. For example, focus on the tension between Marta's aggressive nature and her desire for connection with Rodney.
  • Create a sense of urgency or suspense. What is the next step in Marta's investigation? What is the threat to Irene's safety?
  • Provide a more satisfying ending to the scene. What happens to Marta after she goes to bed? How does the scene set up the next one?



Scene 5 -  Preparing for the Meeting
19 INT. IRENE'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT.

On the table there is a photo in which IRENE and LUNA (33)
appear holding each other by the waist. Luna is a dark woman
with tanned skin, very beautiful. She wears a sundress and
her right arm is tattooed with a waning moon crossed by an
upside-down rose. Irene moves her body as if she were
dancing. She is dressed in a black leather harness. She looks
at herself in the closet mirror, swaying.

IRENE
(with suggestive tone)
Do you like it? Do you think it
suits me?

A notification rings. It’s Irene's cell phone; but she
ignores it. On the bed is a laptop with a webcam on. Irene
checks her framing, wanting it to look good on the screen.
There is a Twitter account she is logged into and, through
the cam, the face of AMODARK (48) is seen between some
shadows.

AMODARK
(with deep voice)
Show me the rest.

Irene smiles and goes in search of a bag from which she takes
out each of the items with a sensual gesture and shows them
through the laptop's webcam. One of the items is a leather
necklace with a chain as a leash.

AMODARK (CONT’D)
Try that on.
13.


Irene feels desired and obeys, while laughing. Her phone
rings, but she doesn't answer. Her dog TRUHAN, a beagle,
enters the room, sniffs the new stage props and barks
increasingly louder, forcing Irene to interrupt the video
conference and throw him out of the room. When she returns,
AmoDark has logged out, leaving her a written message: "BRING
IT ALL".

Irene smiles pleased when she reads the message, and closes
the lid of the laptop. She turns back to the mirror and looks
at the photo of her and Luna together. She makes a sensual
gesture as if she were also posing for the girl in the photo.
She blows a kiss into the air, but she stops that attitude
right away.

She smiles sadly. She gathers together all the items she has
bought, putting them back in the bag and lies down on her bed
where she checks her cell phone, going through the unread
messages, and sees the message that Marta sent her a few
minutes ago. So, without getting out of bed, she rings her
number.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Irene prepares for a video conference with AmoDark in her bedroom, showing off various items including a leather leash. She receives instructions from AmoDark and is interrupted by her dog, Truhan. The scene ends with Irene calling Marta after reading a message from her.
Strengths
  • Intriguing character development
  • Effective portrayal of themes
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity in Irene's motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys Irene's complex emotions and sets up intrigue for future developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Irene's hidden desires and interactions with an online persona is intriguing and adds depth to her character.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through Irene's interactions with AmoDark, hinting at a secretive and potentially dangerous side of her character.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as virtual interactions, power dynamics, and sensuality, creating a fresh and intriguing narrative. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Irene's character is well-developed, showcasing her inner conflict, desires, and the complexity of her relationships.

Character Changes: 7

Irene experiences a shift in her emotions and desires throughout the scene, hinting at potential character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to feel desired and validated. She seeks approval and affirmation of her sensuality and attractiveness.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to fulfill the request of AmoDark and bring all the items shown in the video conference.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a subtle conflict between Irene's desires and her inner turmoil, adding tension to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with obstacles and challenges that create uncertainty and drive the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are subtly raised as Irene engages in secretive interactions with AmoDark, hinting at potential risks.

Story Forward: 7

The scene introduces new elements and hints at future developments, moving the story forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected turn of events, such as the interruption by the protagonist's dog and the message left by AmoDark.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's desires for validation and the potential consequences of her actions. It challenges societal norms and expectations regarding sexuality and power dynamics.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions from desire to sadness, engaging the audience in Irene's internal struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between Irene and AmoDark is intriguing and adds depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of sensuality, mystery, and introspection, keeping the audience intrigued and invested in the protagonist's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the protagonist's actions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, enhancing the visual and narrative flow of the interaction.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively building tension and intrigue through the protagonist's actions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene feels a bit rushed and lacking in emotional depth. Irene's excitement and anticipation about the online encounter with AmoDark are conveyed, but we don't see the 'why' behind it. Why is she seeking this kind of relationship? What is her backstory that leads her to this point? The scene would be more impactful if it explored her motivations and emotions a bit deeper.
  • The dialogue feels a bit clunky and expository. The lines 'Do you like it? Do you think it suits me?' feel more like a prompt to the audience rather than natural dialogue. Additionally, AmoDark's lines 'Show me the rest' and 'Try that on' are overly direct and lacking in nuance. This might be appropriate for a more comedic scene, but here, it weakens the sense of tension and intrigue.
  • The scene's pacing is uneven. It jumps abruptly from Irene getting ready to the video call, and then from the call to Irene reading the message from AmoDark. The scene could benefit from a more gradual build-up of tension and anticipation.
  • The visual description is lacking. While the script mentions some details, it could use more evocative language to paint a vivid picture of Irene's apartment and the objects she is showing to AmoDark. The scene could be more immersive and engaging if it incorporated more sensory details.
  • The transition from the previous scene feels a bit abrupt. It would be helpful to have a smoother transition from Marta's interaction with Rodney to Irene's video conference. Perhaps we could see Marta receiving a message from Irene or having a thought about her friend, which would create a smoother link between the two scenes.
  • The scene ends with Irene calling Marta, but the impact is muted. It could be more impactful if we saw Marta's reaction to the call or even the beginning of their conversation. This would create a sense of anticipation for the next scene and further build the suspense surrounding Irene's situation.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict. While Irene's excitement and anticipation are apparent, there isn't a concrete obstacle or challenge that she faces. This makes the scene feel a bit passive and lacks the tension needed to engage the reader.
  • The scene could be more immersive by incorporating more sensory details. For example, instead of saying 'Irene feels desired and obeys, while laughing', we could describe how her body feels as she puts on the harness, the sound of her laughter, or the way her heart beats faster. This would allow the reader to experience Irene's emotions more fully.
Suggestions
  • Develop Irene's backstory and motivation. Why is she drawn to this kind of relationship? What kind of past experiences have led her to this point? Exploring her internal conflict and motivations will make her character more relatable and compelling.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to be more natural and evocative. Use subtext and suggestive language to hint at the deeper meaning behind Irene's actions and desires. Instead of 'Do you like it? Do you think it suits me?', explore more nuanced questions that reveal Irene's inner thoughts and feelings.
  • Slow down the pacing. Build tension gradually by showing Irene's anticipation and preparation for the video call. Show her hesitation or inner conflict before she makes the call. This will create a more engaging and suspenseful experience for the reader.
  • Add more visual details. Use vivid language to describe Irene's apartment, the objects she's showing to AmoDark, and her movements. Create a more immersive and sensual experience for the reader by evoking their senses.
  • Create a smoother transition between scenes. Connect the scene with the previous one by showing Marta receiving a message from Irene or having a thought about her. This will help to build anticipation for the upcoming interaction between the two characters.
  • End the scene on a more impactful note. Show Marta's reaction to Irene's call or the beginning of their conversation. This will create a sense of anticipation for the next scene and heighten the suspense surrounding Irene's situation.
  • Introduce a conflict. Consider adding an obstacle or challenge that Irene faces in this scene. This could be an internal conflict, such as her fear of getting caught by her partner or a family member, or an external conflict, such as a technical issue with the video call or Truhan's disruptive behavior.
  • Incorporate more sensory details. Instead of simply stating Irene's emotions, describe how those emotions manifest in her body language, her facial expressions, and her movements. This will make the scene more immersive and engaging for the reader.



Scene 6 -  A Missing Daughter and a Meeting at 221B
20 INT. MARTA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT.

The phone's vibration wakes MARTA. She sits up with a start
and, without looking at the number, she answers hurriedly.

MARTA
Hello?

IRENE
I just read your message. I hope I
did not wake you up.

MARTA
Oh, it's you. No, you didn’t. I
wasn't asleep. But I was about to
go to bed.

IRENE
(laughing)
Don’t lie to me. You were asleep.

MARTA
Whatever. I'm glad we can finally
talk.
14.


IRENE
Hey, I know you're tired. I just
want to suggest that we meet up one
afternoon to talk quietly, while
having a coffee.

MARTA
If you change the coffee for a
drink, I accept.

IRENE
It’s up to you. How about tomorrow
afternoon?

MARTA
Sounds good for me. We can meet in
221B. Do you know it? They offer
luxury drinks and they also serve
coffee.

IRENE
I do. I think I've been there with
you before. See you there at five?

MARTA
Okay.

IRENE
See you tomorrow then. Sleep tight.

Marta hangs up the phone, feeling relieved, and closes her
eyes. Rodney lies down next to her. He begins to caress her,
and she sits up abruptly.

MARTA
Forget it! I’m tired.

Rodney is about to reply something; but Marta wags her finger
at him threateningly.

MARTA (CONT’D)
If you insist, I will put handcuffs
and a gag on you.
15.


They both stay on the bed, in silence. Marta falls asleep
immediately while Rodney watches her, still with his eyes
open.

FADE TO BLACK


21 INT. POLICE STATION - DAY.

MARTA reviews some documentation and JOAQUÍN, who is
gathering his stuff, approaches her.

JOAQUÍN
Are you going to stay all
afternoon??

MARTA
I want to finish some paperwork.
Why do you ask?

JOAQUÍN
No reason. I thought you were
meeting someone.

Marta's face lights up. She looks at the time and, without
putting the papers away, she gets up quickly, cursing.

MARTA
Shit! Irene. I had forgotten!

JOAQUÍN
(in a joking tone)
Someday you are going to introduce
me to your friend.

Marta gives him a look, as if sparing him the death penalty.

MARTA
She's not your type. But I owe you
one!

Marta leaves the office in a hurry.


22 INT. CAFÉ 221B - DAY.

MARTA arrives in a hurry to the meeting place. She looks at
the time and walks quickly, looking among the tables for
Irene. When she finally finds her, she approaches her.
16.


IRENE gets up from her seat and they both give each other two
kisses.

MARTA
Sorry. I was absorbed in work.

IRENE
(smiling, sarcastically)
How odd! Why doesn't that surprise
me?

Marta and Irene sit.

MARTA
(with a resigned gesture)
Well, let's talk about serious
things: how is Luna doing?

Irene's face abruptly loses its smile and Marta notices it. A
WAITER (25) approaches the table.

MARTA (CONT’D)
I'm going to have a gin and tonic.

IRENE
I'll have the same.

The waiter nods affirmatively and leaves. Marta looks at
Irene with concern and takes her hand.

MARTA
What’s the matter?

IRENE
Nothing. She... she had to go.

MARTA
(surprised)
When? I had no idea...

Irene forces a smile.

IRENE
It doesn't matter. Let's talk about
something else.
17.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Mystery"]

Summary Marta, a police officer, is abruptly awakened by a phone call from Irene, who invites her to meet at a café. Marta, already feeling overwhelmed by work, agrees and leaves in a rush after finishing her paperwork. At the café, Irene reveals that her daughter Luna has left, leaving Marta worried about the situation. The scene ends with Marta's concern hanging in the air, hinting at potential conflict and complications.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Complex character relationships
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some lack of clarity on Irene's emotional state regarding Luna

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the complex emotions between Marta and Irene, setting up a compelling dynamic for future developments. The dialogue is engaging and reveals layers of the characters' personalities.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the relationship between Marta and Irene while balancing work and personal life is well-executed. The scene sets up potential conflicts and character growth.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Marta rushes to meet Irene, showcasing her dedication to their friendship. The revelation about Luna adds depth to Irene's character and hints at future developments.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to a common scenario of meeting up with a friend, with a focus on the characters' emotional dynamics and underlying tensions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Marta and Irene are well-developed characters with distinct personalities and a complex relationship. Their interactions reveal layers of emotions and set the stage for character growth.

Character Changes: 7

Marta shows dedication to her work and friendship with Irene, while Irene reveals vulnerability and unresolved emotions. The scene sets up potential character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Marta's internal goal in this scene is to reconnect with Irene and possibly address any underlying tension or unresolved issues between them. This reflects Marta's desire for connection and communication in her relationships.

External Goal: 7

Marta's external goal is to meet Irene at the cafe and have a conversation with her. This reflects the immediate circumstance of their planned meeting and Marta's need to fulfill her commitment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a subtle conflict between Marta and Irene, hinted at through their interactions and unspoken tensions. The conflict adds depth to their relationship and sets up potential drama.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with hints of conflict and tension between the characters, but not a major obstacle that significantly challenges the protagonist.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate in the scene, focusing more on the emotional and interpersonal dynamics between the characters rather than high-stakes action. However, the unresolved tensions hint at potential conflicts.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the relationship between Marta and Irene, hinting at future conflicts and developments. It sets the stage for upcoming events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional depth and tension that arises between the characters, adding a layer of complexity to the conversation.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between Marta's desire for open communication and Irene's reluctance to discuss certain topics, as seen in Irene's avoidance of discussing Luna's departure. This challenges Marta's belief in the importance of honesty and openness in relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from relief to concern, adding depth to the characters and their relationships. The revelation about Luna adds an emotional layer to Irene's character.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals the characters' emotions and motivations effectively. It sets the tone for the scene and hints at underlying tensions.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the relatable character dynamics, the blend of humor and drama, and the underlying tension between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue-driven moments with character actions, creating a natural flow of events and interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear scene transitions, character interactions, and a progression of events that build tension and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene feels rushed and lacks emotional depth. The conversation between Marta and Irene is too brief and doesn't adequately convey the importance of their meeting.
  • The transition from Marta's apartment to the police station is abrupt and lacks visual or narrative connection. It feels like a scene break instead of a smooth progression.
  • The humor in Joaquín's lines about introducing Marta's friend to him feels forced and out of place, given the seriousness of the situation.
  • The dialogue in the café scene is rather flat and lacks the tension that should be present given that Irene has just revealed her daughter, Luna, has left.
  • The scene ends on a weak note with Irene's vague response about Luna. It doesn't provide any sense of closure or set up a compelling hook for the next scene.
Suggestions
  • Expand the conversation between Marta and Irene in the apartment, highlighting their emotional states and the tension between them. Perhaps Irene expresses her concern about Luna's absence in a more emotionally charged way.
  • Consider adding a brief visual transition between Marta's apartment and the police station, perhaps a shot of her driving, to create a smoother flow.
  • Rethink the humor in Joaquín's lines, as it doesn't align with the overall tone of the scene. Perhaps he could express concern about Marta's workload or her emotional state.
  • Develop the conversation between Marta and Irene in the café, allowing them to explore their concerns about Luna's departure in more detail. Introduce some visual cues to enhance the dramatic tension, such as close-ups on their faces as they react to each other's words.
  • End the scene with a stronger hook. Perhaps Marta could press Irene for more information about Luna's departure, or a suspenseful moment could be introduced to set up the next scene.



Scene 7 -  Confessions at Cafe 221B
23 INT. CAFÉ 221B - DAY.

IRENE and MARTA laugh. The waiter returns with the glasses.
Marta takes hers and raises it. Irene accepts the toast and
they clink glasses. They take a sip. Marta makes a satisfied
face.

MARTA
This is the best gin and tonic in
the world... Well, why did you want
to see me?

IRENE
Do I need a reason? We are friends.
I was willing to see you.

MARTA
Come on! Spit it out!

Irene takes a long drink from her glass and snorts.

IRENE
I have gotten into a
sadomasochistic relationship.

MARTA
(choking on her drink)
What are you saying? Tell me at
least that you are the one with the
riding crop.

IRENE
I'm afraid not. I'm going to spend
this weekend with a master.

MARTA
Come on! All weekend? In a hotel?

Irene nods negatively.

IRENE
In a house on the outskirts.

MARTA
How did you know him? Did someone
introduce you?

IRENE
I met him on Twitter.
18.


MARTA
So, you haven't seen him in your
fucking life. And you go with him
to a house for a whole weekend.
Damn, you're out of your mind.

Irene looks at her with a forced, uncomfortable smile.

MARTA (CONT’D)
How did this cross your mind, tell
me?

IRENE
Maybe it's just curiosity.

MARTA
Curiosity? What's wrong with you?
Have you read one of those Grey's
books and been blown away?

IRENE
(nodding negatively)
Months ago, I began to be
interested in this topic. I have
been informing myself on the
Internet, I contacted Twitter
groups about this matter, I have
had virtual dates...

MARTA
I guess you know that these silly
little games on the Internet have
little to do with real sex.

IRENE
Real sex? Do you really think it's
not real because it is through a
screen and a camera?

MARTA
Listen. Maybe it's fun. I do not
deny it; but it’s not the same, and
even less so if it involves games
of domination.
19.


IRENE
I assure you that, for me, it is
the most exciting thing. I haven't
felt so alive in a while.

MARTA
(snorting)
Have you even bothered to
investigate your "master"?

IRENE
What for?

MARTA
Wow, you're naive. Listen, tell me
your Twitter account.

IRENE
Wait. What do you have in mind? I
won’t let you spy on him.

MARTA
That wouldn't be spying... Damn.
OK. At least tell me where the
meeting will take place. Is it one
of those places they rent for these
things? You know, decorated like
dungeons and all that stuff.

IRENE
I can't give you an address. It is
a house away from the city. It is
not in an urban center. You get
there through an unmarked path.

MARTA
In other words, it’s in an isolated
place in the middle of the country.
I like your date less and less.
Will I be able to persuade you to
cancel it?

IRENE
No, you won’t.
20.


MARTA
I knew it. Listen. I guess you have
the coordinates to get to that
place, right? Give me the location.
I only ask you that.

IRENE
What for? Are you going to join the
party and surprise us by showing
up?

MARTA
I don’t mean that; but...

IRENE
Listen. If I'm telling you all
this, it's because you are my
friend and I wanted to share it.
For me, it's like an adventure.

MARTA
I know, and I don't mean to spoil
your party. I have asked you for
the location, but I don’t plan to
interrupt anything. But if I didn't
hear from you by Monday, I would go
there to look for you.

IRENE
What do you think will happen?

MARTA
Nothing. I hope so. But if
something were to happen to you, I
don't want to torment myself
thinking that I could have helped
if I had known the location.

IRENE
(sighing)
Alright. I’ll send you the location
by phone. You happy?

MARTA
Not entirely.

IRENE
What else do you want?
21.


MARTA
That guy's Twitter username.

IRENE
No. I don’t want you to snoop
around...

MARTA
I swear I'm not going to snoop on
anything unless something happens
to you.

IRENE
Okay, I'll send you the location
and his Twitter alias. Anything
else?

Marta calms down and takes a long drink of her gin and tonic.

MARTA
I wouldn't have worried if you had
chosen the role of mistress. Guys
who allow themselves to be beaten
are assholes and deserve to be
kicked; but the others are
psychopaths, fucking morons.

Irene looks at her cell phone clock.

IRENE
It has been a pleasure to talk with
you; but I have to go. You know,
the preparations.

Marta nods affirmatively, smiling. Irene takes her purse out
of her bag and puts a bill on the tray to pay the check.

MARTA
Don’t bother. We pay half.

IRENE
You pay the next time. If you want
me to tell you about next weekend,
you'll have to.

Marta smiles and accepts. They get up and kiss goodbye. At
the exit door, when they are about to separate, Irene turns
to Marta.
22.


IRENE (CONT’D)
Would you really have preferred me
to be a...?

MARTA
What?

IRENE
Moronic psychopath. Isn't that what
you called the masters?

MARTA
But I didn't mean you.

IRENE
Of course!

Irene opens the door and leaves. Marta stands for a moment
and, through the glass door, she sees the figure of her
friend disappear into the crowd.

FLASHBACK.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Irene meets with her friend Marta at a cafe and confides in her about entering a sadomasochistic relationship with a master she met on Twitter. Marta expresses concern and eventually convinces Irene to share the location and the master's Twitter alias for safety reasons. The scene ends with Irene leaving the cafe, and Marta watching her friend disappear into the crowd.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character development
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances humor and seriousness while delving into a sensitive topic. The dynamic between the characters keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring curiosity and potentially dangerous situations is intriguing and adds depth to the characters. Irene's revelation adds a layer of complexity to the storyline.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Irene reveals her involvement in a sadomasochistic relationship, leading to Marta's concern for her friend's safety. The scene sets up potential conflict and raises stakes for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to exploring themes of curiosity, sexuality, and friendship through candid and humorous dialogue. The characters' actions and reactions feel authentic and relatable, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Marta and Irene are well-developed, with Marta showing concern for her friend and Irene revealing a new side to her personality. Their dynamic and dialogue drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

Irene's revelation about her sadomasochistic relationship marks a change in her character, showing a new side to her personality. Marta's concern for her friend also deepens her character.

Internal Goal: 8

Irene's internal goal is to explore her curiosity and desire for excitement through a sadomasochistic relationship, reflecting her need for adventure and a sense of aliveness.

External Goal: 7

Irene's external goal is to share her experience with her friend Marta and potentially seek reassurance or validation for her choices.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a subtle conflict between Marta's concern for Irene's safety and Irene's determination to explore her curiosity. This conflict adds tension to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from Marta's skepticism and concern, creating a subtle conflict that adds depth to the conversation.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as Irene reveals her participation in a sadomasochistic relationship, hinting at potential dangers and consequences. Marta's concern adds urgency to the situation.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by revealing Irene's involvement in a potentially dangerous relationship, setting up future conflicts and developments. Marta's concern for her friend adds depth to the storyline.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of the direction of the conversation, but the characters' reactions and revelations add a layer of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the exploration of unconventional sexual practices and the perception of real versus virtual experiences. Marta challenges Irene's beliefs and values regarding the authenticity and safety of her choices.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from amusement at the humor to concern for Irene's safety. The dynamic between the characters adds emotional depth to the conversation.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging, mixing humor and seriousness effectively. It reveals the characters' personalities and motivations, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its provocative subject matter, witty dialogue, and the dynamic interaction between the characters, keeping the audience intrigued and invested in the conversation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and intrigue, allowing for moments of reflection and humor to enhance the overall impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a dialogue-heavy interaction in a café setting, with clear character actions and reactions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural progression of dialogue and actions, effectively building tension and intrigue around Irene's revelation.


Critique
  • The scene feels a bit too expository. While it's important for the audience to understand Irene's intentions, the back-and-forth dialogue feels a bit heavy-handed, especially in the early part of the scene.
  • The scene also lacks a strong sense of conflict. While Marta's concern for Irene is clear, there's not a lot of dramatic tension driving the interaction. The scene mostly feels like an information dump rather than a dynamic conversation.
  • The dialogue is a bit repetitive at times, with Marta repeating her concerns and Irene explaining her perspective with very little variation. This could be made more engaging with sharper and more specific language.
  • The scene doesn't really move the plot forward. While it provides information about Irene's relationship with the master, it doesn't significantly change the overall trajectory of the story.
  • The comedic tone, especially when Marta insults the master, feels out of place given the seriousness of the situation. It undermines the potential dramatic impact of Irene's choices.
Suggestions
  • Consider finding a more subtle way to reveal Irene's intentions. Perhaps a scene where she browses online forums or shops for BDSM gear could convey her interests without the need for direct dialogue.
  • Introduce a conflict into the conversation. Perhaps Marta could try to dissuade Irene from seeing the master, leading to a more emotionally charged exchange.
  • Sharpen the dialogue. Use more specific and evocative language to convey the characters' emotions and motivations.
  • Consider adding a scene that directly relates to the main plot, such as Marta receiving a disturbing message from Irene or making a discovery that leads to the next step in the investigation.
  • If you decide to keep the comedic tone, use it more sparingly and strategically to create contrast and highlight the absurdity of the situation.



Scene 8 -  Defending a Friend
24 EXT. INSTITUTE COURTYARD - DAY.

In the courtyard of a high school, during recess, several
BOYS (15-17) seem to be chatting; they eat a sandwich, they
smoke secretly. IRENE (15) is a pretty girl, very striking
for her age, but with a fragile appearance. Three BOYS (16)
approach her and, seeing them coming, Irene tries to run away
from them. The BOYS surround her and prevent her escape.


25 EXT. INSTITUTE COURTYARD - DAY.

MARTA (15) sees the BOYS harassing IRENE in the distance. The
boys laugh while they grope her. Irene tries to defend
herself without success.

Marta is not that attractive and, especially next to Irene,
she seems like a tougher girl. Marta decisively addresses
BOY1 who is harassing Irene at that moment, and pushes him
back. Boy1 turns and looks at her up and down.

BOY1
Go away. I’m not interested in you.
23.


MARTA
Leave my friend alone.

BOY1
She's hotter than you. I'm not
going to leave her alone.

After saying this, boy1 gropes Irene's ass and chest, who
cries, trying to get rid of him. Marta pushes him again and
stands between Irene and him, standing up to the boy.

BOY1 (CONT’D)
(with sarcasm)
If you insist, we can have a
threesome.

The three boys who surround the bully celebrate his joke.
Marta reacts decisively and punches him, causing him to lose
his balance. When he is getting up, she kicks him in the
crotch and the boy writhes in pain. Irene watches the scene
with admiration, even pleasure. Marta turns to her and gives
her hand to get her out of there. Before leaving, Marta turns
to the other boys.

MARTA
If you guys happen to bother her, I
will do the same to you.

Boy1 begins to sit up, battered, and looks at them with
hatred.

BOY1
Tomboys! Get out of here!

Marta and Irene ignore the provocation and leave.

END FLASHBACK.


26 INT. MARTA'S APARTMENT/OFFICE - NIGHT.

MARTA looks carefully at a web page with different profiles
of masters on her laptop screen. From the door, RODNEY sees
her busy on her laptop and enters the office. He hugs her
from behind.

RODNEY
I thought we agreed that you
wouldn't take work home.
24.


MARTA
(sighing) )
It's not from work.

Rodney looks at the screen and is surprised to discover that
Marta is browsing BDSM-related Twitter profiles. Makes a
surprised face.

RODNEY
What's that?

MARTA
Don't worry. It's because of
something my friend Irene told me.

RODNEY
Is it something you should worry
about?

MARTA
I don’t know yet.

RODNEY
Tell me about it.

MARTA
Irene is going to see a master this
weekend. I'm looking at his Twitter
profile.

RODNEY
Why? She is already grown up. If
she likes those games, what's
wrong?

MARTA
The problem is that she doesn't
know that guy at all and he has
arranged to meet her at a house in
the middle of nowhere.

RODNEY
I see. And have you found out
anything?

Marta nods negatively with a worried expression.
25.


RODNEY (CONT’D)
I wouldn't worry too much. Your
friend Irene has always been...

MARTA
Strange? Maybe. But I worry. I
can't help it.

RODNEY
What makes you think you have to
follow her? You are not her
bodyguard.

MARTA looks at RODNEY tenderly and shakes her head
doubtfully.

MARTA
I feel like something is wrong. And
my intuition does not usually fail
me.

RODNEY
What are you going to do then?

Marta moves away from the laptop and stands up. She hugs
Rodney.

MARTA
Don't be angry. Come on! Let's
forget this matter.

Rodney does not hide his satisfaction and smiles frankly.
kisses her.

RODNEY
Let's go out for a drink. That will
distract you and you won't give it
any more thought.

MARTA
Alright. I turn this off and we
leave.

Rodney nods affirmatively and leaves the office. Marta looks
at the Twitter account again, with a worried expression. She
turns off the computer.
26.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In this scene, Marta, a tough girl, intervenes to stop a group of boys from harassing her friend Irene in the high school courtyard. Marta physically defends Irene, driving the boys away with punches and kicks. The scene ends with Marta and Irene leaving the courtyard, ignoring the boys' insults.
Strengths
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-building
  • Authentic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential predictability in Marta's protective instincts
  • Limited exploration of Irene's perspective

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a compelling conflict while showcasing the strong bond between Marta and Irene. The dialogue is engaging and reveals important character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of friendship, protection, and intuition is well-developed and drives the emotional core of the scene. The exploration of Marta's concern for Irene adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Marta discovers Irene's risky situation, setting up a potential conflict and raising the stakes for the characters. The scene sets up a compelling dilemma for Marta to navigate.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of bullying and harassment, showcasing the importance of loyalty and courage in defending others. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the authenticity of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Marta and Irene are well-defined and their relationship is portrayed authentically. Marta's protective instincts and Irene's vulnerability are effectively conveyed through their actions and dialogue.

Character Changes: 7

Marta experiences a shift in her emotions from concern to determination as she decides to take action to protect Irene. This change in her character sets up potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 9

Marta's internal goal is to protect her friend Irene from the harassment and potential danger she faces. This reflects Marta's deeper need for loyalty, courage, and standing up against injustice.

External Goal: 8

Marta's external goal is to ensure Irene's safety and prevent her from meeting a potentially dangerous stranger. This reflects the immediate challenge of protecting a friend from harm.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Marta's concern for Irene's safety and Irene's risky behavior creates tension and sets up a potential confrontation. The scene effectively establishes the stakes for the characters.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Marta facing multiple boys who harass and threaten her friend Irene, creating a sense of danger and uncertainty for the characters.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of Irene's risky situation and Marta's determination to protect her friend add tension and urgency to the scene. The potential consequences of Irene's actions raise the stakes for the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and raising the stakes for the characters. It sets up a compelling narrative arc for Marta and Irene to navigate.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected turn of events, where Marta takes decisive action to defend Irene, leading to a confrontation with the boys.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the values of loyalty, courage, and standing up against injustice versus the acceptance of harmful behavior and the objectification of women. Marta's actions challenge the boys' behavior and highlight the importance of defending others.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of concern, fear, and determination, particularly in Marta's actions and dialogue. The bond between Marta and Irene resonates with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the characters' emotions and motivations. It effectively conveys the tension and concern present in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense conflict, emotional stakes, and the audience's investment in Marta's actions to protect her friend.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic confrontation between Marta and the boys, enhancing the emotional impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, confrontation, and resolution, effectively conveying the themes of loyalty and courage.


Critique
  • The flashback scene feels a bit generic and cliche. While it is important to establish the history between Marta and Irene, this scene doesn't really offer much insight into their relationship beyond a shared history of bullying and physical confrontation. The 'tomboy' line feels forced and out of place.
  • The pacing is a bit slow and the dialogue is predictable. For example, the line 'Go away. I'm not interested in you.' is a cliché that doesn't do much to advance the scene or reveal anything about the characters. There are also a lot of instances where the dialogue doesn't sound like real, natural speech.
  • The scene could be more visually interesting. The setting of the courtyard is not fully utilized, and the action doesn't really bring the space to life. There could be more focus on the visual details and the emotional impact of the scene on the characters. We also have a lot of 'telling' about how Marta is tough, but could use some more 'showing' to demonstrate her personality.
  • The transition from the flashback to the present scene feels abrupt and jarring. The scene doesn't really connect to the flashback in a meaningful way, and there is no sense of continuity.
  • The dialogue in the present scene is a bit expository and doesn't flow naturally. For example, the line 'It's not from work.' feels clunky and unnecessary, and doesn't really contribute to the scene. The scene also doesn't do a good job of building tension or setting up the main conflict, which is Marta's concern about Irene and her online relationship.
  • The scene ends on a rather anticlimactic note. Marta turns off the computer, and it feels like the scene is simply stopping rather than concluding with a sense of closure or building to the next scene.
  • There's a sense of contradiction in the scene. While Marta seems to have deep concern about Irene, she and Rodney seem more interested in their own relationship and getting out for drinks. This seems to contradict Marta's supposed worries about Irene, and doesn't give the reader much insight into her character.
Suggestions
  • Consider using the flashback scene to reveal a deeper, more nuanced aspect of Marta and Irene's relationship. Perhaps their shared history of bullying led to a strong bond, or Irene's vulnerability made her rely on Marta's protection. This could also make the scene more visually and emotionally engaging.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and character-driven. Focus on the subtext and the emotional weight of the scene. The characters should sound like real people and not just exposition devices.
  • Create a more visually engaging setting for the courtyard scene. Use details, sensory information, and action to bring the scene to life. Perhaps focus on a detail like Irene's fear, or Marta's anger, to make the scene more impactful.
  • Connect the flashback to the present scene in a more meaningful way. Use the flashback to foreshadow the conflict in the present scene. Perhaps Marta's actions in the flashback demonstrate her protective nature, which is the driving force behind her concern for Irene.
  • Make the dialogue in the present scene more subtle and less expository. Show Marta's concern and her desire to help Irene through her actions and her emotional reactions. Use the dialogue to reveal the character's inner thoughts and feelings.
  • Conclude the scene with a stronger sense of closure and a hook that builds anticipation for the next scene. Perhaps end on a note of uncertainty or suspense, emphasizing Marta's concern about Irene's safety.



Scene 9 -  Weekend Getaway with a Canine Handoff
27 INT. IRENE'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - DAY.

IRENE gathers her dog's things and puts them in a travel bag:
a bag of food, a feeder, the leash, one of his toys and also
the veterinary card.


28 EXT. STREET - DAY.

IRENE opens the trunk of her car and, with a signal, tells
her dog TRUHAN to get in. He obeys, jumping. Then she puts
her luggage inside, the travel bag with the dog's stuff and
closes the trunk.


29 EXT. RESIDENTIAL AREA. DAY.

IRENE drives through the city until she reaches a residential
area on the outskirts. She parks her car and rings the
doorbell of one of the houses. Antonio (62), a thin man with
a frail and aged appearance, opens the door. They greet each
other with a kiss.

ANTONIO
Hello! Did you bring me Truhan?

IRENE
I have him in the trunk. Let's go
for him.

Antonio and Irene head towards the car.

ANTONIO
Your holy mother is going to kill
me when she sees this furry guy at
home.

IRENE
Haven't you told her yet?

Antonio smiles mockingly. Irene opens the trunk and TRUHAN
greets Antonio effusively.

ANTONIO
Don't worry. I'll blame you for
everything. I'll tell her that you
stayed home with the dog, saying
you had to leave.
27.


IRENE
You are a case...

ANTONIO
Well, I call it “fait accompli
politics”.

Irene leashed the dog and hands the leash to Antonio.

ANTONIO (CONT’D)
Where are you going to spend the
weekend?

IRENE
A friend and I have rented a rural
hotel.

ANTONIO
One of those having a pool and
massage service?

IRENE
Of course! You already know me.

ANTONIO
And they don't let you bring
animals?

IRENE
No. They don’t. Also, my friend is
allergic.

ANTONIO
Do you mean your friend the female
police officer?

IRENE
No, I don’t. I'm going with
Natalia.

ANTONIO
The weird one? Well...

Irene casts a disapproving look at her father. Antonio grabs
one of the travel bags in the trunk and prepares to open it.

IRENE
(nervous)
Don’t. That's my luggage.
28.


Irene takes the bag from his hands, puts it back in its place
and hands him the bag with her dog's stuff. Irene closes the
trunk.

IRENE (CONT’D)
I have to go now. Take care of
Truhan. And don't fight with mom.

They say goodbye. Irene gets into her car.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Irene, heading out on a weekend trip with her friend Natalia, drops her dog Truhan off with her father, Antonio. Antonio is surprised but delighted to see Truhan, although worried about his mother's reaction. Irene assures him she's handled everything and instructs him on caring for Truhan, leaving him with a playful reminder to blame her if his mother gets upset. Irene then departs for her trip, leaving Antonio and Truhan to enjoy their time together.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Subtle foreshadowing
Weaknesses
  • Limited action
  • Low immediate stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys emotion and sets up future developments for Irene, providing insight into her relationships and plans.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of saying goodbye to a beloved pet and revealing details about Irene's personal life adds depth to the character and sets up potential conflicts or resolutions.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Irene prepares for her trip and interacts with her father, hinting at future events and character dynamics.

Originality: 7

The scene offers a fresh take on the familiar theme of family relationships and responsibilities, with authentic character actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene delves into Irene's relationships and personality, showcasing her caring nature towards her dog and her playful banter with her father.

Character Changes: 6

Irene's character is further developed through her interactions with her father, showcasing her caring nature and hinting at upcoming changes in her life.

Internal Goal: 8

Irene's internal goal in this scene is to ensure her dog, Truhan, is safely handed over to her father, Antonio, while also managing her own emotions and nerves about leaving him behind.

External Goal: 7

Irene's external goal is to hand over her dog to her father and prepare for her weekend trip with her friend Natalia.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

While there is a hint of potential conflict in Irene's relationships and upcoming plans, the scene primarily focuses on emotional connections and preparations.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the contrasting attitudes of Irene and Antonio towards taking care of Truhan, adding conflict and tension to their interaction.

High Stakes: 4

While there are hints of potential conflicts and changes in Irene's life, the immediate stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on emotional connections.

Story Forward: 7

The scene sets up future events and character developments for Irene, moving the story forward by introducing new elements and relationships.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat predictable in terms of the outcome of Irene handing over her dog to her father, but there are moments of tension and surprise in the dialogue.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of responsibility and honesty. Antonio's casual attitude towards taking care of Truhan contrasts with Irene's more serious approach to ensuring his well-being.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes emotions through the heartfelt farewell between Irene and her father, as well as the underlying themes of responsibility and change.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and relationships between Irene and her father, adding depth to their interactions.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the relatable family dynamics, the tension between characters, and the anticipation of Irene's upcoming trip.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest through well-timed dialogue and action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined beats that advance the plot and develop the characters.


Critique
  • The scene feels a bit slow and uneventful. While it establishes Irene's relationship with her father and the fact that she's going on a trip with a friend, the dialogue feels a bit forced and the pacing is languid.
  • The exchange about the dog feels repetitive, as Antonio's concern about his mother's reaction is stated multiple times. The writer could streamline this section and focus on the tension that Irene's trip causes.
  • The scene suffers from a lack of conflict or tension. While Antonio's concern about his mother creates a minor obstacle, there's no real sense of urgency or dramatic stakes.
  • The line 'You are a case...' feels unnatural and clunky. It's better to show than tell, so instead of Irene stating it directly, the writer could use subtle details to convey her opinion of Antonio.
  • The introduction of Natalia as a 'weird' friend creates a sense of mystery, but it's not explored further in this scene. The writer could hint at Natalia's nature more subtly, perhaps through Irene's body language or a reaction to her father's comment.
  • The final lines of dialogue - 'I have to go now. Take care of Truhan. And don't fight with mom' - feel uneventful and lack a strong sense of closure. The writer could end the scene with a more impactful or dramatic moment.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a sense of urgency or tension to the scene, perhaps through a phone call or a text message that interrupts Irene's goodbye with her father.
  • Explore the conflict between Irene's desire to leave and Antonio's concern for his mother, highlighting the potential consequences of her absence.
  • Introduce a visual element that adds to the mystery surrounding Natalia, such as a fleeting glimpse of her in the background or a suggestive exchange of glances between her and Irene.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to be more natural and engaging, focusing on subtext and unspoken emotions. Avoid stating things directly and instead use subtle gestures, facial expressions, and reactions to convey the characters' feelings.
  • End the scene with a more dramatic or impactful moment, such as Irene driving away with a sense of determination or a lingering shot of Antonio looking worried about his daughter's whereabouts.



Scene 10 -  Dark Encounter
30 INT. IRENE’S CAR - DAY.

IRENE turns on the GPS on her phone and marks the coordinates
of the destination. She starts the car and drives guided by
the GPS.


31 EXT. ROAD - DAY.

IRENE'S car travels along a main road and takes a detour.


32 EXT. MINOR ROAD - NIGHT.

IRENE'S car leaves a secondary road and enters a dirt road.


33 INT. IRENE’S CAR - NIGHT.

IRENE stops the car and picks up her cell phone. Before
leaving the vehicle, deletes recent location history and
turns off the phone.


34 INT. MARTA'S APARTMENT/LIVING ROOM/OFFICE - NIGHT.

MARTA and RODNEY are sitting on the couch watching TV. Rodney
falls asleep and Marta gets up quietly. She goes to the
office and plugs in the computer.

She browses a BDSM meeting site. She finds a videos section.
She hesitates a little before clicking.

A screen is in view with dozens of thumbnail images linked to
videos. She clicks on one at random. The video shows a
blindfolded woman on her knees, with her hands tied behind
her back. A guy comes up behind her and pushes her violently.
Then he climbs on top of her and raises his hand. He
brandishes a huge dildo. Marta snorts and stops the video.
29.


She takes a deep breath and plays another one. This video
shows a woman with a ball gag in her mouth. Very tight ropes
are tied to her body, surrounding her breasts, arms, legs.
Marta looks with a displeased face. Her ropes are so tight
that they leave indentations in the woman's flesh. A hooded
man approaches and slaps her. He pounces on her and rapes her
while he squeezes her neck with his hands. The woman's face
turns red. Marta stops the video, rubs her eyes with her
fingers and looks down for a moment.

She looks up again and chooses another video. In it, a woman
in leather boots whips a man chained to rings who wears a
metal device, which presses on his genitals.

Marta looks scared and stops the video. She huffs with
resignation, closes her laptop and lights a cigarette.


35 INT. COTTAGE/HALL - NIGHT.

IRENE enters the house, carrying the bag. All the windows are
closed, the blinds and the curtains are drawn. No light
enters from the outside. The room is illuminated with candles
placed on the floor and with candelabras on the few rustic
furniture. The first ones form a path leading to a narrow,
empty room. There is a handwritten note with brief
instructions: "CHANGE AND WAIT."


36 INT. COTTAGE/ROOM - NIGHT.

IRENE enters the room and begins to undress. A couple of
candles dimly illuminate the room.


37 INT. COTTAGE/ROOM - NIGHT.

IRENE is dressed in black leather lingerie, she is barefoot.
She has a leather strap around her neck and wears her hair in
a ponytail. She is standing and shivering from the cold. She
rubs her body with her hands. The candles are about to burn
out. There is a loud knock, and Irene turns towards the door.

IRENE
Is there anybody there?

Nobody answers. She sits on the floor. PERSEPHONE (38) shows
up, another slave dressed in a black latex suit. They look at
each other.
30.


Without saying a word, Persephone ties a chain to the slave
collar she is wearing. They don’t speak. Persephone pulls
Irene and they leave the room.


38 INT. COTTAGE/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT.

PERSEPHONE and IRENE enter a large room also illuminated with
candles. Music that is difficult to identify is heard in the
background: instrumental sounds, moans, screams, gasps (it is
a recording in loop mood). AMODARK waits for them sitting on
a wooden chair. He is dressed in dark clothing and a mask
over his eyes.

AMODARK
You, stay in the cage until I tell
you to.

Persephone immediately obeys and goes into a cage under a
torture rack.

Irene is standing in the middle of the room with the dog
leash hanging around her neck. She is scared and waits for
AmoDark to guide her. He gets up and approaches her. Without
touching her, he grabs the leash and pulls it violently,
dragging Irene to a wall with several nailed supports and
hanging chains. He hooks the leash on one of those supports.

AmoDark feels her, as if she were an item and he was
examining the quality of the material. Irene lets herself be
done.

Without releasing Irene from the chain, AmoDark presses on
her shoulders to make her kneel, which makes the chain a
little tighter. He ties her hands behind her back and then
wraps the rope around her ankles, completely immobilizing
her. In that position, he continues touching her entire body
and placing the Japanese clamps on her nipples.

Then, he lays her face down so that her legs can be raised
and separated by the restraints that connect her wrists and
ankles, leaving room for penetration. The chain of her collar
then becomes tighter and she pulls on the leash, putting
slight pressure on Irene's neck, but everything seems
calculated to not suffocate her.
31.


AmoDark begins to shake her with the rattan stick on her
buttocks and the back of her thighs, one of which is tattooed
with a waning moon crossed by an upside-down rose.

AmoDark sodomizes her. Irene suffers and enjoys, cries and
moans, resists but remains submissive. She has several
tearful orgasms; it’s evident that she is exhausted; her
muscles are no longer responding to her; she is completely at
the mercy of AmoDark and his own pleasure.

Then, a stranger enters the room. This is JOTA(50) a man with
a hard face and a worked out body. He looks at the spectacle
with a challenging gesture. Irene notices his presence and
looks at his face. Then Jota approaches and pushes aside
AmoDark, who makes way for him and heads to the cage where
Persephone is. Jota stands in front of Irene and grabs her by
the ponytail.

JOTA
What are you staring at, bitch?

Jota notices the tattoo that Irene has on her right thigh. He
takes the ball gag and places it on Irene.

JOTA (CONT’D)
I met a bitch who had an identical
tattoo. Her name was Luna. Did you
know each other?

From her position, Irene gestures that she does not know who
he is referring to. Her level of excitement seems have turned
into pure fear.

JOTA (CONT’D)
Really? Well, you guys look a lot
alike. You are just as shit as she
was.

Jota begins to tighten the chain so that Irene begins to
suffocate.

JOTA (CONT’D)
I enjoyed that bitch. Too bad she
didn't have stamina. Do you have
more resistance or will I finish
you off easily too?

AmoDark looks towards Jota and Irene.
32.


AMODARK
Hey! You're going to suffocate her!

Jota releases the chain and kicks Irene in the ribs. He gets
close to her ear and whispers.

JOTA
I finished off your little friend
and I’ll do the same to you.

AmoDark comes closer to Jota and puts a hand on his shoulder.

AMODARK
Hey! Don't overdo. We have come to
have fun, not to kill anyone.

Jota, without stopping to look at Irene, shakes off the hand
from his shoulder and smiles contemptuously.

JOTA
These bitches need to get a good
education. And that's what I'm
doing now.

Irene, with the ball gag on her face, cannot speak clearly.
She tries to make herself understood, until Jota bends down
and rips off her gag.

IRENE
Red!

JOTA
(laughing but confused)
Red?

AMODARK
It's the safe word. Stop it.

JOTA
No way. She belongs to me.

Irene screams and Jota slaps her and hits her with a brass
knuckle, leaving her stunned. AmoDark intervenes to defend
her and gets into a fight with Jota.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Erotic"]

Summary Irene follows GPS coordinates to a secluded cottage where she is involved in a disturbing BDSM encounter orchestrated by AmoDark and Jota. The scene includes physical and emotional abuse towards Irene, leading to a conflict when Jota becomes overly aggressive. AmoDark intervenes to protect Irene, ending with a physical altercation between AmoDark and Jota as Irene is left stunned and vulnerable.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Effective exploration of dark themes
  • Compelling character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Graphic content may be disturbing for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, effectively conveying the intense and disturbing nature of the interactions between the characters. It keeps the audience on edge and leaves a lasting impression.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring the dark world of sadomasochism and power dynamics is executed with depth and intensity, creating a compelling and immersive experience for the audience.

Plot: 8

The plot unfolds in a suspenseful and gripping manner, drawing the audience into the dark and intense world of the characters. It effectively sets up conflict and tension, driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene explores taboo themes of BDSM and power dynamics in a graphic and unflinching manner, offering a fresh perspective on the complexities of human desire and control. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and provocative, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions are intense and impactful. Their dynamics and emotions add depth to the scene, making it engaging and memorable.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional and psychological changes in the scene, particularly Irene who experiences fear, submission, and vulnerability. These changes add depth to the character arcs and drive the narrative forward.

Internal Goal: 8

Irene's internal goal in this scene is to navigate a dangerous and potentially life-threatening situation while maintaining her composure and survival instincts. This reflects her need for control and self-preservation.

External Goal: 7

Irene's external goal is to follow the instructions given to her in the note and await further guidance from AmoDark. This reflects her immediate challenge of submitting to the dominant figures in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with intense and disturbing interactions between the characters. The power dynamics and tension drive the conflict forward, keeping the audience engaged.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Jota posing a significant threat to Irene's safety and autonomy, creating a sense of danger and conflict.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing intense and disturbing situations that have significant consequences. The power dynamics and control add to the high stakes, keeping the audience engaged.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by delving into the dark world of sadomasochism and power dynamics. It sets up new conflicts and tensions that will impact the narrative progression.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden arrival of Jota and the escalating conflict between the characters, adding a sense of danger and uncertainty.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of power, control, and consent. Irene is forced into a situation where her autonomy is stripped away, challenging her beliefs about agency and boundaries.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, tension, and discomfort in the audience. The intense and disturbing interactions between the characters leave a lasting impression.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and serves to heighten the tension and conflict in the scene. It effectively conveys the power dynamics and emotions of the characters, adding depth to their interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and provocative content, which keeps the audience on edge and invested in Irene's fate.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense leading to a climactic confrontation between the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is formatted in a standard screenplay format, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear progression from Irene's arrival at the cottage to her interaction with AmoDark and Jota, building tension and suspense effectively.


Critique
  • The scene is very detailed and graphic, which may be too much for some audiences. It's important to consider the rating and target audience of the screenplay when including explicit content.
  • The scene is very long and could be broken up into smaller, more manageable sections. This would make it easier for the reader to follow and would create more tension and suspense.
  • The characters in the scene don't have much dialogue, which makes it difficult to get to know them and understand their motivations. Adding more dialogue and character development would make the scene more engaging and impactful.
  • The scene is very dark and lacks visual variety. Adding more lighting and visual interest would make the scene more engaging and memorable.
Suggestions
  • Consider toning down the explicit content or including a warning for sensitive readers.
  • Break the scene up into smaller sections to create more tension and suspense.
  • Add more dialogue and character development to make the scene more engaging and impactful.
  • Add more lighting and visual interest to make the scene more engaging and memorable.



Scene 11 -  The Ritual House
39 INT. POLICE STATION/OFFICE - DAY.

MARTA's desk calendar says it's Monday.
33.


Marta takes her cell phone, scrolls through the contact list
for Irene's number and calls. She waits, but no one answers
on the other side. Marta takes her cell phone away from her
ear and looks at the screen. Multiple calls failed are listed
in the call history.

Marta opens the WhatsApp app and Irene's chat appears. Marta
scrolls through the screen where the messages read: "BABY,
HOW DID IT GO?" at 1:00 p.m. "IRENE, YOU'RE MADE VICIOUS" at
7:00 p.m. "HEY, SLUT, ANSWER!" at 00.30. "IRENE, PLEASE, I'M
STARTING TO BE HYSTERICAL" at 07.30. All messages appear as
unread.

Marta gets up and goes to her boss's office.


40 INT. POLICE STATION/ISIDRO'S OFFICE - DAY.

ISIDRO (54) is sitting at his table typing something on the
computer. They knock on the door and Isidro interrupts the
task.

ISIDRO
Come in.

MARTA opens and remains in the doorway.

MARTA
I come to ask your permission to
leave. I feel bad. I think I have a
little fever.

ISIDRO
(scrutinizing her face)
Oh. I see. You have bad face. Go
home.

Marta turns to leave. Isidro calls her.

ISIDRO (CONT’D)
Go through the Health Service
first. Get you checked.

MARTA
Thank you! I will.
34.


41 EXT-INT. MARTA'S STREET/CAR - DAY.

MARTA walks down the street until she reaches her car, parked
near the police station. She gets on it and takes out her
mobile phone from her bag. She looks for the location that
Irene gave her and turns on the GPS. She starts the car.


42 EXT. ROAD - DAY.

MARTA car travels on a main road and takes a detour.


43 INT. CAR - DAY.

MARTA’s car is traveling on a secondary road and, at one
point, the GPS indicates that the car should turn right in a
few meters. Marta slows down and tries to figure out where
the exit is, but she doesn't find any sign. There is only
something that looks like a country road, a path that is
barely visible. She turns right and drives down that road,
where she has to go very slowly because it is full of
potholes and the damping of her car is terrible. After a
couple of kilometers, at the end of the path, a house is
finally seen. She parks at a safe distance and, before
getting out of her car, she checks her service weapon and
puts it in the waistband of her pants.


44 EXT. COTTAGE - DAY.

MARTA gets out of her car and walks to the house. There is
not a soul around. She surrounds the house, but finds no
parked cars or any traces that indicate human presence. All
the windows are closed and the blinds drawn; so, she cannot
look inside the house. She finishes walking around it until
she reaches the front door again and knocks on the door.
Nobody answers. She checks that the door is closed. Next, she
takes out of her pocket a set of wires with which to open the
lock. She opens the door after fiddling with it for a while.


45 INT. COTTAGE/HALL/LIVING ROOM/BEDROOM - DAY.

MARTA enters the house. Inside it's all dark. She turns on
the flashlight on her cell phone and pulls out the gun from
her waist. She crosses the hall and the living room. On the
floor, she sees traces of wax, burnt candles, but no sign of
anyone.
35.


When she reaches the back room, with the door closed, she
slowly opens it and shines the flashlight inside. On the wall
there are rings, chains and, on the floor, there is a cage
and some stuff used to provide an atmosphere for this type of
activities.

In the center of the room, she contemplates, horrified, the
corpse of AMODARK, who has been violently murdered in the
middle of a scenario that seems completely unreal to Marta,
like something out of a movie.

At the crime scene, everything seems to have been expressly
prepared to show the staging of a macabre ritual. The
position of the body, for example, is totally unnatural and
has been placed in a posture with a sexual connotation. There
is BDSM decoration that seems to have been arranged in a
certain way to reinforce the image of a symmetrical
composition, with a pre-established order. The center of that
horrifying composition is the corpse of AmoDark, brutally
wounded with bumps and bruises that run all over his body.

MARTA
Irene! Somebody home?

With accelerated movements, Marta goes through the rest of
the rooms of the house, opening the doors abruptly, entering
the rooms with the gun in front of her, aiming first at the
blind corners and calling out Irene’s name continuously. But
she doesn't find any trace in the house. Not a soul, nothing.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Police officer Marta, deeply worried after receiving increasingly frantic messages from her friend Irene, rushes to an address Irene provided. Following the GPS to a secluded country house, Marta finds the place abandoned but discovers evidence of a macabre ritual and the murdered body of AmoDark. Despite searching the house thoroughly, Marta finds no sign of Irene, leaving her fate unknown and the audience on edge.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Suspenseful buildup
  • Shocking revelation
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue
  • Lack of interaction with other characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, gripping, and effectively conveys a sense of fear and mystery. The discovery of the murder scene adds a significant twist to the plot, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of Marta stumbling upon a macabre murder scene in a secluded cottage is unique and adds a new layer of complexity to the storyline. It introduces a major turning point in the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot takes a dark and unexpected turn with the discovery of the murder scene, adding depth and intrigue to the overall story. It propels the narrative forward and raises the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh and chilling scenario with the discovery of the disturbing crime scene in the cottage. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Marta's character is further developed as she navigates the unsettling discovery, showcasing her determination and courage. The absence of other characters in the scene allows Marta to shine.

Character Changes: 7

Marta undergoes a significant change as she confronts the horrifying murder scene, showcasing her resilience and determination in the face of danger. The experience shapes her character and sets the stage for further development.

Internal Goal: 9

Marta's internal goal in this scene is to find Irene and uncover the truth behind the disturbing crime scene she discovers in the cottage. This reflects her desire for justice and her need to protect those she cares about.

External Goal: 8

Marta's external goal is to investigate the crime scene and find any clues that may lead her to Irene. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in solving the mystery and potentially saving Irene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, as Marta is faced with a gruesome murder scene and the mystery of what happened. The tension is palpable, keeping the audience on edge and eager to unravel the truth.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Marta facing the challenge of solving a complex mystery and potentially saving Irene. The audience is kept in suspense, unsure of how Marta will overcome the obstacles in her path.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as Marta discovers a brutal murder scene and is faced with the mystery of what transpired. The danger and suspense are heightened, adding urgency and tension to the storyline.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major plot twist and raising the stakes for the characters. It sets the stage for new developments and challenges, driving the narrative towards a climactic resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected discovery of the crime scene in the cottage and the mysterious disappearance of Irene. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of justice, morality, and the darkness that can exist within human nature. Marta is confronted with the brutal reality of the crime scene, challenging her beliefs about good and evil.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, eliciting fear, shock, and intrigue. Marta's reaction to the discovery adds depth to her character and engages the viewers on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal but serves its purpose in conveying Marta's shock and fear. The lack of dialogue from other characters enhances the sense of isolation and suspense in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, compelling mystery, and the sense of urgency in Marta's actions. The audience is drawn into the unfolding drama and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, building tension and suspense as Marta investigates the crime scene and uncovers disturbing clues. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, moving seamlessly from the police station to the street and finally to the cottage. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene starts a bit slow. The opening with Marta calling Irene and checking her messages feels like exposition, and we've already established she's worried about her friend. It could be more impactful if we saw Marta's reaction to the messages, perhaps showing her increasingly frantic state.
  • The dialogue between Marta and Isidro feels unnatural and lacks tension. It reads like a basic exchange of information rather than a character moment. Isidro's line 'You have bad face' feels clunky and doesn't fit the tone of the scene.
  • The scene with Marta driving to the cottage is overly descriptive and doesn't move the story forward. We understand she's going to the location, but we don't need every detail of her journey. The focus should be on building suspense and anticipation for what she'll find.
  • The description of the cottage exterior is also quite detailed, but again, it doesn't contribute much to the story. The emphasis should be on Marta's reactions and what she discovers inside.
  • The scene's climax, the discovery of AmoDark's body, is strong and visually impactful. However, the description feels overly technical and detached. We should feel Marta's shock and horror more viscerally. Instead of describing the scene objectively, focus on her emotional response.
  • The scene's ending feels abrupt. Marta's frantic search for Irene is cut short with no resolution. This leaves the reader hanging and doesn't provide a satisfying closure.
  • The writing style in this scene feels more like a factual report than a screenplay. There's a lack of active voice and vivid imagery. We need to see and feel the scene through Marta's eyes, not just be told what's happening.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with Marta already frantic, perhaps showing her pacing, muttering to herself, or reacting with growing fear to Irene's messages.
  • Cut the dialogue with Isidro. Instead, show Marta's desperate need to leave and her growing anxiety as she waits for Isidro's permission. Focus on her body language and facial expressions to convey her emotions.
  • Condense the driving scene. Instead of detailing the journey, focus on Marta's thoughts and feelings as she drives to the location. Build suspense by showing her growing dread and uncertainty.
  • Use sensory details to create a more vivid and immersive experience for the reader. Instead of just describing the cottage's exterior, show us what Marta sees, hears, and feels as she approaches the house.
  • Focus on Marta's emotional response to the crime scene. Instead of describing the details objectively, show her reaction to AmoDark's body. Use her internal monologue or actions to convey her shock, horror, and fear.
  • End the scene with a strong and impactful image that leaves the reader wanting more. Perhaps Marta discovers a clue about Irene's whereabouts, or she sees something that confirms her worst fears. Leave a question unanswered to keep the reader engaged.



Scene 12 -  A Ritual of Death
46 EXT. COTTAGE - DAY.

MARTA leaves the house, breathing anxiously. She stops next
to a tree and rests her hands on it. She hits the tree with
her palms.

MARTA
Shit. Shit. Shit!

When she regains some peace of mind, she takes out her cell
phone and finds out that there is little coverage. She walks
until she finds a point where the signal is better and rings
the extension of her partner JOAQUÍN. She waits and, after
two or three rings, he finally answers.
36.


MARTA (CONT’D)
Joaquín, this is Marta. I got a
problem.

JOAQUÍN
Where are you calling me from?
You’re breaking up.

MARTA
(stammeringly)
Listen. I’m calling because of my
friend Irene. She is not here. And
there's a dead guy. Murdered.

JOAQUÍN
What the fuck are you talking
about?

MARTA
I'm going to send you my location,
okay? Call the judge and the
forensic team.

JOAQUÍN
But what...?

MARTA
I will explain it to you later.
I'll wait here.

Joaquín mutters under his breath. Marta hangs up on him.


47 INT-EXT. MARTA'S CAR/COTTAGE - DAY.

MARTA is sitting in her car, smoking a cigarette. She hears
the engine of approaching vehicles and crushes the cigarette
against the car's ashtray, which is full. She gets out of the
vehicle.

Police vehicles arrive at the scene. AGENT1 (44) and JOAQUÍN
come out of one of the cars. Marta approaches them. The JUDGE
(55) comes out of the other car accompanied by a FORENSIC
EXECUTIVE (58).

MARTA
(showing the badge)
Good morning.
37.


AGENT1
What happened here?

MARTA
Inside the house. There is a man
murdered.

AGENT1
Can I ask what you were doing here?

MARTA
Of course. But it's a long and
complicated story.

AGENT1
(producing a notebook)
No hurry.


48 INT. COTTAGE - DAY.

The JUDGE and the CORONER put on gloves and enter the house
preceded by AGENT2 (54) and AGENT3 (38) who thoroughly
examine the scene in search of evidence. Agent3 photographs
details of the rooms, the burned-out candles, ropes, chains,
rings, a cage and a gynecologist's chair that seem to be part
of a macabre decoration. Agent 2 leaves a room and gestures
to the judge and the coroner to come closer.

AGENT2
Here it is.

The judge and the coroner come closer. Upon seeing the body,
the judge makes a face of displeasure.

JUDGE
Good Lord!

The coroner leans over the body and begins to examine it,
trying not to touch too much.

FORENSIC
I'd say he's been dead for 48
hours.

JUDGE
It seems that there was cruelty.
38.


FORENSIC
Yes, indeed! Some of the injuries
could have been caused postmortem.
And probably, that dildo was
introduced after placing the body
in this position, when he was
already dead.

JUDGE
Like the murderer's signature.

FORENSIC
Maybe.

JUDGE
And what is all this? A kind of
sadomasochistic ritual?

AGENT2
I guess that's what whoever set
this stage up wanted it to look
like.

JUDGE
What do you mean?

AGENT2
All the objects here suggest that
there was such a meeting. But the
clothes the victim was wearing
indicate that he was a master.

JUDGE
Perhaps a planned revenge? An angry
slave?

AGENT2
Maybe. Or even another master who
entered into competition with him.

FORENSIC
In any case, they gave the guy a
good defeat. Judge, when you give
the order, the body must be taken
to the morgue to perform an
autopsy.
39.


JUDGE
Have they taken pictures of
everything yet?

AGENT2
Yes

JUDGE
Let's go out, then. We have to take
this poor unfortunate.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Marta discovers a dead man in Irene's house and calls her partner Joaquin to report the murder. The police, judge, and forensic team arrive and begin to examine the scene. They discover evidence suggesting a possible sadomasochistic ritual, leading them to speculate about the nature of the crime and the victim's identity. The forensic team determines that the victim had been dead for 48 hours and had suffered injuries that may have been inflicted postmortem. The scene ends with the judge ordering the body to be taken to the morgue for an autopsy.
Strengths
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Intriguing mystery
  • Detailed crime scene description
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth in dialogue
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, gripping the audience with its intense and suspenseful atmosphere, as well as the shocking revelation of the murder.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a murder scene with sadomasochistic elements is unique and adds a layer of complexity to the overall plot.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the discovery of the murder, adding a new layer of mystery and intrigue to the storyline.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime genre, with elements of sadomasochism and power dynamics adding a unique twist to the investigation. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters play a crucial role in unraveling the mystery and adding depth to the scene, but the focus is more on the investigation and discovery of the murder.

Character Changes: 6

While there is no significant character development in this scene, the discovery of the murder may lead to future changes in the characters' dynamics and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

Marta's internal goal is to deal with the shock and anxiety of discovering a murder and to seek help from her partner. This reflects her need for support and her fear of the dangerous situation she is in.

External Goal: 9

Marta's external goal is to inform the authorities about the murder and ensure that the proper investigative procedures are followed. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in dealing with a crime scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters and the mystery of the murder create a tense and suspenseful atmosphere, driving the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting theories about the murder and the motives behind it. The characters face obstacles in understanding the crime, adding complexity to the investigation.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of a murder investigation and the dark secrets surrounding the crime add tension and urgency to the scene, raising the stakes for the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a major plot point and raising the stakes for the characters involved.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and revelations in the investigation of the crime scene. The motives and actions of the characters keep the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of power, control, and violence. The characters discuss the possible motives behind the murder and the symbolism of the sadomasochistic elements found at the scene. This challenges Marta's beliefs about human nature and the depths of depravity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of shock and intrigue, but the emotional impact is more focused on the suspense and mystery rather than deep emotional connections.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is informative and serves the purpose of moving the investigation forward, but it lacks emotional depth or character development.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, complex characters, and intriguing plot developments. The dialogue and actions of the characters keep the audience on edge, wanting to know more.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and investigative dialogue. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and maintains a sense of urgency.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions of the crime scene are vivid and detailed.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime investigation genre, with a clear progression from discovery to investigation to analysis of the crime scene. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Marta's emotional response to finding the dead body, but the pacing feels rushed. It would be more effective to linger on her emotional state for a moment, letting the audience understand her fear and shock before she takes action.
  • The dialogue between Marta and Joaquín feels a bit stiff. The writing is too expository and lacks natural conversational flow. Try to incorporate more casual language and dialogue tags to make it sound more realistic.
  • The scene transitions into the arrival of the police and the judge rather abruptly. A smoother transition would enhance the flow of the narrative.
  • The description of the crime scene is detailed and informative, but the dialogue between the characters feels a bit clunky. The scene lacks a bit of tension and suspense, which could be increased by focusing more on the characters' reactions to the grisly discovery.
  • The back-and-forth between the judge and the forensic executive feels a little too much like a lecture, with lots of exposition about the case. While it's important to establish details, it could be more engaging to focus on the reactions of the characters present rather than just stating facts.
  • The ending of the scene feels a bit abrupt. It would be more impactful to linger on Marta's reaction to the judge's comments and her overall state of mind as she leaves the cottage.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with Marta's emotional response to finding the body, but take more time to show her shock and fear before she calls Joaquín. Let the audience experience her emotions more fully.
  • Rework the dialogue between Marta and Joaquín, making it more natural and less expository. Consider using more dialogue tags to show the emotion behind their words, and explore their relationship dynamics better.
  • Create a smoother transition between the discovery of the body and the arrival of the police. Perhaps show Marta waiting anxiously for their arrival, or depict a reaction from the police as they arrive at the scene.
  • Add more tension and suspense to the scene by focusing on the characters' reactions to the crime scene. Show their expressions of shock, disgust, and curiosity, rather than just stating the facts.
  • Refine the dialogue between the judge and the forensic executive, making it less expository and more focused on their individual reactions to the scene. Use their actions and expressions to convey information and build tension.
  • End the scene with a more powerful image or a lingering shot of Marta as she leaves the cottage, allowing the audience to reflect on her emotional state and the gravity of the situation.



Scene 13 -  The Animal Hair
49 EXT. COTTAGE - DAY.

MARTA is finishing giving a statement to AGENT1, who closes
his notebook and puts it back in his pocket.

AGENT1
Alright. That's all for now.

MARTA
Thanks.

Agent1 greets her and leaves. Then JOAQUÍN approaches her.

JOAQUÍN
What a mess! Why didn't you tell me
anything before you acted on your
own?

MARTA
(shrugging her shoulders)
I guess I didn't expect to find any
of this.

JOAQUÍN
This doesn't stop here. And you are
going to have problems. You entered
that house without authorization.

MARTA
That doesn't matter now. Have you
found any clues that lead to Irene?

JOAQUÍN
No, I haven’t. I heard that they
want to search the ground in case
they find... They are going to
bring the dogs.
40.


MARTA
The dogs?

JOAQUÍN
Listen, you know how this works.
Everything possible will be done to
find Irene, you know that.

In the meantime, you should go home.

MARTA
I won't leave until I know
something more.

JOAQUÍN
There's nothing left you can do
here. They are going to take the
body and seal the house. Listen to
me: go home and try to rest.

MARTA
I'll leave when the others leave.

Joaquín frowns and grunts. He turns around and leaves Marta
alone. She is searching through her purse looking for
tobacco. The package is empty, and she crumples it into a
ball in her fist.


50 EXT. COTTAGE/BACK - DAY.

AGENT1 and AGENT2 look for tire marks around the house. They
take photographs of any details that catch their attention
and place marks. MARTA approaches them. It is evident that
Marta's presence causes them some discomfort.

AGENT1
In this part of the terrain that is
sandier there seem to be two tire
marks.

MARTA
One of them has to be from Irene's
car. The other is probably from the
victim's vehicle.

AGENT2
If so, someone took it.
41.


MARTA
This indicates that there was
someone else in the house.

AGENT1
Someone else?

MARTA
In addition to the victim and my
friend Irene. A third person who
took the car, maybe the killer.

AGENT2
But if there was a third person,
she or he would come in his or her
own car. This doesn't check out.
Why would anyone want to take the
victim's car?

MARTA
Maybe he/she came back for it
later, to hide it.

AGENT1
I see. And for what purpose?

Marta sighs with a worried expression.

AGENT2
Listen. I know what you're up to.
You don't want your friend to seem
suspicious. But what we know, for
now, is that she was here. Or
that's what she told you, right?

Martha nods affirmatively. She turns around and walks to her
car. She leaves the scene.


51 INT. MARTA'S APARTMENT/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT.

RODNEY is sitting on the couch. He is asleep, head tilted. He
has his cell phone on his legs. The street door is heard.
Hearing the sound, Rodney wakes up, checks the time on his
cell phone and gets up. MARTA enters the living room. She
seems dejected.
42.


RODNEY
Where were you? Why haven't you
answered my calls?

MARTA
I have been busy. I'm sorry.

RODNEY
And may I know what you've been
doing so important?

MARTA
I come from a crime scene. In the
house where Irene was.

RODNEY
But then, is she...?

MARTA
I don’t know. There’s no trace of
her. She doesn't answer her cell
phone either. It's like she has
vanished.

Rodney reaches out to hug Marta. She collapses only
momentarily and begins to cry on his shoulder; but then she
fights back the tears and abruptly separates from Rodney.

MARTA (CONT’D)
Leave me alone, please.

Rodney looks at her ruefully and leaves without saying
anything. When Marta checks that she is alone, she falls on
the couch and cries silently.

FADE TO BLACK


52 INT. MORGUE - DAY.

MARTA attends the autopsy of the body where the CORONER
provides data for her ASSISTANT (35) to write down in a
notepad.

CORONER
The death occurred more than 48
hours ago, possibly on Saturday
morning.
(MORE)
43.

CORONER (CONT’D)
Probable cause of death: lethal
injury from a blow to the base of
the skull. There are also signs of
cruelty caused by the action of a
blunt object that has caused bone
fractures and trauma, some of them
post-mortem, throughout the body.

MARTA
Did they hit him with the same
object?

CORONER
I would think so, according to the
size of the bruises.

MARTA
Any signs of sexual activity?

CORONER
We have not found semen on his body
or at the crime scene. But we did
find some remains of hair stuck to
his clothes.

MARTA
I see. What color?

CORONER
I know it will seem strange. But
the hair seems to be of animal
origin. Maybe he had a pet.

Marta is silent and her face breaks down.

CORONER (CONT’D)
What’s wrong?

MARTA
My friend Irene had a dog; I mean,
she has a dog.

The coroner and the Assistant stare at Marta, without saying
anything. Marta leaves the morgue.
44.
Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Marta returns to the cottage where Irene disappeared and finds agents investigating the scene. She believes someone else was involved but they are skeptical. Later, Marta attends the victim's autopsy where the coroner reveals the cause of death and mentions animal hair found on the clothing. This shocks Marta because Irene owned a dog, further fueling her suspicions of foul play.
Strengths
  • Engaging mystery
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Realistic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Pacing in certain parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue, keeping the audience engaged with the unfolding mystery. The emotional depth of the characters adds layers to the narrative, making it compelling and thought-provoking.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of investigating a crime scene and dealing with the disappearance of a friend is well-executed. The scene effectively sets up the central conflict and introduces key plot points that drive the story forward.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and well-developed, with a focus on unraveling the mystery of Irene's disappearance. The scene moves the story forward by introducing new clues and raising questions that keep the audience invested.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime investigation genre by focusing on personal relationships and internal conflicts within the protagonist. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are complex and relatable, each dealing with their own emotions and motivations. Their interactions and reactions add depth to the scene, making it more dynamic and engaging.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo emotional changes and growth throughout the scene, particularly Marta who grapples with guilt, worry, and determination. These changes add complexity to the characters and drive the narrative forward.

Internal Goal: 8

Marta's internal goal is to find her missing friend, Irene, and uncover the truth behind the crime scene she visited. This reflects her deeper need for closure, her fear of losing a loved one, and her desire for justice.

External Goal: 7

Marta's external goal is to gather clues and information related to Irene's disappearance and the crime scene. This reflects the immediate challenge she's facing in trying to solve a mystery and potentially clear her friend's name.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both internal and external. The characters are faced with challenging situations and conflicting emotions, adding depth to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and challenges faced by the protagonist in her search for answers.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters race against time to find Irene and unravel the mystery of the crime. The emotional and personal consequences add weight to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new clues, raising questions, and deepening the mystery surrounding Irene's disappearance. It sets up future developments and keeps the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting dynamics between characters, unexpected revelations, and the mystery surrounding Irene's disappearance.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around trust, truth, and loyalty. Marta's actions and beliefs are being questioned by the law enforcement agents, leading to a clash of values and perspectives on the investigation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly feelings of worry, sadness, and confusion. The characters' struggles and the mystery surrounding Irene's disappearance create a powerful emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and serves to reveal the characters' thoughts and feelings. It effectively conveys the tension and emotions of the scene, enhancing the overall impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of mystery, personal drama, and emotional intensity. The interactions between characters and the unfolding mystery keep the audience invested.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, revealing information gradually, and maintaining the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the standard screenplay format, making it easy to follow and visualize the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime investigation narrative, with a clear progression of events and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene starts off strong with the tension between Marta and Joaquin, highlighting her determination and his frustration with her methods. However, the dialogue feels repetitive and lacks the punch needed to drive the narrative forward.
  • The conflict between Marta and the agents regarding the third person in the house is introduced but not fully explored. The agents' skepticism feels superficial and doesn't add much to the story. The scene could benefit from a deeper dive into their motivations and how their skepticism affects Marta.
  • Marta's emotional state is not fully conveyed through dialogue or action. While we know she's concerned for Irene, her frustration and fear are not as prominent as they could be.
  • The scene's ending feels abrupt and doesn't offer a clear resolution. The transition to Marta's apartment and her encounter with Rodney seems jarring and lacks a strong connection to the previous scene.
  • The dialogue in the morgue scene feels technical and lacks emotional weight. Marta's reaction to the discovery of animal hair is surprising, but her emotional breakdown doesn't feel earned due to the lack of buildup in the scene.
Suggestions
  • Instead of repetitive lines like "I won't leave until I know something more," explore Marta's internal conflict through her actions or inner monologue. Show her frustration with the lack of progress, her desperation to find Irene, and her growing suspicion about the third person.
  • Delve deeper into the agents' skepticism. Are they simply following protocol, or are they harboring a secret agenda? Exploring their motivations would create a more compelling conflict and add layers to the scene.
  • Focus on Marta's emotional journey through her body language and facial expressions. Show her worry, frustration, and desperation instead of just stating them through dialogue.
  • Consider creating a more fluid transition between the scene at the cottage and Marta's apartment. Perhaps the scene could end with her leaving the cottage and driving back, offering a glimpse into her inner turmoil.
  • Add more emotional weight to the morgue scene by focusing on Marta's reactions. Show her shock, fear, and growing concern as she realizes the significance of the animal hair. Perhaps she could have a flashback to Irene with her dog, adding a personal touch to the scene.



Scene 14 -  Marta's Determination
53 INT. POLICE STATION/ISIDRO'S OFFICE - DAY.

MARTA goes to ISIDRO's office. She knocks on the door and
passes without waiting for an answer.

ISIDRO
Good morning. I take it that you
are no longer sick.

MARTA
(embarrassed)
I think I owe you an explanation.

ISIDRO
Definitely.

MARTA
I don't know where to start. I'm
stunned.

ISIDRO
I have read your statement. Your
behavior was strange, to say the
least. They could discipline you.

MARTA
I wish I could make up for it,
but... It was about my friend.

ISIDRO
That is not an excuse. Not even a
bad excuse.

MARTA
I'd like to help and participate in
the investigation: I have to find
Irene.

ISIDRO
That's not entirely up to me. Now
the case is being handled by
Homicide. However, I don't think
it's a good idea.

MARTA
I could collaborate. I know Irene's
parents and some of her friends.
(MORE)
45.

MARTA (CONT’D)
It would be easier for me to
interview them.

ISIDRO
I don't know. Let me make some
calls and I'll see what I can do.

MARTA
Thank you. One more thing. Could I
see the victim's file?

Isidro sighs. He takes a dossier from his office table and
hands it to her.

ISIDRO
You can take a look at it, but you
can't take it with you. We were
able to identify him by his
footprints.

Marta takes the dossier with a trembling hand, sits down and
begins to read.

MARTA
There is nothing here.

ISIDRO
He had no criminal record or
complaints for any other reason. In
his file, there are only a couple
of traffic tickets for speeding.
Nothing that provides a significant
clue. Everything looks filthy
clean.

MARTA
That's all?

Isidro nods affirmatively. Marta returns the dossier. She
gets up and heads to the door.

ISIDRO
One more thing. If they finally
give you permission to be part of
the investigation operation, I want
you to inform me of every step you
take. I don't want any more
surprises. Okay?
46.


Marta nods affirmatively, without turning around. She leaves
the office.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Marta visits Isidro at the police station to apologize for her earlier outburst and expresses a strong desire to help with the investigation into Irene's disappearance. Though initially hesitant, Isidro agrees to make some calls and see what he can do. He also provides Marta with the victim's file, which reveals a surprisingly clean record, leaving Marta frustrated with the lack of clues. Despite the challenges, Marta leaves Isidro's office determined to find Irene and contribute to the investigation.
Strengths
  • Establishes central conflict
  • Builds tension and suspense
  • Introduces key characters and themes effectively
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Limited character development in this scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the central conflict and sets up the investigation plotline. It introduces key characters and themes while maintaining a tense and suspenseful tone.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a police officer investigating the disappearance of a friend adds depth and complexity to the storyline. The scene effectively sets up the central mystery and introduces the theme of loyalty and determination.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and sets up the main conflict of the story - finding Irene. It moves the narrative forward by establishing the investigation and introducing key elements of the mystery.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar setting of a police station but adds a fresh perspective by focusing on the personal motivations of the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and interactions adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are introduced in a way that sets up their motivations and relationships. Marta's determination and conflict with her superiors are well portrayed, adding depth to her character.

Character Changes: 6

Marta's determination to be involved in the investigation shows a change in her character as she takes on a more proactive role. This sets up potential growth and development for her character.

Internal Goal: 8

Marta's internal goal is to redeem herself in the eyes of Isidro and prove her worth by offering to help in the investigation. This reflects her desire for validation and acceptance.

External Goal: 7

Marta's external goal is to participate in the investigation to find her missing friend, Irene. This reflects her immediate circumstances and the challenges she is facing in trying to locate her friend.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Marta's desire to investigate and Isidro's reluctance to involve her creates tension and sets up the central conflict of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Isidro representing the obstacle to Marta's goals and creating conflict that drives the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as Marta seeks to find her missing friend and uncover the truth behind the victim's file. The scene sets up a sense of urgency and importance in solving the mystery.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the investigation plotline and setting up key elements of the mystery. It propels the narrative towards finding Irene and uncovering the truth.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between Marta and Isidro, as well as the uncertain outcome of Marta's involvement in the investigation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between following protocol and taking risks to achieve a personal goal. Isidro represents the adherence to rules and regulations, while Marta represents the willingness to go beyond boundaries for a greater cause.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The emotional impact is driven by Marta's determination to find Irene and the mystery surrounding the victim's file. It sets up a sense of urgency and concern for the characters.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is concise and serves to move the plot forward. It effectively conveys the tension and conflict between Marta and her superior, Isidro.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the conflict between the characters, the mystery surrounding the investigation, and the emotional stakes involved.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a gradual reveal of information and character motivations that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to industry standards for screenplay format, making it easy to read and visualize the action.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a dramatic interaction between characters in a police procedural genre, with clear dialogue and action beats.


Critique
  • The scene feels a bit too expository, with too much back-and-forth between Marta and Isidro about the previous scene's events. It slows the momentum of the story down.
  • The dialogue feels stilted and unnatural. The characters speak in a very formal and professional manner, which doesn't feel very realistic for two people who are supposed to be close colleagues.
  • The scene doesn't really progress the plot forward. Marta's request to help with the investigation and her discovery of the lack of information about the victim are both interesting points, but they aren't developed enough in this scene.
  • The fact that the victim's file is blank is a potential plot point that should be explored more fully. It raises questions about the victim's identity and his involvement in the events that led to his death.
  • The scene ends with a somewhat abrupt and anticlimactic note. Marta simply leaves Isidro's office, leaving the audience with no sense of what she plans to do next.
Suggestions
  • Consider cutting some of the dialogue that simply rehashes previous events. Focus on the dialogue that reveals new information or develops the characters.
  • Make the dialogue more natural and conversational. Allow Marta and Isidro to have a bit more of a back-and-forth, with a bit more humor and informality.
  • Develop the plot points that are introduced in this scene. Show Marta's determination to find Irene and explore the significance of the victim's blank file.
  • Consider adding a scene where Marta follows up on the information she learns about the victim. Maybe she tries to track down his family or friends to learn more about his life.
  • Give Marta a more active role in the scene. She's currently very passive, simply receiving information from Isidro. Give her something to do, like examining the victim's file in more detail, or talking to other officers about the case.



Scene 15 -  Interrogation Room Interviews
54 INT. POLICE STATION/INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY.

INTERVIEW ROUND. ALTERNATE SCENES.

INTERVIEW 1:

Two police officers are sitting at the table in the room with
a serious expression: FELIPE (43) and ISABEL (38). In front
of them is GABRIELA (33), a very attractive mulatto woman.
MARTA remains standing behind her companions, with her back
against the wall.

FELIPE
Well, guys. Before we begin, I must
ask you for the utmost discretion.
You shouldn't comment on anything
said here, okay?

Gabriela nods affirmatively, without speaking. It is evident
that she’s restless and worried.

ISABEL
How did you and Raimundo meet?

GABRIELA
(with a dominican accent)
We met five years ago in my country
and I came here with him. We
married. I have everything in
order. I am a Spanish citizen.

FELIPE
Do not worry about that.

INTERVIEW 2:

FELIPE is sitting sideways with his legs crossed and looking
bored while ISABEL reviews a file. The door to the room opens
and LORENZO (50) enters, a man with little hair and
overweight, with a harmless appearance. MARTA enters after
him. Felipe sits tight in his seat. Isabel gestures to
Lorenzo to take a seat and everyone sits down except Marta,
who remains observing without participating in the interview.
47.


FELIPE (CONT’D)
Very good. Thanks for coming. As
you know, we are trying to clarify
the circumstances of Raimundo
Gutiérrez's death. You were friends
of his, right?

LORENZO
Well, not exactly friends... We
were co-workers. Although from time
to time we would meet up to watch
football and have a few beers, you
know.

FELIPE
Got it. And did you also see each
other in other types of meetings?

LORENZO
What do you mean?

INTERVIEW 3:

FELIPE and ISABEL open the door and ask GINÉS (60), a small,
restless-looking man, to come in first. They enter next,
followed by MARTA. Everyone takes a seat, except Marta, who
remains in an observer position.

GINÉS
This won't take long, will it?

ISABEL
Are you in a hurry?

GINÉS
I am indeed. I have to take care of
my business.

FELIPE
Don't worry. We're not going to
take too much of your time. But we
need your cooperation.

GINÉS
That's why I'm here. When can I
enter the house? I need to clean it
of... you know, before I rent it
again.
48.


ISABEL
We can't give you a date; but we
hope it will be as soon as
possible.

INTERVIEW 1:

GABRIELA searches in her purse and takes out a pack of
cigarettes.

ISABEL (CONT’D)
Smoking is not allowed here.

Gabriela makes a disgusted face and puts the cigarettes away
again.

ISABEL (CONT’D)
Did you know about your ex-
husband's love for BDSM?

GABRIELA
What's that?

ISABEL and FELIPE exchange a look.

ISABEL
Did your ex-husband use to have
different sexual practices with
you?

Gabriela makes a face of perplexity.

FELIPE
My partner is asking if he ever
tied you up or hit you during sex.

GABRIELA
(laughing)
Raymond? Tie me? Oh my God!

Gabriela laughs out loud without being able to contain
herself. Isabel and Felipe try to keep their poker faces even
though the situation makes them uncomfortable.

INTERVIEW 2:

LORENZO scratches his bald head with a meditative gesture.
49.


LORENZO
Now that he says it, Raimundo
actually sometimes held meetings in
a cottage.

FELIPE
What type of meetings?

LORENZO
Hmm, friends meetings.

ISABEL
What did they used to do there?

LORENZO
Normal things. I mean, there were
drinks. Raimundo brought out a
barbecue and... Oh, no! I know what
you are imagining.

FELIPE
I don't know. You tell me.

LORENZO
(uncomfortable)
Well... women. Raimundo wasn't that
kind of person.

FELIPE
What was he like? Describe him.

LORENZO
A normal guy. Sociable, although he
didn't talk much. He was a nice
person, although a bit...

ISABEL
What?

LORENZO
I don't know how to say it. He
wasn't the life of the party. I
don't know if you understand what I
mean.

INTERVIEW 3:

GINÉS crosses his arms and stares at his interviewers.
50.


GINÉS
He was a good client. He always
paid on time and he like that
house; and thanks to him I had it
rented for a good season.

FELIPE
Were you aware of the use he gave
to your house?

GINÉS
Of course I wasn’t! I wouldn't have
allowed that kind of...!

ISABEL
But when he left the house, a
cleaning service would come in,
right? You never noticed anything?
You were not told if any unusual
object had been found?

GINÉS
Absolutely. In fact, the guy left
everything quite organized.

INTERVIEW 1:

GABRIELA tries to contain her laughter and compose her
serious expression.

GABRIELA
Sorry! Just imagining my Raimundo
doing that...

Gabriela laughs again. ISABEL clears her throat.

ISABEL
Describe your ex-husband. What was
he like?

GABRIELA
He was a good person, but boring,
and not very active. You know what
I mean.
51.


ISABEL
Was there ever anything in your
relationship that indicated he
liked sadomasochistic stuff?

GABRIELA
I wish! If I had known, I would
have given him a chance and maybe
we would have stayed together.

ISABEL
After separating. Do you know if he
met anyone else?

GABRIELA
He never talked to me about that.
But I don’t think so. Those things
are noticeable.

FELIPE
How do you notice these things?

GABRIELA
(smiling)
When a man has somebody else, it
shows on his face.

FELIPE
Alright. I think that's all. Thank
you so much.

INTERVIEW 3:

FELIPE takes notes in a notebook. GINÉS shifts restlessly in
his seat.

GINÉS
We're done? Before I go... I beg
you not to involve the name of my
company in this matter. It would
discredit my business. Do you
understand?

FELIPE
(without looking up)
You’re free to go. Have a good day.

Ginés gets up and leaves.
52.
Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary The scene takes place in a police station interrogation room where three different interviews are conducted with individuals connected to Raimundo Gutiérrez's death. Felipe and Isabel, the police officers, question Gabriela, Lorenzo, and Ginés, revealing varying perspectives on Raimundo's character and activities. Conflicts arise but are resolved through questioning and clarification. The tone is tense and investigative, with moments of discomfort and humor. The scene ends with Ginés leaving after expressing concern about his company's reputation.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing character dynamics
  • Mystery and tension building
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of discomfort may be off-putting for some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through the various interviews, revealing important information while maintaining a sense of mystery and suspense. The dialogue is engaging and helps to develop the characters and plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of conducting multiple interviews in an interrogation room to gather information about a character's death is well-executed. It adds depth to the investigation and allows for different perspectives to be explored.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as new information is revealed through the interviews, adding complexity to the investigation and raising questions about the characters involved. The scene contributes to the overall mystery and drama of the story.

Originality: 8

The scene demonstrates a level of originality through its nuanced portrayal of police interrogation procedures and the psychological nuances of the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and the complexity of the relationships add depth to the familiar setting.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters in the scene provide valuable insights and perspectives related to the investigation, showcasing their relationships and potential motives. Each character has a distinct personality that adds depth to the storyline.

Character Changes: 6

Some characters show subtle changes in their demeanor and reactions as new information is revealed during the interviews. These changes hint at underlying motives and relationships, adding complexity to the character dynamics.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to gather information and uncover the truth behind Raimundo Gutiérrez's death. This reflects their desire for justice and closure, as well as their commitment to their duty as law enforcement officers.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to conduct successful interviews with the suspects and witnesses to gather evidence and solve the case. This reflects their immediate challenge of navigating the complexities of the investigation and obtaining crucial information.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters navigate their relationships and potential involvement in the investigation. Tension arises from the different perspectives and motives revealed during the interviews.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing challenges in obtaining information from the suspects and witnesses. The audience is kept guessing about the true motives and secrets of the characters.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as the characters navigate the investigation of a character's death, with potential consequences for their relationships and reputations. The scene raises questions about motives and secrets, adding tension and intrigue to the storyline.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by providing crucial information and insights into the investigation of the character's death. It raises new questions and adds layers to the mystery, driving the narrative towards resolution.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelations and twists in the characters' responses. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the interviews will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in the scene between the characters' moral values and the truth they are seeking. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about justice, honesty, and integrity in the face of deception and uncertainty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from tension and discomfort to amusement and intrigue. The characters' reactions and interactions add depth to the emotional impact of the investigation and the unfolding mystery.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is engaging and realistic, capturing the tension and dynamics between the characters during the interviews. It effectively conveys information while revealing character traits and motivations.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the suspenseful atmosphere, the dynamic character interactions, and the gradual reveal of information. The audience is drawn into the investigation and invested in uncovering the truth.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and pauses that keep the audience engaged. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The visual elements are well-defined, enhancing the reader's understanding of the setting and characters.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between the interviews and a focus on character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene feels repetitive and lacks dramatic tension. The three interviews all follow a similar format, with the officers asking about Raimundo's character and his activities at the cottage. This makes the scene feel like a checklist rather than a compelling narrative.
  • The characters are not particularly engaging. Gabriela, Lorenzo, and Ginés all come across as bland and forgettable. They don't have any strong motivations or personalities that make them interesting to watch.
  • The dialogue is often clunky and unnatural. For example, Felipe's repeated use of phrases like 'You tell me' and 'What was he like?' feels forced and repetitive.
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven. Some sections, like the interview with Gabriela, drag on for too long, while others, like the interview with Ginés, feel rushed.
  • The role of Marta in the scene is unclear. She is present for all three interviews but doesn't actively participate or provide any insights. This makes her presence feel unnecessary and diminishes her importance as a character.
  • The scene doesn't reveal any new information about Raimundo or the investigation. It simply confirms what the audience already knows from previous scenes.
  • The scene lacks a sense of suspense or intrigue. There is no mystery or unanswered question to keep the audience engaged. The interviews feel like a formality rather than a crucial part of the plot.
  • The humor in the scene doesn't land. Gabriela's laughter and Lorenzo's awkwardness feel forced and out of place. The scene could be more effective if it focused on the suspense and intrigue of the investigation rather than trying to be funny.
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose. It doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters. It feels like a filler scene that could be easily cut without affecting the overall story.
Suggestions
  • Combine the interviews into one scene, focusing on a central conflict or question that arises during the questioning. This will create a more dynamic and engaging scene.
  • Develop the characters by giving them more depth and motivation. What are their individual stakes in the case? What are their connections to Raimundo? How does their perspective on the investigation differ?
  • Use dialogue to create tension and suspense. Instead of asking direct questions, let the officers use subtler tactics to get information from the suspects. For example, they could make veiled threats or try to manipulate the suspects' emotions.
  • Add more visual elements to the scene. Use close-ups and reaction shots to highlight the characters' emotions and reactions. Consider using flashbacks or dreams to provide more insight into Raimundo's character and the events leading up to his death.
  • Give Marta a more active role in the scene. Perhaps she overhears something interesting or observes a subtle clue that the officers miss. This will make her a more dynamic character and add more suspense to the investigation.
  • Include a twist or reveal that adds more mystery or intrigue to the scene. For example, the suspects could contradict each other, or they could reveal something new about Raimundo that changes the audience's perception of the case.
  • Focus on the suspense and intrigue of the investigation rather than trying to be funny. The scene could be more effective if it focused on the tension and uncertainty surrounding Raimundo's death.
  • Give the scene a clear purpose. What does it reveal about the characters or the plot? How does it advance the story? Make sure the scene contributes to the overall narrative and doesn't feel like a filler scene.
  • Consider using a different format for the scene. Instead of showing each interview separately, you could combine them into a montage, highlighting the key details of each conversation. This will make the scene more dynamic and visually interesting.
  • Consider the tone of the scene and how it fits into the overall narrative. If the scene is supposed to be tense and suspenseful, then the characters and dialogue should reflect that tone. If the scene is supposed to be humorous, then the characters and dialogue should be more lighthearted.



Scene 16 -  A Father's Plea
55 INT. POLICE STATION - DAY.

MARTA leaves the interrogation room and heads to her table.
When JOAQUÍN sees her, he gets up from his table and
approaches her.

JOAQUÍN
How has it been?

MARTA
Nothing useful. The victim had a
low profile: an ordinary, boring,
rather docile guy. The complete
opposite of a master.

JOAQUÍN
I guess he would use that role as a
counterpoint.

MARTA
(ironic)
Do you think he felt more macho
that way?

JOAQUÍN
Or more alive. Even though it's all
pure theater, there are guys who
feel dominant and powerful that
way. That turns them on.

MARTA
How strange you men are.

JOAQUÍN
(laughing)
Indeed. And what about Irene?

MARTA
My calls go unanswered. I still
haven't talked to her parents.

JOAQUÍN
Maybe you should do it before
Homicide contacts them.

MARTA
It will be unpleasant.
53.


Joaquín shrugs his shoulders and heads to his table. Marta
sighs, goes to her table and looks for her cell phone in her
bag.


56 INT. IRENE'S PARENTS' HOUSE/LIVING ROOM - DAY.

The landline rings. The room is empty. After four rings,
ANTONIO enters, with a light step and picks up the phone.

ANTONIO
Hello.

MARTA (OFF)
Good morning, Antonio. This is
Marta, Irene's friend.

ANTONIO
(nervous)
What happened? Has she suffered an
accident?


57 INT. POLICE STATION - DAY.

MARTA sits at her table and looks for paper and something to
write with.

MARTA
Not that I know of. Actually, I
want to know if Irene has contacted
you these days.

ANTONIO (OFF)
The last time we spoke was Friday
afternoon. She came to leave me the
dog.

MARTA
Did she tell you where she was
going?


58 INT. IRENE'S PARENTS' HOUSE - DAY.

Here enters SILVIA (63), Irene's mother, a thin woman with
very well-groomed skin, who does not look her age and
maintains her beauty.
54.


She approaches ANTONIO and questions him with her eyes.
Antonio makes a gesture with her hand asking for patience.

ANTONIO
She didn't specify much. I only
know that she was going on a trip
with a friend. But what has
happened?

MARTA (OFF)
Do you mind if we talk about it at
your house? It will take me about
half an hour to get there.


59 INT. POLICE STATION - DAY.

MARTA turns off her cell phone and gets up from her seat.
Upon seeing her, JOAQUÍN questions her with his eyes.

MARTA
I'll be right back. I'll tell you
later.

Marta leaves the office and Joaquín observes her with a
perplexed expression.


60 INT. IRENE'S PARENTS' HOUSE - DAY.

The doorbell rings and ANTONIO goes to open the door. It's
MARTA. Antonio smiles at her. He approaches to give her a
kiss while Marta extends her hand to him. They both hesitate
for a moment. Finally, Antonio shakes her hand.

ANTONIO
How fast! Come in, please. I'm
going to look for Silvia.

Marta enters and follows Antonio, who leads her to the living
room, where SILVIA is sitting on the sofa.

ANTONIO (CONT’D)
(looking at Silvia)
Ah, you are here! Do you remember
Martha??

Silvia gets up and approaches Marta. She gives her two
kisses.
55.


SILVIA
How could I not remember her?

Antonio gestures to Marta to take a seat. Marta sits in an
armchair. Antonio and Silvia sit on the sofa.

SILVIA (CONT’D)
Has something bad happened to
Irene?

Marta shakes her head without much conviction. She twists her
face and looks down.

MARTA
In reality, we have no news about
her. We agreed that she would call
me last Monday and she hasn't.

ANTONIO
She has not called us either and is
not answering our calls.

Martha nods affirmatively.

SILVIA
You know something. Tell us now,
please.

MARTA
Irene did not go on a trip with any
friend.

ANTONIO
But she didn't leave alone, did
she?

Martha nods affirmatively. She shifts on the couch and faces
Silvia and Antonio directly.

MARTA
Irene had a date with a guy she
didn't know. And they agreed to
meet in a secluded, isolated house,
far from urban centers.

ANTONIO
My God. Did that man attack her?
56.


MARTA
We don't know what happened in the
house. When we arrived, we only
found the man she had met with. He
was dead. Murdered.

Antonio puts his hand on his face; he is stupefied. Silvia
begins to cry, distraught.

SILVIA
My daughter! What have they done to
her?

Antonio approaches Silvia and hugs her. She cries on his
shoulder.

ANTONIO
Are there any clues as to who it
might have been?

MARTA
There’s not any. And even if I
knew, I couldn't tell you.

ANTONIO
But, Irene is... suspicious?

MARTA
It's still early to say that.

Silvia cries harder. Marta gets up from the couch.

MARTA (CONT’D)
I think I should go. I just wanted
to be the one...

ANTONIO
(getting up) )
Of course! I'll take charge. I
accompany you.

They both reach the door. Antonio opens it and before Marta
leaves it, he closes it again. He addresses Marta with a
confidential tone.

ANTONIO (CONT’D)
I want to ask you a favor. It's for
Silvia. You've seen how she is now.
57.


MARTA
No problem. Whatever you want.
Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Detective Marta visits Irene's parents, Antonio and Silvia, with the unsettling news of Irene's disappearance. She informs them that Irene had gone on a date with an unknown man to a secluded house, where the man was later found dead. Antonio and Silvia are deeply distressed by the news, fearing for their daughter's safety. The scene ends with Antonio asking Marta to help Silvia cope with the overwhelming news.
Strengths
  • Building suspense
  • Emotional depth
  • Character reactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited information about Irene's whereabouts
  • Lack of concrete leads in the investigation

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and emotional depth, setting up a compelling mystery and showcasing the characters' reactions to the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a missing person case intertwined with a murder investigation is engaging and keeps the audience invested in the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as new information about Irene's disappearance and the murder is revealed, adding layers to the overall mystery.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime investigation genre by focusing on the emotional impact of the crime on the characters, rather than just the procedural aspects. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, particularly Marta and Irene's parents, show depth and emotion in their reactions to the situation, adding complexity to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

Marta experiences a shift in her sense of responsibility and determination to find Irene, while Irene's parents undergo emotional turmoil as they learn of their daughter's disappearance.

Internal Goal: 8

Marta's internal goal is to find out what happened to Irene and to navigate the emotional turmoil of the situation. This reflects her deeper need for closure, her fear of the unknown, and her desire to protect her friend.

External Goal: 7

Marta's external goal is to investigate Irene's disappearance and the murder of the man she was with. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in solving a crime and finding her friend.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict arises from the uncertainty surrounding Irene's fate and the murder investigation, creating a sense of urgency and tension.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Marta faces challenges in uncovering the truth about Irene's disappearance and dealing with the emotional fallout of the situation. The audience is kept on edge by the uncertainty and complexity of the investigation.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters grapple with the possibility of Irene being in danger and the implications of the murder investigation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about Irene's disappearance and the murder, setting the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists and turns in the investigation, keeping the reader guessing about the outcome. The uncertainty surrounding Irene's disappearance adds to the suspense and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between truth and deception, as Marta grapples with the unknown circumstances surrounding Irene's disappearance and the murder. This challenges Marta's beliefs about justice, trust, and the nature of human behavior.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact is high as the characters grapple with the unknown fate of Irene and the tragic discovery of the murder victim.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and concern felt by the characters, driving the emotional impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a compelling mystery, emotional stakes, and complex character dynamics. The dialogue and interactions between the characters draw the reader in and create a sense of urgency and suspense.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense gradually, allowing the reader to absorb the emotional impact of the events unfolding. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the overall pacing.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. This enhances readability and clarity for the reader.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene feels a bit rushed and lacks the dramatic tension you might expect from a scene where a detective informs a family about a missing loved one and a potential murder.
  • The dialogue is functional but lacks emotional depth and doesn't fully capture the shock and anxiety of the situation. For example, Marta's delivery of the news feels rather clinical and detached.
  • The scene would benefit from some visual details that would further convey the emotional impact of the situation. For instance, you could show Silvia's reaction more vividly by describing her physical actions, her facial expressions, and her body language.
  • There's not enough focus on developing Antonio and Silvia's emotional reactions. We see that they are upset but don't get a sense of their personalities or how they react to the news in a way that distinguishes them as individuals.
  • The scene feels predictable and lacks any surprises. The audience can likely guess what's going to happen next based on the typical conventions of police procedurals.
  • The ending of the scene, where Antonio asks Marta a favor, feels abrupt and doesn't offer any clear indication of what this favor might entail. It leaves the audience hanging and doesn't provide a satisfying resolution to the scene.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of direction and purpose. What is the main goal of the scene? To reveal Irene's disappearance to her parents? To create tension and suspense? To introduce new plot elements? It is unclear from the scene itself.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a close-up on Antonio's face, capturing his confusion and anxiety as he answers the phone. Let the audience experience his shock as Marta reveals the news.
  • Add more visual details to convey the intensity of the situation. Show Marta fidgeting with her phone, her eyes darting around the room, or biting her lip as she delivers the news.
  • Spend more time on developing Antonio and Silvia's reactions. Show them arguing, questioning each other, or grappling with the implications of the news. Give them some lines that reveal their personalities and their relationship with Irene.
  • Add some unexpected twists or turns to the scene. Maybe Antonio suspects Irene of something and reacts with anger or denial. Maybe Silvia has a secret about Irene that she's hiding.
  • End the scene with a more dramatic cliffhanger. Maybe Marta gets a call from Irene's phone, or maybe she sees something in the house that suggests foul play.
  • Give the scene a clear purpose and focus. For example, you could use the scene to reveal a hidden motive for Irene's disappearance, to introduce a new character who might be involved, or to create a sense of unease and suspense.



Scene 17 -  Truhan's Charm and a New Lead
61 EXT. STREET - DAY.

MARTA walks down the street. Tied to a leash, she carries
TRUHAN to her car and puts him in the trunk. She goes to
close it, but stops. She looks in her purse for a plastic
bag. She plucks a lock of Truhan's hair and puts it in the
bag.


62 INT. MARTA'S APARTMENT/LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - DAY.

MARTA returns home accompanied by TRUHAN. From the kitchen
RODNEY looks out and sees the dog, which makes him look
surprised.

MARTA
It will be something temporary.
Just until we find Irene.

Rodney makes a disgusted face, but says nothing. Then Marta
releases Truhan from the leash, the dog jumps towards Rodney
and starts licking him. Rodney's face gradually changes and
he begins to caress him. The animal just won him over.


63 INT. POLICE STATION/ISIDRO'S OFFICE - DAY.

MARTA goes to ISIDRO's office. She holds a sheet of paper in
her hand. The door is open, so Marta enters. Upon seeing her,
Isidro looks up.

ISIDRO
Is there anything new?

MARTA
I have received a report from the
laboratory. The remains of animal
hair found on the victim's clothes
match those of Irene's dog.

ISIDRO
Which only confirms that she was
there. We haven't made much
progress.
58.


MARTA
You told me to keep you posted.

Isidro leans back in his seat and intertwines his fingers.
Without much of a transition, he opens a desk drawer and
pulls out a stack of sticky notes. He writes down something,
tears off the note and hands it to Marta.

ISIDRO
I know you've been trying to find
out something through the victim's
and your friend's Twitter profiles.
This is the phone number of Pablo
Palacios, from Cybersecurity. Talk
to him. Maybe he can help you find
something.

Marta takes the note and Isidro returns to his work, putting
an end to the conversation. Marta is going to ask something;
but, seeing that Isidro is not even looking at her, she turns
around and leaves the office.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Marta brings Irene's dog, Truhan, home, where Rodney is initially disgusted by its presence. However, Truhan's charm wins Rodney over. At the police station, Marta informs Isidro that Truhan's hair matches the hair found on the victim's clothes. Isidro, having investigated Irene and her friend's social media profiles, provides Marta with the contact information of a cybersecurity expert who may be able to help with the investigation.
Strengths
  • Building suspense
  • Emotional depth
  • Mystery elements
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity in certain character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and mystery, keeping the audience engaged with the unfolding investigation and emotional turmoil of the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of investigating a disappearance and murder while exploring the relationships between characters is well-executed, adding depth to the storyline.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with new revelations and leads, adding layers to the overall mystery and setting up future developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the detective genre by focusing on the personal connection between the protagonist and the missing person. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show depth and emotion, especially Marta and Irene, as they navigate through the investigation and personal challenges.

Character Changes: 7

Marta shows growth in her determination to find Irene and solve the mystery, while Irene's disappearance leads to significant changes in her relationships and personal life.

Internal Goal: 8

Marta's internal goal in this scene is to find Irene, the missing person. This reflects her deeper need for closure, her fear of not being able to locate her friend, and her desire to bring her back safely.

External Goal: 7

Marta's external goal in this scene is to gather information about Irene's whereabouts and progress in the investigation. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in solving the mystery of Irene's disappearance.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict is high as the characters face the disappearance of a friend, a murder investigation, and personal challenges, creating tension and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and obstacles for the protagonist, adding complexity to the investigation and raising the stakes.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters face the disappearance of a friend, a murder investigation, and personal challenges, with the outcome having significant consequences for all involved.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new leads, deepening the mystery, and setting up future developments in the investigation and character arcs.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces new information about the case and hints at potential twists in the investigation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the balance between following protocol and taking unconventional measures to solve the case. Isidro represents the traditional approach, while Marta is willing to explore different avenues to find Irene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of concern, shock, and desperation as the characters deal with the unfolding events.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension, concern, and emotional turmoil of the characters, enhancing the overall atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it raises questions about Irene's disappearance, introduces new leads in the investigation, and develops the relationship between Marta and Isidro.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and moving the story forward at a steady pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to industry standards for screenplay format, making it easy to follow and visualize the action.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a mystery/crime genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-paced dialogue that advances the plot.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Marta putting Truhan in the trunk of her car, which feels a bit jarring after the previous scene where the discovery of animal hair on the victim's clothing was a key moment. The scene feels rushed and lacks a strong emotional core.
  • The interaction between Marta and Rodney regarding the dog feels a bit contrived. The initial disgust followed by a sudden shift to affection feels forced and doesn't flow naturally.
  • The scene at the police station feels a bit abrupt and lacking in tension. Marta simply delivers the lab report and Isidro quickly moves on to providing her with the contact information for a cybersecurity expert. There isn't much back-and-forth between them, leaving the scene feeling flat.
  • The scene ends abruptly without any sense of resolution or closure. It simply ends with Marta leaving Isidro's office, leaving the audience wondering about her next move and what she plans to do with the contact information.
  • The scene feels like a filler scene that doesn't contribute much to the overall story. It's a bit of a detour, as it doesn't advance the plot or develop the characters in a significant way.
  • The visual descriptions of the scene could be more evocative and engaging. The description of Marta putting Truhan in the trunk and Rodney's facial expressions could be expanded to create a more immersive reading experience.
  • The dialogue between Marta and Isidro could be more impactful and revealing. It could be used to explore their dynamics and their individual perspectives on the investigation.
Suggestions
  • Consider starting the scene with the lab report arriving, having Marta react to the news with a mix of excitement and anxiety. You could show her racing home to get Truhan.
  • Show Marta bringing Truhan home, and let Rodney's initial reaction be more subtle – maybe he's simply apprehensive rather than disgusted. Let the dog's charm win him over gradually, creating a more believable change in attitude.
  • Develop the scene at the police station by exploring the tension between Marta and Isidro. Show Isidro hesitant to allow her to participate in the investigation, and let the scene build towards a moment where he agrees to help her.
  • End the scene with Marta leaving Isidro's office, but show her immediately calling Pablo or taking the note and looking at it with determination, suggesting she's ready to take the next step in the investigation.
  • Consider adding more conflict to the scene to increase the tension. For instance, show Marta grappling with the emotional impact of the news about the animal hair, or have her face resistance from Isidro regarding her involvement in the investigation.
  • Use more vivid descriptions and sensory details to create a more immersive reading experience. Describe the smell of the dog, the way Truhan looks at Rodney, or the sound of the door closing behind Marta as she leaves Isidro's office.
  • Incorporate more revealing dialogue between Marta and Isidro. Explore their motivations, anxieties, and their hopes for the investigation.



Scene 18 -  Cyber Trail: Following the Digital Footprints
64 INT. CYBERSECURITY UNIT - DAY.

PABLO's office (30) is small; however, the space is almost
completely occupied by three adjacent tables arranged in an L-
shape and full of monitors of different sizes. When MARTA
enters the room, she does not see Pablo, whose face is
completely hidden behind the wall of monitors that stands in
front of him.

MARTA
Hello?

Pablo raises his head, allowing himself to be seen minimally.
When he sees Marta, he gets up. Pablo is taller than Marta,
somewhat unkempt, wears glasses and has a three-day beard; he
dresses in slightly worn and unironed clothes.

PABLO
(offering her his hand) )
You must be Marta.

Marta nods affirmatively and shakes his hand. She looks
around her in bewilderment.
59.


PABLO (CONT’D)
Is something wrong?

MARTA
Nothing is wrong. It's just that
all this is...

PABLO
I know. Very geeky. Come in.

MARTA
Where?

They both laugh. Pablo points out the hallway through which
she can access his position. Marta crosses the bastion of
monitors and towers and sits next to Pablo.

PABLO
Alright. I've been browsing the
AmoDark account.

MARTA
So?

Pablo types something on the computer and shows Marta a
screen with account information.

PABLO
It has been inactive since last
Friday.

MARTA
It seems logical, considering that
he was killed on Saturday.

PABLO
I don’t think so. Sometimes those
accounts are shared. Furthermore,
the important thing in this case is
to look at the interactions.

MARTA
Irene gave me her master's alias.
But I don't know which one she
used. Could you find out that?

Pablo goes back to typing on the computer. Marta leans over
the screen with a gesture of interest.
60.


PABLO
I have organized a cross list of
followers. I have selected those
that were active last week, until
Friday, and the list is reduced to
ten users.

MARTA
One of those must be Irene's alias.

PABLO
We can reduce this list a little,
selecting the accounts that have
remained inactive since Friday.

MARTA
And what we get from it?

Pablo types, seeming focused. He presses ENTER and leans back
in his seat with a gesture of satisfaction.

PABLO
Three users.

MARTA
We have reduced it quite a bit. But
is there anything else?

Pablo raises his index finger and smiles. He points to
something on the screen.

PABLO
Look at this.

Marta looks at the screen and frowns.

MARTA
I see nothing.

PABLO
(pointing out)
There. Look in the comments of the
AmoDark account. He mentions a
username and the @ does not appear.
That means it hasn't been deleted.
And that user is one of the three
on the list that we have narrowed
down.
61.


MARTA
Do you think it's Irene's?

PABLO
I bet you anything it is.

MARTA
And can you access her account?

PABLO
Of course, as long as a judge
authorizes it.

MARTA
What are we waiting for then? Let's
make the request.

PABLO
I'd rather be sure. If it's a false
positive and I ask for a new
authorization again, the judge will
be pissed.

MARTA
Well, let him get angry. It's his
job, and we do ours.

PABLO
Damn, you're right. I like you. Do
you happen to have a boyfriend?

MARTA
(laughing)
I'm afraid so.

PABLO
What can we do? If one day you
break up with him, remember that I
am available.

MARTA
I'll add you to my list of suitors.
Although I'm not much into geeks.

PABLO
(clicking his tongue)
That is the sad fate of computer
scientists.
62.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Cybersecurity expert Pablo, working with police investigator Marta, is close to identifying Irene's online alias. He's narrowed down the suspects to three users, with a promising lead on one specific account. Though hesitant to act without a judge's authorization, Marta encourages Pablo to move forward, highlighting the importance of gathering information. Their playful banter reveals a potential attraction between them, but Marta's existing relationship sets the tone for their professional dynamic.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Introduction of a new character
  • Use of technology in investigation
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth
  • Minimal character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, informative, and sets up a new direction for the investigation. The dialogue is well-written and the introduction of a new character adds depth to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using cybersecurity to investigate a crime is innovative and adds a modern twist to the traditional detective narrative. It keeps the audience intrigued and invested in the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Marta and Pablo uncover new leads in the investigation. The scene sets up a new direction for the story and increases the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to cybercrime investigation, blending technical details with character interactions and humor. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Marta and Pablo are well-developed characters with distinct personalities. Their interaction adds depth to the scene and showcases their expertise in their respective fields.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character change in this scene, as the focus is more on advancing the investigation and introducing a new character. However, Marta's collaboration with Pablo hints at potential growth in their partnership.

Internal Goal: 8

Marta's internal goal in this scene is to prove her investigative skills and competence to Pablo. This reflects her desire for recognition and validation in her field of work.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to identify Irene's alias on the AmoDark account and gain access to her account with legal authorization. This reflects the immediate challenge of solving a cybercrime case.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is no direct conflict between characters in this scene, the tension arises from the urgency of solving the case and the obstacles Marta and Pablo face in uncovering the truth.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and obstacles for the characters, adding suspense and uncertainty to the investigation process.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in this scene as Marta and Pablo delve deeper into the investigation, uncovering crucial information that could lead to solving the case. The urgency to find answers adds tension to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new lead in the investigation and setting up future developments. It keeps the audience engaged and eager to see how the case unfolds.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the investigation process and the characters' unpredictable reactions to new information.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethical considerations of accessing private online accounts for investigative purposes. It challenges Marta's beliefs about privacy and legal boundaries in cyber investigations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The emotional impact is moderate in this scene, with a focus on the investigative process rather than deep emotional moments. However, the audience is invested in the outcome of the investigation.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is engaging, informative, and reveals important information about the investigation. It also adds a touch of humor, making the scene more relatable to the audience.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interaction between the characters, the suspense of solving a cybercrime mystery, and the blend of humor and tension.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a balance of dialogue, action, and revelations that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-heavy investigative scene in a thriller genre, with a clear progression of actions and revelations.


Critique
  • The scene is a little slow in its pacing. While the back and forth of Marta and Pablo is interesting, the initial description of Pablo's office is a bit long and takes a moment to get into the meat of the scene.
  • The dialogue is a bit stilted. The characters are talking more like they are explaining things to an audience instead of naturally to each other. There's a lot of exposition.
  • It's not clear what the point of the scene is. We are introduced to a character, Pablo, and learn that he is trying to find Irene's alias. However, the scene ends with the promise of a judge's authorization for accessing the account, which seems like the beginning of a new scene.
  • The scene lacks conflict. While Pablo is worried about angering the judge, Marta just encourages him to go ahead. This feels like a missed opportunity for some tension and character development.
  • There's a bit too much exposition. We don't really need a detailed description of Pablo's office or of the process he goes through to narrow down the list of users. We can assume that he's good at his job and that he's made progress.
  • The flirty banter between Marta and Pablo feels a bit out of place. It's not clear why they are flirting, and it doesn't really add anything to the scene. It might be more effective to focus on building the tension around the investigation, especially given that the story is already tense, with multiple deaths and a missing person.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with Marta entering Pablo's office and cut the description of the office to a single line: 'Pablo's office is a maze of monitors.'
  • Cut some of the exposition. Instead of having Pablo explain each step of his process, show it through his actions. For example, we don't need Pablo to explain that he's organized a cross list of followers; just show him typing, filtering, and narrowing the list down.
  • Focus on the conflict. Give Pablo more resistance to going ahead with the request. Maybe he's afraid of getting in trouble, or he's worried that he'll be wrong. This will create more tension and make the scene more interesting.
  • The flirty banter might be better saved for later, when Marta and Pablo have had more of a chance to get to know each other. For now, focus on their working relationship and the urgency of the investigation.
  • Consider using visual elements to show the passage of time and the intensity of the investigation. For example, show close-ups of Pablo's face as he's working on the computer, or have Marta pacing back and forth while she waits for him to finish.



Scene 19 -  The Phone Call Trace
65 INT. POLICE STATION - DAY.

MARTA is standing next to JOAQUÍN, checking some data on his
computer. Marta's phone rings and she momentarily leaves her
partner to answer the call.

MARTA
Hallo?... Speaking... Okay. Thank
you very much.

Marta approaches back to Joaquín. He looks at her
questioningly.

MARTA (CONT’D)
The judge granted authorization to
look into Irene's alleged account.
Pablo is going to check on it.

JOAQUÍN
What do you hope to find? We
already know that she was in the
house.

MARTA
Don't know. Maybe some clue that
will help us know where she can be
found, in case she is still alive.

JOAQUÍN
Do you think someone has taken her?

MARTA
Maybe she's hiding.

JOAQUÍN
That would be weird.

MARTA
Why?

JOAQUÍN
If I were hiding, I would try to
call the closest people to me to
tell them not to worry.

MARTA
I assure you that she has not
contacted me.
63.


JOAQUÍN
I did not mean you.

Martha frowns.

MARTA
Shit! Why didn't I think of that?

Marta rushes out in search of her boss.


66 INT. POLICE STATION/ISIDRO'S OFFICE - DAY.

MARTA opens the door to ISIDRO's office without knocking. He
looks at her with surprise.

ISIDRO
I’m busy.

MARTA
It will only be a minute. An idea
cropped up in my mind. I want to
check the calls that Irene's
parents have received in recent
days.

ISIDRO
You're late. Homicide has already
done it.

MARTA
What did they find?

ISIDRO
Nothing that I know of.

MARTA
Can I see that list?

ISIDRO
I told you I'm busy.

MARTA
Please.

ISIDRO
(sighing)
I'll tell them to send me a copy.
(MORE)
64.

ISIDRO (CONT’D)
But I don't guarantee anything. And
now, get out of here.


67 INT. MARTA'S APARTMENT/LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - DAY.

MARTA enters the apartment. TRUHAN is lying on the living
room floor, but he gets up when he hears the door, and goes
over to greet Marta, who caresses him without much
enthusiasm. Marta enters the kitchen, where she finds RODNEY
with a can of beer. She kisses him.

RODNEY
I was waiting for you to go out for
a while.

MARTA
Ugh. I don't feel like it. I'm
tired.

RODNEY
Anyway, we have to take the dog
out.

MARTA
You do it without me. OK?

RODNEY
It was you who brought the animal.

MARTA
I know. Listen, I'll make it up to
you. But today I can't. Really.

RODNEY
Great.

Rodney downs his beer in one gulp and grabs the leash. He
whistles and the dog follows him. Marta sees them leave. When
she is left alone, she sighs and rubs her eyes. She opens the
refrigerator, takes a look and closes it again.

She gets a notification on her cell phone. It's an email. She
opens it. It’s the list of telephone numbers that she has
requested from Isidro. All phone numbers are listed with
their respective owners. None correspond to Irene: there are
family members, friends, business numbers identified.
65.


Only two mobile numbers with prepaid cards remain to be
identified. One of them has the prefix +351, a number from
Portugal. Marta closes the email and remains thoughtful.

Marta grabs her bag and goes out to the street.
Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Marta receives confirmation that a judge authorized an investigation into Irene's alleged account. She suspects Irene may be hiding and asks Isidro for the list of calls received by Irene's parents. Initially denied access, Marta persists and receives the list later, discovering two unidentified prepaid numbers, one from Portugal. Driven by her determination, Marta leaves her apartment to take action.
Strengths
  • Building suspense
  • Advancing the plot
  • Creating tension
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and mystery, keeping the audience engaged with new developments in the investigation.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of investigating a disappearance and uncovering new clues is well-executed, adding depth to the overall storyline.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the discovery of new leads and the intensification of the investigation, driving the story forward.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to the detective genre by focusing on the characters' internal struggles and communication dynamics. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the investigation process.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show concern, shock, and determination in their actions, adding emotional depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

Marta shows determination and a sense of urgency in her investigation, hinting at potential character growth as she delves deeper into the case.

Internal Goal: 8

Marta's internal goal is to find clues that will help locate Irene, reflecting her desire to solve the case and bring closure to the situation. It also shows her fear of not being able to find Irene alive.

External Goal: 7

Marta's external goal is to investigate Irene's alleged account and check the calls received by Irene's parents, reflecting the immediate challenge of gathering information to solve the case.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict is high as the characters face the mystery of Irene's disappearance and the discovery of a dead man, raising the stakes in the investigation.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and obstacles that challenge the characters' beliefs and actions. The audience is left wondering how the characters will overcome these challenges.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters race against time to uncover the truth behind Irene's disappearance and the mysterious dead man, adding intensity to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new leads and raising questions about Irene's disappearance, keeping the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' actions and revelations. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the investigation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of hiding and communication. Joaquín believes that if someone is hiding, they would try to contact their loved ones, while Marta realizes she has not been contacted by Irene, leading to a realization of missed communication.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of concern, shock, and confusion, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is focused on the investigation and the characters' reactions, effectively conveying the tension and mystery of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the suspenseful atmosphere, realistic dialogue, and character dynamics. The audience is drawn into the investigation process and invested in finding out what happens next.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a good balance of dialogue and action. The rhythm keeps the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It is easy to follow and visually appealing.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a detective genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and dialogue flow smoothly, keeping the audience engaged.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a rather bland exchange between Marta and Joaquín. The dialogue is functional but lacks tension and doesn't move the plot forward significantly. The information about the judge granting authorization is revealed too easily, lacking dramatic impact.
  • The scene's core conflict, Marta's desire to check the call list, is resolved too quickly and feels anticlimactic. Isidro's 'busy' excuse feels like a weak attempt to create tension and doesn't convincingly justify Marta's persistent request.
  • The scene ends with Marta leaving the police station without any clear direction or sense of urgency. The final shot of her grabbing her bag and walking out feels somewhat abrupt and leaves the reader with a sense of 'so what?'
  • The scene with Rodney and Truhan feels like a filler scene that doesn't contribute much to the overall story. It feels like an attempt to add some humor and domesticity but ultimately feels extraneous.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to build suspense and create a more compelling conflict. Perhaps Marta could face resistance from Isidro or even a more powerful figure within the police department, creating a greater obstacle to overcome.
  • Instead of a phone call, perhaps the news of the judge's authorization could be revealed in a more dramatic manner. Maybe Pablo bursts into the station, revealing the information with excitement and urgency, adding to the sense of anticipation.
  • Explore the emotional weight of Marta's suspicion that Irene is hiding. Instead of a simple 'maybe she's hiding,' delve into Marta's worries, her inner turmoil, and the reasons she suspects Irene is in danger.
  • Give the scene a stronger ending by emphasizing Marta's determination to find Irene. Perhaps she has a hunch about one of the numbers on the list, creating a sense of urgency and leading the reader to anticipate the next scene.
  • Rethink the scene with Rodney and Truhan. Either make it more relevant to the plot, perhaps revealing something about Marta's relationship with Rodney, or consider removing it altogether.



Scene 20 -  Concerns and Secrets
68 EXT. STREET - DAY.

MARTA gets into her car and starts it. As she walks away from
the house, she crosses RODNEY, who is walking TRUHAN on the
leash. Upon seeing her, Rodney gestures with her hand, but
Marta does not stop and goes on.


69 EXT. STREET/HOUSE OF IRENE'S PARENTS - DAY.

MARTA gets out of her car and goes to the entrance of the
house. She discreetly looks inside through the windows and
she sees ANTONIO and SILVIA talking animatedly. They seem to
joke with each other, they even cuddle here and there. They
don't seem at all worried. Marta then approaches the door of
the house and rings the bell. Antonio opens with a smile
still on his mouth, which disappears almost the instant he
sees Marta. A second later, Silvia also appears and, upon
seeing her, seems confused.

SILVIA
¡Marta! What’s going on?

MARTA
I have to ask you a couple of
questions. About Irene. Can I come
in?

ANTONIO
Of course! Come in.


70 INT. IRENE'S PARENTS' HOUSE - NIGHT.

ANTONIO and SILVIA enter the living room. They seem worried.
MARTA follows them.

ANTONIO
Will you tell us if there is any
news?
66.


MARTA
Not much. Actually, I came to ask
you a few things.

Antonio sits down. Silvia and Marta remain standing.

ANTONIO
Take a seat, please.

MARTA
It'll only be a moment; so, I'll
get to the point. The man she went
to meet is dead. We know that Irene
had started a sadomasochistic
relationship with him.

SILVIA
My God!

MARTA
It would be helpful for me to know
who Irene was seeing lately. If she
had relationships that you knew
about. Anything that can help me.

ANTONIO
(nodding negatively)
I had no idea... If I had known...

MARTA
It's late to regret. The fact is
that Irene has been left in a
complicated situation. Her
disappearance can only indicate
three things: either someone took
her from there and is holding her,
or she fled and is hiding, or she
is...

SILVIA
She's not dead!

Marta looks at Silvia intently.

MARTA
Has she contacted you?
67.


Silvia's face changes color. She falls on the couch next to
Antonio.

ANTONIO
What kind of question is that? You
know she hasn’t. Poor Silvia hasn't
slept for days. She has to take
tranquilizers. She is... broken
inside.

MARTA
I take responsibility. I'm sorry.

Antonio gets up from the couch.

ANTONIO
Silvia needs to rest. I'd rather
you came another time...

SILVIA
No.

ANTONIO
What are you saying?

SILVIA
I don't want to go to bed. Marta is
right. We must help her.

ANTONIO
But, honey...

SILVIA
Lately Irene was hanging out a lot
with a girl much younger than her.
Natalia, yes, that's her name.

ANTONIO
It's true. We saw her a couple of
times. However, I insist...

MARTA
Coworker?
68.


SILVIA
No. None of that. She worked in a
company with a strange name:
PALMOS, or something like that. It
was Irene who told me.

MARTA
PALNOS?

SILVIA
Yes. Maybe. I don't remember well.
However, that girl, although I saw
her a few times...

ANTONIO
Silvia, please.

SILVIA
Let me finish! That girl had
something dark about her.

MARTA
What do you mean by that?

Silvia shakes her head and shrugs her shoulders. Her eyes
start to turn red.

SILVIA
I couldn't explain it. They are
sensations that only a mother
knows. That girl was strange, very
striking, with that red hair and
those light eyes. She was no good
for Irene, that's for sure.

MARTA
That's something. How could I find
that Natalia?

Irene's mother seems uneasy. Her eyes are getting redder.

SILVIA
Excuse me a moment. I'll be with
you shortly.

Silvia leaves. Antonio looks at Marta with a reproachful
gesture and leaves in search of his wife. Marta is left alone
in the living room.
69.


On the sofa table there is a cell phone with an intermittent
notification of incoming message. Marta takes it
instinctively. It’s a contactless number, and begins with
+351. She’s going to open the message when Antonio returns
and, seeing Marta with the cell phone, he abruptly takes it
from her.

ANTONIO
Silvia is going to bed. I'll take
the cell phone to her. Nowadays, we
don't know how to get by without
these gadgets...

MARTA
I got it. Forgive me. It’s my bad.
I'm leaving now.

ANTONIO
I appreciate it. She's a nervous
wreck.

MARTA
It's understandable. I'm also
worried about Irene.

ANTONIO
I know. And I have to thank you for
all the effort you are making to...

Marta puts her hand on Antonio's shoulder.

MARTA
Keep your wife company. I know my
way out.

ANTONIO
Thanks.

Marta leaves the house.
Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Marta questions Irene's parents about her disappearance and learns about a young girl named Natalia who was close to Irene. Silvia expresses her concerns about Natalia, while Antonio tries to protect her from further stress. The scene takes place in Irene's parents' house at night, with a tense and emotional tone. The conflict arises from Irene's disappearance and the lack of information about her whereabouts. The scene ends with Marta leaving the house after Antonio takes her phone.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Mystery elements
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight of the situation and introduces new elements to the mystery, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Irene's relationships and the impact of her disappearance on her parents is well executed, adding depth to the storyline.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as new information about Irene's relationships is revealed, setting the stage for further investigation and character development.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the missing person mystery genre by focusing on the emotional impact on the characters involved. The authenticity of the dialogue adds depth to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, especially Irene's parents, are portrayed with depth and emotion, adding complexity to the narrative.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the emotional impact of the situation prompts introspection and reflection from the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Marta's internal goal is to uncover information about Irene's whereabouts and well-being. This reflects her deeper desire to solve the mystery and bring closure to the situation.

External Goal: 7

Marta's external goal is to gather information from Irene's parents about her recent activities and relationships. This reflects the immediate challenge of solving the case of Irene's disappearance.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict arises from the uncertainty surrounding Irene's disappearance and the revelation of her sadomasochistic relationship, creating tension and emotional turmoil.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting emotions and motives between the characters. The uncertainty of Irene's fate adds to the opposition Marta faces in her investigation.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Irene's parents grapple with the uncertainty of her whereabouts and the revelation of her risky relationship, adding urgency to the investigation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new leads and information related to Irene's disappearance, advancing the investigation and deepening the mystery.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelations and emotional reactions from the characters. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the theme of trust and deception. Marta must navigate the truthfulness of the information she receives from Irene's parents and the potential hidden motives behind their actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, particularly through the reactions of Irene's parents to the shocking news.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotion of the scene, revealing important information about Irene's relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes involved in the search for Irene and the emotional turmoil of the characters. The dialogue and interactions keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue adds to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events. It effectively builds tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a brief scene showing Marta leaving the house and crossing paths with Rodney, who's walking Truhan. While it establishes the current context, it feels a bit unnecessary and could be easily integrated into the next scene.
  • The scene then jumps to Marta arriving at Irene's parents' house. The description of the parents' interaction feels a bit overly detailed. It's clear from their actions that they are not worried about Irene's disappearance, but the level of detail might distract from the scene's main focus.
  • The scene feels rushed as Marta immediately jumps into questioning Irene's parents about her relationships. It would be more engaging if there was some time for the parents to process the news of Irene's disappearance and the discovery of the dead man. We could get a glimpse of their emotions and reactions to the situation before Marta starts asking questions.
  • Marta's dialogue feels a bit too direct and clinical. While she is a police officer, her tone lacks empathy and sensitivity towards Irene's parents' situation. It would be more natural if she expressed a bit more concern for them and acknowledged their distress.
  • The scene focuses heavily on the revelation that Irene was in a sadomasochistic relationship. While this is relevant, it might be overwhelming for the audience to handle so much information at once. It could be introduced more gradually throughout the script.
  • The dialogue feels a bit stilted and expository. For example, Antonio's response to Marta's question about Irene's recent relationships, "I had no idea... If I had known...," feels a bit unnatural and lacks emotional depth. The dialogue could be more natural and expressive, allowing the characters to react more authentically to the situation.
  • The scene abruptly ends with Antonio taking the phone from Marta, leaving the reader with a sense of unresolved tension. It would be more satisfying if the scene concluded with Marta leaving the house after getting some information, or if the phone call was revealed to be relevant to the case.
  • The ending feels a bit abrupt and doesn't offer much closure. It would be more effective if the scene concluded with a sense of resolution, either with Marta leaving the house with some new information or with the parents' reaction to the news, creating a more satisfying end to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider merging the first two scenes, integrating the brief interaction with Rodney into the scene with Irene's parents. This will create a more fluid transition and reduce the number of scene breaks.
  • Focus on the emotional impact of Irene's disappearance on her parents. Allow them to react to the news of her disappearance and the discovery of the dead man before Marta starts asking questions. This will create a more engaging and emotionally resonant scene.
  • Add some dialogue to reflect Marta's empathy for the parents' situation. While she is a police officer, it's important to show that she is also human and has compassion. This will make her character more relatable and sympathetic.
  • Introduce the information about Irene's sadomasochistic relationship more gradually throughout the script. This will allow the audience to process the information and understand its significance without being overwhelmed.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to be more natural and expressive. Allow the characters to react more organically to the situation, including their emotions and personal reactions.
  • Consider ending the scene with Marta leaving the house with some new information about Irene or with a final scene where Irene's parents react to the news. This will create a more satisfying and emotionally resonant end to the scene.
  • Explore the phone call received by Irene's parents. Is it a clue about her whereabouts or a false lead? This could be a good opportunity to create tension and suspense.



Scene 21 -  A Trail of Clues
71 EXT. IRENE'S PARENTS' HOUSE - NIGHT.

MARTA momentarily walks away from the house. She takes a few
steps, but, shortly after, she returns and sidles up to the
windows. She looks inside the house. She sees ANTONIO walking
followed by SILVIA. They seem to be arguing.
70.


Silvia cries nervously and Antonio puts his hands on her
shoulders in a gesture of calming her down. Marta sighs and
walks away from the house, this time for good.


72 INT. MARTA'S APARTMENT/FRONT DOOR - NIGHT.

MARTA opens the door and enters.


73 INT. MARTA'S APARTMENT/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT.

MARTA enters the living room and finds RODNEY sitting on the
sofa, and playing a soccer game on the console. Next to him
is TRUHAN, lying down. Marta makes a face of disgust when she
sees the dog on the couch. She is about to say something.
Then Rodney turns and looks at her. They look at each other
without saying anything. Marta leaves the living room, goes
to the bedroom and closes the door behind her.

FADE TO BLACK


74 INT. POLICE STATION - DAY.

JOAQUÍN approaches MARTA's table and places a sheet of paper
on top of it.

JOAQUÍN
Here it is.

Marta picks up the sheet of paper quickly and reads it.

MARTA
There are only three. Great.

JOAQUÍN
The last one may not be useful. She
left the PALNOS company three
months ago and applied for a visa
to China. But the name matches. Who
is this Natalia you are looking
for?

MARTA
I'll tell you if I can find her.

Marta gets up with the sheet of paper and leaves the police
station.
71.


75 EXT. STREET - DAY.

MARTA goes out to the street to smoke. She takes out a
cigarette and lights it. She looks at the list with the phone
numbers. She dials the first one on her cell phone and
listens to the ringtone until someone picks up.

NATALIA (OFF)
Who is it?

Marta remains silent for a moment. She hesitates before
answering.

MARTA
This is Martha. A friend of Irene.

NATALIA (OFF)
What do you want?

MARTA
I want to talk to you. Irene has
disappeared.

NATALIA (OFF)
I don't know where she is.

MARTA
Please. I just want to talk.

Natalia remains silent for a while. Marta can hear her
breathing.

NATALIA (OFF)
Alright. At six in cafe 221B. Do
you know where is it?

MARTA
Yes, I do. I was there with...

Natalia hangs up abruptly. Marta takes a long drag on her
cigarette and throws it on the floor.


76 INT. CAFE 221B - DAY.

MARTA waits sitting at a table, with a coffee cup. She
watches the customers come in, but none of them match
Natalia's description. A young woman arrives. She goes alone.
Marta doesn't see her face until she turns around.
72.


This is NATALIA (25) a young redhead with a somewhat exotic
beauty. Marta gestures with her hand and Natalia approaches
the table. While she does so, Natalia asks a WAITER (40) for
something and gestures to Marta's table.

MARTA
(standing up to greet)
Natalia?

Natalia nods affirmatively. They shake hands and sit down.
Marta notices a slight tremor in Natalia's hands, which she
tries to hide by hiding them under the table. Natalia does
not look directly at Marta. She keeps her gaze down or looks
sideways. The waiter brings her the drink and she takes a
long sip.

MARTA (CONT’D)
Thanks for coming.

Natalia shrugs her shoulders.

MARTA (CONT’D)
Irene told me that she had arranged
to meet a certain AmoDark at a
cottage. Does this name ring any
bells?

Hearing the mention of the cottage, Natalia raises the glass
to her mouth with a slight tremor and takes a sip.

MARTA (CONT’D)
On Monday we found AmoDark's body.
And no sign of Irene. I need your
help.

Natalia doesn't respond, she plays with the rings on her
fingers, she keeps turning them and moving them. Marta leans
her body forward.

MARTA (CONT’D)
Irene is my childhood friend. I
don't know what she has done. But I
want to find her.

Marta takes out her cell phone and shows her some photos of
the two of them together to prove that she is not lying.
Natalia looks at the photos without much interest and nods
reluctantly.
73.


NATALIA
I know the house. I have been there
on occasions.

MARTA
Along with Irene?

NATALIA
I don’t believe so. Irene didn't
even... She was a rookie. She
sometimes asked me to tell her some
things...

MARTA
What kind of things? Things you did
there?

NATALIA
That’s right. At first, I thought
it was just curiosity. Until I knew
that Irene's intention was
different.

MARTA
Different?

NATALIA
For her it was something personal.

MARTA
Did she have something against
AmoDark?

Natalia appears restless again, and plays with a silver
waning moon pendant that she wears around her neck.

NATALIA
No, she didn’t. He only served as a
bridge. Irene wanted to meet a
master who called himself Jota.

MARTA
Jota. Do you know him?

Natalia sighs without answering the question. She takes
another sip of her drink.
74.


NATALIA
Jota's fame precedes him.

MARTA
What do you mean?

NATALIA
He is a beast, the type of master
who takes domination far beyond the
norm.

MARTA
Have you been with him?

FLASHBACK.
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller","Crime"]

Summary Marta, desperate to locate her missing friend Irene, visits a police station and obtains a list of potential contacts. She reaches out to Natalia, one of the names on the list, and learns that Irene was interested in a dominant master named Jota. Natalia's reluctance and the ominous reputation of Jota heighten the suspense, leaving Marta with a growing sense of unease and a new lead to pursue.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing plot development
  • Suspenseful tone
Weaknesses
  • Some lack of clarity in character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, suspenseful, and sets up important plot points for the investigation into Irene's disappearance.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of meeting Natalia to gather information about Irene's involvement with AmoDark and Jota is intriguing and adds depth to the mystery.

Plot: 9

The plot thickens as Natalia reveals key details about Irene's intentions and connections, advancing the investigation and adding layers to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a complex web of relationships and motivations, with characters hiding their true intentions and revealing only fragments of the truth. The dialogue is cryptic and layered, adding depth to the characters' interactions.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Marta and Natalia are well-developed characters with distinct personalities and motivations, driving the scene forward.

Character Changes: 6

Natalia's revelations prompt Marta to reassess her understanding of Irene's situation, leading to a shift in her investigation approach.

Internal Goal: 8

Marta's internal goal in this scene is to find out more about Irene's disappearance and potentially uncover any hidden motives or connections that could lead her to Irene. This reflects her deep desire to protect her childhood friend and uncover the truth behind the mysterious events.

External Goal: 7.5

Marta's external goal in this scene is to gather information from Natalia about Irene's whereabouts and potential involvement with dangerous individuals. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in solving the mystery of Irene's disappearance and potentially dangerous connections.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict as Marta seeks answers from Natalia about Irene's disappearance, creating tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters hiding their true intentions and conflicting motivations that create tension and suspense. The audience is left unsure of how the characters' interactions will unfold, adding to the unpredictability of the scene.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Marta delves deeper into the mystery of Irene's disappearance, facing potential danger and uncovering dark secrets.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by uncovering crucial information about Irene's involvement with AmoDark and Jota.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' hidden motives and cryptic dialogue, which hint at deeper conflicts and connections that are yet to be revealed. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the characters' true intentions.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between loyalty to a friend and the pursuit of truth. Marta must balance her desire to protect Irene with her need to uncover the truth, even if it leads to uncomfortable revelations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of concern, intrigue, and suspense as the mystery deepens and new revelations come to light.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense, revealing, and propels the scene with important information and character interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its slow build-up of tension, cryptic dialogue, and hidden motives that keep the audience guessing. The interactions between characters reveal layers of complexity and intrigue, drawing the audience into the mystery.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, revealing information gradually and keeping the audience engaged. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its overall effectiveness in creating a mood of mystery and intrigue.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8.5

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue formatting. The transitions between locations are smooth and help to maintain the flow of the narrative.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure, moving between different locations and character interactions to build tension and suspense. The pacing is effective in revealing information gradually and keeping the audience engaged.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a bit of a jarring transition from the previous scene. The fact that Marta returns to Irene's parents' house after walking away feels a little forced and lacks motivation. Why is she so determined to see inside the house?
  • The scene with Marta and Rodney in the apartment feels rushed. The visual of Truhan on the couch is a bit of a cliche and doesn't add much to the scene. The brief silence between Marta and Rodney could be more impactful if it was elaborated upon, showing a deeper conflict or tension. The scene ends abruptly with Marta leaving for the bedroom.
  • The scene at the police station with Joaquín feels a bit expository and clunky. It provides information about Natalia and her past, but it lacks any real dramatic tension or conflict. The dialogue is also a bit on the nose, with Joaquín directly stating the information Marta needs.
  • The scene on the street with Marta calling Natalia could be made more compelling. Marta's hesitation before answering and her subsequent silence could be conveyed with more specific actions or reactions. The scene could also benefit from showing Marta's internal thoughts and anxieties.
  • The scene at Cafe 221B has some good moments, but it could be tightened. The description of Natalia's appearance and demeanor is a little too detailed and feels like it belongs in the character notes. The scene could also benefit from showing more of the interplay between Marta and Natalia, including their reactions and unspoken anxieties.
  • The flashback at the end of the scene feels abrupt and doesn't flow smoothly from the dialogue. It is unclear why the flashback is included at this point, and it doesn't advance the plot or provide any new insights into the characters. The flashback should be placed at a more appropriate moment in the story or reworked to better fit the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a more specific motivation for Marta's return to Irene's parents' house. Perhaps she has a hunch about the argument inside or wants to get a better sense of the family dynamic.
  • Develop the tension between Marta and Rodney in the apartment. Maybe Rodney has secrets he's hiding, or perhaps there's a deeper disagreement about their relationship. The silence between them could be filled with a sense of foreboding.
  • Make the scene at the police station more dynamic. Instead of having Joaquín directly give Marta the information, consider having a more nuanced exchange where they debate the usefulness of the names on the list. This could provide more insight into Marta's investigative techniques and reveal her frustration with the bureaucratic process.
  • Show Marta's anxieties and internal thoughts during the phone call with Natalia. Perhaps she is wrestling with the guilt of not being able to protect Irene or the fear of what she might discover about her friend's past. Visualizing these thoughts would add depth to her character.
  • Tighten the description of Natalia at the cafe and focus on showing her reactions to Marta's questions. Show her nervousness and reluctance through her body language and actions. This will create a more compelling and engaging scene.
  • Remove the abrupt flashback or rework it to better integrate it with the dialogue. Perhaps Natalia mentions something that triggers a memory of her past experiences with Jota, or the scene could be used to show a subtle visual parallel between Irene's current situation and Natalia's past.



Scene 22 -  Dangerous Discoveries
77 INT. JOTA’S HOUSE/BDSM ROOM - DAY.

LUNA is standing, her wrists and ankles shackled. Around her
neck she wears a silver waning moon pendant. JOTA is in front
of her. He is piercing her breasts with pins. Luna screams
and writhes in spasms of pain.

END FLASHBACK.


78 INT. CAFÉ 221B - DAY.

NATALIA tucks the pendant inside her shirt and looks away
from MARTA.

NATALIA
I've already talked too much. I
have to go.

Natalia finishes her drink and takes her purse out of her
bag.

MARTA
Don’t. It’s on me.

NATALIA
I prefer not to owe you anything.

Natalia puts a ten-euro bill on top of the table and leaves
the premises. Marta stays seated at the table and watches her
leave.
75.


For a moment she follows her figure walking down the street
through the glass window, until she loses sight of her.


79 INT. CYBERSECURITY UNIT - DAY.

MARTA enters the room where she finds PABLO concentrated on
the screen of one of his computers. Seeing her enter, he
smiles.

PABLO
I haven't been able to find much
about the username Irene used. She
followed several masters.

MARTA
May I see that?

Pablo gestures for her to sit next to him.

PABLO
Take a look. Irene called herself
SubmissiveSoul. She maintained more
or less regular contact with
AmoDark.

MARTA
Are you sure that alias is Irene's?

Pablo nods affirmatively.

PABLO
I found private messages about the
last weekend’s meeting. They also
mention two other people.

MARTA
Who?

PABLO
They talk about another submissive.
They call her Persephone. Although
I have not found any user that
matches to that alias. And they
also mention another master.
76.


MARTA
Then there were more people invited
to the meeting. Who was the other
master?

PABLO
A certain Jota. A strange name for
a master.

MARTA
(excited)
Show me his profile.

Pablo looks for it. The user in question uses a Jack of
Spades as an avatar. The finding makes Marta’s face brighten
up.

MARTA (CONT’D)
I need to find out who is behind
that alias.

PABLO
Why?

MARTA
He must be a fucking sadist. A
friend of Irene told me about him.
Her voice was shaking just
mentioning him. Give me his name
and I will ask for authorization to
investigate him.

PABLO
If I do, can I have a date with
you?

Marta looks at him harshly.

PABLO (CONT’D)
Okay. I had to try it.

Pablo types on the computer. Marta looks at the time on her
cell phone. It's 12. Marta waits patiently.
Genres: ["Thriller","Crime","Drama"]

Summary Luna is tortured by Jota in a BDSM room while Natalia abruptly leaves a cafe after a conversation with Marta. Marta and Pablo discuss usernames related to a BDSM meeting in a cybersecurity unit, hinting at potential danger or mystery. The scene ends with Marta waiting for Pablo to find information on the mysterious user named Jota.
Strengths
  • Intriguing plot development
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Tension-filled dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Limited exploration of emotional depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is gripping, filled with tension, and advances the plot significantly.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of investigating a disappearance involving BDSM elements and cyber investigation is unique and engaging.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate, with multiple layers of mystery and suspense that keep the audience hooked.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique and dark themes related to BDSM culture, power dynamics, and the pursuit of justice. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the overall sense of mystery and suspense.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed and add depth to the scene, especially Marta and Pablo.

Character Changes: 7

Marta shows determination and resourcefulness in her quest to find Irene, showcasing character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Marta's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the identity of the mysterious master, Jota, and investigate his connection to Irene. This reflects her desire for justice and closure regarding Irene's involvement in the BDSM community.

External Goal: 7

Marta's external goal is to obtain authorization to investigate Jota and uncover his true identity. This goal reflects the immediate challenge she faces in solving the mystery surrounding Irene's disappearance.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

There is a high level of conflict, both internal and external, driving the investigation forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Marta facing challenges in her investigation and encountering obstacles in her pursuit of justice.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of a missing person, potential danger, and dark secrets add intensity to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by uncovering new leads and deepening the mystery.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in the plot, the revelation of new information, and the shifting power dynamics between characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of power dynamics, control, and the darker aspects of human nature. Marta's pursuit of justice and her willingness to confront sadistic individuals like Jota challenges her beliefs about morality and the nature of human relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from suspense to intrigue to concern for the characters involved.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and serves to move the investigation forward, revealing crucial information.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, suspenseful plot developments, and complex character dynamics.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building suspense and tension, with a balance of dialogue, action, and plot revelations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, moving between different locations and character interactions to build suspense and intrigue.


Critique
  • The flashback in this scene is jarring and doesn't flow well with the dialogue between Marta and Natalia. It feels like an attempt to add suspense, but the pacing is off, and the visual imagery isn't strong enough to create a lasting impact.
  • The dialogue between Marta and Natalia feels rushed and forced. There's a lack of natural back and forth, and the scene feels more like an information dump than a genuine conversation.
  • The transition between the flashback and the cafe scene is abrupt. The scene would benefit from a more seamless transition, perhaps a reaction shot of Marta after the flashback or a subtle visual cue.
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven. The flashback is short and abrupt, while the conversation with Natalia feels drawn out and uneventful.
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose. While the information about Jota is significant, the scene doesn't fully explore the tension between Marta and Natalia, leaving the audience with a sense of incompleteness.
  • The ending of the scene, where Pablo tries to flirt with Marta, feels out of place and undermines the seriousness of the situation. The comedic element clashes with the overall tone of the investigation.
  • The scene suffers from a lack of visual detail. There's no description of the cafe's atmosphere, the characters' expressions, or the overall mood, making it difficult for the reader to visualize the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider removing the flashback entirely or integrating it more organically into the scene. Perhaps Marta could react to a specific detail mentioned by Natalia, triggering a memory of the scene.
  • Develop the dialogue between Marta and Natalia. Explore their dynamic more deeply, adding tension and uncertainty to the conversation.
  • Create a more seamless transition between the flashback and the cafe scene. You could use a visual cue, such as a reaction shot of Marta, a change in music, or a subtle shift in lighting.
  • Consider adding a visual element to the scene, such as a close-up on Natalia's face or a shot of the cafe's interior, to give the scene more depth and texture.
  • Explore the tension between Marta and Natalia in more detail. This could involve revealing Natalia's possible involvement in Jota's activities or exploring her reluctance to share more information.
  • Remove the flirtatious ending with Pablo. Instead, focus on Marta's determination to investigate Jota, leaving the audience with a sense of anticipation and urgency.



Scene 23 -  Betrayal and Frustration
80 INT. CYBERSECURITY UNIT - DAY.

Marta looks at the time on her cell phone again. It’s 12:35.
PABLO leans back in his seat.
77.


He presses a key on the computer and a file appears on the
screen. From his seat, Pablo turns to Marta.

PABLO
You've been lucky: it hasn't been
easy, but I've done it.

Marta smiles happily. Her eyes shine. She gets up, looks at
the screen and sees Jota's personal data sheet: his photo,
his full name, date of birth and his address. Marta takes a
notebook and a pen that Pablo has on the table, she
impetuously writes down some information and tears off the
page.

MARTA
I catch you!

PABLO
And now what?

MARTA
I'm going to show this to my boss.

Marta hurriedly heads to the exit.

PABLO
You’re welcome!

Marta retraces her steps, leans over Pablo and kisses him. He
is stunned. After that, without saying a word, Marta leaves
the room.


81 INT. MARTA'S APARTMENT/LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - DAY.

RODNEY is cooking lunch. MARTA arrives angry. She
disdainfully throws the bag on the living room table and it
falls to the floor. TRUHAN comes to sniff her and Marta
scares him away. She is tense.

RODNEY
A bad day?

MARTA
I found out that there was another
guy in the house with Marta.

RODNEY
Is that bad news?
78.


MARTA
The bad news is that my superiors
have denied my request to
investigate him. They say I have no
solid evidence against him.

Rodney takes the pan off the heat. He drinks from a can of
beer that he has open on the counter.

MARTA (CONT’D)
Fuck them! They won't stop me. I
want to stand in front of that guy.
I thought you could...

RODNEY
What?

MARTA
Damn! You work at the Ministry of
the Interior. You could help me.

RODNEY
What do you want me to do? I am a
government official, not a police
officer.

MARTA
But you have direct access to the
CEO, right? Well, tell him about
the case. Let him know that this
son of a bitch is still free
because someone from the police
force protects him.

RODNEY
I don’t think it's a good idea.

MARTA
(raising the tone)
Why are you so fucking cowardly?
What are you afraid of?

RODNEY
It's not because of me and you know
it.

Marta is furious. Rodney takes a sip from the can of beer.
Marta slaps him and the can falls to the ground.
79.


RODNEY (CONT’D)
(angry)
What the fuck is wrong with you?

Marta leaves the kitchen and picks up her bag from the floor.
She heads to the exit.

RODNEY (CONT’D)
Are you going to eat at home?

Marta slams the door. Rodney sighs. He bends down to pick up
the can from the floor.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Pablo helps Marta retrieve personal information on Jota, which she plans to report to her boss. After kissing Pablo, Marta returns home and argues with Rodney about his lack of support in her investigation. The scene ends with Marta storming out of the apartment after slapping Rodney in frustration.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Limited exploration of Rodney's perspective
  • Slightly abrupt transitions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the tension and emotional turmoil experienced by Marta, engaging the audience with its strong character dynamics and plot development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a determined detective facing challenges in her investigation is well-executed, drawing the audience into the complexities of the case and the characters involved.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Marta uncovers crucial information and faces setbacks, adding depth to the narrative and building suspense for the audience.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the detective genre by focusing on a cybersecurity unit and personal relationships. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Marta and Rodney, are well-developed and their interactions add layers to the scene, showcasing their emotions, motivations, and conflicts.

Character Changes: 7

Marta experiences a shift in her emotions and determination throughout the scene, showcasing her growth and resilience in the face of challenges.

Internal Goal: 8

Marta's internal goal is to catch the person she suspects is involved in a crime. This reflects her desire for justice and her need to prove herself in her job.

External Goal: 7

Marta's external goal is to get help from Rodney to investigate the suspect. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in gathering evidence and taking action.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Marta's determination to investigate and the obstacles she faces, including her frustration with her superiors and Rodney, adds intensity to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Marta facing resistance from Rodney and her superiors, adding complexity to her journey.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of uncovering the truth behind Irene's disappearance and the murder investigation intensify the scene, adding urgency and suspense to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing crucial information, advancing the investigation, and deepening the audience's engagement with the plot.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in Marta's actions and Rodney's reactions, adding tension and uncertainty to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Marta's sense of justice and Rodney's reluctance to get involved due to his position. This challenges Marta's beliefs about doing what is right and the consequences of taking action.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact of Marta's frustration, anger, and determination resonates with the audience, drawing them into the character's struggles and motivations.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and tensions between the characters, driving the scene forward and revealing their personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its high stakes, emotional conflict, and fast-paced dialogue, keeping the audience invested in Marta's journey.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and intense, building tension and keeping the audience engaged in the characters' conflicts.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup, conflict, and resolution, fitting the expected format for a suspenseful drama.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Marta checking her phone, which feels like a repetitive action given the previous scene's focus on her waiting for information. It could be more impactful if this information was communicated in the previous scene.
  • Pablo's line 'You've been lucky: it hasn't been easy, but I've done it' feels like a cliché, particularly the 'it hasn't been easy' part. It could be more specific about the challenges he faced.
  • The kiss between Marta and Pablo feels abrupt and unconvincing. It's unclear why they would suddenly kiss, especially after their previous interactions. The scene would benefit from a more gradual build-up of romantic tension.
  • The scene jumps to Marta's apartment without a clear transition. A scene break with a visual cue (like a shot of Marta driving to her apartment) would help to bridge the gap between the two locations.
  • The dialogue between Marta and Rodney feels repetitive and lacks tension. Marta's frustration at her superiors feels like a rehash of previous scenes. The conflict between them feels underdeveloped, lacking a clear driving force.
  • The scene relies heavily on exposition to convey the plot points. Marta's outburst about her superiors denying her request and her reliance on Rodney's position feels like information dumping instead of natural dialogue.
Suggestions
  • Consider removing the opening scene with Marta checking her phone. You could condense this information into the previous scene, highlighting Pablo's efforts and Marta's anticipation.
  • Rework Pablo's line to be more specific about the challenges he faced in obtaining Jota's information. For example, 'It took a bit of digging, but I managed to find his profile'.
  • Develop the romantic tension between Marta and Pablo before the kiss. Perhaps incorporate subtle gestures or dialogue hinting at their attraction.
  • Use a transition scene between the cybersecurity unit and Marta's apartment. This could be a short scene of Marta driving, giving her some time for internal reflection.
  • Develop the conflict between Marta and Rodney. Explore the reasons for his reluctance to help, and add more tension to their interaction. Perhaps he has a personal reason for not wanting to get involved.
  • Show, don't tell. Instead of explicitly stating Marta's frustration, explore it through her actions and dialogue. Perhaps she throws a notebook or slams a cabinet door.
  • Think about how this scene contributes to the overall narrative. It feels like a scene that primarily serves to move the plot forward instead of exploring character depth or raising stakes.



Scene 24 -  Ambushed and Injured
82 EXT. STREET - DAY.

MARTA drives through an upper-middle class residential
neighborhood, which has single-family homes with garden areas
and a swimming pool.


83 INT. MARTA'S CAR - DAY.

MARTA parks her car on the sidewalk in front of a house.
Without getting out of the car, she watches the entrance. She
waits patiently until she sees JOTA leave the house and get
into a high-end car. She starts following him.


84 INT. JOTA'S CAR - DAY.

JOTA looks in the rearview mirror and sees MARTA's car. He
speeds up slightly.


85 INT. MARTA’S CAR - DAY.

MARTA follows JOTA without losing sight of him. At one point,
Jota's car drives away, and Marta has to speed up.


86 INT. JOTA’S CAR - DAY.

JOTA takes a detour that leads him to an area with little-
traveled streets, and yet, when he looks in the rearview
mirror, the MARTA car continues behind him, at some distance.
Jota continues driving until he reaches an industrial estate.
He parks at the door of a warehouse and gets out of his car.
80.


87 EXT. INDUSTRIAL ESTATE - DAY.

MARTA parks a few meters from JOTA's car. It's getting dark
and the warehouses are already closed. There's almost no one
there. Marta has seen Jota turn down a street. She walks
there and looks out cautiously. She doesn't see anyone.

She continues walking and, suddenly, Jota appears behind her
and hits her with a bar. The blow hits her in the collarbone
and Marta falls to the ground. Still conscious, she turns
around just before Jota delivers a second blow with the bar,
which hits the ground. Marta jumps up and pulls the gun. Upon
seeing it, Jota runs away.

Marta tries to run after him, but the pain stops her. Marta
touches her collarbone. The pain is very strong and she lets
Jota go away. There is no one around her. She returns to her
car and starts it with a grimace of pain.


88 INT. HOSPITAL/TRAUMATOLOGY - NIGHT.

A FEMALE DOCTOR (32) attends to MARTA. She is placing a sling
on her.

FEMALE DOCTOR
You've been very lucky. The break
has been clean and will be welded
without much difficulty.

MARTA
How long do I have to wear this?

FEMALE DOCTOR
At least a month. Don't make any
effort. Visit your family doctor to
request the medical leave.

MARTA
Medical leave?

FEMALE DOCTOR
Duh! You're not going to work like
that, are you? We are done here.

Marta snorts. She gets up from the stretcher.

MARTA
Thank you.
81.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Marta pursues a suspect, Jota, to an industrial estate. Jota ambushes her, striking her with a metal bar, causing a broken collarbone. Marta fights back, forcing Jota to flee. She is treated at a hospital, where a doctor sets her collarbone and advises her to take medical leave.
Strengths
  • Intense confrontation
  • Character development
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Slightly predictable dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, suspenseful, and emotionally charged, keeping the audience engaged with the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Marta tracking down Jota and confronting him adds depth to the investigation plotline, highlighting the risks involved in her pursuit of justice.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as Marta's encounter with Jota raises the stakes and adds a layer of danger to the investigation.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar scenario of surveillance and confrontation but adds a twist with the unexpected physical altercation and Marta's decision to let Jota go.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Marta's character is further developed through her determination and willingness to confront danger for the sake of her investigation. Jota's character adds a sense of threat and mystery to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Marta's character undergoes a change as she faces physical danger and injury, showcasing her bravery and commitment to the investigation.

Internal Goal: 8

Marta's internal goal is to uncover the truth about Jota's actions and intentions. This reflects her need for justice and closure, as well as her desire to protect herself and others from harm.

External Goal: 7

Marta's external goal is to follow and confront Jota, leading to a physical altercation. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in trying to uncover the truth and protect herself.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Marta and Jota escalates to a physical confrontation, heightening the tension and suspense in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Jota posing a physical threat to Marta and creating uncertainty about the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Marta confronts Jota, risking her safety in pursuit of justice and answers about Irene's disappearance.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new level of danger and suspense, pushing Marta closer to uncovering the truth about Irene's disappearance.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected physical confrontation and Marta's decision to let Jota go.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of justice, revenge, and self-preservation. Marta's actions challenge the values of violence and deceit that Jota represents.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes shock, concern, and determination in the audience, creating an emotional connection to the characters and their struggles.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is straightforward and serves the purpose of advancing the plot and revealing character motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, suspenseful moments, and emotional impact on the protagonist.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension and suspense, leading to a climactic confrontation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and logical progression, building tension and conflict effectively.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a lot of exposition, showing Marta following Jota and him taking a detour. This could be condensed to create a more direct and exciting start to the action.
  • The scene lacks tension. We know Marta is investigating Jota, but the build-up to their encounter is slow and predictable. The audience is aware of what's going to happen.
  • The fight scene is clunky and unengaging. There's not much detail about the fight itself, and the description of Jota's escape feels anticlimactic.
  • The scene feels like a missed opportunity to showcase Marta's resourcefulness and skills as a police officer. While we see her draw her gun, the fight is more about her getting hurt than her using her training to apprehend Jota.
  • The dialogue between Marta and the female doctor feels generic and lacks any character development or insight. It is mostly exposition about Marta's injury.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Marta leaving the hospital. There is no sense of closure or a clear transition to the next scene.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one is jarring. The previous scene ended with Marta leaving her apartment, and this one begins with her following Jota in her car. It would be helpful to bridge the gap with a transition shot or a line of dialogue to create a smoother flow.
Suggestions
  • Consider using flashbacks or dream sequences to showcase Marta's motivations and her growing suspicion of Jota. This would provide more context and intrigue for the audience.
  • Focus on the emotional impact of the fight scene. How does Marta feel when she gets hit? What thoughts go through her mind? Show her resilience and determination to catch Jota.
  • Increase the stakes of the scene. Instead of just showing Jota attacking Marta, make it a life-or-death situation. Perhaps he has a weapon or is trying to kidnap her.
  • Add dialogue to the fight scene to create more tension and suspense. It could be a brief exchange of words between Jota and Marta, or a monologue from Marta as she fights.
  • Use visual elements to enhance the scene. Show the intensity of the fight scene through close-ups, slow-motion shots, and dynamic camera angles.
  • Consider adding a scene of Marta getting help after she gets injured. This would show her resourcefulness and create a sense of urgency as she tries to get back on her feet.
  • Add a scene of Marta visiting a police station or her partner to report her encounter with Jota. This would provide an opportunity for her to strategize and move forward with her investigation.



Scene 25 -  A Rift in the Investigation
89 INT. HOSPITAL/WAITING ROOM - NIGHT.

RODNEY is sitting in the waiting room. He sees MARTA leave
the doctor’s office and gets up. He approaches Marta and
takes her hand. Marta leans over him and rests her head on
his shoulder.


90 EXT. MARTA’S CAR - NIGHT.

RODNEY drives MARTA's car and they arrive home together.
Rodney parks and they get out of the car.


91 INT. MARTA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT.

MARTA is sitting on the sofa. RODNEY brings her a drink in a
glass.

MARTA
Thanks.

RODNEY
Are you going to tell me what
happened?

MARTA
Nothing. It was an accident.

RODNEY
Of course not. You went out looking
for that guy. I'm wrong?

MARTA
No, you're not wrong.

Rodney is angry with Marta. He moves from side to side
nervously and makes gestures.

RODNEY
This cannot go on like this.

MARTA
(raising the tone of
voice)
So? What do you want me to do?
82.


RODNEY
To begin with, do not go against
the rules, and even less so if it
is at the cost of your own physical
health.

MARTA
You're going to have to be patient.

RODNEY
I already have been. And look at
the result. You have to stop,
Marta. Let others deal with this.

MARTA
I can't. Not now. It's him, Rodney.
I'm sure. Now that I've seen him, I
know.

RODNEY
What the fuck do you think you
know?

MARTA
Jota killed the other master. And
he did something to Irene.

RODNEY
Those are speculations. All this is
nothing but a challenge to you. A
game that you want to solve alone.
But you know what? This case is
beyond you.

Rodney leaves the room. Marta is left alone. She closes her
eyes and rubs them with her hand.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Returning home after a doctor's visit, Rodney confronts Marta for ignoring his warnings and putting herself in danger by pursuing the Jota investigation. Marta insists that she's certain Jota killed the other master and harmed Irene, but Rodney dismisses her claims as speculation and her desire to solve the case alone. Their clash leaves Marta alone and the tension unresolved as Rodney exits their apartment.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Character development
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly repetitive or melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion, advancing the plot significantly while highlighting character dynamics and internal conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a detective pursuing a dangerous suspect against advice is well-executed, adding depth to the narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot progresses significantly with key revelations about the case and Marta's personal involvement, keeping the audience engaged.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a compelling mystery and explores themes of justice and personal sacrifice in a unique and engaging way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and true to their motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character development is strong, especially in Marta's determination and Rodney's concern for her well-being.

Character Changes: 7

Marta undergoes a significant emotional journey, showcasing her determination and defiance in the face of obstacles.

Internal Goal: 8

Marta's internal goal is to seek justice and closure for past events. She is driven by a desire to solve a mystery and confront a dangerous individual.

External Goal: 7

Marta's external goal is to uncover the truth behind the mysterious events and protect herself and others from harm.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Marta's pursuit of justice and Rodney's concern for her safety creates a compelling dynamic that drives the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations driving the conflict between Marta and Rodney.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Marta confronts a dangerous suspect and faces personal risks in her pursuit of justice.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by revealing crucial information about the case and Marta's personal involvement.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters and the unexpected revelations about the mystery at hand.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of justice, loyalty, and personal responsibility. Marta's desire to seek justice clashes with Rodney's concern for her safety and well-being.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact is high, particularly in Marta's frustration and determination, as well as the strained relationship with Rodney.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys tension and conflict between Marta and Rodney, enhancing the emotional impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high emotional stakes, tense dialogue, and compelling mystery at its core.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective, building tension and suspense through well-paced dialogue and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and effective scene transitions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and effective structure, moving seamlessly between locations and building tension through dialogue and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene feels a bit rushed and lacks the emotional impact that a scene where two characters are arguing about a serious issue should have. The dialogue feels clunky in places and doesn't fully convey the characters' emotions.
  • The scene starts with a moment of intimacy, which is a little incongruous with the argument that follows. The transition from the hospital waiting room to the apartment feels abrupt. The scene needs more visual details to help the reader understand the emotions and actions of the characters.
  • The scene ends abruptly. While it is clear Rodney is angry and leaving, it would be more impactful if there was some sense of Marta's emotional reaction to Rodney leaving her alone. Instead, we get a line about her closing her eyes and rubbing them with her hand, which is a bit vague and doesn't show her emotional state.
  • The characters feel a little flat. We don't get a sense of their emotional vulnerability or the depth of their relationship. There's little nuance in their interaction.
  • The scene doesn't fully advance the plot. We already know Marta is convinced Jota is involved in Irene's disappearance, and Rodney's opposition to her investigation isn't new. This scene could be used to explore the emotional fallout of Marta's injury or the growing tension in their relationship, but it doesn't do either effectively.
Suggestions
  • Show, don't tell. Use physical actions and dialogue to convey Marta's emotional state after being injured. What are her facial expressions like? How is her hand shaking? What does she do with the drink Rodney gives her?
  • Explore the tension between Marta and Rodney more deeply. What are their past experiences that lead to their current disagreement? What are their individual motivations? What are their fears and frustrations?
  • Add more visual details. How is the apartment lit? What are the sounds of the apartment? How does the apartment reflect Marta's state of mind? What does the apartment look like? Are there any clues about their relationship?
  • End the scene on a stronger note. Instead of Marta rubbing her eyes, show her reaction to Rodney leaving. How does she feel? What does she do? Does she follow him out? Does she call out to him? Does she start to cry? Does she start looking for clues?
  • Consider adding flashbacks or dream sequences to explore the backstory of Marta and Rodney's relationship. This could provide insights into their dynamic and create a more nuanced portrayal of their emotional conflict.
  • Add a scene between Marta and her doctor in which she discusses her injury and the doctor’s concerns. This scene could add more depth to the story and provide insight into Marta’s physical and emotional state.



Scene 26 -  The Truth About Luna
92 INT. NATALIA'S APARTMENT - DAY.

NATALIA hears the doorbell and goes to answer it. When she
opens the door, she sees MARTA. She gets scared and tries to
close it. Then Marta blocks the door from closing and kicks
it open. She rushes in and slams the door behind her. With
her good hand, she draws her gun and points it at Natalia.

MARTA
Let’s go inside!
83.


Natalia walks in front of Marta. They arrive at the living
room. Marta pushes Natalia, who falls on the sofa.

MARTA (CONT’D)
Now you are going to tell me what
you really know.

NATALIA
I already told you everything I
know.

In an outburst, Natalia throws the decorative objects on the
living room table to the floor.

MARTA
Listen. I'm very angry; so, don't
waste my time.

NATALIA
(scared)
What do you want to know?

MARTA
Tell me about Jota.

NATALIA
I already told you. He is a sadist,
capable of anything.

MARTA
Does that include killing? Am I
right? Do you know if he has ever
done it?

Natalia sobs. She nods affirmatively.

MARTA (CONT’D)
When? Who are his victims? I want
facts, not vague words!

NATALIA
Those girls have no names. They are
the type of women that, if they
disappear, no one would ask about
them.
84.


MARTA
How did they get to Jota? How did
they contact him?

NATALIA
Jota uses third parties to recruit
them. There was a girl, one of her
submissives, who was in charge of
looking for them.

MARTA
And what’s the catch? What do they
offer them?

NATALIA
He pays very well. And the longer
you are able to resist, the more
money.

MARTA
I got it. How long did those
sessions usually last?

NATALIA
There is nothing predetermined. It
all depends on how rushed you are.

MARTA
Were you at any of those meetings?

NATALIA
Just once. That was enough for me.

MARTA
What happened?

NATALIA
I went there with a friend. That
didn’t go well for either of us.
But she...

MARTA
Did he kill her?

Natalia nods yes. She covers her face with her hands.
85.


MARTA (CONT’D)
Why did Irene want to meet Jota?
She didn't need money.

Natalia uncovers her face and stares at Marta.

NATALIA
The girl who died was Irene's
girlfriend. Her name was Luna.

FLASHBACK.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Marta, wielding a gun, confronts Natalia in her apartment, demanding information about Jota's violent tendencies and victims. Despite her fear, Natalia reveals Jota's methods of recruiting women and his history of violence. She confirms that Jota has killed before and reveals that Irene's girlfriend, Luna, was one of his victims, leaving Marta with a new lead and a deeper understanding of Jota's cruelty.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Revealing secrets
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity in certain character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is gripping, emotionally charged, and reveals crucial information that propels the story forward. The intense tone and high stakes make it a standout moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the dangerous world of sadism and murder, as well as the hidden connections between characters, is intriguing and adds depth to the storyline.

Plot: 9

The plot thickens as dark secrets are revealed, leading to a deeper understanding of the characters and their motivations. The scene advances the investigation and adds layers of complexity to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the crime genre by focusing on the moral dilemma faced by the protagonist. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' emotions and motivations are well-developed, especially Marta and Natalia, who reveal crucial information that drives the plot forward. Their interactions add depth to the story.

Character Changes: 8

Marta undergoes a transformation as she uncovers dark truths and confronts Natalia. Her determination and resolve are tested, leading to a shift in her character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

Natalia's internal goal in this scene is to protect herself and survive the confrontation with Marta. This reflects her deeper need for safety and security, as well as her fear of being harmed or killed.

External Goal: 7

Natalia's external goal in this scene is to provide Marta with information about Jota and his criminal activities. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing of being threatened with a gun and interrogated by Marta.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Marta and Natalia, as well as the revelation of dark secrets and past events, creates a high level of tension and suspense in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Marta posing a significant threat to Natalia's safety. The audience is unsure of how the confrontation will unfold, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of murder, sadism, and hidden secrets raise the tension and suspense in the scene. The characters' lives are at risk, and the outcome could have far-reaching consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about Jota, Irene, and the mysterious disappearance. It sets the stage for further developments and intensifies the investigation.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the dialogue and actions of the characters. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome of the confrontation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the moral dilemma of revealing information about criminal activities in exchange for her own safety. This challenges Natalia's beliefs about loyalty and self-preservation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact of the scene is significant, with fear, anger, and sadness evoked through the characters' interactions and revelations. The audience is emotionally invested in the outcome.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is intense, emotional, and reveals key information about the characters and their connections. The exchanges between Marta and Natalia drive the scene's tension and suspense.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, dramatic tension, and emotional intensity. The conflict between the characters keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, as well as revealing information at a steady pace. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting. The scene is easy to follow and visually engaging.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a tense confrontation scene in a crime thriller genre. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • This scene starts strong with Marta's forceful entry and the tension of her pointing a gun at Natalia, but it quickly loses momentum. The dialogue feels repetitive and lacks the punch needed to drive the story forward. The scene is heavy-handed in conveying Marta's anger, which feels like a shortcut rather than a nuanced portrayal.
  • The information about Jota and his methods feels like a dump of exposition rather than organically revealed details. Natalia's knowledge of Jota's crimes and his modus operandi feels like a plot contrivance, as if the writer needed to provide Marta with information for the sake of the narrative.
  • The flashback to the scene where Natalia and her friend met Jota feels awkwardly placed. It interrupts the flow of the conversation between Marta and Natalia, and the information delivered through the flashback could have been more effectively integrated into their dialogue.
  • The scene's ending, with Natalia revealing that Luna was Irene's girlfriend, feels anticlimactic. It lacks the weight and emotional impact that a crucial reveal like this should have. The dialogue around this revelation is also rather flat and could be more impactful.
  • The scene relies heavily on dialogue and lacks strong visual elements to enhance the tension and emotional weight of the moment. A good scene uses both words and visuals to deliver the story.
Suggestions
  • Instead of focusing solely on Marta's anger, try to showcase her determination and strategic thinking. Show her using her skills to get information from Natalia, not just brute force.
  • Consider breaking up the exposition about Jota and his methods into smaller, more organic moments. Interweave these details with the dialogue and actions of the characters, making them feel less forced and more natural.
  • Explore Natalia's internal conflict and fear. She is clearly scared of Jota, but she also seems to be keeping secrets. Show us why she is hesitant to talk, and what she is afraid of.
  • Use visuals to enhance the scene's tension. A close-up on Natalia's face, a low angle shot of Marta pointing her gun, or a slow zoom into an object that signifies Jota's presence could add depth and visual intrigue.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to be more impactful and emotionally charged. Use sharp, concise language that reflects the gravity of the situation and the characters' emotions. Focus on the characters' inner struggles and motivations, and explore their relationships with each other.
  • Consider altering the flashback. Instead of showing the flashback directly, perhaps it could be a memory Natalia has that she describes to Marta. This would allow for more subtle revealing of details and a more natural integration of the past event into the present scene.



Scene 27 -  Tragic Revelation
93 INT. JOTA’S HOUSE/BDSM ROOM - DAY.

LUNA is standing, her wrists and ankles shackled. Around her
neck she wears a silver waning moon pendant. JOTA is in front
of her. He is piercing her breasts with pins. Luna screams
and writhes in spasms of pain. Jota penetrates her. While he
does this, he covers her nose and mouth with his hand. Luna's
face turns red. She can't breathe. Jota releases her and Luna
catches her breath with difficulty.

END FLASHBACK.


94 INT. NATALIA'S APARTMENT - DAY.

NATALIA's eyes are bathed in tears.

MARTA
But you didn't do anything to help
Luna?

NATALIA
(sobbing)
Jota likes erotic asphyxiation
games. No one imagined that it
would end like this.

FLASHBACK.


95 INT. JOTA’S HOUSE/BDSM ROOM - DAY.

LUNA has a plastic bag over her head. Her head is tilted and
her body falls inert, suspended from her wrists by shackles.
Feminine hands remove her waning moon pendant.
86.


END FLASHBACK.


96 INT. NATALIA'S APARTMENT - DAY.

MARTA is shocked, she puts away her gun and falls on the
couch next to NATALIA.

MARTA
What happened after?

NATALIA
I was so frightened. I shit myself.
Jota laughed when he saw me and
threatened to kill me if I reported
what happened. I left there and
deleted all my BDSM contacts. I
haven't done it again.

Marta approaches Natalia. She lifts her head and makes her
look directly into her eyes.

MARTA
Did you tell Irene?

Natalia cries and nods affirmatively.

NATALIA
Irene was devastated. She couldn't
conceive that Luna had left without
telling her anything. The three of
us were very close.

MARTA
Did Irene also play those games?

FLASHBACK.


97 INT. NATALIA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT.

IRENE is on her knees painting the toenails of LUNA, who is
sitting on a double bed.

NATALIA (OFF)
Sometimes we did it together.
87.


Luna puts her foot in Irene's mouth and she kisses it.
NATALIA observes the scene from the door and, timidly,
approaches them. Seeing her, LUNA makes an imperative gesture
for her to leave. NATALIA leaves and closes the door. She
drops to the floor with her back against the wall and cries
silently. She scratches her arms with her nails until she
bleeds.

END FLASHBACK.


98 INT. NATALIA'S APARTMENT - DAY.

NATALIA looked away, avoiding eye contact with MARTA.

NATALIA
Luna played the role of mistress.
She was the submissive queen. With
us, she was only the queen.

MARTA
Who put Irene in touch with Jota?

Natalia puts her hands over her face.

NATALIA
Irene wanted to meet him and asked
Luna to set up her with him.

MARTA
And did she?

NATALIA
At first, she didn't want to. Then
she put her to a test.

MARTA
What kind of test?

FLASHBACK.


99 INT.-EXT. IRENE'S CAR/POLYGON - NIGHT

IRENE drives her car. Next to her, LUNA is sitting.

NATALIA (OFF)
Luna wanted to know how far Irene
was capable of going.
88.


The car enters an industrial area full of half-naked
prostitutes.

LUNA
Pull over here.

Irene stops her car.

LUNA (CONT’D)
Take off your clothes and go out
there.

Irene obeys. It doesn't take long when a car stops in front
of Irene. Luna observes the scene from inside the vehicle.
The man in the car gives Irene a bill, gets out of his car
and has sex with her. Luna watches with a satisfied face.

END FLASHBACK.


100 INT. NATALIA'S APARTMENT - DAY.

MARTA looks at NATALIA with distrust.

MARTA
Was it Irene who told you that?

Natalia shakes her head negatively.

NATALIA
It was Luna. Although Irene was
ahead. She wanted to humiliate her
in front of me. But it was me who
suffered with that story.

MARTA
Why?

NATALIA
Because I would do anything for
Irene. However, she only had eyes
for Luna. She was so jealous that
she wished...

MARTA
Her death?

Natalia sobs.
89.


NATALIA
I thought I could take Luna's
place. But Irene didn't love me, at
least not like she loved her. It
was she who insisted.

MARTA
Why? Was she planning to get
revenge??

NATALIA
(haltingly)
I don't know... I told her to stop
that, I swear... I...

Natalia ends up breaking down. Marta feels sorry for her and
puts her hand on her shoulder.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In Jota's house, Luna is tragically subjected to erotic asphyxiation games by Jota, leading to her death. Natalia recounts the events to Marta, revealing Irene's involvement in setting up the encounter. The scene is filled with dark and intense emotions, with Natalia expressing guilt and remorse over the situation. The conflict remains unresolved as Natalia breaks down emotionally at the end.
Strengths
  • Revealing dark secrets
  • Emotional depth
  • Intense confrontations
  • Shocking revelations
  • Complex character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potential for triggering content
  • Complexity of themes may require careful handling

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, revealing crucial information about the characters and their motivations. The emotional intensity, shocking revelations, and dark themes make it a standout moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring the characters' involvement in BDSM activities, the revelation of dark secrets, and the themes of jealousy and revenge are executed effectively in the scene. It adds depth and complexity to the storyline.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene as crucial information about the characters and their connections to the mysterious events is revealed. The scene adds layers of complexity and intrigue to the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh and provocative take on themes of power dynamics, sexuality, and betrayal. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' depth and complexity are highlighted in this scene, especially through their emotional responses, past actions, and motivations. The revelations about their relationships and secrets add layers to their personalities.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant emotional and psychological changes in this scene, as their dark secrets are revealed, past actions are confronted, and motivations are exposed. The revelations lead to internal conflicts and character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to come to terms with her feelings of jealousy, inadequacy, and betrayal in her relationships with Luna and Irene. She struggles with her desire for validation and acceptance.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to uncover the truth behind Luna's death and navigate the complex dynamics of her relationships with Irene and Luna.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, including emotional turmoil, past betrayals, and the revelation of dangerous secrets. The high stakes and intense confrontations heighten the tension and drama.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires, hidden agendas, and moral dilemmas creating obstacles for the protagonist to overcome. The audience is left questioning the characters' motivations and loyalties.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes in the scene involve the characters' dark secrets, dangerous activities, past betrayals, and potential threats to their lives. The intense confrontations and shocking revelations raise the stakes and tension to a critical level.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by revealing crucial information about the characters, their connections to the mysterious events, and their motivations. The revelations add depth and complexity to the plot, driving the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in the characters' motivations and actions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the characters' true intentions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around themes of power, control, jealousy, and betrayal. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about love, loyalty, and self-worth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, including shock, sadness, fear, and anger. The revelations about the characters' pasts and their involvement in dangerous activities create a powerful emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotional intensity, shock, and tension of the scene. It reveals crucial information about the characters' pasts and motivations, driving the narrative forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense emotional content, suspenseful revelations, and complex character relationships. The audience is drawn into the mystery surrounding Luna's death and the protagonist's inner turmoil.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, allowing for emotional beats and character development to unfold naturally. The rhythm of the scene enhances its impact on the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a dramatic screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure that effectively builds tension and reveals key information at strategic points. It maintains a cohesive flow despite the flashback sequences.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a flashback to Luna's death, which is a good way to set the tone and create suspense, but the flashback feels a bit too graphic and unnecessary. We've already been given a strong sense of Jota's cruelty, so showing the torture and death of Luna in such detail doesn't add much to the story, and it risks making the scene feel gratuitous.
  • The pacing of the scene is a bit slow and repetitive. The flashbacks feel too frequent and interrupt the flow of the dialogue between Marta and Natalia. There is a lot of information being delivered in the scene, but it's not always presented in an engaging or suspenseful way.
  • There's a lot of telling and not enough showing in this scene. For example, we are told that Luna was the submissive queen, but we don't really see any evidence of that. The flashbacks could be used to show more of Luna's character and her relationship with Irene, but instead they focus on the violence of her death.
  • The emotional impact of the scene is diminished by the way Natalia's reactions are described. While 'sobbing' is understandable, lines like 'I shit myself' and 'I haven't done it again' are unintentionally comical. The writer should consider replacing this dialogue with something that is more nuanced and impactful.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt. Marta puts her hand on Natalia's shoulder, but it doesn't feel like a natural ending to the scene. It might be helpful to add some dialogue or a visual element to bring the scene to a satisfying conclusion.
  • The scene overall feels a bit rushed and underdeveloped. It tries to cover too much ground in too short a space. It might be helpful to break this scene into two or three shorter scenes to give each element of the story more space to breathe.
Suggestions
  • Consider cutting back on the flashback scenes. Keep them brief and focused on revealing important information or showing key aspects of the characters' relationships. The flashbacks shouldn't feel like they're repeating or rehashing what we've already seen.
  • Show more of Luna's character and her relationship with Irene. Use the flashbacks to reveal what they were like before the BDSM, their personalities, and their relationship dynamic. This will give the audience a better understanding of why Luna was drawn to BDSM and why she stayed with Jota. This could also create a stronger emotional connection for the audience.
  • Focus on the emotional impact of Natalia's story. Instead of describing her reactions with cliche words like 'sobbing', consider showing her grief through her physical actions and dialogue. Instead of saying 'I shit myself,' show her shaking and trying to control her emotions. This will create a more powerful and believable portrayal of her trauma.
  • Add some visual detail to the scene. Use descriptions of the setting, the characters' expressions, and the atmosphere to draw the audience into the scene. This will help to create a more vivid and engaging experience for the reader.
  • Consider adding some dialogue to the ending of the scene. What does Marta do after Natalia breaks down? What does Marta say to her? Adding some dialogue here will help to provide closure to the scene and give the audience a sense of what Marta is thinking and feeling.



Scene 28 -  A Case Stalled, A Relationship Blossoming
101 INT. POLICE STATION/ISIDRO'S OFFICE - DAY.

MARTA shows up to work with her arm in a sling. She goes to
ISIDRO's office.

ISIDRO
What the fuck happened to you?

MARTA
I fell off from my bike. I come to
bring the medical leave.

ISIDRO
I received a note from above. A
certain person has filed a
complaint. Apparently, someone has
been following him these days.

MARTA
Oh yeah? So, that was it. Who is
it? A businessman, a politician?

ISIDRO
Be careful. You are too involved
and this is beyond your control. In
Homicides, they will take charge of
it.
90.


MARTA
Don't worry. And, besides, I'm on
sick leave now.

Marta places the medical report on Isidro's table and leaves.


102 EXT. PARK - DAY.

RODNEY and MARTA walk TRUHAN. Marta is very serious. Rodney
looks at her with concern.

RODNEY
Stop thinking about it. You've done
everything you could do.

MARTA
Maybe it hasn't been enough. You do
not understand. Irene and I have
always been like sisters. We went
everywhere together.

Rodney unleashes Truhan in a dog park and lets him run
around. Marta and he sit on a bench.

RODNEY
Was she in love with you?

MARTA
(angry)
Why do you ask?

RODNEY
Just curiosity.

Marta shakes her head and walks away a few steps, turning her
back on Rodney. He approaches and puts his hands on her
shoulders.

RODNEY (CONT’D)
Sooner or later, they will find
her.

MARTA
Don't know. The investigation
appears to have reached a dead end.
The case is no longer even talked
about by the media.
91.


RODNEY
Bah! They only seek to feed their
audience with fake news.

MARTA
Okay. But silence only serves to
push the case into oblivion.

RODNEY
Do you think that if she were still
alive, she would have contacted you
by now?

MARTA
(shrugging her shoulders)
I just know I would have done so.

Rodney runs his hand around Marta's waist until their bodies
touch. He kisses her.

RODNEY
Listen, I'm going to try to help
you. I will discuss the case with
the Director General.

MARTA
(excited)
For real? Are you going to do it?

RODNEY
I don't like seeing you like this.

Marta hugs Rodney. They kiss again.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Marta, sporting a sling after a recent attack, informs her colleague Isidro that she's taking medical leave. Isidro reveals a complaint filed about someone following him, leading to the case being handed over to Homicides. Later, Marta walks her dog with Rodney, expressing concern over the stalled investigation into Irene's disappearance. Rodney reassures her, promising to speak to the Director General for assistance. The scene ends with a kiss, hinting at a budding romance between Marta and Rodney.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Emotional depth
  • Plot advancement
  • Thematic richness
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Reliance on dialogue for exposition

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines elements of mystery, drama, and personal conflict, keeping the audience engaged and invested in Marta's journey. The dialogue is well-crafted, revealing character dynamics and advancing the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a dedicated detective facing personal and professional challenges while investigating a mysterious disappearance is compelling and well-executed. The scene effectively explores themes of determination, loyalty, and the pursuit of justice.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene, revealing new information about the case and deepening the emotional stakes for the characters. The conflict between Marta's personal involvement and professional responsibilities adds tension and intrigue.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a complex relationship dynamic between Marta and Rodney, with conflicting emotions and motivations. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters' interactions.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with Marta's determination and Rodney's supportive yet conflicted nature shining through. Their interactions reveal layers of complexity and drive the emotional core of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Marta undergoes a subtle shift in her determination and emotional state, while Rodney's supportive nature is tested by the challenges they face. These character changes add depth and complexity to their relationship dynamics.

Internal Goal: 8

Marta's internal goal is to find out what happened to her friend Irene and to seek justice for her. This reflects her deeper need for closure and her fear of not being able to solve the case.

External Goal: 7

Marta's external goal is to get help from Rodney to further investigate Irene's disappearance. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in trying to solve the case.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, from Marta's personal struggles to the professional challenges she faces in the investigation. The tension between characters and the high stakes of the case heighten the conflict level.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and motivations between Marta and Rodney adding complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene, as Marta grapples with personal and professional challenges while investigating a mysterious disappearance. The emotional and professional risks she takes add tension and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the case, deepening character relationships, and setting up new conflicts and challenges. It propels the narrative towards its resolution while keeping the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' relationships and the unresolved mystery of Irene's disappearance.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between seeking justice and accepting the status quo. Marta wants to continue investigating Irene's disappearance, while Rodney suggests that they may never find her.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from concern and anger to excitement and support. The personal stakes for Marta and the revelations about the case add emotional depth and resonance, keeping the audience emotionally invested.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is engaging and realistic, effectively conveying the characters' emotions, motivations, and conflicts. It propels the scene forward while providing insight into the characters' relationships and inner thoughts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth in the characters' interactions and the tension in the unfolding mystery of Irene's disappearance.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged in the unfolding mystery.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dramatic screenplay, with clear character motivations and conflicts driving the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene feels a bit repetitive and lacks tension. The conversation about the investigation feels like a rehash of previous scenes. It's also a bit unemotional and lacks the dramatic impact that would keep the reader engaged.
  • The dialogue about Irene being like a sister feels cliché and doesn't add much to the scene. The question about Irene being in love with Marta is a bit awkward and feels out of place in the context of the scene.
  • The scene's ending with Rodney offering to help and Marta's excitement feels a bit abrupt and unmotivated. It's not clear why Marta is so excited at this point. The scene would benefit from a more nuanced approach to their relationship dynamic, which has been inconsistent throughout the script.
  • The transition between this scene and the previous scene is not very smooth. The end of the previous scene with Natalia breaking down doesn't naturally lead into the conversation about the investigation. A better way to transition would be to show Marta's internal thoughts after leaving Natalia's apartment, feeling a sense of urgency and needing to return to work.
  • The scene lacks a strong sense of visual detail. There's not much to help the reader imagine the setting or the characters' actions.
  • The scene doesn't further develop the plot or characters. It mainly serves as a brief update on the state of the investigation and the characters' emotional state. The writer should consider adding a conflict or new information to make this scene more engaging.
Suggestions
  • Consider cutting the scene entirely. The information conveyed in this scene can be incorporated elsewhere, especially if it's not driving the plot forward.
  • If you decide to keep the scene, focus on a conflict between Marta and Rodney. Maybe Rodney wants her to take a break from the investigation, but Marta is too determined to do so. This could lead to a deeper exploration of their relationship dynamics.
  • Focus on Marta's emotional state. How does she feel about the lack of progress in the investigation? What are her fears about Irene's fate? Show this through her actions and dialogue.
  • Add visual detail. Describe the setting in a more vivid way. Show Marta's physical appearance, her expressions, and her gestures. This will help bring the scene to life for the reader.
  • Consider adding a new piece of information or a plot twist that moves the story forward. Perhaps Marta learns something new about the case, or maybe someone approaches her with a lead. This will help make the scene more engaging and dynamic.
  • Explore the significance of the missing person case in the context of the wider story. How does the investigation affect Marta's relationship with Rodney? What does it reveal about her character? What are the broader societal implications of this case?
  • Consider the pacing of the scene. Is the dialogue too slow or too fast? Are there any moments where the scene drags? Try to find a rhythm that keeps the reader engaged and interested.



Scene 29 -  Confrontation at the Police Station
103 INT. MARTA’S APARTMENT /BEDROOM - NIGHT.

MARTA and RODNEY are changing clothes. Marta is barefoot and
is taking off her pants with one hand. Rodney is undoing his
shoelaces when the cell phone on the bed rings. Marta checks
out the screen and sees the letters "SUB." She makes a
strange face. Rodney finishes taking off his shoes and looks
at the cell phone screen. He leaves the bedroom.

RODNEY (OFF)
(quietly)
What do you want? I told you not to
call me here.
92.


Marta starts listening. She hears Rodney's footsteps receding
down the hallway and his voice becoming more distant and
unintelligible. She gets up and heads towards the door. She
looks out.


104 INT MARTA’S APARTMENT/HALLWAY - NIGHT.

MARTA goes out into the hallway, but she doesn't see RODNEY.
She walks quietly until she reaches the living room door.
There she stops and hears Rodney's voice speaking in a
whisper.

RODNEY (OFF)
(whispering)
Okay... Yes... Tomorrow at ten...
Yes... In your office.


105 INT MARTA’S APARTMENT/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT.

RODNEY has his back to the living room door. He hangs up the
phone. MARTA has stuck her head in there and, seeing him, she
goes back to the hallway.


106 INT MARTA’S APARTMENT/HALLWAY - NIGHT.

MARTA walks quickly and on tiptoe down the hallway until she
reaches the bedroom door. Just as she enters her bedroom,
RODNEY comes out into the hallway.


107 INT. MARTA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT.

RODNEY enters the bedroom. MARTA is trying to put on her
pajamas using only her good hand.

MARTA
Who was calling?

RODNEY
Nobody. A telephone commercial who
wanted to talk me into changing
companies.

Marta remains silent. She stares at Rodney. He makes a
gesture of unbuttoning his shirt; but he stops and approaches
Marta. He helps her put on her pajamas.
93.


RODNEY (CONT’D)
They always call at the most
inopportune moment, don't you
think?

Marta smiles and moves away from Rodney without abruptness.
He continues to undress.

FADE TO BLACK


108 EXT. MINISTRY BUILDING/GENERAL DIRECTORATE OF POLICE - DAY.

MARTA walks down the street on the sidewalk opposite the
Ministry building. She looks at the clock on her mobile. It
marks 9:50.

Around the corner RODNEY approaches the front door. Marta
sees him and hides behind one of the trees on the street. As
Rodney is about to enter, he stops and turns around. He makes
a gesture of looking for someone who has called him. Then
someone approaches him. It's JOTA. Marta sees him and her
face changes color.

Rodney and Jota enter the building. Marta remains leaning
against the tree, with a defeated expression.


109 EXT. MINISTRY BUILDING/GENERAL DIRECTORATE OF POLICE - DAY.

MARTA smokes a cigarette while still watching the Ministry
building door. She looks at her mobile. It's 10:25.

Jota leaves through the door and walks down the street. Marta
throws the cigarette on the ground and begins to follow him
from the opposite sidewalk.


110 EXT. STREET - DAY.

MARTA crosses the street at a traffic light and looks through
the crowd, trying not to lose sight of JOTA. She quickens her
pace to follow him. Jota turns a corner and when Marta
reaches that corner, she does not find Jota. She gets
nervous, starts looking around her, looks through the shop
windows.
94.


She continues walking hastily to the end of the street and,
as she turns a corner of the street again, she runs into
Jota, who is standing in front of a shop window with women's
clothing, looking at his cell phone. Marta decides to address
him.

MARTA
Hello.

Jota looks up from his phone and frowns.

JOTA
We know each other, don’t we?

Marta points to her injured arm.

MARTA
You do not remember me anymore? You
did this to me.

Jota looks at her with a dry and contemptuous gesture.

JOTA
I'm sorry. I think you're confusing
me with someone else.

MARTA
I usually remember well the people
who have tried to attack me.

JOTA
Tried? Well, this time it seems
that they have achieved it.

Marta and Jota stare one another with arrogance.

MARTA
Tell me what happened to my friend
Irene.

JOTA
I don’t know who you are talking
about.

Marta smiles sarcastically. She takes out her cell phone and
shows him a photo of Irene.
95.


MARTA
Does this photo refresh your
memory?

Jota looks nonchalantly at the photo and shakes his head
negatively, without getting upset in the slightest.

MARTA (CONT’D)
You killed Luna. Tell me what have
you done to Irene.

JOTA
Hey, stop it. Who put that nonsense
into your brain?

MARTA
I know who you are, son of a bitch.
You call yourself Jota.

Jota takes a step towards Marta, getting within half a meter.

JOTA
No. You have no fucking idea who I
am. If you knew, you wouldn't have
the balls to talk to me like that.

Marta tries to control her emotions. Her forehead begins to
sweat, and her breathing becomes stronger.

MARTA
I know you were at the house. Did
you kill Raimundo?

JOTA
(sarcastically)
Oh. So, I have also killed a man.
This gets interesting.

At that moment, PERSEPHONE leaves the shop, greeting Marta
with a smile.

JOTA (CONT’D)
(turning to Persephone) )
Dear, meet Marta Novoa, from the
national police.
96.


PERSÉFONE
(motionlessly)
Nice to meet you.

JOTA
She works with Isidro Arteaga, our
friend the chief commissioner.

Marta looks with a mixture of perplexity and anger at Jota,
who smiles ironically.

JOTA (CONT’D)
If one day we have a party at home,
we can invite Marta... And her
boyfriend, of course. Great guy,
Rodney.

Marta's face goes silent for moments.

PERSÉFONE
We’ll be glad to do so. And now, if
you'll excuse us... We have to do
some shopping.

MARTA
Of course.

Persephone moves away from them and Jota approaches Martha's
ear.

JOTA
(whispering)
I do know who you are. Stop fucking
with me or you'll regret it.

MARTA
Are you threatening me?

JOTA
Call it whatever you want. It would
be a shame if you lost your job.
You have such a promising career...

MARTA
Fuck you!
97.


JOTA
... and I guess you wouldn't want
something to happen to Rodney. He’s
so young and so handsome...

As a farewell, Jota pats Marta on her injured shoulder and
she feels pain. Jota smiles evilly.

JOTA (CONT’D)
Oh, sorry! I forgot.

Jota leaves and Marta remains shocked, motionless, gasping
for breath.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama","Crime"]

Summary Marta, determined to find out who is behind her friend Irene's disappearance, follows Rodney into the police building. She witnesses Rodney meeting with Jota, a man she suspects may be involved. Confronting Jota, Marta shows him a photo of Irene, accusing him of knowing something about her whereabouts. Jota vehemently denies any involvement, but his evasive answers and threatening demeanor raise Marta's suspicions. The encounter ends with Jota warning Marta to stay out of his business, leaving her shaken and fearing for her safety.
Strengths
  • Intense confrontation
  • Sharp dialogue
  • High stakes
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue
  • Lack of subtlety in character interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, suspense, and strong character dynamics. The confrontation between Marta and Jota is gripping and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a dangerous encounter between a determined police officer and a menacing suspect is executed effectively, adding depth to the storyline and raising the stakes for the characters.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as Marta confronts Jota and tries to extract information about Irene's fate. The scene adds layers to the mystery and builds anticipation for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a complex web of relationships and motivations, blending elements of mystery, drama, and suspense. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Marta's determination and bravery shine through in this scene, while Jota's menacing presence adds a sense of danger and unpredictability. The characters' interactions are compelling and drive the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 7

Marta undergoes a transformation in this scene, from a determined investigator to a vulnerable yet defiant individual facing a powerful adversary. Jota's character is also revealed in his menacing and manipulative behavior.

Internal Goal: 8

Marta's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth about Irene's disappearance and confront Jota about his involvement. This reflects her need for justice and closure, as well as her fear of the unknown and desire for revenge.

External Goal: 7

Marta's external goal is to gather information about Jota's whereabouts and actions. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in solving the mystery surrounding Irene's disappearance and potentially stopping further harm.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Marta and Jota is palpable and intense, driving the scene forward and keeping the audience engaged. The power struggle and psychological warfare between the characters heighten the tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Marta facing off against Jota in a tense and confrontational exchange. The audience is unsure of the outcome, adding to the suspense and drama.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as Marta confronts a dangerous suspect and risks her safety to uncover the truth about Irene's disappearance. The outcome of the confrontation could have far-reaching consequences for the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly advances the plot by revealing crucial information about Irene's fate and Jota's involvement in the crimes. It sets the stage for further developments and raises the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the dialogue and character interactions. The audience is kept guessing about the true motivations of the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of justice, power, and manipulation. Marta's belief in truth and justice clashes with Jota's manipulation and abuse of power.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions, including fear, anger, and defiance, as Marta confronts a dangerous adversary. The emotional intensity adds depth to the characters and enhances the suspense of the scene.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, intense, and filled with subtext, adding depth to the characters and enhancing the tension of the scene. The verbal sparring between Marta and Jota is particularly impactful.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, emotional intensity, and suspenseful atmosphere. The conflict between Marta and Jota keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-balanced, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense leading to a dramatic confrontation between Marta and Jota. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and character interactions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, building tension and conflict effectively. The transitions between locations are smooth and contribute to the overall pacing.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a lot of unnecessary exposition. We already know that Marta is injured and Rodney is concerned about her. The scene doesn't really move the plot forward.
  • The phone call with 'Sub' is confusing. Who is 'Sub' and why is Rodney so secretive about the call? The writer should clarify this information.
  • The scene feels rushed. There are several scene changes in a short period of time. It would be more effective to keep the action in one location for longer.
  • The dialogue between Marta and Jota is repetitive. They both repeat the same points several times, making the scene feel drawn out.
  • The scene lacks tension. Marta's confrontation with Jota is not convincing. It seems as if she is too easily intimidated by Jota.
  • The introduction of Persephone is abrupt and doesn't serve any real purpose. The scene could be more effective without her.
  • The ending is anticlimactic. Marta is left speechless and gasping for breath, but it doesn't really feel like a satisfying conclusion to the scene.
  • The scene doesn't advance the plot in a meaningful way. Marta and Jota's confrontation is ultimately pointless, as Jota denies everything and leaves Marta frustrated and confused.
Suggestions
  • Eliminate the unnecessary exposition at the beginning of the scene. Focus on the conflict between Marta and Rodney.
  • Clarify who 'Sub' is and why Rodney is so secretive about the call. This information is crucial to the plot.
  • Simplify the scene changes. Keep the action in one location for a longer period of time.
  • Condense the dialogue between Marta and Jota. Cut out unnecessary repetitions.
  • Increase the tension in the scene. Marta should be more assertive and confrontational with Jota.
  • Remove the introduction of Persephone. Her presence is unnecessary and confusing.
  • Give Marta a stronger reaction to Jota's threats. She should be more determined to uncover the truth.
  • End the scene with a more impactful moment. For example, Marta could decide to take matters into her own hands and follow Jota to his next meeting.



Scene 30 -  Confrontation and Dream Sequence
111 INT. MARTA'S APARTMENT/KITCHEN - DAY.

RODNEY uncovers a pot and stirs its contents with a wooden
spoon. The front door is heard opening. MARTA enters the
kitchen and Rodney approaches to kiss her, but she rejects
him.

RODNEY
What’s got into you?

Marta hesitates for a moment.

MARTA
You tell me.

RODNEY
What's the matter?

MARTA
I saw Jota this morning. I have
spoken with him.

Rodney looks at her in disbelief.

RODNEY
Have you gone crazy?

MARTA
(hysterical)
No. I haven’t. But you're going to
have to explain to me what the hell
he was doing at the Ministry
building with you.
98.


Rodney drops the spoon angrily and snorts.

RODNEY
Have you been spying on me?

MARTA
You have lied to me!

RODNEY
You don't know what you're getting
into...

MARTA
What do you want me to do?

RODNEY
I want you to get away from this
case!

MARTA
I can’t.

RODNEY
Shit! If you don't, I...!

Rodney grabs Marta by her arm and shakes it. Marta winces
from pain and RODNEY remains silent at that moment. Marta
pulls away with rage and turns to him with a gesture of
contempt.

MARTA
Alright. It's enough. I drop the
case.

Rodney looks down, looking somewhere between hurt and
embarrassed. Marta leaves the kitchen.


112 INT. MARTA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT.

MARTA and RODNEY are in bed sleeping. Marta has a dream that
makes her turn over in bed several times.

FLASHBACK. MARTA'S DREAM.
99.


113 EXT. AMSTERDAM STREET - DAY.

MARTA and IRENE (23) walk down a street in Amsterdam. They
enter a coffee-shop.


114 INT. COFFEE-SHOP - DAY.

MARTA and IRENE smoke a joint while laughing.


115 INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY.

MARTA and IRENE return to the hotel, looking tired, but with
smiling faces.

MARTA
I'm going to take a shower.

Marta enters the bathroom, undresses and turns on the shower.
It doesn't take long for Irene to appear behind her; she also
gets naked and gets into the shower with her. When Marta sees
her, she seems surprised; but she laughs. The two laugh
together.

Irene pours some gel on her hand and begins to soap Marta,
who continues laughing, although weaker. She allows that.
Irene first pours soap over her arms, over her torso,
caresses her breasts and goes down to her legs. As she does
so, she approaches Marta, touches her mouth and kisses her
while caressing her sex. Marta then reacts abruptly, she
pushes away Irene, who remains a little stunned, but with a
strange smile.

Marta gets out of the shower and fills a glass of water at
the sink. Irene leaves shortly after, and Marta drops her
glass on the floor, which shatters. Marta bends down to pick
up the pieces of it, but Irene stops her with a gesture.

IRENE
I'll pick it up.

Irene steps on the glass pieces and Marta comes to her aid.

MARTA
You are crazy? Why did you do that?
100.


Marta takes Irene out of the bathroom and sits her on the
floor. She examines her feet and carefully removes the glass
pieces. Irene smiles.

END FLASHBACK.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Rodney and Marta argue in the kitchen about his relationship with Jota, leading to a physical altercation. Later, Marta has a dream about a trip to Amsterdam with Irene, involving marijuana and a shower scene that ends abruptly. The scene ends with Marta waking up next to Rodney.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
  • Revealing character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity in the dream sequence transition

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines emotional depth, tension, and character development, leading to a pivotal moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Marta's past through a dream sequence adds depth to her character, while the confrontation between Marta and Rodney adds tension and conflict.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as Marta decides to drop the case, impacting the overall investigation and character dynamics.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of trust and betrayal in a relationship, with unexpected twists and emotional depth. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Marta and Rodney, undergo significant emotional turmoil and development in this scene, showcasing their complex relationship and individual struggles.

Character Changes: 8

Marta undergoes a significant change by deciding to drop the case, showcasing her internal struggle and growth. Rodney also experiences a shift in his relationship with Marta.

Internal Goal: 8

Marta's internal goal in this scene is to confront Rodney about his involvement with Jota and the Ministry building. This reflects her need for honesty and trust in their relationship.

External Goal: 7

Marta's external goal is to resolve the conflict with Rodney and make a decision about the case. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in her relationship and professional life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Marta and Rodney, as well as the internal conflict within Marta regarding the case, creates a high level of tension and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and emotional barriers between the characters.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Marta's decision to drop the case impacts the investigation and her relationship with Rodney, leading to potential consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by altering the course of the investigation and deepening the character arcs, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelations and emotional reactions from the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between honesty and deception, trust and betrayal. Marta's discovery of Rodney's secret actions challenges her beliefs about their relationship and the importance of truth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact is high due to the intense confrontation, the revelation in the dream sequence, and Marta's decision to drop the case.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotional intensity and conflict between Marta and Rodney, as well as the revealing conversation in the dream sequence.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict between the characters and the high stakes involved in their relationship.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional intensity, with well-timed reveals and confrontations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for a dramatic confrontation scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure of conflict, confrontation, and resolution, building tension effectively.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a confusing and somewhat jarring transition from the previous scene. It would be helpful to provide more context for the reader about what happened after Marta's confrontation with Jota. Did she go back home directly? What was she thinking about?
  • The dialogue between Marta and Rodney feels repetitive and lacks emotional depth. The back-and-forth about Jota and Marta dropping the case feels like a recycled argument that has already been explored in earlier scenes. The repetition doesn't add much to the story and could be trimmed.
  • The scene's climax is a bit underwhelming. Rodney grabbing Marta's arm and shaking her doesn't feel like a significant enough event to warrant such a dramatic shift in the scene. It also feels out of character for Rodney, who has generally been a supportive character. The scene could be strengthened by adding a more impactful moment, such as a physical fight, a threat, or a revealing secret.
  • The dream sequence feels forced and unnecessary. It breaks the momentum of the scene and doesn't provide any meaningful insight into the characters or the plot. The dream's content also feels oddly disjointed from the rest of the story, making it feel like an afterthought. The dream sequence could be removed or replaced with something more relevant to the story.
  • The dream sequence itself is a bit confusing and unclear. What is the significance of the Amsterdam trip? Why does Marta react so abruptly in the shower scene? What is the purpose of Irene stepping on the glass? The dream needs to be more clearly defined and have a more obvious purpose in the story.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of closure. It ends abruptly with Marta leaving the kitchen, leaving the reader hanging on what will happen next. The scene could benefit from a more satisfying ending that provides some resolution or moves the story forward.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a few lines of dialogue or a brief internal monologue to establish the emotional state of Marta after her confrontation with Jota. This will help the reader understand her motivation for confronting Rodney.
  • Try to find a more organic way to integrate the information about Jota's presence at the Ministry building. Maybe Rodney could slip up and reveal something accidentally, or Marta could find a piece of evidence that links Jota to the Ministry.
  • Explore the consequences of Rodney grabbing Marta's arm. How does this action change their relationship? Does it push Marta further away? Does it make Rodney regret his actions?
  • Consider removing the dream sequence or replacing it with something more impactful, such as a phone call from Irene, a news report about a new development in the case, or a flashback to a crucial moment in the past.
  • If you choose to keep the dream sequence, make sure it is clearly defined and has a clear purpose in the story. Consider using the dream to explore Marta's feelings about Irene, her guilt over the situation, or her desire for a different kind of life.
  • Consider ending the scene with a stronger image or a more emotionally resonant line. Perhaps Marta could look at her reflection in the kitchen window and see a glimpse of her own fear or anger. Or she could end the scene by saying something that hints at her determination to find the truth.
  • Think about ways to build tension and suspense in the scene. Consider using sound effects, camera angles, or dialogue to create a more immersive and engaging experience for the reader.
  • Overall, try to create a scene that feels more organic and flows more seamlessly into the rest of the story. Focus on building emotional depth and creating impactful moments that will engage the reader and move the story forward.



Scene 31 -  Haunted by Secrets
116 INT. MARTA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT.

MARTA wakes up agitated. RODNEY turns around in bed.

RODNEY
What’s going up?

MARTA
(agitated)
Nothing. It was just a nightmare.


117 INT. MARTA'S APARTMENT/OFFICE - NIGHT.

FOUR WEEKS LATER. MARTA is sitting at the office table, with
the laptop on. She is no longer wearing the sling. RODNEY
enters and Marta closes the laptop.

RODNEY
What are you doing?

MARTA
Nothing.

Rodney approaches Marta and opens her laptop. The screen
shows a connection to a BDSM-related Twitter account.

RODNEY
But you promised me...

Marta looks at him defiantly, but she doesn't reply. She
picks up a cup on the table and takes a sip.

RODNEY (CONT’D)
Aren't you going to tell me
anything?

MARTA
What can I say?
101.


RODNEY
Damn, you could at least try! You
are becoming more distant. We don't
even do anymore...

MARTA
What? We don’t fuck anymore? Is
that all you're worried about?

RODNEY
(sharply)
I know what worries you. Your
little friend the dyke.

Marta throws the coffee cup at Rodney, who has no time to
dodge it and was hit on the eyebrow. Almost immediately, he
begins to bleed. Marta hastily gets up and approaches Rodney.

MARTA
Sorry. I didn't want to... Let me
see.

Rodney angrily rejects her.

RODNEY
Forget about it! This is the straw
that breaks the camel's back. I've
been thinking about it for a while.
I'm going away. It’ll be the best
for both of us!

Rodney leaves the office. Marta follows him.

MARTA
Don’t go. I didn’t mean it…


118 INT. MARTA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT.

RODNEY enters the bedroom and grabs a suitcase. He puts it on
the bed and starts throwing clothes on it. He looks defiantly
at MARTA.

RODNEY
It’s already decided. I cannot take
anymore.

Marta remains still for a moment. She becomes agitated and
storms out of the room.
102.


MARTA (OFF)
Fuck you! I do not need you!


119 INT. MARTA'S APARTMENT/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT.

MARTA is sitting on the sofa. Behind her, RODNEY leaves the
bedroom, carrying the suitcase. He looks at her. Marta
doesn't turn to look at him. Rodney leaves the house without
saying a single word of goodbye. When she is left alone,
Marta collapses and begins to cry. Seeing her sad, TRUHAN
approaches her and begins to lick her.

MARTA
And you, why don't you leave too?

The dog looks at her with his eyes down, a little scared to
see that he is being scolded for no reason. Realizing her
hostile attitude, Marta tries to make amends by petting the
dog.

MARTA (CONT’D)
Come on, I was just joking. I'll
take care of you.


120 INT. VET’S OFFICE - DAY.

The FEMALE VETERINARIAN finishes checking TRUHAN. She just
gave him a vaccine.

FEMALE VETERINARIAN
Have you brought the vaccination
card?

MARTA searches in her bag and hands it to her. The female
veterinarian marks the card with a stamp indicating the
vaccine she just gave him. She stares at one of the leaves.

FEMALE VETERINARIAN (CONT’D)
This dog is from Portugal?

MARTA
I don't know. The dog was left to
me by a friend. Why you ask?

FEMALE VETERINARIAN
Just curiosity. One of the vaccines
was given there six months ago.
(MORE)
103.

FEMALE VETERINARIAN (CONT’D)
An antitetanic. He must have had a
bite or something.

Marta’s face brightens up.

MARTA
Is the clinic data there?


121 INT. MARTA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - DAY.

MARTA packs a small suitcase. While she takes clothes out of
the drawers, she talks on the phone.

MARTA
I'm fine, but I need a few days
off.

JOAQUÍN (OFF)
Don't worry. Try to recover. It
must have been hard, after so much
time together.

MARTA
I will. Listen, is there anything
new on our case?

JOAQUÍN (OFF)
Nothing new. Don't worry, we'll
find her.

MARTA
If they ask about me...

JOAQUÍN (OFF)
Don't worry. I'll tell the boss
that you're unwell.

MARTA
Thank you.

Marta hangs up and zips closed her travel bag. She picks it
up and leaves the bedroom.


122 EXT. STREET - DAY.

MARTA puts her luggage in her car and also takes TRUHAN with
her. She sits behind the wheel and starts driving.
104.


123 EXT. ROAD - DAY.

The MARTA car travels on the road.


124 EXT. PONTE DE LIMA - DAY.

A sign with the name of the town indicates that MARTA has
reached its destination. The car passes by the sign and
drives away.


125 INT. MARTA'S CAR - DAY.

MARTA parks the car next to the veterinary clinic.


126 INT. PONTE DE LIMA/VETERINARY CLINIC - DAY.

MARTA enters the veterinary clinic accompanied by TRUHAN and
goes to the counter. She takes out the card and shows it to
the SECRETARY (50), a plump woman with thick glasses.

MARTA
Do you speak English?

SECRETARY
A bit.

MARTA
I need a favor. Half a year ago
this dog was vaccinated at this
clinic. I would like to know the
address of its former owner.

SECRETARY
I can't give you that information.

MARTA
I would like to show him the dog.
They haven't seen each other in a
while. Both will be happy to meet
again.

SECRETARY
I'm sorry. These data are
confidential.

Marta flashes her police badge.
105.


MARTA
Please, it's something very
important. An official matter that
requires absolute discretion.

The secretary looks at Marta over her glasses. She purses her
lips, gets up from her seat, and disappears behind the
counter. Marta waits impatiently for her to return; she walks
from one side of the counter to the other without letting go
of Truhan's leash. After a while, the secretary returns. She
brings a sticky note on which she has written down an
address. Marta grabs it with impetus and rushes out. She
turns just before leaving with a smile.

MARTA (CONT’D)
Muito obrigada.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Marta wakes up from a nightmare, agitated and confrontational. Her relationship with Rodney is strained, leading to a heated argument and his departure. Distraught, Marta seeks solace in her dog, Truhan, before embarking on a quest to uncover the past of her adopted dog. After overcoming initial resistance, she obtains information from a veterinary clinic, leaving with a newfound determination and a glimmer of hope.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Tension and conflict
  • Plot progression
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Rodney's departure could be further explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth of the characters, advances the plot significantly, and sets up future developments in the story. The conflict and tension are palpable, keeping the audience engaged throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Marta's internal struggles while balancing her investigative duties is well-executed. The scene effectively integrates personal and professional elements to create a compelling narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot progresses significantly with Marta's decision to follow a lead, Rodney's departure, and the revelation about Truhan's past. These developments add layers to the story and set the stage for further intrigue.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as the mention of a BDSM-related Twitter account and the unexpected conflict between Marta and Rodney. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Marta and Rodney, are well-developed and showcase a range of emotions and conflicts. Their interactions drive the scene forward and provide insight into their motivations and relationships.

Character Changes: 7

Marta undergoes significant emotional turmoil and makes a crucial decision to take medical leave, showcasing her growth and resilience. Rodney's departure marks a turning point in their relationship, leading to potential character development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Marta's internal goal in this scene is to confront her own desires and fears, particularly in relation to her relationship with Rodney and her own identity. She struggles with feelings of guilt, distance, and a sense of betrayal.

External Goal: 7

Marta's external goal is to find the former owner of her dog, indicating a desire for closure and connection. This goal reflects her need for resolution and understanding in her personal life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Marta and Rodney, as well as Marta's internal struggles and external challenges, heightens the tension in the scene. The emotional conflicts drive the narrative forward and keep the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and emotions between Marta and Rodney. The audience is left unsure of the outcome, adding to the suspense and drama.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as Marta faces personal and professional challenges, including Rodney's departure, a crucial lead in the investigation, and her determination to uncover the truth about Irene's disappearance. The outcome of these challenges will have a significant impact on the characters and the overall narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing new leads in the investigation, resolving conflicts between characters, and setting up future developments. The narrative progresses at a compelling pace, keeping the audience invested in the unfolding events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected conflict between Marta and Rodney, as well as the revelation of Marta's search for her dog's former owner. The audience is kept on their toes with each new development.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around themes of trust, honesty, and personal boundaries. Marta's actions challenge traditional notions of relationships and societal expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly through Marta's emotional turmoil, Rodney's departure, and the revelation about Truhan's past. The emotional depth adds layers to the narrative and enhances the audience's connection to the characters.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, conflicts, and motivations. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the tension between Marta and Rodney.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense emotional conflict, raw dialogue, and unexpected twists. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and motivations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional intensity, allowing for a smooth progression of events and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for its genre, allowing for easy readability and understanding of the events.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • This scene is mostly dialogue-driven and feels a bit rushed. We don't see Marta's emotional reaction to Rodney leaving or fully understand her motivation for going on a trip to find the previous owner of her dog.
  • The scene lacks a visual hook or dramatic tension. The conflict between Marta and Rodney, though resolved in the previous scene, feels like it's being dragged out unnecessarily.
  • The scene introduces the veterinary clinic and a new character, the secretary. However, the scene doesn't provide enough information or context for the reader to understand the significance of this subplot.
  • The use of 'OFF' for Joaquin's dialogue in the phone call seems unnecessary. It's better to use the character's name and avoid using 'OFF' for every line of dialogue.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding visual elements to show Marta's emotional state after Rodney leaves. She could be shown crying, pacing, or engaging in a specific action that reflects her sadness and anger.
  • Show instead of tell Marta's motivation for going on the trip. Perhaps she discovers a clue about Irene's disappearance related to the dog's previous owner or she's simply seeking distraction from her own problems.
  • Develop the subplot with the veterinary clinic and the secretary. What is the importance of discovering the dog's previous owner? Does it link to a specific location or person in Irene's past?
  • Remove the 'OFF' notation from Joaquin's dialogue in the phone call and simply write the dialogue as if it's being said normally.
  • Consider adding a bit of introspection or self-reflection from Marta in this scene, giving the reader more insight into her thoughts and motivations.
  • Add more descriptive language to paint a clearer picture of the environment and the characters' emotions.



Scene 32 -  Reunion and Suspicion
127 INT. MARTA'S CAR - DAY.

MARTA watches the entrance door to an apartment block from
her car. She watches everyone who comes and goes. At one
point, she sees a woman come out who looks like IRENE,
although she hesitates a little. The woman has short hair and
is dark.


128 EXT. STREET - DAY.

MARTA gets out of the car and takes the dog with her. TRUHAN
sniffs and immediately recognizes the scent of her former
owner. He starts barking. IRENE turns and sees her friend
Marta with Truhan. Marta approaches. They are both confused
and look at each other in silence. Irene throws herself on
Marta and hugs her with joy. Marta frowns, then smiles and
reciprocates her friend's hug.


129 INT. IRENE'S APARTMENT/LIVING ROOM - DAY.

IRENE and MARTA are sitting in armchairs, facing each other.

IRENE
I do not know where to start.

MARTA
To begin with, could you explain
why you didn't contact me.
106.


IRENE
I'm sorry. I was so scared... I'm
really sorry.

MARTA
What happened at the house, Irene?

FLASHBACK.


130 INT. COTTAGE - NIGHT.

JOTA begins to tighten the chain, trying to make IRENE
suffocate. Jota releases the chain and kicks Irene in the
ribs.

Irene screams, and Jota slaps her and hits her with a brass
knuckle, leaving her stunned. AMODARK then intervenes to
defend her and gets into a fight with Jota.

END FLASHBACK.


131 INT. IRENE'S APARTMENT/LIVING ROOM - DAY.

IRENE throws her head back on the chair. She sighs.

IRENE
It's the last thing I remember.
When I woke up, I found AmoDark
dead.

MARTA
And what happened to the others?
You said there was another girl and
that guy who shook you. Where were
they?

IRENE
I have no idea. They had left.

MARTA looks at Irene with a skeptical expression. She notices
it and turns her face away.

MARTA
And you left. Why?

FLASHBACK.
107.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary After a long period of being missing, Irene is found by Marta in an apartment building. Their reunion is tearful but fraught with suspicion as Irene struggles to explain her disappearance. She remembers being attacked by Jota and waking up to find AmoDark dead but can't recall what happened between those events or where the other two individuals with her went. Marta, despite her relief at finding Irene, is skeptical about the gaps in her story.
Strengths
  • Tension building
  • Emotional depth
  • Revelation of key information
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and emotion, providing crucial information while maintaining a high level of tension.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on the reunion between Marta and Irene and the revelation of past events, is well-executed and engaging.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly in this scene, with key revelations about the characters and their past actions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of betrayal and friendship, with unexpected twists and emotional depth in the characters' actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Marta and Irene, are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are effectively portrayed.

Character Changes: 8

Both Marta and Irene undergo significant emotional changes in this scene, leading to a deeper understanding of their characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Marta's internal goal is to understand why Irene betrayed her and to reconcile their friendship. This reflects Marta's need for closure and her fear of losing a close friend.

External Goal: 7

Marta's external goal is to uncover the truth about what happened to Irene and her friends. This reflects the immediate challenge Marta is facing in solving the mystery and seeking justice.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Marta and Irene, as well as the tension surrounding the past events, is intense and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting emotions and motivations driving the characters' actions.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene, with the characters facing emotional turmoil and the revelation of past traumas.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, providing key information and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' actions and the emotional depth of the dialogue.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between loyalty and betrayal. Marta values loyalty and friendship, while Irene's actions have betrayed that trust. This challenges Marta's beliefs about friendship and trust.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact of the scene is high, with themes of fear, regret, and reunion evoking strong emotions in the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the suspenseful dialogue, emotional depth, and character relationships that draw the audience in.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, leading to a climactic revelation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear progression of events and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a somewhat slow and uneventful setup. It takes a while for the reunion between Marta and Irene to happen, and the initial dialogue feels a bit clunky.
  • The flashback is a bit abrupt. It's unclear why Marta suddenly wants to see what happened at the cottage. A transition into the flashback using dialogue, like Marta asking Irene to tell her what happened, would make the transition smoother.
  • The flashback itself is a bit generic and lacks a sense of urgency. The violence is described but doesn't have a strong impact. It could be made more visceral and emotional.
  • The scene relies too heavily on narration and dialogue. There's not enough visual storytelling, and the action feels a bit static. More visual imagery in the flashback would help convey the intensity of the situation.
  • Irene's explanation of what happened is somewhat vague and lacks detail. It's unclear how she managed to escape from the cottage or why the others left. It leaves the reader with many unanswered questions.
  • The scene ends with a cliffhanger, which is effective in terms of generating suspense but doesn't provide much closure. It leaves the reader wondering what will happen next, but it could be more satisfying if it provided some hints about the future direction of the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider starting the scene with Marta already at the apartment building. This will eliminate the slow buildup and get the action moving faster.
  • Use the dog, Truhan, to create a more compelling visual and emotional moment during the reunion. Maybe he jumps on Irene or she cries as she hugs him. This will provide a stronger emotional connection between the characters and create a more engaging opening.
  • Introduce the flashback through Marta asking Irene about the events at the cottage. This will create a clearer narrative thread and make the flashback feel more organic.
  • Add more visual details to the flashback. Show us the physical struggle between Irene and Jota, the fear on Irene's face, and the brutality of the attack. This will help to create a more powerful and impactful scene.
  • Provide more details about Irene's escape from the cottage. How did she get away? What happened to the others? Did she witness anything else that could be relevant to the investigation?
  • End the scene with a more satisfying conclusion. Maybe Marta asks Irene a specific question that leaves the audience hanging, or she makes a decision that hints at the future direction of the story. Give the reader something to think about and anticipate.



Scene 33 -  Hidden Truths and Growing Suspicions
132 INT. COTTAGE - NIGHT.

IRENE quickly picks up her clothes and gets dressed. She
wipes away the prints of everything she remembers touching
and she rushes out of the house.

IRENE (OFF)
I don't know. I was afraid.


133 EXT. COTTAGE - DAY.

It’s dawning. IRENE gets in the car and speeds off.

MARTA (OFF)
Why didn't you call me then?


134 EXT. IRENE’S BLOCK - DAY.

IRENE enters her building.

IRENE (OFF)
The police would have arrested me.


135 INT. IRENE’APARTMENT - DAY.

IRENE puts some clothes in the travel bag and takes cash from
a drawer. She goes down the stairs, avoiding the elevator.

MARTA (OFF)
I would have helped you.


136 EXT. STREET - DAY.

IRENE walks down the street. She opens the door of her car
with the key fob, leaves the luggage on the passenger seat
and gets in.

IRENE (OFF)
I had little time to think.


137 EXT. ROAD - DAY.

On the highway, a sign indicates the direction to Lisbon.
IRENE'S car passes underneath and continues on its way.
108.


END FLASHBACK.


138 INT. IRENE'S APARTMENT/LIVING ROOM - DAY.

IRENE gets up from the couch and lights a cigarette.

IRENE
I decided to hide for a while,
until the case got cold.

MARTA
Why here?

IRENE
Luna had rented it for a year.
Sometimes she came here with her.
She liked this place because it was
quiet, and she was able to speak
her language.

MARTA
You said before that the master who
hit you told you that he had broken
up with another girl. He was
referring to Luna, wasn't he?

Irene puts on a poker face, takes a drag on her cigarette and
doesn't answer.

MARTA (CONT’D)
I know you're hiding something from
me.

IRENE
I have told you everything I know.

MARTA
Shit! You haven't even mentioned
that guy's alias. He calls himself
Jota. Do you think I haven't
informed myself?

IRENE
What else do you know?
109.


MARTA
More than what you think. I met
your friend Natalia. She told me
quite a few things.

Irene grimaces. She puts out her cigarette in an ashtray.

IRENE
I'm thirsty. Do you want some
water?

Without giving Marta time to answer, Irene heads to the
kitchen. Once there, Irene opens a drawer full of cutlery.
She grabs one of the sharpest knives, but at that moment
Marta enters the kitchen. Irene drops the knife and closes
the drawer. Marta pretends not to have seen her friend's
maneuver.

MARTA
I think I'll have that glass of
water.

Irene takes a couple of glasses from the cupboard and fills
them with tap water. She offers one to Marta and raises her
glass in a gesture of toast. Marta refuses the toast.

MARTA (CONT’D)
Toasting with water brings bad
luck.

IRENE
What does that matter anymore?

Marta then raises her glass; Irene touches it with hers and
they drink.

IRENE (CONT’D)
You shouldn't believe everything
Natalia told you.

MARTA
Your mother told me she was a bad
influence...
110.


IRENE
(raising eyebrows)
Mothers don't usually make
mistakes... Did she tell you about
Luna?

MARTA
Vaguely. But she mentioned Jota.

Irene lets out a bitter laugh and looks down a little.

FLASHBACK.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Irene, haunted by her past, recounts her escape from a terrifying attack and her subsequent hiding in Lisbon. Marta, sensing Irene's evasiveness, probes for answers about her past, specifically her relationship with Luna and Jota. Marta reveals she has met Natalia and knows more than Irene initially thought, deepening Irene's anxiety. The scene ends with Marta's disclosure about her mother's warnings about Luna, leaving Irene on edge and hinting at a deeper, more sinister past.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Revealing character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some lack of clarity in Irene's motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, filled with suspense, and reveals crucial information that drives the plot forward. The dialogue is sharp and keeps the audience engaged, while the emotional impact is high due to the revelations and betrayals unfolding.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of hidden truths, betrayal, and escalating tension is well-executed in this scene. It adds depth to the characters and advances the central mystery of the story.

Plot: 9

The plot thickens as new information is revealed, leading to further questions and developments in the investigation. The scene propels the story forward and keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a complex web of relationships and motives, with characters who are not what they seem. The dialogue is sharp and engaging, keeping the audience guessing about the characters' true intentions.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Marta and Irene are fleshed out through their interactions, showcasing their complex dynamic and conflicting motivations. Their dialogue and actions reveal more about their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

Both Marta and Irene undergo subtle changes in this scene, as their relationship is tested by the revelations and confrontations. Their dynamics shift, revealing new layers to their characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Irene's internal goal is to protect herself and keep her secrets hidden. She is afraid and trying to avoid getting caught or implicated in a crime.

External Goal: 7

Irene's external goal is to evade the police and escape from the situation she is in. She is trying to stay one step ahead of the authorities and those who may be after her.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Marta and Irene is palpable, adding tension and suspense to the scene. The revelation of hidden truths and the confrontation between the characters heighten the conflict and drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters at odds and conflicting goals. Irene's struggle to keep her secrets hidden creates tension and conflict.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene as the characters confront hidden truths, betrayal, and escalating tension. The outcome of their interactions could have significant consequences for the investigation and their relationship.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing crucial information, escalating the conflict, and deepening the mystery. It sets the stage for further developments and keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' hidden motives and conflicting agendas. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between honesty and deception, trust and betrayal. Irene is struggling with whether to reveal the truth to Marta or continue to keep secrets.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes feelings of tension, distrust, and betrayal, creating an emotional impact on the audience. The revelations and confrontations between the characters add depth to the story and engage the audience on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and reveals crucial information about the characters and their relationships. It drives the scene forward and keeps the audience engaged in the unfolding drama.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, sharp dialogue, and complex character dynamics. The audience is drawn into the mystery and intrigue of the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and character interactions. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined beats and character arcs. The pacing is effective in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene is a bit slow and wordy, with a lot of dialogue that doesn't advance the plot or reveal much about the characters. The flashbacks feel repetitive and could be condensed or used more strategically to create a stronger impact.
  • The use of voiceover is a bit clunky and doesn't add much to the scene. It might be more effective to show Irene's actions and reactions in the flashbacks instead of relying on voiceover to explain her motivations.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of tension or conflict. The dialogue feels more like a conversation between friends than a scene driven by a clear goal or objective.
  • The moment where Irene picks up a knife is a bit cliché and doesn't feel particularly threatening. It's unclear why she does this, as the scene doesn't establish any reason for her to feel threatened by Marta.
  • The scene doesn't give the reader a strong sense of what Irene is feeling or thinking. She seems rather passive and detached, despite the dramatic events she has experienced. We don't get a clear sense of her fear or guilt about what has happened.
Suggestions
  • Consider cutting some of the dialogue or restructuring it to create a tighter and more focused scene. The scene could benefit from more action and visual details to keep the audience engaged.
  • Explore Irene's emotional state through her actions and reactions rather than through voiceover. Show her fear, guilt, or confusion through her body language, facial expressions, and choices.
  • Consider incorporating a more tangible conflict into the scene. Maybe Irene is trying to hide from something, or Marta is trying to convince her to tell the truth. Adding a clear conflict will create more tension and urgency.
  • Rework the scene where Irene picks up the knife. Maybe she is actually feeling threatened by Marta, or maybe she is just struggling with her own emotions. The scene could be more effective if it showed a more realistic and nuanced response to the situation.
  • Try to bring out Irene's character and her inner turmoil more explicitly. We need to feel her internal conflict, her fear, and her desperation to figure out what is happening.



Scene 34 -  A Deal Struck
139 INT. NATALIA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT.

NATALIA looks jealous at IRENE and LUNA while they kiss. LUNA
looks askance at NATALIA and smiles evilly.


140 INT. NATALIA'S APARTMENT/BATHROOM - NIGHT.

NATALIA looks at herself in the mirror over the sink. She
cries silently. She picks up a razor blade and cuts her arm.
She trembles and drops the blade. Blood drips into the sink.

END FLASHBACK.


141 INT. IRENE'S APARTMENT/LIVING ROOM - DAY.

IRENE takes a sip of water.

MARTA
She hinted that you had something
against him.

IRENE
Jota is a maniac. He killed
AmoDark. But he took care of
leaving evidence, so that they
could frame me as the main suspect.
If I show up, the police will
arrest me and I will have no
possible defense.

MARTA
We can prove that he was the one
who did it.
111.


IRENE
You wouldn't get it. And before I
could throw shit at him, he would
finish me off. He knows that it is
better for me to keep silent about
this.

Irene drinks the water and leaves the glass in the sink.
Marta leaves hers on the counter.

MARTA
With that attitude, the only thing
you have achieved is to become a
suspect.

IRENE
I know. What are you up to? Have
you come to turn me in?

Marta sighs and takes a few steps towards Irene. She places
her hands on Irene's shoulders.

MARTA
I have not come to turn you in.
Sooner or later, Jota will make a
mistake and we’ll catch him.
Meanwhile...

IRENE
What?

MARTA
You can stay hidden, but on one
condition: you have to give me your
number and keep in touch with me. I
want to know where you are at all
times.

Irene purses her lips and looks down.

IRENE
Alright.

The two friends hug each other. Marta kisses Irene, who shows
a surprised face. Marta whispers in her ear.
112.


MARTA
If you disappear again, I swear
that I will personally see that you
are locked up.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Fearing for her life after being framed for murder by the dangerous Jota, Irene hides from authorities. Marta, determined to bring Jota to justice, convinces a hesitant Irene to cooperate, promising to help protect her. Though wary, Irene agrees, their embrace a bittersweet symbol of their newfound alliance.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Character development
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is gripping and emotionally charged, with high stakes and intense dialogue that drives the plot forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of uncovering dark secrets and confronting dangerous individuals is well-executed, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.

Plot: 9

The plot thickens as Irene reveals crucial information about Jota and her own predicament, adding layers of complexity to the narrative.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces complex emotional dynamics and high-stakes situations, with characters facing betrayal, danger, and the need to protect themselves. The dialogue feels authentic and impactful, adding depth to the characters' motivations and conflicts.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Marta and Irene's dynamic is explored in depth, showcasing their loyalty and the lengths they are willing to go to protect each other.

Character Changes: 7

Both Marta and Irene undergo subtle changes in their relationship, deepening their bond and highlighting their individual growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Natalia's internal goal in this scene is to cope with feelings of jealousy and betrayal, as well as the emotional pain she is experiencing. Her actions reflect her struggle to deal with these intense emotions.

External Goal: 7.5

Irene's external goal is to avoid being framed for a crime she did not commit and to stay safe from a dangerous individual. She is trying to navigate a complex situation and protect herself.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Marta, Irene, and Jota escalates, creating a sense of danger and suspense that drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external threats that challenge their goals and motivations. The audience is left unsure of how the characters will navigate the dangerous situation.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Marta and Irene confront a dangerous individual, risking their safety to uncover the truth and protect each other.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by uncovering crucial information and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting alliances, hidden motives, and unexpected twists that keep the audience guessing about the characters' true intentions and the outcome of the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of loyalty, trust, and betrayal. Irene and Marta are navigating a situation where they must decide who to trust and how to protect themselves in a dangerous environment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact is high as Marta and Irene navigate a dangerous situation, revealing vulnerabilities and strengths in their characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and impactful, revealing key information while maintaining a sense of urgency and suspense.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, intense emotions, and complex character dynamics. The dialogue and actions keep the audience invested in the characters' fates and the unfolding plot.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a balance of slower emotional moments and faster-paced dialogue exchanges that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for its genre, with concise descriptions and effective scene transitions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure, moving between different locations and character interactions to build tension and develop the plot effectively.


Critique
  • The flashback scene feels jarring and unnecessary. It doesn't add much to the understanding of the story or the characters, and it disrupts the flow of the dialogue-driven scene.
  • The scene lacks conflict. Marta and Irene are both in agreement about Jota's danger and Irene's need to stay hidden. While it establishes their relationship, there's a lack of tension and a sense of urgency that could be heightened.
  • The dialogue feels a bit too expository. Instead of showing, the scene tells us information about Jota's actions and Irene's fears. The dialogue could be made more nuanced and engaging.
  • The scene ends abruptly. The hug and the kiss feel forced and don't naturally progress from the conversation. The last line, while it does introduce some tension, feels a bit heavy-handed.
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose. It doesn't advance the plot significantly, doesn't develop the characters in a meaningful way, and doesn't create much suspense or intrigue.
Suggestions
  • Consider removing the flashback scene. It doesn't provide enough insight to justify its inclusion.
  • Introduce a conflict or disagreement between Marta and Irene. Perhaps Marta believes Irene could provide more information about Jota or thinks Irene is putting herself in danger by staying hidden.
  • Replace exposition with more subtle character development. Instead of explicitly stating Jota's actions, show his manipulative nature through Irene's reactions or flashbacks.
  • Develop the tension between Marta and Irene. Perhaps Marta feels frustrated with Irene's reluctance to cooperate, or Irene is distrustful of Marta's intentions.
  • End the scene with a more natural transition. Perhaps the two friends share a moment of quiet reflection or Irene reveals a new piece of information that creates suspense.



Scene 35 -  Facing Reality
142 INT. POLICE STATION - DAY.

JOAQUÍN inserts some coins into the coffee vending machine
and selects one of the coffees. He takes it out of the
machine and MARTA approaches it to take out another one.

JOAQUÍN
Good morning. Are you feeling
better?

MARTA
Yes, I am. Thanks for asking.

JOAQUÍN
Have you sorted things out with
Rodney?

Marta nods negatively.

MARTA
I think we both need to give
ourselves some time.

JOAQUÍN
That’s right! I heard that Homicide
is almost certain there was at
least one other person in the
house. I'm sorry to tell you this,
but they think Irene must be dead.

Marta takes her coffee out of the machine and remains
thoughtful.

MARTA
(hesitantly)
I see... Joaquín, there is
something I need to tell you.

JOAQUÍN
Go ahead.
113.


MARTA
(bites her lip) )
Irene is not... I keep thinking
about it, you know.

JOAQUÍN
(understandingly)
It’s normal. But listen. You must
turn the page and take her
disappearance as a death. I know
it's hard; but believe me, it's the
best.

MARTA
But there is something...

JOAQUÍN
I know what you're going to say.
Listen: visit the psychologist.
Other colleagues have done it and
it has gone very well.

MARTA
I’ll give it a thought.

JOAQUÍN
Promise me.

MARTA
(pretending to be upset)
Do you think you are my father...?
Okay, I'll do it. I promise.

Joaquín puts his arm around Marta's shoulders and gives her a
small hug.

JOAQUÍN
You will get over it.

MARTA
Thank you.

Joaquín leaves with the coffee cup towards his table. Marta
is left standing alone in front of the coffee machine.
114.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Crime"]

Summary At the police station, Joaquín tries to comfort Marta, who is struggling to accept the possibility of Irene's death. He encourages her to move on and suggests she seek professional help, leading Marta to agree to see a psychologist. Though comforted by Joaquín's support, she remains lost in thought as he departs.
Strengths
  • Compelling dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Suspenseful storytelling
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly melodramatic at times

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense, emotion, and conflict, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding story. The dialogue is impactful, revealing crucial information and deepening character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of uncovering dark truths and navigating complex relationships is well-executed in this scene. The psychological impact of Irene's disappearance and Marta's determination to seek justice are compelling elements that drive the narrative forward.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly in this scene, with key revelations about Jota's sinister activities, Irene's past, and the escalating conflict between Marta and Rodney. The stakes are raised as the mystery deepens, setting the stage for further developments.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on the theme of loss and grief by exploring the characters' internal struggles and conflicting emotions. The authenticity of the dialogue and the realistic portrayal of the characters' reactions contribute to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Marta and Rodney, are well-developed and their interactions are layered with emotion and tension. Marta's resilience and determination contrast with Rodney's skepticism and protectiveness, adding depth to their relationship dynamics.

Character Changes: 8

Marta undergoes significant emotional turmoil and growth in this scene, grappling with the truth about Irene's disappearance and her own determination to seek justice. The strained relationship with Rodney also undergoes further development, setting the stage for potential character arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

Marta's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the disappearance of Irene and seek closure. Her dialogue and actions reflect her struggle to accept the situation and move forward.

External Goal: 7

Joaquín's external goal is to offer support and guidance to Marta in dealing with the situation. His actions and dialogue demonstrate his concern for her well-being and his desire to help her through a difficult time.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, from Marta's inner turmoil over Irene's disappearance to the escalating tension between Marta and Rodney. The revelation of Jota's sinister activities adds a layer of danger and suspense, heightening the conflict.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle but present in the characters' conflicting approaches to coping with grief, adding a layer of tension and uncertainty to their interactions.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene, with Marta risking her safety to uncover the truth about Irene's disappearance and Jota's sinister activities. The escalating conflicts and revelations raise the tension, adding a sense of urgency and danger to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, revealing crucial information about Jota, Irene, and the unfolding mystery. The escalating conflicts and emotional stakes propel the narrative towards a climactic resolution, keeping the audience engaged and eager for more.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' emotional responses and the unresolved tension between them.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' differing approaches to coping with loss and grief. Joaquín advocates for seeking professional help, while Marta is hesitant to do so, highlighting a clash between acceptance and denial.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from sadness and anxiety to hope and determination. The audience is emotionally invested in Marta's journey and the search for truth, creating a powerful impact that resonates long after the scene ends.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, revealing important information about the characters and driving the narrative forward. It effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and conflict within the scene, enhancing the overall impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters, the suspenseful mystery surrounding Irene's disappearance, and the realistic portrayal of grief and coping mechanisms.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional resonance, with well-timed pauses and moments of reflection that enhance the dramatic impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is formatted correctly, with clear character cues and dialogue tags that enhance readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural flow of conversation and interaction between the characters, adhering to the expected structure for a dramatic dialogue scene.


Critique
  • This scene feels rushed and lacks emotional depth. The conversation between Marta and Joaquín feels forced and doesn't convey Marta's emotional struggle effectively.
  • The dialogue feels artificial and lacks natural flow. The back-and-forth about Irene being dead feels repetitive and doesn't build tension.
  • The scene doesn't advance the plot meaningfully. It merely rehashes the previous information about Irene's disappearance and Marta's reluctance to accept it.
  • Joaquín's advice feels generic and unhelpful. It doesn't address Marta's specific doubts and concerns, and the suggestion to see a psychologist comes across as dismissive.
  • Marta's reaction to Joaquín's suggestion feels unconvincing. The 'promise' feels like a weak attempt to end the scene without addressing the real conflict.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and lacks closure. It leaves the audience with unresolved questions and a sense of emptiness.
  • The scene lacks visual interest. The setting is generic and doesn't evoke any particular atmosphere. The actions of the characters are minimal, and there's no visual storytelling.
Suggestions
  • Explore Marta's inner turmoil more deeply through her actions and dialogue. Show her wrestling with conflicting emotions and doubts.
  • Use more natural and nuanced dialogue to reveal Marta's true feelings and thoughts about Irene's disappearance.
  • Develop a meaningful conflict within the scene. Perhaps Marta shares a specific detail about Irene that makes her believe Irene is still alive, leading to a deeper conflict with Joaquín.
  • Give Joaquín a more nuanced and empathetic response. Let him show concern for Marta, while also gently urging her to cope with the situation.
  • Explore Marta's relationship with Rodney through flashbacks or internal monologues, adding depth and complexity to her character.
  • Create a more visually engaging scene with a strong visual theme that reinforces the emotional tension. Consider using camera angles, lighting, and sound design to evoke a sense of unease and mystery.
  • Revisit the scene's ending and create a stronger sense of closure. Leave the audience with a clear understanding of Marta's current state of mind and her next steps.



Scene 36 -  On the Run
143 INT. IRENE'S APARTMENT - DAY.

IRENE takes her cell phone out of her bag, removes the SIM
card and drops it in the trash. She puts a new card in its
place. She then heads to the entrance of the apartment, where
there is a small suitcase on the floor. She picks it up and
leaves the apartment.


144 EXT. ROAD - DAY.

IRENE drives her car along the highway and passes under a
sign for Vigo.


145 INT. HOSTEL/RECEPTION - DAY.

IRENE is at the reception signing in. After which, the
RECEPTIONIST (58) puts away the register and hands her the
keys.


146 INT. HOSTEL/ROOM - DAY.

IRENE enters the room. To the right there is a bathroom and
then there is almost just enough space for the bed and a
table. Irene drops her suitcase and sits on the bed. She
takes out her cell phone, searches Natalia's contacts and
calls.

NATALIA (OFF)
Who is it?

IRENE
It’s me.


147 EXT. STREET - DAY.

NATALIA walks down the street while talking on her phone.
Recognizing Irene's voice, she stops with a gesture of joy.

NATALIA
Irene! Thank God! I thought you
were never going to call me.


148 INT. HOSTEL/ROOM - DAY.

IRENE narrows her eyes and sighs.
115.


IRENE
We have a problem. Marta has
tracked me and Jota down. I know
you told him about Jota. We can't
just sit and wait. We have to act.


149 EXT. STREET - DAY.

NATALIA takes a few short steps. Her face has a scared
expression.

NATALIA
What? That wasn't what...


150 INT. HOSTEL/ROOM - DAY.

IRENE lights a cigarette.

IRENE
We have to take extreme measures
and do it as soon as possible.

NATALIA (OFF)
(breathing heavily) )
I'm afraid I cannot.

IRENE
Listen. Jota has us in his sights.
He knows you've talked to the
police and he probably suspects
that you and I are still in touch.
If we don't make a move, he'll
screw us alive.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Irene, fearing for her safety, quickly changes her SIM card and flees her apartment. Driving towards Vigo, she checks into a hostel and immediately contacts Natalia, revealing that Marta has tracked them down. Irene urges Natalia to act swiftly, as Jota is suspicious of their contact and could pose a threat. However, Natalia, overwhelmed with fear, expresses her inability to help, leaving Irene's situation precarious and unresolved.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • High stakes
  • Building tension
Weaknesses
  • Some lack of clarity in character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through the characters' actions and dialogue, keeping the audience engaged and on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of characters being hunted by a dangerous individual and having to take extreme measures to protect themselves is compelling and drives the scene forward.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as Irene and Natalia realize the imminent danger they are in and decide to take action, setting up a high-stakes situation.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar trope of characters in danger needing to take drastic action to protect themselves. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Irene and Natalia are well-developed in this scene, showing their fear and determination to survive, adding depth to the story.

Character Changes: 7

Irene and Natalia undergo a shift in their mindset as they realize the severity of the threat they are facing, leading to a change in their actions and decisions.

Internal Goal: 8

Irene's internal goal in this scene is to protect herself and her friend Natalia from danger. This reflects her deeper need for safety and security, as well as her fear of being caught by someone dangerous.

External Goal: 7

Irene's external goal in this scene is to come up with a plan to evade the person who is tracking her and Natalia. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the need to take action to protect themselves.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing a life-threatening situation and having to make difficult decisions to ensure their safety.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing a dangerous situation and conflicting beliefs about how to handle it. The audience is left unsure of how the characters will navigate the danger they are in.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are extremely high in this scene, with the characters' lives on the line as they try to outmaneuver a dangerous adversary.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by escalating the danger faced by the characters and setting up a crucial turning point in the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, such as Marta tracking Irene and Jota down, and the characters' conflicting reactions to the danger they are in.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' differing beliefs about how to handle the dangerous situation they are in. Irene believes in taking extreme measures to protect themselves, while Natalia is hesitant and fearful. This challenges Irene's worldview of needing to act quickly and decisively in dangerous situations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes fear and anxiety in the audience, creating a strong emotional impact as the characters face a dire situation.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is intense and impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and the urgency of the situation effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, fast-paced dialogue, and suspenseful atmosphere. The audience is drawn into the characters' dangerous situation and their conflicting beliefs.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building suspense and maintaining the audience's interest. The quick transitions between locations and the characters' urgent dialogue contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a focus on character interactions and dialogue.


Critique
  • This scene feels a bit rushed and lacks a sense of urgency despite the stakes being high. Irene's escape feels uneventful. We don't see her reaction to being tracked down, or feel the danger she's in.
  • The dialogue, while conveying information, is a bit bland. It lacks the tension and emotional impact of a high-stakes situation.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions. It's hard to visualize Irene's apartment, the hostel, or Natalia's reactions, which diminishes the impact.
  • The scene doesn't capitalize on the emotional weight of the situation. It focuses on the practicalities of escape rather than Irene's fear and vulnerability.
  • The lack of internal monologues or flashbacks from Irene doesn't allow the audience to understand her motivation and her emotions.
  • The scene's ending feels abrupt and anticlimactic. There's no sense of resolution or immediate action, leaving the audience wondering what happens next.
  • The pacing is inconsistent. The first part of the scene where Irene changes SIM cards feels slow, while the phone call conversation feels too quick.
Suggestions
  • Add more detail about Irene's escape. Describe her emotions and the feeling of urgency she experiences. Show the fear of being tracked down.
  • Make the dialogue more impactful. Use more concise and powerful language to convey the danger and the need to act quickly.
  • Focus on showing Irene's vulnerability and fear. What's going through her mind as she tries to escape? How is she feeling? Add some internal monologues or flashbacks to help the audience understand her character.
  • Consider adding some visual details. Describe the hostel, the room, and Natalia's reactions to emphasize the tension and the urgency of the situation.
  • Give the audience a clear sense of the danger and the stakes. What could happen if Irene and Natalia fail to act? What are the consequences?
  • Add a twist or a surprise element to keep the audience engaged. This could be a new threat, a sudden realization, or an unexpected encounter.
  • Consider ending the scene on a cliffhanger to leave the audience wanting more. What action will Irene and Natalia take? Will they succeed?



Scene 37 -  A Shadow of Fear
151 EXT. STREET - DAY.

NATALIA is restless, she moves back and forth, she walks with
her gaze lost.

NATALIA
What about Marta?

IRENE (OFF)
Leave that to me. You already know
what you have to do.
116.


IRENE hangs up and Natalia shows a perplexed face with her
cell phone in her hand. She sits on a street bench and goes
through her contact list. She finds what she is looking for,
and taps on it.


152 INT. JOTA'S HOUSE - DAY.

JOTA is lying face down on a massage table. PERSEPHONE is
applying oil to his back and massaging him. A cell phone
rings and Persephone lets it ring.

JOTA
Pick up the phone.

Persephone wipes her hands on a towel and answers.

PERSÉFONE
Hello.

NATALIA (OFF)
This is Natalia.

Upon hearing NATALIA's voice, Persephone makes a strange
face.

PERSÉFONE
Natalia?

Jota turns over on the massage table and gets interested in
the conversation.

NATALIA (OFF)
We need to talk.

PERSÉFONE
Sure. We could meet in a discreet
place, where we won't be disturbed.

NATALIA (OFF)
OK.

Persephone and Jota exchange a look. Jota nods a yes.

PERSÉFONE
So, listen...
117.


153 EXT. PARK/STREET - DAY.

It's getting dark. NATALIA waits sitting on a bench and
watches how the sun begins to disappear on the horizon. She
looks at the time impatiently. She checks the messages on her
cell phone, but there is nothing. She then rings PERSEPHONE's
phone, but the answering machine picks it up. She tries
again, with the same result. She then gets up and starts
walking quickly. From time to time, she turns to look, but
she doesn't find any familiar faces. As she leaves the park,
she walks down the street and a car begins to follow her
slowly.


154 INT. MARTA'S APARTMENT - DAY.

The doorbell to MARTA's apartment rings. TRUHAN approaches
the entrance door and starts barking. A moment later, Marta
goes to open the door. While doing so, she meets RODNEY.
Truhan puts his paws on him to greet him and Rodney pets him
with a smile. Martha is surprised.

MARTA
Rodney! What are you doing here?

RODNEY
Mind if I come in? I have come over
to teach you something.

Marta opens the door and Rodney walks in. Truhan doesn't let
go of him. They go into the living room together and sit on
the couch.

MARTA
Rodney, listen. If you have come
for a reconciliation...

RODNEY
Don’t worry. This morning I read a
news story on my phone. I thought
you might be interested in seeing
it.

Rodney takes out his cell phone and shows the screen to
Marta. A video is paused. Upon seeing it, Marta snatches his
cell phone and plays the video. A JOURNALIST recounts the
events.
118.


JOURNALIST
...The police have found the body
of a brutally murdered woman.

The video shows a photo of Natalia.

JOURNALIST (CONT’D)
The evidence suggests that the
crime is related to some type of
sadomasochistic ritual...

Marta returns the cell phone to Rodney.

MARTA
My God!

RODNEY
They do not mention the name of the
victim; but the photo did not seem
to be of Irene.

Marta nods negatively. She gets up hurriedly and looks for
her cell phone. She rings Irene's contact, but she gets a
message saying that her cell phone is disconnected or out of
service. She angrily throws her cell phone on the table.

MARTA
Shit! Shit!

RODNEY
What's happening?

MARTA
I screwed up. I screwed up again.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Natalia waits anxiously for Persephone in a park, growing increasingly concerned when she doesn't show up. While walking away, a car begins to follow her ominously. Meanwhile, Rodney reveals to Marta a news report about Natalia's brutal murder, sending Marta into a panic. Marta tries to contact Irene, but her phone is disconnected, leaving her fearful for her friend's safety.
Strengths
  • Building suspense
  • Introducing a new mystery
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Some characters could be further developed
  • Dialogue could be more nuanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and drama through the phone call, news report, and Marta's reaction to the unfolding events. The shocking revelation of the murder adds a new layer of complexity to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of betrayal and deception is well-executed in the scene, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued. The introduction of a new mystery adds depth to the storyline.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly in this scene with the introduction of a new murder mystery and the characters' reactions to the unfolding events. The tension and drama are heightened, setting the stage for further developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the mystery genre, with complex character relationships and unexpected plot twists.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' reactions and interactions in the scene are realistic and engaging, showcasing their individual motivations and conflicts. However, some characters could be further developed to enhance their complexity.

Character Changes: 7

Some characters experience changes in their beliefs and perceptions due to the unfolding events in the scene. Marta's realization of her mistake and the consequences of her actions lead to a shift in her character.

Internal Goal: 8

Natalia's internal goal is to uncover the truth behind the mysterious events unfolding around her. She is driven by a desire for justice and closure.

External Goal: 7

Natalia's external goal is to confront Persephone and get answers about the disappearance of Irene. She is motivated by a sense of urgency and determination.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with characters facing betrayal, deception, and the consequences of their actions. The tension between characters and the unfolding mystery create a sense of urgency and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing obstacles and conflicts that challenge their goals and motivations.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing betrayal, deception, and the consequences of their actions. The murder mystery adds a sense of danger and urgency to the storyline.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new murder mystery, escalating the tension and drama, and setting the stage for further developments. The audience is left eager to see how the story unfolds.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to its unexpected plot twists and character revelations, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The scene presents a conflict between truth and deception, as Natalia seeks to uncover the truth while facing obstacles and lies from those around her.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions of anxiety, fear, and shock in the characters and the audience. The shocking news report and Marta's reaction add to the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions, motivations, and conflicts. The phone conversation between Natalia and Persephone is particularly tense and mysterious, adding to the overall suspense.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, complex character dynamics, and dramatic revelations.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense leading to a dramatic climax.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene is formatted in a clear and concise manner, following industry standards for screenplay formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-paced structure that builds tension and suspense effectively, leading to a dramatic climax.


Critique
  • This scene feels rushed and lacks focus. It jumps between three different locations and multiple characters without clearly establishing its purpose. It also suffers from some narrative inconsistencies.
  • The opening with Natalia waiting in the park feels like an unnecessary exposition dump. It doesn't propel the narrative forward and simply reiterates information already established in the previous scene.
  • The scene with Jota and Persephone receiving Natalia's call seems disjointed and lacks any clear purpose. It doesn't add to the plot, create suspense, or reveal any new character information.
  • The scene with Marta and Rodney abruptly jumps to Marta's apartment, introducing the news of Natalia's murder without building any anticipation or tension. This abrupt transition feels jarring and disrupts the flow of the story.
  • The scene doesn't offer a compelling reason for Rodney's sudden visit to Marta's apartment. His interest in the news story feels forced and doesn't align with his previous character development.
  • The sudden revelation of Natalia's death creates a jarring shift in tone without adequately exploring its consequences. The emotional impact of this news is minimized by the focus on Marta's attempt to contact Irene.
Suggestions
  • Streamline the scene by focusing on one main location and conflict. This will create a stronger sense of momentum and allow the audience to engage with the scene more fully.
  • Explore the emotional impact of Natalia's death on Marta and Rodney. How does this news affect their relationship and their commitment to finding Irene?
  • Consider using the scene to reveal information about Jota's personality or motivations. How does he respond to Natalia's call? What does it say about his character?
  • Explore the tension between Marta and Rodney in a more nuanced way. How does the news of Natalia's death impact their relationship? Does it cause further conflict or reconciliation?
  • Consider adding a visual element to enhance the emotional impact of the scene. For example, you could show Marta's reaction to the news story through close-up shots or emphasize the sense of urgency with fast-paced editing.
  • Think about how this scene contributes to the overall story arc. How does it advance the plot? What new information does it reveal? What emotions does it evoke?



Scene 38 -  Irene's Return and Jota's Plans
155 EXT. POLICE STATION - DAY.

MARTA smokes a cigarette at the front door. JOAQUÍN
accompanies her.

JOAQUÍN
You shouldn't blame yourself for
what happened. Whoever gets into
those games knows what they are
exposing themselves to.
119.


MARTA
You do not understand. Natalia was
the one who told me about Jota. I
turned the spotlight on her. And
then... There's something I've
never told you.

Joaquín looks at Marta, raising his eyebrows.

MARTA (CONT’D)
Swear to me you won't tell anyone.

JOAQUÍN
(raising a hand,
sarcastically)
I swear.

MARTA
Irene is alive. Do you remember
those days I took off? I traveled
to Portugal and found her.

JOAQUÍN
(agitated)
Have you gone crazy? They could
accuse you of cover-up. You have to
report her whereabouts immediately.

MARTA
It's useless. I made her promise
that she would keep in touch with
me. I'm an idiot.

JOAQUÍN
She can't always be on the run. She
should turn herself in.

MARTA
She will not. Not without first
solving her problem with Jota.


156 INT. POLICE STATION - DAY.

MARTA and JOAQUÍN enter and go to their tables. At that
moment, PABLO approaches with impetuous movements and grabs
Marta by her arm and pulls her.
120.


MARTA
Hey! What got into you?

PABLO
I have to show you something.

JOAQUÍN
What’s going on?

PABLO
The Twitter account, the one Irene
used. It is active again.

Marta and Joaquín are amazed and exchange a knowing look.

JOAQUÍN
Come on. Show us.


157 INT. CYBERSECURITY UNIT - DAY.

PABLO is sitting in front of his computer and MARTA and
JOAQUÍN are behind him, looking at the screen.

MARTA
Since when is the account active
again?

PABLO
(pointing to the screen)
Last night. Someone, using a
Twitter account, sent a private
message to Irene. Check it out.

MARTA
I don't see anything.

PABLO
Because they were deleted. But they
exchanged several messages.

MARTA
Can we find out the content?

PABLO
No, we can’t. But I've done better.
I have hacked the accounts linked
to Jota.
121.


JOAQUÍN
You've done what?

Marta puts her finger to her nose and shushes Joaquín.

PABLO
(enthusiastic)
Don't worry, I haven't left a
trace.

While he speaks, Pablo opens a program and accesses the
emails of one of the accounts. He points them out.

PABLO (CONT’D)
Here it is. Jota is preparing an
event.

JOAQUÍN
It could be a trap for Irene.

MARTA
We have to find out where and when
the event will be held.

PABLO
Here are a couple of undeleted
messages from Irene, written
yesterday. She says that she is in
Vigo, and proposes to meet at a
cottage... on Friday night.

JOAQUÍN
Then there is no time. Today is
Friday. And there will be hundreds
of cottages around Vigo.

MARTA
Maybe not. I have a hunch.

JOAQUÍN
What do you mean?

As if she had had a sudden idea, Marta rushes out. Just
before she leaves, Pablo calls her.

PABLO
Hey! Don't you forget something?

Marta pouts at him as if she were giving him a kiss.
122.


PABLO (CONT’D)
That's all?

MARTA
I don't want you to get used to it!
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Crime"]

Summary Marta reveals to Joaquín that Irene is alive and they have been in contact. Pablo arrives with news that Irene's Twitter account is active and that someone has been messaging her. Pablo reveals that he hacked into Jota's accounts and discovered he's planning an event. Irene's messages indicate she's in Vigo and wants to meet at a cottage on Friday night. Marta, acting on a hunch, rushes out to find her.
Strengths
  • Intense suspense
  • Revealing crucial information
  • Building tension effectively
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity in certain character motivations
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, and moves the plot forward significantly. It keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with the revelation of Irene's survival and the impending confrontation with Jota.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of uncovering hidden truths and the dangerous game of cat and mouse between the characters is well-executed. The scene effectively builds suspense and sets the stage for a climactic showdown.

Plot: 9

The plot thickens with the discovery of Irene's location and the imminent danger she faces. The scene advances the investigation and adds layers of complexity to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the detective genre by incorporating modern technology and social media elements into the investigation. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and drive the plot forward.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Marta and Joaquín, are well-developed and their motivations are clear. Marta's determination and Joaquín's concern for her safety add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Marta's decision to keep Irene's whereabouts a secret and her resolve to confront Jota demonstrate her growth and determination. Joaquín's concern for Marta also shows a shift in his character.

Internal Goal: 8

Marta's internal goal is to protect Irene and solve the mystery surrounding her disappearance. This reflects her loyalty to her friend and her desire to make things right.

External Goal: 9

Marta's external goal is to locate Irene and prevent any harm from coming to her. This reflects the immediate challenge of finding Irene before it's too late.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Marta's desire to protect Irene and Joaquín's concern for the law creates a compelling dynamic. The looming threat of Jota adds an intense layer of conflict to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and obstacles that challenge the characters' goals and motivations.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes are evident in the danger Irene faces from Jota and the risks Marta takes to protect her. The escalating tension and imminent threat raise the stakes to a critical level.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly advances the plot by revealing crucial information about Irene's survival and setting up a potential confrontation with Jota. It propels the narrative towards a climactic resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the investigation, keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' differing beliefs on how to handle the situation with Irene. Marta's desire to protect Irene clashes with Joaquín's concern for legal consequences and safety.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from anxiety to determination. The revelation of Irene's survival and the characters' conflicting motivations heighten the emotional stakes.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and serves the purpose of conveying crucial information and building tension. It effectively reveals the characters' emotions and drives the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced action, and intriguing mystery. The audience is drawn into the characters' world and motivations.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension throughout. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined beats and character interactions. It maintains a good pace and keeps the audience engaged.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Marta and Joaquín discussing Irene's situation, but the dialogue feels repetitive and doesn't advance the plot significantly.
  • The scene shifts to Pablo's discovery of Irene's active Twitter account, but the transition feels abrupt and could be smoother.
  • The scene is heavy on exposition and lacks visual action. We see Marta and Joaquín looking at the screen but don't get a sense of their reactions or emotions.
  • The dialogue about hacking Jota's accounts feels overly technical and could be simplified. The audience doesn't need to understand the specifics of the hacking process.
  • The scene's pacing is uneven. It starts slow and then speeds up abruptly with Marta rushing out. The transition could be more gradual.
  • The ending feels rushed and anticlimactic. Marta rushes out and Pablo's comment about her forgetting something feels out of place.
  • The scene lacks tension and suspense. While it reveals important information about Irene's whereabouts, it doesn't create a sense of urgency or danger.
Suggestions
  • Streamline the dialogue between Marta and Joaquín. Instead of repeating their concerns about Irene's situation, focus on their emotional reactions and how they plan to proceed.
  • Add a visual element to Pablo's discovery of Irene's active Twitter account. Show a close-up shot of the screen or Pablo's reaction as he discovers the message.
  • Simplify the dialogue about hacking Jota's accounts. Focus on the information gained, such as the location and time of the event, rather than the technical details.
  • Create a more gradual transition between the scenes at the police station and the cybersecurity unit. Show Marta and Joaquín walking to the unit or using a different angle to connect the scenes.
  • Build suspense towards Marta's sudden departure. Show her reacting to the information about the event, possibly having a flashback or imagining Jota's trap, before rushing out.
  • Conclude the scene with a more dramatic moment. Instead of Marta rushing out, show her staring intensely at the screen, a determined look in her eyes, as Pablo finishes his explanation.
  • Add visual cues to create a sense of urgency. Show a clock ticking, Pablo's frantic movements, or close-ups of Marta's anxious expression.



Scene 39 -  The Trap at the Cottage
158 INT. POLICE STATION - DAY.

MARTA sits in front of her computer and begins the search for
cottages on a rental portal. The map shows all the cottages
around Vigo. Marta filters those that are furthest from urban
centers. Then, she filters those that are free. That narrows
the search to three houses. Marta looks at the location of
the three on the map. The first has a direct exit from the
highway a few minutes away. She rules it out. The second
cottage is reached through a secondary road, and is a few
meters away from it. She then looks at the third one: the
cottage seems to be located in the middle of a vacant space.
Marta gets "Start Google Maps in Satellite View” and notices
that there is a barely marked dirt road that leads to the
cottage. Marta marks her location and sends it to her cell
phone. Then she gets up and starts to pick up her things,
leaving the computer on.

JOAQUÍN
Where are you going?

MARTA
I have a hunch.

JOAQUÍN follows Marta. They both talk while walking.

JOAQUÍN
Don’t. You can't show up there on
your own.

MARTA
Is there any law that prevents me
from doing this?

JOAQUÍN
It's called common sense. Tell your
boss what you have discovered.

MARTA
No way. He tells me that Jota has
got him by the balls.
123.


Marta and Joaquín arrive at the exit door. Joaquín grabs
Marta by her arm before she opens the door.

JOAQUÍN
At least tell me. This way I can
help you, if necessary.

Marta smiles gratefully at him.

MARTA
I don't want you to get into
trouble for me.

JOAQUÍN
I already am in trouble. Don't you
think?

MARTA
I really appreciate it. But don't
insist. Please.

Marta leaves the police station.


159 EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY.

MARTA drives her car on the highway. She passes under a sign
that indicates that she is traveling on the Rías Bajas
Highway, A-52, towards Vigo.


160 EXT. HIGHWAY/ROAD - NIGHT.

It’s getting dark. MARTA leaves the highway and takes a
secondary road.


161 INT-EXT. MARTA'S CAR/ROAD - NIGHT.

The GPS tells MARTA that she should exit the highway and turn
left onto an unmarked dirt road. Before reaching the cottage,
Marta takes the car off the road and moves it to a place
where it is not visible. Marta gets out of the car and walks
to the cottage. As she approaches, she sees that it has a
light on. Marta surrounds the cottage and tries to see the
interior from the windows. She doesn't see anything. She goes
to the door and finds it open. She pulls out her gun and
enters stealthily.
124.


162 INT. VIGO COTTAGE/ENTRANCE - NIGHT.

MARTA walks inside the house without letting go of her gun,
practically in the dark, except for some candles that are lit
up on the floor, forming a kind of hallway. At the end, there
is a room with dark music coming from it, which sounds like a
litany. Marta approaches and opens the door slowly. Voices
are heard inside.


163 INT. VIGO COTTAGE/ROOM - NIGHT.

MARTA enters the room, dimly lit with candles. She can barely
make out Irene. She is half naked, wearing latex underwear.
Next to her, there is a body lying on the ground, with a bag
over its head. Marta looks bewilderingly at him. It's JOTA.

MARTA
What’s this all about? What
happened here?

At that moment, without Marta noticing her, PERSEPHONE comes
up behind her and hits her on the head. Marta falls to the
ground, unconscious.


164 INT. VIGO COTTAGE - NIGHT.

MARTA wakes up with a dazed expression. She is sitting in a
chair, and they have tied her hands behind her back. Marta
growls and IRENE looks at her. Irene addresses PERSEPHONE,
who is next to her.

IRENE
She has already come to her senses.

MARTA
What is all this about? Why am I
tied up?

IRENE
You are the last link.

MARTA
You're going to kill me? You won't
dare.
125.


IRENE
You are right. She will take care
of that. She is a true
professional.

Marta looks at Persephone, who is waiting standing, without
moving.

MARTA
What happened? I think I deserve to
know.

IRENE
You are completely right.

FLASHBACK.


165 INT. COTTAGE - NIGHT.

IRENE screams and JOTA slaps her and hits her with a brass
knuckle, leaving her stunned. AMODARK intervenes to defend
her and gets into a fight with JOTA. AmoDark hits Jota hard,
knocking him out momentarily. AmoDark then heads towards
Irene and unties her, leaving her free.

AMODARK
I'm sorry for what just happened.
It hadn't happened to me before.

At that moment, PERSEPHONE comes up behind AmoDark and
delivers a forceful blow to his head with a bar. When he is
on the ground, she handcuffs his wrists with his hands behind
his back. She then puts a bag over his head and holds him
until he dies from suffocation.

IRENE (OFF)
The rest was purely theater.
Persephone and Jota set the stage.
They let me go, on the condition
that I disappear forever and say
nothing. Then you came along and
started turning everything upside
down.

END FLASHBACK.
126.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Crime","Drama"]

Summary Police officer Marta, investigating a missing person's case, tracks down a secluded cottage. She finds Jota tied up and unconscious, but before she can investigate further, Persephone attacks her from behind. Marta wakes up bound, facing Irene, who reveals a shocking truth: Jota, Persephone, and Irene were involved in a scheme that led to the death of AmoDark. Irene, freed by the duo under the condition of permanent disappearance, now holds Marta captive, setting the stage for a dangerous confrontation.
Strengths
  • Intense character interactions
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Shocking revelations
  • High stakes
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be too dark or intense for sensitive viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a strong mix of tension, mystery, and drama. It keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with shocking revelations and intense character interactions.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene, involving a dangerous confrontation and the unraveling of dark secrets, is executed effectively with suspenseful elements and a compelling narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is intricate and engaging, with the revelation of key information and the escalation of conflict driving the story forward. It adds depth to the overall narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the detective genre by blending elements of mystery, suspense, and moral ambiguity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and unpredictable, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions are intense and emotionally charged. Their motivations and actions drive the scene forward and add complexity to the story.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo significant changes in the scene, particularly in their relationships and perceptions of each other. The revelations and confrontations lead to shifts in their dynamics and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

Marta's internal goal is to uncover the truth behind the mysterious events she has stumbled upon. This reflects her curiosity, determination, and sense of justice.

External Goal: 7.5

Marta's external goal is to investigate the cottage and confront the individuals involved in the criminal activities. This reflects her bravery and commitment to her job as a police officer.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with intense confrontations and shocking revelations driving the tension between the characters. The stakes are raised significantly, leading to a climactic moment.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Marta facing physical and moral challenges that test her resolve and determination.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the characters facing danger, betrayal, and the threat of violence. The revelations and confrontations have serious consequences, raising the tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, revealing crucial information and escalating the conflict to a new level. It sets the stage for the next phase of the narrative and raises the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and revelations that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the morality of justice and revenge. Irene and Persephone's actions challenge Marta's beliefs about right and wrong, as they justify their actions as necessary for their own survival.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, with moments of shock, tension, and betrayal evoking powerful reactions from the audience. The characters' emotions are palpable and add depth to the narrative.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing important information and building tension between the characters. It effectively conveys the emotions and motivations of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, suspenseful atmosphere, and compelling character interactions.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and suspense, keeping the audience engaged from start to finish.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8.5

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene transitions and descriptive elements that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, building tension and suspense as Marta investigates the cottage and confronts the criminals.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Marta's search for the cottage, but the process feels drawn out and unnecessary. The audience already knows she's looking for Irene, so we don't need to see her filter through various listings. This section could be cut down or summarized more concisely.
  • The dialogue between Marta and Joaquín feels repetitive. Both characters reiterate their positions on whether Marta should act alone or involve her boss. The back-and-forth could be streamlined to avoid redundancy.
  • The scene's pacing is uneven. The search for the cottage feels slow, while the confrontation with Jota and the flashback are rushed. The quick transition to the flashback doesn't allow the audience to process what's happening in the present scene.
  • The exposition in the flashback feels heavy-handed. Irene directly explains the events to Marta, which takes away the suspense and leaves little room for interpretation. The flashback could be more visually driven and rely less on narration.
  • The climax of the scene, where Persephone attacks Marta, feels abrupt and lacks build-up. The audience isn't given much time to anticipate or fear for Marta's safety.
  • The ending of the scene leaves Marta in a passive state, tied up and waiting for her fate. This doesn't provide a strong sense of closure or create anticipation for the next scene. The scene could end with a more active action from Marta or a hint of her plan to escape.
Suggestions
  • Cut down or summarize the search for the cottage, focusing on the key details that reveal Marta's determination and her belief that this is the right location.
  • Streamline the dialogue between Marta and Joaquín. Focus on their conflicting desires and the tension that arises from their differing opinions, creating a more dynamic exchange.
  • Adjust the pacing of the scene to create a sense of mounting tension. The build-up to the confrontation should be gradual, creating suspense before the attack by Persephone.
  • Rework the flashback to be more visually driven. Show the events through actions and reactions, allowing the audience to piece together the story instead of being told directly.
  • Add a sense of anticipation and build-up to the climax. Show Marta's awareness of her surroundings, her growing apprehension, and the possibility of an ambush. This will heighten the impact of Persephone's attack.
  • End the scene with a more active element. Show Marta struggling against her bonds, formulating a plan to escape, or expressing defiance towards her captors. This will create anticipation for the next scene and reinforce Marta's character.



Scene 40 -  The Truth Revealed
166 INT. VIGO COTTAGE - NIGHT.

MARTA looks at IRENE with a perplexed face. PERSEPHONE then
approaches Marta and stands behind her.

MARTA
That doesn't make sense to me. You
wanted to get revenge on Jota for
killing Luna.

IRENE
He didn’t do it. Jota didn't have
the guts to kill anyone.

MARTA
So... What happened to Luna?

FLASHBACK.


167 INT. JOTA HOUSE/BDSM ROOM - DAY.

LUNA is standing, her wrists and ankles shackled. Jota
penetrates her while he suffocates her. Luna can't breathe.
Jota releases her and Luna catches her breath with
difficulty. Gasping with pleasure, with a sadistic smile,
Jota makes way for Persephone, who approaches Luna.
Persephone carries a rope in her hand. She puts it around
Luna's neck, who begins to struggle.

LUNA
Let me go!

Persephone places a gag on Luna. Then she begins to tighten
the rope around her neck. Someone puts a hand on Persephone's
shoulder, stopping her. It's NATALIA.

Persephone releases the rope from Luna's neck. Natalia
approaches her and removes the gag.

LUNA (CONT’D)
Thank you. Get this thing off me. I
want to get out of here.

Natalia caresses Luna's face, runs her hands over her body.

LUNA (CONT’D)
Come on, untie me already!
127.


NATALIA
I have always loved you so much...

Natalia takes out a plastic bag and places it on Luna's head.
Luna tries to stop it and fights; but Natalia places the bag
on her without much difficulty. She ties her neck with a
rope. Luna breathes heavily and the bag sticks to Luna's face
with each heavy breath.

After a few moments of struggle, Luna dies of asphyxiation.
Natalia approaches her and removes her waning moon pendant.
She puts it on her neck. She then looks at Luna's corpse and
cries in despair. She drops to the ground, defeated.

END FLASHBACK.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama","Crime"]

Summary Marta is confused by Irene's claim that Jota didn't kill Luna. A flashback reveals that Jota was present when Natalia suffocated Luna with a plastic bag, claiming she loved her. Natalia then takes Luna's pendant after her death. The scene is filled with suspense and horror, with Natalia's actions being the main conflict in the flashback. The scene ends with Natalia crying over Luna's body, revealing the truth about her death.
Strengths
  • Complex characters
  • Intriguing plot twists
  • Emotional depth
  • Tense dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Complex narrative may be hard to follow for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is gripping, intense, and emotionally charged, with a strong focus on character revelations and plot twists. The dark and suspenseful tone keeps the audience engaged, while the intricate web of relationships and betrayals adds depth to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring the dark world of sadistic activities, betrayal, and revenge is executed effectively, drawing the audience into a complex and twisted narrative. The scene's focus on character motivations and hidden agendas adds layers of intrigue and suspense.

Plot: 8

The plot unfolds with revelations about Luna's death, Irene's involvement, and the true nature of the characters' relationships. The scene moves the story forward by unraveling key mysteries and setting the stage for further conflict and resolution.

Originality: 9

The scene is highly original in its depiction of violence and manipulation, as well as the complex relationships between the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are complex and multi-dimensional, with hidden motivations and conflicting loyalties. Their interactions drive the plot forward and reveal new layers of their personalities, adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, as their true motivations and loyalties are revealed. The revelations about Luna's death and Irene's involvement force the characters to confront their pasts and make difficult choices.

Internal Goal: 8

Marta's internal goal in this scene is to understand the truth behind Luna's death and the motivations of the other characters involved. She is seeking closure and clarity in a situation filled with deception and violence.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to uncover the mystery surrounding Luna's death and potentially seek justice for the crime. She is driven by a desire for truth and justice in a world filled with darkness and deceit.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, as the characters grapple with their pasts, betrayals, and hidden agendas. The tension is palpable, driving the narrative forward and keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing moral dilemmas and conflicting motivations. The audience is kept guessing about the characters' true intentions and the outcome of their actions.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters grapple with betrayal, revenge, and the consequences of their actions. Lives are at risk, secrets are exposed, and the characters' fates hang in the balance, adding tension and suspense to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by unraveling key mysteries, revealing new information, and setting the stage for further conflict and resolution. The plot twists and character revelations drive the narrative towards its climax, keeping the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and motivations. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between morality and cruelty. The characters' actions reflect a lack of empathy and a willingness to inflict harm on others for personal gain. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in justice and righteousness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from shock and horror to sadness and empathy. The tragic events depicted and the characters' emotional turmoil create a powerful impact on the audience, drawing them into the story on a visceral level.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense, emotional, and impactful, conveying the characters' inner turmoil and conflicting emotions. It drives the scene forward and reveals key information about the characters' pasts and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotions, moral dilemmas, and shocking revelations. The audience is drawn into the dark and twisted world of the characters, eager to uncover the truth behind Luna's death.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual reveal of information and emotional intensity. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, with proper scene headings and descriptions. The dialogue is well-formatted and contributes to the overall tone of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a flashback format, providing context and depth to the narrative. The pacing and rhythm are effective in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene begins with a confusing exchange between Marta and Irene. The audience is not clear on why Marta is confused about Irene's claim that Jota didn't kill Luna. It feels like a sudden and unexplained shift in the narrative.
  • The flashback sequence is poorly paced and doesn't effectively build tension. The scene jumps from Jota's sadistic pleasure to Natalia's sudden intervention, creating a jarring transition. The visual descriptions of the actions are somewhat vague and don't convey the intensity of the situation.
  • The scene lacks visual clarity. The description of how Natalia suffocates Luna is somewhat vague and doesn't create a strong visual image. The description of the aftermath, with Natalia crying in despair, feels overly sentimental and doesn't match the tone of the previous scene.
  • The scene could be more concise. The dialogue between Luna and Natalia feels repetitive and could be trimmed. There is also an unnecessary amount of description, especially in the latter part of the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven. The first part, with Marta and Irene, feels rushed and lacks emotional impact. The flashback then drags on, with too much detail about the events leading up to Luna's death.
Suggestions
  • Clarify Marta's confusion about Jota killing Luna. What specifically makes her doubt Irene's statement? Is it based on a hunch or previous evidence?
  • Rework the flashback sequence to create a sense of escalating tension. Use more vivid and descriptive language to portray the actions and emotions of the characters. Consider adding visual details that emphasize the brutality of the scene.
  • Focus on the visual aspects of the scene. Describe the setting, the actions, and the characters' expressions in more detail. Use sensory details to create a vivid and immersive experience for the reader.
  • Trim the unnecessary dialogue and description. Focus on the core elements of the scene: Luna's death and Natalia's actions. Avoid unnecessary exposition and descriptions.
  • Create a smoother transition between the scenes. Consider using a more gradual shift from the dialogue to the flashback. Find a way to connect Marta's initial confusion to the flashback sequence and reveal its relevance.
  • Emphasize the emotional impact of the scene. Show how the characters are affected by the events. Explore the motivations and emotional state of Natalia, the perpetrator of Luna's death, instead of just describing her actions.



Scene 41 -  Betrayal and Revenge
168 INT. VIGO COTTAGE - NIGHT.

MARTA looks at IRENE with a gesture of surprise.

MARTA
When did you know?

IRENE
When I saw her with Luna's
necklace. She would never have
given it to her. Luna never loved
her. She loved me. Killing her was
her way of getting revenge.

MARTA
I see. So, it was you who killed
Natalia.

IRENE looks at MARTA intently and nods negatively. She smiles
sideways.

IRENE
I only witnessed her death. Jota
had fun with her. It was Persephone
who finished the job.

MARTA
She? Wasn't she submissive?

Irene smiles, approaches Marta and caresses her.
128.


IRENE
You are so naive. You think people
can only be of one kind.

Irene kisses Marta with passion.

IRENE (CONT’D)
I was always crazy about you.
You're the best. You would have
been a perfect mistress.

MARTA
What are you going to do??

IRENE
I’m sorry, Marta.

Persephone puts a rope around Marta's neck and begins to
strangle her.

MARTA
Help me!

Persephone continues squeezing while Marta kicks and
thrashes.

MARTA (CONT’D)
Stop, please!

Marta's eyes plead desperately. Irene looks away.

MARTA (CONT’D)
Submissive slut! Stop this! I order
it to you!

Marta begins to lose consciousness; her eyes go blank. Then
Irene picks up a vase, throws herself on Persephone and hits
her head. Persephone falls to the ground, and Irene jumps on
top of her. Persephone struggles with Irene, gasps, thrashes
and manages to free herself from Irene.

She gets up; but as she does so, Irene grabs her ankle and
makes her lose her balance. Irene takes a cushion and puts it
on Persephone's face. She presses it with all the strength of
her own weight. Persephone kicks and slowly loses her
resistance until she dies.

Irene then gets up and unties Marta, who falls to the ground.
Irene approaches and whispers in her ear.
129.


IRENE
Now I must go, mistress.

Irene comes out. Marta remains on the floor, breathing hard.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Irene reveals to Marta that she witnessed Natalia's death and that Persephone was the one who killed her. A violent confrontation ensues as Irene ultimately kills Persephone to save Marta. Irene then sets Marta free but tells her she must leave, leaving Marta traumatized and alone.
Strengths
  • Complex characters
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Twists and revelations
Weaknesses
  • Violent scenes may be disturbing to some viewers
  • Complex plot may require close attention to follow

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is gripping, intense, and emotionally impactful, with a high level of conflict and stakes. It keeps the audience engaged and shocked by the characters' actions and revelations.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of betrayal, manipulation, and revenge is executed effectively, creating a tense and suspenseful atmosphere. The scene delves deep into the characters' motivations and dark secrets, keeping the audience guessing and on edge.

Plot: 8

The plot is intricate and engaging, with twists and revelations that drive the story forward. The scene resolves some mysteries while introducing new questions, keeping the audience invested in the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique and suspenseful situation, with unexpected twists and turns that keep the audience engaged. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are complex and multifaceted, with hidden agendas and conflicting motivations. Their interactions and betrayals drive the tension and conflict in the scene, making them compelling and unpredictable.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, revealing hidden depths, motivations, and betrayals. The revelations and conflicts lead to character growth and transformation, adding complexity to their arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to survive and escape the dangerous situation she finds herself in. This reflects her deeper need for self-preservation and fear of death.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to confront Irene and Persephone about their actions and potentially seek justice for Natalia's death. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in trying to uncover the truth and protect herself.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multifaceted, involving betrayal, manipulation, and violence among the characters. The high stakes and emotional turmoil drive the tension and suspense, keeping the audience on edge.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing physical and emotional challenges that keep the audience uncertain of the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with characters' lives and relationships on the line. The intense conflict, betrayal, and violence raise the tension and suspense, keeping the audience on edge and invested in the outcome.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, resolving some plot points while setting up new conflicts and revelations. It advances the narrative and keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and motivations, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the idea of power dynamics and the complexity of human nature. Irene challenges Marta's belief that people can only be of one kind, highlighting the dual nature of individuals and the potential for betrayal.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, with moments of fear, desperation, and betrayal that resonate with the audience. The characters' intense emotions and actions evoke strong reactions and empathy from the viewers.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, intense, and revealing, adding depth to the characters and advancing the plot. It conveys the characters' emotions, motivations, and conflicts effectively, keeping the audience engaged.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and suspenseful nature, as well as the emotional stakes and dramatic conflict between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, as well as allowing for emotional moments to resonate with the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a dramatic and suspenseful confrontation, with a clear build-up of tension and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene feels rushed and lacks emotional impact. The revelation that Persephone killed Natalia is delivered quickly, and the audience doesn't have time to process the information or feel the weight of the revelation.
  • The dialogue is clunky and doesn't feel natural. Phrases like "You are so naive" and "I was always crazy about you" feel forced and don't align with the characters' established personalities.
  • The transition from Irene's confession to the fight scene feels abrupt. The audience doesn't have time to understand Irene's motivation or react to her actions.
  • The fight scene itself is a bit confusing. It's hard to follow what's happening because the actions are described rather than shown.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Irene leaving. The audience doesn't get a sense of closure or understand the implications of what has just happened. The last line, "Now I must go, mistress." is an example of poor dialogue that doesn't feel natural for the character.
  • The scene lacks a clear focus. It's unclear what the purpose of the scene is: is it to reveal the truth about Natalia's death, to show Irene's dark side, or to set up the final confrontation with Marta?
Suggestions
  • Slow down the pace of the scene and give the audience more time to digest the information. Explore the emotions of the characters more deeply, particularly Irene's feelings of betrayal and anger.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it sound more natural and believable. Use more active voice and avoid cliché phrases.
  • Provide a clearer transition between the confession and the fight scene. Perhaps Irene could explain her motivations for killing Persephone or react to the news of Natalia's death.
  • Use more vivid language to describe the fight scene. Instead of just describing the actions, show the violence and the characters' reactions.
  • End the scene on a stronger note. Perhaps show Marta's reaction to being freed or give the audience a hint of what might happen next. For example, the scene could end with Marta getting to her feet, realizing that she is alone, and looking around her to see if Persephone might be alive.
  • Consider what the purpose of the scene is and focus the scene around that purpose. For example, if the purpose is to reveal the truth about Natalia's death, then focus on the dialogue and the characters' reactions to that revelation.
  • Provide additional exposition to help the audience better understand the characters' relationships and motivations. This is particularly important with regards to the sudden shift in Irene's character.



Scene 42 -  The Aftermath
169 EXT. VIGO COTTAGE - NIGHT.

Several police cars arrive at the house. JOAQUÍN comes out of
one of them, who has come with reinforcements.


170 INT. VIGO COTTAGE - NIGHT.

JOAQUIN finds MARTA sitting on the floor next to the corpses
of JOTA and PERSEPHONE.

JOAQUÍN
Good God, Martha!

He leans over her and puts his hand against her neck to feel
for her pulse.

JOAQUÍN (CONT’D)
Call an ambulance!

Marta sees Joaquín as if he were enveloped in a mist. He
looks terrified and seems to scream, although she doesn't
hear what he is saying. Little by little, Joaquín's face
becomes blurry to Marta, and she closes her eyes.

JOAQUÍN (CONT’D)
Martha, Martha! You're going to be
fine! Do you hear me?

FADE TO BLACK


171 INT. HOSPITAL - DAY.

MARTA is convalescing in a hospital bed. RODNEY is sitting
next to her. Marta wakes up and Rodney smiles when he sees
her.

RODNEY
Hello! How do you feel?

MARTA
Bad. She has escaped again.
130.


RODNEY
Don't think about that now.

Marta looks out the window next to her.

MARTA
It's like she wants to play with
me, as a challenge.

RODNEY
What makes you think that?

Marta shakes her head.

MARTA
She moves closer to me and away
from me intermittently. She wants
me to find her and then get lost.
Maybe she wanted me to kill her. I
don't know.

RODNEY
Now you just have to think about
recovering and getting out of here.
I'm going to be with you.

Rodney puts his hand on Marta's hand. She accepts it,
intertwining the fingers of both hands.


172 INT. MARTA'S APARTMENT/OFFICE - DAY.

MARTA is looking at photos of Irene on her laptop. She
deletes some. Her cell phone rings. It's a phone call from
her partner JOAQUÍN.

MARTA
Hello.

JOAQUÍN (OFF)
Hello. I have bad news.

MARTA
Let me guess. They're going to
suspend me.

JOAQUÍN (OFF)
Internal Affairs has opened an
investigation.
(MORE)
131.

JOAQUÍN (OFF) (CONT'D)
They think you could be Irene's
accomplice, having planned the
murders with her.

MARTA
That's ridiculous.

JOAQUÍN (OFF)
Not for them. And if you think
about it, there are details that
fit that hypothesis: you knew the
locations and you arrived before
the police; you saw Irene without
informing us and you let her escape
unpunished for all the crimes
committed.

MARTA
Wow, I'm pretty screwed.

JOAQUÍN
I believe in your innocence.

MARTA
Really? That's why you told the
boss that I had met Irene, and
about the house in Galicia.

JOAQUÍN
Marta, I...

MARTA
Goodbye, Joaquín.

Marta hangs up.


173 INT. MARTA'S APARTMENT/BEDROOM - NIGHT.

MARTA wakes up in the middle of the night due to the noise of
night traffic. She is sweaty from the heat, as is RODNEY, who
is next to her. Marta turns over in bed, restless, and Rodney
also wakes up, looks at Marta and tries to hug her; but she
rejects him abruptly.

Rodney gets out of bed without saying a word and heads to the
bathroom, where he turns on the shower.
132.


Marta glances sideways at the bathroom door, closes her eyes
and sighs. She gets out of bed and looks out the window.
Almost immediately, Rodney comes out of the shower naked and
with his body slightly soaked, half-dried, and Marta gives
him an indifferent look. Rodney lies back down on the bed.

RODNEY
Are you going back to bed?

Marta looks at him, but she doesn't answer. She leaves the
bedroom.


174 INT. MARTA'S APARTMENT/OFFICE - NIGHT.

MARTA enters the office, where she searches through her bag
and takes out a cigarette that she lights. There is a laptop
on the office table.

MARTA (OFF)
It's been more than a month since I
last saw Irene. My police
colleagues accuse me of letting her
escape, although they have been
unable to prove anything. Even
Rodney, without telling me, thinks
the same. It's hard to see how
certain people, even the ones you
least expect, point the finger at
you.

Marta plugs in her laptop. She sits on the couch and lets
herself slide down the back of it while she takes short drags
on the cigarette.

MARTA (OFF) (CONT’D)
Many people say that, if they could
go back in time, they would change
many decisions. At this point, and
despite the mistakes made, I don't
think I would change anything.

Marta accesses a Twitter account. On the other side, after a
few moments of waiting, Irene connects. Marta sees her on
video. She types her a private message: "ISN'T IT TOO LATE,
LOVE?" Marta turns on the microphone and the camera and
answers with authority.
133.


MARTA (CONT’D)
If it's not late for me it's not
late for you; so, get ready.

IRENE
I await your orders, mistress.

MARTA
Get naked and get on your knees.

IRENE
Okay, mistress.

Irene begins to undress. When she takes off her shirt, the
silver waning moon pendant is revealed.


THE END
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Marta is discovered in shock near the bodies of Jota and Persephone. Joaquín calls for an ambulance, and Marta is taken to the hospital, where she is comforted by Rodney. Despite Rodney's support, Marta struggles with the accusations surrounding her and Irene's actions. The scene ends with Marta rejecting Rodney's comfort and heading to her office to contact Irene via Twitter, hinting at a potentially tense interaction between the two.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Emotional depth
  • Complex character relationships
Weaknesses
  • Some elements of the plot may be confusing or convoluted

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is well-written, with a strong focus on character development, dialogue, and plot progression. The suspenseful atmosphere and emotional depth make it a compelling read.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene, which revolves around the final confrontation between the characters and the revelation of dark secrets, is executed effectively. The tension and suspense are maintained, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate and engaging, with twists and turns that keep the audience guessing. The resolution of the conflict between the characters adds depth to the storyline and sets the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime and mystery genre, with complex character dynamics and moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their motivations are clear, adding complexity to the scene. The interactions between the characters drive the plot forward and reveal their true nature.

Character Changes: 8

Marta undergoes a significant change in the scene, facing the consequences of her actions and making difficult decisions. Her character arc is compelling and adds depth to the storyline.

Internal Goal: 8

Marta's internal goal is to clear her name and prove her innocence in the face of suspicion and accusations. She is also grappling with feelings of betrayal and uncertainty in her relationships.

External Goal: 7

Marta's external goal is to confront Irene and potentially resolve the ongoing conflict between them. She is also dealing with the consequences of her actions and decisions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters is intense and drives the narrative forward. The high stakes and emotional tension create a sense of urgency and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Marta facing internal and external challenges that test her beliefs and values. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters' lives on the line and the resolution of long-standing conflicts at stake. The tension and suspense are heightened by the high stakes.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, resolving conflicts and setting the stage for future developments. The revelations and confrontations propel the narrative towards its climax.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable in its character interactions, plot twists, and moral dilemmas. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around trust, betrayal, and the blurred lines between right and wrong. Marta's moral compass is challenged as she navigates the complexities of her situation and relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene is emotionally charged, with moments of fear, anxiety, and determination. The characters' struggles and conflicts evoke a strong emotional response from the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, emotional, and realistic, capturing the tension and conflict between the characters. It adds depth to the scene and reveals the inner thoughts and feelings of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense emotional conflicts, suspenseful atmosphere, and compelling character dynamics. The unfolding events keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding events. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions contributes to its effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre. It enhances the readability and flow of the narrative.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced and structured format, effectively building tension and advancing the plot. It adheres to the expected structure for its genre.


Critique
  • The final scene feels rushed and anticlimactic, leaving the audience with more questions than answers.
  • The ending lacks a clear resolution. We are left with a sense of ambiguity and uncertainty about Irene's fate and the true nature of her relationship with Marta.
  • The scene relies heavily on exposition and narration, which can be tedious for the audience. The dialogue is lacking in emotional impact and feels artificial.
  • The scene's ending doesn't provide a satisfying conclusion for Marta's journey. It feels incomplete and leaves the audience wondering what happens next.
  • The scene's focus on internal affairs and the suspension of Marta undermines the narrative's momentum and weakens the emotional impact of the previous events.
  • The scene's ending, with Marta going back to her office and engaging in a virtual S&M session with Irene, feels jarring and dissonant with the tone of the previous scenes.
  • The ending lacks a sense of closure, leaving the audience with unanswered questions and a lingering sense of unease.
  • The inclusion of Irene's waning moon pendant in the final scene feels like a forced attempt to tie up loose ends, without adding any meaningful depth or context.
  • The final scene is not as visually engaging as the previous ones, lacking the dramatic elements and tense atmosphere of the earlier sequences.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose. It doesn't significantly advance the plot or add emotional depth to the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider ending the story with a more definitive resolution, either with Marta capturing Irene or Irene escaping successfully.
  • Focus on the emotional impact of the events on Marta. How does she feel about Irene's actions and her own involvement in the case? This could involve a powerful internal monologue or a final confrontation.
  • Cut down on the exposition and let the visual storytelling and dialogue do more of the work. Show, don't tell.
  • Explore the complex relationship between Marta and Irene. What are their motivations? What are the consequences of their actions?
  • Consider introducing a new element to the scene that elevates the stakes and adds another layer of complexity. For example, a sudden appearance of a new character or a twist in the plot.
  • End the scene with a strong visual image that leaves a lasting impression on the audience.
  • Revisit the pacing of the final scene, making sure that it feels earned and satisfying.
  • Consider using flashbacks to showcase the final moments of Irene's escape from the cottage or the aftermath of the killings of Jota and Persephone.
  • Explore the potential consequences for Marta and her career after the events of the story.
  • Consider the use of symbolism, imagery, and metaphor to add depth and complexity to the scene.