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Scene 1 -  A Day in the Life of Tom
EXT. HART CITY - DAWN

Dawn. The early light of day streams down on HART CITY,
an imaginary city in America, bringing the place into
illumination.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Once upon a time there was a
little chimney sweep, and his name
was Tom. He lived in a large city.

IMAGES OF THE BUSTLING CITY - Houses of varying sizes,
from small to large and magnificent. Stores. Roads. Parks.
Train tracks. People walking on the streets, sitting on
benches, conversing in parks. All the elements that you
would expect to see in a large city appear on screen.

INT. LARGE HOUSE/BEDROOM - DAY

Within an elegantly furnished room, a SWEEPING sound can be
heard emanating from an ornate fireplace. It is the sound
of Tom (age 11), working within the chimney scape.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
For Tom, there were always
plenty of chimneys to sweep.

Soot falls down onto the fireplace. The sound of
Tom COUGHING and SPLUTTERING can be heard.

INT. THE ORPHANAGE/TOM’S ROOM - NIGHT

In a small, messy and drab room, Tom looking
disheveled, sits at a battered desk, appearing as if he
is reading a book.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
He could not read nor write and
did not care to do either.

Frustrated with his inability to read, Tom throws the book
against the wall, it falls to the ground. He moves on to
his work materials, examining the brushes and sweepers
before gently placing them in a large hessian sack.
2.
Genres: ["Drama","Historical"]

Summary Tom, a young chimney sweep living in a bustling city, endures harsh working conditions. The scene contrasts the opulence of the city with Tom's impoverished life in an orphanage. Despite his desire to learn, Tom struggles with reading and ultimately prepares for another day of back-breaking labor.
Strengths
  • Effective establishment of setting and tone
  • Compelling introduction of protagonist's struggles
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue
  • Potential lack of immediate external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the protagonist's challenging circumstances and establishes a somber tone that draws the audience in.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a young chimney sweep facing adversity in a large city is compelling and sets the stage for potential growth and development.

Plot: 7

The plot introduces the protagonist's struggles and hints at potential conflicts to come, setting up the narrative effectively.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic trope of a young protagonist facing challenges in a historical setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are introduced with clear motivations and obstacles, laying the foundation for character development.

Character Changes: 6

The protagonist's frustration and actions hint at potential character growth and change in the future.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to overcome his frustration with his inability to read and write. This reflects his deeper desire for knowledge and education, as well as his fear of being stuck in his current circumstances.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to complete his chimney sweeping work efficiently and effectively. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in his job and the need to earn a living.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is internal at this stage, with the protagonist's frustration and lack of literacy driving the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to challenge the protagonist's beliefs and motivations, creating uncertainty for the audience.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are personal for the protagonist, with his struggle against illiteracy and challenging circumstances driving the narrative.

Story Forward: 7

The scene establishes the protagonist's circumstances and hints at future conflicts, moving the story forward effectively.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it presents a young protagonist facing unexpected challenges and internal struggles.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between the protagonist's desire for education and his current circumstances as a chimney sweep. This challenges his beliefs about his own potential and the value of knowledge.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of empathy for the protagonist's struggles and sets a poignant tone for the story.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal but serves to convey the protagonist's frustration and lack of literacy effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a relatable protagonist, establishes a vivid setting, and sets up compelling conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing visual description with character introspection, creating a sense of tension and anticipation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a focus on character development.


Critique
  • The scene opens with a generic description of a bustling city without any specific details or unique elements that set it apart from other cities. Consider adding specific characteristics or landmarks to make the city more memorable and engaging for the audience.
  • The transition from the city to Tom working in the fireplace feels abrupt and lacks a smooth flow. Consider adding a more seamless transition or a connecting element to make the scene transition more natural.
  • The narration describing Tom's inability to read and write is a tell rather than show. Instead of directly stating this information, consider showing Tom struggling with a book or attempting to write, which would make the audience empathize more with his situation.
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and connection with the audience. Consider adding moments of vulnerability or inner thoughts for Tom to make him more relatable and engaging.
  • The visual descriptions in the scene are limited to basic actions and settings. Consider adding more sensory details, emotions, and character insights to create a more vivid and immersive experience for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Add specific and unique details to the city to make it more memorable.
  • Improve the transition between the city and Tom working in the fireplace.
  • Show, rather than tell, Tom's struggles with reading and writing.
  • Enhance emotional depth by adding vulnerability and inner thoughts for Tom.
  • Include more sensory details, emotions, and character insights to create a vivid scene.



Scene 2 -  A Chimney Sweep's Burden
INT. MANSION/INSIDE CHIMNEY - DAY

A day of heavy work lies ahead in the grand home of a
customer. Tom cries as he climbs the walls of a chimney -
darkness all round with only a shred of light beaming
from the top. This is hard and miserable work.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
He cried when he had to climb
the dark flues, rubbing his
knees and elbows raw.

Successive IMAGES of a tired looking Tom working within
the chimney and also in the fireplace, appear onscreen.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
As for chimney sweeping, and being
hungry, and tired, he took all
that for the way of the world.
Never once imagining or believing
another life could be found.

EXT. MR. GRIMES’ COTTAGE - DAY

At Mr. Grimes’ small run down cottage, Tom is tending to
an overgrown, and unkempt garden -- One of the many
unending chores set by Grimes.
An elegantly dressed STABLE BOY riding a horse, enters Mr.
Grimes’ property.
STABLE BOY
I must speak with Mr. Grimes.
TOM
He is not here. What do you want?
STABLE BOY
Mr. Grimes must come to the
Estate tomorrow morning.
TOM
What for?
STABLE BOY
Mr. Goff’s chimney sweep has
gone to prison and the chimneys
need sweeping.

The Stable Boy rides away. Tom watches the Stable
Boy jealously until he has disappeared from view.
3.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Young Tom, a chimney sweep, faces the harsh realities of his laborious job, struggling with the dirty and dangerous task of cleaning chimneys. His weary body bears the marks of his relentless work, and he longs for a different life. A stable boy's arrival at Mr. Grimes' cottage, where Tom also works, brings news that the estate needs a chimney sweep immediately due to the imprisonment of the current one. Tom's yearning for a better life is evident in his envious gaze as the stable boy rides away, leaving him to his own difficult reality.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of protagonist's struggles
  • Introduction of potential turning point in the story
  • Emotional impact on the audience
Weaknesses
  • Limited interaction between characters
  • Lack of visual variety in the setting

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets the tone for the protagonist's struggles and introduces a potential turning point in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a young chimney sweep facing hardship and longing for a better life is compelling and relatable.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Tom receives news of a job opportunity, adding intrigue and potential conflict.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the challenges faced by chimney sweeps, delving into the protagonist's internal struggles and aspirations with authenticity and depth.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Tom is portrayed as a sympathetic character facing adversity, while the Stable Boy represents a contrasting life of privilege.

Character Changes: 7

Tom experiences jealousy and a glimmer of hope for a better future, hinting at potential character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find a way out of his current miserable existence and imagine a better life for himself. This reflects his deeper desire for freedom and a sense of hope for a brighter future.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to navigate the demands of his current job as a chimney sweep and potentially seize an opportunity for a better position at the Estate.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a conflict between Tom's current circumstances and his desire for a different life.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to challenge the protagonist's current circumstances and push him towards a decision that could change his fate.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are raised as Tom faces the opportunity to change his circumstances but also risks disappointment.

Story Forward: 8

The scene introduces a new plot development that could significantly impact the story's progression.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a new opportunity for the protagonist that could potentially change the course of his life, adding tension and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between accepting one's fate and yearning for a different life. Tom is torn between resigning himself to his current circumstances and daring to dream of a better future.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes emotions of sadness, jealousy, and hope for change.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the information about the job opportunity and highlights Tom's jealousy.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it immerses the audience in the protagonist's world, evoking empathy and curiosity about his journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing for moments of reflection and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a dramatic screenplay, with clear scene headings and concise dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively conveys the protagonist's daily routine and the sudden twist of a new opportunity at the Estate, following a coherent narrative progression.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys the harsh and miserable nature of Tom's work as a chimney sweep through his tears and the darkness surrounding him in the chimney.
  • The use of the narrator's voiceover adds depth to the scene by providing insight into Tom's emotions and the challenges he faces.
  • The transition from Tom working in the chimney to tending the garden at Mr. Grimes' cottage helps to establish the contrast between Tom's laborious life and the tasks assigned to him by his employer.
  • The introduction of the Stable Boy and the news about Mr. Goff's chimney sweep being imprisoned adds a layer of intrigue and sets up a potential conflict for Tom and Mr. Grimes.
  • The jealousy displayed by Tom towards the Stable Boy hints at underlying tensions and dynamics within the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual cues or actions to enhance the portrayal of Tom's emotions and struggles while working in the chimney.
  • Explore ways to further develop the relationship between Tom and Mr. Grimes through their interactions and the tasks assigned to Tom.
  • Introduce subtle hints or foreshadowing elements that can build anticipation for future events or conflicts in the story.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Tom and the Stable Boy to reveal more about their characters and motivations.
  • Consider incorporating sensory details to immerse the audience in the setting and atmosphere of the scene.



Scene 3 -  The Encounter at the Spring
EXT. MR. GRIMES’ COTTAGE - DAWN

It is the following day. Tom and Mr. Grimes set out for
Mr. Goff’s Estate. Grimes rides on a donkey, and Tom, who
carries a sack of chimney brushes, walks behind Mr. Grimes
and the donkey.
MONTAGE

A) Tom and Mr. Grimes walk through the city, past closed
shopfronts. It is quiet and eerie at this hour of the
morning. They encounter some STRANGERS. Mr. Grimes
greets them but he is ignored.

B) The city has been replaced by country landscape. Dusty
roads. Farms and fields. The sounds of birds chirping.
Cows on the pasture. Tom observes the countryside with
great interest.
END MONTAGE

EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY

Tom and Mr. Grimes meet a poor IRISH WOMAN. Taking a strong
liking to the Irish Woman, Mr. Grimes calls out to her.

MR. GRIMES
(smoking a pipe)
This is a hard road. Would you
like to get up and ride behind me?
IRISH WOMAN
No, thank you. I’d sooner walk
with your little boy here.
MR. GRIMES
You may please yourself.
The Irish Woman walks over to Tom and kindly smiles at him.
Tom looks away. They continue walking.
TOM
Where do you live?
IRISH WOMAN
Far away by the sea.
TOM
I should like to go to the sea.
4.


IRISH WOMAN
Perhaps one day you will.

EXT. COUNTRYSIDE/A SPRING - LATER

The trio, exhausted from traveling, stop to rest. Mr.
Grimes climbs down off his donkey, hurries to the spring,
and begins to wash his face.

Tom and the Irish Woman cut and gather flowers. After a
few moments, Tom stops, and stares at Mr. Grimes.
TOM
Why, Mr. Grimes, I never saw you
do that before.
MR. GRIMES
And you never will again.
TOM
I wish I might go and dip my
head in the spring.
MR. GRIMES
Come along.
TOM
I don’t care for you!

Ignoring Mr. Grimes, Tom runs to the stream, and begins to
wash his face. Furious, Mr. Grimes lunges towards Tom,
grabs and violently shakes him. The Irish Woman leaps to
Tom’s defense.
IRISH WOMAN
Are you not ashamed of yourself,
Grimes?

Mr. Grimes is startled and taken aback by the Irish Woman
knowing his name. How could she know his name? He looks
at her suspiciously.
MR. GRIMES
No, nor never was yet.
IRISH WOMAN
True for you. If you ever had been
ashamed of yourself, you would have
gone over into Vendale long ago.
5.


MR. GRIMES
What do you know about Vendale?
IRISH WOMAN
I know a lot and about Vendale
and about you, too.
MR. GRIMES
You do?

Mr. Grimes lets go of Tom. He has a new target now. With
great intrigue, Mr. Grimes walks to the Irish Woman,
contemplating an attack on her. He stands aggressively
before her. Courageously, the Irish Woman stares
defiantly at Grimes.
IRISH WOMAN
Yes, I was there.
MR. GRIMES
You are no Irish Woman by your
speech.
IRISH WOMAN
Never mind who I am.
MR. GRIMES
You intrigue me.
IRISH WOMAN
I saw what I saw, and if you strike
that boy, I can tell what I know.

Mr. Grimes, frightened by threats of exposure, returns
to his donkey, preparing to ride away.

IRISH WOMAN (CONT’D)
Stop! I have one more word for
you both, for you will both see
me again before all is over.

Tom and Mr. Grimes turn in her direction, giving the
Irish Woman their full attention.

IRISH WOMAN (CONT’D)
Those that wish to be clean,
clean they will be, and those
that wish to be foul, foul they
will be. Remember.

The Irish Woman walks through a gate into a meadow and
disappears. Mr. Grimes rides after her. Tom follows.
6.


MR. GRIMES
Hey! You come back! You come back!
Genres: ["Drama","Historical","Adventure"]

Summary Tom and Mr. Grimes continue their journey, encountering an Irish Woman who shows kindness towards Tom. When Mr. Grimes violently shakes Tom, the Irish Woman intervenes, revealing she knows Mr. Grimes and threatening to expose him. Frightened, Mr. Grimes rides away on his donkey, followed by Tom.
Strengths
  • Intriguing introduction of the Irish Woman
  • Tension and mystery in the dialogue
  • Character dynamics and conflicts
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be slightly repetitive or on-the-nose

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces a new character and sets up potential conflicts and mysteries, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, introducing a mysterious Irish Woman and hinting at hidden secrets, adds depth and intrigue to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses with the introduction of the Irish Woman and the tension between the characters, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique characters and situations, such as the encounter with the Irish Woman and the moral conflict between Mr. Grimes and Tom. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially the Irish Woman and Tom, show depth and complexity in their interactions, hinting at potential growth and revelations.

Character Changes: 6

Tom shows defiance towards Mr. Grimes, hinting at potential growth and change in his character.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal is to explore the world beyond his current surroundings and to seek adventure. This reflects his desire for freedom and curiosity about the unknown.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to accompany Mr. Grimes on their journey to Mr. Goff's Estate. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Mr. Grimes, Tom, and the Irish Woman adds tension and intrigue to the scene, setting up future confrontations.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and motivations driving the characters' actions. The audience is left unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised with the introduction of the mysterious Irish Woman and the tensions between the characters, hinting at potential consequences and revelations.

Story Forward: 8

The scene introduces new elements, characters, and conflicts, moving the story forward and setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, such as the Irish Woman's cryptic warnings and Mr. Grimes' aggressive behavior.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Mr. Grimes' harsh treatment of Tom and the Irish Woman's defense of him. It challenges Mr. Grimes' values and actions, forcing him to confront his own behavior.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes tension, curiosity, and defiance, engaging the audience emotionally.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys tension and mystery, adding layers to the characters and their relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense atmosphere, rich character interactions, and mysterious elements that keep the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action and dialogue that keeps the audience engaged. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic narrative, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively sets up the dynamic between Tom, Mr. Grimes, and the Irish Woman, showcasing their interactions and the tension between them.
  • The dialogue between the characters reveals their personalities and motivations, adding depth to the scene.
  • The visual descriptions of the countryside and the characters' actions help create a vivid picture of the setting and the characters' emotions.
  • The conflict between Tom's desire for a better life and Mr. Grimes' harsh treatment of him is well portrayed, adding layers to the scene.
  • The introduction of the Irish Woman adds intrigue and foreshadows future developments in the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for Tom to provide insight into his character and motivations.
  • Explore the backstory of the Irish Woman further to enhance her mysterious and intriguing presence in the scene.
  • Add more sensory details to immerse the reader in the setting and enhance the atmosphere of the scene.
  • Consider incorporating subtle hints or clues about the Irish Woman's connection to Mr. Grimes to build suspense and intrigue.
  • Ensure that the dialogue and actions of the characters align with their motivations and personalities to maintain consistency throughout the scene.



Scene 4 -  A Suspicious Welcome
EXT. THE MEADOW - MOMENTS LATER

Tom and Mr. Grimes reach the meadow. The Irish Woman is
nowhere to be found. Mr. Grimes looks dumbfounded. Where
has she gone? Tom smirks. He has found an ally at last.

EXT. THE ESTATE/GATES - DAY

Monumental iron gates with stone posts surround the
magnificent and expansive Estate. On top of the posts
sit ferocious looking stone GARGOYLES, with sharp teeth
and horns.

Mr. Grimes rings the BELL, and a CARETAKER appears and
opens the gates.
CARETAKER
I was told to expect you. Now be
so good as to not let me find
anything on you when you come
back. I shall look sharp for what
does not belong to you.
MR. GRIMES
Not if it’s in the bottom of my
bag.
Mr. Grimes and the Caretaker LAUGH.
CARETAKER
If that’s the type you are, I
may as well walk up with you.
MR. GRIMES
I think you best had.

EXT. THE ESTATE/LONG AVENUE - MOMENTS LATER

The Caretaker, Mr. Grimes and Tom walk along a long
avenue surrounded by lime trees. A strange MURMURING
NOISE is heard.
TOM
What is that noise?
7.


CARETAKER
The noise is from the bees
around the lime flowers.
TOM
What are bees?
CARETAKER
They make honey.
TOM
What is honey?
MR. GRIMES
Shut your mouth!
CARETAKER
Leave him alone. He’s a civil young
boy, and that’s more than he’ll be,
as long as he stays with you.

Mr. Grimes CHUCKLES, very pleased with himself.
TOM
I wish I lived in such a
beautiful place.

The Caretaker and Mr. Grimes begin to talk in lowered
voices. Muffled sounds...an inaudible conversation.

MOMENTS LATER
Mr. Grimes squeezes the Caretaker’s shoulder.
MR. GRIMES
Do you have anything against me?
CARETAKER
Not now.
MR. GRIMES
Then don’t ask me any questions
until you have, for I am a man
of honor.

Mr. Grimes and the Caretaker are amused, and both ROAR
with LAUGHTER.
8.
Genres: ["Drama","Historical"]

Summary Mr. Grimes and Tom enter a grand estate, passing through imposing iron gates guarded by a suspicious caretaker. The caretaker warns Mr. Grimes to be careful about what he brings in, hinting at a hidden agenda. Despite the tension, they maintain a facade of politeness, laughing at a seemingly harmless exchange. Tom, oblivious to the underlying conflict, marvels at the beauty of the estate and the buzzing bees. The scene ends with an unsettling air of mystery and unresolved suspicion.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing characters
  • Mysterious atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly cryptic
  • Character motivations could be further developed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets the tone for the story, introducing key characters and establishing a sense of mystery and conflict. The dialogue is engaging, and the interactions between the characters are compelling.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a young chimney sweep navigating the challenges of his life while encountering mysterious figures like the Irish Woman and the Caretaker is intriguing and sets the stage for further developments in the plot.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Tom and Mr. Grimes journey to the Estate, encountering new characters and facing unexpected challenges. The introduction of the Caretaker adds depth to the story and raises questions about Mr. Grimes' past.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as the stone gargoyles, the mysterious conversation between characters, and the philosophical conflict about honor.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, particularly Tom, Mr. Grimes, and the Irish Woman, are well-developed and engaging. Each character brings a unique perspective to the scene, adding depth and complexity to the story.

Character Changes: 6

While there are subtle shifts in the dynamics between the characters, particularly in Tom's growing confidence and the revelation of Mr. Grimes' past, the scene focuses more on establishing the characters and setting up future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal is to find an ally, as reflected in his smirk when Mr. Grimes looks dumbfounded. This reflects his deeper need for companionship and support.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the estate and interact with the caretaker. This reflects the immediate challenge of gaining access to the estate and potentially uncovering secrets.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily stemming from the tension between Mr. Grimes and the Caretaker, as well as the mysterious presence of the Irish Woman. The conflict adds depth to the story and drives the plot forward.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with subtle conflicts and power dynamics between characters that create tension.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderately high in the scene, as Tom and Mr. Grimes embark on a journey to the Estate, encountering new challenges and mysteries along the way. The presence of the Caretaker and the Irish Woman adds a sense of danger and intrigue to the story.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new characters, conflicts, and mysteries. The journey to the Estate sets the stage for further developments and raises questions about the characters' pasts and motivations.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected character interactions, mysterious elements, and philosophical conflict.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict is evident in the conversation between Tom, Mr. Grimes, and the caretaker about honor and civility. This challenges Mr. Grimes' values and behavior.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and curiosity to amusement and intrigue. The interactions between the characters and the unfolding mystery create a sense of emotional engagement for the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and engaging, revealing the dynamics between the characters and driving the plot forward. The interactions between Tom, Mr. Grimes, and the Caretaker are filled with tension and humor.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the mysterious atmosphere, witty dialogue, and character dynamics that keep the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed dialogue and scene transitions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper dialogue formatting and scene descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear scene transitions and character interactions.


Critique
  • The transition from the meadow to the estate gates feels abrupt and lacks a smooth connection. It would benefit from a smoother transition to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Mr. Grimes and the Caretaker, while providing some insight into their characters, feels a bit forced and could be more subtly written to enhance the natural flow of conversation.
  • The introduction of the bees and honey by the Caretaker seems a bit out of place and disconnected from the previous interactions. It could be integrated more seamlessly into the conversation to avoid feeling random.
  • The muffled sounds of the private conversation between Mr. Grimes and the Caretaker could be made clearer to the audience to add intrigue and build tension effectively.
  • The humor in the scene, particularly Mr. Grimes' reaction to the Caretaker's question, could be enhanced by more nuanced delivery and timing to make the laughter feel more genuine and engaging.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the transition between the meadow and the estate gates to create a more cohesive narrative flow.
  • Work on the dialogue between Mr. Grimes and the Caretaker to make it more natural and less forced, allowing the characters' personalities to shine through organically.
  • Integrate the discussion about bees and honey more smoothly into the conversation to ensure it feels relevant and connected to the overall scene.
  • Clarify the muffled sounds of the private conversation to build suspense and intrigue effectively for the audience.
  • Fine-tune the humor in the scene to ensure it lands effectively, adding depth to the characters and engaging the audience more effectively.



Scene 5 -  Chimney Sweep Chaos
EXT. THE ESTATE/MANSION - MOMENTS LATER

Tom, Mr. Grimes and the Caretaker arrive at the Mansion,
an aristocratic and elegant place. The garden flowers are
in full bloom.

Tom and Mr. Grimes are led by the Caretaker to the
back entrance which is used by employees.

INT. THE ESTATE/HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER

Entering the opulent mansion, Tom feels so out of place,
with his torn clothing and scuffed shoes. Mr. Grimes
feels right at home, as he puts on false airs and
jealously observes the contents of the mansion.

The HOUSEKEEPER appears, wearing a black uniform with a
white apron. She greets Tom and Mr. Grimes in the
hallway. She is all business, and does not concern
herself with any formalities.
HOUSEKEEPER
You will take care of all the
chimneys. I will show you where
to begin.
MR. GRIMES
(to Tom)
You’ll mind that, you little
beggar!

The Housekeeper walks down the hallway, leading the way
as Tom and Mr. Grimes follow her.

INT. THE ESTATE/STUDY ROOM - CONTINUOUS

The Housekeeper leads Tom and Mr. Grimes into an enormous
room. The furniture is covered with sheets of brown paper.

HOUSEKEEPER
And now you can begin.
Mr. Grimes kicks Tom up into a chimney. Tom YELPS.

INT. THE ESTATE/CHIMNEY - LATER

After a long day at work, Tom, tired and confused, has
become lost in the chimney pathways. Uncertain of his
starting point, he goes back and forth along the
chimney pathways. Confusion etched on his face.
9.


NARRATOR (V.O.)
How many chimneys Tom swept, I
cannot say, but he swept so many
that he got tired and puzzled.

Tom climbs down a chimney he assumes leads to the study
room, where he began his work. Unfortunately this is
not so.
NARRATOR (V.O.)(CONT’D)
So Tom fairly lost his way in them.

INT. THE ESTATE/ELLIE’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Tom emerges from the chimney to find himself standing on a
rug in a large and exquisitely decorated bedroom. Tom
GASPS at the beauty of the room.

Tom examines a photograph on the wall in a gilded frame.
The photo depicts MR. GOFF and his WIFE with their
CHILDREN, including ELLIE.

Looking at the bed, Tom sees Ellie sleeping. She looks like a
porcelain doll. Tom catches sight of his dirty and ragged
reflection in a mirror. Horrified, Tom bursts into tears, and
moves quickly to escape but trips over a small stool.

The noise awakens Ellie. She sees Tom and SCREAMS.

The NANNY bursts into the room and grabs Tom. Tom
wriggles out of her arms, and with great speed darts to
an open window.

EXT. THE ESTATE/GARDENS - CONTINUOUS

Tom emerges from Ellie’s bedroom window, and climbs down a
large tree. He runs through the cultivated gardens, making
a dash for his livelihood.

INT. THE ESTATE/ELLIE’S BEDROOM - SAME

From the bedroom window, the Nanny frantically screams
for help.
NANNY
Stop thief! Help! Help! Help!
10.


EXT/INT. THE ESTATE - SAME
The STAFF hear the Nanny’s shrieks, and spring into action.
Commotion ensues.

A GARDENER, throws down his scythe, cuts his shin yet
runs after Tom.

The Housekeeper, inside the mansion, upon hearing the
Nanny’s shouting, abandons her cooking, and runs to
pursue Tom.

The Stable Boy, accidentally releases the HORSES from
the stable, and joins in the chase for Tom.

Startled by the Nanny’s shouting, Mr. Grimes mistakenly lets
all the soot out of the soot bag before joining the pursuit.

The Irish Woman, walking towards the house, swiftly
changes direction to follow Tom. Somehow she knows what is
going on and also where Tom is heading.

Hearing all of the mayhem, Mr. Goff’s Wife lazily looks
out of a window. Her wig falls into the garden.
Genres: ["Drama","Adventure"]

Summary Tom, a young chimney sweep, is brought to a grand mansion to clean the chimneys. After being mistreated by Mr. Grimes and the Housekeeper, Tom becomes lost in the intricate chimney system. He accidentally emerges in Ellie's bedroom, where he is overwhelmed by his surroundings and cries. When he tries to escape, he wakes Ellie, causing a panicked Nanny to pursue him. This triggers a wild chase throughout the mansion as the entire staff, including the Gardener, Stable Boy, and Mr. Grimes, give chase. The scene ends with Tom fleeing into the gardens as the staff closes in.
Strengths
  • Engaging plot development
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Well-developed characters
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Character motivations could be further explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, filled with tension, and introduces a new layer of mystery and conflict. The unexpected turn of events and the high stakes of the chase keep the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a chimney sweep getting lost in a grand mansion and encountering a young girl adds depth to the story and introduces new challenges for the characters. The scene effectively blends elements of drama, adventure, and mystery.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly in this scene as Tom's accidental encounter with Ellie leads to a chaotic chase, showcasing the contrast between the lower-class chimney sweep and the wealthy inhabitants of the mansion. The scene sets up future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the theme of social class disparity through Tom's experiences in the mansion. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the authenticity of the setting.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, especially Tom and Ellie, are well-developed in this scene. Tom's determination and confusion, along with Ellie's fear and shock, add depth to their personalities. Mr. Grimes and the other supporting characters also play crucial roles in the unfolding events.

Character Changes: 7

Tom undergoes a significant change in this scene, from confusion and frustration to determination and fear as he navigates the mansion and encounters Ellie. Ellie also experiences a change from shock to curiosity and empathy towards Tom.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal is to navigate the unfamiliar and intimidating environment of the mansion while maintaining his sense of self-worth and dignity despite being treated poorly by Mr. Grimes and the Housekeeper.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal is to escape the mansion and return to his normal life, avoiding any further mistreatment or danger.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as Tom navigates the unfamiliar mansion, encounters Ellie, and gets caught in a chaotic chase. The clash of social classes, the pursuit of Tom, and the high stakes of the situation create intense conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with multiple obstacles and challenges that keep the audience on edge and unsure of the outcome.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the scene are evident in the chaotic chase, the clash of social classes, and the potential consequences of Tom's actions. The characters are faced with challenging situations that could have a significant impact on their lives.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting up future events. Tom's accidental encounter with Ellie and the ensuing chase have long-lasting consequences for the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, such as Tom's accidental entry into Ellie's bedroom and the ensuing chase sequence.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between social classes and the inherent inequality and injustice that comes with it. This challenges Tom's beliefs about fairness and equality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including fear, shock, determination, and empathy. The audience is emotionally invested in Tom's plight, Ellie's reaction, and the outcome of the chase, creating a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the tension, fear, and confusion experienced by the characters. The interactions between Tom, Mr. Grimes, the Housekeeper, and the other characters drive the plot forward and reveal important information.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines elements of suspense, drama, and emotional depth, keeping the audience invested in Tom's journey and the unfolding events.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a balance of slower moments for character introspection and faster-paced action sequences.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined beats and transitions between different locations within the mansion, effectively building tension and momentum.


Critique
  • The scene effectively sets up the contrast between the opulent mansion and Tom's humble appearance, highlighting the social divide between the characters.
  • The tension between Mr. Grimes and Tom is palpable, with Mr. Grimes displaying his disdain for Tom through his actions and words.
  • The Housekeeper's no-nonsense attitude adds to the atmosphere of the scene, emphasizing the strict hierarchy within the mansion.
  • The visual descriptions of the setting, from the elegant mansion to the covered furniture, help to create a vivid picture for the audience.
  • The climax of the scene, where Tom becomes lost in the chimney pathways and accidentally emerges in Ellie's bedroom, adds a sense of urgency and suspense to the narrative.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for Tom to deepen his character development and provide insight into his feelings about his surroundings.
  • Explore the dynamics between Tom, Mr. Grimes, and the Housekeeper further to enhance the interpersonal conflicts and power dynamics within the scene.
  • Introduce more sensory details to immerse the audience in the opulence of the mansion and the chaos of the chase sequence, enhancing the visual and emotional impact.
  • Provide more context or foreshadowing for the Irish Woman's knowledge and actions, adding layers to her character and motivations.
  • Consider incorporating subtle hints or clues throughout the scene to build anticipation and suspense for future plot developments.



Scene 6 -  Tom's Journey to the Valley
EXT. THE WOODS - DAY

As the pursuit continues, Tom has reached the woods.
Frantically, Tom squeezes into a heavy cover of
rhododendrons. He is entangled, as the space is tight.
Boughs hold his arms and legs back, and graze his face
and body. Fear engulfs him.
TOM
I must get out of this!

With all his might, Tom forces his way through
the rhododendrons till he reaches a stone wall.
TOM (CONT’D)
I must not stay here because
somebody will find me.
Tom climbs over the stone wall.

EXT. THE WOODS - SAME

The Staff run in the opposite direction to Tom. They
are oblivious to where he is actually located.
11.


EXT. THE WOODS - SAME

The Irish Woman knowingly climbs over the stone wall,
and walks calmly along the wall towards Tom. Strangely,
the Irish Woman detects Tom’s whereabouts.

EXT. HILL TOP - LATER

Tom reaches a hillside, tired and out of breath, he stops
to recuperate. Huge SPIDERS vigorously shake their webs
until they are invisible. Brown and gray LIZARDS fearfully
scurry under the shrubs and rocks.

Tom sees a BEAR and her CUBS. The bear lies on her back,
rolling and stretching her body in the sunshine. The
cubs play around her.
An agitated bird, a GROUSE and his WIFE enter.
GROUSE
Cur-ru-u-uck, cur-ru-u-uk-murder,
thieves, fire-cur-u-uck-kick-the
end of the world is come-kick-
kick-kick-kick.

The Grouse Wife irritatingly rolls her eyes, having
heard all of this before.
TOM
It is not the end of the world!
I tell you it is not the end of
the world yet.
GROUSE WIFE
I have told him the same.
GROUSE
Kick-Kick-kick, my dears, the end
of the world is not quite come, but
I assure you, it is coming the day
after tomorrow.
GROUSE WIFE
(skeptical)
Kick-kick-kick, go and catch
spiders, go and catch spiders.
Kick.

Tom hears the sound of CHURCH BELLS, and is struck by
a sudden idea.
12.


TOM
Where there is a church, there
will be people. Perhaps, someone
will give me some food and a place
to rest.

Tom looks out from the hill. He is stunned by the
immensity of the view.
TOM (CONT’D)
Why, what a big place the world is!
BEHIND TOM
are the woods.
IN THE DISTANCE
Tom sees the river turning into the sea.
IN FRONT OF TOM

is a rocky valley filled with trees. At the bottom of
the valley is a large stream.
NEXT TO THE STREAM

Tom sees a cottage beside a small school. An OLD LADY is
slowly weeding in the garden. The CHURCH BELLS ring
again. Tom moves down the hillside, towards the cottage.
Genres: ["Drama","Adventure"]

Summary Escaping the Staff in the woods, Tom hides and then climbs over a wall, followed by the strangely perceptive Irish Woman. He continues on, encountering a grumpy grouse predicting the end of the world and a bear with her cubs. Drawn by church bells, Tom seeks help and is struck by the vastness of the world. He reaches a valley where he spots a cottage and school, and an old lady tending a garden. Hopeful for shelter and sustenance, he makes his way towards the cottage.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Creating a sense of mystery and danger
  • Engaging character development
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Some cliched animal interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through Tom's escape in the woods, keeping the audience engaged and curious about his fate.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a chimney sweep escaping into the woods and encountering various animals and a church adds depth and mystery to the storyline.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Tom tries to evade capture and finds himself in a new setting, setting up potential future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its depiction of the wilderness and the interactions between characters. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Tom's character is further developed as he shows fear, curiosity, and hope in the face of danger, making him more relatable and engaging.

Character Changes: 6

Tom undergoes a subtle change as he faces danger and uncertainty, showing resilience and resourcefulness.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal in this scene is to find safety and shelter. This reflects his deeper need for security and survival.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal is to find help and resources. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the wilderness.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Tom and his pursuers creates tension and drives the action forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and obstacles for the protagonist, adding depth to the story.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Tom tries to escape his pursuers and find safety in the unknown woods.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by placing Tom in a new situation and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions between characters and the uncertain outcome of Tom's situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the Grouse and Tom regarding the end of the world. This challenges Tom's beliefs about the future and his own survival.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, curiosity, and hope in the audience, creating an emotional connection to Tom's plight.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal but serves its purpose in conveying the urgency and emotions of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the suspenseful pursuit, the unique setting, and the quirky interactions between characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in Tom's story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, adhering to the expected format for a screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension and resolution. It effectively conveys the protagonist's goals and challenges.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency and tension during Tom's escape in the woods. The description of Tom struggling through the rhododendrons and climbing over the stone wall could be more intense to convey his fear and desperation.
  • The transition between Tom being pursued by the staff and the Irish Woman knowingly climbing over the wall feels abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • The introduction of various animals like spiders, lizards, a bear, and a grouse adds an interesting element to the scene but may distract from the main focus of Tom's escape. These elements could be integrated more seamlessly to enhance the overall narrative.
  • The dialogue between the Grouse and his Wife, while adding a touch of whimsy, may feel slightly out of place in the context of Tom's escape. It could be streamlined to maintain the tension and urgency of the scene.
  • The revelation of the church bells and Tom's decision to head towards them is a pivotal moment in the scene but could be emphasized more to highlight Tom's hope for help and safety.
Suggestions
  • Consider ramping up the intensity of Tom's escape by describing his physical and emotional struggle in more detail.
  • Smooth out the transition between the pursuit by the staff and the Irish Woman's arrival to maintain the coherence of the scene.
  • Integrate the presence of animals more organically into the narrative to avoid detracting from the main plotline.
  • Streamline the dialogue between the Grouse and his Wife to ensure it complements the scene's tone and pacing.
  • Enhance the significance of the church bells and Tom's decision to head towards them to underscore his desperation and hope for assistance.



Scene 7 -  A Kindly Act
EXT. VENDALE - DAY

Tom walks in the direction of the cottage. The path
is strewn with long grass and wild flowers.
TOM
Ah! This will suit me fine!

Feverish and ill, Tom rests. MIDGES run all over him. FLIES
settle on his nose. GNATS pick at his hands. Unbeknown to
Tom, the Irish Woman is nearby, quietly observing him.


EXT/INT. VENDALE/OLD LADY’S COTTAGE - NIGHT

The cottage is surrounded by hedges cut into a variety
of shapes. Tom stands outside the open cottage doorway
and peers in.

An Old Lady sits by a fireplace, dozing, with a large CAT
at her feet. She wears spectacles.
13.


The cottage is filled with prints on the walls. A cuckoo
clock CHIMES. The Old Lady awakens and notices Tom.

OLD LADY
Who are you and what do you want?
TOM
My name is Tom. I am a chimney
sweep.

The Old Lady is displeased, and makes no secret of
her feelings.
OLD LADY
A chimney sweep! Get away from
here! I’ll have no sweeps here.
TOM
Water!
OLD LADY
Water? There is plenty in the back.
TOM
But I can’t get there.
Exhausted and sick, Tom collapses on the doorstep.
OLD LADY
(softly)
He’s sick and a baby’s a baby.
TOM
Water.
OLD LADY
I’ll give you milk. Wait here a
moment.
The Old Lady walks away into the kitchen.
Genres: ["Drama","Historical","Adventure"]

Summary A sick and exhausted chimney sweep, Tom, collapses on the doorstep of an Old Lady's cottage. Initially, the Old Lady refuses to help him, but witnessing his weakened state, she ultimately relents and brings him a glass of milk.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Atmospheric setting
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the struggles and emotions of the characters, setting a somber yet hopeful tone that engages the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a chimney sweep seeking refuge and compassion in a stranger's home adds depth to Tom's character and introduces a new dynamic to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as Tom seeks help and encounters the Old Lady, leading to a potential turning point in his journey.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the classic theme of social class divide and human empathy. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Tom and the Old Lady, are well-developed and evoke empathy from the audience through their interactions.

Character Changes: 7

Tom experiences a moment of vulnerability and potential connection with the Old Lady, hinting at a shift in his journey.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal is to find help and shelter despite his illness and exhaustion. This reflects his deeper need for care and compassion.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal is to get water to quench his thirst. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing due to his illness and inability to move.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is tension in Tom's desperate situation, the scene focuses more on emotional struggles rather than external conflicts.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the Old Lady's reluctance to help Tom creating a barrier for him to overcome.

High Stakes: 5

While Tom's well-being is at stake, the focus is more on emotional and relational stakes in this scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene introduces a new dynamic and potential turning point for Tom's story, moving the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the outcome of Tom's interaction with the Old Lady is uncertain, leaving the audience wondering how it will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between social classes and the lack of empathy towards those in need. This challenges Tom's beliefs about human kindness and compassion.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene elicits strong emotions from the audience, particularly empathy and hope for Tom's well-being.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and intentions of the characters, enhancing the scene's impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension between the characters, the sense of mystery surrounding the Old Lady, and the reader's curiosity about Tom's fate.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, keeping the reader engaged in the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue format.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from Tom walking towards the cottage to suddenly being feverish and ill, with insects crawling all over him. This sudden shift in Tom's condition is jarring and could be better explained or shown.
  • The introduction of the Irish Woman observing Tom feels random and disconnected from the rest of the scene. Her presence could be better integrated into the narrative to add depth and purpose.
  • The dialogue between Tom and the Old Lady lacks depth and emotion. There is an opportunity to explore the Old Lady's initial reluctance to help Tom and Tom's desperation for water in a more engaging way.
  • The setting description of the cottage and the Old Lady's surroundings is detailed but could be further enhanced to create a more vivid and immersive atmosphere for the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, with Tom collapsing on the doorstep abruptly. There is a need for more build-up and tension to create a stronger emotional impact.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a transition or explanation for Tom's sudden illness to create a smoother flow in the scene.
  • Integrate the Irish Woman's presence more meaningfully into the narrative to enhance the overall story.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Tom and the Old Lady to add depth to their interaction and showcase their contrasting personalities.
  • Expand on the setting description of the cottage and the Old Lady's surroundings to create a more immersive and detailed environment.
  • Adjust the pacing of the scene to allow for more build-up and emotional impact, particularly in the moment of Tom collapsing on the doorstep.



Scene 8 -  A Helping Hand in the Woods
INT/EXT. VENDALE/OLD LADY’S COTTAGE - MOMENTS LATER

The Old Lady returns to the doorway where Tom rests. She
offers Tom bread and a cup of milk. Tom drinks the milk
and is partially revived.
OLD LADY
Where did you come from?
14.

TOM
(pointing)
Over there.
OLD LADY
Are you sure you are not lying?
TOM
Why would I?
OLD LADY
And how did you get up here?
TOM
I came over from the woods.
OLD LADY
And you have not been stealing
then?
TOM
No. I don’t feel well.
OLD LADY
Why don’t you eat the bread?

The Old Lady offers the bread to Tom. He shakes his
head, clutching his stomach.
TOM
I can’t.
OLD LADY
It’s good enough, for I made it
myself.
TOM
I can’t...Is it Sunday?
OLD LADY
No. Why should it be?
TOM
Because I hear the church bells
ringing so.
OLD LADY
You are ill. Come with me. I’ll
put you up somewhere. Come along
now. You need to rest.

Tom tries to stand but is too weak to do so alone. With the
help of the Old Lady, Tom gets back on his feet. Leaning on
the Old Lady, Tom slowly makes his way towards the barn.
15.
Genres: ["Drama","Historical"]

Summary After Tom's encounter with the ghostly figure in the woods, the Old Lady returns with bread and milk. While Tom accepts the milk and feels slightly better, he refuses the bread and claims to hear church bells, possibly a sign of his illness. Suspicious of his story, the Old Lady nevertheless shows kindness and helps him to his feet, leading him towards the barn for rest.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Atmospheric setting
Weaknesses
  • Limited action
  • Low conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the harsh reality of Tom's situation while also highlighting moments of compassion and hope. The dialogue and interactions between Tom and the Old Lady are engaging and emotionally resonant.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a chance encounter between a sick chimney sweep and a kind stranger in a rural setting is compelling and sets the stage for potential character development and thematic exploration.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the unexpected meeting between Tom and the Old Lady, leading to a moment of vulnerability and connection. It moves the story forward by introducing a new setting and character dynamic.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar situation of a stranger seeking help from a kind-hearted individual, but adds depth through the subtle philosophical conflict and the characters' nuanced emotions and motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Tom is portrayed as a sympathetic and vulnerable character, while the Old Lady is initially suspicious but ultimately shows compassion. Their interactions reveal layers of complexity and potential for growth.

Character Changes: 7

Both Tom and the Old Lady experience a shift in their perspectives and behaviors, leading to a deeper understanding of each other and themselves.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find help and rest as he is feeling unwell. This reflects his deeper need for care and support, as well as his fear of being alone and vulnerable.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find a place to rest and recover from his illness. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing of being weak and in need of assistance.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

While there is tension in the initial suspicion between Tom and the Old Lady, the scene primarily focuses on moments of connection and compassion, leading to a lower conflict level.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, as the Old Lady's suspicions challenge Tom's credibility and intentions.

High Stakes: 4

While Tom's illness and vulnerability create a sense of urgency, the scene primarily focuses on moments of kindness and connection rather than high-stakes conflict.

Story Forward: 7

The scene introduces a new setting and character dynamic, setting the stage for potential developments in the story. It also deepens the emotional connection between Tom and the audience.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the Old Lady and Tom, as well as the mystery surrounding Tom's illness and background.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict evident in the scene between trust and suspicion. The Old Lady's questioning of Tom's honesty and intentions challenges his beliefs about human nature and trust.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the portrayal of Tom's vulnerability and the Old Lady's kindness. The moment of connection between them is poignant and memorable.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and intentions of the characters, adding depth to their interactions. It also establishes the tone and atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters, the tension between trust and suspicion, and the unfolding mystery of Tom's situation.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and emotion, leading to a satisfying resolution. The rhythm of the dialogue and action enhances the effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character motivations, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension, considering Tom's desperate situation. The Old Lady's initial suspicion of Tom is quickly resolved without much conflict or buildup.
  • The dialogue between Tom and the Old Lady feels somewhat stilted and lacks depth. There is an opportunity to delve deeper into Tom's backstory and the Old Lady's motivations.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to create a vivid and immersive setting. Details about the cottage, the surroundings, and the characters' expressions could enhance the atmosphere.
  • The pacing of the scene feels a bit rushed, with the interaction between Tom and the Old Lady lacking emotional depth. Taking more time to develop their relationship and the unfolding events could add more impact.
  • There is a missed opportunity to explore the themes of trust, kindness, and vulnerability in the scene. These elements could be further emphasized to create a more engaging and meaningful interaction between Tom and the Old Lady.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more layers to the dialogue between Tom and the Old Lady to reveal their inner thoughts and emotions. This can help deepen their characters and create a more engaging interaction.
  • Introduce more conflict or obstacles for Tom to overcome in his interaction with the Old Lady. This can add tension and make the scene more compelling.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to paint a clearer picture of the setting and the characters' actions. This can help immerse the reader in the scene and create a more vivid atmosphere.
  • Slow down the pacing of the scene to allow for more emotional resonance and character development. Take the time to explore Tom's vulnerability and the Old Lady's compassion in greater detail.
  • Explore the themes of trust, kindness, and vulnerability more explicitly in the scene. Use the interaction between Tom and the Old Lady to delve into these themes and add depth to their relationship.



Scene 9 -  Sleepwalking and Fairy Tales
INT. VENDALE/BARN - NIGHT

Lying on a bed of hay, Tom talks in his sleep. The sound
of CHURCH BELLS ring loudly.
TOM
I must be clean, I must be clean,
I must be clean.
TOM’S DREAM
OLD LADY
Oh, you’re so dirty, go and be
washed.
IRISH WOMAN
Those that wish to be clean,
clean they will be.
BACK TO SCENE
TOM
(sleep talking)
I must be clean, I must be clean.

The CHURCH BELLS ring in Tom’s head. Tom sleepwalks out
of the barn, mumbling to himself.
TOM (CONT’D)
I must be clean. I must be clean.

EXT. STREAM - NIGHT

The Irish Woman slips into the stream, where she is
surrounded by green water weeds and water lilies.

The WATER FAIRIES at the bottom of the stream surface
and hold her. Here, the Irish Woman is Queen of the
Fairies, their beloved leader.
FAIRY #1
Where have you been?

IRISH WOMAN/QUEEN OF THE FAIRIES
I have been smoothing sick people’s pillows
and whispering sweet dreams
into their ears.
FAIRY #2
What else?
16.


IRISH WOMAN/QUEEN OF THE
FAIRIES Doing all I can to help those who
will not help themselves, and
little enough that is though.
FAIRY #1
You must rest.

IRISH WOMAN/QUEEN OF THE
FAIRIES But I have brought you a new
little brother and watched him safe all
the way here.
The Water Fairies LAUGH.
FAIRY #3
How wonderful to have a new
brother!
FAIRY #1
Delightful!
FAIRY #2
And when shall we meet him?

IRISH WOMAN/QUEEN OF
FAIRIES Soon my dears. Very soon.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Drama"]

Summary Tom sleepwalks out of a barn, muttering about being clean, while church bells echo in his head. Meanwhile, the Irish Woman, now Queen of the Fairies, enters a stream and is greeted by water fairies. She shares stories of her work helping people and promises to introduce them to her new little brother.
Strengths
  • Intriguing mystical elements
  • Emotional depth
  • Unique character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Subtle conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is captivating and introduces a new layer of intrigue and mystique to the story. The dream sequences and interactions with the Water Fairies add depth and complexity to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the Irish Woman as the Queen of the Fairies and her connection to the Water Fairies adds a unique and fantastical element to the story. It introduces a mystical and magical aspect that enriches the overall narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Tom encounters the Irish Woman and the Water Fairies, leading to a deeper exploration of the mystical elements in the story. The scene sets up potential future developments and adds layers to the overall plot.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its blending of Irish folklore, dream symbolism, and mystical elements. The dialogue and interactions between characters feel authentic and unique to the world created by the writer.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly the Irish Woman as the Queen of the Fairies, are intriguing and add depth to the story. Their interactions with Tom provide insight into their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

Tom experiences a shift in perception as he encounters the Irish Woman and the Water Fairies, opening his eyes to the mystical and magical elements of the world. The scene sets the stage for potential character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal in this scene is to be clean, which reflects his desire for purity, redemption, or a fresh start. This goal may stem from deeper needs for self-improvement, guilt, or a desire to cleanse himself of past sins.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it could be interpreted as finding a sense of peace or resolution through the cleansing process he is undergoing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict in the scene is subtle, focusing more on the mystical elements and character interactions rather than external conflicts. The tension arises from the mysterious nature of the Irish Woman and the Water Fairies.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle, with the tension between Tom's desire for cleanliness and the Irish woman's role as a healer providing a small obstacle for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in the scene are moderate, focusing more on the mystical and magical elements rather than high-stakes conflicts. The emotional and thematic stakes are raised as Tom encounters the Irish Woman and the Water Fairies.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new mystical elements and deepening the narrative. It sets up potential plot developments and character arcs, adding complexity to the overall story.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions between Tom, the Irish woman, and the water fairies, as well as the dream-like quality that blurs the line between reality and fantasy.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene could be the tension between the desire for purity and the reality of human imperfection. The Irish woman's role as a healer and caretaker may challenge traditional notions of cleanliness and purity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of wonder, mystery, and compassion through the interactions between Tom, the Irish Woman, and the Water Fairies. The dreamlike quality of the scene adds an emotional depth to the story.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but serves to convey the mystical and mysterious nature of the characters and their world. The interactions between the Irish Woman and the Water Fairies are enigmatic and intriguing.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mystical and fantastical elements, poetic dialogue, and the sense of mystery and intrigue surrounding the characters and their interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, as well as creating a dream-like atmosphere that enhances the mystical and fantastical elements.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for a screenplay, with distinct scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a dream-like sequence, transitioning between Tom's sleepwalking and the Irish woman's interaction with the water fairies. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the mystical atmosphere.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Tom talking in his sleep to the Irish Woman slipping into the stream, which may confuse the audience and disrupt the flow of the narrative.
  • The dialogue in Tom's dream sequence feels a bit on-the-nose and could be more subtly integrated into the scene to enhance the storytelling.
  • The interaction between the Irish Woman and the Water Fairies feels rushed and lacks depth, missing an opportunity to explore their relationship further.
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or development of the conflict, leaving the audience hanging without a sense of closure or progression.
  • The visual elements of the scene could be enhanced to create a more vivid and engaging depiction of Tom's dream and the interaction with the Water Fairies.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the transition between Tom's dream and the Irish Woman's entrance into the stream to create a smoother narrative flow.
  • Try to incorporate the dialogue in Tom's dream sequence more subtly to add layers to the storytelling and engage the audience.
  • Expand on the interaction between the Irish Woman and the Water Fairies to deepen their relationship and provide more insight into their characters.
  • Provide a clearer resolution or progression of the conflict in the scene to give the audience a sense of closure and keep them engaged.
  • Enhance the visual elements of the scene to create a more immersive and visually captivating experience for the audience.



Scene 10 -  Tom's Watery Transformation
EXT. A MEADOW - NIGHT
Tom stands in a meadow, beside a clear stream.

TOM
I must be clean, I must be clean.

Tom looks downwards into the rushing water. The TROUT,
frightened by Tom, move quickly, swimming into hiding.

TOM (CONT’D)
I will be a fish. I will swim in
the water.

Tom slowly walks into the water. The CHURCH BELLS ring
in Tom’s head.
TOM (CONT’D)
Ah, I must be quick. The church
bells are ringing quite loud now.

Tom moves further into the water and starts to
bathe himself.
17.


TOM (CONT’D)
The bells will stop soon. The
door will be shut, and I shall
never be able to get in.

EXT. STREAM - SAME

The Irish Woman/Queen of the Fairies instructs the
Water Fairies. They listen eagerly.

IRISH WOMAN/QUEEN OF THE
FAIRIES But mind, he must not see you or
know that you are here.
FAIRY #1
Why must he not know about us?

IRISH WOMAN/QUEEN OF THE FAIRIES
Like the creatures which perish and
from the creatures which perish,
he must learn. Without your
interference or guidance.
FAIRY #2
He will have much to learn.

IRISH WOMAN/QUEEN OF THE
FAIRIES So you must not play with him, or
let him see you, but only keep
him from being harmed.

The Queen of the Fairies floats down the stream as the
Water Fairies attentively and adoringly watch her.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Drama"]

Summary Tom, driven by a need to be clean and fearful of missing church, immerses himself in a stream. As he longs to become a fish, the Queen of the Fairies instructs her Water Fairies to protect him, ensuring his safety while concealing their existence.
Strengths
  • Surreal atmosphere
  • Mysterious elements
  • Symbolism of water and purification
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue
  • Potential confusion for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively creates a dreamlike atmosphere and introduces mystical elements that add depth to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using water as a symbol of cleansing and transformation is well-executed and adds a layer of complexity to the narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Tom seeks purification in the stream, leading to a mysterious encounter with the Irish Woman and the Water Fairies.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its depiction of a mystical encounter in a natural setting. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and unique.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Tom's desire for cleanliness and transformation is portrayed effectively, while the Irish Woman and the Water Fairies add an intriguing mystical element to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Tom undergoes a subtle transformation as he seeks purification in the stream, hinting at potential growth in his character.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal in this scene is to cleanse himself and find peace. This reflects his deeper need for redemption and purification.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal is to bathe in the stream before the church bells stop ringing. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict is internal as Tom grapples with his desire for cleanliness and transformation.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the presence of the Water Fairies and the Irish Woman/Queen of the Fairies creating obstacles for Tom.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are primarily internal as Tom seeks spiritual cleansing and transformation.

Story Forward: 6

The scene introduces mystical elements and sets the stage for further exploration of Tom's journey towards self-discovery.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the presence of supernatural beings and the uncertain outcome of Tom's encounter with them.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the idea of learning from one's mistakes without interference and the desire to guide and protect others. This challenges Tom's beliefs about personal growth and the role of external influences in his life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of hope and reflection through Tom's journey towards purification.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal but serves to enhance the surreal and mysterious tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mystical atmosphere, character interactions, and the sense of mystery surrounding the Water Fairies and the Irish Woman/Queen of the Fairies.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, especially with the impending deadline of the church bells ringing.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a mystical fantasy genre, with a clear setting, character interactions, and progression of events.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Tom's desire to be clean and his decision to become a fish by entering the stream. The imagery of the rushing water and the frightened trout adds to the atmosphere.
  • The dialogue between Tom and his inner thoughts, as well as the interaction between the Irish Woman/Queen of the Fairies and the Water Fairies, adds depth to the scene.
  • The instructions given by the Irish Woman/Queen of the Fairies to the Water Fairies create a sense of mystery and foreshadowing for future events.
  • The scene transitions smoothly between Tom's actions in the meadow and the interaction of the magical beings in the stream, creating a cohesive narrative.
  • The use of the church bells ringing in Tom's head adds a sense of urgency and impending change to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more sensory details to enhance the description of Tom's experience in the stream, such as the feel of the water, the sounds of nature, and the scent of the meadow.
  • Explore the emotional journey of Tom further as he transitions from a chimney sweep to a water baby, delving into his inner conflict and growth.
  • Develop the relationship between Tom and the Water Fairies, showcasing how they impact his transformation and journey.
  • Consider incorporating visual cues or actions to emphasize Tom's transformation into a fish and his connection to the water world.
  • Continue to build suspense and intrigue around the Irish Woman/Queen of the Fairies and the role of the Water Fairies in Tom's journey.



Scene 11 -  The Water Baby's Transformation and the Search
INT. STREAM - NIGHT

Lying on a rock, Tom sleeps in the stream. He SNORES loudly.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
The reason for his falling into such
a sleep is very simple and yet
hardly anyone has found it out.

The Water Fairies appear and start the process of turning
Tom into a Water Baby. They hold their wands towards him,
giving them a slight shake. Gills start to form around
his neck.

Tom is asleep throughout the transformation. Sparkles and
magical imagery surround Tom as he undergoes his change.
18.


NARRATOR (V.O.)(CONT’D)
It was merely that the fairies
took him. There must be fairies,
for this is a fairytale.

The Water Fairies continue to work their magic on Tom,
putting him through his alteration into a Water Baby. He
starts to shrink in size, new clothing forms on his body,
a one piece.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
How can one have a fairytale if
there are no fairies?

INT. THE ESTATE/ELLIE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Mr. Grimes and Mr. Goff attempt to determine what
happened during the melee with Tom. They both interview
Ellie to gather information about the incident.
ELLIE
I saw the chimney sweep running
to the window. He was crying.
MR. GOFF
What did he say?
ELLIE
Nothing. I was very frightened.
MR. GOFF
Did he take anything?
ELLIE
No.

Mr. Goff sees marks of soot on the rug only, thus realizing
Tom never strayed from the rug in order to steal.

MR. GOFF
It was all a terrible mistake. A
terrible mistake. Oh dear!
(to Mr. Grimes)
Go home. I shall give you a
reward if you return him to me.
19.

INT. VENDALE/BARN - MORNING

The concerned Old Lady looks for Tom in the barn, but
cannot locate him.

EXT. HARTHOVER FELL/HILL TOP - LATER

Mr. Grimes, Mr. Goff, a SEARCH PARTY and three SEARCH DOGS
are scouting for Tom. The sniffer dogs stop at a hill top,
and start barking as they look down the valley. The search
party comes to a halt, and they all gaze down the valley.

MR. GRIMES
That rogue, I tell you, he has
gone down there. In hiding
somewhere there I suppose.
MR. GOFF
If we find him at all, we shall
find him lying at the bottom of
the hill.

Mr. Goff nervously mops his brow with a handkerchief.
What have his staff done?

INT. VENDALE/OLD LADY’S SCHOOL - LATER

The search party arrive at a school. Mr. Goff enters the
school. CHILDREN sitting at their desks turn to look at
the well dressed Mr. Goff.
MR. GOFF
How are you?

The Old Lady seated at her desk, slowly stands and
walks over to Mr. Goff.
OLD LADY
Welcome to Vendale, but you’re not
hunting this time of the year?

MR. GOFF
No.
OLD LADY
What makes you look so sad this
morning?
MR. GOFF
I’m looking for a lost child, a
chimney sweep who has run away.
20.


OLD LADY
You’ll not harm the poor little
boy if I give you news of him?
MR. GOFF
Not I. I’m afraid we hunted him
out of the Estate all on a
miserable mistake.
OLD LADY
So he told me the truth after all.
A heart will guide you right, if
you will but listen to it.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Drama","Adventure"]

Summary Fairies magically transform Tom, the chimney sweep, into a Water Baby, giving him gills and shrinking him. Meanwhile, Mr. Grimes and Mr. Goff, who wrongly accused Tom of theft, search for him. They question Ellie, who vouches for Tom's innocence, and Mr. Goff learns of the mistake. Sniffer dogs lead the search party to a hilltop, where they encounter the Old Lady at a school. The Old Lady, knowing Tom's location, refuses to reveal it unless assured of his safety.
Strengths
  • Magical transformation
  • Emotional depth
  • Fantastical elements
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is captivating with its magical elements and emotional depth, setting up a pivotal moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a chimney sweep being transformed into a Water Baby by fairies is unique and adds a fantastical element to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the transformation of the main character, leading to potential new story developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as Water Fairies and the transformation into a Water Baby, offering a fresh take on traditional fairy tale themes. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters play their roles effectively in this scene, with Mr. Goff showing concern and the Old Lady providing guidance.

Character Changes: 8

The main character undergoes a significant transformation, leading to potential changes in his journey.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal in this scene is to undergo the transformation into a Water Baby. This reflects his desire for change, growth, and perhaps a new beginning.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal is to be found by the search party and return to safety. This reflects his immediate challenge of being lost and potentially in danger.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict as characters search for the missing chimney sweep, adding tension to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing challenges, conflicts, and moral dilemmas that add complexity and depth to the narrative. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the characters' fates.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as the characters search for the missing chimney sweep, adding urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a magical element and setting up new challenges for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in the characters' actions and the magical transformation of Tom into a Water Baby. The audience is left wondering about the outcome of the search for Tom.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of truth, mistakes, and redemption. It challenges the characters' beliefs about trust, honesty, and the consequences of their actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact is high, especially during the transformation of the main character and the search for him.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue serves its purpose in conveying information and emotions, but it could be more impactful.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of magical elements, mystery, and moral dilemmas. The characters' actions and dialogue create tension and intrigue, keeping the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, suspense, and emotional depth. It balances moments of action with introspection, creating a dynamic and engaging rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a fantasy genre screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct settings, character interactions, and a progression of events. It maintains a cohesive narrative flow and pacing.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition between Tom collapsing in the stream and the Water Fairies beginning the transformation process. It would benefit from a smoother segue to connect these two moments.
  • The narration provided by the voice-over feels a bit heavy-handed and could be more subtly integrated into the scene. Consider incorporating the narration in a way that enhances the storytelling without feeling forced.
  • The magical transformation of Tom into a Water Baby could be visually enhanced by describing the process in more detail. Adding vivid imagery and sensory details can make the scene more engaging for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Mr. Grimes, Mr. Goff, and Ellie in the following scene feels a bit abrupt and could benefit from more natural flow and interaction. Consider adding more depth to the conversation to make it more realistic and engaging.
  • The shift from Tom's transformation to the search party looking for him feels a bit disjointed. Consider adding a smoother transition or a connecting element to bridge these two parts of the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief visual description of Tom's surroundings in the stream before the Water Fairies appear, setting the scene and creating a more immersive environment.
  • Try to integrate the voice-over narration more organically into the scene by weaving it into the characters' actions or thoughts, rather than having it stand alone.
  • Enhance the magical transformation sequence by describing the changes in Tom's appearance and sensations in more detail, creating a vivid and captivating visual for the audience.
  • Develop the dialogue between Mr. Grimes, Mr. Goff, and Ellie to feel more natural and realistic, adding depth to the characters and their interactions.
  • Create a smoother transition between Tom's transformation and the search party scene by introducing a connecting element or moment that links the two sequences seamlessly.



Scene 12 -  Tom's Aquatic Adventure
INT/EXT. STREAM - DAY

Tom is now a WATER BABY with a set of external gills around
his neck. He is smaller than his human form, encased in a
one piece. He has extremely sensitive supersonic hearing
and the ability to see extraordinarliy long distances and
in murky water.

Tom swims in the stream, awkward and unused to his new
form. He gleefully observes the animal and plant marvels in
the stream.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
And Tom? In fact, the fairies had
turned him into a Water Baby. A
Water Baby? You never heard of a
Water Baby? Perhaps not.

Tom is mesmerized as he stares at his reflection in
the water. He pulls funny faces and GIGGLES.

NARRATOR (V.O.)(CONT’D)
There are a great many things in
the world which nobody ever heard
of and a great many things, too,
which nobody will ever hear of.

Tom plays in the water, dipping under and above the water.
He LAUGHS, delighted with his new found freedom. His
worries and problems about Mr. Grimes and being a chimney
sweep now over.
21.


INT. STREAM - LATER

Tom watches CADDIS #1 an aquatic insect build a house. She
sticks some pebbles, wood, and live shells together to
make a patched house.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
But there are no such things as
Water Babies? How do you know that?
Have you been there to see?
Tom looks on at the high-spirited behavior of the CADDISES.

NARRATOR (V.O.)(CONT’D)
And if you had been there to see,
and had seen none, that would not
prove that there were none.

A number of CADDISES also build their houses with
pebbles, wood, shells and twigs. CADDIS #2 finds a long
stick, and attaches it to her backside. She struts around
proudly and performs a dance.
CADDIS #2
Hurrah! My sister has a tail, and
I’ll have one, too.

The Caddises imitate her. They tumble over and waddle
into one another. Tom LAUGHS at their antics.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
But surely, if there were Water
Babies, somebody would have caught
one at least? Well, how do you
know that somebody has not?

Tom greedily eats aquatic plants. He is so happy in
the water world.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Tom did not remember any of his
old troubles, being tired, or
hungry, or sent up dark chimneys.

Tom moves along the gravel based bottom, gazing at the
WATER BOATMEN which run out of and under the stones.
22.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Tom, transformed into a Water Baby, explores a stream with newfound delight. He marvels at the underwater world, observing caddisflies building houses and playing with their tails. Tom enjoys his freedom and aquatic life, completely forgetting his previous life as a chimney sweep. The scene ends with him observing water boatmen along the stream bed.
Strengths
  • Magical transformation of the main character
  • Whimsical and playful tone
  • Exploration of a new fantastical world
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Low external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with whimsy, magic, and a sense of wonder as Tom undergoes a significant transformation and discovers a new world.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a chimney sweep being transformed into a Water Baby by fairies is innovative and captivating, introducing a fantastical element to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as Tom's transformation sets him on a new path, exploring a different world and leaving behind his previous troubles.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique concept of Water Babies and explores themes of transformation and exploration in a whimsical and imaginative way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the magical atmosphere of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Tom's character undergoes a major change in this scene, transitioning from a struggling chimney sweep to a joyful Water Baby, adding depth and complexity to his journey.

Character Changes: 9

Tom undergoes a significant character change, both physically and emotionally, as he transitions from a struggling chimney sweep to a joyful Water Baby, marking a pivotal moment in his journey.

Internal Goal: 9

Tom's internal goal in this scene is to find joy and freedom in his new form as a Water Baby, letting go of his worries and problems from his previous life as a chimney sweep.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal is to explore and adapt to his new abilities and surroundings as a Water Baby, learning about the creatures and plants in the stream.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The conflict in this scene is minimal, focusing more on Tom's personal transformation and exploration rather than external conflicts.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is not strong, as Tom's challenges are more internal and related to his adaptation to his new form. The audience is left curious about the existence of Water Babies.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in this scene are relatively low, focusing more on Tom's personal growth and discovery rather than external threats or conflicts.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new phase in Tom's journey and setting the stage for further exploration and development.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces the concept of Water Babies and explores the unknown in a way that keeps the audience intrigued and curious.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the existence of Water Babies and the idea that just because something hasn't been seen or proven, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. This challenges Tom's beliefs and opens up a sense of wonder and possibility.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of joy, wonder, and hope as Tom experiences his transformation and explores the underwater world, resonating emotionally with the audience.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in this scene is minimal but serves to enhance the magical and whimsical tone of the transformation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it immerses the audience in a magical and whimsical world, with a sense of discovery and joy that captivates the viewer.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and excitement as Tom explores the stream and interacts with the Caddises. The rhythm of the scene enhances the sense of wonder and joy.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup of Tom's transformation into a Water Baby, exploration of the stream, and interactions with the Caddises. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The transition from Tom being transformed into a Water Baby to him swimming in the stream could be smoother. Consider adding a moment of realization or awe as he discovers his new form and abilities.
  • The narration provided by the voice-over is a bit heavy-handed and could be more subtly integrated into the scene. Try to show rather than tell the audience about the existence of Water Babies.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of conflict or tension. Consider introducing a small obstacle or challenge for Tom to overcome in his new form to add depth to the scene.
  • The dialogue between the Caddises could be more engaging and dynamic to capture the audience's attention. Consider adding more personality and humor to their interactions.
  • The scene could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience in the underwater world. Describe the sights, sounds, and sensations Tom experiences in more vivid detail.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of wonder or realization as Tom explores his new abilities and form in the stream.
  • Try to integrate the narration more subtly into the scene to avoid it feeling too heavy-handed.
  • Introduce a small obstacle or challenge for Tom to overcome in his new form to create a sense of conflict and tension.
  • Enhance the dialogue between the Caddises to make their interactions more engaging and entertaining.
  • Add more sensory details to vividly describe the underwater world and immerse the audience in Tom's experience.



Scene 13 -  Tom's Misadventures in the Water Forest
INT. STREAM - LATER

Deep into the stream, Tom arrives at the water forests and
meets a RED BELLY TURTLE, CRAYFISH, MINNOW and two Caddises.

They SING.
RED BELLY TURTLE
(singing)
Clear and cool, clear and cool.
By laughing shallow and dreaming
pool.
Tom reaches out to touch a Water Boatman and is bitten.

CRAYFISH
(singing)
Cool and clear, cool and clear. By
shining shingle and foaming wear.

Caddis #1 polishes her home as she sings.
CADDIS #1
(singing)
Under the stream where we all sing
and the ivied wall where the
church bells ring.

SALAMANDERS swimming by, stop and become an AUDIENCE to
the SINGERS. They HUM to the tune.
CADDIS #2
(singing)
Play by me, bathe in me, Mother
and Child.
The red belly turtle plays a piano.
MINNOW
(singing)
Dank and foul, dank and foul.
By the smoky town in its murky
cloak.
The Salamanders start to dance.
RED BELLY TURTLE
(singing)
Foul and dank, foul and dank. By
wharf and sewer and slimy bank.
Darker and darker the farther I go.

The Red Belly Turtle, Crayfish, Caddis #1, Caddis #2 and
the Minnow perform a dance, as they sing together.
23.


SINGERS
(singing)
Baser and baser the richer I
grow. Shrink from me, turn from
me, Mother and Child.
CADDIS#2
(singing)
Strong and free, strong and
free. The floodgates are open,
away to the sea.
The Minnow playfully attacks the Water Boatman.
MINNOW
(singing)
Free and strong, free and
strong. Through the streams as I
hurry along.
Caddis #1 twirls again and again.
CADDIS #1
(singing)
To the golden sands and the
leaping bar and the tide that
awaits me afar.
All the creatures sing together for the final verse.
SINGERS
(singing)
As I lose myself in the infinite
main, Play by me, bathe in me,
Mother and Child.

A SCHOOL OF TROUT swim towards Tom. Irritated, he
attempts to catch them with his hands, but they slip
through his fingers. A massive OLD TROUT runs into Tom
and angrily pushes him away.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
But I am sorry to say, Tom was
very fond of tormenting creatures
for mere sport.

Tom’s swims along, restless and lonely his bad behavior
continues. He comes across CADDIS #3 who is enclosed
within a house. Curious, Tom breaks the door made of shell
and peers inside the house. Caddis #3 pops her head out.
A GROUP of Caddises admonish Tom for his behavior.
24.


CADDIS #2
What a shame! How would you like
to have someone breaking your
bedroom door in?
CADDIS #4
Oh, you nasty, horrid boy. There
you are at it again.
CADDIS #1
She had just laid herself up for
a fortnight’s sleep.
CADDIS #2
She would have come out with
such beautiful wings.
CADDIS #1
And now you have broken her door,
and she can’t mend it because her
mouth is tied up for a fortnight.

CADDIS #2
She will die!
CADDIS #4
Who sent you here to worry us
out of our lives?

Tom looks sheepish after receiving a scolding from
the Caddises. He embarrassingly swims away.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Musical","Adventure"]

Summary Tom swims through a vibrant water forest, encountering a chorus of singing and dancing creatures who celebrate the stream's beauty. He tries to catch a school of trout but is thwarted by an old, angry trout. Seeking refuge in a caddis's home, Tom disrupts her sleep preparations and faces scolding from the caddis and her companions. Embarrassed by the encounter, he swims away, humbled by the consequences of his actions.
Strengths
  • Imaginative setting
  • Whimsical musical number
  • Lesson on empathy
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Low conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly imaginative, engaging, and introduces a unique and enchanting world. The musical element adds depth and emotion to the storytelling.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a chimney sweep transforming into a Water Baby and interacting with underwater creatures is innovative and captivating.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Tom explores the water forests and learns a lesson about respecting others' homes.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and original concept of aquatic creatures singing and dancing, adding a unique and whimsical touch to the familiar theme of human-animal interactions.


Character Development

Characters: 6

The characters of the aquatic creatures are charming and add to the whimsical tone of the scene.

Character Changes: 5

Tom learns a lesson about empathy and consequences, showing a slight change in his behavior.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal in this scene is to find companionship and connection with the aquatic creatures, reflecting his deeper need for acceptance and belonging.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal is to explore the stream and interact with the different creatures, reflecting his immediate circumstances of being in a new environment and encountering unfamiliar beings.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

There is minimal conflict in this scene, focusing more on exploration and learning.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the Caddises admonishing Tom for his behavior, creating tension and conflict that adds depth to the interaction.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes are low in this scene, focusing more on exploration and moral lessons.

Story Forward: 6

The scene provides a break from the main storyline but adds depth to Tom's character development.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected interactions between Tom and the aquatic creatures, keeping the audience intrigued and curious about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Tom's desire for amusement and the creatures' need for respect and protection. It challenges Tom's values of empathy and responsibility towards nature.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of curiosity, remorse, and wonder through the musical performance and Tom's interactions with the creatures.

Dialogue: 5

The dialogue is minimal but serves to convey the message of empathy and consequences.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its whimsical and enchanting atmosphere, drawing the audience into the magical world of the stream and its inhabitants.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene enhances its effectiveness by allowing for moments of musical performance, dialogue, and action to unfold in a rhythmic and engaging manner.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene aligns with the genre of fantasy or magical realism, allowing for the portrayal of fantastical elements and interactions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a unique structure that deviates from traditional dialogue-heavy interactions, focusing more on the creatures' musical performance and Tom's interactions with them.


Critique
  • The scene introduces a variety of aquatic creatures singing and dancing, which may come across as overly whimsical and disconnected from the overall story.
  • The transition from Tom's exploration of the stream to the sudden musical performance by the creatures feels abrupt and lacks a clear connection to the previous events.
  • The behavior of Tom, fond of tormenting creatures for sport, seems out of character based on the previous scenes where he is shown as a sympathetic character.
  • The scolding by the Caddises feels didactic and heavy-handed, detracting from the magical and fantastical elements of the scene.
  • The dialogue between the Caddises and Tom lacks depth and emotional resonance, making it challenging for the audience to empathize with the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider integrating the musical performance of the creatures more organically into the narrative to ensure it aligns with the overall tone and themes of the screenplay.
  • Provide more context or foreshadowing for Tom's behavior of tormenting creatures to make it more believable and consistent with his character development.
  • Explore ways to make the interaction between Tom and the Caddises more nuanced and emotionally engaging, avoiding a simplistic scolding dynamic.
  • Ensure that the dialogue and actions of the characters contribute to the development of the plot and themes, enhancing the overall storytelling experience.
  • Consider revising the scene to maintain a balance between whimsical elements and character development, ensuring that each aspect serves the narrative effectively.



Scene 14 -  The Nymph's Transformation
INT/EXT. THE STREAM - CONTINUOUS

Tom is perched on a rock underwater, eating a meal of
aquatic plants. A DRAGONFLY NYMPH enters, with six legs, a
big stomach and a weird head with two big eyes. Tom looks
on aghast at the sight of the Dragonfly Nymph.
TOM
Oh, you are an ugly fellow to be
sure!

Tom, ever so disrespectful, makes faces at the Dragonfly
Nymph. Annoyed, the Dragonfly Nymph pops out a long arm with a
pair of pincers on the end and holds onto Tom’s nose.

TOM
Yah, ah! Oh, let me go!
25.


DRAGONFLY NYMPH
Then let me go. I want to be quiet.
I want to split.
The Dragonfly Nymph slowly releases his grip on Tom’s nose.
TOM
Why do you want to split?
DRAGONFLY NYMPH
Because my brothers and sisters
have all split and turned into
beautiful creatures and I want to
split, too.
TOM
Aren’t you frightened to split?
DRAGONFLY NYMPH
Don’t speak to me! I am sure I
shall split. I will split!

The Dragonfly Nymph climbs a green water weed stem to the
surface of the stream. Tom follows the Dragonfly Nymph, his
head emerging from the water. He watches the Nymph with
keen interest.
The Dragonfly Nymph swells and stretches - CRACK, PUFF, BANG
- then opens all down its back. Out of the inside emerges
an exquisite DRAGONFLY. Tom stares spellbound. The
Dragonfly sits in the sun, his lovely colors beginning to
appear on his body, blue, yellow and black with spots and
rings emerge. Out of his back, four wings rise, his eyes
grow large.
TOM
Oh, you beautiful creature!

Tom puts out his hand to try and touch the Dragonfly.
The Dragonfly flies away into the air.
DRAGONFLY
No! You cannot catch me. I am a
dragonfly now, the King of all
the Flies.
The Dragonfly moves back near Tom, hovering in the air.
Wings flapping wildly.
DRAGONFLY (CONT’D)
I shall dance in the sunshine and
have a beautiful wife like
myself. I know what I shall do.
26.


The Dragonfly flies away from Tom and LAUGHS.
TOM
Oh! Come back, come back, you
beautiful creature!
DRAGONFLY
And why should I come back?
TOM
I have no one to play with, and
I am so lonely here.
DRAGONFLY
What is in it for me?
TOM
If you will but come back, I
will never try to catch you.
DRAGONFLY
I don’t care whether you do or
not, for you can’t.
TOM
I won’t.
DRAGONFLY
When I have looked about this
pretty place, I will come back
and have a chat about all I have
seen on my travels.
(looking at a tree)
Why, what a huge tree this is!
What huge leaves on it!

The Dragonfly flies away into the distance, Tom
winsomely and helplessly looks on.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Tom, a mischievous underwater creature, encounters a Dragonfly Nymph and mocks its appearance. The Nymph, annoyed, grabs Tom's nose with its pincers, but releases him in exchange for being left alone. Yearning for freedom, the Nymph climbs a stem to the surface and undergoes a breathtaking transformation into a beautiful dragonfly. Tom, mesmerized by the metamorphosis, attempts to touch the dragonfly, but it flies away, proclaiming its newfound freedom and superiority. The scene ends with the dragonfly soaring into the sunlight, leaving Tom hopeful for a future encounter.
Strengths
  • Magical transformation
  • Whimsical tone
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Minimal conflict
  • Limited dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly engaging, filled with whimsy and magic, and showcases a unique transformation that captivates the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of transformation and growth is central to the scene, as the Dragonfly Nymph undergoes a magical change into a beautiful Dragonfly, highlighting themes of change and beauty.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the transformation of the Dragonfly Nymph, adding a fantastical element to the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique creature, the Dragonfly Nymph, and explores themes of transformation and beauty in a natural setting. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 6

The characters in the scene, particularly Tom and the Dragonfly Nymph, play essential roles in showcasing the theme of transformation and growth.

Character Changes: 8

The transformation of the Dragonfly Nymph represents a significant character change, showcasing growth and beauty.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal in this scene is to find companionship and overcome his loneliness. This reflects his deeper need for connection and interaction with others.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal is to interact with the Dragonfly Nymph and witness its transformation into a Dragonfly. This reflects the immediate challenge of understanding and connecting with a unique creature.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 2

There is minimal conflict in the scene, focusing more on the wonder and magic of the transformation.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong as Tom faces the challenge of understanding and connecting with the Dragonfly Nymph, creating tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on the personal growth and transformation of the Dragonfly Nymph.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene does not directly move the main plot forward, it adds depth and magic to the overall story.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected transformation of the Dragonfly Nymph into a Dragonfly and the emotional connection between Tom and the creature.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of transformation, beauty, and acceptance. The Dragonfly Nymph's desire to split and become a beautiful creature challenges Tom's perception of beauty and acceptance.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes feelings of wonder, curiosity, and loneliness as the Dragonfly Nymph undergoes its transformation.

Dialogue: 5

The dialogue is simple but effective in conveying the emotions and intentions of the characters during the transformation sequence.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the unique creature, the Dragonfly Nymph, and the emotional journey of Tom as he interacts with it.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and curiosity as Tom interacts with the Dragonfly Nymph and witnesses its transformation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for a screenplay, making it easy to visualize the actions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup, conflict, and resolution, effectively conveying the interaction between Tom and the Dragonfly Nymph.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from the previous scene, leaving the audience slightly disoriented as to how Tom ended up underwater and encountered the Dragonfly Nymph.
  • Tom's disrespectful behavior towards the Dragonfly Nymph feels out of character based on the previous scenes where he showed empathy and kindness towards other creatures.
  • The dialogue between Tom and the Dragonfly Nymph feels a bit forced and unnatural, lacking depth and emotional resonance.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the fantastical elements of Tom witnessing the Dragonfly Nymph's transformation into a beautiful dragonfly.
  • The interaction between Tom and the Dragonfly Nymph lacks a clear resolution or emotional impact, leaving the audience with a sense of incompleteness.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition to connect this scene with the previous one, providing context for how Tom ended up underwater and encountered the Dragonfly Nymph.
  • Revisit Tom's characterization to ensure his behavior aligns with his established traits of empathy and kindness towards other creatures.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Tom and the Dragonfly Nymph to add depth and emotional resonance, reflecting the significance of the Nymph's transformation.
  • Include more vivid visual descriptions to bring to life the magical elements of the Dragonfly Nymph's transformation into a beautiful dragonfly.
  • Provide a more conclusive resolution to the interaction between Tom and the Dragonfly Nymph, ensuring the scene leaves a lasting impact on the audience.



Scene 15 -  A Crab, an Otter, and a Misunderstood Man
EXT. STREAM BANK - DAY

Tom sits on the stream bank absorbing the sunlight. His
legs submerged and dangling in the water. While deep in
thought contemplating his journey thus far, A LAND HERMIT
CRAB crawls across the stream bank, holding himself with
great pride.
LAND HERMIT CRAB
Much obliged to you, indeed, but
I don’t want it yet.
27.


TOM
Want what?
LAND HERMIT CRAB
Your leg, which you are kind
enough to hold out for me to sit
on. Dear me! What a troublesome
business a family is! So you live
under the water? It’s a low place.
TOM
It’s not so bad.
LAND HERMIT CRAB
I lived there for some time and was
very shabby and dirty. But I didn’t
choose that that should last.

TOM
No, I imagine you wouldn’t.
LAND HERMIT CRAB
So I turned respectable and came
up to the top and put on this
suit. It’s a very businesslike
suit, don’t you think?
Tom closely examines the Land Hermit Crab.
TOM
Very neat and quiet indeed.
LAND HERMIT CRAB
Yes, one must be quiet and neat
and respectable, when one becomes
a family man. But I’m tired of it,
that’s the truth.

The Land Hermit Crab topples over, and sits on his side
for a few moments before regaining his composure.
TOM
I would not know anything about
having a family.
LAND HERMIT CRAB
I’ve done quite enough business, I
consider, in the last week, to
last me my life.
TOM
And what will you do instead?
28.


LAND HERMIT CRAB
I shall go out and see the world
and have a dance or two. Why
shouldn’t one be happy if one can?

TOM
And your family?
LAND HERMIT CRAB
Oh! My wife is a very plain,
silly creature, and that’s the
truth. If she chooses to come,
why she may, and if not, why I go
without her. Here I go!
The Land Hermit Crab suddenly turns pale.

TOM
Why, you’re ill! You’re dead.
LAND HERMIT CRAB
No, I ain’t! This is me over here
and that’s my outside shell.

The Land Hermit Crab has left his exoskeleton behind on
the stream bank. Now a soft mollusc.

LAND HERMIT CRAB
(CONT’D) Ha! You could not do such
a trick as that. Ha, ha! Ain’t I a
pretty fellow now?
TOM
You certainly are.
HERMIT CRAB
(singing and dancing)
My wife shall dance and I shall
sing to merrily pass the day. For
I hold it quite the wisest thing,
to drive dull care away!

Suddenly, STRANGE NOISES from further upstream are
heard, some COOING and WHINING.

Tom and the Hermit Crab see five OTTERS rolled into balls
rolling over and over down the stream, coming their way.

TOM
What are they?
29.

HERMIT CRAB
I have no idea.

Tom moves closer to the Otters, who wrestle, bite and
scratch one another. The MOTHER OTTER sees Tom. She
darts away from the rest of the Otters.
MOTHER OTTER
Quick, children, here is
something to eat!

The Mother Otter moves towards Tom with her set of sharp
teeth, grinning mouth and wicked eyes. Tom quickly slips
in between some water lily roots.

MOTHER OTTER (CONT’D)
Come out, or it will be worse
for you.

Tom stares at her from between two thick water lily
roots. He sticks out his tongue at her and vigorously
shakes the water lily roots.

MOTHER OTTER (CONT’D)
Come away, children, it is not
worth eating after all. It is only
a nasty eft, which nothing eats.

TOM
I am not an eft! Efts have tails.
MOTHER OTTER
You are an eft. I know you have
a tail.
TOM
I tell you I have not. Look here!

Tom turns around to show the Mother Otter that he has no
tail. He points to his backside. The Mother Otter
ignores him.
MOTHER OTTER
I say you are an eft and therefore
you are, and not fit food for the
likes of me and my children.

TOM
I am not an eft.
MOTHER OTTER
You may stay there till the
salmon eat you. Ha! They will eat
you and we will eat them.
30.

The Mother Otter LAUGHS wickedly.
TOM
What are salmon?
MOTHER OTTER
Fish, you eft, nice fish to eat.
They are the Lords of the Fish and
we are the Lords of the Salmon.
(laughs)
We hunt them up and down the
pools and drive them up into a
corner, the silly things.
TOM
Why do you call them silly?
MOTHER OTTER
They are so proud and bully the
trout till they see us coming and
then they are so meek and we
catch them.
TOM
Oh!
MOTHER OTTER
(licking her lips)
We just bite out their soft
throats and suck their sweet juice
and then throw them away and go
and catch another.
(to her children)
They are coming soon, children,
coming soon.

At the thought of the tasty salmon, the Mother
Otter excitedly performs somersaults in the water.
TOM
And where do they come from?
MOTHER OTTER
Out of the sea, eft, the great
wide sea, where they might stay
and be safe if they liked.
TOM
Do you like the sea?
MOTHER OTTER
Yes, we prefer days rolling in the
waves and sleeping snug in the
warm dry rocks.
31.

(to her children)
Ah, that is a merry life, too,
children, if it were not for
those horrid men.
TOM
Yes, I am familiar with horrid men.
The Mother Otter looks at Tom suspiciously.
MOTHER OTTER
(examining Tom)
And now I come to look at you, they
are actually something like you, if
you had not a tail and gills.

TOM
I told you already, I do not have
a tail.
MOTHER OTTER
(crying)
They speared my poor dear
husband as he went out to find
something for me to eat.
TOM
Yes, men, they can be brutal. I
know something about that.
MOTHER OTTER
We were very low in the world
then. But they speared him, poor
fellow, and I saw them carrying
him away on a pole.
(to her children)
All, he lost his life for your
sakes, my children, poor dear
obedient creature that he was.

Tom looks on, from within the safety of the water weeds,
as the Otters swim away.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure","Drama"]

Summary Tom, sitting on a stream bank, encounters a philosophical Land Hermit Crab who sheds its shell, revealing a soft mollusc. The pair are interrupted by a family of otters, with the mother mistaking Tom for an eft. She considers eating him but decides against it, sharing her story of loss and life in the water. The scene ends with the otter family swimming away, leaving Tom alone with his thoughts.
Strengths
  • Rich character development
  • Emotionally resonant dialogue
  • Imaginative world-building
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot advancement
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends fantasy elements with a darker tone, creating a compelling and emotionally resonant encounter between Tom and the Mother Otter. The dialogue and interactions between the characters add depth and intrigue to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of introducing fantastical creatures like the Land Hermit Crab and the Otters in a natural setting adds a unique and imaginative element to the scene. The exploration of themes such as survival, family, and the harshness of the natural world enriches the storytelling.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around Tom's encounter with the Mother Otter and the insights he gains about the natural world. While the scene doesn't significantly advance the main plot, it adds depth to Tom's character and sets the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene showcases originality through its creative portrayal of animal characters with human-like qualities, unique dialogue exchanges, and imaginative world-building.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene, particularly the Mother Otter and Tom, are well-developed and engaging. The interactions between them reveal layers of emotion and complexity, adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

Tom undergoes a subtle transformation through his encounter with the Mother Otter, gaining a deeper understanding of the natural world and his place within it. The scene sets the stage for potential growth and development for Tom as the story progresses.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal in this scene is to understand the perspectives of the Land Hermit Crab and Mother Otter, reflecting his curiosity and empathy towards other beings.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal is to avoid being eaten by the Mother Otter and her children, showcasing his survival instincts and quick thinking in a dangerous situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is tension between Tom and the Mother Otter, the conflict is more subtle and rooted in the natural order of the world. The scene focuses more on exploration and discovery than on traditional conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Tom facing a life-threatening situation with the Mother Otter and her children, adding suspense and uncertainty to the encounter.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on exploration and discovery than on life-threatening situations. However, the encounter with the Mother Otter hints at the dangers and challenges that lie ahead for Tom.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene doesn't significantly advance the main plot, it adds depth to the world-building and character development. It sets the stage for future events and introduces important themes and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected behaviors and interactions of the animal characters, keeping the audience on edge about Tom's fate.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of survival and the food chain. The Mother Otter's perspective on hunting and eating fish contrasts with Tom's understanding of the natural world.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including curiosity, fear, sadness, and hope. The interactions between Tom and the Mother Otter are poignant and emotionally resonant, drawing the reader into their world.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is rich and evocative, capturing the unique voices of the characters and enhancing the emotional impact of their interactions. The exchanges between Tom and the Mother Otter are especially compelling.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its unique character interactions, whimsical dialogue, and escalating tension as Tom navigates a dangerous encounter with the Mother Otter.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense as Tom interacts with the Mother Otter, creating a dynamic and engaging sequence.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to the expected standards for screenplay format, with proper scene descriptions, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear character interactions, dialogue sequences, and escalating tension, fitting the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene introduces a new character, the Land Hermit Crab, but the purpose of this interaction is unclear and doesn't seem to advance the plot or character development significantly.
  • The dialogue between Tom and the Land Hermit Crab feels somewhat forced and lacks depth, making it difficult for the audience to fully engage with the scene.
  • The transition from the Land Hermit Crab to the Mother Otter feels abrupt and disjointed, leaving the audience confused about the relevance of the previous interaction.
  • The Mother Otter's dialogue and actions come across as overly aggressive and one-dimensional, lacking nuance and depth in her character portrayal.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or tension, making it feel stagnant and lacking in momentum to drive the story forward.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the interaction with the Land Hermit Crab to make it more purposeful and connected to the overall narrative.
  • Focus on developing more meaningful and engaging dialogue between characters to deepen their interactions and provide insight into their personalities.
  • Ensure a smoother transition between scenes and characters to maintain coherence and flow in the storytelling.
  • Add layers to the Mother Otter's character to make her more complex and multidimensional, allowing for a more compelling and dynamic interaction with Tom.
  • Introduce a clear conflict or obstacle in the scene to create tension and drive the narrative forward, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the story.



Scene 16 -  The Storm's Fury
INT. STREAM - DUSK

Tom dozes in the stream, with the Trout, cuddling their
smooth sides. Gray clouds form over the stream. There
is THUNDER and LIGHTNING. Rain begins pouring heavily.
The rocks in the stream shake. Hail falls.

The stream rises and starts rushing wildly. Tom clings
onto a rock, so as not to be taken downstream. The storm
brings out the WORMS. The Trout move in to gobble them up.
32.


The EELS come rushing up to the surface from the bottom
of the stream. They are all out of hiding, panic stricken
and pushing past Tom.
EELS
We must run! We must run! What a
thunderstorm! Down to the sea, down
to the sea! Down to the sea, we go!

The Mother Otter swims past with her brood. The Otters
hungrily look at the eels swimming past. They lick
their lips.
MOTHER OTTER
(to Tom)
Now is your time, eft, if you
want to see the world.
(to her children)
Come along, children, never mind
those nasty eels. We shall
breakfast on salmon tomorrow.
Down to the sea, down to the sea!

THREE GIRLS with their arms around each others’ necks
float past.
GIRLS
Down to the sea, down to the sea!
TOM
Oh stay! Wait for me! Down to
the sea? Everything is going to
the sea, and I will go, too.
Goodbye, trout!

The Trout ignore Tom, as they are too busy eating worms.
The water lilies and aquatic plants sway uncontrollably in
the chaos of the storm.

The current of the stream forces Tom along towards the sea.
He moves past FISH that mistake him for food, and attempt
to eat him. Unknown to Tom, they are warned away by the
Water Fairies and retreat.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure","Drama"]

Summary A sudden thunderstorm engulfs the stream, transforming it into a raging torrent. The storm stirs up worms, attracting hungry Trout. Panicked Eels flee towards the sea, followed by a Mother Otter and her young, all caught in the chaotic current. Tom, swept along by the powerful stream, struggles to stay afloat as fish attempt to devour him, only to be thwarted by the Water Fairies. Amidst the swirling chaos and rushing water, the aquatic plants sway wildly, reflecting the storm's fury.
Strengths
  • Intriguing concept
  • Emotional depth
  • Imaginative world-building
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Some elements may be confusing for the audience

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, filled with fantastical elements, and sets up a new direction for the story with Tom's transformation into a Water Baby.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a chimney sweep transforming into a Water Baby and exploring an underwater world is innovative and captivating.

Plot: 7

The plot advances significantly with Tom's transformation and his journey into the underwater world, introducing new conflicts and challenges.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of survival and adventure in a natural setting, with authentic character actions and dialogue that enhance the authenticity of the story.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, especially Tom and the various aquatic creatures, are intriguing and add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 9

Tom undergoes a significant transformation from a chimney sweep to a Water Baby, leading to a profound change in his character.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal in this scene is to join the other creatures in heading towards the sea, symbolizing his desire for adventure and exploration.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal is to survive the storm and make it to the sea, reflecting the immediate challenge of the rising water level and the chaotic environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a moderate level of conflict with Tom's transformation and the challenges he faces in the underwater world.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple obstacles and challenges that create uncertainty and suspense for the audience.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as Tom navigates a new world as a Water Baby, facing unknown dangers and uncertainties.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new phase in Tom's journey and setting up new challenges and adventures.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions of the aquatic creatures and the protagonist's uncertain fate in the storm.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the contrast between the creatures' instinctual drive to survive and the protagonist's desire for adventure and exploration. It challenges Tom's beliefs about his place in the world and his willingness to take risks.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions from curiosity to fear to hope, especially with Tom's transformation and exploration.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal but serves its purpose in conveying the necessary information and emotions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, vivid descriptions, and character interactions that create a sense of urgency and suspense.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the protagonist's journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue that enhance the visual and emotional impact of the story.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively building tension and conflict as the protagonist navigates the chaotic environment.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from the previous scene, as it abruptly starts with Tom dozing in the stream without any context.
  • The sudden onset of a thunderstorm and heavy rain feels rushed and could benefit from a smoother buildup to create a more immersive atmosphere.
  • The introduction of the eels and Mother Otter feels disjointed and could be better integrated into the scene to enhance the flow of events.
  • The dialogue from the Eels and Mother Otter could be more impactful and emotionally resonant to add depth to the scene.
  • The interaction between Tom and the Trout could be more engaging and meaningful, as it currently feels disconnected from the rest of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider starting the scene with a gradual build-up to the thunderstorm, setting the mood and atmosphere effectively.
  • Integrate the introduction of the eels and Mother Otter more seamlessly into the narrative to create a more cohesive storyline.
  • Enhance the dialogue of the Eels and Mother Otter to add emotional depth and resonance to their interactions with Tom.
  • Develop the interaction between Tom and the Trout to make it more meaningful and connected to the overall theme of the scene.
  • Ensure a smoother transition from the previous scene to maintain continuity and coherence in the storytelling.



Scene 17 -  Lost and Found: Tom's Encounter with the Salmon
EXT/INT. SALMON RIVER - SUNSET

Tom looks out of the river into the far distance, towards
the vastness of the sea. He is overwhelmed by the sheer
size of the sea.
33.


TOM
That must be the sea. If I go on
into it, I shall surely lose my
way.

Frightened, Tom dives under the river and settles within
the crack of a rock.
TOM
I will stop here and look out for
someone to tell me where to go.


INT. SALMON RIVER - DAY

Tom awakens to see a proud looking LARGE SALMON nearby,
with a grand hooked nose and curling lip. The Large Salmon
is speaking lovingly to his wife, LADY SALMON.
LARGE SALMON
My dear, you really look
dreadfully tired. You must not
overexert yourself.
LADY SALMON
I am fine.
LARGE SALMON
Nonsense! Do rest yourself behind
this rock.

The Large Salmon pushes the Lady Salmon gently with his
nose, towards the rock where Tom rests. The Large Salmon
suddenly sees Tom, and glares at him fiercely, threatened
by his presence.
LARGE SALMON
(aggressively)
What do you want here?
TOM
Oh, don’t hurt me! I only want to
look at you, you are so handsome.

The Large Salmon is taken aback by this compliment, and
is suddenly embarrassed.
LARGE SALMON
Ah? I really beg your pardon. I
see what you are, my little dear.
34.


TOM
You do?
LARGE SALMON
I have met one or two creatures
like you before and found them
very agreeable.
LADY SALMON
One of them showed my husband a
great kindness lately, which we
hope to be able to repay.
LARGE SALMON
I hope we shall not be in your way.
As soon as this lady is rested, we
shall proceed on our journey.

TOM
So you have seen things like me
before?
LARGE SALMON
Several times, my dear. Indeed, it
was only last night that one at
the river’s mouth came and warned
us of some new nets.
LADY SALMON
And he showed us the way round
them in the most obliging way.
Tom is elated at the prospect of finding other Water Babies.

TOM
So there are Water Babies? Then
I shall have someone to play
with. How delightful!
LADY SALMON
Were there no Water Babies up
this stream?
TOM
No! And I grew so lonely. I
thought I saw three last night,
but they were gone in an instant.
LADY SALMON
How unfortunate.
35.


TOM
So I went, too, for I had
nothing to play with but
caddises, dragonflies and trout.
The Lady Salmon wrinkles her nose in distaste.
LADY SALMON
Ugh! What low company!
LARGE SALMON
My dear, if he has been in low
company, he has certainly not
learned their low manners.
LADY SALMON
But how sad for him to live among
such creatures as caddises, the
nasty things, and dragonflies, too!

LARGE SALMON
And, as for trout, everyone
knows what they are.

The two Salmon curl their lips in disgust. Tom is
intrigued by their negative response.
TOM
Why do you dislike the trout so?
LARGE SALMON
My dear, we do not even mention
them, if we can help it.
LADY SALMON
For I am sorry to say they are
relations of ours who do us no
credit.
TOM
How so?

The two Salmon exchange glances. Should they share
their story?
LARGE SALMON
A great many years ago, they
were just like us, but they were
so lazy, cowardly and greedy.
LARGE SALMON
Instead of going down to the sea
every year to see the world, they
(MORE)
36.


LARGE SALMON (CONT’D)
chose to stay in the streams and
eat worms.
LADY SALMON
And they are very properly
punished for it.
TOM
And how have they been punished?
The Large Salmon snorts with contempt.
LADY SALMON
They have grown ugly and are
actually so degraded in their
tastes that they will eat our
children.
LARGE SALMON
Why, I have actually known one of
them to propose to a lady salmon,
the impudent little creature.

LADY SALMON
I should hope that there are very
few ladies of ours who would
degrade themselves by listening to
such a creature for an instant.

The Lady Salmon shudders.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure","Drama"]

Summary Lost and alone in the Salmon River, Tom seeks refuge in a rock crevice. He wakes to find himself face-to-face with a large, talking Salmon and his wife. Initially frightened, Tom charms the Salmon with his compliments, earning their trust. They inform him of other Water Babies and reveal their disdain for the lazy, greedy Trout who inhabit the river's streams. The Salmon, intrigued by Tom, contemplate sharing their story of the Trout with him.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing world-building
  • Revealing character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited action
  • Lack of immediate high stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, informative, and sets up intriguing elements for the story. The interaction between Tom and the Salmon is captivating, and the revelation of Water Babies adds depth to the fantasy world.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of Water Babies, the hierarchy among aquatic creatures, and the idea of redemption for the trout are well-developed and add richness to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Tom learns about the existence of Water Babies and the dynamics among different aquatic creatures. The scene sets up potential conflicts and alliances.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh concept of anthropomorphic salmon characters and explores themes of societal norms and acceptance. The dialogue and interactions feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Tom, the Large Salmon, and the Lady Salmon are well-defined and their interactions reveal their personalities and beliefs.

Character Changes: 6

Tom's understanding of the world and his place in it evolves as he learns about Water Babies and the dynamics among aquatic creatures.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal is to find companionship and belonging, as he expresses his loneliness and desire to play with Water Babies. This reflects his deeper need for connection and acceptance.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal is to navigate the river and find his way, as he expresses fear of getting lost in the sea. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in the unfamiliar environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a subtle conflict between the Salmon and the trout, as well as potential conflicts arising from the revelation of Water Babies' existence.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Tom faces challenges in understanding the salmon characters' values and behaviors. The conflict adds depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are not extremely high in this scene, but the revelation of Water Babies and potential conflicts among aquatic creatures set the stage for future developments.

Story Forward: 7

The scene introduces new elements, such as Water Babies and the hierarchy among aquatic creatures, moving the story forward and setting up potential conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected interactions between Tom and the salmon characters. The reader is kept on their toes by the whimsical dialogue and character dynamics.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the societal norms and values of the salmon characters, particularly their disdain for the trout. This challenges Tom's beliefs about different species and their behaviors.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes curiosity, disgust, and sympathy through the interactions and revelations.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue between Tom and the Salmon is engaging and reveals information about the world and characters. The disdain towards the trout adds depth to the conversation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its unique premise, lively dialogue, and character interactions. The reader is drawn into the world of the Salmon River and Tom's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and intrigue, with a balance of dialogue and action that keeps the reader engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct character interactions and dialogue. It maintains a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of direction and purpose for Tom's character. While he expresses excitement at the prospect of finding other Water Babies, there is no clear motivation or goal established for him in this scene.
  • The dialogue between Tom and the Salmon lacks depth and meaningful interaction. The conversation feels superficial and does not add much to the overall story or character development.
  • The negative portrayal of the trout by the Salmon characters feels forced and out of place. The disdain towards the trout does not contribute significantly to the scene or advance the plot in a meaningful way.
  • The scene lacks a sense of tension or conflict. While there is a brief moment of aggression from the Large Salmon towards Tom, it is quickly diffused without any real consequences or impact on the story.
  • The transition between the underwater and above-water settings is abrupt and could be smoother to enhance the flow of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider giving Tom a clearer objective or goal in this scene to drive the narrative forward. This could involve him actively seeking out other Water Babies or discovering more about his own origins.
  • Develop the dialogue between Tom and the Salmon characters to be more engaging and meaningful. Explore themes of loneliness, friendship, or self-discovery to add depth to the interaction.
  • Reconsider the portrayal of the trout and their punishment by the Salmon. Ensure that this subplot aligns with the overall themes and message of the screenplay.
  • Introduce a stronger conflict or obstacle for Tom to overcome in this scene. This could create more tension and keep the audience engaged in his journey.
  • Work on the transition between the underwater and above-water settings to create a seamless and cohesive narrative flow.



Scene 18 -  The Water Baby's Rescue
EXT/INT. SALMON RIVER - NIGHT

Tom settles on a rock at the river bank. He gazes at the
bright moon and stars splashed across the night sky. He
watches the river flow under the moonlight, and observes
the swaying firs and birches.

He hears the owl’s HOOT, the fox’s BARK and the
Otter’s wicked LAUGH. Tom returns underwater.

INT. SALMON RIVER - MOMENTS LATER

A bright red light moves through the river. Tom is
alarmed. Should he warn the Salmon? It is too late.
Several Salmon are deeply hypnotized by the light.
MAN #1 (O.S.)
Here we shall fish.
37.


EXT/INT. SALMON RIVER - MOMENTS LATER

Tom peers through the surface of the water to see the
outline of two MEN. Man #1 holds a spear and Man 2#, a
flashlight. Man #1 spears a Salmon and lifts it out of
the water.
MAN
Take this. He’s a big one and
hold your hand steady.
Tom, filled with fear, returns underwater.

An argument ensues between the two men. They struggle with
one another. The sound of two PUNCHES being thrown. A
SPLASH is heard as one of the men falls into the water.
A dark silhouette in front of Tom.
TOM
Perhaps the water has made him
fall asleep as it did me.

Tom swims closer to the Man, and is horrified to learn
that the stranger is none other than his miserable
employer, Mr. Grimes.
TOM
Oh dear me! Now he will turn into
a Water Baby. What a nasty
troublesome one he will be!
The Water Fairies appear and take Mr. Grimes away.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Mr. Grimes did not turn into a
Water Baby. The fairies carried
Mr. Grimes away and put him where
they put everything. Exactly where
it ought to be.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure","Drama"]

Summary Tom, a water baby, observes two men fishing for salmon under a moonlit sky. When one of the men, Tom's employer Mr. Grimes, falls into the water, Tom is horrified. The Water Fairies, however, appear and spirit Mr. Grimes away, leaving Tom alone in the river.
Strengths
  • Intriguing concept
  • Emotional depth
  • Engaging plot twists
  • Rich world-building
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be too fantastical for some audiences
  • Complexity of themes may require careful handling

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, emotionally resonant, and sets up intriguing developments for the story. The mix of tones and sentiments creates a rich and immersive experience for the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a chimney sweep transforming into a Water Baby in a mystical river setting is innovative and captivating. The scene introduces magical elements seamlessly into the narrative, enhancing the overall storytelling.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene as Tom undergoes a profound transformation and encounters new challenges and characters. The conflict and stakes are heightened, driving the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and imaginative take on the theme of nature conservation and human-animal relationships. The inclusion of supernatural beings and moral lessons adds a unique twist to the familiar setting of a river.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, particularly Tom and Mr. Grimes, experience significant developments in this scene. Their interactions and reactions add depth to the story and set the stage for further character growth.

Character Changes: 8

Tom undergoes a profound transformation from a chimney sweep to a Water Baby, leading to a significant change in his identity and perspective. Mr. Grimes also experiences a transformative moment, albeit in a different way.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal in this scene is to confront his fears and make a decision about whether to intervene in the situation with the hypnotized Salmon. This reflects his deeper need for courage and moral integrity.

External Goal: 9

Tom's external goal is to protect the Salmon from being harmed by the two men. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Tom, Mr. Grimes, and the men fishing in the river creates tension and suspense. The high stakes of Tom's transformation and the threat to the mystical creatures raise the emotional intensity of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and actions between the characters. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the suspense and drama of the scene.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of Tom's transformation, the threat to the mystical creatures, and the conflict with Mr. Grimes and the fishermen raise the tension and suspense in the scene. The outcome has significant consequences for the characters and the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new challenges, conflicts, and characters. It sets up important plot developments and foreshadows future events, keeping the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected appearance of supernatural beings and the moral ambiguity of the characters' actions. The audience is kept on their toes wondering how the conflict will be resolved.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethical treatment of nature and animals. Tom's decision to intervene or not reflects his beliefs about the importance of protecting wildlife.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and sympathy to wonder and hope. The dramatic events and character transformations resonate with the audience, creating a powerful emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions, motivations, and conflicts of the characters. It enhances the atmosphere and builds tension in key moments.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of mystery, magic, and moral dilemmas. The conflict and suspense keep the audience invested in Tom's decisions and the outcome of the situation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, as well as allowing for moments of reflection and introspection. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the emotional impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue formatting. The visual and auditory elements are well integrated into the narrative.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, with a buildup of tension and conflict leading to a resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition between Tom observing the river under the moonlight and the sudden appearance of the bright red light that hypnotizes the Salmon. This abrupt shift in focus can be disorienting for the audience.
  • The dialogue between the two men fishing for Salmon feels a bit forced and unnatural. It could be more effective if the conversation was more authentic and reflective of the characters' personalities.
  • The revelation of Mr. Grimes as one of the men fishing for Salmon is a surprising twist, but the connection to Tom's previous interactions with Mr. Grimes could be more clearly established for better impact.
  • The description of the Water Fairies appearing and taking Mr. Grimes away feels rushed and lacks detail. This moment could be expanded upon to create a more impactful and visually engaging scene.
  • The narration at the end of the scene feels disconnected from the rest of the action and could be integrated more smoothly into the overall flow of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between Tom observing the river and the appearance of the bright red light to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Work on making the dialogue between the two men fishing for Salmon more natural and reflective of their characters to enhance the authenticity of the interaction.
  • Establish a stronger connection between Mr. Grimes' appearance as one of the men fishing for Salmon and Tom's previous encounters with him to heighten the impact of the revelation.
  • Expand on the description of the Water Fairies appearing and taking Mr. Grimes away to create a more visually engaging and impactful moment in the scene.
  • Integrate the narration at the end of the scene more seamlessly into the action to ensure it complements the overall flow of the scene.



Scene 19 -  Tom's Disappointment
INT/EXT. SALMON RIVER - DAY

Tom continues his journey along the river to the sea,
moved along by the strong current. He passes villages,
bridges, and boats, on his way to the sea.
38.


INT. SEA - DAY

Groups of BASS excitedly leap in and out of the water and
hungrily devour SHRIMP as they move through the water.

A happy go lucky SEAL swims by. Tom waves hello.
TOM
How do you do? What a beautiful
place the sea is!
SEAL
Good tide to you. The sea
certainly is a beauty!
TOM
This is my first time in the sea.
SEAL
Are you looking for your
brothers and sisters? I passed
them all at play.
TOM
Oh, then I shall have friends at
last!
Tom claps his hands and whoops with glee.

INT. BOTTOM OF THE SEA - DAY

Tom swims in the ocean, still searching for the unseen
Water Babies. A strange SOUND is heard. Could it be the
Water Babies at last?

Two blinking eyes buried under the sand, stare at Tom.
Believing that he sees Water Babies, Tom begins to
quickly scrape away the sand.
TOM
Don’t hide! I do want someone to
play with so much!

A TURBOT surfaces, knocks Tom over and flops away along
the bottom of the sea. Tom is dejected. It was no Water
Baby after all.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
To have come all this way and
faced so many dangers and yet to
find no Water Babies!
39.


Tom is overwhelmed with sadness and cries. The Seal
swimming past, is concerned, and stops to console Tom.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
How hard! Well, it did seem hard.
But even little babies, cannot
have all they want without waiting
for it.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Transformed into a fish, young Tom arrives at the sea, brimming with excitement to find the mythical Water Babies. He encounters a friendly seal who confirms their existence but tells him they are currently at play. Searching the ocean floor, Tom excitedly spots a turbot, mistaking it for a Water Baby. His joy quickly turns to disappointment and he breaks down in tears. The seal, sensing his distress, comforts him, reminding him that even babies need time to wait.
Strengths
  • Imaginative world-building
  • Emotionally resonant storytelling
  • Engaging character development
Weaknesses
  • Slight lack of clear central conflict
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, imaginative, and emotionally resonant, with a good balance of whimsy and melancholy.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a chimney sweep transforming into a Water Baby and embarking on a journey through the underwater world is innovative and captivating.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Tom explores the sea and interacts with different creatures, adding depth to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements like the Water Babies and the interactions between Tom and the sea creatures. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and contribute to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, especially Tom and the various aquatic creatures, are well-developed and add richness to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Tom undergoes a significant transformation from a chimney sweep to a Water Baby, leading to a profound change in his character.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal is to find companionship and friendship, as seen in his excitement at the prospect of meeting Water Babies and his disappointment when he realizes the turbot is not one of them. This reflects his deeper need for connection and belonging.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal is to find the Water Babies in the sea, which reflects the immediate challenge he is facing on his journey.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

There is a mild conflict in Tom's search for the Water Babies and his emotional journey, but it is not the central focus of the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from Tom's disappointment and the challenges he faces in his search for the Water Babies, adding conflict and tension.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not extremely high, there is a sense of urgency and discovery in Tom's journey.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements and expanding the world of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions between Tom and the sea creatures, as well as the twist in his search for the Water Babies.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the theme of patience and waiting for what one desires. Tom's disappointment at not finding the Water Babies highlights the idea that one cannot have everything they want immediately.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from sadness to joy, making it emotionally impactful.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is simple but effective in conveying emotions and interactions between characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the sense of wonder and discovery, as well as the emotional journey of the protagonist. The interactions with the sea creatures add charm and intrigue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotion, with a good balance of action and reflection.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions of locations and actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions. It maintains a good pace and rhythm.


Critique
  • The transition from Tom continuing his journey along the river to suddenly being in the sea is abrupt and lacks a smooth transition. It would benefit from a clearer connection between the two settings.
  • The dialogue between Tom and the Seal feels a bit forced and unnatural. It could be more engaging and authentic by adding depth to their interaction.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or conflict for Tom. It would be more engaging if there was a specific goal or obstacle he was trying to overcome in his search for the Water Babies.
  • The emotional shift from Tom's excitement to his sudden dejection is quite drastic and could be better developed to make it more impactful and relatable to the audience.
  • The narration at the end of the scene feels a bit heavy-handed and could be more subtly integrated into the dialogue or actions of the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between Tom's journey along the river and his arrival in the sea to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Work on making the dialogue between Tom and the Seal more natural and engaging by adding depth to their conversation.
  • Introduce a clear goal or obstacle for Tom to overcome in his search for the Water Babies to create a more compelling narrative.
  • Develop the emotional arc of the scene more gradually to make Tom's shift from excitement to dejection more impactful and relatable.
  • Find ways to integrate the narration more subtly into the scene to avoid it feeling heavy-handed and allow it to enhance the storytelling.



Scene 20 -  Tom's Unending Search
EXT. SEA/BUOY - DAY
Tom sits on a buoy, mournfully looking out over the sea.
SEAGULLS fly overhead and float on the surface of the ocean.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
And Tom sat upon the buoy for
weeks, looking out to sea and
wondering when the Water Babies
would come.

A SHARK rubs his side on the buoy, sunbathes in the sun
and cheekily winks at Tom.

Tom refuses to give up his search on finding other
Water Babies. Bass swim by.
TOM
Have you seen any Water Babies?

The Bass ignore Tom, too busy eating shrimp as they
move through the water.
A SEA SNAIL floats in.
TOM
Where do you come from, you
pretty creature?
SEA SNAIL
Where I come from, I know not. And
where I am going, who can tell?
(shrugs)
I float out my life in the ocean
with the warm sunshine above my
head.
(yawns)
And that is enough for me.
TOM
And have you seen any Water Babies?
40.


SEA SNAIL
(thinking)
Yes, perhaps I have seen the
Water Babies. I have seen many
strange things as I sail along.
The Sea Snail floats away.

A big lazy SUNFISH with a small mouth swims in. Tom
turns his attention to this strange creature.
TOM
Have you seen the Water Babies?
SUNFISH
I’m sure I don’t know. I don’t
know. I’ve lost my way.
TOM
Where were you going?
SUNFISH
I meant to go to Chesapeake. I’m
afraid I’ve got it wrong somehow.

TOM
This is useless. You are as lost
as me.
SUNFISH
Dear me! It was all by following
that pleasant warm water.
TOM
It is beautiful.
SUNFISH
I’m sure I’ve lost my way. I’ve
lost my way. Don’t talk to me. I
want to think.
The Turbot reappears and accidentally bumps into Tom again.

TOM
Oh, it’s you again. Where do you
come from? And why are you so
sick and sad?
TURBOT
I come from down South.
41.


TOM
And how did you end up here?
TURBOT
I wandered North.
TOM
Have you seen any Water Babies
near here?
TURBOT
Yes...Now I am mending every day but
I am very sick and sad. Perhaps I
shall never get home again.

TOM
And what about the Water Babies?
TURBOT
They helped me last night, or I
should have been eaten by a
great porpoise.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Tom continues his quest to find the Water Babies, eagerly questioning every sea creature he encounters. From a fearsome shark to a sluggish sunfish, none have seen the elusive children. Despite his persistence, Tom's search yields only cryptic responses and hints of the Water Babies' kindness. The scene ends with a hopeful but disheartened Tom, as a sick turbot, once aided by the Water Babies, can't provide more information.
Strengths
  • Rich fantasy elements
  • Emotional depth
  • Intriguing character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited conflict
  • Some dialogue may be repetitive or expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively captures a sense of melancholy and wonder through the interactions between Tom and the various sea creatures, setting a tone of curiosity and reflection.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a transformed human navigating the underwater world and seeking out mythical Water Babies is intriguing and well-executed, adding depth to the fantasy elements of the story.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on Tom's search for the Water Babies and his interactions with the sea creatures, moving the story forward while introducing new elements and challenges for the character.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique sea creatures and explores themes of lostness and connection in a creative and engaging way. The dialogue feels authentic to the characters' personalities and motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, including Tom and the various sea creatures, are well-developed and add depth to the scene, each with their own unique personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 6

Tom undergoes a transformation from a lost and confused boy to a curious and determined seeker, adapting to his new aquatic form and environment.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal is to find the Water Babies, reflecting his desire for connection, purpose, and belonging.

External Goal: 6

Tom's external goal is to navigate the ocean and seek out information about the Water Babies from the sea creatures he encounters.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

While there is some conflict in Tom's search for the Water Babies and his interactions with the sea creatures, the scene primarily focuses on exploration and discovery.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the sea creatures' varying responses to Tom's inquiries, creating obstacles and challenges for him to overcome in his search for the Water Babies.

High Stakes: 4

While there is a sense of urgency in Tom's search for the Water Babies, the stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on exploration and discovery.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and mysteries for Tom to explore, setting the stage for further developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions between Tom and the sea creatures, adding an element of surprise and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the theme of lostness and seeking direction. The sea creatures, like the sunfish and turbot, reflect different perspectives on being lost and finding one's way.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of sadness, hope, and wonder, drawing the reader into Tom's journey and the mysterious underwater world.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue between Tom and the sea creatures conveys a sense of longing, confusion, and curiosity, enhancing the emotional depth of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its whimsical dialogue, unique sea creatures, and the mystery surrounding the Water Babies. It keeps the audience curious and invested in Tom's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. It allows for moments of reflection and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to standard screenplay conventions, making it easy to follow and visualize the action.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure with clear character interactions and progression of events. It maintains the expected format for a fantasy genre scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of direction and purpose, with Tom aimlessly asking various sea creatures about the Water Babies without much progression in the plot.
  • The dialogue between Tom and the sea creatures feels repetitive and doesn't add much depth to the scene or character development.
  • The interactions with the sea creatures could be more engaging and meaningful, providing insights into Tom's journey or the world of the Water Babies.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to create a vivid underwater setting and enhance the reader's immersion in the story.
  • There is a lack of tension or conflict in the scene, making it feel stagnant and uneventful.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a clear goal or objective for Tom in this scene, such as a specific clue or lead on the whereabouts of the Water Babies.
  • Focus on developing more meaningful interactions between Tom and the sea creatures, with each encounter revealing something new about the world or Tom's character.
  • Introduce a sense of urgency or conflict to drive the scene forward and keep the reader engaged.
  • Enhance the visual elements by describing the underwater world in more detail, painting a vivid picture for the reader.
  • Consider restructuring the dialogue to be more purposeful and impactful, with each conversation contributing to the overall narrative.



Scene 21 -  Encounter with Polonius the Lobster
EXT. SEASHORE/ROCK POOLS - DAY

Tom’s search for other Water Babies continues. He explores
the rock pools, and suddenly discovers the rude and
conceited POLONIUS THE LOBSTER. He cuts up seaweed with
his claws, places it in his mouth, and munches loudly.
POLONIUS
You couldn’t do that.
TOM
Have you seen any Water Babies?

POLONIUS THE LOBSTER
Yes. I have seen them often. But
I do not think much of them.
TOM
Why?

Polonius the Lobster continues to eat while he rudely
talks through mouthfuls, oblivious to his bad manners. He
is in a world of his own.
POLONIUS THE LOBSTER
They are meddlesome little
creatures.
42.

TOM
That can’t be so.
POLONIUS THE LOBSTER
It’s true! They go about helping
fish and shells which get into
scrapes.
TOM
And what is wrong with that?

POLONIUS THE LOBSTER
Well, for my part, I should be
ashamed to be helped by little
soft creatures that have not even
a shell on their back.
TOM
I am a Water Baby.

POLONIUS THE LOBSTER
Yes, I know! I recognized what
you are! As for me, I have lived
quite long enough in the world to
take care of myself.

Polonius dismisses Tom with one of his claws, and
resumes eating.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Tom, a Water Baby, meets a rude and conceited lobster named Polonius who insults Water Babies. Despite Tom's attempts to defend them, Polonius dismisses him and continues eating seaweed. The scene showcases Polonius's arrogance and Tom's determination to find other Water Babies.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Introduction of a new character
  • Exploration of themes
Weaknesses
  • Lack of high stakes
  • Minimal character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, introduces a new character, and sets up potential conflicts and themes for future development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Water Babies interacting with other sea creatures is intriguing and adds depth to the fantasy world created in the screenplay.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Tom continues his search for the Water Babies, encountering obstacles and new characters along the way.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique underwater creatures and explores themes of empathy and self-sufficiency in a creative way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic to their underwater world.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Polonius the Lobster is a well-defined character with a distinct personality that adds depth to the scene. Tom's curiosity and determination are also highlighted.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character change in this scene, as Tom's curiosity and determination remain consistent.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal in this scene is to understand the Water Babies and their nature. This reflects his deeper desire for knowledge and connection with the mystical creatures.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal is to find the Water Babies. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in his quest.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a mild conflict in the differing opinions of Tom and Polonius regarding the Water Babies.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Polonius the Lobster's dismissive attitude creating a barrier for Tom in his search for the Water Babies.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character interaction and world-building.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new character and setting up potential conflicts and themes.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected encounter with Polonius the Lobster and the philosophical conflict that arises.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Polonius the Lobster's belief in self-sufficiency and Tom's belief in helping others. This challenges Tom's values of kindness and empathy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes curiosity and mild amusement but lacks deep emotional resonance.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between Tom and Polonius the Lobster is engaging and reveals their contrasting personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the unique characters, whimsical dialogue, and the mystery surrounding the Water Babies.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and developing the philosophical conflict between the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings and dialogue format.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a fantasy genre, with clear character interactions and progression of the plot.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or conflict, making it feel somewhat stagnant in the overall narrative.
  • The dialogue between Tom and Polonius the Lobster feels a bit one-dimensional, with Polonius being overly dismissive and Tom being too passive in response.
  • Polonius the Lobster's characterization as rude and conceited could be further developed to add depth and complexity to the interaction.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the setting and atmosphere of the rock pools.
  • The exchange between Tom and Polonius could be more dynamic and engaging, with a stronger back-and-forth dialogue that reveals more about both characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a sense of tension or conflict to the scene to make it more engaging and propel the narrative forward.
  • Explore ways to deepen the characterization of Polonius the Lobster to make him a more compelling and multi-dimensional character.
  • Enhance the visual elements of the scene by describing the rock pools in more detail and creating a vivid setting for the interaction.
  • Revise the dialogue between Tom and Polonius to make it more dynamic and revealing of their personalities and motivations.
  • Consider incorporating subtle hints or foreshadowing about the Water Babies to build anticipation and intrigue for future scenes.



Scene 22 -  The Professor's Catch and Ellie's Fall
EXT. SEASHORE/ROCK POOLS - SAME

Ellie and PROFESSOR MULBERRY, walk along the rocks,
near where Tom and Polonius the Lobster are situated.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Professor Mulberry was a Professor
at the university and also a friend
of Ellie’s Father.
ELLIE
I don’t care about all these
things because they can’t play
with me or talk to me.
The Professor turns to look at Ellie with great disapproval.

PROFESSOR
You should care.
ELLIE
If there were little children in
the water now and I could see
them, I should like that.
43.


PROFESSOR
Children in the water?
ELLIE
Yes. I know there are children
in the water and mermaids, too,
and mermen.
PROFESSOR
What makes you think that there
are children in the water?
ELLIE
I saw them all in a picture at
home, of a beautiful lady
surrounded by dolphins and with
babies sitting in her lap.
The Professor casts his hand held net into a rock pool.

PROFESSOR
You must show me this picture.
ELLIE
It hangs on the staircase. I have
dreamed about it a hundred times.
It is so beautiful that it must
be true.
PROFESSOR
No man is forced to believe
anything to be true, but what he
can see, hear, taste or handle.
ELLIE
But why are there not Water Babies?
PROFESSOR
Because there ain’t.

Tom gets caught in the hand held net. The Professor
pulls the net out of the water, and removes Tom.
PROFESSOR (CONT’D)
Dear me! What a large pink
Holothurian with hands, too. It
must be connected with Synapta.

The Professor moves his face closer to Tom, studying
him closely through his spectacles.
44.

PROFESSOR (CONT’D)
It has actual eyes! Why, it must
be a Cephalopod. This is most
extraordinary!
TOM
No, I ain’t.
ELLIE
It is a Water Baby.
PROFESSOR
Water-fiddlesticks, my dear. You
must have dreamed of Water Babies
last night, your head is so full of
them.

Tom bites the Professor’s finger. The Professor drops
Tom onto a bed of seaweed.
PROFESSOR
Oh! Ah! Yah!
ELLIE
But it was a Water Baby. I heard
it speak. Ah, it is gone!

Tom jumps from one rock to another before diving into the
ocean. Ellie hurries after Tom. She slips and hits her
head on a rock. The worried Professor moves towards her,
calling out to her.
PROFESSOR
Ellie! Ellie! Ellie!

There is no response from Ellie. She lies motionless on a
rock. The Professor lifts Ellie in his arms and begins
the walk to the Estate.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure","Children"]

Summary While exploring the seashore, Ellie and Professor Mulberry debate the existence of Water Babies. The skeptical Professor catches a Water Baby named Tom in his net, mistaking him for a new species. Tom bites the Professor, escaping back into the ocean. Ellie, believing in Water Babies, chases after Tom and falls, hitting her head. The Professor finds Ellie unconscious and carries her back to the Estate, leaving the question of Water Babies unresolved.
Strengths
  • Imaginative world-building
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Whimsical tone
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Slightly predictable conflict resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, imaginative, and introduces a sense of wonder and mystery. It captivates the audience with its fantastical elements and educational undertones.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of Water Babies, fairies, and the underwater world is innovative and captivating. It introduces a unique and enchanting setting that sparks the audience's imagination.

Plot: 8

The plot unfolds with a series of magical encounters and introduces conflict through the interaction between Tom, the Professor, and Ellie. It sets the stage for further exploration of the underwater world and the search for Water Babies.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique concept of Water Babies and explores the clash between imagination and skepticism. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the fantastical atmosphere.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Tom, Ellie, and the Professor are well-defined and contribute to the whimsical and mysterious tone of the scene. Each character adds depth and curiosity to the unfolding story.

Character Changes: 6

Ellie's unwavering belief in Water Babies challenges the Professor's skepticism and sets the stage for potential character growth and development. Tom's transformation into a Water Baby also marks a significant change in his character.

Internal Goal: 8

Ellie's internal goal is to believe in the existence of Water Babies and maintain her sense of wonder and imagination. This reflects her deeper desire for magic and fantasy in her life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to prove the existence of Water Babies to the Professor and others. This reflects the immediate challenge of convincing skeptics and defending her beliefs.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict between Ellie's belief in Water Babies and the Professor's skepticism adds tension and curiosity to the scene. It sets up a clash of beliefs and perspectives that drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the Professor's skepticism posing a challenge to Ellie's beliefs and creating conflict.

High Stakes: 5

While the stakes are not explicitly high in this scene, the introduction of Water Babies and the potential for further exploration of the underwater world create a sense of anticipation and mystery.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the concept of Water Babies, setting up conflicts between characters, and hinting at further exploration of the underwater world. It piques the audience's curiosity and sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected events, such as Tom biting the Professor's finger and Ellie hitting her head on a rock, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Ellie's belief in the magical and the Professor's rational skepticism. This challenges Ellie's values of imagination and wonder against the Professor's reliance on empirical evidence.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of wonder, curiosity, and excitement in the audience. It taps into the emotions of imagination and discovery, creating a magical and enchanting atmosphere.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue between Ellie, the Professor, and Tom is engaging and helps to reveal the characters' personalities and beliefs. It adds to the whimsical and educational nature of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interaction between Ellie and the Professor, the introduction of fantastical elements, and the suspenseful moment when Ellie hits her head on a rock.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment with Ellie's fall and the Professor's reaction.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear character interactions and progression of events. It effectively sets up the conflict between Ellie and the Professor.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition between the previous scene and the current one, making it feel disjointed.
  • The dialogue between Ellie and Professor Mulberry feels forced and unnatural, lacking depth and emotional connection.
  • The interaction between Tom, Ellie, and the Professor lacks tension and conflict, making the scene less engaging.
  • The Professor's reaction to Tom being caught in the net is unrealistic and does not align with the established tone of the script.
  • The revelation of Tom being a Water Baby is abrupt and lacks proper buildup or explanation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition from the previous scene to this one to maintain continuity.
  • Develop the dialogue between Ellie and Professor Mulberry to make it more engaging and emotionally resonant.
  • Introduce more conflict and tension in the interaction between Tom, Ellie, and the Professor to create a more dynamic scene.
  • Ensure the characters' reactions and responses are consistent with the established tone and context of the script.
  • Provide a clearer explanation or buildup to the revelation of Tom being a Water Baby to make it more impactful and believable.



Scene 23 -  The Lobster Pot Trap
INT. THE ESTATE/ELLIE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
OUTSIDE THE WINDOW
A FAIRY watches on....

The Professor and the Nanny look over Ellie as she lies in
bed. Ellie occasionally moves, remaining unconscious and
delirious. After a few moments the Professor and Nanny
exit the room.

The Fairy on the lookout, beckons the other Fairies to come
forth. The Fairies fly through the window. They place a
pair of wings on Ellie and hug her.
45.


NARRATOR (V.O.)
And nobody heard or saw anything
of Ellie for a very long time. And
this is why they say that no one
has ever yet seen a Water Baby,
for the Fairies take them away.
The Fairies and Ellie fly out of the bedroom window.

INT/EXT. SEA - DAY

A round cage. Trapped in it, an ashamed Polonius the
Lobster, twiddling his claws furiously. Polonius
instantly recognises Tom, and waves a feeble hello with
one of his claws.
TOM
What? Have you been naughty and
have they put you in lock up?
POLONIUS THE LOBSTER
I can’t get out.
TOM
Why did you get in?
POLONIUS THE LOBSTER
After that nasty piece of dead
fish.
TOM
Where did you get in?
Polonius points to the top of the lobster pot.
POLONIUS THE LOBSTER
Through that round hole at the top.
TOM
Then why don’t you get out
through it?
POLONIUS THE LOBSTER
Because I can’t.
(moving his claws)
I have jumped upwards, downwards,
backwards and sideways, at least a
hundred times, and I can’t get out.

Tom inspects the lobster pot.
46.

TOM
Stop a bit. Turn your tail up to
me and I’ll pull you through.

Polonius turns his tail towards Tom, who attempts to pull
Polonius out from the top of the lobster pot, but instead
the Lobster accidentally pulls Tom into the lobster pot.

TOM
Hello! Here is a pretty business.
POLONIUS THE LOBSTER
What are we to do?
TOM
Now take your great claws and break
the points off those spikes, and
then we shall both get out easily.

POLONIUS THE LOBSTER
Dear me! I never thought of that,
and after all the experience of
life that I have had!

The Mother Otter returns. A large grin on her face.
MOTHER OTTER
(to Tom)
Yar! You little meddlesome
wretch, I have you now. I will
serve you out for telling the
salmon where I was!

The Mother Otter climbs onto the lobster pot. She pushes
her head through the hole in the top of the lobster pot.
The Lobster grabs her nose and stubbornly holds on.

The Mother Otter squeezes into the pot. The Lobster tears
at the Mother Otter and the Mother Otter tears at the
Lobster. In the melee, they shove, push and thump Tom.

The need for an escape. Tom jumps onto the Mother Otter’s
back and climbs out of the top hole of the lobster pot.
Tom tries to help the Lobster get out by grabbing the tail
of the Lobster and attempting to pull him out. But the
Lobster holds onto the Mother Otter.
TOM
Come along, don’t you see she is
dead?

The Mother Otter is dead, but the Lobster does not let go. A
FISHERMAN begins to pull the lobster pot out of the water.
47.


TOM
Come along, you stupid old stick-
in-the-mud, or the fisherman will
catch you!

The lobster pot is hauled out of the water and left on
the boat’s side. Polonius sees the Fisherman and gives a
final snap on the lobster pot. Polonius escapes but
leaves his claw behind on the Mother Otter’s nose.
TOM
Why did you not let go?
POLONIUS THE LOBSTER
It was a matter of honor.
Polonius twiddles his one claw furiously.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure","Comedy"]

Summary Tom the otter finds himself trapped in a lobster pot with Polonius the lobster. Despite their efforts to escape, they are joined by the Mother Otter, who is angry with Tom. After a chaotic struggle, Tom escapes, but the Mother Otter is killed by Polonius. A fisherman pulls the pot up, allowing Polonius to escape, but he loses his claw in the process.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Creative fantasy elements
  • Humorous interactions between characters
Weaknesses
  • Lack of high-stakes conflict
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, entertaining, and effectively combines fantasy elements with humor. The interactions between characters are amusing and the overall tone is light-hearted, making it an enjoyable read.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of water babies, fairies, and talking animals in a fantasy setting is well-executed and adds depth to the scene. The introduction of the lobster pot conundrum provides a unique and entertaining dilemma for the characters to navigate.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses with the introduction of the lobster pot dilemma and the interactions between Tom, Polonius, and the Mother Otter. The scene maintains a good pace and keeps the reader engaged with its comedic elements.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its portrayal of anthropomorphic sea creatures, magical Fairies, and the theme of honor and sacrifice. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and unique to the world created by the writer.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Tom and Polonius, are well-developed and their interactions are entertaining. The Mother Otter adds a layer of conflict and humor to the scene, enhancing the overall dynamic between the characters.

Character Changes: 5

While there is not a significant character arc in this scene, Tom's willingness to help Polonius and the Mother Otter showcases his compassionate nature and growth as a character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to escape from the lobster pot and help the Lobster escape as well. This reflects Tom's compassionate nature and willingness to help others in need.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to avoid being caught by the Fisherman and to help the Lobster escape from the lobster pot. This reflects the immediate challenge of the situation they are in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is primarily driven by the lobster pot dilemma and the interactions between the characters. The clash of personalities and goals creates tension and humor, keeping the scene engaging.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the Fisherman posing a threat to the protagonist's goal of escaping. The conflict between the characters adds tension and drama to the scene.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on the comedic and fantastical elements rather than high-stakes drama. However, the characters' personal conflicts and dilemmas add depth to the narrative.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and dilemmas for the characters to overcome. The resolution of the lobster pot conundrum sets the stage for future developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions of the characters, such as Polonius the Lobster's decision to hold onto the Mother Otter out of honor. The audience is kept on their toes wondering how the situation will resolve.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the concept of honor and sacrifice. Polonius the Lobster's decision to hold onto the Mother Otter out of honor, even at the cost of his own freedom, challenges traditional notions of self-preservation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a range of emotions from amusement to empathy for the characters involved. The comedic elements and character dynamics contribute to the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue between the characters is witty, humorous, and reflective of their personalities. The banter between Tom and Polonius adds comedic value to the scene, while the Mother Otter's dialogue adds a touch of conflict.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fantastical elements, humor, and sense of adventure. The reader is drawn into the world created by the writer and invested in the characters' journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense as the characters try to escape from the lobster pot. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the reader engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The transition from Ellie being unconscious in her bedroom to suddenly being taken away by Fairies and given wings feels abrupt and lacks a smooth connection.
  • The introduction of Polonius the Lobster in a round cage feels random and disconnected from the previous scenes involving Tom's search for the Water Babies.
  • The dialogue between Tom and Polonius lacks depth and meaningful interaction, making the scene feel superficial.
  • The Mother Otter's sudden appearance and confrontation with Tom and Polonius feels forced and out of place, disrupting the flow of the scene.
  • The resolution of the conflict with the Mother Otter and Polonius leaving his claw behind lacks a satisfying conclusion and feels unresolved.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition or explanation for Ellie being taken away by Fairies, to better connect the scenes.
  • Integrate Polonius the Lobster's introduction more organically into the narrative, tying it back to Tom's search for the Water Babies.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Tom and Polonius to add depth and meaning to their interaction, providing insight into their characters.
  • Develop the confrontation with the Mother Otter to feel more natural and integrated into the scene, ensuring it flows seamlessly with the rest of the narrative.
  • Provide a more conclusive resolution to the conflict with the Mother Otter and Polonius, giving a sense of closure and satisfaction to the scene.



Scene 24 -  Tom Meets the Water Babies
EXT. SEASHORE/ROCK POOLS - DAY

Tom is exhausted from his searching journey. Finally, the
elusive Water Babies appear. As Tom starts to settle by
the rock pools he stumbles across WATER BABY #1 sitting on
the sand, busy working at a rock.
WATER BABY #1
Why, you are not one of us. I
have not seen you before. You are
a new baby!
TOM
Yes I am.
Tom and Water Baby #1 hug one another.
TOM
Oh, where have you been all this
time? I have been looking for you
for so long. I have been so lonely.

WATER BABY #1
We have been here for days. There
are hundreds of us about the rocks.

TOM
Hundreds you say?
WATER BABY #1
How was it you did not see us or
hear us when we sing?
48.


TOM
I have seen and heard things
like you.

Water Baby #1 continues to smooth the sand down around
the rock.
WATER BABY #1
Come and help me, or I shall not
finish before my brothers and
sisters return.
TOM
What shall I help you with?
WATER BABY #1
At this poor little rock. A
great clumsy boulder came
rolling by in the last storm.
TOM
What work is to be done now?
WATER BABY #1
Now I must plant it again with
seaweed and coralline.

Tom and Water Baby #1 plant seaweed and coralline around
the rock. They are both absorbed in the task.
MOMENTS LATER

Other WATER BABIES stream past, LAUGHING and
ENJOYING themselves.
WATER BABY #2
We must leave for home or the tide
will prevent us from doing so.
WATER BABY #1
We have put all the rock pools in
order and nobody will see where
the ugly storm swept in.

The Water Babies file one by one into the water, heading
in the direction of St. Branden’s Fairy Isle.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
And this is the reason why the
rock pools are always so neat,
because the Water Babies come
onshore after every storm.
49.


The Water Babies swim in single file towards St.
Branden’s Fairy Isle.

NARRATOR (V.O.)(CONT’D)
And where is the home of the
Water Babies? In St. Branden’s
Fairy Isle, of course!
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Exhausted from his search, Tom finally encounters the Water Babies at the seashore. He is greeted warmly by one of them, who explains that there are hundreds of them and they are working together to restore a rock pool disturbed by a storm. After planting seaweed and coralline, the Water Babies head back to their home in St. Branden's Fairy Isle, leaving Tom to marvel at their teamwork and the beauty of their underwater world.
Strengths
  • Whimsical tone
  • Magical elements
  • Playful interactions
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Minimal conflict
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is engaging, imaginative, and full of wonder, capturing the essence of a fantastical world and the discovery of new friends. The whimsical tone and magical elements make it a captivating read.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of Water Babies living in rock pools and coming ashore after every storm is unique and intriguing. It adds depth to the fantasy world and creates a sense of wonder and mystery.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around Tom's discovery of the Water Babies and his interaction with them, leading to a sense of belonging and companionship. It moves the story forward by introducing new elements and characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique concept of Water Babies and their connection to the natural world. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and contribute to the magical atmosphere.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Tom and the Water Babies, are well-developed and engaging. Their interactions and relationships drive the scene and evoke emotions of joy and curiosity.

Character Changes: 6

Tom undergoes a change in perspective as he discovers the Water Babies and finds companionship and belonging. His interactions with the Water Babies lead to a shift in his emotions and outlook.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal is to find companionship and connection after feeling lonely for a long time. This reflects his deeper need for belonging and emotional fulfillment.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal is to help Water Baby #1 with planting seaweed and coralline around the rock. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The conflict in the scene is minimal, focusing more on exploration and discovery rather than intense conflict. It allows for a sense of wonder and curiosity to prevail.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is mild, with the challenge of planting seaweed and coralline providing a small obstacle for the characters.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on discovery and friendship rather than high-intensity conflict or danger. It allows for a sense of exploration and wonder to prevail.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the Water Babies and expanding the fantastical world in which Tom finds himself. It sets the stage for further exploration and development.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the introduction of mystical creatures and the unexpected turn of events.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the contrast between loneliness and companionship, as well as the harmony between humans and mystical creatures. This challenges Tom's beliefs about connection and the existence of magical beings.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes emotions of joy, hope, and curiosity, drawing the reader into the fantastical world of the Water Babies. The sense of wonder and discovery adds depth to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue between Tom and the Water Babies is playful and whimsical, reflecting the magical world they inhabit. It adds depth to the characters and enhances the sense of wonder in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its magical and whimsical atmosphere, as well as the emotional connection between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional connection between the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a fantasy genre, with a clear introduction, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from Tom's exhausting search to finally encountering the Water Babies. It would benefit from a smoother transition to build anticipation and emotional impact.
  • The dialogue between Tom and Water Baby #1 feels a bit rushed and could be expanded to deepen the emotional connection between the characters.
  • The interaction between Tom and Water Baby #1 could be more descriptive to create a vivid image of the scene and enhance the reader's immersion.
  • The task of planting seaweed and coralline around the rock could be more visually engaging and detailed to make the scene more dynamic and interesting.
  • The ending of the scene, with the Water Babies leaving for home, feels abrupt and could be extended to provide a more satisfying conclusion.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection from Tom before encountering the Water Babies to emphasize his emotional journey and build anticipation.
  • Expand the dialogue between Tom and Water Baby #1 to deepen their connection and add more emotional depth to the scene.
  • Enhance the description of the task of planting seaweed and coralline to create a more visually engaging and immersive experience for the reader.
  • Extend the ending of the scene to provide a more satisfying conclusion, perhaps with a moment of reflection or a hint of what is to come next for Tom and the Water Babies.
  • Consider adding sensory details and vivid imagery to bring the scene to life and create a more vivid picture in the reader's mind.



Scene 25 -  The Punishing Fairy of St. Branden’s Isle
INT. ST. BRANDEN’S FAIRY ISLE - DAY

IMAGES of St. Branden’s Fairy Isle. A land sunk under the
waves and overgrown with plants. The isle’s roots are
made of caves.

The floors are kept clean by CRABS who eat all of the
scraps. As guards, there are many WATER SNAKES dressed
in green, red and yellow velvet.

Tom places pebbles in the SEA ANEMONES mouths, giggling
as he does so.
WATERBABY #2
Stop tormenting the sea animals.
Take care what you are at. Mrs.
Bedonebyasyoudid is coming.

Tom ignores the advice he is given. He is far too busy
enjoying his antics. He continues on scaring some crabs
into hiding under the sand by pulling funny faces.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
But Tom never heeded the warnings he
received, till early one morning
Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid arrived.


INT. ST. BRANDEN’S FAIRY ISLE - DAY

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID is wearing a black bonnet, black
shawl and large green glasses. She has a large nose and
carries the Waterproof Gazette under her arm.

She inspects the Water Babies who all stand in a row, with
their hands behind their backs. Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid
begins to give the Water Babies treats: sea cakes, sea
apples and sea toffee. Tom watches on, his mouth waters,
and his eyes grow round and large.

It is Tom’s turn. Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid puts a pebble in
his mouth.
50.

TOM
You are a very cruel woman.
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
And you are a very cruel boy.
TOM
I am not.

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
Who put pebbles into the sea
anemone’s mouths to take them in
and make them fancy that they
had caught a good dinner?

Tom frowns, perplexed at how Mrs.
Bedonebyasyoudid discovered his wrongdoing.
TOM
Who told you that?
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
You did yourself this very minute.
TOM
I did?

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
Yes, everyone tells me exactly
what they have done wrong, without
knowing it themselves.
(sighs)
So there is no use trying to
hide anything from me.
TOM
I will not do so.
Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid shakes her finger at Tom.

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
Now be a good boy and I will put
no more pebbles in your mouth.
TOM
Thank you.
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
If you put none in other creatures.
TOM
I did not know there was any
harm in it.
51.


MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
Then you know now.
TOM
Yes.
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
People continually say that to me.
TOM
They do?

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
The lobster did not know that
there was any harm in getting into
the lobster pot, but it caught him
all the same.
TOM
Dear me, she does know everything!

Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid sits on a throne. She opens the
Waterproof Gazette and begins scanning the pages. Shifting
her attention back and forth from the newspaper to Tom.

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
And so if you do not know that
things are wrong, that is no
reason why you should not be
punished for them.
TOM
Perhaps.

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
Though not as much, my little
man, as if you did know.
TOM
Well, you are a little hard.
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
Not at all. I am the best friend
you ever had in all your life.
TOM
I have never had a best friend.

The Water Babies move in closer to Tom and Mrs.
Bedonebyasyoudid, surrounding them. They are fascinated by
the exchange between Tom and Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid and
watch them both eagerly.
52.

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
I cannot help punishing people
when they do wrong. I like it no
more than they do.
TOM
I am glad to hear of that!
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
I am often very sorry for them. But
I cannot help it.
TOM
And why is that?
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
For I work just like an engine.

The Water Babies exchange glances with one another. Mrs.
Bedonebyasyoudid puts the Waterproof Gazette down and
looks at Tom.

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
(CONT’D) Full of wheels and springs and
am wound up, so that I cannot help
going.
TOM
Was it long ago since they wound
you up?
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
I was wound up once and for all,
so long ago that I forget all
about it.
TOM
Dear me, you must have been made
a long time ago!

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID I
never was made. I shall go on
forever, for I am as old as
Eternity, and yet as young as Time.

Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid looks away into the distance. A
sad and distracted look on her face.
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID (CONT’D)
You thought me very ugly just now,
did you not?
Tom puts his head down. He blushes with shame.
53.


MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID (CONT’D)
I am very ugly. I am the ugliest
fairy in the world. And I shall
be, till people behave themselves.
TOM
Sorry.

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
And then I shall grow as
handsome as my sister. Her name
is Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby.
TOM
You have a sister?

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
Yes. She begins where I end, and I
begin where she ends, and those
who will not listen to her must
listen to me.
TOM
And will I meet her?

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
Soon. Now, Tom, every Friday I
come down here and call up the
little children and serve them as
they served others.

The Water Babies groan in memory of her punishments. Tom,
suddenly scared, moves under a rock. Two crabs angrily
creep away.
TOM
Ma’am, may I ask you a question?
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
Certainly.

Slowly, meekly, Tom crawls out from under the rock. The
two crabs gleefully return to their place of comfort under
the rock.
TOM
Why don’t you bring all the bad
men here and serve them out, too?
All those, like Mr. Grimes.
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
I am familiar with him.
54.


MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
I saw him fall into the water long
ago, so I expected him to be here.
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
I look after them all, and they
are in a very different place from
this because they knew that they
were doing wrong.
TOM
And what about chimney sweeps?

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
As for chimney sweeps, my sister
has sent good people to stop
that sort of thing.
TOM
She has?

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
And very much obliged to her I
am, for if she could only stop
the ill-use of poor children.
Tom claps his hands in delight and appreciation.
TOM
That would be marvelous.
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
I would grow handsome. And now, be
a good boy. Do as you would be
done by, which you did not.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Tom, a mischievous child, is caught tormenting sea creatures on St. Branden’s Fairy Isle by Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid, a strict fairy who punishes the Water Babies for their wrongdoings. Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid explains that she is an engine of punishment, always in motion. She warns Tom that she is ugly because of people's bad behavior, but her beautiful sister, Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby, will arrive to reward good behavior. Tom is assured that bad men are punished elsewhere and that good people will protect children. The scene ends with Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid urging Tom to be good and do as he would be done by, leaving his fate uncertain.
Strengths
  • Whimsical dialogue
  • Exploration of morality and consequences
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Some repetitive dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces a new character, Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid, and delves into the moral lessons she imparts to Tom, adding depth to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of an underwater world with magical creatures and a fairy-like figure enforcing moral lessons is innovative and engaging.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Tom learns valuable lessons from Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid, setting the stage for character growth and development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique underwater world with fantastical creatures and explores moral themes in a creative and engaging way. The dialogue is fresh and imaginative, adding authenticity to the characters' actions.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid is a compelling character who adds depth to the story, while Tom's interactions with her showcase his growth and understanding.

Character Changes: 8

Tom undergoes a significant change in understanding and behavior as he learns from Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid, showcasing his growth as a character.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal is to understand the consequences of his actions and learn to be more considerate of others. This reflects his need for growth and maturity.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal is to avoid punishment from Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid for his mischievous behavior. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict in the scene is more internal, as Tom grapples with understanding right and wrong under Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid's guidance.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid serving as a formidable force against Tom's mischievous behavior. The audience is left wondering how Tom will navigate the consequences of his actions.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not life-threatening, the moral lessons and character growth have high importance in the context of the story.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new character, exploring important themes, and setting the stage for Tom's development.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected consequences of Tom's actions and the moral lessons imparted by Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the characters will react.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between right and wrong, consequences of actions, and the concept of punishment as a form of correction. It challenges Tom's beliefs about his behavior and its impact on others.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes curiosity, regret, and acceptance, engaging the audience emotionally through the characters' interactions and moral lessons.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue between Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid and Tom is whimsical, reflective, and carries important moral lessons, enhancing the scene's impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fantastical setting, moral dilemmas, and dynamic character interactions. The dialogue and actions keep the audience intrigued and invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of dialogue, action, and reflection. It maintains a rhythm that keeps the audience engaged and interested in the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is formatted correctly, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue. It adheres to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events. It maintains the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of direction and purpose. While there are elements of conflict and interaction between Tom and Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid, the overall progression of the scene feels disjointed and lacks a cohesive narrative flow.
  • The dialogue between Tom and Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid, while attempting to convey moral lessons, comes across as heavy-handed and didactic. The exchange feels forced and lacks subtlety in delivering its message.
  • The visual descriptions in the scene are limited, focusing more on the characters' interactions rather than creating a vivid and immersive setting. More attention to detail in describing the surroundings could enhance the overall atmosphere of the scene.
  • The character development of Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid and Tom feels superficial. There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into their motivations, emotions, and internal conflicts, which could have added depth to the scene.
  • The transition between different elements of the scene, such as the introduction of the Water Babies and the discussion of punishment, feels abrupt and lacks a smooth transition, leading to a disjointed narrative structure.
Suggestions
  • Focus on establishing a clear objective or conflict within the scene to drive the narrative forward and engage the audience.
  • Refine the dialogue between Tom and Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid to make it more natural and nuanced, avoiding overly didactic or preachy tones.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more immersive and vivid setting, allowing readers to fully visualize the environment and characters.
  • Develop the characters of Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid and Tom by exploring their internal struggles, desires, and growth throughout the scene.
  • Work on smoother transitions between different elements of the scene to create a more cohesive and fluid narrative flow.



Scene 26 -  A Mother's Song in the Fairy Isle
INT. ST. BRANDEN’S FAIRY ISLE - DAY

MRS. DOASYOUWOULDBEDONEBY, tall and attractive, is
surrounded by adoring Water Babies. The delighted
Water Babies dance and clap their hands.
MRS. DOASYOUWOULDBEDONEBY
(to Tom)
And who are you, you little
darling?
WATER BABY #3
Oh, that is the new baby! He
never had a Mother.
55.


MRS. DOASYOUWOULDBEDONEBY
Then I will be his Mother.

She takes Tom in her arms and whispers to him. Tom
becomes sleepy.
TOM
Don’t go away. This is so nice.
I never had any one to cuddle me
before.
WATER BABY #4
You have not sung us a song.

MRS. DOASYOUWOULDBEDONEBY
Well, I have time for only one. So
what shall it be?

WATER BABIES
The doll you lost! The doll you
lost!
MRS. DOASYOUWOULDBEDONEBY
(singing)
I once had a sweet little doll,
dears, the prettiest doll in the
world.

The Water Babies place Tom in the middle of a
circle formation and dance around him.
(MRS. DOASYOUWOULDBEDONEBY (CONT’D)
(singing)
Her cheeks were so red dears, and
her hair was so charmingly curled.

Tom dances with the Water Babies. The Crabs and Water
Snakes enter, drawn in by the song.
MRS. DOASYOUWOULDBEDONEBY (CONT’D)
(singing)
But I lost my poor little doll
dears, as I played outside one day.

Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby lifts some Water Babies into
her arms.
MRS. DOASYOUWOULDBEDONEBY (CONT’D)
(singing)
And I cried for her more than a
week, dears, but I never could
find where she lay.
56.


The Water Babies and Tom clap their hands to the rhythm
of the song. The Crabs and Water Snakes dance.
MRS. DOASYOUWOULDBEDONEBY (CONT’D)
(singing)
I found my poor little doll, dears,
as I played outside one day.

OCTOPUS swim in, their arms swinging to the beat. The
Crabs, Water Snakes and Water Babies continue to dance,
this time performing moves in unison.
MRS. DOASYOUWOULDBEDONEBY (CONT’D)
(singing)
Folks say she is terribly
changed, dears, for her paint is
all washed away. And her hair not
the least bit curled.

The Water Babies hug and kiss one another on the cheeks.
A number of Water Babies crowd around Tom, hugging him.
They overwhelm him.
MRS. DOASYOUWOULDBEDONEBY (CONT’D)
(singing)
Yet, for old sake’s sake she is
still, dears, the prettiest doll
in the world.

At the completion of the song the Water Babies
happily applaud.
MRS. DOASYOUWOULDBEDONEBY (CONT’D)
Now will you be a good boy for my
sake and torment no more sea
animals till I come back?
TOM
And you will cuddle me again?

MRS. DOASYOUWOULDBEDONEBY
Of course I will, you little duck. I
should like to take you with me,
only I cannot.

Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby kisses Tom on the forehead.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
So Tom really tried to behave and
tormented no creatures ever
again. Yet it was not enough to
keep him out of trouble.
57.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure","Musical"]

Summary Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby arrives at St. Branden’s Fairy Isle, where she is welcomed with joy by the Water Babies. She takes Tom, a new baby who has never known a mother, into her arms and sings a song about a lost doll. The Water Babies, Crabs, Water Snakes, and Octopuses dance along to the cheerful melody. As the song ends, Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby promises to return and cuddle Tom again, reassuring him with a loving touch. The scene is filled with warmth and joy, showcasing the power of kindness and the comfort of maternal love.
Strengths
  • Magical atmosphere
  • Musical performance
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Low conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a unique musical element and a strong emotional impact. The whimsical tone and magical atmosphere captivate the audience, making it a standout moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby's song and dance adds depth to the fantasy world of St. Branden's Fairy Isle. It introduces a new character with a distinct personality and provides insight into the Water Babies' culture.

Plot: 7

While the scene doesn't significantly advance the main plot, it adds richness to the world-building and character development. The interaction between Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby and Tom sets the stage for future events.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique world populated by magical creatures and explores themes of redemption and compassion in a creative and imaginative way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the authenticity of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby is a memorable character with a unique personality that contrasts with other characters in the scene. Tom's interaction with her showcases his growth and willingness to learn from his mistakes.

Character Changes: 8

Tom undergoes significant growth in the scene, moving from a mischievous Water Baby to a more empathetic and understanding character. His interaction with Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby marks a turning point in his journey.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to feel loved and cared for, as reflected in Tom's desire for cuddles and affection. This reflects his deeper need for connection and comfort, as he mentions never having anyone to cuddle him before.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to behave well and not torment sea animals, as requested by Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby. This reflects the immediate challenge of controlling his behavior and following instructions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The conflict in the scene is minimal, focusing more on character interactions and world-building. The tension arises from Tom's past actions and his desire to change for the better.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to challenge the protagonist's behavior and decisions, creating conflict and tension that drive the narrative forward. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will unfold.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on personal growth and redemption for Tom. The consequences of his actions are internalized, leading to a shift in his behavior.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene doesn't propel the main plot forward, it deepens the understanding of the characters and the world they inhabit. It sets the stage for future events and character development.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions between characters, the introduction of magical creatures, and the resolution that leaves room for further development.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of innocence, redemption, and the power of love and kindness. Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby's nurturing and caring nature challenges Tom's previous behavior of tormenting sea animals, highlighting the contrast between cruelty and compassion.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from joy and playfulness during the musical performance to reflection and growth in Tom's character arc. The sentiment of hope and redemption resonates with the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is lyrical and poetic, fitting the musical nature of Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby's performance. It adds depth to the characters and enhances the whimsical tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its magical and enchanting atmosphere, the interactions between characters, and the themes of love and redemption. The whimsical dialogue and vivid descriptions captivate the audience.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, creating emotional moments, and transitioning between dialogue and action sequences. The rhythm of the scene enhances its impact on the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear character names, dialogue, and action descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a fantasy genre, with a clear setting, character interactions, and a resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene introduces Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby in a warm and welcoming manner, but the transition from her arrival to the song about the lost doll feels a bit abrupt and could be smoother.
  • The dialogue between Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby and the Water Babies, as well as Tom, is charming and engaging, but the scene could benefit from more depth in character interactions and development.
  • The song about the lost doll adds a whimsical and magical element to the scene, but the choreography of the Water Babies and other sea creatures dancing could be more visually descriptive to enhance the enchanting atmosphere.
  • The ending of the scene, with Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby's departure and Tom's promise to behave, sets up a potential conflict or challenge for Tom to face in the future, but it could be more clearly defined to create a stronger narrative arc.
  • Overall, the scene captures a sense of wonder and fantasy, but could be strengthened by further exploring the emotional depth of the characters and their relationships.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more context to Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby's character and her relationship with Tom to deepen the emotional impact of their interactions.
  • Enhance the transitions between different elements of the scene, such as Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby's arrival, the song about the lost doll, and the interactions between the characters, to create a more cohesive and engaging narrative flow.
  • Focus on developing the choreography and visual elements of the scene to create a more immersive and enchanting experience for the audience.
  • Explore opportunities to introduce subtle hints or foreshadowing of future conflicts or challenges for Tom to face, building anticipation and intrigue for the audience.
  • Consider incorporating moments of introspection or reflection for the characters to add depth and complexity to their personalities and motivations.



Scene 27 -  The Prickly Price of Greed
EXT/INT. ST. BRANDEN’S FAIRY ISLE/SECRET ROOM -

Tom is obsessed with the sea sweets given by one of the Twin
Fairies. He has sneakily followed Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid to
discover the hiding place of the sweets.

Tom peering from the doorway into the secret room, sees
Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid taking some sweets from a mother of
pearl cabinet. Mrs. Bedonebysasyoudid magically disappears
into thin air, leaving the cabinet unattended.

INT. ST. BRANDEN’S FAIRY ISLE/SECRET ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Tom stands in front of the cabinet. The cabinet door is
unlocked, the door partially open. Tom pulls out sweets
and begins to consume them.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Some people may say, "But why
did she not keep the cupboard
locked?" It may seem a very
strange thing.

Unknown to Tom, a disappointed Mrs Bedonebyasyoudid is
watching him. Tom continues to greedily consume the sweets.

NARRATOR
(V.O.)(CONT’D) I am quite sure
that she knows best.

Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid takes off her spectacles, arches
her eyebrows. Her eyes are filled with tears.
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
(to herself)
Ah, you poor little dear! You
are just like all the rest.

INT. ST. BRANDEN’S FAIRY ISLE - DAY

It is a Friday. The Water Babies stand in a row with their
hands behind their backs. Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid is handing
out sea sweets, in an orderly fashion, one by one.

Tom, covered in prickles due to the overconsumption of the
magical sea sweets, stands before her. Mrs.
Bedonebyasyoudid looks curiously at him and offers him
sweets. Scared, Tom shakes uncontrollably from head to toe.
58.


TOM
No, I don’t want any. I can’t
bear them now.
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
I should like to cuddle you, but
I cannot. You are so prickly.
Ashamed over his deceitful behavior, Tom starts crying.

TOM
I took sea sweets from the
hiding place.
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
I will forgive you. I always
forgive everyone the moment they
tell me the truth of their own
accord.
TOM
Then you will take away all
these nasty prickles?
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
That is a very different matter.
You put them there yourself and
only you can take them away.
TOM
But how can I do that?

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
Well, I shall fetch you a teacher
who will show you how to get rid
of your prickles.
Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid clicks her fingers and disappears.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure","Children"]

Summary Tom, overcome by his craving for sea sweets, sneaks into Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid's secret hiding place and devours the treats. Witnessing his greed, Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid is saddened but ultimately forgives him. However, the next day, Tom finds himself covered in prickly thorns as a consequence of his gluttony. Confessing his theft, Tom is met with understanding, but Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid explains that only he can remove the prickles. She then summons a teacher to aid Tom in his prickly predicament, leaving the scene open for further consequences and potential learning.
Strengths
  • Strong thematic elements
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Potential predictability in moral lesson delivery

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a moral lesson in a whimsical and engaging manner, with strong emotional impact and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of truth, forgiveness, and personal responsibility is well-executed through the magical underwater world and the character interactions.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on Tom's deceitful behavior, the consequences he faces, and the introduction of a transformative teacher figure, driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as sea sweets and magical transformations. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the fantastical world created.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid and Tom, are well-developed and contribute to the moral lesson and emotional depth of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Tom undergoes a significant change as he learns the importance of truth and faces the consequences of his actions, leading to personal growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal is to overcome his deceitful behavior and seek forgiveness for his actions. This reflects his deeper need for redemption and acceptance.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal is to get rid of the prickles caused by overconsumption of sea sweets. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing due to his actions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict arises from Tom's deceitful actions and the consequences he faces, adding tension and emotional depth to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to challenge Tom's beliefs and actions, creating tension and emotional depth.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are high for Tom as he confronts the consequences of his deceitful behavior and learns valuable lessons about honesty and personal responsibility.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a moral lesson, developing character relationships, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of the moral lesson and character development, but the magical elements add an element of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between honesty and deceit. Tom's actions of stealing the sea sweets and then confessing to Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid highlight this conflict and challenge his beliefs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through themes of regret, forgiveness, and personal growth, resonating with the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the themes of truth and consequences, with impactful interactions between characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its magical elements, moral dilemma, and emotional depth. The conflict and resolution keep the audience invested.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-balanced, allowing for emotional moments to resonate and the conflict to unfold effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the standard screenplay format, making it easy to follow and visualize.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup, conflict, and resolution. It maintains the expected format for a fantasy genre.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from Tom discovering the secret room to Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid catching him consuming the sea sweets. This abrupt shift can be confusing for the audience and disrupt the flow of the scene.
  • The emotional impact of Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid's disappointment and Tom's guilt could be further emphasized to create a more poignant moment. The scene could benefit from more nuanced expressions of regret and remorse from Tom.
  • The dialogue between Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid and Tom feels a bit rushed and could be expanded upon to delve deeper into Tom's feelings of guilt and Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid's forgiveness. This would add more depth to their interaction and enhance the emotional resonance of the scene.
  • The visual elements of the scene could be enhanced to create a more vivid and immersive setting. Descriptions of the secret room, the sea sweets, and the characters' expressions and body language could be elaborated on to paint a clearer picture for the audience.
  • The narration could be utilized more effectively to provide insight into the characters' thoughts and emotions, as well as to enhance the atmosphere of the scene. This would help to engage the audience and draw them further into the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between Tom discovering the secret room and Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid catching him to improve the coherence of the scene.
  • Expand on the emotional depth of the scene by delving deeper into Tom's guilt and Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid's disappointment and forgiveness.
  • Take the time to develop the dialogue between Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid and Tom to create a more impactful and meaningful interaction.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions in the scene to create a more immersive and engaging setting for the audience.
  • Utilize the narration to provide additional context, insight, and atmosphere to enrich the scene and captivate the audience.



Scene 28 -  The Water Baby Teacher
INT. ST. BRANDEN’S FAIRY ISLE - LATER

Tom is still covered in prickles, awaiting the return of
Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid with his teacher. He is accompanied
by a Crab and a Water Snake.
CRAB
So you will be taking lessons soon.
TOM
Yes. Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid will
be returning with a teacher.
59.

WATER SNAKE
Are you looking forward to it?
TOM
Anything to get rid of these
prickles.
CRAB
They are rather unsightly.
WATER SNAKE
Hideous.

Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid arrives with the teacher. To Tom’s
amazement, he discovers the teacher to be the young girl
from the Esate...Ellie. She is now a Water Baby too.
Smaller in size, with gills around her neck and dressed in
a one piece, with the same long flowing hair.

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
There he is, and you must teach
him to be good, whether you like
it or not.
ELLIE
(begrudgingly)
I know!

Understanding Ellie’s dismay. Tom bursts into tears.
Will the prickles ever really go away?
TOM
Oh, please stay. Teach me how to be
good and help me cure my prickles.


INT. ST. BRANDEN’S FAIRY ISLE/CLASSROOM - DAY

Ellie, stands in front of the classroom blackboard. Tom’s
prickles are still present. As Ellie studies Tom, a look
of recognition flits across Ellie’s face.
ELLIE
Dear me! Why, I know you now. You
are the chimney sweep who came
into my room.
TOM
And I know you, too, now. I saw
you at the Estate.
Tom walks away from his desk and excitedly moves to Ellie.
They begin to talk to one another in an animated manner.
60.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
And they began telling each other
their stories. Then they set to work
at their lessons. They went on till
two years were past and gone.


INT. ST. BRANDEN’S FAIRY ISLE/CLASSROOM - DAY

Tom is standing at the blackboard, working out the
solution to a mathematical problem. He turns to Ellie who
is seated at the front desk, curiosity fills him.
TOM
Where do you go to when you
leave here?
ELLIE
To a very beautiful place.
TOM
Where is this place and what is
it like?
ELLIE
It is the most beautiful place in
the world. It is worth all the
rest of the world put together.
TOM
Miss Ellie, I will know why I
cannot go with you when you go or
I shall have no peace and give you
none either.
ELLIE
You must ask the fairies that.

Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid magically appears, standing next
to Ellie. She has heard all of Tom’s wishes.
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
Little boys who are only fit to
play with sea animals cannot go
there.
TOM
Why can I not go there?

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
Those who go there, must go first
where they do not like and do what
they do not like, and help
somebody they do not like.
61.

ELLIE
Tom, I did not like coming here at
first. I was afraid of you, Tom,
at first, because...
TOM
Because I had prickles? But I am
not prickly now, am I, Miss Ellie?

ELLIE
No. I like you very much now and
I like coming here, too.
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
Perhaps you will learn to like
going where you don’t like and
helping someone that you don’t
like, as Ellie has.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure","Children"]

Summary Tom, covered in prickly skin, eagerly awaits his new teacher on St. Branden's Fairy Isle. He is surprised to discover it's Ellie, the young girl he once knew, now transformed into a Water Baby. After two years of lessons, Tom becomes curious about the beautiful place Ellie visits, but learns he can't go there unless he learns to do things he doesn't like and help someone he doesn't like. Although Ellie initially disliked being at the island and feared Tom, she now enjoys it and likes him, suggesting Tom may one day learn to do the same.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Meaningful themes
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys important moral lessons and character development, creating a meaningful and engaging narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of learning to be good, facing consequences, and seeking redemption is well-developed and central to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on character growth and moral lessons, moving the story forward through meaningful interactions and dialogue.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique magical elements like Water Babies and prickles, and explores themes of personal growth and acceptance in a fantastical setting. The dialogue is authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters show depth, growth, and complexity, especially Tom and Ellie, as they navigate their personal journeys and learn important life lessons.

Character Changes: 9

Both Tom and Ellie undergo significant character development, learning important lessons and growing emotionally and morally throughout the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal is to be good and get rid of his prickles, which symbolize his desire for acceptance and transformation.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal is to learn from Ellie and Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid and understand the rules of the magical world he's in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

While there is internal conflict and tension related to the characters' growth and moral dilemmas, the scene focuses more on emotional and moral challenges rather than external conflicts.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external challenges that drive the conflict forward.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not life-threatening, the emotional and moral stakes are high for the characters as they navigate personal growth and redemption.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by developing the characters, introducing moral themes, and setting the stage for future events and character arcs.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the magical twists and turns, as well as the philosophical dilemmas faced by the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between the idea of doing what you don't like to help others and the concept of personal growth through challenges.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes empathy, reflection, and emotional resonance through the characters' struggles, growth, and interactions.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging, reflective of the characters' emotions and growth, and drives the scene's themes effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its magical elements, character dynamics, and philosophical conflicts. The dialogue is lively and the pacing keeps the audience interested.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and revealing character motivations. It keeps the audience engaged and interested in the unfolding story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a fantasy screenplay, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct settings and character interactions. It transitions smoothly between locations and dialogue sequences.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Tom awaiting the return of Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid with his teacher to Ellie's sudden appearance as the teacher, which may confuse the audience.
  • The dialogue between Tom, the Crab, and the Water Snake feels a bit forced and lacks depth, making the interaction seem superficial.
  • The emotional moment where Tom bursts into tears could be more impactful if the build-up to his realization and remorse was better developed.
  • The introduction of Ellie as the teacher feels rushed and could benefit from more context or explanation to establish her role in the scene.
  • The dialogue between Ellie and Tom lacks depth and emotional resonance, missing an opportunity to explore their connection and the significance of their interaction.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between Tom awaiting the teacher and Ellie's sudden appearance to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Tom, the Crab, and the Water Snake to make the interaction more engaging and meaningful.
  • Build up to Tom's emotional outburst by providing more context and depth to his realization and remorse, making the moment more impactful.
  • Provide more background on Ellie's role as the teacher and establish her connection to Tom to make her appearance more seamless and understandable.
  • Deepen the dialogue between Ellie and Tom to explore their relationship and the significance of their interaction, adding emotional depth to the scene.



Scene 29 -  Tom's Accusation and Ellie's Disappearance
INT. ST BRANDEN’S FAIRY ISLE - DAY

Tom sits within a cave looking forlorn. Crabs creep past
consuming debris. An Octopus teases Tom with his arms,
but he is not tempted to join in the play.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
And all the while Tom was eaten
up with curiosity to know where
Ellie went after school.

Two Water Babies swim past, and try to entice Tom into
playing with them, but he refuses to participate.

NARRATOR (V.O.)(CONT’D)
So he began to lose interest in the
sea palace and all its creatures.


INT. ST. BRANDEN’S FAIRY ISLE/CLASSROOM - DAY

Ellie is seated at a desk in the front of the classroom.
Tom is busy, writing furiously in a notebook. He looks up
at Ellie.
TOM
Well, I am so miserable here. I’ll
go, if only you will go with me.

ELLIE
I wish I might, but the Mrs.
Bedonebyasyoudid says that you
must go alone.
62.


TOM
I know what she wants me to do.
She wants me to go after that
horrid Grimes!

Tom angrily closes his notebook, and throws his
pencil across the room. Ellie is startled by Tom’s
display of anger.
ELLIE
And how do you know that?
TOM
I don’t like him. And if I find
him, he will turn me into a
chimney sweep again. That’s what I
have been afraid of all along.
ELLIE
No, he won’t. I know as much as
that. Nobody can turn Water
Babies into sweeps or hurt them.
TOM
I see what you want! You are
persuading me to go because you
are tired of me and want to get
rid of me.

Ellie begins crying. Something is terribly wrong. But
what is it?
ELLIE
Tom, Tom! Tom! Where are you?

Ellie and Tom can no longer see each other. As Ellie is
calling Tom, her voice becomes fainter and fainter, until
it is replaced by a deathly quiet. Silence.
TOM
Oh, Ellie, where are you?
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure","Drama"]

Summary Tom, trapped in the sea palace, expresses his desire to return to the human world. He accuses Ellie, now a Water Baby, of encouraging his departure to be rid of him. This accusation triggers Ellie's tears, and as she calls out to him, her voice fades and she disappears, leaving Tom alone and calling out for her.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intriguing mystery
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity in Ellie's disappearance

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a range of emotions and sets up a compelling mystery, keeping the audience engaged and eager to see how the story unfolds.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring Tom's internal struggles and the sudden disappearance of Ellie adds depth to the narrative and opens up avenues for character development.

Plot: 7

The plot thickens with Ellie's disappearance, creating tension and raising questions that drive the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique creatures and a fantastical setting, blending elements of fantasy and emotion to create a fresh and engaging narrative. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Tom's emotional turmoil and Ellie's sudden absence add complexity to their characters, making them more relatable and intriguing.

Character Changes: 7

Tom experiences a shift in his emotions and perceptions, especially towards Ellie, setting the stage for potential character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal in this scene is to understand where Ellie went after school, reflecting his curiosity and desire for connection with her.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal is to avoid being turned into a chimney sweep by Grimes, showcasing his fear and desire for self-preservation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict within Tom, his anger towards Grimes, and the mystery of Ellie's disappearance create a sense of tension and intrigue.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Tom facing internal and external conflicts that challenge his beliefs and fears, adding complexity and depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are established through Tom's emotional turmoil, his search for Ellie, and the unresolved mystery surrounding her disappearance.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new mystery and deepening the emotional stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional outbursts and mysterious disappearances, keeping the audience on edge and intrigued.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around trust and fear, as Tom struggles to trust Ellie's reassurances and fears being turned into a chimney sweep.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of sadness, confusion, and longing, drawing the audience into Tom's emotional journey.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fantastical elements, emotional conflicts, and mysterious atmosphere, drawing the reader into the characters' dilemmas and relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, creating a sense of urgency and intrigue in the characters' interactions and dilemmas.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character dialogue, enhancing readability and comprehension.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct settings and character interactions, effectively conveying the progression of the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition between Tom feeling miserable in the sea palace and suddenly being in a classroom with Ellie, which can be confusing for the audience.
  • Tom's sudden outburst of anger and accusation towards Ellie feels out of character based on the previous interactions between them, leading to a jarring shift in tone.
  • The emotional impact of Ellie crying is not fully explored or explained, leaving the audience wondering about the cause of her distress.
  • The dialogue between Tom and Ellie lacks depth and nuance, making their interaction feel superficial and lacking in emotional depth.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Ellie calling out for Tom, creating a sense of unresolved tension and leaving the audience with unanswered questions.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between Tom's feelings of misery in the sea palace and his sudden appearance in the classroom with Ellie to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Develop Tom's anger towards Ellie more gradually and provide a clearer motivation for his outburst to make his actions more believable and in line with his character.
  • Explore the reason behind Ellie's sudden distress and crying to add depth to her character and create a more emotionally resonant moment between her and Tom.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Tom and Ellie by adding layers of complexity and emotional subtext to their conversation, making their interaction more engaging and impactful.
  • Provide a more conclusive ending to the scene by resolving the tension between Tom and Ellie or hinting at the next steps in their relationship to give the audience a sense of closure.



Scene 30 -  The Journey Begins
INT. ST. BRANDEN’S FAIRY ISLE/CAVES - MOMENTS LATER

Panic stricken and confused, Tom swims amongst the rocks
and caves, desperately looking for Ellie.
TOM
Ellie! Ellie! Ellie!

But Ellie is nowhere to be found. Only the ECHOES of
Tom’s voice resounding through the caves are heard.
63.

INT. ST. BRANDEN’S FAIRY ISLE/CAVES - LATER

Despair has taken over Tom as he sits beside a pillar,
crying. Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid appears, again, seemingly
out of nowhere.
TOM
Oh dear, oh dear! I have been
naughty and I have killed Ellie.

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID Not
quite that, but I have sent her
away, and she will not come back
again for I do not know how long.

Grief is suddenly replaced by anger, and Tom glares
angrily at Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid.
TOM
How cruel of you to send Ellie
away!
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
Pooh!
TOM
However, I will find her again,
if I have to go to the World’s
End to look for her.

Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid sits on a rock, and lifts Tom onto
her lap. She holds him close.

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
You must go out now and see the
world, if you intend ever to be a
man. And you must go by yourself.

TOM
All alone?
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
As everyone else that ever was
born has to go and see with his
own eyes.
TOM
And what shall I see?

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
There are many fine things to see
in the world. What a curious
place it is, if people would only
be brave, honest and good in it.
64.

TOM
I am frightened.
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
Do not be afraid of anything you
meet, for nothing will harm you.
TOM
How do you know?

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
That my little man is a secret.
Just remember all your lessons
and do what you know is right.

Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid removes Tom from her lap, and
stands up. Tom has one final request.
TOM
Only if I might see Ellie once
before I went!
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
Why do you want that?
TOM
Because...because I should be so
much happier if I thought she had
forgiven me.

Tom’s wish is granted, and Ellie suddenly
materializes, smiling at Tom.
TOM
I am going, Ellie! I am going if
it is to the World’s End. But I
don’t like going at all.

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
Pooh! Pooh! Pooh! You will like
it very well and you know that at
the bottom of your heart.
TOM
I know I won’t.

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
But if you don’t, I will make
you like it.
TOM
Now, I am ready to be off, if
it’s to the World’s End.
65.


MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
That is a brave boy. But you must go
farther than the World’s End, if you
want to find Mr. Grimes, for he is
at the Other End of Nowhere.

TOM
Farther than the World’s End?
How can that be?

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
You must go to Shiny Wall, and
then you will come to Peacepool
and Mother Carey’s Haven.
TOM
And what should I do there?
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
And there Mother Carey will tell
you the way to the Other End of
Nowhere, where you will find Mr.
Grimes.

Tom looks confused. How will he make the journey
without knowing any of the directions?
TOM
But I do not know my way to Shiny
Wall, or where it is at all!

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
Little boys must take the trouble
to find out things for themselves,
or they will never grow to be men.

TOM
And how will I find my way?

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
You must ask all the creatures in
the sea and the birds in the air.

TOM
Well, it will be a long journey,
so I had better start at once.
(to Ellie)
Goodbye, Miss Ellie, you know I
must go out and see the world.
ELLIE
I know you must, but you will
not forget me, Tom. I shall wait
here till you come back.
66.


Ellie smiles, shakes hands with Tom and waves goodbye. Tom,
ever so determined to succeed, bravely waves farewell.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Here begins the account of the
wonderful things which Tom saw on
his journey to the Other End of
Nowhere.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Tom, devastated by Ellie's disappearance in the caves, is met by Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid who reveals she sent Ellie away and won't return for a long time. Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid encourages Tom to embrace independence and see the world, urging him to be brave, honest, and good. Despite his fear, Tom is given a sense of purpose as he receives instructions for his journey to the Other End of Nowhere, a quest to find Mr. Grimes. After a tearful goodbye to Ellie, Tom departs, ready to face the unknown, armed with the guidance of Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid and a newfound determination.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Mystical elements
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally impactful, sets up a significant journey for the protagonist, and introduces mystical elements effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of embarking on a journey of self-discovery and redemption is compelling and sets the stage for character growth.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Tom decides to leave St. Branden's Fairy Isle and sets off on a quest to find Mr. Grimes at the Other End of Nowhere.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as mystical beings, magical journeys, and moral lessons in a fantastical setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Tom's determination and Ellie's supportive nature are highlighted, setting up their dynamic for the upcoming journey.

Character Changes: 8

Tom undergoes a significant change as he decides to leave his comfort zone and seek redemption, showing growth and maturity.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal in this scene is to seek forgiveness and redemption for his actions towards Ellie. This reflects his deeper need for acceptance, love, and the desire to make amends for his mistakes.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal is to embark on a journey to find Mr. Grimes at the Other End of Nowhere. This goal reflects the immediate challenge he faces in the narrative, pushing him to venture into the unknown.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is internal conflict for Tom regarding his journey, the scene lacks external conflict, focusing more on emotional struggles.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid challenging Tom's beliefs, values, and decisions. Her mysterious nature and cryptic advice create obstacles for Tom to overcome, adding depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderately high as Tom ventures into the unknown to find Mr. Grimes and potentially face challenges along the way.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by setting up Tom's journey and introducing key elements that will drive the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' actions and decisions, leading to new challenges and revelations. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the characters will navigate the magical world.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of bravery, honesty, and goodness. Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid challenges Tom to be brave and honest in the world, emphasizing the importance of moral values in his journey.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact is high as Tom grapples with his past actions, seeks forgiveness, and prepares to embark on a challenging journey.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys emotions and motivations, especially in Tom's interactions with Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid and Ellie.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its magical and adventurous elements, emotional depth, and moral dilemmas faced by the characters. The dialogue and character interactions draw the audience into the fantastical world.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of emotional moments, dialogue exchanges, and narrative progression. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in building tension and anticipation for Tom's journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format for its genre, with clear character interactions, dialogue, and narrative progression. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The emotional turmoil and conflict between Tom and Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid are well portrayed, but could be further developed to enhance the impact of the scene.
  • The transition from despair to anger in Tom's character feels slightly abrupt and could benefit from a more gradual build-up.
  • The dialogue between Tom and Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid could be more nuanced to convey the complex emotions and motivations of the characters.
  • The visual elements of the scene, such as the caves and the interaction between Tom and Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid, could be described in more detail to create a vivid and immersive setting.
  • The resolution of Tom's conflict with Ellie and Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid feels slightly rushed and could be expanded upon to provide a more satisfying conclusion.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal monologue or reflection from Tom to show his internal struggle and conflicting emotions.
  • Gradually build up the tension and conflict between Tom and Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid to create a more impactful and emotionally resonant scene.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Tom and Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid to delve deeper into their motivations and feelings.
  • Provide more detailed descriptions of the setting and character interactions to create a more immersive and visually engaging scene.
  • Expand on the resolution of Tom's conflict with Ellie and Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid to give a more satisfying and conclusive ending to the scene.



Scene 31 -  The Lullaby of the Sea
EXT/INT. SEA - DAY
An expanse of ocean blue, vast and rolling waves....A ship
with DOLPHINS swimming in circles around it. The
DOLPHINS leap in and out of the water.
TOM
Do you know the way to Shiny Wall?
DOLPHIN #1
Haven’t got a clue what that is.
DOLPHIN #2
Sorry we can’t help you.
DOLPHIN #1
Perhaps you could ask someone else.

EXT. SHIP DECK - MOMENTS LATER

On the ship deck stands a MOTHER holding a BABY. She
softly sings a song to her child.
MOTHER
(singing)
Soft, soft wind, from out of the
sweet south sliding.

Lovingly, the Baby touches his Mother’s face. Tom
listens intently, enchanted by the song. The Dolphins
perform somersaults.
MOTHER (CONT’D)
(singing)
Thin, thin threads of mist on
dewy fingers twining, weave a
veil of dappled gauze to shade my
baby and me.
Tom and the Dolphins sway to the music.
67.


MOTHER (CONT’D)
(singing)
Deep, deep Love, within your own
abyss abiding. Pour yourself
abroad, on earth and air and sea.

The Dolphins leap in and out of the water. Tom
whistles along to the song.
MOTHER (CONT’D)
(singing)
Worn weary hearts within hiding,
shield from sorrow, and grief my
helpless baby and me.

The Baby sees Tom, smiles and holds out his hands.
Tom smiles and waves to the Mother and child.
MOTHER (CONT’D)
(to the baby)
What do you see, my darling?

The Mother follows the gaze of the Baby and sees Tom.
She shrieks.
MOTHER (CONT’D)
Babies in the sea?
The Mother waves to Tom.

MOTHER (CONT’D)
Wait a little, darling, only a
little. Perhaps we shall go with
you.
The ship disappears into the horizon.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Tom seeks directions to Shiny Wall from a group of dolphins, but they are unable to help. He then witnesses a mother singing a beautiful lullaby to her baby on a ship. The enchanting melody causes both Tom and the dolphins to sway in rhythm. The baby notices Tom, smiles, and reaches out. The mother, startled by Tom's presence, thinks he is another baby. She tells her baby they might join Tom on his journey. The ship sails away, leaving Tom alone but filled with wonder.
Strengths
  • Enchanting tone
  • Emotional depth
  • Mysterious atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Low conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is captivating, with its enchanting tone, mysterious elements, and emotional depth. It sets up a sense of wonder and curiosity that draws the audience in.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a young boy interacting with sea creatures and encountering a magical song sung by a Mother on a ship is innovative and engaging. It adds depth to the fantasy world of the story.

Plot: 7

The plot in this scene revolves around Tom's interaction with the Mother and her child, as well as the Dolphins, adding a layer of mystery and setting up potential future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique concept of communication between humans and dolphins, blending elements of fantasy and reality. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Tom and the Mother, are well-developed and evoke emotions from the audience. Their interactions and reactions add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

Tom experiences a range of emotions in the scene, from enchantment to sadness, which hints at potential character growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal is to find the way to Shiny Wall, reflecting his desire for adventure and discovery.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal is to seek help or directions to Shiny Wall, reflecting the immediate challenge he faces in navigating the ocean.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

There is a subtle conflict in the scene, primarily in Tom's desire to find the Shiny Wall and the Mother's initial shock at seeing him. However, the conflict is not central to the scene.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with the challenge of finding directions to Shiny Wall adding tension and uncertainty to the story.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on emotional and thematic elements rather than high-stakes action or conflict.

Story Forward: 6

The scene introduces new elements and characters, setting the stage for future developments in the story. It moves the narrative forward by expanding the world of the Water Babies.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected communication between humans and dolphins, adding a sense of mystery and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict is evident in the communication between humans and dolphins, challenging the beliefs and values of both species.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of wonder, curiosity, and melancholy, drawing the audience into the emotional journey of the characters.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but impactful, with the Mother's song and Tom's interactions with the Dolphins conveying emotion and setting the tone for the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, unique concept, and lyrical dialogue, drawing the audience into the mystical world of the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing moments of emotional resonance and character development to unfold naturally.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from Tom asking the dolphins for directions to the ship deck where the mother and baby are singing. A smoother transition would help the scene flow better.
  • The dialogue between Tom and the dolphins feels a bit abrupt and could benefit from more context or interaction to make it more engaging.
  • The song sung by the mother is beautiful and adds a nice touch to the scene, but it could be more integrated into the overall narrative to enhance its impact.
  • The visual imagery of the dolphins performing somersaults and Tom swaying to the music is vivid and engaging, creating a nice visual contrast to the vast ocean.
  • The sudden disappearance of the ship into the horizon feels a bit abrupt and could be better connected to the next scene for a smoother transition.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief transition scene between Tom talking to the dolphins and arriving at the ship deck to create a smoother flow.
  • Expand on the interaction between Tom and the dolphins to make it more dynamic and engaging for the audience.
  • Integrate the song sung by the mother more seamlessly into the narrative to enhance its emotional impact on the audience.
  • Continue to use vivid visual imagery like the dolphins performing somersaults to create a captivating visual experience for the audience.
  • Provide a clearer connection between the ship disappearing into the horizon and the next scene to ensure a seamless transition.



Scene 32 -  The King's Cryptic Advice
INT. SEA/HERRING KINGDOM - DAY

The extravagant Herring Kingdom, all gold gilded furnishings
and edges. The castle is dripping in opulence....The KING OF
THE HERRINGS sits on a throne, with a spectacular crown
on his head. Perhaps now, Tom will find out the
directions he so desperately needs.
TOM
Your Royal Highness do you know
the directions to The Shiny Wall?
KING OF THE HERRINGS
No...If I were you, young
gentleman, I should go to the
(MORE)
68.


KING OF THE HERRINGS (CONT’D)
Allalonestone, and ask the last of
the Gairfowls.
TOM
And who is this Gairfowl?
KING OF THE HERRINGS
She is of a very ancient clan, very
nearly as ancient as my own.

A HERRING SERVANT enters and hands the King of the
Herrings a silver goblet filled with wine. The King Of
Herrings irritatingly waves the servant away.
TOM
How could she possibly help me?
KING OF THE HERRINGS
She knows a good deal what these
modern upstarts don’t.
TOM
Thank you.

Tom is about to leave when the King of the Herrings
calls out to him.
KING OF THE HERRINGS
I say, can you fly?
TOM
No.
KING OF THE HERRINGS
Because, if you can, I should
advise you to say nothing to the
old lady about it.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Tom, seeking directions to the Shiny Wall, visits the arrogant King of the Herrings in his opulent kingdom. The King, while clueless about the directions, suggests Tom consult the Gairfowl, an ancient clan known for their wisdom. He warns Tom to keep his ability to fly a secret from them, adding a layer of mystery to the encounter.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Introduction of new setting and character
  • Setting up a new quest for the protagonist
Weaknesses
  • Lack of intense conflict or emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces a new setting and character, setting up a new quest for the protagonist. The dialogue is engaging and adds depth to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of seeking out the Gairfowl for directions adds a new element to the plot, increasing the sense of adventure and mystery.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Tom receives advice from the King of the Herrings and is directed towards a new quest, adding complexity and depth to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as the Herring Kingdom and ancient clans, adding freshness to the familiar quest narrative. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic within the fantastical world.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The King of the Herrings is introduced as a regal and mysterious character, adding depth to the cast of characters.

Character Changes: 5

Tom receives advice and guidance from the King of the Herrings, setting him on a new path, but there is no significant character change in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal is to find the directions to The Shiny Wall, reflecting his desire for guidance and knowledge.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal is to seek out the last of the Gairfowls for directions, reflecting the immediate challenge he faces in finding the information he needs.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

There is a mild conflict in Tom seeking directions and the King of the Herrings advising him cautiously, but the tension is not high.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and obstacles for Tom, adding suspense and uncertainty to the narrative.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate as Tom seeks directions for his journey, but the sense of urgency or danger is not high.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new quest for Tom and setting up the next stage of his journey.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the introduction of the Gairfowl and the King of the Herrings' cryptic advice, leaving the audience unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict lies in the contrast between ancient wisdom and modern knowledge, as represented by the King of the Herrings and the Gairfowl. This challenges Tom's beliefs and values about seeking guidance.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The emotional impact is moderate as Tom receives advice and prepares for a new quest, but there are no intense emotional moments.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between Tom and the King of the Herrings is engaging and sets up a new quest for the protagonist, adding intrigue to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its fantastical setting, mysterious dialogue, and the quest for directions, keeping the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest, with a good balance of dialogue and action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings and dialogue format.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a fantasy genre, with clear character interactions and progression of the quest narrative.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension, considering Tom's desperate need for directions to The Shiny Wall. The opulence of the Herring Kingdom could be used to create a more visually striking and immersive setting.
  • The dialogue between Tom and the King of the Herrings feels somewhat flat and lacks depth. There is an opportunity to add more intrigue and mystery to the conversation, especially regarding the Gairfowl and her ancient knowledge.
  • The interaction with the Herring Servant could be more dynamic and add to the overall atmosphere of the scene.
  • The King of the Herrings' question about flying seems out of place and disconnected from the rest of the conversation. It could be integrated more smoothly into the dialogue to make it feel more relevant.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues to enhance the opulence of the Herring Kingdom and create a more immersive experience for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more tension and urgency to the scene by emphasizing Tom's desperation for directions to The Shiny Wall.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Tom and the King of the Herrings to add depth and intrigue, especially regarding the Gairfowl and her ancient knowledge.
  • Make the interaction with the Herring Servant more dynamic to contribute to the overall atmosphere of the scene.
  • Integrate the King of the Herrings' question about flying more smoothly into the dialogue to make it feel more relevant and connected to the conversation.
  • Add more visual cues to enhance the opulence of the Herring Kingdom and create a more immersive experience for the audience.



Scene 33 -  The Lonely Gairfowl
EXT. ALLALONESTONE - DAY

Close up of the face of the GAIRFOWL, an old lady bird
creature. The camera pulls back to reveal the Gairfowl,
with a black velvet gown and spectacles, standing on a
rock. Instead of wings she has two little feathery arms.
GAIRFOWL
(singing and dancing) Two
little birds they sat on a stone.
One swam away and then there was
one. With a fal-lal-la-lady.
69.

The Gairfowl ignores Tom, too self absorbed in her song
and dance.
GAIRFOWL (CONT’D)
(singing and dancing)
The other swam after and then
there was none. And so the poor
stone was left all alone. With a
fal-lal-la-lady.

Tom bows before her. The Gairfowl peers at Tom over
her spectacles.
GAIRFOWL (CONT’D)
Have you wings? Can you fly?
TOM
Oh dear, no, ma’am. I should not
think of such a thing.
GAIRFOWL
Then I shall have great pleasure
in talking to you, my dear.
TOM
Likewise.
GAIRFOWL
(fanning herself)
It is quite refreshing nowadays
to see anything without wings.
Tom tries to talk but he cannot get a word in.
GAIRFOWL (CONT’D)
They must all have wings now,
every new upstart sort of bird.

The Gairfowl stretches out her short feathery arms,
looking each arm over in turn.
GAIRFOWL (CONT’D)
What can they want with flying
and raising themselves above
their proper station in life?
TOM
I’m sure I don’t know.
GAIRFOWL
(waving her arms wildly) In
the days of my ancestors, no
birds ever thought of having
wings and did very well without.
70.


TOM
I would imagine so.
GAIRFOWL
And now they all laugh at me
because I keep to the good old
fashioned ways.
TOM
Do you know the way to Shiny Wall?
GAIRFOWL
Shiny Wall? Who should know
better than I?
The Gairfowl glances in a mirror and adjusts her gown.
TOM
Have you been there?
GAIRFOWL
We all came from Shiny Wall
thousands of years ago.
TOM
What would be the way to Shiny
Wall?
GAIRFOWL
(ignoring Tom)
But now, what with these vulgar
winged things, gentle folk’s lives
are all spoiled, and one can
hardly venture off the rock.
TOM
Why can’t you leave the rock?
GAIRFOWL
Why for fear of being flown
against by some creature...what
was I saying?

The Gairfowl looks admiringly into the mirror, and
preens herself.
GAIRFOWL (CONT’D)
I am the last of my family.
TOM
You are alone like me.
71.


GAIRFOWL
We came and settled on this rock
many years ago. But men shot us.
The Gairfowl imitates men shooting guns.
GAIRFOWL (CONT’D)
And knocked us on the head and took
our eggs...but what was I saying?

TOM
I forgot.
GAIRFOWL
At last, there were none of us
left except on Gairfowlskerry,
which no man could climb. Even
there we had no peace.
TOM
No peace? What happened?
GAIRFOWL
For one day, the land rocked, the
sea boiled, and down tumbled the
old Gairfowlskerry into the sea.

The Gairfowl tumbles into the water and then returns
to perch upon the rock.
GAIRFOWL (CONT’D)
The other birds of course, all flew
away. But we were too proud to do
that. Some of us were smashed to
pieces and others drowned.

TOM
How awful!
GAIRFOWL
I am told that another
Gairfowlskerry has risen out of
the sea close to the old one.
TOM
Perhaps you could return there?
GAIRFOWL
Oh no! It is such a poor flat
place that it is not safe to live
on. And so here I am left alone.
72.


TOM
If you only had wings, then you
might all have flown away, too.
The Gairfowl laughs bitterly.
GAIRFOWL
Yes, young gentleman. And with
such hindsight I should not have
been all alone now.
TOM
How is that, ma’am?
GAIRFOWL
Why, a gentleman came here and
after some time, he wanted to
marry me.
TOM
How wonderful!
GAIRFOWL
Well, I can’t blame him, I was
young and very handsome then, I
don’t deny.
TOM
You still are.

The Gairfowl looks at herself in the mirror, admiring
her image, and nodding in agreement.
GAIRFOWL
But you see, I could not hear of
such a thing because he was my
deceased sister’s husband, you see?

TOM
Of course not, ma’am. She was
very much diseased, I suppose?
GAIRFOWL
You do not understand me, my dear.

The Gairfowl accidentally falls into the water. She
gathers herself and then returns to the rock.
GAIRFOWL (CONT’D)
I mean that, being a lady, I felt
it my duty to snub him, and to
keep him at his proper distance.
73.

TOM
You did what you had to do. But
please which is the way to Shiny
Wall?
GAIRFOWL
I once pecked him a little too
hard. He tumbled backwards off
the rock, and really, it was very
unfortunate.
TOM
What was unfortunate?
GAIRFOWL
It was not my fault. A shark coming
by saw him and snapped him up.

TOM
Oh dear!
GAIRFOWL
Since then I have lived all alone.
The Gairfowl cries tears of oil.
TOM
I know what it is to be all
alone in the world.
GAIRFOWL
(crying)
And soon I shall be gone, and
nobody will miss me, and then the
poor stone will be left all alone.

TOM
But please, which is the way to
Shiny Wall?
GAIRFOWL
Oh, you must go, my little dear,
you must go.
TOM
Yes, I must.
GAIRFOWL
Let me see, I am sure...my poor old
brains are getting quite puzzled.

Tom is exasperated. He is unable to get the directions
from the Gairfowl to Shiny Wall.
74.


TOM
Please, I must know. I have to
reach Shiny Wall soon.
GAIRFOWL
Do you know, my little dear, I am
afraid, if you want to know, you
must ask some of these vulgar
birds, for I have quite forgotten.

A FLOCK of Mother Carey’s invented CHICKENS fly past.
TOM
(shouting)
Do you know the way to Shiny Wall?

MOTHER CAREY’S CHICKEN
#1 Shiny Wall? Do you want Shiny
Wall? Then come with us and we
will show you.

MOTHER CAREY’S CHICKEN
#2 We are Mother Carey’s own
invented chickens and she sends us
out over all the seas.
Tom bows to farewell the Gairfowl.
GAIRFOWL
(singing)
And so the poor stone was left all
alone. With a fal-lal la-lady.

Tom swims to the flock of Mother Carey’s Invented Chickens.

MOTHER CAREY’S CHICKEN #1
First, we must go to Allfowlsness
and wait there for the great
gathering of all the birds.

MOTHER CAREY’S CHICKEN
#2 There we will be sure to find
some birds which are going to
Shiny Wall.

MOTHER CAREY’S CHICKEN #1
But you must promise, that you will
not tell anyone about Allfowlsness.

TOM
I won’t. But why?
75.


MOTHER CAREY’S CHICKEN
#1 So that people do not go there
and shoot the birds.

Tom climbs onto Mother Carey’s Chicken’s #1 back. They
fly through the sky in the direction of Allfowlsness.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Tom encounters the Gairfowl, the last of her kind, who is lonely and reminisces about her family's history. Unable to provide him with directions to Shiny Wall, Tom leaves and finds a new guide in a flock of Mother Carey’s Invented Chickens who promise to take him there.
Strengths
  • Unique and engaging characters
  • Whimsical dialogue
  • Emotional depth and reflection
Weaknesses
  • Lack of direct conflict
  • Some dialogue may be overly verbose

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a sense of melancholy and reflection through the Gairfowl's story, engaging dialogue, and introduction of new fantastical elements. The whimsical tone and unique characters enhance the overall storytelling.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the last Gairfowl and her tragic history adds depth to the fantasy world of the story. The introduction of Mother Carey's Invented Chickens expands the fantastical elements and sets up further adventures for the protagonist.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Tom seeks directions to Shiny Wall from the Gairfowl, introducing new challenges and obstacles for the protagonist. The scene sets up future encounters and developments in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene is highly original, with unique characters, dialogue, and world-building elements. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The Gairfowl is a standout character with a unique personality and backstory that adds emotional depth to the scene. Tom's interactions with the Gairfowl and Mother Carey's Invented Chickens showcase his curiosity and determination.

Character Changes: 7

The Gairfowl's emotional journey and revelation of her past experiences contribute to character development and growth. Tom's interactions with the Gairfowl also showcase his empathy and understanding.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to find a way to Shiny Wall, reflecting a desire for exploration, adventure, and perhaps a sense of purpose or belonging.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to get directions to Shiny Wall, reflecting the immediate challenge of navigating the world and finding his way.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is no direct conflict in the scene, the emotional conflict and internal struggles of the characters, particularly the Gairfowl, create tension and intrigue.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the Gairfowl's reluctance to give directions creates tension and obstacles for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not explicitly high in this scene, the emotional weight of the Gairfowl's story and Tom's quest for directions to Shiny Wall add significance to the narrative.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements, challenges, and characters that will impact Tom's journey to Shiny Wall. It sets up future developments and adventures for the protagonist.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the quirky characters and unexpected twists in the dialogue, such as the Gairfowl's tragic backstory and the introduction of Mother Carey's Invented Chickens.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between tradition and progress, as represented by the Gairfowl's adherence to 'good old fashioned ways' and disdain for 'vulgar winged things'. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about exploration and change.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of sadness and reflection through the Gairfowl's story, resonating with themes of loss and isolation. Tom's empathy towards the Gairfowl adds emotional depth to the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between Tom and the Gairfowl is engaging and whimsical, capturing the essence of the fantasy world and the character's personalities. The Gairfowl's storytelling adds emotional weight to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its unique characters, whimsical dialogue, and the mystery surrounding Shiny Wall. The interactions between the Gairfowl and Tom add depth to the narrative.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective, with a good balance of dialogue, action, and character development that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a beginning, middle, and end, and the dialogue and actions flow naturally.


Critique
  • The scene with the Gairfowl feels a bit disjointed and lacks a clear focus. The Gairfowl's self-absorption in her song and dance detracts from the urgency of Tom's quest for directions to Shiny Wall.
  • The dialogue between Tom and the Gairfowl is repetitive and meandering, making it difficult to follow the main plot point of Tom seeking directions.
  • The Gairfowl's backstory about her family being hunted to extinction and her deceased sister's husband adds unnecessary complexity to the scene and distracts from the main objective of Tom's journey.
  • The Gairfowl's constant interruptions and self-centeredness make it challenging for Tom to get the information he needs, leading to a frustrating and unproductive interaction.
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or payoff, leaving the audience feeling unsatisfied with the outcome of Tom's encounter with the Gairfowl.
Suggestions
  • Streamline the dialogue between Tom and the Gairfowl to focus on the main plot point of Tom seeking directions to Shiny Wall.
  • Reduce the Gairfowl's self-absorbed behavior and tangential storytelling to create a more concise and purposeful interaction with Tom.
  • Clarify the Gairfowl's role in providing directions to Shiny Wall and ensure that the scene progresses towards a clear resolution.
  • Consider simplifying the Gairfowl's backstory to maintain the scene's focus on Tom's quest and avoid unnecessary distractions.
  • Add more urgency and tension to the scene by emphasizing the importance of Tom obtaining the directions to Shiny Wall and heightening the stakes of his journey.



Scene 34 -  A New Ally: The Mollymawks
EXT. ALLFOWLSNESS - DAY

On the shore of Allfowlsness there are hundreds of BIRDS,
CHIRPING, QUACKING, and making a CACOPHONY of noise.
Swans, ducks, pelicans, crows, eagles, hawks, and swans
have gathered along the shore.

Mother Carey’s Chickens with Tom, fly in, and land on
the shore.

MOTHER CAREY’S CHICKEN
#2 Would anyone here going to
Shiny Wall, be willing to take
this one here, there with them?
BIRD #1
I am going to Spain.
BIRD #2
I’m flying to Canada.
BIRD #3
I am making my way to Japan.
BIRD #4
If only I could help you, but
I’m traveling to China.
BIRD #5
Italy.
BIRD #6
Australia.

MOTHER CAREY’S CHICKEN
#1 We will show you part of the
way, but we are only going as far
as Jan Mayen’s Land.

MOTHER CAREY’S CHICKEN
#2 After that, you’ll have to fend
for yourself.
76.


EXT. SKY - DAY

Mother Carey’s Chickens with Tom, fly across the bright
blue sky. In the distance, they spot a shipwreck.

EXT. SHIP DECK - MOMENTS LATER

Mother Carey’s Chickens leave Tom on the ship deck. It is
the same ship Tom saw earlier. As the birds look for
food, Tom spots a little cot. In it, the Baby, sleeps.

Tom nears the cot, but a small DOG appears and barks
aggressively at him, keeping Tom at bay. A huge sea wave
crashes onto the deck. The Baby and Dog are washed
overboard into the sea.
TOM
Oh, the baby, the baby!

EXT. SEA - CONTINUOUS

The Water Fairies arrive and magically turn the dog into a
WATER DOG. The Water Dog dances, and BARKS at the
JELLYFISH and MACKEREL. The Water Fairies take the Baby
away. Tom, aghast, looks on from the ship deck.

EXT. JAN MAYEN’S LAND - DAY

Mother Carey’s Chickens, Tom and the Water Dog, arrive
at Jan Mayen’s land, which is a rocky, and volcanic
island terrain. They land on the shore.

On the shore, A FLOCK of MOLLYMAWKS are busily eating a
dead whale. Tom and the Water Dog alight off Mother Carey’s
Chickens.

MOTHER CAREY’S CHICKEN
#1 These are the birds to show you
the way. We cannot help you
farther North.

MOTHER CAREY’S CHICKEN
#2 We don’t like to get among the
ice pack. But the mollies dare fly
anywhere.
MOTHER CAREY’S CHICKEN #1
Come, come, you lazy, greedy
lubbers.
77.


MOTHER CAREY’S CHICKEN
#2 This young gentleman is going
to Mother Carey.

MOTHER CAREY’S CHICKEN #1
And if you don’t attend to him, you
won’t earn your discharge from her.

MOLLYMAWK #2
Greedy we are, but lazy we ain’t.
MOLLYMAWK #1
And, as for lubbers, we’re no more
lubbers than you. Let’s have a
look at the kid.

Mollymawk #1 flies into Tom’s face and closely
scrutinizes him. After a few moments, satisfied by what
he sees, he addresses the other Mollymawks.

MOLLYMAWK #1 (CONT’D)
Come along. We’ve eaten enough
blubber for today. We will work
out a bit of our time by helping
the kid.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Tom arrives at Jan Mayen's Land, a volcanic island, with the Mother Carey's Chickens and the Water Dog. They encounter a flock of Mollymawks feasting on a dead whale. The Mother Carey's Chickens explain that they can't go further north, but the Mollymawks, after examining Tom, agree to guide him towards Mother Carey's.
Strengths
  • Rich world-building
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Limited focus on direct conflict
  • Some elements may be too fantastical for some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, filled with magical elements, and sets up an intriguing journey for the protagonist. The mix of tones and sentiments adds depth to the storytelling.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a young boy embarking on a fantastical journey with the help of mystical creatures is captivating. The introduction of unique beings like Mother Carey's Chickens and Mollymawks adds richness to the world-building.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Tom seeks guidance from various creatures to reach his destination. The introduction of the shipwreck and the interaction with the baby and water dog add layers to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique blend of bird species, magical creatures, and fantastical elements, creating an original and imaginative setting. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and contribute to the scene's authenticity.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, especially Tom and the mystical creatures, are intriguing and play essential roles in guiding the story forward. The emotional depth of the characters adds to the scene's impact.

Character Changes: 7

Tom undergoes a transformation as he navigates the challenges and encounters new beings on his journey. His interactions with the creatures and the emotional depth he experiences contribute to his character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect the baby and ensure its safety. This reflects Tom's caring nature and sense of responsibility.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to reach Mother Carey's Chickens and continue his journey. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of navigating through different locations and obstacles.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is a sense of conflict in Tom's journey and the obstacles he faces, the scene focuses more on the fantastical elements and the protagonist's quest for guidance.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene, such as the aggressive dog and the sea wave, creates tension and uncertainty, adding to the suspense and drama.

High Stakes: 7

While the stakes are not explicitly high in this scene, the emotional and thematic depth, as well as the protagonist's journey towards self-discovery, add significance to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward as Tom seeks guidance and embarks on a new leg of his journey. The introduction of new characters and obstacles sets the stage for further development.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected events, such as the transformation of the dog into a Water Dog and the rescue of the baby by the Water Fairies.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the idea of helping others and the limitations of individual capabilities. Tom wants to help the baby, but he is faced with obstacles that prevent him from doing so.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from hope and curiosity to melancholy and wonder. The interactions between the characters and the mystical setting contribute to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue between the birds, Tom, and the other creatures is whimsical and serves to move the plot forward. It captures the essence of the fantastical world depicted in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of nature, magic, and adventure, as well as the suspenseful moments and character interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of action, dialogue, and description that keeps the audience engaged and interested.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for its genre, making it easy to visualize and understand.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions, contributing to the overall narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition between the different locations, making it feel disjointed and abrupt.
  • The dialogue between the birds and Mother Carey's Chickens feels forced and unnatural, lacking depth and authenticity.
  • The introduction of the Baby and the Dog on the ship deck feels random and disconnected from the rest of the scene.
  • The transformation of the Dog into a Water Dog by the Water Fairies is sudden and lacks proper explanation or context.
  • The interaction between Tom, the Water Dog, and the Mollymawks is rushed and lacks emotional depth or development.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between locations to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Work on developing more natural and engaging dialogue for the interactions between the birds and characters.
  • Provide more context and build-up to the introduction of the Baby and the Dog on the ship deck to make their presence more meaningful.
  • Expand on the transformation of the Dog into a Water Dog to make it more believable and impactful.
  • Focus on building stronger emotional connections and interactions between Tom, the Water Dog, and the Mollymawks to create a more engaging and immersive scene.



Scene 35 -  The Mollymawks' Redemption
EXT. THE SKY - DAY

The Mollymawks fly across the sky with Tom and the Water
Dog on their backs. It is a sunny, light filled day. Tom,
is curious about his guides.
TOM
Who are you, you jolly birds?
MOLLYMAWK #1
We are the spirits of the old
skippers who hunted whales
hundreds of years ago.
MOLLYMAWK #2
But because we were greedy, we
were all turned into mollies, to
eat whale’s blubber all our days.
MOLLYMAWK #1
But lubbers we are none and could
sail a ship now against any man
in the seas.
78.

MOLLYMAWK #2
And it’s a shame of those imps
to call us so.
MOLLYMAWK #1
But because they’re Mother
Carey’s pets, they think they may
say anything they like.
TOM
And what is your name?
MOLLYMAWK #1
My name is Hendrick Hudson, and a
right good skipper was I. And my
name will last to the world’s end,
in spite of all the wrong I did.

They fly over giant icebergs. There are shipwrecks
amongst the icebergs.
TOM
And what wrong did you commit?
MOLLYMAWK #1
I was a hard man in my time. I
was so cruel to my sailors, that
they set me adrift in a boat.
MOLLYMAWK #2
So now he is the King of all
Mollies, till he works out his
time.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Tom, a Water Dog, flies with two Mollymawks, spirits of greedy sea captains turned into birds. They reveal they were once cruel to their sailors and are now punished by Mother Carey's imps and forced to eat whale blubber until they atone. Hendrick Hudson, the King of the Mollies, explains he was abandoned by his crew and is now seeking redemption. The scene ends with the Mollymawks deciding to continue helping Tom, showcasing their commitment to their atonement.
Strengths
  • Rich world-building
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited action
  • Some exposition-heavy dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces new elements, provides backstory, and sets up the next stage of the journey. The dialogue is engaging and reveals important character motivations.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of spirits of old skippers turned into birds is unique and adds depth to the world-building. The idea of redemption and learning from past mistakes is a strong thematic element.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Tom seeks guidance from the Mollymawks and learns about their history. It sets up the next phase of his journey towards Mother Carey's.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique world with fantastical elements like Mollymawks and giant icebergs. The characters' backstory and the themes of redemption and forgiveness add depth and authenticity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The Mollymawks are intriguing characters with a rich backstory that adds layers to the narrative. Tom's curiosity and willingness to learn are highlighted in this scene.

Character Changes: 6

While Tom doesn't undergo significant change in this scene, he gains valuable insights from the Mollymawks' story, which may impact his future decisions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist, Tom, seems to be seeking knowledge and understanding about the spirits guiding him. His internal goal reflects a desire for connection and insight into the past.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to learn about the spirits guiding him and the history of the world he is in. This goal reflects his immediate circumstances of being in a new and unfamiliar environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

There is a mild conflict in terms of the Mollymawks' past actions and their current state as spirits, but it is more reflective than intense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the Mollymawks' backstory and transformation present a challenge to the protagonist's beliefs and understanding of the world.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate as Tom seeks guidance for his journey, but the emotional weight of the Mollymawks' past adds depth to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by providing crucial information about the next steps in Tom's journey and introducing new mystical elements.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist of the Mollymawks' backstory and their transformation into birds. The revelation adds a layer of complexity and intrigue to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around themes of redemption, forgiveness, and the consequences of past actions. The Mollymawks' transformation and their need to work out their time serve as a reflection of these themes, challenging the protagonist's beliefs about morality and second chances.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of nostalgia and reflection, especially through the Mollymawks' backstory and Tom's journey of self-discovery.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue between Tom and the Mollymawks reveals important information about their past and motivations. It also showcases Tom's inquisitive nature.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fantastical elements, poetic dialogue, and thematic depth. The mystery surrounding the Mollymawks and their backstory keeps the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and intrigue, with a balance of dialogue and narrative description that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a fantasy genre, introducing the world, characters, and conflict in a clear and engaging manner.


Critique
  • The scene introduces the Mollymawks as spirits of old skippers turned into birds for their greed, which is an interesting concept but could be further developed to add depth to their characters.
  • The dialogue between Tom and the Mollymawks provides exposition about their past actions and current predicament, but it feels slightly expository and could be more engaging.
  • The transition from the Mollymawks discussing their past to flying over giant icebergs with shipwrecks is a bit abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the imagery of flying across the sky with the Mollymawks and the surroundings of giant icebergs and shipwrecks.
  • There is potential to delve deeper into the emotional journey of the Mollymawks as they reflect on their past actions and current state as spirits, adding a layer of complexity to their characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more depth to the Mollymawks' characters by exploring their emotions and motivations further.
  • Work on making the dialogue between Tom and the Mollymawks more engaging and natural, avoiding overly expository language.
  • Smooth out the transition between different elements of the scene to maintain a cohesive narrative flow.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a vivid and immersive setting for the scene.
  • Explore the emotional arc of the Mollymawks to add complexity and depth to their characters.



Scene 36 -  Mother Carey's Haven
EXT/INT. THE SHINY WALL - DAY

Arriving at the Shiny Wall...the Water Dog and Tom
alight from the Mollymawks. Tom looks around but cannot
see the Shiny Wall. He is confused.
TOM
And where is the Shiny Wall?
MOLLYMAWK #2
Down there.
TOM
What am I to do?
MOLLYMAWK #1
Dive under the flow, to be sure,
if you have courage.
79.


TOM
I’ve not come so far to turn
back now, so here goes.
MOLLYMAWK #2
A lucky voyage to you! We knew
you were one of the right sort.
So goodbye.
TOM
Why don’t you come, too?
MOLLYMAWK #1
We can’t go yet! We can’t go yet!

Tom and the Water Dog dive down under the water towards
the Shiny Wall.

INT. BOTTOM OF THE SEA - MOMENTS LATER
Tom and the Water Dog swim in the lower depths of the sea.
Vast and deep expanse of blue.

INT. MOTHER CAREY’S HAVEN - DAY

Tom and the Water Dog surface at Mother Carey’s Haven. A
large town, carved from ice. An enormous pool, sits in
the middle of the town. This is Peacepool.

There are a number of WHALES in Peacepool. Tom
approaches one whale.
TOM
Which is the way to Mother Carey?
WHALE
There she sits in the middle.

Tom can only see an iceberg in the middle of the pool.
He looks puzzled. The whale notices Tom’s confusion.
WHALE
That’s Mother Carey, as you will
find when you get to her. There
she sits making old creatures into
new all year round.
TOM
How does she do that?
80.


WHALE
That’s her concern, not mine.
The Whale yawns so wide that JELLY FISH swim into his mouth.

TOM
I suppose she cuts up a great whale
like you into a group of porpoises?

The Whale LAUGHS so hard that the grateful jelly fish
are expelled from his mouth.

Tom approaches the iceberg. He sees that it is a lady made of
marble, sitting on a marble throne. From the feet of the
throne, newborn CREATURES made from sea water swim away.

MOTHER CAREY, a very old lady, sits on a throne with
her chin in her hand, looking down at Tom with two big
blue eyes.
MOTHER CAREY
What do you want, my child? It is
long since I have seen a
Waterbaby here.
Tom bows solemnly before Mother Carey.
TOM
I need to get to the Other End of
Nowhere. How do I reach it?
MOTHER CAREY
You ought to know yourself, for
you have been there already.
TOM
Have I? I’m sure I forgot all
about it.
MOTHER CAREY
Then look at me.

Tom looks into her big blue eyes, he recalls the
directions to The Other End of Nowhere.
TOM
Thank you. Then I won’t trouble you
anymore. I hear you are very busy.

MOTHER CAREY
I am never more busy than I am now.
81.


TOM
I heard, that you are always
making new animals out of old.
MOTHER CAREY
(laughs)
Some may fancy. But I am not going
to trouble myself to make things.
I sit here and make them make
themselves.
TOM
You are a clever fairy, indeed.
MOTHER CAREY
(laughs)
Know, silly child, that anyone can
make things, if they will take
time and trouble enough.
TOM
You mean, me too?
MOTHER CAREY
But it is not everyone who, like
me, can make things make
themselves.
TOM
I would like to know how to do
that.
MOTHER CAREY
And now, you are sure you know the
way to the Other End of Nowhere?

Tom suddenly finds himself dumbfounded. He has forgotten
the directions. Tom shakes his head.
MOTHER CAREY
That is because you took your
eyes off me.

Tom looks into Mother Carey’s eyes and recalls how to
reach The Other End of Nowhere. As he looks away from her,
he forgets the directions.
TOM
But what am I to do? For I can’t
keep looking at you.
82.


MOTHER CAREY
You must do without me, as most
people have to do, for most of
their lives.
Tom is bewildered by his dilemma. What is he to do?
TOM
Who will guide the way?
MOTHER CAREY
Look at the dog instead, for he
knows the way well enough and
will not forget it.

Mother Carey places a necklace around Tom’s neck. Tom
gingerly touches it. He has never been given such a
fine gift before.
TOM
And what is this for?
MOTHER CAREY
You may meet some ill-tempered
people, who will not let you pass
without this passport of mine.

TOM
Thank you.
MOTHER CAREY
Especially keep your eye on the
dog, who goes by instinct and
therefore can’t go wrong.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
And so, Tom and the Water Dog
set forth and visited many
strange places on their way to
The Other End of Nowhere. A few
of these places you will now see
for yourself....
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Tom and the Water Dog arrive at the Shiny Wall, dive into the ocean, and surface at Mother Carey's Haven, a town carved from ice. They encounter a whale who guides them to Mother Carey, a marble statue creating creatures from seawater. Mother Carey grants Tom a necklace and instructs him to follow the Water Dog to The Other End of Nowhere. Tom initially forgets the directions but remembers them by looking into Mother Carey's eyes. Equipped with the necklace and the Water Dog's guidance, Tom and his companion embark on their journey.
Strengths
  • Mystical setting
  • Thematic depth
  • Character development
  • Reflective dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential confusion for the audience regarding the mystical elements introduced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is captivating, introducing a new and intriguing location with significant character interactions and thematic depth.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of seeking guidance from Mother Carey, a mystical figure, and the importance of paying attention to receive directions is well-executed and adds depth to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Tom seeks directions to The Other End of Nowhere, introducing new challenges and mystical elements.

Originality: 9

The scene is highly original with its fantastical creatures, underwater world, and the concept of Mother Carey turning old creatures into new ones. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic within this fantastical setting.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Mother Carey and Tom, are well-developed and contribute to the scene's depth and thematic exploration.

Character Changes: 7

Tom experiences growth and self-realization as he seeks guidance and learns the importance of attention.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal is to find his way to the Other End of Nowhere. This reflects his desire for adventure, discovery, and self-discovery.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal is to reach Mother Carey and get directions to the Other End of Nowhere. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in navigating this fantastical world.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is more internal and reflective in this scene, focusing on Tom's journey and self-discovery.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from Tom's own forgetfulness and the challenges he faces in navigating the fantastical world. The audience is unsure of how he will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Tom as he seeks directions to The Other End of Nowhere, facing challenges and seeking guidance.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and advancing Tom's journey.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected creatures, interactions, and revelations that occur, keeping the audience intrigued and curious about what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of creation and self-discovery. Mother Carey's ability to make things make themselves challenges Tom's understanding of the world and his own capabilities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes curiosity, hope, and reflection, engaging the audience emotionally.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is reflective and thought-provoking, enhancing the scene's mystical and enchanting tone.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fantastical elements, mysterious atmosphere, and the interaction between Tom and the unique creatures he encounters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, revealing information, and maintaining the audience's interest in Tom's journey and interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a fantasy genre screenplay, with clear setting descriptions, character interactions, and progression of the plot.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Tom arriving at the Shiny Wall to suddenly being confused about its location, which may be disorienting for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Tom and the Mollymawks lacks depth and could be more engaging to enhance the interaction.
  • The visual descriptions of the scene, such as the vast and deep expanse of blue in the lower depths of the sea, could be more vivid to create a stronger visual impact.
  • The introduction of Mother Carey and the concept of her creating new creatures from sea water is intriguing but could be further developed to add more depth to the scene.
  • The interaction between Tom and Mother Carey feels rushed and could benefit from more dialogue and exploration of their dynamic.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between Tom arriving at the Shiny Wall and his confusion about its location to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Tom and the Mollymawks to make their interaction more engaging and meaningful.
  • Provide more detailed and vivid visual descriptions to create a stronger visual impact for the audience.
  • Further develop the concept of Mother Carey creating new creatures from sea water to add depth to the scene and explore her character more.
  • Expand on the interaction between Tom and Mother Carey to delve deeper into their dynamic and create a more compelling exchange.



Scene 37 -  The Bogy and the Gold Dust
INT. BOTTOM OF THE SEA - LATER
Super: Bottom of the Sea

Tom follows the Water Dog, along the sandy ocean floor. They
arrive at a large hole in the bottom of the sea, and stop. Tom
peers over the hole, where hot water and steam gush upwards
into the sea with a very loud sound of HISSING.
83.


Pebbles fly upwards from the hole, and hit Tom in the
face. The steam, as it rushes out, collects mud, and
stones which it throws upwards. Repeating again and again.
Parts of the ground are torn and flung into the sea. Tom
is suddenly and vigorously tossed through the sea.

Tom lands at the feet of a BOGY. The Bogy has many wings.
In its stomach are a pair of eyes and its mouth.
BOGY
What do you want here, getting
in my way?
TOM
I am on a mission to get to The
Other End of Nowhere. I have been
sent by Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid.

BOGY
I am too old to be taken in that
way. You are here after gold. I
know that for certain.
TOM
Gold! What is gold?

The Bogy swims above the hole. As the steam rises, the
Bogy smells the steam with his nostrils. When the steam
moves through his opened wings, gold dust falls from them.
The Bogy spins round and round very fast.
BOGY
Now is your time, youngster, to
get down, if you are in earnest,
which I don’t believe.
TOM
You’ll soon see.
Tom and the Water Dog jump down the hole.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Tom follows the Water Dog to a geyser spewing hot water and steam. The force of the steam throws Tom into the air, where he lands at the feet of a strange winged creature with eyes and a mouth in its stomach, known as a Bogy. The Bogy believes Tom is searching for gold, but Tom insists he is on a mission for Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid. The Bogy then demonstrates how gold dust falls from its wings as the steam passes through them. Intrigued, Tom and the Water Dog follow the Bogy's suggestion and jump down the hole.
Strengths
  • Intriguing new character introduction
  • Mystical underwater setting
  • Tension and suspense building
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue interaction

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery with the introduction of the Bogy and the challenge he presents to Tom. The underwater setting and the unique elements like the steam and gold dust add depth to the fantasy world.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the Bogy as a guardian figure testing Tom's resolve adds an intriguing layer to the story. The underwater environment and the mystical elements like the steam and gold dust enhance the fantastical nature of the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Tom faces a new challenge on his journey to The Other End of Nowhere. The introduction of the Bogy adds a new obstacle for Tom to overcome, keeping the audience engaged.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique and fantastical elements such as the Bogy creature and the concept of gold dust falling from its wings. The dialogue between the characters is also fresh and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The Bogy is a mysterious and confrontational character who adds depth to the scene. Tom's determination and curiosity are highlighted as he faces the challenge presented by the Bogy.

Character Changes: 7

Tom's character is further developed as he confronts the Bogy and shows determination in the face of adversity. This challenge marks a significant moment in his journey.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove his sincerity and determination to the Bogy, as well as to discover the meaning of gold. This reflects his desire for adventure and knowledge.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to reach The Other End of Nowhere, as he has been sent on a mission by Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid. This goal reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Tom and the Bogy creates tension and suspense in the scene. Tom's mission is challenged, adding an element of danger and uncertainty.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the Bogy challenges the protagonist's motives and tests his determination.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as Tom faces a formidable guardian in the form of the Bogy. The outcome of this challenge could have significant consequences for his journey.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward as Tom encounters a new obstacle on his quest. It sets up further challenges and developments for the character.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected events and interactions that occur, such as the appearance of the Bogy creature and the discovery of gold dust.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the Bogy's skepticism and Tom's determination. The Bogy believes Tom is after gold, while Tom is focused on his mission and the pursuit of knowledge.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of curiosity and determination in the audience as they witness Tom facing a new challenge. The emotional impact is more subdued but still present.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue between Tom and the Bogy is minimal but serves its purpose in setting up the challenge and advancing the plot. It conveys the necessary information effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its unique setting, fantastical elements, and the dynamic interaction between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense as the protagonist interacts with the Bogy and prepares to jump down the hole.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a fantasy genre screenplay, with clear scene headings and descriptions of the setting and characters.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup of the underwater environment, introduction of the Bogy character, and the interaction between Tom and the Bogy.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, leaving the audience confused about the significance of the Bogy and the hot water and steam gushing from the hole.
  • The dialogue between Tom and the Bogy feels forced and lacks depth, failing to establish a meaningful interaction between the characters.
  • There is a missed opportunity to further develop the character of the Bogy and explore its role in guiding Tom to The Other End of Nowhere.
  • The visual description of the scene could be enhanced to create a more vivid and immersive underwater setting, providing a clearer picture for the audience.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one feels abrupt and disjointed, lacking a smooth flow that connects the two moments seamlessly.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the purpose of the Bogy and the significance of the hot water and steam gushing from the hole to provide a clearer direction for the scene.
  • Revise the dialogue between Tom and the Bogy to add depth and authenticity to their interaction, making it more engaging for the audience.
  • Consider expanding on the character of the Bogy and its role in guiding Tom to The Other End of Nowhere, adding layers to the narrative and character development.
  • Enhance the visual description of the scene to create a more immersive underwater setting, painting a vivid picture for the audience to visualize.
  • Work on creating a smoother transition from the previous scene to this one, ensuring a seamless flow that connects the two moments effectively.



Scene 38 -  The Sea of Laputa Library and the Overworked Creatures
EXT. THE WORLD OF LITTLE PEOPLE - DAY
Super: The World of Little People

Tom and the Water Dog are washed ashore onto The World of
Little People. Books lie in piles of hills. Tom sees
LITTLE PEOPLE writing and reading little books.
84.


LITTLE PERSON #1
You mustn’t go West, I tell you.
It is destruction to go West.
TOM
But I am not going West.
LITTLE PERSON #2
The East lies here, my dear. I
assure you this is the East.
TOM
But I don’t want to go East.
LITTLE PERSON #3
Well then at all events,
whichever way you are going, you
are going wrong.

Tom is confused by all of the directions and
instructions that he is receiving.
LITTLE PERSON #4
Hush all! I cannot concentrate
on my reading.
LITTLE PERSON #1
Look ahead, only look ahead and
we will show you what you never
saw before.
LITTLE PERSON #2
I can see quite plainly you are
a very naughty Water Baby!
Tom looks on helplessly.
LITTLE PERSON #3
We will hang your dog for your
insolence.
Tom and the Water Dog hurriedly make an escape.

INT. SEA OF LAPUTA/LIBRARY - DAY
Super: Sea of Laputa

A neat library...row upon row of books...A SWORDFISH,
HARP SEAL and BLUR MARLIN are seated around a large study
desk covered with open books, pens and paper. They are
hard at work.
85.


Tom and the Water Dog stand near them, ignored for a
few moments until the Water Dog starts barking.
SWORDFISH
I can’t learn my lesson, the
examiner is coming. I can’t learn
my lesson. Do come and help me.

The Harp Seal beckons for Tom to come closer.
HARP SEAL
Can you show me how to extract
this square root?
TOM
And what good on earth will it
do you if I did tell you?
The Harp Seal excitedly jumps up and down in his seat.
HARP SEAL
The Examiner will be comimg soon!
The Examiner will be coming soon!
BLUE MARLIN
Can you tell me the name of the
place that nobody ever heard of,
where nothing ever happened, in
a country which has not been
discovered yet?
HARP SEAL
Can you tell me anything at all,
about anything you like?
TOM
About what?
HARP SEAL
About anything you like. For as
fast as I learn things, I forget
them again.

Overwhelmed, Tom and the Water Dog begin to walk away
when Tom stumbles over a SEA TURTLE.
SEA TURTLE
I do apologize on their behalf.
TOM
What happened to them?
86.


SEA TURTLE
You see, there were many
delightful creatures here once,
and might have been so still, if
they had only been handed over to
me at the Sea of Laputa.
TOM
And why were they not handed to
you?
SEA TURTLE
(angrily)
Their foolish parents, instead of
letting them pick flowers, and
dance as little creatures should,
kept them always at lessons.

TOM
I have never had parents. No one
has ever kept me at lessons.
SEA TURTLE
Working, working, working.
TOM
If dear Mrs.
Doasyouwouldbedoneby knew of it,
she would fix everything.
SEA TURTLE
It would be of no use. They can’t
play now even if they tried.
TOM
Poor things.
SEA TURTLE
But the Examiner of all Examiners
will be here soon. So you had
better get away, or he will
examine you and your dog.
TOM
Yes, we better go.
SEA TURTLE
There is no escaping out of his
hands.
TOM
We’ll be on our way.
87.


SEA TURTLE
But when he is thrashed, so Mrs.
Bedonebyasyoudid has promised me,
I shall be pleased.

The Sea Turtle smiles with satisfaction, at the thought
of the Examiner being punished.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary Tom and the Water Dog arrive at The World of Little People, where they encounter a group of small people who confuse them with their instructions and threaten the Water Dog. They then reach the Sea of Laputa library and meet a Swordfish, Harp Seal, and Blue Marlin struggling with their studies. A Sea Turtle explains that these creatures have been overworked by their parents, who force them to study constantly. The Sea Turtle warns Tom about the Examiner's arrival and advises him to leave to avoid being examined, leaving Tom and the Water Dog fleeing the library.
Strengths
  • Introduction of unique world and characters
  • Building intrigue with the mention of the Examiner
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential confusion for readers due to the introduction of new elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, introducing a new fantastical setting and building intrigue with the mention of the Examiner and the Sea Turtle's backstory.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a world of Little People focused on learning and examinations, along with the Sea Turtle's commentary on the consequences of overwork, is unique and adds depth to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Tom encounters the Little People and learns about the impending arrival of the Examiner, adding a new layer of conflict and mystery.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique characters and settings, blending fantasy elements with philosophical themes. The dialogue is fresh and engaging, adding authenticity to the characters' actions.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The Sea Turtle stands out with its unique perspective and backstory, adding depth to the scene. Tom's curiosity and interaction with the Little People showcase his inquisitive nature.

Character Changes: 6

Tom's encounter with the Little People and the Sea Turtle may lead to a shift in his perspective on work and learning, setting the stage for potential character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the conflicting directions and instructions given by the Little People and find a way to escape with the Water Dog. This reflects his deeper need for clarity and understanding in unfamiliar situations.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal is to escape the World of Little People and avoid being examined by the Examiner. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in this scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is subtly introduced with the mention of the Examiner and the consequences of overwork, setting up potential challenges for Tom.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting instructions and the looming threat of examination adding obstacles for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 6

The mention of the Examiner and the Sea Turtle's anticipation of consequences adds a sense of high stakes to the scene, hinting at potential challenges for Tom.

Story Forward: 8

The scene introduces new elements, such as the impending arrival of the Examiner and the consequences of overwork, moving the story forward and building intrigue.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the fantastical elements, conflicting directions, and unexpected interactions between characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of learning and knowledge versus freedom and play. The Sea Turtle represents the importance of play and freedom, while the Little People emphasize the value of learning and lessons.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes curiosity, confusion, and satisfaction in the reader, setting the stage for further emotional engagement.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue between Tom, the Little People, and the Sea Turtle is engaging and adds to the whimsical tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its unique characters, whimsical dialogue, and philosophical conflict, keeping the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged with the characters' dilemmas.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with distinct character actions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and engaging dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene at The World of Little People feels disjointed and lacks a clear direction. The dialogue between Tom and the Little People is confusing and does not contribute much to the overall story.
  • The introduction of the Sea of Laputa library and the creatures within it adds complexity to the scene without a clear purpose. The interactions between Tom, the Swordfish, Harp Seal, Blue Marlin, and Sea Turtle feel random and do not advance the plot significantly.
  • The scene lacks a cohesive narrative thread and fails to engage the audience in a meaningful way. The dialogue between the characters feels forced and does not add depth to the story.
  • The transition between the World of Little People and the Sea of Laputa library is abrupt and does not flow smoothly. The sudden shift in setting and characters can be disorienting for the audience.
  • Overall, the scene feels cluttered and unfocused, with too many elements introduced without a clear purpose or resolution.
Suggestions
  • Consider streamlining the scene by focusing on one central conflict or interaction that drives the story forward.
  • Clarify the purpose of the interactions between Tom and the Little People, as well as the creatures in the Sea of Laputa library, to ensure they contribute meaningfully to the plot.
  • Work on creating a more cohesive narrative structure that guides the audience through the scene and maintains their interest.
  • Simplify the dialogue and interactions between the characters to make them more engaging and relevant to the overall story.
  • Consider revising the scene to ensure a smoother transition between the different settings and characters, creating a more seamless flow of events.



Scene 39 -  The Backward Giant
EXT. THE GREAT LAND OF HEARSAY - DAY
Super: The Great Land of Hearsay

MEN, WOMEN and CHILDREN SCREAM and run from a GIANT, who
holds a large butterfly net. The Giant’s clothes, are
full of pockets and brimming with bottles, microscopes,
telescopes and boxes.
The Giant is running backwards. Tom darts between his legs.

GIANT
What? Who are you? And why don’t
you run away like all the rest?

The Giant takes out a bottle from his pocket, and
attempts to collect Tom.
TOM
No, no, no! I’ve been round the
world and through the world-
GIANT
Ah, I would like to travel the
world.
TOM
And up to Mother Carey’s Haven,
beside being caught in a net and
called a Holothurian, to be
bottled up by a giant like you!
The Giant puts away his bottle in one of his pockets.
GIANT
Ah, you lucky little dog! If I
had only been where you have
been, to see what you have seen!

The Giant rummages through his pockets, looking
for something to eat.
88.


TOM
Well, if you want to do that, you
had best turn into a Water Baby.
GIANT
Turn into a baby, eh? What an
extraordinary idea!
TOM
Yes.
GIANT
If I could do that, and know what
was happening to me, I should
know everything then. But I
can’t. Ah, you lucky little dog!

Taking an enormous chocolate biscuit out of one of his
pockets, the Giant begins to eat. Biscuit pieces rain
down on Tom.
TOM
But why do you run after all
these poor people?
GIANT
My dear, it’s they that have been
running after me, for hundreds
and hundreds of years.
TOM
Hundreds of years? You must be
very old!
GIANT
Throwing stones at me till they
have knocked off my spectacles
and calling me a malignant.
(slapping his face)
Goodness only knows what they mean!
TOM
It is not a compliment. I know
something about being called
names. Mr. Grimes-
GIANT
And hunting me round and round,
though catch me they can’t, for
every time I go over the same
ground, I go faster.
89.

TOM
That is certainly an advantage.
GIANT
While all I want is to be
friends with them and to tell
them something beneficial.
TOM
That is very considerate.
GIANT
But I suppose I am not a man of
the world and have no tact.

The Giant takes a large handkerchief out from a pocket,
and dabs at his tear-filled eyes.
TOM
But why don’t you turn round and
tell them so?
GIANT
Because I can’t. You see, I must go
backwards, if I am to go at all.

TOM
But why don’t you stop and let
them come up to you?
GIANT
Well, only think. If I did, all
the animals would fly past me and
then I should catch no more new
species.
TOM
What would be so wrong if that
occurred?
GIANT
I would grow rusty, moldy and die.

The Giant shudders at the thought of dying, and wipes
his eyes with the large handkerchief.
TOM
You wouldn’t want that.
GIANT
I don’t intend to do that, my
dear. For I have a destiny before
me. Though what it is I don’t know
and don’t care.
90.

TOM
Don’t care?
GIANT
No. Do the duty which lies nearest
you, and catch the first beetle
you come across is my motto.

The Giant puts his handkerchief back into an
overflowing pocket.
TOM
Strange motto.
GIANT
And I have thrived by it for some
hundred years. Now I must go on.

TOM
So must I.

The Giant walks backwards, and runs into the steeple of
a church. The steeple crashes to the ground.

The Giant pokes around the rubble at his feet. He lifts
a few specimens out from the rubble. The Giant takes a
magnifying glass from his pocket, and peers through it,
studying the specimens.
GIANT
An entirely new Oniscus and
three obscure Podurellae!
TOM
What are you saying?

The roof of the church caves in. A PRIEST and SHRIEKING
CHURCH GOERS run out of the doors, and jump out of the
windows. Out of the dust flies a BAT. The Giant catches
and bottles it.
GIANT
This is even more important! Here
is a species which many insist is
confined to the Buddhist temples
of Tibet.

The Giant begins to run after the people. The people
begin to run after the Giant.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
And many other adventures followed
until Tom and the Water Dog
reached The Other End of Nowhere.
91.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure"]

Summary In the Great Land of Hearsay, Tom encounters a peculiar Giant who runs backward while chasing people. The Giant, obsessed with collecting new species, believes he's helping others by studying them. Despite Tom's attempts to understand his odd behavior, the Giant remains oblivious to the fear he inspires, continuing his pursuit of people as he collects his specimens. This comical and slightly surreal encounter hints at the Giant's benevolent yet misguided intentions, leaving the reader to wonder about the true impact of his actions.
Strengths
  • Introduction of a unique and fantastical character
  • Engaging dialogue between Tom and the Giant
  • Sense of wonder and mystery
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, imaginative, and introduces a new fantastical character, the Giant, adding depth to the world of the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a Giant who collects specimens and runs backwards is innovative and adds a sense of wonder and mystery to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Tom encounters the Giant, providing a new obstacle and adding complexity to Tom's journey.

Originality: 9

The scene is highly original, with its fantastical setting, quirky characters, and whimsical dialogue. The interactions between the Giant and Tom are fresh and engaging, offering a unique take on the theme of exploration and discovery.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The Giant is a unique and intriguing character, adding depth and interest to the scene.

Character Changes: 5

While there is no significant character change in this scene, Tom's encounter with the Giant adds to his growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist, Tom, seems to be seeking adventure and knowledge, as reflected in his dialogue with the Giant about traveling the world and seeing new things. His internal goal appears to be a desire for exploration and discovery.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to evade being caught by the Giant and to understand the Giant's motives for chasing people. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of escaping danger and navigating a strange situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

There is a mild conflict in the scene as Tom tries to understand the Giant's motives and actions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the Giant posing a significant threat to Tom and the other characters. The audience is left wondering how the characters will escape danger and resolve the conflict.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on exploration and discovery.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new obstacle for Tom to overcome on his journey.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and dialogue of the characters, as well as the fantastical elements and whimsical tone. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the Giant's desire to befriend people and share knowledge, despite being misunderstood and chased by them. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about communication and understanding.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of wonder and curiosity, adding emotional depth to Tom's journey.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue between Tom and the Giant is whimsical and adds to the fantastical tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fantastical setting, quirky characters, and playful dialogue. The interactions between the Giant and Tom keep the audience intrigued and invested in the outcome of their encounter.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense as the Giant chases after Tom and the other characters. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the audience engaged and interested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines are well-written and engaging.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene in The Great Land of Hearsay introduces a whimsical and eccentric character in the form of the Giant, who adds a sense of mystery and wonder to the story. However, the dialogue between Tom and the Giant feels a bit disjointed and could benefit from more clarity and coherence.
  • The Giant's motivations and actions are intriguing but may need further development to fully engage the audience. His backward movement and desire to catch new species are unique traits that could be explored in more depth to enhance the scene's impact.
  • The interaction between Tom and the Giant could be more dynamic and engaging, with a clearer progression of their conversation and a stronger emotional connection between the characters. This would help to create a more compelling and memorable interaction.
  • The scene's tone shifts between light-hearted humor and deeper philosophical themes, which can be effective if balanced well. However, ensuring a consistent tone throughout the scene will help maintain the audience's engagement and emotional investment.
  • The visual elements of the scene, such as the Giant's eccentric appearance and actions, provide a vivid and imaginative backdrop. Enhancing these visuals with more descriptive details and sensory imagery could further immerse the audience in the fantastical world of the story.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the dialogue between Tom and the Giant to ensure a more coherent and engaging conversation that advances the plot and character development.
  • Further explore the Giant's backstory, motivations, and unique characteristics to add depth and complexity to his character, making him more compelling and memorable.
  • Enhance the dynamic between Tom and the Giant by focusing on their emotional connection and the impact of their interaction on the story's progression.
  • Maintain a consistent tone throughout the scene, balancing humor with deeper themes to create a cohesive and engaging narrative for the audience.
  • Enrich the visual descriptions in the scene to create a more immersive and vivid setting, enhancing the audience's experience of the fantastical world and characters.



Scene 40 -  The Tears of Redemption
EXT. THE OTHER END OF NOWHERE/PRISON - DAY

GUARD #1, stands before the prison door. Tom and the
Water Dog approach the stern looking Guard #1.
GUARD #1
What business have you here?
TOM
I am here to see Mr. Grimes. Mrs.
Bedonebyasyoudid sent me. I have
a pass from Mother Carey.

Tom fearfully holds up the necklace for Guard #1,
who inspects it carefully.
GUARD #1
All right, pass on. I had better
go with you, young man.

INT. THE OTHER END OF NOWHERE/PRISON - MOMENTS LATER

Tom, Guard #1 and the Water Dog move down a long hallway
arriving at an iron door. Guard #1 presses a doorbell.
GUARD #2 opens the iron door.
GUARD #2
What case is this?
GUARD #1
If you please, it is no case.
Only a young gentleman who wants
to see Grimes.
GUARD #2
Grimes? Grimes is up chimney number
345. Come along, but it will be
of no use.
TOM
Why?
GUARD #2
He is the least remorseful, most
hard-hearted, foul-mouthed man
here.
TOM
It sounds like nothing has changed.
92.

GUARD #2
He thinks about nothing but beer
and pipes, which are not allowed
here.

INT. CHIMNEY NO. 345/PRISON - LATER

Mr. Grimes is held firmly in place in a chimney enclosure
made of mortar and bricks. Mr. Grimes is attempting to
light his pipe.
GUARD #2
Attention, Mr. Grimes, here is a
gentleman who has come to see you.

MR. GRIMES
My pipe won’t draw. My pipe won’t
draw.
GUARD #2
Keep a civil tongue and attend!
Guard #2 hits Mr. Grimes over the head.
MR. GRIMES
Hey! Why, it’s Tom! I suppose you
have come here to laugh at me,
you spiteful little-
TOM
No, Mr. Grimes it is not so.
MR. GRIMES
I don’t want anything except
beer, and that I can’t get, and
to light this pipe, and that I
can’t get either.
TOM
I’ll get you one.

Tom picks up some live coal to light the pipe, but it
is extinguished.
GUARD #2
It is no use. His heart is so
cold that it freezes everything
that comes near him.
MR. GRIMES
Everything is always my fault.
You know, if my arms were only
free, you dare not hit me!
93.

Mr. Grimes rubs his sore head.
TOM
But can’t I help you in any
other way? Can’t I help you get
out of this chimney?
GUARD #2
No, he has come to the place
where everybody must help
themselves. It’s all up to him.
MR. GRIMES
Oh, yes, of course, it’s me. Did
I ask to be brought here into the
prison? Did I ask to be set to
sweep your foul chimneys?

Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid magically appears. The Guards
bow respectfully to her.

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
No. No more than did Tom, when
you behaved to him in the very
same way.
TOM
Oh, don’t think about me. That’s
all past and gone. Good times, bad
times and all times pass over.

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
You are a kind hearted young man.
TOM
May I help poor Mr. Grimes? May not
I try and get some of these bricks
away that he may move his arms?

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
You may try, if you like.

Tom pulls at the bricks with all his strength, but
the attempts prove futile. The enclosure around
Grimes is unmoveable.
TOM
I have come all this way, to help
you, and now I am of no use at all.
MR. GRIMES
You had best leave me alone. You are
a forgiving boy, but you’d best be
off. The hails coming soon.
94.


TOM
What hail?
MR. GRIMES
Why, the hail that falls every
evening here. It drops on my
head and knocks me about.
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
That hail will never come any more.
I have told you before what it was.
MR. GRIMES
I have forgotten your words.
Guard #2 attempts to strike Mr. Grimes, but Mrs.
Bedonebyasyoudid catches his arm, and stops him.

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
It was your Mother’s tears, those
which she shed for you, but your
cold heart froze it into hail.

MR. GRIMES
Why will the hail end?

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
Because she is gone to heaven
now and will weep no more for
her graceless son.
MR. GRIMES
So my old Mother’s gone, and I was
never there for her! A good woman
she was, and might have been a
happy one in her school in
Vendale, if it hadn’t been for me
and my bad ways.

Tom gasps, recalling his memory of the Old Lady
from Vendale.
TOM
Why I met your Mother. But she
wasn’t very fond of chimney sweeps.

MR. GRIMES
She had good reason to hate the
sight of a chimney sweep.
TOM
Why was that Mr. Grimes?
95.

MR. GRIMES
I ran away from her and took up with
the sweeps and never let her know
where I was, nor sent a dollar to
help her. Now it’s too late.

Mr. Grimes cries. His pipe drops out of his mouth, falls
to the ground, and breaks.
MR. GRIMES
Oh, dear, if I was but a little
one again, how differently I would
go on! But it’s too late now.
TOM
Don’t cry, Mr. Grimes.
The two Guards stare angrily at Mr. Grimes.
MR. GRIMES
So you go along, you kind little
one.
TOM
You will get out of here.
MR. GRIMES
But I’m beat now. It’s all my
own fault, but it’s too late.
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
Never too late.

Mr. Grimes’ tears wash the soot off his face, and make the
mortar melt, so that he is freed from his chimney cell.

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
Will you obey me if I give you a
chance?
MR. GRIMES
As you please. You’re stronger
and wiser than me.

MRS BEDONEBYASYOUDID Be
it so then, you may come out. But
remember, disobey me again, and
into a worse place you will go.
MR. GRIMES
But I never disobeyed you. I
never had the honor of setting
eyes upon you, till I came here.
96.


MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
Never saw me? Who said to you
those that will be foul, foul they
will be?
Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid has transformed into the Irish Woman.
Mr. Grimes gasps.

MRS BEDONEBYASYOUDID/IRISH
WOMAN I gave you your warning then. Every
bad word that you said, every
cruel thing that you did, you were
disobeying me.
MR. GRIMES
If I’d only known.
The Irish Woman alters back into the form of Mrs.
Bedonebysasyoudid.

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
You knew well enough that you
were disobeying something.
(to the Guards)
Take him away and give him his
ticket of leave.
Guard #1 handcuffs Mr. Grimes.
GUARD #2
And what is he to do, ma’am?

MRS BEDONEBYASYOUDID Get
him to sweep out the crater of
Etna. He will find some men there,
who will teach him the business.

GUARD #2
Yes, ma’am.
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
But mind, if that crater gets
choked again, and there is an
earthquake, I shall investigate.
Mr. Grimes is led away by the two Guards.
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID (CONT’D)
Tom, your work here is done. You
may as well go back.
97.


TOM
I shall be glad to go.
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
I will take you up the
backstairs, but I must bandage
your eyes first.
TOM
Why?
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
For I never allow anybody to see
those backstairs of mine.
Two sets of white bandages magically appear in Mrs.
Bedonebyasyoudid’s hands.
TOM
I am sure I shall not tell anybody
about them, if you bid me not.

MRS BEDONEBYASYOUDID So
you think, my little man. But you
would soon forget your promise if
you got back into the land world.

TOM
I shall not forget my promise to
you.

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
If people only once found out
that you had been up my
backstairs, you would have them
emptying their pockets and
offering you place and power.
TOM
I am sure that would not happen.

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
Crying to you, "Only tell us the
backstairs secret. Save us from
the consequences of our own
actions, and from the cruel fairy,
Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid!"
TOM
I would not say a word.
98.


MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
Do you not think that you would
be a little tempted then to tell
what you know?
TOM
But why would they so want to
know about the backstairs?

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
That I shall not tell you. So come
now, I must bandage your eyes.

Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid wraps bandages around Tom’s eyes
and then the Water Dog’s eyes.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure","Drama"]

Summary Tom and the Water Dog visit a hardened criminal, Mr. Grimes, in his chimney cell. Despite Tom's efforts to help, Mr. Grimes remains unrepentant until Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid reveals that the hail plaguing him is his mother's frozen tears, caused by his cold heart. Overwhelmed with guilt, Mr. Grimes cries, melting the mortar around him and freeing himself. Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid sends him to sweep the crater of Etna, granting him a chance at redemption. Tom, meanwhile, receives a magical bandage that erases his memory of their journey, leaving him and the audience with a sense of mystery and anticipation.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Redemption theme
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally impactful, with strong character development and themes of redemption. The dialogue is poignant and the conflict is resolved in a satisfying way.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of redemption and consequences is well-executed, with a focus on personal growth and reflection. The scene effectively conveys the idea that it's never too late to change.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around Mr. Grimes' redemption and his realization of the impact of his actions. It moves the story forward by resolving a significant conflict and setting the stage for character growth.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to themes of redemption and forgiveness, with authentic character actions and dialogue that feel genuine and impactful.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Mr. Grimes, are well-developed and undergo significant emotional changes. Their interactions and dialogue add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 9

Mr. Grimes undergoes a significant transformation, reflecting on his past actions and expressing remorse. His redemption arc is compelling and adds depth to the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal is to help Mr. Grimes find redemption and forgiveness for his past actions. This reflects Tom's compassionate nature and desire to make a positive impact on others.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal is to free Mr. Grimes from the chimney enclosure and help him find a new path in life. This reflects the immediate challenge of the situation and the need for physical action.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict revolves around Mr. Grimes' internal struggles and his journey towards redemption. The resolution of the conflict is satisfying and emotional.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Mr. Grimes facing internal and external challenges that drive the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Mr. Grimes as he faces the consequences of his actions and seeks redemption. The emotional weight of the scene adds to the sense of urgency.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by resolving a key conflict and setting the stage for character growth. It paves the way for new developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in character actions and the resolution of Mr. Grimes' story.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is evident in the themes of redemption, forgiveness, and personal responsibility. It challenges Mr. Grimes' beliefs about his past actions and the possibility of change.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of sadness, regret, and hope. The redemption arc of Mr. Grimes is poignant and resonates with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the emotional depth of the characters. It conveys themes of regret, forgiveness, and redemption effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, moral dilemmas, and the journey of redemption for the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, emotional depth, and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear progression of events and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene transitions smoothly from the exterior of the prison to the interior, creating a sense of progression and continuity.
  • The dialogue between Tom, Guard #1, Guard #2, and Mr. Grimes is engaging and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships.
  • The introduction of Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid adds a mystical and authoritative presence to the scene, enhancing the magical elements of the story.
  • The emotional depth of Mr. Grimes' character is effectively portrayed through his interactions with Tom and Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid, showing his remorse and regret for his past actions.
  • The revelation of the hail being his mother's tears frozen by his cold heart adds a poignant and symbolic layer to Mr. Grimes' redemption arc.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more descriptive language to enhance the setting of the prison and chimney enclosure, creating a more vivid visual image for the audience.
  • Explore the internal thoughts and emotions of Tom as he witnesses Mr. Grimes' transformation and redemption, adding depth to Tom's character development.
  • Provide more context or backstory on Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid and her role in the story, further establishing her importance and influence in the narrative.
  • Consider incorporating symbolic elements or motifs throughout the scene to reinforce the themes of redemption, forgiveness, and personal growth.
  • Ensure a clear resolution for Mr. Grimes' character arc, showing his acceptance of responsibility and willingness to change for the better.



Scene 41 -  The Queen Revealed
EXT. ST. BRANDEN’S ISLE - MOMENTS LATER

Tom and the Water Dog have returned back to the
magnificence of St. Branden’s Isle. The Water Babies
APPLAUD and CHEER at Tom’s return from his journey. Mrs.
Bedonebyasyoudid removes the bandages from Tom’s eyes.
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
Now, you are safe up the stairs.

Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid unwraps the bandages from around
the Water Dog’s eyes.
Tom sees Ellie sitting on a rock. How he has missed her!
TOM
Oh, Miss Ellie! It is good to be
back.

Ellie stands and walks to Tom. She is delighted at
his return.
ELLIE
Tom, it’s so good to see you
again! I have been sitting here
waiting for you for so long, till
I thought you were never coming.
TOM
I held the same fears.

MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
Attention, children. Are you
never going to look at me again?
99.

ELLIE
We have been looking at you all
this while.
MRS. BEDONEBYASYOUDID
Then look at me once more.
Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid is now Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby.
Ellie is astounded.
ELLIE
Oh, who are you, after all?
TOM
You are our dear Mrs.
Doasyouwouldbedoneby.

MRS. DOASYOUWOULDBEDONEBY
To you, but look again.

Mrs Doasyouwouldbedoneby is now Mother Carey.
TOM
You are Mother Carey.
MOTHER CAREY
To you, but look again.
Mother Carey is now the Irish Woman.
TOM
You are the Irish Woman who met
me the day I went to Harthover!
NARRATOR (V.O.)
And when they looked again, she
was neither of them and yet all of
them at once.
The Irish Woman is now the Queen of the Fairies.
QUEEN OF THE FAIRIES
My name is written in my eyes.
Now read my name.

A dazzling strong light shines so bright that Ellie and
Tom cannot read her name.
QUEEN OF THE FAIRIES (CONT’D)
Not yet, young things, not yet.

Ellie and Tom exchange glances and hold hands. The Water
Dog barks.
100.


QUEEN OF THE FAIRIES (CONT’D)
Tom has won and become fit to go
with you, and be a man because he
has done the thing that he did
not like.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure","Drama"]

Summary Tom and the Water Dog triumphantly return to St. Branden's Isle, greeted by the cheers of the Water Babies. Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid removes Tom's bandages, allowing him to reunite with a joyful Ellie. The Water Dog's bandages are removed as well, and Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid transforms into Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby, then Mother Carey, and finally the Irish Woman, each time revealing her true identity to Tom's astonished eyes. With a final dazzling transformation, she unveils herself as the Queen of the Fairies, announcing that Tom has completed his mission and can continue his journey with Ellie and the Water Dog.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Thematic richness
  • Mystery and wonder
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion with multiple character transformations
  • Lack of external conflict or high stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is rich in emotional depth, character development, and thematic significance. It effectively conveys a sense of wonder and transformation, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of transformation and discovery is central to the scene, as characters reveal their true identities and the interconnectedness of their journeys. The scene effectively explores themes of growth, redemption, and self-discovery.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the characters' interactions and revelations, leading to a deeper understanding of their journeys and the world they inhabit. The scene sets up important developments for the story's resolution.

Originality: 9

The scene is highly original with its magical creatures, transformative elements, and mystical encounters. The authenticity of characters' actions and dialogue adds to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters undergo significant growth and transformation in the scene, deepening their relationships and revealing hidden truths about themselves. Their emotional arcs are well-developed and engaging.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant changes and growth in the scene, deepening their relationships and understanding of themselves and each other. Their transformations drive the emotional core of the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to reunite with Ellie and prove himself worthy of her love and admiration. This reflects his deeper desire for acceptance and belonging.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to pass the test set by the Queen of the Fairies and become a man. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is emotional conflict and tension in the scene, the focus is more on resolution, growth, and transformation. The conflicts are internal and emotional, driving the characters' development.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges set by the Queen of the Fairies and undergoing transformative experiences.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not explicitly high in the scene, the emotional and personal stakes for the characters are significant. The scene focuses more on internal growth and transformation than external conflicts.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by revealing important truths about the characters, their connections, and the world they inhabit. It sets up key developments for the resolution of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the magical transformations and unexpected encounters with mystical beings.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the theme of transformation and self-discovery. The protagonist's journey to become a man through facing challenges challenges his beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, drawing them into the characters' journeys of self-discovery, redemption, and connection. The emotional depth of the scene resonates with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is poignant and reflective, capturing the emotional depth of the characters' connections and the themes of the scene. It effectively conveys the characters' inner thoughts and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fantastical elements, mysterious transformations, and emotional reunion between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension during the protagonist's test and emotional reunion with Ellie.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene aligns with the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre of fantasy, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition or build-up to the reveal of Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid transforming into different characters. This sudden transformation may confuse the audience and disrupt the flow of the scene.
  • The dialogue between the characters feels a bit rushed and lacks depth. There is an opportunity to add more emotional weight to the reunion between Tom, Ellie, and Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid/Mother Carey/Irish Woman/Queen of the Fairies.
  • The visual elements of the scene, such as the transformation of Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid into different characters, could be enhanced to create a more magical and captivating moment for the audience.
  • The scene could benefit from more descriptive language to paint a vivid picture of the characters and their surroundings, enhancing the overall atmosphere and engagement of the audience.
  • The ending of the scene, with the Queen of the Fairies shining a bright light and challenging Tom and Ellie to read her name, feels abrupt and leaves the audience hanging without a clear resolution.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a gradual build-up to the transformation of Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid into different characters, creating a sense of anticipation and wonder for the audience.
  • Enhance the emotional depth of the dialogue between Tom, Ellie, and the transformed characters to make the reunion more impactful and meaningful.
  • Incorporate more visual cues and descriptions to bring the magical transformations to life and engage the audience's imagination.
  • Expand on the visual elements of the scene to create a more immersive and enchanting experience for the audience.
  • Provide a more conclusive ending to the scene by resolving the challenge set by the Queen of the Fairies or adding a final moment of closure to the reunion between Tom, Ellie, and the transformed characters.



Scene 42 -  A Fairytale Come True
EXT. THE ESTATE - DAY - YEARS LATER

The grandeur of the mansion at the Estate is bathed
in sunlight. A team of GARDENERS tend to the garden.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
So Tom went home with Ellie. And he
is now a great man of science. And
knows everything about everything.


INT. THE ESTATE/STUDY ROOM - DAY

Within an elegant large room with a marble fireplace, and
beautiful furnishings, ADULT TOM, now a young man in his late
twenties, is seated at a desk cluttered with books and
papers. Ellie is seated on a fancy chair, reading a book.
Their TODDLER sitting on the floor, plays with her toys.

NARRATOR (V.O.)(CONT’D)
But remember always that this is a
fairytale and only fun and
pretense, and therefore you are
not to believe a word of it...even
if it is true.
FADE OUT.

THE END.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure","Drama"]

Summary Years later, Tom has returned to the Estate, now a successful scientist living a luxurious life. Surrounded by books, papers, and fine furnishings, he works on scientific projects in his elegant study. His wife, Ellie, reads nearby, while their toddler plays. The scene emphasizes the contrast between Tom's past struggles and his current success, leaving the audience to ponder the nature of the fairytale and its truth.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Closure
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Predictable resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively wraps up the story while leaving room for imagination and reflection. It ties up loose ends and provides closure for the characters, delivering a satisfying conclusion to the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of returning home after a transformative journey is well-executed, emphasizing the personal growth and achievements of the characters. It also introduces elements of fantasy and magic, adding depth to the narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot effectively resolves the character arcs and storylines, showcasing the characters' development and accomplishments. It maintains a cohesive narrative structure and provides a sense of closure for the audience.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of appearance versus reality, blending elements of fantasy and truth in a unique narrative style. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show growth and maturity, reflecting on their journey and experiences. Their interactions and relationships are well-developed, adding emotional depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo significant growth and change, reflecting on their journey and experiences. They show maturity and self-awareness, leading to a satisfying conclusion for their arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a facade of success and knowledge, reflecting his deeper desire for validation and acceptance.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to uphold the image of a successful and knowledgeable man of science, facing the challenge of living up to the expectations set by his reputation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The scene lacks significant conflict, focusing more on resolution and closure for the characters. The conflict that does exist is internal, as the characters reflect on their experiences and growth.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to challenge the protagonist's facade of success and knowledge, creating a sense of uncertainty and conflict that drives the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in the scene, focusing more on personal growth and reflection for the characters. The emotional stakes are high, as the characters confront their past and look towards the future.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by resolving the characters' arcs and providing closure for the narrative. It sets the stage for future adventures while wrapping up the current storyline.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the narrator's ambiguous statements and the underlying tension between appearance and reality, keeping the audience guessing about the true nature of the story.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene lies in the tension between appearance and reality, as the narrator emphasizes the idea of the story being a fairytale and not to be believed, highlighting the theme of perception versus truth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of nostalgia and bittersweetness, as the characters return home after a transformative journey. It tugs at the audience's heartstrings, eliciting emotions of reflection and closure.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is reflective and emotional, capturing the characters' thoughts and feelings as they return home. It conveys a sense of nostalgia and closure, enhancing the overall tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intriguing blend of fantasy and reality, compelling characters, and thought-provoking themes that captivate the audience's attention.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, gradually revealing the complexities of the characters and their relationships within the luxurious setting.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptive elements that enhance the visual imagery.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, transitioning smoothly between the exterior and interior settings while maintaining a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from the previous scene, leaving the audience slightly disconnected from the story's progression.
  • The description of the Estate and the study room is detailed but could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience in the setting.
  • The dialogue between Adult Tom, Ellie, and the toddler feels a bit generic and could be more engaging to capture the audience's attention.
  • The final lines from the narrator could be more impactful and tie back to the overarching themes of the screenplay.
  • The ending, while attempting to maintain the fairytale tone, may come across as abrupt and could be more satisfying for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief transition or recap to connect this scene with the previous one and provide context for the audience.
  • Enhance the description of the Estate and the study room by incorporating more sensory details like sounds, smells, and textures to create a vivid image in the audience's mind.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more dynamic and reflective of the characters' personalities and growth throughout the screenplay.
  • Craft the final lines from the narrator to resonate with the audience and leave a lasting impression that ties back to the core themes of the story.
  • Revisit the ending to ensure it provides a satisfying conclusion for the audience while maintaining the fairytale tone of the screenplay.