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Scene 1 -  A Touch of Romance at Sunset
EXT. TEMECULA VALLEY HIGH SCHOOL GRIDIRON - AFTERNOON

Whistle BLOWS. Bears PRACTICE. On the line.

Football HIKED back to BILLY, 17, All-American "boy next door."

The team COLLIDES with one another as cleats DIG IN. SHAWN,
17, RACES down the line, STUMBLES.

Billy LAUNCHES a perfect spin. Shawn DIVES and completes a
ROLLING CATCH. He stands, show-boating.

COACH EMILIO, 50s, baseball hat and a track suit holds his
hands to his mouth.

COACH EMILIO
Save that shit for when there's
an audience!

Shawn motions to sparsely populated bleachers, then TROTS back.

KIM, 17, a "bubble gum" aesthetic about her, shoots a smile of
adoration at Billy and he fires it right back.

Billy waves and the football BUMPS against Billy's helmet.

SHAWN
Eyes on the field!

BILLY
You wouldn't have to dive if you
ran a little faster!

SHAWN
Sometimes I don't know if coach
loves us or hates us.

Diet cola can CRACKS, FIZZES open. VICTOR, 40s, sits a few
rows up, DRINKS. He sports a polo shirt with "SCOUT" blazed
across it. SCRIBBLE. His gaze returns the field.

Whistle BLOWS.

COACH EMILIO
End zone to end zone bear crawls!
Then hit the showers.

BILLY
He definitely hates us.

Many MOANS and GROANS as the team dutifully follows orders.
2.


EXT. TEMECULA VALLEY HIGH SCHOOL EXIT

Billy BUMPS fists with Shawn. They part ways. Kim stands at
the fence. She smiles as he reaches in to hug her.

BILLY
You feel cold.

KIM
I am.

Billy REMOVES his letterman jacket, puts in on Kim. She pulls
out a folded piece of paper and inserts it to the inner pocket.

BILLY
What was that?
KIM
Read it later. Your eyes only.

BILLY
You can just text me.

KIM
I'm an old soul.

PECK on the cheek, an EMBRACE. They walk.


EXT. INNER NEIGHBORHOOD PARK - SUNSET

A street of affluent houses circle a park. Kim and Billy sit
together atop an expansive JUNGLE GYM.

Kim rests her head on Billy's shoulder.

CHIME. Billy pulls out his phone. Opens it.

KIM
What is it?

PROSPECT APP. Billy presses the button. HIGH PROTEIN SNACK.

Billy sets the phone down.

BILLY
Football app. It's nothing.

A 2001, mint FORD EXPEDITION stops behind Kim and Billy.

KIM
Will you love me forever?
3.


BILLY
Babe, that's what homecoming means.

A front door OPENS. A man stands in the doorway.

BILLY
The sun sets and the Gargoyles
come out.

Kim lightly PUNCHES Billy in his arm.

KIM
Hey, that's my dad!

Billy chuckles and climbs down then extends his hand to Kim.
She takes it and climbs down.
Kim removes his jacket, Billy takes it, pulls it over himself.

Kim kisses Billy as he readjusts his hair.

KIM
Your eyes only.

Kim debarks from Billy's grasp and goes to her house. Her
father GLARES at Billy. They enter, CLOSE the door behind them.

Streetlights IGNITE. Billy heads home.

Billy pulls the note out, UNFOLDS it. STOPS, a wolflike grin.

Looks up to Kim's bedroom window, continues to walk backward.

Billy BUMPS into the Expedition, turns around STARTLED.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Sports"]

Summary During football practice at Temecula Valley High School, Billy impresses his teammates and Coach Emilio with his skills. After practice, he shares a tender moment with Kim, who gives him a note to read later. They share a kiss at a nearby park, where Kim asks about his feelings, leaving Billy to ponder the note as he walks home, reflecting on their budding romance.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Natural character interactions
  • Effective blending of genres
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Potential cliches in romantic interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines elements of drama, romance, and sports in a cohesive manner, engaging the audience with a mix of competitive banter, romantic moments, and a hint of mystery.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of blending sports, romance, and mystery in a high school setting is well-executed, providing a unique and engaging premise for the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses smoothly, introducing elements of romance and potential conflict with Kim's father, setting up future developments in the story.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces familiar high school sports and romance tropes but adds a fresh perspective through nuanced character interactions and dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and dynamics that drive the scene forward. Billy and Kim's relationship is central to the scene, with potential conflicts and resolutions hinted at.

Character Changes: 6

While there are subtle hints at character growth, particularly in Billy and Kim's relationship, there are no significant changes in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Billy's internal goal is to maintain his image as the star athlete and to navigate his romantic relationship with Kim. This reflects his desire for success and validation in his sports career, as well as his need for emotional connection.

External Goal: 7

Billy's external goal is to excel in football practice and to impress his coach and scout. This reflects the immediate challenge of performing well in his sport and potentially attracting attention from scouts.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is subtly introduced through Kim's father's disapproving glare, hinting at potential obstacles for the main characters' relationship.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, but not overwhelming. The subtle challenges and obstacles faced by the characters add depth to the narrative and keep the audience guessing.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderately high, with the potential for conflicts and obstacles in Billy and Kim's relationship, as well as the presence of a scout character that could impact Billy's future in football.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by establishing key relationships, conflicts, and potential obstacles for the main characters, setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because of the subtle hints at underlying tensions and conflicts between characters. The unexpected actions and dialogue choices add a layer of intrigue to the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between the values of hard work and showboating. Coach Emilio values discipline and hard work, while Shawn's showboating behavior challenges those values. This conflict challenges Billy's beliefs about the importance of teamwork and humility in sports.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, drawing the audience into the budding romance between Billy and Kim and setting up potential conflicts that could evoke stronger emotions in future scenes.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and realistic, capturing the banter between teammates and the romantic interactions between Billy and Kim effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between characters, the tension between internal and external goals, and the romantic subplot. The dialogue and actions keep the audience invested in the characters' relationships and conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' relationships and conflicts.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a sports drama genre, with a focus on character interactions, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the setting and introduces key characters, particularly Billy and Kim, in a relatable high school environment. However, the dialogue could be more dynamic to better reflect the characters' personalities and relationships. For instance, Billy's line about homecoming could be more playful or teasing to enhance their chemistry.
  • The use of visual elements, such as the jungle gym and the sunset, adds a nice touch to the atmosphere, but the scene could benefit from more sensory details. Describing the sounds of the practice, the feel of the cool air, or the sights around the park could immerse the audience further into the moment.
  • The transition from practice to the park feels a bit abrupt. A brief moment showing the team wrapping up practice or a quick interaction with Coach Emilio could provide a smoother flow and reinforce the camaraderie among the players.
  • The introduction of Victor as a scout is intriguing but lacks context. A brief hint at his intentions or connection to the main characters could create suspense and foreshadow future conflicts. As it stands, his presence feels somewhat disconnected from the main action.
  • The emotional stakes in the scene are somewhat muted. While the kiss and the note suggest a deeper connection, the scene could explore Billy's internal thoughts or feelings more explicitly, perhaps through a brief voiceover or a moment of reflection after Kim leaves.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the dialogue to make it more engaging and reflective of the characters' personalities. Consider adding playful banter or inside jokes between Billy and Kim to deepen their relationship.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to create a vivid atmosphere. Describe the sounds of the football practice, the feel of the cool breeze, or the colors of the sunset to draw the audience into the scene.
  • Smooth the transition between practice and the park by including a brief moment that shows the team wrapping up or interacting with Coach Emilio, reinforcing the camaraderie and setting the stage for the next scene.
  • Provide more context for Victor's character. A line or two that hints at his intentions or connection to the main characters could create intrigue and foreshadow future plot developments.
  • Explore Billy's internal thoughts or feelings more explicitly after Kim leaves. A moment of reflection or a voiceover could add depth to his character and heighten the emotional stakes of the scene.



Scene 2 -  Panic in the Night
INT. 2001 FORD EXPEDITION

Light from a cell phone reveals a shadow in the driver's seat.

BILLY
Sorry man.


EXT. INNER NEIGHBORHOOD PARK

Billy looks at the Driver.

BILLY
It's not scratched or anything.

No movement. Billy walks past the car, eyes on the driver.

As he continues to walk he glances back. He shakes his head.
4.


Driver's door OPENS. A foot STEPS onto pavement.


EXT. WILLIAM AND SUSANNE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

A single street lamp casts long shadows.


INT. WILLIAM AND SUSANNE'S HOUSE

The warm glow of table lamps bathe a contemporary living room.
A grandfather clock TICKS and TOCKS. GONG.

2nd GONG - Spotless leather furniture.

3rd GONG - High end entertainment system.
4th GONG - 20 year old Naval Academy football memorabilia.

5th GONG - Family photos: Billy and his parents.

6th GONG - A single plate of food on a dining room table.

7th GONG - SUSANNE 40s, dressed to the nines, drinks coffee.

8th GONG - WILLIAM, 40s, silk shirt and a tie, reads.

9th GONG - The book SLAMS shut.

WILLIAM
Where the hell is he?

SUSANNE
I'm telling you - it's that girl!

William pulls out his cell phone and dials.

WILLIAM
Hi there Frank, it's Bill. Did
my son stay for dinner?

Susanne's phone RINGS. Startled she looks at it.

SUSANNE
It's Billy.

William nods.

WILLIAM
He's calling his mother right
now, thank you for your time Frank.

Susanne answers.
5.


SUSANNE
We are worried sick a...

Heavy BREATHING from the phone. Susanne's face contorts.
William leans in, his face matching Susanne. Shakes her head.

SUSANNE
Billy?

Heavy BREATHING.

BILLY (O.S.)
Mom!!! Hel...

THUD. SILENCE then WIMPERS.
INDISTINGUISHABLE
I told you not to say...

CLICK. Susanne GASPS, DROPS her phone, hands cover her mouth.

SUSANNE
William... oh my god, William...

William GRABS his coat from the rack. Rushes toward the door.

WILLIAM
Ping me his last known location
then call the police!
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Billy, in a 2001 Ford Expedition, expresses regret to an unseen driver before walking away with concern. Meanwhile, at home, his parents, William and Susanne, grow anxious about his absence. Susanne receives a distressing call from Billy, filled with heavy breathing and a sudden thud, leading to panic. Realizing something is wrong, William rushes to call the police while instructing Susanne to track Billy's last known location, heightening the tension of the scene.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Emotional impact
  • Strong performances
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-crafted in terms of building suspense and setting up a high-stakes situation. The dialogue and actions of the characters effectively convey the tension and fear present in the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a sudden phone call that changes the mood of the scene and sets up a high-stakes situation is engaging and keeps the audience invested in the story.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is focused on the unexpected phone call and the immediate reaction of the characters, driving the story forward and increasing the tension.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar scenario of a parent searching for a missing child but adds unique elements such as the military background and the suspenseful phone call, which elevate the tension and emotional impact. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' reactions and emotions are well-portrayed, especially Susanne and William, as they react to the phone call with fear and urgency.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo a significant emotional change in response to the phone call, shifting from worry to panic and urgency.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find out what happened to his son, Billy, and ensure his safety. This reflects his deep-seated fear of losing his child and his desire to protect his family.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to locate his son's last known location and call the police to report the situation. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a potential crisis and taking action to ensure his son's safety.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters grapple with fear and uncertainty about Billy's safety.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a challenging situation that tests his resolve and forces him to take decisive action to protect his family.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters fear for Billy's safety and are faced with a sudden and alarming situation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and raising the stakes for the characters, setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden phone call, the mysterious breathing on the other end, and the unexpected turn of events that leave the characters shocked and uncertain.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's belief in protecting his family and the potential threat posed by external forces. The conflict challenges his values of safety and security.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, as the audience is drawn into the characters' fear and anxiety, creating a sense of empathy and concern.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions and the escalating tension, adding depth to the interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful pacing, emotional depth, and high stakes. The escalating tension and dramatic dialogue keep the audience invested in the characters' plight.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of events leading to a climactic moment that leaves the audience on edge.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, rising tension, and a cliffhanger ending that propels the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, transitioning from a seemingly mundane moment to a more alarming situation. However, the initial dialogue from Billy feels somewhat disconnected from the urgency that follows. The apology to an unseen driver lacks context, which may confuse the audience about the nature of the situation.
  • The use of sound, particularly the grandfather clock's gongs, is a creative way to establish the passage of time and the growing concern of Billy's parents. However, the scene could benefit from more visual cues or actions that reflect their anxiety, rather than relying solely on the clock.
  • The heavy breathing on the phone is a strong choice that conveys distress, but the dialogue that follows is unclear and could be more impactful if it included more specific words or phrases that hint at Billy's situation. This would enhance the emotional weight of the moment.
  • The transition from Billy's perspective to his parents' panic is effective, but the pacing could be improved. The scene feels rushed in parts, particularly when Susanne answers the phone. A moment of hesitation or a brief exchange before the call could heighten the tension.
  • The scene ends on a strong note with William's urgency to call the police, but it could be more visually dynamic. Consider incorporating more physical actions or reactions from the characters to emphasize their emotional states, such as William's frantic movements or Susanne's physical distress.
Suggestions
  • Clarify Billy's initial dialogue by providing context for his apology. Perhaps include a brief visual or auditory cue that hints at a previous interaction or conflict with the driver.
  • Enhance the parents' concern by adding more visual elements that show their anxiety, such as them pacing, looking out the window, or checking their watches.
  • Revise the heavy breathing dialogue to include more specific words or phrases that indicate Billy's distress. This could make the moment more relatable and impactful for the audience.
  • Slow down the pacing slightly during the phone call to build tension. Consider adding a moment of silence or hesitation before Susanne answers, allowing the audience to feel the weight of the situation.
  • Incorporate more physical actions or reactions from William and Susanne as they react to the phone call. This could include them moving around the room, showing their emotional states through body language, or even a visual of them looking at family photos to emphasize their fear for Billy.



Scene 3 -  Race Against Time
INT. WILLIAM'S TRUCK

Door SHUTS. William pulls the seat belt over himself and CLICKS
it. Phone ALERT.

William STARTS the truck. Looks at his phone.

WILLIAM
Twelve miles?


EXT. AUBERRY PLACE COMMUNITY GATES

William's truck PULLS out of the community and onto the surface
streets.


EXT. STREETLIGHT

The truck slows down but never stops for the red light.
6.


INT. WILLIAM'S TRUCK

William looks everywhere as he drives.

GPS
Turn right on Temecula Parkway,
continue for 8 miles.


EXT. HIGHWAY 79

William's truck RACES past along the lonely highway.


INT. WILLIAM'S TRUCK
William looks ahead as he sees police headlights.

WILLIAM
Come on...come on...


EXT. GAS STATION - MOMENTS LATER

Police lights and sirens are everywhere. William's truck SLIDES
to a halt. William CLIMBS out of his truck, SLAMS the door
behind him and stands in awe.

An abandoned service station.


INT. WESLEY'S BEDROOM - MORNING

Wesley, 40s, intensely trained body, covered by a single sheet.

Ceiling fan slowly rotates above him. Clock: 4:29am. Wesley's
head shifts and he JOLTS awake.

Clock: 4:30am. Alarm SCREECHES. Wesley GLARES at it.


INT. GYM

Wesley approaches the desk, PRESSES check in buttons.

RECEPTIONIST
Watches could be set by you.

Wesley grins.

Footsteps POUND as Wesley runs a treadmill.

Slow BREATHES with slow focused pull ups.
7.


Two arm hammer rows.

Dumb-bell rows.

A CLANG and a BANG bench presses.

Cable Fly.

A GRUNT with each Box Jump.


INT. GYM LOCKER ROOM - LATER

An unlocked locker. WATER SPRAYS.

Steam rolls out of a single shower.
With closed eyes hot water PELTS, ROLLS off of Wesley's body.


INT. GYM HALLWAY

Wesley wears a suit and comes to a stop before a portrait.

"In Loving Memory of Lindsay Hunter, Forever in our Hearts."

Wesley stares. Tears WELLING in his eyes.

RECEPTIONIST
We miss her very much.

WESLEY
Me too.


INT. JASON'S BEDROOM - MORNING

A morning sun caresses a tidy and neat room with walls plastered
with posters of video games, football and muscle cars.

6am phone alarm BLARES. JASON, 17, high school athlete leaps
out of bed.

On his desk is a set of wireless earbuds and a rainbow bracelet.

Opens the "Prospect" App on his phone. "50 Push Ups." Jason
GROANS, puts the ear buds in his ear and presses play on his
music. "Roses for Mama" by C.W. McCall PLAYS.

Lindsay's photo is on Jason's wall. He presses his fingers to
his lips then his fingers to the photo. Puts on the bracelet.

Jason CRACKS his neck, STRETCH: arms: legs, a breath. He FALLS
face first. CATCHES himself and starts PUSH UPS.
8.


A pan SIZZLES.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Sports"]

Summary William, feeling anxious and determined, drives his truck through a community gate, ignoring a red light as he follows GPS directions. With twelve miles to go, he speeds down a lonely highway, spotting police headlights that heighten his urgency. Upon arriving at an abandoned gas station filled with police activity, he exits his truck, taking in the chaotic scene with a sense of awe.
Strengths
  • Effective use of multiple locations and characters
  • Strong emotional impact
  • High level of conflict and tension
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more impactful in certain moments
  • Character changes could be more pronounced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up a sense of mystery and urgency while also delving into the emotional depth of the characters. The transitions between different locations and characters are well-executed, keeping the audience intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on mystery, drama, and sports, is well-developed and effectively executed.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is engaging and moves the story forward, setting up the mystery and conflict that will drive the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the classic 'chase' scenario, with unique character motivations and settings. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are effectively conveyed, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

While there are subtle character changes and developments in the scene, they could be more pronounced to add depth and complexity to the narrative.

Internal Goal: 8

William's internal goal is to reach his destination quickly and avoid getting caught by the police. This reflects his fear of being caught and his desire to escape the situation.

External Goal: 9

William's external goal is to evade the police and reach his destination without getting caught. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing and the obstacles he must overcome.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with the mystery and urgency driving the tension and drama forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the police chasing the protagonist and creating obstacles for him to overcome.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with the mystery and urgency driving the tension and drama forward, creating a sense of importance and impact.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward, setting up key plot points and conflicts that will drive the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the protagonist's journey, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between following the law and breaking it to achieve a goal. This challenges William's beliefs and values as he must decide whether to obey the law or take risks.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, with the characters' emotions and motivations effectively conveyed, drawing the audience in and creating a sense of empathy and connection.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is effective in conveying the emotions and tensions of the scene, but could be more impactful in certain moments.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, suspenseful atmosphere, and high stakes for the protagonist.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful action sequence, with clear transitions and pacing.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension as William rushes to find his son, but it could benefit from more emotional depth. While the urgency is clear, the internal conflict or emotional stakes for William are not fully explored. Adding internal monologue or visual cues that reflect his anxiety or fear could enhance the audience's connection to his character.
  • The transition from the truck to the gas station feels abrupt. While the pacing is quick, it may leave the audience disoriented. Consider adding a moment of reflection or a brief interaction with the environment that allows the audience to absorb the gravity of the situation before arriving at the gas station.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works for the tension, but it might be helpful to include a line or two that reveals William's thoughts or feelings about Billy's situation. This could be a whispered prayer, a curse, or a memory that flashes through his mind as he drives.
  • The visual descriptions are strong, particularly the contrast between the police lights and the abandoned service station. However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details—what does the gas station smell like? What sounds are present? This would create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • The abrupt cut to Wesley's morning routine feels jarring and could disrupt the flow of the narrative. Consider either extending the scene with William or providing a smoother transition that connects Wesley's routine to the ongoing tension surrounding Billy's disappearance.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate internal dialogue for William to express his fears or regrets about Billy, which would deepen the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Add a moment of hesitation or reflection as William drives, perhaps recalling a fond memory of Billy or expressing a silent plea for his safety.
  • Enhance the sensory details in the gas station scene to create a more vivid atmosphere, allowing the audience to feel the tension and urgency.
  • Consider extending the scene with William to include a brief interaction with a police officer or a bystander at the gas station, which could heighten the sense of urgency and community concern.
  • Create a smoother transition to Wesley's morning routine, perhaps by hinting at the connection between the two characters or showing how the events are affecting Wesley's day.



Scene 4 -  Breakfast Conversations and Desperate Pleas
INT. WESLEY'S KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

Sausage COOKS in a pan and are removed by tongs.

Two eggs CRACK into a bowl and a whisk BEATS them. Eggs are
poured into the pan and the sausage grease cooks them.

Jason wears blue jeans and a form fitting cotton T-shirt. He
OPENS the refrigerator, grabs cheese, throws it on the eggs.

A moving reflection on the wall catches Jason's eye. VROOM
then a STOP. Car door OPENS. Jason looks out the window.

INT./EXT. WESLEY'S KITCHEN TO DRIVEWAY

Wesley gets out of his car. SHUTS the door.


INT. WESLEY'S DINING ROOM

Breakfast HITS the table just as the front door OPENS. Three
plates at the table. Two have food.

The music FADES as Jason disengages his ear buds. Wesley grabs
his tablet. Sits at the table.

JASON
Hey.

Jason grabs his orange juice and drinks as he sits.

WESLEY
You remembered.

JASON
I remember everything.

Wesley drinks some coffee.

WESLEY
Her favorite sausage.

Wesley gaze doesn't falter as Jason OBLITERATES his food.
Plate SCRAPING, Jason looks up.

JASON
Team meeting.

Jason DOWNS his orange juice as Wesley starts to methodically
eat. Jason GRABS his backpack and HUGS Wesley.
9.


JASON
Have a good day.

Jason heads toward the door.

WESLEY
Um, it's her birthday. Make sure
you say hello.

Jason stops and looks back at Wesley.

JASON
Don't forget to make dinner.

Jason LEAVES. Wesley takes BITE and then SIPS his coffee.
DALE (V.O.)
That bitch!


INT. WESLEY'S INVESTIGATION OFFICE - AFTERNOON

A classic aesthetic paints the office. DALE, 50s, thin hair,
overweight and unkempt, sits in Wesley's chair.

Dale FRISBEES a set of photos across the desk. One falls to
the ground.

Wesley kneels down to pick it up.

WESLEY
I had to rent a boat to get these
photos.

DALE
The check cleared - the fuck do
you care?

Wesley looks at the photo: a topless woman sunbathes on a boat.

DALE
What does he have that I don't?!

Wesley POURS two drinks. Slides one to Dale. He catches it.

WESLEY
A yacht?

DALE
Oh, go fuck yourself!

Dale downs the whiskey. Wesley holds up his glass.
10.


WESLEY
To your sudden lack of alimony.


INT. WESLEY'S INVESTIGATION OFFICE - LATER

Alone, Wesley POURS a drink. Presses play on an answer machine.

MACHINE
You have one saved message.

Wesley SITS. The chair CREAKS as it faces the window. Sip.

LINDSAY (O.S.)
Hey, I know I said I'd be able to
pick up Jason, but I had a walk
in client and we really need the
money. Maybe we should consider
letting Jason get his driver's
license. See you in a couple
hours - love you!

BEEP. Drink.

SUSANNE (O.S.)
Mr. Hunter I presume?

Wesley COUGHS as he rises and turns. Sets the glass down.

WESLEY
My apologies, my mind was somewhere
else. I didn't hear you enter.

Susanne notes the liquor. Susanne HMM-HOS and side eyes.

SUSANNE
Libations? This early?

WESLEY
All things considered... yeah.

SUSANNE
Mr. Hunter, you came highly
recommended...

Susanne sits opposite of Wesley.

SUSANNE
My family needs highly recommended.

WESLEY
The heir to the Merit empire has
been all over the news.
11.


Wesley sits in his chair and takes a DRINK.

SUSANNE
Large amounts of media coverage
are an artifact of the affluent.
He's been missing for three weeks.

Susanne SOBS. Wesley takes hold of a tissue. He walks around
his desk and hands it to Susanne who dabs her eyes.

WESLEY
Look. Missing person cases tend
to be very expensive and rarely
have happy endings.

SUSANNE
I have a check for a hundred
thousand dollars, Mr. Hunter.

WESLEY
You're desperate and making
irrational decisions.

Susanne looks at the pink letters on Wesley's desk.

SUSANNE
Those pink slips suggests you're
desperate and making a bad one.

Wesley studies the stone expression on Susanne's face.

Bell RINGS.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In Wesley's kitchen, Jason prepares breakfast and shares a light conversation with Wesley about the importance of remembering birthdays. After Jason leaves, Wesley meets with Dale, who expresses frustration over personal issues while discussing a case. The tone shifts when Susanne enters Wesley's office, seeking help for a missing person case and revealing her desperation and willingness to pay a large sum for assistance. This sets up a conflict for Wesley, who is hesitant to take on such a challenging case.
Strengths
  • Strong dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Mystery elements
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched moments
  • Slightly predictable plot twists

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively creates tension and emotional depth through the dialogue and character interactions. The mystery surrounding the missing person case adds intrigue and keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a missing person case and the emotional toll it takes on the characters is compelling and well-developed. The scene effectively explores themes of desperation and family dynamics.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and moves the story forward by introducing the missing person case and the characters' reactions to it. The conflict and stakes are high, adding tension to the scene.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces familiar themes of responsibility and sacrifice in a fresh and engaging way. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their emotions are portrayed convincingly. The interactions between the characters reveal their relationships and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo emotional changes in the scene, particularly Susanne, who is forced to confront her desperation and make difficult decisions.

Internal Goal: 8

Jason's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a facade of normalcy and control despite underlying tensions and responsibilities. His desire to remember everything and attend a team meeting reflects his need to appear competent and reliable.

External Goal: 7

Jason's external goal is to attend a team meeting and fulfill his responsibilities at work. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of balancing personal and professional obligations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is high, with the mystery of the missing person case and the characters' emotional turmoil driving the tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and motivations driving the interactions between the characters. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of the characters' decisions and actions.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with a missing person case and the characters' emotional turmoil adding tension and urgency to the story.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the missing person case and setting up the central conflict. It also deepens the emotional stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in character interactions and revelations. The shifting dynamics between Jason, Wesley, and Susanne add layers of complexity and intrigue to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of responsibility, sacrifice, and desperation. Jason's interactions with Wesley and Susanne highlight the tension between personal desires and societal expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a strong emotional impact, with the characters' desperation and concern palpable throughout. The audience is likely to be emotionally invested in the outcome of the missing person case.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, emotional, and drives the scene forward. It effectively conveys the characters' feelings and motivations, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of domestic and investigative elements, sharp dialogue, and subtle character dynamics. The tension and conflict between the characters keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of slower moments of reflection and faster-paced dialogue exchanges. The rhythm and flow of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the atmosphere and tone of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure that transitions smoothly between different locations and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the domestic environment of Wesley's kitchen, creating a contrast between the warmth of home life and the darker themes of the overall narrative. However, the transition from the kitchen to the investigation office feels abrupt and could benefit from smoother pacing to maintain the emotional flow.
  • Jason's character is introduced with a casual demeanor, but the dialogue lacks depth and could be enhanced to reveal more about his relationship with Wesley and the significance of the birthday. The mention of 'her birthday' feels vague; specifying whose birthday it is earlier in the scene could create a stronger emotional connection.
  • The dialogue between Wesley and Jason is functional but lacks subtext. Adding layers to their conversation could enhance the emotional stakes. For instance, exploring Jason's feelings about his mother's absence or Wesley's struggles with parenting could add depth.
  • The introduction of Dale in the investigation office provides comic relief, but the humor feels somewhat disconnected from the tension established in the previous scenes. Balancing the tone between humor and the serious nature of the investigation could improve coherence.
  • The scene with Susanne introduces a new character and a significant plot point, but it feels rushed. The emotional weight of her desperation could be better conveyed through more nuanced dialogue and reactions. Additionally, Wesley's response to her offer could reflect more internal conflict, given the stakes involved.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection for Jason before he leaves, allowing him to express his feelings about the birthday or his relationship with his mother, which would deepen the emotional impact.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Wesley and Jason by incorporating more subtext that hints at their struggles and the complexities of their relationship, making their interactions feel more layered.
  • Smooth the transition between the kitchen and the investigation office by including a visual or auditory cue that connects the two settings, such as a lingering sound from the kitchen that fades into the office.
  • When introducing Susanne, consider giving her a more distinct emotional reaction to Wesley's demeanor and the situation, which would help establish her character and the gravity of her request more effectively.
  • Incorporate more sensory details in the kitchen scene to create a vivid atmosphere, such as the smell of the cooking food or the sound of sizzling, which can enhance the contrast with the later tense scenes.



Scene 5 -  After School Plans and Playful Banter
EXT. ELSINORE HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

A fierce Tiger painted on the wall. Student mill about. BEN,
17, wide-eyed, reads an issue of "Muscle and Chrome" addressed
to his dad: Garret Ponder.

Ben turns the page sideways.

BEN
O-o-o-o-o-oh.

ELIZABETH (O.S.)
The school banned porn.

Ben looks up. ELIZABETH, 17, brown hair, dark eyes, Tiger's
Rock shirt.

BEN
You can't ban an imagination!
12.


TUCKER, 17, bright red hair, freckles, wears a prominent cross
of a proud Irish Celt, sets his food down and sits next to
Ben. OPENS the carton of chocolate milk, DRINKS.

Jason and CHRIS, 17, dark skin, black hair, like Jason he
wears a football letterman jacket, arrive at the same time.

JASON
What's everyone doing after school?

CHRIS
Meeting some girls, hopefully.

TUCKER
Urban exploration.
ELIZABETH
Where at?

BEN
The old Military School.

JASON
How come I didn't hear about this?

TUCKER
We didn't think you'd be
interested.

ELIZABETH
In meeting the girls, or...?

Everyone QUIETS; grins on their faces.

Multiple phone ALERTS. The boys all look.

CHRIS
Snack time.

Ben pulls out energy bars, PASSES them out. The boys start to
open them.

ELIZABETH
It's like a cult...

Tucker takes a large bite.

CHRIS
No it's not. Ask Tucker, you
can't be in more than one cult at
a time.
13.


TUCKER
(A full mouth.)
I'm not in a cult.

CHRIS
(Mocking Tucker.)
I'm naugh in a culd!

BEN
Stop being a dick!

JASON
It's my mom's birthday anyway.
I'm going to have dinner with my
dad.
ELIZABETH
How is your dad?

BEN
Knowing his dad? Drunk as fuck!
Genres: ["Teen Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Outside Elsinore High School, Ben reads a magazine addressed to his dad while chatting with Elizabeth about the school's ban on porn. Tucker joins, and they discuss their after-school plans for urban exploration at an old military school, sharing snacks and engaging in playful banter about cults. Jason mentions his dinner plans with his dad for his mom's birthday, hinting at his father's drinking issues. The scene is filled with light-hearted humor and camaraderie, ending with Ben's humorous remark about Jason's dad, keeping the mood upbeat.
Strengths
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Engaging character interactions
  • Light-hearted tone
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot progression
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the dynamic between the characters and sets a light-hearted tone for the story. The dialogue is engaging and humorous, keeping the audience entertained.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of showcasing high school friends engaging in playful banter is engaging and relatable, adding depth to the characters and setting.

Plot: 6

While the scene doesn't significantly advance the main plot, it serves as a crucial moment for character development and relationship building.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique elements such as the ban on porn and the boys' plans for urban exploration, adding freshness to the familiar high school setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined through their dialogue and interactions, each displaying unique traits and dynamics within the group.

Character Changes: 4

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it sets the stage for potential growth and development in future interactions.

Internal Goal: 8

Ben's internal goal is to assert his individuality and defend his beliefs, as seen in his response to the ban on porn. This reflects his need for autonomy and self-expression.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to decide on his plans after school, whether to join his friends in urban exploration or have dinner with his dad. This reflects the immediate circumstances and choices he faces.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The scene lacks significant conflict, focusing more on light-hearted banter and camaraderie.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with conflicts arising from differing opinions and choices among the characters. The audience is left wondering how these conflicts will be resolved.

High Stakes: 2

The scene has low stakes, focusing more on character dynamics and light-hearted interactions.

Story Forward: 5

The scene doesn't propel the main story forward significantly but adds depth to the characters and their relationships.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in dialogue and character interactions. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the conversations will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between conformity and rebellion, as seen in the ban on porn and the boys' plans for urban exploration. This challenges Ben's beliefs in individuality and freedom of imagination.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene evokes a sense of nostalgia and camaraderie, but doesn't delve deep into emotional complexity.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reflective of teenage speech patterns, adding authenticity to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the quick banter and humorous exchanges between the characters. The dialogue feels natural and relatable, drawing the audience into the teenage world.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and humor, with well-timed dialogue exchanges and character movements. The rhythm keeps the audience engaged and interested.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly, enhancing readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a high school setting, with clear character introductions and dialogue exchanges. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the youthful energy and camaraderie among the characters, which is essential for establishing their relationships. However, the dialogue sometimes feels forced, particularly the banter about cults and the school banning porn. While humor is important, it should feel more organic and less like a setup for a punchline.
  • The character of Ben is introduced reading a magazine addressed to his dad, which is a good way to hint at his family dynamics. However, this detail could be better integrated into the dialogue or actions to create a stronger emotional connection. As it stands, it feels somewhat disconnected from the rest of the scene.
  • The transition from light-hearted banter to the more serious comment about Jason's dad being 'drunk as fuck' is jarring. This shift in tone could be smoothed out by providing a more gradual buildup to the serious topics, allowing the audience to digest the humor before confronting the darker realities of the characters' lives.
  • The scene lacks a clear narrative arc or conflict. While the characters engage in playful banter, there is no significant tension or stakes introduced. Adding a sense of urgency or a looming threat could enhance the scene's impact and keep the audience engaged.
  • The visual descriptions are minimal and could be expanded to create a more vivid setting. For example, describing the atmosphere of the school, the sounds of students, or the weather could help ground the scene and make it more immersive.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it feel more natural and less like a setup for jokes. Allow the characters to speak in a way that reflects their personalities and relationships more authentically.
  • Integrate Ben's reading of the magazine into the dialogue or actions of the scene. For example, he could reference something from the magazine in a conversation, which would tie it more closely to the group dynamic.
  • Gradually introduce the serious themes by weaving them into the banter. For instance, characters could make light-hearted comments that hint at deeper issues, creating a more cohesive tone throughout the scene.
  • Introduce a conflict or a sense of urgency to the scene. This could be as simple as a rumor circulating about the old Military School or a deadline for a school project that the characters are avoiding, which would give the scene more direction.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more immersive experience. Consider adding sensory details that evoke the environment, such as the sounds of laughter, the smell of food, or the sight of students bustling around, to bring the scene to life.



Scene 6 -  Tension at Rick's Corner Equation
EXT. RICK'S CORNER EQUATION - DAY

Last door in a corner strip mall. Prominent sign: CASH ONLY.


INT. RICK'S CORNER EQUATION

At the bar sits a semi-coherent drunk. MICHELLE HARRIS, 30s,
hair tied back, little makeup, wears a power suit of a woman
detective.

Michelle surveys the room. Locks eyes with the bartender.

MICHELLE
Don't let him drive.

The bartender, more bust than brains, nods. Michelle focuses
her gaze on Wesley who sits alone at a corner table.

Michelle takes the long walk among single tables, pool tables
and a shuffle board. She stops between a jukebox and Wesley.

Oblivious, Wesley nurses a whiskey checking his phone as his
leg shakes.

MICHELLE
Wes?

His leg stops. Wesley puts his drink down. Looks up as he
stands. Shake hands or hug. Awkward. They hug.
14.


WESLEY
It's been too long.

Drink in hand, Wesley leans against the wall.

MICHELLE
I respected your need to leave.

A smirk runs across Wesley's face as Michelle sits at the table.

WESLEY
I didn't.

MICHELLE
How is Jason?
WESLEY
If the rumors are believed, more
than I can handle.

Michelle can't figure it out, TAPS her fingers.

MICHELLE
Did you take the case?

WESLEY
It's every parents worst nightmare.

Wesley SIPS and sits.

MICHELLE
We can't help them anymore.

WESLEY
So, you sent her down river with
an address? Knowing everything?
Jason is his age. Are you fucking
kidding me? I have to say no!

MICHELLE
Your dictionary tore that page
out. She's desperate Wes.

Michelle waves the bartender away as she approaches.

WESLEY
We happen to be at the opposite
end of a hundred grand desperate.

MICHELLE
I think I'll take that drink. I
chose the wrong career.
15.


WESLEY
If I do this, I'm going to need
your help.

Wesley takes a drink.

MICHELLE
It's an ongoing investigation
Wes.

WESLEY
All I'm asking is a personal
courtesy.

A LONG beat.
MICHELLE
I'll give you what I can... off
the record!

Wesley DOWNS his drink.

WESLEY
I don't deserve your kindness.

Michelle fingers press against her forehead. Wesley leaves.

MICHELLE
Do they make Cosmos?!

WESLEY
Ask my son!
Genres: ["Mystery","Crime","Drama"]

Summary In a rundown bar, detective Michelle Harris confronts Wesley about a missing person case involving Jason. Their conversation reveals Wesley's reluctance to take the case and Michelle's frustration with his indecision. Despite their complicated history, Wesley seeks Michelle's support, leading to a tense exchange that ends unresolved as he leaves, leaving Michelle frustrated and questioning the bar's drink options.
Strengths
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Compelling mystery setup
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Pacing could be tightened in some moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up a complex dynamic between the characters, introduces a compelling mystery, and creates a sense of urgency and emotional depth.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of reuniting two characters with a shared history in the context of a high-stakes mystery is engaging and sets the stage for compelling developments. The scene effectively introduces key themes of desperation and moral ambiguity.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is engaging, with the introduction of a missing person case adding intrigue and raising the stakes for the characters. The scene effectively advances the overall narrative and sets up future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique characters and situations, with fresh approaches to familiar themes of justice and redemption. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Michelle and Wesley are well-developed, with complex motivations and a history that adds depth to their interactions. Their contrasting personalities create tension and drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

Both Michelle and Wesley undergo subtle changes in the scene, as they confront their past and grapple with the moral implications of the missing person case. Their interactions hint at deeper character development to come.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to reconnect with Wesley and potentially persuade him to help with a case. This reflects her deeper need for closure and justice, as well as her fear of not being able to solve the case without his assistance.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to convince Wesley to help with an ongoing investigation. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in solving the case and bringing justice to the victims.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is palpable, both in the personal dynamics between Michelle and Wesley and the larger mystery of the missing person case. The tension is high, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations and desires between the characters, creating uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, both on a personal level for the characters and in the context of the missing person case. The urgency of the situation drives the narrative forward and creates tension.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a key plot point and setting up future conflicts. The missing person case adds complexity to the narrative and raises the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' motivations and actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

There is a philosophical conflict evident in the scene between Michelle's sense of duty and Wesley's reluctance to get involved. This challenges Michelle's beliefs in justice and the importance of solving the case.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, particularly in the interactions between Michelle and Wesley. Their complicated history and the urgency of the missing person case create a sense of empathy and concern for the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and revealing, providing insight into the characters' emotions and relationships. It effectively conveys the tension and conflict between Michelle and Wesley, as well as the urgency of the missing person case.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension between the characters, the emotional depth of their interactions, and the high stakes of the investigation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes tension between Wesley and Michelle, highlighting their complicated relationship and differing perspectives on the case. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to deepen their emotional connection and history. Currently, it feels somewhat expository and could be more nuanced.
  • Wesley's character is portrayed as conflicted and emotionally charged, which is compelling. However, the scene could explore his internal struggle more vividly. For instance, showing physical manifestations of his anxiety or regret could enhance the audience's understanding of his state of mind.
  • The setting of a bar is appropriate for the tone of the scene, but it could be utilized more effectively to reflect the characters' emotional states. For example, incorporating more sensory details about the environment—like the sounds of laughter, clinking glasses, or the smell of alcohol—could create a more immersive atmosphere.
  • The dialogue between Wesley and Michelle sometimes feels on-the-nose, particularly when discussing the case and their past. Subtlety could be improved by allowing the characters to imply their feelings rather than stating them outright. This would create a more engaging dynamic and allow the audience to infer the depth of their relationship.
  • The ending line about Cosmos feels somewhat abrupt and lacks emotional weight. It could be reworked to either provide a more poignant conclusion to their conversation or to set up a future interaction that hints at unresolved issues between them.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief flashback or a visual cue that hints at Wesley and Michelle's past relationship, which could provide context for their current tension and make their dialogue more impactful.
  • Incorporate more physical actions or reactions from Wesley and Michelle to convey their emotional states. For example, Wesley could fidget with his drink or Michelle could glance around the bar nervously, which would add layers to their conversation.
  • Enhance the bar setting by including background characters or activities that reflect the mood of the scene. This could serve to contrast Wesley's internal struggle with the carefree atmosphere around him.
  • Revise the dialogue to include more subtext, allowing the characters to communicate their feelings indirectly. This could involve using metaphors or references that resonate with their shared history, making the conversation feel richer.
  • Rework the final exchange to either leave the audience with a lingering question about their relationship or to provide a more satisfying emotional resolution, perhaps by having Wesley express a desire for help in a more vulnerable way.



Scene 7 -  The Search for Billy
INT. WILLIAM AND SUSANNE'S HOUSE - LATER

KNOCKS at the front door. Heels CLACK across marble floors.
Susanne answers the door.

Wesley stands there as Susanne is shocked and relieved.

WESLEY
I'll need to see his room.


INT. BILLY'S BEDROOM

Soda cans litter the desk. Clothes thrown about. Susanne
stands at the door as Wesley steps throughout.

WESLEY
No maid service?
16.


SUSANNE
He had an embarrassing moment.
Ever since, the maids don't enter.

A leather bound book rests on a desk. Wesley OPENS it.

WESLEY
He read a lot?

SUSANNE
Billy reads every book his father
gets in the mail. Billy's a very
private child.

Wesley looks up at Susanne.
WESLEY
I'm about to invade all his
privacy.

Wesley FLIPS through the book and comes to a portrait of Kim.
He holds it up to Susanne.

SUSANNE
His girlfriend.

Wesley cocks his head a little sideways.

WESLEY
You're lucky parent.

A inquisitive regard folds across Susanne's face.

SUSANNE
I'll call my husband. Tell him
you're here.

Wesley TOSSES the book back to the desk. Meanders.

Wesley pulls out his phone and bumbles through the menu.
Flashlight ignites.

Peers under the bed. Nothing there.

Wesley sits in the office chair.

WESLEY
Give me something.

He leans back BUMPING the desk. Computer TURNS on. Desktop
background.

WESLEY
No password?
17.


Wesley opens the web browser. A few pages already open. "Sync
Prospect." Wesley CLICKS on that.

A notification: 23 Days since last check in.

CLICK! Another page.

Topless woman. Wesley CLICKS away and CHUCKLES. He looks at
the door.

WESLEY
An embarrassing moment...


INT. WILLIAM AND SUSANNE'S HOUSE
As Wesley enters William RUSHES to shake his hand.

WILLIAM
Thank you! When Suze said you
couldn't help. I don't even know.

WESLEY
I make no promises or guarantees.

Wesley looks at the High School football memorabilia in the
cabinets.

WESLEY
Like father, like son?

WILLIAM
He's the light of my life.

Wesley keeps a grin to himself.

WESLEY
What's that like?

WILLIAM
A son's magic is the ability to
compel a father to do better.

Text ALERT. Wesley and William reach for their phones.

WESLEY
It's not me.

WILLIAM
It's from Billy, Jesus Christ!

William shows the phone to Wesley.
18.


INT. ELSINORE HIGH SCHOOL LOCKER ROOM

Showers RUN. Wrapped in a towel, Jason walks down the row.

He stops at a locker and TURNS the combination. OPENS.

Jason grabs his phone and puts in his ear buds. Unlocks Phone.
Missed Call. Text to Voice Option.

Jason presses "Play and starts to put on his socks.

TEXT TO VOICE (O.S.)
Jason, don't hate me. I won't be
home till late. A high profile
case came in today. Also, I forgot
to turn on the slow cooker.
There's a fifty in my dresser.
Your mom would want you to treat
yourself. Love you.

Jason POUNDS the back of his head into the locker as Chris
walks by.

CHRIS
Bro, you okay?

JASON
I hate Tuesdays.


EXT. OPEN FIELD - NIGHT

Police descend from every direction. Dogs BARK as they drag
the officers by the leash.

A jacket in a pile of leaves. The dogs SNIFF.

A hand reaches down, grabs the jacket. TEMECULA VALLEY HIGH
SCHOOL Letterman.

They unfold the jacket. "Merit" embroidered across the back.

Wesley approaches the police line.

OFFICER
Are you on the case, Investigator?

The officer looks to Michelle and she waves.

Wesley ducks under the line.

It's a little bit of a trek to the scene but Wesley arrives.
19.


MICHELLE
All that's here is the jacket.

WESLEY
Might be good news.

MICHELLE
Where the hell is the kid?

WESLEY
A hundred thousand dollar question.
Genres: ["Mystery","Crime","Drama"]

Summary Wesley investigates Billy's room at the home of William and Susanne, who express their concerns about their son's privacy and well-being. As Wesley uncovers clues, including a portrait of Billy's girlfriend and questionable content on his computer, the tension rises with a text from Billy indicating he won't be home until late. The scene shifts to Jason in a locker room, dealing with family issues, before returning to Wesley and Michelle at a police investigation site, deepening the mystery of Billy's whereabouts.
Strengths
  • Strong tension and suspense
  • Compelling mystery setup
  • Effective dialogue and character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Some characters could be further developed
  • Limited emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a compelling mystery with strong character interactions and dialogue.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a missing person case and the investigation that follows is engaging and sets up a compelling mystery for the audience.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is well-developed, introducing the missing person case and setting up the conflict and stakes effectively.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique characters, complex relationships, and a compelling mystery, adding originality to the familiar detective genre.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters in the scene are well-defined and their interactions add depth to the story, but there is room for further development.

Character Changes: 6

There is some character development in the scene, particularly in the way the characters react to the missing person case, but more could be explored.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to uncover the truth about the missing child while navigating the complex dynamics of the family and their secrets.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to solve the case of the missing child and bring closure to the family.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict in the scene, as the characters grapple with the mystery of the missing person and the stakes involved.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations and hidden agendas among the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters grapple with the mystery of the missing person and the potential consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing the missing person case and setting up the investigation.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in the investigation and the complex relationships between characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around privacy, trust, and the consequences of secrets within a family. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about justice and truth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, as the characters' concerns and tensions are palpable.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is engaging and reveals important information about the characters and the plot.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its suspenseful atmosphere, intriguing characters, and compelling mystery.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and eager to uncover the truth.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a standard structure for a detective investigation, with clear progression and character development.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the tension surrounding Billy's disappearance and the urgency of Wesley's investigation. However, the dialogue can feel a bit expository at times, particularly when Susanne explains Billy's reading habits. This could be shown through action or visual cues rather than told directly, which would enhance the scene's subtlety.
  • Wesley's character comes across as somewhat detached, which fits his role as an investigator, but it might benefit the scene to show more of his emotional stakes regarding the case. A brief internal monologue or a flashback could provide depth to his character and make the audience more invested in his journey.
  • The transition between the bedroom and the locker room feels abrupt. While it serves to juxtapose the domestic concern with the high school environment, it could be smoother. Consider adding a visual or auditory cue that links the two locations, such as a sound from the locker room that echoes into Billy's room.
  • The humor in Wesley's comments about the messy room and the embarrassing moment is a nice touch, but it risks undermining the gravity of the situation. Balancing humor with the seriousness of the investigation is crucial; perhaps a more somber reaction from Susanne could ground the scene more effectively.
  • The text-to-voice message from Billy is a clever device to convey his absence and the family's dynamics. However, it could be more impactful if it were integrated into the scene rather than presented as a separate moment. For instance, having Wesley receive the text while in Billy's room could create a more immediate emotional response.
Suggestions
  • Consider showing Billy's personality through his belongings rather than relying on dialogue. For example, include specific titles of books that reflect his character or interests.
  • Add a moment where Wesley reflects on his own relationship with his son, perhaps through a brief flashback or a thought that crosses his mind as he investigates Billy's room.
  • Smooth the transition between the bedroom and the locker room by using a sound cue, like the distant echo of a locker slamming, to create a connection between the two scenes.
  • Reassess the balance of humor and seriousness in Wesley's dialogue. Ensure that any comedic moments do not detract from the emotional weight of the investigation.
  • Integrate the text-to-voice message into the scene more fluidly, perhaps by having Wesley receive it while he is still in Billy's room, allowing for a more immediate reaction and connection to the investigation.



Scene 8 -  Desperation in Confinement
INT. THE MILLENNIUM ROOM

Yellow walls and tan carpet. Garish. Millennium Pop and Rock
icons litter the walls.

"Oops, I Did It Again," softly PLAYS through the walls.

Brightly colored furniture. A twin size bed with red and blue
colored bedding.

Chain links CLINK as an ankle in a manacle SHIFTS.

Billy shifts in his bed dressed in a pair of old food stained
gym shorts. He curls in the bed as his hands cover his ears.

BILLY
Make it stop...please.

LATCH OPENS. A cut out under the door. Food tray SLIDES in.
Spaghetti with meat sauce. No utensils.

Billy turns and sees the food. Stomach GROWLS. He crawls out
of bed and walks to the plate, chain DRAGGING.

He stares at the plate.

BILLY
Can I have a fork please.

UNKNOWN VOICE (O.S.)
Eat your food.

BILLY
I need a fork.

UNKNOWN VOICE (O.S.)
I'm not going to tell you again.

Billy CHOKES UP.
20.


BILLY
I have dirty hands... I don't
like being dirty.

Footsteps WALK AWAY. Billy SLAMS his fist into the door.

BILLY
Please!!!

Billy presses his back onto the door and SLIDES to a sitting
position.

He grabs the plate. His bare hand shakes hovering over the
food. He grabs a hand of noodles and sauce. BITES into it.

His face is smeared with sauce. It DRIPS all over him.

INT. KIM'S HOUSE

A bright and cheery kitchen. Wesley and Kim sit across. Wesley
writes in his note pad.

KIM
Billy was going to play video
games with Shawn - they always
hang.

WESLEY
Anything else?

KIM
We just made out in the park.

Wesley glances up from his notes.

WESLEY
Any competition?

KIM
Everyone knows that even if there
was, Billy would want what's best
for both of them.

A text ALERT.

WESLEY
I just sent you my number. I
don't care if it's midnight. You
think of something call me.

Kim nods her head in agreement as Wesley stands.
21.


KIM
Will you find him?


EXT. BACK PATIO

Smoke wafts through a porch light. Coach Emilio takes a DRAG
of a Maduro cigar.

COACH EMILIO
What can I tell you? Billy's a
good kid. A's across the board.
We've lost the last two games.
Poor kids.

WESLEY
Coaches can be confidants. Was
he going through anything?

COACH EMILIO
A teenager who's father bought
the team a brand new ...
everything. He was going through
things.

WESLEY
Can you tell me about Shawn?

COACH EMILIO
If you think he did anything,
you're barking up the wrong tree.
The two of them are as tight as a
rusty bolt. Any time there's not
practice you can find Shawn at
Roger's Ice Cream Parlor.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In the Millennium Room, Billy, trapped and distressed, pleads for a fork to eat his spaghetti but is forced to use his hands by an unknown voice, highlighting his vulnerability. Meanwhile, in a bright kitchen, Kim expresses her concern for Billy to Wesley, who is investigating his situation. Coach Emilio later discusses Billy's character and his bond with Shawn, revealing deeper issues at play.
Strengths
  • Effective use of setting to create tension
  • Compelling emotional performances from the actors
  • Engaging mystery and high stakes
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue may be a challenge for some viewers
  • Some may find the scene too intense or suspenseful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a mystery surrounding Billy's disappearance. The emotional impact and sense of urgency are well-executed, keeping the audience invested in the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on the mystery of Billy's disappearance and the emotional impact on his family and friends, is engaging and well-developed.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is compelling and moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and raising the stakes for the characters involved.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique setting and situation, with a focus on the protagonist's internal struggles and emotional journey. The dialogue and actions feel authentic and contribute to the sense of confinement and desperation.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are well-defined and their emotions and motivations are effectively portrayed, adding depth to the unfolding mystery.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo emotional changes and face new challenges, setting up potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Billy's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his sense of cleanliness and dignity despite his circumstances. His fear of being dirty and his desire for a fork to eat his food reflect his deeper need for control and autonomy.

External Goal: 7

Billy's external goal is to find a way to cope with his confinement and the lack of utensils to eat his food. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing emotional turmoil, uncertainty, and the mystery of Billy's disappearance.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the unknown voice's authority and disregard for Billy's needs creating conflict and tension. The audience is left uncertain of how Billy will navigate this opposition.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the characters facing the unknown and desperate to find answers and protect their loved ones.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, raising the stakes, and deepening the mystery surrounding Billy's disappearance.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unknown voice's authority and Billy's unexpected actions and reactions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Billy's desire for cleanliness and control, and the unknown voice's authority and disregard for his needs. This challenges Billy's beliefs about his own agency and autonomy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of fear, desperation, and concern for the characters involved.

Dialogue: 7

The limited dialogue in the scene is impactful and conveys the characters' emotions and desperation effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, sensory descriptions, and the protagonist's struggle for agency and control. The audience is drawn into Billy's internal journey and the challenges he faces.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension and emotional stakes effectively, with a balance of dialogue and action. The rhythm of the scene enhances the impact of the protagonist's internal journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension and emotional stakes. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a stark contrast between Billy's grim situation in the Millennium Room and the brighter, more hopeful environment of Kim's house. This juxtaposition heightens the emotional stakes and emphasizes Billy's isolation.
  • Billy's dialogue is poignant and conveys his desperation effectively. However, the use of the phrase 'I have dirty hands... I don't like being dirty' could be expanded to provide more insight into his character and his emotional state. This line feels somewhat abrupt and could benefit from additional context or internal monologue.
  • The introduction of the UNKNOWN VOICE is intriguing, but it lacks depth. Providing a hint of the voice's identity or motivation could enhance the tension and mystery surrounding Billy's captivity. As it stands, the voice feels somewhat generic and could be more menacing or personal.
  • The transition between Billy's distress and the conversation between Wesley and Kim is somewhat jarring. While it serves to provide exposition, the shift in tone could be smoother. Consider using a visual or auditory cue to bridge the two scenes more effectively.
  • The dialogue between Wesley and Kim is functional but lacks emotional weight. While it serves to advance the plot, it could be enriched with more subtext or emotional resonance, particularly given the gravity of the situation with Billy.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Billy as he struggles with the food, which could provide deeper insight into his character and the psychological impact of his situation.
  • Enhance the UNKNOWN VOICE's dialogue to make it more distinctive or threatening. This could involve using a specific tone or choice of words that reflects the character's personality or intentions.
  • Smooth the transition between Billy's scene and the conversation with Kim by incorporating a visual element, such as a close-up of Billy's face or a sound effect that fades into the next scene, to maintain emotional continuity.
  • Revise the dialogue between Wesley and Kim to include more emotional stakes. For example, Kim could express her fears or doubts about Billy's safety, which would add depth to her character and the situation.
  • Consider using more descriptive language to convey the atmosphere of the Millennium Room. This could include sensory details that evoke the feeling of confinement and despair, enhancing the reader's connection to Billy's plight.



Scene 9 -  Desperate Pursuit
INT. ROGER'S ICE CREAM PARLOR

Bright lights. Shawn serves an ice cream cone to Wesley.

WESLEY
You and Billy close?

SHAWN
We always hang out. He wanted to
work here actually, but his dad
would never allow him to be a
member of the working class.
He'd have to commit Hara-kiri,
you feel me?

WESLEY
Nothing unusual?
22.


SHAWN
Rich kids are weird, but not Billy.
I was watching a show about how
important the first 48 hours are
in a case like this. He's been
gone for three weeks. I mean,
can you actually find him?

Wesley looks at his ice cream and then back to Shawn.

WESLEY
Life ain't always beautiful kid,
ya feel me?

Wesley leaves.

EXT. ROGER'S ICE CREAM PARLOR

Wesley takes a bite out of the ice cream as he crosses the
parking lot.


EXT. VICTOR'S HOUSE

Wesley drives down a long dirt driveway to a house surrounded
by acres of nothing.

His car comes to a stop in front of the house. Wesley climbs
out of his car.

He approaches the house. Metal FOOTSTEPS. Wesley looks down.
A drawbridge before the front porch. Easy twenty foot drop.


INT. VICTOR'S HOUSE

Teacup to Victor's lips as he SIPS and sits across from Wesley.

VICTOR
I am uncertain how exactly I can
be of service to the investigation.

WESLEY
Billy's been gone for 23 days. I
have no leads. I'm trying to pin
down his final movements before
he went missing. It's the pieces
of the puzzle I have to assemble.

VICTOR
Puzzles are a fine way to pass a
rainy day.
23.


Wesley studies Victor.

WESLEY
You observe High School athletes
often?

VICTOR
More often than I'd like, Mr.
Hunter.

WESLEY
Anything unusual catch your eye?

VICTOR
High school drama. All pretty
routine.
Wesley looks Victor up and down.

WESLEY
You have a sixth sense for spotting
talent and not.

Victor smirks.

VICTOR
Talented athletes are everything
I am not. Diamonds in the rough
with futures worth investing in.

WESLEY
Sounds like your not a fan.

Victor CHUCKLES the comment aside.

VICTOR
Fans purchase tickets, Mr. Hunter.
I am wined and dined. I give out
SWAG, and as much as I loathe it,
I do find comfort that athletics
may be the final bastion where
meritocracy reigns supreme. Still,
I've outgrown small town football
victories.

WESLEY
Outgrown or pushed away.

A twinkle of rage in Victor's eye.

VICTOR
I believe I speak for the both of
us when I say we come from a more
(MORE)
24.


VICTOR (CONT'D)
rugged age. Where you had to be
good enough to wear the jersey's
and play on that... fresh cut
grass.

WESLEY
I'm pretty sure my son's good
enough to play on his team. God
knows I can't afford college.

VICTOR
Does he have the Prospect App?
It gives him a direct link to the
recruiters and great work out and
nutrition information.
WESLEY
There's an app for everything. I
won't take anymore of your time
Mr. Campus.

VICTOR
I trust you can let yourself out.

Wesley heads for the front door. A bookshelf. Military Academy
Year Book - 2001. He takes note.
Genres: ["Mystery","Drama","Crime"]

Summary In this tense scene, Wesley seeks information about his missing son, Billy, while at Roger's Ice Cream Parlor with Shawn, who shares insights about Billy's character. Wesley then confronts Victor at his home, but Victor's dismissive attitude and focus on athletics provide no leads. The emotional distance between Wesley's desperation and Victor's aloofness is highlighted, culminating in Wesley's discovery of a military academy yearbook on Victor's shelf as he leaves.
Strengths
  • Intriguing mystery setup
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Engaging themes
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue feels forced
  • Emotional impact could be stronger

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the central mystery, establishes key characters, and creates a tense atmosphere. However, some dialogue could be more impactful and the pacing could be tightened.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a missing person investigation intertwined with high school dynamics and class issues is engaging and sets up multiple layers of conflict and intrigue.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging, introducing a central mystery and setting up various character arcs and conflicts. The scene moves the story forward and lays the groundwork for future developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique characters and situations, such as the class divide and the technological aspect of the Prospect App. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters' motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are intriguing, with hints of complexity and hidden motivations. More development and depth could enhance the impact of their interactions.

Character Changes: 6

There are subtle hints of character growth and change, particularly in Wesley's investigation approach. More explicit development of character arcs could enhance the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Wesley's internal goal in this scene is to find out more about Billy's disappearance and to piece together the puzzle of his final movements. This reflects his deeper need for closure and his fear of not being able to solve the mystery.

External Goal: 7.5

Wesley's external goal is to gather information from Victor about Billy's whereabouts and to potentially find leads in the investigation. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in solving the case.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict present, both in the central mystery of the missing person and in the underlying tensions between characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and hidden agendas that create obstacles for the protagonist. The audience is left wondering how Wesley will overcome these challenges.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderately high, with a missing person case and underlying tensions between characters adding layers of complexity and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing key plot points, character dynamics, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the dialogue and the revelation of new information about the characters' motivations. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the scene will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Victor's view of meritocracy in athletics and Wesley's perspective on the class divide and the struggles of working-class families. This challenges Wesley's beliefs about fairness and opportunity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The emotional impact is somewhat muted, with more focus on setting up the mystery and character dynamics. Developing emotional stakes further could enhance the scene.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is functional but could be more dynamic and revealing of character traits. Some exchanges feel slightly forced or expository.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic dialogue and the mystery surrounding Billy's disappearance. The tension between the characters and the unfolding investigation keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue and action that keeps the audience engaged. The rhythm of the scene builds tension and suspense, leading to a satisfying conclusion.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8.5

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Wesley and Shawn effectively establishes their relationship and provides insight into Billy's character. However, the humor in Shawn's lines about 'Hara-kiri' feels somewhat out of place given the serious context of Billy's disappearance. This could detract from the emotional weight of the scene.
  • Wesley's line, 'Life ain't always beautiful kid, ya feel me?' is a poignant moment that reflects his weariness and the gravity of the situation. However, it could be strengthened by providing more context or emotion, perhaps by showing Wesley's internal struggle or frustration more vividly.
  • The transition from the ice cream parlor to Victor's house is somewhat abrupt. While it serves to move the plot forward, adding a brief moment of reflection or a visual cue could enhance the flow and emotional resonance of Wesley's journey.
  • Victor's character is intriguing, but his dialogue could benefit from more subtext. While he presents himself as dismissive and condescending, adding layers to his motivations or feelings about Billy's case could create a more complex antagonist.
  • The scene ends with Wesley taking note of the military academy yearbook, which is a good setup for future plot points. However, it could be more impactful if Wesley's reaction to the yearbook was more pronounced, indicating its significance to him and the investigation.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising Shawn's humor to better align with the serious tone of the scene. This could involve making his observations more reflective or insightful rather than comedic.
  • Enhance Wesley's emotional state by incorporating more internal dialogue or visual cues that show his concern and frustration about Billy's disappearance.
  • Add a brief moment of reflection for Wesley as he leaves the ice cream parlor, perhaps a visual of him looking back or a thought that emphasizes his worry for Billy.
  • Deepen Victor's character by including hints of his personal stakes in the situation or his past experiences that inform his current attitude, making him a more nuanced character.
  • When Wesley notices the military academy yearbook, consider adding a line of internal dialogue that reveals his thoughts or suspicions about its relevance, creating a stronger connection to the investigation.



Scene 10 -  Tension and Laughter: A Tale of Two Rooms
INT. THE MILLENNIUM ROOM

Car door SHUTS. Engine ROARS. Billy rises as headlights flood
the window curtains.

The chain drags as he rushes the window and POUNDS.

BILLY
I'm in here!

BANG BANG BANG!

BILLY
Turn around!

The door OPENS. Billy turns to gaze upon a menacing Victor.
Cattle-prod in hand.

VICTOR
It's time to practice Billy.

Billy's defiant. Electric CRACKLE. Billy's eyes fill with
dread.
25.


EXT. ABANDONED ELSINORE NAVAL ACADEMY - LATER

An expansive Spanish style 1920s building with a turnaround
drive way. Broken down water fountain in the front. Claimed
by time.

BANG BANG BANG


INT. ABANDONED ELSINORE NAVAL ACADEMY

Flashlights stream in as the wooden plank TUMBLES to the ground.

Ben, Chris, Tucker and Jason enter.

The lights illuminate the room revealing crumbling walls. A
broken down GRAND PIANO's final resting place in the corner.

At the piano Tucker presses a key. COMICALLY out of tune.

TUCKER
John legend would be so angry.

Jason looks around and then at Chris.

JASON
Girls?

Chris shines the light on Jason who covers his eyes.

CHRIS
Who said they were alive, bruh?

BEN
Tucker, did you bring your Ouija
Board?

TUCKER
Text Messages from Hell are a bad
idea.

Phones ALERT. The boys reach in their pockets.

BEN
Who had Jason looking for girls
on their Bingo cards anyway?

Jason doesn't walk in.

JASON
I don't like it here.
26.


CHRIS
Are you scared? Do you need a
diaper, or a binki so you can
sucky sucky?

Laughter ERUPTS.

Metallic KNOCKS make the boys JUMP. They all scan with their
flashlights.

TUCKER
The app said it's time to get
something to eat.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary In a tense scene, Billy finds himself trapped in the ominous Millennium Room, desperately trying to call for help as Victor enters with a cattle prod, signaling a threatening confrontation. Meanwhile, a group of friends—Ben, Chris, Tucker, and Jason—explores the eerie Elsinore Naval Academy, exchanging jokes and light-hearted banter about ghosts and the spooky surroundings. The stark contrast between Billy's fear and the boys' humor creates a dynamic tension, culminating in a startling metallic noise that hints at an impending scare.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Compelling character interactions
  • Eerie atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Possible need for more character development for Victor
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through its setting, dialogue, and character interactions. The sense of danger and fear is palpable, keeping the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a character being confined in a mysterious and dangerous situation is compelling and engaging. The scene effectively explores themes of fear, desperation, and the unknown, drawing the audience into the story and setting up future developments.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is focused on Billy's confinement and the menacing presence of Victor, creating a sense of danger and urgency. The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and obstacles for the characters to overcome.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a familiar situation, blending elements of suspense and danger with character dynamics and conflict. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene, particularly Billy and Victor, are well-developed and engaging. Their interactions and dialogue reveal their motivations and personalities, adding depth to the scene and driving the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 7

Billy undergoes a significant change in the scene as he is confronted with a life-threatening situation and forced to confront his fears and vulnerabilities. This experience will likely have a lasting impact on his character and future actions.

Internal Goal: 8

Billy's internal goal in this scene is to resist and defy Victor's menacing presence and demands, reflecting his fear and dread of the situation he finds himself in.

External Goal: 7

Billy's external goal is to survive and escape the threatening situation with Victor, highlighting the immediate danger and challenge he faces.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with Billy facing a dangerous and life-threatening situation. The presence of Victor and the cattle-prod adds to the sense of danger and urgency, creating a tense and suspenseful atmosphere.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Victor's menacing presence and control posing a significant challenge to Billy's resistance and defiance.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with Billy facing a life-threatening situation and the danger of Victor's menacing presence. The outcome of the scene will have significant consequences for the characters and the overall story.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and obstacles for the characters to overcome. Billy's confinement and the menacing presence of Victor set the stage for future developments and conflicts in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected actions and reactions of the characters, creating a sense of tension and uncertainty.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the power dynamics between Victor and Billy, with Victor asserting control and dominance over Billy's resistance and defiance.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, evoking feelings of fear, anxiety, and desperation in the audience. The sense of danger and uncertainty surrounding Billy's confinement adds to the emotional intensity of the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is tense, impactful, and reveals important information about the characters and their motivations. The exchanges between Billy and Victor create a sense of fear and danger, adding to the scene's suspense.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, suspenseful atmosphere, and character dynamics that keep the audience on edge.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense gradually, leading to a climactic confrontation between the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting that enhance readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, building tension and suspense through character interactions and setting descriptions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively contrasts the tension of Billy's captivity with the light-hearted banter of the boys exploring the abandoned naval academy. However, the transition between these two tones could be smoother to maintain narrative flow. The abrupt shift from a life-threatening situation to comedic dialogue may confuse the audience about the stakes involved.
  • Billy's desperation is palpable, but the dialogue could be enhanced to deepen the emotional impact. Instead of just shouting for help, consider adding more internal thoughts or fears that he might express, which would allow the audience to connect more with his plight.
  • Victor's menacing presence is established well with the cattle prod, but his motivations and character could be fleshed out further. A line or two that hints at his backstory or why he is targeting Billy could add depth to the antagonist and raise the stakes.
  • The boys' dialogue is humorous and relatable, but it risks undermining the tension established in the previous scene. Balancing humor with the underlying horror of Billy's situation is crucial. Consider incorporating moments where the boys' banter is interrupted by reminders of the danger they are in, perhaps through eerie sounds or unsettling visuals.
  • The setting of the abandoned naval academy is intriguing, but it could be described with more vivid imagery to enhance the atmosphere. Instead of just stating that the walls are crumbling, consider using sensory details that evoke the decay and eeriness of the place, which would heighten the tension.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of silence or a sound cue that interrupts the boys' banter, reminding them (and the audience) of the danger Billy is in, which would create a more effective contrast between the two scenes.
  • Enhance Billy's dialogue by incorporating more emotional depth. For example, he could express fear or frustration in a way that reveals his character and makes the audience empathize with him more.
  • Introduce a line from Victor that hints at his motivations or past, which would make him a more compelling antagonist and provide context for his actions.
  • Incorporate more sensory details in the description of the abandoned naval academy to create a more immersive atmosphere. Use metaphors or similes to evoke feelings of dread or nostalgia.
  • Consider using a visual motif or sound that connects the two scenes, such as a recurring sound that Billy hears in the Millennium Room that also echoes in the naval academy, creating a thematic link between the two locations.



Scene 11 -  A Night of Reflection
INT. THE DINER - LATER
The boys sit at a table with a pile of nachos, milk shakes and
burgers and fries in front of them. The place is PACKED.

BEN
Have you made up your mind?

BEN
I don't think I'm going to go.

All the boys stare.

TUCKER
You can't skip homecoming.

CHRIS
If you're weird about it you don't
have to take a date, but you have
to go.

Jason shakes his head and sips his milk shake.

BEN
You're the team captain!

JASON
Guys, it's been a rough year.
Then, Liz got weird. I have to
make sure my dad's okay.

CHRIS
He's suppose to make sure you're
ok. Spoiler alert!

JASON
Look, I just need...
27.


MICHELLE (O.S.)
...to understand that you boys
have a curfew?

Michelle is at the boy's table. Coffee in hand.

JASON
Everyone and their mother cares
for who I'm taking to homecoming.

MICHELLE
Any special boys in mind?

THE BOYS
Oooooooh!
JASON
What is it with you people!?

Chris RUBS the top of Jason's head as he looks down.

CHRIS
We just want you to be happy.

TUCKER
Myself, I'm a Bible believing
Christian, so I don't want you to
go to hell, but you do you fam.

MICHELLE
Let me give you a ride home.


INT. MICHELLE'S CAR

The car drives. Uncomfortable silence.

MICHELLE
I want to let you know I get it.

JASON
Makes one of us.

MICHELLE
I've known Wes since before you
were born. He is that guy. He's
lucky to have you.

JASON
I should be lucky to have him.

MICHELLE
Aren't you?
28.


Jason stares off into the night and then remembers.

JASON
Can you take me somewhere?

MICHELLE
Not Las Vegas.

JASON
Just around the corner.


EXT. CEMETERY

Michelle gives Jason his space as he stands at a headstone.
"Lindsay Hunter 1983 - 2023 Loving Wife, Devoted Mother. 'Live
Your Truth'".

JASON
Happy birthday. I never got to
tell you. I probably didn't have
to. You were way more on it than
dad ever is. I miss you.

Jason fiddles with his bracelet.

Jason walks up to Michelle. Watery eyes, Michelle pulls him
in with an arm over his shoulder.

MICHELLE
Let's get you back home.


EXT. WESLEY'S HOUSE

Jason exits Michelle's car. CLOSES the door.

MICHELLE
If you need anything I'm a phone
call away.

JASON
Yes Ma'am.

Jason turns and heads toward the house.


INT. WESLEY'S HOUSE

Wesley sleeps on the couch, an empty bottle rests just below
his hand. The front door OPENS and Jason enters.

Jason shakes his head as he grabs the empty bottle.
29.


A blanket floats over and rests over Wesley. Jason takes his
cell phone and sets the alarm.

Jason walks to his bedroom.
Genres: ["Drama","Coming-of-age","Mystery"]

Summary In a bustling diner, Jason grapples with the pressure of attending homecoming amidst personal turmoil, including his father's struggles and the recent loss of his mother. Supported by friends Ben, Tucker, and Chris, he ultimately finds solace in Michelle, who offers him a ride and understanding. The scene shifts to Michelle's car and a cemetery, where Jason expresses his grief at his mother's grave. Returning home, he discovers his father asleep on the couch, underscoring the troubled family dynamic.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Exploration of family dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external action
  • Slow pacing in some parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys deep emotions and character development, setting up important themes and conflicts for future development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring personal loss, family relationships, and self-discovery is well-executed, providing a strong foundation for character development and thematic exploration.

Plot: 7

The plot progression focuses on character introspection and emotional growth, setting up important conflicts and relationships for future development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on teenage friendship dynamics and family relationships, with authentic dialogue and emotional depth. The characters' actions and dialogue feel genuine and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Jason's emotional journey and relationships with his father and deceased mother being central to the scene's impact.

Character Changes: 8

Jason undergoes significant emotional growth and introspection in the scene, deepening his character arc and setting up future development.

Internal Goal: 8

Jason's internal goal is to come to terms with his grief over the loss of his mother and his strained relationship with his father. This reflects his deeper need for emotional healing and understanding.

External Goal: 7

Jason's external goal is to navigate the pressures of high school social events like homecoming while dealing with personal family issues. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on Jason's inner struggles and relationships rather than external action.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from Jason's internal conflicts and external pressures, creating a sense of uncertainty and tension. The audience is unsure of how Jason will navigate his challenges.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are more emotional and personal, focusing on Jason's internal struggles and relationships rather than external threats.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening character relationships and conflicts, setting up important developments for future plotlines.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional depth and character revelations, keeping the audience engaged and invested in Jason's journey.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of family responsibility and personal happiness. Jason struggles with balancing his own needs and desires with the expectations of others, highlighting a clash of values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, drawing the audience into Jason's journey of reflection and growth.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and relationships, adding depth to the scene's exploration of personal struggles and family dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its relatable characters, emotional depth, and realistic dialogue. The audience is drawn into Jason's internal struggles and relationships with his friends and family.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, allowing for moments of reflection and connection between characters. The rhythm enhances the impact of key moments.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a character-driven drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the camaraderie among the boys, showcasing their personalities through their dialogue. However, the dialogue can feel a bit on-the-nose at times, particularly when discussing Jason's reluctance to attend homecoming. It might benefit from more subtlety or subtext to convey their concerns without explicitly stating them.
  • The introduction of Michelle adds a layer of complexity to the scene, but her transition from the boys' table to the car feels abrupt. It would be helpful to establish a smoother transition that highlights her role as a supportive figure in Jason's life, perhaps by showing her observing the boys' banter before intervening.
  • Jason's emotional turmoil regarding his father and his mother's birthday is a significant theme, but it could be more deeply explored in this scene. While he expresses his feelings, the emotional weight could be enhanced by incorporating more internal conflict or flashbacks that illustrate his struggles.
  • The use of humor, particularly through Tucker's line about being a 'Bible believing Christian,' adds levity to the scene, but it risks undermining the emotional stakes. Balancing humor with the serious undertones of Jason's situation is crucial to maintain the scene's overall tone.
  • The ending of the scene, where Jason enters his house to find Wesley asleep on the couch, is poignant but could be strengthened by a more visual representation of their relationship. Perhaps including a moment where Jason hesitates before entering or a brief flash of memory could enhance the emotional impact.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to include more subtext, allowing the audience to infer the boys' concerns about Jason's well-being rather than stating them outright.
  • Create a smoother transition for Michelle's entrance by showing her observing the boys' conversation before stepping in, which would help establish her as a caring figure in Jason's life.
  • Incorporate more internal conflict for Jason, possibly through brief flashbacks or visual cues that illustrate his emotional struggles regarding his mother and father.
  • Balance the humor with the emotional stakes by ensuring that comedic moments do not overshadow the seriousness of Jason's situation. This could involve placing humor in lighter contexts or using it to highlight character dynamics.
  • Enhance the emotional impact of the ending by adding a moment of hesitation or reflection for Jason before he enters the house, which could visually represent his complex feelings about his father and their relationship.



Scene 12 -  Fractured Bonds
INT. JASON'S BEDROOM

Jason PEELS most of his clothing off as he walks to his bed.

He climbs in and CURLS under the covers. Closes his eyes.


EXT. TEMECULA VALLEY HIGH SCHOOL GRIDIRON

An illuminated field. AUSTIN, 17, longer hair, and a rugged
uniform leads the Titans onto the field.

Stands ERUPT as Shawn and the other Bears that the field.
Victor watches.

Austin catches a ball. Touchdown. Victor's head tilts.

Spectators CHEER as helmets CRASH together.

Austin runs the field agile as a cat.

Shawn catches the ball. Intense TACKLE at the sidelines.

Austin gets off his seat and helps him up as he takes the field.
Austin's eyes narrow as the crowd BOOS.

AUSTIN
Your town is crazy.

SHAWN
Tell me about it.

A final countdown. Austin barely stands. The ball is HIKED.
Austin BOLTS.

A ball flies through the air. Austin CATCHES it. Cleats
DIGGING. Austin spins dodging one tackle attempt. Then
another.

Hearts POUNDING. Austin runs as fast as he can. Seconds from
the end zone.

Victor watches.

Almost there.

SLAM! Austin is SACKED two yards from the line. The student
rolls off of Austin and the Bears all gather and CELEBRATE.
30.


Austin gets to his knees and PULLS off his helmet. Deep breaths
and he squeezes the helmet and throws it with cries of
frustration.


EXT. LONELY ROAD - LATER

Austin carries a gym bag and now wears a metal T-shirt and
ripped blue jeans. Thick glasses.

A dog RAVISHES a fence. Austin falls back into the street.

Headlights turn off. ECHO of a car door OPENING and CLOSING.

Austin stands, DUSTS himself off.
Austin walks by the car. A 2001 Ford Expedition. Twigs SNAP.

AUSTIN
Hello?

Austin starts to walk faster. FOOTSTEPS run. Austin tries to
RUN.

A figure in black from the shadows SLAMS Austin's shin with a
baton. Austin falls with a CRY, glasses TUMBLE away. Austin
tries to crawl. HIT, SCREAMS.

Blurred vision a dark figure puts a white cloth over his mouth.

BLACKNESS.


INT. WESLEY'S LIVING ROOM - MORNING

4:29am. Eyes open WIDE.

4:30am. Phone alarm SCREECHES.


INT. GYM

Wesley runs on the treadmill.

Pull ups.

Dead-lifts.

A POUNDING punching bag.

Wesley VIES into a swimming pool.

LAP.
31.


LAP.

LAP.

The sudden SHOCK of an ice bath.


INT. WESLEY'S HOUSE - LATER

Front door OPENS and Wesley is greeted by a quiet house.

Wesley moves into the kitchen. No Jason.

Outside Jason's bedroom Wesley KNOCKS. Silence. Wesley CREEK
the door open. Empty. Wesley tilts his head taking it in.
Attached garage door opens and Wesley observes just a motorbike.

Wesley observes Wesley's Letterman Jacket on the hall tree as
he pulls out his phone. No missed calls or text messages.

Fridge OPENS. Wesley shakes his head and closes it.

A note on the microwave: "Heat for 90 seconds. Love you Dad."

Buttons PRESS. BEEP BEEP BEEP. The microwave HUMS.

Wesley sits at the dining room table. Two empty plates. BITES
his food. DRINKS some coffee. Fingers TAP.

STAPLE.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary The scene unfolds with Jason preparing for bed, signaling exhaustion from the day's events. Meanwhile, Austin showcases his determination on the football field but faces frustration when tackled just short of a touchdown. Later, he is attacked on a lonely road, leaving him incapacitated and unconscious. The focus shifts to Wesley, who is concerned about Jason's whereabouts, discovering a note from their father that deepens his worry. The emotional tone transitions from the excitement of the game to tension and fear during the attack, culminating in Wesley's solitary reflection on their strained relationship.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Mysterious abduction plotline
  • Emotional family dynamics
  • Suspenseful investigation
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue
  • Slight lack of clarity in certain character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines intense sports action with a mysterious abduction, emotional family dynamics, and a suspenseful investigation, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of combining sports drama with mystery and family dynamics is unique and engaging, offering a fresh perspective on traditional genres.

Plot: 8

The plot is compelling, with multiple layers of conflict and intrigue that drive the story forward and keep the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar sports setting but adds a fresh perspective with detailed character interactions and internal conflicts. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed, with complex motivations and relationships that add depth to the scene. The emotional dynamics between the father and son, as well as the mysterious figures involved in the abduction, create tension and intrigue.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes in their relationships and motivations, setting up potential arcs for future development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove himself on the football field and gain the respect of his peers. This reflects his deeper need for validation and acceptance.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to win the football game and score a touchdown. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces on the field.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with high levels of conflict, both physical and emotional, which heighten the stakes and drive the tension forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing physical challenges on the football field and internal conflicts regarding teamwork and personal success.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the scene, including the abduction of a main character and the emotional turmoil within the family, create a sense of urgency and importance that propels the narrative forward.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing key conflicts, characters, and mysteries that will drive the narrative in subsequent scenes.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the football game, such as the protagonist being sacked just yards from the end zone.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between personal ambition and team loyalty. The protagonist's desire to succeed individually conflicts with the need to work together as a team.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly in the father-son relationship and the suspense surrounding the abduction.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, adding depth to their interactions and driving the plot forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense action, and emotional character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and excitement, with a balance of action sequences and character interactions that keep the story moving forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with distinct transitions between locations and actions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a sports drama genre, with a buildup of tension, a climax during the game, and a resolution that sets up future conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene transitions between Jason's bedroom and the football game effectively, but the shift in tone could be more pronounced. The emotional weight of Jason's actions in his bedroom contrasts with the high-energy atmosphere of the football game, yet the transition feels abrupt. Consider adding a moment of reflection or a visual cue that connects Jason's internal state with the external chaos of the game.
  • Austin's character is introduced in a way that highlights his athleticism and determination, but the scene lacks depth in exploring his emotional state after the failed touchdown. The frustration he experiences is evident, but it could be enhanced by including internal thoughts or a brief flashback that illustrates his motivations or pressures, making the audience empathize with him more.
  • The dialogue between Austin and Shawn is minimal and lacks distinct character voices. While it serves to establish camaraderie, it could benefit from more personality and conflict. Consider adding a playful or competitive banter that reveals their friendship dynamics and individual traits.
  • The action sequences during the football game are visually engaging, but they could be more dynamic with varied sentence structures and pacing. The use of short, punchy sentences during the action can heighten tension and excitement, while longer sentences can be used for moments of reflection or build-up.
  • The transition from the football game to the attack on Austin is jarring. The sudden shift from a celebratory atmosphere to a violent encounter could be smoothed out with a more gradual build-up of tension. Perhaps foreshadowing the danger with subtle hints in the environment or Austin's demeanor could create a more cohesive flow.
  • The introduction of Wesley's morning routine is a nice touch, but it feels disconnected from the preceding events. It would be beneficial to tie Wesley's actions back to the overarching narrative, perhaps by showing his concern for Jason or hinting at the impending danger that Austin faces.
Suggestions
  • Add a moment of introspection for Jason before he goes to bed, perhaps reflecting on his day or his relationship with his father, to deepen his character development.
  • Incorporate more dialogue between Austin and Shawn that showcases their personalities and the stakes of the game, making their friendship feel more authentic.
  • Use varied sentence lengths and structures during the football action to create a more dynamic and engaging reading experience.
  • Foreshadow the attack on Austin by introducing subtle hints of danger in the environment, such as shadows or unusual sounds, to create a sense of unease leading up to the incident.
  • Connect Wesley's morning routine more explicitly to the events of the previous scenes, perhaps by showing his concern for Jason or his awareness of the missing boys, to maintain narrative cohesion.



Scene 13 -  Chaos and Concern: The Missing Player Investigation
EXT. STREET - MORNING

Billy's missing posters STAPLES to a post. Michelle PULLS up
behind Wesley.

MICHELLE
Wes!

He turns to face her.

MICHELLE
You're going to want to get in.

Wesley shows the posters.

WESLEY
I'm working.

MICHELLE
There were 20,145 missing person
cases in California yesterday.
32.


WESLEY
And?

MICHELLE
Today there's 46.

Wesley stares at Michelle.


INT. MICHELLE'S CAR - CONTINUOUS

Wesley BUCKLES his seat belt as the car moves forward.

WESLEY
What do we know?
MICHELLE
Male, 17, football.

WESLEY
Runaway ruled out?

MICHELLE
Too many parallels. I just need
our help to make sure we don't
scare them into thinking there's
a serial killer loose.

WESLEY
We don't have a body. Is there a
serial killer?

MICHELLE
Play it cool.

WESLEY
I live for playing it cool.


EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - LATER

Section 8 housing. Michelle KNOCKS on a door. A cat SCREAMS,
boxes FUMBLE. In a moment the latch UNLOCKS.

BRUCE, 40, addled, stained wife-beater and boxer shorts,
clenches a bottle of SPICED RUM as he opens the door.

BRUCE
Yeah?

MICHELLE
I'm special investigator Wolf.
I'm the lead investigator to your
son's disappearance.
33.


BRUCE
Uh-huh.

Michelle motions back to Wesley.

MICHELLE
This is detective Wesley Hunter.

Bruce DRINKS from the bottle.

BRUCE
Uh-HUH...

JASMINE (O.S.)
God-Damn-IT! Let them in!
BRUCE
Oh, yeah, of course.

Bruce steps aside. Michelle enters followed by Wesley.


INT. APARTMENT

A white cat on a book shelf WHIPS it's tail.

A tabby on the table looks and then returns to napping

A calico rubs against Wesley's leg with a PUR.

WESLEY
You have cats.

BRUCE
I like to think of it as they
have me. Have you found my little
bastard yet. The trouble he
causes. All he cares about it
football.

Jasmine, 33, blonde, rail thin, wears daisy dukes, matted hair.

JASMINE
Have you found my baby?

BRUCE
She's always like this.

Jasmine DRINKS her coffee. Face sours.

JASMINE
I forgot the creamer!

Jasmine returns to the kitchen. Refrigerator door OPENS.
34.


JASMINE
Bruce!!!! It's empty! Empty
creamer! What am I going to do?

BRUCE
Just take it black like you take
everything else!

MICHELLE
We actually can't afford to come
back.

BRUCE
All things considered I think I
deserve the way God cursed me.
Wesley SNEEZES.

WESLEY
Sorry, I'm mildly allergic to
cats.

A HARD SNEEZE forces Wesley to turn toward a bookshelf. A cat
lays on top of a year book: Elsinore Naval Academy.

MICHELLE
Do you need to step outside?

Wesley WIPES his nose.

WESLEY
You went to the Naval academy.

BRUCE
I did!

WESLEY
My parents were going to enroll
me my freshman year but it closed.

Bruce CHUCKLES.

BRUCE
Probably for the better.

Wesley PULLS out pink allergy pills.

WESLEY
Water?

JASMINE (O.S.)
It's in here!
35.


Wesley enters a disaster of a kitchen. Jasmine grabs a dirty
glass. FILLS it with water. Hands it to Wesley.

WESLEY
No filter?

JASMINE
The apartment complex takes care
of that. You know? Bruce calls
it cheating on him, but he was
fine with it when he was high.

Wesley rolls his eyes.

WESLEY
What's a little legionaries
disease?

Wesley pops the pills, swallows the water, returns to the living
room.

MICHELLE
Given the circumstances, we can't
rule out foul play.

JASMINE
Foul play?

Jasmine storms in from the kitchen.

JASMINE
You mean like in football? Austin
was on the football team!

Wesley retrieves a card from his pocket.

BRUCE
So, you haven't found him yet?

MICHELLE
We're working around the clock.

WESLEY
I have both our numbers on this
one. If you hear anything back
by the next time we make contact,
call us right away.

Bruce takes the card.
Genres: ["Mystery","Crime","Drama"]

Summary Michelle and Wesley investigate the disappearance of a 17-year-old football player, visiting his distressed parents, Bruce and Jasmine, in their chaotic apartment. The scene blends urgency with dark humor as Michelle tries to maintain professionalism while gathering information, and Wesley navigates his cat allergy amidst the family's disarray. Tension rises as the parents express their anxiety, particularly Jasmine's frustration over trivial matters, highlighting the dysfunctional dynamics at play. The scene concludes with Wesley providing his contact information to Bruce, underscoring the ongoing investigation.
Strengths
  • Engaging plot
  • Well-developed characters
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Intriguing mystery
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly forced or cliched

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up a mysterious and tense atmosphere, introduces intriguing characters, and advances the plot with the investigation into the missing person case.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a missing person investigation involving a football player and the introduction of quirky characters adds depth and intrigue to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is engaging, as it advances the investigation into the missing person case, introduces new clues and suspects, and sets up further developments in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the missing person investigation genre by focusing on the internal and external goals of the protagonist, as well as incorporating unique character dynamics and dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are well-developed, with unique personalities and motivations that drive the plot forward.

Character Changes: 7

Some characters show subtle changes in their behavior and attitudes, particularly in response to the missing person case.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to solve the missing person case and ensure they don't scare the missing person into thinking there's a serial killer loose. This reflects their desire to protect and serve the community while also showcasing their investigative skills and empathy.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find the missing person and rule out foul play. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in solving the case and ensuring the safety of the missing person.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene has a high level of conflict, both in terms of the missing person case and the interpersonal dynamics between the characters.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting perspectives on the missing person case, the challenge of ruling out foul play, and the mystery surrounding the disappearance adding layers of complexity and intrigue.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters are dealing with a missing person case involving a football player, with potential dangers and mysteries at play.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by advancing the investigation, introducing new clues, and deepening the mystery surrounding the missing person case.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the missing person case, the conflicting perspectives on foul play, and the dark humor interspersed throughout the dialogue.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of foul play and the different perspectives on what that could mean. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the case and how they approach solving it.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, eliciting feelings of concern, frustration, and desperation from the characters and the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the tension, desperation, and mystery of the missing person investigation, as well as the quirks and dynamics of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, intriguing mystery, and dynamic character interactions. The tension and suspense keep the audience invested in the outcome of the missing person case.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, maintaining a sense of urgency, and keeping the audience engaged in the unfolding mystery.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of urgency and tension surrounding the missing person case, particularly through the statistics presented by Michelle. However, the dialogue could benefit from more emotional weight to convey the gravity of the situation. Wesley's responses feel somewhat detached, which may undermine the emotional stakes of the investigation.
  • The character dynamics between Wesley, Michelle, Bruce, and Jasmine are intriguing, but the humor interjected by Bruce and Jasmine can feel jarring against the backdrop of a serious topic like a missing child. While dark humor can work, it should be balanced carefully to maintain the scene's overall tone.
  • The introduction of the cats as a visual motif is interesting, but it could be more thematically tied to the characters' emotional states. For instance, the cats could symbolize neglect or chaos in the household, reflecting the parents' inability to manage their lives amidst the crisis of their missing son.
  • Wesley's allergy to cats is a nice touch that adds a layer of character detail, but it could be used more effectively to create tension or humor. For example, if his sneezing interrupts a critical moment in the conversation, it could heighten the stakes or add to the chaos of the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. The transition from the serious discussion about the missing boy to the chaotic domestic environment could be smoother. Consider using more visual cues or actions that bridge these two tones, allowing the audience to feel the contrast without it feeling abrupt.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the emotional stakes by allowing Wesley to express more personal investment in the case, perhaps through a brief flashback or a line that connects his own experiences with missing persons or family struggles.
  • Consider reducing the amount of humor in Bruce and Jasmine's dialogue to maintain a more consistent tone. If humor is used, it should serve to deepen the characters rather than distract from the urgency of the situation.
  • Explore the symbolism of the cats further. Perhaps they could be used to reflect the family's dysfunction or the chaos surrounding the missing child, creating a more cohesive thematic element throughout the scene.
  • Utilize Wesley's allergy to cats as a plot device that interrupts the flow of conversation at a critical moment, adding tension and humor simultaneously. This could serve to highlight the absurdity of the situation while keeping the audience engaged.
  • Rework the pacing by incorporating more transitional actions or reactions that connect the serious discussion with the chaotic domestic environment, ensuring that the audience can follow the emotional shifts without feeling disoriented.



Scene 14 -  Tensions and Weekend Plans
EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX

Wesley and Michelle are walking toward the car.
36.


WESLEY
I don't care what you think -

MICHELLE
That was insane?

They reach the car and Michelle heads to the driver's side.
The door OPENS as Wesley looks back.

WESLEY
Still...?

SCHOOL BELL RINGS.


EXT. ELSINORE HIGH SCHOOL QUAD - DAY
Jason eats lunch with Ben, Chris, Tucker and Elizabeth. MARK,
17, skinny, black hair, thick black glasses, fashionably dressed
with a prominent star of David NECKLACE, wraps his hands around
Jason's eyes.

MARK
Guess who?

Elizabeth rolls her eyes as Jason smiles.

JASON
I don't know.

TUCKER
No one else has fingers that bony!

Mark playfully punches Tucker in the arm.

TUCKER
Jesus, I'm gonna need a shot!
How much is PrEp?

MARK
What's PrEp?

Elizabeth shakes her head, everyone else LAUGHS as Mark sits
beside Jason.

CHRIS
You might be the only one here
who actually needs to know that.

Mark rests his head on Jason's shoulder.

MARK
Sooo, coming to the matinee Sunday?
37.


JASON
Coming to the game next Friday?

Mark sits up straight.

MARK
Ugh, football?

BEN
You know, it's the football games
that subsidize the arts programs.

Mark sits up, GRABS one of Jason's chips.

MARK
Football and Economics? How do
you guys even enjoy your lunch?

Elizabeth gathers her stuff with a HUFF.

ELIZABETH
Some of us don't.

She stands up and walks away. Everyone looks as she leaves.

CHRIS
Was it something we said?

Mark SHRUGS. Returns attention to Jason.

MARK
Dance afterwards?

Mark puts the chip in his mouth. CRUNCH.

Jason looks as his food. Bag RUFFLES as he grabs chips.

Mark Rolls his eyes and sits back.

BEN
Hey, what's it like to be the
only one that cares about
something?

CHRIS
Seriously! For Christ's sake,
Jesus Freak over here was the
first one to notice it!

TUCKER
One, don't take the Lord's name
in vein.
38.


CHRIS
Didn't you just do that!?

Tucker punches Chris in the arm.

TUCKER
I'm going to go to confession
later. Two, I'm not a Jesus Freak.

JASON
We get it!

Tucker looks at Mark as he motions to Jason.

TUCKER
And three, we don't get him either.
Mark side eyes Jason.

JASON
It's just. You know? It's hard.

MARK
Well, can you figure it out by
homecoming? I have the cutest
outfit!
Genres: ["Drama","Teen"]

Summary Wesley and Michelle have a tense conversation about his actions as they walk to their car, revealing a disagreement. Meanwhile, at Elsinore High School's quad, Jason enjoys lunch with friends, including playful interactions with Mark. They discuss weekend plans, but Elizabeth's frustration leads her to leave the group, highlighting social tensions. The scene balances light-hearted banter with underlying conflicts, ending with Mark prompting Jason to sort out his feelings before homecoming.
Strengths
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Humorous tone
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot progression
  • Low conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively portrays the dynamics between the characters and sets a light-hearted tone while subtly hinting at underlying tensions.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of showcasing high school lunchtime interactions is engaging and relatable, providing insight into the characters' lives.

Plot: 6

While the scene doesn't significantly advance the main plot, it adds depth to the characters and their relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on high school dynamics with unique character interactions and realistic dialogue that captures the essence of teenage life.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, each with distinct personalities and dynamics that drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 4

While there are subtle shifts in character dynamics, significant character changes are not prominent in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate social interactions and fit in with his peers while also dealing with personal struggles and insecurities.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to maintain relationships with his friends and potentially explore romantic interests.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict is minimal, mainly revolving around light-hearted banter and differences in personalities.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with conflicts arising from differing opinions and personal beliefs among the characters.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are low in this scene, focusing more on character interactions and dynamics.

Story Forward: 5

The scene provides insight into the characters' relationships and personalities but does not significantly move the main story forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting dynamics between characters and the unexpected reactions to certain situations.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the characters who prioritize different aspects of high school life, such as sports, arts, and personal beliefs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene evokes a sense of nostalgia and captures the essence of high school friendships, but the emotional impact is not profound.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals the characters' personalities effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the relatable character dynamics, witty dialogue, and realistic portrayal of teenage interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the flow of dialogue and interactions between characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard screenplay formatting for its genre, making it easy to read and visualize the interactions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical high school setting structure with multiple character interactions and dialogue exchanges that flow naturally.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the dynamics of teenage friendships, showcasing humor and camaraderie among the characters. However, the dialogue can feel a bit forced at times, particularly with the jokes about 'PrEp' and 'Jesus Freak.' While these moments aim to inject humor, they may come off as overly scripted rather than natural.
  • The transition from the tense atmosphere of the previous scene to this light-hearted lunch scene is jarring. While contrasting tones can be effective, the abrupt shift may confuse the audience. It would benefit from a smoother transition or a brief moment that acknowledges the tension before diving into the humor.
  • Character development is somewhat lacking in this scene. While we see interactions among the group, there is little depth to their individual personalities beyond surface-level traits. For instance, Mark's character could be fleshed out more to explain his motivations or feelings about the upcoming events, particularly regarding homecoming.
  • Elizabeth's exit feels abrupt and lacks emotional weight. It would be more impactful if her frustration was more clearly articulated, perhaps through a line that reflects her feelings about the group's dynamics or her own struggles, rather than just leaving in silence.
  • The dialogue is often humorous, but it risks overshadowing the underlying themes of the story, such as the pressures of adolescence and the complexities of friendship. Balancing humor with moments of sincerity could enhance the emotional resonance of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or acknowledgment of the previous scene's tension before transitioning to the lunch scene. This could be a line or two that hints at the characters' awareness of the darker events surrounding them.
  • Enhance character development by giving each character a distinct voice or perspective in the conversation. For example, Mark could express his feelings about the upcoming dance in a way that reveals more about his character, perhaps showing excitement or anxiety.
  • Make Elizabeth's departure more impactful by including a line that conveys her frustration or disappointment with the group. This could deepen the emotional stakes and provide insight into her character.
  • To maintain the humor while also addressing deeper themes, consider interspersing moments of sincerity within the banter. For instance, after a joke, a character could briefly reflect on their feelings about homecoming or the pressures they face, creating a more balanced tone.
  • Review the dialogue for naturalness. Aim for a more organic flow by allowing characters to interrupt each other or react more spontaneously to jokes, which can enhance the authenticity of their interactions.



Scene 15 -  Fractured Connections
INT. RICK'S CORNER EQUATION - EVENING

Billiard triangle BREAKS, SCATTERS ROLLING balls.

Wesley and Michelle sit at a table comparing notes.

MICHELLE
You really like this place? It's
a dive!

WESLEY
Cheap and unassuming. Probably
not going to run into any women
that want to ruin my life.

MICHELLE
Lindsay didn't ruin your life.

Wesley focus remains on his note pad.

MICHELLE
Did you know your son doesn't
know if he's going to homecoming
or not?

Cue stick SLAMS into the CUE ball. Colored ball SINKS.
39.


WESLEY
Of course he's going. It's
important to him.

MICHELLE
He doesn't know who to take.

WESLEY
Any girl he asks will say yes.

Cue stick SLAMS into cue ball. Colored BOUNCES off a corner.

MICHELLE
You're still in denial?

WESLEY
Are we working on a case or talking
about my son's sex life?

Wesley DOWNS his drink.

Cue stick SLAMS the cue ball and SINKS a COMBO stripe.

Wesley stands with his glass.

MICHELLE
You've had enough.

WESLEY
I have a designated driver.


INT. WESLEY'S DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Jason sits at a game of solitaire, goes through the deck. No
play.

Headlights BEAM through the windows. No play.

Jason THROWS cards down. SLAMS his fist into the table.

A car door OPENS, then shuts. A gate CREAKS and CLANGS.

Front door OPENS then SHUTS. Feet STUMBLE. Jason puts his
head between his hands.

Wesley leans against the front door. Takes off his jacket and
puts it on the hall tree.

Jason shakes his head.

JASON
Her birthday, and still not even?
40.


Wesley nods to himself and STUMBLES into the dining room,
CATCHES himself with a chair.

WESLEY
Jas...

Wesley PLOPS into the chair.

WESLEY
That's the reason I drank. Sorry.

JASON
What's going to be the reason
tomorrow? How about a reason to
stay sober. The homecoming game?
Jason stands and heads toward his bedroom.

WESLEY
Are you going to homecoming?

Jason STOPS dead in his tracks. Rubs his bracelet. His back
turned he glances at Wesley.

JASON
I don't know.

WESLEY
You really should ask a girl and
go. Something normal would do
you real good.

JASON
You think normal is in our cards?

Wesley notices the cards scattered across the table.

WESLEY
Don't go to bed angry.

Jason turns, enters his bedroom but looks back.

JASON
Make sure you make it to yours.

Door CLOSES. LOCKS.

Wesley approaches his bar set. OPENS decanter.

WESLEY
"Let's have children" she said.

POURS a drink into a glass.
41.


WESLEY
"It'll be fun," she said.

Wesley looks at his reflection in the mirror. Holds up a toast.

WESLEY
Cheers.

A drink and a cough. He looks at a bottle that glares back.

Wesley stumbles and leans against Jason's door.

WESLEY
I messed up.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In a billiard hall, Wesley and Michelle discuss Wesley's son, Jason, and his struggles with homecoming and social life. Wesley deflects serious topics while revealing his own battle with alcoholism. The scene shifts to Jason at home, where he expresses frustration over his father's drinking and the lack of support. Despite Wesley's encouragement to ask a girl to homecoming, Jason remains skeptical about normalcy. The scene concludes with Wesley reflecting on his choices and pouring himself a drink, highlighting the unresolved tensions within their family.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Tense atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys tension, emotion, and character dynamics through dialogue and actions, setting up intriguing plot developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring personal struggles, family dynamics, and investigative work in a dive bar setting is unique and engaging, adding depth to the overall story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene, revealing character motivations, conflicts, and setting up future developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on family dynamics and personal struggles, offering a unique take on familiar themes.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with complex emotions and relationships coming to the forefront in this scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters experience emotional growth and revelations in this scene, leading to potential changes in their arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

Wesley's internal goal is to come to terms with his past mistakes and the impact they have had on his relationships, particularly with his son.

External Goal: 7

Wesley's external goal is to maintain his composure and avoid further conflict with his son.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, adding tension and drama to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, creating conflict and uncertainty in the characters' relationships.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in terms of personal relationships, family dynamics, and the search for truth, adding urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing key information, deepening character relationships, and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in terms of the characters' emotional responses and the resolution of their conflicts.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of normalcy and whether it is attainable or desirable for the characters.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, creating a powerful and memorable moment.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging, revealing character dynamics, conflicts, and emotions effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional depth and relatable conflicts, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional intensity, enhancing the impact of the characters' interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a dramatic scene, enhancing the readability and impact of the dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively conveys the characters' emotions and conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the strained relationship between Wesley and Jason, showcasing their emotional turmoil and the impact of Wesley's drinking on their family dynamic. However, the dialogue can feel a bit on-the-nose at times, particularly when Wesley says, 'That's the reason I drank. Sorry.' This line could be more subtle, allowing the audience to infer his struggles rather than stating them outright.
  • The use of the billiard hall as a setting is interesting and adds a layer of atmosphere, but it could be more thematically tied to the characters' emotional states. For instance, the game of billiards could serve as a metaphor for their lives—scattered and chaotic—if this were more explicitly drawn out in the dialogue or visuals.
  • The transition between the billiard hall and Wesley's home is somewhat abrupt. While it serves to juxtapose Wesley's social life with his home life, a smoother transition could enhance the flow of the scene. Perhaps a line of dialogue or a visual cue could bridge the two locations more effectively.
  • Jason's emotional state is well portrayed through his actions, such as throwing cards and slamming his fist on the table. However, his dialogue could be more impactful if it included more subtext. For example, instead of stating, 'What's going to be the reason tomorrow? How about a reason to stay sober?' he could express his frustration in a more indirect way, allowing the audience to feel his pain without explicitly stating it.
  • The ending of the scene, where Wesley reflects on his past with a drink in hand, is poignant but could benefit from a stronger visual or auditory cue to emphasize his isolation. Perhaps a close-up shot of the drink or a lingering shot on his reflection could enhance the emotional weight of the moment.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising Wesley's dialogue to be more subtle and layered, allowing the audience to infer his struggles rather than stating them directly.
  • Enhance the thematic connection between the billiard game and the characters' emotional states, possibly by incorporating more metaphorical language or visuals that reflect their chaotic lives.
  • Create a smoother transition between the billiard hall and Wesley's home, possibly through a line of dialogue that reflects on the contrast between the two settings.
  • Revise Jason's dialogue to include more subtext, allowing his frustration and emotional turmoil to come through without being overly explicit.
  • Add a stronger visual or auditory cue at the end of the scene to emphasize Wesley's isolation and emotional state, such as a close-up of the drink or a lingering shot on his reflection.



Scene 16 -  Contrasting Paths
INT. JASON'S BEDROOM

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK. No response.

WESLEY (O.S.)
I'm...sorry...

Jason's window is open and his bed is empty.


INT. WESLEY'S HOUSE

Wesley EXHALES.

WESLEY
I'll do better.


EXT. LONELY ROAD - NIGHT

Jason walks along, Eva by Orgy PLAYS in his ears.

Jason grabs a rock, hurls it through the air.

Jason continues on as headlights of a car turn onto the road.

A text ALERT. Jason grabs his phone. The car creeps closer.

Jason fumbles the phone.

Almost catches it, almost catches it. An untied shoelace,
Jason FALLS to the ground with an UMPHF.

Jason reaches out and grabs his phone. Not broken. DISMISS
the PROSPECT APP NOTIFICATION.

He turns over and ties his shoe. The car gets closer.
42.


Jason stands and DUSTS himself off.

The car passes.


INT. MARK'S BEDROOM

Curtains BLOW through open windows of a bedroom that is musical
theater central. "Phantom of the Opera," "Les Miserables,"
and "Mary Martin's Peter Pan," posters decorate the walls.

Mark's bed is overflowing with stuffed animals and plush velvet
pillows on top of silk sheets.

Mark wears designer silk pajamas topped off with an ascot.
Before a mirror he reads a monologue.
MARK
Am I immortal? To have drained
half the elixir of immortality is
to be but, half immortal. My
forever is thus "trunk-a-tid,"
and null.

Mark looks down at his script.

MARK
"Trunk-a-tid," is that even a
word?

Mark pulls out his cell phone and sits at his desk chair with
his legs under him in the seat.

MARK
What is the definition of "Trunk-
a-tid?"

PHONE
I don't understand your question.

MARK
What is the definition of
T.R.U.N.C.A...

Out of the corner of his eye Mark sees a moment in his mirror
outside the window.

Still sitting, Mark faces the window.

PHONE
In mathematics and computer
science, truncation is limiting
the number of digits right of the
decimal point.
43.


Mark ignores the window and stands refocuses on his performance.

MARK
To have drained half the elixir
of immortality is to be but half
immortal. My forever is thus
turn...

Bushes RUSTLE. Mark quickly turns.

MARK
HELLO?!

Mark slowly steps toward the window. Curtains FLOW.

Bedroom door behind Mark OPENS. He SHRIEKS. GLORIA, 45, Short
black hair, peaks in.

MARK
Jesus, fuck??? Mom!

GLORIA
What's wrong?

MARK
Knock! What if I was like, you
know, doing stuff?!

Gloria rolls her eyes and CHUCKLES.

GLORIA
I'd thank God I finally had a
normal son.

Mark blushes.

MARK
I thought I saw someone outside.

GLORIA
There's cats everywhere in this
neighborhood.

MARK
It's probably just a big... cat...

Mark shakes his head trying to get back into his head space.

GLORIA
Do you need anything?

Script in hand, Mark approaches his mother.
44.


MARK
How do you pronounce this?

Mark points at the word, looks at the window.

GLORIA
Truncated.

Gloria notices his attention is torn.

GLORIA
You look like you need a warm
glass of chocolate milk.

Mark quickly readjusts his composure.
MARK
I would love that!!!!

Gloria pinches Mark's cheek and smiles as she leaves.

Mark rolls his eyes, rubs his cheek. Mark returns his attention
to the mirror. Takes a breath.

Bushes RUSTLE. Mark turns around.

Mark SHUFFLES to the window. Peers out.

Arms reach up and PULL Mark outside.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In a poignant scene, Jason walks alone on a desolate road at night, grappling with feelings of isolation while Wesley expresses regret over their strained relationship. Meanwhile, in a vibrant bedroom, Mark rehearses a monologue but is interrupted by his caring mother, Gloria, who lightens the mood with playful banter. The scene juxtaposes Jason's melancholy solitude with Mark's lively interactions, culminating in suspense as Mark is unexpectedly pulled out of his window.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Intriguing character dynamics
  • Compelling mix of tones and sentiments
  • Strong emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel forced or unnatural
  • Transition between scenes could be smoother

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension, introduces intriguing character dynamics, and sets up high-stakes conflicts. The mix of tones and sentiments keeps the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on personal struggles, mystery, and high-stakes situations, is well-executed. The blend of different genres adds depth and complexity to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is engaging, with multiple storylines intertwining and building towards a climax. The introduction of conflicts and mysteries keeps the audience hooked and eager to see how events unfold.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique characters and situations, such as Mark's theatrical personality and Jason's internal struggles. The dialogue feels authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are well-developed, each with their own motivations, struggles, and unique personalities. Their interactions add depth to the narrative and drive the story forward.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters undergo changes or revelations in the scene, particularly in their emotional states and motivations. These changes drive the narrative forward and add depth to the character arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

Jason's internal goal is to cope with his emotions and possibly seek solace in music and solitude. His actions of throwing a rock and falling represent his inner turmoil and struggle.

External Goal: 6

Jason's external goal is to avoid the car on the road and continue on his journey. His actions of grabbing his phone and tying his shoelace reflect his immediate challenges.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with various conflicts, both internal and external, adding layers of tension and drama. The high-stakes situations and personal struggles create a sense of urgency and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene, such as Jason's encounter with the car and Mark's interaction with his mother, adds conflict and uncertainty to the story, keeping the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes in the scene are high, with characters facing personal struggles, mysteries, and dangerous situations. The sense of urgency and risk adds tension and drama to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, mysteries, and character dynamics. It sets up future events and keeps the audience engaged in the unfolding narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in its character interactions and plot developments, keeping the audience on edge and curious about the characters' fates.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a conflict between Jason's desire for solitude and the intrusion of the car on the road. This challenges his need for peace and reflection.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, eliciting feelings of fear, anxiety, and hopelessness from the characters' struggles. The audience is emotionally invested in the unfolding events.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is effective in conveying emotions, building tension, and revealing character dynamics. It adds depth to the interactions and enhances the overall atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional depth, character dynamics, and suspenseful moments. The reader is drawn into the characters' lives and struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, as well as allowing for character introspection and emotional depth. The rhythm of the scene enhances its impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct settings and character interactions. The pacing and formatting enhance the storytelling.


Critique
  • The scene effectively contrasts the emotional turmoil of Wesley with Jason's physical journey, creating a sense of tension and anticipation. However, the transition between the two characters could be more fluid to enhance the narrative flow.
  • Wesley's dialogue is minimal but impactful, conveying his regret and desire for redemption. However, it might benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of his relationship with Jason, which would deepen the emotional stakes.
  • Jason's actions, such as throwing a rock and fumbling his phone, effectively illustrate his frustration and distraction. However, the scene could explore his internal thoughts or feelings more explicitly to provide insight into his emotional state.
  • The introduction of Mark's character is whimsical and humorous, providing a stark contrast to the tension in Jason's storyline. However, the abrupt shift in tone may disorient the audience. A smoother transition or a thematic link between the two scenes could enhance coherence.
  • Mark's dialogue is clever and showcases his character's personality, but the humor may detract from the overall tension of the preceding scene. Balancing the comedic elements with the underlying seriousness of the narrative is crucial to maintain engagement.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Jason as he walks, allowing the audience to connect with his emotional state and motivations more deeply.
  • Enhance the transition between Wesley's regret and Jason's actions by incorporating visual or auditory cues that link the two scenes, such as a shared memory or a sound that resonates with both characters.
  • Explore Wesley's feelings of guilt further by including a moment where he reflects on a specific memory with Jason, which could add depth to his apology and make his desire to improve more relatable.
  • To maintain narrative tension, consider delaying the comedic elements in Mark's scene until after a moment of suspense or danger, ensuring that the audience remains invested in Jason's storyline.
  • Introduce a subtle foreshadowing element in Mark's scene that hints at the danger Jason is in, creating a sense of impending conflict that ties both characters' arcs together.



Scene 17 -  Chocolate Milk and Dirty Pajamas
EXT. MARK'S HOUSE

Bushes SHAKE as MUMBLES fill the air.

A hand over Mark's mouth, Wide-eyed and struggling Mark is
easily overpowered.

A mouth WHISPERS into his ear.

JASON
Guess who?

Mark stops struggling. Terror turns to frustration.

An elbow SLAMS into Jason's ribs. Jason lets go of Mark as he
laughs.

Mark stands and KICKS leaves onto Jason.

MARK
What is the matter with you?
Serial killers are real!
45.


JASON
So you leave your window open?

MARK
It gets hot!

GLORIA (O.S.)
Jason?


INT. MARK'S BEDROOM

Gloria holds the chocolate milk as Mark CLIMBS in through the
window. See's himself in the mirror, dirty pajamas.

Mark POUTS.
MARK
My pajamas!

GLORIA
I can get the stains out.

MARK
They're dry clean only!

Gloria turns to Jason.

GLORIA
Does your father know you're here?

JASON
It's possible to be too drunk to
know much of anything at any time.

GLORIA
You need a glass of chocolate
milk.

Mark's mouth gapes in betrayal as his mother hands Jason the
glass through the window.

JASON
Thank you ma'am.

Jason takes a drink and Mark's eyes narrow.

GLORIA
Would you like to stay the night?

MARK
My pajamas are dirty!

Jason smiles.
46.


JASON
I don't even have pajamas.

GLORIA
I'll go get the spare blankets.

Gloria leaves as Mark peers down at Jason.

JASON
Warm chocolate milk?

MARK
That's MY chocolate milk, Mister!

Jason takes another drink.
JASON
If you open the front door I'll
let you lick it off my lips.

Mark glares.

MARK
Crawl through the window.

Mark walks away. Jason grins ear to ear, takes another drink.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Comedy"]

Summary In a playful scene at Mark's house, Mark is startled by his friend Jason, who teases him about his open window and dirty pajamas. Their light-hearted banter is interrupted by Mark's mother, Gloria, who brings chocolate milk and questions Jason's presence. Mark feels betrayed when Gloria offers the milk to Jason, leading to humorous exchanges and playful antics between the boys, culminating in Jason drinking Mark's chocolate milk while Mark walks away in frustration.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of tension, humor, and character development
  • Authentic dialogue and performances
  • Engaging character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited impact on main plot
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends tension, humor, and character development, creating an engaging and memorable moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a late-night encounter between two characters, one of whom is intruding, is intriguing and adds depth to their relationship. The inclusion of humor and family dynamics enhances the scene.

Plot: 7

While the scene does not directly advance the main plot, it serves to develop the characters of Mark and Jason, adding layers to their personalities and relationships.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar scenario of unexpected guests but adds a fresh twist with the playful banter and dynamic between the characters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Mark, Jason, and Gloria are well-defined and engaging. Mark's fear and frustration, Jason's playful nature, and Gloria's comedic presence add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it does reveal more about Mark and Jason's personalities and their dynamic relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

Mark's internal goal in this scene is to assert his independence and protect his belongings, as seen through his frustration with Jason's intrusion and his concern over his dirty pajamas.

External Goal: 7

Mark's external goal is to maintain control over his personal space and belongings, as well as to navigate the social dynamics between himself, Jason, and Gloria.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Mark and Jason, as well as the comedic conflict with Gloria, adds tension and humor to the scene, keeping the audience engaged.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and power dynamics between the characters that create tension and drive the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character dynamics and humor than on high-stakes conflict.

Story Forward: 6

The scene does not directly move the main story forward but adds depth to the characters and sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' behavior and the shifting power dynamics.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of boundaries and personal space. Mark values his independence and privacy, while Jason challenges these boundaries with his playful and intrusive behavior.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, frustration, and amusement, creating an emotional impact on the audience and deepening the connection to the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension, humor, and dynamics between the characters. The exchanges feel natural and contribute to the scene's tone and atmosphere.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, dynamic character interactions, and the tension between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup, conflict, and resolution, effectively advancing the plot and character development.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a playful dynamic between Jason and Mark, showcasing their friendship through humor and light-hearted banter. However, the initial tension of Mark being overpowered could be enhanced by providing more context or stakes to the situation, making it clear why this moment is significant beyond just a prank.
  • The dialogue is witty and captures the essence of teenage interactions, but some lines, particularly Jason's quips, could be tightened for better comedic timing. For instance, the line about being 'too drunk to know much of anything' feels a bit heavy-handed and could be rephrased to maintain the light tone.
  • Gloria's entrance adds a nice layer of maternal concern, but her character could be fleshed out further. Consider giving her a more distinct voice or mannerisms that reflect her personality, which would make her interactions with both boys more memorable.
  • The physicality of the scene is engaging, especially with Mark's struggle and Jason's playful dominance. However, the transition from the outdoor struggle to the indoor conversation could be smoother. A brief moment of reflection or a shared laugh could bridge the two settings more effectively.
  • The ending of the scene, with Jason drinking Mark's chocolate milk, is humorous but could benefit from a stronger emotional beat. Perhaps Mark could express a deeper frustration or jealousy that adds complexity to their friendship, making the humor feel more layered.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of tension before Jason reveals himself, such as Mark's internal thoughts or fears about the potential danger, to heighten the stakes of the prank.
  • Revise some of Jason's dialogue for brevity and punchiness, ensuring that each line contributes to the humor without dragging the pace.
  • Develop Gloria's character by giving her a unique trait or catchphrase that reflects her personality, making her interactions with the boys more engaging.
  • Create a smoother transition between the outdoor and indoor settings by incorporating a shared laugh or a moment of realization that they are just being silly.
  • Introduce a moment of vulnerability or deeper emotion from Mark at the end of the scene, perhaps expressing his feelings about Jason's presence or their friendship, to add depth to the humor.



Scene 18 -  Seeking Comfort in the Night
INT. MARK'S BEDROOM - LATER

Mark's pajamas land in a hamper. He hurries to bed, wrapping
himself inside his bedding.

MARK
Ok!

Jason enters the room dressed in his T-shirt and boxer-briefs.
He carries a pillow, and climbs to the ground with the blankets.

MARK
The window's still open.

JASON
You get hot.

MARK
My pajamas are dirty.

JASON
Go close the window.

MARK
But I'm not wearing my pajamas!
47.


Jason rolls his eyes and stands. Mark watches Jason as he
rises.

Jason CLOSES the window. He glances back to Mark.

JASON
Ta-da!

Jason crawls back down to the blankets and pillow.

Mark leans over the edge of his bed.

MARK
Are you comfortable?

JASON
Comfortable enough.

Mark turns and lays on his back. Both face the ceiling.

MARK
Why were you out walking so late?

JASON
I had a mind to clear.

MARK
You wanna talk about it?

JASON
No.

Jason turns on his side facing away from Mark.

Mark's bed rustles as he faces away from Jason.

Mark closes his eyes.

JASON
Ever since my mom died.

Mark opens his eyes.

MARK
I could never imagine...

Jason's eyes water as he talks.

JASON
Neither could we. It was like my
mom knew everything and when she
was taken from us we had to be
the one's to figure it out.
(MORE)
48.


JASON (CONT'D)
I had to figure me out...have to.
My dad is too broken to pay
attention, and too drunk...
whatever.

MARK
Do you want a hug?

JASON
No.

Jason makes himself more comfortable, shrugs it off.

MARK
You have happy memories though,
right?

JASON
Like what?

MARK
Like, dad's play catch.

JASON
Compared to every other memory,
what's the importance of those?

Mark swallows hard. His eyes wander.

MARK
I love my mom, so it's not about
that. She's amazing, but, is she
pretending or does she actually
know how to shave a face? How do
you raise a kid to enter the world
of men when you know nothing about
that? Sometimes, I just wish.
How different would I be, ya know?

JASON
You're just fine Mark.

Mark lips tremble.

MARK
Sometimes, I don't feel like it.

A long pause.

JASON
Do you need a hug?

Mark nods in his blankets.
49.


MARK
Yeah...

Jason gets off the floor. Mark squirms as Jason lifts the
blanket to Mark's bed - crawls in behind him.

JASON
It's ok.

Jason wraps his arm around Mark. They lay there.

MARK
Jason?

JASON
Yeah?
MARK
I'm going to get hot if you don't
open the window.

Jason smirks.
Genres: ["Drama","Friendship"]

Summary In Mark's bedroom late at night, Mark hurriedly changes into bed as Jason enters, dressed casually. They discuss Jason's late-night walk and the emotional toll of his mother's death. Mark reveals his feelings of inadequacy and longing for guidance, leading to a vulnerable moment where they both seek comfort in each other. Jason, initially reserved, ultimately crawls into bed with Mark, offering a hug. Their exchange is filled with somber introspection, but they share a light-hearted moment about the heat of the blankets, highlighting their emotional connection.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Character development
  • Vulnerability
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Low external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a sense of intimacy and emotional depth through the dialogue and character interactions. It provides insight into the inner thoughts and feelings of the characters, creating a poignant and relatable moment.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of two friends opening up to each other about their innermost thoughts and struggles is compelling and relatable. It delves into universal themes of grief, self-discovery, and the complexities of family relationships.

Plot: 6

While the scene doesn't significantly advance the main plot, it provides important character development and emotional depth. It offers insight into the characters' motivations, fears, and relationships, enriching the overall narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene explores themes of identity, loss, and self-acceptance in a fresh and authentic way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel genuine and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and relatable, each grappling with their own emotional baggage and insecurities. Their interactions feel genuine and nuanced, adding depth to their personalities and relationships.

Character Changes: 8

Both characters experience emotional growth and vulnerability during the scene, opening up about their inner struggles and finding comfort in each other's presence. Their bond deepens, leading to a greater understanding of themselves and each other.

Internal Goal: 9

Mark's internal goal in this scene is to seek comfort and emotional support from Jason. This reflects his deeper need for reassurance and understanding.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to address the discomfort caused by the open window and to seek physical comfort by closing it.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The scene is low on external conflict but rich in internal conflict, as the characters grapple with their personal struggles, fears, and insecurities. The tension arises from their emotional vulnerabilities and the weight of their past experiences.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle but present in the characters' internal struggles and emotional barriers.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are more internal and emotional, focusing on the characters' personal struggles, fears, and insecurities. While there is no immediate danger or external threat, the emotional weight of their conversations adds depth and complexity to the narrative.

Story Forward: 5

While the scene doesn't significantly move the main plot forward, it provides crucial character development and emotional depth that enrich the overall narrative. It deepens the audience's connection to the characters and sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional revelations and the characters' complex inner struggles.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle with identity, parental influence, and self-acceptance. Mark and Jason grapple with their past experiences and how they have shaped their present selves.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, empathy, and hope in the audience. The raw and honest portrayal of the characters' emotions resonates deeply, creating a poignant and memorable moment.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is poignant, authentic, and reveals the inner thoughts and emotions of the characters. It captures the complexities of their relationships and struggles, creating a powerful and moving exchange.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the deep emotional connection between the characters and the vulnerability they display.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth, leading to a cathartic moment of connection between the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with distinct character actions and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a natural progression of dialogue and actions, leading to a poignant moment of emotional connection between the characters.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a moment of vulnerability between Jason and Mark, showcasing their friendship and the emotional weight they both carry. However, the dialogue can feel a bit on-the-nose at times, particularly when discussing their feelings about their mothers. Subtlety can enhance the emotional impact; consider allowing their emotions to be expressed through actions or less direct dialogue.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but there are moments where the dialogue could be tightened. For instance, the exchange about happy memories could be more concise to maintain the flow and keep the audience engaged. Reducing repetitive phrases or sentiments can help streamline the conversation.
  • The physicality of the scene is well-executed, with Jason's actions (closing the window, crawling into bed) providing a visual representation of their comfort and intimacy. However, the scene could benefit from more descriptive language to enhance the atmosphere. Adding sensory details about the room, the warmth of the blankets, or the sounds outside could create a more immersive experience.
  • The emotional stakes are present, but the scene could delve deeper into the characters' internal struggles. For example, when Jason mentions his father's drinking, it could be an opportunity to explore his feelings of abandonment or anger more explicitly. This would add depth to his character and make the audience empathize with his situation.
  • The humor at the end is a nice touch, but it feels slightly forced after such a heavy conversation. Consider integrating humor more organically throughout the scene to balance the emotional weight without undermining the seriousness of their discussion.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to be more subtle and nuanced, allowing the characters' emotions to come through in their actions and less direct statements.
  • Tighten the dialogue by removing repetitive phrases and focusing on key emotional beats to maintain pacing and engagement.
  • Add sensory details to the setting to create a more immersive atmosphere, enhancing the emotional weight of the scene.
  • Explore Jason's internal struggles more deeply, particularly regarding his father's alcoholism, to add complexity to his character and evoke empathy from the audience.
  • Integrate humor more organically throughout the scene rather than placing it at the end, ensuring it complements the emotional tone without feeling out of place.



Scene 19 -  Breaking Free
INT. THE MILLENNIUM ROOM

The manacle DIGS into Billy's ankle as he SCREAMS and Austin
pulls the CLANGING chain.

Billy BASHES his head against the wall. Austin stops and casts
the chain aside.

Austin turns and with a limp from his leg walks over and sizes
up the door.

He steps back and then HURDLES himself into the door. SLAM.
The hinges barely move.

SLAM. No use.

BILLY
We can't escape.

Austin throws himself at the door again.

AUSTIN
You were by yourself. Now there's
two of us. Come on, he won't be
gone forever.

Austin kicks at the door.

BILLY
I don't want to practice again.
50.


Austin SLAMS into the door.

AUSTIN
What?

BILLY
He's so mean.

Austin kneels by Billy. Puts his hand on his shoulder.

AUSTIN
I know your scared. If I can get
into the rest of the house then I
can probably find the key.

BILLY
You should be more scared than
you are.

AUSTIN
On my side of the tracks there's
a lot of scary shadows.

Austin's look of hope rubs off on Billy.

BILLY
What do you need?

Austin helps Billy to his feet. They both size up the door
and RUSH to it.

Last second: Billy FLINCHES back to his bed and Austin hits
the door alone.

Austin turns and rests his back on the locked door. He starts
to choke up.

AUSTIN
We have to fight Billy.

BILLY
I can't.

AUSTIN
Yes you can!

Austin walks up to Billy and pulls him off the bed onto his
feet. Austin stares into Billy's soul.

BILLY
WE can.

Billy nods in agreement. With abated breath the two ready
themselves.
51.


AUSTIN
One.

BILLY
Two.

AUSTIN AND BILLY
Three!

They charge the door, SLAM!

The hinges SHAKE loose.

BILLY
It's working!
They back up and then charge again. SLAM! Looser.

AUSTIN
One more time!

The two back up as far as they can. They look at one another
and SCREAM as they charge forward.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In the confined Millennium Room, Billy, chained and fearful, is encouraged by Austin to confront their captor and escape. Despite his initial reluctance, Billy gains confidence as they work together, charging the locked door multiple times. The scene shifts from tension and despair to hope and determination as they prepare to break free.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • High stakes and tension
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Pacing of action sequences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the high stakes and emotional turmoil of the characters, creating tension and a sense of urgency. The intense moments of struggle and the evolving relationship between Austin and Billy add depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of two characters trying to escape a dangerous situation is compelling and engaging. The scene effectively explores themes of fear, determination, and the power of teamwork in the face of adversity.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is focused on the characters' attempt to escape, driving the narrative forward and building suspense. The scene contributes to the overall story by showcasing the characters' resilience and the challenges they face.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the familiar theme of escape and survival, with unique character dynamics and a focus on internal struggles. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Austin and Billy are well-developed, with their fears, motivations, and evolving relationship effectively portrayed. The scene allows for character growth and showcases their strengths and vulnerabilities.

Character Changes: 8

Both Austin and Billy undergo significant character changes during the scene, transitioning from fear and doubt to determination and unity. Their growth and resilience are central to the narrative.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to overcome his fear and find the courage to fight back against their captor. This reflects his deeper need for survival and protection.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to escape the locked room and find a way to freedom. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing of being trapped and in danger.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as the characters face a life-threatening situation and must overcome their fears and doubts. The tension and stakes are high, driving the emotional impact of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing a difficult challenge that tests their courage and determination. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are extremely high in the scene, as the characters' lives are in danger and their survival depends on their ability to escape. The sense of urgency and peril adds tension and suspense to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by showcasing the characters' struggle to escape and their evolving relationship. The events in the scene contribute to the overall narrative arc and drive the plot towards resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because the outcome of the characters' actions is uncertain, adding to the tension and suspense of the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between fear and courage, as the protagonist struggles to find the strength to fight back despite being scared. This challenges his beliefs about his own abilities and resilience.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, hope, and desperation in the audience. The characters' struggles and the intensity of the situation create a powerful emotional resonance.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and determination. While the dialogue is impactful, there could be more depth and complexity to enhance the character dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, intense action, and emotional depth of the characters. The audience is invested in the outcome and rooting for the protagonists to succeed.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a rhythmic progression of action and dialogue that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions that are easy to follow.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear progression of action and dialogue that builds tension and suspense effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and urgency as Billy and Austin attempt to escape, but the dialogue could be more dynamic. The exchanges feel somewhat repetitive, particularly with Billy's reluctance and Austin's encouragement. This could be enhanced by varying their responses to reflect their emotional states more distinctly.
  • The physicality of the scene is strong, with clear actions that convey desperation. However, the emotional stakes could be heightened. While Austin's encouragement is present, Billy's fear could be explored further to create a deeper emotional connection for the audience. Adding internal thoughts or flashbacks could enrich the character's motivations.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the repeated attempts to break down the door could benefit from a more varied rhythm. Instead of just slamming into the door multiple times, consider incorporating moments of doubt or reflection between attempts, which would allow the audience to feel the weight of their situation more acutely.
  • The transition from despair to determination is a key moment, but it feels slightly abrupt. The moment where Austin inspires Billy could be expanded to show more of a struggle before they find their resolve. This would make their eventual success feel more earned and impactful.
  • The use of physical space is effective, but the description of the Millennium Room could be more vivid. Providing sensory details about the environment—such as the sounds, smells, or the oppressive atmosphere—would enhance the reader's immersion in the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more varied dialogue that reflects the characters' personalities and emotional states. For example, Austin could share a personal story that relates to their situation, making his encouragement more impactful.
  • Incorporate internal monologues or flashbacks for Billy to deepen his character and provide context for his fear. This could help the audience empathize with his struggle and understand his reluctance to fight back.
  • Introduce pauses or moments of hesitation between their attempts to break down the door. This could allow for character reflection and build tension, making the eventual success feel more significant.
  • Expand the moment of realization when Billy decides to fight back. Show a gradual shift in his mindset, perhaps through a visual cue or a significant line of dialogue that encapsulates his change in attitude.
  • Enhance the description of the Millennium Room to create a more vivid setting. Use sensory details to convey the oppressive nature of the space, which would heighten the stakes and immerse the audience in the characters' plight.



Scene 20 -  Desperate Escape
INT. VICTOR'S HOUSE

The hall outside the Millennium Room. The door to the room
BURSTS open and Billy and Austin fall into the hall.

A desperate LAUGHTER escapes them both.

They stand and head down the hallway. CLANG. Billy stops.
Austin looks back at him.

BILLY
Don't leave me.

AUSTIN
I have to find the key.

BILLY
No, please.

AUSTIN
I'm not going anywhere. Just
stay here.

Austin runs into the kitchen. OPENS one cabinet. Then the
other. Then another. No keys.

One by one, Austin RAMBLES through a silverware drawer, utensil
drawer miscellaneous holder drawer. No keys.
52.


In the living room is a secretary desk. Austin tries to open
it: LOCKED.

Austin finds a toolbox and opens it. He pulls out a hammer.

The hammer CRACKS into the secretary dresser. BAM, BAM, BREAK.
Wood splinters out.

Austin walks up to Billy with a hacksaw. Austin kneels down
and starts to saw away at the chain.

BACK and FORTH the blade slides along the chain.

BILLY
Is it working?!
AUSTIN
I think...

The hacksaw BREAKS.

BILLY
Come on!

AUSTIN
Let me try something else.

Austin leaves and Billy tugs at the chain. He WRESTLES with
it, pulling with all his strength.

BILLY
PLEASE!!!

Austin returns with a metal file.

Austin kneels down and sets the file atop where the saw had
been cutting. He takes the hammer and BEATS the file down.

BANG! BANG! BANG! The chain BREAKS apart.

Bill's eyes widen as they pull the chain off.

Austin pulls Billy up and they head to the front door. Grabbing
the nob and turning a dead bolt lock keeps them inside.

AUSTIN
No!


EXT. VICTOR'S HOUSE

A chair SHATTERS through a window on the porch. The boys climb
out and onto the porch.
53.


They smile at one another as they make their way to the front
porch exit.

The drawbridge is up. Hearts sink.

Billy WIMPERS as Austin looks over the edge in confusion.

AUSTIN
Fuck what? Who has a moat???

BILLY
I knew it...

ALERT.

VICTOR (O.S.)
And exactly what are you boys
doing outside?

Billy freezes.

Austin turns and behind Billy is a doorbell camera.

BILLY
...no...

VICTOR (O.S.)
It's past your curfew boys.

Billy STEPS back unable to breath. Austin watches as liquid
runs down Billy's leg.

Gears ENGAGE. Drawbridge lowers.

Austin grabs Billy's arm, tries to run. Billy doesn't budge
and Austin loses his grip.

AUSTIN
Come on!

Billy shakes his head and backs up to the window. Austin locks
eyes with Billy one more time. Looks at the door cam.

VICTOR (O.S.)
Good luck.

Austin BOLTS across the drawbridge.


EXT. VICTOR'S PROPERTY

Austin runs. He passes a tree. BEEP. A game camera.
54.


INT./EXT. VICTOR'S FORD EXPEDITION

Victor watches Ben and his father GARRET, 40s, shaved head and
fit, work in their garage on their 1973 Jenssen Interceptor
from a distance.

Garret motions to Ben.

GARRET
I'm too old to be getting down
their.

Ben smiles and lays on the mechanic dolly and ROLLS under the
car, tool in hand.

Victor smiles. His phone alerts. He opens it up.
Cam 1 - Austin races past the camera.

Victor STARTS his expedition.


EXT. VICTOR'S PROPERTY

Austin limps over a fallen tree as he continues.


INT. VICTOR'S FORD EXPEDITION

Victor turns down a gravel road. He drives.


EXT. VICTOR'S PROPERTY

Austin TRIPS. His head SLAMS against a rock. A MOAN of pain
escapes.

Austin takes a moment to catch his breath. He crawls to his
feet and STUMBLES past the shrubbery to approaching lights.


EXT. GRAVEL ROAD

Austin stumbles onto the street. He can't stand anymore. He
falls to the ground.

A white Ford Expedition comes to a stop. The car door opens
and a woman gets out.

WOMAN
Oh my God, are you okay? What
happened?

The woman kneels down. Austin looks up at her.
55.


WOMAN
What are you doing out here?

AUSTIN
Please...help...

The woman pulls out her cell phone. Tries to dial 911. "No
Signal."

WOMAN
I hate living out here! Can you
stand?

The woman tries to help Austin up. She's not strong enough.

Another set of headlights illuminate the scene. The car door
OPENS.

MAN
Is everything ok?

WOMAN
I don't know. I can't get him
up.

The man helps the woman lift Austin up who can barely stand.

MAN
Let's take him to my car.

They help Austin to a white ford expedition.

WOMAN
I love these cars, don't you?
Especially living out in the
sticks!

The man opens the passenger seat and they set Austin in.

MAN
I'll take it from here.

WOMAN
Bless your heart!

The woman leaves and the man gets into the driver's seat of
the car.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Billy and Austin manage to break free from their chains in Victor's house, but their escape is cut short by a moat surrounding the property. As Victor confronts them through a doorbell camera, Austin flees across the drawbridge while a paralyzed Billy is left behind. Austin collapses in the woods, where he is found and helped by a woman and a man in a white Ford Expedition.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Character development
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Pacing in certain moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension, suspense, and fear, keeping the audience engaged and rooting for the characters to escape. The high stakes and desperate situation create a sense of urgency and danger.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a daring escape from captivity in a high-stakes situation is engaging and well-executed. The scene effectively explores themes of survival, teamwork, and overcoming obstacles.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is gripping and propels the story forward, adding tension and suspense to the overall narrative. The escape attempt adds depth to the characters and advances the storyline.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements like a drawbridge and moat, adding a fresh twist to the familiar 'escape' scenario. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' actions, emotions, and motivations are well-developed in the scene. The dynamic between Billy and Austin, their fear, and determination add depth to their characters.

Character Changes: 7

Both Billy and Austin undergo a change in the scene, from fear and helplessness to determination and teamwork. Their character arcs show growth and resilience.

Internal Goal: 8

Billy's internal goal is to escape and survive the situation. This reflects his fear of being caught and his desire to stay alive.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find the key to escape from the house. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing a life-threatening situation and racing against time to escape. The tension and danger create a sense of urgency and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing multiple obstacles and challenges in their escape attempt. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will overcome each obstacle.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the characters' lives on the line and a race against time to escape captivity. The danger and urgency add intensity to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by adding tension, suspense, and danger to the narrative. The escape attempt propels the plot and advances the characters' journey.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected obstacles and twists the characters face in their escape attempt. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will overcome each challenge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the struggle between freedom and captivity. The characters are fighting to break free from their constraints and escape, which challenges their beliefs about control and autonomy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, suspense, and hope in the audience. The characters' desperation and determination resonate emotionally.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' fear, desperation, and determination to escape. It adds to the tension and emotional impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense action, and emotional conflict. The audience is invested in the characters' struggle to escape and survive.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast-paced and dynamic, with a sense of urgency that drives the action forward. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for a suspenseful action sequence. The scene directions and dialogue are well-organized and easy to follow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, obstacles, and a resolution. It effectively conveys the urgency and desperation of the characters' situation.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and urgency as Billy and Austin attempt to escape, but it could benefit from more emotional depth. The stakes feel high, yet the characters' emotional responses to their situation could be more pronounced. For instance, exploring Billy's fear and desperation in greater detail would enhance the audience's connection to him.
  • The dialogue is functional but lacks a sense of urgency and emotional weight. Phrases like 'Don't leave me' and 'I have to find the key' could be delivered with more intensity to reflect the dire circumstances. Consider adding more internal conflict or desperation in their exchanges to heighten the drama.
  • The physical actions of searching for keys and breaking open the secretary desk are visually engaging, but the pacing could be improved. The scene feels a bit rushed, especially during the moments of tension. Slowing down the action slightly to allow for more suspense could enhance the overall impact.
  • The introduction of the moat and the doorbell camera adds an interesting twist, but it could be foreshadowed earlier in the script to create a more cohesive narrative. The audience might benefit from hints about Victor's elaborate security measures before this moment, making the reveal more impactful.
  • The transition from the escape attempt to Austin's encounter with the woman and man feels abrupt. A smoother transition or a brief moment of reflection from Austin after the escape could help maintain the emotional flow of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the emotional stakes by delving deeper into Billy's internal struggle. Consider adding a moment where he reflects on what he might lose if they fail to escape.
  • Revise the dialogue to include more urgency and emotional resonance. For example, instead of 'I think...' when Austin is sawing, he could express more frustration or fear about the situation.
  • Consider adding a moment of hesitation or doubt from Billy as they attempt to escape, which could create a more dynamic conflict between the characters.
  • Foreshadow the moat and security measures earlier in the script to create a sense of inevitability and tension leading up to this scene.
  • Create a smoother transition between the escape and Austin's encounter with the woman and man. Perhaps include a moment where Austin reflects on their escape before he collapses, adding emotional weight to his physical exhaustion.



Scene 21 -  Tension and Terror
INT. VICTOR'S FORD EXPEDITION

Victor looks at Austin. Austin, weak, doesn't know what he's
looking at.
56.


Victor puts the car in gear and drives.


INT. THE MILLENNIUM ROOM - LATER

Wood CRACKS as Victor walks atop the knocked down door, Austin
over his shoulder.

Billy sits in the back corner of his bed head in his knees.

Victor carelessly drops Austin to the ground.

BILLY
Austin!

Victor kicks Austin in the ribs, but Austin doesn't stir.
Billy jerks in fear.

Victor reaches down and caresses the side of Billy's head.

VICTOR
You didn't run. You are a good
boy, but you are a team, and a
team who plays together...

Billy SCREAMS as Victor wraps a bundle of his hair in his fist.

VICTOR
...pays together!

Austin stirs. Victor reels his foot back.

BILLY
Please no.

VICTOR
You care about this gutter rat?
Because - believe me, the two of
you only have one thing in common.

BILLY
We're just kids!

Victor pulls Billy's hair and makes him look up into his eyes.

VICTOR
Just a kid? I'm going to teach
you just how strong you actually
are.

Victor throws Billy's head back as he releases his hair.
57.


INT. VICTOR'S HOUSE

Victor lifts the millennium room door back into place. BOARD
by BOARD the door is reattached.

Victor steps back and admires his work.


EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX

KNOCKS. Bruce opens. A panic.

BRUCE
I called as soon as I found it.

Bruce stands aside and lets Michelle and Wesley in.

INT. APARTMENT

Jasmine looms over a box sealed by an obnoxious amount of tape.

WESLEY
Not expecting a package?

BRUCE
Packages come from somewhere!

Bruce upends the box: "AUSTIN" emblazoned by black sharpie.
Michelle dead eyes Wesley.

MICHELLE
Like the Letterman?

WESLEY
The jacket was meant to be found.
They know where you live.

JASMINE
Dust for prints!

BRUCE
Yeah! Dust for prints!

WESLEY
There won't be any.

BRUCE
How do you know?

Wesley hands Michelle his phone and she takes it confused.

Wesley FLICKS open a pocket knife.
58.


WESLEY
I'm about to interfere with an
official investigation. I need
you to record it.

MICHELLE
Those are illegal.

WESLEY
Time and place Michelle. Time
and place.

Wesley raises his hand ready to stab.

BRUCE
Wait...no...no...that movie, what
if it's his head!

JASMINE
It can't be his head. We'd be
able to smell it.

BRUCE
Not if it was fresh!

Wesley and Michelle trade glances. Craziest shit they've heard.

Wesley STABS the seam - TEARS it back.

MICHELLE
I can have you arrested for that.

WESLEY
Not sure I look too good in
handcuffs.

Wesley PEELS the box back. Michelle photographs each item
stained with time.

Shoulder Pads.

Hip Pads.

Knee Pads.

Protective cup. A piece of paper falls from inside.

WESLEY
How old are these?

BRUCE
They're mine. He really wanted
to play. It was the only way we
could afford it.
59.


Bruce bends over and picks up the paper. His face goes ghost
white as he reads it.

Bruce rushes to the bathroom. SLAMS and LOCKS the door.

Michelle reads the paper to herself - dread. Faucet RUNS.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Victor drives Austin to the Millennium Room, where he brutally abuses him, asserting his dominance and instilling fear in Billy, who pleads for Austin's safety. Meanwhile, Bruce, Michelle, Wesley, and Jasmine discover a suspicious box containing items related to Austin, leading to panic and speculation about its implications. The scene is filled with dark tension as characters confront violence and the unknown, culminating in Bruce's frantic reaction after reading a paper from the box.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Character dynamics
  • Emotional impact
  • High stakes
  • Atmospheric setting
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Potentially triggering content

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through the interactions between the characters, creating a sense of dread and urgency. The dark tone and menacing atmosphere are well-executed, keeping the audience engaged and on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of captivity and manipulation is central to the scene, exploring themes of power and control. The scene effectively conveys the psychological impact of being held captive and the dynamics between the captor and captives.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is driven by the captives' attempts to escape and the captor's manipulation. It introduces high stakes and conflict, moving the story forward and heightening the tension.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of power dynamics and control, with unique character interactions and dialogue that feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Victor portrayed as a menacing and manipulative captor, while Billy and Austin exhibit fear and desperation. Their interactions drive the emotional impact of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional turmoil and face challenges that test their resilience and strength. Their experiences in captivity lead to growth and change, shaping their character arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assert dominance and control over the other characters, showcasing his power and authority.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to intimidate and instill fear in the other characters, establishing his dominance and control over them.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and high-stakes, driven by the captives' attempts to escape and the captor's manipulation. It creates a sense of urgency and danger, heightening the tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing difficult challenges and obstacles that keep the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the captives facing danger and manipulation from the captor. Their attempts to escape and the intense atmosphere create a sense of urgency and peril.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing high stakes, conflict, and emotional intensity. It advances the plot and deepens the audience's engagement with the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and dialogue.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of power, control, and manipulation. The protagonist's actions challenge the values of morality and empathy, highlighting the darker aspects of human nature.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, anxiety, and desperation in the audience. The interactions between the characters and the tense atmosphere contribute to the emotional intensity of the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the power dynamics and emotions of the characters, adding depth to their interactions. It enhances the tension and fear present in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and suspenseful atmosphere, as well as the high stakes and conflict between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of action, dialogue, and description to maintain tension and suspense.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, adhering to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a logical progression, building tension and suspense effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through Victor's menacing behavior and the physical abuse of Austin, which highlights the stakes for both Billy and Austin. However, the dialogue could be more impactful; it often feels expository rather than organic. For instance, Victor's lines could be more menacing and less straightforward to enhance the psychological horror of the situation.
  • The transition between the two locations (the Millennium Room and the apartment complex) feels abrupt. While it serves to juxtapose the horror of Victor's actions with the investigation, it could benefit from a smoother transition or a more explicit connection between the two scenes to maintain narrative flow.
  • Billy's emotional response is crucial, but it could be deepened. Instead of just pleading for mercy, consider showing more of his internal struggle or fear through his body language or internal monologue. This would create a stronger emotional connection with the audience.
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven. The initial moments with Victor and the boys are tense, but the shift to the apartment feels rushed. Consider extending the tension in the Millennium Room before cutting away, allowing the audience to fully absorb the horror of the situation.
  • The dialogue among Bruce, Michelle, and Jasmine in the apartment could be more dynamic. While it serves to convey urgency, it lacks distinct character voices. Each character should have a unique way of expressing their panic or concern, which would add depth to their interactions.
Suggestions
  • Enhance Victor's dialogue to make it more sinister and layered, perhaps by incorporating metaphors or taunts that reflect his twisted view of strength and control.
  • Consider adding a moment of silence or a pause after Victor's threats to heighten the tension before transitioning to the apartment scene. This would allow the audience to feel the weight of the moment.
  • Incorporate more physical reactions from Billy, such as trembling or hyperventilation, to convey his fear more vividly. This could be shown through close-ups or specific actions that illustrate his emotional state.
  • To improve the pacing, consider intercutting between the Millennium Room and the apartment more gradually, perhaps by showing a moment of realization or a clue that connects the two locations.
  • Revise the dialogue in the apartment scene to reflect each character's personality more distinctly. For example, Bruce could be frantic and irrational, while Michelle remains calm and analytical, creating a contrast that adds tension.



Scene 22 -  Shattered Lives
INT. APARTMENT BATHROOM

Bruce washes his face, gazes into a reflection that trembles.


INT. APARTMENT

Wesley, note in hand, Jasmine behind him.
WESLEY
What does that mean?

JASMINE
I need coffee!

Jasmine enters kitchen. Wesley studies: "He wants to kiss
it." Drawers OPEN. Utensils CLANG.

JASMINE
Why don't we ever have any cream!

Bathroom door BURSTS open. Bruce enters the bedroom down the
hall. Jasmine storms toward the bedroom.

JASMINE
You were suppose to get cream!

Jasmine presses between Wesley and Michelle and pushes past
them.

JASMINE
BRUCE!

Jasmine reaches the bedroom door.

BANG! Muzzle-flash.

Jasmine SCREAMS. Her cup SHATTERS on the ground. Michelle
whips out her pistol and rushes toward the bedroom, Wesley at
her heels.


INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM

Bruce on the floor. Blood SPLATTERED about. Wesley backs up.
60.


INT. APARTMENT BATHROOM

Wesley stands at the open door looking at the mirror.

Lipstick written across: "If you find him - I'm sorry."


INT. APARTMENT KITCHEN

Wesley grabs a dirty glass. Opens spiced rum. Pours a glass.
Drinks. Michelle enters.

MICHELLE
Back up is on the...

Wesley pours another glass.
MICHELLE
Are you drinking their rum?

WESLEY
He's not gonna drink it.

Wesley holds the glass to Michelle and after a pause she take
it.

WESLEY
This is insane. He couldn't tell
us why he was offing himself before
he did it? We were right here!


INT. VICTOR'S GARAGE - MORNING

The light is dim. Billy and Austin stand back to back. Billy
just in his shorts, Austin in an old Military School football
jersey.

Barbell's CLANG and BANG as the boys each hold one in their
hands, both weighted down. Both barbells are clipped to a
rope in the center and lead up to a pulley they bend around.
The ropes then descend and wrap around the neck of the boys.

If Austin loses his strength and starts to lower his weights
they will choke Billy and lift him to his tip toes. The same
is vice-versa.

Sweat beads roll down Austin's face further dampening the jersey
clinging to his frame.

The rope around his neck tightens and Austin GASPS.

Sweat glistens off Billy's struggling body, but lifts his
barbell loosening the tension off Austin.
61.


Victor paces back and forth WHIPPING the cattle prod.

VICTOR
I'm asking a lot of you two. I
know that, but I'm not asking the
impossible? Just a little
scrimmage between shirts and skins?

Billy's rope tightens around his neck, hoists him to his tip-
toes. Austin's veins bulge as his barbell lowers.

BILLY
Au...Stin...

Billy CHOKES. Austin emits a fierce YELL lifting the barbell.
Billy's rope slacks and he finds solid ground. Both boys teeter
on the brink.

Victor circles the boys. Victor stops eye to eye with Austin.

VICTOR
You'll thank me for this one day.

Austin SPITS in Victor's face, barbell tips, Billy struggles.

AUSTIN
I hate you!

Victor SEETHES. Victor walks to Billy. Wiping the spit from
his face Victor rubs it into Billy's chest.

Victor FLICKS the sweat off his fingertips.

VICTOR
Billy doesn't hate me, do you?

Billy doesn't meet Victor's gaze.

VICTOR
Yeah... smart.

Victor smiles as he returns to face Austin.

VICTOR
I'm not looking to earn your love,
or to earn anything from you.

Victor presses the cattle prod under Austin's chin.

VICTOR
But respect? You can beat respect
into someone.
62.


Victor stabs the cattle prod past Austin and into Billy's back.
Electricity CRACKLES as Billy SCREAMS.

Billy's barbell falls to his thighs. Austin is almost pulled
into the air. He STRUGGLES.

TEXT ALERT as a tablet lights up. Victor's attention is to
the tablet.

Austin starts to lose his strength and his barbell starts to
lower.

Billy regains his composure and pulls his up. The pressure
release from Austin and both find common ground.

AUSTIN
Please don't let go.

BILLY
We're going to die.

AUSTIN
Don't say that!

Billy MOANS in despair.

Austin re-adjusts his grip.

Victor smiles as he looks at the tablet and rushes back to the
two.

VICTOR
We made the front page!

Victor turns the tablet over to reveal a news article: "Tragic
Development in Missing Boys' Case." Victor reads the article:

VICTOR
Star athlete Billy Merit from
Temecula Valley High...

Victor walks over to Billy, who struggles.

VICTOR
Star athlete? You have quite the
reputation!

Billy struggles with his grip. Victor returns to the article.

VICTOR
Three weeks after the disappearance
of Merrit, another boy, Austin
Trout has gone missing after his
(MORE)
63.


VICTOR (CONT'D)
team suffered a close defeat at
the hands of Temescal Canyon.

Victor sets the tablet away from his gaze.

VICTOR
That's the problem with these
online articles. Everyone's more
concerned with SEO than journalism!

Victor walks in front of Austin.

VICTOR
Bruce Trout, forty years old, and
father of the second missing teen
has apparently committed suicide!

Victor stares in the eyes of Austin as he watches his world
fall apart. His heart SKIPS and he WHIMPERS.

Victor leans into Austin and puts his arm on his shoulder.

VICTOR
I didn't expect your old man to
go and do that. Wasn't in the
play-book. You have my deepest
condolences.

Austin's eyes water.

VICTOR
Life's so unpredictable! Like a
good game really. You win some,
and you know all about losing
some. Your old man made his move.
Be proud of how wild it was.

Victor examines Austin's struggles with a smirk on his face.

AUSTIN
You're lying.

Austin's grip on the barbell falters. A tear rolls down his
face has he grits his teeth.

VICTOR
That's the denial stage of grief
Austin. It's hard for some in
your position to imagine life as
a chessboard, but it is. Your old
man just checked out.
(MORE)
64.


VICTOR (CONT'D)
Rightfully, you can assume a lot
of horrible things I have done.
Things I will do, but Austin,
It's really important to know
this about me: I will never lie
to you.

Austin's knees buckle and the barbell lowers but he manages to
hold it up.

AUSTIN
He wasn't just a move in your
fucking game!

Victor SMACKS Austin. The barbell tips, Billy struggles.
VICTOR
Everyone is a move in my fucking
game! His piece started moving a
long time ago. If you want to
keep breathing you'll keep moving
your piece!

Austin's shoulders slump and his barbell dips. Billy's neck
tightens.

BILLY
Don't...no... Austin... don't...

VICTOR
Your heart is not the first to
break because someone you love
lived in a world too cruel for
them. There are no heroes. Just
players and pawns and I am your
dungeon master.

Austin drops his barbell and it swings choking Billy. Billy
holds...and holds...and holds... and, let's go.

Victor watches as both boys are pulled just off the ground.
Each reach up to try and pull the rope away from their neck.

They squirm dancing in the air.

Austin passes out first and moments later so does Billy.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense apartment, Bruce's suicide sends shockwaves through his friends. As Jasmine confronts him about coffee, a gunshot rings out, leading to chaos and despair. Wesley discovers a note hinting at Bruce's intentions, while he and Michelle grapple with the shocking news. Meanwhile, in Victor's garage, Billy and Austin face a life-threatening situation, manipulated by Victor, who reveals his twisted views on life and death. The scene culminates in uncertainty as both Billy and Austin lose consciousness, leaving their fates hanging in the balance.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Effective portrayal of power dynamics
  • High stakes and tension
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, intense, and emotionally charged, effectively conveying the power dynamics and manipulation at play.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using physical challenges as a metaphor for power and control is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in this scene is crucial as it reveals the antagonist's manipulation and the characters' struggles.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and intense situation with high stakes and emotional depth, showcasing authentic character actions and dialogue that add to the unpredictability and tension.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, especially the antagonist who exerts control and manipulation over the protagonists.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional turmoil and struggle, especially Austin who experiences a significant loss and emotional breakdown.

Internal Goal: 8

Bruce's internal goal is to confront his inner demons and face the consequences of his actions, as reflected in his reflection in the bathroom mirror.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to deal with the immediate crisis of a confrontation with his loved ones and the aftermath of a tragic event.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and drives the narrative forward, creating a sense of urgency and danger.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong and challenging, creating a sense of danger and uncertainty that keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are extremely high in this scene, with the characters facing physical and emotional danger, manipulation, and loss.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the antagonist and the characters' struggles.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable due to its unexpected turns of events, shocking revelations, and character choices that defy expectations.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of control, power, and manipulation, challenging the protagonist's beliefs about agency and responsibility.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, desperation, and grief in the characters and the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the power dynamics and emotions of the characters, but could be more impactful in certain moments.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense emotions, and unpredictable twists that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, maintaining a sense of urgency and momentum that drives the narrative forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the action and dialogue in a clear and engaging manner.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and drama, leading to a climactic moment that propels the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the juxtaposition of Bruce's suicide and the dire situation of Billy and Austin. However, the transition between these two events could be smoother. The abrupt shift from the bathroom to the garage may confuse the audience, as it lacks a clear narrative connection.
  • The dialogue between Wesley and Jasmine feels somewhat disjointed and could benefit from more context. Their argument about coffee and cream seems trivial compared to the gravity of the situation unfolding with Bruce, which may undermine the emotional weight of the scene.
  • Victor's character is portrayed as sadistic and manipulative, but the dialogue could be sharpened to enhance his menace. Some lines feel repetitive or overly verbose, which detracts from the immediacy of the threat he poses to Billy and Austin.
  • The visual elements in the garage scene are compelling, particularly the physical struggle of the boys. However, the description of the setup could be clearer. The mechanics of the barbell and rope system might confuse readers if not explained succinctly, as it is a critical element of the tension.
  • The emotional impact of Bruce's suicide is significant, but the scene could delve deeper into the characters' reactions. Wesley's and Michelle's responses to the news feel somewhat muted, given the gravity of the situation. More visceral reactions could heighten the emotional stakes.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or dialogue that connects Bruce's suicide to the current situation of Billy and Austin, creating a thematic link between the two events.
  • Revise the dialogue between Wesley and Jasmine to make it more relevant to the unfolding crisis. Perhaps they could discuss their fears or uncertainties regarding Bruce's state of mind, which would add depth to their characters.
  • Streamline Victor's dialogue to make it more impactful. Focus on concise, chilling statements that reveal his character's sadism without excessive exposition.
  • Clarify the mechanics of the barbell and rope setup in the garage scene. A brief, clear description of how it works will help the audience visualize the stakes and understand the boys' predicament.
  • Enhance the emotional reactions of Wesley and Michelle upon learning about Bruce's suicide. Consider incorporating physical responses, such as shock or anger, to convey the gravity of the moment more effectively.



Scene 23 -  Morning Tensions
EXT. ROADSIDE - MORNING

Jason walks as Wesley pulls up beside him, windows' down.
65.


WESLEY
Get in!

Jason stares at his dad, points to his headphones, mouths "I
can't hear you."

Wesley tilts his head in irritation. The car ROARS as it leaps
forward and cuts Jason off.

Jason pulls out his ear phones.

JASON
Are you drunk? Don't answer that.

WESLEY
Get in the car.
JASON
I'm walking to school with Mark.

WESLEY
We'll give him a ride too.

JASON
That's the last thing I want.

Jason walks around the car. Wesley gets out and grabs Jason.

WESLEY
I'm not asking.

Jason sizes Wesley up and down and there's no winning.

JASON
You're going to be on your best
behavior.

WESLEY
I'm a Goddamn angel!

Jason throws his pack in the car, pulls out his phone.


EXT. MARK'S HOUSE

Mark is facing Gloria on the front porch as Wesley pulls up in
the car.

Gloria reaches out and squeezes Mark's cheek. Mark swats her
hand away.

MARK
He's right there! He's gonna
think I wear blush!
66.


Gloria decides to caress Mark's cheek.

GLORIA
You're so grown up!

MARK
Not grown up enough...

Gloria looks over Mark's shoulder.

GLORIA
Who's that man?

Mark turns around to see Jason standing outside the passenger
door. His father at the driver's seat looking at Mark and his
watch.
Gloria walks up with Mark to the car. Jason takes Mark's bag,
and holds the door open for him.

GLORIA
You're such a gentleman!

JASON
I try real hard.

MARK
I have no idea what she see's in
you.

Mark climbs in the back seat. Jason takes his bag to the trunk.
Gloria peers in the passenger window.

GLORIA
I'm Gloria. Mark's mother.

WESLEY
Hello Gloria, I'm Wes. Jason's
super responsible father. I solve
crimes for a living, and get kids
to school on time. Scout's honor.

GLORIA
I hear your quite the aficionado
of the Whiskey.

WESLEY
Borderline zealot actually.

Gloria looks at Jason as he climbs in the car.

GLORIA
Not that bad of a sense of humor.
67.


Jason smiles.

WESLEY
I have a bad sense of humor?
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Jason is approached by his father, Wesley, who insists he get into the car despite Jason's desire to walk to school with his friend Mark. Reluctantly, Jason complies, and they pick up Mark, who feels embarrassed by his mother's affection. Wesley attempts to impress Mark's mother, Gloria, with humor, which Jason finds cringeworthy. The scene captures the tension in Jason's relationship with his father, blending moments of humor with the underlying conflict of Jason's struggle for independence.
Strengths
  • Effective balance of tension and humor
  • Insightful character interactions
  • Realistic family dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Relatively low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances tension and humor while providing insight into the relationships between the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a reluctant car ride with family members is relatable and provides opportunities for character development.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses by showing the dynamics between Jason, Wesley, and Gloria, setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the familiar theme of parent-child relationships, with unique character dynamics and dialogue that feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Jason, Wesley, and Gloria are well-developed through their interactions and dialogue.

Character Changes: 6

There is a subtle shift in Jason's attitude towards his father and family dynamics throughout the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Jason's internal goal is to assert his independence and autonomy in the face of his father's controlling behavior. He wants to maintain his own agency and make his own decisions.

External Goal: 7

Jason's external goal is to resist his father's attempts to control him and assert his own choices, such as walking to school with his friend Mark.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict between Jason and Wesley, as well as comedic conflict with Gloria.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and power dynamics between characters that create uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character dynamics than life-threatening situations.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by establishing relationships and potential conflicts that may impact future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics between characters and the unexpected reactions that drive the conflict forward.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between parental authority and teenage rebellion. It challenges Jason's beliefs about independence and his father's expectations of obedience.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a range of emotions from tension to humor, but the emotional impact is not the primary focus.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension, humor, and familial relationships in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense family dynamics, sharp dialogue, and the conflict between characters that keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest, with a good balance of dialogue and action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, adhering to standard screenplay conventions for dialogue and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events, fitting the expected format for a family drama genre.


Critique
  • The transition from the intense and dark previous scene to this lighter moment feels abrupt. The tonal shift may confuse the audience, as they are still processing the gravity of the previous events involving Billy and Austin. It would be beneficial to create a smoother transition that acknowledges the emotional weight of the prior scene.
  • Wesley's authoritative demeanor is established well, but the dialogue could be more dynamic. The exchanges between Jason and Wesley feel somewhat predictable and could benefit from more subtext or conflict to heighten the tension. For instance, instead of Jason simply stating he doesn't want a ride, he could express deeper frustration or resentment towards his father's behavior.
  • The humor introduced through Gloria and Mark's interaction is a nice touch, but it risks undermining the seriousness of the previous scene. Balancing humor with the ongoing tension in the narrative is crucial. Consider how the humor can serve the story rather than distract from it.
  • The character dynamics are clear, but there is an opportunity to deepen the relationships. For example, exploring Jason's feelings about his father's drinking or their strained relationship could add layers to the scene. This would make the audience more invested in their interactions.
  • The dialogue could be tightened to enhance the pacing. Some lines feel a bit too long or drawn out, which can detract from the urgency of the moment. Shortening exchanges or making them more impactful could improve the overall flow.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection for Jason as he walks to school, perhaps thinking about the events that just transpired. This could help bridge the emotional gap between scenes.
  • Introduce a moment where Jason hesitates before getting into the car, showcasing his internal conflict about his father's behavior. This could add depth to his character and make the audience empathize with his situation.
  • Incorporate a line or two that hints at Jason's awareness of his father's struggles with alcohol, which could add tension and complexity to their relationship.
  • Use physical actions to convey emotions more effectively. For example, instead of just dialogue, show Jason's reluctance through body language, such as crossing his arms or looking away when Wesley insists he gets in the car.
  • Consider revising Wesley's humor to be more self-deprecating or awkward, which could make him more relatable and highlight his struggle with being a father while dealing with his own issues.



Scene 24 -  Morning Drop-Off Antics
INT. WESLEY'S CAR

The Car STARTS, PUT IN GEAR.

Mark buckles his seat belt.

MARK
Bye Mommy.

Gloria waves as Wesley rolls up window.
WESLEY
Mommy?

Jason looks at his dad.

JASON
Best behavior.


EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT

The car pull in and goes to a parking spot.


INT. WESLEY'S CAR

Wesley puts the car in park and takes out the keys. He holds
them out to Jason.

JASON
What are you doing?

WESLEY
Your mother wanted this a long
time ago. Two rules, do you hear
me?

JASON
What?

WESLEY
I know where you are at all times.
Always wear your seatbelt.

MARK
Those aren't just your rules Mr.
Hunter.
68.


Wesley goes to respond.

JASON
Best behavior.

WESLEY
No more walking. If you want to
give your friends a ride, that's
okay too.

JASON
What's wrong?

Jason takes the keys as Michelle's car pulls up..

WESLEY
You know I can't talk about ongoing
investigations.

Wesley gets out and enters Michelle's car and that car leaves.

Jason opens the door for Mark. Mark climbs out and the two of
them grab their bags from that back of the car.

MARK
I feel like I got to experience
genuine progress in you and your
father's relationship.

Trunk SLAMS shut.

Girls GIGGLE as Jason and Mark walk by. Jason looks up and
they divert their eyes.

Mark reaches to hold Jason's hand. A light brush. Jason jerks
his hand to rub his neck as he CHUCKLES.

MARK
Practice tonight?

JASON
Every night. Dress rehearsals?

MARK
Yep. Hangout after?

JASON
Will you need to check with your
Mommy?

Mark punches Jason's arm as they stop at the crossroads.

MARK
No!
69.


JASON
Then it's a date.

Jason smiles as Mark closes his eyes and waits for a kiss.

Beat.

Mark opens his eyes and Jason is walking away. Those same
girls LAUGH. As Mark gives them the middle finger.

MARK
We're going to have to work on
that.

Dry erase marker SQUEAKS.
Genres: ["Drama","Coming-of-age","Family"]

Summary Wesley drives his sons, Mark and Jason, to school, emphasizing safety and behavior rules. After dropping them off, Mark tries to initiate a romantic moment with Jason, but Jason playfully walks away, leading to a humorous exchange with nearby girls. The scene captures the light-hearted and awkward dynamics of teenage interactions, ending with Mark's frustrated yet humorous gesture towards the giggling girls.
Strengths
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances multiple tones and emotions, providing insight into the characters' inner conflicts and relationships. The dialogue and interactions feel authentic and engaging, contributing to the overall impact of the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring family relationships, friendship dynamics, and adolescent struggles is well-executed in the scene. The interactions and dialogue provide depth to the characters and set the stage for future developments.

Plot: 7

The plot progression in the scene focuses on character interactions and relationships, laying the groundwork for future conflicts and resolutions. The scene moves the story forward by deepening the audience's understanding of the characters and their motivations.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces familiar family dynamics but adds a layer of mystery and tension through the father's involvement in ongoing investigations. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and engaging, each with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions and dialogue reveal layers of complexity and set the stage for potential character growth and conflicts.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience subtle changes in their dynamics and relationships, setting the stage for potential growth and development in future scenes. Their interactions and vulnerabilities hint at deeper character arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the complex relationship with his father and understand the ongoing investigations that his father is involved in. This reflects his deeper need for connection and understanding.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to follow his father's rules and navigate the social interactions at school. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing as a teenager.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on the characters' emotional struggles and relationship dynamics. While there are tensions and disagreements, the conflict is more subtle and nuanced.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and keep the audience engaged, but not overwhelming.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in the scene are more personal and emotional, focusing on the characters' internal struggles and relationships. While there are tensions and conflicts, the stakes are not life-threatening or high-risk.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the audience's understanding of the characters and their relationships. It sets up potential conflicts and resolutions, laying the groundwork for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the underlying secrets and tensions that are slowly revealed.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the balance between trust and secrecy in a family relationship. The protagonist struggles with understanding his father's actions while also wanting to maintain a sense of trust.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and humor to vulnerability and affection. The characters' struggles and relationships resonate with the audience, creating a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and engaging, capturing the characters' emotions and relationships effectively. It provides insight into their inner thoughts and struggles, enhancing the audience's connection to the story.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the subtle tension and emotional depth in the character interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by slowly building tension and revealing key information at the right moments.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for a screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a family drama genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the dynamic between Jason and Wesley, showcasing their strained father-son relationship through dialogue and actions. However, the humor feels forced at times, particularly Wesley's attempts to engage with Gloria and his rules for Jason, which could benefit from more naturalistic dialogue.
  • The transition from the car to the school parking lot is somewhat abrupt. While it serves to move the story forward, it could be enhanced by adding a moment of reflection or a brief exchange that deepens the emotional stakes before they arrive at school.
  • Mark's character is introduced with a light-hearted tone, but his interactions with Jason could be more layered. The moment where Mark reaches to hold Jason's hand feels underdeveloped; it could be an opportunity to explore their relationship further, perhaps by adding internal thoughts or reactions from Jason.
  • The humor in the scene, particularly in the exchanges between Jason and Mark, is effective but could be elevated by incorporating more subtext. For instance, Jason's reluctance to engage in romantic gestures could hint at deeper insecurities or fears about their relationship, adding emotional weight.
  • The ending of the scene, where Mark is left waiting for a kiss, feels slightly anticlimactic. It could be more impactful if it included a moment of vulnerability or a clearer indication of Jason's feelings towards Mark, rather than just a humorous dismissal.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it feel more organic and reflective of the characters' personalities. This could involve using more colloquial language or incorporating pauses and interruptions to mimic real-life conversations.
  • Add a brief moment of tension or reflection as they arrive at school, perhaps through Jason's internal thoughts about his relationship with his father or his feelings about being seen with Mark.
  • Develop the moment where Mark reaches for Jason's hand by including Jason's internal conflict or hesitation, which could add depth to their relationship and highlight Jason's struggles with intimacy.
  • Incorporate subtext into the humor between Jason and Mark, allowing their playful banter to reveal deeper emotions or insecurities, which would enrich their interactions.
  • Enhance the ending by giving Jason a moment of hesitation or a look back at Mark before walking away, which could suggest his internal struggle and add emotional resonance to the scene.



Scene 25 -  Classroom Tensions
INT. CLASSROOM

Mr. HAHN, mid 40s, French, Indo-Chinese, drop dead professional
appearance and a serious demeanor, writes on a white board.
In he classroom Jason, Ben and Elizabeth sit in a triangle.

MR.HAHN
I know that no one cares, but for
eons, mythology was the backbone
of ours - and others'
civilizations.

Mr. Hahn's lecture fades into the background as a finger TAPS
Jason's shoulder.

Jason faces Ben.

BEN
Everyone's talking.

JASON
Talking? Mankind's first
invention? You don't say!

BEN
Did you make out with Mark in the
Quad?

Elizabeth shakes her head and rolls her eyes. Jason returns
to his notes.

MR.HAHN
Stories like the Odyssey or the
poems of Euripides...
70.


JASON
(A little too loud.)
Euripides sucks.

Pen drop SILENCE. Mr. Hahn looks back at Jason with a Vulcan
eyebrow; Jason just as shocked as Mr. Hahn.

MR.HAHN
(Removing glasses.)
Perhaps, Mr. Hunter, your epic
poetry is better?

Jason looks around the classroom for a distraction. Everyone
stares at him, shocked and in awe.

JASON
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I
don't like being the center of
attention.

MR.HAHN
That's odd, because, everywhere I
turn, all I hear are whispers in
the hall. Little happy whispers
about you. What pearl of wisdom
do your peers expect from you?

BEN
Pearl of love is more like it.

Everyone but Elizabeth "Ooooohs" and "Ahhhhhs." Jason turns
beet red and glares at Ben.

JASON
Stop it!

BEN
Dude, everyone knows and no one
cares. We just want you to be
happy.

Elizabeth folds up her things, gets out of her desk and STORMS
out.

Ben is immediately regretful.

Jason looks at Mr. Hahn silently asking permission. Mr. Hahn
nods and Jason follows suit leaving his things behind.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary During a mythology lecture, Jason and Ben's side conversation about Jason's romantic life leads to an embarrassing outburst when Jason loudly dismisses Euripides, drawing the attention of the class. Mr. Hahn confronts Jason, heightening the tension. Frustrated by the gossip, Elizabeth storms out, prompting Jason to follow her after receiving permission from Mr. Hahn.
Strengths
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Effective blend of humor and seriousness
  • Strong emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Relatively low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends humor, embarrassment, and seriousness to create a memorable and engaging moment that showcases character dynamics and conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on a moment of embarrassment and revelation for the main character, is well-executed and engaging.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around the unexpected attention on Jason and his subsequent reaction, adding depth to his character and setting up potential conflicts.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on academic discourse and social dynamics, offering authentic character interactions and dialogue that feel true to life.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic and engaging, adding depth to the overall narrative.

Character Changes: 7

The scene leads to a subtle change in Jason's character as he confronts his fear of attention and begins to navigate his social interactions more carefully.

Internal Goal: 8

Jason's internal goal in this scene is to avoid being the center of attention and to maintain a low profile among his peers. This reflects his fear of judgment and desire for anonymity.

External Goal: 7

Jason's external goal is to navigate social interactions and avoid confrontation with his classmates. This reflects the immediate challenge of fitting in and managing his reputation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on Jason's discomfort with attention and his struggle to navigate social interactions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and power dynamics creating obstacles for the protagonist to overcome.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on character development and social dynamics than on life-threatening situations.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the audience's understanding of Jason's character and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected outburst from Jason and the shifting power dynamics among the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash of values between traditional academic reverence for mythology and Jason's irreverent attitude towards it. This challenges Jason's beliefs about conformity and authority.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, eliciting feelings of embarrassment, regret, and empathy for the characters involved.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions and conflicts, adding depth to their interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic character interactions, dramatic tension, and unexpected plot developments.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment that propels the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to standard screenplay formatting conventions, effectively conveying the dialogue and action sequences.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional classroom setting structure but subverts expectations with unexpected character actions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the dynamics of teenage relationships and the pressures of social expectations, particularly through Jason's interactions with Ben and Elizabeth. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtlety; the humor feels a bit forced at times, especially with Ben's comments about Jason's romantic life. This could be toned down to make the characters' interactions feel more organic.
  • Mr. Hahn's character is introduced with a strong presence, but his role could be expanded to create a more significant impact on the scene. As a teacher, he could serve as a foil to the students' immaturity, providing a contrasting perspective that highlights their struggles. This could be achieved through more engaging dialogue that reflects his passion for mythology.
  • The transition from Mr. Hahn's lecture to the students' side conversation is abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the flow of the scene, perhaps by incorporating Mr. Hahn's lecture into the background of the students' dialogue, allowing the audience to see how they are disengaged from the lesson.
  • Elizabeth's exit feels somewhat abrupt and lacks emotional weight. It would be beneficial to explore her feelings more deeply, perhaps through a brief internal monologue or a line that reveals her frustration with Jason's behavior. This would add depth to her character and make her departure more impactful.
  • The use of humor is a strong point in this scene, but it risks overshadowing the underlying tension. Balancing the comedic elements with the emotional stakes of Jason's situation could create a more nuanced scene. For instance, Jason's embarrassment could be played up to highlight his vulnerability, making the humor feel more relatable.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Mr. Hahn connects mythology to the students' lives, making the lesson more relevant and engaging. This could help bridge the gap between his lecture and the students' disinterest.
  • Introduce a moment of reflection for Jason after his outburst, allowing him to process the attention and embarrassment he feels. This could be a brief internal thought or a conversation with Ben that adds depth to his character.
  • Explore Elizabeth's character further by giving her a line that expresses her feelings about Jason's behavior or their relationship. This could help the audience understand her motivations for leaving the classroom.
  • Incorporate more physical reactions from the characters to enhance the emotional stakes. For example, showing Jason's body language as he reacts to the attention could convey his discomfort more effectively.
  • Consider revising Ben's dialogue to make it feel less like exposition and more like a natural conversation. This could involve using more playful banter or teasing that feels authentic to their friendship.



Scene 26 -  Confrontation and Reflection
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALL

Elizabeth rushes down the hall. Jason runs after her.
71.


JASON
Hey!

Elizabeth comes to a stop and Jason catches up to her. He
reaches out and touches her shoulder.

Elizabeth SWATS him away.

ELIZABETH
Don't touch me!

JASON
Liz!

ELIZABETH
You never kissed me in front of
anyone!

JASON
I didn't kiss him.

ELIZABETH
But you wanted to?

JASON
That isn't fair. You can't
encourage me to be myself and
hate me for it at the same time.

ELIZABETH
I love you. I could never hate
you. But, my dad did work overtime
to afford my dress. Now what?
You do you, be yourself. I don't
want to be what you don't want,
but I did lose my boyfriend and
it seems like... given the
circumstances, I'm not allowed to
feel anything about that, so, can
you please just leave me alone?

Jason swallows hard as he nods. Bell RINGS


INT. CLASSROOM

Jason fights his way past students who are leaving the class.
Ben is still at his seat.

BEN
I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking.

Ben leaves as Jason starts to pack his things. Mr. Hahn starts
to erase the board.
72.


MR.HAHN
You got this, right?

Jason nods as Mr. Hahn continues to erase.

JASON
Fuck!

Mr. Hahn stops. He studies Jason.

MR.HAHN
At least you chose a word with an
interesting history to yell out.

JASON
What else could I say? Nothing
makes any sense.

MR.HAHN
I'm not really good at this kind
of stuff, but none of us really
know anything. In this go around
you've chosen unique extra
curricular activities. Follow
through on those and that will
tell us what kind of man you're
going to grow up to be, monsieur.
But I feel compelled to tell you:
that happiness Ben and your peers
want for you: no stone, nor
diamond, or precious metal in all
the Earth is worth that.

Jason is taken back.

JASON
I thought you weren't that kind
of teacher?

MR.HAHN
Go get something to eat.

JASON
Merci beaucoup, Gandalf.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In a tense exchange, Elizabeth confronts Jason about his reluctance to publicly show affection, expressing her hurt and frustration. Jason attempts to defend himself but ultimately respects her request for space. Later, in the classroom, he struggles with his emotions and receives unexpected advice from Mr. Hahn, who encourages him to prioritize his happiness and pursue his passions.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Impactful dialogue
  • Vulnerability and introspection
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Some cliched dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively captures the emotional turmoil and tension between the characters, providing depth and insight into their relationship dynamics. The dialogue is impactful and reveals layers of complexity within the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the aftermath of a significant event in the characters' lives is compelling and adds depth to the narrative. The scene effectively delves into themes of love, loss, and personal growth.

Plot: 7

The plot progression in the scene focuses on character dynamics and emotional conflict, moving the story forward through revealing moments of introspection and confrontation.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to teenage relationship dynamics and explores themes of authenticity and societal expectations in a nuanced way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and showcase a range of emotions and vulnerabilities, adding complexity to their relationships and personal journeys.

Character Changes: 8

The scene showcases significant emotional growth and introspection for Jason, as he confronts his feelings and actions, leading to a moment of self-realization and vulnerability.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate his feelings of confusion and betrayal in his relationship with Elizabeth, while also trying to understand his own identity and sense of self.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to deal with the aftermath of a relationship issue and navigate the social dynamics of high school.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on the emotional turmoil and tension between the characters as they navigate their feelings and relationships.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, but not overwhelming to the point of overshadowing the character development.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in the scene are primarily emotional, focusing on the characters' internal struggles and relationships, adding depth and tension to the narrative.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the emotional complexity of the characters and setting the stage for further developments in their relationships and personal journeys.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional revelations and character interactions that challenge the audience's expectations.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's struggle with authenticity and societal expectations. It challenges his beliefs about being true to himself while also fitting in with his peers.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles and vulnerabilities, creating a sense of empathy and connection.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the inner thoughts and conflicts of the characters, driving the emotional intensity of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional intensity and relatable conflicts between the characters, drawing the audience into the protagonist's internal and external struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional stakes, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' struggles.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting that adheres to industry standards.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a high school drama genre, with clear character interactions and emotional beats that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The emotional conflict between Jason and Elizabeth is well-established, showcasing the complexities of teenage relationships. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to enhance the tension. For instance, instead of directly stating feelings, characters could imply their emotions through actions or more nuanced dialogue.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, particularly in the transition from the hallway to the classroom. The emotional weight of Jason's confrontation with Elizabeth could be amplified by allowing more time for their exchange, perhaps by including a moment of silence or hesitation before Jason speaks.
  • Mr. Hahn's advice to Jason is insightful but feels somewhat disconnected from the preceding conflict. It might be more impactful if Mr. Hahn's comments were more directly related to Jason's situation with Elizabeth, perhaps reflecting on the importance of communication in relationships.
  • The use of the bell ringing as a transition is effective, but it could be enhanced by incorporating more sensory details to ground the reader in the environment. Describing the sounds of the bustling hallway or the visual chaos of students leaving could create a more immersive experience.
  • Jason's reaction to Mr. Hahn's advice feels abrupt. A more gradual realization or internal struggle could make his response more relatable. This would also allow for a deeper exploration of Jason's character and his emotional state.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more physicality to the confrontation between Jason and Elizabeth. For example, include gestures or body language that reflect their emotional states, such as Jason's hesitance or Elizabeth's frustration.
  • Expand on the dialogue between Jason and Elizabeth to include more layers of their relationship history. This could help the audience understand the stakes of their argument and the depth of their feelings for each other.
  • Incorporate a moment of reflection for Jason after his exchange with Elizabeth, allowing him to process his emotions before interacting with Mr. Hahn. This could create a smoother transition between the two scenes.
  • Enhance Mr. Hahn's character by giving him a more personal stake in Jason's situation. Perhaps he could share a brief anecdote about his own experiences with relationships, making his advice feel more genuine and relatable.
  • Consider revising the ending of the scene to leave Jason with a more profound realization or decision about his relationship with Elizabeth, setting up potential future conflicts or growth.



Scene 27 -  Rehearsal Reflections
INT. OUTSIDE MR. HAHN'S CLASS

Ben is waiting for Jason as he walks out.

The two walk down the hall.

BEN
So, he said yes?
73.


Jason rolls his eyes. Ben smiles ear to ear in disbelief.


INT. THEATER - LATER

Mark is center stage, other classmates.

Mr. Hahn is in the main aisle half way up the seating.

MR. HAHN
Alright. Let's just run through
it one more time.

Places taken.

MR. HAHN
Kill 'em!

Lights go dark. Single spotlight IGNITES. Mark STEPS into
the light. Despair is on his face.

MARK
Are there no other choices.

A light comes up illuminating Clarence.

CLARENCE
Oh no, Mr. Bailey. Don't say
that. There are always choices.

Public theater entrance UNLATCHES and light streams in. Mr.
Hahn GLARES back. Jason sneaks in. Mark glances up and grins.

A seat CREAKS loudly as Jason folds it down. Mr. Hahn glares
back. Jason waves. Hahn returns his attention to the stage.

MR. HAHN
Is he your cheerleader? Why'd we
stop?

Everyone GIGGLES. Mark (acting) glances back.

MARK
Leave me, specter of the night.
I have no future.

CLARENCE
Oh, Mr. George, I am no specter.
Not a creature of night but a
creature of light and I am here
to tell you of a future most
bright.

A light comes up and two children actors play.
74.


CLARENCE
We can start with your past but I
can promise you that won't last.
What brought you here to this
single moment of fear. Or...

A light comes up on an old man and woman.

CLARENCE
Or, we can widen the ape-ture and
look to your future, so long as
it is but a thought of shadow as
you plunge into the depths below.

Mark BUSTS out laughing. Mr. Hahn EXASPERATES.
MARK
What is an "Ape-ture?"

MR. HAHN
Okay, that's it for me. Tomorrow
night off, starting next week
dress rehearsals - all week long.

Everyone breaks apart as Mark pulls out a script.

MARK
Truncated and knull...

MR. HAHN
You've been off-book for weeks
Mark. What are you reading.

MARK
It's from a monologue book, Wenzy,
The Mortal Immortal by...

MR. HAHN
...Mary Shelly. Good choice.

Jason approaches.

JASON
You were great!

Mark leaps off the stage, rushes up to Jason, they EMBRACE.

MARK
Hanging out with you, I'm missing
out on my Mom's home made La-zag-
na!
75.


MR. HAHN
It looks like you made your mind
up about something, Mr. Hunter.

Jason smiles back at Mr. Hahn.

JASON
You're not that kind of teacher!

Mr. Hahn finishes packing his attaché.

MR. HAHN
It interests me. Things are so
different no. I was your age
when Matthew Shepard was chained
to a fence and left for dead.
You live in a privileged world,
standing on the shoulder's of
giants who came before you. Be
happy.

JASON
Who's Matthew Shepard?

Mr. Hahn rolls his eyes, shakes his head and walks toward the
door.

MR. HAHN
I guess it doesn't matter.

Mr. Hahn LEAVES.

JASON
Did we hit a nerve?

MARK
On Mr. Hahn? Not possible.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Ben eagerly awaits Jason outside Mr. Hahn's class, thrilled by the good news about Jason's performance. Inside the theater, Mr. Hahn directs a rehearsal where Mark delivers a poignant scene, interspersed with humor that frustrates Mr. Hahn. Jason arrives late, adding to the light-hearted chaos, and shares a warm moment with Mark after the performance. Mr. Hahn, reflecting on societal changes and the legacy of Matthew Shepard, ultimately ends the rehearsal early, leaving the students to contemplate his serious remarks.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character development
  • Humorous moments
Weaknesses
  • Moderate conflict level
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends humor, emotion, and character development, providing insight into the relationships and conflicts within the group.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a theater rehearsal setting allows for exploration of themes such as performance, identity, and relationships, adding depth to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses through character interactions and revelations, setting up potential conflicts and resolutions in future scenes.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on friendship, performance, and societal issues, offering authentic character interactions and engaging dialogue. The writer's original voice shines through in the unique blend of humor and depth.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and distinct, with unique personalities and motivations that drive their interactions and dialogue.

Character Changes: 6

There is some character development and growth, particularly in the interactions between Jason and Mark, but it is not the central focus of the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to connect with his friend Jason and express his gratitude for their friendship. This reflects his need for companionship and support.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to perform well in the theater production and impress his teacher, Mr. Hahn. This reflects the immediate challenge of meeting expectations and showcasing his talent.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a moderate level of conflict present in the scene, primarily driven by the interactions between characters and their differing perspectives.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts arising from the protagonist's lack of knowledge and Mr. Hahn's challenging perspective. The audience is left wondering how these conflicts will be resolved.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character interactions and development rather than high-stakes drama.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new dynamics and conflicts among the characters, setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected shifts in tone and the revelation of the protagonist's ignorance about historical events. The audience is kept on their toes by the characters' actions and dialogue.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's ignorance of historical events and societal issues, contrasting with Mr. Hahn's perspective of privilege and responsibility. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from humor to reflection, adding depth to the characters and their relationships.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging, with a mix of humor, emotion, and conflict that adds depth to the characters and advances the plot.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic character interactions, witty dialogue, and thematic depth. The audience is drawn into the emotional journey of the protagonist and invested in the outcome of the performance.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional resonance, with well-timed dialogue exchanges and scene transitions that maintain the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to standard screenplay conventions, with proper scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure with clear transitions between locations and characters, maintaining the expected format for a high school drama setting.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the camaraderie between Jason and Ben, showcasing their friendship and excitement. However, the transition from the hallway to the theater could be smoother to maintain the flow of the narrative.
  • Mark's performance in the theater is a strong moment, but the dialogue could benefit from more emotional depth. The lines about choices and despair feel somewhat generic; adding specific stakes or personal context could enhance the impact.
  • Mr. Hahn's character is well-defined, but his reference to Matthew Shepard feels abrupt and disconnected from the rest of the scene. This moment could be more impactful if it tied back to the characters' experiences or the themes of the play they are rehearsing.
  • The humor in the scene, particularly Mark's antics and Mr. Hahn's reactions, is effective but could be balanced with more serious undertones to reflect the emotional weight of the previous scenes. This would create a more nuanced tone.
  • The ending feels a bit rushed, with Jason and Mark's exchange lacking a sense of resolution or reflection on the serious topics introduced earlier. A moment of introspection or a deeper conversation could provide a stronger conclusion to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of dialogue or action that connects the hallway conversation to the theater, perhaps a shared joke or a reference to their plans after school.
  • Enhance Mark's monologue by incorporating personal stakes or specific references that resonate with the audience, making his despair feel more relatable and poignant.
  • Integrate Mr. Hahn's commentary on Matthew Shepard more seamlessly into the dialogue, perhaps by having Jason or Mark respond with their thoughts or questions, creating a dialogue that reflects their understanding of the issue.
  • Balance the humor with moments of seriousness by allowing characters to reflect on their experiences or the themes of the play, creating a richer emotional landscape.
  • End the scene with a moment of connection between Jason and Mark that acknowledges the weight of their previous conversations, perhaps through a shared look or a line that hints at their evolving relationship.



Scene 28 -  Reflections on Growth and Faith
INT. CHRIS' HOUSE - LATER

A Craftsman with a flair for Victorian decorations. Deep colors
and throw rugs. A dedicated space for yoga and medicine balls.

VICTOR
What motivated you to such a unique
training set up?

CHRIS
My dad always says mind first,
then the body will follow.

Chris' dad smiles as his son talks.
76.


CHRIS
In a lot of ways, this is our
sanctuary. A safe place where
books create the flexibility of
my thoughts and yoga mats for the
flexibility of my muscles.

VICTOR
Do you have good flexibility?

CHRIS
Out of all my friends I'm the
only one to brag about never
pulling a muscle.

EXT. BEN'S HOUSE

The garage door is open. The Interceptor is taking much of
Ben's time. Wrench CRANKS and a rubber belt comes loose.

Ben closes the hood and Victor is standing there.

BEN
Oh, hey, you're early, right?

VICTOR
On time is late Mr. Ponder.

BEN
My dad was just planning on being
here.

VICTOR
We've already met.

Ben smiles.

BEN
Oh, he didn't tell me.


INT. BEN'S HOUSE

Ben's mom brings in drinks and a snack. Ben washes his hands
of the grease.

VICTOR
You were wrenching that engine
pretty hard.

BEN
We've been working on it for years!
(MORE)
77.


BEN (CONT'D)
We're almost done. We're going
to use the interceptor for my
driving test!

VICTOR
You don't have a driver's license
yet?

BEN
I have a permit!


INT. ST. MARY'S OF ROME

A large catholic church. Tucker sits in a confessional. The
priest is in the other side.

PRIEST
Ten hail Mary's and one tackle in
the second quarter I can put my
money on.

TUCKER
Yes father.

Tucker exits the confessional. Victor sits in the pews.

VICTOR
A good catholic boy?

Tucker approaches the pews and stands on one set of seats in
front of Victor and sits on the back of the Pew in front of
him.

TUCKER
We're all sinners, right?

VICTOR
Some more than others, I suppose.

TUCKER
No sin is bigger than the other.
That's what Jesus is for.

VICTOR
John 3:16?

TUCKER
I'm partial to communion wine
myself. How else am I going to
prepare for college?

Victor grins.
78.


VICTOR
Rumor has it we're your second
choice?

TUCKER
It's nothing personal, but I want
to go to Notre Dame. Could you
imagine scoring for the same team
coached by Knute Rockne? Oh my
god, it makes me want to save
myself for marriage.

Victor laughs.

PRIEST
Whatever it takes!
Tucker motions to the priest's approval.


INT. CHRIS' HOUSE

VICTOR
Play time is important, but it's
in pursuit of our academia that
we do this. So much of academia
is about pushing boundaries and
making the uncomfortable...
comfortable. How would you push
your boundaries?

CHRIS
Have you ever read the Bhagavad
Gita?

VICTOR
I can't say that I have.

CHRIS
I think the word "Vagna" answers
your question. It's idea is to
do things without expectation of
payment, for the good of doing
it. That's how I live my life.
I do everything for the good that
will come out of it.

VICTOR
Your education is an investment.

CHRIS
And the sports scholarship is the
school's investment in me.
(MORE)
79.


CHRIS (CONT'D)
In return, the interest they get
in that relationship, that's the
hundred and twenty percent I give
to the Gridiron.


INT. BEN'S HOUSE

VICTOR
Let's say, by happenstance, tonight
you disappeared, what would you
hope your legacy will be?

BEN
We're suppose to answer questions
like that?

Victor nods. Ben looks to his mom.

BEN'S MOTHER
Go on honey, say whatever comes
to mind.

BEN
That I have family and friends
who would stop at nothing to find
me. And I hope that their love
for me shined through so the world
knows how much I loved them...
Yeah.


INT. ST. MARY'S OF ROME

VICTOR
What motivates you to do your
best?

Tucker thinks for a moment. The door to the confessional OPENS
and the priest walks out.

TUCKER
The Holy Spirit.

VICTOR
Oh, you're going to get religious
on me?

TUCKER
We're going to die one day, and I
thank God for every touchdown he
gives us, but both sides of the
(MORE)
80.


TUCKER (CONT'D)
game are praying for victory,
right? So even if we pray, we
still have to play are hardest
because who gets the answer yes
and who gets the answer no, while
it's part of God's plan, we have
to work for our rewards.

Something TWINKLES in Tucker's eyes. Victor is neutral.
Genres: ["Drama","Coming-of-age","Spiritual"]

Summary In this introspective scene, Chris shares his philosophy on training with Victor, emphasizing mental flexibility. The focus shifts to Ben, who excitedly discusses his car project with his dad in preparation for his driving test. At St. Mary's of Rome, Tucker engages in a confessional, reflecting on his motivations and faith with Victor. The interactions highlight themes of personal growth, family support, and spirituality, culminating in Tucker's profound insight about balancing faith and effort for success.
Strengths
  • Deep philosophical dialogue
  • Character development
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Slow pacing in some conversations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written with deep philosophical conversations that reveal the characters' inner thoughts and motivations. It sets a reflective and contemplative tone, engaging the audience in the characters' journeys of self-discovery.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring self-discovery, spirituality, and personal growth through philosophical conversations is compelling and well-developed. The scene effectively conveys the characters' values and beliefs, adding depth to their personalities.

Plot: 7

While the scene focuses more on character development and thematic exploration than plot progression, it still moves the story forward by revealing key insights into the characters' motivations and inner conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates originality through its blend of personal stories, philosophical discussions, and cultural references. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, offering fresh perspectives on familiar themes.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and undergo emotional growth and introspection throughout the scene. Their interactions reveal layers of complexity and depth, making them relatable and engaging.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle but significant changes in their perspectives and beliefs throughout the scene. Their interactions lead to moments of growth and self-realization, shaping their future actions and decisions.

Internal Goal: 8

Chris' internal goal is to find sanctuary and balance in his life through his training setup and dedication to mind-body connection. This reflects his deeper need for stability, self-improvement, and personal growth.

External Goal: 7

Ben's external goal is to finish working on the Interceptor car and use it for his driving test. This reflects his immediate challenge of completing a long-term project and achieving a personal milestone.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The scene has a low level of external conflict but is rich in internal conflicts and emotional struggles faced by the characters. The tension arises from their personal dilemmas and philosophical debates.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, but not overwhelming. The characters face challenges and conflicting values that drive the narrative forward and keep the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 3

The scene has low stakes in terms of external conflicts or life-threatening situations. However, the emotional stakes are high as the characters grapple with existential questions and personal dilemmas.

Story Forward: 6

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the audience's understanding of the characters and their motivations. It sets the stage for future developments and conflicts, laying the groundwork for character arcs.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in character interactions and philosophical discussions. The audience is kept on their toes by the shifting dynamics and conflicting values presented in the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of faith, ambition, and personal values. Tucker and Victor discuss the role of religion in motivation and success, highlighting different perspectives on spirituality and hard work.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a high emotional impact due to the characters' introspective conversations and moments of vulnerability. The audience is drawn into their inner struggles and aspirations, evoking empathy and reflection.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is the highlight of the scene, with deep philosophical conversations that are thought-provoking and engaging. The characters' exchanges are rich in subtext and emotion, adding depth to their relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of personal stories, philosophical discussions, and character dynamics. The dialogue and interactions draw the audience into the characters' lives and motivations, creating a sense of depth and emotional resonance.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue-heavy moments with action and visual descriptions. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journeys.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines are concise and effective.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure with clear transitions between different locations and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness and narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene attempts to explore themes of personal growth, family, and spirituality through the interactions between Victor, Chris, Ben, and Tucker. However, the dialogue often feels overly expository and lacks natural flow. For instance, Chris's philosophical musings about the Bhagavad Gita and the concept of doing good without expectation can come off as preachy rather than organic to the character's voice.
  • The transitions between locations (Chris' house, Ben's house, and St. Mary's of Rome) feel abrupt and disjointed. This can confuse the audience and disrupt the narrative flow. A smoother transition or a more cohesive thematic link between the locations would enhance the scene's overall coherence.
  • Victor's character is portrayed as a mentor figure, but his motivations and intentions remain ambiguous. This ambiguity can create intrigue, but it also risks leaving the audience disconnected from his character. Providing subtle hints about his true nature or intentions could deepen the audience's engagement.
  • The dialogue often lacks subtext, making it feel more like a lecture than a conversation. For example, when Victor asks Chris about flexibility, the response feels more like a scripted answer than a genuine exchange. Incorporating more nuanced dialogue that reveals character traits and emotions would enhance the authenticity of the interactions.
  • The scene's pacing is uneven, with some moments dragging on due to lengthy philosophical discussions. This can lead to a loss of tension and engagement. Balancing the depth of conversation with brevity and action would help maintain the audience's interest.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it feel more natural and less expository. Allow characters to express their thoughts and beliefs through actions and reactions rather than lengthy monologues.
  • Implement smoother transitions between locations, possibly by using visual cues or thematic links that connect the different settings and enhance the narrative flow.
  • Clarify Victor's character motivations by incorporating subtle hints or actions that suggest his true intentions, allowing the audience to form a deeper connection with him.
  • Add layers of subtext to the dialogue, allowing characters to communicate their feelings and thoughts indirectly. This can create more engaging and dynamic interactions.
  • Revise the pacing of the scene by trimming down lengthy discussions and interspersing moments of action or emotional beats to maintain audience engagement and tension.



Scene 29 -  Milkshake Rivalry and Identity Questions
INT. 24 HOUR DINER - NIGHT

Jason and Mark sit opposite draining a thick milk shake with
dual straws.
The straws stay in their mouth as they talk to one another.

JASON
No cheating!

MARK
I can't believe my mom let me
come out!

JASON
What do you ow ow ow.

Jason PULLS away as he holds his head. Mark stops sucking.

MARK
I win!

JASON
You have to have a brain to freeze!

Mark reaches over and hugs Jason.

MARK
We never come here! How good are
the hamburgers. Or Nachos?

JASON
It hurts so bad...

VICTOR (O.S.)
Jason Hunter?

Mark lets go as Jason looks up.

JASON
Yeah.
81.


VICTOR
My name is Victor. Your coach
arranged for us to meet.

JASON
Yeah.

Jason looks at Mark.

MARK
I'll go to the Jukebox. Put on
Phantom.

Mark SCOOTS out of the booth.

JASON
No one wants to hear that!

Mark turns and grins at Jason.

MARK
I mean, in terms of Webber, it's
that or Memory from cats, so pick
now...

JASON
...I don't know what that means.

MARK
Past the Point of No Return it
tis! ... tis it... it's it...

Mark walks to the jukebox.

Victor notices Jason's bracelet.

VICTOR
Are you gay Mr. Hunter?

JASON
You can ask me that?

Victor sits down across from Jason.

VICTOR
Oh, it's just that we do have a
certain diversity quota to meet.
Hoping to check another box.

JASON
Refused to answer.

It's hard for Victor to hide his amusement.
82.


VICTOR
I suppose things are different
after all.

Jason's eyes narrow.

JASON
Are we going to talk about football
or my homecoming date?

VICTOR
You have an impressive record,
Jason.

JASON
I'm only second best in terms of
passes completed.

VICTOR
That kid from T-canyon was a hell
of a player. I was watching him.
I've been watching a lot of people
on your team too Jason.

Jason looks at Victor.

JASON
We've had a pretty good year.

VICTOR
You've got a pretty good team.
You're lucky.
Genres: ["Drama","Coming-of-age","Sports"]

Summary In a 24-hour diner, Jason and Mark engage in playful competition over a milkshake while enjoying their night out. Their fun is interrupted by Victor, a coach, who approaches Jason to discuss his football talent and subtly probes into his personal life. Jason shifts from lighthearted banter to a more serious tone, deflecting Victor's questions about his identity, revealing his discomfort. The scene captures the contrast between the casual diner atmosphere and the underlying tension of expectations, ending with Victor acknowledging Jason's football prowess, leaving questions about Jason's future and identity unresolved.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Some unclear character motivations
  • Lack of external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, reflection, and conflict to create a compelling and emotionally resonant moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring identity, diversity, and personal growth through a late-night diner conversation is unique and engaging, adding depth to the characters and the overall story.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses through character interactions and revelations, setting up future conflicts and character development.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a familiar setting, using dialogue to reveal character motivations and conflicts in a unique way.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and show depth through their interactions, revealing layers of conflict, humor, and vulnerability.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience subtle changes in their perspectives and relationships, setting the stage for future growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Jason's internal goal is to maintain his composure and assert his boundaries when faced with Victor's probing questions about his personal life.

External Goal: 7

Jason's external goal is to navigate the conversation with Victor without revealing too much about himself or his personal life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily driven by the characters' differing perspectives and goals.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Victor's probing questions challenging Jason's boundaries and values.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate in the scene, focusing more on personal growth and identity rather than external conflicts.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening character relationships, introducing new conflicts, and setting up future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turns in the conversation and the shifting power dynamics between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Jason's desire for privacy and Victor's need to meet a diversity quota. This challenges Jason's values of autonomy and self-determination.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, blending humor and vulnerability to create a poignant moment of self-discovery and reflection.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging, with a good mix of humor, emotion, and conflict, driving the scene forward and revealing character dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty banter between the characters and the underlying tension in the conversation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension and building suspense throughout the conversation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy scene in a screenplay, with clear character cues and scene descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-driven scene in a screenplay, with clear character interactions and progression.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a light-hearted atmosphere with the playful competition between Jason and Mark, which helps to contrast the darker themes present in the overall narrative. However, the transition to Victor's entrance feels abrupt and could benefit from a smoother lead-in to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • Victor's character is introduced with a somewhat menacing undertone, but the dialogue lacks sufficient tension to fully convey the threat he poses. The humor in Jason and Mark's banter is strong, but it overshadows the seriousness of Victor's intentions, which could dilute the impact of his character.
  • The dialogue between Jason and Victor touches on important themes of identity and societal expectations, but it feels somewhat forced. Victor's question about Jason's sexuality, while relevant, could be framed in a way that feels more organic to the conversation rather than as a checklist item.
  • Jason's response to Victor's question is a strong moment, showcasing his defiance and complexity. However, the subsequent exchange lacks depth. It would be beneficial to explore Jason's feelings about being scrutinized for his identity, which could add layers to his character and the scene.
  • The use of the jukebox as a backdrop for Mark's antics is a nice touch, but it could be leveraged further to enhance the mood. For instance, the choice of song could reflect the emotional state of the characters or foreshadow upcoming events.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of tension or unease before Victor approaches Jason, perhaps through a change in the diner atmosphere or a subtle shift in Jason's demeanor, to foreshadow Victor's entrance.
  • Enhance Victor's dialogue to include more subtle threats or implications about his interest in Jason, which would create a stronger sense of foreboding and tension in the scene.
  • Reframe Victor's question about Jason's sexuality to feel more like a natural part of the conversation rather than a checklist item. This could involve Victor sharing a personal anecdote or observation that leads into the question.
  • Explore Jason's internal conflict regarding his identity more deeply in his dialogue with Victor. This could involve him expressing frustration or confusion about societal expectations, which would add depth to his character.
  • Choose a song for the jukebox that resonates with the themes of the scene or the characters' emotional states, and consider having Mark's choice reflect a deeper meaning or foreshadowing of events to come.



Scene 30 -  A Fork in the Road
EXT. 24 HOUR DINER

A motorcycle pulls up outside.


INT. 24 HOUR DINER

Victor leans in, his gaze sharp and calculating.

VICTOR
But, luck runs out, doesn't it,
Jason? I'm here to offer you
something more than luck. A
guarantee.

Jason raises an eyebrow, a mixture of curiosity and suspicion.

JASON
What are you talking about?
83.


Victor smirks as a dark undertone develops.

VICTOR
I'm talking about securing your
future. The game is about to
change, Jason, and I want you on
the winning side. I've been
watching, assessing. You have the
potential to be a key player.

Jason shifts uncomfortably.

JASON
The only game I really play is
football.
Victor CHUCKLES.

VICTOR
Not a game, Jason. Destiny. There
are choices to be made, and you,
my friend, have a unique
opportunity to play your part.

JASON
If you're looking for an actor
it's the jukebox boy you want.

WESLEY
Every movement Jason.

The air is broken by Wesley.

WESLEY
You were suppose to text me your
every movement.

Jason looks at his dad sheepishly.

JASON
I told you where I was, what I
was doing.

Jason glances at Mark, who's returned from the Jukebox. Victor
stands and faces Wesley.

VICTOR
Mr. Hunter. How goes the
investigation?

Victor smiles.

WESLEY
It goes.
84.


Victor looks to Jason.

VICTOR
Think about what I said Jason.
Your future could be remarkable.

Victor exits leaving Jason, his father and Mark behind.

MARK
So like, a full scholarship?

Wesley looks at Mark, looks at Jason.

WESLEY
Let me guess, he's not walking
home.
Mark nods excitedly.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense late-night diner scene, Victor arrives on a motorcycle and presents Jason with a life-altering offer that hints at a darker future beyond football. Jason, skeptical and focused on his aspirations, resists Victor's manipulative suggestions. Wesley, Jason's concerned father, interrupts to remind Jason to keep him updated, adding to the protective atmosphere. As Victor departs, the unresolved tension leaves Jason conflicted about the implications of the encounter, while Mark attempts to lighten the mood with a joke about scholarships.
Strengths
  • Tense dialogue
  • Intriguing character dynamics
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Lack of visual cues

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and introduces a new layer of intrigue to the story. The dialogue is engaging, and the interaction between characters leaves the audience wanting to know more.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of introducing a mysterious character who offers a life-changing opportunity to the protagonist is intriguing and sets up potential conflicts and plot twists. The scene effectively introduces new elements to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around Victor's offer to Jason, adding a new layer of complexity to the story. The scene moves the plot forward by introducing a potential conflict and raising the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic 'recruitment' trope, adding layers of mystery and intrigue to the interaction between Victor and Jason. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, drawing the audience into the story.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Victor and Jason, are well-developed in this scene. Victor's mysterious and calculating demeanor contrasts with Jason's curiosity and suspicion, creating an engaging dynamic.

Character Changes: 7

Jason experiences a shift in perspective as he is presented with a life-changing opportunity by Victor. This moment has the potential to alter Jason's trajectory and character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Victor's internal goal is to recruit Jason for some unknown purpose, possibly related to a larger scheme or plan. This reflects Victor's desire for power, control, and influence over others.

External Goal: 7

Victor's external goal is to convince Jason to join him in a new venture or opportunity that could potentially change his life. This reflects Victor's immediate need to secure Jason's cooperation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Jason grapples with Victor's offer and the potential implications for his future. The tension between the characters adds depth to the conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Victor's persuasive tactics and Jason's reluctance creating a dynamic conflict that drives the scene forward. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of their interaction.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene, as Victor offers Jason a chance to change his future and potentially alter the course of the story. The decision Jason makes could have significant consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and raising the stakes for the characters. Victor's offer to Jason sets up future developments and plot twists.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the hidden agendas and conflicting motivations of the characters. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the interaction between Victor and Jason will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of destiny and choice. Victor presents Jason with a choice that could potentially alter his future, challenging Jason's beliefs about fate and free will.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, as the tension and suspense create a sense of unease and anticipation. The audience is emotionally invested in Jason's decision and the potential consequences.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, tense, and filled with subtext, adding depth to the character interactions. The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and intrigue of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mysterious and suspenseful atmosphere, sharp dialogue, and intriguing character dynamics. The audience is drawn into the unfolding drama and eager to learn more about Victor's offer and Jason's decision.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense leading to the climactic moment of Victor's offer to Jason. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a dialogue-heavy scene in a screenplay, with clear character cues and scene descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a suspenseful dialogue-driven sequence, building tension and conflict through the characters' interactions and revelations.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes tension between Jason and Victor, highlighting Victor's manipulative nature and Jason's discomfort. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to deepen the conflict. For instance, Victor's offer could be more ambiguous, leaving Jason (and the audience) questioning the true nature of what he's being offered.
  • Jason's response to Victor feels somewhat flat. While he expresses suspicion, it would be more engaging if he displayed a stronger emotional reaction, perhaps showing a mix of intrigue and fear. This would enhance the stakes and make the audience more invested in his dilemma.
  • Wesley's interruption serves to break the tension, but it also diffuses the moment too quickly. Instead, consider allowing the conversation between Jason and Victor to escalate further before Wesley intervenes, creating a more dramatic climax to the scene.
  • The transition from Victor's ominous offer to Wesley's casual inquiry about Jason's whereabouts feels abrupt. A smoother transition could help maintain the scene's tension. Perhaps Wesley could enter with a more urgent tone, reflecting his concern for Jason's safety.
  • Mark's line about a full scholarship adds a touch of humor, but it could also serve to highlight the contrast between the light-heartedness of their friendship and the darker implications of Victor's offer. This contrast could be emphasized further to enhance the emotional impact.
Suggestions
  • Add more layers to Victor's dialogue to create ambiguity around his intentions. This could involve using metaphors or vague language that hints at darker undertones without explicitly stating them.
  • Enhance Jason's emotional response to Victor's offer. Consider incorporating internal conflict or physical reactions (e.g., fidgeting, avoiding eye contact) to convey his discomfort more vividly.
  • Allow the conversation between Jason and Victor to build in intensity before Wesley interrupts. This could involve Victor pressing Jason on his ambitions or fears, creating a more dramatic confrontation.
  • Create a more seamless transition when Wesley enters. Perhaps he could overhear part of the conversation, which would heighten his concern and lead to a more urgent tone in his dialogue.
  • Consider expanding Mark's role in this scene. He could provide a contrasting perspective on Victor's offer, either by expressing excitement or skepticism, which would enrich the dynamics between the characters.



Scene 31 -  Struggles of a Father
INT. WESLEY'S HOUSE - LATER

Jason's already in the house. Wesley enters

JASON
What's the big deal?

Jason grabs the whiskey and opens it.

WESLEY
Hey! What are you doing?

Jason pours a glass and takes a drink. Jason COUGHS at the
burn.

JASON
Jesus, if it wasn't for me you
wouldn't eat half the time!

Dumbfounded, Wesley grabs the glass, then DRINKS.

WESLEY
Kids are going missing. Their
parents shooting themselves in
the head.

JASON
Please stop drinking.

WESLEY
I'm functional.
85.


JASON
Are you going to spike the punch
at homecoming tomorrow?

Wesley SLAMS the glass down on the counter.

WESLEY
Since when did the moral compass
glisten off the banks of a rainbow?

JASON
I'm starting to wish it was you
at that fucking club.

Jason's door SLAMS behind him. Wesley downs what's left in
the glass. His hand shakes as he again SLAMS the glass down.
WESLEY
Fuck!


EXT. WESLEY'S HOUSE

The motorcycle STARTS.


EXT. ROAD

Wesley rides the bike down the road.


INT. RICK'S

Wesley at the bar. The "bust before brains" bartender dries a
glass.

BARTENDER
Another?

WESLEY
Have I ever said no?

A drink POURS.

BARTENDER
Want some advice?

Wesley drinks.

MICHELLE (O.S.)
Have you met this cat?

Wesley doesn't turn.
86.


WESLEY
This time maybe.

MICHELLE
Do you know how much I care about
you? Eleven O'Clock care about
you.

WESLEY
My son's a faugh... a "modern
audience."

Michelle sharply exhales.

MICHELLE
At least you stopped yourself.
Michelle sits next to Wesley.

MICHELLE
Can I get mine with rocks?

The bartender puts some ice in a tumbler and pours.

BARTENDER
He's drinking doubles.

Michelle nods in agreement.

WESLEY
How the fuck do I do this without
Lindsay?

MICHELLE
You're a great dad Wes.

WESLEY
My son's been trying to come out
to me for over a year. Every
time he gets close I change the
subject. I'm a horrible dad.

MICHELLE
Horrible dad's don't get attempt
number 2s, or 3s...

WESLEY
Lindsay bought him that fucking
bracelet. She knew before he
did. He's a lot like his uncle.

Wesley goes to take another drink. Michelle puts her hand
over his glass.
87.


MICHELLE
Maybe you should call it for the
night.

WESLEY
Every morning I wake up. Four
twenty-nine. Sound familiar?
You woke me up with a phone call
at four-twenty-nine to tell me.
They just wanted to celebrate
their birthday. Her friends always
made me uncomfortable and we
couldn't afford a baby sitter
anyway.

Wesley pulls his drink away from Michelle.
MICHELLE
I got nothing in terms of advice.
Evil is real. That's why I'm a
cop. That's why you were.

WESLEY
If I was there I could have...

MICHELLE
...Left your son an orphan?

WESLEY
God damn-it Michelle.

Wesley drinks, Michelle pulls her badge out, tosses it on table.

MICHELLE
That's just a hunk of metal. For
most people it has the power to
freeze them in their tracks. It
protects me because society expects
it to, but there are places so
dangerous I'd never wear it.
Damn the consequences, your son
wears his bracelet everywhere he
goes with first hand knowledge of
how dangerous it could be. That's
a bravery he inherited.

WESLEY
Or stupidity.

BARTENDER
She's right.

Wesley stares at the bartender.
88.


WESLEY
She doesn't tip. So, really focus
on who's side your on.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a tense confrontation at Wesley's house, Jason expresses concern over Wesley's drinking and parenting, leading to an angry outburst from Wesley. After leaving on his motorcycle, Wesley seeks solace in a bar where he grapples with feelings of inadequacy as a father and the loss of his wife, Lindsay. Michelle attempts to support him, encouraging him to recognize his son's bravery amidst his struggles. The scene captures Wesley's emotional turmoil, unresolved as he stares at the bartender after a pointed remark.
Strengths
  • Emotive dialogue
  • Deep character exploration
  • Intense emotional conflict
Weaknesses
  • Heavy reliance on dialogue
  • Limited physical action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and strained dynamics between the characters, creating a tense and reflective atmosphere. The dialogue is impactful and reveals deep-seated emotions, enhancing the overall intensity of the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the strained relationship between a father and son, as well as the themes of grief, guilt, and communication barriers, is compelling and well-executed in the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot progression in the scene focuses on the emotional conflict and communication breakdown between the characters, driving the narrative forward through their intense interactions and revelations.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh and thought-provoking themes such as parental acceptance of LGBTQ children and the consequences of self-destructive behavior. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and showcase deep emotional complexity, especially in their interactions and dialogue. The father and son's internal struggles and conflicting emotions are portrayed convincingly, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Both characters undergo significant emotional changes during the scene, confronting their past traumas, expressing their inner turmoil, and attempting to bridge the communication gap between them.

Internal Goal: 8

Wesley's internal goal is to come to terms with his son's sexuality and his own failures as a father. This reflects his deeper need for acceptance and understanding.

External Goal: 7

Wesley's external goal is to drown his sorrows in alcohol and escape from his problems. This reflects the immediate challenges he's facing in dealing with his son's coming out.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on the emotional turmoil and communication barriers between the father and son. The tension and unresolved issues contribute to the overall intensity of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs and values driving the character interactions. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of the characters' choices and actions.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in terms of the emotional impact on the characters, the potential for healing or further conflict in their relationship, and the resolution of past traumas and communication barriers.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the emotional conflict between the characters, revealing key aspects of their relationship, and setting the stage for further character development and narrative progression.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in character interactions and revelations. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the characters will react or what decisions they will make.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Wesley's self-destructive behavior and Michelle's belief in facing reality and taking responsibility. This challenges Wesley's beliefs about his role as a father and his coping mechanisms.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, regret, and empathy for the characters' struggles. The intense emotions and raw vulnerability displayed by the characters resonate with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is emotive, impactful, and reveals the characters' inner thoughts and emotions effectively. It drives the scene forward and enhances the intensity of the interactions between the father and son.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, relatable characters, and thought-provoking themes. The dialogue and character interactions draw the audience in and keep them invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions enhances the overall impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly and enhances the overall flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure with clear character motivations and conflicts. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the emotional intensity of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension between Wesley and Jason, showcasing their strained father-son relationship. However, the dialogue can feel a bit on-the-nose at times, particularly when Jason directly addresses Wesley's drinking. This could be more subtly implied through their interactions rather than explicitly stated.
  • Wesley's emotional turmoil is palpable, but the scene could benefit from more visual storytelling. For instance, showing Wesley's physical reactions (like his shaking hand) could enhance the emotional weight without relying solely on dialogue.
  • The transition from the house to the bar feels abrupt. A brief moment of reflection or a visual cue (like Wesley looking back at the house) could help bridge this transition and emphasize his emotional state as he leaves.
  • Michelle's entrance at the bar introduces a new dynamic, but her dialogue could be more impactful. Instead of stating how much she cares, perhaps she could share a personal anecdote that illustrates her concern for Wesley, making her support feel more genuine.
  • The bartender's comments add a layer of humor, but they could be more integrated into the scene. Instead of having him interject abruptly, consider having him respond to Wesley's comments in a way that feels more organic to the conversation.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the dialogue to make it feel more natural and less expository. Allow the characters to express their feelings through actions and subtext rather than direct statements.
  • Incorporate more physicality into the scene. Show Wesley's struggle with his drink and his emotions through body language, which can convey his internal conflict without needing to articulate it all verbally.
  • Enhance the transition between locations by adding a moment of reflection for Wesley as he leaves the house, perhaps showing a brief flash of memory or emotion that connects him to his son.
  • Deepen Michelle's character by giving her a more personal stake in the conversation. This could involve sharing a story about her own family or experiences that relate to Wesley's situation, making her advice feel more earned.
  • Integrate the bartender's role more smoothly into the scene. Instead of having him interrupt, let him respond to the ongoing conversation, providing a more cohesive flow and enhancing the atmosphere of the bar.



Scene 32 -  Dance Preparations and Playful Banter
EXT. MARK'S HOUSE

Jason KNOCKS on the door. Gloria OPENS it and Jason smiles.

JASON
Is Mark ready.

GLORIA
Well, isn't he a lucky boy?

Jason blushes as Gloria ushers him in..

INT. MARK'S HOUSE

Jason waits in the living room. Mark enters dressed in a flashy
gray suit with sky blue dress shirt and a pink tie. Jason
smiles as Mark does a SPIN.

MARK
What do you think?

JASON
You always look so amazing.

MARK
Goodwill!

GLORIA
I told you he'd love it!

MARK
Look at the way she dresses, I
was super nervous!

Mark looks Jason up and down.

MARK
You look... normal.

JASON
I have a football game to win.


EXT. MARK'S HOUSE

Ben, Tucker and Chris piled in the back seat of the parked
car. Jason holds the door for Mark who climbs in.
89.


Jason gets in the driver's seat. Gloria waves good bye. Jason
STARTS the engine. Mark waves good bye to his mother.

GLORIA
I'll see you at the dance!


INT. JASON'S CAR

Jason looks at Mark.

JASON
She's coming to the dance?

MARK
She didn't want to miss my first
dance.

TUCKER
I talk to my therapist all the
time about setting up healthy
parental boundaries.

BEN
Have you guys kissed yet?

JASON
Stop it!

CHRIS
Inquiring minds want to know!

Chris pushes on the front seat.

JASON
He wouldn't even lick the chocolate
milk off my lips.

MARK
It was MY chocolate milk!

TUCKER
This is a weird story.

MARK
Maybe you should talk to your
therapist about it.

Everyone LAUGHS.

TUCKER
Not funny.
90.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Jason arrives at Mark's house to pick him up for a dance, where he is greeted by Mark's mother, Gloria, who playfully teases him about Mark's flashy outfit. Mark shows off his suit, and the friends share light-hearted banter about their attire and relationships. As they prepare to leave, Gloria reminds them she'll be attending the dance, leading to humorous discussions among the boys about boundaries and relationships. The scene is filled with laughter and camaraderie, ending with the group driving off excitedly.
Strengths
  • Natural dialogue
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Humorous moments
Weaknesses
  • Minimal plot progression
  • Low conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances humor, affection, and awkwardness, creating an engaging and entertaining dynamic between the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of friends preparing for a school dance and teasing each other is relatable and engaging, providing a light-hearted moment amidst potential darker storylines.

Plot: 6

While the plot progression is minimal in this scene, it serves as a character-building moment and sets the stage for potential conflicts and developments in the future.

Originality: 8

The scene demonstrates a level of originality through its fresh approach to teenage social dynamics and humor. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and unique to their personalities.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and dynamics that shine through in their interactions, adding depth and authenticity to the scene.

Character Changes: 4

While there are subtle hints of character growth and dynamics shifting, the changes are not significant in this particular scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to impress Mark and fit in with his friends. This reflects his deeper need for acceptance and validation from his peers.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to drive Mark and his friends to the dance. This reflects the immediate circumstances of the event they are attending and the challenge of navigating social dynamics.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The conflict level is low in this scene, focusing more on light-hearted banter and friendship dynamics rather than intense conflicts.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with some conflict and tension between the characters but ultimately resolved in a light-hearted manner. The audience is left wondering about the characters' relationships and dynamics.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes are low in this scene, focusing more on light-hearted interactions and character dynamics rather than high-stakes conflicts.

Story Forward: 5

The scene moves the story forward by establishing character relationships and dynamics, setting the stage for potential conflicts and developments in the future.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected humor and twists in the characters' interactions. The audience is kept on their toes by the witty banter and surprising revelations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the characters' views on boundaries, relationships, and humor. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about social norms and personal boundaries.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, including humor, affection, and a touch of awkwardness, creating a relatable and engaging emotional experience for the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and natural, effectively conveying the relationships and emotions of the characters while keeping the scene light-hearted and engaging.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty banter, humor, and relatable interactions between the characters. The audience is drawn into the dynamics of the group and invested in the protagonist's journey.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and humor, with well-timed dialogue and character interactions. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It is easy to follow and visually engaging.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene transitions and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a light-hearted moment before the dance, showcasing the camaraderie between Jason, Mark, and their friends. However, the humor feels somewhat forced at times, particularly with the dialogue about the chocolate milk, which may distract from the main focus of the scene.
  • The character dynamics are well-established, especially the playful banter between Jason and Mark. However, the scene could benefit from deeper emotional stakes. Given the context of the screenplay, where darker themes are prevalent, it might be more impactful to hint at underlying tensions or insecurities that the characters are grappling with, even in a light-hearted setting.
  • The dialogue flows naturally, but some lines could be tightened for clarity and impact. For instance, the exchange about the therapist could be more concise to maintain the comedic rhythm without losing the audience's attention.
  • The visual elements are engaging, particularly Mark's flashy outfit, which serves as a metaphor for his character's desire to stand out. However, the scene could benefit from more descriptive action lines that illustrate the characters' body language and expressions, enhancing the comedic and emotional undertones.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one feels abrupt. A smoother segue could help maintain narrative continuity and provide a clearer emotional context for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of vulnerability or a hint of tension between Jason and Mark to balance the humor with emotional depth. This could be a brief exchange that alludes to their feelings about the dance or their relationship.
  • Tighten the dialogue by removing any unnecessary words or phrases that do not contribute to character development or humor. For example, streamline the conversation about the therapist to keep the pace lively.
  • Incorporate more physical actions or reactions from the characters to complement the dialogue. For instance, show Jason's nervousness or excitement through his body language as he interacts with Mark and his friends.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions of the setting and characters to create a more vivid picture for the audience. This could include details about the decor of Mark's house or the expressions on the characters' faces as they engage in playful banter.
  • Consider a more gradual transition from the previous scene to this one, perhaps by including a brief moment of reflection for Jason as he approaches Mark's house, which could set the tone for the upcoming dance.



Scene 33 -  Echoes of the Past
INT. FUNERAL PARLOR

An enlarged portrait of Bruce prominently displayed next to
the closed casket. Wesley sits in the back watching.

William enters the parlor and makes his way to the casket.
Wesley watches as William makes the sign of the cross.

When William sits down Wesley stands and sits in the row behind
him.

WESLEY
You knew Bruce?

William nods.
WILLIAM
First his son, now this.

William shutters as Wesley leans in.

WESLEY
How close were you?

WILLIAM
You grow apart the older you get.
When he saw my son in the paper
he called to ask if I could get
his son the same coverage. Then
he killed himself the next day.
The paper got a two for one.

WESLEY
What year did you graduate?

WILLIAM
Two-thousand. Most of the cadets
at that school went on to be great
men. Bruce's soul was too haunted.

WESLEY
By what?

WILLIAM
Pack's of bad decisions tend to
follow one another. But, I can't
say I haven't thought about it...

WESLEY
I don't see you as "the easy way
out" kind of guy.
91.


WILLIAM
Without our progeny, what is the
purpose of any of this?

WESLEY
The end of a line.

Something crosses Wesley's face.


INT. WESLEY'S INVESTIGATION OFFICE

Wesley SLAMS the two-thousand year book of the Military school
on his desk, OPENS the first page.

"In Loving Memory of Alan Wick: 1983 - 2000" A couple more
pages.

A football team. 2000 Champs!

Turns the page. Three Amigos. A younger William, Bruce and
Garret Ponder - Ben's dad.

Turns the page. "Best friends for Life." Victor Campus and
Alan Wick.

WESLEY
You have to be kidding me.

Wesley pulls out his cell, DIALS.

MICHELLE (O.S.)
Hello?

WESLEY
Hey Michelle, can you dig out a
twenty year old case file for me?
Alan Wick. Born 1983, died 2000.
I need to know if that's natural
or not.

Time passes as Wesley spins in his chair.

His phone RINGS. He scrambles to answer it.

WESLEY
Go ahead.

MICHELLE
Where did you dig this name up
at?
92.


WESLEY
Military School yearbook. Hit me
with it.

MICHELLE
Ruled a suicide. Are you ready
for the person's of interests?

WESLEY
As I'll ever be.

MICHELLE
William Merit, Bruce Trout, and a
one deputy Garret Ponder.

WESLEY
Where is his son right now?

MICHELLE
It's homecoming.

Wesley frowns in realization.

WESLEY
Fuck.

A Marching Band PLAYS.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary At Bruce's funeral, Wesley engages William in a poignant conversation about their shared history with Bruce and the tragic events surrounding his death. William reflects on his complicated relationship with Bruce, revealing a haunting past linked to Bruce's son and a suicide case involving Alan Wick. As Wesley uncovers these connections, he is left with a sense of unresolved conflict and a determination to investigate further.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Intriguing mystery setup
  • Well-developed characters
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly expository
  • Character interactions could be more dynamic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through the exploration of past events and the revelation of potential secrets, keeping the audience engaged and curious.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of uncovering past relationships and investigating a potential suicide adds depth to the storyline and creates intrigue for the audience.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses by revealing new information about the characters and setting up a mystery surrounding the past events, keeping the audience engaged and curious.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on themes of loss, guilt, and responsibility, offering a nuanced portrayal of complex characters and their interconnected pasts. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and realism to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Wesley and William are well-developed in this scene, with their interactions revealing insights into their past and motivations.

Character Changes: 6

There is some character development, particularly for Wesley, as he delves into the past and uncovers new information that may impact his present.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to come to terms with the loss of a friend and reflect on the impact of past decisions on their current situation. This reflects their deeper need for closure and understanding of their own choices.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to investigate the circumstances surrounding the deaths of their friend and potentially uncover new information. This reflects the immediate challenge of solving a mystery and seeking justice.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is more internal and reflective, as Wesley grapples with the revelations about the past and the potential implications for the present.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting emotions, moral dilemmas, and unresolved mysteries creating obstacles for the protagonist. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will navigate these challenges.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as Wesley uncovers potentially troubling information about the past, which could have significant implications for the present.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing new information about the characters and setting up a mystery that will likely drive future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelations about the characters' pasts, the shifting dynamics between the protagonist and other characters, and the unresolved mysteries that drive the narrative forward.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of guilt, responsibility, and the consequences of past actions. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about accountability and the impact of their decisions on others.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, as the characters reflect on past events and grapple with the implications of their discoveries.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and reflective tone of the scene, as well as providing important information about the characters and their relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, intriguing mystery, and complex character dynamics. The dialogue and interactions draw the audience in, creating a sense of suspense and curiosity.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a balance of dialogue, action, and reflection. The rhythm of the scene enhances its emotional impact and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines are concise and evocative.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic mystery, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm effectively build tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a somber tone appropriate for a funeral, and the dialogue between Wesley and William reveals important backstory and character motivations. However, the pacing feels a bit rushed, especially in the transition from the funeral to Wesley's investigation office. This could be improved by allowing more time for the emotional weight of the funeral to resonate before jumping into the investigation.
  • The dialogue is generally strong, but some lines could benefit from more subtext. For example, when Wesley says, 'I don't see you as 'the easy way out' kind of guy,' it feels a bit on-the-nose. Instead, consider using more indirect language that allows the audience to infer the deeper implications of their conversation.
  • The connection between Bruce's suicide and the current investigation is intriguing, but it could be made clearer how this impacts Wesley's motivations. A brief moment of reflection from Wesley after learning about Alan Wick's case could enhance the emotional stakes and provide a stronger link between the two storylines.
  • The transition from the funeral to the investigation office is abrupt. Consider adding a visual or auditory cue that bridges these two locations, such as a lingering shot of the funeral parlor or the sound of the marching band that leads into the next scene. This would create a smoother flow and maintain the emotional continuity.
  • The introduction of the yearbook is a strong visual element, but it could be enhanced by describing Wesley's physical reaction to the images he sees. This would help convey his emotional state and the weight of the discoveries he is making.
Suggestions
  • Slow down the pacing after the funeral scene to allow the emotional impact to settle. Consider adding a moment where Wesley reflects on the loss before transitioning to the investigation.
  • Revise dialogue to incorporate more subtext and indirect communication. This will create a more nuanced interaction between characters and engage the audience's interpretation.
  • Include a brief moment of introspection for Wesley after he learns about Alan Wick's case to clarify how this information affects his investigation and emotional state.
  • Add a visual or auditory transition between the funeral and the investigation office to create a smoother narrative flow and maintain emotional continuity.
  • Enhance the visual storytelling by describing Wesley's physical reactions to the yearbook images, which will help convey his emotional journey and the significance of his findings.



Scene 34 -  Touchdowns and Transformations
EXT. ELSINORE HIGH FOOTBALL FIELD - NIGHT

Drums BEAT. Horns BLOW. A tiger does a cartwheel. The stands
ROAR to life as the Tigers take the field.

A team huddle.

TEAM
Break!

They all clap and line up. Jason ready for the ball. HIKE.
Jason catches the ball. Tucker breaks free. The ball is
thrown. DEFLECTION.

Mark CHEERS from the sidelines. Jason looks around. No Wesley.

Jason gets TACKLED. Coach Wilson rubs his head.

Titans have the ball. Shawn runs. TACKLE. Field goal. Good.

Crowd BOOS.

Jason throws: Tucker CATCHES, RUNS. Touchdown. ELECTRIFIED.

Jason is TACKLED. Mark REELS.
93.


A Titan touchdown. Tigers field goal.

Score board: 4th down, 3 Seconds. Dirty sweaty Tigers huddle.

JASON
Viking 3. Okay?

TUCKER
My legs are killing me.

CHRIS
We got your back.

BEN
Do we really?
TEAM
Break!

Jason looks up, no Wesley. Mark watches excited.

HIKE. Jason scans. No openings. A Titan breaks the line -
RUSHES.

Chris SLAMS into the Titan buying Jason enough time to launch
the ball.

The BUZZER sounds. A perfect spin through the air.

Tucker CATCHES and baubles, STUMBLES to the ground. Ben rushes
up just in time and CATCHES it.

Jason watches, bated breath.

A Titan DIVES at Ben, Ben leaps over him. Mid air COLLISION
with another Titan. Ben falls face first into the end zone.

Ben rolls over holding the football. Everyone erupts! The
team group celebrates. Jason looks around. No Wesley.


EXT. LOCKER ROOM

Jason is about to enter the locker room.

WESLEY
Jason!

Wesley runs up, Jason isn't having any of it.

JASON
You promised!
94.


WESLEY
There's a really serious
development in the case.

JASON
I'm glad it was worth the game
winning throw.

Jason turns around and heads toward the locker room.

WESLEY
Jason!

Jason faces his dad.

JASON
Dad... what this looks like is
exactly what it feels like. I'll
let you know when the punch is
spiked.

Jason enters the locker room. Wesley KICKS the wall.


INT. HOMECOMING - NIGHT

A DJ PLAYS music. Teenagers dance.

A ladle fills with punch, POURS into a glass. Mark drinks.

GLORIA
You're so Dapper!

Gloria pinches Mark's cheek.

MARK
Mom!

Ben, Chris, Tucker and their girlfriends laugh at Mark.

Wesley walks up to the punch bowl.

Gym door opens revealing Jason in a slick black suit, grasping
a single stem rose.

Jason and Mark lock eyes from across the gym.

Jason and Mark pass along their peers getting closer.

They both smile at one another and Jason raises the rose up.

Mark presses it to his nose. SMELLS. Euphoria.
95.


ANNOUNCER
Alright ladies and gentlemen -
it's time to crown your king and
queen.

Everyone gathers.

Wesley drinks.

GLORIA
How is it?

WESLEY
A little too virgin for my tastes.

ANNOUNCER
Your Homecoming King - Jason
Hunter!

CHEERS. Jason blushes, leaves Mark's side. Mark smiles as a
crown is placed on Jason's head.

ANNOUNCER
And the moment you've all been
waiting for. Your homecoming
QUEEN! Elizabeth Brody!

CHEERS as Wesley smiles Elizabeth walks up, the crown on her
head. "Truly, Madly, Deeply" by Savage Garden starts to play
as Elizabeth takes Jason's hand.

They dance.

ELIZABETH
This is a little awkward.

JASON
Expected.

Jason steps on Elizabeth's foot.

ELIZABETH
Ow!

JASON
Sorry.

Elizabeth senses Jason's unease. She looks down at the rainbow
bracelet.

ELIZABETH
I owe you an apology.
96.


JASON
No, you don't.

ELIZABETH
It's not wasted on me how hard
this was for you too. How hard
it's going to be. I get it. You
want to be dancing with someone
else right now.

Jason looks over at Mark.

JASON
I'm ok with Tradition.

Elizabeth lets go of Jason.
Elizabeth walks up to Mark.

ELIZABETH
I hate everything about this.

Wesley watches as Elizabeth takes Mark's hand, leads him to
Jason who's mouth drops and eyes widen.

ELIZABETH
Screw tradition.

Mark walks into Jason's grasp as Elizabeth walks away. Students
ERUPT with PRAISE. Jason and Mark dance.

Wesley SEES his son, takes a drink.

GLORIA
They are so adorable!

Text ALERT. Ben pulls out his phone. Dad: Meet me in the
parking lot.

Out of the corner of his eye Wesley witnesses Ben exiting.
Genres: ["Drama","Teen","Sports"]

Summary During a high school football game, Jason leads the Tigers to victory against the Titans, but faces tension with his father, Wesley, who tries to discuss a serious matter. The scene shifts to the homecoming dance, where Jason is crowned king and shares a significant dance with Mark, defying traditional expectations and embracing his identity, while Elizabeth supports him amidst the awkwardness.
Strengths
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Effective character development
  • Engaging plot progression
  • Multi-layered conflicts
  • Realistic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched moments
  • Slight predictability in character interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines multiple elements such as sports, teenage drama, family conflict, and emotional growth. The pacing is well-balanced, and the emotional impact is strong.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of combining a high school football game climax with a Homecoming dance, father-son conflict, and teenage relationships is unique and engaging. It adds depth to the overall narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in the scene is significant, moving from the intense football game to the emotional Homecoming dance, and resolving the father-son conflict. The stakes are high, especially for the characters involved.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the high school sports and social event genre by exploring themes of personal agency, tradition, and friendship in a nuanced and emotionally resonant way. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with clear arcs and growth shown throughout the scene. Their interactions feel authentic and contribute to the overall emotional impact.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, particularly Jason and Wesley, as they navigate their relationship and personal growth. The interactions with other characters also contribute to their development.

Internal Goal: 8

Jason's internal goal is to navigate his relationships with his father, Wesley, and his friend, Mark, amidst the excitement of the football game and homecoming dance. This reflects his need for validation, acceptance, and understanding.

External Goal: 7

Jason's external goal is to win the football game and navigate the social dynamics of the homecoming dance. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing in high school.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is multi-layered, including the football game rivalry, the father-son tension, and the romantic relationships. It adds depth and tension to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, with obstacles and challenges that keep the audience engaged and unsure of the outcome.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, especially for the characters involved in the football game, the Homecoming dance, and the father-son conflict. The outcomes have significant implications for their relationships and future.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by resolving some conflicts, introducing new dynamics, and setting the stage for future developments. It adds depth to the overall narrative and keeps the audience invested.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it subverts traditional expectations of a high school sports and social event scene by introducing unexpected twists and character choices that challenge the status quo.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between tradition and individual choice. Elizabeth challenges the traditional expectations of the homecoming dance by choosing to dance with Mark instead of Jason, highlighting the importance of personal agency and breaking societal norms.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, with moments of joy, tension, awkwardness, and heartwarming interactions. The audience is likely to be deeply engaged with the characters and their struggles.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is effective in conveying the emotions and conflicts present in the scene. It captures the essence of teenage relationships and family dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines high-stakes action with emotional depth, creating a compelling narrative that keeps the audience invested in the characters' journeys.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional resonance, with a balance of action sequences and character interactions that keep the story moving forward at a compelling pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre with proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear progression from the football game to the homecoming dance, building tension and emotional stakes along the way.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the excitement of a high school football game, using vivid imagery and sound to immerse the audience in the atmosphere. However, the transition from the game to the locker room feels abrupt. The emotional stakes could be heightened by including more internal conflict for Jason regarding his father's absence during such a pivotal moment.
  • Jason's dialogue with Wesley is impactful, showcasing their strained relationship. However, the line 'I'll let you know when the punch is spiked' feels slightly forced and could be rephrased to sound more natural. It detracts from the emotional weight of the moment.
  • The homecoming dance sequence is visually engaging, but the pacing slows down significantly after the football game. The shift from the high-energy game to the dance could benefit from a smoother transition, perhaps by including a moment of reflection for Jason as he prepares for the dance.
  • The dialogue between Jason and Elizabeth is realistic, but it lacks depth. While it touches on Jason's internal struggle, it could be enhanced by adding more subtext or emotional resonance, particularly regarding Jason's feelings about his identity and the societal pressures he faces.
  • The climax of the scene, where Elizabeth hands off Mark to Jason, is a powerful moment that subverts traditional expectations. However, it could be strengthened by providing more context about Jason's feelings towards Mark and the significance of this moment for both characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of introspection for Jason during the game, perhaps showing his thoughts about his father's absence or his feelings about the pressure of the game, to deepen the emotional stakes.
  • Revise Jason's line about the punch to make it feel more organic and less like a scripted response. This could involve using a more casual or humorous tone that fits his character.
  • Create a smoother transition between the football game and the dance by including a moment where Jason reflects on the game and his father's absence, perhaps while getting ready or on the way to the dance.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Jason and Elizabeth by incorporating more emotional depth, allowing Jason to express his internal conflict more clearly, which would resonate with the audience.
  • Expand on the moment when Elizabeth hands off Mark to Jason by including a brief exchange that highlights their feelings for each other, making the moment more impactful and meaningful.



Scene 35 -  Descent into Chaos
EXT. EHS PARKING LOT

Ben lopes into the parking lot and looks around. Spots his
dad's truck, engine ON, driver's door open, cab empty.

As Ben turns the corner Garret is tied up in the truck.

BEN
Dad!

Ben rushes to Garret's side, undoes a knot.
97.


Garret GROANS through a gag, wide eye worry. A hand with a
white cloth wraps around Ben's mouth and lifts back.

Ben FLAILS about, but Victor is too strong. Ben gets weak...and
weaker...and weaker.

Victor and Ben CRASH into the front fender of the truck as
Wesley throws his entire body at them.

Victor lets go of Ben who's too dizzy to stay standing.

Wesley has a tight grip on Victor but a Head-butt jars him.
Wesley releases Victor.

Victor pulls out the cattle prod and JAMS it into Wesley's
side. CRACKLE. Wesley drops to his knees. Victor PULLS Garret
out of the truck.

WESLEY
Oh, come on.

Wesley needs a moment. The truck PEELS out. Victor is gone.


EXT. GYM - LATER

Police lights color the walls of the gym.


INT. GYM

The dance is over. Police are everywhere. Garret is talking
to an officer.

GARRET
Put an APB out for my truck.

Garret walks up to Ben who sits next to Michelle, Chris and
Tucker.

GARRET
Are you ok?

BEN
I could'a took him.

Wesley paces back and forth looking at his phone. The Ping
App is "Searching." Michelle walks up.

MICHELLE
We got the address, there's a
raid in progress.
98.


WESLEY
I can't find my son.

MICHELLE
Where were you on homecoming?

WESLEY
Exactly what I'm afraid of.

Wesley looks at his phone as the trace PINGS. The look out.
Wesley, angry, storms out.

MICHELLE
Don't kill them!

EXT. PARKING LOT

Wesley gets on his bike. TURNS the key. IGNITION. KICK-STAND.
VROOM! VROOM! The bike takes off.


EXT. LOOK OUT - NIGHT

Jason and Mark sit together at the cliff's edge.

MARK
My mom would kill me if she knew
I was up here!

JASON
Knowing my parents, I'm pretty
sure I was conceived here.

Mark GIGGLES.

MARK
What did your mom look like?

Jason opens his cell, hands it to Mark.

JASON
That's her.

MARK
You have her eyes.

Jason places the crown on Mark's head. It SINKS to his ears.

MARK
My brain's not that big, besides...

Mark's gaze never wanes as he puts the crown on Jason's head.
99.


MARK
It looks better on you: Your
Majesty.

Jason is captivated. It DAWNS on him.

JASON
I've spent my whole life worried
about what other people think,
what my dad thinks, but you...
you're just you.

MARK
I never had a dad to get in the
way. My mom...
Mark looks around.

MARK
...Who would be mortified to know
I'm up here.

JASON
It's just the lookout. There's
restaurant and everything

MARK
This is where people go to... you
know.

Jason scoots closer to Mark.

JASON
Does that make you nervous?

Mark peers down.

MARK
Heights make me nervous.

JASON
What about lips?

Mark GIGGLES.

MARK
Never even been kissed...except
by my mom, and that doesn't count!

Jason smiles, leans in. Headlights PIERCE the night. Jason
and Mark separate.

A truck comes to a STOP. The door OPENS and Victor steps out.
100.


VICTOR
Here I was thinking that bracelet
meant "God's Promise."

MARK
Why is your football scout here?

VICTOR
I didn't even want you Jason, but
there's always room for a wild
card.

JASON
Not gonna lie: little creepy.

Victor closes the car door revealing the cattle prod in his
hand.

VICTOR
I'm going to have to ask you to
come with me.

JASON
I have to give Mark a ride home,
so I'm going to have to politely
decline.

Victor steps forward.

VICTOR
Hand him your keys. He's a grown
boy.

Jason stands and faces Victor, reaches into his pocket and
grabs his car keys. He holds them out to Mark.

MARK
I can't drive!

JASON
Lock yourself in the car.

Mark grabs the keys. Victor watches as he approaches the car.

VICTOR
Come willingly and we won't play
"Smear the Queer."

Mark OPENS the door and climbs in.

JASON
I dare you to call him that again.

Door LOCKS.
101.


VICTOR
It's in the acronym

Jason charges and SPEARS Victor against the truck. Victor
drops the Cattle-prod.

Victor puts Jason in a headlock. Jason PUNCHES Victor's ribs.
Victor lifts as he constricts his arm. SLAMS his elbow in
Jason's spine.

Mark watches.

Jason can't breath. The strength of his punches FADE. Jason
is barely conscious as Victor drops him to the ground.

Victor walks over to his Cattle-Prod and picks it up.
Mark watches.

Victor slams the cattle prod into Jason's back. Jason squirms
on the ground. Victor looks up and into the car at Mark.

VICTOR
You didn't come willingly.

Victor starts to march toward the car. Mark scrambles to the
other side afraid. Jason leaps and grabs Victor by the legs.

Victor jabs the cattle prod into Jason again and again. Mark
watches in horror.

Victor holds the cattle-prod over Jason. CRACKLE. Victor
rears back ready to shock Jason.

Mark jumps onto Victor's back and BITES Victor's neck. Victor
SCREAMS and drops the cattle-prod, TWISTING and TURNING.

Victor reaches back, grabs a fist full of hair. Mark SCREAMS,
starts to HIT Victor as hard as he can but ineffective.

Mark's glasses fall to the ground. CRACK as Victor steps on
them. Dusty shoes kick them toward Jason.

VICTOR
Get off of me you little fa...

Victor SLAMS his back into a boulder. Mark's legs loosen their
grip. Victor throws him over the edge. Mark falls.

Jason's heart shatters. He RUSHES Victor and TACKLES him.

Jason reaches back and PUNCHES Victor in the face. AGAIN.
AGAIN. AGAIN. Victor catches Jason's wrist by the bracelet.
102.


Victor holds his arm at bay and stretches for the cattle prod.
The bracelet SNAPS, rainbow beads SCATTER.

Jason's fist SLAMS into Victor's face. The CRACKLE of
electricity, cattle-prod to Jason's neck. Victor HOLDS it.

Victor rolls Jason off of him. Victor stands, SHOCKS Jason
again. AGAIN. AGAIN. Victor KICKS Jason in the ribs.

Victor WIPES the blood from his face, pulls a cloth from his
pocket. Jason stirs.

Lifted by his hair, a cloth covers mouth. MUFFLES. Collapse.

Victor stands over Jason.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Ben arrives at the parking lot to find his father, Garret, tied up in a truck. As he attempts to rescue him, Victor attacks, incapacitating Ben and overpowering Wesley, who tries to help. Victor escapes with Garret's truck, leaving chaos behind. Later, at the gym, Garret reports the incident while Wesley frantically searches for his son. Meanwhile, at a lookout, Jason and Mark confront Victor, leading to a violent altercation where Jason is attacked with a cattle prod and Mark is thrown over the edge, leaving their fate uncertain.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • High stakes
  • Impactful visuals
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Potentially triggering content

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, with intense action, emotional depth, and significant character development. The stakes are high, and the conflict is palpable, keeping the audience engaged throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a dramatic showdown at a lookout point, involving a violent confrontation and significant character revelations, is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot is gripping, with the scene serving as a crucial turning point in the story, revealing key character dynamics and setting up future conflicts.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a mix of teenage drama and criminal elements, blending action with emotional moments. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and undergo significant changes during the scene, adding depth and complexity to the story.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo significant changes during the scene, particularly in their relationships and understanding of each other, leading to potential growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Ben's internal goal is to protect his father and friends from danger, reflecting his deep need for security and loyalty.

External Goal: 7

Ben's external goal is to rescue his father and friends from the criminals, reflecting the immediate challenge of facing dangerous individuals.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving physical, emotional, and moral struggles between the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing physical and emotional challenges that are difficult to overcome. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with characters' lives and relationships on the line, adding tension and urgency to the confrontation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, revealing key plot points, character dynamics, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists, intense confrontations, and high stakes. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of sacrifice for loved ones and the consequences of standing up to evil forces. It challenges Ben's beliefs about the importance of family and friendship.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, eliciting fear, shock, and sadness from the audience as they witness the characters' intense struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and impactful, effectively conveying the characters' emotions and motivations in the high-stakes situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, emotional stakes, and character dynamics. The audience is drawn into the conflict and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and emotional beats. It keeps the audience engaged and maintains tension throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows standard formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. It is easy to follow and visualize.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined action sequences, dialogue, and character interactions. It maintains tension and pacing effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension with the sudden confrontation between Ben and Victor, but the pacing feels rushed. The transition from Ben discovering his father tied up to the physical altercation could benefit from more buildup to heighten the stakes and emotional impact.
  • Character motivations could be clearer. For instance, while Ben's instinct to save his father is understandable, the scene lacks a moment that showcases his emotional state or internal conflict before he rushes in. Adding a brief moment of hesitation or fear could deepen the audience's connection to Ben.
  • Wesley's entrance is dramatic, but his actions could be more impactful if they were framed with a clearer emotional context. The audience should feel his desperation and urgency to save his son, which could be enhanced through internal dialogue or flashbacks that highlight their relationship.
  • Victor's character comes off as a typical villain without much depth. Providing a glimpse into his motivations or backstory, even subtly, could make him a more compelling antagonist. This could be achieved through dialogue or a brief flashback that hints at his past.
  • The dialogue is functional but lacks emotional weight. Lines like 'Oh, come on' from Wesley feel too casual for the gravity of the situation. More emotionally charged dialogue could enhance the tension and stakes of the scene.
  • The physicality of the fight is described well, but the choreography could be clearer. For example, detailing how Wesley manages to throw his body at Victor could create a more vivid image of the struggle. Additionally, the aftermath of the fight could be explored more to show the physical and emotional toll on the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of reflection for Ben before he rushes to help his father, allowing the audience to connect with his fear and determination.
  • Enhance Wesley's emotional stakes by incorporating internal thoughts or flashbacks that illustrate his relationship with Ben, making his actions more relatable.
  • Develop Victor's character by including a line or two that hints at his motivations or past, making him a more nuanced antagonist.
  • Revise the dialogue to reflect the high stakes of the situation, ensuring that characters express their fear, urgency, and emotional turmoil more vividly.
  • Clarify the choreography of the fight scene to create a more dynamic and engaging visual experience for the audience.



Scene 36 -  A Moment of Crisis
EXT. VICTOR'S HOUSE

Police cars descend on the property. Officers charge the front
door.

KNOCKS and SLAMS. The front door CAVES in. Police POUR in
guns drawn. CLAMMER of an assault.


INT. THE MILLENNIUM ROOM

Plates with half eaten dinners. Billy and Austin aren't there.


EXT. HIGHWAY TO THE LOOKOUT - MOMENTS LATER

Wesley ZOOMS past a truck.

The bike turns a corner and ZOOMS by.

A straight path the bike rides down as it climbs in elevation.

A long curve with a steep cliff the bike banks around.


EXT. LOOK OUT

The bike pulls up. Wesley throws him helmet down, gets off.

Looks at the car. No one. He backs up and STEPS on a bead,
Looks down, rainbow colors scattered about.

The PING places Jason's phone over the edge. Wesley peers.

Wesley see's a boy on the ground not moving.

Wesley scales down the cliff. LEAPS a few feet up. Lands.
103.


WESLEY
Jason?

He turns Mark over. Disappointment. Shakes it off. Puts his
ear next to Mark's mouth.

WESLEY
Shit!

Wesley starts chest COMPRESSIONS: perfect rhythm.

WESLEY
One...two...three...four...

Again.
Wesley breathes into Mark's mouth.

Again.

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.


INT. HOSPITAL - LATER

Mark's head is bandaged. Monitors all about. Gloria stands
next to the doctor.

DOCTOR
Swelling of the brain has stopped.
There's some damage to his spine.
Only time will tell us anything
regarding that. His left elbow
is broken and his right ankle has
two torn ligaments. I don't have
a crystal ball. He's alive...

Gloria nods and stands by her son's side. The Doctor leaves
Wesley walks up.

A beat.

WESLEY
Mrs. Levitz?

Gloria abruptly turns, her arm FLYING. SMACK across Wesley's
face.

GLORIA
Miss Levitz! And, how dare you
speak to me like you know me!

Gloria points back.
104.


GLORIA
Look closely, there's a hole in
his fucking head! Because he
chose to love your son. A son
who was so scared of disappointing
you, he felt he needed to hide.
My son never had that fear and,
because of that, he didn't know
when he should be. He's most
certainly never going to be the
same sweet, innocent and loving
boy he was. Allow me to accept
that grief in private.

Wesley about faces and rushes past Ben, Tucker and Chris.
Chris and Tucker approach Gloria as Ben follows Wesley.
CHRIS
Miss Levitz?

Gloria turns to see her son's friends.

GLORIA
Oh, boys.

Gloria takes both of them in her arms. Tucker looks at Mark
as he pulls off his cross.

TUCKER
I know that you're not Catholic.
My father gave this to me at my
confirmation. It's suppose to
protect me. Can Mark borrow it?

Gloria approves and Tucker kisses his cross, wraps it around
Mark's wrist.

CHRIS
He didn't burst into flames!

Gloria chuckles.

GLORIA
You really are a bastard.

Tucker and Chris both laugh.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense scene, police break into Victor's house but find it empty. Meanwhile, Wesley discovers an unconscious boy named Mark at a lookout point and desperately performs CPR to save him. Later, at the hospital, Gloria confronts Wesley with anger over her son's injuries, while Chris and Tucker provide her with support and comfort. The emotional weight of grief and blame hangs heavy, but a brief moment of levity arises as Gloria shares a laugh with her son's friends amidst the turmoil.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intense conflict
  • Character development
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Potential for melodrama
  • Complexity of relationships may be overwhelming for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally charged, well-paced, and effectively conveys the gravity of the situation. The tension and conflict are palpable, and the character dynamics are compelling.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring grief, loss, and the aftermath of a tragic event is well-executed in the scene. The themes are poignant and resonate with the audience.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is crucial in advancing the overall story, introducing high stakes, and deepening the emotional impact on the characters. The events have significant consequences for the narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on familiar themes of love, guilt, and redemption. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with complex emotions and motivations driving their actions. The interactions between the characters are authentic and contribute to the scene's emotional depth.

Character Changes: 9

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, particularly in their emotional states and relationships with others. The events have a profound impact on their development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to save Mark's life and come to terms with the consequences of his actions. This reflects his deeper need for redemption and forgiveness.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find Jason and uncover the truth behind his disappearance. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing in the search for answers.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and emotionally charged, driving the characters to confront their emotions and make difficult decisions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with emotional conflicts, physical challenges, and moral dilemmas that create tension and uncertainty for the characters and the audience.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with life-and-death consequences for the characters involved. The outcome of the events will have a lasting impact on their lives.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new conflicts, deepening character arcs, and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional outbursts, plot twists, and character revelations that keep the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of love, guilt, and responsibility. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about loyalty, sacrifice, and the consequences of his actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking strong feelings of sadness, anger, and hope. The audience is deeply invested in the characters' struggles and the outcome of the events.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and conflicts effectively. The exchanges are realistic and contribute to the scene's tension and drama.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional moments, high stakes, and dramatic character interactions that keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing intense emotional moments with slower, reflective beats that allow the audience to process the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear progression of events and character interactions that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively transitions from the chaos of the police raid to the emotional weight of Wesley's discovery of Mark. However, the pacing feels rushed, particularly in the shift from the police action to Wesley's emotional response. This could benefit from a more gradual build-up to enhance the emotional impact.
  • Wesley's dialogue during the CPR sequence is minimal, which is appropriate for the tension of the moment. However, adding internal thoughts or brief flashbacks could deepen the emotional stakes, showing his desperation and connection to both Jason and Mark.
  • Gloria's confrontation with Wesley is powerful and filled with raw emotion, but it could be more impactful if it included a moment of hesitation or vulnerability from Wesley. This would humanize him further and allow the audience to empathize with both characters.
  • The use of medical jargon by the doctor is realistic, but it may alienate some viewers. Simplifying the language or adding a brief explanation could make it more accessible without losing authenticity.
  • The humor introduced by Tucker and Chris at the end provides a necessary lightness after the heavy emotional moments, but it feels slightly out of place. A smoother transition into this humor could help maintain the scene's overall tone.
Suggestions
  • Consider expanding the CPR sequence to include more of Wesley's internal thoughts or memories, which could heighten the emotional stakes and provide context for his actions.
  • Add a moment of vulnerability for Wesley during Gloria's confrontation, allowing him to express his own grief or guilt, which would create a more balanced emotional exchange.
  • Revise the doctor's dialogue to be more accessible, perhaps by including a brief explanation of the medical terms used, ensuring that the audience can fully grasp the severity of Mark's condition.
  • Smooth the transition into the humor at the end by perhaps having a moment of relief or a shared glance between the characters before the light-hearted banter begins, maintaining the emotional flow of the scene.
  • Consider using visual cues or sound design to enhance the tension during the CPR scene, such as the sound of the heart monitor or close-ups of Wesley's expressions, to draw the audience deeper into the moment.



Scene 37 -  Storm of Guilt and Faith
INT. HOSPITAL HALL

Wesley turns a corner. Footsteps JOG.

BEN (O.S.)
Wes!
105.


Wesley stops, turns. Ben rounds the corner.

BEN
This is our fault. He should'a
taken me.

WESLEY
You don't negotiate with villains.

Wesley turns and Ben turns him back around. Wesley looks at
Ben's hand. Ben takes his hand off of Wesley.

BEN
If he would have taken me, you'd
know where Jason is.
Text ALERT. Wesley looks at his phone.

Lightning and THUNDER.

WESLEY
I know where Jason is.


INT. HOSPITAL CAFETERIA

A vending machine EATS money. B-3. A candy bar falls behind
glass. Chris bends down and grabs it, OPENS wrapper.

Chris takes a bite of the candy bar and stops at the entrance
when he hears Garret talking into his phone.

GARRET (O.S.)
Did you get the text? No backup,
just the long arm of the law.
It's going to be a hell of a class
reunion. I'll see you at the
academy.


INT. HOSPITAL CHAPEL

Lightning and THUNDER through the window. Tucker kneels with
tearful eyes. A priest puts his hand on Tucker's shoulder.

PRIEST
Hospitals are not places of great
joy.

TUCKER
Why does God make up so helpless?

PRIEST
What makes you think that?
106.


TUCKER
One of my friends was left for
dead and the other taken by a
psychopath who tried to take my
other best friend. I was the
only one with a protective cross,
and I just gave it away.

PRIEST
That's a hell of a cross to bare,
but, when he was nailed to a cross,
was our savior helpless?

TUCKER
He was the son of God!
PRIEST
Everyone seems to forget - they
are too.

CHRIS (O.S.)
They know where he is.

Tucker stands and turns to face Chris.

TUCKER
They're going to go get him.

CHRIS
What does it matter? Now's are
chance!

TUCKER
I have to turn the other cheek.

Tucker goes back to praying.

CHRIS
Mark is laying in a hospital bed.
Who the fuck knows what's happening
to Jason. We have to help.

TUCKER
Tell him what a Christian does,
father.

PRIEST
The Lord is honored that you take
his word to such regard.

The priest stands and puts his hand on Tucker's shoulder.
107.


PRIEST
He also turned Lot's wife into a
pillar of salt, so there's that.

Tucker locks eyes with the priest before he walks away.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense hospital setting, Wesley confronts Ben about his guilt over Jason's predicament, asserting that they cannot negotiate with villains and revealing he knows Jason's location. Meanwhile, Chris, in the cafeteria, overhears concerns about a lack of backup for a dangerous situation. In the chapel, Tucker grapples with his faith and feelings of helplessness, questioning God while a priest offers philosophical insights. Chris urges action to save Jason, challenging Tucker's moral beliefs about violence and revenge. The scene culminates in Tucker's unresolved internal conflict as he locks eyes with the priest before walking away.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Thematic exploration
  • Strong character development
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel heavy-handed
  • Pacing could be improved in certain moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines emotional depth, spiritual introspection, and tension to create a compelling narrative that keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of faith, redemption, and personal responsibility is central to the scene, providing a rich foundation for character interactions and thematic exploration.

Plot: 7

The plot progression in the scene is driven by character decisions and emotional conflicts, adding depth to the narrative and setting up future developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on themes of guilt, redemption, and faith, with authentic character interactions that feel true to the story's world.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' emotional journeys and internal struggles are well-developed, adding layers to their personalities and driving the scene's emotional impact.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant emotional and spiritual changes during the scene, reflecting their growth and development throughout the narrative.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to grapple with feelings of guilt and helplessness in the face of danger. This reflects deeper needs for redemption and control in a chaotic situation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to locate and rescue a missing friend. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating dangerous situations and making difficult decisions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is both internal and external, adding tension and emotional stakes to the narrative, driving character growth and plot progression.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing moral dilemmas and conflicting beliefs that challenge their actions and decisions.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes in the scene, including the safety of characters and the resolution of past conflicts, add urgency and tension to the narrative, raising the emotional stakes for the audience.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening character relationships, introducing new conflicts, and setting up future plot developments, maintaining narrative momentum.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the characters' conflicting motivations and unexpected plot developments, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's beliefs in forgiveness and pacifism versus the urgency of taking action to save their friend. This challenges the protagonist's values and moral compass.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience through its exploration of personal struggles, faith, and redemption, creating a poignant and memorable experience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, beliefs, and conflicts, contributing to the scene's thematic depth and character development.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflicts, moral dilemmas, and high stakes, keeping the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 8

The scene's pacing effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, creating a sense of urgency and suspense that drives the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to industry standards, enhancing readability and clarity for the reader.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that builds tension and emotional stakes effectively, fitting the genre's expectations.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional turmoil of the characters, particularly Wesley and Ben, as they grapple with guilt and the dire situation regarding Jason. However, the dialogue could be more impactful if it included more subtext, allowing the audience to infer deeper emotions rather than stating them outright.
  • The use of sound elements like 'lightning and thunder' adds to the atmosphere, but it might be beneficial to explore how these elements affect the characters' emotions. For instance, does the storm reflect their inner turmoil? This could be emphasized through character reactions or dialogue.
  • The transition between the hospital hall, cafeteria, and chapel feels somewhat disjointed. While it showcases different perspectives, it may benefit from smoother transitions or thematic links that connect these locations more cohesively, enhancing the flow of the scene.
  • Tucker's conversation with the priest is poignant but could be strengthened by showing more of Tucker's internal conflict. Instead of just stating his feelings of helplessness, consider incorporating physical actions or visual cues that illustrate his struggle, making it more relatable and engaging for the audience.
  • Chris's dialogue about knowing where Jason is feels abrupt and could use more buildup. It might be more effective if Chris's realization is foreshadowed or if he expresses his feelings of urgency and desperation more vividly before making the statement.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more layers to the dialogue by incorporating subtext, allowing characters to express their feelings indirectly. This can create a richer emotional experience for the audience.
  • Explore the emotional impact of the storm on the characters. Perhaps Wesley and Ben could react to the thunder, using it as a metaphor for their internal chaos.
  • Enhance the transitions between locations by using thematic elements or character reflections that connect the scenes, creating a more fluid narrative.
  • Deepen Tucker's internal conflict by showing his physical reactions or thoughts during his conversation with the priest, making his struggle more tangible for the audience.
  • Build up to Chris's revelation about Jason's location by including more dialogue that expresses his concern and urgency, making the moment feel more earned and impactful.



Scene 38 -  Descent into Vengeance
INT. WESLEY'S INVESTIGATION OFFICE

Wesley bursts through the front door drenched. Office is
DESTROYED. Books are everywhere. Wesley opens his desk drawer
and grabs his fire arm lock box.

Opens the lock box, a missing gun. A note: "Bang Bang."

Wesley throws the lock box onto the desk. It wakes the computer
up. Jason's driver's license is on the keyboard. Wesley types
in Jason's driver's license number. Computer unlocks.

A video file is saved on the home screen. Wesley maneuvers
the mouse and CLICKS play.


INT. WESLEY'S OFFICE COMPUTER SCREEN

Victor SLAMS Jason's torso onto the desk. Jason's dress shirt
is ripped and his hands are tied behind his back, duct tape
around his mouth. Dried blood and a bruised face.

Victor forces Jason to his knees in front of the computer
screen, Victor sits in Wesley's chair. Victor talks to Wesley.

VICTOR
I have to hand it to your kid, he
inherited that desire to run
straight into danger clearly from
his old man! But, it was danger
he ran right into.

Victor rubs his hand on Jason's head like you would a dog.

VICTOR
I didn't want your son. I wanted
Benjamin Ponder. I wanted him
real bad. With Bruce gone, I'll
need a third player. X Marks the
spot.

Victor looks up to the map.
108.


INT. WESLEY'S INVESTIGATION OFFICE

Wesley stands and walks to his map on the wall. A large red X
is drawn over the location of the Military School, a bright
golden ticket tacked to the map.

VICTOR
I got you a ticket.

Wesley POURS himself a drink.

VICTOR
First sign of police and everyone
dies.

Wesley pulls the ticket off the board.
VICTOR
What's this? Looks like I'm not
the only one stuck in the past.

Lindsay's last voicemail starts to PLAY. Wesley turns his
attention back to the computer.


INT. WESLEY'S OFFICE COMPUTER SCREEN

Jason's eyes widen as he struggles, his mother's voice mail
playing.

LINDSAY (O.S.)
Maybe you can let him get his
driver's license...

Victor CHUCKLES as he looks at a SCREAMING beneath the gag.

VICTOR
That didn't age well.

Wesley watches. Jason FREAKING out and HELPLESS.

VICTOR
Do you know what true power is,
Mr. Hunter? Lack of consequence.
Being able to take from people
what they truly love with absolute
impunity. You really shouldn't
put such valuable things in such
easy places to find.

BEEP.

MACHINE
Message deleted.
109.


Jason whales into the duct tape as Wesley SHATTERS his glass
against the wall. He SHOVES the computer off the desk, it
CRASHES to the ground.

He RAGES toward the door opens it. Michelle stands firm.

MICHELLE
You're going where?

WESLEY
How long have you been standing
there?

Wesley tries to get past Michelle. She stops him.

MICHELLE
Long enough... he is innocent
until proven guilty by a jury of
his peers. You once believed
that.

WESLEY
I'll do my best to make sure
there's a trial, but the D.A. is
going to have their work cut out
for them finding a jury of his
peers.

Michelle studies Wesley, removes her sidearm and holds it out.

MICHELLE
Thirty minutes, then, I pull the
hammer. A personal courtesy.

Wesley nods and takes the gun.

MICHELLE
Wes, Vengeance is not justice.

VROOM VROOM of a motorcycle.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Wesley arrives at his chaotic investigation office to find a threatening note and a missing gun, leading him to a video of Victor torturing his son, Jason. Consumed by rage, he prepares to confront Victor, but Michelle intervenes, urging him to consider the legal implications of his actions. Despite her warnings about vengeance, Wesley accepts a gun from her, signaling his readiness to act on his anger.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Complex characters
  • Emotional depth
  • High stakes
  • Compelling dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential for excessive violence
  • Lack of resolution
  • Heavy reliance on suspense

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is gripping, intense, and emotionally charged, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats. The stakes are high, the conflict is well-developed, and the character dynamics are compelling.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a father facing a moral dilemma to save his son from a dangerous adversary is powerful and engaging. The themes of justice, sacrifice, and redemption are effectively explored.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate and engaging, with multiple layers of conflict and tension driving the narrative forward. The revelation of Victor's true intentions adds a new dimension to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its unique character dynamics, intense conflict, and moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative and keeps the audience engaged.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and complex, each facing their own internal struggles and external challenges. Wesley's internal conflict and Victor's menacing presence create a dynamic interplay that drives the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Wesley undergoes a significant internal struggle and must make difficult choices to save his son. His character arc is compelling and adds depth to the narrative.

Internal Goal: 8

Wesley's internal goal in this scene is to protect his son, Jason, and seek justice for the threats made against him. This reflects his deeper need for family protection and his fear of losing his loved ones.

External Goal: 7

Wesley's external goal is to uncover the truth behind the threats against his son and stop the criminal activities. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in protecting his family and solving the mystery.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with high stakes and emotional resonance. The clash between Wesley and Victor drives the tension to a boiling point.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values, moral dilemmas, and physical threats creating obstacles for the protagonist. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding suspense and drama to the narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are incredibly high, with Jason's life in danger and Wesley facing a moral dilemma that could have far-reaching consequences. The tension is palpable and the outcome is uncertain.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, revealing new information, escalating the conflict, and setting up the next stage of the narrative. The revelation of Victor's true intentions changes the course of the story.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected plot twists, character revelations, and moral dilemmas. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will be resolved and what consequences will follow.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between vengeance and justice. Victor represents the desire for power and lack of consequence, while Michelle emphasizes the importance of due process and fairness in the justice system. This challenges Wesley's beliefs about how to handle the situation and the moral implications of his actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, eliciting fear, anger, sadness, and determination from the characters and the audience. The stakes are personal and the consequences are dire, heightening the emotional intensity.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and reveals the characters' motivations and emotions effectively. The exchanges between Wesley and Victor are particularly intense and revealing.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, suspenseful dialogue, and emotional stakes. The audience is drawn into the mystery and conflict, eager to see how the characters will resolve their dilemmas.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, suspense, and emotional impact. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The visual elements are well-defined, enhancing the reader's understanding of the setting and character interactions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear progression of events, character development, and plot twists. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene, building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and urgency, showcasing Wesley's emotional state as he discovers the chaos in his office and the threat to his son. However, the pacing could be improved by balancing the action with moments of reflection or dialogue that deepen Wesley's character and his relationship with Jason.
  • Victor's dialogue is menacing and reveals his motivations, but it could benefit from more subtext. Instead of directly stating his intentions, consider using more ambiguous language that hints at his plans, allowing the audience to infer his true nature and creating a more chilling effect.
  • The use of the voicemail from Lindsay adds an emotional layer, but it feels somewhat abrupt. It might be more impactful if it were woven into the scene earlier, perhaps as a recurring motif that haunts Wesley, reminding him of his past and the stakes involved.
  • Wesley's reaction to the video is visceral, which is effective, but the transition from his rage to the confrontation with Michelle feels rushed. Expanding on his internal struggle could enhance the emotional weight of the moment, making his decision to confront Victor more poignant.
  • Michelle's role as a voice of reason is crucial, but her dialogue could be more nuanced. Instead of simply stating that vengeance is not justice, consider having her share a personal story or insight that illustrates her point, making it resonate more with Wesley and the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief flashback or memory of Wesley's past interactions with Jason to deepen the emotional stakes and highlight what is at risk.
  • Enhance Victor's dialogue by incorporating more layered language that suggests his manipulative nature without revealing too much, creating a sense of dread.
  • Integrate Lindsay's voicemail earlier in the scene, perhaps as a haunting reminder of Wesley's failures, to build emotional tension leading up to the climax.
  • Slow down the pacing during Wesley's confrontation with Michelle to allow for a more meaningful exchange that reflects their relationship and the gravity of the situation.
  • Give Michelle a more personal stake in the situation, perhaps by referencing her own experiences with vengeance or loss, to create a stronger connection with Wesley and the audience.



Scene 39 -  Confrontation in the Storm
EXT. WESLEY'S INVESTIGATION OFFICE

RAIN falls. Wesley rides into the wet darkness. Lightening
Flashes.


EXT. MILITARY SCHOOL

The bike pulls up. Wesley dismounts and runs up to the door.
He pulls out the gun. Headlights illuminate him.

William and Garret get out of a Mercedes.
110.


WESLEY
Any police and the kids die?

William holds up a golden ticket.

WILLIAM
You got a ticket too?

The door handle is LOCKED. They look at one another.


INT. MILITARY SCHOOL

The front door BURSTS inward as the three men slam into it.

They shine flashlights.
WILLIAM
I should have been a cop.

They shine their lights. Pictures are plastered everywhere.

GARRET
It's time to put old dogs down.

William and Garret walk ahead of Wesley.

Red spray paint on the ground: "Remember Alan Wick!!!"


INT. MILITARY SCHOOL COORIDOR

Pictures of Billy along the wall. At the end a video plays
with on a loop. Written words: "Sins of the father..."


INT. VIDEO SCREEN

Billy in the Millennium Room. Food all over him.

BILLY
Why are you doing this?

Billy collapses from a push up position.

BILLY
I can't do any more.

The Cattle Prod ZAPS Billy and he screams.

Austin and Billy being choked by the barbell's and the rope.

AUSTIN
You're a liar!
111.


William's eyes narrow as he continue walking. Garret and Wesley
watches the screen. The camera turns around. Victor waves.

GARRET
Victor, fucking, Campus.

A picture of Billy with the words: "Daddy, why'd you do it?"
William RIPS the picture off the wall.


EXT. MILITARY SCHOOL QUAD

Arrows are painted on the ground as they walk past the swimming
pool, now empty and bare.

WESLEY
A knack for theatrics.

WILLIAM
They're all like that. Makes me
sick.

It takes Wesley back a moment.


EXT. MILITARY SCHOOL LOCKER ROOM

The three men arrive to the locker room of the military school.
Alan Wick obituary pasted to the door. Garret TREMBLES.

GARRET
Tell me that's locked.

The door opens with a light press.

Wesley and William proceed. Garret shakes his head.

GARRET
I can't do this?

WILLIAM
Get your shit together!

GARRET
You know what...it's all coming
back. All of it.

WESLEY
What are you talking about?

A voice echoes from within.
112.


VICTOR (O.S.)
Speak the speech - I pray you, as
I pronounced it to you so
trippingly on the tongue!

BILLY (O.S.)
Leave us alone!

Wesley pulls out his gun.

WESLEY
Look, whatever the fuck happened,
figure your shit out. This ends
now.

Wesley MARCHES into the locker room.

INT. MILITARY SCHOOL'S DECREPIT LOCKER ROOM

Water SPRAYS, steam WAFTS through, the floor is flooded.

One foot in front of the other Wesley passes lockers. He
glances down each row. William and Garret follow. CRIES echo.

VICTOR (O.S.)
Hit him! Do it!

A wet IMPACT. A GROAN escapes whoever just HIT the floor.

Wesley, William and Garret turn the corner. Billy and Austin
stand over Jason. Billy holds a protective cup.

AUSTIN
I'm sorry!

Billy and Austin: abject terror. Jason: resigned desperation.

VICTOR (O.S.)
Kick him!

Austin shakes his head. An electric CRACKLE. Austin KICKS
Jason who holds his rib cage.

WILLIAM
Billy!

The boys looks out. William STORMS toward the showers.

Billy shakes his head. As William passes the lockers a Cattle
Prod jets out and ELECTROCUTES him in the chest.

William falls to one knee. Starts to stand.
113.


Another SHOCK, William falls face down unconscious.

VICTOR
Say it!

Billy shakes his head no. Victor JAMS the Cattle Prod to
William, HOLDS the button down. William convulses.

BILLY
Dad!

VICTOR
Say it!

Billy's lip starts quivering.
BILLY
Maybe he wants to kiss it.

Victor releases the button as he smiles.

VICTOR
There's a good boy.

Victor looks at Austin and motions with a nod. Austin grabs
Jason by his hair and pulls him to his knees.

VICTOR
Does this look familiar!?

Victor KICKS and STOMPS William's head. Billy moves toward
Victor but fear grips him.

BILLY
No!

Victor GLARES at Billy, IGNITES the cattle-prod. Austin
releases his grip and FLINCHES away. Billy DROPS cup and
shrinks against the shower wall.

BILLY
Austin...

The water hides Austin's tears. He recomposes himself. He
walks up to Billy kneels down, picks up the cup.

Wesley looks at Garret. He nods, ducks around a locker set.

Austin pulls Jason by his hair, Jason struggles as Austin
presses the cup to Jason's lips.

SMEARING it into Jason's face, Austin lets go and Jason falls.
114.


AUSTIN
I think he likes it.

Austin tosses the cup aside side. He looks at Victor.

VICTOR
We're now approaching the final
act boys. Rip off his clothes.

Austin looks down at Jason. He grabs his shirt and pulls it
off. His hand reaches for his pants and belt.

Jason, slowly looks out - locks eyes with his father. Austin
stops, shakes his head.

AUSTIN
You'll have to kill me.

VICTOR
I thought you had what it took.

Victor presses the Cattle Prod down into the water.

BANG.

Victor looks to Wesley who points the gun at the roof.

WESLEY
This ends now.

Victor tosses the Cattle prod to the side.

VICTOR
You are a wild card. You protect
villainy.

WESLEY
I protect children.

VICTOR
You think this is bad? This is a
reenactment. A rehearsed part of
what this piece of shit did to
me!

Victor steps over William and faces Wesley. Garret hides behind
the locker.

VICTOR
We just kissed. We just kissed
and we thought we were alone.

Victor points back to Austin.
115.


VICTOR
And unlike his father, my Alan
was INNOCENT! One day, I climbed
into a bathtub with a toaster and
tried to electrocute myself. For
a brief instant I felt the SURGE
and thought this was it. My pain
was over. But, then, the power
turned off. I knew then what I
had to do. It was an act of God!

WESLEY
It was a GFI switch.

William reaches out, WRAPS his arms around Victor's feet.
Garret CHARGES, TACKLES Victor. Garret strangles Victor.
Wesley aims, Victor REACHES out for the Cattle Prod.

Too dangerous to fire.

Jason DIVES for the Cattle Prod. Both him and Victor wrestle
over it.

Wesley starts toward the commotion. Jason puts his feet against
Victor's face. Tries to STOMP. Victor holds on. Austin helps
Jason pull.

Victor's finger stretches. PRESSES the button. Puts the prod
into the water. Everyone gets ZAPPED.

The sudden shock causes Wesley to FIRE the gun. The bullet
hits the shower tile right next to Jason, shrapnel flies into
Jason's face.

The gun SLIDES next to Victor. Victor reaches for it, but
Wesley manages to get there first. Victor runs. Wesley lifts
the gun. FIRES. HITS the doorframe.

Wesley gets up and chases.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Wesley arrives at a rain-soaked military school with William and Garret, determined to confront the abuser, Victor. They break in and uncover disturbing evidence of past abuses. Tension escalates when they find Billy and Austin being coerced by Victor, who uses a cattle prod on William. A chaotic struggle ensues, culminating in Wesley firing his gun in a desperate attempt to stop Victor and protect the boys.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Strong character dynamics
  • High emotional impact
  • Effective tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Potential for excessive violence
  • Complexity of character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, intense, and emotionally charged, effectively conveying the escalating conflict between the characters and building suspense.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene, focusing on a final confrontation between the protagonist and antagonist in a high-stakes situation, is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is crucial in advancing the overall story, resolving conflicts, and setting up future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of revenge and justice, with unique character dynamics and intense action sequences. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions drive the emotional intensity of the scene, showcasing their motivations, fears, and relationships.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional and psychological changes during the scene, particularly in their confrontations and revelations.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to confront the traumatic events of his past and protect the innocent victims in the military school. This reflects his deeper need for redemption and justice, as well as his fear of failing to make things right.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to rescue the victims from the violent perpetrators and bring them to safety. This reflects the immediate challenge of facing dangerous criminals and saving innocent lives.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

The conflict in the scene is intense, both physically and emotionally, with high stakes and a sense of danger permeating the interactions between the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing dangerous criminals and intense physical threats. The audience is kept in suspense as they wonder how the protagonist will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are extremely high in the scene, with the characters' lives and moral choices hanging in the balance.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by resolving conflicts, revealing new information, and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the escalating tension. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will resolve.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of morality, justice, and revenge. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs in protecting the vulnerable and seeking retribution for past wrongs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact on the audience, eliciting fear, tension, and empathy for the characters in peril.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense, impactful, and reveals the characters' emotions and intentions effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, suspenseful dialogue, and high stakes. The audience is drawn into the conflict and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast-paced and intense, building tension and suspense as the action unfolds. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in conveying the urgency of the situation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the atmosphere of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear progression of events leading to a climactic confrontation. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the use of visual and auditory elements, such as the rain, lightning, and the chaotic atmosphere of the military school. However, the pacing feels rushed at times, particularly during the transitions between locations. This could be improved by allowing more time for the characters to react to their surroundings and the gravity of the situation.
  • The dialogue is impactful, especially Wesley's declaration that he protects children. However, some lines, particularly Victor's monologue, could benefit from tightening. While it provides insight into his character, it risks slowing down the momentum of the scene. Consider condensing his speech to maintain tension while still conveying his motivations.
  • The emotional stakes are high, but the scene could delve deeper into the characters' internal struggles. For instance, Wesley's desperation to save his son is palpable, yet exploring his conflicting emotions about vengeance versus justice could add depth to his character and the overall narrative.
  • The use of visual motifs, such as the cattle prod and the images of Billy, is effective in establishing the horror of the situation. However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere. Describing the sounds of the environment, the smell of the dampness, or the physical sensations of fear could immerse the audience further.
  • The climax of the scene, where Wesley fires the gun, is dramatic but could be more impactful if the stakes were clearer. Establishing what Wesley stands to lose or gain in that moment could heighten the tension and make the audience more invested in the outcome.
Suggestions
  • Consider slowing down the pacing in certain areas to allow for character reactions and emotional beats. This can help build tension and give the audience time to absorb the gravity of the situation.
  • Tighten Victor's monologue to maintain the scene's momentum. Focus on key phrases that encapsulate his motivations without losing the audience's attention.
  • Explore Wesley's internal conflict regarding vengeance versus justice more deeply. This could be done through internal monologue or brief flashbacks that highlight his emotional turmoil.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere. Describe the sounds, smells, and physical sensations present in the scene to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Clarify the stakes during the climax when Wesley fires the gun. Make it clear what he risks losing or what he hopes to achieve in that moment to increase the emotional impact of the scene.



Scene 40 -  Clash at the Pool
INT. MILITARY SCHOOL CORRIDOR

Victor races down the hall.

GUNSHOT. MISS.

GUNSHOT. HISS.

Victor BURSTS out the door, Wesley follows.
116.


EXT. MILITARY SCHOOL QUAD

Victor runs through the Quad. A bullet IMPACTS a column.


EXT. MILITARY SCHOOL SWIMMING POOL

Victor is running towards the empty swimming pool. Wesley
takes his time and aims.

BANG!

IMPACT into Victor's arm. Victor turns and falls into the
swimming pool.

Wesley at the edge of the pool, Wesley stands in the center.
VICTOR
Do you want to know what my
favorite part of all of this is?

Wesley PULLS the trigger. CLICK. Victor catches his breath
after flinching for a moment.

VICTOR
What an ice cold chill you just
gave me as the hand of death
releaseD his grip.

Wesley looks at the gun and after a moment tosses it aside.
The gun SKIDS to a stop.

WESLEY
No.

Wesley starts to undo the cuffs in his shirt.

WESLEY
It just means I'm going to have
to throw some rust remover in my
laundry to get your blood out of
my sight.

Wesley descends the steps of the swimming pool.

Wesley stands between Victor and the steps. Victor grins.

VICTOR
Your son told me you don't believe
in violence.

WESLEY
I'm a father first.
117.


Haymaker from Wesley SLAMS into Victor's face. He takes it
and fires back with a right hook that Wesley blocks.

Victor KICKS Wesley in the shin and then goes to uppercut him.
Wesley dodges away.

Wesley wraps his arm around Victor's neck and repeatedly PUNCHES
him in the gut,

They spin around and then Victor's head gets RAMMED into the
wall of the swimming pool.

Wesley grabs Victor by the shoulder and Victor BUSTS his fist
against Wesley's groin.

Victor BREAKS Wesley's nose against the pool wall.
Wesley gets a kick to the gut and Wesley DOUBLES OVER.

A hammer fist KNOCKS Jason in the back of the head crashing
Wesley to the floor.

VICTOR
Look at all my blood all over
your clothes!

Victor kicks Wesley while he's down.

STOMPS.

VICTOR
I don't want this. Please don't
make me kill you...

Wesley starts to rise, a kick to the ribs. Wesley rolls over.
A random brick in the swimming pool touches his hand. Wesley
gets to all fours.

Victor grabs him by the back of the head. As Victor throws a
punch Wesley raises the brick, Victor's fist CRACKS into it.

Victor YELLS and turns away. Wesley stands PUNCHES Victor,
AGAIN, and AGAIN, and AGAIN.

Victor falls to one knee SCREAMS in rage and as Wesley goes to
hit him again Victor lunges at Wesley forcing him to the ground.

Victor PUNCHES Wesley in the face, grabs him by his ears and
SLAMS his head into the ground.

Wesley's eyes roll to the back of his head. Victor stands.

Victor is exhausted and his eyes are fixed to the ground as he
begins to hike out of the deep end of the swimming pool.
118.


The full moon casts a long shadow as Victor walks up the steps.

He looks down into the pool and SPITS towards Wesley who starts
to regain consciousness.

Victor walks along the wall of the military school toward
Garret's truck.

Victor CLIMBS in, pulls out his keys. Puts them into the car
and they FALL to the floorboard. Victor grabs them and puts
them in the ignition, turns.

The headlights come on but the car does not fire over. A figure
stands in the light.

Ben, stands in the headlights holding the serpentine belt.
Victor chuckles as he gets out of the car. SHUTS door.

VICTOR
It was SO easy. You all just
downloaded the app. My app...

A chain DRAGS as Chris carries it out of the shadows into the
light. Victor locks eyes with him. Ben holds up remote, LOCKS
truck.

Tucker enters the light with a crowbar.

The boys circle.

BEN
You hurt Mark.

Ben rushes and wraps the belt around Victor's neck.

Chris wraps the chain around his fist and starts SLAMMING into
Victor's chest. Ben pushes Victor away and Chris LASHES the
chain against Victor's back.

Victor screams as Tucker motions the sign of the cross and
SLAPS the crowbar across Victor's face.

Shadows cast on the wall of the military school show Victor
being forced to his knees and Tucker bringing the killing blow
to his head. Blood SPLATTERS on the wall.

Blood SPLATTERS on the wall of the Military School.

Distant SIRENS get LOUDER.

Red and Blue flashing lights appear on the wall.
119.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a tense night at the military school, Victor is relentlessly pursued by Wesley, culminating in a brutal fight at the swimming pool. Despite gaining the upper hand against Wesley, Victor is soon confronted by Ben, Chris, and Tucker, who seek revenge for Victor's earlier actions against Mark. The scene escalates into a violent climax, marked by bloodshed and a sense of impending doom.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Emotional performances
  • High-stakes conflict resolution
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Potentially triggering content

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, filled with tension, emotion, and action. It effectively showcases the conflict between the characters and advances the plot significantly.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a final showdown between the protagonist and antagonist in a high-stakes setting is compelling and well-executed, adding depth to the characters and the overall story.

Plot: 9

The plot is advanced significantly in this scene, with major developments in the conflict between the characters and the resolution of key storylines.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to a physical confrontation, with unique details like the use of a swimming pool and various weapons. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their motivations, emotions, and actions are effectively portrayed, adding depth and complexity to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Both Wesley and Victor undergo significant changes during the scene, revealing new aspects of their characters and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

Victor's internal goal is to survive and protect himself against the threats he faces. This reflects his deeper need for self-preservation and his fear of being harmed or killed.

External Goal: 7

Victor's external goal is to escape the situation and the people trying to harm him. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing of physical confrontation and danger.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

The conflict in this scene is intense, physical, and emotional, reaching a climax in the showdown between the protagonist and antagonist.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with multiple characters posing a threat to the protagonist and creating a sense of danger and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are extremely high in this scene, with the lives of the characters on the line and the resolution of major conflicts hanging in the balance.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, resolving key conflicts and setting the stage for the final act of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the physical confrontation, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between violence and non-violence, as seen in Wesley's actions and Victor's response. This challenges Victor's beliefs about survival and self-defense.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, with intense action, dramatic performances, and powerful character moments that resonate with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and impactful, conveying the characters' emotions, motivations, and conflicts effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, high stakes, and fast-paced narrative. The reader is drawn into the conflict and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and intense, with a rhythmic flow of action and dialogue that keeps the reader engaged and on edge.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise action descriptions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a high-stakes action sequence, with a clear build-up of tension and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the physical confrontation between Wesley and Victor, showcasing the stakes involved. However, the pacing feels uneven at times, particularly in the transition from the gunfire to the hand-to-hand combat. A more gradual escalation of tension could enhance the impact of the fight.
  • Victor's dialogue, while menacing, comes off as somewhat clichéd. Phrases like 'the hand of death' and 'it was SO easy' can detract from the authenticity of the character. More unique or personal lines could deepen Victor's character and make his threats feel more immediate and real.
  • The physicality of the fight is well-described, but it may benefit from clearer visual cues to help the reader visualize the action. For instance, describing the environment more vividly could enhance the sense of place and danger, such as the slippery tiles of the pool or the echoing sounds of their struggle.
  • The introduction of Ben, Chris, and Tucker at the end of the scene is a strong moment, but it feels a bit rushed. Their motivations for intervening could be more clearly established earlier in the scene to create a stronger emotional payoff when they arrive.
  • The use of sound, particularly the distant sirens and the flashing lights, is effective in creating urgency. However, integrating these elements earlier in the scene could build anticipation and foreshadow the impending arrival of law enforcement, heightening the stakes.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal monologue or emotional reflection from Wesley during the fight to deepen the reader's connection to his character and motivations.
  • Revise Victor's dialogue to make it more original and reflective of his character's twisted psyche. This could involve using metaphors or references that are unique to his backstory.
  • Enhance the description of the setting, particularly the swimming pool area, to create a more immersive experience for the reader. This could include sensory details like the sound of water splashing or the coldness of the tiles.
  • Introduce Ben, Chris, and Tucker earlier in the scene or provide hints of their presence to build anticipation for their arrival. This could involve showing their reactions to the chaos or their determination to help Wesley.
  • Incorporate more varied sentence structures and pacing in the action descriptions to reflect the chaotic nature of the fight, which can help maintain reader engagement throughout the scene.



Scene 41 -  Healing Bonds
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - AFTERNOON

Jason lays in the bed. Bandages cover his eyes. He's alone.

JASON
Hello?

Gloria walks from around the curtain.

GLORIA
You brave young man.

JASON
Miss Levitz... I can't see...

GLORIA
Let me get your father.

Gloria leaves the room. RUSHING FEET. Wesley ENTERS and hugs
Jason. Ben, Tucker, and Chris come from around the curtain.

JASON
Dad... My eyes.

WESLEY
They're going to be okay. They
just have scars. Do me a favor,
don't ever try to fight a raging
psychopath by yourself ever again.

JASON
I wasn't alone. God, I'm going
to need therapy.

TUCKER
I have a really good therapist.

Everyone looks at Tucker.

WESLEY
I think I can help a little with
that.

Wesley PULLS the curtain back. Mark is in his bed, awake,
badly bandaged up with casts around his leg and arm.

MARK
I'm just saying the sheet here
suck.

Jason stumbles getting out of bed. Wesley catches him. He
holds his son and guides him. Jason reaches out, hugs Mark.
120.


JASON
I thought you died.

MARK
You're so sweet. Who are you?

Jason pulls away. Everyone goes SILENT.

MARK
That's what I want to say, it
would probably be better for my
health!

Everyone Laughs. Jason and Mark hug.

JASON
I'm so glad I can't see that stupid
smile right now.

MARK
Can you hold up my chocolate milk?

Jason grabs the chocolate milk, uses his thumb to find Mark's
lips and puts the straw to them.

Wesley studies their interactions. Wesley walks out of the
hospital room as Ben, Chris, and Tucker surround Jason and
lift him into Mark's bed. Gloria follows Wesley.
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary In a hospital room, Jason, bandaged and unable to see, receives comfort from Gloria and reassurance from his father, Wesley. As they discuss his injuries and the need for therapy, Jason finds relief in the presence of his friend Mark, who is also recovering nearby. Their light-hearted banter and shared moments, including Jason helping Mark drink chocolate milk, uplift the mood despite the seriousness of their situation. The scene concludes with Wesley observing their camaraderie before leaving as Jason is moved to Mark's bed.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Humor
Weaknesses
  • Minimal plot progression
  • Low conflict level

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys a range of emotions, provides closure after a tense situation, and sets the stage for healing and growth.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of healing and reconnection after a traumatic event is effectively portrayed, emphasizing the importance of support and resilience.

Plot: 7

While the plot progression is minimal in this scene, it serves as a crucial moment of emotional resolution and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to the theme of resilience and friendship in the face of adversity. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' vulnerability, humor, and camaraderie shine through in this scene, deepening their relationships and showcasing their growth.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional growth and bonding in this scene, deepening their relationships and setting the stage for further development.

Internal Goal: 8

Jason's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with his recent traumatic experience and the loss of his sight. It reflects his deeper need for reassurance, support, and emotional healing.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to physically recover from his injuries and adjust to his new reality of being blind. It reflects the immediate challenge of accepting his condition and moving forward.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The conflict in this scene is minimal, focusing more on emotional resolution and healing.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle, with the characters facing internal struggles and emotional challenges rather than external obstacles.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on personal relationships and emotional healing.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene doesn't significantly move the main plot forward, it provides important character development and emotional closure.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected humor and emotional depth in the characters' interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around acceptance and resilience in the face of adversity. Jason's struggle to come to terms with his blindness and Mark's humor in the midst of his own injuries challenge the protagonist's beliefs about strength and vulnerability.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, drawing them into the characters' journey of recovery and reconnection.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is heartfelt, humorous, and authentic, reflecting the characters' personalities and emotions effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, emotion, and character dynamics. The audience is drawn into the characters' journey of healing and friendship.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, allowing for moments of reflection and humor to land.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the standard format for a screenplay, making it easy to follow and visualize.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a character-driven drama, focusing on emotional beats and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys a sense of relief and camaraderie among the characters after a traumatic event, which is essential for character development and emotional payoff. However, the transition from the previous scene to this one could be smoother. The distant sirens and flashing lights create a sense of urgency, but the immediate shift to a hospital room feels abrupt. A brief moment of reflection or a visual cue could help bridge this gap.
  • Jason's dialogue effectively communicates his vulnerability and the trauma he has experienced, particularly with lines like 'I can't see...' and 'I'm going to need therapy.' This adds depth to his character and highlights the emotional stakes. However, the humor introduced through Tucker and Mark feels slightly out of place given the gravity of the situation. While humor can be a coping mechanism, it may need to be more subtly integrated to maintain the scene's emotional weight.
  • The interactions between Jason and Mark are heartwarming and provide a sense of hope and friendship amidst the chaos. However, Mark's line, 'Who are you?' could be perceived as confusing or jarring, given their prior relationship. It might be more effective if Mark's confusion is framed in a way that reflects his injuries rather than suggesting he doesn't recognize Jason.
  • Wesley's protective nature is well-established through his dialogue and actions, but his exit from the room feels somewhat rushed. A moment of reflection or a line that encapsulates his feelings about the situation could enhance his character arc and provide a more satisfying emotional closure.
  • The physicality of Jason helping Mark with the chocolate milk is a nice touch, showcasing their bond. However, the mechanics of how Jason, who is blindfolded, manages to find Mark's lips could be clarified to avoid confusion. This moment could be more impactful with a clearer description of Jason's actions.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or a visual transition between the previous scene and this one to create a smoother narrative flow.
  • Integrate humor more subtly to ensure it complements the emotional gravity of the scene rather than detracting from it.
  • Reframe Mark's line about not recognizing Jason to reflect his injuries more clearly, perhaps by expressing confusion about the situation rather than Jason's identity.
  • Include a moment for Wesley to express his feelings about the situation before leaving the room, which could deepen his character development.
  • Clarify the mechanics of how Jason helps Mark with the chocolate milk to enhance the believability of the moment and strengthen their bond.



Scene 42 -  A Path to Healing
INT. HOSPITAL HALL

Wesley stops as speaks.

GLORIA
I owe you an apology.

WESLEY
I deserved every syllable.

GLORIA
Are you okay with them?

Wesley looks over Gloria's shoulder. Jason signs Mark's cast.
Chris takes pen. Wesley: raised brow, a SIGH.

WESLEY
No. But I will be.

Wesley smiles, turns, and walks down the hall.

FADE OUT:
THE END
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a hospital hallway, Wesley and Gloria share a poignant moment where Gloria apologizes for her past actions. Wesley acknowledges her apology but admits he is not okay with the current situation, though he expresses hope for the future. The scene captures Wesley's mixed emotions as he observes Jason signing Mark's cast, ultimately ending with him smiling and walking away, symbolizing his journey toward acceptance and healing.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Authentic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Low external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a sense of tension and resolution through the interactions between Wesley and Gloria, setting the stage for potential character development.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of reconciliation and forgiveness is well-explored in the scene, adding depth to the characters and setting the stage for potential growth.

Plot: 6

While the plot progression is minimal in this scene, the focus on character dynamics and emotional resolution adds depth to the overall narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to the theme of forgiveness and acceptance, with authentic character actions and dialogue that feel genuine and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Wesley and Gloria are well-developed in this scene, with their emotional arcs and interactions driving the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 7

Both Wesley and Gloria undergo emotional growth and reconciliation in this scene, setting the stage for potential development in future interactions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to come to terms with his emotions and find a sense of peace or acceptance. This reflects his deeper need for closure and emotional healing.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to show resilience and strength in the face of adversity. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with difficult emotions and situations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

While there is tension between Wesley and Gloria, the conflict is more internal and emotional, focusing on their personal struggles and growth.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is not strong, as the conflict is primarily internal and emotional. There is a sense of tension, but it is resolved relatively easily.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on emotional resolution and personal growth rather than external conflicts.

Story Forward: 5

While the scene does not significantly move the plot forward, it sets the stage for potential character development and emotional growth in future scenes.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat predictable in its resolution, as the protagonist's emotional journey is somewhat expected. However, the specific dialogue and character interactions add a layer of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between accepting the past and moving forward. Wesley's response indicates a struggle between holding onto resentment and choosing to let go.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, with the reconciliation between Wesley and Gloria resonating with the audience and adding depth to the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotional tension between Wesley and Gloria, adding depth to their relationship and setting the stage for potential growth.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth and tension between the characters. The audience is drawn into the conflict and resolution of the scene.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth. The rhythm of the dialogue and character movements contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting is clean and easy to follow, with clear character cues and dialogue formatting. It adheres to the expected format for a dialogue-heavy scene.

Structure: 8

The structure follows a typical dramatic arc, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. It adheres to the expected format for a character-driven scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a moment of emotional resolution between Wesley and Gloria, but it feels somewhat abrupt. The transition from the previous scene to this one lacks a sense of buildup, which could enhance the emotional weight of their conversation.
  • Wesley's line, 'I deserved every syllable,' is a strong moment that conveys his acknowledgment of past mistakes. However, it could benefit from a bit more context or reflection on what those mistakes were, allowing the audience to connect more deeply with his character's journey.
  • The dialogue is concise, which is generally a strength, but it may come off as too terse in this context. Expanding on their conversation could provide more depth to their relationship and the emotional stakes involved.
  • The visual elements are minimal in this scene. While the focus is on dialogue, incorporating more descriptive actions or reactions from Wesley and Gloria could enhance the scene's emotional resonance. For example, showing Wesley's body language or Gloria's expressions could add layers to their interaction.
  • The ending, while leaving a sense of hope with Wesley's smile, feels a bit too open-ended. It might be beneficial to include a final line or action that reinforces the theme of healing or moving forward, providing a more satisfying conclusion.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a few more lines of dialogue that delve into the specifics of Wesley's and Gloria's past interactions, which would help to contextualize their current emotional state and make their reconciliation feel more earned.
  • Incorporate more physical actions or reactions from the characters to complement the dialogue. For instance, Wesley could show signs of relief or tension release as he speaks, which would visually convey his emotional journey.
  • Explore the possibility of including a brief moment of reflection from Wesley about his son Jason's situation, which could add depth to his character and highlight the stakes of their conversation.
  • Enhance the emotional impact of the scene by including a moment where Gloria expresses her feelings about the situation with Jason, allowing for a more balanced exchange between the two characters.
  • Consider closing the scene with a more definitive action or statement from Wesley that encapsulates his growth and hope for the future, reinforcing the theme of healing and moving forward.