Read MENTAL D3 with its analysis


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Scene 1 -  Turbulent Waters
EXT. PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY, MALIBU, CA - MORNING

A minivan hugs the turns between the ocean on one side and
mountains on the other.


INT. MINIVAN, PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY - CONTINUOUS

In the back seat sits a terrarium with ELVIS THE TARANTULA -
his eight eyes stare ahead at:

CRYSTAL MILLER (16) texting furiously on her phone in the
passenger seat - a quintessential high school “it” girl but
the black bags under her bloodshot eyes betray that image.

In the driver seat, SADIE MILLER (late 40s), sports a resting
bitch face under her cropped blonde hair. She glances over at
Crystal then back to the road.

SADIE
Sending your final farewells?

Crystal ignores her, continues to peck at her keyboard.

SADIE (CONT’D)
You know you can write your friends
letters. Do you have their
addresses written down?

CRYSTAL
Yes I have them.

SADIE
Good.

A long silence.

SADIE (CONT’D)
I’m going to miss you.

Crystal ignores her.

SADIE (CONT’D)
Crystal. I am.

CRYSTAL
You haven’t looked me in the eyes
in months.

Sadie looks at Crystal.

SADIE
Look at me.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 2.


Crystal looks at her mother.

CRYSTAL
What?

SADIE
I love you. Nothing will ever
change that, okay?

CRYSTAL
Just keep your eyes on the road.

Sadie looks back at the road but glances back at Crystal who
returns to her phone and presses her PASSCODE to unlock it.

SADIE
Do you know how much therapy I’ve
done? How hard I’m trying to get
through this?

CRYSTAL
I’m about to spend 30 days locked
up in a mental institution just so
you can have some space from me.

SADIE
That’s not why you’re going and you
know it. And it’s not a mental
institution, it’s rehab.

CRYSTAL
Same shit.

SADIE
(snapping)
It’s costing me 60 thousand dollars
to send you here, you ungrateful
little bitch.

Sadie regrets her words.

CRYSTAL
Wow. Tell me how you really feel,
mom.

SADIE
I’m sorry-

CRYSTAL
Don’t talk to me anymore.

SADIE
I just want you to take this
seriously.
(MORE)
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 3.

SADIE (CONT'D)
(beat)
Okay? Crystal?

CRYSTAL
I am!

Crystal pulls out her vape from her pocket and puffs.

SADIE
You can’t bring that.

CRYSTAL
You can have it when we get there.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a minivan driving along the Pacific Coast Highway, 16-year-old Crystal Miller and her mother, Sadie, engage in a tense argument about Crystal's upcoming stay in rehab. As Sadie expresses her love and concern, Crystal dismisses her attempts at connection, leading to a heated exchange that reveals the emotional strain and financial burden of the situation. The scene captures their strained relationship, underscored by the contrasting beauty of the ocean outside and the turmoil within the vehicle, culminating in Crystal defiantly pulling out her vape despite her mother's warnings.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Complex character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Slightly repetitive dialogue in places
  • Limited physical action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the central conflict and emotional depth between the characters, drawing the audience in with its raw and intense dialogue.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a troubled mother-daughter relationship heading towards a breaking point is compelling and relatable, offering rich storytelling potential.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the characters confront their issues, setting the stage for future developments and revealing underlying tensions.

Originality: 9

The scene tackles the theme of mental health and addiction in a fresh and authentic way, with realistic dialogue and complex characters.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with complex emotions and motivations driving their interactions. Their dynamic adds depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Both characters undergo emotional shifts during the scene, revealing new layers of their personalities and deepening the audience's understanding of their relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

Crystal's internal goal is to maintain her emotional distance and protect herself from her mother's emotional manipulation.

External Goal: 7

Crystal's external goal is to navigate her relationship with her mother and prepare for her time in rehab.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the mother and daughter is palpable, creating a tense atmosphere and driving the emotional intensity of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition between Crystal and Sadie is strong, creating conflict and uncertainty for the audience.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident in the strained relationship between the mother and daughter, highlighting the potential consequences of their unresolved issues.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by establishing key conflicts and character dynamics, setting the stage for future developments and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics and emotional revelations between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between Sadie's desire to help her daughter and Crystal's resistance to her mother's attempts at control.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly through the raw and honest portrayal of the characters' struggles and unspoken feelings.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, emotional, and revealing, effectively conveying the characters' inner turmoil and the escalating conflict between them.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional conflict and tension between the characters, drawing the audience in.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional intensity, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, making it easy to read and understand.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic dialogue-driven scene, effectively building tension and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the strained relationship between Crystal and Sadie, showcasing their emotional distance and the tension surrounding Crystal's upcoming stay at the rehab facility. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext; while the characters express their feelings directly, incorporating more nuanced interactions could deepen the emotional impact.
  • The use of the terrarium with Elvis the Tarantula as a visual motif is intriguing, but it could be more explicitly tied to the characters' emotional states. For instance, the tarantula could symbolize Crystal's feelings of being trapped or her fear of abandonment, which would enhance the thematic depth of the scene.
  • Sadie's character comes across as frustrated and desperate, but her motivations could be clearer. Adding a line or two that hints at her own struggles or fears regarding Crystal's mental health could make her more relatable and complex, rather than just a frustrated parent.
  • The pacing of the scene feels a bit rushed, particularly in the dialogue exchanges. Allowing for more pauses or moments of silence could heighten the tension and give the audience time to absorb the emotional weight of the conversation.
  • Crystal's responses often feel reactive rather than proactive. To create a more dynamic character, consider giving her a moment where she expresses her own fears or desires, rather than just pushing back against her mother. This could help the audience empathize with her situation more deeply.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more subtext in the dialogue to convey deeper emotions without stating them outright. For example, Sadie could mention a specific memory that highlights her love for Crystal, which would contrast with their current conflict.
  • Enhance the symbolism of the tarantula by having Crystal interact with it in a way that reflects her emotional state, such as nervously tapping the terrarium or talking to it as a way of expressing her feelings.
  • Add a line or two that reveals Sadie's internal struggles, perhaps hinting at her own past experiences with mental health or her fears about losing Crystal, to create a more layered character.
  • Slow down the pacing by including moments of silence or hesitation in the dialogue, allowing the weight of their words to resonate more with the audience.
  • Give Crystal a moment to express her own vulnerabilities or fears, which would create a more balanced dynamic between her and Sadie and allow the audience to connect with her character on a deeper level.



Scene 2 -  Arrival at Cliff's Edge
EXT. MINIVAN, PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY - MORNING

The minivan pulls off the highway and ventures into a winding
mountain road.


INT. MINIVAN, PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY - MORNING

Crystal looks out at the increasingly beautiful view of the
ocean the higher they climb the mountain.

Sadie drives cautiously as a car zips by in the opposite
lane.

SADIE
Scary driving up here.

CRYSTAL
How much longer til we’re there?

Sadie glances at her phone GPS on the dashboard.

SADIE
Another 30 minutes.

CRYSTAL
Why do they put these places in the
middle of fucking nowhere?

SADIE
So you can’t run away.

Crystal rolls her eyes.


EXT. DRIVEWAY, CLIFF’S EDGE TEEN TREATMENT - MORNING

The minivan turns off a windy mountain road surrounded by
forest onto a long one-lane narrow private driveway.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 4.


At the top of the driveway, there’s a callbox and gate. Sadie
presses the CALL BUTTON - it rings.

WOMAN’S VOICE (CALLBOX)
Hello?

SADIE (INTO CALLBOX)
Hi, this is Sadie Miller with my
daughter, Crystal.

The callbox BEEPS and the gate creaks open slowly.


INT. MINIVAN, DRIVEWAY, CLIFF’S EDGE - CONTINUOUS

Sadie parks. Crystal looks out the window at the massive
mansion on a sprawling garden property surrounded by a fence.

JANET JENKINS (50s), the motherly Executive Director of
Cliff’s Edge, walks down the porch steps, waving.

CRYSTAL
She looks annoying.

SADIE
Be nice.

Crystal moves to get out of the car.

SADIE (CONT’D)
Vape and phone?

She hands the items to her mom. They get out of the car.

SADIE (CONT’D)
Hiiii, I’m Sadie.

Crystal gives an apathetic wave.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Crystal and Sadie drive along a scenic mountain road towards the Cliff's Edge Teen Treatment facility. While Sadie tries to maintain a positive attitude, Crystal expresses her skepticism and disdain for the facility and its director, Janet Jenkins. Upon arrival, Crystal's reluctance is evident as she apathetically acknowledges Janet, contrasting with Sadie's efforts to encourage respect and optimism.
Strengths
  • Authentic character dynamics
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Engaging setting
Weaknesses
  • Limited character growth in the scene
  • Some cliched dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the conflict between the characters and establishes the tone for the rest of the story. The dialogue and actions reveal the underlying emotions and dynamics at play.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a troubled teenager being taken to a remote rehab facility by her mother is engaging and sets the stage for potential character growth and development.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as the characters reach their destination, setting the stage for further developments in the story. The tension between the mother and daughter adds depth to the narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar premise of a troubled teen being taken to a treatment center, but adds originality through the sharp dialogue and dynamic character interactions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, with Crystal displaying rebellious behavior and Sadie showing concern and frustration. Their interactions feel authentic and drive the emotional core of the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there are subtle hints of character growth and change, particularly in Crystal's defiance and Sadie's attempts to connect, the scene primarily sets the stage for further development in the story.

Internal Goal: 8

Crystal's internal goal is to maintain her rebellious attitude and independence, as seen in her eye-rolling and apathetic behavior towards her mother and the treatment center director.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the challenging journey to the treatment center and comply with the rules and expectations set by her mother and the treatment center staff.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Crystal and Sadie is palpable, with tensions running high as they navigate their strained relationship and the challenges ahead at the rehab facility.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Crystal's rebellious attitude and resistance to the treatment center's rules creating conflict and tension.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for both Crystal and Sadie, as they confront the reality of Crystal's situation and the potential impact of her treatment at the facility. The outcome of their interactions could have significant consequences for their relationship.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the characters' current state and setting up the challenges they will face at the rehab facility. It lays the groundwork for future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the conflicting motivations and emotions of the characters, as well as the unknown outcome of Crystal's treatment at the center.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between Crystal's desire for freedom and autonomy and the societal expectations and rules imposed on her by her mother and the treatment center.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from frustration and resentment to concern and defiance, creating a complex emotional landscape for the characters and the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the strained relationship between the characters, with subtle hints of underlying emotions and conflicts. The exchanges feel natural and contribute to the overall tone of the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the tension between the characters, the mystery surrounding the treatment center, and the dynamic setting descriptions that create a sense of anticipation and intrigue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions and dialogue properly formatted.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene effectively transitions between the different locations and characters, maintaining a clear and engaging narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene effectively continues the tension established in the previous scene, showcasing the strained relationship between Crystal and Sadie. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext; while the characters express their feelings, the exchanges feel somewhat on-the-nose. For instance, Sadie's line about the location being designed to prevent running away could be more subtly implied through their actions or expressions rather than stated outright.
  • The transition from the highway to the treatment facility is visually engaging, but the description of the mansion could be more vivid. Instead of just stating that it is a 'massive mansion on a sprawling garden property,' consider incorporating sensory details that evoke the atmosphere—perhaps the sound of birds, the smell of fresh pine, or the sight of the ocean in the distance.
  • Crystal's character is established as dismissive and apathetic, but it would be beneficial to show more layers to her emotions. Perhaps a fleeting moment of vulnerability could be included, such as a brief hesitation before she rolls her eyes or a moment where she looks back at the ocean, hinting at her internal conflict about leaving her old life behind.
  • The introduction of Janet Jenkins is effective, but her characterization could be enhanced. Instead of simply describing her as 'motherly,' consider showing her warmth through her actions or dialogue. For example, she could offer a reassuring smile or a welcoming gesture that contrasts with Crystal's disdain.
  • The pacing of the scene feels a bit rushed, particularly in the transition from the car to the treatment facility. Allowing for a moment of silence or reflection as they approach the facility could heighten the emotional stakes and give the audience a chance to absorb the gravity of the situation.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more subtext in the dialogue to convey the characters' emotions without stating them directly. This can create a more engaging and layered interaction.
  • Enhance the visual description of the treatment facility to evoke a stronger sense of atmosphere and emotion, using sensory details to immerse the audience.
  • Add a moment of vulnerability for Crystal to deepen her character and show her internal struggle about entering rehab, which can create empathy from the audience.
  • Develop Janet Jenkins' character further by showing her warmth and approachability through her actions or dialogue, making her a more relatable figure in contrast to Crystal's attitude.
  • Slow down the pacing slightly to allow for moments of reflection or silence, which can heighten the emotional impact of the scene and give the audience time to process the characters' feelings.



Scene 3 -  A Meeting at Cliff's Edge
INT. DIRECTOR’S OFFICE, CLIFF’S EDGE - AFTERNOON

Sadie and Crystal, with the tarantula terrarium on her lap,
sit across the desk from Janet.

JANET JENKINS
We’re so happy to have you here
Crystal. We know this sucks. Nobody
wants to be here. But this place
really works. You just have to have
an open-mind.

SADIE
She will.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 5.


Janet glances down at the terrarium.

JANET JENKINS
What’s your little critter’s name?

CRYSTAL
Elvis.

JANET JENKINS
We usually don’t let the kids bring
pets but I told your mom we’d make
an exception.

SADIE
Thanks for allowing it. There’s no
way I could take care of that
thing.

CRYSTAL
She hates him.

SADIE
I don’t hate him, he just gives me
the willies.

She shudders at the thought.

JANET JENKINS
I’m no fan of spiders either. Just
make sure he’s stays in his little
cage.

CRYSTAL
Terrarium.

JANET JENKINS
Excuse me?

CRYSTAL
It’s a terrarium. Not a cage.

REBECCA (late-20s), mousy with a pony-tail, enters.

JANET JENKINS
Crystal, go ahead and get settled
in with Rebecca here. Your mom’s
got some paperwork to sign. And
then you’ll have a chance to say
goodbye.

Crystal gets up and follows Rebecca out. Janet waits until
they are gone.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 6.


JANET JENKINS (CONT’D)
How you feeling hon?

SADIE
Overwhelmed. I don’t know what to
do with her anymore. Ya know, you’d
think after what happened, that
would have been enough of a wake-up
call to stop- I don’t know- to stop
everything. But it’s gotten worse.

JANET JENKINS
I think this will be a good fit for
her. And we provide support and
resources for the parents
throughout this whole process.
Tomorrow, for example, our clinical
director will run a parents’ group.
You’re expected to attend those
weekly.

SADIE
I’ll try. I’m an on-call nurse, so
my schedule is wacky.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In the director's office of Cliff's Edge, Sadie and her daughter Crystal meet with Janet Jenkins. Crystal brings her pet tarantula, Elvis, which symbolizes her attachment amidst her struggles. Janet reassures Crystal about the facility and discusses the importance of support for parents, addressing Sadie's feelings of overwhelm regarding Crystal's situation. The scene captures a mix of anxiety and hope as Sadie contemplates attending a parents' support group, while Janet encourages both mother and daughter.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-filled dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly cliched or predictable

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the treatment center setting, establishes the tense dynamic between Crystal and Sadie, and provides emotional depth through the conversation between Sadie and Janet.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a troubled teenager being taken to a treatment center by her mother is well-executed, with the introduction of unique elements like the tarantula adding depth to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Crystal and Sadie arrive at the treatment center, setting the stage for the upcoming events in Crystal's rehabilitation journey.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of parental struggles and the challenges of raising a difficult child. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Crystal, Sadie, and Janet are well-developed, each with their own motivations and conflicts that drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

There is potential for character growth and change, particularly in Sadie's journey as a mother trying to help her daughter overcome her challenges.

Internal Goal: 8

Sadie's internal goal is to find a solution for her daughter's behavior issues and to cope with her own feelings of overwhelm and guilt. This reflects her deeper need for support and understanding.

External Goal: 7

Sadie's external goal is to enroll her daughter Crystal in a program that can help her with her issues. This reflects the immediate challenge of finding the right support for her daughter.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict present in the scene, both in the strained relationship between Crystal and Sadie, as well as the internal conflict Sadie faces in dealing with her daughter's situation.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, adding to the dramatic tension.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for both Crystal and Sadie, as they navigate the difficult journey of rehabilitation and family dynamics.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing the treatment center setting and setting up the challenges Crystal and Sadie will face in the upcoming scenes.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the conflicting emotions and motivations of the characters, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Sadie's desire to protect her daughter and her own fears and limitations. This challenges her beliefs about what is best for Crystal and how to handle the situation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly in the conversation between Sadie and Janet about Crystal's struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension between the characters, as well as the emotional weight of the situation, providing insight into their relationships and inner thoughts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters and the tension in the dialogue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, adhering to industry standards for screenplay format.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character interactions and a progression of events.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the tension between Crystal and her mother, Sadie, while introducing Janet Jenkins as a supportive figure. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to convey the underlying emotions and conflicts. For instance, Sadie's overwhelmed feelings could be shown through her body language or tone rather than just stated outright.
  • Crystal's character comes across as dismissive and sarcastic, which is consistent with her established persona. However, her interaction with Janet could be deepened to show a more complex emotional state. Instead of simply correcting Janet about the terrarium, perhaps she could express a deeper attachment to Elvis, hinting at her struggles and need for connection.
  • The introduction of Rebecca feels somewhat abrupt and lacks context. It would be beneficial to provide a brief description or action that establishes her role and relationship to the other characters, making her presence feel more integrated into the scene.
  • The dialogue between Sadie and Janet about the parents' group is informative but could be more engaging. Instead of a straightforward exposition, consider incorporating more emotional weight or conflict, such as Sadie's reluctance to attend due to her busy schedule, which could reflect her struggles as a single parent.
  • The scene ends rather abruptly after Crystal leaves with Rebecca. A more poignant closing moment could enhance the emotional impact, perhaps by showing Sadie's reaction to Crystal's departure or her lingering concerns about her daughter.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more subtext in the dialogue to reveal the characters' emotions and conflicts without stating them directly. This can create a more engaging and layered interaction.
  • Consider adding a moment where Crystal expresses her attachment to Elvis, which could serve as a metaphor for her own struggles and need for connection, enhancing her character depth.
  • Provide a brief introduction or action for Rebecca to establish her role and relationship with Crystal and Sadie, making her presence feel more natural and integrated into the scene.
  • Transform the dialogue about the parents' group into a more emotionally charged exchange, perhaps by showing Sadie's reluctance or fear about attending, which could highlight her struggles as a parent.
  • Add a closing moment that reflects Sadie's emotional state after Crystal leaves, such as a worried glance or a moment of silence, to enhance the scene's emotional resonance.



Scene 4 -  New Beginnings at Cliff's Edge
INT. STAFF OFFICE, CLIFF’S EDGE - AFTERNOON

Crystal sits in a leather chair watching Rebecca goes through
her suitcase - patting down her clothes and checking her
toiletries.

REBECCA
So are you here voluntarily or by
force?

CRYSTAL
Both I guess.

Rebecca removes a bottle of perfume and shaving razor.

REBECCA
I’m going to take these. They’ll be
locked up in there with the rest of
the kids’ personal items.

Rebecca points to the black metallic cabinet in the corner.

REBECCA (CONT’D)
You can check out your razor in the
mornings when you shower.

Crystal nods.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 7.


REBECCA (CONT’D)
Everything else looks good. You
want meet everyone or unpack first?

CRYSTAL
Can I unpack first?

REBECCA
Of course.


INT. PATIENT BEDROOM 1, CLIFF’S EDGE - AFTERNOON

Rebecca sits on one of two beds watching Crystal unpack.

CRYSTAL
You have to watch me?

REBECCA
I know it’s annoying but we’re a
line of sight facility.

Crystal places her clothes into a dresser. Through the window
she sees a pool and a volleyball net set up in the backyard.

CRYSTAL
Volley ball net?

REBECCA
Do you play?

CRYSTAL
Yeah.

REBECCA
Any good?

CRYSTAL
Captain of the team.

REBECCA
Damn girl.

MADDIE (18), curly-haired and doe-eyed, comes into the room.

MADDIE
Hey! You the new kid?

XCRYSTAL
I guess I am.

REBECCA
Maddie, this is Crystal. Your new
roommate.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 8.


CRYSTAL
Nice to meet you.

MADDIE
Ever been to treatment before?

CRYSTAL
Nope.

MADDIE
You’re gonna love it. This place is
awesome.

REBECCA
Whatchya doing up here, Maddie?

Maddie spots Elvis’ terrarium on the dresser.

MADDIE
Woah, you have a tarantula. They
let you bring that?

CRYSTAL
Yeah.

MADDIE
Janet must have really wanted you
to come here. She always gives
special privileges to her
favorites.

REBECCA
No she doesn’t. I’m sure if you
wanted to bring a tarantula you
could’ve. And what’re you doing up
here again?

MADDIE
Just grabbing a sweatshirt.

Maddie goes into the closet, grabs a sweatshirt.

MADDIE (CONT’D)
We going to do a welcome group?

REBECCA
Yeah, go get the chairs set up,
okay?

MADDIE
On it!

Maddie leaves.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 9.


REBECCA
(to Crystal)
She’s a lot, but she’s harmless.
Promise.
Genres: ["Drama","Coming-of-age"]

Summary Crystal arrives at Cliff's Edge treatment facility, where she unpacks her belongings under the supervision of staff member Rebecca, who explains the rules about personal items. Crystal shares her passion for volleyball, and fellow patient Maddie warmly introduces herself, commenting on Crystal's tarantula and hinting at the favoritism in the facility. The scene captures Crystal's mix of curiosity and apprehension as she navigates her new environment, ultimately ending with Rebecca reassuring her about Maddie's friendly nature.
Strengths
  • Natural dialogue
  • Character introduction
  • Setting establishment
Weaknesses
  • Low conflict level
  • Limited emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the dynamic between Crystal and Maddie, providing insight into their personalities and the environment of the treatment facility.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of introducing a new character in a treatment facility setting is engaging and offers opportunities for character development.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Crystal settles into the facility and meets her roommate, setting the stage for potential conflicts and growth.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique character dynamics and conflicts within a familiar setting, adding depth to the narrative. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Crystal and Maddie are distinct characters with contrasting personalities, adding depth to the scene and potential for character arcs.

Character Changes: 6

Both Crystal and Maddie show potential for growth and change based on their initial interactions.

Internal Goal: 8

Crystal's internal goal is to navigate her new environment and establish connections with the other patients. This reflects her deeper need for acceptance and belonging.

External Goal: 7

Crystal's external goal is to settle into her new living space and adjust to the rules and routines of the facility. This reflects the immediate challenge of adapting to a new environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict is minimal in this scene, focusing more on character introduction and setting establishment.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, particularly in the conflicting beliefs and values of the characters.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character dynamics and setting establishment.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new character and setting up potential conflicts and relationships.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the subtle conflicts and shifting dynamics between the characters, keeping the audience guessing about their motivations and intentions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between Maddie's belief that special privileges are given to favorites and Rebecca's belief in fairness and equality. This challenges Crystal's perception of the staff and the dynamics within the facility.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a moderate emotional response through the characters' initial interactions and the setting of the treatment facility.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and reveals information about the characters while maintaining a light-hearted tone.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the naturalistic dialogue, character dynamics, and subtle conflicts that draw the audience into the world of the facility and its inhabitants.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and revealing character motivations, creating a sense of anticipation for future developments.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting. The clarity of the formatting enhances the readability of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear scene transitions and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively introduces Crystal's new environment and her initial interactions with Rebecca and Maddie, establishing the dynamics of the treatment facility. However, the dialogue feels somewhat expository and could benefit from more subtext to convey the characters' emotions and backgrounds without explicitly stating them.
  • Crystal's character is introduced as confident and somewhat dismissive, but her responses could be more layered to reflect her inner turmoil about being in treatment. This would create a stronger connection with the audience and enhance her character development.
  • Maddie's introduction is lively, but her dialogue could be more nuanced to avoid the stereotype of the overly enthusiastic character. Adding a hint of vulnerability or complexity would make her more relatable and engaging.
  • The scene lacks a clear emotional arc or conflict. While it sets up the environment, it doesn't delve deeply into Crystal's feelings about being there or her past experiences, which could heighten the tension and stakes.
  • The mention of the tarantula is a good symbolic element, but it could be tied more explicitly to Crystal's emotional state or her relationship with her mother. This would reinforce the thematic elements of the story and provide deeper insight into her character.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more subtext in the dialogue to reveal character motivations and emotions without overtly stating them. For example, instead of Crystal simply stating she plays volleyball, she could express a longing for her past life, hinting at her struggles.
  • Add internal monologue or brief flashbacks to Crystal's past experiences with treatment or her relationship with her mother. This could provide context for her current feelings and enhance the audience's understanding of her character.
  • Consider giving Maddie a more complex personality by adding a line or two that hints at her own struggles or insecurities, making her a more rounded character rather than just a cheerful presence.
  • Introduce a subtle conflict or tension in the scene, such as Crystal's reluctance to engage with the other patients or her skepticism about the treatment facility. This could be shown through her body language or brief moments of hesitation in her dialogue.
  • Strengthen the symbolic significance of the tarantula by having Crystal express a deeper connection to it, perhaps relating it to her feelings of being trapped or misunderstood, which would resonate with her current situation.



Scene 5 -  New Beginnings at Cliff's Edge
EXT. DRIVEWAY, CLIFF'S EDGE TEEN TREATMENT - AFTERNOON

Rebecca stands on the porch watching Crystal and Sadie in the
driveway beside their minivan.

SADIE
Can I have a hug?

Sadie opens her arms. Crystal gives her a stiff hug.

SADIE (CONT’D)
We’re going to get through this.

Crystal pulls away.

SADIE (CONT’D)
Call me when you’re settled in?

CRYSTAL
Ok.

Crystal walks back to the house. Sadie watches as she follows
Rebecca into the house.

Sadie gets in her car.


INT. MINIVAN, DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS

Sadie sits for a moment. Looks at the cupholder in the center
console - sees Crystal’s phone and vape.

She grabs the vape and takes a puff.


INT. GROUP THERAPY ROOM, CLIFF’S EDGE - AFTERNOON

Crystal, Maddie, and Rebecca sit amongst LOGAN (23), a laid
back surfer dude, and 4 other PATIENTS in a circle on folding
chairs.

KITTY (13), tiny but spunky with red-hair wearing a Slipknot
t-shirt, a black skirt, and long gloved fish-net sleeves,
fidgets in her seat and speaks quietly.

KITTY
I’m Kitty. I’m 13. They/them.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 10.


JOHNNY
You were she/her yesterday.

KITTY
Today, I’m they/them. Anyway, I’m
from the Bay area. I’ve been here,
uhh, like 10 days now. I’m here for
depression, anxiety, suicidal
ideation, self-harm and, uh- other
stuff too.

Dakota catches Crystal staring. Crystal averts her eyes.

REBECCA
Thanks, Kitty.

Rebecca shifts her attention to JOHNNY (17), short, stocky
and athletic wears gym shorts and a tee.

JOHNNY
Ey, I’m Johnny. I’m 17. I’m like a
he/him situation.

The kids laugh. Logan holds back a smirk.

REBECCA
You can just say, he/him.

JOHNNY
He/him. What else?

REBECCA
Where you’re from?

JOHNNY
I’m from Bakersfield. I’ve been
here like a week. I’m here for
depression, anger issues, some
substance abuse.

MADDIE
I’ll go. I’m Maddie. 17. She/her.
I’m from Idaho. I’ve been here...
Well, collectively I’ve been here
like over 100 days. This is my
third time here. But this time,
I’ve been here 14 days. I’m here
for suicidal ideation, trauma,
family shit, and sexual
promiscuity.

She makes eyes with Logan when she says that last part. He
looks around uncomfortably.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 11.


LOGAN
Alright, your turn.

VINCE (16), skinny dressed in pajama bottoms and a hoodie, is
hunched in his seat. He pulls his hood up and mumbles.

VINCE
I’m Vince. 16. I’m from Seattle.
They/them. I’m here for depression
and anxiety. And addiction.

JOHNNY
To video games.

Vince glares at Johnny.

LOGAN
Keep your comments to yourself,
Johnny.

Vince withdraws into himself even more than before.

REBECCA
Thanks, Vince.

Rebecca turns to DAKOTA (17), skeletal with shaved/plucked
eyebrows, jet-black chopped bangs, elaborate goth make-up
wearing baggy JNCO jeans and a crop-top.

REBECCA (CONT’D)
And last but not least...

DAKOTA
(sure of herself)
I’m Dakota. I’m 17. They/them. I’m
from the Bay area. I’m here for
drug use, family shit, depression,
uh, obsessive disorder, I like
pluck my fucking hair out. And uh,
I’m sure I’m missing some stuff.

REBECCA
That’s plenty, Dakota, thanks.

Dakota rolls her eyes at Rebecca.

REBECCA (CONT’D)
Crystal, you have any questions for
anyone?

CRYSTAL
I don’t have any questions.

Crystal looks around at all the kids staring at her.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 12.


REBECCA
You open to questions?

Crystal nods.

MADDIE
What kinda music do you like?

CRYSTAL
Umm. I don’t know. I like a lot of
things. Phoebe Bridgers, Taylor,
Lil’ Peep.

MADDIE
Okay, okay, we’ll get along.

Crystal smiles. Dakota gives Maddie side-eye.

REBECCA
Anyone else, questions?

Nobody acknowledges Rebecca.

REBECCA (CONT’D)
Okay great, we’ve got about 10
minutes til Art Therapy. So go to
the bathroom, grab a snack.

CRYSTAL
Can I call my mom?

REBECCA
Uh- sure. Gotta be a quick call
though.
Genres: ["Drama","Teen","Psychological"]

Summary In the driveway of Cliff's Edge Teen Treatment center, Sadie bids farewell to Crystal, offering her emotional support before she enters treatment. Inside, Crystal participates in her first group therapy session, where she initially struggles to engage but gradually opens up, connecting with fellow patients like Maddie. The group shares their personal struggles, revealing a mix of vulnerability and humor, while Rebecca facilitates the discussion. As the session progresses, Crystal's desire for connection becomes evident when she asks if she can call her mom, highlighting her journey of adaptation in this new environment.
Strengths
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Diverse and well-defined characters
  • Engaging concept
Weaknesses
  • Limited focus on immediate conflict
  • Some characters' issues may feel cliched

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the environment of the treatment facility and introduces key characters, creating intrigue and setting the tone for the rest of the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a group therapy session in a teen treatment facility is engaging and provides insight into the struggles and challenges faced by the characters.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Crystal settles into the facility and begins to interact with her peers, laying the foundation for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a diverse group of characters with complex mental health issues, offering a fresh perspective on the challenges faced by teenagers in a treatment center. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and each brings a unique perspective to the group therapy session, adding depth and complexity to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Crystal begins to open up and engage with her peers, hinting at potential character growth and development in the future.

Internal Goal: 8

Crystal's internal goal is to navigate her emotions and struggles in a new environment while dealing with her mental health issues. This reflects her deeper need for acceptance, understanding, and healing.

External Goal: 7

Crystal's external goal is to adapt to the treatment center and engage in therapy to work through her mental health challenges. This reflects the immediate circumstances of her being in a new environment with new people.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is some underlying tension and conflict among the characters, the scene focuses more on introducing the characters and their issues.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle but present, with conflicts arising from the characters' differing perspectives and struggles, adding depth to their interactions.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not explicitly high in this scene, the emotional and psychological challenges faced by the characters hint at the potential for significant personal growth and transformation.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the setting, introducing key characters, and hinting at potential conflicts and resolutions to come.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' complex personalities and unexpected interactions, keeping the audience intrigued about their development.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the tension between self-acceptance and societal expectations. The characters' struggles with their identities and mental health issues challenge traditional norms and highlight the importance of understanding and empathy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of empathy and understanding towards the characters' struggles, setting the emotional tone for the rest of the story.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and reveals important information about the characters' backgrounds and struggles, enhancing the authenticity of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it delves into the characters' personal struggles and relationships, creating a sense of empathy and curiosity about their journeys.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth through the characters' interactions and revelations, keeping the audience engaged and invested in their stories.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the standard format for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a group therapy session in a screenplay, with clear character introductions and interactions that advance the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the dynamics between the characters, particularly the tension between Crystal and her peers, as well as the supportive yet authoritative role of Rebecca. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to convey the underlying emotions and conflicts. For instance, Crystal's reluctance to engage with the group could be shown through her body language and facial expressions, rather than just her words.
  • The introduction of Kitty, Johnny, Vince, and Dakota is engaging, but the scene could be enhanced by giving each character a distinct voice or mannerism that reflects their personality. This would help the audience differentiate between them more easily and create a stronger connection to their individual struggles.
  • The pacing of the scene feels a bit rushed, especially during the introductions. Allowing for pauses or reactions from the group after each introduction could create a more natural flow and give the audience time to absorb the information. This would also heighten the tension as Crystal navigates her new environment.
  • While the humor in Johnny's comment about Vince's addiction to video games adds levity, it could also serve to highlight the seriousness of the issues being discussed. A more nuanced approach to humor could help balance the tone of the scene, ensuring that it doesn't undermine the gravity of the characters' situations.
  • Crystal's reluctance to share her thoughts or feelings is clear, but her internal conflict could be more vividly portrayed. Consider incorporating internal monologue or visual cues that reflect her discomfort and desire to connect, which would deepen the audience's understanding of her character.
Suggestions
  • Add more physicality to Crystal's interactions with the group to convey her discomfort and reluctance. For example, she could fidget with her phone or avoid eye contact, which would visually represent her emotional state.
  • Consider giving each character a unique quirk or catchphrase that reflects their personality. This would make them more memorable and help the audience connect with their individual stories.
  • Slow down the pacing of the introductions to allow for more natural dialogue and reactions. This could involve adding brief pauses after each character speaks, allowing the audience to absorb their stories and the group dynamics.
  • Incorporate more subtext in the dialogue, particularly in Crystal's responses. Instead of simply stating she has no questions, she could express her frustration or fear through her tone or body language, adding depth to her character.
  • Explore the use of visual storytelling to enhance the emotional weight of the scene. For instance, close-ups on Crystal's face during key moments could emphasize her internal struggle and the impact of her peers' stories on her.



Scene 6 -  Fractured Connections
EXT. FRONT PORCH, CLIFF'S EDGE - MOMENTS LATER

From a few feet away, Rebecca watches Crystal on the phone,
it RINGS.

SADIE (OVER PHONE)
Hi honey.

CRYSTAL (INTO PHONE)
Where are you?

SADIE
At the airport.

CRYSTAL
You need to come back and pick me
up. I’m not doing this for 30 days.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 13.


SADIE
No, Crystal. I’m sorry.

CRYSTAL
I’m not fucking joking mom. I can’t
do this. These kids are weirdos.
And the staff-

She looks to Rebecca.

CRYSTAL (CONT’D)
I just can’t. Be here. Okay?
(silence)
Mom? Pick me up!

SADIE
I’m sorry baby. We need this, okay?

CRYSTAL
I fucking hate you.

REBECCA
Why don’t we end the call and try
again later, ok?

CRYSTAL
Mom, listen to me, you need to come
get me.
(screaming)
I can’t fucking doing this.

SADIE
You can get through it, I know you
can.

CRYSTAL
Mom!

Rebecca steps closer, reaching for the phone.

REBECCA
Let’s end the call, Crystal, okay?

CRYSTAL
Don’t fucking touch me!

REBECCA
I’m not.

Crystal pulls away. Rebecca puts her arms up and backs away.

CRYSTAL
She’s trying to take the phone,
mom. Mom! Come fucking get me!
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 14.


REBECCA
Crystal. You’re at a standstill and
we’re not getting anywhere. Let’s
just hang up and we’ll take a beat.

CRYSTAL
Agghhh!

Crystal tosses the phone to Rebecca who fumbles to catch it.

Crystal goes inside. Rebecca redials Sadie’s number.

REBECCA (INTO PHONE)
Hey-

SADIE (OVER PHONE)
Crystal?

REBECCA
No, it’s Rebecca. I’m a therapist.
I was monitoring your call with
Crystal and just wanted to follow
up.

SADIE
Oh, thank you. This is what I was
afraid would happen.

REBECCA
Yeah, this happens all the time.
It’s a shock to their system. And
they just can’t handle it at first.
But she’ll settle. Come around to
the program. They always do.

SADIE
Okay, okay. That makes me feel
better.

REBECCA
I think for now, maybe don’t pick
up her calls. Just for a day or so,
until she calms down. I’ll reach
out to you when I think it’s okay
for you to talk again.

SADIE
Okay, if you think that’s best.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary On a tense front porch overlooking a cliff, Crystal frantically calls her mother, Sadie, begging to be picked up from a program she finds unbearable. Despite Crystal's emotional outbursts and rejection of Rebecca's attempts to mediate, Sadie remains firm, encouraging her daughter to stay. The conflict escalates, leading Crystal to storm inside, while Rebecca redials Sadie to discuss the situation, suggesting a temporary break in communication.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intense conflict
  • Realistic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential predictability in some character reactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and conflict between the characters, creating a tense and impactful moment that propels the story forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a troubled teenager resisting treatment and her mother's struggle to support her is compelling and relatable, adding depth to the overall narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as Crystal's resistance to treatment creates a major obstacle for her and her mother, setting up potential character arcs and developments.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh approach to the familiar theme of family conflict, with authentic dialogue and emotional depth. The characters' actions and reactions feel genuine and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions feel authentic, especially Crystal's defiance and Sadie's desperation, adding layers to their relationship dynamics.

Character Changes: 8

Crystal undergoes a significant emotional change as she reaches her breaking point, while Sadie grapples with her own feelings of helplessness and determination to support her daughter.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to calm down her daughter and provide support and guidance to the mother. This reflects her deeper desire to help others and resolve conflicts.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to de-escalate the situation and prevent any harm or further conflict. This reflects the immediate challenge of managing a difficult and emotional situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Crystal and her mother, as well as Crystal's internal struggle, is intense and drives the emotional core of the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and emotions driving the conflict between the characters. The audience is left uncertain of how the situation will be resolved.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Crystal's resistance to treatment puts her well-being and her relationship with her mother at risk, adding tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major conflict and highlighting the challenges the characters face, setting the stage for potential resolutions and character growth.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' volatile emotions and unexpected reactions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between the daughter's desire for immediate relief and the mother's belief in the long-term benefits of the program. This challenges the protagonist's values of empathy and understanding.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly in the raw and vulnerable moments between Crystal and Sadie, creating a powerful impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and conflicts, driving the scene's intensity and revealing key aspects of their personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict and realistic character interactions. The audience is drawn into the tension and drama of the situation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' emotional journey. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the dramatic impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear dialogue and scene descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional turmoil Crystal is experiencing as she struggles with her new environment and her relationship with her mother. The dialogue is raw and reflects the intensity of their conflict, which is crucial for establishing the stakes of Crystal's situation.
  • However, the pacing feels rushed at times, particularly during the phone call. The rapid back-and-forth dialogue could benefit from more pauses or beats to allow the audience to absorb the emotional weight of the conversation. This would enhance the tension and give viewers a moment to connect with Crystal's desperation.
  • Rebecca's role as a mediator is introduced but not fully developed in this scene. While her attempts to intervene are clear, her character could be fleshed out further to show her motivations and how she balances her professional responsibilities with her empathy for Crystal. This would add depth to her character and the dynamics at play.
  • The use of profanity by Crystal is impactful but could be more strategically placed. While it emphasizes her frustration, overusing it might dilute its effect. Consider varying her expressions of anger to include more nuanced reactions, which could make her outbursts feel more authentic and less one-dimensional.
  • The scene ends with a conversation between Rebecca and Sadie that provides some reassurance but lacks a strong emotional hook. It would be beneficial to end on a note that leaves the audience with a lingering sense of concern or anticipation, perhaps by hinting at the challenges Crystal will face moving forward.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more pauses in the dialogue to allow for emotional beats, giving the audience time to process the intensity of the situation.
  • Develop Rebecca's character further by adding a line or two that reveals her personal stake in helping Crystal, which would enhance her role as a mediator.
  • Consider varying Crystal's expressions of anger and frustration to include more subtle reactions, which would add depth to her character and make her outbursts feel more impactful.
  • Strengthen the ending of the scene by including a line from Rebecca or Sadie that hints at the ongoing challenges Crystal will face, creating a sense of anticipation for the audience.
  • Explore the physicality of the scene more; for example, describe Crystal's body language and facial expressions during the call to visually convey her emotional state.



Scene 7 -  Balcony Reflections
EXT. BALCONY, CLIFF’S EDGE - AFTERNOON

Crystal wipes her tears as she looks out at the mountain view
and then down at Cliff’s Edge massive landscaped property.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 15.


She spots a CEMENT BENCH with an engraving: “Tim, Margaret,
Sami - 2012”

Logan comes out on the balcony with a large paint-stained
tablecloth. He spreads it out over the table.

LOGAN
Tough call?

Crystal ignores him as he puts out art supplies.

LOGAN (CONT’D)
First week’s going to be hard.
Really hard. But you’ll get used to
it here.

CRYSTAL
What’s that bench?

LOGAN
It’s a memorial bench. Couple of
kids died here in 2012.

CRYSTAL
How?

Logan sees the other kids coming out.

LOGAN
I’ll tell you about it later, okay?

The other kids come out onto the balcony along with MAY
(late 20s), the art therapist - a Topanga Canyon hippie
wearing a long paint-stained cardigan.

JOHNNY
My last art therapy group, finally!

MAY
(pure disdain)
So glad you enjoyed my group,
Johnny.

JOHNNY
You know I’d fuck, May, but this
group bloooooows.

MAY
Excuse me?

LOGAN
Absolutely inappropriate, Johnny.
Apologize.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 16.


JOHNNY
Sorry, May.

DAKOTA
These groups do suck.

KITTY
So pointless.

LOGAN
Dakota, Kitty... keep your thoughts
to yourself.

MADDIE
Well, I love this group.

MAY
Thanks, Maddie. Alright, everyone
take a seat.

May focuses on Crystal.

MAY (CONT’D)
And you must be, Crystal.

CRYSTAL
Yeah.

MAY
How do you like it so far?

CRYSTAL
Trying to keep an open mind.

MAY
That’s good. You know, I went here
when I was 16.

CRYSTAL
Good for you.

MAY
Nothing’s changed here.

MADDIE
Three times right?

MAY
Third times a charm.

MADDIE
Me too! I hope. You must have been
super fucked up, just like me!
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 17.
Genres: ["Drama","Teen"]

Summary On a balcony at Cliff's Edge, Crystal grapples with her emotions while gazing at a memorial bench for children who died in 2012. Logan attempts to comfort her and manage a group therapy session, but faces resistance from the other kids, particularly Johnny, Dakota, and Kitty, who express disdain for the therapy. May, the art therapist, strives to connect with Crystal and the group, sharing her own experiences, but the tension remains palpable. The scene captures the struggle between the kids' reluctance to engage and May's efforts to foster a supportive environment.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Exploration of teen struggles
Weaknesses
  • Some inappropriate behavior from characters
  • Lack of resolution in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil of the characters and sets up potential conflicts and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using art therapy in a teen treatment facility adds depth to the narrative and allows for introspection and expression.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Crystal interacts with other patients and the therapist, setting up potential conflicts and character arcs.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique characters and situations, blending humor and drama in a fresh way. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to its originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and showcase a range of personalities and issues, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Crystal shows signs of potential change and growth through her interactions and emotional outbursts.

Internal Goal: 8

Crystal's internal goal in this scene is to navigate her emotions and adjust to her new surroundings. This reflects her deeper need for acceptance and healing.

External Goal: 7

Crystal's external goal is to adapt to the art therapy group and the challenges it presents. This reflects the immediate circumstances she's facing in her new environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There are underlying conflicts between the characters and within themselves, setting up potential drama and growth.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting attitudes and tensions between the characters.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are high for the characters in terms of their personal struggles and the potential for growth or setbacks.

Story Forward: 7

The scene introduces new dynamics and conflicts, moving the story forward within the treatment facility setting.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the characters' conflicting attitudes and unexpected interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' differing attitudes towards therapy and healing. Crystal's skepticism contrasts with May's belief in the process.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' struggles and interactions, drawing the audience in.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and reveals the characters' emotions and conflicts effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor and drama, sharp dialogue, and emotional depth.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue and action sequences, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character introductions and dialogue sequences.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a somber tone with the memorial bench, which serves as a poignant reminder of the facility's dark past. However, the emotional weight of this moment could be enhanced by delving deeper into Crystal's feelings about the bench and its significance, rather than having her quickly shift to a conversation about art therapy.
  • Logan's character comes across as supportive, but his dialogue feels somewhat generic. Phrases like 'First week’s going to be hard' could be more personalized to reflect his own experiences or insights, making him a more relatable character. This would also help to establish a stronger connection between him and Crystal.
  • The introduction of May, the art therapist, is a good opportunity to showcase her personality and approach to therapy. However, her disdainful response to Johnny feels a bit forced and could be softened to make her character more approachable. This would create a more balanced dynamic in the group.
  • The dialogue among the kids lacks distinct voices, making it difficult to differentiate their personalities. Each character should have unique speech patterns or phrases that reflect their backgrounds and attitudes, which would enhance the authenticity of their interactions.
  • The scene ends abruptly after May's introduction, leaving the audience wanting more. It would be beneficial to include a moment of reflection or a transition that hints at the upcoming group activity, allowing for a smoother flow into the next scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Crystal as she looks at the memorial bench, allowing the audience to understand her emotional state and thoughts about the past events associated with the facility.
  • Enhance Logan's dialogue by incorporating personal anecdotes or insights that relate to his own experiences in the facility, making his character more relatable and grounded.
  • Revise May's initial response to Johnny to be more professional yet firm, which would help establish her authority while still making her a sympathetic character.
  • Differentiate the characters' voices by giving each one a unique way of speaking or specific phrases they use, which will help the audience connect with them on a deeper level.
  • Add a closing line or moment that transitions into the next activity or reflects on the group's dynamics, creating a more cohesive flow between scenes.



Scene 8 -  Masks and Tensions
EXT. BALCONY, CLIFF'S EDGE - MOMENTS LATER

The kids sit around the table making papier-mâché masks. May
walks around the table checking in on them.

MAY
Remember to incorporate both your
inner and outer worlds. It should
represent the mask you use to hide
from the world and the mask you use
to hide from yourself.

All the kids are focused on adding aspects of their
personality to their masks except for Johnny who’s just
staring at his blank mask.

JOHNNY
This is stupid.

MAY
That’s okay Johnny. Just try to put
something on it.

KITTY
Get your hands dirty Johnny, it’s
fun.

JOHNNY
It’s fucking lame. Shit doesn’t
even make sense. The mask I use to
hide from myself. What kinda woo-
woo bull shit is that?

VINCE
You’re just mad cause you don’t
have a personality.

JOHNNY
Fuck you.

MAY
Easy, Johnny.

Johnny pounds on the table.

JOHNNY
He fucking started it.

VINCE
Okay, I’m sorry.

JOHNNY
You fucking better be or I’ll smash
your face in.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 18.


MAY
Let’s maybe take a walk, Johnny,
cool off?

JOHNNY
I don’t need a walk. I’m not a dog.

VINCE
(under his breath)
Ya sure?

JOHNNY
What?

Johnny lunges over the table and grabs at Vince’s shirt but
misses. Vince falls backwards in his chair.

Logan rushes out onto the balcony and gets between Johnny and
the table.

JOHNNY (CONT’D)
Get off me.

LOGAN
I’m not touching you. Let’s go for
a walk. Okay?

JOHNNY
I’m good bro.

LOGAN
I’m not asking.

Johnny stares Logan down.

Maddie leans over to Dakota and whispers... Dakota giggles.

MAY
Girls, shh-

JOHNNY
You’re like 2 years older than me
bro.

LOGAN
You’re right, I am but all I’m
asking right now is for you to take
a walk with me. We’ll talk it out.

Johnny finally cedes. He stares Vince down as he follows
Logan into the house.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 19.


MAY
Alright. He’ll be okay. Let’s get
back to work.

May helps Vince up off the ground.

MAY (CONT’D)
You okay?

VINCE
Yeah.

MADDIE
Damn Vince, you got a death wish?

VINCE
I couldn’t help it. He always fucks
with me. Why can’t I fuck back?

MAY
It’s not in your nature.

VINCE
Guess it is when you’ve been pushed
enough.

MAY
Well, I think it would be nice if
you maybe, tried to apologize.

VINCE
Definitely not.
Genres: ["Drama","Teen"]

Summary On a cliffside balcony, May guides a group of kids in making papier-mâché masks, encouraging self-expression. Johnny, frustrated with the activity, clashes with Vince, leading to a heated confrontation. Logan intervenes, suggesting a walk to cool off, which Johnny reluctantly agrees to. Meanwhile, May reassures the other kids and helps Vince after he falls, diffusing the tension.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Intense conflict and tension
  • Unique therapy exercise
Weaknesses
  • Potential for stereotypical teen behavior
  • Lack of resolution in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively captures the tension and emotional intensity of the characters, providing insight into their inner struggles and conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using a mask-making exercise to delve into the characters' inner worlds is innovative and engaging, offering a unique way to explore their emotions and personalities.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the characters' interactions and conflicts during the therapy session, revealing their emotional states and relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of self-discovery and identity through the use of papier-mâché masks as a metaphor for inner and outer selves. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and distinct, each showcasing their unique personalities, struggles, and dynamics within the group.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters, especially Johnny and Vince, experience emotional shifts and confrontations that reveal new aspects of their personalities and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

Johnny's internal goal is to assert his identity and push back against the pressure to conform to societal expectations or introspective self-reflection.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to maintain his sense of control and dominance in the face of perceived challenges to his authority.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters, particularly Johnny and Vince, escalates to a physical confrontation, adding intensity and drama to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and power struggles driving the character interactions and creating uncertainty about the outcome.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident in the characters' emotional struggles, conflicts, and the potential consequences of their actions within the treatment facility.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the characters' conflicts and relationships, setting the stage for further developments within the treatment facility.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the volatile emotions and shifting power dynamics between the characters, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of self-awareness and emotional regulation versus impulsivity and aggression.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, delving into their inner turmoil and struggles with authenticity and self-expression.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and emotionally charged, effectively conveying the characters' inner turmoil and conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense conflict, relatable character dynamics, and the suspenseful build-up to a potential confrontation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of confrontation between the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and escalating tension, fitting the expected format for a dramatic confrontation scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension and conflict among the characters, particularly through Johnny's aggressive demeanor and the reactions of his peers. However, the dialogue can feel a bit repetitive, especially with Johnny's insistence that the activity is 'stupid.' This could be streamlined to maintain the pacing and keep the audience engaged.
  • While the confrontation between Johnny and Vince adds drama, it risks overshadowing the primary purpose of the activity, which is to explore the characters' inner selves through the mask-making process. The scene could benefit from more emphasis on the creative aspect and how it relates to their emotional struggles.
  • May's role as the facilitator is clear, but her attempts to calm the situation could be more nuanced. Instead of simply stating 'Let’s maybe take a walk,' she could employ more empathetic language that acknowledges Johnny's feelings while guiding him towards a healthier outlet for his anger.
  • The physicality of the scene, particularly Johnny lunging at Vince, is a strong visual moment. However, it could be enhanced by including more sensory details, such as the sounds of the materials being used or the atmosphere on the balcony, to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Maddie and Dakota adds a light-hearted element, but it feels somewhat disconnected from the tension of the main conflict. Integrating their banter more organically into the scene could help maintain a consistent tone and keep the focus on the group dynamic.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening Johnny's dialogue to avoid redundancy. Instead of repeating that the activity is 'stupid,' he could express his disdain in a more creative or varied way that still conveys his frustration.
  • Incorporate more visual and sensory details to enhance the atmosphere of the scene. Describe the sounds of the kids working on their masks, the texture of the papier-mâché, or the view from the balcony to create a richer setting.
  • Give May a more active role in de-escalating the situation. Instead of just suggesting a walk, she could share a personal anecdote or insight that resonates with Johnny, helping him feel understood and less isolated in his feelings.
  • Explore the emotional significance of the mask-making activity more deeply. Perhaps include brief moments where other characters reflect on what their masks represent, creating a contrast with Johnny's resistance and enriching the thematic depth of the scene.
  • Ensure that the humor from Maddie and Dakota feels relevant to the scene's emotional stakes. Their dialogue could be tied back to the mask-making theme, perhaps by joking about what their masks would look like, to maintain focus on the activity.



Scene 9 -  Masks of Memory
INT. REC ROOM, CLIFF’S EDGE - AFTERNOON

May leads the kids, minus Johnny, down the hall into the
large rec room with couches, a TV, and a ping-pong table.

On one wall are hundreds of papier-mâché MASKS pinned up.

MAY
Alright, everyone find a spot and
pin your mask to the wall. When you
leave Cliff’s Edge, you’re going to
leave those masks behind.

The kids go to the wall and pin-up their masks - they admire
each others’ work.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 20.


Crystal pins her mask - one half is painted red, sprinkled
with glitter, and has an intricately sculpted black TARANTULA
emerging from the eyeball while the other half is painted
black, sprinkled with glitter, and has a red SNAKE HEAD
emerging from the mouth.

May steps behind Crystal and admires her mask.

MAY (CONT’D)
I love this, Crystal. What does it
mean to you?

CRYSTAL
I’m not sure exactly. I was
thinking of my sister when I made
it. She feels like a part of me.
Like I have to live for both of us
now.

MAY
Sounds like a lot of pressure to
put on yourself.

CRYSTAL
I’m not putting it on myself. It’s
just how it is.

Crystal walks away. May returns her attention to the mask.
Genres: ["Drama","Teen"]

Summary In a reflective afternoon scene at Cliff's Edge, May leads a group of children in an activity to pin their papier-mâché masks to the wall, symbolizing the release of their pasts. Crystal shares the emotional weight of her mask, which represents her connection to her sister, revealing her internal struggle with responsibility and identity. The poignant exchange between May and Crystal highlights themes of emotional burden and the complexities of familial ties, leaving May to ponder the significance of their creations.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Symbolism of masks
  • Exploration of pressure and responsibility
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Lack of external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively delves into the emotional depth of the characters, setting up a reflective and introspective tone that resonates with the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using masks as a symbol of shedding past identities and the pressure felt by the characters is innovative and engaging.

Plot: 7

While the plot doesn't advance significantly, the scene focuses on character development and emotional exploration, adding depth to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique setting and artistic element with the papier-mâché masks, and the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Crystal's sense of responsibility and pressure standing out, along with May's empathetic and supportive nature.

Character Changes: 7

Crystal's introspective moment with the mask indicates a potential shift in her perspective and understanding of her situation.

Internal Goal: 8

Crystal's internal goal in this scene is to express her feelings about her sister and the pressure she feels to live for both of them. This reflects her deeper need for connection and understanding.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to create and pin up her mask, reflecting the immediate challenge of expressing her emotions through art.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict is more internal and emotional rather than external, focusing on the characters' struggles and pressures.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is subtle, with the internal conflict of Crystal feeling pressure to live for both herself and her sister driving the narrative.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are high in terms of Crystal's emotional well-being and her sense of responsibility, adding tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene doesn't significantly move the plot forward, it deepens the emotional and thematic layers of the story.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the emotional complexity of the characters' interactions and the symbolic nature of the masks.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the pressure Crystal feels to live for both herself and her sister, and May's suggestion that it's a lot of pressure to put on herself. This challenges Crystal's beliefs about responsibility and self-identity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly in exploring Crystal's feelings of responsibility and pressure.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is introspective and emotional, revealing the inner thoughts and struggles of the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters, the unique setting, and the thematic exploration of identity and connection.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, allowing for moments of reflection and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character actions and dialogue driving the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses the act of pinning up the masks as a metaphor for leaving behind past identities and struggles, which aligns well with the overarching themes of the screenplay. However, the emotional weight of Crystal's mask could be further emphasized to deepen the audience's connection to her character and her backstory.
  • Crystal's dialogue about her sister is poignant, but it feels somewhat abrupt. The transition from her artistic expression to the emotional revelation could be smoother. Adding a moment of reflection or hesitation before she speaks could enhance the impact of her words.
  • May's response to Crystal's explanation is insightful, but it could benefit from a more personal touch. Instead of just acknowledging the pressure, May could share a brief anecdote or insight from her own experience, which would create a stronger bond between her and Crystal.
  • The visual description of the masks is vivid, but the scene could benefit from more sensory details. Describing the sounds of the kids interacting, the atmosphere of the room, or even the smell of the materials used for the masks could create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • The absence of Johnny is noted, but it might be helpful to briefly mention where he is or why he isn't participating in this activity. This could add depth to the group dynamic and highlight the tension that exists among the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of silence or a shared glance among the kids after they pin their masks, allowing the audience to feel the weight of the moment before moving on to Crystal's dialogue.
  • Enhance Crystal's emotional revelation by incorporating a brief flashback or a visual cue that connects her mask to her sister, making the audience feel her loss more acutely.
  • Have May share a personal story or insight related to the pressure of living for someone else, which could foster a deeper connection between her and Crystal and provide a moment of vulnerability.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enrich the scene, such as the sounds of laughter, the texture of the masks, or the atmosphere in the rec room, to create a more vivid setting.
  • Include a line or two about Johnny's absence to maintain continuity and provide context for the group's dynamics, which could also foreshadow future conflicts.



Scene 10 -  Tensions and Ties at Cliff's Edge
INT. FOYER, CLIFF'S EDGE - AFTERNOON

Logan walks May to the door.

LOGAN
Sorry it was such a rough group
today.

MAY
This is one of the worst groups of
kids we’ve had in a long time.
Awful, mean-spirited little brats.

LOGAN
Yeah, it’s a difficult group for
sure. But they’re just kids, ya
know?

MAY
Miserable kids.

LOGAN
Well, get home safe.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 21.


He closes the door behind her.

LOGAN (CONT’D)
Crazy bitch.


INT. KITCHEN/DINING ROOM, CLIFF’S EDGE - EVENING

The kids sit around the dinner table chatting amongst
themselves while two different evening staff, JASMINE (20s)
and LYLE (30s), watch from behind the kitchen counter.

LYLE
Crystal.

Crystal turns in her seat to see Lyle.

LYLE (CONT’D)
I’m going to be your therapist. Do
you want to meet for a quick
session after dinner?

CRYSTAL
Fine.

Crystal returns to the kids’ conversation. She notices Vince
not engaging.

CRYSTAL (CONT’D)
Hey, Vince. What kind of video
games to do you play?

Vince is uncomfortable but senses she’s trying to be nice.

VINCE
I’ll play anything really. But I
guess I play a lot of Minecraft.

Kitty, unbeknownst to everyone, slyly slips a FORK into her
sleeved glove.

CRYSTAL
I’ve played before. It’s fun.

VINCE
Really? You’ve played?

CRYSTAL
Yeah.

KITTY
(inserting herself)
I play Minecraft too.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 22.


Maddie watches this interaction unfold.

MADDIE
Crystal, do you have a boyfriend?

CRYSTAL
No, do you?

Maddie glances over at Johnny.

MADDIE
No. Not really.

JOHNNY
Least surprising news I’ve heard
all day.

MADDIE
Fuck you, Johnny.
Genres: ["Drama","Teen"]

Summary After a challenging group session, Logan walks May to the door, where she expresses frustration with the kids, whom she finds mean-spirited. Logan defends them but later mutters a derogatory comment about May. In the kitchen, the kids gather for dinner, where Lyle offers a therapy session to Crystal, who engages with Vince about video games. Kitty secretly slips a fork into her glove, hinting at mischief, while Maddie and Johnny share playful banter about relationships. The scene captures the tension between staff and kids, contrasted with the light-hearted interactions among the children.
Strengths
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Emotional depth
  • Symbolic use of papier-mâché masks
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may come off as cliché or forced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively captures the tense and emotional atmosphere of the treatment facility, with well-developed character interactions and conflicts. The use of symbolism adds depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of troubled teens in a treatment facility dealing with personal issues and engaging in therapeutic activities is well-executed. The use of papier-mâché masks as a symbolic representation is innovative and adds layers to the characters' development.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the interactions between the troubled teens in the treatment facility, showcasing their confrontations and emotional struggles. The use of therapeutic activities like making masks moves the story forward and adds depth to the characters.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces fresh dynamics and conflicts within a familiar setting, showcasing authentic character actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, each with their own unique personalities and struggles. The interactions between them feel authentic and contribute to the emotional impact of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters show signs of growth and change throughout the scene, particularly in their interactions with each other and the therapeutic activities they engage in. These changes contribute to the emotional depth of the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the difficult interactions with the troubled youth and maintain a sense of professionalism and empathy.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to establish rapport with the troubled youth and facilitate therapy sessions effectively.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with confrontations, tensions, and emotional conflicts among the characters, adding depth to their relationships and personal struggles.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene adds complexity and conflict, creating obstacles for the protagonist to navigate.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes in the scene revolve around the characters' personal struggles, emotional turmoil, and confrontations. The outcome of their interactions and therapeutic activities could have significant impacts on their growth and recovery.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by developing the characters, their relationships, and their personal struggles. The use of therapeutic activities like making masks adds depth to the narrative and sets up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected character interactions and subtle tensions that arise.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's belief in the potential for change in troubled youth and the challenging reality of their behavior.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, showcasing the characters' struggles, confrontations, and emotional turmoil in a compelling way. The interactions and dialogue evoke strong emotions from the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension, sarcasm, and emotional turmoil of the characters. It adds depth to their personalities and drives the scene forward.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging due to its tense atmosphere, sharp dialogue, and intriguing character dynamics.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene adheres to expected formatting standards for its genre, enhancing readability and clarity.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure and formatting that enhances the flow of the narrative and character interactions.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Logan and May effectively establishes the tension and frustration surrounding the group of kids, but it could benefit from more specificity. Instead of general terms like 'awful' and 'miserable,' May could provide specific examples of the kids' behavior that led to her frustration, which would enhance the emotional weight of her words.
  • Logan's defense of the kids as 'just kids' feels somewhat generic and could be deepened. Perhaps he could share a personal anecdote or insight that illustrates his understanding of their struggles, which would add depth to his character and make the dialogue more engaging.
  • The transition from the foyer to the kitchen/dining room is abrupt. A brief description of the setting change could help the reader visualize the shift in atmosphere and context, making the scene flow more smoothly.
  • The introduction of Kitty slipping a fork into her glove is intriguing but lacks context. It would be beneficial to hint at her motivations or the significance of this action earlier in the scene, creating a sense of foreshadowing or tension that pays off later.
  • The conversation among the kids feels somewhat disjointed. While it captures their interactions, it could be more cohesive. Consider weaving in a central theme or conflict that ties their dialogue together, making it feel more purposeful and connected.
  • Maddie's question about Crystal's relationship status feels a bit forced and could be more organic. Instead of directly asking if Crystal has a boyfriend, Maddie could make a comment about relationships in general, prompting a more natural conversation.
Suggestions
  • Enhance May's dialogue by incorporating specific examples of the kids' behavior that frustrated her, which would provide clarity and emotional resonance.
  • Deepen Logan's character by having him share a personal story or insight about the kids, making his defense feel more genuine and relatable.
  • Add a brief description or transition to smooth the shift from the foyer to the kitchen/dining room, helping the reader visualize the change in setting.
  • Provide context for Kitty's action of slipping the fork into her glove, hinting at her motivations or the significance of this act to build tension.
  • Create a more cohesive conversation among the kids by introducing a central theme or conflict that ties their dialogue together, making it feel more purposeful.
  • Make Maddie's inquiry about Crystal's relationship status feel more organic by framing it within a broader conversation about relationships, allowing for a more natural flow.



Scene 11 -  Confronting Shadows
INT. PRIVATE THERAPY ROOM, CLIFF’S EDGE - EVENING

In a small square room with one window and inspirational
posters on the wall, Crystal sits on a couch across from Lyle
in a chair - she avoids his uncomfortable stare.

LYLES
We don’t have to get into the heavy
stuff off the bat, okay?

Crystals eyes wander to the dark night through the window.

LYLES (CONT’D)
Crystal? Anything you want to chat
about?

CRYSTAL
I’ve unpacked everything with my
therapist at home already.

LYLES
I’m sure. But maybe having some
distance from the event and a new
perspective, such as mine, could
help.

CRYSTAL
Or maybe... it’s just a waste of
time.

Lyle nods.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 23.


LYLES
What about school?

CRYSTAL
I haven’t been to school since it
happened.

LYLES
Do you miss it?

Crystal shrugs...

CRYSTAL
I miss her. I miss my mom not
hating me. I miss being able to
sleep at night.

LYLES
Okay, okay. Let’s talk about mom.

CRYSTAL
No.

LYLES
You brought her up.

CRYSTAL
My fucking mistake.

LYLES
You’re going to be doing sessions
with your mom at some point. You
worried about those?

CRYSTAL
What do you think?

LYLES
Have you done any therapy with her
at home?

CRYSTAL
No. She’s fucking crazy. Its
impossible.

LYLES
Are you open to it?

CRYSTAL
At this point, no, she terrifies
me.

LYLES
How so?
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 24.


CRYSTAL
After what I did, I don’t know what
she’s capable of.

Lyle thinks a moment.

LYLE
This is a tough question but I need
you to be honest. Has she hit you?

Crystal avoids eye contact.

LYLE (CONT’D)
You can tell me.

CRYSTAL
It doesn’t matter.

LYLE
I know it’s scary. To be
transparent, I am a mandated
reporter and would have to report.

CRYSTAL
I know.

LYLE
Think about it, okay?
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological"]

Summary In a tense therapy session at Cliff's Edge, Crystal struggles to confront her painful feelings about her mother, revealing deep emotional scars and fear. Despite Lyle's efforts to guide her through the conversation and encourage honesty, Crystal remains defensive and reluctant to engage. The scene captures the unresolved conflict between her desire for connection and her fear of vulnerability, ending with Lyle prompting her to consider the possibility of discussing her mother's behavior in future sessions.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally charged, with intense dialogue and deep exploration of the characters' inner turmoil. It effectively sets up the conflict and emotional stakes for the rest of the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of delving into past trauma and strained family relationships is compelling and drives the emotional core of the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Crystal opens up about her past and her fears, setting the stage for future conflicts and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of trauma and family dynamics, with authentic and relatable character interactions. The dialogue feels genuine and impactful, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Crystal and Lyle are well-developed characters with complex emotions and motivations. Their interactions reveal layers of depth and vulnerability.

Character Changes: 8

Crystal shows vulnerability and opens up about her past, indicating a potential for growth and change in her character.

Internal Goal: 8

Crystal's internal goal in this scene is to confront her feelings of guilt, fear, and trauma surrounding her mother and the event that occurred. She is struggling with her own emotions and the impact they have on her relationships.

External Goal: 7

Crystal's external goal in this scene is to navigate her therapy session with Lyle and potentially address her relationship with her mother. She is also grappling with the decision of whether to engage in therapy with her mother.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Crystal and her past, as well as her strained relationship with her mother, creates tension and emotional stakes.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Crystal and Lyle facing off against each other in a battle of wills and emotions. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of their interactions.

High Stakes: 8

The high emotional stakes for Crystal and her relationship with her mother add intensity and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene deepens the audience's understanding of Crystal's past and emotional state, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting emotions and the uncertain outcome of their interactions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the scene will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of facing one's past and confronting difficult truths. Crystal is hesitant to open up about her feelings and experiences, while Lyle is pushing her to confront them head-on.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, delving into themes of trauma, fear, and family dynamics.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is intense and confrontational, effectively conveying the characters' emotions and inner struggles.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict between the characters, the raw and honest dialogue, and the suspenseful atmosphere. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and emotional revelations. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the scene's effectiveness and impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy, character-driven scene in a screenplay. The dialogue is well-paced and engaging, contributing to the overall effectiveness of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format for a therapy session, with a clear progression of dialogue and character interactions. It effectively conveys the emotional depth of the characters.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension between Crystal and Lyle, showcasing Crystal's reluctance to engage in therapy. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext; while Crystal's anger is clear, exploring her vulnerability could add depth to her character.
  • Lyle's character comes across as somewhat generic in his role as a therapist. Adding unique traits or quirks could make him more memorable and relatable. For instance, he could share a personal anecdote that connects to Crystal's situation, fostering a deeper bond.
  • The pacing of the scene feels a bit rushed, particularly in the dialogue exchanges. Allowing for pauses or moments of silence could enhance the emotional weight of Crystal's statements, giving the audience time to absorb her pain.
  • The setting, while described as small and filled with inspirational posters, lacks a strong visual element that reflects Crystal's emotional state. Incorporating more sensory details could help ground the audience in the scene and create a stronger atmosphere.
  • Crystal's dialogue is impactful, but it could be more varied in tone. While her anger is justified, introducing moments of vulnerability or humor could create a more dynamic interaction and make her character more relatable.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Crystal physically reacts to Lyle's questions, such as fidgeting or clenching her fists, to visually convey her discomfort and emotional turmoil.
  • Introduce a specific memory or incident that Crystal recalls when discussing her mother, which could serve as a catalyst for her emotions and provide the audience with a clearer understanding of her trauma.
  • Incorporate a moment where Lyle shares a personal story or insight that resonates with Crystal, creating a connection that could lead to a breakthrough in her therapy.
  • Enhance the setting by including more details that reflect Crystal's emotional state, such as the lighting in the room or the temperature, to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Consider ending the scene with a powerful visual or emotional moment, such as Crystal breaking down or Lyle showing genuine concern, to leave a lasting impact on the audience and set the stage for future developments.



Scene 12 -  Tensions at Cliff's Edge
INT. REC ROOM, CLIFF'S EDGE - EVENING

Jasmine plays Monopoly with Johnny, Kitty, and Maddie on the
floor while Vince isolates on the couch reading a book.

Jasmine lands on Park Place.

JASMINE
Alright, I’m buying it.

JOHNNY
Bro is cookin’.

JASMINE
I am not a bro.

JOHNNY
We’re all bros, Jazzy.

Crystal and Lyle come in the front door.

KITTY
Crystal, do you want to play
Monopoly?
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 25.


JOHNNY
Yeah, come play with us.

CRYSTAL
I’m good but thanks.

JOHNNY
Ooh so you too good for us like
Vince over there?

LYLE
Ease up, Johnny. She just had a
session.

Crystal sits on the couch across from Vince.

JOHNNY
Vince, why you never play with us?

KITTY
Let him be.

JOHNNY
No, no, no. He’s got reasons.

MADDIE
Yeah he’s shy.

JOHNNY
No that’s bull shit. Bro thinks
he’s better than us.

LYLE
Johnny, enough or you’re going to
your room.

JOHNNY
Yeah, he gives off that vibe.
You’re above everyone here. Why?
Huh?

Vince ignores him.

JOHNNY (CONT’D)
Cause you don’t do drugs. Or what?
Cause your parents still love each
other?

JASMINE
You really don’t know when to shut
your mouth, do you, Johnny?

JOHNNY
Seriously, I’m just messing around.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 26.


LYLES
Upstairs, now.

JOHNNY
Fucking buuull shit.

Vince watches Johnny stomp out of the room and upstairs.

VINCE
Lyle, when are they going to switch
my room?

LYLE
Unfortunately, we can’t. The other
rooms are both girls.

VINCE
Well if I wake up dead, then that’s
on you guys.

JASMINE
Vince, if you really feel unsafe
then we can have a serious
conversation with Janet.

VINCE
What are they going to do, kick him
out?

JASMINE
I don’t know, do you want to talk
to her?

VINCE
No, it’ll just make things worse.

JASMINE
It’s up to you.

VINCE
Maybe tomorrow.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In the rec room of Cliff's Edge, Jasmine, Johnny, Kitty, and Maddie engage in a lively game of Monopoly, while Vince isolates himself on the couch with a book. The atmosphere shifts when Crystal and Lyle arrive, leading to Johnny's taunts directed at Vince, suggesting he feels superior. As tensions escalate, Lyle intervenes to reprimand Johnny and address Vince's feelings of safety. Jasmine offers to speak to Janet about Vince's concerns, but he hesitates, revealing deeper issues. The scene captures the emotional turmoil and isolation Vince experiences amidst the group's dynamics.
Strengths
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Some characters' motivations could be further explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively portrays the intense emotions and conflicts among the characters, creating a tense and confrontational atmosphere that keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showcasing the dynamics and conflicts among troubled teenagers in a treatment facility is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the interactions and conflicts between the characters, moving the story forward by revealing their emotional struggles and relationships.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces fresh dynamics and conflicts within a familiar setting, showcasing authentic character interactions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their personalities shine through in their interactions, adding depth and authenticity to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters show subtle changes in their interactions and emotions, hinting at potential growth and development as the story progresses.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of belonging and connection within the group, while also dealing with personal insecurities and fears.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the social dynamics and conflicts within the group while also addressing safety concerns for himself.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict is high, with tensions rising among the characters and confrontations escalating throughout the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and beliefs creating tension and conflict among the characters.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes involve the emotional well-being and growth of the characters, as well as the dynamics of their relationships within the treatment facility.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing the characters' emotional struggles and conflicts, setting the stage for further developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in terms of character dynamics and conflicts, keeping the audience engaged and unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of identity, belonging, and self-worth. The protagonist's values and beliefs are challenged by the actions and words of the other characters.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, evoking feelings of tension, resentment, and empathy for the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotions of the characters, showcasing their defiance, sarcasm, and emotional struggles.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the blend of humor, tension, and emotional depth in the character interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene enhances its effectiveness by balancing dialogue, action, and emotional beats to maintain audience interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is well-formatted and easy to follow, adhering to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural progression of events and character interactions, fitting the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the dynamics among the kids at Cliff's Edge, showcasing their personalities and the underlying tensions. However, the dialogue can feel a bit on-the-nose, particularly Johnny's comments about Vince. This could be more subtly implied through actions or reactions rather than explicit dialogue.
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven. The initial Monopoly game creates a light atmosphere, but the transition to the conflict with Johnny feels abrupt. A smoother transition could help maintain the flow and build tension more organically.
  • Vince's isolation is a strong visual cue, but his character could benefit from more depth. Instead of just reading a book, perhaps he could be engaged in an activity that reflects his emotional state or past trauma, providing a clearer contrast to the other kids' interactions.
  • The conflict resolution feels rushed. After Johnny's outburst, the scene quickly shifts to Vince's concerns about his safety without fully exploring the emotional impact of the confrontation. This could be an opportunity to delve deeper into the characters' feelings and relationships.
  • The dialogue sometimes lacks subtext. For instance, Johnny's insults could be layered with more complexity, revealing his insecurities or fears rather than just coming off as antagonistic. This would add depth to his character and make the conflict more engaging.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more physical actions or reactions to convey emotions instead of relying solely on dialogue. For example, show Vince's discomfort through body language or facial expressions when Johnny confronts him.
  • Introduce a moment of silence or a pause after Johnny's outburst to allow the tension to build before Lyle intervenes. This can heighten the emotional stakes and give the audience a moment to absorb the conflict.
  • Explore Vince's character further by giving him a line or two that reflects his feelings about being bullied or misunderstood. This could create empathy for him and make the audience more invested in his situation.
  • Incorporate more subtext in the dialogue. For example, when Johnny makes his comments about Vince, consider having him say something that hints at his own insecurities, which would add layers to his character and the conflict.
  • End the scene with a stronger emotional beat. Instead of leaving with Vince's resignation, perhaps have him express a desire for change or a moment of vulnerability that resonates with the audience, setting up the stakes for future interactions.



Scene 13 -  Tensions in the Night
INT. PATIENT BEDROOM 2, CLIFF'S EDGE - NIGHT

Vince enters the dark room - hard to see but looks like
Johnny is sleeping in one bed. Vince quietly maneuvers
through the dark to his bed.

JOHNNY
Shh.

VINCE
I didn’t say anything.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 27.


JOHNNY
You’re being loud.

VINCE
It’s my room too.

JOHNNY
One more word, I swear to god.

Vince gets into bed.


INT. PATIENT BEDROOM 3, CLIFF’S EDGE - NIGHT

In one bed, Kitty sleeps. In the other bed, Dakota draws in a
sketch book.

After a moment, Dakota twirls her hair and then yanks out a
few strands. She looks over at sleeping Kitty, and then eats
her hair.


INT. PATIENT BEDROOM 1, CLIFF'S EDGE - NIGHT

Crystal and Maddie get ready for bed. Crystal gives Elvis’
terrarium a little tap.

CRYSTAL
Goodnight, Elvis.

Maddie settles into bed.

MADDIE
Goodnight, roomie.

CRYSTAL
Night.

Crystal gets into bed.

Jasmine pops her head into the room.

JASMINE
Lyle and I are heading out,
overnight is here.

PHILLIP (20s), in sweatpants and a sweatshirt, pops in beside
Jasmine.

PHILLIP
Hi Crystal, I’m Phillip. The
overnight staff.
(off Crystal’s wave)
Just wanted to introduce myself.
(MORE)
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 28.

PHILLIP (CONT'D)
I’ll be by every so often with a
flashlight to check up on everyone.

JASMINE
You’re in safe hands. Night you
two.

Jasmine and Phillip leave the doorway.
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological","Teen"]

Summary In a dimly lit facility, Vince confronts Johnny over noise, highlighting their tense relationship. Meanwhile, Dakota engages in a disturbing act of eating her own hair while Kitty sleeps nearby, adding to the unsettling atmosphere. Crystal and Maddie share a routine moment as they prepare for bed, and Jasmine introduces Phillip, the overnight staff, providing reassurance to the girls. The scene captures a mix of tension and dark humor, leaving the characters in their respective beds as the night unfolds.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tense interactions
  • Character development
  • Authentic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical description
  • Lack of sensory details

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively captures the emotional depth and tension between the characters, creating a compelling and immersive atmosphere. The interactions feel authentic and raw, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles and relationships.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the characters' nighttime interactions in a treatment facility adds depth and complexity to the narrative. It allows for a closer examination of their vulnerabilities and emotional states, enhancing the overall storytelling.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the interpersonal dynamics and tensions between the characters, particularly highlighting the conflicts and emotional struggles they face. While the plot progression is subtle, it effectively sets the stage for further character development and exploration.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique and unexpected situations within the familiar setting of a shared bedroom, adding depth and complexity to the characters' interactions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and nuanced, each grappling with their own emotional baggage and personal challenges. Their interactions feel authentic and layered, adding depth to the scene and driving the emotional impact.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo emotional shifts and revelations in the scene, particularly in their interactions and reflections. These changes contribute to their growth and development, setting the stage for further exploration in the narrative.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assert his presence and rights in the shared room, despite the conflict with another character. This reflects his need for autonomy and respect in a challenging environment.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to establish a sense of belonging and security in the unfamiliar environment of the patient bedroom. This reflects the immediate challenge of adapting to a new living situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene is filled with interpersonal conflicts, tensions, and emotional struggles among the characters. These conflicts drive the narrative forward and add depth to the characters' relationships, heightening the emotional stakes.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and tensions between characters creating obstacles and challenges for the protagonist. The audience is left uncertain of how the conflicts will be resolved.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters navigate their emotional struggles, conflicts, and personal growth within the treatment facility. Their relationships and vulnerabilities are tested, adding intensity and depth to the narrative.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the characters' relationships, conflicts, and emotional arcs. It sets the stage for further developments and reveals key insights into the characters' journeys within the treatment facility.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and reactions of the characters, adding depth and complexity to the narrative. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the conflicts will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the characters' differing views on personal space and boundaries. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about respect and autonomy in shared living spaces.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, eliciting feelings of tension, empathy, and introspection. The characters' raw emotions and vulnerabilities resonate with the audience, creating a powerful and immersive experience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense, emotional, and reflective, capturing the characters' inner turmoil and conflicts. It effectively conveys their emotions and relationships, driving the scene's intensity and emotional depth.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tense interactions between characters, the sharp dialogue, and the underlying conflicts that drive the narrative forward. The audience is drawn into the characters' world and relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions contributes to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively setting up conflicts and relationships between characters. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of tension and discomfort among the characters, particularly between Vince and Johnny. However, the dialogue feels somewhat stilted and could benefit from more naturalistic exchanges that reflect the characters' personalities and emotional states.
  • The transitions between the different patient bedrooms are somewhat abrupt. While it serves to show the various dynamics among the characters, it may confuse the audience if not handled with smoother transitions or clearer visual cues.
  • Dakota's actions in her bedroom introduce an unsettling element, but the scene lacks context or emotional weight. It would be beneficial to explore Dakota's character further, perhaps through her internal thoughts or a brief interaction with Kitty that highlights her struggles.
  • Crystal's interaction with Elvis the tarantula is a nice touch, but it feels disconnected from the rest of the scene. It would be more impactful if there were a thematic link between her moment with Elvis and the tension in the other bedrooms, perhaps reflecting her own feelings of isolation or responsibility.
  • The introduction of Phillip as the overnight staff is a crucial moment, but it lacks depth. His character could be fleshed out with a brief line or two that hints at his personality or his approach to the kids, making him feel more integral to the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it more authentic and reflective of the characters' emotional states. This could involve using more colloquial language or incorporating pauses and interruptions to mimic real-life conversations.
  • Add transitional phrases or visual cues to guide the audience between the different bedrooms, ensuring that the shifts feel intentional and cohesive rather than jarring.
  • Explore Dakota's character further by including a brief internal monologue or a line of dialogue that reveals her emotional state or motivations behind her actions, creating a stronger connection with the audience.
  • Create a thematic link between Crystal's moment with Elvis and the tension in the other bedrooms. This could be achieved by having Crystal express a feeling of protectiveness or fear that resonates with the other characters' struggles.
  • Flesh out Phillip's character by giving him a line that reveals his attitude towards the kids or his role in the facility, making him feel more like a part of the narrative rather than just a background character.



Scene 14 -  Neglect in the Night
INT. FOYER, CLIFF’S EDGE - NIGHT

Phillip sits at the top of the stairwell, waves goodbye to
Jasmine and Lyle who head out the front door.

Phillip opens his laptop and scrolls through Reddit.

He waits a long moment and listens for their cars to drive
off outside.

He puts down his laptop and makes his way down the stairs.


INT. STAFF OFFICE, CLIFF'S EDGE - NIGHT

Phillip enters the office and shuts the door. He uses his key
to open the metal black cabinet.

He opens one of the kid’s medication drawers and rummages
through looking for a bottle. He grabs one labeled: ATIVAN.

He pours out a few into his hand and pockets them.

He puts everything back and locks the cabinet.


INT. PATIENT BEDROOM 1, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Crystal tosses and turns in her sleep, mumbling to herself,
gasping for air, sweating.

Maddie stirs and hears Crystal’s distress.

MADDIE
Crystal, you okay?

No response. Crystal calms down and Maddie stares at her a
long moment before nestling back under her covers.

Crystal pops up, awake, gasping for air.

From under the covers, Maddie quietly watches Crystal but
doesn’t move.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 29.


Crystal glances over at Maddie who pretends to sleep.

Crystal gets up and heads out of the room.


INT. HALLWAY, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Phillip is not at his seat. Crystal makes her way down the
stairs.


INT. REC ROOM, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Crystal moves quietly from the foyer into the rec room.

CRYSTAL
(hushed)
Phillip?

She sees him on the couch, lying face down. She approaches
slowly.

CRYSTAL (CONT’D)
(hushed)
Phillip?

He’s dead still. Crystal looks around. She slowly reaches for
his shoulder and gives him a little push.

He doesn’t budge.

CRYSTAL (CONT’D)
(hushed but louder)
Phillip!

She gives him another shake. He pops up and SCREAMS.

PHILLIP
Jesus, fuck. What?

CRYSTAL
You’re suppose to be watching us.

PHILLIP
Sorry, I didn’t mean to fall
asleep.
(beat)
What’re you doing down here?

CRYSTAL
I was getting some water.

PHILLIP
Okay. Then back to bed.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 30.


Crystal goes to the kitchen.

PHILLIP (CONT’D)
Hey, don’t say anything would ya
please?

CRYSTAL
Fine.

Phillip watches her get some water and walk back upstairs.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Phillip waves goodbye to Jasmine and Lyle before scrolling through Reddit and taking Ativan from the staff office. Meanwhile, Crystal, restless and gasping for air, wakes up and searches for Phillip, finding him asleep on the couch. She confronts him about his neglect of watching the kids, but he dismisses her concerns and tells her to return to bed. The scene highlights the tension between Crystal's anxiety and Phillip's careless demeanor, ending with her going back upstairs, leaving him alone.
Strengths
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Effective portrayal of fear and anxiety
  • Intriguing plot development
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Limited character interaction

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the nighttime setting and the mysterious actions of Phillip. Crystal's fear and anxiety are portrayed convincingly, adding depth to the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a staff member behaving suspiciously in a treatment facility adds intrigue and raises questions about the safety of the patients. The nighttime setting enhances the sense of mystery and danger.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Crystal discovers Phillip's questionable behavior, adding a new layer of conflict and suspense to the story. The scene sets up potential future conflicts and raises the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar setting of a mental health facility by focusing on the internal struggles and ethical dilemmas of the characters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Crystal's fear and suspicion are well portrayed, adding depth to her character. Phillip's mysterious actions create intrigue and raise questions about his motives.

Character Changes: 6

Crystal experiences a shift in her perception of the safety and trustworthiness of the staff at the facility. Her fear and suspicion towards Phillip indicate a potential change in her character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

Phillip's internal goal is to maintain control and hide his illicit actions of stealing medication, reflecting his fear of being caught and his desire to alleviate his own anxiety.

External Goal: 7

Phillip's external goal is to maintain the appearance of being responsible and attentive to his duties as a staff member, reflecting the immediate challenge of balancing his personal needs with his professional responsibilities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Crystal grapples with fear and suspicion regarding Phillip's actions. The tension between the characters adds to the overall conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, but not overwhelming to the point of overshadowing the characters' internal struggles.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes in the scene revolve around the safety and security of the patients at the treatment facility. Crystal's fear and suspicion raise the stakes and add urgency to the situation.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and raising the stakes for the characters. Crystal's discovery of Phillip's behavior sets up potential future developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and reactions of the characters, creating tension and uncertainty for the audience.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the ethical dilemma of stealing medication for personal use while neglecting the well-being of the patients. This challenges Phillip's beliefs about right and wrong, and his values as a caregiver.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and suspense in the audience, creating an emotional impact. Crystal's emotional turmoil adds depth to the character and engages the audience.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal but effective in conveying the tension and suspense of the scene. Crystal's hushed interactions with Phillip add to the sense of unease.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, moral dilemmas, and character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the unfolding events.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense through well-timed reveals and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a progression of events that build suspense.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through Crystal's distress and the eerie atmosphere of the facility at night. However, the pacing feels uneven; the transition from Phillip's mundane actions to Crystal's panic could be more fluid to maintain suspense.
  • Phillip's character is introduced in a way that suggests he may not be entirely responsible or trustworthy, which adds intrigue. However, his dialogue lacks depth and could benefit from more personality or backstory to make him a more compelling character.
  • Crystal's panic attack is a critical moment, but it could be enhanced by showing more of her internal struggle. Instead of just gasping for air, consider incorporating her thoughts or memories that contribute to her anxiety, making her experience more relatable and impactful.
  • The dialogue between Crystal and Phillip feels somewhat flat and lacks emotional weight. Their exchange could be more dynamic, reflecting the tension of the situation and their respective roles within the facility. Crystal's concern for her safety and Phillip's responsibility could be emphasized more.
  • The scene ends rather abruptly after Crystal returns to her room. A stronger closing moment could heighten the tension, perhaps by hinting at the consequences of Phillip's actions or foreshadowing future events.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere, such as the sounds of the facility at night or the feeling of the cold air as Crystal moves through the hallways.
  • Develop Phillip's character further by giving him a distinct voice or mannerisms that reflect his personality. This could make his interactions with Crystal more engaging and layered.
  • Incorporate internal monologue or flashbacks for Crystal during her panic attack to provide insight into her emotional state and deepen the audience's connection to her character.
  • Revise the dialogue to include more subtext, allowing the characters to convey their feelings and motivations without explicitly stating them. This can create a more engaging and layered interaction.
  • Consider ending the scene with a cliffhanger or a more dramatic moment that leaves the audience wanting to know what happens next, such as a noise that suggests something is wrong or a shadow moving in the background.



Scene 15 -  Shattered Trust
INT. PATIENT BEDROOM 1, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Crystal puts her water down and slips back into bed.

FADE TO BLACK.


INT. PATIENT BEDROOM 1, CLIFF'S EDGE - MORNING

Crystal wakes up, looks over to Maddie’s empty, made bed.

Crystal sits up and looks around. Her eyes fall on the
terrarium.

She gets up and takes a closer look. She SCREAMS.

CRYSTAL
Elvis!

CLOSE ON: Elvis is stabbed through the back with a FORK.

Logan rushes into the room.

LOGAN
You okay?

CRYSTAL
Elvis! Someone killed him!

LOGAN
What?

CRYSTAL
Look!

Logan looks into the terrarium.

LOGAN
Holy shit.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 31.


INT. GROUP THERAPY ROOM, CLIFF'S EDGE - MORNING

The kids sit in a circle with Rebecca and Logan.

CRYSTAL
I know one of you killed him!

The group remains silent.

REBECCA
Anybody have anything to say?

MADDIE
I slept through the night, I didn’t
see anyone come in.

CRYSTAL
Could have been you!

MADDIE
I swear I didn’t!

REBECCA
I’ll reach out to Phillip and see
if he knows anything, okay?

CRYSTAL
This is fucked up. I want to call
my mom.

LOGAN
Okay, after group.


EXT. FRONT PORCH, CLIFF'S EDGE - MORNING

Crystal sits on the bench on the phone - it RINGS. Logan
monitors the call from a few feet away.

CRYSTAL
Do you really need to listen to my
conversation?

Logan nods.

LOGAN
Protocol.

The phone keeps RINGING...

CRYSTAL
Come on, pick up, pick up.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 32.


SADIE’S VOICEMAIL (OVER PHONE)
Hi, you’ve reached Sadie Miller,
leave a message or text me. BEEP.

CRYSTAL (INTO PHONE)
Mom! You need to come pick me up,
now! Someone fucking killed Elvis.
And nobody even fucking cares. This
place is not safe! Call me back as
soon as you get this!

Crystal hangs up the phone and sobs into her hands.

Logan gives her a moment to let it out.

Crystal finally gets up.

CRYSTAL (CONT’D)
Fuck this place.

Logan opens the door for her.

LOGAN
I’m sorry about Elvis.

CRYSTAL
I want to talk to Janet.

LOGAN
Sure.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In the early morning at Cliff's Edge, Crystal wakes to find her friend Maddie's bed empty and discovers her pet Elvis brutally killed in the terrarium. Distraught, she screams for Logan, who confirms the shocking news. During group therapy, Crystal accuses her peers of the crime, creating tension and silence among the group. She attempts to call her mother for help but only reaches voicemail, leaving her feeling defeated and unsupported. The scene concludes with Crystal expressing a desperate need to speak to Janet, highlighting her fear and isolation.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Emotional depth
  • Mystery element
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity on the resolution of the mystery

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion through the mysterious death of Elvis and the subsequent accusations among the characters. The stakes are high as Crystal feels unsafe and betrayed, leading to a strong emotional impact on the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of betrayal and mistrust in a group therapy setting is well-executed, adding depth to the characters and advancing the plot. The scene effectively introduces conflict and sets up future developments.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the death of Elvis, leading to a shift in dynamics among the characters and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions. The scene keeps the audience engaged and eager to see how the story unfolds.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh mystery element with the murder of Elvis and explores themes of trust and betrayal in a unique setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show depth and complexity, especially in their reactions to the situation with Elvis. Crystal's emotional turmoil and the group's responses add layers to their personalities and relationships.

Character Changes: 7

Crystal undergoes a significant emotional change in this scene, moving from shock and grief to anger and determination. The other characters also show shifts in their relationships and perceptions of each other.

Internal Goal: 8

Crystal's internal goal is to find out who killed Elvis and to seek justice for him. This reflects her need for closure and her desire to protect those she cares about.

External Goal: 7

Crystal's external goal is to ensure her safety and well-being in the face of a potential threat at Cliff's Edge.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, with accusations flying and emotions running high. The mystery surrounding Elvis's death creates a sense of unease and drives the characters to confront their fears and suspicions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Crystal facing suspicion and distrust from her fellow patients. The uncertainty of the situation adds to the tension and keeps the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene as Crystal feels threatened and betrayed in an unfamiliar environment. The mystery of Elvis's death adds tension and uncertainty, raising the stakes for the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and deepening the relationships among the characters. It sets the stage for future developments and resolutions within the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist of Elvis's murder and the uncertainty surrounding the culprit. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around trust and betrayal. Crystal accuses her fellow patients of killing Elvis, highlighting the lack of trust and the potential for betrayal within the group.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, with Crystal's grief over Elvis's death and the group's reactions evoking strong feelings of anger, fear, and sadness. The audience is likely to empathize with the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotion in the scene, with characters expressing their suspicions and fears. The interactions feel authentic and contribute to the overall atmosphere.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, emotional intensity, and the mystery surrounding Elvis's murder. The audience is drawn into the unfolding drama and invested in finding out the truth.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-managed, with a gradual buildup of tension and suspense leading to a climactic moment. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting that enhances readability and flow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension and conflict, leading to a dramatic revelation. The formatting aligns with the expected format for a mystery thriller genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a shocking moment with the death of Elvis, which serves as a catalyst for Crystal's emotional turmoil. However, the transition from the previous scene to this one feels abrupt. A more gradual build-up to the discovery could enhance the emotional impact.
  • Crystal's reaction to Elvis's death is visceral and relatable, but the dialogue could be more varied. The repetition of 'someone killed Elvis' could be replaced with different expressions of her grief and anger to avoid redundancy and deepen her emotional response.
  • The group therapy scene feels somewhat rushed. While it serves to escalate the tension, the dynamics among the characters could be explored further. For instance, showing more of the group's reactions to Crystal's accusations would add depth to their relationships and the overall atmosphere.
  • Logan's role as a supportive figure is clear, but his character could be fleshed out more. Adding a line or two that reflects his own feelings about the situation could create a more nuanced interaction between him and Crystal.
  • The voicemail from Sadie is a good narrative device, but it could be more impactful if it included a hint of Sadie's own struggles or concerns, making her absence feel more significant. This would also reinforce the theme of isolation that runs throughout the script.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection for Crystal before she discovers Elvis's death, perhaps showing her anxiety or fear about the night, which would heighten the tension when she finds the terrarium.
  • Vary the dialogue in the group therapy scene to include more diverse reactions from the other kids. This could include defensive responses, guilt, or even humor to lighten the tension momentarily, which would create a more dynamic interaction.
  • Expand on Logan's character by giving him a line that shows his empathy or frustration about the situation, which would help the audience connect with him more.
  • Incorporate a visual element that emphasizes Crystal's emotional state, such as her body language or facial expressions, to convey her grief more powerfully without relying solely on dialogue.
  • Consider revising Sadie's voicemail to include a personal touch, such as a reminder of a past conversation or a hint of her own struggles, to deepen the emotional stakes for Crystal and the audience.



Scene 16 -  Anxiety in the Director's Office
INT. DIRECTOR'S OFFICE, CLIFF'S EDGE - MORNING

Crystal sits across from Janet.

CRYSTAL
You need to call my mom and tell
her to pick me up.

JANET JENKINS
We’re going to figure out what
happened, I promise.

CRYSTAL
No one’s gonna talk. And my mom
won’t answer my calls. You need to
call her. I need to talk to her.

Janet gives Crystal a long compassionate look.

JANET JENKINS
Okay. Let’s call her.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 33.


Janet grabs her phone and dials. It RINGS and RINGS.

SADIE’S VOICEMAIL (OVER PHONE)
Hi, you’ve reached Sadie Miller,
leave a message or text me. BEEP.

CRYSTAL
Fuck.

JANET JENKINS
Hi Sadie, this Janet calling from
Cliff’s Edge. I have Crystal with
me, hoping to talk to you. Give us
a call back.

Janet hangs up and shrugs.

CRYSTAL
What if something happened to her?

JANET JENKINS
I’m sure she’s fine. She was just
traveling-

CRYSTAL
No, she always answers my calls.

JANET JENKINS
I don’t know, dear. But as soon as
she calls back, you’ll be the first
to know.

CRYSTAL
Well, what are you going to do
about Elvis!

JANET JENKINS
Hopefully one of the kids will come
forward and admit what they’ve
done.

CRYSTAL
Who do you think did it?

JANET JENKINS
I really don’t know. Nothing like
this has ever happened here before
you.

CRYSTAL
Excuse me?

JANET JENKINS
No, I just mean-
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 34.


CRYSTAL
You think I did it?

JANET JENKINS
No. No, not at all. I know you love
that... spider.

Crystal glares at Janet.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In the director's office at Cliff's Edge, Crystal anxiously insists on contacting her mother, Sadie, while expressing concern for her well-being and the situation with her pet spider, Elvis. Despite Janet Jenkins' attempts to reassure her and call Sadie, they only reach her voicemail, heightening Crystal's distress. The conversation reveals Crystal's feelings of being accused when Janet mentions that nothing like this has happened before. The scene ends with unresolved tension as Crystal glares at Janet, feeling misunderstood.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited action
  • Heavy dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion through the confrontation between Crystal and Janet, as well as Crystal's desperate attempts to contact her mother. The dialogue is impactful and reveals the characters' inner turmoil.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of confronting a difficult situation and seeking support from loved ones is well-executed in this scene. It explores themes of loss, fear, and the need for reassurance.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Crystal deals with the aftermath of her pet's death and seeks comfort from Janet. The conflict between Crystal and Janet adds depth to the storyline.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique setting and situation, with fresh dialogue that reveals the characters' complex emotions and relationships. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Crystal's emotional turmoil and Janet's attempts to reassure her are portrayed effectively, showcasing their complex relationship. Their interactions drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

Crystal experiences a shift in her emotional state, from anger and frustration to fear and vulnerability. This change adds depth to her character.

Internal Goal: 8

Crystal's internal goal is to communicate with her mother and seek comfort and reassurance in a time of distress. This reflects her deeper need for connection and support in a difficult situation.

External Goal: 7

Crystal's external goal is to find out what happened to her mother and to address the situation with Elvis. This reflects the immediate challenges she is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Crystal and Janet, as well as Crystal's internal conflict about the pet's death, creates a high level of tension in the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, keeping the audience engaged and unsure of the outcome.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high for Crystal, as she grapples with the loss of her pet and the need for support from her mother. The outcome of the confrontation with Janet has significant implications for her.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and deepening the emotional stakes for Crystal. It sets the stage for further developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters and the unresolved tension surrounding the situation with Elvis.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around trust and suspicion, as Crystal questions Janet's motives and Janet tries to reassure her. This challenges Crystal's beliefs about who she can trust in a time of crisis.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly through Crystal's distress and desperation. The emotional impact is central to the scene's effectiveness.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and reveals the characters' emotions and motivations. It effectively conveys the tension and conflict in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional stakes and the mystery surrounding the characters' actions and motivations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper use of dialogue tags and scene descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dramatic dialogue scene, with clear character motivations and conflict driving the action.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Crystal's anxiety and urgency regarding her mother's absence and the situation with Elvis. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to convey the underlying tension between Crystal and Janet. Instead of directly stating their feelings, consider incorporating more nuanced exchanges that reveal their emotional states.
  • Janet's character comes off as somewhat passive in this scene. While she tries to reassure Crystal, her responses lack a sense of authority or urgency that would be expected from a director in a crisis situation. Strengthening her character's resolve could enhance the tension and make Crystal's desperation feel more justified.
  • The pacing of the scene feels a bit uneven. The initial urgency in Crystal's dialogue is compelling, but the subsequent exchanges with Janet slow down the momentum. Consider tightening the dialogue to maintain a sense of urgency throughout the scene, especially as Crystal's anxiety escalates.
  • The use of voicemail as a plot device is effective, but it could be enhanced by showing Crystal's emotional reaction to the voicemail itself. Instead of just saying 'Fuck,' consider adding a line that reflects her deeper fears or frustrations, which would provide more insight into her character.
  • The dialogue between Crystal and Janet could be more dynamic. Right now, it feels somewhat one-dimensional, with Crystal's concerns being met with Janet's reassurances. Introducing a moment where Janet expresses her own frustrations or fears could create a more balanced dynamic and deepen their relationship.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate subtext into the dialogue to reveal the characters' emotions without explicitly stating them. This will create a more engaging and layered interaction.
  • Strengthen Janet's character by giving her a more authoritative presence. Perhaps she could express her own concerns about the situation, which would add depth to her character and the scene.
  • Tighten the dialogue to maintain a sense of urgency throughout the scene. Consider cutting any lines that don't directly contribute to the escalating tension.
  • Show Crystal's emotional reaction to the voicemail more vividly. Instead of just a curse, add a line that reflects her deeper fears about her mother's safety or their relationship.
  • Make the dialogue more dynamic by allowing Janet to express her own frustrations or fears. This will create a more balanced interaction and deepen their relationship.



Scene 17 -  Burying Elvis: A Tale of Loss and Skepticism
EXT. BACKYARD, CLIFF’S EDGE - AFTERNOON

Logan and Crystal kneel in a patch of dirt near the cement
memorial bench. Logan digs a small hole and Crystal places
Elvis, who’s wrapped in a cloth, in the hole.

Logan covers him with dirt and pats down the soil.

CRYSTAL
You were a good pet. I tried my
best to take care of you just like
Mackenzie would have wanted. I’m
sorry I couldn’t protect you.

LOGAN
That was nice.

CRYSTAL
Who do you think did it?

LOGAN
I really don’t know, Crystal.
Phillip said no one went in or out
of your room all night.

CRYSTAL
Phillip’s useless.

LOGAN
Why do you say that?

CRYSTAL
Let’s just say he falls asleep on
the job.

LOGAN
Good to know.

CRYSTAL
So what’s the deal with this bench?
How’d they die?
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 35.


LOGAN
I don’t know all the details but
there were 6 kids like usual. They
all went to sleep one night and 3
woke up, 3 didn’t. Stabbed to
death. No one was ever charged.

CRYSTAL
You’re lying? That’s just a stupid
ghost story staff tells.

LOGAN
You asked.

CRYSTAL
Are you serious?

LOGAN
That’s the story. Place closed down
for like a year before reopening.

She gives him a skeptical look.

LOGAN (CONT’D)
Why would I lie?

CRYSTAL
To scare me!

LOGAN
Ask anyone!
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In a somber backyard at the edge of a cliff, Logan assists Crystal in burying her deceased pet, Elvis. As they dig, they discuss the circumstances of Elvis's death and a haunting story about a memorial bench linked to a tragic past at their facility. Crystal expresses her sorrow and skepticism towards Logan's unsettling account, leading to a tense exchange about trust and unresolved feelings. The scene captures the emotional weight of loss against a serene yet eerie backdrop, ending with Crystal questioning Logan's honesty, leaving their relationship strained.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Building tension and mystery
  • Exploring dark secrets
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional impact
  • Lack of character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery through the conversation between Crystal and Logan, revealing dark secrets and creating a sense of unease.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the dark history of the treatment facility and the mysterious death of Crystal's pet is intriguing and adds depth to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Crystal and Logan discuss the past events at the facility, adding layers to the narrative and setting up potential conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a blend of emotional vulnerability and suspenseful mystery, creating a unique atmosphere. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Crystal and Logan's dynamic is engaging, with Crystal's skepticism and Logan's mysterious demeanor creating an intriguing interaction.

Character Changes: 6

While there is no significant character change in this scene, it deepens the understanding of Crystal and Logan's relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to comfort Crystal and honor the memory of their pet. This reflects Logan's empathy and sensitivity towards others, as well as his desire to maintain a sense of peace and closure.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to provide information about the history of the memorial bench and the mysterious deaths that occurred in the past. This reflects Logan's role as a source of knowledge and his willingness to share information with others.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict between Crystal and Logan as they discuss the unsettling past of the facility, adding tension to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with Crystal's skepticism and Logan's attempts to provide information creating a subtle conflict that adds depth to their relationship.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are implied through the mysterious death of Crystal's pet and the unsettling history of the treatment facility, adding tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing important information about the past events at the facility and setting up potential conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelation of the ghost story and unsolved murders, adding a layer of mystery and suspense to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the tension between truth and superstition. Crystal is skeptical of Logan's story about the murders, highlighting a clash between belief in facts and belief in supernatural explanations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of unease and mystery, but the emotional impact is not as pronounced as in other scenes.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp and reveals important information about the characters and the setting, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters, the intriguing mystery surrounding the past events, and the dynamic dialogue between Logan and Crystal.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, allowing for moments of reflection and dialogue to unfold naturally. It enhances the emotional impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue. It enhances the readability and flow of the narrative.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a natural progression of dialogue and actions. It effectively sets up the mystery surrounding the memorial bench and the past events.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight of Crystal's loss, using the burial of her pet as a metaphor for her feelings of helplessness and grief. However, the dialogue could be more nuanced to reflect the depth of Crystal's emotional state. Instead of simply stating her feelings, she could express them through more vivid imagery or memories of her pet and her sister, Mackenzie.
  • Logan's character serves as a sounding board for Crystal, but his responses feel somewhat flat and could benefit from more emotional engagement. Instead of just providing information, he could share his own feelings about the loss or express empathy towards Crystal's situation, which would create a stronger bond between the characters.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one is somewhat abrupt. While the emotional context is clear, a brief moment of reflection or a visual cue could help bridge the two scenes more smoothly, enhancing the overall flow of the narrative.
  • The mention of the memorial bench and the backstory of the children who died adds an intriguing layer of mystery, but it feels rushed. Expanding on this backstory could heighten the tension and foreshadow future events, making the audience more invested in the unfolding drama.
  • Crystal's skepticism about Logan's story could be more pronounced. Instead of just questioning his truthfulness, she could express her fear or disbelief in a way that reveals her vulnerability, making her character more relatable and layered.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of silence or a ritualistic element to the burial scene to emphasize the gravity of the loss and allow the audience to feel the weight of the moment.
  • Enhance Logan's character by giving him a personal connection to the story of the memorial bench, perhaps by revealing that he knew one of the children or has been affected by the facility's dark history in some way.
  • Incorporate more sensory details into the scene, such as the sounds of the environment or the physical sensations Crystal experiences while burying Elvis, to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Explore the theme of trust and safety within the facility by having Crystal express her fears about Phillip's negligence more explicitly, perhaps by recalling a specific incident that made her feel unsafe.
  • Consider ending the scene with a more impactful line or moment that leaves the audience with a sense of foreboding or unresolved tension, setting the stage for the darker elements of the story to unfold.



Scene 18 -  Letters to the Flames
EXT. FIRE-PIT, BACKYARD, CLIFF’S EDGE - EVENING

Jasmine, Lyle and the kids sit around a fire-pit. All the
kids have journals and pens.

CRYSTAL
What exactly is vulnerability
group?

JASMINE
Vince, you want to explain?

VINCE
Pretty self-explanatory. We do some
sort of activity that forces you to
be vulnerable with the group.

LYLE
We don’t force you but we encourage
you to be vulnerable.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 36.


MADDIE
What’s it today, Lyles?

LYLE
Today, I want you to think of
something you’ve done that brings
you remorse. Something you feel
guilty about doing. Then you’re
going to write a goodbye letter to
that thing you’ve done and forgive
yourself for it.

MADDIE
This’ll be my third time doing
that.

JASMINE
Pick something different this time,
maybe?

MADDIE
Believe me I got plenty of regrets.

The group laughs except for Crystal.

LYLE
So take your journals, write your
letter. And then we’ll burn them in
the fire-pit to say goodbye.

JOHNNY
Fire!

MADDIE
Fire!

Kitty laughs.

DAKOTA
Burn ‘em with fire!!!

Jasmine looks to Crystal who’s uneasy as the group continues
chanting fire and start dancing around like savages.

JASMINE
You okay?

CRYSTAL
Yeah, just thinking about what I’m
going to write. Do we have to share
them?

JASMINE
We encourage you to, but up to you.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 37.


LYLE
Alright, everybody calm down. Get
writing.
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological","Coming of Age"]

Summary In an evening gathering around a fire-pit, Jasmine, Lyle, and the kids engage in a vulnerability exercise where they write goodbye letters to their regrets to later burn them. Lyle leads the activity with enthusiasm, encouraging participation, while Crystal expresses her discomfort about sharing her letter. The atmosphere is lively with playful chants about fire, but Crystal's unease creates a subtle tension within the group. As the scene unfolds, the kids' excitement contrasts with Crystal's apprehension, culminating in Lyle urging everyone to calm down and begin writing.
Strengths
  • Exploration of vulnerability and remorse
  • Engaging dialogue and interactions
  • Emotional depth and character development
Weaknesses
  • Some characters' reactions may feel repetitive or predictable

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively delves into the characters' emotional depth and conflicts, creating a tense and reflective atmosphere. The dialogue and interactions are engaging, contributing to the overall impact of the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of vulnerability group and the activity of writing goodbye letters to past regrets is innovative and drives the emotional development of the characters. It adds depth to the scene and explores the theme of forgiveness and self-reflection.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the group therapy activity and the characters' reactions to it, leading to moments of tension and vulnerability. It moves the story forward by revealing more about the characters' emotional struggles and relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to exploring themes of vulnerability and self-forgiveness through the vulnerability group activity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and showcase a range of emotions and conflicts, adding depth to the scene. Each character's unique personality and reactions contribute to the overall dynamics and tension within the group.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters experience emotional changes and growth throughout the scene, particularly in their reflections on past regrets and vulnerabilities. This adds depth to their arcs and relationships within the group.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to confront their past regrets and forgive themselves. This reflects their deeper need for self-acceptance and growth.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to participate in the vulnerability group activity and write a goodbye letter to something they feel guilty about. This reflects the immediate challenge of facing their past actions and emotions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily stemming from the characters' emotional struggles, confrontations, and tensions within the group. It adds depth to the interactions and drives the emotional development of the characters.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong as the characters must confront their past regrets and emotions, leading to internal conflict and growth. The uncertainty of the vulnerability group activity adds complexity and tension to the scene.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate in the scene, primarily focused on the characters' emotional well-being, relationships, and inner conflicts. The outcome of the vulnerability group activity and the characters' interactions have personal significance for the characters.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by revealing more about the characters' emotional struggles, conflicts, and relationships. It sets the stage for further development and exploration of the characters' journeys.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it challenges the characters to confront their past regrets and emotions in unexpected ways. The outcome of the vulnerability group activity is uncertain, adding tension and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of vulnerability and self-forgiveness. The characters must confront their past mistakes and learn to let go of guilt, challenging their beliefs about themselves and their relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, eliciting feelings of tension, vulnerability, and reflection. The characters' emotional struggles and conflicts resonate with the audience, creating a poignant and engaging atmosphere.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and realistic, capturing the characters' emotions and conflicts effectively. It drives the scene forward and reveals more about the characters' inner struggles and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it delves into the characters' emotional struggles and growth, creating a sense of intimacy and connection with the audience. The vulnerability group activity adds depth and tension to the scene.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing the characters' introspection and growth to unfold naturally. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure that effectively conveys the vulnerability group activity and the characters' emotional journey. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively sets up the vulnerability group activity, which is a crucial moment for character development and emotional exploration. However, the dialogue feels somewhat expository, particularly in the explanations provided by Jasmine and Vince. This could be more organic, perhaps by showing the kids' reactions or thoughts about the activity rather than having them explain it outright.
  • Crystal's unease is a strong emotional anchor for the scene, but it could be emphasized further. The contrast between her discomfort and the group's enthusiasm is clear, yet the scene could benefit from more internal conflict or a visual cue that highlights her anxiety, such as her body language or facial expressions.
  • The chanting and dancing around the fire-pit create a lively atmosphere, but it risks overshadowing Crystal's emotional state. The juxtaposition is interesting, but it might be more effective if the group’s energy is gradually built up, allowing Crystal's discomfort to stand out more starkly against the group's excitement.
  • Maddie's line about having plenty of regrets is a good moment of levity, but it could also serve as a deeper insight into her character. Expanding on her backstory or hinting at specific regrets could add layers to her character and make the audience more invested in her journey.
  • The scene ends abruptly after Lyle encourages everyone to start writing. A more definitive conclusion or a moment of reflection from Crystal could enhance the emotional weight of the scene. Perhaps she could express a fleeting thought about her own regrets, setting up her internal struggle for the next scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider incorporating more subtext in the dialogue. Instead of having characters explain the activity directly, show their reactions or thoughts about it, allowing the audience to infer the meaning.
  • Enhance Crystal's emotional state through visual storytelling. Use close-ups or specific actions that illustrate her discomfort, such as fidgeting with her pen or avoiding eye contact with the group.
  • Gradually build the group's energy instead of having them chant and dance immediately. This can create a more dynamic contrast with Crystal's unease and heighten the tension.
  • Explore Maddie's character further by hinting at specific regrets or experiences that have shaped her, making her more relatable and complex.
  • Add a reflective moment for Crystal at the end of the scene, perhaps a brief internal monologue or a visual cue that hints at her own regrets, setting the stage for her character development in the following scenes.



Scene 19 -  Fireside Confessions
EXT. FIRE-PIT, BACKYARD, CLIFF'S EDGE - SHORTLY AFTER

Jasmine and Lyle observe the group writing quietly. One by
one the kids put their pens down and look up, except for
Crystal who’s still writing.

LYLE
Alright, looks like we’re all about
done. Crystal?

Crystal finishes scribbling her last sentence.

CRYSTAL
Done.

LYLE
Who wants to share their regret
first?

Lyle looks around, no one’s volunteering.

LYLE (CONT’D)
Johnny, why don’t you start?

Johnny stands up.

JOHNNY
(sighs)
So one time my mom and I got into a
huge fight. I like, I came home
past curfew and she was waiting up
for me. I was pretty hammered. And
I drove. And she just lost her
shit. Screaming and yelling. Which
just got me riled up. And then I
lost my shit.
(pauses to think about it)
I fucked up.

Johnny’s eyes water, lump in his throat.

JOHNNY (CONT’D)
She went to slap me, not even hard,
and I threw a punch. At my fucking
mom. She went down, landed on her
hand and broke her wrist.

The group stares in silence.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 38.


JOHNNY (CONT’D)
She never pressed charges, she
never told a soul. Made up a story.
She protected me. But that
fractured our relationship, man.
She was terrified of me. And I
don’t know how to... how to get her
trust back.

Johnny tosses his letter into the fire-pit, it flutters down
into the flames and slowly turns to ash.

LYLE
Johnny, that was very vulnerable.
Just know while you’re here, we’re
going to do everything we can to
repair that relationship. We know
your mom’s wants that.

Johnny sits down and nods, appreciative. Dakota stands up.

DAKOTA
My regret was easy to pick. It’s
the thing that landed me here.

LYLE
Okay, let’s hear it.

DAKOTA
I was tweeaaaakin’ hard. Didn’t
even know where the fuck I was but
I knew enough to know I wanted some
fucking Burger King. So I snuck out
and stole my parents’ car. Within
five minutes, I’d hit a fire
hydrant and flipped it. Nearly
killed myself. And I’m dead serious
when I say, I’m never touching
fucking meth again. That shit
scared the fuck outta me.

JASMINE
Glad to hear that, Dakota. We’ll do
our best to make sure of it.

Crystal huffs.

DAKOTA
What?

CRYSTAL
Nothing, that’s just a lofty
promise. You don’t know that.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 39.


DAKOTA
What’re you trying to say? That I
can’t do it.

CRYSTAL
No, no, I’m just- It’s not about
you. I’m sorry. I’m just saying
these rehabs can’t promise that.

LYLE
We don’t promise anything, we just
do our best to help guide you.

Dakota sits down.

DAKOTA
Why don’t you go?

CRYSTAL
I’m not going to share mine.

Crystal folds her letter up small.

JOHNNY
Oh come, you gotta!

JASMINE
No, she doesn’t. That’s her
prerogative.

VINCE
You’ll feel better if you share.

LYLE
Let’s give her a break, she’s only
been here 2 days.

LYLE (CONT’D)
How about you Vince?

Vince stands up.

VINCE
My biggest regret was getting
caught masturbating to anime by my
mom.

Johnny, Maddie, and Kitty burst out laughing.

JOHNNY
No fucking way dude.

VINCE
Yeah.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 40.


Crystal can’t help but laugh a little. Jasmine stifles a
smirk.

JOHNNY
That’s fucking hilarious! What the
fuck did she say?

LYLE
Alright, let’s not get into the
details.

VINCE
Nothing, she just screamed and
slammed the door shut.

LYLE
That was extremely vulnerable,
Vince, thank you for that. You can
go ahead and toss that into the
fire.

Kitty stands up.

KITTY
My turn. Probably the worst thing
I’ve done is told my mom that my
dad was cheating.

MADDIE
That’s not bad. Fuck that guy then.

KITTY
Well, the thing is, he wasn’t.

MADDIE
Oh- Why the hell did you do that?

KITTY
I don’t know. All my friend’s
parents are divorced. So-

JOHNNY
Duuuude, what the fuck?

LYLE
Hey, everyone, let’s be supportive.
Sometimes we don’t understand why
we do the things we do. And Kitty
is working hard to figure that out.
Thank you for sharing, Kitty.

Kitty crumbles up her letter and tosses it in the fire.
Maddie stands up.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 41.


MADDIE
My fucking turn! My latest regret
is going off my meds a few months
ago. I was doing really fucking
good. And for some reason, I
just... stopped taking them. Didn’t
tell my parents until they found me
naked outside, sitting on my car
like a fucking whacko.
(beat)
Neighbors were gathered around,
watching. If I wasn’t so oblivious,
I woulda been mortified.

LYLE
Thanks Maddie. Let’s keep ya on
your meds, alright?

MADDIE
(cheeky)
We’ll seeeeee.

She laughs. She tosses her letter in the fire.

LYLE
(to Crystal)
You sure you don’t want to share?

Crystal nods.

CRYSTAL
I’m good.

JASMINE
You want to burn your letter?

CRYSTAL
I don’t think I’m ready yet.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In this poignant scene, Jasmine and Lyle facilitate a group of kids sharing their regrets around a fire-pit. Johnny opens up about a painful incident with his mother, while Dakota reflects on a reckless moment involving drugs and a car crash. Vince lightens the mood with a humorous story about getting caught by his mom, and Kitty reveals her regret about falsely accusing her father. Maddie discusses her struggles with mental health, but Crystal remains closed off, choosing not to share her feelings, which creates an unresolved tension in the group. The scene captures a blend of vulnerability, humor, and emotional depth as the kids confront their pasts.
Strengths
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Crystal's reluctance to share her regret may slow down the pacing

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances humor and vulnerability, providing insight into the characters' inner turmoil while maintaining engagement through the group therapy activity.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of writing and burning regret letters in a group therapy setting is unique and allows for deep character exploration. It also serves as a catalyst for character development and emotional catharsis.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the characters sharing their regrets, leading to moments of tension, humor, and introspection. It moves the story forward by delving into the characters' past actions and motivations.

Originality: 9

The scene presents unique and fresh approaches to the theme of regret and redemption, with authentic character actions and dialogue that feel genuine and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and showcase a range of emotions, vulnerabilities, and growth. Their interactions and revelations add depth to the scene and drive the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters experience growth and introspection during the scene, particularly Johnny and Kitty, as they confront their past actions and strive for redemption. Crystal's reluctance to share her regret hints at potential character development to come.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to confront and process their regrets, seeking redemption and healing from past mistakes. This reflects their need for forgiveness, self-awareness, and personal growth.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to participate in the group therapy session and support others in their journey towards self-improvement. This reflects their immediate challenge of facing their past and seeking redemption.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there are moments of tension and conflict, such as Crystal's reluctance to share her regret, the overall conflict level is moderate. The focus is more on emotional exploration and character development.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with internal conflicts and emotional challenges that create tension and uncertainty for the characters.

High Stakes: 5

While the characters' regrets and vulnerabilities are significant on a personal level, the overall stakes in the scene are moderate. The focus is more on emotional exploration and character growth.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by delving into the characters' pasts, revealing key motivations and conflicts. It sets the stage for future character development and plot progression.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected revelations and vulnerabilities shared by the characters, keeping the audience engaged and curious about their stories.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of forgiveness, redemption, and self-acceptance. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about their own worthiness and ability to change.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from laughter to empathy, as the characters share their regrets and vulnerabilities. It resonates with the audience and deepens the emotional connection to the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is authentic and impactful, capturing the characters' voices and emotions effectively. It conveys vulnerability, humor, and tension, enhancing the scene's emotional resonance.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, vulnerability of characters, and relatable themes of regret and redemption.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing moments of emotional depth to resonate with the audience, while maintaining a steady rhythm that keeps the narrative moving forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character dialogue, and action lines.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution that drives the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the vulnerability of the characters as they share their regrets, which is a crucial aspect of their healing process. However, the pacing feels uneven; while some characters have impactful moments, others, like Crystal, feel underdeveloped in their emotional arc during this scene.
  • Johnny's confession is powerful and sets a strong emotional tone, but the transition to Dakota's story feels abrupt. The contrast between the serious nature of Johnny's regret and Dakota's more humorous recounting of a reckless moment could be better bridged to maintain emotional continuity.
  • Crystal's reluctance to share her regret is a significant moment, but it could be enhanced by providing more insight into her internal struggle. The audience should feel her tension and fear of vulnerability more acutely, perhaps through her body language or internal monologue.
  • The dialogue is generally strong, but some lines, particularly from Lyle and Jasmine, come off as overly supportive and somewhat generic. More unique, character-driven responses could enhance the authenticity of their interactions.
  • The humor introduced by Vince's story provides a necessary levity, but it risks undermining the gravity of the previous confessions. Balancing humor with the serious themes of regret and trauma is essential to maintain the scene's emotional weight.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Crystal as she listens to her peers share their regrets. This could deepen her character and highlight her internal conflict about sharing her own story.
  • To improve the flow between confessions, consider using transitional dialogue or reactions from the group that acknowledge the shift in tone, helping to maintain emotional continuity.
  • Explore the use of visual cues or physical actions to convey Crystal's discomfort more vividly. For example, showing her fidgeting with her letter or avoiding eye contact could enhance her reluctance to share.
  • Revise Lyle and Jasmine's dialogue to include more personalized responses that reflect their understanding of each individual’s story, making their support feel more genuine and less formulaic.
  • Consider allowing Crystal to share a small part of her regret, even if she doesn't fully open up. This could create a more dynamic tension and set up her character arc for future scenes.



Scene 20 -  Sandwiches and Secrets
INT. KITCHEN, CLIFF'S EDGE - EVENING

Crystal, Kitty, Dakota, and Maddie make themselves a peanut
butter and jelly sandwich while watching Jasmine and
Executive Director Janet chat with Vince and Johnny outside
at the balcony table.

Johnny is on his best behavior, nodding in agreement with
Janet and saying “yes, ma’am”. Vince rolls his eyes, seeing
through Johnny’s act. Vince looks to Jasmine for help but
she’s useless.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 42.


KITTY
You think they’re going to kick
Johnny out?

MADDIE
I doubt it. I heard Jasmine and
Lyle talking last night. Johnny’s a
cash client and Vince can barely
afford this place. Janet bends over
backwards for cash clients.

DAKOTA
Johnny better not leave. He’s the
only cute guy here.

MADDIE
Vince is more your type.

DAKOTA
I don’t have a type.

MADDIE
Slut.

DAKOTA
At least I own it.

Janet gets up.

KITTY
Shhh, shhh. They’re done.

Janet comes inside, Johnny and Vince follow.

MADDIE
You guys good?

Johnny pats Vince on the back hard.

JOHNNY
Best buds. Roomies for life.

Vince forces a smile.

JANET JENKINS
Alright, I’m going to get on the
road before the storm comes in.
Jasmine, drive safe tonight. Stay
the night if you need to.

Janet passes by Crystal.

JANET JENKINS (CONT’D)
How are things, Crystal?
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 43.


CRYSTAL
Someone killed Elvis, what do you
think?

JANET JENKINS
I know, I chatted with Phillip
about it over the phone. He said
he’s going to be more alert moving
forward.

CRYSTAL
Oh my god, he knows I ratted on
him?

JANET JENKINS
I didn’t mention any names.

CRYSTAL
Great, he obviously knows it’s me.
Fuck this place.

JANET JENKINS
Language dear-

CRYSTAL
(ignoring)
Jasmine, has my mom called back?

JASMINE
Not that I know of.

CRYSTAL
Can I call her?

JASMINE
I’m going to start meds, but maybe
Lyle can do the call when he’s out
of the bathroom.

The toilet FLUSHES. Lyle exits the bathroom - sees everyone
staring at him.

LYLE
What? I washed my hands.

JASMINE
Take Crystal for a call.
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary In the kitchen at Cliff's Edge, Crystal, Kitty, Dakota, and Maddie prepare peanut butter and jelly sandwiches while observing a tense conversation outside involving Johnny, Janet, and Vince. Crystal expresses her anxiety about a potential confrontation with Phillip after reporting him, while Jasmine offers support. The scene is lightened by playful banter among friends, especially between Maddie and Dakota, and Lyle's humorous entrance from the bathroom. The underlying tensions regarding Johnny's insincerity and Crystal's worries create a mix of camaraderie and conflict.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-building dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some characters' motivations could be further clarified
  • Potential for more dynamic action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth through its dialogue and character interactions, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring vulnerabilities and regrets within a group therapy setting is compelling and adds depth to the characters' dynamics.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses with the revelation of Elvis's death and the characters' reactions, setting up potential conflicts and emotional arcs.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique character dynamics and conflicts, with fresh approaches to familiar themes of loyalty and betrayal. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, each with their own vulnerabilities, regrets, and unique personalities that drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

While some characters reveal vulnerabilities and regrets, leading to potential growth, others remain guarded, hinting at deeper layers yet to be explored.

Internal Goal: 8

Crystal's internal goal is to navigate the complex social dynamics and potential betrayal within the group. She is also dealing with personal issues related to her family and feeling isolated.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to maintain her standing within the group and avoid any negative consequences of her actions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, from the tension between characters to the unresolved mystery of Elvis's death.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations among the characters creating obstacles and challenges.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as the characters grapple with personal demons, unresolved conflicts, and the mystery surrounding Elvis's death, adding tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key information, deepening character relationships, and setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting alliances and hidden motivations of the characters, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a conflict between loyalty and self-preservation evident in the scene. Crystal is torn between protecting herself and potentially betraying others.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from anxiety and frustration to humor and sympathy, creating a strong emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys tension, emotion, and humor, reflecting the characters' inner struggles and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension and drama among the characters, the sharp dialogue, and the relatable interpersonal dynamics.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a good balance of dialogue and action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character introductions, conflict development, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension and dynamics among the characters, particularly through the dialogue and interactions. However, the dialogue can feel a bit on-the-nose at times, especially with the exposition about Johnny being a cash client. This could be shown rather than told, perhaps through visual cues or subtext in the characters' interactions.
  • Crystal's frustration about Elvis's death is a strong emotional anchor for the scene, but it could be more deeply explored. The dialogue with Janet feels somewhat surface-level; it might benefit from a more emotional exchange that highlights Crystal's feelings of betrayal and fear regarding Phillip's awareness of her reporting him.
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven. The banter among the girls is lively, but it can distract from the more serious undertones of Crystal's situation. Balancing the light-hearted moments with the gravity of Crystal's emotional state could enhance the overall impact.
  • The introduction of Lyle coming out of the bathroom feels a bit abrupt and could be better integrated into the flow of the scene. It might be more effective to have him enter at a moment that builds tension or adds to the urgency of Crystal's need to call her mother.
  • The scene ends on a somewhat unresolved note, which can be effective, but it may leave the audience feeling unsatisfied. Providing a stronger emotional beat or a cliffhanger could enhance the scene's impact and lead into the next one more effectively.
Suggestions
  • Consider using subtext in the dialogue to convey the characters' feelings and relationships more subtly. For example, instead of stating that Johnny is a cash client, show the tension through Vince's reactions or through a more indirect conversation.
  • Deepen Crystal's emotional response to Elvis's death by allowing her to express her feelings more vividly. Perhaps she could have a moment of reflection or a flashback that illustrates her bond with Elvis, making her anger and frustration more palpable.
  • Balance the comedic elements with the serious themes by interspersing moments of levity with more poignant dialogue. This could involve having the girls joke around but then quickly shift to a more serious conversation about their fears or regrets.
  • Integrate Lyle's entrance more smoothly into the scene. Perhaps he could overhear part of the conversation and react, adding to the tension or urgency of Crystal's situation.
  • End the scene with a stronger emotional hook, such as Crystal's reaction to not being able to call her mother or a moment of silence that underscores the gravity of her situation, leaving the audience eager to see how it unfolds.



Scene 21 -  Fractured Connections
EXT. FRONT PORCH, CLIFF'S EDGE - NIGHT

Lyle stands a few feet away watching Crystal on the phone. It
RINGS and RINGS. Sadie’s VOICEMAIL clicks on:
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 44.


SADIE’S VOICEMAIL (OVER PHONE)
Hi, you’ve reached Sadie Miller,
leave a message or text me. BEEP.

CRYSTAL
(screaming)
Fuck you!


INT. FOYER, CLIFF'S EDGE - EVENING

Maddie sits in front of the halved staff office door where
staff administers meds over the counter. Jasmine places a cup
of pills down.

JASMINE
Here you go.

CRYSTAL (O.S.)
(screaming)
Pick up, you bitch! Fuuuuuck!

Maddie and Jasmine stare at each other, stunned.

JASMINE
First few days are tough here, huh?

Maddie nods as Crystal and Lyle come in the front door.

Everyone avoids looking at Crystal who’s red-faced and teary-
eyed as she sits on the couch in the rec room opposite Vince
and Kitty.

Maddie knocks back the pills into her mouth and dry swallows.

JASMINE (CONT’D)
You have to take with water.

MADDIE
I didn’t bring any water.

JASMINE
You know the rules.

Maddie shrugs.

JASMINE (CONT’D)
Let me see.

Maddie opens her mouth and sticks out her tongue.

MADDIE
Ahhhhhh-
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 45.


JASMINE
Move your tongue around.

Maddie wiggles her tongue around in a circle.

MADDIE
I’m not fucking cheeking, Jazz!

JASMINE
Alright. Sign and go.

Maddie signs the iPad and leaves.

Crystal steps up and sits in the seat. Jasmine meticulously
pours out a pill from several bottles into the cup.

CRYSTAL
Give me my fucking drugs.

JASMINE
Patience please, there’s quite a
few.

CRYSTAL
Yeah, takes a lot to keep this
stable. (motions to her head)

Crystal swallows with water. Jasmine motions for her to open
her mouth.

JASMINE
Let me see.

Crystal opens her mouth and moves her tongue around.

JASMINE (CONT’D)
You doing okay?

CRYSTAL
No.

JASMINE
Anything I can do to help? You want
to talk?

CRYSTAL
I’d rather slit my wrists.

JASMINE
I understand you’re struggling, but
we can’t joke like that here, okay?

CRYSTAL
Who said I’m joking?
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 46.


JASMINE
If you’re not joking then we need
to fill out a suicidal ideation
scale and see about going to the
hospital.

Crystal rolls her eyes.

CRYSTAL
For fucks sake. Fine. I’m joking.

Jasmine nods her.

JASMINE
Okay. Well, I’m here till eleven if
you want to talk.

Crystal walks away.
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary In a tense scene at Cliff's Edge facility, Crystal struggles with her emotions as she attempts to reach Sadie by phone, expressing her frustration through angry outbursts. Inside, she confronts Jasmine over her medication, revealing her distress and making a dark joke about self-harm that leads to a serious discussion about mental health. Lyle observes from a distance, concerned but passive. The scene highlights the ongoing challenges of mental health treatment, ending with Crystal walking away unresolved after a brief exchange with Jasmine.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Tension and conflict
  • Realistic portrayal of mental health struggles
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may come across as melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the tension and emotional depth of the characters, drawing the audience into their struggles and conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring mental health issues and interpersonal dynamics in a group therapy setting is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the interactions and conflicts between the characters, particularly Crystal's escalating emotional state and the dynamics within the group.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh and authentic portrayal of mental health struggles, with realistic dialogue and interactions that feel genuine. The characters' actions and emotions are portrayed with authenticity.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are clearly portrayed, especially Crystal's internal struggles and the dynamics between her and the other group members.

Character Changes: 8

Crystal undergoes a significant emotional journey in the scene, revealing more about her internal struggles and the impact of her past trauma.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to cope with her emotional turmoil and struggles with mental health. She is seeking support and medication to stabilize her condition.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to follow the rules and procedures of the facility to receive her medication and support.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Crystal and Jasmine, as well as the internal conflicts within Crystal herself, create a high level of tension and drama in the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing internal struggles with her mental health and external challenges in following the rules of the facility. The uncertainty of how the situation will unfold adds to the tension.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are present in Crystal's mental health struggles and the tensions within the group, adding urgency and drama to the scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the audience's understanding of the characters and their relationships, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the raw and emotional reactions of the characters, which keep the audience on edge and unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's struggle with her mental health and the staff's duty to ensure her safety. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about her own well-being and the seriousness of her condition.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact of the scene is significant, particularly in Crystal's outbursts and struggles with her mental health, as well as the dynamics within the group.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotions of the scene, particularly in Crystal's interactions with Jasmine and her defiant attitude.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional content and the authentic portrayal of mental health struggles. The dialogue and interactions between the characters draw the audience in and create a sense of tension and empathy.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the emotional intensity of the interactions between the characters. The rhythm of the dialogue drives the scene forward and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions that are easy to follow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-paced dialogue that drives the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Crystal's emotional turmoil and frustration, particularly through her interactions with the voicemail and Jasmine. However, the transition from the outdoor setting to the indoor setting could be smoother to maintain the emotional continuity.
  • Crystal's dialogue is raw and authentic, reflecting her pain and anger. However, the use of profanity, while impactful, could be balanced with moments of vulnerability to deepen her character and make her struggles more relatable.
  • The dynamic between Crystal and Jasmine is well-established, showcasing Jasmine's role as a caretaker. However, Jasmine's responses could be more empathetic to enhance the emotional weight of the scene. For instance, instead of just stating rules, she could express understanding of Crystal's pain.
  • Maddie's character is introduced in a way that feels somewhat disconnected from the main emotional arc of Crystal. While her actions provide comic relief, they could be better integrated to support the overall tone of the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, particularly in the dialogue exchanges. Allowing for pauses or moments of silence could heighten the tension and give the audience time to absorb Crystal's emotional state.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection for Crystal after her outburst on the phone, perhaps showing her internal struggle or a flashback that highlights her relationship with her mother.
  • Enhance Jasmine's character by incorporating more empathetic dialogue that acknowledges Crystal's pain, rather than just focusing on rules and procedures. This could create a stronger bond between the two characters.
  • Introduce a visual element that symbolizes Crystal's emotional state, such as a close-up of her hands shaking or her breathing becoming erratic, to visually convey her distress.
  • Explore the potential for Maddie to provide a moment of levity that also connects to Crystal's struggles, perhaps by sharing a relatable experience that highlights the challenges of being in the facility.
  • Consider revising the dialogue to include more subtext, allowing characters to express their feelings without explicitly stating them. This can create a more nuanced interaction that resonates with the audience.



Scene 22 -  Tensions in the Rain
INT. FOYER, CLIFF'S EDGE - NIGHT

Phillip sits at his perch atop the stairs and waves to
Jasmine and Lyle as they walk out the front door into the
pouring rain.

PHILLIP
Drive safe! It was nasty on the way
here. Couple mud slides.

LYLE
Thanks for the heads up bud.

They leave.


INT. PATIENT BEDROOM 1, CLIFF'S EDGE - NIGHT

Crystal and Maddie settle into bed. Phillip pokes his head in
the doorway.

PHILLIP
Night girls.

MADDIE
Goodnight, Phillip.

PHILLIP
Sorry about your spider, Crystal.

His stare lingers a moment too long.

CRYSTAL
Thanks.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 47.


Phillip leaves. Maddie and Crystal share a look.

MADDIE
You think he did it?

CRYSTAL
I don’t know but he definitely
knows I ratted on him for falling
asleep. Fuck.

MADDIE
Dude’s got one job, don’t fall
asleep.

CRYSTAL
You swear you didn’t do it?

MADDIE
On my mother’s life.

CRYSTAL
You hate your mother.

MADDIE
On my life.

CRYSTAL
You’re suicidal.

Maddie laughs.

MADDIE
Exactly, I’m not homicidal.

Crystal doesn’t laugh.

MADDIE (CONT’D)
Look, I swear.

Crystal, not convinced, turns over in bed, back to Maddie.

MADDIE (CONT’D)
Goodnight.

No response.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary As Phillip bids farewell to Jasmine and Lyle amidst warnings of mudslides, he checks on Crystal and Maddie, who are settling in for the night. A conversation about Crystal's spider escalates into suspicion and doubt, with Crystal questioning Phillip's intentions and Maddie defending her innocence. The scene is marked by a tense atmosphere, contrasting the pouring rain outside with the emotional turmoil inside, ultimately ending with Crystal turning away from Maddie, leaving their conflict unresolved.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Emotional depth
  • Mystery elements
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue, keeping the audience engaged with its dark and mysterious elements.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of investigating the death of a pet spider and the underlying tensions among the characters is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the revelation of the pet spider's death and the characters' reactions, adding depth to the ongoing storyline.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on themes of trust and betrayal within a group of friends. The characters' dialogue feels authentic and reveals their inner conflicts effectively.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' emotions and interactions are well-developed, showcasing their individual struggles and suspicions.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience shifts in their emotions and relationships, particularly in response to the pet spider's death.

Internal Goal: 8

Crystal's internal goal in this scene is to determine whether her friend Maddie is telling the truth about not being involved in a certain incident. This reflects Crystal's need for trust and honesty in her relationships.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to navigate the interpersonal dynamics and potential betrayal within the group of friends. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining trust and loyalty.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict arises from the suspicion surrounding the pet spider's death and the characters' interactions, creating a tense atmosphere.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations and hidden agendas creating uncertainty and suspense.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes involve the characters' trust, suspicions, and emotional well-being, adding intensity to the scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new mystery and deepening the characters' conflicts and emotions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the subtle hints of deception and the characters' conflicting motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of trust, honesty, and loyalty. Crystal's skepticism towards Maddie challenges her beliefs about friendship and integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions of anxiety, grief, and suspicion, drawing the audience into the characters' turmoil.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and adds to the overall tension of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense atmosphere, realistic dialogue, and intriguing character dynamics.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and interested in the unfolding drama.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and conflicts. It maintains a good pace and rhythm.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by highlighting Crystal's distrust of Phillip and her anxiety about the spider's death. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to deepen the emotional stakes. For instance, instead of directly stating their suspicions, the characters could use more indirect language or metaphors that reflect their fears and insecurities.
  • Maddie's humor serves as a contrast to Crystal's seriousness, which is a good dynamic. However, the humor feels a bit forced in places, particularly when Maddie jokes about being suicidal. This could come off as insensitive and may detract from the gravity of the situation. A more nuanced approach to Maddie's humor could enhance the scene's emotional impact.
  • The pacing of the scene is somewhat uneven. The transition from Phillip's departure to the conversation between Crystal and Maddie feels abrupt. A brief moment of silence or a visual cue could help to emphasize the weight of Phillip's lingering gaze and the tension it creates.
  • Crystal's internal conflict about trusting Maddie is clear, but the dialogue could be more layered. Instead of stating 'You swear you didn’t do it?' it could be more effective to show her doubt through her actions or body language, allowing the audience to infer her feelings rather than explicitly stating them.
  • The scene ends on a note of unresolved tension, which is effective for building suspense. However, it might benefit from a stronger visual or auditory cue that reinforces the atmosphere of unease, such as the sound of rain intensifying or a shadow passing by the window.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtext to the dialogue to convey the characters' emotions and fears without stating them outright. This can create a richer experience for the audience.
  • Reevaluate Maddie's humor to ensure it aligns with the tone of the scene. Aim for humor that feels organic to her character while still respecting the gravity of the situation.
  • Incorporate a brief moment of silence or a visual cue after Phillip leaves to emphasize the tension and allow the audience to absorb the weight of the moment.
  • Show Crystal's internal conflict through her actions or body language rather than through direct dialogue. This can create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Enhance the scene's atmosphere by adding sensory details, such as the sound of rain or visual elements that reinforce the tension, to leave the audience with a lingering sense of unease.



Scene 23 -  Night of Terror at Cliff's Edge
EXT. CLIFF’S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

The moon glows high above the property. The pool shimmers.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 48.


INT. FOYER, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Phillip doses off in his seat. He snaps to attention. He
grabs his coffee mug, empty.

He gets up and heads down the stairs.


INT. STAFF OFFICE, CLIFF’S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Phillip unlocks the door and heads for the coffee machine.
The box of coffee pods is empty.

PHILLIP
Goddamn it.

He looks around the office and notices a shadow pass by
through the rain-streaked window.

He looks through the window but doesn’t see anything.


EXT. FRONT PORCH, CLIFF’S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Phillip steps out onto the porch in the windy rain. He looks
around. He hears a rustle in the bushes across the driveway.

He shines his flashlight toward the sound. The bush stops
moving.

He heads cautiously down the porch steps to get a closer
look.

Phillip WHISTLES.

PHILLIP
Come out little critter.

He takes a few more steps. A large COYOTE emerges from behind
the bush.

PHILLIP (CONT’D)
Shit.

Phillip doubles back inside the house.


INT. FOYER, CLIFF’S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Phillip closes the door.

PHILLIP
Coffee time.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 49.


INT. DIRECTOR'S OFFICE, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Phillip opens the door to the pitch black room. He feels
around for the light switch and flips it on. He steps down
into the room.

To his surprise, Janet is sitting at her desk staring
straight ahead.

PHILLIP
Janet? What are you doing here?

No response. Phillip approaches the desk.

PHILLIP (CONT’D)
You get stormed in?
(beat)
Janet, you okay?

He walks around the desk and sees a pair of SCISSORS jabbed
into the back of her neck.

He jumps back.

PHILLIP (CONT’D)
Holy fuck-

The lights go out.

Phillip spins around, disoriented.

He stumbles into the desk, knocking Janet into a forward
slouch, her head hits the desk.

Phillip runs for the door- SLICE! A knife slashes through his
Achilles tendon.

He goes down hard, grabbing at his bloody ankle.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary In the dark, stormy night at Cliff's Edge, Phillip awakens feeling drowsy and discovers the coffee pod box is empty. Investigating a shadow outside, he encounters a coyote that frightens him back indoors. Upon entering the director's office, he is horrified to find Janet unresponsive with scissors in her neck. As he processes the shocking scene, the lights go out, and he is violently attacked, resulting in a knife slashing his Achilles tendon, leaving him injured and in a state of panic.
Strengths
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Creating a dark and eerie atmosphere
  • Shocking plot twists
  • Emotional impact on the audience
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through its atmospheric setting, unexpected plot twists, and disturbing revelations. The dark and mysterious tone keeps the audience engaged and on edge, leading to a shocking climax.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a murder mystery unfolding at a secluded facility adds depth and intrigue to the storyline. The scene effectively introduces elements of horror and suspense, keeping the audience guessing and invested in the unfolding events.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is gripping and full of unexpected twists, from the discovery of a murder to the eerie encounters with mysterious figures. The escalating tension and suspense drive the narrative forward, keeping the audience engaged and eager to uncover the truth.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a familiar suspenseful setting, with authentic character reactions and dialogue that enhance the tension and intrigue.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters in the scene react realistically to the unfolding events, showcasing their fears, vulnerabilities, and suspicions. Each character's unique personality adds depth to the narrative and contributes to the overall sense of mystery and suspense.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters experience significant changes in the scene, from heightened fear and suspicion to a deepening sense of unease and vulnerability. The shocking events and disturbing revelations challenge the characters' beliefs and perceptions, leading to emotional growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Phillip's internal goal in this scene is to find out what is happening at Cliff's Edge and ensure the safety of himself and Janet. This reflects his deeper need for security and control in a dangerous situation.

External Goal: 7

Phillip's external goal is to investigate the strange occurrences at Cliff's Edge and protect himself and Janet from potential danger. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, from the characters' fears and suspicions to the shocking events unfolding around them. The escalating tension and sense of danger create a high-stakes situation that keeps the audience on edge.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Phillip facing physical and emotional challenges that create obstacles to his goals and keep the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes in the scene, from the discovery of a murder to the eerie encounters with mysterious figures, create a sense of danger and urgency. The characters' lives are at risk, and the unfolding events threaten to unravel the fragile peace at Cliff's Edge, raising the stakes to a critical level.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward with its shocking revelations, unexpected plot twists, and escalating tension. The discovery of a murder and the eerie encounters with mysterious figures add depth and complexity to the narrative, setting the stage for further intrigue and suspense.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden twists and turns in the plot, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between safety and danger, as Phillip is torn between wanting to protect himself and Janet while facing unknown threats. This challenges his beliefs about control and security in a precarious situation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, shock, and suspense, drawing the audience into the characters' harrowing experiences. The disturbing events and eerie atmosphere create a sense of dread and unease, leaving a lasting emotional impact.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and reactions effectively. The tense exchanges and eerie interactions enhance the atmosphere of suspense and mystery, keeping the audience on edge.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, unexpected plot twists, and realistic character reactions that keep the audience invested in the unfolding events.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building suspense gradually, increasing the tension with each new development, and keeping the audience engaged from start to finish.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful thriller genre, building tension and suspense effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the use of atmospheric elements, such as the rain and the darkness, which create a sense of foreboding. However, the pacing could be improved by adding more internal conflict for Phillip as he investigates the noise outside. This would enhance the suspense and make the audience more invested in his fate.
  • Phillip's dialogue feels somewhat generic and lacks depth. His reactions to the empty coffee pod box and the coyote could be more nuanced to reflect his character's personality and emotional state. For instance, a more humorous or sarcastic remark could add layers to his character and make him more relatable.
  • The transition from Phillip's mundane task of getting coffee to the shocking discovery of Janet's body is abrupt. A more gradual build-up to the horror could enhance the impact of the reveal. Consider incorporating subtle hints or eerie sounds that foreshadow the impending danger.
  • The scene's climax, where Phillip is attacked, is visually striking but could benefit from more sensory details. Describing the sounds, smells, and feelings in the moment of the attack would immerse the audience further into the horror of the situation.
  • The dialogue is sparse, which can work in a suspenseful scene, but it may leave the audience wanting more character interaction. Adding a brief moment of reflection or a line of dialogue that reveals Phillip's thoughts or fears could deepen the emotional resonance of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding internal monologue or thoughts for Phillip as he investigates the noises outside. This could heighten the tension and provide insight into his character.
  • Enhance Phillip's dialogue to reflect his personality more distinctly. Use humor or sarcasm to make him more relatable and engaging.
  • Introduce subtle foreshadowing elements before the reveal of Janet's body, such as strange noises or an unsettling atmosphere, to build suspense gradually.
  • Incorporate more sensory details during the attack scene to create a more immersive experience for the audience, such as the sound of the knife slicing or the feeling of panic.
  • Include a moment of reflection or a line of dialogue that reveals Phillip's fears or concerns about the facility, which could add depth to his character and make the audience more invested in his fate.



Scene 24 -  Midnight Distress
INT. PATIENT BEDROOM 3, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Kitty gets out of bed, pulls something out from underneath
her pillow, and goes into the bathroom.


INT. PATIENT BATHROOM 3, CLIFF’S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Kitty sits down on the lidded toilet.

She reveals the fork she stole at dinner.

She takes a deep breath then digs it into the underside of
her forearm. It’s not quite sharp enough to break the skin.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 50.


She huffs, disappointed.


INT. PATIENT BATHROOM 3, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

On her way back to bed she peeks out the door into the
hallway but Phillip is not in his seat.

She looks back at Dakota who’s sleeping.


INT. HALLWAY, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

She takes a few steps into the hallway and looks around. Dead
silence and no Phillip.

KITTY
Phillip?

She peeks down the stairwell into the kitchen. All the lights
are off.

Kitty runs back to her room.


INT. PATIENT BEDROOM 3, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Kitty shakes Dakota awake.

DAKOTA
What the fuck?

KITTY
Phillip isn’t in the hallway.

DAKOTA
So what?

KITTY
All the lights are off.

DAKOTA
And so what?

KITTY
Well where is he?

DAKOTA
Maybe he’s taking a shit. Go back
to bed.

Kitty crawls back into bed.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 51.
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary In the dead of night, Kitty sneaks out of bed, troubled by Phillip's absence and contemplating self-harm with a stolen fork. After a failed attempt to hurt herself, she checks the hallway for Phillip but finds him missing. Concerned, she wakes Dakota to voice her worries, but Dakota dismisses her fears, suggesting Phillip is likely in the bathroom. Reluctantly, Kitty returns to bed, feeling unsupported and anxious.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Creating mystery
  • Revealing character fears and motivations
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue
  • Potential lack of clarity in Kitty's motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery, keeping the audience engaged with the characters' actions and the overall atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the characters' hidden actions and fears in a secluded facility adds depth to the story and creates intrigue.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through Kitty's secretive behavior, hinting at underlying conflicts and mysteries within the group of characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and unsettling situation, with Kitty resorting to self-harm as a coping mechanism. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's tension and emotional depth.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' actions and reactions in the scene reveal their individual fears and motivations, adding complexity to their personalities.

Character Changes: 6

Kitty's secretive behavior hints at potential character development and reveals her inner struggles.

Internal Goal: 8

Kitty's internal goal in this scene is to cope with her emotional distress and find a way to release her pent-up feelings. Her actions reflect her inner turmoil and the need for some form of release or escape.

External Goal: 7

Kitty's external goal is to find out the whereabouts of Phillip and ensure his safety. This goal reflects the immediate concern for the well-being of another character and the need to maintain a sense of security in a potentially dangerous environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict arises from Kitty's secretive behavior and the underlying tension within the group, creating a sense of unease and mystery.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and suspense, with Kitty's concerns clashing with Dakota's dismissive attitude, creating tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 6

The high stakes are implied through Kitty's secretive actions and the overall atmosphere of fear and unease at Cliff's Edge.

Story Forward: 7

The scene introduces new mysteries and tensions, moving the story forward and setting the stage for future revelations.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists and turns, such as Kitty's self-harming behavior and Phillip's disappearance, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' differing attitudes towards danger and responsibility. Dakota's dismissive attitude contrasts with Kitty's sense of urgency and concern for Phillip's well-being, highlighting the tension between self-preservation and empathy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and curiosity in the audience, drawing them into the characters' hidden actions and fears.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal but effective in conveying the tension and unease present in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it builds tension and suspense effectively, keeping the audience invested in the characters' actions and motivations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and character interactions that maintain the audience's interest and investment in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is consistent with the expected format for a dramatic screenplay, with clear scene headings and concise action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and coherent structure, moving seamlessly between different locations and characters while maintaining a sense of urgency and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by showcasing Kitty's anxiety about Phillip's absence, which is a natural reaction given the previous violent events. However, the stakes could be heightened further by incorporating more sensory details, such as the eerie silence of the hallway or the unsettling atmosphere of the darkened facility, to amplify the sense of dread.
  • Kitty's internal struggle is evident, but her motivations for self-harm could be explored more deeply. Providing a brief flashback or a thought process that leads her to use the fork could add emotional weight and help the audience empathize with her character.
  • The dialogue between Kitty and Dakota feels somewhat flat and lacks emotional depth. While Dakota's dismissive attitude serves to highlight Kitty's concern, it could be more impactful if Dakota expressed some level of concern or confusion, which would create a more dynamic interaction.
  • The pacing of the scene is effective in creating suspense, but it could benefit from a stronger climax. As Kitty returns to her room, the tension could be heightened by introducing a sudden noise or a visual cue that suggests danger, prompting a more urgent reaction from Kitty.
  • The transition between Kitty's self-harm and her concern for Phillip feels abrupt. A smoother connection between these two actions could enhance the narrative flow. For instance, Kitty could reflect on her feelings of isolation and fear, linking her self-harm to her anxiety about Phillip's absence.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere, such as describing the coldness of the bathroom or the oppressive silence of the hallway.
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue or flashback for Kitty that explains her motivations for self-harm, providing more context for her emotional state.
  • Revise the dialogue between Kitty and Dakota to include more emotional nuance, perhaps by having Dakota express confusion or concern, which would create a more engaging dynamic.
  • Introduce a sudden noise or visual cue as Kitty returns to her room to heighten the tension and create a stronger climax in the scene.
  • Create a smoother transition between Kitty's self-harm and her concern for Phillip by having her reflect on her feelings of isolation, linking her actions to her anxiety.



Scene 25 -  Echoes of Fear
INT. REC ROOM, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Phillips crawls out of the the office, leaving a trail of
blood.

A SHADOWY FIGURE stands over him.

He looks up to see the Figure wearing overalls and a plain
white MASK from the art group.

The Figure plunges the KNIFE into Phillip’s eye.


INT. PATIENT BEDROOM 3, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

A SCREAM echoes throughout the house.

Kitty and Dakota pop up in bed.

KITTY
What the fuck was that?

DAKOTA
Sounded like Phillip.

KITTY
I told you!


INT. HALLWAY, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Kitty follows Dakota cautiously out of their room. The other
kids come out their bedrooms except for Maddie.

JOHNNY
What was that?

CRYSTAL
I don’t know.

KITTY
Someone go down and check.

VINCE
Fuck that.

Maddie finally comes out of the bedroom.

DAKOTA
Did you not hear that?

MADDIE
Hear what, I was in the bathroom.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 52.


CRYSTAL
Someone just screamed. How did you
not hear that?

DAKOTA
Someone’s gotta go down and check.

JOHNNY
I’ll go.

Johnny heads down the stairs slowly.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary In the dead of night at Cliff's Edge, an injured Phillips crawls out of an office only to be brutally attacked by a shadowy figure in a white mask, resulting in a chilling scream that reverberates through the house. Kitty and Dakota, alarmed by the noise, rally other kids to investigate, while Maddie remains unaware in the bathroom. Johnny bravely steps forward to check on the source of the scream, as fear and confusion grip the group, setting the stage for potential danger.
Strengths
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Creating a dark and eerie atmosphere
  • Realistic character reactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and on edge with the unfolding events. The dark and mysterious tone adds depth to the story and creates a sense of fear and unease.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a violent and mysterious event occurring in the middle of the night at a residential facility adds an element of danger and intrigue to the story. The scene effectively conveys the sense of fear and uncertainty felt by the characters.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around the characters reacting to a violent incident that occurs in the middle of the night, adding a sense of urgency and danger to the story. The unfolding events keep the audience engaged and interested in the outcome.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a familiar horror trope, with unexpected twists and authentic character reactions.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters react realistically to the shocking events that unfold, showing fear, anxiety, and uncertainty. Each character's unique personality shines through in their responses to the situation, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters' reactions to the violent event reveal more about their personalities and motivations. The experience may lead to future character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to uncover the source of the scream and ensure the safety of the group. This reflects their need for control and protection in a dangerous situation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to investigate the scream and potentially confront the threat that caused it. This reflects the immediate challenge of facing a possible danger.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, as the characters react to a violent and mysterious event that threatens their safety and well-being. The tension and suspense escalate as the characters try to make sense of the situation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing a dangerous and unknown threat that adds to the suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters face a dangerous and potentially life-threatening situation. The violent incident raises the tension and suspense, keeping the audience on edge and invested in the outcome.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new and mysterious element that adds complexity to the plot. The characters' reactions to the violent incident drive the narrative forward and set the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist of the scream and the unknown threat lurking in the shadows.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the characters' fear and the need to take action. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about safety and risk-taking.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a high emotional impact, as the characters experience fear, anxiety, and shock in response to the violent incident that occurs. The audience is drawn into the characters' emotions and feels a sense of unease and uncertainty.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions and reactions to the mysterious event, adding to the tension and suspense. The interactions between the characters feel authentic and help drive the plot forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere and the mystery surrounding the scream, keeping the audience on edge.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually and keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a horror screenplay, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a horror genre, with a buildup of tension and suspense leading to a climactic moment.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and suspense by starting with Phillip's gruesome injury and the subsequent reaction of the other characters. However, the transition from Phillip's attack to the reactions of Kitty and Dakota could be smoother. The abrupt shift in focus might disorient the audience, so consider adding a brief moment of silence or a lingering shot on Phillip before cutting to the other characters.
  • The dialogue among the characters is realistic and captures their fear and confusion, but it could benefit from more distinct voices. Each character should have a unique way of expressing their fear or concern, which would help to differentiate them and make the scene more engaging.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the moment when Johnny volunteers to check on the noise feels rushed. This could be an opportunity to heighten the tension further by having the characters debate who should go, showcasing their fear and reluctance to confront the unknown.
  • The visual description of the shadowy figure is effective, but it could be enhanced by providing more sensory details. For example, describing the sound of Phillip's blood dripping or the eerie silence that follows the scream could amplify the horror of the moment.
  • The scene lacks a clear emotional arc for the characters. While they react to the immediate threat, there is little exploration of their internal fears or motivations. Adding a moment of reflection or a brief exchange that reveals their backstory or relationships could deepen the emotional impact.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of hesitation among the characters before Johnny decides to check on the noise. This could involve them debating the risks, which would heighten the tension and showcase their fear.
  • Enhance the dialogue by giving each character a distinct voice or catchphrase that reflects their personality. This will help the audience connect with them and make the scene more memorable.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to create a more immersive experience. Describe the sounds, smells, and sights in the environment to heighten the horror and tension.
  • Add a brief moment of reflection for the characters after the scream, allowing them to express their fears or concerns about Phillip. This could deepen the emotional stakes and make the audience more invested in their safety.
  • Consider using a visual motif, such as the white mask, to create a sense of foreboding throughout the scene. This could be referenced in earlier scenes to build anticipation for its appearance.



Scene 26 -  Midnight Terror at Cliff's Edge
INT. FOYER, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Johnny moves slowly past the staff office door into the rec
room.


INT. REC ROOM, CLIFF’S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Johnny tries to flip on the light but it doesn’t turn on.

JOHNNY
(calling out)
Lights are out.

MADDIE (O.S.)
What happened?

Johnny moves further into the room and trips.

He scrambles to his feet and gets a good look at Phillip,
limp on the floor with bloody stab wound through his eye.

JOHNNY
Fuck me!

DAKOTA (O.S.)
What is it?


INT. REC ROOM, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

The group stands around Phillip’s dead body.

DAKOTA
There’s blood leading out from
Janet’s door.

Johnny opens the door revealing Janet slumped over on her
desk.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 53.


VINCE
What the fuck is going on?

MADDIE
There’s a phone.

Maddie goes in and picks up the phone. The line is dead.

MADDIE (CONT’D)
It’s dead.

CRYSTAL
We have to get the fuck outta here.

VINCE
Where are we going to go? We’re in
the middle of nowhere.

CRYSTAL
I don’t know but we have to go,
walk somewhere.

DAKOTA
Phillip’s car is here we can take
that.

They all look at Phillip.

MADDIE
We need his keys.

CRYSTAL
Check his pockets.

Everyone looks at each other, waiting for someone to make a
move.

CRYSTAL (CONT’D)
Fine, I’ll do it.

Crystal kneels down beside Phillip and carefully slips her
hand into his right pocket.

He TWITCHES. They all SCREAM.

CRYSTAL (CONT’D)
Fuck!

They wait to see if he’ll twitch again, he doesn’t.

CRYSTAL (CONT’D)
Somebody else do it.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 54.


JOHNNY
Jesus christ, fine.

Johnny kneels down and checks Phillips’ front pockets,
nothing.

VINCE
What about his back pockets?

Johnny looks at Vince.

JOHNNY
You want to check?

Vince shakes his head.

JOHNNY (CONT’D)
Well at least help me flip him
over.

KITTY
You’re not suppose to move a dead
body.

JOHNNY
Thanks, Kitty. Vince, help me.

Vince kneels down and helps Johnny roll Phillip over. Johnny
checks the back pockets. Nothing.

JOHNNY (CONT’D)
No keys, no phone.

DAKOTA
Now what?

MADDIE
Maybe they’re in the office.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Horror"]

Summary In the dark rec room of Cliff's Edge, Johnny stumbles upon Phillip's lifeless body, revealing a gruesome stab wound in his eye. As the group gathers in shock, they notice a blood trail leading to Janet's office, where she is found slumped over her desk. Maddie's attempt to call for help fails when the phone line is dead, and Crystal urges the group to escape, but they need Phillip's car keys. Tension escalates as Johnny and Vince reluctantly search Phillip's pockets, only to find nothing, leaving the group in a state of fear and uncertainty about their next move.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Suspenseful pacing
  • Emotional depth in characters
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue
  • Lack of clarity in certain character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with suspense, mystery, and intense emotions. The shocking discoveries and the characters' reactions create a sense of urgency and fear, making it a compelling and impactful moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of uncovering two murders in the middle of the night at a secluded facility adds a layer of mystery and danger to the story. The scene effectively conveys the sense of fear and urgency the characters are experiencing.

Plot: 9

The plot thickens with the discovery of the murders, raising the stakes for the characters and pushing the story into a darker and more intense direction. The scene propels the narrative forward and sets the stage for further developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the survival thriller genre by focusing on moral dilemmas and interpersonal conflicts in a life-threatening situation. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions to the shocking events reveal their fears, vulnerabilities, and motivations, adding depth to their personalities. Their interactions and decisions in this scene contribute to the escalating tension and suspense.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo a shift in their perceptions and behaviors as they confront the murders and the danger they are in. Their reactions and decisions in this scene reveal new facets of their personalities and set the stage for further character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Johnny's internal goal is to survive and protect the group from the unknown threat. This reflects his deeper need for safety and security.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find a way to escape the dangerous situation they are in. This reflects the immediate challenge of survival.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving the discovery of two murders, the characters' fear and uncertainty, and the high stakes of their situation. The escalating tension and suspense create a sense of imminent danger and keep the audience engaged.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing difficult choices and conflicting beliefs that add to the suspense and uncertainty. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the characters will overcome the obstacles.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are extremely high in this scene, as the characters are faced with the gruesome murders, the realization of their vulnerability, and the urgent need to find a way out of the dangerous situation. The threat of danger and the unknown heighten the tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, raising the stakes, and deepening the mystery surrounding the murders. It propels the narrative into a darker and more intense direction, setting up future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns, such as the dead body twitching and the characters' conflicting reactions. The audience is left unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the characters' differing beliefs on how to handle the crisis. Some want to leave immediately, while others are hesitant to disturb the dead body. This challenges the protagonist's values of morality and survival.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, anxiety, and tension in both the characters and the audience. The shocking revelations and the characters' raw emotions make it a powerful and memorable moment in the story.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and sense of urgency in the face of danger. It adds to the suspense and mystery of the scene, driving the narrative forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, suspenseful atmosphere, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a good balance of action, dialogue, and visual descriptions. The rhythm keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions are vivid and help set the tone.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful thriller, with a clear setup, rising tension, and a cliffhanger ending. The pacing and formatting enhance the suspenseful atmosphere.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and horror by revealing the aftermath of Phillip's murder. The use of darkness and the characters' reactions to the shocking discovery create a palpable sense of fear and urgency.
  • The dialogue is realistic and captures the panic and confusion of the characters. Lines like 'What the fuck is going on?' and 'We have to get the fuck outta here' convey the gravity of the situation and the characters' emotional states.
  • The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with the gradual reveal of Phillip's body and the subsequent reactions from the group. This helps maintain suspense and keeps the audience engaged.
  • However, the scene could benefit from more character differentiation in dialogue. The characters' voices feel somewhat similar, which can make it difficult for the audience to connect with them individually. Adding unique traits or speech patterns could enhance their individuality.
  • The moment when Crystal checks Phillip's pockets is a strong moment of tension, but the twitching could be more impactful if foreshadowed earlier in the scene. Perhaps a subtle hint of movement or sound could build anticipation before the reveal.
  • The scene lacks a clear emotional anchor. While the horror is palpable, the characters' emotional responses could be deepened. For instance, showing a moment of hesitation or grief before they start searching Phillip's pockets could add depth to their reactions.
Suggestions
  • Consider giving each character a distinct voice or mannerism to enhance their individuality and make their reactions more memorable.
  • Add a moment of silence or a shared look among the characters before they react to Phillip's body. This could heighten the emotional impact of the discovery.
  • Incorporate sensory details to enhance the atmosphere. Describing the smell of blood, the coldness of the room, or the sound of their breathing could immerse the audience further into the scene.
  • Foreshadow Phillip's twitching by including subtle hints earlier in the scene, such as a slight movement or a sound that suggests he might still be alive, to increase the shock value when it happens.
  • Explore the characters' emotional states more deeply. Allow them to express fear, anger, or sadness in a way that feels authentic and relatable, which can help the audience connect with them on a deeper level.



Scene 27 -  Shattered Night
INT. FOYER, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Johnny shoulders the door but it doesn’t budge. He tries a
few more times.

JOHNNY
Let me see if I can climb through
the window outside.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 55.


EXT. DRIVEWAY, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Johnny leads the group outside through the rain. There’s an
array of dense bushes blocking the window which is a few feet
high.

Johnny climbs into the bushes and falls.

He lands face to face with LYLE - dead-eyed and bloody.

Johnny SCREAMS and scrambles away.

JOHNNY
Fuck no!

CRYSTAL (O.S.)
What, what is it?

He bumps into something and spins around to find JASMINE,
stabbed multiple times with her face in the dirt.

CRYSTAL (CONT’D)
Johnny?

He SCREAMS and climbs out of the bushes back to the group.

MADDIE
What’d you see?

JOHNNY
Lyle and Jasmine.

VINCE
What?!

JOHNNY
They’re fucking dead.

DAKOTA
Shit.

MADDIE
Oh my fucking god.

Kitty starts hyperventilating. Crystal rushes to her side.

CRYSTAL
(calming)
You’re going to be fine. Just
having a panic attack. Okay?

JOHNNY
Just relax Kitty!
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 56.


CRYSTAL
Leave her alone, okay?
(to Kitty)
Keep breathing. Let’s walk.
(to the group)
She needs her med. We gotta get in
there.

She takes Kitty away from the group.

Johnny looks at the bushes and huffs.

JOHNNY
Fine.

Johnny climbs back into the bushes, the dead bodies.

He reaches for the windowsill.

He pulls himself up with ease and finds some footing on a
sturdy branch.

He tries to budge the window open but it’s locked.

DAKOTA
Break it.

Johnny looks down at Dakota.

JOHNNY
Want to get me a rock?

Dakota ventures off to find a rock.

VINCE
I don’t think we should destroy
property.

CRYSTAL
Someone’s dead dude.

Dakota’s retrieved a rock and climbs into the bushes. She
reaches up to hand Johnny the rock.

He winds up and smashes the window - it shatters everywhere.
Genres: ["Thriller","Horror","Mystery"]

Summary In the dead of night at Cliff's Edge, Johnny attempts to enter a locked house through a window after discovering the dead bodies of Lyle and Jasmine hidden in the bushes, causing him to scream in panic. Meanwhile, Crystal tries to soothe Kitty, who is overwhelmed by a panic attack. As the group grapples with the shocking revelation, Johnny decides to break the window with Dakota's help, leading to a tense moment as they focus on getting inside to find assistance.
Strengths
  • Building suspense and tension
  • Effective portrayal of fear and shock
  • High emotional impact
  • Intense conflict
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Character changes could be further developed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds suspense, fear, and tension through the discovery of the dead bodies and the characters' reactions to the escalating danger. The shocking events and the life-threatening situation keep the audience engaged and on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a group of characters discovering multiple dead bodies and facing a life-threatening situation in the middle of the night is executed well. The scene effectively conveys a sense of fear, suspense, and danger, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around the characters' discovery of the dead bodies, their attempts to navigate the dangerous situation, and their reactions to the escalating danger. The plot is intense, suspenseful, and keeps the audience engaged.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the typical horror genre by focusing on the characters' reactions and moral dilemmas in a life-threatening situation. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions to the shocking events and the life-threatening situation are well-portrayed. Each character's fear, anxiety, and shock are palpable, adding depth to the scene and enhancing the overall sense of danger and suspense.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo a change as they are forced to confront the shocking events and the life-threatening situation. Their fear, anxiety, and shock lead to a shift in their behavior and reactions, adding depth to their characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Johnny's internal goal is to overcome his fear and shock at discovering the dead bodies. It reflects his deeper need for survival and his desire to protect his friends.

External Goal: 7

Johnny's external goal is to find a way into the building to get help for Kitty who is having a panic attack. It reflects the immediate challenge of accessing the necessary medication for Kitty's condition.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, as the characters are faced with multiple dead bodies, a life-threatening situation, and the need to navigate the danger to survive. The escalating danger and the characters' reactions create intense conflict and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing obstacles and moral dilemmas that add complexity to the situation.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, as the characters are faced with multiple dead bodies, a life-threatening situation, and the need to navigate the danger to survive. The escalating danger and the characters' reactions raise the stakes, creating a sense of fear and urgency.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a life-threatening situation, escalating the danger, and forcing the characters to confront the shocking events. The discovery of the dead bodies and the characters' reactions propel the narrative forward, creating suspense and tension.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected discovery of the dead bodies and the characters' reactions to the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict is evident in the characters' differing views on property destruction in the face of a life-threatening situation. It challenges their beliefs about morality and survival instincts.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact due to the shocking events, the characters' fear and anxiety, and the life-threatening situation they face. The audience is likely to feel fear, tension, and unease, making the scene memorable and impactful.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' fear, anxiety, and shock in response to the escalating danger. The dialogue enhances the tension and suspense of the scene, keeping the audience engaged.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and suspenseful atmosphere, the high stakes for the characters, and the fast-paced action.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and tense, keeping the audience on edge and driving the action forward effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for a screenplay, making it easy to visualize the action and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful horror genre, building tension and conflict effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and horror by revealing the dead bodies of Lyle and Jasmine, which heightens the stakes for the characters. However, the transition from Johnny's initial attempt to enter the house to the discovery of the bodies could be smoother. The abrupt shift from action to horror may disorient the audience.
  • The dialogue captures the shock and urgency of the moment, particularly Johnny's frantic responses. However, some lines feel a bit on-the-nose, such as 'They’re fucking dead.' This could be more impactful if conveyed through actions or more subtle dialogue that reflects their shock without explicitly stating it.
  • Kitty's panic attack is a strong emotional beat, but the scene could benefit from more visual and auditory cues to convey her distress. Instead of just stating she is hyperventilating, consider showing her physical symptoms more vividly, which would enhance the tension and empathy from the audience.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but it could be tightened in places. For instance, the moment where Johnny climbs back into the bushes could be more concise to maintain the urgency. The focus should remain on the immediate danger rather than lingering on his actions.
  • The group dynamics are well-established, with Crystal taking charge to help Kitty. However, it might be beneficial to explore more of the group's emotional responses to the discovery of the bodies. This could deepen character development and make the audience more invested in their fates.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of silence or a shared look among the group before Johnny reveals what he saw. This could build suspense and allow the audience to feel the weight of the moment before the horror is revealed.
  • Instead of having Johnny explicitly state that Lyle and Jasmine are dead, show his reaction through his body language and facial expressions. This can create a more visceral experience for the audience.
  • Enhance Kitty's panic attack by incorporating more sensory details, such as her vision blurring or sounds becoming muffled, to immerse the audience in her experience.
  • Streamline Johnny's actions when he climbs back into the bushes. Focus on the urgency of the situation rather than detailing every movement, which can slow down the pacing.
  • Explore the emotional fallout of the discovery more deeply. Allow characters to express their fear, anger, or grief in a way that feels authentic and relatable, which can create a stronger connection with the audience.



Scene 28 -  Tensions in the Staff Office
INT. STAFF OFFICE, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Johnny reaches in and unlocks the window. He opens it and
climbs in.

He crunches through broken glass toward the door and let’s
the others inside.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 57.


Everyone searches for the keys while Crystal goes for the
phone. No dial tone.

CRYSTAL
This one’s dead too.

DAKOTA
Our cellphones are in there.

Dakota motions to the black metallic cabinet.

MADDIE
Johnny, you want to give it a try?

Johnny jiggles the handle. It’s locked but loose.

He gets a good grip on the handle and jerks it up and out.
The handle flies off.

He sticks his fingers into the cabinet and jiggles the lock
mechanism until it opens.

DAKOTA
Our drugs are in there too.

CRYSTAL
Can we focus?

Johnny rummages around but there’s no cellphones.

JOHNNY
Someone took all the cellphones.

They all look at each other. Maddie puts her attention on
Crystal.

MADDIE
You know everything was fine until
you showed up.

CRYSTAL
The fuck’s that suppose to mean?

MADDIE
I’m just saying, nobody died until
you got her.

VINCE
Shut up, Maddie.

MADDIE
Maybe she killed her own spider. We
don’t know!
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 58.


CRYSTAL
Fuck you! Of course I didn’t.
(beat)
Fuck, I never should have come
here!

KITTY
I don’t think you did it.

CRYSTAL
Thanks.

VINCE
None of us do.

MADDIE
Speak for yourselves. I’m not
sticking around to find out.

Maddie heads for the door.

DAKOTA
Where are you going?

MADDIE
I don’t know, but I’m going to
start walking. Anyone want to come?
(beat)
Besides Crystal.

JOHNNY
I’ll come. I think everyone should.

DAKOTA
I’m coming.

VINCE
Me too.

KITTY
Same.

CRYSTAL
Well, I’m not fucking staying here
alone.

MADDIE
Fine, but stay away from me.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In the staff office of Cliff's Edge, Johnny breaks in to retrieve the group's missing cellphones and keys, only to find their phones dead and locked away. As tensions rise, Maddie accuses Crystal of causing their troubles, leading to a heated exchange. Despite the conflict, the group decides to leave together, though distrust lingers between Maddie and Crystal.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Revealing secrets
  • Confronting suspicions
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Character interactions could be further developed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue, keeping the audience engaged with its mysterious and dramatic elements.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of uncovering secrets and confronting suspicions within a group setting is compelling and drives the narrative forward.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens as the characters search for clues and confront each other, adding layers of complexity to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its fresh approach to character dynamics and conflict resolution. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative, making it stand out from conventional storytelling.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' conflicting emotions and suspicions add depth to the scene, but some interactions could be further developed to enhance character dynamics.

Character Changes: 7

Some characters show signs of change as they confront suspicions and high stakes, but further development could enhance the impact of character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove their innocence and gain the trust of the other characters. This reflects their deeper need for acceptance and validation, as well as their fear of being falsely accused or abandoned.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find their missing cellphones and drugs, which are essential for their survival and communication with the outside world. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they're facing in a dangerous and uncertain situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts as the characters confront suspicions, accusations, and high stakes.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs, values, and relationships. The audience is kept on edge by the uncertainty of how these conflicts will be resolved.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of uncovering secrets, confronting suspicions, and dealing with potential danger heighten the tension and urgency of the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing new information, escalating conflicts, and setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' shifting allegiances, unexpected revelations, and unresolved conflicts that keep the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between trust and suspicion, as the characters accuse each other of wrongdoing and struggle to maintain unity in the face of adversity. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the inherent goodness of others and tests their ability to navigate complex interpersonal dynamics.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, frustration, and tension, keeping the audience emotionally engaged with the characters' struggles and suspicions.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys tension and suspicion among the characters, but some exchanges could be more nuanced to enhance character development.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflicts, suspenseful plot developments, and dynamic character interactions that keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension, with well-timed reveals and character interactions that propel the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue that enhance readability and visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear progression of events and character interactions that build tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and urgency as the characters search for their missing cellphones and keys, which is crucial given the context of their dire situation. However, the dialogue can feel a bit on-the-nose, particularly Maddie's accusation towards Crystal. This could be more subtle to enhance the tension without overtly placing blame.
  • The character dynamics are interesting, especially the conflict between Maddie and Crystal. However, the dialogue lacks nuance and can come off as somewhat clichéd. For instance, Maddie's line about Crystal's arrival correlating with the chaos feels like a common trope. It would be more impactful if the dialogue revealed deeper motivations or insecurities.
  • The pacing of the scene is somewhat uneven. The initial urgency of breaking in and searching for keys is strong, but the dialogue-heavy moments slow down the momentum. Consider interspersing more action or physical reactions to maintain a sense of urgency.
  • The emotional stakes could be heightened. While there is tension, the characters' fear and desperation could be more vividly expressed through their actions and reactions. For example, instead of just searching for keys, they could be frantically looking around, checking corners, or expressing their fears about what might happen next.
  • The scene ends with a clear decision to leave together, which is good for character development, but it could benefit from a stronger emotional beat. Perhaps a moment of realization or a shared look of fear could solidify their bond and the gravity of their situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising Maddie's dialogue to be less accusatory and more reflective of her own fears or insecurities. This could create a more complex character dynamic.
  • Add more physical actions to the dialogue to keep the pacing brisk. For example, while characters are talking, they could be looking around nervously or checking the windows and doors.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere. Describe the sounds of the night, the feeling of the broken glass, or the oppressive silence that follows their discovery.
  • Introduce a moment of vulnerability among the characters, perhaps through a shared memory or fear, to deepen their connection and heighten the emotional stakes.
  • End the scene with a more dramatic moment, such as a sudden noise or a shadow passing by, to leave the audience on edge and eager to see what happens next.



Scene 29 -  Into the Woods: A Divided Escape
EXT. DRIVEWAY, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

The kids, now in sweatshirts, make their way down the
driveway toward the gate. Johnny has a flashlight.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 59.


Johnny tries to pull the gate open but it won’t budge.

JOHNNY
Got to hop it. Dakota you first.

Johnny hoists Dakota up and over the gate.

JOHNNY (CONT’D)
Who’s next?

Maddie steps up and Johnny hoists her over. Then Kitty. Then
Crystal. Then Vince.

Johnny backs away to give himself a running start. He runs,
jumps, and gracefully pulls himself up and over.

They make their way down the long driveway.

Horrific CACKLING echoes all around them - sounds like
multiple jokers laughing maniacally.

CRYSTAL
What is that?

JOHNNY
Coyotes. They’re probably about to
eat something.

CRYSTAL
There’s coyotes out here? Will they
hurt humans?

JOHNNY
Probably.

MADDIE
What do you prefer? Maniac with a
knife or coyotes?

KITTY
Coyotes.

VINCE
Yeah, coyotes.

In agreement, they make their way further down the winding
driveway.

In the distance, they spot two glowing eyes staring at them.

Johnny puts his arms out to stop everyone from walking.

JOHNNY
Yeah, that’s a fucking coyote.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 60.


DAKOTA
Chase it away.

JOHNNY
You!

The coyote takes a few steps toward the group, they retreat.

MADDIE
I’m not going back to the house.

CRYSTAL
I’m not fighting a coyote.

Maddie moves to cut through the forest.

JOHNNY
Where are you going?

MADDIE
Finding a different route.

JOHNNY
I’m coming.

He looks to the rest of the group. Vince eyes the dark forest
and then the coyote who takes another step forward.

VINCE
I’d rather go back to the house.
Morning staff will be here in like
2 hours.

MADDIE
We won’t make it 2 hours.

KITTY
I’m with Vince.

DAKOTA
Me too.

Crystal looks at Maddie who’s glaring at her then back to
Kitty and Vince.

CRYSTAL
I’ll go back with you guys.

JOHNNY
Suit yourselves.

Johnny and Maddie disappear into the forest.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 61.


The remaining group look at the coyote who takes another step
forward.

CRYSTAL
Let’s go.

They get to the gate and Vince steps up to help hoist.
Genres: ["Thriller","Horror","Drama"]

Summary In the dead of night, a group of kids, dressed in sweatshirts, attempts to escape through a gate that won't open. Johnny helps them over, but their plans are interrupted by eerie cackling from coyotes. Tension escalates when they spot a coyote with glowing eyes, leading to a disagreement on how to proceed. While Maddie decides to cut through the forest to avoid the coyote, Johnny follows her, and the others, including Dakota, Crystal, Kitty, and Vince, choose to return to the safety of the house. The scene captures the fear and urgency of their predicament as the group splits in two.
Strengths
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Creating a sense of danger and urgency
  • Revealing character motivations through actions and decisions
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more impactful and memorable
  • Character development could be more pronounced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged with the characters' perilous situation and the looming threat of the coyotes. The dark and anxious tone adds depth to the scene, creating a sense of unease and fear.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the characters trying to escape a dangerous environment while facing a menacing threat is well-executed, adding layers of suspense and danger to the narrative. The introduction of the coyotes as a physical danger enhances the stakes and urgency of the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the characters make a daring escape attempt, facing obstacles and making crucial decisions along the way. The introduction of the coyotes adds a new layer of conflict and danger to the story, raising the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on a familiar situation of characters facing a dangerous obstacle. The dialogue feels authentic and the actions of the characters are believable.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' reactions and decisions in the face of danger reveal their personalities and motivations, adding depth to the scene. Each character's choice to stay or leave contributes to the tension and conflict within the group.

Character Changes: 6

While the characters' decisions and actions reveal aspects of their personalities, there is room for more significant character development and growth in the face of danger. The scene sets the stage for potential changes and transformations in the characters as they navigate the dangerous environment.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect and guide the group of kids through the dangerous situation. This reflects their deeper need for leadership and responsibility.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to safely navigate the group through the driveway and away from the coyotes. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing physical danger from the coyotes and internal conflict as they make decisions about how to proceed. The tension and suspense are heightened by the looming threat and the characters' conflicting motivations.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the threat of the coyotes and the characters' conflicting decisions creating tension and conflict.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters face physical danger from the coyotes and must make life-or-death decisions to ensure their survival. The sense of urgency and peril adds intensity to the narrative, keeping the audience on edge.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a new threat and raising the stakes for the characters. The decision to escape the dangerous environment propels the narrative toward a new phase of tension and conflict, setting the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because the characters' choices and the presence of the coyotes create a sense of uncertainty and danger.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between facing the unknown dangers of the forest and the known danger of the coyotes. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about risk-taking and safety.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, tension, and unease in the audience, as they are drawn into the characters' perilous situation and the looming threat of the coyotes. The characters' emotional responses add depth to the scene, enhancing the overall impact.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue serves to convey the characters' fear, tension, and conflicting opinions about how to handle the situation with the coyotes. While it effectively moves the scene forward, there is room for more impactful and memorable lines to enhance the emotional impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it keeps the audience on edge with the threat of the coyotes and the characters' decisions in the face of danger.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and suspense throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear action lines and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful action sequence, building tension and conflict effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the use of sound, particularly the eerie cackling of the coyotes, which serves to heighten the sense of danger and uncertainty. However, the dialogue could be more impactful if it included more emotional stakes or personal fears from the characters, rather than just practical concerns about the coyotes and the maniac.
  • The character dynamics are interesting, particularly the differing opinions on how to handle the coyote situation. However, the dialogue feels somewhat generic and could benefit from more distinct voices for each character. For instance, each character could express their fears or motivations in a way that reflects their individual backgrounds and personalities.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one feels abrupt. It might help to include a brief moment of reflection or dialogue that connects the characters' recent traumatic experiences to their current predicament, enhancing the emotional weight of their escape.
  • The decision-making process among the group is clear, but it could be more dramatic. For example, showing more internal conflict or hesitation among the characters could add depth to their choices, especially when deciding whether to confront the coyote or retreat.
  • The visual description of the scene is effective, particularly the glowing eyes of the coyote, which creates a vivid image. However, the action of jumping over the gate could be described with more detail to emphasize the physicality of the moment and the urgency of their escape.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line or two that reflects the characters' emotional states as they escape, perhaps referencing their fear or trauma from the previous events.
  • Enhance the dialogue by giving each character a unique voice or perspective, allowing them to express their fears or motivations more distinctly.
  • Include a moment of reflection or a brief flashback to recent traumatic events to deepen the emotional stakes of their current situation.
  • Introduce more internal conflict among the characters when deciding how to handle the coyote, perhaps by showing some hesitation or fear that leads to a more dramatic decision-making process.
  • Expand on the physical actions of the characters, particularly when they jump over the gate, to create a more dynamic and engaging visual experience.



Scene 30 -  Tension and Temptation
INT. REC ROOM, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Dakota, Kitty, Vince, and Crystal sit on the couches on high
alert with knives in their hands - they glance between one
another.


EXT. FOREST - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Johnny and Maddie navigate the dense brush. It’s quiet for a
long moment until Maddie stops.

MADDIE
You know-

JOHNNY
What?

MADDIE
We’re finally alone.

JOHNNY
Are you serious?

Maddie looks around.

MADDIE
I mean, why not?

JOHNNY
You really are crazy.

MADDIE
No shit. Come on, I bet you’ll be
quick.

JOHNNY
Fuck you.

MADDIE
Bet you haven’t even jerked off
since you got here.

JOHNNY
Not with fucking Vince around.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 62.


Maddie gets close and kisses him. He pulls away.

MADDIE
Fuck me. Up against that tree.

JOHNNY
Now’s really not the time.

MADDIE
Ooooh, it makes sense.

JOHNNY
What?

MADDIE
That’s why you’re so mean to Vince.

JOHNNY
What’re you talking about?

MADDIE
You’re a little gay boy.

JOHNNY
Am not!

MADDIE
It’s okay. I’m bi. Are you bi?

JOHNNY
I’m not fucking gay.

Johnny kisses her aggressively - he gets riled up and pushes
her against the tree. They make out furiously.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Romance"]

Summary In the rec room at Cliff's Edge, Dakota, Kitty, Vince, and Crystal are on high alert, armed with knives, reflecting a tense atmosphere. Meanwhile, in the forest, Johnny and Maddie share an intimate moment, where Maddie's flirtation pushes Johnny's boundaries, leading to a passionate kiss despite his initial reluctance. The scene contrasts the group's vigilance with the couple's heated connection, culminating in a fervent make-out session that signifies a shift in their relationship amidst the surrounding danger.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Revealing character dynamics
  • Exploration of sexuality and intimacy
Weaknesses
  • Potential for controversy due to sensitive themes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends tension, sensuality, and darkness to create a compelling and intense atmosphere, with characters revealing intimate details about themselves in a high-stakes situation.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of characters exploring their sexuality and intimate desires amidst a dangerous situation adds depth and complexity to the scene, enhancing the overall narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as characters navigate the forest and make surprising revelations about themselves, adding layers to their relationships and personal dynamics.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of desire and danger, with characters navigating both physical and emotional obstacles. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters display depth and complexity as they reveal intimate details about themselves, showcasing their vulnerabilities, desires, and conflicts in a high-stakes situation.

Character Changes: 7

Characters undergo personal revelations and explore intimate desires, leading to potential changes in their relationships and dynamics as they confront their vulnerabilities and passions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to give in to their hidden desires and impulses, despite the dangerous circumstances they are in. This reflects their deeper need for intimacy and connection, as well as their fear of being vulnerable.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to navigate the dense brush and potentially find safety or a way out of the dangerous situation they are in. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in the forest at night.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high as characters navigate a dangerous situation while also confronting intimate desires and revelations, leading to tension, passion, and aggression in their interactions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external obstacles that challenge their beliefs and desires. The audience is kept on edge by the characters' conflicting motivations and actions.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as characters navigate a dangerous situation while also confronting intimate desires and revelations, leading to tension, passion, and aggression in their interactions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing intimate details about the characters, advancing their relationships and personal dynamics amidst a dangerous situation, adding depth to the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting desires and the unexpected turn of events. The audience is left unsure of how the characters will act or what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between giving in to desire and maintaining control in a dangerous situation. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about self-control and the consequences of indulging in impulses.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions as characters reveal intimate details about themselves and navigate a dangerous situation, creating a sense of tension, passion, and vulnerability.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense, passionate, and revealing, capturing the characters' emotions and desires as they navigate the dangerous and intimate moments in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension and sensuality between the characters, as well as the danger and suspense of their situation. The dialogue and actions keep the audience on edge and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense gradually, leading to a climactic moment of conflict and resolution. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the emotional impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the atmosphere of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear progression of events and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene juxtaposes two different settings and emotional tones, which can create a dissonance for the audience. The tension in the rec room with Dakota, Kitty, Vince, and Crystal is palpable, but it contrasts sharply with the flirtatious and somewhat comedic interaction between Johnny and Maddie in the forest. This shift may confuse viewers about the overall tone of the film at this moment.
  • The dialogue between Johnny and Maddie feels somewhat forced and relies heavily on clichés about teenage sexuality. While it is important to portray the characters' youth and impulsiveness, the dialogue could benefit from more authenticity and depth. The banter lacks a unique voice that distinguishes these characters from typical teen archetypes.
  • Maddie's aggressive advances towards Johnny could be interpreted as problematic, especially in the context of the film's overall themes of trauma and survival. It may be worth considering how this interaction aligns with the characters' emotional states and the gravity of their situation. The scene risks trivializing their circumstances by focusing on sexual tension in a moment of crisis.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. The tension in the rec room is built up but then abruptly shifts to a more lighthearted and intimate moment in the forest. This transition could be smoother, perhaps by incorporating a sense of urgency or danger that permeates both settings, maintaining a consistent emotional thread throughout.
  • The physical actions of the characters, particularly the kissing and pushing against the tree, could be described with more specificity to enhance the visual storytelling. Instead of simply stating they kiss aggressively, consider detailing their body language and the environment to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider maintaining a consistent tone throughout the scene by either heightening the tension in the forest or grounding the rec room's tension with more emotional stakes. This could involve having Johnny and Maddie acknowledge the danger they are in, even while they flirt.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it feel more natural and reflective of the characters' unique personalities. Avoid clichés and instead focus on what makes Johnny and Maddie's relationship distinct, perhaps by incorporating shared experiences or inside jokes.
  • Reassess the portrayal of Maddie's advances towards Johnny. Ensure that their interaction feels consensual and respectful, especially in the context of the film's themes. This could involve giving Johnny more agency in the interaction or having him express discomfort with the situation.
  • To improve pacing, consider intercutting between the rec room and the forest more frequently, allowing the tension in one location to influence the other. This could create a sense of urgency and heighten the stakes for both groups of characters.
  • Enhance the physicality of the scene by incorporating more sensory details. Describe the sounds of the forest, the feel of the tree bark, and the characters' breathing to create a more vivid and engaging atmosphere.



Scene 31 -  Echoes of Grief
INT. REC ROOM, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

The rest of the group sit in silence. Crystal can’t take her
eyes off Dakota.

CRYSTAL
Dakota-

DAKOTA
Yeah?

CRYSTAL
You remind me so much of my sister.
It’s crazy.

DAKOTA
Oh really? She cool?
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 63.


CRYSTAL
Yeah, she’s the coolest.

Dakota smiles.

DAKOTA
Older?

CRYSTAL
No, we’re twins.

DAKOTA
But you and me are nothing alike.

CRYSTAL
Neither are me and my sister.

DAKOTA
Got pictures?


INT. PATIENT BEDROOM 1, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Crystal and Dakota sit on the bed. Crystal flips through
photos of her and her sister.

CRYSTAL
Her name’s Mackenzie.

DAKOTA
You two are cute. Wish I had a
sister.

CRYSTAL
Brother?

DAKOTA
Nope. Just me and my awful fucking
parents.

CRYSTAL
Me too now.

DAKOTA
What do you mean?

CRYSTAL
Mackenzie died a few months ago.

DAKOTA
Oh my god. Fuck. I’m so sorry,
that’s-
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 64.


CRYSTAL
It was my fault. I was driving.

DAKOTA
It was an accident, it’s not your
fault.

CRYSTAL
It was my fault. And my mom hates
me.

DAKOTA
She’s grieving.

CRYSTAL
She wishes it was me instead.

DAKOTA
Don’t say that.

CRYSTAL
I appreciate you trying but you
don’t know anything about me. This
is why I don’t tell anyone shit.
These therapists can’t help me. My
other therapist didn’t help me. I
killed my fucking sister and have
to live with that for the rest of
my fucking life. And my mother will
remind me of it until she’s six
feet under. And no one has any
fucking clue what to say to me to
make me feel better.

Dakota just stares blankly, completely at a loss.
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary In the rec room at Cliff's Edge, Crystal confides in Dakota about her deceased twin sister, Mackenzie, revealing her feelings of guilt over Mackenzie's car accident. Their heartfelt conversation delves into themes of grief and strained familial relationships, as Dakota listens empathetically, struggling to comfort Crystal amidst the heavy emotional weight. The scene captures Crystal's turmoil through her memories and photos of her sister, ultimately leaving Dakota at a loss for words as they confront the depths of loss together.
Strengths
  • Raw and emotional dialogue
  • Deep exploration of character emotions
  • Intense and impactful storytelling
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be too heavy for some audiences
  • Lack of resolution for some character conflicts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is powerful and emotionally charged, drawing the audience in with its raw and intense portrayal of pain and guilt. The dialogue is impactful and the character dynamics are compelling.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring deep emotional wounds and guilt is effectively portrayed in this scene. The raw and honest dialogue adds depth to the characters and enhances the overall emotional impact of the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as Crystal opens up about her past and the group dynamics shift in response to her revelation. The tension and emotional stakes are heightened, setting the stage for further developments.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh and poignant exploration of guilt and grief, with authentic character interactions and emotional depth. The dialogue feels genuine and impactful, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotional struggles are portrayed with authenticity. Crystal's vulnerability and Dakota's empathy create a poignant interaction that adds depth to their relationship.

Character Changes: 8

Crystal undergoes a significant emotional transformation in this scene as she opens up about her past and confronts her guilt. The revelation of her inner turmoil and pain marks a pivotal moment in her character arc.

Internal Goal: 9

Crystal's internal goal is to come to terms with her guilt and grief over her sister's death. This reflects her deeper need for forgiveness and self-acceptance.

External Goal: 8

Crystal's external goal is to find solace and understanding in her interactions with Dakota. This reflects the immediate challenge of coping with her past actions and her strained relationship with her mother.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Crystal grapples with her guilt and the pain of her past actions. The emotional tension between the characters adds depth to the scene and drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Crystal facing internal and external challenges that test her emotional resilience. Dakota's attempts to comfort her create a sense of uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene as Crystal confronts her guilt and pain, revealing deep emotional wounds that have a profound impact on her and the group dynamics. The characters' emotional struggles add tension and complexity to the narrative.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the emotional stakes and revealing crucial aspects of the characters' pasts. Crystal's confession and the group dynamics shift set the stage for further developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional revelations and the characters' complex interactions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conversation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around guilt, forgiveness, and self-blame. Crystal struggles with accepting her role in her sister's death and her mother's resentment, while Dakota tries to offer comfort and understanding.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, empathy, and anguish in the audience. Crystal's emotional outpouring and vulnerability resonate deeply, creating a powerful and memorable moment.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is raw, emotional, and impactful, effectively conveying the characters' inner turmoil and conflicts. The exchange between Crystal and Dakota is particularly powerful and reveals layers of emotion.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional content and the characters' compelling struggles. The raw and honest dialogue draws the audience in, creating a powerful connection.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional intensity, allowing the characters' emotions to unfold naturally. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character interactions. The formatting enhances the emotional impact of the dialogue and actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural progression of emotional intensity, building tension and revealing character depth effectively. The dialogue and actions flow smoothly, contributing to the scene's impact.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a moment of vulnerability between Crystal and Dakota, allowing for character development and emotional depth. However, the transition from the previous scene, which is charged with physical intimacy and tension, to this moment of introspection feels abrupt. The emotional stakes could be heightened by incorporating a more gradual transition that reflects the aftermath of the previous scene's intensity.
  • Crystal's dialogue about her sister Mackenzie is powerful and raw, but it could benefit from more subtlety. The line 'It was my fault. I was driving.' is impactful, yet it might be more effective if it were delivered with a mix of anger and sorrow, allowing the audience to feel the weight of her guilt without it being so overtly stated. This would create a more nuanced portrayal of her emotional state.
  • Dakota's responses are supportive, but they could be more layered. Instead of simply stating 'It was an accident, it’s not your fault,' Dakota could share a personal anecdote or a moment of her own grief, which would create a deeper connection between the two characters and make Dakota's character feel more fleshed out.
  • The pacing of the scene feels slightly rushed, especially in the transition from the initial conversation about their similarities to the heavy topic of Mackenzie's death. Slowing down the dialogue and allowing for pauses could enhance the emotional impact and give the audience time to absorb the gravity of Crystal's confession.
  • The visual setting of the scene could be more evocative. Describing the room's atmosphere—perhaps dim lighting or the presence of personal items that reflect Crystal's past—could enhance the emotional weight of the conversation and create a more immersive experience for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of silence or a physical action (like Crystal fidgeting with a photo) after the transition from the previous scene to allow the audience to adjust to the change in tone.
  • Revise Crystal's dialogue to include more emotional complexity. Instead of stating her guilt outright, consider having her express it through metaphor or a memory that illustrates her feelings.
  • Develop Dakota's character further by having her share a personal story or a moment of loss that resonates with Crystal's experience, creating a stronger bond between them.
  • Slow down the pacing by incorporating pauses in the dialogue, allowing characters to reflect on what is being said. This can be achieved through stage directions that indicate moments of silence or physical reactions.
  • Enhance the visual description of the setting to reflect the emotional tone of the scene. Consider adding details about the room's decor or the lighting to create a more immersive atmosphere.



Scene 32 -  Silent Struggles and Sudden Threats
INT. REC ROOM, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Vince and Kitty sit in silence. Kitty is admiring the blade
on the knife.

KITTY
I have to go to the bathroom, can
you watch the door?

VINCE
Sure.

Kitty goes into the bathroom with the knife and shuts the
door. Vince stands guard.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 65.


INT. MAIN BATHROOM, CLIFF’S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Kitty sits down on the lidded toilet and rolls up her
sweatshirt sleeve.

She hovers the knife over her skin and ever so gently she
digs the knife’s blade in, slowly slicing.


INT. REC ROOM, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Vince grabs a glass and fills it up with water from the water
cooler. He gulps it down.


EXT. DENSE FOREST - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Johnny is behind Maddie up against tree, going at it.

They hear a branch snap and stop. They look around.

In the distance, they see the two glowing eyes staring at
them.

It steps forward into a ray of moonlight.

JOHNNY
We gotta go.

They snatch up their clothes and start putting them on but
the coyote takes a few more steps forward.

Maddie just books it leaving Johnny fumbling with his pants.
He runs off after her but loses sight of her in the dark.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In the rec room at Cliff's Edge, Kitty secretly battles her urge for self-harm while Vince waits outside, unaware of her distress. Meanwhile, Johnny and Maddie share a moment of intimacy that is abruptly interrupted by the sight of a coyote, forcing Maddie to flee into the night, leaving Johnny behind. The scene captures the tension of Kitty's hidden struggles and the external danger that disrupts the fragile connections between the characters.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched horror elements
  • Slightly predictable plot twists

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension, emotional depth, and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates. The combination of horror elements with intimate character moments creates a compelling and impactful sequence.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a group of vulnerable kids facing a night of terror at a secluded facility is gripping and well-executed. The scene effectively blends horror, thriller, and drama elements to create a multi-layered narrative that explores themes of fear, guilt, intimacy, and grief.

Plot: 8

The plot unfolds with a series of escalating events, from self-harm to a mysterious killer on the loose, keeping the audience on edge. The revelation of past traumas and the characters' reactions add depth to the storyline, creating a sense of urgency and suspense.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a unique situation of self-harm in a tense and dangerous setting, adding authenticity to the characters' actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions to the escalating events, their vulnerabilities, and the dynamics between them contribute significantly to the scene's impact. Each character's unique traits and past traumas shape their decisions and interactions, adding complexity to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant emotional changes and revelations in the scene, from confronting past traumas to forming intimate connections. These changes drive the character arcs forward, adding depth and complexity to their development.

Internal Goal: 8

Kitty's internal goal is to self-harm, as indicated by her actions with the knife. This reflects her deeper struggles with emotional pain and coping mechanisms.

External Goal: 7

Vince's external goal is to protect Kitty and keep watch, as well as stay hydrated. This reflects the immediate circumstances of potential danger and the need for vigilance.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, from the characters' personal struggles to the threat of a mysterious killer. The tension between the characters, their fears, and the high stakes of survival create a sense of imminent danger and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing physical and emotional threats that add complexity and tension to the story.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of survival, facing past traumas, and the threat of a mysterious killer elevate the tension and suspense of the scene. The characters' lives are in danger, and their decisions have life-or-death consequences, raising the stakes and intensifying the drama.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward with a series of escalating events, revelations, and character interactions. The unfolding mystery of the killer, the characters' struggles, and the high-stakes situation drive the narrative towards a climactic resolution, keeping the audience engaged and invested.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden appearance of the coyote and the characters' unexpected reactions to the threat.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is evident in Kitty's internal struggle with self-harm and Vince's external goal of protecting her. This challenges their beliefs about safety, trust, and coping mechanisms.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and anxiety to grief and intimacy, as the characters confront their past traumas and face a night of terror. The emotional depth of the interactions and revelations adds poignancy to the narrative, engaging the audience on a visceral level.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and conflicts, enhancing the tension and suspense of the scene. The conversations reveal the characters' inner struggles and relationships, adding depth to their interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and suspenseful atmosphere, high stakes, and emotional depth of the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building suspense and maintaining a sense of urgency throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a focus on character actions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene effectively juxtaposes Kitty's internal struggle with self-harm against the external tension of Johnny and Maddie's intimate moment. This contrast heightens the emotional stakes, but the transitions between the two locations could be smoother to maintain the tension and urgency. The abrupt shifts may confuse the audience about where to focus their emotional investment.
  • Kitty's actions in the bathroom are powerful and convey her emotional turmoil, but the scene could benefit from more internal dialogue or sensory details to deepen the audience's understanding of her mindset. What thoughts are racing through her mind as she prepares to harm herself? Adding this layer could enhance the emotional impact.
  • Vince's role as a guard feels passive, and his character could be developed further to create a stronger connection with Kitty. Perhaps he could express concern or have a brief moment of doubt about her well-being before she enters the bathroom, which would add depth to their relationship and heighten the tension when he remains unaware of her actions.
  • The introduction of the coyote adds an element of danger, but the transition from Kitty's self-harm to Johnny and Maddie's encounter feels disjointed. The coyote could serve as a metaphor for the lurking dangers in their lives, but this thematic connection needs to be more explicitly drawn to resonate with the audience.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works for the tension, but it could be enhanced with more subtext. For instance, Vince could say something that hints at his awareness of Kitty's struggles, creating a sense of foreboding as he stands guard. This would also make his eventual ignorance of her actions more poignant.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding internal monologue or sensory details during Kitty's self-harm scene to provide insight into her emotional state and make her struggle more relatable to the audience.
  • Develop Vince's character further by incorporating a moment of concern or hesitation before Kitty enters the bathroom, which would create a stronger emotional connection between the two characters.
  • Smooth the transitions between Kitty's self-harm and Johnny and Maddie's encounter with the coyote by using visual or auditory cues that link the two scenes, such as the sound of the coyote in the background as Kitty struggles.
  • Explore the metaphorical significance of the coyote more explicitly, perhaps by having Johnny or Maddie comment on it as a symbol of danger or fear, which would tie the two storylines together thematically.
  • Enhance the dialogue with subtext that hints at the characters' awareness of each other's struggles, creating a more layered emotional landscape that resonates with the audience.



Scene 33 -  Blood and Suspicion
EXT. DENSE FOREST - CUT B/W MADDIE & JOHNNY

Maddie, half naked and holding her clothes, zigzags between
trees and brush.

Johnny, completely naked and holding his clothes is
frantically looking for Maddie while keeping an eye on the
coyote a few yards back.


INT. MAIN BATHROOM, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Kitty holds a paper towel over her bloody sliced arm and
rolls down her sleeve.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 66.


INT. REC ROOM, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Kitty comes out from the bathroom but Vince is gone.

KITTY
Vince?

She looks around.

KITTY (CONT’D)
Vince! This isn’t funny.

No response.

Dakota and Crystal come down the stairs.

DAKOTA
What’s going on?

KITTY
I went to the bathroom and now
Vince is gone.

Dakota and Crystal look around the various rooms to reconvene
with Kitty.

CRYSTAL
Did you hear anything?

Kitty shakes her head no. Crystal looks at her skeptically
then to her knife.

She notices a little blood.

CRYSTAL (CONT’D)
What’s that?

KITTY
What?

DAKOTA
(noticing)
There’s blood on your knife.

KITTY
I didn’t-

The girls back away from Kitty.

CRYSTAL
What happened to Vince?

KITTY
I swear, look-
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 67.


Embarrassed, Kitty pulls up her sleeve revealing the paper
towel with blood seeping through.

KITTY (CONT’D)
I was cutting.

Crystal and Dakota look at each other and soften.

CRYSTAL
Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.

DAKOTA
What about Vince?

CRYSTAL
We’ll look for him after.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Horror"]

Summary In the tense atmosphere of Cliff's Edge, Kitty tends to a bloody cut on her arm while searching for her missing friend Vince. She encounters Dakota and Crystal, who express concern over Vince's disappearance and grow suspicious of Kitty when they notice blood on her knife. As Kitty tries to explain her injury, the girls' skepticism heightens, leading to an unresolved conflict. Ultimately, they decide to help Kitty clean up before continuing their search for Vince, leaving the mystery of his fate hanging in the air.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Exploring complex emotions
  • Creating a sense of danger
Weaknesses
  • Some ambiguity in character motivations
  • Lack of resolution for certain plot points

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion, keeping the audience engaged with its dark and intense tone.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring characters' vulnerabilities and struggles with self-harm adds depth and complexity to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the characters deal with the aftermath of Vince's disappearance and Kitty's self-harm, leading to heightened tension and conflict.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique situations such as self-harm, deception, and mystery, adding depth and complexity to the characters' actions and dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' reactions and interactions enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show vulnerability, guilt, and concern, adding layers to their personalities and driving the emotional impact of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional turmoil and vulnerability, leading to significant changes in their perspectives and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

Kitty's internal goal is to hide her self-harm and the emotional turmoil she is experiencing. She wants to maintain a facade of normalcy and avoid judgment from her friends.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find Vince and understand what happened to him. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of the mysterious disappearance and potential danger.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict arises from Vince's disappearance, Kitty's self-harm, and the characters' emotional turmoil, creating a sense of urgency and danger.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing challenges, conflicts, and unexpected obstacles. The audience is left wondering about the outcomes and resolutions.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes are evident through Vince's disappearance, Kitty's self-harm, and the characters' struggle for survival in a dangerous situation.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by escalating the tension and conflict, setting the stage for further developments and revelations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected events, character revelations, and mysterious disappearances. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of trust, deception, and self-harm. The characters' beliefs and values are challenged as they navigate through the unexpected events and revelations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and empathy from the audience as the characters grapple with their inner demons and external threats.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and internal struggles, contributing to the tense atmosphere.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, emotional depth, and unexpected twists. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and mysteries.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' struggles. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre. The scene transitions smoothly between locations and characters.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear progression of events and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by juxtaposing the frantic search for Maddie with Kitty's self-harm, creating a sense of urgency and danger. However, the transitions between the two locations (the forest and the bathroom) could be smoother to maintain the flow of the narrative. The abrupt cuts may confuse the audience about the timeline and the stakes involved.
  • Kitty's internal struggle with self-harm is a critical aspect of her character, but the scene could benefit from deeper emotional exploration. While her actions are shown, the dialogue lacks a strong emotional resonance that would allow the audience to fully empathize with her pain. Adding a moment of vulnerability or a brief internal monologue could enhance this.
  • The dialogue feels somewhat stilted and could be more natural. For instance, Kitty's initial call for Vince lacks urgency, which diminishes the tension of the moment. Consider incorporating more frantic or panicked language to reflect her emotional state and the gravity of the situation.
  • The characters' reactions to Kitty's blood could be more pronounced. While Crystal and Dakota soften, their responses could include more dialogue or physical reactions that convey their shock or concern. This would heighten the emotional stakes and deepen the audience's investment in the characters' relationships.
  • The scene ends with a decision to look for Vince after tending to Kitty, which feels somewhat abrupt. Given the context of the previous scene, where Vince's disappearance is alarming, the urgency to find him should be more pronounced. This could be achieved by having the characters express more concern or urgency in their dialogue.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection for Kitty before she exits the bathroom, allowing the audience to see her emotional turmoil and the weight of her actions. This could be a visual cue, such as her looking at herself in the mirror, which would enhance the emotional impact.
  • Enhance the dialogue to reflect the characters' emotional states more accurately. For example, Kitty could express more fear or desperation about Vince's disappearance, while Crystal and Dakota could respond with more urgency in their tone.
  • Incorporate more physicality in the characters' actions to convey their emotional states. For instance, Kitty could be trembling or visibly shaken when she reveals her injury, which would add to the tension and urgency of the scene.
  • Consider using sound design to heighten the tension during the transitions between the forest and the bathroom. The sounds of the coyote or the eerie silence of the rec room could be used to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Revisit the pacing of the scene to ensure that the tension builds effectively. You might want to slow down certain moments to allow the audience to absorb the emotional weight of Kitty's actions and the implications of Vince's disappearance.



Scene 34 -  Drowning in Despair
INT. STAFF OFFICE, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Crystal cleans Kitty’s wounds with some peroxide and wraps
her arm in a bandage.

Dakota takes Kitty’s knife.

DAKOTA
Maybe you don’t get a knife
anymore?

Kitty nods.

KITTY
Fine.


EXT. BACKYARD POOL, CLIFF’S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Vince sits in a chair on the patio facing the pool, staring
down at the water.

The masked FIGURE in overalls walks up behind him.

The Figure’s gloved hand reaches around and takes Vince’s
head in his hands, lifts up his chin so Vince can see Dakota,
Crystal, and Kitty walking around in the house looking for
him.

Vince’s neck muscles strain - he’s trying to talk but nothing
comes out.

The Figure lets go of his face and his chin falls to his
chest.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 68.


The Figure pulls out an empty SYRINGE and holds it in front
of Vince’s eyes.

With a swift push, Vince and the chair fall into the pool.

Vince’s limp body sinks below the surface. His eyes go wide
with fear. He chokes weakly as he’s nearly unable to.

He sinks and sinks and sinks until his body hits the pool
floor.

On his back, he looks up at the Figure leaning over the pool
to watch him drown in isolation.

The Figure holds out a papier-mâché MASK and tosses it on the
water’s surface. It floats face down staring at Vince...

It’s the mask he personally created in art therapy group.

After a moment, the Figure walks away, leaving Vince to take
his last water-filled breath alone.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a tense midnight scene at Cliff's Edge, Crystal tends to Kitty's wounds while Dakota disarms her for safety. Meanwhile, Vince is confronted by a masked figure who forces him into the pool, leaving him to drown as he watches a mask he created float away, symbolizing his despair. The scene captures the helplessness and impending doom faced by Vince, contrasting with the protective instincts of Crystal and Dakota.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Creating suspense
  • Emotional depth
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Possible confusion with multiple character actions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension, fear, and emotional depth through its dark and intense tone, engaging plot developments, and impactful character interactions.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a masked figure orchestrating deadly events in a secluded location is intriguing and well-executed, adding layers of suspense and mystery to the narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot unfolds with a series of shocking and suspenseful events, keeping the audience on edge and driving the story forward with high stakes and emotional impact.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its use of symbolism, such as the papier-mâché mask and the syringe, to convey deeper meanings about the characters' motivations and conflicts. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters display vulnerability, fear, and complex emotions, adding depth to the scene and enhancing the overall tension and suspense.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience personal growth, fear, and vulnerability, leading to changes in their relationships and dynamics within the group.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to survive and protect themselves from harm. This reflects their deeper need for safety and security, as well as their fear of being vulnerable and powerless.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from the masked Figure and survive the dangerous situation they are in. This reflects the immediate challenge of facing a life-threatening threat.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, including fear of the masked figure, suspicion among the characters, and personal struggles, heightening the tension and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the characters face a life-threatening situation and must make difficult choices to survive. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the characters will overcome the obstacles in their way.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of life-threatening situations, betrayal, and personal revelations raise the tension and urgency of the scene, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly advances the plot by introducing new dangers, escalating conflicts, and pushing the characters to make crucial decisions, driving the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden and shocking actions of the masked Figure, the unexpected turn of events for the characters, and the uncertainty of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between life and death, power and powerlessness, and control and vulnerability. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about their own strength and ability to overcome adversity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, suspense, grief, and isolation, eliciting strong emotional responses from both the characters and the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and suspicions, contributing to the tense atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and suspenseful atmosphere, the high stakes for the characters, and the unexpected twists and turns in the plot.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension, a climactic moment of action, and a lingering sense of dread at the end. It contributes to the effectiveness of the scene by keeping the audience engaged and on the edge of their seats.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, with proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. It follows the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a dramatic climax. It follows the expected format for its genre of thriller/horror.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by juxtaposing the intimate act of Crystal tending to Kitty's wounds with the impending danger Vince faces. This contrast heightens the emotional stakes, making the audience acutely aware of the peril that Vince is in while the other characters are oblivious.
  • The use of visual imagery, particularly the masked figure and the syringe, is strong and evokes a sense of dread. The syringe symbolizes vulnerability and the loss of control, which aligns well with the themes of the screenplay. However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere, such as sounds or smells that contribute to the tension.
  • Vince's struggle to speak and the physicality of his situation are compelling, but the scene could delve deeper into his emotional state. Providing a brief internal monologue or flashback could enhance the audience's connection to Vince, making his fate more impactful.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works well in this context, but it might be beneficial to include a few lines that hint at Vince's thoughts or fears before the confrontation. This could create a stronger emotional resonance when he faces the masked figure.
  • The transition from the staff office to the backyard pool is somewhat abrupt. A brief moment showing the characters searching for Vince or expressing concern could create a smoother flow and build anticipation for the reveal of Vince's fate.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Vince as he sits by the pool, reflecting on his situation or his relationships with the other characters. This could deepen the audience's emotional investment in his character.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere, such as the sound of water lapping against the pool's edge or the distant sounds of the other characters searching for Vince. This could create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Explore the emotional dynamics between Crystal, Dakota, and Kitty as they tend to Kitty's wounds. A few lines of dialogue expressing their concern for Vince could heighten the tension and foreshadow the danger he is in.
  • Consider extending the moment when the masked figure reveals the syringe to Vince. A brief pause or a chilling line could amplify the suspense and make the audience feel the weight of the moment.
  • Ensure that the transition between the two settings feels seamless. Perhaps include a line of dialogue or a visual cue that indicates the characters are moving from one location to another, maintaining the tension throughout the scene.



Scene 35 -  Secrets in the Shadows
INT. KITCHEN, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Crystal, Dakota, and Kitty look around in the dark.

DAKOTA
I don’t know where he could have
went. We’ve looked everywhere.

Crystal looks out the back window into the backyard. She sees
a glimmer of light hit the terrarium atop the memorial bench.

CRYSTAL
Elvis...

DAKOTA
What?


EXT. BACKYARD, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Dakota, Kitty and Crystal approach the terrarium on the bench
with Elvis now inside. Crystal sees Elvis’ grave dug up.

CRYSTAL
Who would do this?

DAKOTA
Probably the same person who killed
him.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 69.


CRYSTAL
I think it was Maddie.

DAKOTA
Nah, she’s harmless.

CRYSTAL
Well, who else then?

KITTY
Johnny?

DAKOTA
Johnny talks a big game but I think
he’s a softie.

CRYSTAL
What about Logan? He’s the only one
who knows I buried him here.

KITTY
Maybe. He did almost get fired for
hooking up with Maddie last time
she was here.

CRYSTAL
What?!

DAKOTA
That’s just what Maddie said. She
also said she lied so he wouldn’t
get fired, so who knows.

CRYSTAL
This isn’t helpful!

Crystal kneels down and reburies Elvis.

CRYSTAL (CONT’D)
Do you know about the memorial
bench?

DAKOTA
Yeah, some kids died.

KITTY
Jasmine told me it was a drug
overdose.

DAKOTA
I heard it was murder.

CRYSTAL
Me too. Who told you?
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 70.


DAKOTA
Maddie. You?

CRYSTAL
Logan.
(beat)
What if whoever killed those kids,
is back?

DAKOTA
To be fair, none of this started
until you got here.

CRYSTAL
What? I have no idea what’s going
on, I swear.

KITTY
It is a big coincidence.

CRYSTAL
Fuck this, I’m going back inside.

Crystal storms off toward the pool - she spots something on
the water’s surface.

CRYSTAL (CONT’D)
Something’s in the pool.
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller","Horror"]

Summary In the dark backyard of Cliff's Edge, Crystal, Dakota, and Kitty search for Elvis and find him in a terrarium next to a dug-up grave. As they speculate about who might have killed him, tensions rise with accusations and rumors about past deaths linked to a memorial bench. Crystal's frustration with her friends' lack of clarity escalates, leading her to confront Dakota and Kitty before storming off toward the pool, where she discovers something unsettling on the water's surface.
Strengths
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Uncovering unsettling clues
  • Exploring past tragedies and suspicions
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel repetitive or expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery, keeping the audience engaged with its unsettling discoveries and ominous atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of uncovering disturbing clues and discussing past tragedies in a mysterious setting is executed well, adding depth to the overall narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the characters discover unsettling clues and discuss potential suspects, adding layers of mystery and intrigue to the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh mystery element with the dug-up grave and the characters' suspicions, adding complexity and intrigue to the narrative. The dialogue feels authentic and reveals layers of character dynamics.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show suspicion, fear, and vulnerability, adding depth to their personalities and driving the tension in the scene.

Character Changes: 6

The characters show vulnerability, suspicion, and fear, but there is not significant character development or change within this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Crystal's internal goal is to uncover the truth behind the mysterious events happening in the backyard and to protect herself from potential danger. This reflects her need for safety and security.

External Goal: 7

Crystal's external goal is to investigate the disturbance in the backyard and solve the mystery of Elvis' grave being dug up. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict arises from the characters' suspicions, fears, and the unsettling discoveries they make, heightening the tension and driving the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting theories, suspicions, and the characters' uncertainty about the truth, creating obstacles and challenges for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are established through the characters' suspicions, fears, and the unsettling discoveries they make, hinting at potential danger and escalating tension.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing unsettling clues, raising suspicions, and deepening the mystery surrounding the past tragedies at Cliff's Edge.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because the characters' suspicions shift, new information is revealed, and the mystery deepens, leaving the audience uncertain about the truth.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around trust and suspicion, as the characters debate who could be responsible for the events. This challenges Crystal's beliefs about the people around her and the truth of the situation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, suspicion, and unease in the audience, creating an emotional impact that adds to the overall tension and mystery.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' suspicions, fears, and uncertainties, contributing to the overall tense atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the suspenseful atmosphere, the characters' conflicting theories, and the gradual reveal of clues that keep the audience guessing.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual reveal of information, character interactions, and clues that keep the audience engaged and intrigued.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard screenplay formatting, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It adheres to industry standards for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical mystery genre structure, with the characters investigating a disturbance and uncovering clues. The pacing and rhythm build tension effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by connecting the discovery of Elvis's grave with the mysterious deaths associated with the memorial bench. This creates a sense of foreboding and raises the stakes for the characters, particularly Crystal, who is emotionally invested in the fate of her pet.
  • The dialogue among Crystal, Dakota, and Kitty feels natural and reflects their personalities, but it could benefit from more distinct voices. Each character should have a unique way of speaking that reflects their background and emotional state, which would enhance their individuality and make the scene more engaging.
  • The pacing of the scene is somewhat uneven. The initial search for Vince feels rushed, and the transition to the discovery of the terrarium could be more gradual to build suspense. Consider adding more moments of hesitation or uncertainty as they approach the bench, which would heighten the tension.
  • The exposition regarding the memorial bench and the deaths of the kids is informative but could be woven into the dialogue more organically. Instead of having characters state facts, consider using subtext or emotional reactions to convey the weight of the history, making it feel less like a data dump.
  • Crystal's emotional arc is central to the story, but her reaction to the situation could be more pronounced. Instead of simply stating 'Fuck this, I’m going back inside,' consider showing her internal struggle more vividly, perhaps through physical actions or more intense dialogue that reflects her fear and frustration.
Suggestions
  • Enhance character differentiation by giving each character a distinct way of speaking or reacting to situations. This will make their interactions more dynamic and memorable.
  • Slow down the pacing when the characters approach the terrarium. Add moments of tension, such as pauses or shared glances, to build suspense before the reveal.
  • Integrate the backstory of the memorial bench and the deaths more subtly into the dialogue. Use emotional reactions or personal anecdotes to convey the significance rather than stating facts outright.
  • Deepen Crystal's emotional response to the situation. Consider adding a moment where she reflects on her feelings about Elvis's death and the implications of the memorial bench, which would add depth to her character.
  • Consider adding a visual element that symbolizes the tension or danger, such as shadows or sounds in the background, to create a more immersive atmosphere.



Scene 36 -  Drowning Shadows
EXT. BACKYARD POOL, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Dakota and Kitty follow Crystal to the pool fence.

DAKOTA
What is it?

CRYSTAL
Looks like Vince’s mask.

Crystal opens the gate and goes in - Dakota and Kitty follow.

Crystal walks up to the pool’s edge. She sees Vince at the
bottom.

CRYSTAL (CONT’D)
Vince!

Dakota and Kitty run up beside her. Dakota spots the floating
mask.

KITTY
Oh my god.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 71.


Crystal dives in and swims down to grab him.

She pulls him up to the surface. Dakota and Kitty help pull
him out.

Crystal pulls herself out of the pool and kneels down beside
Vince.

She attempts CPR but it’s no use.

KITTY (CONT’D)
This could totally be Johnny.

DAKOTA
I mean, you’re not wrong.


INT. REC ROOM, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Crystal dries off with a towel. Dakota and Kitty sit on the
couch.

Maddie bursts through the front door, out of breath. The
girls jump.

DAKOTA
Jesus fucking Christ, you scared
the shit out of us.

Maddie plops down on the couch.

MADDIE
We almost got eaten by a coyote.

KITTY
That’s why we came back-
(whispers)
Idiot.

CRYSTAL
Where’s Johnny?

MADDIE
He was right behind me.

They all scurry to the front door, no sign of Johnny.

CRYSTAL
He’s not.

MADDIE
I don’t know, we both ran away. I
thought he was.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 72.


Crystal looks at Maddie skeptically.

MADDIE (CONT’D)
Where’s Vince?

DAKOTA
He’s dead.

MADDIE
What?

KITTY
He drowned in the pool.

CRYSTAL
(accusatory)
Somehow...

MADDIE
It wasn’t me!

CRYSTAL
You split off and now Vince is
dead.

MADDIE
I was with Johnny the whole time,
ask him.

DAKOTA
He’s not with you now!

MADDIE
I didn’t do anything!

The girls look around at each other. Crystal glances at all
the masks on the wall.

She notices some masks are missing from the wall.

CRYSTAL
All of our masks are gone.

MADDIE
Huh?

CRYSTAL
Our masks aren’t on the wall.

DAKOTA
Well Johnny never put one up.

CRYSTAL
You’re right.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 73.


KITTY
You think he’s the killer?

MADDIE
I don’t think so.

CRYSTAL
Why?

MADDIE
I just don’t think he is. We were
together, he woulda killed me.

They all look at her suspiciously.

DAKOTA
You’re like... covering for him.
What if you’re both the killers!

MADDIE
I just don’t think he is, okay?!

KITTY
You’re being weird.

CRYSTAL
You have a crush on him.

DAKOTA
Yeah, like he’d ever go for Maddie.

Maddie gives a knowing chuckle.

DAKOTA (CONT’D)
What?

MADDIE
Nothing.

DAKOTA
Spill it.

MADDIE
We may have... hooked up. Out in
the woods.

DAKOTA
You bitch.

CRYSTAL
What the fuck, people are dying!

MADDIE
It just happened, I don’t know.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 74.


KITTY
Wait, define hook-up?

DAKOTA
They fucked.

KITTY
Maddie?!

She shrugs.

DAKOTA
I can’t believe you. You know I
liked him.

MADDIE
You only like him because you’re
stuck in rehab, you wouldn’t
otherwise.

DAKOTA
So what!

CRYSTAL
Girls, focus! We have to find him.

MADDIE
I’m not going back out there.

KITTY
I’m not splitting up again.

DAKOTA
Me neither.

KITTY
Besides, what if he’s the killer.

MADDIE
He’s not!

DAKOTA
You don’t know that for sure.

CRYSTAL
Fine, we sit here and wait til
morning staff get here.

KITTY
What if they don’t come?

CRYSTAL
Why wouldn’t they?
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 75.


KITTY
I’m just saying.

CRYSTAL
They’re coming. They have to.
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In the tense atmosphere of a midnight poolside, Dakota and Kitty discover Vince's lifeless body in the water, prompting Crystal to attempt CPR. As the group grapples with the shock of Vince's drowning, Maddie arrives, revealing her encounter with a coyote, which leads to rising suspicions about Johnny's involvement in the tragedy. Accusations fly, and secrets about Maddie and Johnny's relationship surface, heightening the conflict among the group. Ultimately, they decide to wait for morning staff, leaving them in a state of uncertainty and fear.
Strengths
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Effective character dynamics
  • Mystery and intrigue
Weaknesses
  • Some melodramatic dialogue
  • Repetitive exchanges

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension, suspense, and intrigue through the interactions and revelations among the characters, keeping the audience engaged and on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a group of teenagers trapped in a remote location with a potential killer among them is a classic horror trope that is executed well in this scene. The discovery of the drowned victim and the missing masks add depth to the mystery and danger.

Plot: 7

The plot advances significantly in this scene with the discovery of Vince's body in the pool, the suspicions among the characters, and the revelation of the missing masks. The escalating tension and conflicts drive the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the mystery and suspense genre, with a focus on interpersonal conflicts and hidden motives. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show a range of emotions, suspicions, and vulnerabilities, adding depth to their interactions and relationships. The dynamics between the characters contribute to the escalating tension and drama.

Character Changes: 6

Some characters show subtle changes in their relationships, suspicions, and vulnerabilities, particularly Maddie and Dakota. The revelations and conflicts in the scene contribute to these character developments.

Internal Goal: 8

Crystal's internal goal is to uncover the truth behind Vince's death and potentially find out if there is a killer among them. This reflects her need for justice and safety within the group.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find Johnny and ensure their safety in the face of potential danger. This reflects the immediate challenge of the situation they are in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with suspicions, accusations, and revelations driving the tension among the characters. The discovery of Vince's body and the missing masks heighten the stakes and danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motives, suspicions, and hidden agendas creating obstacles for the characters to overcome. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will unfold.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters grapple with multiple deaths, suspicions of a killer among them, and the danger of being trapped in a remote location. The escalating tension and conflicts raise the stakes and sense of urgency.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward significantly with the discovery of Vince's body, the suspicions among the characters, and the decision to wait for the morning staff. The escalating tension and mysteries propel the narrative towards a resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters, the revelation of new information, and the unexpected twists in the plot.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around trust, suspicion, and loyalty. The characters are questioning each other's motives and actions, leading to a clash of values and beliefs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, suspense, and shock, eliciting emotional responses from the audience as the characters deal with death, suspicion, and betrayal. The vulnerability and emotional turmoil of the characters add depth to the scene.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue effectively conveys the suspicions, fears, and conflicts among the characters, driving the tension and drama of the scene. However, some exchanges feel slightly repetitive or melodramatic.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, emotional conflicts, and suspenseful atmosphere. The audience is drawn into the characters' dilemmas and mysteries, keeping them invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments, character interactions, and plot developments that keep the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre and enhancing the readability of the screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of revelation and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and urgency as the characters discover Vince's body, but it could benefit from deeper emotional resonance. The characters' reactions to Vince's death feel somewhat muted; exploring their grief or shock more profoundly could enhance the impact of the moment.
  • The dialogue, while functional, often leans towards exposition rather than character development. For instance, the accusations and defenses among the girls could be more layered, revealing their fears and insecurities rather than just stating their positions. This would create a more dynamic interaction.
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven. The initial discovery of Vince's body is a high-stakes moment, but the subsequent dialogue about Johnny feels like a tonal shift that undercuts the gravity of the situation. Balancing the urgency of the discovery with the ensuing conflict is crucial to maintain tension.
  • The introduction of the coyote threat feels somewhat disconnected from the main conflict of Vince's death. While it adds an element of danger, it could be more effectively integrated into the scene to heighten the stakes and create a sense of impending doom.
  • The character dynamics, particularly between Maddie and the others, could be more nuanced. Maddie's defensiveness about Johnny feels somewhat one-dimensional. Exploring her motivations and fears regarding her relationship with Johnny could add depth to her character and the overall conflict.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of silence or a more visceral reaction from the characters upon discovering Vince's body to emphasize the shock and horror of the situation.
  • Enhance the dialogue to reflect the characters' emotional states more vividly. For example, instead of simply accusing each other, they could express their fears about being trapped in the facility or their past traumas, which would add depth to their interactions.
  • Rework the pacing to maintain a consistent tone throughout the scene. After the discovery of Vince, focus on the emotional fallout before introducing the coyote subplot, or find a way to weave it into the main conflict more seamlessly.
  • Integrate the coyote threat more effectively by having it serve as a metaphor for the danger they face within the facility, perhaps by having the characters draw parallels between the coyote and the masked figure they fear.
  • Develop Maddie's character further by exploring her feelings about Johnny and the implications of their relationship in the context of the current crisis. This could create a more complex dynamic among the girls and heighten the tension.



Scene 37 -  Night of Terror at Cliff's Edge
EXT. FOREST - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Johnny, disoriented in the dark, maneuvers through the woods.

He steps around a massive tree...

A BASEBALL BAT swings out, CRACKING Johnny in the TEETH.

He MUMBLE SCREAMS. Falls to his back, grabs his bloody mouth.

He pulls out some bloodied teeth shards. He SCREAMS.

The MASKED FIGURE steps out from behind the tree... Johnny,
on his back, doesn’t notice.

The Figure steps closer, gripping the baseball bat tighter.

Johnny sits up just in time see the tip of the bat’s barrel
coming straight at - CRACK, hits him in the teeth again.

His head flies back and he hits the ground, SCREAMING.

The Figure stands over Johnny’s body and slowly pries his
mouth wide open with the barrel of the bat...

The Figure gently pushes the barrel deeper into his mouth...


INT. REC ROOM, CLIFF'S EDGE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

The girls are fading. Crystal and Kitty on one couch and
Dakota and Maddie on another - one by one they fall asleep.

FADE TO BLACK.


INT. REC ROOM, CLIFF'S EDGE - MORNING

The girls are passed out, Kitty snores.

After a moment, the front door creaks open...

The MASKED FIGURE slips inside and walks into the room -
surveys the sleeping girls.

The Figure walks up behind the closest couch where Dakota and
Maddie sleeps.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 76.


They bring a knife across Dakota’s neck...

The Figure glances at the other girls as it glides the blade
across Dakota’s throat, blood seeps out.

Dakota eyes pop open but she can’t open her mouth or move at
all - she’s completely still as blood continues to run down
her neck and shirt.

The Figure takes Dakota’s hair in their hand and holds the
knife to her scalp.

Across the room on the other couch, Crystal’s eyes open -
they become wild when she realizes she too cannot move.

Her eyes dart around and land on:

The Figure SCALPING Dakota. Crystal musters a guttural GRUNT
just loud enough to wake:

Maddie’s eyes pop open wildly upon realizing she cannot move
either.

She sees Dakota covered in blood beside her on the couch.
Maddie GRUNTS as she watches the Figure slice around Dakota’s
scalp.

Kitty’s eyes finally open and she too cannot move and must
watch the horror unfold...

The Figure peels off Dakota’s scalp and shoves the fleshy
hair into Dakota’s mouth.

Kitty vomits - it drips down the side of her face - she
chokes a little.

The Figure pulls out Dakota’s papier-mâché mask and places it
over her face.

The Figure makes their way over to Kitty - her eyes go wide
and lets out a guttural groan.

The Figure grabs a blanket and wipes the vomit from Kitty’s
face. Kitty’s eyes well up with tears - pure fear.

The Figure rolls up Kitty’s sleeves revealing her superficial
self-harm scars all up her arms.

The Figure takes the knife and runs the blade along Kitty’s
scars lightly. As the knife gets to her wrist, it DIGS in,
slicing vertically. Blood seeps out.

The Figure does the same to Kitty’s other wrist.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 77.


A CAR DOOR SLAMS outside. The Figure snaps their attention to
the front door. They hurry over and peek out the window:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary In a chilling scene, Johnny is violently attacked in the forest by a masked figure, suffering severe injuries. The horror escalates as the figure enters a rec room where four girls—Crystal, Kitty, Dakota, and Maddie—are sleeping. In a brutal act, the masked figure murders Dakota and inflicts self-harm on Kitty, leaving the other girls paralyzed with fear. The scene is filled with suspense and brutality, culminating in a sense of impending doom as the figure prepares to strike again.
Strengths
  • Intense and terrifying imagery
  • High emotional impact
  • Effective use of suspense and tension
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence may be too intense for some viewers
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly effective in creating a sense of horror and suspense, with intense and disturbing imagery that leaves a lasting impact on the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a masked figure terrorizing and attacking the characters in a secluded location is executed with great intensity and creativity, adding a unique and terrifying element to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene as the characters face a life-threatening situation and are forced to confront the terrifying presence of the masked figure. The tension and fear escalate, driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its graphic and shocking portrayal of violence, creating a sense of unease and horror. The authenticity of the characters' reactions adds to the realism of the situation.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' reactions to the horrifying events add depth to their personalities and showcase their resilience in the face of danger. The scene highlights their vulnerability and fear, adding complexity to their development.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo a significant change in this scene as they are forced to confront their deepest fears and fight for survival. The traumatic events they experience will likely have a lasting impact on their personalities and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is likely survival and escape. The fear and desperation reflected in his actions suggest a deeper need for self-preservation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to evade the masked figure and survive the attack. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of facing a dangerous and unknown assailant.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and life-threatening, as the characters are faced with a masked figure who poses a deadly threat. The tension and fear are heightened by the graphic and disturbing nature of the attacks.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a dangerous and relentless assailant. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the suspense and tension.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high in this scene, as the characters are faced with a deadly and relentless attacker who poses a grave threat to their lives. The graphic and horrifying nature of the attacks raises the tension and fear to a maximum level.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by escalating the tension and danger faced by the characters, setting the stage for further conflict and suspense. The revelation of the masked figure's brutality adds a new layer of mystery and terror to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected and shocking events that unfold, keeping the audience guessing and on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of fear, survival, and the brutality of human nature. The protagonist's beliefs and values are challenged by the extreme violence and cruelty he experiences.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact on the audience, evoking fear, shock, and horror through its graphic and intense imagery. The characters' vulnerability and terror resonate with the viewers, creating a sense of dread and suspense.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but impactful, conveying the characters' fear and shock effectively. The silence and visual cues play a significant role in building tension and suspense.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and suspenseful atmosphere, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats. The shocking events and graphic descriptions captivate the viewer's attention.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds suspense and tension, leading to a shocking and impactful climax. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness in conveying the horror and brutality of the situation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the action and dialogue in a clear and engaging manner.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a shocking and impactful climax. The pacing and formatting enhance the overall impact of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and horror through its visceral imagery and the helplessness of the characters. However, the pacing could be improved; the transition from Johnny's attack to the girls' vulnerability feels abrupt. A more gradual build-up to the horror in the rec room could enhance the suspense.
  • The use of the masked figure as an antagonist is effective, but the motivations behind their actions are unclear. Providing a hint of the figure's backstory or their connection to the characters could add depth to the horror and make the stakes feel more personal.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works well for the horror genre, but the internal thoughts or fears of the characters could be explored more. This would allow the audience to connect with the characters on a deeper level, heightening the emotional impact of the scene.
  • The visual descriptions are strong, but some moments could benefit from more sensory details. For instance, describing the sounds of the forest or the girls' breathing could enhance the atmosphere and immerse the audience further into the scene.
  • The scene's climax, where Dakota is scalped, is shocking but may come off as gratuitous without sufficient emotional context. Ensuring that the audience understands Dakota's significance to the group could make this moment more impactful rather than just shocking.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of foreshadowing before Johnny's attack, such as eerie sounds or a sense of being watched, to build tension.
  • Introduce a flashback or a brief dialogue that hints at the masked figure's motivations or past, creating a more compelling antagonist.
  • Incorporate internal monologues or thoughts from the characters during the horror sequences to deepen the audience's emotional connection.
  • Enhance sensory details throughout the scene, focusing on sounds, smells, and tactile sensations to create a more immersive experience.
  • Provide more context for Dakota's character and her relationship with the other girls to make her fate feel more significant and impactful.



Scene 38 -  Cliff's Edge: A Descent into Horror
EXT. DRIVEWAY/PORCH, CLIFF'S EDGE - MORNING - CONTINUOUS

Rebecca and Logan walk up the driveway toward the porch.

REBECCA
Hopefully Phillip’s not mad.

LOGAN
We’re like never late. He’ll
understand.

Rebecca notices there are a lot of cars in the driveway.

REBECCA
Why are there so many cars already?

Logan spots a TESLA.

LOGAN
Janet’s never here this early.

REBECCA
Weird. Wonder if something happened
last night.

They head up the porch stairs and open the front door.


INT. FOYER, CLIFF'S EDGE - CONTINUOUS

Rebecca closes the door behind them.

REBECCA
Sorry, we’re late. Mudslide on
Mulholland has traffic backed up.


INT. REC ROOM, CLIFF'S EDGE - CONTINUOUS

All the kids’ eyes are darting around but they can’t move or
speak...

Kitty’s eyes slowly roll back as she bleeds out.


INT. FOYER, CLIFF'S EDGE - CONTINUOUS

Rebecca and Logan look up to the chair where Phillip should
be sitting - he’s not there.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 78.


REBECCA
Phillip?

Rebecca and Logan share a look.

REBECCA (CONT’D)
You think he left already?

LOGAN
Where is everyone else then?

Rebecca shrugs.

LOGAN (CONT’D)
I’ll go up and check.

Logan disappears upstairs while Rebecca looks around - spots
the blanket on the floor covering a body.

REBECCA
Uhh- Phillip?

She takes a few steps toward the blanket. Then spots the four
kids frozen on the couch. Kitty has expired.

REBECCA (CONT’D)
Oh you’re up already. The boys
still sleeping?

Crystal and Maddie just stare at her, wild-eyed, but
Rebecca’s not comprehending the scene.

REBECCA (CONT’D)
Where’s Phillip?

No response, just eerie stares.

REBECCA (CONT’D)
Hellooo- Is Janet here?

The Figure steps up behind Rebecca. Crystal and Maddie make
guttural groans.

Rebecca focuses in on the back of Dakota’s bloody skull.

REBECCA (CONT’D)
(confused)
Dakota?

The Figure jams the KNIFE through Rebecca’s temple and pins
her head to the wall.

Rebecca’s bloodied eyes stare out at the kids.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 79.


The Figure yanks out the knife - Rebecca slides down the
wall, crumples to the floor.

The Figure hears Logan walking back down the hallway.

LOGAN (O.S.)
No one’s up here.

The Figure walks through the kitchen and disappears through
the back door.

Logan comes downstairs and spots Rebecca on the floor, dead.

LOGAN (CONT’D)
Oh my god!

He rushes to her side and then notices the other body under
the blanket.

LOGAN (CONT’D)
What the-

He slowly lifts the blanket revealing Phillip.

LOGAN (CONT’D)
Shit.

He looks up and sees all four girls on the couch.

LOGAN (CONT’D)
What happened?!?

They do not respond or move - just stare.

LOGAN (CONT’D)
Hello! What the fuck is going on?

He rushes over to them and notices bloody Dakota first.

Logan SCREAMS and looks around at the other girls.

Crystal wiggles a little and stiffly falls to her side.

LOGAN (CONT’D)
What’s going on?

He sits Crystal back up.

LOGAN (CONT’D)
Are you paralyzed?

He thinks a moment.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 80.


LOGAN (CONT’D)
Hold on-

He runs into the staff office.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Rebecca and Logan arrive at Cliff's Edge, sensing an unsettling atmosphere filled with fear. Inside, they discover a body under a blanket and find other kids paralyzed with terror. As Rebecca tries to grasp the situation, she is suddenly attacked and killed by an unseen figure. Logan returns to the scene, only to be confronted with the shocking aftermath of the violence.
Strengths
  • High tension
  • Shocking twists
  • Emotional impact
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Character deaths

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively delivers a high level of suspense, tension, and shock value, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome of the characters' fates.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a masked figure targeting the characters in a secluded location adds a layer of mystery and danger to the scene, heightening the stakes and creating a sense of urgency.

Plot: 9

The plot unfolds with rapid and shocking developments, including multiple character deaths and escalating conflicts, driving the narrative forward and intensifying the sense of danger and suspense.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and unexpected turn of events, with a shocking and violent climax that subverts audience expectations. The authenticity of the characters' reactions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions to the escalating threats and their interactions under extreme pressure add depth and complexity to the scene, showcasing their vulnerabilities and strengths in the face of danger.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo significant changes as they are forced to confront their darkest fears and make difficult decisions under extreme pressure, leading to personal growth and transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

Rebecca's internal goal in this scene is to figure out what is happening and to find out the whereabouts of Phillip and the other kids. This reflects her need for control and her fear of the unknown.

External Goal: 7

Rebecca's external goal is to ensure the safety of herself and Logan in the face of a potentially dangerous situation. This reflects the immediate challenge of survival and escape.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with multiple characters facing life-threatening situations and betrayals, leading to intense confrontations and shocking outcomes.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing a life-threatening situation and struggling to make sense of the chaos around them. The audience is kept in suspense about the outcome.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high in the scene, with multiple characters facing imminent danger and death, creating a sense of urgency and suspense that drives the tension and suspense to a peak.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward at a rapid pace, introducing new challenges, escalating conflicts, and shocking revelations that propel the narrative towards its climax.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden and violent turn of events, as well as the unexpected actions and reactions of the characters. The audience is kept guessing about what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of trust, betrayal, and survival. The characters are faced with a moral dilemma of who to trust and how to navigate a dangerous situation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a significant emotional impact on the audience, evoking fear, shock, and empathy for the characters as they struggle to survive in a terrifying and deadly situation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' fear, confusion, and desperation, enhancing the tension and emotional impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and suspenseful nature, with unexpected twists and shocking moments that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual buildup of tension, a climactic moment of violence, and a lingering sense of unease in the aftermath. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in creating suspense.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. It adheres to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, a climax of violence, and a resolution that leaves the audience on edge. The formatting is consistent with the genre of suspense thriller.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, utilizing the contrast between Rebecca and Logan's casual conversation and the horrific reality inside Cliff's Edge. This juxtaposition heightens the impact of the discovery they make.
  • The dialogue feels natural and relatable, particularly in the opening exchanges between Rebecca and Logan. However, it could benefit from a bit more urgency or foreshadowing to hint at the impending horror, which would enhance the dramatic irony for the audience.
  • The pacing is well-structured, with a gradual build-up to the shocking reveal of the bodies. However, the transition from the foyer to the rec room could be smoother. Consider adding a moment of hesitation or a sense of foreboding as they approach the rec room, which would amplify the tension.
  • The visual descriptions are strong, particularly the imagery of Kitty bleeding out and the blanket covering a body. However, the scene could be enhanced by incorporating more sensory details, such as sounds or smells, to immerse the audience further into the horror of the situation.
  • The characters' reactions to the horror are appropriately muted at first, reflecting their shock. However, it might be more impactful if there were slight variations in their responses to convey their individual personalities and emotional states more distinctly.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line or two of dialogue that hints at the tension or unease in the air before Rebecca and Logan enter the building, which could create a stronger sense of foreboding.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere—describe the sounds of the house, the smell of blood, or the eerie silence that envelops the characters as they enter.
  • Make the transition from the foyer to the rec room more suspenseful by having Rebecca and Logan hesitate or exchange worried glances before they open the door, building anticipation for what they might find.
  • Explore the characters' emotional responses more deeply. For instance, show Logan's protective instincts or Rebecca's nurturing side as they react to the horror, which could add depth to their characters.
  • Consider ending the scene with a more dramatic cliffhanger or a shocking revelation that leaves the audience eager to see what happens next, such as a sudden noise or movement that suggests the masked figure is still nearby.



Scene 39 -  A Tense Reunion
INT. STAFF OFFICE - CLIFF’S EDGE - CONTINUOUS

Logan rummages through the black cabinet and finds a box of
NARCAN SPRAY DEVICES.


INT. REC ROOM, CLIFF'S EDGE - CONTINUOUS

Logan hurries back to Crystal and Maddie - he gives them each
a spray of Narcan in their nostril.

Crystal and Maddie’s bodies slowly come back to life.

CRYSTAL
We need to get out of here!

LOGAN
Who did this?

MADDIE
A fucking psychopath!

CRYSTAL
I don’t know, is your car here?

LOGAN
Yes!


EXT. DRIVEWAY, CLIFF'S EDGE - MORNING - MOMENTS LATER

Logan helps Maddie and Crystal walk out to his car. They all
get in and he drives off.


INT. LOGAN’S CAR, DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS

Logan drives onto the one-lane narrow driveway toward the
main road.

After a moment, a car turns from the main road onto the
driveway - blocking their path.

LOGAN
Fuck, who’s this?
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 81.


CRYSTAL
That’s my mom’s car, what’s she
doing here?

LOGAN
She’s not stopping.

Sadie keeps driving toward them slowly forcing Logan to back-
up on the wider driveway.

Logan steps out of the car as Sadie stops at the mouth of the
driveway, blocking the path. She gets out.

SADIE
What the hell is going on? I’ve
been calling all night and morning
trying to reach Crystal.

LOGAN
I just got here and it’s not safe.
We all need to go.

Crystal gets out of the car.

SADIE
Honey!

CRYSTAL
Mom, what’re you doing here?

SADIE
I’ve been worried sick, I haven’t
talked to you in days.

CRYSTAL
Because you’ve been ignoring my
calls!

SADIE
They told me to!

CRYSTAL
Wait what?

SADIE
They told me our calls weren’t
productive and to give you space.

Crystal looks at Logan.

CRYSTAL
What the fuck dude?
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 82.


MADDIE
Can we do family therapy another
time? There’s a murderer on the
loose!

SADIE
What?

LOGAN
Everyone here is dead, that’s why
we’re leaving! Can you move your
car?

SADIE
Oh my god, what about the police!

LOGAN
I’m going to call them on the way
out, we need to go!

SADIE
I think we should stay and wait for
the police.

MADDIE
No, there’s a fucking killer,
killing everybody. We need to go.

SADIE
Okay, okay. I’ll take Crystal. Come
on honey.

LOGAN
Do you want to go with your mom?

SADIE
Of course she does.

Logan gives Crystal a look...

CRYSTAL
Yeah, I’ll go with her.

Everyone gets in their respective cars.

Sadie makes a wide u-turn and settles behind Logan, following
him down the driveway.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Logan revives Crystal and Maddie with Narcan, urging them to escape a nearby murderer. Their plans are interrupted when Sadie, Crystal's mother, arrives, creating a conflict between her protective instincts and the urgency to leave. Despite the danger, Crystal chooses to go with her mother, leading to a tense but resolved departure as both cars drive away.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Strong character interactions
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel rushed or forced in places

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension, introduces new conflicts, and advances the plot significantly. The introduction of Sadie adds depth to the story, and the use of Narcan spray devices adds a unique survival element. The dialogue and character interactions are engaging, keeping the audience on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of survival in a dangerous situation is well-executed, with the introduction of Narcan spray devices adding a unique twist. The scene effectively conveys the urgency and danger the characters are facing, setting up a compelling narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly in this scene, with the characters making crucial decisions and facing escalating danger. The introduction of Sadie and the resolution to leave Cliff's Edge add depth and momentum to the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a familiar situation of characters facing danger and making decisions under pressure. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show resilience and resourcefulness in the face of danger, with each playing a distinct role in the unfolding events. The introduction of Sadie adds a new dynamic to the group dynamics.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes in this scene, as they confront the reality of the danger they are in and make decisions that test their relationships and loyalties. The introduction of Sadie challenges the existing dynamics and forces the characters to adapt.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect themselves and their friends from the danger they are facing. This reflects their deeper need for safety and security.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to escape the dangerous situation they are in and get to safety. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing a life-threatening situation and making decisions that could determine their survival. The tension between the characters and the external threat of the killer raise the stakes significantly.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing obstacles and conflicting viewpoints that add to the suspense and uncertainty of the situation.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as the characters confront a killer on the loose and make decisions that could determine their survival. The introduction of Sadie adds a personal dimension to the danger they are facing, raising the stakes even further.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, as the characters decide to leave Cliff's Edge and face new challenges on the road. The introduction of Sadie and the resolution to escape add momentum and tension to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected arrival of the mother and the conflicting decisions the characters must make under pressure.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the characters' desire for safety and the mother's suggestion to wait for the police. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about taking immediate action in dangerous situations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and shock in the audience, as the characters face mortal danger and make difficult choices. The emotional impact is heightened by the introduction of Sadie and the sense of urgency in the situation.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and impactful, conveying the urgency and fear the characters are experiencing. The interactions between the characters reveal their personalities and motivations, driving the narrative forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, fast-paced action, and intense dialogue that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' plight.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively building tension and suspense as the characters navigate the dangerous situation.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by placing the characters in a high-stakes situation where they are trying to escape a dangerous environment. The urgency is palpable, especially with the introduction of Sadie, Crystal's mother, who complicates the escape plan.
  • The dialogue captures the panic and confusion of the characters well, particularly in the exchanges between Crystal, Logan, and Sadie. However, some lines feel a bit on-the-nose, such as Maddie's line about family therapy. This could be rephrased to sound more natural and less like a plot device.
  • The emotional stakes are high, but the scene could benefit from deeper character exploration. For instance, Crystal's feelings about her mother showing up could be more pronounced. Is she relieved, angry, or conflicted? This internal struggle could add depth to her decision to leave with Sadie.
  • The pacing is generally good, but the transition from the urgency of escaping to the confrontation with Sadie feels slightly abrupt. A moment of reflection or hesitation from Crystal could enhance the emotional weight of the decision she faces.
  • The scene ends with a somewhat anticlimactic resolution as everyone gets into their respective cars. While it makes sense for the plot, it might feel more impactful if there were a moment of hesitation or a last-minute decision that adds tension before they drive away.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Crystal expresses her conflicting emotions about her mother showing up. This could be done through internal monologue or a brief flashback that highlights their strained relationship.
  • Rework some of the dialogue to sound more natural and less expository. For example, instead of Maddie stating the obvious about the murderer, she could express her fear or urgency in a more personal way.
  • Introduce a moment of hesitation or conflict before Crystal decides to go with her mother. This could involve a brief exchange with Logan that highlights her internal struggle, making the decision feel more significant.
  • Enhance the tension by incorporating sensory details that reflect the urgency of the situation, such as the sound of sirens in the distance or the feeling of dread as they realize they might not be safe even in the car.
  • Consider ending the scene with a cliffhanger or a more dramatic moment, such as a sudden noise that suggests danger is still present, leaving the audience on edge as they transition to the next scene.



Scene 40 -  Confrontation and Catastrophe
INT. MINIVAN, DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS

Sadie drives. Crystal looks back at the house.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 83.


SADIE
So someone killed Elvis?

CRYSTAL
Mom. Someone killed everyone. Do
you get that?

SADIE
Yes, you don’t have to talk to me
like I’m an idiot. You left me a
dire message about Elvis, so I was
just bringing it up.

CRYSTAL
What the fuck is wrong with you?

Sadie SCREAMS and BACK HANDS Crystal.

SADIE
(building)
I am so sick of you talking to me
like this. You are the one who
fucked up. You are the one who
drove drunk. You are the one who
killed Mackenzie!

Crystal is shock, tears in her eyes.

SADIE (CONT’D)
So FUCK YOU!

Sadie exhales dramatically.

SADIE (CONT’D)
You don’t know how long I’ve been
waiting to say that you.

She looks at Crystal.

CRYSTAL
You did it.

SADIE
Did what?

CRYSTAL
Killed everyone. You’ve completely
fucking lost it.

Crystal moves to get out of the car but Sadie grabs her arm.

SADIE
What’re you doing?
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 84.


CRYSTAL
Getting away from you!

SADIE
Don’t gaslight me, Crystal!

CRYSTAL
You don’t even know what that
means!

Crystal gets out of the car and slams the door. She runs to
catch up to Logan’s car.

Sadie gets out of the car.

SADIE
Crystal, come back here!

Unbeknownst to everyone, behind them, the MASKED FIGURE
appears at the top of the driveway and walks toward Sadie.

SADIE (CONT’D)
Crystal!

The Figure plunges the knife through Sadie’s back.

Crystal spins around to just in time to see the Figure pull
the knife out.

Sadie crumples to the ground.

CRYSTAL
Mom!

The Figure approaches Crystal. She scrambles into the
backseat of Logan’s car.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a tense night-time confrontation in a minivan, Sadie confronts Crystal about her past mistakes, particularly a drunk driving incident that led to Mackenzie's death. As emotions escalate, Sadie physically attacks Crystal, who attempts to flee amidst accusations of gaslighting. Just as Crystal runs towards another car, a masked figure suddenly appears and fatally stabs Sadie, shocking Crystal and abruptly ending their heated argument.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional confrontations
  • Shocking betrayal and murder
  • High stakes and tension
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity in some character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, with a mix of emotional depth, tension, and shocking events that keep the audience engaged and on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of betrayal, murder, and high stakes in a horror setting is executed effectively, creating a sense of dread and suspense.

Plot: 9

The plot is intense and gripping, with multiple twists and turns that keep the audience guessing and invested in the outcome.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on themes of guilt and betrayal, with unexpected twists and revelations that keep the audience engaged. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and emotionally resonant, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their emotional arcs add depth to the scene, especially the complex relationship between Crystal and her mother.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional turmoil and revelations, particularly Crystal and her mother, leading to potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Sadie's internal goal in this scene is to confront Crystal about her past mistakes and assert her own feelings of anger and betrayal. This reflects Sadie's need for closure and validation of her emotions.

External Goal: 7

Sadie's external goal is to confront Crystal about her role in a past tragedy and prevent her from leaving the car. This reflects the immediate challenge of addressing unresolved issues and preventing further conflict.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with emotional, physical, and moral dilemmas driving the narrative forward and keeping the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, with conflicting goals and values driving the conflict between Sadie and Crystal. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the scene's suspense and emotional impact.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing life-threatening situations, betrayal, and murder, adding urgency and tension to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, escalating tension, and setting up future events, driving the narrative towards its climax.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden and shocking plot developments, such as Sadie's confrontation with Crystal and the appearance of the masked figure. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of guilt, responsibility, and betrayal. Sadie and Crystal have conflicting beliefs about who is to blame for past events, leading to a clash of values and perspectives.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, including fear, sadness, and shock, making it a memorable and impactful moment in the story.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the characters' emotions and motivations effectively, adding to the tension and drama of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, shocking plot twists, and high stakes. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and motivations, eager to see how the confrontation will unfold.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of conflict leading to a climactic moment of violence. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines are concise and effective in setting the scene and conveying the characters' movements.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and coherent structure, with a buildup of tension leading to a climactic confrontation and a shocking plot twist. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the characters' emotions and motivations.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the heightened tension between Sadie and Crystal, showcasing their fraught relationship. The dialogue is sharp and confrontational, which adds to the emotional stakes. However, the transition from their argument to the violent climax feels abrupt. The emotional buildup could benefit from a more gradual escalation to enhance the shock of Sadie's stabbing.
  • Sadie's backhanding of Crystal is a pivotal moment that illustrates the breakdown of their relationship, but it may come off as too sudden and extreme without sufficient buildup. This action could alienate some viewers if they don't feel the emotional weight of the preceding dialogue justifies such a violent reaction.
  • The dialogue is strong, but some lines, particularly Sadie's, could be more nuanced. For instance, instead of just stating 'You are the one who fucked up,' she could express her pain and frustration in a way that reveals more about her character's emotional state and history with Crystal.
  • The introduction of the masked figure is effective in creating suspense, but the scene could benefit from foreshadowing earlier in the script. Subtle hints about the figure's presence or the escalating danger could enhance the impact of the reveal.
  • Crystal's reaction to her mother's accusation about Mackenzie feels genuine, but the emotional stakes could be heightened by showing more of her internal struggle. A brief moment of reflection or a flashback could deepen the audience's understanding of her trauma and guilt.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of silence or a pause after Sadie's backhand to allow the weight of the action to resonate with the audience before the violence escalates.
  • Enhance the dialogue by incorporating more subtext. For example, Sadie could reference specific memories or feelings about Mackenzie that would make her anger more relatable and complex.
  • Introduce the masked figure earlier in the scene, perhaps through a shadow or a sound, to build tension and anticipation before the violent climax.
  • Explore Crystal's emotional state more deeply. A brief internal monologue or a visual cue could help convey her turmoil and make her reaction to her mother's accusations more impactful.
  • Consider revising the pacing of the scene to allow for a more gradual buildup of tension, leading to the climax. This could involve extending the argument or adding moments of hesitation or reflection between the characters.



Scene 41 -  Desperate Encounters
INT. LOGAN’S CAR, DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS

Crystal slams the door shut.

CRYSTAL
Go, go, go!

Crystal’s crying.

LOGAN
I’m sorry, Crystal.

MADDIE
Yeah, dude, I’m sorry about your
mom.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 85.


Logan sees that the Figure is walking toward them between his
car and Sadie’s car.

He shifts into REVERSE, slams on the gas - he drives the rear
right into the Figure, pinning them between the two cars.

MADDIE (CONT’D)
Go, go, go!

LOGAN
No, let’s see who it is!

CRYSTAL
No! Let’s fucking go!

The Figure is limp, slumped over on Logan’s trunk.

LOGAN
They’re dead. We’re fine.

Logan gets out of the car.


EXT. DRIVEWAY, CLIFF'S EDGE TEEN TREATMENT - CONTINUOUS

Logan cautiously walks toward the slumped Figure. The knife
sits on the trunk.

Logan reaches to remove their mask - revealing:

MAY THE ART THERAPIST - she springs to life, grabs the knife,
and stabs Logan in the throat.

From inside the car, Crystal and Maddie SCREAM.


INT. LOGAN’S CAR, DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS

Crystal scrambles into the driver’s seat and floors it.


EXT. DRIVEWAY, CLIFF'S EDGE TEEN TREATMENT - CONTINUOUS

May falls to the floor beside Logan who’s bleeding out.

LOGAN
May?

May stands up.

MAY
I’m just finishing what I started.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 86.


LOGAN
Huh?

Logan fades and goes limp.

May walks down the driveway toward Logan’s car.


INT. LOGAN'S CAR, DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS

Crystal floors it onto the main road - CRASH!

An oncoming car smashes into them - the car spins around.


EXT. MAIN ROAD - CLIFF'S EDGE - CONTINUOUS

The other car is deep into the forest - the driver
incapacitated.

Logan’s car is horizontal across the 2-lane road.

Crystal and Maddie are knocked out.


INT. LOGAN’S CAR, DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS

Crystal comes to - in the distance she sees May walking
toward her with a knife.

She looks over to Maddie - still knocked out.

CRYSTAL
Maddie, let’s go!

Crystal shakes her but she doesn’t wake up.

Crystal throws the driver door open and crawls out away from
May.

May hovers over Crystal...

MAY
Miserable little fucks. All of you.

Crystal’s eyes go wide as she looks behind May.

Sadie is flooring her minivan, plowing toward them.

Crystal rolls out of the way as the minivan rams into May -
her body tumbling over the top and landing hard on the road.

Sadie crashes into the forest.
Pink Rev. (07/12/24) 87.


Crystal takes in the scene, keeping an eye on May who’s body
is contorted and mangled.

CRYSTAL
Mom!

After a long moment, the minivan’s driver door flings open.

Sadie steps out as Crystal gets to her feet.

Crystal runs to her mother and they embrace in a desperate,
loving hug.

SADIE
I’m sorry, honey. I couldn’t
imagine losing you too!

FADE TO BLACK.


SUPER IN/OUT: “ONE YEAR LATER”

FADE IN:
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a tense driveway confrontation, Crystal urges Logan to escape from a mysterious Figure, who is revealed to be May, the art therapist. After Logan is fatally attacked by May, Crystal crashes the car, leaving her and Maddie unconscious. Upon regaining consciousness, Crystal sees May approaching with a knife, but her mother, Sadie, arrives just in time to save her by crashing into May. The scene concludes with a heartfelt reunion between Crystal and Sadie, highlighting their emotional bond amidst the chaos.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Unexpected twists
  • Emotional depth in characters
  • High stakes and tension
Weaknesses
  • Potentially overwhelming violence
  • Complexity of plot twists

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, with a mix of tension, emotion, and violence that keeps the audience engaged and on edge. The unexpected twists and high stakes contribute to a gripping narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a final confrontation with a masked figure, the revelation of the true antagonist, and the dramatic escape attempt create a thrilling and suspenseful climax to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot is intense and fast-paced, with multiple shocking events unfolding one after another. The scene moves the story forward significantly and resolves several key conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique and unexpected elements, such as the sudden attack by May the art therapist and the dramatic car crash. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add to the tension of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show depth and emotion, with moments of vulnerability and desperation. Their reactions to the escalating events add to the tension and drama of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes during the scene, facing their fears, making tough decisions, and experiencing loss and betrayal.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to survive and protect her loved ones in the face of danger. This reflects her deep need for safety and security.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to escape the immediate threat and danger posed by the figure and the violent events unfolding around them.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with physical, emotional, and moral dilemmas driving the characters' actions and decisions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing life-threatening danger and making difficult choices that challenge their survival.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters' lives on the line, betrayals revealed, and the true antagonist unmasked. The tension and danger are palpable throughout.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward towards its climax, resolving key conflicts and setting up the final act of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden and shocking events that unfold, such as May's attack and the car crash, keeping the audience guessing about what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' choices in a life-threatening situation. It challenges their beliefs about survival, morality, and the value of human life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, from fear and shock to sadness and desperation. The characters' struggles and sacrifices resonate on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and motivations effectively. It adds to the tension and conflict in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, emotional stakes, and unexpected plot twists that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast-paced and intense, with a rhythm that builds tension and suspense effectively, leading to a dramatic climax.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions that enhance the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, with a buildup of tension, a climax of violence, and a resolution that leaves room for further development.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and urgency, particularly through the dialogue and the physical actions of the characters. Crystal's emotional state is palpable, and her desperation is well conveyed, which heightens the stakes as they face the threat of May.
  • The pacing is generally strong, with quick cuts between the action in the car and the unfolding chaos outside. However, there are moments where the transitions could be smoother to maintain the flow of tension. For instance, the shift from Logan's decision to investigate to the violent confrontation with May feels abrupt and could benefit from a more gradual build-up.
  • Logan's character is portrayed as brave but also somewhat reckless, which adds complexity to his role. However, his decision to get out of the car after pinning May could be seen as inconsistent with the urgency of the situation. This moment might confuse the audience about his priorities and instincts in a life-threatening scenario.
  • The dialogue is effective in conveying the characters' emotions, but it could be enhanced by adding more subtext. For example, instead of just saying 'Go, go, go!', Crystal could express her fear more vividly, perhaps by referencing her mother or the trauma they've just experienced. This would deepen the emotional impact of her urgency.
  • The reveal of May as the antagonist is a strong twist, but it could be foreshadowed more subtly earlier in the script. Perhaps hints of her instability or previous interactions with the kids could create a more cohesive narrative thread leading to this moment.
  • The final embrace between Crystal and Sadie is emotionally charged, but it could be more impactful if it included a moment of reflection or acknowledgment of their shared trauma. This would provide a more satisfying emotional resolution to their conflict and the chaos they've just endured.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of hesitation or internal conflict for Logan before he decides to get out of the car. This could heighten the tension and make his character's actions more relatable.
  • Enhance the dialogue to include more emotional depth and subtext, allowing characters to express their fears and motivations more clearly.
  • Introduce subtle foreshadowing of May's character earlier in the script to create a stronger narrative connection to her reveal as the antagonist.
  • Smooth out the transitions between the action sequences to maintain a consistent pace and flow, ensuring that the audience remains engaged without feeling jolted by abrupt changes.
  • In the final embrace, consider adding a line or two that reflects on their shared experiences, which would deepen the emotional resonance of the moment and provide closure to their arc.



Scene 42 -  Tension in Transit
INT. MINIVAN, OFFICE BUILDING - MORNING

In the back seat sits a terrarium with ELVIS II THE TARANTULA
- his eight eyes stare ahead at.

Sadie driving and Crystal in the passenger seat...

SCREAMING AT EACH OTHER...

Crystal gets out of the car and slams the door.

Sadie follows Crystal into the building...

The door closes behind them, in white lettering:

“FAMILY THERAPY”.

THE END.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a minivan parked outside a family therapy office, Sadie and Crystal engage in a heated argument, reflecting deep-seated issues in their relationship. The presence of Elvis II the Tarantula in a terrarium symbolizes the escalating tension. Crystal, overwhelmed, exits the vehicle and slams the door, prompting Sadie to follow her into the therapy building. The scene captures the chaotic emotional state of both characters, leaving their conflict unresolved as they prepare for their session.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional moments
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Complex character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potentially overwhelming amount of plot twists and revelations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is gripping, emotionally charged, and filled with suspense, making it highly engaging for the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of family dynamics, past trauma, and the horror of a masked killer creates a unique and compelling storyline.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate, filled with twists and turns, and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar theme of relationship conflict by incorporating elements of family therapy and a tarantula as a symbolic presence. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, each with their own motivations and conflicts, adding depth to the story.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes, revealing new layers to their personalities and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

Sadie's internal goal in this scene is likely to resolve the conflict with Crystal and possibly address underlying issues in their relationship. This reflects her deeper need for connection and understanding.

External Goal: 7

Sadie's external goal in this scene is to attend family therapy with Crystal, indicating a desire to work on their relationship and communication issues.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters, the masked killer, and their own inner demons creates a high level of tension and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the conflict between Sadie and Crystal creating a sense of uncertainty and challenge for the characters.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high, with characters' lives on the line, deep emotional wounds being exposed, and the threat of a masked killer looming over them.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information, escalating the conflict, and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected resolution in family therapy and the unresolved tension between Sadie and Crystal.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between personal growth and maintaining relationships. Sadie and Crystal's argument highlights differing values and beliefs about how to address their issues.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene is emotionally intense, with heartbreaking moments and shocking revelations that leave a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense conflict between Sadie and Crystal, the mystery of their relationship dynamics, and the anticipation of what will happen in family therapy.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to the climactic moment of entering family therapy.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for a screenplay in its genre.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene effectively sets up the conflict between Sadie and Crystal, leading to the resolution in the family therapy setting. It follows the expected format for a dramatic scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the heightened tension between Sadie and Crystal, which is a culmination of their fraught relationship throughout the screenplay. However, the dialogue could be more specific to reflect their unique voices and the emotional stakes involved. Currently, it feels somewhat generic and lacks the depth that would make their conflict resonate more with the audience.
  • The visual element of the terrarium with Elvis II the Tarantula is a strong metaphor for Crystal's emotional state and the tension in their relationship. However, the scene could benefit from more descriptive language that emphasizes the symbolism of the tarantula, perhaps by showing how Crystal interacts with it or how it reflects her feelings of being trapped.
  • The abruptness of Crystal exiting the vehicle and slamming the door is impactful, but it could be enhanced by including a moment of hesitation or a significant line of dialogue that encapsulates her emotional turmoil. This would provide a stronger emotional payoff for the audience.
  • The transition to the 'FAMILY THERAPY' sign is effective in signaling the shift in their relationship dynamics, but it could be more visually striking. Consider incorporating a more dramatic visual cue or sound effect that underscores the gravity of the moment as they enter therapy.
  • The scene lacks a clear emotional arc or resolution, which may leave the audience feeling unsatisfied. While it is the end of the screenplay, it would be beneficial to hint at the potential for growth or change in their relationship, even if it is subtle.
Suggestions
  • Revise the dialogue to include more specific and personal grievances that reflect the history between Sadie and Crystal. This will make their argument feel more authentic and relatable.
  • Enhance the symbolism of the tarantula by incorporating more descriptive language or actions that connect Crystal's feelings to the creature, such as her touching the terrarium or expressing her fears about it.
  • Add a moment of hesitation or a poignant line before Crystal exits the car to deepen the emotional impact of her decision to leave.
  • Consider using a more dramatic visual or auditory cue when transitioning to the 'FAMILY THERAPY' sign, such as a close-up of the sign with a haunting sound or a lingering shot that emphasizes the weight of their situation.
  • Include a brief moment of reflection or a hint at potential reconciliation between Sadie and Crystal as they enter therapy, which could provide a more satisfying conclusion to their tumultuous journey.