Read Wind with its analysis


See Full Analysis here



Scene 1 -  The Clash of Ambition and Authority
EXT. ISLAND - DAY
Atlantis. Greatest of cities in a time before there was
time. Concentric circles of raised earth protect a vast
inner island complex. Fertile plains, lush with bountiful
grains, surround the city center. Strange circular patterns
are shaped within the crops.

At the center of the citadel sits a towering temple pyramid
of shimmering gold-red metal. Odd machines come and go in
every direction by land, sea, and sky.

Three ornately dressed military men approach the temple
entrance. Guards salute them with hands across chest.

INT. TEMPLE - DAY

A young man kneels at an altar before an enormous blue-hued
statue of Poseidon -- God of the Sea and Storms.
SIMETH is a perfect mixture of every race of humanity. He
too is dressed in military garb. He wears a bicorn hat with
golden trim and strange feathers running down the center.
5.

The three men stop behind him and look at each other. The
smaller of the three, SAHEB, speaks.

SAHEB
The Athenians approach...

Simeth remains in his prayers.

Saheb looks at the others and they shrug. He takes a deep
breath and tries again.

SAHEB
KING MENES commands that I am to
keep the mechanism.

SIMETH cracks his eyes and glares at him.

SAHEB
The fleet is to engage at --

Simeth rises to his feet and approaches. They wait for him
to speak. He brushes between them and departs the temple.
Saheb turns to the others.

SAHEB
That went better than expected.

INT. PALACE - DAY

King Menes sits at a resplendent throne in an immaculately
adorned room. Crystal clear water flows from fountains
adjoining each side. Dutiful courtiers urgently address him
as they pour over voluminous papyrus scrolls.

Simeth bursts in.

SIMETH
It's mine!

KING MENES
(looking up from scroll)
Good Waves to you, boy. I trust
that you are blessed this day?

SIMETH
You know that the mechanism is my
work and mine alone! No one else
knows what it can do.

KING MENES
We have our plans. There should be
another way to --

SIMETH
There is no other way!

Courtiers meekly stop what they are doing and look at the
king as the room falls deathly silent.
6.

KING MENES
(motions to courtiers)
Leave us.

They scramble and King Menes looks at Simeth.

KING MENES
Come with me, my son...

EXT. ARBORETUM - NIGHT

King Menes and Simeth are walking among a score of oddly
flowering deep-green plants that no modern eye has seen.
The king admires them and cares for them as they pass.

KING MENES
With the manuscript nearly
complete, all the secrets of my
life's work will soon be revealed.
It is my gift to our people.

SIMETH
These plants and your esoteric book
will no more save Atlantis than
your navy. You dream.

They approach the railing of a grand balcony adorned with
intricate tapestries fluttering in the brilliant moonlight.

KING MENES
A glorious wind! Wouldn't it be
splendid to grab a spear and hunt
some megatooth past the straights?
Like when you were a boy?

Simeth demurs and shakes his head.
KING MENES
Good days were they. Pity the days
that have found us now. I fear our
fortunes may soon find us beneath
the waves. Go ahead. See for
yourself.

King Menes motions to a huge golden telescope fixed towards
the vast sea. Simeth hesitates but the king urges him on.

We see through the lens a grand fleet of ships. They are
cutting through the waves and heading straight for Atlantis.

KING MENES
FIRESHIPS. Over one hundred. Nine
scores of stout oarsmen on each.
All due us at dawn.
A shocked Simeth turns from the telescope to face the king.
7.

KING MENES
I know our sailors are the fittest
of all the sea peoples. With them
we have a chance.

The king stands immediately next to Simeth. He puts his
hands on his shoulders.

KING MENES
Our wonders are the envy of every
capital. It is true. But THAT
POWER is our enemy today.

SIMETH
Don't you see? With the mechanism
in my hands I will crush the
Athenians. And soon after I will
rid this city of all usurpers and
claim what is rightfully mine.

KING MENES
Indeed. The mechanism holds great
secrets. Never before seen by any
mortal man. Only Poseidon himself
knows its limits.

SIMETH
And who better to guide the future
King than a god?

KING MENES
So you would share a seat with
Poseidon himself? That is not the
place of a human born. We are not
meant to dabble in their
machinations.
SIMETH
If you are not willing to do what
is necessary to lead this empire,
then step aside for someone who is.

King Menes strikes his son. Simeth turns from the king.

SIMETH
I am going to battle. You need not
fear not the Greeks, father.

KING MENES
It is not the Greeks I fear. It is
the gods.
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Fantasy"]

Summary In the ancient city of Atlantis, Simeth, a young military man, prays at a temple dedicated to Poseidon when he learns from Saheb about the approaching Athenians. He confronts King Menes, insisting on his ownership of a crucial defense mechanism and expressing his determination to fight. The king, worried about the impending battle and the power of the gods, tries to guide Simeth towards caution, but their heated exchange reveals a deep conflict. Ultimately, Simeth dismisses his father's warnings and prepares for battle, leaving King Menes anxious about the consequences.
Strengths
  • Rich world-building
  • Complex character dynamics
  • High tension and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Pacing could be tightened in certain moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up a complex relationship between the characters, introduces high stakes, and hints at a larger conflict to come.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of ancient Atlantis, the mysterious mechanism, and the power struggle between father and son is intriguing and well-developed.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging, with tension building as the conflict between the characters escalates and the impending threat of the approaching fleet looms.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the Atlantis myth, blending elements of advanced technology, political intrigue, and divine intervention. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, with clear motivations and conflicting desires that drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

Simeth shows defiance and determination, while King Menes reveals vulnerability and fear, indicating potential character growth and transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

Simeth's internal goal is to assert his ownership and control over the mechanism, showcasing his desire for power, recognition, and control.

External Goal: 7

Simeth's external goal is to defend Atlantis against the approaching Athenian fleet, reflecting the immediate threat and challenge he faces.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between father and son, as well as the external threat of the approaching fleet, creates a high level of tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals, power struggles, and uncertain outcomes, keeping the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with the fate of Atlantis hanging in the balance and the characters facing personal and existential challenges.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing key conflicts, motivations, and the imminent threat to Atlantis.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics, conflicting goals, and unexpected twists in character interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is evident in Simeth's desire for power and control, contrasting with King Menes' belief in the limits of mortal power and the role of gods in human affairs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact is strong, particularly in the confrontation between King Menes and Simeth, as well as the revelation of the impending danger.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is effective in revealing the characters' emotions and motivations, but could be more dynamic and impactful in certain moments.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its rich world-building, intense character conflicts, and high stakes. The dialogue and actions keep the audience invested in the unfolding drama.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals, character interactions, and shifts in emotional intensity.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character descriptions, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure with clear transitions between locations and character interactions, effectively building tension and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the stakes and the conflict between Simeth and King Menes, showcasing the tension between ambition and caution. However, the dialogue can feel a bit expository at times, particularly in Simeth's insistence on the mechanism being his alone. This could be streamlined to maintain a more natural flow.
  • Simeth's character is introduced as passionate and determined, but the scene could benefit from deeper emotional layers. For instance, exploring his motivations beyond ambition—perhaps a personal connection to the mechanism or a past failure—could make him more relatable and complex.
  • The setting of Atlantis is vividly described, but the scene could use more sensory details to immerse the audience. Incorporating sounds, smells, or tactile sensations could enhance the atmosphere and make the grandeur of Atlantis more palpable.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. The transition from the temple to the palace is abrupt, and the emotional weight of Simeth's confrontation with his father could be heightened by lingering on their reactions and the environment. This would allow the audience to absorb the gravity of the situation.
  • King Menes' character comes across as wise but somewhat passive. To create a more dynamic interaction, consider giving him a stronger counter-argument or a moment of vulnerability that reveals his fears about the impending battle and the gods. This would add depth to their relationship.
Suggestions
  • Revise the dialogue to reduce exposition and allow for more subtext. For example, instead of Simeth stating that the mechanism is his alone, he could express his frustration through a more emotional outburst that hints at his past experiences.
  • Add a flashback or a brief moment of reflection for Simeth that reveals his personal stakes in the battle, making his motivations clearer and more relatable to the audience.
  • Incorporate more sensory details in the descriptions of Atlantis and the temple, such as the sound of waves crashing, the scent of salt in the air, or the warmth of the sun, to create a more immersive experience.
  • Slow down the pacing during the confrontation between Simeth and King Menes. Allow for pauses in their dialogue to emphasize the weight of their words and the tension in their relationship.
  • Develop King Menes' character further by giving him a moment of doubt or fear that contrasts with Simeth's bravado. This could be a line where he reflects on the consequences of war, adding complexity to his role as a father and king.



Scene 2 -  The Mechanism of Desperation
EXT. DOCKS - DAY
A bell tolls. Sailors are boarding ships in the harbour of
Atlantis. Saheb leads his men in final preparations.
Simeth approaches.
8.

SAHEB
Simeth! What are you doing here?
The King said you would be at his
side.

SIMETH
Is the mechanism on board?

SAHEB
Of course, sire. It is under
guard. It will be safe. On that I
pledge my very life.

SIMETH
I am coming aboard.

SAHEB
But, sire --

SIMETH
No further discussion. Bring us to
the head of the fleet.

SAHEB
It shall be done.

Saheb reluctantly obeys. He calls out to the pilot to set a
course for the approaching ships.

SAHEB
Engage the engines! Battle
stations!

CUT TO:

Belowdecks is a line of large ceramic pots. They each have
copper rolls and iron rods coming out the top of them. They
begin to glow and we see they are connected to conduits that
power enormous fan blades placed behind the sails of the
ship. Saheb grins and pats Simeth on the back.

The huge ship begins cutting the waves. Simeth pulls a
telescope out of his pocket and approaches the bow. Saheb
follows him.

Simeth studies the horizon. The enemy is near. He motions
to Saheb, who signals some sailors to squeeze a huge bellows
connected to a giant horn. The battle is begun.

EXT. OCEAN - DAY

Grim-faced and helmeted Greek seamen guide their swift
vessels among the Atlantian fleet. They are masters of
strategy and quickly several Atlantian ships are lost.
Saheb holds a large blue flag. He raises and drops it and
huge doors open up on the upper decks of the Atlantian
ships. Out of the doors fly piloted gyrocopters that circle
the Greek ships dropping bombs from overhead.
9.

As the flying machines attack, Greek engineers are seen
readying strange cannons at the stern of their oarships.
Simeth and Saheb look on in horror as enormous streaks of
scorching liquid-fire ignite the copters in mid-flight.

SAHEB
By the Winds of Amphrite! They
will destroy us all.

SIMETH
Pull the fleet back! We'll regroup
and that will give us time to
prepare the mortars.

SAHEB
It cannot be done! Their numbers
are too many.

Simeth brushes past Saheb and makes his way belowdecks.

SAHEB
Where are you going?

INT. SHIP - DAY

Simeth rushes down the steps and approaches the men who have
been ordered to guard the mechanism. They are surprised to
see him.

ATLANTIAN GUARD
My lord. How goes the battle?

SIMETH
The Greeks have won the day -- now
let me at the mechanism.

ATLANTIAN GUARD
But, sir. We have orders from the
king that no one is to touch the
mechanism and --

SIMETH
Forget the king!

Saheb appears.

SAHEB
I won't let you do this, Simeth.

The guards look at each other but continue to stand their
ground.

SIMETH
You don't understand. No man knows
what this can do but I --
10.

SAHEB
I have never feared telling you the
truth, Simeth. Even back at the
Academy. This time is no
different. DO NOT do it.

Simeth grabs the mechanism. Saheb grabs his arm but Simeth
ignores him and walks back up the stairs.

The guards reach for their cutlasses but Saheb calms them.
Genres: ["Action","Adventure","Fantasy"]

Summary As the Atlantian fleet prepares for battle against the Greeks, Saheb, the crew leader, faces an unexpected challenge when Simeth insists on joining the fight and accessing a crucial mechanism on board. Despite Saheb's objections and concern for Simeth's safety, the urgency of the situation escalates as the battle begins, leading to heavy losses for the Atlantian forces. Tension mounts between the two as Simeth disregards the king's orders, determined to use the mechanism as their only hope for survival. The scene culminates with Simeth heading belowdecks to the mechanism, leaving Saheb in a state of protest and worry.
Strengths
  • Innovative technology
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • High-stakes battle setup
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched elements in character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up a high-stakes battle with innovative technology and internal conflict, creating tension and drama.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using advanced technology in a fantasy world to engage in a battle is unique and engaging.

Plot: 8

The plot advances with the introduction of the battle and the internal conflict between characters, keeping the audience engaged.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique technological elements like fan blades and piloted gyrocopters, blending ancient and futuristic elements effectively. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show determination, ambition, and defiance, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

Simeth shows a change in his ambition and defiance, setting up potential character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Simeth's internal goal is to prove his worth and capabilities in the face of a challenging battle. He wants to show his leadership and decision-making skills.

External Goal: 9

Simeth's external goal is to strategize and lead his fleet to victory against the Greek seamen.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between characters and the impending battle create a high level of tension and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the Greek seamen posing a significant threat to the Atlantian fleet.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the battle and the internal conflict raise the tension and importance of the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the battle and the internal conflict, setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the battle and the characters' decisions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between loyalty to the king and the greater good of the kingdom. Simeth must choose between following orders and taking risks to save his people.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, determination, and conflict in the characters, resonating with the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and conflict between characters, driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, intense action, and character dynamics.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for an action-packed battle scene, with clear pacing and rising tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the urgency and tension of the impending battle, showcasing Simeth's determination and the stakes involved. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to enhance the emotional weight of the conflict between Simeth and Saheb. Currently, their exchanges feel somewhat straightforward and could be enriched with underlying motivations or fears.
  • The transition from the docks to the ship's interior is somewhat abrupt. A smoother transition could help maintain the scene's momentum and provide a clearer visual flow for the audience. Consider adding a brief moment that highlights the atmosphere of the docks before diving into the mechanics of the ship.
  • While the introduction of the mechanism is intriguing, the description could be more vivid to help the audience visualize its significance. Instead of simply stating that it is under guard, consider illustrating its appearance and the awe it inspires in the characters. This would elevate the stakes and make Simeth's desire to access it more compelling.
  • The conflict between Simeth and Saheb is central to the scene, but Saheb's reluctance could be more pronounced. Adding a moment where Saheb expresses his fears about the mechanism or the battle could deepen the emotional stakes and make the audience more invested in his character.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, particularly in the transition from the ship's preparations to the battle. Allowing for a moment of reflection or a brief exchange between Simeth and Saheb before the chaos ensues could heighten the tension and give the audience a moment to absorb the gravity of the situation.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more subtext in the dialogue between Simeth and Saheb to reveal their deeper fears and motivations. This could involve Saheb expressing personal stakes or past experiences that inform his reluctance to let Simeth take control of the mechanism.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions of the ship and the mechanism to create a more immersive experience for the audience. Use sensory details to evoke the atmosphere of the docks and the ship's interior, making the stakes feel more tangible.
  • Consider adding a moment of hesitation or reflection for Simeth before he rushes to the mechanism. This could serve to heighten the tension and allow the audience to connect with his internal struggle.
  • Expand on Saheb's character by giving him a moment to articulate his fears about the battle and the mechanism. This would not only deepen his character but also create a more compelling conflict between him and Simeth.
  • Slow down the pacing slightly during the transition from the ship's preparations to the battle. A brief moment of calm or a significant exchange could serve to amplify the impending chaos and make the audience more invested in the outcome.



Scene 3 -  The Cataclysm of Atlantis
EXT. SHIP - DAY

Simeth holds a moment, admiring the beauty of the enigmatic
thing. It is a small, meticulously constructed wooden case
with a delicate latch on the side.

With battle raging, he releases the latch. The front panel
swings open. It reveals a glimmering series of intricately
designed metal cogs. A replica of Poseidon is carved into
the top.

It glows on his face as he grasps a small handle on the
side. Silently and instinctively he begins to turn it. The
cogs rotate together but nothing seems to be happening.

He releases the handle and is shocked to see that the cogs
continue to turn. He can't believe it as they gather
momentum. They begin to hum and glow.

A series of flashes line up along the concentric circles of
the island of Atlantis. The sun and moon and stars above do
the same. The humming grows louder and louder.

Simeth drops the mechanism and covers his ears.

CUT TO:
Back at the temple, the tip of Poseidon's trident begins to
glow. It turns a deep blue and a sudden streak explodes
from out the top of the pyramid.

Simeth gets to the railing to see the blue streak reach all
the way into the clouds.

To his horror the moon and planets above begin to align with
the blue streak and we hear an enormous rumble. King Menes
looks out from his balcony and watches as the temple begins
to break apart under a terrible earthquake.

Saheb has joined Simeth.

SAHEB
What is this? What have you done?
SIMETH
I have opened the door.

Saheb looks confused.
11.

SIMETH
The Age of Posideon is now.

Out of terror, the bloodthirsty Greeks have given up the
fight and begun to retreat. The reason is clear.

An enormous tidal wave builds from destroyed Atlantis and
heads directly towards the ships at sea. King Menes and the
rest of the Atlanteans look on as the wave engulfs them all.

Saheb sees what is coming.

SAHEB
We are doomed!

Simeth looks to the other side of the ship and sees that a
giant whirling waterspout has formed in the storm. He
approaches the controls and pushes the pilot out of the way.

SAHEB
We cannot sail into it! You'll
break us apart!

Simeth grits his teeth and sets a course directly for the
waterspout as the Atlantean crew begin to abandon ship.

SAHEB
Madness! I won't let you.

He attempts to grab Simeth at the controls. Simeth catches
him and the two begin to fight it out on the deck.

The ship is sucked up into the waterspout and pulled skyward
as it circles round and round. The men continue fighting.

SAHEB
Don't you see? Your lust for power
has doomed Atlantis!

SIMETH
No! I was the only one who could
save her!

A BOLT of lightning shears off the back of the vessel.
Saheb is thrown back and barely manages to grab on. Simeth
stands over him and reaches out his arm to pull him back up.

SAHEB
Old friend... WHERE is your kingdom
now?

The men look eye to eye and Saheb slips away, tumbling head
over heals through the sky and vanishing into the clouds.
Simeth turns and drops to his knees. He covers his face
with his hands. He pounds his fists into the deck.

A blue trident appears in the sky. Simeth sees a blue flash
and everything goes to black.
12.
Genres: ["Action","Fantasy","Drama"]

Summary In a tumultuous scene aboard a ship, Simeth activates a mysterious mechanism, triggering cosmic alignments and a catastrophic earthquake in Atlantis. As a massive tidal wave threatens the ships at sea, Simeth and his friend Saheb engage in a heated argument that escalates into a physical struggle. Saheb attempts to prevent disaster, but ultimately falls to his doom as the ship is caught in a waterspout. Devastated by the loss of his friend and the chaos he has unleashed, Simeth watches as a blue trident appears in the sky, marking the impending doom of Atlantis.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Emotionally charged confrontations
  • Visually stunning imagery
  • Complex character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly melodramatic
  • Certain plot elements may require suspension of disbelief

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a mix of action, drama, and tragedy that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The emotional impact of the character dynamics and the high stakes involved contribute to a compelling narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of blending ancient mythology with advanced technology in a high-stakes battle setting is innovative and captivating. The use of the mechanism as a key plot device adds depth and complexity to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a clear progression towards the climax of the scene. The conflict between characters drives the narrative forward and leads to a dramatic resolution.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique blend of ancient mythology, mystical technology, and intense action sequences. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their motivations are clear, especially in the conflict between Simeth and Saheb. The emotional depth of their interactions adds complexity to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Simeth undergoes a significant transformation in the scene, from a power-hungry individual to a remorseful and broken figure. His actions lead to the downfall of Atlantis and ultimately change the course of his character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

Simeth's internal goal is to unlock the power of the mechanism and fulfill his destiny as the one who can save Atlantis.

External Goal: 9

Simeth's external goal is to stop the impending destruction of Atlantis caused by the alignment of the moon and planets.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving personal, political, and supernatural elements. The clash between characters and the impending destruction of Atlantis create a sense of urgency and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Simeth facing resistance from Saheb and the impending destruction of Atlantis, creating a sense of uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are incredibly high, with the fate of Atlantis hanging in the balance. The characters' decisions have far-reaching consequences, leading to a catastrophic outcome that changes the course of the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by resolving key conflicts, revealing important plot developments, and setting the stage for future events. The fall of Atlantis marks a pivotal moment in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the plot, such as the sudden alignment of the moon and planets and the formation of a giant waterspout.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict is between Simeth's belief in his destiny to save Atlantis and Saheb's belief that Simeth's actions have doomed Atlantis.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and desperation to betrayal and tragedy. The high stakes and dramatic events heighten the emotional impact, leaving a lasting impression on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotion of the scene, particularly in the confrontations between characters. The exchanges between Simeth and Saheb reveal their conflicting desires and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, mystical elements, and dramatic conflict that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and description that maintains tension and momentum.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, rising action, climax, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and stakes, showcasing Simeth's reckless ambition and the catastrophic consequences of his actions. However, the transition from the mechanism's activation to the resulting chaos could be more gradual to enhance the sense of dread and inevitability.
  • The dialogue between Simeth and Saheb is impactful, but it could benefit from more emotional depth. Saheb's confusion and fear could be emphasized further to highlight the gravity of the situation and the weight of their friendship.
  • The visual descriptions are vivid, particularly the glowing mechanism and the tidal wave, but the pacing feels rushed in parts. Slowing down the action during key moments, such as the activation of the mechanism and the subsequent earthquake, would allow the audience to fully absorb the gravity of the events.
  • Simeth's character arc is compelling, but his motivations could be clearer. While his desire to save Atlantis is evident, exploring his internal conflict about the potential consequences of his actions would add depth to his character.
  • The climax of the scene, where Saheb falls to his doom, is dramatic but could be foreshadowed more effectively. Subtle hints earlier in the scene about the dangers of their actions could make this moment more impactful.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of hesitation for Simeth before he activates the mechanism, showcasing his internal struggle and the weight of his decision.
  • Enhance Saheb's character by giving him a line that expresses his fear for Simeth's safety, which would deepen their friendship and the tragedy of the moment.
  • Introduce a brief moment of calm before the chaos ensues, allowing the audience to feel the weight of the impending disaster and heightening the emotional stakes.
  • Incorporate more sensory details during the activation of the mechanism, such as sounds or smells, to immerse the audience in the moment and build tension.
  • Foreshadow Saheb's fate by including a line or visual cue earlier in the scene that hints at the dangers of their situation, making his fall feel more tragic and inevitable.



Scene 4 -  Whispers of the Prairie
EXT. PRAIRIE - DAY

Simeth SHOOTS awake as if from a dream. He lies in the
clearing of a strange and foreign land. He grabs his bicorn
hat from beside him and looks around.

In this place there is no water to be found. It's nothing
but rolling treeless hills of grass in every direction.
Sunflowers are blowing. He's fascinated by the head-sized
blooms. Starving, he breaks and eats some plentiful seeds.

Simeth finds a trickling stream and scoops up a drink. He
is shocked when an enormous bison herd stampedes over it in
the thousands. He gathers some wood from a few broken trees
and places it into a pile.

Simeth produces a small device from his pocket and triggers
it. It starts to spin rapidly with a faint glow. He places
it under the wood and it starts to smoke and then ignite.

EXT. CAMPSITE - NIGHT

Simeth searches the night sky with his telescope in a futile
attempt to figure out where he is. Locust swarms sing to
each other in the distant firmament.

Something kicks up the brush beyond the vision of his fire.
He jumps to his feet and strains his eyes to uncover the
source of this nothing.

Bounding across the fire is a mustang horse perfectly white
from head to hoof. It stops and turns its head to meet him
with its deep blue eyes.

The animal is in the prime of life. It is strength and
beauty like the fire itself.
SIMETH
I know whst you are. A son of
Poseidon, as am I. Please tell me.
What is this strange place?

The mustang stares and farts. The flickering embers dance
in the mustang's blue eyes. It runs away into the darkness.

Simeth shakes his head. He turns around and three Native
Americans are sitting on horses in the silence of night. He
never had a chance.

They wear the quiet like a cloak. The only sound is the
crackle of fire as they stare at Simeth.

He straightens himself. The natives have no fear. One of
their horses starts to kick up the dirt below its feet.
On pure instinct, Simeth raises his right arm and extends
his finger. He points where the mustang disappeared. He
holds his breath in silence and waits. Nothing happens.
13.

Simeth continues to hold his arm aloft and nods his head to
the strangers. The youngest of them, short but stout and
looking mean, suddenly gives a war cry.

SMALL HAWK raises his weapon and points at Simeth. The men
give their horses a firm kick and bound off into the
darkness. Small Hawk stares into Simeth's soul and then
follows after the others.

Simeth blinks after they go. He lowers his arm. A gust of
wind picks up and the campfire flames roar louder in the
emptiness of night. He takes a moment to wonder if he is
still alive.
Genres: ["Fantasy","Adventure","Drama"]

Summary Simeth awakens disoriented in a vast prairie, where he finds food and water but is soon startled by a bison stampede. After gathering wood and starting a fire, he observes the stars and encounters a mysterious white mustang, which he believes to be divine. His moment of wonder is interrupted by the silent arrival of three Native Americans, including Small Hawk, who gives a war cry before they ride off into the darkness, leaving Simeth in confusion and solitude as he contemplates his reality.
Strengths
  • Engaging concept
  • Mysterious tone
  • Intriguing setting
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue
  • Unclear resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively captures the audience's attention with its mysterious and intense tone, introducing new elements and raising questions about the protagonist's journey.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the protagonist finding himself in a strange land and encountering enigmatic characters is engaging and sets the stage for further exploration of the story.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the protagonist navigates this unfamiliar terrain and encounters new challenges, adding depth to the storyline.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique setting and situation, with elements of mystery, mythology, and cultural diversity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the overall sense of intrigue and tension.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The introduction of Native American characters adds diversity and intrigue to the scene, showcasing different perspectives and motivations.

Character Changes: 6

The protagonist undergoes a subtle shift in perspective as he encounters new challenges and characters, setting the stage for potential growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Simeth's internal goal in this scene is to understand where he is and how he ended up in this unfamiliar place. This reflects his deeper need for knowledge, security, and a sense of belonging.

External Goal: 7

Simeth's external goal is to survive and navigate the challenges of the prairie, including finding food, water, and shelter. This reflects the immediate circumstances and obstacles he is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between the protagonist and the Native American characters adds tension and uncertainty to the scene, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Simeth facing challenges from the unfamiliar environment, the mustang, and the Native Americans. The audience is left unsure of how he will navigate these obstacles.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes of the protagonist's journey in this unfamiliar land, facing unknown dangers and challenges, add tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new elements, conflicts, and challenges for the protagonist to navigate, keeping the audience engaged and curious.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected appearance of the mustang, the Native Americans, and the tension-filled interactions between Simeth and the strangers.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Simeth's belief in his own identity as a son of Poseidon and the uncertainty and unfamiliarity of the world he finds himself in. This challenges his values, beliefs, and understanding of his place in the world.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of curiosity and fear in the audience, setting the emotional tone for the protagonist's journey.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal but effective in conveying the tension and mystery of the scene, leaving room for interpretation and exploration.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of mystery, action, and character development. The unexpected events and interactions keep the audience intrigued and invested in Simeth's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of introspection and action, creating a sense of tension and anticipation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup in the prairie, a development of Simeth's interactions with the mustang and Native Americans, and a resolution with a sense of uncertainty and tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a stark contrast between Simeth's previous life in Atlantis and his current surroundings, which enhances the sense of disorientation and isolation. However, the transition from the chaos of Atlantis to the serene prairie could be more pronounced to emphasize the drastic change in setting and tone.
  • Simeth's initial actions, such as eating sunflower seeds and drinking from the stream, are relatable and help ground the character in this new environment. However, the scene could benefit from deeper internal monologue or reflection from Simeth to convey his emotional state more vividly, especially after the traumatic events he just experienced.
  • The introduction of the mustang as a mystical creature is intriguing, but the dialogue feels somewhat forced. Simeth's declaration about the mustang being a 'son of Poseidon' lacks subtlety and could be rephrased to sound more natural and less expository.
  • The encounter with the Native Americans is tense and mysterious, but it could be enhanced by providing more context about their presence and intentions. As it stands, their sudden appearance feels abrupt and could benefit from a more gradual build-up to create suspense.
  • The scene ends on a note of uncertainty, which is effective, but the final moment with Simeth questioning his own existence could be more impactful if it tied back to his previous experiences in Atlantis. This would create a stronger thematic connection between his past and present.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Simeth as he adjusts to his new surroundings, reflecting on his loss and confusion to deepen the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Rework Simeth's dialogue with the mustang to make it feel more organic. Perhaps he could express his thoughts more metaphorically or through a question that reflects his longing for guidance.
  • Introduce the Native Americans with more subtlety, perhaps through sounds or shadows before they fully appear, to build tension and intrigue about their intentions.
  • Enhance the visual imagery of the prairie to evoke a stronger sense of isolation and beauty, perhaps by describing the sounds and sights in more detail to immerse the audience in Simeth's experience.
  • Consider concluding the scene with a more definitive action or thought from Simeth that connects his current situation back to his identity as a warrior from Atlantis, reinforcing the theme of his journey.



Scene 5 -  Outsiders at the Frontier Station
EXT. STREET - DAY

The hustle and bustle of a thriving American frontier town.
WESTPORT is BOOMING as Simeth approaches. He keeps his hat
on tight as he heads down the main thoroughfare.

He attracts attention. An old man leans against a post and
spits out his tobacco while staring at the stranger.
Nervous ladies in dress quickly pass by. He tries to greet
them and they go faster in the other direction.

Simeth begins to grow frustrated when a whistle HOWLS
loudly. He looks over and sees a train resting at a
station. Curiosity overcomes him and he approaches.

The DRIVER pulls back on a lever and looks out the side
toward the rear of the train. He grabs a shovel and begins
to force coal into the open boiler. He is too consumed by
his work to acknowledge the Atlantean.

SIMETH
(hands making a cone over
his mouth)
How HOT?

Driver continues shoveling coal into the fire. He doesn't
turn and look in Simeth's direction. He didn't hear or
care.

SIMETH
I said -- how hot is it?

The Driver looks up and does a second take at Simeth. He is
not sure what to make of this stranger's foreign accent or
his unusual clothes.

DRIVER
What's that, partner?

SIMETH
Tell me. How hot must it get? For
locomotion?

Driver thrusts his shovel into the coal again and throws
another heaping supply into the boiler. He slams it shut
14.

and latches the door and turns to face Simeth. He removes
his cap and wipes his forehead with his sleeve.

DRIVER
In there? How hot?

SIMETH
For it to go.

DRIVER
(turns and points at
dial)
Oh about THREE-EIGHTY or so, I
reckon.

SIMETH
Of course! Liquified aether. But
how does it not sublimate when it
reacts to the spagyric carbonite?

DRIVER
Umm...yes. Lots of fire!

SIMETH
Where are you going?

DRIVER
WEST, young man! One day this line
will make transit all the way to
OREGON TERRITORY. Of course, it'll
be no thing to lay steel track
across all this ol' prairie. But
I've heard that the mountains out
that way are a mile high. Now
that's a boiler ain't it? But then
they said we'd never cross the
Mississippi, so what do I know?
SIMETH
And which way is the wind?

DRIVER
How's that? The wind? I'm not
sure I follow.

SIMETH
Does it lead you?

DRIVER
Lead? Well -- no. But does eat up
this here char with a quickness.
You know BACK EAST they're diggin'
up loads of slag in the old Blue
Ridge. It's the good stuff. Hot.
Ain't enough trees in this -- this
prairie -- to burn. You see...

SIMETH
So East? Tell me --
15.

A door flies open on the passenger car and a man is heard
barking orders at some people inside.

TICKET MAN
All right. That's it, bring him
on. End of the line for this one!

TICKET MAN waves his arm to motion the men inside to hurry.
They emerge, holding tightly to one arm each of the most
unusual sort of person that ever arrived at the frontier.
He is the BADPIPER.

They toss the man from the train and he lands with a thud on
the platform. They laugh as he brushes himself off.

TICKET MAN
That's right. They'll be none of
your kind on this passage! I
suggest you get yourself to the
river and find a flatboat before
the marshall finds you first!

BADPIPER
(back to his feet)
Awa'n bile yer heid, ya boggin'
dobber!

The men toss a giant case out of the train and Badpiper
dives out of its way. He looks up and sees Simeth standing
with Driver.

They size each other up for the first time. Badpiper is not
unlike Simeth, but he is. Thin but sturdy and full of the
fire of life. Something about him reminds Simeth of a
professional soldier but the outside is fighting everything
that is going on underneath.
Badpiper is dressed in a fine silken vest and around his
waist is the traditional sporran and kilt of plaid. He has
on tall leather boots which ride up to almost the knee.

His head is shaved on either side leaving a large spiked
mohawk down the middle. He is both dressed up and dressed
down. Badpiper realizes that Simeth has been studying him
and stands at attention.

BADPIPER
(raising to salute with
palm facing downward)
Ahoy, Admiral! All hands amidships
and none by the boards. Ha ha ha!

Simeth scoffs. A gentleman emerges from the train door.
He's an impeccably attired older man, rotund with a
handlebar mustache. A top hat rests on his head and a
platinum pocket watch dangles from his chest. He is the
boss and everybody, especially himself, knows it to be true.
16.

HURRYMAN
(to Badpiper)
And let it be known, sir. That
this NATION shall be populated by
gentlemen. No ruffians nor
highwaymen shall find safe passage
in THIS country!

Hurryman realizes that, most critically, his train is not
moving. He forgets about Badpiper and turns his attention
to the front of the train where Simeth is still standing
next to Driver. He points a finger at him.

HURRYMAN
I say. You there! What business
have you? Leave that man to his
work at once! Can you not see that
this locomotive must go? I'll not
soon delay it. Now step away and
let the man be!

Simeth acknowledges the command and Badpiper laughs out
loud. He mocks Hurryman's finger wagging.

HURRYMAN
(turning back towards his
men)
All right -- quickly now --
quickly! Haste is the word. Now
shut that door!

Badpiper proceeds to sit on his large case to light a
cigarette. He stares at Simeth as Driver turns his
attention back towards the engine.

Simeth leaves the train and looks back at Badpiper. The
whistle HOWLS again. Vapor billows from the smokestack as
the wheels begin to turn. Badpiper watches Simeth walk away
as he takes a drag from his cigarette. He releases a puff
equal to what's coming from the train.

CUT TO:

Near the outskirts of town, two large carriage wagons part
to reveal the facade of a humble shop. There is a faded
sign barely hanging from a beam above the clouded windows.
The sign reads: JOHN HENRY WAGON REPAIRS FULLY BONDED.
Simeth is standing across the street. Passers-by go out of
their way to avoid him as he crosses and heads towards the
door.
Genres: ["Western","Historical Fiction","Adventure"]

Summary In a bustling frontier town, Simeth, a curious outsider, attempts to engage with the locals, particularly a train driver, showcasing his foreign knowledge. The scene takes a humorous turn when the comical Badpiper is thrown off the train, leading to a lighthearted exchange between him and Simeth. However, Hurryman, a pompous figure, interrupts, insisting that Simeth leave the driver alone as the train prepares to depart. The scene concludes with Simeth walking away, leaving behind the lively train station.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing setting
  • Well-defined characters
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity on the overall direction of the plot

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces a new setting and characters, creating intrigue and setting up potential conflicts. The dialogue is engaging and the mix of genres adds depth to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of blending elements of Atlantis with the American frontier and steampunk technology is innovative and sets the scene apart. The introduction of the Badpiper character adds an interesting dynamic.

Plot: 7

The plot moves forward as Simeth encounters new characters and begins to navigate the unfamiliar setting. The introduction of the train and the conflict with Hurryman adds tension.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the American frontier setting by incorporating elements of steam technology and philosophical conflicts between tradition and progress. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Simeth and Badpiper, are intriguing and well-defined. Their interactions add depth to the scene and set up potential conflicts.

Character Changes: 6

There is some potential for character development, particularly for Simeth as he navigates the unfamiliar setting and encounters new challenges.

Internal Goal: 8

Simeth's internal goal in this scene is to understand the workings of the steam train and its technology, reflecting his curiosity and thirst for knowledge.

External Goal: 7

Simeth's external goal is to interact with the people in the town and potentially learn more about the train's destination and the people on board.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily driven by the clash of cultures and the introduction of new characters. The tension between Simeth and the locals adds to the conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, especially with the introduction of Badpiper and the contrasting values of the characters in the frontier town.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not incredibly high in this scene, the introduction of new characters and potential conflicts sets the stage for higher stakes in future developments.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new elements, setting up potential conflicts, and expanding the world of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions between characters, the introduction of the mysterious Badpiper, and the unresolved questions about the steam train and its destination.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the traditional frontier values represented by the old man and the modern technological advancements symbolized by the steam train. This challenges Simeth's beliefs about progress and tradition.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

While there is some emotional impact in the scene, particularly in the interactions between characters, the focus is more on setting up intrigue and tension.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals aspects of the characters' personalities. The exchange between Simeth and the Driver, as well as Badpiper, adds tension and intrigue.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mix of humor, tension, and mystery, keeping the audience intrigued about Simeth's goals and the unfolding events in the frontier town.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and curiosity, with a gradual reveal of information about the characters and setting, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a historical drama set in the American frontier, with clear character introductions, dialogue-driven interactions, and a gradual build-up of tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes Simeth's outsider status in the frontier town, using the reactions of the townsfolk to convey his foreignness. However, the initial interactions could benefit from more specificity in the townspeople's reactions to enhance the comedic and dramatic tension.
  • Simeth's dialogue with the Driver is intriguing but can feel disjointed at times. The technical jargon he uses may alienate the audience if not balanced with more relatable language. This could be streamlined to maintain engagement while still showcasing Simeth's intelligence.
  • The introduction of Badpiper is a highlight, but the transition from Simeth's conversation with the Driver to Badpiper's arrival feels abrupt. A smoother segue could enhance the flow of the scene and build anticipation for Badpiper's character.
  • Hurryman's character is introduced with a strong presence, but his motivations and personality could be fleshed out further. Adding a line or two that hints at his backstory or his relationship with the townsfolk could make him a more compelling antagonist.
  • The humor in the scene is effective, particularly in the exchanges between Simeth and the Driver, as well as Badpiper's introduction. However, the pacing could be improved by tightening some of the dialogue to maintain momentum and keep the audience engaged.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more descriptive actions or reactions from the townspeople to enhance the atmosphere and provide a clearer picture of Simeth's impact on the environment.
  • Streamline Simeth's technical dialogue to make it more accessible to the audience while still showcasing his knowledge. Perhaps include a moment where he realizes he needs to simplify his language to connect better with the Driver.
  • Create a more gradual transition between Simeth's conversation with the Driver and the arrival of Badpiper. Perhaps have Simeth notice the commotion at the train before Badpiper is thrown off, building anticipation.
  • Flesh out Hurryman's character by adding a line that hints at his motivations or his relationship with the train crew, making him a more rounded character and enhancing the conflict.
  • Tighten the dialogue throughout the scene to improve pacing. Consider cutting any repetitive lines or unnecessary exposition to keep the scene moving and maintain audience interest.



Scene 6 -  The Lost Traveler and the Rusty Wagon
INT. SHOP - DAY

The broken door CREAKS as Simeth sticks his head inside.
SIMETH
Salamo?
17.

There is no response. He goes in, slowly shutting the door
behind him. He squints and looks around.

SIMETH
Hello?

Again with no response, he begins to explore. Shiny and
unusual treasures hang from the walls. He sees leather
harnesses and handmade wheels. Simeth approaches and runs
his fingers across them, admiring the craftsmanship.

He lets go and looks around the room. Something in the back
corner catches his attention. A mysterious thing is covered
by a large tarp. He begins to slowly walk towards it.

A BARK! from a large dog gives him a start. He looks over
and sees an old hound has lifted up to his feet to make
himself known. Simeth smiles and approaches.

SIMETH
(petting)
Easy...ANUBIS. You guard these
treasures well.

The dog calls off the attack and whimpers as Simeth heads
towards the tarp in the back. The dog closely follows.

Under the tarp, Simeth sees the shape of something
resembling a large ship. The cover rolls over the peaks and
valleys of a wide frame, stretching over 20 feet and rising
to a point from aft to bow. Waves crash against Simeth's
fascinated mind as he imagines he has found a way home.

Simeth wants a better look. He blows away the dust and
holds up the fabric long enough to reveal a gloriously
knotted and worn frame of oak. He smiles and lays a hand
across the grain, feeling every imperfection. He takes a
deep breath as if sucking in the salty air of the sea.

JOHN HENRY
(out of nowhere)
WHAT YOU DOIN' BOY!

As if shot, Simeth releases the tarp. It kicks up a large
cloud of dust. He turns around to face the source of the
question.

Standing in a darkened doorframe we see an enormous figure.
JOHN HENRY is a large black man dressed in overalls and
apron carrying a blunt steel hammer. His face drips with
the sweat of a hard morning of work as he tightens his grip
on the hammer. Simeth doesn't have an answer.

JOHN HENRY
(pointing with hammer)
Yes you. What you doin' there?
18.

SIMETH
Fear not, Mauritanian. I mean you
no danger.

JOHN HENRY
Said what? You crazy or somethin'?

SIMETH
I... I am a lost traveller.

JOHN HENRY
Traveller? From where?

SIMETH
My home is Atlantis.

JOHN HENRY
Aww, you from Atlanta? No doubt? I
gotta cousin back that way. Ever
met Jerry Henry? Owes me three
dollars for that ol' way-side I put
up down on Peachtree Road. You
seen him?

SIMETH
No. I don't think so.

JOHN HENRY
Well you a long way from Georgia,
anyhow. What you take a jump off a
riverboat or something?

SIMETH
Sorry?

John Henry points his hammer at Simeth's strange clothes.
SIMETH
No. I fell from his majesty's
grand solar barge -- in battle --
near the PILLARS OF HERCULES.

JOHN HENRY
Uh huh. Alright look stranger as
you can see I got all kinds a work
around here this morning so if you
could kindly -- TRAVEL your behind
on out of here, I would be --

SIMETH
(points to tarp)
I need this ship.

JOHN HENRY
Say what? That Co--nes--togee
wagon? Now I am sure you really
are crazy.
19.

SIMETH
What do you mean?

JOHN HENRY
You know what you got to have to
drive that thing?

SIMETH
I do not.

JOHN HENRY
About eight draft studs and a
teamster man on each on side. And
what you got? A whole lot of
nothin' of everything. Now get on
up out of here.

John Henry grabs Simeth by the arm and begins to remove him.

SIMETH
I have cupronickels!

John Henry stops.

JOHN HENRY
Got what? Let's see it.

Simeth pulls some shiny silver coins from his pockets and
presents them to John Henry.

JOHN HENRY
(biting on coins)
Well why didn't you say so, son?
Looks like we might could work
something out, I do believe. But
you better step away from that
there Conestoga unless your
grandaddy was a draft horse!

SIMETH
Actually, he was the GREAT BULL OF
PYLOS.

JOHN HENRY
Yeah. All right, come on now.

John Henry leads Simeth back towards the front of the store.

JOHN HENRY
See that back there ain't no good
for what you need -- from what I
gather. You going back EAST?

SIMETH
That's right.
20.

JOHN HENRY
What you need, my friend, is
something that's got a little more
kick. Not that ol' duster back
over there!

SIMETH
Built for speed?

JOHN HENRY
(puts finger into
Simeth's chest)
That's right. Needs to get THE JOB
done! Yes indeed.

John Henry leads Simeth over to large set of doors near the
front of the shop. His garage.

JOHN HENRY
Look right in here -- now -- this
is just what I had in mind!

John Henry throws open the huge latch and kicks the doors.
He leaves Simeth standing and runs over to open a window.

JOHN HENRY
Got it. Just right here.

Simeth can't make anything out. John Henry lets the
sunlight in and a short and rusty wagon is revealed.

Simeth is less than overwhelmed. He raises an eyebrow and
watches John Henry rush over to grab it.

JOHN HENRY
(metal bits CLANGING to
floor)
Now. What we have here is the best
ol' wagon on the prairie. Used to
carry a dozen barrels of sour mash
whiskey out the ol' Oak Flats and
back in about two days time. It's
as bad and strong and fast as you
will need to go. I swear on that.

SIMETH
Looks inferior.

JOHN HENRY
Inf -- why this here wagon is made
to move! You'll never see no
trouble for sure cause you'll be
done past 'em by three counties.
Have 'em licked good. On that you
have my word.

SIMETH
It is fast?
21.

JOHN HENRY
You'll make a cannonball howl, son.

SIMETH
I am not convinced.

JOHN HENRY
Friend, I'll throw in my best mule
and an extra wheel on top of that.

SIMETH
(thinking)
My options are quite limited...

JOHN HENRY
Alright, then. It's a deal.

John Henry goes to shake Simeth's hand, but Simeth grabs him
by the wrist -- so they awkwardly embrace.

JOHN HENRY
Let's get you geared up now,
traveller.
Genres: ["Adventure","Fantasy","Western"]

Summary Simeth, a lost traveler from Atlantis, explores a cluttered shop in search of a man named Salamo but finds only a large dog named Anubis and an imposing figure named John Henry. After a humorous misunderstanding about his origins, Simeth piques John Henry's interest with cupronickels, leading to a negotiation for a rusty wagon instead of the coveted ship. The scene concludes with the two shaking hands on the deal, setting the stage for their future adventures.
Strengths
  • Unique blend of genres
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing setting
Weaknesses
  • Minimal emotional impact
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends different genres and tones, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the unfolding story. The introduction of the mysterious ship and the interaction between Simeth and John Henry add depth and intrigue to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a lost traveler from Atlantis encountering a larger-than-life figure in a Wild West setting is innovative and engaging. The scene introduces unique elements such as the mysterious ship and the interaction between the characters, setting the stage for further exploration of the story.

Plot: 7

The plot in this scene revolves around Simeth's search for a way home and his encounter with John Henry in the shop. While the plot progression is relatively simple, the introduction of the mysterious ship adds an element of intrigue and sets the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique blend of historical and fantastical elements, with authentic character actions and dialogue that add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Simeth and John Henry are well-developed and engaging. Simeth's curiosity and determination to find a way home contrast with John Henry's no-nonsense attitude, creating an interesting dynamic between the two characters.

Character Changes: 4

There is minimal character change in this scene, as Simeth remains determined to find a way home and John Henry maintains his no-nonsense attitude. The scene serves more as an introduction to the characters and setting rather than a moment of significant character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Simeth's internal goal is to find a way home, as indicated by his fascination with the large ship-like object covered by a tarp in the back of the shop.

External Goal: 7

Simeth's external goal is to acquire a suitable means of transportation to continue his journey back home.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a mild conflict between Simeth and John Henry regarding the ship, but it is resolved relatively quickly. The scene focuses more on introducing the characters and setting up future conflicts rather than intense confrontation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with John Henry's skepticism and practicality posing a significant challenge to Simeth's goals.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in this scene are relatively low, focusing more on Simeth's search for a way home and his encounter with John Henry. While there is a sense of mystery and intrigue, the immediate consequences for the characters are not life-threatening.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the mysterious ship and setting up future plot developments. Simeth's interaction with John Henry and the acquisition of the wagon propel the narrative forward and create anticipation for what comes next.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected interactions between Simeth and John Henry, adding tension and intrigue to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash between Simeth's belief in the importance of the ship and John Henry's practicality and skepticism towards its functionality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The emotional impact of the scene is relatively low, focusing more on curiosity and humor rather than deep emotional connections. However, the mysterious elements and the introduction of the ship add a sense of intrigue that may resonate with the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue between Simeth and John Henry is engaging and helps to reveal the personalities of the characters. The humorous exchanges and unique phrases add depth to the scene and keep the audience entertained.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of mystery, conflict, and character dynamics that keep the audience invested in Simeth's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, adhering to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure that builds tension and conflict effectively, fitting the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes Simeth's character as an outsider, which is crucial for the audience to understand his journey. However, the dialogue between Simeth and John Henry could benefit from more subtext to deepen their interaction. Currently, it feels somewhat surface-level, lacking emotional stakes or tension that could enhance their relationship.
  • John Henry's character is introduced with a strong physical presence, but his dialogue can come off as overly comedic and may detract from the gravity of Simeth's situation. Balancing humor with the seriousness of Simeth's quest could create a more engaging dynamic.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. The initial exploration of the shop is intriguing, but the transition to the dialogue with John Henry feels abrupt. A smoother transition could help maintain the scene's flow and keep the audience engaged.
  • The description of the ship under the tarp is vivid and imaginative, but it could be enhanced by incorporating Simeth's emotional response to the discovery. This would help the audience connect with his longing for home and the stakes involved in his quest.
  • The dialogue sometimes feels expository, particularly when Simeth explains his origins. Finding ways to convey this information more organically through action or subtext would make the scene feel more natural and immersive.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Simeth reflects on his past or his longing for Atlantis before he discovers the ship. This could deepen the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Introduce a moment of tension or conflict between Simeth and John Henry that goes beyond mere misunderstanding. Perhaps John Henry could initially view Simeth as a threat, which would create a more dynamic interaction.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere of the shop. Describe the sounds, smells, and textures that Simeth experiences as he explores, which would help immerse the audience in the setting.
  • Revise John Henry's dialogue to include more nuanced humor that reflects his character's personality while still allowing for moments of seriousness. This could create a more balanced tone throughout the scene.
  • Consider ending the scene with a stronger emotional beat, perhaps by having Simeth express a moment of hope or determination after making the deal with John Henry, reinforcing his quest and the stakes involved.



Scene 7 -  The Reluctant Companion
EXT. STREET - DAY

We are looking through a window frame. Across the street
the wagon is being prepared. Simeth is standing next to
John Henry as he hurriedly gets everything ready to go.

Inside the window, Badpiper is sitting in a barber's chair
with feet raised in quiet observation. The barber has
worked up a lather on the sides of Badpiper's head and is
slowly running a razor down one side from front to back.
The barber smiles and shakes his head as he finishes the
first pass. He wipes the foam from the razor.
We are following the path of the razor across Badpiper's
head when suddenly the blade begins cutting air.

Badpiper has risen to his feet and is making his way to the
door. The barber looks at him with confusion. Badpiper
removes his towel and wipes his head and throws the barber a
coin before stepping out.

Simeth is standing at the back of the wagon with his
attention directed towards John Henry.

SIMETH
So I have your word that these
wheels will be steady on this
ground?

JOHN HENRY
(rolls wheel to back of
wagon)
Got the best wheels in Kansas.
Come straight from PHAROAH's
chariot himself.
22.

SIMETH
Pharaoh? So it is he who has
claimed this kingdom of KAN...ZAS
as you call it?

John Henry is confused. Simeth starts to pick up the wheel
to load it but finds its weight too much for him. He starts
to say something to John Henry.

Then the wheel floats like a feather up and into the back of
the wagon. He sees it drop with a thud in the back and
finds Badpiper has arrived on the scene.

BADPIPER
Ready to be off, then? Best time
to set to sail. Before the tide.

SIMETH
You! What is all this? Step aside
and let me be. Missed your ride
out again?

John Henry quietly exits the scene.

BADPIPER
Missed! The train? No those
wankers missed me, lad. It was all
quite simple. Really, it was.

SIMETH
Simple? You were simply stowed
away from what I witnessed.

BADPIPER
Stowa -- laddy you have witnessed
it -- all wrong. I am an OFFICER
IN HER MAJESTY'S ROYAL NAVY. And
thank you.

SIMETH
An OFFICER! An officer under what
flag? The bones and skull?

BADPIPER
I can assure you lad that I sooner
be birched wi' twenty-four strokes
then take oath with a PRIVATEER.
And what do you know about it?
You'd probably drown in a wee dram
of Uisge Beatha your own self.

SIMETH
Thank you for the assistance. But
if it's all the same, I have a
great journey I must attend to.
Good waves to you.

Simeth turns away from Badpiper and looks around for John
Henry. Not seeing him, he heads to the front of the wagon.
23.

He climbs into the front seat only to find that Badpiper has
already positioned himself shotgun.

SIMETH
No! Out at once. I'm sure your
law is somewhere nearby...

Simeth eyes for any signs of authority.

BADPIPER
Hang on a minute, son. Journey you
said? You see I knew I had you
figured for a travelin' man! We're
partners in arms you and me.

SIMETH
Partners? Not in this life! I
ride alone. Now get out.

BADPIPER
Of course, any way you want it. A
lone wolf are ye? See here, I'll
only be on 'til past the yonder
fort and then you can be on your
way. I'll be no trouble at all and
make it worth your while.

SIMETH
No, thank you. Now I really must
be on my way.

BADPIPER
All right, fine. But I happen to
have a dear friend back east in SAN
LOUEE. He'll gladly get you over
the big river. If that's what you
be after, of course.
SIMETH
You? A friend? East? Big river?

BADPIPER
Certainly. He's me blessed
godfather.

SIMETH
(thinking)
Fort? Fine, but not one step past.

BADPIPER
There's a good lad. We're a Jock
Tamson's bairns you and me. Wait
right there and keep your haid a
minute.
Badpiper jumps out of the wagon and dashes across the road.
Simeth studies him as he runs up the boardwalk to his large
trunk. Simeth curses and turns away shaking his head as
Badpiper drags the thing across the street to the wagon.
24.

BADPIPER
(struggling)
Just a we bit -- of extra cargo --
lad. Nothing to be concerned
aboot.

Badpiper manages to get the case loaded somehow and climbs
back into the shotgun seat.

BADPIPER
(breathing heavily)
Well, I'm fair puckled. Shall we
be off then? It's getting a tad
late for the sake of St. Georgy!

Badpiper raises his fingers to his mouth and lets go with a
WHISTLE! The mule jumps into action. Badpiper reclines and
kicks up his feet with a smile. Simeth holds tight on the
reigns and they start off down the thoroughfare.

Badpiper sees two lovely ladies walking down the boardwalk
and rises to his feet. He extends his arms.

BADPIPER
(SHAKESPEARE style)
" As fair art thou me bonnie lass!
So deep in luv am I! And I will
luv Thee still my dear! Till all
the seas gang dry! And fare thee
well -- "

Simeth flicks the reigns causing the mule to surge sending
Badpiper tumbling over backward with his kilt flying up in
the air. He peaks up and waves at the ladies, then hides.
Genres: ["Adventure","Fantasy","Comedy"]

Summary In a light-hearted scene, Simeth and John Henry prepare a wagon when the boisterous Badpiper, freshly shaven, insists on joining their journey despite Simeth's skepticism about his claims of being a Royal Navy officer. After some humorous banter, Simeth reluctantly agrees to let Badpiper accompany them to a fort for a short distance. Badpiper struggles with his large trunk and comically attempts to impress two ladies, ultimately tumbling backward off the wagon as they set off, highlighting his over-the-top personality.
Strengths
  • Unique characters
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Mysterious elements
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, entertaining, and sets up intriguing plot developments. The mix of genres and tones keeps the audience interested and curious about what will happen next.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a mysterious journey with fantastical elements and quirky characters is well-executed. The scene introduces unique ideas and sets the stage for further exploration.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Simeth embarks on a journey with unexpected companions. The introduction of new characters and the setup of potential conflicts add depth to the storyline.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique characters and situations, blending historical elements with fantastical elements like floating objects and magical abilities. The dialogue feels authentic to the time period and setting.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Badpiper and John Henry, are colorful, intriguing, and add humor and mystery to the scene. Their interactions with Simeth create dynamic relationships and drive the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 5

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions and dynamics between the characters hint at potential growth and development in the future.

Internal Goal: 8

Badpiper's internal goal is to maintain his identity and reputation as an officer in the Royal Navy, despite the skepticism and challenges presented by Simeth.

External Goal: 7

Badpiper's external goal is to secure a ride to the fort, possibly with the help of his 'friend' in San Louee.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a mild conflict between Simeth and Badpiper, adding tension and humor to the scene. The conflict sets up potential obstacles for the characters to overcome.

Opposition: 8

The opposition between Badpiper and Simeth adds depth to the scene, creating conflict and uncertainty for the characters.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character introductions and setting up the journey. However, the potential for conflict and challenges hints at higher stakes to come.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new characters, setting up conflicts, and establishing the journey ahead. It piques the audience's interest and sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected actions and dialogue of the characters, keeping the audience intrigued.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Badpiper's sense of honor and identity as an officer in the Royal Navy, and Simeth's skepticism and distrust of him.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes light-hearted emotions and curiosity in the audience. The interactions between the characters and the mysterious elements create a sense of wonder and anticipation.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals the personalities of the characters. It adds depth to the interactions and keeps the scene engaging.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the witty dialogue, character dynamics, and the unfolding conflict between Badpiper and Simeth.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and humor, leading to a satisfying resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for the genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the comedic dynamic between Simeth and Badpiper, showcasing their contrasting personalities. Simeth's seriousness juxtaposed with Badpiper's flamboyant antics creates a humorous tension that is engaging for the audience.
  • The dialogue is lively and captures the characters' distinct voices well. Badpiper's exaggerated claims about his naval status and Simeth's skepticism add depth to their relationship, but some lines could be tightened for clarity and impact.
  • The physical comedy, particularly with Badpiper's attempts to impress the ladies and his subsequent tumble, is a strong visual element. However, the setup for this moment could be enhanced to build anticipation and make the fall feel more earned.
  • The scene transitions smoothly from the barber shop to the wagon preparation, but the initial focus on Badpiper in the barber's chair could be more thematically connected to the main action. It feels somewhat disconnected from the urgency of Simeth's journey.
  • While the humor is effective, the stakes of Simeth's journey could be more clearly articulated. As it stands, the audience may not fully grasp why Simeth is so adamant about traveling alone, which could diminish the emotional weight of his interactions with Badpiper.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment where Simeth reflects on the importance of his journey before Badpiper interrupts. This could help establish the stakes and make Simeth's reluctance to partner with Badpiper more impactful.
  • Tighten some of the dialogue to enhance clarity. For example, simplifying Badpiper's claims about his naval status could make the humor land better and keep the pace brisk.
  • Enhance the physical comedy by building up to Badpiper's tumble. Perhaps have him over-exaggerate his charm to the ladies, leading to a more dramatic and humorous fall that feels like a natural consequence of his actions.
  • Consider integrating the barber scene more closely with the main action. Perhaps have Badpiper's barber experience serve as a metaphor for his character—someone who is always trying to present a polished image but is ultimately clumsy and chaotic.
  • Explore the potential for a moment of camaraderie between Simeth and Badpiper before the conflict escalates. This could add depth to their relationship and make the eventual partnership feel more organic.



Scene 8 -  Campfire Rivalry
EXT. CAMPSITE - NIGHT
It is pitch black and Simeth and Badpiper have made a place
to camp. Badpiper pours something into the fire and an
enormous fireball erupts into the sky. Simeth reels.

SIMETH
Easy! You will start this tall
grass off if you are not careful.
And what is that, anyway?

Badpiper takes a drink then hides the mystery liquid.

BADPIPER
(forcing it down his
throat)
It's no concern, lad. Nothing at
all.
SIMETH
You know, I must say that for a man
who presents himself as an officer
of the fleet, thus far you have
(MORE)
25.

SIMETH (cont'd)
demonstrated the conduct and
service of a YEOMAN.

BADPIPER
Ah! A yeoman is it? And do tell
us about your bravery on the
quarterdecks, lad. I'm sure you've
seen many a gale out there with yer
noggin on wee pillow?

SIMETH
And what am I to make of you? It
seems a great blessing that you are
not in chains this night.

BADPIPER
Son, I believe the time has come
for you to take the rest. I don't
believe there's enough brine in you
there to make a wet pickle.

Badpiper laughs and turns his back to Simeth and takes
another sip.

SIMETH
ARRRRRRAAAHHHH!

Simeth tackles Badpiper and the two proceed to wrestle in
the dirt. Badpiper is pinned but flips Simeth over his
shoulders and Simeth lands in the dirt with a thud. The two
men get to their feet. Badpiper wipes his mouth and looks
at his hand.

BADPIPER
Oh. That's how it is then? The
Admiral himself wants to raise the
flag? Well get ready to pipe the
sides then, if that's your call!

Badpiper lunges at Simeth who ducks out of the way and
raises a leg to trip him, sending him crashing into the
dirt. Simeth jumps him and produces a section of rope and
proceeds to quickly tie Badpiper's arms and legs behind him.
He gets back to his feet. A full moon glows in the
background.

CUT TO:

Simeth is sitting by the fire and Badpiper is on the other
side on his belly with his arms and legs still tied. He is
working his way from side to side trying to figure out what
Simeth has done to him.
BADPIPER
Oh fine, this. Conscripted me to
the press gang, I see. Have ye?

Badpiper stops struggling long enough to notice the knots.
26.

BADPIPER
I must say, Admiral... Weel dain
on these ROPES here. Fine job --

SIMETH
As far as I can see, I'd say you
were some kind of pirate. I intend
to keep you bound until we make
that fort. Then I will surrender
you to its magistrate.

BADPIPER
Oh so that's the way it is then?

SIMETH
It is.

BADPIPER
Go ahead. Give me away, lad.
Nobody ever paid service to an old
salty any good way!

Badpiper again tries to maneuver to get a better look at the
ropes. Simeth tends to the fire. Badpiper stops.

BADPIPER
By the way, what are you?

SIMETH
What?

BADPIPER
What are you? You know I've sailed
every sea under blue heaven and
never met a sailor of your kind --
soooo -- what are you?
SIMETH
It is no concern of yours.

BADPIPER
But you say you're some kind of
traveler. On a long journey.

SIMETH
Yes, that is all. I'm going home.

BADPIPER
Home? You're a long way from it.
Aren't ya, laddy? I know a man
who's lost when I see one. You're
afraid...

SIMETH
Quiet!
27.

BADPIPER
I do believe this is the first time
in your whole life. Isn't it,
Admiral?

SIMETH
I warn you...

Badpiper suddenly flips over to his side facing Simeth. He
starts to struggle.

SIMETH
What are you doing? Stop it right
now!

Badpiper continues to rock back and forth while staring
Simeth directly in the eye. Slowly he raises one arm into
the air with the rope hanging from it. He flashes a wide
grin back at Simeth.

Terrified, Simeth backs away from Badpiper and gets to his
feet. He stands and stares with breath slowly beating.

Badpiper does the same. He rises to his feet and throws
away the rope. He stares at Simeth across the campfire.

SIMETH
What... What are you going to do?

BADPIPER
Look, lad. I just need to get to
my case. That's all.

SIMETH
No. What do you have in there?
Some weapon with which to strike me
down?
BADPIPER
I... will do no such thing or I'd
have done it already. I just need
at my case.

SIMETH
Please, no.

BADPIPER
Admiral! Do you really want to
stand here all night like a wee
pair of Highland lambies? Let me
at that case.

SIMETH
I will not.
BADPIPER
What is your name?
28.

SIMETH
Huh?

BADPIPER
The name that they gave you? If
you have one.

SIMETH
I am Simeth, Son of Menes.

BADPIPER
Alright, ADMIRAL SMITH. I'm going
after my case now. Just stay here.

Badpiper walks over to the back of the wagon while taking
measure of Simeth. He starts tugging his large trunk from
the back. It crashes to the ground with a THUD.

Badpiper eyeballs Simeth one more time before he pulls open
the lid. Simeth straightens himself as Badpiper rustles
around and grabs something from inside.

He keeps his back turned to Simeth and rises as we see his
elbows flailing putting something together. Simeth prepares
for the worst.

Badpiper straightens. He a waits a moment as the campfire
sparks and pops.

MUSIC CUE: "Scotland the Brave"

Badpiper turns around to reveal the bagpipes. The two men
stare at each other across the fires of eternity as the
sound trumpets into the wild hills. Everything comes alive.
Genres: ["Adventure","Comedy","Drama"]

Summary At a dark campsite, Simeth and Badpiper set up camp for the night. Badpiper conjures a large fireball, prompting Simeth's concerns about safety. Their playful banter escalates into a wrestling match, where Simeth ties up Badpiper. As they talk, Badpiper expresses curiosity about Simeth's identity, while Simeth remains guarded. The scene shifts when Badpiper retrieves his bagpipes, leading to a musical moment as he prepares to play 'Scotland the Brave.'
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Dynamic character interactions
  • Unexpected twists
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic
  • Character motivations could be further clarified

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, with a good balance of humor, tension, and mystery. The interaction between Simeth and Badpiper keeps the audience entertained and curious about the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of two contrasting characters meeting in the wilderness and engaging in a power struggle is well-executed. The introduction of the bagpipes adds a unique element to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Simeth and Badpiper's relationship evolves, setting up potential conflicts and alliances. The discovery of Badpiper's true intentions adds intrigue to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the sailor/adventurer trope, with unique character dynamics and unexpected plot developments. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Simeth and Badpiper are well-developed characters with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions drive the scene forward and create depth in the storytelling.

Character Changes: 7

Both Simeth and Badpiper undergo changes in their relationship and understanding of each other. Their interactions lead to shifts in power and reveal new layers to their characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Simeth's internal goal is to assert his authority and bravery in front of Badpiper, despite his own fears and insecurities. He wants to prove himself as a capable leader and gain respect from Badpiper.

External Goal: 7

Simeth's external goal is to capture and surrender Badpiper to a fort magistrate, showcasing his loyalty and duty as a sailor or officer.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Simeth and Badpiper escalates as they challenge each other's intentions and motivations. The power struggle adds tension and suspense to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with both characters challenging each other's beliefs and values. The audience is left unsure of the outcome, adding suspense and intrigue to the scene.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as Simeth and Badpiper confront each other in the wilderness, with their fates hanging in the balance. The outcome of their power struggle could have significant consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, alliances, and mysteries. The evolving relationship between Simeth and Badpiper sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected character actions and plot developments. The audience is kept guessing about the characters' true intentions and motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of authority, bravery, and identity. Simeth and Badpiper challenge each other's beliefs and values, questioning their roles and intentions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from amusement to anxiety, as the characters' dynamics shift and the stakes are raised. The unexpected twists keep the audience emotionally engaged.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals important information about the characters. The banter between Simeth and Badpiper adds humor and tension to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, witty dialogue, and unpredictable plot twists. The conflict between the characters keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, escalating the conflict, and maintaining a sense of urgency. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly, enhancing readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear character motivations and plot progression. The dialogue and action sequences are well-paced, keeping the audience engaged.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the playful dynamic between Simeth and Badpiper, showcasing their contrasting personalities. Simeth's cautious nature is well contrasted with Badpiper's reckless bravado, which adds humor and tension to their interactions.
  • The dialogue is witty and engaging, particularly the banter about Badpiper's supposed naval experience and Simeth's skepticism. However, some lines could be tightened for clarity and impact. For instance, Badpiper's lines about Simeth's bravery could be more concise to maintain the scene's pacing.
  • The physical comedy of the wrestling match is a highlight, but the transition from playful wrestling to a more serious confrontation about Badpiper's intentions feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the flow of the scene.
  • The introduction of Badpiper's case adds an element of mystery, but the stakes surrounding it could be clearer. Simeth's fear of Badpiper's intentions is established, but the audience might benefit from a more explicit hint about what Badpiper is after, increasing tension.
  • The ending with Badpiper revealing the bagpipes is a strong visual and auditory moment, but it could be more impactful if the significance of the bagpipes to Badpiper or the story were hinted at earlier in the scene. This would create a stronger payoff.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening some of the dialogue to enhance the comedic timing and clarity. For example, streamline Badpiper's lines about Simeth's bravery to keep the pace brisk.
  • Add a brief moment where Simeth reflects on his feelings about Badpiper's antics before the wrestling match begins. This could deepen the emotional stakes and provide insight into Simeth's character.
  • Introduce a hint about the contents of Badpiper's case earlier in the scene to build anticipation and tension. This could be a line where Badpiper expresses urgency or desperation regarding the case.
  • Ensure a smoother transition between the playful wrestling and the more serious conversation about Badpiper's intentions. Perhaps include a moment where Simeth's demeanor shifts from playful to cautious, signaling the change in tone.
  • Consider expanding on the significance of the bagpipes when Badpiper reveals them. A line about their importance to him or a connection to his past could add depth to the moment and enhance the audience's emotional engagement.



Scene 9 -  Chaos on the Trail
EXT. CAMPSITE - DAWN
The campfire is burning out. Simeth turns from the wagon
and kicks Badpiper in the ribs.

SIMETH
Pirate! We must go.

BADPIPER
Aaagh. I've not heard one lark,
son. And where is tha bacon?

SIMETH
Bacon? I do not know bacon. Now
get up.

BADPIPER
(getting up)
Does not know bacon? How sad.
Tragic really.

SIMETH
We are ready. Now let's go.
29.

BADPIPER
You're a real gentleman. You know
that, Smith? Where is me case?

SIMETH
In the back.

BADPIPER
(climbing into wagon)
Good. Good, Admiral. Then we can
be off.

SIMETH
(flipping harness
vigorously)
Yes. We can be.

BADPIPER
You should take that wee mulee more
gentle you know that, Admiral? The
sea always knows what a man feels
inside himself. It's the most
honest girl there is. Pure as rain
is she and twice as pretty.

Simeth looks at Badpiper and almost starts to smile. The
wagon rolls on.

EXT. TRAIL - DAY

The boys continue down the dusty trail.

BADPIPER
So I told him he was the bee's
bollucks and measured the same
way... well just that minute about
three or four of his lads came
round ready to box me in...

Simeth notices something is ahead.

SIMETH
We're getting near. You should
ready yourself because this will be
the end of your line.

BADPIPER
End of the line? Friends till
Judgement Day, I see. But I must
say...

Simeth watches as three ARMY MEN gallop up to them. He
pulls the harness to a stop as they surround the wagon. He
raises his hands. Their surly LIEUTENANT speaks up.
LIEUTENANT
YOU THERE! What business have you
on this trail?
30.

SIMETH
I'm a traveller, sir. On a very
long journey.

LIEUTENANT
And this man here? Is he in your
employ?

Simeth starts to speak.

BADPIPER
(interrupting)
That's it. Just got to finish up
our journey. By the way did your
father ever finish?

ARMY LIEUTENANT
What? Smart mouth!

BADPIPER
No. Not at all...

Badpiper gives the mule a kick to the flank and it rears up
and jumps ahead. The wagon bounces wildly from side to side
as it RAGES down the trail.

SIMETH
Have you lost your plot? Those
were men at arms!

BADPIPER
At arms were they? I see the
drummer boys have now joined in
rank.

Badpiper turns and salutes.
BADPIPER
Well done, boys!

SIMETH
You must comply!

BADPIPER
Certainly. But we must also know
if they are up to the task. Dinnae
ya think?

Badpiper gives another whistle and the mule goes even
faster. Simeth turns around to look at the army men.

SIMETH
Madness! Is this what you learned
in your ROYAL NAVY?
Badpiper pulls the harness and the wagon veers to the side.
31.

BADPIPER
The only madness I learned was on
the shores, lad. Better come
about....

The wagon begins bouncing wildly off-road and the boys try
to hold on. Badpiper tries to grab the harness but Simeth
bats him away.

SIMETH
No! Stop! We'll wreck out here.

BADPIPER
Fine, Admiral! She's your charter.
But do mind the rudder.

Badpiper tries to whistle again but Simeth puts a hand over
his mouth and grabs tighter on the rains. The wagon
continues bouncing.

SIMETH
I'm stopping and I don't care what
you say.

BADPIPER
While we're ahead? We have not yet
begun to fight, Admiral!

Simeth grits his teeth and pulls on his harness sharply as
they pass a river. Lieutenant drives his horse straight
into the water.

BADPIPER
(looking back laughing)
Nice bath, LIEUTENANT! I must say
you were far overdue.
Simeth shakes his head and drives on until suddenly the
trail is split by two large trees ahead.

SIMETH
That's it! No room -- hold on!

BADPIPER
The room is in your head, man.
Drive!

As they approach the trees Simeth pulls the wagon around the
largest one and the second army man is forced to pull back.
Simeth and Badpiper look at each other and laugh about the
victory.

They face back and suddenly the laughs end. They notice a
huge ravine ahead. Looking back at each other with eyes
wide, Simeth tries to work the wagon into a sharp turn.

He sees Badpiper bail out. The wagon banks sharply and
everything in back of it tumbles over the ravine.
32.

He stops just in time to see the third army man gallop up to
Badpiper.

Simeth pulls back the reins and calms the mule. He looks
back over at Badpiper and the army man.

ARMY SCOUT
(tying Badpiper up)
You are hereby being held as a
prisoner! By the Army of THESE
United States of America.

BADPIPER
Which ones? These ones?

He strikes Badpiper and picks him up and puts him on the
back of his horse. Simeth watches as they ride away towards
the fort.
Genres: ["Adventure","Comedy","Historical"]

Summary At dawn, Simeth wakes the humorous Badpiper at their campsite, urging him to leave. As they travel down a dusty trail, they encounter three army men, leading to chaos when Badpiper kicks the mule, causing the wagon to speed away. Despite Simeth's attempts to regain control, Badpiper's antics escalate, nearly resulting in disaster at a ravine. Badpiper jumps out just in time but is captured by an army scout, leaving Simeth behind.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Dynamic character interactions
  • Humorous moments
Weaknesses
  • Some abrupt transitions
  • Lack of deeper character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written with a good balance of humor, action, and drama. The interactions between characters are engaging, and the setting adds depth to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of two unlikely companions embarking on a wild journey through a historical frontier town is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot is fast-paced and entertaining, with the characters facing obstacles and challenges that drive the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique characters and situations, blending elements of piracy and military conflict in a frontier setting. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Simeth and Badpiper are well-developed and their interactions are entertaining. Their contrasting personalities create humor and tension in the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there is some development in the relationship between Simeth and Badpiper, the scene focuses more on their dynamic and the challenges they face together.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain control and order in a chaotic situation. This reflects his need for stability and adherence to rules.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to evade capture by the army men and escape to safety. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both in the interactions between characters and the obstacles they face on their journey.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the army men posing a significant threat to the protagonist's goals.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as the characters encounter army men and face dangerous situations on their journey, adding tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new obstacles and advancing the journey of the characters.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and decisions made by the characters, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between following rules and authority versus embracing chaos and freedom evident in this scene. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about order and control.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions from amusement to tension, keeping the audience engaged in the story.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty and engaging, capturing the personalities of the characters and driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and high stakes conflict.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension and momentum throughout the action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear action lines and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a high-stakes action sequence, building tension and conflict effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the comedic dynamic between Simeth and Badpiper, showcasing their contrasting personalities. However, the humor sometimes feels forced, particularly in Badpiper's exaggerated antics. This could be toned down to maintain a balance between comedy and the tension of the situation.
  • The dialogue is lively and reflects the characters' personalities well, but some lines, especially Badpiper's, can come off as overly verbose. Streamlining his dialogue could enhance the pacing and keep the audience engaged without losing the humor.
  • The introduction of the army men adds a layer of conflict, but their presence could be better integrated into the scene. The transition from playful banter to the serious threat of the army feels abrupt. A more gradual build-up to the confrontation could heighten the tension and make the eventual chaos more impactful.
  • The physical comedy, particularly with the wagon bouncing and Badpiper's antics, is visually engaging. However, the stakes feel low during this sequence. Establishing a clearer sense of danger or urgency could enhance the scene's tension and make the audience more invested in the outcome.
  • The ending, where Badpiper is captured, is a strong moment that raises the stakes for Simeth. However, it could benefit from a more emotional reaction from Simeth. Showing his concern or frustration could deepen the audience's connection to his character and set up the next scene more effectively.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening Badpiper's dialogue to make it snappier and more impactful, focusing on key comedic moments without excessive elaboration.
  • Introduce the army men earlier in the scene to build tension gradually, perhaps through foreshadowing or background chatter that hints at their approach.
  • Enhance the sense of danger by incorporating more physical obstacles or challenges that Simeth and Badpiper must navigate before encountering the army men.
  • Add a moment where Simeth expresses concern for Badpiper's reckless behavior, which could create a more emotional connection between the characters and heighten the stakes.
  • After Badpiper's capture, include a brief moment where Simeth reacts to the situation, whether through frustration, anger, or determination, to set the tone for the next scene.



Scene 10 -  The Discovery in the Ravine
EXT. RAVINE - DAY

Simeth adjusts his hat and looks around. He calms the mule
and steps away from the wagon.

He notices that Badpiper's precious case is nowhere to be
found. He looks behind him and walks over to the edge of
the ravine. He sees that the case has fallen all the way
down. He drops his head for a minute. He waits and then
starts over the side of the cliff.

Simeth grabs at the occasional branch or whatever he can
find as he slowly works his way down. Rocks CRUMBLE under
his feet as he tries to get his footing.

He just about loses it before he manages to grab on to a
root at the last moment. He continues until finally he
grits and jumps down to the ground in front of the case.
Simeth shakes his head about the stupidity of going after
the thing. He steps back. He hates this case. He runs up
and gives it a mighty kick.

He is laughing with eyes closed at the futility of it all.
He sees he has somehow caused the top to brake open.

Simeth makes sure nobody else has seen what has happened.
He approaches to get a better look.

He squats down in front and takes one last look around. He
raises the top. Inside an old burlap sack is resting on top
of whatever is underneath.

Simeth takes a minute to think. He grabs the burlap and
tosses it out of the way.
Folded underneath is the uniform of an OFFICER IN THE
BRITISH NAVY. It is adorned with several shining medals.
He grabs one in an attempt to decipher what it says. He
reads out loud:
33.

SIMETH
" KNIGHTS COMPANION OF HER
MAJESTY'S MOST ROYAL ORDER... "

Simeth shakes his head and pulls the uniform out and lays it
to the side. He sees that underneath are the bagpipes from
the night before.

Simeth is confounded by the unusual instrument and he
fumbles with it for a minute until he finds the mouthpiece.
He locates it and decides to give it a try.

WHINE! of the awful thing as Simeth jumps.

SIMETH
Theban pipes. Upper Nile...

He throws it to the side next to the uniform. He looks at
it and grins before turning back towards the case.
Something else catches his eye.

Neatly folded at the bottom is a large yellow parchment. It
is clearly in bad shape. Simeth unfolds it. He realizes it
is a giant map.

FASCINATION overcomes him as he recognizes features of it.
He run his fingers slowly along to the point where Atlantis
should be. When he reaches that point he is shocked to see
nothing is there. It's all gone.

He flips it over and checks again but his plotting is only
confirmed. He lowers the map. He has to do something.
Genres: ["Adventure","Fantasy","Historical"]

Summary Simeth, driven by determination and frustration, descends a rocky ravine to retrieve Badpiper's fallen case. After a challenging climb, he kicks the case open, revealing a British Navy officer's uniform with medals, bagpipes, and a damaged map that shockingly indicates the absence of Atlantis. This discovery shifts his emotions from frustration to curiosity, leaving him with a sense of urgency to act.
Strengths
  • Intriguing concept of the lost map revealing the absence of Atlantis
  • Effective blend of genres and tones
  • Character development through interactions and reactions
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be further enhanced to deepen emotional impact and conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends different genres and tones, keeping the audience engaged with a mix of mystery, curiosity, and humor. The introduction of the map adds depth to the story and raises questions about the fate of Atlantis. The humorous elements provide a light-hearted contrast to the serious themes.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of discovering a map that shows the absence of Atlantis is intriguing and adds a new layer to the story. The scene effectively introduces this concept and sets up further exploration of the lost civilization.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Simeth discovers the map and the British Navy uniform, hinting at a larger mystery surrounding Atlantis. The scene also sets up potential conflicts and character development with the introduction of new elements.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique combination of historical elements, such as the British Navy officer's uniform and bagpipes, with a sense of exploration and discovery through the map of Atlantis. The authenticity of the character's actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Simeth and Badpiper are further developed through their interactions and reactions to the discoveries in the scene. Simeth's curiosity and determination are highlighted, while Badpiper's humorous and irreverent nature adds comedic relief.

Character Changes: 6

Simeth undergoes a subtle change as he grapples with the implications of the map and the absence of Atlantis. His curiosity and determination are further highlighted, setting up potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Simeth's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the secrets hidden in Badpiper's case and the items inside it. This reflects his curiosity, determination, and possibly a desire for knowledge or discovery.

External Goal: 7

Simeth's external goal in this scene is to retrieve the items that have fallen into the ravine and investigate their significance. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in retrieving the case and its contents.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Simeth grapples with the shock of the map's revelation and the implications for his journey. The potential conflict between characters is hinted at but not fully realized.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene comes from the challenge of retrieving the items from the ravine and the risks involved in investigating the mysterious contents of the case. The obstacles faced by Simeth add tension and uncertainty to the scene.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are raised as Simeth discovers the map showing the absence of Atlantis, hinting at larger consequences for his journey and the fate of the lost civilization. The potential conflicts and mysteries add depth to the story.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements, such as the map and the British Navy uniform, that hint at larger mysteries and conflicts to come. It sets up future developments and keeps the audience engaged with the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the reader is unsure of what Simeth will find in the case and how it will impact the story. The unexpected discoveries and twists keep the audience engaged.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene may revolve around the themes of curiosity versus danger, discovery versus loss, and the pursuit of knowledge versus the risk involved in uncovering secrets.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from confusion and shock to fascination and amusement. The discovery of the map and the British Navy uniform adds depth to the characters and the story, creating an emotional connection with the audience.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue serves to reveal character traits and move the plot forward, but could be further enhanced to deepen the emotional impact and conflict in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it keeps the reader interested in Simeth's journey of discovery and the mysteries he uncovers. The detailed descriptions and character interactions create a sense of suspense and intrigue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds suspense and tension as Simeth uncovers the contents of the case and makes surprising discoveries. The rhythm of the scene keeps the reader engaged and eager to learn more.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear descriptions of character actions and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure of Simeth's actions as he investigates the contents of the case and makes discoveries. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building suspense and intrigue.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension as Simeth navigates the ravine, showcasing his determination and the physical challenges he faces. However, the pacing could be improved; the initial moments of him adjusting his hat and calming the mule feel a bit slow and could benefit from more urgency to match the stakes of retrieving the case.
  • Simeth's internal conflict about the case is well portrayed through his actions and dialogue, particularly when he kicks it in frustration. However, the transition from frustration to fascination with the contents of the case could be more pronounced. The emotional shift feels abrupt, and adding a moment of reflection or a line of dialogue could enhance this transition.
  • The discovery of the British Navy officer's uniform and the map is intriguing, but the scene could benefit from more visual description. For instance, describing the condition of the uniform and the map in more detail would help to convey their significance and the weight of Simeth's discovery.
  • Simeth's dialogue when he reads the inscription on the medal is a nice touch, but it could be more impactful if it were tied to his character's journey or motivations. Perhaps he could express a thought about the implications of the medal in relation to his own identity or quest.
  • The scene ends on a strong note with Simeth's realization about Atlantis being gone, but it could be enhanced by foreshadowing the consequences of this discovery. A brief moment of contemplation or a line that hints at his next steps would provide a stronger lead into the following scene.
Suggestions
  • Increase the urgency in the opening moments of the scene to better reflect the stakes involved in retrieving the case. Consider starting with Simeth's immediate reaction to the missing case rather than a calm adjustment of his hat.
  • Add a moment of reflection or dialogue after Simeth kicks the case to better illustrate his emotional transition from frustration to curiosity about its contents.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions of the uniform and map to emphasize their significance. Consider using sensory details to convey the texture, smell, and condition of these items.
  • Tie Simeth's dialogue about the medal to his character arc. Perhaps he could express a thought about what it means to him or how it relates to his journey, adding depth to the moment.
  • Foreshadow the implications of discovering that Atlantis is gone by including a brief moment of contemplation or a line that hints at Simeth's next steps, creating a smoother transition to the following scene.



Scene 11 -  Confrontation at Fort Leavenworth
EXT. FORT - DAY

Simeth and the wagon are slowly approaching the great
frontier army post. This is FORT LEAVENWORTH. It is the
farthest of settlements along the SANTA FE TRAIL.

There is a commotion of men and wagons moving in and out of
the entrance as the drive westward is just getting underway.
Simeth looks on in awe at the formidable walls and lookouts
and the tower and barracks.

He can scarcely believe such a structure exists on this vast
prairie. Slowly, he approaches.

As he nears the gate, two men see his wagon. Simeth readies
himself. They are the army men from before.

LIEUTENANT
Halt! Raise your hands!

Simeth stops the wagon and does as instructed.
SIMETH
I wish to speak to your commander.

Lieutenant bursts into laughter.
34.

LIEUTENANT
Oh you would? He's a busy man you
know? I suppose it must be a
matter of some importance?

SIMETH
It is. I must speak with him about
the prisoner that was captured. I
believe the man is more than he
would appear to be.

LIEUTENANT
More than he would appear to be?
Is that right? What about you?
Are you more than you would appear
to be?

SIMETH
I'm just a traveller. I was going
home when I encountered the man.
That is all there is.

LIEUTENANT
That's all there is? And now you
want to speak to our commander
after y'all run off like that?

SIMETH
That's right. I just want to
explain that --

LIEUTENANT
I'll EXPLAIN! Out here you'll hang
for disobedience to a direct order
from the US ARMY. You and your
wagon there gave us all quite a
chase but I believe we got you now.
SIMETH
Indeed. Now if we can just proceed
this can all be sorted out.

LIEUTENANT
We'll sort you out from the neck
up! Step off that wagon!

Simeth jumps down from the wagon and approaches. Lieutenant
raises his weapon and points it at Simeth.

LIEUTENANT
Back! Back right now if you know
anything.

The other man, ARMY SCOUT, tries to calm the situation.
ARMY SCOUT
Easy now. He don't mean any
trouble. No need to draw arms.
35.

LIEUTENANT
No need? This boy's a fugitive.

SIMETH
I'm no fugitive. My name is...
SMITH... and I just need a word.

ARMY SCOUT
That's right. He just wants to
have a word.

Simeth gets right up next to Lieutenant, who abruptly
strikes him on the head with his weapon. Simeth falls to
the ground unconscious.

ARMY SCOUT
What's that for? He didn't want
any fight.

LIEUTENANT
Well he got one! Pick him up and
send somebody back for the wagon.

Army Scout shakes his head and dismounts his horse to pick
up Simeth. He loads him up and they head inside.
Genres: ["Western","Adventure","Historical"]

Summary Simeth arrives at Fort Leavenworth seeking to speak with the commander about a captured prisoner, but is met with hostility from a lieutenant who mocks him and escalates the situation. Despite an army scout's attempt to de-escalate, the lieutenant strikes Simeth unconscious, leaving the scout to reluctantly carry him inside the fort.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of genres
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Tension-filled conflict
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched elements in the Western setting

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends tension, humor, and drama to create an engaging and dynamic narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a stranger arriving at a frontier fort and getting caught up in a conflict with the army is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a clear conflict and escalating tension as the scene progresses.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh situation with Simeth being mistaken for a fugitive and facing the strict authority of the US Army. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are distinct and engaging, with conflicting motivations and personalities driving the action.

Character Changes: 6

The protagonist's encounter with the army forces him to adapt and make decisions that will impact his journey.

Internal Goal: 8

Simeth's internal goal is to clear his name and explain his situation to the commander. This reflects his desire for justice and to be understood.

External Goal: 7

Simeth's external goal is to speak to the commander about the captured prisoner and prove his innocence. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in being mistaken for a fugitive.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the protagonist and the army adds tension and drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Simeth facing the army's authority and being mistaken for a fugitive. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will unfold.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the protagonist's confrontation with the army raise the tension and keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and obstacles for the protagonist to overcome.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, with Simeth being mistaken for a fugitive and facing the army's authority.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between the army's strict adherence to rules and Simeth's need for understanding and justice. It challenges Simeth's belief in fairness and the army's authority.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from suspense to amusement, keeping the audience engaged.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and helps to reveal the characters' personalities and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, tense interactions, and the mystery surrounding Simeth's true identity.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense as the confrontation escalates.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dramatic confrontation in a military setting, with clear character motivations and escalating tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes tension as Simeth approaches Fort Leavenworth, but the dialogue could benefit from more subtext. The Lieutenant's mocking tone is clear, yet it could be enhanced by incorporating more nuanced interactions that reveal Simeth's desperation and the Lieutenant's arrogance.
  • Simeth's character feels somewhat passive in this scene. While he expresses a desire to speak to the commander, his approach lacks urgency or a strong emotional drive. Adding internal thoughts or flashbacks could deepen his motivation and make the audience more invested in his plight.
  • The physicality of the confrontation is somewhat lacking. The moment when the Lieutenant strikes Simeth could be more impactful with a stronger visual description or a brief moment of hesitation before the violence, which would heighten the tension and surprise.
  • The Army Scout's role is underdeveloped. While he attempts to calm the situation, his motivations and character could be fleshed out more. Is he sympathetic to Simeth? Does he have a personal stake in the situation? Adding depth to his character could create a more dynamic interaction.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Simeth being knocked unconscious. While this serves to escalate the conflict, it may leave the audience feeling unsatisfied. A brief moment of reflection or a final thought from Simeth before he loses consciousness could provide a more poignant conclusion to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal dialogue for Simeth to convey his thoughts and feelings as he approaches the fort, which would help the audience connect with his character on a deeper level.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Simeth and the Lieutenant by incorporating more subtext and layered insults, which would create a more engaging verbal sparring match.
  • Include a moment of hesitation or conflict within the Lieutenant before he strikes Simeth, which could add complexity to his character and make the violence feel more shocking.
  • Develop the Army Scout's character further by giving him a line or two that reveals his perspective on the situation, potentially creating a moral dilemma for him.
  • Add a reflective moment for Simeth before he is knocked out, allowing him to express a final thought or realization that underscores the stakes of his situation.



Scene 12 -  A Moment of Compassion
INT. FORT - DAY

Simeth sits with arms and legs folded in a confined prison
cell with a trickle of light coming in through the window.
TRAPPER begins speaking to him.

TRAPPER
(with French accent)
Oui, I lived well among the
indigenes. I found much to trade
among the indigenes . But also
found a lot of scalps. And a few
wives.

Simeth looks back at Trapper and says nothing. Trapper is
every bit the mountain man. Full beard and bad eye. He has
a necklace of claws but is missing his own teeth.

TRAPPER
I had many wives. The women give a
man much comfort while he is
hunting. Only a native woman can
keep a man alive in this
wilderness, mon amie.

Simeth looks at Trapper but doesn't say anything.

TRAPPER
Kit Carson? Merde! I could find
eight hides by morning before he
made his cafe.

Suddenly a GUARD approaches.
36.

GUARD
Smith! Stand up. The MAJOR
GENERAL will speak to you shortly.

Trapper looks at Simeth and points while laughing.

TRAPPER
Oh? Est ce la verite? I am
sharing a cage with Generaux George
Washington? A la victoire mon
commandant!

Guard begins unlocking the door.

GUARD
QUIET! Come on Smith.

Simeth looks back at Trapper then follows Guard out of the
cell.

TRAPPER
(singing in French)
" J'ai point choisi, mais j'ai pris
la plus belle. J'l'y fis monter
derrier moi, sur ma selle! "

Trapper sticks his face between the bars. He grins with no
teeth and waves Simeth goodbye.

EXT. FORT STREET - DAY

Simeth follows Guard on the way to meet the major general.

GUARD
A fugitive? No mercy for that out
here in the territory. You'll
likely hang high for that one.
Simeth sees across the street a girl is struggling with a
horse. She is standing with SERGEANT who is whipping the
animal as it bucks and gnashes its teeth.

Simeth runs over. Guard doesn't like it.

GUARD
Halt!

Guard chases Simeth to the horse. Simeth makes it and
nudges Sergeant out of his way. He grabs the horse by the
neck and calms him. He has a way with horses.

SIMETH
EASY. Now. There. That's right.
Simeth looks back at Sergeant and slowly raises his hand to
the horse's bridle. With one hand steadying the neck, he
starts to release it. He keeps holding the animal to
reattach its bindings.
37.

He turns to the girl and he's hit by THUNDER. Her black
hair and pale skin betray the KANSAS sun as if she never
spent time in it. Her eyes are blue as a deep sea. MILLY
is every bit as beautiful as she is strong.

Simeth regains himself.

SIMETH
I believe the ties on him were too
tight. He will never go if he
can't chew at it.

Simeth pats the horse and it grunts. Milly smiles.

MILLY
Did you hear that, SERGEANT? And
you, an old CAVALRYMAN.

Sergeant just frowns and turns away. Guard pushes his way
forward and addresses Sergeant.

GUARD
Apologies, sir. This prisoner is
on his way to meet with the major
general.

MILLY
Well you better get him along right
away then...

Milly smiles at Simeth and turns back to the horse.
Sergeant tries to help her and she bats him away and gets
on. She turns to Guard.

MILLY
Make sure that he meets with the
major general, IMMEDIATELY.
Guard looks at Sergeant. He frowns and nods in agreement.

GUARD
Right away, ma'am.

Guard grabs Simeth.

GUARD
Come on then.

They make their way to headquarters.
Genres: ["Western","Adventure","Historical"]

Summary In a fort's prison cell, Simeth converses with Trapper, who shares humorous tales of his past. When a guard arrives to escort Simeth to the Major General, he encounters Milly struggling with a horse. Simeth intervenes, impressing Milly and the Sergeant with his calm demeanor. Despite the guard's insistence on urgency, Milly urges them to hurry, showcasing her concern for Simeth as he is taken away.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Introduction of new characters
  • Setting up potential conflicts
Weaknesses
  • Lack of deep emotional impact
  • Character changes are subtle

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging with a mix of humor, suspense, and drama. It introduces new characters and sets up potential conflicts and alliances.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a prisoner interacting with a mountain man and a strong female character in a military outpost in the frontier is intriguing and sets the stage for further developments.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as the protagonist interacts with new characters and faces challenges in the military outpost, adding layers to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh character dynamics and cultural conflicts, offering a unique perspective on survival and human connection. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The introduction of new characters like Trapper, Milly, and the Guard adds depth to the scene and sets up potential character arcs and conflicts.

Character Changes: 6

There are subtle hints at potential character changes, especially in the protagonist's interactions with new characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Simeth's internal goal is to maintain composure and assert his identity in the face of adversity. He remains silent in response to Trapper's provocative statements, showing restraint and resilience.

External Goal: 7

Simeth's external goal is to navigate the challenges of being a prisoner and potentially facing the major general. He also shows compassion towards the girl and the horse, displaying his empathy and resourcefulness.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a moderate level of conflict present, especially in the interactions between the protagonist, Trapper, and the Guard.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts arising from cultural differences, power dynamics, and personal motivations. Simeth faces obstacles from Trapper, the guard, and Sergeant, adding layers of complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderate, with the protagonist facing potential consequences as a prisoner in a military outpost.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new characters, conflicts, and setting up potential plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions between the characters and the shifting power dynamics. The audience is kept on their toes about Simeth's fate and the outcome of his meeting with the major general.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the clash of cultures and values between Trapper's rugged individualism and Simeth's restraint and empathy. This challenges Simeth's beliefs about survival and human connection.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, from humor to tension, but doesn't delve deeply into emotional depth.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and helps establish the personalities of the characters, especially through their interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, tension, and character dynamics. The interactions between Simeth, Trapper, and Milly keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, especially during Simeth's interactions with Trapper and Milly. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a historical drama, with clear character introductions, conflicts, and resolutions. The pacing and transitions are effective in building tension.


Critique
  • The dialogue with Trapper is colorful and provides insight into his character, but it feels somewhat disconnected from Simeth's emotional state. Simeth's silence in response to Trapper's stories could be an opportunity to deepen his character's internal conflict or thoughts about his own situation. Consider adding internal monologue or brief reactions from Simeth to enhance his character development.
  • The transition from the prison cell to the encounter with Milly is abrupt. While it serves to introduce a new character, the shift in tone from the humorous banter with Trapper to the serious situation with the horse could be smoothed out. A brief moment of reflection or a visual cue could help bridge this transition.
  • Milly's introduction is visually striking, but her dialogue could be more impactful. While she is portrayed as strong and beautiful, her lines do not fully convey her personality or establish a connection with Simeth. Consider giving her a more distinct voice or a memorable line that reflects her character's strength and independence.
  • The guard's character is somewhat one-dimensional, serving primarily as an obstacle for Simeth. Adding a layer of complexity to the guard's character, such as a personal stake in the situation or a hint of sympathy for Simeth, could create a more engaging dynamic.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. The initial interaction with Trapper is lively, but the subsequent moments with the guard and Milly slow down the momentum. Balancing the pacing by interspersing more action or tension could keep the audience engaged.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate Simeth's internal thoughts or reactions during Trapper's dialogue to provide insight into his character and emotional state.
  • Smooth the transition between the prison cell and the encounter with Milly by adding a moment of reflection or a visual cue that connects the two scenes.
  • Enhance Milly's introduction by giving her a memorable line or action that showcases her strength and establishes a connection with Simeth.
  • Consider adding depth to the guard's character by giving him a personal stake in the situation or a hint of sympathy for Simeth.
  • Adjust the pacing of the scene by interspersing more action or tension to maintain audience engagement throughout.



Scene 13 -  The Price of Loyalty
INT. HEADQUARTERS - DAY

Guard bursts through the doors of a small office with Simeth
bound in his custody.
GUARD
I have the prisoner here, sir.
He's ready for questioning.
38.

An old grey-haired man, CLARK, stands facing away at the
window with his arms folded behind him. He does not turn
around.

CLARK
Very well. You are dismissed.

GUARD
Sir?

CLARK
Dismissed. Leave the prisoner.

GUARD
Sir.

Guard rips off Simeth's hat and throws in on the desk and
plops him in a chair and heads for the door.

Guard closes the doors behind him. Clark takes a deep
breath and begins speaking. He doesn't turn around but sees
the reflection of Simeth in his window.

CLARK
Smith...

SIMETH
(unsure if he is being
addressed)
Yes? Sir.

CLARK
You don't look like a Smith.

SIMETH
I am... I am from the East.
CLARK
I see. So what is this all about,
Smith?

SIMETH
You mean, the trouble with the
wagon?

CLARK
Yes. The trouble with the wagon.

SIMETH
I believe it has to do with
Badpiper, sir.

CLARK
BAD...BADPIPER? So that's it?
That man. Is that the name he gave
you?

SIMETH
It's the only name I know, sir.
39.

CLARK
And what is it, Smith, that you
know about this... What was it?
Bad...piper?

SIMETH
He served with honour in the Royal
Navy.

Clark drops his head.

CLARK
Served with honour?

Clark turns from the window and Simeth gets a good look at
him for the first time. An old soldier. Forged in the
fires of service. Long flowing gray hair and sharp eyes. He
looks born for command in his uniform.

CLARK
You were led this way, Smith?

SIMETH
I had little reason to doubt him.

Clark leaves the window and approaches Simeth.

CLARK
What if I told you that your
associate was no more than a
mutineer?

SIMETH
Mutineer? I can tell you, sir,
that he left me the impression of a
dedicated sailor.
Clark gets right into Simeth's face, nose-to-nose.

CLARK
Dedication?

Clark smiles and stares into Simeth's eyes.

CLARK
(stomping foot and
sending things CRASHING)
He'll hang! I believe, if the
limeys get their piece with him.
Do you understand that, Smith?

SIMETH
He might be a very fit sailor.
CLARK
(rising back up again)
Well Smith, because you believe it
does not make it so. There happens
(MORE)
40.

CLARK (cont'd)
to be a price on that man's head.
Or what is left of it.

SIMETH
A price? He gave me no indication.

CLARK
Yes, well your friend is wanted by
the BRITISH CROWN for mutiny on the
high seas. Apparently, he and some
mates tried to throw their captain
overboard for refusing shore leave
out somewhere near HONG KONG.

SIMETH
Hong Kong?

CLARK
It appears that he raised up quite
a fuss and nearly nixed a critical
moment in the history of British
diplomacy.

SIMETH
I see.

CLARK
He has a price on him, Smith. A
dear one. Do you understand?

SIMETH
Yes, sir.

CLARK
And do you believe it is necessary
for the United States government to
provide sanctuary for foreign
fugitives?

SIMETH
United? No?

CLARK
Certainly not. This is a nation of
principles.

SIMETH
Of course.

CLARK
Indeed it is. And -- well truth be
told -- since Jackson sent them
running in New Orleans we haven't
had much trouble from the Reds on
this side of the Atlantic in some
time.
41.

SIMETH
The Atlantic!

Simeth is confused but leans forward.

CLARK
As a matter of fact, from what I am
hearing The Royal Navy is more
concerned with the Raj of the
Princely States of India these days
than chasing down criminals in the
old colonies. They don't care
about us much. Does that make any
sense to you?

SIMETH
I think so.

CLARK
Good. The word is that PROVIDENCE
has directed that we in these
States who have breathed the fresh
air of Liberty ought to spread
ourselves WESTWARD. The time has
come for this new Nation to embrace
its destiny. Do you know about
Providence, Smith?

SIMETH
Certainly.

CLARK
I was one of the first white men to
ever see this land. It was I who
made survey, with Meriwether Lewis,
under order of President Jefferson.
We believed that it would be
possible to develop this entire
continent for the purpose of
opening commerce with the great
wealth of the Far East. Does any
of that make sense?

SIMETH
The FAR EAST. Yes sir, it does.

CLARK
I know that it does. I have heard
from my men here that you have an
exceptional talent at the head of a
wagon.

SIMETH
Do I?
CLARK
Come now. Don't be modest. From
what I hear you're a born driver.
(MORE)
42.

CLARK (cont'd)
You know how to hold a trail and
move it and left my men standing as
still as... Perseus under Medusa's
gaze!

SIMETH
Medusa? You mean The GORGON lives?

Simeth tries to get up.

CLARK
Sit down, Smith. Look... this
country needs men like you. This
FORT is the main station on the
greatest quest in the history of
human civilization. We Yankees are
moving onward, son. We are doing
it quickly and I need your help.

SIMETH
You need me? But I have to get
back home.

CLARK
I GET IT. Every man is bound to
something. It makes us who we are.
In fact, I wish I had a hundred men
like you. It's rare as hens teeth,
you know? But there is such thing
as a calling, Smith. It rings all
across this great frontier. Help
me build up the trail to the West
and fulfill the promise of Liberty
and I'll give a hundred journeys
for you to behold.
SIMETH
Forgive me, General. I just wanted
to talk to your prisoner.

CLARK
THE SCOTCHMAN? Dammit, Smith! I
am discussing with you a matter of
destiny!

SIMETH
Destiny? Sir, my destiny lies --

CLARK
It lies here!

SIMETH
I should go now.
CLARK
Fine, Smith. You best be on your
way. Safe travels.
43.

Simeth gets up and heads for the door. He hesitates.

SIMETH
What is to become of the prisoner?

CLARK
Who?

SIMETH
The Scotch...Man?

CLARK
Oh yes. Your friend the Scotchman.
We'll certainly make all
arrangements to accommodate that...
man. He'll probably be remanded to
New York and the surrendered to the
Commodore who will deal with him as
he sees fit. Most likely treason
against the British Empire. Quite
the high crime. In either regard
Smith, you are free to go.

SIMETH
Treason?

CLARK
Go. Smith. That's what you want
isn't it?

Clark turns around and sits down. He opens a cigar case on
the desk and lights one up. Simeth looks Clark in the eye
for a long moment.

SIMETH
What do I have to do to see my
friend?
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Adventure","Drama"]

Summary In a tense confrontation, Clark, an authoritative soldier, interrogates Simeth, a prisoner, about his friend Badpiper, who is wanted for mutiny. Despite Simeth's defense of Badpiper's honor, Clark pressures him to abandon his loyalty in favor of a national mission. As Simeth grapples with the implications for his friend, he is left questioning what he must do to help Badpiper, highlighting the conflict between personal loyalty and broader obligations.
Strengths
  • Tense dialogue
  • Revealing character dynamics
  • Advancing plot significantly
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Lack of physical action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and conflict through the dialogue and reveals crucial information about the characters and the unfolding plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of loyalty, betrayal, and national duty is well-developed through the interaction between Simeth and General Clark.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as Simeth learns about Badpiper's true identity and the consequences of his association with him.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its historical setting and the unique character dynamics. The dialogue feels authentic to the time period and the conflicts are complex and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Simeth and General Clark are well-defined and their conflicting motivations add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Simeth undergoes a shift in perspective as he learns the truth about Badpiper, leading to internal conflict.

Internal Goal: 8

Simeth's internal goal is to maintain his loyalty to his friend, Badpiper, while also navigating the dangerous situation he finds himself in. He is torn between his sense of duty and his personal relationships.

External Goal: 7

Simeth's external goal is to navigate the interrogation and potential consequences of his association with Badpiper. He must decide whether to cooperate with Clark or protect his friend.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Simeth's loyalty to Badpiper and his duty to the nation creates a tense and dramatic atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and goals between the characters. Simeth faces a difficult choice between loyalty to his friend and duty to the nation.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident as Simeth grapples with the consequences of his association with a wanted criminal and his loyalty to the nation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing crucial information and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics and moral choices faced by the characters. The audience is kept on edge as they wonder how Simeth will navigate the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around duty, loyalty, and the greater good. Clark represents the duty to the nation and the pursuit of justice, while Simeth represents loyalty to his friend and personal relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including tension, intrigue, and conflict.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, moral dilemmas, and intense character interactions. The dialogue and pacing keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with moments of intensity and reflection. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly and contributes to the overall tone of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional interrogation format but adds depth through the philosophical conflict and character development. The pacing and dialogue contribute to the tension and drama.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes tension between Simeth and Clark, showcasing Clark's authoritative demeanor and Simeth's desperation to help Badpiper. However, the dialogue can feel overly expository at times, particularly when Clark explains the situation regarding Badpiper's mutiny. This could be streamlined to maintain the scene's pacing and keep the audience engaged.
  • Simeth's character is portrayed as earnest and concerned, but his responses sometimes lack emotional depth. Adding more internal conflict or urgency in his dialogue could enhance the stakes for his character, making the audience more invested in his plight.
  • Clark's character is intriguing, but his motivations could be clearer. While he speaks of destiny and the expansion of the nation, it would be beneficial to hint at his personal stakes or past experiences that drive his passion. This would add layers to his character and make the confrontation with Simeth more compelling.
  • The physicality of the scene is somewhat lacking. While the dialogue is central, incorporating more actions or reactions from Simeth and Clark could enhance the tension. For example, showing Simeth's body language or Clark's movements could visually convey their emotional states and the power dynamics at play.
  • The ending line, where Simeth asks what he must do to see his friend, is strong but could be more impactful if it followed a moment of heightened tension or realization. Building up to this question with a more intense exchange could make it resonate more with the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the dialogue to reduce exposition. Instead of Clark explaining Badpiper's situation in detail, allow Simeth to piece together the information through his reactions and questions, creating a more dynamic exchange.
  • Add more emotional stakes for Simeth. Perhaps include a flashback or a brief mention of his bond with Badpiper to deepen the audience's understanding of why he is so desperate to help him.
  • Clarify Clark's motivations. A line or two that hints at his past experiences or personal stakes in the westward expansion could make his character more relatable and complex.
  • Incorporate more physical actions or reactions to enhance the tension. For example, show Simeth fidgeting or pacing as he speaks, or have Clark move closer to Simeth to assert his dominance, creating a more visually engaging scene.
  • Build up to Simeth's final question with a moment of realization or emotional intensity. This could involve a brief pause or a shift in tone that emphasizes the gravity of the situation, making the question feel like a climax of the scene.



Scene 14 -  Escape from the Frontier
EXT. FORT STREET - DAY

Simeth and Guard burst out of the doors to the headquarters.
Guard holds Simeth's arm and walks him to the wagon. They
reach it and Simeth shakes his arm free.

GUARD
Watch yourself out there, boy.
This here frontier is full of
danger. Sure would hate it if you
got into any trouble.

Simeth looks at Guard. He says nothing and begins getting
things ready.

SIMETH
(without looking up)
Where is the Scotchman?
44.

GUARD
(laughing)
Oh your friend? I believe that is
him there, now.

Simeth looks up to see Badpiper being carried on the back of
Lieutenant's horse. His hands are tied behind his back and
he is yelling what sounds like curse words in Scottish
Gaelic.

They get to the wagon and Lieutenant dismounts and
unceremoniously picks up Badpiper and throws him into the
dirt. He gets back on the horse and addresses Badpiper.

LIEUTENANT
Best be on your way. Your next
visit here will be your last.

BADPIPER
Aye? Well, give us a kiss then...

Lieutenant kicks his horse and Badpiper gets a face full of
dirt. Guard laughs and gives Simeth a pat on the back and
walks away. Badpiper spits.

BADPIPER
Fine lot that, Smith! Guess they
are still HOT about our lads having
tea with Dolly Madison in her
parlour back in FOURTEEN.

SIMETH
We need to go.

BADPIPER
Oh, I AGREE. Now, how about a wee
bit o' help here?
Simeth looks at Badpiper a second and climbs in the wagon.
He grabs the harness and waits. Badpiper takes a deep
breath.

BADPIPER
(working on ropes)
Fine...

Simeth waits until Badpiper jumps up into the wagon.

BADPIPER
(rubbing wrists)
Leave none behind, aye Smith? Your
TRUE COLOURS are showing you know
that? Well, anchor's aweigh then.
Simeth whips the harness and Badpiper looks at him as he
holds on. They head to the front gates.
45.
Genres: ["Adventure","Comedy","Western"]

Summary Simeth and Guard exit the headquarters, with Guard cautioning Simeth about the dangers of the frontier. Simeth expresses concern for his friend Badpiper, who is seen being roughly thrown off a horse by a Lieutenant. Despite the Lieutenant's harsh treatment, Badpiper maintains his humor and camaraderie with Simeth. As they prepare to leave in a wagon, Badpiper thanks Simeth for his help, and they set off together, ready to face the challenges ahead.
Strengths
  • Dynamic character interactions
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Engaging setting
Weaknesses
  • Some scenes may feel rushed
  • Character motivations could be further developed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends humor, action, and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and entertained. The dynamic between Simeth and Badpiper adds depth to the story and sets the stage for further developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of two unlikely companions embarking on a journey in a frontier town is engaging and sets the stage for potential conflicts and character growth. The introduction of Badpiper's mutiny subplot adds intrigue to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Simeth and Badpiper encounter obstacles and conflicts, setting the stage for their journey and potential character development. The scene introduces new challenges and characters, adding depth to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on a frontier setting with unique character interactions and dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and speech adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Simeth and Badpiper are well-developed characters with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions are entertaining and reveal layers of their personalities, setting the stage for potential growth and conflict.

Character Changes: 7

Both Simeth and Badpiper undergo subtle changes in their dynamic and understanding of each other throughout the scene. Their interactions and challenges set the stage for potential growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Simeth's internal goal is to maintain composure and focus on the task at hand despite the chaotic and potentially dangerous situation. This reflects his need for control and his desire to succeed in his mission.

External Goal: 7.5

Simeth's external goal is to leave the area safely with Badpiper and avoid any further confrontation with the authorities. This reflects the immediate challenge of escaping without getting into trouble.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with conflicts, both internal and external, as Simeth and Badpiper navigate through the frontier town. The tension between the characters and the external threats add depth to the story.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, but not overwhelming to the point of overshadowing the characters' development.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as Simeth and Badpiper face external threats and challenges in the frontier town. The potential consequences of their actions add tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, characters, and challenges for Simeth and Badpiper. The progression of their journey sets the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in dialogue and character actions, keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between authority and rebellion. Badpiper represents rebellion against the Lieutenant's authority, while Simeth tries to navigate between the two sides. This challenges Simeth's beliefs about loyalty and following orders.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from humor to suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey. The interactions between Simeth and Badpiper add emotional depth to the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and engaging, capturing the personalities of Simeth and Badpiper. The banter between the characters adds depth to their relationship and drives the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic character interactions, humor, and tension that keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of action, dialogue, and description that keeps the story moving forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a frontier adventure, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the tension between Simeth and the Guard, highlighting the dangers of the frontier. However, the dialogue could be more dynamic to better reflect the urgency of Simeth's situation and his concern for Badpiper.
  • Badpiper's introduction is humorous and engaging, but the transition from Simeth's serious inquiry about his friend to the light-hearted banter feels abrupt. This shift in tone could be smoothed out to maintain narrative flow.
  • The Lieutenant's treatment of Badpiper is a strong visual moment, but it could benefit from more descriptive language to enhance the emotional impact of Badpiper's humiliation. This would deepen the audience's connection to the characters.
  • Simeth's character comes across as somewhat passive in this scene. While he is focused on getting Badpiper, adding more internal conflict or urgency in his actions could make him more relatable and proactive.
  • The dialogue, while humorous, sometimes lacks clarity. For instance, Badpiper's reference to 'tea with Dolly Madison' may confuse viewers unfamiliar with the historical context. A more straightforward line could maintain the humor while ensuring clarity.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Simeth to express his anxiety about Badpiper's situation, which would enhance his character development and create a stronger emotional connection with the audience.
  • Introduce a moment of tension or conflict between Simeth and the Guard that escalates the stakes, perhaps by having the Guard express doubt about Simeth's ability to handle the dangers ahead.
  • Enhance Badpiper's dialogue with more vivid imagery or metaphors that reflect his Scottish heritage, making his character more distinct and memorable.
  • Incorporate physical actions or reactions from Simeth that reflect his frustration or urgency, such as pacing or fidgeting, to visually convey his emotional state.
  • Consider revising Badpiper's line about 'tea with Dolly Madison' to something more universally relatable or humorous, ensuring that the audience can appreciate the joke without needing historical context.



Scene 15 -  Diverging Paths
EXT. TRAIL - DAY

The wagon pulls out and Simeth suddenly gives a command to
the mule and stops it dead in its tracks.

BADPIPER
What now, Smith? Dinnae you
remember the way?

SIMETH
I'm not going.

BADPIPER
Wa? Are ye daft man? Remember?
You back to your your wee lovely
hame and me to plunder the riches
of Balliol in San Louee. That's
the DEAL!

SIMETH
I have to return to Westport.
There is something I need there.

BADPIPER
Westport? Madness! After all we
ha just been through? You've lost
the plot, Admiral, if I should
speak it true. And I will.

Simeth pulls the map out of his pocket and unfolds it.
Badpiper tries to grab it from him.

BADPIPER
Violating a mans stowage now, I
see. Are we, Smith?

SIMETH
I need to know where you got this.

BADPIPER
For god's sake, man. It's an
officer's issue. There be one on
every ship. Dinnae you know?

SIMETH
It's wrong.

BADPIPER
Wrong? What in heavens are you on
about now? If I should even ask.

Simeth shows Badpiper the empty space.

SIMETH
Here. Past the Pillars. What is
this?

Badpiper gives it a glance.
46.

BADPIPER
That there?

SIMETH
That's right.

BADPIPER
We'll I'm no MAGELLAN -- laddy --
but I do believe it's water. A bit
here and over here as well. In
fact it's all over the bloody
place!

SIMETH
It cannot be. There is an island
there.

BADPIPER
Smitty -- with GOD as me witness --
there is no island! Or every ship
in the British navy would have seen
it by now. I've been there me own
self!

SIMETH
Here? It was all sea?

BADPIPER
Wet as marlin's piss, that's right.

SIMETH
I'm going back to Westport.
Whether or not you are in support
is of no concern to me. The choice
is yours.

BADPIPER
Look. You got your wagon. We said
goodbye to the wankers. Now let's
be off and done with it, alright?

SIMETH
I'm going back. Are you onboard?

BADPIPER
You know something, Smith? I think
you're as mad as a scunnery ram.
You go on and find your lost wee
island. I'll leave ya to it.

Badpiper jumps out of the wagon.

BADPIPER
Go right ahead, Admiral. Tell all
the MERMAIDS I said hello.

SIMETH
What about your case here?
47.

BADPIPER
FORGET the bloody thing. I'll be
the Emperor of Missouri by the time
you get dried off.

SIMETH
Fine. Good luck.

BADPIPER
Bah! Fill yer boots and go and mar
sin leat, ya knob.

Simeth whips the harness and heads back to Westport.
Badpiper stands in the trail watching him pull away.
Genres: ["Adventure","Comedy","Drama"]

Summary In a tense confrontation on a trail, Simeth insists on returning to Westport for an important matter, defying Badpiper's protests about their plundering plans. As their argument escalates over a mysterious island marked on a map, Badpiper, frustrated by Simeth's decision, chooses to part ways. The scene culminates with Badpiper jumping out of the wagon, symbolizing their diverging paths, as Simeth drives back to Westport, leaving Badpiper behind.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Dynamic character interactions
  • Mystery and intrigue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends humor, drama, and curiosity, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued. The dynamic between Simeth and Badpiper adds depth to the narrative, while the mystery of the missing island adds an element of suspense. The dialogue is sharp and entertaining, contributing to the overall enjoyment of the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the missing island on the map introduces a compelling mystery that drives the plot forward. Simeth's decision to return to Westport despite Badpiper's objections adds tension and conflict to the scene, setting up future developments. The concept of exploration and discovery is central to the scene, creating a sense of adventure and intrigue.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around Simeth's decision to return to Westport and the mystery of the missing island on the map. The conflict between Simeth and Badpiper adds depth to the narrative, while the dialogue and character interactions move the story forward. The scene sets up future developments and keeps the audience engaged.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique conflict between belief and skepticism, as well as a sense of mystery and adventure. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Simeth and Badpiper are well-developed and engaging, with distinct personalities that drive the scene. Simeth is determined and curious, while Badpiper is humorous and irreverent. Their interactions create humor and conflict, adding depth to the narrative. The characters' dynamic is central to the scene's success.

Character Changes: 6

Simeth's decision to return to Westport represents a subtle change in his character, as he follows his curiosity and sense of purpose. Badpiper's reluctance to join him reflects his stubbornness and independence. The scene sets up potential character growth and development in future interactions.

Internal Goal: 8

Simeth's internal goal is to return to Westport, driven by a mysterious need that he believes can only be fulfilled there. This reflects his deeper desire for closure or resolution.

External Goal: 7

Simeth's external goal is to convince Badpiper to join him on his journey back to Westport. This reflects the immediate challenge of gaining support for his decision.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Simeth and Badpiper drives the scene, as they clash over Simeth's decision to return to Westport. The mystery of the missing island adds tension and intrigue, creating conflict and suspense. The characters' differing motivations and personalities contribute to the conflict, keeping the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition between Simeth and Badpiper adds tension and uncertainty to the scene, keeping the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in the scene are moderate, as Simeth's decision to return to Westport could have consequences for his future adventures. The mystery of the missing island adds a sense of urgency and importance to the narrative, raising the stakes for the characters. The conflict between Simeth and Badpiper also adds tension and drama.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward, as Simeth's decision to return to Westport sets up future developments and conflicts. The mystery of the missing island adds intrigue and suspense, driving the plot forward. The dialogue and character interactions contribute to the progression of the narrative, keeping the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected conflict between Simeth and Badpiper, as well as the mystery of the island beyond the Pillars.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Simeth's belief in the existence of an island beyond the Pillars and Badpiper's skepticism. This challenges Simeth's worldview and beliefs about the world.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, as the audience is drawn into the conflict between Simeth and Badpiper. The humor and banter between the characters add levity to the scene, while the mystery of the missing island creates intrigue. The emotional impact is heightened by the characters' dynamic and the uncertainty of their future.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is witty, sharp, and engaging, reflecting the contrasting personalities of Simeth and Badpiper. The banter between the characters adds humor and depth to the narrative, while also revealing their motivations and conflicts. The dialogue moves the story forward and keeps the audience entertained.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interaction between the characters, the mystery surrounding Simeth's goal, and the humor in the dialogue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and revealing character motivations, leading to a satisfying resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dialogue-driven confrontation, with clear character motivations and development.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Simeth and Badpiper effectively captures their contrasting motivations, with Simeth's determination to return to Westport clashing with Badpiper's desire for adventure and riches. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext; while their motivations are clear, adding layers to their conversation could enhance the emotional stakes.
  • The scene's pacing feels uneven, particularly in the back-and-forth exchanges. Some lines could be trimmed or rephrased for a snappier rhythm, which would heighten the tension and urgency of their disagreement.
  • Badpiper's character comes across as humorous and irreverent, but his motivations could be more clearly defined. Why is he so eager to plunder? Adding a line or two that hints at his backstory or personal stakes could deepen his character and make the audience more invested in his journey.
  • Simeth's resolve is commendable, but the scene could benefit from a moment of vulnerability or doubt. This would make him more relatable and allow the audience to connect with his internal struggle about leaving behind the adventure for a personal mission.
  • The visual elements of the scene are somewhat lacking. Describing the setting more vividly could enhance the atmosphere and provide context for their argument. For example, mentioning the landscape, the weather, or the sounds of the trail could ground the scene in a more immersive way.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Simeth reflects on what Westport means to him, perhaps hinting at a personal connection or a promise he made, which would give more weight to his decision to leave.
  • Incorporate more physical actions or reactions from both characters to complement their dialogue. For instance, Badpiper could show frustration through body language, or Simeth could exhibit signs of hesitation before making his decision.
  • Introduce a brief flashback or a line that references a past adventure or a shared experience between Simeth and Badpiper. This could serve to remind the audience of their bond and make their conflict more poignant.
  • To enhance the comedic elements, consider adding a humorous misunderstanding or a witty retort that reflects Badpiper's character while also advancing the plot.
  • End the scene with a stronger visual or emotional image, such as Simeth looking back at Badpiper as he rides away, which could symbolize their diverging paths and add a layer of poignancy to the moment.



Scene 16 -  Dusk of Danger
EXT. TRAIL - DUSK

It's getting dark as Badpiper is singing and stumbling
along. He is off his boots. He shakes his head and curses
about the fool he believes Simeth to be.

BADPIPER
(singing)
" O would, ere I had seen the day.
That Treason thus could sell us.
My auld grey head had lien in clay.
Wi' Bruce and loyal Wallace! "

As he continues, a wagon SPEEDS by and he raises his thumb
and tries to catch a lift. It leaves him in a cloud of dust
and he half way raises up his kilt as an insult.

BADPIPER
" O my Luve is like a red, red
rose... "

BANG! of a gunshot. The ground in front of Badpiper kicks
up dust. He shakes out of it for a moment and looks around.

We see that the army men have settled into position with
Badpiper in full view.

ARMY SCOUT
Did you even sign out on that
rifle, sir? You do know the
regulations.

LIEUTENANT
Ain't got to sign if you are
hunting wild game. He looks wild,
don't he?

Army Scout shakes his head and Lieutenant prepares another
shot. He lines Badpiper up in his sights. He fires.
Dust kicks up again at Badpiper's feet as the bullet
ricochets away. He realizes he is in grave danger.
Lieutenant laughs with glee.
48.

LIEUTENANT
Wooo! Weee! Seen that? That
jumped him good.

Army Scout shakes his head again. Badpiper frantically runs
away from the road trying to find some kind of cover.

ARMY SCOUT
All right you got him. Let's go.

LIEUTENANT
Got him? No! That just stirred him
a little. Wait a minute.

Lieutenant raises back the rifle and fires. The bullet
passes through Badpiper's kilt and nearly strikes him in the
leg. He stumbles over off the trail next to a tree.

ARMY SCOUT
We gotta go.

LIEUTENANT
Wait a minute! Not yet.

He raises up the rifle and puts Badpiper back in his sights.
He smiles and laughs to himself.

Small Hawk and his friends emerge from the wind itself.
Badpiper looks up at them assuming they want to kill him
like everybody else.

He is wrong. Small Hawk reaches down and picks up Badpiper
and pulls him onto the back of his NEW WHITE MUSTANG. The
other natives cry loudly as Small Hawk rides away with
Badpiper in tow.

LIEUTENANT
What the? No...

He tries to get his sights back but they are riding away too
fast. He looks back at Army Scout in anger. Army Scout
turns away and smiles.
Genres: ["Western","Adventure","Comedy"]

Summary As dusk settles, Badpiper, barefoot and singing, finds himself targeted by a Lieutenant and his Army Scout who take pleasure in shooting at him. Despite his attempts to escape, the situation grows tense until Small Hawk and his friends arrive on a white mustang, rescuing Badpiper just in time and allowing them to flee, leaving the frustrated Lieutenant behind.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Dynamic characters
  • Blend of humor and action
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched Western tropes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends humor, action, and suspense to create an engaging and entertaining sequence that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a comedic character being chased by army men in a Western setting while being saved by Native Americans adds a unique and entertaining twist to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Badpiper's antics lead to a dangerous situation, adding tension and excitement to the scene.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a unique conflict between the army men and Small Hawk's group, adding a fresh twist to the familiar theme of survival. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Badpiper and the army men, are well-developed and add depth to the scene. Badpiper's comedic nature contrasts with the seriousness of the army men, creating an interesting dynamic.

Character Changes: 6

Badpiper's character undergoes a slight change as he goes from being a comedic figure to a vulnerable one in danger, showcasing a different side of his personality.

Internal Goal: 8

Badpiper's internal goal is to survive and escape the army men who are trying to shoot him. This reflects his fear of being killed and his desire to stay alive.

External Goal: 7

Badpiper's external goal is to evade the army men and find safety. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing of being shot at and pursued.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Badpiper and the army men, as well as the danger he faces, creates a high level of tension and suspense in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the army men posing a significant threat to Badpiper's survival. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the suspense and drama of the scene.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Badpiper faces danger from the army men and must rely on Small Hawk and his friends for help, adding a sense of urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and alliances for the characters, setting the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected rescue of Badpiper by Small Hawk and his friends. The shift in power dynamics adds a surprising twist to the conflict.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the value of human life and the use of violence. The army men see Badpiper as a target for hunting, while Small Hawk and his friends value life and rescue Badpiper. This challenges Badpiper's beliefs about survival and the morality of violence.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from amusement at Badpiper's antics to concern for his safety as he is pursued by the army men.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty and engaging, adding humor and tension to the scene. Badpiper's banter with the army men and Small Hawk's silent actions contribute to the overall tone.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and dramatic conflict. The reader is drawn into the tension and suspense of Badpiper's escape.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and description that maintains the tension and urgency of the situation. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness in conveying the characters' emotions and motivations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and characters.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, climax, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the urgency of the situation.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Badpiper's comedic and desperate situation, showcasing his character's resilience and humor in the face of danger. However, the transition from his light-hearted singing to the sudden threat of gunfire feels abrupt. This shift could be smoothed out with a more gradual build-up to the tension, perhaps by incorporating more environmental cues that foreshadow the danger.
  • The dialogue is engaging and reflects Badpiper's personality well, but the use of song lyrics may distract from the urgency of the moment. While it adds to his character, it could be trimmed or altered to maintain the scene's pacing and tension. Consider using shorter, more impactful lines that convey his frustration without losing the comedic tone.
  • The interaction between the Lieutenant and Army Scout provides a humorous contrast to the tension, but the dialogue could be sharpened to enhance their personalities. The Lieutenant's glee in hunting Badpiper is clear, but adding a line that reveals his motivations or backstory could deepen his character and make the scene more engaging.
  • The introduction of Small Hawk and his friends is a strong moment, but it could benefit from a clearer visual description of their entrance. The phrase 'emerge from the wind itself' is poetic but vague; providing a more concrete image would help the audience visualize the moment and heighten the impact of their arrival.
  • The scene ends on a cliffhanger with Badpiper being rescued, which is effective for maintaining suspense. However, it might be beneficial to include a brief moment of reflection from Badpiper before he is whisked away, allowing the audience to connect with his emotions and the gravity of the situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a few lines of dialogue or action that hint at the approaching danger before the gunfire starts, creating a more gradual build-up to the tension.
  • Trim or modify the song lyrics to maintain the pacing of the scene, focusing on shorter lines that convey Badpiper's frustration without detracting from the urgency.
  • Enhance the Lieutenant's character by adding a line that reveals his motivations or backstory, making him more than just a comedic antagonist.
  • Provide a clearer visual description of Small Hawk and his friends as they arrive to rescue Badpiper, ensuring the audience can easily picture the moment.
  • Include a brief moment of reflection from Badpiper before his rescue, allowing the audience to connect with his emotions and the stakes of the situation.



Scene 17 -  Shipbuilding Dreams and Wagon Shop Realities
EXT. CAMPSITE - NIGHT

Simeth sits at another campfire. His mind races as he
ponders the way forward.

He hears something. A rumble in the darkness. He stands.

Small Hawk arrives with Badpiper seated on the back of the
white mustang.

BADPIPER
Ahoy, Admiral!

Small Hawk stops and stares. Badpiper jumps off the mustang
and gives Small Hawk a wave. He turns to Simeth.
49.

BADPIPER
Good lads, these. Best riders in
Kansas I'd say.

Simeth looks at Small Hawk and raises his hand in
appreciation. He stares back at him then rides off into the
cover of night, leaving Simeth and Badpiper at the fire.

SIMETH
I thought you were going to MISS --
ISS -- OURI?

BADPIPER
Nah. I've been banned. Good
story.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Simeth and Badpiper have returned to the streets of Westport
and appear to be in the middle of another argument.

BADPIPER
It's just a map, Smith. Why don't
you ask King George why your wee
island ain't there? I believe you
and him would get on well. No --
in fact -- I'm sure of it.

SIMETH
What was your vessel?

BADPIPER
If you must know, the HMS DEFIANT.
The most fearsome ship to ever part
the waves. If there was anything
there, we would ha' landed on it.
SIMETH
I want to build her.

BADPIPER
Ha! Build yourself a flagship? Is
that what this is about? In case
you didn't realize it, there ain't
so much as a puddle of mud ROUND
THESE PARTS with which to paddle
on! See?

SIMETH
She's not going out to sea.

BADPIPER
Well then you're sure to save a
fortune in tar and pitch to keep
the blue ocean outside of her if
she's not to see a drop of water!
Please take the next left up ahead
so I can speak to the good doctor
on your behalf, mate.
50.

Simeth and Badpiper pull back up to the front of John
Henry's wagon shop. Badpiper slaps his knee.

BADPIPER
I see. No finer place to find a
ship than a bloody wagon shop!

Simeth jumps down from the wagon and heads for the door.
Badpiper crosses his arms and shakes his head.

BADPIPER
All right. I'll just wait here
then. Smith?

Badpiper begins tapping his toe and then jumps down from the
wagon and follows Simeth inside.
Genres: ["Western","Adventure","Comedy"]

Summary Simeth sits by a campfire pondering his next move when Badpiper arrives with Small Hawk, engaging in a humorous debate about Simeth's impractical dream of building a ship, the HMS Defiant, in a landlocked area. Their playful argument continues as they make their way to John Henry's wagon shop, where Badpiper sarcastically questions the logic of finding a ship in a wagon shop. The scene captures their light-hearted banter and contrasting perspectives, ending with Simeth entering the shop and Badpiper reluctantly following.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Dynamic character interactions
  • Humorous moments
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development
  • Some dialogue may be overly verbose or repetitive

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, with a good balance of humor, adventure, and conflict. The introduction of new characters and the development of existing ones keep the audience interested.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a lost traveler from Atlantis navigating the frontier with a British Navy mutineer adds an intriguing layer to the story. The clash of cultures and personalities creates dynamic interactions.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Simeth and Badpiper continue their journey, facing disagreements and challenges along the way. The introduction of new conflicts and revelations keeps the story moving forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique characters and settings, blending historical and adventurous elements in a fresh way. The dialogue feels authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Badpiper and Small Hawk, bring humor and depth to the scene. Their unique personalities and interactions add richness to the story.

Character Changes: 5

While there are subtle shifts in the dynamics between characters, particularly between Simeth and Badpiper, there are no significant character changes in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Simeth's internal goal is to find direction and purpose in his life. He is searching for meaning and a sense of belonging.

External Goal: 7

Simeth's external goal is to build a ship, symbolizing his desire for adventure and exploration.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily stemming from the disagreements between Simeth and Badpiper. The clash of personalities and goals creates tension.

Opposition: 7

The opposition between Simeth and Badpiper adds conflict and tension to the scene, creating obstacles for the protagonist to overcome.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate in this scene, with the potential consequences of Simeth and Badpiper's decisions affecting their journey and relationships. The conflict between them adds tension to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting the stage for future developments. The journey continues with new challenges and revelations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in dialogue and character motivations. The audience is kept on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of pursuing dreams and ambitions in a practical world. Simeth's desire to build a ship clashes with the reality of his surroundings.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from amusement at Badpiper's antics to curiosity about Simeth's past. The interactions between characters add depth to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty and engaging, capturing the personalities of the characters. The banter between Simeth and Badpiper adds humor and tension to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic characters, witty dialogue, and sense of mystery. The interactions between Simeth and Badpiper keep the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining audience interest. The dialogue flows smoothly and keeps the story moving.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression. It maintains a good pace and rhythm.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the camaraderie between Simeth and Badpiper, showcasing their contrasting personalities through witty banter. However, the transition from the previous scene to this one feels abrupt, as the emotional stakes from Badpiper's escape are not fully explored. It would benefit from a moment of reflection or acknowledgment of the danger Badpiper faced before diving into their argument.
  • The dialogue is humorous and captures the characters' personalities well, but it occasionally feels overly expository. For instance, Badpiper's lines about the HMS Defiant and the lack of water could be streamlined to maintain the comedic tone without losing the audience's engagement. The humor should feel organic rather than forced.
  • The visual elements of the scene are somewhat lacking. While the dialogue is strong, the setting could be more vividly described to enhance the atmosphere. Adding sensory details about the campsite, such as the crackling of the fire or the chill in the air, would help ground the audience in the moment.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved. The rapid back-and-forth between Simeth and Badpiper is entertaining, but it risks losing the audience's connection to the characters' emotional journeys. Slowing down the dialogue in key moments could allow for more impactful character development.
  • The introduction of Small Hawk is somewhat underutilized. While he is present, his role in the scene is minimal, and his character could be given more depth or involvement in the conversation. This would also help to establish the dynamics between the three characters more clearly.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection for Simeth after Badpiper's arrival, allowing him to process the danger his friend just escaped. This could heighten the emotional stakes and provide a smoother transition into their banter.
  • Streamline the dialogue to reduce exposition. Instead of having Badpiper explain the lack of water, consider using a more subtle approach that allows the audience to infer the absurdity of building a ship in a wagon shop.
  • Enhance the visual description of the campsite to create a more immersive atmosphere. Include details about the fire, the surrounding environment, and the characters' physical actions to draw the audience into the scene.
  • Adjust the pacing by allowing for pauses in the dialogue, especially after key lines. This can create a more natural rhythm and give the audience time to absorb the humor and emotional weight of the conversation.
  • Give Small Hawk a more active role in the scene, perhaps by having him contribute to the conversation or react to Badpiper's antics. This would enrich the character dynamics and provide a more rounded interaction among the trio.



Scene 18 -  The Conestoga Conundrum
INT. SHOP - DAY

Simeth rushes inside just near the resting dog. This time
the old boy does not raise a fuss and Simeth gives him a pat
on the head. Badpiper follows and reaches down to pet the
dog. He recoils as he receives a menacing GROWL!

SIMETH
John? Are you in?

He walks to the rear of the shop and hears the loud
hammering.

SIMETH
John!

John Henry is on one knee pounding away at a wagon axle with
his large hammer. Simeth tries to get his attention with
both hands on his mouth.
SIMETH
HENRY!

John Henry continues to hammer away when suddenly the old
dog starts barking. John Henry stops and looks up from his
work. He doesn't turn around.

JOHN HENRY
A handshake is a man's word here.
We had a deal, pure and simple,
when you got your ride out of town.

SIMETH
I know. A fine wagon. It outran
the US ARMY.

Simeth looks back at Badpiper.
BADPIPER
Uhh? Fine wagon! Never mind all
that rust. Shes the best ride I've
had outside of Boston.
51.

Simeth frowns at Badpiper who shrugs his shoulders and
raises his hands. John Henry stands up and turns around and
looks at them. His face turns from growl to a smile again.
He proudly points the hammer at Simeth.

JOHN HENRY
I told ya. It's a cannonball!
Didn't I? Didn't I?

John Henry grabs Simeth by the shoulders and shakes him in
celebration while Simeth smiles uncomfortably. Badpiper
begins quickly nodding his head and joins in the laughter.

John Henry lets go of Simeth and starts walking back towards
the front of the shop.

JOHN HENRY
So why did y'all come back over
this way then? Want another
HARNESS? Got some fine new wheels
too...

SIMETH
No I want something else, Henry.

JOHN HENRY
JOHN...

John Henry extends his giant hand and Simeth nervously
obliges, greeting it correctly this time.

SIMETH
Yes. JOHN. That is a fine wagon
out there.

BADPIPER
Oh yeah.
SIMETH
But. You see. I need something
else now. Something more.

JOHN HENRY
(turns away from Simeth)
What you talking about now, son? I
gave you the best.

SIMETH
Yes. But there is something else I
must have.

JOHN HENRY
You not hearing me too good this
morning, boy? I give you the best.
Now that's it. I got work to do.

BADPIPER
See that, Smith? He's a busy man.
Now let's let him be and go.
52.

SIMETH
No. One more thing.

JOHN HENRY
What?

BADPIPER
What...

The old dog BARKS perfectly along on cue. Simeth runs over
to the wagon with the dusty cover and raises his arms.

SIMETH
CONESTOGA!

John Henry stops a minute and stares at Simeth. Suddenly he
bursts out into laughter.

JOHN HENRY
Is that all? You and this bean
sprout with you here come all the
way back to Westport cause you want
to drive a, a Conestogee? Hahaha
(turning to Badpiper)
You sure this boy ain't got seaweed
for brains?

BADPIPER
I have wondered to be honest.

SIMETH
I can drive it.

JOHN HENRY
It's like I said, a Conestogee
needs a team to pull her along.
Unless you want to strap a harness
to string bean here, I'd say you
running about half a score short.

SIMETH
I'm not going to pull her. I'm
going to push her.

John Henry gives out an uproarious laugh and forcefully
slaps Badpiper on the back. Badpiper winces in pain.

JOHN HENRY
Push her? You and SPIKE here gonna
get in the back and push a ton of
wagon down the 'ol dusty trail by
yourself?

SIMETH
I have considered a different means
of locomotion.
53.

JOHN HENRY
Different? There ain't no other
way to move no wagon than sweat and
muscle. That's all there ever was
or will be. And you two have got a
whole lot of nothing of both.

John Henry begins marching towards the door and grabs
Badpiper by the collar and begins to escort him outside.

JOHN HENRY
I had enough of this today. You
all need to get on down the road.

John Henry flings open the front door and a sudden GUST of
Kansas wind rips it right off its hinges. John Henry
changes his grip on Badpiper as they look back at Simeth.
Simeth flashes a wide grin and the old dog starts barking
and wagging its tail.

MONTAGE - MUSIC CUE: "Ride Like the Wind" Christopher Cross

- John Henry and Simeth are standing at the front of the
conestoga, each with a piece of the tarp in their hands, as
Badpiper stands in front counting down. They pull it on the
count of three and a huge cloud of dust flies into
Badpiper's face. He blinks and gives a thumbs up.

- The wagon sits in the shop and Badpiper and Simeth are
taking a wheel off of it. John Henry walks in smiling and
pushing a bigger wheel and Simeth shakes his head. John
Henry frowns and rolls the wheel back out.

- Simeth is rigging up some ropes inside the conestoga and
Badpiper calls out to him. Badpiper has painted DEFIANT on
the side of the wagon to give it a name. Simeth shakes his
head and Badpiper angrily starts wiping it off.
- Outside the back of the shop a crowd has gathered as
Simeth and Badpiper are shirtless. Badpiper is covered in
tattoos. They each have a large pole in their hands that is
tied to a rope that John Henry is tugging on with a pulley.
They begin lifting it up and into the center of the wagon as
the crowd celebrates. Simeth and Badpiper shake hands.

- Simeth is rigging some ropes up to the pole in the middle
of the wagon when Badpiper calls him over again. He has
written DESTINY on the side this time. Simeth shakes his
head and Badpiper angrily wipes it off a second time.

- Simeth has set up a large steering wheel in the front of
the wagon and is observing the axles shift back and forth.
He smiles and looks back and notices that Badpiper is passed
out near the front. Simeth walks over and loops a rope
around his ankle and pulls sharply on the pulley. Badpiper
is lifted wildly into the air and barely manages to hold
down his kilt as the passers-by cheer on loudly. John Henry
rolls out an even larger wheel and Simeth nods in approval
nearly dropping Badpiper who then gives the crowd a wave.
54.

- The three men are all standing in front of their work. It
is a wagon with giant wheels on the axles with large sails
attached to the top. They start shaking hands and Badpiper
tells them to wait a minute. He rushes over to the side of
the wagon where a tarp is covering the side. He lifts up
the tarp to reveal that he has painted DUSTER on the side.
Simeth smiles and nods his head.

END OF MONTAGE
Genres: ["Western","Adventure","Comedy"]

Summary In a lively shop, Simeth enthusiastically requests John Henry to help him build a Conestoga wagon, despite John Henry's initial skepticism about its practicality. After some humorous banter, John Henry agrees, and together with Badpiper, they embark on a montage of modifications. The scene culminates in a light-hearted moment as Badpiper paints 'DUSTER' on the side of the newly transformed wagon, showcasing their camaraderie and teamwork.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Innovative concept with the Conestoga wagon
  • Character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Lack of high stakes
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, entertaining, and introduces a new element with the Conestoga wagon. The humor and character interactions keep the audience interested.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using a Conestoga wagon in a unique way, the humor, and the introduction of new elements make the scene stand out.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Simeth seeks something new from John Henry, leading to the introduction of the Conestoga wagon idea.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic 'underdog protagonist with a big idea' trope, blending humor and drama in a unique setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and original.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Simeth, Badpiper, and John Henry, are well-developed and their interactions add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 5

There is not a significant character change in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Simeth's internal goal is to prove himself and achieve something beyond what is expected of him. He seeks validation and recognition for his unconventional ideas and determination.

External Goal: 7

Simeth's external goal is to convince John Henry to help him with his unconventional plan involving the Conestoga wagon.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

There is a mild conflict between Simeth's request and John Henry's initial reluctance, but it is resolved quickly.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and obstacles for the protagonist, but not overwhelming. It adds tension and uncertainty to the narrative.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on humor and innovation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene introduces a new element with the Conestoga wagon and moves the story forward as the characters prepare to use it.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' reactions and the unconventional solution proposed by Simeth. The audience is kept on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between tradition and innovation, as John Henry represents the traditional way of doing things while Simeth challenges the status quo with his new ideas.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene is more light-hearted and humorous than emotionally impactful.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals the personalities of the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic character interactions, witty dialogue, and the sense of anticipation as Simeth tries to convince John Henry of his plan.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of dialogue, action, and character moments. It builds tension effectively and keeps the audience invested.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character names, and dialogue formatting. It is easy to follow and visually engaging.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure with clear character introductions, conflict development, and resolution. It maintains a good pace and keeps the audience engaged.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the dynamic between Simeth, Badpiper, and John Henry, showcasing their personalities through dialogue and interactions. However, the pacing feels uneven, particularly in the transition from the initial banter to the montage. The dialogue could be tightened to maintain momentum and keep the audience engaged.
  • While the humor is present, some of the jokes, particularly John Henry's reactions, may come off as repetitive. The audience might benefit from more varied comedic beats to keep the humor fresh and engaging.
  • The montage is a fun addition, but it could be more cohesive. Each moment feels somewhat disjointed, and a clearer narrative thread connecting the montage scenes would enhance the overall flow. Consider using visual motifs or recurring themes to tie the montage together more effectively.
  • The character of John Henry is well-defined, but his motivations could be clearer. Why is he so resistant to Simeth's ideas? Adding a line or two that hints at his past experiences or beliefs about innovation could deepen his character and make his skepticism more relatable.
  • The old dog serves as a nice touch, adding warmth to the scene. However, its role could be expanded slightly to enhance the emotional stakes. Perhaps the dog could react more dramatically to the characters' antics, providing a comedic counterpoint or a moment of levity.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the dialogue to enhance the pacing and keep the audience engaged. Focus on making each line count and eliminating any repetitive exchanges.
  • Introduce more varied comedic elements to keep the humor fresh. This could involve different types of jokes or physical comedy that play off the characters' personalities.
  • Create a more cohesive narrative thread in the montage by using visual motifs or recurring themes that connect the various moments, making it feel like a unified sequence.
  • Add a line or two to clarify John Henry's motivations and background, which would deepen his character and make his skepticism more relatable to the audience.
  • Expand the dog's role slightly to enhance emotional stakes, perhaps by having it react more dramatically to the characters' antics, providing a comedic counterpoint or a moment of levity.



Scene 19 -  Dusk of Doubt
EXT. SHOP - DUSK

All three men are outside looking at the finished wagon
standing in the sunset. Badpiper is sitting on a barrel
smoking a cigarette and offers Simeth a taste of his cup.
Simeth shakes his head. John Henry speaks up.

JOHN HENRY
Well, that's just about the
craziest thing any of these folks
around here ever saw sight of. You
sure it's gonna work?

SIMETH
It will. First thing tomorrow
we'll head out and get the wind
behind it and really go.

BADPIPER
Oh sure, laddy. If you don't send
the wheels right off her first.

JOHN HENRY
Hey, BOY! Them wheels is the best
around. They ain't going nowhere
but you sure might.
Badpiper raises his arms defensively.

SIMETH
Lots of wind out here.

JOHN HENRY
They said back EAST, in them ol'
river valleys. Conestogee wagons
would tear up every trail from town
to town and back and carry it all
and then some. But out here it's
just too much land. Too far to go
for that much wagon.

Simeth looks up at John Henry a minute and turns away.

BADPIPER
You hear that, Smitty Boy? Too
much land? Oh sure, it looks like
something. But what exactly is it
about all this that makes you think
it's gonna work? Huh?
55.

SIMETH
It'll work. There's enough wind
blowing here to push one hundred of
them just like her. She's going to
take off. And she's going to sail.

John Henry laughs and gets up and heads back into his shop.
Badpiper takes another long drink from his cup.

BADPIPER
I've seen a lotta things, Admiral.
I've been as far across this world
by the sea the sun never set on me.
I've survived gales that would put
Noah's ark under the deep. But do
you want to know something?

Simeth looks up. Badpiper is pointing at the wagon.

BADPIPER
That boat you got out there? That
boat don't look like no way home to
me.

Simeth rises to his feet without saying a word. He walks
back into the shop. Badpiper laughs and takes another long
drink from his cup. He stares at the glorious setting sun.
Genres: ["Western","Adventure","Comedy"]

Summary As dusk settles outside a shop, Simeth, John Henry, and Badpiper debate the practicality of a newly finished wagon named 'DUSTER.' Simeth is optimistic about its ability to travel with the wind, while John Henry and Badpiper express skepticism, with Badpiper drawing from his travel experiences to question its reliability. Feeling challenged, Simeth retreats into the shop, leaving Badpiper to reflect on the sunset, highlighting the unresolved tension between hope and doubt.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Unique concept of the Duster Wagon
  • Humorous character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Lack of deep emotional impact
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, adventure, and character development, making it engaging and entertaining for the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of modifying a wagon to sail like a ship in a frontier setting is innovative and adds a unique element to the scene. It showcases creativity and pushes the boundaries of traditional Western narratives.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the development of the Duster Wagon and the conflict between Simeth and Badpiper, adding depth and intrigue to the scene.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique concept of a wagon designed to harness wind power, which adds a fresh and innovative element to the narrative. The characters' dialogue and interactions feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Simeth and Badpiper, are well-developed and their interactions drive the scene forward. Their distinct personalities and dynamics add humor and depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 6

While there are subtle shifts in the characters' dynamics, particularly between Simeth and Badpiper, there are no significant character changes in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Simeth's internal goal in this scene is to prove his belief in the wagon's potential success, despite the doubts and skepticism of the other characters. This reflects his desire for validation and recognition of his ideas and abilities.

External Goal: 7

Simeth's external goal is to demonstrate the functionality and effectiveness of the wagon to the other characters, particularly John Henry and Badpiper, who are skeptical of its capabilities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Simeth and Badpiper adds tension and humor to the scene, driving the narrative forward and engaging the audience.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters' conflicting beliefs and skepticism creating a sense of challenge and uncertainty for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised with the conflict between Simeth and Badpiper, as well as the introduction of the Duster Wagon concept. The scene sets the stage for future challenges and adventures, adding excitement and tension to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the concept of the Duster Wagon, deepening the conflict between Simeth and Badpiper, and setting the stage for further adventures. It propels the narrative and engages the audience with new developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting beliefs and the uncertain outcome of the wagon's test run, keeping the audience guessing about the eventual outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash between innovation and tradition, as Simeth's belief in the wagon's potential challenges the established norms and beliefs of the other characters.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits light-hearted emotions and amusement from the audience, particularly through the humorous interactions between the characters. While not deeply emotional, it engages the audience through its witty dialogue and character dynamics.

Dialogue: 9

The witty and engaging dialogue enhances the scene, showcasing the personalities of the characters and driving the narrative forward. It adds humor and depth to the interactions between Simeth, Badpiper, and John Henry.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between the characters, the uncertainty surrounding the wagon's potential success, and the underlying tension and conflict between innovation and tradition.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the characters' dialogue and interactions, leading to a climactic moment of conflict and uncertainty.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear character cues and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and flow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dialogue-driven interaction between characters, with clear exchanges and progression of conflict and tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the camaraderie and skepticism among the characters, particularly through Badpiper's humorous yet critical perspective on Simeth's ambitious plans. However, the dialogue could benefit from more distinct character voices to enhance their individuality. For instance, Badpiper's lines could incorporate more of his backstory or unique experiences to deepen his character.
  • The setting sun serves as a beautiful visual metaphor for the hope and uncertainty surrounding Simeth's plans. However, the emotional stakes could be heightened by incorporating more internal conflict for Simeth. While he expresses confidence, showing a moment of doubt or reflection could make his determination more relatable and compelling.
  • The pacing of the scene feels slightly uneven. The banter between the characters is engaging, but it could be tightened to maintain momentum. Some lines, particularly John Henry's, could be more concise to keep the dialogue snappy and impactful.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one is somewhat abrupt. A brief moment of reflection or a visual cue that connects the two scenes could help the audience follow the narrative flow more smoothly. For example, a line about the hard work that went into the wagon could serve as a bridge.
  • The scene ends on a somewhat ambiguous note with Badpiper's laughter and the sunset. While this can be interpreted as a moment of camaraderie, it may leave the audience wanting more clarity on Simeth's emotional state. A final line or action from Simeth could provide closure or foreshadow future challenges.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line or two that reveals more about Badpiper's past experiences at sea, which could enrich his character and provide context for his skepticism.
  • Incorporate a moment of vulnerability for Simeth, perhaps through a brief internal monologue or a physical gesture that conveys his uncertainty about the plan, making his confidence more impactful.
  • Tighten the dialogue by removing any redundant phrases or words, especially in John Henry's lines, to enhance the pacing and keep the audience engaged.
  • Add a transitional line or visual element that connects the previous scene's montage to this one, reinforcing the effort that went into creating the wagon and setting the stage for the discussion.
  • Consider ending the scene with a more definitive action or statement from Simeth that reflects his determination or foreshadows the challenges ahead, providing a stronger emotional anchor for the audience.



Scene 20 -  The Windwagon's First Voyage
EXT. TRAIL - DAY

Four horses pull the wagon along with John Henry at the
reins. He urges them forward as they strain under the
weight of the massive wagon. Badpiper is lounging in the
back with his legs crossed.

JOHN HENRY
Alright, we better get this done
quick. Mr. Lansing is gonna want
all these studs back home before
too long and I didn't say nothin'
about pulling no prairie schooner.

SIMETH
Pull up ahead there. Near the
mound.

Simeth turns around to rouse Badpiper.

SIMETH
PIRATE!

BADPIPER
Huh? Aye aye?
SIMETH
Are you certain you stayed that jib
properly. It looks like we are
going to have quite a heavy draft
out here.
56.

BADPIPER
(wipes his forehead)
Aye! First rate. Bloody hot out
here.

Badpiper flaps his kilt for air conditioning as slowly the
wagon pulls into position.

SIMETH
John, let go of the team and
prepare to unfurl the sails.

He turns to Badpiper.

SIMETH
Clear the decks and prepare the
rigging. I'll take the helm.

The wagon comes to a stop and Badpiper slowly climbs to his
feet and grabs the ropes as John Henry unties the horses.
Simeth grabs the wheel and waits for John Henry to climb
back aboard.

SIMETH
Ready the mast windward.

BADPIPER
(giggling and shaking his
head)
Aye!

The great tarp that once covered the wagon has been tied to
the main rope to become a vast sail. Badpiper gives the
ropes a mighty tug and John Henry stands behind, taking up
the slack. The dirty old tarp climbs the pole impressively.
Simeth watches it unfurl itself.
Simeth clutches the wheel intently. The sail sits there
like a limp rag. The wagon doesn't budge an inch.

SIMETH
Standby the main sail and ready the
tack. Rig forward!

BADPIPER
Come now.

SIMETH
Do it!

BADPIPER
Aye.

Badpiper begins pulling on the ropes and still the wagon
remains. Nothing is happening.

BADPIPER
Admiral...
57.

SIMETH
No! Not now.

BADPIPER
Look there ain't enough breath out
here in this field to push this
heap along. Not gonna happen. It
was a fine try but no matter what
you believe this ain't no sea out
here. And all of that everywhere
around? Well it ain't no water.
It's dirt -- man -- and that's all
it's ever gonna be.

SIMETH
Make that sail and brace about!
Tack up so she'll beat windward.

Simeth turns to John Henry. Consternation wipes across his
countenance.

SIMETH
The axles? Are they ready?

John Henry nods and then looks away.

BADPIPER
(drops the rope from his
hands)
Forget it. You're drifting out
here. Time to pack it up and get
back to town for a drink. I'll get
the horses.

SIMETH
No... No! NO!
He KICKS the pole holding the main sail and suddenly the
tarp catches a gust of air and begins to fluff out like a
pillow. The wheel rotates wildly and the men try to grab
something as the wagon shifts about.

They look at each other with astonishment and Simeth
stumbles back to the front of the wagon to take control.
Badpiper and John Henry continue with the ropes as the
DUSTER begins to float up and over the rolling plains.

Simeth grabs on to his hat and looks around and motions to
his crew with a raised hand. He turns back to the sprawling
flint hills ahead of him as the wagon continues to glide
effortlessly along. He has done it. He has built THE
WINDWAGON.
Genres: ["Adventure","Comedy","Western"]

Summary In a humorous and determined attempt, John Henry drives a wagon while Badpiper lounges in the back, skeptical of Simeth's ambitious plan to turn it into a wind-powered vehicle. Despite Badpiper's doubts about sailing on land, Simeth persists, and when a gust of wind finally catches the tarp, the wagon glides across the plains, marking a triumphant moment for Simeth and the realization of his dream.
Strengths
  • Innovative concept of the windwagon
  • Humorous dialogue and banter between characters
  • Engaging and adventurous tone
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth
  • Minimal character development
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, humorous, and introduces an innovative concept, but could benefit from more depth in character development and emotional impact.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of turning a wagon into a sailboat is unique and creative, adding an adventurous and comedic element to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the characters trying to make the wagon sail, adding humor and adventure to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene is highly original in its concept of a wind-powered wagon and the blending of Old West and maritime themes. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and fresh, adding depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 6

The characters have distinct personalities and engage in humorous banter, but could be further developed to add depth.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character change in the scene, with the focus more on humor and adventure.

Internal Goal: 8

John Henry's internal goal is to prove his skills and ingenuity by successfully transforming the wagon into a wind-powered vehicle. This reflects his desire for recognition and validation of his abilities.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to transport the studs back home quickly and efficiently. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of completing the task at hand within a specific time frame.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a mild conflict in trying to make the wagon sail, but it is mostly light-hearted and comedic.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Badpiper's skepticism and Simeth's determination creating conflict and tension. The audience is unsure of the outcome, adding suspense to the scene.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on humor and adventure than intense conflict.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new concept and showcasing the characters' dynamic interactions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist of the wind-powered wagon actually working. The audience is kept on their toes by the characters' actions and the outcome of the experiment.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash between imagination and practicality. Simeth believes in the possibility of creating a wind-powered wagon, while Badpiper is skeptical and grounded in reality. This conflict challenges the protagonist's beliefs in innovation and creativity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene focuses more on humor and adventure than emotional depth, resulting in a lower emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and drives the scene forward, adding to the comedic tone.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its unique concept, colorful characters, and dramatic conflict. The tension and suspense keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment when the windwagon takes flight. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the whimsical nature of Simeth's ambition to turn the wagon into a sailing vessel, showcasing his determination and creativity. However, the dialogue could benefit from more clarity and specificity to enhance the comedic elements. For instance, Badpiper's responses could be more exaggerated or colorful to emphasize his skepticism and provide a stronger contrast to Simeth's enthusiasm.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven at times. The initial setup with John Henry and Badpiper is engaging, but the transition to the action of preparing the sail could be tightened. Consider condensing some of the dialogue to maintain momentum and keep the audience engaged as the tension builds.
  • The visual imagery of the tarp unfurling and the wagon beginning to glide is a strong moment, but it could be enhanced with more sensory details. Describing the sound of the wind catching the sail or the feeling of the wagon lifting off the ground would create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • The conflict between Simeth's optimism and Badpiper's cynicism is well-established, but it could be deepened. Badpiper's resignation to the situation feels abrupt; adding a moment where he reflects on past failures or expresses a desire to support Simeth despite his doubts could add emotional depth to their relationship.
  • The climax of the scene, where the wagon begins to float, is a pivotal moment that deserves more buildup. Consider foreshadowing this moment earlier in the scene with hints of wind or movement that suggest something extraordinary might happen, creating a stronger payoff when the wagon finally takes off.
Suggestions
  • Revise Badpiper's dialogue to include more humorous and exaggerated responses that highlight his skepticism, making the contrast with Simeth's enthusiasm more pronounced.
  • Tighten the pacing by condensing some of the dialogue, especially during the preparation for the sail, to maintain a sense of urgency and excitement.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the visual imagery of the scene, such as the sound of the wind or the feeling of the wagon lifting off the ground.
  • Deepen the emotional conflict between Simeth and Badpiper by adding a moment of reflection for Badpiper, allowing him to express his doubts while still supporting Simeth.
  • Foreshadow the climactic moment of the wagon taking off by introducing subtle hints of wind or movement earlier in the scene, creating a stronger buildup to the payoff.



Scene 21 -  Tensions at Fort Leavenworth
EXT. FORT - DAY
The Windwagon continues down the trail until it approaches
the front gates of Fort Leavenworth.
58.

BADPIPER
Oh, very nice. Come to pay another
visit have we? It was all such a
good craic the last time.

The army men approach on horseback yet again.

JOHN HENRY
Here they come.

BADPIPER
Lets give them another cut and
jibe. They won't know what hit
them this time.

SIMETH
Negative. We're stopping here.

BADPIPER
Another night in chains? Bollucks!
Let's go.

SIMETH
We just need to have a word with
them.

Simeth pulls a lever to hit the breaks as the army men
arrive. They are visibly fascinated by the Windwagon.

LIEUTENANT
What do we have here? Mr. Lunatic
and Mr. Renegade and a friend?
Come back up here to stay for good
this time?

BADPIPER
Lieutenant! Lang time nae see.
Have ye had another bath since the
last one we gave ye? I take it
from the flies around, that's a no.

LIEUTENANT
(reaching for pistol)
You crazy haired son of a --

SIMETH
Sir! I have been given
instructions from Major General
Clark to return to this post in
order to secure an agreement for
free passage along this trail. I
wish to speak to him immediately.
If any harm should come to any
member of my crew, I shall hold you
personally responsible.

Lieutenant pulls out his pistol and points it directly at
Simeth.
59.

LIEUTENANT
You listen here. I'm the man
outside this gate and I say any
crew who runs away like y'all did
oughta hang.

A crowd has gathered outside the gate to get a look at the
commotion. Milly pushes her way past them and sees Simeth
with a gun pointed at him. She gasps and takes off towards
headquarters.

SIMETH
This wagon is propelled by the wind
itself. I believe it will be of
use on this frontier. I wish to
demonstrate it to Major General
Clark. That is all.

LIEUTENANT
(scoffing)
Wind. What wind?

BADPIPER
Between your ears Dingle Boy!

LIEUTENANT
You...

CLARK
Lieutenant!

Clark speeds out of the gates on horseback and is rushing to
the Windwagon.

CLARK
Lieutenant! Stand down! That is
an order. These men are not to be
harmed.

LIEUTENANT
Sir, these men are --

CLARK
I know what they are. Now stand
down at once or you'll be first to
see the rope.

Lieutenant glances back and slowly lowers his weapon.

CLARK
Return to your position.

Lieutenant hesitantly turns his horse.
CLARK
Now.

Lieutenant kicks his horse and heads back to the gate.
Clark watches him sternly before turning to Simeth.
60.

BADPIPER
(waving and singing)
" Happy trails to you...! "

CLARK
Now do tell me Smith... What -- in
the world -- is this?
Genres: ["Adventure","Comedy","Western"]

Summary As the Windwagon approaches Fort Leavenworth, Badpiper and Simeth engage in playful banter until tensions escalate when a Lieutenant threatens Simeth with a pistol. Simeth stands firm, demanding to speak with Major General Clark about securing free passage for the Windwagon. Clark intervenes, ordering the Lieutenant to lower his weapon and showing interest in Simeth's invention, leading to a potential collaboration.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Dynamic character interactions
  • Innovative concept
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Slightly predictable outcome

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, tension, and character dynamics to create an engaging and entertaining sequence.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a wind-powered wagon and the clash between the unconventional characters and the military adds depth and intrigue to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the characters face a conflict with the military and showcase their loyalty and determination.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a unique technological element with the Windwagon and explores themes of innovation and acceptance. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, particularly Badpiper and Simeth, shine through their witty dialogue and contrasting personalities, adding depth and humor to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Simeth shows loyalty and determination to protect his crew, while Badpiper displays his irreverent and humorous nature.

Internal Goal: 8

Simeth's internal goal is to secure an agreement for free passage along the trail and demonstrate the usefulness of the Windwagon to Major General Clark. This reflects his desire for recognition and acceptance of his invention.

External Goal: 7

Simeth's external goal is to negotiate with the army men at Fort Leavenworth to secure passage and demonstrate the Windwagon's potential.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters and the military, as well as the internal conflict within the group, adds tension and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition is strong, with the army men posing a threat to Simeth and his crew. The audience is unsure of the outcome.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as the characters face potential harm from the military and must navigate a tense situation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges, conflicts, and character dynamics.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics and unexpected arrival of Major General Clark.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between innovation and tradition, as the army men are skeptical of the Windwagon's capabilities and Simeth's intentions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

While there are moments of humor and tension, the emotional impact is not the primary focus of the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals the characters' personalities and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the mix of humor, tension, and character dynamics. The conflict and stakes keep the audience invested.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a mix of fast-paced dialogue and slower moments of confrontation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear character cues and scene descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with dialogue-driven interactions and a buildup of tension. It fits the expected format for a historical drama genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension with the arrival of the army men and the confrontation between Simeth and the Lieutenant. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to enhance the stakes. For instance, instead of just stating their intentions, the characters could express their fears or motivations more deeply, which would add layers to the conflict.
  • Badpiper's humor is a strong point in this scene, providing comic relief amidst the tension. However, his lines could be more integrated into the overall conflict rather than feeling like separate quips. This would help maintain the scene's momentum and keep the audience engaged.
  • The introduction of Milly adds an emotional layer to the scene, but her reaction could be more impactful. Instead of just gasping and running towards headquarters, she could express her concern or fear more vividly, which would heighten the stakes for Simeth and create a stronger emotional connection for the audience.
  • The Lieutenant's character comes off as somewhat one-dimensional. Adding a moment of hesitation or doubt in his actions could make him a more complex antagonist. This would allow the audience to see him as more than just a barrier to Simeth's goals, potentially creating sympathy for his position.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, particularly in the transition from the confrontation to Clark's arrival. A moment of silence or tension before Clark intervenes could amplify the drama and give the audience a chance to absorb the gravity of the situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal conflict for Simeth as he faces the Lieutenant. This could be expressed through his thoughts or a brief flashback that highlights what he stands to lose if things go wrong.
  • Enhance Badpiper's humor by tying it more closely to the situation at hand. For example, he could make a joke that reflects the absurdity of their predicament, which would keep the tone light while still acknowledging the seriousness of the moment.
  • Give Milly a more active role in the scene. Perhaps she could shout a warning to Simeth or try to intervene, which would not only heighten the tension but also showcase her character's bravery and concern.
  • Develop the Lieutenant's character by giving him a moment of doubt or a backstory that explains his hostility. This could be done through a brief exchange with Clark or a line that reveals his motivations.
  • Slow down the pacing slightly before Clark arrives. A moment of silence or a close-up on Simeth's face as he faces the Lieutenant could create a more dramatic buildup to Clark's intervention.



Scene 22 -  The Windwagon Pitch
INT. HEADQUARTERS - DAY

All three Windwagon crew members are sitting in chairs in
front of Clark's desk as once again he stares out the
window. They look at each other as he stands in silence.
Tension builds. Finally, he speaks.

CLARK
Alright, Smith. I'm game. Are you
going to be kind enough to let me
know just what that thing is parked
outside of my gate?

Simeth looks at Badpiper. He simply shrugs his shoulders
and turns to John Henry. John gives a reassuring nod.
Simeth clears his throat before addressing the general.

SIMETH
General, myself and my team have
invented a new means of locomotion.
It is meant to cross this vast
prairie utilizing the natural draft
forces that are common in this
land. It is a Windwagon.

CLARK
Wind? Wagon?

SIMETH
That's right. We can move freely
without need of a single ox or
horse or mule nor any of the
burdens that come with them. We
just use the velocity of the air
already all around us.

CLARK
Air? A wagon and air you say?

JOHN HENRY
And she's fast too. Got them big
ol' wheels spinning and smoking on
that dust. Bout made my belt come
loose!

CLARK
Hmmm.
(turns to BADPIPER)
And you, sir? You are a member of
this... team as well?
61.

BADPIPER
I mainly just pull the ropes and
throw out the fishing nets when we
want a chicken dinner. It's all
great fun.

CLARK
Smith, I must say that all this is
about the most preposterous thing I
have I ever heard. Do you really
expect a man in my position to take
any of this seriously?

SIMETH
Believe me our ship is as sound as
they come and built well from bow
to stern.

JOHN HENRY
That's right.

CLARK
This all sounds ridiculous.
Ridiculous!

Clark blusters around a few paces and sits back down at his
desk and begins fumbling for his cigar case.

BADPIPER
If I may, what's ridiculous is that
you Yanks want all this land out
here as far as the eye goes, trying
to do it by horse and carriage.
Where I'm from we say "Haste Ye
Back!" which means go and return
quickly. Well we are doing it,
faster than anybody, so if you
don't see that then your just as
bloody daft as any other old
doat... General.

Clark frowns and gets back up and looks out his window.

CLARK
Alright Smith, assuming this
Windwagon of yours is as good as
you say it is. I propose that you
and your crew carry goods and
pioneers from Westport to Fort
Leavenworth for the western
expansion of the territory. I'll
provide a percentage on the tons
carried and my men will ensure your
safe passage.
SIMETH
Riches are not the main objective
here, sir.
62.

BADPIPER
Of course, not! Yet, it is a wee
bit of a concern, General. We
believe twenty percent should get
things done.

CLARK
Twenty percent? Preposterous. I
don't have any team making over
seven.

JOHN HENRY
But you ain't got no Windwagon.

BADPIPER
Nae.

SIMETH
No.

CLARK
Ten percent. And if this thing is
as good as you say it is I'll give
fifteen after the first hundred
tons. But you better be good.

SIMETH
(standing to shake
Clark's hand)
Agreed.

JOHN HENRY
(the same)
Agreed.

BADPIPER
(also the same)
Agreed. Now who wants chicken?

The men laugh as Clark hands all of them a cigar.
Genres: ["Adventure","Western","Comedy"]

Summary In a military headquarters, the Windwagon crew—Simeth, John Henry, and Badpiper—present their innovative invention to the skeptical General Clark. Simeth passionately defends the Windwagon's air-powered locomotion, while John Henry and Badpiper add humor to the pitch. After some initial doubt, Clark proposes a deal for transporting goods, leading to a successful negotiation. The scene concludes with the crew and Clark sharing a light-hearted moment over cigars, marking the beginning of their partnership.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Introduction of the Windwagon concept
  • Humorous interactions
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth
  • Minimal character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, humorous, and introduces a unique concept with the Windwagon. The dialogue is witty and entertaining, moving the plot forward while establishing character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the Windwagon is innovative and adds a fresh element to the story. The negotiation with the General adds depth to the world-building and sets up future conflicts and adventures.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as the characters negotiate with the General and agree to transport goods using the Windwagon. The scene sets up future challenges and opportunities for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique concept of Windwagons as a means of transportation in a frontier setting, offering a fresh take on traditional western narratives. The dialogue and character interactions feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters showcase their personalities through witty dialogue and interactions. Each character has a distinct voice and contributes to the scene's humor and dynamics.

Character Changes: 4

There is minimal character change in this scene, as the focus is more on introducing the Windwagon concept and establishing the characters' dynamics.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to prove the validity and worth of their invention, the Windwagon, to General Clark. This reflects their desire for recognition, validation, and acceptance of their ideas.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to secure a business deal with General Clark to transport goods and pioneers from Westport to Fort Leavenworth. This reflects their immediate need for financial support and resources to further develop their invention.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a mild conflict in the negotiation between the characters and the General regarding the terms of their agreement. The tension adds depth to the scene without overshadowing the humor.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with General Clark representing skepticism and resistance to change, creating a compelling conflict that drives the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are moderate in this scene, as the characters negotiate a business agreement with the General. The success of the Windwagon venture is important for their future endeavors.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the Windwagon concept, setting up a new venture for the characters, and establishing a partnership with the General. It opens up new possibilities for the plot.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected negotiation terms and the characters' unique personalities that add an element of surprise to the interaction.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between traditional modes of transportation and the innovative Windwagon technology. General Clark represents skepticism and resistance to change, while the crew members advocate for progress and efficiency.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene focuses more on humor and light-hearted banter than emotional depth. However, there is a sense of camaraderie and teamwork among the characters.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and drives the scene forward. It reveals character motivations, conflicts, and humor, adding depth to the interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic character interactions, the clash of ideologies, and the negotiation process that keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense through pauses, character reactions, and dialogue exchanges, contributing to its overall effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear character cues and dialogue attribution.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional format for dialogue-driven scenes in a historical setting, effectively building tension and conflict through character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through Clark's initial silence and skepticism, which creates anticipation for Simeth's explanation. However, the pacing could be improved by tightening the dialogue to maintain momentum and avoid redundancy.
  • Simeth's explanation of the Windwagon is clear, but it could benefit from more vivid imagery or metaphors to help the audience visualize the invention's uniqueness and potential. This would enhance the stakes and excitement surrounding the Windwagon.
  • The character dynamics are well-established, particularly the camaraderie among the crew members. However, Badpiper's humor feels somewhat disconnected from the serious tone of Clark's skepticism. Balancing the humor with the gravity of the situation could strengthen the scene.
  • Clark's transition from skepticism to agreement feels a bit abrupt. Adding a moment of reflection or a challenge from Clark before he proposes the deal could make his character arc more believable and engaging.
  • The dialogue is generally strong, but some lines, particularly from Badpiper, could be streamlined for clarity. For instance, his explanation about 'Haste Ye Back!' could be simplified to maintain the flow of conversation without losing the humor.
Suggestions
  • Consider incorporating a visual description of the Windwagon earlier in the scene to create a stronger mental image for the audience and to emphasize its uniqueness.
  • Add a moment where Clark tests Simeth's knowledge or the Windwagon's capabilities before agreeing to the deal, which would enhance the tension and make the eventual agreement feel more earned.
  • Revise Badpiper's dialogue to ensure it aligns more closely with the tone of the scene. Perhaps he could offer a humorous analogy that relates to the Windwagon's capabilities rather than a general comment about land.
  • Introduce a brief moment of doubt or hesitation from Simeth when Clark proposes the deal, which could add depth to his character and show that he is not solely motivated by profit.
  • Consider ending the scene with a stronger visual or emotional beat, such as the crew's excitement about the deal or a moment of reflection on the challenges ahead, to leave the audience with a sense of anticipation.



Scene 23 -  Cannon Chaos at Westport
EXT. STREET - DAY

The Windwagon is pulling back into the outskirts of Westport
with all crew members onboard. They can see the streets
bustling with travelers looking to make their way to a
better life. Simeth picks a spot and stops the wagon
roadside, just on the edge of town.

BADPIPER
Well, Admiral. Here we have it.
She made maiden voyage. Now we'll
see if she'll float or sink on the
big waves.
JOHN HENRY
What exactly are we gonna do now?
63.

SIMETH
She is no good without cargo. So
we simply make ourselves known to
the crowd and persuade them that
this is the best means to travel
westward.

BADPIPER
Of course. We simply tell them
that shuffling around by sail
without any water for two thousand
miles in every direction is the
best way to travel. How hard could
it be?

JOHN HENRY
How hard could it be?

SIMETH
Right. Well then... does anyone
know how to talk to these people?

They all look at each other, then Simeth and John Henry
focus on Badpiper.

BADPIPER
Oh no. I'm not even from --

The other two keep focusing.

BADPIPER
Fine...

He heads to the back of the wagon and climbs down the ladder
to the dusty street. He stands in front and reluctantly
faces the crowd. He raises his arms and takes a deep
breath. In his best version of the traditional frontier
snake oil salesman:

BADPIPER
Ladies and gentlemen. My fellow
good citizens of the GREAT AMERICAN
WEST. Tired of the long hot days
and lonely nights plodding the
frontier by horse or mule or oxen?
Making no better time at it than
the LOWLIEST of Gods creatures in
the dirt next to you? Wouldn't you
like to finally toss away that
horse whip and glide along this
fine land with the ease of which
the deer and the antelope play?
Wouldn't you?
Badpiper waits a moment and notices a few of the travellers
have paused to look at him. He smiles at them. One
VILLAGER speaks up.
64.

VILLAGER
Vamoose!

The other villagers laugh loudly as Simeth turns to John
Henry quietly.

SIMETH
That is a discouraging word...

Simeth and John Henry glance back at Badpiper who has turned
to look at them. They urge him to continue.

BADPIPER
Well, friends. Let me tell you all
a little secret. What you see
before you here is the latest
development in travel technology
known to the GREAT PLAINS. This
wagon will convey you to your
destination with as little effort
as pushing a tumbling weed through
a twister. That's right it's just
that simple. Yes, folks --

Simeth turns to John Henry with a whisper.

SIMETH
We are getting nowhere.

Badpiper continues his speech as Simeth rushes back to the
rear of the Windwagon.

JOHN HENRY
Hey. What you doin' back there?

Badpiper hears them but continues on.
BADPIPER
The design of this wagon is a
revolution in the means of
conveyance across the unforgiving
frontier --

Simeth has opened Badpiper's trunk in the rear of the
Windwagon and begins to wildly shuffle through it. John
Henry calls to him.

JOHN HENRY
(whispers)
Hey. Stop that. Don't play
around. You crazy?

Badpiper is aware of the commotion and looks back for a
minute as he continues speaking. John Henry grabs Simeth by
the shoulder as he tosses random items from the case with
each hand.
65.

JOHN HENRY
You making too much noise. Why you
messing about?

SIMETH
Do you know what this ship has been
missing?

JOHN HENRY
Missin'?

SIMETH
That's right. Do you know what
this ship's been missing that every
good ship worth her boards carries
along on each voyage?

JOHN HENRY
Uh... No?

SIMETH
CANNON.

Simeth turns to John Henry producing in his hands an
enormous large-barreled pistol. It has a flint lock at the
back and the end of the muzzle flares outward like a
gleaming trumpet.

JOHN HENRY
What?

Now Badpiper really knows something is up. He turns to look
but continues on with his speech.

SIMETH
We have raised our colors and made
ourselves known have we not? But I
tell you, sometimes the only way to
get attention is with a little
flash. Right? Now if you
please...

JOHN HENRY
Oh lord no. You bust that thing
out you are liable to frighten away
half of Kansas. No way. No.

SIMETH
Frighten? I'd not dream of it.
Just a little show. That is all.

He pulls a giant wad of paper out of the case and begins
stuffing it down the muzzle of the pistol. He finds a tin
containing a black powder of some kind and starts pouring it
near the firing pin. It spills out all over the wagon
floor. He flashes a smirk at John Henry.

JOHN HENRY
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, hell --
66.

Badpiper is losing the audience and trying to find a way to
gracefully end his speech.

BADPIPER
And so friends... Today becomes the
day we make the PILGRIM'S PROGRESS
and join together in the next great
American adventure. Now is the
time to --

Badpiper sees out of the corner of his eye that Simeth is
standing on deck with the pistol in both hands aimed
skyward. John Henry ducks for cover.

BADPIPER
The time to -- The time to -- Run!

Simeth pulls the trigger and an enormous explosion bursts
from his hands throwing him completely off the deck.

A giant fireball is sent arching through the sky and
Badpiper and the villagers squint their eyes in the blazing
sun to make out the trajectory.

The villager who yelled points his finger in the air. The
ball of fire comes crashing back to earth.

A piercing howl is heard as it screams down onto the roof of
an outhouse just outside of town, engulfing it in flames.

A villager throws open the door and attempts to pull up his
britches as he scrambles to a nearby lagoon and jumps in
head first.

Simeth climbs to his feet and stands beside Badpiper. His
hands and arms are covered in black soot. He blinks.
Badpiper sees some of his hat feathers are singed. He tries
to straighten them back up as everyone watches the outhouse
burn.

A villager begins clapping and the crowd starts to follow
enthusiastically. Simeth and Badpiper turn to look at the
crowd and then back to each other.

SIMETH
All aboard?

MONTAGE - MUSIC CUE: "Seminole Wind" by John Anderson

- A prairie dog is foraging as snow has fallen on the hills.
Something catches its attention. It rises on its hind legs
to get a better look then scurries back to its hole. The
giant wheel of the Windwagon rolls by.
- The wind rushes into Simeth's face as he stands at the
steering wheel. He turns to see Badpiper and John Henry
working the ropes and the wagon is full of precious cargo.
67.

- Back at the front gates of the fort the crew is smiling
and shaking hands with Clark as he counts them out a stack
of money. Milly looks on from a nearby window.

- The Windwagon is bounding down the trail. We pull back to
see Small Hawk and his friends huddled and sitting on
horseback and looking down from a high ridge. The other two
turn and look at Small Hawk but he does not look back.

- Back in Westport the crew have loaded up and are busy
making another deal. Ticket Man is observing from the train
door. Hurryman tries to move him along and Ticket Man
points. Hurryman looks at the Windwagon and scowls.

END OF MONTAGE
Genres: ["Western","Adventure","Comedy"]

Summary The Windwagon crew returns to Westport, eager to promote their innovative travel method. Badpiper, reluctantly taking on the role of salesman, faces ridicule from the crowd. To create a distraction, Simeth fires a cannon, accidentally igniting an outhouse. This unexpected spectacle captures the crowd's attention, leading to enthusiastic applause and interest in the Windwagon, culminating in Simeth's invitation, 'All aboard?'
Strengths
  • Innovative concept of the Windwagon
  • Engaging and witty dialogue
  • Humorous presentation scene
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Minimal character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, entertaining, and introduces a new concept with humor and excitement, making it a standout moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the Windwagon as a wind-powered vehicle in the frontier setting is innovative and adds a fresh element to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the characters introduce the Windwagon to the crowd, leading to a humorous and exciting presentation.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh concept of the Windwagon as a mode of transportation in a frontier setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Badpiper and Simeth, showcase their personalities through humor and determination, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 4

There is minimal character change in this scene, with the focus on introducing the Windwagon and showcasing the characters' personalities.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to prove himself and his invention to the crowd, gaining recognition and acceptance. This reflects his desire for validation, success, and respect.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to convince the crowd to use the Windwagon as their means of travel. This reflects the immediate challenge of marketing and selling his invention to potential customers.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a mild conflict in the scene as the characters face challenges in presenting the Windwagon to the crowd, adding tension and humor.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the villagers' skepticism and the protagonist's own doubts adding to the conflict. The audience is unsure of the outcome.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are moderate in the scene, with the characters aiming to convince the crowd of the Windwagon's potential and secure a business deal.

Story Forward: 8

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing the Windwagon concept and securing a deal with General Clark, setting the stage for future adventures.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, such as the introduction of the cannon and the explosive demonstration. The audience is kept on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between innovation and tradition, as the protagonist tries to introduce a new form of transportation in a frontier setting where traditional methods are prevalent. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in progress and advancement.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene focuses more on humor and excitement rather than deep emotional impact, providing light-hearted entertainment.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and drives the scene forward with humor and clever banter.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic characters, witty dialogue, and escalating conflict. The audience is drawn into the protagonist's journey and the outcome of his pitch.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and momentum, leading to the explosive climax. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character dialogue, and action lines.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the comedic tone established throughout the screenplay, particularly through Badpiper's reluctant sales pitch and the escalating chaos with Simeth's cannon. However, the humor sometimes overshadows the stakes of their situation, which could be better balanced to maintain tension while still being funny.
  • The dialogue is lively and fits the characters well, but it could benefit from more distinct voices. Badpiper's speech as a salesman is entertaining, yet it feels somewhat generic. Adding unique phrases or quirks that reflect his character could enhance his individuality and make the scene more memorable.
  • The transition from Badpiper's sales pitch to Simeth's cannon mishap is abrupt. While the explosion serves as a comedic climax, it might be more effective if there were a clearer buildup to this moment. Perhaps Badpiper could express more concern or confusion about Simeth's actions before the cannon is fired, heightening the comedic tension.
  • The visual elements are engaging, particularly the imagery of the outhouse catching fire, which is a strong comedic visual. However, the scene could benefit from more descriptive language to paint a clearer picture of the setting and the characters' expressions during the chaos, enhancing the reader's immersion.
  • The montage at the end is a nice touch, but it feels somewhat disconnected from the preceding events. It would be more impactful if the montage reflected the immediate aftermath of the explosion, showing how the crew capitalizes on the attention gained from the incident, rather than jumping to various unrelated scenes.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more character-specific dialogue to differentiate Badpiper, Simeth, and John Henry. This will help each character's personality shine through and make their interactions more engaging.
  • Introduce a moment of hesitation or concern from Badpiper before the cannon is fired, which could build tension and enhance the comedic payoff when the explosion occurs.
  • Incorporate more descriptive language to vividly depict the setting and the characters' reactions during the chaos, allowing readers to visualize the scene more clearly.
  • Rework the montage to include scenes that directly relate to the aftermath of the explosion, showing how the crew uses the unexpected attention to their advantage, thereby creating a stronger narrative connection.
  • Explore the possibility of having the crowd's reaction evolve from skepticism to enthusiasm more gradually, allowing for a more satisfying arc in Badpiper's sales pitch.



Scene 24 -  A Night at Fort Leavenworth
EXT. FORT - NIGHT

The Windwagon crew has pulled back to Fort Leavenworth and
are deciding to call it quits after a long day. They are
smiling and laughing as they climb down to secure the wagon.
Badpiper pats Simeth on the back. We see their breath as
they chat.

BADPIPER
What do you say then, Admiral?
Head back to town with me then and
we'll have a wink and a nod at
Kelly's Inn? You cannae spend all
your life out here, ya know?

SIMETH
No. Not tonight.

BADPIPER
(to John Henry)
How 'bout you, Big Boy? Do you
fancy a wee swally?

JOHN HENRY
Hmmm.

Badpiper notices that Milly is standing outside the gates,
leaning against a hitching post.

BADPIPER
Oh dear, Smitty Boy. I do believe
the SIRENS are calling you to
shore. And such a luvely tune at
that.

SIMETH
What?
BADPIPER
Well aren't you going to answer
her?
68.

SIMETH
Don't be a fool.

BADPIPER
A fool am I? No sir. A fool is he
who travels past that wee hen there
only to leave the night to the fate
of the stars.
(to John Henry)
Right mate?

John Henry grins and continues tying things up.

SIMETH
Are you sure?

BADPIPER
Go. We've made anchor already here
for the night. The time is yours,
Admiral. Go!

Badpiper nudges Simeth who heads toward the fort as Badpiper
and John Henry look on. Milly appears uncomfortable as
Simeth gets closer.

SIMETH
Good Evening to you --

MILLY
Clark!

SIMETH
Clark?

MILLY
That's right. I'm the major
general's daughter. Do you have a
problem with authority?

SIMETH
No. I do not.

MILLY
Good. They say this entire
territory is to be developed.
Might even be admitted to the UNION
for statehood very soon.

SIMETH
Ummm. Is that so?

MILLY
Milly. My name's Milly. My mother
is Native so they named me
differently.

SIMETH
I see...
69.

MILLY
And they call you Smith. Do you
have another name, Smith?

SIMETH
No. Sorry.

MILLY
Well, Smith. We better get inside
these gates before dark. This
trail is not safe in the twilight
hours.

SIMETH
Of course.

Badpiper and John Henry watch as Simeth and Milly go inside.

BADPIPER
God save him. The lad has made a
big splash all right.
Genres: ["Adventure","Western","Comedy"]

Summary After a long day, the Windwagon crew settles in for the night at Fort Leavenworth. Badpiper playfully encourages Simeth to join him and John Henry for drinks, but Simeth declines. Spotting Milly, the major general's daughter, outside the gates, Badpiper nudges Simeth to approach her. They engage in a polite conversation where Milly confidently introduces herself, while Simeth remains reserved yet respectful. The scene concludes with Badpiper and John Henry observing Simeth and Milly entering the fort together, hinting at a budding romance.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Humorous tone
  • Introduction of new character Milly
  • Presentation of the Windwagon concept
Weaknesses
  • Minimal character development
  • Limited emotional depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces a new character, advances the plot with the presentation of the Windwagon, and maintains a light-hearted and humorous tone throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the Windwagon as a mode of transportation is innovative and adds an element of adventure to the story. The introduction of Milly as a major general's daughter also adds depth to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot advances with the presentation of the Windwagon and the interaction with Milly, setting up potential conflicts and alliances. The scene maintains the overall adventurous and humorous tone of the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique characters and situations, such as the interaction between the protagonist and Milly, as well as the cultural references to statehood and Native heritage. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, including Simeth, Badpiper, John Henry, and Milly, are well-developed and each brings a unique personality to the scene. The banter and interactions between the characters add depth and humor to the story.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character change in this scene, as the focus is more on introducing new characters and advancing the plot with the presentation of the Windwagon.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate social interactions and potentially form a connection with Milly, the major general's daughter. This reflects his desire for acceptance and possibly a sense of belonging.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to safely enter the fort before dark, as mentioned by Milly. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating the trail in the twilight hours.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is some tension between the characters, particularly with the introduction of Milly and potential conflicts with authority, the overall tone of the scene remains light-hearted and humorous.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, particularly in the protagonist's interactions with Milly and the potential conflict with authority.

High Stakes: 5

While there is some tension and potential conflicts introduced in the scene, the overall stakes are not extremely high at this point in the story.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing the Windwagon, setting up potential conflicts and alliances with the introduction of Milly, and maintaining the adventurous and humorous tone of the story.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions between characters and the potential for conflict or romance to develop.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around authority and identity, as highlighted by Milly's questioning of the protagonist's name and potential problem with authority. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits positive and neutral emotions from the audience, primarily through humor and the interactions between the characters. There is potential for emotional depth to be explored further in future scenes.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and engaging, capturing the personalities of the characters and driving the scene forward. The banter between the characters adds to the overall tone of the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic character interactions, the hint of romance between the protagonist and Milly, and the sense of mystery surrounding the characters' backgrounds.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The dialogue and actions flow smoothly, leading to a satisfying resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is consistent with the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events. It effectively sets up the conflict and resolution.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Badpiper and Simeth is lively and captures their camaraderie, but it could benefit from more subtext. Badpiper's encouragement for Simeth to approach Milly feels a bit on-the-nose. Consider adding layers to their conversation that hint at Simeth's internal conflict about engaging with Milly, perhaps through more nuanced banter or hesitation.
  • Milly's introduction as the major general's daughter is intriguing, but her character could be fleshed out further. Currently, she serves primarily as a romantic interest. Adding a line or two that reveals her motivations or desires would make her a more rounded character and provide depth to her interaction with Simeth.
  • The pacing of the scene feels slightly rushed, especially as Simeth transitions from a light-hearted moment with Badpiper to a serious conversation with Milly. A brief pause or a moment of reflection for Simeth before he approaches Milly could enhance the emotional weight of the encounter.
  • The setting of Fort Leavenworth at night is visually interesting, but the scene lacks descriptive elements that could enhance the atmosphere. Incorporating sensory details about the night—sounds, smells, or the ambiance of the fort—would help immerse the audience in the scene.
  • The ending line from Badpiper is humorous but could be more impactful if it tied back to the themes of the story. Consider having him reference Simeth's journey or growth in a way that resonates with the audience, reinforcing the stakes of Simeth's choices.
Suggestions
  • Add subtext to Badpiper and Simeth's dialogue to convey Simeth's reluctance or internal struggle about approaching Milly, making the interaction feel more layered.
  • Develop Milly's character by including a line that hints at her aspirations or concerns about her identity, making her more relatable and engaging.
  • Slow down the pacing slightly by including a moment of hesitation or reflection for Simeth before he approaches Milly, allowing the audience to feel his internal conflict.
  • Incorporate more sensory details about the setting to create a richer atmosphere, enhancing the audience's immersion in the scene.
  • Revise Badpiper's final line to connect more deeply with the overarching themes of the story, reinforcing the significance of Simeth's choices and growth.



Scene 25 -  Moonlit Horseshoes
EXT. HORSESHOE PIT - NIGHT

CLANK! A giant steel horseshoe crashes far from the stake.
Milly laughs heartily in the full moonlight.

MILLY
Don't your horses wear any shoes
where you are from?

SIMETH
Where I am from they walk on water.

MILLY
Oh? You mean like Jesus? Well
they still need shoes if you ask
me. Besides, I'd say you all are
missing out on some fun throwing
'em then if you want to know the
truth.

Milly throws a shoe that lands in the dirt right at the
stake for an easy two-pointer.

SIMETH
You possess a talent for this game.

Simeth throws another shoe that crashes into the dirt and
bounces along the boards. Milly holds back her laughter.

MILLY
Horseshoes is definitely not your
game. So what is it that you like
to do for fun, Mr. Smith?

Milly chucks another horseshoe and one arm of it leans up on
the stake for more points. Simeth can't believe it.
70.

SIMETH
Fun?

MILLY
Yes. That's right. You know what
fun is don't you?

SIMETH
I do. But where I am from all we
think about is war.

MILLY
That's terrible. What kind of a
home is that?

SIMETH
I don't know. But it is mine.

MILLY
Is it far?

SIMETH
Yes. I think so.

MILLY
Grandad used to tell stories about
when they went out from the old
country. Said the gales were so
bad the rations became logged and
some never even made it all the way
to see the New World. Isn't that
terrible?

SIMETH
It is. The sea can be deadly. But
it can also lead to great
adventure.
Simeth and Milly look at each other a moment. Simeth gets
flustered and throws another wild one.

MILLY
Is that why they call you "Admiral"
then? Because you are a great
adventurer?

SIMETH
I don't know where they got that.

MILLY
I do.

MUSIC CUE: "Blowing in the Wind" by Bob Dylan
Milly tosses her last shoe and it just catches the stake and
spins wildly around for a ringer. Simeth can't believe it
and we see them look at each other for a moment before they
embrace in a kiss. The moonlight pours through behind them
as the shoe spins its way home.
71.
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Romance"]

Summary Under the full moon, Milly and Simeth engage in a playful game of horseshoes, where Milly showcases her skills while teasing Simeth about his lack of ability. As they share stories of their backgrounds—Milly's adventurous grandfather and Simeth's war-torn home—their contrasting perspectives create a light-hearted tension. The scene culminates in a romantic moment when Milly scores a ringer, leading to a shared kiss that symbolizes their deepening connection amidst the night.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Romantic atmosphere
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Lack of intense conflict
  • Potential for cliched romantic tropes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively blends romance, humor, and character development, creating an engaging and memorable moment.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using a game of horseshoes to facilitate a romantic connection between characters is unique and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the interaction between Simeth and Milly, showcasing their budding relationship and adding depth to their characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on a classic game of horseshoes by using it as a backdrop for deeper character exploration and philosophical themes. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Simeth and Milly are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations that drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

Both Simeth and Milly experience a shift in their relationship dynamics, moving towards a deeper connection.

Internal Goal: 8

Milly's internal goal is to connect with Simeth on a deeper level and understand his background and experiences. This reflects her desire for meaningful relationships and her curiosity about the world beyond her own.

External Goal: 7

Milly's external goal is to win the game of horseshoes and have fun with Simeth. This reflects her desire for enjoyment and lightheartedness in the moment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

While there is a subtle tension in the scene, the focus is more on building a romantic connection rather than intense conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is subtle but present in the contrast between Milly's carefree attitude and Simeth's more serious demeanor, adding complexity to their interactions.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character development and relationship building.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by developing the relationship between Simeth and Milly, setting the stage for future interactions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional depth that emerges from a seemingly casual game of horseshoes.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the contrast between Milly's perspective on fun and adventure versus Simeth's focus on war and survival. This challenges their beliefs and values, highlighting the different worlds they come from.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of warmth, nostalgia, and budding romance, creating an emotional connection with the characters.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is engaging, witty, and reveals important aspects of the characters' backgrounds and personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic between the characters, the humor in their interactions, and the underlying tension of their contrasting backgrounds.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension and emotion effectively, leading to a satisfying resolution in the final moments.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is formatted in a clear and concise manner, following the expected format for a dialogue-heavy interaction between characters.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural progression of dialogue and actions, leading to a climactic moment of emotional connection between the characters.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Simeth and Milly is playful and establishes a light-hearted tone, which is effective for a romantic moment. However, the banter could benefit from more subtext to deepen their connection. Currently, the conversation feels somewhat surface-level, lacking emotional stakes that would make the kiss more impactful.
  • Simeth's character is defined primarily by his background in war, which is a strong motivation, but the scene could explore his internal conflict more. For instance, how does he reconcile his war-torn past with the lightness of this moment with Milly? Adding a line or two that hints at his struggle could enhance the emotional depth.
  • Milly's character shines through her confidence and skill in horseshoes, but her backstory about her grandfather feels a bit disconnected from the current moment. It might be more effective to tie her story to Simeth's experience, perhaps by drawing parallels between their ancestors' journeys, which could create a stronger bond between them.
  • The use of the song 'Blowing in the Wind' is a nice touch, but it could be more thematically integrated into the dialogue. The lyrics could resonate with their conversation about adventure and the sea, enhancing the emotional weight of the moment. Consider referencing the themes of the song in their dialogue.
  • The visual imagery of the moonlight and the spinning horseshoe is poetic, but it could be more explicitly tied to the characters' emotions. For example, describing how the moonlight reflects their feelings or how the horseshoe's spin symbolizes their uncertain future together could add layers to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more subtext in the dialogue to reveal deeper emotions and conflicts. For example, have Simeth express a longing for peace or a desire to escape his past, which Milly could respond to with empathy.
  • Consider adding a line where Milly connects her grandfather's journey to Simeth's, perhaps suggesting that both of their families faced challenges in pursuit of a better life, which could create a stronger bond between them.
  • Enhance the thematic connection between the song and the dialogue. Perhaps have Milly reference the idea of searching for answers or freedom, which could tie back to the song's message and their conversation about adventure.
  • Use the visual elements more effectively by tying them to the characters' emotions. For instance, describe how the moonlight illuminates their faces, reflecting their hopes and fears, or how the horseshoe's spin mirrors the unpredictability of their futures.
  • Consider extending the moment before the kiss to build tension. Perhaps have them share a vulnerable moment or a laugh that leads to the kiss, making it feel more earned and significant.



Scene 26 -  Hurryman's Bold Proposal
INT. OFFICE - NIGHT

A train whistle HOWLS as we see Hurryman standing at the
head of a large table surrounded by businessmen. He checks
his watch.

HURRYMAN
Gentlemen. We have a problem. It
would appear that a young upstart
has managed to secure for himself
the greater share of traffic in
goods moving from the river down
the trail and away from this town.
SO MUCH SO -- in fact -- that we
have seen a loss in revenues from
those wanting to be conveyed in
that direction.

BUSINESSMAN #1
But how? The trails beyond are
hardly developed.

The businessmen all grumble with agreement.

HURRYMAN
Trails? Who needs trails?

BUSINESSMAN #1
Well every wagon I ever heard of.
You can't expect a horse team to
pull a load without one!

Again, the businessmen grumble, but this time louder.

HURRYMAN
Not this one.
BUSINESSMAN #2
Impossible! So how is it done then?
Does he float through the skies on
a hundred big red balloons? Or is
it NINETY-NINE?

The businessmen all begin to howl with laughter. Hurryman
joins in mockishly.

BUSINESSMAN #2
So it's balloons then? Brilliant!

HURRYMAN
More brilliant than you, Burroughs.
But he's not in the sky. He uses
the wind to push his cargo along
the ground.
BUSINESSMAN #1
Pushes it along the ground with the
wind? Impossible!
72.

HURRYMAN
Not impossible. Very much possible
and he is very much doing it.

BUISNESSMAN #2
Well there must be some way to stop
him?

HURRYMAN
How do you stop the wind?

The businessmen all look at each other with consternation.

BUSINESSMAN #3
Must be some way...

HURRYMAN
This Wind -- Wagon -- is fast. No
doubt about it. Out there in that
empty tall grass. Nothing but
wind. But we'll make it up in
volume. He can't carry what we
can.

BUSINESSMAN #2
So what exactly is your proposal,
Hurryman?

HURRYMAN
I need financing to lay track
straight from Westport all the way
to Fort Leavenworth and beyond.

BUSINESSMAN #3
But what about all the hills? And
half of that land is unsettled.
It's full of wild natives as it is!
HURRYMAN
We shall blast through the hills.
And as for the Indians, the army
will take care of them.

BUSINESSMAN #3
And how do we arrange all of that?

HURRYMAN
Gentlemen. Do leave that up to me.

The businessmen chuckle and nod in agreement. Hurryman
smiles and looks at his watch.

HURRYMAN
Oh, dear. Just look at the time.
Genres: ["Western","Adventure","Drama"]

Summary In a tense yet humorous meeting at night, Hurryman addresses a group of skeptical businessmen about a young competitor who is successfully using wind to transport goods, threatening their revenues. Despite initial disbelief and comic remarks from the businessmen, Hurryman proposes a railway solution to counter this competition, assuring them he will manage the logistics. The businessmen express concerns about the feasibility of the plan, but ultimately show tentative support as Hurryman emphasizes the urgency of the situation.
Strengths
  • Innovative concept of Windwagon
  • Engaging dialogue and banter
  • Setting up conflicts and potential obstacles
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional impact
  • Lack of significant character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces a new concept (Windwagon) and sets up a conflict between traditional transportation methods and innovative ideas. The humorous tone adds entertainment value.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using wind power for transportation is unique and intriguing. The scene effectively introduces this concept and sets up potential conflicts and challenges.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the introduction of the Windwagon concept and the initial reactions of businessmen. It sets up potential conflicts and future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to transportation challenges in a historical setting, with a focus on innovative solutions and strategic planning. The dialogue feels authentic to the time period and characters.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, especially Hurryman and the businessmen, are well-defined and contribute to the scene's tone and conflict. Their interactions add depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 5

There are no significant character changes in this scene, as the focus is more on introducing the concept of the Windwagon and setting up conflicts.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain his position of power and influence in the business world. This reflects his deeper desire for success and recognition.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to secure financing for a new transportation project that will outdo his competitor. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining his business dominance.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between traditional transportation methods and the new Windwagon concept creates tension and sets up potential obstacles for the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges from his fellow businessmen and the need to overcome obstacles in his transportation project. The audience is left wondering how he will succeed.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate in this scene, as the characters are dealing with business and transportation challenges rather than life-threatening situations.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a new concept, setting up conflicts, and hinting at future developments with the Windwagon.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected solution proposed by the protagonist and the humorous twist in the dialogue. The audience is kept on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between traditional methods of transportation and innovative approaches. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the importance of progress and adaptation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene focuses more on introducing a new concept and setting up conflicts rather than evoking strong emotions in the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging, with a mix of serious discussions and humorous banter. It effectively conveys information about the Windwagon concept and the characters' personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, the tension between characters, and the strategic planning involved in the business dealings. The audience is drawn into the conflict and resolution.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The dialogue flows smoothly, and the strategic planning adds depth to the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting. It adheres to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-heavy, character-driven scene in a historical setting. It effectively sets up the conflict and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes Hurryman as a cunning antagonist who is aware of the competition posed by the Windwagon. However, the dialogue could benefit from more distinct character voices to differentiate the businessmen. They currently blend together, making it hard for the audience to remember who is who.
  • The humor in the scene is a strong point, particularly with the banter about balloons. However, the pacing feels uneven; the laughter from the businessmen could be more tightly integrated into the dialogue to maintain momentum and keep the audience engaged.
  • Hurryman's proposal to lay down tracks is a pivotal moment, but it lacks a sense of urgency or stakes. The businessmen's laughter and skepticism dilute the seriousness of the situation. Adding a moment of tension or a more forceful reaction from Hurryman could elevate the stakes and make the proposal feel more critical.
  • The scene ends rather abruptly after Hurryman checks his watch. This could leave the audience feeling unsatisfied. A stronger closing line or action could provide a more impactful conclusion, perhaps hinting at the consequences of Hurryman's plan or foreshadowing future conflict.
  • The setting of the office is somewhat generic. Adding specific details about the office environment could enhance the visual storytelling and help ground the scene in its time period. Descriptions of the businessmen's attire or the decor could add richness to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider giving each businessman a unique trait or catchphrase to help the audience differentiate them and make the dialogue more memorable.
  • Tighten the pacing by integrating the businessmen's laughter more fluidly into the dialogue, ensuring it feels like a natural part of the conversation rather than a separate beat.
  • Introduce a moment of tension or urgency when Hurryman presents his proposal, perhaps by having him raise his voice or emphasize the consequences of inaction to make the stakes clearer.
  • End the scene with a more impactful line or action from Hurryman that hints at the challenges ahead, such as a foreboding comment about the difficulties of laying track or a warning about the competition.
  • Enhance the setting by incorporating specific visual details that reflect the time period and the personalities of the characters, such as the type of furniture, decor, or even the businessmen's expressions and body language.



Scene 27 -  A Ride into Uncertainty
EXT. BIG TREE - DAY

Simeth and Milly are sitting underneath the shade of a lone
giant cottonwood tree on the outskirts of the fort. They
73.

are clearly enjoying themselves as they smile and laugh with
each other.

MILLY
So tell me. What is your next
great adventure, Admiral Smith?

SIMETH
My only desire is to get back home.

MILLY
You mean even with all the trouble?
You must really miss that place.

SIMETH
That's right.

MILLY
I heard there's no place like --

They go for another kiss and then, KABOOM! An enormous
explosion goes off in the distance. Simeth and Milly turn
their attention in its direction. Simeth rises to his feet.
He sees only a large cloud of smoke billowing up from the
blast.

MILLY
What is it?

Simeth thinks. Just as he is ready to say something,
Badpiper and Small Hawk arrive on the back of the white
mustang.

BADPIPER
ADMIRAL!

The riders arrive and Badpiper jumps off and runs up to
Simeth.

BADPIPER
Admiral!

SIMETH
What is it?

BADPIPER
It's the train. They're blasting
and laying track as they go.

SIMETH
The locomotive? Not out here.

BADPIPER
I'm telling you, Admiral. They are
on their way.

Badpiper turns to look at Small Hawk who has not left his
horse. Small Hawk pulls a stick out and tosses it at
Simeth. Simeth looks at it a minute and smells it.
74.

BADPIPER
They don't have to worry about no
hills. They just blast right
through them.

Simeth studies the dynamite. Small Hawk stares at him.
Milly gets up and stands next to Simeth.

MILLY
What are you going to do?

BADPIPER
Aye? What now?

Simeth takes a deep breath.

SIMETH
We take a ride.
Genres: ["Romance","Adventure","Western"]

Summary Under a cottonwood tree, Simeth and Milly share a lighthearted moment, but their conversation turns urgent when a distant explosion interrupts them. Badpiper and Small Hawk arrive on horseback with news of a train laying track nearby, prompting Simeth to confront the situation. As he examines a stick of dynamite, the tone shifts from romantic to tense, leading Simeth to decide to take action by going for a ride.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Romantic and adventurous tone
Weaknesses
  • Slight predictability in some character interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively combines romance, adventure, and humor while advancing the plot and character relationships, creating an engaging and memorable moment.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using a wind-powered wagon as a mode of transportation in the Wild West is innovative and adds a unique element to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of the locomotive threat and the decision to take action, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique blend of historical context, technological elements, and interpersonal dynamics, creating a fresh and engaging narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, particularly Simeth, Milly, and Badpiper, are well-developed and their interactions drive the scene forward, adding depth and emotion.

Character Changes: 7

Simeth's decision to take action against the locomotive threat shows growth and determination, setting up potential character arcs in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Simeth's internal goal is to return home, which reflects his deeper desire for familiarity and comfort. This goal may stem from a fear of the unknown or a longing for a sense of belonging.

External Goal: 7

Simeth's external goal is to investigate the explosion and the arrival of the riders, indicating a shift in the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between the characters and the looming threat of the locomotive provide tension and drive the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the unexpected explosion and the arrival of the riders presenting new obstacles for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the locomotive threat and the characters' decision to take action add urgency and importance to the scene, raising the tension and excitement.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict, resolving existing tensions, and setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden explosion and the arrival of the riders, introducing new challenges and obstacles for the characters to overcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash between progress and tradition. The introduction of the locomotive and dynamite represents technological advancement, challenging the characters' traditional way of life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The romantic moment between Simeth and Milly, as well as the camaraderie between the characters, evoke emotions and deepen the audience's connection to the story.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging, witty, and reveals character dynamics effectively, enhancing the scene's tone and themes.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between characters, the introduction of a new conflict, and the sense of mystery and intrigue surrounding the explosion.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and eager to see how the characters will respond to the new challenges.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions that enhance visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution that drives the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively transitions from a light-hearted moment between Simeth and Milly to a sudden shift in tone with the explosion, creating a sense of urgency. However, the dialogue leading up to the explosion feels somewhat generic and lacks depth. The exchange about Simeth's desire to return home could be enriched with more emotional weight or specific memories that highlight what he misses about Atlantis.
  • The introduction of Badpiper and Small Hawk is abrupt. While their arrival serves to escalate the tension, it might benefit from a more gradual build-up or a brief moment that showcases their urgency or the stakes involved. This would help the audience feel the weight of the situation more acutely.
  • The dialogue, while functional, could be more dynamic. For instance, Badpiper's lines could include more personality or humor to reflect his character traits, making the scene more engaging. Additionally, Milly's role could be expanded to show her agency in the situation, rather than just reacting to the men.
  • The visual elements of the scene are somewhat underutilized. Describing the setting more vividly could enhance the atmosphere. For example, detailing the cottonwood tree's size, the sound of the explosion, or the expressions on the characters' faces could create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • The stakes of the situation are not fully established. While the explosion indicates danger, the scene could benefit from a clearer explanation of why the train's blasting is significant to Simeth and the others. This would help the audience understand the urgency of their next actions.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a more personal touch to Simeth's dialogue about home, perhaps by including a specific memory or a longing that reflects his character's depth.
  • Introduce Badpiper and Small Hawk with a bit more context or urgency, perhaps by having them shout a warning or show visible signs of distress as they arrive.
  • Enhance Badpiper's dialogue with humor or wit that aligns with his character, making him more memorable and engaging in this moment.
  • Expand on Milly's character by giving her a more active role in the conversation or decision-making process, showcasing her strengths and contributions.
  • Incorporate more descriptive language to paint a vivid picture of the setting and the characters' reactions to the explosion, enhancing the emotional impact of the scene.



Scene 28 -  Race Against the Wind
EXT. TRAIL - DAY

The train whistle HOWLS as the crew of the Windwagon look
on. They are ready to see what that thing can do.

SIMETH
Full ahead. Ready the main sail!

Badpiper and John Henry hurry into position and the
Windwagon begins to rumble down the trail ahead of the
locomotive.

Ticket Man is standing in the train next to Hurryman. They
see the Windwagon. Hurryman is visibly upset and begins
wildly motioning for his crew to get ready.

The crew of the Windwagon is giving it all they've got.
Badpiper calls ahead to Simeth.
BADPIPER
It's a fine day for it, Admiral.
The headwinds will lead our course.

SIMETH
Mind the trim and head due north.
We'll cut them off at the fork
below where the crossing is most
beneficial.

Inside the train the men notice that the Windwagon is coming
up fast.

TICKET MAN
Looks like they took the bait, sir.
HURRYMAN
(checks his watch)
Excellent. Pour on the fire.
75.

The crew of the Windwagon work hard as they pull up
alongside the train.

SIMETH
Full sail ahead, men!

BADPIPER
We'll have breakfast ready for them
when they arrive, Admiral.

Suddenly, the wind takes a complete change of direction.
The sails of the Windwagon fall stiff and the wheels begin
to fallow.

SIMETH
Tack up! Tack up! Ready up the
jib.

Badpiper and John Henry hurriedly readjust their direction
as the locomotive pulls ahead.

TICKET MAN
It looks like they have lost the
momentum. We should catch some
ground on them now.

HURRYMAN
Of course. More fire.

An enormous puff of smoke billows from the locomotive
smokestack as the steam engine roars forward. The Windwagon
crew sees they are in trouble.

BADPIPER
It's too much, Admiral! We're
never gonna beat that beast without
THE WIND BEHIND OUR BACKS!
Badpiper looks to Simeth but gets no response. He motions
back to John Henry in an attempt to get something out of
Simeth. John Henry has no answer.

They keep struggling. Then Simeth has a flash.

SIMETH
We won't go past them. We'll go
over them.

JOHN HENRY
Over them?

SIMETH
Up ahead through the hill. We'll
jump over the top and then take the
draft winds down into the valley.

BADPIPER
The old over and under?
76.

JOHN HENRY
Over and under?

Simeth nods his head and the crew grabs tightly to the ropes
to prepare for the path ahead.

SIMETH
Ready about! Full sail windward to
the high side. Let loose the main!

The crew looks at each other and does as instructed as the
Windwagon tears it's way to the top of the hill. The men in
the locomotive take notice.

TICKET MAN
What are they doing? Have they
lost direction?

HURRYMAN
Never mind their direction. We
know where WE are headed.

We see the Windwagon begin to climb the hill as the
locomotive continues on underneath. The men in the train
look on, scarcely believing what they are witnessing.

Simeth turns back to Badpiper.

SIMETH
Lift ahead.

The two men see eye to eye in perfect understanding.

BADPIPER
Lift ahead!

Simeth can barely hold the wheel as the Windwagon takes off
over the top of the hill. The train rushes underneath as
the men inside it gaze up in disbelief at the soaring wagon.
Rocks tumble from the ridge as the wagon screams through the
air.

Simeth notices something is not right. He tries to adjust
the wheel at the last minute. He clutches frantically as
the back wheel catches on the edge of the hill.

Wheels are violently torn off as the Windwagon begins
spinning wildly. Simeth makes some attempt to regain
control but it is hopeless as he is thrown away.

The Windwagon lists wildly in mid-air. It violently crashes
on the other side and flips completely over on its side.

The men on the train witness the Windwagon break apart and
look at each other.

TICKET MAN
My God. Are they...
77.

HURRYMAN
Someone will be along for them.
Remember now, we are planning the
schedule for this route so we must
not delay. Let me know when we
arrive.

Hurryman walks away leaving Ticket Man alone.
Genres: ["Adventure","Action","Comedy"]

Summary The crew of the Windwagon, led by Simeth, embarks on a daring race against a locomotive. As they gain speed, a sudden shift in wind complicates their journey, prompting Simeth to propose a risky jump over the train. Despite their efforts, the Windwagon loses control mid-air and crashes, leaving the crew's fate uncertain while Hurryman remains focused on the train's schedule.
Strengths
  • Innovative concept
  • Engaging action sequence
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of realism in the daring leap
  • Limited emotional depth in the crash aftermath

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, combining action, humor, and drama effectively. The daring leap and subsequent crash create tension and excitement, while the humor and camaraderie among the crew members add depth and entertainment value.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using a wind-powered wagon to compete with a train is unique and innovative. The daring leap over the hill adds a thrilling element to the scene, showcasing the crew's creativity and risk-taking spirit.

Plot: 7

The plot advances significantly as the Windwagon crew faces a new challenge and takes a bold action to outmaneuver their competition. The scene introduces high stakes and sets the stage for further developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and original concept of the Windwagon, blending elements of historical sailing ships with futuristic technology. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the unique setting and plot developments.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Simeth, Badpiper, and John Henry, show courage, teamwork, and quick thinking in the face of danger. Their interactions and dynamics add depth and humor to the scene, making the audience root for their success.

Character Changes: 6

Simeth shows quick thinking and adaptability in coming up with the plan to leap over the hill, showcasing growth and leadership skills. The experience also strengthens the bond between the crew members.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to prove their worth and skill as a captain of the Windwagon. This reflects their desire for recognition, respect, and success in their chosen profession.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to win the race against the steam locomotive. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the need to showcase the capabilities of the Windwagon.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the Windwagon crew and the train, as well as the internal conflict of whether to take the daring leap, creates tension and suspense. The high stakes and the risk of failure increase the intensity of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the crew of the Windwagon facing challenges and obstacles in their race against the steam locomotive. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome and rooting for the protagonist to succeed.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the scene, including the risk of failure, injury, or loss, add intensity and urgency to the action. The outcome of the daring leap will have a significant impact on the characters' journey and goals.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new challenge, showcasing the crew's resourcefulness, and setting up future conflicts and developments. The success or failure of the daring leap will have significant implications for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the race between the Windwagon and the steam locomotive. The outcome is uncertain, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between traditional and innovative forms of transportation. The crew represents the old ways of sailing and teamwork, while the locomotive symbolizes modern technology and efficiency. This conflict challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the value of tradition versus progress.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from excitement during the daring leap to humor in the crew's interactions. The crash of the Windwagon adds a touch of sadness and concern for the characters' well-being.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and reflects the characters' personalities well. The banter between Simeth, Badpiper, and John Henry adds humor and camaraderie, enhancing the scene's entertainment value.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high-energy action, suspenseful race, and dynamic character interactions. The reader is drawn into the intense competition and root for the protagonist to succeed.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, excitement, and suspense as the race unfolds. The rhythm of the action and dialogue keeps the reader engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions that enhance the reader's understanding of the action and character interactions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, building tension and excitement as the race unfolds. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the high-stakes competition between the Windwagon and the steam locomotive.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension as the Windwagon crew prepares to race against the locomotive, creating a sense of urgency and excitement. However, the dialogue could be tightened to enhance the pacing and clarity of the characters' intentions.
  • Simeth's command to 'full ahead' and 'ready the main sail' establishes his leadership, but the subsequent dialogue could benefit from more distinct character voices. Each character should have a unique way of speaking that reflects their personality, which would add depth to their interactions.
  • The transition from the Windwagon gaining momentum to the sudden change in wind direction feels abrupt. A brief moment of foreshadowing or a visual cue could help prepare the audience for this shift, making it feel less like a plot device and more like a natural occurrence.
  • The concept of jumping over the train is imaginative and adds a layer of excitement, but the execution could be clearer. The mechanics of how the Windwagon will achieve this leap should be elaborated upon to avoid confusion. A brief explanation or visual cue could help the audience understand the feasibility of the plan.
  • The emotional stakes for the characters during the jump could be heightened. Adding internal thoughts or fears from Simeth or Badpiper about the risks involved would create a stronger connection for the audience, making the crash more impactful.
  • The ending of the scene, where the Windwagon crashes, is dramatic but lacks immediate emotional resonance. A moment of silence or a reaction shot from the crew could enhance the gravity of the situation, allowing the audience to process the consequences of their actions.
Suggestions
  • Revise the dialogue to give each character a distinct voice, reflecting their personality and background more clearly.
  • Introduce a moment of foreshadowing before the wind change, perhaps through a visual cue or a line of dialogue that hints at the impending shift.
  • Clarify the mechanics of the Windwagon's jump over the train by adding a brief explanation or visual representation of how this will be achieved.
  • Incorporate internal thoughts or fears from Simeth and Badpiper during the jump to heighten the emotional stakes and connect the audience to their experience.
  • Add a moment of silence or a reaction shot from the crew after the crash to emphasize the gravity of the situation and allow the audience to absorb the impact of the event.



Scene 29 -  Rescue in the Rain
EXT. BIG TREE - NIGHT

It has turned from day into night and the winds have given
way to a light rainfall. Simeth is lying in the tall grass.
He slowly begins to pick himself up, shaken but still alive.

As the thundering locomotive gives one final parting HOWL,
Simeth calls out into the darkened rain.

SIMETH
Can anybody hear me? Anyone!

JOHN HENRY
Alright.

SIMETH
Are you there? Are you, John?

JOHN HENRY
Yep. I'm alright.

SIMETH
Pirate!

Simeth hears nothing. Sound means life.

SIMETH
Piper!
Simeth stumbles around in the pouring rain. Frantically, he
begins to overturn pieces of the wrecked Windwagon in his
desperation.

SIMETH
Where?

Simeth hears a rustling next to THE BIG TREE. John Henry
tries to hold him back but he breaks loose and rushes over
to investigate.

He stumbles ahead and begins frantically trying search the
wreckage. He looks back at John Henry.

SIMETH
Here. Come on! He's here!
The two of them work together pulling away pieces of oak.

Simeth continues to dig but John Henry is giving up hope.
Simeth looks at him but keeps digging until he gets to the
78.

large mast. He can't get it alone so John Henry grabs it
and pulls it away with A MIGHTY HEAVE.

SIMETH
Badpiper!

Badpiper lies unconscious and Simeth tries to wake him.

SIMETH
Wake up.

He shakes him. Nothing happens.

SIMETH
We have to get you out of here.

He shakes him some more. John Henry looks away.

SIMETH
No...

John Henry picks up Simeth and they begin to walk away.

SIMETH
It is my fault. It is all my
fault. I should have --

BADPIPER
Admiral...

SIMETH
Badpiper?

Simeth and John Henry run over to him.

SIMETH
You. You are alive!
BADPIPER
Am I?

SIMETH
You are! How do you feel?

BADPIPER
Dry...

Simeth smiles and embraces his friend as the rain begins to
pour.
Genres: ["Adventure","Drama","Romance"]

Summary In a tense and rainy night, Simeth frantically searches for his friend Badpiper after a wreck, driven by guilt and fear. With the help of John Henry, they dig through the wreckage of the Windwagon, ultimately finding Badpiper unconscious. After a desperate attempt to wake him, Badpiper regains consciousness, bringing relief and joy to Simeth, who embraces him as the rain continues to pour.
Strengths
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • Intense conflict resolution
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel cliched or melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines drama, emotion, and action to create a compelling narrative that keeps the audience engaged. The rescue operation and the characters' reactions add depth and tension to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a daring rescue after a catastrophic event is well-executed, showcasing the characters' determination and loyalty. The scene effectively conveys the challenges and risks involved in the situation.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the characters' actions and decisions, particularly in the aftermath of the crash. The scene sets up new challenges and developments for the characters to overcome.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar theme of survival and friendship in a life-threatening situation. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' emotions and relationships are central to the scene, with each one displaying unique traits and motivations. Their interactions drive the narrative forward and add depth to the story.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes during the scene, particularly in their relationships and perspectives. The events of the crash and rescue operation lead to personal growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Simeth's internal goal in this scene is to find his friend, Badpiper, and ensure his safety. This reflects his deeper need for companionship and loyalty, as well as his fear of losing someone important to him.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to rescue Badpiper from the wreckage and get him to safety. This reflects the immediate challenge of surviving the aftermath of the accident.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as the characters face the aftermath of the crash and the challenges of the rescue operation. Tensions run high, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing difficult obstacles and uncertain outcomes. The audience is kept in suspense, unsure of how the characters will overcome their challenges.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters face life-threatening situations and must make difficult decisions to survive. The outcome of the rescue operation has significant consequences for their future.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and developments for the characters to overcome. It sets the stage for future conflicts and resolutions, driving the narrative towards its climax.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' uncertain fate and the unexpected twists in their search for Badpiper. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between hope and despair evident in this scene. Simeth's determination to find and save Badpiper contrasts with John Henry's initial resignation and lack of hope. This challenges Simeth's belief in the power of perseverance and loyalty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly through the characters' struggles and moments of connection. The intense emotions and dramatic events heighten the impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and intentions, especially during moments of tension and relief. It enhances the scene's dramatic impact and showcases the characters' personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, emotional intensity, and fast-paced action. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggle to survive and save their friend.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and emotion, keeping the audience engaged, and driving the action forward at a brisk pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and emotion.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys a sense of urgency and desperation as Simeth searches for Badpiper, which is crucial after the crash. However, the emotional stakes could be heightened by incorporating more internal conflict for Simeth, reflecting on his feelings of guilt and responsibility for the accident.
  • The dialogue is functional but lacks depth. Phrases like 'Wake up' and 'You are alive!' could be expanded to include more emotional weight or context, allowing the audience to feel Simeth's relief and Badpiper's confusion more profoundly.
  • The physical actions of digging through the wreckage are clear, but the scene could benefit from more sensory details. Describing the sounds of the rain, the feel of the mud, or the smell of the wreckage would immerse the audience further into the moment.
  • The pacing feels rushed, especially in the transition from Simeth's frantic search to the moment he finds Badpiper. Slowing down the moment of discovery could enhance the emotional impact, allowing the audience to savor the relief of finding Badpiper alive.
  • The character dynamics between Simeth and John Henry are underdeveloped. Their relationship could be explored further, perhaps through shared dialogue that reflects their history or mutual concern for Badpiper, adding layers to their interactions.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding internal monologue for Simeth to express his guilt and fear during the search, which would deepen the emotional resonance of the scene.
  • Enhance the dialogue to include more emotional exchanges, such as Simeth expressing his fears about losing Badpiper or John Henry providing encouragement, which would strengthen their camaraderie.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to create a vivid atmosphere, such as the sound of rain hitting the wreckage or the coldness of the mud, to draw the audience into the scene.
  • Slow down the pacing during the moment of discovery to allow for a more dramatic reveal of Badpiper's condition, perhaps by having Simeth hesitate before uncovering him, building tension.
  • Explore the relationship between Simeth and John Henry further by including a brief exchange that highlights their friendship and shared concern for Badpiper, which would add depth to their characters.



Scene 30 -  Destiny Unveiled
EXT. BIG TREE - DAY

Simeth stands looking at the wrecked Windwagon. He fights
himself as the wind whips furiously behind him.
He holds the dynamite in his hand. He begins to light it.

SMALL HAWK
Wind Man!
79.

Small Hawk sits on the white mustang as the prairie wind
violently waves the feathers he is wearing and the long mane
of the horse. Neither are bothered by it.

SMALL HAWK
Wind Man! NOT FROM YOU!

Simeth looks at Small Hawk. He has never heard him speak.
He goes back to the dynamite.

SIMETH
It's mine. I will do as I see fit.
Go away.

SMALL HAWK
It is not yours.

SIMETH
Really? Well I am the one who
built it. So I do believe that
makes me the one who can end it.

SMALL HAWK
The wind is not yours.

SIMETH
(hesitating)
Leave me alone.

SMALL HAWK
Those men want to kill you. But
the wind will not let them. It is
too strong.

SIMETH
Well... we will just have to see
how strong it is then, won't we?
Simeth takes back the dynamite to throw it but Small Hawk
raises up his bow and fires an arrow directly into the wick.
It sends sparks flying, putting out the flame. Simeth looks
at it and puts his arm down in astonishment. Small Hawk
motions for Simeth to get on the back of the white mustang.
He climbs on and together they ride away.

EXT. NATIVE VILLAGE - DAY

Small Hawk is carrying Simeth on the back of the white
mustang through his home village. The people look on
curiously as they go about their lives. An old woman sees
them approaching as children and dogs run and play.

Simeth is only mildly aware as Small Hawk tells the others
to keep away. Small Hawk stops the mustang in front of a
tipi and the two men go inside.
80.

INT. NATIVE TIPI- DAY

They enter and the old woman is sitting waiting for them by
a fire. SUN EAGLE is not frightened. Small Hawk encourages
Simeth to sit down as the fire burns and flickers with
elemental energy.

Simeth looks at the old woman and she says nothing. He
demands an answer from Small Hawk.

SIMETH
Why have you brought me here?

SMALL HAWK
Sun Eagle knows why you are here.
She saw it in a dream.

Simeth scoffs and begins to rise to his feet. Small Hawk
pulls him down and says something to Sun Eagle in their
language. She answers him.

SIMETH
What did she say?

Small Hawk hesitates, making sure he has the right words.

SMALL HAWK
She says your people --

SIMETH
My people! You mean she knows what
happened to my people? I must
know. Ask her.

He asks.

SMALL HAWK
She says your people... They made
the Spirit of Water very angry.

SIMETH
(shocked)
What happened when the Spirit was
angry?

Small Hawk asks her.

SMALL HAWK
She says that he destroyed them
because they did not follow his
way. But the Spirit of Wind took
pity on the people and saved who
she could.
SIMETH
You mean, some are still alive?
But where are they? Ask her.
Please.
81.

He asks her.

SMALL HAWK
She says the wind took them very
far so that they would be safe from
the anger of the water.

SIMETH
So where are they?

Small Hawk says something to Sun Eagle. She resists. He
insists that she do something but she fights him. They
argue until she finally relents.

She looks at Simeth a moment and then produces an
intricately beaded pouch. She unties it and opens the flap.
Something falls out into her hand.

Gleaming in the light is a pure golden figurine. It is a
perfect representation of an Atlantean airfighter craft.
Simeth knows exactly what it is. He can't believe she is
holding it as it shines in the firelight.

SIMETH
How? Ask her how she got that.

Small Hawk hesitates. Simeth plods him to queston her but
he already knows the answer.

SMALL HAWK
We are the Kaw. We are the People
of the South Wind. The people of
water. The Kanza Nation. Long ago
we came to this land from far away.
We nearly died but we found the
horses and this land became our
home. The Wind Spirit was there to
guide us. And we gave her thanks.
We never forgot the old ways of the
water and the wind became our sea.

SIMETH
So then, it is true. It is all
true. Atlantis is no more. But
what about me? Why am I here? I
don't understand any of this.

Small Hawk looks at Sun Eagle and she gives him a nod.

SMALL HAWK
She saw something else in her
dream.

SIMETH
What is it? Tell me what she saw.
82.

SMALL HAWK
She saw the Wind Spirit would
deliver us a warrior. A warrior
who would save our people from the
machines that eat away our land.

Simeth rises to his feet. He doesn't want to believe it.

SIMETH
Who is this warrior?

Sun Eagle nods at Small Hawk again.

SMALL HAWK
You, Admiral. She says it is you.

Simeth collapses in disbelief.

SIMETH
How can this be? I'm only one man.
What am I to do? They have already
beaten me!

Sun Eagle says something directly to him without looking at
Small Hawk.

SMALL HAWK
She says the Wind Spirit will be
your guide.

The wind whips through the flap of the tipi and extinguishes
the fire leaving the trio in darkness.

MONTAGE - MUSIC CUE: "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas

- Simeth and Small Hawk are riding horses in heavy full moon
light through the Flint Hills and they are approaching a
small river. Small Hawk is going at it at full speed as
Simeth pleads with him to stop. Small Hawk laughs and
splashes into the river and crosses to the other side.
Simeth follows and jumps across with him.

- They observe a golden eagle sitting on a tree stump. The
men nod at each other as the animal sits upon its stump.
Small Hawk nudges Simeth in the arm and then crouches and
slowly works his way around the flank of the animal. Simeth
squints, wondering what is happening. Small Hawk emerges
from the tall grass and plucks a feather from the eagle's
tail. The bird flies off and Small Hawk waves the feather
at Simeth.

- Simeth nods and turns and we see Small Hawk and his
friends with ropes tied to the back of their horses. They
have tied themselves to the Windwagon. Simeth gives the
command and the horses dig deeply into the dirt as the
Windwagon is slowly returned upright. Small Hawk looks on
from his mustang as Simeth smiles.
83.

- John Henry is sitting out in back of his shop, drinking
coffee early in the morning. He notices on the distant
horizon that two men are approaching on horseback. He heads
inside and grabs a rifle. He points it at the intruders.
One of them begins waving frantically and John Henry lowers
his weapon. He sees that it is Simeth and Small Hawk. He
smiles.

- Simeth and John Henry are working on rebuilding the
Windwagon. John Henry stands up for a moment and notices
again that someone is approaching. Simeth gets up to see
what it is. Small Hawk rides up with his friends. On the
back of the white mustang is a large wrapped buffalo skin.

Small Hawk dismounts and pulls down the buffalo skin. He
carries it over to Simeth and Armstrong and drops it at
their feet. Simeth looks at him and bends down to open it.

Simeth breaks it open and sees that it is full of hawk and
eagle feathers. He picks them up to admire the beauty. He
rises to say thank you to Small Hawk. Small Hawk screams
and he and the others ride away.

END OF MONTAGE
Genres: ["Adventure","Drama","Fantasy"]

Summary Simeth stands at the wrecked Windwagon, contemplating destruction with dynamite, but Small Hawk intervenes, asserting that the wind and dynamite do not belong to him. After Small Hawk extinguishes the flame, they journey to Small Hawk's village, where Sun Eagle reveals through a dream that Simeth is destined to be a warrior who will save their people from machines. Initially conflicted, Simeth learns of his greater purpose, leading to a montage of his growing bond with Small Hawk and their preparations for future challenges.
Strengths
  • Revelation of prophecy
  • Spiritual and mystical elements
  • Character depth and development
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, combining mystery, intensity, and reflection. It introduces a crucial plot point and adds depth to the protagonist's journey.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the Wind Spirit's prophecy and the protagonist being chosen as a warrior is innovative and adds a mystical element to the story. It introduces a unique spiritual aspect to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the revelation of the prophecy, setting up a new direction for the characters and adding layers of complexity to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique blend of Native American spirituality, advanced technology, and a hero's journey narrative. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, especially Small Hawk and Sun Eagle, play crucial roles in revealing the prophecy and adding depth to the protagonist's journey. Their interactions and beliefs shape the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The protagonist undergoes a significant change in perspective and understanding of his role in the prophecy, setting up a character arc for future development.

Internal Goal: 9

Simeth's internal goal is to understand his purpose and place in the world. He is grappling with his identity, his past, and his role in the events unfolding around him.

External Goal: 8

Simeth's external goal is to save the Native people from the machines that threaten their land. He is tasked with being their warrior and protector.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is internal conflict for the protagonist in accepting his role as a chosen warrior, the scene focuses more on revelation and spiritual guidance.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs, goals, and values driving the characters' actions and decisions.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised with the revelation of the prophecy, indicating a significant mission for the protagonist and the potential consequences of not fulfilling his destiny.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a crucial plot point that will drive the narrative and the characters' actions in the future.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the revelation of new information about the protagonist's role.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the balance between technology and nature, tradition and progress. Simeth's internal struggle mirrors the external conflict between the destructive machines and the natural world.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact is high due to the revelation of the prophecy and the protagonist's internal struggle. It evokes curiosity, shock, and hope in the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful, especially in the revelation of the prophecy and the characters' interactions. It conveys the mystical and spiritual elements effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of action, mystery, and emotional depth. The interactions between the characters and the unfolding of the plot keep the audience invested.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing action sequences with moments of reflection and dialogue, creating a dynamic and engaging rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Simeth and Small Hawk effectively establishes a conflict over ownership and control of the dynamite, which symbolizes Simeth's internal struggle. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to deepen the emotional stakes. For instance, Small Hawk's insistence that the wind is not Simeth's could be expanded to reflect a deeper philosophical or cultural perspective on nature and ownership.
  • The transition from the confrontation with Small Hawk to the journey to the Native village feels abrupt. While the montage is visually engaging, it could be enhanced by providing more context or emotional resonance regarding Simeth's feelings about being taken to the village. This would help the audience connect with his character arc more profoundly.
  • The introduction of Sun Eagle and her prophetic vision is intriguing, but the exposition could be streamlined. The dialogue explaining the significance of the golden figurine and the history of the Kaw people feels a bit heavy-handed. Consider showing rather than telling through visual storytelling or more dynamic interactions.
  • Simeth's disbelief about being the warrior feels somewhat clichéd. While it's a common trope, it could be made more unique by exploring his specific fears or doubts about leadership and responsibility. This would add depth to his character and make his eventual acceptance of the role more impactful.
  • The montage sequence is visually rich but could benefit from a clearer thematic connection to Simeth's journey. Each moment should tie back to his internal conflict or growth, reinforcing the idea of him becoming a warrior. As it stands, some moments feel disconnected from the central narrative.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the dialogue between Simeth and Small Hawk by incorporating more subtext that reflects their differing worldviews, perhaps through metaphors or cultural references that resonate with their backgrounds.
  • Add a brief moment of reflection for Simeth as he transitions to the Native village, allowing the audience to see his emotional state and thoughts about being taken there, which would create a smoother narrative flow.
  • Streamline the exposition regarding Sun Eagle's vision by integrating it into the dialogue more naturally, perhaps through a more interactive exchange that reveals the history of the Kaw people without feeling overly expository.
  • Deepen Simeth's internal conflict by exploring his specific fears about being a warrior. This could be done through flashbacks or internal monologues that reveal his past experiences and how they shape his current doubts.
  • Ensure that each moment in the montage ties back to Simeth's character development. Consider adding visual motifs or recurring symbols that represent his journey towards accepting his role as a warrior, making the montage feel cohesive and purposeful.



Scene 31 -  Defiance at the Trough
EXT. FORT STREET - DAY

Milly is standing at the trough giving her horse a drink. A
lone feather lands on the surface of the water. She stares
with fascination. Then another drops. She curiously looks
over her shoulder.

Simeth smiles and waves from the rooftop above.

MILLY
Where have you been? Everyone's
been looking for you, all over.
SIMETH
I've found it.

MILLY
Found what? What have you found?

SIMETH
My way home!

MILLY
Oh, Admiral. If only I could make
you understand.

SIMETH
Understand what? The Kaw have
shown me that --
MILLY
That you can still go back?
84.

SIMETH
Yes.

Milly shakes her head and opens up her horse's saddlebag.
She pulls out a worn and dusty old book. She thumbs through
it until she finds the page she is after and shoves it in
Simeth's face.

MILLY
Look at your home!

SIMETH
(grabbing book)
Where did you get this?

MILLY
It was in my father's library.

SIMETH
(thumbing pages)
Lies. All Greek lies. You would
really believe this?

Milly grumbles and turns to walk away with her horse.
Simeth follows.

SIMETH
See? Here? Plato? Might as well
be a Lemurian!

MILLY
I have to get ready for the banquet
tonight.

SIMETH
Banquet? What banquet?
MILLY
The railroad men are signing an
agreement with my father.

SIMETH
Agreement!

Milly stops and faces Simeth.

MILLY
They are going to finish the
western track.

SIMETH
You mean through the LANDS OF THE
KAW?
She says nothing and continues on her way. Simeth grabs her
arm and turns her back around.

SIMETH
This cannot happen.
85.

MILLY
You made it happen. While you were
away the man with the watch was
making plans to --

SIMETH
Made it happen... Just like
Posiedon's dawn. How could I have
been so --

MILLY
What are you talking about?

SIMETH
Not this time. This time an
Atlantian will do the right thing.
I have to --

Simeth takes off towards the headquarters.

MILLY
Smith! SMITH!

Milly watches him go then throws the book into the dirt.

CUT TO:

Simeth begins to work his way to headquarters, brushing away
the townspeople as he goes. They recognize him and the
whispers stir as he presses onward.

He somehow manages to reach the front door. His enemies are
waiting for him. Lieutenant and Guard block the entrance as
Simeth draws near.

LIEUTENANT
Well looksee who showed right up.
How 'bout that?

GUARD
They said you'd be around.

LIEUTENANT
They said you'd be around but we
ready. And you ain't got no friends
to help you this time.

GUARD
That's right. No friends for you
around here.

Simeth raises his hands and places them on the back of his
head. They smile and approach him to place him under
arrest. Before that can happen Simeth lauches a fist into
Lieutenant's stomach.

He clutches his gut and keels over as Simeth grabs his
collar and belt and sends him like a rocket into Guard.
They crash over the walkway as the crowd looks on.
86.

Guard is trying to catch his breath.

GUARD
(gasping)
Halt!

Simeth pulls his hat down and heads inside.
Genres: ["Western","Adventure","Romance"]

Summary Milly tends to her horse at a trough when she notices feathers falling into the water. She speaks with Simeth, who is determined to take action against a railroad agreement threatening the Kaw lands. Despite Milly's concerns, Simeth confronts the Lieutenant and Guard at headquarters, leading to a physical altercation where he overpowers them and gains entry into the building.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, with a mix of action, emotion, and romance that keeps the audience invested. The confrontation at Fort Street adds tension and showcases the characters' motivations effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a confrontation at Fort Street, with Simeth standing up against his enemies, is well-executed and adds depth to the story. The scene also introduces the theme of conflicting interests and the struggle for control.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Simeth takes a stand against the railroad men's plans, setting up a conflict that will likely have repercussions in the future. The scene also deepens the relationship between Simeth and Milly, adding a romantic subplot.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the clash between progress and preservation, incorporating elements of Greek mythology and Lemurian culture. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Simeth and Milly, are well-developed in this scene. Simeth's determination and defiance shine through, while Milly's conflicted feelings add depth to her character. The antagonistic Lieutenant and Guard also provide a strong contrast.

Character Changes: 7

Simeth's character undergoes a change as he stands up against his enemies and asserts his beliefs. Milly also experiences a shift in her perspective as she grapples with her feelings for Simeth.

Internal Goal: 8

Milly's internal goal is to make Simeth understand the truth about his home and the impending changes in their society. She wants him to see beyond his idealized version of the past and face the reality of the present.

External Goal: 7

Simeth's external goal is to stop the railroad men from finishing the western track through the lands of the Kaw. He wants to prevent the destruction of the Kaw's homeland.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Simeth and his adversaries, as well as the internal conflict within Simeth and Milly, adds intensity to the scene. The physical confrontation at Fort Street raises the stakes and keeps the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs and values driving the conflict between the characters. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of the confrontation.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as Simeth confronts his enemies and risks everything to protect his beliefs and the interests of the Kaw. The outcome of the confrontation will have significant consequences for the characters and the story.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by setting up a major conflict between Simeth and the railroad men. It also deepens the relationship between Simeth and Milly, laying the groundwork for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and decisions made by the characters. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the clash between progress and preservation. Simeth believes in the importance of preserving the Kaw's lands, while the railroad men represent progress and development.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact of the scene is significant, especially in the interactions between Simeth and Milly. Their conflicting emotions and the high stakes of the confrontation evoke strong feelings in the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and motivations effectively. Simeth's defiant lines and Milly's conflicted responses create a dynamic exchange that drives the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, conflicting beliefs, and dramatic confrontations. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and motivations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and emotional stakes. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The action lines are descriptive and engaging.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure with clear character motivations and escalating tension. The dialogue and actions flow smoothly, building towards a climactic confrontation.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of urgency and conflict, particularly with Simeth's realization about the railroad agreement threatening the Kaw lands. However, the dialogue can feel a bit expository at times, especially when Simeth and Milly discuss the implications of the banquet. This could be streamlined to maintain a more natural flow.
  • Milly's character is somewhat underdeveloped in this scene. While she expresses concern for Simeth, her motivations and feelings about the railroad agreement could be more clearly articulated. This would help the audience connect with her character and understand her stakes in the situation.
  • Simeth's transition from a lighthearted moment to a more serious confrontation is effective, but the shift could be more pronounced. The initial playful tone with Milly could be contrasted more sharply with the tension of the confrontation with the Lieutenant and Guard, enhancing the emotional impact.
  • The physical altercation at the end of the scene is a strong moment, showcasing Simeth's determination. However, the dialogue leading up to it could be more concise. The Lieutenant and Guard's taunts feel somewhat clichéd and could be replaced with more original lines that reflect their personalities and the stakes of the situation.
  • The use of the book as a plot device is interesting, but it feels a bit forced. Instead of having Milly shove the book in Simeth's face, consider a more subtle approach where she references it in a way that feels more organic to their conversation. This would enhance the realism of their interaction.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to reduce exposition and allow for more subtext. This can create a more engaging and dynamic conversation between Simeth and Milly.
  • Develop Milly's character further by giving her a stronger voice and clearer motivations regarding the railroad agreement. This could involve her expressing personal stakes or fears about the impact on her community.
  • Enhance the emotional transition from the playful moment to the serious confrontation by incorporating more visual cues or internal thoughts from Simeth that reflect his growing concern.
  • Revise the Lieutenant and Guard's dialogue to make it more unique and reflective of their characters. This could involve giving them distinct personalities or motivations that make their taunts feel fresh.
  • Instead of having Milly shove the book in Simeth's face, consider having her reference it in a way that feels more natural, such as discussing its contents or how it relates to her father's views, which would create a more organic flow in their conversation.



Scene 32 -  The Race for the Railroad
INT. HEADQUARTERS - DAY

Clark is seated at his desk as Hurryman sits across from
him. They are enjoying a cigar when Simeth bursts in. Both
men jump to their feet as the door hits the wall. Guard
runs in behind, still trying to catch his breath.

CLARK
Smith!

HURRYMAN
Arrest this man!

Guard tries to grab him.

CLARK
Belay that order...

HURRYMAN
Can you not see this man has lost
his mind, General? Why, just look
at him! He has been out wondering
around with the savages. He is
liable to kill us all.

CLARK
I see perfectly well, Hurryman.
And he'll do no such thing. Stand
down. All of you.
Guard stands at ease with his hands on his waist.

HURRYMAN
I must protest, Major General!

CLARK
What are you doing here, Smith?

HURRYMAN
Sir!

Clark raises his hand at Hurryman -- who flusters. Clark
turns back to Simeth.

CLARK
What are you doing here?
SIMETH
I have a proposal.
87.

Hurryman bursts into delighted laughter. Clark looks at
Simeth with consternation.

CLARK
This is a closed meeting, Smith.
We've already made a deal.

Hurryman chuckles. Simeth continues.

SIMETH
Sir, I have an offer that I believe
would impress all parties here in
this room. If you would only allow
me to --

HURRYMAN
Preposterous! This man is in no
position to negotiate. Run along
now and go back to your sailing
circus or whatever the devil you
call that thing and let the men
handle the real business.

SIMETH
The Windwagon. It is the fastest
ride on the prairie. Even faster
than a speeding locomotive.

Again Hurryman bursts out in laughter.

HURRYMAN
Ridiculous. We sent your
contraption into the dirt.

SIMETH
Then you should have no concern
about doing it again.
Hurryman gets to his feet and goes nose to nose with Simeth.

CLARK
So what is it, exactly, that you
are proposing here, Smith?

SIMETH
A race.

CLARK
Race?

SIMETH
That's right. A proper competition
between Windwagon and train in
order to determine which is the
fittest of all.

CLARK
I see. And just what exactly is
the prize in this... race?
88.

HURRYMAN
Major General...

Clark again raises his hand to Hurryman.

SIMETH
It is my understanding that this
man intends to displace the lands
of the Kaw Indians to the west of
this fort in order to continue his
railroad line all the way to the
end of the territory.

HURRYMAN
Is this a joke?

SIMETH
Sir, these lands are sacred
homelands to these people and would
be a grave insult inflicted upon
them in the name of your
government.

CLARK
And so what is your solution?

SIMETH
A final race between Windwagon and
locomotive to determine the future
path of trains through this
territory. Should the train win, I
will go and the path of the rails
will continue on their current
course.

CLARK
And if the Windwagon wins?
SIMETH
The railroad shall seek a different
route for future tracks westward
that honor the lands of the Kaw
tribes and hold that ground
untouchable from that moment
onward.

Hurryman again bursts out in laughter.

HURRYMAN
Preposterous. The plans are well
in place this very minute. You
expect everything to wait for this
wild spectacle of yours to unfold?
Clark thinks for a moment. He looks at Hurryman.
89.

CLARK
Meanwhile, every day your men are
attacked and we spend our soldier's
lives to chase the Indians back.

HURRYMAN
Sir?

CLARK
Truth be told it would certainly
serve the army well to avoid a
costly encounter with the natives
while our manpower is stretched so
thin along the frontier. It is in
our best interest to avoid a direct
confrontation whenever we can.
Besides, this is just the kind of
thing we need to draw more
attention to this territory.

HURRYMAN
But our engineers believe that the
current route is the best way to
the west. I need that land! I
will have it!

CLARK
I've heard enough. Smith, you've
got your race. One week from
today. Have your wagon ready and
we'll settle it then.

SIMETH
Yes, General.

HURRYMAN
What difference does it make
anyway? Earth and fire beat wind
every time unless I'm missing
something.

Simeth smiles.

CLARK
Alright, then. A FORTY MILE race
to determine the winner. You are
dismissed, gentlemen.

Simeth and Hurryman stand face to face for a quick moment
before they both head towards the door.

CLARK
And gentlemen...
Both men look back at Clark.

CLARK
Do keep it clean.
90.
Genres: ["Western","Adventure","Drama"]

Summary In a tense meeting at military headquarters, Simeth bursts in with a bold proposal to race his Windwagon against a train, aiming to influence the future path of the railroad and advocate for the rights of the Kaw Indians. While Hurryman dismisses the idea as absurd, Clark sees the potential benefits of avoiding conflict and ultimately agrees to the race, setting it for one week later. The scene captures the escalating conflict between Hurryman's insistence on current railroad plans and Simeth's passionate plea, culminating in Clark's authoritative decision to hold the race.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Sharp dialogue
  • High stakes
  • Emotional resonance
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Hurryman's one-dimensional opposition
  • Lack of Native American perspective

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is pivotal in advancing the plot and introducing a major conflict that will impact the characters and the story. It is filled with tension, humor, and determination, making it engaging and impactful.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a race to decide the fate of the railroad route through Native American lands is innovative and adds a layer of suspense and urgency to the narrative. It introduces a moral dilemma and sets the stage for a thrilling competition.

Plot: 9

The plot is driven forward significantly in this scene as the race proposal introduces a major conflict and sets the stage for a high-stakes showdown between the Windwagon and the locomotive. It adds depth and complexity to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to conflict resolution through a race, blending historical elements with technological innovation. The dialogue and character interactions feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Simeth and Hurryman, are well-developed and their conflicting motivations and personalities create tension and drama in the scene. Their interactions reveal their beliefs and values, adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

Simeth undergoes a significant change in this scene, from a determined inventor to a defiant advocate for Native American rights. His decision to challenge the status quo and propose the race shows growth and a shift in priorities.

Internal Goal: 8

Clark's internal goal is to maintain peace and avoid unnecessary conflict, as seen in his desire to prevent a confrontation with the natives and draw attention to the territory in a positive way.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to settle the dispute between the Windwagon and the train through a race, showcasing his willingness to find creative solutions to conflicts.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving personal, moral, and societal stakes. The clash of ideologies between Simeth and Hurryman creates tension and drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and goals between the characters, creating uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, involving the future of Native American lands, the fate of the railroad route, and the characters' personal beliefs and values. The outcome of the race will have far-reaching consequences, adding urgency and tension to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major conflict and setting up a high-stakes race that will impact the characters and the narrative. It adds complexity and depth to the plot, driving the action towards a climactic showdown.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected resolution of the conflict through a race, adding a twist to the traditional negotiation process.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of progress versus tradition, as represented by the clash between the Windwagon and the train, and the importance of respecting sacred lands.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including tension, determination, hope, and defiance. The high stakes and moral dilemma add depth and resonance to the characters' actions and decisions.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and filled with subtext, reflecting the characters' conflicting interests and emotions. It drives the scene forward and adds layers to the characters' personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of humor, tension, and conflict, keeping the audience invested in the characters' decisions and outcomes.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a satisfying resolution and setting up future conflicts.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear character interactions and dialogue, effectively building tension and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes tension and conflict between Simeth and Hurryman, showcasing their opposing views on the railroad and the rights of the Kaw Indians. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to enhance the stakes and emotional weight of the confrontation. Currently, it feels somewhat straightforward and could be enriched with more layered exchanges that reveal deeper motivations.
  • Simeth's entrance is dramatic, but the immediate shift to a negotiation feels abrupt. The pacing could be improved by allowing a moment for the characters to react to Simeth's entrance before diving into the dialogue. This would heighten the tension and give the audience a moment to absorb the gravity of the situation.
  • Hurryman's character comes off as overly dismissive, which can make him feel one-dimensional. Adding moments that reveal his motivations or fears regarding the railroad could create a more nuanced antagonist. This would allow the audience to understand his perspective, even if they don't agree with it.
  • Clark's character serves as a mediator, but his motivations could be clearer. Why does he ultimately side with Simeth? Providing a glimpse into his internal conflict or the pressures he faces could add depth to his character and make his decision more impactful.
  • The stakes of the race are established, but the scene could benefit from a stronger emotional connection to the Kaw Indians. Simeth's passion for their cause is mentioned, but showing a personal connection or a specific story related to the Kaw could make his proposal resonate more with the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of silence or a reaction shot after Simeth bursts in to allow the tension to build before the dialogue begins. This can create a more dramatic atmosphere.
  • Incorporate subtext into the dialogue, allowing characters to imply their true feelings rather than stating them outright. This can create a more engaging and layered conversation.
  • Develop Hurryman's character by including a line or two that hints at his personal stakes in the railroad project, making him a more relatable antagonist.
  • Clarify Clark's motivations by adding a line that reflects his internal struggle or the pressures he faces from higher-ups regarding the railroad and the military's role in the conflict.
  • Introduce a specific anecdote or detail about the Kaw Indians that Simeth can reference in his proposal, making his argument more compelling and emotionally charged.



Scene 33 -  Tension at Dusk
EXT. SHOP - DUSK

Simeth and John Henry are busy working to rebuild the
Windwagon. It is up on blocks as they fight to try and get
it back. Milly approaches.

John Henry sees her. He grabs Simeth. Simeth looks up then
turns back and continues with his work. Milly stands
without movement.

JOHN HENRY
Admiral...

Simeth continues pounding away. Raging. He begins hitting
harder. Milly doesn't budge.

JOHN HENRY
Smith!

SIMETH
What?

John Henry looks at him a minute then gets up and walks
away. Simeth shakes his head and continues working.

MILLY
The TRIM?

SIMETH
What?

MILLY
My grandad said that it was the
most important part of the vessel
or she might flounder.

SIMETH
Well, grandad was wrong.

MILLY
In town they said you can't win.

SIMETH
Did they?

MILLY
Yes. They said you had too much
pride and not enough sense.

SIMETH
Maybe it's true.

MILLY
Can you win?
SIMETH
I don't know.
91.

MILLY
I want to join.

SIMETH
No! Absolutely out of the
question. Forget about it.

MILLY
Why not? You need all the help you
can get.

Simeth drops his tool in anger.

SIMETH
Thank you for the observation. The
answer is no. We will be just
fine. Now go, please.

Milly looks at Simeth a minute and then walks away. John
Henry observes as he sips his coffee.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary As Simeth and John Henry work on rebuilding the Windwagon, Milly approaches to discuss the importance of the trim and expresses her desire to help. Simeth dismisses her attempts and firmly refuses her assistance, leading to frustration and tension. Milly walks away, feeling rejected, while John Henry silently observes the conflict between them.
Strengths
  • Effective tension and conflict
  • Strong character interactions
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Lack of resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys tension and conflict through rejection and defiance, setting up potential character growth and plot development.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of pride and determination leading to rejection of help is well-executed, adding depth to the characters and setting up future conflicts.

Plot: 8

The rejection of help from Milly adds to the plot by creating tension and conflict, setting up potential character arcs and developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique elements such as the Windwagon and the characters' conflicting beliefs, adding authenticity to the story. The dialogue feels genuine and reflects the characters' personalities.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' interactions and reactions effectively convey their personalities and motivations, especially Simeth's pride and determination.

Character Changes: 6

Simeth's rejection of help from Milly showcases his stubbornness and pride, hinting at potential character growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Simeth's internal goal is to prove himself and his abilities, while also grappling with feelings of doubt and uncertainty.

External Goal: 7

Simeth's external goal is to rebuild the Windwagon successfully and win the upcoming competition.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The rejection of help creates a significant level of conflict between the characters, adding tension and drama to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and motivations that create obstacles for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 6

The rejection of help raises the stakes by highlighting the challenges and obstacles the characters face, setting up potential consequences for their actions.

Story Forward: 7

The rejection of help sets up potential conflicts and developments in the plot, moving the story forward by introducing new obstacles and tensions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting motivations and the uncertain outcome of the Windwagon competition.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between pride and practicality, as well as the balance between self-reliance and accepting help from others.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The rejection and tension in the scene evoke negative emotions and create a sense of unease, engaging the audience emotionally.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and conflict between the characters, showcasing their emotions and motivations.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the conflict between the characters, the high stakes of rebuilding the Windwagon, and the emotional tension between them.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a balance of dialogue and action that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character actions and dialogue that advance the plot effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes tension between Simeth and Milly, showcasing Simeth's internal struggle and determination. However, the dialogue feels somewhat stilted and could benefit from more naturalistic exchanges that reflect their emotional states more vividly.
  • Simeth's dismissive attitude towards Milly's input on the trim feels overly harsh and could be softened to create a more complex character. This would allow the audience to empathize with his frustrations while still recognizing his vulnerability.
  • Milly's character is introduced with a strong opinion about the trim, but her motivations for wanting to join the effort could be more clearly defined. Adding a line or two that reveals her personal stakes in the race or her connection to the Windwagon would deepen her character.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven, particularly with the back-and-forth dialogue. Some lines could be trimmed or restructured to maintain a more dynamic flow, ensuring that the tension builds effectively without losing momentum.
  • John Henry's role in the scene is somewhat passive. While he observes the interaction, giving him a more active role or a line that reflects his thoughts on the conflict could enhance the scene's depth and provide a third perspective on the situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it feel more organic. For example, instead of Simeth's abrupt 'What?' responses, he could express frustration in a way that reveals more about his character's emotional state.
  • Add a line or two from Milly that explains why she wants to join the effort, perhaps referencing her own skills or a personal connection to the Windwagon, which would make her plea more compelling.
  • Introduce a moment where Simeth reflects on Milly's words about the trim, perhaps showing a flicker of doubt or consideration before he dismisses her. This would add complexity to his character and create a more engaging conflict.
  • Enhance John Henry's presence by giving him a line that either supports Simeth or challenges him, which would provide a contrasting viewpoint and enrich the scene's dynamics.
  • Consider using physical actions to convey emotions more effectively. For instance, instead of just dropping his tool in anger, Simeth could throw it down or kick something, visually emphasizing his frustration.



Scene 34 -  Brawl at Kelly's Inn
INT. KELLY'S INN - NIGHT

The traditional OLD WEST saloon. Badpiper sits, belly up to
the bar. He is tossing back a few and having a time of it.
BARTENDER is wiping a glass and trading conversation.

BADPIPER
Was I in here last night? Did I
spend a $20 bill?

BARTENDER
Yep

BADPIPER
What a relief! I thought I'd lost
it.
BARTENDER
So you really think you boys got a
chance?

BADPIPER
(feeling no pain)
A chance? The Duster is going to
leave them in the...

BARTENDER
Dust?

Badpiper laughs hysterically and slaps a few backs of the
uninterested drunks beside him. Lieutenant and Guard happen
to be sitting at a table behind him.
LIEUTENANT
Badpiper!

Badpiper straightens up, not used to hearing his own name.
92.

LIEUTENANT
That is your name ain't it?
Badpiper?

Guard takes a drink and laughs. Badpiper turns around.

BADPIPER
Gentlemen! Out of bed at this late
hour? Please do let me buy the
next --

LIEUTENANT
We don't take no drinks from no
RENEGADES.

BARTENDER
Easy boys. No trouble in here,
savvy?

GUARD
Quiet! This here's army business.

The men sitting around Badpiper clear out and Lieutenant and
Guard approach him.

LIEUTENANT
Look at you. Nothing but a
disgrace. I don't know which is
worse. You or that rusty SKUNK
HAUL you and your friends been
calling a -- what was it?

GUARD
Windwagon.

LIEUTENANT
(chuckles)
Windwagon? I'd say that whole
thing looks more like a -- SOD
DOBBER!

The two men laugh as Badpiper finishes his last swallow.

BADPIPER.
You know something, lads?

LIEUTENANT
What's that?

BADPIPER
You can say anything you like about
meself. I've heard it all before.
But I must insist...
GUARD
Insist on what?

BADPIPER
That you leave my ship out of it!
93.

Badpiper smashes his glass into Guard's head and punches
Lieutenant square in the teeth. Bartender takes cover as
the whole place erupts into a giant brawl.

Fists and chairs go flying in every direction as Badpiper
stealthily makes his way to the door. He takes his time to
land a few more shots and swallow some more libations.

He makes his way outside and dusts himself off and lights up
a cigarette.

BADPIPER
Another fine evening on the town...

He is struck down in the back of the head with a large club.
A military man with a long mustache is standing over him.
Hurryman emerges from out of the shadows.

OFFICER
(in British accent)
This man? Seems a bit of the
disagreeable sort, doesn't he?

HURRYMAN
Indeed. But a fine bounty,
nonetheless. I'm sure you'll have
him well settled by this time
tomorrow?

OFFICER
Of course, sir. On behalf of the
British Empire, I thank you.

OFFICER raises his hand in salute and Hurryman halfheartedly
returns it. He checks his watch and heads down the
boardwalk, whistling a happy tune.
Genres: ["Western","Action","Adventure","Comedy"]

Summary In a lively Old West saloon, Badpiper engages in lighthearted banter with the bartender until a Lieutenant and Guard confront him, mocking his ship. Insulted, Badpiper retaliates by smashing his glass into the Guard's head and punching the Lieutenant, sparking a chaotic brawl. Amidst the mayhem, Badpiper escapes outside but is quickly knocked out by an officer, who then discusses capturing him for a bounty with Hurryman.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Dynamic action sequences
  • Humorous tone
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Slightly predictable plot twists

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends humor, action, and conflict to create an engaging and entertaining sequence that advances the plot and introduces new dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a bar brawl in an Old West saloon is a classic trope, but the addition of Hurryman and the mention of the Windwagon add depth and intrigue to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as tensions rise between Badpiper and the army men, setting up potential conflicts and alliances that will impact the story moving forward.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the classic Western saloon brawl, with unique character interactions and unexpected twists. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Badpiper and the army men, are well-defined and their interactions reveal their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character change in this scene, as the focus is more on establishing relationships and conflicts.

Internal Goal: 8

Badpiper's internal goal is to maintain his reputation and defend his honor in the face of insults and threats. This reflects his deeper need for respect and recognition in a tough environment.

External Goal: 7

Badpiper's external goal is to escape the confrontation and brawl in the saloon without getting caught or injured. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in a dangerous situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Badpiper and the army men escalates into a physical altercation, adding intensity and drama to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the Lieutenant and Guard posing a significant threat to Badpiper's safety and reputation. The audience is unsure of how he will overcome the challenge.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as tensions escalate between Badpiper and the army men, setting the stage for future conflicts and challenges.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new characters, conflicts, and alliances that will impact the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden escalation of violence, unexpected character actions, and surprising plot developments. The audience is kept on edge throughout.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between individual pride and authority. Badpiper's defiance of the Lieutenant and Guard's insults challenges their belief in military discipline and control.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

While there is some emotional impact in the scene, particularly in the tension and humor of the interactions, it is not the primary focus.

Dialogue: 9

The witty and sharp dialogue adds humor and tension to the scene, showcasing the characters' personalities and driving the conflict forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic action, sharp dialogue, and unpredictable twists. The tension and conflict keep the audience invested in Badpiper's fate.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, escalating conflict, and maintaining a fast-paced rhythm. The action flows smoothly, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a Western genre, with clear action lines, dialogue cues, and scene transitions. The visual descriptions enhance the setting and atmosphere.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a Western genre, with a buildup of tension, confrontation, and resolution. The pacing and formatting enhance the dramatic impact.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the chaotic and humorous atmosphere of an Old West saloon, showcasing Badpiper's character as a comedic and reckless figure. However, the dialogue could benefit from more distinct voices for each character to enhance their individuality and make the exchanges feel more dynamic.
  • The transition from Badpiper's lighthearted banter to the confrontation with the Lieutenant and Guard feels abrupt. While the escalation into a brawl is entertaining, it could be more impactful if there were additional build-up or tension leading to the conflict, perhaps through more subtle insults or a brewing sense of danger.
  • The physical comedy of Badpiper's antics is engaging, but the scene could use more visual descriptions to paint a clearer picture of the chaos. For instance, describing the reactions of the other patrons in the saloon during the brawl could add depth and enhance the comedic effect.
  • The introduction of Hurryman and the Officer at the end of the scene feels somewhat disconnected from the main action. While it sets up future conflict, it might be more effective if their entrance was foreshadowed earlier in the scene or if they had a more active role in the brawl, creating a stronger link between the two parts of the scene.
  • The dialogue, while humorous, occasionally relies on clichés (e.g., 'leave my ship out of it'). Striving for more original phrasing could elevate the writing and make the characters' voices feel fresher and more unique.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more character-specific dialogue quirks or catchphrases to differentiate Badpiper, the Lieutenant, and the Guard, making their interactions more memorable.
  • Introduce a moment of tension before the brawl, such as Badpiper overhearing a particularly insulting comment or a close-up of his reaction, to build anticipation for the fight.
  • Enhance the visual storytelling by including descriptions of the saloon's environment during the brawl, such as the clinking of glasses, the shouts of patrons, or the chaos of flying chairs, to immerse the audience in the scene.
  • Integrate Hurryman and the Officer earlier in the scene, perhaps by having them observe the brawl from a distance or interact with other patrons, to create a more cohesive narrative flow.
  • Revise some of the dialogue to avoid clichés and aim for more inventive language that reflects the characters' personalities and the unique setting of the Old West.



Scene 35 -  The Race Begins: A Clash of Ambitions
EXT. TRAIN DEPOT - DAY

MUSIC CUE: "Annie Lysle" (played on Scottish bagpipes)

Billowing white clouds fill the sky as THE WIND is whipping
the tall grass. A large crowd has gathered near the edge of
town jostling for position at the start of the race. A
large banner has been strewn across the street and flags
whip at the starting line. Newspapermen stand with cameras.

Hurryman and Major General Clark are standing together at
the starting line. Hurryman checks his watch and shakes his
head at Clark, who implores him to be patient. Hurryman
turns and prepares to storm away when Clark suddenly grabs
his arm and points in the distance.

The Windwagon is slowly approaching with Simeth behind the
wheel and John Henry working the ropes. Simeth has cleaned
himself up properly, looking every bit the part of the
ADMIRAL OF THE GRAND PRAIRIE.
94.

Hurryman sees Simeth's attire and laughs and turns to Clark
who is smiling at the sight. Hurryman frowns as the
Windwagon approaches the starting line. The crowd goes
wild. Simeth salutes Clark and turns to John Henry.

SIMETH
No one has seen him? Anywhere?

JOHN HENRY
Nope. Probably sleeping it off
somewhere, knowing him.

SIMETH
How could he? Not on this day.

Milly suddenly bursts through the crowd and runs up to the
Windwagon. Simeth is not pleased.

SIMETH
Not now. Don't you see we are
about to --

MILLY
(out of breath)
It's the Badpiper!

SIMETH
What about him? Have you seen him?

MILLY
No. The train man made a deal and
some men took him away.

Simeth looks over at Hurryman who gives him a menacing smile
and nod.

JOHN HENRY
This ain't no good at all. We
better forfeit...

MILLY
I'm coming aboard.

SIMETH
No! It's too dangerous.

MILLY
Admiral. You need a crew and right
now -- I'm all you've got. I don't
care what you say. I'm coming
aboard.

Simeth looks at John Henry. He shrugs and Milly climbs in.
HURRYMAN
(to Clark)
Now wait just a minute!
95.

CLARK
Milly! Step down here at once.

She straightens herself.

CLARK
Milly...

MILLY
Ever since I was a child I have
heard about the great explorer,
William Clark. Don't you see it,
father? I have been waiting for
this. This is MY adventure. It's
mine and I'm going.

CLARK
(resigned)
Are you sure my child?

Milly crosses her arms and says nothing.

HURRYMAN
Now see here! The arrangement was
for the original crew to drive that
boat. Remember? Keep it clean?

CLARK
And so now the Windwagon has her
full crew and she can go ahead.
All is well.

Clark gives a wink to his daughter and she smiles.

HURRYMAN
Oh what difference does it make,
anyway. We'd beat THAT BUCKET if
she had twenty -- men. It's time
to start this thing, Clark!

Clark and Milly share a salute and he takes his place at the
starting line.

CLARK
Let us begin -- LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN -- I would like to
welcome one and all to THE GREAT
KAW RIVER SHOWDOWN!

The crowd roars with applause. A camera flashes.

CLARK
The rules are quite simple. The
first team to arrive at the gates
of FORT LEAVENWORTH shall be
declared the winner and thus the
TERRITORIAL CHAMPION forthwith and
in perpetuity. Are both teams
ready?
96.

SIMETH
Aye.

Clark turns to Hurryman. Hurryman scoffs.

CLARK
Ready?

HURRYMAN
Ready, my good man.

CLARK
To your marks competitors. And may
the best team... win!

Again, the crowd roars as the Windwagon takes its place at
the starting line. Hurryman climbs aboard the train and
yells something to Driver.

Clark produces an old pistol from his side with a glorious
ivory handle and gold inlay. He stands at attention and
raises his arm skyward. He looks at the train then looks
back at the Windwagon. A hush falls over the crowd.

BOOM! of a pistol shot.

MUSIC CUE: "Wabash Cannonball" (George Jones)

John Henry gives the ropes a mighty tug as Simeth releases
the brakes. The great Windwagon sail fills out. We see it
has been painted with symbols of the prairie and the face
profile of a man with a mohawk.

The train whistle HOWLS as the engine releases a huge puff
of smoke and the wheels slowly begin to churn. Hurryman and
Ticket Man stand in the next car back from the engine and
smile as they pick up steam.
The three Native Americans have gathered on a hill outside
of town to view to the start of the race. They sit on
horseback as the clouds have grown darker behind them. One
of them says something to Small Hawk but he ignores him and
turns away on the white mustang, heading back down the hill.
Genres: ["Western","Adventure","Action"]

Summary At a bustling train depot, a crowd gathers for an exciting race between the Windwagon and a train. Hurryman, eager for the original crew, faces resistance as Milly insists on joining despite Simeth's objections. Major General Clark supports Milly's adventurous spirit, leading to a dramatic start with a pistol shot that signals the race's commencement. The scene is filled with tension and excitement as the competitors prepare to embark on their thrilling journey.
Strengths
  • Engaging plot
  • Well-defined characters
  • High stakes
  • Exciting conflict
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more impactful
  • Emotional depth could be enhanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is engaging, filled with tension, and sets up a thrilling competition between the Windwagon and the train, showcasing the determination of the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a race between a pioneering Windwagon and a traditional train is innovative and sets up a dynamic conflict that drives the scene forward.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around the race, creating suspense, excitement, and showcasing the characters' motivations and conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique concept of a race between a Windwagon and a train, blending elements of historical adventure with a touch of fantasy. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, with clear motivations and conflicts, adding depth to the scene and driving the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 7

Milly's decision to join the crew shows a change in her character, adding depth and complexity to the narrative.

Internal Goal: 8

Milly's internal goal in this scene is to prove herself as an adventurer and explorer, separate from her father's shadow. She desires to embark on her own adventure and assert her independence.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to participate in the race and help the Windwagon win against the train. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of competition and the desire for victory.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the Windwagon and the train, as well as the internal conflicts of the characters, creates a high level of tension and excitement.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts arising between characters and obstacles to overcome in the race. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the race between the Windwagon and the train, as well as the personal stakes of the characters, create a sense of urgency and importance.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by setting up a crucial race that will impact the characters' fates and the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' actions and decisions, such as Milly's defiance and the revelation of the Badpiper's disappearance. The audience is kept on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of tradition versus innovation, as represented by the Windwagon and the train. This conflict challenges the characters' beliefs about progress and the value of new technology.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of determination and hope, but could have a stronger emotional impact with more character development.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and serves to build tension and develop the characters, although it could be more impactful in certain moments.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes of the race, the dynamic character interactions, and the sense of anticipation and competition. The audience is drawn into the excitement of the event.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual buildup of tension leading to the climactic moment of the race starting. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue formatting. The visual elements are well-presented.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, character interactions, and a climactic moment of the race starting. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and excitement as it sets the stage for the race, but it could benefit from more vivid descriptions of the setting and characters to enhance the visual imagery. For instance, describing the crowd's reactions in more detail could amplify the atmosphere.
  • The dialogue between Simeth and Milly is a strong point, showcasing their dynamic and Milly's determination. However, Simeth's initial dismissal of Milly feels somewhat abrupt. Adding a line or two that reflects his internal conflict about her joining could deepen his character development.
  • Hurryman's character comes off as a bit one-dimensional, primarily serving as an antagonist. Providing him with a more nuanced motivation or a moment of vulnerability could make him a more compelling character.
  • The transition from the conversation about Badpiper to the race feels slightly rushed. A brief moment of reflection or concern from Simeth about Badpiper's fate could add emotional weight to the scene.
  • The use of music cues is effective in setting the tone, but the choice of songs could be better integrated into the narrative. For example, explaining why 'Annie Lysle' is significant to the characters or the moment could enhance its impact.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the visual descriptions of the setting and characters to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Add internal dialogue or a moment of hesitation for Simeth regarding Milly's involvement to deepen his character and the stakes of the situation.
  • Consider giving Hurryman a more complex motivation or a moment that reveals his character beyond being a mere antagonist.
  • Include a brief moment of reflection for Simeth about Badpiper's situation to add emotional depth and connect the stakes of the race to the characters' personal journeys.
  • Integrate the music cues more meaningfully into the narrative by providing context or significance to the chosen songs.



Scene 36 -  Stormy Pursuit
EXT. TRAIL - DAY

The Windwagon is whipping along nicely over the hills as
Simeth guides the wheel and John Henry and Milly work the
ropes. The clouds in the distance are becoming more and
more ominous and John Henry can't help but take notice.

JOHN HENRY
I sure don't like the looks of that
out yonder. Looks like something
is stirring up.

SIMETH
Just watch the trim and I'll be
sure to --
97.

MILLY
Mind the rudder!

Milly smiles at John Henry who shakes his head and laughs.

SIMETH
What have I done...

MILLY
You ain't getting rid of me that
easy, Windwagon Smith!

SIMETH
It's Admiral!

INT. TRAIN - DAY

Ticket man is anxiously looking out the window as the train
barrels steadily down the track. He is jumpy as he turns
back inside and sees Hurryman sitting at a desk examining a
large map of the territory.

HURRYMAN
So what do you think? Once we
clear the aboriginals, I believe
the best route will be further
south, closer to the river, and we
can meet up with the WAKARUSA at
Hogback Ridge...

TICKET MAN
Sir, are you sure we shouldn't lay
on a little more steam? I believe
the Windwagon is now about a mile
ahead of us.

HURRYMAN
A mile ahead? Really? Well we
should certainly make haste then
should we not?

TICKET MAN
Sir?

HURRYMAN
You worry too much, my good man.
We shall simply overtake them on
the downgrade the same way we did
before.

TICKET MAN
But sir, the wind is really helping
her today.
HURRYMAN
Of course. The WIND. More of that
cursed wind out here than anything
else. You know something? I will
(MORE)
98.

HURRYMAN (cont'd)
be glad as soon we've settled all
this nonsense and can be on our way
PAST this miserable territory.

TICKET MAN
Yes, sir.

Ticket Man turns back to the window.

HURRYMAN
Now then. I'm off for a little
nap. Please do let me know. About
anything.

TICKET MAN
I will.

Hurryman heads to a couch at the back of the train car and
reclines with his hat over his face.
Genres: ["Western","Adventure","Romance"]

Summary As the Windwagon, piloted by Simeth with John Henry and Milly, travels over hills under ominous clouds, John Henry expresses concern about the weather. Simeth and Milly engage in playful banter, showcasing their camaraderie. Meanwhile, Hurryman, aboard a train with the anxious Ticket Man, discusses plans to overtake the Windwagon, dismissing the Ticket Man's worries with confidence before taking a nap. The scene contrasts the carefree adventure of the Windwagon crew with the tension and urgency felt by the train's occupants.
Strengths
  • Exciting race sequence
  • Dynamic conflict and high stakes
  • Engaging character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Limited emotional depth in certain moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging and action-packed, with a mix of excitement, humor, and tension that keeps the audience invested in the outcome of the race.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a race between a traditional train and a revolutionary Windwagon adds a unique and dynamic element to the story, highlighting the clash between old and new transportation methods.

Plot: 7

The plot advances significantly as the race sets the stage for the resolution of the conflict over territory and the future of the Windwagon crew. The scene also introduces key themes of innovation and competition.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique mode of transportation and blends historical elements with a touch of fantasy. The characters' interactions feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show determination, humor, and camaraderie as they work together to navigate the Windwagon and compete in the race. The interactions between Simeth, Milly, and John Henry add depth to their relationships.

Character Changes: 6

The characters experience growth and development as they face challenges and make decisions that impact their relationships and goals. Simeth's determination and leadership skills are highlighted.

Internal Goal: 8

John Henry's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the Windwagon safely and possibly impress Milly. This reflects his desire for adventure and competence.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to overtake the Windwagon ahead of them. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the competitive nature of the characters.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the Windwagon crew and the train, as well as the larger conflict over territory, creates a sense of urgency and high stakes that drive the action forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and tension between characters. The uncertain outcome adds suspense and intrigue.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the race, the conflict over territory, and the characters' personal goals create a sense of urgency and importance that heightens the tension and drama of the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a crucial race that will determine the future of the Windwagon crew and the territory. It sets the stage for the resolution of conflicts and the characters' arcs.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the characters' conflicting goals and the uncertain outcome of their actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between Hurryman's dismissive attitude towards the territory and the Ticket Man's concern for safety and respect for the land. This challenges the protagonist's values of respect and caution.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from excitement during the race to tension over the outcome and the characters' personal stakes. The budding romance between Simeth and Milly adds a touch of sentimentality.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is functional, providing necessary information and showcasing the characters' personalities. There are moments of humor and tension that enhance the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the mix of action, humor, and tension. The characters' dynamics and the external goal create suspense and intrigue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a good balance between action and dialogue, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct settings and character interactions. It maintains a good pace and rhythm.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension with the ominous clouds foreshadowing potential trouble, which is a good narrative device. However, the dialogue could be more dynamic to reflect the urgency of the situation. The characters seem to be joking around despite the impending storm, which may undermine the tension.
  • Simeth's line, 'What have I done...' feels a bit vague and could benefit from more context or emotion. It would be more impactful if it reflected his internal conflict or fear about the race or the storm, rather than just a general sense of regret.
  • Milly's playful banter with Simeth adds a light-hearted touch, but it might be more effective if it also hinted at her determination or skills, reinforcing her role in the crew. This would deepen her character and make her contributions feel more significant.
  • Hurryman's dialogue in the train scene is somewhat one-dimensional. While he is portrayed as dismissive, adding layers to his character could enhance the conflict. Perhaps he could express some personal stakes in the race or reveal a past encounter with the Windwagon that fuels his disdain.
  • The transition between the Windwagon and the train could be smoother. The abrupt switch in focus might confuse readers. Consider using a visual or thematic bridge to connect the two scenes more cohesively.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the tension by having the characters acknowledge the storm more seriously. Perhaps John Henry could suggest they adjust their course or speed, prompting a more urgent response from Simeth.
  • Revise Simeth's line to reflect his emotional state more clearly. For example, he could express concern about the race's stakes or the safety of his crew, making his character more relatable.
  • Develop Milly's character further by incorporating a line that showcases her skills or determination, such as her confidence in handling the Windwagon or her desire to prove herself.
  • Add depth to Hurryman's character by including a line that reveals his motivations or fears regarding the race. This could create a more compelling antagonist and heighten the stakes.
  • Consider using a visual cue, such as a shot of the storm clouds gathering over both the Windwagon and the train, to create a more seamless transition between the two settings and emphasize the impending conflict.



Scene 37 -  Buffalo Panic on the Trail
EXT. TRAIL - DAY

Lieutenant, Guard, and Officer are riding down the trail.
Badpiper is gagged on the back of Officer's horse. Officer
nervously eyeballs the sky as a large RUMBLE of thunder is
heard echoing through the hills.

OFFICER
I say, chaps. This looks rather
grievous. Wouldn't you say?

LIEUTENANT
Come now, you Redcoats ain't scared
of a little raindrop are ya?

OFFICER
Certainly not!

Another RUMBLE and he winces while the others laugh.

GUARD
Hey, let's stop here. I gotta drop
anchor somewhere.

LIEUTENANT
Come on!

GUARD
I ain't kiddin'. You know what
that hardtack does to my guts.

LIEUTENANT
Alright, fine. Hold up here!
Officer pulls his horse to a stop.

OFFICER
I say. What's all this?
99.

LIEUTENANT
Somebody's hot to trot. We'll wait
for him here. Hurry up!

GUARD
Yeah...

Guard wanders off as Lieutenant laughs. He walks until he's
just out of view of the others and makes himself
comfortable.

He's just getting started when suddenly he hears something
behind him. He stops a moment and looks around.

GUARD
Quit playin', you --

A giant bison head emerges from the tall grass.

GUARD
Oh sh --

He struggles to pull his pants back up as he stumbles back
toward the pass. He trips on his pants and tumbles to the
ground. Slowly, he raises his head back up only to see
another bison head come up out of the grass even closer.

He screams and heads back down towards where Lieutenant and
Officer are waiting.

GUARD
Buff!

LIEUTENANT
What?

GUARD
Buff!

OFFICER
What?!

GUARD
Buffalo!

Lieutenant fumbles for his pistol. Guard jumps on his horse
and scrambles away. Lieutenant decides he better follow.

LIEUTENANT
YEE HAR!

He kicks his horse and bolts. Officer is confused.

OFFICER
What is the meaning of this?

LIEUTENANT
It means run, Lobsterback!
100.

Officer takes off after Lieutenant and another buffalo head
pops up out of the grass in front of him. His horse rears
up and Badpiper falls off the back of it. Officer forgets
about him and tears off after the others.

Badpiper looks at the bison head. Small Hawk stands up out
of the grass holding it.

BADPIPER
(gives a wink and a nod)
Lads.

Small Hawk's friends pop up out of the grass each holding a
bison head. Small Hawk whistles for the white mustang.
Badpiper works free of his knots and jumps on. They give a
war cry and ride away.
Genres: ["Western","Adventure","Comedy"]

Summary In a chaotic scene, Lieutenant, Guard, and Officer are startled by the sudden appearance of a giant bison head while riding along a trail. The Guard's frantic warning leads to a hasty retreat, with the Lieutenant and Officer fleeing on horseback and leaving the gagged Badpiper behind. However, Badpiper manages to free himself and escapes on a white mustang with Small Hawk and his friends, who also appear with bison heads, amidst the comedic chaos.
Strengths
  • Humorous elements
  • Action-packed sequence
  • Unexpected twist with bison heads
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, entertaining, and well-paced, with a good balance of humor and action. The unexpected twist with the bison heads adds excitement and tension to the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a comedic chase involving bison heads in a Western setting is unique and well-executed. The scene effectively combines humor with action to create an entertaining sequence.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Badpiper escapes from captivity with the help of Small Hawk and his friends. The unexpected appearance of the bison heads adds a new element to the story and sets up future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on historical settings by combining elements of danger, humor, and unexpected twists. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Badpiper and Small Hawk are developed through their actions and interactions in the scene. Badpiper's resourcefulness and Small Hawk's bravery are highlighted.

Character Changes: 5

Badpiper's character undergoes a minor change as he goes from captive to escapee, showcasing his resourcefulness and ability to adapt to unexpected situations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to survive the unexpected encounter with the bison and escape the dangerous situation. This reflects his fear of the unknown and his desire to protect himself and his companions.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to evade the bison and make it to safety. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of facing a dangerous animal and the need to protect himself and his companions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Badpiper and his captors escalates with the appearance of the bison heads, adding a new layer of danger and urgency to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing a dangerous and unpredictable threat in the form of the bison. The audience is left unsure of how the characters will escape the situation.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are raised with the appearance of the bison heads, adding a sense of danger and urgency to Badpiper's escape. The scene sets up future conflicts and challenges for the characters.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by setting up future conflicts and alliances, particularly between Badpiper, Small Hawk, and the military. The escape adds a new dynamic to the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden appearance of the bison and the characters' unexpected reactions. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome of the encounter.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the characters' sense of duty and their survival instincts. The protagonist must balance his loyalty to his comrades with the need to protect himself from the bison.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, including amusement, tension, and excitement. The unexpected twist with the bison heads adds a sense of danger and unpredictability.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal but effective in conveying the characters' personalities and the unfolding events. The humor and tension are conveyed through actions rather than extensive dialogue.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, action, and suspense. The unexpected encounter with the bison keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspense. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The action is easy to follow and visually engaging.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for action sequences, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses humor and absurdity to create a light-hearted moment amidst the tension of the chase. The dialogue between the characters is witty and captures their personalities well, particularly the Officer's nervousness and the Lieutenant's bravado.
  • The physical comedy with the Guard struggling with his pants and the bison heads adds a visual element that enhances the humor. However, the pacing could be improved; the buildup to the bison reveal feels a bit drawn out, which may lessen the impact of the comedic payoff.
  • The character dynamics are clear, with the Lieutenant and Officer displaying a mix of bravado and confusion, while the Guard is portrayed as more cowardly. However, the scene could benefit from more distinct character voices to further differentiate the three men, especially since they are all in a similar military context.
  • The transition from the tension of the chase to the comedic bison encounter is somewhat abrupt. While the humor is welcome, it might feel jarring to the audience if not properly foreshadowed or integrated into the preceding scenes.
  • The ending, where Badpiper escapes with Small Hawk and his friends, is a strong conclusion to the scene, but it could be enhanced by providing a clearer sense of urgency or stakes for Badpiper's escape. As it stands, it feels a bit too easy for him to get away.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the pacing of the scene by reducing the dialogue leading up to the bison reveal. This could help maintain the comedic momentum and keep the audience engaged.
  • Differentiate the characters' voices more distinctly. Give each character a unique way of speaking or specific catchphrases that reflect their personality, which will make them more memorable.
  • Add a moment of foreshadowing for the bison encounter earlier in the scene, perhaps through a line about the wildlife in the area or a brief mention of the dangers of the trail, to create a smoother transition into the comedic chaos.
  • Enhance the stakes for Badpiper's escape by showing a moment of realization or urgency as he sees the chaos unfold, making his escape feel more thrilling and less coincidental.
  • Consider incorporating a brief moment of reflection or reaction from Badpiper as he escapes, which could add depth to his character and provide a humorous commentary on the absurdity of the situation.



Scene 38 -  Full Steam Ahead
INT. TRAIN - DAY

Ticket Man tries waking up Hurryman.

TICKET MAN
Sir!

Hurryman sleeps soundly with his hat over his face. Ticket
Man decides to try again a little louder.

TICKET MAN
SIR!!

Again, he nudges Hurryman and gets nothing out of him.
Ticket Man readies himself to give Hurryman a final nudge
when the train whistle lets out a mighty HOWL! Ticket Man
backs up and rushes to the train window.

He looks outside and sees Lieutenant, Guard, and Officer
waving their arms with no Badpiper. He gasps and walks back
over and kicks the couch. This time it works.

HURRYMAN
What is the matter, son?

TICKET MAN
The Windwagon has made it through
the pass and the prisoner has
escaped!

HURRYMAN
What?

Hurryman rises to his feet and bolts toward the window. He
pushes Ticket Man out of the way and looks for himself.
Lieutenant points and gives a rolling motion and Hurryman
faces Ticket Man.
HURRYMAN
Full...
101.

TICKET MAN
Sir?

HURRYMAN
Full Steam!

TICKET MAN
We already have --

HURRYMAN
Full steam! Now!

TICKET MAN
Sir, we intended to full steam on
the flat before the fort so we
could --

HURRYMAN
Full! Now!

TICKET MAN
Yes, sir.

Ticket Man sticks back out the window and gives a signal to
Driver. Driver is unsure but begins adding fuel to the
fire. Again we get another train whistle HOWL!

EXT. TRAIL - DAY

The crew is guiding the Windwagon as they hear the whistle.

JOHN HENRY
Sounds like they making up some
ground.

SIMETH
Keep steady. You know this is one
of our best runs.

JOHN HENRY
Maybe if we head NORTH we can come
back down at them before they get
to that straightaway.

SIMETH
And loose what we have gained?
Don't be a fool.

JOHN HENRY
I just know that last time...

SIMETH
Last time? Well this is not last
time. This is THIS time and now we
have the wind at our backs and we
are going to win! Is that
understood?
102.

JOHN HENRY
Understood?

SIMETH
Yes. This is my ship. So you are
to obey my command. Do it now!

John Henry balls up his fists as he grabs to the ropes. He
grits his teeth. He is just about to release them.

MILLY
Fool!

Simeth holds back a minute and looks at Milly.

SIMETH
What?

MILLY
You are a FOOL.

SIMETH
This is not your problem.

MILLY
When the Admiral is lost, it is my
problem!

SIMETH
Lost? I have been down this trail
a hundred times while you were sat
in your bedroom.

JOHN HENRY
Smith.

SIMETH
No! It is time that this crew
understood bravery. Don't you know
anything about glory?

MILLY
You mean like the glory of LONG
LOST ATLANTIS?

Milly goes back to Badpiper's case and sits. Simeth is
temporarily distracted, but turns back towards the trail.

SIMETH
Stop it. You don't even know.

MILLY
I read it. All of it. I know how
Atlantis was doomed.
SIMETH
Oh really? How?
103.

MILLY
Pride.

Simeth is starting to say something when a giant lightning
bolt shatters a tree ahead of the Windwagon. He looks back
at Milly. Then he looks at John Henry.

SIMETH
We'll go North. Towards the HIGH
GROUND.
Genres: ["Western","Adventure","Drama"]

Summary In a tense train scene, the Ticket Man urgently wakes Hurryman to inform him of an escaped prisoner. Hurryman demands immediate action, insisting the train go 'full steam' despite the Ticket Man's concerns. Outside, John Henry and Simeth clash over their strategy to catch the Windwagon, with Milly warning against pride. A nearby lightning strike prompts the crew to change their course north towards higher ground, highlighting the urgency of their mission.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • High-stakes race
  • Character depth and growth
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly confrontational

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, dramatic, and filled with tension, effectively capturing the high-stakes nature of the race and the characters' conflicting motivations.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a race between a unique Windwagon and a traditional train adds excitement and intrigue to the scene, setting up a thrilling competition.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the race and the characters' decisions and conflicts leading up to it, driving the narrative forward with tension and anticipation.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements like the Windwagon, the prisoner escape, and the philosophical conflict between characters. The dialogue feels authentic and drives the plot forward.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters display defiance, determination, and conflicting motivations, adding depth and complexity to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters show growth and change in their interactions and decisions, particularly in their defiance and determination.

Internal Goal: 8

Hurryman's internal goal is to maintain control and prevent chaos in the face of the prisoner escape and the urgent situation unfolding.

External Goal: 7

Hurryman's external goal is to catch the escaped prisoner and prevent further trouble.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between characters, the race itself, and the high stakes involved contribute to a high level of tension and drama in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals, tensions between characters, and unpredictable events driving the conflict forward.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the race, the characters' personal motivations, and the potential impact on the Kaw lands raise the tension and importance of the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward significantly by setting up the race, revealing character motivations, and escalating the conflict.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected prisoner escape, the philosophical conflict between characters, and the shifting dynamics of the crew.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around bravery, glory, and the consequences of pride. Simeth's desire for glory clashes with Milly's caution and knowledge of history.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of tension, determination, and defiance, engaging the audience in the characters' struggles and motivations.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and confrontational, reflecting the characters' emotions and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and intense character conflicts that keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a sense of urgency, tension, and momentum that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with escalating tension, character interactions, and a sense of urgency that drives the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by showcasing Hurryman's urgency and the stakes of the race against the Windwagon. However, the dialogue can feel a bit repetitive, particularly Hurryman's insistence on 'full steam.' This could be streamlined to maintain the urgency without losing the audience's interest.
  • The character dynamics between Simeth, John Henry, and Milly are engaging, but Simeth's authoritative tone can come off as overly aggressive, which may alienate the audience from his character. This could be balanced with moments of vulnerability or self-doubt to make him more relatable.
  • Milly's role as the voice of reason is a strong element, but her dialogue could be more impactful. Instead of just calling Simeth a fool, she could provide a more compelling argument that highlights the consequences of pride, perhaps referencing a specific event from Atlantis that resonates with the current situation.
  • The transition from the train scene to the Windwagon crew feels abrupt. A brief moment of reflection or a shared concern among the crew about the impending storm could enhance the emotional stakes and create a smoother flow between the two settings.
  • The lightning bolt serves as a dramatic plot device, but it could be foreshadowed earlier in the scene to heighten the tension. Perhaps the characters could notice the darkening sky or hear distant thunder before the bolt strikes, making the moment feel more earned.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the dialogue, especially Hurryman's lines, to avoid redundancy and keep the pace brisk.
  • Add a moment of vulnerability for Simeth to balance his authoritative demeanor, making him more relatable to the audience.
  • Enhance Milly's dialogue to provide a stronger argument against Simeth's pride, possibly referencing specific lore from Atlantis.
  • Include a brief moment of reflection among the Windwagon crew about the storm to create a smoother transition from the train scene.
  • Foreshadow the lightning bolt earlier in the scene to build tension, perhaps through environmental cues like darkening skies or distant thunder.



Scene 39 -  Racing Against the Elements
INT. TRAIN - DAY

Hurryman stands at the window, desperate to see if the train
is making progress. He is losing his cool.

HURRYMAN
Come on now! We made it better
than this through Fox Hollow. This
is unacceptable.

TICKET MAN
Sir, I can assure you the man at
the engine is pouring on as much as
this train will safely allow.

HURRYMAN
Safely allow?

TICKET MAN
That's right.

HURRYMAN
There is too much here on the line.
None of that nonsense. We will
accept nothing short of victory!
Hurryman stares a minute at Ticket Man, who offers no
response. He pushes him out of the way.

HURRYMAN
I'll show you some progress!

Hurryman gets to the window and gives a two thumbs up
signal. Driver sees the signal and shakes his head and
pours on more heat.

EXT. TRAIL - DAY

The rain begins to pour as the Windwagon whips up and down
the hills toward the high ground. The locomotive's light
shines the way as the train begins to hit the straightaway.
John Henry sees that it is pulling ahead of the Windwagon.
JOHN HENRY
Yep, she sure is fast.

The wind begins to pick up. Simeth braces against it and
holds tightly to the wheel. Milly looks back at John Henry
104.

then hangs her head.

SIMETH
Fast on that flat ground.

Simeth smiles as the wind and rain pound down on his face.
He holds his hat the same way he did when the storms came to
his island. It seems like a lifetime ago.

SIMETH
Ground...

JOHN HENRY
Huh?

SIMETH
That is all they have got.

JOHN HENRY
What you mean?

SIMETH
They can have that ground and then
some.

JOHN HENRY
Smith. They got us, man. We got
to give it up.

SIMETH
Not this time. This time we have
an answer for them.

The rain and wind picks up to the point that the men can
barely hear each other speaking.

SIMETH
The answer -- is blowing in the
wind!

John Henry steadies himself and holds tightly to the ropes
as Simeth points to a large hill up ahead. The crowd at the
finish line begins to stir as the competitors close in.

JOHN HENRY
You're crazy.

SIMETH
They are the best on the ground are
they not?

JOHN HENRY
Yep.
Simeth turns to Milly.

MILLY
Yep. The best.
105.

SIMETH
Then we beat them where they cannot
go.

JOHN HENRY
What do you mean?

Simeth smiles and points to an even higher part of the hills
ahead. John Henry looks at Milly and begins to readjust the
ropes as they head up a steep incline towards a large rock
break.
Genres: ["Western","Action","Adventure"]

Summary In a tense scene aboard a train, Hurryman confronts the Ticket Man about the slow speed, demanding faster progress. Outside, John Henry and Simeth strategize against the Windwagon, considering the challenges of weather and terrain. Simeth proposes a plan to gain an advantage by heading to higher ground, while Milly expresses concern for their chances. The scene culminates with John Henry and Simeth preparing to ascend a steep incline, determined to face the competition.
Strengths
  • Innovative concept of a race between a Windwagon and a train
  • Engaging dialogue and character interactions
  • High stakes and tension
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Potential for deeper emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, with a mix of excitement, determination, and playful banter. The high stakes and innovative race concept contribute to a compelling narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a race between a Windwagon and a train, using wind as a competitive advantage, is unique and adds a thrilling element to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, focusing on the race and the characters' determination to succeed despite challenges. The conflict and stakes are effectively portrayed.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique blend of competition, technological advancement, and natural elements, creating an original and engaging setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's authenticity.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show determination, bravery, and playful banter, adding depth to the scene. However, further development of their personalities could enhance the overall impact.

Character Changes: 6

While there are hints of character growth, particularly in Simeth's determination and leadership, more significant changes could enhance the scene's impact.

Internal Goal: 8

Hurryman's internal goal is to achieve victory and progress, reflecting his need for success and possibly his fear of failure.

External Goal: 7

Hurryman's external goal is to push the train to go faster and beat the competition, reflecting the immediate challenge of winning the race.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the Windwagon and the train, as well as the internal conflicts of the characters, creates tension and drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Hurryman's relentless pursuit of victory conflicting with the Ticket Man's concern for safety. The audience is left unsure of the outcome, adding to the tension.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the race, the characters' personal goals, and the potential impact on the Kaw lands create a sense of urgency and importance.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by setting up the race, introducing conflicts, and showcasing the characters' motivations and strategies.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting goals and the uncertain outcome of the race. The unexpected twists and turns keep the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene seems to be between Hurryman's relentless pursuit of victory and the Ticket Man's concern for safety. This challenges Hurryman's values of success at all costs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of excitement, determination, and hope, but could benefit from further emotional depth to enhance the impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging, with a mix of playful banter, determination, and strategic planning. It effectively conveys the characters' personalities and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, high stakes, and competitive atmosphere. The characters' goals and conflicts keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and momentum, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' goals and conflicts.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with dialogue-driven interactions and a focus on the characters' goals and conflicts. It effectively builds tension and sets up the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension as Hurryman's impatience contrasts with the calm determination of Simeth and his crew. This juxtaposition highlights the stakes of the race and the urgency of their situation, which is a strong narrative choice.
  • Hurryman's character is well-defined through his dialogue and actions, showcasing his desperation and determination for victory. However, his motivations could be further explored to deepen the audience's understanding of why this race is so critical to him.
  • Simeth's dialogue about the wind and the hills introduces a metaphorical layer to the scene, suggesting a deeper understanding of the challenges they face. However, the transition from Hurryman's frantic energy to Simeth's calm confidence could be smoother to maintain narrative flow.
  • The dialogue between Simeth, John Henry, and Milly is engaging, but it could benefit from more distinct character voices. Each character should have a unique way of speaking that reflects their personality, which would enhance their individuality and make the interactions more dynamic.
  • The visual descriptions are effective in conveying the setting and the escalating weather conditions, but they could be more vivid. Adding sensory details about the rain, wind, and the physical sensations experienced by the characters would immerse the audience further into the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven at times. Hurryman's frantic energy contrasts sharply with the more measured pace of Simeth and his crew. While this contrast is interesting, it may benefit from a more gradual build-up to the tension, allowing the audience to feel the stakes more acutely.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection for Hurryman that reveals his backstory or motivations for wanting to win the race. This could create a more empathetic connection with the audience.
  • Enhance the dialogue by giving each character a distinct voice. For example, Hurryman could use more commanding language, while Simeth might speak in a more philosophical or poetic manner.
  • Smooth the transition between Hurryman's frantic energy and Simeth's calm demeanor by incorporating a moment where Simeth acknowledges Hurryman's concerns before presenting his own strategy.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to describe the weather and the environment, such as the smell of rain, the sound of thunder, or the feeling of wind against the characters' skin, to create a more immersive experience.
  • Adjust the pacing by interspersing moments of tension with brief pauses for character reflection or interaction, allowing the audience to absorb the stakes and emotions of the scene more fully.



Scene 40 -  Storm and Confrontation
INT. TRAIN - DAY

Hurryman eagerly looks out his window as it appears that the
Windwagon has gone off track. He knows that victory is
within his grasp.

HURRYMAN
Just as I suspected. The WIND
JALOPY is no match for our FIRE and
STEEL. That was clear from the
start, and even more so now.

Hurryman notices Ticket Man siting on the couch with a
dejected look upon his face.

HURRYMAN
Come on now, man. Wouldn't you
agree? Victory never tasted so
sweet.

The train whistle HOWLS loudly and Hurryman rushes to the
window. He sees Driver pointing ahead and waving his arm
back and forth wildly. Hurryman motions Ticket Man to
approach the window.
HURRYMAN
What is that? What is that man
doing?

TICKET MAN
It's a washout, sir.

HURRYMAN
Washout? What is that? I demand
to know. Tell me!

TICKET MAN
A washout means we should steer
clear. The storm up ahead has made
the track dangerous to continue. I
think there is a twister
approaching.
HURRYMAN
Twister? Impossible! Not when we
have the finish in our sights!
106.

TICKET MAN
What is up ahead may put the lives
of all of us in grave danger.

HURRYMAN
Just you will be the one in danger!
Now go! GO!

Ticket Man sticks his head out the window against the wind
and rain. He reluctantly orders Driver forward.

EXT. TRAIL - DAY

The Windwagon tears up the hill as the wheels rattle. John
Henry holds tightly to the ropes as Simeth does everything
he can do to keep it together.

SIMETH
Hold it! Full sail! We head hard
and fast northward with full keel!

JOHN HENRY
Full what?

Simeth looks back at Milly who wonders what he is thinking.
She fixes her gaze ahead to the horizon. She rises to her
feet and walks toward the bow of the ship.

SIMETH
Milly!

She focuses a moment and we see a look of terror cross her
face. She turns back toward Simeth who is too occupied with
driving the Windwagon to notice.

Slowly, she walks towards the back of the wagon as the wind
picks up. Simeth watches her as she goes and sits on top of
the Badpiper case. John Henry looks at her.

JOHN HENRY
What is it? What did you see?

MILLY
It's out there.

SIMETH
What's out there?

MILLY
Tornado.

JOHN HENRY
What? Hey now Smith this ain't
funny. We got to turn back!
Simeth looks to the horizon and sees the tornado with his
own eyes. Simeth GRITS his teeth and GRIPS the wheel as
they press on.
107.

INT. TRAIN - DAY

The train is near to victory at the front gates of Fort
Leavenworth. Hurryman could not be more pleased despite the
weather. The businessmen have all gathered around Hurryman
for a celebration.

HURRYMAN
Gentlemen, we knew this little joy
ride would be merely a distraction.
Soon we shall be in Oregon and rich
beyond all measure.

Hurryman laughs and wants everyone else to do so but Ticket
Man is not so happy. Hurryman is becoming agitated.

HURRYMAN
Come on, man. You spoil the party.
Cheers!

Hurryman raises a toast to all the other men in the car and
waits for Ticket Man to join.

HURRYMAN
To the winds of change!

TICKET MAN
Change?

Hurryman looks around to the other men and begins laughing.

HURRYMAN
That's right.

TICKET MAN
Sometimes the winds don't change
the way you want them to.
HURRYMAN
Is that so? Well, then we shall
order them to do what they are
told!

Hurryman motions to the other men to laugh. A thunder cloud
RUMBLES. Hurryman looks at the men. He's nervous.

EXT. TRAIL - DAY

It is pouring as the Windwagon continues up the hill.
Simeth grips the wheel and they head up towards the highest
cliff face.

Small Hawk is sitting on the mustang with Badpiper, next to
the big tree. Simeth sees them and picks up a flag and
waves it. Small Hawk takes off towards the Windwagon.

JOHN HENRY
What you doin'?
108.

Simeth ignores him.

JOHN HENRY
You're gonna try jumping again
ain't you! I ain't doing this,
Smith. You hear me?

Simeth points to Badpiper's case in the back of the
Windwagon.

SIMETH
Open it, John.

John Henry is confused. He walks back and kicks open the
case. Inside is a BUFFALO HIDE BACKPACK.

SIMETH
Put it on.

John Henry reluctantly wraps it around his shoulders.

SIMETH
When we're clear, pull the strap.

A tear rolls down John Henry's cheek. He goes and gives
Milly a big hug. Simeth looks at her.

SIMETH
There are two.

MILLY
I won't need it.

Simeth acknowledges.

SIMETH
We'll make it.
BANG! of a gunshot and the splinter of wood as a bullet
tears through the mast. Lieutenant and Guard have arrived
on horseback, determined to stop the Windwagon once and for
all.

Badpiper and Small Hawk are riding right alongside. They
switch places on the mustang and Small Hawk pulls out his
bow and arrow. He turns all the way around and slides down,
hanging completely off the white mustang's side.

Lieutenant fires again, barely missing Badpiper's ear.
Small Hawk closes one eye and fires an arrow. We see it
land deeply in Lieutenant's chest as he falls from the
saddle.

Guard has managed to come up to the other side of the
Windwagon and jumps onboard. John Henry leaves his position
and wrestles with him as the Windwagon veers off course.

Guard pulls a dagger from his belt but John Henry blocks it
and punches him clear over the side of the deck, sending him
109.

tumbling head over heels into the mud.

Simeth boldly kicks a metal lever on the floor of the
Windwagon and a panel springs open. Into the air flies a
horseshoe with a rope tied around it.

He gives Milly a nod. She grabs the horseshoe and looks at
Small Hawk and Badpiper who are desperately trying to keep
up with the Windwagon. Small Hawk raises his arm.

SIMETH
(to Milly)
You can do it.

Milly turns to Small Hawk and raises the horseshoe.

SIMETH
NOW!

She winds up and releases it. The crew watches as it
tumbles through the air. Everything goes silent.

MUSIC CUE: "Thunderstruck" (by AC/DC played on bagpipes)

The horseshoe grazes the tips of Small Hawk's fingers. He
somehow pulls it in and Badpiper steers the white mustang
away from the Windwagon.

The slack goes out of the rope and it trips a mechanism
inside the ship. The wood panels blast off of each side and
two enormous metal arms spring outward.

The metal arms extend into giant wings that have been tarred
and covered with feathers. A tail fin pops out of the back
and it flutters back and forth in the wind.

John Henry scratches his head as he looks at the wings. He
pulls Badpiper's pipes out of the case and starts pumping
them into the sails. Simeth sets a direct course for the
twister on the horizon. The cliff face is approaching.

Just as the Windwagon reaches the edge of the cliff a giant
lightning bolt CRASHES to the ground next to it. The wheels
float over the edge of the cliff -- and that is it.
AIRBORNE.

Simeth turns to John Henry. They embrace before John Henry
jumps out of the Windwagon and pulls his parachute. The
Windwagon continues to soar through the air like a giant
eagle.
Genres: ["Action","Adventure","Western"]

Summary Hurryman, aboard a train, is overly confident about victory despite Ticket Man's warnings of an approaching storm and washout. Meanwhile, the Windwagon crew, led by Simeth, prepares to face a tornado, with Milly sensing the danger. As they execute a daring maneuver, they are attacked by a Lieutenant and Guard, leading to a fierce confrontation. Simeth activates a mechanism that transforms the Windwagon, allowing it to take flight just as a lightning bolt strikes nearby, marking a dramatic escape from danger.
Strengths
  • High-stakes action
  • Innovative concept
  • Tension-filled pacing
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with action, tension, and a sense of danger. The transformation of the Windwagon into a flying machine adds a unique and exciting element to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a steam-powered wagon turning into a flying machine to escape pursuers and a tornado is innovative and captivating. It adds a fantastical element to the Old West setting.

Plot: 8

The plot is fast-paced and filled with high stakes as the characters race against time and nature. The conflict between the Windwagon crew and their pursuers adds intensity to the scene.

Originality: 9

The scene features a unique blend of historical and futuristic elements, along with unexpected plot twists like the use of a Windwagon and a tornado. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show determination, bravery, and quick thinking in the face of danger. Their actions drive the plot forward and add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo a transformation as they adapt to the changing circumstances and work together to overcome obstacles. Their actions show growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Hurryman's internal goal is to achieve victory and wealth, reflecting his desire for success and power.

External Goal: 9

Hurryman's external goal is to reach Fort Leavenworth and secure his victory, despite the obstacles in his way.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the Windwagon crew and their pursuers, as well as the impending tornado, creates a high level of tension and danger in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing physical and emotional challenges that add complexity and tension to the story.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters race against time, nature, and their pursuers. The outcome of the race and the survival of the crew are crucial to the plot.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward with a dramatic turn of events and a significant development in the characters' journey. It sets the stage for future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to unexpected plot twists, character decisions, and the introduction of new challenges like the tornado.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the characters' differing beliefs about risk-taking and the pursuit of success. Hurryman is willing to take dangerous risks for his goals, while others are more cautious.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a mix of emotions, including excitement, fear, and hope as the characters face perilous situations and make daring decisions.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal but effective in conveying urgency and determination. It serves the action and tension of the scene well.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense action, and dramatic dialogue, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspense that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-paced action and dialogue, building tension and excitement effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by contrasting Hurryman's overconfidence with the impending danger of the tornado. However, Hurryman's character could benefit from more depth; his dismissive attitude towards the Ticket Man's warnings feels one-dimensional. Adding a moment of doubt or a flash of concern could make him more relatable and heighten the stakes.
  • The dialogue is engaging, particularly the banter between Hurryman and Ticket Man, but it could be tightened. Some lines feel repetitive, such as Hurryman's insistence on victory. Streamlining these exchanges would enhance the pacing and maintain the urgency of the scene.
  • The transition between the train and the Windwagon is well-executed, but the visual descriptions could be more vivid. For instance, describing the storm's effects on the environment or the characters' physical reactions to the wind and rain would create a more immersive experience.
  • Milly's character is portrayed as strong and perceptive, but her transition from playful banter to fear could be more gradual. A moment of hesitation or a brief internal conflict could enhance her emotional arc and make her reaction to the tornado more impactful.
  • The action sequences are dynamic, particularly the confrontation with the Lieutenant and Guard. However, the mechanics of the Windwagon's transformation could be clearer. Providing a brief explanation of how the mechanism works or its significance would help the audience understand the stakes involved in this moment.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of vulnerability for Hurryman to create a more complex antagonist. This could involve a brief flashback or a moment of hesitation that reveals his motivations.
  • Tighten the dialogue by removing repetitive phrases and focusing on impactful lines that drive the narrative forward. This will help maintain the scene's urgency.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions of the storm and its effects on the characters and environment to create a more immersive atmosphere.
  • Develop Milly's emotional transition more gradually, allowing her fear to build as the situation escalates. This will make her reaction to the tornado feel more authentic.
  • Clarify the mechanics of the Windwagon's transformation by incorporating a brief explanation or visual cue that highlights its significance, ensuring the audience understands the stakes of the moment.



Scene 41 -  The Unexpected Victory
INT. TRAIN - DAY

Ticket Man stares out the window as Hurryman raises another
glass. He has gotten over his doubts.

HURRYMAN
To victory, gentlemen!
110.

TICKET MAN
Sir.

HURRYMAN
And to the noble pursuit of
progress.

TICKET MAN
Sir!

HURRYMAN
What is it?

TICKET MAN
You might want to take a look at
this.

HURRYMAN
Can't you see? I'm in the middle
of --

TICKET MAN
Take a look.

Hurryman rushes to the window and looks out long enough to
see the flying Windwagon passing the train to the finish
line.

HURRYMAN
Just what in the devil is that
supposed to be? Huh? Answer me!

TICKET MAN
Progress...

Hurryman rips his hat off and tosses it to the ground.
EXT. FORT - DAY

A large crowd has gathered at the finish line to see the end
of the race. Nobody can make out what is happening in the
torrential downpour. A young boy hollers and points to the
sky.

The crowd erupts as Simeth fights the controls to keep the
Windwagon in the sky. John Henry has floated safely to the
ground. Small Hawk and Badpiper are watching from the hill.

A huge cloud of smoke pours from the train as they try
everything they've got. Hurryman and Ticket Man can do
nothing but stare in disbelief out the window.

The cheering crowd sees that Simeth is losing control. They
scatter. Simeth grips the controls with every once of
strength he's got. The Windwagon plows through the banner
strung high across the finish line. IT HAS WON.

The crowd goes wild. Simeth's friends all join in the
celebration. Hurryman stomps up and down on his hat.
111.

The Windwagon stays in the air on a direct course for the
tornado. Clark pulls out some binoculars to get a better
view. The Windwagon climbs higher and higher into the sky
until it disappears behind the clouds with a blue flash.

Clark lowers his binoculars.

CUT TO:

The storm has passed. Clark, John Henry, Badpiper and Small
Hawk stand together at the finish line. The crumpled banner
lies at their feet.

CLARK
Nothing. Not even so much as a
splinter.

JOHN HENRY
Your boys looked everywhere?

CLARK
Sure did. Only thing is the grass
here. Nobody knows how it got this
way.

Small Hawk walks over to the grass and runs his hand along
the blades. He feels it dance on his skin. He looks back.

Badpiper snatches the binoculars from Clark's hand and runs.

CLARK
Now see here...

John Henry grabs Clark's arm and they watch Badpiper
scramble up to the gate.

Badpiper pushes his way past some army men and begins to
climb the gate tower. He reaches the top and shoves aside a
disinterested guard. He points the binoculars towards the
grass.

A pattern has been formed in the tall grass of circles and a
pyramid with a trident down the center of it.

Badpiper lowers the binoculars and smiles.
Genres: ["Western","Adventure","Action"]

Summary Hurryman, filled with confidence, raises a glass to celebrate his anticipated victory, but is quickly disheartened when Ticket Man points out the Windwagon racing past them. Despite Simeth's struggle to control the Windwagon in a storm, it crosses the finish line first, igniting a wave of celebration from the crowd. Hurryman, frustrated by this turn of events, stomps on his hat in disbelief. After the storm, Clark, John Henry, Badpiper, and Small Hawk investigate the aftermath, discovering a mysterious pattern in the grass that Badpiper highlights, suggesting something significant has occurred.
Strengths
  • Exciting race sequence
  • Surprising victory for the Windwagon
  • Effective resolution of conflict
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, excitement, and unexpected twists. It effectively resolves the conflict set up earlier in the screenplay and delivers a satisfying conclusion.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a race between a futuristic flying Windwagon and a traditional train in a Western setting is unique and captivating. The scene effectively combines elements of adventure, action, and mystery.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the high-stakes race and the characters' determination to win. It moves the story forward significantly and resolves the conflict between the Windwagon crew and the train officials.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique concept of a flying Windwagon and combines elements of competition, progress, and tradition in a fresh and engaging way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show determination, teamwork, and resilience throughout the scene. Their interactions and actions drive the plot forward and contribute to the overall excitement.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters' determination and teamwork are reinforced, showcasing their growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove himself and achieve victory. This reflects his desire for recognition, success, and validation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to win the race and beat the flying Windwagon. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing and the competitive nature of the event.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the Windwagon crew and the train officials creates tension and drives the race forward. The high-stakes competition adds intensity to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges and obstacles that create conflict and drive the narrative forward. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome of the race.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the race, the impending storm, and the competition between the Windwagon and the train create a sense of urgency and excitement, raising the tension in the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by resolving the conflict between the Windwagon crew and the train officials. It sets the stage for the next phase of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, such as the flying Windwagon passing the train and the outcome of the race. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the events will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the pursuit of progress and traditional values. Hurryman represents progress and innovation, while Ticket Man represents tradition and caution. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the importance of progress and tradition.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of excitement, tension, and triumph as the Windwagon wins the race against all odds. The characters' resilience and teamwork resonate with the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is focused on conveying urgency, determination, and excitement. It effectively communicates the characters' emotions and motivations during the race.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, dramatic tension, and dynamic characters. The race and competition create a sense of excitement and anticipation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, leading to a satisfying climax. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the climax of the race, showcasing the contrast between Hurryman's arrogance and Simeth's determination. However, the dialogue could be more dynamic to reflect the heightened stakes of the moment. Hurryman's lines feel somewhat repetitive and could benefit from more emotional weight or urgency.
  • The transition from the train to the finish line is visually engaging, but the description of the crowd's reaction could be expanded. Instead of simply stating that the crowd erupts, consider incorporating specific reactions or dialogue from the crowd to enhance the atmosphere and make the victory feel more impactful.
  • Simeth's struggle to control the Windwagon is a crucial moment, yet it lacks a sense of immediacy. Adding internal thoughts or sensory details could help convey his desperation and the physicality of the situation, making the audience feel more connected to his experience.
  • The ending introduces an intriguing visual with the pattern in the grass, but it feels somewhat abrupt. A clearer connection between this moment and the overall narrative could enhance its significance. Consider foreshadowing this pattern earlier in the script to create a more cohesive payoff.
  • The character dynamics, particularly between Hurryman and Ticket Man, could be explored further. Hurryman's frustration is evident, but the Ticket Man's reactions could be more pronounced to highlight the tension between their differing perspectives on progress and success.
Suggestions
  • Revise Hurryman's dialogue to include more varied emotional responses, perhaps incorporating frustration or disbelief that reflects the gravity of the situation.
  • Enhance the crowd's reactions by adding specific lines or actions that illustrate their excitement and disbelief, making the victory feel more communal and celebratory.
  • Include more sensory details during Simeth's struggle with the Windwagon, such as the sounds of the storm, the feel of the controls, or his physical exertion, to heighten the tension.
  • Consider foreshadowing the grass pattern earlier in the script, perhaps through a brief mention of unusual occurrences or symbols, to create a stronger narrative link to this moment.
  • Deepen the interaction between Hurryman and Ticket Man by giving Ticket Man a more pronounced reaction to Hurryman's arrogance, perhaps through sarcasm or a moment of clarity that contrasts Hurryman's blind confidence.



Scene 42 -  The Storm and the Admiral's Tale
EXT. BEACH - DAY

We have returned to the kite-flying brothers and the old man
on the beach. Old Man rolls down his arm sleeve after
having shown the boys his tattoo matching the symbol.

OLD MAN
And so endeth the tale of the
Admiral of the Grand Prairie.

BIG BROTHER
But where did he go?
112.

LITTLE BROTHER
Yes! Where did he go?

OLD MAN
Oh, some swear they've seen him.
Still sailing over the hills all
the way past the Rockies. Others
say he married Milly and went with
the tribe down the Amazon in search
of ancient secrets.

LITTLE BROTHER
What do you think?

OLD MAN
Well, lads, there's one thing I
believe I know for sure after all
me travels and all me years.

The boys wait with baited breath.

OLD MAN
There's no place like --

MOTHER
Orville! Wilbur! You boys come
along now. There's a storm coming
and I'll not have you doddle.

LITTLE BROTHER
Aww mother...

MOTHER
Now!

BIG BROTHER
We have to go.
OLD MAN
Aye.

Old Man waves and she frowns and looks away. A quick burst
of wind blows in from the storm and lofts the brothers'
kite.

MUSIC CUE: "Sloop John B" (Beach Boys)

OLD MAN
Well boys, speak 'o the devil.
Looks like the Admiral had a wee
surprise for us today, after all.
Wherever it is he may be...

Old Man laughs and waves at the boys. We pan up to see the
dark clouds billowing. Might just be another twister.

FADE OUT:

THE END
Genres: ["Adventure","Western","Fantasy"]

Summary On a beach, an old man captivates two brothers with the story of the Admiral of the Grand Prairie, sparking their curiosity about his fate. As the old man suggests various possibilities, their mother interrupts, urging them to leave due to an approaching storm. The boys reluctantly comply, acknowledging their mother's concern. As they depart, the kite they were flying is lifted by the wind, hinting at the Admiral's mysterious presence, while the old man waves goodbye, blending nostalgia with a sense of impending danger.
Strengths
  • Captivating storytelling
  • Mysterious atmosphere
  • Emotional resonance
Weaknesses
  • Minimal conflict
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, with a mix of mystery, nostalgia, and hope. The storytelling is captivating, and the hint of magical realism adds depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an old man narrating a legend to young boys on the beach, combined with the mysterious disappearance of the Admiral, is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the legend of the Admiral and his mysterious fate, which adds depth to the overall story. The scene serves as a reflective and nostalgic conclusion to the screenplay.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to the mentorship dynamic between the old man and the boys, with a focus on storytelling and the power of imagination. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of the old man and the kite-flying brothers are well-defined and add a sense of wonder and curiosity to the scene.

Character Changes: 4

There is minimal character change in the scene, as it serves more as a conclusion to the story.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to impart wisdom and leave a lasting impression on the young boys. This reflects his desire to share his experiences and knowledge with the next generation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to entertain and engage the boys with his storytelling. This reflects the immediate circumstances of their interaction on the beach.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 2

There is minimal conflict in the scene, as it focuses more on storytelling and reflection.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and challenge the characters' beliefs and desires, keeping the audience engaged and uncertain about the outcome.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are low in the scene, as it focuses more on resolution and reflection.

Story Forward: 5

The scene provides closure and reflection, rather than pushing the story forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist with the kite flying away and the hint of a possible twister approaching, leaving the audience curious about what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the contrast between the old man's belief in the power of storytelling and the boys' desire for adventure and excitement. This challenges the protagonist's values of wisdom and tradition against the boys' curiosity and impatience.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of nostalgia and wonder, leaving the audience with a bittersweet feeling.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is simple but effective, conveying the sense of mystery and nostalgia present in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic between the characters, the sense of mystery and adventure, and the impending storm that adds tension and excitement.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense as the old man tells his tale and the storm approaches, leading to a satisfying conclusion.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively ties together the narrative by returning to the kite-flying brothers and the old man, creating a sense of closure. However, the transition from the previous scene to this one feels abrupt. The connection between the mysterious pattern in the grass and the old man's story could be more explicitly drawn to enhance continuity.
  • The dialogue between the old man and the brothers is charming and captures a sense of wonder, but it lacks emotional depth. The brothers' curiosity about the Admiral's fate could be expanded to reflect their personal stakes or dreams, making their questions feel more significant.
  • The old man's final line, 'There's no place like --', is a classic setup for a punchline, but it is interrupted by the mother. This could feel jarring to some viewers, as it undermines the moment's potential poignancy. The interruption could be rephrased to maintain the emotional weight of the old man's statement.
  • The introduction of the storm adds a layer of tension, but it feels somewhat disconnected from the previous scenes. The storm's significance could be emphasized more, perhaps by linking it to the Admiral's journey or the brothers' own adventures, creating a thematic resonance.
  • The use of music at the end is a nice touch, but the choice of 'Sloop John B' may not align perfectly with the tone of the scene. A more reflective or whimsical piece might better capture the bittersweet nature of the old man's tale and the boys' curiosity.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment where the brothers reflect on their own dreams or aspirations in relation to the Admiral's story, deepening their emotional investment in the tale.
  • Enhance the transition from the previous scene by incorporating a visual or thematic link between the pattern in the grass and the old man's story, perhaps through a line of dialogue or a visual motif.
  • Rework the mother's interruption to allow the old man to finish his thought, or provide a more seamless transition that maintains the emotional weight of the moment.
  • Explore the storm's significance further, perhaps by having the old man relate it to the unpredictability of adventure or the unknown paths of life, tying it back to the themes of the story.
  • Consider selecting a different piece of music that aligns more closely with the emotional tone of the scene, enhancing the overall impact of the conclusion.