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Scene 1 -  A Mother's Call
EXT. TOWN OF SCOTTSVILLE - DAY

A small town where nothing newsworthy ever happens.
Statuesque trees line quiet streets with a mix of brick, or
aluminum-clad houses.

In a small park, a handful of mothers watch their young
children play on the swings or the jungle gym. An occasional
car weaves slowly past boys riding their bicycles on the
street.

A fence encloses a backyard with a sandbox and a swing set.
Hanging from the back porch, a faded red leather punching bag
sways in the slight breeze.


EXT. JENNY KINGSLEY’S HOUSE - DAY

A fifties two-story house, a bit faded but the abundance of
flower pots and a freshly painted white picket fence make it
almost cheerful.


INT. JENNY’S KITCHEN - DAY

Appliances and linoleum from the seventies brightened with
recently painted cupboards and new floral wallpaper.

JENNY KINGSLEY, (24), no make-up, dirty blonde hair pulled
back in a tight ponytail; a timid mouse who might blow over
in a windstorm, rummages through the cupboards pulling out
bread and peanut butter.

CLAYTON KINGSLEY, (5) blonde, dressed in shorts and a puppy
dog T-shirt, sits at the kitchen table coloring. He is robust
and outgoing, sharing none of his mother’s lack of
confidence.

CLAYTON
I want to go out.

JENNY
Lunch first.

PHONE RINGS. Jenny crosses to a wall phone with a long coiled
cord, lifts the receiver.

JENNY (CONT’D)
Hi, Mom.
2.


Her shoulders droop, her smile fades, her fingers clench the
receiver.

CLAYTON
I wanna play outside.

Putting her hand over the phone, Jenny sighs and plants a
kiss on his head.

JENNY
Don't get dirty. Lunch is almost
ready. Then, we're going to your
new school.

The screen door SLAMS behind him. Jenny takes a deep breath
before speaking into the phone.

JENNY (CONT’D)
How are you?

Jenny perches on the edge of a kitchen chair.

JENNY (CONT’D)
Sorry to hear that. Yes, I know
you’re not well.

Jenny, the receiver to her ear, stretches the long cord to
its limit as she crosses to the sink and looks out the window
overlooking the backyard.

Through the window, we see Clayton playing in the sandbox.

Securing the receiver between her shoulder and her ear, Jenny
makes sandwiches and places them on the table.

JENNY (CONT’D)
Yes, I know. You put up with a lot.

Jenny crosses to the sink and looks out the window. Clayton
is building a road for his cars in the sand.

JENNY (CONT’D)
How’s Dad? Yes, I know your
arthritis is acting up ...

Jenny leans against the counter.

JENNY (CONT’D)
How’s Dad’s breathing? Is the
oxygen helping?

She glances at the clock, then crosses to the window again.
3.


JENNY (CONT’D)
I’m fine, Mom. Clayton’s fine.

Slumping into a chair, she closes her eyes briefly, rises and
walks back to the window. Clayton plays in the sandbox.

JENNY (CONT’D)
Enough, Mom! I’m not getting back
with Ray. You know I’ve tried.

Jenny’s grip on the phone tightens.

JENNY (CONT’D)
I don’t care what Dad put you
through. I’m not putting up with
Ray’s drinking, his arguing ...

Her shoulders stiffen. She picks up a dish towel.

JENNY (CONT’D)
Please. Stop! I’m not moving back
to Dresden, and I’m not getting
back with Ray.

Furiously, she swipes at the counter with the dish towel.

JENNY (CONT’D)
Are you even listening to me?

She checks the backyard.

JENNY (CONT’D)
I can’t see Clayton. I have to go.

She slams down the receiver, throws the tea towel over her
shoulder, and hurries to the back door.
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary Jenny, a young woman struggling for independence, receives a phone call from her controlling mother. During the call, her mother expresses concern for Jenny’s well-being and attempts to convince her to move back home and reconcile with her ex-boyfriend. Jenny resists, asserting her desire for autonomy. Their conversation grows heated, culminating in an abrupt end to the call, leaving a palpable tension in the air.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Repetitive actions
  • Some dialogue could be more concise

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the central conflict and emotional stakes for the characters, drawing the audience in with its raw and relatable portrayal of family tension.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the complexities of family relationships and personal struggles is well-executed, providing a strong foundation for character development and emotional depth.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the interaction between Jenny and her mother, setting up future conflicts and resolutions while also providing insight into the characters' motivations and challenges.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the challenges of single motherhood and the complexities of family relationships, with authentic character interactions and emotional depth.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and relatable, with Jenny's internal conflict and her son Clayton's contrasting personality adding depth to the scene. Their interactions feel authentic and emotionally resonant.

Character Changes: 8

Jenny undergoes a subtle but significant change in her resolve and determination to stand up for herself and her son, setting the stage for potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Jenny's internal goal in this scene is to assert her independence and stand up for herself against her mother's pressure to reconcile with her ex-husband. This reflects her desire for autonomy and to break free from toxic relationships.

External Goal: 7

Jenny's external goal is to prepare lunch for her son Clayton and get him ready for his new school. This reflects her role as a mother and caretaker, as well as her responsibility to provide for her child.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Jenny and her mother, as well as Jenny's internal struggles and the tension with her son Clayton, creates a palpable sense of emotional and relational conflict that drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, with Jenny facing resistance from her mother and internal struggles with her own desires.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are established through the emotional and relational conflicts between the characters, highlighting the importance of family dynamics and personal struggles in driving the narrative forward.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by establishing key conflicts and relationships, providing essential background information, and setting up future plot developments and character arcs.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat predictable in its focus on family dynamics and personal conflicts, but the emotional depth and character development keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Jenny's desire for independence and her mother's traditional values of family and reconciliation. It challenges Jenny's beliefs about self-worth and the importance of standing up for oneself.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, drawing them into the characters' struggles and conflicts with its raw and authentic portrayal of family dynamics and personal challenges.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and relationships, revealing their inner thoughts and conflicts through natural and engaging conversations.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of its relatable characters, realistic dialogue, and emotional depth, drawing the audience into the characters' lives and struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing the audience to connect with the characters and their struggles.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a domestic drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution, effectively conveying the characters' emotions and motivations.


Critique
  • The scene opens with a detailed description of the town and Jenny's house, which sets the tone but may be a bit lengthy and could potentially slow down the pacing of the script.
  • The dialogue between Jenny and her mother feels a bit forced and on-the-nose, lacking subtlety in conveying their relationship dynamics.
  • The phone conversation with Jenny's mother could be more engaging by adding layers to their conflict and emotions, making it more compelling for the audience.
  • The interaction between Jenny and Clayton could be more dynamic to show their relationship and personalities more vividly.
  • The scene lacks visual cues and actions to enhance the storytelling and engage the audience beyond dialogue.
  • The transition between Jenny's phone call and her interaction with Clayton could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • There is potential to add more depth to Jenny's character by showing her internal struggles and emotions through actions and reactions.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions and sensory details to create a vivid and immersive setting for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider condensing the initial descriptions of the town and Jenny's house to maintain a good pace and focus on the characters and their interactions.
  • Work on making the dialogue between Jenny and her mother more nuanced and realistic, adding subtext and layers to their conversation.
  • Enhance the interaction between Jenny and Clayton by incorporating more physical actions, gestures, and expressions to bring their relationship to life.
  • Introduce visual cues, actions, and sensory details to enrich the scene and create a more engaging visual experience for the audience.
  • Focus on showing Jenny's internal struggles and emotions through her actions, reactions, and inner thoughts to deepen her character and engage the audience.
  • Ensure smooth transitions between different parts of the scene to maintain a cohesive flow and keep the audience engaged throughout.
  • Consider adding more visual descriptions and sensory details to create a vivid and immersive setting that enhances the overall storytelling.



Scene 2 -  Kickboxing Lunch Break
EXT. JENNY’S BACKYARD - DAY

Jenny stands on the back porch.

She uses the tea towel to swat at flies as she scans the
backyard - the sandbox, empty except for an assortment of
cars and trucks, the swing, swaying in the breeze, also
empty.

JENNY
Clayton. Lunch is ready. Come on.

Jenny clenches her fist and pummels a large red punching bag
hanging from the porch roof.
4.


JENNY (CONT’D)
This isn’t a game. Clayton, come
now!

A small blonde head pops up from behind a Forsythia bush.
Clayton runs toward her, giggling.

CLAYTON
I was playing hide-and-seek.

When Clayton reaches her, Jenny hugs him.

JENNY
You know I don’t like you hiding on
me.

CLAYTON
I’m sorry.

JENNY
Don’t do it again.

Clayton sticks out his lower lip, then laughs.

CLAYTON
I won’t.

JENNY
Promise?

CLAYTON
Pinky swear promise.

Clayton is serious for five seconds.

CLAYTON (CONT’D)
We’re going to my new school?

Jenny smiles.

JENNY
Yes, to meet your teacher.

CLAYTON
Can we do kickbox when we get home?

Clayton crosses to the chair beside the punching bag. On it
sit two sets of boxing gloves, one adult and one child size.

He slips one of the small ones on and punches the bag several
times.

JENNY
Lunch now, Mister.
5.


CLAYTON
My favorite?

JENNY
Peanut butter and honey.

Clayton kicks out at the bag, stumbles. Jenny catches him.
While she holds him, he gives the bag another kick.

JENNY (CONT’D)
You’re getting good at this. Now
stand like this.

She shows him how to plant his feet. He copies her, gives
another kick at the bag.

JENNY (CONT’D)
Good job.

CLAYTON
You have to practice, too.

Jenny laughs.

JENNY
After we get back. We’ll both
practice.

Clayton lays down the glove, makes a face at his mother, then
laughs. He follows her inside.
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary Jenny, frustrated by her son Clayton's extended hide-and-seek game, finds him and expresses her concern for his safety. After a brief chat, they engage in a playful kickboxing session in the backyard, sharing their excitement for Clayton's upcoming school year. The scene ends with them heading inside for lunch, leaving their gloves and punching bag behind.
Strengths
  • Natural dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Low conflict level
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the relationship between the mother and son, introduces an interesting activity they share, and hints at potential conflict with the mention of the abusive ex-boyfriend.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using kickboxing as a bonding activity is unique and engaging, adding depth to the characters and their relationship.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the mother-son relationship and hints at potential conflict with the ex-boyfriend, setting up future developments.

Originality: 8

The scene is original in its portrayal of a mother teaching her son kickboxing, adding a fresh and unexpected element to the domestic setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and true to life.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Jenny portrayed as a caring but strong mother, and Clayton as a playful and affectionate child.

Character Changes: 6

While there is no significant character change in this scene, it sets the stage for potential growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to bond with her son and teach him important life skills. This reflects her desire to protect and nurture him.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to get her son to come inside for lunch. This reflects the immediate challenge of managing her son's behavior and schedule.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

While there is a hint of conflict with the ex-boyfriend, the scene primarily focuses on the positive interaction between the mother and son.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with the son's playful behavior contrasting with the mother's desire for discipline.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character dynamics and relationships.

Story Forward: 6

The scene establishes the characters, their relationship, and hints at future conflicts, moving the story forward.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat predictable in its outcome, as the conflict is resolved peacefully and the characters' actions are in line with their established personalities.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the mother's desire for discipline and the son's desire for playfulness. This challenges the protagonist's values of responsibility and fun.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of warmth and affection, engaging the audience emotionally.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and reflects the relationship between the characters, showcasing their bond and dynamics.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic between the mother and son, as well as the physical activity of kickboxing, which adds excitement and tension.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotion, with a gradual escalation of conflict and resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with a beginning, middle, and end, effectively conveying the characters' goals and conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene effectively sets up the dynamic between Jenny and Clayton, showcasing Jenny's frustration and Clayton's playful nature.
  • The dialogue between Jenny and Clayton feels natural and reflects their relationship well.
  • The use of physical actions, like Jenny pummeling the punching bag and Clayton playing hide-and-seek, adds depth to the scene.
  • The scene effectively transitions from Jenny's initial annoyance to her affection for Clayton, showing the complexity of their relationship.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the setting and atmosphere.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more sensory details to bring the backyard to life, such as the smell of flowers, the sound of birds chirping, or the feel of the breeze.
  • Explore incorporating internal thoughts or emotions for Jenny to provide deeper insight into her character.
  • Introduce subtle hints or foreshadowing elements related to the upcoming events in the script to build anticipation.
  • Consider adding a small moment of reflection for Jenny after the interaction with Clayton to show her internal conflict or growth.
  • Ensure a smooth transition to the next scene to maintain the flow of the screenplay.



Scene 3 -  Street Safety and a Silent Neighbor
EXT. JENNY’S FRONT YARD - DAY

Jenny and Clayton come out of the house. They follow the path
to the white picket fence.

Clayton jumps up several times trying to reach the latch.

CLAYTON
I can’t do it.

JENNY
That’s good. Then you can’t run
away.

CLAYTON
I wouldn’t run away. I love you,
Mommy.

Jenny grins and rubs the top of his head.

JENNY
Love you more!
6.


She unlatches the gate and they go through to the street. The
gate SLAMS shut behind them.

EXT. STREET IN FRONT OF JENNY'S HOUSE - DAY

Jenny walks down the street. Clayton skips beside her.

JENNY (CONT’D)
So, what are the rules?

Clayton tips his head from side to side.

CLAYTON
Stop, look and listen before I
cross the street. No biting or
hitting. Say please and thank you.

JENNY
And ...

CLAYTON
Listen to my teacher.

Jenny smiles and nods.

JENNY
And ...

Clayton does a large jump over a sidewalk crack.

CLAYTON
And don’t talk to strangers!

JENNY
Very good.

A tightly permed, grey-haired lady, Mrs. Hawthorne, 70s,
weeds her front garden.

JENNY (CONT’D)
Hello, Mrs. Hawthorne. Beautiful
day, isn’t it?

Mrs. Hawthorne continues weeding without responding.

CLAYTON
How come you talked to her, Mommy?
Isn’t she a stranger?

Jenny leans down and whispers to Clayton.

JENNY
I’m being polite. She’s our
neighbor.
7.


CLAYTON
How come she didn’t say hello?

Continuing to whisper.

JENNY
Maybe she didn’t hear me.

No longer interested, Clayton leaps over another crack in the
sidewalk.
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary Jenny and Clayton walk down their street, practicing his street safety rules. Jenny tests him on topics like stopping before crossing and avoiding strangers. While walking, Clayton jumps over sidewalk cracks. They encounter their neighbor, Mrs. Hawthorne, who ignores Jenny's greeting. Clayton questions why Jenny spoke to her, but she explains it was out of politeness. The scene ends with Clayton focused on jumping over cracks, seemingly unfazed by Mrs. Hawthorne's silence.
Strengths
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Positive tone
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot advancement
  • Minimal conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the relationship between the mother and son, introduces important safety rules, and adds depth to the setting by including interactions with a neighbor. The dialogue is engaging and the tone is heartwarming.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of teaching safety rules to a child and emphasizing politeness and neighborly interactions is well-executed. It adds depth to the characters and setting.

Plot: 7

While the scene doesn't significantly advance the main plot, it adds depth to the characters and setting. It sets the stage for future interactions and character development.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh approach to the common theme of parent-child relationships and safety teachings. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to its originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Jenny and Clayton are well-developed in this scene. Their relationship is portrayed authentically, and their personalities shine through their interactions.

Character Changes: 5

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it does deepen the bond between Jenny and Clayton and sets the stage for potential growth in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to ensure her child's safety and teach him important life lessons. This reflects her deeper need for protection and nurturing, as well as her desire to instill good values in her child.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to walk down the street with her child and reinforce safety rules. This reflects the immediate circumstances of their walk and the challenges of teaching a young child.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

There is minimal conflict in the scene, focusing more on the positive interactions between characters and the establishment of safety rules.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is minimal, with the only challenge being the protagonist's attempt to teach her child safety rules.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on everyday interactions and safety rules. However, the emphasis on building relationships and values adds depth to the narrative.

Story Forward: 6

The scene doesn't propel the main plot forward significantly, but it adds depth to the characters and setting. It sets the stage for future interactions and developments.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is predictable in terms of its outcome and character interactions, but the subtle tension adds a layer of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the balance between being polite to neighbors and teaching children not to talk to strangers. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about social interactions and safety precautions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of warmth and connection between the characters, especially the mother and son. It resonates emotionally with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and engaging, reflecting the relationship between the mother and son. It also serves to establish important safety rules and showcase politeness.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the relatable interactions between characters and the underlying tension of teaching safety rules to a child.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing for natural pauses in dialogue and character movements.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear scene transitions and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or conflict, making it feel a bit aimless and lacking in tension.
  • The dialogue between Jenny and Clayton feels a bit forced and unnatural, especially the exchange about the rules which comes across as overly didactic.
  • The interaction with Mrs. Hawthorne feels disconnected and doesn't add much to the scene or character development.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the setting and atmosphere.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved by adding more depth to the interaction between Jenny and Clayton.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a specific conflict or goal for Jenny and Clayton in this scene to drive the action forward.
  • Work on making the dialogue more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities.
  • Explore ways to make the interaction with Mrs. Hawthorne more meaningful or relevant to the overall story.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more vivid picture of the setting and characters.
  • Focus on improving the pacing by adding depth to the interaction between Jenny and Clayton, making it more engaging for the audience.



Scene 4 -  First Day Jitters
INT. SCOTTSVILLE PUBLIC SCHOOL - PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE - DAY

Jenny and Clayton sit across the desk from MRS. NORTON, 50’s,
prim, proper, typical old-school career teacher.

The woman examines the papers in front of her.

MRS. NORTON
We need another contact number. In
case we can’t reach you.

She peers at Jenny through bifocal lenses.

MRS. NORTON (CONT’D)
His father?

JENNY
Not in the picture.

Jenny shakes her head, nodding at Clayton.

Does judgment show in the principal’s eyes? But a
professional, she recovers quickly.

MRS. NORTON
It says here that he has Asthma.

JENNY
He doesn’t need it often, but here
is his Ventolin puffer.

Jenny hands over the inhaler.

JENNY (CONT’D)
The directions are on the label.

MRS. NORTON
I’ll make sure his teacher has it.

She takes another look at the papers.
8.


MRS. NORTON (CONT’D)
Well, everything seems to be in
order.
(to Clayton)
Are you ready to meet your teacher,
young man?

Clayton jumps out of the chair.

CLAYTON
I can read already. And I do
kickbox.

Eyebrows raised, Mrs. Norton turns to Jenny who swallows
hard, looking as if she wants the chair to swallow her.

JENNY
I’m learning kickboxing. He has a
pair of boxing gloves. He knows he
only punches the bag.

Clayton nods.

CLAYTON
Just the bag. No hitting people.

Mrs. Norton sighs loudly. She’s skeptical but anxious to move
on.

MRS. NORTON
Let’s go meet your teacher.

Jenny takes Clayton’s hand. They follow the principal out the
door.
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary Jenny and Clayton are at the principal's office to register Clayton for school. Mrs. Norton, the principal, reviews Clayton's paperwork and asks for an additional contact number. Jenny explains that Clayton's father is not involved in his life. Mrs. Norton also notes Clayton's asthma and requests his inhaler. Jenny provides the inhaler and the directions. Clayton boasts about his skills, but Jenny corrects him, stating that he only punches a bag, not people. Mrs. Norton, skeptical but eager to move on, takes Clayton to meet his teacher.
Strengths
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Low conflict level
  • Limited character change

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the struggles and strengths of the main characters, setting up potential conflicts and resolutions. The dialogue is realistic and engaging, drawing the audience into the characters' lives.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a single mother advocating for her son in a school setting is relatable and compelling. It sets the stage for potential character growth and conflict.

Plot: 7

The plot moves forward as Jenny and Clayton meet the principal, setting up potential challenges and resolutions in their lives. The introduction of Clayton's interests adds depth to the storyline.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique family dynamics and challenges traditional stereotypes about parenting and education. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and relatable, especially Jenny as a determined single mother and Clayton as an enthusiastic young boy. Their interactions feel authentic and engaging.

Character Changes: 6

While there is no significant character change in this scene, it sets the stage for potential growth and development for Jenny and Clayton in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Jenny's internal goal in this scene is to ensure her son Clayton is properly taken care of and understood by the school. This reflects her deeper need to protect and advocate for her child.

External Goal: 7

Jenny's external goal is to enroll Clayton in school and ensure he has the necessary support for his asthma condition. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating the school system and advocating for her son's needs.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a subtle conflict between Jenny's desire to protect Clayton and the judgment she faces from the principal. This conflict sets up potential challenges for the characters.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, adding depth to the characters' motivations and actions.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, but the potential challenges and conflicts faced by Jenny and Clayton add depth to the storyline.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing important information about the characters and their relationships. It sets up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reactions and judgments from the characters, adding tension and uncertainty to the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the judgment and skepticism towards Jenny and Clayton due to their unconventional family situation and Clayton's interests in kickboxing. This challenges traditional beliefs about parenting and education.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes empathy for Jenny and Clayton, highlighting their struggles and strengths. The emotional connection with the characters is strong.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships. It effectively conveys emotions and motivations.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it introduces conflict and tension through the characters' interactions, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion through the characters' interactions, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy scene in a screenplay, with clear character names and dialogue cues.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-driven scene in a screenplay, with clear character interactions and progression of the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene in the principal's office lacks depth and emotional engagement. The interaction between Jenny, Clayton, and Mrs. Norton feels superficial and lacks tension or conflict.
  • The dialogue between the characters feels forced and unnatural, with Mrs. Norton's lines coming across as cliched and stereotypical of a strict school principal.
  • There is a missed opportunity to explore the dynamics between Jenny and Mrs. Norton further, especially considering Jenny's reluctance to share information about Clayton's father and the judgment she may perceive from the principal.
  • The scene could benefit from more subtext and nuance in the interactions between the characters to create a more engaging and realistic exchange.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, with the transition from one topic to the next lacking smoothness and depth.
Suggestions
  • Add more layers to the characters' interactions by exploring the underlying emotions and motivations behind their dialogue.
  • Consider introducing subtle conflicts or tensions between Jenny and Mrs. Norton to add depth to the scene.
  • Focus on creating more authentic and natural dialogue that reflects the characters' personalities and relationships.
  • Slow down the pacing of the scene to allow for more meaningful exchanges and character development.
  • Consider incorporating moments of vulnerability or authenticity to make the scene more relatable and engaging.



Scene 5 -  A New School, An Old Conflict
INT. SCOTTSVILLE PUBLIC SCHOOL - HALLWAY

The principal leads Jenny and Clayton toward the classrooms.
A door opens.

A rough-hewn man, TYRELL WATSON, mid 30’s, limps out into the
hall. He pushes a mop and bucket.

After a long glance at Jenny and Clayton, he speaks to the
principal.

TYRELL WATSON
If it’s okay with you, I’m leaving.

MRS. NORTON
Your work done for the day?
9.


TYRELL WATSON
Yes, Ma’am.

Tyrell smiles at Clayton. He waves at him before turning and
limping down the hallway.

MRS. NORTON
We’ll see you tomorrow.
(to Jenny)
And here is Mrs. Taylor. I’ll leave
you with her.

A cute, bouncy, early 20’s, MRS. TAYLOR, stands at the
doorway. She waves to Jenny and Clayton,

MRS. TAYLOR
Come in. Let me show you our
classroom.


INT. JENNY'S KITCHEN - DAY

Jenny and Clayton paste papers on the fridge beside several
of Clayton’s drawings and photos of Jenny and Clayton.

JENNY
This is your school schedule.

CLAYTON
How many sleeps before I go?

Jenny holds up several fingers. Clayton counts them.

CLAYTON (CONT’D)
Nine sleeps. Then I go to school!

JENNY
That’s right.

The PHONE RINGS.

CLAYTON
I want to play outside.

Jenny reaches for the phone.

JENNY
(to Clayton)
I’ll be out in a minute.

Clayton runs out the back door.
10.


JENNY (CONT’D)
Hello, Mom.
(beat)
I’m sorry. Yes, I should have
called you back. Sorry if you were
worried. Clayton was in the
backyard. I just couldn’t see him.

Pacing the kitchen, Jenny frequently looks out the kitchen
window.

JENNY (CONT’D)
He’s not bad! He’s a boy. He likes
to play. I said I was sorry for not
calling you back. I had to take
Clayton to his new school.

Her hand tightens on the receiver. She closes her eyes for a
second. When she opens them, she purses her lips and speaks
angrily.

JENNY (CONT’D)
We’re not moving back to Dresden. I
have to go.

Jenny’s hands shake as she hangs up the phone. She heads to
the back door, glancing at the clock. 1:15.
Genres: ["Drama","Slice of Life"]

Summary Jenny and Clayton arrive at their new school, Scottsville Public, and meet the principal, Mrs. Norton, and Clayton's teacher, Mrs. Taylor. While exploring the classroom, Jenny receives a call from her mother, who is upset about the move to Scottsville. Jenny insists on staying, leading to a heated argument and a frustrated end to the call. The scene highlights the conflicting emotions of excitement for a new beginning and the lingering tension of a family disagreement.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the mix of emotions experienced by Jenny and Clayton, setting up potential conflicts and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a child starting school and a mother navigating difficult family dynamics is relatable and engaging.

Plot: 8

The plot moves forward by introducing new characters and setting up potential conflicts, such as Jenny's strained relationship with her mother and ex-boyfriend.

Originality: 8

The scene demonstrates originality through its focus on intimate family interactions and the protagonist's internal conflicts. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative and creates a sense of realism.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Jenny is portrayed as a caring mother trying to protect her son while dealing with personal challenges. Clayton is shown as an eager and innocent child.

Character Changes: 7

Jenny shows signs of standing up for herself and protecting her son, hinting at potential growth and change.

Internal Goal: 8

Jenny's internal goal in this scene is to reassure herself and her mother about Clayton's well-being and their decision not to move back to Dresden. This reflects Jenny's need for independence, stability, and control over her life and her son's future.

External Goal: 7

Jenny's external goal in this scene is to handle the phone call with her mother and manage Clayton's desire to play outside while also preparing him for school. This reflects the immediate challenges Jenny faces in balancing her personal life and responsibilities as a parent.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is mostly internal and hinted at through Jenny's interactions with her mother and ex-boyfriend.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict for the protagonist, challenging her decisions and beliefs. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding suspense and intrigue to the narrative.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are personal and emotional, centered around Jenny and Clayton's well-being and future.

Story Forward: 7

The scene introduces new elements and characters that will likely impact the story's progression.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists and turns in the protagonist's emotional journey, challenging the audience's expectations and assumptions about the characters' motivations and actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between Jenny's desire for autonomy and her mother's expectations and concerns. This challenges Jenny's beliefs about her own decisions and the impact they have on her family relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes empathy for Jenny and Clayton's situation, creating an emotional connection with the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and relationships, setting up tension and potential resolutions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it captures the audience's attention through the relatable and emotionally charged interactions between the characters. The conflict and tension build suspense and intrigue, keeping viewers invested in the protagonist's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension and reflection, creating a dynamic rhythm that keeps the audience engaged. The gradual build-up of conflict and resolution enhances the emotional impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre by using standard screenplay conventions for dialogue, action, and scene descriptions. The clarity and organization of the formatting enhance the readability of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre by establishing the setting, introducing the characters, and developing the conflict effectively. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness in conveying the protagonist's emotional journey.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from the school hallway to Jenny's kitchen, which can be disorienting for the audience.
  • The introduction of Tyrell Watson in the school hallway feels disconnected from the rest of the scene in Jenny's kitchen, lacking a clear link or purpose.
  • The dialogue between Jenny and her mother on the phone feels forced and lacks depth, missing an opportunity to delve into their relationship dynamics further.
  • The pacing of the scene is inconsistent, with Jenny's phone conversation feeling rushed and lacking emotional depth.
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or development of the conflict between Jenny and her mother, leaving the audience hanging without a satisfying conclusion.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between the school hallway and Jenny's kitchen to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Provide more context or relevance to Tyrell Watson's introduction in the school hallway to better integrate his character into the overall narrative.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Jenny and her mother to add depth to their relationship and create a more engaging interaction.
  • Slow down the pacing of the scene to allow for more emotional depth and character development in Jenny's phone conversation with her mother.
  • Consider adding a clearer resolution or progression of the conflict between Jenny and her mother to provide a more satisfying conclusion to the scene.



Scene 6 -  A Mother's Panic
EXT. JENNY’S BACK PORCH - DAY

Jenny slips her hands into the boxing gloves and takes
several swipes at the punching bag. She also delivers a few
ineffective and clumsy kicks.

Determination shows in her pinched mouth, tense face and
body.

After a few hits to the bag, her body relaxes.

JENNY
Clayton, come and do some boxing
with me.

Jenny continues to punch the bag.

JENNY (CONT’D)
Clayton!

The backyard is quiet. Clayton has not appeared.

JENNY (CONT’D)
This isn’t a game. Come out now.
11.


Jenny yanks off the gloves, throws them onto the chair and
steps off the porch.

EXT. JENNY'S BACKYARD

Jenny walks the backyard. The sandbox is empty, the swing is
empty, the yard is empty.

JENNY (CONT’D)
Clayton!

She hurries around the side of the house.


EXT. JENNY’S FRONT YARD - DAY

Jenny freezes when she sees the front gate open and swinging
on its rusty hinges.

JENNY
Oh, God!

EXT. JENNY’S STREET - DAY

Stumbling through the gate, Jenny races down the street,
yelling Clayton’s name.

At the corner, two BOYS do wheelies on their ten speeds.

JENNY (CONT’D)
Have you seen a small blonde boy?

Jenny puts her hand just above her waist.

JENNY (CONT’D)
He's about this tall.

BOY #1
Nope.

JENNY
Are you sure?

One boy back peddles his bicycle, the other leans on the
handlebars.

BOY #2
Haven't seen him.

They bike away. Jenny, face pale and drawn, hurries back down
the street screaming Clayton’s name.

Mrs. Hawthorne plants flowers in her front garden.
12.


JENNY
Mrs. Hawthorne, have you seen
Clayton?

MRS. HAWTHORNE
Don't know any Clayton.

JENNY
My son. He was with me this
morning. We said hello to you.

MRS. HAWTHORNE
Don’t know you. Don’t know your
kid.

JENNY
We moved into the McLaren house a
few months ago.

MRS. HAWTHORNE
Told you. Don't know you or your
kid.

She continues gardening, ignoring Jenny.

JENNY
I can’t find him.

MRS. HAWTHORNE
Then you should have been watching
him better.

Mrs. Hawthorne attacks the ground with her trowel. She glares
at Jenny. Her voice rises.

MRS. HAWTHORNE (CONT’D)
Little brats. Trampling my
flowers, knocking over my
birdbath...

Jenny takes a step back, stumbles away.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Jenny frantically searches for her son, Clayton, after finding the front gate open and him missing. She questions neighbors, but no one seems to remember him. Mrs. Hawthorne, particularly hostile, accuses Clayton of damaging her garden. Jenny, distraught and desperate, continues her search, leaving Mrs. Hawthorne's accusations unanswered.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic portrayal of fear and desperation
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Character development could be enhanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged with the mother's desperate search for her son. The emotional impact is strong, and the conflict is palpable.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a mother losing her child in a small town is gripping and relatable. It explores themes of fear, motherhood, and community dynamics.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-structured, with a clear goal of finding the missing child driving the action. The conflict between the mother and the neighbor adds depth to the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar situation of a missing child but adds a unique twist with Mrs. Hawthorne's lack of empathy and the tense interactions between characters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined, with the mother's desperation and the neighbor's hostility coming through effectively. However, more development could enhance the emotional impact.

Character Changes: 7

The mother undergoes a significant emotional journey as she searches for her son, showcasing her resilience and determination.

Internal Goal: 9

Jenny's internal goal in this scene is to find her missing son, Clayton. This reflects her deep fear of losing her child and her desire to protect him.

External Goal: 8

Jenny's external goal is to locate Clayton in the neighborhood. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing of finding her missing son.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the mother and the neighbor, as well as the overarching conflict of the missing child, creates a high level of tension and urgency.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Mrs. Hawthorne's lack of empathy and Jenny's desperate search creating obstacles for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of a missing child and the mother's frantic search elevate the tension and urgency of the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major conflict and setting the stage for further developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected reactions of Mrs. Hawthorne and the tension in Jenny's search for her son.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between Jenny's sense of responsibility as a mother and Mrs. Hawthorne's lack of empathy and understanding. This challenges Jenny's beliefs about community and support.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, desperation, and empathy, drawing the audience into the mother's harrowing experience.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue serves its purpose in advancing the plot and revealing character dynamics. It could be more nuanced to add depth to the interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional intensity, and suspenseful search for Clayton.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged in Jenny's search for her son.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with distinct scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful and emotional moment in a screenplay, building tension and leading to a climactic reveal.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Jenny engaging in boxing, which sets up her determined and focused character. However, the transition to her calling out for Clayton feels abrupt and could be smoother.
  • The lack of Clayton's presence in the scene creates tension and a sense of urgency, which is effective in building suspense.
  • The interaction with the boys on the street adds a layer of realism and showcases Jenny's desperation to find her son.
  • The encounter with Mrs. Hawthorne introduces a new conflict and adds depth to the scene. Mrs. Hawthorne's hostility and accusations create a sense of unease and raise the stakes for Jenny.
  • The scene effectively conveys Jenny's escalating panic and the growing sense of danger as she struggles to locate Clayton.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition from Jenny boxing to realizing Clayton is missing to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Explore ways to further heighten the tension and suspense as Jenny searches for Clayton, perhaps by incorporating more sensory details or internal thoughts.
  • Develop the interaction with Mrs. Hawthorne to deepen the conflict and add layers to the scene, potentially revealing more about Jenny's character or past interactions with the neighbor.
  • Ensure the pacing remains consistent throughout the scene to maintain the sense of urgency and keep the audience engaged.
  • Consider incorporating visual cues or descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and immerse the audience in Jenny's frantic search for her son.



Scene 7 -  Clayton's Disappearance
EXT. STREET IN FRONT OF JENNY’S HOUSE - DAY

Jenny sags against the fence and screams.

JENNY
Clayton, where are you?

Jenny's neighbor, STEVE TOWNSEND, early 30’s, quarterback
build, rushes out of his house. He calls from the verandah.
13.


STEVE TOWNSEND
Jenny, what’s wrong?

JENNY
I can’t find Clayton.

Steve bounds down the stairs. Jenny speaks between sobs.

JENNY (CONT’D)
He was playing in the sandbox...now
he’s gone!

STEVE TOWNSEND
Maybe he’s just down the street.

JENNY
He can't open the gate.

STEVE TOWNSEND
He's been growing like a weed.
Maybe he figured it out.

Her face drains of color.

JENNY
Oh, God. Someone took him!

She slides to the ground. Steve kneels beside her, cradling
her limp body. He looks toward his house and yells.

STEVE TOWNSEND
Mom!

Jenny moans, her body shaking.

STEVE TOWNSEND (CONT’D)
Mom, get out here, now!

A petite, gray-haired, MYRTLE TOWNSEND, 60’s, appears at the
door. She hurries down the steps.

MYRTLE
What's going on?

STEVE TOWNSEND
Jenny can't find Clayton.

The muscles on Myrtle's face tighten. A look passes between
mother and son. Her head shakes slowly.

MYRTLE
(mumbles to herself)
No. Not again.
14.


Jenny lets out a strangled cry and struggles to get up.

JENNY
Clayton...

Myrtle looks at Steve.

MYRTLE
Should we call the police?

STEVE TOWNSEND
Let me have a quick look first.
He's probably just hiding.

Myrtle reaches out a hand to Jenny but quickly withdraws it.
She smiles hesitantly, her tone lacks the confidence of her
words.

MYRTLE
Boys do like to hide. I’m sure he's
going to pop his head up any
second.

Jenny closes her eyes as if saying a silent prayer.

JENNY
I have to keep looking.

She jerks away from Steve, tries to stand, stumbles. He
reaches out, supports her.

STEVE TOWNSEND
Go with Mom. I’ll look for him. He
can't have gone far.

JENNY
I need to go with you.

STEVE TOWNSEND
You should stay here. He'll be
upset if he can't find you when he
comes out of hiding.

Jenny allows Myrtle to help her along the path to her house.
Steve and Myrtle share a look. Distracted, Jenny doesn’t
notice.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Jenny is frantic after her son Clayton disappears from the sandbox. Neighbor Steve tries to comfort her, but Jenny remains distressed. Steve's mother, Myrtle, arrives and seems to understand the seriousness of the situation, although she tries to stay calm. Steve takes charge of the search while Jenny and Myrtle return to the house, leaving the ending with a sense of unresolved tension.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension building
  • Realistic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, emotionally charged, and effectively conveys the fear and desperation of a mother searching for her missing child.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a mother losing her child and the community coming together to help in the search is a powerful and relatable theme.

Plot: 9

The plot is intense and gripping, with a clear goal of finding Clayton driving the action forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar scenario of a missing child but adds a unique twist with the neighbor's involvement and the subtle hints of a past event. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with Jenny's desperation and Steve's helpfulness shining through in their actions and dialogue.

Character Changes: 7

Jenny experiences a shift from worry to determination, while Steve transitions from bystander to active helper.

Internal Goal: 9

Jenny's internal goal is to find her missing son, Clayton, and ensure his safety. This reflects her deep fear of losing her child and her desire to protect him at all costs.

External Goal: 8

Jenny's external goal is to physically locate Clayton and bring him back home. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing of finding her missing child.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict of Clayton going missing creates high stakes and tension, driving the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the uncertainty of Clayton's whereabouts creating a sense of urgency and conflict.

High Stakes: 10

The high stakes of a child going missing heighten the tension and urgency of the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major conflict and setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it leaves the audience unsure of Clayton's whereabouts and the resolution of the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the tension between hope and fear. Jenny hopes that Clayton is safe and will be found soon, while also fearing the worst-case scenario of him being in danger.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, desperation, and hope, making it highly impactful.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is realistic and conveys the characters' emotions effectively, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it hooks the audience with a high-stakes situation and emotional conflict.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and character cues.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a dramatic moment in a screenplay, with clear character motivations and escalating tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys Jenny's panic and desperation as she searches for her missing son, Clayton. The emotional turmoil she experiences is palpable through her dialogue and actions, such as screaming and sobbing.
  • The introduction of Steve Townsend as a helpful neighbor adds depth to the scene and provides a potential source of support for Jenny in her time of need.
  • The interaction between Jenny, Steve, and Myrtle showcases a sense of community and concern for Clayton's well-being, adding layers to the characters' relationships.
  • The tension and suspense build effectively as Jenny fears that Clayton has been taken, creating a sense of urgency and danger in the scene.
  • The scene ends on a cliffhanger, leaving the reader eager to know what happens next and whether Clayton will be found.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere of the scene, such as describing the sounds of the neighborhood or the feeling of Jenny's racing heartbeat.
  • Explore Jenny's internal thoughts and emotions further to provide insight into her mindset and deepen her character development.
  • Provide more context or hints about Clayton's disappearance to keep the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding mystery.
  • Consider incorporating additional layers of conflict or obstacles for Jenny to overcome in her search for Clayton, adding complexity to the narrative.
  • Ensure a smooth transition to the next scene to maintain the momentum and suspense of the story.



Scene 8 -  Clayton's Disappearance
INT. JENNY’S KITCHEN - DAY

Myrtle follows Jenny to the kitchen where Jenny sits stiff as
the wooden chair beneath her.
15.


MYRTLE
I’ll make some tea.

Myrtle puts a kettle on to boil. Jenny’s focus is on the
flowered wallpaper in front of her.

MYRTLE (CONT’D)
Boys do like to hide.

The kettle WHISTLES. Myrtle places tea bags and water into a
teapot. She glances at the clock on the wall.

MYRTLE (CONT’D)
I remember when Steve was a boy.
Always playing games on me.

Myrtle places a teacup in front of Jenny.

Jenny lifts the cup, her hands shake and she puts the cup
down. It rattles onto the saucer.

JENNY
Sorry.

She looks briefly at the older woman then focuses back on the
wallpaper flower. Unchecked tears track down her face.

MYRTLE
Maybe it's too hot.

Myrtle sits across from Jenny, her lips pursed and the hand
that picks up her teacup also shakes.

Jenny drops her hands to her lap, wringing them together as
if trying to control their shaking.


EXT. JENNY’S BACKYARD - DAY

Steve searches Jenny's backyard noting the empty sandbox and
the swing swaying in the breeze. He grabs the chain, halting
its movement.

STEVE TOWNSEND
Clayton, your mother’s looking for
you.

He quickly checks the perimeter of the yard. Looking back at
the house, he notices the wooden porch and heads toward it.

STEVE TOWNSEND (CONT’D)
Are you under here?
16.


Steve shimmies under the porch, pushing debris out of his
way. Reaching for something, he pulls out an old torn shirt.
He scrambles from under the porch, tossing it aside.

STEVE TOWNSEND (CONT’D)
(mutters to himself)
This can't be happening.


EXT. STREET IN FRONT OF JENNY'S HOUSE - DAY

Steve sprints out of the backyard. He checks the street.
Stopping at a house a few doors down, he KNOCKS at the front
door.

STEVE TOWNSEND
Hello! Anyone home?

When there is no answer, he runs to the back gate. A dog
chain lays empty in the grass.

Steve runs down the street, knocking on doors, questioning
anyone he sees.

After checking to the end of the street, he runs back to
Jenny’s.


INT. JENNY'S KITCHEN - DAY

Steve enters the kitchen, shoulders slumped, he shakes his
head.

STEVE TOWNSEND
Make the call, Mom.

Myrtle’s hand clenches the handset as she dials the phone.

MYRTLE
My neighbor's son is missing.

Jenny stares at the flowered wallpaper while Myrtle listens
to the person on the other end of the phone.

MYRTLE (CONT’D)
Jenny. Jenny.

She shakes Jenny's shoulder.

MYRTLE (CONT’D)
The police need some information.

Myrtle hands Jenny the phone.
17.


JENNY
Jenny Kingsley. Clayton’s five.
October nineteenth ... forty-five
pounds

Jenny’s hand jerks out to a spot in front of her.

JENNY (CONT’D)
Three feet tall.

Jenny's hand falls back into her lap. She closes her eyes.
Her voice sounds mechanical.

JENNY (CONT’D)
Blue shorts, a white Tee shirt ...
with brown puppy dogs on it. Please
hurry.

Myrtle takes the phone and hangs it up.

Jenny attempts to smile, but her lips lift only slightly
before becoming a stiff line again. She glances at the wall
clock. 1:45.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Clayton, a young boy, goes missing while playing hide-and-seek in his backyard. His mother, Jenny, is visibly distressed and calls the police. Jenny's other son, Steve, searches for Clayton and finds a torn shirt near the porch, suggesting Clayton might be hiding under it. Steve, unable to locate Clayton, informs his mother and the police are called. The scene ends with Jenny providing details to the police about Clayton, leaving the outcome of the search unknown.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension building
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Some pacing issues in the search sequence

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, emotionally charged, and keeps the audience engaged with its suspenseful and heart-wrenching narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a child going missing in a small town setting is a powerful and relatable premise that immediately draws the audience in.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-structured, with a clear escalation of tension and stakes as the search for the missing child intensifies.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on the familiar theme of a missing child, focusing on the emotional turmoil and internal conflicts of the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and character actions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, especially Jenny, whose emotional turmoil is portrayed convincingly. Steve and Myrtle also play crucial roles in the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Jenny undergoes a significant emotional transformation as she transitions from worry to panic and desperation, showcasing the depth of her character.

Internal Goal: 8

Jenny's internal goal in this scene is to control her emotions and appear composed despite the distressing situation of her son being missing. This reflects her need to maintain a facade of strength and control in the face of adversity.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to find her missing son, Clayton, and provide the necessary information to the police to aid in the search. This goal reflects the immediate challenge and urgency of the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict of a child going missing creates high stakes and intense emotional conflict, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing internal and external obstacles that challenge her beliefs, values, and actions. The uncertainty of the situation adds to the tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 10

The high stakes of a child's disappearance create a sense of urgency and tension that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major conflict and raising the stakes significantly, setting the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional reactions and twists in the characters' actions, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of motherhood, loss, and the fragility of family bonds. It challenges Jenny's beliefs about control and strength in the face of vulnerability and uncertainty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, sadness, and empathy in the audience as they witness a mother's worst nightmare.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and drives the plot forward, but could benefit from more depth and complexity.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, high stakes, and well-developed characters. The sense of urgency and suspense keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments, emotional beats, and character interactions that maintain a sense of momentum and urgency.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and visual storytelling.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear and coherent structure, transitioning smoothly between different locations and characters while maintaining a sense of urgency and tension.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition between Myrtle making tea in the kitchen and Steve searching the backyard, causing a disjointed flow.
  • The emotional impact of Jenny's distress and panic over her missing son could be heightened by focusing more on her internal thoughts and feelings.
  • The dialogue between Steve and Jenny feels somewhat forced and could be more natural and authentic.
  • The visual descriptions could be enhanced to create a more vivid and immersive setting, allowing readers to better visualize the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved by adding more tension and urgency as Jenny's son remains missing.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between Myrtle making tea and Steve searching the backyard to improve the scene's flow.
  • Enhance Jenny's internal monologue to convey her escalating panic and fear more effectively.
  • Revise the dialogue between Steve and Jenny to make it more realistic and reflective of their emotions.
  • Include more detailed visual descriptions to create a vivid setting and enhance the reader's immersion in the scene.
  • Increase the tension and urgency in the scene by adding more suspenseful elements as Jenny's son remains missing.



Scene 9 -  Clayton's Disappearance
INT. JENNY'S KITCHEN - DAY

KNOCKING at the front door. Jenny glances at the wall clock.
2:05. Myrtle leaves the kitchen. Using the walls to support
her, Jenny follows.


JENNY'S FRONT DOOR

Myrtle opens the door to a burly, uniformed policeman,
OFFICER JOE ROBERTS, early 30’s. Myrtle lets him into the
house.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
You called about a missing child?

MYRTLE
This is Jenny Kingsley. Her son is
missing.

Myrtle motions him toward the living room.

JENNY'S LIVING ROOM

Jenny slumps on the sofa. Steve sits near her, the policeman
sits opposite.

He starts when he notices Steve. He turns to him.
18.


OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
(harsh tone)
What are you doing here?

Myrtle looks from her son to the police officer, then rises
and nods to Jenny.

MYRTLE
I’ll be next door if you need me.

Myrtle leaves. Jenny faces the officer, tears glaze her eyes,
her voice trembles.

JENNY
Please. You need to find him!

Sneering, Roberts nods toward Steve.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
You sure he didn’t take him?

Jenny starts. Her eyes widen.

JENNY STEVE TOWNSEND
No! He’s my neighbor. I didn’t take him!

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
We’ll be checking you out.

Roberts glares at Steve whose eyes have narrowed and a muscle
twitches on his drawn face. His body is stiff and his fists
clenched.

STEVE TOWNSEND
You do that.

Jenny trembles, her gaze darting from police officer to her
neighbor.

JENNY
(angrily)
My son. You need to find him.

Roberts visibly works to lose the sneer. He turns to Jenny.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
We will. First, I need some
information.

He lays a notebook on the coffee table, pauses, holding a pen
above the page.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS (CONT’D)
He's five. Right?
19.


Jenny nods. A tear rolls down her cheek.

JENNY
He was playing in the backyard. I
kept checking on him. He was just
there...and then...

She sniffles.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
What time was that?

JENNY
One-fifteen.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
Are you sure?

JENNY
I looked at the clock when I went
outside.

Her voice trails off and she stares into space. He writes in
his notebook.

STEVE TOWNSEND
Jenny and I both checked the
backyard. And the street.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
Where’s his father?

Jenny’s bottom lip trembles.

JENNY
I’m separated. His father lives in
Dresden.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
Does he know?

Jenny shakes her head.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS (CONT’D)
You need to call him.

KNOCKING. Steve lets in a Brad Pitt look-alike, OFFICER DAVE
CHARLTON, early 40’s. Roberts crosses to him brushing into
Steve’s shoulder as Steve returns to his seat.

Roberts speaks quietly to the older policeman before turning
back to Jenny.
20.


OFFICER JOE ROBERTS (CONT’D)
This is Officer Charlton. He’ll be
in charge of the investigation.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Roberts, how about you check the
house, the backyard.

Roberts glares at Steve before leaving. Charlton sits in an
armchair across from Jenny. He smiles at Steve.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON (CONT’D)
So, you’re neighbors?

STEVE TOWNSEND
Yeah.

He turns back to Jenny.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
You were going to call his father?

Jenny nods. He pauses, watching her intently.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON (CONT’D)
Could he have taken him?

JENNY
No. He was glad to be rid of us.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Would he do it to get back at you?

Jenny’s head jerks, her brows wrinkle.

JENNY
I don't think so.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Call him. Tell him to come.

Jenny leaves the room.


JENNY'S KITCHEN

Clenching the receiver, Jenny punches in numbers. She closes
her eyes.

JENNY
Theresa, it’s Jenny. I need to talk
to Ray.

She presses the phone to her ear and waits.
21.


JENNY (CONT’D)
No, Ray. I’m not calling about
support.

She white knuckles the phone.

JENNY (CONT’D)
Do you have Clayton?

She leans against the wall and wipes at the tears streaming
down her face.

JENNY (CONT’D)
He was playing outside....now he’s
gone...the police are here ... The
address? It’s 107 Wortley Street,
in Scottsville.
(whispering)
Thanks, Ray.


JENNY'S LIVING ROOM

JENNY
He doesn't have him.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Is he coming?

Unable to speak, Jenny nods. She returns to the couch.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON (CONT’D)
Did he sound surprised?

JENNY
Of course, he was surprised!

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Do you have a recent photo?

Jenny takes photos out of a sideboard and hands them to him.
One picture shows Clayton wearing a white shirt with puppies
embossed on the front.

JENNY
That's the shirt he was wearing.
It's his favorite.

Her voice breaks.

JENNY (CONT’D)
He loves dogs. He had blue shorts
on today.
22.


OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Tell me what happened.

JENNY
He was just outside for a few
minutes.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
How long?

Jenny raises her hands in a defensive manner.

JENNY
About ten minutes.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
You didn’t need to use the
bathroom, or make a quick phone
call?

Her voice rises.

JENNY
My mother called. But I didn’t talk
long. Just a couple of minutes. I
kept watching him out the window.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Did you get distracted? Leave the
kitchen? Not check on him as
often...

JENNY
I was in the kitchen the whole
time.

Jenny wrings her hands. Her voice breaks.

JENNY (CONT’D)
The gate was open. He can't open
it. Someone took him!

Sobbing loudly, she puts her head in her hands.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Children go missing all the time.
They wander off, turn the wrong
way, get lost ... But we’ll find
him.

Roberts comes into the living room.
23.


OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
I've finished checking the house,
and the backyard.

Roberts shakes his head.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Take this photo downtown. Put it
in the system. Get some officers.
Expand the search. Make sure they
talk to everyone.

More tears stream down Jenny's cheeks as she watches Roberts
leave.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON (CONT’D)
Mrs. Kingsley, is there anyone who
might have taken him?

JENNY
I don't know anyone in Scottsville.
My neighbor -

She nods at Steve.

JENNY (CONT’D)
And the Sawyers down the street.
They have a new puppy.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Anyone else?

Jenny shakes her head.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON (CONT’D)
Where do you do your shopping?
Could you have met someone there?

Her brow wrinkles. It’s several seconds before she speaks.

JENNY
Stockley's General Store. But I
don't stop and talk to anyone. I
work from home doing the books for
Mr. Harrison.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
We'll check with him.

JENNY
But he wouldn't...
24.


OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
We need to rule out anyone who has
had contact with you, or your son.

Jenny lurches forward.

JENNY
He doesn't have his puffer!

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
His puffer?

JENNY
He has asthma. I give him Ventolin
when he has trouble breathing.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
How often does he need it?

JENNY
With rainy weather. Or if he gets a
cold.

Charlton smiles gently.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Then we'll have to find him before
he needs it.

Jenny wipes away a fresh set of tears.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON (CONT’D)
I’m going to the station. Try to
think of anyone who might have a
reason to take your son. Or someone
hanging around. Or looking
suspicious.

Charlton rises.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON (CONT’D)
We’ll find your boy. Call me when
your husband arrives.

He hands her his business card. Steve walks to the door with
him.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON (CONT’D)
Can you stay with her until he gets
here?

STEVE TOWNSEND
Sure.
25.


Steve sits with Jenny. She watches outside where police
canvass the street. She frequently glances at the wall clock.

STEVE TOWNSEND (CONT’D)
Maybe you should rest...

Jenny shakes her head.

JENNY
I should be out looking.

STEVE TOWNSEND
You need to be here when he comes
back.

JENNY
Oh, Steve, where is he?

Steve squeezes her hand.

STEVE TOWNSEND
They'll find him.

JENNY
What if they don't?

Jenny sobs. Steve holds her and lets her cry.

JENNY (CONT’D)
Will you stay? I don't want to be
alone.

Her hand touches her forehead.

JENNY (CONT’D)
I’ve got such a headache.

STEVE TOWNSEND
You go lie down. I'll stay right
here and watch for him.

Gripping the handrail, Jenny stumbles up the stairs.


CLAYTON'S BEDROOM

Jenny lies on Clayton’s bed and sobs into his pillow.

Her watch shows that fifteen minutes have passed. Jenny gets
up. She is pale, disheveled, her eyes red and puffy.
26.


JENNY'S LIVING ROOM

STEVE TOWNSEND
Did you get any sleep?

Jenny shakes her head.

STEVE TOWNSEND (CONT’D)
Can I get you anything?

JENNY
Did anyone call?

STEVE TOWNSEND
No.

JENNY
I want to be alone for a while.

STEVE TOWNSEND
Are you sure? I don't mind staying
until Ray gets here.

JENNY
He’ll be here soon.

Steve crosses to the door, stopping, he looks back.

STEVE TOWNSEND
Call me if you need anything. My
mom can come over if you want.

Jenny turns away and stares out the window. After Steve
leaves, she exits the living room.


JENNY'S KITCHEN

Jenny wanders around the kitchen.

She picks up the phone, puts it down again.

Finally, gripping the receiver she leans against the wall
dialing several times before getting the number right.

She is sobbing when the phone is answered.

JENNY
Mom, I can't find him...he's gone.

Clutching the phone, her body slides to the floor.
27.


JENNY (CONT’D)
He wouldn't be in the basement. He
hates the dark. I've checked
everywhere. The police are looking.

Jenny closes her eyes and white knuckles the phone.

JENNY (CONT’D)
I had to call them. Mom, please. I
couldn't find him. No. You don't
need to come.

Jenny wipes her palms on her jeans.

JENNY (CONT’D)
I have to go. They might by trying
to call.

Struggling to her feet, Jenny hangs up the phone and hurries
out of the kitchen.


JENNY’S BATHROOM

RETCHING. Jenny clings to the porcelain bowl for several
minutes before stumbling out of the bathroom.


JENNY'S FRONT DOOR

A car engine RUMBLES. Jenny hurries to let Officer Charlton
in. Her hopeful look turns to despair when she sees his
expression.

JENNY
You haven’t found him?

His face says it all. Jenny sways. Charlton catches her.


JENNY'S LIVING ROOM

Charlton supports her into the living room.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Are you okay?

JENNY
Okay? I'm alive. I'm breathing.

Her voice hardens.

JENNY (CONT’D)
Does that count as okay?
28.


She slumps onto the sofa, puts her head in her hands, and
sobs. Charlton sits across from her.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
The canine unit is coming. They’ll
be here shortly.

ANGRY MALE SHOUTING. Jenny starts to get up, but Charlton
motions her to stay seated.

A man, mid 20's, who looks like his free time is spent
lifting weights and brown bottles, bursts into the room. RAY
KINGSLEY.

RAY KINGSLEY
Let me through!

The men face each other. Ray ignores Charlton’s extended
hand.

RAY KINGSLEY (CONT’D)
(surly)
What's being done to find my son?

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Mr. Kingsley, please have a seat.

RAY KINGSLEY
What’s being done?

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
We have officers out looking.

RAY KINGSLEY
Is that all?

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
(clipped, commanding)
Mr. Kingsley, please. Have a seat.

Ray sits on the sofa, his fists clenched, his body tense.
There is only a quick nod to Jenny.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON (CONT’D)
We've put out a Missing Child
Alert. His picture is being
circulated to every police station
for miles.

Charlton pauses and looks from Ray to Jenny.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON (CONT’D)
If he's not found by six --
29.


JENNY
He'll be hungry.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
We’ll want to put a bulletin on the
six o’clock news.

RAY KINGSLEY
You're going to plaster our faces
all over the news!

JENNY
Ray, if it gets Clayton back ...

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
The canine unit will want a piece
of your son’s clothing. Something
he wore recently. To give the dog a
scent.

JENNY
His pajamas are under his pillow.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
I'll collect them. It might confuse
the dog if you touch them.

Charlton leaves the living room, returning with the pajamas
in a plastic bag.

KNOCKING at the front door. OFFICER MATT DENISON, mid 40s,
enters the living room. Built like a boxer, his rugged
appearance suggests an outdoorsman.

A large German Shepherd walks at his side.

OFFICER MATT DENISON
(to Jenny and Ray)
Matt Denison of the Canine Unit.
And this is Jesse.

Denison nods to Jenny and Ray then reaches down to pet the
dog's nape.

OFFICER CHARLTON
Want his pajamas?

OFFICER MATT DENISON
I'll let her sniff them, but she
works better off the last hot
scent.
30.


JENNY
He was playing in the sandbox
before ...

OFFICER MATT DENISON
Do you have the pajamas?

Charlton gives the handler the plastic bag. The dog sniffs
for a few seconds then lifts his head and looks toward the
kitchen.

OFFICER MATT DENISON (CONT’D)
Is that the way outside?

JENNY
Yes. The back door is off the
kitchen.


JENNY'S KITCHEN

Officer Denison lets Jesse lead him toward the back door.
The group follows. Denison lengthens the leash and opens the
screen door.

OFFICER MATT DENISON
Find, Jesse.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Jenny's son, Clayton, has gone missing. Officer Roberts, initially suspicious of her neighbor Steve, is replaced by Officer Charlton who advises Jenny to contact Clayton's father, Ray. Despite Ray's confirmation that he doesn't have Clayton, a frantic search ensues, involving the house, backyard, and the deployment of a search party. As the tension mounts, Jenny reveals Clayton's asthma condition, prompting the call for a canine unit. The scene culminates with the arrival of a German Shepherd who picks up Clayton's scent at the back door, leaving the audience on a cliffhanger.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Well-developed plot
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the high stakes and emotional turmoil of a mother searching for her missing son, creating a tense and suspenseful atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a child going missing and the subsequent search is a compelling and relatable premise that immediately draws the audience in.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with a clear focus on the search for the missing child and the escalating tension as more characters become involved in the investigation.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar premise of a missing child but adds depth through nuanced character interactions and emotional depth. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, with Jenny's desperation and Ray's initial skepticism effectively portrayed. The introduction of the police officers adds depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Jenny undergoes a significant emotional journey in the scene, moving from initial panic to a sense of determination and resolve as she works with the police to find her son.

Internal Goal: 9

Jenny's internal goal is to find her missing son and ensure his safety. This reflects her deep need for motherhood and protection of her child.

External Goal: 8

Jenny's external goal is to cooperate with the police investigation and provide any information that could help find her son. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with the situation and working with law enforcement.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is high, with the search for the missing child creating tension and drama as the characters grapple with uncertainty and fear.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints, accusations, and suspicions creating obstacles for the protagonist. The audience is left uncertain about the true motives of the characters and the outcome of the investigation.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the life of a child hanging in the balance and the emotional well-being of the characters at risk.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new elements (police investigation, canine unit) and escalating the tension as the search for the missing child intensifies.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between characters, the unexpected accusations, and the unresolved mystery of the missing child. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the tension between trust and suspicion. Officer Roberts' accusatory tone towards Steve challenges Jenny's belief in her neighbor's innocence and raises doubts about who could be responsible for her son's disappearance.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a strong emotional impact, eliciting feelings of fear, sadness, and desperation as the audience empathizes with Jenny's plight.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and serves to move the plot forward, conveying the urgency of the situation and the emotions of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high emotional stakes, suspenseful atmosphere, and well-developed characters. The audience is drawn into the mystery of the missing child and invested in Jenny's journey.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension, emotional beats, and character interactions that keep the audience engaged. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in conveying the urgency of the situation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured format for a suspenseful drama, with clear character introductions, rising tension, and a resolution that sets up further conflict.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys Jenny's desperation and fear for her missing son, Clayton, through her interactions with the police officers and her emotional breakdown.
  • The tension between Officer Roberts and Steve adds an interesting dynamic to the scene, but it could be further developed to enhance the conflict and suspense.
  • Jenny's emotional turmoil is well portrayed, but there are moments where her dialogue could be more impactful to evoke stronger emotions from the audience.
  • The introduction of Officer Charlton and the canine unit adds a sense of urgency and hope to the scene, but the transition between different characters and their interactions could be smoother.
  • The scene effectively sets up the next steps in the search for Clayton, but there could be more depth added to Jenny's internal struggle and the dynamics between the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more depth to Jenny's internal thoughts and emotions to further engage the audience and create a stronger connection with her character.
  • Enhance the conflict between Officer Roberts and Steve to increase the tension and suspense in the scene.
  • Work on the dialogue to ensure it effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, especially during the intense moments of the scene.
  • Focus on creating smoother transitions between different characters and their interactions to maintain a cohesive flow throughout the scene.
  • Continue to build on the sense of urgency and hope introduced by the canine unit to keep the audience engaged and invested in the search for Clayton.



Scene 10 -  A Scent That Ends at the Curb
EXT. JENNY’S BACKYARD - DAY

The dog crosses to the chair with Clayton’s boxing gloves.
Charlton raises his eyebrows at the sight of the punching
bag. Jenny looks embarrassed.

JENNY
I live alone.

The dog sniffs the child-size boxing gloves, then makes her
way to the sandbox.

Nose to the ground, she trots to the gate and looks up at her
handler. Denison opens the gate.


EXT. IN FRONT OF JENNY'S HOUSE - DAY

The group watches as Denison follows Jesse who sniffs her way
to the sidewalk, then turns south.
31.


EXT. JENNY’S STREET - DAY

Jesse works her way down the block, leaves the sidewalk. She
sniffs at the curb for several seconds before looking up at
her handler.

OFFICER MATT DENISON
Good job, Jesse.

Denison pats the dog, then turns shaking his head.

OFFICER MATT DENISON (CONT’D)
The scent ends here.

RAY KINGSLEY
What do you mean the scent ends
here?

OFFICER MATT DENISON
This is as far as Jesse can track
him. I think your son was taken on
foot to this point, then put into a
vehicle.

RAY
So that's it then!

OFFICER MATT DENISON
If he was taken in a vehicle
there’s nothing for the dog to
track.

RAY
Useless mutt.

JENNY
Ray.

Jenny puts out a hand toward him. He jerks away.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Jesse, the tracking dog, leads Jenny, Ray Kingsley, and Officer Denison on a scent trail in Jenny's backyard. The trail leads to the curb, where the scent abruptly ends, suggesting Clayton was taken in a vehicle. Ray is frustrated by the lack of further leads and lashes out at the dog, creating tension between him and Jenny. The scene ends with the uncertainty surrounding Clayton's location and Ray's anger.
Strengths
  • Intense tension
  • Suspenseful search
  • Emotional depth of characters
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Character interactions could be further developed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the search for Clayton, the conflict with the neighbor, and the emotional turmoil of the characters. The use of the canine unit adds an intriguing element to the investigation.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a missing child and the search efforts are well-executed, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome. The introduction of the canine unit adds a unique twist to the investigation.

Plot: 8

The plot is driven by the search for Clayton, the suspicion surrounding the neighbor, and the emotional turmoil experienced by Jenny. The scene moves the story forward by raising the stakes and intensifying the conflict.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique element with the tracking dog and the child-size boxing gloves, adding a fresh perspective to the familiar theme of a missing child. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and realistic, enhancing the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, particularly Jenny and Ray, show emotional depth and complexity in their reactions to the situation. The neighbor, Steve, also plays a significant role in the scene by offering support to Jenny.

Character Changes: 7

Jenny experiences a significant change in her emotional state, from initial concern to escalating fear and desperation as the search for Clayton intensifies. Ray also shows a shift in his attitude towards the situation.

Internal Goal: 8

Jenny's internal goal is to maintain composure and control her emotions in the face of her son's disappearance. She wants to appear strong and in control, despite feeling scared and vulnerable.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find her missing son and bring him home safely. This goal reflects the immediate challenge and danger she is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the search for Clayton, the suspicion cast on the neighbor, and the emotional turmoil experienced by Jenny. The stakes are raised as the search intensifies.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing obstacles and challenges in their search for the missing child. The uncertainty of the situation adds tension and keeps the audience guessing.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as Jenny searches for her missing son, Clayton, with the fear of abduction looming. The suspicion cast on the neighbor and the use of the canine unit raise the stakes even further.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by raising the stakes, intensifying the conflict, and deepening the emotional turmoil of the characters. The search for Clayton drives the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist in the tracking dog's inability to find the missing child, adding a layer of mystery and tension to the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the belief in the effectiveness of the tracking dog and the frustration of not being able to find the missing child. This challenges the characters' beliefs in the reliability of technology and their own abilities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a high emotional impact due to the fear, anxiety, and desperation felt by Jenny as she searches for her missing son. The emotional turmoil of the characters adds depth to the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension, suspicion, and emotional turmoil of the characters during the search for Clayton. The interactions between the characters add depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional conflict, and suspenseful atmosphere. The reader is drawn into the characters' search for the missing child and their emotional reactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and description that keeps the reader engaged and builds suspense. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in conveying the urgency of the situation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and characters.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful drama, with a clear progression of events and escalating tension. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a sense of urgency and tension considering the gravity of the situation - a missing child. The dialogue feels somewhat flat and doesn't fully capture the emotional turmoil Jenny and Ray would be experiencing.
  • The interaction between the characters, especially Jenny and Ray, could be more intense and emotionally charged. There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into their conflicting emotions and suspicions.
  • The canine unit's discovery of the end of the scent trail is a crucial moment in the search for Clayton, but the impact of this revelation is not fully explored. The scene could benefit from more emphasis on the significance of this finding.
  • The dynamics between the characters, particularly Jenny and Ray, could be further developed to create a more compelling and engaging scene. Their reactions to the canine unit's findings could be more nuanced and reflective of their emotional state.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues to enhance the tension and suspense, such as close-ups of the characters' faces to capture their emotions and reactions to the unfolding events.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more emotional depth to the dialogue between Jenny and Ray to convey the intensity of their feelings about Clayton's disappearance.
  • Explore the characters' internal struggles and conflicting emotions in more detail to create a more engaging and impactful scene.
  • Enhance the sense of urgency and tension by incorporating visual cues and descriptive language to heighten the emotional impact of the canine unit's findings.
  • Focus on building the relationship dynamics between the characters to make the scene more compelling and emotionally resonant for the audience.
  • Consider adding moments of introspection and reflection for the characters to provide insight into their thoughts and feelings during this critical juncture in the search for Clayton.



Scene 11 -  The Interrogation
EXT. IN FRONT OF JENNY'S HOUSE - DAY

The group stops in front of Jenny’s house.

OFFICER MATT DENISON
Mrs. Kingsley, I’m really sorry.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
We’ll have officers check the
street again. See if anyone noticed
a vehicle parked near here.
32.


Charlton leads Jenny and Ray back to the house. When Jenny
stumbles, Ray takes her arm to support her.

Denison puts Jesse in his vehicle and drives away.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON (CONT’D)
My friend has a bloodhound. His dog
might be able to ...

RAY KINGSLEY
Damned dogs are useless. Just do
your fucking job and find him.


INT. JENNY'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Jenny and Ray sit on either ends of the sofa. Ray wears a
surly expression.

Officer Charlton addresses Ray.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
What’s your relationship with your
son?

RAY KINGSLEY
Fine! It’s fine.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
When was the last time you saw him?

RAY KINGSLEY
A few months ago.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Any reason it’s been so long?

Ray glares at Charlton. He jerks his head at Jenny.

RAY KINGSLEY
She up and moved away.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Did she have reason to move?

RAY KINGSLEY
She’s my wife. She had no cause to
up and leave. Taking my son.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Did you come to see them? Talk to
her about going home?
33.


RAY KINGSLEY
I haven’t spoken to her since she
left.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Did you take your son to get back
at her?

RAY KINGSLEY
You pig! I didn’t take my son!

The men glare at each other.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Do you have anything to tell me,
Mr. Kingsley?

RAY KINGSLEY
Nothing. I was at work all day.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Can someone verify that?

Ray sneers at Charlton.

RAY KINGSLEY
The whole fucking shop!

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
I'll need the name and phone number
of your workplace.

RAY KINGSLEY
You gotta be fucking kidding. I
didn't take my son.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
The sooner we rule you out, the
sooner we can get on with the
investigation.

RAY KINGSLEY
Sifton’s. In Dresden. Call them.
They'll tell you I was there all
day.

Charlton nods. He turns to Jenny.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
I’m heading back to the station.
If Clayton isn't back by supper
time, we'll do a media interview
for the six o’clock news.
34.


He leaves. Jenny and Ray remain sitting at opposite ends of
the sofa.

RAY KINGSLEY
Fucking pigs! Asking if I took my
own son. I should sue them for
slander. Damned bastards.

Jenny flinches as Ray smashes his fist against the arm of the
sofa.

RAY KINGSLEY (CONT’D)
Why aren’t they out there looking
for him instead of harassing me?

Slumped on the sofa, Jenny, her face in her hands, sobs.

JENNY
Ray. Please.

RAY KINGSLEY
They just made me so angry.

Ray pulls her into his arms. She rests there for a few
seconds before pulling away.

JENNY
Thanks for coming.

RAY KINGSLEY
What do you expect? He is my son.

Jenny wipes tears off her face.

JENNY
I can’t just sit here.

She gets up and paces the room.

JENNY (CONT’D)
Want something to eat?

RAY KINGSLEY
If you wouldn’t mind. I haven’t
eaten since lunch. Can’t eat much,
though. Stomach’s a bit upset.


JENNY'S KITCHEN

Jenny puts a kettle on the stove.
35.


JENNY
(muttering to herself)
Stomach’s a bit upset, is it, Ray?
I want to throw up everything I’ve
eaten since yesterday, and your
stomach’s a bit upset!

She crosses to the backdoor and looks outside.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Crime"]

Summary Police officers arrive at Jenny's home, suspecting her estranged husband, Ray, of involvement in their son Clayton's disappearance. Ray denies any involvement and becomes increasingly agitated by the officers' scrutiny. Jenny, visibly distressed, expresses her concern for Clayton's safety. The police leave to continue their investigation, leaving Ray and Jenny in a tense and uncertain state.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension building
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the central conflict of the story and establishes a high level of emotional intensity, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a missing child and the subsequent investigation is a compelling and high-stakes premise that drives the narrative forward.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens as suspicions arise and tensions escalate between the characters, adding depth to the storyline.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar theme of a missing child but adds a fresh perspective through the intense family dynamics and conflicting emotions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show a range of emotions and motivations, contributing to the complexity of the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the emotional turmoil experienced by the characters sets the stage for potential growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to prove his innocence and protect his reputation as a father. This reflects his deeper need for validation and respect, as well as his fear of being falsely accused.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find his missing son and clear his name from suspicion. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing and the urgency of the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters and the police, as well as the internal conflict within the family, creates a high level of tension and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting interests and emotional confrontations. The audience is left uncertain about the characters' true intentions and the outcome of the investigation.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of a missing child and the escalating tensions between the characters raise the stakes significantly, adding urgency to the investigation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key conflicts, suspicions, and emotional stakes that will drive the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters and the unexpected revelations. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between the protagonist's sense of justice and the law enforcement's duty to investigate. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about trust and authority.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact of the scene is significant, evoking feelings of fear, sadness, and desperation in the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and conflicts, driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict and high stakes involved. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and the unfolding mystery.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character actions. The dialogue is properly formatted, enhancing readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dramatic confrontation, with clear character motivations and escalating tension. The dialogue and actions flow naturally, contributing to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus on the search for Clayton, which is the main plot point at this stage of the story. Instead, the focus shifts to the tension between Jenny and Ray, detracting from the urgency of finding their missing son.
  • The dialogue between Ray and the police officers feels forced and cliched, with Ray's anger and defensiveness coming across as predictable. This detracts from the authenticity of the scene.
  • The emotional beats in the scene could be more nuanced and layered to reflect the complexity of the situation. Jenny's distress and Ray's frustration could be explored in a more subtle and realistic manner.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, with the interrogation and emotional moments not given enough time to breathe. This impacts the overall impact of the scene and the audience's emotional engagement.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and sensory details that could enhance the atmosphere and immerse the audience in the story. Adding more visual elements could make the scene more vivid and engaging.
Suggestions
  • Focus on the search for Clayton as the central plot point and ensure that the emotional beats in the scene serve to heighten the tension and urgency of finding him.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more authentic and nuanced, avoiding cliches and predictable responses. Explore the characters' emotions in a more subtle and realistic way.
  • Slow down the pacing of the scene to allow for more depth and emotional resonance. Give the characters space to react and process their emotions in a more realistic manner.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions and sensory details in the scene to create a more immersive and engaging experience for the audience. Use visual cues to convey the characters' emotions and the atmosphere of the scene.



Scene 12 -  A Child Vanishes
EXT. JENNY'S BACK PORCH - DAY

Jenny slips on her boxing gloves and punches the bag, each
punch has more force. In between the punches, she kicks the
bag.

Kettle WHISTLES. Jenny throws the boxing gloves on the chair
and heads inside.


INT. JENNY'S KITCHEN - DAY

Jenny makes coffee, tea, sandwiches. She carries a tray out
of the kitchen.


JENNY'S LIVING ROOM

Jenny places the tray on the coffee table. Ray picks up the
remote, points it at the television.

RAY KINGSLEY
Do you mind?

Jenny stares off into space. The news comes on. Turning, she
sees Clayton's picture flash across the screen.

TELEVISION NEWSMAN
Five-year-old Clayton Kingsley,
missing from his home since early
this afternoon. If you have any
information, please call this
number.

A phone number flashes across the screen.

TELEVISION NEWSMAN (CONT’D)
Clayton was wearing blue shorts and
a white shirt.

RAY KINGSLEY
Damn them! They could have given us
a warning.
36.


Jerking to her feet, Jenny rushes out of the room.
RETCHING (os).


JENNY’S BATHROOM

Jenny kneels over the toilet, retching. Ray leans over her.

RAY KINGSLEY
Are you okay?

Jenny vomits violently.

She staggers to her feet. Ray wipes her face with a wet
washcloth.

He helps her out of the bathroom.


JENNY'S LIVING ROOM

Ray pours her a cup of tea.

RAY KINGSLEY
It’s cold. I’ll make a fresh pot.
Something hot would be good for
you.

He leaves the living room, returning shortly with a fresh pot
of tea.

Jenny drinks the tea then leans back and closes her eyes.
Ray sits at the other end of the sofa, neither speaks nor
touches the other.


JENNY'S FRONT DOOR - DAY

KNOCKING at the front door. Ray rushes to answer it. Officer
Charlton is back.

RAY KINGSLEY
Have you found him?

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
We’ve had several calls since the
news release, but nothing has
panned out yet.


JENNY'S LIVING ROOM

Ray, Jenny, and Charlton sit in the living room.
37.


OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Have you thought of anything that
might be helpful? Anyone hanging
around? Someone with a grudge?

Jenny shakes her head.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON (CONT’D)
The National Centre for Missing
Children is checking for suspected
predators within a hundred-mile
radius.
(beat)
I want you to come to the station
tomorrow morning. Look at some
photos.

JENNY
He has to be back tonight! He's
afraid of the dark.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
I’ll have one of my deputies come
and get you. Probably sometime
after nine.

JENNY
I'll be ready.

RAY KINGSLEY
What can I do? This waiting around
is killing me.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
If we don’t find him by morning, we
have a search party organized. Come
to the Community Centre at six-
thirty.

Ray lurches forward.

RAY KINGSLEY
What about now? Tonight?

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Helicopters are searching the area
outside of town, the woods, the
farms. They’ve got infrared sensors
to pick up body heat.

He pauses before speaking again.
38.


OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON (CONT’D)
I want the media to interview you.
The personal touch will draw people
into the search. The more
volunteers, the better.

JENNY
No one knows us. I've only lived
here a few months.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Scottsville's a great community.
People will come out. Especially
for a missing child.

JENNY
When will the media be here?

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Within the hour. The interview
should only take a few minutes.
I’ll stay and make sure they don’t
harass you.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Jenny and Ray are preparing tea when a news report about the disappearance of Clayton Kingsley, Ray's ex-wife's son, breaks. Jenny is deeply affected by the news and vomits. Officer Charlton arrives and informs them about the lack of leads and encourages them to participate in the evening's search party and a media interview the next morning. The scene ends with Officer Charlton leaving, leaving the couple grappling with the unsettling news and the uncertainty of Clayton's whereabouts.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension and suspense
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Reliance on exposition

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the high stakes and emotional impact of Clayton's disappearance, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome. The tension and suspense are well-executed, creating a sense of urgency and concern for the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a child going missing and the subsequent search and investigation is a compelling and relatable premise that drives the narrative forward. The scene effectively explores the emotional and psychological impact of such a traumatic event on the characters involved.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a clear focus on the central conflict of Clayton's disappearance. The progression of events, from the initial discovery of Clayton missing to the involvement of the police and search efforts, keeps the story moving forward and maintains the audience's interest.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar theme of a missing child but adds a unique perspective through Jenny's internal conflict and the community's response.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, particularly Jenny and Ray, are portrayed with depth and emotion, allowing the audience to empathize with their struggles and fears. Their interactions and reactions to the situation add layers to the narrative and contribute to the overall tension of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters, particularly Jenny, undergo significant emotional changes throughout the scene as they grapple with the trauma of Clayton's disappearance. Jenny's fear and desperation drive her actions and decisions, leading to a shift in her relationship with Ray and the police officers.

Internal Goal: 8

Jenny's internal goal is to find the missing child, which reflects her compassion, fear, and sense of responsibility.

External Goal: 7

Jenny's external goal is to cooperate with law enforcement and media to help find the missing child, reflecting the immediate challenge she is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, driven by the central conflict of Clayton's disappearance and the subsequent search efforts. The tension between Jenny, Ray, and the police officers adds layers of interpersonal conflict, heightening the emotional stakes of the narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the uncertainty of finding the missing child and the emotional turmoil faced by the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, as the characters grapple with the uncertainty and fear surrounding Clayton's disappearance. The emotional, psychological, and narrative stakes are clearly defined, driving the urgency and tension of the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing the central conflict of Clayton's disappearance, establishing the search efforts and investigation, and setting up the emotional and narrative stakes for the rest of the screenplay. The progression of events keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in terms of the outcome of the search efforts and Jenny's emotional journey.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the tension between personal responsibility and community involvement. Jenny struggles with her own fears and emotions while also being urged to participate in the community search efforts.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a significant emotional impact on the audience, eliciting feelings of fear, worry, and empathy for the characters involved. The portrayal of Jenny's distress and desperation, as well as Ray's frustration and concern, resonates with the audience and creates a sense of emotional investment in the outcome.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, motivations, and relationships, adding depth to the scene. The exchanges between Jenny, Ray, and the police officers are realistic and engaging, enhancing the overall impact of the narrative.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional intensity, suspenseful plot development, and relatable characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, adhering to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension and emotional climax, fitting the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Jenny slipping on her boxing gloves and punching the bag, which sets a tone of frustration and tension. However, the transition to her making coffee, tea, and sandwiches feels abrupt and lacks a smooth connection to the previous action.
  • The news report about Clayton's disappearance on television triggers a strong physical reaction from Jenny, leading to her retching and vomiting. While this shows her extreme distress, the scene could benefit from a more nuanced portrayal of her emotions.
  • The interaction between Ray and Jenny in the bathroom lacks depth and emotional resonance. Ray's actions of wiping her face with a wet washcloth and pouring her tea come across as generic gestures of care, missing an opportunity to delve into their complex relationship dynamics.
  • The dialogue between Officer Charlton and Jenny feels somewhat forced, with the officer asking leading questions and Jenny's responses lacking depth. There is a missed opportunity to explore Jenny's internal turmoil and fears more deeply in this interaction.
  • The scene ends with the plan for a media interview and a search party, which adds a sense of urgency and community involvement. However, the transition from the intense emotions of the earlier part of the scene to the logistical planning feels somewhat disjointed.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the transition between Jenny's boxing session and her domestic activities to create a more seamless flow of action and emotion.
  • Explore Jenny's emotional journey more deeply during the news report scene, focusing on her internal turmoil and fears rather than just physical reactions.
  • Enhance the interaction between Ray and Jenny in the bathroom to reveal more about their relationship and the complexities of their emotions in this high-stress situation.
  • Develop the dialogue between Officer Charlton and Jenny to delve into Jenny's inner thoughts and fears, adding layers to her character and the unfolding crisis.
  • Work on creating a smoother transition between the intense emotional moments and the logistical planning at the end of the scene to maintain a cohesive narrative flow.



Scene 13 -  The Media Storm
INT. JENNY'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

The media arrives, hoisting television cameras, tripods,
electrical cords, lights.

A whisper-thin, Prada-dressed RHONDA FLEMING, early 30’s,
made up to the nines, approaches Charlton.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
This is Rhonda Fleming of WSTO.

She extends her hand to Ray.

RHONDA FLEMING
I’m sorry about your son.

Rhonda scrutinizes the couch and chairs before sitting on the
arm of a chair. She waves to the others as to where they
should sit.

RHONDA FLEMING (CONT’D)
What can you tell me about him? I
know he’s six...

JENNY
Five. He’s five. He’ll be six
October nineteenth...
39.


RHONDA FLEMING
Yes. Yes. He has blond hair, blue
eyes, and is about four feet tall.

Jenny shakes her head.

JENNY
He’s three feet tall!

RHONDA FLEMING
He was wearing blue shorts and a
shirt with animals on it.

JENNY
A white shirt with three puppy dogs
in a basket.

Rhonda's eyes narrow.

RHONDA FLEMING
Three puppy dogs. Right.

Rhonda nods to the cameramen then crosses to the couch,
motioning Jenny to slide over.

She sits between Jenny and Ray.

The cameraman hands her a microphone.

Incandescent lights illuminate the room. Rhonda dons her
camera smile.

RHONDA FLEMING (CONT’D)
This is Rhonda Fleming from
Scottsville where five-year-old
Clayton Kingsley went missing
earlier today.

She waves her hand toward Ray, then Jenny.

RHONDA FLEMING (CONT’D)
These are his parents, Jennifer and
Raymond Kingsley.

Jenny starts as the camera pans to her.

RHONDA FLEMING (CONT’D)
Clayton has blond hair and blue
eyes. He was wearing blue shorts
and a white shirt embossed with
puppy dogs. He's four feet, sorry
three feet tall, and weighs forty
pounds.
40.


Jenny uses the back of her hand to wipe away tears. The
cameraman focuses on her for several seconds.

RHONDA FLEMING (CONT’D)
Officer Charlton? Can you tell us
anything about the investigation?

The camera scans to Officer Charlton.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
We‘re doing everything possible to
find Clayton but we are asking for
your help. If anyone has seen the
child or knows anything that might
help us, please call the hotline
number.

RHONDA FLEMING
Officer Charlton, do you think he’s
wandered off? Or do you suspect
foul play?

Jenny GASPS. Her hand goes to her mouth.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
It’s too early to say.

RHONDA FLEMING
Was it an abduction?

Charlton looks annoyed.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
As I said, at this point, we have
no reason to think that.

RHONDA FLEMING
Is there a possibility?

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Miss Fleming, abduction is always a
possibility.

Charlton turns from Rhonda to face the camera.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON (CONT’D)
We have no suspects, and no
witnesses. Please, come forward if
you have anything that might be
helpful.

A phone number flashes across the TV screen
41.


OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON (CONT’D)
An extended search has been
organized in case Clayton isn’t
found by morning. Anyone wishing to
help should come to the Community
Centre at six-thirty.

RHONDA FLEMING
Thank you, Officer Charlton.

The camera pans from the detective to Rhonda, Ray and Jenny.

RHONDA FLEMING (CONT’D)
Please call 1-800-541-2222 with any
information.

The camera zooms in on Jenny, Rhonda, and Ray then suddenly
the bright lights shut off putting the room in semi-darkness.

The media and detectives leave. Jenny and Ray continue to sit
unspeaking on the couch.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Crime"]

Summary Reporters from WSTO descend upon Jenny and Ray's home, aggressively interviewing them about their missing son, Clayton. Rhonda Fleming, the reporter, pushes for details, causing tension with Officer Charlton who attempts to guide the interview towards finding Clayton. The scene ends with the media leaving, leaving Jenny and Ray alone in a tense and anxious silence.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Emotional depth
  • Compelling premise
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel repetitive or expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome. The introduction of the media adds a sense of urgency and the unknown, enhancing the mystery surrounding Clayton's disappearance.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a missing child and the subsequent media coverage and police investigation is a compelling and high-stakes premise that drives the scene forward. The introduction of the media adds a layer of complexity and tension to the situation.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the disappearance of Clayton Kingsley and the subsequent media coverage and police investigation. The introduction of the media adds a new dimension to the plot, increasing the stakes and tension.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the familiar trope of a missing child investigation by focusing on the emotional toll on the parents. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Jenny, Ray, and Officer Charlton are well-developed and convey a range of emotions, from fear and concern to determination and suspicion. Their interactions drive the scene forward and add depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

Jenny and Ray both undergo emotional changes throughout the scene, from shock and disbelief to determination and resolve. Their reactions to Clayton's disappearance reveal new facets of their characters and drive the narrative forward.

Internal Goal: 8

Jenny's internal goal in this scene is to maintain composure and provide information about her missing son while dealing with the emotional turmoil of the situation. Her desire to find her son and her fear of the unknown are reflected in her actions and dialogue.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to cooperate with the media and law enforcement in the search for her missing son. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with the public scrutiny and pressure of the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene arises from the mystery of Clayton's disappearance, the media scrutiny, and the police investigation. The tension between the characters, particularly Jenny and Ray, adds to the conflict and keeps the audience on edge.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations driving the characters' interactions.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, as a young child is missing and the characters are desperate to find him. The media attention, police investigation, and emotional turmoil all contribute to the sense of urgency and importance of the situation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new elements, such as the media coverage and police investigation, and escalating the tension and stakes of Clayton's disappearance. The audience is left wanting to know more and see how the situation unfolds.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters and the uncertain outcome of the missing child investigation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the tension between public perception and private grief. Jenny and Ray must navigate the demands of the media while coping with their personal anguish over their missing child.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, eliciting feelings of fear, sadness, and hope in the audience. Jenny's distress, Ray's frustration, and Officer Charlton's determination all contribute to the emotional depth of the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and information necessary for the scene, from Jenny's tearful descriptions of Clayton to Officer Charlton's official statements to the media. The dialogue keeps the scene moving and the audience engaged.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, dramatic tension, and compelling character dynamics.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively balancing exposition, dialogue, and action to advance the plot.


Critique
  • The scene effectively sets up the media presence and the interview with Rhonda Fleming, creating a sense of urgency and public awareness about Clayton's disappearance.
  • The dialogue between Rhonda, Officer Charlton, and the parents provides important information about Clayton's appearance and the ongoing investigation.
  • Jenny's emotional reaction to the interview is well portrayed, adding depth to her character and highlighting the impact of Clayton's disappearance on her.
  • The tension between Officer Charlton and Rhonda adds a layer of conflict and uncertainty to the scene, keeping the audience engaged.
  • The use of lighting to shift the mood from bright to semi-darkness at the end of the scene effectively conveys the somber and uncertain atmosphere surrounding Clayton's disappearance.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal conflict or emotional depth to Ray's character during the interview to show his struggle with the situation.
  • Explore Jenny's internal thoughts and feelings more to give the audience a deeper understanding of her emotional state.
  • Introduce a subtle hint or clue during the interview that could potentially lead to a new development in the investigation, adding intrigue and suspense to the storyline.
  • Consider incorporating a brief interaction between Jenny and Rhonda after the interview to show a different perspective on the media's role in the situation.
  • End the scene with a subtle hint or foreshadowing of what's to come next, building anticipation for the following scenes.



Scene 14 -  Lost and Alone
INT. JENNY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

The sun has set. Jenny and Ray sit in stunned silence.

RAY KINGSLEY
Do you want the TV on? To see the
news?

JENNY
I couldn't.

RAY KINGSLEY
Do you mind if I put it on?

JENNY
What's wrong with you? Our son is
missing and you want to watch TV.
Watch us make a spectacle of
ourselves.

RAY KINGSLEY
Don't make me feel like a monster.
I care about him, too.

JENNY
Well, you sure haven't shown it!
(beat)
For all I know, you could have
taken him to get back at me.

Jenny gets up, glares at Ray.
42.


JENNY (CONT’D)
Did you, Ray? Did you take him?

Anger contorts Ray’s face. He jumps off the couch and
approaches Jenny. His fists are clenched.

Jenny leans away from him but stands her ground.

RAY KINGSLEY
You bitch! No, I didn’t take him.

Jenny turns away.

Deflated, Ray’s shoulders drop and the anger drains from his
body.

JENNY
I'm tired. I’ll make up a bed for
you in the spare room. Mom is
coming tomorrow.


CLAYTON'S BEDROOM

Jenny leans on the doorframe of Clayton's bedroom. She tip-
toes inside, scanning the room - the closet, the dresser, the
toy box, the empty bed.

Stumbling to the bed, she picks up the stuffed bear that sits
propped against the pillow and hugs it.

JENNY
Oh, Frazer, where is he? Where is
our boy?

Slumping to the floor, she leans her head against the clown-
covered quilt and lets the stuffed bear absorb her tears.

Ray enters the room. He pulls Jenny to her feet and holds
her.

RAY KINGSLEY
They'll find him, Jenny. I know
they will.

Jenny wipes at her tears.

JENNY
I forgot the sheets.

RAY KINGSLEY
Never mind, I don't need them.
43.


JENNY
It might get cold.

Jenny's hand goes to her mouth.

JENNY (CONT’D)
He'll be cold, Ray. He'll need a
blanket.

RAY KINGSLEY
Leaving was a mistake. Let’s try
again. We can make it work.

Jenny pulls away, shaking her head.

JENNY
I can’t think straight. When
Clayton is home...then we can talk.

RAY KINGSLEY
I need you. I’ll change. I will.

Jenny crosses to the door.

JENNY
Not now, Ray.

She exits the bedroom.

Ray stays, picking up the stuffed bear, he looks around
Clayton’s room. He wipes a tear away.


JENNY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Still dressed, Jenny crawls into the bed and lets Ray pull
the covers over her.

RAY KINGSLEY
Do you want me to stay?

JENNY
Please, go.

He turns out the light and leaves.


CLAYTON'S BEDROOM

Entering Clayton's bedroom, Ray crosses to the bed.

He sits with his head in his hands and weeps.
44.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Jenny and Ray, overwhelmed with grief after their son Clayton's disappearance, find themselves at odds. Jenny blames Ray for Clayton's absence, accusing him of taking him, while Ray desperately tries to comfort her. Despite his efforts, Jenny remains inconsolable and rejects his attempts at reconciliation. As the night deepens, they retreat to separate bedrooms, leaving a lingering sense of despair and uncertainty. Ray, unable to bear the weight of their loss, seeks solace in Clayton's room, where he breaks down in tears.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Realistic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, drawing the audience in with its emotional depth and suspenseful atmosphere. The performances and dialogue are compelling, creating a sense of urgency and tension.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a child going missing and the subsequent emotional turmoil of the parents is a powerful and relatable theme. The scene effectively explores the complexities of family relationships and the fear of the unknown.

Plot: 9

The plot is gripping and keeps the audience engaged throughout. The mystery of the missing child drives the narrative forward, while also delving into the characters' past and present struggles.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh approach to the familiar theme of a missing child, focusing on the emotional impact on the parents and their relationship. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions feel authentic. The audience can empathize with their pain and fear, making the scene emotionally resonant.

Character Changes: 8

Both Jenny and Ray experience emotional shifts in the scene, revealing new layers to their characters and their relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

Jenny's internal goal in this scene is to find her son and come to terms with her emotions surrounding his disappearance. She is grappling with feelings of guilt, fear, and anger, which reflect her deeper needs for security and family.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to find her missing son and navigate the strained relationship with her husband. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges she is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Jenny and Ray, as well as the overarching conflict of the missing child, creates a high level of tension and drama in the scene.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Jenny and Ray's conflicting emotions and perspectives creating a sense of uncertainty and tension for the audience.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of a missing child and the strained relationship between Jenny and Ray heighten the tension and drama of the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly advances the plot by introducing a major crisis and raising the stakes for the characters. It propels the narrative forward with a sense of urgency.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the emotional twists and turns in the characters' interactions, keeping the audience on edge about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around trust, communication, and the complexities of relationships. Jenny and Ray's differing perspectives on their son's disappearance challenge their beliefs about each other and their marriage.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene is emotionally devastating, evoking strong feelings of sadness, fear, and empathy. The audience is deeply invested in the characters' plight.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and realistic, capturing the raw emotions of the characters. It effectively conveys the tension and conflict between Jenny and Ray.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, intimate character moments, and the suspense surrounding the missing child.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing for moments of quiet reflection and intense confrontation to resonate with the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre and enhancing the readability of the script.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively building tension and emotional depth through the characters' interactions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension and emotional turmoil between Jenny and Ray as they grapple with the disappearance of their son. The dialogue is raw and emotional, reflecting the deep-seated issues in their relationship.
  • The conflict between Jenny and Ray is palpable, with accusations and anger bubbling to the surface. This adds layers to their characters and creates a sense of unease for the audience.
  • The visual descriptions help set the tone of the scene, from the stunned silence to the emotional outbursts. The use of close-ups and actions like Jenny hugging the stuffed bear add depth to the characters' emotions.
  • The scene effectively conveys the sense of helplessness and desperation felt by the characters, particularly Jenny, as they grapple with the uncertainty of Clayton's whereabouts.
  • The ending of the scene leaves the audience with a sense of unresolved tension and emotional turmoil, setting the stage for further developments in the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal monologue or introspection from Jenny and Ray to provide insight into their thoughts and feelings during this intense moment.
  • Explore the possibility of incorporating flashbacks or memories to shed light on the dynamics of Jenny and Ray's relationship and how it may have contributed to Clayton's disappearance.
  • Enhance the physical actions and gestures of the characters to further emphasize their emotional state and the intensity of the scene.
  • Consider adding a moment of vulnerability or reflection for Ray to showcase his internal struggles and complexities as a character.
  • Continue to build on the suspense and emotional depth of the scene by gradually revealing more about Clayton's disappearance and the impact it has on Jenny and Ray.



Scene 15 -  Waiting for News
INT. JENNY'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jenny wakes. She is groggy, her eyes puffy and dark-circled.
She lies for several seconds before the realization hits her.
She jumps out of bed and hurries out of the room.


JENNY'S KITCHEN

Jenny grabs a card off the kitchen table and dials the phone.

JENNY
Officer Charlton, please.

POLICE RECEPTIONIST (V.O.)
He’s out right now. Can I take a
message?

JENNY
It’s Jenny Kingsley. Is there any
news?

POLICE RECEPTIONIST (V.O.)
Sorry, Mrs. Kingsley, not yet. But
half the town is out looking. I’ll
have Officer Charlton call you.

JENNY
Thanks.

Jenny drops the phone into its cradle then slumps into a
kitchen chair. She notices a note on the table.

INSERT NOTE
Gone to the Community Centre. Will
be back later to drive you to the
bus station. Ray

RAPPING. Jenny crosses to the back door. Myrtle Townsend
holds two large containers. Jenny lets her in.

MYRTLE
I came to see how you were doing.
And I brought a little something.

She places containers of muffins and cookies on the table.

JENNY
You didn't have to.

MYRTLE
I had to do something.

Myrtle shrugs.
45.


MYRTLE (CONT’D)
I guess you haven't heard anything?

Jenny shakes her head. Tears threaten.

MYRTLE (CONT’D)
Let it all out.

Myrtle pulls her into her arms.

MYRTLE (CONT’D)
Everything will be fine. You just
wait and see. They’ll have the lad
home soon.

Myrtle rocks her gently, continuing to make soothing
reassurances. Jenny lets herself cry until there are no tears
left.

MYRTLE (CONT’D)
You sit. I’ll make us a spot of
tea.

Myrtle busies herself making tea and laying out some muffins
while Jenny sits at the kitchen table. She fingers the note
Ray left on the table. Myrtle sets the teapot on the table,
squeezing Jenny's shoulder.

MYRTLE (CONT’D)
Whatever you need. Just ask.

Jenny stares out the window.

JENNY
Thanks, Myrtle. You don't know how
much that means.

Tears glisten in Jenny's eyes. She pulls a flower-embroidered
handkerchief out of her pocket and dabs her eyes.

JENNY (CONT’D)
This was my grandmother’s. I
remember her sitting in her rocking
chair -- she was always doing some
needlework project.

MYRTLE
She did a lovely job on that.
Violets are my favorite flowers.

JENNY
They were Gram’s favorite, too.
46.


Jenny sips the tea. She nibbles at a muffin before putting it
back on the plate.

MYRTLE
I bet you've hardly eaten.

Jenny puts her hand to her stomach.

JENNY
As soon as I try to eat ... I just
want to throw up.

MYRTLE
You need to keep up your strength.

JENNY
I can't.

Shrugging her shoulders, she looks at Myrtle.

JENNY (CONT’D)
I need Clayton home. He's all I’ve
got.

MYRTLE
Is anyone going to be with you
today?

JENNY
Ray, he was ... is ... my husband.
We’re separated. He’s with the
search party. And my mother --
she’s coming later.

MYRTLE
I’m glad someone will be with you.
Steve’s out looking too.

Myrtle pats her hand.

JENNY
I have to go to the police station
whenever the deputy arrives. But if
you could stay till then?

They sit at the table drinking their tea. KNOCKING at the
front door.

MYRTLE
Would you like me to get it?

Jenny has already jumped out of the chair. She looks at
Myrtle, her voice shaky.
47.


JENNY
Come with me?
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Jenny, deeply distressed over her missing son Clayton, wakes up feeling exhausted and anxious. She calls the police station for updates on the search, finding no new information. Her neighbor, Myrtle, brings her muffins and offers support, attempting to comfort Jenny as she worries about her son. Jenny expresses her fear and desire for Clayton's return, clutching her grandmother's embroidered handkerchief. Just as she prepares to go to the police station, a knock on the door leaves the audience in suspense, wondering who it could be and what news they bring.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Supportive relationship between Jenny and Myrtle
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight of the situation and sets up a strong foundation for future developments.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a mother dealing with the disappearance of her child is a powerful and relatable one, drawing the audience in emotionally.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Jenny grapples with the reality of Clayton's disappearance and receives support from Myrtle.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh approach to the theme of loss and community support, with authentic character interactions and realistic dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Jenny and Myrtle are well-developed characters with distinct personalities that drive the emotional core of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Jenny experiences a shift in her emotional state, moving from shock to acceptance with the support of Myrtle.

Internal Goal: 8

Jenny's internal goal is to find strength and hope in the face of uncertainty and fear. She is struggling with the disappearance of someone close to her and is seeking comfort and reassurance.

External Goal: 7

Jenny's external goal is to gather information about the search for Clayton and to prepare for her visit to the police station. She is also seeking emotional support from Myrtle.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict is primarily internal for Jenny, as she struggles with her emotions and the uncertainty of Clayton's whereabouts.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle, with the emotional turmoil and uncertainty serving as the main obstacles for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of Clayton's disappearance create tension and urgency in the scene, driving the emotional impact.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene doesn't significantly move the plot forward, it deepens the emotional stakes and sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the uncertainty surrounding Clayton's disappearance and the emotional turmoil experienced by Jenny.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of hope and despair, as Jenny grapples with the uncertainty of Clayton's whereabouts and the emotional turmoil of his disappearance.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly empathy and sadness for Jenny's situation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is emotional and supportive, reflecting the tone of the scene and the characters' relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters, the sense of suspense surrounding Clayton's disappearance, and the intimate interactions between Jenny and Myrtle.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing for moments of reflection and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a dramatic scene, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys Jenny's emotional turmoil and distress over her missing son, Clayton. Her interactions with Myrtle show a supportive and caring relationship, adding depth to Jenny's character.
  • The use of visual cues, such as Jenny's puffy eyes and dark circles, her slumping into a chair, and her tears, effectively convey her emotional state to the audience.
  • The dialogue between Jenny and Myrtle feels natural and authentic, showcasing Myrtle's empathy and Jenny's vulnerability.
  • The scene effectively builds tension and suspense with the arrival of the knock at the door, leaving the audience wondering about the upcoming interaction.
  • The use of the flower-embroidered handkerchief as a sentimental object from Jenny's grandmother adds a layer of emotional depth to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal monologue or thoughts from Jenny to provide insight into her feelings and thoughts about Clayton's disappearance.
  • Explore incorporating more sensory details to enhance the emotional impact of the scene, such as describing the taste of the tea or the scent of the muffins.
  • Consider adding a moment of reflection or introspection for Jenny to further explore her emotional journey and the impact of Clayton's absence on her.
  • Think about incorporating subtle hints or foreshadowing to build anticipation for the upcoming interaction at the door, adding to the suspense of the scene.
  • Consider exploring the dynamic between Jenny and Myrtle further, delving into their relationship and how Myrtle's presence provides comfort and support for Jenny.



Scene 16 -  The Familiar Face
INT. STEVE TOWNSEND’S HOUSE - DAY

Steve stands at the kitchen window. He pours a cup of coffee
while watching the police arrive at Jenny's house.

STEVE TOWNSEND
Oh, God. I hope they've found him.

Steve continues to watch out his kitchen window. He clenches
the coffee mug he is holding.

STEVE TOWNSEND (CONT’D)
(mutters to himself)
How long before the bastards are
knocking on my door?


INT. JENNY'S HOUSE - DAY

Jenny yanks the front door open, her face hopeful. Officer
Charlton is there. Behind him, media line the street.

JENNY
Have you...?

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
No, Ma’am, still no news.

Jenny lets Charlton into the house.


JENNY'S LIVING ROOM

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
We’ve canvassed the neighborhood.
Some people weren’t home and we’re
getting back to them. The search
has been expanded.

Jenny's shoulders sag.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON (CONT’D)
I came to take you to the station.
To look at some mug shots.

In the background, Myrtle gasps. Jenny, busy grabbing her
purse, doesn't notice.
48.


EXT. JENNY'S HOUSE - DAY

Jenny follows Charlton to the police car. The media rush
them. Charlton warns them back. Hovering close behind him,
Jenny follows the officer to the car.

MEDIA
Do you know who took your son?
Was it your husband?
Did you hurt him?
Did you kill him?
Where did you hide the body?


EXT/INT. POLICE CAR - DAY

Jenny slides into the back seat of the police car cowering
from the media peering through the windows and blocking the
car.

Officer Charlton backs slowly out of the driveway forcing the
media to move.


INT. POLICE STATION - INTERVIEW ROOM -DAY

Officer Charlton sits Jenny at a long table in an interview
room. There are three large black photo albums on the table.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
See if you recognize anyone. Maybe
the person who took him has been
hanging around your home, or places
you frequent.

Jenny glances at the clock. 9:15. Phones RING continuously in
the background. Jenny opens the first book of glossy black
and white photos.

JENNY
There are so many.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
We're having you look at all local
felons. Just in case you recognize
anyone.

Jenny flips through the pictures.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON (CONT’D)
I'll leave you with them.

A look of concern crosses her face.
49.


OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON (CONT’D)
I won't be long. I promise. Can I
get you a coffee?

JENNY
Just some water, please.

Her hands shake as she turns the pages of the first book.
Charlton returns with a bottle of water.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
How are you doing?

JENNY
Most of these people look so
normal. Not like anyone who’d take
a child.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Those books are everyone in our
system. Even an arrest for driving
impaired, or brought in for
questioning and detained.

Jenny turns the pages. She pauses, her attention caught by
something familiar. She stares at a photo. Her gaze flies to
the bottom of the page and she gasps.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON (CONT’D)
Do you recognize someone?

Jenny points to the picture.

JENNY
This looks like my neighbor, Steve.

Charlton glances at the page. He pauses as if debating
whether to speak or not.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
That happened a long time ago.
There was a misunderstanding with
his friend and his friend’s girl.
Steve unfortunately got pulled in.

He gives her a reassuring smile.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON (CONT’D)
I don’t think you have anything to
worry about. But, let me assure
you, we’ll be checking every lead
until your son is home.
50.


Jenny's finger slides off the page and she sinks into the
chair.

JENNY
I want to go home.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Can you look at a few more? It’s
important.

Jenny goes back to turning pages.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON (CONT’D)
I’ll be back shortly to take you
home.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary As police continue searching for Jenny's missing son, her anxiety mounts. When presented with mugshots at the police station, Jenny is startled to recognize her neighbor, Steve Townsend, as a potential suspect. Officer Charlton reassures her that Steve's past involvement was a misunderstanding, but Jenny's suspicion remains, adding another layer of tension to her already desperate situation.
Strengths
  • Building suspense
  • Emotional depth
  • Mystery elements
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense, conveys the emotional distress of the characters, and keeps the audience engaged with the mystery of the missing child.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a missing child and the investigation into his disappearance is compelling and drives the plot forward.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with the search for the missing child driving the action and creating tension.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar premise of a missing child investigation but adds a unique twist with the neighbor's potential involvement, creating a sense of unpredictability and intrigue.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined, with Jenny's emotional turmoil and Officer Charlton's determination standing out.

Character Changes: 7

Jenny experiences a range of emotions, from hope to despair, showing a significant change in her character.

Internal Goal: 8

Steve's internal goal is to avoid suspicion and protect his own secrets, as indicated by his nervousness and concern when the police arrive at Jenny's house.

External Goal: 7

Jenny's external goal is to find her missing son, as she cooperates with the police investigation and looks through mug shots for potential suspects.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Jenny, the police, and the media adds tension to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Jenny facing external challenges from the media and internal conflicts as she searches for her son.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of a missing child and the urgency to find him create a sense of danger and importance.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by advancing the search for the missing child and revealing new information.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist involving the neighbor's potential connection to the missing child, keeping the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the tension between trust and suspicion, as Jenny must navigate her own doubts and fears while cooperating with the police investigation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly fear and empathy for the characters.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and serves to convey the emotions and tensions between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional tension, and suspenseful atmosphere created by the writer's voice and character interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a suspenseful investigation scene, with clear progression and development of the plot.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys the tension and anxiety surrounding Clayton's disappearance through the interactions between Jenny and Officer Charlton.
  • The media's intrusive and insensitive questions add to the sense of chaos and pressure Jenny is under, creating a realistic portrayal of the media's role in such situations.
  • Jenny's emotional state is well portrayed through her actions, such as cowering from the media and shaking hands while looking at the mug shots.
  • The revelation of Steve's past adds an intriguing layer to the scene, hinting at potential suspects without giving away too much.
  • The scene effectively builds suspense and keeps the audience engaged through the uncertainty of whether Jenny will recognize anyone in the mug shots.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for Jenny to further deepen her character and provide insight into her state of mind.
  • Explore the dynamic between Jenny and Officer Charlton further to showcase their evolving relationship and the impact of Clayton's disappearance on both of them.
  • Introduce subtle hints or clues that may foreshadow future developments in the story, such as Steve's past or the media's persistent questioning.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more vivid and immersive setting, capturing the intensity of the moment and the surroundings.
  • Consider incorporating more sensory details to evoke a stronger emotional response from the audience and enhance the atmosphere of the scene.



Scene 17 -  The Arrival
INT. JENNY'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Ray arrives at four. Jenny rushes to greet him.

JENNY
Any news?

RAY KINGSLEY
We better get going. Your mother
won’t be happy if we’re late.

A look passes between them.

JENNY
At least she's coming.

Ray shrugs.


EXT. BUS STATION - DAY

Jenny and Ray wait on the platform outside the bus station.

RAY KINGSLEY
Don't let her get to you.

JENNY
She won’t be like that. Not now.

Ray shrugs.

RAY KINGSLEY
I'm just saying.

JENNY
She'll be fine. She has to be.
51.


Jenny rubs the back of her neck. Her posture is stiff. She
startles at the sound of an approaching bus.

They watch as passengers exit the bus.

Jenny inhales sharply as GLADYS MARTIN, (late 50’s), tightly
curled grey hair, large purple glasses, paisley jacket, and
black rayon pants, pushes through the crowd.

The woman’s cigarette-stained fingers clutch a large flowered
purse and matching rolling bag.

Jenny rushes toward her, throwing her arms around her. She
clings to her. Gladys pats her back, then disentangles
herself.

GLADYS
Hello, Ray.

Ray nods. Gladys nods back, then turns to Jenny.

GLADYS (CONT’D)
You look pale. And thin too.

JENNY
Mom, Clayton’s missing.

GLADYS
That's why I came.

JENNY
I hope the ride wasn't too bad.

GLADYS
I hate buses!

RAY KINGSLEY
The car's this way.

JENNY
How’s Dad?

GLADYS
Same as usual. Tied to his damned
oxygen tank. He wanted to come.
Told him he’d just be in the way.

JENNY
I wish he ...

GLADYS
People would be tripping over that
damned oxygen tubing.
(MORE)
52.
GLADYS (CONT’D)
Besides, he’s too weak to lug that
tank around. Call him later.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Jenny and Ray nervously await Gladys' arrival at the bus station. Upon her arrival, Jenny informs Gladys that Clayton is missing. While Gladys expresses concern, her focus is on her own discomfort and her husband's health. Tensions arise as Gladys' anxieties overshadow Jenny's worries about Clayton. The scene ends with Gladys dismissing Jenny's concern for her father and Ray suggesting they call him later.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of resolution
  • Heavy emotional focus

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight of the situation and sets up a tense atmosphere with the arrival of Jenny's mother. The dialogue and interactions between the characters add depth to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of family dynamics and coping with a crisis is well portrayed in the scene, showing the complexities of relationships and the impact of a traumatic event.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Jenny's mother arrives, adding a new layer of tension and emotion to the story. The scene sets up potential conflicts and resolutions for future developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar family drama scenario but adds depth through nuanced character interactions and emotional subtext. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, each with their own motivations and emotional struggles. Their interactions reveal deeper layers of their personalities and relationships.

Character Changes: 7

Jenny's emotional turmoil and strained relationship with her mother show a potential for character growth and development. The scene sets the stage for possible changes in their dynamics.

Internal Goal: 8

Jenny's internal goal is to navigate her complicated relationship with her mother and deal with the stress of her father's health issues. This reflects her deeper need for family connection and stability.

External Goal: 7

Jenny's external goal is to ensure her mother's safe arrival and address her concerns about her missing brother. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges she's facing in her family.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters, especially Jenny and her mother, adds tension to the scene. The uncertainty surrounding Clayton's disappearance also creates a sense of urgency and conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, but not overwhelming to the point of overshadowing the characters' emotional arcs.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of Clayton's disappearance and the strained family relationships raise the tension and urgency of the scene. The characters' emotional turmoil adds to the sense of high stakes.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and emotional stakes. It sets up future developments and resolutions in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat predictable in terms of family drama tropes, but the nuanced character interactions add an element of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is evident in the differing perspectives on family responsibility and care. Jenny wants her mother's support, while Gladys prioritizes her husband's needs over her daughter's.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly sadness and worry. The characters' reactions and the gravity of the situation contribute to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is realistic and impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and conflicts effectively. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the storytelling.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the emotional tension between the characters and the unfolding family drama.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, contributing to its overall effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following industry standards for screenplay format.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a domestic drama genre, with clear scene transitions and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a sense of urgency and emotional depth considering the gravity of the situation - Jenny's son is missing. There is a disconnect between the characters' dialogue and actions, which diminishes the impact of the scene.
  • The interaction between Jenny, Ray, and Gladys feels superficial and lacks emotional depth. The dialogue is somewhat mundane and does not effectively convey the tension and anxiety that should be present in this situation.
  • The dialogue feels forced and lacks authenticity, especially in moments where the characters should be expressing heightened emotions. There is a missed opportunity to explore the complex dynamics between Jenny, Ray, and Gladys in a more meaningful way.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues and descriptive language to create a more immersive and engaging atmosphere. Details about the characters' body language, facial expressions, and surroundings could enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Overall, the scene needs to be revised to better capture the emotional turmoil and tension of a mother waiting for news about her missing child. The dialogue and interactions should be more authentic and reflective of the characters' internal struggles.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal monologue or introspective moments for Jenny to convey her inner turmoil and anxiety about her missing son.
  • Enhance the dialogue to reflect the emotional intensity of the situation, with characters expressing their fears, frustrations, and hopes more openly.
  • Include more sensory details and visual cues to create a vivid and immersive setting that enhances the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Explore the relationships between Jenny, Ray, and Gladys in more depth, delving into their past conflicts, unresolved issues, and shared history to add layers to their interactions.
  • Revise the scene to focus on the emotional core of the characters, emphasizing their vulnerabilities, fears, and hopes in the face of a challenging situation.



Scene 18 -  Clash of Generations
EXT. BUS STATION PARKING LOT - DAY

Ray opens the passenger door of a 1970 red Mustang. Gladys
gets in the front seat leaving the back seat for Jenny.


INT/EXT. RAY’S CAR - DAY

Ray starts the car. Gladys examines the interior of the car.

GLADYS
Nice ride, Ray. You always did like
your cars.

Ray shoots a look at Gladys but says nothing.

GLADYS (CONT’D)
So, what are the police doing to
find my grandson?

RAY KINGSLEY
Everything they can. The media,
search parties, posters --

GLADYS
But they still haven't found him?

RAY KINGSLEY
Not yet.

Gladys snorts. Ray starts the car and pulls out of the
parking lot.


EXT. JENNY'S HOUSE - DAY

Ray parks the car in the driveway. Gladys pauses to survey
the house.

GLADYS
How can you afford this big old
house? Taking on airs again, are
you?

JENNY
Mom, the house isn’t expensive.
The owner’s in a nursing home. His
son just wanted someone who wasn’t
going to destroy the place.
53.


Gladys peers at Jenny over the rim of her glasses.

GLADYS
Are you sure there aren’t other
catches?

JENNY
There are no other catches.

GLADYS
Well, it’s a bigger house than you
need, or can afford. You always did
think you deserved better.

JENNY
Mom --

GLADYS
Waste of time you dreaming about
going off to college. Got yourself
pregnant. Now, your son, and your
husband, that’s your job.

Jenny’s shoulders stiffen. She opens her mouth to say
something but the RINGING of the phone distracts her. She
runs toward the house.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Gladys picks up Jenny and her son from the bus station in Ray’s red Mustang. Upon arriving at Jenny’s house, Gladys expresses disapproval of its size and luxury, considering it inappropriate for Jenny’s current situation. She criticizes Jenny’s decision to become a stay-at-home mother instead of pursuing college. Jenny attempts to defend her choices, but the ringing phone interrupts the conversation, leaving the tension unresolved.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may come across as melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively portrays the escalating tensions and emotional turmoil within the family dynamic, creating a sense of urgency and conflict that keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of family dynamics and unresolved issues being brought to light during a crisis is well-executed, adding depth to the characters and the overall narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as the family struggles with the disappearance of Clayton, while also exploring the underlying tensions and conflicts within the family unit.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh take on family dynamics and explores themes of independence and self-fulfillment in a unique way.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Jenny, Ray, and Gladys each displaying distinct personalities and motivations that drive the emotional intensity of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo emotional turmoil and confrontations that lead to introspection and potential growth, especially in their relationships with each other.

Internal Goal: 8

Jenny's internal goal is to assert her independence and prove her mother wrong about her choices and capabilities.

External Goal: 7

Ray's external goal is to navigate the tense conversation between Gladys and Jenny and maintain peace.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Jenny, Ray, and Gladys is palpable, with accusations, resentments, and emotional outbursts heightening the tension and drama of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and high emotional stakes.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of Clayton's disappearance, coupled with the escalating tensions and emotional conflicts within the family, raise the stakes and intensify the urgency of finding him.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the emotional stakes, revealing character dynamics, and setting the stage for further developments in the search for Clayton.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the dialogue and the characters' actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between Gladys' traditional views on family roles and Jenny's desire for independence and self-fulfillment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, as the characters grapple with fear, grief, and unresolved family issues in the midst of Clayton's disappearance.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and confrontations between the characters, adding depth to their relationships and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict between the characters and the high stakes involved.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and maintains the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure that effectively conveys the tension and conflict between the characters.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Ray, Gladys, and Jenny feels a bit forced and on-the-nose, lacking subtlety and nuance in the interactions.
  • Gladys' character comes across as overly critical and one-dimensional, focusing more on her discomfort and judgment rather than genuine concern for her missing grandson.
  • The exposition about the house and Jenny's life choices feels heavy-handed and could be integrated more naturally into the conversation.
  • The tension between Jenny and her mother could be heightened by delving deeper into their conflicting emotions and history, adding layers to their relationship.
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and complexity, missing an opportunity to explore the characters' internal struggles and vulnerabilities.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding subtext to the dialogue to create more depth and intrigue in the interactions between the characters.
  • Develop Gladys' character beyond being simply critical and judgmental, adding layers to her personality and motivations.
  • Integrate the exposition about the house and Jenny's life choices more organically into the conversation, avoiding direct statements and instead revealing information through subtle cues.
  • Explore the underlying emotions and history between Jenny and her mother to add complexity to their relationship and enhance the dramatic tension.
  • Focus on creating a more emotionally resonant and nuanced scene by delving into the characters' internal struggles and vulnerabilities, allowing for a deeper connection with the audience.



Scene 19 -  The Ringing Phone
INT. JENNY'S KITCHEN - DAY

Jenny picks up the receiver and listens.

JENNY
No! No! I didn’t hurt him. I didn’t
kill my son. How can you say
something like that?

Ray rushes into the kitchen and grabs the phone.

RAY KINGSLEY
Who is this?

Jenny slumps against the kitchen wall.

Ray slams the phone down.

JENNY
(edging on hysteria)
Oh, Ray. They asked if I killed
him. They asked if I killed
Clayton!

Ray pulls her into his arms.
54.


RAY KINGSLEY
Damned perverts. Got nothing better
to do.

Ray looks over Jenny's shoulder. Gladys stands frozen in the
doorway as if she has just realized the seriousness of the
situation.

GLADYS
I'll make some coffee.

Jenny breaks away from Ray. Mechanically, she starts pulling
coffee and mugs out of the cupboards.

Gladys puts the kettle on the stove.

The phone RINGS. Jenny goes to answer it, but Ray shakes his
head. He answers it.

RAY KINGSLEY
Hello? No! We didn’t hurt our
child.

He slams the phone down.

The kettle WHISTLES. Gladys makes coffee and puts it on the
table. They sit silently at the kitchen table, drinking
coffee, each stealing an occasional glance at the phone,
praying it will ring, afraid it will.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Jenny receives a menacing phone call accusing her of harming her son, Clayton. Ray, trying to calm Jenny, assures the caller they haven't hurt their child. Despite their denials, another threatening call comes in shortly after, leaving them in a state of fear and paranoia. Gladys, witnessing the unsettling events, offers to make coffee, providing a silent presence as they anxiously await the next call.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Possible predictability in accusation plotline

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, drawing the audience in with its emotional intensity and high stakes.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a mother being accused of harming her missing son is gripping and sets the stage for a tense and emotional scene.

Plot: 9

The plot is driven by the accusation and the characters' reactions to it, creating a sense of urgency and emotional depth.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of accusations and trust within a family dynamic. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions are palpable, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Jenny experiences a range of emotions, from fear to anger to despair, showcasing her character development in the face of adversity.

Internal Goal: 8

Jenny's internal goal is to prove her innocence and defend herself against the accusations of harming her son. This reflects her deeper need for validation, trust, and protection.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the immediate crisis of being accused of harming her son and dealing with the consequences of these accusations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters, the accusation, and the uncertainty of Clayton's whereabouts heightens the tension in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The strong opposition in the scene comes from the accusations against the protagonist and the uncertainty of how the situation will be resolved, creating a sense of conflict and suspense.

High Stakes: 10

The accusation against Jenny and the search for her missing son raise the stakes to a critical level, adding urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major conflict and raising the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected accusations and the characters' reactions to them, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of trust, judgment, and the impact of accusations on relationships. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about her own innocence and the trustworthiness of those around her.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene is emotionally charged, evoking fear, anger, and sadness in the characters and the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and the escalating tension in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high emotional stakes, intense dialogue, and the sense of urgency in the characters' actions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' plight.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy dramatic scene, with clear character actions and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dramatic confrontation, building tension and conflict effectively.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a high level of tension and drama, with Jenny receiving a disturbing phone call accusing her of harming her son. This immediately grabs the audience's attention and sets a dark tone for the scene.
  • The dialogue between Jenny and Ray effectively conveys the panic and distress they are feeling, adding to the emotional intensity of the scene. However, the dialogue could be more nuanced to show a range of emotions and reactions.
  • The introduction of Gladys adds an interesting dynamic to the scene, but her response to the situation feels somewhat detached. There is an opportunity to explore her character further and how she reacts to the unfolding events.
  • The physical actions of the characters, such as Jenny slumping against the wall and Ray pulling her into his arms, help to convey the heightened emotions and stress they are experiencing. These actions could be further emphasized to enhance the dramatic impact of the scene.
  • The silence at the kitchen table, with each character stealing glances at the phone, effectively conveys the sense of fear and anticipation. This moment of quiet tension adds depth to the scene and builds suspense.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more layers to Gladys' character to make her response to the situation more impactful and reflective of her relationship with Jenny and Ray.
  • Explore the emotional range of the characters in their dialogue to show a deeper exploration of their feelings and reactions to the accusations and the situation.
  • Enhance the physical actions of the characters to heighten the dramatic impact of the scene and convey the intensity of their emotions.
  • Consider adding internal monologue or thoughts from Jenny to provide insight into her mindset and emotional state during the phone calls and interactions with Ray and Gladys.
  • Build on the suspense and tension by incorporating subtle cues or foreshadowing elements that hint at the resolution of the scene or the next steps in the story.



Scene 20 -  Waiting for News
INT. JENNY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

The PHONE RINGS occasionally. Jenny startles each time but
leaves Ray to answer the calls. After one call, he comes back
into the living room.

RAY KINGSLEY
That was Charlton. No news.

Gladys rummages through her purse and pulls out a package of
cigarettes.

JENNY
Mom, we don’t smoke in the house.

GLADYS
You don’t, I do. And I’ve been
dying for one for hours.

JENNY
Clayton’s allergic to smoke.
55.


GLADYS
Well, Clayton’s not here and I need
a smoke!

Gladys puts a cigarette between her lips then looks defiantly
at Jenny. Jenny opens her mouth but before she can say
anything, Ray speaks.

RAY KINGSLEY
I need a smoke too. Gladys, why
don’t we have a look at the
backyard? Jenny’s got a real nice
garden planted - tomatoes and sweet
corn.

Taking the cigarette out of her mouth, Gladys stomps out of
the living room. Backdoor SLAMS. Jenny reaches up to massage
the back of her neck.


INT. JENNY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Ray and Gladys return.

JENNY
Thanks, Mom.

Gladys nods. They sit in the living room, the atmosphere is
stilted. Finally, Ray gets up.

RAY KINGSLEY
I'm going to bed. The search party
starts again at 6:30.

JENNY
Would he let me come?

RAY KINGSLEY
Should be okay. Your mom would be
here if anyone called.

JENNY
Is that okay, Mom?

GLADYS.
Sure. I can watch my soaps.

Jenny looks at the clock. 10:45.

JENNY
Are you ready for bed, Mom? You can
sleep in my room. I'm shutting the
TV off.
(MORE)
56.
JENNY (CONT’D)
I can't bear to watch the news. If
they show Clayton's picture again -

Jenny's voice breaks. She gets up and shuts off the
television. Jenny walks to the stairs, Gladys follows.


INT. JENNY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Jenny returns with a blanket and lays on the sofa.

She tosses and turns.

Getting up, she pulls back a corner of the living room
curtain. Cars and media vans line the street.


EXT. JENNY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Jenny stands at the open front door.

JENNY
Do you know anything about my son?

Media rush her, sticking microphones in her face. Cameras
flash, questions are hurled at her.

MEDIA
Did your ex-husband take your son?
Did you do something to him?
Was it an accident?
Did your husband hurt him?
Where did you put the body?

Jenny backs up against the door, covering her face with her
hands.

JENNY
We didn't hurt him. Please. Leave
us alone.

She tries to get into the house. People press into her, hands
grab at her, media try to push into the house.

Then, Steve is there, pushing through the crowd.

STEVE TOWNSEND
Get the hell out of here!

He pulls Jenny into his arms, pushing people back.

MEDIA
Who are you? Did you have anything
to do with her son's disappearance?
57.


STEVE TOWNSEND
Go home! Or go help find her son.

He pushes Jenny inside, closing and locking the door behind
him.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary As evening descends, Jenny anxiously waits for news about her missing son, Clayton. While Ray tries to comfort her, Gladys's smoking habit causes tension in the house. Jenny tries to sleep in her living room but is disturbed by the media, who relentlessly question her about Clayton's disappearance. Steve Townsend steps in to shield Jenny from the press, pulling her back inside. Despite Steve's intervention, the worry and uncertainty surrounding Clayton's fate remain palpable.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Compelling conflict
  • Realistic portrayal of media frenzy
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue
  • Slightly predictable plot twists

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the high stakes and emotional impact of the situation, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' struggles.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a missing child and the subsequent media attention is a compelling and relatable premise that adds tension and urgency to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with multiple layers of conflict and suspense driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the theme of family dynamics and media intrusion in the context of a missing child. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and compelling, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are complex and their relationships are explored in depth, adding depth and emotional resonance to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo emotional turmoil and face difficult decisions, leading to some growth and change within the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Jenny's internal goal in this scene is to maintain composure and control in the face of overwhelming emotions and external pressures. She is trying to protect her son and her family while dealing with the media intrusion and uncertainty surrounding her son's disappearance.

External Goal: 7

Jenny's external goal is to navigate the media scrutiny and protect her family from false accusations and invasive questioning. She also wants to find her missing son and ensure his safety.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-faceted, with emotional, interpersonal, and external conflicts driving the tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the media and public scrutiny posing significant challenges for the characters. Jenny's struggle to protect her family and maintain her composure against external pressures adds depth to the conflict.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are incredibly high, with a child's life on the line and the characters facing intense scrutiny and suspicion.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by escalating the conflict, revealing new information, and deepening the emotional stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it subverts expectations and introduces new challenges for the characters. The media intrusion and emotional turmoil add layers of complexity to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the invasion of privacy and the exploitation of tragedy by the media. Jenny's values of family, privacy, and truth are challenged by the aggressive and insensitive behavior of the media representatives.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, particularly fear, anxiety, and empathy for the characters' plight.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, driving the plot forward and revealing important information.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it captures the audience's attention with its emotional intensity and high stakes. The conflict and suspense keep viewers invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged with the characters' struggles and dilemmas. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the emotional impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly, enhancing readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and narrative progression. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the tension and emotional impact of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys the tension and anxiety that Jenny is feeling as she waits for news about her missing son. The constant ringing of the phone adds to the suspense and uncertainty of the situation.
  • The conflict between Jenny and her mother, Gladys, regarding smoking in the house adds an interesting dynamic to the scene, showcasing their differing priorities and personalities.
  • The interaction between Ray, Jenny, and Gladys reveals the strained relationships within the family, with each character dealing with their own emotions and coping mechanisms in the face of the crisis.
  • The intrusion of the media further heightens the tension and desperation felt by Jenny, creating a sense of chaos and intrusion into her personal space.
  • Steve's intervention at the end of the scene provides a moment of relief and protection for Jenny, showing his loyalty and support in a time of need.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal monologue or emotional reactions from Jenny to further explore her inner turmoil and fear.
  • Develop the conflict between Jenny and Gladys regarding smoking in the house to add depth to their relationship and highlight their differing priorities.
  • Explore the dynamics between Ray, Jenny, and Gladys further to delve into the family dynamics and how they cope with the crisis.
  • Enhance the chaos and intrusion of the media by describing their actions and questions in more detail to intensify the sense of pressure on Jenny.
  • Continue to showcase Steve's protective nature and loyalty to Jenny by further developing his character and interactions with her.



Scene 21 -  A Past Resurfacing
INT. JENNY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Steve leads Jenny to the sofa and takes out his cell phone.
He pulls the curtains fully closed and calls the police.


EXT. JENNY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

A car arrives within minutes and a uniformed officer
threatens the spectators and media with trespassing and
harassment.

Slowly, they disperse.


INT. JENNY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Jenny huddles on the sofa. Steve sits beside her. She lets
him pull her into his arms.

When she stops trembling, she faces him.

JENNY
I was at the police station ...

STEVE TOWNSEND
You saw my photo.

He pulls away, shifting until he faces her.

STEVE TOWNSEND (CONT’D)
It was a long time ago.

JENNY
Please. I need to know.

He leans back onto the sofa and closes his eyes for several
seconds. His voice is full of bitterness.

STEVE TOWNSEND
My best friend, Kelly, met this
girl. Cheryl was from the rich side
of town. She made a play for him.
He fell hard. She got pregnant.
Kelly wanted to marry her.
58.


The muscles on Steve’s face tighten, his fists clench and
unclench.

STEVE TOWNSEND (CONT’D)
(harshly)
He wasn't good enough for her. Or
her father.

Steve pauses, watching Jenny's reaction. She remains silent.

STEVE TOWNSEND (CONT’D)
She didn't want the baby. Gave it
up. Kelly took him. Joe Roberts
beat him up. Took us to the
station.

The clenched fists that rest on his thighs are white and
bloodless.

STEVE TOWNSEND (CONT’D)
Kelly died a few days later.
Nothing happened to Roberts.

He pauses, his face as hard as his voice.

STEVE TOWNSEND (CONT’D)
The rest is history. Bad history.
Now, if anything happens, Roberts
blames me.

He closes his eyes again.

STEVE TOWNSEND (CONT’D)
A few years ago, a child went
missing. Wandered away from his
parent's campsite.
(beat)
By the time they found him, he was
dead.

Jenny gasps.

STEVE TOWNSEND (CONT’D)
Coroner said he died of exposure.
But Roberts pulled me in. Put me
through the ringer.

He shakes his head, then meets Jenny's gaze.

STEVE TOWNSEND (CONT’D)
Jenny, I promise, I had nothing to
do with it. I was out of town at
the time. But Roberts hates me.
(MORE)
59.
STEVE TOWNSEND (CONT’D)
It won't be long before he pulls me
in again.

She leans against him and he holds her.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Steve, frantic after discovering Jenny's son is missing, calls the police. He then confides in Jenny, revealing a dark secret from his past: he was falsely accused of killing a child, an ordeal that he believes Joe Roberts orchestrated. Steve reveals Roberts is also responsible for the death of his best friend, leaving Jenny shaken and concerned. The scene ends with Steve pushing Jenny inside, locking the door, and leaving her to grapple with the unsettling truth.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Revealing character development
  • Tense atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic
  • Potential for confusion with multiple character backstories

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly engaging, with intense emotions, revealing dialogue, and a significant plot development. It keeps the audience on edge and adds layers to the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of unraveling past secrets and the impact they have on present events is well-executed. It adds depth to the characters and drives the plot forward.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens with the revelation of Steve's past, adding complexity and intrigue to the story. It sets up potential conflicts and raises the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on themes of guilt, redemption, and the impact of past traumas on present relationships. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and compelling, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Steve's backstory adding layers to his personality. Jenny's emotional turmoil and Ray's protective instincts are also highlighted effectively.

Character Changes: 8

Steve undergoes a significant change as he opens up about his past, revealing vulnerability and guilt. Jenny's perception of him shifts, adding complexity to their relationship.

Internal Goal: 9

Jenny's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth about Steve's past and his connection to the events that have unfolded. She seeks closure and understanding, reflecting her deeper need for honesty and trust in their relationship.

External Goal: 8

Steve's external goal is to protect Jenny from the potential consequences of his past actions and the looming threat of Joe Roberts. He wants to reassure her of his innocence and shield her from harm.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, with Steve grappling with his past and Jenny facing suspicions about her neighbor. The tension is palpable and sets the stage for future conflicts.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Steve facing internal and external conflicts that challenge his moral compass and test his relationships. Jenny's quest for truth and Steve's need for redemption create a compelling dynamic.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as Steve's past comes to light, casting suspicion on him and creating tension in the relationships. Jenny's trust is tested, and the search for Clayton becomes more urgent.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the characters' dynamics, introducing new conflicts, and setting the stage for future revelations. It adds layers to the narrative and keeps the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in Steve's backstory, the revelation of past traumas, and the looming threat of Joe Roberts. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters' conflicts will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around themes of guilt, responsibility, and the impact of past actions on present relationships. Steve's moral dilemma and Jenny's need for truth create a tension between forgiveness and accountability.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly through Steve's revelation and Jenny's reaction. The audience is drawn into the characters' turmoil and feels their pain and uncertainty.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and revealing, shedding light on Steve's past and creating tension between the characters. It adds depth to the scene and drives the emotional impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, character dynamics, and the high stakes involved. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and invested in the outcome of their confrontation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, revealing character motivations, and creating emotional impact. The rhythm of the dialogue and narrative descriptions enhances the scene's dramatic intensity.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to standard screenplay conventions, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the atmosphere and mood of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic confrontation, with a buildup of tension, emotional revelations, and character development. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene opens with a lack of clear establishment of the setting, making it slightly confusing for the reader to follow where the characters are.
  • The dialogue between Steve and Jenny is heavy with exposition, which can make it feel forced and unnatural.
  • The backstory provided by Steve about his past feels rushed and could benefit from more nuanced storytelling to create a deeper emotional impact.
  • The emotional beats in the scene could be more effectively conveyed through the characters' actions and reactions, rather than relying heavily on dialogue.
  • The transition between Steve pushing Jenny inside and the scene ending feels abrupt and could be smoother to create a more cohesive flow.
Suggestions
  • Consider starting the scene with a brief description of the setting to ground the reader in the location.
  • Try to integrate the exposition about Steve's past more organically into the conversation between him and Jenny, allowing for a more natural flow of information.
  • Focus on showing the emotions of the characters through their body language and actions, rather than relying solely on dialogue to convey their feelings.
  • Explore ways to build tension and suspense throughout the scene to keep the reader engaged and invested in the characters' stories.
  • Consider revising the ending of the scene to provide a more satisfying conclusion or cliffhanger that leaves the reader wanting to know more.



Scene 22 -  Hope Crumbles
INT. JENNY'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Jenny, still fully clothed, wakes.

She looks out the window. The street is quiet. Media and
spectators have gone.

She glances across the hall. The room is empty, Ray's
blankets neatly folded.

Picking up a photo of Clayton, she sits back on the sofa and
stares at it.

LOUD VOICES. Jenny crosses to the window and eases back the
curtains.


EXT. JENNY'S HOUSE - DAY

Media vans are back. Reporters and cameramen head toward the
house. A dark sedan pulls into the driveway.


INT. JENNY'S HOUSE - DAY

Jenny rushes to pull the door open. Officer Charlton comes
in.

JENNY
Do you have any news?

Charlton’s face is a grim mask, he pauses.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
“There is ... A child was found --

Jenny wobbles, bracing herself against the doorframe.

JENNY
(barely audible)
Clayton?

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
We’re not sure.

JENNY
But Clayton knows his name ...
60.


A strangled cry. She starts to crumple, he grabs her and
helps her to the sofa.

JENNY (CONT’D)
Tell me!

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
We’re not sure it’s Clayton. A body
was found this morning... He’s
blonde, between four and six. You
need to come. Let us know --

Jenny stumbles after him.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Jenny wakes up in an empty living room, Ray's neatly folded blankets the only sign of his departure. As she gazes at a photo of Clayton, the media vans return, bringing with them Officer Charlton and devastating news. A child's body has been found, and while its identity remains unknown, the possibility that it could be Clayton shatters Jenny's hope. Overwhelmed by despair, she collapses and agrees to accompany the officer to identify the body.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Compelling conflict resolution
Weaknesses
  • Limited character interactions
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and suspense surrounding the disappearance of Clayton, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a missing child and the impact on the family is a powerful and relatable theme that drives the emotional core of the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the revelation of the child's body being found, raising the stakes and intensifying the search for Clayton.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar theme of a missing child, focusing on the emotional turmoil and uncertainty faced by the protagonist. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Jenny, Ray, and Officer Charlton, are well-developed and their emotions are portrayed convincingly, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Jenny undergoes a significant emotional change as she receives the devastating news, moving from hope to despair and uncertainty.

Internal Goal: 8

Jenny's internal goal in this scene is to find out the fate of Clayton, the missing child. This reflects her deep need for closure, her fear of the unknown, and her desire for the truth, no matter how painful.

External Goal: 7

Jenny's external goal in this scene is to get information from Officer Charlton about the child that was found. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in trying to piece together what happened to Clayton.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict is high as Jenny grapples with the devastating news of a child's body being found, intensifying the search for her missing son and raising questions about his fate.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the uncertainty surrounding Clayton's fate creating a sense of suspense and conflict for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Jenny confronts the possibility of her son's death, intensifying the emotional impact and driving the search for answers.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing crucial information about the investigation and the potential fate of Clayton, increasing the urgency and tension.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it keeps the audience guessing about the identity of the child found and the fate of Clayton.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the uncertainty of identity and the harsh reality of potential loss. Jenny's belief in Clayton's identity clashes with the possibility that the body found may not be him, challenging her values and beliefs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, fear, and shock as Jenny faces the possibility of losing her son.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and serves to convey the characters' emotions and the gravity of the situation, although there could be more depth and complexity in the interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of urgency and emotional investment in the protagonist's search for answers.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptive action lines.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, building tension and emotional stakes through concise dialogue and impactful moments.


Critique
  • The scene opens with Jenny waking up, which is a common and somewhat cliche way to start a scene. Consider starting the scene with more action or conflict to grab the audience's attention.
  • The description of the street being quiet and the media and spectators being gone is a missed opportunity to create a visual contrast and build tension. Consider adding more details to enhance the atmosphere.
  • The interaction between Jenny and Officer Charlton feels rushed and lacks emotional depth. Jenny's reaction to the news of a child being found is not fully explored, which diminishes the impact of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Jenny and Officer Charlton is somewhat predictable and lacks nuance. Consider adding more layers to their conversation to make it more engaging and emotionally resonant.
  • The revelation that a body was found and the uncertainty about whether it is Clayton is a powerful moment, but it could be heightened with more suspense and dramatic tension.
Suggestions
  • Consider starting the scene with Jenny in a more active or emotionally charged state to immediately engage the audience.
  • Enhance the description of the setting to create a more vivid and immersive atmosphere.
  • Take more time to explore Jenny's emotional reaction to the news, delving deeper into her fears, hopes, and uncertainties.
  • Revise the dialogue between Jenny and Officer Charlton to make it more authentic, nuanced, and impactful.
  • Build more suspense and tension leading up to the revelation of the body being found to create a more gripping and emotionally resonant moment.



Scene 23 -  Facing the Worst
INT. HOSPITAL MORGUE - DAY

Charlton leads her to the basement and through a set of metal
doors.

DOCTOR MURRAY, (50’s) white haired gentleman with a lab coat
covering operating greens, greets them.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Doctor Murray, this is Mrs.
Kingsley.

He takes her hand, his voice soft yet firm. He has done this
many times. He holds her gaze.

DOCTOR MURRAY
Can you do this?

Jenny closes her eyes, stiffening her shoulders as if
reaching somewhere deep inside her. She opens her eyes,
steeled for the worst.

JENNY
I have to know.

DOCTOR MURRAY
Is anyone with you?

Her head shakes like a limp, rag doll.

Nodding, Doctor Murray's tone becomes clinical.

DOCTOR MURRAY (CONT’D)
The child was found in the Tomac
River, just north of here, early
this morning. He drowned ... we
think ... yesterday or the day
before. We don’t have an exact time
yet.
61.


He pauses.

DOCTOR MURRAY (CONT’D)
I want to warn you. His body is
bloated ...


INT. MORGUE VIEWING ROOM - DAY

Doctor Murray leads them into a sterile room where a small
sheet covered form lays on a stainless steel table. Charlton
stands beside her.

After a quick glance at Jenny, Doctor Murray lifts an edge of
the sheet and peels it back. Jenny stares at the lifeless
face for a few seconds then twists away, shaking her head.

JENNY
It's not him. It's not Clayton.

She runs out of the room.


EXT. HOSPITAL - DAY

Jenny sits on a bench, dry heaving.

Charlton comes and sits beside her.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
I’ll take you home.

JENNY
I want to join the search party.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Are you sure you are up to it?

She faces him, her face a rigid mask.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON (CONT’D)
Let’s go join them.


SERIES OF SHOTS

- People putting up missing child posters with Clayton’s
face, Jenny and Ray are among them


- People canvassing the streets with similar flyers, Jenny
stopping anyone who tries to get by without looking at the
picture
62.


- People searching country roads, farmer’s fields, wooded
areas around the town

- Officers Charlton and Roberts lead teams of searchers,
Jenny, Ray, Steve Townsend, Mrs. Taylor, the school teacher,
Tyrell Watson, the janitor, and owners of Stockley’s General
Store are among the searchers.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Jenny visits the morgue, hoping to identify the body found in the river as her missing son, Clayton. Doctor Murray warns her about the body's condition, but she insists on seeing it. Ultimately, she realizes the body isn't Clayton and rushes out, overwhelmed. Instead of going home, Jenny decides to join the search party, continuing her desperate quest to find her son.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Character development
  • Plot advancement
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Some scenes may feel repetitive

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, emotionally charged, and moves the story forward significantly. The intense emotions, high stakes, and suspenseful tone make it a standout moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a mother searching for her missing child and facing the possibility of tragic news is a powerful and relatable theme. The scene effectively conveys the desperation and determination of the characters.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as the search party intensifies, leading to a crucial discovery at the morgue. The scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of loss and grief, with authentic character reactions and realistic dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Jenny, Ray, and Officer Charlton, are well-developed and their emotions are palpable. Their interactions and reactions add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Jenny undergoes a significant emotional journey in the scene, from hope to despair to determination. Her character evolves as she faces the harsh reality of her son's disappearance.

Internal Goal: 9

Jenny's internal goal is to find closure and confirm the identity of the deceased child. This reflects her deeper need for truth and resolution in the face of tragedy.

External Goal: 8

Jenny's external goal is to join the search party and help find the missing child. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing and her desire to take action.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict is internal and external, with Jenny facing the emotional turmoil of searching for her missing son while also dealing with suspicions and uncertainties. The stakes are high, adding to the tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene, in the form of Jenny's internal struggles and the search for the missing child, adds complexity and suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are incredibly high as Jenny searches for her missing son, facing the possibility of tragic news. The emotional impact and suspense make the stakes feel even more significant.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing crucial information about Clayton's fate and intensifying the search efforts. It sets the stage for further developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in terms of Jenny's emotional reactions and the outcome of the search party.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict is between the harsh reality of death and the characters' need for closure and hope. This challenges Jenny's beliefs about loss and resilience.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene is incredibly emotional, evoking feelings of sadness, anxiety, and empathy. The audience is deeply affected by Jenny's anguish and determination.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is poignant and serves the purpose of conveying the characters' emotions and motivations. It could be more impactful with some added depth and complexity.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional intensity and the characters' compelling journey.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene enhances its emotional impact and builds tension effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a dramatic scene in a screenplay.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-paced structure, moving seamlessly from the morgue to the search party setup.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and suspense as Jenny is led to the morgue to identify a body found in the river, creating a sense of dread and anticipation.
  • The interaction between Jenny and Doctor Murray is well-written, with the doctor's clinical tone contrasting with Jenny's emotional turmoil, adding depth to the scene.
  • Jenny's internal struggle and determination to face the truth about the body found in the river are portrayed convincingly, showing her strength and vulnerability.
  • The visual descriptions of the morgue and viewing room help set the tone of the scene, enhancing the atmosphere of somberness and grief.
  • The scene effectively conveys Jenny's emotional journey from hope to despair, culminating in her realization that the body is not her son, Clayton.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal monologue or dialogue to further explore Jenny's thoughts and emotions as she prepares to identify the body.
  • Enhance the sensory details in the morgue and viewing room to immerse the audience in the setting and intensify the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Explore Jenny's physical reactions in more detail to convey the depth of her grief and inner turmoil.
  • Consider incorporating flashbacks or memories of Clayton to emphasize Jenny's connection to her son and the weight of the situation.
  • Add a moment of reflection or aftermath after Jenny confirms the body is not Clayton's to show the lingering effects of the experience on her character.



Scene 24 -  Frustration and Support
INT. JENNY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Jenny, Ray, and Gladys sit in the living room. The television
is on in the background.

GLADYS
So the useless police haven’t found
him yet?

JENNY
Mom! Everybody is looking for him.
The police, everyone in town --

GLADYS
Like I said, the police are
useless.

RAY KINGSLEY
Gladys, they are trying.

GLADYS
Well, they ain’t doing a good job.

Jenny gets up, glares at her mother.

JENNY
Would it kill you to be positive
for once?

GLADYS
Not my job!

JENNY
Maybe it’s time you went home.

GLADYS
You kicking me out?

JENNY
You aren’t helping.

Startled, Gladys stares at Jenny, then looks to Ray. Ray’s
response is a shrug but a slight smile seems to be playing at
his lips.
63.


GLADYS
Well, damned if I’m going stay
where I’m not wanted.

Gladys gets up and storms out of the room. Behind her back,
Ray grins at Jenny.

RAY KINGSLEY
(quietly)
Proud of you, kid. That took
courage.


INT. JENNY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT - DREAM SEQUENCE

Jenny tosses and turns in her sleep.

CLAYTON (V.O.)
Mommy. Mommy, come and get me. I
don’t like the dark.

Jenny sees visions of tiny bodies, torn and bleeding,
Clayton’s face, also bloated and blue, hovers above a shallow
grave.

Her breathes rapidly, she continues to toss and turn. Her
body is tangled in the sheets.


INT. JENNY'S KITCHEN - DAY

Gladys sits at the kitchen table. Jenny comes into the room
but starts when she sees her mother’s purse and suitcase
beside the table.

GLADYS
I’m going home.

JENNY
Clayton’s still missing.

GLADYS
Nothing I can do about it

Jenny shakes her head, tears threaten.

JENNY
You could be here. For me. For
Clayton.

GLADYS
I’m going home! I’ve called a cab.
It’ll be here any minute.
64.


Jenny’s face hardens.

JENNY
Go home. You’ve never been there
for me.

Jenny storms out of the room. Gladys sits open mouthed at the
harshness in Jenny’s voice.

A car horn HONKS. Gladys, with possibly one tear in her eyes,
gathers her belongings and exits the kitchen.


INT. JENNY'S KITCHEN - DAY

KNOCKING at the back door. Jenny lets Myrtle in. She is
carrying a plate of muffins.

MYRTLE
How are you doing, dear?

Jenny shrugs. Myrtle crosses and hugs her.

MYRTLE (CONT’D)
You look like you need some sleep,
and some food. You just sit while I
make us some tea.

Myrtle starts making tea.

MYRTLE (CONT’D)
Would your mother want some?

Jenny shakes her head.

JENNY
(mechanically)
She went home.

Myrtle’s eyebrows rise and her lips purse. Jenny shrugs then
looks away.

JENNY (CONT’D)
She had business she had to deal
with.

Jenny turns, brushing a tear away.

JENNY (CONT’D)
I’m glad she’s gone.
(beat)
That’s terrible to say ... but
sometimes she’s not a kind person.
65.


A look of sadness crosses Myrtle’s face. She reaches out to
pat Jenny’s shoulder.

MYRTLE
I'm going to stay on at Steve’s for
a few days. So if you need
anything, anything at all.

JENNY
Thanks. That means a lot.

MYRTLE
Now, have a muffin.

They sit having their tea. KNOCKING. Jenny leaves the
kitchen.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Jenny grapples with her mother, Gladys, who is consumed by anger and frustration over the police's lack of progress in finding Clayton. Jenny expresses her exhaustion with Gladys' negativity, leading to a heated exchange and Gladys' departure. Jenny, overwhelmed, finds solace in the support of her friend Myrtle, who arrives to offer comfort and company.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched moments
  • Predictable family tensions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional intensity and conflict within the family, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' struggles.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of family tensions and unresolved issues during a crisis is well-executed, adding depth to the characters and driving the emotional core of the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the strained relationships and emotional turmoil within the family, setting up potential conflicts and character developments for future scenes.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar theme of family dynamics and relationships. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with complex emotions and conflicting motivations. Their interactions drive the scene and reveal deeper layers of their personalities.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience emotional shifts and confrontations, revealing new layers of their personalities and relationships. Jenny's confrontation with Gladys and Ray's support show potential for character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Jenny's internal goal in this scene is to assert herself and stand up to her mother, Gladys. This reflects her deeper need for independence and validation of her own feelings and opinions.

External Goal: 7

Jenny's external goal in this scene is to find support and comfort from her friend, Myrtle, after her confrontation with her mother. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in dealing with her strained relationship with her mother.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Jenny, Ray, and Gladys is palpable, creating tension and drama within the scene. The unresolved issues and emotional turmoil drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and emotions driving the interactions between the characters. The audience is left unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as the characters grapple with the disappearance of Clayton and the strained family relationships. The emotional turmoil and unresolved conflicts add tension and drama to the scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene deepens the family dynamics and unresolved conflicts, setting up potential plot developments and character arcs. It moves the narrative forward by exploring the emotional core of the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters and the unexpected emotional revelations that occur throughout the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between Jenny's desire for a supportive and loving relationship with her mother and Gladys' inability to provide that emotional support. This challenges Jenny's beliefs about family and the importance of unconditional love.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly sadness, anger, and empathy towards the characters' struggles. The raw and authentic portrayal of grief and tension enhances the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is authentic and emotionally charged, reflecting the characters' inner struggles and tensions. It effectively conveys the conflicts and dynamics within the family.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional intensity and conflict between the characters. The sharp dialogue and nuanced interactions keep the audience invested in the outcome of the scene.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and emotional intensity gradually, leading to a climactic confrontation between Jenny and Gladys.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and clear dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene transitions and character interactions that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The tension and conflict between Jenny, Ray, and Gladys are well portrayed, but the dialogue could be more nuanced to show the underlying emotions and relationships between the characters.
  • The dream sequence adds an interesting element to the scene, but it could be more seamlessly integrated into the narrative to enhance the emotional impact.
  • The abrupt transition from the dream sequence to Jenny's interaction with Gladys in the kitchen feels disjointed and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • The emotional depth of Jenny's confrontation with Gladys could be further explored to highlight the complexity of their relationship and Jenny's internal struggles.
  • The interaction between Jenny and Myrtle in the kitchen is touching, but the dialogue could delve deeper into Jenny's emotional state and provide more insight into her character.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the dialogue to reveal more about the characters' motivations and emotions, creating a more layered and engaging interaction.
  • Integrate the dream sequence more fluidly into the scene to enhance the emotional impact and connect it thematically to Jenny's struggles.
  • Smooth out the transition between different moments in the scene to maintain a cohesive narrative flow and keep the audience engaged.
  • Explore the complexities of Jenny's relationships with Gladys and Myrtle further through dialogue and actions to add depth to the scene.
  • Focus on Jenny's internal turmoil and emotional journey throughout the scene to create a more compelling and resonant portrayal of her character.



Scene 25 -  Interrogation in the Kitchen
INT. JENNY'S FRONT DOOR

Jenny opens the door. Officer Charlton stands there, stiff
and grim-faced.

JENNY
Did you find him?

Charlton shakes his head.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
I have a few questions.

MYRTLE (O.S.)
I'll be going, Dear. Call me if you
need anything.

Jenny leads Charlton toward the kitchen.


INT. JENNY'S KITCHEN

JENNY
Would you like coffee, iced tea?

Charlton sits at the kitchen table.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Whatever is easier.

Jenny puts two glasses of iced tea on the table along with
the plate of Myrtle's muffins.

Charlton bites into a muffin and takes a sip of the iced tea
before taking out his notebook.
66.


OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON (CONT’D)
I need to check a few things.

He takes another sip of his drink then hunts for a pen that
he places beside the notebook. Jenny has been watching him,
waiting.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON (CONT’D)
Can you tell me about your
marriage? You aren’t divorced, are
you?

JENNY
Is this really important?
(beat)
We’re separated.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
We need to know as much as we can
about anyone involved.

JENNY
Is Ray a suspect?

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Until we find Clayton, everyone is
a suspect.

Her voice rises.

JENNY
Am I a suspect, too?

Charlton face softens, he tries to smile.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
I don’t think you took him.

JENNY
But you think Ray might have.
(beat)
He was at work. He couldn't have.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
He was there ... except for his
lunch hour. Now, about your
marriage?

Jenny looks away, then faces him.

JENNY
I left a few months ago. Moved
here. We hadn’t seen him since
then.
67.


OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Was he angry?

JENNY
I guess.

Jenny raises her hands off the table and shrugs.

JENNY (CONT’D)
Not enough to take him. He wasn’t a
good father. I mean, he wasn’t mean
or anything.

She shrugs again.

JENNY (CONT’D)
He just wasn’t interested in being
a father.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Did he ever hurt him?

JENNY
No!

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Are you sure?

Jenny's voice turns shrill.

JENNY
Yes, I’m sure.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Does he have a temper? Or an anger
problem?

Jenny looks out the window, then back at Charlton.

JENNY
Sometimes he’d get angry.
Especially when he was drinking.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Was that often?

Jenny takes a long sip of her iced tea before answering.

JENNY
It more frequent in the last year.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Did he ever hurt you? Or Clayton?
68.


There is a pause before she answers.

JENNY
No.

Charlton looks at his notebook.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
What about last February? When
Clayton was taken to Dresden
Memorial?

Jenny's body jerks.

JENNY
What?

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Clayton was treated at the Dresden
Hospital on February eleventh last
year for a pulled elbow.

JENNY
That was an accident.

Charlton waits for her to meet his gaze.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Was it?

JENNY
Clay’s arm got stuck in the monkey
bars at the park. Ray had to get
his arm free. The elbow dislocated.
The doctor said it happens all the
time to children.

She glares at Charlton.

JENNY (CONT’D)
I was there. Ray didn’t hurt him!

Charlton closes his notebook and rises.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
That’s all I need for now.

Charlton leaves. When the front door closes, she slumps
against the back of the chair. She gets up and crosses to the
back door.
69.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Crime"]

Summary Officer Charlton visits Jenny at her home to question her about her marriage to Ray and their son, Clayton. Jenny becomes defensive as Charlton probes into Ray's temper and potential involvement in Clayton's disappearance. Despite Jenny's attempts to defend Ray, Charlton leaves with unanswered questions, leaving Jenny feeling anxious and suspicious.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Mystery and suspense elements
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel repetitive
  • Character motivations could be further explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion, keeping the audience engaged with the unfolding drama and mystery surrounding Clayton's disappearance.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the family dynamics and past events that may be connected to Clayton's disappearance is intriguing and adds depth to the storyline.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as new information and suspicions are revealed, adding layers to the mystery and raising the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar premise of a missing child investigation but adds complexity through the nuanced portrayal of family dynamics and the characters' conflicting emotions. The authenticity of the dialogue and the realistic portrayal of the investigation process contribute to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show depth and complexity, especially in their interactions and emotional responses to the situation. Jenny's defensive stance and Charlton's probing questions add to the character dynamics.

Character Changes: 7

Jenny's defensive stance and emotional breakdown show a shift in her character, revealing vulnerabilities and complexities. Ray's attempts to comfort her also hint at a potential change in their relationship dynamics.

Internal Goal: 8

Jenny's internal goal in this scene is to defend her husband, Ray, and prove his innocence in the disappearance of their son, Clayton. This reflects her deep desire to protect her family and maintain her belief in Ray's character.

External Goal: 7

Jenny's external goal is to cooperate with the police investigation and provide information that may help find her missing son. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in dealing with the authorities and the uncertainty surrounding Clayton's disappearance.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Jenny, Ray, and Officer Charlton is palpable, with accusations and suspicions creating a tense atmosphere. The revelation of past events adds another layer of conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Officer Charlton's probing questions and suspicions creating obstacles for Jenny and adding to the uncertainty and conflict in the narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of Clayton's disappearance, coupled with the suspicions and accusations swirling around the characters, create a sense of urgency and tension that drives the narrative forward.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing new suspicions, deepening character relationships, and raising the stakes in the search for Clayton.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between Jenny and Officer Charlton, the revelation of new information, and the uncertainty surrounding Clayton's disappearance.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of trust, loyalty, and the complexity of family relationships. Jenny's belief in Ray's innocence clashes with the suspicions raised by Officer Charlton, challenging her values and worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly fear, suspicion, and grief, as the characters grapple with the uncertainty of Clayton's fate and the accusations being thrown around.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and confrontational, reflecting the high emotions and suspicions running through the scene. It effectively conveys the characters' inner turmoil and conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional conflict, and suspenseful atmosphere that keeps the audience invested in the characters' fates and the outcome of the investigation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of conflict and revelations that keep the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding drama.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format typical of a dramatic interrogation scene, with a clear progression of dialogue and character interactions that build tension and reveal key information.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency and tension considering the gravity of the situation - Jenny's son is missing. The dialogue between Jenny and Officer Charlton feels somewhat flat and lacks emotional depth.
  • The transition from Myrtle leaving to the arrival of Officer Charlton could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • The questioning by Officer Charlton feels somewhat repetitive and predictable, lacking in surprises or twists to keep the audience engaged.
  • Jenny's reactions to the questions about Ray's potential involvement could be more nuanced and emotionally charged to convey the complexity of her feelings towards her ex-husband.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues and actions to enhance the emotional impact and create a more dynamic atmosphere.
Suggestions
  • Introduce more conflict and tension in the dialogue between Jenny and Officer Charlton to make the scene more engaging.
  • Consider adding subtle hints or clues that could lead to a potential twist or revelation about Clayton's disappearance to keep the audience guessing.
  • Explore Jenny's internal conflict and emotional turmoil more deeply to add layers to her character and make her responses more compelling.
  • Enhance the visual elements of the scene to create a more immersive and impactful experience for the audience.
  • Work on the pacing of the scene to maintain a sense of urgency and suspense throughout.



Scene 26 -  Accusations and Confrontation
EXT. JENNY'S BACK PORCH - DAY

The kitchen door slams behind her. Jenny grabs the boxing
gloves and shoves her hands inside. She punches and kicks the
punching bag until she is too exhausted to continue.


INT. STEVE TOWNSEND’S AUTOMOTIVE SHOP - DAY

FOOTSTEPS. Steve looks up from the car he is working on.
Robert struts into the garage.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
So this is your little shop.

STEVE TOWNSEND
What do you want?

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
I need some work on my Mustang.
What can you do for me, Townsend?

Using a rag to wipe the grease off his hands, Steve faces
Roberts.

STEVE TOWNSEND
My rates are listed in the office.
I don’t make deals. I give fifteen
percent off for seniors.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
We need to have a chat.

STEVE TOWNSEND
About what?

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
About things in general. A few
things in particular.

STEVE TOWNSEND
Like?

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
You don’t give me much respect.

Steve continues to wipe his hands with the rag. He says
nothing for several seconds.

STEVE TOWNSEND
No one says I have to like you.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
I’m taking you downtown.
70.


STEVE TOWNSEND
Why?

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
We’ll talk about that downtown.

Roberts tips his head, a smirk on his face.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS (CONT’D)
It’s about that missing boy.

Steve glares at Roberts.

STEVE TOWNSEND
I’ve already told you guys
everything I know.

Roberts’s lips curl in a sneer.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
Maybe there’s something you
neglected ... I’m sorry ... forgot
to mention.

STEVE TOWNSEND
You calling me a liar?

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
Just saying. Maybe you know more
than you told us. Maybe you even
know where he is.

Roberts crosses his arms over his puffed-out chest. His voice
taunting.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS (CONT’D)
You know about taking kids don’t
you, Townsend?

Steve lunges toward Roberts.

STEVE TOWNSEND
You son of a ...

Roberts slaps his baton against his palm.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
Come on, Townsend. I’m ready.

Steve stops inches from Roberts and glares at him. Loud
THUNK. A mountain man in a shop uniform, MIKE THOMPSON, late
40’s, stands beside a nearby van.
71.


MIKE THOMPSON
Sorry, boss. The jack slipped.

Mike picks up a three-foot-long jack and walks toward them.

MIKE THOMPSON (CONT’D)
Everything okay, boss?

Steve nods at Mike then turns back to Roberts.

STEVE TOWNSEND
Am I under arrest?

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
Done anything we should arrest you
for?

STEVE TOWNSEND
You know I haven't.

Roberts snorts.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
Then you won't mind coming down to
the station. Answering a few
questions.

STEVE TOWNSEND
Look after things, Mike.

Mike, still holding the jack in front of him, directs a
pointed look at Roberts, then turns to Steve.

MIKE THOMPSON
You take care.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Crime"]

Summary Officer Joe Roberts arrives at Steve Townsend's automotive shop, demanding information about the missing boy. He accuses Steve of knowing more than he's letting on, which sparks a heated confrontation. Steve, angered by the accusations, lunges at Roberts, but the officer threatens him with his baton. Just as the tension reaches a peak, Mike Thompson, an employee, interrupts the confrontation. Roberts ultimately takes Steve to the police station for questioning, leaving the outcome of the situation unresolved.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Strong character dynamics
  • High stakes
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity on the missing boy's whereabouts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, with strong character dynamics and conflict driving the narrative forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a suspect being confronted by a police officer in a tense situation is well-executed, adding depth to the mystery surrounding the missing boy.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as suspicions and tensions escalate between Steve and Officer Roberts, adding layers to the overall mystery of the missing boy.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar conflict between a small-town mechanic and a corrupt police officer but adds a fresh perspective with nuanced character interactions and moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Steve Townsend and Officer Joe Roberts are well-developed and their interactions are compelling, showcasing their conflicting personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

Both Steve and Officer Roberts undergo subtle changes in their dynamic, revealing more about their personalities and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

Steve's internal goal is to maintain his integrity and stand up to the intimidation tactics of Officer Roberts. This reflects his need for autonomy and his fear of being falsely accused or manipulated.

External Goal: 7

Steve's external goal is to avoid being taken to the police station by Officer Roberts. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Steve and Officer Roberts is high, with accusations, tension, and confrontations driving the scene's intensity and suspense.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Officer Roberts posing a significant threat to Steve's autonomy and integrity, creating a sense of urgency and suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as suspicions and accusations escalate, adding urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by deepening the mystery, escalating tensions, and revealing new layers of the characters' relationships and motivations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics and unexpected twists in the dialogue, keeping the audience guessing about the characters' intentions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between Steve's sense of justice and integrity and Officer Roberts' abuse of power and manipulation. This challenges Steve's beliefs in honesty and fairness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including anxiety, tension, and determination, as the characters navigate the high-stakes situation.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, intense, and reveals the underlying tensions and suspicions between Steve and Officer Roberts, driving the scene's conflict and suspense.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, intense conflict, and dynamic character interactions that keep the audience on edge.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with well-timed pauses and escalating confrontations that maintain the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the standard screenplay format, making it easy to follow the action and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a tense confrontation between two characters, with clear dialogue and action beats.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from Jenny's emotional distress in the previous scene to her sudden shift to punching a punching bag outside her house. The emotional continuity is disrupted, making the scene feel disjointed.
  • The dialogue between Officer Joe Roberts and Steve Townsend feels forced and lacks subtlety. The confrontation between the two characters comes across as cliched and predictable.
  • The tension between Steve and Officer Roberts is resolved too quickly and easily with the introduction of Mike Thompson, which undermines the buildup of conflict and suspense in the scene.
  • The scene lacks depth and fails to explore the emotional impact of Clayton's disappearance on Jenny, which is a missed opportunity to add layers to the character dynamics and overall narrative.
  • The setting and visual descriptions are minimal, missing an opportunity to create a more immersive and engaging atmosphere for the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the opening of the scene to provide a smoother transition from Jenny's emotional state in the previous scene to her actions of punching the punching bag. This will help maintain the emotional continuity and flow of the narrative.
  • Work on developing more nuanced and realistic dialogue between Officer Roberts and Steve Townsend to add depth to their conflict and interactions. Avoid cliches and aim for more authentic character dynamics.
  • Extend the confrontation between Steve and Officer Roberts to build more tension and suspense, allowing the conflict to unfold in a more organic and engaging way before resolving it with the introduction of Mike Thompson.
  • Focus on exploring Jenny's emotional journey and internal struggles in response to Clayton's disappearance within the scene to add depth to her character and enhance the emotional resonance of the narrative.
  • Enhance the setting and visual descriptions to create a more vivid and immersive environment for the scene, helping to engage the reader and enhance the overall atmosphere of the moment.



Scene 27 -  Under Suspicion
INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

Roberts shoves Steve toward a bench in the hallway.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
Wait there.

The bench is occupied by two ladies of the night. Steve sits,
constantly checking the clock.


POLICE STATION - DAY

Two hours have passed. Robert approaches the bench where
Steve sits.
72.


OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
Follow me.


INTERROGATION ROOM

Roberts motions Steve to a chair on the opposite side of a
long table. Roberts nods to the other officer, CHAD EVANS,
early 20’s.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
This is Officer Evans. He’ll be
here while I question you.

Roberts straddles a chair across from Steve. Evans tips his
head to Steve then takes the chair opposite. He places a tape
deck on the table and presses the record button.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS (CONT’D)
Where were you the morning of July
twenty-third?

STEVE TOWNSEND
At the shop working.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
And what shop is that?

STEVE TOWNSEND
You know what shop. My garage.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
The one on Main Street?

STEVE TOWNSEND
What sort of game you playing? You
know damn well where my garage is.
The same one you picked me up at
this morning.

Evans shrugs.

OFFICER EVANS
We need it for the record. The full
name and address.

Steve complies.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
So you were there all day?

STEVE TOWNSEND
I was there all morning. I came
home for lunch.
73.


Steve leans back in the chair.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
And what time would that be?

STEVE TOWNSEND
Same as most days. Twelve o’clock.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
So you were home having lunch at
that time?

STEVE TOWNSEND
Yes.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
Can anybody confirm that?

STEVE TOWNSEND
My mechanics, Mike and Dez, were
there. Mrs. Jenkins was there just
before twelve to get her Saturn.

Evans writes in his notebook.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
Tell me what happened when you came
home for lunch.

STEVE TOWNSEND
Like I told Charlton. I was eating
lunch when I heard my neighbor
screaming. I went outside. She said
her son was missing.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
That would be Mrs. Kingsley?

Steve nods.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS (CONT’D)
Did you see the boy?

STEVE TOWNSEND
Jenny said he was missing. I went
looking for him.

Roberts tips his head. He wears a smug expression.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
So, you didn’t leave the shop that
morning?
74.


STEVE TOWNSEND
No.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
Are you sure?

Steve looks away, shuffles his feet and then faces him again.

STEVE TOWNSEND
I forgot. I left for about half an
hour to pick up a car part.

Roberts leans toward Steve.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
(mockingly)
Do you usually pick up parts? Don’t
you pay employees for that?

Steve shifts position.

STEVE TOWNSEND
Dez and Mike were in the middle of
replacing a transmission, so I went
myself.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
So, you had time to go by and
snatch the kid?

Steve leaps up, shoving the table towards Roberts.

STEVE TOWNSEND
I didn’t touch the boy. And you
know it, Roberts.

Roberts sneers.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
So you say.

Steve remains standing, glaring at Roberts. Evans watches
their interaction.

OFFICER CHAD EVANS
Settle down, Townsend. We’re just
here to get the events of that day.
Right, Officer Roberts?

Waving to Roberts to move, he takes the chair and motions
Steve to sit. Roberts leans against the door, arms crossed.

OFFICER CHAD EVANS (CONT’D)
Would you like a lawyer present?
75.


STEVE TOWNSEND
Do I need one?

OFFICER CHAD EVANS
So, Townsend, am I right in saying
that your first knowledge of
Clayton Kingsley’s disappearance
was when you heard your neighbor
outside around 1:15?

STEVE TOWNSEND
Right.

OFFICER CHAD EVANS
Do you know the boy?

STEVE TOWNSEND
I’ve met him a few times. They
moved in a couple of months ago.

OFFICER CHAD EVANS
You didn’t see him earlier that
morning?

STEVE TOWNSEND
No. I didn't.

Roberts shifts noisily.

OFFICER CHAD EVANS
Would you be willing to take a lie
detector test?

STEVE TOWNSEND
I have nothing to hide.

OFFICER CHAD EVANS
We'll get that set up now.

Evans and Roberts leave.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Crime"]

Summary Steve is interrogated by a skeptical Officer Roberts about his whereabouts on the morning of Clayton Kingsley's disappearance. Steve insists he was at his garage, but Roberts doesn't believe him. Officer Evans, who is more neutral, suggests a lie detector test to which Steve reluctantly agrees, leaving the tension unresolved.
Strengths
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Suspenseful tone
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Limited physical action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, filled with conflict, and moves the plot forward significantly. The dialogue is engaging and keeps the audience on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a suspect being interrogated by the police in a high-stakes situation is well-executed and adds depth to the mystery surrounding the disappearance.

Plot: 9

The plot thickens as suspicions are raised about Steve's involvement in the disappearance, adding layers of complexity to the story.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a familiar setting of a police interrogation but introduces original elements through the protagonist's shifting alibi and the psychological tension between the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and the gradual reveal of information add to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Steve Townsend and Officer Joe Roberts are well-developed and their interactions reveal their conflicting motivations and suspicions.

Character Changes: 7

Steve's character undergoes a shift as he is confronted with suspicions and accusations, leading to a change in his demeanor and behavior.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove his innocence and maintain his integrity in the face of accusations. This reflects his deeper need for justice and truth, as well as his fear of being wrongly accused or misunderstood.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to convince the officers of his innocence and provide an alibi for his whereabouts during the time of the incident. This reflects the immediate challenge of defending himself against suspicion and potential charges.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Steve and Officer Roberts is palpable, creating a tense and suspenseful atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the officers' suspicions and questioning creating obstacles for the protagonist. The uncertainty of the situation and the shifting dynamics add to the tension and conflict.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as suspicions are raised about Steve's involvement in the disappearance, adding a sense of urgency and danger to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly advances the plot by revealing crucial information and raising new questions about the disappearance.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the protagonist's shifting alibi and the officers' changing tactics in the interrogation. The audience is kept guessing about the truth of the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of truth and justice. The protagonist's belief in his own innocence clashes with the officers' suspicions and questioning, challenging his values and worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes anxiety and tension, drawing the audience into the emotional turmoil of the characters.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and drives the scene forward, creating a sense of urgency and suspense.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, the conflict between characters, and the gradual reveal of information. The tension and suspense keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of conflict and revelations. The rhythm of the dialogue and the interactions between characters contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines are concise and effective.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a police interrogation scene, with a clear progression of events and dialogue. The formatting and pacing contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of pacing and tension, with the interrogation feeling somewhat flat and predictable.
  • The dialogue between Officer Roberts and Steve lacks depth and nuance, with Roberts coming across as a stereotypical aggressive cop and Steve as a typical suspect.
  • There is a lack of subtlety in the character interactions, with Roberts being overly confrontational and Steve being too defensive.
  • The scene could benefit from more character development and complexity to make the interrogation more engaging and suspenseful.
  • The setting and visual descriptions could be enhanced to create a more immersive and atmospheric environment for the interrogation.
Suggestions
  • Add layers to the characters of Officer Roberts and Steve to make their interactions more dynamic and engaging.
  • Introduce twists or surprises in the interrogation to keep the audience guessing and create more tension.
  • Consider adding subtext and hidden agendas to the dialogue to make the scene more intriguing.
  • Enhance the setting with details that reflect the mood and tone of the interrogation, adding to the overall atmosphere of the scene.
  • Focus on building suspense and escalating the conflict gradually throughout the interrogation to keep the audience invested.



Scene 28 -  The Polygraph
INT. ROOM AT POLICE STATION - DAY

Steve sits a smaller room. A technician is set up for the
polygraph.

TECHNICIAN
Is your name Steve Townsend?

STEVE TOWNSEND
Yes.
76.


TECHNICIAN
Is your address one-twenty-five Elm
Street?

STEVE TOWNSEND
Yes.

TECHNICIAN
How old are you?

STEVE TOWNSEND
Thirty-three.

TECHNICIAN
Do you know Clayton Kingsley?

STEVE TOWNSEND
Yes.

TECHNICIAN
Did you see him July third?

STEVE TOWNSEND
No.

TECHNICIAN
Did you take him?

STEVE TOWNSEND
No.

TECHNICIAN
Did you know Kelly Taylor?

Steve’s body tenses.

STEVE TOWNSEND
Yes.

TECHNICIAN
Were you an accomplice in the
abduction of Cheryl Hubert's baby?

STEVE TOWNSEND
It wasn't an abduction! I was
helping my friend get his baby
back.

TECHNICIAN
Just yes or no.

Steve shifts his body, closing his eyes for a second before
nodding to the technician.
77.


TECHNICIAN (CONT’D)
Do you own your own business?

STEVE TOWNSEND
Yes.

TECHNICIAN
Where is it?

STEVE TOWNSEND
Ten-sixty Main Street.

TECHNICIAN
Did you take Jimmy Waters?

STEVE TOWNSEND
No!

TECHNICIAN
Did you take Clayton Kingsley?

STEVE TOWNSEND
No. I didn't!

The technician’s tone is flat and clinical.

TECHNICIAN
That’s all. You can leave now.

Steve sits stunned for several seconds while the technician
unhooks the polygraph machine. Then, without a backward
glance, he storms out of the police station.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Crime"]

Summary Steve Townsend undergoes a polygraph test at a police station, denying involvement in the abduction of Cheryl Hubert's baby. He claims to have been helping Clayton Kingsley retrieve his own child. The technician remains neutral, leaving the viewer unsure of Steve's truthfulness. Despite a tense atmosphere, the test concludes, and Steve departs without a word, seemingly in shock.
Strengths
  • Intense interrogation scene
  • Emotional depth and complexity of characters
  • High stakes and suspenseful tone
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel repetitive or overly dramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is gripping and intense, with a high level of tension and emotional depth. It keeps the audience engaged and raises questions about Steve's innocence and past actions.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using a polygraph test during an interrogation adds a layer of suspense and uncertainty to the scene. It explores the theme of trust and credibility in a compelling way.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Steve is questioned about his connection to the missing child, adding complexity and intrigue to the storyline. The revelation of his past involvement with another child's disappearance raises the stakes.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar interrogation setting but adds a twist by revealing the protagonist's internal conflict and the philosophical tension between truth and perception. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Steve, are well-developed and complex. Steve's defensive and determined demeanor adds depth to his portrayal, while the technicians provide a contrasting clinical tone.

Character Changes: 7

Steve undergoes a subtle character change as his past actions and motivations are revealed, adding complexity to his portrayal. The scene sets the stage for further character development and revelations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his innocence and integrity despite the accusatory questions. This reflects his deeper need for justice and truth to prevail.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to prove his innocence and avoid being falsely accused of crimes he did not commit.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with Steve facing accusations and suspicions about his involvement in the missing child case. The tension between him and the interrogators creates a compelling dynamic.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing accusatory questions and the threat of being falsely accused, creating uncertainty and conflict.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as Steve's credibility and innocence are called into question, potentially impacting the investigation and the search for the missing child. The outcome of the interrogation has significant consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about Steve's past and potential involvement in the missing child case. It raises questions and adds layers of complexity to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience is unsure of the protagonist's innocence until the final moments of the interrogation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between truth and perception. The protagonist's belief in his innocence clashes with the technician's clinical questioning and assumptions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a significant emotional impact, as Steve's desperation and denial evoke empathy and intrigue. The audience is drawn into the emotional turmoil and uncertainty of the situation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, revealing crucial information about Steve's past and current situation. It effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and conflict in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, the protagonist's emotional response, and the tension between truth and perception.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension and suspense throughout the interrogation, leading to a satisfying resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy scene in a screenplay, with clear character cues and minimal description.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a police interrogation scene, with a clear progression of questions and answers leading to a climax.


Critique
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and intensity considering the gravity of the situation. Steve's reactions to the questions posed by the technician seem subdued and detached, which doesn't convey the urgency or stress he should be feeling.
  • The dialogue feels somewhat stilted and lacks natural flow, especially in Steve's responses to the technician's questions. There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into Steve's emotions and internal conflict during the polygraph test.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues to enhance the tension and suspense. Adding descriptions of Steve's body language, facial expressions, and the technician's demeanor would help create a more immersive and engaging atmosphere.
  • The technician's questions feel somewhat repetitive and don't build a strong sense of narrative tension. There is a need for more dynamic and impactful questioning to heighten the stakes and keep the audience invested in Steve's predicament.
  • Overall, the scene lacks a sense of climax or resolution, leaving Steve's emotional journey and the outcome of the polygraph test feeling unresolved and anticlimactic.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding internal monologue or thoughts for Steve to provide insight into his mindset and emotional state during the polygraph test. This will help the audience connect with his character on a deeper level.
  • Introduce more conflict and obstacles within the scene to raise the stakes and create a sense of urgency. This could involve the technician challenging Steve further or introducing unexpected revelations during the test.
  • Enhance the dialogue by making it more dynamic and realistic. Focus on creating a natural back-and-forth exchange between Steve and the technician that reflects the tension and high-pressure environment of a polygraph test.
  • Include more sensory details and visual cues to immerse the audience in the scene. Describe the setting, characters' body language, and the technician's demeanor to enhance the atmosphere and build suspense.
  • Consider restructuring the scene to build towards a more dramatic climax or revelation. Add a twist or unexpected turn of events during the polygraph test to keep the audience engaged and eager to see the outcome.



Scene 29 -  A Mother's Desperation
INT. JENNY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

The RINGING phone rouses a sleeping Jenny. She grabs for the
handset.

JENNY
Hello.

She listens for several seconds.

JENNY (CONT’D)
Who is this?

PSYCHIC (V.O.)
I've seen your son.

JENNY
Where is he? Is he okay?
78.


PSYCHIC (V.O.)
I ... had a dream ... he's in the
woods.

JENNY
Who is this?

PSYCHIC (V.O.)
My name is Zaphira VanAlton.

JENNY
Do I know you?

PSYCHIC (V.O.)
I had a dream.

Jenny closes her eyes still clutching the phone.

PSYCHIC (V.O.)
I saw him ... in the ground ...
wood over him ... it’s dark ...
lots of trees...

Tears roll down Jenny's face.

JENNY
Please ... tell me he’s okay.

PSYCHIC (V.O.)
For now ...

DIAL TONE. Jenny clutches the handset to her ear. The volume
of the DIAL Tone increases.

Jenny struggles to hang up the phone. A sudden flash
illuminates the bedroom followed by a crack of thunder.

Torrents of rain beat against the house. Jenny sobs into her
pillow.


EXT. PARK - DAY

Jenny jogs to the park. Pale and drained from lack of sleep,
she flops onto a wooden bench. Mothers watch their children
playing in the large sandbox or swings or monkey bars.

Tears cloud Jenny’s eyes. She blinks them away. More come.
She pulls a folded photo out of her pocket and approaches a
woman rocking a baby in a stroller.

JENNY
Have you seen this boy?
79.


The woman shakes her head.

JENNY (CONT’D)
Are you sure? He’s been missing for
three days now.

The woman shakes her head again, pulling the stroller closer
to her.

Jenny goes around the perimeter of the playground, showing
the photo, asking questions. No one has seen him. She turns
away, her shoulders slumped.

Something catches her attention. The back of a blond-haired
child. The blue shorts and white shirt are painfully
familiar. A woman is leading him out of the park.

Jenny runs. They are almost out of the park. Trees obstruct
her view. She runs faster. A few more feet. She reaches her
arm out --

She grabs him. He screams, struggles. Turning him around, she
freezes.

It's not Clayton.

GRANDMOTHER
What are you doing? Leave my
grandson alone!

Jenny stumbles back.

JENNY
Sorry. Sorry. I thought it was my
son. He's missing.

WOMAN
Crazy lady. Get away from us.

The woman grabs the boy’s arm and pulls him away. Frozen,
Jenny stares after them as they hurry out of the park.

Finally, she can move and just as she is turning, she sees a
familiar car.

Steve has stopped at the road. A young boy (about 10) is
getting out of his car. Hugging her chest, Jenny struggles to
breathe.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Haunted by a cryptic phone call from a psychic predicting her son's disappearance, Jenny frantically searches for Clayton at a park. She mistakenly identifies another boy as her son, leading to a tense confrontation. The scene ends on a note of both hope and confusion as she sees Steve with a young boy, leaving the audience questioning the boy's identity and the fate of Clayton.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Emotional depth
  • Mystery elements
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension, emotion, and mystery, keeping the audience engaged and invested in Jenny's search for her son.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a mother's desperate search for her missing child is a powerful and relatable theme that drives the emotional core of the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Jenny receives a potential lead on her son's whereabouts, experiences a false alarm at the park, and encounters Steve, adding layers of mystery and conflict.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique blend of mystery, psychic elements, and emotional depth, creating a fresh approach to the theme of a missing child. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, particularly Jenny and Steve, are well-developed and their interactions add depth to the scene, showcasing their emotional struggles and conflicting motivations.

Character Changes: 7

Jenny undergoes emotional turmoil and moments of false hope, adding layers to her character as she navigates the uncertainty of her son's disappearance.

Internal Goal: 8

Jenny's internal goal is to find her missing son and ensure his safety. This reflects her deep love for her child and her fear of losing him.

External Goal: 7.5

Jenny's external goal is to physically locate her missing son in the park. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, from Jenny's emotional turmoil to the mystery surrounding her son's disappearance and the tension between Steve and the police.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Jenny facing multiple obstacles in her search for her son, including skepticism, misunderstandings, and emotional turmoil.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Jenny grapples with the possibility of losing her son, facing false alarms, and encountering suspicious characters, heightening the tension and urgency of the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new leads, raising questions about Steve's involvement, and deepening the mystery surrounding Clayton's disappearance.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in Jenny's search for her son, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Jenny's belief in the psychic's abilities and her skepticism. This challenges her worldview and forces her to confront the possibility of supernatural forces at play.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, sadness, and desperation, drawing the audience into Jenny's heartbreaking journey to find her missing son.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and suspicions, adding tension and depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, suspenseful plot, and relatable protagonist, drawing the audience into Jenny's desperate search for her son.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a balance of slower emotional moments and faster action sequences, contributing to its overall effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is well-formatted with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting, following the expected format for a screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, climax, and resolution, fitting the expected format for a suspenseful drama.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a dramatic phone call from a psychic, introducing a supernatural element that feels out of place in the context of the rest of the script, which has been grounded in reality. This sudden shift in tone may confuse the audience and detract from the overall story.
  • The dialogue between Jenny and the psychic feels forced and unnatural, lacking depth and emotional authenticity. The psychic's vague and cryptic messages come across as cliched and melodramatic, diminishing the impact of the scene.
  • The transition from the phone call to Jenny jogging in the park is abrupt and disjointed, lacking a smooth connection between the two moments. This sudden shift in setting and tone can be disorienting for the audience.
  • The interaction between Jenny and the other park-goers, particularly the misunderstanding with the grandmother and the young boy, feels contrived and lacks emotional depth. The emotional stakes of Jenny's search for her son are not effectively conveyed in this scene.
  • The introduction of Steve's character at the end of the scene feels rushed and tacked on, without proper development or context. His sudden appearance adds confusion rather than clarity to the narrative.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the supernatural element introduced by the psychic to better align with the realistic tone of the rest of the script. Focus on building tension and suspense through more grounded means.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Jenny and the psychic to make it more authentic and emotionally resonant. Develop the psychic's character and motivations to add depth to the scene.
  • Improve the transition between the phone call and Jenny's presence in the park by establishing a clearer connection or continuity between the two moments. Ensure a smooth flow of events to maintain audience engagement.
  • Refine the interactions between Jenny and the park-goers to heighten the emotional impact of her search for her son. Create more nuanced and realistic reactions from the characters to enhance the authenticity of the scene.
  • Integrate Steve's introduction more organically into the scene by providing context and background for his character. Develop his role in a way that contributes meaningfully to the narrative and enhances the overall storytelling.



Scene 30 -  Bar Confrontation
EXT. JENNY’S BACK PORCH - DAY

Jenny punches and kicks the punching bag. Her strikes are
becoming more coordinated and effective.
80.


INT. BAR - NIGHT

Steve and Mike sit in a booth at “Casey's Bar and Grill”.

MIKE THOMPSON
Want another?

STEVE TOWNSEND
Sure. One more.

He slams the bottle on the table and curses. Mike's eyebrows
rise.

MIKE THOMPSON
Something wrong?

Steve tips the beer bottle toward the door.

STEVE TOWNSEND
Look what a bad wind blew in.

Mike turns.

MIKE THOMPSON
Sure is a foul stench to the air
over there. You’d think Casey would
find some excuse to keep that kind
of trash out of here.

They watch as Joe Roberts sits at the bar beside an
attractive redhead and attempts to pick her up. Steve’s grin
suddenly fades.

Roberts notices them and approaches.

STEVE TOWNSEND
I think my luck just ran out.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
What are you gawking at Townsend?

Steve ignores Roberts who stands beside the booth.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS (CONT’D)
You were laughing at me, weren’t
you?

STEVE TOWNSEND
Nothing you do is of interest to
me, Roberts.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
You were staring at me.
81.


Steve slowly looks up.

STEVE TOWNSEND
I can look wherever I want. It’s a
free world ... At least in here.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
You looking for trouble, Townsend?

STEVE TOWNSEND
Just leave me alone.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
It’s a public place.

STEVE TOWNSEND
And this is my table. And I don’t
want you here.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
Is that so?

MIKE THOMPSON
I don’t want you here either.

Roberts sneers at Mike.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
Shut your trap. I’m not talking to
you.

STEVE TOWNSEND
Leave him out of this, Roberts. Now
clear off.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
What, a baby snatcher like you
giving a policeman orders?

Steve clenches his beer.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS (CONT’D)
You sure you didn’t have anything
to do with the Kingsley boy? Did
you take him for a ride, too?

STEVE TOWNSEND
What are you taking about?

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
The kid you had in your car today.
What about him?
82.


Steve lunges at Roberts, grabbing him by his shirt, he pushes
his knuckles into the cop's trachea. Roberts struggles. His
face up to Roberts, his voice low and cold as ice, Steve
spits at him.

STEVE TOWNSEND
That, for your information, was my
nephew. Now bugger off.

Steve shoves him away and sits back down taking a long chug
of his beer. The bar owner, CASEY, (late 50’s), big, burly,
no-nonsense kind of guy, approaches.

CASEY
Some sort of trouble here, boys?

STEVE TOWNSEND
Nope. Roberts just stopped by to
say hello. Now he’s saying goodbye.
Right, Roberts?

Roberts, with a hand to his throat, glares at Steve then
turns and stomps away. Casey puts his hand on Steve’s
shoulder.

CASEY
Don’t let that asshole get to you.
He’s not worth it.

Casey sits beside Steve and waves to one of the servers.

CASEY (CONT’D)
The next round’s on me, boys.
Karen, three beers over here.

Karen brings the beers. Mike grins, and grabbing one of the
bottles, tips it toward the others.

MIKE THOMPSON
Let’s drink a toast to
Scottsville’s finest. The good
ones. And let’s hope the assholes
like him get what’s coming to them.

Three bottles clink. Meanwhile, Ray Kingsley sits alone in a
back booth. There are several empty bottles in front of him.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Steve and Mike are at a bar when police officer Joe Roberts enters and accuses Steve of being involved in the disappearance of a young boy. Steve loses his temper and physically assaults Roberts, forcing him to leave the bar. The bar owner, Casey, intervenes and offers to buy the next round of drinks for Steve and Mike, who toast to the good people of Scottsville. The scene ends with a tense atmosphere as Roberts leaves the bar.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of resolution in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and conflict through the dialogue and actions of the characters, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a confrontation between a suspect and a police officer in a public setting adds depth to the narrative and raises questions about the characters' motivations and past interactions.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as suspicions and tensions between characters escalate, adding layers to the mystery surrounding Clayton's disappearance.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar setting and conflict but adds a fresh twist with the protagonist's familial connection to the situation. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions reveal their personalities, motivations, and conflicts, enhancing the overall drama of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Steve Townsend's confrontation with Officer Joe Roberts reveals more about his past and motivations, leading to potential character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his composure and assert his authority in the face of a confrontational situation. This reflects his need for control and respect, as well as his fear of being undermined or disrespected.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to avoid a physical altercation with the police officer and protect his reputation in front of his peers. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining his social standing and avoiding legal trouble.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Steve Townsend and Officer Joe Roberts is intense and palpable, creating a sense of unease and suspense for the audience.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the police officer serving as a formidable antagonist who challenges the protagonist's authority and integrity. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the tension.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the scene are evident as suspicions and tensions escalate, potentially leading to significant consequences for the characters involved.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the mystery surrounding Clayton's disappearance and introducing new conflicts and suspicions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected familial connection between the protagonist and the police officer, adding a layer of complexity and tension to the conflict.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's sense of justice and the corrupt authority represented by the police officer. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in fairness and integrity, as well as his loyalty to his family.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' confrontations, adding depth to their relationships and motivations.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and reveals the underlying tensions and suspicions between the characters, driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, intense conflict, and dynamic character interactions. The escalating tension keeps the audience on edge and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and a climactic confrontation. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting. It adheres to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a typical format for a confrontational scene in a bar setting, with escalating tension and a resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Jenny punching and kicking a punching bag, which seems disconnected from the previous intense confrontation between Steve and Officer Roberts. The transition between the two scenes could be smoother to maintain the tension and continuity.
  • The dialogue between Steve and Officer Roberts feels a bit forced and cliched, lacking depth and subtlety in their interaction. The insults and accusations come across as predictable and stereotypical.
  • The physical altercation between Steve and Roberts escalates quickly without much buildup or justification, making it feel abrupt and unrealistic. The violence seems out of character for Steve based on the previous scenes.
  • The introduction of the bar owner, Casey, and his intervention feels contrived and serves as a convenient way to defuse the situation. It would be more effective to have a more organic resolution to the conflict between Steve and Roberts.
  • The scene ends with a toast to 'Scottsville's finest' and a vague reference to 'assholes like him', which lacks clarity and resolution. The thematic significance of this toast is unclear and doesn't tie back to the central plot or character arcs.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the opening of the scene to better connect it with the previous events and maintain the narrative flow. Perhaps show Jenny reacting to the news of Steve's confrontation with Officer Roberts.
  • Focus on developing more nuanced and realistic dialogue between Steve and Officer Roberts to add depth to their conflict. Explore their motivations and emotions to make the interaction more engaging.
  • Reconsider the escalation of the physical altercation between Steve and Roberts to ensure it feels justified and authentic to the characters. Build up the tension gradually to make the confrontation more impactful.
  • Instead of introducing a new character like Casey to resolve the conflict, find a more organic way for Steve and Roberts to reach a resolution. This could involve a more meaningful conversation or a change in dynamics between the characters.
  • Provide a clearer resolution to the scene by tying the toast to a specific theme or character development. Make sure the dialogue and actions in the scene contribute to the overall narrative and character arcs.



Scene 31 -  Trapped
EXT. JENNY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

A man watches Jenny's darkened house. Sneaking around the
back, he pushes in a basement window.
83.


INT. JENNY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

The man makes his way from the basement to the second floor.
He watches Jenny sleeping before moving on to Clayton's room.

Using a penlight, he crosses to the closet, rifling through
clothes. He grabs a sweater and a small fleece jacket off the
hangers. Noticing a stuffed bear on the bed, he takes it too.

As he turns to leave, his shoulder knocks the dresser and a
china ornament CLATTERS to the floor and SHATTERS. He stands
frozen, listening.


INT. JENNY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

FOOTSTEPS. Jenny slowly rouses.

JENNY
Ray, is that you?

Getting up, she tiptoes to the hall.


INT. JENNY'S HOUSE

The man runs out of Clayton’s room, down the hall. He heads
for the stairs. Jenny is behind him.

JENNY
Who are you? What are you doing
here?

She kicks out at him catching his lower back. He stumbles
forward. He grabs the handrail, tries desperately to keep
from tumbling down the stairs.

Jenny follows, bracing herself with the handrail. She takes
several more kicks at the man as they both make their way
down the stairs.

He makes it to the bottom of the stairs, stumbles to the
front door. Jenny is still on the stairs. He yanks open the
door, runs out. He slams the door in Jenny’s face. She pulls
on the door. It is stuck.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary A man breaks into Jenny's house through the basement window. He steals clothes and a stuffed bear from Clayton's room, but is startled by a falling ornament and runs away. Jenny is awakened by the commotion and chases the man down the stairs, kicking him in the process. The man stumbles out of the house, slamming the door shut behind him. Jenny is unable to open the door and is left locked inside her own home.
Strengths
  • Building suspense
  • Creating tension
  • Evoking fear and anxiety
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue
  • Slightly predictable plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and fear through the home invasion scenario, keeping the audience on edge and engaged with the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a home invasion in the middle of the night is a classic thriller trope that is executed well in this scene, creating a sense of danger and urgency.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around Jenny's confrontation with an intruder in her house, adding a new layer of tension and conflict to the overall story.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate, with a familiar premise of a home invasion but unique character dynamics and actions that add authenticity and tension to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Jenny's character is portrayed as brave and protective, while the intruder remains mysterious and threatening, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

Jenny undergoes a moment of intense fear and bravery as she confronts the intruder, showcasing her protective instincts and courage.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect herself and her home from the intruder. This reflects her deeper need for safety and security.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to confront and stop the intruder from stealing her belongings. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing of protecting her home and possessions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with Jenny facing a dangerous intruder in her own home, creating a sense of urgency and danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the intruder posing a significant threat to Jenny's safety and security, creating a sense of danger and suspense for the audience.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as Jenny must protect herself and her son from a dangerous intruder, adding tension and urgency to the story.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new threat and raising the stakes for Jenny and her son, driving the narrative towards a resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and reactions of the characters, creating a sense of tension and uncertainty about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between the intruder's disregard for others' property and Jenny's sense of justice and protection of her home. This challenges Jenny's beliefs about safety and trust in her community.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear and anxiety in the audience, as they empathize with Jenny's terrifying situation.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but effective in conveying the fear and tension between Jenny and the intruder.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and suspenseful atmosphere that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue cues that enhance readability and visual storytelling.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for a suspenseful thriller genre, with a clear progression of events and escalating tension leading to a climactic confrontation.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a mysterious man breaking into Jenny's house, creating a sense of suspense and danger. This is a good way to build tension and intrigue in the story.
  • The man's actions of stealing clothes and a stuffed bear from Clayton's room add a sinister element to the scene, indicating a potential threat to Jenny and Clayton.
  • Jenny's reaction to the intruder is realistic, showing her fear and determination to confront the man despite the danger.
  • The physical confrontation between Jenny and the intruder is intense and well-described, adding to the suspense of the scene.
  • The scene ends on a cliffhanger with the man escaping and Jenny trapped inside the house, leaving the audience eager to know what happens next.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for Jenny during the confrontation to deepen her character development and provide insight into her mindset.
  • Provide more context or hints about the intruder's identity or motives to further intrigue the audience and set up future plot developments.
  • Explore the aftermath of the break-in in the following scenes to show the impact on Jenny and Clayton, as well as the resolution of this plot thread.
  • Consider incorporating elements of foreshadowing or symbolism related to the stolen items (clothes, stuffed bear) to enhance the thematic depth of the scene.
  • Ensure a smooth transition from this scene to the next to maintain the pacing and flow of the screenplay.



Scene 32 -  Intruder and a Drunk
EXT.STREET IN FRONT OF JENNY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

The man runs down the street. He has an evident limp.
84.


INT. JENNY’S FRONT DOOR - NIGHT

Jenny pulls on the door. Finally, it opens.


EXT. STREET IN FRONT OF JENNY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

The street is empty. No man. No unknown vehicles.


INT. JENNY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Jenny slumps onto the chesterfield, sobbing. She grabs the
phone, starts to dial but is interrupted.


INT. JENNY’S FRONT HALLWAY - NIGHT

SCRAPING of metal. The front door opens.

JENNY (O.S.)
Who's there?

SHUFFLING, GROANS, MUMBLING.

STEVE TOWNSEND
It’s just me. I've got Ray.

Jenny comes into the hallway.

JENNY
What’s going on?

Steve supports a drunk Ray.

STEVE TOWNSEND
Sorry. He was at “Casey’s” and had
a bit too much to drink.

JENNY
That’s an understatement.

STEVE TOWNSEND
Where do you want me to put him?

JENNY
You don’t want me to answer that
one.

Steve grins.
85.


STEVE TOWNSEND
I could just dump him on the back
porch. He won’t remember how he got
home anyway.

JENNY
The back porch sounds good.
Especially if we get more rain.

Jenny grins back at Steve.

JENNY (CONT’D)
Just put him in the family room. I
don’t care... Someone was here! a
man. He broke in ....

STEVE TOWNSEND
What are you talking about?

JENNY
He’s gone now.

She nods to Ray.

JENNY (CONT’D)
Deal with him first.

STEVE TOWNSEND
Bring me some towels. I’ll cover
the couch in case he throws up.

Steve heads off with Ray, Jenny goes toward the stairs.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Jenny returns home to find her front door open and believes a man broke in. She frantically searches the house but finds nothing. Just as she is panicking, Steve Townsend arrives with a drunk Ray who needs help getting into the house. Steve dismisses Jenny's concerns about the intruder and suggests they deal with Ray first, leaving Jenny's fear unresolved.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension, emotion, and mystery, keeping the audience engaged and invested in Jenny's predicament.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a break-in at Jenny's house adds a layer of suspense and danger to the scene, while also showcasing the relationships between the characters.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Jenny deals with the aftermath of the break-in and Ray's drunken state, adding complexity to the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on a familiar situation, blending humor with tension to create a unique atmosphere. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Jenny and Steve, show depth and emotion in their interactions, making them relatable and engaging.

Character Changes: 7

Jenny shows resilience and strength in the face of danger, while Steve demonstrates his protective instincts and loyalty.

Internal Goal: 8

Jenny's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and composure despite the chaotic situation unfolding. This reflects her need for stability and security in the face of uncertainty.

External Goal: 7

Jenny's external goal is to deal with the drunk Ray and address the potential break-in by the unknown man. This reflects the immediate challenges she is facing in her home.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Jenny, the intruder, and Ray's drunken state creates tension and suspense, driving the scene forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and drive the plot forward, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' actions.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Jenny faces a break-in and must protect herself and Ray, adding urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new threat and deepening the relationships between the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected arrival of Ray and the mention of a mysterious intruder. The audience is left wondering about the resolution of these plot points.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Jenny's desire for safety and Steve's casual attitude towards the situation. This challenges Jenny's values of responsibility and security.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact is high as Jenny deals with fear, vulnerability, and the safety of her home and loved ones.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and helps to reveal the characters' personalities and relationships, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, tension, and mystery. The dynamic between Jenny and Steve keeps the audience invested in the unfolding events.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action and dialogue that maintains momentum and builds tension effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with proper scene headings and character cues. It is easy to follow and visually engaging.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct beats and transitions between locations. It maintains a cohesive flow that enhances the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a sense of suspense and tension as the man with a limp runs down the street, creating a mysterious and intriguing atmosphere.
  • The transition from the exterior street to Jenny's front door is smooth and helps maintain the flow of the scene.
  • Jenny's emotional state is well portrayed as she slumps onto the chesterfield, sobbing, which adds depth to her character and engages the audience.
  • The introduction of Steve and Ray adds a new dynamic to the scene, but the focus shifts abruptly from the potential intruder to dealing with Ray's drunken state, which disrupts the tension and suspense built up earlier.
  • The dialogue between Jenny and Steve feels natural and helps to establish their relationship, but the resolution of the potential break-in is not fully addressed, leaving the audience hanging.
  • The scene ends with a sense of unresolved conflict, as Jenny mentions a man breaking in but the focus shifts to dealing with Ray, leaving the audience wondering about the intruder's fate.
Suggestions
  • Consider maintaining the focus on the potential intruder and resolving that conflict before shifting to dealing with Ray's drunken state to keep the suspense and tension consistent.
  • Provide closure to the subplot of the man breaking in by either having Jenny confront him or addressing his disappearance to satisfy the audience's curiosity.
  • Explore the emotional impact of the break-in on Jenny further to add depth to her character and enhance the audience's connection with her.
  • Consider adding more visual cues or hints about the potential intruder to build anticipation and suspense throughout the scene.
  • Ensure a smoother transition between the different elements of the scene to maintain a cohesive narrative flow and keep the audience engaged.



Scene 33 -  An Unwelcome Guest
INT. CLAYTON'S BEDROOM

Carrying towels, Jenny pauses to look into Clayton's room.
She sees the broken ornament and SCREAMS. Steve runs up the
stairs and comes into the room.

STEVE TOWNSEND
What's wrong?

JENNY
Someone's been here! That man, he
was in here!

STEVE TOWNSEND
I’m calling the police.
86.


INT. JENNY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Steve and Jenny sit in the living room. Officer Charlton
arrives and checks the house.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
It looks like he came in through a
basement window.
The lock’s been pried, and it was
left open.
(beat)
I assume you didn’t leave it that
way?

JENNY
I’ve never opened the basement
windows.

Jenny leans forward, cries.

JENNY (CONT’D)
It was him! He was in Clayton’s
room.

Officer Charlton looks intense.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
We can’t be sure.

JENNY
(yelling)
It was him! I know it was.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
There’s some broken branches on the
shrubs. I couldn’t see any
footprints. I don't think he'll
come back. Just make sure all your
doors and windows are locked.

Steve nods to Charlton.

STEVE TOWNSEND
I'll check them all before I go.

Charlton leaves. Steve goes to secure the house.
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Jenny discovers a broken ornament in Clayton's room, indicating an intrusion. She believes the intruder is the man who previously threatened them. Officer Charlton investigates, finding evidence of forced entry but no footprints. He reassures Jenny that the intruder may not return but advises her to secure her home. The scene ends with Jenny and Steve left alone with their fear and uncertainty.
Strengths
  • Building suspense
  • Emotional depth
  • Strong conflict
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity on the intruder's identity

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and adds a new layer of intrigue to the story. The emotional impact is strong, and the conflict is palpable, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a potential intruder in Jenny's house adds a new dimension to the mystery surrounding Clayton's disappearance. It raises the stakes and creates a sense of urgency.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens with the introduction of the potential intruder, adding a new layer of conflict and suspense. It keeps the story moving forward and maintains the audience's interest.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar situation of a break-in but adds a twist with the uncertainty of whether the intruder was actually in the house. The authenticity of the characters' reactions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Jenny and Steve's reactions to the situation are authentic and heighten the tension in the scene. Their emotions and actions drive the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 6

Jenny experiences a shift in her emotional state, moving from shock and fear to determination to protect herself and her family. This change adds depth to her character.

Internal Goal: 8

Jenny's internal goal in this scene is to feel safe and protect her family. This reflects her deeper need for security and her fear of harm coming to her loved ones.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to ensure the safety of her family and home after a potential break-in. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a possible threat to their security.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with Jenny's fear and Steve's determination to protect her driving the tension. The uncertainty of the intruder's identity adds to the conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong as the characters face a potential threat and conflicting beliefs about the intruder's presence.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as Jenny's safety and the well-being of her family are threatened by the potential intruder. The sense of danger is palpable.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new element of danger and uncertainty. It adds complexity to the narrative and propels the plot towards a resolution.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it leaves the audience unsure about the intruder's actual presence in the house, adding a layer of mystery and tension.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between Jenny's certainty that the intruder was in the house and Officer Charlton's skepticism. This challenges Jenny's beliefs and values about protecting her family and the reliability of law enforcement.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact is significant, with Jenny's fear and distress palpable throughout the scene. The audience is likely to feel a sense of unease and suspense.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations in response to the intruder situation. It adds to the suspense and conflict in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of suspense and danger, keeping the audience on edge as they wonder about the intruder's presence.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually and maintaining a sense of urgency.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a suspenseful moment in a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a suspenseful moment in a screenplay, with escalating tension and a resolution.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a strong sense of tension and fear as Jenny discovers the broken ornament in Clayton's room, creating a sense of danger and intrusion.
  • The dialogue between Jenny and Steve effectively conveys Jenny's fear and Steve's calm response, adding to the contrasting emotions in the scene.
  • Officer Charlton's arrival adds a sense of authority and investigation, but the resolution of the potential break-in feels somewhat abrupt and lacks a deeper exploration of the threat.
  • Jenny's emotional outburst and insistence that the intruder was in Clayton's room could be further developed to show her desperation and fear more vividly.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues to enhance the suspense and fear, such as lingering shots on the broken ornament or the basement window to emphasize the intrusion.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more details about the potential intruder to heighten the sense of danger and mystery in the scene.
  • Explore Jenny's emotional state further by delving into her past experiences or fears that may be triggered by the break-in.
  • Provide a more conclusive resolution to the break-in, perhaps by introducing a clue or piece of evidence that leads to a deeper investigation.
  • Enhance the visual elements of the scene to create a more immersive and suspenseful atmosphere, using lighting, camera angles, and set design to build tension.
  • Consider incorporating a subplot or twist related to the break-in to add complexity and intrigue to the overall narrative.



Scene 34 -  Alone in the Face of Danger
INT. JENNY'S LIVING ROOM

Jenny paces the living room. Steve comes back into the room.
87.


STEVE TOWNSEND
I've locked all the windows and the
back door. Do you want me to stay?

JENNY
I think I'll be okay.

STEVE TOWNSEND
Just call. I'll come right back.

Jenny tries to smile.

JENNY
I'll scream if I need you.

STEVE TOWNSEND
Lock the door behind me.

Steve places a hand on her shoulder, then gently touches her
cheek before going out the door.


INT. JENNY'S KITCHEN - DAY

Jenny sits at the kitchen table across from Ray.

JENNY
You have to go, Ray. I'll let you
know anything that happens.

RAY KINGSLEY
I want to stay. It's my son, too.

JENNY
You need to go.

Ray stares at Jenny for several seconds.

RAY KINGSLEY
You’ve changed.

Jenny shrugs, not looking away.

JENNY
One of us had to.

RAY KINGSLEY
I promise I’ll stay in touch. Take
this. I’ll get another one.

Ray hands her his cell phone.
88.


JENNY
I’ll let you know as soon as I hear
anything.

Ray stretches a hand toward her. She turns away. The door
SLAMS behind him.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary After receiving a threatening call, Jenny is left feeling vulnerable at home. Steve, concerned for her safety, secures the house before leaving, promising to return if needed. Ray, Jenny's ex-husband, arrives and offers to stay, but Jenny, worried for his safety, insists he leave. Despite his desire to help, Ray ultimately agrees and departs, leaving Jenny alone to face the threat.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension building
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight of the situation and sets up further conflict and mystery.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a mother dealing with the disappearance of her child and the strained relationships around her is compelling and drives the emotional core of the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Jenny deals with the aftermath of the break-in and Ray's departure, setting up further developments in the search for Clayton.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh approach to the theme of independence and vulnerability, with nuanced character interactions and authentic dialogue that feel true to life.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Jenny and Steve, are well-developed and their interactions reveal their emotional depth and conflicts.

Character Changes: 7

Jenny experiences a shift in her relationship with Ray and Steve, showing growth and resilience in the face of adversity.

Internal Goal: 8

Jenny's internal goal in this scene is to assert her independence and strength in the face of a challenging situation. This reflects her deeper need for autonomy and self-reliance, as well as her fear of vulnerability and dependence on others.

External Goal: 7

Jenny's external goal in this scene is to protect herself and her home from potential danger. This reflects the immediate circumstances of a perceived threat or risk to her safety.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is internal conflict within Jenny and external conflict with the break-in and the strained relationships, adding layers to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and motivations that create obstacles for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of Clayton's disappearance and the strained relationships add tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the emotional stakes and setting up further developments in the search for Clayton.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics and emotional revelations that keep the audience guessing about the characters' motivations and actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between independence and reliance on others. Jenny's desire to handle the situation alone clashes with the offers of support and assistance from Steve and Ray, challenging her beliefs about strength and vulnerability.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly sadness and determination, as Jenny grapples with the uncertainty of Clayton's fate.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotions between the characters, driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the underlying tension and emotional stakes that keep the audience invested in the characters' choices and relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and emotional resonance through well-timed character interactions and revelations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear scene transitions and character interactions that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension given the context of the previous events in the script. Jenny's pacing and Steve's offer to stay do not convey the heightened emotions and fear that should be present after an intruder broke into the house.
  • The dialogue between Jenny and Steve feels somewhat flat and lacks depth. There is an opportunity to explore their relationship further in this scene, especially considering the stressful situation they are in.
  • The interaction between Jenny and Ray in the kitchen also feels somewhat superficial. There is potential to delve deeper into their history, emotions, and the complexities of co-parenting in a crisis.
  • The physical actions described in the scene, such as Steve touching Jenny's cheek and Ray handing her his cell phone, could be more impactful if they were tied to the characters' emotional states and the gravity of the situation.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual and sensory details to create a stronger atmosphere and immerse the audience in the characters' emotions and surroundings.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal monologue or emotional reactions from Jenny to convey her fear, anxiety, and determination to protect herself and her son.
  • Explore the dynamics between Jenny and Steve further by incorporating subtext, unresolved tension, or moments of vulnerability to make their interaction more engaging.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Jenny and Ray to reveal deeper layers of their relationship, past conflicts, and current emotions in the face of a crisis.
  • Revise the physical actions in the scene to be more emotionally charged and reflective of the characters' internal struggles and the gravity of the situation.
  • Introduce more sensory details, such as sounds, smells, and physical sensations, to heighten the tension and create a more immersive experience for the audience.



Scene 35 -  The Scent of Hope
INT. JENNY'S FRONT DOOR - DAY

KNOCKING. Jenny opens the door to a rugged, sun-wizened,
man. BILL CLEMENTS, late 60’s, holds a faded baseball cap in
his work-worn hands.

CLEMENTS
I’m Bill Clements, ma’am. Just got
back from a fishing trip and wanted
to help.

JENNY
The police have a command post at
the Community Centre. They can tell
you what you can do.

CLEMENTS
Dave Charlton suggested I talk to
you. He told me about the police
dog they had look for your boy.

Jenny's shoulders slump, she shakes her head and puts her
hands on the door starting to close it.

JENNY
The dog traced him as far as the
street. The police think he was
taken in a car from there.

CLEMENTS
Yes, that’s what Dave told me. But
I have Missy. She’s a Bloodhound.

He gives her a gap-toothed grin.

CLEMENTS (CONT’D)
She’s mighty good at tracking. I’d
like her to look for the boy. If
that’s all right with you.

He points to an old Ford truck parked in the driveway. A sad-
looking Bloodhound occupies the passenger seat.

JENNY
The police dogs tried.
89.


CLEMENTS
Well, you see, ma’am, Shepherds are
pretty good, but they can only
track for about eight hours. After
that, they can’t find a trail. Now,
a Bloodhound, well, they’ve been
known to find a trail a hundred
days later.

Jenny shakes her head. Clements puts up a defensive hand.

CLEMENTS (CONT’D)
I know that sounds crazy. But I’ve
been raising Bloodhounds for thirty
years now and they’re damned good
trackers.

Clements looks down, his hold on the cap shifts.

CLEMENTS (CONT’D)
Sorry, Miss, didn’t mean to curse.
I just get a bit excited where my
dogs are concerned.

JENNY
Do you really think...?

CLEMENTS
My Missy, she's one of the best.
She’s had real good success. Do you
have something of your son’s, like
pajamas, she could scent from?

Jenny nods.

JENNY
I guess it wouldn't hurt. Come in.

CLEMENTS
I'll just get Missy.


JENNY'S LIVING ROOM

Jenny puts Clayton's pajamas into the large plastic bag
Clements holds open. After Missy sniffs the contents, she
heads toward the back door.

JENNY
I can’t believe she can still find
his trail. It’s been eight days.
And, it rained the other night.
90.


CLEMENTS
Actually, the heat of the sun burns
off the scent. When it cools down,
the scent can be picked up again.

He stretches out a hand to ruffle Missy’s ears.

CLEMENTS (CONT’D)
The moisture in the morning dew, or
after a rain, helps bacteria
release the scent. The water wets
the air and makes the scent
stronger.

Jenny lost interest halfway through his spiel but she follows
him and the dog to the back door.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Desperate to find her missing son, Clayton, Jenny reluctantly allows Bill Clements, a rugged man with a Bloodhound named Missy, to help. Clements, confident in Missy's tracking abilities, uses Clayton's pajamas to give Missy a scent. Missy leads them to the back door, following Clayton's trail, offering a glimmer of hope in the tense search.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Introduction of new character
  • Informative elements on scent tracking
Weaknesses
  • Minimal conflict
  • Lack of emotional depth in some parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces a new character and adds a layer of suspense and hope to the search for Clayton. The dialogue is informative and engaging, keeping the audience intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using a Bloodhound for tracking adds a fresh angle to the investigation, enhancing the complexity of the search for Clayton.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Jenny allows Bill Clements and Missy to help in the search for Clayton, adding a new element to the investigation.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the search for a missing child by incorporating the use of a Bloodhound tracker. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Bill Clements is introduced as a dedicated and knowledgeable tracker, bringing a sense of hope and expertise to the search. Jenny's interaction with him shows her willingness to explore all avenues to find her son.

Character Changes: 5

While there is no significant character change in this scene, Jenny's willingness to accept help from Bill Clements shows her openness to new possibilities in the search for her son.

Internal Goal: 8

Jenny's internal goal is to find her missing son and bring him home safely. This reflects her deep need for closure, her fear of losing her child, and her desire to protect and care for him.

External Goal: 7

Jenny's external goal is to utilize the Bloodhound to track her son's scent and potentially find him. This reflects the immediate challenge of locating her missing child and the obstacles she faces in doing so.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict in this scene is minimal, focusing more on the search for Clayton and the introduction of a new character to aid in the investigation.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Jenny initially hesitant to trust in the Bloodhound tracker and Clements' unconventional methods. The uncertainty of whether the tracker will be successful adds to the tension and conflict in the scene.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are high as Jenny continues to search for her missing son, and the introduction of a new tracker adds a sense of urgency and hope to the investigation.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new element to the investigation and advancing the search for Clayton in a different direction.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected introduction of the Bloodhound tracker and the potential for the search to take a new direction. The audience is left unsure of the outcome and intrigued by the unconventional approach.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between relying on traditional police methods versus trusting in the expertise of a seasoned Bloodhound handler. This challenges Jenny's beliefs in the effectiveness of modern technology versus old-fashioned methods.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of hope and curiosity, as Jenny and Bill Clements work together to find Clayton. The emotional impact is moderate, with a mix of anxiety and determination.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is informative and engaging, especially in the conversation between Jenny and Bill Clements about scent tracking. It adds depth to the scene and keeps the audience interested.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional stakes involved in finding the missing child, the introduction of a unique element with the Bloodhound tracker, and the tension between traditional and unconventional methods of search.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense as the characters discuss the search for the missing child and the potential use of the Bloodhound tracker. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene introduces a new character, Bill Clements, and his Bloodhound, Missy, in an attempt to help find Jenny's missing son. While the introduction of a new character can add depth to the story, it's important to ensure that the character serves a purpose and moves the plot forward.
  • The dialogue between Jenny and Bill Clements feels a bit forced and expository, with Clements explaining the capabilities of his Bloodhound in a lengthy monologue. This exposition could be streamlined to make the conversation more natural and engaging for the audience.
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and fails to capture the urgency and desperation Jenny would likely be feeling after eight days of her son being missing. Adding more emotional depth to Jenny's character and exploring her internal struggles could enhance the impact of the scene.
  • The visual elements in the scene could be improved to create a more immersive experience for the audience. Descriptions of Missy's behavior, Jenny's reactions, and the overall atmosphere could be enhanced to create a more vivid and engaging setting.
  • The scene ends abruptly without a clear resolution or transition to the next scene, leaving the audience hanging. It's important to provide a sense of closure or a hint of what's to come to keep the audience engaged and interested in the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider integrating Bill Clements and Missy into the story more organically, ensuring that their presence serves a clear purpose in advancing the plot or developing the characters.
  • Revise the dialogue between Jenny and Bill Clements to make it more natural and engaging, focusing on essential information and character interactions.
  • Explore Jenny's emotional journey more deeply, delving into her fears, frustrations, and hopes as she navigates the search for her missing son.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions in the scene to create a more immersive and vivid setting, engaging the audience's senses and emotions.
  • Provide a more satisfying conclusion to the scene, either by hinting at the next steps in the search for Clayton or by resolving a smaller subplot within the scene.



Scene 36 -  Searching for Clayton
EXT. JENNY’S BACKYARD - DAY

Missy sniffs at Clayton’s boxing gloves then tracks to the
sandbox and on to the back gate. Clements opens the gate.
Jenny follows them.


EXT. STREET IN FRONT OF JENNY'S HOUSE - DAY

Missy tracks along the street, then stops at the same curb as
the police dog.

CLEMENTS
This is where the Shepherd lost the
trail?

Looking deflated, Jenny nods slowly. Clements puts Missy back
in the truck.

CLEMENTS (CONT’D)
I’ll be in touch.


INT. MARTHA HAWTHORNE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Martha Hawthorne sits slumped in a recliner watching the
news. She looks out the window at the street. A box filled
with letters and cards sits on her lap. She reaches for the
desk phone and dials.

MRS. HAWTHORNE
I think I might know something
about that boy. The one that went
missing.

She pauses, listening.
91.


MRS. HAWTHORNE (CONT’D)
I was sick. I didn't see the news.
Not until today. It might be
nothing. I saw a man with a blonde
boy. He was pushing him into a blue
truck.

She listens again.

MRS. HAWTHORNE (CONT’D)
I told that woman I didn't see him.
But I think it's her missing boy.

Tears roll down her cheek as she watches children playing
outside.


EXT. BILL CLEMENTS HOUSE - DAY

It’s late afternoon, the sky is clear but the ground is damp
from the recent rain. Missy sniffs the air.

CLEMENTS
Time to go, is it, girl?

Clements grabs his backpack and the bag with Clayton's
pajamas. He puts Missy in the truck.


EXT. ROAD OUTSIDE OF TOWN - DAY

Clements stops at a crossroads, gets out and puts the leash
on Missy.

CLEMENTS
Missy, find.

Missy sniffs around the area, then her tail rises, her head
drops and she heads off.


INT. DUG OUT AREA BELOW CABIN - DAY

Clayton lies on a thin woven mat. He is shivering and
coughing. A thin blanket covers his body.

YAPPING, vicious animal CRIES. The child cowers, pulls the
blanket over his head.

The YAPPING and animal CRIES stop. Clayton remains hovering
under the thin blanket.

SCUFFLING sounds come close, then PANTING, WHIMPERING.
92.


Clayton jumps as the cold nose touches his face. Trembling,
he curls into a fetal position. A wet tongue licks his face.

CLAYTON
What are you doing here?

He reaches out to pet a large black dog.

CLAYTON (CONT’D)
How did you get in here?

The dog flops beside him. Clayton curls his body into the
dog, stretching one arm over its back. He has a coughing
spasm.

Clayton and the dog fall asleep.


INT. STOCKLEY'S STORE - DAY

MRS. STOCKLEY
How you doing?

TYRELL WATSON
Fine, ma'am.

MRS. STOCKLEY
Now, this isn’t what you want. This
is the children’s Tylenol. You got
the wrong bottle. I’ll get the
right one for you.

TYRELL WATSON
That’s what I want. It’s for a sick
animal.

MRS. STOCKLEY
If you’re sure. Once you open it,
you can’t return it.

TYRELL WATSON
I won’t be returning it.

His voice is harsh. Mrs. Stockley’s smile fades.

TYRELL WATSON (CONT’D)
Mrs. Stockley, you make the best
pies. Can I have a coffee and a
slice of that blueberry?

He nods to pies behind a glass display case. Her smile
returns.
93.


MRS. STOCKLEY
Well, thank you, Tyrell. I’ll bring
it right over.

Jenny pushes a grocery cart to the checkout. She looks around
as if someone is watching her. She sees a man eating his pie
at one of the booths. He’s watching her.

He waves at her and she recognizes him as the janitor from
Clayton’s school. She waves back.

Mrs. Stockley rings up her purchases. She tips her head
toward Tyrell.

MRS. STOCKLEY (CONT’D)
You remind me of his Patty.

JENNY
Who?

MRS. STOCKLEY
His wife. She went a little crazy
while he was away in the army. She
took off with their son not long
after he came back.

She pauses.

MRS. STOCKLEY (CONT’D)
Come to think of it, the boy looked
a lot like your little one.

Jenny freezes. Gathering her purchases, she hurries out of
the store.
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary The search for missing Clayton intensifies. Mrs. Hawthorne provides a tip about a possible sighting, and Missy tracks with Bill Clements to find him. Clayton is ultimately discovered shivering and coughing in a dugout below a cabin. Meanwhile, Tyrell interacts with Mrs. Stockley at the store, and Jenny encounters Clayton's school janitor, adding another layer of intrigue to the situation.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Emotional depth
  • Intriguing leads
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise
  • Minor pacing issues in transitions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension, introduces new leads, and maintains emotional depth, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the search for Clayton.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using a Bloodhound for tracking, the mysterious phone call from Mrs. Hawthorne, and the potential connection to Tyrell Watson's past add depth and intrigue to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot advances with the search for Clayton, the introduction of new leads, and the emotional impact of Jenny's desperation to find her son.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements such as the mysterious disappearance of a child and the complex relationships between the characters. The dialogue feels authentic and adds to the realism of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, especially Jenny and Bill Clements, show determination, emotion, and resilience in the face of adversity, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Jenny shows resilience and determination in the face of adversity, while Bill Clements demonstrates his expertise and commitment to helping find Clayton.

Internal Goal: 8

Jenny's internal goal is to find her missing son and uncover the truth about his disappearance. This reflects her deep need for closure and her fear of losing her child.

External Goal: 7

Jenny's external goal is to gather information about her son's disappearance and follow leads that might help her find him. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in trying to locate her missing child.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict of Clayton's disappearance, the search for him, and the potential danger he might be in heightens the tension in the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with obstacles and challenges that create conflict and drive the plot forward. The audience is left unsure of how the characters will overcome these challenges.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of Clayton's disappearance, the potential danger he might be in, and the urgency to find him create a sense of suspense and importance in the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new leads, advancing the search for Clayton, and deepening the mystery surrounding his disappearance.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the plot, the complex relationships between the characters, and the mysterious elements that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of truth, deception, and the impact of past actions on the present. It challenges Jenny's beliefs about trust, loyalty, and the consequences of her past decisions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact of Jenny's desperation, Clayton's situation, and the community's involvement in the search resonates strongly with the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys emotions, motivations, and hints at the unfolding mystery, keeping the audience engaged.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the suspenseful plot, emotional depth of the characters, and the mystery surrounding the missing child. The interactions between the characters keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and character interactions that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene transitions between different locations and characters quite abruptly, which can be disorienting for the audience.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth and connection with the characters, making it difficult for the audience to fully engage with the story.
  • The dialogue feels forced and lacks authenticity, making it challenging for the audience to connect with the characters and their motivations.
  • The pacing of the scene is inconsistent, with some moments dragging on while others feel rushed, impacting the overall flow of the narrative.
  • The visual descriptions are minimal, hindering the audience's ability to visualize the settings and characters effectively.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the transitions between locations and characters to create a smoother flow and enhance the audience's understanding.
  • Focus on developing the emotional depth of the characters to make their actions and decisions more impactful and relatable to the audience.
  • Work on crafting more authentic and engaging dialogue that reflects the characters' personalities and motivations effectively.
  • Pay attention to the pacing of the scene to ensure a consistent rhythm that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a vivid and immersive experience for the audience, allowing them to fully visualize the settings and characters.



Scene 37 -  A Gathering Storm
INT. LOG CABIN IN THE WOODS - DAY

Clayton wakens, shivering and coughing. The dog rouses, licks
Clayton’s face and then gets up and disappears in the
darkness.

CLAYTON
Where are you, dog? Where did you
go?

Clayton explores the dug out and finds a small tunnel where
the dog got in. He starts digging.


EXT. STOCKLEY’S STORE - DAY

Jenny gets into the car Steve loaned her and takes out her
cell phone.
94.


JENNY
I need to speak to Officer
Charlton.

POLICE RECEPTIONIST (V.O.)
He’s not here right now.

JENNY
Please! Have him call me. It’s
urgent.

Jenny watches Watson get into a rusty old blue pickup. She
makes another quick call, throwing the phone on the seat when
no one answers. She starts the car.


INT/EXT. ROAD OUTSIDE OF TOWN - DAY - TRACKING

Jenny follows Watson out of town. He turns down a narrow path
in a wooded area. She parks Steve’s car on the main road and
gets out.


EXT. WOODED AREA OUTSIDE OF TOWN - DAY

Missy leads Clements to a wooded area where a log cabin sits
in a small clearing.

Missy stops and looks up at Clements.

CLEMENTS
He's here, isn't he?

Remaining hidden in the trees, Clements pulls out his cell
phone.


INT. LOG CABIN IN THE WOODS - DAY

Light filters into the space. Clayton digs faster. Crawling
along tunnel, he pushes though to where the hole exposes
daylight.


INT. STOCKLEY'S STORE - DAY

Charlton sits at the counter having coffee and pie. Mrs.
Stockley wipes down the counter.

MRS. STOCKLEY
Odd. Always has been. His mother
had trouble having him. Never was
right.
(MORE)
95.
MRS. STOCKLEY (CONT’D)
Maybe from all those beatings her
no-good husband laid on him.

Charlton continues eating.

MRS. STOCKLEY (CONT’D)
Like today. Bought liquid Tylenol.
Insisted it was what he wanted. I
told him it was for children.

Charlton starts, the fork halfway to his mouth. He is paying
attention now.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
He bought a kid's medicine?

MRS. STOCKLEY
That's right. Said it was for a
sick animal. I don't remember him
ever having animals.

He pushes the plate away, throws money on the table, and
rises.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Sorry. I have to go.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Clayton, ill and shivering, follows his dog through a tunnel leading out of a remote cabin. Meanwhile, Jenny frantically tries to reach Officer Charlton at Stockley's store. Watson drives out of town, followed by Jenny, who arrives at a secluded log cabin in the woods. Missy leads Clements to the same cabin. At Stockley's, Mrs. Stockley reveals Watson's recent purchase of liquid Tylenol, raising Charlton's suspicions. Alarmed, Charlton leaves the store, drawn deeper into the mystery surrounding Watson.
Strengths
  • Building suspense and tension
  • Intriguing plot developments
  • Emotional impact on the audience
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity in certain character motivations
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and tension through the search in the woods, the revelation of the man buying children's medicine, and the ominous atmosphere created by Missy the Bloodhound's tracking abilities. The multiple plot threads converge to heighten the stakes and keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using a Bloodhound to track a missing child adds a unique and compelling element to the scene. The introduction of the man buying children's medicine adds a layer of mystery and suspicion, driving the plot forward.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with multiple threads intertwining to create a sense of urgency and danger. The scene moves the story forward by revealing new clues and escalating the search for Clayton.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique situations, such as the mysterious disappearance of the dog and the gossip about Watson's actions, which add depth to the plot. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are driven by their motivations and fears, adding depth to the scene. Jenny's determination to find her son, Clements' expertise with Missy the Bloodhound, and the mysterious behavior of the man buying children's medicine all contribute to the tension and suspense.

Character Changes: 6

Jenny experiences a shift in her emotions, from fear and anxiety to determination and hope as she follows the man into the woods. Clements' introduction adds a new dynamic to the scene, showcasing his expertise and willingness to help.

Internal Goal: 8

Clayton's internal goal in this scene is to find the dog that disappeared in the darkness. This reflects his need for companionship and connection, as well as his fear of being alone in the isolated cabin.

External Goal: 7

Jenny's external goal is to track down Watson and investigate his actions. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in trying to uncover the truth behind the mysterious events in the town.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is high, with Jenny facing multiple obstacles in her search for Clayton. The tension between Jenny and the suspicious man, as well as the mystery surrounding the man buying children's medicine, creates a sense of danger and urgency.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing obstacles and challenges that create conflict and drive the plot forward. The audience is left unsure of how the characters will overcome these obstacles, adding to the suspense of the scene.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as Jenny follows a suspicious character into the woods in search of her missing son. The danger and suspense are palpable, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new clues, escalating the search for Clayton, and raising the stakes for the characters. The revelation of the man buying children's medicine adds a new layer of mystery and danger to the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces new information and plot twists that challenge the characters' assumptions and expectations. The unexpected actions of the characters add to the suspense and intrigue of the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the characters' beliefs about Watson's actions and intentions. Mrs. Stockley's gossip about Watson buying children's medicine for a sick animal challenges Charlton's perception of the situation and forces him to reconsider his assumptions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, as they empathize with Jenny's desperation to find her son. The suspense and danger heighten the emotional impact, keeping viewers on the edge of their seats.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is effective in conveying information and building tension. The interactions between Jenny, Clements, and the other characters reveal their personalities and motivations, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces multiple plot threads and keeps the audience guessing about the characters' motivations and actions. The tension and mystery build throughout the scene, drawing the viewer in.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The rhythm of the scene flows smoothly, with a balance of action and dialogue that keeps the story moving forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The action lines are concise and descriptive, enhancing the readability of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a mystery genre, with a focus on building tension and revealing clues to advance the plot. The transitions between locations are smooth and help maintain the pacing of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Clayton waking up in the cabin to Jenny at Stockley's store without a clear connection or smooth transition.
  • There is a lack of clarity in the scene as it jumps between different locations and characters without a clear focus on the main action or conflict.
  • The dialogue between Jenny and the police receptionist feels forced and lacks depth, failing to convey the urgency and tension of the situation.
  • The visual descriptions are minimal and do not effectively create a vivid picture of the surroundings or characters in the scene.
  • The interaction between Mrs. Stockley and Officer Charlton lacks depth and feels disconnected from the main plotline, detracting from the overall tension and suspense of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to create a smoother transition between Clayton's actions in the cabin and Jenny's pursuit of Watson.
  • Focus on building tension and suspense by emphasizing the urgency of Jenny's search for Clayton and the potential danger she may be facing.
  • Enhance the dialogue to convey the emotions and stakes of the characters more effectively, especially in moments of high tension and conflict.
  • Provide more detailed visual descriptions to immerse the reader in the setting and create a more vivid and engaging scene.
  • Tighten the narrative focus by eliminating unnecessary subplots or characters that do not directly contribute to the main storyline, maintaining a clear and cohesive narrative flow.



Scene 38 -  The Escape and the Chase
EXT. PARKING LOT STOCKLEY’S STORE - DAY

Charlton hurries out to his patrol car. He answers his
RINGING cell.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Hey, Bill, what's up.

BILL CLEMENTS (V.O.)
I think Missy found your boy.

Charlton clutches the phone, his voice raised.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Where, Bill?

BILL CLEMENTS (V.O.)
A cabin in the woods. Out past the
east side of town. You know that
loner, what's his name.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Tyrell Watson.

BILL CLEMENTS (V.O.)
That's him.
96.


OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Thanks, Bill.

Charlton hangs up and picks up the patrol car radio.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON (CONT’D)
I think we've found the boy. Meet
me at Tyrell Watson's place. Bring
backup.


INT/EXT. ROAD OUTSIDE OF TOWN - DAY

Steve drives along the road outside of town. He sees the car
he loaned Jenny parked on the side of the road.

He stops behind it. His phone shows a missed call from Jenny.

He tries to reach her. No answer.


EXT. ROAD OUTSIDE OF TOWN - DAY

Steve notices a narrow laneway and heads toward it.


EXT. LOG CABIN IN THE WOODS - DAY

Clayton wiggles through the hole. Outside, he checks. No one
around. He runs to the woods and hides behind the trees.


EXT. WOODED AREA - DAY

Jenny walks a hundred feet down the path. The trees open up
to a small clearing with a log cabin. A rusted blue truck is
parked in the nearby shed.

Using the trees for cover, Jenny sneaks around the shed and
slips inside.


INT. SHED - DAY

It’s dim inside but Jenny sees a large tarp in the back of
the pickup. Her hands shake as she lifts one corner. Taking a
big breath she lifts it higher.


INT. LOG CABIN IN THE WOODS - DAY

Watson lifts the trap door. The dug-out space is empty.
97.


TYRELL WATSON
You little bugger. Where the hell
are you?

He SLAMS the trap door and stomps out of the cabin.


EXT. LOG CABIN - DAY

Watson looks out at the clearing, surveys the woods, walks
around the cabin kicking at scruffy shrubs growing along the
base of the building.

TYRELL WATSON
How the fuck did you get out? You
little bugger? Shit. Shit. Shit.

He continues around the cabin stopping suddenly.

TYRELL WATSON (CONT’D)
Well, Goddamn.

Watson bends, picking up some of the freshly disturbed earth.
He shakes his head when he sees the tunnel.

TYRELL WATSON (CONT’D)
What the hell?

He looks at the woods, at his truck, then at the sky. Storm
clouds are gathering.

TYRELL WATSON (CONT’D)
Better find you soon, kid. Getting
dark. A storm's coming. Lord knows
you're afraid of both.

Searching the clearing, his gaze freezes.

TYRELL WATSON (CONT’D)
Is that where you're hiding?

He heads toward the shed.
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary After receiving a call from Bill Clements, Officer Charlton learns his son Clayton has been found and rushes to Tyrell Watson's cabin. Meanwhile, Steve discovers Jenny's car parked on the side of the road and becomes concerned. Clayton, having escaped from the cabin, hides in the woods. Jenny, suspicious of Watson, investigates his truck, while Watson frantically searches for Clayton after realizing he has escaped. The scene ends with Watson spotting a figure in the shed, leaving the audience wondering if Clayton has been caught.
Strengths
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Effective use of setting
  • Compelling concept
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Character development could be further explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged with the search for the missing boy and the ominous setting of the cabin in the woods.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of searching for a missing child in a remote location is compelling and drives the plot forward, adding layers of mystery and suspense.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with the search for the missing boy leading to a climactic discovery in the cabin in the woods.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the thriller genre, blending elements of mystery, suspense, and moral ambiguity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are driven by their desperation to find the missing boy, adding depth to their motivations and actions.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience a shift in their emotions and actions as they confront the reality of the situation, showing growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Charlton's internal goal is to find his missing boy, reflecting his fear and desperation as a parent. This goal drives his actions and dialogue in the scene.

External Goal: 7

Charlton's external goal is to locate Tyrell Watson's cabin and find his son. This goal reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high as characters race against time to find the missing boy before the storm hits, adding intensity to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult challenges and obstacles that drive the conflict forward and keep the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters race against time to find the missing boy before the storm hits, adding urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing crucial information and advancing the search for the missing boy.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the evolving mystery of the plot.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of fear, isolation, and desperation. Charlton's fear for his son's safety clashes with Watson's sinister actions, creating a moral dilemma for the characters.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and determination in the characters and the audience, creating a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the urgency and tension of the situation, with characters communicating vital information and emotions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, high stakes, and well-developed characters. The audience is drawn into the mystery and tension of the situation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension and suspense, while allowing for moments of character development and plot progression.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a thriller genre, with clear scene headings and concise action lines.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a thriller genre, building tension through character interactions and plot developments.


Critique
  • The scene transitions between different locations and characters quite abruptly, which can be disorienting for the audience.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth and tension in the interactions between the characters, especially considering the high stakes of finding a missing child.
  • The dialogue feels a bit flat and lacks the urgency and emotion that should be present in a scene where a missing child is potentially found.
  • The visual descriptions could be more vivid and detailed to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and tension in the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved to build suspense and keep the audience engaged throughout.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more emotional depth to the interactions between the characters, especially Jenny and Steve, to convey the urgency and tension of the situation.
  • Work on smoother transitions between different locations and characters to avoid abrupt shifts that can confuse the audience.
  • Enhance the dialogue to reflect the high stakes of the scene and the emotional turmoil of potentially finding a missing child.
  • Add more descriptive details to the visuals to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and tension in the scene.
  • Focus on pacing to build suspense and maintain the audience's engagement throughout the scene.



Scene 39 -  Tyrell's Grip Tightens
INT. SHED - DAY

FOOTFALLS behind her. Jenny turns. Something strikes her on
the back of the head. She crumples to the ground.

Tyrell Watson gapes at Jenny. The hands holding a blood-
stained tire iron tremble. His face is red and contorted in a
crazed mask.
98.


TYRELL WATSON
Oh, God. I killed her. I killed
her!

He grabs Jenny by her feet and drags her deeper into the
shed. Blood smears the dirt. He paces, wringing his hands,
shaking his head, muttering to himself.

TYRELL WATSON (CONT’D)
Oh, God. Oh, God. Shit. Shit. Shit.

He limps out of the shed.


EXT. TYRELL’S PROPERTY - DAY

Watson paces in front of the shed. He looks from the cabin to
the shed to the woods.

TYRELL WATSON
(screaming)
Why is everything going wrong? Why?

MOANING (OS). Watson stops screaming and looks toward the
shed. He still wrings his hands. A muscle in his face
twitches. His limp evident, he walks slowly to the shed.


INT. TYRELL'S SHED - DAY

Jenny MOANS. Her hand goes to the gash at the back of her
head. It comes away blood-covered. She struggles to get up.

The tremor has settled but Watson’s lips twitch as if he
enjoys watching her struggle. He taunts her.

TYRELL WATSON
Come looking for your little boy,
did you?

Jenny’s eyes flicker open, she glares at Watson.

JENNY
Do you have him?

TYRELL WATSON
Did have.

Jenny tries to get up, screams.

JENNY
What do you mean? Where is he?
99.


TYRELL WATSON
Sniveling and coughing, but he's
fine.

JENNY
I need to see him!

Tyrell grabs her. She flinches away but his fingers dig into
her shoulders. She struggles, kicks out at him.

TYRELL WATSON
Cut it out, bitch.

He jerks her to her feet. She twists away, stumbles landing
hard on the ground. He yanks her by her hair and drags her
toward the cabin.

JENNY
Let go!

He releases her hair but grabs her shoulder and shoves her
toward the cabin.

TYRELL WATSON
Get moving.

She twists away. He tightens his grip.

JENNY
You're hurting me. Let me go!

He gives her another shove.

TYRELL WATSON
Stop fighting, bitch.

JENNY
Help! Someone help me.

TYRELL WATSON
No one’s going to hear you.

She twists to face him.

JENNY (PLEADING)
Let me see Clayton. Please. Let me
take him home.

TYRELL WATSON
Can't.

Tyrell shrugs.
100.


TYRELL WATSON (CONT’D)
Didn’t like it here.
(laughing hysterically)
Now, neither of us has him.

Jenny struggles. She breaks free, punches him, and plants a
forceful kick at Watson’s thigh, then his bad leg.

Watson howls. She tries to run. He grabs her, tightens his
hold. She keeps twisting and squirming, kicking.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Tyrell discovers Jenny hiding in his shed, where he's been keeping her son. He brutally attacks her with a tire iron, leaving her injured. Tyrell then taunts her, claiming her son has died, and drags her towards the cabin despite her desperate pleas and attempts to fight back. The scene ends with Tyrell's control over Jenny solidified, leaving her fate uncertain.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Strong character dynamics
  • High emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Potentially triggering content

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, with intense emotions, high stakes, and a significant turning point in the story. The tension and fear are palpable, making it a standout moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a desperate confrontation between Jenny and Tyrell Watson is executed effectively, creating a sense of danger and urgency. The scene adds depth to the plot and raises the stakes for the characters.

Plot: 9

The plot is advanced significantly in this scene, with Jenny facing a life-threatening situation and the revelation of Clayton's whereabouts. The conflict reaches a peak, driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the captive scenario, with unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' reactions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Jenny and Tyrell Watson are well-developed in this scene, with Jenny displaying courage and determination in the face of danger, while Tyrell Watson is portrayed as a menacing and unpredictable antagonist. Their interactions add depth to the story.

Character Changes: 8

Jenny undergoes a significant change in this scene, from a state of fear and vulnerability to a moment of courage and defiance. Her actions and decisions shape the outcome of the confrontation, showcasing her character development.

Internal Goal: 9

Jenny's internal goal is to find and protect her son, Clayton. This reflects her deep need for maternal instinct and love for her child.

External Goal: 8

Jenny's external goal is to escape from Tyrell and save her son. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing of being held captive and threatened by Tyrell.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and gripping, with Jenny facing a life-threatening situation and Tyrell Watson as a formidable antagonist. The physical and emotional conflict drives the narrative forward and keeps the audience engaged.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Tyrell posing a significant threat to Jenny's goals and creating a sense of danger and uncertainty for the audience.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are extremely high in this scene, with Jenny's life in danger and the safety of her son at risk. The outcome of the confrontation will have a profound impact on the characters and the overall story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, with the revelation of Clayton's whereabouts and the escalation of the conflict between Jenny and Tyrell Watson. The resolution of this confrontation will have a lasting impact on the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and decisions made by the characters, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between Tyrell's desire for control and power over Jenny and Jenny's instinct to protect her child. This challenges Jenny's beliefs in the importance of family and safety.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, tension, and empathy for Jenny's plight. The audience is emotionally invested in the outcome of the confrontation, creating a powerful connection to the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and impactful, reflecting the high-stakes nature of the confrontation. It effectively conveys the emotions and motivations of the characters, adding to the tension of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense conflict, and fast-paced action, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspenseful moments that drive the narrative forward effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the standard screenplay format for its genre.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a suspenseful thriller, building tension and conflict effectively.


Critique
  • The scene is intense and suspenseful, effectively portraying the dangerous situation Jenny is in with Tyrell Watson.
  • The use of violence and threats adds to the tension of the scene, creating a sense of fear and urgency.
  • Tyrell Watson's erratic behavior and violent actions are well depicted, showcasing his unstable and dangerous nature.
  • Jenny's desperation and determination to find her son are effectively conveyed through her actions and dialogue.
  • The scene effectively builds suspense and keeps the audience engaged in the unfolding events.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for Jenny to further connect with the audience and enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Explore deeper into Tyrell Watson's motivations and backstory to provide more depth to his character and explain his actions.
  • Ensure the resolution of the scene is satisfying and provides closure to the conflict between Jenny and Tyrell Watson.
  • Consider adding more sensory details to immerse the audience in the scene and enhance the atmosphere of fear and tension.
  • Focus on the pacing of the scene to maintain the suspense and keep the audience on the edge of their seats throughout.



Scene 40 -  A Mother's Fury
EXT. WOODS - DAY

Clayton hears his mother's voice. He peeks through the trees,
sees Watson dragging her. He runs toward her.

CLAYTON
Mommy! Mommy!

TYRELL WATSON
Well, well, look who's back. Gonna
protect your mommy, boy?

JENNY
Clayton, run! Run away.

CLAYTON
He's hurting you. Your head is
bleeding.

JENNY
I'm okay. Run and hide.

Clayton keeps coming.

CLAYTON
Let her go.

Clayton pounds Watson with his fists, kicks him on his bad
leg. Watson screams. Reaching out with his free hand, he
grabs for Clayton.

Watson misses, tries again. The third time, he scoops Clayton
under his arm and limps toward the cabin.

Jenny twists around, attempts to pull Clayton away.

Tyrell thrusts out his arm, knocking her to the ground.

Carrying Clayton, he hurries as fast as his limp will allow,
shoves the door open and disappears inside.
101.


Jenny scrambles to her feet, stumbles up the stairs and into
the cabin.


INT. TYRELL’S CABIN -DAY

Watson hides behind the door. When Jenny comes in, he grabs
her and kicks the door shut.

A hank of thick rope is on the counter. Letting go of
Clayton, he grabs the rope, and ties Jenny to a chair, all
the while swatting a kicking and punching Clayton out of the
way.

One of his swats knocks the child to the floor. Jenny
screams.

JENNY
Don't hurt him.

Jenny twists and turns in the chair, trying to kick out at
Watson. She turns to Clayton.

JENNY (CONT’D)
Clayton, run! Get out of here.

Tyrell finishes tying Jenny. He leans close to her ear,
caresses her bare upper arm, and speaks softly.

TYRELL WATSON
We’re going to go away. Be a real
family.

Jenny jerks away.

JENNY
I'm not going anywhere with you.

Tyrell laughs. He stands up, ignoring the boy striking at
him.

TYRELL WATSON
We'll take the kid.

Jenny continues to struggle. Tyrell grabs for Clayton,
clamping his hand around the boy's arm and twisting. Clayton
cries out.

JENNY
Don't hurt him. I'll do whatever
you want.
102.


TYRELL WATSON
What do you think, kid? Should we
take your mother with us?

CLAYTON
We're not going with you!

Tyrell lifts his hand to smack the boy.

JENNY
Please, don't hit him.

Tyrell gives Jenny a wicked smile. He laughs harshly.

TYRELL WATSON
Don't want your pretty boy hurt?

Strong winds whistle around the cabin, a loud CRACK of
thunder, rain PELTS against the windows.

The cabin door flies open, CRASHING against the cabin wall.
A flash of lightening silhouettes a large shape in the
doorway.

JENNY
Steve!

Steve advances into the cabin. Watson, his face contorted in
an evil mask, confronts him.

TYRELL WATSON
You!

STEVE TOWNSEND
Let them go.

Watson laughs.

TYRELL WATSON
They're mine!

Watson grabs one of the wooden chairs and flings it at Steve.

Steve knocks it out of the way.

Watson grabs another one, smashes it on the floor before
flinging it across the room.

Steve, ducks as shards of wood shoot across the cabin.

Clayton covering his eyes, huddles against Jenny's legs.

Watson grabs a large shovel leaning against the wall and
rushes Steve.
103.


SWOOSHING. Watson swings the shovel, knocks Steve to the
floor.

Blood pours from a large laceration on his upper arm. Steve
grabs his arm and struggles to get up.

He’s up to his knees when Watson swings the shovel again,
connecting with the back of Steve’s head.

Steve crumples to the floor, blood pours from his head and
his arm. Jenny screams.

Watson reaches under the table, groping for Clayton.

Jenny kicks at him. Clayton scrambles out of the way.

TYRELL WATSON (CONT’D)
Damn you. Get over here, kid.

CLAYTON
No!

Clayton runs across the room. Draws back his leg and kicks
Watson’s injured leg.

Watson screams, lunges for the boy. Clayton slides behind his
mother's chair.

Steve’s face ashen, his body limp, GROANS.

CLAYTON (CONT’D)
It's okay, Mom. Stay quiet.

THUNDER, a flash of lightning.

Something glints in Clayton’s hand, a knife.

He starts sawing through the twine binding her.

Steve GROANS again.

Watson crosses to him, yanks his hands behind his back.

Pulling twine out his back pocket, he wraps it around Steve’s
wrists then his feet.

TYRELL WATSON
See if you can get yourself out of
that.

He turns back to Jenny and Clayton.

TYRELL WATSON (CONT’D)
What the hell you doing, kid?
104.


Watson goes for Clayton.

Jenny kicks out, hitting Tyrell in his bad leg.

He SCREAMS His hand shoots out, slapping her.

CLAYTON
Don't hit my mom!

Jenny's chair rocks for several seconds then CRASHES back to
the floor knocking Clayton down.

The knife he was holding, SKITTERS across the room.

TYRELL WATSON
Get over here you little brat or
I’ll kill her in front of you.

Watson and Clayton scramble for the knife.

Jenny struggles to get her hands free. Her wrists bleed as
the rope cuts into her skin.

Clayton scoots out of Watson’s reach and hides under the
table.

Watson swipes out his arm, his shoulder bumps into the table.

The table totters unsteadily before settling.

A kerosene lamp flickers, wobbles, then falls over,
SHATTERING the glass. It rolls to the edge of the table.

Jenny struggles with her ties. She watches the lamp linger at
the edge of the table gasping as it rolls over the edge.

The lamp twirls, hitting Tyrell's back before smashing to the
floor.

A dot of red-yellow glows on his shirt then sparks.

Fingers of flame spread across the material.

Watson HOWLS, clawing at his back.

He stumbles out of the cabin, his back a mass of crimson
flames.

Clayton grabs the lamp and sets it back on the table.

A large circle of kerosene stains the floor, embers glow in
the wood.
105.


JENNY
Clayton. Get the knife. Cut me
free.

Clayton saws at the remaining rope.

Once free, Jenny stomps on the sparks. But already the sparks
are flames spreading across the fuel-soaked floor.

Jenny runs to Steve.

JENNY (CONT’D)
Give me the knife, Clayton.

Jenny slices viciously through the twine on Steve’s hands and
feet.

She shakes him. He MOANS

JENNY (CONT’D)
Wake up, Steve. We need to get out
of here. Clayton, help me.

They drag the unconscious Steve toward the door.

Behind them, flames race across the room, spreading to the
furniture, the curtains.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Clayton races to save his mother, Jenny, from the clutches of the villainous Tyrell Watson. Despite Clayton's valiant efforts, Watson overpowers him and takes them both to his cabin. Jenny is tied up while Clayton tries to intervene, only to be knocked down. A fight breaks out between Steve and Watson when Steve arrives, ending with Steve unconscious. Jenny, desperate to protect her son, kicks Watson's injured leg and frees herself, leading to a dramatic confrontation that culminates in the cabin catching fire as Watson is engulfed in flames. Jenny and Clayton escape the burning cabin, rescuing Steve in the process.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • High stakes
  • Emotional depth
  • Compelling narrative progression
Weaknesses
  • Potential for graphic violence
  • Dependence on physical action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a gripping confrontation that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The intense emotions, high stakes, and dramatic action contribute to a compelling narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a mother and son facing a dangerous kidnapper in a remote cabin is a classic thriller scenario that is executed with tension and suspense. The introduction of fire as a dramatic element adds an extra layer of danger and urgency.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is driven by the intense conflict between the characters, with each action and decision escalating the tension. The stakes are high, and the narrative unfolds in a way that keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Originality: 9

The scene features a unique and intense situation, with fresh approaches to familiar themes of family, survival, and danger. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Jenny, Clayton, Steve, and Tyrell are well-defined and their motivations and actions drive the conflict forward. Their interactions and emotional responses add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters, especially Jenny and Clayton, undergo significant changes during the scene as they confront danger and make difficult choices. Their bravery and resilience are highlighted, showing their growth and development.

Internal Goal: 9

Clayton's internal goal is to protect his mother and keep her safe. This reflects his deeper need for security, love, and family.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to escape from the antagonist and survive the dangerous situation they are in. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the need for physical safety.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with physical, emotional, and moral conflicts driving the narrative forward. The characters are in a life-threatening situation, adding to the high level of conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the antagonist presenting a significant threat to the protagonist and creating obstacles that are difficult to overcome. The audience is kept in suspense about the outcome of the conflict.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with the characters' lives in danger and the outcome of the confrontation having a significant impact on the story. The tension and urgency are heightened by the life-threatening situation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, as the characters face a crucial moment in their journey to find Clayton and confront the kidnapper. The resolution of the conflict will have a lasting impact on the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the outcome of the conflict. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the antagonist's desire for control and power, and the protagonist's desire for freedom and safety. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the importance of family and the right to live without fear.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, with fear, desperation, and bravery driving the characters' actions. The audience is likely to feel a strong connection to the characters and their struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is tense and impactful, reflecting the high-stakes situation the characters are in. The lines are emotionally charged and drive the conflict and character dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, emotional stakes, and high level of tension. The audience is invested in the characters' struggle to survive.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and intense, with a rhythm that builds tension and keeps the audience engaged. The action flows smoothly from one moment to the next, driving the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear progression of events and a climax that resolves the conflict.


Critique
  • The scene is intense and filled with suspense, which keeps the audience engaged.
  • The physical and emotional conflict between Jenny, Clayton, and Tyrell Watson is well portrayed, creating a sense of danger and urgency.
  • The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and intentions of the characters, adding depth to the scene.
  • The visual elements, such as the setting in the cabin and the actions of the characters, enhance the tension and drama of the scene.
  • The scene effectively builds towards a climactic moment with the introduction of Steve and the escalating confrontation with Watson.
  • The use of elements like the kerosene lamp and the resulting fire adds a dramatic and impactful twist to the scene.
  • The scene effectively showcases the bravery and determination of Jenny and Clayton in the face of danger.
  • The resolution of the scene with Jenny, Clayton, and Steve working together to escape the burning cabin adds a satisfying conclusion to the intense sequence.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for Jenny and Clayton to further connect with the audience and deepen their characters.
  • Ensure the actions and reactions of the characters are consistent with their personalities and motivations throughout the scene.
  • Explore the dynamics between Jenny, Clayton, and Steve further to enhance the emotional impact of their interactions.
  • Provide more sensory details to immerse the audience in the setting and intensify the suspense of the scene.
  • Consider incorporating more descriptive language to vividly depict the escalating tension and danger in the cabin.
  • Focus on the pacing of the scene to maintain a sense of urgency and keep the audience engaged until the resolution.
  • Continue to build on the themes of courage, resilience, and familial bonds to strengthen the emotional core of the scene.



Scene 41 -  Escape From The Flames
EXT. A LOG CABIN IN THE WOODS - NIGHT

Jenny and Clayton drag Steve down the steps and onto the wet
grass.

Jenny pulls Clayton into her lap.

Rain falls, thunder RUMBLES, lightening flashes.

The WAIL of sirens, headlights glare through the trees, an
engine ROARS. A police car skids to a stop in the laneway.

Guns drawn, Officers Dave Charlton and Joe Roberts jump out
of their vehicles in the midst of a flash of lightening.

Another police car with two officers pulls to a stop behind
them.

Jenny leaps to her feet.

JENNY
Tyrell. Tyrell took Clayton. His
shirt caught on fire. Help him.

Jenny points to where Tyrell writhes in the grass.
106.


His HOWLS pierce through the sounds of the storm.

The police officers run to help him using their jackets to
suffocate the flames.

Charlton rushes to Jenny.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Are you and the boy okay? An
ambulance is on the way.

JENNY
Steve’s hurt. He needs a doctor.

Jenny’s gaze darts to her bleeding wrists then back to face
Charlton. She nods, hugging Clayton.

JENNY (CONT’D)
We're okay.

Charlton checks Steve’s pulse, then his head wound. He shakes
Steve’s shoulder. Steve GROANS.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Steve! Wake up.

He looks at Jenny.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON (CONT’D)
His pulse is strong. That's a good
sign. But looks like you might need
some stitches.

Jenny touches her blood-matted head as if she has forgotten
her injury.

Charlton shakes Steve’s shoulder again.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON (CONT’D)
Steve, can you hear me?

Steve MOANS. Jenny kneels beside him, holding his hand.

JENNY
Steve! Please, wake up!

Another MOAN, Steve’s eyelids flicker open.

He tries to focus on Jenny’s face. It's several seconds
before he speaks.

STEVE TOWNSEND
You're okay?
107.


Jenny leans closer.

JENNY
Thank God. You're awake.

She smiles at him and laughs.

JENNY (CONT’D)
Clayton and I are fine.

STEVE TOWNSEND
Tyrell?

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
He's under arrest.

Steve sighs.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON (CONT’D)
Can you get up? We should get out
of this rain.

Charlton assists Steve to the police car. Carrying Clayton,
Jenny follows.

Behind them the cabin blazes. Amidst the pouring rain, the
roof caves in, timbers CRASH and the walls tip dangerously.

More SIRENS. An ambulance pulls into the laneway.

A flash of light splits the night sky.

Tyrell, handcuffed, walks between two policemen toward the
ambulance.

Roberts follows.

Tyrell GROANS as paramedics check the burns on his back.

The rain has stopped and Roberts’s voice can be heard clearly
in the still night.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
Tyrell Watson, you are under arrest
for the kidnapping of Clayton
Kingsley. You have the right to
remain silent ...

TYRELL
Yeah. I understand.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
Roberts, get him out of here.
108.


Roberts puts Tyrell into the ambulance before approaching
Steve.

OFFICER JOE ROBERTS
I guess I need to apologize.

Their eyes lock for several seconds. Slowly, Steve reaches
out and shakes the proffered hand.

Charlton turns to Jenny and Steve, he rubs Clayton's head.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
We need to get all of you checked
out at the hospital.

CLAYTON
I'm okay. Mommy needs sewing up.

Charlton smiles at the boy.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON
You're a pretty brave boy.

A deafening CRASH. Their attention is drawn back to the
cabin, now totally engulfed in flames, totally caved in.

Charlton turns back to Steve.

OFFICER DAVE CHARLTON (CONT’D)
Do we need another ambulance? Or
you okay in the cruiser?

Steve grins sheepishly.

STEVE TOWNSEND
I guess I do need a couple of
stitches. The cruiser is fine.

Jenny, Steve and Clayton pile into the back of the cruiser.
Jenny clutches Clayton to her chest, Steve’s arm is draped
over her shoulder.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Crime"]

Summary As a raging storm rages, Jenny and Clayton drag the unconscious Steve from a burning cabin. Police arrive and extinguish Tyrell, who is engulfed in flames. They tend to the injured Steve and Clayton, and an ambulance transports Tyrell and Steve to the hospital. The police escort Jenny and Clayton, while the cabin collapses in flames. Tyrell is officially arrested for kidnapping Clayton.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Engaging plot twists
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue
  • Predictable resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a mix of tension, emotion, and action that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The stakes are high, the conflict is intense, and the emotional impact is powerful, making it a standout moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a rescue mission in the midst of a dangerous situation is executed well, with strong character dynamics and a sense of urgency that drives the scene forward. The idea of overcoming obstacles and working together to save a loved one is compelling and well-developed.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-structured, with a clear goal of rescuing Clayton and dealing with the antagonist, Tyrell. The tension builds effectively, leading to a satisfying resolution with the rescue of Clayton and the apprehension of Tyrell. The plot twists and turns keep the audience engaged throughout.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a familiar situation of a rescue and arrest, with a focus on the characters' emotional reactions and relationships. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their relationships are explored in depth, particularly the bond between Jenny, Clayton, and Steve. Each character has a distinct role to play in the scene, adding to the overall tension and emotional impact. Their actions and dialogue feel authentic and drive the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant changes during the scene, particularly Jenny, who goes from being a victim of Tyrell to a determined mother fighting to save her son. Steve also shows growth as he overcomes his injuries and helps in the rescue mission. These character changes add depth and complexity to the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Jenny's internal goal in this scene is to ensure the safety and well-being of her son Clayton and her friend Steve. Her actions and dialogue reflect her deep desire to protect them and keep them safe.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to get medical attention for Steve and herself, as well as ensuring that Tyrell is arrested for his actions. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances of the scene and the challenges they are facing in the aftermath of the incident.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, with multiple layers of tension and danger. From the physical threat of Tyrell to the emotional turmoil of the characters, the conflict drives the narrative forward and keeps the audience engaged. The high stakes and personal stakes add to the intensity of the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing challenges and obstacles that keep the audience engaged and unsure of the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are extremely high in the scene, with the lives of Jenny, Clayton, and Steve in danger. The threat of Tyrell and the burning cabin create a sense of urgency and danger that drives the characters to take risks and make sacrifices. The high stakes add tension and suspense to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, resolving the conflict with Tyrell and advancing the plot towards a resolution. The rescue of Clayton and the apprehension of Tyrell mark a turning point in the narrative, setting the stage for the climax and resolution of the screenplay.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the resolution of the conflict. The audience is kept on their toes as they wonder how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between justice and forgiveness evident in this scene. The decision to arrest Tyrell for his actions while also showing empathy towards him challenges the characters' beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, with moments of fear, relief, and determination that resonate with the audience. The characters' struggles and triumphs evoke strong emotions, drawing the audience into the story and creating a memorable experience. The emotional depth of the scene adds to its overall impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is realistic and impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and motivations effectively. The interactions between the characters reveal their personalities and relationships, adding depth to the scene. The dialogue enhances the tension and drama of the rescue mission.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, dramatic tension, and emotional depth. The interactions between the characters and the sense of urgency keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, as well as allowing for emotional moments and character interactions to unfold naturally.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear progression of events, character interactions, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene is filled with intense action and suspense, which keeps the audience engaged.
  • The use of the stormy weather and the blazing cabin adds to the dramatic tension of the scene.
  • The interactions between the characters, especially Jenny, Steve, and Officer Charlton, are well portrayed and add depth to the scene.
  • The resolution of Tyrell's arrest and the aftermath of the rescue are satisfying, providing closure to the storyline.
  • The dialogue is effective in conveying the emotions and urgency of the situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for Jenny and Steve to further connect with the audience.
  • Provide more details on the physical surroundings to enhance the visual imagery of the scene.
  • Explore the aftermath of the rescue in more depth to show the emotional impact on the characters.
  • Consider adding a brief reflection or resolution for Jenny, Steve, and Clayton to wrap up their character arcs.
  • Ensure the pacing of the scene remains consistent to maintain the tension and momentum.



Scene 42 -  Clayton's Puppy Surprise
INT. JENNY'S KITCHEN - DAY

Jenny, Steve, Myrtle, and Clayton sit at the kitchen table
having a late breakfast. Everyone is smiling.

KNOCKING at the front door.

STEVE TOWNSEND
I’ll get it.

He returns a moment later. Bill Clements carries a large box.
109.


CLEMENTS
How are you guys doing?

There is a chorus of fine, good, great. Clements smiles.

CLEMENTS (CONT’D)
Well, I have something here for a
very special boy.

Clayton pats his chest.

CLAYTON
That’s me!

CLEMENTS
Then this is for you.

He places the box in front of Clayton. RUSTLING noises come
from inside. Clayton looks at his mother who nods. He jumps
off the chair and pulls back the lid.

CLAYTON
For me?

CLEMENTS
Are you sure you can look after
him?

Too excited to talk, Clayton nods several times. He’s busy
picking up and hugging a fluffy black puppy. Clements sits at
the table and joins in on the laughter and smiles.

FADE OUT.
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary Bill Clements arrives at Jenny's kitchen with a surprise gift for Clayton - a fluffy black puppy. Clayton is overjoyed and everyone shares in the happiness, celebrating the new addition to the family.
Strengths
  • Heartwarming resolution
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Genuine character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Minimal conflict
  • Slightly predictable resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively wraps up the main conflict and provides a satisfying resolution for the characters. It delivers a strong emotional impact and leaves the audience feeling hopeful and uplifted.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of finding closure and moving forward after a traumatic experience is well-executed in this scene. It highlights the importance of family and resilience in the face of adversity.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene focuses on the characters coming together to celebrate a new beginning after a series of intense events. It effectively ties up loose ends and provides a sense of closure.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh approach to the theme of family and love, with a unique focus on the joy of receiving a gift and the responsibility that comes with it. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene show growth and strength as they come together to support each other. Their interactions are genuine and heartfelt, adding depth to their relationships.

Character Changes: 7

The characters show growth and resilience in this scene, coming together to support each other and celebrate a new beginning. Their experiences have shaped them and strengthened their bonds.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to feel loved and special, as evidenced by his excitement and joy upon receiving the puppy. This reflects his deeper need for validation and affection.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to receive a gift and take care of the puppy. This reflects the immediate circumstances of the scene and the challenge of responsibility.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 2

The conflict in the scene is minimal, as the focus is on resolution and closure rather than tension or drama.

Opposition: 5

The opposition in the scene is minimal, as the conflict is resolved quickly and without much tension. The audience can predict the outcome of the protagonist receiving the gift.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, as the focus is on resolution and closure rather than intense conflict or danger.

Story Forward: 6

The scene moves the story forward by providing a resolution to the main conflict and setting the stage for a new beginning for the characters. It ties up loose ends and sets the tone for the next chapter.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is predictable in its outcome, as the protagonist receives a gift and reacts with joy. However, the emotional depth and character interactions add a layer of unpredictability to the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between the themes of responsibility and joy. The protagonist must balance the excitement of receiving a gift with the responsibility of taking care of the puppy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, as it provides a sense of closure and hope after the intense events that unfolded earlier in the screenplay. It leaves the audience feeling uplifted and optimistic.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is simple but effective, conveying the characters' emotions and relationships. It serves the purpose of showcasing the characters' bond and hope for the future.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it captures the audience's emotions and creates a sense of warmth and joy. The interactions between the characters draw the viewer in and create a sense of connection.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual buildup of excitement and emotion leading to the reveal of the puppy. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy kitchen scene, with clear character actions and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a heartwarming family moment, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the emotional impact of the scene.


Critique
  • The transition from the intense and dramatic previous scenes to the light-hearted and joyful breakfast scene feels a bit abrupt and disjointed. There is a lack of emotional continuity between the scenes.
  • The resolution of the conflict with Tyrell and the aftermath of the burning cabin are not fully addressed in this scene, leaving a sense of unresolved tension and loose ends.
  • The introduction of Bill Clements and the gift of a puppy to Clayton seems somewhat out of place given the gravity of the events that just transpired. It feels like a rushed attempt to tie up loose ends and provide a happy ending.
  • The dialogue and interactions between the characters lack depth and emotional resonance, especially considering the traumatic events they have just experienced. There is a missed opportunity to explore the emotional aftermath of the ordeal.
  • The scene could benefit from more nuanced and layered character interactions, as well as a more gradual transition from the intense climax to the resolution.
Suggestions
  • Consider revisiting the pacing and tone of the scene to ensure a smoother transition from the previous intense moments to the lighter breakfast scene. Allow for a more gradual emotional shift.
  • Expand on the resolution of the conflict with Tyrell and the aftermath of the burning cabin to provide a more satisfying conclusion for the audience.
  • Develop the interactions between the characters to reflect the emotional impact of the traumatic events they have just experienced. Add depth and complexity to their relationships and reactions.
  • Integrate the introduction of Bill Clements and the gift of the puppy in a more organic and meaningful way, ensuring that it fits cohesively within the narrative and contributes to the overall emotional arc.
  • Focus on creating a more nuanced and emotionally resonant scene by delving deeper into the characters' internal struggles, relationships, and growth in the aftermath of the climax.