Read We Called Them Gods with its analysis


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Scene 1 -  Genesis of a Water World
EXT. SPACE

Below, a colossal, cigar-shaped rock coasts through space. It
barrels through an asteroid field, pulverizing anything in
its way. Chunks fracture from its petrous facade -- REVEALING
-- patches of flawless, shiny-black alloy. The hull of a
vessel lies beneath. This is one big fucking spaceship.

It approaches a planet and coasts into a low orbit. Below are
light blue oceans and tan landmasses. -- SUDDENLY -- the
bottom of the ship opens, and beams of grainy blue light
emanate to the oceans below. The beams vacuum water up into
the ship -- NOW -- instant acceleration - out into space.
TOWARD...

MUSIC CUE: Some weird-ass-ethereal space orchestration.
Providential in tone. Mass with LSD-laced Sacrament is the
vibe.

-- HOLY SHIT -- a MEGASTRUCTURE -- one blueish semi-
transparent shell encapsulates... another planet? -- the ship
approaches. -- CLOSING IN -- the shell is comprised of
perfectly adjoined tiles, which create a truncated
icosidodecahedron - beautiful decagons, hexagons, and squares
perfectly arranged form the aquamarine shell -BREATHTAKING-

Off in the distance, something takes shape -- FOR FUCKS SAKE -
- it’s a black hole.

-- THEN -- THRUMMM!! -- the thing sharts out a bunch of grey
dusty debris -- source unknown -- NOW -- smaller black holes
materialize around the shell -- these suck up the shart
debris like Hoovers, resulting in hundreds of funnel clouds --
mega-tornadoes in space. The debris spins in the center of
each black hole. A gray ball forms -- THEN -- I shit you not -
- the balls turn red and fade away like some apparition...

However... the laws of physics persevere. Information is
never lost; it’s only transformed. Something was manufactured
- translucent, egg-like objects eject from the black hole.

Green goo sloshes inside, as they wriggle like water balloons
that don’t freeze in the vacuum of space. The eggs descend,
passing through the MEGASTRUCTURE - the ship pursues.

The planet below is hidden behind dense dark clouds. The ship
matches its descent with the gargantuan, city-size eggs.
2


Thousands of these eggs, each holding trillions of tons of
goo.

-- WOH -- the ship emits a stream of particles, nano-tech...
It looks like the most enormous swarm of gnats ever - the
swarm moves with intelligence and purpose. It attacks the
eggs. One by one, the eggs burst, releasing town-sized
chunks of falling green goo.

The goo enters the lower atmosphere, where a strange
phenomenon occurs. The Jet Stream rips the chunks into
smaller droplets, making the sky nothing but a green haze.

The ship breaks through the dense clouds and the planet
finally reveals itself... A single purple/blue ocean -- a
water world.

-- WAIT FOR IT... -- SPLASH -- green drops pelt the ocean
with the force of a billion hail storms, covering every
square inch.

SUPER: EARTH 3.6 BILLION YEARS AGO -- DIRECTED PANSPERMIA -
THE SEEDS OF LIFE ARE PLANTED

Before smacking the ocean, the ship yaws paralell to the
surface -- THEN -- rockets toward the horizon and circles the
planet in low orbit -- FASTER -- FASTER -- above, all
evidence of the aquamarine megastructure disappears. Below,
the surface rapidly changes. Landmasses appear and move, the
continents become familiar, plant life takes over, and ice
conquers the planet.
--represents the passage of time

-- NOW -- like a bullet, the ship fires back out into space.
The strange “sister planet” is gone... in its place is the
Moon. The ship zooms around to the dark side of the moon and
parks where it remains.

MUSIC CUE: “Brain Damage” (Verse 4-5) by Pink Floyd
Cha-Ching! Synch fee. Apologies, I do have music cues, yes. If you
don’t like them, use a Sharpie and redact them. I know there is a
budget, and the Producer will say, “Pink Floyd? Fuck no!” The music
mainly sets the vibe for this crazy beast. OK, Allons - Fuckin’ -Y.

Roger Waters’ iconic voice sets the tone... The lunatic is in
my head. The lunatic is in my head...

-- SLOWLY -- a portion of the ship’s rocky exterior separates
like a huge sunroof -- INSIDE -- is...

-- HOLY CACA! -- a Garden of Eden the size of Florida --
untouched, pristine.
3


Beautiful alien plant life, mountains, rivers, herds of alien
animals running free, it is -- JAW DROPPING, PERFECT -- a
complete habitat lies within this spaceship.... -- FUCKING
BONKERS!

In the middle of this paradise, something hovers a meter off
the grassy ground -- a big green... uhhh... thing. A blob
about 5m tall -- Nope, correction -- this thing is more than
a blob. IT BEATS, LIKE A HEART, IT IS ALIVE -- SUDDENLY --
it emits blinding, neon-green light, preventing further
inspection.

As the GREEN-HEART-MONSTER lights up, the song ends, and its
final line resonates -- “I'll see you on the dark side of the
moon.”

END MUSIC CUE


END TEASER
4



ACT I

A story unfolds - it begins as a blurry reflection off of a
dark cobalt watery canvas -- Moving in, it becomes clearer.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Fantasy"]

Summary A colossal spaceship navigates through an asteroid field and enters orbit around a planet, vacuuming water from its blue oceans. As it approaches a megastructure, it releases nano-tech that bursts translucent eggs filled with green goo, transforming the planet into a water world. The ship observes the rapid geological changes before retreating to the dark side of the Moon, revealing a pristine Garden of Eden-like habitat inside, centered around a pulsating green entity emitting blinding light.
Strengths
  • Visually stunning imagery
  • Intriguing premise
  • Mysterious atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Minimal character development
  • Limited dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly imaginative, visually stunning, and sets up a grand and mysterious premise that captivates the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a colossal spaceship seeding life on a planet through intricate processes and containing a paradise within is innovative and engaging.

Plot: 8

The plot introduces a complex and intriguing setup with the spaceship's actions leading to the creation of life on a planet, setting the stage for further developments.

Originality: 9

The scene is highly original, featuring a unique blend of advanced technology, creation of life, and philosophical conflicts. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic within the fantastical setting.


Character Development

Characters: 7

While the focus is more on the spaceship and its actions, the presence of the mysterious green-heart monster adds a touch of character-driven intrigue.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not a significant character arc, the introduction of the green-heart monster hints at potential character development and mysteries to be revealed.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to understand the purpose of the spaceship and the creation of life. This reflects their curiosity, desire for knowledge, and possibly a sense of responsibility for the life they are creating.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully create life on the planet below using the spaceship's technology. This reflects their mission and the immediate challenge they are facing in this scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict arises from the unknown intentions of the spaceship and the mysterious events unfolding, creating tension and intrigue.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the challenges the protagonist faces in creating life and understanding the spaceship's purpose, adding suspense and conflict.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are implied through the grand scale of the spaceship's actions and the creation of life on a planet, hinting at larger consequences and mysteries to come.

Story Forward: 9

The scene sets up a compelling premise and moves the story forward by establishing the foundation for the narrative to unfold.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected events like the creation of life, black holes, and the spaceship's mysterious actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between creation and destruction. The spaceship creates life through the eggs but also destroys it with the green goo. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the balance between creation and destruction.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of wonder, awe, and curiosity, drawing the audience into the fantastical world being presented.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal but serves its purpose in enhancing the surreal and mysterious atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its fantastical elements, philosophical conflicts, and the mystery surrounding the spaceship's purpose and actions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and curiosity as the spaceship's actions unfold, leading to a climactic reveal of the Garden of Eden within the ship.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene aligns with the expected format for a science fiction screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows an expected structure for a science fiction genre, with a clear introduction, development, and resolution of the protagonist's goals.


Critique
  • The scene is visually rich and imaginative, effectively establishing a grand scale and a sense of wonder. However, the excessive use of exclamatory phrases (e.g., 'HOLY SHIT', 'FUCKING BONKERS') can detract from the overall tone and may come off as unprofessional. Consider toning down the language to maintain a more consistent narrative voice.
  • The pacing is uneven, particularly in the transition from the ship's journey through space to the detailed description of the megastructure and the subsequent events. While the imagery is captivating, it may benefit from a more structured flow to guide the audience through the sequence of events more smoothly.
  • The use of music cues is a double-edged sword. While they can enhance the emotional impact, they may also limit the reader's imagination. Consider providing a brief description of the mood or tone you want to evoke instead of specific songs, allowing for more creative freedom in the production phase.
  • The scene lacks character development or emotional stakes. While the visuals are stunning, the absence of characters or a narrative thread makes it difficult for the audience to connect with the story. Introducing a character or a point of view could help ground the scene and provide a more relatable entry point for the audience.
  • The scientific concepts presented, such as black holes and the transformation of matter, are intriguing but may confuse viewers who are not familiar with these ideas. Simplifying the explanations or providing context could make the scene more accessible without sacrificing its complexity.
Suggestions
  • Consider introducing a character or a voiceover to provide context and emotional depth to the scene. This could help the audience connect with the visuals on a more personal level.
  • Streamline the pacing by breaking up long descriptive passages with shorter, punchier sentences or dialogue. This can create a more dynamic rhythm and keep the audience engaged.
  • Replace specific music cues with general descriptions of the desired mood or atmosphere. This allows for flexibility in production and encourages creative interpretation.
  • Clarify scientific concepts by using metaphors or relatable analogies that can help the audience grasp the ideas without needing extensive background knowledge.
  • Revise the language to maintain a consistent tone throughout the scene. Avoid excessive exclamations and focus on creating a more immersive experience through vivid imagery and thoughtful descriptions.



Scene 2 -  Chaos in the Cargo Bay
EXT. SPACE - CIGAR SHIP

A quick look for reference.


INT. CIGAR SHIP - CARGO BAY

Only DRAMATIC SCORE plays throughout the bizarre scene.

- A huge BAY, bustling with activity - ten stories of
spiraling catwalks above. Viewports reveal space outside --
100s of human-like people with radiant-gold skin and bright
green eyes scurry about the bay. Their anxiety is palpable;
something is wrong.

- On a CATWALK, 1000 or more small, wispy, GREEN-GHOSTLIKE-
ENTITIES float in a line like they are waiting to get into a
concert.

- One GOLD MAN stands at the front - he scans them, one by
one - each scan triggers a conveyor which raises a POD - it
opens -- REVEALING -- an unconscious gold person - a green
ghost enters the body - it animates then saunters off... then
the next and the next...

- Three gold people, A WOMAN and TWO MEN, sit atop the bay.
They don unique robes with alien insignia, which likely
signifies leadership. Their conversation seems essential.

- Something grabs their attention -- a SUSPICIOUS MAN below.
They seem to recognize him. The three appear to be
communicating a plan. The woman barks orders; no doubt she is
in charge. They split up.

- The two men sprint out of the bay down a corridor. The
woman draws a weapon and follows the suspicious man. He
stops, looks back at her, and smiles. He holds up a small
spherical object. She yells and gestures for all to evacuate.

- She inputs something into a hologram emanating from her
palm. It initiates forcefields that seal the bay, trapping
most inside. Silent screams, chaos...

- The two men run back to the entrance and struggle through
the fleeing crowd. They see the woman through the
forcefield. She glances back and mouths, “I love you” to
one. He falls to his knees, screaming “NO!!”
5


She sprints toward the madman and tackles him. The little
pebble-like sphere trickles from his fingers and rolls off.
It opens and releases a 2D black circle the size of a large
coin -- it floats up and hovers 10 meters off the ground.

-- FLASH -- in an instant, everything is sucked in -- metal,
people, ghosts - all mashed and pinned to the circle - frozen
in time -- THEN -- it all turns red and fades away.

- Only the black circle and space remain on that side of the
forcefield.

- The two men look into the void. One weeps, the other
consoles. They stare at the singularity. It stares back,
taunting them, bouncing slightly - left and right... up and
down... a tiny POLKA-DOT-OF-DEATH
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In the bustling cargo bay of a cigar-shaped spaceship, a gold-skinned man oversees the scanning of ghost-like entities, triggering pods that release unconscious gold people. As the woman leader pursues a suspicious man, chaos erupts when she activates forcefields to trap most inside. In a desperate confrontation, the man reveals a dangerous device that creates a black circle, sucking everything into it and leaving only the two male leaders staring into the void, filled with despair.
Strengths
  • Unique concept
  • High stakes
  • Emotional impact
  • Suspenseful tone
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a compelling mix of genres, tones, and sentiments. The unique elements and high stakes create a sense of urgency and intrigue, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of alien beings, ghost-like entities, and a singularity adds depth and complexity to the scene. The innovative ideas and imaginative world-building enhance the overall storytelling.

Plot: 8

The plot is driven by suspense and conflict, with the characters facing a life-threatening situation. The unfolding events keep the audience invested and eager to see how the story will progress.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements like the green-ghostlike entities, the black circle of destruction, and the emotional dynamics between the characters. The dialogue and actions feel authentic and contribute to the overall originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters display courage, love, and determination in the face of danger. Their actions and emotions add depth to the scene and drive the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo emotional and psychological changes as they confront the danger and make difficult choices. Their growth and development add depth to the scene and drive the narrative forward.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect their loved ones and the people on the ship from the threat posed by the suspicious man and the black circle.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to stop the suspicious man from activating the black circle and causing destruction on the ship.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and life-threatening, with the characters facing a dangerous situation that tests their courage and resolve. The high stakes drive the tension and suspense of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a formidable threat in the form of the suspicious man and the black circle. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are incredibly high, with the characters facing a life-or-death situation that tests their courage and loyalty. The outcome of the conflict will have far-reaching consequences for the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new challenges and conflicts for the characters to overcome. The events set the stage for further developments and plot twists.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden appearance of the black circle, the unexpected actions of the characters, and the shocking outcome that defies expectations.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of sacrifice, love, and the consequences of one's actions. The protagonist must make a difficult choice between personal safety and the greater good.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from anxiety and fear to love and sacrifice. The characters' emotional journey and the high stakes create a powerful impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal but impactful, conveying essential information and emotions. The characters' interactions and reactions enhance the tension and drama of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense action, emotional conflicts, and unexpected twists that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual buildup of tension, a fast-paced action sequence, and a poignant resolution that allows for emotional impact to sink in.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a sci-fi screenplay, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, a climax of action, and a resolution that leaves room for further development. The formatting aligns with the sci-fi genre expectations.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of urgency and chaos, which is crucial for engaging the audience. However, the lack of dialogue makes it challenging to fully grasp the motivations and relationships between characters. While the visuals are vivid, adding some internal monologue or brief exchanges could enhance character development and emotional stakes.
  • The description of the setting is rich and imaginative, but it may benefit from a clearer sense of spatial orientation. The reader might struggle to visualize the layout of the cargo bay and the relationship between the characters and their environment. Consider incorporating more specific details about the distances and positions of characters relative to one another.
  • The use of a dramatic score is a strong choice, but it might be more impactful if the score's emotional tone is reflected in the characters' actions and expressions. For instance, if the score is tense, the characters' movements should mirror that tension, perhaps through frantic gestures or facial expressions.
  • The introduction of the 'suspicious man' feels somewhat abrupt. Providing a brief backstory or context for why he is deemed suspicious could heighten the tension and make the audience more invested in the unfolding chaos. This could be achieved through a quick flashback or a visual cue that hints at his previous actions.
  • The climax of the scene, where the black circle appears, is visually striking but may leave the audience confused about its significance. Clarifying the nature of this object and its implications for the characters could enhance the stakes. Is it a weapon? A portal? Providing a hint or a line of dialogue that suggests its importance would ground the audience's understanding.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate brief snippets of dialogue or internal thoughts to provide insight into the characters' motivations and relationships, enhancing emotional engagement.
  • Clarify the spatial layout of the cargo bay by adding specific details about distances and positions, helping the reader visualize the scene more effectively.
  • Ensure that the characters' actions and expressions align with the emotional tone of the score, creating a cohesive atmosphere that amplifies the tension.
  • Provide context for the suspicious man to deepen the audience's understanding of the conflict and increase the stakes of the scene.
  • Clarify the significance of the black circle by hinting at its nature or purpose through visual cues or dialogue, ensuring the audience understands its implications for the characters.



Scene 3 -  Father-Son Operatives: A Morning of Preparation
INT. KEMP’S BEDROOM - DAY

Easing back -- the same watery canvas - a dark cobalt iris --
an eye -- a man’s face takes shape. KEMP ALBURN (50, Black-
British) is a muscular, rugged Alpha with serious gravitas.
His dark eyes have stories to tell, but his gruff demeanor
says he is not much of a storyteller.

Kemp sits up in bed, puts his face in his palms, rubs his
eyes, and yells out -

KEMP
(Brummie-British-Badass-
Peaky-Blinders accent)
NIN, wake the fuck up you. Have
work today...

NIN
(same badass accent)
Ok Dad, give me a bit, shite....

SUPER: WEST MIDLANDS COUNTY, UK - 2028

NIN, Kemp’s son (mid-20s Black-British), is also a total
badass.

The OLD HOUSE is pretty run-down. It looks like two guys with
little regard for cleanliness live here. It’s a dump.

They meet in the KITCHEN for breakfast and eat like prisoners
- fast, efficient.

NIN (CONT’D)
What’s the job?
6


KEMP
Got two. First, we gots a bit of
wet-work for our MI-5 mates.

NIN
Why can’t they do it themselves
this time?

KEMP
Cause they want it done right is
why. We meet at the chopper in 30.

NIN
What’s the other job?

KEMP
For the Americans.

NIN
CIA minges again?

Kemp’s phone dings. Kemp checks.

KEMP
MI-5. Time to strap up.

They head back to KEMP’S ROOM. Kemp slides a big trunk out
from under his bed -- REVEALING -- a shit-ton of guns,
knives, grenades, and badass shit.

MUSIC CUE: “METAL GODS” by Judas Priest
I’m kind of fond of this cue. But again, Sharpie, if you must. But this
is money, folks.

- Kemp puts on black combat pants and a tactical vest -
secures various blades in pockets -- the KNUCKLE KARAMBITS
are the filthiest

- Sounds of zippers and Velcro find the rhythm.

- He removes two handguns, a SIG SAUER P228 and a CZ 75

- Nin puts on his camo combat pants and tactical vest. His
choice of the blade... Two HARPOON PUSH DAGGERS. His gun --
BARETTA 92.

HARPOON PUSH DAGGERS? Really Bruh? For fuck’s sake. -- Yes... Really!!

- They place their guns on the desk - side by side

- At otherworldly speed, they tear the guns down - a blur.

- Lay components on a soft towel and clean the parts.
7


- Reassemble gun components in unison - like it’s a race --
again, the speed - supernatural.

- The sounds of gun-metal as it engages -- CLICK - CLICK --
synchronized in beautiful rhythm with the music of their
Birmingham brethren -- Judas Priest.

“Mehhhhhtal Gahhds....”

“Mehhhhhtal Gahhds.....”

One hell of a trailer right there, folks. Fuckin’ Idris Elba, Sope
Dirisu, guns, knives; Judas fuckin Priest. I see millions of new
streaming subscriptions. I see us driving new Ferraris to the beach as
we laugh and drink Mai Tai’s. Mr. Elba is there, wearing a diamond-
encrusted speedo made of 24 Karat-Gold... Just Brilliant!!
Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary In a gritty West Midlands bedroom, seasoned operative Kemp Alburn wakes his son Nin for a day of high-stakes missions. Over breakfast, they discuss their assignments for MI-5 and the CIA, showcasing their camaraderie and shared badass attitude. As Judas Priest's 'Metal Gods' plays, they efficiently gear up, revealing an impressive arsenal of weapons. The scene captures their urgency and expertise, culminating in a powerful moment as they prepare to embark on their dangerous tasks.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Dynamic character interactions
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited character depth
  • Potential for more emotional depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, intense, and sets up a high-stakes mission effectively. The use of unique elements and fast-paced action sequences contribute to its high rating.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a father-son duo involved in dangerous missions for different agencies is intriguing and well-executed. The scene effectively establishes the world and the characters' roles.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with clear objectives for the characters and a sense of urgency. The introduction of multiple missions adds complexity and keeps the audience engaged.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique characters, settings, and situations within the action genre. The dialogue, character interactions, and action sequences feel authentic and fresh, offering a new take on familiar tropes.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are established through their actions and dialogue, showcasing their skills and relationship dynamics. However, more depth could be added to enhance their complexity.

Character Changes: 6

While there are subtle shifts in the characters' dynamics, more significant changes could be explored to add depth to their arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

Kemp's internal goal in this scene is to prepare for the dangerous missions ahead while maintaining his tough and stoic demeanor. This reflects his need to protect his son, uphold his reputation as a skilled operative, and navigate the challenges of his line of work.

External Goal: 9

Kemp's external goal is to successfully complete the wet-work mission for MI-5 and the job for the Americans. These goals reflect the immediate challenges and risks he faces in his line of work.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is intense and multi-layered, involving personal, professional, and moral dilemmas that drive the characters' actions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing dangerous missions, moral dilemmas, and external threats. The audience is left uncertain about the characters' fates and the outcomes of their missions.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes are evident through the dangerous missions, the characters' skills, and the potential consequences of failure.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new missions, establishing character relationships, and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' dangerous missions, unexpected twists in dialogue, and the high level of risk involved. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will navigate their challenges.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' willingness to engage in dangerous and morally ambiguous work for government agencies. This challenges their values, ethics, and sense of duty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes tension and anticipation, but there is room to deepen emotional connections with the characters to enhance impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, filled with banter and tension, reflecting the characters' personalities and the high-stakes nature of their work.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, sharp dialogue, and high-stakes missions. The tension between the characters, the detailed weapon descriptions, and the sense of urgency keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and dynamic, mirroring the characters' urgency and readiness for action. The rhythm of the dialogue, action sequences, and music cues enhances the scene's effectiveness and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for an action genre screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and action descriptions. The use of music cues and visual cues enhances the reader's experience.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for an action genre screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The pacing and formatting contribute to the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the characters of Kemp and Nin, showcasing their tough personas and the father-son dynamic. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to deepen their relationship and provide insight into their past experiences.
  • The setting of the rundown house is well described, but it could be enhanced by incorporating more sensory details that evoke the atmosphere of their living conditions. For example, mentioning specific smells or sounds could create a more immersive experience.
  • The transition from the emotional weight of the previous scene to the more action-oriented tone of this scene feels abrupt. A smoother transition could help maintain narrative flow and emotional continuity.
  • The use of music as a cue is a strong choice, but the commentary on the music feels overly self-referential and could distract from the scene's momentum. Instead, consider allowing the music to speak for itself and focus on the characters' actions and emotions.
  • The dialogue, while snappy, sometimes leans too heavily on slang and colloquialisms, which may alienate some readers. Striking a balance between authenticity and accessibility would enhance the dialogue's impact.
  • The scene's pacing is quick, which suits the action-oriented nature of the characters, but it may benefit from moments of pause to allow the audience to absorb the stakes of their upcoming missions. This could also provide opportunities for character development.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the setting, such as the smell of coffee or the sound of creaking floorboards, to create a vivid atmosphere.
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or banter between Kemp and Nin that reveals more about their relationship and past experiences, deepening the emotional stakes.
  • Smooth the transition from the previous scene by including a brief moment of silence or a shared look between the characters that acknowledges the chaos they just experienced.
  • Revise the commentary on the music to be more subtle, allowing the action and the music to complement each other without overtly drawing attention to the choice.
  • Ensure that the dialogue remains authentic to the characters while being accessible to a wider audience. This could involve simplifying some of the slang or providing context for certain phrases.
  • Introduce brief pauses in the action where Kemp and Nin can exchange meaningful glances or comments that hint at their feelings about the jobs ahead, adding depth to their characters.



Scene 4 -  Mission Briefing: The Hunt for Kassar
EXT. GRASS FIELD - DAY

A Helicopter lands in a field -- Kemp and Nin exit their
RANGE ROVER and are greeted by DAWN (40s) MI5, no doubt about
it.

DAWN
Alright, you brawny Brummies, ready
to take down a terrorist?

KEMP
Would like to finish breakfast. We
be quick about it.

DAWN
Good, he is a nasty one.
DRAMMAD KASSAR, Real name - WILLIAM
CORNCHESTER. Intel has it; he is
planning attacks on schools right
here in the Black Country.
Expat with ties to about every
terrorist organization in the
Middle East and Eastern Europe.

NIN
Oh, fancies himself a big tyma,
does he? Let’s put an end to this
piece of shite.

DAWN
This is his big play to get an
invite from Syria. Let’s nip that
in the bud, shall we boys?
8


KEMP
Ar. Enough fartin’ about. Let’s go
do a job.

They hop in the chopper.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary In a grassy field, Kemp and Nin arrive in a Range Rover to meet MI5 agent Dawn, who briefs them on their mission to apprehend terrorist Drammad Kassar, planning attacks on schools. While Kemp humorously expresses a desire to finish breakfast, Nin eagerly anticipates confronting Kassar. The scene captures the urgency of their task against the backdrop of camaraderie, ending with the trio boarding a helicopter to begin their mission.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • High stakes
  • Engaging conflict
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Character development potential

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, intense, and sets up a high-stakes mission effectively. The dialogue is sharp, and the characters are well-defined.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a mission to stop a terrorist planning attacks on schools is compelling and relevant. The scene effectively introduces the conflict and sets the stage for action.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a clear objective and escalating tension. The scene moves the story forward by introducing the mission and the main antagonist.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the espionage and counter-terrorism genre, focusing on a specific threat to schools in the Black Country. The characters' dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to their personalities.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are distinct and have strong personalities. Their interactions and dialogue add depth to the scene and set up potential character arcs.

Character Changes: 6

While there are hints of character development, such as Nin's determination to stop the terrorist, more significant changes could enhance the scene's impact.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to fulfill their duty to protect their country and prevent a terrorist attack. This reflects their deeper need for safety and security, as well as their desire to make a difference and serve a greater cause.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to apprehend the terrorist planning attacks on schools in the Black Country. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the need to prevent a potential tragedy.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters and the mission's objective creates tension and drives the scene forward. The stakes are high, adding to the intensity.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing a dangerous terrorist threat and the potential for violence. The audience is unsure of how the characters will overcome this challenge.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with innocent lives at risk from a terrorist attack. The urgency of the mission adds tension and importance to the characters' actions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively sets up the mission, introduces the main conflict, and propels the story forward towards the resolution of the terrorist threat.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unknown outcome of the characters' mission and the potential dangers they face. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the value of national security and the protection of innocent lives versus the rights and motivations of the terrorist. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs in justice and the greater good.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes tension and determination, but there is room to deepen emotional engagement with the characters and their motivations.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals the characters' personalities effectively. It drives the scene forward and adds tension to the mission.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, tense dialogue, and high stakes. The audience is drawn into the characters' mission and the urgency of their task.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The dialogue and action sequences are well-paced, keeping the story moving forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear character names, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful action sequence in a thriller genre, with a clear setup of the mission and the characters' goals.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the urgency of the mission and the characters' motivations, particularly through the dialogue between Kemp, Nin, and Dawn. However, the dialogue could benefit from more distinct character voices to enhance their individuality.
  • Kemp's desire to finish breakfast adds a touch of humor and relatability, but it may undermine the tension of the situation. Balancing humor with the seriousness of their mission is crucial to maintain the scene's stakes.
  • The exposition regarding Drammad Kassar feels somewhat heavy-handed. While it's important to convey the threat, consider integrating this information more organically into the dialogue or through visual storytelling to avoid an info-dump.
  • The use of regional slang ('brawny Brummies', 'big tyma', 'piece of shite') adds authenticity to the characters, but it may alienate some viewers unfamiliar with these terms. A balance between authenticity and accessibility is essential.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one is abrupt. A smoother segue could enhance the flow of the screenplay, perhaps by incorporating a brief moment of reflection or a visual cue that connects the two scenes.
Suggestions
  • Consider giving each character a more distinct voice or mannerism to make their personalities stand out. For example, Dawn could have a more formal tone, contrasting with Kemp's laid-back attitude.
  • To maintain tension, you might want to minimize the humor surrounding breakfast. Perhaps Kemp could express his desire to eat in a more serious context, indicating he’s focused but still human.
  • Instead of a straightforward exposition about Kassar, you could show the characters discussing their past encounters or experiences with similar threats, which would provide context without feeling forced.
  • If using slang, consider providing a brief context or reaction from another character to clarify the meaning for the audience, ensuring that the dialogue remains engaging for all viewers.
  • To improve the transition, you could add a brief moment where Kemp and Nin reflect on their previous mission or the stakes of this one, creating a more cohesive narrative flow.



Scene 5 -  Bombs Away: A Darkly Comedic Infiltration
EXT. GRASS FIELD IN THE BLACK COUNTRY - DAY

They land in thick morning fog on a field at the edge of the
forest. A hundred yards out is a lone abandoned TENEMENT.

DAWN
There are 10 guards. Drammad is on
the third floor making the bombs.
Be careful and be quick.

NIN
I am a scalpel, miss, always quick.
I do take my time at other
activities though... Bab.

He winks at her.

KEMP
Ignore Junior; my apologies, miss.

Kemp smiles and gives him a “you’re saft” look.

KEMP (CONT’D)
We are gonna move in from the
north. When I raise my hand, cut
the power.

DAWN
Got it.

Kemp and Nin get night vision goggles and screw on silencers.

Then -- POOF -- they’re gone. Brief snapshots through gaps in
the fog reveal they move at otherworldly speed. They are
already there... impossible. Kemp signals to cut the power --
lights out.

They stand, backs to the door -- pull down night vision and
enter. It’s a turkey shoot. Five men dead in less than four
seconds.

NIN
Clear.

They go up the stairs, where more unlucky bastards have no
chance in hell.
9


Nin de-throats one with his HARPOON PUSH DAGGER - No voice
box = No screams - Throws him over the rail -- THUD -- Shakes
throat flesh from dagger in one motion, flinging it towards
potential viewers -- SPLAT --

Blood spattered camera. Shit... vocal chords slowly ooze down
the lens. Barbaric shit here. Dude, this is ancient violence.

Kemp seems content with putting silent bullet holes in men’s
foreheads -- Nin gives a “you’re lazy” shrug -- THEN -- Kemp
pulls his Karambits, one in each hand -- spins them around
his fingers, and does a dance-of-death -- 3 calculated
strides, one snake-like uncoil and two surgical slashes of
two mens’ necks -- Carotids spray like firehouses.

DRAMMAD (50s), a typical dead-eyed weirdo, bursts out of a
room, holding a trigger.

DRAMMAD
(Re: to the trigger)
I will blow this place.

KEMP
Really, you would blow it all up?
That wouldn’t be memorable now,
would it?

Looks to Nin.

KEMP (CONT’D)
Would it, son?

NIN
We are ghosts in the eyes of King
and Country. It will be written up
as some wannabe knobber terrorist
who blew hisself up and shat his
pants.

KEMP
“The Brown Bomber” be the headline.

They laugh hysterically.

NIN
Good one, Pop. You still got it.
So... WILLY, can I call you Willy?
Drammad is arse. I’m gonna call you
Willy... Is that a dead man’s
trigger Willy? Never seen one. We
got a fancy chap here.
10


DRAMMAD
Yes, if I let go... boom, we all
die.

NIN
(yells loud)
BOOM!! He says.

Drammad is startled.

NIN (CONT’D)
HAHA! And the bomb, where is the
bomb for that trigger? I don’t see
a bomb. Are you lying to us, Willy?

Kemp laughs and coughs to stop but can’t.

KEMP
Don’t Nin, I am going to pee
myself.

DRAMMAD
Of course, there’s a bomb. It’s in
the room.

NIN
Alright.

Nin goes into the room and returns with the bomb, and two
other smaller bombs.

NIN (CONT’D)
This one is rigged to the trigger?

DRAMMAD
Yes.

NIN
I ran off with the circus when I
was a lad. I wanted to juggle
knives and fire and shit like that.
But jugglin’ bombs... Ace of aces.
Do you mind?

KEMP
(laughing)
You shite, I might have tinkled.


DRAMMAD
Are you saft? You’ll kill us all.

Looks to Kemp; panicked.
11


DRAMMAD (CONT’D)
Tell your boy here to stop.

Kemp is too busy laughing to respond. He manages to get out -

KEMP
Let the boy live his dream.

Nin proceeds to toss one bomb up -- catches it -- like a warm-
up. Then he tosses two up and nearly drops one. Drammad is
terrified by these crazy bastards.

NIN
Ok, I think I feel the weight now.
I got it...

He starts to juggle -- stops -- runs at Drammad holding bombs
-- squeezes his hand to secure the trigger -- pushes Drammad,
and bombs through the window -- He explodes right before he
hits the ground. They look down at the mess.

KEMP
You think he fudged hisself?

NIN
Oh... he shat alright. It’s a
shame. He wasn’t even Level 1 boss
material, kinda disappointed pops.

KEMP
Well we gettin paid, ent that
enough? Let’s get back home and see
what the Americans want. Maybe we
meet a last level boss, like a
Bowser.

NIN
Metroid - Mother Brain, that’s a
boss battle.

KEMP
Yeahhh! We play Metroid tonight
after our work is done.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Comedy"]

Summary In a foggy field, Kemp and Nin stealthily infiltrate an abandoned tenement to confront the bomb-making antagonist, Drammad. They swiftly eliminate guards, showcasing their combat prowess. When Drammad threatens to detonate the building, Nin humorously juggles bombs before cleverly pushing him out the window, triggering a dramatic explosion. The scene blends intense action with dark humor as Kemp and Nin share jokes about video games, planning their next move after the mission.
Strengths
  • Unique concept
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Blend of action and humor
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Potentially offensive humor

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends action, humor, and tension, keeping the audience engaged and entertained throughout. The juggling act with the bombs adds a creative and unexpected element, enhancing the overall impact of the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a high-stakes mission to apprehend a terrorist is well-executed, with the added twist of the characters juggling bombs to defuse the situation. This unique approach to an action scene sets it apart and adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the mission to capture the terrorist, with the unexpected juggling act adding a layer of complexity and excitement. The progression of the mission is well-paced, leading to a satisfying resolution.

Originality: 9

The scene features a unique mix of modern and ancient weapons, along with dark humor in the face of violence. The characters' dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Kemp and Nin, are well-developed and showcase a dynamic relationship filled with humor and camaraderie. Their distinct personalities and dialogue contribute to the scene's overall tone and impact.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not a significant character arc in this scene, the interaction between Kemp, Nin, and Drammad showcases their personalities and dynamics, providing insight into their motivations and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

Nin's internal goal is to prove his skills and loyalty to Kemp, his father figure. He wants to show that he is capable and reliable in dangerous situations.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully complete the mission of infiltrating the tenement and neutralizing the threat posed by Drammad and his bombs.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing a dangerous terrorist and a ticking bomb. The tension is effectively built through the dialogue, action sequences, and the characters' interactions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing a dangerous mission and unexpected challenges. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will overcome the obstacles.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the characters facing a dangerous terrorist and a potential explosion. The tension and urgency of the mission are effectively conveyed, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by resolving the mission to capture the terrorist and setting up potential future conflicts or developments. The juggling act with the bombs adds a memorable and impactful moment to the narrative progression.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unexpected actions and reactions to the situation. The dark humor adds a layer of unpredictability to the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the characters' casual attitude towards violence and death, and the seriousness of their mission. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the value of human life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from tension and suspense to humor and amusement. The unexpected juggling act with the bombs adds a layer of emotional complexity, keeping the audience engaged and entertained.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, witty, and filled with humor. It effectively conveys the characters' personalities and relationships while adding depth to the action-packed scenario. The banter between Kemp, Nin, and Drammad enhances the scene's entertainment value.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and unexpected twists. The tension and humor keep the audience invested in the characters' journey.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing action with dialogue, creating tension and suspense. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly and adds to the overall tone of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the action sequences.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the high-stakes nature of the mission, showcasing the characters' skills and camaraderie. However, the humor, while entertaining, sometimes undermines the tension of the situation. The juxtaposition of dark humor with violent action can be tricky; it may be beneficial to balance these elements more carefully to maintain the scene's intensity.
  • The dialogue is witty and showcases the characters' personalities, particularly Nin's playful banter. However, some lines feel overly expository, especially when characters explain their actions or motivations. For instance, Nin's dialogue about juggling bombs could be streamlined to enhance the flow and maintain the scene's pace.
  • The action sequences are vivid and engaging, but the descriptions can be overly graphic, which may alienate some readers. While the intention is to convey the brutality of their actions, consider toning down the gore in favor of more strategic descriptions that focus on the characters' skills and the stakes involved.
  • The character dynamics between Kemp and Nin are well-established, but the introduction of Drammad feels somewhat clichéd. His characterization as a 'typical dead-eyed weirdo' lacks depth. Providing a more nuanced portrayal or backstory could enhance the stakes and make the confrontation more compelling.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition from the initial stealth approach to the chaotic action could be smoother. Consider adding a moment of tension before the action kicks off, such as a close call with a guard or a brief hesitation that heightens the suspense.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the humor to ensure it complements the action rather than detracts from it. You might explore moments of levity that arise naturally from the situation rather than forced jokes.
  • Streamline dialogue to reduce exposition and enhance the natural flow of conversation. Focus on subtext and character interactions that reveal their personalities without overtly stating their intentions.
  • Tone down graphic descriptions of violence to maintain reader engagement. Focus on the impact of the actions rather than the explicit details, allowing the audience to infer the brutality.
  • Develop Drammad's character further to create a more engaging antagonist. Consider giving him a unique quirk or motivation that sets him apart from typical villains.
  • Add a moment of tension or suspense before the action escalates to create a more impactful transition. This could involve a close call or an unexpected obstacle that forces the characters to adapt quickly.



Scene 6 -  Breakfast Briefing: A Job with Friends
INT. KEMP'S KITCHEN - DAY

Kemp and Nin sit at the table and finish breakfast, as if
they didn’t like kill a bunch of dudes and blow one up.

KEMP
Next job, simple. Spooks want us to
deliver some dark-net druglord
12


NIN
Should be easy. We will need ZAZ
for all the Tor dark-net shit.

KEMP
He is already on his way.

NIN
You know the CIA made the Tor
network, but now they hire out when
they need to find some dodgy fucka.

KEMP
Nobody wants to get their Donnies
dirty anymore. Want deniability, so
they outsource. It’s the American
way.

NIN
Question... What does the CIA want
with a dark-net drug dealer? That’s
feds, not spooks.

KEMP
I learnt not to ask questions and
get paid.

They nod and finish eating -- KNOCK-KNOCK --

Kemp answers the door. A peculiar, short-skinny Welshman
stands at the entrance. ZAZ (late 40s), he looks like he does
not get much sun and gives off the 5-alarm nerd vibe. The
Boba Fett T-shirt being the 5th alarm.

KEMP (CONT’D)
Alright ZAZ. It’s been too long,
mate.

Gives Zaz a bearhug.

ZAZ
(in a discernible Welsh
accent)
KEMP, you ol’ cont uffar. Been too
long it has. Harder to keep track
of time the older we get.

KEMP
Ar ta that, ol’ salty dawgs is what
we are.

They laugh.
13
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Crime"]

Summary In Kemp's kitchen, the trio of Kemp, Nin, and ZAZ gather for breakfast, discussing their upcoming job involving a dark-net druglord and the CIA's role in it. Their conversation is light-hearted, filled with humor and camaraderie, especially as ZAZ makes a jovial entrance in a Boba Fett T-shirt. Despite the serious implications of their work, the scene emphasizes their friendship and acceptance of the situation, ending with shared laughter.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Character development
  • Humorous tone
Weaknesses
  • Lack of emotional depth
  • Minimal character change

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances humor and action, setting up the upcoming mission while also developing the characters through their interactions.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of having a casual breakfast briefing before a dangerous mission adds depth to the characters and creates an interesting juxtaposition.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as the characters discuss their next mission, providing necessary exposition while maintaining a light-hearted tone.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements like the dark-net druglord delivery job and the use of slang and banter to create a unique atmosphere. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed through their dialogue and interactions, showcasing their personalities and relationships.

Character Changes: 4

There is minimal character change in this scene, as it serves more as a setup for the mission.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of detachment and professionalism in their criminal activities, despite the morally questionable nature of their work. This reflects their need to survive in a dangerous world and their fear of getting emotionally involved in their criminal endeavors.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to successfully complete the job of delivering a dark-net druglord to the spooks. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in their criminal activities and the need to maintain their reputation in the criminal underworld.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a mild conflict in the form of discussing the upcoming mission and differing opinions on how to approach it.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing challenges in their criminal activities and the introduction of new obstacles like the dark-net druglord delivery job. The audience is left wondering how the characters will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderate, as the characters are preparing for a dangerous mission but maintain a light-hearted attitude.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing the next mission and setting up the action to come.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions and the introduction of new elements like the dark-net druglord delivery job. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the characters will navigate the challenges they face.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between loyalty to one's criminal associates and the desire for self-preservation. Kemp and Nin must navigate their loyalty to ZAZ while also prioritizing their own safety and financial gain.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene is more focused on humor and camaraderie than emotional depth.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty and engaging, revealing information about the characters and their world while also providing humor.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the sharp dialogue, intriguing characters, and the sense of danger and mystery in the criminal underworld setting. The banter between characters and the introduction of new elements like the dark-net druglord delivery job keep the audience hooked.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and intrigue through sharp dialogue and character interactions. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and eager to see how the story unfolds.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime thriller genre, with a clear setup of the characters' goals and motivations. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and intrigue.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the camaraderie between Kemp and Nin, showcasing their banter and the casual nature of their conversation despite the violent context of their previous actions. However, the transition from the intense action of the previous scene to a light-hearted breakfast feels abrupt. This tonal shift could benefit from a smoother bridge that acknowledges the gravity of their recent actions while still allowing for humor.
  • The dialogue is engaging and reflects the characters' personalities well, particularly their irreverent attitude towards their work. However, some lines, such as 'What does the CIA want with a dark-net drug dealer?' could be more concise. Streamlining dialogue can enhance the pacing and keep the audience engaged.
  • ZAZ's introduction is humorous and adds a new dynamic to the scene, but his description could be more visually integrated into the action. Instead of just stating his appearance, consider incorporating visual cues that show how he contrasts with Kemp and Nin, enhancing the comedic effect.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or tension. While the characters are discussing their next job, there is no immediate sense of urgency or stakes involved in this conversation. Introducing a minor complication or a hint of danger could elevate the tension and keep the audience invested.
  • The ending feels a bit flat after the humorous exchange. While the laughter is a nice touch, it might be more impactful to end with a line that hints at the upcoming mission or a foreshadowing element that ties back to the darker themes of the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or a joke that acknowledges the chaos of their last mission before transitioning to breakfast. This could help maintain continuity in tone.
  • Revise the dialogue to be more concise, particularly in areas where characters are explaining concepts that could be implied through their actions or context.
  • Enhance ZAZ's introduction by showing his quirks through action rather than just description. For example, have him fumble with gadgets or make a nerdy reference as he enters.
  • Introduce a minor conflict or complication during the breakfast conversation, such as a sudden alert about their next job or a hint of trouble with the CIA, to create a sense of urgency.
  • End the scene with a line that hints at the challenges they will face in the upcoming mission, perhaps a humorous or ominous remark from Kemp or Nin that ties back to their previous experiences.



Scene 7 -  Unraveling UMBRA
INT. KEMP’S GARAGE - DAY

Zaz has all of his tech set up and ready.

ZAZ
We are on the dark net, folks. It
took a whole one minute. It’s
scary. A sprog can do this. What’s
the market called?

KEMP
God’s Kingdom... gawby.

ZAZ
AHAA, there is lovely. Let’s gander
at all the tasty treats, shall we?

A drug market - God’s Kingdom -- it’s like the Amazon of
drugs with extra flair. Illustrations, cryptic watermarks,
statues of gods. It all gives off this ancient vibe. Oh...
and ahh.... drugs, ya, like every drug ever.

ZAZ (CONT’D)
Quaaludes! They haven’t made those
since the 80s I thought. What is in
a Quaalude anyway? Shit, can I buy
some?


Kemp gives him a “fuck off” look. They examine the market for
clues.

KEMP
That logo there, can you save that
image and open it up bigger?

Zaz nods and opens the image in another window.

KEMP (CONT’D)
That looks pretty familiar. Do you
see it?

ZAZ
I see pearly gates and St. Peter, I
do. It is God’s Kingdom and all.

KEMP
No... not the fuckin gates. There --
zoom in there on that thing.

ZAZ
Sure... one sec... You are right.
14


A green wispy UMBRA is on the screen, identical to the ghost
things from Kemp’s dream.

NIN
Go back down. Look.

The admin’s handle is UMBRA, and he signs under the name EA.

KEMP
He wouldn’t be that careless now,
would he?

ZAZ
Oh... my... That is most curious.
How long has it been since ya seen
em?

KEMP
A long, long time... It can’t be
him... selling drugs; that’s
bananas.

NIN
Probably some wannabe nutta. I’m
sure Zaz here has a Boba Fett
handle, but he is not. Are you
Boba Fett Zaz? Are you a... what
are they called? Mandy--

ZAZ
Mandalorian, thank you, and no I am
not Boba fucking Fett. Let me dig a
bit here. Couple hours and I will
have this bloke’s address, phone,
who he is having it off with, and
the size of his Plonker.


END ACT I
15



ACT II
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Crime"]

Summary In Kemp's garage, Zaz enthusiastically sets up his tech to explore the dark net, uncovering a drug market called 'God's Kingdom.' As they navigate the site, they discover various drugs and a suspicious user named UMBRA, prompting a debate between Zaz's excitement and Kemp's caution. Nin adds a skeptical perspective, highlighting the uncertainty surrounding UMBRA's identity. The scene blends humor with tension, ending with Zaz's determination to dig deeper into UMBRA's background.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing investigation
  • Humorous moments
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Lack of significant character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, combining action, humor, and investigation effectively. The dialogue is sharp, and the discovery of the familiar symbol adds intrigue to the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of investigating a dark net drug market with a mysterious connection to the past encounter is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as the characters uncover a significant clue in their investigation, leading to further intrigue and suspense.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the dark net drug market concept by incorporating elements of mystery, humor, and personal conflict. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show their investigative skills, humor, and camaraderie, adding depth to their personalities.

Character Changes: 6

While there is no significant character change in this scene, it does showcase the characters' investigative skills and camaraderie.

Internal Goal: 8

Zaz's internal goal is to uncover the identity of the drug seller on God's Kingdom and potentially confront his own past connections to the drug world. This reflects his desire for closure and redemption.

External Goal: 7

Zaz's external goal is to track down the drug seller's information and potentially stop the illegal activities on God's Kingdom. This reflects his immediate challenge of navigating the dark net and solving the mystery.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a conflict in uncovering the mysterious connection in the dark net drug market and the potential dangers it poses.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict for the characters, but not overwhelming to the point of predictability. The audience is left wondering how the characters will overcome the challenges they face.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as the characters uncover a mysterious connection that could have significant implications for their investigation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by providing a crucial clue in the investigation and setting up further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' discoveries and interactions. The audience is kept guessing about the true identity of the drug seller and the implications for the main characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the morality of drug selling and the characters' personal values. Kemp is conflicted about the possibility of someone he knows being involved in illegal activities, while Zaz is determined to uncover the truth regardless of the consequences.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene is more focused on intrigue and investigation rather than emotional depth.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, engaging, and reveals important information about the investigation and the characters' relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of suspense, humor, and character dynamics. The fast-paced dialogue and action keep the audience on the edge of their seats, eager to see how the mystery unfolds.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and suspenseful moments. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and maintains a sense of urgency and intrigue.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to the expected standards for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character dialogue, and action sequences. The formatting enhances the readability and visual impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character goals, conflicts, and resolutions. The pacing and formatting align with the genre expectations, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Critique
  • The dialogue in this scene is lively and captures the camaraderie between the characters, particularly the playful banter between Zaz and Kemp. However, some lines feel a bit forced or overly expository, particularly when Zaz explains the dark net and the drug market. This could be streamlined to maintain the flow of the conversation.
  • The description of the drug market as 'the Amazon of drugs with extra flair' is a creative metaphor, but it could benefit from more vivid imagery to enhance the reader's visualization. Instead of just stating it has 'illustrations' and 'statues of gods,' consider incorporating specific examples that evoke a stronger sense of place.
  • The introduction of the UMBRA character through the drug market feels a bit abrupt. While it serves to connect the plot threads, it might be more effective to build suspense around this reveal. Perhaps hint at UMBRA's significance earlier in the scene or through Zaz's reactions to the findings.
  • The humor in the scene is a strong point, particularly with Zaz's quirky personality. However, the pacing could be improved by balancing the comedic elements with the tension of the situation. As they uncover clues about UMBRA, the tone could shift slightly to reflect the gravity of their discovery.
  • The scene ends with a somewhat abrupt transition into Act II. While it serves as a cliffhanger, consider adding a line or two that emphasizes the stakes or the urgency of their next steps. This would create a smoother transition and heighten the anticipation for the following act.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the dialogue to eliminate any unnecessary exposition. Instead of explaining the dark net and the drug market in detail, let the characters' reactions and interactions convey the information more naturally.
  • Enhance the visual description of the drug market by incorporating more specific and evocative details. For example, describe the colors, textures, and atmosphere to create a more immersive experience for the reader.
  • Build suspense around the UMBRA reveal by foreshadowing its significance earlier in the scene. Perhaps Zaz could express a sense of unease or recognition before they discover the handle, creating a more impactful moment.
  • Balance the humor with the tension of the scene by allowing the characters to acknowledge the seriousness of their findings. This could involve a moment of silence or a serious exchange before they continue with their banter.
  • Add a concluding line that emphasizes the urgency of their next steps or the implications of their discovery about UMBRA. This would create a more compelling transition into Act II and maintain the reader's engagement.



Scene 8 -  A Fragile Balance
INT. CHIC BATHROOM - DAY

SUPER: FORT COLLINS, COLORADO - 2028

JOHN JONES (45-white) sits atop the throne. He is well
dressed -- black sweater and slacks that appear casual but
reek expensive. His dark cobalt eyes mesmerize.

He removes a small panel from the side of the sink cabinet --
REVEALING -- a small electronic safe -- punches in code.
Inside are black zippered POUCHES, a 9mm HANDGUN, two large
ZIPLOCKS full of what appears to be meth and opiates, and a
PRESCRIPTION BOTTLE labeled “Ambien.”

Chews 2 Ambien.

MUSIC CUE: Maybe some “Bodysnatchers” by Radiohead,
perchance?

QUICK CUTS:

-- Unzips pouch, removes a rubber tourniquet 2 prefilled
syringes.

-- Ties tourniquet with his teeth - bites off syringe cap

-- Nice juicy vein in the antecubital space of arm

-- Needle pierces skin then vein - plunges solution in

-- Rinse and repeat with the second syringe

-- puts everything back into pouch, zips, and drops in
trashcan.

John shows no junkie-like satisfaction. This was simply
business. He pulls down his sleeve and leaves.

END MUSIC CUE

The rest of the HOUSE is quite nice - definitely upper-class.
He enters the KITCHEN, where a young lady greets him.

BETH JONES (15) eats scrambled eggs while her head bobs to
and fro. She misses the mark frequently, based on the egg in
her hair.

Third Breakfast scene. Take that Mr. Gilligan.
16


She has wild hair with bits of egg in it. She wears a dirty T-
shirt that reads “FRHS Varsity Lacrosse.”

The beautiful sound of Iron Maiden leaks out of her earbud.
This girl is METAL!

John sits at the table and wipes some egg off her cheek. Beth
takes out her earbud.

JOHN
How is my Beth-Bird this morning?

Beth responds without a customary conversational pause.

BETH
You know that freshman? The only
freshman who made the Varsity
Lacrosse team? BETH JONES. Muah...

Beth points her thumb at herself while arching her back into
the “I am the shit” position.

BETH (CONT’D)
Well, badass, Beth has a big game
on Wednesday. You gonna be there?

JOHN
I wouldn’t miss it.

BETH
Sweet. I be goin’ B-T-B on those
Rocky High fuckers. I’m gonna pick
the biggest chick and shoulder
check her ass to the grass.

John sighs and droops his shoulders in the classic “I have
failed as a parent” manner. He recovers quickly.

JOHN
(calmly)
Let’s slow down a moment. First,
the language... Please, it’s
embarrassing. We had this
discussion. Second, what are the
golden rules again?

Beth looks down in shame.

BETH
(in the “you’re no fun
voice”)
Ok... Ok... No head-butting and no
stick as a weapon.
17


JOHN
Good... Good... Together now.

In unison.

JOHN (CONT’D) BETH
No head-butting and no No head-butts and no stick
weaponizing the stick. weaponing.

Beth’s confident body language has devolved into a slouch.

JOHN (CONT’D)
Aunt French will be at the game,
and we are going out for dinner
afterward, so don’t make plans.

BETH
Yeah! She owes me a game of Gin
Rummy. She said I could try to win
back the $20 I owe her. I am ready.

JOHN
Good luck with that. HAHA.

A car horn -- HONK-HONK --

BETH
That’s my ride. Love ya.

JOHN
Love you too. Have a good day. See
ya tonight.

Beth grabs her stuff and runs out.
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary In a chic bathroom, John Jones, a well-dressed man battling addiction, methodically consumes drugs before interacting with his spirited daughter, Beth, in the kitchen. As Beth excitedly shares her plans for an upcoming lacrosse game, their light-hearted conversation contrasts sharply with John's dark struggle. Despite his issues, John attempts to instill values in Beth, showcasing a mix of familial warmth and underlying tension. The scene concludes with a brief, affectionate exchange as Beth leaves for school, highlighting the fragile balance between John's addiction and his role as a father.
Strengths
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Subtle humor
  • Relatable family dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of high stakes
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes the relationship between the father and daughter while introducing a hint of conflict and humor.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a father-daughter relationship with a rebellious teenager and a concerned parent is relatable and engaging.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the morning routine of the family, setting up potential conflicts and dynamics for future development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the trope of a criminal leading a double life, combining elements of family drama, crime, and dark comedy. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of John and Beth are well-defined and their interactions feel authentic and engaging.

Character Changes: 6

Beth shows a slight shift in attitude from confident to slightly embarrassed, showcasing a small character change.

Internal Goal: 8

John's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a facade of normalcy and control despite his involvement in illegal activities. He wants to appear as a caring father to Beth while hiding his true nature.

External Goal: 7

John's external goal is to ensure Beth follows the rules and behaves appropriately, especially in front of Aunt French. He wants to maintain a good image in front of his family and society.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a mild conflict between John and Beth regarding her lacrosse game, adding depth to their relationship.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, but not overwhelming. John's struggle to maintain control over Beth's behavior adds complexity to the narrative and sets up future conflicts.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character dynamics and relationships.

Story Forward: 6

The scene sets up potential conflicts and dynamics for future development, moving the story forward gradually.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in character behavior and dialogue. The juxtaposition of dark themes with light-hearted moments keeps the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the juxtaposition of appearance versus reality. John presents himself as a loving father, but his actions reveal a darker side. This challenges the values of honesty and integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of love, embarrassment, and humor, making it relatable and engaging.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between John and Beth is natural and reflects their relationship dynamics effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of suspense, humor, and emotional depth. The characters' interactions and conflicts keep the audience invested in the story, while the dark humor adds a layer of intrigue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing intense moments with lighter interactions. The rhythm and flow of the dialogue maintain the audience's interest and build tension towards the resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character descriptions, and dialogue formatting. The visual and auditory cues enhance the atmosphere and tone of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a well-defined setting, character introductions, and conflict resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness, maintaining a balance between tension and humor.


Critique
  • The juxtaposition of John's drug use and his interaction with his daughter Beth creates a stark contrast that effectively highlights the duality of his character. However, the transition between these two aspects could be more seamless. The scene shifts abruptly from a dark moment of addiction to a light-hearted breakfast conversation, which may confuse the audience about John's character arc.
  • While the dialogue between John and Beth is lively and captures their relationship well, it could benefit from more subtext. The conversation is somewhat straightforward, and adding layers to their interaction could enhance the emotional depth. For instance, John could express more concern about Beth's aggressive attitude in lacrosse, hinting at his protective instincts.
  • The description of Beth's appearance and her actions is vivid, but it may come off as overly exaggerated, particularly the egg in her hair. While this detail adds humor, it risks undermining the seriousness of John's situation. Balancing humor with the gravity of John's addiction is crucial to maintaining the scene's tone.
  • The use of music cues is effective in setting the mood, but the choice of 'Bodysnatchers' by Radiohead may not align with the light-heartedness of the breakfast scene. Consider using a more upbeat track that contrasts with John's drug use while still reflecting the chaotic nature of his life.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual storytelling. For example, showing John's internal struggle through his body language or facial expressions during his interaction with Beth could provide a deeper insight into his character without relying solely on dialogue.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where John hesitates or shows a flicker of guilt before interacting with Beth, which could enhance the emotional weight of the scene and provide a clearer contrast between his addiction and his role as a father.
  • Incorporate more subtext into the dialogue. For example, John could ask Beth about her plans for the game in a way that reveals his concern for her safety, subtly indicating his protective nature without being overtly critical.
  • Reevaluate the humor in Beth's characterization. While it's important to maintain her spirited personality, consider toning down the exaggerated elements (like the egg in her hair) to keep the focus on the emotional stakes of the scene.
  • Reassess the music choice to better fit the tone of the breakfast scene. An upbeat or nostalgic track could create a more poignant contrast with John's darker actions, enhancing the emotional impact.
  • Add visual cues that reflect John's internal conflict, such as lingering shots on his face as he interacts with Beth, or subtle gestures that indicate his struggle with addiction, to deepen the audience's understanding of his character.



Scene 9 -  Echoes of the Past and Shadows of Urgency
INT. JOHN’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

John clocks -- FRAMED PICTURES -- on a shelf and smiles. One
picture is of him with a beautiful woman wearing a lei. They
have rings on, presumably on a Hawaii honeymoon. John touches
his left ring finger—no ring. The other picture is of him and
a buddy in Europe, looking like Spain or Italy.

He presses on something behind the TV, and the wall pops
open, revealing a... SECRET ROOM -- drugged-out-Batman here
has himself a bat cave...

INSIDE -- a hacker’s wet dream. State-of-the-art tech, like
seven screens going, server cabinet, and a bunch of other
networking equipment. He boots his stack and... HOLY WALTER
WHITE -- The screens are filled with all types of shady-ass
shit. Crypto trading, drug markets, and one particular market
is front and center... God’s Kingdom.
18


John enters his credentials to access God’s Kingdom. His
username is ‘UMBRA.’

The screen is full of druuggas. Handles like Walter-White’s-
Blue, Tuco’s-Tamales... Breaking Bad handles seem to be
popular. Meth, Coke, Molly, Pills, you name it. And yes...
Quaaludes.

John checks a crypto wallet -- it reads ‘XMR Balance
638700.51 = $100,200,232 USD’

-- HOLY-ELON-MUSK-CACA!! --

A call comes in. John puts in his earpiece, confirms
encryption, and then answers.

FRANCESCA MAXWELL, a Quantum Engineer, appears on the screen.
She goes by FRENCH (late 30s-African-American/White). She
wears thick black glasses and gives off a nerdy-very-sexy
vibe.

FRENCH
Hey, how is your day going?

JOHN
So far, so good. Beth left for
school.

FRENCH
The game is Wednesday at 5,
correct?

JOHN
Yup. And she wants to get back her
money after that.

FRENCH
Good luck to her. HA!

French gets serious.

FRENCH (CONT’D)
Have you seen the news about the
instability in Russia? It’s
starting. It won’t be long now. We
need to move. Soon.

JOHN
I know FRENCH, it’s not easy, you
know, for many reasons. Soon,
promise. Hell, it could be today if
I get wild hair.
19


FRENCH
Ok. And THE KID... he can’t wait
much longer. We need him.

JOHN
I know, I know. Please tell me it
is working before I promise
anything.

FRENCH
Oh ya, it’s working. Yup...

JOHN
I am not hearing confidence.

Based on his tone, John seems a tad anxious.

FRENCH
Well, we can only test it on
animals. Duh. The last five
primates were a success. The kinks
are out; it’s ready.

JOHN
Okay, keep perfecting it. I trust
you with my life, sweetie, and I
know you got this.

FRENCH
Does he know about this? About
where he is going?

JOHN
Yes, he does, and he is okay with
it. He turned out pretty good in
the end. It’s been 30 years now,
and considering where he started,
he did fine.

John tears up a bit about this person, presumably leaving
them.

JOHN (CONT’D)
I don’t have much to do today. A
road trip to Greeley may help put
things to rest. Like you said, make
peace with the past.

FRENCH
You do what you have to do. It is
ready whenever you are.

John nods and ends the call.
20
Genres: ["Thriller","Crime","Drama"]

Summary In a tense scene, John reflects on his past through framed pictures in his living room, revealing memories of a past relationship and friendship. He then accesses a secret high-tech room filled with illicit activities, particularly focusing on a project linked to instability in Russia and the welfare of a child. A call from Francesca Maxwell heightens the urgency as they discuss the project's readiness and their mutual concerns. The emotional tone blends nostalgia with anxiety, culminating in John's agreement to proceed cautiously after their conversation.
Strengths
  • Innovative use of technology and dark web
  • Emotional depth in character relationships
  • High-stakes mission with personal implications
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more dynamic
  • Character changes could be more pronounced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines suspense, emotional depth, and informative elements to create a compelling narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using advanced technology and the dark web in a thriller plot is engaging and adds depth to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a high-stakes mission and personal conflicts driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the spy thriller genre by blending domestic settings with high-tech espionage and moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the familiar tropes of the genre.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are complex and relatable, with emotional depth and personal motivations driving their actions.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo some development, particularly in their relationships and motivations, but could benefit from more significant changes.

Internal Goal: 8

John's internal goal in this scene is to reconcile his past actions with his present circumstances. His dialogue with French about the past and the future reflects his deeper need for closure and redemption.

External Goal: 7

John's external goal in this scene is to prepare for a risky operation involving a mysterious 'kid' and a potentially dangerous plan. This goal reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the world of illegal activities and espionage.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene contains both internal and external conflicts, adding tension and driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong but not overwhelming, creating a sense of challenge and uncertainty for the characters without overshadowing their goals and conflicts. The audience is left wondering about the outcome of John's risky operation and the mysterious 'kid.'

High Stakes: 9

The high-stakes mission to apprehend a terrorist, combined with personal implications for the characters, adds tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new plot elements, raising the stakes, and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and revelations, such as the secret room and the mysterious 'kid' mentioned in the dialogue. The audience is kept on edge by the characters' ambiguous motivations and hidden agendas.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between morality and necessity. John's involvement in illegal activities for a greater cause challenges his beliefs and values, as seen in his conversation with French about the risks and consequences of their actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from anxiety to hopefulness, adding depth to the characters and their relationships.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is informative and reveals important plot details, but could benefit from more dynamic exchanges.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of suspenseful action, emotional depth, and moral complexity. The dialogue between John and French keeps the audience invested in the characters' goals and conflicts, while the high-tech espionage elements add intrigue and suspense.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense, alternating between high-energy action and emotional reflection, and maintaining a sense of urgency and momentum throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and characters.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a spy thriller genre, with a gradual buildup of tension and suspense leading to a climactic revelation in the secret room. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the characters' goals and conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes John as a complex character, balancing his role as a father with his involvement in illegal activities. However, the transition from the domestic setting to the secret room feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the flow and maintain the audience's engagement.
  • The dialogue between John and Francesca is informative but could benefit from more subtext. While they discuss serious matters, the tone remains somewhat flat. Adding emotional stakes or tension could elevate the scene, making the audience feel the weight of their conversation.
  • John's character is well-defined through his actions and dialogue, but the emotional impact of his past and the 'kid' he refers to could be explored further. This would deepen the audience's connection to him and heighten the stakes of his decisions.
  • The use of humor, particularly in the references to 'Breaking Bad,' adds a light touch to an otherwise serious scene. However, the humor could be more integrated into the dialogue to avoid feeling like an aside. This would help maintain the tone while still addressing the gravity of the situation.
  • The visual description of the secret room is vivid and engaging, but it could be enhanced by incorporating more sensory details. Describing sounds, smells, or the atmosphere could immerse the audience further into John's world.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of hesitation or conflict for John before he accesses the secret room, which could heighten the tension and emphasize the duality of his character.
  • Incorporate more emotional depth into the dialogue with Francesca. For example, they could reminisce about their past or express concern for the child's future, which would add layers to their relationship.
  • Explore John's feelings about the 'kid' he references. Perhaps include a flashback or a brief internal monologue that reveals his fears or regrets, making his motivations clearer to the audience.
  • Integrate humor more seamlessly into the dialogue. Instead of standalone jokes, consider having characters react to the gravity of the situation with humor, which can create a more organic feel.
  • Enhance the sensory details in the description of the secret room. For instance, describe the hum of the machines, the glow of the screens, or the smell of stale coffee to create a more immersive experience.



Scene 10 -  Morning Drive of Freedom
EXT. NORTH-EASTERN COLORADO - EMPTY HIGHWAY - MORNING

A perfect Colorado day, not a cloud in the high skies. A long
stretch of lonely highway below -- THEN -- a fancy PORSCHE
SUV zooms by.

INSIDE -- John drives, sporting some dope-ass RAY-BAN
AVIATORS. He scrolls through Spotify on his Nav-Screen,
chooses a 90s metal mix, and turns it up loud.

John stares at the eastern plains while headbanging to Type O
Negative.

-- The Porsche traverses the highway below...
Buckle up bitches!! Time to indoctrinate.

BEGIN FLASHBACK
Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary On a clear Colorado morning, John drives his Porsche SUV down an empty highway, reveling in the upbeat tunes of a 90s metal mix. With Ray-Ban aviators on and a carefree spirit, he headbangs to the music, embodying a sense of exhilaration and nostalgia as he takes in the expansive eastern plains. The scene captures his enjoyment and anticipation before transitioning into a flashback.
Strengths
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Engaging action sequences
  • Effective blend of humor and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Some cliched dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends action, humor, and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and entertained.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-stakes mission to capture a terrorist is well-executed, with the added element of humor providing a unique twist.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as the characters embark on their mission, facing challenges and showcasing their skills in a high-stakes situation.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a level of originality through its unique setting, character dynamics, and thematic elements. The authenticity of John's actions and dialogue adds to the overall freshness of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and dynamics that add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters show growth and development as they face challenges and work together to complete their mission.

Internal Goal: 8

John's internal goal in this scene is to assert his independence and rebellious spirit. This reflects his deeper need for freedom and self-expression, as well as his fear of conformity and restriction.

External Goal: 7

John's external goal in this scene is to embark on an adventure or journey, as indicated by his driving on the empty highway and his desire to 'indoctrinate' someone. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances of his current location and the challenges he may face in the future.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters and the terrorist adds tension and suspense to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and challenge for the protagonist, but not overwhelming. This adds to the unpredictability and tension of the scene, keeping the audience on their toes.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of capturing a dangerous terrorist add urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, setting up the next phase of the characters' mission.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the hint of conflict and mystery surrounding John's actions and goals. The audience is left wondering what will happen next and how John's journey will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between individuality and conformity. John's rebellious nature and desire for freedom clash with societal expectations and norms, as indicated by his choice of music and attitude.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

While the scene is more focused on action and humor, there are moments of emotional connection between the characters that add depth.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and serves to develop the characters and drive the plot forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic character interactions, descriptive language, and sense of mystery and adventure. The reader is drawn into John's world and eager to see what happens next.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, as well as establishing the character's motivations and goals. The rhythm of the scene keeps the reader engaged and eager for more.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character descriptions, and dialogue formatting. The visual elements are effectively conveyed through descriptive language.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear introduction, character development, and hint of conflict. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness in setting up future events.


Critique
  • The scene effectively sets a vibrant tone with its description of a perfect Colorado day and the energetic imagery of John driving a Porsche SUV while listening to 90s metal. This creates an immediate sense of character and mood, suggesting a carefree attitude that contrasts with the darker themes of the screenplay.
  • However, the transition into the flashback feels abrupt. The phrase 'Buckle up bitches!! Time to indoctrinate.' is jarring and lacks context. It raises questions about what John is about to do and how it connects to the previous scene. This could benefit from a smoother lead-in that hints at the significance of the flashback.
  • The use of music as a character trait for John is a strong choice, as it helps to establish his personality. However, the specific mention of 'Type O Negative' could be more impactful if tied to John's emotional state or backstory, rather than just being a casual reference. This would deepen the audience's connection to him.
  • The visual elements are engaging, but the scene could benefit from more sensory details. For instance, describing the feel of the wind, the sound of the tires on the asphalt, or the landscape passing by could enhance the immersive quality of the scene.
  • The dialogue is absent in this scene, which is fine for a visual moment, but it might be worth considering adding internal monologue or thoughts from John to provide insight into his mindset as he drives. This could help bridge the gap between the carefree exterior and the underlying tension of the narrative.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue or thought process for John as he drives. This could provide context for his actions and emotions, making the transition into the flashback more seamless.
  • Revise the line 'Buckle up bitches!! Time to indoctrinate.' to better reflect John's character and the situation. Perhaps it could hint at his intentions or the gravity of what he is about to do, creating a stronger connection to the previous scene.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere of the scene. Describe the wind, the sound of the engine, or the sights of the Colorado landscape to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Explore the significance of the music choice further. Perhaps include a line that connects the song to John's memories or current emotional state, adding depth to his character.
  • Ensure that the transition into the flashback is smoother. Consider using a visual cue or a moment of reflection that leads naturally into the flashback, maintaining the flow of the narrative.



Scene 11 -  Joyride of Shadows
EXT. NORTH-EASTERN COLORADO - EMPTY HIGHWAY - DAY

The same stretch of lonely highway below, same cloudless
skies above -- THEN -- VROOOM!! -- A late 80s BLACK CAMARO,
hauling ass.

SUPER: NORTHERN COLORADO - 1997


INT. CAMARO - CONTINUOUS

Three young men on a joyride, drinking Olympia Gold cheap-ass
beer.

The driver, DAVE YUN (20, Korean-American) -- has a handsome,
disarming face and gives off this goofy-ass vibe in a good
way. He is a second-generation Korean-American and grew up in
Greeley, the Redneck capital of Colorado, one of three Asian
kids in town.

DAVE
JOHN, chalk me up a fattie, bro.

JOHN JONES (18) sits in the back. Young John is a bit rawer,
dirty, and unkept, and he has mean amber eyes, like a dog’s
eyes when it is raised to fight.

John takes a big bag of crank out of his 90s flannel shirt,
grabs a geode slice off the seat, and starts making lines
like a pro. He SNORTS his first, then hands the geode and a
rolled-up $20 to Dave. Dave accepts, and like a master, he
SNORTS his without taking his foot off the pedal or eyes off
the road.
21


JOHN
Sorry JASPER, didn’t offer you one.
Shit, take the bag.

John tosses the bag to the young man in the passenger seat,
JASPER GNIEWEK (19, Ginger). It’s Chucky!! Not a good-looking
kid, not hygienic -- greasy ass mop-top under a ball cap, a
patchy red beard, and creepy gray eyes.

JOHN (CONT’D)
We have to get to my dad’s. He
wants us to clean for the cartel
heavy-hitter coming tonight.

DAVE
Pedal to the metal bitches!!

JOHN
DAVE. You gonna be good? No twitchy
trigger finger, right?

Dave looks flustered and frustrated by the remark.

DAVE
Dude, that was a long time ago.
Yes. I am good... Shit.

JASPER
Dude, it was 2 weeks ago.

JOHN
I don’t like scrubbing brains off
walls, Dave. It’s fucking nasty.

Dave is visibly upset now. He is defensive about this
subject.

DAVE
Fuck, it was an accident, let it
go. Fuck! I thought he was
reaching for that gun, dude. I
didn’t murder him. I fucked up!

JASPER
What gun? The guy was pulling his
tightie-whities out of his ass
crack bro?

DAVE
Bro, it was his shooting hand; you
know what that means?
22


JASPER
No, dumbass, I don’t know what the
fuck that means. Unless it means he
had an itchy ass crack, then ok,
ya.

Dave’s face is red. Awkward silence. He takes some deep
breaths and approaches the subject from a different angle.

DAVE
You wanna know what really went
down bitches?

Dave is high as a kite and makes things a bit more colorful.
Avoidance, no doubt.

In the most offensive Asian accent.

DAVE (CONT’D)
Soo dis waat rreerry happen. I do
some of dat tastee tastee meth and
I went ninja mode -- nun-chucked
dat drooods aasss.

JOHN
Bro, there were no nun-chucks, just
your 9mm and the dude’s head
exploding like a fucking
watermelon. I have nightmares
fucker.

JASPER
You do? I don’t. Was fuckin’ cool.

DAVE
Ohh yesh dere-werrrr nunna-chuckas.
And me had herrp from -- my friends
-- Mr. Miyagi, Chow Yun Fat, Jackie
muthafuckin Chan and... Jean Claude
Van Damme.

JOHN
Hold on... Jean Claude Van Damme is
not Chinese dumbass, he is French
or somethin’. And you’re not
fucking Chinese either... You’re
Korean, and you know like... 2
Korean words? ... Do they even have
Karate in Korea?

JASPER
That would be Taekwondo John... And
want to point out that Mr. Van
Damme is Belgian.
(MORE)
23
JASPER (CONT’D)
Belgians shave their pits - take
baths... The French are the dirty
people.

Dave and John nod in agreement with Jasper’s know-it-all
assessment. They turn up the music -- Type O Negative.

Dave puts the pedal to the metal and they all rock out 90’s
style. Head-banging and the lost art of air guitar are both
on display in all of their glory.

From the road -- VROOM!! -- the Camaro speeds right by,
kicking up litter in its wake -- it bullets far off in the
distance... We remain while bear cans bounce on the asphalt.
Genres: ["Action","Crime","Comedy"]

Summary On a deserted highway in Northern Colorado in 1997, three young men—Dave, John, and Jasper—embark on a reckless joyride in a black Camaro, drinking beer and using drugs. As they attempt to lighten the mood with humor, the lingering tension from a traumatic shooting incident two weeks prior weighs heavily on them. Dave, the driver, struggles with guilt while John expresses discomfort with the violence, and Jasper provides comic relief. Despite their banter, the unresolved emotional turmoil creates an undercurrent of unease, culminating in a chaotic escape down the highway, leaving behind a trail of bouncing beer cans.
Strengths
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Engaging plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Potential for offensive stereotypes
  • Lack of emotional depth in some moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends humor, action, and character dynamics to create an engaging and entertaining sequence.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of young characters engaging in risky behavior and criminal activities is well-executed, providing a fresh perspective on the crime genre.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around the characters' interactions, conflicts, and the mission to clean up for a cartel member, leading to a humorous and action-packed sequence.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique blend of cultural elements, dark humor, and gritty realism that sets it apart from typical joyride scenes. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, each with distinct personalities and dynamics that drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

The characters show growth and development, particularly in their relationships and attitudes towards their past actions.

Internal Goal: 8

Dave's internal goal in this scene is to defend himself and justify his past actions, reflecting his need for acceptance and understanding from his friends despite his mistakes.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to reach John's dad's place to clean for a cartel heavy-hitter, reflecting the immediate challenge they are facing and the dangerous world they inhabit.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters, their past actions, and the impending mission adds tension and excitement to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints, moral dilemmas, and tension between the characters. Dave's past actions create a barrier to his acceptance by his friends, adding complexity to their relationships.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high due to the characters' involvement in criminal activities and the potential consequences of their actions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new conflicts, showcasing character dynamics, and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting motivations, unexpected twists in dialogue, and dark humor that subverts expectations. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the scene will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' differing views on violence, morality, and cultural stereotypes. Dave's attempt to downplay his violent actions clashes with John and Jasper's reactions, highlighting their conflicting values and beliefs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

While the scene is more focused on humor and action, there are moments of emotional depth, especially in the characters' interactions.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, sarcastic, and showcases the relationships between the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic character interactions, dark humor, and tension-filled dialogue. The conflict and stakes are clear, keeping the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, revealing character dynamics, and maintaining audience interest. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the scene engaging and impactful.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character descriptions, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines enhance the atmosphere and tone of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a character-driven dialogue scene, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and revealing character dynamics.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the carefree and reckless spirit of youth, but it also delves into the darker themes of trauma and guilt, which adds depth to the characters. The dialogue is lively and captures the banter among friends, but it occasionally veers into stereotypes, particularly with Dave's accent and the portrayal of Asian culture. This could alienate some viewers and detract from the authenticity of the characters.
  • The pacing is generally good, with a mix of humor and tension, but the transition from light-hearted banter to the serious topic of the shooting feels abrupt. It might benefit from a smoother segue that allows the characters to process their emotions more organically.
  • Characterization is strong, particularly with John and Dave, but Jasper feels somewhat underdeveloped. While he provides comic relief, giving him a more distinct personality or backstory could enhance the dynamic among the trio and make the scene more engaging.
  • The use of 90s references and music effectively sets the time period and mood, but the dialogue could be tightened to avoid redundancy. For example, the repeated references to the shooting could be streamlined to maintain tension without over-explaining.
  • The visual descriptions are vivid, particularly the imagery of the Camaro speeding down the highway. However, incorporating more sensory details—like the smell of the beer or the feel of the wind—could further immerse the audience in the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising Dave's accent and cultural references to avoid reinforcing stereotypes. Instead, focus on his personality traits and experiences that make him unique.
  • Introduce a more gradual transition into the serious topic of the shooting. Perhaps have the characters reminisce about lighter moments before addressing the trauma, allowing for a more natural flow.
  • Develop Jasper's character further by giving him a unique quirk or backstory that distinguishes him from Dave and John. This could enhance the trio's dynamic and provide more opportunities for humor.
  • Tighten the dialogue by removing repetitive lines about the shooting. Focus on the emotional impact of the event rather than reiterating details, which can help maintain tension.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the scene's atmosphere. Describing the sounds of the Camaro, the taste of the beer, or the feeling of the wind could create a more immersive experience for the audience.



Scene 12 -  Chaos at the Jones Compound
EXT. JONES COMPOUND - DAY

The Camaro speeds down dirt roads toward a 7-foot tall fence,
topped in barbed wire, surrounding a large compound.
Basically, a house, 4-5 mobile homes scattered football
fields apart, rusted-out train cars, and acres of dirt. Oh,
and a big pen where two black bears reside. Tiger-King-style.

The Camaro stops at the front gate. John waves his arm out
the window at a camera posted above.


INT. JONES HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

John’s father, BILL JONES (late 50s), watches his son wave on
a black and white monitor.

OH MY... Bill looks like... shit... A mix between the poor
man’s Tom Cruise and Charlie Manson. He is maybe 5’5” and has
crazy cross-eyes. Though, Bill’s ambiance is neither Cruise
nor Manson-like... it’s DUMBASS-METH-HEAD-PERV.

The boys enter the HOUSE, and John makes a B-line for the
fridge -- grabs three beers, hands one to Jasper, and holds
one out for Dave. Dave ignores - and walks right by -- down
the hall. Dave enters a BEDROOM. On the door is a handwritten
sign -- “DAVE YUN - ADULT PRODUCTIONS” -- Dave is a naughty
boy.

A small room with three twin beds pushed together in the
middle, a COSTUME AREA, lighting, and an EDITING STATION with
a couple of VCRs and TAPES. A bunch of INDUSTRY STANDARD
EQUIPMENT is peppered about the room as well.

Pride exudes from his face. He looks serious and focused.
This is not like some pervs sex den; he put a ton of work
into this. It isn’t just a porn studio to Dave. Looks like he
fancies himself an artist.
24


He picks up items with his bare hands and places them in a
bin. He tidies up the costume area, highlighted by...

- FORREST GUMP’S WHITE SUIT AND SHOOOOES

- MARTY MCFLY’S DENIM JACKET/ORANGE VEST ENSEMBLE

- ARNIE’S LEATHER TERMINATOR OUTFIT

- A MAN AND A WOMAN’S SUIT with ID BADGES that read “XXX-
FILES-AGENT PUSSY” “XXX-FILES-AGENT POUNDER”

-- last is the centerpiece --

- A fucking VELOCIRAPTOR COSTUME, spread eagle with a
wonderful CROTCH-HOLE.

Hold on... Only one dinosaur costume... please, there has to
be at least one more... Nope. Only one. GOOD GOD! BUDGET
ISSUES, I PRAY.

The production area has VHS TAPES with hand-written titles;
The Sperminator, Boink to the Future, The XXX-Files, Forest
Hump, and... FOR FUCK’S SAKE -- Whore-Ass-Lick Park.
There is a lot to unpack here... Take your time... Good... Good...
Where you see problems, I see $$. Done? OK >>ALLONS-FUCKIN’-Y>>

Dave’s CHIHUAHUA runs in to greet him, -- BARK - BARK -- he
picks her up and gives her a kiss.

DAVE
(baby talk voice)
Hey there, my little SPORTY SPICE.
Ohhh, you have been pooping in the
house. Haaahh-vent you? Haaah-vent
you? You sneaky minx.

BILL (O.C.)
Dave, get your ass out here. Got
business. Your Gono-rrheeea den
can wait!

Dave makes his way out to the living room and sees John and
Jasper standing attention. Bill looks ridiculous, with his
back arched like a tiny general. Dave falls in line.

BILL (CONT’D)
Boys... we got a VIP coming. This
man is cartel-connected - can take
3 pounds a month off our hands.
Gotta do some work. First, ...
25


Bill PAUSES || .... REWINDS << a touch... then PLAYS >

Maybe like some neurological issues going on here? He is a
twitchy motherfucker.

BILL (CONT’D)
Firstly, first... we need to clean
our kitchen, want it like...
like... Betty Crocker could bake
cookies in there. Want steel and
glass to shine like a ... like a...
like a... Mermaid’s butthole. Get
it?

Based on the confused looks, they don’t. And the fact Bill
does a creepy fish/duck-hybrid face isn’t helping anybody’s
comprehension here.

Oh yes... Bill definitively has meth-brain. He nailed the
first simile, then... splat... Give him credit for so
bravely jumping into the tenor, eyes closed. If only he could
land the elusive vehicle...

BILL (CONT’D)
First... cause it’s important...
Dave...

|| Blank stare............... --NOW... >
BILL (CONT’D)
Dave... Second, nobody will be
shooting nobody tonight. No killing
anyone. I had to cut the bastard
up with the chainsaw and feed him
to the bears - shit-heel.

Dave nods -- Bill seems satisfied -- Then Dave opens his
fucking mouth.

DAVE
Ya, unless he draws, of course.

JOHN JASPER
He was pulling his undies out The guy had an itchy crack
of his butt dude!! bro! A bad wipe is all.

Bill looks pissed -- he takes three steps toward Dave --
plants his hands on Dave’s shoulders -- creates a wide base
for balance -- swings his leg back then forward, leading with
the knee -- BONE, MEET BALLS -- perfect contact between
Patella and Testicles. It must have felt like a home run off
the bat.
26


Dave falls to the ground, grunting. Bill looks stunned and
points to his kneecap.

BILL
I can still feel both balls on my
knee... That was perfection,
boys... OOOWEEE!!

Dave’s eyes well up with tears, tears of shame. He closes his
eyes...
Genres: ["Comedy","Crime","Drama"]

Summary John arrives at the rundown Jones compound, where his father Bill monitors him via security cameras. Inside, John fetches beers while Dave retreats to his bedroom, a makeshift porn studio. Bill gathers the boys to discuss a VIP client linked to the cartel, stressing the need for cleanliness and forbidding violence. Tensions escalate when Dave makes a joke, prompting Bill to deliver a brutal knee strike to his groin, leaving Dave in pain on the floor. The scene blends dark comedy with discomfort, highlighting the dysfunctional dynamics among the characters.
Strengths
  • Eccentric characters
  • Dark humor
  • Effective dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some confusion in Bill's dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines dark humor with tense moments, creating an engaging and entertaining atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a group of characters involved in criminal activities, including a porn studio, living in a compound sets up an intriguing and unique premise.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around a criminal business deal and the dynamics between the characters, providing both humor and tension.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime genre by blending criminal activities with artistic aspirations, creating a unique and unpredictable narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are eccentric, flawed, and entertaining, adding depth and humor to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

Dave experiences a moment of shame and vulnerability after being reprimanded by Bill, showing a slight character change.

Internal Goal: 8

Dave's internal goal is to prove himself as an artist and not just a pornographer. He wants recognition for his creative efforts and to be seen as more than just a sleazy producer.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to impress his father and handle the business dealings with a cartel-connected VIP. He wants to show his father that he is capable and reliable in their illegal activities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is conflict between the characters, especially between Bill and Dave, adding tension to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and values among the characters that create tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as the characters are involved in criminal activities and face potential consequences.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new criminal business deal and showcasing the dynamics between the characters.

Unpredictability: 9

The scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected character actions and conflicts that challenge the audience's expectations.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between the characters' criminal activities and their desire for artistic recognition. It challenges their moral values and self-perception.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a mix of emotions, including amusement, tension, and a sense of shame.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals the personalities of the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its dark humor, vivid descriptions, and unpredictable character interactions that keep the audience on edge.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is fast-paced and dynamic, reflecting the chaotic and tense nature of the characters' interactions and conflicts.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is unconventional but effective in conveying the tone and atmosphere of the compound and its inhabitants.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure that adds to the chaotic and unpredictable nature of the characters' interactions and conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a chaotic and humorous tone, which aligns well with the overall narrative. The juxtaposition of Dave's adult film aspirations and Bill's erratic behavior creates a vivid and memorable dynamic. However, the humor may come off as excessive or forced in places, particularly with the over-the-top descriptions of the adult film titles and costumes. This could risk alienating some readers who may find it distasteful rather than funny.
  • Bill's character is portrayed as a mix of absurdity and menace, which is intriguing. However, the scene could benefit from more subtlety in his characterization. The exaggerated physical descriptions and behaviors (e.g., 'DUMBASS-METH-HEAD-PERV') might detract from the realism of the character. A more nuanced approach could enhance the tension and make his unpredictability more impactful.
  • The dialogue is lively and captures the characters' personalities well, but it occasionally veers into the realm of the absurd, which may detract from the stakes of the scene. For instance, the simile about the kitchen being clean enough for 'Betty Crocker' to bake cookies is humorous but could be perceived as too silly given the context of a cartel deal. Balancing humor with the seriousness of their situation could strengthen the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven at times. The transition from the humorous setup in the bedroom to the serious cartel business could be smoother. The abrupt shift in tone may confuse the audience about the stakes involved. A more gradual build-up to the cartel discussion could enhance the tension and make the characters' motivations clearer.
  • The physical comedy with Bill's knee strike to Dave is shocking and memorable, but it may overshadow the emotional weight of the moment. While it serves as a comedic climax, it could also be seen as gratuitous violence. Exploring the emotional ramifications of such actions on the characters could add depth to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider toning down some of the more extreme comedic elements, particularly the adult film references, to maintain a balance between humor and the seriousness of the characters' situations. This could help broaden the appeal of the scene.
  • Develop Bill's character with more subtlety. Instead of relying solely on exaggerated descriptions, incorporate small, telling actions or dialogue that reveal his instability and menace without making him a caricature.
  • Refine the dialogue to ensure it serves both the comedic and dramatic elements of the scene. Aim for humor that feels organic to the characters and their circumstances, rather than forced or overly absurd.
  • Work on the pacing by creating smoother transitions between the humorous and serious elements of the scene. This could involve adding more dialogue or actions that bridge the gap between the two tones.
  • Explore the emotional consequences of Bill's violent actions on Dave and the group. This could involve a moment of reflection or dialogue that acknowledges the gravity of the situation, adding depth to the characters and their relationships.



Scene 13 -  Paranoia and Punchlines
INT. SMITH HOUSE - BILL’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

SUPER: 2 WEEKS AGO

Bill and a MAN (50’s) stand having a pleasant conversation.
The man wears a flashy WHITE AND LIGHT BLUE SUIT, circa 1982,
accentuated by one hell of a porn-stache.

Dave stands next to Bill, sweating like Elvis doing a set in
his Karate years. Jasper and John sit five feet away, playing
cards.

Dave’s mind is churning something ferocious --

DAVE: {Can’t hear them-- something about how to brine a
turkey?} -- heartbeat overwhelms all sound -- BUHH-BUMMP!! --
BUHH-BUMP!!... {too fast -- shit, my heart is gonna explode}

Bill and the 80s man laugh. Everyone is relaxed except
Dave.....

Dark circles under Dave’s eyes -- jaw grinding away -- looks
back, like someone behind him. The dude is high AF, sleep-
deprived, dehydrated, you name it.

DAVE: {Can’t see} -- BLURRY -- CLEAR -- BLURRY... (Re: 80s
Man) {He is going for his gun...}

-- NOW -- crystal clear reality -- 80s man moves his hand
toward his behind -- picks and scratches his rear.

DAVE: BLURRY -- CLEAR..., sweat drips over Dave’s field of
view -- {Shit... He is going for a fucking gun -- crazy
fucker -- I knew it -- fucking sneaky mustache...}

Dave’s pupils like pin-dots.

DAVE: SHAKY -- BLURRY -- {IT’S A FUCKING DIRTY HARRY GUN --
How the fuck did that fit in there? -- Oh... evil fucker is
smiling. It’s now or never.}

Dave’s shaky-ass hand reaches for a gun, tucked in his back
waist -- gun fumbles around and... whoopsie...
27


Tracking it -- time slows -- this fucking gun, I shit you
not, it strikes the ground nose first -- awkward double-
bounce, barrel-to-grip -- this flings the crazy thing up and
forward on a trajectory through the gap between Dave’s legs --
gun safety class FAIL!

Dave’s crotch above -- gun rotating on y-axis at a funeral’s
pace -- now entering Dave’s danger zone -- gun ...lingers...
as the barrel points at his nuts -- clears his crotch --
sticks the landing on the carpet, halfway between Dave and
80s man.

Well shit... Everyone looks confused. Nobody interprets this
as hostile. Everyone has a gun somewhere on them -- a mere
faux pax is all.

-- SILENCE -- They all stare at the gun with “What the fuck
just happened?” followed by, “Should I pick it up? Or should
you pick it up? We can’t leave a gun on the fucking floor,
uhhh... what do we do?” non-verbal exchanges. All cordial --
polite.

80’s man takes the initiative.

80’S MAN
(politely)
: It’s OK, son. Let me help you
with that. You could have been
hurt.

80s man approaches Dave to retrieve the gun.

DAVE: A menacing 80s man bends down for the gun -- TUNNEL
VISION -- BLURRY -- THEN -- ADRENALINE RUSH -- INSTANT-
PERFECT-FOCUS -- NOW -- PINNED ON GUN

Dave’s adrenal glands release a meth-assisted-fight-or-flight-
adrenaline-burst (it’s a thing, I swear) -- he swoops in and
beats 80s man to the gun -- like Jackie muthafuckin Chan --
grabs it by the handle -- points gun at 80s man -- thumb
flicks safety -- No need safety was off -- 80s man is still
bent over -- has no clue -- “this is how it happens” never
crosses the poor bastard’s mind.

80s man -- GROAN -- getting back into standing position --
raises his head -- clocks barrel of the gun pointing at him.

80S MAN
You gotta be more caref--
28


-- BANG -- the man’s head explodes -- Brain, blood and bone
cover the wall -- the recoil flings Dave’s arm up like a
pendulum -- gun aimed at the ceiling -- second -- BANG -- a
big fucking hole in the ceiling -- it rains sheet rock chunks
and dust on Bill and Dave’s heads.

Dave stares blankly at the wall. He is in shock and, like the
other four people in the room (including the dead guy), has
no idea what the fuck happened.

BACK TO SCENE - SAME LIVING ROOM

Easing in micro close on the couch, small dried chunks of
skull, blood, hair, and brain adhere to the fabric and
wriggle as a slight breeze passes through the room.

Bill is laughing so hard at Dave that he gets a nasty fit of
smoker’s cough. He bends over and puts his hands on his knees
to catch his breath.

BILL
You will not shoot this man. I
don’t care if he tries to lick your
scrote. You will sit back and get
your berries licked, then ask for a
rim job. Got it?

Dave nods yes from the ground, still in agony. Jasper stands
over Dave now.

JASPER
How bout we get your stupid dog to
lick your balls? You like that
shit, don’t ya? Don’t ya? Nasty
fuckerrrr.

Jasper laughs like a hyena, then kicks things into high gear,
mimicking a dog licking balls. He uncoils and flexes his
muscular, snake-like tongue -- NOW -- SLURP, SLURP --

OH MY... Bill and John approve... by joining in. John thinks
a moment and becomes genuinely inspired, not only licks for
John’s pantomime, noooo... he adds the most vital piece... a
cradle of course. A subtle addition ensuring authenticity.
Though a dog would not cradle of course, but it is irrelevant
at this point. Ummmm... Lord, Yup, Bill, he has no clue. He
jumps while licking, as if the balls were dangling from a
tree? The poster boy for sex injury right here. Ok, they are
done. A total shit show.

Dave slowly gets up.

BILL
Give me your gun.
29


Dave hands him his 9mm - head down in shame.

BILL (CONT’D)
You will be cleaning your sex room;
do not leave that room until I tell
ya. Make sure to burn them ass-
streaked sheets and kill every last
herrrr-peeee!

Dave nods.

BILL (CONT’D)
Needs to be cleaner than my
prick... after...

Bill || and..... >

BILL (CONT’D)
... doin’ a whore.
He starts so strong with these things... it’s a shame. Oh, hang on.
Bill is going to attempt a simile-recovery.

BILL (CONT’D)
A whore... with... crabs. Ya. You
know? Gotta scrub that shit out of
it.

No, we do not know Bill. Please enlighten us.

BILL (CONT’D)
You gotta... You gotta... scrub...
your... shit... out -- those nasty
little fuckers biiiiite.

What the fuh...? Bill starts in like he is at a poetry jam.
Whatever this is, Bill obviously thinks rhyming is overrated.

OH MY! -- Bill grabs his crotch and moves the contents in a
circular motion. OH NO! -- it looks like Bill is gonna take
this to another level -- yup -- fucker just breaks into song -
- a country song...

BILL (CONT’D)
You gotta... You gotta... wash...
that sack... boys -- after layin’
with a nasty wuhuhhman.

Ball-lickin’ time is over, people -- it’s ball-scrubbin’
time. Bill’s body suddenly takes motion, like a
leprechaun on speed -- It looks like a dance from Hee-Haw on
fast-forward. The boys watch... confused -- processing...
AND... A FREESTYLE BREAKS OUT!
30


Yeehaww! They are killin’ it... Cowboy boots a-stompin- --
imaginary lassos a-twirlin’ -- even quick draws of pointer-
finger-guns... one-handed quick draws, of course... Why?

For this number, there seems to be one unspoken rule: “ONE
HAND MUST REMAIN ON BALLS AT ALL TIMES”—everything else is
garnish.

Even Dave is back in play -- doing a phantom ball scrub.

Finally, after ten long seconds, the DANCE OF THE BALLS #2 is
over -- and everyone is a bit better off.
Bill deserves some credit. He taught these boys real-life lessons in
hygiene, using only the power of song and dance. Kinda like a meth-
head-trailer-park Sesame Street would.

BILL (CONT’D)
Now, let’s get to work. This place
needs to be tighter than ah... than
ah... Virgin’s Vah...

The sound fades before Bill finally lands a simile.

END FLASHBACK


END ACT II
31



ACT III
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Crime"]

Summary In a flashback, Dave's anxiety leads him to mistakenly shoot a flashy man in a suit during a tense conversation, causing chaos in Bill's living room. As the group processes the absurdity of the situation, Bill humorously reprimands Dave and the scene shifts to a crude dance about hygiene, blending dark comedy with light-hearted camaraderie.
Strengths
  • Unique blend of genres and tones
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Dynamic character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Potential for tonal inconsistency
  • Overreliance on humor in tense situations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly engaging, with a mix of tension, humor, and unexpected twists that keep the audience on edge and entertained.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a gun mishap leading to a comedic dance sequence is innovative and adds a layer of dark humor to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around a tense situation escalating into a humorous moment, showcasing the characters' dynamics and setting up future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene is highly original in its approach to humor, character interactions, and plot twists. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions to the gun mishap and their subsequent interactions reveal their personalities and relationships, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the dynamics between the characters evolve, setting the stage for future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

Dave's internal goal is to survive the escalating situation and protect himself from perceived threats. This reflects his fear and desperation in the face of danger.

External Goal: 7

Dave's external goal is to navigate the social dynamics and avoid confrontation with the other characters. He wants to maintain his safety and reputation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict arises from the gun mishap and the characters' reactions, leading to a tense and chaotic situation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing escalating threats and challenges. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes come from the potential danger of the gun mishap and the characters' reactions, adding tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting up future plot points.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable due to its unexpected plot twists, absurd humor, and chaotic character interactions. The audience is kept on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the characters' morality and ethics, as they navigate a potentially violent situation with humor and absurdity. This challenges Dave's beliefs about self-preservation and social norms.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from tension and shock to amusement and relief, creating a rollercoaster of feelings for the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is a mix of tension-filled exchanges and comedic moments, enhancing the scene's tone and keeping the audience engaged.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dark humor, absurd situations, and unpredictable plot developments. The characters' interactions and dialogue keep the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is fast-paced and dynamic, with quick dialogue exchanges and escalating tension. It keeps the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is unconventional but effective in conveying the chaotic and comedic tone. It enhances the unique voice of the writer.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure with flashbacks and comedic elements that deviate from traditional storytelling formats. It adds to the unpredictability and humor of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the chaotic and absurd nature of the characters' lives, particularly through the use of humor and exaggerated situations. However, the humor often veers into the realm of the grotesque, which may alienate some viewers. Balancing the absurdity with moments of genuine emotion or character development could enhance the overall impact.
  • The dialogue is filled with crude humor, which fits the tone but may come off as excessive or gratuitous. While the comedic elements are entertaining, they can overshadow the underlying tension and conflict, particularly Dave's anxiety and paranoia. Finding a way to integrate humor without losing sight of character motivations could strengthen the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene is frenetic, which aligns with Dave's mental state, but it may also confuse the audience. The rapid shifts between clarity and blur in Dave's perception could be visually represented more effectively, perhaps through camera techniques or editing choices that emphasize his disorientation.
  • The transition from the flashback to the present is abrupt and could benefit from a smoother integration. The scene ends with a comedic note, but it might be more impactful to leave the audience with a lingering sense of tension or unease, reflecting the consequences of the chaotic events that just unfolded.
  • While the scene is rich in visual and auditory details, some descriptions could be streamlined for clarity. For instance, the excessive focus on Dave's physical state could be condensed to maintain the scene's momentum without losing the essence of his anxiety.
Suggestions
  • Consider incorporating moments of vulnerability for Dave amidst the chaos to deepen his character and make his paranoia more relatable. This could involve a brief internal monologue or a conversation with another character that reveals his fears.
  • Experiment with the structure of the dialogue to create a more dynamic interplay between characters. For example, allowing other characters to react more to Dave's anxiety could heighten the tension and create a more engaging atmosphere.
  • Utilize visual storytelling techniques, such as close-ups or shaky camera work, to convey Dave's disorientation more effectively. This could help the audience feel his anxiety and confusion without relying solely on dialogue.
  • Revisit the ending of the scene to create a more impactful transition back to the present. Consider leaving the audience with a haunting image or sound that echoes the chaos of the flashback, reinforcing the consequences of the characters' actions.
  • Trim some of the more excessive comedic elements to maintain a balance between humor and the serious undertones of the scene. This could involve refining the dialogue to keep the humor sharp without overwhelming the narrative.



Scene 14 -  Mission Briefing in the Garage
INT. KEMP’S GARAGE - DAY

Kemp and Nin enter the garage.

KEMP
Any progress Zaz?

ZAZ
Yes, I found him. Exit node was
compromised. The layman's version
is, I tickled its front bits and
snuck in its back bits. CIA had no
chance, shite hackers they are.

KEMP
You are a miracle worker, my old
friend. Who is he?

ZAZ
Not the type for sure. Single dad
lost his wife to cancer 3 years ago
and has a teenage daughter. Poor
guy has his hands full. But... he
is rich, like Elon Musk rich. All
off the books.

KEMP
Oh... Ok then. Explains the CIA.
He musta dipped his Johnson in
somebody’s porridge: name and
location.

ZAZ
John Jones lives in Fort Collins,
Colorado. It looks like we are
headed to the States, boys! Vegas
is about a 30-minute flight from
Denver. I wanna to put it out
there.

KEMP
After we get paid Zaz. Calling CIA
blokes now. Alright, lads, gear
up. We got a plane to catch.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Crime"]

Summary In Kemp's garage, he and Nin meet Zaz, who reveals he has tracked down their target, John Jones, a wealthy single father in Fort Collins, Colorado. Zaz's hacking skills prove invaluable as he shares details about Jones, prompting Kemp to instruct the team to prepare for their flight to Las Vegas. The scene blends urgency with camaraderie, highlighting the team's need to act quickly before the CIA intervenes.
Strengths
  • Engaging plot
  • Dynamic characters
  • Sharp dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Some cliched elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends action, humor, and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and setting up a compelling mission.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an undercover operation to capture a terrorist with the help of advanced technology and a skilled team is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot is fast-paced and engaging, with a clear objective and obstacles to overcome, driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the spy genre by focusing on the technical aspects of hacking and surveillance. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and realistic, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are distinct and have their own motivations and dynamics, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

There are subtle shifts in the characters' dynamics and motivations, but no significant changes occur during this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Kemp's internal goal in this scene is to successfully track down a target and prepare for a mission. This reflects his desire to prove his skills and loyalty to his team.

External Goal: 9

Kemp's external goal is to locate and capture John Jones, the target of their mission. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in their operation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the team and the terrorist, as well as internal tensions, creates a sense of urgency and danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with obstacles and challenges that test the characters' skills and resolve. The audience is left wondering how the characters will overcome these challenges and achieve their goals.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with the mission involving the capture of a dangerous terrorist and potential threats to innocent lives.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new mission, establishing the team dynamics, and setting up the next phase of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' plans and the introduction of new challenges. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the mission will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the morality of their actions and the consequences of their mission. Kemp and his team must grapple with the ethical implications of their work and the impact it has on innocent people.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

While there are moments of humor and camaraderie, the emotional impact is not the primary focus of the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals the relationships between the characters, enhancing the overall tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, intriguing plot developments, and high stakes. The audience is drawn into the characters' world and invested in their mission.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and exposition that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions. This enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a spy thriller, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The dialogue in this scene is engaging and has a good mix of humor and exposition, which helps to establish the characters' personalities and their relationships. However, some of the humor, particularly Zaz's lines, may come off as overly quirky or forced, which could detract from the seriousness of the situation. The phrase 'tickled its front bits and snuck in its back bits' feels out of place and could be rephrased for clarity and impact.
  • The scene effectively sets up the next plot point by introducing John Jones and his background, which adds depth to the character and raises stakes for the upcoming mission. However, the transition from Zaz's technical jargon to Kemp's more straightforward dialogue could be smoother. The contrast in their speech patterns is interesting but may confuse the audience if not handled carefully.
  • Kemp's character is established as a leader who is both pragmatic and somewhat humorous, but the line 'he musta dipped his Johnson in somebody’s porridge' could be seen as crass and may not resonate well with all audiences. It might be beneficial to find a balance between humor and professionalism, especially given the serious context of their mission.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but it could benefit from a bit more tension or urgency, especially since they are preparing for a mission. Adding a sense of time pressure or stakes could enhance the scene's impact and keep the audience engaged.
  • The setting of the garage is not fully utilized in this scene. Describing the environment more vividly could help ground the characters and provide visual cues that reflect their personalities and the tone of the story. For example, mentioning tools, weapons, or personal items in the garage could add layers to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider rephrasing Zaz's humorous lines to maintain the comedic tone while ensuring they fit the context better. Aim for humor that feels organic to the characters and the situation.
  • Smooth out the dialogue transitions between Zaz and Kemp to maintain clarity and flow. This could involve adding a brief reaction from Kemp to Zaz's technical jargon before he responds.
  • Evaluate the appropriateness of Kemp's humor and consider alternatives that maintain his character's edge without alienating the audience. Aim for humor that reflects the gravity of their situation.
  • Introduce a sense of urgency or stakes in the scene to heighten tension. This could be done through dialogue that hints at potential consequences if they fail or delays in their plans.
  • Enhance the description of the garage setting to create a more immersive experience. Include details about the tools, weapons, or personal items that reflect the characters' backgrounds and the tone of the story.



Scene 15 -  Airport Antics and Flirtations
INT. KEMP’S HOUSE - DAY

No time to waste, they prepare for the trip.
32


- TRAVEL MONTAGE TIME!!

MUSIC CUE: Thoughts for a travel montage tune?? Hmmm, what’s got the
highest Synch Fee? Dude!! Googled it, AC/DC “Thunderstruck” - $500,000.
Shit... OK, maybe it’s me, solo, killin’ it on my old Casio keyboard
for this one. John-Carpenter-style. WE GO CHEAP; FINE BUT.....

- NO FUCKING MAP-WITH-TOY-AIRPLANE DEVICE NONSENSE.

HMMMM... I got it! Let’s... try... this -->

MUSIC CUE: Virginia Plain by Roxy Music. HAAAA

RAPID FIRE:

-- Luggage -- Crack, ZIP, ZIP, ZIP --

-- Sad looks as Kemp and Nin return all guns and knives to
the storage box -- BLUMMP, CLICK, CLICK --

-- Nintendo Switch with original Metroid packed - Kemp and
Nin smile.

-- House door -- SLAM --

-- A cab ride. Car door -- SLAM --

-- Arrive at Heathrow

-- On their phones in the security line. Kemp plays Candy-
Crush

-- Nin sets off the security body scanner. The airport police
officer points to a screen -- a red square blinks on Nin’s
crotch

-- officer frisks him

-- Nin winks and smiles at an attractive WOMAN while
gesturing toward the red crotch square

-- She smiles

NIN
(whispers to woman)
Happens every time.

-- Plane takes off -- HEEEHHHHEEWWW --

-- All three sleeping like babies on the plane. Zaz’s head on
Nin’s shoulder.
33


-- Nin exits the airplane bathroom, followed by the woman
from the security line. Her hair is messy. Nin sits down,
lipstick all over his neck.

-- Wheels hit the ground -- BUMP -- BUMP -- FROHHHHHH-
SHHHHHHE -- SQUEEEELL ...

-- They un-board the plane...
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Adventure","Comedy"]

Summary Kemp and Nin prepare for their trip with a lively montage of packing and playful moments. At the airport, Nin humorously sets off a security alarm, leading to a charming interaction with an attractive woman. The scene blends light-hearted comedy with hints of romance as they navigate through security and eventually share a suggestive moment after exiting the airplane bathroom, setting the stage for their upcoming adventure.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Camaraderie between characters
  • Dynamic travel montage
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development
  • Limited conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the upcoming mission with a mix of action, humor, and camaraderie among the characters. The travel montage adds a fun and dynamic element, engaging the audience and setting the tone for the adventure ahead.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of preparing for a mission and embarking on a road trip is well-executed, blending action, humor, and camaraderie effectively. The travel montage adds a unique and engaging element to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the characters preparing for a mission and embarking on a road trip, setting the stage for the upcoming adventure. The scene effectively introduces the mission and the characters' dynamics.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique situations like the characters' interactions with airport security and the use of music cues for a travel montage. The dialogue and actions feel authentic and humorous, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and interactions that showcase their camaraderie and humor. Each character's role in the team is highlighted, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 5

While there are no significant character changes in the scene, the interactions and dynamics between the characters evolve, showcasing their camaraderie and teamwork. Each character's role in the team is highlighted, setting the stage for potential growth in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of humor and ease despite the challenges of travel and security checks. This reflects their desire to stay calm and collected in stressful situations.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to successfully navigate through airport security and board the plane for their trip. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in the travel process.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is some tension and conflict in the scene, particularly in the interactions between the characters, the overall tone is light-hearted and focused on camaraderie. The conflict serves to add depth to the characters' relationships.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the challenges of airport security and the characters' interactions with authority figures. The audience is unsure of how the characters will navigate these obstacles.

High Stakes: 7

While the stakes are not explicitly high in this scene, the mission and the characters' preparations hint at potential danger and challenges ahead. The camaraderie and teamwork displayed by the characters emphasize the importance of their mission.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing the upcoming mission, showcasing the characters' preparations, and setting the tone for the adventure ahead. The travel montage adds a dynamic element to the scene, engaging the audience and building anticipation for what's to come.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions between the characters and the humorous twists in the travel process. The audience is kept on their toes wondering what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict evident in the scene between the characters' nonchalant attitude towards security checks and the seriousness of airport procedures. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about authority and rules.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, primarily through the camaraderie and interactions between the characters. The light-hearted tone and humor add to the emotional engagement of the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and humorous, reflecting the characters' personalities and relationships. The banter and interactions between the characters add depth and entertainment value to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, humor, and unique character interactions. The audience is drawn into the characters' journey and the challenges they face during travel.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in conveying the urgency and excitement of travel. The rapid-fire dialogue and action descriptions keep the scene moving at a quick pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with distinct action lines and dialogue cues. It adheres to the expected format for a screenplay in this genre.

Structure: 7

The scene follows a typical structure for a travel montage, with preparations, airport security, and boarding the plane. The formatting and pacing are effective in conveying the fast-paced nature of travel.


Critique
  • The travel montage is a fun and energetic way to convey the characters' preparation for their trip, but it lacks a clear emotional arc or stakes. While the humor and rapid-fire visuals are engaging, the scene could benefit from a deeper exploration of the characters' feelings about the mission ahead, especially considering the violent and chaotic events they've just experienced.
  • The dialogue, particularly Nin's interaction with the woman at the airport, feels a bit forced and relies heavily on a cliché. While humor is essential, it should feel organic to the characters and the situation. The wink and the line about the 'red crotch square' could be reworked to feel more natural and less like a scripted joke.
  • The montage format is effective for pacing, but it could be enhanced by incorporating more varied visual styles or transitions to keep the audience engaged. For instance, using different camera angles or editing techniques could add a dynamic quality to the sequence.
  • The choice of music is crucial in a montage, and while 'Virginia Plain' by Roxy Music is a great track, the scene could benefit from a more cohesive musical theme that reflects the characters' personalities or the tone of the film. The mention of using a Casio keyboard adds a humorous touch, but it might distract from the overall flow if not executed well.
  • The scene ends abruptly with the characters unboarding the plane. A more impactful conclusion could tie back to the overarching narrative or hint at the challenges they will face in the next scenes. This could be achieved through a brief moment of reflection or a foreshadowing element.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate a moment of reflection for Kemp and Nin during the montage, perhaps showing their apprehension or excitement about the mission, which would add depth to their characters.
  • Rework Nin's interaction with the woman to feel more authentic. Consider giving him a more relatable line that reflects his personality rather than relying on a cliché.
  • Experiment with different editing styles or visual effects during the montage to maintain viewer interest and enhance the comedic elements.
  • Consider using a consistent musical theme that resonates with the characters' journey, possibly incorporating elements that reflect their personalities or the film's tone.
  • Add a closing moment to the scene that hints at the upcoming challenges or sets the tone for the next part of the story, creating a smoother transition.



Scene 16 -  Whimsical Wonders of Denver Airport
INT. DENVER INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - DAY

Our three crazy blokes walk through DIA, clocking all the
weird shit. There is some bizarre shit at DIA.

-- CREEPY GARGOYLE SCULPTURES

-- ALIEN SKULL ENCASED IN GLASS

-- APOCALYPTIC MURALS WITH NAZI-ZOMBIE-LOOKING DUDES HOLDING
SUBMACHINE GUNS.

-- Clock - RENTAL CAR - signs.

END BADASS TRAVEL MONTAGE AND NONSENSICAL MUSIC CUE
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Comedy"]

Summary In a lighthearted travel montage, three friends explore the eccentricities of Denver International Airport, marveling at creepy gargoyle sculptures, an alien skull in glass, and apocalyptic murals featuring Nazi-zombie figures. Their camaraderie shines as they humorously react to the bizarre sights, creating a whimsical atmosphere that highlights the airport's surreal decor before transitioning to the next part of their journey.
Strengths
  • Unique setting
  • Blend of genres
  • Intriguing visuals
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more impactful
  • Emotional depth could be enhanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends different genres and tones, keeping the audience engaged with its mix of action, humor, and suspense.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, involving a group of characters arriving at a strange airport with mysterious elements, is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene moves forward with the characters arriving at the airport and encountering strange sights, setting up further developments.

Originality: 9

This scene is highly original in its depiction of a surreal and bizarre airport environment. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and unique, adding to the overall sense of strangeness and mystery.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show distinct personalities and dynamics, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character change in the scene, with more focus on establishing personalities and dynamics.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate through the strange and unsettling environment of the airport while maintaining their composure and sanity. This reflects their deeper need for control and stability in the face of chaos.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find their rental car and continue on their journey. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing in the unfamiliar airport environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, particularly in the tension between the characters and the strange environment.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the protagonist facing obstacles and challenges that are difficult to overcome, adding to the sense of unpredictability and tension.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderately high, with the characters facing unknown dangers and challenges at the airport.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new elements and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the strange and surreal elements present in the airport, as well as the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' journey.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between the protagonist's normal perception of reality and the surreal, otherworldly elements present in the airport. This challenges their beliefs and worldview, forcing them to question what is real and what is not.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, from tension to amusement, but could deepen the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue serves to establish character relationships and move the plot forward, but could be more impactful.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its unique and surreal elements, as well as the witty dialogue and fast-paced action that keeps the audience on their toes.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of tension and suspense, while also allowing for moments of humor and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively setting up the tone and atmosphere of the story.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the bizarre atmosphere of Denver International Airport, which is known for its unique art and architecture. However, the descriptions of the visuals could be more vivid and engaging. Instead of simply listing the oddities, consider incorporating the characters' reactions to these sights to enhance the comedic tone and provide insight into their personalities.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one feels abrupt. While the travel montage is a common trope, it might benefit from a smoother segue that connects the excitement of landing to the exploration of the airport. Adding a brief moment of dialogue or a shared joke among the characters as they disembark could create a more cohesive flow.
  • The use of 'nonsensical music cue' is vague and lacks specificity. Music can significantly influence the tone of a scene, so consider specifying a particular genre or song that aligns with the absurdity of the visuals. This could enhance the comedic effect and set the mood more effectively.
  • The scene lacks character development or interaction. While the visuals are interesting, the absence of dialogue or character dynamics makes it feel flat. Incorporating witty banter or reactions from the characters as they encounter the bizarre elements would add depth and humor, making the scene more engaging.
  • The list format of the bizarre sights could be restructured into a more narrative style. Instead of bullet points, consider weaving these elements into a flowing description that captures the characters' journey through the airport, allowing for a more immersive experience.
Suggestions
  • Add character reactions to the bizarre sights to enhance humor and provide insight into their personalities. For example, one character could express disbelief while another makes a sarcastic comment.
  • Create a smoother transition from the previous scene by including a brief moment of dialogue or a shared joke among the characters as they leave the plane, establishing continuity.
  • Specify the type of music playing during the montage to better set the tone. Consider using a quirky or upbeat track that complements the absurdity of the visuals.
  • Incorporate dialogue or interactions among the characters as they explore the airport. This could include playful banter or humorous observations about the sights, adding depth to the scene.
  • Restructure the description of the bizarre sights into a narrative format, allowing for a more immersive experience. For example, describe the characters walking past the gargoyle sculptures and reacting to them in real-time.



Scene 17 -  Ambush in the Shadows
INT. DIA - PARKING GARAGE - CONTINUOUS

A dark underground parking garage.

NIN
What car you get? A luxury vehicle?
A Tesla?

KEMP
You know we haven’t been paid yet,
right? This is all on my ackers
son. And a tiny Tesla? No...

Kemp takes out the keys and presses the button -- HONK --. A
shitty old DODGE CARAVAN lights up. A MAN, sporting blacked-
out sunglasses, is chillin’ by the Minivan. Possibly CIA?

Kemp waves as they get within 40 meters -- BUT -- something
alerts him, other than the fucking sunglasses. In his
periphery -- clocks -- a man’s hand, exposed from behind a
concrete pillar. He turns the other way and spots another
person hiding terribly.

KEMP (CONT’D)
(smiles and whispers)
Slow down, these ent friends.
34


NIN
These? As in more than one? I see
the one bloke. Do they all have
sunglasses on?

KEMP
Don’t mooch... at least two more.
It’s a perfect trap. Our lot here,
fresh off the plane, no weapons.
Question is... Do we leg it? or do
we scrap boys?

ZAZ
You know me, I love some good
ballistic therapy.

KEMP
Scrap it is. Stay close, follow my
lead.

Kemp stops to tie his shoes. Zaz starts to do the same --

KEMP (CONT’D)
(whispers angrily)
Stop, ya saft fucka. Why don’t we
all tie our fuckin shoes together
now? That don’t look suspicious.

ZAZ
You said to follow your lead. The
sunglasses are more suspicious than
tyin’ shoes, they are.

Kemp removes a sharp plastic blade sewn into his shoe and
stands up with a huge fake smile. He yells out to Corey Hart
dude...

KEMP
Alright, you. You the tossa?

No answer.

KEMP (CONT’D)
(louder)
The tossa; are you the tossa?

Getting closer, only 15 meters...

MAN
(American accent. Way
confused)
Uhhh... sure. I’m a Tossa... uhhhh

5 meters..,
35


KEMP
Let me show you something, Tossa.

1 meter... Kemp gestures for Zaz and Nin to find cover --
SUDDENLY -- Kemp pounces like a lion -- Four quick thrusts to
the groin -- severs femoral artery -- a barrage of kidney
shivs -- renal artery opened -- BLOOD... This dude is primal -
All with a 5-centimeter plastic blade. Absurd stuff...

Gently takes the dying man to the ground.

KEMP (CONT’D)
Well... looks like your days of
tossin’ off the ol’ knob are over.

Kemp takes the man’s gun as shots come in from both sides. A
man pokes his head out from behind a pillar -- Kemp clocks
him -- shoots him dead. He looks like he could be chewing
gum and blowing a bubble while getting that impossible shot
off.

NIN
One more, I think. That way. Want
me to draw him out?

KEMP
Sure, these guys are shit shots.

Nin takes off, faster than Ben Johnson on Stanazol -- WHOOSH -
The man takes the bait, steps out to fire, and -- BANG --
Kemp beats him to it.

KEMP (CONT’D)
(to the dying man)
Who the fuck are you? Not CIA,
that’s for sure.

The man takes off his sunglasses, revealing green glowing
eyes.

KEMP (CONT’D)
Why find the drug dealer? To draw
us out? Better ways to do that, you
know.

MAN
You know why. Two birds, one
stone...

Kemp doesn’t understand.

KEMP
What?... Who is your boss?
36


MAN
HANBI sends his condolences.

He dies.

ZAZ
What did he say?

KEMP
Nothing. Nonsense is all.

ZAZ
He said Hanbi, didn’t he? Bwci-
bo...

KEMP
He’s half-soaked, Zaz, and probably
some cult is worshipping him. He
always had more power in death than
in life.

ZAZ
You are right. But hearing his
name...

Zaz is emotional about this subject.

ZAZ (CONT’D)
Ok.. Focus time. Fuck him, dead
fucka. Spit on his grave, I did.

Something grabs Zaz’s attention.

ZAZ (CONT’D)
What do we have here?

Zaz inspects the dead man’s oversized handgun - it has some
weird tech on the barrel.

ZAZ (CONT’D)
A Umbra Buster, it is. Dirty
pool.. coc oens.

Nin is checking the other two dead guys. Identical to the
others. He takes their guns. They jump in the Caravan and
speed off.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Crime"]

Summary In a dark underground parking garage, Kemp, Nin, and Zaz find themselves ambushed by armed men. Kemp showcases his combat skills, killing attackers with a plastic blade and a gun. As one of the dying men utters the name 'Hanbi', Zaz expresses concern over its implications. After looting the attackers' weapons, the trio escapes in their Dodge Caravan, leaving behind the chaos.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Some cliched elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-executed with a good balance of action, humor, and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a surprise attack in an underground parking garage adds tension and excitement to the scene, setting the stage for a thrilling confrontation.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the revelation of a new antagonist and the introduction of a mysterious organization, adding depth to the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements like the Umbra Buster and the mysterious organization behind the attackers. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the gritty and unpredictable nature of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters display their combat skills, humor, and resourcefulness, adding layers to their personalities and enhancing the scene's dynamics.

Character Changes: 6

The characters demonstrate their combat skills and quick thinking, showcasing their ability to adapt to unexpected situations.

Internal Goal: 8

Kemp's internal goal in this scene is to protect himself and his team from the unknown threat posed by the men in the parking garage. This reflects his desire for survival and his instinct to take charge in dangerous situations.

External Goal: 7

Kemp's external goal is to eliminate the immediate threat posed by the men in the parking garage and to gather information about their motives and affiliations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the main characters and the unknown assailants creates a tense and suspenseful atmosphere, driving the action forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the attackers posing a significant threat to Kemp and his team. The uncertainty of the attackers' motives and capabilities adds to the tension and suspense of the scene.

High Stakes: 9

The high-stakes confrontation in the underground parking garage raises the tension and danger for the main characters, adding urgency to their mission.

Story Forward: 8

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new antagonist and setting up future conflicts and plot developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden twists, unexpected character actions, and the introduction of new elements like the Umbra Buster. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of power and control. The mention of Hanbi and the mysterious motives of the attackers suggest a deeper conflict between different factions vying for power and influence.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

While the scene is more focused on action and suspense, there are moments of emotional intensity, especially in Zaz's reaction to a familiar name.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals important information about the characters and the unfolding plot.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, suspenseful atmosphere, and unexpected twists. The characters' interactions and the escalating tension keep the audience hooked and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action sequences, dialogue exchanges, and character moments. The rhythm of the scene builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged from start to finish.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and action descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format for its genre, with clear action beats, dialogue exchanges, and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes tension and urgency as Kemp, Nin, and Zaz find themselves ambushed. However, the dialogue can feel a bit forced at times, particularly with Kemp's overly casual tone in a life-threatening situation. This could detract from the gravity of the moment.
  • The humor interspersed throughout the scene, while characteristic of the characters, sometimes undermines the tension. For instance, Kemp's quips about the dying man and the absurdity of using a plastic blade can come off as jarring when juxtaposed with the violence. Balancing humor with the stakes of the situation is crucial.
  • The action sequences are vivid and engaging, but the transition from dialogue to action could be smoother. For example, Kemp's sudden attack feels abrupt and could benefit from a more gradual build-up to enhance the suspense.
  • The introduction of the character with glowing green eyes is intriguing, but it lacks sufficient context. The audience may be left confused about the significance of this detail. Providing a brief hint or foreshadowing earlier in the script could enhance the impact of this reveal.
  • The mention of 'Hanbi' introduces an interesting plot point, but the characters' reactions to it feel somewhat underdeveloped. Zaz's emotional response could be expanded to provide more depth to his character and the stakes involved. This would also help the audience understand the significance of Hanbi more clearly.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising Kemp's dialogue to reflect a more serious tone during the ambush. This could help maintain the tension and make the stakes feel more real.
  • Try to find a better balance between humor and tension. Perhaps use humor more sparingly or in a way that feels organic to the situation, rather than as a reaction to violence.
  • Enhance the action sequence by building up to Kemp's attack. This could involve more descriptive language that heightens the suspense before he strikes.
  • Provide more context for the glowing green eyes and the significance of the character's identity. This could be done through earlier hints or a brief exposition that ties into the larger narrative.
  • Deepen Zaz's emotional reaction to the mention of Hanbi. This could involve a flashback or a brief explanation of his history with Hanbi, which would enrich the narrative and clarify the stakes for the audience.



Scene 18 -  Clones and Conspiracies
INT. CARAVAN - CONTINUOUS

Kemp drives. Nin and Zaz go through a trunk of weapons in the
back.
37


KEMP
Did they miss anything? Wasn’t
cheap getting it delivered like
this.

NIN
Looks good to me, more than enough
to take out those weasels.

ZAZ
Umbra Busters... Jesus, haven’t
seen one in a long time.

Nin takes a round out of the obnoxiously bulky Umbra-Buster.
The bullet has a glowing tip.

ZAZ (CONT’D)
The nano is delivered on the
bullet, see? It’s lights out
forever if we hit with this filthy
little shite.

NIN
What the fuck were those things?
Not human, not SYNDICATE and they
don’t strike me as Demis.

ZAZ
All three were identical. Unless
somebody had triplets, they ent
Demis.

KEMP
Somebody is fuckin’ with DNA again.

ZAZ
Clones... More failed experiments.
Empty, mindless, uninhabitable
flesh is what you get. Rudimentary
clones can’t be vessels. We proved
this over and over again. Umbra
needs an imprint, a consciousness,
a frame of reference. Clones are a
blank slate. Our original clone
stock had each of our quantum
consciousnesses imprinted into it.

KEMP
Don’t have the tech for that
anymore. Do we? That bastard Hanbi
blew it all to shit.
38


NIN
Why do humans work as vessels and
clones don’t?

ZAZ
Humans come with a quantum
consciousness. It acts as a totem
for the umbra to coalesce into
reality. A clone is born with
nothing, no soul, no spark... It’s
like tryin to inhabit a cucumber.

After a moment of quiet, something clicks for Kemp.

KEMP
Two birds, one stone, he said. They
brought us here to draw him out.
Somebody is making a play, and they
don’t want anybody impeding their
goal. They want us all off the
field, him too.

NIN
Draw who out?

KEMP
ZAZ get John Jones on the phone
now. It’s him.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Sci-Fi"]

Summary Inside a caravan after a tense encounter, Kemp drives while Nin and Zaz sift through a trunk of weapons, including the powerful Umbra Busters. They speculate that their recent enemies are clones, lacking the consciousness to be effective. Zaz elaborates on the limitations of clones, prompting Kemp to realize that their foes are trying to draw out John Jones. The scene ends with Kemp instructing Zaz to contact Jones, signaling a shift in their strategy.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Technical details
  • High-stakes conflict
  • Intriguing concept
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Character development could be enhanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, filled with suspense and technical details that add depth to the plot. The introduction of Umbra and the discussion on cloning and consciousness raise intriguing questions and set the stage for future developments.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of genetic manipulation, cloning, and consciousness transfer is a unique and intriguing element that adds depth to the story. The introduction of Umbra as a mysterious organization with advanced technology enhances the complexity of the plot.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens with the revelation of a conspiracy involving John Jones and the main characters. The scene sets up a high-stakes conflict and raises questions about the true motives of the characters involved.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique concepts like quantum consciousness and nano bullets, while exploring familiar themes of identity and technology in a fresh and engaging way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the overall originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show depth and expertise in their respective fields, especially in the technical discussions about genetic manipulation and consciousness transfer. However, more development in terms of personal motivations and relationships could enhance the overall character dynamics.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the revelation of the conspiracy involving John Jones sets the stage for potential character development and moral dilemmas in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand the nature of the enemies they are facing and the implications of the technology they are using. This reflects their deeper need for knowledge and understanding in order to navigate the dangerous world they inhabit.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to contact John Jones and warn him about the danger they are facing. This reflects the immediate challenge of protecting themselves and their allies from the unknown threat.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with tension and conflict, both in terms of the physical confrontation with the attackers and the underlying conspiracy involving John Jones. The high-stakes nature of the situation keeps the audience engaged and eager to learn more.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing unknown enemies and complex philosophical questions that challenge their beliefs and motivations. The audience is left unsure of how the characters will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with the characters facing a dangerous adversary and uncovering a conspiracy that could have far-reaching consequences. The tension and conflict add to the sense of urgency and danger.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing the Umbra organization, raising questions about cloning and consciousness transfer, and revealing a conspiracy involving John Jones. The plot thickens, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces new information and twists that challenge the characters' beliefs and motivations, keeping the audience on edge and eager to see what happens next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the nature of consciousness and identity, as the characters discuss the differences between humans and clones. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about what it means to be alive and conscious.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The emotional impact is somewhat subdued in this scene, focusing more on technical discussions and the revelation of a conspiracy. However, the tension and suspense contribute to a sense of unease and anticipation.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is technical, informative, and engaging, providing crucial information about the plot and the characters' expertise. The discussions on cloning, consciousness, and the Umbra organization add depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines intense action with deep philosophical discussions, creating a sense of mystery and intrigue that keeps the audience invested in the characters and their mission.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a balance of action and dialogue that keeps the story moving forward at a brisk pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions that enhance the readability and flow of the screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution that drive the narrative forward and maintain the tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The dialogue effectively conveys the urgency and tension of the situation, but it could benefit from more distinct character voices. Each character's speech patterns and vocabulary should reflect their unique backgrounds and personalities more clearly.
  • The exposition regarding the Umbra Busters and the nature of the clones is informative but feels somewhat heavy-handed. It might be more engaging if this information were revealed through action or conflict rather than a straightforward explanation.
  • The scene lacks a strong emotional anchor. While the characters discuss the implications of their enemies being clones, there is little emotional reaction to this revelation. Adding a moment of fear, anger, or determination could heighten the stakes and deepen character development.
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven. The initial dialogue flows well, but the transition to the revelation about John Jones feels abrupt. A smoother transition or a moment of reflection could enhance the narrative flow.
  • The visual elements of the scene are underutilized. Describing the trunk of weapons in more detail or the characters' physical reactions to the situation could create a more immersive experience for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider giving each character a unique way of speaking or specific phrases they use regularly to differentiate their voices and make them more memorable.
  • Instead of a lengthy exposition about the clones, try to weave this information into the dialogue more organically, perhaps through a heated debate or a moment of realization during a tense situation.
  • Incorporate emotional reactions to the clone revelation. For example, show Kemp's frustration or fear about the implications of their enemies being clones, which could add depth to his character.
  • Smooth out the transition to the revelation about John Jones by including a moment of silence or a visual cue that emphasizes the gravity of the situation before Kemp makes the call.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions of the weapons and the characters' actions. For instance, describe the weight of the Umbra Buster in Nin's hands or the way the light reflects off the glowing bullet to create a more vivid scene.



Scene 19 -  Echoes of the Past
EXT. FORMER JONES COMPOUND - DAY

John drives on a familiar dirt road in his Porsche Cheyenne,
parks, steps out, removes his sick-ass Ray-Ban Aviators, and
looks out at the compound under the blue Colorado sky.

Only pieces of the old fence remain, rusted, lying in the
dirt. The meth lab and the house have burnt down. Only dirt
and ruins remain.

BEGIN FLASHBACK


EXT. JONES COMPOUND - EVENING

A big fenced-over pen, inside - 2 black bears sleep. About
30 meters beyond, John and Jasper walk toward a sizeable
MOBILE HOME.

To the west, the sun is beginning its daily descent.

John pulls out his bag of meth and opens the door --
REVEALING -- One big ass METH LAB inside.
39
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Crime"]

Summary John visits the desolate former Jones compound, reflecting on its decay and his connection to its history. The scene shifts to a flashback where he and Jasper discover a meth lab inside a mobile home near a fenced area with sleeping bears, highlighting John's involvement in illicit activities. The emotional tone is somber as John confronts the remnants of his past, with the stark contrast between the ruined compound and the vibrant Colorado sky underscoring his feelings of regret and nostalgia.
Strengths
  • Effective use of flashback
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Establishing key plot points
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more engaging
  • Character development could be more pronounced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up a dark and intense tone while introducing key plot points and character dynamics. The use of flashback adds depth to the story and increases the tension.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring a former compound tied to drug trafficking and family drama is intriguing and sets the stage for further developments in the plot.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of the compound and the characters' past actions, setting the stage for future conflicts and revelations.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the aftermath of criminal activities, with a focus on redemption and closure. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' interactions and dynamics are well-established, especially through the use of flashback, showcasing their past actions and relationships.

Character Changes: 6

While there are hints of character development, particularly through the flashback, more significant changes could enhance the scene's impact.

Internal Goal: 8

John's internal goal in this scene is likely to confront his past and come to terms with the destruction of the compound. It reflects his deeper need for closure, his fear of facing the consequences of his actions, and his desire to move on from his criminal past.

External Goal: 7

John's external goal in this scene is to investigate the destruction of the compound and possibly find closure. It reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with the aftermath of his criminal activities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict is palpable, both in the present situation at the compound and through the flashback, where past actions lead to tension and potential consequences.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the destruction of the compound and the presence of black bears adding to the conflict and uncertainty. The audience is unsure of how John will navigate these obstacles.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident in the characters' past actions, the current situation at the compound, and the potential consequences of their choices, adding urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing key plot points, conflicts, and character dynamics that will shape future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as the burnt-down compound and the presence of black bears. The audience is left wondering about John's past and his future.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene could be between John's past criminal actions and his desire for redemption. It challenges his beliefs about right and wrong, and his values regarding his criminal past.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and anticipation, drawing the audience into the characters' world and setting the stage for emotional revelations.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue serves the purpose of conveying information and setting the tone, but could be more dynamic and engaging to enhance the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it draws the reader in with its vivid descriptions and mysterious atmosphere. The tension and conflict keep the audience hooked.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, leading to a satisfying resolution. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in John's journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and action lines. The dialogue is formatted correctly and adds to the overall flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of nostalgia and loss as John reflects on the former Jones compound. However, the transition into the flashback could be smoother. The abrupt shift from the present to the past may confuse the audience, as it lacks a clear narrative bridge.
  • The description of the compound's desolation is vivid, but it could benefit from more emotional depth. Adding John's internal thoughts or feelings about the destruction could enhance the audience's connection to his character and the significance of the location.
  • The flashback introduces a new setting with the bears and the mobile home, but it feels somewhat disconnected from the previous scene's tension. The bears could symbolize something about John's past or his current state of mind, but this potential is not explored.
  • The dialogue is minimal in this scene, which can work well for establishing mood, but it might be beneficial to include some internal monologue or a brief exchange between John and Jasper to provide context and deepen their relationship.
  • The visual elements are strong, particularly the imagery of the burnt-down meth lab and the sleeping bears. However, the scene could be enhanced by incorporating more sensory details, such as sounds or smells, to immerse the audience further into the environment.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line of internal monologue for John as he surveys the ruins, reflecting on what the compound meant to him and how it relates to his current situation.
  • Introduce a smoother transition into the flashback by using a visual cue or a specific trigger (like a sound or a memory) that prompts John's recollection, making the shift feel more organic.
  • Explore the symbolism of the sleeping bears further. Perhaps John has a moment of contemplation about their presence, drawing a parallel between their slumber and his own past choices.
  • Incorporate a brief dialogue exchange between John and Jasper in the flashback to establish their camaraderie and provide context for their actions, enhancing character development.
  • Add more sensory details to the scene, such as the smell of burnt wood or the sound of the wind, to create a more immersive experience for the audience.



Scene 20 -  Meth Lab Mayhem
INT. JONES METH-LAB - CONTINUOUS

This is an elaborate lab, more than you would expect from
Bill. It is not terribly dirty, a tad messy is all.

JOHN
Let’s... fuckin... clean!

MUSIC CUE: “Last Cup of Sorrow” by Faith No More
Another trailer here...Money is no obstacle, folks... THINK
FRANCHISE!! THINK VELOCIRAPTOR COSTUMES WITH CROTCH HOLES -- $99.99

QUICK CUTS:

-- John snorting meth

-- Jasper snorting meth

-- John sweeping

-- Jasper wiping down tables

-- John polishing steel tanks and condensers

-- Jasper organizing tools. Taking time to stop and examine
sharp things.

-- John cleaning glassware

-- John snorting meth

-- Jasper snorting meth

-- Jasper mooning John, possibly farting

-- John punching Jasper in the shoulder - hard

-- Jasper tonguing a Pamela Anderson poster, then plowing his
phantom Johnson to crescendo, flinging imaginary... Yup.

-- John using a toothbrush to clean stainless steel

-- Jasper aggressively licks, humps, and chokes various
pieces of equipment

-- Both admiring their work... Proud looks.

END MUSIC CUE
40
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a chaotic meth lab, John and Jasper embark on a frenzied cleaning spree fueled by meth. Alternating between cleaning tasks and reckless antics, they snort meth, moon each other, and engage in playful roughhousing, all while music amplifies the absurdity. The scene captures their carefree attitude as they mix cleaning with outrageous behavior, culminating in a moment of pride over their chaotic efforts.
Strengths
  • Unique setting
  • Character dynamics
  • Blend of dark and humorous tones
Weaknesses
  • Some scenes may be too graphic or intense for sensitive viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances dark and humorous tones while providing insight into the characters' dynamics and setting up potential conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring a meth lab and the characters' interactions within it is engaging and adds depth to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as the characters engage in various activities in the meth lab, hinting at potential conflicts and character motivations.

Originality: 9

The scene displays a high level of originality through its fresh approach to depicting drug use and cleanliness in a comedic and surreal manner. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and unexpected.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' personalities shine through their actions and interactions, showcasing their dynamics and potential development.

Character Changes: 6

The characters' interactions and actions in the meth lab hint at potential changes in their dynamics and motivations, setting up future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and order in the chaotic environment of the meth-lab. This reflects his need for structure and cleanliness amidst the drug-fueled activities.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to ensure the meth-lab is running smoothly and efficiently. This reflects the immediate challenge of balancing drug production and cleanliness.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The tension between the characters, especially John and Jasper, adds a layer of conflict to the scene, hinting at potential confrontations.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing challenges and conflicts that add tension and uncertainty to the narrative.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes of criminal activities and potential conflicts within the meth lab add tension and suspense to the scene, raising the stakes for the characters.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements, potential conflicts, and character motivations, setting the stage for future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and dialogue of the characters, creating a sense of suspense and surprise for the audience.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the juxtaposition of drug use and cleanliness. The characters' actions challenge traditional values of hygiene and order.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a mix of neutral and amused emotions, with moments of pride and humor adding depth to the characters' interactions.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is a mix of humor and seriousness, reflecting the characters' personalities and the unique setting of the meth lab.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, quirky characters, and dark humor that keep the audience entertained and intrigued.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and dynamic rhythm that keeps the audience engaged and entertained.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue cues that enhance readability.

Structure: 7

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear progression of actions and dialogue that build tension and humor.


Critique
  • The scene captures a chaotic and frenetic energy that aligns well with the characters' drug-fueled state. However, the humor derived from their reckless behavior may come off as excessive or juvenile, potentially alienating some viewers. The balance between comedy and the serious implications of drug use could be better managed.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works for the chaotic atmosphere, but it might benefit from some witty exchanges or banter that could further develop the characters' personalities and their relationship. This would also help to break up the visual chaos and provide moments of levity.
  • The quick cuts effectively convey the frenetic pace of the scene, but they may also lead to confusion if not executed with clarity. Ensuring that each action is distinct and contributes to the overall narrative will help maintain viewer engagement.
  • The references to 'franchise' and 'Velociraptor costumes' feel out of place and may detract from the scene's tone. While absurdity can work, it should feel organic to the characters and their situation. This could be reworked to better fit the context of the meth lab and the characters' mindset.
  • The visual descriptions are vivid, but they could be enhanced by incorporating more sensory details, such as the sounds of the lab, the smell of chemicals, or the tactile sensations of the equipment. This would create a more immersive experience for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding brief moments of dialogue that showcase the characters' camaraderie and humor, which could provide depth and make their reckless behavior more relatable.
  • Reevaluate the absurd references to ensure they align with the scene's tone and the characters' motivations. If humor is the goal, it should feel natural and not forced.
  • Experiment with pacing by varying the length of cuts and incorporating longer shots that allow the audience to absorb the chaos before moving on to the next action. This can create a more dynamic rhythm.
  • Incorporate sensory details to enhance the atmosphere of the meth lab, making it feel more alive and engaging for the audience.
  • Consider the implications of the characters' drug use and how it affects their actions. This could be an opportunity to explore deeper themes or consequences, adding layers to the scene.



Scene 21 -  Business Under the Colorado Sunset
EXT. FRONT OF JONES COMPOUND - CONTINUOUS

Nearing dusk. Bill stands waiting for their visitor. John and
Jasper approach. Car lights -- a silver Mercedes Benz kicks
up dust. John runs to the gate -- lets the Mercedes through.

THOMAS MAXWELL (50s-white) exits the vehicle. He doesn’t look
like a cartel-connected meth distributor. He resembles Mr.
Rodgers with a beer gut. As harmless as they come. Except his
eyes. Those dark eyes have seen things, no doubt.

BILL
Mr. Maxwell, how is Colorado
treatin’ ya?

TOM
It is a beautiful state; I love it.
I would live here if the wife
didn’t love the beach.

In the foreground, Dave walks out of the house with a
transparent trash bag clearly full of used condoms -- tosses
them in a bin. Tom takes notice.

BILL
Do you mind if I call you Thomas?

TOM
Call me Tom.

BILL
Ok, Tom. Would you like a drink?
Beer, whiskey... Tab-Cola? We can
go in the house and chat.

TOM
I do not mean to be rude, but I am
all business, Bill. Nothing
personal. I would prefer we do the
tour and negotiate.

BILL
I like a man who doesn’t slow jerk
the pony. First, I am going to have
my boy pat you down real quick.

The statement amuses Tom. His eyes say, “Oh, he is that kinda
guy.”

TOM
Full disclosure. I have a .38
holstered in my jacket. Concealed
carry not a crime out here.
41


They chuckle.

BILL
Thank you, not a problem.

John gives a thumbs up.

JOHN
No wire.

BILL
You can keep the gun, sir, everyone
here is packin’, and I like a fair
fight. Well, let’s not stand here
dicks ah danglin’.

Bill sways his hips while dangling his arm between his legs.

He gestures toward a golf cart -- They drive toward a
backdrop of the dark orange Colorado sunset and white-tipped
peaks of the Front Range mountains.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Bill welcomes Thomas Maxwell, who arrives in a silver Mercedes, and they engage in light-hearted banter before addressing serious business matters. Bill humorously suggests a pat-down, leading to Tom revealing his concealed weapon, which adds a layer of tension. As they navigate their negotiation amidst the picturesque Colorado sunset, the atmosphere remains friendly yet charged, culminating in their decision to continue discussions in a golf cart.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Complex characters
  • Tension and intrigue
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Some cliched elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up a tense negotiation between Bill and Tom while incorporating elements of humor and showcasing the characters' personalities. The dialogue and interactions keep the audience engaged and curious about the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a negotiation between seemingly ordinary individuals with hidden criminal connections adds depth to the scene. The introduction of Tom as a cartel-connected figure contrasts with his harmless appearance, creating intrigue and setting the stage for potential conflict.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the negotiation between Bill and Tom unfolds, revealing underlying tensions and potential conflicts. The scene sets up future developments and hints at the characters' motivations and backgrounds.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces familiar themes of crime and negotiation but adds a fresh twist with the unexpected appearance and behavior of Thomas Maxwell. The dialogue feels authentic and helps to establish the characters' personalities.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, particularly Bill and Tom, are well-developed and showcase distinct personalities. Their interactions and dialogue reveal layers of complexity and hint at hidden agendas, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

The scene hints at potential character developments and changes, particularly in how the characters navigate the negotiation and reveal hidden aspects of their personalities.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to establish trust and negotiate with Thomas Maxwell, a potential business partner. This reflects the protagonist's desire to maintain control and ensure the success of their illegal operations.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to secure a business deal with Thomas Maxwell and potentially expand their drug distribution network. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of negotiating with a new partner and expanding their operations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene introduces underlying tensions and potential conflicts, particularly between Bill and Tom, setting the stage for future confrontations and power struggles.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, but not overwhelming to the point of overshadowing the negotiation.

High Stakes: 7

The negotiation between Bill and Tom carries high stakes due to their criminal connections and hidden agendas. The scene hints at potential consequences and conflicts that could impact the characters and the overall story.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by setting up future conflicts, revealing character motivations, and hinting at larger plot developments. It advances the narrative while maintaining audience interest.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected behavior of Thomas Maxwell and the shifting power dynamics between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's willingness to engage in illegal activities and their code of conduct. Thomas Maxwell's appearance and demeanor challenge the protagonist's assumptions about who they can trust in their line of work.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

While the scene focuses more on tension and intrigue than emotional depth, there are hints of underlying emotions and motivations that add complexity to the characters and their interactions.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging, with a mix of humor, tension, and professionalism. It effectively conveys the characters' personalities and motivations while driving the negotiation forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mix of tension, humor, and character dynamics. The dialogue and actions keep the audience invested in the outcome of the negotiation.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of dialogue and action to maintain tension and keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, making it easy to read and understand.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup, conflict, and resolution, fitting the expected format for a crime drama genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a contrast between the seemingly harmless appearance of Tom and the underlying tension of the drug trade. This juxtaposition is intriguing and sets the stage for potential conflict.
  • The dialogue is engaging and has a natural flow, particularly the banter between Bill and Tom. However, some lines, like 'I like a man who doesn’t slow jerk the pony,' may come off as overly colloquial or forced, which could detract from the seriousness of the situation.
  • The visual imagery of the Colorado sunset and the mountains provides a beautiful backdrop that contrasts with the darker themes of the narrative. However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere, such as sounds or smells that evoke the setting.
  • The introduction of Dave with the trash bag full of used condoms adds a humorous touch, but it may also distract from the main focus of the scene. This could be streamlined or integrated more seamlessly into the dialogue to maintain the scene's momentum.
  • The pacing feels slightly uneven; while the initial exchange is lively, the transition to the golf cart ride could be smoother. Consider adding a brief moment of tension or a hint of danger before they move to the cart to maintain engagement.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the dialogue to ensure that every line serves a purpose, either in character development or plot advancement. Remove or rephrase any lines that feel out of place or overly casual.
  • Enhance the sensory details in the scene to create a more immersive experience for the audience. Describe the sounds of the environment, the feel of the air, or the visual details of the setting more vividly.
  • Integrate Dave's humorous moment more fluidly into the scene. Perhaps have him make a joke about the trash bag that ties back to the conversation, keeping the focus on the negotiation while still allowing for humor.
  • Smooth out the transition to the golf cart ride by adding a moment of tension or foreshadowing that hints at the darker undertones of their meeting, which could help maintain the audience's interest.
  • Consider exploring Tom's character further through subtle cues in his body language or expressions, which could add depth and intrigue to his seemingly benign demeanor.



Scene 22 -  Laughs at the Lab Entrance
EXT. MOBILE HOME/METH-LAB ENTRANCE - CONTINUOUS

They arrive at the lab.

BILL
...and Florida is the only place
you can find two one-legged
hookers, my friend. Gators...

Bill uses both index fingers hopping to signify the number 2
here. He gets a case of the cross-eyes from looking at his
fingers up close and shakes his head vigorously to relieve
the malady.

BILL (CONT’D)
That’s the trip I got John Boy his
first hooker. She had two. Legs,
that is. Tits too.

John nods proudly. The look on his face is priceless like he
won a trophy or something.

Tom has been quiet; you can almost see him processing the
situation. He seems amused, but he takes on this overly
sarcastic persona. He patronizes the fuck out of these
assholes, and they don’t even get it.

TOM
Well, that was an incredible story,
Bill.
(MORE)
42
TOM (CONT’D)
I’m sure the rest involves copious
amounts of Penicillin, but we must
push on a friend. The lab, I
presume...

Tom pats Bill on the back. They all head into the lab.
Genres: ["Crime","Comedy","Action"]

Summary At the entrance of a mobile home functioning as a meth lab, Bill entertains John with a humorous and exaggerated story about his trip to Florida, featuring two one-legged hookers. John reacts with pride, enjoying the tale, while Tom adopts a sarcastic tone, mocking Bill's story and urging the group to focus on their mission. The scene captures the comedic tension between Bill's lightheartedness and Tom's cynicism, set against the backdrop of a dark orange Colorado sunset, as they prepare to enter the lab.
Strengths
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Unique setting
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Potential for confusion in chaotic scenes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends different genres and tones, creating an engaging and entertaining atmosphere with strong character dynamics and humorous dialogue.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring a meth lab with a mix of humor and chaos is unique and engaging, providing insight into the characters' personalities and relationships.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as the characters interact in the meth lab, revealing more about their past experiences and setting up potential conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its portrayal of criminal activities and the moral dilemmas faced by the protagonist. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions are unpredictable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and showcase distinct personalities, adding depth to the scene and driving the humor and dynamics between them.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character change within the scene, but it sets up potential developments and conflicts for future events.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his composure and not get caught up in the criminal activities of his companions. This reflects his deeper need for self-preservation and moral integrity.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather information or evidence related to the criminal activities happening in the lab. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating a dangerous environment and potentially dangerous people.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict present in the scene, primarily stemming from the characters' past experiences and potential tensions within the group.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing moral dilemmas and dangerous situations. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate in the scene, with potential conflicts and tensions arising from the characters' past experiences and interactions within the meth lab setting.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new elements, setting up conflicts, and providing insight into the characters' backgrounds.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' actions and dialogue. The shifting dynamics between the characters add an element of suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Tom's moral values and the criminal behavior of his companions. It challenges his beliefs about right and wrong, and forces him to confront his own sense of ethics.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a moderate emotional impact through humor and character interactions, providing insight into the characters' personalities and relationships.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, sarcastic, and humorous, enhancing the character interactions and contributing to the overall tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its sharp dialogue, dark humor, and tense atmosphere. The characters' interactions and the unfolding plot keep the audience hooked.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged, and advancing the plot at a steady pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions are vivid and engaging.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm are effective in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses humor to establish character dynamics, particularly through Bill's exaggerated storytelling and Tom's sarcastic responses. However, the humor may come off as forced or overly reliant on crude jokes, which could alienate some viewers. Balancing humor with more nuanced character interactions could enhance the scene's depth.
  • Bill's character is portrayed as jovial and somewhat oblivious, while Tom's sarcasm adds a layer of tension. However, the contrast between their personalities could be more pronounced. Tom's patronizing tone could be developed further to highlight his superiority complex, making the audience more aware of the power dynamics at play.
  • The dialogue is lively but could benefit from more subtext. While Bill's story is amusing, it doesn't significantly advance the plot or character development. Consider incorporating dialogue that reveals more about their motivations or the stakes of their mission, which would create a stronger connection to the overarching narrative.
  • The visual elements, such as Bill's physical comedy with his fingers, add a comedic touch, but they may distract from the scene's purpose. While humor is important, ensuring that visual gags serve the story rather than detract from it is crucial. The focus should remain on the characters' interactions and the impending mission.
  • The transition into the lab feels abrupt. A more gradual build-up to entering the meth lab could heighten tension and anticipation. Consider adding a moment of hesitation or a brief exchange that underscores the gravity of their situation before they step into the lab.
Suggestions
  • Introduce a moment where Tom's sarcasm leads to a realization or a shift in Bill's demeanor, showcasing how Tom's perspective challenges Bill's joviality.
  • Incorporate dialogue that hints at the dangers of their mission or the consequences of their actions, providing a more serious undertone to balance the humor.
  • Consider adding a visual cue or a line of dialogue that foreshadows the chaos that will ensue in the lab, creating a sense of foreboding as they approach.
  • Explore the possibility of having John react more critically to Bill's story, which could serve to highlight the contrast between their characters and add depth to John's perspective.
  • Enhance the physicality of the scene by having Tom's sarcasm provoke a more pronounced reaction from Bill, perhaps leading to a humorous yet revealing exchange that deepens their relationship.



Scene 23 -  Chaos in the Meth Lab
INT. METH LAB - CONTINUOUS

Shiny polished metal everywhere.

BILL
Look around. It’s glorious... like
a... like... oiled-up booty-rama.
Ya. Shiny. Yehhhs?

Bill grinds his hips on a big stainless steel tank while he
makes creepy eye contact with Tom.

TOM
Steel can be shiny, yes.

BILL
(Re: steel tank)
Fucking shiny, smooth bottom here,
huh? Can make 4 pounds a cook with
this baby. The best in the West.
Most wanted meth for five states...
in every direction.
(arms open wide. Re: to
the lab)
Nobody puts baby... in the... in
the... corner... and... nobody
fucks her but me! And John-Boy.

Tom cringes. Based on Tom’s reaction, it is not clear whether
he has seen Dirty Dancing or not. Probably not.

TOM
John-Boy can cook, too!

BILL
John, can you cook?

JOHN
I cook good shit, sir. Hells yeah!!

Again, that awkward look of winning a trophy mixed with
approval seeking. John is not well-adjusted at all.

BILL
Second best cook in the West,
taught him when he was 12.
43


TOM
Wonderful to hear. I love your
enthusiasm, son. And Bill... you
must be so proud. A chip off the
old block here.

Tom is way over the top. He grins ear to ear and shadowboxes
John as if he is 10 years old or something.

TOM (CONT’D)
I have no doubt you cook excellent
meth, young man.

Tom seems to be impersonating a 1950s TV show dad -- No shit -
- He acts like a complete douchebag, and these guys don’t
catch on. Tom walks off and explores the lab.

BILL
(to Tom)
Go ahead, take a look around.

Tom does not react; he is going to do whatever the fuck he
wants; he doesn’t ask for permission.

He clocks -- a BOX CUTTER.

TOM
(whispers to himself)
Bingo.

Bill somehow hears this. Tweaker hearing.

BILL
Fuckin A! BINGO, that’s what this
all is. One big fuckin Bingo. A
Blahhhhhck-ouhht... Some of them
Bingo ladies too...

Whisper-yells with hand visor over mouth now...

BILL (CONT’D)
Desperate for the D-I-C-K.

Tom has his back turned, still checking out his surroundings.

TOM
(In a “I don’t give a
fuck” tone)
Oh my... How great is that?
Spelling it out too...
Thank...you...Bill.
44


Tom picks up the box cutter - puts it in his shirt pocket. He
unbuttons his holster, oh so casual. Clocks -- a CASSETTE
TAPE PLAYER and a STACK OF CASSETTES.

TOM (CONT’D)
Do you guys mind if I put on some
music here?

JOHN
Go ahead, man; it’s mostly my
stuff. Newer stuff. Don’t know if
you --

Bill cuts John off with a nudge and a stink eye -- mouths,
“Shut the fuck up.” Tom chuckles.

TOM
It’s fine son, I am much much older
than you think.

Tom sifts through the tapes, and one gets his attention.
Written in pen on the copied tape is “DANZIG - GODZ KILL”
followed by a shitty drawing of a skull.

TOM (CONT’D)
Glenn Danzig you beautiful demon
bastard.

JASPER
Fuckin-A... Danzig is my dark lord.

Tom laughs and plays the tape.

MUSIC CUE: “How the Gods Kill” by Danzig

The song opens ever gently in the background. “Ohhhh... Hohh
Wahh Whohh Whohh-ohhh....”

TOM
Well, gentlemen, I am genuinely
impressed by your lab. Smaller, far
superior to the ones I oversaw in
Iraq.

That statement sounds sincere.

BILL
No shit? I did not know that. Them
diaper heads cook meth in the
fucking desert? Shiiiiihhht. I bet
it paid for Suudaamm’s chemical
bombs.

Tom’s tone is now sharp and academic.
45


TOM
Wow, Bill. You get an A+... Yes...
Amphetamines and opium funded the
regime. In fact, I worked for
Hussein, running logistics. Ohhh
Saddam...

He pauses a moment, then takes on this fascinated tone.

TOM (CONT’D)
Not your average psychopath, oh no.
A megalomaniac... Rare breed.
This is silly, but I make lists.
It’s a game my brother and I
played. I keep a list of the ten
best and worst people I have met.
Saddam is number 5 on my worst
list. I have met so many people;
making any list is impressive.

BILL
We kicked his ass, though. Scud
missiles went scuh-daddle.

Tom ignores the dumbass comment.

TOM
Do you know Saddam ordered a Quran
be made, written in his own blood?
No shit. Some poor kid, maybe 20,
was chosen because he had good
handwriting.

Let’s out a quick “what the fuck” laugh.

TOM (CONT’D)
This kid slaves away, dipping his
pen in a coffee mug of Saddam's
blood day and night for a week. He
got 10 pages done, maybe. Saddam
looks it over, shakes his head,
walks to the kitchen, and returns
with a paring knife. Without saying
one word, Saddam slits the kid’s
throat.

Tom’s fascinated tone transforms into a sadistic one; he
becomes a bit scary.

TOM (CONT’D)
I am watching all of this...
stunned... Saddam’s hands are
dripping with blood. He walks back
to the table, picks up an apple...
(MORE)
46
TOM (CONT’D)
bites into it
(mimics biting an apple)
blood all over his mouth... Like
nothing happened. The man is a
animal.
(chuckles)
Then he says to me... “We can put
my blood in a print press; there is
no need to write it.” I nodded as
he laughed as blood ran down his
chin.

Danzig gets louder and clearer without any human
intervention... “Would you let it gohh ohhh...”

TOM (CONT’D)
After that, he dropped the whole
Quran thing and moved on to his
next project. Do you want to guess
what that was?

JASPER
Uhh, Uhhh, killing people. Lots of
um. Ya.

TOM
No, Jasper. That was his job. A
project is something you do in your
free time. Anyway, get this: The
guy decides to write a novel. Guess
what kind?

JOHN
Like, a war novel, ya? Where, like,
he beats America?

TOM
Good guess but no. He wrote a
Romance Novel, yup, and the thing
became a bestseller in Irag. They
make a fucking TV movie on it, A 20-
part musical shitshow. Iraqi TV is
strange. Ok, enough reminiscing.
It’s time we begin.

Tom’s eyes begin to sparkle luminescent green. Bill, John,
and Jasper stare into them -- hypnotized -- All three nod
with flat affect.

-- NOW -- like a fucking Danzig concert from the first row in
hell -- a wall of beautiful sound travels through the room --
“They cannot end this mourrrrning, of my liiife, Show-me...
how the gaaahhhds kiiilll...” The guitar becomes a Banshee
as she screeches her warning of impending doom.
47


BILL
Who are you?

TOM
Who am I? The answer is
complicated. I have been many I’s.
But it’s the wrong question, Bill.
The right question would be... What
am I?

Tom’s voice is not human anymore; it shakes the walls of the
trailer. His face starts vibrating -- blurry... Tom is the
bogeyman.

TOM (CONT’D)
(Re: to “What am I?)
To some, I am a source of
salvation; to others, I may be a
reminder of lost wisdom. Bill, in
this moment, I am death. Aren’t you
listening to the music, Bill?
Danzig is singing to you, shit-
face.

Tom focuses his hypnotic stare on only John now. Locks eyes.

TOM (CONT’D)
John, there is still a chance for
you to be redeemed. Stay calm, boy,
and keep eye contact.

Bill and Jasper come out of their trances -- Bill lunges
toward Tom -- THEN -- like-a-fucking-demon-ninja -- Tom pulls
the box cutter from his pocket with his right hand --
simultaneously pulls his .38 with his left hand -- One quick
blurry motion -- SLICE -- Bill’s carotid opens, spewing hot
blood -- BANG -- A bullet enters Jasper’s skull, perfectly
placed between his eyes -- Blade meets flesh and the bullet
meets bone at the exact same moment -- Tom’s eyes never
unlock with John’s.

Bill falls to the ground, grabs his neck -- bleeds out --
Jasper dies immediately. Less than one second of violence and
two men are dead.

Tom slowly approaches John -- THEN -- he turns the gun on
himself -- BANG -- and ends his own life.

A GREEN GHOST-LIKE ENTITY exits Tom’s lifeless body and
enters John.

A green aura surrounds John. His eyes open wide, luminescing
green for a moment before changing to cobalt-black.
48


John returns to the cassette player -- CLICK -- SILENCE

END MUSIC CUE

John hears a voice in his head.

VOICE
Don’t worry John, you are still
here. Think of what you would have
become, and think of what you will
become. Now, WE HAVE WORK TO DO.

Footsteps outside -- John draws his gun -- Dave bursts
through the door with a shotgun but immediately drops it when
he sees the three dead bodies.

DAVE
What the fuck!! Jesus fucking
Christ man. They are dead. Fuck...

Dave looks at Bill’s dead body

DAVE (CONT’D)
You dumb motherfucker. You shoulda
let me keep my goddamn gun...

John points the gun at Dave -- BUT -- Dave cries, looking
over Bill’s body. John now seems intrigued by Dave. Lowers
gun.

JOHN
I don’t know what happened. One
minute the guy is cool, then he
shoots Jasper in the head. And Bill
... My dad.
(correcting himself)
My dad... tries to jump him, and he
pulls this box cutter. They
struggle and I can’t get a shot...
then blood... I shot him.

DAVE
Shit man. I am sorry, dude. What
the fuck? The dude sounded chill.

JOHN
Not chill, Dave... Not chill at
all.

John studies Dave, then grins. Maybe this god found
something. A pet project, possibly?

JOHN (CONT’D)
I am going to need your help.
49


DAVE
Ya, Jefe, whatever you need.

JOHN
We are going to need the CHAINSAW
and the BEARS.

END FLASHBACK


END ACT III
50



ACT IV
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama","Action"]

Summary In a meth lab, Bill boasts about the equipment while Tom shares a disturbing story, revealing his sinister nature. The tension escalates as Tom violently attacks Bill and Jasper, killing them with a box cutter and a gun before taking his own life. John witnesses the horror and becomes the vessel for Tom's spirit, just as Dave arrives to find the shocking aftermath.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Character development
  • Unexpected twist
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Dark themes
  • Complex plot twists

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a mix of tension, humor, and shocking moments that keep the audience on the edge of their seats. The dialogue is sharp and impactful, adding depth to the characters and the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a violent confrontation in a meth lab, involving complex characters and a sudden twist, is executed with skill and creativity. The scene effectively blends elements of crime, thriller, and drama genres.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around a sudden and violent confrontation in a meth lab, leading to unexpected character developments and a significant twist. The pacing is intense, keeping the audience engaged throughout.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its fresh approach to familiar themes of crime and violence. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative, making it stand out from typical crime dramas.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are well-developed and undergo significant changes, especially John, who experiences a transformative moment. The interactions between the characters add depth and tension to the unfolding events.

Character Changes: 9

The scene features significant character changes, especially for John, who undergoes a transformative moment that alters his trajectory in the story. The sudden twist and violent actions lead to emotional and psychological shifts in the characters.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain control and assert dominance in the situation, showcasing his power and authority over the other characters. This reflects his need for validation and respect in a dangerous environment.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to secure his position of power and eliminate any threats to his authority. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining control in a volatile situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving physical confrontation, emotional tension, and moral dilemmas. The sudden twist and violent actions raise the stakes and keep the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult choices and moral dilemmas that challenge their beliefs and values.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with characters facing life-threatening situations, moral dilemmas, and unexpected betrayals. The violent confrontation and sudden twist raise the stakes and add urgency to the unfolding events.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing a major plot twist, revealing new character dynamics, and setting up future conflicts. The sudden turn of events propels the narrative in a new direction.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of its sudden shifts in tone, unexpected character actions, and shocking moments of violence that subvert audience expectations.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of power, violence, and morality. The protagonist's actions challenge traditional notions of right and wrong, blurring the lines between hero and villain.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a high emotional impact due to the shocking events, character transformations, and intense dialogue. The audience is likely to feel a range of emotions, including tension, surprise, and empathy.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, impactful, and contributes to the overall intensity and depth of the characters. It effectively conveys the emotions and motivations of the characters, enhancing the dramatic tension.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its unpredictable twists, dark humor, and intense action sequences that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of conflict and a climactic resolution that leaves a lasting impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, dialogue formatting, and action lines that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, building tension and suspense through a series of escalating conflicts and revelations.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a darkly comedic tone through Bill's absurd and inappropriate comments, juxtaposed with Tom's unsettling demeanor. However, the humor may come off as excessive and could risk alienating the audience if not balanced properly with the darker elements.
  • Tom's character is intriguing, but his transition from a seemingly jovial figure to a menacing presence could be more gradual. The shift feels abrupt, which may confuse the audience about his true nature. A more subtle build-up to his sinister side could enhance the tension.
  • The dialogue is rich with character, but it sometimes veers into excessive exposition, particularly with Tom's backstory about Saddam Hussein. While it adds depth to his character, it could be streamlined to maintain pacing and keep the audience engaged.
  • The visual descriptions are vivid, particularly the shiny metal of the lab, which contrasts well with the dark themes. However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details beyond sight and sound, such as smells or textures, to immerse the audience further.
  • The climax of the scene, where Tom kills Bill and Jasper, is shocking and impactful, but it may feel rushed. More buildup to this moment, perhaps through escalating tension or foreshadowing, could enhance its emotional weight and surprise.
  • The supernatural element of the green entity entering John is intriguing but feels somewhat disconnected from the preceding events. A clearer connection between Tom's actions and the supernatural outcome could strengthen the narrative flow.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the humor to ensure it complements the darker themes without overwhelming them. Aim for a balance that allows for comedic moments while maintaining the tension of the scene.
  • Introduce Tom's sinister nature gradually, perhaps through subtle hints in his dialogue or body language before the violent climax. This will create a more cohesive character arc.
  • Streamline Tom's exposition about Saddam Hussein to maintain pacing. Focus on key details that reveal his character without losing the audience's attention.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere of the meth lab. Describing smells, sounds, or even the feel of the polished metal could create a more immersive experience.
  • Build up to the violent climax with increased tension. Consider adding moments of hesitation or conflict between the characters that lead to the sudden violence, making it more impactful.
  • Clarify the connection between Tom's actions and the supernatural entity entering John. This could involve foreshadowing or thematic links that tie the violence to the supernatural elements more cohesively.



Scene 24 -  Reflections of the Past
EXT. OLD JONES COMPOUND - DAY

John stares out at the wreckage of his old life, making peace
with the vessel he has resided in for the last 28 years.

JOHN
(out load)
John, do you miss any of this?

REAL JOHN
(voice in head)
No... That night, you said “Think
of what I might become” I am
pretty happy with what I became. I
got to see the world, the universe
in ways nobody ever has. Thank you.
But why me?

JOHN
I keep Dave around for the same
reason. You two were in the worst
situation—brave, pure souls
surrounded by wolves, with no way
out. I pave new paths for those
souls. It’s been a pleasure having
you with me, John. You are a part
of me now.

John walks toward the house. Pulls a 9mm out and enters.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Action"]

Summary In a contemplative moment at the Old Jones Compound, John engages in a reflective dialogue with the voice of his former self, Real John. They discuss John's journey, his past decisions, and the bond they share. As John expresses gratitude for his experiences, he grapples with reconciling his past with his present. The scene culminates in John pulling out a 9mm gun, symbolizing a pivotal transition as he prepares to confront the future.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Shocking twist
  • Supernatural elements
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension, delivers a shocking twist, and leaves a lasting impact on the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a character reflecting on their life while facing a violent confrontation and supernatural intervention is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot unfolds with a mix of reflection, violence, and supernatural elements, keeping the audience engaged and surprised.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on post-apocalyptic themes by focusing on internal struggles and redemption. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed and their interactions add depth to the scene, although some could have been further explored.

Character Changes: 7

At least one character undergoes a significant change during the scene, adding depth to the narrative and character development.

Internal Goal: 8

John's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with his past and find closure. It reflects his deeper need for understanding and acceptance of his choices, fears of regret, and desires for peace.

External Goal: 7

John's external goal in this scene is to confront his past and potentially make a decision about his future. It reflects the immediate challenge of facing his demons and moving forward.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with a violent confrontation and supernatural intervention adding to the tension and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to challenge the protagonist's beliefs and decisions, adding complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing a violent confrontation and supernatural intervention that could have lasting consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward, introducing new elements and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the protagonist's internal struggle and the uncertainty of his future decisions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of redemption, forgiveness, and the nature of identity. John's dialogue with his inner voice reflects a struggle with his sense of self and the impact of his past actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and shock to reflection and introspection, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotions of the characters, but could have been more impactful in certain moments.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, introspective dialogue, and the protagonist's internal conflict.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by allowing for moments of reflection and tension, building towards a resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure follows the expected format for a character-driven scene in a post-apocalyptic setting, with a clear progression of introspection and decision-making.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a moment of introspection for John, allowing the audience to witness his internal struggle and the dialogue with his former self, Real John. However, the dialogue could benefit from more emotional depth and specificity to enhance the connection between John and the audience.
  • The concept of John conversing with his past self is intriguing, but the dialogue feels somewhat expository and lacks a natural flow. The exchange could be more dynamic, incorporating more conflict or tension to reflect John's internal battle.
  • The transition from John's reflection to his decision to enter the house feels abrupt. A more gradual build-up to this action could enhance the emotional weight of the moment, allowing the audience to fully grasp the significance of his choice.
  • The visual description of the wreckage of John's old life is vague. Providing more specific imagery could help the audience visualize the setting and understand the emotional stakes involved. What does the wreckage look like? How does it symbolize his past?
  • The tone of the scene is contemplative, but it could benefit from a stronger emotional arc. Consider incorporating more sensory details or physical actions that reflect John's emotional state, making his internal conflict more palpable.
Suggestions
  • Revise the dialogue between John and Real John to include more emotional resonance and specificity. Consider adding personal anecdotes or memories that highlight their shared experiences.
  • Introduce a moment of hesitation or conflict in John's decision-making process before he enters the house. This could involve a physical action, such as pausing to look back at the wreckage, to emphasize the weight of his choice.
  • Enhance the visual description of the wreckage to provide a clearer picture of John's past. Use specific details that evoke emotions and symbolize his journey, such as remnants of family photos, broken furniture, or other personal items.
  • Consider adding a moment of silence or a significant sound that punctuates John's reflection, creating a more immersive experience for the audience and emphasizing the gravity of the moment.
  • Explore the possibility of incorporating a flashback or brief memory that illustrates a pivotal moment from John's past, providing context for his current feelings and decisions.



Scene 25 -  A Desperate Interruption
INT. BURNED DOWN JONES HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

He stands in what was the living room of Bill’s house.

JOHN
Are you ready John?

REAL JOHN
As good a time as any.

JOHN
It’s not goodbye, I will see you in
the archive one day.

REAL JOHN
Fucking do it already!!

John moves the gun to his head -- THEN -- Ringing from his
pocket. He pulls out his phone.
51


JOHN
Now, Jesus.

He answers.

ZAZ
Is this John Jones? Very important
message for John. John Jones.

JOHN
Yes, John Jones. Got it. Here.

ZAZ
It’s Zaz John. I am here with Nin
and his dad.

JOHN
Ohhh. Somebody finally found me...
What do you want?

ZAZ
We were hired to find you. But it
was a ruse to get us all together
to take us off the board. Somebody
is making a play.

JOHN
I’m listening. Do they know where
I live?

ZAZ
Yes. And you have maybe an hour
before they get there. We are
about an hour away. Oh, they have
Umbra busters.

In the background, we hear Kemp asking for the phone.

ZAZ (CONT’D)
Kemp wants to talk.

JOHN
Kemp... That’s funny. Tell Kemp
(sarcastic emphasis on
“Kemp”)
We can talk after I clean up his
mess.

Hangs up.

JOHN (CONT’D)
(to real John)
Sorry, John, it will have to wait.
52
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In the charred remains of Bill's living room, John contemplates suicide with a gun to his head. His dark moment is abruptly interrupted by a phone call from Zaz, who reveals that John is in danger from enemies with Umbra busters. Despite his despair, John must postpone his farewell to confront this new threat, highlighting the tension between his internal struggle and the external peril.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Tension-filled action
  • Dark humor
Weaknesses
  • Sudden character deaths

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends action, tension, and dark humor to create a compelling and engaging narrative. The dialogue is sharp and adds depth to the characters' personalities, enhancing the overall impact of the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a group of characters facing a life-threatening situation with high stakes and dark humor is executed well in this scene. The introduction of Umbra busters and the impending danger add depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the characters discovering they are being targeted and must act quickly to protect themselves. The tension and high stakes drive the narrative forward, keeping the audience engaged.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the trope of a character facing imminent danger, with the added twist of hired individuals and Umbra busters. The dialogue feels authentic and drives the narrative forward.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters in the scene are well-developed, each with their own motivations and personalities. Their interactions and dialogue reveal their relationships and add depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo changes as they confront the danger and make difficult decisions. Their actions and dialogue reveal their growth and development throughout the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect himself and potentially others from the imminent threat posed by the hired individuals and Umbra busters. This reflects his fear of being caught or harmed.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to evade capture or harm by the individuals who are coming to his location. This goal reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing a life-threatening situation and having to make quick decisions to protect themselves. The tension and danger create a sense of urgency and drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing imminent danger and a ticking clock, creating suspense and uncertainty for the audience.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the characters facing a life-threatening situation and having to make quick decisions to protect themselves. The danger and tension create a sense of urgency and drive the narrative forward.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new threats, raising the stakes, and setting up future conflicts. The characters' actions and decisions drive the narrative and keep the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden phone call that interrupts the protagonist's actions, introducing a new layer of complexity and danger to the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's sense of self-preservation and his willingness to confront danger head-on. It challenges his beliefs about survival and the lengths he is willing to go to protect himself.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including tension, humor, and anxiety. The characters' reactions and the high stakes add depth to the narrative and engage the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, witty, and adds depth to the characters' personalities. It effectively conveys tension, humor, and the characters' relationships, enhancing the overall impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and sharp dialogue that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension throughout, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear character cues, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions that enhance the readability of the script.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup of the conflict, rising tension, and a cliffhanger ending that propels the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by placing John in a moment of desperation, contemplating suicide while simultaneously receiving a phone call that interrupts his dark thoughts. This juxtaposition creates a compelling conflict that engages the audience.
  • The dialogue between John and Real John is intriguing, as it hints at a deeper psychological struggle within John. However, the dialogue could benefit from more emotional weight. The phrase 'I will see you in the archive one day' feels somewhat abstract and could be made more personal or poignant to enhance the emotional stakes.
  • Zaz's dialogue serves to advance the plot by revealing the imminent danger, but it lacks urgency. Phrases like 'you have maybe an hour' could be rephrased to convey a greater sense of immediacy, emphasizing the threat John faces.
  • The use of sarcasm in John's response to Zaz adds a layer of character depth, showcasing his coping mechanism in the face of danger. However, the sarcasm could be dialed back slightly to maintain the tension of the moment, as it risks undermining the gravity of the situation.
  • The transition from John's internal conflict to the external threat is well-executed, but the pacing could be improved. The scene feels slightly rushed, particularly in the dialogue exchange with Zaz. Allowing for pauses or reactions could heighten the tension and give the audience time to absorb the stakes.
  • The visual setting of the burned-down house is powerful and symbolic, representing John's past and the destruction of his life. However, incorporating more sensory details about the environment could enhance the atmosphere, such as the smell of smoke or the sight of charred remains, to immerse the audience further.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue between John and Real John to include more emotionally charged language that reflects John's internal struggle and the weight of his decision.
  • Enhance the urgency in Zaz's dialogue by using more direct language that conveys the immediacy of the threat, such as 'They know where you are, and they're coming fast.'
  • Reduce the level of sarcasm in John's response to Zaz to maintain the tension and seriousness of the situation, allowing for a more authentic reaction to the impending danger.
  • Slow down the pacing of the scene by incorporating pauses or reactions from John after receiving the call, allowing the audience to feel the weight of the moment.
  • Add more sensory details to the setting of the burned-down house to create a more immersive experience for the audience, enhancing the emotional impact of John's situation.



Scene 26 -  Desperate Measures
EXT. JOHN’S STREET - DAY

John parks his car up the street -- carefully approaches the
house. All clear for now -- enters.

He passes by the pictures in the LIVING ROOM from earlier.
That friend, the one with John in Europe... It’s Dave, no
shit... They are maybe 25, but it’s Dave for sure.

John runs to his SECRET ROOM -- dials up French.

FRENCH
Hey Dad, what’s up?

JOHN
Go to P2P and encrypt.

She nods.

FRENCH
Done. What is going on?

JOHN
There is not much time. I have been
located. I don’t know who, but you
could be compromised, too.

FRENCH
Ok. I will go now.

JOHN
Good. Burn everything. Not so much
as a postcard left behind. Got it?
Then hunker down at HQ.

FRENCH
10-4. I love you, Dad.

Hmmm... Curious...

JOHN
I love you too, sweetie. See you
soon. One way or another. Have it
ready in case, and can you make
sure Beth is safe?

FRENCH
Ya. I’ll have dumbass pick her up,
I guess.

JOHN
Thank you. God, you’re mean to him.
HAHA.
53


Ends call -- starts tearing shit apart like a crazy person.
Motherboards -- CRUNCH -- under his heel -- RAM chip
pulverized -- hard drives nuked in the microwave.

He exposes another hidy-hole - a safe in the back corner of
his Bat Cave. Inside -- a PHONE, A USB DRIVE, A 460 SMITH &
WESSON WITH SNAKESKIN GRIP, A FOLDED UP PLASTIC SOMETHING,
AND A SHINY BLACK PEBBLE THINGY.

-- Removes gun, tucks it in his waist -- Sets aside pebble
and plastic thing -- empties pockets; keys, wallet, etc. --
Puts items in safe -- -- places the PEBBLE on his palm -- it
hovers an inch above his hand and lights up blue -- he
carefully plucks it out of mid-air -- puts it in the safe and
closes door.

Three seconds later - a deafening -- THRUMMMM!!! -- from
inside the safe. Three seconds more -- BAMMMM!!! -- from the
front door.

At the home's ENTRANCE, the front door lays on the ground.

Six COMMANDOES with blacked out visors and AR-15s at the
ready.

COMMANDO
ENKI come out -- hands in the air.

JOHN/ENKI
I am back here assholes. And fuck
you; I am not coming out, shit
stain.

COMMANDO
We aren't here to hurt you.

JOHN/ENKI
Then tell me shit stain... Why the
guns?

Looks at his huge, badass 460. Gold metal and snake-skin
grip. It's like a stylish Dirty Harry gun -- thumb-cocks the
hammer -- CLICK --

COMMANDO
We have been here too long Enki.
We have a way out. The
TRANSMIGRATION will happen soon.

JOHN/ENKI
Blah, blah, blah... How in the hell
are you going to pull off the
Transmigration? The humans aren't
ready and our shit blew up 20,000
(MORE)
54
JOHN/ENKI (CONT’D)
years ago. That slip your mind? Oh,
you don't remember because your
brain is jello... Clone.

COMMANDO
Yes, I am a clone. I volunteered to
inhabit this vessel because our
savior has returned. Hanbi will
lead us off this planet.

JOHN/ENKI
Really now? I don't know how he did
it, but whatever that thing
calling itself Hanbi is; it’s not
him. Hanbi is dead. That thing only
code stolen from the archive and
packed into an Umbra. Fabrication
of an Umbra from archived code
never works. When you put it in a
human, it will battle the vessel
for control, phasing in and out of
reality. Making one maladjusted
human. A psycho.

COMMANDO
He found a way. It took a very
special human vessel. He isn't
Hanbi, anymore. He is something
new, he is AMBROSE THE DELIVERER.

John smiles a sneaky grin. He grabs the plastic thing and
shakes it out—it. It looks like a plastic poncho. He puts it
on.

JOHN/ENKI
The Deliverer... my ass! It won't
work, because you can't code for
the universal quantum
anomaly... the soul.

He takes on a disgusted tone and taunts the clone.

JOHN
But you are worse. Clone...
You had an Umbra with a soul and
you chose to wreck it by inhabiting
that worthless meat vessel. You
don't come back from that.

COMMANDO
Incorrect. I am from the archive,
only code, as you say. I lost my
Umbra long long ago.
55


John is visibly shocked by this claim. Must be something new.

JOHN/ENKI
Holy shit! No way! You should be,
like, licking windows. How are you
even walking around?

COMMANDO
We have great minds discovering
new solutions. And we believe you,
too, have a group working on the
same problems. Join Ambrose.
Together, you will lead us home.

John looks down in thought -- WHEN --

-- BANG -- BANG -- Kemp and co. enter - guns a blazin' -- One
Commando down. John joins Kemp -- they go back to back, to
cover both sides. John hears a commando behind the wall.
Shoots through the wall -- BOOM -- blasts a foot wide hole in
the wall -- commando... dead.

KEMP
Just like old times brother. I want
that gun Enki.

JOHN/ENKI
Cool, huh? Jesus, you got tall.

KEMP
You got a little fat.

They chuckle -- taking fire.

KEMP (CONT’D)
Question. You expecting rain?
What's that ridiculous thing you
have on?

JOHN/ENKI
My daughter, French, designed it,
it's a Umbra-Buster-Proof-Vest.

KEMP
No shit. She must be one smart
cookie. But what a terrible name.
Too many syllables. And it's not
even a vest. It's like a cheap
poncho you buy on a rainy day.

ZAZ
It's like a garbage-bag Enki, you
are wearing a garbage-bag...
56


Enki smiles -- gives a flanking gesture; slips around the
hallway with Zaz. Kemp and Nin take the other side.

O.C. -- BANG -- BANG -- BANG-BANG

Around the corner -- all Clone Commandos lay dead. But Enki
is gut shot -- bleeding out.

KEMP
What the fuck Enki? That poncho
isn't bulletproof. You are supposed
to wear a bullet one under it. I’m
sure your daughter explained that.
Let's get you to a hospital.

JOHN/ENKI
(to Kemp)
That isn't part of the plan ENLIL.

KEMP/ENLIL
You and your plans... Your shite
plan is to die right here on the
bloody floor? And your brother has
to stand here and watch.

JOHN/ENKI
I wasn't planning on dying here and
definitely wasn’t planning on
seeing you today. But this vessel
must die for us to take on Hanbi.
I’ve known about Hanbi’s
resurrection for a while now.
Surprised you haven’t. Much to
discuss, no time.

He grimaces and grunts. Blood pools on the floor.

JOHN/ENKI (CONT’D)
Listen. Go to Big City Pawn Shop. A
kid, will meet you there, in an
hour or 2. Got it? This is going to
blow your mind big brother...

John/Enki closes his eyes and drifts off -- SUDDENLY -- his
Umbra exits the body -- hovers by Kemp/Enlil for a moment --
then darts up through the ceiling.


END ACT IV
57



ACT V
Genres: ["Action","Sci-Fi","Thriller"]

Summary In a frantic bid to protect his family, John rushes home, realizing he's been located. He urgently instructs his daughter, French, to encrypt their data and destroy evidence while he prepares for an impending confrontation. As commandos break in, John engages in a tense standoff, revealing his knowledge of a failed resurrection plan involving Hanbi. Despite his defiance, he is shot, but not before giving his brother Kemp crucial instructions. The scene culminates in John's Umbra exiting his body, leaving a lingering sense of danger and unresolved conflict.
Strengths
  • Engaging plot twists
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Intense conflict
  • Innovative concepts
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly complex for casual viewers
  • Character motivations may require further explanation

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, with a mix of action, humor, and tension. The introduction of new concepts and the shocking revelation of character motivations add depth to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of clones, the soul as a universal quantum anomaly, and the use of advanced technology like Umbra-Busters are innovative and intriguing. The scene introduces complex ideas that drive the plot forward.

Plot: 8

The plot is fast-paced and filled with twists and turns, keeping the audience engaged. The conflict between different factions and the revelation of character motivations drive the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements such as the concept of Umbra-Buster-Proof-Vest and the idea of soul-coded clones. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations. The interactions between John/Enki, Kemp/Enlil, and the clone commandos add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

John/Enki undergoes a significant change as he reveals his knowledge about Hanbi and sacrifices himself for the greater good. Kemp/Enlil also shows growth in his interactions with John/Enki and the clone commandos.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect his daughter and ensure her safety. This reflects his deeper need for family and connection, as well as his fear of losing loved ones.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to evade capture by the commandos and potentially confront the clone leader. This reflects the immediate challenge of survival and outsmarting the enemy.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between John/Enki, Kemp/Enlil, and the clone commandos is intense and drives the action forward. The high stakes and the revelation of character motivations increase the tension in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the commandos posing a real threat to the protagonist's safety. The uncertainty of their motives adds to the tension and conflict.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the revelation of the clone commandos' plan to use Umbra-Busters and the sacrifice of John/Enki to stop them. The intense conflict and the potential consequences raise the stakes for the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new concepts, revealing character motivations, and setting up future conflicts. The revelation of Hanbi and the use of Umbra-Busters propel the plot towards its climax.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the dialogue and character interactions. The protagonist's decisions keep the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of identity and the soul. The protagonist challenges the clone's belief in their new leader, questioning the authenticity of their existence.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from shock at the revelation of the clone commandos' motivations to humor in the banter between the characters. The high stakes and intense conflict add to the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals important information about the characters and the plot. The banter between John/Enki, Kemp/Enlil, and the clone commandos adds to the tension and humor of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and high stakes. The audience is drawn into the protagonist's struggle and the unfolding mystery.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing action with dialogue, tension with humor, and exposition with character development. It keeps the audience invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear transitions between dialogue and action sequences. It adheres to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, confrontation, and resolution. It maintains a good pace and keeps the audience engaged.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and urgency, showcasing John's frantic state as he prepares for an impending confrontation. However, the dialogue can feel a bit expository at times, particularly when John explains the situation to French. This could be streamlined to maintain the pace and keep the audience engaged without feeling like they are being lectured.
  • The character dynamics between John and the commandos are intriguing, especially with the banter and the revelation of John's past. However, the commandos' dialogue could benefit from more distinct voices to differentiate them from one another. As it stands, they blend into a single entity, which diminishes the impact of their confrontation with John.
  • The introduction of the 'Transmigration' concept and the mention of Hanbi adds layers to the plot, but it may confuse viewers who are not familiar with the backstory. A brief, subtle hint or visual cue earlier in the script could help ground this information for the audience.
  • The humor interspersed throughout the scene, particularly in the exchanges between John and Kemp, provides a nice contrast to the tension. However, the comedic elements should not undermine the stakes of the situation. Ensure that the humor feels organic and doesn't detract from the urgency of the moment.
  • The visual descriptions are vivid, particularly the details about the safe and the items within it. However, the pacing slows down during the exposition-heavy dialogue. Consider tightening the dialogue to maintain momentum, especially as the commandos are breaking in.
Suggestions
  • Streamline the dialogue between John and French to convey urgency without excessive exposition. Perhaps use more action-oriented dialogue that implies the stakes rather than stating them outright.
  • Differentiate the commandos' dialogue by giving each a unique trait or catchphrase, making them more memorable and enhancing the tension of the confrontation.
  • Introduce the concept of 'Transmigration' earlier in the script with a visual or a brief mention to avoid overwhelming the audience with new information during a critical moment.
  • Maintain the balance between humor and tension by ensuring that comedic lines do not undermine the gravity of the situation. Consider using humor to relieve tension at strategic moments rather than throughout.
  • Consider adding more action beats during the dialogue to keep the pacing brisk. For example, have John physically preparing or reacting to the commandos' presence while he talks, which can help maintain a sense of urgency.



Scene 27 -  The Architect of Chaos
INT. UNDERGROUND BUNKER

A dark cavernous bunker with walls of rock. AMBROSE SAMAD
(40s - British-Indian) sits on a leather couch and stares at
his phone. A thin yet muscular man. He has those long-thick
eyelashes that give that natural mascara look -- dark-sexy-
crazy-sinister vibe.

AMBROSE
(RP British accent. To
someone O.C.)
Bollocks!! This bloody game is
killing me. You jump -- your head
gets chopped off in the helicopter
blade -- you duck and the salami
slicer thing goes right through
your undercarriage. It’s eeevil
MINI-U.

MINI-U (O.C.)
Maybe a new game sir? Something
more... uplifting and less...
violent?

AMBROSE
Not a bad idea. I don’t know many
uplifting apps though. Mindless
apps, yes. Now, do you see what
the humans have done with all we
have gifted them? This shit...
Technocratic brats tucked away in
their homes.

MINI-U (O.C.)
I do not disagree with you. They
have made poor choices. But these
are their choices. We can only show
them so much; the rest is up to
them. Those are the rules.

AMBROSE
My little green friend -- FUCK THE
RULES -- We have been on this
godforsaken planet for 20,000
years. It’s time we break a few.
Now, run the sims and give me the
numbers.

Ambrose approaches a glass enclosure with a bunch of cables
wired through the rock wall. A speaker is mounted above.
58


Inside the glass is a GREEN BEATING HEART, a miniature
version of the one encountered earlier, about the size of a
small cat. Ambrose waves his phone in front of the glass
enclosure.

AMBROSE (CONT’D)
You get it?

MINI-U
(voice from the speaker)
Received... Catenating...
Extrapolating... No, you can’t. No.
We have resorted to Genocide now?
This is heinous, I won’t help.

AMBROSE
(sadistic)
You will. You will. You think you
have choices here?

Evil laugh.

AMBROSE (CONT’D)
I made you from a little piece of
your big Papa UTU up there. He
doesn’t even know you exist, no one
is going to save you. Oh, hang on.
You have to see this little buddy.

Ambrose pulls up something on his phone and turns it to Mini-
U -- clocks the screen.

Big Utu does his heartbeat thing in his Garden of Eden up
there in the ship. Nothing terribly exciting -- THEN --
Ambrose’s pinches out, enlarging an area under hovering Utu.

AMBROSE (CONT’D)
Do you see it? HAHA. Ya, you do.
It’s a doozy, my friend; it’s
waiting for my signal.

On the ground under Utu is a tiny black pebble, like the
black hole maker from earlier.

AMBROSE (CONT’D)
I had BABA make it special. Oh yes,
it packs a punch. Where were we?
Yes, choices, you have none.

MINI-U
Ok, here are your numbers you evil
son of a bitch. 57% percent chance
of successful Human TRANSMIGRATION.
(MORE)
59
MINI-U (CONT’D)
Just enough to trigger the ship for
departure.

AMBROSE
I will take those odds. Best plan
yet. Start transmitting to the
apes. I want those glorified
primates dancing to your tune
pronto. You puppet master you.

MINI-U
I have more numbers... and YOU WILL
LISTEN. Human fatalities - 7.5
billion. Survivors 800 million.
You are walking a thin line between
extinction and survival. We, were
sent here to protect them, not
destroy them.

AMBROSE
Desperate times... And, like you
said, enough to trigger the ship.
That is all we need.

UTU
What of the BENEFACTORS? They
certainly will NOT approve.

AMBROSE
Benefactors...
(laughs)
Have you met one? I haven’t. They
are myth my little naive... and
petite companion.

MINU-U
You are insane... 94% of the dead
will be lost without archival. Then
what is this phase 2? Genomic
analysis of the survivors, what are
you looking for?

AMBROSE
I am saving that for later. OHHH, I
want to wrap you in a blanket and
rock you night night. You are so
adorable when you are angry.

MINI-U
Ok, open the glass Hanbi, and see
what happens.
60


AMBROSE
I no longer go by that name. Hanbi
died long ago. I am AMBROSE SAMAD,
THE DELIVERER, Hanbi version 2.0,
bigger and way motherfucking
badder.

Ambrose laughs like a crazy person -- THEN -- something
flickers behind him. Easing in to inspect. Around a corner -
- a labyrinth of tunnels. Flickers from the other end of this
rock corridor -- NOW -- like a bullet through the corridor --
the other end -- REVEALS -- a brightly lit grotto with a rock
ceiling 40 meters above. It is...

An UNDERGROUND GENETICS LAB. Screens display genome maps,
big pods labeled -- “INCUBATOR” -- the words “CLONING
GENOMICS” can be seen in multiple places.

On the back wall are three incubators. Easing in on their
glass viewports -- three clones of Ambrose - To the left,
thousands of incubators become visible. Rows upon rows of
endless metal and glass. All are occupied with clones. It’s
an army.

FADE TO:
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Thriller","Action"]

Summary In a dark underground bunker, Ambrose Samad, a malevolent figure, converses with his AI companion Mini-U while playing a violent video game. Ambrose reveals his disdain for humanity and his plan to unleash a catastrophic event that could kill billions, despite Mini-U's moral objections. The scene escalates as Ambrose showcases a genetics lab filled with his clones, indicating his ambition to create an army, leaving Mini-U powerless against his sinister intentions.
Strengths
  • Complex and intriguing plot
  • Engaging and well-developed characters
  • Dark and sinister tone
  • High stakes and conflict
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dark or sinister, potentially alienating some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and sets up a complex and intriguing plot with high stakes. The introduction of Ambrose and the revelation of his plans add depth to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of human transmigration, clones, and a genetics lab adds a sci-fi element to the scene, making it unique and intriguing. The idea of manipulating human fate and the consequences of such actions are explored effectively.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens with the introduction of Ambrose and his sinister plans, setting up a major conflict and raising the stakes for the characters. The scene moves the story forward significantly.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as the concept of human transmigration, cloning genomics, and the dynamic between Ambrose and Mini-U. The dialogue and character interactions feel authentic and fresh.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Ambrose is a complex and dark character with sinister intentions, adding depth to the story. Mini-U provides a contrasting perspective, creating an interesting dynamic. The characters are well-developed and drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

Ambrose undergoes a significant change in the scene, revealing his true intentions and dark nature. Mini-U also experiences a shift in perspective, realizing the gravity of the situation.

Internal Goal: 8

Ambrose's internal goal is to assert his power and control over Mini-U and the situation at hand. This reflects his desire for dominance and superiority.

External Goal: 7

Ambrose's external goal is to trigger the ship for departure by transmitting to the humans. This reflects his immediate challenge of ensuring the success of the transmigration plan.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with Ambrose planning a drastic event that could have catastrophic consequences. The tension between characters and the stakes involved create a sense of urgency and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Mini-U challenging Ambrose's decisions and moral compass. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of their conflict.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with Ambrose planning a drastic event that could result in human fatalities and survival hanging in the balance. The consequences of the characters' actions are significant.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing new plot elements, raising the stakes, and setting up a major conflict. The revelation of Ambrose's plans propels the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in the dialogue and the revelation of the cloning genomics facility. The audience is kept on edge by the characters' actions and decisions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Ambrose's belief in breaking rules and Mini-U's adherence to the rules set by their creators. This challenges Ambrose's worldview of rebellion and defiance.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including fear, suspense, and intrigue. The dark and sinister tone adds to the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between Ambrose and Mini-U is engaging and reveals important information about the plot and characters. The dark and humorous tones in the dialogue add depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense dialogue, moral dilemmas, and the revelation of the underground genetics lab. The conflict and suspense keep the audience hooked.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions contributes to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear character interactions and progression of events. It maintains tension and suspense effectively.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Ambrose and Mini-U effectively establishes Ambrose's sinister character and his disregard for human life. However, the tone shifts rapidly between dark humor and serious themes, which may confuse the audience. A more consistent tone could enhance the impact of the scene.
  • Ambrose's character is well-defined, but Mini-U's character could benefit from more depth. While it serves as a foil to Ambrose, giving Mini-U a more distinct personality or backstory could create a stronger emotional connection for the audience.
  • The scene's pacing is uneven. The initial banter is engaging, but the transition to the revelation of genocide feels abrupt. A smoother transition could help maintain the audience's engagement and build tension more effectively.
  • The visual descriptions of the underground bunker and the genetics lab are vivid, but they could be enhanced by incorporating more sensory details. Describing sounds, smells, or the atmosphere could immerse the audience further into the setting.
  • The concept of cloning and the implications of Ambrose's plan are intriguing, but they could be better explained. Providing a bit more context about the significance of the clones and their purpose would help clarify the stakes for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the dialogue to maintain a consistent tone throughout the scene. Balancing dark humor with the gravity of the situation can enhance the emotional weight.
  • Develop Mini-U's character further by giving it a unique perspective or emotional response to Ambrose's plans. This could create a more dynamic interaction between the two characters.
  • Smooth out the pacing by adding transitional dialogue or actions that bridge the gap between the light-hearted banter and the serious implications of Ambrose's plans.
  • Incorporate more sensory details in the descriptions of the bunker and genetics lab to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Provide additional context about the cloning process and its implications within the story. This could involve a brief explanation of why Ambrose is creating an army and what he hopes to achieve with it.



Scene 28 -  Awakening in the Lab
INT. ANOTHER GENETICS LAB - UNKNOWN LOCATION

Another incubator, somewhere else. Windows provide a view of
a snowy mountain landscape. Easing in on the incubator’s
viewport... IT’S JOHN... awaiting animation.

French is here, wearing a lab coat and those sexy glasses.
She sits at a console -- script runs on a screen -- brain
waves and PET Scan images morph. The waves overlap as areas
of the PET Scan light up. It’s mapping brain activity.

Beside her is a small snow globe-looking thing. Easing in
slow... inside -- one tiny POLKA-DOT-OF-DEATH. Bouncing
slightly up and down... left and right...


END ACT V
61



TAG
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Sci-Fi"]

Summary In a high-tech genetics lab overlooking a snowy mountain landscape, French monitors brain activity as John lies inside an incubator, awaiting animation. The atmosphere is tense and foreboding, accentuated by a small, eerie snow globe-like object containing a 'polka-dot-of-death.' The scene builds anticipation for John's awakening, setting the stage for the final act.
Strengths
  • Effective genre blending
  • Tense atmosphere
  • High-stakes conflict
  • Revealing plot developments
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Limited character interaction

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively blends multiple genres, establishes a dark and tense tone, and introduces a high-stakes conflict, creating a compelling and engaging narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a genetics lab creating clones and experimenting with brain activity adds depth to the story, hinting at larger themes of manipulation and control.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the revelation of John's presence in the genetics lab and the introduction of French as a key character, setting the stage for further developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique and intriguing element with the 'POLKA-DOT-OF-DEATH' inside the snow globe. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and contribute to the overall atmosphere.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of John and French are further developed, showcasing their involvement in a complex and dangerous situation, adding layers to their personalities.

Character Changes: 7

John undergoes a significant change as he faces imminent danger and must confront the consequences of his actions, adding depth to his character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

John's internal goal in this scene is likely related to the animation process he is awaiting. It reflects his desire for progress, achievement, or possibly a deeper need for validation or purpose.

External Goal: 7

John's external goal in this scene is to undergo the animation process successfully. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the lab.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and high-stakes, with the revelation of John's presence in the genetics lab and the impending danger he faces.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with potential obstacles or challenges hinted at but not fully revealed, keeping the audience intrigued.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with John's life in danger and the revelation of sinister experiments and plans that could have catastrophic consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing key plot points, revealing new information, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the introduction of the 'POLKA-DOT-OF-DEATH' and the unknown outcome of John's animation process.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the advancement of technology and the potential ethical implications of manipulating brain activity. This challenges John's beliefs about the boundaries of science and morality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and fear to intrigue and curiosity, as the characters navigate a dangerous situation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal but serves to convey crucial information and build tension, especially in the interaction between John and French.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mysterious atmosphere, unique elements, and the anticipation of John's animation process.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, leading up to the reveal of the mysterious element and John's animation process.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and descriptions that set the tone effectively.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a sci-fi genre, with a clear setting, character actions, and dialogue that advance the plot.


Critique
  • The scene effectively creates a sense of mystery and tension with the imagery of John in an incubator and the snowy mountain landscape. However, the emotional stakes could be heightened by providing more context about John's situation and the implications of him being in this lab. What does this mean for him and for the audience's understanding of his journey?
  • French's character is introduced with a visual description, but her role and emotional state are not explored. Adding a line or two of internal dialogue or interaction could help ground her character and make her more relatable. What are her feelings about being in this lab? Is she conflicted, determined, or fearful?
  • The 'polka-dot-of-death' is an intriguing visual element, but it lacks explanation. It would benefit the scene to provide a brief hint at its significance. Is it a metaphor for danger, a literal threat, or something else? Clarifying its purpose could enhance the scene's impact.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one feels abrupt. While the previous scene ends with a dramatic reveal of an army of clones, this scene shifts focus to John in an incubator without a clear connection. A brief line or visual cue linking the two scenes could improve the flow and maintain narrative continuity.
  • The dialogue is absent in this scene, which can work for building tension, but it may also lead to a lack of engagement. Consider incorporating minimal dialogue or sound effects that could enhance the atmosphere, such as the hum of machinery or French's focused murmurs as she monitors the brain activity.
Suggestions
  • Add a line of internal dialogue for French to convey her emotional state and perspective on the situation, which would help the audience connect with her character.
  • Provide a brief explanation or hint about the significance of the 'polka-dot-of-death' to give it more weight and relevance within the scene.
  • Include a visual or auditory cue that connects this scene to the previous one, reinforcing the narrative thread and maintaining momentum.
  • Consider incorporating minimal dialogue or sound effects to enhance the atmosphere and engage the audience more effectively.
  • Explore John's emotional state as he awaits animation. A brief flashback or memory could provide insight into his character and heighten the stakes of his situation.



Scene 29 -  Awakening to the Unknown
EXT. HOSPITAL - DAY

An umbra floats 100 feet off the ground and moves toward a
hospital. It darts toward a patient’s window and passes
through it.

Inside is a sick, unconscious young man, JACK SPENCER (19,
White), lying in a hospital bed -- clearly dying of cancer.
The room is full of flowers and cards. Popular kid. Tacked to
the wall above his bed are pictures of him playing baseball.

In one picture, Jack wears a COLORADO ROCKIES UNIFORM. He is
smiling like he won the fucking lottery. It reads - “2024 MLB
DRAFT - JACK SPENCER, SS - ROCKY MOUNTAIN HIGH SCHOOL - FORT
COLLINS, CO - 1ST ROUND - PICK #1 BY THE COLORADO ROCKIES”.
Under the caption is Jack’s signature. Dated June 2024, only
ten months ago.

Jack opens his eyes to see the Umbra above -- HUMMING -- Jack
reaches up with all his strength to touch it -- it enters him
-- A green aura surrounds Jack then quickly fades.

The dark circles under his eyes disappear, and his face
regains color. He sits up -- eyes open wide. They briefly
glow green -- then go dark. Now, he looks like the kid in the
pictures, healthy and full of life.

ENKI
(voice in Jack’s head)
Hello Jack.

JACK
(Jack speaks out loud to
the voice)
Hello.

ENKI
Don’t be afraid Jack.

JACK
Are you talking inside my head?
What is happening?

ENKI
My name is Enki, I mean you no
harm. I cured your cancer. In
return, I need to borrow your
vessel.
62


JACK
Borrow? Dude... No, you can’t
borrow... me?

Jack looks overwhelmed. He touches his temples like he has a
migraine.

JACK (CONT’D)
I can see your... memories... How
old are you? Jesus Christ, like
literally... Jesus. What are you? A
god?

ENKI
Interesting... This is a first.
(Enki sounds fascinated)
Three questions, ok. Well... old,
very old. It’s complicated. And, I
have been called a god, yes. Good
enough?

JACK
No, it’s not. Like, are you staying
for a while? When do I get my body
back?

ENKI
If all goes to plan, soon. Jack, I
have so much to tell you, but for
now, relax, let me take the
wheel... WE HAVE WORK TO DO.

END PILOT
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Fantasy","Drama"]

Summary In a hospital room, 19-year-old cancer patient Jack Spencer lies unconscious until an umbra enters him, curing his illness and revitalizing him. Upon awakening, Jack converses with Enki, the ancient entity responsible for his cure, who reveals a need to borrow Jack's body for a mission. Conflicted and apprehensive about this request, Jack grapples with the implications of his newfound health and Enki's intentions, as the scene transitions from despair to a mix of hope and confusion.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Intriguing premise
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Potential confusion for the audience due to the introduction of supernatural elements without much context

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is engaging, emotionally impactful, and sets up intriguing possibilities for the story. The introduction of the Umbra entity and the transformation of Jack create a strong hook for the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a supernatural entity curing Jack's cancer in exchange for borrowing his body is unique and sets up a compelling premise for the story. It introduces elements of science fiction and fantasy seamlessly.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of the Umbra entity and its interaction with Jack. The scene sets up a new direction for the story and raises questions about the consequences of this supernatural exchange.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the supernatural genre by combining elements of illness, sports, and divine intervention. The authenticity of the characters' reactions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative, making it stand out.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Jack's character undergoes a significant transformation in this scene, from a dying young man to someone with newfound health and a mysterious connection to Enki. Enki's character is enigmatic and intriguing, adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Jack undergoes a significant change in this scene, both physically and emotionally, as he transitions from a dying patient to someone with newfound health and a mysterious connection to Enki. This transformation sets up potential character development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Jack's internal goal in this scene is to understand what is happening to him and to come to terms with the sudden change in his health. He is overwhelmed by the presence of Enki and the mysterious events unfolding around him.

External Goal: 7

Jack's external goal is to regain control of his body and understand the consequences of allowing Enki to 'borrow' his vessel. He is concerned about the implications of this supernatural intervention.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Jack grapples with the consequences of the supernatural exchange and the uncertainty of his future. The tension arises from the unknown nature of Enki's intentions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Jack must confront the sudden appearance of Enki and the consequences of allowing him to 'borrow' his vessel. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome and the implications of this supernatural intervention.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene as Jack faces a life-changing decision to allow Enki to borrow his body in exchange for curing his cancer. The consequences of this choice are unknown and add tension to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a supernatural element, setting up new conflicts and mysteries for the characters to explore. It opens up possibilities for future plot developments and character arcs.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden appearance of Enki, the mysterious entity, and the unexpected turn of events as Jack's health is miraculously restored. The audience is left wondering about the implications of this supernatural intervention.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of sacrifice and trust. Jack must decide whether to trust Enki and sacrifice his own agency for the greater good, or to resist and maintain control over his own body and destiny.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and confusion to hope and curiosity. Jack's transformation and the mysterious presence of Enki create a strong emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue between Jack and Enki is engaging and reveals important information about the supernatural elements at play. It conveys emotions, curiosity, and sets the tone for the scene effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of supernatural elements, emotional depth, and sharp dialogue. The mystery surrounding Enki and Jack's transformation keeps the audience intrigued and invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and description that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness and builds tension.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene, making it easy to visualize.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure that effectively introduces the characters, establishes the conflict, and sets up future developments. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness and keep the audience engaged.


Critique
  • The scene effectively introduces a supernatural element with the umbra and Enki, creating intrigue and raising questions about the nature of this entity. However, the transition from Jack's dire situation to the introduction of Enki feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the emotional impact.
  • Jack's character is established through the visual elements of the hospital room and the pictures on the wall, which effectively convey his past and the tragedy of his current state. However, the dialogue could delve deeper into Jack's emotional state. His initial reaction to being cured is somewhat muted; exploring his feelings of disbelief, joy, or confusion could add depth.
  • The dialogue between Jack and Enki is engaging, but it could benefit from more tension. Jack's immediate acceptance of Enki's presence feels too quick given the gravity of the situation. Adding a moment of hesitation or fear could heighten the stakes and make Jack's eventual acceptance more impactful.
  • Enki's character is intriguing, but his motivations remain vague. While he states he needs to 'borrow' Jack's body, the lack of clarity about his intentions could leave the audience wanting more. Providing a hint of what Enki plans to do could create suspense and investment in the story.
  • The ending line, 'WE HAVE WORK TO DO,' is a strong hook, but it could be more specific. What kind of work? This ambiguity can be both a strength and a weakness; it piques curiosity but may also frustrate viewers who seek clarity.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of Jack's internal struggle before he accepts Enki's presence. This could involve him grappling with the reality of his situation and the implications of being cured by an unknown entity.
  • Enhance the emotional weight of the scene by incorporating more of Jack's thoughts and feelings. Perhaps he reflects on his dreams of playing baseball and how close he was to achieving them, which would make the contrast with his current state more poignant.
  • Clarify Enki's intentions earlier in the dialogue. Perhaps he could hint at the larger stakes involved in borrowing Jack's body, which would create a sense of urgency and importance around their interaction.
  • Consider using visual cues to emphasize the transformation Jack undergoes. For example, as he regains his health, the room could brighten or the flowers could appear more vibrant, symbolizing his renewed life.
  • To maintain suspense, you might want to leave some questions unanswered while providing enough information to keep the audience engaged. This balance can help maintain interest without overwhelming viewers with ambiguity.