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Scene 1 -  Confrontation at the Italian Restaurant
INT. ITALIAN RESTAURANT. EARLY EVENING

Maître D, VINCENZO stands near the door of the Allessio’s restaurant.
Light Italian music is playing in the background. Two waiters scurry
about the six tables, three of them occupied by couples. A lone man
is seated at the sixth table. At the third table SELENE KNIGHT sits
impatiently tapping her foot. She’s a beautiful light skinned black
woman, 25, 5’4” 120 lbs. The voice of PENEEB TOE is heard off screen.

PENEEB
“Allessio’s Italian restaurant is
packed on this balmy Friday night.
It’s June, and the year is 1967.
Rick and Selene Knight are there
Selene's impatient, and about to swear.”

SELENE
“Where are you rick, where the hell is he?
Why does he do these terrible things to me?
Twenty minutes, i think it’s been.
I hope and pray that he fell in!
He belongs down in the toilet,
if he is in fact a cheater.
I will never allow him to also
become an abusive wife beater!”

SELENE beckons to VINCENZO, who quickly comes to her table.

SELENE
“Vincenzo, please check on rick,
he’s been in there way too long.
Go see if he’s dead or maybe he’s sick
or if anything else is wrong.”
VINCENZO
“Certainly Mrs. knight, I’ll go and see.
you know you can always count on me.”

As VINCENZO heads for the restroom, a striking blonde woman exits,
passing him heading in SELENE’S direction. Stripper music
accentuates the blonde’s every step. Two waiters stop to watch her
as she struts past SELENE, who ignores her, and remains focused on
the restroom area. RICK KNIGHT and VINCENZO appear at the restroom
entrance area, talking in hushed whispers.
RICK’S 27 years old, 5’8, 170 pounds, black hair and fit shape.
VINCENZO returns to his post as RICK heads for SELENE. The blonde’s
sitting with an older sugar-daddy three tables behind SELENE.

RICK
“Sorry baby, my stomach’s acting up again,
I couldn’t help it taking me so long.
You saw me rush in there, I had to go,
didn’t you see, something had to be wrong?”
5


SELENE
“Don’t you bullshit me Rick,
you’re up to your old tricks, I see.
Just how well do you know,
that whore blonde that just passed me?”
RICK
“What blonde, what are you talking about?
I was stuck in the goddamn john,
couldn’t wait to get the hell out!
Are you accusing me of cheating?
I don’t deserve this verbal beating?
Are you nuts, are you crazy?”

SELENE
“Yes, crazy like a fox!
Tell me, do you know her?”

RICK
“Who? who are you talking about?

SELENE
“You know damn well who I mean!”
(Turning, SELENE points at the blonde.)
RICK
“Nope! I never ever saw her before.
Besides, she’s not even my type.
I don’t know her from a hole in the ground.
She must have been just hanging around…”

SELENE abruptly rises, throws her napkin down and heads for the
blonde, abating her anger as she approaches the blonde’s table.
SELENE
“Please excuse me sweetheart,
sorry to bother you with my whim.
But, I have to know the truth.
So tell me, do you know him?”
(SELENE points to RICK)
BLONDE
“Him? oh yeah, he’s the film editor, right?
We only talked business here tonight.
But why do you ask, we hardly get along.
What happened, did he do something wrong?”
SELENE
“Yes, he woke up alive!”
SELENE pours a carafe of red wine over the BLONDE’S head. She jumps
up, flailing her arms. RICK follows as SELENE storms toward the exit.
CUT TO:
6
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Romance"]

Summary Selene confronts her husband Rick about cheating, leading to chaos when she misinterprets his conversation with a stranger.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Intense conflict
  • Memorable twist with red wine
Weaknesses
  • Stereotypical portrayal of the blonde woman

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, filled with tension, and ends with a surprising and memorable moment. The dialogue is sharp and the characters are well-defined.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a couple's confrontation in a restaurant setting is well-executed, with added intrigue from the appearance of the blonde woman. The use of red wine as a weapon adds a unique twist to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around the conflict between the couple and the revelation of potential infidelity. The scene moves at a good pace and keeps the audience engaged.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of infidelity and betrayal, with a unique setting and dynamic character interactions that add authenticity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Selene and Rick are well-developed and their dynamic is compelling. Selene is portrayed as strong-willed and confrontational, while Rick is defensive and evasive.

Character Changes: 7

Selene undergoes a change from impatience to anger and confrontation. Rick's character is also revealed through his defensive reactions.

Internal Goal: 8

Selene's internal goal is to confront Rick about his potential infidelity and assert her boundaries in their relationship. This reflects her need for honesty, trust, and respect in their relationship.

External Goal: 7

Selene's external goal is to uncover the truth about Rick's relationship with the blonde woman and assert her dominance in the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Selene and Rick is intense and drives the scene forward. The revelation of the potential infidelity adds another layer of conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition between Selene and Rick is strong, with conflicting goals and emotions that create a sense of uncertainty and tension in the scene.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the relationship between Selene and Rick is at risk of falling apart due to potential infidelity.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing the strained relationship between Selene and Rick, as well as introducing potential conflicts and betrayals.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in its theme of infidelity and confrontation, but the unexpected actions of pouring wine over the blonde's head add a surprising twist.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around trust, honesty, and the consequences of betrayal in a relationship. Selene's values of loyalty and respect clash with Rick's potential infidelity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience. The confrontation and betrayal add to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and reveals the tension between the characters. It drives the scene forward and keeps the audience invested.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense emotional conflict, dramatic confrontations, and dynamic character interactions that keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of emotions and actions that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic confrontation, building tension through dialogue and character actions.


Critique
  • The scene sets up the conflict between Selene and Rick effectively, but the dialogue feels a bit forced and unnatural at times.
  • The interaction between Selene and the blonde woman escalates too quickly and the pouring of wine over her head feels a bit over the top.
  • The character descriptions are detailed, but the actions and reactions of the characters could be more nuanced and realistic.
  • The transition from Selene storming towards the exit feels abrupt and could be smoother to lead into the next scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of how real people would speak in this situation.
  • Build up the tension between Selene and Rick more gradually before the confrontation with the blonde woman.
  • Focus on creating more subtle and layered interactions between the characters to make the scene more believable.
  • Work on a smoother transition at the end of the scene to lead into the next part of the story seamlessly.



Scene 2 -  Betrayal and Violence Outside Alessio's Italian Restaurant
EXT. NIGHTTIME. RESTAURANT. EARLY EVENING
The street and the restaurant entrance. A neon sign blinks Allessio’s
Italian Restaurant. SELENE exits with RICK right behind her, walking
towards three parked cars illuminated by streetlamps.
RICK
“Oh my god, here we go again,
looks like she’s figured it out.
Yet, this doesn’t change the fact
that I’m still the same old lout.”

SELENE
“Why is he like this,
why does he do this to me?
Where is the love we used to have?
Why does this have to be?”
RICK
“Can’t help who and what I am,
I need all the love I crave.
I was never 100% with her,
so why start now to behave?”
SELENE
“Doesn’t he love me anymore?
The kisses and the hugs are gone.
He cheats every chance he gets
I’m hoping there’s no special one.”

RICK
“Every woman I meet shows me love,
While my own wife just rejects me.
Do I really have a choice here?
Gotta be true to me, just to be fair?”

SELENE
“He says he’s stopped cheating
but, I don’t believe it’s true,
Should I throw him out tonight?
I’m torn about what, I should do?”

RICK
“Yes, I always loved her, I still do
and my wonderful twins are the best!
I don’t want to get out of my marriage,
but it won’t stop my next conquest.”

SELENE
“I love him still, but I hate the pain,
and he is a great father to the twins.
They love him unconditionally,
but can I deal with all his sins?”
7


RICK
“Can’t help what I am, not even for her.
I don’t want to stop what I like to do.
I want my life to stay just as it is,
I have to convince her that I’m through.”

SELENE
“We took those sacred vows together,
and we each swore to love forever.
I love him very much, even now, but
can our love survive this bad weather?”

RICK
“Honey, ya gotta listen to me.
I just barely know that gal.
She’s an editing assistant at MDO,
that’s it, I swear, my friend’s pal.”

SELENE
“Ya know rick, maybe it’s true,
maybe you’ve stopped being a cheat,
But I don’t believe or trust you!
You’re a sex addict, and a sneak.

RICK
“I haven’t cheated on you
in a very long, long time!
I swear, ya gotta believe me!
It’s not like I committed a crime?”
(SELENE stops, turning as she gazes into his face.)
SELENE
“Will I put up with your evil
ways? The prognosis is not in
your favor. Lying to me doesn’t
help your case, cheating leaves
me nothing to savor.
RICK
“I will admit it looks a little shady,
I swear, I never had sex with that lady!

(SELENE ignores him, keeps walking.)

RICK CON’T
Sure, sometimes I talk to her,
only when she corners me.
She flirts with whoever closest,
it’s not my fault, hear my plea?”

SELENE turns to answer as two teenagers, PEPE and JOSÉ, wearing
jeans and hoodies, step out from behind a parked car.
8


PEPE
“Gimmie all your fuckin money,
and your pagers too, don’t mess with me!
You better believe what you see!”
RICK fumbles for his wallet. JOSÉ grabs SELENE’S purse.
JOSÉ
(Turning to RICK.)
“C’mon you fucker, get it out!
Better not make me shout!
Move it, we ain’t got all night!
We’re ready in case you want to fight.”

RICK reluctantly hands over his wallet. SELENE begins sobbing. RICK
takes the Motorola pager from his pocket as PEPE whips out a
twelve- inch metal pipe with an angled copper corner at its top.
PEPE
(Pointing the pipe at RICK.)

“Damn faggot, gimmie your car keys too!”
(PEPE grabs the keys and pager from RICK’S hand.)

Where is your fucking car, show me!”

(RICK points to the black BMW parked a few feet away.)
RICK
“There, that black BMW, right here…”

RICK backhands JOSÉ, smashing his fist into the mugger’s face,
knocking him down. RICK turns and swings at PEPE, but misses.
PEPE
“That wasn’t smart, you ugly fucker!”
A sickening thunk as PEPE’S pipe hits RICK’S temple and he falls to
the street. SELENE screams as PEPE and JOSÉ run toward the cars.

JOSE
“we better run, cause I think he’s dead,
there’s a lot of blood coming from his head!”
FADE OUT
9
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Selene and Rick have a heated argument outside of Alessio's Italian Restaurant, discussing Rick's history of cheating and Selene's doubts about his fidelity. The argument escalates when two teenagers, Pepe and José, attempt to rob them. A physical altercation ensues, resulting in Rick being struck with a metal pipe and left unconscious.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional conflict
  • Surprising plot twists
  • Realistic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Sudden introduction of violent crime may feel jarring to some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion, leading to a shocking and impactful climax.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring marital issues, infidelity, and the consequences of betrayal is well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the revelation of character motivations and the introduction of a sudden violent conflict.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the theme of infidelity and trust within a marriage, exploring the characters' conflicting emotions and decisions authentically.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are complex and their conflicting emotions drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

The characters face significant challenges that may lead to internal changes, especially in their relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

Selene's internal goal is to reconcile her love for Rick with the pain of his infidelity and decide whether to trust him again. This reflects her need for love and security while facing her fear of betrayal.

External Goal: 7

Rick's external goal is to convince Selene that he has stopped cheating and to protect her from the muggers. This reflects his immediate challenge of proving his fidelity and ensuring their safety.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters, as well as the sudden external threat, creates a high level of tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the muggers posing a physical threat and challenging the characters' beliefs and actions, creating a sense of danger and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high due to the characters' personal struggles and the sudden threat of violence.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and deepening the existing ones.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the sudden appearance of the muggers and the unexpected turn of events, adding tension and suspense to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the values of love, trust, and fidelity. Selene and Rick struggle with their beliefs about commitment and honesty, leading to a clash of values in their relationship.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' struggles and the sudden violent event.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' inner turmoil and the escalating tension.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense emotional conflicts, moral dilemmas, and the suspenseful encounter with the muggers, keeping the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic confrontation with the muggers and a dramatic turning point in the characters' relationship.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to the standard screenplay format, making it easy to follow and visualize for the reader.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear character interactions and escalating tension, fitting the genre's expectations.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Selene and Rick feels forced and unnatural, lacking depth and authenticity in their emotions and reactions.
  • The introduction of the two teenagers attempting to rob them feels abrupt and disconnected from the initial conflict between Selene and Rick.
  • The transition from a heated argument to a physical altercation with the teenagers is jarring and doesn't flow smoothly.
  • The actions and reactions of the characters, especially Selene and Rick, seem exaggerated and melodramatic, making it difficult for the audience to connect with them.
  • The scene lacks subtlety and nuance in portraying the dynamics of the relationship between Selene and Rick, relying too heavily on cliches and stereotypes.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing more realistic and nuanced dialogue between Selene and Rick to convey their emotions and conflicts effectively.
  • Integrate the attempted robbery subplot more organically into the scene to maintain coherence and relevance to the main storyline.
  • Consider building up the tension and escalation of the conflict between Selene and Rick before introducing the external threat of the teenagers.
  • Work on creating more authentic and relatable character reactions and interactions to make the scene more engaging and believable.
  • Avoid relying on melodrama and cliches, strive for subtlety and complexity in portraying the relationship dynamics between the characters.



Scene 3 -  Rick's Dream
INT. HOSPITAL. NIGHT
fade into RICK waking up in a hospital bed with a startling jolt,
sitting upright gasping. It’s dark outside, SELENE rushes to his side.

RICK
“Wow! where the hell am I?
Is this some damn hospital bed?
My vision’s still a little blurry
and my head feels like I’m dead!
SELENE
“It’s OK now, you’re back here safe.
I knew that you were dreaming.
I heard your voice yell out loud
sounded like you were screaming.
RICK
“Geez Selene, I know I’ve been dreaming,
but, it was so goddamn real!
It felt like I was in ancient Egypt
I couldn’t speak, but I could feel…”
SELENE
“...rick, are you still in pain?
Are your temples still throbbing?
You took a terrible bang in the head
while those two punks were robbing...”
SELENE holds RICK in her arms. He’s sweating profusely.
RICK
“…yes, I remember being robbed
by those two goddamn guys.
But when I woke up, I was in Egypt
at least that’s what I surmised!”
SELENE
“I know, my darling, I know.
But it was only a nightmare.
You were yelling and screaming,
you gave me such a terrible scare!”

RICK
“You know how I love anything Egyptian
from way back, even as a child.
But, I never had a dream like his,
it was vivid, and so very wild.”
SELENE’S trying to comfort him, holds him tighter.
SELENE
“It’s OK darling, you’re safe now,
you’re here in a hospital bed.
You’re completely safe and sound,
except for the bruises on your head.
10


SELENE CON’T
Oh, by the way, they caught the guys,
and a judge held them without bail.
We got everything back that they stole,
before they were carted off to jail.”

SELENE’S pats his sweating face, RICK relaxes, his breath slowing.

RICK
“Unbelievable Selene, I was back in ancient Egypt
thousands of years ago, and maybe even more.
I think I met a queen called Nefertiti,
it was real, like I’d been there before.”
SELENE
“Honey, I’m going to get the nurse,
I’ll just be back in a few minutes.
Just lie back, and relax as best you can.
You’re okay now, you had a good brain scan!”

SELENE leaves. RICK looks up at the clock, it reads 4:16 am.
RICK
“There’s no other way to explain it.
I was there; back in that time.
But that’s not possible, it cannot be.
What the hell just happened to me!

All my life, Egypt’s been on my mind,
so I’m not completely shocked.
It’s just that this kind of experience
could it be a message I’ve unlocked?

Oh yeah, I just remembered,
tomorrow’s an important day.
I’m gonna start a new editing project
that’s all about Egypt, ironic, I’d say.


I wonder now, what’s in store for me,
is the Egyptian film my destiny?
I’ll just have to wait and see
and try to control these thoughts in me.”
FADE OUT:
11


11

Fade in to montage of New York and RICK exiting subway heading to his office.
PENEEB TOE (VO)
“Here I am again, I hope you missed me a little.
Just in case you forgot, or just don’t know,
My given name is Peneeb Toe.
I’m your humble narrator,
for this wonderful excursion.
I promise to keep you informed
of any new developing diversion.
Like now, for example
we’re back to your present time.
Here in New York City,
where you just stood in line.
Come along as Rick heads to work
through New York’s bustling streets.
Broadway, I’m sure you know about,
where just about everyone competes.
It’s a beautiful sunny morning in June,
nineteen sixty seven to be exact.
Rick’s twenty-seven, six feet tall,
fit, attractive, and that’s a fact.
Walking toward forty-fourth Street,
seeing the usual Broadway sights.
Broadway and Seventh Avenues,
Father Duffy’s Square,
with George M. Cohan’s statue standing there.
Turning right on forty-fourth Street,
heading toward Sixth Avenue, briskly.
He stops in front of a hotel sign,
his watch says it’s a quarter to nine.
He takes the elevator up to the second floor.
Where it opens in the reception area
of Forum III Films brand new decor.”


FADE OUT:
12


12
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Mystery"]

Summary Rick awakens in a hospital bed, disoriented and bruised. He recounts a vivid dream of ancient Egypt to his companion, Selene, who comforts him. Rick speculates about the significance of the dream, contemplating whether it's a message or a sign of destiny. As the scene concludes, Rick leaves the hospital and heads to work in New York City.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Intriguing concept
Weaknesses
  • Slightly slow pacing in the hospital setting

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines elements of drama, mystery, and romance, keeping the audience engaged with its emotional depth and intriguing storyline.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the protagonist's dreamlike experience in ancient Egypt while recovering from a traumatic event is unique and captivating.

Plot: 7

The plot unfolds smoothly, transitioning from the hospital scene to the protagonist's reflections on his dream, setting up future events related to an Egyptian film project.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique blend of reality and dream sequences, exploring themes of fate, destiny, and the power of dreams. The authenticity of the characters' emotions and reactions adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, particularly Rick and Selene, show depth and emotion in their interactions, adding layers to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

Rick undergoes a subtle shift in perspective as he reflects on his dream and upcoming film project, hinting at potential character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Rick's internal goal in this scene is to make sense of his vivid dream about ancient Egypt and understand its significance in relation to his life and upcoming project.

External Goal: 7

Rick's external goal is to start a new editing project about Egypt and navigate his thoughts and emotions surrounding the experience of his dream.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict arises from Rick's traumatic experience and his mysterious dream, creating tension and intrigue for the audience.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle, with Rick facing internal conflicts and existential questions rather than external obstacles. The uncertainty surrounding his dream adds a layer of tension and mystery.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not explicitly high in this scene, the emotional impact and potential destiny-related themes raise the stakes for the protagonist.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements related to Rick's Egyptian film project and setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected shift between reality and dream sequences, keeping the audience guessing about the significance of Rick's experiences.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of destiny, fate, and the significance of dreams in relation to one's life path. Rick questions whether his dream is a message or a sign of his destiny.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from anxiety and confusion to hope and reflection, drawing the audience into the characters' experiences.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is introspective and reflective, revealing the inner thoughts and emotions of the characters in a compelling way.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters, the mystery surrounding Rick's dream, and the introspective nature of the dialogue. The reader is drawn into Rick's internal struggles and existential questions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance between introspective moments and dialogue-driven interactions. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in conveying Rick's internal struggles and emotional journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with distinct transitions between dialogue and narrative description. The scene is well-paced and engaging, keeping the reader's attention.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a smooth transition between the hospital setting and Rick's introspective thoughts. The dialogue and actions flow naturally, contributing to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Rick waking up in a hospital bed to him having a conversation with Selene without a clear connection or smooth transition.
  • The dialogue between Rick and Selene feels forced and unnatural, lacking depth and emotional authenticity.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and sensory details to fully immerse the reader in the hospital setting and the emotions of the characters.
  • The pacing of the scene is inconsistent, with sudden shifts in tone and emotion that make it challenging for the audience to fully engage with the characters and their experiences.
  • The dialogue between Rick and Selene could benefit from more subtext and layers of meaning to add depth to their relationship and the unfolding events.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition at the beginning of the scene to connect Rick waking up in the hospital bed to his conversation with Selene.
  • Focus on developing more authentic and emotionally resonant dialogue between Rick and Selene to convey their feelings and experiences more effectively.
  • Enhance the scene with vivid visual descriptions and sensory details to create a more immersive and engaging reading experience.
  • Work on refining the pacing of the scene to ensure a consistent flow of events and emotions that allow the audience to connect with the characters and their journey.
  • Explore adding subtext and layers of meaning to the dialogue between Rick and Selene to deepen their relationship and add complexity to the scene.



Scene 4 -  Documentary Screening Preparation
INT. FORUM III RECEPTION AREA. DAY

Fade into foot-high letters of polished silver on a wood textured
wall above the RECEPTIONIST’S head, it reads; FORUM III FILMS INC.

RICK
(Approaching the desk)
“Is everyone here, are they waiting for me?
Was the donuts and coffee delivered
at the time they were supposed to be?”

RECEPTIONIST
“Yes, Rick, they’re all inside,
breakfast’s there, and the coffee’s hot.
The dailies are in the projection booth,
your clients arrived at nine, on the dot.”

CUT:
To the screening room where the chairs are arranged like a movie
theater. Coffee, donuts, and breakfast sandwiches are being consumed,
while friendly conversation abounds. Upon entering the room, RICK is
greeted with acknowledged affection. Present are HARRY GRABAS, CEO of
Forum III Films, forty-two years old.; mild mannered, bow tie and penny
loafer wearing kind of guy. CARL SWALTER, 40, the Vice-President of
Forum III; he’s lanky and stoop shouldered. ABU EL FARID, 38, dark, and
of Arab descent. He’s dashing and impeccably dressed in a Gucci suit
and shoes. BILL MACKLEBY, also a client, but from the Advertising
agency side; he’s the senior creative director for Transworld
Advertising Agency. BILL’S a rotund, balding man of thirty two, with a
blonde mustache and goatee. BILL’S a jovial, quick-witted and
intelligent man, glib and well read. JOY SEVERO, 20 years old, RICK’S
assistant editor, and SHANI GEDEV, the new intern, 22, an Arabic
beauty. HARRY walks to the front of the room, positioning himself in
front of a large white screen. Everyone stops talking, and turns in
their seats to listen.
HARRY
“Today, we’re here to select
the takes we like the best,
from the dailies shot for this film;
so the editing process can begin.

Transworld Advertising agency’s happily
producing this documentary film
for Egypt’s ministry of tourism,
and for us, that’s one great big win.

Allow me to introduce Abu-el-Farid,
representing our prestigious client.
He’s traveled all the way from Egypt
to bring the documentary’s manuscript.”
The group applauds as ABU walks to the front of the room.
13


13
ABU-EL-FARID
(Middle Eastern accent)
“Thank you harry, I’m truly honored
to be with all of you here today.
I came here to produce a great film
about my Egyptian ancestors and
what they secretly had to say!
(Everyone claps, ABU continues)
The only things missing here
is my lovely wife of six years,
Asere’s her name, and our daughter
Zia, who just turned three,
who I’m sure, right now, is missing me.”

Everyone except CARL SWALTER smiles with respectful laughter.

HARRY GRABAS
“No stranger to anyone here
is Transworld’s creative director,
William Mackleby, the genius we call Bill,
our number one award winner still.”
BILL stands, nodding his head in acknowledgment.
BILL
“Thank you harry, and thank you Abu
for choosing Transworld agency and me.
I promise to create an award winning film,
I feel it in my bones, just you wait and see!
We’ve assembled the very best team
to expose ancient Egypt’s deepest lies.
With Joe Torino directing, and Rick as editor,
we’re bound to reach the deep blue skies!”

Everyone applauds. JOY SEVERO walks up to RICK.
JOY
“Here are the log sheets, Rick
they total exactly twenty three,
all double spaced just as you like.
Everyone’s got a set, plus you and me.”
RICK nods his approval as SHANI approaches.
SHANI
“Do your log sheets represent
all the photographed scenes?
And will you select the best to use,
or is there some other means?”
RICK
“Yes, I’ll be checking off the scenes
that are selected by Abu and Bill.
They select the best scenes to use
you just watch, but be very still.”
14


14
SHANI
“Oh yes, I can barely contain myself,
and thank you for this opportunity.
If you teach me all about film making
one day, I’ll be part of this community?”

The sound of a film projector begins whirring, as the scene fades out.
15


15
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Rick confirms the arrival of clients and materials for the screening of a documentary film about Egypt's history. Harry, the CEO, introduces the attendees, including Abu El Farid (Egypt's ministry of tourism), Bill (creative director), Joy (assistant editor), and Shani (intern). Abu El Farid expresses gratitude, and Bill pledges to create an award-winning film. Joy provides log sheets, and Shani inquires about the selection process. The scene sets a professional and optimistic tone, ending with the projector starting and lights dimming for the screening.
Strengths
  • Well-defined characters
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Positive tone
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant conflict
  • Limited emotional depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets the stage for the film selection process while introducing key characters and establishing a positive and engaging tone.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a film selection meeting for a documentary about ancient Egypt is intriguing and sets the stage for potential conflicts and developments.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the upcoming film project and the selection of key scenes, providing a foundation for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a diverse cast of characters and explores the behind-the-scenes process of film production in a fresh and engaging way. The dialogue feels authentic and the interactions between characters are dynamic.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and each brings a unique personality to the scene, adding depth and interest.

Character Changes: 5

There are subtle hints of character dynamics and potential growth, but no significant changes occur within the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Rick's internal goal is to successfully navigate the meeting with his clients and colleagues, ensuring that the film production process goes smoothly. This reflects his desire for professional success and recognition.

External Goal: 7

Rick's external goal is to impress his clients and colleagues with his editing skills and contribute to the success of the documentary film project. This reflects the immediate challenge of meeting client expectations and delivering a high-quality product.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

While there are hints of potential conflicts and tensions, the scene primarily focuses on cooperation and camaraderie.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the potential conflicts between creative vision and client demands, as well as the interpersonal dynamics between the characters.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on collaboration and creativity rather than high drama or intense conflicts.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key elements of the upcoming film project and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected character dynamics and the potential conflicts that may arise during the film production process.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the balance between artistic vision and commercial success in filmmaking. This challenges Rick's beliefs about the importance of creative expression versus meeting client demands.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes positive emotions and anticipation for the upcoming project, but does not delve deeply into emotional complexities.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging, informative, and reveals the relationships between the characters, setting the tone for future interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between characters, the humor in the dialogue, and the behind-the-scenes look at film production.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and anticipation for the upcoming editing process, with a balance of dialogue and action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a meeting in a film production company, with clear transitions between locations and interactions between characters.


Critique
  • The scene provides a detailed introduction to the characters present, but it may be overwhelming for the audience to keep track of so many new faces at once.
  • The dialogue feels a bit forced and expository, lacking natural flow and authenticity in some parts.
  • The scene lacks a clear central conflict or tension to drive the narrative forward, making it feel more like a series of introductions rather than a cohesive scene.
  • The transition between the reception area and the screening room could be smoother to maintain the continuity of the scene.
  • The visual descriptions are detailed but may be too focused on physical appearances rather than conveying the atmosphere or mood of the setting.
Suggestions
  • Consider introducing the characters gradually to avoid overwhelming the audience with too many new faces at once.
  • Work on making the dialogue more natural and engaging, focusing on creating authentic interactions between the characters.
  • Add a central conflict or tension to the scene to create a more compelling narrative and drive the story forward.
  • Smooth out the transition between locations to maintain the flow of the scene and keep the audience engaged.
  • Balance the visual descriptions with setting the mood and atmosphere of the scene to create a more immersive experience for the audience.



Scene 5 -  Rick's Regression
INT. RICK’S EDITING ROOM. DAY

Fade into RICK, JOY, and SHANI as RICK sits at the flat-bed editing
machine as JOY splices selected film takes. SHANI runs between them
carrying rolls of film. RICK looks at the editing screen on his left,
suddenly his head starts to ache. He stops editing, his eyes blur as
the pain increases.

RICK
“What the hell is going on with me?
I feel worse every goddamn day?
My head’s starting to kill me,
and my stomach gets worse every day.

The editing's going very well
but I’m concerned and worried.
Because I’m not feeling well at all
and my eyes feel somewhat blurried.

I can’t allow this to affect my work,
just gotta stop acting like a baby.
A medical doctor might be in order
to help me fix this damn disorder.

This is not good for me I know,
it’s become hard to edit anymore.
I’m only twenty-seven years old
and nothing like this, ever happened before!”
RICK runs off toward the bathroom.


FADE OUT:
16


16
INT. DR. LORIS’S OFFICE. DAY

Fade in as DR. LORIS and RICK KNIGHT enter her office, she sits in a
padded chair near RICK KNIGHT, who lies down on a leather lounge.
PENEEB TOE (VO)
“Harry Grabas suggested Rick go to see
the noted medical physician, Dr Chan.
That doctor then quickly diagnosed
medicine couldn’t help this young man.
He could tell that what bothered Rick
was something emotional and more deep.
He suggested Rick see the hypnotist
Dr. Loris, to help with rest and sleep.”
DR. LORIS
“You’ve become one of my best patients,
Rick, and I’m happy that you’re here.
You’ve been reaching the Alpha state
without displaying the least bit fear.

In the two weeks here with me,
you’ve accomplished so much more.
I was able, with your help,
to regress you back to the age of four.

Now, with your permission
and continuing lack of opposition.
We can go even deeper now,
so, follow my words very closely,
and listen deeply as I show you how.”

DR. LORIS closes the blinds, shutting out the sunlight. She ignites a
white six-inch candle, and switches off the overhead fluorescents. A
small lamp remains lit on the table ten feet from RICK.
DR. LORIS
“Are you sufficiently comfortable?”
RICK
“Yes, Dr. Loris.”
DR. LORIS
“Take three deep breaths, and slowly exhale,
that will empty your lungs, as you slowly inhale.

DR. LORIS watches as RICK’S chest and stomach move up and down, slowly.

DR. LORIS CON’T
Now, at the count of one,
close your eyes and imagine
a candle flame burning bright.
Focus on it, in your sight.
When I count two, open your eyes,
and look into the candle’s flame.
When I count to three close your eyes,
the flame will get bright and bigger in size.
17


17

RICK complies. DR. LORIS’S voice slows and becomes deeper.

DR. LORIS CON’T
You’ll notice one section of the flame
burns brighter with a white-hot core.
And as I’m speaking slowly to you,
you’ll feel tired and sleepy, even more.

Your eyes will shut and you’ll realize
that you can’t open your eyes.
The flame you see in your mind
are dancing in the dark night skies.

Your limbs are growing heavier,
and your eyelids now shut tight.
You’re drifting off into a deep trance.
Relax, and know, this is right!
You’re going much deeper now,
as you look in the flames hot light,
where you sense a bright blue haze
that makes you smile, with delight.”

Suddenly, RICK sits straight up in the lounge, his eyes open and he
begins speaking in a language DR. LORIS’S never heard before. His
tone’s masterly, imposing, and authoritative.
RICK
(Speaking in Middle Egyptian.)
“NUK PIR AMANU WA’AB PIR-AB WA’AB
KISHAT ANKSHA-A PIR EM TUTT’A-A.”

(I coming forth amen pure of heart within the pure of body I live
through my words.)
DR. LORIS
“Please speak your thoughts in English!”

RICK speaks English, loudly and forcefully to an unseen underling
being admonished. Holding his right hand up, RICK silences the man.

RICK
“You are no better than he,
your family’s no more deserving!
Yet you decided your well being
was more worthy of preserving.
For that transgression, I decree
you shall die by impalement
at sunset on the morrow! Now leave me!”

DR. LORIS
“Where are you this very moment?”

RICK
(Indignantly)
“Here in my throne room at Thebes!”
18


18
RICK’s surprised she doesn’t know who he is. Turning his attention away
from her he begins adjudicating the next person that only he can see.

DR. LORIS
“Go back, go back, further in time,
I will begin to count you down.
You’re an infant now, a newborn baby
back slowly, 100, 99, 98, 97, 98.”

RICK
(Crying out)
“I see hands pushing, grabbing me,
pulling my body in every way!
I see a woman’s bloody hands,
she won’t listen to what I say!”
DR. LORIS
“Where are you, tell me what you see?
I’m here with you now, explain it to me!
Tell me, what you see and feel
describe in detail your ordeal!”

RICK
“I see blackness, no, no, it’s hands,
reaching in, pulling, dragging me out.
It’s me, I can see my umbilical cord
there’s so much pain I need to shout...”
FADE OUT:
19


19
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological Thriller","Historical"]

Summary Rick, a film editor, experiences health problems and seeks help from a hypnotist, Dr. Loris. Under hypnosis, Rick regresses to the age of four and then begins speaking in an ancient language, claiming to be in his throne room at Thebes. Dr. Loris is surprised and tries to bring Rick back, but he resists. She then counts him down to infancy, and Rick begins to recall his birth.
Strengths
  • Engaging exploration of past lives
  • Intense emotional journey for the protagonist
  • Mysterious and suspenseful tone
Weaknesses
  • Sudden shift to ancient Egypt may be disorienting for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is captivating and intriguing, blending elements of drama, psychological thriller, and historical genres effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring past lives and deep subconscious thoughts through hypnosis is innovative and adds depth to the character development.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the exploration of Rick's inner turmoil and past life memories, adding layers to the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique blend of medical and psychological elements, adding depth to the character's journey. The authenticity of the character's actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Rick, are well-developed and their emotional struggles are portrayed effectively.

Character Changes: 8

Rick undergoes a significant transformation as he confronts his past life memories and inner struggles, leading to character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Rick's internal goal in this scene is to address his physical and emotional health issues. His deeper need is to understand the root cause of his symptoms and find a way to overcome them.

External Goal: 7

Rick's external goal is to seek medical help for his health issues. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in dealing with his symptoms and finding a solution.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict within Rick's subconscious and the mysterious past life memories create a high level of tension and intrigue.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Rick facing internal and external challenges that add depth to the narrative and keep the audience guessing.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Rick delves into his subconscious and confronts his past, leading to potential revelations and consequences.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the audience's understanding of Rick's character and setting up potential future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected turn of events as Rick delves into his subconscious mind. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the exploration of the mind and the subconscious. This challenges Rick's beliefs about his own health and the power of the mind in healing.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, especially through Rick's inner turmoil and past life revelations.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and serves the purpose of revealing Rick's inner thoughts and past experiences.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of mystery, introspection, and character development. The dialogue and actions keep the audience intrigued and invested in Rick's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in Rick's journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the visual and emotional elements of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively transitioning between the editing room and the medical office.


Critique
  • The transition from Rick feeling unwell while editing to suddenly seeking help from a hypnotist feels abrupt and disjointed. There needs to be a smoother transition or build-up to this decision.
  • The dialogue in the scene feels a bit forced and unnatural, especially when Rick is expressing his concerns about his health. It could be more subtle and realistic.
  • The use of Middle Egyptian language by Rick during the hypnosis session is intriguing but may be confusing for the audience. It needs to be clearer why he suddenly starts speaking in this ancient language.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and details that could enhance the atmosphere and setting of Dr. Loris's office. Adding more sensory details could make the scene more immersive.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved by balancing the dialogue with more action or visual elements to keep the audience engaged.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief scene or conversation where Rick discusses his worsening health with Selene or a colleague, leading to his decision to seek help from Dr. Loris. This would provide a smoother transition.
  • Work on making the dialogue more natural and reflective of how people would actually speak in such a situation. Focus on conveying Rick's concerns and emotions in a more authentic way.
  • Provide more context or hints as to why Rick suddenly starts speaking in Middle Egyptian during the hypnosis session. This could be tied to his past life regression or a deeper connection to ancient Egypt.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions of Dr. Loris's office, the hypnosis process, and Rick's reactions to create a more vivid and engaging scene for the audience.
  • Consider adding more dynamic elements to the scene, such as physical actions or reactions from Rick, to break up the dialogue and maintain a good pace throughout.



Scene 6 -  A Difficult Birth
INT. EGYPTIAN BIRTHING ROOM. THREE AM

Fade into ancient Egyptian birthing room, circa 1350 BC. HASINA, 18,
is squatting with the shins of her legs resting on two birthing
stones to elevate her above the dry mud floor. Birthing stones
provide a space for the child to drop, they’re hand-made, cut to
seven inches by fourteen inches and decorated with depictions of
Hathor, (Goddess of motherhood) to ensure protection from evil.
Present are SIPHORA, 25, the more experienced midwife, and GLAZA, 20,
her intern, both furtively watching Hasina. Siphora’s gripping her
arms to keep her secure. Suddenly, HASINA screams.

SIPHORA
(Moves to Hasina’s rear, stretching her.)
“OK Hasina, now press down hard
now, with all you’ve got,
Glaza, go see if she’s begun to clot!”

Glaza moves in front of Hasina, squatting. Both midwives show concern
this is not going well. Siphora pushes the birthing stones away with
her feet for better access while Hasina’s crying out in labor.
SIPHORA
(Stretching Hasina, talking to Glaza.)
“She won’t easily drop this baby;
it’s too big, and it’s stuck inside.
Remember, what her father said
would happens to us, if this baby died?

GLAZA
(Trying to grip the fetus.)
“I feel the baby and it’s not moving,
I can’t get a grip to pull it out,
she’s still bleeding, will she die?
Siphora, you come over here and try”
(They switch places.)

SIPHORA
“Keep on pulling the baby, Glaza,
don’t forget we have a vow.
I can feel the baby’s heartbeat
it must come out, and right now!

I will not let this woman die,
we’re too good, you and I.
Tonight will be my twenty seventh birth,
it surely proves what I’m worth!

Siphora’s face suddenly goes blank.

Oh my dear Isis, no, no, no!
I’m feeling the baby’s rear.
This is called a breech birth,
now, we have much more to fear!
20


20
SIPHORA CON’T
Most children born rear first die
e v e n before they’re born.
Only t w i c e in my six years
did I ever have to mourn.

We must not let this woman die.
Her father will have us exiled,
and we both will go hungry.
We dare not lose this baby child!”

Siphora takes an obsidian blade from her bag and begins making short
deft cuts. GLAZA’S applying a cool cloth to Hasina’s face and brow.
Hasina’s head is bobbing back and forth screaming.

HASINA
“Help me oh lord, help me
I cannot bear this pain!
Oh my dearest Adonai!
I’ll never again complain...!
SIPHORA
“Isn’t Adonai the Israelite god?
why would she call on him now?
This is a very bad omen, I think
one our gods will never allow!
Bear down woman, as hard as you can,
keep pushing, good, harder now!
OK, here we go, the baby’s coming
we’re going to save it, this I vow!

Suddenly, the baby begins coming out along with blood and other fluids.

Come around to me, take the baby quickly,
while I cut the belly cord.
Go, get some cloth and wrap it well,
I think it’s safe to feel assured.”

Siphora cuts the umbilical cord and hands the baby to Glaza. Suddenly,
Hasina stops screaming, and goes limp, passing out from exhaustion and
pain. Siphora stuffs swatches of linen from the bed sheets inside
Hasina while Glaza wipes fluids from the baby’s face. The child is
clearly male. Glaza freezes, staring at the infant with a puzzled look,
and then her eyes close in disbelief.

GLAZA
“Oh no, this cannot be
I cannot believe what I see.
Is this real or am I dreaming?
Is this Apophis’s evil scheming?

Siphora, come here quickly
this is something you must see.
I don’t understand how this can be?”
(Siphora comes and examines the baby.)
21


21
SIPHORA
“It’s clearly a boy child
but it’s deformed, I agree.
It’s fingers, hands and feet
are as normal as can be.

I never saw anything like this before
this baby has no foreskin.
A demon’s surely to blame for it
this new life begins with a deadly sin

I wonder what this woman has done,
to make all our gods be offended?
To be born without a foreskin!
This sin cannot be accepted or defended.

He’s a demon child, I can see that now.
He’s an abomination for all to see.
I don’t think he will survive
no god would leave this thing alive.”
FADE OUT:
22


22


Camera pans over the tops of ancient Egyptian village homes and begins to
zoom in on one particular home.
PENEEB TOE (VO)
“The year is 1335 BC, Hasina’s
given birth to a boy, 8 pounds,
6 ounces in weight.
He’ll be named Horemheb, but remain
little known, but then eventually great.

Hasina lives in her in-laws house,
Kames and Hamet are their names.
Hasina’s husband’s name is Khusebek
a temple priest with ambitious aims.
Life is not so grand, right now,
Hasina’s secret’s been exposed.
Her father-in-law’s quite distraught,
over what Hasina’s birth has brought.”
CUT TO
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Midwives Hasina and Glaza struggle to deliver a baby that is too big and stuck inside the mother. Experienced midwife Siphora intervenes and realizes it's a breech birth. Despite her efforts to save the baby, it is born deformed and without a foreskin. Siphora believes it's a demon child and predicts it won't survive.
Strengths
  • Detailed world-building
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Strong thematic elements
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly explanatory

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written, engaging, and sets up intriguing elements for the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of showcasing a challenging childbirth in ancient Egypt is unique and adds depth to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances with the introduction of Horemheb and the potential conflicts surrounding his birth.

Originality: 9

The scene showcases original situations and fresh approaches to childbirth in ancient Egypt, with authentic character actions and dialogue that immerse the audience in the setting.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Hasina, Siphora, and Glaza are well-developed and their actions reveal their beliefs and fears.

Character Changes: 6

The characters face challenges and make decisions that could potentially lead to change in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Hasina's internal goal is to survive the difficult childbirth and ensure the safety of her baby. This reflects her fear of death and desire for motherhood.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully deliver her baby despite the complications. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict of a difficult childbirth and the superstitions surrounding it create high tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing life-threatening complications and conflicting beliefs, creating uncertainty and drama.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of a difficult childbirth and the potential consequences for the characters raise the tension.

Story Forward: 8

The scene introduces a new character and sets up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected complications during childbirth and the characters' reactions, creating suspense and tension.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is evident in the belief systems of the characters, with references to different gods and superstitions. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and empathy for the characters involved.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and urgency of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its high stakes, emotional intensity, and historical context, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, building tension and conflict towards a dramatic resolution.


Critique
  • The scene is vividly descriptive and sets the stage well for the intense birthing process, showcasing the challenges faced by the midwives and the mother.
  • The dialogue between the midwives and Hasina effectively conveys the urgency and tension of the situation, adding to the dramatic impact of the scene.
  • The use of historical and cultural references, such as the birthing stones and the depiction of Hathor, adds depth and authenticity to the scene.
  • The revelation of the deformed male child without a foreskin creates a sense of foreboding and sets up potential conflicts and challenges for the characters.
  • The scene effectively transitions from the intense birthing process to the aftermath, hinting at future complications and conflicts within the family.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more emotional depth to Hasina's character to further engage the audience with her struggles and fears during the difficult birth.
  • Explore the cultural and religious implications of the deformed child further to enhance the themes of superstition and societal norms.
  • Provide more insight into the relationships between the characters, especially Hasina, Siphora, and Glaza, to create a more nuanced and compelling dynamic.
  • Consider incorporating internal monologues or reflections from the characters to deepen their motivations and internal conflicts.
  • Ensure a smooth transition between the birthing scene and the subsequent narrative developments to maintain the momentum and coherence of the story.



Scene 7 -  Kames's Fury
INT. KAMES’S LIVING ROOM. DAY

KAMES, HASINA’S father-in-law, and father to KHUSEBEK, HASINA’S
husband. KAMES’s wife HAMET is seated as her handmaiden stands nearby.

KAMES
(Pacing furiously, yelling.)
“No, it’s utterly impossible!
No, this simply cannot be?
I never heard of anything like this,
how can it, be happening to me?

(Kames paces in circles.)

It’s a magic spell, an abomination;
have Hasina brought to me, now!
I will not allow this in my house,
even if she’s my son’s spouse.”
HAMET
“My dear lord, Kames, please, not now.
Hasina’s weak from her birthing ordeal.
She’s lost so much blood and strength,
give her, at least two more days to heal!”

KAMES
“I don’t care! I’m the senior magistrate,
I decide this town’s ethics and morals.
evil will not long remain secret, and
we’ll be ostracized with endless quarrels.
23


23

KAMES CON’T
Our friends will all shun this house
and you’ll be disgraced too.
Priests won’t accept our offerings.
I must do what I must do!”

Shaking her head sadly, Hamet turns to her handmaiden.
“Napuere, go fetch Hasina
and bring her to the garden.
Go quickly, don’t delay.
Then go to the market square
and be sure you stay far away!”

NAPUERE leaves, HASINA appears at the garden entrance. Clearly
weakened, moving at a slow pace toward the empty seat next to HAMET.
HASINA
“Greetings, and may the gods
smile always upon you,
dear mother and father-in-law.
I apologize for presenting myself to you
in this unflattering state, and very sore!

But why do you summon me?
is there something wrong?
It’s soon time to feed my beautiful baby
he loves when I sing him a happy song.”

KAMES
(Bitter and agitated.)

“Beautiful? Whom do you speak of,
daughter-in-law?
You’ve brought evil into my home,
you cannot stay here anymore!”

HASINA
“What is this all about?
What’s going on here?
I ask that you explain
why none of you have no cheer?”
KAMES
“Your child is an abomination!
A perversity of the most evil kind!
There’s no foreskin on his member,
at least none that we could find.”

HASINA
My baby’s quite perfect, you must be mad?
He’s also the first grandson, you ever had.”
KAMES lifts his right hand, silencing her.
24


24

KAMES
“Your son’s the son of Anubis and Sebek,
two of the worst demons, that I know!
You’ve brought shame unto my house!
You’ve ruined our lives, now you must go!”
HASINA
“Please dear father, try to understand,
the miracle of birth is never planned.
This is not new; I’ve seen it before,
It’s god’s blessing, and so much more.”
KAMES
“God’s blessing? You surely are insane!
Your child is obviously deformed,
He’s not like any of us, therefore
you and your baby cannot remain!”
HASINA
“It is not a deformity, it’s more of a miracle!
He won’t have to undergo the normal ritual.
God has seen to it already, his will be done,
usually, on the eight day of birth, every son…”

Stopping mid-sentence, realizing she made a serious blunder.

KAMES
“…eight days, isn’t that an Israelite ritual?
No, no, this cannot be!
Did you marry my flesh and blood
to make my family a mockery?
Tell me this is not so, say it,
swear it before Amun Re, swear it!”
HAMET reaches out holding his arm trying to calm him.
HASINA
“Dear father, please hear me out.
I speak for both of our families.
Yes, I am an Israelite, both my parents too.
They did reside in the town of Goshen,
where most of us sheepherders usually do.
I had to leave my town and family too,
because I couldn’t watch her dying breath.
The elders accused my mother of adultery,
and then stoned her to a painful death.

As a baby my given name was Davora.
I didn’t change it until I left Goshen.
I then chose the Egyptian name of Hasina
to ease the pain of my deep emotion.”
Some kind of visual effect to suggest reverse time passage.
FADE OUT:
25


25
Genres: ["Drama","Historical"]

Summary Angered by his grandson's uncircumcision, Kames confronts Hasina, accusing her of bringing shame upon the family and revealing that she is an Israelite. Despite Hasina's weak attempts to explain, Kames orders her to leave, leaving her to realize her mistake in revealing her heritage.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Cultural exploration
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is compelling, with strong emotional depth and conflict. It effectively sets up a tense and dramatic situation that leaves the audience wanting to know more.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a woman facing accusations of bringing an 'abomination' into her husband's family due to cultural differences is intriguing and thought-provoking. It raises questions about acceptance, superstition, and the clash of beliefs.

Plot: 7

The plot is engaging, focusing on the conflict between Hasina and her father-in-law Kames over the perceived deformity of her child. It sets up a strong emotional and dramatic foundation for further development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of cultural differences and family dynamics, with a unique blend of Egyptian and Israelite traditions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Hasina and Kames are well-developed and their interactions are intense and emotionally charged. Their conflicting beliefs and values drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

Hasina undergoes a transformation as she stands up for her beliefs and challenges Kames' accusations. This defiance marks a significant change in her character.

Internal Goal: 8

Hasina's internal goal is to defend her child and her own beliefs against the accusations and judgment of her father-in-law. This reflects her need for acceptance, understanding, and the desire to protect her family.

External Goal: 7

Hasina's external goal is to prove her innocence and the legitimacy of her child's birth in order to avoid being ostracized and separated from her family.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Hasina and Kames is intense and drives the emotional core of the scene. It highlights the clash of beliefs and values, creating a compelling narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs and motivations that create a compelling conflict for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Hasina faces the threat of being cast out of her husband's family due to the perceived deformity of her child. The outcome of this conflict will have significant consequences.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major conflict and setting up future developments regarding Hasina's relationship with her in-laws and the cultural tensions at play.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' actions and revelations that challenge the audience's expectations.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between traditional Egyptian beliefs and customs versus personal beliefs and acceptance of diversity. Hasina's Israelite background challenges the societal norms and beliefs of her father-in-law.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly empathy for Hasina and tension due to the conflict with Kames. It leaves a lasting impact on the viewer.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotional turmoil between the characters. It reveals their beliefs, motivations, and the cultural clash they are experiencing.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, dramatic dialogue, and high stakes for the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic confrontation between the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic confrontation, with clear character motivations and escalating tension.


Critique
  • The scene is filled with intense emotions and conflicts, which is engaging for the audience. However, the dialogue feels a bit forced and unnatural at times, especially in Kames's lines which come across as overly dramatic.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved by adding more pauses and moments of silence to allow the tension to build and the emotions to sink in.
  • The transition from Kames's anger to Hasina's calm explanation feels a bit abrupt and could be smoothed out to make the emotional journey more believable.
  • The revelation of Hasina's Israelite heritage and her mother's tragic death is a powerful moment, but it could be enhanced by delving deeper into Hasina's emotions and the impact of her past on her present situation.
  • The visual effect to suggest reverse time passage at the end of the scene is a bit confusing and could be clarified to ensure the audience understands the significance of this moment.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining Kames's dialogue to make it more realistic and less melodramatic.
  • Add more pauses and moments of silence to allow the emotions to resonate with the audience.
  • Smooth out the transition between Kames's anger and Hasina's explanation to make the emotional journey more cohesive.
  • Delve deeper into Hasina's emotions and the impact of her past to create a more compelling and relatable character.
  • Clarify the visual effect at the end of the scene to ensure the audience understands its significance and connection to the story.



Scene 8 -  Clash of Faiths in Kames's Garden
EXT. VILLAGE SQUARE. DAY

Fade in as village town people form a circle around Hasina’s mother
who’s being put into a hole in the ground. Hasina’s present.
PENEEB TOE (VO)
Unfortunately HASINA was there to see
the townspeople dragging her mother
to the stoning place and buried in sand
up to her neck as the law of the land.

As HASINA’S mother cried out in vain,
the people began throwing rocks at her head
HASINA closed her eyes in dread,
and began to run away instead.

HASINA turns in disgust and runs away. Reaching her home crying tears
of love, and feeling the pain of what she saw. She throws the family
menorah against the wall. Two of its arms brake off, HASINA picks up one
of the broken arms to keep as a remembrance.

DISSOLVE:
Back at KAMES’S Garden. Present are HASINA, KAMES, and HAMET.

HASINA
“I could not watch my mother die,
I had to leave right then and there.
My world was changing so quickly,
then god brought me directly here.

I found Khusebek and eventually you,
now I’m a mother, with my own child.
There is no difference between us,
all the gods favor us, they have smiled!

I have renounced the religious dogma of my people,
yet I remain an Israelite in my heart still.
I love all people, yours, and mine, and I always will”

KAMES
(With ultimate authority)
“I will not have you or your offal
my house, you are beyond salvation!
You sheepherders are nothing like us.
You breed like rats, you’re an abomination!”
HASINA
“Father, please allow me to explain
your words are simply not true!
We all come from the same heritage,
no matter what you say or what you do!”
KAMES
“Nothing that you can say
will ever change my mind.
For me, you don’t exist,
you or your filthy kind!”
26


26
He turns to pour more beer and drinks heartily.

HASINA
“The story you know about the man Joseph
and his robes of many colors, basically is true,
except for some details purposely left out
by the priests, facts that leave no doubt!
Joseph’s dream interpretations for pharaoh Amenhotep
the third, were so exact and true,
he became an important source of knowledge,
advising pharaoh with everything he knew!
Pharaoh elevated him to first vizier.
Above all of Egypt's royal class.
He didn’t do that frivolously, believing
Joseph surely would surpass.
Pharaoh allowed Joseph to invite his family
to live in Goshen, where he would provide.
Pharaoh Amenhotep married Joseph’s sister Tiye,
and Joseph became pharaoh when Amenhotep died.
Joseph, as pharaoh changed his name to Yuya.
Amenhotep the 3rd, and his wife Tiye had a son;
they named him Amenhotep fourth, or Akhenaten,
the pharaoh you call heretic, the one that you shun!”

Screen fades out and fades back in flickering to show reversal of time.
KAMES, now alone is peeking at HASINA in the bathing room. KAMES then
gouges a small hole in the wall to spy on HASINA. He fondles himself.
Screen fades out and back into the present home of KAMES. Suddenly,
KAMES becomes aware that HASINA’S still speaking.

HASINA CON’T
“Everyone knew Yuya was an Israelite,
and that was commonly accepted.
Yuya was revered during his reign his
family of 70 was allowed to remain.”

KAMES
“Are you done? now you listen to me!
No pharaoh ever acknowledged your kind!
You people have been outcasts to this day.
Your ideas are insane; and I care not what you say!
We are pure Egyptians, no Israelites in our line.
If you want to remain alive, you and your child
must leave my home, and this town as soon as possible.
You are no longer wanted here. You are reviled!
You must go before dawn’s light,
take your evil offspring and leave.
If you remain, I will kill you both,
no one here will grant you a reprieve!”
HASINA begins to cry. HAMET’s tears run down her face.
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27
HASINA
(Mesmerized, thinking out loud.)
“What will happen when my Khusebek gets home?
Will he reject the baby and me?
I honestly don’t think so, but we shall see.
Does he love me enough to give up his parents?
Will his priesthood be affected?
Does he have the perseverance?”

HASINA stands motionless, devastated, she begins to pee; urine running
down her legs pooling at her feet.
KAMES
“I should have you killed
and I still may, I'm not sure.
I dissolve your marriage now,
you’re pure evil, and there is no cure!

Also, my son is no longer your husband
or father to that evil force.
Collect your baby and begone,
remember always, your remorse!”
Sobbing profusely, HASINA turns and hobbles out of the garden.
FADE OUT:
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28
Genres: ["Drama","Historical"]

Summary Witnessing her mother's stoning, Hasina flees to Kames's garden, revealing her Israelite heritage. She challenges Kames's racist views, recounting Joseph's rise in Egypt. Unmoved, Kames orders her to leave before dawn, threatening death if she remains, leaving Hasina devastated as she exits the garden in tears.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Strong character interactions
  • Revealing dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally charged, with strong character interactions and significant revelations that drive the plot forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of family secrets, societal rejection, and historical connections is well-developed and adds depth to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the emotional conflicts and revelations, setting up future developments in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on historical figures and events, blending elements of mythology and history to create a unique narrative. The authenticity of characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their emotions and motivations drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 8

Hasina undergoes a significant emotional change as she faces rejection and reveals her true identity.

Internal Goal: 8

Hasina's internal goal is to reconcile her past trauma and pain with her present circumstances, including her identity and relationships. She seeks understanding, acceptance, and peace within herself.

External Goal: 7.5

Hasina's external goal is to navigate the conflict with her father and protect herself and her child from harm. She must make a decision about her future and her relationship with her husband.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Hasina and Kames is intense and drives the emotional tension of the scene.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Hasina facing intense conflict and threats from her father. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding suspense and drama to the scene.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Hasina faces rejection from her father and potential loss of her family.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing important family secrets and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the dialogue and character interactions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between Hasina's belief in unity and love for all people, and her father's rigid beliefs in purity and exclusion. This challenges Hasina's values and worldview, forcing her to confront the intolerance and hatred of her father.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' struggles and revelations.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful, revealing character dynamics and emotional depth.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, dramatic conflict, and the protagonist's internal and external struggles. The dialogue and actions keep the audience invested in Hasina's journey.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, allowing for moments of reflection and intensity. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and descriptive elements.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, conflict, and resolution. It effectively conveys the protagonist's internal and external struggles.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Hasina witnessing her mother's stoning to her confrontation with Kames, which may be disorienting for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Hasina and Kames feels a bit forced and lacks subtlety in conveying the conflict between them.
  • The character of Kames comes across as one-dimensional and stereotypical in his hatred towards Hasina and her Israelite heritage.
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and nuance in exploring the complex relationship dynamics between Hasina, Kames, and Hamet.
  • The visual elements could be enhanced to create a more immersive and engaging setting for the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between the stoning scene and Hasina's confrontation with Kames to improve the flow of the narrative.
  • Work on refining the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' emotions and motivations.
  • Develop Kames' character further to add depth and complexity to his motivations and actions.
  • Explore the emotional turmoil and internal conflicts of Hasina, Kames, and Hamet to create a more compelling and relatable scene.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a vivid and immersive setting that complements the emotional intensity of the scene.



Scene 9 -  A Father's Curse
INT. HASINA’S BEDROOM. NIGHT

Fade into HASINA’S and KHUSEBEK’S bedroom. KHUSEBEK’S, wearing priest’s
white robes as he rushes into the room toward HASINA who’s sitting on
the bed. She rises holding the baby and runs toward him.
KHUSEBEK
(Panting, kissing, and hugging her.)

“Are you OK, is the baby all right?
I’m so sorry I couldn't be here
to protect you, and our child.
My priestly duties kept me there...”

HASINA
(Lifting the baby to his face.)

“…look! You see? He’s perfect,
absolutely perfect in every way!
Husband, look closely down there,
he has no foreskin, but it’s OK.
Your father wants us gone
as quickly as can be!
Never, ever, to come back here,
the baby, you and especially me”
KHUSEBEK
(Shocked, interrupts her.)
“…no, you must be mistaken.
he’s a devoutly religious man.
He wouldn’t do that to my family,
he wouldn’t enforce such a ban.”
HASINA
“But he already has, he’s serious,
he believes our baby’s cursed!
He wants us to get out, tonight!
As soon as the baby’s nursed.”
KHUSEBEK places the baby on the bed, and begins examining him.

“No Hasina, you must have
misunderstood what he meant.
Maybe he was just upset,
and needed to release or vent.
Yes, he looks quite perfect.
Not one blemish do I see.
But, to be born without a foreskin,
that’s an unusual one to me.”

HASINA
“I know all about it, dear Khusebek,
but it will never affect his life,
or be a source of difficult strife.
It’s the Israelites your father hates.
Me, and our baby too.
He just won’t listen to reason,
no matter what I say or what I do.”
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29
KHUSEBEK
“Israelites? What’s that got to
do with any of this?
Is there something I don’t know about,
something terribly amiss?
Tell me Hasina, what really happened?
Why was there such a commotion?
My father wouldn’t curse our baby
he’s a man of deep devotion!
You say he called our baby cursed.
Why in Amun’s name would he?
There must be something that I missed?
If there is, please quickly tell me?”

HASINA

“Oh, my husband, listen closely,
for the truth tears apart my heart.
Yes, I’m from an Israelite tribe.
I should have told you from the start.
I never mentioned it to yo
because you’d know I lied.
I was afraid you’d reject me and our
baby, to take your father’s side.”
KHUSEBEK
(Shocked, lifts his hands to his head.)

“This is far too much for me to digest,
right this very minute!
I want you to explain, exactly
how you became so involved in it.”

HASINA
“I escaped from my tribe in Goshen,
where my mother was stoned alive.
I was an Israelite up until that moment
my given name Davora did not survive.”

(The room is deadly quiet for a brief moment.)

KHUSEBEK
(Gets up resolved)
“Okay, Amun Re will resolve this;
I know it deep inside my heart.
My father will come around;
he’s not cruel, he’s very smart!”
HASINA
“I don’t think so,
he has a fear of us Israelites.
He believes they’re eternally cursed.
For you and I, nothing could be worse!”
30


30
KHUSEBEK
“He’s never met an Israelite,
but then, neither have I.
It is said all non-believers
of Amun Re would surely die!”
HASINA
“Are you afraid of Israelites too?
Are you afraid of me?
your baby’s an Israelite too,
because he’s born from me.”
KHUSEBEK
“Amun Re will fix everything,
have no fear, my dear wife!
I love you with all my heart.
This baby completes our happy life!”

(Suddenly KHUSEBEK rises, shouting.)

“Oh my god, by the magnificent beard of Amun Re,
I just realized; our baby’s not yet named;
it’s up to me now, as his father,
to have the final say!”

He laughs, lifts the baby, looking deeply into its eyes.

“What do you think of naming him Hokarheb,
it has both our initials, right?
Or how about Horemheb, it means
Horus is in jubilation,
to me, that sounds most regal and right”.
HASINA
“I don’t think so, it’s too long.
How about Honza, that’s short;
and it means god is merciful
or something of the sort?”

KHUSEBEK
(Shaking his head negatively)
“That’s not bad, but it sounds like
an Israelite name, don’t you agree?
We need something to celebrate
pharaoh’s upcoming jubilee.”

HASINA
“I’m so sorry, you’re quite right!
Horemheb, hum, I do like that,
it sounds royal to my ear,
and we both agree, it has a flair.”
KHUSEBEK
“Then, it’s settled, Horemheb it shall be,
now and forever! Today, this I do decree!”
DISSOLVE
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31
Genres: ["Historical Drama"]

Summary Khusebek rushes to his wife Hasina's side as she holds their newborn baby. Hasina reveals that their father has cursed them and wants them gone because the baby lacks a foreskin and Hasina is an Israelite. Khusebek is shocked and examines the baby, assuring Hasina he appears perfect. Hasina explains her father's hatred for Israelites and demands they leave immediately. Khusebek questions his father's actions, leading Hasina to disclose her Israelite heritage. Khusebek remains steadfast in his love for Hasina and the baby, deciding to name him Horemheb, but the conflict with his father remains unresolved.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Historical authenticity
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly expository
  • Complex family dynamics may be challenging for some viewers to follow

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally impactful, with strong character development and significant revelations. The dialogue is engaging, and the tension is palpable, keeping the audience invested in the unfolding drama.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring identity, family dynamics, and societal prejudices in a historical setting is compelling and well-executed. The scene effectively integrates historical elements with personal narratives, creating a rich and immersive story.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through significant revelations and character interactions. The conflict between characters and the resolution of long-standing tensions drive the narrative forward, setting the stage for future developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on cultural and religious themes, blending historical elements with personal drama. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and nuanced, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters undergo profound emotional journeys, confronting their pasts and making pivotal decisions. Their interactions are authentic and reveal layers of complexity, adding depth to the story.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in this scene, confronting their pasts, revealing secrets, and making life-altering decisions. These transformations drive the narrative forward and set the stage for future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

Hasina's internal goal is to reveal her true identity as an Israelite to her husband and seek acceptance and understanding. This reflects her need for honesty, acceptance, and connection with her husband.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to convince her husband and father-in-law to accept her and her baby despite their beliefs about Israelites. This reflects the immediate challenge of familial acceptance and cultural differences.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, including personal struggles, familial tensions, and societal prejudices. These conflicts drive the emotional intensity and character development, creating a compelling narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs, cultural prejudices, and family dynamics creating obstacles for the protagonist. The audience is unsure of how the characters will resolve their differences.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in this scene as characters confront their pasts, reveal long-held secrets, and make decisions that will impact their futures. The resolution of conflicts and the revelation of personal truths raise the stakes for the characters involved.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by resolving long-standing conflicts, revealing important truths, and setting up future plot developments. It advances the narrative while deepening character relationships and motivations.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelation of Hasina's true identity and the conflicting reactions of the characters. The audience is kept on edge as the story unfolds.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around religious beliefs, cultural prejudices, and family loyalty. Hasina's identity as an Israelite challenges her husband's and father-in-law's beliefs, leading to a clash of values and worldviews.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through its poignant dialogue, character revelations, and intense conflicts. The audience is deeply invested in the characters' struggles and resolutions, creating a powerful emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is poignant, revealing deep emotions, conflicting beliefs, and personal histories. It effectively conveys the characters' inner turmoil and drives the narrative forward through engaging conversations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, dramatic tension, and historical context. The conflict between characters and the revelation of secrets keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, allowing for emotional moments to resonate and conflicts to unfold naturally. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and conflicts. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the emotional impact of the dialogue and actions.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and direction, jumping between different topics without a cohesive thread.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, lacking depth and emotional authenticity.
  • The revelation of Hasina's Israelite heritage and the conflict with Kames could be more effectively portrayed with stronger emotional beats and character development.
  • The resolution of the conflict between Hasina and Khusebek feels rushed and lacks a satisfying conclusion.
  • There is a need for more subtlety and nuance in the portrayal of the characters' emotions and reactions.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing a central conflict or theme that drives the scene forward and creates tension.
  • Work on refining the dialogue to make it more realistic and reflective of the characters' emotions and motivations.
  • Explore the dynamics between Hasina, Khusebek, and Kames in more depth to add complexity to their relationships.
  • Consider building up the tension and drama leading to the resolution of the conflict to create a more impactful and satisfying conclusion.
  • Pay attention to the subtleties of the characters' emotions and reactions to make the scene more engaging and relatable.



Scene 10 -  Attack in the Desert
EXT. EGYPTIAN DESERT. NIGHTTIME
HASINA sits with the baby asleep in her arms. KHUSEBEK’S busy
preparing food.
PENEEB TOE (VO)
“Hamet has prepared foods to last
the four days it would take,
to reach the town of Tell Belim.
and the new life they would make.
They traveled by night when it’s cooler
and sleep during the hot hours of the day.
Being always on the lookout
for those desert thieves that prey.”

KHUSEBEK roasts two pieces of goat meat over a fire, while HASINA
breastfeeds the baby. KHUSEBEK is filled with love for his wife.
KHUSEBEK
“I love you my dear Hasina
from the moment I first saw you.
And then when I heard you say.
he’s the handsomest one, I’ve seen today.
You and your friends giggled as I blushed,
yet somehow I got the strength to speak,
and then my heart began feeling weak.”
HASINA
“I remember it well, dear Khusebek,
meeting like that is not accidental.
It happened for a very good reason,
to make us both so sentimental”
KHUSEBEK
“Then answer me why Amun Re chose our son
to be born without a foreskin?
Is that god’s punishment for marrying me?
Is it the price we must pay to be free?”
HASINA
“No, of course not, my sweet.
God loves all his followers.
Can you conceive of one god alone
and pray to him as your very own?”

KHUSEBEK
“Hasina, I am a sworn Wab priest.
I’ve devoted my entire life to Amun Re.
The gods chose you to be my wife,
from now on, till the end of life.

We should not speak of this anymore!
I respectfully ask you to comply.
Get some rest, you and our baby
beneath this beautiful twinkling sky.”
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32
Hasina lies down snuggling the baby and goes to sleep. KHUSEBEK
reaches into a sack on the donkey’s back, takes out HASINA’S broken
menorah arm, and a statue of Amun Re. He begins forcibly jamming one
into the other, making a sturdy and permanent bond. Satisfied with his
new talisman, KHUSEBEK covers himself and goes to sleep.
FADE OUT:
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33
HOREMHEB
EXT. DESERT. EARLY MORNING

Fade in HASINA, KHUSEBEK, and baby Horemheb lie asleep near a fire with
its embers glowing. Sand dunes are visible all around them. The sound
of a camel braying is heard off in the distance, it wakes KHUSEBEK. He
rises to wake HASINA. She stirs rubbing her eyes.
HASINA
“Why are you up so early?
I’d like to sleep some more.
Your son and I are feeling chilled.
I need more rest to replenish
all the milk that he’s spilled.

Another camel’s braying assures her that travelers are near. HASINA
suckles Horemheb.
HASINA CON’T
Father of my son, prepare what’s left
of our beer and bread for those
who are about to visit.
We must graciously offer them
our warm and loving spirit.”

A group of nine men and three women appear on a sand dune ten feet
away. Some astride camels, some on sheep as they move closer.
KHUSEBEK feels fear in his stomach. He must protect HASINA and
Horemheb whatever the cost. Accepting the benefit of the doubt, he
chooses to be priestly and gracious.

KHUSEBEK
“Good morning fellow travelers,
in Amun Re’s holy name.
Come rest your weary souls,
and be welcomed without shame.”

MUKTAR, a dark, swarthy man in his thirties, bald without eyebrows,
5’9’’ 120 pounds with a full unkempt black beard, he sings.
MUKTAR
“Greetings desert dwellers
I am known as Muktar!
We are the Ab’azame’ Ali.
You are very fortunate today,
I vow it, it shall be as I say!

Hearing their name, the tribe yells UGGHHHH in unison.
MUKTAR CON’T
(Laughing)
We take deep pride in our small group,
we help those who’ve lost their way.
We’re here to protect you and your family
from becoming, common desert prey.”
KHUSEBEK’S surprised at his verbal gentility.
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34
HOREMHEB
KHUSEBEK
“And may I bless your journey
in the name of Amun Re?
We’re here to provide god’s love,
and help you on your way.”
MUKTAR
“Yes, priest, and I thank you.
But, I ask what brings you here
to this part of the desert,
where people usually disappear?”
KHUSEBEK
“We journey to the temple of Amun Re,
two days travel from today’s noon.
That’s where most of our family lives.
They’re expecting us there very soon.”
MUKTAR
(Signals for Nebhet)
“This is Nebhet, my number one,
and the best love of my life.
She’s unable to give me children,
but she’s an excellent midwife!”

NEBHET moves closer watching HASINA breastfeed. NEBHET’S 19, she looks
forty with sun wrinkled skin and gnarled fingers. Barren, thin and
anemic, NEBHET pulls the baby’s mouth from HASINA’S breast.
NEBHET
“What a beautiful baby,
is it a girl or a boy?
It’s small enough to become
a doting mother’s toy!”

Shocked by the woman’s brazen action, HASINA clutches her baby.

HASINA
“...his name is Horemheb,
a newborn child of Amun Re.
He’s mine alone, hear clearly what I say!

Cradling her baby to her chest, HASINA rises, moving nearer to KHUSEBEK.
HASINA CON’T
(To Muktar)

What do you want of us?
We ask no help of you.
We travel in peace and
bother no one, like you do!”
35


35
HOREMHEB
MUKTAR
(Smiling broadly)

“It is to your good fortune we
of the Ab’azame’ Ali found you before
the vicious thieves of the desert
rob and kill you, that’s for sure!”
KHUSEBEK
(Pleading)
“Please, take what you want,
and then let us be.
We’re a peace loving,
and god fearing, family.”

NEBHET’S watches HASINA covetously as she presses the infant closer.
NEBHET
“Can I hold the child; it’s been so very long.
I want to sing him my favorite desert song?”
HASINA
“No, no, my child is ill, he has the plague,
he coughs up blood dark and very thick.
If I were to let you hold him
you surely would get deathly sick!”

NEBHET
(Reaching for the child.)
“I am a natural healer of illness,
and of most new babies too.
I know I can fix him perfectly
I’m very good at what I do.”

HASINA turns, handing the baby to KHUSEBEK. He rises and begins running
away, he’s stopped by a large brutish man blocking his path.

MUKTAR
(Yelling)
“Enough! We wish you no harm!
Share your blankets and your beer,
then we’ll leave you in peace!
Believe me, you need have no fear!

But you must agree not to run away,
for that would make me mad.
Then I would have to hurt you
by doing something bad!...”
KHUSEBEK
“…master, I am a Wab priest
of the almighty god Amun Re.
I offer you my life,
if you’ll release my son and wife?”
36


36
HOREMHEB
MUKTAR
(Laughing)
“I am your god, priest!
there is no god, but Muktar.
Amun Re does not rule here,
it’s me alone, that you must fear!
Sit down now, and shut your mouth,
or I will kill you and your son!
You tire me with your pleading
and therefore deprive me of my fun.”

All hope gone, KHUSEBEK sits as HASINA jumps up grabbing Horemheb
from KHUSEBEK’S arms and runs from the group. KHUSEBEK follows but
he’s quickly stopped by the man guarding him. HASINA, turns to see
MUKTAR stab KHUSEBEK, his body falls. HASINA stops running, her mouth
agape, but no sound emanating from her lips. Regaining her composure,
she takes off again, running for her life. The scorching desert sun
slows Hasina as she turns looking back with NEBHET following. Leaping
over a small dune, HASINA scoops out a space in the sand, shoving
Horemheb into it trying to smother him before NEBHET can reach her.
Instantly, the baby’s crying ceases. HASINA feverishly continues
piling on the sand, until suddenly she feels a smashing blow on her
back, then a hot searing stabbing pain tearing at her insides. She
stops and falls backward, looking up she sees NEBHET standing over
her with a bloodied dagger in her hand. NEBHET plunges the dagger
deep into HASINA’S stomach.
HASINA
(bellows)
“UGGHHHHHHH.”
Again, NEBHET stabs her stomach again and again. HASINA feels less pain
with each thrust. She knows she’s dying. She sees Horemheb’s face as
everything starts to fade to darkness.

FADE OUT:
37


37
HOREMHEB
Genres: ["Drama","Historical","Tragedy"]

Summary Hasina and Khusebek are traveling through the desert with their newborn son, Horemheb, when they are attacked by Muktar and his followers. Muktar demands their belongings, which Khusebek refuses, leading to his death. Hasina flees with Horemheb but is pursued by Nebhet, who stabs her fatally. Before dying, Hasina buries Horemheb in the sand for protection.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Effective portrayal of conflict
  • Engaging plot development
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence may be disturbing to some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, emotional, and impactful, with a tragic outcome that leaves a lasting impression on the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a peaceful family encountering a dangerous desert tribe, leading to a tragic confrontation, is well-executed and engaging.

Plot: 9

The plot is gripping, with escalating tension, high stakes, and a tragic resolution that drives the emotional impact of the scene.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the familiar theme of survival in a harsh environment, adding layers of cultural and religious complexity. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with clear motivations and reactions to the escalating conflict, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant changes in their circumstances and beliefs due to the tragic events, leading to emotional growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect his family and maintain his faith in Amun Re despite the challenges they face. This reflects his deeper need for security and belief in his religious convictions.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to survive the encounter with the Ab'azame' Ali tribe and protect his family from harm. This reflects the immediate circumstances of being threatened by the travelers in the desert.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

The conflict between the peaceful family and the dangerous desert tribe reaches a peak, resulting in a tragic and violent confrontation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the Ab'azame' Ali tribe posing a significant threat to the protagonist family. The audience is kept in suspense about the outcome, adding to the tension.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high, with the characters' lives on the line in a life-or-death situation that culminates in tragedy.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major conflict, escalating tension, and setting the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden shift from a peaceful encounter to a violent confrontation, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's belief in Amun Re and the tribe's assertion of power and control over them. This challenges the protagonist's values and worldview, forcing him to question his faith and principles.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, sadness, and shock, leaving a profound impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotions of the characters, enhancing the dramatic impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, dramatic stakes, and vivid imagery. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and the unfolding tragedy.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of tragedy. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and conflict, leading to a tragic climax. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of tension and suspense leading up to the attack by Muktar and his group. The transition from a peaceful moment to a sudden attack feels abrupt and could benefit from more buildup.
  • The dialogue between the characters, especially Hasina and Muktar, could be more dynamic and engaging. It feels a bit flat and could use more emotional depth to convey the gravity of the situation.
  • The actions and reactions of the characters, particularly Hasina and Khusebek, could be more nuanced and reflective of their emotions. There is a lack of internal conflict and complexity in their responses to the threat posed by Muktar.
  • The visual descriptions could be more vivid and immersive to create a stronger sense of setting and atmosphere. The scene could benefit from more sensory details to enhance the reader's experience.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved to create a more gradual escalation of tension and suspense, leading to a more impactful climax.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more foreshadowing and buildup to the attack by Muktar and his group to create a sense of impending danger.
  • Enhance the dialogue to make it more emotionally resonant and reflective of the characters' internal struggles and conflicts.
  • Focus on the characters' reactions and responses to the threat posed by Muktar to add depth and complexity to their interactions.
  • Enrich the visual descriptions to create a more immersive and vivid setting that enhances the atmosphere of the scene.
  • Work on the pacing of the scene to ensure a gradual escalation of tension and suspense leading to a more impactful climax.



Scene 11 -  Conflict in the Tribal Village
EXT. ANCIENT EGYPTIAN TRIBAL VILLAGE DAY
Fade in to the nomadic tribe of Ab’azame Ali; seven year old Horemheb
getting his first horse, and plays with his old talisman.

PENEEB TOE (VO)
“Before any Bedouin tribes,
nomad groups were rife,
preying upon weary travelers
in the Negev and Sinai deserts,
always wreaking fear and strife.

The Ab’azame’ Ali tribe was clearly
one of the more vicious.
They were feared and cruel,
and well known to be pernicious.

Desert clothing had to be layered
with loose fitting robes
to catch the faintest breeze.
The heat sent men to their knees.

They lived in tents made of goat
and camel hair, woven into sections,
and stitched together for strength
and fixing minor imperfections.

Seven years have now passed
and Hormeheb has grown
into a strapping, viral youth,
and with a heart made of stone.

Horemheb was taught to ride a camel,
goat, donkey, and small horses.
Being the son of Muktar meant
he had no other bosses.

Soon, he became excellent at war games,
with wooden swords and knives.
A small bow was made for him,
adding archery as an important prize.

Wrestling was one of his favorite things.
He began to enjoy the feel and smell
of other men’s bodies.
He preferred men, he could tell!

On the day of his seventh birthday,
Muktar gave him a beautiful black pony,
which he promptly named Rashad,
and vowed to love it only.

Young Horemheb didn’t play with toys
he preferred the physical feel,
of the amulet showing Amun Re
small enough to easily conceal.
38


38
HOREMHEB

Nebhet, the only mother he ever knew
he reasoned had given him the amulet too.
He would kiss it up to the sky,
usually bringing a tear to his eye.

Rashad became his favorite horse,
second only to the talisman of Amun Re.
But, that was not for very long,
for soon he began feeling another way.”
FADE OUT
39


39
HOREMHEB
EXT. TRIBAL ENCAMPMENT. NIGHT

Fade in to HOREMHEB now 8, as he comes running out of Muktar’s tent
holding his crotch looking for a suitable dune to pee. The stars
provide sufficient light while the tribe still sleeps. Finding a high
dune, he runs behind it and urinates. His eyes closed shut as he lifts
his head skyward with a great sigh of relief. Suddenly, SETAMEN, 9, son
to one of MUKTAR’S body guards appears at the opposite end of the dune.
SETAMEN
(Laughing)
“Horemheb, you too?
I barely made it out here,
I’m still peeing on myself,
It must have been the beer!”
Horemheb doesn’t answer; his eyes remain closed emptying his bladder.
Finally, he sees Setamen staring at the lower part of his body.

HOREMHEB
“Hey Setamen, what are you looking at?
Setamen doesn’t answer, his eyes slowly lift to meet Horemheb’s.
HOREMHEB CON’T
“From the moment I saw you
on that dark and windy morn.
Something happened deep inside
it made me feel reborn.

I can’t explain it, it’s new to me,
something inside just became free.
You felt it too, I could see.

It happened to both of us
at the same time and place.
But, why today at this time,
and in this open space?

I never before felt anything like this,
we’ve been friends for quite a while.
We sometimes wrestled, I always won
you gave in to me with that big smile.

I can’t explain it, it’s new to me
something inside just became free.
I have a feeling, you felt it too,
I could see. it was something new.”

Salakim, a camp guards suddenly appears, old, toothless, and bald. A
scar from his left eye to his cheek settling in his scruffy beard.
SALAKIM
“Hey, what’s going on here?
what are you boys doing?
Ahhaa, I see it clearly now
I caught you two wooing!
40


40
HOREMHEB

You know I could tell on you,
and say I saw you touch.
I’m sure both your fathers
wouldn’t like that very much.”
Brazenly, Horemheb walks closer, invading Salakim’s space.
HOREMHEB
“What do you want, old man?
I suggest you leave here
now, as fast as you can!”

SALAKIM
“Just a few brief minutes of your time!
let me touch you, while you touch mine.”
Horemheb punches Salakim’s face, caching him off guard and knocking
him to the ground. Horemheb turns running to Muktar’s tent yelling.
HOREMHEB
“Father, father, wake up, come quickly!
Hurry, father, Salakim has attacked us.
Help us father, help me!
Salakim’s become our new enemy.”

As Horemheb’s screams get louder the camp begins stirring. Camels bray,
people yell, running haphazardly, thinking they’re under attack.
MUKTAR
(Exits his tent yelling)

“Stop, everybody, stop, I tell you,
calm down and listen to me!
No one attacking us, can’t you see?”
GUARD ONE
“…there’s been a fight!”

GUARD TWO
“…it’s your son Muktar!”

(People are still yelling and screaming.)

TRIBESMAN ONE
“What happened, who is it?”

TRIBESMAN TWO
“…are we being attacked...?”

MUKTAR
“…silence! Silence, or I’ll cut out
all your tongues!
Bring them here in front of me,
so I can see what’s come to be!”

Tribesmen drag all three before Muktar, near the fire at the camps
center. Horemheb breaks free and runs to his father.
41


41
HOREMHEB

“Father, Salakim touched me here,
he fondled Setamen and me!
He molested us, he’s disgusting,
he defies the Ab’azame Ali!”
Setamen’s crying, Salakim’s rubbing his jaw. Muktar draws a scimitar and
runs Salakim through his body.
MUKTAR
“Now, all of you, back to sleep! Tomorrow’s a busy day!
Nothing worth seeing here, to your tents everyone, as I say!”
Muktar heads back to his tent holding Horemheb’s shoulders.
FADE OUT:
42


42
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Drama"]

Summary In an ancient Egyptian village, Horemheb's birthday celebration takes a dramatic turn when Salakim harasses him and his friend. A confrontation ensues, leading to Salakim's death at the hands of Horemheb's father, Muktar, restoring order to the tribe.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Complex character relationships
  • Taboo exploration
Weaknesses
  • Potential for triggering content
  • Complexity of themes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, emotionally impactful, and sets up intriguing conflicts and character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring taboo themes in a historical setting while delving into complex character relationships is well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot is rich with conflict and tension, especially with the revelation of abuse and the subsequent confrontation.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on traditional tribal settings by exploring themes of sexuality, identity, and societal expectations. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and resonate with the audience.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions drive the emotional core of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional changes, especially with the revelation of abuse and the subsequent confrontation.

Internal Goal: 8

Horemheb's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with his emerging feelings towards Setamen and his own sexuality. This reflects his deeper desires for acceptance, understanding, and self-discovery.

External Goal: 7

Horemheb's external goal is to protect himself and Setamen from Salakim's inappropriate advances and maintain the honor of the tribe. This reflects the immediate challenge of confronting a threat to their safety and reputation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters, especially regarding the abuse revelation, is intense and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Salakim serving as a formidable threat to Horemheb and Setamen. The audience is left uncertain of how the characters will navigate the situation and overcome the challenge.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high with the revelation of abuse, leading to a dramatic confrontation and potential consequences for the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the characters and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, the revelation of Horemheb's feelings, and the shocking confrontation with Salakim. The audience is kept on edge and unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between traditional tribal values and individual identity and freedom. Horemheb's realization of his feelings challenges the strict societal norms and expectations of the tribe.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, particularly with the themes of abuse and betrayal.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and tension between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, character dynamics, and escalating conflict. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of introspective moments, dialogue exchanges, and action sequences. It maintains a sense of tension and momentum throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It is easy to follow and visually engaging.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear transitions, character introductions, and escalating tension. It effectively builds towards a climactic confrontation.


Critique
  • The scene introduces the character of Horemheb at a young age in an ancient Egyptian tribal village, showcasing his interactions with other tribe members and his first horse.
  • The dialogue and interactions between Horemheb, Setamen, and Salakim provide insight into the dynamics of the tribe and hint at underlying tensions and conflicts.
  • The scene sets up a potential conflict between Horemheb and Salakim, which is quickly resolved with Muktar's violent intervention.
  • There is a shift in tone from a light-hearted moment of boys bonding over a common experience to a sudden escalation of violence and retribution.
  • The scene effectively establishes the tribal setting, the characters' relationships, and hints at potential power struggles within the tribe.
Suggestions
  • Consider developing the character of Horemheb further by exploring his motivations, desires, and internal conflicts.
  • Provide more context on the tribal dynamics and power structures to enhance the complexity of the relationships between characters.
  • Explore the repercussions of Salakim's actions and Muktar's response to add depth to the conflict resolution.
  • Consider adding layers to the characters' interactions to create more tension and intrigue within the tribe.
  • Ensure a smooth transition between the light-hearted moments and the darker themes to maintain a cohesive tone throughout the scene.



Scene 12 -  Attack on the Abazame'Ali Encampment
EXT. DESERT ENCAMPMENT. DAY

Fade into late afternoon, HOREMHEB and SETAMEN are practicing archery,
shooting at makeshift targets, HOREMHEB the better bowman; shoots with
accuracy. They’re sweating profusely, wiping their eyes.

PENEEB TOE(VO)

“Two years have since passed,
Horemheb is now ten years old,
healthy, and smart beyond his years,
a glorious spectacle to behold.

The entire tribe respects him
for his ability to lead a raid.
He’s excelled in every sport,
in spite of heat or cooling shade.

Once again, he’s bested Setamen by
giving him no quarter.
He’s prepared for any battle always
needing to lead the slaughter.”

HOREMHEB and SETAMEN finished wrestling outside a tent in the
encampment. They sit to take a break in the shade.

HOREMHEB
(Wiping his eyes)
“What a scorcher we have today!
It must be a 120 degrees out here!
I need to cool off, let’s get a beer.”

SETAMEN
“We got in two hours of practice
even in this oppressive heat.
I will admit, I like the way our bodies
glisten with wetness, when we meet.
Right now you look like a god
and I’m happy that we’re friends.
There’s nothing we don’t share
come, Horemheb, drink my beer.”

HOREMHEB drinks deeply from the camel skin pouch and wiping his mouth
hands it back to SETAMEN who drinks too.
SETAMEN
“OK Hor, are you ready now,
to get your ass whipped once more?
I challenge you my darling
this time you’ll lose, that’s for sure!”
HOREMHEB looks up, smiling, shaking his head negatively.
43


43
HOREMHEB

“Don’t you ever tire of losing,
to the clearly superior athlete?
Must you insist I prove to you
how easily you always do get beat!
(Leaping to his feet, jumping on SETAMEN.)

“Let’s see what you got, little girl?
Come now, sweet thing give me a swirl!

Locking arms, they grapple, their heads touching. HOREMHEB trips
SETAMEN, who counters grasping HOREMHEB in a headlock. HOREMHEB pulls
free, grabbing SETAMEN’S waist, swirling, throws him to the ground.
HOREMHEB
“Ah, my dear set,
will you never learn?
I beat you every time
in spite of all you yearn!”

SETAMEN grabs HOREMHEB’S ankle and pulls, knocking him off balance.
HOREMHEB falls, SETAMEN leaps on him to pin his shoulders for the win.
They grapple, twisting and turning, HOREMHEB gains control as he pins
SETAMEN, and raises his arms in victory.
HOREMHEB
“You like wrestling with me,
I know that you do.
I also believe it arouses you,
I admit it does me too.”
SETAMEN
“That’s not entirely true, well maybe.
But one day I'll beat you, I know I can,
and prove to you that I’m the better man.
I come from nobility, you are but a farm boy,
a peasant, and a fellahin, pretending to be coy!”

HOREMHEB
(Pushing Setamen’s head into the sand.)
“You are the only fellahin here,
that’s why I let you adore me.
One day very soon, I know
you’ll have to bow before me!”

(SETAMEN gets up brushing the sand off his body.)

SETAMEN
(Heart hurt)
“OK Hor, I do love you,
and I always will!
But one of these days, you’ll see me win.
you’re just a braggart, who lives in sin.
44


44
SETAMEN CON’T
You don’t even know your roots,
or where you originally came from.
You and I seem equally strong as can be
but you always think you’re better than me?”
HOREMHEB
(Laughing)
“I simply am, isn’t it obvious?
Can’t you see, I’m destined for greatness!
Soon I will be leader of Abazame’Ali,
your leader as well! Just wait and see.
You’d best forget those ugly words, lest you tempt my anger.
I don’t deserve this description,
or your childish rancor!”

Off in the distance, a girl’s voice rings out. MASIKA, aged 11, one of
the tribe’s hundred offsprings, pretty and mature beyond her years. She
runs toward HOREMHEB and SETAMEN.
MASIKA
“Horemheb, Horemheb, here I come bringing food.
I have bread, onions, and two bowls of beer.
Prepare yourselves for a feast,
we three can happily share!

She sits closer to HOREMHEB, handing him the larger bowl.

MASIKA
(Adoringly)
“May I sit and keep you company?
One bowl for you, and the other one for me”
HOREMHEB exhibits his usual indifference to her, inching away.
HOREMHEB
“Sure Masika, sit. You know how much
we both enjoy your voice and your wit.”
MASIKA
“Earlier, I saw you beat Setamen,
your wrestling has much improved.”

HOREMHEB
(Turning to Setamen)
“See, Setamen, I told you!
Even Masika knows I’m better than you.
So get down on your knees
and show me that you can appease!”

SETAMEN ignores the quip, BUT He cannot hold back any longer.
SETAMEN
“OK Horemheb! you’re the better wrestler,
but I’m handsomer, smarter, and even taller.
I can outrun you much, much faster,
I designate you top procrastinator!”
45


45
HOREMHEB
“True, but only because you’re skinny.
I am the superior athlete, can’t you see!
You can’t pull a bow as well as me!
Or shoot an arrow on one bent knee,
have you forgotten who won, me!”

All three suddenly turn hearing yelling and screaming coming from
somewhere out of sight. The camp animals scream in chaos, MASIKA,
first to get up, runs to hide behind a tent. HOREMHEB and SETAMEN
follow. Suddenly, they stop as two arrows thud into MASIKA’S chest.
Tribesmen, women, and children come running out of tents as a band of
marauders come charging over a dune racing through the encampment,
slaughtering everyone they find. Suddenly they come to a halt before
MUKTAR, who’s stands defiantly with twenty of his bodyguards. The
attackers open a pathway for their leader who comes to face MUKTAR.
YAFEU enters stopping six feet before and faces MUKTAR. YAFEU (Ya fay
ou), the leader of the band, 6 ft tall, 200 lbs, wearing a camel skin
cap to hold in his flowing blond mane. A jeweled silk patch covers his
missing left eye, and a wide red knife scar curves from above his left
eye to his mouth creating a perennial snarl.

YAFEU
“Yield at once, you are surrounded!
We are the Khopesh Nem-wer!
Throw down your arms or we will kill
all your women and children
and laugh watching their blood spill”
MUKTAR
(Laughing)
“You fool, you think you can
just come and take what is ours?
We can destroy you totally in
one or two short hours!”

YAFEU pulls an arrow from his quiver and knocks it, HOREMHEB throws a
dagger knocking the bow from YAFEU’S hand. Abazame’Ali tribesmen
knock arrows, pointing their bows at the attackers. HOREMHEB and
SETAMEN face them with knocked bows.

MUKTAR
“You men face the imminent end
of your lost and miserable lives!
I will decide, who dies and who survives.
I, your gracious host, Muktar,
chief of the Abazame’Ali band
offer you a place in my tribe,
or to die right there, where you stand!”

Silence abounds, and after a brief wait, MUKTAR gives a signal. Three
men from the invading tribe fall with arrows embedded in their chests.
46


46
MUKTAR
“Well, what will it be?
Did you understand me?
I might even let you go free?”

The attackers drop to their knees, hands up. MUKTAR signals for HOREMHEB.
“I congratulate you, my son.
and I reward your bravery.
I hereby make you first man of
the Abazame’Ali!
That was your fifth direct kill,
not too bad for a ten-year-old,
there’s more to learn, much more still”

HOREMHEB
“Thank you, my dear father!
I’d kill anyone who threatens you,
mother, or any of our great tribe!
The Abazame’Ali deserve my rage
forever, no matter what my age!

Lifting his bow high saluting the tribe, he calls out.

You people are all my family
I’ll protect you from all aggression.
I love you just as much
as my most prized possession!

HOREMHEB holds up his statue of Amun Re, in it’s cup-like base.
Here’s Amun Re, the ultimate god.
He’s given me the will to
protect you with all my soul!
Until my dying day, I promise
to keep you happy, fat and whole!”
The tribe erupts in cheers and hooting calls. From the crest of a nearby
dune, a second group of men appear shooting arrows and attacking
indiscriminately. A third wave of attackers appear from the opposite side
of the stage, then a fourth. Over fifty men yell and scream for blood,
bent on slaughter. The Ab’azame’ Ali are summarily beaten, hacked to
pieces. HOREMHEB kills two men in close combat before he’s taken captive.
Women and children are taken captive and marched off. MUKTAR, and SETAMEN
are among the dead.
FADE OUT:
47


47
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary Horemheb and Setamen engage in friendly competition, but their camaraderie is shattered when marauders attack the encampment. Amidst the chaos, Horemheb displays exceptional valor, killing multiple attackers and earning recognition as the tribe's first man. However, the tribe is overwhelmed by successive waves of enemies, and Horemheb, along with the surviving members, is captured, leaving the fate of the Abazame'Ali uncertain.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Intense action sequences
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Sudden introduction of new characters
  • Limited backstory for some characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a mix of intense action, emotional depth, and tragic consequences that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a young boy stepping up to lead his tribe in the midst of a brutal attack is compelling and sets the stage for a powerful character arc.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a clear conflict, high stakes, and a dramatic turn of events that propel the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene showcases originality through its unique setting, tribal dynamics, and character conflicts. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative, offering fresh perspectives on themes of leadership, rivalry, and survival.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Horemheb, are well-defined and undergo significant development in this scene, showcasing their bravery, loyalty, and determination.

Character Changes: 8

Horemheb undergoes a significant change in this scene, transitioning from a young boy to a brave leader who must make tough decisions in the face of danger.

Internal Goal: 8

Horemheb's internal goal is to prove his superiority and worthiness as a leader within the tribe. This reflects his desire for recognition, respect, and validation of his skills and abilities.

External Goal: 7

Horemheb's external goal is to protect his tribe and demonstrate his bravery in the face of danger. This reflects the immediate challenge of defending his people from marauders and showcasing his leadership qualities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict is high, with a brutal attack on the tribe leading to intense action and emotional turmoil.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the marauders posing a significant threat to the tribe and challenging Horemheb's leadership. The escalating danger and conflict create suspense and uncertainty for the characters and the audience.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with the survival of the tribe and the characters hanging in the balance during a brutal attack.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major conflict, showcasing character development, and setting the stage for future events in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden attack by the marauders, the unexpected betrayal, and the tragic outcome for the characters. The shifting dynamics and escalating conflict add suspense and tension to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around themes of power, hierarchy, and identity. Setamen challenges Horemheb's superiority and nobility, questioning his worthiness and origins. This challenges Horemheb's beliefs about himself and his place within the tribe.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, ranging from tension and fear to sadness and admiration for the characters' bravery.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful, reflecting the tension, emotions, and defiance of the characters in the face of danger.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, emotional conflicts, and high stakes. The dynamic interactions between characters, the escalating danger, and the unexpected turn of events keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension, escalates the conflict, and conveys the urgency of the characters' actions. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in engaging the audience and driving the narrative forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character dialogue, and action sequences. The formatting enhances the readability and visual impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension, develops character relationships, and sets up the conflict with the marauders. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the escalating danger and emotional stakes.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a strong physical action of Horemheb and Setamen practicing archery and wrestling, which sets a dynamic tone. However, the transition to a more casual and playful banter between the characters feels a bit abrupt and disrupts the tension built up.
  • The dialogue between the characters, especially Horemheb and Setamen, feels a bit forced and lacks depth. It would be beneficial to explore more nuanced interactions and emotions between them to make the scene more engaging and realistic.
  • The introduction of Masika adds a new element to the scene, but her presence and dialogue could be further developed to have a more significant impact on the overall narrative.
  • The sudden shift from a lighthearted interaction to a violent attack by marauders feels disjointed and could be better integrated into the scene to maintain a consistent tone and pacing.
  • The resolution of the conflict with the attackers surrendering and Horemheb being praised by his father for his bravery seems a bit rushed and lacks a sense of real consequence or danger.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the transitions between different tones and actions in the scene to create a more cohesive narrative flow.
  • Work on developing more authentic and layered dialogue for the characters to enhance their personalities and relationships.
  • Explore the character of Masika further to make her role more impactful and integrated into the scene.
  • Ensure a smoother and more gradual buildup of tension and conflict to make the resolution more satisfying and impactful.
  • Consider adding more stakes and consequences to the actions and decisions of the characters to increase the dramatic tension and engagement of the scene.



Scene 13 -  Permission Granted
INT. YAFEU’S TENT. DAY
Fade into Yafeu’s lavish tent. HOREMHEB, arms bound is dragged by two men
into the tent. YAFEU looks up as HOREMHEB’S hands are untied.

YAFEU
“They say you’re ten years old,
yet, you have an archer’s eagle eye.
Was it really you who shot the bow
from my arms, with just one try?
(YAFEU pauses, HOREMHEB doesn’t answer.)

Belligerent too! I don’t mind
that in my leaders, sometimes.
Do you know who we are?
Do you recognize me or my scar?

(Again, HOREMHEB stares, not answering.)

We are the Khopesh Nem-wer,
Khopesh means strength,
and Nem-wer means black bull.
Do you imagine you are you man
enough to bear that name in full?”
HOREMHEB
(rubbing his bruised wrists.)
“No, my lord, I would prefer death
before I took one full breath!”
YAFEU
(Laughing)
“I’ll keep that in mind.
I’m told you fought well,
for one so very young.
What is your given name?
Do you have, a working tongue?”

HOREMHEB
“My name’s Horemheb, my lord.
and yes, it’s true I’m ten years old.
I’m also a better fighter than
any in your tribe.
And I also refuse to be controlled!

YAFEU
(scoffing)
“Oh, really?”
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48
HOREMHEB
(Impetuously)
“I might consider joining your tribe,
provided you’re willing to teach me
all of your attack strategies.
Then and only then might I agree.
I learn fast, and I retain everything,
like your strategy that I saw today.
That was nothing short of ingenious,
if you’ll teach me that, I will stay!”
YAFEU
“Yes, that’s right my boy,
ingenious is the correct word!
You’re too young to fully grasp
the art of war, it’s too absurd!”
HOREMHEB
“Maybe? but under your tutelage,
I know I will learn fast,
and perhaps add a few ideas of my own,
and much more when I’m fully grown...”
YAFEU
(Laughing louder, interrupts.)

“...I see you have no fear, and
an open mind, thou yet a daring child.
You have possibilities Horemheb,
and as you say perhaps self-styled.

If you prove worthy to us
I might even send you to school,
But only if you’re smart enough,
and don’t prove to be a fool.

I need someone in my tribe,
to have an intelligent voice.
Together you and I could make
a most educated choice.”

HOREMHEB
(Hiding his pleasure)
“Maybe, but that depends on you, my lord.
will you give me a shield and a sword?”
YAFEU
“No, and stop calling me lord!
You will address me as Yafeu only
Yafeu, is that understood?
You can have a sword made of wood.”
49


49
HOREMHEB
“I know you’ll change your mind,
if I grow to love your tribe,
Especially if you’d send me to school
where I can learn to be a scribe?”
YAFEU
“…yes, right you are my boy.
You’ll no longer be a thug.
With us you will grow up
to become a f e a r l e s s warrior,
come on now, give me a hug.”
FADE OUT:
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50
Fade into bubbling, bulbous clouds with PENEEB TOE at it’s center.
PENEEB TOE
“Hello, once again, Peneeb Toe here
to bring you up to date,
with facts that we can share, I can hardly wait.
Two full years have passed since
I talked to you last.
The tribe has prospered well.
Hormeheb too, he did excel.
He’s gained respect among the tribe
and the leader Yafeu, even more.
Leading attacks on desert travelers
more successful than before!”
FADE OUT:

Fade in as cloths over YAFEU’s tent are flung open, HOREMHEB enters.
The tent’s lavishly decorated with colored pillows and mats of
horsehair and bird feathers.

HOREMHEB
(Ranting)
“Yafeu, you must do something.
My mother has been raped!
Your indifference has allowed your
two tribesmen to escape.”

YAFEU
” Hold on, compose yourself!
How dare you barge in like this!
You could be beheaded being so remiss!
Now, calm yourself and explain
what’s caused all this disdain?”
HOREMHEB
“Because you would not take
my mother as your wife.
You’ve doomed her forever
to a lifetime full of strife.

She’s looked upon by the tribe
as simply another camp whore.
While she used to be respected
as a chief’s first wife before.

You never took her to your bed,
you’ve a preference for men instead.”
Now, my mother has been defiled,
I want permission as her only child.

I want to gouge out their eyes
and slowly take their lives!
Please, Yafeu, I don’t need a sermon
to go and kill these two vermin!”
YAFEU gets up, goes to a table to eat grapes.
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51
YAFEU
“These vermin, as you call them,
will one day be yours to command,
but, for now, they’re mine alone,
and their pleasure is my demand.
It stands as it is. I have spoken!
I’m sorry for your mother
I bear her no ill harm.
She was treated like any other.”

HOREMHEB sulks, resigned as he turns to leave, and reaching the tent
entrance, he turns again.
HOREMHEB
“You are more than a father to me,
a mentor, someone I love and respect.
But I will not allow my mother
to be humiliated, or repeat this sad effect.

If ever this happens again, and it could,
killing the perpetrators is understood!
And in that case, should it come to be
I want permission to end her misery,
I would no longer be able to bear her pain
or watch her be so degraded
or live with this newest shame!”

YAFEU
“Yes, Horemheb, this I will allow.
You have earned dominion over your family.
Go, my son, and do as you see fit!
You’re a full man now, I will admit.”
FADE OUT:
52


52
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Horemheb confronts Yafeu about his mother being raped and seeks permission to take revenge. Yafeu initially refuses but eventually grants Horemheb permission to deal with the perpetrators, acknowledging his maturity and independence. The scene takes place in Yafeu's lavish tent during the day, with a tense and emotional tone as Horemheb expresses anger and frustration, and Yafeu shows authority and understanding. The conflict is resolved when Yafeu grants Horemheb permission to take action, ending with a sense of resolution and empowerment.
Strengths
  • Rich thematic depth
  • Compelling conflict
  • Emotionally charged dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some character development could be further explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is compelling, emotionally charged, and sets up a complex conflict that drives the narrative forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a young warrior navigating loyalty, justice, and personal growth in a tribal society is engaging and offers rich storytelling potential.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a clear conflict and character motivations driving the scene forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on traditional tribal dynamics, focusing on individual agency and justice within a hierarchical society. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are distinct and their interactions add depth to the scene, though further development could enhance their impact.

Character Changes: 8

Horemheb undergoes a significant shift in perspective and agency, asserting his independence and moral code.

Internal Goal: 9

Horemheb's internal goal is to prove himself as a capable warrior and gain respect within the tribe. This reflects his deeper desire for recognition, independence, and control over his own destiny.

External Goal: 8

Horemheb's external goal is to seek justice for his mother's mistreatment and gain permission to take revenge on those responsible. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in protecting his family and upholding his values.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Horemheb, Yafeu, and the moral dilemma presented creates tension and drives the scene's emotional intensity.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and values between Horemheb and Yafeu. The audience is left uncertain of how the characters will resolve their differences.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high, with personal honor, justice, and familial relationships on the line.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing key conflicts, character dynamics, and thematic elements.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics and unexpected character choices. The audience is left unsure of how the conflicts will be resolved.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the balance between tradition and individual agency. Yafeu represents tradition and hierarchy, while Horemheb represents individuality and justice. This challenges Horemheb's beliefs in loyalty and respect for authority.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact is high, with themes of betrayal, justice, and familial loyalty resonating strongly.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful, revealing character dynamics and advancing the plot effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflicts, power dynamics, and character development. The dialogue and actions keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, allowing for emotional beats, and highlighting key character moments.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of character motivations and emotions. It's not clear why Yafeu is so indifferent to the rape of Horemheb's mother and why he dismisses her suffering.
  • The dialogue feels a bit forced and unnatural at times, especially in the interaction between Horemheb and Yafeu. It could benefit from more subtlety and nuance.
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Horemheb's outburst to Yafeu eating grapes, which disrupts the flow of the conversation and the emotional intensity of the moment.
  • There is a lack of visual descriptions and sensory details in the scene, making it difficult for the reader to fully immerse themselves in the setting and atmosphere of Yafeu's tent.
  • The resolution of the conflict between Horemheb and Yafeu feels rushed and lacks emotional depth. It would be more impactful to explore the complex emotions and power dynamics between the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider delving deeper into the emotional turmoil of Horemheb and Yafeu to create a more compelling and nuanced conflict.
  • Work on refining the dialogue to make it more authentic and reflective of the characters' personalities and motivations.
  • Add more visual descriptions and sensory details to enhance the reader's experience and create a vivid picture of the scene.
  • Focus on building tension and suspense throughout the scene to keep the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.
  • Consider extending the scene to allow for a more gradual and impactful resolution of the conflict between Horemheb and Yafeu.



Scene 14 -  Horemheb's Difficult Choice
INT. HOREMHEB’S TENT. DAY
Fade in to Horemheb’s tent where a torchlight reveals a young
tribesman punching NEBHET’S face, knocking her unconscious. The
second young man undoes his robes moving into position to rape her.
Both youths are obviously drunk. HOREMHEB enters the tent, draws his
dagger and rushes to fight both youths in a choreographed battle
ending with both youths dead. He rushes to NEBHET’S side listening to
her breathing. NEBHET’S lying in the soft dirt, her clothes torn, her
face bruised and bloodied. She’s unconscious, but still alive.
HOREMHEB falls to his knees, crying as he covers her nakedness.
HOREMHEB
“Oh my dearest mother
my heart cries out for you,
for all the pain you’ve suffered,
and these indecencies too.
I could never allow them to live,
after what they did to you!
Slaying them was not enough,
but what more could I do?

I can’t let you live with shame.
after being a chieftain’s wife.
To be reduced to so little,
and live a disrespected life.
My heart is crying now
my breathing’s just too fast.
I don’t begin to know,
if I can do this terrible task?

I’d rather cut my own throat
then harm you in any way.
Was there ever another son
with thoughts I have today?
Blood runs from my eyes
to blind me from the sight.
Will Amun Re ever forgive me?
Am I doing what is right?
As I ponder this terrible thing
can I allow myself to do it.
Will the gods ever forgive me,
and let me live on through it?
My heart is filled with searing pain
never to know peace again.
Dare I go through with this deed
my soul will forever cry and bleed.
Is it my ego or my pride
or the bleeding deep inside?
No, my mother’s honor is the price.
Just killing those dogs won’t suffice.
53


53

Once I end my mother’s life,
will I ever be the same?
Will I ever know peace again,
or must I live with constant pain?

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done,
it will forever change my life.
Can you, dear mother, forgive your son,
as I send you into the afterlife.”

He unsheathes his dagger, and kneels alongside placing the dagger over
her heart, and plunges. NEBHET’S eyes open wide and stay open. There’s
no sound from her swollen and bruised lips as he leans forward and
kisses her forehead.

FADE OUT:
54


54
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Horemheb rescues Nebhet from two attackers, but faces a moral dilemma. To protect her honor, he reluctantly ends her life.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intense character development
  • Compelling moral dilemma
Weaknesses
  • Potentially triggering content
  • Heavy emotional themes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is powerful, emotionally charged, and showcases the protagonist's internal struggle effectively. The tragic events and the weight of the decision make it a compelling and memorable moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a son having to make a heart-wrenching decision to end his mother's suffering and preserve her honor is a powerful and emotionally resonant idea. It adds depth to the character and explores complex moral dilemmas.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the protagonist's internal conflict and the difficult decision he must make. It is well-developed, emotionally impactful, and drives the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of honor and sacrifice, delving into complex moral dilemmas and emotional struggles. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and originality to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially the protagonist, are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are portrayed effectively. The scene allows for deep exploration of the protagonist's inner turmoil and moral struggle.

Character Changes: 9

The protagonist undergoes a significant emotional and moral transformation in the scene, as he is forced to make a difficult decision that will forever change him. This moment marks a pivotal point in his character arc.

Internal Goal: 9

Horemheb's internal goal is to protect his mother's honor and legacy, even if it means committing a difficult and painful act. This reflects his deep need for redemption, forgiveness, and the preservation of his family's reputation.

External Goal: 8

Horemheb's external goal is to avenge his mother's honor by taking decisive action against those who dishonored her. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in upholding his family's reputation and seeking justice.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the protagonist grapples with a deeply emotional and moral dilemma. The intense emotions and high stakes create a gripping and engaging conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing internal and external challenges that test his values, beliefs, and actions. The audience is kept in suspense, unsure of the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are incredibly high, as the protagonist is faced with a life-changing decision that will have profound consequences for himself and his family. The emotional and moral stakes are intense and gripping.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by delving into the protagonist's internal conflict and moral dilemma. It adds depth to the character and sets the stage for future developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in terms of the protagonist's ultimate decision and the emotional impact of his actions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the moral dilemma of whether the ends justify the means. Horemheb grapples with the idea of committing a heinous act to protect his mother's honor, questioning his own values and beliefs in the process.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking strong feelings of sadness, empathy, and reflection in the audience. The tragic events and the protagonist's emotional journey resonate deeply.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is emotional, poignant, and reflective of the characters' internal struggles. It effectively conveys the intense emotions and moral dilemmas faced by the protagonist.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional intensity, moral complexity, and dramatic tension. The audience is drawn into the protagonist's internal struggle and the high stakes of the situation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, drawing the audience into the protagonist's internal struggle and moral dilemma. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness and impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced and structured format, effectively building tension and emotional depth through its progression. It adheres to the expected format for its genre, enhancing the impact of the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene depicts a very intense and dark moment with themes of violence, rape, and the difficult decision of mercy killing.
  • The portrayal of the attempted rape and subsequent fight scene may be too graphic and disturbing for some audiences.
  • The internal monologue of Horemheb adds depth to his character and showcases his internal struggle and emotional turmoil.
  • The decision to mercy kill Nebhet to preserve her honor is a morally complex and emotionally charged moment that adds layers to the story.
  • The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight and moral dilemma faced by Horemheb, but it may benefit from a more nuanced exploration of his internal conflict.
Suggestions
  • Consider toning down the graphic nature of the attempted rape and fight scene to make it more palatable for a wider audience.
  • Focus on developing Horemheb's internal conflict and moral struggle even further to enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Explore alternative ways for Horemheb to protect Nebhet's honor without resorting to mercy killing, adding complexity to his character.
  • Consider incorporating more subtle symbolism or imagery to convey Horemheb's emotional turmoil and the weight of his decision.
  • Ensure that the scene serves a clear purpose in advancing the plot or developing the characters to avoid gratuitous violence or shock value.



Scene 15 -  Confrontation at Karnak
EXT. KARNAK TEMPLE. DAY

Fade in to a slow moving panorama of the Karnak temple.

PENEEB TOE (VO)
“In Thebes, the Karnak Temple complex is
two hundred fifty acres in size.
There are many temples to worship the gods
and where the religious ones can idolize.
There are grand halls with tall standing
columns covered in hieroglyphics from top
to bottom, listing pharaohs, and all of
their histories, true or not, but surely
creating mysteries. There's also the famous
scribe School at the far end near lake Mut.
Most students are of royal parentage
to keep out all those of disrepute.”

YAFEU and HOREMHEB, followed by DORGA, and NEMURA; two of Yafeu’s
bodyguards walking along enjoying the sights.

YAFEU
“This place is completely amazing,
three sacred temples and hundreds
of acres to honor all the gods.
Construction began with Sensusret the first,
expanding continues with unquenchable thirst.

Both sides of the avenue are lined with statues of curly-horned sphinx
heads leading to the entrance of the first pylon, built by Hatshepsut.
These beautiful statues represent Amun Re,
built with Hatsheput's inscrutable design. Ah
hah, look there’s the second pylon,
a magnificent symbol for the divine.
It’s sixty-eight feet high,
and one hundred thirty tons.
It will last forever plus one million suns.”

HOREMHEB
“Yes father, it is fantastic,
but why waste my time?
When I could be training our men to fight?
Besides, who’ll scratch your back at night?”

YAFEU
“Save your energy, my boy,
you cannot escape your fate.
The gods have spoken to me;
you’ll be a scribe, there is no debate!”

Camera pans to the scribe school; a simple mud brick, single-story house.
YAFEU and HOREMHEB approach and knock on an old wooden door. After two
tries, YAFEU bangs the door. DORGA and NEMURA join the banging. Slowly,
the door creaks open. BAPU, a curmudgeon, short, fat and bald man wearing
priest’s white robes. He peeks out, rubbing his eyes.
55


55
BAPU
“Who dares interrupt Bapu’s nap?
Who are you people, why are you here?
Go away now, quickly, just disappear!

He begins closing the door. DORGA holds it open.

DORGA
“Let go, you camel fodder,
before I summon temple guards,
who’ll cut into little shards!”
YAFEU
“Look here, my good priest,
we come with Amun Re’s tidings,
open the door right now,
and stop this childish hiding!”
BAPU
(Struggling to close the door.)
“We aren’t taking any new students.
The roster’s full this year.
Besides, the board of trustees
closed four months ago, is that clear?
Now, stop this foolishness,
and kindly leave my school.
We’re closed for now, that’s the final rule!

DORGA pushes the door, knocking BAPU to the ground. HOREMHEB and NEMURA
lift the priest up as YAFEU playfully flaunts a sack of jingling gems
inches from BAPU’S face.
BAPU
(His eyes light up)
Perhaps I was too quick to attack.
Are there truly gems in that sack?”

YAFEU
“Yes, good priest, more than
you’ll earn in your lifetime.
Let’s go inside so you can see,
how to benefit both you and me.”

Bapu lets them in. YAFEU and BAPU sit at a table filled with Ostraca;
broken shards of pottery with hieratic writings. Next to it are rolled
papyri. BAPU motions for YAFEU to empty the sack.
YAFEU
“You’re too impatient, my friend.
Let us first talk about my son.
He wants to be a military scribe,
and study here with you, until it’s done!”
56


56
BAPU
(Looks up at Horemheb, shaking his head.)
“Him, oh no, it’s not possible,
he’s much too old to begin!
My students start at age five or six
any older would surely not fit in!”

DORGA, fiercest of YAFEU’S bodyguards, grabs BAPU’S Throat.

DORGA
“This midget priest is a thief, Yafeu.
let me cut open his throat.
Then we can leave this place
and never again hear him gloat.”
HOREMHEB
“Silence Dorga, shut your mouth,
my father knows what’s best!
leave us now, and wait outside,
you make this Bapu terrified!”
YAFEU
(Growling)
“Enough!”

Banging the table, YAFEU gets up taking the pouch ready to leave.
BAPU
“Wait! wait one moment!

YAFEU heads for the door. BAPU runs up to YAFEU.

Wait my lord, wait, perhaps
I was too thoughtless.
Come, have some figs and beer,
show me what you brought us?

Reconsidering, YAFEU returns sitting at the table waiting to be served.
BAPU CON’T
My dear Yafeu, we’re only allowed
to have classes of five students.
This session began two months back.
Can you show me what’s in your sack?

YAFEU doles out a small portion of gems.

BAPU CON’T
(Disappointed)
Hmmm, I thought you would have gold.
Gems are OK, but harder to be sold.
Is that all you’re offering me today?
It’s barely enough, what can I say?”
57


57
YAFEU leaps up, grabbing BAPU by his throat, lifting him up out of his
chair and pressing him against the wall.
YAFEU
“Listen to me, you ungrateful turd,
you’ll gladly take what what I give!
The only reason I allow you to live
is to make him Egypt's best scribe
while you accept my generous bribe.

And if you fail, I’ll skin you alive,
and feed your hopeless carcass to the crocodiles.
Do you understand you little man,
show me you do with your ugly smiles!”
BAPU
(Whimpering)
“I’ll do it, I swear I’ll treat
him like my own son!
And i guarantee you, my lord
I’ll teach him better than anyone!”

YAFEU
(Menacingly)

“Good! teach him well, Bapu
or you will learn how it feels
to watch your skin as it peels!”
HOREMHEB stands silent, resigned.
FADE OUT:
58


58
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Yafeu and companions demand Horemheb's admission to scribe school. Head priest Bapu refuses due to Horemheb's age, but Yafeu intimidates and bribes him to accept.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Intense conflict
  • Well-developed characters
Weaknesses
  • Use of violence as a negotiation tactic may be off-putting to some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, well-written, and effectively conveys the power struggle between the characters. The dialogue is sharp and impactful, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a father negotiating for his son's education in ancient Egypt adds depth to the story and showcases the importance of education and power dynamics in that time period.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the negotiation between Yafeu and Bapu, adding tension and conflict to the scene. It sets up future developments regarding Horemheb's education and his relationship with his father.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on ancient Egyptian settings, explores complex power dynamics, and delves into moral dilemmas through character interactions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Yafeu and Bapu are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations. Yafeu is portrayed as manipulative and powerful, while Bapu is shown as fearful and opportunistic.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it sets up potential changes and developments for Horemheb and Yafeu in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Yafeu's internal goal is to ensure his son, Horemheb, becomes a successful scribe despite his son's reluctance and desire to be a military fighter. This reflects Yafeu's desire for his son to fulfill his destiny and follow the path set by the gods.

External Goal: 7

Yafeu's external goal is to convince Bapu to accept Horemheb as a student at the scribe school, using bribery and intimidation to achieve this goal.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Yafeu and Bapu, as well as the internal conflict within Yafeu regarding his son's education, adds intensity and drama to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals, power struggles, and moral dilemmas driving the conflict. The audience is unsure of how the characters will resolve their differences.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes involve Horemheb's future education and Yafeu's determination to secure it, adding tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the conflict and dynamics between the characters, setting up future plot developments regarding Horemheb's education.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics, unexpected character actions, and moral ambiguity. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will resolve.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of fate, power, and manipulation. Yafeu believes in the will of the gods and fate determining Horemheb's path, while Bapu represents the struggle for power and control through manipulation and bribery.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes tension, fear, and manipulation, engaging the audience emotionally and keeping them invested in the characters' fates.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and reveals the power dynamics between the characters. It effectively conveys their motivations and emotions, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense dialogue, moral dilemmas, and power struggles between characters. The audience is drawn into the conflict and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, escalating conflicts, and maintaining audience engagement. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions contributes to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It is well-organized and easy to follow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear character introductions, rising tension, and a resolution. It adheres to the expected structure for a dramatic confrontation scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear and engaging conflict that drives the narrative forward. While there is tension between Yafeu and Bapu, it feels forced and lacks depth.
  • The dialogue is somewhat stilted and lacks natural flow, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters and their motivations.
  • The character motivations and actions seem exaggerated and unrealistic, particularly Yafeu's violent outburst towards Bapu. This diminishes the believability of the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven, with abrupt shifts in tone and action that make it challenging for the audience to stay engaged.
  • The resolution of the conflict feels rushed and lacks a satisfying conclusion, leaving the audience with unanswered questions and a sense of dissatisfaction.
Suggestions
  • Develop a more nuanced and compelling conflict that drives the scene forward and engages the audience. This could involve exploring deeper motivations for the characters and creating more tension.
  • Work on refining the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities and relationships. This will help the audience connect with the characters and their interactions.
  • Consider toning down the exaggerated actions and reactions of the characters to make them more believable and relatable. This will help create a more immersive and realistic scene.
  • Focus on improving the pacing of the scene by creating smoother transitions between different moments and actions. This will help maintain the audience's interest and keep them engaged throughout.
  • Ensure that the resolution of the conflict is satisfying and provides closure for the audience. This could involve tying up loose ends, clarifying character motivations, and delivering a more impactful conclusion.



Scene 16 -  Confrontation and Apology
INT. SCRIBE SCHOOL. NIGHTTIME

Camera pans inside the school with all it’s sleeping inhabitants.
PENEEB TOE (VO)
“Two months have already passed
since Horemheb first arrived.
He’s learning new words and symbols,
for sure his young brain has thrived.
There were four other students
that started this school, years before.
Horemheb focused day and night,
ignoring them, he studied more.
Parvaneh, the one and only girl at 13,
the oldest and smartest.
Usar-ha and Najja, 8, and Bibi, 9,
he’s the one with the sharpest mind.”

Camera studies HOREMHEB as he lies sleeping. Nearby are tables
covered with papyri and ostraca. BIBI enters approaching HOREMHEB
shaking his shoulder.
BIBI
“Horemheb, wake up, get up!”
HOREMHEB
“What’s wrong Bibi, why do you bother me?
I’m deep asleep, can’t you see?
BIBI
“We, Bapu's students, have decided
that you don’t belong here with us!
I was chosen to ask you to leave,
we all refuse you any reprieve!”
HOREMHEB smacks his face hard enough to knock him down.
HOREMHEB
“You and your friends think
I’m so easily dismissed?
I could slaughter everyone here
without shedding a single tear!

Go tell them Horemheb wants
a payment of two bowls of beer,
one loaf of bread, and two pieces
of goat brought right to me here.

That’s to be paid every other day!
That’s my price, and if you don’t comply,
I will beat you and your friends
as flat as papyrus, until you cry!”

BIBI, holding his bruised cheek nods affirmatively and runs off.
HOREMHEB smiles lying back not the least bit concerned. Minutes
later PARVANEH arrives at his bedside.
59


59
HOREMHEB
“Parvaneh, you too?
what is it with you rich kids?
Have you no manners at all?
Leave me and go back to your bed,
and you’ll avoid a bloody brawl”
PARVANEH
(Sitting on his bed)
“Horemheb, I want you to know
I had no part in this stupid plan.
I tried to talk them out of it,
but, not one of them is yet a man.

You’re a breath of fresh air,
something this group sorely needs.
Your military ideas have already
benefited us, even Bapu concedes.

I know I’ve learned a lot
from the life that you’ve had.
So, I apologize for all of them,
please stay and make me glad!”
DISSOLVE:
60


60
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Drama"]

Summary In the depths of the scribe school's dormitory, Horemheb awakens to a harsh message: the students reject his presence. Threats and confrontations ensue, only to be extinguished by Parvaneh's sincere apology and plea for Horemheb to remain.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Character development
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and conflict, introduces important character dynamics, and sets the stage for future developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a power struggle within the scribe school is engaging and adds depth to the character of Horemheb.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the confrontation, revealing the challenges Horemheb faces in his new environment.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh setting and historical context, with unique character dynamics and conflicts. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters show complexity and depth, especially Horemheb and Parvaneh, through their interactions and motivations.

Character Changes: 8

Horemheb's character undergoes development as he asserts his power and demands respect from his peers.

Internal Goal: 8

Horemheb's internal goal in this scene is to prove his worth and assert his dominance among his peers. His desire for respect and recognition drives his actions and dialogue.

External Goal: 7

Horemheb's external goal in this scene is to assert his authority and demand payment from his peers for their disrespect. His immediate challenge is to maintain his position and reputation within the school.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Horemheb and his fellow students is intense and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Horemheb facing resistance from his peers and having to assert his authority. The audience is left unsure of the outcome.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as Horemheb must navigate a hostile environment and assert his place in the scribe school.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing key relationships and conflicts that will impact future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and reactions of the characters. The audience is kept on edge wondering how the conflict will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between power and respect. Horemheb values power and dominance, while Parvaneh values respect and cooperation. This challenges Horemheb's beliefs about leadership and authority.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The emotional impact is significant, especially in Parvaneh's apology and Horemheb's defiance.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotions of the scene, though some lines could be more nuanced.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense conflict, dynamic characters, and poetic dialogue. The tension keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a balance of dialogue and action. The rhythm of the language adds to the scene's intensity.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with dialogue-driven interactions and character development. It fits the expected format for a dramatic confrontation scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from the previous scenes, making it feel disconnected from the rest of the story.
  • The dialogue between Bibi and Horemheb feels forced and lacks subtlety, making the confrontation seem unrealistic.
  • Horemheb's violent reaction to Bibi's request for him to leave the school may not align with his character development thus far.
  • The introduction of Parvaneh's character and her apology feels rushed and lacks depth, making it difficult for the audience to connect with her emotions.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition into the scene to better connect it with the previous events.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Bibi and Horemheb to make it more realistic and nuanced, reflecting their characters' motivations and emotions.
  • Reconsider Horemheb's reaction to Bibi's request and ensure it aligns with his character development and the overall tone of the story.
  • Expand on Parvaneh's apology to Horemheb to provide more depth to her character and create a stronger emotional impact.



Scene 17 -  Scribe School Lesson
EXT. SCRIBE SCHOOL. DAY

At the entrance of the school BAPU stands at the doorway addressing
his students as they file past him carrying their scribe tools; a
wooden palette containing two cakes of ink, red and black, a leather
pot filled with water, and a set of reed brushes.
BAPU
“Today, being much cooler than usual,
this morning’s class will be outside.
Sit yourselves in a circle, facing me
we’ll take turns, so no one is denied.

You, Horemheb, over the last 4 months
displayed an impressive mind.
You have excelled beyond the others
leaving them all very far behind.

BAPU lifts a square of papyrus showing the symbol for water, he
points to HOREMHEB.

“Look closely and tell me what you see?”

HOREMHEB
“Three lines of up and down waves.”

BAPU
“Good! now, if I place a man in front of the waves?”

HOREMHEB
“That means he’s drinking.”
(BAPU draws a phallus adding it to the papyrus.)

BAPU
“Now, if I place a phallus behind it, what then?”

HOREMHEB
“He’s peeing!”

The other students snicker, BAPU lifts a finger to silence them.
BAPU
“Good, now close your eyes
and visualize the water sign.
Now make up three sentences
using the word water in every line.”
HOREMHEB
(His eyes dart in circles, thinking.)
“The water of the Nile gives life to all!
61


61
HOREMHEB CON’T
(Searching his mind, adding.)
Without water we would not live more than three days.
HOREMHEB PAUSES THEN CON’T

The key component of beer is water.

HOREMHEB PAUSES THEN CON’T

Master, must I learn to do this?
With all eight hundred word signs
of hieroglyphic language?
I can’t make up that many rhymes!”
BAPU
(Laughing, correcting him.)
“It’s a slow and time-consuming process,
soon you’ll know them, and with ease.
All 700 symbol signs with perfect expertise!
When you’re unsure of any concept,
you can demonstrate it to understand.
Using odd pieces of ostraca as simple mass
is a concept anyone can use on demand.

BAPU then calls PARVANEH to address the class.

Parvaneh, demonstrate for the class,
especially Horemheb, since he’s new.
Our way to demonstrate, and exactly what to do.”

PARVANEH chooses six pieces of brightly colored ostraca.
PARVANEH
“To understand an idea, word, or concept,
you give it mass by touching it.
That will add another level of consciousness
seeing and feeling each and every bit.
Holding up a single piece of ostraca.
This piece represents you, Horemheb,
and this piece the word you want to learn.
These three pieces are the sentences
you made up, and can therefore discern.
The third piece represents the concept
as a whole, can you see that?
Can you really see what I’m driving at?”
Horemheb looks hard at the ostraca pieces.
HOREMHEB

“Yes, how fascinating? I do see it,
I understand it better now.
Thank you Parvaneh, for showing me exactly how.”
FADE OUT:
62


62
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Bapu, a scribe teacher, teaches his students the hieroglyphic symbol for water and how to use ostraca to represent concepts and words. Horemheb, a quick learner, struggles a bit but eventually understands. Parvaneh, a helpful classmate, demonstrates how to use ostraca.
Strengths
  • Educational content
  • Character development
  • Unique concept of using ostraca for learning
Weaknesses
  • Limited conflict
  • Moderate emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written, engaging, and informative, providing valuable background information on the scribe school and the challenges faced by the character of Horemheb.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of teaching hieroglyphic language and demonstrating the use of ostraca as a learning tool is unique and well-executed.

Plot: 7

While the plot mainly focuses on the educational aspect of the scribe school, it effectively introduces the character of Horemheb and sets up potential conflicts and challenges for him in the future.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its focus on hieroglyphic writing and the teaching methods used in ancient Egypt. The dialogue and teaching techniques feel authentic to the time period.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Horemheb and Parvaneh, are well-developed and their interactions provide insight into their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 6

Horemheb shows growth and development in his understanding of the hieroglyphic language, setting up potential character arcs in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Horemheb's internal goal is to excel in his studies and master the hieroglyphic language. This reflects his desire for knowledge and recognition.

External Goal: 7

Horemheb's external goal is to understand the concept of hieroglyphic writing and demonstrate his learning to his teacher and classmates.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict in the scene is minimal, mainly revolving around Horemheb's struggles with learning hieroglyphics.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from Horemheb's struggle to understand the concept of hieroglyphic writing, adding a layer of tension.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on educational and character development aspects.

Story Forward: 6

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key elements of the ancient Egyptian setting and the character of Horemheb.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat predictable in its focus on teaching and learning, but the use of ostraca as a teaching tool adds a unique element.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between the slow, methodical process of learning hieroglyphics and the desire for quick mastery. This challenges Horemheb's patience and dedication to his studies.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The emotional impact is moderate, with a focus on the educational aspect rather than emotional depth.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is informative and serves the purpose of teaching the hieroglyphic language, but could be more engaging and dynamic.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it showcases the process of learning hieroglyphics and the interaction between teacher and student.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and highlighting the importance of learning hieroglyphics.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay set in ancient Egypt.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a classroom setting in a historical drama.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction, with the dialogue feeling disjointed and lacking a cohesive narrative thread.
  • The interaction between Bapu and Horemheb feels forced and unnatural, with the dialogue coming across as stilted and overly instructional.
  • The scene fails to engage the audience or create a sense of tension or conflict, making it feel flat and uninteresting.
  • The transition from Bapu's demonstration to Parvaneh's explanation feels abrupt and lacks a smooth flow, disrupting the pacing of the scene.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth or character development in the scene, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters or care about their journey.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to have a clearer objective or goal for the characters to achieve, providing a more engaging and purposeful narrative.
  • Work on developing more natural and organic dialogue that reflects the characters' personalities and motivations, creating a more authentic interaction between Bapu and Horemheb.
  • Introduce a conflict or obstacle for the characters to overcome, adding depth and tension to the scene to keep the audience invested in the outcome.
  • Smooth out the transition between Bapu's demonstration and Parvaneh's explanation, ensuring a seamless flow of events that maintains the scene's pacing.
  • Focus on adding emotional depth and complexity to the characters, allowing the audience to connect with their struggles and growth throughout the scene.



Scene 18 -  Late Night Confession
INT. SCHOOL BATHROOM- NIGHT

Fade into the school’s dimly lit communal bathroom. HOREMHEB meets
PARVANEH as he’s leaving. She’s rubbing her eyes having just
awakened, she almost bumps into him.

PARVANEH
(Composing herself)
“Oh, sorry! I didn’t see you.”

HOREMHEB
“That’s OK Parvaneh,
I almost didn’t see you either.
Sorry if I got in your way
you were very helpful today.
(He continues walking away.)
Good night Parvaneh.”

(PARVANEH squeezing her legs to hold in her pee.)
PARVANEH
“Wait Horemheb, please don’t go,
stay with me a moment longer.
I want to say something to you
to make our friendship stronger.”
(Annoyed, he stops, turns to her.)
HOREMHEB
“It’s very late, I must get some sleep.
I have no time for anything deep.”

PARVANEH
“Please, Horemheb, just this one time.
I’ve thoroughly thought this through,
this is something about me and you.”

HOREMHEB reluctantly sits on the floor. PARVANEH brazenly lifts her
linens to do her business. He smiles knowingly as PARVANEH finishes,
she sits near gazing into his eyes.
PARVANEH
“From the moment you arrived,
my female senses were revived.
You’re handsome and smart too.
you’re someone worthy to pursue!”

Brazenly, she reaches into his loincloth fondling him. He stops her.
HOREMHEB
“Hey, what are you doing?”

PARVANEH
“Have you never been with a woman?”
63


63
HOREMHEB
(Unnerved)
“Well, no, not exactly.
(She laughs)
HOREMHEB CON’T
“There was a girl named Masika, and she…”

PARVANEH
“…be quiet, and move closer to me.
I will teach you to be sensually free.”
She kisses him, he slowly begins to respond.
FADE OUT:
64


64

Fade in to the bubbling clouds with PENEEB TOE facing the audience.

PENEEB TOE
“Five years of study have gone by,
Horemheb’s mastered all the hieroglyphs,
hieratic, demotic writing and speaking,
plus battle strategies, and ancient war myths.

He’s a full grown adult young man,
a person to be feared and respected.
At 17, he’s a force to be reckoned with
excelling in his studies as was expected.

It was time to return back home
to the tribe he loved so well.
Soon he could benefit them all
the Khopsh Nem-wer would now excel!”
FADE OUT:

Fade in early morning at the campsite of the Khopsh Nem-wer in desert
surroundings. HOREMHEB triumphantly appears riding a donkey. Slowly the
tribe people come out of tents to acknowledge and welcome him. He keeps
looking for Yafeu, his father. DORGA, Yafeu’s bodyguard approaches.
DORGA
(Saddened)

“Horemheb, your father’s gone
to the afterlife, these past 12 days.
His teeth had become blackened,
and pus flew out in misty sprays.”

HOREMHEB
“Was his pain strong for long?
I expect he died like the king we knew?
Have his body prepared for the afterlife,
and I, his son, will pass review.”
DORGA
“He never once complained to anyone,
bragging about you, his favorite son.
He made me swear before you take command,
you first slay the most ferocious black bull
to be found in all the land.
It’s always been part of our ritual,
and the symbolic meaning of our name.
He knew you’d accept the challenge,
to receive the tribe’s acclaim!”
FADE OUT:
65


65
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Parvaneh confronts Horemheb in the school bathroom late at night, expressing her feelings for him and attempting to initiate a physical relationship. Horemheb is taken aback by her advances but eventually starts to reciprocate. The scene ends with Parvaneh kissing Horemheb, who slowly starts to respond to her advances.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potentially controversial themes
  • Complex character relationships

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, emotionally charged, and sets up intriguing plot developments. The dialogue is impactful, and the character dynamics are compelling.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of revealing deep personal histories, challenging societal norms, and facing internal and external conflicts is well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of new conflicts and revelations about the characters' pasts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on friendship, intimacy, and boundaries, with authentic character actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters undergo significant emotional turmoil and growth, making them more complex and relatable.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes, particularly in their understanding of themselves and their relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

Parvaneh's internal goal is to express her feelings for Horemheb and deepen their friendship, reflecting her desire for emotional connection and intimacy.

External Goal: 7

Horemheb's external goal is to get some sleep and avoid deep conversations, reflecting his immediate need for rest and avoidance of emotional entanglements.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene introduces multiple conflicts, both internal and external, adding tension and drama.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and power dynamics between Parvaneh and Horemheb.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as characters face personal and societal challenges that could have lasting consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and deepening character relationships.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected advances, emotional revelations, and shifting power dynamics between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Parvaneh's desire for emotional connection and Horemheb's need for personal boundaries. It challenges their beliefs about friendship, intimacy, and communication.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' struggles and revelations.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful, revealing character motivations and emotions effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of tension, vulnerability, and unexpected actions that keep the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, revealing character emotions, and advancing the plot.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure with clear character motivations and development.


Critique
  • The scene in the school bathroom between Horemheb and Parvaneh takes a sudden and inappropriate turn towards a sexual encounter, which may not align with the overall tone and themes of the screenplay.
  • The dialogue and actions of Parvaneh towards Horemheb come across as forced and unrealistic, lacking depth and authenticity in their interaction.
  • The transition from a conversation about friendship to a physical advance feels rushed and out of place, detracting from the emotional and narrative development of the characters.
  • The scene lacks subtlety and nuance in exploring the dynamics between Horemheb and Parvaneh, relying on cliched and predictable interactions to drive the plot forward.
  • The portrayal of Parvaneh as a one-dimensional character solely focused on seducing Horemheb diminishes the complexity and depth of their relationship, reducing her to a stereotypical role.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the scene to focus more on the emotional connection and development of the characters rather than resorting to a contrived romantic encounter.
  • Explore alternative ways to deepen the bond between Horemheb and Parvaneh that align with the overall themes and tone of the screenplay.
  • Introduce more subtlety and nuance in the interactions between Horemheb and Parvaneh to create a more authentic and engaging dynamic.
  • Avoid relying on cliched and predictable plot devices to drive the narrative forward, instead opting for more nuanced and character-driven storytelling.
  • Develop Parvaneh as a multi-dimensional character with her own motivations and complexities, moving beyond the stereotypical seductress role.



Scene 19 -  Horemheb's Triumph
EXT. TRIBAL CAMPSITE. DUSK

SUKETT PA, the tribe’s story teller stands before a group of camp
children ages from 6 to 12. Moonlight shines on an area enclosed by
intermittent wooden posts spaced three feet apart and tied together
by papyrus ropes that fence in the area. Firelight dances from the
torches placed ten feet apart, with enough light to watch the ritual
enactment of the slaughter.
SUKETT PA
“For those of you who don’t know me,
my name is Sukett Pa!
I’ve been our tribe’s story teller,
since I was your age, a little feller.

But, here tonight I’ll tell you the story
of our leader Horemheb’s rise to glory.
You all know our name Khopesh Nem-wer
means the strength of the black bull,
with big red eyes and the darkest wool.

To lead our tribe, Horemheb must slay
the largest black bull that can be found.
He must fight the bull without any help
till one of them is dead on the ground.

Two months ago, on this very night
Horemheb arrived to begin the fight.
He wore dried camel skins covering
his arms, legs, and chest.
His sword and dagger were the best.”

DISSOLVE TO:

Enactment of HOREMHEB fighting the bull as SUKETT PA describes it.

SUKETT PA (VO)
“Three tribesmen led the black bull
tethered by 12 feet of thick papyrus rope
tied around the bull’s neck, hoping to cope.
Two more men trail 12 feet behind
with rope tied around the bull’s hind legs.
This bull’s the most special one of its kind.

The bull was six feet tall and 2000 pounds
as he snorted, dripping great gobs of mucus
from his nose and mouth, screaming into the night,
anxiously scraping the ground, eager to fight.
Horemheb raised his arms up to the sky,
beating his chest at the bull, eye to eye.
The entire tribe was screaming and cheering.
As the men released the bull who charged
narrowly missing Horemheb’s chest while sneering.

The tribe cheers as the bull drags the two men behind.
The bull then turned sharply, scraping Horemheb's shoulder
drawing blood, and becoming bolder.
66


66

SUKETT PA CON’T (VO)

Horemheb slashes with his sword, cutting the bulls’ flesh,
then wheels around to strike at the bull’s right side.
Both he and the bull are bleeding, their blood glistening.
As the tribe yells louder as their hearts fill with pride.

Horemheb turns to face the bull, both man and bull
are enraged and invigorated, thirsting for blood.
Horemheb charges the bull screaming for its death
racing toward the charging bull with his panting breath.

Horemheb then yelled out loud to the bull,
come bull, learn of my god’s wrath!
Soon, you’ll feel Amun Re’s strength.
come greet your death, breathe your last breath!

The bull lunged at Horemheb's mid-section
landing a glancing blow.
Horemheb’s dagger strikes the bull’s shoulder,
the bull’s blood began to overflow.

One of the two rear men tripped over his rope
as Horemheb flips himself past the bull’s horn
delivering another blow to the bull’s flank
enraging the bull to its highest scorn.

Before the rear man could regain control
the bull gored two women of our tribe,
and knocked down two small girls, and two more men.
Horemheb knew he must bring this fight to its end.

Horemheb raced forward to attack the bull
stabbing it with his sword, but avoiding the horns.
The bull spun around goring the man holding the rope
as Horemheb leapt on the bull’s neck like thorns.

Stabbing at the bull’s shoulder, making him bolder.
Infuriated, the bull gores another man and then
throwing Horemheb off, he turns to gore him.
The bull’s horn rips a gash in Horemheb's skin.

Backing away to gain distance, Horemheb stops
facing the charging bull, aiming at the kill spot
just above the shoulder blade on the killing dot.
His sword finds its mark sliding deeply
into the bull’s heart, and then he falls.
As the tribe cheers in a cacophony of calls
Triumphantly, Horemheb was carried off by his men.
hopefully, you will retell this story again and again.
FADE OUT:
67


67
BATTLEGROUND. DAY

Fade in battles scenes of Egyptian army in combat.

PENEEB TOE (VO)
“Thanks to Horemheb’s leadership,
another year has happily ended
with the tribe never losing a battle,
and with pharaoh’s praise extended.

Horemheb’s military strategies
were so well planned out,
that before the enemy realizes it
they’d lost the battle in a rout.

On this hot and muggy midday,
the Hittites have been decimated.
Horemheb wants to end this skirmish,
it took longer than he estimated.”

Cut to the glaring desert Sun. HOREMHEB calmly walks behind a line of
captives: 20 men, women and children. He calmly smashes their heads
with his mace, DORGA and NEMURA follow alongside adding final death
blows to survivors. Stage left, HOREMHEB’S warriors are cheering
uproariously with each kill.

HOREMHEB
(To DORGA)
“Pick ten of your most valiant men,
and have them cut off the right hands
of the dead and vanquished males!
Then bury their remains in the desert sands.

When you’ve finished, take the tribe
and invade the Hittite city.
Allow them all the spoils of victory.
I want no prisoners, and show no pity!”

DORGA
“Yes, my lord, I shall make it so.
We, your devoted men salute you
as our commander.
The men say you should be pharaoh
there is no leader, grander!”

HOREMHEB retires toward his tent. Two men run to his side holding his
arms, stroking him affectionately.

FADE OUT:
68


68
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary Sukett Pa recounts the story of Horemheb's victory over a massive black bull, leading to his rise as the tribe's leader. The scene transitions to a battleground where Horemheb's ruthless tactics secure another Egyptian victory. Horemheb orders executions and the invasion of a Hittite city, showcasing his leadership qualities. The scene ends with Horemheb's triumph and the tribe celebrating his potential as pharaoh.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Intense action sequences
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more impactful
  • Some scenes may be too graphic for sensitive viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is impactful, intense, and emotionally charged, effectively conveying the power dynamics and conflicts within the tribe.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showcasing leadership through physical prowess and military strategy is well-executed and central to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around Horemheb's leadership and the challenges he faces in maintaining power and control within the tribe.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique ritual slaughter of a black bull as a test of leadership, adding authenticity to the tribal setting. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel genuine and reflect the cultural context of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Horemheb, Dorga, and Nemura, are well-defined and drive the action forward with their distinct personalities and actions.

Character Changes: 7

Horemheb undergoes a transformation from a tribal leader proving his strength to a military commander making tough decisions, showcasing his evolution and adaptability.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to prove his worth and leadership abilities to his tribe by successfully completing the ritual slaughter of the black bull.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to lead his tribe to victory in battles and maintain his reputation as a strong and successful leader.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, from the physical battle with the bull to the strategic decisions in the military skirmish.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges in both the ritual slaughter and the battle scenes.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with Horemheb's leadership, reputation, and the tribe's survival all hanging in the balance during the battles and decisions made.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by highlighting key moments in Horemheb's leadership journey and setting up future conflicts and challenges.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected turn of events in the battle scenes and the protagonist's decisions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the juxtaposition of leadership through strength and violence versus leadership through compassion and mercy. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about what it means to be a leader.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from pride and admiration for Horemheb's leadership to shock and discomfort at the violence depicted.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue serves the purpose of advancing the plot and showcasing the characters' motivations, but could be more nuanced and impactful.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense action, vivid descriptions, and the protagonist's internal and external conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and excitement during the ritual enactment and battle sequences.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a clear narrative arc, starting with the storytelling and ritual enactment, leading to the battle scenes, and ending with the protagonist's command to his warriors.


Critique
  • The scene transitions from Sukett Pa's storytelling to the enactment of Horemheb fighting the bull, which can be confusing for the audience. It's important to clearly establish these transitions to avoid confusion.
  • The description of the bullfight is vivid and detailed, but it may be overly graphic and violent for some audiences. Consider toning down the violence to make the scene more palatable.
  • The dialogue in the scene is poetic and descriptive, which adds to the storytelling aspect. However, it can be a bit lengthy and may benefit from some trimming to maintain the audience's engagement.
  • The scene effectively captures the tribal culture and rituals, but it could benefit from more character development and emotional depth to make the audience connect with the characters on a deeper level.
  • The transition to the battleground and Horemheb's ruthless actions may be jarring for the audience, especially after the more ceremonial and ritualistic tone of the bullfight. Consider smoothing out this transition for better coherence.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the transitions between storytelling and enactment to ensure a smooth flow of the scene.
  • Consider toning down the graphic violence in the bullfight to make it more suitable for a wider audience.
  • Trim down the dialogue to maintain audience engagement and avoid overwhelming them with too much information.
  • Focus on developing the characters and adding emotional depth to make the audience connect with the story on a more personal level.
  • Smooth out the transition between the ceremonial aspects of the bullfight and the brutal actions on the battleground to maintain coherence in the scene.



Scene 20 -  Preparing for War
INT. THEBES THRONE ROOM. DAY

Fade in to the elaborately decorated royal throne room in Thebes.
Present are Pharaoh AKHENATEN, Queen NEFERTITI, and the Vizier AY.

AY
(Addressing AKHENATEN)
“My lord, it’s come to my attention
there’s a leader of a fighting tribe
undefeated in his last six skirmishes
fighting the Hittites, without a bribe.
It is said he uses new military strategies,
and bold tactics with unparalleled success.
He gives no quarter, and leads as a general,
his name is Horemheb, he’s causing distress!”

AKHENATEN and NEFERTITI listen intently, AKHENATEN turns to NEFERTITI.

AKHENATEN
“Horemheb, I do not know that name.
Is he one of my generals, he must be
since he’s gathered so much fame?”

NEFERTITI
“I don’t believe so my husband
nor am I familiar with that name.
Children say his name
when playing a new war game.”
AY
“I’ve been hearing of his exploits too
for some time now!
But I didn’t want to bother you
with trivia you might disavow.”
NEFERTITI
“Trivia, father? Did you not consider
the protection of Akhenaten, me,
and our seven children? don’t you see?”

AKHENATEN
“No need to quibble over this.
we have a growing need,
of military genius like his.
He’d be a worthy addition, indeed!
Have this Horemheb warrior promoted,
and all his tribe too.
Give him the rank leader of four thousand,
protector, and defender of both me and you.
That will shake up the other generals,
and maybe even inspire a few.
Nefertiti, look him over and see
if he’s controllable or prone to disagree?”
FADE OUT:
69


69
INT. HOREMHEB’S FIELD TENT. DAY

Fade into midday, HOREMHEB and three of his Captains are discussing
plans for an eminent attack. All four wear leather skirts and breast
plates showing their military rank, huddled over a raised sandbox,
demonstrating military tactics.

A guard opens the tent’s entrance flap and gingerly sticks his head in.

GUARD
“General, two desert thugs are here,
claiming to be your scouts.
They beg your audience
but won’t say what its about.”
HOREMHEB
(Irritated by the interruption)
“Allow them in!”

The two men enter, trying to speak at the same time.
VAGAMU
(The louder voice)
“Great general, we got here…”

LIBRUTA
(Speaking over VAGAMU)
“…great Horemheb, the Hittites are close...”
(Angrily, HOREMHEB slaps LIBRUTA.)

HOREMHEB
“...one at a time, speak slow and clearly!
your information will be heard sincerely.”

LIBRUTA
(Stumbling over his words.)

“Great general, after two days searching,
we found the Hittite hiding place.
We pretended to be merchants selling cloth
they welcomed us and we continued forth...”
VAGAMU
(Interrupting)
“…we mingled with the soldiers,
who were really quite generous.
They even shared their food
we were extremely ravenous.”
HOREMHEB
“Tell me what you learned, quickly!
I can see you’re both very sickly!”
70


70
LIBRUTA
“Their forces number about two thousand
with about two hundred more camp dwellers,
women who do the cooking and others who
tend camp animals, and the beer sellers.

They are so inadequately equipped,
and thankful to buy all our cloth.
It helps fend off the desert chill
and they offered us homemade broth.”
VAGAMU
“They are still four day’s march
from here my lord.
There’s no time to waste,
and we cannot afford…”

LIBRUTA
“...they have bows, daggers, swords,
and spears, more than ample weapons.
The men are alert and anxious to fight.
they’re ready, without exception!”
HOREMHEB
“How long ago did you leave their camp?”
VAGAMU
“Three days ago, general,
and two very chilly nights.
We did not stop to eat or rest
and here we are to attest.”
(HOREMHEB calls to the outside guard.)

HOREMHEB
“Benta, see to it these men are given food,
and a warm place to sleep.
Their information is valuable enough to keep!”
The two men bow deeply, slinking out of the tent. HOREMHEB resumes,
smoothing out sand with an arrow, and drawing battle plans.

“Barokk, you take two thousand men
and circle the Hittite encampment.
By coming around to their left flank
we’ll have them in our entrapment.
I will set our position for attack
one day’s travel right from here,
and then quietly wait for them,
and surely surprise them there.
You, Captain Zrado,
also take two thousand men,
and wait for them out of sight.
Position yourself on their right flank,
and be ready for a slaughtering fight!
71


71
HOREMHEB CON’T
Now, my anxious Captain Porodte,
you will lead the frontal attack.
With your two thousand men.
you know I’ll have your back!

I and the remaining four thousand
will circle and attack from the rear.
We’ll execute every last one of them
and take the booty, for you to share!”
PORODTE
(Responds insistently)
“But general, why waste two days?
We can devote the entire division
to a surprising frontal attack,
under my expert supervision.
Apparently, they’re not aware
we know exactly where they wait.
In one fell swoop we’d save two days
and ensure success without debate...”
HOREMHEB
(Shaking his head, smiling)
“…yes, it would save time,
but also double our fatalities.
Your perspective is, as always, obvious!
and ignorant of its true realities!

I’m wary of you always assuming
that you know better than me.
You often disagree!
In my army, there’s only one leader
and that one is decidedly me!”
Turning to the sand board, he pulls a dagger from his waistband.

HOREMHEB
“Your services are no longer needed!”

HOREMHEB plunges the dagger into PORODTE’S body. His eyes flutter as he
drops to the sand floor.
FADE OUT:
72
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","War","Drama"]

Summary Vizier Ay informs Pharaoh Akhenaten and Queen Nefertiti about the undefeated military leader Horemheb. Akhenaten promotes Horemheb to the rank of leader of four thousand and orders him to be Nefertiti's protector. Scouts Vagamu and Librurta inform Horemheb of the Hittites' location, numbers, equipment, and readiness. Horemheb devises a battle plan involving three frontal attacks and a rear attack. Captain Porodte disagrees with Horemheb's plan and suggests a frontal attack instead. Horemheb kills Porodte for his insubordination, solidifying his authority as the sole leader of his army.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Character development
  • Plot advancement
Weaknesses
  • Violent resolution
  • Lack of resolution for other characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, dramatic, and pivotal in the story, setting up significant consequences for the characters involved.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a military leader making a tough decision in a high-stakes situation is well-executed and adds depth to the character of Horemheb.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the decision made by Horemheb, leading to a major turning point in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on historical drama, blending elements of power struggles and military strategy with personal relationships and loyalty. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, especially Horemheb, are developed through their actions and decisions in this scene.

Character Changes: 8

Horemheb's character undergoes a significant change as he makes a ruthless decision, showcasing his leadership style and moral compass.

Internal Goal: 8

Akhenaten's internal goal is to maintain his power and protect his family, as seen in his decision to promote Horemheb for military purposes.

External Goal: 7

Akhenaten's external goal is to strengthen his military forces and protect his kingdom from external threats, as evidenced by his decision to promote Horemheb.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Horemheb and his Captain adds tension and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and power dynamics between the characters. The audience is left unsure of Horemheb's true intentions, adding a layer of complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Horemheb's decision impacts the outcome of the upcoming battle and his relationships with his subordinates.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new conflict and changing the dynamics between characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist at the end, where Horemheb betrays his captain, adding a layer of suspense and intrigue to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the balance between power and loyalty, as Akhenaten must navigate the loyalty of his generals while maintaining his authority.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes strong emotions due to the intense decision-making and consequences faced by the characters.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, revealing the power dynamics and conflicts between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its rich dialogue, tense atmosphere, and dramatic conflict. The interactions between the characters and the unfolding of the military strategy keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, leading to the climactic moment of Horemheb's betrayal. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the emotional impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a historical drama, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the visual and emotional impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for historical drama, with clear character introductions, conflict development, and resolution. The pacing and formatting enhance the tension and suspense of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene introduces a new character, Vizier Ay, who brings information about the military leader Horemheb to Pharaoh Akhenaten and Queen Nefertiti. This character introduction may need more context or development to establish Ay's relationship with the royal family and his role in the kingdom.
  • The dialogue between the characters feels a bit formal and exposition-heavy, lacking a natural flow or emotional depth. Consider adding more subtext, conflict, or personal stakes to make the interaction more engaging and dynamic.
  • The transition from discussing Horemheb to the scene in Horemheb's field tent feels abrupt and disjointed. It may benefit from a smoother segue or a clearer connection between the two settings to maintain narrative coherence.
  • The scene in Horemheb's field tent introduces new characters and provides detailed information about the upcoming battle with the Hittites. While the dialogue effectively conveys strategic planning and military tactics, the interactions between the characters could be further developed to add depth and complexity to their relationships.
  • The conflict between Horemheb and Captain Porodte escalates quickly and ends with a violent resolution, which may feel rushed or lacking in emotional impact. Consider building up the tension and stakes leading to the confrontation to make the outcome more impactful and meaningful.
Suggestions
  • Provide more context for Vizier Ay's character and his motivations to bring information about Horemheb to the royal family.
  • Focus on adding depth to the dialogue by incorporating subtext, personal conflicts, and emotional nuances to make the interactions more engaging.
  • Work on smoother transitions between scenes to ensure a seamless flow of the narrative and maintain reader engagement.
  • Develop the relationships between characters in Horemheb's field tent to create more dynamic and compelling interactions that enhance the storytelling.
  • Consider pacing the conflict between Horemheb and Captain Porodte to build tension and emotional resonance, leading to a more impactful resolution.



Scene 21 -  The General and the Queen
INT. DESERT BATTLE AREA. DAY

Fade in to early morning mist as it settles in the valley, clearly, the
battle has recently ended. Still are heard the cries of wounded men,
and unseen horses are screaming in their death throes. Body parts are
strewn all about. PENEEB TOE enters stage left.

PENEEB TOE (VO)
“Horemheb’s army, of ten thousand men
surprised the unwary Hittites that very dawn.
After three hours of bloody violence,
22 survived, others wished they were never born.
Horemheb’s genius was apparent.
Egyptian losses were very low,
eighty dead, and 200 wounded,
that number would surely grow.
Horemheb was among the wounded
with an arrow in his shoulder.
He fought brilliantly, and his battle plans
were unique, and explicitly bolder!”

Twenty-two Hittite captives are kneeling with their hands bound by
papyrus rope tied behind their backs. Two Egyptian soldiers stand
behind each captive guarding him. HOREMHEB approaches.

HOREMHEB
“You, most unfortunate warriors,
last survivors of your army.
You were sent here to destroy
our way of life, and kill me!
You have failed miserably!
You dared invade our land.
Now, you will know the taste
of beloved Egypt's sand!”

A muffled murmur rumbles through the horrified Hittite captives, as
they await their fate. At HOREMHEB’S signal, one of the two guards
cuts the tendons at the back of the Hittites’ necks, forcing their
heads back and opening their mouths. The second guard shovels sand
into their mouths. They sputter, and gag, choking to death.
HOREMHEB
“You die here in glorious Egypt,
and may the great god Amun Re
grant that you are never reborn!
that is all I have to say!”
FADE OUT:
73




Fade in to bubbling clouds PENEEB TOE beckons to the audience.
PENEEB TOE
“Word of his victories spread like wildfire.
He was greeted everywhere,
with cheers and flowers,
feeding his ego with desire, and newfound powers.
He was elated, happy and inflated,
a man destined for greatness.
Nefertiti soon summoned him to appear.
Wondering was this warrior controllable,
or someone she would have to fear?
HOREMHEB had heard stories about this queen.
Her beauty was acknowledged by all.
It was said, of course, in whispers,
she was plotting pharaoh’s downfall”
DISSOLVE:

To the great audience hall at Thebes, with its white polished floors
and walls adorned with beautiful colored hieroglyphics; murals and
pictograms of Egyptian life. HOREMHEB kneels listening to the beat of
drums, flute and cymbals as the procession nears. Seeing NEFERTITI’S
entourage coming, he stands and bows deeply. Leading the procession
are four dancing girls tossing flower petals, scenting the air for the
queen as she sits high on a throne carried by four black men. Another
small group of people follow behind, and alongside her throne are more
black men waving white ostrich feathers.

Reaching HOREMHEB, two muscled black men lift him to a standing
position, their arms covered with gold bracelets wound from their
biceps to their wrists. Grand vizier AY in black robes approaches.

AY
“Greetings to you, general H oremheb,
and welcome to the great Thebes palace,
home of the one true god, Ra,
who greets you with love and without malice!

I am Ay, Egypt’s grand vizier
here now to award your heroism.
Your exploits have been seen,
and noted by our king and queen.
(Turning, the man bows deeply to NEFERTITI and back to HOREMHEB)

Her royal highness and royal mother;
the all-knowing Nefertiti, our queen.
May she live forever, and always smile,
and from all evil, remain unseen!

The living god, the majestic Akhenaten,
and his queen Nefertiti both decree
that you, Horemheb, are now forever known
as general, to lead their grand army.
74




AY CON’T
But take care not to gaze upon her person,
under the veiled threat of death!
For in so doing you show respect and care
from now on, until your dying breath.”
NEFERTITI
“Rise up my commander general,
so I may see firsthand,
the bravery and daring in your eyes
as you protect our precious land, rise!

HOREMHEB looks up at her in amazement, her eyes are lavender, outlined
with black kohl. Her skin’s translucent beige; her lips are heart-
shaped; thick, and hennaed. She wears a robe of leopard skin draped
over her left shoulder, and below a sheer white linen gown, exposing
her right breast with its hennaed nipple.

Horemheb, my illustrious general,
is your first action as my fighting man
to boldly stare directly at me?
Have you no fear of death?
Turn away now, as quickly as you can!

She pauses as HOREMHEB still stares, mesmerized.

Yet, I find you sufficiently handsome
to allow you this transgression.
For you have vanquished Egypt’s enemies
earning our favorable impression.

You may thank my gracious father,
the illustrious grand vizier Ay,
for telling us about your victories.
So I can reward you, on this very day.”

HOREMHEB’S smitten, his mind’s racing with jumbled thoughts. NEFERTITI
leans forward, and kisses him playfully, biting his lips. He bites her
back playfully.
HOREMHEB
“I’ve heard of this before
but it never happened to me.
Why, at this time in my life
old the gods allow me to see?

Why, when life has been so grand,
make my heart beat like a band?
I’ve seen beautiful women before,
never one, like this queen.
They say to look upon her
real magic to be seen.”
75




NEFERTITI
“So, this is my Horemheb
the warrior for my soul.
Can he become my plaything,
and someone I can control?
handsome enough as I can clearly see.
And he’s already quite smitten
from the moment he laid his eyes on me.”

HOREMHEB
“Her beauty is beyond belief
to gaze upon her is astounding.
Can you hear my heart beating now,
it’s an echo that’s resounding!
I can hear it in my body
or is it through my head.
A pulsation that keeps on growing
like a hunger to be fed.”

NEFERTITI
“Yes, there’s something about him
a stature and sense of confidence.
He’s different from other leaders
in his bright eyes I see intelligence.
And he’s quite beautiful too,
I see a man for all seasons.
Akhenaten’s never there for me,
but then, I don’t need reasons.”

HOREMHEB
“Her beauty is beyond words
like the stars up in the skies.
I never felt like this before,
I want her now, yes my body cries!
So, it’s not only men I love,
I clearly see that now.
I need to hold and kiss her
but I really don’t know how?”

NEFERTITI
“I will have him for my own
and anytime I so desire.
His eyes tell of deep passion!
He will give me all I require.
together, we will create a fire!”

HOREMHEB
“I’ve heard of this before,
but it never happened to me.
Why, at this time in my life
would the gods want me to see?
Can you hear my heart beating?
it’s so loud inside my head.
There’s nothing I want more than
to bring her to my bed!”

FADE OUT:
76
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Drama","Action"]

Summary After a brutal battle, General Horemheb executes Hittite captives on the battlefield. He is then introduced to Queen Nefertiti, who defies his gaze and playfully kisses him. Both are drawn to each other, despite the underlying tension and power dynamics. The scene ends with Horemheb longing to bring Nefertiti to his bed.
Strengths
  • Rich historical detail
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • Intense emotional moments
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic
  • Certain actions may seem extreme or unrealistic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, with a mix of action, romance, and drama that keeps the audience captivated.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a rising military leader in ancient Egypt, intertwined with political intrigue and personal relationships, is compelling.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a clear progression of events and strong character motivations.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on historical fiction, blending elements of romance, intrigue, and political power struggles in ancient Egypt. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are complex and engaging, with conflicting emotions and desires driving their actions.

Character Changes: 8

Horemheb undergoes significant changes, from a victorious warrior to a conflicted lover and ambitious leader.

Internal Goal: 8

Horemheb's internal goal in this scene is to prove his worth and loyalty to Egypt, as well as to navigate his feelings towards Nefertiti. This reflects his deeper desire for recognition, acceptance, and possibly love.

External Goal: 7

Horemheb's external goal is to receive recognition and promotion from the king and queen of Egypt for his heroic actions in battle. This reflects the immediate circumstances of his military career and the challenges he faces in navigating the royal court.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, adding tension and drama.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires, power struggles, and moral dilemmas. The audience is left wondering how the characters will navigate these challenges.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with political power, personal relationships, and life-and-death battles at play.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward, setting up key relationships and conflicts for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in character interactions and the shifting power dynamics. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the relationships will develop.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between duty and desire, loyalty to the state versus personal feelings. Horemheb must balance his commitment to Egypt with his growing attraction to Nefertiti, knowing that it could have consequences.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly in the interactions between Horemheb and Nefertiti.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the characters' inner thoughts and conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dramatic tension, emotional depth, and historical intrigue. The conflict and character dynamics keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences adds to the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character dialogue, and transitions. The visual elements enhance the storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene opens with a vivid and graphic description of the aftermath of a battle, which sets a dark and intense tone. The imagery of body parts strewn about and wounded men adds a level of brutality that may be too explicit for some audiences.
  • The dialogue between Horemheb and the Hittite captives is powerful and conveys a sense of vengeance and triumph. However, the method of execution, cutting tendons and shoveling sand into their mouths, may be too gruesome and disturbing for some viewers.
  • The introduction of Penneb Toe as a narrator adds an interesting storytelling element but may disrupt the flow of the scene and create a disconnect between the audience and the action taking place.
  • The transition to Nefertiti's arrival at Thebes Palace introduces a new dynamic between Horemheb and the queen, setting up a potential romantic subplot. However, the sudden shift in focus from the battle to the palace may feel disjointed and abrupt.
  • The internal monologues of Horemheb and Nefertiti add depth to their characters and hint at a complex relationship brewing between them. However, the repetition of their thoughts and feelings about each other may become redundant and slow down the pacing of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider toning down the graphic descriptions of violence and gore to make the scene more palatable for a wider audience.
  • Streamline the transition between the battle aftermath and Nefertiti's arrival to maintain a cohesive narrative flow.
  • Integrate Penneb Toe's narration more seamlessly into the scene to enhance the storytelling without disrupting the action.
  • Explore ways to convey the growing attraction between Horemheb and Nefertiti more subtly and gradually to build tension and intrigue.
  • Trim down the repetitive internal monologues to keep the scene engaging and focused on the central conflict and character dynamics.



Scene 22 -  Secrets and Sacrifices
INT. NEFERTITI’S BED CHAMBER. NIGHT

Fade in as HOREMHEB and NEFERTITI lie naked under the soft linens and
assorted cushions. The room is immense, lavishly decorated with highly
polished floors, and vividly colored hieroglyphics on the walls.

NEFERTITI
“You’ve not been with many women,
I sense that in your love making.
I imagine such a man as you
has anyone for the taking.”

HOREMHEB
“That is true, my queen.
I preferred the company of men,
but I like the female body too,
come, let us make love again!”

NEFERTITI
“Soon, my anxious general,
but first, understand me well.
I’m a royal queen of Egypt,
with a sitting pharaoh under my spell.
He’s well versed in lovemaking,
despite a clearly effeminate figure.
He’s fathered six beautiful daughters,
and one son, Tutankhamun, who’s disfigured.
Tut was born of another woman’s body,
but she’s also is of royal standing,
One day soon, Tut will be pharaoh,
but I’ll be the one commanding.
I’m sorry to say that he’s deformed,
even more so than his father.
He needs walking sticks to get around,
and his cleft lip is a bother.”
HOREMHEB
(Holding her close)
“Speak to me only of you and I!
You’ve given me a taste of lust.
I want you as often as possible
we have little time to adjust.”

NEFERTITI
“My dear general, who’s so impetuous.
Slow down. We’ll share pleasure again,
I’ll teach you the sensuous secrets of Isis.
No woman of man can deny you then”.

FADE OUT:
77


77
EXT. NILE RIVER BANK. EARLY MORNING

Fade in to the full moon’s reflection glistening off a bend in the
Nile. Two women briskly walk toward the bulrushes on the bank of the
Nile; one’s carrying an infant nestled in a papyrus basket.

The voice of PENEEB TOE is heard off screen.
PENEEB TOE (VO)
“19 years earlier, Amenhotep the 3rd,
ninth pharaoh of the 18th dynasty,
his wife queen Tiye, and their 5 children
lived in the Malkata palace with notoriety.

It was a peaceful time for Egypt,
Nile inundations had been excellent.
The people were content to live under
Amenhotep the 3rd’s rule and testament.

He was generous and fair to the people,
showing devotion to the all the gods.
Imperfection of any kind was forbidden,
deformed children were killed or hidden.”

Together, the women run into the bulrushes.
JOCHEBED
“Hurry Miriam, we must finish before daybreak,
quickly now, for the baby’s sake!”
MIRIAM
“Mother, I fear the gods will
not forgive what we do!
If we’re discovered
we could be murdered too!”
JOCHEBED
“I know daughter, your father knows best.
He says the baby will surely be killed
because it’s deformed in so many ways.
It’s life will be short, and unfulfilled!”
MIRIAM
“But, Jochebed, don’t you think
the crocodiles will devour him?
Care you not for this baby’s life?
The gods will declare this as a sin.”

JOCHEBED
“Of course, I care Miriam,
I care with all my heart.
How else could I do this?
We agreed from the start!”

JOCHEBED takes one last look at his elongated head and face, and
pushes the basket out forward.
DISSOLVE:
78


78
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Romance","Drama"]

Summary In this scene, Nefertiti and Horemheb engage in intimate conversation in Nefertiti's bed chamber, discussing their desires and the political situation involving Tutankhamun. Meanwhile, Jochebed and Miriam struggle with the decision to hide a deformed baby in a basket and place it on the Nile river bank. The scene ends with Jochebed pushing the basket into the river, highlighting the difficult sacrifices they must make.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • High stakes conflict
Weaknesses
  • Potential for controversy due to the taboo nature of the romance

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally charged, with a mix of romance, tragedy, and intense moments. The dialogue is engaging, and the conflict is high, keeping the audience invested.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of forbidden love between a general and a queen in ancient Egypt is intriguing and well-executed. The political implications add depth to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging, with a focus on the forbidden romance between Horemheb and Nefertiti. The scene moves the story forward and sets up future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on historical figures and events, presenting a unique interpretation of Nefertiti's character and the challenges she faces.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Horemheb and Nefertiti are well-developed, with complex motivations and desires. Their interactions drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 8

Both Horemheb and Nefertiti undergo significant emotional changes in the scene, as they navigate their forbidden love and the consequences it may bring.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain her power and influence over the pharaoh and secure her position as the one commanding despite the challenges she faces with Tutankhamun's deformities.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to engage in a passionate encounter with Horemheb while also managing the delicate political and familial dynamics within the royal family.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between love and duty, as well as the political implications of the romance, create a high-stakes situation that keeps the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires, societal expectations, and personal sacrifices creating obstacles for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as the forbidden romance between Horemheb and Nefertiti could have serious consequences for both of them.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by developing the romance between Horemheb and Nefertiti, setting up future conflicts and challenges for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected revelations about Tutankhamun's deformities and the complex dynamics between Nefertiti and Horemheb.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of power, deception, and sacrifice. Nefertiti must navigate her desires for personal pleasure with her responsibilities as a queen and the sacrifices she must make to maintain her position.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, including love, sorrow, and fear. The tragic elements heighten the emotional impact and draw the audience in.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is rich and emotive, capturing the tension and passion between the characters. It reveals their inner thoughts and desires effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of historical intrigue, personal drama, and emotional stakes that draw the audience into the characters' lives.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, allowing the audience to immerse themselves in the characters' dilemmas.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution that advances the narrative.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Nefertiti and Horemheb feels a bit forced and unnatural, lacking subtlety and depth in their interaction.
  • The exposition provided by Nefertiti about Tutankhamun's deformities and his parentage feels overly expository and could be integrated more smoothly into the conversation.
  • The transition from the intimate moment between Nefertiti and Horemheb to the scene at the Nile River bank with Jochebed and Miriam feels abrupt and disjointed.
  • The dialogue between Jochebed and Miriam at the Nile River bank comes across as somewhat stilted and melodramatic, lacking in nuance and authenticity.
  • The voiceover narration by Peneeb Toe feels intrusive and disrupts the flow of the scene, detracting from the emotional impact of the moment.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the dialogue between Nefertiti and Horemheb to make it more organic and reflective of their characters' emotions and motivations.
  • Integrate the exposition about Tutankhamun more subtly into the conversation between Nefertiti and Horemheb, avoiding direct information dumps.
  • Smooth out the transition between the intimate scene in Nefertiti's bed chamber and the emotional moment at the Nile River bank to create a more cohesive narrative flow.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Jochebed and Miriam at the Nile River bank by infusing it with more natural language and emotional depth to make their interaction more relatable.
  • Consider reevaluating the use of voiceover narration by Peneeb Toe to see if the information can be conveyed more effectively through the characters' actions and dialogue.



Scene 23 -  The Foundling Prince
INT. QUEEN TIYE’S BED CHAMBER. DAY

Queen TIYE’S being groomed in her quarters at the Malkata palace. Her
eldest daughter, SITAMUN, enters running, carrying a baby wrapped in
swaddling.
SITAMUN
(Excited)

“Mother, mother, see what the gods have
brought to us, on this very day.
It’s something you’ll want to discuss
it concerns you and all of us!”

Queen TIYE, fortyish, attractive and regal is preoccupied and totally
absorbed in being beautified. Her eyes remain closed being kohled.)

TIYE
(Exasperated)
“Oh Sitamun, what is it now,
why do you bother me anyhow?”

SITAMUN
“Honorable queen mother, open your eyes,
this I kn0w you must see!
It’s the most exciting thing that’s
ever happened to me”

Reluctantly, TIYE opens the swaddling. Her mouth opens in surprise.

TIYE
“Who is this baby? Why bring it here?
Return it Sitamun, and I don’t care where!”

SITAMUN
“Not more than ten minutes ago,
I found a basket floating in the Nile.
It contained this child inside it.
I thought we’d keep it for a while.
I knew crocodiles would devour it
if I didn’t remove it right then.
The baby’s deformed I think,
we must hide it from father’s men!”
TIYE
(Coddling the infant)
“How very, very sad to think
a mother could be so heartless!
You found it, you say, in the Nile?
Since when do you have compassion?
it’s certainly not your style!”
79


79
SITAMUN
“But mother, can’t you see this
child is clearly deformed!
If another had discovered it,
it will surely have been scorned.

I know about pharaoh’s edict
that deformed infants must die.
That this child is deformed
is a fact impossible to deny”.
TIYE
“Perhaps daughter, I think you may be right,
I see his head’s elongated and thin.
But he’s still Amun’s creation
to turn him in would surely be a sin.

TIYE takes the baby, carefully inspecting it.

Yes, as a mother I could love this child!
I see no reason not to.
Pharaoh must never learn of this,
having a new baby yes, that I do miss!

TIYE begins kissing and snuggling the baby.

As royal wife to Amenhotep the 3rd,
and Egypt’s Queen mother.
I will not let this child die!
I refuse to be that mean!
I will adopt him as my very own.
I decree it, no one will dare oppose!
I’ll name him Amenhotep the 4th,
as brother to my firstborn, Thutmose.

TIYE turning to her handmaidens.

All of you here, witnessing today
are forever sworn to secrecy.
You never saw what’s happening here
under the pain of death, is that clear?

No one, especially pharaoh,
must ever learn this child
was not born of his seed,
or that he’s been beguiled.”
SITAMUN and the others bow their heads in abject affirmation.
FADE OUT:
80


80

Fade in to the bubbling clouds as PENEEB TOE speaks.
PENEEB TOE
“As the years passed, Amenhotep, the 4th
grew wide hips, breasts, and an uneven gait.
Pharaoh often called upon him to ask for advice
on the most important matters of the state.

Amenhotep the 4th confided to his father
that he could hear god speaking to him.
He said it occurred when he was at prayer
pharaoh dismissed the preposterous whim.

Amenhotep the 4th’s deformities were never
discussed, except by his four sisters.
His brother Thutmose died as a child
and his father always felt beguiled.

Queen Tiye forever kept the secret,
Amenhotep the 3rd died in 1353 BC,
Amenhotep the 4th became pharaoh,
he was 27, and adjusted to his deformity.
He soon changed his name to Akhenaten
meaning ‘of great use to the god Aten.
He married the beautiful one, Nefertiti
and fathered six daughters with his queen.
His only son was born from a harem woman;
Kiya, a secondary wife who’s seldom seen.
It was a peaceful time in the land of Egypt
pharaoh and his queen made time to bestow
military honors on the now general Horemheb,
with generous provisions for all to know. “
FADE OUT:
81


81
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Queen Tiye's daughter discovers a deformed baby floating in the Nile and brings it to her mother. Queen Tiye is hesitant to accept the baby but decides to adopt him after learning about his deformity. She names him Amenhotep the 4th and swears her handmaidens to secrecy about his origins.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intriguing concept
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, emotionally impactful, and sets up a significant plot point in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of hiding a deformed baby from the Pharaoh and his eventual rise to power is unique and intriguing.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a clear conflict and resolution that drives the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on historical events, blending elements of compassion, secrecy, and defiance within a royal setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined and their actions drive the plot forward.

Character Changes: 8

The character of Amenhotep the 4th undergoes significant changes from being a hidden deformed baby to becoming Pharaoh.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect the deformed infant and ensure its survival, despite the societal norms and potential consequences. This reflects her compassion, empathy, and willingness to defy authority for the greater good.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to keep the infant hidden from Pharaoh and his men to prevent its death. This reflects the immediate challenge of protecting the child from harm and maintaining secrecy.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between hiding the deformed baby and the Pharaoh's edict adds tension to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Queen Tiye faces the challenge of protecting the infant while defying societal norms and risking the wrath of Pharaoh. The audience is unsure of how she will navigate the situation.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as the characters risk their lives to keep the baby a secret and ensure his survival.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a key character and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in terms of the protagonist's decisions and the potential consequences of defying societal norms. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the value of life, compassion, and the duty to protect the vulnerable. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about societal norms and the consequences of defying authority.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact of the scene is high, especially in the decision to keep the baby a secret and the eventual rise to power.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the characters and their motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional depth, moral dilemmas, and the protagonist's internal struggles. The dialogue and actions keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, emotional depth, and moral dilemmas. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, character cues, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the emotional and moral dilemmas.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or emotional depth, considering the gravity of the situation presented.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural, lacking in subtlety and nuance.
  • The character interactions and reactions seem superficial and do not fully explore the emotional complexity of the situation.
  • The transition from Queen Tiye's initial reluctance to accepting the deformed baby feels rushed and lacks a believable emotional arc.
  • The scene could benefit from more descriptive language to create a vivid and immersive setting.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more depth to the characters' emotions and motivations to make the scene more engaging and relatable.
  • Work on refining the dialogue to make it sound more authentic and reflective of the characters' personalities.
  • Slow down the pacing of the scene to allow for more tension and emotional impact to build.
  • Explore the internal conflicts and moral dilemmas faced by the characters in greater detail to add complexity to the scene.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more vivid and immersive setting for the audience.



Scene 24 -  The Hittite Spy
INT. HOREMHEB’S QUARTERS. DAY

Fade into HOREMHEB sitting at a desk writing on a papyrus scroll, two
armed guards approach.
GUARD ONE
“Commander, please forgive the intrusion! Abusir,
the granary master begs your audience.”
HOREMHEB
(Annoyed, he answers without looking up.)
“Later, I’m too busy now!”

GUARD ONE
“General, he insists he’s captured
a Hittite spy in the granary!”
HOREMHEB
“Spy, you say? OK bring him!”

Both guards run off, and son return dragging ABUSIR; a short, pudgy, bald
man, stopping before HOREMHEB. The guards leave, ABUSIR, obviously
fearing HOREMHEB, remains prostrate on the ground. His crooked nose and
missing teeth cause him to sputter as he speaks. HOREMHEB reacts with
grunts, feigning understanding and consideration.
ABUSIR
“As you very well know, my lord,
I am charged with inspecting the granaries
two or three times every day.
I make sure there are no creatures
inside, eating the wheat I make from hay.

This morning while I was checking
the storehouses, I heard a loud sound.
I saw a man standing on a ladder
nervously looking all around.
Then he began forcing a dead piglet
into the opening at the top.
I banged the ladder, knocking him off,
it was the only way to make him stop!.

When he landed, I beat on his head
repeatedly with a grain shovel.
It knocked him unconscious and then
he fell down, onto a pile of rubble.

Obviously, he tried to poison the grain.
so, I’m sure that he’s a Hittite spy.
I quickly called for the guards,
I insisted on personally telling you why.”
HOREMHEB
“Excellent Abusir, I will see to it at once!
Also I will reward you amply!
For you protected our food supply.
you did well Abusir, now goodbye!”
82


82
ABUSIR
“Oh, thank you general Horemheb.
you honor me, and in return,
may I honor you...?”

HOREMHEB
“...get on with it Abusir, you’re wasting my time!”
HOREMHEB turns back to writing. ABUSIR quickly responds.

ABUSIR
“General, please listen to me.
I have a beautiful daughter,
one of the loveliest in the land,
and I want you to have her hand.

She was once molested within your command.
One tried last night, but I stopped him.
Then he threatened to have me killed,
he never said how much grain he spilled.

You are known to be generous and kind,
you deserve a woman, beautiful and refined”
HOREMHEB
(Laughing)
“If she resembles you,
I’d feed her to the crocodiles too!”
(He pauses, reconsidering.)
“How old is she?”
ABUSIR
“She’s fifteen, my lord,
and extremely beautiful,
as you will surely see.
If I can put her life in your hands
she’ll make you as happy as can be.”
HOREMHEB
“You may be right? It’s time for me
to take a wife and make a family.
Besides, I’m tired of your fawning
bring her to me tomorrow morning.”
DISSOLVE:
83


83
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Horemheb is interrupted by guards bringing Abusir, who claims to have captured a Hittite spy in the granary. Abusir recounts catching the spy trying to poison the grain, and Horemheb rewards him. Abusir then offers his daughter's hand in marriage to Horemheb, who agrees to meet her the next day.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing plot developments
  • Complex character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some elements of humor may not resonate with all audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging and well-written, with a mix of tension, humor, and character development. The dialogue is sharp, and the plot advances effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a general dealing with a spy threat while also considering a marriage proposal is intriguing and adds depth to the character of Horemheb.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-structured, with a clear conflict and resolution. The introduction of the spy subplot adds intrigue and sets up future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique blend of historical setting, political intrigue, and personal drama. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and unpredictable, adding depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, with distinct personalities and motivations. Horemheb's decision-making process and Abusir's desperation are compelling.

Character Changes: 7

Horemheb experiences a shift in his priorities and decision-making process, showcasing his development as a character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his authority and power while also potentially seeking companionship or a family. Horemheb's initial annoyance at the interruption and his eventual consideration of Abusir's offer reflect his desire for control and possibly a desire for personal connection.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to investigate the alleged Hittite spy and protect the food supply. Horemheb's decision to see to the matter at once and reward Abusir reflects his commitment to maintaining security and order within his domain.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Horemheb and Abusir, as well as the internal conflict within Horemheb regarding the marriage proposal, creates tension and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals, power dynamics, and moral dilemmas. The audience is left uncertain about the characters' motivations and actions, adding depth and complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high for Horemheb, as he must navigate political intrigue, personal relationships, and potential threats to his leadership.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, relationships, and dilemmas that will impact future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, the moral ambiguity of the characters, and the shifting power dynamics. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around power, loyalty, and personal gain. Abusir's attempt to secure his daughter's safety by offering her to Horemheb challenges the values of honor, integrity, and morality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from tension to humor. The moral dilemma faced by Horemheb adds depth to the character.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and reveals character dynamics effectively. The humor adds depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, suspense, and moral dilemmas. The dynamic between the characters, the unexpected twists, and the high stakes keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, suspense, and emotional impact. The dialogue and character interactions are well-paced, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and character actions are well-defined.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness, building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or importance given the gravity of the situation with a captured Hittite spy.
  • The dialogue between Horemheb and Abusir feels forced and unnatural, lacking depth and authenticity.
  • The character of Abusir is portrayed in a stereotypical and one-dimensional manner, which diminishes the overall impact of the scene.
  • The transition from Horemheb's initial annoyance to his sudden interest in Abusir's daughter feels abrupt and unconvincing.
  • The humor injected into the scene with Horemheb's comment about feeding the daughter to crocodiles detracts from the seriousness of the situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more tension and suspense to the scene to highlight the importance of dealing with a captured spy.
  • Work on developing more realistic and engaging dialogue that reflects the characters' personalities and motivations.
  • Provide more depth to the character of Abusir to make him more relatable and interesting to the audience.
  • Smooth out the transition between Horemheb's initial dismissal of Abusir to his sudden interest in his daughter to make it more believable.
  • Avoid using humor that undermines the seriousness of the scene and instead focus on maintaining a consistent tone throughout.



Scene 25 -  Power Struggle and Passion
INT. HOREMHEB’S QUARTERS. AFTERNOON

Horemheb’s quarters; twenty-four hours later. Horemheb’s writing at his
desk center stage as the doors open stage left, and two armed guards
escort ABUSIR and AMENIA to within 4 feet of Horemheb’s desk. He rises.

HOREMHEB
“Guards, take Abusir, and leave the girl.”
The guards take ABUSIR and exit. HOREMHEB examines her, opening her
mouth, checks her teeth and ears. Then tears her linens, baring her
breasts. AMENIA stands defiant. Her black wig’s shoulder length with
squared bangs over kohled eyes. Her figure’s curvaceous.

HOREMHEB
(Chuckles approvingly)
“Go to the kitchen area
and prepare a meal of fresh bread,
goat meat, and boiled onions.
No, make it duck meat instead!
Season it well, befitting a general.
and then, I will decide whether
to keep or have you and your father
sent to the afterlife together!”

He sits at his desk. AMENIA picks up her torn linens, covering herself.
AMENIA
“My lord, may I ask a question?”
HOREMHEB looks up at her and then leans back in his chair.
HOREMHEB
“If you’re concerned about living with me,
or how much food I will provide?
Go now to the kitchen,
and leave your pride inside!”

AMENIA
(Brazenly)
“It is said you prefer the company of men.
Do you plan on using me only as a cook
and then having me exiled or killed
without ever taken a really good look?”
HOREMHEB
“What i do is of no concern of yours!
And to appease your lascivious tongue,
know that I enjoy the company of both
genders equally, as long as they are young”.

AMENIA places her hands flat on the desk, leaning toward him.
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84
AMENIA
“I’m no camp whore, general!
I cook, clean, and play 2 musical instruments,
I draw hieroglyphics, and dance very well,
and I always complete reasonable commitments!

Lastly, I’m extremely well versed
in the art of love making, all that
you know, is yours for the taking!”
HOREMHEB
(Laughing)
“Did you expect applause from me?
You’re fortunate to be alive.
go to the kitchen and start to learn
how to be grateful and survive!”
AMENIA comes around the desk to confront him.
AMENIA
“Prove to me you that are man enough!
If you think you have the right stuff?”

HOREMHEB smacks her face, she reels backward. After composing herself,
she presses against his body and begins kissing him. HOREMHEB returns
the kiss, leaning her back over the desk, making love to her. She’s
just as forceful as he.

FADE OUT:
85


85
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Romance","Drama"]

Summary In this scene, Horemheb examines Amenia, tears her linens, and orders her to prepare a meal. Amenia confronts Horemheb about his intentions and they engage in a physical confrontation that leads to them making love. The conflict arises from the power dynamics between Horemheb and Amenia, which are temporarily resolved through their physical interaction. The emotional tone is tense, confrontational, and ultimately sensual, with significant visual elements including Horemheb examining Amenia and the physical encounter that ensues.
Strengths
  • Intense character dynamics
  • Compelling dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Potentially controversial content
  • Power dynamics may be uncomfortable for some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging and impactful, with strong character dynamics and emotional intensity.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of power, desire, and manipulation is well-executed, creating a compelling and intense scene.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the interaction between Horemheb and Amenia, revealing more about Horemheb's character and motivations.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces a fresh approach to power dynamics and gender roles in ancient Egypt, with authentic character actions and dialogue that add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Horemheb and Amenia are well-developed and their interactions drive the scene with depth and complexity.

Character Changes: 7

Horemheb's character is further revealed through his interaction with Amenia, showing different facets of his personality.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assert her worth, challenge the general's assumptions about her, and potentially manipulate the situation to her advantage. This reflects her desire for survival, agency, and autonomy in a patriarchal society.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the dangerous power dynamics with the general, potentially securing her and her father's safety while also asserting her own agency and worth.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Horemheb and Amenia is intense and drives the scene forward with emotional and dramatic tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and power dynamics between the characters creating tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are present in the power dynamics between Horemheb and Amenia, with potential consequences for both characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the understanding of Horemheb's character and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected shifts in power dynamics and the bold actions of the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between gender roles, power dynamics, and societal expectations. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about her own worth and the general's beliefs about control and dominance.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions through the intense interactions between the characters and the themes of desire and power.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and reveals the power dynamics between the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense dialogue, power dynamics, and the unpredictable nature of the interactions between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment between the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively building tension and conflict through dialogue and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene opens with a power dynamic that is uncomfortable and potentially triggering, as Horemheb examines Amenia in a degrading and objectifying manner.
  • The dialogue between Horemheb and Amenia is confrontational and lacks subtlety, making the interaction feel forced and unrealistic.
  • The physical confrontation and subsequent intimate moment between Horemheb and Amenia feels abrupt and lacks emotional depth or development.
  • The scene perpetuates harmful stereotypes and tropes about gender roles, sexuality, and power dynamics, which can be damaging and offensive to some audiences.
  • The transition from aggression to intimacy is not well-established or justified, leaving the audience confused about the characters' motivations and feelings.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the opening of the scene to avoid objectifying and degrading Amenia, focusing instead on building a more respectful and nuanced interaction between the characters.
  • Work on developing the dialogue to be more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities and emotions, creating a more authentic and engaging exchange.
  • Add depth and complexity to the relationship between Horemheb and Amenia by exploring their motivations, desires, and vulnerabilities, allowing for a more meaningful and believable connection.
  • Avoid perpetuating harmful stereotypes and cliches by subverting expectations and presenting characters in a more nuanced and multifaceted light.
  • Establish a clearer and more organic progression from conflict to intimacy, ensuring that the characters' actions and emotions are well-developed and justified throughout the scene.



Scene 26 -  The Decline of Horemheb and Amenia, and Akhenaten's Divine Revelation
INT. HOREMHEB AND AMENIA MONTAGE. DAY

Fade into a montage of various stages of their relationship as PENEEB
TOE’S voice is heard.
PENEEB TOE(VO)
“Horemheb and Amenia married one month later.
for the first few months, he was a frequent visitor.
But as time went on, he came to her less and less.
she became nothing more than a common prisoner.

Amenia remained without any children.
He believed the problem was hers alone.
So, he began spending less time with her
making sure she had ample time to bemoan.

As the next few years slipped away,
their marriage was in name only.
She was provided all she needed
to live the life of a general’s wife.

They settled down into obscurity,
and while his displeasure grew,
she became too much of a burden.
He now knew what he had to do.

On the morning of their sixth anniversary,
Horemheb secretly sent two men to his home
with explicit orders to fake a robbery,
and beat her unconscious to quell her snobbery.

He would not abide her disobedience
nor allow her to feel so free.
That was the most logical handling of her
his devious mind could see.”

FADE OUT:
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86
EXT. DESERT. MORNING

Fade in pharaoh AKHENATEN as he rides alone in his chariot through the
desert sands. Suddenly he sees two large sand dunes forming an almost
perfect V. At its center the Sun is nestled, perfectly positioned. He
stops gazing intently into the Sun.

PENEEB TOE(VO)
“Akhenaten enjoyed driving his chariot
many miles from his palace at Thebes.
On this beautiful sun filled morning,
he ventured further, going many leagues.

Suddenly, there it was, making him feel awestruck,
rapture surging through his body, soul and mind.
Here, in this place, he’d found the one true god.
it was the sign he’d prayed for, a glorious find!”


AKHENATEN gets down on his knees, raising his arms toward the sky.
AKHENATEN
(Singing to his God)
“At last, I’ve found you!
Here in this very place,
I feel your glory and magnificence
as it burns into my face.
The one and only A ten,
Sun God, Ra, my god alone!
Here, in this holy place,
I can see your shinning face.
I will build a city devoted to you,
as the only one true god,
I will call it Tell El Amarna,
with your approving nod.”
DISSOLVE to a montage of Amarna being built.
PENEEB TOE(VO)
“It took nine years to build his city,
spread out over six desert miles.
The royal family reluctantly accepted
the new changes with approving smiles.
Temples were built without a roof,
so that the Aten was visible for all to see.
Heralds went out three times daily to preach
pharaoh’s new decree.”
DISSOLVE to a city courtyard at Tell Amarna. Two heralds bellow to the
assembled crowd. The crowds of people are clearly unhappy.
HERALDS
“To all the citizens of Tell El Amarna,
from this day forth, and evermore.
Your past and present gods are
forbidden to be worshiped anymore.
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HERALDS CON’T
Pharaoh Akhenaten has decreed
the Aten as the only one true god.
Your prayers must be directed to pharaoh alone!
Only he can venture into the unknown.
your old gods are now ruled outgrown!

There will be no exceptions!
To disregard this proclamation,
Will cause your death, or worse,
by sending you to the afterlife,
with your heart bearing Aten’s curse!”

PENEEB TOE(VO)
“Over time, the people of Egypt accepted,
their new imposed religious life.
There was unrest throughout the land
and a growing sense of resentful strife.
The old gods were now all illegal,
their temples destroyed by law.
The face of religion had been obliterated,
and changed forevermore.
Small groups gathered secretly to pray,
unable to hide their oppression.
They reluctantly hid their true feelings
accepting the royal suppression.

Akhenaten loved his city, Amarna.
the Nile inundations were the best!
He was feeling undefeatable now.
His one god had beaten all the rest.

Worshiping Ra, the one true god
completed Akhenaten’s lifelong quest.
The populace were forced to pray to him
only his prayers to Ra, were blessed.”

DISSOLVE to AKHENATEN’S bed chamber. He’s asleep with six guards
protecting his royal person. Suddenly, his eyes open wide, panting as
though he’s just run ten miles. As his senses settle down, he looks
around realizing he’s in his own bed, armed guards nearby. Abruptly, a
loud booming voice echoes through the bed chamber.
THE VOICE
“Akhenaten! H earken my words now!
It is I who speaks,
The one and only!
Here to answer the one who seeks!

AKHENATEN’S surprised. He searches to find the voice.

Send your men away from here,
listen closely, is that clear?”
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88
AKHENATEN
(Crying out)
“Leave me guards, go now, begone,
and don’t return until I call.
Hurry up now, and that is all!”

The guards quickly leave. AKHENATEN searches, wondering if he’s mad.
THE VOICE
“Have no fear before me.
it is I who hast chosen you!
You alone are given this mission,
to initiate a new tradition!”

(AKHENATEN’S eyes close.)

AKHENATEN
“Am i losing my mind,
this simply cannot be?
Am I hearing the Aten himself,
or is it only a voice inside me?”

THE VOICE
“I am who I am, nameless!
and at the appointed time,
you will lead the people out of Egypt
into a land sublime.
You are my chosen one.
no harm will befall you.
Wait for my sign, then
you will know, what to do!”
AKHENATEN
“Yes, my lord, I will do as you say!
my life is yours. I will pray.”
FADE OUT:
89


89
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Drama"]

Summary As Horemheb and Amenia's marriage deteriorates, Amenia is subjected to neglect and physical abuse. Meanwhile, Akhenaten experiences a religious revelation in the desert, leading to the establishment of the Aten cult and the founding of Tell El Amarna. The montage highlights the contrasts between personal turmoil and spiritual triumph.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intriguing plot twists
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Dark themes may be unsettling for some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is impactful, emotionally charged, and sets the stage for significant character development and plot progression.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a deteriorating marriage, manipulation, and divine intervention adds depth and complexity to the storyline.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging, with multiple storylines converging and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on ancient Egyptian history, blending historical events with fictionalized elements to create a compelling narrative. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic within the historical context.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed, with clear motivations and internal conflicts driving their actions.

Character Changes: 8

Both Horemheb and Amenia undergo significant changes in their relationship dynamics, leading to a pivotal moment.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to find purpose and meaning in his life, as evidenced by his search for the one true god and his willingness to follow divine guidance.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to establish a new religious order and city devoted to the one true god, Ra, in response to divine guidance.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, driving the tension and drama forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing internal doubts and external challenges in fulfilling his divine mission.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high, with characters facing personal, emotional, and potentially divine consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new conflicts, resolutions, and character developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in its introduction of divine intervention and the protagonist's unexpected mission, adding intrigue and suspense to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the imposition of a new religious belief system on the people of Egypt, challenging their existing beliefs and traditions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly around themes of betrayal and manipulation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful, revealing character dynamics and emotions effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of historical drama, divine intervention, and character development, keeping the audience invested in the protagonist's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic revelation and the protagonist's acceptance of his mission.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected formatting for its genre, utilizing visual cues and transitions effectively to enhance the storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format, transitioning smoothly between different settings and character perspectives to advance the narrative.


Critique
  • The montage of Horemheb and Amenia's deteriorating relationship lacks emotional depth and development. The progression from frequent visits to neglect and abuse feels rushed and lacks nuance.
  • The dialogue in the scene, particularly the voiceover by Peneeb Toe, comes across as overly explanatory and lacks subtlety. It would be more effective to show the audience the dynamics of the relationship through actions and interactions rather than telling them explicitly.
  • The transition from the intimate conversation between Nefertiti and Horemheb to the montage of Horemheb and Amenia's relationship feels abrupt and disjointed. There needs to be a smoother segue between these two distinct storylines.
  • The scene lacks a clear focus or central conflict, making it challenging for the audience to engage with the characters and their journey. It would benefit from a more defined narrative arc and emotional throughline.
  • The visual elements in the scene, such as the depiction of Amenia being beaten unconscious, may come across as gratuitous and sensationalized. It's important to handle sensitive and violent themes with care and consideration for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to provide a more gradual and nuanced portrayal of Horemheb and Amenia's relationship. Show the progression of their dynamics through subtle interactions and character development.
  • Focus on creating more organic and authentic dialogue that reveals the characters' emotions and motivations without relying on explicit narration. Let the audience infer the complexities of the relationship through subtext and actions.
  • Work on creating a smoother transition between the different storylines to maintain coherence and flow in the narrative. Ensure that each scene connects logically and emotionally to the next to keep the audience engaged.
  • Clarify the central conflict and emotional stakes in the scene to give the audience a clear reason to invest in the characters and their journey. Develop a compelling narrative arc that drives the story forward and keeps the audience hooked.
  • Handle sensitive themes and violent scenes with sensitivity and restraint. Focus on the emotional impact of the events rather than sensationalizing them for shock value. Consider the implications of depicting such intense moments on the audience.



Scene 27 -  Secrets and Schemes
INT. NEFERTITI’S BED CHAMBER. NIGHT

Fade in as NEFERTITI and HOREMHEB are playfully pillow taking.

NEFERTITI
“As one of pharaoh’s chief enforcers,
destroying temples throughout the land.
Don’t you have any recriminations,
for relinquishing all the gods he banned?”

HOREMHEB
(Showing her the talisman.)
“I still pray to the old gods, never did I stop.
Is this not a wondrous piece of art work,
with Amun Re sitting upon its top?”
(She takes it from his hand and studies it.)

NEFERTITI
“Your Amun Re is quite beautiful, I agree alright,
but how do you keep this talisman out of sight?”
HOREMHEB
“I keep it hidden on my person,
and use it only when time permits.
I don’t know where or when I got it,
but I know I’d feel lost without it.”

NEFERTITI
“I understand. I too only pray in secret,
always hidden from my pharaoh’s eyes.
I feel so sad for the people masses,
when I hear their angry cries.”
HOREMHEB
“I see that too, everywhere I go,
we can thank your glorious king!
If he were to be found dead,
Tutankhaten would have pharaoh’s ring.
Then we’d marry and become Tut’s regents.
actually, then, we both could rule!
It would be easy to kill your husband,
I’m tired of simply playing the fool.”

NEFERTITI
“Oh no, sweet Horemheb,
Akhenaten’s loved too well.
If he is killed, the rioting would increase,
and more of the masses might rebel.
Why can’t we simply banish him
to a far-away place like Goshen?
That’s better than poisoning him
with a painful and deadly potion.”
90


90
HOREMHEB
“Because killing him outright
solves all of our problems now!
He’d never accept banishment
and I know exactly how…”

NEFERTITI
“…if you threaten his children,
I know he will agree,
then you have control of his armies,
he’d have no choice, but to flee!”
HOREMHEB
“Hahahah, we deserve each other,
you’re just as bad as I.
What about T ut, A y, and A menia
the others upon who we both rely?”
NEFERTITI
“Tutankhamen’s death puts Ay
first in line to the throne,
he’ll go along with a bribe of gold,
he’s no concern, he’s much too old!
As for Amenia, yes, she’s a problem,
she always has too much to say.
We have no choice but to deal with her
and put her completely out of our way!”

HOREMHEB
“Move closer to me my sweet,
make me feel whole and complete.
Let us know the bliss
of those who love to kiss!”

NEFERTITI
“You came to me, and I couldn’t see
what was there, in front of me?
A life full of all those things
that love and power often brings.

I had no choice but to adore you!
I could feel that you loved me.
You changed my very world
the moment that I saw you,
my passion was unfurled.

Then something happened to my life
all I want, is to become your wife!
But then where would I be,
if I knew you didn't love me?

My life with Akhenaten is my destiny.
I settled for an unfulfilled life,
until the very end of eternity.
I want to be your only wife!
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91
NEFERTITI CON’T
You may be the evil, that I know
yet the love you give me,
says that it isn't so.

I’m complete with you
by my side.
We’ll rule together,
with love alive,
deep inside.

Where would I be?
my life with Akhenaten
has been my destiny.
Where would i be if
you didn't love me?”
FADE OUT:
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92
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Romance","Drama"]

Summary In Nefertiti's bed chamber at night, Nefertiti and Horemheb discuss their hidden beliefs, plot to overthrow Akhenaten, and express their love for each other. The tense and conspiratorial tone is filled with elements of passion and betrayal as they contemplate the moral dilemma of killing Akhenaten to gain power. The scene ends with Nefertiti expressing her desire to be Horemheb's wife and questioning where she would be without his love.
Strengths
  • Rich dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Complex character dynamics
  • High stakes
  • Engaging plot development
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity in character motivations
  • Complexity of political intrigue may be overwhelming for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, blending romance, political intrigue, and emotional depth effectively. The dialogue is compelling, and the stakes are high, making it a pivotal moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of forbidden love and political power struggles is well-executed, adding depth and complexity to the characters and the overall plot.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as Nefertiti and Horemheb discuss their plans to overthrow Akhenaten and the potential consequences of their actions. The scene sets up important conflicts and developments for future events.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh perspective on historical figures, blending fact with fiction to create a compelling narrative. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding a sense of originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Nefertiti and Horemheb are portrayed with depth and nuance, showcasing their conflicting emotions, desires, and ambitions. Their chemistry and complex relationship drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 8

Both Nefertiti and Horemheb undergo significant emotional changes in the scene, revealing their vulnerabilities, desires, and conflicting loyalties. Their relationship evolves, setting the stage for future developments.

Internal Goal: 9

Nefertiti's internal goal is to navigate her feelings for Horemheb while grappling with her loyalty to her husband, Akhenaten. This reflects her desire for love, power, and fulfillment.

External Goal: 8

Nefertiti's external goal is to discuss potential plans with Horemheb regarding the fate of Akhenaten and their own rise to power. This reflects the immediate circumstances of political instability and personal ambition.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between love and ambition, loyalty and betrayal, is palpable in the scene, creating tension and suspense as the characters navigate their complicated emotions and decisions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals, hidden agendas, and moral dilemmas creating obstacles for the characters. The audience is left uncertain of the outcome, adding to the tension.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Nefertiti and Horemheb discuss overthrowing Akhenaten, navigating their forbidden love, and facing the consequences of their actions. The scene sets the stage for dramatic and impactful events.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing key conflicts, advancing character relationships, and setting up future plot developments. It establishes important dynamics and tensions that will shape the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' shifting allegiances, unexpected revelations, and moral ambiguity. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the characters' true intentions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the morality of power, loyalty, and manipulation. Nefertiti and Horemheb debate the consequences of their actions and the ethical implications of their choices.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' passionate dialogue, inner conflicts, and high stakes. The forbidden romance and political intrigue add depth and intensity to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is rich, emotional, and filled with subtext, revealing the characters' inner thoughts and motivations. It effectively conveys the tension and complexity of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, moral dilemmas, and strategic plotting. The characters' conflicting desires and hidden agendas keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and reflection. The rhythm builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged from start to finish.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene adheres to the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and characters.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured format that builds tension, reveals character motivations, and advances the plot effectively. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's overall impact.


Critique
  • The scene lacks subtlety in portraying the characters' intentions and emotions, relying heavily on direct dialogue to convey complex feelings and motivations.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, with characters explicitly stating their plans and emotions rather than allowing them to be revealed through actions and subtext.
  • The scene jumps abruptly from playful pillow talk to discussions of murder and power dynamics, making the transition feel disjointed and jarring.
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven, with rapid shifts in tone and subject matter that can be disorienting for the audience.
  • The scene lacks nuance in portraying the complexities of the characters' relationships and motivations, reducing them to simplistic archetypes of power-hungry conspirators.
Suggestions
  • Consider incorporating more subtle and nuanced ways to convey the characters' intentions and emotions, such as through actions, gestures, and subtext.
  • Focus on developing a more gradual and cohesive progression of the scene, allowing the conversations and revelations to unfold more organically.
  • Work on refining the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of how people would actually speak in such high-stakes situations.
  • Explore deeper into the characters' internal conflicts and moral dilemmas, adding layers to their motivations and decisions.
  • Consider adding moments of tension and suspense to build anticipation and engage the audience in the characters' struggles and choices.



Scene 28 -  Gifts from the Stars
INT. TUTANKHAMEN’S CHAMBERS. DAY

Fade in to TUTANKHAMEN and ANKHESENAMUN playing the board game Senet.
PENEEB TOE(VO)
“TUTANKHAMEN’S reached the tender age of eight.
Having been born with a left club foot,
he needs two canes to support his weight.
He’s happily resigned to his fate.

ANKHESENAMUN, TUT’S Half-sister, is six,
and impervious to Tut’s deformity.
They’re betrothed for three years now,
and relish each other’s company anyhow.

ANK giggles as TUT’S just lost again,
he’s throwing his canes in the air.
At that moment, HOREMHEB peeks in
finding them pleasantly unaware.
HOREMHEB
“Well, well, my favorite prince and princess
in the same place, and at the same time!
May I enter, and not lose face?
please allow me in, and give me a sign?”

TUT
(Playfully)
“How dare you interrupt us,
I was losing for the 3rd time today?
And why do you bother us, general?
when it’s become my turn to play?”

ANKHESENAMUN
“Own up my prince, you just lost again,
for the fifth time in the past two days!
I think that for an educated eight year old
you certainly have ill mannered ways!”
HOREMHEB
(To Tut)
“Are you always this cruel
to those bearing a gift?
Perhaps I should leave now
before I start another rift?”

TUT smiles, reaching for his canes. ANK helps him as he limps to
greet HOREMHEB, TUT hugs him.
TUT
(Excited)
“Give me my gift, quickly Horemheb!
You are forever a man indebted.
bring it to me, now, at once
or I will see you soon beheaded.”
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HOREMHEB throws his arms up, mocking TUT.

HOREMHEB
“Maybe so, my all-knowing prince,
but the gods tell me you already know,
that the gifts for you and Ankhesenamun,
are insufficient, but not at all apropos.”
TUT
“Who told you such a falsehood?
Because I truly do not know?
What you might have brought us?
And I command you now, to show!”

HOREMHEB gathers them in a circle, sitting and listening with
anticipation. HOREMHEB deepens his voice to a mysterious tone.

HOREMHEB
“First, I must tell you a story
not about me or anything gory.
You must listen to me closely,
this is for your sake, mostly!

(The children nod approvingly.)

Last year, while I was on patrol
enjoying the cool desert night.
when I looked up into the starry sky,
and saw something glowing white.
It was a comet shooting across the sky.
I’d never seen anything like it before.
It touched my heart and made me cry.
It was not from here, that’s for sure.”

ANKHESENAMUN
“What happened then,
did it come back again?”
HOREMHEB
“It crashed! I heard the booming sound.
I knew it was not too far away,
I was hoping it could be found
and we searched until, the light of day.
Early, the very next morning
I found it, smoldering and red hot.
Instantly, I knew it was an omen
sent to us, or perhaps a Hittite plot?”
TUT
(Curious and impatient)
“I insist you explain it now
what did you finally decide?
What you would do with it,
did you run or did you hide?”
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94
HOREMHEB
“I carried it here to Amarna’s blacksmith,
who fashioned it into a beautiful dagger.
I had him cover it with gold and jewels,
befitting a young prince with swagger!”

HOREMHEB hands the dagger to TUT, who’s completely enthralled; he
begins making thrusting and parrying motions.

TUT
“Horemheb, I am well pleased.
this dagger is now my favorite,
and from this day forth
I will forever savor it!”

HOREMHEB bows and turns to ANKHESENAMUN, holding a Sun God Ra
breastplate.
HOREMHEB
“And for you, my dear princess,
to honor your sixth birthday.
Something made from that same comet,
for you to treasure, every day.

A small token from your devoted general,
to add to your magnificent beauty.
I pledge my life to you and yours,
with pleasure beyond any duty.”

ANKHESENAMUN
Thank you my dear general
I accept with happy eyes.
Your gift shall be treasured,
as an unforgettable surprise!”

TUT
“Your gift also touches my heart.
I may grant you a small favor
in the not too distant future,
if you promise not to waver?”
HOREMHEB bows deeply. He rises with an evil glint in his eyes.
FADE OUT:
95


95
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Tutankhamun and Ankhesenamun receive celestial gifts from Horemheb, a loyal general. Horemheb's tale of how the gifts originated from a comet delights the young prince.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing concept
  • Well-developed characters
Weaknesses
  • Lack of overt conflict
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines elements of playfulness, mystery, and potential conflict, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using a comet to create special gifts for Tutankhamen and Ankhesenamun adds a unique and intriguing element to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the presentation of gifts made from a comet by Horemheb, setting the stage for potential future conflicts or betrayals.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its unique setting, character interactions, and thematic depth. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the freshness of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Tutankhamen, Ankhesenamun, and Horemheb are well-developed and their interactions add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 5

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the potential for character development is hinted at through Horemheb's mysterious demeanor.

Internal Goal: 8

Tutankhamen's internal goal is to assert his authority and independence despite his physical deformity. This reflects his desire to be seen as a capable and respected leader despite his challenges.

External Goal: 7

Tutankhamen's external goal is to receive and appreciate the gifts presented to him and Ankhesenamun by Horemheb. This reflects the immediate circumstances of the scene and the social expectations of royalty.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is no overt conflict in this scene, the hint of an evil glint in Horemheb's eyes foreshadows potential conflicts to come.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and motivations between the characters, creating tension and uncertainty in the outcome.

High Stakes: 6

The high stakes are subtly hinted at through Horemheb's mysterious and potentially deceitful actions.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the comet gifts and hinting at future conflicts or betrayals.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions and the revelation of the gifts from Horemheb.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of fate, loyalty, and power. Tutankhamen's acceptance of his fate contrasts with Horemheb's ambition and loyalty to the royal family, challenging the characters' beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes feelings of curiosity, anticipation, and happiness, setting the stage for future emotional developments.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and helps to establish the relationships between the characters, as well as hint at future developments.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, drama, and historical detail, which keeps the audience invested in the characters and their interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue, action, and exposition, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a playful and light-hearted interaction between Tutankhamen, Ankhesenamun, and Horemheb, which sets a positive tone.
  • The dialogue is engaging and helps to establish the relationships between the characters, especially the dynamic between Tutankhamen and Horemheb.
  • Horemheb's storytelling about the comet and the gifts is intriguing and adds depth to his character.
  • The scene effectively builds anticipation and curiosity through Horemheb's mysterious tone and the children's eager reactions.
  • The use of props like the dagger and breastplate adds visual interest and enhances the storytelling.
  • The scene ends with a hint of foreshadowing and tension, leaving the audience wanting to know more.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more physical actions or movements to enhance the visual aspect of the scene.
  • Explore deeper into the characters' emotions and motivations, especially Horemheb's underlying intentions and the children's reactions.
  • Ensure a smooth transition between the playful interaction and the more serious tone towards the end of the scene.
  • Consider incorporating more sensory details to immerse the audience in the setting and atmosphere of Tutankhamen's chambers.
  • Continue to build on the foreshadowing and tension introduced at the end of the scene to keep the audience engaged.



Scene 29 -  The Fate of Akhenaten
INT. NEFERTITI’S QUARTERS. DAY

Fade in to NEFERTITI’S quarters. NEFERTITI, HOREMHEB, and AY are
engrossed in conversation.

NEFERTITI
“True, it falls to us three, alone,
to right the wrong he’s done.
But i fear too harsh a punishment
would be as bad as doing none.”

AY
(Emphatically)
“I say he must die!
Why should we perpetuate the lie?”
HOREMHEB
“I agree with you, he must surely die,
and I know it must be very soon.
The people have suffered for too long!
They’ve become indifferent and immune.”
NEFERTITI
“I too am weary of praying to his Aten.
But death is beneath such a man.
I have loved him for so long
I insist we make a gentler plan.”
HOREMHEB
(Laughing at her)
“You’ve been cooped up too long, my beauty.
The people miss their old gods,
now it’s our choice, no, our duty,
to tear down all of his facades.
I see no other way to resolve this,
and besides, your father agrees!
There’s no other way to do this,
but to bring him to his knees.”

AY
“Yes, my Nefertiti, I do agree.
he’s become a heretic, don’t you see?
I’ve earned the right to be pharaoh,
as the gods did surely ordain.”

NEFERTITI
“No, not yet, my dear father.
He’s worshiped without strife
the people have loved us together,
since he made me his royal wife.
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96
NEFERTITI CON’T
He’s the father of my six daughters,
I will not see him killed!
There’s another and simpler way
without his blood being spilled.
I will change my name to Smenkhare,
celebrating my masculine side.
I’ll rule as pharaoh with that name,
and tell the people pharaoh’s died.
The people will know it is I,
their beloved, Nefertiti!
They’ll find comfort in my kingship,
and unconditionally they will greet me.
No, we must not kill him.
He’s to be banished instead!
The people will certainly miss him,
thinking he must be dead.

HOREMHEB moves to reply. She stops him with her hand, continuing.

When he’s gone, the people will believe
he went to be with the Sun God Ra,
to stand forever at the Aten’s side.
It’s fool proof and cannot be denied.”
AY
(Stands up, visibly upset.)
“It is written law that Tutankhamen,
must succeed his father’s throne.
The people know and expect it!
We’d be regents til Tut’s fully grown.”

HOREMHEB
“That’s right Ay, you and Nefertiti
would appease the people very well!
They’re lost without their old gods,
but they’re too afraid to rebel.”
NEFERTITI
“Thank you Horemheb, yes, you’re right
my idea’s the more logical plan.
If I succeed Akhenaten, become pharaoh
then I’ll rule as both woman and man.”

AY
(Reluctantly accedes)
“Where would we banish him to?
He’s so well known everywhere.
If he’d were to reappear later,
it would end the whole affair.”
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97
NEFERTITI
“I’ve taken great pains
and considered all the possibilities.
There’s an area called Goshen,
where they’d value his abilities.
It’s three hundred fifty miles from here,
a tribe of Israelites live right there.”

HOREMHEB
“I could be happy with that!
Our problem would then be solved.
I don’t think he’d ever be missed
and no one would know we’re involved

AY shakes his head in silent and reluctant agreement.
AY
(Turning to Nefertiti)
“Anyone other than you,
my darling daughter,
I would’ve had you
drawn and slaughtered!”
NEFERTITI
“Anyone other than you, my father,
would have already been dead!
I alone will rule the land of Egypt,
while you grandfather Tut instead.”
FADE OUT:
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98
Fade into bubbling, bulbous clouds, PENEEB TOE speaks.
PENEEB TOE
“Peneeb Toe here, at your service,
to bring you up to date,
and to explain in vivid detail,
Akhenaten’s fate.

Over the next two months
the conspirators finalized their plan.
An extract from the mandrake fruit
was administered by Nefertiti’s hand.
Pharaoh Akhenaten was drugged
and as soon as he closed his eyes,
he was carried off by six guards;
all were Horemheb’s devoted spies.

Hours later, Akhenaten awakened dazed,
but smart enough to know,
he was in one of his military ships
accepting god’s will as status quo.”

Fade into the cabin of an Egyptian ship. HOREMHEB stands near
AKHENATEN, rubbing his bruised wrists, staring into HOREMHEB’S face.
HOREMHEB
“I trust that now you’re comfortable
and understand what’s happening here.
You’re being banished from Egypt
the populace wants you, to disappear.”
AKHENATEN
(Complacently)
“I have been more comfortable
at other times, in other places.
Where are you taking me?
Who else hides behind masked faces?”

HOREMHEB
“You will learn where in a few days.
Meanwhile your comfort’s guaranteed,
by the courtesy of your loving wife,
who refused to see you bleed.
She now calls herself Smenkhare
regent to your son, Tutankhaten.
She intends becoming pharaoh,
as soon as Tut is forgotten.
She bids you a safe journey and good future tiding.
You are never to return. your banishment is abiding.”
AKHENATEN
“I bear no grudge to Nefertiti,
or whatever’s her new name,
nor do I have animosity toward you,
vizier Ay, or from those I won acclaim.”
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99
HOREMHEB
“The people hated losing their old gods,
you forced them to pray only to you,
I for one think that’s quite magnanimous, too!

AKHENATEN
“There’s no need to be demeaning general!”

HOREMHEB
“If it were up to me, you’d already be dead…
AKHENATEN
“Do you really believe you could kill me?
Do you think you have influence
over my life or my death?
Don’t you realize I am one with the Aten,
I’ve extolled it with my every breath!”

HOREMHEB
“Akhenaten, you are not a deity!
You denied Egypt all their gods,
yet you persist in your benevolence
and you hide behind facades.”

AKHENATEN
“Now, hear me Horemheb,
I tell you, God speaks only to me!
I rule by divine providence.
only god decides what my fate will be!”
FADE OUT:
100


100
Fade into PENEEB TOE standing among the bubbling bulbous clouds.
PENEEB TOE
“Over the next three years,
life in Egypt changed.
People were dying of illnesses,
feeling lost and more estranged.

Victims complained of swollen
lymph glands, tender to the touch.
High fever, headache, chills,
nothing’s ever hurt so much.
Those poor souls that were infected
had boils in the groin, armpits, and neck.
Wherever the initial bite occurred,
it left the small dark speck.

There was no name for the malady,
but the black plague had arrived.
So many people were suffering,
and of those, very few survived.

Three of Nefertiti’s daughters had already died,
and the air smelled of rancid decay.
One of the nobles infected was Nefertiti,
now known as pharaoh Smenkhare.”
FADE OUT:

Fade into pharaoh’s SMENKHARE’S bed chamber. Four slaves Attend
her as she lies on a bed writhing in pain, intermittently vomiting.

SMENKHARE
(Whispering)

“Go quickly, get Horemheb at once!

Two slaves run off. A moment later the doors to SMENKHARE’S bed chamber
burst open as HOREMHEB enters. He orders the slaves to leave and kneels
at her side, holding her head in his hands. Her stench nauseates him,
ignoring it he kisses her cheek, SMENKHARE weeps in dire pain.

SMENKHARE CON’T
(Murmuring)
“Oh Horemheb, am I dying?”

HOREMHEB
“Yes, my darling, I’m afraid it is so.
But I am not ready to let you go!
Take a slow and deeper breath,
it will help the pain, and ease your death.”

Adjusting her head cushions, he finds a large boil on her neck oozing
blood and pus.
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101
SMENKHARE
(Trying to sit up)
“The pain is unbearable in my groin,
and my neck’s killing me too!
Horemheb, please do something, help me,
try to make this pain subdue.”

She faints, falling back to the cushions. HOREMHEB searches her face,
and feels her neck for a pulse. He finds it, she’s alive. A moment
later, she revives, by the sheer force of her will.
SMENKHARE
(Whispering)
“Horemheb, my darling general
will we meet again in the afterlife?
Come closer, and hold me tighter,
more than being pharaoh, will I be your wife.”
HOREMHEB cradles her head, wiping her perspiration.

HOREMHEB
“Yes, my love, we will meet again.
a love like ours will never end!
Not even by inevitable death,
or our last dying breath.”
(She nods, forcing a smile)

“I have loved you with all my being
from the very first instant I saw you.
There in the palace hall at Thebes
my life changed, you felt it too.

You were the most beautiful woman
my eyes have ever seen, to this very day.
Your grace and intelligence are matched
by your diplomatic and most cunning way.

There’s no woman in all of Egypt,
to match you, not even close.
My love for you grows,
as surely as the sun rises, I love you the most!…”

SMENKHARE
”…yes, my unbeatable general,
you are the one true love of my life.
Come my darling, hold me, kiss me,
hide me from this terrible strife!”

They kiss deeply. HOREMHEB pulls back, studying her closed eyes. He
kisses her again as she moans softly. Moving to an upright position, he
kisses her again, but now spreads his lips to cover her mouth. He
grasps her nostrils squeezing them closed. SMENKHARE writhes. Her legs
jerk frantically, as she slowly settles into death.
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102
HOREMHEB
“Where would I be, if you hadn't loved me?
My life with Armenia was not my destiny.
I settled for an unfulfilled life
until the very end of eternity.

You came to me, and I couldn’t see
what was there, in front of me?
A life full of all those things
that love and power often brings.

I had no choice but to adore you!
I could feel how you loved me.
You’ve changed my very world
from the first moment, I saw you,
my passion was then unfurled.
Where would I be,
if you didn't love me?
My life with Armenia was
not my destiny.
I settled for an unfulfilled life
until the end of eternity.

FADE OUT:
103


103
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Drama","Romance"]

Summary Nefertiti, Horemheb, and Ay plot to remove Akhenaten from power. Nefertiti suggests banishing him to Goshen, and Horemheb agrees. Ay reluctantly goes along with the plan. Nefertiti will assume the role of pharaoh as Smenkhare, while Tutankhamen will be the figurehead ruler. Akhenaten is drugged and taken away by Horemheb's guards.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Complex character relationships
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Potential for melodrama
  • Complex political dynamics may be confusing for some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally charged, with high stakes and significant character development. The dialogue is impactful, and the plot moves forward dramatically.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of banishing a pharaoh and the intricate political maneuvering involved is compelling. The scene effectively conveys the power struggles and personal relationships at play.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging and full of tension, with the decision to banish Akhenaten driving the narrative forward. The scene sets up significant consequences for the characters and the story.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on historical events and characters, blending fact with fiction to create a compelling narrative. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Nefertiti, Horemheb, and Akhenaten are well-developed and their motivations are clear. The scene showcases their complex emotions and relationships.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant changes in their relationships and power dynamics, particularly Nefertiti and Horemheb.

Internal Goal: 9

Nefertiti's internal goal is to find a peaceful solution to the problem of Akhenaten's rule without resorting to violence. She wants to maintain her love for him while also ensuring the stability of the kingdom.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to come up with a plan to remove Akhenaten from power and maintain control over the kingdom without causing unrest among the people.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both internal and external, as the characters grapple with difficult decisions and power struggles.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints, moral dilemmas, and power struggles driving the conflict. The audience is kept engaged by the characters' competing goals and motivations.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters make decisions that will impact the future of Egypt and their own lives. The consequences of their actions are significant.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major plot development - the banishment of Akhenaten. It sets the stage for future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' shifting allegiances, unexpected plot twists, and moral dilemmas. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will resolve.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of power, loyalty, and sacrifice. Nefertiti must balance her personal feelings for Akhenaten with her duty to the kingdom and the people.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly around themes of love, betrayal, and loss. The characters' struggles are deeply felt by the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the characters' inner thoughts and conflicts. It drives the emotional intensity of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high emotional stakes, complex character dynamics, and dramatic tension. The audience is drawn into the conflict and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and emotional beats. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to standard screenplay conventions, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional dramatic structure, with clear character motivations, rising tension, and a resolution that sets up future conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene is filled with complex political intrigue and emotional dynamics, which can be overwhelming for the audience to follow.
  • The dialogue is quite lengthy and at times feels forced, lacking a natural flow in conversation.
  • The transition between different characters speaking could be smoother to avoid confusion.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and actions, making it feel more like a script than a visual storytelling piece.
  • The emotional depth of the characters could be further explored to create a more engaging and relatable narrative.
Suggestions
  • Consider breaking up the dialogue into smaller, more digestible chunks to improve readability and flow.
  • Introduce more visual elements and actions to enhance the scene and create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Focus on developing the emotional arcs of the characters to make their motivations and decisions more impactful and relatable.
  • Simplify the political intrigue to make it more accessible to the audience without losing its depth.
  • Work on creating a more cohesive and engaging narrative structure to keep the audience invested in the story.



Scene 30 -  Royal Rift and Conspiracies
INT. PALACE AT THEBES. DAY
Fade into the palace’s audience hall. Pharaoh TUTANKHAMUN, and his
half-sister/wife, ANKHESENAMUN, sit on their respective thrones.
ANK
“We’ve had ten years of ruling Egypt!
You’re the one in full control now!
Remove Ay and Horemheb from their regency,
and rule alone, you now do know how!
I’m happy you’ve become more assertive
in your dealings with them both.
They’ve controlled you long enough
it’s time for you to live your oath.”

TUT
“You’re right, and I fully agree
they both take full advantage of me.
I also believe they’ve grown rich
one or the other, I don’t know which.

Together, you and I can rule alone
growing a family we won’t postpone.
From now on, I alone will decide
without regret, and newfound pride.”
ANK
“It’s also time for us to try again
to have a royal son for your heir.
We’ve had two still born fetuses yet,
there’s still time for us to share!”

The doors of the throne room open. Six heralds enter, trumpeting the
arrival of HAREZENAR; king of Kush, with his entourage of beautiful
women, and tall, well-muscled men. The procession includes two black
panthers, two cheetahs, and two lions, each twosome a male and female.
Following close behind five dancing musicians play drums, flutes, and
cymbals, wearing brightly colored garments with jeweled breast plates.
HAREZENAR leads the procession with two women flanking him. He’s tall
and muscular, his loin cloth, headdress, body bracelets, and sandals
are made of pure gold as they shimmer in the light. TUT and
ANKHESENAMUN sit comfortably on their thrones as the heralds put down
their horns and call out.
HERALDS
“Harezenar, great royal king of the land of Kush,
humbly offers these meager gifts for your pleasure.
His undying love and devotion grow without measure.”

TUT and ANKHESENAMUN clap hands as the dancing stops.
HAREZENAR bows approaching the throne.
HAREZENAR

“Oh, good and kindly kings,
gods of the two lands of Egypt,
We, your humble servants from Kush,
bring simple offerings, numerous and lush”
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104
TUT
“Excellent! I am well pleased
with your entrance, and your dancing.
We are happy to oblige you,
and your entourage is entrancing.”
HAREZENAR
“Besides what you see here,
we have a special gift for you.
But first we ask a small favor
for your indulgence and review.”
TUT
(Nodding his head in agreement.)
“Alright, Harezenar, what do you ask
in exchange for this special gift?
I can’t imagine what you’d desire
you already shine like golden fire.”

Six male Kushites bring heavy wooden crates within two feet of the
throne. HAREZENAR opens each crate, revealing bars of solid gold.

HAREZENAR
“Each crate has fifty pounds of gold,
for a total of three hundred pounds.
We present it for your royal pleasure
to assure that common peace abounds!”

TUT
(Making an interested gesture.)
“Excellent, but, in return for what?
What favor do you ask of me?
You’ve piqued my interest and my curiosity?”
HAREZENAR
“My lords, in the country of Kush,
northeast of our eastern border,
there’s a track of land leading
to the 4th cataract, and its vital water.
We call it Sagubba, it’s ninety-five
miles long and fifteen miles wide.
It would give our people better access
to the Nile inundations, without downside...”
TUT
(Angrily interrupts!)
“...all of this Egypt has been sacred,
since the beginning of recorded time.
No part of Egypt has ever been sold!
In fact, you’re offer’s out of line!

How dare you be so bold?
I reject your offer outright!
Go before I’ve fully digested
such thoughtless effrontery,
and have you all summarily arrested!”
105


105
TUT grabs ANKHESENAMUN’S hand, gruffly leading her to the rear
entrance. HAREZENAR stands shocked.

DISSOLVE
106


106
It’s one hour later, Vizier AY’S banging the table inside his palace
quarters, HOREMHEB’S also present.
AY
(Yelling)
“He must die!
I don’t care if he is my grandson,
he’s not worth a decent ransom.
He must be mad to reject such a grandiose offer.
There’s enough gold there,
to fill any coffer.

Three hundred pounds of gold!
He’s too stupid, and I fear!
Tut’s outlived his usefulness to us!
It’s much too much for me to bear!”
HOREMHEB
“Calm down Ay, I will think on this.
You’re too upset to think clearly.
Rest assured, I’ll resolve it in our favor,
and I’ll deal with him most severely!

Go now, and ask the Kushites to wait
just a few more days.
Say pharaoh needs a little time
to reconsider and rephrase.

Make them comfortable,
and feed them very well!
Go now, quickly,
don’t let them say farewell!”
(AY leaves)
FADE OUT:
107


107
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Drama"]

Summary Tutankhamun and Ankhesenamun assert their authority, rejecting the regency of Ay and Horemheb. Harezenar proposes a land exchange, but Tutankhamun's refusal enrages him. Ay and Horemheb seize on this conflict to conspire against Tutankhamun's life.
Strengths
  • Strong dialogue
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Complex character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written, engaging, and pivotal in advancing the plot. It effectively conveys the tension and power struggles between the characters, keeping the audience captivated.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of diplomatic negotiations, power dynamics, and loyalty in ancient Egypt is effectively portrayed. The clash of cultures and values adds depth to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced significantly through the diplomatic exchange and the subsequent reactions of the characters. It sets the stage for future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to historical drama, blending personal relationships, political intrigue, and cultural values in ancient Egypt. The authenticity of characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their motivations are clear. The scene showcases their strengths, weaknesses, and the complexities of their relationships.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, it sets the stage for potential transformations and reveals the characters' evolving dynamics.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to assert his independence and authority as a ruler, breaking free from the control of his regents and making decisions for himself. This reflects his desire for autonomy, respect, and the ability to shape his own destiny.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to maintain the sacredness and integrity of Egypt's land and traditions, rejecting the offer of selling a part of Egypt to the Kushites. This reflects his duty to protect his kingdom and uphold its sacred status.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both external (diplomatic tensions) and internal (emotional struggles and power dynamics). The clash of interests creates a compelling narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values, power dynamics, and high stakes at play. The audience is left uncertain of how the conflict will be resolved, adding to the tension.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, as diplomatic relations, power dynamics, and personal loyalties are at play. The decisions made by the characters have far-reaching consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, alliances, and power shifts. It sets the tone for future developments and builds anticipation.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected rejection of Harezenar's offer and the escalating conflict between characters. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will be resolved.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between personal gain and national pride. Harezenar offers gold in exchange for land, highlighting the tension between individual wealth and the sanctity of Egypt's territory.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, particularly through the tense exchanges and power plays. The stakes are high, adding to the emotional intensity.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and reveals the characters' personalities and intentions effectively. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the tension.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dramatic tension, political intrigue, and emotional stakes involved. The conflict between characters and the high stakes keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually, escalating the conflict, and maintaining the audience's interest throughout. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for historical drama, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the setting and atmosphere.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for historical drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene introduces a significant political conflict between Tutankhamun, Ankhesenamun, Harezenar, Ay, and Horemheb, but the resolution feels rushed and lacks depth.
  • The dialogue between the characters, especially Tutankhamun and Harezenar, could be more nuanced and reflective of the power dynamics at play.
  • The transition from the lavish gift presentation to Tutankhamun's angry rejection feels abrupt and could benefit from more build-up and tension.
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and fails to fully explore the implications of rejecting Harezenar's offer, especially in terms of political consequences and potential repercussions.
  • The character motivations, particularly Ay's strong desire for Tutankhamun's death, could be further developed to provide a more compelling and believable conflict.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more context and backstory to the political tensions between the characters to enhance the audience's understanding of the stakes involved.
  • Work on refining the dialogue to better convey the power dynamics and conflicting interests of the characters in a more subtle and nuanced manner.
  • Build up the confrontation between Tutankhamun and Harezenar to create a more impactful and suspenseful moment of rejection.
  • Explore the emotional impact of Tutankhamun's decision to reject Harezenar's offer and delve deeper into the consequences of this action on the characters and the plot.
  • Further develop the character motivations and internal conflicts to add complexity and depth to the political intrigue unfolding in the scene.



Scene 31 -  The Assassination of Tutankhamun
EXT. DESERT SANDS. DAY

Fade into a sequence of HOREMHEB talking with AMAZ, as a chariot is
prepared. TUTANKHAMUN mounts his chariot using his canes while AMAZ
takes off. Horemheb follows in his chariot.

PENEEB TOE (VO)
“Following his father’s morning ritual,
Tutankhamun, who’s changed his name
from Tutankhaten to Tutankhamun
to honor the Amun’s return to fame.
He rides his chariot in the desert sands,
holding on with both his hands.

Usually, Tut rode with Arempah,
the very best of his charioteers.
But, today Amaz has replaced him,
Horemheb prepared to allay his fears.

Tut was told Arempah had taken ill
and just couldn’t drive today.
Horemheb would follow close behind to
protect king Tut, in every way.

AMAZ furtively watched TUT’S every move
then TUT lifts his hand to cover a cough,
as AMAZ pulls his chariot to the left
bumping TUT out of his chariot high aloft.
TUT landed on his back, momentarily dazed.
Struggling to rise up from the ground.
HOREMHEB’S wheels run across TUT’S chest.
TUT falls back, motionless without a sound.

AMAZ reins the chariot around,
returning to run him over as well.
HOREMHEB runs TUT over again and again,
crushing his chest as anyone could tell.”

DISSOLVE to HOREMHEB stooping his chariot, he dismounts and stands
looking down at the dead TUTANKHAMUN. AMAZ pulls up alongside him.
AMAZ
“General, your planning was perfect!
I am honored to be of help to you.
Am I now a part of an insurrection?
My life is yours whatever you do!”

HOREMHEB signals for the driver to come closer.
HOREMHEB
“Amaz, your services are no longer needed,
you did well with my instructions heeded!”
Drawing his dagger, HOREMHEB murders him.
DISSOLVE
108


108
INT. COURTROOM AT THEBES. DAY
Fade into HOREMHEB about to address the court at Thebes Palace.
PENEEB TOE(VO)
“One week later, as was expected,
Horemheb was summoned to appear before
a court of inquiry at Thebes palace.
He was feeling safe and cavalier.”
HOREMHEB
“Citizens of Thebes, noblemen of the
house of Tutankhamun and Ankhesenamun.
I come before you as my heart cries out
saddened after mourning unafraid to pout.

Hear me as I relate the terrible details
of the passing of our young and fearless king.
As you know, even with his deformity,
he was aggressively involved in everything.

It’s my unfortunate duty to tell you
of his last moments with that traitor.
There was no way for anyone to know
the true heart of that secret hater!

We later discovered he was part of a group
whose goal was to kill our gracious king.
Unfortunately, we learned too late,
to avoid pharaoh’s inevitable fate.
But I assure you, I have sent all seven
conspirators to a very painful death.
I am also proud I killed the traitor, Amaz,
his blood filled his very last breath!”

The tribunal members stand applauding HOREMHEB.


DISSOLVE
109


109
INT. ANKHESENAMUN’S BED CHAMBER. DAY

Queen ANKHESENAMUN, now 17, paces the floor clearly troubled.

ANKHESENAMUN
“How can this be, the gods must hate me.
To take my Tut, so young, so soon.
My life is forever destroyed
I’ve lost both sun and the moon.
My eyes can’t find peace anymore.
I haven’t slept one full night.
Marrying Ay really repulses me,
it's simply just not right!
He’s an old man, it’s plain to see.
How can this be happening to me?
My Tut was killed two days ago
now my grandfather’s next in line,
he must marry a royal, to stay divine.
I feel nauseous when
I think of him as my husband.
I’d rather die than kiss his lips
or wipe his nose when it drips.
Yes, there just might be a way
to beat him at his own game.
I will sit and think this through,
is there another with equal fame?
Dare I write to ask Egypt’s arch enemy,
Suppiluliuma, the Hittite king,
to send one of his sons to marry me?
He’d become pharaoh, and I’d be free,
it’s a good idea, a real possibility!

ANKHESENAMUN
(Writing on papyrus, reading out loud.)

“King Suppiluliuma of the Hittite empire,
I beseech you! My husband is dead,
I have no son to follow him, and so I live in dread.
People say you have many grown sons.
If you send one he will become my husband.
For it is repugnant to take my grandfather to wed.
I would rather die, then go to his bed.
I’ve written to no other country, I’ve written to you alone!
If you agree, we would then have a pact
of genuine peace and a lifelong contract!”
ANKHESENAMUN falls to her bed crying.

PENEEB TOE(VO)
“Ankhesenamun sent the king three messages;
one by pigeon, the second by a courier who’s brave,
and a third by her personal and trusted slave.

DISSOLVE
110


110
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Drama","Tragedy"]

Summary In the unforgiving desert, Horemheb devises a treacherous plan to eliminate Tutankhamun and seize the throne. He enlists Amaz to drive the chariot carrying the unsuspecting pharaoh, orchestrating a fatal collision that sends Tutankhamun flying. Horemheb's own chariot relentlessly crushes the life from his victim, leaving no trace of his treachery. To conceal his involvement, he murders Amaz, silencing the only witness to his heinous crime. As Horemheb addresses the court at Thebes Palace, his deceit echoes through the halls, declaring Tutankhamun's demise as an act of treason. Queen Ankhesenamun, shattered by her husband's untimely death, desperately seeks a way out of marrying her grandfather, Ay. Driven by desperation, she pens a letter to Suppiluliuma, the Hittite king, pleading for his intervention and the hand of one of his sons in marriage.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Strong character development
  • Engaging plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence may be disturbing to some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally impactful, with high stakes and significant character development. The plot is engaging and moves the story forward effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a conspiracy leading to Tutankhamun's death, the subsequent court inquiry, and Ankhesenamun's strategic decision to seek a marriage alliance are well-executed and add depth to the narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot is intense, with a series of dramatic events unfolding rapidly. The tension is high, and the resolution of Tutankhamun's death and Ankhesenamun's decision set the stage for future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to historical events, blending elements of drama and suspense with ancient Egyptian culture. The authenticity of characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Horemheb and Ankhesenamun, undergo significant development in this scene. Their actions and decisions drive the plot forward and reveal their motivations.

Character Changes: 8

Horemheb and Ankhesenamun undergo significant changes in this scene, with Horemheb committing a heinous act and Ankhesenamun making a strategic decision that will impact her future.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain power and control over the situation, even if it means resorting to violence and deception. This reflects his deeper desire for authority and dominance.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to eliminate any threats to his power and reputation, even if it means resorting to murder. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining his position of authority.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, with the death of Tutankhamun, the court inquiry, and Ankhesenamun's decision creating multiple layers of tension and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing moral dilemmas, betrayals, and violent confrontations. The audience is kept guessing about the outcomes of the conflicts.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with the death of Tutankhamun, the court inquiry, and Ankhesenamun's risky decision all carrying significant consequences for the characters and the kingdom.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing major plot developments, character decisions, and setting the stage for future conflicts and alliances.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected betrayals, violent actions, and moral ambiguity of the characters. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the events will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the moral dilemma of using violence and deceit to maintain power. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about leadership and the lengths he is willing to go to protect his position.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of sadness, betrayal, and revenge. The tragic events and character reactions resonate with the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and intentions of the characters. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the overall impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense conflict, dramatic dialogue, and suspenseful plot twists. The audience is drawn into the power struggles and moral dilemmas of the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and dramatic moments. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the overall impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with distinct transitions between locations and characters. It follows the expected format for historical drama genres.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a clear narrative arc, with a buildup of tension and resolution in each segment. It adheres to the expected format for historical drama genres.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition between the events of Tutankhamun being bumped out of his chariot and subsequently run over by Horemheb. This abrupt shift in action can be confusing for the audience.
  • The dialogue in the scene feels a bit forced and lacks depth, especially in the interaction between Horemheb and Amaz. The lines come across as overly dramatic and could benefit from more subtlety and nuance.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the storytelling and create a more immersive experience for the audience. Adding details about the setting, characters' expressions, and actions can help bring the scene to life.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, particularly in the moments leading up to Tutankhamun's death. Taking the time to build tension and suspense can make the climax more impactful and engaging for the audience.
  • The emotional depth of Ankhesenamun's reaction to Tutankhamun's death could be further explored to evoke a stronger sense of empathy and connection with the character. Adding more internal monologue or introspection can help convey her grief and turmoil more effectively.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between the events of Tutankhamun being bumped out of his chariot and his subsequent death to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Work on refining the dialogue to make it more natural and authentic, focusing on creating realistic interactions between the characters.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions in the scene to paint a vivid picture for the audience and create a more immersive experience.
  • Take the time to build tension and suspense leading up to Tutankhamun's death to create a more impactful and engaging climax.
  • Explore Ankhesenamun's emotional journey in more depth to convey her grief and turmoil more effectively, adding layers to her character.



Scene 32 -  The Vizier's Dilemma
INT. AY’S QUARTERS. DAY
At the door, AY yells to an unseen guard.

AY
“Guards, have Horemheb report to me at once!
Just don’t stand there, go quickly, you lazy dunce!”

AY paces furiously, impatiently looking at the door. HOREMHEB enters.

HOREMHEB
“Ay, what troubles you,
my friend? You seem undone?
Perhaps I can be of some help
and return you to having fun?…”

AY
“...certainly not! One of my spies intercepted
a note from the Hittite king to Ankhesenamun.
She’s asked for one of his sons to wed,
she plans to make him pharaoh instead.
He’s agreed, and one is on the way.
I didn’t even get a chance to say
how much I love her anyway!
But this I will not allow,
I must stop it at once, somehow!
I’m not quite sure about what to do?
I need you and your devious mind,
to help me resolve this issue
in the quickest way, you can find?”
HOREMHEB
“Rest easy Ay, I will take care of everything!
I will not let that transgression be.
This affects Egypt as well as you and me.”

AY
“What will you do, tell me?
I demand to know!
A war with the Hittite king
is not the way to go.”

HOREMHEB
“Let me handle this, Ay,
I alone must know the details.
You’ll learn why soon enough,
this could become politically rough!”

HOREMHEB turns heading toward the door. A broad smile covers his face.

DISSOLVE
111


111
EXT. DESERT. DAY

The Hittite price ZANNANZA, and his entourage of six armed guards
travel the desert. The camel led caravan reaches an OLD LADY carrying a
heavy sack. The lead GUARD gets off his camel to approach her.
GUARD
“old woman, what are you doing out here
alone upon these endless hot sands?
That bag looks heavier than you.
where are you headed, tell me true?”

ZANNANZA exits his carriage, the OLD LADY drops to her knees.

OLD LADY
“Please, my lords of the desert,
have mercy on my poor soul.
I beg you not to kill me,
for you my sack of figs are free.”
ZANNANZA
“Old woman, why are you out here,
and why are you all alone?
Desert scavengers will surely devour
you down to your last bone?”
OLD LADY
(Sobbing)
“My daughter and I set out three days ago
with fresh figs for pharaoh at Thebes palace.
But the Aten wouldn’t allow that to be,
I think maybe he’s stopped loving me?
Early this morning, thieves raped my daughter,
stole our donkey and also took our water.
As they left, she was screaming bloody murder,
leaving me to die, knowing they’d hurt her!

The OLD LADY grabs her chest breathing deeply, praying.

Now, that I am about to die at your hands,
may the Aten have mercy on my soul!
I pray the gods will let me reach
the afterlife, that’s my lifelong goal...”

ZANNANZA
“…no, no, dear lady, no harm will come to you
from me or any of my men.
You will travel with us to Thebes,
and be completely safe, until then.
Now, you’re under my personal protection.
you, and all your fig collection!”
DISSOLVE
112


112
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Drama"]

Summary AY, the royal vizier, learns of Ankhesenamun's plan to marry a Hittite prince and seeks help from his friend Horemheb. Horemheb agrees to assist, leaving with a plan to resolve the situation. Meanwhile, in the desert, the prince Zannanza offers protection to an old woman in need as they travel towards Thebes.
Strengths
  • Effective introduction of new conflict
  • Tension and suspense maintained throughout
  • Strong character development for Ay and Horemheb
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Lack of significant character growth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces a new conflict and raises the stakes, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the outcome.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of political maneuvering and potential betrayal is well-executed, adding depth to the story and setting up future developments.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens with the introduction of the Hittite threat, adding layers of complexity and intrigue to the narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene demonstrates a fresh approach to historical fiction by combining political intrigue with personal relationships, showcasing authentic character actions and dialogue that feel true to the time period.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Ay and Horemheb's characters are further developed through their actions and dialogue, showcasing their determination and strategic thinking.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, Ay and Horemheb's resolve and strategic thinking are further highlighted.

Internal Goal: 9

Ay's internal goal is to prevent Ankhesenamun from marrying a Hittite prince and becoming pharaoh, as he loves her and wants to protect his position and Egypt's stability. This reflects his fear of losing power, his desire for love, and his need for control.

External Goal: 8

Ay's external goal is to stop the marriage between Ankhesenamun and the Hittite prince to prevent political turmoil and maintain his authority. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in preserving his power and Egypt's stability.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high as Ay and Horemheb face a new threat to Egypt's stability and must navigate complex political dynamics.

Opposition: 8

The opposition rating is strong, as Ay faces internal and external obstacles that challenge his beliefs, values, and decisions, creating suspense and conflict that drive the scene.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Ay and Horemheb must navigate a potentially dangerous situation that could impact the future of Egypt.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and setting up future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the plot, the moral ambiguity of the characters' actions, and the unresolved conflicts that leave the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the balance between personal desires and political responsibilities. Ay must choose between his love for Ankhesenamun and his duty to Egypt, highlighting the tension between individual happiness and societal obligations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of tension and anticipation, but the emotional impact is not as pronounced as in more character-driven moments.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the urgency and tension of the situation, revealing the characters' motivations and concerns.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, emotional conflict, and dynamic character interactions that keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually, allowing for emotional moments to resonate, and maintaining a sense of urgency that drives the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, dialogue formatting, and descriptive language that enhances the visual storytelling.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character motivations, rising tension, and a cliffhanger ending that propels the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Ay's quarters to the desert without a clear connection or smooth transition.
  • The dialogue between Ay and Horemheb feels a bit forced and lacks subtlety in conveying the urgency and tension of the situation.
  • The character motivations and emotions could be more deeply explored to add depth and complexity to the scene.
  • The introduction of the Old Lady in the desert feels disjointed and could benefit from better integration into the overall narrative.
  • There is a lack of visual description and detail in the desert setting, making it difficult for the reader to fully visualize the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between the two locations to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Work on refining the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities and emotions.
  • Explore the inner thoughts and conflicts of Ay and Horemheb to add layers to their characters and enhance the tension in the scene.
  • Integrate the introduction of the Old Lady more seamlessly into the narrative to ensure it aligns with the overall plot and themes.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions of the desert setting to create a more vivid and immersive scene for the reader.



Scene 33 -  Death in the Desert
INT. DESERT TENT. NIGHT
Nighttime, a single torch lights the inside of ZANNANZA’S tent.
ZANNANZA, his six men and the OLD LADY are fast asleep. The OLD LADY
peeks out from under her bed coverings seeing ZANNANZA and the
bodyguards fast asleep. Silently she crawls to ZANNANZA, sharply
twisting, breaking his neck, then she crawls back under her covers.
FADE OUT:
Fade in to the next morning. ZANNANZA’S men find him dead.

FIRST GUARD
(Falling to his knees.)

“Quickly, come see, Zannanza’s dead.
He must have died in his sleep.
But, he was so young and strong,
the gods now will surely weep!”
SECOND GUARD
“Was he sick or feeling bad?
How could he die without a sound?
The old lady couldn’t have killed him?
And there’s no one else around?”
THIRD GUARD
“It’s just so hard to believe
Zannanza’s dead, and it’s a mystery.
It means our mission must end here,
to become a part of our history.”
The FIRST GUARD goes to help the OLD LADY, heading for the exit.
FIRST GUARD
“Old lady, have no worries,
you are free to go from here.
I’ll give you one of our donkeys,
you won’t have to walk, have no fear!
We’ll return to our land, with empty hands
and Zannanza’s unused wedding bands.
Now go to Thebes with your figs
and live a long, long happy life.
try to forget this horrible incident,
you’ve surely had enough strife.”
The guard helps the OLD LADY and the exit the tent.
FADE OUT:
113


113

Fade into bubbling clouds.
PENEEB TOE(VO)
“Amenia, Horemheb’s wife was happy
being married to a general.
She was a noble of the court
and to all she was amenable.

Horemheb gave her eight slaves
to attend all her earthly needs.
Her father, Abusir, died two years before,
leaving her the granaries, and much more.
But, no amount of money could
buy her what she really needed.
She’d been barren 3 years accepting
full blame as she reluctantly conceded.
Amenia fancied one of her chamber guards.
His name was Jamentptah, handsome and tall,
he responded to her every beck and call.
One night, shortly after two am,
Amenia woke with a start,
she began yelling out loud,
clutching her beating heart.”

FADE OUT:

Fade into AMENIA’S bedchamber.

AMENIA
“Help me, guards, help me please!
I must escape from here.
Quickly now, come help me
to make it disappear.”
Two guards rush in making sure not to get too close to her.
JAMENTPTAH
(Kneeling)
“What is it, my lady, what ails you?”
AMENIA
“I had a bad dream, a nightmare!
I was chased through the bulrushes,
when I ran right into a crocodile,
his mouth was opened wide,
showing his jagged teeth inside.”

JAMENTPTAH
“It’s alright now, you are perfectly safe
there’s no one here but Doresa and me.
Your life is safe with us.
that’s my personal guarantee!”
A
114


114
MENIAL
“Good, now hear me plain and clear.
I want Doresa to wait outside my door,
he’s to make sure no one comes in,
absolutely no one, that’s for sure!
You, Jamentptah, stay here at my side
for the rest of the night, is that clear?
My life is in your hands,
I’m not used to feeling fear.”
JAMENTPTAH
“Yes, my lady, as you ask!
For me there is no greater task!”

He signals to DORESA, he leaves, AMENIA gestures JAMENTPTAH closer.
AMENIA
“Jamentptah, don’t be afraid to approach me,
I’m still shaking from my nightmare dream.
I need you to hold me, I promise not to scream!”
JAMENTPTAH
“But, my lady, if I touch you
I will surely be put to death!
My life is in your hands until
I breath my last dying breath.”

AMENIA
(Smiling, as she comforts him.)

“You need not fear anyone!
I’m all the protection you’ll ever need,
now, come here, and lie next to me!
I’m ordering you to concede!”

JAMENTPTAH, unsure of himself, lays his spear down and removes his
daggers and breastplate. She pulls him to her, kissing his mouth.

FADE OUT:
115


115
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary An old woman silently kills Zannanza, breaking his neck. Guards discover his body and give the old woman a donkey before departing. Amenia, Horemheb's wife, experiences a disturbing dream and seeks comfort from Jamentptah, asking him to stay with her and kiss her.
Strengths
  • Complex plot
  • Intense conflict
  • Well-defined characters
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is gripping and full of suspense, with a well-executed plot twist that keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of betrayal and murder in a historical context is intriguing and well-developed.

Plot: 9

The plot is complex and layered, with multiple storylines converging to create a tense and dramatic scene.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on historical drama with elements of mystery, betrayal, and personal vendettas. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their motivations are clear, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes in their relationships and motivations, setting the stage for future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to seek revenge or fulfill a personal vendetta, as seen through the actions of the OLD LADY who kills ZANNANZA. This reflects a deeper desire for justice or closure.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to complete a mission or task, which is disrupted by ZANNANZA's death. This reflects the immediate challenge they face in achieving their objective.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with high stakes and hidden agendas.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts between characters, moral dilemmas, and unexpected twists. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with betrayal, murder, and political intrigue shaping the characters' fates.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected actions of the characters, the twists in the plot, and the moral dilemmas presented.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of betrayal, loyalty, and power. The OLD LADY's actions challenge the values and beliefs of the other characters, leading to a moral dilemma.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear to intrigue, keeping the audience emotionally engaged.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is effective in conveying the characters' emotions and driving the plot forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its suspenseful plot, emotional conflicts, and dramatic dialogue. The reader is drawn into the characters' motivations and actions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a balance of action, dialogue, and description. The rhythm enhances the emotional impact of the events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a historical drama, with clear scene transitions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, a climax of action, and a resolution. The formatting enhances the dramatic impact of the events.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition or connection to the previous scenes, making it feel disjointed from the rest of the script.
  • The sudden and unexpected act of the old lady breaking Zannanza's neck feels out of place and lacks proper build-up or justification within the story.
  • The dialogue between the guards discussing Zannanza's death feels forced and unnatural, lacking depth and emotional impact.
  • The resolution of giving the old lady a donkey and letting her go feels rushed and anticlimactic, leaving the audience with unanswered questions.
  • The shift to a completely different setting and storyline with Amenia and Jamentptah is jarring and disrupts the flow of the script.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the scene to provide a smoother transition from the previous events and ensure it aligns with the overall narrative.
  • Provide more context or foreshadowing for the old lady's actions to make her sudden act of violence more believable and impactful.
  • Enhance the dialogue between the guards to add depth and emotion, making the scene more engaging for the audience.
  • Develop a more satisfying resolution for the old lady's character arc to provide closure and tie up loose ends.
  • Integrate the Amenia and Jamentptah storyline more seamlessly into the script to maintain continuity and coherence.



Scene 34 -  Desperate Choices
INT. ZAHRA’S TENT. DAY

Fade into ZAHRA’S tent; dark and dingy. AMENIA, being prepared lies on
a table as ZAHRA and two assistants scurry about concocting mixtures.

PENEEB TOE(VO)
“After Amenia seduced Jamentptah,
he remained her faithful bed mate.
She made him captain of her guards,
accepting it as his god given fate.

One morning, about a year later,
Amenia woke feeling nauseous.
She concluded she was pregnant,
true, she’d not been very cautious.

How could this be she wondered?
It’s been years without a child.
Horemheb will kill her if he finds out
he’d definitely consider her defiled!

Amenia realized her only chance
was to abort the fetus now.
Before her pregnancy became obvious.
Suddenly, she now knew how.

Captain Jamentptah and two others
were found dead the very next night.
Their throats had been cut, it was assumed
they’d been drinking, and killed in a fight.

Amenia’s closest handmaiden, Keket,
suggested she go to meet
the most famous midwife in all of Egypt;
the midwife, Zahra known to be discreet.

The abortion was set three days hence
in secret, and only Keket knew.
Zahra prepared ground acacia dates and honey,
adding them to a wooded wet seed stew.”

ZAHRA
“This sacred mixture will take effect.
I prepared it special just for you.
In a few weeks time, you’ll be protected
from other pregnancies for a year or two.”

AMENIA
“No, no, it must be resolved now, tonight!
Pull the baby out now, any way you can.
Do it now I say, it’s my mother’s right!”
ZAHRA
“You could die! Yes, I’ve seen that before!
I assure you it’s dangerous, that’s for sure!”
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116
AMENIA
“If you don’t do as I ask, you will surely die!”
ZAHRA
“But my lady, what you ask is forbidden!
The killing of a fetus is punishable by death.
The gods will see us dead!
If you value your life take this drug instead!”

AMENIA
“I will not tell you again, do it, do as I say!”

ZAHRA gingerly inserts her hand into AMENIA’S vagina, as she sobs.
ZAHRA
“I do not want to do this!”
AMENIA grabs her hand to stop her from removing it.

AMENIA
“Don’t stop, just get the fetus out,
that’s all I’m asking you to do!
Do it now or I’ll have you killed,
and leave your sad life unfulfilled!”

ZAHRA finds the fetus and begins pulling the umbilical cord, the fetus
is pulled out. AMENIA gets off the table, picks up a birthing block
and begins crushing the fetus.
FADE OUT:
117


117
Genres: ["Drama","Historical"]

Summary In this scene, Amenia seeks an abortion from the midwife Zahra, despite the risks involved. Zahra reluctantly agrees and performs the procedure, leading to a dramatic and intense moment. The main conflict arises from Amenia's desire to abort the fetus and Zahra's reluctance due to the consequences. The emotional tone is intense and desperate, with key dialogue focusing on Amenia demanding the abortion to be done immediately. The scene ends with Amenia crushing the fetus after it has been removed, showcasing the dark and tragic outcome of her actions.
Strengths
  • Exploration of taboo subject matter
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Well-developed characters
Weaknesses
  • Graphic and disturbing content may be off-putting to some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, emotionally charged, and delves into a controversial and dark subject matter, making it impactful and memorable.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring abortion in ancient Egypt is unique and adds depth to the characters and their motivations.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around a high-stakes situation where Amenia risks her life to undergo an abortion, showcasing the lengths she is willing to go to protect herself.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a unique and fresh approach to the theme of abortion in ancient Egypt, blending historical elements with personal drama and moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their actions in this scene reveal their inner turmoil and desperation.

Character Changes: 8

Amenia undergoes a significant change as she makes a drastic decision to protect herself, showcasing her desperation and determination.

Internal Goal: 9

Amenia's internal goal is to resolve her pregnancy in a way that protects her life and reputation. This reflects her fear of being killed by Horemheb and her desire to maintain her status and power.

External Goal: 8

Amenia's external goal is to have the fetus aborted to avoid detection of her pregnancy and potential punishment from Horemheb. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with Amenia facing a life-threatening situation and Zahra torn between her duty and the consequences of her actions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and values driving the characters' actions and decisions.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are incredibly high as Amenia risks her life to undergo an abortion, facing potential death or severe consequences.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides insight into the characters' motivations and sets the stage for future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and decisions made by the characters, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the value of life and the consequences of breaking societal norms. Amenia values her own life and reputation above all else, while Zahra is conflicted between following her duty as a midwife and the consequences of performing an illegal abortion.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience due to the intense subject matter and the characters' emotional struggles.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is intense and reflects the emotional turmoil of the characters, especially Amenia and Zahra.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, moral dilemmas, and intense conflict between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense as the characters' conflict escalates.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, building tension and conflict through dialogue and actions.


Critique
  • The scene depicts a very sensitive and controversial topic of abortion, which should be handled with care and respect. The dialogue and actions of the characters should reflect the gravity of the situation.
  • The character of Amenia's sudden decision to abort the fetus and the subsequent murders of Jamentptah and two others feel rushed and lack proper build-up or justification.
  • The dialogue between Amenia and Zahra could be more nuanced and emotionally charged to convey the intensity of the moment and the conflicting emotions of the characters.
  • The scene could benefit from more internal monologue or reflection from Amenia to provide insight into her motivations and emotional state during such a drastic decision.
  • The visual description of the abortion procedure and the aftermath should be handled with sensitivity and avoid graphic details that may be disturbing to readers.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more depth to Amenia's character by exploring her internal struggles, fears, and reasons behind her decision to abort the fetus.
  • Provide more context or foreshadowing for the murders of Jamentptah and the others to make the events feel more organic and believable within the story.
  • Focus on the emotional impact of the abortion on both Amenia and Zahra, highlighting the ethical dilemma and moral implications of their actions.
  • Consider incorporating a resolution or consequences for the characters involved in the abortion and the subsequent murders to add depth and realism to the scene.
  • Handle the description of the abortion procedure with sensitivity and tact, focusing on the emotional and psychological aspects rather than graphic details.



Scene 35 -  Amenia's Arrest
INT. TEMPLE OF AMUN. DAY

Fade into the interior of the temple of, it’s daytime, HOREMHEB’S on
his knees kissing his Amun Re talisman.
HOREMHEB
“Oh Amun, you the king of truth,
lord of eternity, prince of everlasting youth,
and sovereign over all the gods,
maker of heaven, against all odds.
All the gods rejoice at your rising.
I love you without any criticizing…”

Something catches his eye, he turns toward the entrance to see JABARI,
his trusted spy, sticking his head in at the temple entrance. He
signals for JABARI to go to the far corner, out of plain sight.

JABARI
“May Amun bless, and keep you well
I have some bad news, my general!
All the gods are weeping this day,
forgive what I’m about to say...”

HOREMHEB
“...get on with it Jabari, what’s happened?”
JABARI
“I am most sorry to report
such unfortunate information.
Your wife has been arrested,
accused of degradation!”

HOREMHEB
“What? are you sure?
Who would dare do this to me,
and risk my wrath for eternity?”

JABARI
“Forgive me my lord, I hate to say it,
it is true, and there is no maybe.
The facts are duly reported,
she was seen killing her own baby.”
HOREMHEB
“You’re mad, my Amenia has no baby!

(HOREMHEB grabs him by the throat)

You’re obviously mistaken, is there
some drug you have taken?”
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118
JABARI
“No, my lord, Keket herself came to me,
not more than one hour ago.
She said to rush this information
to you as quickly as my feet could go!”
HOREMHEB’S taken aback. He releases JABARI.
HOREMHEB
“No, this cannot be true, no!
And why would she be arrested?
She’s unable to become pregnant?
Didn’t she at once contest it?”

JABARI
(Slowly and cautiously)
“Keket, the midwife, said Amenia murdered
her own fetus, after she aborted it.
She saw it with her very own eyes.
swore it’s true, hearing the baby’s cries.

Somehow, the news got to pharaoh Ay,
he decreed the act unconscionable.
Killing a fetus has forever been
punishable by death as a moral sin!”
DISSOLVE
119


119
Genres: ["Historical Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Horemheb is praying at the Temple of Amun when his spy Jabari arrives with news that his wife Amenia has been arrested for murdering her baby. Horemheb is stunned and disbelieving, as his wife was unable to conceive. The midwife Keket reported the crime. The scene ends with Horemheb grappling with the news of his wife's arrest.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Shocking revelation
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, dramatic, and reveals a significant plot twist that keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of betrayal, murder, and deception is well-executed and adds depth to the storyline.

Plot: 9

The plot takes a surprising turn with the revelation of the murder and arrest, adding layers of complexity to the narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh take on historical drama by incorporating elements of Egyptian mythology and religious beliefs. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' actions and reactions are compelling and drive the conflict forward.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo significant emotional turmoil and face the consequences of their actions.

Internal Goal: 9

Horemheb's internal goal is to understand the shocking news of his wife's arrest and come to terms with the accusations against her. This reflects his deeper fears of betrayal and loss of trust.

External Goal: 8

Horemheb's external goal is to uncover the truth behind his wife's arrest and clear her name. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in defending his wife and reputation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict reaches a peak with the revelation of the murder and the consequences faced by the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Horemheb facing a challenging dilemma that threatens his beliefs and relationships. The uncertainty of the accusations adds to the opposition's complexity.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high with the revelation of murder, arrest, and the potential consequences for the characters involved.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major plot twist and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twist of Horemheb's wife being accused of a heinous crime. The audience is left unsure of the truth and the characters' motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the moral implications of killing a fetus and the consequences of such actions in the eyes of the gods and society. This challenges Horemheb's beliefs about justice and morality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the shocking revelation and the characters' reactions.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and reveals crucial information, but could be more nuanced in certain exchanges.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its dramatic tension, emotional stakes, and the revelation of shocking news. The conflict and dialogue keep the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual buildup of tension and emotional intensity. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue. It enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a historical drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a strong visual of Horemheb praying at the Temple of Amun, setting a serious and intense tone. The dialogue between Horemheb and Jabari is engaging and reveals crucial information about Amenia's arrest, creating suspense and intrigue. However, the transition from Horemheb's prayer to the news of his wife's arrest feels a bit abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene. The emotional impact of the news could be heightened by delving deeper into Horemheb's reaction and internal conflict upon hearing about the accusations against his wife. Additionally, the dialogue between Horemheb and Jabari could be more emotionally charged to convey the gravity of the situation.
  • The revelation of Amenia's alleged actions adds a layer of complexity to the scene, but the disbelief expressed by Horemheb could be further explored to showcase his internal turmoil and conflicting emotions. The scene could benefit from more descriptive language to evoke a stronger sense of tension and drama, especially in Horemheb's reaction to the shocking news. Overall, while the scene effectively introduces a significant plot development, there is room to enhance the emotional depth and impact of the moment.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more descriptive language to enhance the atmosphere and emotional intensity of the scene.
  • Explore Horemheb's internal conflict and emotional turmoil in response to the news of his wife's arrest to deepen the character development.
  • Smooth out the transition between Horemheb's prayer and the revelation of Amenia's arrest for better narrative flow.
  • Heighten the emotional impact of the scene by amplifying the dialogue between Horemheb and Jabari to convey the gravity of the situation.
  • Focus on building tension and drama through detailed descriptions and character reactions to engage the audience effectively.



Scene 36 -  Clash of Wills: Ay and Horemheb's Deadly Dispute
INT. PALACE THRONE ROOM. DAY

AY and HOREMHEB face each other arguing. Pharaoh AY sits on his throne.
AY
“No, you listen to me!
You have defied me much too often,
and that must stop here and now!
Calm down and proceed with caution!”
HOREMHEB
“I defy you only when it’s necessary,
like now, this very minute!
We had an agreement, did we not?
How dare you try to spin it?”

AY
“I am pharaoh! All bow before me,
you Horemheb are my subject too.
I am the god of all Egypt’s people,
there’s nothing further you can do!”

HOREMHEB
“You are pharaoh, only because of your age.
The populace so far only knows your rage.
I could have taken the crown after tut died
but, being magnanimous, I was soft inside!”

AY
“Magnanimous, you say?
I was next in line, according to our laws.
You knew that! It’s been legally fitting,
and what Amun decrees, has no flaws!”

HOREMHEB
“I am not here to argue that,
yes, you are pharaoh, Ay!
But why was my wife arrested,
for such a vicious lie...?”

AY
“…my esteemed general,
were you not aware she was with child?
It is known here at court
that you have been beguiled.”

HOREMHEB
(Visibly agitated)
“What’s that got to do with this?
Release her now, I demand it!”

AY
“You cannot demand anything!
Be careful, Horemheb, do not yell.
There are empty dungeons near hers,
I can put you in there as well!”
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120
HOREMHEB
(Defiantly)
“Hear me, Ay, my wife is
not to be treated like a peasant!
Didn’t we agree to protect each
other from anything unpleasant?”
AY
(Stares at him silently for a moment.)
“Your precious wife had numerous lovers!”
HOREMHEB
“Yes, I already knew that!
I saw no problem with them.
In fact, I encouraged her!
that’s no reason to condemn.”
AY
”Why are there no children of your own!
No heirs, even if you had the throne.”
HOREMHEB
“It’s not something I ever hid!”
I don’t want children, I never did!

AY
(Quips)
“Are you able to make children Horemheb?”

HOREMHEB
“What kind of question is that? Of course I can!
Why makes you think I’m less of a man?”
AY
“No, I don’t believe that.
But why then was your wife
so eager to lose this child!
Why was she so reviled?”

HOREMHEB
“Alright then, even if it’s true,
abortion’s not illegal, is it?
So, why did you arrest my wife,
why disrupt my busy life?”
AY
“She murdered the fetus, bashed in its brains!
We have an eyewitness to verify those claims.”
HOREMHEB
(Defensive and flippant)
“So be it, one less mouth to feed!
I didn’t want children, we both agreed!”
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121
AY
“Not so fast, my general,
Abortion is legal, yes its true,
but killing a living fetus,
is punishable by death too!”
HOREMHEB
“No, you cannot be serious.
You can not kill my wife!
Not as long as I live,
you must set her free and forgive!”

AY
“Be weary Horemheb,
you stand on precipitous ground!
You cannot refute what has
already been found!
He stands up from his throne, turning to the entrance, calling out!
Guards, on me!”
The doors open; two men with spears enter and run to both sides of
pharaoh. One of the guards is JABARI, captain of pharaoh’s guard, and
HOREMHEB’S spy. They stand at the ready, spears pointed at HOREMHEB.

AY CON’T
I hoped you would see
the unquestionable legality
of my decision, without derision!
We do not allow children to be
murdered without recompense!
What would the people think of me?”
HOREMHEB
(Turns heading for the door.)
“Do not dare to stop me pharaoh;
my wife is to be released at once!
I’ve had enough of this foolishness,
let this be the end of your stunts...”

AY
“...Horemheb, your wife is already dead!”

HOREMHEB
(Turns to face pharaoh.)

“What? Dead? no, no, it cannot be so!”

AY
“Yes, it is so!
I put her to death this very morning.
I simply had no choice!
I must follow Amun Re’s voice!”
122


122
HOREMHEB stares up at pharaoh. The room is eerily silent for a
moment. HOREMHEB signals JABARI, who throws his spear for HOREMHEB to
catch. The second guard, BENTA, surprised, stands in complete shock.
HOREMHEB races up the steps to the throne where AY sits and thrusts the
spear into AY’S chest, killing him instantly. Then HOREMHEB turns and
kills BENTA too.

FADE OUT:
123


123
Genres: ["Historical Drama","Political Thriller"]

Summary In the Palace Throne Room, Pharaoh Ay and General Horemheb engage in a heated argument over the arrest of Horemheb's wife for aborting her fetus. Ay claims it is illegal, while Horemheb argues it is legal. Ay reveals he has had Horemheb's wife executed, prompting Horemheb to kill Ay and a guard. Jabari, Horemheb's spy, assists in the killing.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Unexpected twist
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Sudden resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, dramatic, and filled with conflict, keeping the audience engaged throughout. The unexpected twist at the end adds a layer of complexity and intrigue.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of power struggle, betrayal, and consequences of defiance is well-executed in this scene.

Plot: 9

The plot is gripping, with a strong build-up of tension and a surprising resolution that propels the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on power dynamics and moral dilemmas in ancient Egypt, with unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' emotions and motivations adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Ay and Horemheb are well-developed, with conflicting motivations and strong personalities that drive the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Horemheb undergoes a significant change from defiance to desperation and ultimately to violence.

Internal Goal: 8

Horemheb's internal goal is to protect his wife and assert his own sense of justice and morality in the face of the pharaoh's authority. This reflects his deeper need for autonomy and integrity.

External Goal: 7

Horemheb's external goal is to secure the release of his wife and challenge the pharaoh's unjust actions. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Ay and Horemheb is intense and drives the scene forward with high stakes.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and goals driving the conflict between the characters. The audience is kept in suspense about the outcome, adding to the dramatic tension.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high with the life of a character on the line and the power dynamics between Ay and Horemheb at play.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a major conflict and resolution.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden escalation of conflict, shocking revelations, and unexpected character actions. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome until the very end.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash between absolute power and personal morality. The pharaoh represents authority and law, while Horemheb embodies individual conscience and justice.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions, especially with the shocking revelation at the end.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and reveals the power dynamics between the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense conflict, moral ambiguity, and unexpected plot twists. The dialogue and character dynamics keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense through dialogue and character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the emotional impact of the confrontation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy confrontation in a historical setting. The use of character names and stage directions enhances clarity and visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dramatic confrontation, building tension through dialogue and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene is filled with intense conflict and power dynamics between AY and HOREMHEB, which adds depth to their characters and the overall story.
  • The dialogue is strong and effectively conveys the tension and emotions of the characters, especially in their arguments and confrontations.
  • The revelation of Amenia's arrest and subsequent death adds a shocking twist to the scene, increasing the stakes and drama.
  • The use of guards and the spear as a weapon symbolizes the power struggle and ultimate violent resolution between AY and HOREMHEB.
  • The scene effectively builds suspense and keeps the audience engaged with the unfolding events and revelations.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal monologue or emotional reactions from HOREMHEB to further explore his conflicting feelings about his wife's arrest and death.
  • Provide more context or backstory to deepen the audience's understanding of the characters' motivations and relationships.
  • Explore the aftermath of AY's death and HOREMHEB's actions to show the consequences of his choices and the impact on the story moving forward.
  • Consider incorporating more visual elements or descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and setting of the palace throne room, adding to the overall cinematic experience.
  • Focus on pacing and clarity in the dialogue to ensure that the intense emotions and conflicts are effectively conveyed to the audience.



Scene 37 -  The Coronation, Accusation, and Duel of Horemheb
EXT. MEMPHIS COURTYARD. DAY

Fade in a montage of an Egyptian coronation, with all its pomp and
ceremony. HOREMHEB and MUTNODJMET are seen with multitudes of onlookers.
PENEEB TOE(VO)
“Millions of onlookers attended
pharaoh Horemheb’s coronation,
In Memphis, days after Ay’s death,
and the start of his mummification.
To legitimize the common born Horemheb,
he married Mutnodjmet, Ay’s granddaughter
and Nefertiti’s younger sister.
She was 19, intelligent, with an ordinary face,
they fell in love at first embrace.
Their marriage was abiding Egyptian law,
royalty can only be accessed through the female line.
Mutnodjmet, the over-sexed royal princess,
chose bed mates, wherever she felt inclined.”
DISSOLVE

To a palace room with a court of inquiry in session.
PENEEB TOE CON’T (VO)
The court of inquiry following Ay’s murder,
was resolved in less than one hour.
Horemheb testified that while visiting pharaoh,
he personally witnessed Ay’s regicide.”
HOREMHEB
“I was present when pharaoh told his guards,
to bring refreshments from the kitchen.
Jabari, captain of the guard, and lieutenant Benta,
were present at this commission.
Without a word, Benta raced up to the throne,
and before anyone could reach him,
he plunged his spear into pharaoh’s chest.
It happened so quickly, but here’s the rest.
Jabari, was first to reach the assassin,
not bothering to wait for me.
He slew Benta without hesitation, quickly as can be.”

The tribunal composed of HOREMHEB’S friends talk among
themselves, concluding AY’S murder satisfactorily resolved. The
tribunal members leave the hall satisfied, and the issue closed.

PENEEB TOE (VO)
“Horemheb became the 16th pharaoh
of the eighteenth dynasty.
He now was 41 years of age,
and the year was 1319 BCE.”

FADE OUT:
124


124
INT. PHARAOH HOREMHEB’S BED CHAMBER. EARLY MORNING

Fade into HOREMHEB’S bedchamber. It’s early morning, dark and quiet.
Wisps of smoke curl upward from four braziers, placed on either side
of Horemheb’s bed. Horemheb’s eyes open, smiling. He’s Pharaoh now;
God of the two lands of Egypt! With a deep breath, thinking out loud.

HOREMHEB (VO)
“Hmmmm, yes, I smell the perfumes
of frankincense and myrrh.
Here I lie as pharaoh, is it really true?
My life is now complete,
there’s nothing left to conquer,
nothing left to pursue!”

HOREMHEB leans forward, glancing around the dim moonlit chamber. He
sees the silhouettes of three men and three women with their heads
bowed, touching the marble floor near his bed. Two other armed guards
stand protecting the entrance to the bedchamber. Totally relaxed, he
leans back, placing his hands under his headrest. One of the slave
girls lifts her head whispering in HOREMHEB’S direction.
SLAVE GIRL
(Softly)

“My lord god, would you like to waken,
and should I rouse the others?
I beg your royal indulgence,
and await your royal pleasure.”
HOREMHEB
“No, we will wait until first light.
For now, I will enjoy the sights
and the beauty of this glorious night.

HOREMHEB looks up at the murals painted on the walls, reminiscing.
When I was a child in Muktar’s tribe,
Nebhet said my destiny would be great.
Now, here I am, pharaoh!
Yes, apparently it is my fate!”

As daylight breaks, and the sun peeks through the high placed windows in
his bedchamber, HOREMHEB is gently lifted and carried to a nearby throne.
The attendants carry him to a pool where his bed linens are removed, and
he’s slowly submerged into the warm water heated by hot stones. Slaves
wash him from head to toe using soapy cloths, then he’s brought into the
sunlight now flooding the room through the windows. There, he’s covered
with soft linens to keep warm, others massage his chest, arms and thighs.
Finally, he’s dressed in a gold white trimmed loin cloth, his eyes
kohled, and his palms and feet hennaed.
A breastplate with a solid gold vulture at its center, surrounded by
multicolored jewels, is placed over his head resting on his chest. Rings
are carefully positioned on his fingers, and coiled golden snake
bracelets around his arms.
125


125
Lastly, the Hedjet, a soft linen crown with laps on either side is placed
on his head, then he’s carried to a table filled with assorted foods and
drinks. HOREMHEB points to fruit, and it is quickly put into his mouth.

DISSOLVE
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126

Fade into bulbous bubbling clouds as PENEEB TOE speaks.
PENEEB TOE
“The next six years passed quietly
as Egypt’s population settled down.
There were no major conflicts,
and the Nile’s abundant inundations
were accredited to his deserving crown.

Horemheb continued rebuilding the temples
torn down during Akhenaten’s reign.
Then gouging out his cartouche seen
everywhere he’d placed his famous name.

Once a week, Mutnodjmet and Horemheb
sat to adjudicate the laws of the land.
They were both fair to a fault
but Horemheb’s word was in demand.”

FADE OUT:

Fade into HOREMHEB and MUTNODJMET on their thrones. Two scribes are
positioned within hearing distance, and the regular retinue of court
officials and onlookers are present to watch justice being meted out.
JABARI stands nearby reading a papyrus containing the offenses. Two
guards bring the next offender in line. He’s frightened, and the
guards have to hold him under his arms and deposit him at the steps
leading to the thrones. JABARI turns, whispering into HOREMHEB’S ear,
then moving behind him afterward. The offender shivers, not daring to
look into the face of the lord God before him.
HOREMHEB
“Look at me as I pronounce your fate, peasant!
I charge you with having the temerity
to stealing two of your neighbors goats,
and feeding it to your own family!

The man opens his mouth, HOREMHEB silences him, holding up his hand.
You are no better than he,
your family is no more deserving,
you decided your well being
was more worthy of preserving.

For that transgression,
I sentence you to die
this very day at sunset.
I have spoken, you will comply.

You shall be impaled by our law!
A fitting end, now withdraw!
Jabari, record my final decree.
now begone, leave me!
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127
The sobbing man is carried out of sight. JABARI reads from a new papyrus.
The doors open and two heralds enter their horns blaring, followed by a
Hittite MESSENGER, approaching the steps to the thrones.
MESSENGER
“Your majesties, I am sent to speak to you,
representing king Suppiluliuma’s voice.
He’s the great king of all Hattusa
where we Hittite subjects all rejoice!

The MESSENGER pauses, waiting for permission to precede, HOREMHEB nods.

To Horemheb, pharaoh of all Egypt.
You have been revealed as the coward
who murdered my son Zannanza,
by someone, we know that you empowered.”

HOREMHEB’S surprised and taken aback. The audience reacts with shock.

MESSENGER CON’T
“While as general of Egypt’s armies,
you masterminded my son’s death.
My blood boils at your audaciousness,
you robbed me of my daily breath!
But, me being the better man,
offer you the chance to ease
the sorrow in my bleeding heart,
by dying at my feet one cubit apart.
I propose we meet, midpoint
between Anatolia and Egypt.
We both will have 250 men on that day.
Can you for once try to be honorable
and show a sense of fair play!

The hall is eerily silent. HOREMHEB ponders, then slowly stands up.

HOREMHEB
“Scribes, approach!”

Two scribes quickly sit with their papyri, brushes and inks, writing.

HOREMHEB CON’T
“As per your request, Suppiluliuma,
I grant you, your dying wish.
I will take your miserable life
and gut you like a fish.
We will meet at Wadi el Basson,
at first light on dawn May 5th,
in the plains, below the ravine,
the last time you’ll ever be seen.

Heed my response, already dead king,
for my words will set you free!
I have spoken so it is written,
and therefore so it shall it be!”
FADE OUT:
128


128
Fade into a montage of marching armies, finally facing each other.
HOREMHEB and SUPPILULIUMA dismount and clash, fighting to the death.
PENEEB TOE (VO)
“The Hittite king, Suppiluliuma,
leading his soldiers, as they march
to a drumbeat under the desert morning’s heat,
ready to do battle, the moment that they meet.
The king wields his battleaxe, with 250 men
bearing bow and arrow, dagger and spear,
yelling curses out loud, showing no fear.

Horemheb’s in his chariot brandishing
a bronze fused copper spear.
Two sheathed daggers on his hips,
and blood curdling curses on his lips.
The two armies charge closing the gap
and stopping twenty feet apart.
Trumpeters on both sides blaring
as both kings dismount, swearing
walking to within feet of each other.

First to speak Hormeheb yells out
greetings to you, king SUPPILULIUMA!
Don’t you agree it’s a fine day
to celebrate your well-deserved death!
I’m here to bear witness, as you take
your last and dying breath!

SUPPILULIUMA begins running toward HOREMHEB,
his battleaxe pitched high above his head.
HOREMHEB parries the blow, the fight begins.
With neither of them feeling any dread!

Horemheb’s killing experiences
prove him to be the better man.
Maneuvering Suppiluliuma
to his chariot, as deftly as he can.”

Thrusting back and forth with his sword
HOREMHEB forces him into position,
then he leapt up high on his chariot,
aiming his spear without contrition.

From his chariot in one bold motion
he bounced from his horse above the king.
And as he descended HOREMHEB’s spear
struck the surprised king in abstract fear!

His spear jammed through his head and face
pinning him in the sand devoid of grace.
Dead on the spot and in a standing position
the king’s body was bent in final perdition.
129


129
PENEEB TOE (VO)
HOREMHEB’S men begin cheering, shouting victory,
as he raises his arms in triumph to the sky.
Suddenly, two men emerge from the Hittite ranks,
obviously deciding not to comply.

One carrying a recurve bow, and banging his chest,
as he moves forward apart from all the rest.
Hold on there HOREMHEB he yelled, I am PIYASSILI,
eldest son of the good and great king
SUPPILULIUMA the first, you’ve not yet won anything!

Then the second man added, I too am son
to king SUPPILULIUMA. My name is TELIPPINU!
Your fight is not yet won!

PIYASSILI then yelled, we demand the right
to challenge you to fight to the death
The other son TELIPPINU chimed in yelling,
together or separately with our dying breath!

Both men knocked arrows, lifting their bows to aim.
Quickly with his right hand, HOREMHEB throws the dagger
from his left hip, and then with his left hand,
throws the dagger from his right hip, just as planned!

Both daggers thud simultaneously into the bodies
of SUPPILULIUMA’S sons, killing them instantly.
As they fall, HOREMHEB leaps on his lead horse,
and rides facing the enemy without remorse.

Addressing them he say, hear me clearly
warriors of the dead SUPPILULIUMA.
I, HOREMHEB, Egypt’s true and living god,
offer safe return to your families
and protection from further calamaties.

HOREMHEB then adds, ahhhaa, but only if you’re fast enough
to outrun the arrows headed your way.
or stand your ground and know,
this is your dying day!
At his signal many thousands of arrows are shot
into the now darkened sky.”

Hordes of Egyptian warriors then appeared
at the top of the valley gorge.
Ten thousand men, five thousand on either side,
moving into bow range, full of new winning pride!

DISSOLVE
130


130
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Drama","Action"]

Summary After his coronation, Horemheb fends off accusations of murder from the Hittite king Suppiluliuma. Horemheb's victory in a subsequent duel solidifies his position as pharaoh.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • High stakes
  • Well-developed characters
Weaknesses
  • Limited character depth for the Hittite king Suppiluliuma

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, action, and a significant turning point in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a decisive battle between two powerful rulers is well-executed and adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot is intense and gripping, with the conflict escalating to a climactic battle that resolves a major conflict.

Originality: 9

The scene showcases original situations and fresh approaches to historical events, blending elements of romance, intrigue, and warfare. The authenticity of characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Horemheb and Suppiluliuma are well-developed and their actions drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

Horemheb undergoes a significant transformation as he faces off against his enemies and emerges victorious.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to solidify his power as the new pharaoh and assert his dominance over his enemies. This reflects his desire for control, respect, and legacy.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to defend his honor and reputation against accusations of murder and challenge from the Hittite king. This reflects the immediate threat to his rule and the need to maintain his authority.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Horemheb and Suppiluliuma reaches a peak in this scene, leading to a decisive battle.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple challenges to his authority and reputation. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome and the protagonist's choices.

High Stakes: 10

The high stakes of life and death in the battle between Horemheb and Suppiluliuma create a sense of urgency and importance.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by resolving a major conflict and setting the stage for future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected challenges and twists that the protagonist faces, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between honor, power, and justice. Horemheb must navigate the moral implications of his actions as a ruler and warrior.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The intense and dramatic nature of the scene evokes strong emotions in the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and serves to heighten the tension between the characters during the confrontation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of historical detail, emotional intensity, and high stakes. The conflicts and resolutions keep the audience invested in the protagonist's journey.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of slower, introspective moments and fast-paced action sequences. The rhythm contributes to the tension and emotional impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue formatting. It is visually engaging and easy to follow.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for historical drama, with a clear progression of events, rising tension, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from a court of inquiry to Horemheb's bed chamber, which can be disorienting for the audience.
  • The dialogue feels a bit forced and lacks natural flow, especially in the courtroom scene where Horemheb pronounces the sentence.
  • The introduction of the Hittite messenger and the challenge from Suppiluliuma feels rushed and could benefit from more build-up and tension.
  • The resolution of the battle between Horemheb and Suppiluliuma's sons feels too convenient and lacks emotional impact.
  • The scene contains a lot of exposition and narration, which can make it feel more like a summary than a dynamic and engaging scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual elements and descriptive details to create a vivid and immersive setting for each location.
  • Work on developing more natural and engaging dialogue that reflects the characters' emotions and motivations.
  • Build up the tension and stakes in the confrontation with the Hittite messenger to create a more dramatic and impactful moment.
  • Explore deeper emotional conflicts and character development to make the resolution of the battle more meaningful and satisfying.
  • Focus on creating a more dynamic and visually engaging scene by balancing exposition with action and character interaction.



Scene 38 -  Mutnodjmet's Wrath and Their Fatal Anniversary
INT. QUEEN MUTNODJMET’S BED CHAMBER. DAY

Fade into MUTNODJMET’S chamber. HOREMHEB enters closing the door.

HOREMHEB
(Annoyed)
“Mutnodjmet! What’s so important
that you dare to call me away
from the best tomb artists in the land?
What’s so pressing that you need to say?”

Tabling his sword and double dagger belt, he turns to face MUTNODJMET.

MUTNODJMET
“MY lord husband, I just received information
you might find unusual, maybe even curious.
If I had failed to inform you about this,
I fear it would make you doubly furious!”

HOREMHEB
“OK, you have a captive audience.
only for a moment wife, speak to me!
I’m in a hurry as you can plainly see
I seriously doubt if we will ever agree.”

MUTNODJMET
“My spies say that Akhenaten,
the pharaoh you banished years ago,
has grown a long white beard
and taken the name of Moses.
apparently he’s reappeared…”

HOREMHEB
“...why should I care about him?
He’s long been dead to me!
Apparently, the gods granted him long life.
But I don’t care about him, don’t you see?

HOREMHEB picks up his weapons and turns, heading to the door.
MUTNODJMET
“Wait Horemheb, I apologize to you!
The real reason I called you here
was primarily to protect my honor
and hopefully to dispel my fear!”
(HOREMHEB stops, turning back to her.)
HOREMHEB
“OK, what’s happened to you now?
Have you been done some injustice,
of which you so richly deserve
what dishonor did you observe?”
131


131
MUTNODJMET
“Regrettably, your vizier has dared
put his hands upon my person.
I want it stopped here and now
before his advances start to worsen...!”
HOREMHEB
(Laughing)
“...you do not fool me, Mutnodjmet!
I’ve known about you and Paramesse,
he always had my complete approval.
you’re nothing but a childless queen,
a whore worthy of quick removal.

You are but an unfeeling receptacle,
and no mate for a god like me!
You have failed to give me a son
and you live in impropriety.”

MUTNODJMET
“How would you know my husband,
when you spend most of your time
there in the men’s quarters,
where you wallow in the slime!”

HOREMHEB is visibly angered, restraining himself heads toward the door.

MUTNODJMET CON’T
“Please wait, Horemheb!
Once again, I humbly apologize!
Stay just one moment longer.
I take back all the lies.

There is a matter of life and death,
that I must share with you!
Give me one moment more
please husband, hear me through!
He turns to leave again. MUTNODJMET calls out.
“Do you know what day this is?”
HOREMHEB
“WIFE! I HAVE NO TIME FOR GAMES…”
MUTNODJMET

“...this is no games, my loving husband.
today’s our anniversary!
We’re wed seventeen years to the day,
the same length as your glorious rule,
and the real reason I asked you to stay...”
(HOREMHEB is surprised. His mouth agape.)
132


132
HOREMHEB
“...ah hah, so it is my aging queen,
time flies in the face of such merriment.
How do you suppose we celebrate
in the face of such disparagement?”

MUTNODJMET goes to the table where there’s a flagon of wine and two
gold glasses decorated with precious jewels.

MUTNODJMET
“Come, my sweet husband, let us share
a glass of your most favorite wine,
with your one and only favorite wife,
let’s toast, extending our happy life.”

HOREMHEB
“Is the wine honeyed?
You know that’s what I prefer.
I will accept a single toast
if we both agree to concur?”
MUTNODJMET
“Of course, the wine’s from
your favorite vineyard,
and delivered only two hours ago.
It’s been so long since we toasted,
let us drink it very slow.”

She pours wine into the glasses. HOREMHEB watches, knowingly.
MUTNODJMET raises her glass to toast.
MUTNODJMET CON’T
“For all the miserable, intolerable,
bleak moments of our marriage and…”

HOREMHEB grabs her glass, replacing it with his.

HOREMHEB
“...drink from my glass first!
I don’t want you to feel coerced!”

MUTNODJMET doesn’t react, casually taking a drink from his glass. After
wiping her lips she returns the glass to the table. HOREMHEB seeing
that she’s okay takes the same glass.
HOREMHEB
“Here’s to you my darling wife
for 17 long, and boring years.
Did you ever love me while
you tripled your affairs?”
(HOREMHEB pauses to take a drink.)
133


133
HOREMHEB CON’T

“The only reason I stayed with you
was because you’re Nefertiti’s sister.
Marrying you brought me into pharonic line,
and reminds me how often I have kissed her...”
(MUTNODJMET begins sputtering.)
MUTNODJMET
“...happy anniversary my hus...”
White foam bubbles burst from her mouth. The glass drops from her hand
as she falls to the floor, convulsing. After a few moments she stops
moving. HOREMHEB’S aghast! The realization of what’s happening dawns on
him; he turns to stare at his empty glass.
HOREMHEB
“This, this cannot be?
What is happening to me?
I will not die feeling this odd
the people know I am their god...”

HOREMHEB’S mouth bubbles white foam. He convulses and falls to the
floor next to MUTNODJMET’S body.
DISSOLVE
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Drama","Tragedy"]

Summary A tense scene unfolds as Queen Mutnodjmet informs her husband, the Pharaoh Horemheb, about the return of their long-lost enemy Akhenaten, now known as Moses. She further unveils the unwelcome advances made by Horemheb's vizier. As they attempt to celebrate their wedding anniversary, a tragic twist occurs. Both Mutnodjmet and Horemheb consume poisoned wine, leading to their untimely demise. This moment of desperation serves as the catalyst for a chain of events that will shape Egypt's future.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Emotional impact
  • Tragic resolution
Weaknesses
  • Lack of resolution for other plotlines
  • Limited character development for secondary characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, emotional, and impactful, with a tragic ending that leaves a lasting impression on the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a poisoned anniversary leading to the death of both characters is unique and adds a layer of tragedy to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot is driven by the tense interaction between Horemheb and Mutnodjmet, culminating in a shocking and tragic event.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on historical figures and events, blending elements of drama, betrayal, and mystery. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Horemheb and Mutnodjmet are well-developed and their complex relationship adds depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Both characters undergo a significant change as they face the consequences of their actions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect her honor and dispel her fear of being dishonored by her husband. This reflects her desire for respect, validation, and security in her marriage.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to inform her husband about a potential threat from his vizier and to celebrate their anniversary. This reflects the immediate circumstances of betrayal and marital tension.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Horemheb and Mutnodjmet reaches a boiling point, leading to a tragic resolution.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals, power struggles, and betrayal that create obstacles for the protagonist and drive the conflict forward.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the scene leads to the death of both main characters, impacting the future events of the story.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by resolving the conflict between Horemheb and Mutnodjmet in a tragic way.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden betrayal, shocking revelations, and tragic outcome that defy audience expectations.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is evident in the power dynamics between the husband and wife, their differing views on marriage, honor, and loyalty. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about her worth and her husband's perception of her.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of tension, sadness, and shock.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is tense, confrontational, and emotionally charged, effectively conveying the deep-seated issues between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflicts, unexpected plot twists, and dramatic dialogue that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension, reveals information gradually, and culminates in a shocking climax that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character dialogue, and action sequences.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dramatic confrontation, building tension, revealing secrets, and culminating in a shocking twist.


Critique
  • The scene lacks subtlety and nuance in its dialogue, with characters speaking in a very direct and on-the-nose manner, making the interactions feel forced and unnatural.
  • The character of Horemheb comes across as one-dimensional and unsympathetic, lacking depth and complexity in his interactions with Mutnodjmet.
  • The dialogue between Horemheb and Mutnodjmet feels contrived and melodramatic, with little emotional authenticity or depth to the characters' relationship.
  • The scene's pacing is uneven, with abrupt shifts in tone and emotion that make it difficult for the audience to fully engage with the characters and their motivations.
  • The resolution of the scene, with both characters dying from poisoned wine, feels predictable and lacks a sense of surprise or intrigue.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtext and layers to the dialogue, allowing the characters to communicate their emotions and intentions in a more nuanced and subtle way.
  • Develop the character of Horemheb further, giving him more depth and complexity to make his interactions with Mutnodjmet more compelling and believable.
  • Focus on creating a more realistic and authentic dynamic between Horemheb and Mutnodjmet, exploring the complexities of their relationship and the underlying tensions between them.
  • Work on improving the pacing of the scene, allowing for more gradual build-up of tension and emotion to create a more engaging and impactful narrative.
  • Consider revising the resolution of the scene to add a twist or unexpected element that will surprise and captivate the audience, making the conclusion more memorable and satisfying.



Scene 39 -  Rick's Awakening
INT. PRESENT TIME. DR LORIS’S OFFICE. DAY
134


134

We’re back to present time. RICK KNIGHT’S still in a trance with his
eyes closed, lying on DR. LORIS’S lounge chair as she sits nearby.
DR. LORIS
(In a soft and authoritative tone)

“Now, it’s time to for you to awaken.
I want you to count from one to five.
When you awaken you’ll feel rested,
wide awake, and fully revived.

One, you sense you’ve been in a deep sleep.
Two; you’re beginning to feel alert.
Three; your body starts to move again…”

RICK’S eyes abruptly open, darting back and forth. He’s still in Egypt.

RICK
(Slowly and pensively)
“...I’m lying here on a granite slab.
Next to me are two bald priests
with golden hawk breastplates
with masks that show Egyptian beasts.

One’s pushing something into my nose,
twisting and pulling so very hard.
It’s a long spike, bloodied with gray material,
which they indiscriminately discard.
How can this be happening to me?
I think I'm being embalmed!
My brain’s being removed in pieces,
but I can’t move, or even respond.

RICK’S eyes squeeze shut. Opening them, he’s back with DR. LORIS. He
blinks coming to his senses.

What day is it? What’s the present time?
My mind’s a little confused,
and I’m still feeling nauseous
like I’ve just been abused.”
DR. LORIS
“It’s Saturday afternoon, August 7th 1967.
I regressed you back to an earlier time
and as my subject you did just fine!”

RICK
“Regressed? why didn’t you say in advance.
How long have i been in a trance?”

DR. LORIS
“Two hours and ten minutes, to be exact.
and here you are back intact”
135


135
RICK
“In those two hours, I lived a lifetime!
I remember now, especially where I’ve been.
I also remember you hypnotizing me,
that’s when I experienced another reality.

I lived the life of the man called Horemheb,
a vicious man of great moral strength.
He lived a long life without any fear,
as king, pharaoh, and god without peer!”
DISSOLVE
136


136
Genres: ["Historical Fiction","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Rick emerges from a trance induced by Dr. Loris, revealing his experience as Horemheb in ancient Egypt through regression therapy. Dr. Loris confirms that Rick spent over two hours in the trance, leaving him in a state of confusion and amazement.
Strengths
  • Unique concept
  • Emotional impact
  • Intriguing blend of genres
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Potential confusion for the audience due to the complex narrative structure

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, with a unique concept and strong emotional impact. The blend of genres and the revelation of past life memories add depth to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of past life regression and the exploration of a character's memories from ancient Egypt is innovative and intriguing. It adds a layer of mystery and depth to the narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot is complex and multi-layered, with elements of mystery and suspense. The revelation of Horemheb's past life memories and the connection to present events adds depth to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique blend of hypnosis, past life regression, and ancient Egyptian imagery, offering a fresh approach to the theme of self-discovery. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Horemheb/Rick and Dr. Loris, are well-developed and engaging. Their interactions and the exploration of past memories add depth to their personalities.

Character Changes: 7

The character of Rick/Horemheb undergoes a significant change as he relives his past life memories and grapples with the implications of his experiences. This adds depth to his character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

Rick Knight's internal goal in this scene is to understand and process the memories and experiences he had while under hypnosis. This reflects his deeper need for self-discovery and understanding of his past lives or experiences.

External Goal: 7

Rick Knight's external goal in this scene is to come to terms with the reality of his hypnosis session and the memories he experienced. This reflects the immediate challenge of reconciling his present life with his past life as Horemheb.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a conflict between past and present, reality and memory, as well as internal conflicts within the character of Horemheb/Rick. This adds tension and intrigue to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from Rick's internal struggle to reconcile his past life memories with his present reality, creating a sense of conflict and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the character Rick/Horemheb grapples with traumatic memories from his past life and tries to make sense of his experiences. The revelation of past events has significant implications for the present.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the character's past and setting up future conflicts and revelations. It adds depth to the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected memories and experiences Rick has under hypnosis, keeping the audience intrigued and unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the juxtaposition of past lives and present reality. This challenges Rick's beliefs about the nature of existence and the possibility of reincarnation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of confusion, shock, fear, and sadness, especially as the character Rick/Horemheb relives traumatic memories from ancient Egypt.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and serves to reveal the inner thoughts and emotions of the characters. It adds to the mysterious and emotional tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mysterious and introspective atmosphere, the revelation of past life memories, and the emotional depth of the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, allowing for moments of reflection and revelation to unfold naturally.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a hypnosis session in a screenplay, with clear dialogue and character actions that advance the plot.


Critique
  • The transition between Rick's trance in ancient Egypt and his awakening in Dr. Loris's office could be smoother to avoid confusion for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Rick and Dr. Loris feels a bit forced and expository, lacking a natural flow in conversation.
  • The description of Rick's experience as Horemheb could be more vivid and immersive to truly transport the audience into that ancient world.
  • The scene could benefit from more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere and make the audience feel more connected to Rick's journey.
  • The revelation of Rick's realization about living a lifetime as Horemheb could be more impactful with a stronger emotional build-up.
Suggestions
  • Consider using visual cues or sound effects to signify the transitions between Rick's trance and reality for a more seamless experience.
  • Work on refining the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging, focusing on character interactions and emotional depth.
  • Enhance the descriptions of Rick's experiences as Horemheb by incorporating more historical and cultural details to enrich the storytelling.
  • Add in more sensory elements such as sights, sounds, and smells to fully immerse the audience in the ancient Egyptian setting.
  • Build up the revelation of Rick's memories as Horemheb gradually throughout the scene to create a more impactful and emotional moment.



Scene 40 -  Academy Award Nomination
INT. SELENE’S AND RICK’S APARTMENT. DAY

It’s one year later, and the twins are now four years old. Its morning;
SELENE and RICK are feeding the twins in their high chairs, and eating
their own breakfast at the same time.

SELENE
“I tell you Rick, it took long enough
I’m glad you’re feeling back to snuff.
Taking care of the twins, this past year
hasn’t been easy, as it might appear.”

RICK
“I know, it’s been kinda tough
with the kids now being four.
It took a year to feel normal again.
Thank god no dreams of Egypt, anymore.

Getting back editing really saved my life,
I couldn’t have done it without you.
You’re a great and wonderful m o t h e r ,
and our children know it too.

Finishing editing the documentary was great
and Harry sending us to the Virgin Islands
with a free vacation, us not paying a cent,
made that experience one happy event!

Jodi and Jeffrey are none the worse,
they’re growing up so quickly,
although I think I heard Jodi curse...”

Suddenly the house phone rings, interrupting their conversation.
RICK
“...hello...
BILL
“...hey Rick, it’s Bill Mackleby...

RICK
“Hey Billy Bob, what’s happening?”

BILL
“Didn’t I tell you, long ago,
we’d work magic as a team?
Well, that time has arrived,
this is not another dream!”

RICK
“Yeah, OK, so what does that mean?
Gotta get back to my twins,
it’s our scheduled feeding routine!”

BILL
“I want you to sit for this one...”
137


137
RICK
“...common Bill, lay it on me now,
we’re in the middle of breakfast,
and we’re feeding both the kids.
did you want me to make other bids?”

BILL
“No, it’s nothing like that.
OK, are you ready? This is really heady!
We’re nominated for an Academy Award
for best documentary!”
RICK
(Pausing, shocked)
“Tell me is it true?
Really? Are you serious?
I just felt a pang in my heart,
now I'm feeling delirious!”
BILL
“You betcha, this is the big one!
We have to be in Los Angeles
this April, the very first week.
Get ready, boychik,
I’m gonna kiss your cheek?

This year the awards were postponed
from April eighth until the tenth,
observing M L K ’s assassination.
this could be our emancipation!

My agency will pick up all of the expenses.
they’re also thrilled, ain’t no pretenses!
How’d’ya like them apples?
DISSOLVE
138


138
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary A year after the events of the previous scene, Rick and Selene are feeding their now four-year-old twins breakfast when they receive a phone call from Bill Mackleby. Bill informs Rick that their documentary has been nominated for an Academy Award and that they need to be in Los Angeles in April for the ceremony. Rick is shocked and overjoyed by the news.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Surprising plot twist
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant conflict
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written, engaging, and successfully conveys a range of emotions. The dialogue is natural and flows well, and the unexpected news of the Academy Award nomination adds a layer of excitement and anticipation.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of balancing family life with career success and the unexpected news of an Academy Award nomination is compelling and engaging. It adds depth to the characters and the overall story.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around the unexpected news of the Academy Award nomination and the characters' reactions to it. It moves the story forward by introducing a new and exciting development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and unexpected twist with the Academy Award nomination, adding a layer of excitement and tension to the family dynamic. The authenticity of the characters' dialogue and reactions enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic. The scene showcases their relationships and personalities effectively.

Character Changes: 5

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters' reactions to the news reveal more about their personalities and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to balance his personal and professional life, as well as to navigate the unexpected news of the Academy Award nomination. This reflects his desire for success in his career while also being a present and supportive father.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to process and respond to the news of the Academy Award nomination and make arrangements for the upcoming event. This reflects the immediate challenge of balancing his family responsibilities with his professional success.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict in the scene is minimal, focusing more on the characters' reactions to the news rather than any significant internal or external conflicts.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the protagonist must navigate conflicting priorities and make difficult decisions in response to the unexpected news.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively high in terms of career success and recognition, as the characters are faced with the opportunity to win an Academy Award.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new and exciting development - the Academy Award nomination. It sets the stage for future events and adds depth to the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a surprising and exciting plot twist with the Academy Award nomination, keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's internal struggle between his personal life and professional ambitions. The sudden news of the Academy Award nomination forces him to confront his priorities and make difficult decisions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including excitement, gratitude, and joy. The unexpected news of the Academy Award nomination adds an emotional impact to the scene.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is engaging, natural, and reflects the characters' emotions and personalities. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the overall storytelling.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines everyday family interactions with a high-stakes plot development, creating tension and emotional depth.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, leading to a climactic moment with the news of the Academy Award nomination.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting that enhances readability and flow.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, balancing dialogue and action to convey the protagonist's internal and external goals effectively.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Selene and Rick feels a bit forced and unnatural, lacking in depth and authenticity.
  • The transition from their conversation about their children to the phone call from Bill Mackleby feels abrupt and disjointed.
  • The emotional impact of the news about the Academy Award nomination could be heightened with more nuanced reactions from Rick and Selene.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and sensory details that could enhance the reader's immersion in the moment.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved by balancing the dialogue with more action or internal thoughts from the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtext and emotional layers to the dialogue between Selene and Rick to make it more engaging and realistic.
  • Smooth out the transition between the family moment and the phone call to create a more seamless flow of events.
  • Explore the characters' internal thoughts and feelings in response to the news of the Academy Award nomination to add depth and complexity to their reactions.
  • Incorporate visual descriptions of the setting, characters' expressions, and actions to create a more vivid and immersive scene.
  • Experiment with varying the pacing of the scene by interspersing dialogue with moments of silence, reflection, or physical gestures to create a more dynamic and engaging interaction.



Scene 41 -  Academy Award for Best Documentary Feature
INT. AUDITORIUM. DAY

The Santa Monica Civic Auditorium. It’s packed with many celebrities;
women dressed in costly designer originals and men in formal attire.
People sit at tables drinking champagne and eating hors d’oeuvres.
Present are ABU EL FARID and his wife, ASERE, BILL MACKLEBY, HARRY
GRABAS, CARL SWALTER, JOE TORINO and his wife HOLLY, plus RICK,
SELENE, and the twins, JEFFREY and JODI. JOY SEVERO, and SHANI.
The ceremony has been on for an hour, awards have already been given
for best screenplay, best technical achievement, best adapted
screenplay, and best technical achievement in sound. The band stops
playing as BOB HOPFELL, the emcee, makes an announcement.

BOB
“The nominees for best documentary
feature are “The War Games,”
producer; Cyrus Bharucha
for Bollywood Productions.

A brief clip of the film is shown, loud applause ends it.

The second nominee is
“Horemheb, Eighteenth Dynasty Pharaoh.”
producer; Bill Mackleby
for the Transworld Advertising Agency.

Another brief clip is shown, applause closes it.

The third and final nominee is
“Mongol Horde,” the life of Genghis Khan,
producer: Akim Chertoff, for Exotic Films Incorporated.

Another brief clip plays, and loud applause closes it.
BOB opens the envelope, after a brief pause, announcing.
And the Oscar goes to...
“Horemheb, Eighteenth Dynasty Pharaoh,”
producer; Bill Mackleby
for the Transworld Advertising Agency.

The applause is deafening. RICK, ABU, JOE, BILL, HARRY, and CARL walk up
to the stage as BOB hands the microphone to BILL.
BILL
“Wow! This is so thrilling!
I want to thank the Academy
for its clarity in choice perfection,
voting for our humble selection!
(The audience laughs)
139


139

BILL CON’T
From the cockles of my heart,
I’d like to thank Abu el Farid
and the Egyptian Ministry of Tourism.”
ABU
“Thank you, America, and thank you
Bill Mackleby and your agency; Transworld.
And a special thanks to Richard Knight,
our incredible editor, for showing us the light.”
(Abu hands the microphone to Rick).
RICK
“Thank you, Abu, for giving me
this once in a lifetime opportunity
to edit this historical documentary.
and to Bill Mackleby, who, thank god,
eventually assigned it all to me.

You have fulfilled my lifelong dream,
oh, I also thank the Academy,
my wonderful wife Selene, my twins,
Jeffrey and Jodi, and Harry and Carl my partners,
and Joe Torino, our patient and understanding director.”

RICK lifts the Oscar up high as the team leaves the stage. There’s
continuous applause as the screen fades out.
140


140
Genres: ["Drama","Historical"]

Summary At the 41st Academy Awards, 'Horemheb, Eighteenth Dynasty Pharaoh' wins the Oscar for Best Documentary Feature. Producers Rick, Abu, Joe, Bill, Harry, and Carl accept the award, expressing gratitude to the Academy, their team, and their families.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Emotional impact
  • Gratitude and celebration
Weaknesses
  • Minimal conflict
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, emotionally impactful, and well-executed, with a mix of tones that keep the audience entertained and invested.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of winning an Academy Award for a historical documentary is unique and compelling, adding a layer of prestige and achievement to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot revolves around the announcement and acceptance of the Oscar win, showcasing the characters' reactions and speeches, which are pivotal in celebrating their success.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh setting and situation, with a unique focus on an awards ceremony within the film industry. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, each with distinct personalities and roles in the scene, contributing to the overall success and emotional impact of the moment.

Character Changes: 3

While there is not significant character development in this scene, the characters' emotions and reactions showcase their growth and success in achieving their goal.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is likely to feel validated and appreciated for their work on the documentary. This reflects their desire for recognition and success in their field.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to win the Oscar for best documentary feature. This reflects the immediate challenge of competing against other nominees and achieving industry recognition.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 2

There is minimal conflict in the scene, as it focuses more on celebration and achievement rather than tension or drama.

Opposition: 5

The opposition in this scene is minimal, as the protagonist ultimately achieves their goal of winning the Oscar. However, the competition with other nominees adds some level of opposition.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on celebration and recognition rather than intense conflict or risk.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by showcasing the characters' achievement and success in winning the Oscar, setting the stage for future developments and opportunities.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat predictable in its outcome, as the protagonist ultimately wins the Oscar. However, the emotional speeches and character interactions add depth and interest.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the desire for recognition and success in the film industry and the humility and gratitude expressed by the characters. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about fame and achievement.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of joy, gratitude, and pride, resonating with the audience and creating a memorable and heartwarming moment.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging, heartfelt, and humorous, reflecting the characters' emotions and gratitude during their acceptance speeches.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it captures the excitement and tension of an awards ceremony, with well-developed characters and emotional speeches.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and excitement as the Oscar winner is announced and the characters deliver their speeches.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for an awards ceremony scene, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for an awards ceremony scene in a screenplay, with clear descriptions of the setting, characters, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus on the emotions and reactions of the characters during the award announcement and acceptance.
  • The dialogue feels a bit cliched and lacks depth, especially in the acceptance speeches.
  • There is a lack of tension or conflict in the scene, making it feel flat and unengaging.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere of the awards ceremony.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved to create more excitement and anticipation leading up to the announcement of the winner.
Suggestions
  • Add more internal monologue or reactions from the characters to convey their emotions and thoughts during the ceremony.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more authentic and meaningful, focusing on the characters' personal connections to the documentary and the award.
  • Introduce a minor conflict or obstacle for the characters to overcome during the ceremony to add depth and tension to the scene.
  • Include more sensory details and visual cues to immerse the reader in the setting of the awards ceremony.
  • Consider restructuring the scene to build suspense and anticipation leading up to the announcement of the winner, creating a more dynamic and engaging narrative.



Scene 42 -  Betrayal and Forgiveness
EXT. BEVERLY HILL BUNGALOW. DAY

Fade in to RICK and SELENE in bathing suits nearing the door to their
bungalow. They’re both tipsy, supporting each other. SELENE laughingly
fumbles for the room key.
RICK
“Honey, please let me do it!
I’m not as drunk as you are.
You could pass out sooner than me
so you better give me the key!”

SELENE
(Pulling away, insisting)
“No no, I know I can do this!
I bet you’d let me for one kiss?”

They teeter, entering a room that occupies half the stage from center
stage to the right. RICK pushes SELENE against the wall, kissing her.
Suddenly, a sound from inside alerts them, they turn finding SHANI.
SELENE
“Shani! What are you doing here?
You just gave me a terrible scare!”

(Dumbfounded, Rick stares at Shani.)

RICK
“This is our bungalow Shani, are you lost?”

(Shani sits, slowly answering)

SHANI
“I don’t know what to say.
I apologize, I’m so ashamed.
I thought this was my bungalow
none of these doors are even named...”

SELENE
“...I don’t believe you Shani!
What were you trying to steal?
Tell us the truth, why are you here?
Stealing my clothes for you to wear?”

SHANI
“No, no, Selene, I wasn’t stealing anything!”

(Shani’s caught, and she knows it.)

SHANI CON’T

“I just didn’t realize the time;
you’re never back this early.
I thought you’d be in the pool
and the kids napping in the school...”
141


141

SELENE
“...stop the bullshit, Shani!
What were you looking for?
Our suitcases in the closet,
or was it something more?…”

RICK
“...you’re caught Shani, tell the truth!
What are you doing in here, alone?
Didn’t you think we’d ever return,
or why didn’t you call on the phone?”
SHANI
(Resolutely)
“I’m in love with you Rick!”

(SELENE and RICK are silent for a long moment.)

RICK
“No, that’s not possible!
I haven’t been anywhere near you.
We were finished, and I told you so!
I never encouraged you, you had to know...”

SHANI
“...that never stopped me
from loving you, Rick!
I was willing to do anything
and I had to do it quick.

I hid a love letter in Selene’s suitcase,
and a shirt with lipstick into yours,
knowing your wife would find it,
and throw you out, because…”

SELENE
“...you bitch!”
(SELENE moves toward her. RICK stops her.)
RICK
“This does it! You’re finished
with me and my company too.
You’re fired when we get back to New York!
Don’t you bother to ever come by, because
I’d have you arrested in the blink of an eye!

Now, get out of here, stay away from us!
I don’t want to see your face anymore.
I’m changing your flight to another day,
this is more than I ever bargained for.”

Slowly, SHANI gets up and leaves. RICK and SELENE sobered now hug.
142


142


SELENE
“This time I know for sure
you’re not the one to blame.
You’ve become the perfect husband,
and you deserve this newfound fame.

Yes, I love you very much.
But will I ever see you now,
with all the new business you’ll have,
I have to wonder how?
Will you move into your editing room?
Is that something i should assume?”
RICK
“No! I promise you’ll see more of me,
I’ll only edit the special jobs.
I’m bound to have more free time, I swear,
I will prove to you, how much I care!”

RICK removes the suitcases from the closet placing them on the bed as
they begin packing for the trip home. SELENE goes into the bathroom,
while RICK packing dress shirts, an object shows through in one of the
pockets. It’s a small statue. He picks it up, studying it.
RICK CON’T
“Hey Selene, thanks for the gift!”

(From inside the bathroom, Selene calls out.)
SELENE
“What gift?”

She exits the bathroom, looks at it, shaking her head no.

“Nope, never saw it before…”

RICK
“...you didn’t put this in my suitcase?”
SELENE
“I said no! Its Egyptian, isn’t it?
I think Shani must have put it there!
Who else would have been that aware?”

RICK
(Nodding in agreement)
“You’re probably right, it is Egyptian,
it’s a carving of an Egyptian god.
It seems familiar, but I’m not sure,
I’ve seen it somewhere else, before…”


Screen slowly fades out and slowly fades in:
143


143

The bubbling, bulbous clouds.
PENEEB TOE
“Hello again, dear patrons of the arts
this is the end of our show.
We certainly hope you enjoyed it
by your applause we all will know.

Please tell all your friends
to come and see this play.
It will provide discussion
and maybe something smart to say.

Whether you believe in past lives or not
historical research tells the truth.
We have filled in all the empty places
with some personal memory traces
and fiction to fill in the other bases.

Good night to you, one and all,
come see us again and soon.
Share the love of this musical play
your past life isn’t far away…”

THE END
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Rick and Selene confront Shani at their Beverly Hills bungalow, where she confesses her love for Rick and admits to trying to sabotage their relationship. After a tense confrontation, Rick fires Shani and Selene forgives him for the misunderstanding. They discover an Egyptian statue in Rick's suitcase, suspecting Shani placed it there, as they reconcile and prepare to leave, still puzzled by the situation.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Effective portrayal of betrayal
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Slightly predictable resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, emotionally charged, and impactful. It effectively conveys the themes of love and betrayal, keeping the audience invested in the characters' conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of betrayal and its consequences is well-executed in the scene. It adds depth to the characters and drives the narrative forward.

Plot: 8

The plot is driven by the revelation of betrayal and the characters' reactions to it. It creates tension and conflict, leading to a significant turning point in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on love triangles and betrayal, with unexpected revelations and complex character dynamics. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' emotions and motivations are well-developed in the scene. Their reactions to betrayal feel authentic and add layers to their personalities.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional changes in response to the betrayal. Their relationships and dynamics are altered, leading to character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain his marriage and reputation while dealing with the unexpected confession of love from Shani. This reflects his desire for stability and loyalty in his relationships.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to confront Shani about her actions and protect his marriage from her interference. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a betrayal and maintaining trust.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters is intense and emotionally charged. The revelation of betrayal creates a high-stakes situation that drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and motivations driving the characters' actions. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the tension.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene due to the betrayal and its impact on the characters' relationships. The consequences of the revelation add tension and drama.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing a crucial betrayal and its consequences. It sets the stage for further developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected confession of love, the revelation of betrayal, and the dramatic confrontation between the characters. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between loyalty and betrayal, honesty and deception. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about love, trust, and integrity in relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly feelings of betrayal, anger, and regret. The characters' reactions are raw and impactful.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and drives the conflict forward. It captures the intensity of the situation and adds depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, unexpected twists, and high stakes. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and motivations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of emotions and revelations. The rhythm of the dialogue adds to the scene's intensity.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a dramatic confrontation, with clear dialogue tags and scene descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional dramatic structure, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a light-hearted and playful tone between Rick and Selene, but quickly takes a dramatic turn with the unexpected appearance of Shani.
  • The dialogue between the characters feels a bit forced and unnatural at times, especially in the confrontation with Shani.
  • The revelation of Shani's feelings for Rick and her manipulative actions could be developed more subtly to create a deeper impact.
  • The resolution of Shani's confession and Rick's reaction feels rushed and lacks emotional depth, considering the gravity of the situation.
  • The transition from the confrontation with Shani to the reconciliation between Rick and Selene feels abrupt and could be smoother.
Suggestions
  • Consider building up the tension and conflict between the characters more gradually to create a more impactful and emotionally resonant scene.
  • Work on making the dialogue more natural and reflective of each character's personality and emotions in the moment.
  • Explore Shani's character and motivations further to add complexity and depth to her actions and feelings for Rick.
  • Allow for more space and time for the emotional resolution between Rick and Selene to feel authentic and satisfying.
  • Consider refining the pacing and transitions in the scene to ensure a smoother flow of events and emotions.