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Scene 1 -  Desperate Businessman and Clandestine Arrival
EXT. CHICAGO SKYLINE - SUNRISE
SUPER: “CHICAGO”

INT. CORNER OFFICE - DAY
A BUSINESSMAN (70), ruffled expensive suit, stares out
across the city. Hasn’t slept in days.
Sitting in the shadows is DALTON WOODS. Cool. Collected.
Oozing Confidence. OUR HERO.
There’s something about him we love right away. A charming
arrogance.
The Businessman takes a long drag from his cigarette, his
fingers trembling.
BUSINESSMAN
You know what’s riding on this?
DALTON
I’m not usually called unless it’s
everything.
BUSINESSMAN
You’re my last hope. If you fail, they
might as well put a bullet in my head.
Hell I’ll just do it myself.
DALTON
It won’t come to that -- I promise.

EXT. SANTIAGO AIRPORT - DAY
SUPER: “SANTIAGO CHILE”

INT. SANTIAGO AIRPORT - DAY
Dalton walks towards camera carrying a SILVER BRIEFCASE.
Modest suit. Dark sunglasses.
BUSINESSMAN (V.O.)
Promises have been made before.
DALTON (V.O.)
Well I keep mine.
BUSINESSMAN (V.O.)
Won’t be easy.
2.


DALTON (V.O.)
I don’t get paid for easy.
He approaches airport security, which has metal detectors
for both departing and arriving passengers.
GREEN LIGHT. He’s good to go. He smiles at the SECURITY
GUARD.
DALTON
Buenos Dias.
The Security Guard checks Dalton’s passport. It has his
alias, JOE RUBEN, on it.
SECURITY GUARD
Buenos Dias Senor Ruben.
Dalton exits and we MOVE TO FIND ARMANDO “MR. CLEAN”
PULITO, six-five, shaved head, lifeless black “doll” eyes,
watching Dalton’s every move. Dalton senses him. He spins
back, but MR. CLEAN is gone.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary The scene opens with a tense businessman in Chicago, who places high stakes on Dalton Woods, our calm and confident hero. Simultaneously, in Santiago Airport, Dalton, undercover as Joe Ruben, senses he's being watched by Armando 'Mr. Clean' Pulito, but Mr. Clean disappears before Dalton can approach. The scene concludes with Dalton leaving the airport and Mr. Clean observing from afar, foreshadowing future challenges.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Strong character introduction
  • Tension and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the main conflict and establishes the tone of the story. The dialogue is engaging, and the introduction of the main character is intriguing.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-stakes mission with a confident and mysterious protagonist is compelling. The international setting adds depth to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, introducing the main conflict and setting up the challenges the characters will face. The scene moves the story forward effectively.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces familiar elements of espionage and high-stakes deals but adds a fresh perspective through the character dynamics and atmospheric descriptions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, with the Businessman conveying desperation and Dalton exuding confidence and charm. The introduction of Mr. Clean adds an element of mystery.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, the introduction of Dalton and the Businessman sets the stage for potential growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Dalton's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his cool and confident demeanor while facing high stakes and potential danger. This reflects his need for control, fear of failure, and desire to prove himself capable.

External Goal: 7

Dalton's external goal is to successfully complete a high-stakes mission involving the silver briefcase, which reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing in the world of espionage and intrigue.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the Businessman's desperation and Dalton's confidence creates tension in the scene. The presence of Mr. Clean adds a layer of mystery and potential danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the Businessman's desperation and Mr. Clean's ominous presence creating obstacles for Dalton. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with the Businessman's life on the line and the potential consequences of failure looming. This adds urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing the main conflict, establishing the characters, and setting up the challenges they will face.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics, hidden agendas, and mysterious characters. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the characters' true intentions and the outcome of the mission.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of trust, promises, and the consequences of failure. The Businessman's desperation contrasts with Dalton's confidence and reliability, challenging their beliefs about loyalty and integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of anxiety and suspense, drawing the audience into the high-stakes situation. The characters' emotions are palpable.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp and engaging, revealing the personalities of the characters and setting up the tension in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, dynamic characters, and suspenseful atmosphere. The dialogue and action keep the audience invested in the outcome, creating tension and intrigue.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character descriptions, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines enhance the readability and visual impact of the scene.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a thriller genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness, building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a familiar establishing shot of the Chicago skyline. While it effectively sets the location, it doesn't provide any unique or engaging visual element to captivate the audience's attention.
  • The dialogue between the Businessman and Dalton is functional in establishing the gravity of the situation and Dalton's confidence, but it lacks depth and emotional connection.
  • The transition to Santiago Airport in Chile is abrupt and lacks a smooth visual flow. The use of a supertitle to indicate the location is a bit jarring and could be more elegantly integrated into the scene.
  • The introduction of Dalton at the airport is somewhat generic and doesn't offer much insight into his character or motivations. The mention of his alias, Joe Ruben, and the interaction with the security guard feel like standard exposition without much impact.
  • The introduction of Mr. Clean as a mysterious observer is intriguing, but the execution feels a bit forced. His presence is detected by Dalton, but there's no clear indication of how or why he's watching Dalton specifically.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Mr. Clean disappearing, leaving the audience with a sense of unresolved tension and a lack of closure to this introductory encounter.
Suggestions
  • Consider opening the scene with a more visually striking and unique establishing shot that captures the essence of Chicago and sets the tone for the story.
  • Explore ways to develop the dialogue between the Businessman and Dalton to reveal more about their characters, their motivations, and the stakes involved.
  • Smooth the transition to Santiago Airport by using a visual bridge or incorporating the supertitle into the scene more seamlessly.
  • Enhance Dalton's introduction at the airport by adding a brief character-defining moment or interaction that establishes his skills, personality, or backstory.
  • Consider expanding on the encounter with Mr. Clean, providing clearer motivations for his actions and building tension more effectively through his interactions with Dalton.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying conclusion by resolving the encounter with Mr. Clean in a way that leaves a lasting impact and sets up future developments.



Scene 2 -  Dalton's Fruit Farm Visit and Slip-Ups
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
MR. CLEAN’S POV through BINOCULARS watching an OLD JEEP
rattles its way through the winding jungle road. Dalton is
in the passenger seat, the silver briefcase close to his
side.

EXT. FRUIT FARM - DAY
The jeep skids to a stop in front of what could be a camp.
A small rundown FRUIT FARM in the middle of nowhere.
Dalton slowly lowers his sunglasses, revealing a cold
steely gaze. Game-face time. He steps out of the jeep.
Smooths out the suit, his hair, his whole vibe.

INT. FARM HOUSE - DAY
Dalton sits at a small wooden table in the middle of the
room, surrounded by a half dozen men.
Sitting across from him is HECTOR GARCIA, 50’s. Big nasty
scar running down the right side of his face and through
his eye, which is covered with a PATCH.
HECTOR
Senor Ruben, we meet again. Did you bring
the cash?
DALTON
Did you bring the merchandise?
3.


Hector grips the LARGE KNIFE sheathed on his hip.
HECTOR
Just as we discussed.
DALTON
You know I need to see it.
A tense beat. Hector stares through him, doesn’t like his
honor being questioned.
HECTOR
Joe -- you don’t trust an old friend?
DALTON
Trust is liability in our line of work.
You of all people should know that --
friend.
And then Hector laughs. A BIG DEEP BELLY LAUGH.
HECTOR
Every time with this guy. So serious.
Show him the goods.
One of HECTOR’S MEN lifts a large wooden crate off the
floor and slams it onto the table. Hector smacks him with
the back of his hand.
HECTOR
Easy!
Then he PULLS THE KNIFE from his hip and snaps the blade
toward Dalton. Dalton freezes. Their eyes lock.
HECTOR
Go ahead -- open it.
He spins the knife’s handle to Dalton -- SMILES. Dalton
takes it, breathing a little sigh of relief.
Hector’s men move in closer. Dalton carefully pries open
the top of the crate. Whatever is inside, he doesn’t want
it disturbed. He turns to Hector’s MEN.
DALTON
The windows.
Hector’s men hurry to close all of the blinds on the
windows. Dalton gently opens the crate to reveal a large
round-
NECTARINE. Dalton lifts it up, gazes at it, eyes wide, a
kid on Christmas morning. Hector is pleased with himself.
HECTOR
Little something I’ve been working on.
Arctic snow, August red hybrid.
(MORE)
4.

HECTOR (CONT’D)
White pulp, deep red skin. Delicious and
one of a kind.
DALTON
You do not disappoint.
HECTOR
Well... I try.
DALTON
And my company gets the exclusive rights
to the entire harvest?
HECTOR
If the price is right.
DALTON
Hector... the price is always right.
Dalton slaps his briefcase onto the table and flips it
open to reveal that it is stuffed with CASH.
HECTOR
So it is. You can pick up the first
shipment this afternoon at the market.
DALTON
This afternoon then.
They shake. Dalton turns and heads towards the door
smiling, pleased with himself. He takes one step outside,
slips on the mud and FACE PLANTS into the ground. WHOOMPH!
Maybe we hear something crack.
DRIVER
Senor?
The Driver races over to help.
DALTON
(wind knocked out of him)
I’m OK.
(coughs)
I’m OK.
The Driver reaches down to help Dalton up but Dalton waves
him off. He struggles to get on his feet.
DALTON
I got it. I got it.
He gets himself up, wipes the mud off his face and suit.
Collects himself, trying to play it off -- that wasn’t so
bad -- takes another step and PHOOMP!
His feet fly out from under him, launching him straight
up, flailing mid-air, landing off-camera with a LOUD WET
THUD.
5.


DALTON (O.C.)
OK, that hurt a little.
Hector shakes his head. Mumbles.
HECTOR
Gringo...
The Driver helps Dalton up and back into the jeep.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary In a daytime scene set in a rundown fruit farm in the jungle, businessmen Dalton and Hector discuss a deal for a new type of nectarine. While Mr. Clean observes from a distance, Dalton expresses suspicion about the product, but is reassured by Hector. However, Dalton's clumsy falls in the mud due to the slippery terrain cause some amusement and frustration, momentarily disrupting the negotiations. The scene ends with Dalton getting back into the jeep, while Hector and his men watch and chuckle.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of action and humor
  • Tense and engaging dialogue
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Some cliched elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends action, humor, and suspense to create an engaging and entertaining sequence.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-stakes business deal in a jungle setting with unexpected twists and turns is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with clear objectives, obstacles, and a satisfying resolution.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on a typical business deal scenario by incorporating physical comedy and unexpected twists.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are distinct and engaging, with Hector and Dalton showcasing contrasting personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

Dalton's quick thinking and adaptability are showcased as he navigates the unexpected challenges during the deal.

Internal Goal: 8

Dalton's internal goal is to maintain control and assert dominance in the business deal, reflecting his need for power and success.

External Goal: 7

Dalton's external goal is to secure the exclusive rights to the fruit harvest, reflecting his immediate challenge of negotiating with Hector.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with tension and conflict, both verbal and physical, keeping the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Hector challenging Dalton's authority and trustworthiness.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the business deal, combined with the physical danger and personal threats, raise the tension and keep the audience invested.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by establishing the stakes, introducing key characters, and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected physical comedy and twists in the business deal negotiation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between trust and betrayal, as Dalton emphasizes the lack of trust in their line of work, while Hector questions his loyalty as a friend.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

While there are moments of tension and humor, the emotional impact is not the primary focus of the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, revealing character dynamics and advancing the plot effectively.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging due to its blend of suspense, humor, and unexpected twists that keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a satisfying resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events.


Critique
  • The scene starts with an establishing shot of the jungle and then cuts to Dalton's POV through binoculars. This is a bit confusing, as it's not clear why Dalton is watching the jungle or what he's looking for.
  • The dialogue between Dalton and Hector is a bit stilted and unnatural.
  • The scene lacks tension and conflict. There's no real sense of danger or urgency, and the stakes of the situation aren't clear.
  • The scene ends with Dalton slipping on the mud and falling twice. This is a bit of a cheap way to create conflict, and it doesn't really add anything to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a shot of Dalton and Hector sitting at the table, negotiating the deal. This will help to establish the stakes of the situation and create a sense of tension.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Dalton and Hector to make it more natural and believable.
  • Add some conflict to the scene. For example, you could have Dalton and Hector disagree on the price of the nectarines, or you could have one of Hector's men try to attack Dalton.
  • Cut the ending of the scene where Dalton slips on the mud and falls twice. This is a bit of a cheap way to create conflict, and it doesn't really add anything to the scene.



Scene 3 -  Dalton's Chaotic Market Encounter and Mr. Clean's Surveillance
EXT. SOUTH AMERICAN JUNGLE - DAY
MR. CLEAN’S POV through BINOCULARS watching the Driver
help Dalton up and into the jeep.
Dalton’s face is smeared in mud. He tries to wipe it off.
It only makes it worse. He slips stepping into the jeep
and ends up falling into the passenger seat.
Mr. Clean shakes his head. Moves.

EXT. SANTIAGO CHILE/ MARKET - DAY
A crowded FARMER’S MARKET in the center of town.
We see Dalton, cleaned up, bumping and weaving his way
through the sea of customers, stopping at several stands
along the way.
Dalton has a large canvas shopping bag slung over his
shoulder. He bumps into an OLD MAN pushing a vending cart.
Dumps the cart, the contents fly everywhere.
DALTON
I am so sorry.
OLD MAN
Reloj donde usted va!
Dalton scrambles to help the Old Man pick everything up,
fumbling all over himself and the Old Man as he does.
Dalton turns and continues through the crowded market. He
stops at one of the stands. Knows the owner.
DALTON
Miguel!
MIGUEL
Senor Ruben! So nice to see you.
(big smile)
I have something for you.
Miguel reaches under the table, pulls out a small paper
bag and hands it to Dalton.
6.


MIGUEL
Picked fresh this morning.
Dalton peeks inside -- Pleased.
MIGUEL
Just what you need, yes?
DALTON
It should do the trick.
Dalton looks around, moves on. He stumbles through the
crowd, bumping in people, carts and horses as he struggles
to find his way out.
Dalton backs up and TRIPS OVER a SMALL DOG, falls into one
of the stands, which topples over into the next stand,
which topples over into the next stand, creating a domino
effect of chaos as vendors, shoppers and animals scatter
for cover.
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE MARKET-
MR. CLEAN has been watching Dalton’s every stumble. Shakes
his head as he pulls out his cell-phone. There’s a list of
men and women with photos to match on the phone’s screen.
Mr. Clean deletes Dalton off the list and dials.
MR. CLEAN
It’s me. Ruben is Definitely not our guy.
It’s a go.
BACK TO DALTON.
Dalton hops up onto his feet, pleased with his charade,
and slips away to the end of the market. Looks around to
see if anyone followed him. ALL CLEAR.
Something changes behind his eyes, a sudden look of
confidence washes over him. His whole body language is
different.
He pulls out his IPHONE. There’s a Map display on the
screen with a BLINKING LIGHT in the middle. HIS TARGET.
He studies the map and the alleys that surround him,
getting his bearings. He checks his watch.
CLOSE ON HIS WATCH. It’s almost noon straight up.
MATCH CUT TO:
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a crowded Santiago market, a muddy Dalton, observed by Mr. Clean through binoculars, bumps into people and overturns a vending cart. He meets Miguel and receives a small paper bag, then trips over a dog, causing a chain reaction of falling market stands. Mr. Clean deletes Dalton from his list, indicating he's not the target. The scene ends with Dalton checking his watch and studying a map on his iPhone.
Strengths
  • Blend of action, comedy, and mystery
  • Engaging character dynamics
  • Intriguing setup for future conflicts
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more impactful
  • Character changes are subtle

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends action, comedy, and mystery to create an engaging and entertaining sequence. The chaotic events and the introduction of Mr. Clean add depth to the storyline.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Dalton being watched while navigating through a crowded market adds intrigue and sets up future conflicts. The introduction of Mr. Clean as a mysterious figure raises questions and builds tension.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Dalton moves closer to his target while being observed by Mr. Clean. The chaotic events in the market add a layer of complexity to the storyline.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a spy thriller genre by incorporating physical comedy and a chaotic setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Dalton and Mr. Clean are well-developed in this scene, with Dalton's clumsiness and Mr. Clean's mysterious presence adding depth to their personalities.

Character Changes: 5

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, Dalton's confidence and demeanor shift towards the end, hinting at potential growth or development.

Internal Goal: 8

Dalton's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his cover and gather information on his target. This reflects his deeper need for success and survival in his mission.

External Goal: 7

Dalton's external goal is to blend in with the crowd and avoid suspicion while navigating the market. This reflects the immediate challenge of staying undercover and gathering intel.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily driven by the presence of Mr. Clean and the chaotic events that unfold in the market.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create obstacles for Dalton, adding suspense and uncertainty to his mission.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate in this scene, with the potential threat of Mr. Clean's surveillance and Dalton's mission at the market. The outcome of these events could have consequences for the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new elements, advancing the plot, and setting up future conflicts. Dalton's progress towards his target adds momentum to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected physical comedy and chaotic events that unfold, keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between Dalton's deception and Mr. Clean's surveillance. This challenges Dalton's values of honesty and integrity in the face of his mission.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, including amusement, curiosity, and a hint of anxiety. The chaotic events and the mysterious presence of Mr. Clean contribute to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene is functional, serving to move the plot forward and reveal character traits. It could be more engaging and impactful.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the fast-paced action, humor, and suspenseful elements that keep the audience invested in Dalton's mission.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action and dialogue that keeps the momentum going and builds tension effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a spy thriller genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose and direction. It's unclear what Dalton is trying to achieve and why he is behaving in such a clumsy manner.
  • The dialogue is weak and uninformative. It doesn't reveal anything about the characters or their motivations.
  • The action is disjointed and lacks flow. The transitions between different parts of the scene are abrupt and confusing.
  • The pacing is too slow. The scene drags on without any real sense of urgency or excitement.
  • The character of Mr. Clean is underdeveloped and uninteresting. He doesn't have any clear motivations or goals.
  • The use of the map app on Dalton's phone is unnecessary and doesn't add anything to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Give Dalton a clear goal and motivation for his actions. Perhaps he is trying to gather information or track down a target.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and informative. Give the characters distinct voices and motivations.
  • Smooth out the transitions between different parts of the scene. Use establishing shots and other cinematic techniques to help the audience follow the action.
  • Increase the pace of the scene by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action. Keep the audience engaged and on the edge of their seats.
  • Develop the character of Mr. Clean. Give him a clear motivation for watching Dalton and make him more of a threat.
  • Remove the use of the map app on Dalton's phone. It's unnecessary and doesn't add anything to the scene.



Scene 4 -  Dalton Fights Off Goons and Rescues a Woman; Mr. Clean Orders a Hit
EXT. MARKET - DAY
CLOSE ON ANOTHER WATCH.
7.


WIDER to reveal MR. CLEAN checking the time. He looks up.
Sees a MAN approaching, looks nervous, disheveled, out of
place. He’s carrying a black leather bag.
The Man scurries up to MR. CLEAN, knowing he’s running out
of time as he hands him the bag but-
CLICK. Noon straight up. Mr. Clean opens the bag, full of
cash.
MR. CLEAN
Just in time. She’s a free woman.
Pleasure doing business with you.
The Man smiles as he bends over and takes a deep breath,
winded but relieved. When he stands up, MR. CLEAN is gone.
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE MARKET. MR. CLEAN is talking on
his phone.
MR. CLEAN
I got the money. Kill her.

EXT. ALLEY - DAY
Dalton reaches the door he’s looking for. Takes a good
look around. All Clear.
He reaches into his canvas bag and slides out a SIG SAUER
P22. He screws a SIX INCH SUPPRESSOR onto the barrel.
Snaps back the slide. Chambers a round. Good to go.
He pulls a coil of ASTROLITE explosive from the bag and
quickly wraps it around the handle. Sticks in the
detonator and arms it as he rolls back against the wall.
BOOM! The door handle SHATTERS, kicking the door open in a
cloud of smoke.

INT. ROOM - DAY
Dalton rolls into the room, the SIG held high and crisp.
TWO GOONS go for their guns.
POP, POP! Dalton launches them against the wall with a
single shot each to the chest.
There’s a WOMAN tied to a chair in the middle of the room.
She SCREAMS through the rag tied around her mouth.
Dalton hears someone else coming, spins his back to the
wall as the BACK DOOR KICKS OPEN.
A HUGE GOON storms in, his back to Dalton.
8.


Dalton raises his gun to fire but the Huge Goon spins
around and grabs the gun, CRUSHING it with his bare hand.
DALTON
That’s not good.
He throws a punch at Dalton’s head, his hand as big as a
bowling ball. Dalton bobs out of the way as the man’s hand
punches through the wall next to Dalton’s head.
His hand is stuck in the wall just long enough for Dalton
to get two punches into the man’s gut and a quick upper
thrust elbow to his chin. CRACK! Dalton sends him to the
floor.
Dalton moves quickly. SNAPPING A KNIFE from his waistband,
he slices the ropes around the Woman’s wrists, freeing
her. She pulls the rag off her mouth.
WOMAN
Thank you.
DALTON
Don’t thank me yet.
They race out through the back door and into the
stairwell. Dalton pulls out a SMALL REMOTE from his pocket
and hits a BUTTON.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary In this tense and action-packed scene, Mr. Clean arranges a hit over the phone, while Dalton reaches his target location and takes out two goons. Dalton frees a woman who expresses gratitude to him, and fights and defeats a huge goon. The scene ends with Dalton and the woman escaping through a back door and into a stairwell, where Dalton detonates something with a remote.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Well-developed plot
  • Engaging characters
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is well-executed with a good balance of action, suspense, and character development. The pacing is fast-paced, keeping the audience engaged throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a rescue mission involving a skilled protagonist facing off against formidable opponents is engaging and well-developed.

Plot: 9

The plot is gripping, with a clear objective of rescuing the woman and escalating tension through action-packed sequences.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the action genre with unique character dynamics and unexpected plot twists. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, with the protagonist displaying resourcefulness and skill, while the antagonists are menacing and formidable.

Character Changes: 7

The protagonist undergoes a transformation from a cautious observer to a decisive action-taker, showcasing his growth and determination.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to save the woman tied to the chair and complete his mission successfully. This reflects his desire to do the right thing and protect innocent people.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to eliminate the threat and rescue the woman. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high, with intense physical confrontations and a sense of danger looming over the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing formidable challenges and obstacles that create suspense and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high, with the life of the woman hanging in the balance and the protagonist facing formidable adversaries.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by resolving a crucial plot point and setting up new challenges for the protagonist.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the plot, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's sense of justice and the criminal activities he is involved in. It challenges his beliefs and values as he navigates the dangerous situation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes emotions of tension, relief, and gratitude, especially during the rescue of the woman.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is effective in conveying the urgency and tension of the situation, but could be more impactful in certain moments.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and suspenseful atmosphere that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear descriptions and action lines that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, building tension and suspense through well-paced action sequences and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene is lacking a clear focus and direction. It starts with Mr. Clean receiving a bag of cash and arranging a hit, then quickly jumps to Dalton reaching his target location, taking out two goons, freeing a woman, and fighting a huge goon. The transitions between these events feel abrupt and disjointed, making it difficult for the reader to follow the flow of the story.
  • The dialogue is minimal and does not provide much insight into the characters or their motivations. Dalton's line, "That's not good," is particularly weak and does not convey the urgency or danger of the situation.
  • The action sequences are described in a very basic and formulaic way, lacking any sense of tension or excitement. For example, Dalton's fight with the huge goon is described as "His hand is stuck in the wall just long enough for Dalton to get two punches into the man's gut and a quick upper thrust elbow to his chin. CRACK! Dalton sends him to the floor."
  • The scene ends abruptly with Dalton and the woman escaping through the back door and Dalton detonating something with a remote. The reader is left with more questions than answers, such as what was detonated and why, and what happens next.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a clear focus on what Dalton is trying to achieve, such as rescuing the woman or taking out the goons. This will help to give the scene a sense of purpose and direction.
  • Develop the characters more by giving them distinct personalities and motivations. This will make the reader more invested in their journey and care about what happens to them.
  • Rewrite the action sequences to be more vivid and exciting. Use strong verbs and descriptive language to create a sense of tension and urgency. For example, instead of "Dalton sends him to the floor," you could write "Dalton sends him crashing to the floor with a thunderous thud."
  • Add more dialogue to the scene to give the characters a voice and reveal their thoughts and feelings. This will also help to create a more natural and engaging flow of the story.
  • End the scene with a cliffhanger or a twist that leaves the reader wanting more. This will keep them engaged and eager to find out what happens next.



Scene 5 -  Dalton's Sacrifice: A Hero's Farewell
EXT. MARKET - DAY
The BLACK LEATHER BAG in Mr. Clean’s hand bursts into
flames -- all that money going up in smoke with it. He
throws it to the ground and tries to stomp out the flames.
Doesn’t work.

EXT. ROOFTOP - DAY
We see the crowded marketplace below. Dalton and the Woman
burst out onto the roof.
WOMAN
I thought I was dead for sure.
DALTON
Another five minutes and you would have
been.
They race across the rooftop. Dalton checks his watch.
WOMAN
But my husband was paying the ransom.
DALTON
The insurance company was paying the
ransom -- your husband was collecting it.
9.


WOMAN
What?
DALTON
I’m sorry.
WOMAN
My husband kidnapped me?
DALTON
He owes the wrong people a lot of money.
WOMAN
Sunnuvabitch!
DALTON
Your father hired me.
WOMAN
You’re a mercenary?
DALTON
A hero for hire. I only work for the good
guys.
WOMAN
And you’re sure about that?
DALTON
I trust my gut. Hasn’t got the wrong
people hurt yet.
WOMAN
But you do kill people?
DALTON
Is this how you treat everyone who saves
your life?
WOMAN
Only the cute ones.
He stops, turns back to her -- smiles. Extends his hand.
DALTON
Joe Ruben, hopelessly available.
WOMAN
Tara Williams. Soon to be divorced.
DALTON
Now don’t let this discourage you. The
right guy is out there.
And suddenly the ROOFTOP STARTS TO SHRED AND EXPLODE all
around them in a HAIL OF BULLETS.
10.


TWO GOONS on the far end of the roof. MACHINE GUNS slung
over their shoulders.
Dalton grabs Tara’s hand and pulls her across the roof.
The Goons race after them.

BULLETS WHIZ BY THEIR HEADS.
TARA
And I was sure I found him, but when your
“Mr. Right” has you kidnapped at
gunpoint, locked away in a rat infested
basement of a warehouse in South America
and is ready to have you killed after he
collects the ransom money -- I think it’s
time to start seeing other people.

A GOON pops up behind Dalton in a FIGHTING STANCE. He
takes a swing at Dalton’s head. Dalton ducks into a
sweeping back kick, launching the Goon onto his back.
DALTON
You’re growing from this experience.
That’s good. It’s healthy. You are so
strong.
(blurts out)
I think I love you.

Another THUG leaps down from a higher roof and lands on
Dalton’s back. With lightning reflexes Dalton flips the
Thug over his shoulder and slams him onto the roof.
TARA
You’re kidding right?
DALTON
Too soon?

Dalton pushes Tara to the side as THWANG! A LARGE KNIFE
buries itself into the wall next to Tara’s head.
TARA
Little...
In one fluid move Dalton yanks the knife from the wall and
flings it at their ASSAILANT, hitting him dead center in
the groin. He buckles over in extreme pain.
Dalton looks at his watch. Looks around. Impatient.
DALTON
Come on. Come on...
DALTON’S POV as they scramble towards the edge of the
roof. There’s a ten foot gap between buildings. They’re
going to have to jump for it.
11.


A HELICOPTER swoops down to the roof-line blocking their
path.
DALTON
Perfect.
TWO MEN, BLACK TACTICAL JUMP SUITS, sit in the doorway of
the helicopter, feet on the skids, MP5’s in their hands.
DALTON
One.
The TAC SUITS take aim.
DALTON
Two.
Their fingers tighten around the triggers.
DALTON
Three.
Dalton pulls Tara down onto the roof and shields her with
his body as the Tac Suits OPEN FIRE and kill the two GOONS
chasing Dalton and Tara. Dalton hops up onto his feet and
helps Tara up.
DALTON
Ready to go home to Chicago?
TARA
And leave all this?
He helps her onto the parapet and into the helicopter. But
just as he’s about to climb in-
The parapet beneath his feet is SHREDDED BY GUNFIRE.
He loses his footing. Falls between the helicopter skid
and the building.
One hand on the skid. One hand on the roof. And that’s
when he sees him.
A THIRD GOON raising a BAZOOKA to his shoulder and taking
aim on the copter.
They have to get Tara to safety. They know it. Dalton
knows it. He knew it when he signed on.
DALTON
Go!
TARA
No!
DALTON
I’ll call you!
12.


Dalton lets go of the skid, the helicopter soars off. A
TAC SUIT in the copter tosses A SIG SAUER down to Dalton
and in one move Dalton grabs the SIG, swings towards the
building and FIRES-
PHOOMP, PHOOMP!
HITTING THE GOON dead center in the chest, launching him
back onto the roof -- DEAD.
Dalton lets go of the parapet, drops onto the AWNING
below, bounces off, flips into the air and nails a perfect
ten landing with acrobatic ease.
He sees an old MOTORCYCLE TRIKE, with a large basket on
the back, packed with clean laundry ready to be delivered,
leaning against the wall of the small laundry shop up
ahead.
Dalton runs. He leaps. He lands on the motorcycle and kick
starts it in one move. Peels out of the alley.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary On a rooftop during the day, a bag of money carried by Mr. Clean bursts into flames, and Dalton, a mercenary hired by Tara's father, discovers that Tara's husband paid the ransom. As goons arrive, Dalton and Tara engage in a shootout, and Dalton sacrifices himself to ensure Tara's safety. The scene ends with Tara leaving on a helicopter as the rooftop shootout concludes.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Balanced tone of tension and humor
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched action tropes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a perfect balance of action, humor, and suspense. The fast-paced nature keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a daring rooftop escape in the midst of gunfire is executed with precision, showcasing the protagonist's resourcefulness and quick thinking.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly in this scene as the protagonist navigates through intense obstacles to protect the woman he rescued. The high-stakes situation keeps the audience invested.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as the protagonist's unconventional job as a 'hero for hire' and the unexpected twists in the plot. The dialogue and character interactions feel authentic and fresh.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Dalton and Tara, show depth and development through their interactions and reactions to the dangerous situation. Their banter adds a layer of complexity to their relationship.

Character Changes: 7

Both Dalton and Tara undergo subtle changes in their perceptions of each other and their own situations, deepening their character arcs and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect the woman he is with and navigate the dangerous situation they are in. This reflects his deeper desire to do the right thing and save lives.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to escape the rooftop and the gunmen chasing them. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the danger they are in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is intense and constant, with the protagonist facing multiple adversaries and obstacles in quick succession. The high level of conflict drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with gunmen chasing the protagonist and the woman, creating a sense of danger and uncertainty for the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes are evident in the life-threatening situations the characters face, adding urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward significantly, introducing new challenges and revelations that will impact the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turns in the plot, such as the revelation about the woman's husband and the sudden appearance of gunmen on the rooftop.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's moral code as a 'hero for hire' and the woman's realization about her husband's true nature. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about who he works for and the consequences of his actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions from tension to amusement, keeping the audience emotionally engaged throughout the intense action sequences.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals insights into the characters' personalities. It enhances the tension and adds a touch of humor to the intense action sequences.

Engagement: 10

This scene is engaging because of its high-stakes action, witty dialogue, and unexpected plot twists. The tension and humor keep the audience hooked.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and description that keeps the momentum going and builds suspense effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear action descriptions and dialogue formatting. It is easy to follow and visualize.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre of action thriller, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The opening lines of the scene are effective in creating a sense of urgency and danger, with the black leather bag bursting into flames and Mr. Clean desperately trying to put out the fire.
  • The dialogue between Dalton and Tara is well-written and believable, with both characters expressing their thoughts and feelings in a natural way. The banter between them is also effective in creating a sense of chemistry between the two characters.
  • The fight scene on the rooftop is well-choreographed and exciting, with Dalton skillfully taking out his opponents. The use of the environment, such as the knife being embedded in the wall, adds to the realism of the scene.
  • The scene ends with Dalton sacrificing himself to save Tara, which is a powerful and emotional moment. The use of the Sig Sauer to take out the goon is a clever and unexpected way to resolve the conflict.
  • Overall, this is a well-written and exciting scene that does a good job of developing the characters and advancing the plot.
Suggestions
  • One suggestion would be to add more description to the setting. For example, what does the market look like? What kind of people are there? This would help to create a more immersive experience for the reader.
  • Another suggestion would be to add more depth to the characters. For example, what are their motivations? What are their backstories? This would help to make the characters more relatable and engaging.
  • Finally, it would be helpful to add more tension to the scene. For example, could there be more obstacles that Dalton and Tara have to overcome? Could there be a greater sense of urgency or danger? This would help to keep the reader on the edge of their seat.



Scene 6 -  Aftermath and Escape: A Tense Day for Mr. Clean and Dalton
INT. ROOM - DAY
MR. CLEAN steps in. Sees the HUGE GOON unconscious on the
floor. The two other Goons slumped against the wall, dead.
The empty chair that Tara was tied to.
He tries to remain calm but he explodes, throwing the
chair across the room, shattering it. He takes a deep
breath, collects himself and exits.

EXT. VILLAGE STREETS - DAY
We see the market in the background as Dalton screeches
out from the alley and roars towards us.
We also see the JEEP that’s accelerating towards Dalton.
And then we see the two ARMED GOONS standing up in the
back seat, guns raised and ready to OPEN FIRE.
Bullets kick up dirt and dust all around Dalton. No hits.
He swerves around a corner and heads into the jungle.

EXT. JUNGLE ROAD - DAY
Dalton pulls out his I-phone and dials.
DALTON
Toulouse! Looks like it’s plan B.
A bullet shatters the back fender of the motorcycle.
Dalton swerves.
13.


DALTON
Lucy, do you think I come on too strong
with women?

INT. AIRPLANE - DAY
TOULOUSE HOLLIDAY sits in the pilot seat. Early 40’s with
a raspy, smoky Louisiana Creole voice.
TOULOUSE
With what?
DALTON
With women. Do I come on too strong?
TOULOUSE
You’re one of the highest paid, most
sought after, most envied, covert
operatives in the world. Coming on strong
is what you do.

EXT. JUNGLE ROAD - DAY
Dalton keeps his right hand on the throttle and his left
scrolling through APPS on his I-PHONE.
The jeep is gaining on him.
DALTON
Do you think it’s holding me back from
meeting the right woman?
TOULOUSE
Am I talking to Dalton Woods?
DALTON
You’re my best friend, who else would I
talk to about this?
TOULOUSE
I’m just questioning the timing of the
conversation, not the conversation
itself.
(beat)
OK, maybe I’m questioning the
conversation.
A bullet rips through Dalton’s shoulder.
DALTON
Ahhh!
TOULOUSE
You OK?
14.


DALTON
I’m guess I’m a little lonely.
TOULOUSE
I mean are YOU OK? That sounded like
gunshots.
DALTON
Just a flesh wound. Shoulder.
Spark hits all over the storage basket on the back of the
trike. He finds the app he’s looking for.
DALTON
There we go. Hey listen we’re gonna’ have
to finish this in person. It’s time to
reach out and touch someone.
TOULOUSE
See you when I see you.
Dalton quickly taps in the code on his I-PHONE, hits
ACTIVATE and throws the phone back towards the jeep.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary In a room, Mr. Clean finds Tara and two other men unconscious or dead, reacting with anger. Meanwhile, Dalton is involved in a high-speed chase and shootout with armed goons on a jungle road. Wounded, he calls his friend Toulouse, expressing his loneliness and insecurity around women. The scene ends with Dalton activating an app on his phone and presumably escaping from his pursuers.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Dynamic character interactions
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development for secondary characters
  • Some cliched action tropes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines action, suspense, and character development, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a thrilling chase scene with a personal touch through the phone conversation adds depth and complexity to the action.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Dalton evades the goons and reaches out for help, showcasing his resourcefulness and determination.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the action genre by incorporating introspective moments and character development amidst the high-stakes chase.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, especially Dalton and Toulouse, show depth and camaraderie, enhancing the emotional connection with the audience.

Character Changes: 6

While Dalton doesn't undergo significant change in this scene, his bond with Toulouse is reinforced, setting the stage for potential growth in their relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to question his approach to relationships and his loneliness. This reflects his deeper need for connection and companionship.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to evade the armed goons chasing him and reach safety. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The high-stakes chase and the threat of danger from the armed goons create intense conflict, driving the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing armed goons and physical danger.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the chase, with armed goons in pursuit and Dalton's injury, heighten the tension and danger in the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward as Dalton takes action to evade the goons and seek help, leading to the next phase of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected moments of introspection and character development amidst the action.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's approach to relationships and his priorities as a covert operative. It challenges his beliefs about balancing personal life with professional responsibilities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes feelings of tension, anxiety, and a hint of loneliness, adding emotional depth to the action.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue between Dalton and Toulouse adds humor and insight into their relationship, balancing the tension of the chase.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and high stakes.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension and momentum throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear progression of action and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Mr. Clean reacting to the aftermath of the shootout in the previous scene. His reaction is brief and doesn't provide much insight into his character or motivations.
  • The transition to Dalton's escape from the village is abrupt and feels disjointed from the previous scene.
  • Dalton's phone conversation with Toulouse is unrealistic. He's in a dangerous situation, being chased by armed goons, and yet he's calmly discussing his love life with his friend.
  • The dialogue between Dalton and Toulouse is repetitive and doesn't add much to the scene.
  • The ending of the scene is anticlimactic. Dalton throws his phone at the jeep and activates an app, but we don't see what happens next.
Suggestions
  • Expand on Mr. Clean's reaction to the shootout. Show us what he's thinking and feeling, and how it affects his next actions.
  • Add a transition scene that shows Dalton making his way out of the village and into the jungle.
  • Rewrite Dalton's phone conversation with Toulouse to make it more relevant to the current situation. Have them discuss Dalton's escape plan or the goons that are chasing him.
  • Cut out the repetitive dialogue between Dalton and Toulouse.
  • Revise the ending of the scene to make it more exciting. Show us what happens when Dalton throws his phone at the jeep, and how it affects the goons that are chasing him.



Scene 7 -  Dalton's Daring Escape and Aerial Boarding
INT. JEEP (MOVING) - DAY
The I-phone lands on the lap of the GOON in the passenger
seat, who picks it up -- SMILES.
GOON
Apple. Agradable.
Then he sees the little ANIMATED BOMB on the phone’s
screen with a fuse quickly burning down.
The Goon’s smile vanishes. SHIT.

EXT. JUNGLE ROAD - DAY
BOOM! The JEEP EXPLODES into a HUGE FIREBALL!
A GIANT PIECE OF FLAMING JEEP sails straight towards
camera and right over Dalton’s head. He ducks just in
time.
It lands on the narrow road in front of him. Hill on one
side. Cliff on the other. Not good.
He hits the brakes, skidding to a stop. Looks to turn
around but another jeep quickly approaches and opens fire.
The passenger in the jeep raises and aims a ROCKET
LAUNCHER. Time to go.
15.


Dalton throttles it, trying to get as far away from the
bazooka as he can.
He quickly approaches what’s left of the twisted, burning
jeep in front of him.
The GOON’S finger tightens on the trigger.
HE FIRES! PHOOSH! The ROCKET LAUNCHES out of the bazooka
and right towards Dalton.
But there’s just enough of the burning jeep’s hood left to-
USE IT AS A RAMP. He throttles it and hits the burning
ramp a split second before the rocket does and-
BOOM! The motorcycle launches into the air and sails
through a WALL OF FLAMES.
But there’s a little problem. One of the trike’s back
wheels was BLOWN OFF in the leap. Dalton watches the
FLAMING TIRE sail past him.
Dalton leans his body weight towards the side of the bike
that still has both the front and back tires.
He lands on two wheels, the right side of the bike tipped
up in the air to keep it from digging into the dirt and
wiping out. He lands it.
Dalton turns back to the wall of flames just as the Jeep
comes sailing through it and lands on the road. The chase
is on!
And then Dalton sees THE CLIFF up ahead.
DALTON
Finally.
Then a HUMMER pulls out from a side road and stops at the
edge of the cliff, blocking his path.
DALTON
That’s not helping.
There’s no time to stop and no way out.
Dalton is going to smash into the Hummer. The Jeep is
going to smash into Dalton. This is going to hurt.
And what does Dalton do? HE SMILES. Because our man has a
plan.
He reaches into the LAUNDRY BASKET on the back of the
motorcycle.
Grabs a WHITE BEDSHEET.
16.


Lets go of the handlebars, keeping the bike under control
with his legs.
He’s about to slam into the Hummer. The Jeep is about to
slam into him. He scrambles to grab two corners of the
sheet in each hand, whips it above his head and-
PHOOMP! The sheet fills with air, creating a makeshift
PARACHUTE that-
SUCKS HIM UP AND OFF THE MOTORCYCLE and straight up into
the air as-
The Jeep SMASHES INTO MOTORCYCLE AND THE HUMMER, T-BONING
it, sending them both tumbling over the cliff.
Dalton floats up and over the cliff.
DALTON’S POV of the ground below. Thousands of feet below.
The Jeep and Hummer EXPLODE on impact.
Dalton looks off at the horizon. Sees a SMALL PASSENGER
PLANE heading towards him.
DALTON
Right on time.
He breathes a big sigh of relief.
And that’s when MACHINE GUNFIRE shreds his sheet.
HE FALLS. Flailing his arms like he suddenly has the gift
of flight. But what he’s really doing is trying to get his
jacket off.
He spins and rolls, falling like a rock until-
He rips his jacket off. He kicks his shoes off. He rips
his pants off, revealing what looks like a JUMPSUIT.
The ground rushes towards him. Whatever he’s going to do,
he needs to do it NOW.
In one fluid movement he thrusts his arms out to the side
like a bird and that’s when we realize he’s wearing a-
FLYING WING SUIT.
And the second he spreads out his arms and legs, the suit
catches the wind and lifts him up like a bird.
Now Dalton is soaring along the cliff, bobbing and weaving
over and around each outcropping and straight towards the
PLANE.
TOULOUSE sees him coming and banks into a nose-dive,
allowing Dalton to soar down towards the open jump door of
the plane.
17.


DALTON’S POV As he ZOOMS towards the plane. His speed is
incredible. This is not going to be a smooth landing.
He’s 1000 feet away. 500 feet away. 100 feet away.
He reaches out to grab onto the jump door of the plane.
He’s right on top of the door when-
A CROSS WIND catches him and SLAMS HIM INTO THE PLANE.
He pin-balls off and cartwheels down towards-
THE PROPELLER.
He skims along the side of plane, right past the cockpit
and grabs onto-
THE WING STRUT just in time to keep himself from being
julienned by the propeller.
Dalton looks into the plane.
TOULOUSE smiles and waves to him.
TOULOUSE
Door’s back there buddy!
Dalton’s hands start to slip from the strut.
DALTON
A little help here Lucy!
Toulouse pulls back on the stick, lifting the plane out of
the dive and levelling it out.
Dalton is able to slowly float back along the side of the
plane and into the jump door.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary Dalton's jeep is destroyed by a goon's rocket launcher, but Dalton uses the hood as a ramp to launch his motorcycle over a wall of flames. One wheel is blown off, but Dalton continues on two wheels and uses a bedsheet as a parachute to avoid crashing into a Hummer. After donning a wingsuit, Dalton flies towards a passenger plane and boards it with the help of the pilot, Toulouse.
Strengths
  • High-octane action sequences
  • Creative escape tactics
  • Intense suspense
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Some unrealistic elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with adrenaline-pumping action and suspense, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using unconventional methods like a makeshift parachute and a flying wing suit to escape danger adds a unique and thrilling element to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot is driven by intense action sequences and high stakes, with the protagonist facing multiple obstacles and using creative tactics to overcome them.

Originality: 9

The scene is highly original in its approach to action and suspense. The use of a makeshift parachute and flying wing suit adds a fresh and exciting element to the chase scene. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension and excitement of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially the protagonist Dalton, are portrayed as resourceful, brave, and quick-thinking, adding depth to the action-packed scene.

Character Changes: 7

The protagonist Dalton showcases growth and adaptability as he faces and overcomes multiple challenges in the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to survive the dangerous situation he finds himself in and outsmart his enemies. This reflects his desire for self-preservation and his quick thinking under pressure.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to escape the pursuing enemies and avoid being captured or killed. This goal is directly related to the immediate circumstances and challenges he faces in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with physical and situational conflicts, driving the intense action and suspense.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple obstacles and enemies in his attempt to escape. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how he will overcome the challenges he faces.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high, with the protagonist facing life-threatening situations and risking everything to achieve his goals.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by showcasing the protagonist's skills, resourcefulness, and determination in a high-stakes situation.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the protagonist's escape plan. The use of a makeshift parachute and flying wing suit adds a fresh and surprising element to the action sequence.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's resourcefulness and ability to think on his feet in life-threatening situations. It challenges his beliefs about survival and the lengths he is willing to go to in order to escape danger.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The high-stakes action and danger evoke a sense of adrenaline and tension, creating an emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal but effective in conveying urgency and tension during the action sequences.

Engagement: 10

This scene is engaging because of its high level of action, suspense, and unexpected twists. The fast-paced chase sequence keeps the audience on the edge of their seats and invested in the protagonist's survival.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly handled, with a gradual build-up of tension and action leading to a climactic resolution. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. The visual descriptions and character actions are well-defined and easy to follow.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear setup, escalating action, and a satisfying resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and excitement.


Critique
  • The scene is packed with action and excitement, but it could benefit from some additional context and character development. For example, it's not entirely clear what led to the motorcycle chase or why Dalton is being targeted by the goons.
  • The dialogue could also be improved to make it more natural and engaging. For example, Dalton's line, "Finally," feels a bit out of place after he sees the cliff. A more appropriate line might be, "Here we go," or "I knew this would happen."
  • The scene could also benefit from some additional visual details. For example, the description of the motorcycle chase could be more specific, and the description of the cliff could be more evocative.
  • Overall, the scene is a good start, but it could be improved with some additional work.
Suggestions
  • Add some additional context and character development to help the reader understand the situation and why Dalton is being targeted.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging.
  • Add some additional visual details to help the reader picture the scene.
  • Consider adding a twist or surprise to the scene to keep the reader engaged.



Scene 8 -  Dalton Learns of Toulouse's Engagement and Gets Asked to Be Best Man
INT. PASSENGER PLANE - DAY
Dalton sits next to Toulouse, who’s clearly seen a lot
crazier shit than this.
TOULOUSE
All in all, I’d say that went pretty
well.
Dalton is winded but happy to be alive.
DALTON
Why does it always have to be plan B?
TOULOUSE
Because plan A is boring and we don’t do
boring.
18.


DALTON
Fifteen years. I don’t know how I’d do it
without you.
Toulouse is suddenly quiet.
DALTON
You OK?
TOULOUSE
You kiddin’? Couldn’t be better.
Toulouse banks the plan towards a beautiful sunset.

EXT. SMALL AIPORT - DAY
Dalton and Toulouse walk across the tarmac. Dalton throws
his arm around Toulouse.
DALTON
Whattya’ say? Drinks on me.
Toulouse doesn’t know how to tell him.
TOULOUSE
I -- I can’t.
DALTON
Come on -- it’s tradition. I get into a
jam that leads me to almost certain
death, you help me narrowly escape said
certain death, I buy you drinks to show
you my appreciation, you accept, and then
we wake up three days later on a white
sandy beach somewhere with two of the
most beautiful women either of us have
ever seen.
TOULOUSE
I know but, and don’t get me wrong, I
really appreciate your appreciation of me
but there’s something I need to-
And then we hear a WOMAN screaming from off camera.
MARIA (O.C.)
Lucy!
Dalton turns to find the lovely MARIA -- early 20’s
stunning, way too much energy -- racing passed him into
Toulouse’s arms and giving him a big kiss.
TOULOUSE
Joe, I’d like you to meet Maria Sanchez.
My-
19.


Maria can’t help herself, her left hand explodes towards
Dalton. Huge engagement ring.
MARIA
Fiance!
DALTON
Fiance?
TOULOUSE
It all happened really quick -- but --
when you know you know, right?
DALTON
That’s what I hear, I mean... that’s
great. Congratulations. That’s...
awesome.
TOULOUSE
Come here.
Toulouse pulls him in for a hug. Squeezes him hard.
DALTON
Can’t breathe.
TOULOUSE
Guess we all gotta’ grow up some time.
And you are gonna’ be my best man.
DALTON
When’s the big day? Next year, next
summer-
TOULOUSE
Next week.
(off Dalton’s look)
Why wait? And we’re getting married in
our favorite place in the whole world.
Maria is so excited she just might burst.
MARIA
The Caymans islands.
DALTON
Next week, that’s-
MARIA
Amazing.
DALTON
I was going to say quick, but-
TOULOUSE
We’re taking care of everything. All you
have to do is show up. Maybe find a date.
20.


DALTON
Just tell me when and where.
Maria gives him a love smack on the arm.
MARIA
I told you there was nothing to worry
about.
(to Dalton)
He was so afraid to tell you-
TOULOUSE
- Well that’s not entirely-
MARIA
Joe’s gonna’ be mad. He’s gonna’ think
I’m leaving him all alone.
DALTON
All alone, is that what you-?
TOULOUSE
Come on, I didn’t mean it like that. What
I said was, we’ve worked together a long
time and this is a big change -- FOR BOTH
OF US.
DALTON
I’m not ALL alone. I have -- people. Lots
of people. I just met a lovely hostage.
She’s smart, extremely attractive,
recently single, I think there’s, you
know... a lot of possibility there. I
definitely felt a little spark between
us.
Toulouse and Maria stare at him, a mix of pity and shock
on their faces.
DALTON
What?
Genres: ["Action","Adventure","Comedy"]

Summary Dalton and Toulouse complete a dangerous mission and land at a small airport, reminiscing about their past adventures. Their celebration is cut short when Toulouse's fiancee, Maria, arrives, and Dalton learns about their engagement. Toulouse asks Dalton to be his best man at the wedding, which resolves the conflict and leads to excitement for the upcoming celebration.
Strengths
  • Dynamic dialogue
  • Surprising twist with Toulouse's engagement
  • Action-packed sequences
Weaknesses
  • Slight predictability in some character interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends action, humor, and surprise, keeping the audience engaged and entertained.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of combining action with a sudden engagement announcement adds a unique and unexpected twist to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses with Dalton's escape and the revelation of Toulouse's engagement, adding depth to the characters and their relationships.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the trope of unexpected engagements and showcases authentic reactions and dialogue that feel true to the characters' personalities.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with Dalton's humor contrasting with Toulouse's surprising news, creating a dynamic and engaging interaction.

Character Changes: 6

Toulouse's engagement announcement marks a significant change in his character, adding depth and complexity to his relationship with Dalton.

Internal Goal: 8

Dalton's internal goal is to come to terms with the sudden changes in his relationship with Toulouse and Maria. He is grappling with feelings of abandonment and loneliness.

External Goal: 7

Dalton's external goal is to navigate the unexpected news of Toulouse's engagement and upcoming wedding. He is trying to process this information and adjust to the new reality.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily in the action sequences and the emotional tension between the characters.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the unexpected news of Toulouse's engagement, which creates tension and conflict for Dalton as he processes the information.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are present in the action sequences and the emotional dynamics between the characters, adding tension and excitement to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing new information about the characters and their relationships, setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden revelation of Toulouse's engagement and the characters' genuine reactions to the news.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between the idea of growing up and settling down versus maintaining a sense of adventure and freedom. This challenges Dalton's beliefs about relationships and responsibilities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from excitement during the action sequences to surprise and amusement with Toulouse's engagement announcement.

Dialogue: 9

The witty and humorous dialogue enhances the scene, adding depth to the characters and creating an entertaining atmosphere.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic relationships between the characters, the unexpected plot twists, and the emotional depth of the interactions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and emotional beats that keep the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct beats and transitions between locations, effectively building tension and emotional stakes.


Critique
  • The dialogue in this scene is a bit awkward and unnatural. For example, Dalton's line about having "people" and "feeling a spark" with the hostage comes across as forced and uncomfortable.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. It's not clear what happens to Dalton and Toulouse after they leave the airport.
  • The scene doesn't do much to advance the plot or develop the characters. It feels like a filler scene that could be cut without losing anything important.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Add more details to the ending of the scene to give the reader a better sense of closure.
  • Consider cutting the scene altogether if it doesn't add anything important to the story.



Scene 9 -  The Deception of Donna Jeffries: A Banking Confusion
INT. NEW YORK BANK - DAY

A large Bank in the middle of the city. Lunch time rush
hour. Hundreds of CUSTOMERS mill about, anxiously waiting
in line.

DONNA JEFFRIES, 30’s, Senior Corporate Account Manager,
laptop in hand, walks down a long line of CUSTOMERS.

DONNA
Anyone opening a new business account?
Account transfers?
21.


BEN GREEN
I am.

BEN GREEN is a young hip New York financial player -- just
ask him. Slick of the moment attire. He just reeks
asshole.

DONNA
Right this way.

BEN GREEN
Finally.

He follows. Checks his watch. He’s in a hurry. She
notices.

BEN GREEN
I’ve been waiting in line for like
fifteen minutes.

DONNA
I’ll have you out of here in ten. Donna
Jeffries.

They shake.

BEN GREEN
Ben Green.

Donna leads him to her large desk, one of a dozen in the
middle of the bank floor. Flips open her laptop.

Ben hands her a folder of BUSINESS DOCUMENTS.

BEN GREEN
Everything’s there.

He checks her out. She’s pretty. Long blond hair, pulled
back in a braid. There’s just something about her that he
can’t quite put his finger on, but he likes it.

He checks out Donna’s NAME PLAQUE on the desk.

She spins her laptop towards him.

DONNA
I just need you to fill this out.
Social, license, current bank account
router number, federal EI number,
corporate name and address.

BEN GREEN
That’s it?
22.


DONNA
That’s it. Then you’re on your way and I
can take it from there.

He types away. Donna smiles and says hello to the passing
customers, waving to one or two. Flips through the folder
Ben gave her..

BEN GREEN
I like this Bank.

She flirts with him.

DONNA
We aim to please.

He finishes up. Spins the laptop back to her.

BEN GREEN
There you go.

DONNA
Looks good. Now I just need you to hit
the little button right there to transfer
the money out of your old account and
into your new account here with us.

He smiles, reaches around and hits transfer. We watch the
money transfer between his old and new accounts.

She checks her watch.

DONNA
Perfect. I’ll be right back with some
paperwork for you to sign and then you
are out of here.

BEN GREEN
Pretty painless.

DONNA
That’s the way we like it.

She closes her laptop and gets up, taking it with her. He
watches her go, melting into the sea of customers.

And that’s when ANOTHER WOMAN sits down across from him,
plopping down a Styrofoam drink cup on the desk.

WOMAN
Why is lunch always the shortest hour of
the day? Am I right?

Ben looks confused. Why is this woman talking to me?
23.


BEN GREEN
Look, lady, I really don’t have the time
for this.

WOMAN
(Big smile)
Then lets get to it. You’re here to open
a new account.

BEN GREEN
Yeah, I... just did.

WOMAN
That’s great, who’s helping you?

He points in the direction Donna went.

BEN GREEN
Donna Jeffries. She just went to get my
paperwork. You’re sitting in her-

Now the Woman is confused, she points to her NAME TAG.

WOMAN
-- I’m Donna Jeffries.

CLOSE ON Ben’s shocked expression, quickly turning to
anger. He leaps out of his chair and bolts towards the
front door.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a busy New York bank during lunch hour, Donna Jeffries assists Ben Green in opening a new account. However, the scene turns tense when a woman who also introduces herself as Donna Jeffries sits down with Ben, causing confusion and suspicion. Ben, suspecting deception, flees the bank in anger before finding out the truth.
Strengths
  • Effective use of mistaken identity plot device
  • Tense and suspenseful atmosphere
  • Engaging character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Slightly predictable outcome
  • Some cliched dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the mistaken identity plot device, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the outcome.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of mistaken identity and the ensuing confrontation is well-executed and adds depth to the overall storyline.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene is driven by the mistaken identity and the resulting conflict, moving the story forward and adding layers to the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar setting of a bank, focusing on the interactions between the characters and their conflicting personalities. The authenticity of the dialogue and character actions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their interactions are engaging, especially in the context of the mistaken identity situation.

Character Changes: 7

The mistaken identity situation leads to a change in the characters' perceptions of each other, adding depth to their development.

Internal Goal: 8

Donna's internal goal is to efficiently assist customers and complete their transactions while maintaining a professional demeanor. This reflects her desire to excel in her role as a Senior Corporate Account Manager and provide excellent customer service.

External Goal: 7

Donna's external goal is to help Ben Green open a new business account and complete the necessary paperwork. This reflects the immediate challenge of managing a demanding customer during a busy time at the bank.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, driven by the mistaken identity and the characters' conflicting agendas.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Ben's impatience and Donna's professionalism creating a conflict that drives the narrative forward. The audience is unsure of how the situation will resolve, adding tension and intrigue.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the mistaken identity situation and the characters' conflicting goals raise the tension and suspense in the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and dynamic between the characters, setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist where the woman reveals she is Donna Jeffries, leading to a surprising and humorous moment. The audience is kept on their toes and unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the contrast between Donna's dedication to her job and Ben's impatience and arrogance. This challenges Donna's values of professionalism and customer service in the face of difficult customers.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits emotions of tension, surprise, and anger from the characters and the audience, enhancing the overall impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and helps to establish the tension between the characters, adding depth to their interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between the characters, the humor and tension in the dialogue, and the fast-paced nature of the setting. The audience is drawn into the conflict and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of fast-paced dialogue and slower moments of tension. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in building suspense and engaging the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the tension and humor of the situation.


Critique
  • This scene is rather boring. It feels like a typical bank scene that we have seen in many movies before.
  • The dialogue is not very interesting. It's mostly just Ben and Donna exchanging information.
  • The characters are not very well-developed. We don't really learn anything about Ben or Donna beyond their names and their jobs.
  • The pacing of the scene is slow. There is not much action or excitement.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt. Ben just gets up and leaves without any explanation.
  • There is not much tension or conflict in the scene. The only thing that happens is that Ben opens a new bank account.
Suggestions
  • Add some more action or excitement to the scene. Maybe Ben could be robbed or kidnapped.
  • Develop the characters more. Give them some more depth and backstory.
  • Re-write the dialogue to make it more interesting and engaging.
  • Add some more tension or conflict to the scene. Maybe Ben could be trying to open an account with stolen money



Scene 10 -  Maddy's Escape and Dalton's Heartfelt Reunion
EXT. NEW YORK BANK - DAY

CLOSE ON A TRASH CAN as a BLOND WIG is tossed into it.

MADDY HAYNES (our Donna Jeffries impostor) shakes out her
brown hair. Smiles as she clutches the laptop, pleased
with her latest score, and slinks out of frame.

Ben Green races out after her, but she’s long gone.

EXT. JFK AIRPORT - NIGHT
We watch a COMMERCIAL AIRLINER land.
SUPER: “NEW YORK”

INT. JFK - NIGHT
Dalton steps off the plane into the gate area.
24.


HIS POV of the other PASSENGERS walking into the arms of
awaiting friends and family. KIDS race up to wraps their
arms around their PARENTS.
GIRLFRIENDS race into the arms of BOYFRIENDS. HUSBANDS
greet their WIVES with kisses on the cheek. Everyone has
someone.
Everyone except Dalton. A fact not lost on him.

INT. DALTON’S PENTHOUSE APARTMENT - NIGHT
Overlooking Central Park and all part of Dalton’s cover
story. The successful life of a fruit importer.
Dalton enters, dumping his bags next to the door.
Exhausted. Then he notices something odd. Some of the
lights are on -- and the sliding door to the patio is
open.
He hears someone out on the patio. He slinks across the
apartment, staying in the shadows, careful not to make a
sound.
He reaches the sliding glass door. Creeps up next to it,
keeping his back against the wall. He hears movement
outside. Carefully peaks around the door frame. Scans the
perimeter. Doesn’t see anyone.

EXT. PATIO - NIGHT
Dalton crouches low and snakes out onto the patio.
He stops behind a LARGE PLANTER. Pulls the GUN from his
waistband. Quietly chambers a round. GOOD TO GO.
He hears SPLASHING in the pool. He springs up, gun raised
and ready, and sprints to the edge of the pool, heart
pounding, his gun zeroing in on whoever is in the pool.
DALTON
Don’t move!
A MAN pops up in the shallow end, his back to us, no shirt
on.
CLOSE ON DALTON. Confused.
DALTON
Dad?
He walks towards Dalton, reaching the stairs.
DALTON
You’re -- HERE.
25.


Dad steps out of the pool and that’s when we realize he’s-
DALTON
And you’re naked.
NAKED. He moves in for a hug.
GEORGE
Hey kiddo’.
Dalton backs away.
DALTON
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Towel. Please.
But he’s not stopping.
GEORGE
Come here!
Big, soaking wet, naked BEAR HUG.
GEORGE
I missed ya’ kid.
DALTON
Missed you too -- Dad.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary The scene is set in three different locations and follows multiple characters. Maddy, disguised as Donna Jeffries, makes a successful escape from Ben with a laptop. Meanwhile, Dalton reunites with his father, George, after a long separation. The scene is filled with tension, surprise, and ultimately warmth and affection as Dalton and George share a heartfelt reunion in the pool. Key pieces of dialogue and visual elements, such as the discarded blond wig and passengers reuniting with their loved ones, add depth to the scene.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Blend of genres
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited action sequences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines action, emotion, and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued. The introduction of Dalton's father adds depth to the character and the overall story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a surprise family reunion in the midst of a tense and mysterious situation adds a layer of complexity to the scene, making it more than just a typical action sequence.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Dalton returns home and encounters his father unexpectedly, adding a personal element to the larger story. The scene also sets up potential conflicts and developments for future events.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the familiar trope of a surprise intruder in a character's home, adding layers of complexity through the revelation of the intruder's identity. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Dalton and his father, are well-developed and their interactions add depth to the scene. The emotional impact of their reunion resonates with the audience.

Character Changes: 7

Dalton experiences a significant emotional change upon encountering his father, moving from confusion to joy and surprise. This sets up potential character development for future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Dalton's internal goal in this scene is to navigate his complex relationship with his father, balancing feelings of surprise, confusion, and vulnerability. This reflects his deeper need for familial connection and understanding.

External Goal: 7

Dalton's external goal is to investigate the intruder in his apartment and ensure his safety. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in maintaining his cover story and security.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on Dalton's surprise and confusion at his father's sudden appearance. It sets up potential conflicts for future events.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Dalton facing a challenging situation that tests his instincts, emotions, and relationships. The uncertainty surrounding the intruder's identity adds a layer of suspense and conflict.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not explicitly high in this scene, the emotional impact of the family reunion adds a sense of importance and significance to the events unfolding.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements and potential conflicts, particularly with the unexpected appearance of Dalton's father. It sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reveal of the intruder's identity as Dalton's father, subverting the audience's initial assumptions and adding depth to the character dynamics. The element of surprise enhances the scene's impact.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the theme of family dynamics and trust. Dalton's initial suspicion towards the intruder contrasts with the eventual realization that it is his father, challenging his beliefs about vulnerability and familial bonds.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact of the family reunion is significant, adding a layer of depth and humanity to the action-packed scene. The audience is likely to be moved by the unexpected encounter.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and tensions between the characters, especially during the reunion between Dalton and his father. It adds to the overall atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of suspense, emotion, and humor, keeping the audience invested in Dalton's journey and the unfolding mystery. The dynamic character interactions and unexpected twists maintain the scene's momentum.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension, suspense, and emotional resonance, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding events. The rhythmic flow of action and dialogue enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue. The visual elements are effectively conveyed through concise and engaging writing.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure that effectively builds tension, reveals character dynamics, and advances the plot. The transitions between locations and character interactions are seamless.


Critique
  • The scene transition is abrupt and could benefit from a more seamless connection to the previous scene.
  • The emotional impact of Dalton's loneliness could be more effectively conveyed through internal dialogue or introspection.
  • The revelation of George's presence could be more suspenseful with better use of lighting, shadows, and sound effects.
  • The dialogue between Dalton and George could be more impactful with the addition of emotional depth and history.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line or two of Dalton's internal thoughts to emphasize his loneliness and longing for connection.
  • Experiment with lighting and sound effects to build tension and suspense before George's reveal.
  • Develop the relationship between Dalton and George by incorporating personal anecdotes, shared history, or emotional moments.
  • Add a transition that clearly links this scene to the previous one, such as a visual or thematic element that carries over.



Scene 11 -  A Tale of Two Lives: Dalton and George's Heartfelt Reunion
EXT. PATIO - NIGHT
LATER. Dalton and George sit in front of the FIRE PIT
enjoying a couple of beers.
George (60’s) is a little rough around the edges. Smiling
eyes, weathered features, jeans, long sleeve thermal
shirt, worn baseball cap and old boots.
DALTON
So where ya’ been? Haven’t heard from you
in what, two, three years?
GEORGE
Been a little busy.
DALTON
You always were...
GEORGE
I was in China for a while doing some
construction work. Farming in New Zealand
before that. Some crab fishing in Alaska.
Croatia -- oh, the women there...
DALTON
Dad...
26.


GEORGE
Sorry. You know I always loved your
Mother.
DALTON
Just not enough to stick around.
GEORGE
It was the work, you know that. Traveling
all the time. It just didn’t fit.
DALTON
You mean we didn’t fit.
GEORGE
I -- didn’t fit. Truth is I don’t fit
anywhere. Guess that’s why I keep moving,
trying to find that spot in the puzzle
where all of my edges match up.
DALTON
I know what you mean.
GEORGE
We’re men of the world, we’re not meant
to be tied down to one place or one
person. We’re free spirits.
DALTON
Well I don’t feel so free.
GEORGE
You’re just in a rut. It’s a phase.
You’ll get used to it. I did.
DALTON
I don’t want to get used to it Dad. I’m
sorry -- but I don’t want to be you. I
don’t want to live my life all over the
world. I want a family. A home.
GEORGE
Well you picked a helluva’ career for
that.
DALTON
I thought it picked me.
GEORGE
Now you sound like your old man. You’re
the one in control Dalton, so don’t act
like a victim. I wasted too many years
and hurt too many people doing that. No
one controls you and no one tells you
what to do. You don’t like the way things
are, change ‘em.
27.


DALTON
Just like that?
GEORGE
Just like that.
Dalton takes that in.
DALTON
I used to want this. I did. The travel,
the adventure, the women -- but I just
don’t anymore. I need something more,
something real.
GEORGE
And now you sound like your Mother. Die
hard romantic.
They share a laugh.
DALTON
So how long are you in town for?
GEORGE
Just passing through.
DALTON
As usual.
GEORGE
I leave tomorrow.
Now it all makes sense. The smile falls from Dalton’s
face.
DALTON
How much do you need?
GEORGE
Couple thousand.
(looks around)
If you can spare it. You know I’m good
for it, it’s just--
DALTON
Don’t Dad, it’s fine. Whatever you need,
you know that.
(almost to himself)
I guess it’s nice to know that some
things don’t change.
Dalton gets up and heads to the kitchen.
DALTON
Another beer?
GEORGE
Thanks kid.
28.


As Dalton reaches the door he turns back and looks at
George. Studies him.
Has he become his father?
DALTON
Just like that.
Dalton takes the last sip from his beer.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Dalton, a discontented firefighter, and George, his wanderlust-stricken father, reunite after years apart. They sit by a fire pit, sharing stories and reminiscing about the past. George's travels and Dalton's longing for a family create a palpable tension, yet Dalton generously lends George money when asked. The scene concludes with Dalton reflecting on their relationship, leaving the larger conflict unresolved.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Low external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth of the characters and their relationship, providing insight into their inner thoughts and feelings. The dialogue is poignant and realistic, capturing the complexities of family dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the strained relationship between a father and son, as well as the themes of regret and acceptance, is well-executed. The scene delves into the characters' emotional journeys and personal growth.

Plot: 7

While the scene focuses more on character development and emotional depth than plot progression, it sets the stage for potential conflicts and resolutions in the characters' lives. The interaction between the father and son drives the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the father-son dynamic, exploring themes of identity, freedom, and family in a nuanced way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and relatable, with their inner conflicts and desires driving the scene. The father and son's dynamic is compelling, offering insight into their past and present struggles.

Character Changes: 7

Both characters experience growth and introspection during the scene, with the son expressing his desire for a different life and the father reflecting on his past choices. Their interaction leads to a deeper understanding of themselves and each other.

Internal Goal: 8

Dalton's internal goal is to find a sense of stability and purpose in his life, contrasting with his father's nomadic lifestyle. He desires a family and a home, seeking something more meaningful than just travel and adventure.

External Goal: 7

George's external goal is to borrow money from Dalton, indicating a need for financial support and possibly a lack of stability in his own life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

While there is emotional conflict between the father and son, the scene focuses more on internal struggles and personal growth than external conflicts. The tension lies in the characters' past decisions and their impact on their relationship.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and emotions between the characters creating tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are more internal and emotional in nature, revolving around the characters' personal growth and relationships. While there is tension between the father and son, the scene's focus is on emotional resolution rather than high-stakes action.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene focuses more on character development than plot progression, it sets the stage for future conflicts and resolutions in the characters' lives. The emotional depth of the scene drives the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional revelations and shifts in power dynamics between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of freedom and control. George believes in being a free spirit and not being tied down, while Dalton desires control over his own life and choices.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly in its exploration of family dynamics and the characters' inner turmoil. The heartfelt reunion between the father and son resonates on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and engaging, effectively conveying the characters' emotions and motivations. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the audience's understanding of the father and son's relationship.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters, the relatable conflicts they face, and the subtle tension between them.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing for moments of reflection and introspection.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a dialogue-heavy, character-driven scene, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural progression of dialogue and character interactions, effectively building tension and emotional depth.


Critique
  • The dialogue is a bit stiff and unnatural. It feels like the characters are reading lines from a script rather than having a real conversation.
  • The scene doesn't really advance the plot. It's mostly just exposition and character development.
  • The characters are not particularly well-developed. We don't really get a sense of who they are or what they want.
  • The scene is too long. It could be trimmed down by about a third without losing any of the important information.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit anticlimactic. It feels like the writer didn't know how to end it, so they just had the characters hug.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue so that it sounds more natural and conversational.
  • Add some more action or conflict to the scene to make it more exciting.
  • Develop the characters more by giving them more backstory and motivations.
  • Trim down the scene by removing any unnecessary dialogue or exposition.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending by having the characters make a decision or take some kind of action.



Scene 12 -  Dalton's Clumsy Morning at World Fruit Imports
EXT. WORLD FRUIT IMPORTS - DAY
A large storage/shipping warehouse and office building.
Tractor trailers come and go, business must be good.
Dalton pulls up in his PRIUS and takes his spot near the
front door.
He steps out, heads towards the front door and TRIPS on
the curb. Tumbles forward, losing his balance and almost
crumbles to the ground but his head hits a signpost,
putting an end to his stumbling with a loud WHACK!

INT. WORLD FRUIT IMPORTS - DAY
Dalton enters, his hand on his head. Greets his
receptionist ANGIE, who’s always ready to come to his aid.
ANGIE
Are you OK Mr. Ruben?
DALTON
Good morning Angie, you’re looking lovely
as always. Place holding up without me?
There are flowers on her desk. Dalton gets a whiff, tries
to fight off a big sneeze but it doesn’t work. He spins
away from Angie, knocking a lamp over in the process.
DALTON
Aaaachooo!
The lamp smashes on the floor.
DALTON
I am so sorry.
He tries to pick up the lamp. Smacks his head on the desk.
Tries to put the pieces of the lamp back together -- it
doesn’t work. The lamp is done. And now his finger is
bleeding.
DALTON
Ouch!
ANGIE
Are you OK?
29.


DALTON
I think I’ll live. If it doesn’t get
infected and I get lock-jaw or have to
have it amputated.
ANGIE
I’ll get you a band-aid.
He’s starting to look a little pale. She grabs the FIRST
AID KIT she keeps in her desk.
DALTON
No big deal. What do we have this
morning?
ANGIE
HE’S here.
She doesn’t look happy. He studies her.
DALTON
Eyes wide, eyebrows pulled down in the
middle, forehead wrinkled, flared
nostrils, mouth flattened, lips pursed,
jaw clenched -- face red. Only one person
can cause that reaction-
He spins into-
Genres: ["Comedy","Action","Thriller"]

Summary Dalton, a clumsy and self-deprecating man, arrives at World Fruit Imports and trips, hitting his head on a signpost. Receptionist Angie takes care of him, bandaging his cut finger and informing him of George's arrival, which causes a reaction from Angie, indicating a history between the two. The scene is light-hearted and humorous, with a hint of underlying tension.
Strengths
  • Physical comedy
  • Engaging concept
  • Balanced genre elements
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly entertaining, with a good balance of humor, action, and tension. The physical comedy adds a unique element to the overall tone.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a bumbling protagonist in a high-stakes environment is engaging and sets up potential for comedic and action-packed sequences.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Dalton navigates through his workplace, setting up potential conflicts and character interactions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on workplace comedy by combining physical humor with introspective character moments. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are introduced in a way that showcases their personalities and potential for development.

Character Changes: 5

There is potential for character growth, especially in Dalton's ability to navigate challenges.

Internal Goal: 8

Dalton's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his composure and professionalism despite a series of embarrassing mishaps. This reflects his desire to be seen as competent and in control.

External Goal: 7

Dalton's external goal is to navigate through his workday without any major incidents that could jeopardize his reputation or relationships with colleagues.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a level of conflict present, both in Dalton's physical mishaps and potential conflicts with other characters.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with Dalton facing minor obstacles that add to the humor and tension.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not explicitly high in this scene, there is a sense of urgency and potential consequences for Dalton's actions.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements and potential conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected physical comedy and character reactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Dalton's desire to appear competent and in control versus the reality of his clumsiness and vulnerability. This challenges his beliefs about professionalism and self-image.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The emotional impact is limited in this scene, focusing more on humor and action.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is humorous and helps establish the tone of the scene, but could be more impactful.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the comedic mishaps and relatable workplace dynamics.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene adds to its effectiveness by balancing comedic moments with character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a workplace comedy genre, with a setup of the character's environment and conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with Dalton having a physical mishap, which is a bit of a cliche and doesn't really add anything to the story.
  • The dialogue between Dalton and Angie is a bit forced and unnatural.
  • The scene doesn't really advance the plot or develop the characters in any meaningful way.
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened without losing any important information.
  • The scene doesn't really have a clear purpose or goal.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with Dalton entering the office and greeting Angie.
  • Have Dalton and Angie have a more natural conversation about what's going on.
  • Have Dalton discover that George is waiting for him in the office.
  • Have Dalton and George have a brief conversation about what's been going on in their lives.
  • End the scene with Dalton heading into George's office.



Scene 13 -  Dalton's Announcement: A Surprise Retirement
INT. DALTON’S OFFICE - DAY
-- his office. Big fake smile.
DALTON
Carl! You’re -- here. Where I work.
During normal business hours while there
are other people around.
He closes the door behind him. CARL is Dalton’s Agent.
DALTON
I told you never to come here again. You
scare -- everyone. Not to mention what I
thought was the obvious risk of blowing
my cover.
CARL
It’s important.
DALTON
You know what’s important? That my
receptionist doesn’t drop dead from an
anxiety attack every time she sees you
walk through the door.
30.


CARL
I thought there was a little something
going on between us.
DALTON
Stay away from her. She’s normal. I don’t
want her broken.
CARL
That hurts.
DALTON
Don’t act like you have feelings. It’s
insulting.
Carl knows that he’s right. Dalton sits.
DALTON
So -- what’s so important?
Carl flips open his laptop. Punches in a CHALLENGE CODE
and spins it towards Dalton.
CARL
First, I brought you a little something
for this past weekend’s handiwork and by
a little something I mean a lot of
something and by something I mean money.
DALTON
Yeah I -- I figured that.
Dalton looks at the amount on the screen.
CARL
One point five mil. Minus my fifteen
percent of course.
DALTON
Of course.
CARL
Transferred to your usual account in the
Caymans.
Dalton types in a CHALLENGE/RESPONSE CODE and we see the
money transferred into his account.
CARL
Are we a great team or what?
DALTON
Yeah about that. I’ve been thinking.
We’ve made a lot of money over the years.
CARL
Yes we have.
31.


DALTON
I’ve got a pretty good nest egg.
Diversified portfolio. Strong Real Estate
investments. This place. I mean I know it
started out as a shell Corp for my cover
but we’re looking at some healthy third
quarter numbers. You gotta’ admit I know
fruit. I could go public, cash in my
stock options.
CARL
I don’t like where this is going.
DALTON
I’m getting out. One more job and I’m
done.
Carl freezes. Speechless. Shocked. And then he busts out
laughing.
CARL
That’s AWESOME!
DALTON
I -- I didn’t expect this, I thought for
sure you’d be upset.
CARL
You know how many “Last jobs” you’ve been
on in the past fifteen years?
DALTON
But this time I’m serious. It’s OVER.
Carl stops laughing. Looks straight into Dalton’s eyes.
The color flushes from Carl’s face.
Dalton steps out of the office through the back door and
into-
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Crime"]

Summary In this tense scene, undercover agent Dalton is visited at his office by his agent, Carl, who brings him a large sum of money for a job well done. Dalton reveals his plan to retire after one more job, which Carl finds hard to believe due to their lucrative partnership. The conflict is not resolved, and the scene ends with Dalton stepping out of his office through the back door, leaving Carl in shock and disbelief.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Strong character development
  • High stakes
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched elements in the retirement trope

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is well-written, engaging, and sets up important plot developments. The dialogue is strong, and the decision made by the protagonist adds depth to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a seasoned protagonist deciding to retire after one last job is a classic trope in action thrillers, but it is executed effectively in this scene. The idea of leaving behind a life of danger for a more stable future adds depth to the character.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly in this scene as the protagonist makes a crucial decision that will impact the rest of the story. The conflict between the protagonist and his agent adds tension and sets up future events.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a level of originality through its fresh take on the 'one last job' trope, the witty dialogue, and the unexpected twist of the protagonist's retirement plans. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, especially the protagonist and his agent. Their dynamic is complex and adds layers to the story. The emotional impact of the scene is largely driven by the characters' interactions.

Character Changes: 8

The protagonist undergoes a significant change in this scene by deciding to retire. This decision will likely have a profound impact on his character arc and the direction of the story.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to retire from his life of crime and danger. This reflects his desire for a normal life, security, and peace after years of risky activities.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to discuss his retirement plans with his agent and make a final decision on one last job. This reflects the immediate challenge of leaving behind his criminal lifestyle and ensuring his financial security.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both internal (the protagonist's decision to retire) and external (the tension between the protagonist and his agent). This conflict drives the narrative forward and keeps the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the agent's disbelief and the protagonist's determination creating a conflict that drives the narrative forward. The uncertainty of the agent's reaction and the protagonist's final decision add complexity and tension to the scene.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene as the protagonist makes a life-changing decision that will impact his future and the outcome of the story. The tension and conflict add to the sense of urgency and importance.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by setting up important plot developments and character decisions. It propels the narrative towards the climax and resolution of the story.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist of the protagonist's retirement plans and the agent's reaction. The shifting dynamics between the characters and the uncertain outcome of the protagonist's decision add suspense and intrigue to the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's desire for a normal life and security versus his agent's disbelief and amusement at his retirement plans. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about his own capabilities and the nature of his criminal lifestyle.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, especially in the protagonist's decision to retire and the complex relationship between the characters. The audience is likely to feel invested in the outcome of the story.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and reveals important information about the characters and their motivations. It adds depth to the scene and keeps the audience invested in the story.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, tension-filled interactions, and unexpected plot twists. The characters' conflicting goals and emotions keep the audience invested in the outcome of the scene.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of tension and suspense throughout the dialogue and character interactions. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome of the protagonist's decision.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The use of visual cues and transitions enhances the reader's understanding of the setting and character dynamics.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear character introductions, conflict development, and a resolution that sets up future events. The pacing and dialogue contribute to the scene's effectiveness and engagement.


Critique
  • The dialogue is a bit unnatural. It feels like the characters are talking in a way that real people don't.
  • The scene is a bit too long. It could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue.
  • The scene doesn't really advance the plot. It's mostly just exposition.
  • The scene is a bit confusing. It's not clear what the characters are talking about at times.
  • The scene is a bit boring. It doesn't really have any tension or excitement.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural.
  • Shorten the scene by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue.
  • Add more conflict to the scene to advance the plot.
  • Make the scene less confusing by clarifying what the characters are talking about.
  • Add some tension or excitement to the scene to make it more engaging.



Scene 14 -  Dalton's Decision to Leave: A Mercenary's Struggle
INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY
The warehouse. Dozens of WORKERS loading and unloading
trucks. Hundreds of CRATES, row after row, filled with
fruit.
CARL
Do I mean nothing to you?
DALTON
Carl you’re taking this the wrong way.
I’ve been lying about my life for so long
I don’t even know who I am anymore.
CARL
You’re Dalton Woods-
32.


Dalton looks around, signals Carl to keep his voice low.

DALTON
(interrupting)
- Joe Ruben-

CARL
Joe Ruben, the highest paid mercenary-

DALTON
Hero for hire-
CARL
My mistake, hero for hire in the world.
Dalton greets each EMPLOYEE as he passes them. He knows
everyone who works for him.
DALTON
But that’s all I am. I’m not a friend,
not a lover, a husband, a father. I don’t
have a life outside of this. I’m the job
and nothing more. I need to be something
more. FOR ONCE. I need to be something
more.
CARL
Get a hobby. I fish. You can come. We’ll
go right now. Come on. I got my rods in
the car. Here we go...
DALTON
You’re not hearing me. When I say I can’t
do this anymore, I mean I can’t do this
anymore. My head’s not in the game and
when that happens, people get killed.
They step into the elevator.

INT. ELEVATOR - DAY
Dalton punches in a code. Hits the down button.
CARL
I thought people getting killed was the
idea. I mean it’s right there in the job
description.
DALTON
The WRONG people get killed.
CARL
Ohhh, yeah, that’s not good.
33.


DALTON
I just -- I can’t. Please. I can’t.
CARL
Fifteen years, Dalton. Fifteen years and
this is how we’re going to end it? You
just quit and walk away. You don’t groom
a successor -- no protege? Just leave me
hanging? What happened?
DALTON
I’ve changed.
CARL
Well change back.
Dalton open his arms wide.
DALTON
Someone needs a hug. Come here.
He wraps his arms around Carl. Pulls him in close. It’s
really uncomfortable for Carl.
DALTON
Just relax. Deep breaths.
The elevator doors open. Several TECHNICIANS on the floor
see them hugging. Odd looks.
Carl pushes Dalton away. Steps out of the elevator into-

INT. UNDERGROUND WAREHOUSE - DAY
Dalton’s real headquarters, where he keeps all of his
toys. Cool cars, cooler gadgets, the coolest weapons.
They walk.
CARL
All right, all right -- FINE -- one more
run. But lets make it special. I want
Dalton Woods going out like the legend
that you have become.
He reaches into his briefcase and pulls out a file.
CARL
This is the one. Two mil. Three days
work. Tops. Everything you need to know
is in there. Target, location, time,
daily routine. Works on Wall Street. Real
player. Good news in that it’s just a
snatch and grab -- no wet work, no blood,
everyone walks away breathing.
(MORE)
34.

CARL (CONT’D)
Client just wants their money back and
they think a little face to face time
with the target will help facilitate
that.
DALTON
They’re going to torture them.
CARL
Well... You’re not taking them to a tea
party. This one’s easy. Trust me.
CARL
Nobody pays two mil for easy.
Dalton flips through the file. We don’t get to see what he
sees. He has a sudden look of concern.
DALTON
I don’t know about this one, maybe I
should just...
CARL
You know what, you’re right, I don’t know
what I was thinking, I’ll give it to the
kid. It’ll be good for him.
DALTON
The kid’s a hazard -- to himself. He has
no patience, acts before he thinks, zero
risk assessment skills, doesn’t give a
damn about collateral damage and he
leaves a mess at every job. He’s lucky he
isn’t dead already.
CARL
YOU trained him.
DALTON
He never listened, never learned.
CARL
Well he’s gonna’ have to step up now that
you’re stepping out. Besides, it’s not
how you whack, it’s who you whack. That’s
how careers are made, you know that.
DALTON
I’m telling you he’s not ready.
CARL
Then take it. ‘Cause I gotta’ book this
job one way or the other. I cannot afford
to let this one go.
Dalton takes this in. Doesn’t want to but-
35.


DALTON
Last one?
CARL
Then it’s you, a horse and a sunset my
friend.
DALTON
Don’t forget the beautiful damsel in
distress.
CARL
That’s a given.
They reach Dalton’s PRIUS, now parked at the far end of
the warehouse.
There are several hidden compartments throughout the
interior and TECHNICIANS are making sure that WEAPONS are
packed into each one. Rifles, handguns, C-4 EXPLOSIVES,
Kevlar vest -- the usual. A traveling Armory.

CARL
(re: the car)
Hybrid?

DALTON
Of course.

CARL
Go green.
Dalton and Carl shake hands. Dalton pretends to be
Psyched..
DALTON
I’m excited about this. NOW LEAVE.
Through the tunnel. I don’t want you
scaring the customers.
Dalton climbs into the driver’s seat, closes the door.
CARL
Am I really that bad?
DALTON
Yes -- you are.
Dalton rolls up the window in Carl’s face and peels out in
the Prius, leaving Carl all by himself.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a busy warehouse, top mercenary Dalton confesses his desire to quit his job to colleague Carl, citing dissatisfaction with his life and lack of personal fulfillment. Carl tries to persuade him to stay, but Dalton is resolute. After some hesitation, Carl offers Dalton one last job, which he eventually accepts, bringing the scene to a close.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Internal conflict exploration
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue
  • Lack of external action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the internal struggle of the protagonist and introduces a new job that adds tension and conflict to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a seasoned mercenary contemplating retirement and facing a moral dilemma adds depth to the character and drives the plot forward.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Dalton is presented with a new job that tests his principles and sets up potential conflicts in the future.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on the mercenary genre by focusing on the personal and moral dilemmas of the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and character dynamics adds originality to the familiar setting of a warehouse.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene delves into Dalton's complex character, showcasing his internal conflict and moral compass. Carl's role as a loyal friend and colleague adds depth to their relationship.

Character Changes: 7

Dalton experiences a significant internal change as he contemplates retirement and faces a moral dilemma. This sets the stage for potential character growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Dalton's internal goal is to find a sense of identity and purpose beyond his job as a mercenary. He expresses a desire to be more than just a hired gun and to have a life outside of his dangerous profession.

External Goal: 7

Dalton's external goal is to decide whether to take on one last job before retiring. He is faced with a moral dilemma and the decision to either continue his dangerous career or walk away.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Dalton grapples with the decision to take on one last job despite his desire to retire. The tension between his loyalty to his profession and his need for a change is palpable.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and moral dilemmas challenging Dalton's decisions. The audience is left unsure of how Dalton will navigate the obstacles he faces, adding suspense and tension to the scene.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Dalton as he grapples with the decision to take on one last job that could have significant consequences for his future and the lives of others.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new job for Dalton, setting up potential conflicts and challenges that will drive the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in Dalton's decision-making process and the moral complexities he faces. The audience is kept on their toes as they anticipate his final choice.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the morality of Dalton's profession as a mercenary. He grapples with the consequences of his actions and the impact they have on others, highlighting a clash between duty and personal values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and anxiety to reflection and resignation, especially in Dalton's internal struggle and his interactions with Carl.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and motivations of the characters, especially Dalton and Carl, adding depth to their relationship and the overall scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of action, emotion, and moral dilemmas. The dynamic interactions between the characters and the high-stakes decision-making keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged in Dalton's internal struggle and external decision-making process. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly, contributing to the overall readability of the screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and character development. The pacing and transitions enhance the narrative flow and engage the audience.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Dalton and Carl is stilted and unnatural. It doesn't sound like the way real people would talk to each other.
  • The scene lacks conflict. Dalton and Carl simply talk about Dalton's desire to retire, and there is no real tension or drama.
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened without losing any important information.
  • The scene doesn't do much to advance the plot. It's mostly just exposition and doesn't really move the story forward.
  • The scene is repetitive. Dalton and Carl keep repeating the same points over and over again.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and realistic.
  • Add some conflict to the scene, such as a disagreement between Dalton and Carl about Dalton's retirement plans.
  • Shorten the scene by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and exposition.
  • Add some action to the scene, such as a fight or a chase scene.
  • Find a way to make the scene more visually interesting, such as by using different camera angles or lighting techniques.



Scene 15 -  Blind Con Artist Gets Hit by Car on Wall Street
EXT. WALL STREET - DAY
Dalton walks down the street, dressed sharp but casual,
playing the role of a tourist. He’s looking up as he
walks, clicking away on his camera.
36.


CLICK. He takes a picture of an office window. ZOOMS IN.
CLICK. Takes a picture of the BUSINESSMAN on the phone,
standing in front of the window. CLICK. Even tighter on
the BUSINESSMAN. Older. Well-kept. Expensive, tailored
suit.
ACROSS THE STREET.
MADDY HAYNES approaches the corner in a hurry. Checks her
watch. She sizes up the oncoming traffic, timing her
moment to cross.
She steps out into the crosswalk when-
SCREECH, BAM! A BLACK TOWN CAR slams on its brakes and
skids, CLIPS her at the waist, tosses her up and over the
hood and sending her bouncing onto the street with a THUD.
The passenger in the back seat, CHARLES MILLER, older,
Wall Street raider type, races out from the back seat.
CHARLES
My God, what did you do?
The DRIVER leaps out, visibly shaken.
DRIVER
She came out of nowhere.
Charles races to Maddy’s side.
CHARLES
Please be alive, please be alive.
(Kneels down)
Ma’am, are you alright? Ma’am?
Maddy groans.
CHARLES
Oh thank God. She’s alive.
And that’s when Maddy’s HANDS LAUNCH UP and grab Charles
by the collar of his jacket.
She yanks him down close to her, trying to focus on his
face, struggles to say-
MADDY
Daddy? Is that you?
He doesn’t want to upset her.
CHARLES
Everything is going to be just fine
sweetie.
He slowly turns to the driver and quietly says.
37.


CHARLES
Call an ambulance.
DRIVER
Right away sir.
Maddy wraps her arms around him trying to pull herself up.
MADDY
I can’t feel my legs Daddy.
CHARLES
Maybe you shouldn’t move.
SAM (O.C.)
Mommy!
Charles turns to see SAM, 10, racing towards them. He
practically dives on top of Maddy trying to help her.
SAM
Mommy!
His eyes well with tears.
CHARLES
Oh dear...
SAM
(softer)
Mommy...
Maddy looks around, doesn’t see Sam right next to her.
MADDY
Sam honey, is that you?
CHARLES
My God she’s blind.
Sam helps her up.
CHARLES
I don’t think you should move her.
SAM
Leave me alone!
(tears in his eyes)
Haven’t you done enough?
CHARLES
Well, I... The ambulance will be here any
second. I, I...
Maddy is on her feet.
MADDY
No ambulance. I’m fine.
38.


CHARLES
Are you sure? I’ll pay for everything.
MADDY
That’s sweet. Just the-
(she’s hit with a searing
pain in her back)
OWWWW -- wind knocked out of me. I’ll be
fine. Come on honey. Lets go home.
Sam helps Maddy limp to the opposite side of the street.
MADDY
YOU are supposed to be with Karen.
SAM
I gave her the day off. Told her you were
just out running a few errands and forgot
to call her.
MADDY
And she believed you?
SAM
WELL... I am your son.
He’s got her there.
MADDY
Yes you are.
Maddy’s limp improves with each step until they blend into
the sea of pedestrians and she smiles. She’s walking just
fine now.
SAM
You get it?
Maddy glances back over her shoulder as she reaches inside
her coat and pulls out a THICK ENVELOPE, shows Sam the
CASH inside it, and slips it back inside her liner pocket.
MADDY
Worked like a charm. Gotta’ love bankers.
Always right on time.
SAM
Great tuck and roll by the way -- for a
second there I thought you really got
hit. You shoulda’ seen the look on his
face.
(mimics Charles)
“Call an ambulance.”
MADDY
It wasn’t too much? Too obvious? I was a
little worried there for a minute.
39.


SAM
“Daddy is that you?”
(he laughs)
Brilliant.
MADDY
I totally ad-libbed that. I was just --
you know -- so in the moment.
SAM
When it works, it works. Sometimes you
just gotta’ let the moment flow over you.
MADDY
So it worked?
SAM
He never saw it coming.
She tussles his hair.
MADDY
Well we’re almost there kiddo’. One more
score and we’ll have it all, we can pay
off all of our debt, get a place of our
own, get you into that private school
we’ve been looking at in the fall, and
still have enough left over to live on
until I can get a-
(she cringes at the thought)
Real job and start over. A whole new
life.
He gives her a big hug.
SAM
You did it Mom. Just like you said you
would.
MADDY
I’d do anything for you. And nobody got
hurt. Except a few insurance companies
and banks and THEY can afford it.
And that’s when Maddy, looking down at Sam, bumps right
into-
DALTON, knocking the camera out of his hands. It bounces
off the sidewalk but doesn’t break.
MADDY
Oh my God, I’m so sorry.
Dalton bobs and weaves his way through the crowded
sidewalk, tripping over himself.
40.


He slaps his hand down on top of the camera and then
THWUMP! Someone stomps their foot down on top of Dalton’s
hand.
DALTON
Owwwww. Hey, watch where you’re stepping.
MAN
Watch where you’re putting your hand!
Dalton lifts up his hand, red and puffy, a size thirteen
work boot print on the back of it.
DALTON
That hurts.
He stretches his hand out. We hear things POP and CRACK.
DALTON
And that hurts more.
MADDY
Let me hold that.
She takes the camera from his hand. Instinctively slips it
into her pocket and then examines Dalton’s hand.
MADDY
It doesn’t look too bad.
DALTON
It doesn’t feel too good.
Maddy notices they’re standing in front of a DINER.
MADDY
Come on, let’s get a better look at this.
Sam, grab the man’s bag.
SAM
Got it.
Sam grabs Dalton’s briefcase off the sidewalk as Maddy
leads the three of them inside.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Crime"]

Summary Dalton, a tourist and photographer, takes pictures of Wall Street and gets his hand stepped on in a crowd. Meanwhile, Maddy Haynes, a blind con artist, gets hit by a car driven by Charles Miller's employee. Despite being injured, Maddy insists on walking away and scamming Charles out of money. With Dalton's help, Maddy and her son Sam enter a diner. The scene is tense and dramatic, with a hint of humor, and highlights the conflicts between Maddy and Charles and between Dalton and the crowd.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Engaging plot twists
  • Well-defined characters
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Character changes are minimal

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, filled with tension, and sets up a complex web of deception and intrigue. The action sequences and character dynamics keep the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a carefully orchestrated deception involving Maddy and Sam, leading to a chance encounter with Dalton, is well-executed and sets the stage for further developments in the plot.

Plot: 8

The plot is driven by the deception orchestrated by Maddy and Sam, leading to a collision of characters and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the heist genre by focusing on a mother-son duo executing a con job in a financial setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Maddy, Sam, and Dalton are well-defined and their interactions add depth to the scene. Maddy's resourcefulness, Sam's loyalty, and Dalton's resilience shine through.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions between Maddy, Sam, and Dalton hint at potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Maddy's internal goal is to successfully execute a con job with her son, Sam, in order to pay off their debts and start a new life. This reflects her desire to provide a better future for her son and escape their current circumstances.

External Goal: 7

Maddy's external goal is to successfully execute the con job without getting caught or causing harm to anyone. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating a risky situation in a crowded public space.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters, the high-stakes deception, and the unexpected encounter create a tense and gripping atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Maddy and Sam facing obstacles and challenges that threaten their success. The uncertainty of the outcome adds tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The high-stakes deception, the chance encounter, and the potential consequences for the characters raise the tension and keep the audience engaged.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and dialogue. The outcome of the con job is uncertain, adding to the suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the morality of Maddy's actions. She is engaging in criminal behavior to achieve a better life for her son, raising questions about the ethics of her choices.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension to relief, adding depth to the character interactions and the overall narrative.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and helps to build tension and reveal character motivations. It effectively conveys the deception and emotional dynamics at play.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its fast-paced action, morally complex characters, and high-stakes situation. The tension and suspense keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and character development that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear action lines and dialogue formatting that enhances readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup, conflict, and resolution, effectively building tension and developing the characters' motivations.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Dalton walking down the street, taking pictures. This is a good way to establish his character and his purpose in the scene. However, the scene quickly becomes cluttered with too many characters and too much dialogue. The introduction of Maddy, Sam, Charles, and the driver all within the first few lines makes it difficult for the reader to keep track of who is who and what is happening.
  • The dialogue between Maddy and Charles is stilted and unnatural. It is clear that they are not used to talking to each other, and this makes the scene feel forced and awkward.
  • The scene lacks any real conflict or tension. Maddy is hit by a car, but she is not seriously injured. Dalton comes to her aid, but he is not able to do anything to help her. The scene simply ends with Maddy and Sam walking away.
  • The scene does not advance the plot in any meaningful way. It does not provide any new information about the characters or their goals. It simply serves to introduce Maddy and Sam and to establish that Dalton is a good guy.
Suggestions
  • Simplify the scene by removing some of the characters. The driver and Charles are not necessary to the scene, and their removal would make the scene more streamlined.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Maddy and Charles to make it more natural and believable. They should sound like two people who are actually talking to each other, not like two actors reading lines from a script.
  • Add some conflict or tension to the scene. This could be done by having Maddy be more seriously injured, or by having Dalton face some kind of obstacle in trying to help her.
  • Make the scene more relevant to the plot. This could be done by having Maddy and Sam provide Dalton with some information that he needs, or by having them lead him to a new location.



Scene 16 -  A Tough Exterior and a Friendly Stranger: Maddy and Dalton's Lunch Invitation
INT. DINER - DAY
Maddy calls out to cook/owner, PHIL.
MADDY
Phil we need a little help here. Some
ice, a clean towel, maybe a little
Neosporin.
PHIL
You got it Maddy.
41.


DALTON
Maddy?
MADDY
That’s my name. You got one?
For a split second Dalton is ready to give her his usual
schpiel about Joe Ruben, fruit importer, but instead he
blurts out-
DALTON
Dalton Woods.
MADDY
It fits.
DALTON
What fits?
MADDY
Your name. With your face. It fits.
DALTON
And that’s a good thing?
MADDY
Very good.
She takes a closer look at his hand. She flexes the
fingers in her hand.
MADDY
Go like this.
He copies her.
MADDY
Very good. Looks like it’s just going to
be a really bad bruise.
DALTON
You’re a Doctor?
MADDY
Nurse. Well -- used to be. Another life.
Keep ice on it when you can for the next
day or two and it should be fine.
And that’s when their eyes meet for the first time. They
both hold their gaze a little longer than they should, but
there’s just something about her...
And there’s something about Dalton that Maddy can’t quite
put her finger on -- but she can’t do this - freaks.
MADDY
Have a nice life. Come on Sam.
42.


But Dalton can’t let her go, not yet.
DALTON
Let me buy you lunch.
MADDY
Oh you don’t have to do that.
DALTON
I want to. I’ve got some time to kill,
the client I’m supposed to meet is
running a little late. I’m a stranger in
town and could use the company.
MADDY
I don’t-
SAM
Yes.
MADDY
Sam don’t interrupt us-
SAM
I’m hungry.
DALTON
He’s hungry.
MADDY
You’re hungry?
SAM
Starving.
DALTON
He needs food. I’m offering food.
SAM
I’m accepting food.
DALTON
You see how that works? Lets try it with
you. Can I buy you lunch?
She gives in -- SMILES.
SAM
That would be wonderful, thank you.
DALTON
You’re welcome. Now that wasn’t so hard
was it?
MADDY
I’m just not used to it.
43.


DALTON
Eating?
MADDY
People being nice to me.

And that just hangs there between them, catching Dalton a
little off-guard.
DALTON
Well we’re just going to have to work on
that aren’t we?
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In a diner during the day, Maddy, a former nurse with a tough exterior, asks the cook/owner Phil for ice, a clean towel, and Neosporin for Dalton's hand. Dalton, a stranger in town with a friendly demeanor, introduces himself and Maddy compliments his name. Maddy checks Dalton's hand, revealing her nursing experience, and they share a longer-than-usual gaze. Maddy is hesitant to accept Dalton's offer for lunch, but changes her mind after her son, Sam, insists. The scene is friendly and slightly flirtatious, with a hint of vulnerability from Maddy, and ends with Maddy accepting Dalton's invitation to lunch.
Strengths
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot advancement
  • Minimal external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes a sense of intimacy and connection between the characters, setting the stage for potential romantic development. The dialogue is engaging and reveals layers of the characters' personalities.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of two strangers meeting in a diner and forming a connection is a classic but well-executed trope. The scene introduces the potential for a romantic subplot while also hinting at deeper emotional themes.

Plot: 7

The plot in this scene focuses more on character interaction and development rather than advancing the main storyline. It serves as a pivotal moment for character growth and relationship building.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar scenario of strangers meeting in a diner but adds originality through the nuanced interactions, realistic dialogue, and subtle character development. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Dalton and Maddy are well-defined and their interactions feel authentic. Dalton's initial awkwardness and Maddy's guarded vulnerability create a compelling dynamic.

Character Changes: 7

Both Dalton and Maddy experience a subtle shift in their characters during the scene, opening up to each other and showing vulnerability. This sets the stage for potential growth and development in their relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

Maddy's internal goal is to maintain her independence and not let others get too close to her emotionally. This reflects her fear of vulnerability and past experiences that have shaped her guarded nature.

External Goal: 7

Maddy's external goal is to help Dalton with his injured hand and then politely end the interaction. This reflects her desire to maintain boundaries and not get too involved with strangers.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict in this scene is minimal, focusing more on emotional tension and character dynamics rather than external conflicts. The main tension comes from the characters' internal struggles and vulnerabilities.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict between the characters but not overwhelming, allowing for a gradual development of their relationship.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes in this scene are relatively low, focusing more on emotional connection and character development rather than high-stakes action or conflict.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene doesn't significantly advance the main plot, it sets the stage for potential romantic development and deepening of character relationships. It adds depth to the characters and their motivations.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics between the characters, unexpected emotional revelations, and the uncertain outcome of their interaction.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Maddy's self-reliance and Dalton's willingness to offer help and kindness. This challenges Maddy's belief that she doesn't need anyone and highlights Dalton's contrasting value of compassion and connection.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, drawing the audience into the characters' vulnerability and the potential for a deeper connection. It evokes feelings of hope and warmth.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and engaging, revealing the characters' personalities and building a sense of connection between them. It sets the tone for a potential romantic subplot.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the witty banter, emotional tension, and character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the outcome of the interaction.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue, action, and emotional beats to maintain audience interest and drive the character development forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy scene in a screenplay, with clear character names, dialogue cues, and scene descriptions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a character-driven dialogue scene in a drama genre, with clear character motivations, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Dalton and Maddy is a bit forced and unnatural. It doesn't feel like a real conversation between two people who have just met.
  • The scene is too long and drawn-out. It could be shortened by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • The scene doesn't really advance the plot. It's mostly just a filler scene that gives the characters a chance to get to know each other.
  • The characters of Dalton and Maddy are not very well-developed. We don't really learn anything about them or their motivations.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Dalton and Maddy to make it more natural and believable.
  • Shorten the scene by cutting out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action.
  • Add some more conflict to the scene to make it more interesting.
  • Develop the characters of Dalton and Maddy more by giving them more backstory and motivations.



Scene 17 -  Hitmen Prepare for Jobs and Dalton Reveals His Secret Identity
INT. UPSCALE APARTMENT - DAY
TWO YAKUZA HITMEN sit in the middle of the apartment,
meticulously cleaning their WEAPONS, loading mags,
sharpening knives, etc.
A CELL PHONE RINGS. YAKUZA #1 answers. Listens. Smiles.
YAKUZA #1
Got it. Sounds like fun.

INT. DINER/BOOTH - LATER
Dalton, Maddy and Sam sit at a booth enjoying their food.
Dalton is resting his hand on a bag of ice.
DALTON
So what do you do?
MADDY
I work with people.
DALTON
Like a Social Worker?
MADDY
Sort of.
DALTON
Sort of?
MADDY
More of a human resources kind of thing-
DALTON
But you can’t talk about it.
MADDY
Confidentiality agreements.
DALTON
Got it.
44.


INT. BAR - DAY
COWBOY HITMAN (40’s) scarred, sits at the bar drinking a
beer. His CELL RINGS.
COWBOY HITMAN
Listening. It’s gonna’ cost ya’ double.
Last minute and all. I’m on it. No
problem at all. I’ll be in touch.

INT. DINER/BOOTH - DAY
Back to scene.
MADDY
How ‘bout you?
DALTON
I’m a hero for hire. I recover assets,
people, help overthrow governments-
SAM
Kill people.
DALTON
Only when I have to -- and -- we like to
call it neutralizing.
MADDY
Well I’ll sleep easier knowing you’re out
there but -- why are you telling us this?
DALTON
Because I need a brand new day and this
is it. I’m turning over a new leaf.
Making a career change, stepping out.
This is my last job, my final assignment
and then I’m a free man. I can go where I
want go, do what I want to do and just be
myself for once, if I can remember how.
Besides, who would believe you anyway?
MADDY
You’d be surprised what people believe
when I say it.
DALTON
Part of that top secret human resources
thing you got going on?
MADDY
Bingo.
Dalton takes a deep breath and exhales.
45.


DALTON
Whoo! That felt great getting that off my
chest. I haven’t told anyone the truth
about myself in fifteen years, not even
my real name -- my alias is Joe Ruben, I
know it’s terrible-
MADDY
It doesn’t match your face.
DALTON
See -- terrible. I’m the president of
World Fruit Imports out by the airport,
we actually had a great quarter-
MADDY
With killing or kiwi?
DALTON
Dates mostly. Nectarines. I just got the
exclusive rights to a hybrid that’ll
knock your socks off. Really excited
about the crop out of Chile. They’re
mostly known for cherries and off-season
strawberries but we’re going to change
the way people thing about Chilean fruit.
(off her confused look)
I’m rambling, sorry. Does telling the
truth always feel this good?
SAM
How would she know?
Maddy kicks Sam under the table, silencing him.
MADDY
Eat your lunch.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Crime"]

Summary Two Yakuza hitmen and a cowboy hitman are seen preparing for their jobs, while at a diner, Dalton, Maddy, and Sam have a conversation about their jobs and identities. Dalton reveals his true identity as a 'hero for hire' and shares his plans to make a career change. Maddy, who works in confidential human resources, listens and shares her own secretive job. The scene is tense and serious, with moments of humor and relief, and ends with Dalton feeling relieved to have shared his secret with Maddy and Sam.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character development
  • Revealing character motivations
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be too expository
  • Lack of external action or conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written with a good balance of action, character development, and dialogue. It keeps the audience engaged and sets up intriguing plot points.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a mercenary revealing his true identity and intentions in a diner setting is unique and adds depth to the character. It also sets up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Dalton decides to make a career change and reveals his plans to retire after one last job. This decision adds tension and sets up future events.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the hitman genre by focusing on the protagonist's desire for honesty and redemption. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the familiar criminal underworld setting.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Dalton and Maddy, are well-developed and show vulnerability and complexity. Their interactions reveal layers of their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 8

Dalton undergoes a significant change by deciding to retire and reveal his true identity. This decision sets him on a new path and opens up possibilities for character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to reveal his true identity and intentions to the other characters. This reflects his desire for honesty, freedom, and a fresh start in his life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to complete his final assignment as a hitman and then retire to start a new life. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in transitioning from a life of crime to a life of honesty and freedom.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a subtle conflict in Dalton's internal struggle to reveal his true identity and intentions. This conflict adds depth to the scene and sets up potential external conflicts.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and challenge the protagonist's goals, but not overwhelming to the point of predictability. The audience is left wondering how the characters will navigate the obstacles they face.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderate as Dalton reveals his plans to retire and make a career change. This decision could have significant consequences for the characters and the story.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing Dalton's intentions and setting up future events. It adds depth to the plot and characters, keeping the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelations and twists in the protagonist's story. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the characters' interactions will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's struggle between his past as a hitman and his desire for a new beginning. This challenges his beliefs about identity, honesty, and redemption.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a moderate emotional impact as Dalton opens up about his past and future plans. It creates a sense of empathy and connection with the characters.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is engaging, revealing, and adds depth to the characters. It drives the scene forward and keeps the audience interested in the unfolding story.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of suspense, mystery, and character development. The dialogue and actions of the characters draw the audience in and create a sense of anticipation and intrigue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, allowing for moments of character development and introspection, and maintaining a sense of momentum and progression in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and characters. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Dalton and Maddy feels somewhat forced and unnatural. The way Dalton reveals his secret identity as a 'hero for hire' and his plans to make a career change seems abrupt and lacks a smooth transition.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or tension. The characters seem to be simply exchanging information without any significant obstacles or challenges.
  • The character of Sam, Maddy's son, is not fleshed out and his role in the scene is limited. He could be used more effectively to add depth to Maddy's character or to create a dynamic between the three characters.
  • The scene's pacing feels a bit slow and could benefit from some streamlining. The conversation between Dalton and Maddy could be condensed and made more concise to maintain the reader's engagement.
  • The ending of the scene is somewhat anticlimactic and leaves the reader without a strong sense of resolution. Consider adding a hook or a twist at the end to leave the reader wanting more.
Suggestions
  • Explore the characters' motivations and emotions more deeply. What drives Dalton to reveal his secret identity and what are his fears and hopes for the future? How does Maddy react to this revelation and what does it mean for her own life?
  • Introduce a conflict or obstacle that the characters must overcome. This could be an external threat or an internal struggle within Dalton or Maddy.
  • Develop Sam's character and give him a more active role in the scene. He could ask questions, challenge Dalton's assumptions, or provide a different perspective on the situation.
  • Tighten the dialogue and remove any unnecessary lines or repetitions. Focus on creating natural and engaging conversations that advance the plot and reveal the characters' personalities.
  • Consider ending the scene on a more impactful note. This could involve a sudden revelation, a cliffhanger, or a decision that sets the stage for future events.



Scene 18 -  Unveiled Similarities: A Hitman and a Mysterious Woman's Shared Thrill
EXT. CENTRAL PARK - DAY
GRANDPA HITMAN (60) sits on a park bench in the middle of
Central Park watching his GRANDDAUGHTER play with her
friends. His BLACKBERRY vibrates. He checks the incoming
text. Smiles, pleased with what he sees. Types a quick
reply. Calls out to his granddaughter.
GRANDPA HITMAN
Amanda sweetie, we have to go.

INT. DINER/BOOTH - DAY
Back to scene.
MADDY
So how do you do it?
46.


DALTON
Do what?
MADDY
Your job. How does it work? Your real job
I mean. You just walk up and shoot the
bad guy? Noooo, you make it look like an
accident.
DALTON
Someone watches way too much television.
SAM
Worse. Reality television.
DALTON
How does it work? Well, say like on this
assignment.
MADDY
Your last hurrah.
DALTON
My last hurrah, yes, I know the target’s
name, where they work, what they do for a
living, where they live, where their
family and friends live. Where they eat
lunch, the route they take home, the kind
of car they drive, where they stop for
gas, which toll booth they like to drive
through. Every stop they make, every
person they talk to, every person who
talks to them, who owes them money, who
they owe money to. Any vices they may
have and indiscretions they may have
made. I know what they read, what they
watch, their medical history, how many
breaths they take during the day.
MADDY
So -- everything.
DALTON
Knowledge is power, it gives me an edge,
an upper hand. If I know every move that
my target has made in the past, I can
predict the move they’ll make when they
try to hide or run from me or -- you know
-- try to kill me.
Maddy knows exactly what he’s talking about. The thrill of
the chase.
MADDY
You find their weakness, what makes them
tick, the one thing that they’re afraid
of someone finding out or losing and you-
47.


DALTON/MADDY
Exploit it.
DALTON
You use it to isolate the target.
MADDY
Manipulate them into going to a location
that you control.
DALTON
They’re out of their element.
MADDY
You’re totally in yours.
DALTON
And then you-
MADDY
Spring the trap.
DALTON
The target is completely caught off
guard, no back-up, no plan B, no escape-
MADDY
No chance.
DALTON
Which means no struggle. You got them and
they know it. Game-
DALTON/MADDY
Over.
DALTON
It never fails.
MADDY
No it doesn’t.
A long beat hangs between them as they both realize just
how alike they really are. They share a smile.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Crime","Drama"]

Summary In a diner, Dalton, a hitman, explains to Maddy, a woman with a mysterious past, how he gathers information and executes his targets, comparing it to a hunt. Maddy, who shares similar traits, understands the thrill of the chase. They both realize their similarities, hinting at a potential moral conflict for Maddy, and share a knowing smile as Sam, a silent friend of Maddy, looks on.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character development
  • Intriguing concept
Weaknesses
  • Lack of direct conflict
  • Limited physical action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, providing valuable insight into the main character's profession and building a strong connection between Dalton and Maddy. The dialogue is sharp and informative, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring the detailed process of a mercenary's job and the psychological aspects of manipulation and control is intriguing and well-executed. It adds depth to the characters and the overall narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Dalton reveals his plans for retirement after one last job, setting the stage for potential conflict and resolution. The scene also introduces Maddy as a character with a secretive job, adding layers to the storyline.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the hitman genre by focusing on the psychological aspects of the protagonist's job and his relationships with others. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Dalton and Maddy are well-developed through their dialogue and interactions, showcasing their intelligence, wit, and shared understanding of their respective professions. Their chemistry drives the scene forward.

Character Changes: 6

While there is no significant character change in this scene, the interaction between Dalton and Maddy hints at potential growth and development for both characters as they navigate their respective paths.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to explain and justify his job as a hitman to his companions. This reflects his need for validation and understanding of his morally ambiguous profession.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to share his expertise and knowledge with his companions, showcasing his skills and experience in his field.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

While there is no direct conflict in this scene, the underlying tension between Dalton and Maddy as they discuss their jobs and future plans creates a sense of anticipation and potential conflict to come.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing moral dilemmas and conflicting values that create tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as Dalton reveals his intention to retire after one last job, hinting at potential dangers and challenges ahead. The scene sets the stage for high-stakes confrontations and decisions in the future.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key information about the characters' backgrounds, motivations, and future plans. It sets the stage for upcoming conflicts and resolutions, driving the narrative towards its climax.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected depth and complexity of the protagonist's character and the moral ambiguity of his profession.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the moral ambiguity of the protagonist's profession. The discussion of manipulation and exploitation challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values, as well as those of the other characters.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of intrigue and curiosity as the characters reveal more about themselves and their intentions. The shared understanding between Dalton and Maddy adds emotional depth to the narrative.

Dialogue: 10

The dialogue is the standout element of the scene, providing crucial information about the characters, their motivations, and the intricacies of their jobs. It is sharp, engaging, and reveals the depth of the characters' personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense dialogue, the moral dilemmas presented, and the dynamic between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense through the dialogue and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The dialogue is a bit wooden and unnatural. It feels like the characters are just talking to each other to move the plot forward, rather than having a natural conversation.
  • The scene is too long. It could be cut down by about a third without losing any of the important information.
  • The scene doesn't really go anywhere. It starts with Dalton explaining how he does his job, then Maddy starts talking about how she does her job, and then they both realize that they're alike. But there's no real conflict or resolution to the scene.
  • The scene is a bit too self-aware. The characters seem to be aware that they're in a movie, and they talk about their jobs in a way that's a bit too meta.
  • The scene is a bit too predictable. We can guess from the beginning that Maddy is also a hitman, and that she and Dalton will eventually team up.
  • The scene is a bit too violent. There's a lot of talk about killing and violence, which can be off-putting to some readers.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and conversational.
  • Cut down the scene by about a third, removing any unnecessary dialogue or exposition.
  • Add some conflict or resolution to the scene. For example, Maddy could try to kill Dalton, or Dalton could try to arrest Maddy.
  • Tone down the self-awareness of the characters. Let them talk about their jobs in a more natural way.
  • Make the scene less predictable. For example, Maddy could turn out to be a good guy, or Dalton could turn out to be a bad guy.
  • Tone down the violence in the scene. There doesn't need to be so much talk about killing and violence.



Scene 19 -  Dalton's Dilemma: A Secret Agent's Search for Normalcy
INT. SPORTS STADIUM - DAY
An ULTIMATE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIP match. TWO FIGHTERS
trade blow after blow, shadows of each other, both
fighting to the death.
But the smaller of the two suddenly gets the upper hand
and SLAMS his bigger opponent into the fence and then onto
the floor.
DING, DING, DING! He wins. The SMALLER FIGHTER steps out
of the ring as his trainer hands him his phone.
48.


SMALLER FIGHTER
Yeah.
(big smile)
Hell I’ll do that for free. I won’t let
you down. Twenty-four hours it is.

INT. DINER/BOOTH - DAY

Back to scene.

MADDY
So why now?

DALTON
I don’t know, guess I have to grow up
sometime. I woke up this morning and
realized that I don’t want to wake up
twenty years from now all alone. And I
could use a little normal in my life for
a change.

MADDY
Normal isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

DALTON
Well I’m willing to give it a try.
Problem is I’ve done this suave playboy
secret agent bit for so long -- living
this lie -- I don’t know how to be... ME.

MADDY
You just need to find the right woman.

DALTON
You think?

MADDY
I know. Straighten you right out.

An with that their eyes lock and they both hold their gaze
a little longer then they probably should.

He smiles.

DALTON
You might be on to something.

She blushes, suddenly self-conscious. Tries to cover...

MADDY
So -- career change -- what can a guy
with your skill set do outside of -- what
you do now?
49.


DALTON
I have no Idea.
MADDY
Well at least you’ve thought it through.
DALTON
Because I don’t need to have an idea.
I’ve made all the money I’ll ever need.
That got her attention. She leans in closer. So does Sam.
MADDY/SAM
Do tell.
DALTON
With risk comes reward. I work in an
extremely high risk environment so the
rewards-
SAM
- Are high.
MADDY
How high?
DALTON
Extremely high.
MADDY
Like never have to work again a day in
your life high?
DALTON
Higher.
MADDY
I’m liking this no idea idea a lot more.
DALTON
Grows on you doesn’t it? Oh and it’s tax
free. I’ve got a little account in the
Cayman Islands that’s off the grid and
under the radar. Nobody knows it’s there
but me.
MADDY/SAM
When do we leave?
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Romance"]

Summary In a diner booth, Dalton, a suave playboy secret agent, reveals his desire to leave his current lifestyle and find normalcy to Maddy and Sam. Maddy playfully suggests he find the right woman, and Dalton implies that he has made a lot of money in his current line of work. The tone is light-hearted and playful, with a hint of seriousness as Dalton reveals his inner conflict. The scene ends with Maddy and Sam expressing interest in Dalton's proposition, leaving the audience curious about what will happen next.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character depth and development
  • Intriguing concept
Weaknesses
  • Lack of overt conflict
  • Potential for cliched romance subplot

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines action, introspection, and hints of romance, creating a compelling and engaging narrative. The dialogue is well-crafted and reveals depth in the characters' motivations and emotions.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a seasoned mercenary considering a career change and seeking a more normal life is intriguing and adds layers to the character. The potential romance subplot adds depth and complexity to the storyline.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the main character, Dalton, reveals his desire for change and hints at a potential shift in his life. The introduction of Maddy and her mysterious background adds intrigue and sets the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the trope of a tough fighter transitioning to a more ordinary life, with a focus on character development and emotional depth. The dialogue feels authentic and engaging, adding originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Dalton and Maddy, are well-developed and show vulnerability, complexity, and potential for growth. Their interactions and dialogue reveal depth and hint at future character arcs.

Character Changes: 7

The main character, Dalton, shows signs of potential change as he expresses his desire for a career shift and a more normal life. The introduction of Maddy and the potential romantic connection hint at further character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to find a sense of normalcy and authenticity in his life after living a lie as a suave playboy secret agent. He desires to discover his true self and connect with someone who can help him do so.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to explore career options outside of his current high-risk environment and financial security. He is considering a career change and is intrigued by the idea of not having to work again.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is not overt conflict in this scene, there is internal conflict within the main character as he grapples with the decision to change his life. The potential for external conflict is hinted at with the introduction of Maddy and her mysterious background.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, particularly in the protagonist's internal struggle between risk and reward. The audience is unsure of how he will navigate his career change and personal growth.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not explicitly high in this scene, the potential for significant changes in the main character's life and the introduction of a mysterious new character hint at future high-stakes developments.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by revealing the main character's inner conflict, desire for change, and potential for a new direction in his life. The introduction of Maddy and hints of romance set the stage for future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected shift in the protagonist's career goals and the revelation of his hidden financial security. The audience is left wondering about his future choices and the implications of his decisions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's struggle between living a life of risk and reward versus seeking normalcy and authenticity. This challenges his beliefs about identity, purpose, and fulfillment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes emotions of hope, vulnerability, and introspection as the main character reveals his desire for change and potential for a new beginning. The hints of romance add a layer of emotional depth.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging, revealing character motivations, emotions, and hints of romance. It effectively conveys the inner conflict of the main character and sets the tone for future interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mix of intense action, emotional depth, and witty banter between characters. The audience is drawn into the protagonist's journey and invested in his internal and external struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action sequences and dialogue-driven moments that maintain momentum and build tension. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and descriptive elements that enhance visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a balance of action and dialogue, effectively conveying the protagonist's internal and external conflicts. It maintains a cohesive flow and transitions smoothly between different settings.


Critique
  • The dialogue in the scene is well-written and engaging. The characters are interesting and their motivations are clear.
  • The scene is well-paced and the action is exciting. The reader is kept on the edge of their seat throughout.
  • The setting is well-described and the reader can easily visualize the scene.
  • The scene is a good example of how to write a tense and exciting action scene.
Suggestions
  • One suggestion would be to add more detail to the setting. This would help the reader to better visualize the scene and to feel more immersed in the story.
  • Another suggestion would be to add more description to the characters. This would help the reader to better understand the characters and to connect with them on a deeper level.
  • Finally, one suggestion would be to add more dialogue to the scene. This would help to make the scene more dynamic and to keep the reader engaged.



Scene 20 -  Dalton's Fateful Last Assignment and an Unexpected Encounter
EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREETS - DAY

A MOTORCYCLE COP parked at the curb, talking on the phone.
50.


MOTORCYCLE COP
You gotta’ be kiddin’ me. Retired?
(beat)
It’ll be my pleasure.

He hangs up. Smiles as he slips on his sunglasses and
peels away from the curb.


INT. DINER/BOOTH - DAY
Dalton is laughing. Checks his watch. Looks outside. Sees
what he’s been waiting for.
DALTON
This is exactly what I needed. Good
conversation. A laugh. Thanks so much but
unfortunately I have to run. I don’t want
to mess up my last assignment, you always
want to go out strong-
MADDY
Please -- go, don’t worry about us.
DALTON
We should do this again sometime.
SAM
I’m in.
MADDY
Give me your phone. I’ll put my number in
it real quick.
He gives her his phone. She snaps a picture of herself and
Sam for the phone book and quickly types in her number.
MADDY
So call us, when you’re done saving the
world, a country -- cat. Whatever.
DALTON
I will. This was nice. I don’t usually
have time for nice.

MADDY
Well I guess we’re just going to have to
work on that.
He reaches for his wallet. Can’t find it.
MADDY
Oh, shoot, here it is, you -- dropped it,
when we were... and I was trying to-
She pulls it out of her bag and hands it to him. Sam rolls
his eyes. Dalton notices. Strange.
51.


DALTON
Thanks..
He throws down some cash for the bill. Gets up to leave.
Turns back.
DALTON
Can I get my camera?
MADDY
Your camera?
DALTON
When you helped me with my hand you
slipped it into your bag to -- you know --
hold it for me and--
MADDY
-- Oh my God, forgot all about that, let
me just-
DALTON
No big deal.
MADDY
I’m so embarrassed. You must think I’m
some kind of klepto.
DALTON
Please, you’ve done so much for me.

She hands him the camera.
MADDY
Here you go.
DALTON
Thanks.
Their eyes lock. For the first time they look into each
other’s eyes -- and there’s something there.
DALTON
Nice meeting you. You too Sam.
SAM
You’re pretty cool.
DALTON
Well so are you.
SAM
I know.
MADDY
We had a great time. Thanks again.
Dalton turns and heads to the front door.
52.


DALTON
Thanks for the ice Phil.
PHIL
Anytime.

Dalton reaches the front door. Turns back to Maddy and
Sam, who are laughing about something. It’s a nice
moment.

DALTON
(to himself)
Maybe I just need to meet the right
woman.
He smiles. Steps out onto the sidewalk when suddenly-
BOOM! A TAXI CAB in front of the diner EXPLODES, launching
Dalton back through the plate-glass front window of the
diner.
Everyone dives for cover from the rolling cloud of fire,
smoke and glass.
Dalton hits the floor hard on his back and skids to a stop
at the feet of Maddy and Sam. OUT COLD. BLACK SOOT all
over his face.
LATER -- CLOSE ON DALTON as Maddy tries to bring him
around.
MADDY
Dalton. Dalton, wake up!
His eyes blink open. Looks around.
DALTON
Where am I?
(Rubs his head, groggy)
And why do you keep calling me Dalton? My
name is Joe. Joe Ruben.
Maddy and Sam share a look -- BINGO -- and a smile.
MADDY
Of course it is - JOE.
Phil is standing behind them. Shakes his head.
PHIL
I’ll get more ice.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Romance","Comedy"]

Summary A motorcycle cop is happy about a colleague's retirement. Dalton, on his final assignment, shares a friendly chat with Maddy and Sam in a diner. However, he forgets his wallet, which Maddy returns along with his camera. Suddenly, a taxi explodes, sending Dalton through the window and knocking him out. Maddy tries to wake him, but he introduces himself as Joe Ruben, marking a surprising turn of events.
Strengths
  • Engaging mix of genres
  • Unexpected twist with the explosion
  • Dynamic character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Slight lack of character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, with a mix of action, humor, and romance that keeps the audience interested. The unexpected explosion adds a twist that raises the stakes and creates suspense.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a chance encounter between two characters, leading to a series of events that culminate in an explosion, is unique and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot is well-developed, with a clear progression of events that lead to the unexpected explosion. The introduction of the characters and their interactions build tension and set the stage for the climax.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on a familiar setting by introducing unexpected events and character dynamics, making it feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their interactions are engaging. The dynamic between Dalton, Maddy, and Sam is interesting and adds depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, the interactions between Dalton, Maddy, and Sam hint at potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to find connection and meaning in his interactions with others, as seen in his desire for good conversation and the realization that he may need to meet the right woman.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to complete his last assignment successfully and leave a good impression on the people he meets at the diner.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene arises from the unexpected explosion, which adds a sense of danger and urgency to the situation.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, adding depth to the characters' struggles and motivations.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are raised with the unexpected explosion, putting the characters in a dangerous and uncertain situation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new characters, establishing relationships, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden explosion and the unexpected turn of events that challenge the characters' goals and beliefs.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's perception of time and the importance of meaningful interactions in a fast-paced world.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from humor to suspense to surprise, keeping the audience engaged.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is natural and helps to develop the characters and their relationships. The banter between Dalton, Maddy, and Sam is entertaining and reveals more about each character.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, drama, and suspense, keeping the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and suspense that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a character-driven interaction, with clear dialogue and action beats that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene is missing a clear direction and purpose. It starts with Dalton leaving the diner, but then suddenly an explosion happens and he's knocked unconscious. This creates a disjointed and confusing experience for the reader.
  • The dialogue is somewhat awkward and unnatural, especially Maddy and Sam's enthusiastic response to Dalton's proposition in the previous scene. It feels forced and out of character for them to be so eager to leave their current lives and join Dalton on his adventures.
  • The scene lacks tension and suspense. The explosion happens suddenly and without much buildup, and it's unclear what the stakes are for Dalton, Maddy, and Sam. This makes it difficult for the reader to feel invested in their situation.
  • The character development is minimal. Dalton, Maddy, and Sam remain relatively static throughout the scene, and there's little opportunity for them to grow or change.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Dalton falling unconscious, leaving the reader with more questions than answers. This can be frustrating and unsatisfying for the reader.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a clearer focus on Dalton's mission and the stakes involved. Establish what he's trying to achieve and why it's important.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable. Maddy and Sam should have their own motivations and desires, and their response to Dalton's proposition should be more nuanced.
  • Add some tension and suspense to the scene by building up to the explosion. Foreshadow the danger that Dalton, Maddy, and Sam are in, and make the explosion a more impactful event.
  • Give Dalton, Maddy, and Sam more opportunities to develop as characters. Explore their motivations, fears, and relationships with each other.
  • End the scene with a more satisfying conclusion. Resolve the immediate threat that Dalton, Maddy, and Sam are facing, and leave the reader with a sense of closure and anticipation for what's to come.



Scene 21 -  Maddy Fights to Save Dalton and Sam from Danger
EXT. NEW YORK/STREETS- DAY
As an AMBULANCE bobs and weaves through traffic.
53.


INT. AMBULANCE (MOVING) - DAY
Dalton is strapped to a gurney. Maddy and Sam sit on one
side of the ambulance as a PARAMEDIC works on Dalton.
DALTON’S POV As he tries to focus. Soft fuzzy shapes in
front of him become Maddy and Sam. Concerned looks.
MADDY
Oh thank God, he’s waking up.
Dalton is groggy. Rubs his head.
DALTON
Where am I?
MADDY
You’re in a Ambulance sweetie. There was
an accident -- an explosion. You were
blown through a window and hit your head
pretty hard. Do you remember anything?
What happened? Where you work? Where
you live?

SAM
(under his breath)
Your bank account number.

Then it hits him. He remembers.

DALTON
Wait a minute I...

Maddy leans in.

MADDY
Yes...

He’s got it.

DALTON
My name is Joe Ruben.

She sits back, deflated.

MADDY
Yeah... Got that part.

Dalton struggles to lift his head up, desperately trying
to bring things into focus. It isn’t working.

He looks straight at Maddy. Smiles. Does he recognize
her?
54.


DALTON
Who are you?
MADDY
(don’t be silly)
Honey I’m Maddy. Your fiance.
DALTON
Fiance?

Maddy and Sam share a smile. She motions him to move in.
Sam leans over and throws his arms around Dalton, pulling
himself in close.
SAM
I’m so glad you’re OK Dad.
MADDY
Easy honey, your father’s been through a
lot.
PARAMEDIC
You’re going to have to stay in your seat
son.
DALTON
Wait... I’m a Father?
MADDY
This is Sam. Our son.
DALTON
But we’re not ---?
MADDY
I’ll explain everything later. You need
your rest. And we are not going on our
trip until the doctors say you are good
and ready, I don’t want a repeat of what
happened in Jamaica.
(to Paramedic)
He got so sunburned the first day. Did he
listen to me about the sunscreen? NO. So
he ends up sitting at the bar playing
pool with the other sunburned men for the
next two days.
DALTON
Trip? What trip?
MADDY
The Cayman Islands -- our favorite place
in the whole world. Where else would we
celebrate?
DALTON
Celebrate...?
55.


MADDY
Our engagement. You really did bang your
head.
Dalton suddenly looks nauseous, the color flushes from his
face.
DALTON
And it really hurts.
(to Paramedic)
Have there always been two of you?

PARAMEDIC
Just the one.
DALTON
Then can you ask your buddy to stop
moving, he’s making me nauseous.
MADDY
Just relax sweetie, I know it’s a lot to
remember, we’ll just... ease into it.
DALTON
There are people trying to blow me up.
How am I supposed to ease into that?

SAM
Man’s got a point.

MADDY
You’re not helping.
The Paramedic clicks on a small flashlight and shines it
into Dalton’s eyes.
PARAMEDIC
Mr. Ruben I need to you to look straight
up at the ceiling. The explosion may have
caused a contusion to your frontal lobe
and some minor hemorrhaging at the base
of the skull causing the post traumatic
amnesia. Some things you’ll remember-
DALTON
Like who I am-
PARAMEDIC
Where you live, where you work, while
completely forgetting loved ones, family
members, past experiences-
MADDY
Fiances-
56.


PARAMEDIC
Fiances. You’re suffering from retrograde
amnesia so everything prior to the
explosion is going to be spotty. Good
news is your memories should all come
back to you.
MADDY
When?
DOCTOR
Could be a few days, could be a few
weeks, once we get the scans we’ll know
more.
DALTON
That’s a relief.
MADDY
See -- what did I tell you?
DALTON
I don’t remember, remember?

Maddy and Sam share a look. He really doesn’t remember.
MADDY
I said everything will be just fine and
not to worry. I’m here for you.

SAM
WE’RE, here for you.
She takes Dalton’s hand.

MADDY
Isn’t he the sweetest?
DALTON
Thank you... ummmmm...
MADDY
Maddy.
DALTON
How could I forget such a beautiful name?

MADDY
Awwww...
PARAMEDIC
I’m gonna’ give you a little something
for the pain along with a sedative to
help you relax. It’s going to make you a
little groggy so make sure you don’t do
any driving for the next several hours.
57.


DALTON
(re: the gurney)
I don’t think I’m going anywhere.
PARAMEDIC
Good point.
WE MOVE THROUGH the Ambulance to the driver’s seat to find
MR. CLEAN behind the wheel, a knowing smile creeping
across his face.
MR. CLEAN
(to himself)
No you’re not.
The Paramedic readies TWO LARGE NEEDLES. He grabs TWO
VIALS from his pocket. He doesn’t realize Maddy is
watching every move he makes.
Maddy quickly assesses the situation. Her, Sam and Dalton
with one Paramedic. One Driver. Three against two
travelling at 60 miles an hour in heavy traffic.
The Paramedic moves to make the first injection.
PARAMEDIC
This is only gonna’ hurt for a second and
then it’ll all be over.
He moves the needle over Dalton’s arm when-
MADDY
For you.
WHACK! Maddy elbows him in the face. Quickly grabs the
needle from his hand and jams it into the Paramedic’s leg.
Pumps the serum into him.
PARAMEDIC
Ahhh!
The Paramedic collapses to the floor and starts to
convulse, shaking violently.
SAM
Mom!
MADDY
Get down honey!
DALTON
What the hell are you doing?
MADDY
Saving your life. He wasn’t giving you a
sedative.
58.


The Paramedic suddenly stops flailing. Dead.
DALTON
I can see that.
MADDY
You really pissed somebody off.
DALTON
I sell fruit. Who would want to kill me?

SAM
Apparently quite a few people.

Mr. Clean spins into the back of the ambulance, gun raised
high and crisp. Finger tightened on the trigger when-
MR. CLEAN
Like me.
Sam grabs the gun and shoves it upwards as BAM! The gun
goes off and-
BLOWS OFF THE HANDLE OF THE BACK DOOR. Both doors swing
open, revealing a sea of speeding traffic behind them.
Maddy grabs the second hypodermic needle and jams it into
Mr. Clean’s neck.
His eyes roll into the back of his head and he slams
against the steering wheel, causing the ambulance to
pinball down the street, smashing into car after car as it
zig zags through traffic.
His gun falls onto Dalton’s chest, the barrel pointing
right at Dalton’s face. Dalton’s eyes go wide. A little
panicked.
DALTON
Maddy? Gun.
Mr. Clean grabs the steering wheel but his vision is
completely blurred. This is not going to end well.
DALTON
I don’t know if that was such a great
idea.
MADDY
You’re alive aren’t you?
DALTON
Fair enough.
MADDY
Thought so. Sam are you-
59.


SAM
I’m good, but we need to bail, like now.
WHAM! The Ambulance swerves onto the sidewalk as PASSERSBY
dive for cover.
DALTON
Unstrap me!
Maddy searches the gurney, trying to figure out how to
undo the straps.
MADDY
Working on it.

BAM! The ambulance slams up against a truck, bounces off
and skids to the other side of the street, tossing Maddy
and Sam to the floor.
But then Sam sees it. A T-SHAPED RED HANDLE sticking out
of the floor.
SAM
Got it!
MADDY
Honey I don’t think that’s-
But before she can finish Sam pulls the handle, which
releases the latch that’s holding the gurney to the floor
of the ambulance.
MADDY
- It...
The gurney starts rolling towards the back door.
DALTON
Definitely not it.
BAM! The ambulance slams into another car and careens back
across the street.
The gurney is almost at the back door. Dalton desperately
tries to free his hands so he can stop himself but it’s
not working.
DALTON
Little help here!
MADDY
(to Sam)
Hop on!
DALTON
Hop on?
60.


Sam leaps on top of Dalton, straddling him with his legs.
MADDY
Sorry ‘bout this.
And then Maddy does the same, almost sitting on the gun.
DALTON
Watch the gun. Watch the gun!
Mr. Clean, now unconscious, slumps against the dashboard,
putting all his weight on the gas pedal. The Ambulance
launches forward, completely out of control and right
towards the busy intersection.
MADDY’S POV of the lights up ahead. GREEN. YELLOW. RED.
She looks through the passenger side window and sees a
TRACTOR/TRAILER barreling right towards the intersection
on a collision course with them.
She looks down at the large OXYGEN TANK strapped to
Dalton’s gurney. Quickly grabs the fire extinguisher off
the wall, raises it high above her head and-
MADDY
Hold on!
DALTON
Oh, I think that’s a bad idea...
- SLAMS THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER down onto the OXYGEN TANK
and SMASHES the CONTROL VALVE right off the tank.
Big BURST OF GAS. INSTANT ROCKET SLED.
MADDY
And we’re off.
SAM
Whoooo!
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Comedy"]

Summary In this tense and action-packed scene, Dalton wakes up in an ambulance after an explosion with amnesia. Maddy, his fiancee, and Sam, their son, try to help him, while a paramedic and Mr. Clean, an enemy, attempt to harm them. After a physical fight, Maddy successfully disarms Mr. Clean, kills the paramedic, and launches the ambulance away from danger, saving Dalton and Sam. The scene takes place in the streets of New York during the day and includes significant visual elements such as the chaotic streets and the interior of the moving ambulance.
Strengths
  • Innovative escape plan
  • Fast-paced action
  • Humorous dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Slightly unrealistic escape scenario

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, blending action, humor, and suspense effectively. The unique escape plan and the unexpected turn of events keep the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using an oxygen tank and fire extinguisher to create a rocket sled for escape is innovative and adds a thrilling element to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot is fast-paced and full of twists and turns, driving the action forward and keeping the audience engaged.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its unconventional premise, unexpected plot developments, and quirky character interactions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show resourcefulness and quick thinking in a high-pressure situation, adding depth to their personalities.

Character Changes: 6

The characters adapt to the chaotic situation but do not undergo significant personal growth in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to regain his memory and understand his identity amidst the chaos and confusion. This reflects his deeper need for stability and security, as well as his fear of the unknown and vulnerability.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to survive the dangerous situation he finds himself in and protect his family from harm. This reflects the immediate challenge of escaping from the threats posed by the paramedic and Mr. Clean.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is intense and drives the characters to make split-second decisions to survive.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with multiple external threats and obstacles that the protagonist must overcome. The audience is kept in suspense, unsure of how the characters will navigate the dangerous situation.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters are in a life-threatening situation with danger closing in on them.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by putting the characters in a dire situation and forcing them to come up with a creative escape plan.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of its unexpected plot twists, sudden reversals of fortune, and surprising character choices. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the value of family and loyalty versus self-preservation and survival. The protagonist must balance his desire to protect his loved ones with the need to ensure his own safety.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, including tension, excitement, and amusement.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is witty and adds humor to the intense situation, showcasing the characters' personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced action, and dynamic character interactions. The audience is drawn into the suspenseful situation and invested in the protagonist's journey.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted, with a balance of action, dialogue, and description that keeps the story moving forward at a brisk pace. The rhythm of the scene adds to its intensity and excitement.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue cues. The visual descriptions and scene directions enhance the reader's understanding of the action.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a traditional format for action sequences, with a clear setup, escalating tension, and a climactic resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building suspense and engaging the audience.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Dalton waking up in an ambulance after an explosion and has amnesia. He doesn't recognize Maddy, his fiancee, or Sam, his son. This is a strong start to the scene as it immediately grabs the reader's attention and sets up the conflict for the rest of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Dalton and Maddy is well-written and believable. Maddy's attempts to convince Dalton that he is her fiance are both funny and heartwarming.
  • The scene is well-paced and keeps the reader engaged throughout. There is a good balance between action and dialogue.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt, but it is effective in leaving the reader wanting more.
  • The fight scene between Maddy and Mr. Clean is exciting and well- choreographed. It is clear that Maddy is a skilled fighter and that she is willing to do whatever it takes to protect Dalton and Sam.
Suggestions
  • One way to improve the scene would be to add more details about the setting. Where exactly is the ambulance taking Dalton? What does the inside of the ambulance look like?
  • Another way to improve the scene would be to add more character development for Maddy and Sam. What are their motivations? What are their fears?
  • Finally, the scene could be improved by adding more suspense. The reader should be on the edge of their seat wondering what will happen next.



Scene 22 -  Escape through Central Park: A Thrilling Ride on a Makeshift Sled
EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREETS - DAY
The gurney LAUNCHES out of the back of the ambulance, the
wheels spring down and it lands just as-
KABOOM! The truck T-BONES THE AMBULANCE, sending it
bouncing and flipping across the street.
SAM
Yes!
MADDY
Moms kick ass!
61.


DALTON
Quick question.
Maddy is pumped up and loving herself right now.
MADDY
Bring it.
DALTON
How are we gonna’ stop?
Maddy turns back to see that they’re rocketing towards A
WAVE of oncoming traffic.
Her smile vanishes.
MADDY
Hadn’t really thought about that...
DALTON
Didn’t think so. LEAN!
TIRES SCREECH. HORNS BLARE. The gurney ZIGS. The gurney
ZAGS. Slipping between panicked motorists doing whatever
they have to not to hit the gurney rocket sled scorching
towards them.
They ZIG again. They ZAG again. And then they ZIG right
into-

EXT. CENTRAL PARK - DAY
- full of afternoon strollers, bicyclists, mimes, clowns
and dogs.
DALTON
Find the brakes yet?
MADDY
Still looking.
DALTON
Just checking.

Maddy takes in the trees whooshing past them.

MADDY
I love the park this time of year. So
beautiful.
Sam points off into the distance.
SAM
Mom!
62.


She sees it. So does Dalton. Our MOTORCYCLE COP racing
towards them.
MADDY
Thank God.
But Dalton sees it.
DALTON
I wouldn’t thank him yet.
Maddy turns back to see the Motorcycle Cop drawing his
weapon and taking aim -- AT THEM.
MADDY
He’s not here to help us is he?
DALTON
I’m gonna’ say no.
Dalton finally frees his hand and grabs the gun off his
chest. Instinct kicking in.
DALTON
Sam, move!
Sam slips to one side of the gurney, leaving Dalton with a
clear eye-line of the Motorcycle Cop.
MADDY’S POV of the LAKE and the BOATHOUSE quickly
approaching.
DALTON’S POV of the Motorcycle Cop closing in on them.
MADDY
Joe?
DALTON
Maddy...
The gurney starts to swerve, hooking a left straight
towards the bridge that crosses over the lake.

MADDY
Sam?
SAM
Mom!
MADDY/DALTON/SAM
HOLD ON!
The gurney HITS THE SLOPED RAILING OF THE BRIDGE and-
TAKES FLIGHT.
63.


The Motorcycle Cop OPENS FIRE, shredding the ground where
the gurney WAS.
Dalton OPENS FIRE, exploding the front tire of the
motorcycle, sending the Cop and motorcycle cart-wheeling
into a row of picnic tables.
BACK TO THE GURNEY, sailing, no SOARING, over the lake in
a beautiful slow-motion arc. Then it suddenly DROPS OUT OF
THE SKY like a rock, splashing down in the middle of the
lake, sending a huge wall of water shooting off to both
sides in its wake.
CLOSE ON DALTON floating in the middle of the lake, Maddy
and Sam on top of him, their arms wrapped tightly around
him.
DALTON
I thought that went pretty well.
And that’s when a DUCK paddles by them. QUACK, QUACK!
CLICK. Sam lifts up the opened STRAP BUCKLE.
SAM
I got it!
MADDY
Can we go home now?

DALTON
Well we can’t go to the cops.

SAM
Yeah -- they don’t like you either.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Comedy"]

Summary In this action-packed scene, an ambulance carrying Maddy, Sam, and Dalton crashes, leading them to continue their journey on a gurney through the streets of New York City and Central Park. They are chased by a hostile motorcycle cop, but Dalton takes charge and disables the cop's motorcycle with gunfire, ensuring their escape. The scene ends with the group floating in a lake, having successfully evaded the motorcycle cop.
Strengths
  • Exciting action sequences
  • Humorous moments amidst danger
  • Creative use of setting
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more impactful
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, with a good balance of action, humor, and suspense. The unique elements and unexpected twists make it memorable.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-speed chase involving a gurney in Central Park is innovative and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Plot: 7

The plot is driven by the action and the characters' reactions to the escalating situation. It moves the story forward and adds depth to the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene features a unique blend of action, humor, and suspense, with characters making unexpected decisions and facing unpredictable challenges. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show bravery, quick thinking, and humor in the face of danger. Their interactions add to the scene's dynamics.

Character Changes: 5

While the characters show resourcefulness and bravery, there is minimal character development or change in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Maddy's internal goal is to protect her daughter and navigate the dangerous situation they find themselves in. This reflects her deep desire to keep her family safe and her fear of failing to do so.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to escape the motorcycle cop and the dangerous situation they are in. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the need to survive.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters and the Motorcycle Cop creates tension and drives the action forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing multiple obstacles and challenges that keep the audience invested in the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The high-speed chase, danger, and life-threatening situations raise the stakes and keep the audience engaged.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new challenges and showcasing the characters' abilities in a high-stakes situation.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists, character decisions, and escalating tension that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the idea of survival versus law enforcement. The characters must decide whether to follow the rules or protect themselves at all costs, challenging their beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, including excitement, humor, and relief, but could have a stronger emotional impact.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is witty and adds to the humor of the scene, but it could be more impactful in certain moments.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced action, and witty dialogue that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension, building suspense, and delivering action sequences with precision and impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, dialogue formatting, and action lines that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a fast-paced and engaging structure, with clear action beats and character interactions that drive the plot forward.


Critique
  • While the action sequence is exciting and well-paced, the dialogue could use some improvement. The banter between Dalton and Maddy is a bit forced and unnatural.
  • The scene lacks a clear goal or objective for the characters. They are simply reacting to the events around them, rather than actively pursuing a goal.
  • The scene could benefit from some additional character development. The audience doesn't get a strong sense of who Dalton and Maddy are or what their motivations are.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt and unsatisfying. The characters simply float in the lake, and there is no sense of closure or resolution.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Give the characters a clear goal or objective to pursue.
  • Develop the characters more fully by giving them clear motivations and backstories.
  • Revise the ending of the scene to provide a sense of closure or resolution.



Scene 23 -  High-Stakes Heist Turns Action-Packed in Dalton's Penthouse
INT. CAB - DAY
MADDY’S POV as the cab pulls up to building where Dalton’s
condo is.
“The York. 1600 York Avenue”.
She quickly matches it with the address on Joe Ruben’s
FAKE DRIVER’S LICENSE in Dalton’s wallet.
She closes the wallet and slips it into her pocket before
Dalton, who’s sitting in the front passenger seat, can see
her.
MADDY
Home sweet home.
64.


EXT. THE YORK - DAY
The doorman, ALFREDO, opens the door for Dalton.
ALFREDO
Good afternoon Mr. Ruben.
Dalton quickly glances at his name tag.
DALTON
Afternoon... Alfredo.
Alfredo can see that they're still soaking wet.
ALFREDO
Lovely day for a swim sir.
DALTON
Yes indeed.
Dalton opens the door for Maddy and Sam. As he helps her
out, Maddy slips Dalton’s wallet back into his jacket
pocket without him noticing a thing.
As Dalton pays the CAB DRIVER-
MADDY
(to Sam)
Joe lives all the way up there in 3012.
ALFREDO
Actually he’s in 3207 Ma'am.
MADDY
Of course thank you.
(to Sam)
Twenty minutes. We access his accounts,
get the money and we get the hell out of
here.

SAM
I’ll do it in fifteen.

MADDY
That’s my boy.
Dalton walks over to them.
DALTON
You know where we’re going?
MADDY
‘Course -- 3207.
65.


INT. DALTON’S PENTHOUSE APARTMENT - DAY
They enter. Dalton takes the place in, maybe he’s starting
to remember.
DALTON
So this is it?
MADDY
Don’t you love it?
DALTON
I must. I guess.

Sam takes it all in. Likes what he sees.

SAM
Tight.
He checks the mail, all addressed to Joe Ruben, all bills,
nothing personal. He checks his answering machine. BEEP!
CARL (THROUGH MACHINE)
Hey where ya’ been, I’ve been trying you
all day. Call me. Let me know when the
job’s done.
MADDY
You recognize the voice?
DALTON
Vaguely. You?
MADDY
Nope. No one I’ve met.
DALTON
Maybe if I check the number.
She didn’t want to hear that. He hits a button on the
answering machine that lists the last few numbers that
called. They’re all “RESTRICTED”.
Maddy looks over his shoulder, anxious.
MADDY
Oops, too bad.
(off his look)
Hate that.
Then it hits him. His CELL PHONE. He grabs it out of his
pocket. Maddy’s eyes go wide -- “NO”.
He flips the phone open and water splashes his face. He
tries to turn it back on. Doesn’t work.
66.


MADDY
Not water-proof. Real shame.
Dalton sees a picture on the mantle of the fireplace. It’s
him and Toulouse, somewhere tropical. They’re all of him
and Toulouse with various exotic women.
He picks it up and spins away which causes-
THE FIREPLACE TO OPEN UP, revealing a hidden storage
compartment full of HIGH TECH WEAPONS.
Dalton doesn’t notice a thing, his back to the hidden
cache, focused on his friend in the photo, struggling to
put a name with the face.
DALTON
Lucy.
Maddy snatches it from his hands-
MADDY
Great guy-
And slaps it back down on the mantle, which causes the
fireplace to close back up while Maddy leads Dalton across
the room.
MADDY
One of your--
DALTON
Best friends.
MADDY
In the whole world. That -- Lucy. Quite a
character.
SAM
He’s the greatest.
DALTON
I must have a phone book around here. I
can call him. That would help.
MADDY
You know what I was thinking, sweetie, is
that we’d grab a few things and head off
on our trip, because I think some good
old fashion relaxing in a tropical
paradise is just what you need right now.
God knows I could use one of those little
fruity umbrella drinks. Put a little
distance between you and whoever is after
you until we can figure this whole thing
out.
Dalton leans against a bookcase, which spins to reveal-
67.


DALTON
That’s not a bad idea.
A SATELLITE COMMUNICATION SYSTEM. SAT PHONE, COMPUTER
SCREENS, KEYBOARD, etc.

SAM
I love it.
But Dalton is walking around the room, oblivious to what’s
happening.
DALTON
But what about your stuff?
Maddy leaps across the room to close the bookcase. Gets
her hand jammed between the closing bookcase and the wall.
OUCH. Frees it.
MADDY
You kidding? All I need is a bathing suit
and I’m pretty sure they sell them there.
And Sam’s good.
SAM
More than good. Excellent actually.
MADDY
He’s such a trooper, we just want to
focus on you, your needs, your health.
We’ll be fine, we can-
SAM
Wing it-
MADDY
- Wing it. See? No problem here. We’ll
just get down there, grab some cash from
your account in-
It hits him.
DALTON
Cayman Brac-
MADDY
Exactly and we’ll play it by ear. We’ll
be-
SAM
Spontaneous-
MADDY
Spontaneous, like you’re always saying.
DALTON
I always say that?
68.


SAM
All the time. We need to be more
spontaneous.
DALTON
You think it will help?
MADDY
It couldn’t hurt.

SAM
I love it.
Dalton takes this in.
DALTON
I am tired.
SAM
Me too.
MADDY
See. Let’s go. Right now. Get your
things. Here we go. We’re going...
DALTON
Tickets, we’ll need tickets.
MADDY
I’ll take care of that. Sam do what you
do best.
SAM
I’m on it.
Sam dives behind Dalton’s home computer and goes to work.
He quickly types in some code that opens up complete
access to Dalton’s files, his passwords, etc.
DALTON
What’s he doing?
She leads Dalton across the room.
MADDY
Ohhh... Kid stuff. They just love
computers.
DALTON
It looks like he’s hacking-
MADDY
Noooo... He’s just better at computers
than I am. He’ll have our tickets ready
in no time.
69.


SAM
Don’t you worry Dad, I got this.
She pushes him into his bedroom.
MADDY
You get yourself ready, we’ve got
everything out here under control.
She shuts the door behind him. Turns to Sam.
MADDY
Did you get the code?
SAM
Yup.
MADDY
His access number for the Cayman account?
SAM
No problemo.
MADDY
Password?
SAM
What am I nine?
MADDY
Just transfer the money. PLEASE. We don’t
have much time. Then print the tickets
so he’ll think we’re going with him and
then we’ll ditch him at the airport once
the money transfers into my account.

SAM
Sounds like a plan.
Sam types madly away, passed security clearances, fire-
walls, password protected access until-
SAM
Houston we have a problem.
MADDY
Problem, we can’t have a problem, I don’t
like problems, problems cause...
problems.
SAM
Well we’ve got one anyway. Our boy’s
gotta’ be former NSA with secured access
like this. RSA 1024-bit GP-CODED HAIPE
encryption run through SIPRNet. There’s
no way in. Not from the outside anyway. I
gotta’ be hard-wired into the LAN.
70.


MADDY
English. Please.
SAM
I gotta’ be inside the bank.
MADDY
THE bank?
SAM
Yup. Pack your sunscreen.

MADDY
We can’t go-

Dalton comes out of the bedroom.
DALTON
Maybe this isn’t such a good idea.
Sam spins and hops off the chair, tickets in hand.
SAM
Done. We leave in three hours.
DALTON
Who paid for that?
SAM
You did. You’re very wealthy.
DALTON
Cool.

MADDY
Dalton, wait a minute, I’m not so sure
this is a good idea -
And that’s when the two front windows SHATTER and our
YAKUZA HITMEN come swinging into the apartment on
repelling lines.
Machines guns raised high and crisp, ready to FIRE!
DALTON
Move!
Instinct kicks in.
Dalton pushes Maddy and Sam out of the way as bullets
shred the apartment around them. Complete chaos.
Dalton tucks and rolls onto the floor, coming up into a
full round-house kick that sends YAKUZA HITMAN #1 to the
floor. His machine gun skips across the floor.
71.


DALTON
Get him out of here!
Maddy grabs Sam and races out onto the PATIO.
YAKUZA HITMAN #2 fires, sending a wave of bullets ripping
across the floor towards Dalton, who does a CARTWHEEL
across the room past the bullets, spinning into a DOUBLE-
BACK HAND-SPRING-
Landing on Yakuza Hitman #2’s shoulders, his legs wrapped
around the hitman’s neck. He can’t believe he just did
that.
DALTON
(to himself)
Must have been a gymnast.
Dalton squeezes his legs tight and flips forward, taking
the hitman up and over with him, slamming the Yakuza hard
onto his back. OUT COLD.
Dalton yanks the cords from two nearby lamps and ties up
both Hitmen like he was roping calves.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary Maddy and Sam take Dalton to his penthouse, planning to access his accounts and transfer money. They find high-tech weapons and a satellite system, and discover they need to be hard-wired to the LAN. As Sam hacks the computer, Yakuza hitmen break in and start shooting. Dalton fights them off, and they tie up the hitmen. The scene is tense and action-packed, with confident Maddy and Sam, confused Dalton, and violent hitmen.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Character resourcefulness
  • High stakes and tension
Weaknesses
  • Limited standout dialogue
  • Some cliched action tropes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly engaging with intense action and suspense, showcasing the protagonist's skills and resourcefulness in a dangerous situation.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a sudden attack by skilled hitmen in the protagonist's own home, leading to a high-stakes action sequence, is well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of the Yakuza hitmen and the revelation of the protagonist's hidden weapons cache, adding layers of complexity to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene features a fresh take on the spy thriller genre, with unexpected twists and turns that keep the audience guessing. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Dalton, Maddy, and Sam, show courage, quick thinking, and determination in the face of danger, adding depth to their personalities.

Character Changes: 7

The characters, especially Dalton, show growth in their abilities and decision-making under pressure, adapting to the dangerous circumstances.

Internal Goal: 8

Maddy's internal goal is to protect Dalton and ensure their safety while also carrying out their mission. This reflects her loyalty and determination to succeed in the face of adversity.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to access Joe's accounts, get the money, and escape safely. This goal is driven by the immediate circumstances of being pursued by hitmen and needing to secure their financial future.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is intense and immediate, with the protagonist facing a life-threatening situation and having to outsmart skilled adversaries.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the characters facing formidable challenges and obstacles that test their skills and resolve. The audience is kept in suspense, unsure of how the characters will overcome their adversaries.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters face a life-threatening attack in their own home, forcing them to fight for survival and make split-second decisions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new threats, revealing hidden aspects of the protagonist's life, and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of its unexpected plot twists, character actions, and dialogue. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' moral choices and the consequences of their actions. Maddy and Sam must decide how far they are willing to go to achieve their goals, even if it means putting themselves in danger.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes tension and adrenaline, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats with the characters' perilous situation.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is functional, serving to move the action forward and convey necessary information, but lacks standout moments.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and high stakes. The audience is drawn into the characters' dangerous situation and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly handled, with a balance of action, dialogue, and description that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness and impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a high-stakes action sequence, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure that builds tension and suspense, leading to a dramatic climax. The action is clearly described, and the dialogue flows naturally, contributing to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene jumps perspective in the first sentence: "MADDY’S POV as the cab pulls up to building where Dalton’s condo is" shows the scene from Maddy's perspective, but then the second sentence is more omniscient: "She quickly matches it with the address on Joe Ruben’s FAKE DRIVER’S LICENSE in Dalton’s wallet."
  • The camera movements in this scene are a bit excessive: "MADDY’S POV as the cab pulls up to building where Dalton’s condo is.", "Dalton takes the place in, maybe he’s starting to remember.", "His back to the hidden cache, focused on his friend in the photo, struggling to put a name with the face.", "Dalton sees a picture on the mantle of the fireplace.", "He picks it up and spins away which causes- THE FIREPLACE TO OPEN UP, revealing a hidden storage compartment full of HIGH TECH WEAPONS.", "Dalton doesn’t notice a thing, his back to the hidden cache, focused on his friend in the photo, struggling to put a name with the face.", "Dalton leans against a bookcase, which spins to reveal- A SATELLITE COMMUNICATION SYSTEM. SAT PHONE, COMPUTER SCREENS, KEYBOARD, etc."
  • The scene relies too much on physical comedy and slapstick, such as Maddy slipping Dalton's wallet back into his jacket pocket without him noticing, Maddy slapping the picture of Dalton and Toulouse back down on the mantle, and Dalton accidentally spinning a bookcase around.
  • The dialogue is a bit too on-the-nose and expository, such as "We access his accounts, get the money and we get the hell out of here" and "We’ll just get down there, grab some cash from your account in- Cayman Brac- Exactly and we’ll play it by ear. We’ll be- Spontaneous- Spontaneous, like you’re always saying."
  • The scene is a bit too long and could be condensed to make it more impactful.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the first sentence to be more omniscient: "The cab pulls up to the building where Dalton's condo is."
  • Use more subtle camera movements to create a sense of suspense and tension, such as "Dalton glances around the room, taking in his surroundings" or "Maddy's eyes scan the room, searching for a way out."
  • Tone down the physical comedy and slapstick to create a more serious and suspenseful tone.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and less expository, such as "We need to access his accounts and get the money" or "We'll figure out what to do when we get there."
  • Condense the scene by cutting out unnecessary details and dialogue, such as the part where Dalton accidentally spins the bookcase around.



Scene 24 -  Dalton vs. the Cowboy Hitman: A Rooftop Showdown
EXT. ROOFTOP PATIO - DAY
Rooftop patio. Long wooden deck. Large crystal clear pool.
Wet bar. Gorgeous view of the park. Dalton races out.
DALTON
Maddy.
Maddy and Sam stand up behind a planter.
MADDY
Over here.
He races over to them. Trips over a chaise lounge and
stumbles towards them.
DALTON
Thank God you’re OK. You two should just
go, we’ll catch up later when, you know,
I can figure out who’s trying to kill me
and things settle down a bit. If they
settle down.

Sam is already on his way to the front door.

SAM
Sounds like a plan to me.

Maddy grabs Sam’s arm and pulls him in behind her.
72.


MADDY
Do you own a helicopter?
DALTON
No, why?
She points. He turns to find a CHOPPER just breaking the
roof-line.
SAM
So that’s not here to take us to the
airport?
DALTON
No... It’s not.

MADDY
So it’s a bad thing.

DALTON
Yup.

MADDY
Thought so.
The chopper settles into a hover just above the roof.
COWBOY HITMAN steps out of the chopper onto the skid.
Calls to the PILOT.
COWBOY HITMAN
Keep it running, this won’t take long.

DALTON
Hide.

Maddy and Sam duck back behind a large planter. She pokes
her head out.
MADDY
Right here if you need us.
Cowboy moves towards Dalton. Stares right through him.
COWBOY HITMAN
We meet again.
DALTON
We do?
COWBOY HITMAN
Anytime you feel like giving in and
letting me toss you off the roof, you
just let me know.
73.


DALTON
That’s very generous of you, but I’m
gonna’ have to pass. Not real big on the
hurtling to my death thing.
Cowboy chuckles, then lunges at him, but Dalton takes him
down with surprising agility. Surprising for him that is.
COWBOY HITMAN
You forgot I taught you that move -- I’m
hurt.

DALTON
That’s kinda’ the idea isn’t it?
Dalton stumbles, then NAILS Cowboy with a spin kick to his
Adam’s Apple, tossing him back on the roof, choking.
DALTON
Well there’s an apple for the teacher.
Dalton stays back. Let’s Cowboy get up. Cowboy’s breathing
is labored.
COWBOY HITMAN
Good move, but not good enough. We play
hard ball ‘round here.

DALTON
Why are you trying to kill me?

COWBOY HITMAN
Why am I?
(laughs)
Son every hitman and mercenary in the
northern hemisphere is gunning for you.
When you said you were retiring, you put
a big ‘ol target on your back. Whoever
pulls your plug becomes the new top dog
in town and they get all those high
paying gigs that you unfortunately will
no longer be available for. Nothing
personal, it’s business, you know that.
Hell, I think you’re a great guy.

DALTON
I appreciate that -- I think...

COWBOY HITMAN
You should be flattered.

DALTON
Doesn’t make me feel any better.

COWBOY HITMAN
Not even a little?
74.


DALTON
Not even a little.

Cowboy takes that in.

COWBOY HITMAN
Well -- I guess it is what it is. Sorry
‘bout this Woods.
Cowboy hits Dalton with a combination of moves but Dalton
stops all of them, then counters with a few of his own,
using patio furniture, planters, lamps, whatever he can
find. It looks clumsy but it’s working. Cowboy falls back.

DALTON
The name’s Ruben.
(his best Bond)
Joe Ruben.
COWBOY’S POV of pool cleaning pole/net only a few feet
away.
Dalton lunges at him, but Cowboy grabs the pole and jabs
it into his ribs, stopping him dead in his tracks.
DALTON
(out of breath)
OK that hurt.
COWBOY HITMAN
I’ll try to make this quick.

DALTON
Don’t do me any favors.
Dalton yanks the pole out of Cowboy’s hands and starts
chopping at him. Cowboy rolls away from each blow,
reaching the edge of the roof. There’s nowhere for him to
go.
Dalton raises the pipe for the final swing.
COWBOY HITMAN
I’m gonna miss you.
DALTON
Funny, I’m not going to miss you at all.
He tries to crush Cowboy’s head with the pole, but Cowboy
blocks it with his feet, launching Dalton onto his back.
Dalton turns to find-
-a cable attached to a window washer platform winch. BIG
HOOK in the end.
75.


He hurls the hook and cable at Cowboy. Cowboy sidesteps it
and the cable wraps around the skid of the helicopter.
The Pilot doesn’t like the looks of that.
Cowboy grabs Dalton’s legs and pulls him to the roof. They
struggle and roll towards the edge, pounding each other as
they go.
Jack’s on top, choking the life out of Cowboy when-
The PILOT goes for his gun, aiming at Dalton’s head.
Maddy sees the gun and springs into action.
She scurries across the roof and HITS THE CONTROLS OF THE
WINCH, yanking the helicopter down towards them.
The helicopter lurches to the side, causing the pilot to
drop his gun. He struggles with the flight stick.
Dalton leaps off Cowboy to avoid the SPINNING ROTORS as
the chopper starts spinning out of control.
Dalton rolls across the roof to safety.
The chopper circles around out of control only ten feet
above Cowboy and Dalton, the pilot fighting it all the
way.
The chopper swoops lower and lower with each pass. The
ROTOR BLADES getting way too close to the roof. This is
going to end badly.
Dalton and Cowboy continue to trade blows.
DALTON
Just let them go and you can have me.
Cowboy studies him -- laughs.
COWBOY HITMAN
You know I can’t do that. They’ve seen
way too much and nobody likes witnesses.
Dalton takes that in.
DALTON
Well in that case.
Dalton charges Cowboy with a series of acrobatic moves and
kicks. He has no idea where they’re coming from but it's
working so he’s going with it.
Each hit sends Cowboy closer and closer to the edge of the
roof until he’s right up against the parapet. He’s too
beaten to return Dalton’s blows but he’s in this to the
end.
76.


Cowboy raises his arms to attempt a final blow against
Dalton.
The chopper swoops in and WIPES COWBOY OFF THE ROOF as
Dalton dives for cover.
Cowboy dangles from the skid of the chopper, barely able
to hang on.
Dalton races over to the winch and hits the RELEASE
SWITCH, cutting the cable free and sending the chopper
spinning off out of control away from the roof.
Dalton races to Maddy and Sam, helping them both up.
Dalton is winded.
DALTON
Cayman Islands sounds real good right
about now.
MADDY
What happened to parting ways?
He makes sure Sam isn’t listening.
DALTON
Change of plans. They’re not just after
me anymore. They can’t have any
witnesses.
MADDY
Oh.
DALTON
Sorry I got you into this, whatever this
is, but I think it’s better for us to
stick together for a while and get as far
away from here as fast as we can.

Sam slides in between them.
SAM
Are the people who hate you confined to
the United States?

DALTON
Let’s hope so.
Dalton turns the sound of the helicopter crashing off in
the distance. BOOM!

DALTON
I don’t know why anyone would want to
kill a retiring fruit importer, -
77.


MADDY
- I’m sure it’s just a big
misunderstanding-

DALTON
- But I intend to find out, so don’t
worry.
Dalton, all heroic, spins to lead them into the house and
walks right into a GLASS PARTITION. THWACK!

Sam turns to Maddy. Rolls his eyes.

SAM
Nothing to worry about here.

Dalton marches off towards the front door. Looking a
little shaky. They follow.

MADDY
Not a thing.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Adventure"]

Summary On a rooftop patio, Dalton, a retired fruit importer and former assassin, fights a cowboy hitman who is trying to kill him. Using patio furniture and other objects as weapons, Dalton and the hitman engage in a tense and action-packed battle. Maddy, Dalton's friend, saves him by yanking the helicopter down with a winch control, causing the pilot to drop his gun and the chopper to spin out of control and crash. Dalton, Maddy, and their friend Sam decide to stick together and flee.
Strengths
  • Engaging action sequences
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched action tropes
  • Predictable outcome

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a perfect blend of action, suspense, and humor. The rooftop showdown adds excitement and tension to the story, showcasing the characters' skills and determination.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a rooftop battle with a helicopter as a weapon is innovative and adds a thrilling element to the scene. The idea of multiple hitmen targeting Dalton and the need to escape to the Cayman Islands creates a sense of urgency and danger.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly in this scene, with the revelation of the hitmen targeting Dalton, the decision to stick together and escape, and the intense rooftop battle. The scene sets up the next stage of the story and raises the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene features a unique blend of action and humor, with unexpected plot twists and witty dialogue that set it apart from typical action scenes.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Dalton, Maddy, and Sam are well-developed in this scene, showcasing their bravery, wit, and determination. Dalton's heroic actions, Maddy's quick thinking, and Sam's resourcefulness add depth to their personalities.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters' actions and decisions reflect their growth and development. Dalton's decision to stick with Maddy and Sam shows his willingness to change and adapt to the situation.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect his friends and figure out who is trying to kill him. This reflects his deeper need for safety and security.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to survive the encounter with the cowboy hitman and protect his friends from harm.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and high-stakes, with multiple hitmen targeting Dalton, a rooftop battle with a cowboy hitman, and the threat of the helicopter crashing. The characters face physical and emotional challenges, adding to the tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the cowboy hitman posing a significant threat to the protagonist and his friends.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with the characters facing multiple hitmen, a rooftop battle, and the threat of the helicopter crashing. The danger and urgency of the situation raise the stakes for the characters and increase the tension.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new threats, escalating the conflict, and setting up the next stage of the narrative. The decision to escape to the Cayman Islands and the revelation of the hitmen targeting Dalton propel the plot forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the plot and the protagonist's surprising actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's desire for a peaceful retirement and the violent world of hitmen and mercenaries that he is entangled in. This challenges his beliefs about his own safety and the nature of the people around him.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including tension, excitement, and humor. The characters' bravery and determination resonate with the audience, creating a sense of empathy and connection.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, witty, and adds to the tension and humor of the situation. The banter between Dalton and the cowboy hitman, as well as the interactions between Dalton, Maddy, and Sam, reveal their personalities and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and high stakes for the characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension and keeping the action moving at a fast pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene is a bit too long and could be shortened to improve pacing.
  • The dialogue is a bit clunky in places and could be more natural.
  • The action sequences are well-written, but they could be more visually interesting.
  • The characters are not very well-developed and could be fleshed out more.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt and could be more satisfying.
Suggestions
  • Cut out some of the unnecessary dialogue and action sequences.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Add more details to the characters to make them more well-rounded.
  • Rewrite the ending of the scene to make it more satisfying.



Scene 25 -  Struggle for Control: The Plane Ride from Hell
EXT. CAYMAN ISLANDS/OWEN ROBERTS INT. AIRPORT - DAY
A Commercial Airliner lands on the runway.

INT. OWEN ROBERTS INT. AIRPORT - DAY
As Dalton, Maddy and Sam walk into the terminal.
MADDY
Free at last.
SOMEONE’S POV, watching their every move.
They race to the next terminal for their connecting
flight.

EXT. TARMAC - DAY
Dalton, Maddy and Sam walk across the tarmac and climb
aboard a small “puddle jumper” passenger plane.
SOMEONE’S POV following them across the tarmac. We pass a
BAGGAGE HANDLER, who slips us a SILENCED PISTOL as we step
onto the plane.
78.


INT. SMALL PASSENGER PLANE - SUNSET
As the plane makes its way to Cayman Brac we move across
the row of seats to find Sam asleep on top of Maddy and
Maddy asleep on Dalton’s shoulder. He’s wide awake,
enjoying every breath she takes.
She mumbles in her sleep.
MADDY
Thank you...
And for the first time in his life, Dalton is content. He
whispers.
DALTON
You’re welcome.
There is no one else on the plane.
WE MOVE INTO THE COCKPIT to find GRANDPA HITMAN sitting in
the pilot seat. He puts the plane on auto pilot, draws his
gun as he gets up and spins towards the main cabin.
He slowly raises it when-
DALTON
Let me help you with that.
Dalton is on him and has his hand on the gun. Tries to rip
it from grandpa’s hands but he’s a lot stronger than he
looks.
BAM! The gun fires, blasting a hole into the roof of the
cabin. Maddy and Sam leap awake.
Dalton pulls Grandpa into the aisle and tackles him.
SAM
(still half asleep)
Great. They hate him here too.
BAM! The second shot shatters a window. Stuff starts to
fly all around them.
The plane starts pitching side to side.
Dalton and Grandpa struggle for control of the gun,
neither one ready to give in, both with the look of a
killer in their eyes.
This is a darker side of Dalton we haven’t seen before.
Grandpa smiles. Pleased.
GRANDPA HITMAN
There it is. That’s the look I remember.
You don’t want it to end like this.
79.


DALTON
I just want it to end.
Dalton kicks Grandpa back and right through the cockpit
door-
Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary Dalton, Maddy, and Sam board a small plane to Cayman Brac, unaware that Grandpa Hitman is their pilot. A physical struggle ensues between Dalton and Grandpa Hitman for control of a gun, causing damage to the plane and increasing the tension. The scene ends with the conflict unresolved as the plane violently pitches side to side.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Slightly predictable outcome

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-executed with a good balance of action, suspense, and character development. The intense conflict and unexpected turn of events keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a life-threatening situation during a flight to freedom is compelling and well-executed. The introduction of a darker side to Dalton adds depth to his character.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and moves the story forward as the characters face a dangerous situation while trying to escape. The unexpected twist with Dalton's darker side adds complexity to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the action genre by blending elements of redemption and moral conflict with high-stakes suspense. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed, especially Dalton, whose darker side is revealed in the face of danger. Maddy and Sam also show resilience and determination.

Character Changes: 7

Dalton's character undergoes a change as his darker side is revealed in the face of danger, adding complexity to his persona.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect his companions and confront his dark past as he faces off against Grandpa Hitman. This reflects his deeper need for redemption and closure from his violent past.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to survive the confrontation with Grandpa Hitman and prevent any harm to his companions. This reflects the immediate challenge of a life-threatening situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is intense and drives the scene forward as Dalton and Grandpa fight for control, leading to a life-threatening situation.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with a life-threatening situation and a morally complex conflict that challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters fight for survival and freedom in a life-threatening situation, adding tension and suspense to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward as the characters face a life-threatening situation and make a daring escape, setting the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and the escalating tension that keeps the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between redemption and violence, as Dalton grapples with his past actions and the influence of Grandpa Hitman, who represents a darker side of himself.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and determination in the characters, creating an emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, reflecting the characters' emotions and the high-stakes situation they are in.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced action, and emotional conflict that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense through well-timed action beats and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and flow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, rising tension, and a dramatic confrontation that advances the plot.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Dalton, Maddy, and Sam boarding a small passenger plane for their flight to Cayman Brac. The scene then cuts to the cockpit, where Grandpa Hitman is sitting in the pilot seat. He puts the plane on autopilot, draws his gun, and spins toward the main cabin. He slowly raises it when Dalton says, "Let me help you with that." Dalton is on him and has his hand on the gun. He tries to rip it from Grandpa's hands, but he's a lot stronger than he looks. BAM! The gun fires, blasting a hole into the roof of the cabin. Maddy and Sam leap awake. Dalton pulls Grandpa into the aisle and tackles him. Sam says, "Great. They hate him here too." BAM! The second shot shatters a window. Stuff starts to fly all around them. The plane starts pitching side to side. Dalton and Grandpa struggle for control of the gun, neither one ready to give in, both with the look of a killer in their eyes. This is a darker side of Dalton we haven't seen before. Grandpa smiles. Pleased. He says, "There it is. That's the look I remember. You don't want it to end like this." Dalton says, "I just want it to end." Dalton kicks Grandpa back and right through the cockpit door.
Suggestions
  • Add more dialogue to the scene to help develop the characters and their relationships.
  • Add more action to the scene to make it more exciting.
  • Add more suspense to the scene to keep the reader on the edge of their seat.
  • Rewrite the scene to make it more visually interesting.
  • Add more humor to the scene to make it more enjoyable to read.



Scene 26 -  Heroic Struggles and Nose-dives: Dalton Takes the Helm
INT. COCKPIT - SUNSET
And right into the dashboard. CRACK, CRACK! Dalton hits
Grandpa with two hard rights to the face. Sends him to the
floor. Lights out.

INT. SMALL PASSENGER PLANE - SUNSET
Dalton steps back into the cabin.
DALTON
Can either of you fly a plane?

Sam starts to raise his hand. Maddy stops him.

MADDY
XBOX doesn’t count.

SAM
Never mind..
BAM! The gun in Grandpa’s hand goes off, DISINTEGRATING
THE CONTROL PANELS.
The plane pitches hard to the right. Dalton grabs the gun
and turns back to the Maddy and Sam.
DALTON
Can both of you swim?

INT. COCKPIT - SUNSET
Dalton pushes Grandpa out of the way and grabs the
controls. He fights to level out the plane.
MADDY
Do you have any idea what you’re doing?
DALTON
Nope.
MADDY
Just checking.
DALTON
Get him strapped in. This is gonna’ be a
little bumpy.
80.


THEIR POV of Cayman Brac.
DALTON
Cayman Brac, dead ahead.
A beat.
DALTON
Bad choice of words?
MADDY
Yup.
DALTON
Take care of Sam, I got this.
MADDY
Just get us close.
DALTON
On it.
Maddy races back into the main cabin, leaving Dalton
fighting the plane more than flying it.
He levels it out. BIG SMILE. He might just do this.
Then it banks left. They’re over the island. That’s the
good news. The bad news is they’re soaring towards the
jungle.
Now the plane starts to NOSE DIVE and there’s nothing
Dalton can do about it.
DALTON
Everybody hold on!
Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary In the cockpit of a small passenger plane during sunset, Dalton steps in to fly after a gunshot destroys the control panels. He fights Grandpa, takes control, and questions the passengers if anyone can fly or swim. Maddy stops Sam from claiming Xbox proficiency and sassily interacts with Dalton. Despite their efforts, the plane dangerously heads towards Cayman Brac and nose-dives towards the jungle. The scene is filled with tension, action, humor, and a lingering uncertainty.
Strengths
  • Engaging action sequences
  • Witty dialogue
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, combining action, humor, and suspense effectively. The high-stakes situation keeps the audience on the edge of their seats, while the witty dialogue adds a layer of humor to the intense moments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a plane crash and the characters' struggle to survive is executed well, with a good balance of action and humor. The idea of characters with limited knowledge trying to navigate a dangerous situation adds depth to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is well-developed, with a clear goal of trying to survive the plane crash. The action sequences and character interactions drive the plot forward effectively, keeping the audience engaged throughout.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its portrayal of a high-stakes situation in a small passenger plane, with unexpected twists and turns that keep the audience engaged. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add to the tension of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their personalities shine through in their actions and dialogue. The dynamic between Dalton, Maddy, Sam, and Grandpa adds depth to the scene and enhances the overall storytelling.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character arc in this scene, the characters do show growth and development as they work together to survive the plane crash. Their actions and decisions reflect their evolving relationships and personalities.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to save the passengers and himself by successfully landing the plane. This reflects his desire to prove himself capable and competent in a high-pressure situation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to avoid crashing the plane and safely land it on the island. This reflects the immediate challenge of the dangerous situation they are in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing a life-threatening situation and having to make split-second decisions to survive. The tension is palpable, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing a life-threatening situation and uncertain outcome, adding to the suspense and drama.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are incredibly high, with the characters' lives on the line as they struggle to survive a plane crash. The outcome of their actions will have a profound impact on the rest of the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by placing the characters in a life-threatening situation and forcing them to work together to survive. The outcome of the plane crash will have significant implications for the rest of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the plot, keeping the audience guessing about the characters' fates and the outcome of the crisis.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict is between Dalton's lack of experience in flying a plane and the necessity to take control of the situation to save the passengers. This challenges his beliefs about his own abilities and the importance of taking action in a crisis.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene elicits a range of emotions from the audience, including tension, excitement, and humor. The characters' struggles and quick thinking create a sense of empathy and connection with the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, witty, and adds humor to the intense situation. The banter between the characters feels natural and helps to develop their relationships and personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and witty dialogue that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and intense, with a rhythm that builds tension and suspense leading to a climactic moment of crisis.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and dialogue that enhance the visual and emotional impact of the action.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a high-intensity action sequence, with clear pacing and escalation of tension leading to a climactic moment.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a bang, with Dalton hitting Grandpa with two hard rights to the face, sending him to the floor. This is a great way to start the scene, as it immediately grabs the reader's attention and sets up the conflict between Dalton and Grandpa.
  • The dialogue between Dalton, Maddy, and Sam is natural and believable. It's clear that they're all close friends, and they trust each other implicitly.
  • The action sequences in the scene are well-written and exciting. The fight between Dalton and Grandpa is especially well-done, and it's clear that both characters are evenly matched.
  • The scene ends with a cliffhanger, as the plane starts to nose dive and there's nothing Dalton can do about it. This leaves the reader on the edge of their seat, wondering what will happen next.
Suggestions
  • One suggestion would be to add more description to the setting. For example, you could describe the inside of the plane, the weather outside, or the surrounding landscape.
  • Another suggestion would be to develop the characters of Maddy and Sam more. For example, you could give them more backstory or explore their motivations for helping Dalton.
  • Finally, you could add more tension to the scene by increasing the stakes. For example, you could have Dalton and his friends be chased by enemies, or you could have them face a more dangerous threat.



Scene 27 -  Sacrificial Descent: A Crash Landing
INT. SMALL PASSENGER PLANE - SUNSET
SAM
Mom?
MADDY
Yeah sweetie?
SAM
I’m starting to think this was a bad
idea.
She double-checks his seat belt.
MADDY
Don’t worry, I’ll protect you. I always
do.
He smiles.
81.


SAM
I know.

INT. COCKPIT - SUNSET
Dalton sees the JUNGLE rushing towards them.
DALTON
Here we go!
(to himself)
Just let them make it.
(calls out)
Three, two, ONE!

EXT. JUNGLE - SUNSET
The plane BARRELS INTO THE JUNGLE.

INT. SMALL PASSENGER PLANE - SUNSET
As the plane hits. HARD. The whole plane is rocking and
twisting.
Sam’s voice is vibrating.
SAM
Please. Make it. Stop.
Maddy grabs his hand.
SAM
We still think this was a good idea?
MADDY
Starting to have a few doubts.

EXT. JUNGLE - SUNSET
The plane PLOWS between two trees, RIPPING BOTH WINGS
completely off.

INT. COCKPIT - SUNSET
DALTON
That can’t be good.
He turns back straight ahead and sees that they are
rocketing right towards a-
CLIFF. And it looks pretty high. He sees nothing but ocean
off on the horizon.
82.


DALTON
And that’s worse.
He pulls off his seat belt and races to the back of the
plane.

INT. SMALL PASSENGER PLANE - SUNSET
He races passed Sam and Maddy.
DALTON
Unstrap him.
She does.
MADDY
Shouldn’t you be -- driving?
He hands her two PARACHUTES.
DALTON
Put this on.
She starts to put her chute on. Dalton helps Sam with his.
But then she notices something.
MADDY
Where’s yours?
DALTON
There’s only two.
MADDY
Wait a minute-
DALTON
Soon as you clear the plane pull the
chord.
(off her look)
Please... I’ll be fine.
She puts her hand on his arm.
MADDY
Thank you.
DALTON
You got that Sam? Soon as you clear the
plane you pull that ring right there.
Sam is amazing, staying completely calm.
SAM
Got it!
83.


Dalton turns to the cockpit. Sees the cliff quickly
approaching.
DALTON
Here we go!
Genres: ["Action","Adventure","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense and anxious jungle plane crash scene, Sam voices doubts as the plane barrels into the treetops, shedding its wings. With only two parachutes for three passengers, Dalton selflessly stays behind as Maddy and Sam prepare to jump. Amidst last-minute instructions and reassurances, the plane nose-dives, leaving the fate of Maddy and Sam uncertain as the scene concludes.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • Suspenseful pacing
  • Emotional depth in characters
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue opportunities
  • Potential for cliched action tropes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, suspenseful, and action-packed, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats with the characters facing life-threatening situations.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a plane crash leading to a survival scenario in a jungle is engaging and well-executed, adding tension and excitement to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot is driven by the characters' actions and decisions in the face of imminent danger, leading to a thrilling and dramatic sequence of events.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on a classic survival scenario, incorporating elements of sacrifice and selflessness. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the authenticity of the situation.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show bravery, determination, and care for each other, adding depth and emotional resonance to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo a transformation as they confront their fears, show bravery, and prioritize the safety of their loved ones in the face of danger.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect her son and ensure his safety. This reflects her deeper need for security and her fear of failing to protect him.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to survive the plane crash and find a way to escape the impending danger of the cliff. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and life-threatening, with the characters facing physical danger and having to make difficult choices to survive.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing imminent danger and difficult choices. The audience is unsure of how the characters will overcome the obstacles they face.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are extremely high in the scene, with the characters' lives on the line as they navigate a plane crash, jungle survival, and a cliffhanger ending.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by placing the characters in a critical situation that tests their abilities and relationships, leading to significant developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' decisions and the escalating danger they face.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the value of sacrifice and selflessness. Dalton's decision to give up his parachute for Maddy and Sam challenges their beliefs about survival and altruism.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes feelings of anxiety, hope, and determination in the audience, creating an emotional connection to the characters' struggle for survival.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is focused on conveying urgency, instructions, and emotional connections between the characters, enhancing the tension and stakes of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, emotional depth, and fast-paced action. The audience is invested in the characters' survival and the outcome of the crash.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and intense, building suspense and tension leading to a climactic moment. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, building tension and conflict leading to a climactic moment.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Sam expressing his doubts about their plane ride to Maddy, which is a good way to create tension and foreshadow the upcoming crash.
  • However, the dialogue between Dalton and Maddy in the cockpit is a bit confusing. Dalton says, 'Just let them make it,' which is unclear and doesn't provide much information about his plan.
  • The scene then cuts to the exterior of the plane as it barrels into the jungle, which is a visually striking moment but doesn't add much to the story.
  • The scene then cuts back to the interior of the plane as it rocks and twists, and Sam and Maddy express their fear. This is a good way to build tension and make the audience feel invested in the characters' safety.
  • However, the scene then cuts back to the exterior of the plane as it loses its wings, which is another visually striking moment but doesn't add much to the story.
  • The scene then cuts back to the interior of the plane as Dalton races to the back to help Sam and Maddy put on their parachutes. This is a good way to show Dalton's heroism and his concern for their safety.
  • However, the scene then cuts back to the exterior of the plane as it approaches a cliff, which is another visually striking moment but doesn't add much to the story.
  • The scene then cuts back to the interior of the plane as Dalton tells Sam and Maddy to put on their parachutes and jump. This is a good way to create a sense of urgency and danger.
  • However, the scene then cuts back to the exterior of the plane as it nose dives, which is another visually striking moment but doesn't add much to the story.
  • The scene then cuts back to the interior of the plane as Dalton turns to the cockpit and sees the cliff quickly approaching. This is a good way to create a sense of suspense and make the audience wonder what will happen next.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue between Dalton and Maddy in the cockpit to make it more clear and informative.
  • Consider cutting the exterior shots of the plane as it barrels into the jungle and loses its wings, as they don't add much to the story.
  • Consider adding more dialogue between Dalton and Sam and Maddy as they put on their parachutes, as this would help to build tension and make the audience feel more invested in their safety.
  • Consider cutting the exterior shot of the plane as it approaches a cliff, as it doesn't add much to the story.
  • Consider adding more dialogue between Dalton and Sam and Maddy as they jump from the plane, as this would help to create a sense of urgency and danger.
  • Consider cutting the exterior shot of the plane as it nose dives, as it doesn't add much to the story.



Scene 28 -  Adventure Begins: Plane Jump into the Ocean
EXT. JUNGLE - SUNSET
The plane soars off the cliff, right past the LIGHTHOUSE
at the edge of the cliff.
The LIGHTHOUSE KEEPER does a double-take as the plane
screeches past him.
LIGHTHOUSE KEEPER
Don’t see that everyday.

INT. SMALL PASSENGER PLANE - SUNSET
DALTON
Jump!
Maddy helps Sam out and then looks back at Dalton.
DALTON
See you in a bit.
MADDY
Can’t wait.
And with that she spins and JUMPS out of the plane.

EXT. JUNGLE - SUNSET
The plane arcs out over the ocean as Sam and Maddy pull
their chutes. They’re quickly sucked back away from the
plane and towards the cliff.
But here’s the thing. Turns out the cliff isn’t as high as
Dalton thought. It’s only about 150 feet above the ocean.

INT. SMALL PASSENGER PLANE - SUNSET
DALTON
Well that’s not so bad.
Dalton leaps from the plane.

EXT. JUNGLE - SUNSET
Dalton clears the plane and splashes into the ocean as-
84.


BOOM! The plane EXPLODES ON IMPACT, splintering into
pieces.

EXT. OCEAN - SUNSET
As Dalton pops up from under the water. Takes a huge
breath of air.
Sam plunks down into the water next to him, soon followed
by Maddy.
Dalton swims over to Sam.
SAM
That was AWESOME!
DALTON
How ‘bout that for a Father Son
adventure?
And suddenly Sam, racked with guilt, can’t look Dalton in
the eye.
DALTON
You OK?
SAM
Yeah... I’m fine.
Dalton gives him a big hug. Helps him take off his chute.
Maddy swims over to Dalton, their eyes lock.
DALTON
You OK?
MADDY
Couldn’t be better.
SHE KISSES HIM.
MADDY
You sure know how to show a lady a good
time.
DALTON
I try.
They start swimming towards the island.

EXT. BEACH - SUNSET
As the sun sets on the horizon, the three of them crawl
onto the beach and collapse in the sand, exhausted.
85.


DALTON
So -- how do you like Cayman Brac so far?
MADDY
You kidding? White sandy beaches, crystal
blue water, tropical forest, warm breeze,
a “blue plate special” hit man trying to
kill us. It’s paradise.
DALTON
Can’t wait to see the hotel room.
MADDY
I just want to see the bed.
Sam takes a deep breath.
SAM
Room service. FOOD...

MADDY
Hot shower. Nice dinner. Glass of wine,
maybe two -- or three. A good night’s
sleep in a cozy warm bed and then
tomorrow we figure out why everyone we
meet is trying to kill you.

DALTON
You’re the best fiance ever.

MADDY
And don’t you forget it.
Genres: ["Action","Adventure","Romance"]

Summary In a jungle setting near Cayman Brac, Dalton, Maddy, and Sam jump from a small passenger plane soaring off a cliff, experiencing an exhilarating parachute ride towards the ocean. The plane explodes upon impact, but the trio swims to shore, exhausted yet filled with excitement and relief. A romantic moment unfolds between Dalton and Maddy, while Sam grapples with guilt. The scene concludes with the three survivors collapsing on the beach, embracing the success of their adventure's beginning.
Strengths
  • Exciting action sequences
  • Emotional depth in character interactions
  • Humorous dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched elements in the romantic exchange

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is action-packed, emotionally engaging, and sets up further developments in the story. The mix of genres and tones keeps the audience entertained.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-stakes escape from a crashing plane into the ocean is gripping and well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the characters escaping danger and forming deeper connections.

Originality: 9

The scene features a unique blend of action, humor, and emotional depth, with characters facing unexpected challenges in a tropical setting.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show bravery, vulnerability, and humor, making them relatable and engaging.

Character Changes: 7

Sam experiences guilt and vulnerability, while Dalton and Maddy's relationship deepens.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with his guilt over putting his son in danger and to maintain a facade of strength and confidence.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to survive the dangerous situation they find themselves in and to uncover the reason why they are being targeted by a hitman.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The characters face physical danger and emotional challenges, adding tension to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing physical danger and emotional challenges that add tension to the story.

High Stakes: 9

The characters' lives are at risk, and their relationships are tested, heightening the stakes.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new obstacles and strengthening character dynamics.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' journey, keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's desire to protect his family and his guilt over putting them in danger.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from excitement during the escape to tenderness in the romantic moment.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, emotional, and reveals the characters' personalities effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and emotional character moments.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of action, dialogue, and character moments that keep the story moving forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for an action-adventure genre, with a setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The beginning of the scene is a bit confusing, as it's not clear what's happening or why. The reader is thrown into the middle of the action without any context.
  • The dialogue is a bit stilted and unnatural. It doesn't sound like the way people actually talk.
  • The action is a bit over-the-top and unrealistic. It's hard to believe that Dalton would be able to survive the plane crash and swim to shore without any injuries.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit too neat and tidy. It would be more realistic if there were some lingering consequences from the plane crash.
  • The characterization is a bit flat. Dalton, Maddy, and Sam are all fairly one-dimensional characters. There's not much depth to them.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a bit more context. Explain what's happening and why the characters are in danger.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it sound more natural. Use contractions, slang, and other informal language.
  • Tone down the action a bit. Make it more realistic and believable.
  • Add some lingering consequences from the plane crash. Maybe Dalton has a broken arm or a concussion.
  • Develop the characters more. Give them more depth and complexity.



Scene 29 -  Reckoning with the Past at the Caribe Sands Hotel
INT. CARIB SANDS HOTEL - NIGHT
At the concierge desk. CLOSE ON the uptight CONCIERGE, a
strange, almost repulsed look on his face.
CONCIERGE
And you said the reservation is under
Ruben.
And now we see Dalton, Maddy and Sam standing at the desk,
completely soaking wet.
Dalton pulls out his wallet, opens it as a piece of SEA
WEED falls from his wallet and plops down onto the
counter.
DALTON
Sorry ‘bout that.
CONCIERGE
Don’t give it another thought.
Dalton hands him his CREDIT CARD. Sam leans in.
86.


SAM
Might want to dry that off a bit before
you slide it through the thingy.
The Concierge is trying no to explode. It isn’t easy.
CONCIERGE
Thank you. How -- thoughtful.
SAM
No problemo.
The reservation pops up onto the screen.
CONCIERGE
There you are. Room 123. West side by the
beach.
(hands him the electronic
key)
I’ll have the Porter bring your bags.
MADDY
No need, just us.
CONCIERGE
How lovely.

EXT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Dalton, Maddy and Sam, dressed in robes, sit on the patio
of their room enjoying a candle lit meal.
We can see the moon-lit waves breaking on the beach behind
them. Sam digs into a thick juicy steak.
SAM
Now this is more like it.
MADDY
Thanks for saving us. Again.
DALTON
I owed you from the Ambulance.
She smiles.
MADDY
This is true.
SAM
I got you something from the shop
downstairs.
Sam reaches under the table and hands Dalton a card.
Dalton looks it over and smiles.
87.


On the cover of the card is a CARTOON SUPER SPY with the
words “OUR HERO” written across the top.
He opens it and it starts to play a cheesy rip-off of the
JAMES BOND theme.
Dalton smiles.
DALTON
Thanks Sam, this means a lot to me.
SAM
Well you mean a lot to Mom and me.
Dalton turns to Maddy.
DALTON
So -- tell me about us?
She’s caught off guard. Stammers-
MADDY
About us?
DALTON
Yeah. Help me remember. How did we meet?
When did you fall in love with me? How
did I propose? Or did you propose?
MADDY
No, you proposed.
SAM
Is this going to get icky?
MADDY
It might get a little icky.
Sam grabs his food and heads back into the room.
SAM
I’m outta’ here.
Dalton and Maddy share a laugh.
DALTON
He’s a good kid.
MADDY
He likes you -- and that’s saying
something. He’s never been comfortable
around men. Doesn’t trust them. But he
trusts you, I can tell. It’s good for
him, he needs a little trust in his life.
DALTON
Do you trust me?
88.


She looks him straight in the eye.
MADDY
I’m getting there.
DALTON
Fair enough. So -- about us.
MADDY
We met in Peru, a little over ten years
ago. I was volunteering as a nurse for
Doctors without borders, you were there
on business. I ran into you, literally,
in the local market and dumped all my
groceries. You helped me pick them up
and, I don’t know, you just seemed like a
nice guy. Someone I could trust and I
needed that. Nice. Trust. You asked me
out for dinner-
DALTON
And of course you said yes, I mean who
can resist this-
MADDY
I said yes -- and you were really sweet.
Funny. Smart. You swept me off my feet.
Dalton can’t stop staring into her eyes as a warm smile
crosses his face.
DALTON
Didn’t know I had it in me.
MADDY
Oh you had it in you. And then two weeks
later you were gone. Just like that.
Something about work, that you’d be back -
- but you didn’t come back. You didn’t
call. You didn’t write, you just...
didn’t. So that was that.
Tears start to rim her eyes. She’s not holding back on
this one.
MADDY
And you broke my heart. The one guy I
thought would never in a million years do
that to me did it, just like all the
rest. I found out I was pregnant with Sam
a few months later but I figured it was
pointless to contact you.
He takes her hand.
DALTON
I’m so sorry, I didn’t...
89.


She forces a smile. A nervous laugh.
MADDY
Yeah, that’s what you said when we ran
into each other again in Chile six months
ago. And of course I believed you
because, despite everything that had
happened and every single instinct I had
telling me to run, I gave you a second
chance, because I want to believe that
true love exists, not perfect love, true
love. I want to believe we were meant to
be together. Maybe I needed to believe
it. You proposed to me in the middle of
Central Park, right by the zoo, my
favorite spot in the whole world since I
was a little girl. I couldn’t stop crying
for twenty minutes, I’ve never been
happier.
DALTON
So I did OK?
MADDY
You did just fine.
DALTON
And here we are.
Maybe she’s starting to believe her own story or maybe she
just wants to believe it.
MADDY
And here we are.
She stares right into his eyes.
MADDY
I never stopped loving you and I never
will.
DALTON
I want to make up for lost time.
(studies her)
All of it.
He gets up, leans over the table and gently kisses her.
She didn’t expect that but she doesn’t, or maybe she
can’t, pull away. This is more than she bargained for.
She’s falling for him.
WE PULL BACK from them and into the hotel room to find
Sam, his hands covering his eyes, peaking through his
fingers every once in a while to see what’s going on.
SAM
(to himself)
Icky...
90.


He turns his attention back to the TV.
Genres: ["Action","Romance","Thriller"]

Summary Dalton, Maddy, and Sam check into the Caribe Sands Hotel after a stormy arrival. As they settle into their room, they enjoy a candlelit dinner on the patio while overlooking the moon-lit beach. During their meal, Sam gives Dalton a birthday card, and Maddy shares their past history, including how Dalton broke her heart when he left her after they first met and she became pregnant with Sam. The scene is filled with emotional tension and nostalgia, as Dalton and Maddy discuss their past and share a kiss, while Sam watches and makes a humorous comment about it being 'icky'.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external action
  • Limited conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances action, romance, and character development, creating an engaging and emotionally resonant moment.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of rekindling lost love and exploring past relationships is well-executed, adding layers to the characters and their motivations.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as the characters reflect on their past and present relationship dynamics, setting the stage for potential growth and resolution.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the theme of second chances and redemption in relationships. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are fleshed out through their interactions and dialogue, showcasing their vulnerabilities, strengths, and emotional depth.

Character Changes: 8

Both characters experience growth and reflection as they confront their past and present feelings, leading to potential changes in their relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to reconnect with his past and make amends for his mistakes. He wants to rebuild trust and love with Maddy, the woman he left years ago.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to enjoy a relaxing evening with Maddy and Sam at the hotel after a chaotic day. He wants to create a positive and memorable experience for them.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

While there is emotional conflict and tension in the scene, it is more focused on internal struggles and past regrets rather than external action.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the protagonist's past actions and Maddy's emotional barriers. The audience is unsure of how their relationship will progress, adding tension and uncertainty to the scene.

High Stakes: 4

While the characters have faced danger and challenges in the past, the stakes in this scene are more emotional and personal, focusing on their relationships and feelings.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the characters' relationships and setting the stage for potential developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the emotional revelations and shifts in the characters' relationships. The audience is kept on their toes as they navigate the complexities of love, trust, and forgiveness.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around trust, forgiveness, and second chances. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about love, redemption, and the possibility of starting over.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' heartfelt conversations and the rekindling of their love, creating a poignant and memorable moment.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging, emotional, and reveals important aspects of the characters' past and present relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, character development, and the tension between the characters' past and present. The audience is drawn into the intimate and heartfelt conversation between the protagonist and Maddy.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and emotion leading to a climactic moment of vulnerability and connection between the characters. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the atmosphere and mood of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a character-driven drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and dialogue flow smoothly, engaging the audience in the characters' emotional journey.


Critique
  • The dialogue is a bit too on-the-nose and expository at times. For instance, when Dalton asks Maddy to tell him about their past, she immediately launches into a detailed account of how they met and fell in love. This could be more effectively conveyed through flashbacks or more subtle dialogue.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or obstacle that the characters must overcome. The conversation flows smoothly, but there's not much tension or drama to keep the reader engaged.
  • The characters' motivations and emotions could be explored more deeply. For instance, it's not entirely clear why Maddy is so willing to forgive Dalton for leaving her and why she still loves him after all these years. Providing more context and motivation for their actions would make the scene more emotionally resonant.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved. The beginning of the scene is a bit slow and could be condensed to create a more engaging start.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt and leaves the reader hanging. It would be more satisfying if there was a stronger resolution or cliffhanger to lead into the next scene.
Suggestions
  • Add more subtext and nuance to the dialogue. Let the characters' unspoken thoughts and feelings drive the conversation.
  • Introduce a conflict or obstacle that the characters must overcome. This could be an external threat, an internal struggle, or a misunderstanding between the characters.
  • Explore the characters' motivations and emotions more deeply. Give them clear goals and desires, and show why they are so invested in the relationship.
  • Tighten the pacing of the scene. Cut any unnecessary dialogue or actions that don't contribute to the overall story.
  • Give the scene a stronger ending. Resolve the conflict or obstacle, or leave the reader with a cliffhanger that will make them eager to read the next scene.



Scene 30 -  A Heartfelt Morning in the Hotel Room
INT. HOTEL/MADDY AND SAM’S ROOM - NIGHT
Maddy and Sam lie in bed together in pajamas bought in the
hotel shop.
They’re both wide awake.
SAM
Mom, when we get the money tomorrow, can
we go home?
MADDY
(a little sad)
Sure kiddo’, soon as we get the money.
But she’s not so sure anymore.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY
As everyone gets ready for the day. Local, casual attire.
MADDY
So what do guys say we have some fun?
Make some new memories? Bank doesn’t open
for a couple of hours.
She plants a kiss on Dalton’s cheek. She shares a look
with Sam, who rolls his eyes.

Dalton wasn’t planning on that, but-
DALTON
Sounds good to me.
MADDY
You up for that kiddo’?
SAM
As long as nobody is trying to kill us,
I’m in.
Dalton crouches down to Sam.
DALTON
Don’t you worry, I may not be some --
secret agent -- but I will always protect
you, no matter what.
SAM
Thanks...
(hesitates)
Dad.
91.


An awkward beat.
DALTON
It’s OK. Looks like we both have to get
used to it. But I’m willing to work at it
if you are.
Dalton pulls Sam in for a big hug. Sam looks up at Maddy --
“What should I do?”.
DALTON
Just give me a chance.
SAM
OK...
Maddy can’t help but be a little touched -- and feel a
little guilty.
Just before they leave, Dalton looks at the CARD Sam gave
him, smiles, and slips it inside his jacket.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Maddy, Sam, and Dalton spend the night in a hotel room, preparing to go to the bank the next day. Sam expresses his fears about their safety, but Dalton reassures him and is later called 'Dad' by Sam for the first time. Maddy feels touched and guilty, and the group shares a moment of closeness before leaving the hotel room. The scene is emotional and heartfelt, with moments of tension and reassurance.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Exploration of family dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Lack of external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth of the characters and sets the stage for potential growth and resolution in their relationships. The dialogue is heartfelt and the interactions feel genuine.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of family reconciliation and second chances is well-executed in the scene. It introduces a new layer of complexity to the characters' dynamics and sets the stage for future developments.

Plot: 7

While the plot progression is relatively simple in this scene, the focus on character relationships and emotional growth adds depth to the narrative. The scene sets up potential conflicts and resolutions for the future.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the blended family dynamic, exploring the complexities of forming new relationships while honoring the past. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are the heart of this scene, with their emotional vulnerabilities and desires driving the interactions. The development of Dalton, Maddy, and Sam's relationships is compelling and engaging.

Character Changes: 7

The characters, particularly Dalton and Sam, undergo subtle changes in this scene as they navigate their evolving relationships and confront their pasts. There is a sense of growth and potential transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the complex emotions and dynamics within the family, particularly in relation to the new father figure. This reflects her deeper need for stability and security for her son, as well as her fears and desires surrounding their future.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to distract her family from their financial struggles and create positive memories. This reflects the immediate circumstances of waiting for the bank to open and the challenges of maintaining a sense of normalcy in a difficult situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict in this scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on the characters' personal struggles and desires. While there are hints of past conflicts and tensions, the scene is primarily about reconciliation.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, but not overwhelming to the point of overshadowing the emotional core of the scene.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in this scene are more personal and emotional, focusing on the characters' internal struggles and desires. While there are hints of past dangers and conflicts, the primary focus is on the relationships and emotional growth.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene does not significantly advance the main plot, it sets the stage for future developments and character arcs. It deepens the emotional stakes and relationships, laying the groundwork for upcoming events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters and the unresolved tensions that leave the audience uncertain about the future.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between accepting a new family dynamic and holding onto past relationships. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about family and loyalty, as well as her worldview about change and growth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, drawing on themes of family, love, and forgiveness. The interactions between the characters evoke empathy and resonate with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is poignant and authentic, capturing the characters' emotions and inner conflicts effectively. It enhances the character development and adds depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters, the subtle tension between them, and the relatable themes of family and change.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension with moments of emotional connection, creating a dynamic and engaging rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting that enhance readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character motivations and a progression of emotional beats that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Maddy and Sam in bed, and then cuts to them getting ready for the day. This transition is a bit abrupt and could be smoothed out by adding a line or two of dialogue or action to connect the two scenes.
  • The dialogue in the scene is a bit stiff and unnatural. For example, Maddy's line, "Sure kiddo', soon as we get the money." could be rephrased to sound more natural, like "Sure, kiddo. As soon as we get the money, we can go home."
  • The scene doesn't really have a clear goal or conflict. The characters talk about having fun and making new memories, but it's not clear what they're actually planning to do. This lack of direction makes the scene feel a bit aimless.
  • The scene ends with Dalton crouching down to Sam and saying, "Don't you worry, I may not be some -- secret agent -- but I will always protect you, no matter what." This line is a bit awkward and forced, and it doesn't really fit with the rest of the scene. It would be better to have Dalton say something more natural, like "I'll always be there for you, no matter what."
  • The scene doesn't really advance the plot or develop the characters in any significant way. It's more of a filler scene that could be cut without affecting the overall story.
Suggestions
  • Add a line or two of dialogue or action to connect the two scenes.
  • Rephrase the dialogue to sound more natural.
  • Give the scene a clear goal or conflict.
  • Cut the awkward line at the end of the scene.
  • Consider cutting the scene altogether.



Scene 31 -  A Day at the Beach: A Close Call and a Father's Concern
EXT. CARIB SANDS HOTEL - DAY
Dalton, Maddy and Sam grab a CAB.

EXT. BEACH - DAY
Dalton, Maddy and Sam stroll along the beach.
Sam runs ahead splashing in the water. Dalton smiles. Runs
after him, splashing around at the edge of the water with
him. Playing chicken with the waves.
He’s more of a kid than Sam, letting loose, letting his
guard down for the first time in a long time and he’s
loving every second of it.
Maddy’s getting a kick watching them play. Sam looks so
happy. This is the way their life was supposed to be,
could be...
Dalton scoops Sam up in his arms just as a wave is about
to take him out and spins him around in the air. They both
laugh, having the time of their lives.

EXT. STREETS - DAY
Dalton, Maddy and Sam are riding on a three seat tandem
bike, enjoying the fresh sea air.
92.


EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY
Sam is running along the sidewalk, Dalton pretending to
chase him. Sam weaves in and out of the other PEDESTRIANS.
He races towards the INTERSECTION, lost in the moment, and
doesn’t notice the TRAFFIC LIGHT changing to RED.
He darts out into the crosswalk.
Dalton sees the oncoming traffic. Sam doesn’t.
MADDY
Sam!
HORNS HONK, TIRES SCREECH as cars swerve to avoid hitting
Sam but-
Dalton is on him in a beat, snatches him up and yanks him
out of the way of an oncoming car that WHOOSHES BY THEM,
just missing them both by an inch.
Dalton carries Sam to the curb. Dalton is panicked. It’s
the first time we’ve ever seen him like this.
MADDY
Sam!
DALTON
Are you OK?
SAM
I’m fine.
DALTON
Don’t ever do that again. You could have
been killed.
SAM
I was just having fun -- with you.
DALTON
I know, I just -- I don’t want anything
to happen to you.
Maddy is touched by Dalton’s concern. She takes Sam in her
arms.
MADDY
Sam sweetie. You scared me half to death.
SAM
I’m sorry Mom.
MADDY
(to Dalton)
Thank you.
93.


DALTON
What are Dads for?
The words cut right through her. What the hell is she
doing?
Genres: ["Action","Adventure","Family"]

Summary In this scene, Dalton, Maddy, and Sam visit the Carib Sands Hotel beach, where Sam and Dalton play in the water and ride a three-seat tandem bike. However, the mood turns tense when Sam runs into the street and nearly gets hit by a car. Dalton saves Sam just in time, and Maddy expresses her gratitude. The scene ends with Dalton expressing his concern for Sam's safety, leaving a thought-provoking question hanging in the air.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Family theme
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Predictable resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances action, emotion, and character development, providing a heartwarming and tense moment that advances the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a hitman trying to lead a normal life while protecting his family adds depth to the character and creates engaging conflict.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as the characters bond and face a moment of danger, setting up future challenges and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to the theme of family bonding and safety, with a unique blend of playfulness and tension. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters show growth and vulnerability, especially Dalton, who reveals a softer side while still maintaining his protective instincts.

Character Changes: 7

Dalton shows growth by embracing his role as a father and letting his guard down, while Maddy experiences a mix of emotions as she reconnects with Dalton.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to let go of his guard and enjoy the moment with his family. This reflects his deeper need for connection, relaxation, and happiness after a long period of stress or tension.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to ensure the safety and well-being of his son. This reflects the immediate challenge of protecting his loved ones from harm.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is a moment of danger with Sam almost getting hit by a car, the main conflict lies in Dalton's internal struggle to balance his past life with his desire for a normal family life.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with a sudden threat to the protagonist's goal of protecting his son, creating a compelling conflict.

High Stakes: 6

While there is a moment of danger with Sam almost getting hit by a car, the overall stakes are more emotional and internal for the characters.

Story Forward: 7

The scene deepens the relationships between the characters and sets the stage for future challenges and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a sudden moment of danger amidst a lighthearted family outing, adding a layer of suspense and surprise.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the balance between fun and safety, risk and caution. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the importance of letting loose versus the need for vigilance and protection.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes joy, concern, and reflection, creating a strong emotional connection with the characters.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys emotions and relationships, enhancing the character interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines moments of joy and tension, keeping the audience invested in the characters' experiences and emotions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, enhancing the impact of the climactic moment.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct settings and character interactions, maintaining a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene starts off a bit slow and doesn't really have a clear purpose or direction until the end when Sam almost gets hit by a car.
  • The dialogue is a bit stilted and unnatural, especially the line "What are Dads for?".
  • The scene doesn't really add anything to the story and could be cut without losing anything important.
  • The scene doesn't really fit with the rest of the movie, which is more action-packed and suspenseful.
  • The scene doesn't really develop any of the characters or their relationships.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with something more exciting or interesting, such as Dalton and Sam playing in the water and having fun.
  • Make the dialogue more natural and believable.
  • Add more conflict to the scene, such as having Dalton and Maddy argue about something.
  • Use the scene to develop the characters and their relationships, such as having Dalton and Sam bond over their love of playing in the water.
  • Cut the scene if it doesn't really add anything to the story.



Scene 32 -  Making a Withdrawal at the Cayman Brac National Bank
EXT. CAYMAN BRAC NATIONAL BANK - DAY
A BICYCLE RICKSHAW pulls up with Dalton, Maddy and Sam in
it. They climb out.
DALTON
That was fun. We’ll have to do that again
sometime. Except for the almost getting
hit by a car part.
He tussles Sam’s hair.
SAM
That part I can definitely do without.
Maddy holds Dalton back.
MADDY
Thank you.
DALTON
For what?
MADDY
Being you. You’re great with him.
DALTON
He makes it easy. So do you.
MADDY
Well thank you. This has been nice.
DALTON
And you can use nice.
MADDY
Yes I can.
DALTON
Well there’s plenty more where that came
from.

INT. CAYMAN BRAC NATIONAL BANK - DAY
Dalton holds the door for Maddy and Sam, walks in. This is
no ordinary bank. There are no tellers, only CUSTOMER
SERVICE REPS in plush cubicles.
It’s crowded.
94.


DALTON
This will just take a minute.
Dalton marches over to a CUSTOMER SERVICE REP.
DALTON
I’d like to make a withdrawal.
He hands her his license and bank card.
BACK TO SAM AND MADDY.
SAM
Should I...?
She looks a like she’s having second thoughts but-
MADDY
Do it.
Sam starts to glide around the bank, looking for that
perfect spot to go to work.
Maddy is on look-out, feeling a little anxious.
Sam finds what he’s looking for. An office door with a
little sign hanging on the door knob--
“BACK AT 10AM”. Sam looks to the clock on the wall. It’s
9:40AM. Perfect.
He slips into the office, gently closing the door behind
him.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Adventure"]

Summary Dalton, Maddy, and Sam visit the Cayman Brac National Bank to make a withdrawal. The bank is crowded with customer service reps in cubicles, and Dalton approaches a rep while Sam finds an empty office to work and Maddy keeps watch. The scene is light and positive, with no major conflicts, and ends with Sam starting his work in the empty office.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Balanced humor and tension
  • Innovative concept
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Some cliched elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances humor, tension, and character development, making it engaging and entertaining.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a bank heist involving a family dynamic and a high-tech bank is fresh and intriguing, adding depth to the traditional heist scenario.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around the characters attempting a bank robbery in a unique setting, leading to a mix of humor and tension.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a typical bank setting by incorporating unique character dynamics and unexpected actions, adding authenticity to the dialogue and plot.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show growth and depth, particularly in their interactions and dynamics during the heist.

Character Changes: 6

The characters show subtle changes in their relationships and dynamics, particularly in the way they interact during the heist.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to impress Maddy and show his competence and resourcefulness, especially in handling situations involving her son, Sam.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to make a withdrawal from the bank, but it is overshadowed by the unfolding events with Sam's actions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict arises from the characters attempting a risky bank robbery, leading to tension and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, particularly with Sam's risky decision, adding complexity to the plot.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes of a bank robbery and the characters' relationships add tension and suspense to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new challenge for the characters and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of Sam's unexpected decision to enter the office with the 'BACK AT 10AM' sign, adding tension and intrigue to the plot.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between following rules and taking risks evident in this scene. Sam's decision to enter the office with the 'BACK AT 10AM' sign challenges the conventional norms of waiting and following instructions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from humor to anxiety, but could have a stronger emotional impact with more character development.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is witty and engaging, adding to the humor and tension of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic character relationships, the unfolding mystery of Sam's actions, and the witty dialogue that keeps the audience invested.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and description that maintains the audience's interest and drives the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a focus on character interactions.


Critique
  • The transition between the previous scene and this one is abrupt. The previous scene ends with Dalton expressing concern for Sam's safety, and this scene begins with them arriving at the bank. A short establishing shot of the bank or a line of dialogue referencing their arrival would help to smooth the transition.
  • The dialogue in this scene is functional, but it could be more engaging. For example, the line "That was fun. We’ll have to do that again sometime." is a bit bland. It could be replaced with something more specific and interesting, such as "I'm glad we got to do that. It was a lot of fun, especially playing in the water with Sam."
  • The scene lacks conflict or tension. The characters simply arrive at the bank and begin to execute their plan. Adding a small obstacle or challenge would help to make the scene more engaging.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Dalton marching over to a customer service rep. It would be more effective to end the scene with a line of dialogue or a brief description of what Dalton does next.
Suggestions
  • Add a short establishing shot of the bank or a line of dialogue referencing their arrival.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more engaging and specific.
  • Add a small obstacle or challenge to the scene, such as a security guard who questions them or a customer who tries to cut in line.
  • End the scene with a line of dialogue or a brief description of what Dalton does next.



Scene 33 -  Resolution of Greed and Loyalty
INT. OFFICE - DAY
Sam leaps behind the computer and goes to work, typing in
some quick hacker code, giving him full access to the
bank’s MAIN SERVER.
SAM
Like taking candy from a baby.
He pulls out a piece of paper that has Dalton’s account
numbers on it that he tapped into at Dalton’s apartment.
He frantically begins to type them in, knowing the clock
is ticking.
SAM
Come to pappa.
BINGO! He’s in.
SAM
I am soooo good.
95.


And there it is. Right there on the screen in front of
him. Millions of Dalton’s money, ready for the taking.
All Sam has to do is hit one button “TRANSFER”, and the
money is all theirs.
His finger is just a hair above the ENTER KEY but he-
HESITATES. Freezes.

INT. CAYMAN BRAC NATIONAL BANK - DAY
Maddy is keeping a careful eye out but then something
shifts behind her eyes. She looks over at Dalton, smiling
and chatting with the Customer Service Rep, no idea what’s
about to happen to him.
He gives Maddy a little wave. She returns it.
SHE CAN’T DO IT. She moves.

INT. CUSTOMER SERVICE DESK - DAY
The Rep suddenly has a strange look on her face.
DALTON
Is there something wrong?
REP
I’m not sure but it looks like someone
else is accessing your account.
DALTON
From where?
REP
Inside the bank.
Dalton is on his feet. HE KNOWS.
DALTON
I’ll be right back.

INT. OFFICE - DAY
CLOSE ON SAM
His hand trembling just above the ENTER KEY. He tries to
push it but he can’t and just then-
Maddy steps in.

MADDY
Sam.
96.


He jumps out of the chair and into her arms in one leap.
Buries his head in her waist.
SAM
I can’t. I just can’t.
She wraps her arms around him.
MADDY
I can’t either sweetie.
SAM
You’re not mad?
MADDY
Mad? I could never be mad at you. You
made the right choice.

SAM
WE made the right choice.
Sam quickly spins, and TAP, TAP, TAP, undoes what he did
and logs off.
And that’s when we see, but they don’t, that-
Dalton is standing behind them just outside the office. He
heard the whole conversation and saw what Sam just did. He
can’t help but be moved by it.
And now he’s the one feeling guilty.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In the bank office, Sam, with access to Dalton's account, hesitates to transfer money. Maddy enters, revealing internal access to the account, and Sam decides not to proceed. Dalton, who has been watching, feels guilty for his actions. The scene concludes with Sam and Maddy sharing a tender moment, while Dalton is left with remorse.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Slightly predictable resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion, showcasing the characters' internal struggles and moral dilemmas. The dialogue and character interactions are engaging and impactful.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of moral dilemma and ethical decision-making is well-executed in the scene, adding depth to the characters and driving the plot forward.

Plot: 7

The plot in this scene focuses on the characters' moral choices and internal conflicts, providing a crucial moment of character development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic heist trope by focusing on the internal struggle of the protagonist rather than the external action. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' emotions and relationships are central to the scene, with each character facing a moral dilemma and showing growth through their decisions.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional growth and development in the scene, particularly in their decision-making and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to reconcile his desire for easy money with his moral compass. He struggles with the decision to steal from Dalton, reflecting his deeper need for validation and acceptance.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to transfer money from Dalton's account to his own. This reflects the immediate challenge of committing a crime and facing the consequences.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters grapple with their decisions and moral dilemmas.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, with internal and external conflicts that challenge the protagonist's beliefs and values, creating uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in terms of the characters' moral integrity and relationships, as their decisions have significant consequences for their future.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the characters' arcs and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it subverts expectations by having the protagonist make a surprising moral choice instead of following through with the heist.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's desire for wealth and the moral implications of his actions. It challenges his beliefs about right and wrong, and forces him to confront his own values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, particularly through the characters' moral struggles and relationships.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, dilemmas, and relationships, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it keeps the audience on the edge of their seats, with a mix of action, emotion, and moral dilemmas that create a sense of suspense and intrigue.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of stakes and emotions that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene is well-executed, with clear action lines and dialogue cues that enhance the pacing and rhythm of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for a suspenseful heist sequence, with a clear build-up of tension and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene is too long and could be shortened without losing any of the important information.
  • The dialogue is a bit clunky and could be more natural.
  • The scene lacks tension and conflict.
  • The character of Sam is not well-developed and could be more interesting.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt and could be more satisfying.
Suggestions
  • Cut the scene down to around 10 lines of dialogue.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging.
  • Add some tension and conflict to the scene, such as a threat from the bank or a disagreement between the characters.
  • Develop the character of Sam by giving him more backstory and motivations.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying ending, such as having the characters succeed in their mission or having them face a setback that forces them to change their plans.



Scene 34 -  Dalton's Last Assignment: A Change of Heart
INT. CAYMAN BRAC NATIONAL BANK - DAY
Maddy and Sam exit the office to find Dalton waiting for
them. Dalton marches over to her with purpose.
MADDY
We ready?
Dalton notices something outside. A sudden look of
concern.
DALTON
Sam, could you give us a sec?
SAM
No problemo.
Sam takes a seat on a bench as Dalton takes Maddy by the
arm, pulls her to the side and quietly but firmly says-
DALTON
We can’t go out the front.
97.


MADDY
Why not?
DALTON
Because they’re waiting for us.
MADDY
There’s more of them? Jesus people don’t
like you.
DALTON
This is different. Separate. My clients
are waiting outside. Waiting for me to
turn you over to them.
MADDY
But I don’t understand, I thought they
were after you because you were getting
out and --
DALTON
YOU were my last assignment Maddy.
She can’t believe it.
MADDY
I’m... I’m WHAT?
DALTON
The cash you stole three weeks ago-

MADDY
From the hedge fund guy in Queens-

DALTON
Who was laundering it for the Mob.

MADDY
Oh... That’s not good.

DALTON
No it’s not.
MADDY
They can have it back! It wasn’t even
that much. I just thought the fund’s
insurance would-
DALTON
It’s not about the money. It’s about
sending a message so no one else tries to
hit them again.
(Studies her)
You had to know all this would catch up
to you someday.
Now she gets it -- and she knows he’s right.
98.


MADDY
This was your plan all along.
DALTON
I’m sorry... I didn’t count on-
She starts to replay their conversation from the diner
when they first met.
MADDY
You find their weakness, what makes them
tick and you-
DALTON
Exploit it.
MADDY
You use it to isolate the target.
DALTON
Manipulate them into going to a location
that you control.
MADDY
I’m completely out of my element.
DALTON
I’m totally in mine.
MADDY
And then you-
DALTON
Spring the trap.
MADDY
The target is completely caught off
guard, no back-up, no plan B, no escape-
DALTON
No chance.
She can’t believe she fell for it. She’s more pissed-off
at herself than Dalton.
MADDY
Never fails. The amnesia was a nice
touch. Never saw that coming. Nice work.
Dalton. You win.
She turns back to Sam, who has no idea what’s about to
happen to him. How could she do this to him? She turns
back to Dalton.
MADDY
You lied to us. To Sam.
99.


DALTON
I had to make sure you stayed with me or
they would have killed you. Besides, you
did your share of bending the truth.
MADDY
Leave Sam out of this and they can have
me. Please, he’s just a kid. It’s all my
fault.
He studies her. Sees the real Maddy in her eyes. She’d
take a bullet for Sam. Every thing she’s done is for him.
And in that moment, he falls for her.
DALTON
No.
She shoves him.
MADDY
NO?
DALTON
I can’t. Not now. Not after everything
we’ve-
MADDY
What?
DALTON
I can’t do it. We’re getting out of here.
The three of us. NOW.
He turns to grab Sam but-
DALTON
Come on Sam we-
HE’S GONE.
DALTON
Sam?
MADDY
SAM!
The Rep calls out to Dalton.
REP
Mr. Ruben. I have a phone call for you.
He takes the phone.
VOICE (THROUGH PHONE)
Just a little insurance to make sure you
finish the job.
100.


He knows the voice.
DALTON
Austin?
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Crime"]

Summary Maddy and Sam exit a meeting at the Cayman Brac National Bank to find Dalton waiting. Dalton informs Maddy that they can't leave through the front due to the mob's clients waiting to take her. Maddy realizes she is Dalton's last assignment, who was laundering money for the mob. As the tension builds, Dalton struggles with his guilt and ultimately decides to protect Maddy and Sam, changing his mind about his original plan. The scene ends with Dalton leaving with Maddy and Sam, despite the mob's plans.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Revealing character dynamics
  • Twist in the plot
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched elements in the confrontation scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a significant plot development, intense dialogue, and emotional depth. The revelation of Dalton's true motives and the subsequent confrontation with Maddy create a compelling narrative that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a character manipulating others for a hidden agenda is executed effectively in this scene. The twist adds depth to the story and raises the stakes for the characters involved.

Plot: 8

The plot takes a significant turn with the revelation of Dalton's true intentions, leading to a tense confrontation between the characters. The scene moves the story forward and sets up further conflict and resolution.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime genre by focusing on the emotional and moral dilemmas of the characters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions are central to the scene. Dalton's complex motives, Maddy's realization of the truth, and Sam's innocence add layers to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Maddy undergoes a significant realization about Dalton's true intentions, leading to a shift in her perception of him. Dalton also shows a vulnerable side, revealing his conflicted feelings towards Maddy and Sam.

Internal Goal: 8

Maddy's internal goal is to protect Sam and take responsibility for her actions. She feels guilty for involving Sam in her criminal activities and wants to shield him from harm.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to escape the bank and the dangerous situation they are in. They need to evade the clients waiting for them outside and find a way to leave without being caught.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving personal relationships, hidden agendas, and external threats. The characters are pushed to their limits, leading to a climactic confrontation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing difficult choices, moral dilemmas, and external threats. The audience is unsure of how the characters will overcome the obstacles they face.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters face imminent danger from Dalton's clients and must make difficult choices to ensure their survival. The threat of betrayal and violence adds tension and urgency to the situation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing crucial information about Dalton's past actions and setting up new conflicts and challenges for the characters. It paves the way for further developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected plot twists, character revelations, and the cliffhanger ending. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of deception, manipulation, and loyalty. Maddy and Dalton's conflicting values and actions challenge each other's beliefs and morals.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including tension, regret, and determination. The characters' internal struggles and external challenges create a powerful emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and reveals the true nature of the characters. The exchanges between Dalton and Maddy are tense and emotional, adding depth to their relationship.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional moments, sharp dialogue, and unexpected plot twists. The audience is invested in the characters' fates and the outcome of the situation.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and emotional beats. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful crime thriller, with a buildup of tension, emotional revelations, and a cliffhanger ending.


Critique
  • The dialogue is a bit too on-the-nose and expository. It would be more effective if it were more subtle and implied.
  • The scene is a bit too long and could be trimmed down to make it more concise and impactful.
  • The characters' motivations are not entirely clear. It would be helpful to provide more backstory and context so that the reader can better understand why they are doing what they are doing.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit anticlimactic. It would be more effective if there were a more dramatic or suspenseful moment to leave the reader on the edge of their seat.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to be more subtle and implied. For example, instead of having Dalton say "I'm sorry... I didn't count on-", you could have him say something like "I didn't think things would turn out this way."
  • Trim down the scene by cutting out unnecessary dialogue and action. For example, you could cut out the part where Dalton and Maddy discuss the plan to leave the bank.
  • Provide more backstory and context for the characters. For example, you could add a scene where Dalton and Maddy talk about their past relationship.
  • Rewrite the ending of the scene to be more dramatic or suspenseful. For example, you could have Dalton and Maddy be confronted by the mobsters who are after them.



Scene 35 -  Dalton's Threat: The Rooftop Standoff
EXT. ROOFTOP - DAY
AUSTIN (26), our SMALL FIGHTER from the Ultimate Fighter
Championship, stands on a rooftop overlooking the bank,
one hand on the phone, the other wrapped around Sam. The
cat with the canary.
AUSTIN
What’s up old man? Been a while.

INT. CAYMAN BRAC NATIONAL BANK - DAY
DALTON
Let me offer you some advice kid. Before
you make this unbelievably huge mistake,
in the long line of your unbelievably
huge mistakes, stop -- RIGHT NOW -- or
you will regret that we ever met.
AUSTIN
Awww, don’t get upset, it’s just
business, remember? You taught me that.
DALTON
If you harm a single HAIR on that kid’s
head, I will not rest until I hunt you
down and make you pay.

EXT. ROOFTOP - DAY
AUSTIN
You just do what you’re told pops and
walk the lady out front or the kid’s
gonna’ regret the day he met you.

INT. CAYMAN BRAC NATIONAL BANK - DAY
CLICK. The phone goes dead.
Dalton walks up to Maddy and whispers--
DALTON
I need a gun and a phone.
She gives him a knowing smile.
MADDY
Be right back.
101.


Maddy turns and heads for the door, trips and falls right
into the SECURITY GUARD, taking them both to the floor.
MADDY
Oh my God, I am SO sorry.
He helps her up.
SECURITY GUARD
Don’t worry about it Miss. No problem.
Dalton is there to assist.
DALTON
Honey are you OK?
She spins in close to Dalton, slipping the Security
Guard’s GUN into Dalton’s waistband under his shirt. She
slips the Guard’s CELLPHONE into Dalton’s pocket.
MADDY
Couldn’t be better. Let’s go get ‘em.
DALTON
We have to go out the front door.
She knows what that means.
MADDY
Wouldn’t have it any other way.
They walk.
DALTON
Stay close. When I say go, go. Don’t look
back and don’t wait for me. You take Sam
and you get as far away from here as fast
as you can. I’ll have a friend meet you
at the docks and take you to a safe
meeting place.
MADDY
What about you?
DALTON
Don’t worry about me, I do this for a
living remember?
MADDY
I thought that was over.
K-CLACK! HE POPS THE SLIDE BACK, CHAMBERING A ROUND.
DALTON
It’s about to be.
102.


Dalton slips the gun back into his waistband. Scoops up a
TRAVEL MAGAZINE from the waiting area and rolls it up
tight.
Just before the front door, down a side hallway, he sees
the FIRE ALARM and right below it a FIRE EXTINGUISHER.
He takes the rolled up magazine and quickly SMASHES THE
GLASS DOOR of the fire alarm.
HE PULLS THE ALARM.
Everyone in the bank starts to panic and race for the
front door.
Dalton hands the rolled up magazine to Maddy.
DALTON
Hold this.
He reaches down and grabs the FIRE EXTINGUISHER.
DALTON
Ready?
MADDY
As I’ll ever be.
DALTON
Stay close.
They march towards the front door.
DALTON
They’ll be two Goons on either side of
the front door ready to escort you into
their car.
MADDY
How do you- ?
DALTON
Trust me.
MADDY
You do this for a living. Got it.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary Austin, a small fighter, holds Sam on a rooftop overlooking the Cayman Brac National Bank, speaking to Dalton on the phone. Dalton threatens Austin not to harm Sam, as he and Maddy get a gun and a phone from the security guard. They walk out the front door with Sam, causing panic as Dalton had pulled the fire alarm. The scene is tense, with the main conflict being Dalton's threat to Austin, and it ends with Dalton, Maddy, and Sam exiting the bank.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • High stakes and tension
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue
  • Predictable escape plan

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-executed with a good balance of action, suspense, and character dynamics. It keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a daring escape from a bank under threat is compelling and well-developed. The tension and stakes are effectively conveyed.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and moves the story forward with a high level of conflict and suspense. The characters' motivations and actions drive the scene effectively.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar heist scenario but adds unique elements such as the use of a fire alarm distraction and character dynamics.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined and their interactions add depth to the scene. Dalton's protective instincts, Maddy's resourcefulness, and Sam's vulnerability create a compelling dynamic.

Character Changes: 8

Dalton undergoes a significant change in the scene, from a reluctant participant to a protector willing to sacrifice himself for Maddy and Sam. This transformation drives the emotional core of the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Austin's internal goal is to maintain control of the situation and protect Sam, showcasing his need for power and protection.

External Goal: 9

Austin's external goal is to successfully execute the bank heist and escape with Sam, reflecting the immediate challenge of the heist and the threat from Dalton.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with physical danger, emotional stakes, and moral dilemmas driving the action.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult challenges and uncertain outcomes.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the characters facing physical danger, moral dilemmas, and the threat of betrayal. The outcome will have significant consequences for their future.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward with a major turning point in Dalton's character arc and the escalating conflict with the antagonists. It sets up the next stage of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to unexpected character actions and plot twists.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between loyalty and self-preservation. Austin must balance his loyalty to Dalton with his own survival instincts.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and fear to determination and relief. The characters' relationships and choices add depth and resonance.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and motivations effectively. It adds to the overall tension and suspense of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its high stakes, fast-paced action, and suspenseful dialogue.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension and building suspense.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured format for a heist genre, with clear progression and escalating tension.


Critique
  • The dialogue is a bit flat and doesn't give us much insight into the characters or the situation.
  • The scene is a bit too long and could be trimmed down to make it more impactful.
  • The action is a bit confusing and it's hard to follow what's happening.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit abrupt and doesn't give us a satisfying resolution.
Suggestions
  • Add more detail to the dialogue to make the characters more relatable and give us more insight into their motivations.
  • Cut down on the exposition and get to the action faster.
  • Make the action more clear and easy to follow.
  • Give the scene a more satisfying resolution.



Scene 36 -  Dalton and Maddy's Daring Rescue
EXT. CAYMAN BRAC NATIONAL BANK - DAY
CUSTOMERS and BANK EMPLOYEES race out. TWO GOONS, one on
either side of the front door. Dalton and Maddy exit.
Dalton sprays the RIGHT GOON with the fire extinguisher.
He spins and smacks the LEFT GOON across the face with the
extinguisher. He hits the ground with a THUD.
103.


Dalton spins back to the RIGHT GOON, who’s charging him
from behind and WHAP, nails him in the groin with the
extinguisher.
TWO DOWN.
TWO MORE GOONS step out of the front seat of a WAITING
CAR.
Dalton takes the magazine from Maddy.
DALTON
Stay down.
Dalton runs up to the Goon getting out of the front
passenger seat.
He takes the rolled up magazine and JAMS it into the
GOON’S throat, sending him back against the car.
Dalton then grabs the Goon and spins him-
SLAMMING THE GOON’S HEAD right through the passenger side
window.
THE GOON getting out of the driver’s seat goes for his gun
but-
Dalton jumps up and over the hood of the car and plants a
foot right in the Goon’s face. Sends him into the street.
The Goon’s gun skips across the street through traffic
until a TRUCK runs it over and crushes it.
Dalton quickly scans the street.
DALTON’S POV
Looking West down the street. Nothing.
Looking East down the street. Nothing.
He looks across the street. Doesn’t see anybody.
He scans the ROOFTOPS across the street.
SEES HIM.
AUSTIN standing at the edge of the roof, with Sam held by
his side, staring right at Dalton. Taunting him.
Dalton draws his gun and races across the street. Maddy
follows.
The Goon in the street is on his knees trying to get up
but-
104.


Maddy walks by and kicks him in the nuts, sending back to
the ground.
Dalton reaches the door to the building/rooftop that
Austin is on and is about to kick open the door when-
VROOM! Austin screeches out from the alley on a MOTORCYCLE
and into oncoming traffic. Sam is on the back.
Dalton turns to find a TOURIST COUPLE slowly driving down
the street in a RENTAL CAR.
He jumps out in front of them.
The HUSBAND slams on the brakes.
HUSBAND
What the hell, are you crazy?
Dalton yanks the Husband out of the driver’s seat.
DALTON
I need to borrow your car.
HUSBAND
Borrow my what?
Maddy pulls the passenger door open and pulls the WIFE
out.
MADDY
Sorry but someone just kidnapped our son
and-
Say no more.
WIFE
Give them the car.
HUSBAND
What do mean-
WIFE
Give them the car. NOW!
The Husband hands Dalton the keys.
MADDY
Thanks so much.
WIFE
Go get your boy.
(to Husband)
Come on Harold.
Dalton dives into the driver’s seat and Maddy hops in.
105.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary Dalton and Maddy exit the bank, followed by four goons. After a tense fight, Dalton disables the goons and takes their car. Austin, who has kidnapped Sam, appears on a nearby rooftop, taunting Dalton. Maddy commandeers a rental car, and Dalton drives off in pursuit of Austin. The scene ends with Dalton and Maddy in hot pursuit, determined to rescue Sam.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • High-stakes conflict
  • Emotional depth of characters
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Some cliched action tropes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-executed with a high level of tension, action, and suspense. It keeps the audience engaged and on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a dramatic confrontation at a bank involving physical combat, car theft, and a motorcycle chase is engaging and well-developed.

Plot: 8

The plot is driven by the characters' actions and decisions in a high-stakes situation, leading to a thrilling and intense sequence.

Originality: 8

The scene features unique action sequences and character interactions, adding authenticity to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters display courage, resourcefulness, and determination in the face of danger, adding depth to the action-packed scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters show growth and development as they face challenges and make difficult decisions, deepening their relationships and bonds.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect and rescue his son, as evidenced by his actions to take down the goons and pursue the kidnapper.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to stop the kidnapper and rescue his son, reflecting the immediate challenge he is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with physical and emotional conflict, raising the stakes and keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple challenges and obstacles that keep the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the scene, including physical danger, emotional turmoil, and the threat of capture, add intensity and urgency to the action.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward with significant developments and reveals, setting the stage for the next phase of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected actions of the characters and the twists in the plot.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's sense of justice and the kidnapper's criminal actions. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes feelings of tension, fear, and determination, creating an emotional connection with the characters and their struggles.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal but effective in conveying the urgency and tension of the situation.

Engagement: 10

This scene is engaging due to its fast-paced action, high stakes, and emotional intensity.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and description to maintain tension and momentum.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows standard screenplay formatting, making it easy to visualize and understand.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a typical action sequence structure, building tension and escalating conflict effectively.


Critique
  • The scene is well-written. It is easy to read and understand. The action is exciting and the characters are well-developed.
  • The scene has a good balance of action and dialogue. The action scenes are exciting and the dialogue is engaging.
  • The characters are well-developed and believable. The reader can relate to them and their motivations.
  • The scene is well-paced. The action is fast-paced and the dialogue is concise.
  • The scene is well-written overall. It is engaging, exciting, and well-paced.
Suggestions
  • The scene could be improved by adding more details to the setting. The reader would benefit from knowing more about the bank and the surrounding area.
  • The scene could be improved by adding more conflict between the characters. The conflict between Dalton and Austin is not very intense and could be developed more.
  • The scene could be improved by adding more suspense. The reader should be kept on the edge of their seat throughout the scene.
  • The scene could be improved by adding more humor. The humor would help to lighten the mood and make the scene more enjoyable.
  • The scene could be improved by adding more surprises. The reader should be surprised by the events that occur in the scene.



Scene 37 -  High-Speed Chase
INT. RENTAL CAR - DAY
DALTON
Buckle up.
They peel away from the curb.
They hear the GPS NAVIGATION SYSTEM. It’s an annoying
computer generated female voice.
GPS
Re-calculating.
DALTON
See if you can turn that off.
Maddy scrambles to find the “off” switch. She can’t.
GPS
Please make a legal U-turn.

EXT. STREETS - DAY
Dalton swerves the rental car through oncoming traffic,
trying to catch up to Austin, who’s zigging and zagging
through traffic.
AUSTIN
Hold on kid. You don’t want to fall off
at this speed.

INT. RENTAL CAR - DAY
Dalton swerves through traffic, HORNS BLARING AT THEM,
DRIVERS screaming.
MADDY
You just don’t know how to make friends
do you?
DALTON
Nobody’s perfect.
GPS
In fifty yards, please turn left.
MADDY
Is Sam going to be-
DALTON
He’ll be fine. Austin won’t touch him
until he has me.
106.


EXT. STREETS - DAY
Austin ZOOMS through traffic, threading the needle between
the sea of oncoming cars.
SMASH! He takes out a rearview window on a car.
He turns back, smiling, seeing that Dalton is closing in.

INT. RENTAL CAR - DAY
Dalton sees Austin take a sharp left up ahead. Sees a sign-
“MARINA”
He pulls out the CELLPHONE Maddy got from the Security
Guard. Dials.
DALTON
Lucy.
GPS
Re-calculating.
DALTON
Please turn that thing off.
MADDY
Working on it.
DALTON
It’s me. I need a favor. I’m in a bit of
a jam.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Adventure"]

Summary Dalton commandeers a rental car with Maddy to pursue Austin, who has kidnapped Dalton's son Sam. They hear an annoying GPS navigation system, which they try to turn off unsuccessfully. Dalton swerves through traffic, causing horns and chaos, while Austin zooms ahead, taking out a car's rearview window. Dalton calls Lucy for help as the GPS continues to recalculate.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Effective pacing
  • Emotional depth in character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue
  • Predictable plot developments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-executed with a good balance of action, suspense, and character dynamics, keeping the audience engaged throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-stakes pursuit involving multiple characters in a dangerous situation is effectively portrayed, adding tension and excitement to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as Dalton, Maddy, and Sam are pursued by Austin, leading to a climactic confrontation that sets up the next stage of the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a classic chase scene, with the added element of the GPS navigation system and the characters' dynamic interactions.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' actions and interactions are consistent with their established personalities, adding depth and emotional resonance to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo some development, particularly in their relationships and dynamics, as they face the challenges of the pursuit.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect and ensure the safety of someone named Sam, as indicated by his reassurance to Maddy that Sam will be fine.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to catch up to Austin and resolve the situation they are in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is intense and multi-layered, with physical, emotional, and moral stakes driving the characters' decisions and actions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing multiple obstacles and challenges that keep the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters are in mortal danger, facing physical harm and emotional turmoil in their pursuit of safety and freedom.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward significantly, setting up new conflicts and resolutions that will drive the narrative towards its climax.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected obstacles and challenges the characters face while trying to catch up to Austin.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a conflict between the protagonist's desire to protect Sam and the dangerous situation they are in, which challenges his values of loyalty and responsibility.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene elicits a range of emotions from the audience, including tension, fear, and empathy for the characters' predicament.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is functional and serves to move the action forward, with some moments of tension and emotion between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high energy, suspenseful action, and dynamic character interactions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds suspense and maintains the high energy of the action sequence.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 7

The formatting of the scene effectively conveys the fast-paced nature of the action and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a high-intensity action sequence, with clear transitions between locations and characters.


Critique
  • The dialogue is somewhat forced and unnatural. For example, Dalton's line "Nobody's perfect" feels like a placeholder and doesn't really add anything to the scene.
  • The scene lacks a clear goal or objective for the characters. Dalton and Maddy are simply driving around, trying to catch up to Austin, but there's no sense of urgency or stakes.
  • The GPS navigation system is a bit too intrusive and takes away from the tension of the scene. It would be more effective to have the characters navigate on their own, without the help of a computer.
  • The scene doesn't really advance the plot. Austin kidnaps Sam in the previous scene, and Dalton and Maddy are still trying to catch up to him in this scene. There's no real progress made, and the scene feels like a filler.
Suggestions
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and believable.
  • Give the characters a clear goal or objective for the scene. For example, they could be trying to find a way to track Austin or to contact the police.
  • Remove the GPS navigation system or make it less intrusive.
  • Add some more action or suspense to the scene. For example, Dalton and Maddy could be chased by Austin's henchmen or they could be involved in a car accident.



Scene 38 -  Tuxedos and High-Speed Chases: A Cayman Brac Adventure
INT. GRAND CAYMAN TUXEDO - DAY
Toulouse is getting fitted for a tux. Maria is standing
behind him.
TOULOUSE
Little busy.
DALTON
How busy?
TOULOUSE
My fiance will kick my ass if I leave
busy.
DALTON
I’m in the Caymans. It’s bad.
TOULOUSE
How bad?
107.


DALTON
Your fiance’s going to kick your ass bad.
Toulouse takes a deep breath, knows this won’t go well
with Maria.
TOULOUSE
You owe me. BIG.

INT. RENTAL CAR - DAY
DALTON
Track the GPS on this phone number. We’re
heading towards the Cayman Brac Marina.
TOULOUSE
You got it. See you when I see you.

EXT. MARINA - DAY
Austin JUMPS THE MOTORCYCLE off the main dock and lands on
a mooring dock below.
They skid to a stop next to a small SPEED BOAT.
Austin leaps off and grabs Sam. Pulls him onto the boat.
SAM
Dalton is so gonna’ kick your ass.
AUSTIN
You better hope so.
Austin GUNS the boat away from the dock, hits a button,
the front end of the boat lifts completely out of the
water and that’s when we realize it’s a-
HYDROFOIL BOAT.
Dalton screeches into the parking lot.
GPS
Please make a legal U-turn.
MADDY
There they are!
They see Austin’s boat racing towards the mouth of the
harbor.
Dalton guns it.
MADDY
What’s the plan?
108.


DALTON
No idea.
MADDY
This isn’t one of your no idea ‘cause you
don’t have to have an idea ideas is it?
DALTON
Nope.
MADDY
Just checking.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary In the bustling Grand Cayman Tuxedo store, Toulouse gets measured for a tux, revealing his inability to leave due to his fiancée's disapproval. Meanwhile, Dalton requests Toulouse's assistance in tracking a phone number's GPS location. Simultaneously, Austin kidnaps Sam, escaping on a hydrofoil boat after jumping on it with a motorcycle at Cayman Brac Marina. Upon witnessing the spectacle, Dalton and Maddy give chase in a car, transitioning the scene from the tuxedo store to the high-speed boat pursuit.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Emotionally charged dialogue
  • High stakes and urgency
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue
  • Lack of clear plan during pursuit

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is action-packed, suspenseful, and emotionally charged, keeping the audience engaged throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a thrilling pursuit to rescue a character in danger is executed effectively with high tension and fast-paced action.

Plot: 9

The plot is driven by the urgent need to save Sam, leading to a series of escalating conflicts and intense moments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces fresh elements such as the use of a hydrofoil boat and the characters' witty banter, adding authenticity and originality to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are driven by their desire to protect Sam, showcasing their determination and bravery in the face of danger.

Character Changes: 7

The characters show growth and development as they come together to protect Sam, forming a stronger bond and facing their past mistakes.

Internal Goal: 8

Toulouse's internal goal is to protect his relationship with his fiance and maintain her trust. This reflects his deeper need for stability and love in his life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to assist Dalton in a risky mission involving tracking a phone number and navigating through the marina. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the need to succeed in their mission.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high as the characters face physical danger and emotional turmoil while trying to outsmart the antagonist.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing obstacles and challenges that create uncertainty and drive the conflict forward.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high as the characters risk their lives to save Sam from a dangerous situation, adding tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward with intense action and crucial character decisions, leading to a significant turning point in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the characters' uncertain outcomes and the unexpected use of a hydrofoil boat, adding suspense and tension to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' willingness to take risks and face consequences for their actions. It challenges their beliefs about loyalty, trust, and the value of relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, as the characters' love and determination shine through in the face of adversity.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and impactful, conveying the urgency of the situation and the characters' emotions effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and high-stakes conflict, keeping the audience invested in the characters' journey.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and description that maintains the tension and momentum of the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a buildup of tension towards the climax.


Critique
  • The scene is too short and doesn't provide enough context or build-up to the action that follows.
  • The dialogue is stilted and unnatural, and the characters don't feel fully developed.
  • The action is confusing and hard to follow, and it's not clear what the stakes are or what the characters are trying to achieve.
  • The scene ends abruptly, without any resolution or payoff.
  • The scene is missing a clear goal or objective for the characters, which makes it difficult to engage with.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene earlier, providing more context and build-up to the action that follows.
  • Rewrite the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging, and develop the characters more fully.
  • Simplify the action and make it easier to follow, and clarify the stakes and what the characters are trying to achieve.
  • Add a resolution or payoff to the scene, and give the characters a clear goal or objective.



Scene 39 -  A Daring Escape: Austin Outsmarts Dalton and Evades Pursuit
EXT. MARINA - DAY
The rental car barrels toward the end of the marina,
slowly catching up to the Hydrofoil.
But Austin has a trick up his sleeve and when he hits a
SECOND SWITCH on the boat it lurches forward at an even
higher speed.
AUSTIN
Rocket powered.
Sam can’t help himself.
SAM
OK, that’s pretty cool.
Dalton can see that they’re getting away, but he’s pushing
the car to its limit.
And then he sees it.
Crawling towards the mouth of the Harbor.
A CIGARETTE RACING BOAT. Thirty feet offshore.
DALTON
Now I have an idea.
MADDY
Great, what is it?
DALTON
You don’t want to know.
MADDY
What do you mean I don’t want to know?
DALTON
Undo your seat belt and when I say jump,
jump.
He sees another SMALL PIER up ahead. PERFECT.
109.


He swerves towards it. GUNNING IT.
GPS
Please make a legal U-turn.
Maddy sees what’s about to happen.
MADDY
I’m with her.
DALTON
We’re gonna’ jump and land on that boat.
MADDY
We’re gonna what?
The rental car soars off the pier and arcs out over the
harbor and right over the Cigarette Boat.
DALTON
Jump!
They leap from the car, flying over and onto the boat.
The landing’s a little rough.
The rental car SPLASHES down past them.

INT. RENTAL CAR/UNDERWATER - DAY
Flooded with water, sinking.
GPS
Re-calculating.

EXT. MARINA - DAY
The DRIVER OF THE BOAT isn’t happy, but all Dalton has to
do is show him his gun and the Driver dives overboard.
MADDY
We’ll bring it right back!
Dalton jumps behind the wheel and guns it out of the
Marina.

EXT. OCEAN - DAY
It’s a FULL SPEED CHASE as Dalton rockets towards Austin
and Sam.
SAM
Here he comes. You’re in trouble now.
110.


AUSTIN
Shut up!
SAM
Whattya’ scared?
He doesn’t answer. He doesn’t have to. HE IS.
Austin sees a LUXURY YACHT up ahead. Austin smiles.
Dalton keeps a close eye on Austin as he moves in for the
kill.
But then something strange happens.
Austin fishtails his boat around the backside of the Yacht
and we lose him.
Dalton speeds ahead and cuts around the back side of the
Yacht to find that Austin has-
VANISHED.
He circles around to the back of the boat and sees it.
The Yacht’s BOAT RAMP closing. Austin is inside.
CLACK, CLACK, CLACK!
Dalton and Maddy look up to find several heavily armed
ASSASSINS staring down at them, guns drawn, Dalton and
Maddy dead in their sights.
AUSTIN
Welcome home old man.
Dalton raises his arms and tosses his gun overboard.
Maddy raises hers.
MADDY
Is this part of your-
DALTON
Nope.
MADDY
Awesome.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary In a high-speed chase, Austin's rocket-powered boat outpaces Dalton's car, leading him to a cigarette racing boat. Dalton and Maddy jump onto the boat and chase after Austin and Sam, who outsmart Dalton by disappearing onto a luxury yacht filled with armed assassins. The scene ends with Dalton and Maddy facing off against the assassins, while Austin reveals that this was part of his plan all along.
Strengths
  • High-stakes action
  • Intense suspense
  • Innovative chase sequence
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Minimal emotional depth in dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is action-packed, suspenseful, and filled with high stakes, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats. The innovative elements and intense conflict contribute to a thrilling viewing experience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a high-speed chase involving boats and a daring jump adds excitement and tension to the scene. The use of unconventional methods to catch the antagonist and the unexpected disappearance of the villain create a sense of unpredictability.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around Dalton and Maddy's pursuit of Austin, who has kidnapped Sam. The high-speed chase and the confrontation with armed assassins drive the plot forward and increase the tension.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as rocket-powered boats and a daring escape plan involving jumping onto a racing boat. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Dalton, Maddy, and Austin are involved in intense action sequences, showcasing their determination and resourcefulness. However, there is limited character development in this scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there is limited character development in this scene, Dalton's protective instincts and Maddy's determination to save Sam are highlighted. The characters' actions reflect their growth and commitment to each other.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to outsmart and outmaneuver the antagonists while keeping himself and his companions safe. This reflects his desire to protect those he cares about and his fear of failing to do so.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from the antagonists and reach safety. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances of being pursued and the challenges of navigating a high-speed chase.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, including the pursuit of the antagonist, the confrontation with armed assassins, and the high-speed chase on the water. The escalating tension and danger create a sense of urgency and suspense.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple obstacles and adversaries that challenge his abilities and decision-making.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high in the scene as Dalton and Maddy risk their lives to save Sam from Austin. The intense action sequences and dangerous situations raise the stakes and create a sense of urgency and danger.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by resolving the immediate conflict of rescuing Sam from Austin. The high-speed chase and the confrontation with armed assassins lead to a significant turning point in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turns of events, such as the protagonist's escape plan and the sudden appearance of heavily armed assassins.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's moral code and the choices he makes under pressure. The presence of heavily armed assassins challenges his values and forces him to make difficult decisions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes emotions of fear, excitement, and relief as the characters navigate through dangerous situations to save Sam. The high stakes and intense action sequences engage the audience and create a sense of empathy for the characters.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene is focused on action and urgency, with minimal character interactions. While the dialogue serves its purpose in advancing the plot and building tension, it lacks depth and emotional resonance.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high-octane action, suspenseful moments, and unexpected plot twists that keep the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted to build tension and suspense, with a balance of action sequences, character interactions, and plot developments that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for an action-packed sequence, with clear descriptions of the setting, character actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a high-speed chase sequence, with escalating tension, a daring escape plan, and a cliffhanger ending.


Critique
  • The scene starts with action, but it lacks a clear goal or objective for Dalton and Maddy. It's not clear what they're trying to achieve or why they're pursuing Austin.
  • The dialogue could be more concise and impactful. There are several unnecessary lines that slow down the pace and don't contribute to the scene's overall purpose.
  • The introduction of the Cigarette Racing Boat feels forced and unlikely. It's not clear how Dalton knew about the boat or why it would be available at the right moment.
  • The action sequence lacks tension and suspense. Dalton and Maddy easily jump onto the boat, and there's no real sense of danger or urgency.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Dalton and Maddy surrounded by assassins. It's a cliffhanger, but it doesn't leave the reader with a strong desire to know what happens next.
Suggestions
  • Give Dalton and Maddy a clear goal or objective in the scene. What are they trying to achieve by pursuing Austin?
  • Tighten up the dialogue and remove any unnecessary lines that don't contribute to the scene's overall purpose.
  • Find a more organic way to introduce the Cigarette Racing Boat. Perhaps Dalton could have spotted it earlier in the scene and planned to use it to his advantage.
  • Increase the tension and suspense in the action sequence. Make it clear that Dalton and Maddy are in danger and that their lives are on the line.
  • Give the scene a stronger ending. Resolve the cliffhanger or provide a hint of what's to come in the next scene.



Scene 40 -  The Betrayal and Takeover on a Luxurious Yacht
INT. YACHT - DAY
Dalton, Maddy and Sam are all tied to uncomfortable metal
chairs in the middle of a large living room area.
Austin finishes tying up Maddy and Sam.
111.


DALTON
OK kid you got me. You win. You’re the
man. Let them go.
AUSTIN
It’s always about you isn’t? You never
wanted me to succeed.
DALTON
You never listened. You’re dangerous.
AUSTIN
To your career. You knew this day was
coming and you did everything you could
to delay it but here it is and here I am.
Sure I could just kill you and let them
go, I’d still become top dog in town but
imagine, just imagine, how high my quote
is gonna’ go when I kill you AND finish
the job that you couldn’t.
DALTON
You don’t want to do this, he’s a kid for
chrissake!
AUSTIN
But far from innocent. Right Mom?
MADDY
He didn’t have anything to do with it. It
was always me. Just me.
AUSTIN
Then I guess it’s on you.
DALTON
I knew Carl should never have recruited
you.
CARL
Now that hurts Dalton.
Dalton turns to find Carl entering the room.
DALTON
You sunnuvabitch!
CARL
Careful, there are children present.
DALTON
You sold me out!
CARL
What did you expect me to do? My best
operative just ups and decides to quit.
Go legit. Leave me hanging. Told you I
wasn’t going to let that happen.
(MORE)
112.

CARL (CONT’D)
Remember it’s not how you whack, it’s who
you whack. Whacking you is going make
Austin a star. My star. I mean I have a
huge overhead.
(re: the yacht)
Look at this thing. I am accustomed to
living my life with certain luxuries.
Good champagne, fine women, jet skis,
parasailing.
DALTON
Well it’s about to be over.
CARL
For you. And that’s what you wanted,
right? I’m just giving you what you asked
for. I mean what are friends for?
Dalton starts to laugh. A big deep BELLY LAUGH. It’s a
little unsettling.
Austin and Carl share a look. “Has Dalton finally lost
it?”
Austin moves in close, raising his silenced SIG to
Dalton’s forehead.
DALTON
You know what the key to a successful
interrogation is?
AUSTIN
Enlighten me.
DALTON
Tying a good knot.
Dalton launches up from his seat and drives his forearm
right into Austin’s chin, sending him to the floor.
He quickly grabs the chair he was tied to and SWINGS IT.
CRACK! Takes down a charging Assassin.
A SECOND ASSASSIN aims and shoots but Dalton spins and
blocks the bullet with the chair as he races towards him.
THUMP! Dalton jams the Assassin up against the wall with
the chair, knocking the gun out of his hand.
Dalton pulls the Assassin’s head back with one hand and
CRACK! Punches him dead center in the throat with his
other. The Assassin’s eyes roll into the back of his head
and he slumps to the floor. OUT.
Dalton tucks and rolls across the floor, scooping up
Austin’s SIG.
113.


He leaps to his feet and POP, POP! Takes out two Assassins
racing into the room.
He turns to take out Carl but he’s GONE.
Dalton quickly unties Maddy and Sam. HANDS HER THE GUN.
DALTON
Get him up on deck, take him to the stern
and wait for me.
MADDY
The stern?
SAM
The back of the boat Mom.
MADDY
Isn’t he the greatest?
DALTON
Love him to death.
MADDY
Lets hope not.
DALTON
Go!
She kisses him.
DALTON
See you soon.
MADDY
You better.
Maddy and Sam snake out of the room.
Dalton bolts down the opposite hallway.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Crime"]

Summary Dalton, a seasoned professional, is tied up in a yacht's living room along with Maddy and Sam, innocent bystanders. Austin, an ambitious young man, reveals his plan to kill Dalton and become the top dog in town, with the help of Dalton's former friend, Carl. After a tense exchange, Dalton overpowers Austin and his assassins, grabs a gun, and sends Maddy and Sam to the stern to wait for him. The scene ends with Dalton bolting down the opposite hallway to find Carl.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Dramatic dialogue
  • Complex character relationships
  • High-stakes conflict
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue
  • Predictable character dynamics

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a well-executed action sequence, intense dialogue, and significant character development. It keeps the audience on the edge of their seats and sets up a compelling climax.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a final showdown on a yacht, involving betrayal, revenge, and high stakes, is well-executed. It adds tension and depth to the overall story.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly in this scene, with key revelations, confrontations, and character dynamics coming to a head. The action-packed sequence drives the narrative forward and sets up the resolution.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the crime genre, with unexpected character actions and witty dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' interactions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their relationships are explored in depth. Dalton's determination, Maddy's resilience, and Sam's innocence add layers to the scene and drive the emotional impact.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in this scene, particularly Dalton, who confronts his past and makes a pivotal decision to protect his loved ones. Maddy and Sam also show resilience and courage in the face of danger.

Internal Goal: 8

Dalton's internal goal is to protect his loved ones and maintain his reputation in the criminal underworld. He also wants to prove his skills and resourcefulness in a dangerous situation.

External Goal: 7

Dalton's external goal is to defeat his enemies and escape the dangerous situation on the yacht.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving personal vendettas, betrayals, and high stakes. The action sequences and confrontations heighten the tension and drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult challenges and uncertain outcomes. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with lives on the line, betrayals exposed, and the future of the characters hanging in the balance. The intense action and emotional turmoil heighten the sense of danger and urgency.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward towards the climax, resolving key conflicts and setting up the final showdown. It reveals crucial information, deepens character relationships, and raises the stakes for the resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected character actions, plot twists, and shifting power dynamics. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around loyalty, betrayal, and the consequences of one's actions. Dalton's belief in loyalty is challenged by the betrayal of his former allies.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and anxiety to determination and resilience. The characters' struggles and sacrifices resonate with the audience, creating a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense, revealing character motivations, conflicts, and betrayals. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the tension between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action sequences, witty dialogue, and high stakes. The audience is kept on the edge of their seats throughout.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast pace, building tension, and delivering impactful action sequences at the right moments.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format for its genre, with clear character motivations, escalating tension, and a satisfying resolution.


Critique
  • This scene is similar to many action scenes in movies, which is not necessarily bad, but it starts to follow some of the same patterns and cliches we often see in cinema. Although it has stylized action, it doesn't stand out as unique.
  • The dialogue in the scene is a little stilted and unnatural. It doesn't feel very realistic, and it sometimes feels like the characters are just talking to each other to move the plot along.
  • The scene is very fast-paced, which makes it difficult to follow at times. It might be helpful to slow down the pace a bit and give the reader more time to process what's happening.
Suggestions
  • Try to make the action more unique and stylized. Think about ways to make the fight scenes more visually interesting and memorable.
  • Give the characters more time to develop and interact with each other. Let the reader get to know them better and understand their motivations.
  • Slow down the pace of the scene a bit and give the reader more time to process what's happening. This will help to build suspense and make the scene more exciting.



Scene 41 -  Escape from the Yacht: A Daring Parasail Getaway
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Dalton makes his way deeper into the ship. He’s looking
for something specific but we don’t know what.
Down a staircase. Another hallway. Through another set of
doors and then he finds what he’s looking for.
THE WEAPONS CACHE.
Glass door cabinet holding MACHINE GUNS, PISTOLS, GRENADE
LAUNCHERS, EXPLOSIVES, WIRES, DETONATORS, ETC.
He has an idea. He pulls the CARD Sam gave him out of his
pocket.
114.


He smiles. This is gonna’ be fun.

EXT. ON DECK/STERN - DAY
CLOSE ON an ASSASSIN pacing back and forth at the stern of
the ship.
SAM
Hey Mister can you help me? I’m lost.
He spins to find Sam, all cute and smiley, waiving at him.
He raises his gun.
ASSASSIN
Hold it right there kid.
THWACK! Maddy nails him on the back of the head with her
gun. His eyes go blank as he tips out of frame.
MADDY
Don’t you EVER point a gun at my kid!

SAM
You’re pretty badass.

MADDY
Thank you.

EXT. ON DECK/BOW - DAY
Dalton races on deck and is greeted by THREE THUGS. Guns
drawn, fingers tightening on their triggers.
But Dalton is lightning fast and with a blink he’s right
on top of the FIRST THUG and has him in a choker hold.
He spins the Thug and uses him as a human shield from the
SECOND THUG’S gunshot.
He springs into the second Thug, hitting him with several
body blows before he even feels the first one. Second Thug
hits the deck.
Dalton twirls, now with the Second Thug’s gun in his hand
and-
BANG, BANG! Shoots the third Thug in the foot. He falls
back over the railing and SPLASHES into the ocean.
Dalton races towards the stern.
115.


EXT. ON DECK/STERN - DAY
Dalton arrives, winded. He looks around, whispers.
DALTON
Maddy. Sam.
MADDY
Looking for someone?
He turns to find both Maddy and Sam poking their heads out
from the canvas cover of a lifeboat.
DALTON
Come on, we don’t have much time.
Dalton gets to the back of the boat where he finds what
he’s looking for. A small platform and PARASAILING RIG.
He straps all three of them into the harness, which is
attached to a electric winch by a thick rope.
MADDY
You sure this is going to work?
DALTON
Not at all.
MADDY
You really need to work on your self-
confidence.
DALTON
Noted.
Dalton releases the PARACHUTE attached to their harness
and with a kick of his foot, the winch turns on and starts
to let them out on the line.
That’s when they see the SPEEDBOAT tying up to the Yacht.
SAM
That can’t be good.
MADDY
Who’s that?
DALTON
The client.

MADDY
The Mob?

DALTON
The Mob.
116.


SAM
Definitely not good.
We see several angry-looking MOB GOONS climbing up on
deck.
Dalton, Maddy and Sam continue to soar higher over the
Yacht.
DALTON
A little higher and we’ll be clear.
MADDY
Of what?
DALTON
The explosion.
That’s when the Mob Goons see them and-

MADDY
I’d like to go home now.
OPEN FIRE!

Maddy moves to shield Sam with her body.

MADDY
Sam get down!

And Dalton shields Maddy...
The PARACHUTE SHREDS and they start to drop.
SAM
And we’re falling.
DALTON
Yup.
SAM
Right into their hands.
Dalton looks a little worried.
DALTON
That’s the least of our problems.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary Dalton discovers a weapons cache, signaling a plan. Simultaneously, Sam and Maddy confront and eliminate an assassin on deck. Dalton engages in a fierce battle with three thugs. As the mob approaches, the trio prepares to escape using a parasailing rig attached to an electric winch. The mob starts shooting as they descend towards the deck, leading to a cliffhanger ending.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Dramatic tension
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with action, suspense, and emotional moments that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a daring escape and confrontation on a yacht adds excitement and tension to the story.

Plot: 9

The plot is fast-paced, filled with twists and turns, and drives the story forward towards a climactic confrontation.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the action genre with its dynamic character interactions, unexpected twists, and high emotional stakes. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show bravery, determination, and a strong bond as they face danger together.

Character Changes: 7

The characters show growth and resilience as they face danger and make tough decisions.

Internal Goal: 8

Dalton's internal goal is to protect Maddy and Sam, showcasing his sense of responsibility and care for others.

External Goal: 7

Dalton's external goal is to escape from the mob goons and the impending explosion, reflecting the immediate danger and challenges he faces.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the protagonists and the antagonists is intense and drives the action forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing multiple threats and obstacles that challenge their survival and decision-making.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high, with the characters' lives on the line and a tense confrontation with dangerous adversaries.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story towards a climactic resolution, setting up the final showdown.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists, character choices, and escalating stakes that keep the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the value of sacrifice and protection. Dalton, Maddy, and Sam are willing to risk their lives to save each other, highlighting their strong moral compass and sense of duty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and empathy for the characters, creating an emotional connection with the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high-octane action, witty dialogue, and emotional moments that keep the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and momentum, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to the expected format for an action-packed sequence, with clear descriptions and concise action lines.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure that builds tension and suspense effectively, leading to a climactic moment.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Dalton looking for something specific in the weapons cache, but it is not clear what he is looking for.
  • The transition between the weapons cache and the deck is abrupt and could be smoother.
  • The fight scene on the deck is well-written, but it is a bit too long and could be shortened to keep the pace of the scene moving.
  • The dialogue between Dalton, Maddy, and Sam is a bit forced and could be more natural.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit confusing, as it is not clear what happens to Dalton, Maddy, and Sam after they start to fall.
Suggestions
  • Add a line or two to explain what Dalton is looking for in the weapons cache.
  • Add a transition scene to show Dalton moving from the weapons cache to the deck.
  • Shorten the fight scene on the deck by cutting out some of the unnecessary details.
  • Rewrite the dialogue between Dalton, Maddy, and Sam to make it more natural.
  • Add a line or two to clarify what happens to Dalton, Maddy, and Sam after they start to fall.



Scene 42 -  Dangerous Escape and Beach Wedding
INT. SHIP/HALLWAY - DAY
AT THE WEAPONS CACHE. Carl and Austin arrive, hearts
pounding.
They open the doors to find-
117.


THE MUSICAL CARD that Sam gave Dalton sitting on the
shelf.
CARL
Always so dramatic.
Austin grabs a ROCKET LAUNCHER.
AUSTIN
This is gonna’ be fun.
Carl grabs the card and opens it. The CHEESY JAMES BOND
THEME RIP-OFF plays.
AND THEY KNOW.
Camera FLIES into the cabinet and around the back of the
card to find wires coming out of the card. Camera then
races along the wires to find them connected to a
detonator, which is attached to the explosives, which-
CARL/AUSTIN
Oh, shi-

EXT. ON DECK - DAY
With Dalton, Maddy and Sam FALLING back towards the deck
of the ship.
DALTON/MADDY/SAM
Shoot.
And that’s when TOULOUSE SWOOPS DOWN in a SEAPLANE and
SCOOPS THE PARACHUTE UP with one of the plane’s LANDING
PONTOONS-
Dragging them away from the Yacht as-
BOOM! The Yacht EXPLODES IN A HUGE FIREBALL!
SAM
That was awesome!
MADDY
We did it!
Maddy gives Dalton a big hug. Kisses him on the cheek.
DALTON
Yes we did. Yes we did.
Dalton, Maddy and Sam are silhouetted against the fireball
as they fly away to safety.
118.


EXT. BEACH WEDDING - SUNSET
CLOSE ON THE PRIEST.
PRIEST
I now pronounce you man and wife. You may
kiss the bride.

WIDER as Toulouse leans in to kiss Maria. Dalton is by his
side, his best man, his best friend. It’s a small intimate
wedding.
Maddy and Sam have front row seats. Maddy’s tearing up a
little. Dalton looks back and smiles at them.
PRIEST
It is my privilege to present Mr. and
Mrs. Toulouse Holliday.
And the crowd goes wild.

EXT. BEACH WEDDING - SUNSET
Later. Dalton is on the beach with Toulouse and Maria.
DALTON
He’s all yours.
MARIA
You promise?
DALTON
As long as you promise to take care of
him.
MARIA
I just did.
DALTON
Good point.
TOULOUSE
So what are you going to do now?
DALTON
Me? I’m on vacation. For the rest of my
life.
MADDY (O.C.)
COME ON DALTON!
He turns to find Maddy and Sam on one HORSE, Maddy holding
a second HORSE for Dalton.
SAM
Lets go!
119.


DALTON
Gotta’ grow up some time.
TOULOUSE
Yes we do. See you when I see you.
Dalton races over to Maddy and Sam, leaping onto the
horse. He takes a look around, soaking it all in.
DALTON
I could really use a vacation.
MADDY
Me too.
DALTON
I was hoping you’d say that.
MADDY
Whattya think kiddo’?
SAM
Yes!
And with that Dalton finally rides off into the SUNSET
with his BEAUTIFUL DAMSEL... and her son... And they
couldn’t be happier.
FADE OUT.

- THE END - *
Genres: ["Action","Adventure","Thriller","Romance"]

Summary Carl and Austin discover a musical card with detonator wired to explosives on the yacht, putting everyone in danger. Amidst the chaos, Toulouse marries Maria on the beach, with Dalton as his best man. After saying their goodbyes, Dalton rides off into the sunset with Maddy and Sam, leaving the explosive-laden yacht behind.
Strengths
  • Engaging action sequences
  • Emotional depth
  • Satisfying resolution
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched elements in the beach wedding scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is action-packed, emotionally resonant, and ties up loose ends effectively, providing a satisfying conclusion to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using a musical card as a detonator is unique and adds a surprising twist to the action sequence. The scene effectively combines action, romance, and resolution.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging, with a high level of tension and excitement as the characters face off against the antagonists. The resolution at the beach wedding provides a satisfying conclusion.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as a musical card with explosives and a seaplane rescue, adding fresh twists to the action genre. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with clear motivations and emotional arcs. The family dynamic between Dalton, Maddy, and Sam is heartwarming and adds depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant growth and change, particularly Dalton, who finds redemption and a new purpose in life.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to find peace and happiness after the dangerous events on the ship. This is reflected in his decision to go on vacation for the rest of his life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to survive the explosive situation on the ship and ensure the safety of his friends.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the protagonists and antagonists is intense and drives the action forward, leading to a climactic showdown on the yacht.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene adds tension and uncertainty, creating obstacles for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with the characters facing life-threatening situations and emotional challenges that test their bonds and resolve.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward, resolving key conflicts and setting up a satisfying conclusion.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists and turns in the action, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of taking responsibility for one's actions and finding happiness in the midst of chaos.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, with moments of tension, joy, and resolution that resonate with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is effective in conveying emotions and moving the plot forward. The interactions between the characters feel authentic and engaging.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mix of action, humor, and heartfelt moments, keeping the audience invested in the characters' journey.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action sequences and emotional moments that keep the story moving forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, a climax with the explosive situation, and a resolution at the beach wedding.


Critique
  • The scene is filled with action and suspense, but it could benefit from a clearer structure. The conflict between Dalton and Austin/Carl is resolved quickly, and the introduction of the mob feels a bit abrupt.
  • The dialogue could be improved to make the characters more distinct. For example, Maddy's line "That was awesome!" feels a bit out of character, and it would be more impactful if she expressed her relief or gratitude in a different way.
  • The ending of the scene is a bit anticlimactic. Dalton, Maddy, and Sam escape easily, and the explosion of the yacht doesn't have much impact.
  • Toulouse's appearance at the wedding feels a bit forced.
  • The overall tone of the scene is a bit inconsistent. It starts out as a tense and action-packed thriller, but it ends on a light and humorous note with the ending banter between Dalton and Maddy.
Suggestions
  • Repurpose the musical greeting card. It is an exciting addition to the script, but should be connected with a bigger storyline. Consider it as a trap for Dalton, or a way for the mob to keep track of Dalton's location.
  • Split the scene into two. The first part could focus on the conflict between Dalton and Austin/Carl, ending with the discovery of the detonator. The second part could focus on Dalton, Maddy, and Sam's escape, and the arrival of Toulouse.
  • Give Maddy a more active role in the scene. She's a skilled fighter, so she could take out some of the assassins or help Dalton with the detonator.
  • Add a moment of reflection or resolution between Dalton and Austin/Carl before the fight. This would give the conflict more emotional weight.
  • Give the ending of the scene more impact. Dalton, Maddy, and Sam could have a close call with the mob, or they could witness the destruction of the yacht from a safe distance.
  • Cut the wedding scene. It's a nice moment, but it doesn't feel necessary for the story.
  • Consider changing the tone of the ending to be more consistent with the rest of the scene. The banter between Dalton and Maddy could be more serious or suspenseful.