Read Hey Guys! with its analysis


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Scene 1 -  Karen's Chaotic Morning
INT. VARIOUS HOUSES – VARIOUS ROOMS – DAY


MONTAGE AS KIDS AROUND THE WORLD WATCH THE SAME YOUTUBE
VIDEO:

— A GIRL HIDES BEHIND A COUCH WATCHING HER PHONE, AS HER DAD
IS HYPNOTIZED BY THE TV.

— A BOY ON A LAPTOP GAZES AT THE VIDEO WHILE HIS PARENTS
ARGUE VIOLENTLY.

— 3 SIBLINGS, EACH SITTING NEXT TO EACH OTHER AT THE DINNER
TABLE. EACH WATCHING ON THEIR PHONE, WHILE THEIR MOM IS
OUTSIDE ON THE PORCH, SMOKING A CIGARETTE.


PENNY (V.O.)
Hey Guys! This is Penny.

CAPTAIN (V.O.)
And I’m Captain.

FADE IN:


EXT. A MODEST, WORKING CLASS NEIGHBORHOOD - MORNING

SUPERIMPOSE: CLEVELAND, OHIO


EXT. KAREN’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS


INT. KAREN’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

We meander through a VERY SMALL, DISORGANIZED HOUSE. Dishes
piled. A dune of ungraded essays and unpaid bills on the
dining room table. Cozy chaos.

PENNY (V.O.)
And today, we’re sharing our
morning ritual, to make sure we can
squeeze as much life out of the day
as possible.

Besides the clutter, the home and décor are hopelessly
outdated. Wood paneling. Bad wallpaper. Afghan blankets. Old
lady furniture.
2.


INT. SIMONE’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

By contrast to the rest of the house, Karen’s daughter’s room
is a living Pinterest board. Clean, spare, modern and
organized; it has been meticulously appointed.

On the bed, SIMONE SCHITZLINGER, a cute, thin, well dressed
13 year old, sits transfixed by the YouTube video she is
watching on her tablet. She wears headphones, in her happy
place.

On the screen, PENELOPE (PENNY) BRIGHTON is sitting cross-
legged on a yoga mat in a spa-type setting. She is the
picture of ‘living your best life’: a cute, thin, dressed in
expensive yoga gear, and super-positive mom of forty.

PENNY
Ok, Captain. Let’s review our
morning checklist. First, wake up
at 5AM ...

CAPTAIN BRIGHTON is a slightly chubby eight year old boy,
wearing workout gear that matches his mom’s, and brand new
top of the line sneakers.

CAPTAIN
Dang. We can’t check that one off.

PENNY
Why not?

CAPTAIN
Because we got up at 4:30. Boom!

Mom and son dab each other up in celebration.

Simone checks the time: 7:09. Without looking up or removing
her headphones...

SIMONE
Hey Mom? Almost time to go!

We scan the house.


INT. KAREN’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

KAREN SCHITZLINGER, a harried, forty-something, Ruebenesque
working mom wearing a matted mask of her own long hair,
springs to life.

Karen looks frantically for the alarm clock, finally finding
it on the floor. Seeing the time...
3.


KAREN
Oh, motherpussbucket!!!!

Karen looks out the window to see the GARBAGE TRUCK roll up
in front of the house. See scans to see her trash cans parked
in their usual spot and not on the curb.

KAREN (CONT'D)
Wait!


EXT. KAREN’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Karen sprints, in her cozy nightshirt and bare feet out into
the yard and pushes the full trash bin down the driveway like
a blocking sled towards the garbage truck, which is slow
rolling to the neighbor’s house.

KAREN
What’s in this thing?

Despite the heavy bin, she doubles her efforts.


INT. SIMONE’S ROOM

Simon listens intently.

PENNY
5:15, High intensity interval
training. Getting the blood pumping
first thing releases endorphins,
which really enhances your mood.


EXT. KAREN’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Karen is grunting, sweating, and faux-swearing as she pushes
the cart uphill toward the truck.

KAREN
Stop! You cockwaffle!

For a moment, it looks like Karen is going to catch the
truck.


INT. SIMONE’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Simone listens to her guru...

PENNY
It’s so important to ease into the
day peacefully.
4.


In the window next to Simone, we see at a distance Karen
running full speed, until the bin hits a crack in the
sidewalk and suddenly slams to a halt. Karen’s momentum
carries her and the bin CRASHES OVER, spilling trash all over
the sidewalk and herself. Meanwhile, Karen rolls, ass over
teakettle, spilling out onto the sidewalk, her NIGHTSHIRT
OVER HER HEAD.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary The scene follows Karen, a harried working mom, as she struggles to keep up with the perfect morning routine promoted by her YouTube role model, Penny. Despite her best efforts, Karen's morning unravels into a humorous mishap when she crashes the trash bin while rushing to put it out before the garbage truck leaves.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Well-defined characters
  • Engaging concept
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the tone and introduces the characters in a humorous and engaging way, with a good balance of chaos and comedy.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of contrasting the morning routines of different family members in the same household is unique and engaging, providing insight into their personalities.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the morning rituals of the characters, leading to comedic situations and character dynamics.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh and humorous take on the everyday struggles of a working mom, balancing themes of family, technology, and self-care. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their personalities shine through their actions and dialogue, adding depth and humor to the scene.

Character Changes: 5

There are minor changes in the characters' dynamics and reactions, but no significant character arcs are developed in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Karen's internal goal is to maintain a sense of control and balance in her hectic life, as seen through her morning routine and interactions with her family. This reflects her desire to juggle her responsibilities as a working mom while still finding time for herself and her family.

External Goal: 7

Karen's external goal is to catch the garbage truck and dispose of the trash before it leaves, showcasing her determination and resourcefulness in handling unexpected challenges.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict mainly arises from the chaotic morning routines and the mishaps that occur, adding humor and tension to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Karen facing unexpected challenges and obstacles that test her determination and resourcefulness. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how Karen will overcome each new hurdle.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on comedic mishaps and character interactions than high-stakes drama.

Story Forward: 7

The scene sets up the characters, their relationships, and the tone of the story, moving the narrative forward with comedic elements.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in Karen's morning routine, from the chaotic trash disposal to the humorous mishaps along the way. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how Karen will handle each new challenge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The scene presents a conflict between the idealized image of 'living your best life' portrayed in the YouTube video and the messy, chaotic reality of Karen's everyday life. This challenges Karen's beliefs about success, happiness, and self-care.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene focuses more on humor and chaos than emotional depth, but there are moments of frustration and comedy that resonate with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals the relationships between the characters, enhancing the comedic elements of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its relatable characters, humorous dialogue, and dynamic pacing. The mix of humor, drama, and action keeps the audience invested in the characters' journey and challenges.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing humor, drama, and action in a dynamic and engaging way. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience invested in Karen's journey and the challenges she faces.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue formatting. The visual elements are well-crafted and contribute to the overall atmosphere of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, transitioning smoothly between different locations and characters while maintaining a cohesive narrative thread. The pacing and formatting enhance the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene opens with a montage of children around the world watching the same YouTube video, which sets a global and relatable tone. However, the transition to Karen's house in Cleveland, Ohio feels a bit abrupt and could be smoother.
  • The contrast between Karen's disorganized and outdated house and Simone's Pinterest-worthy room is effective in showing the difference in their lifestyles and personalities.
  • The introduction of Penny and Captain through the YouTube video is a clever way to establish their characters and the positive, aspirational tone of their content.
  • The physical comedy of Karen rushing to put out the trash cans and ending up spilling trash all over herself is entertaining and adds humor to the scene.
  • The dialogue between Penny and Captain discussing their morning routine is informative and sets up the contrast between their lifestyle and Karen's chaotic morning.
  • The use of visual cues like Karen's disheveled appearance and frantic actions effectively convey her character and situation.
  • Overall, the scene effectively introduces the main characters, establishes the setting, and sets up the central conflict of Karen trying to keep up with Penny's idealized lifestyle.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between the global montage and Karen's house to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Explore ways to further develop Karen and Simone's relationship and dynamics through their interactions in this scene.
  • Consider incorporating more visual storytelling elements to enhance the comedic moments and character development.
  • Ensure that the dialogue and actions of the characters align with their personalities and motivations to maintain consistency throughout the script.
  • Continue to use contrasts between characters and settings to highlight themes and conflicts in the story.
  • Consider adding more depth to Karen's character by exploring her internal thoughts and emotions in response to the events unfolding in the scene.



Scene 2 -  Morning Madness
EXT. KAREN’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

The trash collectors get an eyeful of Karen’s backside and
HOOT with delight as they continue to drive away.

A retired neighbor walking his dog stares at Karen as she
stands up and pulls her shirt down to cover her southern
exposure and clean up the mess. The man stops as the dog
relieves itself on Karen’s lawn.

KAREN
What are you looking at? Melvin?

Melvin continues to stare.

KAREN (CONT'D)
Well, get your money’s worth
anyway.

Karen yanks up her shirt and moons Melvin as she storms back
to the house.


INT. KAREN’S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

PENNY (V.O.)
We’ve had our cold plunge, followed
by our hot shower.

Karen freshens up in the sink. She applies extra deodorant
spray to be safe.

INT. KITCHEN

PENNY (V.O.)
We’ve had our breakfast. Eggs benny
with bananas foster.

Karen rifles through bare cabinets and a fridge full of
condiments, but little food. She settles on spreading peanut
butter on an uncooked, crunchy block of ramen noodles. She
looks at it suspiciously, then takes a big chomp and chokes
down the dry, hard noodles.
5.


CAPTAIN (V.O.)
Mmmmmm. Tasty!


INT. KAREN’S LAUNDRY ROOM - CONTINUOUS

PENNY (V.O.)
We did our laundry for the week on
Sunday, so we have a fresh ‘fit
ready to go.

Karen sniffs several tops and selects the least offensive
one.


INT. SIMONE’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

PENNY (V.O.)
Most of all, it’s important to make
time for self care. We meditate
every morning to release any
negative energy.

Behind Simone, Karen seems to be releasing lots of negative
energy, as he is gesturing and yelling something at her in
the doorway, but Simone can only hear Penny’s peaceful,
lilting voice.

PENNY (V.O)
Close your eyes. Focus on your
breathing. In. One... two...
three... four... Out.

KAREN
Simone!!!! We have to go!!!!

PENNY (V.O.)
So peaceful...

Simone tries to refocus. Karen bursts in, disturbing Simone’s
mental vacation.

KAREN
Simone!!!!!???? What the crap!!!!
What are you doing? We have to go.
I’m going to be late!!

Simone looks up, clinging to tranquility.

SIMONE
I have been ready for an hour. I’m
waiting for you. You should get a
morning routine going.
6.


Karen reads this as disrespect.

KAREN
Good for you. Amazing.

SIMONE
It is amazing. My routine is really
working for me. Helps me release
negative energy...

KAREN
That’s nice honey. Here’s my
routine. I teach all day. Come home
and manifest dinner every night,
because half the time I don’t know
where the money is coming from. Not
from your deadbeat quote-unquote
father. I drive you to orchestra
and drama club. Then I go to my
second job. Or PTO meetings. Or to
take care of grandma.

Karen looks to Simone, who has her headphones back on. She
isn’t listening. Karen takes them off.

SIMONE
Sorry... Were you saying something?

Karen is on a roll.

KAREN
By the time I get home, I am shot.
And I’m so overstimulated from the
day, I can’t get to sleep. My zen
bedtime ritual consists of alcohol.
Or pills. Or alcohol and pills. So
yeah, mornings are a challenge. For
example, this morning I forgot to
put the trash bins to the curb, and
ended up showing the neighborhood
my whole entire ass!

SIMONE
But you wore underwear to bed,
right?

Karen frowns.

KAREN
We both wish I could say that I
did. So yeah, I’ve got some
negative energy.
7.


Simone is already lost in her iPad and headphones, watching
another video. Noticing the tablet in her hands, Karen
snatches it.

SIMONE
The heck?!!!!

Karen fumbles with the tablet, disconnecting Simone’s
headphones, so she can hear the video.

KAREN
What’s so important that you don’t
need to listen to your mom?

An eerie DIDGERIDOO DRONE fills the silence. Karen tries to
shut the device off. She cannot.

KAREN (CONT'D)
How do I...? I think it’s broken,
it’s making this nightmarish
sound...

PENNY (V.O.)
Hey guys! It’s Captain and Penny,
coming to you from down under.

Captain, in an Australian bush hat pins both hands to his
cheeks and exclaims...

CAPTAIN
Crikey!

Karen looks at the screen and rolls her eyes, laughing.

KAREN
This is what you are wasting your
time watching? What is this?

Simone stands up, calmly taking the phone.

SIMONE
Captain and Penny. It’s my favorite
YouTube channel. The kid does all
this cool stuff with his mom.

Karen squints to look at the title of the video.

KAREN
“Making a... di... digger...”

PENNY (V.O.)
The didgeridoo is a wind instrument
developed by Indigenous Australians
hundreds of years ago.
8.


SIMONE
She’s the best mom.

Time stops. Karen bristles.

KAREN
Just because she can make a...
Didherjeeejooooo. Whatever. That
doesn’t make her a great mom.

It’s clear there’s more behind this for Simone.

SIMONE
She is all about her family. They
have their own language. They don’t
just love each other. They like
each other.

Karen is taken aback.

KAREN
We like each other. Don’t we? I
like you. And, I love you. We love
each other. Right?

Simone is unmoved.

SIMONE
We don’t even know each other. Not
really.

Karen looks at the tablet, as the son smiles broadly at his
mother. She opens her mouth, but no words follow...

With that, Simone grabs her things and walks out. Karen is
left alone, looking at the iPad in her hand.

PENNY (V.O.)
Don’t forget, parents. Every time
you show up for your child, you
show up for the child inside you.

This hits Karen somewhere specific and familiar, but she
remembers the time and bolts for the door.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Karen experiences a series of embarrassing and frustrating events, including being mooned by her neighbor, arguing with her daughter, and struggling to prepare for her day. She confronts Simone about her lack of help and attention, highlighting the challenges and tensions in their relationship. The scene ends with Karen left alone, reflecting on her chaotic life.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Realistic character interactions
  • Exploration of family dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched elements
  • Slightly predictable character arcs

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor with deeper reflections on family relationships and the struggles of daily life, making it engaging and entertaining.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of contrasting an idealized morning routine with the chaotic reality of the characters' lives is well-executed and provides insight into their personalities and relationships.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the clash between Simone's admiration for the YouTube family and Karen's struggles as a working mom, leading to a moment of realization for both characters.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the challenges of single parenthood and the complexities of parent-child relationships. The characters feel authentic and the dialogue is sharp and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Karen portrayed as a harried but loving mother and Simone as a thoughtful and independent teenager. Their dynamic adds depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Both Karen and Simone experience some growth and realization during the scene, leading to a shift in their perspectives.

Internal Goal: 8

Karen's internal goal in this scene is to feel understood and appreciated by her daughter, Simone. She wants to connect with her on a deeper level and mend their strained relationship.

External Goal: 7

Karen's external goal is to get Simone ready and out the door on time, despite their morning chaos and disagreements.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict between Karen and Simone is primarily internal, reflecting their differing perspectives on family and self-care.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and emotions between Karen and Simone creating tension and conflict.

High Stakes: 5

While the stakes are not extremely high in this scene, the emotional and relational dynamics between the characters add depth to the narrative.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the relationship between Karen and Simone and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the dialogue and the shifting dynamics between Karen and Simone.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of what makes a good parent and the importance of family connection. Simone values quality time and shared interests, while Karen struggles with balancing her responsibilities and showing her love in different ways.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from humor to introspection, making it engaging for the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty and realistic, capturing the humor and tension in the interactions between Karen and Simone.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, relatable characters, and the emotional depth of the interactions between Karen and Simone.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth, with a good balance of dialogue and action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct beats and character interactions. It effectively sets up the conflict and resolution within the scene.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a humorous and relatable situation of Karen accidentally exposing herself to the trash collectors and her neighbor, which sets a light-hearted tone.
  • The dialogue between Karen and Simone effectively conveys the strained relationship between them, with Karen feeling unappreciated and Simone feeling disconnected.
  • The introduction of Penny and Captain's YouTube channel adds depth to Simone's character and highlights her desire for a closer relationship with her mother.
  • The scene effectively portrays Karen's frustration and vulnerability, especially when she realizes that she and Simone don't truly know each other.
  • The use of Penny and Captain's YouTube video as a backdrop adds a layer of irony and contrast to the scene, emphasizing the disconnect between Karen and Simone.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual cues to enhance the comedic elements of the scene, such as Karen's exaggerated reactions to the chaotic morning routine.
  • Explore deeper into the reasons behind Karen and Simone's strained relationship to add emotional depth and character development.
  • Provide more context or backstory on Penny and Captain's YouTube channel to further connect it to Karen and Simone's story.
  • Consider incorporating moments of vulnerability and reflection for both Karen and Simone to show their growth and potential for reconciliation.
  • Ensure a smooth transition between the humorous moments and the more emotional beats to maintain a cohesive tone throughout the scene.



Scene 3 -  Embarrassing Moments at Gerald Ford Middle School
EXT. RESIDENTAIL NEIGHBORHOOD - CONTINUOUS

Karen and Simone pull up in Karen’s RUSTED OUT TOYOTA.

KAREN
Babe, you keep making me drop you
off further and further away. What,
are you ashamed of me?
9.


SIMONE
Of course not. It’s just, why did
you have to take a job teaching at
my school?

KAREN
Beggars can’t be choosers, dear.

SIMONE
Just please don’t
embarrass me today.

KAREN
Name one time I embarrassed you.

SIMONE
All the times. It’s your default. I
mean you showed your whole entire
ass to the neighborhood before
breakfast...

KAREN
(touched)
You heard me say that? I didn’t
think you were listening.


EXT. GERALD FORD MIDDLE SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS


INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Karen navigates the halls until she reaches a classroom door.
She open it briefly and peeks in. There is WILD SHOUTING,
lots of commotion. Unceremoniously, a WAD OF PAPER flies
through the crack and HITS HER SQUARE IN THE FACE. She closes
the door and leans against it.

KAREN
You can do this, Karen.

Just then, a gaggle of intense-looking cute blond teachers
walks by. They take one look at Karen and laugh among
themselves, in true bitch fashion. It is then that Karen
realizes, far too late, that the top that she is wearing is
tight, and short. She struggles to keep it from riding up on
her.


INT. CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS

The inmates are running the asylum. They are broken out into
a number of little groups. The alpha girls. The wise-cracking
slacker boys. The followers.
10.


Karen begins to write her name on the board. Her hair is
tall, an obsolete hairstyle from decades past, and she
repeatedly tugs at her ill-fitting top so her pale belly
doesn’t intrude..

KAREN
Hello ladies and gentlemen. As you
know, your English teacher Ms.
Guberty is out for the rest of the
year, so I’ll be taking over for
her.


A girl raises her hand.

LAYLA
I have a question.

KAREN
Hit me.

LAYLA
Your shirt is too small. Or you are
too big.

KAREN
That’s not a question. But thanks
for noticing.

LAYLA
Did you grow since you got dressed
this morning?

Karen adjusts her top, self-conscious, as she writes her name
on the board.

KAREN
Not to my knowledge. Anyway,
My name is Ms. Schitzlinger. But
you can call me Ms. S.

The kids look at each other, smirking.

BRYSTON a tall, lanky boy in a hoodie with a curly mop and
braces, makes a serious face as he looks up from his phone,
which he balances on his desk.

BRYSTON
Hi. I’m Bryston. Your name is...
Shit. Slinger?

Giggles. The mob is alive, energized by the comedic
possibilities.
11.


KAREN
It is pronounced Schitzlinger.

BRYSTON
I pronounce things phonemically.
Shit. Slinger.

KAREN
It’s actually Schitzlinger,
Bryston. Like ‘ginger’. German
derivation. I’m actually descended
from a Count. So... you know. I’m
kind of like royalty.

Nervous, Karen bumps her desk and knocks her yogurt on the
floor. The container breaks open splashing yogurt onto her
leg.

KAREN (CONT'D)
Aw, shitballs. My slacks!

When Karen reaches for a handful of tissues, she knocks over
a stack of folders on her desk. One by one they slide off the
desk and papers scatter all over the floor.

AYLA, a sleepy eyed girl in an oversized hoodie, comes alive.

AYLA
Derp!!!!!

The class erupts in laughter. Karen is flustered.

KAREN
What is that? Derp. What does that
mean?

Kayla, who is painting her nails, joins in.

KAYLA
It’s the sound of your brain
sharting.
More laughter. Karen tries to connect with them.

KAREN
Well...maybe my brain had a spicy
lunch.

Crickets... Karen’s joke goes over like a lead balloon.
Bryston approaches her, putting a hand on her shoulder. He
holds out HIS PHONE, which displays a GIF OF KAREN WITH A
COSMICALLY EMBARRASSING EXPRESSION as she tries to catch her
hurtling yogurt, with the title: DERP QUEEN!
12.


KAREN (CONT'D)
How did you make that gif so fast?
Is it gif or jiff? I never...

The class begins to laugh, but Bryston silences them.

BRYSTON
Guys, quiet down! We’re in the
presence of royalty.

Karen exhales. Finally, some respect.

BRYSTON (CONT'D)
Queen of the derps!

The class loses it, as Bryston curtsies mockingly.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Karen drops off Simone at school and then heads to her classroom at Gerald Ford Middle School where she faces ridicule from other teachers and struggles to control her unruly class. The students tease her, with Layla commenting on her outfit and Bryston creating a gif of her embarrassing moment. Despite Karen's attempts at humor, the class continues to mock her, with Bryston calling her the 'Queen of the derps' as the class laughs at her expense.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Engaging character interactions
  • Authentic school setting
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched moments
  • Slightly predictable humor

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends comedy with moments of embarrassment and awkwardness, creating an engaging and entertaining dynamic.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a teacher facing challenges in a classroom setting while trying to establish authority and connect with students is well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the teacher's attempts to navigate a challenging classroom environment, leading to comedic and awkward situations.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the 'new teacher at school' trope by infusing humor, vulnerability, and relatable character dynamics into the familiar setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, with distinct personalities that contribute to the humor and conflict in the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The teacher undergoes a minor change in perspective as she tries to connect with her students and navigate the challenges of the classroom.

Internal Goal: 8

Karen's internal goal is to prove herself as a capable teacher and gain respect from her students despite her initial embarrassment and self-consciousness.

External Goal: 7

Karen's external goal is to successfully navigate her first day as a substitute teacher and establish authority in the classroom.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between the teacher and the students, as well as the internal conflict of the teacher trying to establish authority, adds depth to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Karen facing initial mockery and challenges from her students, creating conflict and tension that drives the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 5

While the stakes are not extremely high, the scene sets up the potential for future conflicts and character development.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the teacher's relationship with her students and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in its character interactions and comedic moments, keeping the audience on their toes with unexpected twists and turns.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The scene presents a conflict between Karen's desire for respect and acceptance from her students and their initial mocking and lack of respect towards her. This challenges Karen's beliefs about her own capabilities and worth as a teacher.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a mix of emotions, including humor, embarrassment, and empathy for the teacher's struggles.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and engaging, capturing the essence of the characters and driving the comedic elements of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of humor, vulnerability, and relatable character dynamics that keep the audience invested in Karen's journey as a new teacher.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and humor, balancing character interactions and comedic moments to maintain audience engagement.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character introductions, conflicts, and resolutions, maintaining a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene sets up a chaotic and embarrassing situation for Karen, which is relatable and humorous. However, the humor sometimes leans towards being mean-spirited, especially with the students mocking Karen's appearance and clumsiness.
  • The dialogue between Karen and the students, especially Bryston, feels forced and lacks authenticity. It comes across as trying too hard to be funny rather than naturally flowing from the characters.
  • The scene could benefit from more depth and emotional resonance, especially in Karen's interactions with the students. It would be more impactful to explore the underlying reasons for Karen's behavior and how it affects her relationship with her students.
  • The visual descriptions could be enhanced to create a more vivid and engaging picture of the classroom setting and the characters' actions. This would help to immerse the reader in the scene and enhance the overall storytelling.
  • There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into Karen's vulnerability and struggles as a teacher, which could add layers to her character and make her more relatable to the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider toning down the mean-spirited humor and focusing on more genuine interactions between Karen and the students. This will make the scene more relatable and engaging.
  • Work on developing the dialogue to feel more authentic and reflective of the characters' personalities. This will help to create a more believable and compelling dynamic in the scene.
  • Add more emotional depth to Karen's character by exploring her insecurities and challenges as a teacher. This will make her more three-dimensional and increase the audience's investment in her story.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to paint a clearer picture of the classroom environment and the characters' actions. This will help to create a more immersive reading experience and bring the scene to life.
  • Consider incorporating moments of vulnerability and growth for Karen to add depth to her character arc and make her journey more compelling for the audience.



Scene 4 -  The Meme Incident
INT. SIMONE’S CLASS - CONTINUOUS

The teacher writes at the board, and Simone is taking notes.
Her PHONE VIBRATES. Very slowly, she extracts her phone from
her purse and reads a text. On her screen, larger than life,
is a picture of Karen, eyes fluttering, mouth twisted,
nostrils flaring, as she awkwardly reaches for her exploding
yogurt. Derp Queen indeed.

Shocked, Simone shoves the phone back into her purse and
braces herself.

SIMONE
Not good.

Scanning the room, she sees one, then another and another
student receiving the damning text. One by one, her peers
turn to look at her without a shred of empathy. Except for
her friend PIPER, a sweet girl with bangs and oversized
glasses. Piper smiles and nods her support.


EXT. GERALD FORD MIDDLE SCHOOL - AFTERNOON
Exhausted, Karen hauls her bag out to the teacher’s parking
lot. There, she meets TOM, a tall, easygoing Social Studies
teacher.

MR.NUDS
Can I give you a hand?

Karen starts to unshoulder her bag, but instead of taking it,
Tom instead starts to clap.
13.


TOM
A new record. First day, and
already the kids have made you into
a meme. I’m Tom. Mr. Nuds. I teach
social studies.

KAREN
Karen. Schitzlinger. English. And
thanks. I suppose it’s an honor.

TOM
I lasted a few weeks. And when it
came, it was swift. And it was
brutal. I considered it a real
tribute.

Karen shakes her head.

KAREN
They must be clever. You seem like
the cool teacher. Not sure how they
could burn someone like you.

TOM
My name is Tom Nuds.

KAREN
Nuds? Ouch.

TOM
My dad’s name was Harry. Harry
Nuds. My grandfather named him
that. Without a hint of irony.

KAREN
I just don’t understand kids these
days. Sometimes I think the
internet is destroying them. We
were never like this.

Tom laughs to himself.

TOM
They’re more like us than you
think.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary A picture of Karen making an awkward face is turned into a meme and sent to her class, including Simone. The students judge Simone, while a teacher named Tom comforts Karen, who is discouraged by her students' behavior.
Strengths
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Humorous moments
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Relatively low stakes
  • Some cliched dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances humor and emotion, providing insight into the characters' lives and relationships.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of social media mockery and the challenges of balancing work and family life is engaging and relatable.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses by introducing the dynamic between Karen and her students, setting up potential conflicts and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh and relatable situations, such as the use of technology in a school setting and the challenges faced by new teachers. The dialogue feels authentic and engaging, contributing to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic, especially the bond between Simone and Piper.

Character Changes: 7

Karen begins to question her understanding of her daughter, setting up potential growth and development for both characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Simone's internal goal is to maintain her composure and deal with the embarrassment caused by the text message. This reflects her desire for acceptance and respect from her peers.

External Goal: 7

Karen's external goal is to navigate the challenges of being a new teacher at the school and handle the situation with humor and grace. This reflects her immediate circumstances and the need to establish herself in her new role.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a moderate level of conflict introduced through Karen's struggles with her students and the social media mockery.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Simone faces the challenge of dealing with the embarrassing text message and Karen navigates the initial hurdles of being a new teacher. The audience is left wondering how the characters will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character relationships and development.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new dynamics and conflicts that will likely impact the characters' arcs.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in terms of how the characters will react to the text message incident and how Karen will handle the situation as a new teacher. The audience is kept on their toes with the unfolding events.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The scene presents a conflict between traditional values and modern technology, highlighting the impact of social media on personal relationships and reputation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene elicits empathy for Karen's challenges and highlights the supportive relationship between Simone and Piper.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and relationships, with moments of humor and sincerity.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its relatable characters, witty dialogue, and the unfolding drama of the text message incident. The interactions between characters keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue and action that keeps the story moving forward. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in conveying the characters' emotions and motivations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and descriptions. It aligns with the expected format for a screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events. It adheres to the expected format for a school-based drama genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively sets up the conflict and embarrassment Simone faces when a meme of her mother, Karen, is circulated among her peers.
  • The use of technology, specifically the text message with the embarrassing picture, adds a modern and relatable element to the scene.
  • Simone's reaction to the text message and the lack of empathy from her peers is well portrayed, showcasing the social dynamics in a school setting.
  • The introduction of Piper as a supportive friend adds a layer of empathy and friendship to the scene.
  • The interaction between Karen and Tom in the parking lot provides a contrast to the classroom scene and hints at a potential friendship or camaraderie between the two characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for Simone to further explore her feelings of embarrassment and frustration.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Karen and Tom to provide more insight into their characters and potentially set up a future dynamic between them.
  • Explore the repercussions of the meme further by showing how it affects Simone's relationships with her peers beyond Piper.
  • Consider adding a moment of vulnerability or reflection for Karen in her interaction with Tom to deepen her character development.
  • Ensure that the transition between the classroom scene and the parking lot scene flows smoothly to maintain the pacing and continuity of the narrative.



Scene 5 -  Karen Seeks Advice from Shirley
INT. KAREN’S CAR - CONTINUOUS

Karen calls Simone. No answer. She tries again. Finally, she
texts her daughter. ARE YOU CATCHING A RIDE WITH ME? Beat.
IT’S BEEN A LONG DAY. MAYBE WE CAN GET SOME TAKEOUT. SEE A
MOVIE?
14.


Beat, then a response. GOING 2 PIPERS. SEE U LATER. Beat.
DERP QUEEN.


EXT. SHADY GROVE NURSING HOME - NIGHT

A group of elderly card sharps are positioned around a round
table. One of them deals. SHIRLEY, Karen’s mom and a fiesty
old bird, sees her daughter coming.

SHIRLEY
You old bastards are in trouble. My
daughter’s here in case any of you
try to swindle me this time. If
you cheat, Karen’s going to choke
you out and leave you out in the
courtyard.

Karen looks at the collection of very frail players, then at
her mother, who is indeed concealing cards in her wheelchair.

KAREN
Does that include you, Mom?

Shirley frowns and folds.

SHIRLEY
Thanks a lot, narc.

Karen wheels her mom over to the window.

KAREN
Mom, can I ask you something? I
need your advice.

Shirley sees that Karen is serious, and softens a bit.

KAREN (CONT'D)
It’s just, Simone. I don’t know.
She’s different. Since everything
with Reese.
SHIRLEY
Divorce is confusing for kids.
She’s looking for answers.

KAREN
She won’t talk to me, mom. And when
she does, it’s with such contempt.
It’s like she hates me.

CUT TO:
15.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Karen worries about Simone's behavior following her divorce and seeks advice from her mother at a nursing home. Shirley suggests that Simone is searching for answers and advises Karen to give her space.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Effective dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched elements
  • Slightly predictable plot points

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines drama and comedy, delving into complex family dynamics with emotional depth and humor.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the aftermath of divorce on family relationships is compelling and relatable.

Plot: 7

The plot advances the story by revealing the growing distance between Karen and Simone, setting up potential conflicts and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on family dynamics and intergenerational relationships, with a mix of humor and emotional depth. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Karen struggling with self-doubt and Simone dealing with the aftermath of her parents' divorce.

Character Changes: 7

Both Karen and Simone experience subtle changes in their relationship dynamics, hinting at potential growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Karen's internal goal is to seek advice from her mother about her daughter's behavior and emotions. This reflects her deeper need for guidance and understanding in dealing with her daughter's struggles.

External Goal: 7

Karen's external goal is to connect with her daughter and mend their strained relationship. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in trying to communicate with her daughter after a divorce.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily stemming from the strained relationship between Karen and Simone.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, with Karen facing challenges in her relationships with her mother and daughter.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate, focusing on the emotional well-being and communication within the family.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the conflict and relationships between the characters, setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected humor and emotional revelations that arise in the interactions between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the theme of family relationships and communication. It challenges Karen's beliefs about parenting and the impact of divorce on children.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from frustration and confusion to vulnerability and concern, making it emotionally impactful.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and vulnerability between Karen and her mother, as well as the humor in their interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic between the characters, the humor, and the emotional depth of the conversations. The audience is drawn into the family drama and invested in the characters' relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth, with a balance of dialogue and action that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre. The dialogue and action lines are well-balanced.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or conflict, making it feel a bit flat and lacking in tension.
  • The dialogue between Karen and Shirley feels a bit on the nose and could benefit from more subtlety and nuance.
  • The transition from Karen trying to contact Simone to the nursing home scene feels a bit abrupt and disjointed.
  • The humor in the scene, particularly with Shirley's threat to the card players, feels forced and could be more naturally integrated.
  • The emotional depth of Karen's struggle with Simone and her feelings of inadequacy as a mother could be explored more effectively.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more layers of conflict and tension to the scene to make it more engaging.
  • Work on developing the dialogue between Karen and Shirley to make it more authentic and emotionally resonant.
  • Smooth out the transition between Karen trying to contact Simone and the nursing home scene to improve the flow of the narrative.
  • Focus on integrating humor more organically into the scene to enhance the comedic elements.
  • Explore Karen's emotional journey and inner turmoil more deeply to add complexity and depth to her character.



Scene 6 -  Awkward Encounters and Motherly Desires
EXT. PIPER’S HOUSE - AFTERNOON


INT. PIPER’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Piper’s room is distinguished by a sewing machine and lots of
fabric and materials. She works on a project while Simone
lies on her bed, staring at her phone. She is watching
CAPTAIN & PENNY.

SIMONE
It’s like she hates me. Now, I have
to skip school tomorrow. A bunch of
tomorrows. Till this blows over.

PIPER
She’s just too tense. Divorce is
hard on adults.

Simone makes a face.

SIMONE
She is so awkward. Like, are adults
supposed to act this way?

PIPER
I love your mom. She tries so hard
to get people to like her. Too
hard.

Simone focuses on Penny’s face.

SIMONE
She’s a psycho. Why can’t Penny be
my mom?

PIPER
But then Captain would be your
brother!

Both girls scream at the prospect.

SIMONE
Sometimes, it’s like she is
speaking Chinese. With a German
accent.


INT. SHADY GROVE NURSING HOME - CONTINUOUS

KAREN
We used to watch movies together.
Now, she spends most of her waking
hours watching YouTube videos.
(MORE)
16.

KAREN (CONT'D)
I want to see a big budget
spectacle, and she just watches
normal people, doing normal stuff.
I don’t get it.

SHIRLEY
Maybe you just need to learn to
speak her language.

CUT TO:


INT. PIPER’S BEDROM - CONTINUOUS

PIPER
Cut her some slack. At least your
mom tries. Most parents are too
caught up in their own drama to
notice you.

Piper holds up an elaborately constructed COSPLAY COSTUME.

SIMONE
Nice!

Simone notices a text from her mom. I MADE TAMALES. THE
RESULTS WERE... MIXED. WOULD YOU WANT TO TRY ONE?


PIPER
Every time my mom comes in my room,
it’s like we’re meeting for the
first time.

As if on cue, PIPER’S MOM, who looks like an aged former
cheerleader, enters and fist bumps her daughter awkwardly.

PIPER’S MOM
Hey girl.

PIPER
Hey.

Piper’s Mom extends a hand to Simone.

PIPER’S MOM
Hey girl. I’m Lacy.

SIMONE
It’s me. Simone? We’ve met. Maybe
dozens of times. Give or take.

PIPER’S MOM
Cool beans!
17.


Piper’s Mom looks around the room and sees all the fabric,
the sewing machine, and related items.

PIPER’S MOM (CONT'D)
What’s all this stuff?

PIPER
My cosplay supplies. My room is
literally the same as it was six
months ago.

Piper’s Mom sees the COSPLAY COSTUME and her face lights up.

PIPER’S MOM
Are you going to a school dance or
something?
Piper rolls her eyes.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Simone complains about her mother's behavior and expresses her desire to have Penny as her mother instead, while Karen shares her frustration about her mother's preference for watching YouTube videos over movies. Piper's mom enters the room and awkwardly greets Simone, seemingly forgetting that they have met before.
Strengths
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Exploration of family dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Some dialogue may feel repetitive

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor with deeper emotional moments, providing insight into the characters' inner struggles and relationships.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring family dynamics, miscommunication, and generational differences is well-executed and engaging.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the interactions between characters and the revelation of their inner thoughts and feelings.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh take on teenage friendships and family relationships, with unique character dynamics and relatable dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, each with their own unique personalities and struggles. Their interactions feel authentic and relatable.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes in their perceptions of each other, leading to potential growth and understanding.

Internal Goal: 8

Piper's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of normalcy and connection with her friend Simone despite the challenges they face with their respective parents. She also seeks validation for her creative pursuits like cosplay.

External Goal: 7

Piper's external goal is to navigate the awkward interactions with Simone's mom and maintain a sense of camaraderie with her friend.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict mainly stems from the miscommunication and misunderstandings between the characters, adding tension to the scene.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle, with conflicts arising from the generational gap between parents and teenagers. The audience is left wondering how the characters will navigate these differences.

High Stakes: 5

While the stakes are not extremely high in this scene, the emotional stakes for the characters are significant in terms of their relationships and personal growth.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the relationships between characters and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions between characters and the humorous twists in dialogue. The audience is kept on their toes by the witty banter.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the different ways people communicate and connect with each other. Piper's mom and Simone's mom have contrasting approaches to parenting and understanding their children.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from humor to reflection, making it emotionally engaging.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, reflective, and reveals the characters' emotions and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its witty dialogue, relatable characters, and humorous interactions. The dynamics between Piper, Simone, and their parents keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, humor, and character development. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the scene engaging and dynamic.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression. It effectively sets up the dynamics between characters and advances the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition between the two locations, Piper's house and the nursing home, making it feel disjointed.
  • The dialogue between Simone and Piper feels a bit forced and unnatural, lacking depth and emotional resonance.
  • The interaction between Karen and Shirley at the nursing home feels more authentic and engaging compared to the conversation between Simone and Piper.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the setting and create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • The theme of generational differences and communication breakdowns is touched upon but could be explored more deeply to add layers to the characters and their relationships.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between the two locations to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Work on developing the dialogue between Simone and Piper to make it more realistic and emotionally resonant.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more vivid and engaging setting for the scene.
  • Explore the theme of generational differences and communication breakdowns further to add depth to the characters and their interactions.
  • Consider adding more subtext and nuance to the interactions between the characters to create a richer and more compelling scene.



Scene 7 -  The YouTube Dilemma
INT. SIMONE’S ROOM - LATE NIGHT

Simone is passed out, face down on her bed. Karen enters and
collects a half eaten plate of unsuccessful tamales. As she
exits, she notices that Simone’s TABLET is on, and a VIDEO IS
PLAYING.

Karen checks that her daughter is indeed sleeping, and takes
the tablet.


INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Sitting alone in the dark, the glow of the screen warming her
face, Karen looks at Simone’s viewing history and selects a
video: CAPTAIN AND PENNY PANCAKE ART.

PENNY (V.O.)
Hey guys!

Karen turns on another video. And another.
-Captain and Penny AT UNIVERSAL STUDIOS. 551,738 views.

PENNY (V.O.)
Hey guys!

-Captain and Penny tour Graceland. 2,058,003 views.

PENNY
(Elvis Presley voice)
Thank you. Thank you very much!

-Captain and Penny MAKE TAMALES. 1,298,444 views
18.


PENNY (CONT'D)
Hola chicos!

Karen is amazed.

KAREN
Those tamales look incredible.

-Captain and Penny TOUR OUR NEW HOUSE. 10,579,654 views.

PENNY
Welcome! Won’t you come in???

Karen is breathless as Captain and Penny walk through the
palatial, insane mansion. A nerve is touched.
BACK TO SCENE

KAREN
Anybody could do this. I could do
this.


INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING

Karen is cashed out on the couch, face down, butt up. The
tablet lies lifeless next to her. Simone walks in and notices
the tablet.

SIMONE
Mom! Wake up!

Karen doesn’t stir.

SIMONE (CONT'D)
What are you doing with my iPad?
You could have at least charged it.
That’s just rude!

Nothing is registering.
SIMONE (CONT'D)
BTW, it’s after 7.

Karen momentarily rolls over, then suddenly jerks upright.

KAREN
Crispy craps! I’m going to be late!

Karen races around the house, brushing and spraying her hair
to its usual height and grandeur. She digs through a laundry
bin, and unfurls AN EPICALLY WRINKLED BLOUSE.
19.


KAREN (CONT'D)
I can’t wear that to school. Those
little monsters will tear me to
shreds.

Her shoulders drop as she looks at the iron in the trash can,
but then, a lightbulb moment.

KAREN (CONT'D)
I’m a genius!


INT. KAREN’S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

Karen turns on the SHOWER, and the bathroom fills with steam.
She triumphantly places the WRINKLED BLOUSE on a hanger, and
hangs it from the shower curtain rod.

KAREN
The steam will take out the
wrinkles. You know, I should have
been a science teacher...


INT. KAREN’S CLASSROOM - MORNING

Karen stands in front of her students. They are frozen in
silence and shock. Bryston tries to speak and cannot.

Her BLOUSE is no longer wrinkled. Instead, it has been
stretched out to TWICE ITS NORMAL SIZE , WITH TWO ROUND, WET
SPOTS ON HER CHEST. As if that weren’t bad enough, her
magnificent, tall hair has fallen LIMP AND DAMP. Finally, her
MASCARA has run as well. All in all, it is a rough sight.

KAREN (RESIGNED)
I’m sure you all have questions...

AYLA
Were you in a water balloon fight?
KAREN
I was not.

Bryston looks outside. Sunny and warm.

BRYSTON
Is there a little raincloud that
follows you wherever you go?

TASON
Like Charlie Brown!
20.


KAREN
Sometimes it feels that way, yes.

LAYLA
Is that a blouse or a shirt?

KAREN
It is... it was a blouse.

BRYSTON
Did you shrink? You look smaller
than yesterday.

KAREN
Did I shrink?

KAYLA
I think her shirt is just huge.

LAYLA
You mean her blouse.

AYLA
You definitely shrunk.

TASON
Was it because you got so wet? From
the little raincloud?

Ayla waves her hand in a circle toward Karen’s shirt.

AYLA
Let’s talk about this whole
situation here.

BRYSTON
Are you lactating?

KAREN
There it is...

AYLA
Aren’t you too old to breastfeed?

KAYLA
Idiot. Sixty is way too old to have
a baby.

KAREN
Sixty??

LAYLA
Have you been crying?
21.


TASON
Because you’re too old to have a
baby?

KAREN
I’m not sixty! I didn’t get rained
on. My iron crapped out on me, so I
just did a little science
experiment! OK??!!

The class is instantly silent. A long beat.

BRYSTON
Was it a shrink ray? Because you
look tiny.

Karen stares daggers.

KAREN (SARCASTIC)
Oh yeah. I invented a shrink ray.
Something that would change the
world as we know it. And it
actually worked! Now I’m sitting on
a gold mine. Corporations will buy
it to save millions on warehouses.
Governments could send spies the
size of a housefly into any place
they wanted. I’m going to be rich!
Only one thing doesn’t make
sense...

BRYSTON
Only one?

Karen gets right up in the kid’s smug face.

KAREN
Why did I bother coming in to work
today?

Bryston thinks hard.

BRYSTON
You love teaching and you believe
in us?

KAREN
Yeah (beat)... that’s it.

LATER

Karen grades papers at her desk and the bell rings. The class
files out. Bryston brings up the rear.
22.


KAREN (CONT'D)
Bryston? A word?

BRYSTON
Am I in trouble?

Karen comes out from behind her desk. She holds out her
laptop. On it, a YouTube video is playing. It’s a video of
Karen from the day before, dropping her papers before
freezing into her horrifically embarrassing facial
expression. The video is entitled MY SUBSTITUTE TEACHER IS A
DERP QUEEN!

Bryston is busted, but not super concerned about it.

BRYSTON (CONT'D)
How did that get there?

KAREN
So, that’s you? ‘HeadSh0t
Miniboss’?

BRYSTON
That’s my YouTube channel. It’s
pretty popular.

Karen squints as she turns on another video.

KAREN
So, you post videos of yourself.
Mostly just playing video games.

BRYSTON
With hilarious commentary.
Critiques of the games. Savage
takedowns of other players. I’m
also branching out into other
things. Challenges. Pranks.
Reaction videos.

KAREN
Who would watch that?

Bryston points to the screen. 107,298 views. Karen furrows
her brow.

KAREN (CONT'D)
A hundred thousand views! You are
literally just sitting there, being
a lazy turd. I’ve seen your grades.

BRYSTON
Hey!
23.


KAREN
YouTube is a colossal waste of
time. Have you seen this Captain
and Penny thing? So stupid...

BRYSTON
Waste of time? Let me ask you a
question, Mrs. S... How were your
grades in school?

KAREN (PROUDLY)
I was the valedictorian at my high
school. Straight A’s in college.
Post-graduate degree. I have got
credentials. Very impressive
credentials.

BRYSTON
Cool, cool. So how much are you
taking home? After taxes?

Karen looks flustered.

KAREN
I do ok.

BRYSTON
I make $7,000 a month. Net. I’m 13.
And I’m a lazy turd.

Karen’s eyes bulge.

KAREN
Bullshit! Nice try.

Bryston types into his phone and flips it around to show
Karen an electronic check stub. Karen squints. It looks
legit. Karen is in shock.

KAREN (CONT'D)
How is this possible? I have played
by the rules my whole life...

BRYSTON
Maybe that’s your problem. The
rules were made up by people no
smarter than you. Why follow them?
The people living large. They make
their own rules.

Karen stands in stunned silence.

BRYSTON (CONT'D)
See ya, Derp Queen.
24.


Bryston walks away, triumphant.

Karen stands in stunned silence. Tom walks by and pokes his
head in, and notices Karen’s appearance.

MR.NUDS
Have you lost weight? You look...
smaller?

Karen barely takes notice.

KAREN
I have a Master’s degree. I still
have $79,000 in student loan debt.
And a kid in my class brings in
more than I do. Not just any kid.
My worst student.

TOM
Hey, listen...

KAREN
Meanwhile I’m invisible to my
daughter. She wishes that some
phony influencer was her mom.

MR.NUDS
You okay?

KAREN
No. I am not.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Karen's YouTube aspirations lead to a wardrobe malfunction and a revelation from a student. Struggling for relevance, she questions her traditional path and confronts the lure of social media success.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Character development
  • Exploration of modern themes
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel forced or unrealistic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, emotion, and character development to create an engaging and relatable story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the impact of social media and online fame on traditional values and success is well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging, with a mix of humor and emotional depth, as the characters navigate personal and professional challenges.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on success, social media influence, and personal fulfillment. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, contributing to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and relatable, each facing their own struggles and growth throughout the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters experience growth and self-realization, particularly Karen, as they confront their personal and professional challenges.

Internal Goal: 8

Karen's internal goal is to feel successful and valued, especially in comparison to her daughter's interests in social media influencers. She seeks validation and recognition for her hard work and accomplishments.

External Goal: 7

Karen's external goal is to maintain her role as a teacher and authority figure, despite feeling inadequate and unappreciated.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict, primarily driven by the characters' internal struggles and external challenges.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with conflicts arising from societal expectations, personal insecurities, and generational differences. The characters' interactions create tension and humor.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not extremely high, the personal and professional challenges faced by the characters add depth and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by developing the characters, setting up future conflicts, and exploring key themes.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in its character interactions and outcomes, but the humor and social commentary add an element of surprise and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of success and fulfillment. Karen's traditional views of success clash with Bryston's unconventional approach to achieving financial stability and recognition.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from humor to empathy, making it impactful and engaging.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is witty and realistic, capturing the humor and emotion of the characters' interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its relatable characters, humorous dialogue, and underlying themes of self-discovery and personal growth. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and motivations.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and humor, with well-timed reveals and character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue adds to the scene's overall impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is properly formatted and contributes to the overall flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure, transitioning smoothly between different locations and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and direction, jumping between Karen watching YouTube videos, getting ready for work, dealing with her students, and interacting with Bryston.
  • The transition between different settings and actions is abrupt and disjointed, making it difficult for the audience to follow the flow of the scene.
  • The humor in the scene feels forced and relies heavily on embarrassing situations and awkward interactions, which may come across as unrealistic or exaggerated.
  • The dialogue between Karen and Bryston feels contrived and lacks depth, missing an opportunity to explore their characters and motivations further.
  • The scene fails to effectively convey Karen's internal struggles and conflicts, making her character development feel shallow and one-dimensional.
Suggestions
  • Focus on a central theme or conflict in the scene to provide a clear direction for the narrative.
  • Streamline the sequence of events to create a more cohesive and engaging storyline.
  • Develop more organic and nuanced humor that arises from the characters' personalities and interactions.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Karen and Bryston to delve deeper into their relationship and motivations.
  • Explore Karen's internal struggles and conflicts more effectively to add depth and complexity to her character.



Scene 8 -  Rediscovering the Past
INT. KAREN'S ATTIC - EVENING

Karen frantically tears through boxes of storage. Searching
for clues. GIRL SCOUT PATCHES. CHESS CLUB MEDALS. She takes a
long swig from a WINE BOTTLE. FORENSICS AWARDS. SCIENCE FAIR
RIBBON. Her HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK. She pauses on a photo. Same
bad hair, but 17 year old Karen is owning it with the
optimism of youth. The caption reads: Most Likely to Succeed.

KAREN
Bullshit.

She hurls the book across the attic with a CRASH as a box
topples over.

Cleaning up her mess, she holds up an old VHS videotape,
entitled VALEDICTORIAN SPEECH. Popping it into a dusty analog
tv, she watches the tape.

Young Karen stands tall and is bringing it.
25.


YOUNG KAREN (ONSCREEN)
Today, the class of 1996 takes on
the world. This is our time. And we
will do great things. We will
embark on the journey of our lives.
For the bold among us, we will set
a course for uncharted territories.
We will step outside of the comfort
of home and set forth beyond the
boundaries of previous generations.
Because the rules were made up by
people no smarter than we are.

Karen’s mouth drops open. She rewinds the tape.

YOUNG KAREN (CONT'D)
Because the rules were made up by
people no smarter than we are.

She rewinds it again.

YOUNG KAREN (CONT'D)
... made up by people no smarter
than we are.

Karen mulls this idea, the tape still running. Beat, then...

BULLY (O.S.)
Sit down, ugly loser!

Several people laugh obnoxiously at the comment.

KAREN
Oh my god. I forgot...

Young Karen soldiers on, flustered. The bullies disrupt her
time and again, hurling insults, breaking her down. Tears
flow as Karen relives the trauma.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In the solitude of her attic, Karen delves into her past amidst the scent of wine. Discovering her high school yearbook and a videotape of her valedictorian speech, she is confronted by a stark contrast between her former and present selves. The haunting echoes of her high school torment and the realization of her past struggles stir within her a bittersweet nostalgia and a quest for self-understanding.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Resonant themes
Weaknesses
  • Potential for melodrama
  • Lack of external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally impactful, delving into Karen's past and revealing her vulnerabilities. It sets up a strong foundation for character development and adds depth to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of revisiting Karen's high school experience through a VHS tape is innovative and adds layers to her character. The exploration of societal norms and self-discovery is compelling.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on Karen's internal struggles and past traumas, setting the stage for her character arc. It adds depth to the overall story and provides insight into Karen's motivations.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of self-acceptance and overcoming past traumas, with a focus on introspection and personal growth. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The scene focuses on Karen's character development, revealing her vulnerabilities and inner strength. The exploration of her past traumas adds complexity to her character.

Character Changes: 8

Karen undergoes significant emotional growth in the scene, confronting her past traumas and finding strength in resilience. It sets the stage for her character arc and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Karen's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with her past and confront the trauma of being bullied in high school. This reflects her deeper need for self-acceptance and healing from past wounds.

External Goal: 7

Karen's external goal in this scene is to find clues or answers about her past, as she frantically searches through the boxes in her attic. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing of uncovering the truth about her past experiences.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is internal, focusing on Karen's past traumas and struggles with self-esteem. It sets up the emotional stakes for her character arc.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Karen faces internal and external challenges that test her resilience and determination. The bullies' insults and disruptions create obstacles for Karen to overcome.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes in the scene are emotional, focusing on Karen's past traumas and struggles with self-esteem. It sets the stage for her character arc and growth.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides important insight into Karen's character and sets the stage for her growth and development. It moves the story forward by establishing emotional stakes and character motivations.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it reveals unexpected layers of Karen's character and past experiences, keeping the audience intrigued and invested in the outcome of her journey.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between conformity and individuality. Young Karen's speech challenges the rules and norms set by previous generations, advocating for boldness and breaking boundaries. This challenges Karen's beliefs about success and societal expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene is emotionally impactful, delving into Karen's past traumas and vulnerabilities. It evokes feelings of empathy and sets the stage for her character development.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys Karen's emotional turmoil and the impact of bullying on her self-esteem. It sets the tone for the scene and enhances the character development.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it delves into the emotional depth of the characters, creating a sense of empathy and connection with the audience. The exploration of past traumas and self-discovery keeps the audience invested in Karen's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of introspection and emotional depth with tension and conflict. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in Karen's journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue. The visual descriptions enhance the atmosphere of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively sets up Karen's emotional turmoil by showing her searching for clues from her past in the attic.
  • The use of the high school yearbook and VHS tape adds depth to Karen's character and highlights her struggle with her current situation.
  • The flashback to Karen's valedictorian speech is a powerful way to contrast her past optimism with her current feelings of failure and inadequacy.
  • The bullying scenes add a layer of complexity to Karen's character and provide insight into her emotional state.
  • The scene effectively conveys Karen's inner conflict and self-doubt through the use of flashbacks and present-day actions.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual cues or symbolic elements in the attic to enhance the theme of Karen's search for identity and meaning.
  • Explore ways to further connect the flashback to Karen's valedictorian speech with her present-day struggles and decisions.
  • Consider incorporating more dialogue or inner monologue from Karen to provide insight into her thoughts and emotions during the scene.
  • Experiment with different ways to transition between the present-day attic scene and the flashback to Karen's high school experience for a smoother narrative flow.
  • Ensure that the emotional impact of the bullying scenes is balanced with Karen's resilience and growth throughout the script.



Scene 9 -  Karen's YouTube Revelation
INT. MATH CLASS - MORNING
Bryston sits in Math class. The silence is broken by the
ringing of the classroom phone.

MRS. DANNON
Bryston, you are being summoned to
the office.

CLASS
Ooooooooooo!

Bryston bows and excuses himself from the classroom.
26.


INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Bryston walks alone through an empty stairwell toward the
office. He hears an ominous voice from behind.

KAREN (O.S.)
Hello Bryston. Let’s talk..

Bryston turns to see Karen lurking in the shadows.

BRYSTON
Da fuh?


INT. RESTAURANT - AFTER SCHOOL

Bryston feasts on Karen’s dime, while she picks his brain.

BRYSTON
You want to do a YouTube channel?
About what?

KAREN
Anything. Everything. Whatever
other people are doing. A little of
this, a little of that.

BRYSTON
No, no, no. You have to have a
brand.

KAREN
A brand?

BRYSTON
For your platform.

KAREN
My platform?

Bryston shakes his head.

BRYSTON
Look at Captain and Penny. Her
brand is the perfect mom.

KAREN
Yeah. I want to do that!

BRYSTON
I don’t really see that for you.

KAREN
Why not? I can be whoever I want.
27.


BRYSTON
But why be anybody else. Be you.

KAREN
Would you watch me?

BRYSTON
Oh. Heck. No.

Karen nods, validated and dejected at the same time.

BRYSTON (CONT'D)
But somebody would. There is an
audience for literally everything.
As long as you are being yourself.
Authenticity is everything.
KAREN
What if I’m not sure who I am?

BRYSTON
I can’t think of anything worse.

KAREN
I need your help. Please.

BRYSTON
Hard pass.

Karen reaches across the table and grabs Bryston’s hands. He
looks alarmed, but in his usual very nonchalant way.

KAREN
Just come over to my house.

BRYSTON
Stranger danger.

KAREN
Help me make some videos. With my
daughter. I’m trying to do
something to save our relationship
before she gets to high school and
I lose her forever. She loves
YouTube... I just...

Karen is on the VERGE OF TEARS. Bryston looks confused.

BRYSTON
You have a daughter? Is she, you
know, like you?
28.


KAREN
Yes. Is that so hard to believe? I
conceived her with my very handsome
high school sweetheart on a
moonlight, sweaty night. He
introduced me to fleshly delights.

BRYSTON
Ick. Those are vivid ass details.

KAREN
I bore her for 10 arduous months. I
birthed her after 27 hours of
labor. Also a sweaty, sweaty time.
Tore my taint to shreds doing it.
Damn thing still doesn’t look
right.

Bryston flinches.

BRYSTON
Bruh! This is child abuse. Please
stop.

KAREN
And I raised her. Alone. So yeah. I
have a daughter. She goes to your
school. Maybe you know her...

BRYSTON
Is she a derp?

Karen holds up her phone, featuring a very flattering photo
of SIMONE.

KAREN
Does she look like a derp to you?

For a moment, Bryston forgets that he looks down on everyone
with contempt. He lets his guard down, even smiling a little.

BRYSTON
She does not.

Just as suddenly, he catches himself.

BRYSTON (CONT'D)
Wait. How is this your daughter?
She looks... almost normal.

Karen pleads with her eyes.
29.


BRYSTON (CONT'D)
Hmmmm. Well, it wouldn’t hurt to
shoot some test footage and see if
the real Karen comes out.

KAREN
So you’re in?

BRYSTON
One condition.

Karen nods, a bit uncertain.

BRYSTON (CONT'D)
From now on, you will address me as
Sensei.
KAREN
I’m not calling you that...

BRYSTON
Deal’s off.

Swallowing hard, Karen thinks.

KAREN
Ok. Sure. Fine. Yes.

BRYSTON
Yes what?

KAREN
Yes Sensei.

A smug smirk overtakes Bryston’s face.

BRYSTON
First, you need to do some
research.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In a chance encounter, Bryston agrees to assist Karen with her YouTube venture after she agrees to address him as "Sensei." Together, they discuss incorporating her daughter into their videos.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Exploration of modern themes
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may come off as forced or unnatural

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, emotion, and informative elements to create a compelling narrative that engages the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a mother and daughter attempting to bond through YouTube is unique and relevant, offering a fresh perspective on modern relationships.

Plot: 7

The plot advances the story by introducing the idea of creating a YouTube channel as a way to bridge the gap between the characters, setting up potential conflicts and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the mentor-student dynamic and explores themes of identity and authenticity in a unique way.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and relatable, each facing their own internal struggles and desires for connection.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience subtle changes in their perspectives and relationships, setting the stage for potential growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Bryston's internal goal is to maintain his sense of self and authenticity in the face of Karen's attempts to mold him into something he's not.

External Goal: 7

Bryston's external goal is to help Karen with her YouTube channel and potentially improve her relationship with her daughter.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a moderate level of conflict present, mainly revolving around the characters' internal struggles and the challenges of communication.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with Bryston initially resistant to helping Karen but ultimately agreeing to assist her.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not extremely high, the emotional stakes for the characters in terms of their relationships and self-discovery are significant.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new dynamics and challenges for the characters to navigate.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable in its character interactions and dialogue, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around authenticity and identity, as Bryston encourages Karen to be true to herself while she struggles with finding her own identity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from humor to empathy, making it impactful for the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and reveals the characters' personalities and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its witty dialogue, character dynamics, and the unfolding mentorship relationship between Bryston and Karen.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and developing the mentorship relationship between Bryston and Karen.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to standard screenplay format, making it easy to follow and visualize the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a dialogue-driven scene, with clear character motivations and interactions.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition between the classroom setting and the hallway encounter, making the shift feel abrupt and disjointed.
  • The dialogue between Karen and Bryston feels forced and unnatural, lacking depth and authenticity in their interaction.
  • The character development of Bryston is inconsistent, as he goes from being dismissive to suddenly agreeing to help Karen without a strong enough reason for his change of heart.
  • The emotional depth of Karen's plea for help with her daughter is overshadowed by the awkward and inappropriate details she shares about her personal life, detracting from the seriousness of the situation.
  • The humor in the scene, particularly in Karen's dialogue, feels out of place and undermines the emotional weight of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between the classroom and hallway scenes to improve the flow of the narrative.
  • Focus on developing more authentic and meaningful dialogue between Karen and Bryston to enhance the emotional impact of their interaction.
  • Provide a clearer motivation for Bryston's decision to help Karen, ensuring his character arc is more consistent and believable.
  • Tone down the inappropriate details shared by Karen and focus on conveying the genuine emotional struggle she is facing with her daughter.
  • Balance the humor in the scene with the serious nature of Karen's plea for help, ensuring the tone remains appropriate and consistent throughout.



Scene 10 -  YouTube Obsessions: A Night with Karen and Bryston
INT. KAREN’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Karen watches a series of YouTubers:

- BELLAGAMBA, a pretty twenty-something girl in a closeup on
her GLITTERY MAKEUP AND LARGE FAKE EYELASHES. She is
WHISPERING almost inaudibly and FLUTTERING HER FINGERS, like
she is performing magic.

BELLAGAMBA (WHISPERED)
So.... My little angels. Good.
Good. Brilliant.
30.


Karen looks confused.

BRYSTON (V.O.)
Check out Bellagamba. 10 million
subscribers. She does ASMR and
mukbang. Mostly just making weird
sounds. It’s supposed to be
relaxing

BELLAGAMBA
Gdgdgdggdgdgd....

KAREN
Da fuh? What am I looking at?

-THE LUCKINBILLS, a whitebread family in their front lawn,
with all blonde dad, mom, and seven kids. Each is wearing
MATCHING WHITE POLO SHIRTS AND WHITE PANTS. The dad is
holding AN OPEN BIBLE, in front of his son, who HOLDS BOTH OF
HIS SISTERS HANDS, gazing into her eyes. The video title
announces KODY AND KASSIDY’S PRACTICE WEDDING.

LUCKINBILL MOM(V.O.)
Hey, guys. Today we are going to
have an old fashioned Luckinbill
wedding. Kody and Kassidy are going
to tie the knot!

BRYSTON (V.O.)
On the family channel side, the
Luckinbills. They’re a little...

Karen squints.

KAREN
... creepy? The dad is performing a
wedding ceremony... for his
children?

The boy puts a ring on his sister’s finger, and she kisses
him.

BRYSTON (V.O.)
And they dress kind of...

KAREN
Cultish...?

-NIGHTSHADE SUPERSAD, a mousy GOTH GIRL with BLACK BANGS and
HEAVY MAKEUP.

BRYSTON (V.O.)
-There’s niche content. Like
Nightshade Supersad.
(MORE)
31.

BRYSTON (V.O.) (CONT'D)
She’s got 5 million subscribers who
like analogue horror. She’s into
taxidermy, and other dead things.

Nightshade is in white lab coat and holds a scalpel.

NIGHTSHADE (MONOTONE)
Hey. Today we are going to re-enact
the autopsy of Harry Houdini.
You’ll never guess what I’m using
for the corpse.

Karen winces.

KAREN
Yuck. Next.

-PETE FILARDO, a NERDY, MIDDLE AGED MAN in a sport coat and
bowtie.

BRYSTON (V.O.)
There are content creators who are
actually skilled at something. Pete
Filardo is a former Area 51
engineer. He does the craziest
science projects. Like he did an
egg drop challenge.

Karen scoffs as she watches Pete manipulating lab equipment.

KAREN (V.O.)
Big deal. I’ve done egg drops. When
I subbed a science class. You build
a container and drop it from the
second floor of the school...

PETE
Greetings humans. It’s time for
another subscriber request.

BRYSTON (V.O.)
He dropped it from space. It
survived re-entry and landed
safely. In the Sahara desert.

PETE
Today I will be taking on my
toughest challenge yet. I will be
cloning... myself.

KAREN
Whoa. Is That real?
32.


PETE
I don’t have many friends. Or
indeed any.

Karen looks concerned as she pauses Pete’s video.

KAREN (V.O.)
What if I’m not good at anything?
No one will watch.

BRYSTON (V.O.)
Well, that never stopped
Outlandish. They are literally good
at nothing. And they have 30
million subscribers.

-OUTLANDISH consists of 5 TWENTY-SOMETHING MEN, ALWAYS IN
SHORTS AND TSHIRTS.

BRYSTON (V.O.)
Outlandish is a bunch of adult
children, living in a giant
mansion. Doing stupid stuff for
views. A lot of it is clickbait.

The Outlandish dudes stand outside a building dressed in
comical BURGLER COSTUMES, including striped black and white
shirts and black masks.

OUTLANDISH DOOFUS 1
Hey bros. It’s Outlandish. Today,
me and the boys are going to rob a
real bank! And the security guard
is going to try and stop us. With
extreme prejudice!

Karen shakes her head as the morons are PEPPER SPRAYED IN THE
FACE, and TASERED, as they all howl and cackle with laughter.

BRYSTON (V.O.)
There is literally no barrier for
entry. That is the point. Anyone
can do it.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Karen delves into the world of YouTube, reacting to various content creators with a mix of curiosity, confusion, and mild disgust. With Bryston's commentary, she explores the diverse range of personalities and content that populate the platform. Despite her initial skepticism, Bryston encourages Karen to embrace her own potential as a content creator.
Strengths
  • Satirical humor
  • Character exploration
  • Unique concept
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Potential for cliched character arcs

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends humor with a critical examination of online content creation, providing insight into the characters' perspectives and setting up potential conflicts and character development.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring various YouTube genres and the characters' reactions to them is unique and engaging. It offers a fresh take on the impact of online media on society.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around Karen's discovery of YouTube content and her decision to start her own channel, setting up potential conflicts and character growth. It moves the story forward by introducing new elements and challenges.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and original take on the world of online content creation, exploring diverse personalities and content styles with a satirical and critical lens. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, offering a unique perspective on the challenges of finding success in the digital age.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions to the YouTube videos reveal their personalities and motivations, adding depth to their interactions and potential development. The diverse range of content creators reflects different aspects of the characters' lives.

Character Changes: 6

Karen undergoes a shift in perspective as she considers starting her own YouTube channel, reflecting a potential change in her goals and identity. The scene sets up the possibility for character growth and transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

Karen's internal goal in this scene is to find her own niche and talent in the world of content creation. She is grappling with self-doubt and insecurity about her abilities compared to the successful YouTubers she is watching.

External Goal: 7

Karen's external goal is to understand the different types of content on YouTube and potentially find inspiration for her own channel.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict arises from Karen's internal struggle with self-doubt and the potential challenges of starting her own YouTube channel. The clash between traditional values and modern online culture adds depth to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Karen facing internal doubts and external challenges in her quest to find her own voice in the world of online content creation. The contrasting personalities and content styles of the YouTubers she watches create conflict and tension in the scene.

High Stakes: 5

While the stakes are not extremely high in this scene, the potential consequences of Karen's decision to start a YouTube channel and the impact on her relationships add tension and intrigue.

Story Forward: 8

The scene introduces new elements, conflicts, and character dynamics that propel the story forward. It sets up future developments and challenges for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a diverse range of content creators and unexpected scenarios, challenging the audience's expectations and assumptions about online content. The characters' actions and dialogue keep the reader guessing and engaged.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the idea of authenticity and talent in content creation. Karen is faced with creators who excel in different areas, from ASMR to science experiments, and she questions her own worth and abilities in comparison.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene elicits humor and critical reflection, but the emotional impact is not as pronounced. The focus is more on satire and character dynamics.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' reactions to the YouTube videos, showcasing humor, sarcasm, and confusion. It sets the tone for the scene and establishes the characters' perspectives.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a variety of intriguing characters and content styles, keeping the audience interested and entertained. The humor and social commentary add depth to the scene, inviting the reader to reflect on the nature of online content creation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The rapid shifts between different content creators and their unique styles create a dynamic and engaging narrative flow.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The use of visual cues and character voices enhances the reader's understanding of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a clear and engaging format, introducing different content creators and their unique styles in a coherent and entertaining way. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness by maintaining the audience's interest and building tension.


Critique
  • The scene introduces various YouTubers with unique content, but the transitions between each YouTuber are abrupt and disjointed, making it hard for the audience to follow.
  • The dialogue between Karen and Bryston feels forced and expository, lacking natural flow and authenticity.
  • The visual descriptions of the YouTubers and their content are vivid, but the scene could benefit from more nuanced reactions from Karen to each YouTuber's content.
  • The scene focuses on showcasing different types of content creators on YouTube, but it lacks a clear connection to Karen's character development or the overall narrative arc.
  • The humor in the scene, particularly with the Outlandish group, feels exaggerated and may not resonate with all audiences.
Suggestions
  • Consider smoother transitions between each YouTuber by incorporating a common thread or theme that ties them together.
  • Work on making the dialogue between Karen and Bryston more natural and engaging, with a focus on character development and relationship dynamics.
  • Add depth to Karen's reactions to each YouTuber by showing how their content impacts her personally or triggers specific emotions.
  • Ensure that the scene serves a clear purpose in advancing the overall story and character arcs, rather than just showcasing different YouTube content creators.
  • Tone down the exaggerated humor and focus on creating more relatable and authentic interactions between the characters.



Scene 11 -  Messy Mom Moments: Karen and Simone's YouTube Journey
INT. KAREN’S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Karen arranges A BOX OF SUPPLIES on an elaborately laid out
table, as Bryston arranges a simple LIGHT FIXTURE and puts
his IPHONE on a stand.
33.


Just then, Simone enters the room, confused. She pulls her
mom aside.

SIMONE
Um, what the heck? Why is Bryston
Haney here?

KAREN
I’m starting a YouTube channel.
Bryston is helping me by doing all
the hard stuff.

SIMONE
But why?

KAREN
I actually was hoping it would give
you and me something to do.
Together. Just for us. Maybe get to
know each other.

Simone is visibly touched, but tries vainly to hide it.

SIMONE
I didn’t think you were
listening...

Karen smiles.

SIMONE (CONT'D)
This actually looks pretty cool.
I’ve always wanted to try to make a
video. Oh my god, is that for ASMR?
Nice.

Karen’s face lights up. As mom and daughter share a moment,
Bryston watches out of the corner of his eye, which pauses
for a long moment on Simone.


MONTAGE AS BRYSTON FILMS KAREN AND SIMONE:
KAREN
Hey Guys! I’m Karen...

SIMONE
And I’m Simone. And this is our
channel... Mom & Me.

KAREN
Let’s deposit a little something in
the memory bank.

Simone nods, as if to say, ‘not bad’.
34.


SUPERIMPOSE: NO MIRROR MAKEUP CHALLENGE


— KAREN AND SIMONE EACH APPLY MAKEUP TO THEIR FACES, WITHOUT
THE BENEFIT OF A MIRROR. BOTH LOOK VERY SERIOUS.

SUPERIMPOSE: GOURMET COOKING CHALLENGE


— KAREN AND SIMONE, WEARING APRONS, BOTH ATTEMPT TO MAKE THE
SAME FANCY, GOURMET DISH, USING A PHOTO AS A REFERENCE.

KAREN
This almost doesn’t seem fair. I
used to be a sous chef at Sizzler.
So....

SUPERIMPOSE: RELAXING ASMR SOUNDS


— SIMONE WHISPERS INTO A BROADCASTING-STYLE MICROPHONE AS
KAREN AND BRYSTON LOOK ON.


SIMONE (WHISPERING)
Next, a paintbrush.

Simone swipes the brush across the microphone, producing a
fairly pleasing sound.

SIMONE (WHISPERING) (CONT'D)
Satisfying.

Karen and Bryston both nod.

SUPERIMPOSE: SLIME-MAKING CHALLENGE


— KAREN AND SIMONE, WEARING LAB COATS AND GOOGLES, EACH HOLD
UP HOUSEHOLD MATERIALS AND CONTAINERS.
KAREN
This is a thing?

Bryston shakes his head and gives her a thumbs up.

SUPERIMPOSE: MUKBANG

— BRYSTON’S CAMERA FOCUSES IN ON KAREN AND SIMONE’S MOUTHS,
AS THEY SELECT RANDOM FOOD ITEMS AND EAT INTO THE MICROPHONE.

SIMONE gingerly takes a bite into a strawberry and chews it
into the microphone.
35.


As Bryston shifts the camera to Karen, Simone gives him a
look as if to say, was that ok? Bryston gulps and nods,
embarrassed at how good he thought it was.

Camera focused on her mouth, Karen takes a piece of celery
and takes a bite. The sounds she makes are disgusting:
inhuman crunching, slurping, burping. Juices run down her
chin.

Simone looks horrified. Bryston’s mouth is wide open.

SUPERIMPOSE: SLIME MAKING

SIMONE
OK, let’s see how it turned out. In
3, 2, 1.....


— SIMONE REACHES INTO HER CONTAINER AND WITHDRAWS A PERFECTLY
FORMED HANDFUL OF SLIME, WHICH SHE TWISTS BETWEEN HER
FINGERS.

SIMONE
Looks amazing. Mom, how’s yours
looking?

KAREN’S CONCOCTION IS BUBBLING VIOLENTLY.

KAREN
Is it supposed to do that?

SIMONE
Mom, what did you put in there?

Suddenly, the gooey mixture erupts into Karen’s face,
knocking off her goggles.

KAREN
Ah, my eyes! It burns so much!

Flailing around, Karen slips on the slime and topples the
table and all of her equipment, cursing.

SUPERIMPOSE: ASMR

Simone blows gently into the microphone. It is very peaceful
and relaxing.

Next it’s Karen’s turn on the mic. She is nervously breathing
heavily into it, generating an unnerving racket.

Bryston leans into Simone.
36.


BRYSTON
Why is she breathing so hard?

SIMONE
No idea. Mom you ok?

KAREN (WHISPERING, BUT ALSO
HYPERVENTILATING)
Here goes..... A gentle breeze.

Karen blows aggressively into the mic. It is an apocalyptic
sound, so abrasive it makes the mic squeal with feedback.
Simone and Bryston flinch.

KAREN (HALF-WHISPERING, HALF SHOUTING) (CONT'D)
Satisfying.
Karen and Bryston laugh out loud.

SUPERIMPOSE: COOKING CHALLENGE

Predictably, Simone’s dish is perfect, with decorative
touches that even exceed the photo. Karen’s is an
abomination.

KAREN (CONT'D)
But what do they taste like?

Simone bites into hers.

SIMONE
Mmmmmm.

Karen sniffs hers and chomps off a piece, and holds it in her
mouth, as if she were savoring it. As she opens her mouth to
speak, she has to stop herself from vomiting. Simone and
Bryston take step toward her to help.

KAREN
It’s OK. Just a dry heave. Nothing
to....
At this, Karen vomits in volcanic fashion. For distance.
Repeatedly. Simone and Bryston wait for it to end.

Finally...

KAREN (CONT'D)
That was more of a... wet heave.

Simone flinches. Close on her Bryston’s faces as the sounds
of retching recommence.

Finally... Still on the kids...
37.


KAREN, GASPING (O.S)
Hmmm. Interesting. This one was
neither solid nor liquid. More like
a gas? A visible vapor....

At that Simone laughs, then covers her own mouth to prevent
her own event.

SUPERIMPOSE: NO MIRROR MAKEUP CHALLENGE

Simone and Karen have their backs turned to the camera.

KAREN
Time for the big reveal. How do you
feel, Simone?

SIMONE
Nervous. How about you, Mom?

KAREN
I feel pretty. Sexy even.

SIMONE
Ok. Turn around in 3, 2, 1....

Simone’s makeup looks professional, accurately applied and
tastefully done. She is pleasantly surprised.

Karen turns. Her face looks like a GHOLISH MIME, with garish
color combinations and altogether way too much makeup. She
seems confused.

Simone laughs out loud. At first Karen looks hurt, but she
catches herself and joins her daughter in a hysterical
outburst. It’s like a dam has burst between them.

Karen looks into the camera.

KAREN
A word to the moms out there. I
know it seems like no one sees you.
With all the cooking and careers
and PTO meetings and driving, God,
the driving. Well, I see you...

Simone stops and really listens.

KAREN (CONT'D)
Motherhood ain’t always pretty. It
ain’t always clean. Clearly, it
ain’t always dignified. Don’t let
anyone try to convince you
otherwise.
(MORE)
38.

KAREN (CONT'D)
Don’t let anyone shame you with
Pinterest boards or Facebook
pictures, or science projects or
school lunches. You are doing
great.

Bryston nods approvingly, impressed.

KAREN (CONT'D)
Bryston, maybe we can clean those
up in post?

BRYSTON
Post?

KAREN
Post-production. You know, edit the
video to make me look better.

BRYSTON
I’m not sure why you would do that.
I think that was you. The real
Karen and Simone.

SIMONE
I wish. We never have fun like
that.

KAREN
Maybe it can be. Why not?

Bryston packs up his equipment and starts to leave. Karen and
Simone barely notice, this is their moment.

SUPERIMPOSE: ONE MONTH LATER
Genres: ["Comedy","Family","Drama"]

Summary Karen and Simone launch a YouTube channel with Bryston's help, tackling challenges like cooking, makeup, and slime-making. Despite Karen's mishaps and Simone's successes, they bond and find joy in the experience. Karen encourages moms to embrace the messiness of motherhood.
Strengths
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Humorous moments
  • Heartwarming mother-daughter bonding
Weaknesses
  • Some scenes may border on slapstick comedy
  • Lack of external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, heartwarming moments, and reflection on mother-daughter relationships, making it engaging and entertaining.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a mother and daughter starting a YouTube channel together is fresh and relatable, offering a unique perspective on family dynamics and self-expression.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the mother and daughter bonding over creating content for their YouTube channel, leading to comedic mishaps and genuine moments of connection.

Originality: 9

The scene showcases originality through its fresh take on family dynamics, social media culture, and the theme of self-acceptance. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, adding a unique twist to familiar storytelling elements.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Karen, Simone, and Bryston are well-developed and their interactions drive the scene forward, showcasing growth and understanding between the mother and daughter.

Character Changes: 8

Both Karen and Simone experience growth and understanding in the scene, leading to a deeper connection and a new perspective on their relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to connect with her daughter on a deeper level and create meaningful memories together. This reflects her desire for a closer relationship with her daughter and a sense of fulfillment as a mother.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to start a successful YouTube channel with her daughter, showcasing their bond and creativity. This reflects her immediate challenge of finding a way to connect with her daughter and engage in a shared activity.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, focusing on the characters' personal growth and understanding rather than external obstacles.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with challenges arising from the characters' interactions and the unexpected outcomes of the challenges. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the characters will navigate the obstacles they face.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on personal growth and relationship dynamics rather than high-stakes conflict.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the mother-daughter relationship, setting up future dynamics for their YouTube channel, and exploring themes of self-discovery.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected outcomes of the challenges and the characters' reactions. The humor and twists in the plot keep the audience engaged and curious about what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of authenticity versus presentation. The protagonist grapples with the idea of editing the video to make herself look better, while Bryston emphasizes the importance of authenticity and embracing their true selves.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions from humor to warmth, creating a connection with the audience through the characters' journey of self-expression and bonding.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, authentic, and drives the humor and emotional beats of the scene, effectively conveying the characters' personalities and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its humor, relatable characters, and emotional depth. The audience is drawn into the story through the characters' interactions and the progression of the YouTube channel creation, creating a sense of anticipation and connection.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, humor, and emotional moments. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions. The visual elements are well-described, enhancing the reader's understanding of the setting and character interactions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the characters' goals and emotions.


Critique
  • The scene introduces the concept of Karen starting a YouTube channel with the help of Bryston, but the transition feels a bit abrupt and could use more build-up to establish Karen's motivation and decision-making process.
  • The dialogue between Karen and Simone is heartfelt and touching, but could benefit from more depth and exploration of their relationship dynamics and struggles.
  • The montage of challenges, such as the no-mirror makeup challenge and the gourmet cooking challenge, feels rushed and lacks a clear connection to the overall story arc. Each challenge should serve a purpose in advancing the characters' development and relationships.
  • The ASMR challenge and slime-making challenge add a fun and quirky element to the scene, but the transition between challenges could be smoother to maintain the flow of the narrative.
  • The scene ends with a powerful message from Karen about motherhood and self-acceptance, but the impact could be enhanced by further exploring the emotional journey and growth of the characters throughout the challenges.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more scenes or moments leading up to Karen's decision to start a YouTube channel to provide a stronger foundation for her character arc.
  • Develop the dialogue between Karen and Simone to delve deeper into their relationship dynamics, struggles, and shared experiences to create a more authentic and emotional connection between them.
  • Ensure that each challenge in the montage serves a purpose in advancing the characters' development and relationships, and consider integrating them more seamlessly into the overall narrative.
  • Enhance the transitions between challenges to maintain the flow of the scene and ensure a cohesive storytelling structure.
  • Explore the emotional journey and growth of the characters throughout the challenges to create a more impactful and resonant conclusion to the scene.



Scene 12 -  A Shopping Adventure with Aspirations
EXT. WORTHINGTON’S DEPARTMENT STORE - DAY

Karen and Simone shop together. They pass a bunch of CAPTAIN
AND PENNY MERCHANDISE. A stuffed doll version of the pair.
Penny’s picture on a line of home goods. Captain’s toothy
smile on a t-shirt.

SIMONE
Check it out.

KAREN
Wouldn’t it be funny if that was
us?

SIMONE
Not my thing at all.
39.


Simone wanders off.

KAREN (TO HERSELF)
Not your thing to be rich? To be
somebody?

SIMONE
Ooo, look mom. These shoes are lit!

KAREN (GETTING INTO THE SPIRIT OF
THINGS)
O.M.G.!!!!! Do they have my size?


INT. SIMONE’S BEDROOM - MORNING

Simone is texting PIPER.

SIMONE (TEXT)
Karen is acting so different
lately. like normal. well normal
for her. lol.

PIPER (TEXT)
I know what u mean. maybe the
channel is just what she needed. go
karen!

SIMONE(TEXT)
FR. Go karen!

PIPER (TEXT)
What about the bryston situation?
OOOOOOOO!!!!!

SIMONE (TEXT)
OMG STFU!!!!!

INT. KAREN’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

KAREN is texting SHIRLEY.

KAREN (TEXT)
Holy crap. It’s like she likes me
again.

SHIRLEY (TEXT)
WHO IS THIS???!!!!!!!!

KAREN (TEXT)
Mom, you don’t have to yell.

As Karen texts, she NARRATES HER TEXT. And she uses
punctuation and grammar in her message.
40.


SHIRLEY (TEXT)
WHO IS THIS???!!!!!!!!

KAREN
I’m your only child. Who else calls
you mom?

SHIRLEY (TEXT)
MOM???!!!!!

Karen frowns and calls her mom instead.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary In Worthington's Department Store, Karen and Simone encounter Captain and Penny merchandise. Karen fantasizes about fame and wealth, while Simone remains uninterested. Simone finds a pair of shoes she likes, and they share their experiences with friends via text message. Karen eagerly shares her excitement about her mother's recent behavior, while Simone observes the change. The scene ends with Karen calling her mother, who reacts with confusion to Karen's message.
Strengths
  • Exploration of family dynamics
  • Humorous moments
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Some dialogue may feel repetitive

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends humor with emotional depth, providing insight into the characters' inner struggles and growth.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of starting a YouTube channel to connect with her daughter and explore new opportunities is engaging and relevant.

Plot: 7

The plot advances the story by introducing the idea of the YouTube channel and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of materialism and friendship dynamics through the characters' interactions and dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and language adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and show growth, particularly Karen and Simone, as they navigate their changing relationship.

Character Changes: 7

Both Karen and Simone undergo subtle changes in their perspectives and behaviors, setting the stage for further development.

Internal Goal: 8

Karen's internal goal is to understand Simone's perspective on wealth and identity. She questions whether being rich and famous is important to Simone, reflecting her own insecurities and desires.

External Goal: 6

Karen's external goal is to bond with Simone and enjoy their shopping trip together. This goal is influenced by the immediate circumstances of being in the department store.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict mainly revolves around the characters' internal struggles and the generational gap between Karen and Simone.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with conflicts arising from the characters' differing perspectives on wealth and fame, adding depth to their relationship dynamics.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on personal growth and relationship dynamics.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new dynamics and challenges for the characters to overcome.

Unpredictability: 6

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of character dynamics and plot progression, but the engaging dialogue and conflicts maintain audience interest.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the value of material possessions and fame. Karen's desire for recognition contrasts with Simone's indifference towards it, challenging Karen's beliefs about success and identity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from humor to reflection, as the characters navigate their personal challenges.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, conflicts, and humor, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging due to the dynamic dialogue, relatable character interactions, and the exploration of themes related to friendship and identity.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in maintaining momentum and building tension through the characters' interactions and text message exchanges.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear transitions between locations and effective use of text messages to convey communication.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions, adhering to the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear direction or purpose, as it jumps from Karen and Simone shopping to texting with Piper and Shirley without a strong connection between the two events.
  • The dialogue feels disjointed and lacks depth, with Karen and Simone's interactions coming across as superficial and lacking emotional depth.
  • The scene fails to advance the plot or develop the characters in a meaningful way, making it feel like filler rather than a crucial part of the story.
  • There is a missed opportunity to explore the dynamics between Karen and Simone further, especially in light of their recent experiences with starting a YouTube channel together.
  • The texting exchanges with Piper and Shirley feel forced and unrealistic, detracting from the authenticity of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider focusing the scene on a specific goal or conflict that Karen and Simone are facing, such as discussing their YouTube channel or addressing their evolving relationship.
  • Develop the dialogue to reflect the emotional journey of the characters, adding depth and authenticity to their interactions.
  • Integrate the texting exchanges with Piper and Shirley more seamlessly into the scene, ensuring they contribute to the overall narrative and character development.
  • Explore the internal struggles and growth of Karen and Simone in a more nuanced way, allowing the audience to connect with their journey on a deeper level.
  • Ensure that each scene serves a purpose in advancing the plot or developing the characters, avoiding filler content that does not contribute meaningfully to the story.



Scene 13 -  Phone Call with Karen
INT. SHADY GROVE NURSING HOME - CONTINUOUS

SHIRLEY’S CELL PHONE RINGS. Carl, a confused and weathered
older man, eventually swipes his finger and answers the
phone.

CARL
Mom????!!!

Just then, Shirley notices CARL, and snatches the phone from
him.

SHIRLEY
Give me that, you flirt!!!

Shirley addresses her daughter.

SHIRLEY (ON PHONE) (CONT'D)
Hey. Sorry, this guy is trying put
a sad, saggy selfie on my phone.

KAREN (ON PHONE)
Yuck.

SHIRLEY (ON PHONE)
Hey, don’t talk that way about my
boyfriend!
KAREN (ON PHONE)
Mom, she likes me again. Simone.
It’s a miracle.

SHIRLEY (ON PHONE)
Hallelujah. What did you do?

KAREN (ON PHONE)
I... figured out how to speak her
language.

SHIRLEY (ON PHONE)
I’m a genius. You’re welcome.
41.


KAREN (ON PHONE)
How do you know so much?

SHIRLEY (ON PHONE)
Years of unmitigated, humiliating
failure.

KAREN (ON PHONE)
Then I should be Steven Hawking.

SHIRLEY (ON PHONE)
Hey. Failure is a sign that you are
on the right track. John Lennon and
Paul McCartney wrote and scrapped a
hundred terrible songs before they
wrote their first hit.

KAREN
I see myself as more of a Ringo.

SHIRLEY
You can’t succeed without failure.
Embrace it. Don’t you forget that.
Proud of you.

Carl returns, he seem lost.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)
I have to go. This guy is
insatiable. I gotta say, I don’t
hate it.

KAREN
I stand by my yuck.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Shirley's cell phone rings and Carl, a confused older man, answers it. He calls Shirley "Mom," leading to a humorous moment. Shirley takes the phone and talks to her daughter, Karen, who shares that her girlfriend likes her again. Shirley offers her theory on failure and success, emphasizing its role in achieving success. Carl returns looking lost, and Shirley ends the call with a playful comment about Carl being "insatiable."
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Minimal external conflict
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, sentimentality, and reflection, providing insight into the characters' relationships and personal growth.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of intergenerational communication and learning from past failures is well-executed and adds depth to the characters.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses through Karen's realization and acceptance of failure as a stepping stone to success, setting up future developments.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on the theme of failure and success, with unique character dynamics and dialogue that feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Karen and Shirley are well-developed characters with distinct personalities and a strong emotional connection, driving the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

Karen experiences personal growth and a shift in perspective, realizing the value of failure and the wisdom passed down from her mother.

Internal Goal: 8

Shirley's internal goal is to connect with her daughter and offer support and advice, reflecting her desire to be a good mother and mentor despite her own struggles.

External Goal: 7

Shirley's external goal is to manage her relationship with her boyfriend and navigate the challenges of communication with her daughter.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict is minimal in this scene, focusing more on emotional and reflective moments between Karen and Shirley.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is mild, with internal conflicts and challenges that add depth to the character interactions.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are low in this scene, focusing more on personal growth and emotional connections rather than external conflicts.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene doesn't significantly advance the main plot, it deepens the characters' relationships and sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in its character dynamics and dialogue, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome of the interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the theme of failure and success, with Shirley encouraging her daughter to embrace failure as a stepping stone to success.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from humor to nostalgia to warmth, creating a strong emotional connection with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, heartfelt, and reveals the characters' emotions and growth, enhancing the scene's impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its mix of humor, emotional depth, and relatable character interactions that draw the audience in.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth, with a good balance of dialogue and action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a dialogue-heavy scene in a screenplay, making it easy to read and visualize.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and dialogue that flow naturally.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, with the dialogue feeling disjointed and lacking a cohesive flow.
  • The interaction between Shirley and Carl feels forced and unnatural, detracting from the overall authenticity of the scene.
  • The humor attempted with Carl mistaking Shirley for his mom and Shirley's response falls flat and feels out of place.
  • The conversation between Karen and Shirley about failure and success feels contrived and lacks depth or emotional resonance.
  • The dialogue between Karen and Shirley lacks subtlety and nuance, making the message about failure and success come across as heavy-handed.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging, with a clearer purpose and direction for the scene.
  • Focus on developing the relationship between Karen and Shirley in a more authentic and meaningful way, with dialogue that reflects their dynamic and history.
  • Explore ways to add depth and emotional resonance to the conversation about failure and success, making it more impactful and relatable to the audience.
  • Consider adding layers to the humor in the scene to make it more effective and engaging, avoiding cliched or forced comedic elements.
  • Work on creating a more cohesive and engaging scene that contributes to the overall narrative arc and character development.



Scene 14 -  Embarrassment at School
EXT. GERALD FORD MIDDLE SCHOOL - MORNING

Karen and Simone, driving together, pull up to the outside of
the school.
KAREN
You sure you don’t want me to park
a block away?

Simone smiles.

SIMONE
I’m sure. Just drop me over there,
ok? On the side? Baby steps...

Karen is more than ok with that.
42.


SIMONE (CONT'D)
And mom... you look great today.

With that, Simone is gone. Karen blasts her car radio with
the windows down.

Tom sees her drive by. He laughs. Obviously, things seem to
be going better.


INT. CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS

Karen stands in front of the class. She looks more put
together: hair standing tall, a bit too much makeup, a
professional, if outdated blazer over a puffy white blouse,
skirt and heels. The blazer is a bit too tight, and she
insists on buttoning it.

TASON
You’re back to your usual size.

WILLIAMS
Much more huger than last time.

Karen gives the boy side-eye, then relaxes.

KAREN
I’ll allow it.

AYLA
Why have you been looking sort of
normal?

KAYLA
Is that a blouse or a shirt?

LAYLA
Definitely a blouse. Blouses are
fancier. But also grosser.

Karen flinches, then stands down.
KAREN
You can’t bring me down.

Karen shoots a knowing glance at Bryston. He nods, but stays
uncharacteristically quiet.

TASON
What happened to the old Ms. Shit-
slinger? We like her better.

Karen turns on her projector.
43.


KAREN
She doesn’t work here anymore.
(Beat) Open your books. We’re going
to talk about Catcher in the Rye.
Maybe one of you will like it so
much they’ll find it on you at a
crime scene.

As she talks, she hears a swell of nattering behind her.
Finally, she turns to confront the class.

All of her students are gathered around Ayla, who is playing
a YouTube video on her phone. Karen confidently strides
toward the crowd.

KAREN (CONT'D)
Give it to me. Now.

Ayla hands Karen her phone. The students inhale and hold
their breath collectively, waiting to see their teacher’s
response.

Playing the video, entitled MOM AND ME MAKE SLIME, Karen
feels a surprising jolt of pride.

KAREN (CONT'D)
Oh. You guys found our video. Cool.

Nervous, Karen makes eye contact with Bryston. He makes a
reassuring face.

Karen squints to watch as Simone extracts her successful
slime. She smiles broadly. Proudly.

JADA
Is that Simone? From my French
class?

Onscreen, Karen emerges in her lab coat and goggles.

BAYLOR
Wait for it.

KAREN
Oh, this part is great. My slime
turned out amazing.

She locks eyes with Bryston again.

Onscreen, Karen and Simone produce perfect slime.

KAREN (CONT'D)
Wow, great job, Bryston. It looks
just like Penny, doing her thing...
44.


Onscreen, a title appears on screen: THE TRUTH BEHIND THE
IMAGE. Karen prepares to reveal her slime, and ALL HELL
BREAKS LOOSE as Karen squirts slime into her bare eyes, and
flails around before finally flopping over the table and
toppling it, making a HUGE RACKET.

Karen is confused.

KAREN (CONT'D)
No. This isn’t right. Let’s look at
another one.

Different video. Same humiliating result. The kids are
rolling. This is comedy gold.

Karen grabs Bryston by the shoulder and rustles him out into
the hall.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Karen drops off her daughter Simone at school and receives a compliment from her. In the classroom, Karen is mocked by her students for her appearance. The students then find a video of Karen and Simone making slime, leading to embarrassment for Karen.
Strengths
  • Humorous moments
  • Authentic character reactions
  • Engaging plot development
Weaknesses
  • Some predictable elements
  • Slight lack of tension

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends humor and embarrassment to create an engaging and entertaining moment that also allows for reflection on Karen's character.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Karen trying to connect with her students through a YouTube video is unique and engaging, adding depth to her character and the story.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Karen faces a comedic challenge in front of her students, leading to character growth and reflection.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the teacher-student dynamic, incorporating humor and vulnerability to create a realistic portrayal of classroom interactions. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Karen, are well-developed and their reactions to the situation feel authentic and relatable.

Character Changes: 7

Karen experiences a moment of reflection and growth as she navigates the embarrassing situation in front of her students.

Internal Goal: 8

Karen's internal goal in this scene is to maintain her composure and authority in front of her students despite their teasing and challenges. This reflects her desire to be respected and accepted by her students.

External Goal: 7

Karen's external goal in this scene is to regain control of her classroom and establish her authority as a teacher. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in managing her students' behavior.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict arises from Karen's attempt to connect with her students through a YouTube video, leading to a humorous and embarrassing situation.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Karen facing challenges from her students and her own insecurities. The audience is left wondering how she will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 5

While the stakes are not extremely high in this scene, the emotional impact and character growth make it significant.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening Karen's character development and setting up potential future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, such as Karen's embarrassing moment with the slime videos. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between maintaining professionalism and connecting with her students on a personal level. Karen must balance her role as a teacher with her desire to be liked and understood by her students.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from humor to embarrassment to reflection, making it impactful.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the humor and embarrassment of the situation, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its relatable characters, witty dialogue, and realistic portrayal of teacher-student interactions. The humor and drama blend keeps the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and humor, with well-timed beats and character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue adds to the overall impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It adheres to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a classroom setting, with clear character introductions, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus or direction, jumping from Karen dropping off Simone at school to her teaching a class without a smooth transition.
  • The dialogue between Karen and her students feels forced and unrealistic, with the students making overly harsh and inappropriate comments about Karen's appearance.
  • The humor in the scene falls flat, relying too heavily on Karen's embarrassing moments with the slime rather than building genuine comedic moments.
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven, with abrupt shifts in tone and action that make it difficult for the audience to fully engage with the story.
  • The scene could benefit from more character development and depth, particularly in Karen's interactions with her students and Bryston.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to have a clearer narrative arc and smoother transitions between the different moments.
  • Focus on creating more authentic and relatable dialogue for Karen and her students, avoiding overly harsh or unrealistic comments.
  • Work on building more organic and nuanced humor throughout the scene, rather than relying on Karen's embarrassing moments for laughs.
  • Pay attention to the pacing of the scene, ensuring that each moment flows naturally into the next and maintains the audience's interest.
  • Develop the characters further, particularly Karen, to create more depth and complexity in their interactions and relationships.



Scene 15 -  Viral Redemption
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

KAREN
The hell, man? What happened to
‘cleaning it up in post’?

BRYSTON
I tried. It didn’t work.

KAREN
Didn’t work?

BRYSTON
It wasn’t you. I created a version
where you did everything perfect.
It sucked. It was just bogus Penny.
There was no Karen in it.

KAREN
This is terrible. You just ruined
my life. Maybe that’s what you
wanted all along. You get off on
bullying people.

Karen starts to storm off, before returning.

KAREN (CONT'D)
And by the way, Bryston is the
stupidest name I’ve ever heard. It
reeks of entitled, suburban
douchebaggery. How does that feel?

BRYSTON
I’m not sure. What does that mean?
45.


Pausing at the door before returning, Karen sees all the kids
reacting IN HYSTERICS as they watch her videos.


INT. CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS

Karen enters and tries to casually try to restart the lesson.
She has lost her groove.

KAREN
OK, let’s get back in our seats and
get excited about J.D. Salinger!!!

Tumbleweeds. She has lost the class. Cries of DERP! And OOF!
fill the air as they watch videos. Then, A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.


INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Simone stands there glaring, holding her phone up to display
their video.

SIMONE
Are you trying to ruin my life?

Karen closes the classroom door.

KAREN
I promise I don’t know what
happened. Bryston was supposed to
edit them to get rid of the
embarrassing parts.

SIMONE
Well, he didn’t. I had to leave
class. It was too much. I have to
change schools now. You know that,
right?

KAREN
I never meant to....

Simone is looking past her mom to the classroom door. The
students are standing together, peering through the door at
Simone and Karen. Karen opens the door. As she does, her
students burst into APPLAUSE.

Ayla races up to Karen with her phone. The video has
2,000,000 views and counting.

AYLA
OMG. You guys are going viral!!
46.


On cue, the rest of the class fills the hall. Some chant KA-
REN, KA-REN. Some take selfies with Karen. Others approach
Simone.

LAYLA
I always suspected you were cool.

KAYLA
Right?

Simone blushes at the attention, but she loves it. Looking
past the girls, she notices Bryston smiling at her.

Bryston approaches Karen.

KAREN
I’m not sure what to say (Beat).
Your name is not stupid. You really
know your stuff.

Bryston nods.

BRYSTON
You’re welcome.

As the crowd disperses, Simone and Karen stand in shock.

KAREN
What just happened?

SIMONE
The mean girls want me to hang out
with them.

KAREN
Is that a good thing?

SIMONE
I have no idea.

Bryston sidles up to them.

BRYSTON
You’ve just taken your first steps
into a larger world.

KAREN
Yes, sensei.

Karen is happy because Simone is happy.

From a distance, Tom stands and watches Karen in her glory.
He catches her eye and nods approvingly.
47.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Karen confronts Bryston about the unedited videos he posted online, accusing him of bullying her. Bryston insists he tried to edit but couldn't. Karen storms off but returns to find students watching her videos hysterically. She tries to restart the lesson but they mock her. Simone confronts Karen, saying the incident forced her to change schools. Karen apologizes and the students applaud her. The students swarm Karen, celebrating her newfound virality. Simone is surprised. Bryston compliments Karen, who returns the sentiment. As the crowd disperses, Simone and Karen stand in shock. Bryston tells them they've entered a larger world.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character development
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched moments
  • Slightly predictable plot twists

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, emotion, and reflection to create a compelling narrative that engages the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the challenges of social media fame and its effects on personal relationships is unique and engaging.

Plot: 7

The plot is well-developed, with a clear progression of events that lead to a significant turning point for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements of teenage drama and social media influence, creating a unique and engaging narrative. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and undergo significant development throughout the scene, particularly in their relationships with each other.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in their perspectives and relationships, particularly in response to the events of the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Karen's internal goal in this scene is to regain control and authority in her classroom after a humiliating incident. This reflects her need for validation and respect as a teacher.

External Goal: 7

Karen's external goal is to salvage her reputation and prevent further embarrassment caused by the viral video. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in maintaining her professional image.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily driven by the characters' internal struggles and external pressures.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external challenges that test their beliefs and values. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome of the conflicts.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderately high, particularly in terms of the characters' personal and professional reputations.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, relationships, and character dynamics.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected reactions and developments in the characters' relationships. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of identity, perception, and social acceptance. Karen's struggle to balance her personal and professional image is challenged by the opinions and reactions of her students and colleagues.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from humor to reflection to joy, making it emotionally impactful for the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and realistic, effectively conveying the emotions and conflicts of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of humor, drama, and character dynamics. The unexpected twists and turns keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a satisfying resolution. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the emotional impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and narrative progression. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution to the conflict between Karen and Bryston regarding the unedited videos posted online. It leaves the audience hanging without a satisfying conclusion.
  • The dialogue between Karen and Bryston feels forced and lacks depth. It could benefit from more emotional authenticity and character development.
  • The transition from Karen storming off to returning and insulting Bryston's name feels abrupt and disjointed. The scene could flow better with a smoother transition.
  • The students' reaction to watching Karen's videos in hysterics seems exaggerated and unrealistic. It could be more believable if their response was toned down.
  • The moment where Simone confronts Karen about the video and the subsequent reaction of the students applauding Karen feels rushed and lacks emotional impact.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a resolution to the conflict between Karen and Bryston, such as a heartfelt conversation or a mutual understanding.
  • Work on developing the dialogue between Karen and Bryston to make it more authentic and reflective of their characters' emotions and motivations.
  • Smooth out the transition between Karen storming off and returning to insult Bryston's name to create a more cohesive scene.
  • Tone down the students' reaction to watching Karen's videos to make it more realistic and relatable to the audience.
  • Enhance the emotional impact of Simone confronting Karen about the video by adding depth to their interaction and the students' response.



Scene 16 -  Building Connections on YouTube
INT. KAREN’S HOUSE - EVENING

Karen, Simone and Bryston are huddled over his laptop.

BRYSTON
Look at these comments.

Karen scans the screen.

KAREN (READING)
“I just love your style, Simone.
You have amazing taste”... “Simone,
you are going to be a star”...
“Anybody else think Simone is
hot?”. Well, they really seem to
like you, honey.

SIMONE (READING)
“Karen, is such an exquisite
Karen”... “Of all the derps, Karen
is the derpiest”. Wait, here’s a
really good one.

Karen looks skeptical.

SIMONE (READING) (CONT'D)
“Karen you are so real. I love how
you don’t try to be perfect. And it
seems like you really love your
daughter”.

Karen blushes a bit. This is the kind of validation she has
been waiting for.


INT. PENNY’S HOUSE - MORNING

Penny SCANS THE COMMENTS on her page.

BRUH345
I hate Penny. If you want to see
something real check out the Mom &
Me channel. Karen is my favorite.

Penny is caught off guard. She flags the comment.

PENNY
Go to Hell.

Still pissed, Penny enters Mom & Me into the YouTube search
bar. Up pops a close-up of KAREN”S FACE, contorted into a
beaming smile as she looks at Simone.
48.


PENNY (CONT'D)
Her?


INT. KAREN’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Close up of Karen in the middle of a SNEEZING FIT. One.
After. Another. Maybe a dozen in all.

Bryston looks at Simone.

BRYSTON
You good?

Karen pulls herself together.
KAREN
Yowza. I’m ok... I just put too
much pepper in my salad.

BRYSTON
OK, anyway. So, here...

Karen rattles off another half dozen sneezes, each more
violent than the last.


INT. PENNY’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Still staring at Karen, being awkward again.

PENNY
This bitch right here?


INT. KAREN’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

BRYSTON
OK, here is your homework
assignment.
KAREN
Homework? That’s funny.

Bryston stares at her.

KAREN (CONT'D)
Because I’m your teacher? You’re
giving me...

Bryston shoves the laptop in front of Karen.

KAREN (CONT'D)
Yes Sensei.
49.


BRYSTON
You need to start responding to
these people. Start building a
connection with your audience. We
want people to subscribe. We want
them to eat up everything you post.

Karen and Simone giggle as they start to reply.

KAREN (TYPING/NARRATING)
“Dear CatLadySadie49. It takes a
derp to know a derp. Love, Karen.”
Hey, this is kind of fun!

BRYSTON
You don’t always have to use full
sentences or grammar, you know?

SIMONE
We should try to get Penny and
Captain to do a collab. It’s my
dream to meet her. In person I
mean.

Karen types a few responses, then furrows her brow.

SIMONE (CONT'D)
Mom, what is it?

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Karen, assisted by Simone, finds encouragement and success on YouTube. Penny experiences jealousy, while Bryston advises Karen to engage with her audience. Despite a sneezy interruption, Karen and Simone bond over the task, considering a collaboration with Penny and Captain. Tom observes Karen's progress with approval.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Heartwarming moments
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Mild conflict resolution
  • Slight predictability in character interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, awkwardness, and heartwarming moments to engage the audience and move the story forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of starting a YouTube channel and navigating online interactions is fresh and engaging.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Karen and Simone receive feedback on their videos and start to engage with their audience.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on social media dynamics and online validation, exploring the complexities of building an online persona and engaging with an audience.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Karen, Simone, and Bryston are well-developed characters with distinct personalities and dynamics.

Character Changes: 7

Karen experiences a shift in her confidence and perception of herself through the positive feedback from viewers.

Internal Goal: 8

Karen's internal goal is to seek validation and acceptance through positive comments and feedback on her online presence. She desires recognition for her authenticity and love for her daughter.

External Goal: 7

Karen's external goal is to engage with her audience and build a connection to increase subscribers and engagement on her online platform.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a mild conflict between Penny and Karen, but the main focus is on the positive interactions and growth of the characters.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene adds tension and conflict, challenging the characters' goals and motivations, creating uncertainty and suspense for the audience.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character growth and relationship dynamics.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing the YouTube channel concept and setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in its character dynamics and online interactions, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the characters' next moves.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the characters' online personas and the authenticity of their interactions with their audience. It challenges their values of self-expression and connection in a digital world.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions from humor to empathy, especially in Karen's journey of self-discovery.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is witty and natural, reflecting the characters' personalities and the evolving dynamics between them.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its relatable characters, witty dialogue, and dynamic interactions, drawing the audience into the characters' online world and personal struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene enhances its effectiveness by balancing dialogue, action, and character development, maintaining a dynamic rhythm and flow.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character dialogue, and transitions between locations.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events, maintaining the expected format for a contemporary drama.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and purpose, jumping between Karen, Simone, Bryston, and Penny without a cohesive thread to tie them together.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, especially with the comments being read out loud by Simone and Karen's sneezing fit being overly exaggerated.
  • The transition between Penny's reaction to the comments and Karen's sneezing fit is abrupt and disjointed, making it difficult for the audience to follow the scene.
  • The humor in the scene falls flat and the attempts at comedy feel forced, particularly with the repetitive sneezing gag and the awkward interactions between Penny and Karen.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth or character development in the scene, making it feel superficial and disconnected from the overall story.
  • The scene could benefit from more meaningful interactions between the characters and a clearer sense of purpose to drive the narrative forward.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing a central theme or conflict that drives the scene and ties together the interactions between Karen, Simone, Bryston, and Penny.
  • Streamline the dialogue to make it more natural and engaging, avoiding overly exaggerated gags and forced humor.
  • Improve the transitions between different character perspectives to create a more cohesive and fluid narrative flow.
  • Add depth to the characters by exploring their motivations, emotions, and relationships in a more meaningful way.
  • Consider revising the scene to create a stronger emotional impact and connection with the audience, enhancing the overall storytelling.



Scene 17 -  A Mean Comment Fuels a Powerful Stand Against Bullying
INT. PENNY’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Penny opens another MOM & ME video. She scoffs.

PENNY
Thrift Store ‘Fit Challenge. Oh,
it’s worse than I thought. Only
10,000 views. Loser.
Clicking the play button, Penny watches. In typical Karen
fashion, there is lots of awkwardness and unpolished
presentation.

Penny hates what she sees, and types a terribly unflattering
comment under the username fatBatman.

PENNY (TYPING AND READING ALOUD) (CONT'D)
You wish you were like Penny. She
is everything you are not.

CUT TO:
50.


INT. KAREN’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

KAREN (READING ALOUD)
You wish you were like Penny. She
is everything you are not. Stop,
just stop, fat loser.

BRYSTON
Troll. Flag it.

Karen looks flustered.

BRYSTON (CONT'D)
Look, Mrs. S, it’s part of the
game. Some people are just haters.
Don’t take it personal. And hey,
maybe we start an anti-bullying
campaign.

Simone nods.

SIMONE
Great idea!

Karen is in a trance. Simone puts her hand on Karen’s arm.

SIMONE (CONT'D)
Mom... are you ok?

FLASHBACK TO KAREN’S HIGH SCHOOL VALEDICTORIAN SPEECH

Young Karen beams out at the crowd of parents and peers.

BULLY (O.S.)
Sit down, ugly loser!

END FLASHBACK

KAREN
You know what. I am. Bring it on.
CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Penny's cruel comment on Karen's video sparks outrage, but her family's support transforms her pain into a mission. Inspired by her past experiences, Karen resolves to combat bullying and empower others to stand up against hate.
Strengths
  • Resilience theme
  • Character development
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Slightly predictable resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines drama and comedy, showcasing the characters' resilience in the face of cyberbullying and the empowerment that comes from standing up to haters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of dealing with cyberbullying and turning it into a positive message of empowerment is well-executed and engaging.

Plot: 7

The plot advances the story by showing the characters facing challenges and growing stronger through adversity.

Originality: 9

The scene tackles the theme of cyberbullying in a fresh and engaging way, with authentic dialogue and character actions.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and show depth in their reactions to cyberbullying and their relationships with each other.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo growth and change, particularly in how they handle cyberbullying and support each other.

Internal Goal: 8

Penny's internal goal is to feel superior and validated by putting down others. This reflects her deeper need for validation and self-worth.

External Goal: 7

Penny's external goal is to assert dominance and control over others through cyberbullying.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between the characters and the cyberbullies adds tension and emotional depth to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene adds conflict and complexity, driving the characters' actions and decisions.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in terms of the characters' emotional well-being and relationships, especially in the face of cyberbullying.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and deepening the characters' relationships.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected emotional revelations and character reactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between the values of kindness and empathy versus cruelty and superiority. This challenges Penny's beliefs about power and validation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes empathy and admiration for the characters' strength in the face of adversity.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, especially in moments of conflict and resolution.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its relatable themes, dynamic character interactions, and emotional depth.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension and emotional impact, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, making it easy to follow and visualize.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure and pacing that enhances the tension and emotional impact of the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition between Penny's action of leaving a mean comment on Karen's video and Karen's immediate reaction to reading the comment. This abrupt shift can be confusing for the audience and disrupt the flow of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Bryston and Karen feels a bit forced and on-the-nose, especially when Bryston suggests starting an anti-bullying campaign immediately after Karen receives a mean comment. This could be more subtly integrated into the conversation to feel more natural.
  • The flashback to Karen's high school valedictorian speech is a bit cliché and on-the-nose in terms of showing her past experience with bullying. It could be more effective to show Karen's emotional reaction to the comment in the present moment rather than relying on a flashback.
  • The scene could benefit from more emotional depth and character development. Explore Karen's internal struggle and emotional response to the mean comment in a more nuanced way to make her character more relatable and engaging.
  • Consider adding more visual elements or actions to enhance the scene and create a more dynamic and engaging visual experience for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection for Karen after reading the mean comment to show her internal turmoil and emotional response before jumping into the conversation with Bryston and Simone.
  • Try to integrate the theme of anti-bullying more organically into the dialogue between the characters, perhaps by having Karen express her own thoughts and feelings on the matter rather than it being suggested to her by Bryston.
  • Instead of relying on a flashback, consider showing Karen's vulnerability and strength in the present moment as she deals with the mean comment, allowing the audience to connect with her character on a deeper level.
  • Explore ways to add layers to Karen's character by delving into her past experiences with bullying in a more subtle and nuanced manner, avoiding clichés and stereotypes.
  • Enhance the visual storytelling of the scene by incorporating gestures, facial expressions, and body language to convey the characters' emotions and reactions more effectively.



Scene 18 -  Penny's Awkward Encounter
INT. PENNY’S HOUSE - CONINUOUS

Penny shuts her laptop. Looking around all of her production
staff has gone.

PENNY
Ash? You still here?

Silence.
51.


PENNY (CONT'D)
Hey, Will? You want to grab a bite?

No reply.

Penny wanders through the huge, empty house. Finally, she
finds Captain in a huge gaming room.


INT. PENNY’S GAMING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Captain is in a leather GAMING CHAIR, swiveling around as he
unloads virtual hell on his opponent. He yells into his
GAMING HEADSET MICROPHONE.

CAPTAIN
Bro, you are actual garbage. You
are embarrassing yourself.

Penny talks, but the sounds of online warfare render her
words unheard. Penny walks up and removes Captain’s headset.

CAPTAIN (CONT'D)
What the hell are you doing? Idiot!

Penny is thrown. She tries to appeal to his basic needs.

PENNY
Hey Cappy? I was hoping we could
maybe go out. Grab some dinner
together... like old times.

Captain softens, his face showing some of his trademark
boyish excitement.

CAPTAIN
Really Mom?

PENNY
Of course sweetheart. Anything you
want!
Captain takes back his headset.

CAPTAIN
Cool. What I want is for you to
leave me TF alone.

With that Captain returns to his game. Without looking at
her, or removing his headset...

CAPTAIN (CONT'D)
Hey I ordered DoorDash. Watch for
the driver. Bye now!
52.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Penny searches for her production staff in her empty house and finds Captain in the gaming room, engrossed in a video game. Despite her attempts to engage him in conversation and invite him to dinner, Captain remains dismissive and uninterested, reminding Penny of his DoorDash order and asking her to leave him alone.
Strengths
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Effective dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Limited character growth
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, emotional depth, and conflict to create an engaging and relatable moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring family dynamics through the lens of modern technology and generational differences is well-executed and adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses by revealing the strained relationship between Penny and Captain, setting up potential conflicts and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar theme of family relationships, portraying a nuanced and realistic depiction of the challenges and dynamics within a mother-son relationship. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Penny and Captain are well-defined, with clear motivations and conflicts that drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 6

While there are hints of potential character growth for Penny and Captain, it is not fully realized in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Penny's internal goal in this scene is to reconnect with her son and recapture the closeness they once shared. This reflects her deeper desire for a meaningful relationship with her child and her fear of losing that connection.

External Goal: 7.5

Penny's external goal in this scene is to get Captain to leave his game and spend time with her. This reflects the immediate challenge of bridging the gap between them and overcoming his resistance to engage with her.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Penny and Captain is evident through their dialogue and actions, setting up potential resolutions and character growth.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, with Captain's resistance and defiance creating a compelling obstacle for Penny to overcome in her attempts to reconnect with him.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on interpersonal dynamics than major plot developments.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the understanding of Penny and Captain's relationship and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected shifts in the characters' emotions and actions, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of how the interaction will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between Penny's desire for emotional connection and Captain's need for independence and autonomy. This challenges Penny's beliefs about motherhood and her role in her son's life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from humor to sadness, as it delves into the complexities of family relationships.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and humor between Penny and Captain, adding depth to their relationship.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it effectively captures the emotional tension and conflict between the characters, drawing the audience into the intimate, relatable dynamics of the mother-son relationship.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of tension and urgency in the interaction between Penny and Captain, enhancing the emotional impact and engagement of the audience.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions that enhance the readability and flow of the script.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively establishing the setting, conflict, and character dynamics in a clear and engaging way.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, as it meanders without a strong central conflict or resolution.
  • The dialogue between Penny and Captain feels forced and lacks depth, making their interaction unconvincing.
  • The scene fails to engage the audience emotionally or provide meaningful character development for Penny and Captain.
  • The setting of Penny's house and gaming room is not utilized effectively to enhance the scene or create a sense of atmosphere.
  • There is a lack of tension or stakes in the scene, making it feel flat and uninteresting.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the central conflict or goal of the scene to give it a clear direction and purpose.
  • Develop the dialogue between Penny and Captain to make their interaction more authentic and engaging.
  • Add depth to the characters of Penny and Captain by exploring their motivations and emotions in the scene.
  • Utilize the setting of Penny's house and gaming room to create a more immersive and atmospheric environment.
  • Introduce higher stakes or tension in the scene to make it more compelling and impactful.



Scene 19 -  Celebration of Success
EXT. KAREN’S HOUSE - AFTERNOON

Karen is leaving the house and a notification hits her phone
with a loud ding. Her YouTube account is showing a payment:
$157.19. She smiles triumphantly.


INT. GROCERY STORE - CONTINUOUS

Karen cashes her check at the service counter. Walking out,
she passes a magazine cover with Penny and Captain on the
cover, titled “The Perfect Mom”. Karen allows herself a
smile.

Pulling out her phone, she dials.

KAREN
Hi honey. Let’s go out tonight.
We’re celebrating.


INT. HIGH SCHOOL MUSIC ROOM - MORNING

Bryston arrives to the music room and stops in the doorway.
Simone is playing the piano softly and singing sweetly.
Bryston is clearly smitten. His phone rumbles in his pocket.

KAREN (TEXT)
Running late. Be there in a few.

Thinking quickly, Bryston uses his camera phone to record
Simone. Bryston is breathing hard, betraying his usually
cool exterior.

As she finishes, she notices him.

SIMONE
Oh God. That’s embarrassing.

BRYSTON
Nothing embarrassing about that.
Wow.... Just wow.

Simone blushes. They share an unspoken, sweet second before
Karen tramples on the moment.

KAREN (OUT OF BREATH)
I... ran. Why did I run? I
don’t.... Who knows?

As Karen sits hyperventilating, Bryston produces his phone.
Bryston shows them both their number of subscribers, which
has climbed to 1,000,000.
53.


BRYSTON
Your channel hit a nerve. People
love how real and messy your life
is.

KAREN
Holy shirt! So unexpected. I
thought we were just having some
fun.

SIMONE
I’m gonna have a panic attack.

Bryston puts his hand on Simone’s shoulder.

BRYSTON
Right? When my channel started to
take off, I blew groceries.

Karen looks confused.

BRYSTON (CONT'D)
I unswallowed.

Karen looks like she has a headache.

BRYSTON (CONT'D)
I puked. Hard. Often. On and off
for a week. No cap.

SIMONE
For real?

BRYSTON
But it was a good puke. A cleansing
puke. I chucked out all my doubts.
All my insecurities. And when it
was over, all that was left was a
bad taste in my mouth. Like
burning, wet garbage. But also...
Karen and Simone lean in.

BRYSTON (CONT'D)
Confidence. But I wouldn’t have it
if I never would have put myself
out there. You feel it?

KAREN
Yes Sensei. I feel it.
54.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Karen receives payment for her YouTube channel and plans a celebration. Bryston records Simone singing in a music room and shows them their channel has reached 1,000,000 subscribers. He shares his journey of overcoming self-doubt, inspiring Karen and Simone.
Strengths
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Emotional depth
  • Humor
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Some dialogue may feel cliched

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, emotion, and character development to create an engaging and relatable moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Karen's YouTube success and the impact it has on her relationships is well-executed and adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Karen experiences unexpected success on YouTube and navigates the challenges that come with it.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on themes of fame, self-discovery, and authenticity, offering a nuanced portrayal of the characters' emotional struggles and growth. The dialogue feels authentic and relatable, capturing the complexities of human emotions.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Karen, Simone, and Bryston, are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic and engaging.

Character Changes: 7

Karen experiences a significant change as she embraces her YouTube success and learns to be more authentic and confident.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with their newfound success and the impact it has on their personal life. They are grappling with feelings of surprise, confusion, and self-doubt as they navigate the unexpected fame and attention.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to celebrate their achievement with their loved ones and acknowledge the support they have received. They want to share the moment of success and joy with their friends and family.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict in the scene is more internal and emotional, focusing on Karen's journey of self-discovery and acceptance.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the characters face internal and external challenges that test their beliefs, values, and relationships. The uncertainty and conflict add depth and tension to the narrative.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on personal growth and relationships than external conflicts.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by showing Karen's unexpected success and the impact it has on her relationships.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it subverts expectations and challenges the characters' beliefs and perceptions, leading to moments of vulnerability and self-discovery.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene revolves around the themes of self-discovery, vulnerability, and authenticity. The characters are confronted with the challenges of fame and public scrutiny, forcing them to confront their insecurities and fears.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions from triumph to embarrassment to inspiration, making it emotionally impactful.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is natural and helps to reveal the characters' personalities and emotions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it captures the characters' emotional struggles, growth, and interpersonal dynamics in a compelling and relatable way. The dialogue and interactions draw the audience into the characters' world and experiences.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension, emotion, and character development, creating a dynamic and engaging narrative flow. The rhythm of the scene enhances the impact of key moments and interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure with clear transitions between locations and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness in conveying the characters' emotional journey.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition between Karen receiving the notification of the payment and her cashing the check at the grocery store. It feels abrupt and disjointed.
  • The dialogue between Karen and her daughter, Simone, over the phone could be more engaging and meaningful. It feels a bit generic and could be enhanced to show more emotion and connection between the characters.
  • Bryston's reaction to Simone playing the piano and singing sweetly could be more nuanced and developed. His sudden infatuation feels rushed and could benefit from more build-up and depth.
  • The revelation of reaching 1,000,000 subscribers feels a bit anticlimactic. There could be more emotional impact and significance attached to this milestone.
  • The dialogue between Bryston and Karen about his experience with his own channel taking off feels forced and unnatural. It could be more authentic and relatable.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief scene showing Karen's internal reaction to receiving the payment notification before she heads to the grocery store. This can help bridge the gap and make the scene flow more smoothly.
  • Enhance the phone conversation between Karen and her daughter to make it more personal and reflective of their relationship. Add depth to their interaction to make it more engaging for the audience.
  • Develop Bryston's character and his reaction to Simone's performance to make it more believable and authentic. Show more of his internal thoughts and emotions to justify his sudden infatuation.
  • Build up the moment of reaching 1,000,000 subscribers to make it more impactful. Add elements of surprise, joy, or disbelief to convey the significance of this achievement.
  • Revise the dialogue between Bryston and Karen to make it more relatable and natural. Focus on creating a genuine conversation that resonates with the audience and adds depth to their characters.



Scene 20 -  Fun and Games with Karen and Simone
INT. KAREN’S HOUSE – VARIOUS

KAREN (V.O.)
Hey Guys! This is Karen.

SIMONE
And I’m Simone.


MONTAGE:

— KAREN AND SIMONE DOING UNBOXING VIDEOS

- KAREN GOOFING AROUND WITH HER STUDENTS

- KAREN AND SIMONE DOING REACTION VIDEOS

- BRYSTON AND SIMONE ALONE TOGETHER, TALKING

- KAREN AND SIMONE MAKE PRANKING VIDEOS

- KAREN AND SIMONE LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT

- BRYSTON AND SIMONE ALONE TOGETHER, KISSING. SIMONE GETS A
TEXT FROM PIPER. SHE IGNORES IT AND KISSES HIM AGAIN.

PIPER (TEXT)
Hey Simone. where you been?
hellloooo?

- BRYSTON CHECKING THE NUMBERS. SUBSCRIBERS GOING THROUGH THE
ROOF

- KAREN APPROACHING TOM AFTER SCHOOL

TOM
Well, well, well. Looks like Karen
got her groove back.

KAREN
That movie where Angela Bassett
dates a younger man? Hmmm. If only
I had a younger man. Are you a
younger man, Tom?

TOM
I think we’re roughly the same
age...

KAREN
Just play along.
55.


TOM
So, I’m Taye Diggs in this
scenario? I suppose that makes
sense. I mean, look at me.

He is not Taye Diggs.

KAREN
Keep talking, Tom.

TOM
Well, I’m not too young, but I am
very immature for my age. For
instance, is it customary for a man
of my vintage to have so many LEGOs
in his house? It is not.

KAREN
Ooooo. Say more sexy things.

TOM
Girl, I’m a middle aged man with a
beanbag chair. Can you get down
with that?

KAREN
I can get down with that daddy.

Tom crinkles his nose.

KAREN (CONT'D)
That was weird. It was. My mouth
felt wrong saying it.

TOM
Call me Tom. My students call me
Mr. Nuds. Or Deez Nuds. Or Nuds
Sack. Or Harry Nuds Jr. Or...

KAREN
Shh. Tom. Say less sexy things.
As Karen and Tom go their separate ways, a SKINNY SIXTH
GRADER, who has been listening to their conversation, stares
in to the distance, traumatized.

MONTAGE

- KAREN AND SIMONE RACE THROUGH A TITANIC-THEMED ESCAPE ROOM

SUPERIMPOSE: ESCAPE ROOM MARATHON

Karen lies down on a fancy chaise lounge, seductively.
56.


KAREN (CONT'D)
Paint me like one of your French
girls, Jack.

Simone wrinkles her nose.

-KAREN AND SIMONE UNLOAD A HUGE SEMI-TRILER TRUCK AT A
RECYCLING CENTER.


SUPERIMPOSE: ZERO WASTE CHALLENGE

SIMONE
We are out here promoting
sustainability and environmental
consciousness. Right Mom?
Karen rides into frame on a conveyor belt.

KAREN
You betcha, honey.

Simone smiles, then looks concerned.

SIMONE
Mom? You good?

Karen tries vainly, clumsily to exit the conveyor belt,
somersaulting awkwardly.

- KAREN AND SIMONE ROLL UP TO A HOSPITAL
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Karen and Simone bond through various activities like unboxing videos, reaction videos, and a Titanic-themed escape room. Karen flirts with a teacher named Tom, while Simone shares a romantic moment with a boy named Bryston. The scene is light-hearted and comedic, with no major conflicts. It ends with Karen and Simone arriving at a hospital, setting up the next sequence of events.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Heartwarming moments
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Some scenes may feel slightly disconnected from the main plot

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, heartwarming moments, and reflective elements to engage the audience and move the story forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Karen and Simone starting a YouTube channel and navigating the challenges and successes that come with it is engaging and relatable.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around Karen and Simone's YouTube journey, their interactions with Bryston, and the challenges they face, providing a mix of humor and emotional depth.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh and humorous situations, such as the escape room marathon and the zero waste challenge, that add a unique twist to the familiar themes of social media and relationships. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, contributing to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Karen, Simone, and Bryston are well-developed characters with distinct personalities and dynamics that drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

Karen and Simone undergo subtle changes in their perspectives, relationships, and self-perception throughout the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Karen's internal goal in this scene is to feel young and desirable, as evidenced by her flirtatious interactions with Tom. This reflects her deeper desire for validation and excitement in her life.

External Goal: 7

Karen's external goal is to maintain and grow her online presence, as shown by the success of her videos and increasing subscribers. This reflects the immediate challenge of staying relevant and engaging with her audience.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict mainly revolves around Karen's past traumas, her struggles with YouTube content, and the dynamics between the characters.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with some challenges and conflicts that add tension and drama to the story. The audience is left wondering how the characters will overcome their obstacles.

High Stakes: 5

While the stakes are not extremely high, the characters' personal growth, relationships, and YouTube success add depth to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by showcasing the characters' YouTube journey, their interactions, and the challenges they face.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' interactions and the unique challenges they face. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situations will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of age and maturity, as Karen and Tom playfully discuss their differences in age and behavior. This challenges Karen's beliefs about what it means to be 'young at heart' and how age impacts relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from humor to empathy, as the characters navigate their challenges and growth.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and authentic, capturing the essence of each character and their relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mix of humor, relatable situations, and dynamic character interactions. The comedic moments and playful banter keep the audience entertained and invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of fast-paced montages and slower, dialogue-driven moments. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and maintains a sense of momentum.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a montage format, transitioning smoothly between different moments and interactions. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the characters' personalities and relationships.


Critique
  • The montage in this scene feels disjointed and lacks a cohesive theme or narrative thread to tie the different activities together.
  • The dialogue between Karen and Tom comes across as forced and unnatural, with attempts at humor that fall flat.
  • The interaction between Karen and Tom veers into inappropriate territory with the use of suggestive language and innuendos, which may not be suitable for the tone of the scene.
  • The introduction of the Skinny Sixth Grader eavesdropping on Karen and Tom's conversation feels random and out of place, adding unnecessary confusion to the scene.
  • The transition from Karen and Tom's conversation to the Titanic-themed escape room and zero waste challenge at the recycling center is abrupt and lacks smooth continuity.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the montage to have a clearer narrative arc or theme that connects the different activities Karen and Simone engage in.
  • Revise the dialogue between Karen and Tom to make it more natural and engaging, focusing on genuine interactions rather than forced humor.
  • Avoid using inappropriate or suggestive language in the dialogue between Karen and Tom to maintain a more appropriate tone for the scene.
  • Reevaluate the inclusion of the Skinny Sixth Grader character and consider if their presence adds value or detracts from the overall scene.
  • Work on creating smoother transitions between different activities in the montage to improve the flow and coherence of the scene.



Scene 21 -  Acts of Kindness
EXT. URBAN HOSPITAL - DAY


INT. NURSES STATION - CONTINUOUS

SUPERIMPOSE: RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS ROADTRIP

Simone races in, with her arms loaded with BOUQUETS OF
FLOWERS.

SIMONE
We appreciate you!!!!!

The nurses laugh and hug simone. One sheds a tear.


EXT. APPLEBEES RESTAURANT - DAY

Karen and Simone race up to two servers, standing on the side
of the building smoking. She starts to hand them GIFT CARDS,
as Simone records the transaction on her phone.
57.


KAREN
Here you go.....

She squints to read the name tags.

KAREN (CONT'D)
Ummm, Zanthony....

Zanthony reluctantly takes the card.

KAREN (CONT'D)
And... Phelony. With a “Ph”.

Phelony reads the gift card.

PHELONY
What’s this? Like a joke?

ZANTHONY
Yeah, why are you recording us?

KAREN
Oh, right. We are doing a little
YouTube thing. Random Acts of...

ZANTHONY
It’s a prank. Are you trying to
prank us?

PHELONY
Why would I want a gift card for
Applebees? I work at Applebees. I
could get the employee discount. If
the food didn’t make me sick.

ZANTHONY
I can smell Applebee's in my sleep.
I never eat here.

They hand the gift cards back to Karen.
KAREN
Well... I’m sorry. But it’s a
challenge. So...

Karen hands the cards back.

ZANTHONY
Oh. Well that’s different.

Zanthony flings the gift cards back at Karen.
58.


Karen, bends to pick them up and starts to walk away. As the
employees resume their conversation, Karen PIVOTS, RACES BACK
AND THROWS THE GIFT CARDS AT THEM, OVERHAND, AND SPRINTS
AWAY.

KAREN
You’re welcome! I’m sorry!!!

- KAREN GETTING MORE BANK DEPOSITS FROM YOUTUBE, HER EYES
WIDE

- KAREN AND SIMONE GOING SHOPPING AT A HOME GOODS STORE,
RINGING UP A HUGE ORDER
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Simone and Karen embarked on a heartwarming mission, spreading cheer through random acts of kindness. They gifted flowers to nurses at a hospital, expressing their gratitude for their tireless efforts. At an Applebee's restaurant, they offered gift cards to servers, initially met with hesitation. However, Karen's explanation that it was part of a challenge turned their smiles upside down. Their journey culminated in a shopping spree at Home Goods, where they likely continued their quest to brighten the world.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Heartwarming moments
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Some awkward interactions
  • Lack of major conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends humor, heartwarming moments, and awkward interactions to create an engaging and entertaining sequence.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of spreading random acts of kindness through gift cards and flowers is unique and engaging, adding depth to the characters and showcasing their growth.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene focuses on Karen and Simone's efforts to spread kindness, leading to humorous and heartwarming interactions with others. It moves the story forward by highlighting the characters' development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the concept of random acts of kindness by incorporating humor and skepticism from the restaurant employees. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Karen and Simone's characters shine in this scene, showcasing their compassion, humor, and willingness to step out of their comfort zones. Their interactions with others reveal their growth and depth.

Character Changes: 6

Karen and Simone undergo subtle changes in the scene, as they step out of their comfort zones and engage in acts of kindness, showcasing their growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to spread kindness and positivity through random acts of kindness. This reflects her deeper desire to make a difference in people's lives and bring joy to others.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to complete the random acts of kindness challenge for her YouTube channel. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

While there is some conflict in the scene, particularly in the awkward interactions with the restaurant employees, the overall tone is light-hearted and focused on spreading kindness.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the restaurant employees' skepticism and cynicism creating a challenging obstacle for the protagonist to overcome.

High Stakes: 3

While the stakes are relatively low in this scene, the focus on spreading kindness and making a positive impact adds depth and significance to the characters' actions.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting Karen and Simone's journey towards spreading kindness and making a difference in the lives of others. It adds depth to the characters and advances the plot.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected reactions of the restaurant employees to the protagonist's random acts of kindness, adding a layer of tension and surprise.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's genuine desire to spread kindness and the skepticism and cynicism of the restaurant employees. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the power of kindness and positivity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from humor to heartwarming moments, creating a connection with the audience and showcasing the characters' growth and compassion.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is humorous and authentic, capturing the awkward yet endearing interactions between the characters. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the character dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and emotional moments that keep the reader invested in the characters and their journey.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast pace that keeps the reader engaged and invested in the characters' actions and dialogue.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper spacing, dialogue formatting, and action lines.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear scene headings and action lines that guide the reader through the setting and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction, as it jumps abruptly from a hospital setting to an Applebees restaurant without a smooth transition or connection between the two locations.
  • The dialogue between Karen, Simone, and the servers at Applebees feels forced and unrealistic, with the servers' reactions to the gift cards coming across as exaggerated and unnatural.
  • The humor in the scene falls flat, as the attempted prank with the gift cards and the servers' responses do not land effectively, resulting in awkward and unconvincing interactions.
  • The actions of Karen throwing the gift cards at the servers and sprinting away seem out of character and do not align with the tone of the rest of the script, creating a jarring and confusing moment.
  • The visual elements described in the scene, such as Karen's wide eyes at the bank deposits and the shopping at a Home Goods store, do not contribute significantly to the overall narrative or character development.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the scene to have a clearer purpose and flow, with a more seamless transition between locations and interactions.
  • Focus on creating more authentic and relatable dialogue for the characters, ensuring that their reactions and responses feel genuine and grounded in reality.
  • Work on refining the humor in the scene to make it more engaging and effective, avoiding exaggerated or forced comedic moments.
  • Revisit Karen's actions and reactions in the scene to ensure they align with her character traits and the tone of the overall script, maintaining consistency and believability.
  • Reevaluate the visual elements in the scene to ensure they serve a meaningful purpose in advancing the story or developing the characters, enhancing the overall impact of the scene.



Scene 22 -  Unexpected Visit
INT. KAREN’S HOUSE - SATURDAY MORNING

Karen is reviewing comments on the YouTube channel
compulsively, as Simone emerges from her room toting a small
suitcase.

The doorbell rings, and Karen answers. It’s REESE, Simone’s
dad and Karen’s ex. He is FORTY GOING ON TWENTY, in his own
mind. He is squeezed into non-compliant skinny jeans and
wears a football jersey and ballcap. It’s a ridiculous sight
to all but Reese.

He is accompanied by BREE, an actual twenty-something. She is
all attitude and bad choices.

REESE
What’s up Kare-bear? Where’s my
baby girl?

KAREN
Reese... What are you wearing?

BREE (INTERJECTING)
Me mostly.

Bree grabs Karen’s hand and shakes it aggressively.

BREE (CONT'D)
I’m Bree.

KAREN
I’m nauseous... I’m Karen.

BREE
Karen, I’ve heard a lot about you.
Mostly weird stuff. But good to
meet you.

Karen snarls but restrains herself.
59.


KAREN
You’re older than I was expecting,
actually.

BREE
Awesome! You too!

Reese pulls Karen aside.

REESE
Hey Karen, the place looks great!
You get a big tax return or
something?

KAREN
Something like that.

REESE
So listen. On that note... Do you
think you could front me some bank?
I’m a tad light and I want to take
my little girl out.

KAREN
I’m not endorsing, much less
subsidizing this creepy May-
December thing you got going here.

BREE
Actually, we started seeing each
other in June. When classes ended
for summer vacay.

Karen glares.

KAREN
Classic story. Creepy older guy,
illicit game of spin the bottle.
Sparks flew...

REESE
For your information, I was talking
about celebrating with my daughter.
Our daughter.

KAREN
I thought you were doing better.
Working steady.

REESE (WHISPERING)
You know I’m disabled!
60.


KAREN
We have been over this. Erectile
dysfunction is not a disability!

Reese pulls her aside.

REESE
It compromises my quality of life.
And do you know how much my pills
cost? $700 a month.

KAREN
Nobody needs that many!!!

REESE
Look, she can’t keep her hands off
me. And I’m not a kid anymore.
Plus, I’ve been working a side gig
at the bank.

KAREN (SURPRISED)
A bank hired you? After the fraud
thing?

REESE
It’s a... special kind of bank...
That handles certain kinds... of
transactions...

Karen recoils.

KAREN
Ah God! Is it sperm?

RESSE
Indeed. And, really it’s my main
gig. As a, you know, professional
donor.

KAREN
That’s not a job, man. It’s how
lowlifes get a sandwich together.

REESE
You can’t just extract the good
stuff. I have to be, you know...
turgid. That’s a lot of erections.
So many!!

Karen flinches, and gestures to Simone and Bree.

KAREN
Hey. Not in front of the children.
Inappropriate.
61.


REESE
C’mon Kare-Bare. One last time?

KAREN
Look Reese. Your life is your
thing. You do you. It’s what you’re
good at. But this is the last time.
I can’t keep supporting you. You’re
a grown ass man. Sort of.

REESE
One hundred percent. How much can
you spare?

From across the room, Simone watches the sorry transaction.

BREE (TO SIMONE)
We’re going to have so much fun,
girlfriend!

Simone walks up hugs her mom.

KAREN
Have a good playdate honey.

Simone laughs.

SIMONE
What are you going to do this
weekend?

KAREN
I’ll find something to keep me out
of trouble.

Karen closes the door and watches them leave. As they pull
away, another car pulls up.

It’s Tom. He has a number of bags under his arms, and a
bouquet of flowers. Karen smiles a huge, cleansing smile.

Tom drops a bag, then another. He picks up the bag, then
drops the flowers. He looks up and sees Karen watching him
from the window. He also smiles.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Karen is confronted by her ex-husband Reese and his much younger girlfriend Bree, who ask for money. Reese reveals he is a professional sperm donor. Karen sets boundaries with Reese and watches Simone leave for a playdate. Tom arrives with flowers for Karen.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Humorous interactions
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development
  • Low emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, awkwardness, and confrontation to create an engaging and entertaining dynamic between the characters. The dialogue is sharp and witty, adding depth to the interactions.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a dysfunctional family dynamic with a comedic twist is well-executed in this scene. The introduction of Reese and Bree adds a new layer of conflict and humor to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Karen deals with the unexpected visit from her ex-husband and his young girlfriend, leading to confrontations and awkward moments. The scene adds complexity to the relationships within the family.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh and unexpected elements, such as Reese's unconventional job as a sperm donor and Karen's blunt responses to his manipulative behavior. The dialogue feels authentic and reveals the characters' flaws and vulnerabilities.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Karen, Reese, and Bree, are well-developed and their personalities shine through in their interactions. Each character has a distinct voice and adds depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 5

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions between the characters reveal more about their personalities and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

Karen's internal goal in this scene is to assert her boundaries and stand up for herself against Reese's manipulative behavior. This reflects her need for independence and self-respect.

External Goal: 7

Karen's external goal is to navigate the awkward situation with Reese and Bree while maintaining her composure and dignity. She also wants to protect her daughter, Simone, from the negative influence of her father.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Karen, Reese, and Bree creates tension and humor in the scene. The confrontations and awkward moments heighten the conflict and drive the interactions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Karen facing off against Reese's manipulative behavior and Bree's confrontational attitude. The audience is left wondering how Karen will navigate these challenges.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on humor and confrontation within the family dynamic. The interactions between the characters add depth to the story without high stakes.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and dynamics within the family. The interactions between Karen, Reese, and Bree add complexity to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelations about the characters' pasts and motivations. The audience is kept on their toes by the surprising turns of events.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of responsibility, maturity, and self-respect. Karen's refusal to enable Reese's irresponsible behavior highlights her values of accountability and independence.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a range of emotions, including humor, awkwardness, and confrontation. The interactions between the characters evoke both laughter and discomfort.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and confrontational, adding humor and depth to the scene. The banter between the characters drives the conflict and reveals their personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic character interactions, witty dialogue, and unexpected plot twists. The audience is drawn into the conflict and humor of the scene.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension with comedic relief. The rhythm of the dialogue keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is formatted in a way that enhances the flow of the conversation.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and conflicts. The pacing and rhythm of the dialogue contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene introduces Reese and Bree in a way that feels forced and overly comedic, detracting from the overall tone of the script.
  • The dialogue between Karen, Reese, and Bree comes off as unrealistic and exaggerated, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
  • The interaction between Karen and Reese focuses too much on their past relationship and financial issues, taking away from the main storyline of Karen's YouTube success.
  • The scene lacks subtlety and nuance, relying heavily on cliched character dynamics and humor that feels out of place.
  • The transition from Simone leaving for a playdate to Tom arriving with flowers feels abrupt and disjointed, disrupting the flow of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider toning down the exaggerated characteristics of Reese and Bree to make their introduction more believable and in line with the overall tone of the script.
  • Focus on developing more natural and authentic dialogue between the characters to enhance the audience's connection to the story.
  • Streamline the conversation between Karen and Reese to keep the focus on Karen's YouTube success and her evolving relationship with Tom.
  • Add more depth to the interactions between the characters to create a more nuanced and engaging scene.
  • Work on smoother transitions between different character interactions to maintain the coherence and flow of the scene.



Scene 23 -  A Clash of Approaches
EXT. PENNY'S HOUSE - DAY

The palatial home is ULTRA MODERN, with glass doors, white
walls and loads of stainless steel. The living area segues
into a set of offices, buzzing with Penny’s production team.
62.


INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Penny reviews a PowerPoint presentation with her team of
Millenial content experts.

PENNY
We just lost 400,000 subs. I didn’t
say anything racist. I didn’t
insult the pope. What the hell
happened? Ash?

ASH is a fast-talking kid with neck tats and wild, green
hair.

ASH
Well, we’ve done some research. Dug
into the comments. The numbers. The
trends.

PENNY
And?

ASH
As near as I can tell, a ton of
people are watching MOM AND ME.

PENNY
The fat slob?

ASH
People like her. She’s real. The
whole ‘perfect mom’ thing is not
relatable.

PENNY
But the whole ‘hot mess’ thing is
relatable?

Ash nods.

PENNY (CONT'D)
I give women something to aspire
to!

ASH
You make a lot of them feel like
failures.

PENNY
If they don’t want to feel like
failures, they should stop failing.

Ash throws up a MOM AND ME video on the screen. He pauses it
on Karen’s face, in another unflattering in-between moment.
63.


ASH
Meanwhile, she is telling them they
are amazing just the way they are.
Their mistakes are beautiful. Their
imperfections are perfect.

PENNY
What kind of softheaded, new age
garbage is that?

Ash pulls up an article on the screen, featuring Karen and
Simone, entitled NEW MOM IN TOWN.

Penny bristles.

ASH
It’s the next big thing.

PENNY
We have built something special.
Something that affects people.
Something that supports my family,
as well as all of you college
dropouts.

Penny gestures to Karen’s face.

PENNY (CONT'D)
We have survived a lot of ‘next big
things’. Are we going to let this
next, big, ugly thing take that
away from us?

Penny’s staff all look around at each other.

PENNY (CONT'D)
We are not.
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Penny and her team evaluate the declining performance of their show against the growing popularity of a rival show. Ash advocates for changes to appeal to a wider audience, while Penny resists, insisting that her show is empowering. The conflict reflects a generational divide in perspectives on relatable content and female representation.
Strengths
  • Engaging conflict
  • Authentic character dynamics
  • Humorous dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may come off as cliched or predictable

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends humor, drama, and conflict to create an engaging narrative that keeps the audience invested in the characters and their journey.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of pitting a polished, successful content creator against a raw, authentic mom and daughter duo is fresh and intriguing. It adds depth to the story and allows for exploration of themes like authenticity and success.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a clear conflict arising between Penny and Karen/Simone. The progression of events keeps the audience engaged and sets up future developments.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of authenticity versus perfectionism in the entertainment industry. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and provide a unique perspective on the challenges of creating content in a competitive market.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their interactions drive the story forward. Each character has distinct traits and motivations that add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Karen undergoes a significant change in the scene, from feeling embarrassed and bullied to embracing her authenticity and finding success. This transformation drives the emotional arc of the story.

Internal Goal: 8

Penny's internal goal in this scene is to understand why she lost subscribers and to defend her approach to content creation. This reflects her deeper need for validation, success, and recognition in her industry.

External Goal: 7.5

Penny's external goal in this scene is to maintain the success and reputation of her production company despite the challenges posed by the popularity of a competitor's show. This reflects the immediate circumstances and competitive challenges she is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Penny and Karen/Simone is well-established and drives the tension in the scene. It sets up future confrontations and resolutions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and power struggles between Penny and her team. The audience is left unsure of how the conflict will be resolved, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Karen and Penny, as their clash represents a battle between traditional and new media, success and authenticity. The outcome will have significant consequences for both characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting up future plot developments. It keeps the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' motivations and the shifting power dynamics between Penny and her team. The audience is kept on their toes as they try to anticipate the outcome of the conflict.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between Penny's belief in aspirational content and Karen's belief in embracing imperfections. This challenges Penny's values of success and perfectionism, as she is confronted with the idea that vulnerability and authenticity may be more relatable to audiences.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions from the audience, including humor, empathy, and tension. The characters' struggles and triumphs resonate with viewers.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is witty and engaging, capturing the personalities of the characters and advancing the plot. It effectively conveys the conflict and emotions of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, conflicting viewpoints, and sharp dialogue exchanges between the characters. The tension and drama keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The rapid-fire dialogue and escalating conflict contribute to the scene's intensity.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy scene in a screenplay. The use of scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting is clear and concise.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-driven, character-driven scene in a screenplay. The pacing and rhythm of the dialogue contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene opens with a strong visual description of Penny's ultra-modern home, which sets the tone for the rest of the scene. However, the transition to the conference room feels a bit abrupt and could benefit from a smoother segue.
  • The dialogue between Penny and Ash effectively conveys the conflict and tension within Penny's team. The discussion about losing subscribers and the reasons behind it is engaging and drives the plot forward.
  • The dynamic between Penny and Ash is well-established through their dialogue and interactions. Ash's character is distinct and adds depth to the scene.
  • The conflict between Penny's belief in inspiring women and Ash's perspective on relatability and authenticity is a strong point of contention that adds layers to the scene.
  • The introduction of Karen and the MOM AND ME video as a threat to Penny's success is a compelling plot development that raises the stakes for the characters.
  • The scene effectively sets up the internal conflict within Penny's team and foreshadows potential challenges for Penny's brand and success.
  • Overall, the scene effectively conveys the conflict, character dynamics, and plot progression, setting the stage for future developments.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the transition between the exterior of Penny's house and the conference room to create a smoother flow between locations.
  • Explore opportunities to further develop the visual elements in the conference room to enhance the setting and immerse the audience in the environment.
  • Continue to build on the conflict between Penny and Ash, as well as the internal tensions within Penny's team, to create a more dynamic and engaging scene.
  • Consider adding more visual cues or actions to complement the dialogue and enhance the overall impact of the scene.
  • Ensure that the dialogue remains sharp and impactful, driving the plot forward and revealing key character motivations and conflicts.
  • Explore ways to further highlight the contrast between Penny's perspective on success and Ash's perspective on relatability to deepen the thematic elements of the scene.



Scene 24 -  Drunk Confrontation and a Surprising Revelation
EXT. REESE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Reese’s place is messy, small and covered in posters taped to
the wall. Simone is asleep on the couch, as Reese enters
loudly, propping up a visibly drunk Bree and helping her into
the bedroom.

He emerges a few seconds later. Simone props herself up.

SIMONE
What happened to ‘daddy issues’?
She ok?
64.


RESSE
Oh yeah. As long as she doesn’t
roll over on her back, she won’t
choke to death. On her own, you
know... vomit.

SIMONE
Yikes.

REESE
Wooo. Tonight was... Off. The.
Chain. How are you doing, princess?

SIMONE
Dad, we’ve got to talk.

REESE
What’s up, buttercup?

SIMONE
W. T... the actual F are you doing
with your life?

REESE
What do you mean?

SIMONE
You know what I mean. It’s not good
for a daughter to see her dad
living like this.

REESE
Look, babycakes. I’m just trying to
get my stuff together. You know,
the divorce just devastated me.

SIMONE
You left mom! Ten years ago!

REESE
And it killed me to do it. Besides,
it seems like she is doing well for
herself.

SIMONE
She actually is. Like, you have no
idea.

Simone raises her eyebrows. Reese isn’t exceptionally
perceptive, but he catches this one.

REESE
Well ok. But c’mon. She’s just a
teacher.
65.


SIMONE
There’s so much more to her than
that. You’ll see. You’ll wish you
had never left her.

REESE
Oh really? What has she got going
on? She seeing somebody?

SIMONE
Maybe.

REESE
Big deal. That all you got?

Simone is conflicted. Reese smiles at her softly,
manipulatively.

SIMONE
We started something together.
Something big.

Reese’s wheels are spinning.

LATER

Reese gingerly tucks Simone into bed.

Tiptoeing through the house, he sits and pulls out his phone.
Searching YouTube, he stumbles upon MOM AND ME videos.

KAREN (O.S.)
Hey guys it’s me, Karen!

SIMONE (O.S.)
And me, Simone! And this is Mom and
Me. We have been overwhelmed by the
response to our channel, and in
this video, we will be celebrating
our 10 millionth subscriber.

Reese pauses the video, blown away.

FLASHBACK TO REESE’S CONVERSATION WITH SIMONE

REESE
So, lots of people watch the
videos. So what?

SIMONE
So what? Don’t you get it? The
channel runs ads. The ads generate
revenue. She is getting big money
from this. Soon...
66.


REESE
Soon what?

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Family","Comedy"]

Summary Reese and Bree arrive home intoxicated and encounter a concerned Simone. Simone expresses disapproval of Reese's behavior, leading to a heated exchange. However, the conversation takes a surprising turn when Simone reveals her mother's success on YouTube, leaving Reese stunned and intrigued.
Strengths
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Emotional depth
  • Intriguing conflict
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces a new conflict and adds depth to the characters, setting the stage for potential character development and plot progression.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring the consequences of past decisions and the dynamics of family relationships is engaging and adds depth to the overall story.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens with the revelation of Reese's discovery of Karen's successful YouTube channel, setting up potential conflicts and character growth.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements such as YouTube videos and financial struggles, adding a modern twist to the familiar themes of family dynamics and personal growth. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Reese and Simone are further developed, showcasing their complex emotions and relationships, adding layers to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

The scene hints at potential character changes, especially for Reese, as he grapples with new information and emotions.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to justify his current lifestyle and choices to his daughter, while also seeking validation and understanding from her. This reflects his deeper need for acceptance and approval.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to understand his ex-wife's success and potentially capitalize on it. This reflects his immediate circumstances of financial instability and desire for success.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Reese and Simone, as well as the potential conflict arising from Reese's discovery, adds tension and intrigue to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and emotional stakes driving the character interactions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as Reese discovers Karen's success, potentially leading to significant changes in the characters' lives and relationships.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, deepening character relationships, and setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelations about the ex-wife's success and the protagonist's reaction to it. The shifting dynamics between the characters add a layer of uncertainty.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's perception of success and his daughter's perspective on what truly matters in life. It challenges his beliefs about wealth and status.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes conflicting emotions in the characters and the audience, setting the stage for potential emotional growth and resolution.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the conflicted emotions of the characters and sets the stage for future developments.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic character interactions, emotional depth, and intriguing plot developments. The conflict and tension keep the audience invested in the characters' journey.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue-driven moments and visual storytelling. The rhythm builds tension and suspense, leading to a satisfying resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the atmosphere and tone of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character introductions, conflict development, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, with the dialogue feeling disjointed and lacking depth.
  • The interactions between Reese and Simone could be more emotionally charged and impactful, but they come across as superficial and lacking in authenticity.
  • The transition from Reese helping Bree into the bedroom to the conversation with Simone feels abrupt and could be smoother.
  • There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into the emotional complexities of the relationship between Reese and Simone, as well as Reese's reaction to Karen's success.
  • The scene could benefit from more nuanced character development and dialogue to make the interactions more engaging and meaningful.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more depth to the conversation between Reese and Simone to explore their relationship dynamics and emotional conflicts.
  • Work on creating a smoother transition between different moments in the scene to improve the flow and coherence.
  • Focus on developing Reese's character further to make his reaction to Karen's success more impactful and believable.
  • Enhance the dialogue to make it more authentic and emotionally resonant, adding layers to the interactions between the characters.
  • Consider adding subtext and underlying tensions to the scene to create a more compelling and engaging dynamic between Reese and Simone.



Scene 25 -  Karen's Resignation
INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE - MORNING

SIMONE (V.O.)
She’s going full time.

Karen struts confidently into the principal’s office and
hands him a letter.

KAREN
Good morning, Doug. I am tendering
my resignation.

Doug doesn’t look up from his computer.

DOUG
Sure.

Karen waits for more. Doesn’t get it.

KAREN
I am not satisfied with my role
here. Today is my last day.

DOUG
Understood.

Long beat.

KAREN
I... I just feel that my
contributions aren’t appreciated.

DOUG
Makes sense.

Long silence.

KAREN
Are they appreciated? Doug?

DOUG
I mean... probably someone does.

KAREN
Don’t you want to do an exit
interview? Maybe get some feedback
about how you can run things better
around here?
67.


DOUG
I’m good. We done?

Karen gets up to walk out. Catching herself at the door, she
spins and adopts a power stance.

KAREN
Not ‘we done’. I done! You’re still
here, doing a half-ass job.
Counting the days to retirement.
Wiping your ass with taxpayer
dollars. But not me. I done, Doug.
I done!

Doug sits wide-eyed.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Karen resigns from her job, expressing her frustration and lack of appreciation for her contributions. Doug dismisses her concerns, leading Karen to give a passionate speech before leaving.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Tension-filled confrontation
Weaknesses
  • Lack of resolution in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, filled with tension, and showcases Karen's strong personality. The dialogue is sharp and impactful, driving the narrative forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Karen resigning from her job due to feeling unappreciated is relatable and adds depth to her character.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Karen makes a significant decision to leave her job, setting up potential new conflicts and developments.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to the common theme of workplace conflicts, with a focus on the dynamics of authority and respect. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Karen's character is well-developed, showing her assertiveness and frustration. Doug's character adds to the conflict with his dismissive attitude.

Character Changes: 8

Karen undergoes a significant change by deciding to resign and stand up for herself.

Internal Goal: 8

Karen's internal goal is to assert her worth and demand recognition for her contributions. This reflects her deeper need for validation and respect in her professional role.

External Goal: 7

Karen's external goal is to resign from her position and leave the school. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in feeling unappreciated and undervalued in her job.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict between Karen and Doug, adding tension and drama to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Karen challenging Doug's authority and demanding recognition for her contributions.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as Karen risks her job and confronts her boss.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major development in Karen's life.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected power shift between Karen and Doug, leaving the audience unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Karen's belief in the importance of feedback and improvement, and Doug's complacency and lack of interest in self-improvement. This challenges Karen's values of growth and accountability.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of frustration and empowerment as Karen takes a bold step.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and reveals the characters' personalities and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense confrontation between Karen and Doug, keeping the audience invested in the power struggle.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually through the dialogue and pauses, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy scene in a screenplay, with proper use of character names and dialogue tags.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a confrontational dialogue scene in a screenplay, with clear character motivations and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene lacks depth and emotional impact, as the interaction between Karen and Doug feels superficial and lacks tension.
  • The dialogue is somewhat repetitive and doesn't add much to the scene, making it feel stagnant.
  • There is a missed opportunity to explore Karen's emotional journey and the reasons behind her resignation in a more compelling way.
  • The power stance moment at the end feels forced and cliched, lacking authenticity and genuine emotion.
  • The scene could benefit from more dynamic interactions and a clearer sense of conflict to engage the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtext and layers to the dialogue to create a more nuanced and engaging interaction between Karen and Doug.
  • Explore Karen's internal struggles and motivations for resigning in more depth to add emotional depth to the scene.
  • Introduce more conflict or obstacles for Karen to overcome in her resignation, making the scene more dynamic and compelling.
  • Focus on creating a more authentic and impactful moment of empowerment for Karen, rather than relying on cliched power stance gestures.
  • Consider revising the scene to build towards a more satisfying and resonant conclusion that leaves a stronger impression on the audience.



Scene 26 -  Karen's Explosive Exit
INT. KAREN’S CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS

Karen packs up her desk into a cardboard box.


INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Karen carries her box down the hallway. Head held high.
Students watch her. Teachers watch her. Simone and Bryston
watch her.

She walks right up to Tom. He nods. She grabs him and kisses
him. Aggressively. Awkwardly. Sort of obscenely.

‘Mean girl’ teachers make rude faces at the display. Karen
walks up to the leader, and smacks the iced coffee out of her
hand. The kids go crazy as Karen walks out the front doors,
middle finger raised over her shoulder in triumph.

Simone raises her eyebrows. Bryston looks impressed.

TOM
That was. So. Hot.


INT. REESE’S APARTMENT - DAY

Karen is picking up Simone, helping to carry all of her
effects. Reese sidles up.

REESE
What’s up Kare-bear? How’s work
going?

KAREN (NERVOUS)
Work is good. You know, education.
It’s a... a labor of love, for me.
(MORE)
68.

KAREN (NERVOUS) (CONT'D)
Personally. I... believe... the
children are our future.

REESE
Sure, sure. Broadening those minds,
right? It takes a village and so
forth.

KAREN
See you around Reese.

Karen approaches Bree and pulls her aside.

KAREN (WHISPERING) (CONT'D)
Run. You hear me? Run. Run like the
wind and never look back.
BREE
Huh?

KAREN
Pack light. Disappear in the middle
of the night. He is lazy, so you
don’t have to worry about him
coming to look for you.

Karen and Simone leave, bags in tow.

BREE
She’s nice.

REESE
No. Don’t. Do not sympathize with
her. She is a manipulator.

BREE
What do you mean?

REESE
She’s been holding out on me.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Karen dramatically quits her teaching job, kisses Tom, and confronts the mean girl teachers, highlighting her defiance and personal struggles.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Emotionally charged moments
  • Empowering theme
Weaknesses
  • Some elements of the scene may come across as exaggerated or unrealistic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is impactful, showcasing a significant moment of character development for Karen. It is well-written, engaging, and emotionally charged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Karen leaving her job in a bold manner is executed effectively, adding depth to her character and advancing the plot.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Karen makes a pivotal decision to resign from her job, setting the stage for potential new developments in her life.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh and unexpected elements, such as Karen's bold actions and the tension between characters. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters' motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Karen, are well-developed and their actions in this scene reflect their personalities and motivations effectively.

Character Changes: 8

Karen undergoes a significant change in this scene, transitioning from a teacher facing mockery to a woman taking charge of her life and asserting her independence.

Internal Goal: 8

Karen's internal goal in this scene is to assert her power and independence. Her actions reflect her desire to break free from societal expectations and take control of her own destiny.

External Goal: 7

Karen's external goal is to confront the 'mean girl' teachers and assert her dominance in the school environment. She also shows concern for Bree's well-being and tries to warn her to escape from a toxic situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily stemming from Karen's confrontation with her colleagues and her bold decision to leave her job.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations and power dynamics driving the characters' actions. The audience is left unsure of how the conflicts will be resolved, adding to the tension and drama.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not life-threatening, Karen's decision to resign from her job carries personal and professional implications, making it a significant moment in the story.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major development in Karen's life, setting the stage for new narrative arcs and character growth.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and motivations. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the conflicts will be resolved.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of power, control, and manipulation. Karen challenges the traditional power structures in the school and tries to protect Bree from harm, while Reese represents the status quo and warns against sympathizing with Karen.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from defiance to empowerment, making it emotionally impactful for the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful, especially during Karen's interaction with Tom and her bold actions. It effectively conveys the emotions and intentions of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, dramatic confrontations, and complex character dynamics. The tension keeps the audience invested in the outcome of the characters' actions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged in the characters' actions and motivations. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its overall effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that help guide the reader through the action.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct beats and character interactions. It effectively builds tension and sets up conflicts that will likely be resolved in future scenes.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with Karen packing up her desk in a dramatic fashion, which sets the tone for her departure from the school. The aggressive kiss with Tom and the confrontation with the 'mean girl' teachers add a sense of triumph and empowerment to Karen's exit. However, the scene could benefit from more subtlety and nuance in Karen's actions and interactions.
  • The dialogue between Karen and Reese feels a bit forced and lacks depth. Karen's nervousness and evasiveness could be portrayed more effectively through her body language and facial expressions, rather than relying solely on dialogue.
  • The interaction between Karen and Bree is intriguing, but the dialogue could be more impactful. Karen's warning to Bree to run could be delivered with more urgency and emotion to heighten the tension of the scene.
  • The final exchange between Reese and Bree hints at a deeper backstory between the characters, but it feels rushed and could be expanded upon to provide more context and depth to their relationship.
  • Overall, the scene effectively sets up Karen's departure from her job and hints at potential conflicts and dynamics between the characters, but could benefit from more nuanced character development and dialogue.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtlety and nuance to Karen's actions and interactions to enhance the emotional depth of the scene.
  • Focus on portraying Karen's nervousness and evasiveness through body language and facial expressions, rather than relying solely on dialogue.
  • Enhance the urgency and emotion in Karen's warning to Bree to run to heighten the tension of the scene.
  • Expand upon the final exchange between Reese and Bree to provide more context and depth to their relationship.
  • Work on developing the characters and dialogue to add more complexity and depth to the scene.



Scene 27 -  A New Beginning
INT. FIVE STAR RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Karen, Simone and Shirley are all dressed up for a night on
the town. The group is seated at a prime table in the posh,
gourmet spot.

SHIRLEY
Holy cripes, Karen. Look at this
place. Somebody’s skipping the rent
this month.
69.


Simone is busy taking selfies of the extravagant window
views.

KAREN
I told you, ma. One day, you were
going to be proud of me.

SHIRLEY
Who says I’ve never been proud of
you until now?

KAREN
Look, I brought you both out here
because I have an announcement.

Karen has the floor, and the full attention of her daughter
and mother.

KAREN (CONTINUED) (CONT'D)
I’m building us a house.

Stunned silence. She holds up a tablet with architectural
drawings.

KAREN (CONTINUED) (CONT'D)
5,000 square feet. In the suburbs.
I hired the contractor and they’re
ready to start as soon as we
finalize the floorplan.

SHIRLEY
5,000 square feet? You don’t need
all that space!

Simone is still in shock.

KAREN
Well, we’re going to need office
space and multi-purpose rooms and
sets, for the channel. And, mom, I
was hoping... maybe you could move
in with us.

SHIRLEY
The hell? Are you kidding me?

KAREN
It’s just that, I never wanted you
in that home. I just couldn’t take
care of you. But now, we can get a
live-in nurse... It’ll be great.
70.


SHIRLEY
How are you gonna pay for it?
Teacher money? Been saving your
nickels and dimes?

KAREN
I just signed a deal that will make
sure we are taken care of for the
rest of our lives.

Shirley should be impressed but isn’t.

SHIRLEY
What about my boyfriend? We’re very
serious.

KAREN
The Crypt Keeper?

SHIRLEY (INCENSED)
Hey, he has a name! It’s....
Mmmmmm...

Karen and Simone look at Shirley, then each other.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)
I want to say Beauregard?

SIMONE
Mom, what about school? I don’t
want to change schools. All my
friends are there.

KAREN
I thought you might say that. Look,
you can finish out the year, but
you might change your mind when you
see what the suburban schools
offer.

Simone looks unconvinced.
SIMONE
What do you think Grandma?

Shirley furrow her brow, concentrating.

SHIRLEY
Shanley? It’s definitely Shanley.

KAREN
And baby, there’s something you’re
going to love.
71.


SHIRLEY
It’s definitely not Shanley. Why
did I think it was? Not a name!

Karen ignores her mom.

KAREN
You get to help design parts of the
house.

Simone’s eyes flash.

SIMONE
Oh my God. Really?

KAREN
Yes! You get to come up with
concepts and work with the
architect and interior designer to
set the vision. You’re really good
at that, much better than me. It
just makes sense.

SHIRLEY
That’s right!

SIMONE
I’m in!

Shirley snaps her fingers.

SHIRLEY
Ted. His name is Ted. And I’m good
where I am.

Karen frowns.

SHIRLEY (CONT'D)
Don’t you sell my house.

KAREN
Mom... I’m getting a new one...

SHIRLEY
It’s all I have left of your
father. Please.

Karen nods.
72.
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary At a celebratory dinner, Karen proudly announces plans for a luxurious new home and invites her mother, Shirley, to live with them. While Simone is enthusiastic about the design, Shirley initially hesitates. However, after Karen reveals a life-changing financial deal, Shirley agrees to move in. Despite her agreement, Shirley insists on keeping her cherished home, a reminder of her late husband.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Family dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise
  • Potential for melodrama

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight of Karen's decision to build a new house and involve her family in the process. It sets up potential conflicts and character development for future scenes.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Karen building a new house and inviting her family to be a part of it is innovative and adds depth to the characters' relationships. It introduces new possibilities for the storyline.

Plot: 7

The plot of Karen's announcement and the reactions of her mother and daughter adds depth to the family dynamics and sets up potential conflicts and resolutions. It moves the story forward in a significant way.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on family dynamics and the challenges of balancing independence and interdependence. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Karen, Shirley, and Simone are well-developed in this scene, showcasing their individual personalities and relationships. Their reactions and interactions add depth to the story.

Character Changes: 7

Karen's decision to build a new house and involve her family marks a significant change in her character's trajectory. It sets up potential growth and development for all characters involved.

Internal Goal: 8

Karen's internal goal in this scene is to prove her worth and provide for her family. She wants to show her mother and daughter that she is capable of taking care of them and making them proud.

External Goal: 7

Karen's external goal is to announce her plan to build a new house for her family and convince her mother to move in with them.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there are underlying tensions and potential conflicts in the scene, the focus is more on emotional revelations and character dynamics. The conflict is more internal and relational.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and motivations driving the characters' interactions. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will resolve.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in terms of family dynamics and relationships. Karen's decision to build a new house and involve her family has the potential to impact their lives significantly.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new plot point that has the potential to impact the characters' relationships and future decisions. It sets up new conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' reactions and decisions. The audience is kept on their toes as the family dynamics unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around family dynamics and the balance between independence and interdependence. Karen wants to take care of her mother, but Shirley values her independence and attachment to her current home.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, as it delves into themes of family, sacrifice, and hope. The characters' reactions and the weight of Karen's decision evoke strong emotions in the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and intentions of the characters in the scene. It sets up important conversations and reveals key information about the characters' motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its humor, emotional depth, and relatable family dynamics. The characters' interactions draw the audience in and create a sense of connection.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue and action, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear character motivations and conflict driving the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and purpose, with multiple elements introduced but not fully developed or resolved.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, especially the banter between Karen and Shirley.
  • The emotional beats and reactions of the characters seem inconsistent and not fully explored.
  • The transition between the announcement of building a house and Shirley's reaction feels abrupt and lacks a smooth flow.
  • The scene could benefit from more depth and exploration of the relationships between Karen, Simone, and Shirley.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the main objective of the scene and ensure that each element introduced serves that purpose.
  • Work on making the dialogue more authentic and reflective of the characters' personalities and relationships.
  • Focus on building the emotional arc of the scene, especially in Shirley's reaction to Karen's announcement.
  • Smooth out the transitions between different topics and reactions to create a more cohesive scene.
  • Consider adding more layers to the interactions between Karen, Simone, and Shirley to deepen the emotional impact of the scene.



Scene 28 -  Betrayal at the Mall
EXT. SHOPPING MALL - DAY

Simone and the mean girls from school are hanging out at the
food court, eating, comparing their spoils, and making fun of
everyone who walks by. Willow points at a middle aged woman
in workout gear.

WILLOW
Eww. If I ever get that old and
gross, slit my throat.

Simone laughs. She feels cool for once.

The other girls start mocking a developmentally disabled
adult man who is emptying the trash nearby. Simone crunches
her nose a little.

SCARLETT
Your boyfriend works here? Bitch
you never told me!

Simone is very embarrassed.

VOICE (O.S)
Hey Simone!

From a distance the girls see Piper. She is all decked out in
an elaborate ANIME CHARACTER COSTUME, complete with brightly
colored dress, and bright blue wig. Not surprisingly, cosplay
is not considered to be socially acceptable by Willow and her
gang. Unwittingly, Piper approaches Simone.

PIPER
Hey girl! I’ve been blowing up your
phone. Are you ghosting me?

Simone shrinks, ignoring Piper. She is basically abandoning
her old friend to the wolves, who pounce.

SCARLETT
That hoe over there is in my fourth
hour. She is so cringe.

LOLA
Cosplay is so retarded.

WILLOW
She looks like a commercial for a
prescription for lifelong
virginity. ‘Side effects include
being undateable’.

The girls let out hoots and hollers. Piper acts shocked to
the point of tears, then throws her hands up.
73.


PIPER
Is that all you got? I eat weak
burns for breakfast.

Willow gestures to Simone.

WILLOW
Roast this bitch, Simone.

Simone shrinks.

SIMONE
She... She’s dressed as...

Sympathetically, Piper nods as if to say, it’s ok.


SIMONE (CONT'D)
She looks like Munchausen by Proxy,
if it was a person.

Simone is selling it. She leans in, with mock sympathy.

SIMONE (CONT'D)
Blink once if your mom is hurting
you.

Willow and the mean girls are shocked.

ALL GIRLS
Oooh Dayum!!!! Roasted!!

Piper is honestly offended.

PIPER
Not bad. For a frickin’ sellout.
Blink once if you just became
everything you used to hate.

That hits a nerve with Simone. She is pissed.
SIMONE
Sellout? At least I don’t look like
pedophile bait. I keep looking
around for Chris Hanson to pop out
and arrest somebody.

Piper straightens up, gathering her dignity. She leans into
Simone.

WILLOW
You helped me pick this one out.
Remember?
74.


Piper turns and walks away, starting to tear up. Simone is
left with the mean girls, who rub her shoulders and dab her
up. She looks conflicted, but not enough to follow her old
friend.
Genres: ["Drama","Teen","Comedy"]

Summary Simone and the mean girls from school mock people at the shopping mall food court. When Piper, dressed in cosplay, approaches Simone, she is also mocked. Simone chooses to side with the mean girls, betraying her old friend. Piper walks away hurt, leaving Simone with the mean girls who comfort her.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Character dynamics
  • Exploration of teenage social dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potentially offensive language or behavior
  • Negative portrayal of bullying

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively captures the emotional turmoil of teenage interactions, with strong dialogue and character dynamics. It sets up conflict and tension that will likely lead to character growth and development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring teenage social dynamics and the impact of peer pressure is engaging and relatable. It sets the stage for character arcs and potential resolution.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the social dynamics between Simone, Piper, and the mean girls, setting up conflicts and tensions that will likely drive the narrative forward. It introduces stakes and emotional depth.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the theme of teenage bullying and peer pressure, with authentic dialogue and realistic character interactions. The writer's authenticity shines through in the characters' actions and reactions.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, with distinct personalities and motivations. Simone's internal conflict and struggle for acceptance are particularly compelling, while the mean girls are effectively portrayed as antagonists.

Character Changes: 7

Simone experiences a shift in her relationship dynamics, from siding with the mean girls to feeling conflicted and sympathetic towards Piper. This internal conflict sets the stage for potential character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Simone's internal goal in this scene is to feel accepted and cool in front of the mean girls from school. This reflects her deeper need for validation and belonging, as well as her fear of being an outcast.

External Goal: 7

Simone's external goal is to distance herself from her old friend Piper and align herself with the mean girls to avoid being targeted or bullied.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Simone, Piper, and the mean girls is palpable, creating tension and emotional stakes. The scene sets up power dynamics and challenges that will likely drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and social pressures driving the conflict between Simone, Piper, and the mean girls.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes in the scene revolve around social acceptance, peer pressure, and the characters' emotional vulnerabilities. The conflicts and tensions set up potential consequences and resolutions that will impact the characters' relationships.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by establishing key conflicts, character dynamics, and emotional stakes. It sets up potential plot developments and character arcs that will likely drive the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in its outcome, as Simone's choice to side with the mean girls is foreshadowed throughout. However, the sharp dialogue and emotional tension keep the audience engaged.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between superficial popularity and genuine friendship. Simone must choose between fitting in with the mean girls or standing up for her old friend, Piper.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from humor to sadness, capturing the complexities of teenage relationships and the struggle for acceptance. It resonates with the audience and sets up potential character growth.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and emotionally charged, effectively conveying the characters' emotions and conflicts. It drives the scene forward and reveals the characters' relationships and dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high emotional stakes, sharp dialogue, and relatable themes of peer pressure and friendship.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional stakes, leading to a climactic confrontation between Simone and Piper.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to industry standards, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a character-driven drama, with clear character motivations and conflict driving the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene portrays Simone and the mean girls engaging in bullying behavior, which may not be suitable for all audiences and could potentially perpetuate harmful stereotypes and attitudes.
  • The dialogue and actions of the characters, particularly the mean girls, may come across as insensitive and offensive, especially towards individuals with disabilities and those who engage in cosplay.
  • Simone's initial reaction to Piper's presence is one of embarrassment and abandonment, which could send a negative message about loyalty and friendship.
  • The insults and derogatory comments made by the mean girls, as well as Simone's participation in the mocking, contribute to a toxic and hurtful environment.
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or consequence for the bullying behavior, leaving the audience with a sense of discomfort and unease.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue and actions of the characters to promote empathy, kindness, and inclusivity.
  • Showcase Simone standing up against the mean girls and defending Piper, demonstrating growth and character development.
  • Introduce a positive message about the importance of acceptance, diversity, and standing up against bullying.
  • Provide a resolution where Simone reconciles with Piper and takes a stand against the mean girls, showcasing the power of friendship and compassion.
  • Consider addressing the impact of bullying behavior and highlighting the consequences of hurtful actions, promoting a message of accountability and growth.



Scene 29 -  Confrontation Over Endorsement
INT. BRYSTON’S ROOM - DAY

Bryston reads an online news story about Karen, entitled The
New Face of Motherhood. Bryston frowns.

Continuing, he reads one part aloud.

BRYSTON
“Schitzlinger has even signed a six
figure deal to feature LOLLYDOLL
brand products in her videos.”

Bryston tosses his laptop on the couch.

BRYSTON (CONT'D)
Oh, hell no.


INT. KAREN’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Karen packs up a conspicuously expensive-looking lighting
rig. The apartment is littered with cardboard boxes and
moving supplies. Karen tapes a box as the doorbell rings.
It’s Bryston.

BRYSTON
You guys moving or something?

Karen does not look up.

KAREN
We have new digs. I think you’ll
find the production equipment to be
a big upgrade... Not to mention
staff...
BRYSTON
What are you doing, Mrs. S?
Seriously? Lollydoll?

KAREN
Don’t be naïve Bryston. You know
how this works. Everybody does it
at some point.

BRYSTON
Not me. Never.
75.


Karen stands tall.

KAREN
I’m not gonna apologize for making
a deal that will send Simone to the
best design school in the country.
Costs more than Harvard. You can’t
do that on a teacher salary.

BRYSTON
Are you aware that Lollydoll uses
child labor in China to make their
clothes?

KAREN
Oh God. Who doesn’t? You still use
your iPhone don’t you. Steve Jobs
is still a frickin’ saint.

BRYSTON
This is messed up. I didn’t sign up
for all this. You guys are heading
for a massive faceplant, the most
epic fail. You know that right?
(beat) I’m out.

Bryston starts to pack up.

KAREN
Oh, you’re out. Bryston? You think
there aren’t a hundred you’s out
there?!!
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Bryston confronts Karen about her endorsement deal with Lollydoll, a company with questionable ethics. Karen justifies her decision by citing financial gains and opportunities for their daughter. Despite Karen's defense, Bryston disapproves and ultimately chooses to leave the situation.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Compelling character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of resolution
  • Limited character interaction

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the moral dilemma faced by the characters, creating a tense and confrontational atmosphere that keeps the audience engaged. The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing the conflicting values of the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of sacrificing personal ethics for financial gain is a compelling and relevant theme that adds depth to the characters and drives the conflict forward. It raises thought-provoking questions about the price of success.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the characters make decisions that will have significant consequences for their futures. The tension between Karen and Bryston escalates, setting the stage for further conflict and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the familiar theme of ethical dilemmas and personal integrity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and nuanced, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their conflicting values and motivations drive the scene forward. Karen's determination to secure a better future for her daughter clashes with Bryston's moral objections, creating a compelling dynamic.

Character Changes: 8

Karen's decision to prioritize her daughter's future over ethical concerns marks a significant character change. Bryston's moral objections reveal his values and set the stage for further development.

Internal Goal: 8

Bryston's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his moral integrity and stand by his principles, even in the face of temptation or pressure from others. This reflects his deeper need for authenticity and ethical behavior.

External Goal: 7

Bryston's external goal is to confront Karen about her business dealings and express his disapproval of her actions. This reflects the immediate challenge of standing up for what he believes in and maintaining his relationships.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Karen and Bryston is intense and drives the scene forward. Their opposing viewpoints create a tense atmosphere and set the stage for further confrontations and character development.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and motivations driving the conflict between Bryston and Karen. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding suspense and drama.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters face a moral dilemma that could have far-reaching consequences for their futures. The decision to make a deal with a questionable company raises the stakes and adds tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major conflict between the characters and setting the stage for future developments. It advances the plot and deepens the character dynamics.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' motivations and actions. The audience is kept on their toes as the conflict unfolds.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethical dilemma of sacrificing moral values for financial gain. Bryston and Karen have differing views on the importance of integrity and the consequences of their actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits strong emotions from the characters as they grapple with difficult decisions and conflicting values. The audience is drawn into the moral dilemma and feels the tension between the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and reveals the inner conflicts of the characters. It effectively conveys the tension and stakes of the scene, adding depth to the character interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense conflict, moral dilemmas, and realistic character dynamics. The dialogue and actions keep the audience invested in the outcome of the scene.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, escalating conflict, and allowing for character development. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the scene engaging and dynamic.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines are clear and concise.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear scene transitions, character interactions, and conflict development. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear emotional arc for Bryston. While he starts off frowning at the news story about Karen, his reaction to her explanation feels somewhat abrupt and lacks depth.
  • The dialogue between Karen and Bryston feels a bit on-the-nose and could benefit from more subtlety and nuance. The arguments presented by both characters could be more layered and complex.
  • The conflict between Karen and Bryston regarding the Lollydoll deal could be more impactful if the stakes were raised further. Exploring the ethical implications of the deal in more detail could add depth to the scene.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual elements to enhance the storytelling. Descriptions of the setting, character actions, and body language could help to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • The resolution of Bryston deciding to leave feels somewhat rushed and could be more impactful if his decision was built up more gradually throughout the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more layers to Bryston's emotional journey in the scene. Show his internal conflict more explicitly and give him a clearer arc.
  • Work on refining the dialogue between Karen and Bryston to make it more nuanced and realistic. Explore the characters' motivations and emotions in greater depth.
  • Delve deeper into the ethical dilemma surrounding the Lollydoll deal to create a more compelling conflict. Show the consequences of Karen's decision more vividly.
  • Enhance the visual storytelling by including more detailed descriptions of the characters' actions, expressions, and the setting. Use visual cues to convey emotions and tension.
  • Build up Bryston's decision to leave more gradually to make it a more impactful moment. Show his internal struggle and the reasons behind his choice more explicitly.



Scene 30 -  Domestic Discord
EXT. KAREN'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Simone is walking in, and runs into Bryston.

BRYSTON
Yo, your mom is off her medication.
I have to bail out of the plane
before it crashes.

Simone is wearing a branded MOM AND ME T-SHIRT.

SIMONE
What are you talking about?

BRYSTON
She sold out, bae. She is not doing
this for you. She is leveling up
her status and grabbing for a
check.
76.


He gestures to her t-shirt.

BRYSTON (CONT'D)
Looks like you are too.

Simone stiffens. Bryston braces for impact.

SIMONE
She said this would happen. We
finally are on top, and everybody
is trying to tear us down? I just
didn’t think it would be you.

BRYSTON
On top? You mean hanging with
popular kids and living the good
life? Those bitches will devour you
the second you don’t amuse them.

SIMONE
And you didn’t even wait that long!

Bryston tries to console her, and is rebuffed.

SIMONE (CONT'D)
Get off me! I’m over it. Go back to
your geek stuff.

Bryston slinks away.


INT. KAREN'S HOUSE - EVENING

REESE can be seen through the keyhole, wearing an ill-fitting
SUIT, and bearing a BOTTLE OF WINE and TWO GLASSES. Karen
winces, then opens the door.

REESE
Hey Kare Bear. How’s it goin? Are
you flowin?
KAREN
What are you doing Reese?

REESE
You know, I just been thinking.
Maybe it’s time I grew up. Put away
foolish things. I been messing with
girls so long I forgot what it’s
like to be with a woman…

Karen plays along.
77.


KAREN
Oh really? Please. Won’t you sit
down...

Karen leads Reese to the couch, and they sit. Reese PURS TWO
GLASSES, and they toast. Reese grabs her hands.

KAREN
Oh!

REESE
Look Kare Bear, I know I wasn’t who
you thought I would be. But it’s
never too late to be who I was
meant to be.

KAREN
And who’s that?

REESE
Your partner. In the boardroom. And
in the bedroom. You know I have got
chops. I’m a born performer. On
camera. And... in the bedroom.
Maybe both at the same time?

Karen whispers oos and ahhs as he speaks. Reese goes in for
the kill, leaning in for a kiss and a grope simultaneously.
Karen blocks both like a muay thai champion.

KAREN
I always had a hard time resisting
your moves. It’s not so tough
anymore.

Karen shoves him off the couch.

REESE
Kare Bear!
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Simone confronts Bryston about his accusations that she and her mother are exploiting their family for fame and money. Meanwhile, Karen faces an awkward encounter with Reese, who attempts to pursue her romantically and professionally. Karen rejects his advances, creating tension within the household.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue
  • Predictable character interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines drama, comedy, and confrontation to create a compelling and engaging moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of the scene, focusing on the confrontation between Karen and Reese, is well-executed and adds depth to the characters and their relationships.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene advances the story by revealing more about Karen and Reese's past relationship and current dynamics.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces fresh dynamics and conflicts within familiar relationships, adding depth and complexity to the characters' motivations and actions. The dialogue feels authentic and true to the characters' personalities and struggles.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Karen and Reese are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic and emotionally charged.

Character Changes: 8

Both Karen and Reese undergo changes during the scene, with Karen asserting her boundaries and Reese attempting to reconnect with her.

Internal Goal: 8

Simone's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the betrayal and disappointment she feels towards her mother and friend. She is struggling with feelings of abandonment and a loss of trust in those closest to her.

External Goal: 7

Simone's external goal is to confront Bryston about his betrayal and to assert her own independence and self-worth.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict in the scene, particularly between Karen and Reese, which drives the emotional intensity of the confrontation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs and values. The audience is left wondering how the characters will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in the scene as Karen confronts her past with Reese and asserts her boundaries, potentially impacting their future interactions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing more about Karen and Reese's past relationship, as well as setting up potential future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' relationships and motivations. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the conflicts will be resolved.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between loyalty and self-preservation. Simone must decide whether to stand by her mother and friend, or to prioritize her own well-being and integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact due to the tense and awkward confrontation between Karen and Reese, as well as the exploration of past relationships and personal growth.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the tension and emotions between Karen and Reese, as well as elements of humor and defiance.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict, sharp dialogue, and dramatic tension. The characters' interactions are compelling and draw the audience into the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and drama, with well-timed reveals and emotional beats. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' struggles.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines are concise and effective.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and conflicts. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and drama.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the conflict and character motivations. Bryston's sudden accusation that Karen is 'off her medication' and 'selling out' feels forced and lacks proper buildup or explanation.
  • The dialogue between Simone and Bryston feels unnatural and forced, with Bryston's accusations coming out of nowhere and Simone's reactions feeling exaggerated.
  • The transition from Simone encountering Bryston outside to Reese showing up at Karen's house is abrupt and disjointed, making the scene feel disconnected.
  • The interaction between Reese and Karen feels cliched and lacks depth. The dialogue and actions of Reese trying to seduce Karen come off as predictable and stereotypical.
  • The scene lacks subtlety and nuance in portraying the dynamics between the characters, resulting in a lack of emotional depth and authenticity.
Suggestions
  • Provide more context and build-up to Bryston's accusations towards Karen to make them feel more organic and impactful.
  • Refine the dialogue between Simone and Bryston to make it more realistic and reflective of their characters' personalities and motivations.
  • Smooth out the transition between Simone's encounter with Bryston and Reese showing up at Karen's house to create a more cohesive flow in the scene.
  • Develop the interaction between Reese and Karen to add layers to their relationship and avoid cliches in their dialogue and actions.
  • Focus on adding depth and complexity to the characters' interactions to create a more engaging and authentic scene.



Scene 31 -  Mom & Me Channel's Battle Plan
INT. KAREN’S NEW HOUSE/PRODUCTION STUDIO – DAY

Karen leads her team of millennial production staff through a
meeting.

KAREN
Take a look at this...

Karen pulls up a CAPTAIN & PENNY VIDEO ON A LARGE SCREEN
MONITOR.

SUPERIMPOSE: TO THE HATERS...
78.


Penny holds up her phone is selfie mode. This is unlike the
rest of her highly produced content.

PENNY (ONSCREEN)
Hey guys. Everybody’s talking about
Mom & Me. Look I get it. The Mom &
Me channel presents an alternative
version of motherhood. Lots of
people love it. The Pop Tarts for
dinner. The mockery of everything
that we put our hearts into here at
Penny & Captain. The anti-Penny.
Awesome.

Karen clenches her jaw.

PENNY (ONSCREEN) (CONT'D)
There’s room for everyone. But, now
it’s time for the Penny Patrol to
mobilize. Let’s set the natural
order of things back where it
belongs. Do we want to have
something to aspire to? Or do we
want to celebrate mediocrity?

Karen pauses the video.

KAREN
This bitch is declaring war. We
have to put the pedal to the floor.
Zach. Whaddya got?

ZACH
Right. We have a full slate of new
content planned. Through our
corporate partnerships we are going
to do some unboxing videos. Really
tie in the Mom & Me line of
products.

Karen looks at Simone, who looks disengaged.
ZACH (CONT'D)
We are going to unveil the new
house, do some virtual tours
showing off the space.

Karen again looks to Simone. Nothing. A metaphorical
tumbleweed rolls by.

KAREN
Simone, here’s something you’ll
love. We are launching an anti-
bullying campaign.
79.


Simone looks up, almost curious.

SIMONE
You know what, yeah. Let’s do it.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Karen leads her team in a meeting at their new house/production studio, showing them a video of Penny declaring war on their channel. Determined to fight back, they plan new content including unboxing videos, virtual tours, and an anti-bullying campaign. Simone, initially disengaged, shows interest in the anti-bullying campaign.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Strong character motivations
  • Compelling themes
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, filled with conflict, and sets up a compelling rivalry between the characters. The mix of drama and comedy keeps the audience entertained.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a YouTube channel rivalry and the introduction of an anti-bullying campaign add depth to the scene. The conflict between the characters is well-established.

Plot: 8

The plot advances with the escalation of conflict between the characters and the introduction of new challenges. The scene sets up future developments effectively.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the competitive world of online content creation, with a focus on the clash between individuality and conformity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relevant to the modern digital landscape.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show strong emotions and motivations, driving the plot forward. Their interactions are engaging and set the stage for character development.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions and conflicts set the stage for potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Karen's internal goal in this scene is to maintain her position as a successful content creator and leader of her team. She wants to assert her authority and strategic thinking in response to a potential threat from a rival.

External Goal: 7

Karen's external goal is to strategize and plan new content to stay ahead of her competitor, Penny. She wants to create engaging and innovative videos that will attract viewers and sponsors.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters is intense and sets the stage for future confrontations. The tension is palpable and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Penny's declaration of war creating a significant challenge for Karen and her team. The audience is left unsure of how the conflict will unfold.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters face a brewing rivalry that could impact their careers, relationships, and personal lives. The outcome of the conflict is crucial for their futures.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges, conflicts, and motivations for the characters. It sets up future plot developments effectively.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist of Penny declaring war on Karen, leading to a shift in the team's strategy and focus.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between celebrating individuality and creativity versus conforming to societal standards of success and mediocrity. Penny represents the former, while Karen is more focused on maintaining a competitive edge.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters, especially defiance, passion, and determination. The audience is likely to be emotionally invested in the characters' journeys.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp, reflecting the characters' personalities and motivations. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the conflict between the characters.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, competitive tension, and strategic planning involved. The conflict between the characters adds to the suspense and intrigue.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The rapid-fire dialogue and strategic planning keep the scene moving forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual elements are effectively described.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-heavy, character-driven scene in a contemporary setting. The pacing and rhythm of the dialogue contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and direction, with Karen showing a video of Penny declaring war on their channel but not taking decisive action in response.
  • There is a disconnect between Karen's reaction to Penny's video and the lack of a strong response from her in the meeting with her team.
  • The dialogue feels forced and lacks authenticity, especially in the interaction between Karen and her team.
  • Simone's disengagement in the meeting is not effectively conveyed or explored, leaving her character development stagnant.
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and fails to capitalize on the potential conflict introduced by Penny's video.
Suggestions
  • Clarify Karen's response to Penny's video by showing a more assertive and strategic plan of action.
  • Enhance the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities and motivations.
  • Explore Simone's disengagement further to add depth to her character and create a more compelling dynamic within the scene.
  • Consider adding more emotional stakes and tension to the meeting to increase the impact of Penny's declaration of war.
  • Ensure that the scene contributes to the overall narrative arc and character development by aligning the actions and reactions of the characters with their goals and conflicts.



Scene 32 -  Simone's Struggle
INT. STUDIO – CONTINUOUS

Ash and the team manipulate BOOM MIKES and LIGHTING and
record as Karen and Simone attempt to make magic.

KAREN
Welcome to Mom & Me. Today we are
launching our new initiative, “No
Trolls”. Simone?


Simone speaks flatly into the camera.

SIMONE
We all know bullying is a big
issue. Now is your chance to take a
stand….

LATER

Karen approaches Simone with a TABLET, watching the results.

KAREN
Let’s try it again, with a little
more juice this time…

SIMONE
My juicer is dry. Look…

Simone pulls Karen aside.

SIMONE (CONT'D)
Can you do the rest without me? I
need some time to myself.
KAREN
Simone, we are in the middle of a
launch…

SIMONE
Mom. Please. I can’t.

KAREN
Is this about Bryston?

SIMONE
This is about everything. Things
are moving so fast.
80.


Karen looks around at all the people milling around.

KAREN
Sure. Honey. Of course. Take a
little time to regroup.

Simone wanders off. Karen calls out.

KAREN (CONT'D)
Simone? Love you...

No response.

Zach comes up with his tablet.

KAREN (CONT'D)
Zach, people need to know what a
phony Penny is. We need to put some
content together. This is going to
get messy.
Genres: ["Drama","Family","YouTube"]

Summary During the filming of "Mom & Me," Simone expresses her overwhelming feelings to her mother, Karen. Karen agrees to give her a break, leaving Simone to reflect on her struggles with the pressures of her personal life and her mother's show.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Relevant themes
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel repetitive or melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional struggles of the characters and sets up a significant conflict regarding the direction of their YouTube channel.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of addressing bullying and the internal conflicts within the characters adds depth to the scene and sets up future developments.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Karen and Simone face challenges in their professional and personal lives, leading to potential conflicts and character growth.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh conflicts and emotional struggles that add depth to the characters and the narrative. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Karen and Simone, are well-developed and their emotional struggles are portrayed convincingly.

Character Changes: 8

Simone shows signs of emotional growth and conflict, hinting at potential character development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Simone's internal goal is to deal with her personal struggles and emotions, particularly related to her relationship with Bryston and feeling overwhelmed by the fast-paced nature of her life.

External Goal: 7

Karen's external goal is to successfully launch the 'No Trolls' initiative and handle the challenges that arise during the process.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There are internal and external conflicts present, including Simone's emotional struggles and the potential fallout from their YouTube channel's new direction.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external challenges that add complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as Karen and Simone face personal and professional challenges that could impact their future success and relationships.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and challenges for the characters to overcome.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional outbursts and conflicts that arise between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' values and priorities. Karen is focused on the project and its success, while Simone is struggling with personal issues and the pressure of the situation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, particularly regarding Simone's internal turmoil and Karen's determination.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, setting up conflicts and resolutions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth and tension between the characters, as well as the relatable conflicts they face.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, contributing to its effectiveness in conveying the characters' conflicts and struggles.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively building tension and conflict through the characters' interactions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or conflict, considering the high stakes established in the previous scenes. There is a disconnect between the importance of the 'No Trolls' initiative and Simone's sudden need for time alone.
  • The dialogue feels somewhat forced and lacks depth, especially in the interaction between Karen and Simone. The emotional weight of Simone's struggles and Karen's determination to fight back against Penny is not fully explored.
  • The transition from Simone's flat delivery to her sudden need for time alone feels abrupt and could benefit from more buildup and emotional development.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues or actions to enhance the emotional impact and convey the characters' inner turmoil more effectively.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved to create a more engaging and dynamic interaction between Karen, Simone, and Zach.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to add more depth and emotional resonance, especially in Simone's dialogue about bullying and her struggles.
  • Build up to Simone's need for time alone more gradually, showing the internal conflict and emotional turmoil she is experiencing.
  • Introduce more visual cues or actions to enhance the emotional impact of the scene, such as close-ups of the characters' expressions or body language.
  • Work on pacing to create a more engaging and dynamic interaction between the characters, allowing the tension and stakes to build throughout the scene.
  • Consider adding more layers to the conflict and character motivations to create a more compelling and impactful scene.



Scene 33 -  Simone Confronts Cyberbullying
EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE – NIGHT

A high school party is raging. Kids shuffle in and out of the
house. Simone walks in, trailing her new friends.

SCARLETT
Let’s roast people.

Simone frowns.

SIMONE
You know, I’m good. I’ll catch up
later.

LOLA
You gonna need to need to step it
up, girl. You’re getting boring.

SCARLETT
That’s real.

Simone stands alone and still, watching the party move and
evolve, like a living creature before her. It seems that
everywhere she goes, she is out of place. Then, A FAMILIAR
VOICE…

BRYSTON
Hey.

Simone half-smiles.
81.


SIMONE
Hey.

A long silence.

BRYSTON
Wow, your dress is amazing. You
won’t be standing alone for long.

SIMONE
I’m good by myself.

BRYSTON
Where you been?

SIMONE
You know. Around.

BRYSTON
I mean, you haven’t been on the
channel much. The last few videos
are all Karen.

Simone shrugs.

SIMONE
I’m not feeling it lately. She went
down the capitalist rabbit hole.

BRYSTON
That’s not all.

Simone raises an eyebrow. Bryston opens his backpack and
produces his LAPTOP.

BRYSTON (CONT'D)
Check this out.

Simone squints to read text on the screen. Her mouth drops
open.
SIMONE
Trolls. So what?

BRYSTON
I found these posts on one of
Karen’s anonymous accounts. I went
in to clean stuff up for you guys.
So you can run it yourselves. You
know, since I’m not… since we’re.
Not.
82.


SIMONE (READING)
Penny is a sad human tampon,
sucking the life out of everything
in her wake. Especially her son.
The fat, walking corpse.

Bryston shakes his head.

SIMONE (READING) (CONT'D)
You are trashholes. Do everyone a
favor and disappear.

Simone cringes.

BRYSTON
This is all going fubar fast.
Genres: ["Drama","Teen","Social Issues"]

Summary At a party, Simone feels isolated and hurt after discovering cruel online posts about her. Bryston shows her the posts, exacerbating her distress.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Revealing character dynamics
  • Building tension
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be too on-the-nose
  • Lack of resolution for some plot points

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense and gripping, with a lot of revelations and confrontations that keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the negative aspects of social media, the strain of fame, and the complexities of family relationships is well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens with the discovery of the trolls targeting the characters and the tension between them escalating.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh themes of social media, identity, and peer pressure in a familiar high school party setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are facing significant challenges and their reactions reveal more about their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

The characters are forced to confront new information and make decisions that could lead to significant changes in their relationships and dynamics.

Internal Goal: 8

Simone's internal goal in this scene is to maintain her sense of self and integrity in the face of peer pressure and judgment from her friends. She wants to stay true to herself and not succumb to the negative influences around her.

External Goal: 7

Simone's external goal is to navigate the social dynamics of the party and deal with the revelation of the hurtful comments made about her by her friend Karen.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters, the discovery of the trolls, and the strained relationships add layers of tension to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Simone facing internal and external challenges that create tension and conflict, keeping the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters face personal and professional challenges that could have lasting consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing new information, escalating conflicts, and setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected revelations about the characters' relationships and motivations, keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of identity, integrity, and the impact of social media on personal relationships. Simone is faced with the challenge of staying true to herself in a world where online personas can be hurtful and damaging.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions, especially with the revelations and confrontations that take place.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, conveying the tension and emotions of the scene effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a relatable conflict and emotional depth, drawing the audience into Simone's internal struggles and external challenges.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth, allowing for moments of introspection and conflict to unfold naturally.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a character-driven drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear direction or purpose, leaving the reader unsure of the significance of the interaction between Simone and Bryston.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural, lacking depth and emotional resonance.
  • The introduction of the trolls and the posts on Karen's anonymous account feels abrupt and disconnected from the rest of the scene.
  • There is a missed opportunity to explore Simone's internal struggles and emotions in a more nuanced and compelling way.
  • The scene could benefit from more subtlety and subtext to create a more engaging and impactful interaction between the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it more authentic and reflective of the characters' emotions and motivations.
  • Provide more context and build-up to the reveal of the trolls and the posts on Karen's anonymous account to create a more seamless and integrated narrative.
  • Focus on developing Simone's character arc and internal conflicts to add depth and complexity to the scene.
  • Explore the dynamics between Simone and Bryston in a more nuanced way to create a more compelling and meaningful interaction.
  • Consider adding layers of subtext and emotional depth to enhance the impact of the scene and engage the reader on a deeper level.



Scene 34 -  Confrontation and Closure
INT. KAREN’S HOUSE - MORNING

Karen’s troop of helpers are carrying cardboard boxes. Shelly
gingerly boxes up dishes.

KAREN
Ma. Just toss those. We bought all
new stuff!

Shelly looks hurt.

SHELLY
I bought you these for Christmas.

Simone approaches somberly.

KAREN
All right baby. Moving day!! Can
you feel the electricity?

SHELLY
Feels more like a funeral to me.
And I know. I literally have a
standing weekly appointment to bury
somebody.

SIMONE
I’m not going with you.

KAREN
What do you mean? The house that we
built.

Simone produces the TABLET.
83.


SIMONE
What are these?

Karen glances at the COMMENTS.

KAREN
That wasn’t me. I wouldn’t…

Simone points at the USERNAME.

SIMONE
Isn’t this another account you use?
It was you. And you would…

KAREN
Hey. I know this is not good. But
you saw the shit they were saying
about me.

SIMONE
Mom! You are literally launching an
anti-bullying campaign. People have
died because of stuff like this!

KAREN
Oh I get it. Nobody likes the new
me. In control. Winning all day.
Finally finding myself. Screw you
guys then. I do all the heavy
lifting anyway.

Simone looks up. TEARS in her eyes. Karen freezes.

SIMONE
What happened to you? You may not
have been a lot of things, but you
were always good. No matter how bad
it was. You were good. That was
your thing.

Karen reaches for her daughter.

KAREN
And where did that get me?

Simone spins and bolts, middle finger extended. Not stopping,
she unholsters her PHONE and dials REESE.

SIMONE
Hey dad. Can I crash with you
tonight? Yeah. Actually, might be
for a little while. Is that cool?
84.


KAREN
Aww don’t do that!

SHELLY
Let her go. She needs to cool off.
And you..

Shelly hauls off and slaps the back of Karen’s head.

KAREN
Ma!!

SHELLY
All the abuse you took. When you
were in school. They picked on you
something terrible. This what you
want to be? One of them?

Karen looks her mother dead in the eye.

KAREN
I have been eating shit with a big
spoon for my whole life. I have
been ridiculed, and humiliated, and
shamed, and laughed at for forty
years. They have hunted me for
sport. And you want me to just keep
taking it? What kind of mother are
you?

Shelly is shocked.

KAREN (CONT'D)
I’m the hunter now.

Shelly drops the box of dishes she gave Karen, and they
shatter.

SHELLY
How long you been waiting to say
that to me?
KAREN
Since forever. Graduation day. When
you sat there quiet while the
popular kids destroyed me during my
speech.

SHELLY
I wanted you to handle it for
yourself. I was wrong. You should
have said it to me then. Anger is
healthy when it’s fresh. But you
let it fester and rot.
(MORE)
85.

SHELLY (CONT'D)
It becomes something else entirely.
And it will eat you from the inside
out.

Shelly walks away. Karen stands grinding her teeth. ZACH, a
very young looking assistant, approaches with a HANDS FREE
HEADSET and scrolling through a TABLET.

ZACH
Ma’am the team has the studio
ready. You literally just need to
show up with the magic.
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary Karen faces confrontations from her helpers and family as she prepares to move. Simone expresses hurt over online comments, Shelly slaps Karen over a heated argument about past abuse, and Zach informs Karen that the studio is ready.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Raw dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel melodramatic at times

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally charged and impactful, with strong character dynamics and intense dialogue. It effectively conveys the internal struggles and conflicts of the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of confronting past trauma and family dynamics is compelling and well-executed. The scene effectively explores the complexities of relationships and personal growth.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the emotional interactions and revelations between the characters. It sets up future conflicts and character development.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on themes of identity, empowerment, and familial dynamics. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions feel authentic and relatable. The interactions between Karen, Simone, and Shelly are particularly powerful.

Character Changes: 8

Karen experiences a significant shift in her attitude and behavior, confronting her past and asserting herself in a new way. This marks a pivotal moment in her character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Karen's internal goal in this scene is to assert her newfound sense of control and power, while also grappling with the consequences of her actions on her relationships with her daughter and mother.

External Goal: 7

Karen's external goal is to finalize the move and show up at the studio with confidence and 'magic'.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Karen and her mother, as well as the internal conflicts within Karen herself, create tension and emotional depth in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and emotional confrontations between the characters. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of the interactions.

High Stakes: 7

The emotional stakes are high as Karen confronts her past traumas and struggles to assert herself in the face of family dynamics and personal challenges.

Story Forward: 7

The scene sets up future conflicts and character arcs, moving the story forward by revealing key emotional dynamics and unresolved issues.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in its emotional twists and revelations, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journeys.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of identity, self-acceptance, and the consequences of one's actions on relationships. Karen's transformation from a victim to a 'hunter' challenges traditional notions of motherhood and familial dynamics.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions and resonates with the audience through its raw and honest portrayal of family dynamics and personal struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and revealing, adding depth to the characters and driving the emotional impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense emotional conflicts, authentic dialogue, and complex character relationships. The audience is drawn into the characters' internal struggles and external challenges.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing for impactful character interactions and revelations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, allowing for clear visualization of the characters' actions and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively builds tension and emotional depth. The dialogue and actions flow naturally, contributing to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene is emotionally charged and intense, which can be effective in conveying the conflict between Karen and her daughter Simone.
  • The dialogue between Karen and Simone feels authentic and raw, capturing the tension and hurt between them.
  • The revelation of Karen's online behavior and the impact it has on Simone adds depth to their relationship and the overall storyline.
  • The interaction between Karen and her mother Shelly provides insight into Karen's past and the dynamics of their family.
  • The scene effectively showcases Karen's internal struggle and the consequences of her actions on her relationships.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more context or backstory to further explain Karen's behavior and motivations.
  • Explore the emotional journey of both Karen and Simone in more depth to enhance the audience's connection with the characters.
  • Provide a resolution or turning point in the conflict between Karen and Simone to add closure to their storyline.
  • Consider incorporating moments of vulnerability or reflection to showcase the characters' growth and development.
  • Focus on balancing the intense emotions with moments of introspection or reconciliation to create a more nuanced and impactful scene.



Scene 35 -  Karen's Transformation
EXT. KAREN’S NEW HOUSE/STUDIO – DUSK

Karen’s new place is huge and modern, like something from
HGTV on steroids.

Tom punches the security code and opens the huge steel pivot
door, lugging a huge cardboard box.


INT. KAREN’S NEW HOUSE/STUDIO - CONTINUOUS

Simone’s fingerprints are all over the place, in touches and
FURNISHINGS AND DESIGN FLOURISHES. Which would make for a
tasteful home, except Karen has filled it full of GAUDY
STATUS SYMBOLS and assorted SILLY RICH PEOPLE SHIT.

Tom tours the huge home, finding Karen, scrolling endlessly
through comments on her page in the command center, a
conference room with a HUGE MONITOR, displaying the channel’s
views and comments and stats in real time and in huge
letters. For example...

BOSSBITCH1989 (TEXT ONSCREEN)
Karen is so relatable.

SWETTYNOOB (TEXT ONSCREEN)
She’s so milfy.

ISTANMATTHEWLILLARD (TEXT ONSCREEN)
She is our mom now. All of us.

VAGNASTY (TEXT ONSCREEN)
Our queen must be protected at all
costs.

Tom observes, finally interrupting.

TOM
It’s a lot of house, ain’t it?
86.


Karen smugly reads the comments, not noticing her boyfriend.
She can’t tear her eyes away.

TOM (CONT'D)
Is that a T-Rex skull?

Crickets.

TOM (CONT'D)
Karen?!

Karen doesn’t look up.

KAREN
This is my new life, Tom. You have
to be big enough to step into it.
Are you big enough? Tom?

Tom frowns.

TOM (UNDER HIS BREATH)
I’m not sure anyone is.

LATER

Karen supervises her rapidly growing staff. Tom sits on the
couch bored out of his mind. He fiddles with his phone.

KAREN
We’re going to fill this whole area
full of packing peanuts.

Tom stands up and takes Karen by the hand.

TOM
Hey babe. We should celebrate.
Catch a movie on that humongous
scoreboard?. Netflix? Or chill?
Netflix AND chill?

Karen looks past him to see what her team is working on.
KAREN
We don’t have time. You have a
production meeting on your calendar
don’t you? This place doesn’t pay
for itself. Let’s go Tom. Time to
make a memory.

Tom nods and sighs as he passes a FRAMED PHOTO OF KAREN AND
SIMONE,. Happier times.
87.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Tom visits Karen's new house, transformed by Simone's influence and Karen's ostentatious additions. Karen, consumed by her online presence, dismisses Tom's concerns and suggestions. Tom grapples with the gulf between their perspectives, witnessing Karen's obsession with her brand and neglect of their relationship.
Strengths
  • Dynamic plot
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Compelling character arcs
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some elements of satire may be too exaggerated
  • Complex relationships may be hard to follow for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends drama, comedy, and tension to create a compelling narrative. The dialogue is sharp, and the character dynamics are engaging.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Karen's transformation from a teacher to a successful online personality is intriguing and well-executed. The scene explores themes of ambition, sacrifice, and the impact of fame on personal relationships.

Plot: 8

The plot is dynamic and full of twists, with conflicts arising from Karen's choices and the reactions of those around her. The scene moves the story forward significantly.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to exploring the impact of social media on personal relationships and the pursuit of success, with authentic character actions and dialogue that reflect the complexities of modern life.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic. Karen's evolution as a character is particularly compelling, as she navigates the challenges of her new life.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, particularly Karen, as she grapples with her new identity and the consequences of her actions. These changes drive the narrative and add depth to the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to assert her newfound status and success, seeking validation and acceptance from her boyfriend while also struggling with the pressure of maintaining her online persona.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to manage her growing staff and maintain her online presence, showcasing her success and influence to her boyfriend.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with interpersonal conflicts, both overt and subtle, adding layers of tension and drama. The conflicts drive the narrative forward and reveal the characters' true selves.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing internal and external conflicts that challenge her beliefs and values.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, as Karen faces the repercussions of her choices on her relationships, career, and personal identity. The conflicts and decisions made have far-reaching consequences, raising the tension and drama.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward significantly, introducing new conflicts, resolutions, and character developments. It sets the stage for future events and builds anticipation for the next plot twists.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the protagonist's behavior and the shifting dynamics between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between material success and personal relationships, as Karen prioritizes her online image and career over her relationship with her boyfriend.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and defiance to confusion and empathy. The characters' struggles and conflicts resonate with the audience, creating a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals the characters' motivations and conflicts effectively. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the tension between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic between the characters, the satirical commentary on social media culture, and the tension between personal relationships and career success.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a balance of dialogue and action to maintain the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively sets up the conflict between the protagonist's internal and external goals, following the expected format for a character-driven drama.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus or purpose, as it jumps between different elements without a cohesive thread.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural, with characters delivering lines that don't flow organically.
  • The visual descriptions are overwhelming and distracting, with an excessive focus on the opulence of Karen's new house.
  • The character dynamics between Karen and Tom are underdeveloped and lack depth, making their interactions feel superficial.
  • The scene fails to build tension or create a sense of conflict, resulting in a lack of engagement for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Focus on a specific goal or conflict for the scene to drive the narrative forward.
  • Streamline the dialogue to make it more authentic and reflective of the characters' personalities.
  • Simplify the visual descriptions to highlight key elements that enhance the storytelling.
  • Develop the relationship between Karen and Tom to add depth and emotional resonance to their interactions.
  • Introduce a clear conflict or obstacle that challenges the characters and creates tension for the audience.



Scene 36 -  Temptation and Retribution
INT. REECE’S APARTMENT – LATE NIGHT

Bree does her makeup, while Reece paces.

BREE
I really think she is starting to
like me. Simone. She said I was
obtuse!

REESE
Damn right you are.

BREE
Are you even listening?

REESE
Sorry Breezy. I’m just figuring out
my next move. I can’t get alimony,
I think it’s been too long.

Reese’s phone comes to life.

REESE (CONT'D)
Talk to me.

There is a DEEP, DISTORTED VOICE on the other end.

VOICE
Reese Griese?

REESE
Speaking.

VOICE
This is a concerned party with
common interests. How would you
like to make enough money to never
work again.

REESE
I mean. I am just barely marginally
employed at present…

VOICE
How would you like to upgrade your
lifestyle AND knock your ex-wife
off her high horse?

REESE
I’m listening.

LATER
88.


Reese checks to see that Simone is in the shower and SCROLLS
THROUGH HER PHONE.

INT. KAREN’S NEW HOUSE/STUDIO - DAY

Karen sits, godlike in her throne, watching her big screen as
it flickers with likes and shares and all the validation she
will ever need. She reads comments.

ZACH approaches and takes control of the BIG SCREEN with a
remote.

KAREN
What are you doing?

He pulls up a YouTube video entitled “Mom & Me: Exposed”.

PENNY (ONSCREEN)
Hey guys. Today’s video is going to
be a little bit different. Some of
you in the Penny Patrol may have
been seeing a lot of online hate, a
lot of trolling. The ugliness has
gotten so bad that I have had to
turn off comments while we got to
the bottom of things.

One of Karen’s HEINOUS COMMENTS is blown up on the screen.

PENNY (CONT'D)
Turns out, the culprit, the
unscrupulous villain who has
attacked our family, unprovoked…

Karen leans in and gulps.

PENNY(CONT’D) (CONT'D)
Is none other than America’s
sweetheart, Karen Shit-Slinger. She
has unleashed her army of welfare
queens and DMV workers against us.
Cut to a seriously UNFLATTERING SCREEN GRAB OF KAREN, being
Karen.

PENNY (ONSCREEN) (CONT'D)
It seems she and her gang of
enablers have decided if you can’t
beat them, slander them.The
hypocrisy. The queen of the
downtrodden victims of bullying is
perhaps the most toxic, hateful
bully of them all. She is a sham.
89.


Karen gets up and tries to shut off the big screen.

PENNY (ONSCREEN) (CONT'D)
Worst of all, she’s dragging her
poor sweet daughter down with her.

Karen freezes. That hurt.

PENNY (CONT'D)
Rise above, Penny Patrol. Turn the
other cheek. And kill them with
kindness. #Lovewins. #Hatersgonna
hate. #KancelKaren.Don’t forget to
click like or subscribe. And join
the movement.Cancel Karen.

Karen finally manages to pause the video. The comments are
scathing.

Karen searches her channel. Her SUBSCRIBERS begin to turn on
her, her numbers drastically reduce. She refreshes. Damning
Reaction videos pop up. The numbers shrink again. Refresh.
MASSIVE DROP IN NUMBERS. She sits on her throne of lost
dreams, watching it all fall apart.

Frantic, Karen pulls out her phone and GOES LIVE on YouTube.

KAREN
Hey guys. It’s me. Karen. You may
have heard some scurrilous
accusations against me. Let me
retort. Penny is a cunt and a liar.
I never bullied anyone that didn’t
bully me first. And I have been
bullied my whole life. This skinny
hoe is just the latest.

Zach and the other production staff stop and watch the big
screen, FILLED WITH KAREN’S IRATE FACE.
KAREN (CONT'D)
For example, there was Jamie
Slinker, the tater twat who pulled
my dress down and flashed the
entire homecoming dance. Burn in
hell, bitch.

Zach tries to yank the phone from Karen, and she shoves him
down hard.

KAREN (CONT'D)
Also, Jed Pipkorn.
(MORE)
90.

KAREN (CONT'D)
You and your band of chuckle fucks
bullied me so hard. During swim
class. The human sexuality unit in
health class. Well, I Facebook-
stalked you, you dry humping
dickslacker.

Karen holds up her phone.

KAREN (CONT'D)
Bald! Skinny. Loser. Look at you.

Karen scrolls through his Facebook photos. The pics show a
sick man surrounded by lots of supportive people. HOSPITAL
GOWN. GAUNT.
KAREN (CONT'D)
Even though it looks, on the
surface, like lots of people love
you, nobody loves you. And… it
would appear... That you are
recovering from… a type of serious
illness. Possibly.... cancer. So...

Karen looks to her assistants waving her off. Rage wins over
reason.

KAREN (CONT'D)
So... suck it. Karma is a bitch.You
fucked with the wrong girl.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Reese grapples with a proposition to sabotage his ex-wife while Karen's online reputation plummets, leading to a volatile livestream outburst.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Strong character development
  • Compelling conflict and tension
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may come across as overly dramatic or exaggerated

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, emotionally charged, and impactful, with strong character dynamics and a significant turning point in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on the unraveling of Karen's public image and personal relationships, is well-executed and engaging.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the revelation of Karen's online bullying, the backlash she faces, and the consequences of her actions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh and relevant themes such as online bullying and social media backlash. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Karen, are complex, flawed, and undergo significant development in this scene. Their interactions drive the emotional intensity of the scene.

Character Changes: 9

Karen undergoes a significant transformation as she faces the consequences of her actions and confronts her own flaws.

Internal Goal: 8

Reese's internal goal is to find a way to improve his financial situation and get back at his ex-wife. This reflects his desire for financial stability and his need for revenge.

External Goal: 9

Reese's external goal is to make enough money to never work again and to knock his ex-wife off her high horse. This reflects the immediate circumstances of his financial struggles and desire for revenge.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with emotional confrontations, public humiliation, and personal revelations driving the tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult challenges and conflicting motivations that keep the audience guessing.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high for Karen as she faces public humiliation, loss of support, and the consequences of her actions, impacting her personal and professional life.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by revealing crucial information, deepening character arcs, and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and dialogue.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the consequences of online bullying and the idea of karma. It challenges Karen's beliefs about herself and her actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly through Karen's downfall and the unraveling of her relationships.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and reveals the characters' emotions and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional conflict, and dramatic tension between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest through well-timed reveals and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with distinct scene transitions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a clear progression of events and character interactions, building tension and conflict effectively.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Reese receiving a mysterious phone call to Karen in her new house/studio, which may confuse the audience.
  • The dialogue between Reese and the mysterious voice feels a bit cliched and lacks depth, making it less engaging for the audience.
  • The sudden shift to Karen in her new house/studio watching her online presence and being exposed by Penny feels rushed and disconnected from the previous events.
  • The scene lacks a smooth transition and development of the conflict, making it feel disjointed and lacking in emotional impact.
  • Karen's reaction to being exposed by Penny and her subsequent live stream response feels exaggerated and out of character, diminishing the authenticity of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between Reese's phone call and Karen's situation to maintain continuity and coherence.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Reese and the mysterious voice to make it more engaging and intriguing for the audience.
  • Develop the conflict and emotional stakes in the scene to create a more impactful and cohesive narrative.
  • Provide more context and build-up to Karen's exposure by Penny to make her reaction more believable and authentic.
  • Focus on maintaining consistency in Karen's character portrayal to ensure her reactions feel genuine and in line with her established personality.



Scene 37 -  Karen's Rage
INT. REESE’S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Simone watches Karen on her phone, in horror.

SIMONE
Oh, Mom.

SUPERIMPOSE: SIX MONTHS LATER
Karen sits in her throne, swigging a BOTTLE OF SCOTCH. She
looks like hell. She still compulsively scans YouTube. She
tries to search Mom & Me. Nothing comes up.

What does come up are a slew of REACTION VIDEOS by other
creators, with THUMBNAILS OF KAREN’ OUTBURST and titles like:
MOM FROM HELL, SCHITZ-SHOW, and KAREN KANCELLED!!!!

Meanwhile, MEN WITH HANDTRUCKS REMOVE A HUGE STATUE of KAREN.
Another mover packs up the T-Rex skull into a box.

Tom walks up somberly.
91.


TOM
I think that’s almost everything.

Karen pulls up the Penny & Captain channel on the big screen.

TOM (CONT'D)
Karen. Why...? It’s over! Let it
go!


INT. PENNY’S BACKYARD - DAY

On the screen is Penny, in front of a huge, multi-colored
obstacle course. The monstrosity has been constructed in her
back yard, with swinging boxing gloves and huge rotating
rolling pins. At the center rear, looming over the whole
thing, is a GIANT INFLATABLE CREATURE, snorting steam from
its nostrils. It looks suspiciously like Karen, down to her
big perm.

PENNY (ONSCREEN)
This week we’re going to be hosting
our latest Influencer Challenge.
Your favorite content creators will
be competing for $100,000, as they
take on our new obstacle course.
Life is full of obstacles. Big,
dumb, fat obstacles. The secret is
to never give up. That’s what
winners do. Right Captain?

CAPTAIN
Right Mom!

Karen is fuming.

KAREN
Oh. Hell. No.

Karen pops up and bolts to the door.
TOM
Karen! Don’t!

Tom helplessly watches as Karen tears off in her car. He gets
on his phone, which tells us he is calling SIMONE.
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Six months after her public meltdown, Karen has become an alcoholic and is living in a trashed house. As movers remove her belongings, including a statue of herself and a T-Rex skull, Tom arrives and urges her to let go of her anger. However, Karen defiantly refuses. Meanwhile, Penny has built an obstacle course in her backyard that mocks Karen. Upon seeing this, Karen explodes in fury and storms out, leaving Tom to call Simone.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be too dramatic for some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, intense, and impactful, with a mix of drama and comedy that keeps the audience hooked. The downfall of Karen adds depth to the storyline and sets up future conflicts and resolutions.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showcasing the consequences of Karen's actions and decisions, especially in the online world, is well executed. It adds layers to the character development and drives the plot forward.

Plot: 8

The plot is rich with conflict, tension, and character dynamics. It sets up future developments and resolutions while keeping the audience engaged and invested in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the influencer culture, blending elements of satire and drama to create a unique narrative. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, especially Karen, Tom, and Simone, are well-developed and their interactions add depth to the scene. Each character's motivations and emotions are clear and drive the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 8

Karen undergoes a significant change as she faces the consequences of her actions and decisions. This change sets up future character development and plot twists, adding depth to the narrative.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to salvage her reputation and regain control over her online presence. This reflects her desire for validation and success in the influencer world, as well as her fear of being canceled and losing everything she has worked for.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to confront the challenge presented by Penny's obstacle course and potentially redeem herself in the eyes of her audience. This reflects the immediate circumstances of her public humiliation and the need to prove herself.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, emotional, and multi-layered. It drives the character interactions and plot developments, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong, as Karen faces a daunting challenge that tests her resolve and character.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as Karen faces the loss of her reputation, career, and relationships. The consequences of her actions have a significant impact on her life and the lives of those around her.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, setting up future conflicts, resolutions, and character arcs. It adds depth to the narrative and keeps the audience engaged and invested in the storyline.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, as Karen decides to confront Penny's challenge despite the risks involved.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between the protagonist's desire for success and validation in the influencer world and the reality of public scrutiny and backlash. This challenges her beliefs about fame and the consequences of her actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, especially as Karen faces the consequences of her actions and decisions. The emotional depth adds layers to the characters and storyline, making it impactful and memorable.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp, emotional, and impactful. It reveals the characters' inner thoughts and conflicts, adding layers to the scene and driving the narrative forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, dramatic conflict, and relatable themes of redemption and public scrutiny.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with concise descriptions and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions and character motivations driving the action.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of Karen's current state and motivations. It's not clear why she is living in a trashed house and drinking heavily, or why she is still compulsively scanning YouTube.
  • The transition from Simone watching Karen on her phone to Karen sitting in her throne with a bottle of scotch is abrupt and could be smoother to better convey the passage of time.
  • The reaction videos and titles shown on YouTube feel exaggerated and cliched, bordering on caricature rather than realistic portrayals of online backlash.
  • The removal of the statue of Karen and the T-Rex skull by movers feels disconnected from the rest of the scene and lacks emotional impact.
  • Tom's somber demeanor and his plea for Karen to let go of the Penny & Captain channel could be more impactful if the audience had a clearer understanding of Karen's emotional state and the consequences of her actions.
Suggestions
  • Provide more context and background information to explain why Karen is in such a deteriorated state and why she is still fixated on YouTube despite the negative attention.
  • Consider a more gradual transition to show the passage of time and Karen's decline in a more nuanced way.
  • Revise the portrayal of the reaction videos and titles on YouTube to be more realistic and less sensationalized.
  • Integrate the removal of the statue and T-Rex skull in a way that ties back to Karen's character development and emotional journey.
  • Enhance Tom's interaction with Karen to better convey the emotional weight of the situation and Karen's internal struggles.



Scene 38 -  Confrontation at Penny's House
EXT. SHADY GROVE NURSING HOME - DAY

Simone helps Shirley onto the nursing home bus. About a dozen
residents are in seats. A couple of members of the nursing
home staff are smoking outside the bus before the trip.
92.


SIMONE
Grandma, what are we doing? Mom
needs us.

Shirley slides behind the wheel of the bus and closes the
folding door. The staff members POUND ON THE DOOR AND YELL.
Shirley holds the intercom mic up to her face.

SHIRLEY
Attention old bastards. We will not
be attending Bingo as scheduled. We
are going to save my daughter from
the influencers.

SHIRLEY PEELS OUT.


INT. KAREN’S CAR - NIGHT

Karen punches a destination Google Maps. Destination:
Orlando, FL. 1,037.3 miles, 15 hours 47 minutes.


EXT. HIGHWAY - CONTINUOUS

KAREN (V.O.)
Life is full of obstacles.

Karen DOZES momentarily as she drives; her car GRINDS AGAINST
A CONCRETE RETAINING WALL. She is STARTLED AWAKE, and
corrects her course.


EXT. HIGHWAY - LATER

Karen changes her tire in the pouring rain.

KAREN (V.O.)
Skinny. Pretty. Perfect. Stupid.
Phony obstacles.


EXT. HIGHWAY - LATER

Karen walks, determined, away from her car, PARKED LIFELESSLY
ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD, BELCHING SMOKE..

KAREN (V.O.)
The secret is to never give up.
93.


EXT. AIRPORT - DAY

The Shady Acres nursing home bus pulls up to the AIRPORT DROP
OFF LANE.

Shirley and Simone hustle out of the bus, while their
confused passengers gaze out of the windows.

SIMONE
Wait! What about them?

SHIRLEY
They aren’t infants. They are grown
adults. They’ll be fine.

With that, Shirley and Simone speed walk to the ticket
counter.

SUPERIMPOSE: ORLANDO, FL

A beautiful, idyllic gated community.


EXT. FRONT OF PENNY’S HOUSE - DAY

Karen arrives, a filthy, wet, hot mess. She stands, looking
up from behind the iron gate surrounding Penny’s STUNNING
MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR HOME.

KAREN (V.O.)
That’s what winners do.


EXT. BACK YARD OF PENNY’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Penny and Captain sit behind a table, with a SCOREBOARD
superimposed onscreen.

PENNY
We have just finished round 1 of
the influencer challenge, extreme
hide and seek. And the standings
are: Outlandish in first, followed
by the Luckinbills, Pete Filardo
and his clone Re-Pete, and
Nightshade Supersad and Bellagamba
bringing up the rear.

The competitors mill about at the start of the next
challenge. There are CAMERAS EVERYWHERE. Penny’s people, as
well as the other creators capture every moment.
94.


OUTLANDISH JUSTIN
Bellagamba definitely bringing up
the rear! Check my rizz.

The Outlandish boys bust a gut laughing.

OUTLANDISH MATT
You got no game, J!

Meanwhile, behind Penny and Captain, KAREN IS CLIMBING THE
FENCE. Karen’s pants get snagged on the tall iron gate as she
scales it. Momentarily, she HANGS HELPLESSLY from her pants,
before falling hard to the ground in her underwear. Her pants
still caught, she pulls hard and tears them free, ripping
them to shreds...

Pantsless but undeterred, Karen tiptoes into the enormous
backyard.

PENNY
Next, our influencers will take on
the DERPINATOR, a 20,000 SF
obstacle course. Look familiar? But
beware the DERP QUEEN. She looks
harmless but she will turn on you
in a heartbeat. Isn’t that right
Captain?

Captain cannot be bothered to look up from his handheld game.

CAPTAIN
Whatever Penny.

PENNY
You mean Mom?

CAPTAIN
Whatever Penny.

A HORN SOUNDS, and the competitors enter the obstacle course.
TRAP DOORS FLY OPEN, THE GIANT ROLLING PINS ROTATE, THE HUGE
SNORTING KAREN-BEAST BREATHES SMOKE. The obstacles are tough,
and the competitors deliberately navigate each challenge,
mostly falling over each other and sliding around.

The Luckinbills, ALL DRESSED IN MATCHING WHITE POLO. SHIRTS
AND SHORTS, work together, hoisting and supporting each other
in myriad uncomfortable and inappropriate ways. Outlandish
Justin is helping Bellagamba, in something approximating
chivalry.

AT THE TABLE

Penny has gathered members of her team.
95.


PENNY
Ash-hole! Get cameras on Pete and
Re-Pete. He... They are pulling
ahead. What are you thinking?!
Idiot!

ASH
Take it easy, Penny.

PENNY (MOCK SINCERITY)
I’m so sorry! Pretty please, with
sugar on top. Move your lazy, Gen Z
ass and take that fat, entitled son
of mine so we can finish this
ridiculous video.

Captain FLIPS OFF PENNY, then follows Ash to head off the
competitors and get footage. For a moment, Penny is ALONE.

KAREN
Not such a sweetheart, are you?
America’s Mom my ass.

PENNY
Oh God! What are you doing here?
(Beat) Where are your pants?!

KAREN
You took everything from me!

PENNY
I definitely didn’t take your
pants. Did you come here to do
things to me?

Penny backs away slowly.

KAREN
C’mere. I just want to talk to you.

Karen stalks Penny menacingly.

PENNY
Ahhh! Help! Ash!!!!!

Penny takes off running. Karen cuts off her access to the
house, so Penny dashes for the HUGE OBSTACLE COURSE.

Penny designed the course, so she deftly dodges and
pirouettes to navigate moving stairs and jump over padded
sweepers. The other participants fall and struggle as she
passes them one by one, with Karen hot on her heels.
96.


NIGHTSHADE
Hey what’s soccer mom doing?

BELLAGAMBA
She’s trying to win the $100,000
for herself!

Pete Filardo, and his “clone” Re-Pete are using a stopwatch
and a calculator to predict the random padded blocks that
threaten to knock competitors from a narrow ledge. Re-Pete
goes first, and makes it across.

RE-PETE
Let’s go science!

Karen pursues Penny like a WILD ANIMAL STALKING IT’S PREY:

-Karen SHOVES PETE from the narrow ledge, and he falls into a
3 foot pool of water. Karen is immediately KNOCKED FROM THE
LEDGE by a spring loaded padded block, LANDING ON PETE AND
CRUSHING HIM.

RE-PETE (CONT'D)
Pete!

PETE
Avenge me!

-Kare trips Re-Pete and stands over him.

KAREN
By the way. You’re a sham.
Everybody knows you guys are twins.

Re-Pete recoils in mock horror.

-Karen palms the blonde heads of each of the seven Luckinbill
kids in sequence, using them to balance as she clears the
first SWEEPER. As a result the Luckinbill kids are batted,
one by one, by the sweeper arms and FLY INTO AN INFLATABLE
POOL FILLED WITH CHOCOLATE PUDDING. The Luckinbill parents
try to pull the kids out, and are PULLED IN THEMSELVES.

MR. LUCKINBILL
Ah! Why did we wear white?

MS. LUCKINBILL
Seriously Wayne? Like you’re going
to do the laundry!

-Karen PUSHES PAST BELLAGAMBA AND NIGHTSHADE SUPERSAD as they
CLIMB A PADDED RAMP. Karen SMASHES THEIR FACES AGAINST THE
PADDED RAMP AS SHE ROLLS OVER THEM.
97.


As Karen scrambles up the ramp, Bellagamba and Nightshade
disengage from the padded ramp. Each has left a SHROUD OF
TURIN-ESQUE FACIAL IMPRINT from their heavy makeup.
BELLAGAMBA’S IMPRINT IS MULTICOLORED WITH BRIGHT RED LIPS.
NIGHTSHADE’S IS WHITE WITH BLACK LIPS.

-Karen catches up to the Outlandish boys, who stand between
her and Penny. She stares them down with murderous intent.
Outlandish Justin runs around the corner in an inflatable
TUNNEL. He hears the TERRIFIED SCREAMS OF HIS BOYS. One by
one, they are silenced.

OUTLANDISH JUSTIN
Matty? Trey? Grayson? Where are you
guys??

A terrifying silence. Then, A WATER FEATURE creates a MISTY
HAZE, which startles Outlandish Justin momentarily. He laughs
at his own fear.

KAREN (SOFTLY)
Boo.

Karen appears out of the mist into the dark of the inflatable
tunnel.

Outlandish Justin races out of the tunnel and, rather than
d=face Karen, hurls himself from the top of the obstacle
course, tumbling and crashing hard into a pit of foam blocks.

KAREN (CONT'D)
Peace, bruh.



Penny gingerly climbs up onto a platform and begins to cross
a balance beam. Karen is right behind her.

Karen catches Penny by her track jacket and growls in her
face.
At this point, all influencer participants, their various
entourages, as well as Penny’s staff and Captain, all stop to
watch the epic confrontation.

KAREN
Where you going, bitch?!!

Penny recoils, as if in pain.

PENNY
Your breath is hurting me.
98.


Before Karen can respond, a BOXING GLOVE ON A TELESCOPING
MECHANISM rockets from a hole in the facade, blasting Karen
in the face and knocking her ass over teakettle into a pool
of slime. Penny stops to gloat.

PENNY (CONT'D)
Behold the Derp Queen!!!

Suddenly, another BOXING GLOVE punches Penny in the throat.
She tumbles from the balancing beam and falls hard, hitting
her head on a padded block before landing face first into the
slime pool. Karen wipes the slime from her eyes, pleased to
see her enemy hoisted by her own petard. A few yards away,
Penny’s staff watches, mouths wide.

The Outlandish guys go insane. Captain laughs so hard he
strains to breathe.

ASH
Are you guys getting all of this?

An assistant replies with a thumbs up.

The team of assistants stands in position, armed with
CAMERAS, LIGHTING STANDS, and BOOM MIKES. They have been
capturing the whole confrontation.


Karen hoists Penny up out of the slime, hands around her
neck. Before she can do damage, Penny spits a HUGE STREAM OF
SLIME into Karen’s eyes.

KAREN
Ah God!!!1 It burns so bad!!!

PENNY
It’s the borax!!

KAREN
That make so much sense. Really
binds it together!!
PENNY
You really have to be careful. The
wrong mix can be toxic!

Penny smiles, trying to defuse things a little.

KAREN
I learned that one the hard way.
Also that the blindness is
temporary.

Karen lunges, but misses Penny, and falls.
99.


Penny flinches. Karen hoists Penny up and holds her in the
air.

Then a voice...

SIMONE
Mom, stop!

And another...

SHIRLEY
Karen. Baby. Put down the cunt....

Penny waves, disoriented.

SIMONE
Big fan!

Karen drops Penny hard.

KAREN
You drove my daughter away from me.
She is everything to me!!!!

PENNY
I didn’t make you lose your
daughter. You did that all by
yourself.

She looks to Simone, who nods solemnly. Karen is stunned.

Penny flinches. Karen hoists Penny up and holds her in the
air.

Then a voice...

SIMONE
Mom, stop!

And another...

SHIRLEY
Karen. Baby. Put down the cunt....

Penny waves, disoriented.

SIMONE
Big fan!

Karen drops Penny hard.

KAREN
You drove my daughter away from me.
She is everything to me!!!!
100.


PENNY
I didn’t make you lose your
daughter. You did that all by
yourself.

She looks to Simone, who nods solemnly. Karen is stunned.

Penny flinches. Karen hoists Penny up and holds her in the
air.

Then a voice...

SIMONE
Mom, stop!

And another...

SHIRLEY
Karen. Baby. Put down the cunt....

Penny waves at Simone, disoriented.

PENNY
Hey girl.

SIMONE (AWKARDLY)
Hey... Big fan.

Karen drops Penny hard.

KAREN
You drove my daughter away from me.
She is everything to me!!!!

PENNY
I didn’t make you lose your
daughter. You did that all by
yourself.

She looks to Simone, who nods solemnly. Karen is stunned.

Penny flinches. Karen hoists Penny up and holds her in the
air.

Then a voice...

SIMONE
Mom, stop!

And another...

SHIRLEY
Karen. Baby. Put down the cunt....
101.


Penny waves, disoriented.

SIMONE (EMBARRASED)
Big fan!

Karen drops Penny hard.

KAREN
You drove my daughter away from me.
She is everything to me!!!!

PENNY
I didn’t make you lose your
daughter. You did that all by
yourself.

She looks to Simone, who nods solemnly. Karen is stunned.

Seeing her opportunity, Penny stumbles over to TWO
HORIZONTALLY POSITIONED ROLLING PINS. She deftly slides
between them, getting squeezed and spit out the other side.

Karen follows, wiping her eyes. Trying to navigate the
ROLLING PINS, she gets wedged between them. It is not a
flattering sight.

Finally, the machine strains and spits Karen out violently.
She slides across the padded floor of the course, a slimy
projectile. She hits Penny with such force that the smaller
woman does a COMPLETE FLIP and lands hard. Penny’s assistants
stifle laughs. Captain falls completely out of his chair in
hysterics.

Penny climbs to her feet, nose badly bloodied, and steps
backward as Karen pursues slowly.

PENNY (CONT'D)
I think I have a concussion. Pretty
sure I am concussed.

Ash winces at the sight. Just then, Captain wanders up,
playing his handheld game.

KAREN
Why did you have to come after me?
You already have the perfect life.
Dream job. Beautiful house. A sweet
son who loves to spend time with
you.

Captain looks up from his game long enough to say...

CAPTAIN
Penny you’re embarrassing yourself.
102.


Karen is stunned.

KAREN
Ummm. Hi. Captain. My daughter has
been watching you since you were
little...

CAPTAIN
O.M.G. The Derp Queen.

Karen pantomimes a little bow.

CAPTAIN (CONT'D)
Let’s address the elephant in the
room... Elephant, why do you have
no pants on?
With that Captain sits down and resumes his game. Without
looking up...

CAPTAIN (CONT'D)
Penny, you’re no better than her.
You’re a joke.

Penny seems genuinely hurt by Captain’s attack. And Karen’s.

Shirley barges over to Captain, and shoulder blocks him into
the slime pit.

PENNY (TO KAREN)
The little shit is right you know.
I’m no better than you.

Karen looks around, suspiciously.

KAREN
You don’t mean that.

Penny continues to backpedal.

PENNY
Maybe it’s the head trauma talking.
Or the toxic chemicals I have
ingested. But I’m a fraud. My life
is a farce. This beautiful house?
It’s a prison. I have strangers
recording every second of every
day. Our channel? I do whatever a
bunch of needy, neglected kids ask
me to do with my entitled troll of
a son.

Captain doesn’t look up, he just flashes her the finger.
103.


PENNY (CONT'D)
It’s my fault. I fell apart after
my husband left. I wanted so badly
to prove to him that I had value.
So I created this fantasy. At the
expense of my son. My own
happiness.

KAREN
And all this time, all I wanted was
to be like you.

PENNY
You wanted to be me? I wish I had
what you had. I watched what you
and your daughter were doing in the
beginning. It felt so... real.

Karen puts down her dukes. She extends her hands, to
telegraph a hug to Penny.

PENNY (CONT'D)
What is this? What are you
doing?

KAREN
Let it happen.

PENNY
This feels like a trap.

Karen shakes her head, and envelopes Penny in a teary bear
hug. As she does, the two step back onto a HUGE, HAND-SHAPED
PLATFORM.

KAREN
This is good. This is natural.

PENNY
Is it?
Ash begins to try to warn them, too late...

KAREN
Hey what’s that clicking
sound.....????

PENNY
No, that’s not a good sound.

In an instant the GIANT HAND scoops up the two women and
catapults them 50 feet through the air. They both fall hard,
overshooting the large pool of water and skidding face-first
across the grass in the back yard.
104.


ASH
Hmmm. We’ll need to recalibrate the
catapult.

Nightshade Supersad and Pete Filardo approach.

NIGHTSHADE
Think they’re dead?

Karen moans and Penny rolls over.

NIGHTSHADE (CONT'D)
Damn...
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy","Action"]

Summary Karen arrives at Penny's house determined to confront her for driving her daughter away. After a chaotic pursuit through an obstacle course, Karen and Penny have a physical altercation where Penny admits to being a fraud. The confrontation ends with both Karen and Penny being knocked unconscious after being catapulted through the air.
Strengths
  • Unique concept
  • Engaging characters
  • Emotional depth
  • Humorous moments
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be too over-the-top for some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, with a good balance of drama, comedy, and action. It keeps the audience entertained and emotionally invested.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a showdown between two flawed characters, Karen and Penny, in a humorous and action-packed setting is innovative and entertaining.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around the confrontation between Karen and Penny, revealing their vulnerabilities and inner struggles.

Originality: 9

The scene is highly original in its portrayal of a chaotic influencer challenge, absurd character interactions, and unexpected plot developments. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel fresh and unique, adding to the comedic and unpredictable nature of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Karen and Penny are well-developed and complex, with layers of emotion and humor. Their interactions drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

Both Karen and Penny undergo some self-realization and growth during the scene, leading to potential character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to confront her own insecurities and flaws, as well as to reconcile with her past mistakes and relationships.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to win the influencer challenge and prove her worth, as well as to confront her rival and come out on top.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Karen and Penny is intense and drives the action of the scene, creating tension and emotional stakes.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts between characters, internal struggles, and external challenges adding tension and drama to the narrative. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the characters will overcome their obstacles.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the physical and emotional confrontation between Karen and Penny add intensity and importance to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by resolving some conflicts and setting up new dynamics between the characters.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of its unexpected character actions, plot developments, and comedic twists. The audience is constantly surprised by the absurd and chaotic events that unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of identity, authenticity, and self-worth. The protagonist and her rival both struggle with their public personas and the facades they have created.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from humor to drama to empathy, making it emotionally impactful for the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is witty, sarcastic, and emotionally charged, adding depth to the characters and enhancing the conflict.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, comedic dialogue, and unexpected plot twists. The interactions between the characters and the high stakes of the influencer challenge keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is fast and energetic, with a good balance of action, dialogue, and character development. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with distinct locations and character actions clearly described. The dialogue is formatted correctly and contributes to the overall flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a chaotic and fast-paced format, with multiple locations and character interactions seamlessly woven together. The scene maintains a clear progression of events and character arcs.


Critique
  • The scene has a lot of chaotic action and multiple characters involved, which can make it difficult to follow and keep track of what's happening.
  • There are instances of repetitive dialogue and actions, such as Karen dropping Penny multiple times and the same interactions being repeated.
  • The tone of the scene shifts rapidly from tense and confrontational to comedic, which can be disorienting for the audience.
  • The dialogue feels forced and lacks depth, with characters delivering lines that don't feel authentic or natural.
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and fails to fully explore the complex dynamics between the characters, such as Karen and Penny's relationship.
Suggestions
  • Simplify the action and focus on key moments to make the scene more coherent and impactful.
  • Develop the dialogue to be more nuanced and reflective of the characters' emotions and motivations.
  • Consider streamlining the interactions between characters to avoid repetition and maintain the audience's engagement.
  • Work on maintaining a consistent tone throughout the scene to ensure a cohesive viewing experience.
  • Explore the emotional depth of the characters and their relationships to add layers to the scene and create a more compelling narrative.



Scene 39 -  Hospital Reconciliation
EXT. CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS
An AMBULANCE SIREN BLARES as Karen and Penny are transported
to the hospital.


INT. KAREN’S HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

Shelly and Simone arrive bearing FLOWERS. Karen lies in her
hospital bed, CAST ON BOTH HER ARMS, getting her bedpan
changed. Simone cringes.

KAREN
I’m sorry you had to see that.

SHELLY
I live in a nursing home. I watch
adults get their asses wiped on the
regular.

Simone’s cringe morphs into horror.

KAREN
What are you guys doing here? Came
to gloat?
Simone rushes up and embraces her mom. It is real and genuine
and perfect. Shelly approaches and covers the two of them in
her arms.

KAREN (CONT'D)
I’m so sorry. I lost myself.

SIMONE
Me too.

KAREN
I did things. I’m so ashamed.
105.


SIMONE
Me too.

SHIRLEY
Me too.


INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT

Penny lies in her room at night alone, in the dark. No
flowers, no cards. A solitary figure appears in the doorway.
It’s Karen, immobilized arms and all. She awkwardly carries
the flowers Shirley gave her and sets it down on Penny’s
hospital room counter.

Penny’s JAW IS WIRED SHUT. She groans when she notices Karen.

KAREN
Did you mean it when you said that
you admired me?

Penny nods yes.

KAREN (CONT'D)
That means a lot. Coming from
someone like you.

KAREN (CONT'D)
Also... Do you mind if I use your
bathroom? I seem to be having a
plumbing issue in my room. Caused
by me. Probably from all the gas
station food I ate on the way to
your house.

Penny tries to decline in vain.

KAREN (CONT'D)
My poor bowel is beyond
‘irritable’. Irate... more like.
Penny pleads with her eyes, mumbling incomprehensibly at the
top of her lungs.

Karen sits in the bathroom with the door open. More muffled
screams.

Karen continues talking, as if she is not on the toilet.

KAREN (CONT'D)
You know, I wouldn’t have connected
with my daughter if it wasn’t for
you.
(MORE)
106.

KAREN (CONT'D)
I wouldn’t have been able to quit
my terrible job. You really have
inspired people. Including me.

Penny sobs softly.

KAREN (CONT'D)
I guess that’s all over now. So...
what’s next for you.

Penny’s soft sob turns into a shuddering, tight-lipped ugly
cry.
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary After being admitted to the hospital, Karen and Penny find themselves in separate rooms. Karen reflects on her past mistakes and apologizes to her daughter, Simone, who embraces her in forgiveness. In Penny's room, Karen expresses her admiration, inspiring Penny to shed tears. Despite Penny's impaired speech, she nods in acknowledgment, symbolizing a newfound bond between the two women.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Sincere dialogue
  • Themes of redemption and reconciliation
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a sense of emotional depth and growth for the characters, drawing the audience in with its sincere and reflective tone.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of redemption and reconciliation is well-executed, providing a meaningful resolution to the conflicts and character arcs established throughout the screenplay.

Plot: 7

While the plot primarily focuses on character development and emotional resolution, it lacks significant action or external conflict. However, the internal conflicts and resolutions are compelling.

Originality: 8.5

The scene presents a fresh approach to themes of forgiveness and redemption, with unique character dynamics and dialogue that feel authentic and engaging. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters show depth and growth, particularly Karen and Penny, as they confront their mistakes and seek forgiveness. Their interactions feel genuine and emotionally resonant.

Character Changes: 8

Both Karen and Penny undergo significant emotional growth and change in the scene, moving towards reconciliation and forgiveness.

Internal Goal: 9

Karen's internal goal in this scene is to seek forgiveness and redemption for her past actions, as she expresses shame and regret to her daughter and friend. This reflects her deeper need for acceptance and reconciliation.

External Goal: 7.5

Karen's external goal is to make amends and show genuine remorse for her past behavior towards Penny. This reflects the immediate challenge of repairing relationships and seeking forgiveness.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the characters grapple with their past actions and seek forgiveness. While there is emotional tension, it is resolved through reconciliation.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the characters face internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs and relationships, creating uncertainty and tension for the audience.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes in the scene are primarily emotional, as the characters grapple with their past mistakes and seek forgiveness. While important for their personal growth, the stakes are not life-threatening or high-action.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene does not significantly advance the external plot, it provides a crucial emotional resolution for the characters and sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in its emotional twists and turns, as the characters navigate complex feelings of guilt, forgiveness, and redemption in unexpected ways.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around themes of forgiveness, redemption, and the impact of one's actions on others. It challenges Karen's beliefs about herself and her ability to change for the better.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of empathy, remorse, and hope as the characters confront their mistakes and seek redemption.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and inner turmoil, adding depth to the scene and highlighting the themes of redemption and reconciliation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, authentic character interactions, and moments of dark humor that create a compelling and relatable portrayal of human relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, with a balance of dialogue and action that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions that enhance the visual and emotional impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively conveys the emotional journey of the characters, with a clear progression of events and dialogue that contribute to the overall narrative.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the characters' emotions and motivations. It's not clear why Karen and Penny are in the hospital or what led to their current situation.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, especially the conversation between Karen and Penny in the hospital room. It could benefit from more authentic and emotionally resonant exchanges.
  • The humor in the scene, particularly around Karen's bathroom issue, feels out of place given the serious tone of the overall situation. It detracts from the emotional weight of the scene.
  • The transition between the two locations, Karen's hospital room and Penny's room, is abrupt and could be smoother to enhance the flow of the scene.
  • The emotional resolution between Karen and Penny feels rushed and lacks depth. More exploration of their relationship and the impact they have had on each other would add layers to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Provide more context and background information to clarify why Karen and Penny are in the hospital and what led to their current state.
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more authentic and emotionally impactful, focusing on the genuine connection between Karen and Penny.
  • Consider toning down the humor and focusing on the emotional core of the scene to maintain consistency in the tone.
  • Smooth out the transition between locations to improve the coherence of the scene.
  • Expand on the emotional resolution between Karen and Penny to deepen their relationship and provide a more satisfying conclusion.



Scene 40 -  Unlikely Reunion
EXT. KAREN’S HOUSE - DAY
Back where she started, Karen cleans up her little home. Her
cell phone RINGS.

SIMONE
Hey mom. I was just checking on
you.

KAREN
Checking on me?


SIMONE
Yeah. I mean I figured today was
going to be tough.

KAREN
I’m so great. It’ll be great.

CUT TO:


INT. KAREN’S CLASSROOM - DAY

Karen stands in front of a NEW CLASS. They all look at her
with expectant faces.
A smug looking boy rises his hand insistently.

KAREN
Good everyone. My name is Ms. S.
And... what is it?

BOY
Aren’t you the YouTube lady?

KAREN
No, that’s somebody else.
107.


BOY
I’m sure it’s you. I heard you were
homeless.

A curly haired girl raises her hand.

GIRL
What does it feel like to have all
your hopes and dreams come crashing
down around you.

Karen looks down at her feet and takes a deep breath.

LATER


INT. KAREN’S CLASSROOM - END OF SCHOOL DAY

Karen packs up her things. She survived. Then, A KNOCK AT THE
DOOR.

KAREN
Go away...

PENNY (O.S.)
Hey guys, it’s me. Penny.

Karen turns to see her former nemesis.

KAREN
What are you doing here?

PENNY
I’m here... to take you out for a
drink.

Karen looks around as if to decline politely.

KAREN
Where is your son?

PENNY
I sent the little shit to a
military school. I didn’t know what
else to do with him.

CUT TO:


EXT. MILITARY SCHOOL CAMPUS - DAY

Captain PANTS AND RUNS in formation in t-shirt and shorts, in
the pouring rain.
108.


KAREN (V.O.)
That seems a little extreme...

PENNY (V.O.)
He’ll be fine. He needs structure.
The brochure says they are going to
bring out whatever is deep down
inside of him.

Captain collapses to the ground and UGLY CRIES as his DRILL
LEADER screams in his ear.


INT. KAREN’S CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS

PENNY
C’mon. You look like you need it so
bad.


INT. CORNER BAR - CONTINUOUS

Penny and Karen are a few deep, sitting in a crowded bar. A
few middle aged drunk ladies dance spastically, while a group
of guys enjoy the show.

PENNY
It’s not the same you know? It’s
like when Christopher Reeves takes
the blue pill and unplugs from the
Matrix...

KAREN
I think you mean Keanu Reeves. He
took the red pill. The blue pill is
what my ex-husband takes. A lot.

Penny spits out her beer, and laughs loud and long.

KAREN (CONT'D)
I know what you mean, though. It’s
like now we are whatever everybody
else says we are. Like Lonica
Melinski.

PENNY
You mean Monica Lewinski?

KAREN
That’s what I said. Nonica
Vidinski. She messed up. Well
technically Bill Clinton is the one
that messed up.
109.


PENNY
All over that blue dress.

Karen grows serious.

KAREN
And that’s all anybody knows her
for. Her mistake.

PENNY
That shit is not fair. He gets a
Presidential library. She gets the
shaft. Again.

The drunken ladies have taken notice of Karen and Penny.
Their boldest representative steps up to their table.

DRUNK WOMAN
Hey, aren’t you...?

PENNY
Yes I am.

KAREN
No I’m not.

The drunk woman shakes it off.

DRUNK WOMAN
You guys! It’s them!

Penny throws a finger in the air.

PENNY
I have an idea. Follow me.

Penny drags Karen to the modest DANCE FLOOR. The drunken
ladies go NUTS, and start to drag the slack-jawed guys out
onto the now crowded dance floor. Penny hands her iPhone to
the bartender.

PENNY (CONT'D)
When I point, you hit the red
button ok?

Karen gets the gist.

KAREN
Penny, no. No more videos. I’m
retired.

Penny grabs Karen by the hands.
110.


PENNY
I haven’t had a female friend
in.... Well never.

KAREN
Me neither. Besides my mom. Or my
daughter. Does she count?

PENNY
No! I mean like a ride-or-die.
Somebody that doesn’t try to put
you in a box and just sees you.
Flaws and all.

Karen looks stunned.

KAREN
You want me? For that?

PENNY
I came here for that. For you. Who
else knows what I have been
through?

Karen signals the bartender.

KAREN
What do you want me to do?
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary As Karen navigates her new life as a teacher, she's confronted by a student about her past homelessness. Penny, her former nemesis, reappears and invites her for a drink. Over cocktails, they commiserate about the lasting effects of their viral videos on their lives. Penny shares her struggles as a parent and Karen her isolation. Despite their rocky past, they find solace in each other's shared experiences and agree to a newfound friendship.
Strengths
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Low conflict level
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, reflection, and positive sentiment to create an engaging and emotionally resonant moment.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of two former enemies finding common ground and forming a genuine connection is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the evolving relationship between Karen and Penny, providing depth and emotional resonance to their characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh and unexpected situations, such as Karen's encounter with her former nemesis and the drunken ladies at the bar. The dialogue feels authentic and relatable, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Karen and Penny are well-developed characters with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions feel authentic and engaging.

Character Changes: 7

Both Karen and Penny experience growth and change through their interaction, leading to a deeper understanding of themselves and each other.

Internal Goal: 8

Karen's internal goal in this scene is to find a sense of belonging and acceptance after hitting rock bottom. She wants to feel understood and valued for who she is, flaws and all.

External Goal: 7

Karen's external goal is to navigate her new reality and rebuild her life after losing everything. She is also faced with the challenge of dealing with her former nemesis, Penny.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The scene has a low level of conflict, focusing more on character development and emotional connection.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Karen facing judgment and scrutiny from her students, Penny, and the drunken ladies. The audience is left wondering how Karen will navigate these challenges.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on personal growth and connection rather than external conflicts.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene doesn't significantly move the main plot forward, it adds depth to the characters and sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in Karen's interactions with her students, Penny, and the drunken ladies at the bar. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around societal expectations and the unfair judgment placed on individuals for their mistakes. It challenges Karen's belief in redemption and second chances.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from humor to nostalgia to hope, making it emotionally impactful.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is witty, humorous, and reveals insights into the characters' emotions and growth.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mix of emotional depth, humor, and relatable character interactions. The audience is drawn into Karen's journey and invested in her relationships with other characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of dialogue, action, and reflection. It keeps the audience engaged and maintains a sense of momentum throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, adhering to the expected format for its genre. The dialogue is properly formatted and the scene descriptions are concise.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined beats and transitions. It effectively moves the narrative forward while developing the characters and their relationships.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and direction, jumping between different locations and conversations without a cohesive thread.
  • The dialogue feels disjointed and lacks depth, with characters making random comments that don't contribute to the overall narrative.
  • The transition between scenes is abrupt and confusing, making it hard for the audience to follow the story.
  • The interactions between Karen and Penny feel forced and unnatural, lacking emotional depth and authenticity.
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or climax, leaving the audience hanging without a satisfying conclusion.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing a clear and coherent storyline for the scene, with a central conflict or theme that drives the interactions between the characters.
  • Work on improving the dialogue to make it more engaging, meaningful, and reflective of the characters' personalities and motivations.
  • Consider streamlining the scene by eliminating unnecessary details and focusing on the core relationship between Karen and Penny.
  • Add more emotional depth and authenticity to the interactions between Karen and Penny, allowing their friendship to evolve naturally and believably.
  • Ensure the scene has a clear resolution or climax that provides closure and leaves the audience with a sense of satisfaction.



Scene 41 -  Global Dance of Reconciliation and Joy
INT. VARIOUS HOUSES – VARIOUS ROOMS – DAY


MONTAGE AS KIDS AROUND THE WORLD WATCH THE SAME TIKTOK VIDEO:

— A GIRL HIDES BEHIND A COUCH WATCHING HER PHONE, AS HER DAD
IS HYPNOTIZED BY THE TV.

— A BOY ON A LAPTOP GAZES AT THE VIDEO WHILE HIS PARENTS
ARGUE VIOLENTLY.

— 3 SIBLINGS, EACH SITTING NEXT TO EACH OTHER AT THE DINNER
TABLE. EACH WATCHING ON THEIR PHONE, WHILE THEIR MOM IS
OUTSIDE ON THE PORCH, SMOKING A CIGARETTE.


— THE BOY WATCHES THE SCREEN.

It’s PENNY, SWAYING TO CHICAGO’S “HARD TO SAY I’M SORRY”,
SURROUNDED BY DRUNKEN DANCERS.

SUPERIMPOSE: WHEN YOU REALIZE YOUR MORTAL ENEMY IS JUST LIKE
YOU
111.


Penny and Karen slow dance.

SUPERIMPOSE: WHEN YOU REALIZE YOU JUST MADE A COOL NEW FRIEND

THE MUSIC CHANGES TO PUMPING HOUSE MUSIC. KAREN AND PENNY
ROCK OUT, AS THE OTHER DANCERS GO CRAZY. It’s not pretty,
it’s not strictly RHYTHMICAL. But it is honest and it is
JOYFUL.

MONTAGE

The TIKTOK GOES VIRAL. Better, it becomes a TREND. COPYCAT
VIDEOS pop up everywhere. Ordinary people burying the
hatchet. Including:

-SIMONE, who wears an ULTRA-NERDY COSPLAY COSTUME

SUPERIMPOSE: WHEN YOU REALIZE BEING COOL MEANS BEING YOURSELF

Simone and Piper ROCK OUT IN COSTUME.

-BRYSTON AND HIS CLASS

SUPERIMPOSE: WHEN YOU REALIZE YOUR DERPY TEACHER IS A
ROCKSTAR

Bryston and his class ROCK OUT with Karen and Mr. Nuds

-REESE HOLDING STACKS OF CASH, ACCOMPANIED BY BREE

SUPERIMPOSE: WHEN YOU LOSE YOUR STEADY GIG BECAUSE YOU HAVE
“OVERPERFORMED”, AND YOU REALIZE YOUR UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK JUST
ARRIVED

Reese and Bree ROCK OUT, as Reese “makes it rain”

-SHIRLEY, SURROUNDED BY RESIDENTS OF HER NURSING HOME

SUPERIMPOSE: WHEN YOUR NEIGHBORS SURVIVE ANOTHER DAY, AND YOU
REALIZE THEY ARE YOUR FRIENDS

Shirley and her friends ROCK OUT with the nursing home staff
Genres: ["Drama","Comedy"]

Summary A viral TikTok dance between Penny and Karen inspires a worldwide trend of people burying the hatchet with their enemies or finding unexpected joy. From cosplayers to nursing home residents, people from all walks of life create copycat videos, showcasing the power of dance and music to unite and humanize.
Strengths
  • Heartwarming reconciliation
  • Effective use of humor and emotion
  • Memorable viral trend concept
Weaknesses
  • Lack of intense conflict
  • Slightly predictable resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines humor, emotion, and character growth to create a memorable and impactful moment.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using a viral TikTok trend to bring together characters who have a complicated history is innovative and engaging.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around the characters reconciling through dance, which is both entertaining and emotionally resonant.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar trope of a viral trend, showcasing how technology can bring people together in unexpected ways. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show growth and vulnerability as they let go of past animosities and embrace a new friendship.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant growth and transformation as they let go of grudges and embrace a new beginning.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find connection and joy through music and dance, despite any personal struggles or conflicts they may be facing. This reflects their deeper desire for acceptance, friendship, and self-expression.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to participate in the viral TikTok trend and experience the sense of community and unity that comes with it. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances of the trend and the challenges of overcoming personal barriers to join in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

While there is tension between the characters due to their past, the scene focuses more on resolution and reconciliation.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with the characters facing personal challenges and societal expectations that they must overcome to participate in the viral trend. The audience is kept on their toes as they root for the characters to succeed.

High Stakes: 4

While the stakes are not extremely high in this scene, the emotional stakes for the characters are significant.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by resolving conflicts and setting the stage for new relationships and dynamics.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it subverts expectations by showing how seemingly ordinary people can come together in unexpected ways through a shared experience. The characters' reactions and the development of the trend keep the audience guessing about what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the idea of self-acceptance and authenticity versus societal expectations and judgments. The characters must navigate their own identities and desires while also conforming to or challenging societal norms.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from joy to nostalgia to bittersweetness, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is lighthearted and reflective, capturing the characters' emotions and the theme of forgiveness.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it captures the audience's attention with its relatable characters, humor, and emotional moments. The progression of the viral trend and the characters' reactions create a sense of anticipation and connection.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of humor, emotion, and action. The rhythm of the montage and the progression of the trend create a dynamic and engaging flow that keeps the audience invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, using montage and superimposed text to convey the passage of time and the characters' emotional journey.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a global montage of kids watching a TikTok video, which sets a broad and relatable context for the subsequent events.
  • The transition to Penny and Karen slow dancing is a powerful moment of realization and connection between mortal enemies, but the buildup to this moment could be more impactful.
  • The montage of ordinary people joining the trend is heartwarming and adds depth to the scene, showcasing the positive impact of reconciliation and authenticity.
  • The use of superimposed text to highlight key themes and messages is effective in conveying the emotional journey of the characters.
  • The scene effectively captures the essence of finding common ground and forming unexpected friendships through shared experiences.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more build-up to the moment when Penny and Karen start dancing, to enhance the emotional impact of their reconciliation.
  • Explore ways to visually represent the global impact of the TikTok trend, perhaps by showing snippets of the copycat videos from different parts of the world.
  • Ensure that the dialogue between Karen and Penny during their dance reflects their newfound understanding and friendship, adding depth to their interaction.
  • Consider incorporating more visual elements or actions to enhance the joy and authenticity of the dance scene, making it a memorable and heartwarming moment.
  • Continue to use superimposed text effectively to reinforce key themes and messages throughout the scene, adding layers of meaning to the characters' journey.



Scene 42 -  Simone's Adventure Begins
INT. SIMONE’S ROOM - NIGHT

On the bed, SIMONE SCHITZLINGER, sits smiling, transfixed by
the TIKTOK video she is watching on her tablet. It’s her mom
and Penny.

Just then, Karen enters the room.

KAREN
You ready?
112.


Simone TOSSES the IPAD on her bed and mother and daughter
leave together on some new adventure.

SIMONE
Let’s make a memory.


THE END
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary Simone excitedly prepares to embark on an adventure with her mother, Karen. As they leave her room, they share a moment of joy and anticipation for the memories they will create.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Resolution of conflicts
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Predictable resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively wraps up the emotional arcs of the characters, delivering a heartwarming and hopeful conclusion.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of forgiveness, redemption, and starting anew is well-executed, providing closure to the characters' journeys.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the emotional resolution between Karen and Simone, moving towards a positive and uplifting conclusion.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh approach to the theme of family bonding and the importance of creating memories. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Karen and Simone show growth and reconciliation, deepening their relationship and providing a satisfying character arc.

Character Changes: 8

Both Karen and Simone undergo significant emotional growth and change, leading to a deeper connection between them.

Internal Goal: 8

Simone's internal goal is to create lasting memories with her mother. This reflects her desire for connection, love, and meaningful experiences.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to embark on a new adventure with her mother. This reflects the immediate circumstances of the scene and the challenge of stepping out of their comfort zone.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The conflict is minimal in this scene, focusing more on resolution and emotional closure.

Opposition: 5

The opposition in the scene is minimal, as the conflict is more internal and emotional rather than external.

High Stakes: 4

While the stakes are not high in terms of action or danger, the emotional stakes are significant for the characters' relationship.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by resolving the central conflict between Karen and Simone, setting the stage for a new beginning.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is predictable in its outcome of the characters leaving on a new adventure, but the emotional depth and authenticity keep the audience invested.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the desire for adventure and the comfort of routine. Simone must balance her need for new experiences with her attachment to familiar surroundings.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of warmth, reconciliation, and hope.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is heartfelt and meaningful, emphasizing the emotional connection between Karen and Simone.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it captures the audience's emotions and draws them into the intimate moment between mother and daughter.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building emotional tension and leading to the resolution of the characters' decision to go on an adventure.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper spacing, dialogue formatting, and scene descriptions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene lacks depth and resolution compared to the previous scenes in the script. It feels rushed and doesn't provide closure to the overall story.
  • There is a missed opportunity to explore the emotional journey of the characters, especially Karen and Simone, after the intense confrontation with Penny.
  • The dialogue between Karen and Simone is quite generic and doesn't reflect the emotional weight of the previous events in the script.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues or actions to convey the characters' emotions and the significance of their decision to 'make a memory.'
  • The transition from the intense confrontation with Penny to a simple 'Let's make a memory' feels abrupt and doesn't tie up the storyline effectively.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of reflection or dialogue between Karen and Simone to address the aftermath of the confrontation with Penny and how it has impacted their relationship.
  • Enhance the emotional depth of the scene by incorporating gestures, expressions, or actions that convey the characters' feelings and the importance of the moment.
  • Provide more context or build-up to the decision to 'make a memory' to give the scene a stronger sense of purpose and resolution.
  • Explore the internal struggles and growth of the characters in this final scene to create a more satisfying conclusion to the script.
  • Consider revisiting the dialogue between Karen and Simone to make it more poignant and reflective of their journey throughout the script.