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Scene 1 -  Noah Takes the Mound
EXT. LITTLE LEAGUE BASEBALL GAME - DAY (2016)

Sounds of a baseball field echo in the background as a bright
light fills the screen, pulling back to reveal NOAH ROCKFORD,
twelve years old. He looks away from the glare of the sun and
stares down at the baseball resting in the palm of his small
hand. Noah grips the baseball tightly, leans on the dugout
fence and watches the action on the field, waiting.


EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

ANDREW HOOVER wipes the dripping sweat from his forehead.
Cowering and small, he is on the mound pitching for the
Warrior’s baseball team. The sun beats down, and the scoreboard
looms behind him, revealing a 7-6 baseball game. Runners are on
first and second with two outs. He looks like he is about to
cry.


EXT. BEHIND BATTER’S BOX - CONTINUOUS

Andrew’s Dad, TRIPP HOOVER, animated, imitates throwing a
baseball. He desperately tries to coach his son from the
sidelines, but it’s only making things worse.

TRIPP
Come on Andrew. Take deep breaths.
Throw a strike! Get out front!
Snap your wrist! Finish it! You
can do it!


EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Andrew, mortified, inhales loudly. He winds up, throws the ball
and makes an awkward wrist snap motion. The ball hits the dirt
three feet from home plate, barely avoiding the passed ball.

UMPIRE
Take your base.


EXT. DUGOUT - CONTINUOUS

Noah grabs his mitt, anxious to take the mound.


EXT. BALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS

Bases are now loaded. Andrew starts sobbing.
2.

COACH
Time!

COACH WALKER heads out to the mound.

TRIPP
(yelling)
You can’t take him out! He just
came in for relief! Are you
kidding me? He just needs one more
out to win this!

The coach walks up to the mound. Andrew hands him the baseball.

ANDREW
What took you so long? I’m dying
out here.

Coach Walker turns to the dugout and waves in a player.

COACH
Rockford!


EXT. DUGOUT - CONTINUOUS

Noah, stepping out of the dugout, takes the field. His
confidence and swagger is on full display. Noah passes Andrew
on the way to the mound and gives him a fist bump.

NOAH
You’ll get ‘em next time.

ANDREW
Thanks Noah.


EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

The coach places the ball in Noah’s mitt. Noah is all game
face.

COACH
Take us home, kid.

Noah carefully rearranges the dirt on the mound with his left
foot. He looks like a seasoned veteran, making sure everything
is just the way he likes it.

Noah looks to the stands and is distracted. Noah steps off of
the mound towards the distraction.
3.

EXT. STANDS - CONTINUOUS

Noah’s parents, RITA ROCKFORD and CAIN ROCKFORD are having a
heated argument. Rita instinctively raises her arms, a
defensive gesture shielding her face, as Cain’s grip tightens
around her wrist, pulling her towards him in a fraught moment.

RITA
I’m sorry..please..not here.

Rita looks over to Noah, nervously smiles and waves. Cain stops
and looks at Noah, lets go of Rita’s arm and steps back.


EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Noah gathers himself and channels his focus amidst the turmoil.
He digs his back foot firmly into the rubber, fixing his gaze
upon the batter with unwavering determination.


EXT. BATTER’S BOX - CONTINUOUS

The first batter stands in the batter’s box, trembling.


EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Noah’s heart pounds as he winds up with all of the force and
might that he has and hurls the ball towards the batter.

CUT TO:


EXT. BATTER'S BOX - DAY (2021)

Time jump, 5 years later.

The high school BATTER swings big and misses.

UMPIRE
Strike two!


EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Noah, 16 years old, has doubled in size. His hair is long,
sticking out well below his baseball cap.

NOAH
(pumping his fist)
Let’s go!!
4.

EXT. PITCHER’S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Noah plants his rear foot in the rubber, winds up and fires a
curve ball at the batter. The batter hits a hard, line drive
back to Noah. He makes an impossible catch as his mitt flies
off his hand from the force of the hard-hit ball.

Noah spins, grabs the ball from the mitt, and fires the ball to
first base, making an exciting final out.
Genres: ["Drama","Sports"]

Summary In a Little League game, young Andrew struggles on the mound with his father's pressure-filled coaching. Noah confidently steps in and pitches, leading to a time jump where he makes an impressive final out as a high school pitcher.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel cliched or predictable

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension, showcases character development, and delivers an emotional payoff, making it engaging and impactful.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a young pitcher facing a high-pressure situation in a baseball game is well-executed, with added layers of family dynamics and personal growth.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-structured, with clear stakes and a satisfying resolution. The introduction of the time jump adds depth to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the classic sports underdog story, with a focus on internal struggles and family dynamics. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations. The relationship between Noah, Andrew, and their parents adds depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Both Noah and Andrew experience growth and change during the scene, with Noah stepping up to the challenge and Andrew learning from his mistakes.

Internal Goal: 8

Noah's internal goal is to prove himself as a capable and confident pitcher, showcasing his skills and determination.

External Goal: 7

Noah's external goal is to win the baseball game for his team by making the final out.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Andrew's struggle on the mound and Noah's determination to save the game creates a compelling dynamic.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Noah facing challenges from the opposing team, his own doubts, and the pressure from his coach and parents.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the baseball game, combined with the personal struggles of the characters, create a sense of urgency and importance.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by resolving the conflict on the field and setting up future developments for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the baseball game, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict is between Noah's belief in his abilities and the pressure from his parents and coach to perform under high stakes.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and anxiety to relief and triumph, making it emotionally impactful.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotions of the scene, showcasing the characters' inner struggles and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, relatable characters, and intense sports action. The audience is invested in Noah's journey and the outcome of the game.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension and excitement, leading to a satisfying resolution. The rhythm of the action and dialogue keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a sports drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the tension and excitement of the game.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a strong visual of Noah watching a baseball game, but the transition to Andrew struggling on the mound feels a bit abrupt.
  • The dialogue between Andrew and his father, Tripp, could be more nuanced to show the pressure Andrew is under and the dynamic between them.
  • Noah's entrance to the mound is well done, showcasing his confidence and sportsmanship, but the distraction with his parents' argument feels forced.
  • The time jump to 5 years later is effective in showing Noah's growth and skill, but the final out being a line drive catch and throw to first seems a bit too dramatic.
  • The scene could benefit from more subtlety in portraying Noah's talent and the emotional turmoil he may be experiencing.
  • The presence of Noah's parents in the stands adds an interesting layer to the scene, but their argument and Noah's distraction could be more seamlessly integrated into the narrative.
  • Overall, the scene sets up Noah as a talented and confident player, but could use more depth in character development and emotional resonance.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the transitions between different moments in the scene to make them more seamless and organic.
  • Focus on developing the relationships between the characters, especially Andrew and his father, to add more depth to their dynamics.
  • Explore ways to show Noah's growth and skill in a more subtle and realistic manner, avoiding overly dramatic moments.
  • Integrate the emotional elements of the scene, such as Noah's parents' argument, in a more nuanced and cohesive way to enhance the overall impact.
  • Work on balancing the showcasing of Noah's talent with the emotional depth of the scene to create a more engaging and relatable narrative.



Scene 2 -  A Bitter Reunion
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS

The players on the field erupt and the crowd explodes in
cheers.

Noah’s teammates swarm the mound in celebration of the victory.
Sixteen year-old Andrew Hoover is the first one to congratulate
Noah.

ANDREW
Saved my ass, again!

NOAH
You’ll get ‘em next time, Andrew.


EXT. STANDS - CONTINUOUS

Rita sits alone in the stands, her fervent support directed
towards Noah. Cain is conspicuously absent.


EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - LATER

Noah and Rita walk to Rita’s car.

NOAH
...my arm was starting to get
tired at the end.

RITA
We can ice it when we get home.
The scout from Ole’ Miss was
watching. And Clemson.

NOAH
...Coach said The Yankees were
there...

RITA
..You’re going to college, then
the Yankees...

Rita and Noah have had this conversation before.
5.

They are a few steps into the parking lot when they run into
Cain, alone and imposing, standing next to their car. They stop
dead in their tracks.

RITA
Noah, get in the car.

Noah stands his ground, ignoring his mother. Cain takes a step
towards them.

CAIN
Hi. You pitched a great game.

Noah’s fingers tighten around the bat’s handle as he moves
resolutely forward, positioning himself protectively between
his mother and Cain. Cain instinctively steps back. Noah has
grown into a formidable presence.

CAIN
I’m not trying to cause trouble. I
just wanted to say I’m sorry. For
everything. I know I did a lot
wrong.... It’s been hard living
with that. I would do anything to
take it all back. I don’t expect
you to forgive me, but I’ve
changed. I go to meetings every
day...sometimes twice a day and
I’ve got my life back on track.

Rita puts her hand on Noah’s shoulder.

RITA
That’s good to hear.

NOAH
Mom, let’s go.

Noah opens the car door, and Rita gets in the driver’s seat.
Noah walks around the other side and opens the passenger door.

Cain is desperate to get his son’s attention.

CAIN
You’re not getting out front.

NOAH
What?

CAIN
Your pitches. You need to release
out front. You’ll get more
velocity on your pitches.
(MORE)
6.

CAIN (CONT’D)
Sometimes you’re a little bit
behind.

Noah stops and steps towards Cain. Rita watches from the safety
of the car.

NOAH
I’m not getting out front? Really?

CAIN
Yes. You’re dropping your elbow.

NOAH
Oh. And I guess that’s something
you can help me with.

CAIN
I think so. I can get you to the
next level.

NOAH
(shaking his head)
No. See, I watched your film, to
study why you didn’t make it in
this game. And I discovered, in
addition to you being an abusive
prick, your pitching mechanics
sucked.

Noah steps closer to Cain and gets in his personal space.

NOAH (CONT’D)
Does that make you angry? Remember
how you would do this to Mom? Get
all up close, threaten her? Hurt
her? Hurt me?

Cain clenches his fists. Noah sees this.

NOAH (CONT’D)
(taunting)
Come on, take a swing at me.

Noah takes a step back into a fighting stance. Cain looks at
his son, but then backs down. Noah’s not so little anymore.

NOAH (CONT’D)
I didn’t think so.

Noah starts walking back to the car.

CAIN
Please, Noah...I’m sorry.
(MORE)
7.

CAIN (CONT’D)
You and your mother were the best
things in my life...please.

Noah climbs into the passenger seat.
Genres: ["Drama","Sports"]

Summary After his team wins the game, Noah celebrates with his teammates on the field. His mother, Rita, watches from the stands and they later discuss Noah's future in baseball. Noah and Rita are interrupted by Noah's estranged father, Cain, who apologizes for his past behavior and offers to help Noah with his pitching. Noah initially rejects Cain but eventually agrees to let him help. Cain and Noah have a tense moment but Cain backs down and the scene ends with Noah agreeing to let Cain help him with his pitching.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched moments
  • Slightly predictable resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and emotionally charged, with strong character development and conflict resolution. The tension between the characters is palpable, and the dialogue is impactful.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of confronting past abuse and seeking redemption is powerful and well-executed. The scene effectively explores the complexities of family relationships and personal growth.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the confrontation between Noah and his father, Cain, leading to a resolution of their strained relationship. The conflict is intense and drives the emotional core of the scene.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the father-son dynamic, exploring themes of forgiveness, redemption, and personal growth in a sports setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic and emotionally resonant. Noah's growth from a vulnerable child to a confident young man is compelling, while Cain's attempt at redemption adds depth to his character.

Character Changes: 8

Noah undergoes significant growth in the scene, asserting himself against his father and standing up to past abuse. Cain also shows signs of change and remorse, hinting at a potential redemption arc.

Internal Goal: 9

Noah's internal goal is to protect his mother and assert his independence and strength in the face of his abusive father, Cain.

External Goal: 8

Noah's external goal is to navigate the complex relationship with his father, Cain, and assert his boundaries while maintaining his composure.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Noah and Cain is intense and emotionally charged, driving the scene forward and creating a sense of tension and resolution. The stakes are high as the characters confront their past and seek closure.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Noah facing a difficult choice between forgiveness and self-preservation in his interactions with his father, Cain.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Noah confronts his abusive father and asserts his independence and self-worth. The outcome of their interaction has significant implications for their relationship and future interactions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by resolving the conflict between Noah and Cain, setting the stage for further character development and exploration of family dynamics. The resolution of their confrontation opens up new possibilities for the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics and emotional conflict between the characters. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the confrontation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around forgiveness, redemption, and the impact of past actions on present relationships. Noah must grapple with the idea of forgiveness and whether his father's apologies are genuine.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of tension, regret, and defiance. The audience is drawn into the characters' emotional journey and the resolution of their conflict is satisfying and cathartic.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is intense, emotional, and reveals the characters' inner turmoil and conflicting emotions. The confrontation between Noah and Cain is the highlight of the scene, showcasing their complex relationship.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense emotional conflict, sharp dialogue, and high stakes. The audience is drawn into the complex relationships and dynamics between the characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, building tension and emotional depth through a balance of dialogue and action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, effectively conveying the emotional beats and character dynamics.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-defined structure, moving seamlessly between dialogue and action to build tension and emotional depth.


Critique
  • The scene effectively portrays the tension between Noah, his mother Rita, and his father Cain, creating a palpable sense of conflict and unease.
  • Noah's growth and assertiveness are well depicted through his body language and dialogue, showing his transformation from a vulnerable child to a strong young man.
  • The dialogue between Noah and Cain is intense and confrontational, adding depth to their strained relationship and highlighting Noah's refusal to accept his father's apologies.
  • The scene effectively conveys the emotional complexity of the situation, with Noah's conflicting feelings towards his father and his mother's attempt to maintain peace.
  • The use of physical proximity and body language enhances the tension between Noah and Cain, creating a powerful visual representation of their strained dynamic.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for Noah to provide insight into his conflicting feelings towards his father and his struggle to navigate the situation.
  • Explore Rita's emotional turmoil and inner conflict in more depth to add layers to her character and highlight the complexity of her relationship with Cain and Noah.
  • Provide a resolution or closure to the scene to show the impact of Noah's confrontation with Cain and how it affects their future interactions.
  • Consider incorporating subtle gestures or actions to convey the characters' emotions and intentions more subtly, adding depth to the scene.
  • Focus on the aftermath of the confrontation to explore the emotional aftermath for Noah, Rita, and Cain, providing a more nuanced portrayal of their complex family dynamics.



Scene 3 -  Noah's Resolve
INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS

Rita takes a deep breath.

RITA
You ok?

NOAH
I’m good. Let’s go.

Rita drives off, leaving Cain standing alone in the parking
lot.


EXT. AN EMPTY BALL FIELD - DAY

Noah is alone, on the mound. He has a bucket of balls and
practices throwing into a net. One after the other, Noah throws
but is missing slightly. He stops throwing, squats down to the
ground and puts his head between his hands.

BEGIN FLASHBACK:


INT. NOAH’S BEDROOM - NIGHT (2016)

Rita lies in bed, head raised, a jagged cut marring her
forehead. Noah sleeps on the floor beside her, vigilant,
clutching a baseball bat.

A door slams. Noah darts up and hears his drunk Dad enter the
house.

CAIN(O.S)
Rita! Where are you? Noah? Where’s
your Mom?

Rita sits up in bed. She looks at Noah on the floor. His heart
is pounding.

RITA
Don’t worry. I can handle this.
Lock the door.

Rita gets out of the bed.

NOAH
...no Mom!
8.

RITA
It’s ok. Don’t worry. I can calm
him down. If things get out of
hand, I want you to run to the
neighbors. Understood?

CAIN (O.S.)
Rita? Where are you?

Rita goes into the hallway, leaving Noah behind.


INT. HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER

Rita sees Cain come out of the bedroom.

RITA
I fell asleep in Noah’s room.

Rita walks past Cain and goes into the kitchen. Cain follows.


INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Rita opens the refrigerator and takes out some food.

RITA
Is it cold out? Temperature is
supposed to drop tonight. You
hungry?

She takes food out of the refrigerator and places it on the
counter. Cain walks over to Rita and gets in her space.

RITA
You want something to drink?

Rita tries to turn away, but Cain forcefully grabs her arm.

CAIN
Sleeping in Noah’s room. That’s
fucked up. You’re turning that boy
into a faggot.

His grip tightens. He towers over her.

RITA
Let’s just dial this down. It’s
late and Noah’s sleeping...
(begging)
Please stop. That hurts.

He squeezes tighter. Rita lets out a scream of pain.
9.

CAIN
Shut up!

Cain puts is hand around her throat and starts to strangle her.
Rita gasps for air. JUST THEN...Noah flies up behind his Dad
and hits him as hard as he can with the baseball bat. Cain goes
down. Rita falls down with him.

Noah drops the bat and rushes to help Rita get up.

NOAH
Run!

Rita stumbles down the hallway. Noah is right behind her when
suddenly Cain grabs him by the ankle and yanks him to the
ground. Noah kicks wildly trying to get away. Rita is all the
way at the door, screaming.

RITA
Leave him alone!! Stop!!

Noah’s hand fumbles for the bat that is only slightly out of
reach.

Noah kicks Cain in the face, reaches for the bat, grabs it and
takes a swing, connecting with his Dad’s shoulder. It’s enough
to get away and he is able to run out the door with his mother.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Noah and his mother escape Cain's abuse. Noah practices baseball, haunted by memories of protecting his mother from Cain's violence.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intense conflict
  • Character development
  • Powerful themes
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Traumatic content

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally charged, gripping, and effectively conveys the intense conflict and emotional turmoil within the characters. It sets up a powerful narrative arc and leaves a lasting impact on the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of confronting past trauma and seeking redemption is compelling and drives the emotional core of the scene. It explores complex family dynamics and the struggle to break free from a cycle of abuse, adding depth and layers to the characters.

Plot: 8

The plot is driven by the confrontation between Noah, Rita, and Cain, revealing the dark history of abuse and the characters' emotional journey towards forgiveness and healing. It sets up a significant turning point in the narrative and adds depth to the character development.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh and authentic portrayal of domestic violence and its impact on a family, with realistic and raw dialogue and actions that feel true to life. The characters' reactions and interactions are nuanced and complex, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotional struggles are palpable, especially Noah's resilience and Rita's strength in the face of adversity. Cain's complex nature as an abusive father seeking redemption adds layers to the conflict and emotional depth of the scene.

Character Changes: 9

Noah undergoes a significant emotional transformation in the scene, from a traumatized boy to a resilient young man standing up to his abusive father. Rita also shows strength and resilience in confronting Cain and protecting her son, showcasing her growth and determination.

Internal Goal: 9

Noah's internal goal in this scene is to protect his mother and himself from his abusive father. This reflects his deeper need for safety, security, and a sense of control in a chaotic and dangerous situation.

External Goal: 8

Noah's external goal in this scene is to physically defend his mother and himself from his father's violence. This reflects the immediate challenge of survival and escape from a dangerous situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and emotionally charged, stemming from the dark history of abuse and the characters' internal struggles. The confrontation between Noah, Rita, and Cain creates a high-stakes situation that drives the emotional tension and narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with a clear and formidable obstacle in the form of Cain's abusive behavior. The audience is kept in suspense as to how the characters will overcome this challenge, adding to the dramatic tension.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as Noah confronts his abusive father, Rita stands up to Cain, and the characters grapple with past trauma and the possibility of redemption. The emotional and physical risks are significant, adding tension and urgency to the confrontation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial backstory, deepening the characters' emotional arcs, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions. It adds layers to the narrative and drives the character development towards a resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and twists in the characters' interactions, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of the outcome. The dynamic and evolving conflict adds to the suspense and tension.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between Cain's abusive and violent behavior and Rita's attempts to de-escalate the situation. This challenges Noah's beliefs about family, love, and protection, as he is forced to confront the reality of his father's abuse.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene has a profound emotional impact on the audience, evoking fear, anger, empathy, and resilience. It delves into the characters' emotional turmoil, trauma, and the complexities of their relationships, leaving a lasting impression on the viewers.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension, fear, and emotional turmoil within the characters, adding depth to their relationships and inner conflicts. It drives the narrative forward and reveals the characters' motivations and emotional states.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high emotional stakes, intense action, and complex character dynamics. The audience is drawn into the suspenseful and dramatic situation, rooting for the protagonist and feeling the impact of the conflict.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of conflict leading to a climactic moment of action. The rhythm of the scene enhances the emotional impact and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions that enhance the readability and flow of the script.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of action and resolution. The flashback sequence adds depth to the characters' motivations and relationships, enhancing the overall narrative.


Critique
  • The scene effectively creates tension and emotion through the flashback of Noah defending his mother from Cain's abuse.
  • The dialogue and actions between Rita, Noah, and Cain are intense and impactful, showcasing the dynamics of their troubled family relationship.
  • The scene effectively conveys the trauma and fear Noah experienced during the abusive incident, adding depth to his character and motivations.
  • The use of flashback adds layers to the story and helps the audience understand the complex dynamics within Noah's family.
  • The scene effectively sets up the conflict and emotional stakes for Noah, setting the stage for his character development and growth.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual cues to enhance the intensity of the scene, such as focusing on Noah's facial expressions and body language during the flashback.
  • Explore ways to further develop Rita's character and her relationship with Noah and Cain to provide more context and depth to the family dynamics.
  • Consider incorporating more sensory details to immerse the audience in the emotional intensity of the scene, such as describing the sounds of the struggle and the tension in the air.
  • Ensure a clear transition back to the present timeline after the flashback to maintain the flow of the story.
  • Consider exploring the aftermath of the flashback in the present timeline to show how it continues to impact Noah's character and relationships.



Scene 4 -  Family Torn Apart
EXT. ROCKFORD HOUSE - NIGHT

Sirens can be heard off in the distance. Police lights flash in
the background as Noah helps his mother walk. The neighbor runs
out of his house and helps them to safety.

NEIGHBOR
I heard the commotion and called
the police.

Cain stumbles out onto the porch, yelling.

CAIN
Get back here you bitch!

NEIGHBOR
Oh my God! Hurry!

Rita is struggling to stay on her feet as the neighbor helps
them to his house. Two police cars pull up and four officers
jump out. They are able to stop Cain, tackling him to the
ground before he can do more damage.
10.

CAIN
(yelling)
That bitch had it coming! I didn’t
touch her!

The officers pin Cain down and place him in handcuffs. Noah
stops and looks at his Dad, pathetic, on the ground.

CAIN (CONT’D)
He hit me with a baseball bat.

Noah looks so small compared to his father. He is breathing
heavily, tears in his eyes.

NOAH
He was killing my mother!

The officers pick Cain up off of the ground by the handcuffs.
He howls in pain.

POLICE OFFICER
Let’s go. You’re under arrest.

Noah never takes his eyes off of his father as the police drag
him away.

END FLASHBACK.


EXT. AN EMPTY BALL FIELD - DAY

Noah shakes his head, grabs another baseball, and throws into
the net.

CAIN (O.S.)
More from the shoulders.

Noah turns, startled by Cain’s presence. Trying to ignore his
Dad, he grabs another baseball and continues throwing, still
missing slightly.

CAIN (CONT’D)
Use your legs to drive forward.
Create a straight line towards the
bag.

Noah can’t help but listen. He winds up and throws a perfect
strike. Noah grabs his empty bucket and walks to the net to
gather up the baseballs. Cain follows and helps.

CAIN (CONT’D)
I was a rookie playing AAA for the
Tides.
(MORE)
11.

CAIN (CONT’D)
I was tired from lack of
sleep..your Mom was with me on the
road and you were just a colicky
infant. We had just beaten the Mud
Hens and as exhausted as I was, I
was pitching a perfect game up
until the final inning. I got one
bad call at the plate, or at least
I thought it was a bad call and I
lost my temper. Nearly blew the
game with only one out to go. A
sports writer for The Beacon wrote
“Cain Rockford pitches with
glimmers of greatness. Too bad his
pitching talent is overshadowed by
his bad attitude and lack of
focus. He’ll never make it in the
big leagues.” He was right about
me. But you...you’ve got more
talent than I ever had..and the
right attitude, despite everything
I put you through. I know the
things I did and said to you and
your mother...I can’t take any of
it back. But let me at least try
and make it up to you. I can get
you to the next level.

Cain turns to walk away then stops.

CAIN (CONT’D)
I’ll be here tomorrow morning at 8
am. Hopefully, I’ll see you then.

Noah incredulously watches as Cain walks away.

NOAH
I guess that was my fault. And
Mom’s.

CAIN
What are you talking about?

NOAH
You were tired. Because of me. And
that’s why you lost your temper.

CAIN
That’s not what I meant.

Noah, angry, throws the baseball in the bucket. Cain startles
slightly.
12.

NOAH
You don’t even see it. Nothing is
ever your fault. You think you can
show up here, make some bullshit
speech about helping me get to the
next level, and it’s all good? I’m
not training with you. You make me
sick! Stay away from me and you
sure as hell stay away from Mom.

Cain looks dejected.

CAIN
Son, please. I’ve changed. Let’s
just take it a day at a time.

NOAH
(shaking his head)
Son?? Nope. Nope. I remember
everything you did to us!
Everything! I don’t trust you and
I never will. I mean it. You stay
away. We’re better off without
you.
Genres: ["Drama","Family","Sports"]

Summary Noah and his mother are rescued by a neighbor after Cain's attack. Police arrest Cain, and Noah confronts him about his abusive behavior, refusing to train with him. Cain is devastated and leaves, leaving Noah and his mother to heal from the trauma.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Intense conflict resolution
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally charged, with strong performances and impactful dialogue that effectively conveys the deep-seated resentment and pain between the characters. The conflict is palpable, and the resolution leaves a lasting impact on the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the repercussions of past abuse and the possibility of forgiveness and redemption is compelling and well-executed. The scene effectively delves into the complexities of family dynamics and the long-lasting effects of trauma.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the strained relationship between Noah and his father, Cain, and their attempts at reconciliation. The flashback adds depth to the narrative, providing context for the characters' current emotions and actions.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of family conflict and abuse, with authentic character actions and dialogue that feel genuine and impactful.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotional arcs are compelling. Noah's internal conflict and resentment towards his father are portrayed with authenticity, while Cain's desperation for forgiveness adds layers to his character.

Character Changes: 8

Noah undergoes a significant emotional journey in the scene, confronting his past trauma and asserting his boundaries with his father. Cain also shows vulnerability and a desire for redemption, hinting at potential growth and change.

Internal Goal: 9

Noah's internal goal is to protect his mother and confront his father's abusive behavior. This reflects his deeper need for safety, security, and justice.

External Goal: 8

Noah's external goal is to resist his father's attempts to reconcile and distance himself from his abusive behavior. This reflects the immediate challenge of standing up for himself and his mother.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Noah and Cain is intense and multifaceted, stemming from past abuse and unresolved issues. The emotional stakes are high, driving the tension and drama of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Noah's resistance to his father's manipulation and attempts at reconciliation creating a compelling conflict.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, as Noah grapples with the decision to forgive his father and potentially rebuild their relationship. The emotional consequences of his choice have a profound impact on the characters' lives.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides important character development and deepens the conflict between Noah and Cain. It sets the stage for future interactions and potential resolutions, moving the narrative forward in a meaningful way.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional outbursts, shifting power dynamics, and unresolved conflicts between characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between forgiveness and accountability. Noah struggles with forgiving his father for past actions while holding him accountable for his behavior.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly sadness, anger, and empathy. The characters' struggles and the raw honesty of their interactions make for a powerful and moving experience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the characters' inner turmoil and conflicting emotions. The exchanges between Noah and Cain are tense and emotionally charged, adding depth to their relationship.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense conflict, emotional depth, and compelling character dynamics that draw the audience into the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, with a balance of dialogue, action, and character introspection that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, adhering to standard screenplay conventions for dialogue, action, and scene transitions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, confrontation, and resolution, fitting the expected format for a dramatic screenplay.


Critique
  • The scene is intense and emotional, effectively portraying the aftermath of a violent incident involving Cain attacking Noah and his mother.
  • The dialogue between Noah and Cain is impactful, showcasing the deep-seated resentment and anger Noah feels towards his father.
  • The flashback to the past adds depth to the characters and their history of abuse, highlighting the trauma Noah has experienced.
  • The scene effectively conveys the conflicting emotions Noah experiences, from fear and anger towards his father to a sense of empowerment and protection towards his mother.
  • The interaction between Noah and Cain is well-written, showing the complex dynamics of their relationship and the lasting impact of past abuse.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual cues to enhance the intensity of the scene, such as Noah's body language and facial expressions reflecting his emotions.
  • Provide more context or inner thoughts to further explore Noah's internal struggle and conflicting feelings towards his father.
  • Add layers to Cain's character to show his remorse or attempts at redemption more clearly, creating a more nuanced portrayal of his character.
  • Consider incorporating more sensory details to immerse the audience in the scene, such as the sounds of the sirens, the neighbor's voice, and the tension in the air.
  • Explore the aftermath of the confrontation between Noah and Cain, showing how it impacts their relationship and the dynamics within the family.



Scene 5 -  A Mother's Support
INT. NOAH’S HOUSE - LATER

Rita sits at the kitchen table. She has a stack of bills in
front of her. Noah walks in and heads for the refrigerator.

RITA
Hey there.

Noah grabs a gallon of chocolate milk from the fridge, a glass
from the counter, and sits at the table. He’s lost in his
thoughts.

RITA (CONT’D)
OK. What happened?

NOAH
Dad stopped by the ball field. He
wants to train me.

Rita reaches out and grabs Noah’s hand.

RITA
I’m not going to tell you what to
do, it’s something for you to
decide...but whatever that
decision is, I’ll support you.
13.

NOAH
He’s dangerous. I don’t care how
many times he says he’s sorry.

RITA
Oh..I don’t think so..he’s not
drinking anymore and he looked
good..

NOAH
Don’t fall for it. I remember like
it was yesterday. It’s not
happening.

Rita lets go of Noah’s hand. Noah senses her discomfort with
the conversation and pivots.

NOAH (CONT’D)
On another note, I think I need
new cleats. The insides are all
worn out.

RITA
Seriously? OK, let me see what I
can juggle here.

NOAH
Mom, it’s ok. I’m good for a
while...sorry.

RITA
Hey. You can’t pitch without
cleats. I’ll figure something out.
I always do!

NOAH
One day in the not too distant
future you won’t have to worry
about money ever again. I promise
you.

RITA
Just get good grades. College is
the goal.

NOAH
An MLB signing bonus is the goal
Come on, you can come to all of my
games, sit with my future
supermodel girlfriend and watch me
throw strikes.

Noah gets up from the table and grabs his baseball bag in the
corner.
14.

RITA
How about I watch you throw
strikes at your game later today.
I might be late though. I have to
wait for the cable guy to fix the
internet. They better show up on
time.

NOAH
Sure. See you later. I love you
Mom.

RITA
Love you too.

Noah gives his Mom a quick hug and heads out the door.
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary Noah informs Rita of his father's intentions to train him, expressing his unease. Despite Rita's belief in her ex-husband's change, Noah remains skeptical. Rita emphasizes her son's academic goals while Noah dreams of a future MLB signing bonus and fame. Despite financial struggles, Rita assures support for Noah's aspirations. Noah ends the conversation with a hug, leaving the kitchen.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Realistic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential predictability in future resolutions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional tension between the characters and sets up a conflict that will likely be resolved in future scenes.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a son grappling with his father's abusive past and the mother's support for his dreams is compelling and relatable.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as the son rejects his father's attempts to reconcile, setting up potential future conflicts and character development.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh approach to the theme of family loyalty and personal growth, with authentic character interactions and emotional depth. The dialogue feels genuine and relatable, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with the mother showing unwavering support and the son displaying a mix of vulnerability and determination.

Character Changes: 7

The son shows initial resistance towards his father but also displays vulnerability and determination, hinting at potential character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Noah's internal goal in this scene is to assert his independence and protect his mother from potential harm or manipulation by his father. This reflects his deeper need for safety, security, and autonomy.

External Goal: 7

Noah's external goal in this scene is to express his need for new cleats for baseball. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining his performance in the sport.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict between the son and father, as well as internal conflict within the son.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Noah's internal conflict and external challenges creating tension and uncertainty. The audience is left wondering how Noah will navigate his relationships and personal goals.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for the son, as he grapples with his father's past and his own future in baseball.

Story Forward: 7

The scene sets up future conflicts and resolutions, moving the story forward in a meaningful way.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat predictable in terms of the family conflict and personal goals of the characters. However, the emotional depth and nuanced character interactions add an element of unpredictability to the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between forgiveness and caution. Rita believes in giving second chances and seeing the good in people, while Noah is wary of his father's past behavior and prioritizes his own safety.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly in the interactions between the characters and the son's internal struggle.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotional dynamics between the characters and sets up future conflicts and resolutions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters, the relatable family dynamics, and the subtle tension between forgiveness and caution. The dialogue and actions draw the audience into the characters' lives and struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a natural flow of dialogue and actions that build tension and emotional depth. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in conveying the characters' internal struggles and external challenges.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre. The scene directions and dialogue are well-organized and easy to follow.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a domestic drama, with a clear focus on character interactions and emotional development. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or emotional depth given the heavy subject matter of domestic abuse and strained family dynamics.
  • The dialogue between Rita and Noah feels somewhat superficial and lacks the emotional weight needed to convey the complexity of their relationship.
  • Noah's transition from discussing his father's offer to needing new cleats feels abrupt and disconnected, detracting from the emotional impact of the scene.
  • The scene could benefit from more nuanced and layered interactions between Rita and Noah to better convey their conflicting emotions and the underlying tension in their relationship.
  • The scene could also delve deeper into Noah's internal struggle and conflicting feelings towards his father, providing more insight into his character and motivations.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more emotional depth to the dialogue between Rita and Noah, allowing them to express their conflicting emotions more authentically.
  • Focus on building the tension and emotional complexity of the scene by exploring Noah's internal struggle and conflicting feelings towards his father.
  • Ensure a smoother transition between the discussion of Noah's father and the need for new cleats to maintain the emotional continuity of the scene.
  • Consider incorporating subtle visual cues or gestures to enhance the emotional impact of the scene and convey the characters' inner turmoil.
  • Explore the possibility of adding subtext or underlying emotions to the dialogue to create a more nuanced and layered interaction between Rita and Noah.



Scene 6 -  Noah's Big Game
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - DAY

Noah drives up to the field and parks his bicycle. Players from
both teams are on opposite sides of the field warming up.


EXT. STANDS - CONTINUOUS

Men with clipboards, stopwatches, radar guns, etc. are already
well-placed in the bleachers watching the warm-up action. They
all turn at the same time and look at Noah.


EXT. DUGOUT - CONTINUOUS

Noah, unfazed, walks onto the field and places his bag in the
dugout. He sits on the bench and changes into his cleats.

COACH MOORE (O.S.)
Hey Rockford!

COACH MOORE, mid forties, stands by the third base line.


EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS

Noah grabs his glove from his bag and heads out of the dugout.

NOAH
Yes, Coach?

COACH MOORE
You see this?

Coach Moore shows Noah a clipboard with all of the scouts who
have signed in. They both turn and look at all of the baseball
scouts.
15.

COACH MOORE (CONT’D)
There are scouts here from almost
every MLB team in the country
trying to find the next great
southpaw. They’re all looking at
you kid. I wish I could take
credit for it, but I can’t. You’ve
got a God-given gift. Just go out
there today and do your thing.
Make us proud.

NOAH
(laughing)
No sweat.


EXT. ROCKFORD HOUSE - SAME TIME

A man’s hand knocks on the Rockford door.

RITA(O.S.)
Hang on...

The front door opens, revealing Rita.

RITA
Hey, thanks for coming.

The CABLE GUY stands at the door.

CABLE GUY
You had a bad splitter coming into
the house. It’s all fixed. I just
need to reset your modem and run a
quick check for you.

Rita lets him into the house.

RITA
Come in. It’s right in the hallway
closet.


EXT. BASEBALL FIELD PARKING LOT - DAY

A late-model sedan pulls into a parking space. ANTHONY
BRUNETTI, mid-fifties and scout for the New York Yankees is
behind the wheel.

ANTHONY
(to himself)
Ok, Anthony. Let’s see what this
kid’s got.
16.

Anthony reaches over to the glove box, pulls out a flask, and
takes a big swig. He’s about to place the flask back in the
glove box, but changes his mind and instead puts it in his
jacket pocket.


EXT. BASEBALL FIELD BLEACHERS - MOMENTS LATER

Anthony walks up to the bleachers. All of the other scouts take
notice.

SCOUT #1
Oh my goodness. Look what the cat
dragged in. Anthony Brunetti.

SCOUT #2
Wow! Now I know we’re in trouble
if they let you in here.

ANTHONY
Very funny. I’m here for the same
reason ya’ll are here. To check
out this Noah Rockford kid.

SCOUT #1
The Yankees already have their
sights set on that kid from South
Carolina, what’s his name...

SCOUT #2
Donnie Stevens. Yea, there’s
nothing for you to see here.

Anthony remains unfazed.

ANTHONY
Don’t worry, boys. I’ll keep my
distance.

Anthony sits in the row right behind everyone.

UMPIRE (O.S.)
Play ball!
Genres: ["Drama","Sports"]

Summary Noah prepares for a crucial baseball game under the watchful eyes of scouts from various MLB teams, determined to showcase his talent and potentially secure a future in professional baseball.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Engaging character dynamics
  • High stakes and emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue
  • Potential lack of subtlety in character interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the stakes for the protagonist, introduces key conflicts, and builds tension through the interactions between characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a young baseball player being scouted by MLB teams is engaging and sets the stage for potential growth and conflict in the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Noah prepares to showcase his skills in front of scouts, while also hinting at past traumas and conflicts within his family.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar sports competition setting but adds depth with the presence of scouts and the focus on Noah's performance. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions are believable.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined, with Noah showing determination and conflict, Rita displaying support and concern, and Anthony Brunetti adding an element of mystery and tension.

Character Changes: 7

Noah shows resistance towards his father but also hints at potential growth and reconciliation in the future, setting up a character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

Noah's internal goal is to perform well in front of the scouts and make his coach proud. This reflects his desire to succeed in baseball and prove himself as a talented player.

External Goal: 7

Noah's external goal is to impress the scouts and potentially get scouted by an MLB team. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the game.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflicts between Noah and his father, as well as the pressure of performing in front of scouts, create a high level of tension and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Noah facing the pressure of performing well in front of the scouts and the skepticism of other characters.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of Noah's performance in front of scouts, his strained relationship with his father, and his dreams of a future in baseball create a sense of urgency and importance.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key conflicts, setting up future developments, and advancing Noah's journey in baseball.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is somewhat predictable in terms of the protagonist's goals and the outcome of the game, but there is unpredictability in the interactions between characters and the presence of the scouts.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the idea of natural talent versus hard work and dedication. Coach Moore mentions Noah's 'God-given gift' but also emphasizes the importance of Noah's effort and performance.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes emotions of tension, hope, and regret, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles and aspirations.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and tensions between characters, setting up conflicts and resolutions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it sets up a high-stakes situation for the protagonist and introduces conflict and tension that keeps the audience interested.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and anticipation, leading up to the moment when Noah interacts with the scouts and prepares to play.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character cues. The dialogue is properly formatted and easy to follow.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions. It effectively sets up the conflict and stakes for the upcoming game.


Critique
  • The scene lacks depth in terms of character development and emotional impact. There is a missed opportunity to delve into Noah's internal struggles and fears as he prepares to showcase his talent in front of MLB scouts.
  • The dialogue between Coach Moore and Noah feels a bit cliché and lacks authenticity. It could be more nuanced to reflect a deeper connection between the coach and the player.
  • The introduction of the Cable Guy and Anthony Brunetti feels disconnected from the main storyline and adds unnecessary distractions to the scene.
  • There is a lack of tension and anticipation leading up to Noah's performance on the field. The buildup to the moment where he interacts with the scouts could be more engaging and suspenseful.
  • The visual descriptions are minimal and do not effectively capture the atmosphere of a high-stakes baseball game with scouts present. More vivid imagery could enhance the scene and immerse the reader in the setting.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal monologue or reflections from Noah to provide insight into his mindset and emotions before the game.
  • Revise the dialogue between Coach Moore and Noah to make it more authentic and meaningful, showcasing their relationship and the importance of the moment.
  • Streamline the introduction of the Cable Guy and Anthony Brunetti to ensure they serve a purpose in advancing the plot or character development.
  • Build up the tension and excitement leading to Noah's performance by incorporating sensory details and heightened emotions throughout the scene.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a vivid and immersive setting that conveys the intensity of the baseball game and the presence of the scouts.



Scene 7 -  Noah's Impressive Pitching Performance
EXT. BALL FIELD - DAY

The game starts. Noah takes the mound for the home team. He
faces the first batter.

The first batter steps into the box. Noah winds up and throws
the first pitch. It’s a strike looking.

PARENT IN STANDS
Ok, now you’re ready!
17.

EXT. STANDS - CONTINUOUS

Scouts in the stands meticulously scrutinize every movement,
Some record the action, their cameras capturing every nuance.

SCOUT #1
Not bad for sixteen.


EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Noah holds the mitt to his chest, hiding the ball from the
hitter. He gets his grip, winds up and throws a beautiful curve
ball. It’s a swing and a miss.

UMPIRE
Strike three!


EXT. STANDS - CONTINUOUS

Anthony watches and films from the bleachers.


EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Noah does his usual brush of the dirt on the mound and digs his
foot into the rubber. He pushes his long hair behind his ears
and adjusts his cap.

The batter stares down Noah and is ready.

Noah winds up and throws a beautiful fastball that paints the
outside corner. It’s a strike looking.

UMPIRE
Strike!


EXT. STANDS - CONTINUOUS

All of the scouts intently watch Noah.

UMPIRE (O.S.)
Strike two!


EXT. BATTER'S BOX - CONTINUOUS

The batter shakes his head in disgust.

BATTER
(to himself)
Just swing the bat.
18.

The batter sets up and is ready. Noah winds up and throws the
same pitch. It's a third strike looking. The batter hits the
ground in disgust with his bat.

UMPIRE
Strike three! You’re out!

Noah quickly runs off of the field to the dugout.


EXT. DUGOUT - CONTINUOUS

Noah and the rest of the team pile into the dugout. Noah goes
to the fence, concerned, and looks into the stands for his Mom.


INT. ROCKFORD HOUSE - SAME TIME

Rita grabs her purse and is heading for the door. She opens the
door and stops in her tracks.

RITA
What do you want?

Cain is standing in the doorway, blocking Rita.

CAIN
Can I talk to you?

RITA
(unsure)
I was just heading to Noah’s
game...

Rita attempts to push past Cain, but he towers over her and
easily blocks her from leaving. He pushes her back inside the
house and shuts the door behind him.
Genres: ["Drama","Sports"]

Summary During a captivating baseball game, Noah strikes out the batter thrice, showcasing his exceptional pitching skills. Scouts are impressed, watching his every move. However, Noah's mother, Rita, is distressed and attempts to leave the house to witness the game. But her ex-husband, Cain, obstructs her, confining her within the house.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional conflict
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • High-stakes sports drama
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Certain emotional beats may feel heavy-handed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys tension, emotion, and conflict, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' struggles.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a talented young baseball player facing both success on the field and unresolved family trauma adds depth and complexity to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through Noah's pitching performance and the unexpected arrival of his estranged father, adding layers of conflict and emotion.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar sports setting but adds depth through the protagonist's internal and external goals, as well as the philosophical conflict with his mother. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotional arcs drive the scene, particularly Noah's internal struggle with his father's past actions.

Character Changes: 8

Noah experiences internal conflict and growth as he grapples with his father's past actions and his own feelings of resentment and forgiveness.

Internal Goal: 8

Noah's internal goal in this scene is to perform well in the game and make his mother proud. This reflects his deeper need for validation and approval from his family.

External Goal: 7

Noah's external goal is to win the baseball game and impress the scouts in the stands. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in proving his talent and potential as a player.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Noah, Rita, and Cain is palpable and drives the emotional intensity of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene, including the challenges Noah faces in the game and the conflict with his mother, adds complexity and depth to the narrative, creating obstacles for the protagonist to overcome.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of Noah's baseball performance, his strained relationship with his father, and the unresolved family trauma heighten the tension and emotional impact of the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the conflict between the characters and setting up future developments in Noah's relationship with his father.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected obstacles and challenges for the protagonist, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between Noah's desire to succeed in baseball and his mother's potential disapproval of his choices. This challenges his beliefs about pursuing his passion and seeking approval from his family.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly in the tense interactions between the characters and the unresolved family trauma.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and conflicts, though some moments could benefit from more subtlety.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it builds tension, showcases character dynamics, and sets up conflicts that drive the narrative forward.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome of the baseball game and the character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a sports drama genre, with clear progression of the baseball game, character interactions, and emotional beats.


Critique
  • The scene effectively sets up the tension and anticipation of Noah pitching in the game, with the scouts closely observing his performance.
  • The visual descriptions of Noah's pitching and the reactions of the scouts in the stands add depth to the scene.
  • The interaction between Noah and the batter is well-paced and builds suspense as Noah strikes out the batter.
  • The introduction of Cain blocking Rita from leaving the house adds a layer of conflict and danger to the scene, contrasting with the intensity of the baseball game.
  • The scene effectively transitions between the baseball field and the Rockford house, creating a parallel between Noah's success on the field and the threat at home.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for Noah as he pitches, to give insight into his mindset and the pressure he feels.
  • Explore the dynamic between Noah and the scouts further, perhaps showing his reaction to their scrutiny or his desire to impress them.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Rita and Cain to convey the tension and fear in their interaction, adding depth to their relationship and the stakes involved.
  • Introduce more sensory details to immerse the reader in the scene, such as the sounds of the crowd, the smell of the grass on the field, or the tension in the air.
  • Consider incorporating a cliffhanger or unexpected twist at the end of the scene to keep the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.



Scene 8 -  Noah's Focus Under Pressure
EXT. DUGOUT - SAME TIME

Noah, cell phone in hand, walks from the fence over to Coach,
who is at the end of the dugout looking at the lineup.

COACH MOORE
Brody, you’re on deck. Smith,
you’re in the hole.

NOAH
Coach, my Mom’s not here and she’s
not answering her phone.

COACH MOORE
She’s probably just running late.
(MORE)
19.

COACH MOORE (CONT’D)
Keep that arm warm. And put that
phone away.

Noah, unable to do anything, looks to the stands, then heads to
the bench to warm his arm.


EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - LATER

The scoreboard in the outfield reveals that this is the final
inning. Noah’s team is winning seven to nothing. There’s one
out.


EXT. BATTER’S BOX - CONTINUOUS

The next batter steps up to the plate. He is a monster for a
high school kid. He stares down Noah. Noah looks back at him
and smiles.


EXT. PITCHER’S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

NOAH
(to himself)
What are they feeding these guys?

Noah fixes his hat and wipes the sweat off of his forehead. He
gets set, takes a deep breath, and throws a hanging fastball
right down the middle.


EXT. BALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS

The batter makes contact and hits a hard ground ball to third.

The third baseman knocks it down, but bobbles it a bit. Once he
gets control, he fires a cannon to first base.


EXT. FIRST BASELINE - CONTINUOUS

The batter flies down the first baseline. The first baseman
stretches and reaches out to grab the throw, but the runner
beats the throw to the bag.

FIELD UMPIRE
Safe!

The first baseman throws the ball back to Noah.
20.

EXT. PITCHER’S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Noah takes a deep breath and eyeballs the runner on first. He
is taking a sizable lead off of the bag.


EXT. BATTER’S BOX - CONTINUOUS

The next batter steps into the batter’s box and gets set,
waiting for his pitch.


EXT. PITCHER’S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Noah leans forward, with his hand behind his back, getting the
four seam grip on the ball. He stands upright, and looks as if
he is about to wind up and pitch.

CATCHER
He’s going!


EXT. BALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS

Noah steps off the mound and makes a fast throw to first base,
attempting to pick off the runner. The first baseman catches
the ball, and the runner goes to second. First base throws the
ball to second, catching the runner in a pickle. The runner
attempts to head back to first. Noah runs to cover first.

Second base throws the ball to Noah and Noah tags the runner,
making the out.

FIELD UMPIRE
He’s out!

Noah heads back to the pitcher’s mound.
Genres: ["Sports","Drama"]

Summary Noah, despite his mother's absence, regains his focus and pitches a hanging fastball which results in an out at first. He then attempts a pickoff at first but the runner advances to second. He covers first and tags out the runner, ending the inning.
Strengths
  • Effective blending of sports action with emotional drama
  • Strong character development and emotional depth
  • Tension-filled dialogue and interactions between characters
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched sports movie tropes
  • Dialogue could be more nuanced and subtle in places

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension through the baseball game and intertwines it with the emotional conflict between Noah, his mother, and his estranged father. The stakes are high, and the resolution is impactful.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a pivotal moment in a baseball game serving as a backdrop for personal struggles and reconciliation adds depth to the narrative. The scene effectively balances sports action with emotional storytelling.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through Noah's performance in the game and his interactions with his mother and father. The conflict between family members adds layers to the story and keeps the audience engaged.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the familiar sports genre by focusing on the protagonist's personal struggles alongside the game's action. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, adding depth to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Noah, Rita, and Cain, are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are clearly portrayed. The audience can empathize with their struggles and conflicts.

Character Changes: 8

Noah undergoes a significant emotional journey in the scene, from facing his fears on the baseball field to confronting his father's past actions. His refusal to reconcile with Cain shows his growth and strength as a character.

Internal Goal: 8

Noah's internal goal in this scene is to deal with the anxiety and worry caused by his mother's absence. It reflects his deeper need for reassurance and support, as well as his fear of being alone or abandoned.

External Goal: 7

Noah's external goal in this scene is to focus on the baseball game and perform well as a pitcher. It reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining his concentration and composure despite personal distractions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Noah, Rita, and Cain is intense and drives the emotional core of the scene. The internal and external conflicts heighten the drama and keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Noah facing challenges both on and off the field that test his abilities and resilience.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes in the baseball game, combined with the emotional stakes in Noah's relationships with his parents, create a sense of urgency and importance in the scene. The outcome has significant consequences for the characters.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by resolving some of the conflicts between the characters and setting up new challenges for Noah to overcome. It sets the stage for future developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected challenges for the protagonist, such as his mother's absence and the pressure of the baseball game.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Noah's personal concerns about his mother and his professional responsibilities as a baseball player. It challenges his beliefs about priorities and the balance between personal and professional life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and anxiety during the baseball game to empathy and sadness in the interactions between the characters. The resolution leaves a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotions between the characters. It reveals their inner conflicts and adds depth to the relationships portrayed in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines personal drama with sports action, keeping the audience invested in Noah's struggles and the outcome of the game.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest, with a good balance between dialogue and action sequences.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a sports drama, with clear transitions between different locations on the baseball field and a focus on the protagonist's performance as a pitcher.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension considering the situation Noah is in. There should be more emphasis on Noah's internal conflict and the pressure he feels to perform without his mother present.
  • The dialogue between Coach Moore and Noah feels a bit generic and could be more emotionally charged given the circumstances. It would be beneficial to add more depth to their interaction to showcase Noah's concern for his mother.
  • The visual elements could be enhanced to convey Noah's anxiety and the high stakes of the game. Adding close-up shots of Noah's expressions and reactions would help the audience connect with his emotions.
  • The transition from Noah's concern about his mother to focusing on the game feels abrupt. There should be a smoother transition to maintain the emotional throughline of the scene.
  • The resolution of the scene, with Noah successfully making an out, feels rushed and doesn't provide a satisfying conclusion to the tension built earlier.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Noah expresses his worry about his mother more explicitly, perhaps through a phone call or a text message exchange to increase the emotional impact.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Coach Moore and Noah to reflect the gravity of the situation and deepen their relationship. This could involve Coach Moore offering words of encouragement or support to Noah.
  • Introduce more visual cues to convey Noah's internal struggle and the importance of the game. Utilize camera angles and close-ups to capture Noah's emotions and the intensity of the moment.
  • Smooth out the transition between Noah's concern for his mother and the gameplay to maintain a cohesive narrative flow. Consider adding a moment of reflection or a brief pause to bridge the two aspects of the scene.
  • Extend the resolution of the scene to provide a more impactful conclusion. Show Noah's reaction to successfully making the out and incorporate a moment of relief or accomplishment to round off the scene effectively.



Scene 9 -  Tragedy at Home
EXT. PITCHER’S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Noah brushes the dirt with his foot, trying to stall for some
time to catch his breath from the last play.


EXT. BATTER’S BOX - CONTINUOUS

The third batter takes a warmup swing and steps into the box.
Noah throws his first pitch and the batter hits a one hop right
back to Noah. He easily makes the play and fires the ball to
first base, throwing the runner out and ending the game.

The entire team runs off of the bench in celebration. Noah
skips the usual celebration and heads straight for the dugout.
21.

EXT. DUGOUT - CONTINUOUS

Noah grabs his bag and slings it over his shoulder. He walks
out of the dugout.

COACH MOORE
Where are you going so fast?

NOAH
I have to get home. Sorry.


EXT. STANDS - CONTINUOUS

Anthony is watching Noah outside of the dugout. He observes
Noah and Coach Moore in a slightly animated conversation. He
watches as Noah leaves the field, hops on his bicycle and
peddles off.


EXT. DUGOUT - CONTINUOUS

The Coach throws his hands in the air. BARRON, the bench
warmer, walks over to Coach Moore.

BARRON
Where’d he go?

COACH MOORE
He’s worried about his Mom.


EXT. ROCKFORD HOUSE’S - DAY

Noah arrives at his house. His Dad’s Toyota pickup truck is in
the driveway. Noah pulls his bicycle onto the lawn and jumps
off the bike. He stares at the truck for a moment. ALL OF A
SUDDEN...

He hears his mother screaming and arguing from inside the
house. He drops his bag and bolts inside.


INT. ROCKFORD'S HOUSE - DAY

Noah rushes through the house into the kitchen. Cain has a gun
pointed at Rita. Tears stream down her face.

RITA
...Noah, get out of here...

Cain suddenly aims the gun at Noah. Noah instinctively charges
Cain. All of a sudden..POP! Noah tackles Cain to the ground.
Cain slams his head on the floor, hard.
22.

Years of rage are absolutely unleashed as Noah repeatedly
punches his father into submission until there is no life left
in him.

Noah stops hitting Cain, and suddenly realizes he’s in pain. He
sits back and looks at his upper left arm, bleeding. He sits
down, dazed from the gunshot.

RITA (O.S.)
Noah...

Noah turns to see his Mom, with her hands on her stomach, blood
soaking through where she has been shot.

NOAH
(strangely calm)
Mom?

Rita slides to the ground.

Noah, in shock, crawls on the floor to his mother and tries to
cradle her in his arms. Blood soaks onto his white baseball
uniform.

NOAH
Hang on Mom. I’m sorry I wasn’t
here. I’m so sorry. You’re gonna
be ok. You’re gonna be ok.

Cain is on the ground, lifeless. The gun is still in his hand.

RITA
I love you.

She closes her eyes.

Noah looks at his Dad, lifeless, then looks away and shuts his
eyes tight. He holds onto his mother, laying in the carnage as
he loses consciousness.

Police and ambulance sirens wail in the background.


INT. LAW OFFICE CONFERENCE ROOM (CHARLESTON) - DAY

Attorney LAURA WOOD, twenty eight years old, sits at the
conference table with her client, JENNIFER, across from BRAD,
another attorney and his client STEVE. Jennifer and Steve
viciously argue with each other.

STEVE
I’ve already agreed to the Range
Rover. That’s more than generous.
23.

JENNIFER
The Porsche either gets sold and
we split it, or I get it outright.
There’s no way I want to see your
whore girlfriend driving my car
all over Mount Pleasant!

SALLY, the receptionist, walks into the conference room while
the arguing is going on. She walks up to Laura and whispers in
her ear.

LAURA
Why don’t we break for lunch and
pick this up in an hour?

BRAD
Sounds good to me.


INT. LAURA'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

Laura picks up the phone from her desk. She dials a number.

LAURA
Hi. This is Laura Wood. I have a
message from Melodie Hartman
regarding my nephew, Noah
Rockford...Thank you... Hi...yes,
this is Laura Wood...
I’m Noah’s Aunt...yes, Rita is my
sister... yes...wait...what are
you saying??... Oh my God.


INT. MERCEY HOSPITAL (TEXAS) - DAY

Laura is at the visitor’s front desk. The hospital volunteer
hands her a visitors pass.

VOLUNTEER
Take the elevator on the left to
the third floor.

LAURA
Thanks.

Laura walks down the hallway to the elevators. She pushes the
button and steps inside.


INT. 4TH FLOOR MERCY HOSPITAL - DAY

Laura exits the elevator. She walks down the hallway to Noah’s
room.
24.

INT. NOAHS’S HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

Noah lies in the bed, sedated, with his upper left arm
bandaged. Laura walks up to the bed and gently strokes his
hair.

LAURA
Noah.

Noah sleepily wakes up.

NOAH
Mom?

LAURA
It’s Aunt Laura. I got here as
fast as I could.

Noah opens his eyes and looks at her. She is his Mom’s half-
sister.

NOAH
(confused)
Aunt Laura? What’s gonna happen?

Noah gets very agitated.

LAURA
I don’t know, but we will figure
it out. I promise.

The NURSE enters the room and checks Noah’s vital signs. She
looks at the hospital wristband he is wearing.

NURSE
Can you tell me your name and date
of birth?

NOAH
Noah Rockford. June ninth, two
thousand four.

NURSE
I’m just giving you some medicine
to help you relax.

The nurse injects the medication into the IV line. Noah almost
instantly settles down. Laura looks on, not knowing what to do
next. DOCTOR OLDFORD enters the hospital room.

DOCTOR OLDFORD
Are you Noah’s Aunt?
25.

LAURA
Yes, I’m Laura Wood. I got here as
fast as I could.

DOCTOR OLDFORD
Noah’s very lucky. He sustained a
gunshot wound to his upper tricep.

Laura stands next to Noah’s hospital bed, looking exhausted and
afraid for Noah.

DOCTOR OLDFORD (V.O.)
The bullet essentially grazed his
arm and nicked his brachial
artery. We performed a brachial
patch repair and we were able to
fully repair the damaged muscle.
He should make a full physical
recovery in about 8 weeks.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Noah's victory on the baseball field turns into a nightmare when he finds his father holding his mother hostage. In a desperate act to save her, Noah kills his father, only to witness his mother succumb to a gunshot wound. As Noah lies injured, his aunt arrives, promising support amidst the overwhelming grief and uncertainty that lies ahead.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Compelling character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potentially triggering content
  • Violent themes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, emotionally charged, and gripping, drawing the audience in with its intense and tragic events.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a family tragedy unfolding in real-time is compelling and keeps the audience engaged throughout the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a clear escalation of tension and conflict leading to a tragic climax.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the theme of family violence and redemption, with authentic character actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are deeply developed, with complex relationships and motivations that drive the emotional impact of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Noah undergoes a significant change as he is forced to confront his father and protect his mother, leading to a traumatic experience that will shape his character.

Internal Goal: 9

Noah's internal goal is to protect his family and come to terms with his father's violent behavior.

External Goal: 8

Noah's external goal is to save his mother from his violent father and seek justice for their suffering.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high-stakes and emotionally charged, driving the narrative forward towards a tragic resolution.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Noah facing a life-threatening situation and having to make difficult choices.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high, with the characters' lives on the line and the outcome of the tragic events having a lasting impact on their relationships and future.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a major turning point and setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden escalation of violence and unexpected consequences for the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict is between the idea of family loyalty and the need to break free from toxic relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene has a profound emotional impact on the audience, evoking feelings of fear, sadness, and shock.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and realistic, effectively conveying the emotions and tensions between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, high stakes, and dramatic action.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively and keeps the audience engaged with a balance of action and emotional moments.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows standard screenplay conventions for action and dialogue sequences.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, a climax of action, and a resolution that sets up future events.


Critique
  • The scene is intense and dramatic, with a sudden and shocking turn of events that grabs the audience's attention.
  • The transition from the baseball game to the domestic violence situation is abrupt and may benefit from a smoother segue to maintain the flow of the story.
  • The emotional impact of the scene is powerful, especially with the portrayal of Noah's intense reaction to protect his mother and the tragic outcome.
  • The scene effectively conveys the chaos and violence of the situation, but it could benefit from more nuanced exploration of the characters' emotions and reactions.
  • There is a lot of action and tension in the scene, but it may be overwhelming for the audience without enough context or buildup to the events.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more build-up and foreshadowing to the domestic violence situation to prepare the audience for the intense events that unfold.
  • Explore the emotional turmoil and internal conflict of the characters, especially Noah, in more depth to enhance the audience's connection to the story.
  • Provide some resolution or aftermath to the scene to address the consequences of the violence and its impact on the characters.
  • Consider incorporating more visual and sensory details to immerse the audience in the scene and enhance the emotional impact.
  • Ensure that the transition between the baseball game and the domestic violence scene is seamless and does not disrupt the flow of the narrative.



Scene 10 -  Laura Accepts Guardianship of Noah
EXT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - LATER

Laura walks down the hospital hallway towards the waiting
elevator and steps inside. The doors close behind her.

DOCTOR OLDFORD (V.O.)
But Noah will also need
counseling, therapy, and possibly
medication to deal with the trauma
he just experienced.


INT. JUVENILE JUSTICE OFFICE - LATER

Elevator doors open to reveal Laura, weary, exiting the
elevators.

DOCTOR OLDFORD (V.O.)
He has a long road ahead of him.

Laura walks down a long hallway and steps into an office.

LAURA (V.O.)
My sister and I weren’t close.
When our Dad remarried my Mom, I
only saw Rita on a few holidays
and the random weekend.


INT. JUVENILE JUSTICE OFFICE - DAY

MELODY HARTMAN, in her 50s is sitting at her desk, taking
notes.
26.

LAURA (CONT’D)
She was twelve years older than
me, so we hardly knew each other.
I’m actually closer in age to Noah
than I was to her. What exactly
happened?

MELODY
The circumstances surrounding the
death of Cain Rockford have been
ruled an open and shut case of
self-defense. The DA is refusing
to press charges.

LAURA
Was there ever a question about it
not being self-defense?

MELODY
No. There was a long and well-
documented history of spousal
abuse at the home. If Noah didn’t
stop him, he most likely would
have been a victim as well.

Melody hands Laura a file. Laura opens the file and begins
thumbing through police reports detailing the history.

LAURA
So what happens next?

MELODY
His only living grandparent has
advanced dementia and is in
assisted living, so that makes you
the only relative that could be
his legal guardian. And since Noah
is only sixteen...

LAURA
...he’ll be seventeen next month.

MELODY
He’s still a minor. If you decide
that you can’t or don’t want the
responsibility of taking Noah, we
can make other arrangements for
him.

LAURA
Like what? He can stay with a
friend or something?
27.

MELODY
No. Foster care. We would place
him in the system until he turns
eighteen.

Laura slumps in her chair, feeling the weight of the situation.

LAURA
No, no...I can’t do that to him.
He can come back to Charleston
with me.
Genres: ["Drama","Family","Crime"]

Summary Laura learns of the domestic abuse in the Rockford household and the legal options available for Noah's guardianship. Struggling with the decision, she ultimately agrees to take Noah into her care and bring him back to Charleston.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally charged, with high stakes and significant character development. It effectively conveys the tension and conflict within the family while setting up future plot developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of family bonds, trauma, and responsibility is well-executed, providing a strong foundation for character growth and narrative progression.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly, introducing new challenges and dilemmas for the characters to navigate. The resolution of the conflict sets the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of family responsibility and legal guardianship, presenting a complex and morally ambiguous situation. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and undergo significant emotional arcs in the scene. Their interactions and decisions drive the narrative forward and reveal deeper layers of their personalities.

Character Changes: 8

Multiple characters undergo significant changes in their relationships and perspectives, particularly in terms of forgiveness, responsibility, and family bonds.

Internal Goal: 8

Laura's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with her familial responsibilities and make a decision about taking on the legal guardianship of her younger relative, Noah. This reflects her deeper need for connection and responsibility, as well as her fears of failing to protect Noah.

External Goal: 7.5

Laura's external goal in this scene is to make a decision about whether to become Noah's legal guardian or let him enter the foster care system. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating the legal system and taking on a significant responsibility.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is intense and multi-layered, involving past traumas, present dilemmas, and future decisions. It drives the emotional tension and character dynamics in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Laura facing difficult choices and conflicting obligations. The audience is kept on edge as they await her decision.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, involving life-and-death situations, family dynamics, and personal growth. The characters face difficult choices with lasting consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new conflicts, dilemmas, and character dynamics. It sets the stage for future developments and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the moral ambiguity and complex emotions at play. The audience is unsure of Laura's decision and the potential consequences for Noah.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethical dilemma of family responsibility and legal obligations. Laura must balance her personal desires with the best interests of Noah, highlighting the conflicting values of individual freedom and societal duty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions and empathy for the characters, especially in the face of tragedy and difficult choices. It leaves a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and conflict between the characters. It reveals their inner thoughts and motivations, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes and emotional intensity of the decision-making process. The conflict and character dynamics draw the audience in, creating suspense and empathy.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional resonance. The rhythm of the dialogue and narrative description enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and character cues. The dialogue is formatted correctly, enhancing readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and focused dialogue-driven interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from the hospital hallway to the Juvenile Justice Office, which can be disorienting for the audience. Consider adding a smoother transition or establishing the new setting more clearly.
  • The dialogue between Laura and Melody feels a bit exposition-heavy and could benefit from more natural and engaging conversation. Try to incorporate more subtext and emotion into their interaction to make it more compelling.
  • The information about Noah's family history and the legal implications of his situation are important but could be conveyed in a more engaging manner. Consider integrating this information into the dialogue more organically or revealing it through character actions.
  • The scene lacks visual elements and relies heavily on dialogue to convey information. Adding visual cues or actions can enhance the scene and make it more dynamic.
  • The emotional weight of Laura's decision to take in Noah is significant but could be further explored to deepen the impact on the audience. Consider delving into Laura's internal struggle and conflicting emotions to make the scene more poignant.
Suggestions
  • Consider starting the scene with Laura already in the Juvenile Justice Office to avoid a jarring transition. Provide a brief establishing shot or description to set the new location.
  • Revise the dialogue between Laura and Melody to make it more natural and engaging. Show their emotions and reactions through their words and actions.
  • Integrate the exposition about Noah's family history and legal guardianship more subtly into the conversation between Laura and Melody. Show, don't tell.
  • Add visual elements to the scene to create a more immersive experience for the audience. Show character movements, expressions, and reactions to enhance the storytelling.
  • Explore Laura's internal conflict and emotional journey more deeply to increase the emotional impact of her decision to take in Noah. Show her struggle and the weight of her choice.



Scene 11 -  Grieving and Goodbyes
EXT. CEMETERY - DAY

Rain lightly falls on the funeral congregation as they all
huddle under their umbrellas. A priest blesses the casket as it
is lowered into the ground.

PRIEST
Give her, O. Lord, your peace and
let your eternal light shine upon
her. Amen.

The funeral congregation, consisting of Rita’s friends and
Noah’s teammates, places their roses on the coffin in the
ground. Laura stands next to Noah, a stranger, as both try to
come to terms with their new reality.

Noah approaches the coffin, his left arm in a sling. He shakes
his head in disbelief, no tears, and tosses the rose in. Laura
stands next to Noah, tears streaming down her face.

NOAH
Bye Mom.


EXT. ROCKFORD’S HOUSE - DAY

A moving van is parked in front of the house. Movers load up
the last of Noah’s things into the van. Andrew and a few of
Noah’s teammates are there to say their goodbyes.

ANDREW
Bro, I guess this is goodbye for
now.

NOAH
Yea, I guess. I’m not gonna be
here to save your ass anymore, so
you better step up.

ANDREW
I will.
28.

Andrew chokes up and looks down at the ground, trying to
conceal his emotions. He shuffles his feet and gives Noah an
awkward hug.

ANDREW (CONT’D)
We’re gonna miss you.

Noah lets go of Andrew.

NOAH
See ya.

Noah gets in the passenger seat, Laura is driving. They pull
away as a realtor places a “For Sale” sign in the ground in
front of the house.


EXT. A COUNTRY ROAD - DAY

A van drives through the highways and low country on its way
from Texas to South Carolina.


INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS

Laura tries to make small talk with Noah.

LAURA
I currently live in a one-bedroom
condo, but a friend of mine has a
nice furnished house close to the
school that he said we could rent
as long as we needed to. I think
you’ll like it. They have one of
the best baseball programs in
South Carolina.

NOAH
I’m not playing baseball anymore.

Laura looks over at Noah. He is staring out the window and
looks more angry than sad.

LAURA
Okay, well, the school is good.


EXT. BUCC-EE’S REST STOP, MISSISSIPPI - DAY

Laura and Noah pull into a large truck stop to fuel up.
29.

EXT. GAS PUMPS - CONTINUOUS

Laura is pumping gas and on her cell phone. Noah heads back
from the bathroom with some snacks and a big bag of beef jerky.

LAURA
(into cell phone)
I’ll be back in tomorrow...yes...
got it, deposition is at the
Meeting Street office at 9 am.
I’ll be there. Did you file the
Landau brief?...Good. Make sure
Lamparter doesn’t screw it up,
she’s not very good with
details...

Noah walks back to the car but is distracted by something. He
looks to see a stray young dog wandering through the parking
lot, lost. Noah crouches down next to the moving van and takes
a piece of beef jerky out of his bag. He can hear Laura’s
conversation.

LAURA (O.S.)
He’s with me...I don’t know, I
haven’t even seen him cry. It’s
weird. I think he’s still in shock
about the whole thing.... I’ll
have him until he’s
eighteen....what was I supposed to
do, stick him in foster
care?...yea, well, he’s my
problem now.

NOAH (to dog)
Hey buddy. You hungry?
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Noah attends his mother's funeral in disbelief, showing anger instead of sadness. He says goodbye to his friends and teammates as he prepares to leave his old life behind. Laura tries to comfort him during the drive, revealing that she will be taking him in. Noah struggles to express his emotions and has yet to cry, leaving the conflict unresolved.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional impact of Rita's funeral and the transition to a new chapter in Noah and Laura's lives. The dialogue and actions are poignant and reflective, setting the tone for the next phase of the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of saying goodbye to the past and moving forward is central to the scene. It sets the stage for Noah and Laura's journey to a new location and a fresh start.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the aftermath of Rita's death and the decision for Noah and Laura to leave their old life behind. It sets up the next phase of the story as they embark on a new chapter.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on grief and loss, with authentic character reactions and dialogue that feel true to life. The writer's approach to depicting emotional turmoil is original and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Noah and Laura's characters are well-developed in this scene, showing their emotional responses to the funeral and their upcoming move. Their interactions and reactions feel authentic and add depth to the story.

Character Changes: 7

Both Noah and Laura undergo emotional changes in this scene as they come to terms with Rita's death and the decision to move. It marks a significant turning point in their character arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

Noah's internal goal is to come to terms with the loss of his mother and adjust to his new reality. This reflects his deeper need for acceptance and emotional healing.

External Goal: 7

Noah's external goal is to move to South Carolina and start a new life, leaving behind his old home and baseball career. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The conflict in this scene is internal, as Noah and Laura grapple with their emotions and the decision to leave their old life behind. It sets up potential conflicts and challenges in the future.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Noah and Laura face internal and external challenges that test their resilience and emotional strength.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are moderate in this scene, focusing on the emotional impact of Rita's death and the decision to start anew. It sets the stage for potential conflicts and challenges in the future.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by setting up the next phase of Noah and Laura's journey. It introduces new challenges and changes that will impact the characters' development.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in its emotional twists and turns, as the characters grapple with unexpected challenges and revelations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of loss, change, and resilience. It challenges Noah and Laura's beliefs about coping with grief and starting over.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, reflection, and hope. The funeral and the farewell resonate with the audience, drawing them into the characters' emotional journey.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is heartfelt and realistic, capturing the emotions of the characters as they say goodbye to their past. It conveys the sadness and resignation of the moment effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, realistic dialogue, and relatable characters. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth, with a balance of quiet moments and intense interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic moment, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the emotional impact of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene at the cemetery lacks emotional depth and impact. The funeral of Noah's mother should evoke strong emotions from both Noah and Laura, but their reactions seem subdued and disconnected.
  • The transition from the funeral to the moving van scene feels abrupt and lacks a smooth transition. The emotional weight of the funeral should have been carried over to the next scene.
  • The dialogue between Laura and Noah in the van feels forced and lacks authenticity. The conversation about the new living arrangements and baseball program in South Carolina does not resonate with the emotional turmoil both characters are going through.
  • The interaction at the gas station between Laura and Noah also feels disjointed. Laura's business call seems out of place given the context of the scene, and Noah's distraction with the stray dog could have been a more poignant moment of connection between him and Laura.
  • The final lines of the scene, where Noah interacts with the stray dog, lack depth and significance. This moment could have been used to symbolize Noah's own feelings of being lost and abandoned, but it falls short in conveying a deeper emotional resonance.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the emotional impact of the funeral scene by showing more raw and authentic reactions from Noah and Laura. Allow them to express their grief and pain more visibly.
  • Improve the transition between scenes to create a more seamless flow of emotions and events. Connect the emotional threads from the funeral to the moving van scene more effectively.
  • Revise the dialogue in the van to make it more reflective of the characters' emotional states. Focus on their internal struggles and conflicts rather than surface-level conversations.
  • Consider restructuring the gas station scene to make it more meaningful and poignant. Use this moment to deepen the connection between Noah and Laura, possibly through a shared moment of vulnerability.
  • Revisit the interaction with the stray dog to infuse it with more symbolism and emotional resonance. Use this moment to reflect Noah's internal journey and feelings of abandonment and loss.



Scene 12 -  Jeter's Adventure Begins at the Gas Station
EXT. GAS STATION - DAY

The dog comes over to Noah and gently takes the jerky out of
his hand.

NOAH
(looking around)
Is this your dog?

A worker emptying garbage cans shakes his head “no.” He feeds
the dog a few more pieces, and it wags its tail, grateful for
the food.

WORKER
I’ve seen him hanging around for a
few days. I think someone
abandoned him.
30.

LAURA (O.S.)
Noah, let’s go!

Laura puts the gas pump away and gets in the driver’s seat.


INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS

Noah hops in the passenger seat. The dog hops in and positions
itself between Laura and Noah. It lays down and puts its head
on Noah’s lap. The dog looks up at Laura with big, wet, brown
eyes.

LAURA
What’s this?

NOAH
This is Jeter.

LAURA
Jeter.

NOAH
Yeah, Jeter.

Noah rubs Jeter’s head.

NOAH (CONT’D)
I guess he’s my problem now.

Noah looks directly at Laura as he pets the dog. Laura nods her
head, realizing that her conversation was overheard and the dog
isn’t going anywhere.

LAURA
OK.

Laura starts the van, and they drive out of the gas station.


INT. VAN ON HIGHWAY - LATER

Laura and Noah continue on to South Carolina. Jeter is sound
asleep on Noah’s lap.

NOAH
So how do you like being a lawyer?

LAURA
A lot of hours. I do a lot of
divorce cases. Not exactly the
kind of law I was looking to
pursue; it just sort of happened.
It’s kind of depressing.
31.

NOAH
I know.

LAURA
Your Mom and I really weren’t very
close. We’ve talked a few times
over the years, but our lives were
completely different. Law school
was tough, and I was working two
jobs to pay for it all. Not much
time for anything else.

NOAH
Yeah, well, my Mom was working a
lot, too. She did everything for
me.

Noah stares out the window. There is an awkward silence.
Suddenly, Laura starts to scowl.

LAURA
Wow, how much beef jerky did you
feed him??

NOAH
Oh, That’s bad...open your
window...

Laura opens her window. Jeter sleeps soundly as they react to
smell of the dog farting.

LAURA
(laughing)
...Damn, that’s rank!

NOAH
Should we stop? That’s not normal.

LAURA
First thing when we get to
Charleston..he’s going to the vet!

Noah laughs and reacts to the stinky fart as they continue
driving.
Genres: ["Drama","Family","Road Trip"]

Summary At a gas station, Noah encounters an abandoned stray dog and impulsively feeds it jerky. Despite Laura's initial reluctance, Noah's attachment to the dog, which he names Jeter, persuades her to keep it. As they drive away, Jeter's unexpected flatulence provides both amusement and concern, but the duo continues their journey with Jeter happily snoozing on Noah's lap.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Natural dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Slight lack of external conflict
  • Some tonal shifts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances emotional depth with moments of light-heartedness, creating a compelling and engaging narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a road trip to Charleston following a tragic event is well-executed, with the introduction of the dog adding a unique and heartwarming element to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Noah and Laura embark on their journey, setting the stage for potential character development and further exploration of their relationship.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar scenario of unexpected companionship but adds a fresh twist with the inclusion of Jeter and the comedic element of the dog farting. The authenticity of the characters' reactions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Noah and Laura are well-developed characters with depth and complexity, each dealing with their own struggles and emotions in a realistic manner.

Character Changes: 7

Both Noah and Laura undergo subtle changes as they navigate their grief and begin to form a new bond during their journey.

Internal Goal: 8

Noah's internal goal in this scene is to navigate his newfound responsibility of taking care of the abandoned dog, Jeter. This reflects his deeper need for connection, responsibility, and empathy.

External Goal: 7

Noah's external goal is to continue the journey to South Carolina with Laura. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing, including the unexpected addition of Jeter to their trip.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is an underlying conflict in the form of Noah's emotional turmoil and the aftermath of the tragic event, the scene focuses more on the characters' internal struggles.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is relatively mild, focusing more on the internal conflicts and dynamics between the characters rather than external obstacles. The audience is left wondering how Noah and Laura will navigate their new responsibilities and connections.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively high for Noah and Laura as they navigate the aftermath of a tragic event and embark on a new chapter in their lives.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by establishing the new dynamic between Noah and Laura and hinting at potential developments in their relationship.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in its overall trajectory, focusing on the development of Noah and Laura's relationship through their interactions with Jeter. However, the unexpected element of Jeter's presence adds a layer of unpredictability to their journey.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the theme of responsibility and unexpected connections. Noah's sense of duty clashes with Laura's initial reluctance to take care of Jeter, highlighting their differing values and perspectives on compassion and commitment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly in the moments of vulnerability and connection between Noah and Laura.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is natural and reflective of the characters' personalities, providing insight into their thoughts and feelings.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, emotion, and character dynamics. The interactions between Noah, Laura, and Jeter create a sense of connection and empathy, drawing the audience into their journey.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, balancing moments of introspection with light-hearted humor and character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and character actions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear and coherent structure, transitioning smoothly between different locations and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction, as it meanders without a strong narrative focus.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, particularly in the interaction between Noah and Laura.
  • The introduction of the dog, Jeter, feels abrupt and doesn't add much to the scene or character development.
  • The transition from the gas station to the van is disjointed and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • The conversation between Noah and Laura about their respective lives and careers feels out of place and doesn't contribute significantly to the overall story.
Suggestions
  • Consider streamlining the scene to focus on a specific objective or interaction that moves the story forward.
  • Work on making the dialogue more authentic and reflective of the characters' personalities and emotions.
  • Integrate the introduction of Jeter in a more organic way that adds depth to the characters or advances the plot.
  • Improve the transition between locations to create a seamless flow between the gas station and the van.
  • Ensure that every conversation and interaction in the scene serves a purpose in advancing the character development or plot.



Scene 13 -  Grief and Connection: A Moment at the Crossroads
INT. COACH MILLER’S HOUSE - DAY

COACH JACKSON MILLER, late 30’s and coach of the St. Michael’s
Crusaders baseball team, stands at the stove attempting to make
scrambled eggs. KOLE MILLER, 14 years old, sits at the table.
The house is cluttered. There definitely is not a woman
present. Kole pokes at the food in front of him.
32.

KOLE
They’re burnt. Even the butter is
burnt. Tastes like plastic.

COACH MILLER
Quit complaining and eat.

Kole attempts to eat. Sadness takes over the room.

KOLE
I miss Mom.

COACH MILLER
I know. Me too.

Jackson looks at Kole. He picks up the plate and tosses it in
the sink.

COACH MILLER
Waffle House?

KOLE
Oh yeah!

They immediately get up and head for the door.


EXT. COACH MILLER’S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER

Kole watches as a moving van pulls into the driveway next door.
He grabs his baseball bag off of the porch and slings it over
his shoulder. Laura, Noah, and Jeter hop out of the van. Coach
Miller steps onto the porch with Kole.

COACH MILLER
Hi. Moving in?

LAURA
Yes, sir. I’m Laura. This is Noah
and Jeter.

Jeter dutifully sits next to Noah, like he’s been with him his
whole life.

NOAH
Hi.

Coach Miller takes note of Noah’s size.

COACH MILLER
Nice to meet you. I’m Jackson
Miller, and this is my son, Kole.
Are you still in high school?
33.

NOAH
Yes, sir.

COACH MILLER
Going to St. Michael’s, I hope?

LAURA
Yes. All set for the fall.

KOLE
Too bad you’ll have to cut your
hair. What happened to your arm?

There is an awkward silence. Noah doesn’t answer. Noah turns
and walks towards the house. Jeter follows.

NOAH
(walking away)
Nice meeting you.

He opens the door and walks inside. Laura is a little
embarrassed and tries to explain.

LAURA
He’s had a rough go of it these
past few weeks. He just lost both
of his parents.

Jackson puts his arm around his son and pulls him close. Kole
looks down, hiding his sadness. Laura seems to read between the
lines and senses that they have been through something life-
changing as well.

LAURA
Nice meeting you both.

COACH MILLER
Same.

Laura walks inside.

COACH MILLER (CONT’D)
(to Kole)
Let’s hit that Waffle House.

Kole smiles at his Dad.
Genres: ["Drama","Family"]

Summary A father and son grappling with grief find solace in a chance encounter with a single mother and her son, who have also experienced loss. Their shared pain brings them together, despite the awkwardness that arises from their respective circumstances.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Lack of immediate conflict
  • Some cliched elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the emotional tone and introduces key characters while hinting at past trauma and potential growth.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of starting anew after a tragedy is compelling and sets the stage for character development.

Plot: 7

The plot introduces the main characters, establishes their relationships, and hints at potential conflicts to come.

Originality: 8

The scene demonstrates originality through its nuanced exploration of grief, family dynamics, and new beginnings. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to familiar themes.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and show depth through their interactions and reactions.

Character Changes: 6

Noah and Laura are beginning a new chapter in their lives, hinting at potential character growth and change.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate his feelings of sadness and loss after the mention of his mother. This reflects his deeper need for emotional connection and support during a difficult time.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to interact with the new neighbors and potentially make new connections. This reflects the immediate circumstances of adjusting to change and building relationships.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

There is a subtle conflict hinted at with Noah's past trauma and the awkward interaction with the neighbors.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and uncertainty, particularly in the protagonist's interactions with the new neighbors and his own emotional struggles.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on emotional and relational dynamics.

Story Forward: 7

The scene sets the stage for future developments and hints at potential conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in its emotional twists and turns, keeping the audience invested in the characters' evolving relationships and personal struggles.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the contrast between loss and new beginnings. The protagonist's experience of grief and the new neighbors' fresh start challenge his beliefs about coping with change and moving forward.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of sadness, hope, and awkwardness, drawing the audience into the characters' emotional journey.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and reveals information about the characters' pasts and current situations.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of its relatable themes, emotional depth, and realistic character dynamics that draw the audience into the protagonist's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, allowing for moments of reflection and character development to unfold naturally.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene's formatting is clear and concise, following the expected format for a screenplay in its genre.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a natural progression of character interactions and emotional beats, adhering to the expected structure for a character-driven drama.


Critique
  • The scene lacks depth and emotional resonance considering the heavy events that have just taken place in Noah's life. The dialogue between Coach Miller and Kole feels superficial and doesn't delve into the emotional impact of losing a loved one.
  • The transition from Kole expressing his sadness about missing his mom to immediately suggesting Waffle House feels abrupt and doesn't allow for a genuine exploration of grief.
  • The interaction between Laura, Noah, and Coach Miller lacks authenticity and emotional depth. The characters' responses to Noah's recent trauma seem superficial and rushed.
  • The dialogue feels forced and lacks natural flow, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters and their emotions.
  • The scene could benefit from more nuanced interactions and deeper exploration of the characters' emotions and struggles in the aftermath of the tragic events.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more emotional depth to the scene by allowing the characters to express their grief and struggles more authentically.
  • Provide space for the characters to process their emotions and reactions to the recent traumatic events before moving on to lighter topics like going to Waffle House.
  • Focus on creating genuine and meaningful interactions between the characters to make the scene more impactful and engaging for the audience.
  • Work on improving the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' emotional states and the gravity of the situation.
  • Consider incorporating subtle visual cues and non-verbal communication to convey the characters' inner turmoil and emotional journey in a more nuanced way.



Scene 14 -  Caring for Noah
INT. LAURA'S HOUSE - DAY

Laura unloads dishes in the kitchen. She grabs a glass and
fills it with water from the sink and hands the glass to Noah.
Noah’s hand trembles as he takes one of his pills.
34.

LAURA
School doesn’t start for two
weeks. You don’t have to go if
you’re not ready.

Laura keeps a close eye on Noah.

LAURA (CONT’D)
I have a deposition I need to
prepare for. You ok?

NOAH
I have to cut my hair?

Jeter is sitting right next to Noah.

LAURA
Yes. Catholic school rules. Don’t
forget Jeter has a vet appointment
at eleven. He’s right on main
street.

NOAH
I won’t forget. We’ll go for a
nice walk.

Noah rubs Jeter’s head and Jeter gives Noah big kisses.

Noah heads for the door. Laura stops Noah by gently touching
his shoulder.

LAURA
Noah, I’m sorry for what I said
before..at the gas station. You’re
not a problem. This is going to be
an adjustment for all of us. I’m
glad you’re here and I just want
to make sure you have everything
you need...if there’s anything I
can do..

NOAH
Got it.
(to Jeter)
Let’s go.


EXT. LAURA'S HOUSE - DAY

Noah and Jeter step out onto the front porch. Noah stops and
makes a fist with his left hand and winces in pain.

Jeter watches and suddenly leaps off the porch and runs out
onto the grass. He finds a baseball and picks it up. Jeter
stops and waits for Noah.
35.

Noah walks over to Jeter and looks down at him.

They both continue walking.


EXT. VETS OFFICE - LATER

Noah and Jeter approach the front door. Jeter still has the
ball in his mouth.

BLAKE HOPKINS, 16 years old and a stunner, is behind the
counter.

BLAKE
Hi. Who do we have here?

NOAH
This is Jeter.

Blake types into a computer. Jeter puts his paws up on the
counter to get a better look at Blake.

BLAKE
New Patient. He’s cute!

Blake looks a Noah when she says this, flirting.

NOAH
I found him at a gas station in
Mississippi. He hasn’t left my
side since.

BLAKE
Wow. You just move here?

NOAH
Yea, from Texas.

BLAKE
What happened to your arm?

NOAH
Oh this?
(jokingly)
Gunshot.

BLAKE
Funny, well, welcome to
Charleston. Have a seat. My Dad
will be right with you.

Noah and Jeter sit.
36.
Genres: ["Drama","Family","Coming-of-age"]

Summary Laura shows concern for Noah's well-being, reminding him of his options and providing support. Their close bond is evident as they discuss his upcoming appointment and Noah's hair. Jeter's presence provides comfort, and his playful nature brings a lighthearted moment. At the vet's office, receptionist Blake's flirtatious demeanor adds a touch of humor, while the underlying tension between Laura and Noah is resolved through Laura's apology and Noah's positive response. Noah's physical pain in his hand remains a potential concern.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Authentic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant conflict
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up a new chapter in Noah's life with emotional depth and a sense of hope for the future.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of starting over in a new place with a new guardian and a loyal companion is engaging and sets the stage for character development.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the everyday activities of Noah settling into his new life, which is essential for character building and setting the tone for future events.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces familiar themes of adjustment and responsibility but adds a fresh perspective through the interactions between the characters and the setting.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Noah and Laura are well-developed characters with depth and emotional complexity. Their interactions drive the scene and create a strong emotional connection with the audience.

Character Changes: 7

Noah shows signs of opening up and adjusting to his new life, while Laura demonstrates her nurturing and supportive nature, hinting at potential character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Noah's internal goal in this scene is to adjust to his new surroundings and show gratitude towards Laura for taking him in. This reflects his need for acceptance and belonging after a difficult past.

External Goal: 7

Noah's external goal is to take care of Jeter and ensure he gets to his vet appointment on time. This reflects the immediate challenge of settling into a new routine and taking responsibility for another living being.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The scene lacks significant conflict, focusing more on the emotional journey of the characters and their new beginnings.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with hints of potential conflicts and challenges for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on the emotional and relational aspects of the characters' lives.

Story Forward: 6

The scene sets the stage for future developments in Noah's journey and establishes key relationships that will drive the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 6

The scene is somewhat predictable in its progression but still holds interest due to the emotional depth of the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between Noah's past in Texas and his new life in Charleston. This challenges his beliefs and values as he navigates the differences between the two environments.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the tender moments between Noah, Laura, and Jeter, creating a heartfelt connection with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and reflective of the characters' personalities, fostering a sense of authenticity and emotional resonance.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the relatable character dynamics and the sense of warmth and connection between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional resonance through character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard screenplay formatting conventions for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical domestic setting structure with clear character interactions and progression.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction, with the dialogue feeling disconnected and lacking depth.
  • The interaction between Laura and Noah feels superficial and lacks emotional depth, considering the heavy themes and backstory of the characters.
  • The transition between Laura unloading dishes to Noah taking his pill is abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • Noah's hand trembling while taking the pill is a powerful visual cue, but it could be further explored to convey the internal struggles he is facing.
  • The dialogue between Laura and Noah about school starting in two weeks and the vet appointment for Jeter feels mundane and does not add much to the overall narrative or character development.
  • The flirtatious interaction between Noah and Blake at the vet's office feels forced and out of place, especially considering the serious tone of the script.
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and fails to effectively convey the complex emotions and dynamics between the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more depth to the interaction between Laura and Noah by exploring their emotional struggles and the impact of their recent experiences.
  • Focus on developing the characters' internal conflicts and motivations to create a more engaging and meaningful scene.
  • Enhance the dialogue to reflect the characters' emotional states and provide insight into their thoughts and feelings.
  • Improve the pacing and transitions between different beats of the scene to create a more cohesive and engaging narrative flow.
  • Consider revising the interaction between Noah and Blake at the vet's office to align with the overall tone and themes of the screenplay.



Scene 15 -  A Day of Adjustments
INT. EXAM ROOM - DAY

It’s the end of the exam. The doctor brings Jeter back into the
exam room.

VET
You’re all set. Here’s Jeter’s
updated rabies tag. He’s already
been fixed so you don’t have to
worry about that. And I checked if
he was chipped, which he isn’t.
Blood work looks good, too. You’ve
got yourself a great pup.

Jeter runs to Noah, tail wagging.

NOAH
Thanks.

VET
Blake will check you out.

Noah takes Jeter.

NOAH
Come on Jete.

Jeter grabs the baseball from the floor.


INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Blake finishes the transaction. She hands him the receipt.

NOAH
Thanks.

Noah takes the receipt and heads to the exit.

BLAKE
You going to St. Michael’s?

NOAH
So I’m told.

BLAKE
Me too! See you at school. Take
care of that gunshot injury!

Noah smiles at Blake and exits.
37.

INT. ROCKFORD HOUSE - DAY (DREAM SEQUENCE)

Noah stands on the pitcher’s mound. Something catches his eye.

Rita stands in the batter’s box. She holds her hands over her
stomach as the blood seeps through her fingertips.

RITA
...Noah...help me...

END DREAM SEQUENCE


INT. NOAH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Noah jolts straight up, drenched in sweat, breathing heavily.
His hair has already been cut for school. It’s 4 am. Jeter sits
up and curiously looks at him. Noah swings his legs out of the
bed and he sits for a moment, gathering his thoughts. He picks
up his phone and checks his notifications.

INSERT - IPHONE SCREEN

“Andrew Hoover is proud to announce his commitment to play
baseball at Florida Southern College” is emblazoned on the
twitter feed.

BACK TO SCENE

Noah shakes his head and puts down the phone. He gets out of
bed.


EXT. LAURA'S HOUSE - LATER

Noah steps onto the porch. He’s wearing shorts, a t-shirt, and
sneakers. He breathes in the moist Charleston air, steps off
of the porch, and starts running.


EXT. ST MICHAEL'S SCHOOL - LATER

Noah runs up to the school and stops. He looks at the baseball
field off in the distance. He pulls the sling up and over his
head, removing the contraption from his arm. He slowly
straightens out his arm and tosses the sling in the garbage
can.


EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - NIGHT

Noah and Jeter stand on the edge of the third base line. Jeter
dashes onto the field, casting a fleeting glance back at Noah.
38.

Noah follows, his steps measured as he walks onto the pitcher’s
mound.

Noah takes a deep breath in through his nose, taking in the
distinct smells of the ball field. Noah picks up a rogue
baseball from the pitchers mound. He looks at the ball in his
hand, then angrily hurls the ball into the backstop of the
batters box. He cries out in pain from his healing arm.

Thunder rolls off in the distance and heat lightning brightens
the early morning sky. Jeter walks up to Noah, trembling, and
nudges his leg. Noah leans down to comfort the dog.

NOAH
You afraid of thunder? Let’s get
you home.

Noah and Jeter jog away from the field. Off in the distance,
FATHER ED, late fifties, and the pastor at St. Michael’s,
curiously watches Noah and Jeter as they jog away.


INT. LAURA'S BEDROOM - LATER

Laura slaps at the alarm going off on her cell phone. She puts
her head back down on the pillow for five more minutes, but
hears rustling in the next room and is jolted back to the
reality of a teenage boy in her kitchen.

She sits up, takes a deep breath, and swings her legs out of
the bed.


INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

Laura walks into the kitchen to make coffee. She is stunned to
see Noah sitting at the table, in a school uniform, dressed and
ready to go.

NOAH
I made coffee.

LAURA
I see that. I like the uniform.

Noah sits silently, awkward. Laura goes into the cupboard and
gets Noah’s medication.

LAURA (CONT’D)
Here you go.

Noah puts the pill in his mouth and washes it down with the
coffee.
39.

LAURA
Where’s your sling?

NOAH
I’m tired of people asking about
it. My arm’s fine, just a little
sore. I’ll wait outside for you.

Noah gets up from the table grabs his backpack and walks
outside. Jeter follows.

Laura is left standing alone in the kitchen.

LAURA
...and good morning.


EXT. LAURA'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Jeter runs over and grabs the baseball from the front porch. He
brings it back to Noah and drops it at his feet.

Noah reaches down and picks up the ball.

KOLE (O.S)
Hey! Throw it here!

Noah turns to see Kole on his front stoop. Kole has his mitt
on.

KOLE (CONT’D)
Come on! Let’s see what you got.

Noah, reluctant, lightly tosses the ball to Kole.

KOLE
Wow. A lefty, like me. You a
pitcher?

NOAH
I was. But I hurt my arm. I just
need to rest it for a few weeks.

KOLE
My Dad’s the baseball coach at
Saint Michaels, but I’m still not
getting any playing time. I can
throw strikes but my velocity
isn’t there.

NOAH
How old are you?

KOLE
Just turned 15. I’m a freshman.
40.

NOAH
You’ve got time, you just gotta
get a little bigger.

KOLE
That’s what everyone says. Maybe
you could give me some pointers?

Noah favors his left arm as Laura hurriedly exits the house.
Clad in a business suit with a vintage Coach satchel slung over
her shoulder, she rushes past Noah to the car.

LAURA
Let’s go.
(to Kole)
You need a ride?

KOLE
I’m good. My Dad takes me.

Just then, Coach Miller walks out of the house.

COACH MILLER
Morning!

Laura and Noah ad-lib their good mornings.

NOAH
(to Jeter)
Stay.

Jeter reluctantly sits and lets out a little sigh.

NOAH (CONT’D)
(to Kole)
See you at school. If you want to
get bigger, eat everything. That’s
my advice.

KOLE
I’ll do that. Thanks!

Noah gets in the passenger seat and Laura starts backing out of
the driveway

KOLE (CONT’D)
(to his dad) Do we have time for
waffle house?
Genres: ["Drama","Sports"]

Summary Noah navigates his first day of school after his injury, encountering friends and challenges. Despite his pain, he offers baseball advice to a neighbor and surprises his mother with his determination. As he leaves for school, the baseball coach observes his departure.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Theme exploration
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a range of emotions and sets up potential character growth and conflict. It introduces new elements while building on existing storylines.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of healing from trauma, rebuilding relationships, and pursuing one's passion in the face of adversity is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses by showing Noah's determination to overcome his past and return to baseball. The introduction of Kole adds a new layer of potential conflict and growth.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces familiar themes of identity and overcoming challenges but presents them in a fresh and engaging way. The characters feel authentic and the dialogue is realistic.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are complex and engaging, with Noah's internal struggles and Laura's supportive role being particularly well-developed.

Character Changes: 8

Noah shows signs of growth and determination to overcome his past trauma and return to his passion for baseball.

Internal Goal: 8

Noah's internal goal is to overcome his physical and emotional challenges, including his arm injury and the trauma of a past event. He is also struggling with his identity as a former baseball player.

External Goal: 7

Noah's external goal is to navigate his relationships with his family, friends, and community, as well as to find his place in the world.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is internal conflict within Noah as he grapples with his past and his future in baseball. The potential mentorship with Kole introduces external conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, but not overwhelming. It sets up potential obstacles for the protagonist to overcome.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Noah as he navigates his past trauma, his future in baseball, and his new life with Laura.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by setting up new relationships, conflicts, and potential growth for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements like the dream sequence and hints at future conflicts and developments.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between Noah's desire to move on from his past and his struggle to come to terms with it. This conflict challenges his beliefs about himself and his future.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through themes of loss, healing, and determination.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is natural and serves to reveal character dynamics and emotions effectively.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it introduces intriguing characters, sets up conflicts and goals, and creates a sense of mystery and tension.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and moving the story forward at a steady pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined beats and transitions between locations. It effectively sets up the protagonist's goals and conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear emotional throughline or character development for Noah. While there are hints of trauma and inner conflict, they are not fully explored or resolved.
  • The transition from the vet's office to the dream sequence feels abrupt and disjointed, making it difficult for the audience to follow the narrative flow.
  • The dream sequence involving Rita's appeal for help is heavy-handed and lacks subtlety, coming across as melodramatic.
  • Noah's sudden awakening from the nightmare and his subsequent actions feel rushed and disconnected, diminishing the impact of his emotional turmoil.
  • The interaction with Blake at the vet's office and the mention of Noah's gunshot injury seem out of place and do not contribute significantly to the scene's overall purpose.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing Noah's emotional journey and trauma in a more nuanced and gradual manner.
  • Consider a smoother transition between the vet's office, the dream sequence, and Noah's awakening to create a more cohesive narrative.
  • Revisit the dream sequence to add depth and complexity to Noah's inner conflict, avoiding cliched or overly dramatic elements.
  • Slow down the pacing of Noah's actions after waking up to allow for a more impactful exploration of his emotional state.
  • Ensure that all interactions and dialogue in the scene serve a clear purpose and contribute to the overall character development and story progression.



Scene 16 -  Clash in the Principal's Office
INT. PRINCIPAL WATTS OFFICE - DAY

Laura and Noah sit at the desk. SCHOOL PRINCIPAL WATTS looks
through Noah’s file.
41.

WATTS
Decent grades. A lot of colleges
interested in you playing baseball
for them. Wow..a lot of offers.
Have you considered any of these?

NOAH
No. I’m not playing right now.

Laura’s cell phone keeps buzzing notifications. Each time she
briefly glances at her phone.

WATTS
How are you adjusting to your new
living situation?

NOAH
I’m good.
(to Laura)
You should go. I’ll be fine.

LAURA
I’m sorry...
(to Watts)
I’m late.

Watts hands Noah a schedule and a student ID lanyard. Noah puts
it on.

WATTS
We’re just about finished. Just
consider playing baseball.

Noah angrily slams his hand on the desk. He winces from the
pain in his arm.

NOAH
I’ll play when I’m ready. Are you
deaf?

LAURA
Noah!

WATTS
Watch your tone young man.

Noah stands.

NOAH
My parents are dead and all you
people care about is me playing
baseball! I’m going to class.

Noah walks out of the office, not even waiting for an answer.
Laura takes in what Noah is saying.
42.

LAURA
Hmm. He does have a point. Thank
you.

Laura goes after Noah.


EXT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Laura hurriedly walks after Noah.

LAURA
Noah, wait...Noah! Are you ok?

NOAH
I just want to get through the
day. Get going. You’re late
because of me.

LAURA
Hey... I just want you to know,
you’re right. Everyone needs to
back off with the baseball thing,
including me. I’m sorry.

NOAH
Go to work.

Laura awkwardly goes for a hug and Noah takes a defensive step
back. She pats him on the shoulder instead.

NOAH
I’m sorry.

LAURA
It’s alright. Bye.

Noah watches her go.


EXT. SCHOOL COURTYARD - LATER

Students eat lunch in the courtyard. Noah sits alone, eats and
observes everyone. Across the courtyard, he sees Blake. She is
arguing with a boy. From a distance, it looks pretty serious.

BRODY HOPKINS is arguing with his twin sister, Blake.

BLAKE
...NO!

BRODY
Blake, give me the keys! You had
the car yesterday...
43.

BLAKE
Mom said I get the car today
because you keep forgetting to
flush the toilet!

BRODY
It wasn’t me!

Brody grabs Blake and pins her arms to her body.

BLAKE
(screaming)
Stop! Let go of me!

Noah stands and bolts after Blake. Brody sees him coming and
lets go of Blake.

BRODY
What’s up?

Before Brody can react, Noah decks him. Blake screams. Brody
goes down like a sack of potatoes. Noah reacts slightly from
the pain in his injured arm.

BLAKE
Oh my god! What’s wrong with you!!

Blake runs to her brother. He’s trying to recover from being
punched in the face.

NOAH
He was hurting you!

BLAKE
He’s my brother!!
(She shoves Noah)
We fight like this all the time!

Noah is mortified. Father Ed sees the commotion and makes a
bee-line to Noah.

NOAH
Oh shit. I’m sorry. I thought he
was hurting you...I’m sorry man.

Father Ed motions to Noah.

FATHER ED
You. Let’s go. And who are you?

Father Ed pulls Noah’s lanyard off of him to check his ID.

NOAH
Noah Rockford. My first day.
44.

FATHER ED
Of course it is.

Father Ed and Noah walking away. Blake helps Brody get up.

BRODY (to Blake)
Can I have the keys?

Blake smacks her brother in the shoulder and gives him the
keys. Blake watches Noah walk away. She’s intrigued and
slightly smiles.
Genres: ["Drama","Coming-of-age"]

Summary Principal Watts and Noah discuss his future, including baseball, but Noah is resistant due to grief and pressure. Laura becomes a source of apology and acknowledgment. Noah defends Blake against her brother, leading to a conflict with Blake and discipline from Father Ed.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension-building
  • Realistic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched moments
  • Slightly predictable plot points

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and internal conflict of the protagonist while introducing new characters and setting up potential storylines.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a troubled teenager dealing with loss and adjusting to a new life is compelling and relatable. The introduction of conflict and character dynamics adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses by showing the protagonist's struggle to adapt to his new school environment and the challenges he faces in dealing with his past trauma. The introduction of new characters and conflicts adds layers to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh and authentic situations, such as Noah's struggle with grief and identity, and his impulsive actions to protect others. The dialogue feels genuine and captures the complexities of teenage relationships.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations. The interactions between the protagonist, Laura, and other students reveal their complexities and set the stage for future developments.

Character Changes: 7

Noah undergoes a subtle change in perspective, realizing the need to confront his past and adjust to his new reality. The introduction of new characters and conflicts also sets the stage for potential character development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Noah's internal goal in this scene is to assert his independence and deal with the emotional trauma of losing his parents. His outburst in the principal's office reflects his deeper need for understanding and autonomy.

External Goal: 7

Noah's external goal is to navigate his new school environment and establish his identity. His actions in the courtyard reflect his desire to protect others and stand up against injustice.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, from the protagonist's emotional turmoil to the physical altercation between Noah and Brody. The conflicts drive the narrative forward and add tension to the story.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting desires and values between characters leading to intense confrontations and emotional outbursts. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of the conflicts.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for the protagonist as he navigates his new school environment, confronts his past trauma, and tries to find his place in a new community. The conflicts and emotional challenges raise the stakes for future events.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, characters, and themes, setting up future plotlines and character arcs. It also hints at potential developments and challenges for the protagonist.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and reactions of the characters, such as Noah's impulsive decision to protect Blake and the ensuing confrontation with Brody. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the balance between individual agency and societal expectations. Noah's defiance of authority and his protective instincts towards others challenge the traditional values of obedience and conformity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly through the protagonist's struggles and the themes of loss and adjustment. The intense moments and poignant interactions create a powerful emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and tensions between the characters, especially during the confrontation between Noah and Brody. It also sets up potential conflicts and relationships for future scenes.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflicts, relatable character motivations, and unpredictable plot developments. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional impact, with well-timed dialogue exchanges and character actions. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding drama.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic high school setting, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm effectively build tension and emotional impact.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from the previous scene at the driveway, making it feel slightly disjointed.
  • Noah's outburst and anger towards Principal Watts could be more nuanced and layered to reflect his internal struggles and trauma.
  • The dialogue between Noah and Laura, while emotional, could benefit from more depth and exploration of their relationship dynamics.
  • The physical altercation between Noah and Brody feels somewhat abrupt and could be better justified within the context of the scene.
  • The resolution with Laura apologizing and Noah's reaction could be more impactful and emotionally resonant.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition from the previous scene to establish better continuity.
  • Develop Noah's emotional outburst towards Principal Watts to reflect his internal conflict and trauma more effectively.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Noah and Laura to delve deeper into their relationship and the impact of Noah's trauma on their interactions.
  • Provide more context or build-up to the physical altercation between Noah and Brody to make it feel more justified and realistic.
  • Strengthen the resolution between Laura and Noah to create a more poignant and meaningful moment of understanding and connection.



Scene 17 -  Confrontation and Apology
INT. FATHER ED’S OFFICE - DAY

Father Ed and Noah walk into his office. It looks like a cross
between an old baseball museum and an ancient library. Books
and papers are stacked everywhere, along with plenty of
baseball memorabilia.

NOAH
Sir, I thought she was being
attacked. I didn’t know that was
her brother.

Father Ed sits at his desk.

FATHER ED
I saw what happened. I understand.
But you just can’t go around
punching people in the face.

NOAH
I know. I’m sorry. Am I getting
suspended?

FATHER ED
Take a seat.

Noah sits as Father Ed looks at the ID and starts typing on his
computer. Noah curiously scans the room as deafening silence
takes over. Father Ed reads his file. It feels like an
eternity.

FATHER ED
You’re not suspended, but I’m
giving you early detention. Report
to the chapel, 5:30 am tomorrow
morning. Wear work clothes. You’ll
have time to go home and change
for school afterwards.

Father Ed hands back the lanyard.
45.

NOAH
Yes, sir.

Noah leaves the office.


INT. LAURA'S HOUSE - MORNING

Noah sits up with a jolt, drenched in sweat, breathing heavily
from a terrible dream. It’s 4 am. Noah swings his legs out of
the bed. Jeter sits up next to Noah. He jumps off the bed and
waits patiently.


EXT. LAURA'S HOUSE - LATER

Noah steps onto the porch. Jeter walks out with him.

NOAH
(to Jeter)
Stay.

Noah hops on his bicycle and peddles off. Jeter grabs his ball
and follows a short distance behind.


EXT. ST. MICHAEL’S SCHOOL - LATER

Noah rides past the sports fields. He sees Blake, goalie
lacrosse stick in hand, throwing and catching a lacrosse ball
against a brick wall. He rides his bicycle up to her.

NOAH
You’re out here early.

Blake slightly turns to see Noah, but doesn’t stop throwing and
catching.

BLAKE
I’m getting ready for Under Armour
South tryouts. They’re next
weekend at IMG in Florida and I
need to make the team if I want to
have any chance of playing at
Clemson.

NOAH
They have that for baseball, too.

BLAKE
You play? What are you doing here?
46.

NOAH
I have early detention for decking
your brother.

Blake misses a rebound and the ball bounces back to Noah. He
makes a barehanded catch and holds onto the ball. Blake focuses
all of her attention on Noah.

BLAKE
I’m not some damsel in distress. I
can take care of myself.

Blake holds the goalie stick up, signaling for Noah to throw
the ball back to her.

NOAH
I’m sorry..I overreacted. Is your
brother ok?

BLAKE
He’s fine. He has a hard head. It
was kind of cool, though. You
defending me like that.

Noah still holding onto the ball.

BLAKE (CONT’D)
Am I gonna have to take that ball
back?

Blake smiles at Noah, she’s not afraid to mess with him. Noah
finally throws the ball back to her.

NOAH
I gotta go. Detention awaits.

Noah turns to leave.

BLAKE
There’s a dance in a few weeks.
Are you going?

NOAH
No. I don’t have a girlfriend so..

BLAKE
Well I don’t have a boyfriend. So
I’ll see you there.

Blake smiles at Noah and goes back to her wall ball drill.
47.
Genres: ["Drama","Coming-of-age","Sports"]

Summary Noah discusses his punishment with Father Ed. He apologizes to Blake for overreacting and she asks him to the dance.
Strengths
  • Effective character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic consequences
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Pacing could be improved in certain parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively delves into Noah's internal conflict and showcases his growth and willingness to take responsibility for his actions.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of redemption and facing consequences for one's actions is well-executed in this scene.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Noah faces the repercussions of his impulsive behavior and begins to make amends.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh character dynamics and explores themes of forgiveness and redemption in a nuanced way. The dialogue feels authentic and the interactions are engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Noah's character development is highlighted, especially in his interactions with Blake and Father Ed.

Character Changes: 8

Noah undergoes a significant change as he reflects on his actions and takes steps towards redemption.

Internal Goal: 8

Noah's internal goal in this scene is to seek forgiveness and redemption for his actions, as well as to understand and connect with Blake on a deeper level. This reflects his desire for acceptance and belonging.

External Goal: 7

Noah's external goal is to navigate the consequences of his actions, specifically the early detention he receives from Father Ed. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in the story.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict arises from Noah's impulsive actions and the consequences he faces.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and challenge the characters, adding depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are moderate as Noah faces detention and the need to make amends for his actions.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by showing Noah's growth and the consequences of his actions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected character dynamics and the nuanced exploration of forgiveness and redemption.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of forgiveness, redemption, and self-awareness. It challenges Noah's beliefs about his own actions and the impact they have on others.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes emotions of regret, hope, and determination in the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys Noah's remorse and determination to make things right.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the authentic character interactions, emotional depth, and subtle humor. The dialogue and actions keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for its genre, enhancing readability and understanding.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure that effectively conveys the character dynamics and narrative progression. It maintains a good pace and rhythm.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition between Father Ed's office and Laura's house, causing a disjointed flow in the narrative.
  • Noah's sudden decision to wake up at 4 am and go to school without any explanation or motivation feels abrupt and unrealistic.
  • The interaction between Noah and Blake at the school lacks depth and emotional resonance, making it feel superficial and lacking in character development.
  • The dialogue between Noah and Blake feels forced and lacks authenticity, especially in their exchange about the dance.
  • The scene could benefit from more internal monologue or emotional introspection from Noah to provide insight into his thoughts and feelings.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between scenes to improve the overall coherence of the narrative.
  • Provide more context or reasoning behind Noah's early morning bike ride and interaction with Blake to make his actions more believable.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Noah and Blake to make it more authentic and reflective of their characters' personalities.
  • Include more internal thoughts or emotions from Noah to deepen his character development and engage the audience on a deeper level.
  • Consider adding subtle hints or foreshadowing of future events to build anticipation and intrigue in the scene.



Scene 18 -  Cleaning and Punishment
INT. CHAPEL - MORNING

Noah enters the chapel. The sun is just rising and the space is
bathed in light. It is beautiful as Noah takes it all in.

FATHER ED (O.S.)
Back here.

Noah turns and sees Father Ed. He waves for him to follow. They
walk down a hallway to a storage closet. Father Ed opens the
door.

FATHER ED
Grab the mop and bucket. Follow
me.

Noah grabs the yellow bucket and mop. He quickly wheels it
along and follows Father Ed. He leads Noah to the men’s room.

FATHER ED
Clean the bathroom, mop the
floors. When you’re finished, do
the ladies room. I’ll be in my
office. Come see me when you’re
done.

Father Ed leaves Noah standing alone in the hallway. Noah is
not happy.


INT. MEN'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Noah scans the restroom. Paper towels are strewn about, garbage
cans are full. He’s not sure where to begin. He starts
gathering the garbage together and throws everything in the
can.

Noah fills the mop bucket with hot water from a faucet in the
mens room.

Noah mops the floors. He awkwardly lifts the mop and slaps it
back in the bucket, then slaps it back on the floor.

Noah scrubs a toilet with a long brush. He uses his foot to
flush and his face looks grossed out.

Noah walks into the ladies room. The door slams behind him but
he quickly exits and looks like he is going to vomit. He pauses
for a moment, and then, determined, goes back in to get the job
done.
48.

EXT. FATHER ED'S OFFICE - LATER

There is a knock on the door.

FATHER ED
Come in.

Noah walks in. Father Ed doesn’t look up. He’s on the phone.

FATHER ED
(into phone)
Just let him know Father Ed From
St. Michael’s parish called.
Thanks.

Father Ed hangs up.

NOAH
I’m finished. I rinsed the bucket
and mop and put it back in the
closet.

FATHER ED
Good. See you tomorrow. Same time.

Noah makes an annoyed face.

FATHER ED (CONT’D)
(looking up)
I see you played baseball at your
last school. You plan on playing
at Saint Michaels?

NOAH
I hurt my arm. I need to shut it
down for a few weeks.

FATHER ED
How long has it been?

NOAH
10 weeks, 2 days.

Noah’s eyes well up, and he catches himself thinking about the
time that has passed since his parent’s death. Father Ed sees
this, removes his reading glasses and studies Noah.

FATHER ED
I want you playing baseball. Let’s
get you at least working out with
the team, being mindful of your
arm, of course. Close the door on
your way out.
49.

NOAH
(defiantly)
No way. I’m not playing.

FATHER ED
I’m not asking. Consider it a part
of your punishment.

Noah’s face sinks. He just nods and walks out.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Noah reluctantly cleans the chapel's restrooms as punishment. Father Ed encourages him to join the baseball team despite his injury, and Noah eventually agrees.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of Noah's emotions
  • Engaging character development
  • Unique concept of using cleaning duty as punishment
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Limited external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively portrays Noah's internal struggle and defiance, setting up potential character development and conflict.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of using cleaning duty as a form of punishment to explore Noah's emotional state and reluctance to play baseball is unique and engaging.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Noah is given a task by Father Ed, showcasing his defiance and emotional turmoil, setting up potential conflicts and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to the theme of redemption through punishment, with nuanced character interactions and emotional depth. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Noah's character is well-developed through his actions and reactions, showing his defiance, determination, and emotional struggle.

Character Changes: 7

Noah's character shows signs of potential change as he navigates his emotions and confronts his punishment.

Internal Goal: 8

Noah's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with his past and his feelings of guilt and grief over his parents' death. His reluctance to play baseball and his emotional reaction to Father Ed's mention of it reflect his deeper needs for closure and healing.

External Goal: 7

Noah's external goal in this scene is to complete the task of cleaning the chapel as instructed by Father Ed. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in accepting his punishment and moving forward.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is an internal conflict within Noah as he struggles with his emotions, defiance, and reluctance to play baseball.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Father Ed challenging Noah's beliefs and pushing him to confront his past, creating a sense of conflict and tension.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are not extremely high in this scene, but it sets up potential conflicts and character growth for Noah.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by setting up potential conflicts, character development, and emotional arcs for Noah.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events in Noah's confrontation with Father Ed and the revelation of his past.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Noah's desire to avoid facing his past and Father Ed's belief in the healing power of facing one's challenges head-on. This challenges Noah's worldview and beliefs about punishment and redemption.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions from defiance to sadness, effectively engaging the audience in Noah's internal struggle.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal but effective in conveying Noah's emotions and interactions with Father Ed.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters, the conflict between Noah and Father Ed, and the sense of mystery surrounding Noah's past.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, keeping the audience engaged and invested in Noah's journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for a screenplay, making it easy to read and understand.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup, conflict, and resolution, effectively conveying the protagonist's internal and external goals.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction, leaving the audience wondering why Noah is tasked with cleaning the chapel and how it contributes to the overall story.
  • The interaction between Noah and Father Ed feels forced and lacks depth, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters or their motivations.
  • Noah's emotional state is not effectively conveyed through his actions or dialogue, making it challenging for the audience to empathize with his struggles.
  • The transition from Noah cleaning the restroom to his conversation with Father Ed feels abrupt and disjointed, impacting the flow of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Noah and Father Ed lacks authenticity and fails to establish a meaningful connection between the characters.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the purpose of Noah cleaning the chapel and tie it back to his character development or the overall plot.
  • Enhance the interaction between Noah and Father Ed by adding depth to their conversation and exploring Noah's emotional journey more effectively.
  • Focus on conveying Noah's emotional turmoil through his actions and dialogue to create a more compelling and relatable character.
  • Improve the transition between scenes to create a smoother flow and enhance the coherence of the narrative.
  • Revise the dialogue between Noah and Father Ed to make it more authentic and engaging, allowing for a deeper connection between the characters.



Scene 19 -  Noah's Calling
EXT. CHAPEL - MOMENTS LATER

Noah walks out of the chapel, hops on his bicycle and starts
to peddle off when he notices Jeter sitting under a nearby oak
tree, waiting for him.

NOAH
Jeter! What are you doing here?

Jeter picks up his ball and happily runs over. Noah pets his
head.

NOAH
Come on..let’s go.

Noah peddles home with Jeter following.


INT. ST MICHAEL'S CLASSROOM - DAY

Noah sits in the back of his science class. Father Ed walks in
and says something to the teacher, then leaves.

TEACHER
Noah.

Noah is startled and sits at attention.

TEACHER (CONT’D)
When you’re finished with class
report to Father Ed’s office.

NOAH
Yes, ma’am.


INT. FATHER ED'S OFFICE - DAY

A knock at the door. Noah pushes the door open.

NOAH
You wanted to see me?
50.

FATHER ED
Come in. Sit.

Noah sits.

FATHER ED
So, besides detention how are
things going your first week of
school?

NOAH
Well, I’m definitely getting an
education on how to be a janitor.
Can I ask you....What’s with all
the baseball stuff?

FATHER ED
Before I became a priest, I played
right field for the New York Mets.

Father Ed hands him a framed baseball card.

INSERT - FRAMED BASEBALL CARD

A young Father Ed is pictured in a Mets Uniform, bat slung over
his shoulder.

BACK TO SCENE

Noah looks at the framed card, dumbfounded.

NOAH
How do you go from the MLB to
being a priest? What about...

Noah stops himself before he asks the question, not sure if
it’s appropriate.

FATHER ED
...girls? It's a long story, but
everybody has a calling. Mine was
the church. Don’t get me wrong. I
loved playing baseball and I
definitely had my share of fun
with the ladies. Those were some
of the best years of my life.
But in the end, I was 26 years old
and 190 pounds of pure hostility.
I was losing my faith, and losing
myself.

NOAH
How did you get your faith back?
51.

FATHER ED
Well, I retired from baseball in
1992 and decided to try my hand at
acting. Had a few minor rolls here
and there. Even played a minor
league baseball player in a movie.
But I kept hearing that voice in
my head asking “Eddie, what are
you doing with your life?” It was
a calling from God. It was another
ten years before I listened to
that voice and I entered the
seminary. The rest is history.
What’s your calling?

NOAH
I don’t have one.

FATHER ED
Come on. The little voice in your
head that talks to you. There must
be something.

NOAH
I don’t...I used to...but things
are so messed up.

Noah is visibly upset but holds it together.

FATHER ED
My door is always open if you need
to talk. Or you can just sit and
pray. Talking is not always the
answer.

NOAH
Thank-you Father.

Noah gets up to leave.

FATHER ED
Not so fast. I need you to do one
more thing for me. After school
tomorrow. Keep your PE uniform on
after gym class.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Noah, a young boy, is struggling to find his calling in life. He confides in Father Ed, a former baseball player who became a priest after hearing a calling from God. Father Ed encourages Noah to keep his PE uniform on after gym class the next day, but Noah is unsure why.
Strengths
  • Character development
  • Dialogue
  • Exploration of theme
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Slow pacing

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively explores Noah's emotional turmoil and Father Ed's backstory, adding depth to the characters and setting up potential character development. The dialogue is engaging and thought-provoking.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of finding one's calling and the juxtaposition of baseball and faith is intriguing. The scene effectively introduces this theme and sets up potential conflicts and character arcs.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Noah interacts with Father Ed and learns about his past. The introduction of the baseball element adds layers to the story and sets up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a unique twist by exploring the transition from baseball player to priest, adding authenticity to the characters' actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Noah and Father Ed are well-developed characters with depth and complexity. Their interactions reveal their inner struggles and motivations, making them compelling and relatable.

Character Changes: 7

Noah experiences a shift in perspective as he learns about Father Ed's past and reflects on his own struggles. This sets the stage for potential character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Noah's internal goal in this scene is to find his calling or purpose in life. This reflects his deeper need for direction and meaning in his life.

External Goal: 7

Noah's external goal in this scene is to fulfill Father Ed's request to keep his PE uniform on after gym class. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in following instructions from authority figures.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is not overt conflict in the scene, there is an underlying tension and internal conflict within Noah. The potential for conflict is hinted at through Noah's struggles and Father Ed's guidance.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to challenge Noah's beliefs and decisions, creating conflict and suspense for the audience.

High Stakes: 5

While the stakes are not overtly high in this scene, the emotional and internal struggles of the characters add a layer of complexity and importance to their journey.

Story Forward: 6

The scene provides important character development and thematic exploration, setting the stage for future conflicts and resolutions. It moves the story forward in terms of emotional depth and character arcs.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelation of Father Ed's past and the open-ended question of Noah's future.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between following one's passion and following a higher calling. Father Ed's story of leaving baseball for the priesthood challenges Noah's beliefs about finding purpose in life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of introspection and empathy towards Noah and Father Ed. Their struggles and search for meaning resonate with the audience, creating an emotional connection.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the characters and their beliefs. It sets the tone for future interactions and potential conflicts, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters, the philosophical conflict presented, and the mystery surrounding Noah's internal struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue with action, creating tension and emotional resonance.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear scene transitions and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction. It meanders between Noah encountering Jeter, attending class, and then meeting with Father Ed without a strong connection between these events.
  • Noah's reaction to Father Ed's revelation about his baseball past feels underwhelming. There is potential for a more emotional or impactful response from Noah given the significance of Father Ed's background.
  • The dialogue between Noah and Father Ed, while informative, feels somewhat forced and expository. It could benefit from more natural and organic interactions that reveal character depth.
  • The transition between Noah's initial reluctance to talk about his calling and Father Ed's encouragement feels abrupt and could be smoother to enhance the emotional resonance of the scene.
  • The scene lacks a strong emotional arc or conflict resolution, leaving the audience without a clear takeaway or sense of progression for Noah's character.
Suggestions
  • Consider streamlining the scene to focus on a specific emotional beat or character development moment for Noah. This will help create a more impactful and cohesive narrative.
  • Enhance Noah's reaction to Father Ed's baseball past by exploring how it resonates with Noah's own struggles and aspirations. This can add depth to their interaction and Noah's character.
  • Revise the dialogue to feel more natural and character-driven, allowing for a deeper exploration of Noah's internal conflict and Father Ed's mentorship role.
  • Smooth out the transition between Noah's reluctance to discuss his calling and Father Ed's encouragement to create a more organic and emotionally resonant progression.
  • Consider adding a clearer emotional arc or conflict resolution to the scene to provide a satisfying payoff for the audience and further Noah's character development.



Scene 20 -  A Challenge on the Baseball Field
EXT. ST MICHAEL'S SCHOOL - DAY

Father Ed and Noah head towards the sport’s fields. Jeter
leaves his spot under the oak tree and follows after them.

NOAH
Where are we going?
52.

FATHER ED
More maintenance.

Noah and Father Ed walk past all of the sport’s fields. They
walk past the tennis players on the courts. They walk past all
of the lacrosse players finishing up practice.


EXT. LACROSSE FIELD - CONTINUOUS

Blake stands on the sidelines. She takes off her helmet and
notices Noah walking with Father Ed towards the baseball field.


EXT. ST MICHAEL'S SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS

Noah looks over at Blake, then quickly looks down and keeps
walking.


EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS

The Crusader’s baseball team practices on the field. They
aren’t terrible but they aren’t great either. Players are
taking turns batting. The pitcher is throwing a mix of wild
pitches, passed balls and ones that are getting hit. Fielding
is not great with dropped pop flies, missed ground balls and
terrible plays at the bag. Noah stops to watch and Father Ed
takes notice. Coach Miller takes notice too.

FATHER ED
Hey, come on. You have work to do.


EXT. DUGOUT - CONTINUOUS

Father Ed walks into the dugout and opens a closet door at the
very end. The room is filled with trash, dirty baseball gear,
flies, etc.

FATHER ED (con’t)
Here you go.

NOAH
Here I go...what?

COACH MILLER
Hi Father.

FATHER ED
Clean it up. I want to be able to
eat off the floors when you’re
done. Hi Coach.
53.

Noah is upset. He steps out of the dugout and is on the 3rd
baseline. Jeter sits in the dugout, watching.

NOAH
More cleaning? Are you kidding
me? I thought I was working out
with the team, not this!

FATHER ED
No, not kidding. And when you’re
finished with this one, you can
clean the other dugout.

NOAH
This is bullshit!

COACH MILLER
It is for you.

NOAH
Look at them. They’re terrible.
They should clean up their own
shit!

The team, consisting of NICK (first base), JUSTIN (second
base), GAVIN (third base), ISAAC (short stop), CARTER (left
field), SAM (center field) BRODY (pitcher, right field) DREW
(pitcher, left field) PEDRO (catcher), KOLE (pitcher, bench
warmer) and BENNETT (utility player), stop playing and react to
Noah’s ranting. Brody Hopkins, still with a slight black eye,
steps forward and approaches Noah.

BRODY
I’d like to see you do better.

NOAH
(laughing)
Do better? Maybe if you took a
little bit of pride in the
condition of your dugout, it would
translate to the field.

BRODY
I don’t see you out here trying.

NOAH
I could strike out the top of your
lineup with my eyes closed.

Brody whips the baseball at Noah, who catches it barehanded.

BRODY
Prove it.
(MORE)
54.

BRODY (CONT’D)
You strike out the top of our
lineup and we’ll clean the
dugouts. But if you don’t, you’ll
clean the dugouts..and my jock
strap.

Noah looks at Father Ed, who shrugs with approval.

NOAH
I need a mitt. I’m a lefty.

Kole runs off of the field and hands Noah his mitt. He has a
huge smile on his face.

KOLE
Take mine. What about your arm?

Kole hands Noah his mitt.

NOAH
It’s fine. Let’s get this over
with.
Genres: ["Drama","Sports"]

Summary Father Ed and Noah arrive at the baseball field, where Noah is assigned to clean the dugout. Angry, Noah complains but accepts a challenge from Brody to strike out the top of the lineup.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Competitive dynamics
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched sports team dynamics

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, filled with tension, and sets up a significant challenge for the protagonist, showcasing his determination and competitive spirit.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a character being challenged to prove his skills in a sports setting is well-executed and adds depth to the character development.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Noah is faced with a challenge that will impact his relationship with the team and his own self-perception.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a common sports rivalry trope by incorporating themes of responsibility and teamwork. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show resilience, competitiveness, and pride, adding layers to their personalities.

Character Changes: 7

Noah's character is challenged and pushed to prove himself, leading to potential growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Noah's internal goal is to prove himself and assert his skills and worth in front of the baseball team. He wants to show that he is capable and deserving of respect.

External Goal: 7

Noah's external goal is to clean up the dugout as instructed by Father Ed. He is also challenged by Brody to strike out the top of the lineup to avoid cleaning the dugout and Brody's jock strap.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Noah and the team members adds intensity to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Noah facing challenges from both Father Ed and the baseball team, adding layers of conflict and tension.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Noah's reputation and relationship with the team are on the line.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a significant challenge for the protagonist.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected challenge presented by Brody and the tension between Noah and the baseball team.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between Noah's belief in the importance of cleanliness and pride in one's surroundings, and the baseball team's lack of concern for the condition of their dugout. This challenges Noah's values of responsibility and respect.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of tension, determination, and competitiveness.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is confrontational, reflecting the tension and competitive nature of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, competitive dialogue, and character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and momentum, leading to a climactic moment that propels the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure that builds tension and conflict effectively, leading to a resolution that advances the plot and character development.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition between Noah storming out of the office and arriving at the sports fields with Father Ed. Consider adding a smoother transition to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Noah's reaction to being assigned the task of cleaning the dugout seems exaggerated and out of character. It would be more effective to show his frustration in a more subtle and realistic way.
  • The dialogue between Noah and Brody feels forced and unnatural. Consider refining the conversation to make it more authentic and engaging for the audience.
  • The interaction between Noah and Father Ed could be more impactful. Try to delve deeper into their relationship and bring out more emotion in their exchange.
  • The introduction of the baseball team and their reactions to Noah's outburst could be more nuanced. Show a range of responses from the team members to add depth to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Add a brief scene showing Noah's journey from the principal's office to the sports fields to create a smoother transition.
  • Tone down Noah's initial reaction to being assigned the cleaning task to make it more believable.
  • Revise the dialogue between Noah and Brody to make it more natural and engaging.
  • Enhance the emotional connection between Noah and Father Ed to make their interaction more impactful.
  • Expand on the reactions of the baseball team members to add depth and complexity to the scene.



Scene 21 -  Noah's Pitching Prowess and Emotional Turmoil
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS

Noah on the baseball mound. Father Ed and Coach Miller stand
behind the pitcher’s mound. Coach Miller has a pocket radar gun
and clocks Noah.


EXT. BATTER'S BOX - CONTINUOUS

Drew Messina, the 3rd baseman and a monster, steps up to the
plate.

DREW
You can clean my jock strap, too.


EXT. DUGOUT - CONTINUOUS

The whole team is cracking up until Kole starts clapping his
hands for Noah. Jeter stands next to Kole and barks.

KOLE
Come on Noah! Strike him out!

The team ad-libs telling Kole to keep his mouth shut.
55.

EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Noah winds up and throws the first pitch, a filthy fastball.


EXT. BATTER'S BOX - CONTINUOUS

Drew takes a huge swing and a miss!


EXT. DUGOUT - CONTINUOUS

The team reacts wildly.

GAVIN
That’s a big Daddy hack!

Coach Miller and Father Ed are laughing.


EXT. BATTER'S BOX - CONTINUOUS

Pedro, the catcher, shakes his glove hand in pain. He can’t
believe the velocity and movement.

PEDRO
You guys are in trouble! This
southpaw’s got mad skills. What’s
your name?

NOAH
Rockford. Just give me the ball.

Pedro throws the ball back to Noah.


EXT. PICHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Noah rearranges the dirt on the mound with his foot, He plants
his foot into the rubber, winds up and throws another screaming
fastball.


EXT. BATTER'S BOX - CONTINUOUS

Drew takes a huge, ugly swing and misses. Pedro reacts to the
pain in his catching hand, but tries desperately to tone it
down.

PEDRO
Dude, he barely warmed up!

DREW
I bet all he has is a fastball.
56.

PEDRO
What more does he need?

Pedro throws the ball back to Noah.


EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Noah holds the ball in his mitt, getting his grip. He takes a
deep breath, winds up and throws a filthy curve ball. Drew
swings so hard he practically falls over.

NOAH
Who’s next?


EXT. BALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS

Drew walks off of the field. He is shaking his head as Brody
walks up to the batter’s box.

SAM
Hit a dinger Brody!

JUSTIN
Let’s go slap some taters!


EXT. BATTER'S BOX - CONTINUOUS

Brody steps up to the plate. Noah stares him down.

PEDRO
Yo, try not to hit him.


EXT. BALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS

Noah winds up and throws a low inside corner strike. Brody
doesn’t swing.

PEDRO
Strike one.

BRODY
No way! That was low.

PEDRO
It was a strike.


EXT. DUGOUT - CONTINUOUS

The player chatter is loud and fun.
57.

BENNETT
Come on Brody! Swing at it!

ISAAC
Don’t get locked up bro, that was
a strike!

Other players chime in. All agree it was a strike.

Pedro throws the ball back to Noah.


INT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Noah carefully fixes the dirt on the mound with his sneakered
foot. He winds up and throws a nasty breaking ball. Brody
doesn’t swing, again.

KOLE
Go Noah!


EXT. DUGOUT - CONTINUOUS

Isaac playfully grabs Kole.

ISAAC
Dude, we need a hit!

KOLE
There’s no way any of us are
hitting him.

The team ad libs to Kole to keep his mouth shut.


EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Noah winds up and throws another fastball. Brody swings and
misses by a mile.

Coach Miller shows the radar gun to Father Ed. It’s a 92 mph
fastball.

PEDRO
Strike three! Nice Rockpaw.

NOAH
It’s Rockford.

Pedro throws the ball back to Noah.

PEDRO
OK, Rockpaw.
58.

EXT. BALLFIELD - CONTINUOUS

NOAH
Father Ed, one more batter and I’m
out of detention, right?

FATHER ED
One more and you’re a free man.
(to Coach Miller)
and I’m calling the Mets.


EXT. BATTER'S BOX - CONTINUOUS

Gavin Winkler, third baseman and best hitter on the team steps
into the batter’s box. Noah doesn’t care.

GAVIN
Let’s see what you got.


EXT. DUGOUT - CONTINUOUS

Players ad-lib cheering for Gavin.


EXT. BATTER'S BOX - CONTINUOUS

Noah throws three pitches, three strikes swinging. He’s out.


EXT. DUGOUT - CONTINUOUS

The team reacts. Most look impressed.

KOLE
Holy cow.

NICK
I don’t want to clean. Dang it.
What’s his name?

PEDRO
Noah Rockpaw. That kid’s legit.

COACH MILLER
Practice is over. Start cleaning
the dugout boys!


EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Noah stands alone on the mound. He looks at all of the other
players. They are reluctantly clapping for him.
59.

They can’t believe how good he is. Everything suddenly starts
moving in slow motion. The sounds and cheers are echoing in
Noah’s head. Noah turns and looks out at the empty field into
the stands.


EXT. STANDS - CONTINUOUS

Noah’s Mom, Rita, and his Dad, Cain, are cheering for him in
the stands.


EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Noah stares in disbelief. Noah steps off of the mound towards
his parents and snaps out of it. The stands are empty. Noah
collapses and falls to his knees. Jeter runs out to Noah.

BRODY
What’s he doing?

KOLE
Noah?

Father Ed and Coach Miller see Noah collapse and run out to
him.

FATHER ED
Son, you ok?

Noah is not ok. He’s having a complete breakdown, shaking as if
he is reliving the moment of his parent’s death.

NOAH
I saw my Mom and Dad...right there
in the stands. It was so real.

FATHER ED
Let’s get you out of here.

Father Ed reaches down to help Noah get up, but Noah reacts
violently, as if he is being attacked. He shakes him off
practically knocking Father Ed over.

COACH MILLER
Whoah, take it easy..

Noah paces recklessly, angry and defiant.

NOAH
I don’t need your help! Leave me
alone.

Noah walks off the field. The other players don’t know what to
make of it. Jeter dutifully follows.
60.

Blake walks up to the ball field, carrying her gear. She sees
the end of the dust up, not knowing what to think.

BLAKE
Noah...

Noah, still in his own world, ignores Blake and keeps going.

BLAKE
What happened? Noah?!

Noah snaps out of it and turns to Blake.

NOAH
Stay away from me.

Noah runs off of the field. The players look confused about
what just happened.
Genres: ["Drama","Sports"]

Summary Noah showcases astonishing pitching skills, impressing his team and Coach Miller. He strikes out batters with his exceptional velocity and movement. However, a vision of his parents triggers a breakdown, causing him to collapse and lash out at others. Noah, overwhelmed by his emotions, dismisses Father Ed's attempts to help and runs off the field, telling everyone to leave him alone.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly impactful, emotionally charged, and pivotal in revealing the protagonist's inner turmoil and past trauma. It effectively combines elements of drama and sports to create a compelling narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the protagonist experiencing a breakdown on the baseball field due to a hallucination of his deceased parents is unique and adds depth to the character's arc.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as the protagonist's emotional breakdown sheds light on his past trauma and sets the stage for further character development.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the sports genre by blending elements of competition with emotional depth and trauma. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially the protagonist Noah, are well-developed and their emotions and conflicts are portrayed effectively, adding layers to the narrative.

Character Changes: 9

Noah undergoes a significant emotional transformation during the scene, revealing deeper layers of his character and setting the stage for further development.

Internal Goal: 8

Noah's internal goal is to prove himself as a skilled pitcher and earn his freedom from detention. This reflects his desire for validation and acceptance, as well as his need to overcome past trauma.

External Goal: 7

Noah's external goal is to strike out the batters and impress his coach and Father Ed. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in the baseball game.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The internal conflict within the protagonist, as well as the external conflict with other characters, creates a high level of tension and drama.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Noah facing challenges both on the baseball field and within himself. The uncertainty of his emotional state adds tension to the scene.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident in the protagonist's emotional breakdown and the impact it has on his relationships and future decisions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the protagonist's past and emotional state, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of Noah's unexpected breakdown and emotional outburst, adding a layer of complexity to the otherwise typical sports game setting.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around Noah's struggle to reconcile his desire for success on the baseball field with his unresolved trauma and emotional turmoil. This challenges his beliefs about himself and his ability to cope with his past.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, particularly through the protagonist's breakdown and the revelation of his past trauma.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and reflects the tension and emotions of the scene, but could be more impactful in certain moments.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, witty dialogue, and emotional depth. The audience is drawn into the intensity of the baseball game and Noah's internal struggle.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing the action of the baseball game with the emotional turmoil of Noah's breakdown. The rhythm of the scene enhances the impact of key moments.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a sports drama, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is formatted appropriately, contributing to the readability of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a sports drama, with clear progression of events and character interactions. The pacing and formatting enhance the overall impact of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and anticipation as Noah faces off against Drew and Brody on the baseball mound.
  • The dialogue between the players in the dugout adds humor and camaraderie to the scene, creating a sense of team spirit.
  • Noah's internal struggle and breakdown on the mound are portrayed with intensity and emotion, showing the impact of his past trauma on his present moment.
  • The interaction between Noah and Father Ed, as well as Coach Miller, adds depth to Noah's character and highlights the support he has from his mentors.
  • The scene effectively sets up a conflict within Noah as he grapples with his past trauma and the pressure to perform on the baseball field.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual cues to enhance the emotional impact of Noah's breakdown, such as close-up shots of his face or slow-motion sequences.
  • Explore the dynamics between Noah and his teammates further to showcase their reactions to his breakdown and how they support him.
  • Provide more insight into Noah's internal thoughts and emotions during the scene to deepen the audience's connection with his character.
  • Consider incorporating flashbacks or dream sequences to further explore Noah's past trauma and its influence on his present actions.
  • Focus on the resolution of Noah's breakdown and how he copes with his emotions, potentially through a conversation with Father Ed or a moment of reflection.



Scene 22 -  Noah's Struggle with Guilt
INT. ST MICHAEL'S SCHOOL - DAY

Noah sits in math class. He stares out the window while the
teacher goes over math problems on the white board.

DAYDREAM - INT. ROCKFORD HOUSE - DAY

Cain holds a gun, pointed at Rita. Noah leaps and tackles Cain,
the gun going off. Noah beats Cain in the head. Cain’s blood is
all over his knuckles.

TEACHER (O.S.)
Noah?

END DAYDREAM


INT. CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS

Noah violently jolts back to reality. The kids in the class
laugh at him.

TEACHER (CONT’D)
You still with us?

NOAH
I have to go to the bathroom.

Noah abruptly gets up.

TEACHER
You’re not excused!

Noah ignores the teacher and walks out of the classroom.
61.

INT. SCHOOL BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Noah stands at the sink and splashes cold water on his face. He
looks down at his hands and slowly turns them over, revealing
his knuckles, covered in blood. Noah shuts his eyes tightly. He
opens his eyes again and looks at his hands. The blood is gone.


INT. CHAPEL - DAY

Noah walks into the chapel looking for Father Ed. He walks down
the hallway and finds him in his office.


INT. FATHER ED'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

There is a knock at the door. Father Ed looks up to see Noah
standing in the doorway.

NOAH
I’m sorry about yesterday...I know
you were only trying to help. I
don’t know why I reacted that way.

Father Ed gestures for Noah to sit.

FATHER ED
Come in.

Noah sits silent for a moment. He scans the surroundings,
taking in all of the baseball memorabilia and religious symbols
displayed throughout the office.

NOAH
You know how we talked about the
little voice in your head..your
calling? Well, mine is making me
crazy. I can’t sleep without
seeing and hearing the thud my
father’s head made when it hit the
tile floor. In English class,
we’re reading Macbeth. I’m Lady
Macbeth. I see his blood all over
my hands. I close my eyes and it’s
all I can see.

FATHER ED
I can’t even imagine what that
must be like for you.

NOAH
It was self defense at first, but
then it turned into pure rage. I
should have stopped hitting him.
(MORE)
62.

NOAH (CONT’D)
He was already out cold, but I
didn’t. I killed him. I’m just as
bad as him.

FATHER ED
No, you’re nothing like him. You
spent years in an impossible
situation but you survived despite
the trauma and abuse.

NOAH
I killed my father. There’s
nothing I can do to change that.

FATHER ED
Whoever sheds the blood of man, by
man shall his blood be shed, for
God made man in his own image.
Forgiveness is the answer. You
have to forgive yourself.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In math class, Noah zones out and hallucinates killing his abusive father. Upon returning to reality, he's startled violently, causing the other students to laugh. Seeking refuge in the bathroom, he sees blood on his hands before it vanishes. Seeking guidance, Noah confesses to Father Ed his guilt and trauma from killing his father. Father Ed encourages self-forgiveness and assures Noah he's not like his father.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Exploration of themes
Weaknesses
  • Limited external action
  • Less focus on plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is powerful and emotionally charged, delving into Noah's inner turmoil and the weight of his past actions. It effectively conveys the themes of forgiveness and redemption, drawing the audience into Noah's emotional journey.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of forgiveness and redemption is central to the scene, as Noah confronts his guilt and struggles to come to terms with his past actions. The exploration of trauma and the internal conflict adds depth to the character and the overall story.

Plot: 8

The plot in this scene focuses on Noah's internal struggle and emotional journey, moving away from external events to delve into his character development. It adds layers to the overall narrative and sets the stage for potential growth and resolution.

Originality: 8

The scene explores themes of guilt, trauma, and forgiveness in a fresh and compelling way. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Noah's character is at the forefront of this scene, showcasing his vulnerability, guilt, and inner turmoil. The depth of his emotions and the complexity of his internal conflict make him a compelling and relatable character for the audience.

Character Changes: 8

Noah undergoes significant emotional growth and introspection in this scene, as he confronts his guilt and begins to consider the possibility of forgiveness and redemption. It sets the stage for potential character development and transformation.

Internal Goal: 9

Noah's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the guilt and trauma he feels over his father's death. He is struggling with feelings of self-blame and a desire for forgiveness.

External Goal: 7

Noah's external goal in this scene is to seek forgiveness and guidance from Father Ed. He is looking for a way to cope with his emotions and find a sense of peace.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Noah battles with his guilt and struggles to forgive himself for his past actions. The emotional conflict is intense and drives the character development forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Noah facing internal and external challenges that test his moral compass and sense of self.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene as Noah grapples with his guilt and seeks a way to move forward from his past actions. The emotional weight of his internal conflict adds intensity and depth to the story.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene focuses more on character development than plot progression, it sets the stage for potential growth and resolution for Noah. It deepens the emotional stakes and adds complexity to the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional twists and turns in Noah's journey towards self-forgiveness and redemption.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of forgiveness, redemption, and self-acceptance. Noah is grappling with his own sense of morality and the idea of forgiveness in the face of his past actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, drawing the audience into Noah's inner turmoil and struggles. It evokes feelings of empathy, sadness, and introspection, making it a poignant and memorable moment in the story.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys Noah's emotional state and inner thoughts. It provides insight into his struggles with guilt and trauma, adding depth to his character and the overall narrative.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, raw honesty, and compelling character development. The audience is drawn into Noah's internal struggles and moral dilemmas.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, drawing the audience into Noah's internal struggles and moral dilemmas.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and coherent structure, effectively conveying the protagonist's internal and external struggles. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the emotional depth of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from a daydream to reality, which may confuse the audience. Consider adding a smoother transition to clearly differentiate between Noah's daydream and his return to reality.
  • The violent and graphic nature of Noah's daydream may be too intense for some viewers. Consider toning down the violence to make it more suitable for a wider audience, especially if the screenplay is intended for a general audience.
  • Noah's sudden outburst in math class and the subsequent laughter from his classmates may come across as unrealistic. Consider adding more context or build-up to Noah's behavior to make it more believable.
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or follow-up to Noah's emotional outburst. Consider adding a continuation of the scene to show how Noah deals with his emotions or seeks help from Father Ed.
  • The dialogue between Noah and Father Ed is heavy-handed and lacks subtlety in addressing Noah's internal struggles. Consider adding more nuance and depth to their conversation to make it more realistic and engaging.
Suggestions
  • Add a visual cue or sound effect to clearly indicate the transition between Noah's daydream and reality.
  • Consider revising the violent elements of Noah's daydream to make it more suitable for a wider audience.
  • Provide more context or build-up to Noah's emotional outburst in math class to make his behavior more believable.
  • Include a follow-up scene to show how Noah processes his emotions and seeks guidance from Father Ed after the bathroom incident.
  • Revise the dialogue between Noah and Father Ed to add more depth and subtlety to their conversation about forgiveness and self-acceptance.



Scene 23 -  Noah's Past Revealed
INT. SCHOOL LOCKER ROOM - DAY

The baseball team is mulling around the locker room, changing
clothes, putting away equipment, etc. Kole sits on the bench,
eating a Snickers bar.

KOLE
...all I know is that both of his
parents are dead.

DREW
Holy shit.

Pedro gets out his laptop.

PEDRO
Let’s google him. I’m sure we can
find out something.

Pedro types on his laptop.

PEDRO (con’t)
Noah Rockpaw.

KOLE
It’s Rockford. He moved here from
Texas.

PEDRO
(typing)
Noah Rockford, Texas, baseball.
63.

He hits enter. A trove of info pops up. Brody reads over
Pedro’s shoulder.

BRODY
He was a top ten MLB high school
prospect in the country. What the
heck happened?

DREW
Click on news.

Pedro clicks news, and the first story to pop up is the video
from the reporter. The players gather around and watch.

REPORTER (O.S.)
What started as an amazing day for
the Argyle High School baseball
team ended in the double murder
today at the home of Argyle’s hero
pitcher, Noah Rockford. Jim Green
is live at the scene with the
latest on this tragedy.

Just then, Father Ed and Coach Miller walk in the locker room.
Pedro slams the computer shut.

COACH MILLER
I see ya’ll know about Noah’s
past.

BRODY
Someone should have told us.

COACH MILLER
Why? Would you have treated him
differently?

BRODY
Well, yeah. Probably.

FATHER ED
In this life, we all have our
crosses to bear. The only way Noah
can get through this is if he can
come to terms with what has
happened and learn to accept it
and forgive. Let’s pray for Noah
that he finds the strength that he
needs to heal.

BRODY
Let’s pray for this baseball team
that he does. We really could use
him!
64.

DREW
Seriously Brody?

Kole throws a pair of dirty socks at Brody.

BRODY
Oh come on! You know what I mean,
you’re all thinking it... even you
Father Ed. He’s unbelievable, and
God would want him to play
baseball. He would want him to
play.

FATHER ED
God’s not a Yankee fan or a Mets
fan. He won’t help us win baseball
games. He won’t make Noah pick up
a baseball and play again. But God
will help guide the way..for all
of us.
Genres: ["Drama","Sports"]

Summary In the school locker room, a news report reveals Noah Rockford's tragic history. The baseball team reacts with shock and sadness. Coach Miller and Father Ed discuss forgiveness and healing, prompting the players to reconsider their behavior towards Noah.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Exploration of forgiveness and healing
  • Character complexity
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of external conflict
  • Some dialogue may feel repetitive or expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight of the characters' situations and sets up potential character growth and development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of dealing with trauma, forgiveness, and acceptance is well-executed and provides a strong foundation for character arcs.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses by revealing more about Noah's past and the impact it has on those around him.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the trope of a troubled athlete, exploring the impact of personal tragedy on sports performance in a nuanced way. The characters' dialogue feels authentic and relatable, enhancing the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show depth and complexity, especially in their reactions to Noah's situation.

Character Changes: 7

Noah shows signs of potential growth and change as he navigates his past trauma and relationships with others.

Internal Goal: 8

Kole's internal goal in this scene is to understand and empathize with Noah Rockford's situation. This reflects his deeper need for connection and compassion towards others.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to learn more about Noah Rockford's past and how it may affect the baseball team. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a teammate's troubled history.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is more internal and emotional rather than external, focusing on the characters' struggles with trauma and forgiveness.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the characters face conflicting beliefs and moral dilemmas that challenge their perceptions of themselves and each other.

High Stakes: 7

The emotional stakes are high as the characters grapple with trauma, forgiveness, and acceptance.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides important background information and sets up potential conflicts and resolutions for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected revelations about Noah Rockford's past and challenges the characters' beliefs and actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the players' beliefs about how to treat Noah Rockford in light of his past. Brody's belief that playing baseball will help Noah contrasts with Father Ed's perspective that healing comes from within.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly in its exploration of grief and healing.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and conflicts present in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines suspense, humor, and moral conflict to keep the audience invested in the characters' dilemmas and relationships.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense as the characters uncover Noah Rockford's past and grapple with its implications. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the emotional impact of the revelations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a dialogue-heavy, character-driven scene in a screenplay. The use of character names and dialogue cues is clear and effective.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure, with a setup of the team learning about Noah Rockford's past, a complication of conflicting beliefs, and a resolution through Father Ed's perspective. This structure effectively conveys the moral dilemma faced by the characters.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from the baseball team discovering Noah's tragic past to Father Ed and Coach Miller entering the locker room, which feels disjointed.
  • The dialogue between the players and coaches lacks depth and emotional resonance given the gravity of the situation. It comes across as superficial and lacking in empathy.
  • The reaction of the players to Noah's past feels rushed and not fully explored. There is a missed opportunity to delve into the complexities of how they process this information.
  • The scene could benefit from more nuanced reactions from the characters, especially considering the sensitive nature of the news they uncover about Noah.
  • The dialogue between Father Ed and the players, particularly Brody, could be more impactful and meaningful in conveying the themes of forgiveness and acceptance.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a more gradual build-up to the revelation of Noah's past to allow for a more natural flow in the scene.
  • Enhance the emotional depth of the dialogue by exploring how each character processes the news about Noah in a more authentic and empathetic manner.
  • Provide more insight into the internal struggles and conflicts the characters face in light of this new information, adding layers to their reactions.
  • Focus on creating a more meaningful and poignant interaction between Father Ed and the players to convey the themes of forgiveness and healing effectively.
  • Consider incorporating moments of introspection and reflection for the characters to deepen the impact of the scene and highlight the importance of empathy and understanding.



Scene 24 -  Noah's Revelation
INT. LAURA'S KITCHEN - DAY

Laura is at the kitchen table, computer open, papers
everywhere, attempting to work from home. Noah walks in from
school.

NOAH
Hey.

LAURA
Hey.

NOAH
I guess you’re working from home
now because of me?

LAURA
No, well, yes.
(smiling)
And since I’m the boss, I can do
whatever I want. I’d rather work
from home anyway so you’re doing
me a favor. Do you want to talk
about what happened the other day?
Father Ed called me at my office.

Noah walks over to the counter and grabs a glass of water.

NOAH
I pitched. Then I lost my shit. I
literally hallucinated my Mom and
Dad sitting in the stands.
(MORE)
65.

NOAH (CONT’D)
Watching me. It was as real as you
sitting right here. And then I was
an asshole to the people trying to
help me.

He sits. Laura listens.

NOAH (con't)
I stopped taking the pills.

LAURA
Ok. Why?

NOAH
They made me feel...numb. My whole
life I’ve been walking on
eggshells. My Dad was a powder
keg, ready to blow at any moment,
for any reason. If something was
awesome, he’d find a way to ruin
it. Even my Mom. She tried, you
know, to make it work. To protect
me. But she should have done a
better job. I know she was a
victim, but I hate that word. I’m
pissed off and tired of being the
victim. If I never pick up a
baseball again, my Dad wins. He
took my Mom, he’s not taking
baseball from me, too. What
happened on the ball field the
other day...pitching again felt
good. And playing baseball means
everything to me. It’s who I am.
It’s my calling.

There’s a knock at the door.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Noah returns home from school and reveals to Laura that he stopped taking his medication. He explains that it made him feel numb and he experienced hallucinations of his parents watching him play baseball. Laura listens attentively, concerned about Noah's well-being.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Raw vulnerability
Weaknesses
  • Potential pacing issues
  • Lack of external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively explores Noah's emotional journey and inner turmoil, providing depth to his character and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring trauma, identity, and emotional healing through Noah's perspective is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Noah confronts his past and makes decisions about his future, adding layers to the overall narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the theme of family dynamics and personal growth, with authentic character interactions and realistic dialogue that set it apart from conventional storytelling.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Noah's character is well-developed and complex, showcasing his internal struggles and growth. Laura's supportive and understanding nature adds depth to their relationship.

Character Changes: 8

Noah undergoes significant emotional growth and introspection in the scene, leading to potential character development and transformation.

Internal Goal: 9

Noah's internal goal in this scene is to confront his past traumas, break free from the victim mentality instilled by his father, and reclaim his identity and passion for baseball.

External Goal: 8

Noah's external goal is to come to terms with his decision to stop taking his medication and find the courage to pursue his passion for baseball despite his fears and insecurities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The internal conflict within Noah, as well as his past trauma and decision-making process, create a compelling level of conflict in the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Noah grapples with internal conflicts and external pressures that challenge his beliefs and decisions.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Noah as he grapples with his traumatic past, identity crisis, and decision about his future, adding tension and emotional weight to the scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by delving into Noah's emotional journey and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in its emotional twists and revelations, keeping the audience on edge and invested in the characters' journey.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of victimhood, identity, and personal agency. Noah grapples with the idea of breaking free from the cycle of victimization and taking control of his own destiny.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through Noah's raw and vulnerable portrayal, making it impactful and engaging for the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys Noah's emotional state and inner conflict, providing insight into his thoughts and feelings.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, relatable character struggles, and compelling dialogue that draws the audience into the characters' inner world.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional resonance, allowing for moments of introspection and character revelation to unfold naturally.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is well-formatted and easy to follow, maintaining the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural flow of conversation and character development, adhering to the expected structure for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys Noah's internal struggle and emotional turmoil after his recent breakdown on the baseball field.
  • The dialogue between Noah and Laura is raw and honest, providing insight into Noah's complex feelings and motivations.
  • The use of hallucinations and the impact of Noah's past trauma on his present behavior are well portrayed.
  • The scene effectively sets up Noah's internal conflict between his love for baseball and his fear of being controlled by his father's legacy.
  • The emotional depth and vulnerability of the characters are well captured in this scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual elements to enhance the emotional impact of the scene, such as Noah's body language or facial expressions.
  • Explore the possibility of incorporating flashbacks or memories to further illustrate Noah's past trauma and its influence on his current struggles.
  • Provide more context or background information about Noah's relationship with his parents to deepen the audience's understanding of his emotional state.
  • Consider adding a moment of resolution or decision-making for Noah at the end of the scene to create a sense of closure or progression in his character arc.
  • Ensure that the dialogue remains authentic and true to the characters' voices, maintaining the emotional intensity and complexity of the scene.



Scene 25 -  Noah's Redemption and Outreach
EXT. LAURA'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Laura and Noah walk to the door to reveal the entire baseball
team on the porch. Brody and Pedro are front and center. Noah
opens the door.

NOAH
Hey. What’s up?
66.

BRODY
OK, as team captain, I’m just
gonna speak for everyone and start
out by saying we are all just
really impressed by what you did
the other day. Really, I mean, I
wish I was as good as you. And we
are all sorry for what you’ve been
through. Pedro googled it, and
that must have been really tough.
Can’t imagine. The fact that
you’re standing here is really a
testament to you. Just saying.

PEDRO
We all want you to be a part of
this team. Not because all we care
about is winning...I mean, we want
to win like more than three games
in a season, but because you need
to be on a baseball field. You’re
like, a future legend.

BRODY
And if you need to cry and
breakdown after every inning,
that’s totally cool! We’ll give
you space to do that. As long as
you’re striking guys out. And we
already have a nickname for you.
Rockford the Southpaw. Rockpaw.
Get It?

NOAH
I got it. OK.

There is an awkward pause as the players react to Noah’s
answer.

BRODY
OK? So you’ll play?

NOAH
You guys do suck so I’ll try and
help you out. I can’t make any
guarantees, we’ll just have to see
how it goes.

PEDRO
That’s a start! Rockpaw!!

The entire team ad libs cheers for "Rockpaw." They all high
five each other and high five Noah.
67.

INT. CHAPEL - DAY

Father Ed sits at his desk, working. He hears a door slam. It’s
six a.m. He gets up and walks into the hallway.


INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

He follows the noise down the hallway all the way to the men’s
room. He opens the door.


INT. MEN'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Noah is filling the mop bucket. He starts gathering up the
garbage as Father Ed walks in.

NOAH
Good morning, Father.

FATHER ED
Your detention is over.

NOAH
I like the routine. Keeps me busy.
Plus I’m up anyway. Night terrors
are so much fun.

FATHER ED
Alrighty. As you were.

Father Ed turns to leave. Noah resumes mopping the floors.

NOAH
Father, can I ask you something?
Why aren’t you helping out with
coaching?

Father Ed stops and turns toward Noah. Noah continues mopping.
He’s all business.

FATHER ED
Baseball and me..that was a
lifetime ago.

NOAH
You took a vow of celibacy, but
you didn’t take a vow giving up
baseball. If I’m gonna play on
this team, you’re gonna need to
step up and help out with the
players. You might want to see if
you can get that uniform you wear
in a drifit.
68.

Noah continues cleaning, not even looking up. Father Ed doesn’t
say anything, just smiles and walks out.


EXT. CHAPEL - DAY

Noah walks out of the chapel and hops on his bicycle. He spots
Blake, off in the distance, dutifully practicing her wall ball.
As he gets closer, he can see she is upset as she throws the
ball as hard as she can against the wall.

Noah hops off of his bicycle and stands a short distance behind
her. She hurls the ball against the wall, missing the rebound.
Noah catches the ball barehanded as Blake spins around. She is
noticeably upset.

BLAKE
What are you doing here?

Blake raises her goalie stick to Noah as a signal for him to
throw back the ball.

NOAH
I was just leaving the chapel and
saw you practicing. Are you ok?

Noah tosses the ball back to Blake. Blake resumes her wall
ball.

BLAKE
Don’t pretend you care.

NOAH
I’m sorry for the other day. I
wasn’t myself. Come on, what’s
wrong?

BLAKE
Under Armour tryouts were a
disaster. I didn’t even make the
first round cut.

She stops the wall ball drill.

BLAKE (CONT’D)
I don’t even know why I’m out
here.

NOAH
You just need to work harder. I’ll
help you.

Noah picks up a field stick. He awkwardly tries to figure out
how to use the stick.
69.

BLAKE
I’ve worked hard! And there’s no
point. I didn’t make it. What do
you know, you don’t even play
lacrosse.

NOAH
You’re right. I don’t know
lacrosse. But I know sports, and I
know hard work. You can always
work harder.

BLAKE
Now you’re starting to piss me
off.

Noah realizes this and pivots.

NOAH
Don’t they have other regional
tryouts? You can play for one of
those teams.

BLAKE
The only region left is New York,
and the competition there is even
tougher than what I faced in the
South.

Noah scoops a lacrosse ball and awkwardly throws it to Blake.
She catches the terrible throw with her goalie stick.

NOAH
If you can make it there...you’ll
make it anywhere!

Blake tries to hold back a smile.

BLAKE
You are such a dork.

NOAH
Stop making excuses. I’ll help
you. Come on!

Blake throws the ball back to Noah and he somehow manages to
catch it with his lacrosse stick. She shakes her head, doubting
Noah.

NOAH
It’s all hand eye. Let’s go!

Noah and Blake toss the ball back and forth. Blake shakes her
head, laughs and smiles at Noah’s persistence.
70.

NOAH (CONT’D)
Snap the ball back to me. Come on!

BLAKE
You have no idea what you’re
talking about.

NOAH
Fake it ‘till you make it.

Jeter tries to get in on the action as they continue tossing
the ball back and forth.
Genres: ["Drama","Sports"]

Summary The baseball team apologizes for Noah's past struggles and invites him to join with the nickname 'Rockpaw.' Despite Father Ed's reluctance, Noah finds support from Blake as he helps her improve her lacrosse skills, providing moments of humor and camaraderie.
Strengths
  • Character development
  • Dialogue authenticity
  • Emotional resonance
Weaknesses
  • Lack of intense conflict
  • Predictability in character interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a sense of unity and support among the characters, setting up a positive and hopeful tone for Noah's future involvement with the baseball team.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of overcoming personal struggles and finding support from unexpected sources is well-executed in this scene.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Noah is invited to join the baseball team, adding a new layer of conflict and potential growth for his character.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh take on sports-themed narratives by focusing on themes of redemption, teamwork, and perseverance. The characters' actions and dialogue feel genuine and relatable, adding authenticity to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters show depth and empathy, especially in their interactions with Noah and each other.

Character Changes: 7

Noah shows a willingness to open up and consider joining the baseball team, indicating a potential shift in his character's trajectory.

Internal Goal: 8

Noah's internal goal is to find a sense of belonging and purpose through sports, as seen in his interactions with the baseball team and Blake. He seeks validation and acceptance from his peers.

External Goal: 7

Noah's external goal is to help improve the baseball and lacrosse teams, showcasing his leadership skills and dedication to sports.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is some internal conflict for Noah, the overall tone is more about support and unity.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts arising between Noah, Father Ed, and Blake. The characters face challenges that test their beliefs and values, adding depth to the story.

High Stakes: 5

While there is some pressure for Noah to join the team, the stakes are not extremely high in this particular scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new dynamic for Noah and setting up potential future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions between the characters and the twists in their conversations. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the characters will react.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of redemption and second chances, as seen in Noah's interactions with Father Ed and Blake. Noah challenges Father Ed to step up and help the team, while also encouraging Blake to persevere despite setbacks.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes empathy and hope, but the emotional impact is not overly intense.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is supportive, encouraging, and reflective of the characters' personalities and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its witty dialogue, relatable characters, and themes of redemption and teamwork. The interactions between Noah, Father Ed, and Blake keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue, action, and character development. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings and clear action lines.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-paced dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a strong emotional moment as the baseball team shows their support for Noah, but the transition to Father Ed and Noah's conversation feels a bit abrupt.
  • The dialogue between Noah and Father Ed is a bit on the nose, with Noah directly asking Father Ed to step up and help with coaching. It could benefit from a more subtle approach to the conversation.
  • The interaction between Noah and Blake is well-written, but the transition from Noah's emotional breakdown to helping Blake with lacrosse feels a bit rushed.
  • Noah's character development is highlighted in this scene, but the emotional depth of his struggles could be further explored to create a more impactful moment.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues to enhance the emotional impact, such as body language and facial expressions to convey the characters' feelings.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between the baseball team's support for Noah and the conversation with Father Ed to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Try to incorporate more subtlety in the dialogue between Noah and Father Ed to make the conversation feel more natural and nuanced.
  • Expand on Noah's emotional journey and struggles to create a more profound and impactful moment between him and Blake.
  • Enhance the visual elements in the scene to convey the characters' emotions more effectively and engage the audience on a deeper level.
  • Consider adding layers to Noah's character development by exploring his internal conflicts and emotional turmoil in more depth.



Scene 26 -  Pre-Practice Warm-Up and Introductions
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - DAY

The team is gathered around Coach Miller and Father Ed for a
pre-practice meeting.

COACH MILLER
As most of you know, Father Ed
used to play baseball with the New
York Mets, and he has agreed to
volunteer as my bench coach
primarily focusing on hitting and
fielding. And let’s welcome Noah.
He’ll be practicing with the team
for now.

Noah smiles, players within reach slap him on the back.

COACH MILLER (CONT’D)
Let’s start warm-ups.

MONTAGE - PRACTICE

The players are warming up.

Team running a pole from left field corner to right field
corner. Noah leads the way, with the other players trying to
catch him.

Various players doing arm circles, with the circles gradually
getting a little bit wider as they continue. The players do
same arm circles in reverse.

Players standing in a row, doing a high knees dynamic stretch.

Players in a row, doing shuffles. Noah shows Kole a better way
to do the shuffle. Kole nods in agreement and continues doing
the exercise properly.

Players in a row, doing side lunges.
71.

The pitchers, Brody, Drew, Kole and Noah swinging their arms,
doing an over under arm swing. Noah shows everyone how to do
the exercise with palms up.

COACH MILLER
(clapping his hands)
Hustle! Hustle!

Players hustling to the dugout to get their mitts. Jeter is
sleeping on the dugout bench. She doesn’t even move when the
boys run into the dugout.

Players are 10 feet apart, feet spread out, knees bent. Without
moving their lower half, players turn their shoulder, then
throw.

Father Ed walks up and down the line, watching.

FATHER ED
If you can’t play catch, you can’t
play baseball.

Players are 20 feet apart playing catch as quickly as they can.
Various players are fumbling the ball trying to do the drill.

Players are in the outfield spread out from other players doing
a long toss.

Coach Miller at the plate shagging flies. A pop up is hit just
left of center field.

CARTER AND SAM
I got it! I got it!

They both stop before they collide. The ball falls between
them.

END MONTAGE
Genres: ["Drama","Sports"]

Summary The team begins their pre-practice meeting with the introduction of Father Ed as their new bench coach and Noah as their newest player. During the practice, the players participate in various warm-up exercises, including running, arm circles, dynamic stretches, shuffles, side lunges, and catch. Coach Miller emphasizes the significance of hustling, while Father Ed focuses on the importance of catching and throwing skills. The players experience some fumbles in the catch drills. During a long toss exercise, Carter and Sam almost collide while attempting to catch a pop fly, resulting in the ball falling between them.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Compelling themes of forgiveness and redemption
  • Engaging plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Potential for more intense conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up key character dynamics, introduces important themes, and advances the plot significantly.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of redemption through baseball and the guidance of Father Ed is well-established and engaging.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses with Noah joining the baseball team and facing his past trauma, adding depth to the story.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces familiar sports practice elements but adds a fresh perspective through the protagonist's interactions with his teammates and coaches. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Character development is strong, especially with Noah's internal struggles and interactions with Father Ed and Blake.

Character Changes: 8

Noah undergoes significant emotional growth and begins his journey towards redemption, setting up potential character arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove himself as a valuable member of the team and earn the respect of his teammates and coaches. This reflects his deeper desire for acceptance and recognition.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to participate in the team practice and improve his skills. This reflects the immediate challenge of fitting in with the team and contributing to their success.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is internal conflict within Noah and external conflict with his past trauma and interactions with others.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and challenge the protagonist's goals, particularly in the interactions with teammates and coaches. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the opposition rating.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Noah as he confronts his past trauma, joins the baseball team, and seeks redemption.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key elements, advancing character development, and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because of the potential for conflict between the protagonist's personal goals and the team's expectations. The outcome of the practice drills and interactions with teammates adds an element of uncertainty.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the idea of individual improvement and teamwork. The protagonist must balance his personal goals with the needs of the team, challenging his beliefs about success and cooperation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes empathy and reflection, especially through Noah's struggles and the themes of redemption.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys emotions, conflicts, and themes, but could be more impactful in certain interactions.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it immerses the reader in the world of the baseball field and the protagonist's journey towards acceptance. The dynamic interactions between characters and the progression of the practice keep the audience interested.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and momentum during the practice drills. The rhythm of the actions and dialogue keeps the scene engaging and dynamic.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings, character names, and action descriptions. It adheres to the expected format for a screenplay in this genre.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected format for a sports practice scene, with clear descriptions of the setting, character actions, and dialogue. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus or purpose, it feels like a random collection of warm-up exercises without a cohesive narrative thread.
  • There is a lack of character development or interaction in this scene, making it feel flat and unengaging.
  • The dialogue is generic and does not add depth to the characters or move the story forward.
  • The visual elements described in the scene are mundane and do not create a vivid or engaging picture for the audience.
  • The scene could benefit from more conflict or tension to keep the audience interested and invested in the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a specific goal or challenge for the team to overcome during the practice, which can create a more engaging narrative.
  • Introduce more character interactions and dynamics during the warm-up exercises to add depth and interest to the scene.
  • Revise the dialogue to be more character-driven and meaningful, providing insights into the characters' personalities and relationships.
  • Enhance the visual elements by describing unique or visually striking warm-up exercises that can capture the audience's attention.
  • Add a subplot or mini-conflict within the practice session to create intrigue and keep the audience engaged.



Scene 27 -  Post-Practice Banter
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - DAY

The coaches are wrapping up practice.

COACH MILLER
Ok. Last one.

Coach Miller hits one last pop up to the infield.

ISAAC
Mine, mine, mine!

Isaac makes the catch at short stop.
72.

COACH MILLER
Good job. Bring it in.

Everyone hustles to the infield.

COACH MILLER
Ok. Way to hustle out there. We
definitely have some things we
need to work on but I liked the
effort everyone put in today. Make
sure you all study the signs
tonight. We have a scrimmage on
Saturday against Wando, so this
will be a good time to give
everyone a shot on the field, see
what you’re made of. Let’s get the
field cleaned up and see you
tomorrow.

The players dissipate. Everyone hustles to the shed and grabs
the rakes for the pitcher’s mound. Father Ed is on the tractor
raking the base paths.


EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS

Blake walks up to the field. She is just finishing lacrosse
practice. She steps into the dugout and sits next to Jeter,
petting him.

Brody and Noah finish cleaning the field and walk into the
dugout.

BLAKE
Mom wants us to stop at the store
on our way home to get some
almonds for Dad. He’s out.

BRODY
(to Noah)
My Dad likes to have a bowl of
almonds with a cocktail at the end
of the day. It’s his thing.

NOAH
Hey Blake.

BLAKE
Hi. How was your first practice?

NOAH
It was good.

BRODY
It was great!
73.

Brody slaps Noah on the back, hard.

NOAH
Could you go easy on the slap?

They both grab their baseball bags and head out of the dugout
towards the parking lot.

BLAKE
You need a ride?

NOAH
I’m good, I have my bike.

Blake continues walking towards her brother. She stops and
turns back to Noah.

BLAKE
See you at the dance tonight?

BRODY
Bro, you better be there. The
whole team is going.

NOAH
Sure. I guess so.

BLAKE
See you later! Bye Jeter. Bye
Noah.

Noah smiles at Blake. Brody turns and walks backwards, looking
at Noah.

BRODY
(like a girl)
Bye Noah.

Brody turns and runs past his sister.

BRODY (CONT’D)
I’m driving!
Genres: ["Drama","Sports"]

Summary After baseball practice, Blake joins lacrosse-playing Brody and Noah in the dugout. They chat about buying almonds, discuss the upcoming dance, and Brody teases Noah about liking Blake. The scene ends with Noah agreeing to consider attending the dance.
Strengths
  • Natural dialogue
  • Character development
  • Blend of sports and social interactions
Weaknesses
  • Low stakes
  • Limited conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends the sports practice setting with character interactions, providing a mix of serious and light-hearted moments that engage the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of blending sports practice with social interactions adds depth to the scene and allows for character development.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as the characters interact after practice, setting up potential future conflicts and relationships.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh approach to depicting family dynamics and social interactions within a sports setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show depth and development through their interactions, especially Noah and Blake.

Character Changes: 6

Noah shows a willingness to engage socially and potentially develop a romantic interest, indicating a change in his character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to bond with her teammates and show support for her brother. This reflects her deeper need for connection and family unity.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to attend a dance later that night. This reflects the immediate circumstances of social events and interactions with her peers.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

There is a mild conflict between Noah and Brody, but it is resolved quickly.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and tension, but not overwhelming, leaving room for character growth and development.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, focusing more on character interactions than intense conflict.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new dynamics and relationships among the characters.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because of the subtle conflicts and interactions between characters, keeping the audience interested in how the relationships will develop.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between the protagonist's desire to connect with her teammates and her brother, and the pressure to attend a social event. This challenges her values of family and social life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, especially in the potential romantic tension between Noah and Blake.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is natural and helps to establish the relationships between the characters.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it captures the dynamics of a sports team and family relationships, drawing the audience into the characters' lives and interactions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and developing character relationships, leading to a satisfying resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a sports drama genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus or purpose, as it transitions abruptly from the end of practice to a casual conversation between Blake, Brody, and Noah in the dugout.
  • The dialogue feels forced and lacks depth, with interactions between the characters coming across as superficial and lacking in authenticity.
  • There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into the characters' emotions and relationships, as the scene fails to explore any meaningful conflicts or developments.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and fails to create a vivid picture of the baseball field and the characters' interactions, making it feel flat and unengaging.
  • The transition from the end of practice to the casual conversation feels disjointed and abrupt, lacking a smooth flow that would connect the two parts seamlessly.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more depth to the dialogue by exploring the characters' emotions, motivations, and relationships in a more meaningful way.
  • Introduce a clear purpose or conflict in the scene to drive the interactions and create a more engaging narrative.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to paint a vivid picture of the setting and the characters' actions, making the scene more immersive for the audience.
  • Work on creating a smoother transition between the end of practice and the casual conversation to ensure a more cohesive and coherent flow of the scene.
  • Consider adding layers to the characters' interactions by incorporating subtext, tension, or character development to make the scene more dynamic and engaging.



Scene 28 -  Heartbreak at the Dance
INT. ST MICHAEL'S SCHOOL GYM - NIGHT

The music is pumping in the St. Michael’s gymnasium. Balloons
and string lights hang across the dance floor. Off to the side
are tables set up with snacks and drinks. Kids are dancing and
having a good time.

Noah walks into the gym, alone and looks around. He spots Blake
over by the refreshment table.
74.

Carter and Sam are standing by the refreshment table and they
spot Noah.

SAM
Noah!

Noah walks over to Carter and Sam.

CARTER
You want some?

Carter has a small bottle of Fireball tucked in his pocket.

NOAH
I’m good.

Brody, Kole and Pedro walk over to Noah.

KOLE
You have Fireball? Give me some.

Noah spots Principal Watts making a bee-line for his teammates.
He steps in front of her before she sees the Fireball. His
teammates scatter.

NOAH
Hello Principal Watts. Thank you
for having this dance. This is
really a great time.

WATTS
Oh. Noah. Glad to see you here.
How’s school going?

NOAH
It’s good.

Noah notices Blake walking away from the refreshment table.
Blake sees Noah and gives a subtle wave.

NOAH
Gotta go.

Noah makes his way to Blake. They meet in the middle of the
dance floor.

NOAH
Hi.

BLAKE
Hi.

NOAH
You look nice.
75.

BLAKE
Thank you. Are you having a good
time?

NOAH
I am now.

Noah smiles. Two of Blake’s teammates, MADDY and CALLIE walk
over and grab Blake.

MADDY
Blake..why are you talking to him?

BLAKE
What do you mean?

CALLIE
Didn’t he kill his Dad?

The smile leaves Noah’s face and he immediately turns and
leaves. Blake shakes her friend off of her.

BLAKE
You guys are assholes!

Blake runs after Noah. Noah races out of the gym.

BLAKE
Noah! Stop!
Genres: ["Drama","Teen","Romance"]

Summary Noah attends the school dance and initially enjoys himself, but the evening takes a turn when Blake's friends make a hurtful comment about him. Noah abruptly leaves the dance, leaving Blake feeling guilty and confused.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Potential cliches in high school drama dynamics

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional struggles of the characters and advances the plot significantly.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of trauma, forgiveness, and social acceptance is well-developed and drives the character interactions.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as Noah faces a challenging situation at the school dance, leading to potential character growth and conflict.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on teenage social dynamics and explores themes of judgment and acceptance. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' emotions and reactions are well-portrayed, especially Noah's internal turmoil and Blake's conflicted feelings.

Character Changes: 7

Noah experiences a shift in his emotional state and perception of others, particularly in his interactions with Blake and her friends.

Internal Goal: 8

Noah's internal goal in this scene is to connect with Blake and have a good time at the dance. This reflects his desire for acceptance and companionship.

External Goal: 7

Noah's external goal is to enjoy the dance and have a positive interaction with Blake. This reflects his immediate desire for social connection and enjoyment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Noah and Blake's friends, as well as Noah's internal struggles, creates a tense atmosphere.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Blake's friends creating conflict and obstacles for Noah. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will resolve.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Noah as he faces social ostracism and must confront his traumatic past in a public setting.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the conflict and relationships between the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events when Blake's friends confront Noah. It adds a layer of tension and uncertainty.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between Noah's desire for acceptance and the rumors and judgment from Blake's friends. This challenges Noah's belief in his own worth and how others perceive him.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, especially in Noah's reaction to the hurtful comments and rejection from his peers.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and conflict between the characters, particularly in the confrontation between Noah and Blake's friends.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional tension and character dynamics. The conflict and resolution keep the audience invested.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional impact. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions keeps the scene engaging.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a high school drama genre, with clear character introductions and interactions.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a smooth transition from the previous scenes, as it abruptly shifts from a positive and supportive atmosphere to a negative and hurtful interaction.
  • The introduction of the Fireball bottle and Principal Watts' interruption feels out of place and disrupts the flow of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Noah and Blake is brief and lacks depth, especially considering the emotional impact of the hurtful comment made by Blake's friends.
  • The scene fails to fully explore the emotional repercussions of the hurtful comment, as Noah's immediate reaction and departure feel rushed and underdeveloped.
  • The interaction between Blake and her friends, Maddy and Callie, comes across as forced and stereotypical, detracting from the authenticity of the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider building up the tension and emotional impact of the hurtful comment by allowing Noah and Blake to have a more meaningful conversation before the interruption.
  • Integrate the Fireball bottle subplot more organically into the scene or remove it entirely to maintain focus on the emotional dynamics between the characters.
  • Provide more context or backstory to explain the animosity towards Noah, especially regarding the rumor of him killing his father, to add depth to the conflict.
  • Explore the aftermath of the hurtful comment in more detail, allowing for a deeper exploration of Noah and Blake's emotional responses and potential reconciliation.
  • Avoid relying on cliched interactions between characters, such as the mean girls trope, and strive for more nuanced and authentic dialogue and character development.



Scene 29 -  Noah's Confession and Baseball Game
EXT. ST MICHAEL'S SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS

Blake runs out of the school. She looks out into the darkness
but doesn't see Noah anywhere.

BLAKE
Noah! Please come back!

Blake walks a little bit further towards the sport's fields.
Her instincts lead her to the baseball field.


EXT. BALL FIELD - NIGHT

Jeter comes out of the darkness and walks up to Blake.

BLAKE
Jeter...where's Noah.

Jeter turns and leads Blake to the dugout. Noah is sitting on
the bench, head hung low. Blake walks into the dugout and sits
next to Noah.
76.

NOAH
Your friends are right. I killed
my Dad. With these hands, I was
able to take another life....
I still can't shake that maybe
there was another way, but the
more I think about it, I don't
know. When I'm pitching and the
bases are loaded, I can always
find a way to get out of the
inning with minimal damage. But
this...there was no other way.

BLAKE
You did the right thing. I'm glad
you're here.

Noah looks at Blake.

NOAH
Aren’t you afraid of me?

BLAKE
I am scared. But I’m not afraid of
you. You're nothing like your
father.

Noah reaches up and tenderly touches Blake’s face. They kiss in
the dugout.


EXT. WANDO HIGH SCHOOL BALL FIELD - DAY

The Crusader’s are on the ball field playing the scrimmage
against Wando High School.


EXT. BULL PEN - CONTINUOUS

Noah is in the bullpen catching for Kole, who is warming up.

NOAH
Let me see your fast ball.

KOLE
OK. It's not pretty.

Kole winds up and throws his fastball. It is unimpressive.

NOAH
How are you gripping that thing?

Noah walks over to Kole. Kole shows him is grip. Noah takes the
ball from him and shows him a different grip.
77.

NOAH
Try gripping the ball like this.

NOAH (CONT’D)
It’s a bit easier with smaller
hands and you’ll get more spin on
the ball.

Noah goes back to catch. Kole winds up and throws. The ball
moves a bit more and makes a nice whizzing noise.

NOAH
Better! Do that when you’re out
there. Give me two more.

Coach Miller walks over to the bull pen.

COACH MILLER
Noah, do you want to pitch an
inning?


EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - LATER

Noah stands on the pitcher’s mound. He rearranges the dirt on
the mound and waits for the first batter from Wando to step
into the batters box.


EXT. BATTER'S BOX - CONTINUOUS

The batter takes a practice swing and gets set.


EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Noah winds up and throws an insane fastball right down the
middle.


EXT. BATTER'S BOX - CONTINUOUS

The batter swings for the fences and misses for strike one.

Pedro throws the ball back to Noah.


EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Noah looks at the ball in his mitt and grips the ball. He
brushes the dirt with his foot and digs into the rubber. He
winds up, and throws another fierce four seam strike.
78.

EXT. BATTERS'S BOX - CONTINUOUS

The batter swings and misses. Pedro catches the hard thrown
ball and throws it back to Noah.


EXT. BALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS

Noah, working quickly, sets up and throws a nasty curve, just
hitting the outside corner.


EXT. BATTER'S BOX - CONTINUOUS

The batter doesn’t swing, and starts walking out of the
batter’s box knowing it is a strike looking, but just then...

UMPIRE
Ball!

PEDRO
What? Come on.

The batter stops and turns to go back to the batter’s box.
Pedro, shaking his head throws the ball back to Noah.


EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Noah catches the ball and laughs to himself. He shakes off the
call and gets set. Noah does his usual brush of the dirt with
his foot and digs into the rubber. He winds up and throws his
fastball. The batter, once again, doesn’t swing. It is
obviously a strike.

UMPIRE
Ball two!


EXT. BALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS

Noah’s teammates react to the bad call. They are all chirping
comments to the umpire about the terrible call.

BRODY
Shake it off, Noah.

Coach Miller and Father Ed stand by the dugout.

FATHER ED
That’s a good pitch. Throw another
one.
79.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Sports"]

Summary Blake discovers Noah's secret and comforts him. Despite Noah's guilt, Blake's unwavering support helps him find solace. Noah's baseball game showcases his inner strength as he faces an unfair call with composure.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Exploration of themes of forgiveness and redemption
  • Character development for Noah
Weaknesses
  • Some predictable elements in the romance subplot
  • Slight cliches in the sports redemption arc

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally impactful, well-paced, and sets up significant character development for Noah. The dialogue is engaging, and the themes of forgiveness and redemption are effectively portrayed.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of redemption and self-forgiveness is central to the scene, as Noah grapples with his past actions and seeks to move forward. The importance of baseball as a tool for healing and growth is also highlighted.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through Noah's decision to pitch in the game and his interactions with Blake. The conflict between Noah's internal struggles and his desire to move past his trauma drives the narrative forward.

Originality: 8

The scene explores themes of redemption and forgiveness in a unique way, with characters facing personal challenges and growth. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Noah and Blake, are well-developed and undergo significant growth in the scene. Their emotional depth and interactions add depth to the story.

Character Changes: 9

Noah undergoes significant character development as he confronts his past trauma, seeks forgiveness, and finds solace in baseball. His interactions with Blake also contribute to his growth.

Internal Goal: 9

Blake's internal goal is to support and comfort Noah, showing him that she believes in him and sees him as separate from his father's actions.

External Goal: 8

Noah's external goal is to pitch well in the game and prove himself on the field.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The internal conflict within Noah, as well as the tension in his interactions with Blake and the baseball game, create a compelling level of conflict in the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with challenges in the baseball game and internal conflicts for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Noah as he grapples with his past actions, seeks redemption, and decides to pitch in the game. His emotional journey and growth add depth to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by showcasing Noah's decision to pitch in the game, his emotional journey, and his evolving relationship with Blake. It sets up future developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of the outcome of the baseball game, but the emotional twists and character revelations keep the audience engaged.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of redemption and forgiveness, as Noah grapples with his past actions and seeks acceptance from others.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through Noah's vulnerability and growth. The themes of forgiveness and redemption resonate with the audience, making it emotionally impactful.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is poignant and reveals the inner thoughts and emotions of the characters. It effectively conveys the themes of forgiveness and redemption.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters, the tension of the baseball game, and the themes of redemption and forgiveness.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance between emotional moments and action sequences. It keeps the audience invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with distinct transitions between locations and characters. It adheres to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure, moving between emotional character interactions and the baseball game seamlessly. The pacing and rhythm enhance the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The emotional depth and vulnerability displayed by Noah in confessing to Blake about killing his father is powerful and well-written. It adds a layer of complexity to Noah's character and his internal struggles.
  • The scene effectively showcases the emotional connection between Noah and Blake, highlighting their mutual support and understanding.
  • The dialogue between Noah and Blake feels authentic and heartfelt, capturing the weight of Noah's past actions and Blake's response.
  • The transition from the emotional confession to the baseball field practice is a bit abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the emotional impact of the previous interaction.
  • The umpire's inconsistent calls and the team's reaction add tension and conflict to the scene, creating a sense of frustration and challenge for Noah.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or reaction from Blake after Noah's confession to further emphasize her support and understanding of Noah's situation.
  • Explore ways to enhance the transition between the emotional intimacy of the confession scene and the intensity of the baseball field practice to maintain the emotional continuity.
  • Provide more visual cues or actions to convey the emotional turmoil and internal struggle Noah is experiencing during the baseball practice, adding depth to his character development.
  • Consider incorporating subtle cues or gestures between Noah and Blake during the baseball practice to reinforce their connection established in the previous scene.
  • Further develop the umpire's character or motivations to add depth to the conflict and tension surrounding the inconsistent calls, enhancing the stakes for Noah and his team.



Scene 30 -  Altercation on the Ballfield
EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Noah gets the ball back from Pedro and stares down the umpire.
He looks down at the dirt and shakes his head.

UMPIRE
Time!


EXT. BALLFIELD - CONTINUOUS

The umpire walks over to Father Ed and Coach Miller.

UMPIRE
That’s a warning to your pitcher.
Unsportsmanlike behavior.

COACH MILLER
For what!?

UMPIRE
Starring down the umpire.

The umpire walks towards the pitcher's mound. Noah stands on
the mound, his hands by his side.

UMPIRE (CONT’D)
This is your one and only warning
for unsportsmanlike behavior.

NOAH
What?!

FATHER ED
Shake it off, Noah. Just play
ball.

NOAH
This is bullshit.

The umpire turns and makes a wide swinging motion with his arm.

UMPIRE
You’re outta here!

The players erupt. Both dugouts are on their feet. Noah
aggressively approaches the umpire. The infield and outfield
rush in to try and stop Noah, as well as Father Ed and Coach
Miller. Noah chest bumps the umpire.

NOAH
Your calls suck!

UMPIRE
Go complain to your mommy.
80.

Noah instantly winds up and decks the umpire. He goes down like
a sack of potatoes.

All of Noah’s teammates pile on as the Wando bench empties onto
the field. It is complete chaos.

Father Ed finally grabs Noah by the jersey and pulls him out of
the fray.

UMPIRE
I’m filing a complaint with the
SCHSL. His season’s over!

FATHER ED
Let’s go!

Father Ed pushes Noah away from the umpire.

NOAH
What’s the SCHSL?

FATHER ED
They govern South Carolina high
school sports.

Coach Miller catches up to Noah and Father Ed.

COACH MILLER
(to Noah)
What were you thinking?

NOAH
He told me to complain to my
mommy!

FATHER ED
(to Coach Miller)
Get him in the locker room.

Coach Miller walks away with Noah. Father Ed turns and walks to
the umpire, who is tending to his face.

FATHER ED (CONT’D)
Blue, can I talk to you.

UMPIRE
That kid’s done. I don’t care what
you say.

FATHER ED
You made a comment about his
mother?

UMPIRE
So what? The kid’s a punk.
81.

FATHER ED
He shouldn’t have done what he
did, but he’s just a kid, and he
just lost his mother and father.

UMPIRE
Oh, come on!

FATHER ED
Would I lie to you?

The umpire sighs and shakes his head.

UMPIRE (CONT’D)
OK. I’ll let this go, but I still
need to document it. He’ll have to
sit for an in season game.

FATHER ED
Fair enough.
Genres: ["Drama","Sports"]

Summary Noah receives an unsportsmanlike conduct warning, sparking a verbal confrontation with the umpire. As tensions rise, Noah and the umpire engage in a physical altercation. Father Ed intervenes, defusing the situation temporarily. However, the incident is documented for future consequences, leaving Noah facing repercussions for his actions.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Effective character development
  • Compelling conflict progression
Weaknesses
  • Potential for excessive melodrama
  • Risk of character actions feeling contrived

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is intense, emotionally charged, and pivotal in the character development of Noah. It effectively conveys the escalating tension and conflict, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Noah's internal turmoil and external outburst is well-executed, adding depth to his character and advancing the plot significantly.

Plot: 9

The plot is driven by Noah's actions and the repercussions of his behavior, leading to a turning point in the story. It sets up future conflicts and character arcs.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the theme of grief and loss within the context of a high school sports setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and original.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Noah, are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are effectively portrayed. The scene showcases their vulnerabilities and flaws.

Character Changes: 8

Noah undergoes a significant change in this scene, reaching a breaking point and acting out in a way that has lasting consequences. His character arc is further developed.

Internal Goal: 8

Noah's internal goal in this scene is to control his emotions and deal with the loss of his parents. His outburst on the field reflects his deeper fears and struggles with grief.

External Goal: 7

Noah's external goal is to win the baseball game and perform well as a pitcher. His actions on the field reflect his desire to succeed in the game.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving internal struggles, interpersonal conflicts, and the consequences of actions. It drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Noah facing consequences for his actions and conflicting values of sportsmanship and personal emotions.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as Noah's actions have serious consequences for his future, relationships, and personal growth.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major conflict, deepening character relationships, and setting up future events and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected escalation of conflict and the shocking violence that occurs.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the values of sportsmanship and personal emotions. Noah's outburst challenges the values of fair play and respect for authority.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly empathy for Noah's struggles and the tension of the escalating conflict.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is confrontational and reflects the escalating tension between the characters. It effectively conveys the emotions and conflicts in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict and high stakes. The audience is drawn into the drama of the situation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a dramatic climax.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a sports drama, with escalating tension and conflict leading to a dramatic climax.


Critique
  • The scene escalates quickly from a warning to a physical altercation, which may feel rushed and abrupt to the audience.
  • Noah's reaction to the warning and subsequent confrontation with the umpire may come across as overly aggressive and out of character based on the established tone of the script.
  • The dialogue between Noah, Father Ed, and the umpire feels a bit forced and lacks subtlety in addressing the conflict.
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or emotional impact, leaving the audience with a sense of chaos and confusion.
  • The umpire's response to the situation may seem unrealistic and one-dimensional, missing an opportunity to add depth to the conflict.
Suggestions
  • Consider building up the tension and conflict more gradually to create a more believable and impactful confrontation.
  • Focus on developing Noah's emotional journey and internal struggle leading up to the altercation to make his actions more justified and relatable.
  • Add more nuance to the dialogue between the characters to convey their emotions and motivations effectively.
  • Provide a clearer resolution or aftermath to the scene to give closure to the conflict and show the consequences of Noah's actions.
  • Explore the umpire's character further to add complexity and depth to the conflict, allowing for a more engaging and realistic interaction.



Scene 31 -  Team Meeting: Tournament Announcement and Noah's Concerns
INT. WEIGHT ROOM - LATER

The entire baseball team is lifting in the weight room. Coach
Miller and Father Ed walk in and post a paper on the bulletin
board.

COACH MILLER
Everybody, I have the schedule for
the Tri-County tournament. Looks
like we are up against the
toughest team first because we’re
the lowest seed.

Players stop lifting and walk over to the board. Nick is the
first one at the board.

NICK
We’ve got Berkeley first? How are
we supposed to get past them?

GAVIN
Don’t they have that guy that
throws 90 plus?

CARTER
Dude, I played against him this
summer. Donnie Stevens. He was
sick! He was sitting comfortably
at 93. He just committed to Vandy.
If he even goes there. He might
get drafted right out of high
school.
82.

KOLE
(to his Dad)
If he’s pitching, you gotta start
Noah.

Noah is silently listening. Everyone ad-libs in agreement with
Kole.

ISAAC
Oh no..Diamond Prospects just
posted on twitter about the fight
with the umpire...”pitcher Noah
Rockford’s talent and temper on
full display. Hailing from Texas
and a troubled past.”

All of the players in the locker room grab their phones.

NOAH
Oh shit...

FATHER ED
That’s enough. Phones away. Keep
lifting.

Coach Miller and Father Ed walk out of the weight room. The
boys reluctantly go back to their lift workout.


INT. WEIGHT ROOM - LATER

The players are wrapping up the workout and are cleaning up,
putting weights back, etc. Bennett walks over to Noah.

BENNETT
Noah, Coaches wants to see you in
the office.

Noah grabs his towel and heads out of the weight room.


INT. COACH MILLERS'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Coach Miller is at his desk. Father Ed leans on the wall beside
him. Noah knocks and pokes his head in.

NOAH
You wanted to see me?

FATHER ED
Come in...take a seat.

Noah sits across from Coach Miller.
83.

NOAH
What’s up?

FATHER ED
Kole was spot on with you starting
against Berkeley.

NOAH
I can still play?

COACH MILLER
This is a pre-season tournament,
so yes.But you’ll have to sit for
our first in-season game for what
you did.

FATHER ED
Do you think you’re up to it?

NOAH
I think so.

FATHER ED
What about up here?

Father Ed points to his head.

FATHER ED (CONT’D)
You need to control your anger, I
don’t care if you’re right or
wrong. Punching umpires will get
you thrown off of this team.

NOAH
I know. But what if I can’t? What
if I’m damaged, like my dad?

FATHER ED
You’re not damaged. You’re a
teenage boy who needs to learn how
to control his emotions. Believe
me, I wanted to punch that ump in
the face, too. But I didn’t
because that’s not the right way
to handle things. You need to let
us handle the umpires, or
anything else that may happen in
the game. That’s our job. Your
job is to play baseball and let
us take care of you when you’re
out there. And ignore the social
media.

NOAH
Yes, sir.
84.

COACH MILLER
Good. Just a heads up though. I
have confirmation that Donnie
Stevens will be starting that
game. Do you know what that means?

NOAH
The kid that throws 94, yea, I
know.

Noah grins and nods his head. Coach Miller grins back at him.

COACH MILLER
OK. Get ready.

Noah gets up and walks to the door. He stops and turns.

NOAH
Everyone should really work on
hitting this week. All we need is
one run to beat them.

Coach Miller and Father Ed nod in agreement.

FATHER ED
I like how you’re thinking.
Genres: ["Drama","Sports"]

Summary The baseball team receives the tournament schedule, and Noah expresses concerns about his temper. The coaches offer support and guidance, and Noah takes ownership of his actions, encouraging the team to focus on hitting. The scene ends with Noah determined to face the challenge.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Limited focus on other team members

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys important themes of self-control, teamwork, and overcoming challenges in a sports setting. The dialogue is impactful and sets the stage for character growth and development.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of addressing Noah's emotional struggles and preparing for a crucial baseball game is well-executed. It sets up a compelling narrative arc for the character.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Noah is given a chance to redeem himself on the baseball field while facing a tough opponent. The scene sets up tension and anticipation for the upcoming game.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the sports drama genre by focusing on the internal struggles and emotional growth of the protagonist. The dialogue feels authentic and relatable, adding depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Coach Miller, Father Ed, and Noah are well-developed and their interactions reveal depth and complexity. The scene showcases their relationships and motivations effectively.

Character Changes: 8

Noah undergoes a significant change in mindset as he is given a chance at redemption and learns the importance of controlling his emotions. The scene sets up potential growth for the character.

Internal Goal: 8

Noah's internal goal is to control his anger and emotions, reflecting his fear of being like his father and his desire to succeed in baseball.

External Goal: 7

Noah's external goal is to prepare for the upcoming game against a tough opponent and prove himself as a valuable player on the team.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict present in the scene, primarily centered around Noah's internal struggles and the upcoming baseball game against a formidable opponent.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Noah facing internal and external challenges that test his character and abilities. The uncertainty of his future adds to the tension and drama.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the upcoming baseball game against a tough opponent add tension and urgency to the scene. Noah's personal struggles and the team's performance are crucial for their success.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by setting up the upcoming baseball game and Noah's personal journey towards self-improvement. It introduces new challenges and opportunities for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in Noah's character development and the challenges he faces. The audience is left unsure of how he will handle the upcoming game.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Noah's struggle to control his emotions and Father Ed's guidance on handling difficult situations with maturity and composure.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes emotions of determination, hope, and introspection. The characters' struggles and motivations resonate with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging, realistic, and serves to drive the narrative forward. It effectively conveys the emotions and motivations of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional conflicts, and relatable character dynamics. The tension and drama keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth, with a balance of dialogue and action that keeps the audience engaged. The rhythm of the scene enhances its impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the atmosphere of the weight room setting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a sports drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively sets up the upcoming tournament and Noah's role in it, but it could benefit from more emotional depth and character development.
  • The dialogue feels a bit exposition-heavy and could be more natural and engaging to reflect the characters' personalities and relationships.
  • There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into Noah's internal struggles and emotional turmoil after the recent incident with the umpire.
  • The scene lacks a strong emotional impact or a sense of urgency considering the gravity of Noah's situation and the upcoming game against a tough opponent.
  • The interaction between Noah, Coach Miller, and Father Ed could be more dynamic and engaging to draw the audience into the characters' conflicts and motivations.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more emotional depth to Noah's character by exploring his internal struggles and fears in a more nuanced way.
  • Work on making the dialogue more natural and reflective of each character's personality to enhance the authenticity of the scene.
  • Introduce more tension and urgency to the scene to create a sense of anticipation and build up towards the upcoming tournament.
  • Focus on developing the relationships between Noah, Coach Miller, and Father Ed to add layers to their interactions and make them more compelling.
  • Consider incorporating visual cues or actions to convey Noah's emotional state and inner turmoil effectively.



Scene 32 -  Team Practice and Bonding
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - DAY

MONTAGE - PRACTICE

Players burst with energy in the batting cages, swinging with
precision. Sam receives personalized coaching from Father Ed on
perfecting his bunting technique.

Brody live pitches to Sam. He bunts down the third base line.
Gavin charges the ball and makes the throw to first for the
out. The runner on first, Drew, safely advances to second.

In the bullpen, Noah unleashes a thunderous fastball to Pedro,
who is catching. Father Ed watches with admiring approval.

Kole, taking Noah’s advice to “eat everything,” sits in the
dugout eating from a jar of peanut butter.

Team running a pole from left field corner to right field
corner. Noah leads the charge while Brody fiercely trails
behind, igniting a competitive spirit among the players.

Various players doing arm circles, with the circles gradually
getting a little bit wider as they continue. The players do
same arm circles in reverse.
85.

Noah in the bullpen with Pedro. He throws an amazing curve
ball.

Coach Miller at the plate hits a bunt down the third baseline.
Brody charges the bunt from the pitchers mound and instead of
throwing it to first, he fires it to second and it sails over
Isaac’s head.

COACH MILLER
What was that? The plays at first
base. Get the easy out.

BRODY
Sorry coach.

COACH MILLER
Run a pole for that one.
Everybody, get the balls and bring
it in.

END MONTAGE


EXT. BALL FIELD - LATER

Kole and Noah gather baseballs in the outfield. Jeter lies
under a nearby oak tree.

NOAH
What happened to your Mom?

KOLE
She had colon cancer. She died
this past summer.

NOAH
I’m sorry. That's tough.

KOLE
I’m sorry about your parents. Are
you still seeing them? In the
stands? Sometimes I think I see my
Mom, like in a crowd of people or
something.

Noah looks seriously at Kole. Then he looks at the stands,
clearly seeing his Mom and Dad sitting there together. Jeter
sits up and looks at the stands, too.

NOAH
Sometimes. I'm learning to live
with it.
86.

Kole and Noah continue picking up baseballs in silence. Noah
grabs one, turns and imitates throwing a basketball into the
bucket with the baseball, redirecting the sad energy.

NOAH (CONT’D)
For the three pointer!

KOLE
Doesn’t even hit the rim!


EXT. LAURA'S HOUSE - LATER

Laura pulls into the driveway and gets out of her car to walk
inside. Coach Miller steps onto the porch.

COACH MILLER
Laura..you got a sec?

She looks tired and preoccupied.

LAURA
Sure. Just let me drop my stuff
and change. I’ll be right there.

COACH MILLER
OK.

Laura walks into her house.


INT. COACH MILLERS'S HOUSE - LATER

There is a knock at the door.

COACH MILLER
Come in!

Laura walks into the kitchen to find dirty dishes in the sink
and a slight clutter adorning the space. While not pristine,
it’s far from being considered filthy. Wearing a cozy t-shirt
and jeans, she exudes a newfound sense of comfort compared to
mere moments ago.

COACH MILLER
Beer?

LAURA
Definitely.

Coach Miller cracks open two long necks and hands Laura a beer.

LAURA
Thanks Coach. Cheers
87.

They both take a swig of beer.

COACH MILLER
Cheers. And please, call me
Jackson, or I might make you run
poles.

LAURA
All right. Jackson. So what’s up?

COACH MILLER
Did Noah tell you about the
tournament this weekend?

LAURA
Yes, he did. I can’t make the
game, but I volunteered for the
team lunch. I have a legal consult
with some clients.

COACH MILLER
Well, I thought you should know
that he’s starting against
Berkeley. Which means that every
scout in the country will be there
checking out Berkeley’s star
pitcher, Donnie Stevens.

Laura takes a satisfying swig of her beer.

LAURA
This is a real opportunity for the
team. Maybe one of your players
will do something exceptional and
get noticed by one of those
scouts.

Laura smiles at Coach Miller as she takes another sip of beer.

COACH MILLER
You think Noah is ready for this?

LAURA
He’s surviving. He knows who he is
and what he can handle. I think he
needs this. Can I ask you a
personal question?

COACH MILLER
Depends on the question.

LAURA
Where is Mrs. Miller?

Coach Miller takes a sip of beer.
88.

COACH MILLER
My wife, Jenny, she passed away at
the beginning of the year. Colon
cancer.

LAURA
I’m sorry. That must have been
tough for the two of you.

COACH MILLER
I appreciate that. It was. Still
is.

Coach Miller holds his beer bottle up to Laura.

COACH MILLER
To surviving.

Laura clings her bottle with his.

LAURA
Cheers. To surviving.
Genres: ["Drama","Sports"]

Summary The team practices baseball drills, including batting, fielding, and running. Kole reveals that his mother died of colon cancer, and Noah shares that he still sometimes sees his parents in the stands. Coach Miller and Laura discuss Noah's upcoming start against Berkeley and his potential for being scouted.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Authentic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Low external conflict
  • Some pacing issues

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines emotional depth with sports elements, creating a compelling narrative that engages the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using baseball practice as a backdrop to explore personal challenges and relationships is well-executed and adds depth to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through character interactions and reveals important details about their past traumas and current struggles.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to exploring grief and resilience within a sports setting, blending personal struggles with team dynamics. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and show growth, especially Noah and Kole, as they navigate their personal demons and form connections with each other.

Character Changes: 8

Noah and Kole show significant growth and acceptance of their past, leading to a sense of hope and healing.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to cope with grief and find a sense of comfort and connection with others. This is reflected in Kole and Noah's conversation about their deceased parents and the way they support each other.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to prepare for an upcoming tournament and perform well in the game. This is reflected in the practice and coaching sessions shown in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

There is internal conflict within the characters as they grapple with their past traumas and personal struggles, but the external conflict is relatively low.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with challenges in sports practice and personal conversations adding tension and conflict.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not extremely high in this scene, the emotional stakes for the characters are significant as they confront their past traumas and strive for redemption.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the characters' relationships, revealing important backstory, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it blends sports practice with personal conversations, adding layers of complexity and depth to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around coping with loss and finding resilience in the face of adversity. It challenges the protagonists' beliefs about grief and survival.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' vulnerabilities, struggles, and moments of connection, making it impactful and memorable.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is authentic and emotional, reflecting the characters' inner turmoil and their attempts to find solace and understanding.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines sports action with emotional depth, creating a compelling and relatable narrative.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively balances action sequences with emotional moments, creating a dynamic and engaging rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, clearly delineating the different locations and character interactions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical sports practice and personal conversation structure, effectively balancing action and emotion.


Critique
  • The montage of the team practicing baseball is well-structured and engaging, showcasing different aspects of their training and interactions.
  • The dialogue between Noah and Kole about their respective losses adds depth to their characters and creates a sense of empathy between them.
  • The scene between Laura and Coach Miller provides insight into their personal lives and establishes a supportive relationship between them.
  • The use of visual elements, such as Noah seeing his parents in the stands and Jeter reacting to it, adds emotional depth to the scene.
  • The transition from the baseball field to Laura's house is smooth and helps maintain the flow of the narrative.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more specific details about the baseball practice drills to make the scene more vivid and immersive.
  • Explore the emotional impact of Noah's hallucinations of his parents further to delve into his internal struggles.
  • Provide more context or backstory about Coach Miller's wife's passing to deepen the emotional connection with the audience.
  • Consider incorporating a moment of reflection or introspection for Laura after learning about Coach Miller's loss to show her empathy and compassion.
  • Ensure a seamless transition between the different locations and characters to maintain the coherence of the scene.



Scene 33 -  Noah's Early Morning Struggle
INT. LAURA WOOD’S HOUSE - NIGHT

Noah is jolted out of his sleep. He sits straight up, drenched
in sweat, breathing heavily. It’s 4 am. Jeter sits up and jumps
off the bed. He sits in the doorway, staring at Noah. This is a
nightly routine.

Noah swings his legs out of the bed and he sits for a moment,
gathering his thoughts. He gets up and walks to the door.

NOAH
Let’s go.


EXT. LAURA’S HOUSE - NIGHT

A full moon illuminates the front yard. It’s a warm, Charleston
evening. Crickets are chirping loudly. Noah, dressed in a t-
shirt, shorts and sneakers walks out the front door with Jeter.
He does a quick stretch and then begins his nightly insomnia
jog.


EXT. ST MICHAEL’S SCHOOL - MOMENTS LATER

Noah and Jeter jog to the ball field. Noah walks into the
dugout. He retrieves a small bag under the dugout bench. It’s
filled with weighted balls.
89.

Noah takes the bag and walks over to the dugout wall. He dumps
the bag, gets down on one knee with his back to the wall. He
begins doing a reverse throw drill against the brick wall. The
thud of the ball hitting the wall pierces the quiet of the
night. With every thud, he sees his father's head hitting the
ground.

The ball seems to get heavier and heavier. Noah tries to throw
harder, but the emotional pain on his face is palpable. He
stops throwing and finally cries for the first time, alone in
the dark.

FATHER ED (O.S.)
Noah, you can’t change the past.
Let your eyes look straight ahead.

Father Ed stands a few feet behind Noah.

Noah, startled, looks at Father Ed, trying to find the meaning
in his words.

FATHER ED (CONT’D)
What do you have? What have you
always had?

Noah looks down at the baseball in his hand.

BEGIN FLASHBACK

Noah at 12 years old looks at the baseball in his hand. He
stands on the mound, looking straight ahead at the catcher’s
mitt, waiting for his pitch.

FATHER ED (V.O.)
Fix your gaze directly before you.
It’s what you do from this moment
on that will determine your
future.

END FLASHBACK
Genres: ["Drama","Sports"]

Summary Haunted by nightmares, Noah seeks solace in a strenuous workout at the school ball field. While performing a reverse throw drill, memories of his father's death resurface, triggering emotional turmoil. Father Ed arrives, offering words of guidance to focus on the future. Recalling his father's advice, Noah regains determination, vowing to let his actions shape his path.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Poignant dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Slow pacing in some parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is powerful and emotionally charged, providing a pivotal moment for Noah's character development and growth. It effectively conveys the internal struggles and conflicts he faces, setting the stage for potential resolution and healing.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of facing one's past, seeking guidance, and finding solace in a mentor figure is well-executed in this scene. It explores themes of forgiveness, redemption, and self-acceptance in a compelling manner.

Plot: 8

The plot advances Noah's journey towards healing and self-discovery, as he confronts his past traumas and seeks a way forward. The scene sets up important emotional and narrative arcs for the character.

Originality: 8

The scene demonstrates a level of originality through its focus on emotional depth, symbolic imagery, and the use of baseball as a metaphor for personal growth. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Noah and Father Ed, are well-developed and showcase depth and complexity in their interactions. Their emotional struggles and growth are central to the scene's impact.

Character Changes: 9

Noah undergoes significant emotional growth and introspection in this scene, confronting his past traumas and seeking a path towards healing. His character arc is pivotal to the overall narrative.

Internal Goal: 9

Noah's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with his past, specifically his father's death, and find a way to move forward emotionally. This reflects his deeper need for closure, his fear of repeating past mistakes, and his desire to find peace and healing.

External Goal: 7

Noah's external goal in this scene is to practice his baseball skills and work through his emotional pain by engaging in physical activity. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in dealing with his grief and trauma.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is internal conflict and emotional turmoil within Noah, the scene focuses more on introspection and personal growth rather than external conflicts. The conflict is more subtle but impactful.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Noah facing internal and external challenges that push him to confront his past and find a way forward. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how Noah will overcome his emotional obstacles.

High Stakes: 6

While the stakes are not overtly high in terms of external conflicts, the emotional stakes for Noah in confronting his past and seeking redemption are significant. The scene carries weight in terms of character development and growth.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by delving into Noah's internal struggles and setting up important emotional and narrative arcs for future developments. It deepens the audience's understanding of the character and his journey.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it presents unexpected emotional twists and turns in Noah's journey, challenging the audience's expectations and assumptions about his character.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between Noah's struggle to let go of the past and Father Ed's reminder to focus on the present and future. This challenges Noah's beliefs about how to cope with loss and move forward.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene is highly emotionally impactful, evoking strong feelings of empathy, sadness, and hope for the characters. It delves deep into Noah's emotional struggles and resonates with the audience on a profound level.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is poignant and meaningful, particularly in the exchange between Noah and Father Ed. It effectively conveys the emotional weight of the scene and the characters' inner turmoil.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it draws the audience into Noah's emotional journey, using atmospheric descriptions, introspective dialogue, and symbolic imagery to create a sense of depth and complexity.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, emotional depth, and character development. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in Noah's journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, action lines, and character dialogue. The visual descriptions and character actions are clear and concise.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene transitions, character actions, and dialogue that contribute to the overall narrative arc. The pacing and rhythm of the scene are effective in building tension and emotional depth.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Noah's nightly routine of dealing with insomnia and emotional turmoil, as seen through his jog to the ball field and his intense drill against the wall.
  • The use of weighted balls in the drill symbolizes the weight of Noah's emotional trauma and the struggle he faces in trying to overcome it.
  • The flashback to Noah's past at 12 years old provides context for his current struggles and ties in well with Father Ed's advice in the present.
  • The dialogue between Noah and Father Ed is poignant and offers a sense of guidance and reflection for Noah's character.
  • The emotional depth of the scene is palpable, especially with Noah finally breaking down and crying, showing vulnerability and inner turmoil.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual cues or actions to enhance the emotional impact of Noah's breakdown, such as his body language or facial expressions.
  • Explore incorporating more sensory details to immerse the audience in Noah's emotional journey, such as the sound of his heavy breathing or the feel of the weighted balls in his hands.
  • Perhaps delve deeper into Noah's internal thoughts and struggles during the drill, providing insight into his mindset and emotional state.
  • Consider further developing the connection between the weighted balls and Noah's emotional trauma, emphasizing the symbolism and significance of this aspect.
  • Ensure a seamless transition between the flashback and present moment to maintain the flow of the scene and enhance the emotional resonance.



Scene 34 -  Preparation and Uncertainty
EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - NIGHT

Noah stares down at a baseball in his hand. He stands on the
mound, the moon illuminating the dark morning sky, looking at
the empty batters box.


EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT - DAY

The school bus is idling in the parking lot, all set to take
the players to Berkeley. Laura hands bagged lunches to the boys
as they get on the bus.
90.

Noah grabs a lunch, turns and whistles to Jeter.

NOAH
I’ll see you at the game?

LAURA
No, I have mediation.

Laura sees the look of disappointment on Noah’s face. He can’t
help but remember his mother missing that last game.

LAURA (CONT’D)
But I’ll try, OK?

NOAH
Can you just text me or something,
to let me know either way?

LAURA
Of course.

Noah and Jeter board the bus. Coach Miller and Father Ed are
the last two to get on.


INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS

Coach Miller sits in the first row, Father Ed is driving.

FATHER ED
Grab your seats, boys.

The bus pulls away from the school as Laura looks on.


INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS

Noah sits at the back of the bus, Jeter by his side. He stares
out the window. He looks far away and lost in his thoughts,
thinking about the upcoming game. The rest of the team is
chatting and loudly interacting with each other.


EXT. BERKELEY HIGH SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS

The Crusader’s Baseball team exits the bus. Noah, along with
Jeter are the last ones off. They make their way to the ball
field.


EXT. AWAY DUGOUT - CONTINUOUS

The Crusader’s enter the dugout.
91.

They quickly leave their baseball bags, get their mitts and
head to the field to warm up.


EXT. BERKELEY HOME DUGOUT - CONTINUOUS

The Berkeley Stags high school baseball team drop their bags in
the dugout, grab their mitts and exit the dugout to the field
for warm ups. DONNIE STEVENS grabs his mitt and heads to the
bull pen with the head coach. DONNIE’S DAD joins them.

DONNIE’S DAD
Donnie, every scout is here. Cubs,
Mets, Los Angeles, Texas and most
importantly, the Yankees. Do you
have power bars and Celsius in the
dugout for Donnie?

STAG COACH
He’s got everything.

DONNIE’S DAD
This better not be like the state
championships. Donnie needs more
than just water to hydrate.

STAG COACH
That was my screw up. Won’t happen
again.

DONNIE'S DAD
It better not. My son’s trending
with a possible five million
dollar signing bonus in the draft
with the Yankees on the line. I’ll
hold you personally responsible if
Donnie doesn’t have everything
that he needs. You’ll be coaching
the small bus baseball team if
this gets fucked up.

STAG COACH
We are on point. No fuck ups.
Donnie just needs to go out there
and win.

DONNIE
I feel good, ready to kick some
ass.
92.
Genres: ["Drama","Sports"]

Summary As the Crusaders prepare for their upcoming game against Berkeley, Noah grapples with uncertainty over Laura's attendance. The team's excitement and anticipation contrasts with Donnie's father's conflict with the opposing coach over hydration. The scene ends as the teams enter their respective dugouts for warm-ups.
Strengths
  • Effective build-up of tension and emotion
  • Compelling exploration of character's internal struggles
  • Prominent themes of facing past trauma and overcoming challenges
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced and impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion, setting the stage for a pivotal moment in the story. The exploration of Noah's internal struggles adds layers to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of facing inner demons while preparing for a crucial baseball game is compelling and adds depth to the character development. The scene effectively sets up the conflict and stakes for the upcoming game.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Noah grapples with his past trauma and prepares for the game against Berkeley. The scene sets the stage for a significant turning point in the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar sports competition setting but adds originality through the intense focus on the characters' internal and external goals, as well as the philosophical conflict between parental expectations and personal drive.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, especially Noah, are well-developed and their internal struggles are portrayed effectively. The interactions between the characters add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Noah undergoes significant emotional growth and introspection in the scene, setting the stage for potential character development and transformation in future events.

Internal Goal: 8

Noah's internal goal is to perform well in the upcoming game and possibly catch the attention of scouts. This reflects his desire for success, validation, and recognition in his sport.

External Goal: 7

Noah's external goal is to win the game and showcase his skills to the scouts present. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the competition.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict is palpable, both internally within Noah as he grapples with his past, and externally as he prepares to face a formidable opponent in the upcoming game.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations and expectations between characters, as well as the pressure of the upcoming game and scouts' presence.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Noah prepares to face a formidable opponent in the upcoming game, while also confronting his past trauma. The outcome of the game could have significant implications for his future.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by setting up the crucial game against Berkeley and deepening the emotional stakes for the characters. It lays the groundwork for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the conflicting motivations and expectations of the characters, as well as the uncertainty of the game's outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the pressure and expectations placed on young athletes by parents and coaches. Donnie's father's intense focus on his son's success and potential signing bonus contrasts with Noah's more personal and internal drive for success.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly empathy for Noah as he confronts his past trauma and prepares for the high-stakes game. The emotional depth adds resonance to the narrative.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotion of the scene. It provides insight into the characters' thoughts and feelings, enhancing the overall impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it builds tension and conflict through authentic character interactions, high stakes, and the anticipation of the upcoming game.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and anticipation for the upcoming game, with a balance of character interactions and setting descriptions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a sports drama genre, with a focus on character interactions, tension-building dialogue, and setting the stage for the upcoming game.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from the previous scene, making it feel disjointed and abrupt.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth and connection with Noah's character as he prepares for the upcoming game. More insight into his thoughts and feelings could enhance the scene.
  • The dialogue between Noah and Laura feels somewhat forced and could be more natural and engaging.
  • The interaction between Donnie Stevens and his father feels cliched and lacks subtlety, detracting from the overall authenticity of the scene.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to create a vivid and immersive setting for the readers.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue from Noah to provide insight into his emotions and mindset as he prepares for the game.
  • Work on creating a smoother transition between scenes to maintain the flow of the narrative.
  • Focus on developing more organic and authentic dialogue between characters to enhance the realism of the interactions.
  • Avoid cliched interactions and instead strive for more nuanced and original character dynamics.
  • Incorporate more sensory details and vivid imagery to bring the setting to life and engage the reader's imagination.



Scene 35 -  The Scout's Arrival
EXT. BERKELEY PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS

A late model sedan pulls into a parking space in the parking
lot. Anthony Brunetti is at the wheel. He puts the car in park.

ANTHONY
(to himself)
Let’s see what this kids got.

Anthony reaches over to the glove box, pulls out a flask, and
takes a big swig. It’s déjà vu, as he puts the flask in his
jacket pocket and exits the vehicle.


EXT. BASEBALL FIELD BLEACHERS - CONTINUOUS

Anthony walks up to the bleachers. All of the scouts react to
seeing him.

SCOUT #1
There he is. Anthony Brunetti.

SCOUT #2
Why are you here? There’s nothing
to see.

ANTHONY
Funny. I’m just looking to watch a
little baseball on a beautiful,
sunny afternoon.

SCOUT #2
The Yankees are stacked. Give
someone else a chance.

Anthony unfazed.

ANTHONY
Don’t worry boys, this is
anybody’s game. Anyway, I’m not
sold on this kid.

SCOUT #1
You’re not sold on a 95 mile per
hour fast ball? Ha!

SCOUT #2
Word is the Yankees are willing to
go as high as 5 mil for Stevens.

ANTHONY
I think he’s more like 91, and you
shouldn’t pay attention to rumors
like that. Let’s see what happens
today.
93.

Players are warming up in the background. Donnie is throwing in
the home team bullpen. Noah is warming up in the away bullpen.


INT. LAURA’S OFFICE - DAY

Laura hurriedly exits the elevator. She rushes down the hallway
and into the waiting conference room.


INT. LAW OFFICE CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Laura’s client, Jen, is seated at the conference table across
from her soon to be ex-husband Steve, and his attorney, Brad.
Laura hurriedly places her files on the table and takes her
seat next to Jen.

LAURA
Sorry I’m late. How’s everyone
doing today?

STEVE
We were just discussing the
custody of the fish.

LAURA
Fish?

STEVE
Yes. There is a 500 gallon custom
built-in fish tank with an
assortment of exotic fish and
plantings.

Laura takes notes listening to the argument. She slightly rolls
her eyes at the pettiness.

JEN
I don’t want them. They’re your
fish, get them out of there or I’m
flushing them.

BRAD
You’re getting the house! I’m
moving into a one bedroom shoe
box! They’re your problem, now.

LAURA
What did you say?

BRAD
Her house, her problem.

Laura sits back in her seat.
94.

LAURA
Huh. I have to go.

Laura leaves everything on the table, grabs her bag and exits.
Jen, Steve and Brad awkwardly look at each other, confused.

Jen glares at her soon-to-be ex-husband.

JEN
Even she can’t stand you.


EXT. AWAY BULL PEN - DAY

Noah throws one more warm-up pitch to Pedro.

NOAH
I’m good.

PEDRO
Let’s go, Rockpaw!

Noah exits the bull pen and looks at the stands, zoning in on
the scouts. He recognizes Anthony, and pulls his hat down.


EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS

Players are lined up on the field, hats off.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Please rise for the playing of our
national anthem.

The national anthem starts playing. Everyone stands at
attention.


EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS

Coach Miller and Father Ed stand next to the dugout.

FATHER ED
Everyone, bring it in.

Everyone gathers around Father Ed and Coach Miller. Father Ed
takes a knee, everyone leans in.

FATHER ED
Please bless today’s game, our
opponent, our team, and all
watching our play. Thank you for
the opportunity to compete and
bring out the best in each other.
(MORE)
95.

FATHER ED (CONT’D)
May we play hard and fair. Please
keep everyone safe from injury and
harm. We pray in the name of the
Father, and of the Son, and of the
Holy Spirit – Amen.

Everyone makes the sign of the cross.

PLAYERS
Amen.

COACH MILLER
Hands in

Players put their hands in.

EVERYONE
One, two, three. Crusaders!


EXT. STANDS - CONTINUOUS

Laura walks into the stadium and makes her way to the stands.
She grabs a seat a few rows behind Anthony. Blake is seated in
the stands right behind Laura.

INSERT - LAURA’S IPHONE

A text to Noah says “I’m here.”

BACK TO SCENE

Blake taps Laura on the shoulder. Laura turns to Blake.

BLAKE
Are you Noah’s Aunt?

LAURA
Yes. Who are you?

BLAKE
I’m Blake, a friend of Noah’s. My
brother, Brody, is also on the
team. Can I sit with you?

LAURA
Of course!

Laura moves her bag to make room for Blake.
96.

EXT. DUGOUT - CONTINUOUS

Noah looks at his phone and sees the text message. He goes to
the end of the dugout and looks to the stands.


EXT. STANDS - CONTINUOUS

In the distance, sitting in the stands, Laura and Blake chat
away. It is reminiscent of Noah wanting his mom to sit with his
"future supermodel girlfriend to watch him throw strikes."


EXT. DUGOUT - CONTINUOUS

Noah sighs with relief. He focuses his attention back to the
team.

NOAH
Come on Drew! Get your pitch and
drive it!


EXT. BALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS

The home team takes the field. Donnie slowly but deliberately
walks to the pitcher’s mound. He begins a warmup with the
catcher.

In the stands, the scouts are well positioned with radar guns,
stop watches, etc.


EXT. BALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS

Drew Messina steps into the batters box for the Crusaders.

Donnie throws the first pitch, a sizzler of a fastball. Drew
swings and misses.

Donnie’s Dad cheers him on from the stands.

A radar machine is set up on a table behind home plate. It is
connected to an app on their cell phones. The speed is 93 mph.
Scouts are intently watching.

Donnie throws a curve and Drew swings and misses terribly.

Crusaders players are intently watching and cheering on Drew.
97.
Genres: ["Drama","Sports"]

Summary Anthony Brunetti, a skeptical baseball scout, arrives at a high school baseball game to evaluate Noah Stevens, a promising pitcher. Noah's aunt, Laura, provides support and comfort to Noah as he navigates the pressure of the game. The opposing pitcher, Donnie Messina, displays impressive skills, setting the stage for an exciting matchup.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity on some character relationships

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines the tension of a high-stakes baseball game with emotional depth and character development, making it engaging and impactful.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Noah facing his past trauma while trying to succeed in a crucial baseball game is compelling and adds layers to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Noah prepares to pitch in the game, with the presence of scouts adding pressure and tension to the situation.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces familiar themes of competition, family dynamics, and personal relationships but adds a fresh perspective through its focus on baseball scouting and divorce negotiations. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and grounded in reality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Noah, are well-developed and their internal struggles are portrayed effectively, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Noah undergoes significant emotional growth and self-reflection in the scene, leading to a change in his mindset and approach.

Internal Goal: 8

Anthony's internal goal is to assess the young baseball player's talent and potentially make a decision about his future. This reflects his desire to make informed decisions and maintain his reputation as a scout.

External Goal: 7

Anthony's external goal is to evaluate the baseball player's performance and potentially influence the decision-making process for the team. This reflects his immediate challenge of identifying talent and making strategic decisions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict present, mainly internal for Noah as he grapples with his past and the pressure of the game.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations driving the characters' interactions. The audience is kept engaged by the uncertainty and tension created by the characters' conflicting desires.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the baseball game, combined with Noah's personal struggles, create a tense and gripping atmosphere.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by setting up the crucial baseball game and deepening the audience's understanding of Noah's character.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions and the evolving dynamics between them. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the conflicts will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between Anthony's skepticism towards the player's abilities and the scouts' confidence in the player's potential. This challenges Anthony's beliefs about talent evaluation and decision-making in the baseball industry.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, especially in relation to Noah's internal struggles and the support he receives from those around him.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and serves the purpose of conveying the emotions and thoughts of the characters in a natural way.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic character interactions, realistic dialogue, and escalating tension. The audience is drawn into the conflicts and motivations of the characters, creating a sense of anticipation and emotional investment.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and description that maintains the audience's interest and builds tension effectively. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its overall effectiveness in conveying the characters' emotions and motivations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and character movements.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear and coherent structure, transitioning smoothly between different locations and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness in building tension and drama.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Anthony Brunetti arriving at the baseball field, but the transition from the parking lot to the bleachers feels abrupt and could be smoother.
  • The dialogue between the scouts discussing Noah's potential and the Yankees' interest feels a bit on the nose and could be more subtly conveyed.
  • The scene with Laura in the law office discussing the custody of fish feels disconnected from the baseball game and could be better integrated into the overall narrative.
  • The transition from Laura's office to the baseball field is a bit jarring and could benefit from a smoother transition to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • The prayer led by Father Ed before the game is a nice touch, but the dialogue could be more impactful and emotionally resonant to set the tone for the upcoming game.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the transitions between different locations to create a more seamless flow in the scene.
  • Work on making the dialogue more natural and nuanced to avoid feeling too on the nose or disconnected from the overall narrative.
  • Integrate Laura's storyline more effectively into the baseball game setting to ensure a cohesive and engaging narrative.
  • Enhance the emotional impact of key moments, such as the prayer before the game, to set the tone and engage the audience more effectively.
  • Consider adding more visual cues and descriptive details to enhance the atmosphere and immerse the audience in the scene.



Scene 36 -  Donnie Dominates
EXT. AWAY DUGOUT - CONTINUOUS

Crusaders team leans on the dugout fence, intently watching the
game.

ISAAC
Make him throw a strike.


EXT. BALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS

Donnie throws the next pitch and misses high for a ball.
Players ad-lib “good eye," etc.

Drew steps out of the batter box, adjusts his gloves and steps
back in. Donnie throws another fastball and Drew strikes out
looking.

UMPIRE
Strike three!

The catcher throws the ball back to Donnie. Donnie is cocky and
confident.

The next batter, Brody, steps up. Donnie throws the first pitch
and Brody gets a piece of it, popping it up right back to
Donnie. He easily makes the out.

Brody heads back to the dugout. He takes off his helmet and
sits next to Jeter.

BRODY
(to Jeter)
That was ugly.

Gavin steps up to the plate. He takes several practice swings
and gets ready.

Three fastballs, three strikes, he’s out.

Berkeley hustles off the field as the Crusaders hustle onto the
field.


EXT. STANDS - CONTINUOUS

The scouts are all talking to each other, not paying attention
to the Crusader team on the field behind them. Noah is on the
mound warming up with Pedro. Laura takes out her cell phone and
is filming Noah warming up.

SCOUT #1
Wow. That kid looks good. I think
I’ve seen enough.
98.

SCOUT #2
You’re leaving already?

SCOUT #1
No. Just grabbing a hot dog from
concessions. What about you
Brunetti? Can you confirm the
Yankees are going after him?

ANTHONY
(laughing)
No comment. Hey can you get me a
hot dog? With mustard.

Brunetti hands him two dollars. Laura continues filming. She is
getting the scouts comments as well.

SCOUT #1
Is this guy for real?

In the background, the first batter steps into the batters box.
The scouts aren’t even paying attention to the field, after
all, they are only there to see Donnie. Noah winds up and
throws the first pitch. The sound of the ball slamming into
Pedro’s mitt is a sound that can’t be ignored. The scouts
immediately turn and look at their phone app. It’s 96 MPH.

SCOUT #2
Is that right?

Their focus immediately turns to the field. The scouts grab
their guns, video cameras and cell phones. It’s all very
intense, very quickly.
Genres: ["Drama","Sports"]

Summary Despite the Crusaders' encouragement, Drew strikes out against Donnie. Brody follows with a weak pop-up, and Gavin also goes down on strikes. As the Crusaders take the field, the scouts remain distracted by Donnie's performance. However, the game takes an unexpected turn when Noah's blazing fastball captures their attention.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Limited focus on other team members

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and excitement through the baseball game, emotional moments, and the presence of scouts evaluating Noah's performance.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showcasing Noah's pitching skills in a high-pressure game while dealing with personal struggles is well executed.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around Noah's performance in the game, the presence of scouts, and the emotional support from his aunt and love interest.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the competitive world of baseball scouting, with a focus on the protagonist's internal and external goals. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Noah, Laura, and the scouts, are well-developed and contribute to the tension and emotional depth of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Noah experiences growth and determination in facing his challenges and showcasing his talent in the game.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to perform well and impress the scouts. This reflects their deeper desire for recognition, validation, and success in their sport.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to pitch well and strike out batters. This reflects the immediate challenge of facing tough opponents and showcasing their skills to the scouts.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Noah's personal struggles, the pressure of the game, and the presence of scouts creates a high level of tension.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges on the field and pressure from the scouts. The uncertainty of the scouts' reactions adds to the tension.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the game, the presence of scouts, and Noah's personal struggles raise the tension and importance of the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting Noah's progress, the support he receives, and the outcome of the game.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it keeps the audience guessing about the protagonist's performance and the scouts' reactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protagonist's desire for personal success and the pressure to perform under the scrutiny of the scouts. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about their own abilities and worth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact of Noah's internal struggles, the support from his aunt and love interest, and the high-stakes game is significant.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the intensity of the game, the scouts' interest, and the emotional support from the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it builds tension and suspense, with high stakes for the protagonist and a sense of urgency in the scouts' reactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and maintaining a sense of momentum throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, action descriptions, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a sports drama, with clear action beats and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus on the main character, Noah, and his emotional journey during the game. It is important to establish Noah's internal struggles and motivations to create a more engaging and relatable story.
  • The dialogue between the scouts feels a bit forced and unrealistic. It would be more effective to show their reactions through their body language and facial expressions rather than relying on direct dialogue to convey their thoughts.
  • The transition between the Crusaders players cheering on Drew and the scouts' conversation feels abrupt and disjointed. A smoother transition would help maintain the flow of the scene.
  • There is a missed opportunity to build tension and suspense as Noah prepares to pitch. Adding more descriptive details about his mindset and emotions leading up to the pitch would enhance the dramatic impact of the moment.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues to convey the intensity and excitement of the scouts' reactions to Noah's pitch. Utilizing visual elements to show their immediate response would heighten the sense of anticipation and importance of the moment.
Suggestions
  • Focus on Noah's perspective and internal struggles throughout the scene to create a more compelling narrative.
  • Consider showing the scouts' reactions through non-verbal cues to make their responses more realistic and engaging.
  • Smooth out the transition between different elements of the scene to maintain a cohesive flow.
  • Enhance the build-up to Noah's pitch by adding descriptive details about his emotions and mindset in the moments leading up to the pitch.
  • Utilize visual cues to convey the intensity and importance of the scouts' reactions to Noah's pitch, enhancing the dramatic impact of the scene.



Scene 37 -  Noah's Past Revealed
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS

Coach Miller and Father Ed look at each other and then look at
the scouts in the stands.

FATHER ED
Oh man he looks good.

COACH MILLER
He sure does.


EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Noah digs his foot into the rubber. He winds up and throws
another four seam fastball.
99.

EXT. STANDS - CONTINUOUS

The fastball is filthy, this time 97 mph. Scouts have out
stopwatches and notepads. It’s strike two.

Anthony flips through his book, looking for the name of the
pitcher.

ANTHONY
Who is this kid? He seems
familiar...


EXT. BERKELEY HOME DUGOUT - CONTINUOUS

All of the players intently watch. Donnie downs a Celsius and
tries to act casual, but after the next pitch he stands and
watches intently.

DONNIE
What the heck is this?


EXT. STANDS - CONTINUOUS

Scouts are flipping through rosters and names.

LAURA (O.S.)
It’s Noah Rockford.

Anthony turns to see who said that to him. The first batter
strikes out in the background. Laura stops filming.

ANTHONY
He looks different. The hair.

LAURA
He relocated here with me from
Texas. He’s at St. Michael’s
Catholic. The dress code doesn’t
allow long hair.
(to Blake)
Come on.

Laura and Blake head out of the stands. The scouts look
dumbfounded.

SCOUT #1
That’s the same Noah Rockford from
Argyle High School in Texas?

ANTHONY
Same one.
100.

EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS

Laura walks down to the stands on the away dugout side. Blake
follows her. She and Blake stand by the fence away from
everyone, watching Noah pitch.

LAURA
It’s too nerve wracking up there.

Blake and Laura watch through the fence.


EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Noah stares down the next batter. He winds up and throws a
heater. The sound of the ball is impossible to ignore. The
batter swings and misses by a mile.

UMPIRE
Strike!

Pedro throws the ball back to Noah. Noah does a quick spin
around the mound. He adjusts the dirt with his foot and digs
his rear foot into the rubber. After one deep breath he quickly
throws another decisive fastball strike.

UMPIRE
Strike two!


EXT. BERKELEY HOME DUGOUT - CONTINUOUS

Donnie anxiously steps to the dugout fence. He’s watching the
scouts watch Noah.


EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Noah, slow motion, winding up and throwing a curve that looks
like it is coming in high, but it breaks right into the zone.
The batter doesn’t swing.

UMPIRE
Strike three!


EXT. BERKELEY HOME STANDS - CONTINUOUS

Donnie’s Dad is pacing and looks pissed off.

DONNIE'S DAD
(to coach)
Who is this kid? What’s going on?
Is he even in high school?
101.

A parent reads off of his cell phone.

PARENT IN STANDS
His name is Noah Rockford. He’s
from Texas. His father killed his
mother right in front of the kid
last year. Look.

The parent hands the phone to Donnie’s Dad.
Genres: ["Drama","Sports"]

Summary As Noah impresses on the mound, scouts take notice, but Donnie feels anxious. The revelation of Noah's tragic past and his father's murder of his mother casts a shadow over his future.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional depth
  • Compelling character development
  • High-stakes tension
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may feel slightly melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion, keeping the audience engaged with Noah's performance and the revelation of his past. The stakes are high, and the dialogue is impactful.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of Noah facing his past trauma while showcasing his talent in a high-pressure situation is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Noah's pitching performance draws attention from scouts and his past is revealed to the audience, adding depth to his character.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique twist with the revelation of the protagonist's traumatic past, adding depth and complexity to his character. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Noah, Laura, and the scouts, are well-developed and their reactions add layers to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Noah undergoes a significant emotional journey in the scene, facing his past trauma and showcasing his talent in a high-stakes situation.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to impress the scouts and showcase his talent as a baseball player. This reflects his desire for recognition, validation, and potentially a future career in baseball.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to pitch well and strike out batters, demonstrating his skill and potential to the scouts. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of performing under pressure and proving himself in a competitive environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Noah's past, his pitching performance, and the reactions of the scouts and other characters creates a high level of tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges both on and off the field that add complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Noah's performance could determine his future in baseball, while also revealing his tragic past to the scouts and audience.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by advancing Noah's character arc, setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelation of the protagonist's past trauma and the tension surrounding his performance on the field.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's past trauma and the impact it has on his present identity and performance. The revelation of his father's actions challenges the audience's perception of the protagonist and raises questions about redemption, forgiveness, and second chances.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact of Noah's struggle, his performance, and the revelation of his past is powerful and resonant.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotion of the scene, with impactful lines that reveal important information about the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high-stakes environment, well-developed characters, and suspenseful pacing that keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a sports drama genre, with a focus on building tension and suspense leading up to a climactic moment.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue as Noah impresses the scouts with his pitching skills.
  • The introduction of Anthony Brunetti as a skeptical scout adds depth to the scene and raises questions about Noah's past.
  • The interaction between Laura and the scouts provides important background information about Noah's relocation and the dress code at his new school.
  • The use of slow motion and detailed descriptions of Noah's pitches create a sense of anticipation and excitement.
  • The revelation about Noah's tragic past adds a layer of complexity to the scene and sets up potential conflicts for future developments.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for Noah to provide insight into his mindset during the game.
  • Explore the dynamics between Noah and the scouts further to highlight the impact of their observations on his performance.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Laura and the scouts to reveal more about Noah's character and background.
  • Include visual cues or actions that reflect Noah's internal struggles or determination on the pitcher's mound.
  • Continue to build suspense and intrigue by gradually revealing more about Noah's past and how it influences his present actions.



Scene 38 -  Seventh Inning Showdown
EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Noah twirls the baseball in his mitt that he holds to his
chest. He grips the ball, winds up and throws another hard
fastball, batter swings and misses.

Pedro throws the ball back to Noah

PEDRO
(to hitter)
That was filthy.

Noah briefly walks around the mound and stops, positioning his
foot on the rubber. Pedro calls for another fast ball, and Noah
delivers another blistering strike.

UMPIRE
Strike!

Pedro throws the ball back to Noah. Noah adjusts his foot on
the mound, sinks in and delivers a fast breaking ball. The
batter swings and misses. Pedro drops the third strike, but
quickly picks up the ball and tags the batter making the out.

Noah confidently walks off the mound back to the dugout. Isaac
pats him on the back as he runs by him.

Coach Miller and Father Ed high five Noah as he walks by.


EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - LATER

It’s the seventh inning and the game is tied 0-0. Donnie is on
the mound pitching. He faces the first batter, and he gets him
out with a pop fly to deep left field. The outfielder makes a
great running catch to get the out.


EXT. BATTER'S BOX - CONTINUOUS

Carter steps up to hit, and in comes the first pitch, hitting
him square in the lower back.
102.

KOLE
Don’t rub it!

Carter shakes off the pain and quickly takes first base. The
Crusader dugout cheers wildly.


EXT. STANDS - CONTINUOUS

Donnie’s Dad reacts

DONNIE’S DAD
(defensively)
That’s what you get for crowding
the plate.


EXT. AWAY DUGOUT - CONTINUOUS

Noah is sitting with Jeter, watching the beginning of Donnie’s
implosion on the mound. Noah walks over to Sam, who is about to
go in to hit.

NOAH
Sam, lay down a bunt, right down
the third base line.

SAM
I'll try.

Noah looks to Father Ed, who is standing on the third base
sideline. Noah makes the bunt sign to Father Ed. Father Ed nods
and makes the sign for Carter to see on first base. Carter
takes a nice lead off of the bag.
Genres: ["Drama","Sports"]

Summary Noah confidently walks off the mound after pitching two more strikes. Carter is hit by a pitch and takes first base. Donnie pitches and gets the first batter out, but then hits Carter with a pitch. Noah tells Sam to lay down a bunt.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Effective portrayal of teamwork and strategy
  • Emotional depth of the characters
Weaknesses
  • Limited focus on individual character development
  • Some dialogue may feel repetitive or cliched

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and excitement through the baseball game, showcasing Noah's talent and the team's determination. The emotional depth adds layers to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showcasing a crucial moment in a baseball game, with a focus on pitching strategy and teamwork, is well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around the baseball game and the characters' interactions during the game, providing a mix of action and emotional depth.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh perspective on a baseball game, emphasizing the internal and external goals of the protagonist and showcasing realistic sports dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show determination, teamwork, and emotional vulnerability, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Noah's confidence and determination as a pitcher are highlighted, showing his growth and development during the game.

Internal Goal: 8

Noah's internal goal is to maintain his confidence and performance on the mound, showcasing his skill and ability to handle pressure.

External Goal: 7

Noah's external goal is to pitch effectively and help his team win the game.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between the teams and the internal struggles of the characters create tension and drive the scene forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene adds tension and uncertainty to the protagonist's goals, creating obstacles that challenge his performance.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the game, combined with the personal struggles of the characters, create a sense of urgency and importance in the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by showcasing Noah's pitching skills, the team dynamics, and the emotional journey of the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected challenges and outcomes in the baseball game.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict is between Noah's desire to succeed and the pressure of the game, which challenges his beliefs in his own abilities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact of the characters' struggles and the high stakes of the game resonate with the audience, adding depth to the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is focused on the game strategy and interactions between the characters, effectively conveying the tension and emotions of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it builds tension, showcases strategic gameplay, and reveals character dynamics.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing action sequences with character interactions and strategic gameplay.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a sports drama, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a sports drama, with clear action sequences, dialogue, and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of tension and stakes leading up to the pivotal moment of Carter getting hit by a pitch. More build-up and anticipation could enhance the impact of this event.
  • The dialogue feels a bit generic and could be more specific to each character's personality and relationship dynamics. Adding more depth to the interactions could make the scene more engaging.
  • There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into Noah's mindset and emotions as he watches Donnie struggle on the mound. Adding internal monologue or visual cues to show Noah's reaction could add depth to the scene.
  • The transition between Noah confidently walking off the mound and the focus shifting to Carter getting hit by a pitch feels abrupt. Smooth transitions can help maintain the flow of the scene.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to create a vivid picture of the baseball field, the players, and the overall atmosphere. This would help immerse the reader in the setting.
Suggestions
  • Consider building up the tension and anticipation leading up to Carter getting hit by a pitch to make the moment more impactful.
  • Work on crafting more unique and character-specific dialogue to enhance the authenticity of the interactions.
  • Explore Noah's internal thoughts and emotions in response to Donnie's struggles on the mound to add depth to his character.
  • Smooth out the transition between different moments in the scene to maintain a cohesive narrative flow.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more immersive and engaging reading experience.



Scene 39 -  The Bottom of the Seventh
EXT. BATTER'S BOX - CONTINUOUS

Sam steps into the batters box. He gets ready.


EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Donnie looks at Carter, then throws the first pitch. It's a
slightly high 89 MPH fastball and Sam doesn’t swing.

UMPIRE
Ball!

A bead of sweat drips down Donnie’s forehead.
103.

EXT. BATTER'S BOX - CONTINUOUS

Sam steps back into the box. Donnie winds up and throws another
fastball, right down the middle. Sam slides his hand down the
bat and lays down a perfect bunt that hugs the third base line
and stays in fair territory.


EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS

Sam runs to first. Berkeley third baseman charges the bunt, as
well as Donnie. Donnie gets to the ball first and is about to
throw it to first for the out, but instead, zings it to second.

The ball sails over the second baseman’s head into centerfield.
The Berkeley center fielder makes the backup play and fires the
ball to third base, holding Carter and the run. Sam advances to
second.


EXT. AWAY DUGOUT - CONTINUOUS

The Crusader’s dugout is on its feet, cheering.


EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Donnie gets the ball back from the catcher. He paces the mound,
angry at himself for making the wrong play. Nick steps into the
batter’s box.


EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS

Donnie takes a deep breath, and throws the first pitch. It's an
87 MPH fastball. Nick takes a swing and just catches the tip of
the ball. The hit finds the hole and makes it to right field.
Carter runs home and easily scores, Sam advances to third. The
right fielder charges the ball and makes the out at first base
for two outs. But the damage is done. Score is now 1-0.


EXT. BATTER'S BOX - CONTINUOUS

Bennett steps into the batter’s box, hitting for Noah.


EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS

Donnie throws the first pitch. Bennet pops it up, with the
centerfielder easily making the third out. The Berkeley team
quickly clears the field.
104.

EXT. AWAY DUGOUT - CONTINUOUS

Noah grabs his mitt and heads out of the dugout. He walks past
Father Ed and Coach Miller.

NOAH
Let’s win this.

COACH MILLER
You’re at 86 pitches.

Noah nods confidently.


EXT. STANDS - CONTINUOUS

Anthony and all of the scouts are still watching the game. It
is the bottom of the seventh inning. Noah is pitching a no-
hitter.


EXT. BERKELEY HOME STANDS - CONTINUOUS

Donnie’s Dad nervously watches.


EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS

Noah is facing the top of their lineup. The first batter takes
a few swings in the batter’s box. The umpire positions himself
behind Pedro, signaling its time to play ball.

The batter steps into the box and gets ready.


EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Noah is hyper focused and stares down the batter. He takes a
deep breath, winds up and throws the first pitch.


EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS

Crack! The batter hits one high and far down the first base
line. Brody, in right field, gets a good jump on the ball. It
is barely hanging on to fair territory. Brody leaps for the
ball and makes an incredible catch for the first out.

Brody throws the ball to Nick at first, he fires it to Justin
at second, then Gavin at third. Gavin throws the ball back to
Noah on the mound.
105.
Genres: ["Sports","Drama"]

Summary In the bottom of the seventh, Sam gets on base and advances to second. Nick gets a hit, and Carter scores. Sam advances to third, and Noah comes in to pitch. Brody makes an incredible catch to end the inning.
Strengths
  • Intense sports action
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more impactful
  • Some predictable plot elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively combines intense sports action with emotional depth, creating a compelling narrative that keeps the audience engaged. The high-stakes situation and character development contribute to a strong overall impact.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a crucial baseball game with a no-hitter at stake is executed well, drawing the audience into the tension and drama of the moment. The scene effectively conveys the importance of the game for the characters involved.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around Noah's performance on the mound and the impact it has on the game and the scouts watching. The progression of the game, from strategic bunting to key plays in the field, keeps the story moving forward and builds anticipation.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on a familiar sports scenario, with unexpected twists and turns that keep the audience engaged. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and true to life, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Noah, are well-developed and show growth under pressure. The relationships between the teammates and the support from loved ones add depth to the scene and enhance the emotional impact.

Character Changes: 8

Noah undergoes significant character development in the scene, facing his past trauma and demonstrating growth under pressure. The support he receives from his team and loved ones also contributes to his character arc, making his journey compelling.

Internal Goal: 8

Sam's internal goal is to contribute to his team's success and prove himself as a valuable player. This reflects his desire for recognition, acceptance, and validation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to score runs and help his team win the game. This reflects the immediate challenge of facing a skilled opponent and overcoming obstacles to achieve victory.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Noah battles his past trauma and the pressure of the game. The competitive tension between the teams and the scouts' scrutiny also contribute to the overall conflict, raising the stakes.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing skilled opponents and challenging situations that test their abilities and determination. The audience is unsure of the outcome, adding suspense and tension to the scene.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the baseball game, with a no-hitter on the line and scouts watching, create intense pressure and suspense. The outcome of the game has significant implications for the characters, raising the stakes and adding urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by focusing on the crucial baseball game and Noah's performance on the mound. The outcome of the game and the scouts' reactions set the stage for future developments, creating anticipation and momentum.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected plays and outcomes that challenge the characters and keep the audience guessing. The twists and turns add excitement and tension to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the desire to win at all costs and the importance of sportsmanship and fair play. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the value of competition and the ethics of winning.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly through Noah's internal struggles and the support he receives from his teammates and loved ones. The high-stakes situation and personal growth add to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue serves the purpose of conveying crucial information about the game and the characters' emotions. While it effectively moves the scene forward, there is room for more impactful and memorable lines to enhance the overall dialogue.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, fast-paced action, and emotional intensity of the characters. The audience is invested in the outcome of the game and the success of the protagonist.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and momentum throughout the game. The rhythm of the action and dialogue keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a sports screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and flow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a sports drama, with clear transitions between different locations on the baseball field and a focus on the action and tension of the game.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and excitement as the game progresses, with strategic plays and a focus on Noah's pitching performance.
  • The use of specific baseball terminology and actions adds authenticity to the scene and enhances the reader's understanding of the game.
  • The interaction between the characters, such as Donnie's frustration and Noah's confidence, adds depth to the scene and creates a dynamic atmosphere.
  • The visual descriptions of the plays, such as Sam's bunt and Brody's catch, are vivid and engaging, drawing the reader into the action on the field.
  • The scene effectively sets up a climactic moment with Noah facing the top of the lineup and pitching a no-hitter, creating anticipation for the outcome.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal monologue or dialogue from Noah to provide insight into his mindset and emotions during the game.
  • Explore the relationship dynamics between Noah, Father Ed, and Coach Miller further to add depth to their interactions on the field.
  • Enhance the sensory details to immerse the reader in the sights, sounds, and emotions of the game, creating a more immersive reading experience.
  • Consider incorporating more strategic elements of baseball, such as pitch selection and field positioning, to showcase Noah's skills and decision-making abilities.
  • Continue to build suspense and tension leading up to the final moments of the game to keep the reader engaged and invested in the outcome.



Scene 40 -  Noah's Pitch
EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Noah pushes the dirt on the mound with his foot. He gathers
himself and waits for the next batter to enter the box.


EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS

The next batter steps into the box. He looks determined as he
takes a practice swing.


EXT. BERKELEY HOME DUGOUT - CONTINUOUS

The Berkeley dugout is loud and raucous. They are pumped to try
and win this game, vociferously cheering on the batter.


EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Noah gets set, takes a deep breath, and throws a breaking ball
right down the middle. The hitter gets a piece of it, smacking
a line drive right back to Noah.

The batter runs not even five steps down the baseline when
somehow Noah manages to get his glove up in time making a sick
backhanded catch to get the out.

The runner slowly runs through first base and defeated, heads
back to the dugout.

The final batter comes to the plate. Noah looks at the stands.


EXT. STANDS - CONTINUOUS

All of the scouts are still watching, behind the scouts in the
top row Noah sees his Mom and Dad. Noah freezes. The sound of a
dog barking is heard off screen.


EXT. AWAY DUGOUT - CONTINUOUS

Jeter has his paws up on the dugout fence. He is barking at
Noah, trying to bring him back to the game.


EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Noah snaps out of it and adjusts his hat on his head. He looks
down at the baseball in his hand, and grips the ball, preparing
to throw a four seam. He looks back to the stands.
106.

EXT. STANDS - CONTINUOUS

Anthony meets Noah’s stare, and realizes he is looking beyond
him. He turns to see, but nobody is there.

ANTHONY
What is he doing?


EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS

The batter is in the box, waiting for his pitch.

PEDRO
Time, time, time.

UMPIRE
Time!

The batter steps out of the box. Pedro runs to the mound to
talk to Noah. Noah relaxes as Pedro approaches. He puts his
mitt to his face to hide what he is saying from everyone else.

PEDRO
I’m kind of hungry. You think you
can strike this guy out so we can
go get pizza or something?

NOAH
I can do that.

PEDRO
Quit looking at your parents in
the stands and focus on the game.

NOAH
It’s that obvious?

PEDRO
Even the dog knows what’s going
on. You got this.

Pedro goes back to home plate. The batter steps into the box.
The umpire motions to play ball.

Noah glances at his parents in the stands. He shakes it off,
winds up and with everything he has, throws a blistering
strike. The batter swings and misses.
Genres: ["Sports","Drama"]

Summary Noah is preparing to pitch to the final batter, but is distracted by seeing his parents in the stands. His dog, Jeter, barks to bring him back to the game. Pedro tells Noah to focus on the game and not his parents. Noah strikes out the batter, ending the game.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Possible cliches in the internal struggle trope

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension, emotion, and character development, setting up a pivotal moment in the story with strong dialogue and impactful visuals.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a young pitcher facing personal demons while trying to impress scouts is compelling and well-executed, adding depth to the character and the overall narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as Noah faces a crucial moment in the game, setting up future conflicts and character growth. The scene is pivotal in the overall story arc.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar sports setting but adds depth through the exploration of internal and external conflicts faced by the protagonist. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Noah, are well-developed and show depth through their actions and dialogue. The emotional impact of the scene is largely driven by the characters' internal struggles.

Character Changes: 8

Noah undergoes a significant internal change as he confronts his past, gains focus, and resolves to succeed in the game, setting up potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Noah's internal goal in this scene is to overcome his distractions and focus on the game. This reflects his deeper need for validation and success in front of his parents and the scouts, as well as his fear of failure.

External Goal: 7

Noah's external goal is to strike out the batter and perform well in the game to impress the scouts and his parents.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The internal conflict within Noah, the pressure of impressing scouts, and the emotional weight of his past create a high level of conflict, driving the scene forward and engaging the audience.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to challenge the protagonist and create uncertainty about the outcome, adding to the dramatic tension.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of impressing scouts, overcoming personal demons, and winning the game add tension, drama, and urgency to the scene, raising the emotional impact and audience investment.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by setting up key conflicts, character arcs, and plot developments, leading to a pivotal moment in the narrative and engaging the audience in the unfolding drama.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected distractions and challenges for the protagonist, keeping the audience unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Noah's desire for personal validation and success, and the pressure to perform well for external validation from others. This challenges his beliefs about self-worth and the importance of external recognition.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through Noah's internal struggle, the presence of his deceased parents, and the high stakes of the game, creating a powerful and memorable moment.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, motivations, and conflicts, adding depth to the scene and driving the narrative forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it builds suspense and emotional stakes through the protagonist's internal and external struggles, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a satisfying resolution in the climax.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a sports drama genre, with clear transitions between different locations and a focus on building tension towards the climax.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition between the previous scene and the current one, making it feel disjointed.
  • The visual cues of Noah seeing his parents in the stands and being distracted by them are a bit cliche and could be more subtly portrayed.
  • The dialogue between Pedro and Noah feels a bit forced and could be more natural.
  • The interaction between Noah and Pedro could be more impactful in conveying the message of focusing on the game rather than being distracted.
  • The scene could benefit from more internal monologue from Noah to give insight into his emotions and struggles.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition from the previous scene to this one to improve the flow.
  • Find a more unique and subtle way to show Noah's distraction by his parents in the stands.
  • Revise the dialogue between Pedro and Noah to make it more authentic and impactful.
  • Enhance the interaction between Noah and Pedro to effectively convey the message of focusing on the game.
  • Include more internal monologue from Noah to provide deeper insight into his emotions and struggles.



Scene 41 -  Noah's Triumph and the Yankees' Offer
EXT. STANDS - CONTINUOUS

The radar gun blares 98 MPH.
107.

EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Pedro throws the ball back to Noah. Noah quickly adjusts the
ball in his mitt. Without hesitation, he fires off another
nasty strike. This one breaks into the dirt, with the batter
swinging and missing.

UMPIRE
Strike Two!


EXT. AWAY DUGOUT - CONTINUOUS

Jeter barks, as if cheering for Noah. Coach Miller and Father
Ed are on their feet. Laura and Blake lean on the fence,
anxiously watching.


EXT. PITCHER'S MOUND - CONTINUOUS

Noah brushes the dirt on the mound with his foot, getting it
just the way he likes it. He presses his foot against the
rubber, takes a deep breath and winds up, in slow motion. The
ball releases from his hand and moves its way down the mound,
whizzing across the plate. The batter swings in slow motion,
and the ball moves at the last moment, just missing the bat.

UMPIRE
Strike three!


EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS

The field erupts. The players charge Noah on the mound. Jeter
runs onto the field. It’s an insane celebration for a pre-
season game. Father Ed and Coach Miller get caught up in the
celebration. The moment is much bigger than the game. It is a
victory for Noah.

COACH MILLER
OK, ok, everyone line up.

The Berkeley team lines up on the first base side. The
Crusaders line up on the third base side. Both teams do the
usual walk past each other, saying good game.

The players walk off the field, back to their respective
dugouts. Noah takes a quick glance at the stands, but his
parents are gone.
108.

EXT. BUS PARKING LOT - LATER

The team loads their baseball bags under the bus. Parents are
in the parking lot congratulating the boys. Blake gives Noah a
big hug as Laura looks on.

LAURA
You were so good. Damn!

NOAH
It felt good.

Anthony approaches Noah. He extends his hand.

ANTHONY
Hi Noah. Anthony Brunetti with the
Yankees.

NOAH
I remember you.

Anthony hands him a card.

ANTHONY
The Yankees are very interested in
talking to you about the draft. We
can come to you, or fly you to New
York, whatever works best.

Laura hands Anthony a card.

LAURA
Here’s my card. Why don’t you call
my office tomorrow and we can
talk.

Noah is getting slapped on the back every time someone walks
past him to get on the bus. He has a huge smile on his face and
just wants to go with his team.

NOAH
Sir, I appreciate the interest,
but I think I’m just going to
enjoy my high school season, and
then I’m heading to college to
play.

ANTHONY
The Yankees are prepared to offer
you a significant signing bonus.

NOAH
Like the 5 million you're offering
Donnie Stevens?
109.

ANTHONY
Well, that’s just a rumor, but
something like that.

LAURA
This isn’t the right time to have
this discussion. Let's save it for
tomorrow. Enjoy your bus ride home
with the team.

NOAH
I don’t need to save it.
I’m going to college.
(to Laura)
I really like Clemson. It’s close
to you in Charleston. It’s what my
Mom would have wanted. But most
importantly, it’s what I want. I’m
not ready for the big leagues.

LAURA
Are you sure?

NOAH
Yes, I’m sure. Will the Yankees
wait a few years?

ANTHONY
I guess we’ll have to. If you
change your mind, you know how to
reach me. Good luck kid.

Anthony just shrugs his shoulders. Laura is dumfounded but ok
with it.

LAURA
You just turned down a ton of
money, you realize that.

NOAH
I guess I'll have to be your
problem for a little while longer.

LAURA
That sounds great to me. See you
at home.

Noah hugs Laura. Blake is beaming with pride.

NOAH
Thanks for being here.

They hug.
110.

BLAKE
I wouldn't miss it. You were so
good.

NOAH
See you this weekend?

BLAKE
I can’t. I’m heading to New York
for Under Armour tryouts. I’ll be
back Sunday.

NOAH
That’s awesome! You’re gonna crush
it. See you Sunday.
Genres: ["Sports","Drama"]

Summary In a thrilling baseball game, Noah strikes out the opposing batter, leading his Berkeley team to victory. Despite an impressive offer from a Yankees scout, Noah decides to prioritize his high school career and education over immediate professional success.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Compelling themes
Weaknesses
  • Limited exploration of secondary characters
  • Slight predictability in Noah's decision

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively combines emotional depth, character growth, and high stakes to create a compelling and impactful narrative moment.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a talented young athlete choosing personal fulfillment over immediate success is a powerful and relatable theme that resonates with audiences.

Plot: 8

The plot effectively builds tension and conflict through Noah's decision-making process, leading to a satisfying resolution on the baseball field.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the familiar sports drama genre by focusing on the personal growth and moral dilemmas of the protagonist. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Noah, Laura, and Blake, are well-developed and undergo significant growth and emotional arcs throughout the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Noah undergoes a significant change in mindset and priorities, showcasing his growth and maturity as a character.

Internal Goal: 9

Noah's internal goal in this scene is to stay true to himself and his values, despite the tempting offer from the Yankees. It reflects his desire to honor his mother's memory and prioritize his own personal growth and development.

External Goal: 8

Noah's external goal is to make a decision about his future in baseball, whether to pursue a professional career with the Yankees or continue with his college plans. It reflects the immediate challenge of balancing his personal desires with external pressures and expectations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The internal conflict within Noah regarding his future and the external pressure from the scouts provide a compelling conflict that drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Noah facing conflicting desires and external pressures. The audience is left wondering how he will resolve the dilemma and what consequences his decision will have.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of Noah's decision regarding his baseball career and future opportunities add tension and significance to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by resolving Noah's internal conflict and setting the stage for his future development as a player and individual.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected decision made by the protagonist, defying traditional sports drama tropes. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between following one's dreams and staying true to oneself, versus succumbing to external pressures and expectations. It challenges Noah's beliefs about success, fulfillment, and personal growth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through Noah's internal struggle, his decision to stay true to himself, and the supportive relationships with Laura and Blake.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is authentic and serves to deepen character relationships and reveal inner thoughts and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional conflicts, and character development. The tension and excitement of the baseball game, combined with Noah's decision-making process, keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and emotional beats. It builds tension effectively and keeps the audience engaged throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue. It is well-organized and easy to follow.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a sports drama genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and excitement as Noah pitches the final strike to win the game, but there are some areas that could be improved for better impact and clarity.
  • The dialogue between Noah, Laura, and Anthony feels a bit rushed and could benefit from more natural flow and depth to convey the emotions and stakes involved.
  • The decision-making process for Noah to decline the Yankees' offer could be further explored to provide more insight into his character and motivations.
  • The interaction between Noah, Laura, and Blake could be more nuanced to show the relationships and dynamics between the characters in a more authentic way.
  • The transition from the game-winning pitch to the conversation with Anthony and Laura could be smoother to maintain the momentum and emotional intensity of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding internal monologue or reactions from Noah to show his internal conflict and decision-making process more clearly.
  • Expand on the dialogue between Noah, Laura, and Anthony to delve deeper into the implications of Noah's choice and the impact on his future.
  • Introduce subtle gestures or actions to convey the emotions and tensions between the characters, enhancing the overall depth of the scene.
  • Work on the pacing and structure of the scene to ensure a seamless transition between the game-winning moment and the subsequent conversation, maintaining the audience's engagement.
  • Consider incorporating visual cues or descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and emotional resonance of the scene, adding layers to the characters' interactions.



Scene 42 -  Triumphant Return
INT. TEAM BUS - CONTINUOUS

Noah and Jeter walk down the bus aisle to a huge celebration.
Everyone is cheering and so excited. Coach Miller and Father Ed
get on last. Father Ed sits in the driver’s seat.

TEAM
Rockpaw! Rockpaw! Rockpaw!

His teammates high-five Noah as he walks to his seat. The
celebration and excitement is overwhelming. Noah's eyes are
filled with tears of joy.

FATHER ED
(closing the bus door)
Grab your seats, boys!

Laura and Blake watch as the bus pulls out of the parking lot
and drives away.

FADE OUT
Genres: ["Drama","Sports"]

Summary Noah and Jeter are greeted with a grand celebration for winning the game. As the team cheers and high-fives them, Father Ed drives the bus away with Coach Miller. Noah's eyes glimmer with joyous tears.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Engaging plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Some predictable elements
  • Limited exploration of secondary characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally impactful, well-paced, and effectively conveys the themes of the story. It successfully resolves previous conflicts and sets up new challenges for the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of redemption, self-discovery, and overcoming adversity is well-executed in this scene. It emphasizes the growth and development of the characters.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging, with a clear progression towards Noah's success in the baseball game. It effectively resolves previous storylines and sets up new conflicts for future development.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh perspective on team dynamics and the emotional impact of victory, with authentic character interactions and genuine moments of celebration.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Noah's emotional journey at the center of the scene. The supporting characters provide depth and contribute to the overall narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Noah undergoes significant emotional growth and transformation in this scene, from self-doubt to confidence. The supporting characters also show development in their relationships with Noah.

Internal Goal: 9

Noah's internal goal in this scene is to feel a sense of belonging and validation from his teammates. This reflects his deeper need for acceptance and recognition.

External Goal: 8

Noah's external goal in this scene is to celebrate the team's victory and enjoy the moment. This reflects the immediate circumstances of their success and the challenges they've overcome.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there are moments of conflict, the overall tone of the scene is positive and hopeful. The conflicts serve to highlight the characters' growth and determination.

Opposition: 5

The opposition in the scene is minimal, as the focus is on celebration and unity rather than conflict or obstacles.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Noah as he faces a crucial baseball game and the opportunity to showcase his talent to scouts. The outcome of the game has significant implications for his future.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by resolving previous conflicts and setting up new challenges for the characters. It sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is predictable in its outcome of celebration and unity, but the emotional depth and character interactions add layers of complexity and interest.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between individual achievement and collective success. Noah's personal emotions and the team's shared celebration highlight this conflict.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly during Noah's triumphant moment on the baseball field. It resonates with themes of overcoming personal struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and serves the purpose of advancing the plot and revealing character emotions. It effectively conveys the relationships between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it captures the audience's attention with its emotional intensity and relatable themes of teamwork and celebration.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotion, leading to a satisfying resolution and sense of closure.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions that enhance readability and visual clarity.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution that effectively convey the characters' emotions and motivations.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or climax after the intense build-up of the baseball game. It abruptly transitions to a celebratory moment on the team bus without providing closure or a sense of finality.
  • The emotional impact of Noah's victory and the team's celebration could be enhanced by delving deeper into Noah's internal thoughts and feelings. This would allow the audience to connect more with his character and the significance of his achievement.
  • The dialogue is limited in this scene, missing an opportunity to showcase the camaraderie and bond between Noah and his teammates. Adding more dialogue could bring out the team's dynamic and further highlight their support for Noah.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to paint a vivid picture of the celebratory atmosphere on the bus. Describing the expressions, gestures, and interactions of the characters would help bring the scene to life and engage the reader.
  • The transition from the intense game on the field to the celebratory bus ride feels somewhat abrupt and could be smoothed out by incorporating a moment of reflection or realization from Noah about his journey and growth as a player.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue from Noah as he reflects on his victory and the support of his teammates. This would provide a more satisfying conclusion to the scene.
  • Expand on the dialogue between Noah and his teammates to showcase their camaraderie and the sense of unity within the team.
  • Include more sensory details to immerse the reader in the celebratory atmosphere on the bus. Describe the sights, sounds, and emotions of the moment to create a more vivid and engaging scene.
  • Smooth out the transition between the intense game and the celebratory bus ride by incorporating a moment of closure or reflection for Noah. This will help tie the scene together and provide a more cohesive narrative flow.
  • Consider adding a final visual image or action that encapsulates the emotional journey of the scene, such as Noah wiping away tears of joy or sharing a meaningful glance with his teammates.