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Scene 1 -  Echoes of the Past
1 EXT. WOODS - GRAVE SITE - NIGHT 1

The digging sounds grow louder over a beautiful starlit sky
that gives way to the camera weaving slowly through the dark, *
dense trees, stumps, and overgrown bushes. Ahead through the
brush and trees, we see the glow of dimly lit light, and - *

REPORTER (V.O.) *
Our lead story tonight. College *
student Cynthia Michelle Mears is
still missing...

The bloodied fingers of a lifeless hand extending from under *
a dark tarp. *

REPORTER (V.O.)
Ms. Mears, a student at Evan Mill’s *
Hapewell College in upstate New *
York was last seen departing the *
campus over 15 days ago and later *
reported missing after failing to *
show up for classes and work...

The digging stops, the shovel rattles to the ground. A pair
of 80’s era, black military-style combat boots appear as a *
gloved hand shoves the lifeless hand back inside the tarp. *

REPORTER (V.O.)
Cynthia, a senior and ROTC student *
is expected to graduate this
summer.

2 EXT. WOODS - GRAVE SITE - NIGHT 2 *

The tarp slides to a thud at the bottom of the hole, and the *
lifeless face of a twenty-something Caucasian female appears
through the poorly stitched opening. The digging starts *
again, but this time we see dirt landing across the tarp and
the young girl’s ghostly face. *
2.


REPORTER (V.O.)
If anyone has any information at
all regarding Cynthia Mears
disappearance or whereabouts we
urge you to immediately contact
your local police department... *

FADE TO BLACK: *

The shovel’s heavy thuds slowly give way to the thuds of *
heavy footfalls and the loud chanting of a military cadence. *

SOLDIERS SINGING CADENCE (PRE-LAP) *
Old King Cole was a merry old soul
and a merry old soul was he. He
called for his pipe and called for
his bowl and he called for his
privates, three...


EXT. GREG’S HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY *

ANGIE THOMPSON (26) medium height, beautiful, fit her long *
black hair pulled back into a bun is dressed in shorts and a *
sleeveless tee-shirt. She’s busy working in a flower bed, *
while three-year-old BRANDON THOMPSON gleefully pumps his *
tiny little legs on the swing set behind her. *

Angie glances over her shoulder. She smiles at Brandon’s *
little legs pumping away. She stands and removes her gloves *
as she walks over and gently pushes the swing. *


3 EXT. FORT BENNING - DAY 3 *

SUPER: TEN YEARS LATER

A formation of Army soldiers jogs past a sign that reads, *
Fort Benning Airborne School. Three gigantic red and white *
airborne towers loom high in the background. *

SOLDIERS SINGING CADENCE
Beer, Beer, Beer said the privates
Merry men are we, but none so fair
that they can compare to the
airborne infantry!

4 EXT. FORT BENNING - HEAD QUARTERS BUILDING - DAY 4 *

The bing and thump of an elevator. *
3.


DARIEN (PRE-LAP) *
Greg, listen to me. Forget work and
why don’t you, Angie, and the mini- *
Ranger come do the food truck event *
with us this weekend? *

INT. HEAD QUARTERS BUILDING - ELEVATOR - DAY *

The elevator door opens and Captain GREG THOMPSON (28), *
average height, fit, military hair cut, and Captain DARIAN
BOYD, both dressed in Army ACU uniforms exit amongst a sea of *
uniformed soldiers and civilians.

GREG
Would love to, but I need to get
spun up on General Hawthorne’s new *
command. *

Greg holds up a large file. *

GREG *
I need next week’s interview to be *
easy, breezy. *

DARIEN *
No, what you need to do is spend *
more quality time with your family, *
because if you keep taking work *
home on the weekends, you’re going *
to wake up one morning and fine *
yourself alone... for good. *

Greg chuckles.

GREG
Don’t worry about me and Angie,
Darien. Ours is a love forged in *
combat, remember? What could *
possibly tear such a union like *
that apart? *

Darien shakes his head. *

DARIEN *
Human nature is a formidable foe *
with unpredictable and *
uncontrollable urges my friend. *

Darien walks away. *

DARIEN *
And, it should never be *
unappreciated or underestimated. *
4.


Greg stares a moment, turns, and walks down the hallway. *
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary The scene begins in a dark forest where the lifeless body of college student Cynthia Mears is discovered, prompting a reporter's voiceover about her disappearance. The atmosphere shifts to a sunny backyard where Angie Thompson tends to her garden with her son, Brandon, showcasing a nurturing family moment. The narrative then jumps ten years ahead to Fort Benning, where Captain Greg Thompson discusses work with his friend Captain Darien Boyd, who advises him to focus on his family amidst the pressures of military life. The scene juxtaposes the haunting mystery of Cynthia's fate with the challenges of balancing duty and family.
Strengths
  • Effective setup of mystery and suspense
  • Compelling atmosphere and tone
  • Intriguing concept blending mystery and military themes
Weaknesses
  • Character depth and development could be further explored
  • Dialogue could be more nuanced and impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up a compelling mystery and establishes a tense atmosphere. The contrast between the family scene and the grave site adds depth to the storytelling.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a missing person case intertwined with military themes is intriguing and sets up a strong foundation for the story.

Plot: 8

The plot introduces multiple layers of intrigue and conflict, setting up a complex narrative that keeps the audience engaged.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique blend of military and personal themes, combining suspense with emotional depth. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are introduced with enough depth to pique interest, but further development is needed to fully engage the audience.

Character Changes: 6

While there are hints of potential character growth, more explicit changes and development are needed to drive the narrative forward.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to balance his military duties with his personal life, specifically his relationship with his family. This reflects his deeper need for connection and stability amidst the chaos of his job.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to prepare for an upcoming interview and navigate the challenges of his military career. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing in his professional life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene presents both internal and external conflicts, adding layers of tension and intrigue.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting priorities and challenges facing the protagonist. The uncertainty of his choices and the consequences of his actions create tension.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of a missing person case and the military background add urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing key plot points and setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the protagonist's personal life and the mystery surrounding the grave site. The dialogue and character interactions add layers of complexity.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's struggle to balance his personal life with his military duties. This challenges his beliefs about duty, sacrifice, and love.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from suspense to sadness, but could further enhance the emotional impact with deeper character development.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys information and sets the tone for the scene, but could benefit from more depth and nuance.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of suspense, emotion, and character dynamics. The mystery surrounding the grave site and the protagonist's personal struggles keep the audience invested.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing suspenseful moments with emotional beats. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character introductions. The use of visual cues and transitions adds to the scene's impact.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure, transitioning smoothly between different locations and characters. The pacing and formatting enhance the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The opening scene effectively establishes a dark and suspenseful tone, immediately drawing the audience into the mystery surrounding Cynthia Mears' disappearance. The juxtaposition of the serene starlit sky with the grim act of digging creates a compelling visual contrast that heightens the tension.
  • The use of voiceover from the reporter is a strong narrative device that provides essential backstory without overwhelming the visual elements. However, the transition from the grave site to the backyard feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the flow of the scene.
  • The imagery of Cynthia's lifeless hand and ghostly face is haunting and impactful, but it may benefit from a bit more context or emotional weight. The audience might connect more deeply with the tragedy if they had a brief glimpse of Cynthia's life before her disappearance, perhaps through a flashback or a photo montage.
  • The dialogue between Greg and Darien in the later part of the scene introduces important character dynamics and foreshadows future conflicts. However, the dialogue could be tightened to feel more natural and less expository. Some lines come off as overly on-the-nose, particularly Darien's warnings about family.
  • The scene's pacing is generally effective, but the transition from the grave site to the backyard could be more gradual. The sudden shift in tone from horror to domesticity might disorient the audience. Consider adding a brief moment of silence or a lingering shot on the grave site before cutting to the backyard.
Suggestions
  • Consider incorporating a brief flashback or visual cue that hints at Cynthia's life before her disappearance, which could create a stronger emotional connection for the audience.
  • Enhance the transition between the grave site and the backyard by adding a moment of reflection or a lingering shot that emphasizes the contrast between the two settings.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it feel more organic and less expository. Focus on showing character relationships through actions and subtext rather than direct statements.
  • Explore the use of sound design to amplify the tension in the grave site scene. The sounds of digging could be layered with unsettling ambient noises to create a more immersive experience.
  • Consider adding a visual motif or recurring element that ties the grave site and the backyard together, reinforcing the theme of loss and the impact of tragedy on family life.



Scene 2 -  Tensions in the Neighborhood
INT. GREG’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY *

Greg enters a small kitchen with plenty of warmth and charm,
just as Brandon speeds into the room and leaps into his *
waiting arms. *

BRANDON
Daddy!

GREG
There’s my little Airborne Ranger.

Right behind Brandon is Angie. She gives Greg a sweet kiss. *

ANGIE
Well, your little Airborne Ranger *
has been quite the handful today.

GREG
Ah, come on, look at that cute
little face,
(off Brandon’s smile)
He can’t be that bad.

Angie smiles as she gathers a bucket of gardening tools. *

ANGIE *
I could use some help finishing up *
the flower bed. *

GREG *
You got it. *


6 EXT. GREG’S HOUSE - BACK YARD - DAY 6

Angie works in a flower bed while Greg gently pushes Brandon *
on a swing set. *

ANGIE *
This is not what I had in mind when *
I said I needed help. *

Greg shrugs. He points to Brandon, both big smiles. Rusty, a *
super hyperactive, Jack Russell Terrier barks and bounces
spastically around them, when -

A familiar voice rings out.

ALEX (O.C.)
How goes it, guys?
5.


Greg glances over to ALEX MORGAN (50), medium height, wide, *
strong frame leaning against the fence. Standing beside Alex
is DOUG (26), a dark, stone-face, six feet, a strong *
intimating frame, and - *

LISA (25) petite, frail. Time has been unfriendly to her. *
She’s flanked on either side by two scruffy, uncombed little
boys ages 10 and 8.

Greg picks up Brandon and walks over to greet Alex. Doug *
glares distastefully at Angie as she walks to the fence. Lisa *
spots Doug’s lustful glare. Her lips tighten, her brow furls. *

ALEX
Good to see you home, Greg.

They share a hand shake.

GREG
Yeah, but unfortunately, it’s short- *
lived. I’m on the zero dark thirty
Sunday morning for D.C.

ALEX
What’s going on in, D.C.? *

GREG
General Hawthorne just got his new *
command and he’s putting his
command staff together.

ALEX
Aren’t you too young to be stuck in *
a staff job, son? Plus, you’d have *
to move and I just started to like
your sorry ass.

He cuts Angie a glance, smiles. *

ALEX
Her, I’ve always liked, but you...

They share a laugh.

ANGIE
Alex please talk some sense into
him.

Greg gives Angie an uncomfortable glance... she backs off. He
quickly changes the subject, turns to Doug and Lisa.
6.


GREG
Hello, I’m Greg (pointing), this is
my wife Angie and this little guy
is our son, Brandon.

ALEX
I’m sorry, please forgive me. This
is my nephew, Doug. That’s his wife
Lisa and their two boys.

Angie nervously avoids eye contact with Doug. She turns to
Lisa and the two young boys.

ANGIE
Hi, nice to-

Lisa eyes slice through Angie like razor blades, she turns to
Doug.

LISA
You gotta fuck-n problem wit yo
eyes?

ALEX
Hey! Language, (pointing) kids.

DOUG
You full of shit, why you always
accusing me of-

ALEX
Okay, that’s enough! Doug, take
Lisa and the kids back to the
house!

Lisa brushes past Doug, speeds off. Doug and the kids follow.

ALEX
I’m sorry. Boy use to be a good *
kid. Got that one pregnant. Been
downhill ever since. Drugs, jail,
you name it. My sister got tired of
the crack-heads and cops knocking
on her door-

GREG
So they’re here to stay with you
and Mary?

ALEX
Oh hell no! They’re headed out of
here in a couple of days.
7.


I don’t have a clue where they’re
going and I don’t care. I just want
them gone A-S-A-P.

Angie watches with unusual concern as they walk away, arguing
out of earshot.
Genres: ["Drama","Family","Mystery"]

Summary In a warm and inviting kitchen, Greg enjoys a playful moment with his son Brandon, while his wife Angie expresses concern about their energetic child. The atmosphere shifts when Alex and his family visit, bringing along Doug and Lisa, whose troubled past creates tension. Doug's hostile glare at Angie and Lisa's aggressive confrontation escalate the situation, prompting Alex to intervene. The scene ends with Doug and Lisa leaving, leaving Greg and Angie unsettled about their neighbors.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Complex character relationships
  • Tense atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched character dynamics
  • Slightly predictable conflicts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes tension and conflict within the family dynamic while also hinting at underlying mysteries. The dialogue and character interactions are engaging and keep the audience invested.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of family tensions, military duty, and hidden family secrets is well-executed in this scene. It sets up intriguing conflicts and relationships that will likely unfold throughout the story.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses by introducing family dynamics, military obligations, and hints of past secrets. It sets the stage for potential conflicts and reveals the complexities of the characters' relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces complex family dynamics and societal issues in a fresh and engaging way, with authentic character actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their interactions reveal layers of complexity and tension. Each character has distinct personality traits that drive their actions and dialogue.

Character Changes: 7

The scene hints at potential character growth and changes, especially in the relationships between Angie and Lisa, and Greg's internal conflict about his military duty.

Internal Goal: 8

Greg's internal goal in this scene is to balance his family life with his military responsibilities. He wants to connect with his son and wife while also preparing for his upcoming deployment.

External Goal: 7

Greg's external goal is to help Angie finish the flower bed and spend quality time with his family before his deployment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between characters, especially between Angie and Lisa, adds intensity and drama to the scene. The underlying tensions and confrontations raise the stakes for the characters.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts arising from personal and societal expectations, adding depth to the character interactions.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are established through the tense family dynamics, military obligations, and hints of past secrets. The conflicts and confrontations raise the stakes for the characters and set the stage for potential consequences.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key conflicts, relationships, and themes that will likely impact the narrative progression. It sets up future developments and reveals important character dynamics.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected interactions and conflicts between the characters, keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around family dynamics, societal expectations, and personal responsibility. Greg's military duty clashes with his desire to be present for his family.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from concern to hostility, creating a strong emotional impact on the audience. The characters' interactions and conflicts resonate emotionally.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals the characters' emotions, motivations, and conflicts. It effectively conveys the tension and dynamics within the family.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of humor, drama, and tension, as well as the complex character dynamics and conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotion, with a natural flow of dialogue and action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is well-formatted and easy to follow, adhering to the expected format for a screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural progression of events and character interactions, fitting the expected structure for a family drama genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a warm domestic atmosphere, contrasting with the darker themes introduced in the previous scene. However, the transition from the grave site to the kitchen feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the flow of the narrative.
  • The dialogue between Greg and Angie is light-hearted and showcases their family dynamic, but it risks feeling overly expository. The mention of Greg's upcoming deployment could be woven into the conversation more naturally to avoid feeling forced.
  • The introduction of Alex and his family adds tension, but the conflict feels somewhat rushed. The abrupt shift from friendly banter to Lisa's aggressive confrontation with Angie lacks buildup. More subtle hints of tension leading up to this moment could create a more impactful conflict.
  • Doug's glare at Angie is a strong visual cue, but it could benefit from more context. Providing a brief backstory or hinting at Doug's troubled past earlier in the scene could deepen the audience's understanding of his character and motivations.
  • The scene ends on a note of tension with Alex's explanation of Doug's troubled background, but it feels somewhat disconnected from the earlier warmth. A stronger emotional connection between the family dynamics and the emerging conflict would enhance the stakes.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection for Greg after the warm family interaction, allowing him to acknowledge the weight of his upcoming deployment before the tension escalates.
  • Integrate the exposition about Greg's deployment into the dialogue more organically, perhaps through a playful exchange with Brandon or Angie that hints at the challenges ahead.
  • Build up the tension with Doug and Lisa by including subtle cues earlier in the scene, such as Doug's body language or Lisa's dismissive comments, to foreshadow the confrontation.
  • Provide a brief backstory for Doug through dialogue or visual cues that hint at his troubled past, making his glare at Angie more impactful and understandable.
  • End the scene with a stronger emotional connection, perhaps by having Greg express concern for his family's safety or hinting at the challenges they may face with Doug and Lisa's arrival, setting the stage for future conflict.



Scene 3 -  A Fragile Balance
7 INT. GREG’S HOUSE - BRANDON’S BEDROOM - NIGHT 7 *

The room is small, simple... lit only by a tiny bedside lamp
with colorful animal figures adorning its shade and base.
Brandon, fast asleep, clutches a small, red stuffed animal -
it’s lower half is unevenly white.

Greg leans over, pulls the cartoon decorated covers to *
Brandon’s shoulders and gives him a soft, fatherly kiss. *
Rusty leaps on the bed and cuddles up next to Brandon. Greg
gives Rusty a gentle head rub.

ANGIE (PRE-LAP) *
Are you sure this is the best move *
for us right now? Things are really *
going well here. *


8 INT. GREG’S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT 8 *

Greg, in pajamas, sits on the bed, covered with files and
documents. His fingers rapidly tap on his laptop. Angie is in
the bathroom.

ANGIE (V.O.) *
We have the house, I have a good *
job and Brandon’s in a really great *
daycare.

GREG
We’ve gone over this a thousand
times, Angie. This job will
guarantee my promotion to Major,
and to Lieutenant Colonel. It’s
going to look good in my records
for years to come.

Angie leans outside the bathroom door.

ANGIE
I know, but-
8.


GREG
You’ll find a new job, sweetheart *
and we’ll find Brandon a new
daycare. Trust me. It will all work *
out. I promise. *

Angie forces a smile and leans back into -

9 INT. GREG’S HOUSE - BATHROOM - NIGHT 9 *

The bathroom. Her reflection in the mirror reveals her
anguish from the finality of Greg’s response. *


10 EXT. NATIONAL AIRPORT - DAY 10 *

A plane lands and speeds down the runway.

11 EXT. THE PENTAGON - DAY 11 *

Greg, wearing his dress blue uniform walks through the *
crowded parking lot towards the Pentagon.

12 INT. GREG’S HOUSE - GARAGE - ANGIE’S MINIVAN - DAY 12 *

Angie, dressed in nursing scrubs, glances into the rearview
mirror at Brandon, seated in his car seat clutching the same
red and white stuffed animal from the night before. *

She smiles, glances down, and buckles her seat belt. She *
fails to see the waistline of someone in her side-view mirror
approaching the vehicle.

13 EXT. WOODED AREA - DAY 13 *

Two mountain bikers watch fearfully as a patrol car slows to
a stop on a narrow, muddy road.

14 INT. HOTEL - LOBBY - DAY 14 *

Greg walks into the hotel’s lobby. His cell phone buzzes. He
answers.

GREG
Hello.

His steps slow, his face falls flush. *
9.

15 EXT. WOODED AREA - DAY 15 *

The day is coming to an end. Bristling treetops slowly give *
way to flashing red and blue lights from a sea of emergency
vehicles surrounding a taped-off crime scene.

Detective DARAN HOWARD, (45), tall, well-dressed, cigar
hanging from his lips, stands near the coroner's vehicle. His
eyes slowly search the surrounding area with keen intensity
when a ruckus breaks out behind him.

He rubbernecks, cuts a quick glance at two uniformed Officers *
restraining a tense, frenzied, and distraught Greg.

GREG
Where is she?! Where’s my wife?! My
son?! Where’s my son! Where’s my *
family! *

Detective Howard shakes his head, takes a long drag on his
cigar, and allows the smoke to flow evenly over his face. *

DETECTIVE HOWARD
I hate this fucking job.

He turns and meanders to the chaos.

DETECTIVE HOWARD
Captain Thompson, my name is
Detective Daran Howard.

GREG
Where’s my wife?! My son?! Where
are they?!

Detective Howard cuts a disheartened glance over his shoulder
to a cluster of Officers and Detectives. Greg follows his *
glance, his eyes wander to a crime scene photographer
snapping pictures, and -

Angie, face down, her half-nude body partially covered with *
branches and brush. Her head, twisted to the side, exposes
her swollen, lifeless face. He freezes.

GREG
No... please, no.

Tears well in his eyes.

GREG
Nooooo! Angie! God no! Please, no! *
Angie! Angie!
10.


The flashes of the photographer’s camera explode like loud *
clashes of thunder. Greg tries to run to her, but the *
Officers restrain him. He struggles mightily to break free, *
weeping uncontrollably, as -

The camera’s flashes grow louder and louder, slowly drowning
out his woeful pleas.

GREG
No!... please God, No! Angie! *

He slides downwards, wailing dreadfully. His weight supported
by the two Officers holding him. Detective Howard watches, *
quietly, helplessly, before forcing himself to look away as
we float upwards and overhead revealing the busy crime scene
below.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary In a poignant scene, Greg tenderly tucks in his son Brandon while discussing a job opportunity with his wife Angie, who fears the upheaval it may bring to their stable life. As tensions rise between ambition and family stability, the scene shifts to a crime scene where Greg, frantic and desperate, discovers Angie's lifeless body, leading to a devastating moment of grief as he confronts the tragic reality of his loss.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Compelling mystery
Weaknesses
  • Potentially triggering content
  • Intense emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally charged, gripping, and sets up a compelling mystery that keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a family tragedy and the subsequent investigation is well-executed, drawing the audience into the story.

Plot: 9

The plot is intense, with a strong focus on the unfolding tragedy and the emotional impact it has on the characters.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar theme of loss and tragedy but approaches it with a fresh perspective through the protagonist's internal and external conflicts. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a layer of originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions feel authentic, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional changes due to the tragic events unfolding.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect his family and maintain a sense of control in the face of uncertainty and tragedy. This reflects his deeper need for security and stability, as well as his fear of losing his loved ones.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find his missing wife and son, reflecting the immediate challenge of dealing with a potential crime and loss. This goal drives the action and emotional intensity of the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high, with the characters facing a devastating loss and the mystery surrounding it.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing overwhelming challenges and obstacles that test his resolve and character. The uncertainty and danger of the situation create a sense of suspense and urgency for the audience.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high as the characters face the loss of loved ones and the mystery surrounding their disappearance.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information and setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden and shocking turn of events, as well as the emotional and moral complexities introduced through the protagonist's internal and external conflicts. The audience is kept on edge and uncertain about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between the protagonist's belief in control and order, and the chaotic and unpredictable nature of life and tragedy. This challenges his values of duty and protection, forcing him to confront the harsh realities of loss and grief.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, leaving a lasting impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and drives the plot forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional content, high stakes, and dramatic tension. The audience is drawn into the protagonist's journey and invested in the outcome of his search for his missing family.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of emotional beats, action, and dialogue that maintain tension and momentum. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness in conveying the protagonist's internal and external struggles.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue formatting. The visual and emotional impact of the scene is effectively conveyed through the formatting choices.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows a clear and engaging progression, building tension and emotional stakes effectively. The shifts between locations and characters enhance the narrative flow and pacing.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the emotional stakes by juxtaposing the tender moment between Greg and Brandon with the underlying tension in Greg and Angie's conversation. This contrast heightens the impact of the subsequent tragedy, making it more poignant.
  • The dialogue between Greg and Angie feels realistic, capturing the strain of their situation. However, it could benefit from more subtext. Angie's concerns about the move are valid, but they could be expressed with more emotional weight, perhaps by referencing specific fears or past experiences that make her hesitant.
  • The transition from the intimate moment in Brandon's bedroom to the more serious discussion in the master bedroom is smooth, but the scene could use a stronger visual motif to connect these two spaces. For example, incorporating more elements from Brandon's room into the master bedroom could symbolize the family's unity and the stakes of their decisions.
  • The use of voiceover for Angie's concerns is effective, but it might be more impactful if her dialogue were delivered in person, allowing for a more dynamic interaction. This would also give Greg a chance to respond in real-time, showcasing their emotional connection and the tension in their relationship.
  • The scene's pacing is generally good, but the emotional climax could be heightened. The moment when Greg discovers Angie's fate is powerful, but building more tension leading up to it—perhaps through Greg's increasing anxiety or physical cues—could amplify the shock and grief.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more specific details to Angie's concerns about the move, such as mentioning a past job loss or a negative experience that makes her wary of change. This would deepen her character and make her fears more relatable.
  • Incorporate visual elements from Brandon's room into the master bedroom scene to create a stronger thematic connection between the family's love and the impending tragedy.
  • Instead of using voiceover for Angie's dialogue, have her speak directly to Greg in the master bedroom. This would allow for a more immediate and engaging exchange, enhancing the emotional stakes.
  • Build tension in the scene by showing Greg's increasing anxiety through his body language or actions, such as pacing or fidgeting with documents, before the tragic reveal. This would create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Consider ending the scene with a more visceral reaction from Greg upon discovering Angie's fate. Instead of simply weeping, perhaps he could attempt to break free from the officers, showcasing his desperation and the depth of his loss.



Scene 4 -  Desperate Search
16 INT. COLUMBUS PD - DETECTIVE HOWARD’S OFFICE - DAY 16 *

Greg sits in Detective Howard’s office, leaning forward, his *
face resting in the cups of his hands. The door opens. Greg
leaps up as Detective Howard walks in. *

DETECTIVE HOWARD *
Sorry to keep you waiting, Captain *
Thompson. *

GREG *
Did you find my son?! *

DETECTIVE HOWARD
No, but we are doing all we can *
right now. *

Greg’s head slumps. *

DETECTIVE HOWARD
We don’t have any reason at this *
time to believe your son is dead, *
sir. Right now Officers and *
volunteers are combing every inch
of those woods. Helicopters and dog *
teams will be joining the search *
soon. I promise you, we’re doing *
everything we can to find Brandon. *

Greg sighs, slumps in the seat, rubs his bloodshot eyes.

DETECTIVE HOWARD
Captain Thompson, this may not seem
like the right time for you, but I *
need to ask you a few questions.
11.


Greg nods.

DETECTIVE HOWARD
Do you know of anyone that may have
wanted to hurt your wife? Any
issues at work? *

GREG
No. Angie was loved by everyone.
Her patients, co-workers-

DETECTIVE HOWARD *
Any problems with friends,
relatives, recent arguments...
fights?

GREG
No.

DETECTIVE HOWARD
Any problems at... home? *

GREG
Absolutely not!

DETECTIVE HOWARD
I have to ask. *

Detective Howard walks over to Greg.

DETECTIVE HOWARD
Go home Captain Thompson. Try to
get some rest. I’ll contact you if *
we find or hear anything. *

Greg reflects a moment, then looks up.

GREG
She saved my life you know.

Detective Howard flashes a confused glance. *

GREG
In Afghanistan.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In Detective Howard's office, a distraught Greg anxiously awaits news about his missing son, Brandon. Despite Detective Howard's reassurances about ongoing search efforts, Greg struggles to cope with the uncertainty and is visibly distressed. As he reflects on his wife Angie's significance in his life, he insists she had no enemies, hinting at deeper emotional connections and unresolved issues. The scene is tense and somber, highlighting Greg's emotional turmoil as he grapples with the fear for his son's safety.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Tension and suspense
  • Compelling storyline
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Some cliched elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight and tension of the situation, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' struggles.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a military captain facing personal tragedy and navigating a complex investigation is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as Greg is questioned by Detective Howard and the search for Brandon intensifies, adding layers of suspense and intrigue.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar premise of a missing person investigation but adds depth through the protagonist's emotional journey and the conflict with the detective.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, particularly Greg, are well-developed and their emotions feel authentic, drawing the audience into their struggles and motivations.

Character Changes: 8

Greg undergoes significant emotional turmoil and growth as he navigates the search for his son and copes with the loss of his wife, showcasing a compelling character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to find his missing son and cope with the emotional turmoil of the situation. This reflects his deep need for family and safety.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to cooperate with the police investigation and provide any information that may help find his son. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with the authorities and the search efforts.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict is high as Greg grapples with the uncertainty of his son's whereabouts and the tragic loss of his wife, creating tension and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong as the protagonist faces challenges from the detective's questions and the uncertainty of his son's whereabouts.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Greg searches for his missing son and grapples with the tragic loss of his wife, adding urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new developments in the investigation and deepening the emotional stakes for the characters, driving the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the uncertainty surrounding the son's disappearance and the potential danger to the protagonist's family.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's trust in the authorities to find his son and his internal struggle with the uncertainty and fear of the situation. This challenges his belief in justice and protection.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly empathy for Greg's plight and the heartbreaking situation he finds himself in.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and serves to reveal important information about the characters and the investigation, but could benefit from more depth and complexity.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional stakes, the mystery surrounding the missing son, and the protagonist's internal struggle.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension and suspense, allowing for emotional beats to land effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy scene in a police setting, with clear character actions and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dramatic interrogation scene, building tension and revealing information gradually.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys Greg's emotional turmoil and desperation regarding his missing son, which is crucial for establishing the stakes of the narrative. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to enhance the emotional weight. For instance, instead of Greg simply stating that Angie was loved by everyone, he could share a specific memory or anecdote that illustrates her character and their relationship, making the loss feel more profound.
  • Detective Howard's character comes off as somewhat one-dimensional in this scene. While he is fulfilling his role as the investigator, he lacks depth and emotional engagement. Adding a line or two that reveals his own feelings about the situation or his experience with similar cases could create a more nuanced interaction between him and Greg.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, particularly in the transition from Greg's initial panic to the questioning by Detective Howard. Allowing for a moment of silence or a physical reaction from Greg after the detective's initial response could heighten the tension and give the audience a moment to absorb the gravity of the situation.
  • The use of physicality in the scene is minimal. Greg's body language is described as slumped and leaning forward, which effectively conveys his distress, but there could be more dynamic actions that reflect his emotional state. For example, he could fidget, pace, or exhibit signs of agitation that would visually represent his anxiety and desperation.
  • The dialogue is functional but lacks emotional resonance. While it serves the plot, it could be more impactful if it included more emotional beats or interruptions, such as Greg breaking down mid-sentence or struggling to articulate his thoughts, which would make the scene feel more raw and authentic.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate a specific memory or anecdote from Greg about Angie that highlights her character and their relationship, enhancing the emotional stakes of her disappearance.
  • Develop Detective Howard's character by adding lines that reveal his own feelings or experiences related to the case, creating a more engaging dynamic between him and Greg.
  • Slow down the pacing by including a moment of silence or a physical reaction from Greg after Detective Howard's initial response, allowing the audience to absorb the gravity of the situation.
  • Add more physicality to Greg's actions to visually represent his emotional state, such as pacing or fidgeting, to enhance the tension in the scene.
  • Revise the dialogue to include more emotional beats or interruptions, allowing Greg to break down or struggle to articulate his thoughts, making the scene feel more raw and authentic.



Scene 5 -  Descent into Despair
17 EXT. DESERT - NIGHT (FLASHBACK) 17 *

Greg, dressed in full combat gear, runs flat out, zigzagging
through the explosions erupting around him. *
12.


GREG (V.O.)
Her medic convoy got turned around.
They ran into an entire ISIS *
infantry company. Nearly 100 enemy *
soldiers. My platoon was nearby. We *
were sent in to rescue them.

Greg suddenly clutches his chest and heaves forward as if *
shoved violently from behind. He stumbles and slams face-
first to the ground.

GREG (V.O.)
I took an AK round to back.


EXT. DESERT - WADDY - NIGHT *

Machine gunfire fire and explosions fill the night air. Greg *
is slammed on a combat liter. Angie and several medics rip *
and cut away his body armor and bloodied uniform as orange *
and green tracer rounds streak overhead.

Greg, barely conscious, gazes up at Angie with pleading eyes.
The sounds of combat and screaming voices slowly fade. His
vision blurs as he blinks into darkness.

18 INT. POLICE STATION - DETECTIVE HOWARD’S OFFICE - DAY 18 *
(PRESENT DAY)

Tears run down Greg’s face.

GREG
She was the last face I saw when I *
passed out, and... the first face I
saw when I came to.

He wipes at his tears.

GREG
She came to my hospital room every
day. She eventually got out of the
Army. We stayed in touch, started
dating... a year later we were
married.

Greg stands.

GREG
She saved my life that night and *
she gave me life with my son. *

He shares a longing glance with Detective Howard.
13.


GREG
What am I supposed to do without *
them?

Detective Howard watches in silence, hidden in his own grief *
as Greg stands, and walks out of the office over the commands *
and sounds of a twenty-one gun salute. *

DRILL NCO (PRE-LAP) *
Ready! Aim! Fire! *

BANG! *


19 EXT. CEMETERY - ANGIE’S GRAVE SITE - DAY 19 *

The twenty-one gun salute ends and a lone, distant bugler *
plays taps. Greg, no emotion, rigid stares at Angie’s flag- *
draped coffin.

20 INT. GREG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY 20 *

The room is filled with family, friends, and guests eating, *
drinking and talking softly.

21 EXT. GREG’S HOUSE - BACK DECK - DAY 21 *

LT. COL JOHN GARRETT, (50), average height, fit, with hints *
of speckled gray in his hair, joins Greg walks over to, Greg. *

JOHN
I talked to the Old Man. He told me *
to tell you take all the time you *
need.

Greg doesn't respond. His eyes frozen forward, starring at
the swing set. John moves closer, rubs him gently on his *
back, much like a father would his son.

JOHN
This is a tough time right now,
son. Just know we’re all here for
you. Especially Sandra and I. You
need us, you call, come by the
house, doesn’t matter the time.

GREG
Yes, sir.

John follows Greg’s gaze to the swing set. He does his best *
to flash Greg a reassuring glance. *
14.


JOHN
They’ll find him Greg.

Greg forces an accepting smile. *


22 EXT. WOODED AREAS - DAY/NIGHT 22 *

A SERIES OF SHOTS

-- Greg, surrounded by a large group of volunteers, Officers, *
and barking dogs carefully and systematically search a wooded
area shouting Brandon’s name. Greg glances up at a helicopter
racing overhead. *

-- It’s night and a different wooded area. Greg and a visibly
smaller group of volunteers and Officers, flashlights in *
hand, walk towards the tree line.

-- Another day. Pelting rain. Greg struggles to maintain his *
footing in a hilly wooded area. There are maybe ten people in
the search group now.

-- Another night. Greg stands in a new wooded area listening *
to the sounds of the woods. He’s all alone now. No shouting,
no police, barking dogs, or volunteers. He clicks on his
flashlight and heads into the darkness. *

END SERIES OF SHOTS

23 INT. COLUMBUS PD - SQUAD ROOM - DAY 23 *

Greg, unshaven and flushed stands in the squad room’s
doorway. He surveys the busy room with fatigued eyes until he
spots, Detective Howard across the room talking to a small
group of Detectives. *

Detective Howard glances up, spots Greg, jaw muscles flexing,
his eyes wide as he approaches the group. As Greg moves
closer, his focus falls on names written on a large *
whiteboard near the group. His eyes land on the name “Angie *
Thompson” written in bold red letters beside the number 17.

GREG
(to Detective Howard)
It’s been over a month and you’ve *
given me nothing! My son is out
there somewhere. My wife, dead-

DETECTIVE HOWARD
Captain Thompson. Sir, let’s go
into my office-
15.


GREG
I want to know what you’re doing to
find my son and the person that
killed my wife!

DETECTIVE HOWARD
I promise we’re doing our best-

GREG
Your best! You're doing your best!

Greg’s shouts draw the attention of the Officers and *
Detectives in the squad room. *

GREG
Where are the search parties?! The *
helicopters?! *

DETECTIVE HOWARD
We are doing everything we can to
find your son and the person that
murdered your wife. But, your wife
isn’t the only number on our
board...

Detective Howard winces, he immediately regrets his last *
remark.

GREG
That’s it! My wife is what... just
another fucking number on your got-
dam board?! *
(pointing)
Number 17! Is this all she is to
all of you now?! *

He looks scornfully around the room to guarded expressions. A
couple of uniforms ease cautiously towards him. Detective *
Howard smartly waves them off. *

DETECTIVE HOWARD
Captain Thompson. Please, calm down
and lets just go into my office and
I promise-

Greg turns, speaks with determination to Detective Howard. *

GREG
You keep your fucking promises, *
Detective. I don’t need you! I *
don’t need any of you!

He weaves his way out of the squad room, speaks under his
breath to nobody.
16.


GREG
I’ll find my son, myself.

Detective Howard follows Greg’s departure with unusual *
concern and attachment.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In a haunting flashback, Greg recalls a traumatic night in the desert where he was shot while trying to rescue a medic convoy, with Angie, a medic and his future wife, as the last face he sees. In the present, at a police station, Greg expresses his grief over the loss of Angie and their son, confronting Detective Howard about the stalled investigation. His emotional turmoil culminates in a heated outburst, leading him to resolve to find his son himself.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally charged, gripping, and keeps the audience engaged with its intense portrayal of loss and the protagonist's search for his son.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a father's unwavering determination to find his missing son amidst personal tragedy is compelling and drives the emotional core of the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, focusing on the protagonist's search for his son and the emotional aftermath of losing his wife. It keeps the audience invested in the unfolding events.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to familiar themes of loss, trauma, and redemption. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, especially the protagonist who displays a range of emotions from grief to anger to determination. Their interactions and reactions feel authentic and add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The protagonist undergoes a significant emotional journey in the scene, moving from grief and anger to determination and resolve as he vows to find his missing son.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to come to terms with the trauma and loss he experienced during the combat situation. This reflects his deeper need for closure, his fear of losing loved ones, and his desire to find peace.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to find his missing son and seek justice for his wife's murder. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing in the present day.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the protagonist's desperate search for his son and his frustration with the authorities adds tension and urgency to the scene, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition rating is strong, with the protagonist facing internal and external obstacles that challenge his beliefs and motivations.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the protagonist grapples with the loss of his wife and the search for his missing son, adding a sense of urgency and importance to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by highlighting the protagonist's search for his son and setting up future developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional outbursts and twists in the protagonist's search for his son.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is evident in the protagonist's struggle with the value of human life and the importance of his family. This challenges his beliefs about duty, sacrifice, and personal responsibility.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking strong feelings of sadness, empathy, and hope in the audience. The raw emotions displayed by the characters resonate deeply.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the intense emotions of the characters, particularly the protagonist's outbursts of grief and anger. It adds to the overall tension and drama of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, emotional depth, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience invested in the protagonist's journey.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing action, emotion, and dialogue to create a dynamic and engaging sequence.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 9

The structure follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear progression of events and emotional beats.


Critique
  • The scene effectively juxtaposes Greg's traumatic memories from the battlefield with his current emotional turmoil, creating a powerful emotional resonance. However, the transition between the flashback and present-day scenes could be smoother to enhance the flow and maintain the audience's engagement.
  • Greg's voiceover provides critical context about his relationship with Angie, but it could benefit from more vivid imagery or specific anecdotes that illustrate their bond. This would deepen the audience's emotional investment in their relationship and make the loss feel more impactful.
  • The dialogue in the present-day section is emotionally charged, but it risks feeling somewhat expository. While it's important for Greg to express his grief and frustration, consider incorporating more subtext or non-verbal cues to convey his feelings, allowing the audience to infer his emotional state rather than stating it outright.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally effective, but the emotional climax could be heightened. Greg's outburst at Detective Howard feels justified, yet it could be more explosive to reflect the pent-up grief and frustration he has been experiencing. This would create a more cathartic moment for both the character and the audience.
  • The visual elements, such as the contrasting chaos of the battlefield and the somber atmosphere of the police station, are well-executed. However, consider using more sensory details in the flashback to immerse the audience further in Greg's experience, such as the sounds of gunfire or the smell of gunpowder, which could enhance the visceral impact of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the transition between the flashback and present-day scenes by using a visual or auditory cue, such as a specific sound or image that links the two moments, to create a more seamless flow.
  • Incorporate specific memories or anecdotes about Greg and Angie's relationship during the voiceover to provide depth and make their connection feel more tangible to the audience.
  • Add more subtext to the dialogue, allowing Greg's emotions to be conveyed through actions and expressions rather than solely through words, which can create a more nuanced portrayal of his grief.
  • Consider amplifying the intensity of Greg's outburst at Detective Howard to reflect the culmination of his emotional struggle, making it a more explosive and memorable moment.
  • Include more sensory details in the flashback to create a more immersive experience for the audience, enhancing the emotional weight of Greg's memories and the contrast with his current situation.



Scene 6 -  A Glimmer of Hope
24 INT. GREG’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY 24 *

Greg sits at the kitchen table staring at a small, framed
photograph of Angie and Brandon. His face is weary with *
exhaustion, his eyes are filled with sadness.

Rusty, laying quietly at his feet, raises his head, then *
leaps to his feet. He barks just as the doorbell rings. *

DETECTIVE HOWARD (PRE-LAP) *
You have... had a beautiful family, *
sir. *


25 INT. GREG’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY 25 *

Greg and Detective Howard sit quietly at the kitchen table. *
Detective Howard hands Greg the framed photograph. *

GREG
Why are you here Detective?

DETECTIVE HOWARD *
We still haven’t been able to
locate your wife’s missing van, but *
all of the labs are back now, and *
her rape kit was... positive.

Greg grimaces, tears well in his eyes.

DETECTIVE HOWARD *
Unfortunately, the lab wasn’t able
to found any DNA evidence for us to
work with.

GREG
What happens now?

DETECTIVE HOWARD *
I don’t know Captain Thompson. *
(off Greg’s disappointment)
We’re doing our best, but the
case... well, to be honest, it’s
going cold.
17.


Greg glances at Angie’s photo as Detective Howard removes a *
small manila folder from his coat pocket. He removes a 5x7 *
photo from the folder and slides it across the table to Greg. *

GREG
What’s this?

DETECTIVE HOWARD *
I took the liberty and asked our
service to do a photo rendering of *
your son, what he’ll look in two *
years. *

Greg looks at the photo, his eyes widen, astonished. *

DETECTIVE HOWARD *
Not to say that it’s going to take
that long to find him but, you *
know... I thought you may want to-

GREG
No... thank you, this is (off the
photo) amazing. What service did *
you use to create this? *

DETECTIVE HOWARD *
I figured you’d ask. *

He slides Greg a business card. Greg picks it up, reads.

GREG
Thank you.

Detective Howard nods, gracefully. They share a moment of *
awkward silence before Greg’s eyes fall back on the rendered
photo. *
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Crime"]

Summary In a somber kitchen setting, Greg grapples with the emotional weight of his wife and son's disappearance. Detective Howard arrives with updates on the investigation, revealing the case is stagnating and the rape kit results are inconclusive. Despite the grim news, Howard presents Greg with a photo rendering of what his son might look like in two years, offering a bittersweet moment of hope. The scene captures Greg's deep sadness and longing for connection, culminating in an awkward silence as he reflects on the rendered image.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Mystery elements
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight and tension of the situation, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' struggles.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a missing family and the search for answers is compelling and drives the narrative forward with a sense of urgency.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as new information is revealed about the investigation, adding layers to the mystery and raising the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar theme of a missing person investigation by focusing on the emotional toll it takes on the protagonist. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show depth and emotion, particularly Greg who is grappling with loss and uncertainty.

Character Changes: 7

Greg undergoes a significant emotional change as he grapples with the reality of his wife and son's disappearance.

Internal Goal: 8

Greg's internal goal in this scene is to find closure and answers regarding his missing wife and son. His deeper need is to understand what happened to them and to cope with the emotional turmoil he is experiencing.

External Goal: 7

Greg's external goal is to find his missing son and solve the mystery surrounding his wife's disappearance. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the investigation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is internal conflict within Greg as he struggles with the uncertainty of his family's fate, as well as external conflict in the investigation.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Greg faces challenges in the investigation, emotional turmoil, and uncertainty about the fate of his family. The audience is kept on edge by the unresolved mysteries and conflicts.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Greg faces the possibility of losing his family and the urgency of finding answers intensifies.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by providing new information and raising questions that drive the narrative towards resolution.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the investigation, the emotional revelations, and the unresolved questions surrounding the missing son and wife.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of loss, uncertainty, and the search for truth. Greg's beliefs and values are challenged by the lack of evidence and closure in the case.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly in the moments of sadness and despair experienced by Greg.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and helps to convey the characters' emotions and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth of the characters, the tension in the investigation, and the subtle interactions between Greg and Detective Howard. The audience is drawn into the mystery and the protagonist's emotional journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth, with moments of quiet reflection and intense dialogue. The rhythm of the scene enhances the impact of the character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for a dialogue-heavy scene in a screenplay. The scene directions and character actions are well-defined.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a dramatic, character-driven moment in a screenplay. The pacing and rhythm of the dialogue contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys Greg's emotional turmoil and exhaustion, which is crucial for the audience to empathize with his character. However, the dialogue could be more dynamic; it feels somewhat flat and lacks the emotional weight that could elevate the tension in this moment.
  • Detective Howard's character comes across as professional but somewhat detached. Adding more emotional depth to his character could enhance the scene. For instance, he could express his own frustrations about the case, which would create a more relatable connection with Greg.
  • The use of the photograph as a prop is a strong visual element that symbolizes Greg's loss and hope. However, the transition from discussing the grim details of the investigation to the photo rendering feels abrupt. A smoother transition could help maintain the emotional flow of the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven. The initial moments of silence and Greg's weariness are effective, but the subsequent dialogue could benefit from more pauses to allow the weight of the information to sink in for both Greg and the audience.
  • The scene ends on a note of awkward silence, which is a good choice to reflect the tension. However, it might be more impactful if Greg's reaction to the photo rendering were more visceral, perhaps leading to a moment of breakdown or a more intense emotional response.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtext to the dialogue. For example, Greg could ask questions that reveal his desperation or anger, rather than just seeking information. This would add layers to the conversation.
  • Enhance Detective Howard's character by giving him a personal stake in the case or a backstory that connects him to Greg's situation. This could create a more compelling dynamic between the two characters.
  • Incorporate more physical actions or reactions from Greg as he processes the information. For instance, he could clench his fists or pace the room, which would visually represent his internal struggle.
  • Introduce a moment where Greg reflects on a memory of Angie or Brandon while looking at the photo, which could deepen the emotional impact of the scene and provide insight into his character's psyche.
  • Consider revising the ending to include a more definitive emotional reaction from Greg after seeing the photo rendering. This could serve as a powerful moment that encapsulates his hope and despair, leaving the audience with a stronger emotional resonance.



Scene 7 -  Desperate Pursuit
26 EXT. VARIOUS LOCATIONS - DAY/NIGHT 26 *

MONTAGE - GREG SEARCHING FOR BRANDON

-- Greg sits in his car watching a busy intersection, his
eyes darting from one passing car to the next, carefully *
scrutinizing the occupants. *

-- Greg’s car speeds past a road sign that reads, Welcome to *
Tennessee.

-- Snowflakes fall heavy in the air as Greg attaches an 8X10 *
flyer with Brandon’s image and the word “abducted” in bold to *
a street crossing pole.
18.


-- It’s night and raining. Greg’s car speeds past a road sign *
that reads, Welcome to North Carolina. *

-- It’s day and Greg stands at a busy intersection passing *
out the 8x10 flyers with Brandon’s image and information.

-- Greg’s headlights flash across a sign that reads, Welcome *
to South Carolina.

END MONTAGE

27 INT. GREG’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT 27 *

Greg’s cell phone blares to life. A bedside light clicks on. *
Greg scrambles to answer the phone.

GREG
Hello.

A male voice on the other end with a noticeable southern
drawl.

MAIL VOICE (V.O.)
Opelika, Alabama. Greenbrier Motel
off highway 431. Room 18.

GREG
What? Who is this?

MAIL VOICE (V.O.)
You want your boy back or what? *
Room 18! *

The caller hangs up. Greg springs up... he struggles to *
comprehend the call.

EXT. GREENBRIER MOTEL - PARKING LOT - NIGHT *

Greg’s car pulls into the seedy motel’s parking lot.

28 EXT. GREENBRIER MOTEL - ROOM #18 - NIGHT 28 *

Greg peeks through the curtained window. What little he can *
see, the room is dark and empty. He tries the doorknob, it’s *
locked. Frustrated, he gives the area and parking lot a quick *
scan.
19.

29 INT. GREG’S CAR - NIGHT 29 *

Greg eases into his car and places a gun on the seat beside *
him. He pours a cup of hot coffee from a thermos, sips...
stares... waits.

30 INT. GREG’S CAR - NIGHT (LATER) 30 *

Greg tips his thermos, it's empty. He replaces the lid just
as a beat-up pickup truck pulls to a stop in the parking lot.

An overweight DRIVER (30s), male, dressed in blue jeans,
camouflaged hunting shirt, muddied camouflaged boots, and *
matching hat stumbles from the truck. Greg glares as his hand *
eases slowly towards the gun. *


31 EXT. GREENBRIER MOTEL - PARKING LOT - NIGHT 31 *

Holding a set of keys in one hand and a six pack of beer in *
the other, the overweight Driver staggers across the parking
lot towards the motel. Completely wasted, it takes him
several attempts before finally getting the key into, -

Door #18.

The Driver curse...

DRIVER
Sum-bitch.

The door pops open, he stumbles into the room, and slams the *
door behind him.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Greg embarks on a frantic search for his abducted son, Brandon, distributing flyers across multiple states. He receives a cryptic phone call directing him to the Greenbrier Motel in Alabama, where he waits anxiously in his car, armed and alert. As he observes a drunken driver stumbling into the motel room mentioned in the call, tension mounts, leaving Greg in a state of uncertainty about his next move.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Emotional depth
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue
  • Slightly predictable plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged with Greg's emotional turmoil and desperate search for his son.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a father searching for his missing son in a seedy motel after a mysterious phone call is compelling and drives the plot forward.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, focusing on Greg's emotional journey and the high stakes of finding his son. The scene effectively advances the overall story.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh take on the classic abduction storyline, with unique settings and character interactions that add authenticity to the plot.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Greg is a well-developed character with a strong emotional arc, driving the scene with his desperation and determination. The Driver adds tension and mystery to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Greg undergoes a significant emotional change as he grapples with the possibility of finding his son, showcasing his determination and love as a father.

Internal Goal: 9

Greg's internal goal is to find his abducted son, which reflects his deep desire to protect and reunite with his family.

External Goal: 8

Greg's external goal is to follow the lead given by the mysterious caller and locate his son at the Greenbrier Motel.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict is high as Greg faces the unknown in his search for his son, adding to the suspense and urgency of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the unpredictable actions of the Driver adding a sense of danger and conflict to the protagonist's mission.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Greg races against time to find his missing son, adding urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by intensifying the search for Greg's son and raising the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the plot, keeping the audience on edge and invested in the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the moral dilemma of how far Greg is willing to go to save his son, even if it means resorting to violence or breaking the law.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact as Greg's desperation and fear are palpable, drawing the audience into his emotional turmoil.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal but effective in conveying the urgency and fear in the scene. The mysterious phone call and the Driver's curse add to the suspense.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, compelling character motivations, and unpredictable plot developments.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear and concise descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-paced and structured format, effectively building tension and suspense through its sequence of events.


Critique
  • The montage effectively conveys Greg's desperation and determination in searching for his son, but it could benefit from more emotional depth. While the visuals are strong, adding internal thoughts or voiceover could enhance the audience's connection to Greg's emotional state during this harrowing journey.
  • The transition from the montage to the phone call is abrupt. A smoother transition could help maintain the emotional flow of the scene. Consider incorporating a moment of reflection or a visual cue that signifies the shift from action to the pivotal phone call.
  • The dialogue in the phone call is functional but lacks tension. The male voice could be more menacing or cryptic to heighten the stakes. Additionally, Greg's reaction to the call could be more visceral, showcasing a mix of hope and fear as he processes the information.
  • The description of the motel and the driver is vivid, but it could be enhanced by incorporating sensory details that evoke the atmosphere of the setting. For instance, describing the sounds of the rain or the smell of the motel could immerse the audience further into the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. The montage is quick and action-oriented, while the subsequent moments slow down significantly. Balancing the pacing throughout the scene can help maintain tension and keep the audience engaged.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a voiceover during the montage that reflects Greg's thoughts or memories of Brandon, which would deepen the emotional impact of his search.
  • Introduce a visual motif or recurring element in the montage that symbolizes Greg's hope or despair, such as a specific item he carries or a recurring image of Brandon.
  • Enhance the phone call by giving the male voice a more sinister tone or cryptic language that raises the stakes and creates a sense of urgency.
  • Incorporate more sensory details in the motel setting to create a vivid atmosphere that reflects Greg's emotional state, such as the sound of rain hitting the car or the flickering neon lights of the motel.
  • Adjust the pacing by interspersing moments of reflection or tension between the montage and the phone call, allowing the audience to absorb the weight of Greg's situation before the next action unfolds.



Scene 8 -  Confrontation at the Greenbrier
32 EXT. GREENBRIER MOTEL - NIGHT 32 *

Greg moves with stealth and precision towards door #18.

33 INT. GREENBRIER MOTEL - ROOM #22 - NIGHT 33 *

A NOSEY FEMALE OCCUPANT (40), peaks from behind a thin white
curtain... she spots Greg moving slowly towards door #18.

Nosey squints as the light from a nearby window reveal the
outline of the gun in Greg’s hand. She steps back... picks up *
the room’s phone and dials. *
20.

34 INT. GREENBRIER MOTEL - ROOM #18 - NIGHT 34 *

Phone ringing. Drunk Driver stumbles from the bathroom,
answers.

DRUNK DRIVER
Hello... what, (shouting) I don’t
give a shit about you, or that
fucking kid!... Fuck me! No! Fuck *
you! I should have never gotten
involved with you and I wouldn’t be
in this shit right now! *


35 EXT. GREENBRIER MOTEL - ROOM #18 - NIGHT 35 *

Greg, ear pressed against the door, listens. *

DRUNK DRIVER (V.O.)
The got-damn kid ain’t my *
problem... I don’t give a flying- *
fuck! I’m done with you and all *
your bullshit! So, you can kill the *
little bastard if you want! I’m
out! *


36 INT. GREENBRIER MOTEL - ROOM #18 - NIGHT 36 *

Drunk Driver slams the phone, and at that moment, the motel
room door crashes in. The impact of the door sends Drunk *
Driver careening backward, but somehow he maintains his
balance. He spins, spots Greg speeding through the door.

Drunk Driver’s face reveals this is not the first time he’s
been in a situation like this, and in a flash he lunges
forward, slamming hard into Greg.

The force on the impact knocks Greg’s gun from his hand. It
slides across the floor and under the bed. Drunk Driver, the *
slightly larger man, quickly uses his size to gain an early
advantage.

The action is swift, jerky, violent.

The room’s close quarters offer very little space for the two
combatants to maneuver. Shit’s being smashed and knocked all *
over the place. Then with a sudden and quick move -

Greg slams Drunk Driver into a small space between the bed
and the wall. Advantage, Greg. He slams his fist repeatedly
into Drunk Driver’s face.
21.


The punches are short, hard, and violent, when suddenly -

Drunk Driver turns his face away, causing Greg’s hand to
smash into the floor. Greg screams in agony, he clutches his *
hand. Drunk Driver spots something under the bed. He reaches,
struggling at first, but manages to grab Greg’s -

Gun.

Greg rolls away... leaps to his feet. Clutching his hand, he *
stumbles out the door just as Drunk Driver struggles against *
the side of the bed and fires - *

BANG! BANG! *

The bullets slam hard into the doorway and wall, missing Greg *
by mere inches.
Genres: ["Thriller","Action","Drama"]

Summary In a tense night scene at the Greenbrier Motel, Greg stealthily approaches room #18, unaware that a nosey occupant in room #22 is watching him. Inside, a drunk driver dismisses a troubling phone call about a child. Greg bursts in, leading to a violent struggle for control. Despite initially gaining the upper hand, Greg injures his hand, allowing the drunk driver to take his gun. The confrontation escalates as the drunk driver fires at Greg, who narrowly escapes the motel.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • Emotional depth
  • Suspenseful pacing
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue
  • Slightly predictable outcome

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is gripping, emotionally charged, and filled with suspense, making it a standout moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a desperate father facing off against a dangerous adversary in a race against time is compelling and drives the tension of the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as Greg gets closer to finding his son, leading to a climactic confrontation that propels the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on a classic confrontation, with unexpected twists and turns that keep the audience engaged. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and true to their motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Greg, are well-developed and their emotions and motivations drive the intensity of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Greg undergoes a transformation from a grieving father to a determined fighter, showcasing his resilience and strength.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to confront the Drunk Driver and retrieve the gun. This reflects his need for control and his fear of failure or being overpowered.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to retrieve the gun and escape without being harmed. This reflects the immediate challenge of a physical confrontation and potential danger.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Greg and the drunk driver is physical, emotional, and symbolic, heightening the stakes and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the Drunk Driver posing a significant threat to the protagonist. The audience is unsure of how the confrontation will unfold.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high as Greg faces a life-or-death situation in his quest to rescue his son.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by bringing Greg closer to finding his son and escalating the tension.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turns in the confrontation and the characters' choices. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the conflict will resolve.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between morality and survival. The Drunk Driver's disregard for the child's safety challenges the protagonist's values and sense of justice.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene is emotionally charged, with Greg's desperation and determination evoking strong feelings from the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal but impactful, conveying the urgency and tension of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, moral dilemmas, and unpredictable twists. The audience is invested in the outcome and the characters' fates.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action and tension that keeps the audience engaged. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, building tension and conflict effectively. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the use of stealth and the impending confrontation. However, the pacing could be improved by adding more internal conflict for Greg as he approaches the door, allowing the audience to feel his anxiety and desperation more deeply.
  • The introduction of the Nosey Female Occupant adds an interesting layer of potential witness or interference, but her role feels underdeveloped. Consider giving her a more active role in the scene, perhaps by having her react more dramatically to the unfolding events or even attempting to intervene.
  • The dialogue from the Drunk Driver is impactful and conveys his frustration, but it could benefit from more specificity. Instead of general insults, consider incorporating details that hint at his backstory or connection to the child, which would heighten the stakes for Greg.
  • The physical confrontation between Greg and the Drunk Driver is well-executed, but the transition from Greg gaining the upper hand to injuring his hand feels abrupt. A more gradual escalation of the fight could enhance the realism and emotional weight of the struggle.
  • The scene ends on a cliffhanger with Greg narrowly escaping gunfire, which is effective for maintaining suspense. However, consider adding a moment of reflection for Greg after the confrontation, allowing the audience to see the toll this encounter takes on him emotionally and physically.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate Greg's internal thoughts or flashbacks as he approaches the motel room to deepen the emotional stakes and provide context for his actions.
  • Expand the role of the Nosey Female Occupant by giving her a more pronounced reaction to the events, potentially making her a reluctant ally or a more significant obstacle.
  • Revise the Drunk Driver's dialogue to include more specific references to his relationship with the child or his motivations, which would add depth to his character and the situation.
  • Slow down the fight sequence to allow for more buildup and tension, perhaps by including moments where Greg hesitates or reflects on the consequences of his actions.
  • After the confrontation, include a brief moment where Greg processes what just happened, showcasing his emotional state and setting up the stakes for the next scene.



Scene 9 -  Chaos and Care
EXT. GREENBRIER MOTEL - PARKING LOT - NIGHT *

Greg explodes from the room, falls to the ground, and is
immediately blinded by brilliant bright lights.

VOICE (V.O.) *
Freeze!

37 EXT. GREENBRIER MOTEL PARKING LOT - NIGHT (LATER) 37 *

A sea of flashing red and blue lights. Emergency vehicles
crowd the small parking lot. The motel’s occupants are out,
standing, gawking, talking.

We move slowly passing Nosey, animated, telling her version
of the story to an Officer, to - *

Greg sitting at the back of an ambulance.

An Officer stands nearby as a paramedic wraps his swollen *
hand.

JOHN (PRE-LAP) *
I appreciate you doing this for me,
Detective Howard.

39 INT. JOHN GARRETT’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - EARLY MORNING 39 *

Major John Garrett, on the phone, talks to Detective Howard. *

DETECTIVE HOWARD (V.O.) *
This is a one-time deal, Colonel. I *
know he’s been going all over
searching for his son. *
22.


Hell, can’t say that I blame him, *
but if he does something stupid
like this again... I’m personally *
going to lock his ass up. *

Detective Howard hangs up. John holds a moment before he *
hangs up his phone. *


41 INT. JOHN GARRETT’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY (LATER) 41 *

John sits at the kitchen table. His newspaper conceals his
face. SANDRA GARRETT (50), studious, very attractive is *
pouring a cup of coffee, when -

Greg, battered, his arm in a sling and eyes locked on John, *
cautiously eases into the room. Sandra smiles big. She acts *
as if it’s just a typical morning and nothing’s wrong with *
Greg. *

SANDRA
Oh, there you are. Good morning, *
Greg.

GREG
Good morning, Mrs. Garrett.

Greg cuts a quick glance back to John. He gets an eyeful of *
the newspaper.

SANDRA
Have a seat and I’ll make you a cup
of coffee. You hungry?

GREG
Thank you. Ah, yes ma’am. *

Greg sits. Sandra sets a plate of food in front of him. Greg
forces a smile, nods his appreciation. He cuts John another *
guarded glance. *
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary In a tense scene, Greg emerges from a motel room, injured and overwhelmed by police activity, prompting concern from John Garrett, who discusses Greg's reckless behavior with Detective Howard. The narrative shifts to John's home, where he and his nurturing wife Sandra attempt to create a sense of normalcy for the battered Greg, who struggles to cope with the aftermath of his actions. The contrast between the chaotic motel scene and the calm kitchen highlights the emotional turmoil and unresolved conflict surrounding Greg's situation.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Compelling character journey
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched elements in the dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a sense of urgency, emotional depth, and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the protagonist's journey.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a father's desperate search for his missing son is compelling and drives the narrative forward with high stakes and emotional impact.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a clear goal for the protagonist and escalating tension through the confrontation at the motel.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar situation of a family dealing with the aftermath of a violent incident but adds originality through nuanced character interactions and emotional depth.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined, with Greg's determination and emotional turmoil at the forefront, driving the scene forward.

Character Changes: 8

Greg undergoes a significant emotional journey in the scene, from despair to determination, showcasing his character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the aftermath of a violent incident and maintain composure in front of his family. This reflects his need for acceptance and approval from his loved ones.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to avoid further trouble with law enforcement and protect his family from harm. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with the consequences of his actions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Greg and the drunk driver at the motel raises the stakes and intensifies the scene, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and tensions between characters that create uncertainty and suspense for the audience.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of Greg's search for his abducted son, coupled with the intense confrontation at the motel, heighten the tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by advancing Greg's search for his son and raising the stakes for the protagonist.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics between characters and the uncertain resolution of the protagonist's conflicts.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's desire to protect his family and his own impulsive actions that put them in danger. This challenges his values of responsibility and loyalty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly through Greg's desperation and determination to find his son.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotions of the scene, adding depth to the characters and their interactions.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the tense atmosphere, emotional conflicts, and subtle character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing tense moments with quieter character interactions, creating a dynamic and engaging rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and well-paced dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the chaos and urgency following Greg's confrontation at the motel, but it could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience in the environment. Describing the sounds of sirens, the chatter of onlookers, and the smell of smoke or adrenaline could enhance the atmosphere.
  • The transition from the motel to John Garrett's house feels abrupt. While it serves to show the consequences of Greg's actions, a smoother transition or a brief moment of reflection for Greg could help maintain emotional continuity.
  • The dialogue between John and Detective Howard is functional but lacks emotional depth. It serves to convey information, but adding more personal stakes or tension could make it more engaging. For instance, John could express concern for Greg's well-being or frustration with the situation.
  • Greg's physical state is mentioned, but the emotional weight of his injuries and the trauma he just experienced could be explored further. Showing his internal struggle or pain through his actions or expressions would deepen the audience's connection to his character.
  • The interaction between Greg and Sandra feels somewhat superficial. While she acts as if everything is normal, it would be more impactful if there were subtle hints of her concern for Greg's well-being, perhaps through her body language or a fleeting moment of eye contact.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more sensory details to create a vivid atmosphere in the motel parking lot, enhancing the chaos and urgency of the scene.
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection for Greg after the confrontation before transitioning to John Garrett's house, allowing the audience to process his emotional state.
  • Enhance the dialogue between John and Detective Howard by infusing it with more personal stakes or tension, making it feel more dynamic and engaging.
  • Explore Greg's emotional and physical state more deeply, showing how his recent trauma affects him in this new setting.
  • Add subtle hints of concern from Sandra towards Greg, which could create a more layered interaction and highlight the tension in the household.



Scene 10 -  Confrontation in the Backyard
42 EXT. JOHN GARRETT’S HOUSE - BACKYARD 42 *

Greg stares at a well-manicured flower bed. John, furious, is *
well into delivering him an Army-style ass-chewing.

JOHN
And after all the years we’ve *
worked together, and you act as if
you haven’t learned a got-damn
thing! (off Greg’s glance)
23.


I know you’ve been running off on
the weekends, driving God knows
where! Hell, who do you think been
covering your ass when you’ve shown
up late for work damn near every
Monday morning for the past year?!

Greg takes a seat on a bench. His eyes and face filled with *
exhaustion and self-pity.

GREG
I don’t know what to do anymore,
Sir. The phone call, it... it
seemed so real, I-

JOHN
The phone call was a hoax! The guy
you attacked was a local dumb-ass
that got caught fucking his best
friend’s wife and got her pregnant!
His wife put him out, he was
staying at the motel!

John takes a deep breath, runs a hand through his hair, and *
steals a second to collect himself. *

JOHN
His friend saw your web site,
decided to give you a call. Figured
you’d show up and kill the dumb
bastard.

Greg lowers his head, his hands, body shakes. *

GREG
Jesus! I could’ve killed him.

JOHN
Or got yourself killed!

John pauses, allows time for his words to sink in.

JOHN
The Sheriff over there is ex-
military and he’s aware of your
case. He’s also a close friend of
Detective Howard. They’re going to
look the other way this time.

Greg slumps, sighs. *
24.


JOHN
You really dodged a bullet here,
son, literally. Now, it’s time for
you to get your shit together-

GREG
I’ll be fine, Sir. I just need a
little time.

John gives him a sharp, cold, angry look. *

JOHN
You’re out of time! And getting *
help is no longer an option, it’s
an got-damn order. My got-damn *
order! Your sessions start first *
thing Monday morning. *

Greg’s head snaps up, he leaps to his feet.

GREG
Are you ordering me to see a
shrink, sir?! *

JOHN
I’m ordering you to save your life, *
Greg! *

GREG
Sir, I can’t go see a shrink! It
will go in my records, my career-

John, furious, steps close Greg’s. *

JOHN
What career?! Have you looked into *
a mirror lately?! You’re a fucking *
mess! You damn near killed a man
last night and you came even closer
to getting yourself killed! You’re
lucky the bastard was drunk or he
may not have missed!

John moves closer. He’s all the fuck up into Greg’s personal *
space now. He speaks with absolute authority. *

JOHN
I’m the only one... the only one
that’s been holding on to what
little career you have left and *
son... I’m damn tired of holding *
on!
25.


John steps back... takes a deep breath. His brow furrowed,
jawline flexing. He turns and walks away.

JOHN
You start Monday morning. And
Greg...

He stops... doesn’t look back.

JOHN
If you’re a no show, then don’t
come back. Just keep driving.

Greg, speechless, watch as John walks away. Tears run freely
down his face.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense confrontation in John's backyard, John expresses his anger towards Greg for his reckless behavior that nearly resulted in a man's death. Greg, feeling exhausted and confused, struggles to comprehend the gravity of the situation while fearing for his career. John insists that Greg must attend therapy sessions, delivering a stern ultimatum that leaves Greg in tears as John walks away, emphasizing the unresolved conflict between them.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Powerful dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Potential for melodrama in emotional scenes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, with intense emotions, high stakes, and a pivotal moment in the protagonist's journey. The dialogue is powerful and the conflict is palpable, keeping the audience engaged throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a character reaching their breaking point and being confronted with the need for change is compelling and well-executed in this scene.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly in this scene, with major developments in Greg's character arc and the overall narrative. The tension and stakes are heightened, driving the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of personal responsibility and redemption, with unique character dynamics and emotional depth. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Greg and John, are well-developed and their interactions are crucial in shaping the scene's emotional impact. Their dynamics add depth to the story.

Character Changes: 9

Greg undergoes a significant transformation in this scene, forced to confront his actions and make a decision that will shape his future. The emotional turmoil leads to a pivotal moment of change.

Internal Goal: 8

Greg's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with his actions and the consequences of his behavior. It reflects his deeper need for redemption and self-acceptance.

External Goal: 7.5

Greg's external goal in this scene is to avoid facing the consequences of his actions and to maintain his career and reputation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, both internally within Greg and externally with John. The tension is palpable and drives the emotional intensity of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with John challenging Greg's beliefs and forcing him to confront his actions and their consequences.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with Greg facing the consequences of his actions and the risk of losing everything he holds dear. The tension is palpable and keeps the audience on edge.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, setting up new challenges and developments for the characters. It propels the narrative towards a crucial turning point.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the dialogue and the protagonist's internal struggle.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between personal responsibility and self-preservation. Greg must choose between facing his mistakes and seeking help or continuing to avoid them at the cost of his own well-being.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The emotional impact of the scene is profound, evoking strong feelings of sadness, anger, and empathy for the characters. The audience is deeply invested in Greg's journey.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is intense, raw, and emotionally charged, reflecting the inner turmoil of the characters. It drives the conflict and reveals important aspects of their personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict, high stakes, and moral dilemma faced by the protagonist.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and emotional intensity gradually, leading to a powerful climax.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear conflict, rising tension, and emotional resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys the tension between Greg and John, showcasing John's authority and Greg's vulnerability. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext; while John is clearly angry, adding layers to his frustration could deepen the emotional impact. For instance, exploring John's own fears about Greg's well-being or career could create a more complex dynamic.
  • Greg's emotional state is well depicted through his exhaustion and self-pity, but the scene could be enhanced by showing more of his internal struggle. Instead of just stating he doesn't know what to do, consider incorporating physical actions or visual cues that reflect his turmoil, such as fidgeting or looking around as if searching for answers.
  • The pacing of the scene feels a bit rushed, particularly in John's monologue. While it's important to convey urgency, allowing for pauses or reactions from Greg could heighten the emotional stakes. This would give the audience time to absorb the weight of John's words and Greg's realization of his situation.
  • The use of military jargon and the authoritative tone from John is effective, but it risks alienating viewers who may not be familiar with such language. Simplifying some of the dialogue or providing context could make it more accessible without losing the authenticity of the characters.
  • The ending, with Greg in tears, is powerful, but it could be even more impactful if it were set up with a stronger visual or auditory cue. Perhaps the sound of a distant siren or the sight of the well-manicured flower bed could symbolize the contrast between Greg's internal chaos and the calm exterior of John's life.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more subtext in John's dialogue to reveal his underlying fears and motivations, making the confrontation richer and more layered.
  • Show Greg's internal struggle through physical actions or visual cues, enhancing the audience's connection to his emotional state.
  • Allow for pauses and reactions during John's monologue to give the audience time to absorb the emotional weight of the conversation.
  • Simplify some military jargon in John's dialogue to ensure accessibility for all viewers while maintaining character authenticity.
  • Enhance the final moment with a strong visual or auditory cue that symbolizes Greg's turmoil, creating a more resonant conclusion to the scene.



Scene 11 -  Confronting Shadows: Greg's Journey to Healing
43 EXT. FORT BENNING - MENTAL HEALTH CLINIC - DAY 43 *

Greg stares at the sign on the building’s door that reads -
Fort Benning Army Mental Health Clinic.

44 44
INT. FORT BENNING - MENTAL HEALTH CLINIC - MEETING ROOM - DAY *

A group of men and women sit in a tight semi-circle. The *
Counselor turns to Greg.

COUNSELOR
Greg, would you like to share?

Greg shakes his head, no.

45 EXT. FORT BRAGG - DAY 45 *

A sign reads, Welcome to Fort Bragg, Home of the 82nd *
Airborne Division.

46 EXT. FORT BRAGG - RUNNING TRAIL - DAY 46 *

Greg running, his pace slow, his movements sluggish.

47 INT. FORT BRAGG - C-130 - NIGHT 47 *

Loud. A square-jawed, barrel chest, Jump Master stands at the
front of the dimly lit aircraft barking out commands. He
points, shouts directly at Greg.

JUMP MASTER
Stand in the door!
26.


Greg shuffles forward ahead of a deep line of waiting *
Paratroopers. He braces himself in the aircraft’s doorway and *
prepares to jump. A small red light in the doorway turns *
green, and - *

JUMP MASTER
(slapping Greg on the ass)
Go! Go! Go!

Greg leaps, vanishing into the dark night sky. *


48 48
INT. FORT BRAGG - MENTAL HEALTH BUILDING - MEETING ROOM - DAY *

Greg sits amongst a new group of men and women. Greg listens
as one of the men describes his ordeal.

49 INT. GREG’S CAR - DAY 49 *

Greg sits, grief-stricken, staring at a 5x7 photo. *


50 EXT. WOODED AREA - DAY 50 *

Greg stares at the distant patch of overgrown weeds and the *
barely visible piece of weathered yellow crime scene tape *
near the dirt road where Angie’s body was found. *

GREG (PRE-LAP) *
It was eight years ago this month. *


51 EXT. FORT POLK - MENTAL HEALTH BUILDING - DAY 51 *

A sign on the building reads - Fort Polk Mental Health.

52 52
INT. FORT POLK - MENTAL HEALTH BUILDING - MEETING ROOM - DAY *

Greg, a Major and visibly older now sits amongst a new group
of men and women. His face despondent, somber. The assembled *
group encourages him with their eyes.

GREG
My wife was brutally murdered and
my son... (choking up) abducted. *

No sound now as Greg talks. Sadness dominates every *
expression in the room.
27.

53 EXT. PARK - NIGHT 53 *

A dark sky, pelting rain. Greg, drenched runs along a winding *
trail. Rain pounds his face, but there’s something very *
different now. His pace is fast, his stride fluid, strong...
smooth.

He slows to a stop... looks out at the distant city lights, *
and falls to his knees. He slumps forward onto the wet, muddy *
ground. Greg weeps. *


54 EXT. FORT HOOD TEXAS - MAIN GATE - DAY 54 *

SUPER: TWO YEARS LATER

A sea of traffic creeps towards the front gate. A large sign
reads, Welcome to Fort Hood. *


55 INT. MAJOR GENERAL JOHN GARRETT’S OFFICE - DAY 55 *

Greg stares at a group of neatly arranged photos in a large,
cherry oak bookshelf that matches the oversized cherry oak
desk, executive office furnishings, wall-mounted plaques, and *
unit guidons. *

He smiles, picks up a photo of a young Captain John Garrett
sitting on a grassy hillside with three, even younger second
lieutenants. Greg is one of the smiling lieutenants.

JOHN (O.C.)
That’s one is my favorite. *

Greg smiles, chuckles, and-

GREG
We were soldiers, once... and
young.

Sets the picture back in its place. He greets his old friend. *

GREG
It’s really good to see you again,
Sir.
*
John, a Major General now, gives Greg a warm, fatherly *
embrace.

GREG *
And, congratulations on your second *
star, Sir. Only two more to go.
28.


JOHN
Shit, trust me. Two is more than
enough. But, damn son, look at you! *

He gives Greg a good once-over.

JOHN
Lieutenant Colonel promotable.
(off Greg’s smile)
I’m damn proud of you, Greg. Happy
with the way you turned your shit *
around.

GREG
If I recall I didn’t have much of a
choice. Let’s see, I think you said
something like, if you don’t show
up, just keep driving.

John, all business, picks up a stack of papers from his desk,
hands them to Greg.

JOHN
I’m assigning you to Division staff
for now, but don’t get too
comfortable. Second and Third
brigades are downrange. You’ll join
the command group there and run OPS *
until they redeploy. *

Greg studies his new orders.

JOHN
That should give you time to get *
familiar with the unit and for us *
to- *

GREG
See if I’m ready to take command.

John moves to the edge of his desk and removes a couple from *
cigars from a humidor. *

JOHN
Whatever floats your boat. Either
way, you leave in 30 days and in
six months, you’re either ready or *
not. *

GREG
I know you're doing the hard right
for me here, Sir. Thank you. *
29.


JOHN
Don’t be so quick to thank me yet.
The Boss and I have watched your
progress very closely. Fort Bragg,
one hell of a job. You got even
better at Fort Polk. You’ve made
great progress, but you’re not
there yet.

Greg nods.

JOHN
This is a new start for you, son.
Get it right over there and you get
third brigade, fucking simple, *
right? *

John hands Greg a cigar.

JOHN
Now, if I remember correctly you’re
an Alec Bradley Man, Tempus Maduro,
right?

Greg takes the cigar, nods. They share a smile.
Genres: ["Drama","Military","Psychological"]

Summary In this poignant scene, Greg navigates his struggles with past trauma while attending mental health clinics and participating in group therapy. Initially hesitant to share his story, he grapples with grief and loss, culminating in an emotional release after a run. His journey reflects gradual progress, highlighted by a supportive meeting with Major General John Garrett, who acknowledges Greg's achievements and offers him new responsibilities, symbolizing a turning point in his life.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Resonant themes
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Slow pacing in some parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the protagonist's internal turmoil and growth, setting up a compelling narrative arc.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the protagonist's journey through grief, trauma, and redemption is well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on the protagonist's emotional journey and his struggle to find meaning and purpose after facing devastating loss.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on military life and mental health issues, with authentic character actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, especially the protagonist, showcasing their depth and emotional complexity.

Character Changes: 8

The protagonist undergoes significant emotional growth and transformation throughout the scene, setting up a compelling character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

Greg's internal goal is to come to terms with the trauma of his wife's murder and son's abduction, as well as his own mental health struggles. This reflects his deeper need for healing, closure, and emotional stability.

External Goal: 7

Greg's external goal is to prove himself and progress in his military career, as seen through his interactions with Major General John Garrett. This reflects the immediate challenge of earning a promotion and taking on new responsibilities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The internal conflict within the protagonist drives the emotional depth of the scene, while external conflicts are hinted at for future development.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene, both internal and external, adds complexity and conflict to Greg's story, creating uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes of the protagonist's personal journey, including his search for redemption and healing, add tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the protagonist's emotional journey and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in terms of Greg's emotional journey and the challenges he faces, keeping the audience engaged.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between Greg's personal trauma and his professional ambitions. This challenges his beliefs about duty, sacrifice, and personal growth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly through the protagonist's journey of grief and resilience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and inner conflicts, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional depth, character development, and the tension between personal and professional goals.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional impact, contributing to its effectiveness in conveying the character's journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, enhancing readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined settings and character interactions, fitting the expected format for its genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Greg's emotional journey through the use of various settings, transitioning from mental health clinics to running trails, which symbolizes his struggle and gradual recovery. However, the transitions between locations could be more fluid to enhance the narrative flow.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which can be effective in conveying Greg's internal struggle, but it may also leave the audience wanting more depth in his interactions with others. The lack of dialogue in the therapy sessions could be a missed opportunity to explore the dynamics of group therapy and how Greg's silence impacts the group.
  • The use of visual imagery, such as Greg running in the rain and collapsing in despair, is powerful and evokes strong emotions. However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience further into Greg's experience, such as the sounds of the rain or the feelings of exhaustion and grief.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven at times. The rapid shifts from one location to another may disorient the audience. A more deliberate pacing could allow for deeper emotional resonance, particularly during Greg's moments of vulnerability.
  • The introduction of Major General John Garrett serves as a pivotal moment in Greg's journey, but the transition from Greg's emotional breakdown to this new chapter feels abrupt. More buildup to this meeting could enhance the significance of Greg's progress and the weight of his past.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue or flashback during the therapy sessions to provide insight into Greg's thoughts and feelings, which could help the audience connect with his character on a deeper level.
  • Incorporate more sensory details in the running scenes to enhance the emotional impact. Describe the sounds, smells, and physical sensations Greg experiences to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • To improve pacing, consider using longer transitions between scenes to allow the audience to absorb Greg's emotional state. This could involve lingering on his expressions or reactions before moving to the next location.
  • Explore the dynamics of the therapy group more thoroughly. Perhaps include a moment where another participant shares their story, prompting Greg to reflect on his own, even if he ultimately chooses not to speak.
  • When introducing Major General John Garrett, consider adding a moment of tension or hesitation from Greg before the meeting to emphasize the significance of this encounter and the weight of his past decisions.



Scene 12 -  Fading Memories
56 EXT. GREG’S NEW HOUSE - FRONT YARD - DAY 56 *

A FOR SALE sign with the word SOLD in bold letters sits in *
the front yard.

57 INT. GREG’S NEW HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - DAY 57 *

Greg, dressed in casual clothes, stands near the front door,
as familiar sounds slowly creep through the room.

-- Brandon’s laughter.

-- A hammer banging.

-- Rusty’s barking, and -

Across the room, a blurred image slowly appears, it’s -

Angie.

She looks exactly the way she did 10 years ago. She’s dressed *
in a white tee-shirt, sneakers, and blue jeans... her hair
pulled back into her customary bun. She’s busy hanging a *
colorful painting in the space over the fireplace. *
30.


She takes a step back, eyeballs her work, when suddenly -

Rusty, barking, flashes full speed past her feet. *

Rusty stops, turns... barks. Greg looks and spots three-year- *
old Brandon running into the room.

ANGIE
No running in the house!

Greg smiles fondly as Brandon continues his pursuit of Rusty *
As Greg watches -

Furniture, curtains, flooring, decorations, paintings, and
other home settings slowly morph into their proper places. *

ANGIE (O.C.)
So, what do you think?

Greg turns... looks at Angie. She gives him her best Vanna
White pose in front of the painting on the wall. He smiles.

Brandon giggles. Greg turns in time to see Brandon and
Rusty’s images slowly fading away. He glances back at Angie.
Her image is also fading.

He watches with tormented eyes as the visions of the people,
and the life he still loves and desires so very much, slowly
and completely fade away.

Tears run down his face and we see that Greg’s dressed in his *
Army MCU uniform now. The house is quiet, the rooms are *
complete with the furniture, decorations, and fixtures from
his vision.

A single manila folder rest on a living room table. He picks
up his backpack and backs out the front door. *

JASPER (PRE-LAP) *
I swear I didn’t fuck you man. I
would never do that to you, bruh. *


58 EXT. DARK ALLEY - NIGHT 58 *

Cold, dark... drizzling rain swirls around a mounted light *
perched on an alley building when suddenly a series of loud, *
heavy thumps, a painful cry, and a low moan followed quickly *
by and the tell-tale slide and clank of a round being *
chambered.

SUPER: ATLANTA
31.


JASPER (16), bloodied and badly bruised face, lay curled on *
the wet ground. He looks up at ANDREW (20) tall, strong *
frame, braided hair and, JOSH (18) short, slim, short hair. *

DONTRELL (20), average height, hoodie pulled over his head, *
nervous, jittery hovers in the background.

JASPER
Please, I swear, man. I didn’t do
shit wrong. Tell em, Dontrell, tell *
em, I-

Andrew cut a “what the fuck you know” look to Dontrell. *
Dontrell quickly, frightfully looks away. There’s no way he’s *
going to say shit.

JASPER *
Come on, man! Tell him, I- *

In a flash, Andrew pounds Jasper viciously with his pistol. *

ANDREW
Shut (hit) your (hit) fucking (hit)
mouth!

Jasper cries out with each blow. He sobs uncontrollably. He *
lies helpless, trembling, bleeding.

ANDREW
Mutha-Fucka, I know you didn’t
steal my shit! But this ain’t about *
that. This bout you running around
telling people you did. Trying to
make your game large by putting my
name in the street. You fucked up,
son.

Jasper exhales and his body suddenly relaxes, and in a
measure of finality, he submits, accepting his inevitability,
as Andrew places the barrel of his gun against his head. *

JASPER
This shit ain’t right, man. *

Andrew chuckles, speaks softly, convincingly. *

ANDREW
Shit never is, brother. *

He pulls the trigger.

BANG!
32.


Jasper’s head explodes against the alley floor. Andrew fires *
a second shot, watches as blood oozes from Jasper’s lifeless
body... he raises his left foot to reveal speckled blood
spots on his pristine white sneakers. *

ANDREW
Fuck! *
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary In this poignant scene, Greg stands in his new house, reminiscing about his past life with Angie and their son Brandon, who playfully interacts with their dog Rusty. As he admires the vibrant memories, they gradually fade away, leaving him alone in his Army uniform, filled with longing and sorrow. The bittersweet atmosphere underscores his internal struggle with loss as he exits the house, leaving behind a manila folder, a symbol of the life he once cherished.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Compelling themes
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is powerful and impactful, effectively conveying the emotional turmoil and tension present in the characters' lives.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of memories fading away, juxtaposed with a violent and tragic event, is compelling and thought-provoking.

Plot: 9

The plot is intense and gripping, with a focus on the aftermath of a violent confrontation and the emotional journey of the protagonist.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to the theme of loss and moving on, blending elements of nostalgia, regret, and acceptance in a compelling way. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their emotions are portrayed realistically, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The protagonist undergoes a significant emotional journey, grappling with grief and regret.

Internal Goal: 9

Greg's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the loss of his family and the life he once had, as symbolized by the fading images of Angie, Brandon, and Rusty. This reflects his deeper need for closure, acceptance, and healing from past trauma.

External Goal: 8

Greg's external goal is to leave the house and move on from his past, as shown by him picking up his backpack and walking out the front door. This reflects the immediate challenge of letting go and starting a new chapter in his life.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with intense emotions and a violent confrontation driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Greg facing internal and external challenges that test his resolve and push him towards growth and change. The conflict between his past and present selves adds depth and complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with the protagonist facing the loss of his family and the repercussions of a violent confrontation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by delving into the protagonist's emotional state and the consequences of his actions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional twists and turns, such as the fading images of Greg's family and his sudden transformation into his military uniform. These surprises add layers of complexity to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of loss, acceptance, and moving on. Greg's struggle to let go of his past life and embrace the present challenges his beliefs about love, family, and identity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, particularly sadness and tension.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and serves to enhance the emotional and tense atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, relatable themes, and compelling character dynamics. The gradual reveal of Greg's internal struggle and external challenges keeps the audience invested in his journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and emotion leading to a poignant climax. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue. The visual and auditory cues are well integrated, enhancing the reader's immersion in the story.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a clear progression from past memories to present reality, effectively conveying Greg's emotional journey and internal conflict. The formatting enhances the visual and emotional impact of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Greg's emotional turmoil and longing for his lost family, using vivid imagery and sensory details to evoke a sense of nostalgia. However, the transition from the joyful memories to the stark reality of his loneliness could be more impactful with a stronger visual contrast.
  • The use of sound is particularly effective, with the laughter and barking creating a warm atmosphere that sharply contrasts with the eventual fading of these sounds. However, the dialogue from Angie feels somewhat clichéd and could benefit from more depth or specificity to enhance her character's presence, even in a ghostly form.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition from the vibrant memories to the somber reality could be tightened. The gradual fading of the images is poignant, but it may feel drawn out for some readers. A more abrupt shift could heighten the emotional impact.
  • The introduction of the manila folder at the end of the scene is intriguing but lacks context. It would be beneficial to hint at its significance earlier in the scene or to provide a clearer connection to Greg's current state of mind, enhancing the narrative continuity.
  • The abrupt cut to the dark alley scene feels jarring. While it serves to contrast Greg's emotional state with the violence of the outside world, the transition could be smoother. Consider using a visual or auditory cue that links the two scenes more cohesively.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line of dialogue from Angie that reflects her personality or a shared memory with Greg, which could deepen the emotional resonance of her presence.
  • Experiment with the pacing of the fading imagery. A quicker transition from the vibrant scene to the stark reality could amplify the emotional punch.
  • Provide a brief visual or narrative hint about the contents of the manila folder earlier in the scene to create anticipation and a stronger payoff when Greg picks it up.
  • To enhance the transition to the dark alley scene, consider incorporating a sound cue that links the two scenes, such as a distant siren or a gunshot that echoes as Greg's memories fade.
  • Explore the possibility of including a brief flashback or memory that highlights a specific moment of joy with Angie and Brandon, making their loss feel even more profound.



Scene 13 -  Confrontation in the Dark
59 EXT. THOMAS’ HOUSE - NIGHT 59 *

A single light near the front door offers a glimpse of the
old, small, run-downed house. *


60 INT. THOMAS’ HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT 60 *

The room is small, dark. Two small beds dominate what little
space there is.

THOMAS (13), short, thin sits on the floor. His face lit by *
the video game he’s playing on the TV. His head bobs and *
weaves as if he’s dodging invisible punches, when -

The bedroom door flies open and, - *

Andrew and Josh walk in. *

Thomas sits perfectly still, his face racked with fear. *
Andrew violently slaps the game controller from his hands,
then slumps down heavy on one of the small beds. *

ANDREW
Thought I told you to
stay the fuck outta here.
*
Josh looms menacingly over Thomas. *

JOSH
You a fucking retard ain’t cha?

Josh removes a gun from his waistband, presses the barrel
flush against Thomas’ head. Thomas doesn’t react, doesn’t
respond... doesn’t move.

JOSH
You hear me talking to you, boy?

No reaction. Josh eases the hammer of the gun back. *

JOSH
What, you a bad ass now, you think
I won’t-
33.


ANDREW
Let the little bitch be, bro.

Josh holds his gun to Thomas’ head a few seconds more, then
allows the trigger to ease back into position. Thomas stands,
moves quickly towards the door.

ANDREW
Stay the fuck outta here, and...

Andrew tosses his blood satined white sneakers towards *
Thomas.

ANDREW
Clean that fucking blood off my
shit.

Thomas picks up the sneakers and speeds out of the room. *


61 INT. THOMAS’ HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 61 *

A TV plays in the background as we move slowly from Andrew’s
freshly cleaned sneakers through the shabbily decorated room
to -

Thomas sitting on a tattered couch watching TV. *

MIA (PRE-LAP) *
Have you seen this crap? *


63 63
INT. KILLEEN HERALD BUILDING - SANDRA GARRETT’S OFFICE - DAY *

A nameplate on a door reads - Sandra Garrett, Digital Editor *
in Chief. *

Sandra sits at her oversized desk talking on the phone when
MIA HODGES (30) animated and waving papers, speeds into the *
room.

Mia is remarkably attractive, average height with long dark
hair. Her smooth caramel skin compliments her sultry, curvy
figure.

MIA
Please tell me you you’ve read *
this?

SANDRA
I’ll call you back.

Sandra hangs up the phone.
34.


SANDRA
That depends on what “this” is.

Mia hands Sandra the papers. Sandra peeks over the top of her *
stylish, tiny rimed reading glasses.

SANDRA
Who do you think approved it?

MIA
You're pushing my story?! Why?! *
It’s a good piece.

SANDRA
Never said it wasn’t?

MIA
But you’re pushing it behind a text *
link? It should be front and center *
on the splash page! *

SANDRA
You’re still coming over tonight
right?

Mia stops... her head tilts, her brow tightens.

SANDRA
To the house... dinner?

MIA
Oh, yeah... about that. Don’t you
think I’m a little too old for a
blind date? I mean, I’m sure John’s
friend is nice, but-

Sandra cuts her off, her resolve stiffens. She stands, walks *
towards the door.

SANDRA
He’s had some tough times, but he’s
okay now.

She opens the door and the sounds from the busy pressroom
floor rush in. She gives Mia a warm, affirming smile.

SANDRA
You’re going to like him, I *
promise.

Mia glares at her boss, picks up her papers, waves them as
she-
35.


MIA
If I come I at least get a photo *
link and I mean that. *

Speeds out of the office. Sandra smiles, shuts her door.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense scene set in Thomas' dimly lit bedroom, the 13-year-old boy is confronted by Andrew and Josh. Andrew angrily orders Thomas to leave, while Josh threatens him with a gun, pressing it against his head. Despite the intimidation, Thomas remains passive and unresponsive. After a moment of fear, Andrew instructs Thomas to clean blood off his sneakers before leaving, allowing Thomas to quickly exit the room with the sneakers in hand.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Effective character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potential for stereotypical characterizations
  • Limited character development in this scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively creates a dark and intense atmosphere, keeping the audience engaged with the escalating tension and fear present in the interaction.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a vulnerable character facing intimidation and violence is well-executed, drawing the audience into the dark and menacing world of the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the intense confrontation, revealing the power dynamics and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of power dynamics and violence, with authentic dialogue and actions that feel true to the characters' circumstances.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined through their actions and dialogue, showcasing their menacing and intimidating personalities effectively.

Character Changes: 7

Thomas undergoes a moment of fear and vulnerability, potentially leading to character growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Thomas' internal goal in this scene is likely to survive and avoid further harm. His fear and submission reflect his deeper need for safety and security.

External Goal: 7

Thomas' external goal in this scene is to clean the blood off Andrew's sneakers and stay out of trouble. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in the form of physical threats and intimidation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the threat of violence and power play creating a tense and intense atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing physical threats and intimidation that create suspense and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes involve the threat of violence and power play, creating a sense of danger and urgency in the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing conflict, establishing character dynamics, and setting up potential resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden escalation of violence and the uncertain outcome for the protagonist.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the power dynamics and morality of violence. Thomas is faced with the choice of submission or defiance in the face of aggression and danger, which challenges his beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and empathy for the vulnerable character, creating an emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, conveying the tension and power dynamics between the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense conflict, and emotional impact on the characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast-paced and intense, with a rhythm that builds tension and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for a dramatic and intense scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, following a logical progression of events that lead to a climactic moment.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a tense atmosphere through the use of dialogue and action, particularly with Josh's menacing behavior towards Thomas. However, the motivations behind Andrew and Josh's actions could be more clearly defined to enhance the audience's understanding of their characters.
  • Thomas's characterization as a fearful and passive victim is compelling, but it may benefit from a moment of internal conflict or a hint of resilience to make him a more dynamic character. This could create a stronger emotional connection with the audience.
  • The dialogue is impactful, but it leans heavily on profanity and aggression, which may overshadow the emotional stakes. Balancing the harshness with moments of vulnerability or fear could deepen the scene's emotional resonance.
  • The transition from the bedroom to the living room feels abrupt. A smoother transition or a brief moment of reflection from Thomas could help maintain the scene's emotional continuity and provide insight into his state of mind.
  • The visual descriptions are effective in setting the scene, but they could be enhanced by incorporating more sensory details that evoke the atmosphere of the rundown house, such as sounds or smells, to immerse the audience further.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Thomas to provide insight into his thoughts and feelings during the confrontation, which would help the audience empathize with him.
  • Introduce a moment where Thomas contemplates standing up to Josh or Andrew, even if he ultimately chooses not to. This could add depth to his character and create tension as the audience wonders if he will act.
  • Reduce the reliance on profanity in the dialogue to allow for more nuanced expressions of anger and intimidation. This could make the characters' threats feel more impactful and less clichéd.
  • Incorporate a visual or auditory cue that signifies the emotional weight of the moment, such as the sound of a clock ticking or a distant siren, to heighten the tension and draw the audience into Thomas's experience.
  • Consider extending the scene slightly to allow for a more gradual build-up of tension before the confrontation, which could enhance the impact of the moment when Andrew and Josh enter the room.



Scene 14 -  Sweet Memories at Wilson's Bakery
64 EXT. ATLANTA - NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - DAY 64 *

A SERIES OF SHOTS

-- Run down Row style housing and shops.

-- Beat up cars line both sides of the street.

-- School age kids hustle the latest “get-high” packages.

END SERIES OF SHOTS

65 INT. WILSON’S BAKERY - DAY 65 *

The door chimes and Thomas enters, his book bag hanging
halfway off his back. He glances up at -

OLD MAN WILSON (65), medium height, overweight, wearing a
soiled white apron behind the store’s glass counter filled
with the day’s freshly baked offerings.

There isn’t much to the bakery. A single room with a couple
of outdated tables, chairs, fixtures, and wall paintings. The *
place is a clear throwback from the seventies.

WILSON
Hello Thomas. *

Thomas walks behind the counter, lets his book bag fall to
the floor. He reaches under the counter and removes a small
white apron, slides it over his neck.

THOMAS
Hi Mr. Wilson. Cans all ready in
the back?

Wilson smiles, nods. *


66 EXT. WILSON’S BAKERY - BACK ALLEY - DAY 66 *

Thomas quietly empties trash cans... stacks bags of plastic
bottles on empty pallets... sprays the trash cans down with a
hose.
36.

67 INT. WILSON’S BAKERY - DAY 67 *

Thomas sits quietly at a table tearing into an oversized
piece of chocolate cake and sipping from a large glass of
milk. Wilson, a glass of milk in hand, takes a seat at the
table.

WILSON
So how was school today?

THOMAS
Good. We learned about recycling.
(off Wilson’s smile of approval)
How long this store been here Mr.
Wilson?

Wilson gives the store a quick survey, smiles proudly.

WILSON
Well, my dad started the business. *
It was a butcher shop back then. I
started working here when I was
about your age...

Thomas eats, takes it all in.

WILSON
When dad died, I took it over. Me *
and Old Mr. Charlie across the
street there
(off Thomas’ glance)
But, we never liked the meat
business, you know, the blood and
the smell. So Charlie decided to *
open a deli and I turned this place *
into a bakery. I guess that’s been
about, oh... over 40 years ago now.

THOMAS
You and your good pal Mr. Charlie
need to recycle more. You guys are
helping kill the Earth you know.

Wilson smiles, stands, walks over, and looks out the store’s
front window. *
Genres: ["Drama","Slice of Life"]

Summary In a rundown neighborhood of Atlanta, Thomas begins his day at Wilson's Bakery, where he engages in a warm conversation with Mr. Wilson, the owner. As they share a piece of chocolate cake, Mr. Wilson reminisces about the bakery's history and his journey from a butcher shop to a bakery. The scene highlights their mentor-like relationship and shared values, set against the backdrop of a struggling community. The emotional tone is nostalgic and warm, culminating in a reflective moment as Mr. Wilson gazes out the bakery window.
Strengths
  • Authentic character interaction
  • Nostalgic atmosphere
  • Subtle thematic exploration
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited plot progression

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a sense of warmth and nostalgia through the interaction between Thomas and Mr. Wilson, while also subtly addressing themes of generational change and environmental consciousness.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a young boy working in a traditional bakery and engaging in a meaningful conversation with the owner is engaging and offers a unique perspective on community and environmental issues.

Plot: 7

While the scene is more character-driven and focused on atmosphere than plot progression, it effectively establishes the setting and relationships between the characters.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the mentor-student relationship by incorporating themes of environmentalism and generational differences. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Thomas and Mr. Wilson are well-developed and their interaction feels authentic and heartfelt, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 5

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it does provide insight into Thomas and Mr. Wilson's relationship and their values.

Internal Goal: 8

Thomas's internal goal in this scene is to connect with Mr. Wilson and learn more about the history of the bakery. This reflects his desire for knowledge and understanding of the world around him.

External Goal: 7

Thomas's external goal is to complete his chores at the bakery, such as emptying trash cans and stacking bags of plastic bottles. This reflects the immediate tasks he needs to accomplish.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 2

There is minimal external conflict in the scene, with the focus more on internal reflection and connection between the characters.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with subtle conflicts and challenges that create uncertainty and intrigue for the audience. The characters' interactions and dialogue hint at potential obstacles and resolutions.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes are low in this scene, focusing more on personal connection and reflection than high drama.

Story Forward: 5

The scene does not significantly move the main plot forward but adds depth to the characters and themes of the story.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as Thomas's environmental activism and Mr. Wilson's backstory, that add depth and complexity to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between Thomas's concern for the environment and Mr. Wilson's traditional way of running the bakery. This challenges Thomas's beliefs about sustainability and conservation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of nostalgia and warmth, with a subtle emotional depth that resonates with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is natural and reflective, capturing the essence of the characters and their relationship while also subtly addressing important themes.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it establishes a strong emotional connection between the characters, introduces conflict and tension, and provides insight into their motivations and backgrounds.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, revealing character motivations and conflicts, and maintaining the audience's interest and investment in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a character-driven drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a contrast between the rundown neighborhood and the warmth of Wilson's Bakery, which serves as a refuge for Thomas. This juxtaposition highlights the challenges faced by the characters in their environment.
  • The dialogue between Thomas and Wilson is charming and serves to develop their relationship. However, it could benefit from more subtext or conflict to deepen their interaction. As it stands, the conversation feels somewhat one-dimensional and lacks tension.
  • Thomas's character is introduced as a hardworking and responsible young boy, but the scene could delve deeper into his emotional state. Given the context of the surrounding neighborhood, it would be impactful to hint at his struggles or fears, adding layers to his character.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition between the series of shots and the interior of the bakery could be smoother. Consider using a visual or auditory cue that connects the two settings more seamlessly.
  • While the nostalgic tone of Wilson reminiscing about the bakery's history is effective, it risks slowing down the narrative. The scene could benefit from a more dynamic exchange that keeps the audience engaged, perhaps by introducing a more immediate concern or challenge for Thomas.
Suggestions
  • Introduce a subtle conflict or tension in the dialogue between Thomas and Wilson, such as Thomas expressing concern about the neighborhood or his own aspirations, which could lead to a more engaging conversation.
  • Consider adding a moment where Thomas reflects on his life outside the bakery, perhaps through a brief flashback or a thought that reveals his worries about the neighborhood or his family situation.
  • Enhance the transition between the series of shots and the bakery by incorporating a sound element, like the distant sounds of the neighborhood, that fades as Thomas enters the bakery, creating a more immersive experience.
  • Incorporate a visual element that emphasizes the contrast between the bakery and the outside world, such as a shot of the bakery's window showing the chaos outside, which could serve to heighten the sense of safety and nostalgia within the bakery.
  • Consider ending the scene with a hint of foreshadowing or a moment of unease, such as a brief glimpse of trouble outside the bakery, to create a sense of impending conflict that ties back to the overall narrative.



Scene 15 -  Flirtation and Reflection
EXT. WILSON’S BAKERY - DAY *

We see what Wilson sees... street hoods, dope slingers,
pregnant teenagers, and Charlie’s Deli across the street.

WILSON
Huh... I guess you’re right, son...
I guess your’e right.
37.


He sighs, his face reveals his sadness. *

JOHN (PRE-LAP) *
And I’m standing as high in the
turret as I can, scanning the
entire area...

68 INT. JOHN GARRETT’S HOUSE - STUDY - NIGHT 68 *

The study is buzzing of activity as John and an assembled
group of men and women stand, laughing, talking... all with
drinks in hand.

JOHN
And Green One over here (glances at *
Greg) is nowhere to be seen, but
he’s on the radio telling me, Sir,
I’m serious, I am looking right at
you.

GREG
(to the group)
Because I was 30 feet behind him
the entire time.

The group share a robust laugh. John raises his glass. *
There’s a sense of fatherly pride in his voice.

JOHN
Ladies and gentlemen, to the
Infantry.

They all raise their glasses, and in unison -

THE GROUP
Hoo-ah! To the Infantry!

They down their drinks. The doorbell rings.

SANDRA (V.O.)
Someone get the door please!

JOHN
(to Greg)
That, would be you son.

Greg cuts his boss a curious glance... sits his glass on a
table, and walks to the front door. He opens the door to
reveal -

Mia’s dressed down, but still stunning.
38.


She enters without saying a word, quickly removes her coat.
Greg sneaks a peek at her incredibly curvaceous shape. His
expression, a deadpan giveaway that he likes what he sees.

Mia spins quickly... he’s busted, but there’s a sense that
she got exactly the reaction she was hoping for.

MIA
Hi, I’m Mia, and since I’ve never
seen you around here before...

She hands Greg her coat.

MIA
You must be the one and only
Colonel Greg Thompson.

Greg closes the door, takes note of the sarcasm in her voice -
- decides to play along.

GREG
Actually, I’m the one and only
Colonel promotable Greg Thompson.

Mia, not impressed and definitely not ready to yield the
advantage fires back.

MIA
Ooooh, is that right? I bet you
have your own secret handshake too.

Greg smiles as she makes her way down the hallway, speaking *
to John and the assembled guests as she speeds past the
study.

MIA
Hello John, guys... gals. *
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary The scene opens with Wilson reflecting sadly on his troubled neighborhood outside his bakery. It then transitions to a lively gathering at John's house, where he shares a humorous story, creating a jovial atmosphere. The mood shifts when Mia arrives, teasing Greg and sparking a flirtatious dynamic between them, leaving the group intrigued as the scene concludes.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Character development
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Potential for melodrama
  • Complexity of plot may be overwhelming for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively captures the emotional depth and suspenseful nature of the story, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the protagonist's journey. The dialogue is impactful, and the character dynamics add layers of complexity to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a military officer facing personal tragedy and navigating a complex investigation is compelling and well-executed. The scene effectively explores themes of loss, resilience, and the search for truth.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene, with key developments in the search for the missing son and the protagonist's emotional journey. The tension is heightened, and the stakes are raised, setting the stage for future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique character dynamics and conflicts, with fresh approaches to dialogue and interactions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their interactions feel authentic and emotionally resonant. The protagonist's internal struggles and external conflicts add depth to the narrative, making the audience empathize with his plight.

Character Changes: 8

The protagonist undergoes significant emotional growth and transformation in the scene, grappling with past trauma and facing new challenges that force him to confront his inner demons. This character development adds depth to the narrative.

Internal Goal: 8

Wilson's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with his sadness, as indicated by his sigh and revealed face. This reflects his deeper need for emotional resolution and acceptance.

External Goal: 7.5

John's external goal is to maintain his leadership and camaraderie with his group, as shown through his interactions and toast to the Infantry.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the protagonist facing internal and external challenges that test his resolve and push him to his limits. The tension between characters and the sense of urgency drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Mia challenging Greg's authority and creating tension in their interactions.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the protagonist's search for his missing son and the truth about his wife's death hanging in the balance. The tension and urgency drive the narrative forward, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, advancing the search for the missing son and deepening the protagonist's emotional journey. New revelations and conflicts arise, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected character interactions and conflicts that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

There is a philosophical conflict between Mia and Greg, with Mia challenging Greg's authority and sarcasm. This challenges Greg's beliefs about his position and authority.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, eliciting feelings of sadness, anxiety, and hope in the audience. The protagonist's grief and determination resonate strongly, creating a powerful connection with the viewer.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and serves to deepen character relationships and reveal important plot points. The exchanges between characters are tense and emotional, adding to the overall intensity of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the mix of tension, humor, and character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing dialogue, action, and character interactions to keep the story moving forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene juxtaposes Wilson's somber reflection on the neighborhood with the lively atmosphere of John's gathering, which creates an interesting contrast. However, the transition between these two settings feels abrupt. The emotional weight of Wilson's sadness could be better integrated into the following scene to enhance the thematic connection between the two.
  • Wilson's dialogue is minimal and lacks depth. While his sigh and acknowledgment of his son's words convey sadness, it would be beneficial to expand on his feelings about the neighborhood's decline. This could provide more insight into his character and the stakes involved in the community's struggles.
  • The introduction of Mia is engaging, but her character could benefit from a stronger initial presence. While her playful banter with Greg is entertaining, it feels somewhat disconnected from the previous scene's emotional tone. Establishing a clearer link between her entrance and Wilson's earlier reflections could create a more cohesive narrative flow.
  • The dialogue between John and Greg is humorous and light-hearted, which effectively sets a jovial tone for the gathering. However, it may overshadow the more serious themes introduced by Wilson's scene. Balancing the humor with moments of reflection or tension could enhance the overall impact of the screenplay.
  • The scene lacks a clear emotional arc. While it begins with Wilson's sadness, it quickly shifts to a celebratory atmosphere without fully exploring the implications of Wilson's observations. A more gradual transition or a moment of reflection from Greg or John could help bridge the emotional gap.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment where Wilson reflects on a specific memory or event that illustrates his sadness about the neighborhood. This could deepen the audience's understanding of his character and the community's struggles.
  • Integrate a line or two of dialogue from Wilson that connects his feelings about the neighborhood to the gathering at John's house. This could create a thematic link between the two scenes and enhance the emotional resonance.
  • When Mia enters, consider having her acknowledge the atmosphere of the gathering in a way that contrasts with Wilson's earlier reflections. This could create a more dynamic interplay between the two settings and characters.
  • Introduce a moment of tension or conflict during the gathering that relates back to Wilson's observations. This could serve to remind the audience of the underlying issues in the neighborhood while maintaining the light-hearted tone of the party.
  • Explore the possibility of having Greg or John express a moment of concern or reflection about the neighborhood during the gathering. This could serve to ground the celebratory atmosphere in the reality of their surroundings.



Scene 16 -  A Flirtatious Setup
69 INT. JOHN GARRETT’S HOUSE - DINING ROOM - NIGHT 69 *

The meal is well underway. Sandra, John, and the group from
the study sit at the dinner table. Everyone’s talking at
once. Greg and Mia are seated directly across from each
other. They share the occasional uncomfortable glances.

70 EXT. JOHN GARRETT’S HOUSE - STUDY - NIGHT 70 *

The dinner party is over. Greg hands John a drink... pours *
one for himself, places the bottle on the shelf as Sandra *
walks in.
39.


SANDRA
Greg, will you walk Mia out for me,
please?

Greg sits his drink down, heads for the door.

GREG
Why do I get the feeling this
entire night has been some kind set
up?

JOHN
More like an ambush.

Sandra smiles, give Greg as motherly rub on the shoulder as *
he walks by.

71 EXT. JOHN GARRETT’S HOUSE - NIGHT 71 *

Greg and Mia walk to her car.

GREG
So, how would you rate our blind
date?

MIA
You knew?

GREG
For someone that heads a major
newspaper’s digital content, Sandra *
is not very good at keeping
secrets.

They chuckle.

GREG
If it counts for anything, I had a
pretty good time.

MIA
Really?! We barely said ten words *
to each other all night.

Greg opens her car door.

GREG
Yeah, well... it’s not always *
what’s said.

Mia flashes a flirty look, eases into the car, and starts the
engine. She rolls the window down, looks up at Greg.
40.


MIA
I guess it isn’t. Have a good
night, (flirtatious) the one and
only Colonel promotable Greg
Thompson.

Greg nods with a thin smile as she drives off.

SANDRA (PRE-LAP) *
Don’t give me that crap. He’s nice, *
isn’t he?

72 INT. THE KILLEEN HERALD BUILDING - HALLWAY - DAY 72 *

Sandra and Mia walk briskly down the busy hallway.

MIA
I wouldn’t say that he isn’t.

SANDRA
Well, who knows, maybe you can drop
him a line or two. *

Sandra hands Mia a small piece of folded paper.

SANDRA
Give him something to look forward
to when he gets back from his
deployment.

Sandra opens a door and walks into a conference room filled
with waiting staffers. Mia stops, unravels the paper with
Greg’s name and unit address. She smiles, puts the paper into
her pocket, and walks into the room.

73 INT. UAV CONTROL VAN - DAY 73 *

SUPER: SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE EAST

Two Airmen sit in the UAV control van’s tight confines
surrounded by a bank of TV monitors displaying an overhead
view of a convoy of four Army HUMMVEEs maneuvering cautiously
through a small middle eastern town. *

Greg’s voice springs to life over the radio.

GREG (V.O.)
Eagle Eye 1-9, this is Manchu 3
Alpha, over. *
41.


AIRMAN #1 *
Manchu 3 Alpha, this is Eagle Eye 1- *
9, go ahead, over. *

GREG (V.O.) *
I need you to take a look at the *
building structures 150 meters east
of the intersection at checkpoint *
Harvey, over. *

AIRMAN #1
Roger Manchu 3, this is Eagle Eye 1-
9, stand-by for digital image
download, over.

Airman #1 pushes several buttons on his digital console
screen.

AIRMAN #1
Turn east, fly 95 degrees, 1-200 *
meters.

Airman #2 reaches up, twists a small knob. Pushes a button.
His console beeps.

AIRMAN #2
Turning east 95 degrees, 1-200 *
meters, roger.

He twists a second knob, and we-

AIRMAN #2
Camera’s on and recording.

Slowly morph into the screen and over the UAV flying high
overhead. It banks slowly, silently, turning towards its new
heading and mission.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary During a dinner party at John Garrett's house, Sandra orchestrates a meeting between Greg and Mia, who both realize their blind date was a setup. As Greg walks Mia to her car, they engage in light-hearted banter and flirtation, easing the initial awkwardness. Mia expresses surprise at the arrangement and leaves with Greg's contact information, encouraged by Sandra to reach out, while Greg is left smiling after their playful exchange.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Emotional depth
  • Compelling dialogue
  • Mystery elements
Weaknesses
  • Some predictable character interactions
  • Slightly cliched moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension, emotion, and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' struggles. The dialogue is impactful, and the unfolding mystery adds depth to the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of unraveling secrets, dealing with trauma, and searching for answers is well-executed in the scene. It explores the characters' inner conflicts and external challenges, creating a compelling narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging, with a mix of mystery, drama, and thriller elements driving the story forward. The scene introduces new developments and raises questions that keep the audience intrigued.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the dynamics of blind dates and military operations, offering a unique blend of personal and professional challenges.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed, each dealing with their own struggles and motivations. Their interactions and emotional depth add layers to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters experience emotional shifts and revelations in the scene, particularly Greg, who confronts his past trauma and current challenges.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to navigate the complexities of relationships and personal connections, as seen through his interactions with Mia and Sandra.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to fulfill his duties in the military and maintain professionalism in his work as seen in the UAV control van scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, adding tension and suspense to the narrative. The characters' struggles and the unfolding mystery create a high level of conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene adds a layer of conflict and uncertainty, creating obstacles for the protagonist to overcome in both personal and professional spheres.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing personal and professional challenges, a search for truth, and the emotional toll of past traumas. The outcome of their actions has significant consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new developments, deepening character arcs, and raising questions that propel the narrative towards resolution.

Unpredictability: 7.5

The scene is unpredictable in its character dynamics and plot developments, keeping the audience intrigued by the unexpected twists.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the balance between personal relationships and professional responsibilities, challenging the protagonist's beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly sadness, anxiety, and desperation, as the characters grapple with loss, trauma, and uncertainty. The emotional impact resonates with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful, revealing character dynamics, emotions, and conflicts. It drives the scene forward and adds depth to the relationships portrayed.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of humor, tension, and emotional depth, keeping the audience invested in the characters' journeys.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, enhancing the impact of key moments and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for the genre, effectively conveying the visual and emotional elements of the scene.

Structure: 8.5

The scene follows a cohesive structure that effectively transitions between different locations and character interactions, maintaining a smooth narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a light-hearted yet slightly awkward dynamic between Greg and Mia, which is essential for character development. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to deepen their connection and reveal their personalities beyond the surface level.
  • The use of humor in the dialogue, particularly Greg's comment about the setup, adds a nice touch, but it feels somewhat forced. A more natural flow of conversation could enhance the authenticity of their interaction.
  • The transition from the dinner party to the car scene is smooth, but the emotional stakes could be heightened. The audience should feel more of Greg's internal conflict about moving on from his past while engaging with Mia.
  • Mia's flirtation is a strong element, but it could be more nuanced. Instead of just a flirty look, consider adding a moment where she reveals something personal or vulnerable, which would create a stronger bond between them.
  • The scene ends with a somewhat abrupt transition to the next setting. While it serves to move the plot forward, a more gradual fade or a lingering moment could enhance the emotional weight of their interaction.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more subtext in the dialogue to reveal deeper emotions and motivations. For example, have Greg and Mia discuss their pasts or fears in a way that feels organic to their flirtation.
  • Consider adding a moment of vulnerability for Mia, allowing her to share something personal that would create a stronger emotional connection with Greg.
  • Enhance the tension by having Greg express some hesitation or conflict about moving on from his past, which would add depth to his character and make the audience more invested in his journey.
  • Instead of a simple flirty look, have Mia tease Greg about something specific he said during dinner, which would make their interaction feel more grounded and relatable.
  • Create a more gradual transition to the next scene by including a moment where Greg watches Mia drive away, reflecting on the evening and his feelings, which would add emotional resonance to the scene.



Scene 17 -  Ambush in the Dust
74 INT. GREG’S HUMMVEE - DAY 74 *

Greg, his driver, one soldier sitting in the back, another
manning the .50 Cal turret machine gun... all dressed in full *
battle rattle, alert - their heads on a swivel as they
maneuver down a narrow, bumpy dirt road between decaying *
buildings and run-down shops. *


75 EXT. MIDDLE EASTERN TOWN - DAY 75 *

The HUMMVEE column maneuvers at a steady pace around the
town’s pot-holed riddled street.
42.

76 INT. GREG’S HUMMVEE - DAY 76 *

Greg surveys his outside surroundings. He flashes a look of
concern, his years of military experience kicks in - he gets
the feeling that something’s off today. *


77 INT. MIDDLE EASTERN TOWN - BUILDING #1 - DAY 77 *

An Insurgent peers carefully from a distant window as Greg’s
HUMMVEE column approaches the intersection known as
Checkpoint Harvey and slowly turns east onto a long, narrow *
street.

INSURGENT
(in native voice)
Allah give us victory.

Behind him, six Insurgents race to their weapons and prepare
for the fight.

78 INT. UAV CONTROL VAN - DAY 78 *

Airman #1 stares intensely at his monitor when he spots the *
slight hint of movement on the rooftop of a three-story
building at the end of the long narrow street.

He eases close to his monitor, pushes a small joystick that
causes the UAV’s onboard camera to zoom tight on the
building’s rooftop, until - *

The blurred, dark outline of an insurgent, holding an RPG
fills his screen. Airman #1 lunges for his radio hand mic.

AIRMAN #1
SHIT! AMBUSH!

79 INT. GREG’S HUMMVEE - DAY 79 *

Greg’s head is on a swivel moving quickly, methodically
searching the town’s surroundings. He struggles, trying hard
to discover what’s out of place until he spots -

A SERIES OF QUICK SHOTS

-- A mother snatching up her young daughter and moves
hurriedly across the street into a nearby shop... The door
slams behind them.

-- Two older men rise from their stools and shuffle quickly
into a building, slamming the door behind them.
43.


-- Doors and windows on both sides of the street slam shut,
one after the other and in just a few brief seconds -

END SERIOUS OF QUICK SHOTS

The street is empty now and Greg suddenly gets it. *

The locals know something bad is about to go down. He reaches
for his hand mic just as the HUMMVEE’S onboard radio blares
to life.

AIRMAN #1 (V.O.)
(over the radio)
Ambush! 12 O’Clock! Rooftop! 200
meters!

But, his warning comes too late. Greg looks out at the three-
story building looming high at the end of the narrow street
in time to spot a flash and a plume of smoke. He screams into
his radio hand mic.

GREG
R-P-G!

The RPG round streaks through the air... it misses its mark.
The round impacts and explodes into the ground a few feet
short of the lead HUMMVEE.
Genres: ["Action","War","Drama"]

Summary In a tense scene set in a decaying Middle Eastern town, Greg and his team drive through the streets in their HUMMVEE, sensing impending danger as locals flee and close their doors. An insurgent prepares an ambush, but Airman #1, monitoring from a UAV, spots the threat and urgently warns Greg. Just as Greg realizes the danger, an RPG is fired but misses, exploding short of the HUMMVEE and heightening the suspense.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Realistic portrayal of military tactics
  • Engaging action sequences
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-executed, with a strong focus on building tension and suspense. The action sequences are engaging, and the stakes are high, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a military ambush in a hostile environment is effectively portrayed, highlighting the challenges and dangers faced by soldiers in combat situations.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the protagonist faces a sudden ambush, adding a new layer of conflict and raising the stakes for the characters involved.

Originality: 7

The scene presents a familiar setting of a military ambush in a Middle Eastern town, but the unique details and character interactions add authenticity and freshness to the situation.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show determination and quick thinking in the face of danger, adding depth to their personalities and highlighting their military training.

Character Changes: 6

The characters demonstrate their ability to adapt and respond to unexpected threats, showing growth and development in the face of danger.

Internal Goal: 8

Greg's internal goal is to protect his team and navigate the dangerous situation they find themselves in. This reflects his deeper need for safety and security.

External Goal: 9

Greg's external goal is to survive the ambush and successfully navigate the dangerous situation with the insurgents.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is intense and immediate, with the characters facing a life-threatening situation that requires quick thinking and decisive action.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the insurgents posing a significant threat to Greg and his team, creating a sense of danger and uncertainty for the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters face a life-threatening ambush, with the potential for serious consequences if they fail to respond effectively.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new obstacle for the characters to overcome, setting the stage for further developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden turn of events, unexpected actions of the characters, and the element of danger that keeps the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between the values of the insurgents, who believe in victory through violence, and Greg's values of protecting his team and maintaining peace.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes fear and anxiety in the audience, as they witness the characters' struggle to survive in a hostile environment.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is focused on conveying urgent information and commands, reflecting the tense and high-pressure situation of a military ambush.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, intense action, and suspenseful build-up to the ambush, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with quick cuts and escalating action leading to a climactic moment of the ambush.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for an action sequence in a screenplay, with clear scene headings and descriptions of character actions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a tense action sequence in a war film, with clear pacing and escalating tension leading to a climactic moment.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the use of quick cuts and the sense of impending danger, which is a strong technique in action sequences. However, the pacing could be improved by varying the length of shots to create a more dynamic rhythm, especially during the moments leading up to the ambush.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works well in a high-stakes situation, but it might benefit from a few lines that reveal more about Greg's character or his relationship with his team. This could help the audience connect with him on a deeper level, making the stakes feel more personal.
  • The description of the setting is vivid, but it could be enhanced by incorporating sensory details beyond just visual cues. For example, describing the sounds of the environment, such as distant gunfire or the chatter of locals, could immerse the audience further into the scene.
  • The transition between the HUMMVEE interior and the external environment is clear, but the shift to the UAV control van feels abrupt. A smoother transition or a brief moment of tension in the HUMMVEE before cutting to the UAV could enhance the flow of the scene.
  • The use of the insurgent's prayer adds a layer of cultural context, but it could be more impactful if it were juxtaposed with Greg's internal thoughts or a flashback that highlights his own beliefs or experiences in combat. This would deepen the thematic resonance of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of dialogue or internal monologue for Greg that reflects his concerns or fears about the mission, which would help to humanize him and create empathy from the audience.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere, such as the sounds of the town or the tension in the air, to make the scene feel more immersive.
  • Experiment with the pacing by varying shot lengths and incorporating longer, more suspenseful shots leading up to the ambush to build anticipation.
  • Smooth out the transition between the HUMMVEE and the UAV control van by including a moment of tension in the HUMMVEE that leads directly into the UAV's perspective.
  • Explore the potential for a thematic connection between Greg and the insurgents, perhaps through a shared experience or belief, to add depth to the conflict and make the ambush feel more significant.



Scene 18 -  Ambush and Counterattack
80 EXT. HUMMVEE COLUMN - DAY 80 *

A second powerful blast. The Insurgents detonate a roadside
bomb too soon... it rocks the column spewing dirt and debris
everywhere. In a flash, the scene transforms into violent
chaos as small arms fire, machine-gun fire, and explosions *
erupt. *

The Insurgents fire, rapid, angry burst of red tracer rounds *
that streak towards the HUMMVEE column. The convoy’s Machine
Gunners open fire releasing a lethal barrage of .50 Cal *
Machine gunfire that tears through the thin buildings.

81 INT. MIDDLE EASTERN TOWN - BUILDING - DAY 81 *

Insurgents flee... they duck for cover... they die. *


82 INT. GREG’S HUMMVEE - DAY 82 *

The HUMMVEE is filled with smoke, steam, and debris. *

GREG
Out! Out! Out!
44.

83 EXT. HUMMVEE COLUMN - DAY 83 *

Greg and the soldiers pile out of the HUMMVEES.

84 EXT. MIDDLE EASTERN TOWN - BUILDING #2 - ROOFTOP - DAY 84 *

Two Insurgents peer down at the chaos below. One shakes
violently as he places an RPG on his shoulder. He presses his
eye against the sight, fires... SWOOSH!

The poorly aimed RPG round streaks downward, exploding hard
against the ground, missing its HUMMVEE target by twenty
yards or more.

85 EXT. GREG’S HUMMVEE - DAY 85 *

The gunner on Greg’s .50 Cal Machine spins... he follows the *
missed RPG’s contrail back to its start point and spots the
two Insurgent RPG gunners working feverishly to load a second
round. He flashes an angry - not today mutha-fuckers - look *
as he -

Squeezes the .50 Cal’s butterfly trigger, and - *

Sends a barrage of violent and lethal orange tracer rounds *
streaking towards the rooftop attackers.

86 INT. MIDDLE EASTERN TOWN - BUILDING #2 - ROOFTOP - DAY 86 *

The streaking tracer rounds rip and tear into the Insurgents *
sending blood, flesh, and body parts flying everywhere. *


87 EXT. MIDDLE EASTERN TOWN - MULTIPLE BUILDINGS - DAY 87 *

Twenty Insurgents race and scream loud, chaotic from several *
buildings. Their fire poorly aimed, their attack grossly
uncoordinated.

88 EXT. GREG’S HUMMVEE - DAY 88 *

Greg spots the Insurgent’s assault. Crouched, he raises his *
weapon and shuffles forward with confidence placing well-
aimed rounds onto his disorganized attackers. He shouts to
his men.

GREG
Follow me!
45.


The men follow his lead, all firing with pinpoint accuracy at
the attacking Insurgents.

SWOOSH... BLAST!

An errant RPG slams hard, exploding against the side of a
building near Greg. But, Greg isn’t phased. He continues to
lead his men forward, each placing well-aimed rifle fire on *
their attackers.
Genres: ["Action","War","Drama"]

Summary In a tense and chaotic scene, a roadside bomb detonates prematurely, leading to an insurgent ambush on a HUMVEE column. Soldier Greg quickly takes charge, ordering his men to exit the vehicles and retaliate against the attackers. Amidst the chaos of gunfire and explosions, Greg leads a counterattack, effectively directing his men and eliminating threats from insurgents on a rooftop. The scene captures the urgency and danger of combat as Greg confidently pushes forward with his team.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Realistic portrayal of war
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue
  • Focus on action over dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with intense action sequences, emotional depth, and strong character development. It effectively conveys the chaos and danger of a war zone.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a military operation in a hostile environment is well-executed, with realistic action and a focus on the bravery and leadership of the characters.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the intense battle scene, showcasing the challenges and risks faced by the characters. It adds depth to the story and highlights the characters' resilience.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its realistic depiction of combat, authentic dialogue, and fresh approach to portraying the chaos and violence of war.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters show bravery, determination, and leadership in the face of danger. Greg's heroic actions and leadership skills shine through, adding depth to his character.

Character Changes: 7

The characters show growth and development through their actions and decisions during the battle. Greg's leadership skills and bravery are highlighted, showcasing his character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to lead his men with confidence and bravery in the face of danger. This reflects his deeper need for leadership, courage, and the desire to protect his team.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to defend against the attacking Insurgents and successfully navigate the chaotic conflict. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing in the war zone.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is intense and constant throughout the scene, with the soldiers facing multiple threats and challenges. The battle creates a sense of urgency and danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple challenges and obstacles that test his leadership and combat skills.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are extremely high in the scene, with the characters facing life-threatening situations and intense combat. The outcome of the battle has significant consequences for the characters and the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by showcasing a key battle in the characters' journey. It adds depth to the plot and sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden twists and turns in the combat situation, where the outcome is uncertain and the characters face unexpected challenges.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between violence and protection. The protagonist must engage in violent actions to protect his team, which challenges his beliefs about the morality of war and the value of human life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, bravery, and determination. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and sacrifices, creating a powerful emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is focused on commands, urgency, and communication during the battle. It effectively conveys the tension and chaos of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, high stakes, and fast-paced narrative that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and intense rhythm that mirrors the chaos and urgency of the combat situation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre of military action, with clear action beats, dialogue, and descriptions of the setting.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the chaos of a military engagement, utilizing vivid imagery and action to convey the intensity of the moment. However, the pacing could be improved; the transition from the roadside bomb explosion to the ensuing chaos feels abrupt. A brief moment of shock or hesitation from the characters could enhance the realism of their reactions.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which is appropriate for a high-stress combat situation. However, adding a few lines of communication between Greg and his men could help establish camaraderie and provide insight into their personalities. This would also serve to heighten the stakes as the audience becomes more invested in the characters.
  • The description of the action is strong, but it could benefit from more sensory details. For instance, incorporating sounds, smells, and the physical sensations of the environment (like the heat of the explosions or the grit of the dirt) would immerse the audience further into the scene.
  • The use of technical terms like 'butterfly trigger' and 'tracer rounds' may alienate some viewers who are not familiar with military jargon. Consider simplifying some of the language or providing context through character reactions or dialogue.
  • The scene lacks a clear emotional anchor. While the action is engaging, it would be more impactful if we could see Greg's internal struggle or fear amidst the chaos. This could be achieved through brief flashbacks or internal monologue that connects his current situation to his past experiences.
Suggestions
  • Introduce a moment of hesitation or shock after the bomb explodes to allow characters to react to the chaos before diving into action.
  • Incorporate brief dialogue exchanges between Greg and his soldiers to build character relationships and enhance the emotional stakes of the scene.
  • Add sensory details to the action sequences, such as the sounds of gunfire, the smell of smoke, and the heat from explosions, to create a more immersive experience.
  • Simplify some of the military jargon or provide context through character reactions to ensure the scene is accessible to all viewers.
  • Include an emotional element by showing Greg's internal thoughts or flashbacks during the chaos, connecting his current experience to his past trauma.



Scene 19 -  Final Assault and Intimidation
89 EXT. MIDDLE EASTERN TOWN - BUILDING #3 - DAY 89 *

A wave of Insurgents rush from one of the buildings, this is
their final assault. But, Greg and his men are ready. The
three HUMMVEE Machine Gunners release a lethal barrage of .50
Cal tracer fire, ripping the attackers to pieces.

90 EXT. HUMMVEE COLUMN - DAY 90 *

Greg and his men reach the front of the column. They drop to
their knees, and fire with precision, discipline and purpose.
They change magazines with the synchronized grace of ballroom
dancers, and with every round fired -

They completely fuck up the last of the attacking Insurgents.

GREG
Cease fire! Cease fire! Cease fire!

The men respond. They quickly release used magazines,
replacing them with fully loaded ones. Greg stands, surveys
the street filled with the carnage of the Insurgents smoking,
bloodied dead bodies. *


91 INT. UAV CONTROL VAN - DAY 91 *

The two Airmen stare dumbfounded at their monitors. They look
at each other, barely believing what they just witnessed. *


92 INT. ATLANTA PD - INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY 92 *

The room is small, the walls are bare and dirty. Three chairs *
and a small table sit in the middle of the room. Josh sits
slumped in one of the chairs sporting a, I don’t give a fuck, *
shit eating-grin.

Standing across the room is Atlanta Police Detective WALTER
“METZ” METZGER (40), African-American, strong, well-dressed.
46.


Metz is 6’2, 215 pounds, and he’s built like an NFL
linebacker with the menacing looks of a Marine Corps Drill
Sergeant.

Metz partner, Detective NELSON BEAM (25), medium build,
babyface stands near the table with Josh.

JOSH
Damn Metz, why you and baby boy
wonder always try-n to fuck with me *
when ya know you ain’t got shit?

Beam slaps Josh hard across the back of his head.

DETECTIVE BEAM
That’s Detective Metzger and I’m
Detective Beam you filthy piece of *
ass jizz!

Josh recovering after the slap. *

JOSH
Fuck you! You ain’t got shit! You
ain’t never got shit! *

DETECTIVE METZ
We got your dumb ass close to the *
murder scene asshole! That’s what
we got!

Josh chuckles, taunting. *

JOSH
Yeah, well, we ain’t throwing hand *
grenades mutha-fucker, so being *
close don’t mean shit. *

Josh flashes a shit-eating grin that sends Metz over the
edge. He rushes the table, stopping inches from Josh’s face. *
Josh flinches, cowers.

METZ
You murdering little cock sucker! I
will rip that stupid grin right off
your fucking face and skull fuck
you to death!

Metz harsh glare and clenched fist cut through Josh like
razor blades and daggers. Metz takes a few moments, calms
himself, remains in Josh’s private space... speaks softly.
47.


METZ
Yeah Josh. Everyone on the street
knows you swing both ways and how *
much you love holding a hard one in
your mouth until the swelling goes
down.

Josh tries to glance away... Metz remains close, still,
glaring... Beam leans in from the other side. *

BEAM
Your sexy little girlfriend told me
last night after she swallowed my
load that she taught you everything
you know about deep throating.

METZ
Look at him, Beam. The little bitch
is thinking about wrapping his
nasty cock sleeve around your shit *
right now.

Josh’s glare deepens, his jaw muscles flex.

METZ
You ain’t no gangsta Josh. You just
a little bitch ass pole smoker,
riding the coattails of your
violent no good big brother. But
know this... shit’s getting ready *
to hit the fan.

He whispers into Josh’s ear. *

METZ
We done found us an eye-witness,
boy. *

Josh’s head snaps up.

METZ
Yeah, that’s right.
(off Beam’s glance)
We gone bring down your brother’s *
entire weak ass operation and put
both of your sorry asses in prison.

BEAM
Last chance to save yourself, Josh.

Metz stands, turns his back to Josh.
48.


METZ
But you’d probably like that
wouldn’t you, Josh? Going to
prison, becoming some big dick
Mandingo looking mutha-fucker’s
bitch.

Josh leaps to his feet, but Metz is ready. It’s exactly the *
reaction Metz was hoping would happen. Metz spins, and with a *
swift and violent move, slips Josh’s swing and slams him hard *
against the wall.

Josh barely has time to gasp for air before Metz slams him
face down on the table and for shits and grins... adds a *
swift hard knee to Josh’s groin. Josh doubles over in
excruciating pain, just as-

The interrogation room’s door flies open, and - *

DETECTIVE MACKENZIE “MAC” ARMSTRONG (45), short, fit speeds *
into the room.

MAC
You two, hallway, now!

Metz eases back, allows just enough room for Josh to slump
and fall hard to the floor. Beam laughs as he eases past, *
Mac.

METZ
Go tell your bitch-ass brother I *
said he’s next.

Metz steps over Josh and walks away. Mac watches as Josh
heaves, gasps and moans.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense scene, Greg and his men successfully fend off a final assault from insurgents, showcasing their tactical prowess amidst chaotic gunfire. After commanding a ceasefire, Greg surveys the aftermath while two Airmen observe in disbelief. The scene shifts to an interrogation room where Detective Metz and his partner Beam confront the cocky suspect Josh, using aggressive tactics to break his bravado and reveal his involvement in a murder case. The scene concludes with Metz leaving Josh in pain, ominously warning him about his brother's fate.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Strong character dynamics
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Excessive violence
  • Stereotypical characterizations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly engaging and intense, with a strong focus on conflict and character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a tense interrogation room showdown with aggressive tactics and high stakes is executed effectively.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the detectives confront the suspect, revealing new information and escalating the tension.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh take on a familiar action genre, with realistic dialogue and intense character dynamics. The authenticity of the characters' actions and emotions adds depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, with Detective Metz standing out as a menacing and aggressive figure, while Josh is portrayed as defiant and vulnerable.

Character Changes: 6

Josh experiences a shift in power dynamics and vulnerability during the confrontation.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain control and protect his men during the assault. This reflects his need for leadership and responsibility in a high-pressure situation.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully repel the insurgents and ensure the safety of his team. This reflects the immediate challenge of the assault and the need to defend their position.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high, with physical and verbal confrontations adding to the tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing physical and emotional challenges that test his leadership and decision-making abilities. The audience is kept on edge by the unpredictable nature of the conflict.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the detectives threaten to bring down a criminal operation and put the suspect in prison.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing new information and escalating the conflict.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' interactions and the escalating tension. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's sense of duty and the violent actions required to achieve his goals. This challenges his beliefs about the necessity of violence in war.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes strong emotions of tension, fear, and aggression.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and adds to the intensity of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, conflict, and character dynamics. The high stakes and fast-paced dialogue keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, as well as allowing for moments of character development and conflict resolution. The rhythm of the action keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling. The formatting helps to maintain the flow and clarity of the action.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and drama.


Critique
  • The transition from the intense action of the HUMMVEE assault to the interrogation room is jarring. While the contrast between the two scenes can be effective, the abrupt shift in tone may confuse the audience. The writer should consider a smoother transition that maintains the tension or thematic connection between the two scenes.
  • The dialogue in the interrogation room is aggressive and confrontational, which effectively establishes the characters' personalities. However, some of the language feels overly crude and may detract from the seriousness of the situation. Striking a balance between tough talk and meaningful dialogue could enhance the impact of the scene.
  • The characterization of Josh as a cocky, defiant suspect is clear, but the scene could benefit from deeper exploration of his motivations and background. Providing hints about his relationship with his brother or the circumstances that led him to this point would add layers to his character and make the audience more invested in the outcome.
  • The physicality of the confrontation between Metz and Josh is well-executed, but it risks overshadowing the narrative's emotional stakes. The writer should ensure that the violence serves the story rather than becoming gratuitous. Consider focusing on the psychological tension as much as the physical altercation.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. The interrogation starts with a rapid-fire exchange, but then slows down significantly with Metz's monologue. Maintaining a consistent rhythm throughout the dialogue would help keep the audience engaged and heighten the tension.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or a visual cue that connects the aftermath of the HUMMVEE assault to the interrogation scene, such as a news report or a character's reaction to the violence.
  • Revise some of the dialogue to maintain the aggressive tone while reducing the reliance on crude language. This could make the characters' threats feel more impactful and less cartoonish.
  • Incorporate subtle hints about Josh's backstory or his relationship with his brother throughout the interrogation to create a more nuanced character and increase audience empathy.
  • Balance the physical confrontation with emotional stakes by including moments where Josh's fear or desperation is evident, allowing the audience to connect with him on a deeper level.
  • Ensure that the pacing remains consistent by interspersing quick exchanges with moments of tension, allowing the audience to absorb the weight of the situation without losing momentum.



Scene 20 -  Tension at the Atlanta PD
93 EXT. ATLANTA PD - HALLWAY - DAY 93 *

Mac, angry steps to Metz and Beam. *

MAC
What the fuck wrong with you two?! *
Are you trying to get our only eye
witness to at least six murders
killed before he can testify? *

METZ
Dontrell is fine, Boss. He’s out of *
town getting his girl and kid
squared away, that was part of the
deal. He’s in touch and when he’s
done he’ll turn himself in.
49.


MAC *
You’d better be right. We’re close
to shutting this little prick and
his brother down for good so you
two better not fuck this up.

She shakes her head as she speeds down the hallway. *


94 INT. PLANE - NIGHT 94 *

A hand clutching a small stack of envelopes, all addressed
from Mia slowly gives way to Greg, fast asleep on a plane
filled with sleeping soldiers.

95 INT. VARIOUS LOCATIONS - DAY/NIGHT 95 *

MONTAGE OVER SONG - GREG AND MIA SPENDING QUALITY TIME
TOGETHER

-- Greg and Mia sit opposite each other in a crowded
restaurant enjoying a meal.

-- Greg and Mia stroll down a charming river walk laughing
and talking. They’re a little closer to each other now.

-- Greg and Mia hold hands, laughing as they exit a theater. *

-- Dark. Quiet. Greg and Mia lie in bed together under the
covers. Mia is fast asleep, her head resting comfortably in
his arms. Her small hand barely covering the dark three-inch *
scar on his chest. *

END MONTAGE

96 EXT. ATLANTA STREET CORNER - DAY 96 *

A police cruiser slows to a stop in a rundown part of town. A
young street thug, head on a swivel, eases up to the car and *
hands the Officer a bulky envelope. The Officer inspects the *
thick wad of money inside. The Officer smiles and slips the *
young street thug a photo.

The police cruiser car pulls away. The young street thug *
scowls at the photo and the writing in the lower margin that
reads, Dontrell Henderson, two o’clock, Charlie’s Deli. *


97 INT. WILSON’S BAKERY - DAY 97 *

Thomas quietly sweeps.
50.

98 EXT. BROWN CAR - DAY 98 *

A brown car sits in the distance down the street from *
Charlie’s Deli.

99 INT. BROWN CAR - DAY 99 *

We see the POV from someone inside the car watching as a *
black male, twenty at best, dressed in loose baggy clothes
turns the corner and walks swiftly, cautiously down the *
street.

A dark hoodie covers his head... his head is down, but we *
recognize him because we’ve seen him before... it’s Dontrell
and he’s nervous as hell. *

He stops, takes a troubled hard draw from his cigarette, and
a quick survey of the area. He flicks the cigarette to the
ground, and walks, into - *

Charlie’s Deli.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary In this tense scene, Mac confronts Metz and Beam at the Atlanta Police Department, expressing his anger over their management of key witness Dontrell's safety in a murder case. Despite Metz's assurances that Dontrell is safe and out of town, Mac remains skeptical and warns them not to jeopardize the case. The scene shifts to a montage of Greg and Mia enjoying their relationship, contrasting with a street thug bribing a police officer for information about Dontrell. The scene concludes with a nervous Dontrell approaching Charlie's Deli, heightening the tension surrounding his precarious situation.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Compelling concept
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity in certain character motivations
  • Some cliched elements in the genre

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written with a good balance of tension, emotion, and character development. It effectively sets up the stakes for the upcoming events and keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an undercover operation to protect a key witness in a murder case is compelling and adds depth to the overall story. It introduces a sense of urgency and danger.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and raising the stakes for the characters. It sets the stage for further developments.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the crime genre, with complex characters and moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined and their motivations are clear. The scene allows for some character development, especially in terms of trust and loyalty.

Character Changes: 7

Some characters experience growth and change in this scene, particularly in terms of trust and loyalty. Their actions reflect their internal struggles.

Internal Goal: 8

Mac's internal goal is to protect the witness and ensure justice is served. This reflects his deeper desire for order and justice in a chaotic world.

External Goal: 7

Mac's external goal is to shut down the criminals and bring them to justice. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in his job as a detective.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing danger and uncertainty. The tension is palpable, keeping the audience on edge.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Mac facing challenges from both external forces and internal conflicts. The audience is left unsure of how he will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with characters facing danger and moral dilemmas. The outcome of the undercover operation could have serious consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and raising the stakes for the characters. It sets the stage for future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the plot. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome of the characters' actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the desire for justice and the temptation to cut corners or compromise in order to achieve it. This challenges Mac's beliefs in the system and his own moral code.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions, including fear, sadness, and hope. The characters' struggles and the high stakes contribute to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and serves the purpose of advancing the plot and revealing character dynamics. It effectively conveys the tension and emotions of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, intense dialogue, and fast-paced action. The conflict and tension keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and action descriptions. The dialogue is formatted correctly and adds to the overall flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes tension through Mac's confrontation with Metz and Beam, highlighting the stakes involved with the witness, Dontrell. However, the dialogue could be more dynamic; it feels somewhat expository and lacks the emotional weight that could elevate the stakes further.
  • Mac's anger is clear, but the scene could benefit from more physicality or visual cues to convey her frustration. For instance, showing her pacing or using more aggressive body language could enhance the emotional impact.
  • The transition from the confrontation to the montage of Greg and Mia feels abrupt. While montages can be effective, the emotional connection between the two scenes could be strengthened by a more gradual transition or a thematic link that ties Mac's urgency to Greg's personal life.
  • The montage itself is visually engaging, but it risks feeling like filler if it doesn't serve the narrative purpose. It would be beneficial to ensure that each moment in the montage reflects character development or foreshadows future events.
  • The introduction of the street thug and the police officer adds a layer of intrigue, but it could be clearer how this subplot connects to the main narrative. Establishing a stronger link between the thug's actions and the main characters would enhance the scene's cohesion.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more subtext to the dialogue between Mac, Metz, and Beam. Instead of just stating facts, let their personalities and motivations shine through, which can create a more engaging conflict.
  • Incorporate more visual storytelling elements to convey Mac's frustration and urgency. For example, showing her slamming a door or running down the hallway could add to the intensity of the moment.
  • To improve the transition to the montage, consider using a line of dialogue or a visual cue that connects Mac's urgency to Greg's personal life, such as a shot of Greg's photo on Mac's desk as she leaves.
  • Ensure that each moment in the montage serves a purpose in advancing the plot or character development. For instance, include a moment that hints at future challenges or conflicts that Greg and Mia will face.
  • Clarify the connection between the street thug and the main narrative. Perhaps include a line of dialogue or a visual element that ties his actions back to the main characters, reinforcing the stakes involved.



Scene 21 -  Chaos at Charlie's Deli
100 EXT. CHARLIE’S DELI - DAY (MOMENTS LATER) 100 *

An unmarked police car pulls to a stop in front of the deli. *
The doors open and Detectives Metz and Beam step out. They
give their surroundings a long, detailed look, before
slamming their doors shut and walking into the Deli.

101 INT. BROWN CAR - DAY 101 *

The unseen driver starts the engine and drives slowly towards
the deli.

102 EXT. BROWN CAR - DAY 102 *

The car turns into the alley just before Charlie’s Deli.

103 INT. WILSON’S BAKERY - DAY 103 *

Thomas glances out the shop’s window. His eyes pop when he *
spots the brown car turning into the alley. His face fills
with unrestrained fear.
51.

104 EXT. CHARLIE’S DELI - DAY 104 *

The street is quiet, nearly empty. A couple of unassuming
dope boys stroll casually by Metz and Beam’s unmarked car,
when, suddenly -

BANG! BANG! BANG!

Gunshots ring out inside Charlie’s Deli.

BANG! BANG!

The dope boys’ heads snap up, their eyes pop, and they dash *
away.

105 INT. WILSON’S BAKERY - DAY 105 *

Thomas speeds to the door just as Old Man Wilson rushes in
from the back. Thomas spins, looks afraid, speaks in a low,
desperate voice.

THOMAS
Mr. Charlie.

Mr. Wilson speeds across the room, and runs - *

WILSON
Call 9-1-1, and stay here!

Out the door.

Thomas watches as Old Man Wilson sprints across the street *
towards the Deli.

106 EXT. CHARLIE’S DELI - DAY 106 *

Old Man Wilson nears the Deli, pushing past a group of *
fleeing dope boys, when suddenly the Deli’s door flies open,
and -

Josh stumbles out.

Gun in hand, he slams hard into Old Man Wilson.

The impact knocks both men to the ground. The younger and
panicky Josh recovers first. He scrambles to his feet, turns, *
and spots Old Man Wilson just as he stands, and in a
terrifying moment of uncontrolled fear, he fires two shots *
point-blank range into Old Man Wilson’s chest. *

THOMAS
Noooooooo!
52.


Josh looks up and locks onto Thomas sprinting across the *
street. Josh’s eyes tighten. Anger replaces his fear. *

He raises his gun and fires a single shot. He misses. Thomas *
frightened... freezes and flashes an absolute look of
disbelief. They lock eyes. *

Josh glares vehemently, then his expression and demeanor
slowly change. A harsh devious look filled with anger and
hatred washes over his face. He levels his gun, steadies his
aim on Thomas.

Thomas stiffens, his eyes frozen in horror. He has no place
to go, when suddenly - *

The brown car comes speeding down the street. It swerves,
missing Josh at the absolute last moment.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Detectives Metz and Beam arrive at Charlie's Deli just as a brown car approaches ominously. Inside Wilson's Bakery, Thomas is gripped by fear upon spotting the car. Suddenly, gunshots ring out from the deli, sending nearby dope boys fleeing. Old Man Wilson rushes to help but is shot by the panicked Josh, who then turns his gun on Thomas. Just as the situation escalates, a brown car speeds by, narrowly missing Josh, leaving Thomas in shock.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • Emotional depth
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Strong character reactions
  • Plot development
Weaknesses
  • Possible graphic violence
  • Sudden escalation of conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, with intense action, emotional depth, and a significant plot development. It effectively conveys fear, shock, and desperation, keeping the audience engaged throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a sudden ambush and murder at a deli is gripping and adds a layer of suspense to the story. The scene effectively showcases the consequences of violence and betrayal.

Plot: 9

The plot is fast-paced and full of tension, with a major event that propels the story forward. The scene introduces new conflicts and raises the stakes for the characters involved.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh take on a familiar crime scenario, with unexpected twists and emotional depth in character reactions.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions to the ambush and murder reveal their true emotions and motivations. The scene deepens the character development and sets the stage for further exploration of their arcs.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo a significant change in their perception of safety and trust, as they are faced with unexpected violence and betrayal. This experience will likely impact their future actions and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is likely survival and protection. Thomas is driven by fear and desperation as he witnesses the violent events unfolding around him.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is likely to escape the dangerous situation and seek help for Old Man Wilson. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of facing a violent attacker.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with a sudden ambush, murder, and a chase adding to the tension. The characters are faced with life-threatening situations, raising the stakes significantly.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing life-threatening danger and moral dilemmas.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with characters facing life-threatening situations, betrayal, and violence. The outcome of the ambush and murder will have a significant impact on the story and the characters' lives.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new conflicts, raising the stakes, and setting the stage for further developments. It propels the narrative towards a new direction.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected actions of the characters and the sudden twists in the plot.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene could be the struggle between fear and courage, as characters are forced to confront their deepest emotions in the face of danger.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a strong emotional impact, evoking fear, shock, and sadness in the characters and the audience. The sudden violence and betrayal create a sense of unease and tension.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is intense and impactful, conveying the characters' fear, shock, and desperation effectively. It adds to the overall tension and suspense of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, emotional stakes, and unpredictable twists.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast-paced and suspenseful, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, enhancing the reader's understanding of the action.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, building tension and suspense effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the use of sound and visual cues, such as the gunshots and the reactions of the characters. However, the pacing could be improved by adding more internal conflict or emotional stakes for Thomas, which would heighten the impact of the violence he witnesses.
  • The transition from the detectives arriving at the deli to the violent confrontation feels abrupt. While the urgency is palpable, a brief moment of anticipation or foreshadowing could enhance the suspense. For example, showing Thomas's internal struggle or fear before the gunshots could create a stronger emotional connection for the audience.
  • Josh's character is portrayed as panicked and angry, but his motivations could be clearer. Providing a glimpse into his backstory or emotional state leading up to this moment would make his actions more relatable and impactful. Why is he so quick to resort to violence? What drives his anger towards Old Man Wilson and Thomas?
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works well in a tense scene, but adding a line or two that reveals the stakes or motivations could deepen the audience's understanding of the characters. For instance, a desperate plea from Thomas or a taunt from Josh could add layers to their confrontation.
  • The visual descriptions are strong, but the action could benefit from more specificity. For example, detailing the expressions on the characters' faces during the confrontation could enhance the emotional weight of the scene. How does Thomas's fear manifest physically? What does Josh's anger look like in that moment?
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of reflection for Thomas before the chaos erupts, allowing the audience to connect with his fear and vulnerability. This could be a brief flashback or a thought that reveals his relationship with Old Man Wilson.
  • Introduce a line of dialogue from Josh that hints at his motivations or past grievances, which would provide context for his violent actions and make him a more complex character.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to immerse the audience in the scene. Describe the sounds of the deli, the smell of food, or the atmosphere before the gunfire to create a stark contrast with the violence that follows.
  • Explore the aftermath of the gunshots through Thomas's perspective. How does he process the trauma of witnessing violence? This could be conveyed through his thoughts or physical reactions, adding depth to his character.
  • Consider using a tighter focus on the action sequences, perhaps through a close-up of the gun firing or the expressions of the characters involved. This would heighten the intensity and make the violence feel more immediate and personal.



Scene 22 -  Chaos Unleashed
107 INT. BROWN CAR - DAY 107 *

Andrew slams on the brakes, the car skids to a screeching
halt. His eyes wide with disbelief at Thomas standing in the
street.

ANDREW
Get in the fucking car! *

Josh lowers his aim and speeds to the car. *

Thomas, frozen with fear, doesn’t move as faint sounds of
sirens in the background draw near. A crowd of curious *
onlookers eases cautiously out of buildings and shops, some
using their cell phones to record the action in the street.

Andrew opens his car door, leaps out, grabs and drags Thomas
by the arm.

ANDREW
Get your sorry ass in the fucking *
car!

He shoves Thomas into the back seat, slams the door, leaps *
in, and peels away. *


108 INT. BROWN CAR - DAY 108 *

Thomas stares out the back window at Old Man Wilson’s
lifeless, bloodied body, lying face down in the street. *
53.

109 INT. GREG’S HOUSE - OFFICE - DAY 109 *

Greg, beer in hand, walks into his office. He sits at his *
desk, picks up a TV remote, turns on the TV mounted on the *
wall. He flips the channel to CNN, then lowers the volume, *
and opens his laptop. *

ANDREW (PRE-LAP) *
What da fuck happened to you back *
there?! *


110 INT. BROWN CAR - DAY 110 *

The car speeds down a winding back road. Josh, nervous, *
unsettled. *

JOSH
I got the fucking job done didn’t
I?!

ANDREW
Why da fuck did you shoot that old *
dude (to Thomas) and what da fuck
were you even doing there?!

Neither responds. Andrew slams his hand repeatedly against *
the steering wheel.

ANDREW
Got-Dam-It!

111 EXT. BROWN CAR - DAY 111 *

The car speeds down the winding road towards the looming
distant mountains.

112 INT. GREG’S HOUSE - OFFICE - DAY 112 *

The wall-mounted TV is muted as Greg types on his laptop when *
a chime announces the front door opening.

MIA (V.O.)
Hey! I’m home!

GREG
Grab yourself a beer! I’m in the
office!

Greg picks up his beer, shakes it. *
54.


GREG
Make that two beers!

Moments later Mia walks into the office, beers in hand. She
hands one to Greg, leans in. They share a soft, loving kiss.

MIA
Really, Hon? It’s Friday night.
What could you possibly be working
on that’s so important?

GREG
Change of command speech.

Mia plops down in a seat near the desk, sips her beer.

MIA
Let’s go out tonight. Have a good
meal, a few drinks, and finish with
a little...

Her voice trails off, seductively... Greg smiles.

GREG
I do like the way you think.

Mia stands and saunters across the room. She strikes a
seductive pose near the TV.

MIA
Oh, so you are interested in more
than my body? *

Greg smiles, starts to speak, then suddenly goes stiff. His
eyes pop, his face goes flush.

MIA
What? What is it?

Greg leaps to his feet and speeds across the room to the TV *
where a news reporter is surrounded by a sea of reporters,
cameras, police cruisers, and emergency vehicles in front of *
Charlie’s Deli.

The scene behind the reporter is complete with onlookers, *
Officers, and medical personnel. The lower third on the *
screen in bold letters reads, Atlanta Detectives Gunned Down *
in Cold Blood.

Mia flashes Greg a troubled look. *

MIA
Greg? *
55.


Greg spins, dashes back to his desk, cycles through the
channels with the remote.

MIA
Greg, please...

She glances at the TV.

MIA
What’s going on? What- *

She stops as Greg lands on a channel reporting the same
story. On-screen, a different reporter, same chaotic
backdrop, but from this angle we can see the bloodied white
sheet covering Old Man Wilson’s lifeless body.

REPORTER (ON TV)
The shooting started just after two
o’clock. Three young men believed
to be part of a violent local
street gang walked into Charlie’s
Deli and executed two highly
decorated Detectives, the Deli *
owner, and a young black male that *
has yet to be identified.

Mia’s eyes drift slowly over to Greg... his attention is
fiercely locked on the reporting.

REPORTER (V.O.)
And while fleeing from the scene
one of the young men shot and
killed the owner of the shop across
the street as he raced to help his *
long-time friend.

Mia’s attention eases to the TV. *

REPORTER (ON TV)
Police just released photos of the
alleged suspects last seen fleeing
in a brown, mid-sized car...

The reporter continues as photos of Josh, Andrew, and Thomas *
appear on the screen.

Mia, confused, stares. Greg moves quickly across the room and *
opens the desk’s top drawer. He removes a key and speeds with *
purpose to a filing cabinet. He unlocks the cabinet, and *
removes a stack of manila envelopes.

Mia watches, confused as he drops the stack on his desk,
grabs the top envelope and moves quickly back to the TV, but
the images are gone. He grabs the remote...
56.


rewinds back to the pictures of the three suspects... he
freezes the images on the screen.

MIA
Greg, please, what’s going on,
what’s happening?! *

Greg remains focused on the pictures on the TV.

GREG
My son... his picture...

He looks at Mia, realizing at that moment that he never
shared the complete details of his past with her. He stares a
moment, then quickly returns his attention back to the TV.

GREG
Years ago my wife was murdered and
my son was abducted-

MIA
I know all about it Greg.

He flashes a startled look.

MIA
Sandra... she told me everything. I
figured you’d tell when you felt
the time was right. Please don’t be
upset, I love you, and-

Greg flashes a surprised look.

GREG
Brandon, my son was never found.

MIA
What does this have to do with *
those murders? *

Greg doesn't respond. He fumbles to remove what appears to be *
a photo from the manila envelope, holds it up for Mia to see. *

GREG
This rendering is what my son,
would look like if he were he alive *
today.

We stay on Mia as Greg speeds over and holds the Rendered
photo of Brandon up to the TV. Mia’s eyes slowly widen as *
they volley from the photo to the screen. She speaks in a *
low, shocked voice.
57.


MIA
Oh my God.
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Mystery"]

Summary In a tense city street, Andrew frantically urges a shocked Thomas to get into his car as sirens approach, having just witnessed the aftermath of a violent incident involving a bloodied body. Meanwhile, in his office, Greg prepares a speech but is jolted by news coverage of the shooting, leading to a devastating realization about his son’s potential involvement. The scene captures the urgency and fear surrounding the violent event, culminating in a personal crisis for Greg as he grapples with the implications of his son's actions.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Mystery elements
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Slightly predictable reveal about Greg's past

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, combining emotional depth with a sense of urgency and mystery. The shocking revelation and tragic event create a compelling narrative that keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of revealing a character's tragic past while intertwining it with a current crime scene is innovative and adds layers to the storytelling. The scene effectively blends personal drama with external conflict.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with a clear progression from the character's personal revelation to the unfolding tragedy. The scene effectively moves the story forward and raises the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on a crime-related scenario, with unexpected twists and turns that keep the audience engaged. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are complex and relatable, especially Greg and Mia. Their emotional reactions and interactions add depth to the scene. The revelation about Greg's past adds layers to his character.

Character Changes: 8

Greg undergoes a significant emotional change as he reveals his past trauma to Mia and confronts the current tragedy. This experience deepens his character and sets the stage for further development.

Internal Goal: 8

Andrew's internal goal is to protect Thomas and confront the situation at hand. His actions reflect his need to control the situation and his fear of the consequences of their actions.

External Goal: 7

Andrew's external goal is to escape the scene and avoid getting caught by the authorities. His actions reflect his immediate circumstances and the challenges he faces in the moment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is both internal (Greg's past trauma) and external (the unfolding tragedy). The tension is palpable, keeping the audience on edge.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult choices and obstacles that challenge their beliefs and values. The audience is left wondering how the characters will navigate the situation.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the revelation of Greg's past trauma and the unfolding tragedy impacting the characters' lives in profound ways. The emotional and narrative stakes are raised significantly.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about Greg's past and setting up a major plot development with the unfolding tragedy. It propels the narrative towards a new direction.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected events and character choices that drive the narrative forward. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the morality of the characters' actions. Andrew's violent behavior and Josh's involvement in a crime challenge the protagonist's beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, eliciting feelings of sadness, shock, and concern. The revelation about Greg's past and the tragic event create a powerful emotional resonance.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and realistic, capturing the emotional turmoil of the characters. It effectively conveys the shock and confusion of the situation while revealing important information.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, intense emotional moments, and unexpected plot developments. The reader is drawn into the characters' world and invested in the outcome of the scene.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspenseful moments that keep the reader engaged. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness and impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is consistent with the genre and effectively conveys the visual and emotional elements of the story. The use of descriptive language and scene direction enhances the reader's understanding of the action.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined action beats and character interactions. The pacing and formatting enhance the tension and suspense of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension with the chaotic atmosphere surrounding the characters, particularly through the use of sound and visual cues like sirens and onlookers recording the events. However, the emotional stakes could be heightened by delving deeper into Thomas's internal conflict as he witnesses the violence and is forced into the car. This could create a stronger connection between the audience and Thomas's plight.
  • Andrew's aggressive demeanor is established well, but his motivations could be clearer. Why is he so desperate to get Thomas in the car? Adding a line or two that hints at his fear of the consequences or a sense of urgency could enhance his character's depth and make his actions more relatable.
  • The transition between the chaotic scene in the car and Greg's calm office setting feels abrupt. While this juxtaposition can be effective, it may benefit from a smoother transition that emphasizes the contrast in their emotional states. Perhaps a brief moment where Greg senses something is wrong before he turns on the TV could create a more cohesive flow.
  • Mia's entrance into the scene is a nice touch, providing a moment of normalcy before the chaos unfolds. However, her dialogue could be more impactful if it reflected her concern for Greg's well-being rather than just a casual invitation to go out. This would reinforce the emotional stakes for Greg as he grapples with the unfolding tragedy.
  • The reveal of the news report about the murders is a strong plot point, but it could be more dramatic. Instead of having Greg simply react to the news, consider showing his emotional turmoil more vividly. Perhaps he could have a flashback or a moment of panic that connects the current events to his past, enhancing the emotional weight of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate internal monologue or visual cues to express Thomas's fear and confusion more vividly as he is dragged into the car. This could help the audience empathize with his situation.
  • Clarify Andrew's motivations for his aggressive actions. Adding a line that hints at his fear of the consequences or a sense of urgency could make his character more relatable.
  • Create a smoother transition between the chaotic car scene and Greg's office by including a moment where Greg senses something is wrong before turning on the TV.
  • Enhance Mia's dialogue to reflect deeper concern for Greg's emotional state, reinforcing the stakes for him as he faces the unfolding tragedy.
  • Consider adding a more dramatic reaction from Greg upon seeing the news report, such as a flashback or a moment of panic, to connect the current events to his past and heighten the emotional impact.



Scene 23 -  Confrontation and Consequences
113 INT. GREG’S HOUSE - OFFICE - NIGHT (LATER) 113 *

John stares quietly at the rendered photo. Greg, agitated,
pace nearby, his eyes locked on the three images still frozen
on the TV screen.

JOHN
I admit, the rendering, the *
resemblance is damn close, uncanny *
actually, but- *

GREG
It’s him, sir.

JOHN
You can’t be-

GREG
I’ve gotten those renderings done
every year since he was abducted.

He picks up the stack of manila envelopes from his desk,
opens each one by one, handing the contents to John. John *
shuffles slowly through each and in full view -

The rendered photos reveal Brandon aging before our eyes.

Greg walks over to the TV, holds the last photo next to the *
frozen image of Thomas on the screen, and for the first time
we see that the two pictures are - *

Nearly an exact match.

114 EXT. WOODED AREA - DAY 114 *

It’s more night than day. Dark rain clouds move slowly across
the late evening sky. Below, Josh and Thomas are busy
concealing the car with clumps of brush and broken branches.

ANDREW
That’s good. Let’s go.

Andrew walks towards the tree line. *

JOSH
In there?! Fuck that shit! *

Andrew spins.
58.


ANDREW
Every fucking cop in the state is
looking for us right now. They’re
watching every bus stop, train
station, highway, and hotel. We *
need to lay low and tonight we lay *
low in there. So pick up your shit,
and let’s go.

Josh doesn’t move.

JOSH
I ain’t hiding in no mutha-fucking *
woods like some kind of animal, *
bro. I say we find another car and-

Andrew grabs Josh by his collar, slams him hard against the *
car.

ANDREW
You think you calling the shots or
sump-n now, mutha-fucka?! *

JOSH
Yo! What da fuck, man, get-

ANDREW
Shut da fuck, up! We in this shit
because of you! You were the one *
that wanted to smoke Dontrell and
those two cops for a little
payback.

Josh struggles, Andrew slams him against the car, again. *

ANDREW
All you had to do was smoke em,
then slip out the back to the
alley, we let the Dope Boys take
the fall. But your punk ass freaked
the fuck out and ran right out the *
front fucking door where everyone
could see you and then you nut up
and shoot some fucking old dude.

THOMAS (O.C.)
Mr. Wilson.

They both turn and glare at Thomas. Josh releases Andrew. *

THOMAS
His name was Mr. Wilson. He owned
the store across the street.
59.


He was going to help his best
friend, Mr. Charlie... did you kill
him too?

Andrew approaches Thomas. Thomas takes a guarded step back.

ANDREW
What the fuck was yo bitch-ass even *
doing there? *

THOMAS
I work there after school. I
help... helped Mr. Wilson clean, *
get ready for the next day. That
kind of stuff.

JOSH
We should just smoke his little
ass, bro and- *

Andrew regards Josh with hardened resolve and sinister eyes.

ANDREW
You tried that already. Try it
again, and I’ll fucking kill you. *

He cuts Thomas a side glance, then sprints off into the
woods.

Josh scowls at Thomas, picks up his backpack, and sprints
into the woods. Thomas stands, uncertain... cuts a glance
over his shoulder in the opposite direction, then back to his
brothers. *

His eyes reveal the uncertainty of what he should do before *
he turns and sprints towards -

The woodline and his brothers.

JOHN (PRE-LAP) *
For heaven’s sake, son. You just
pinned on Colonel and you’re taking
command in a month.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense night scene in Greg's office, John examines a rendering of a boy resembling the long-abducted Brandon, while Greg insists on its accuracy. Meanwhile, in a daytime wooded area, Andrew confronts his brother Josh about reckless actions that have led them into hiding from the police, resulting in a physical fight. Thomas, caught in the middle, questions Andrew's choices and the impact on their victim. The scene culminates with Andrew threatening Josh, prompting both brothers to flee into the woods, leaving Thomas uncertain about his next steps.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Revelation of crucial information
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched elements in character interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written, engaging, and emotionally impactful, with strong character dynamics and a high level of tension.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a missing son being revealed through rendered photos adds depth and intrigue to the storyline, creating a compelling narrative arc.

Plot: 8

The plot is driven by the revelation of Greg's missing son and the subsequent confrontation with John, leading to a significant turning point in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements such as the rendered photos, the wooded setting, and the moral dilemmas faced by the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions are palpable, especially in the tense interactions between Greg and John.

Character Changes: 8

Greg undergoes a significant emotional transformation as he confronts John and discovers the truth about his missing son, leading to a change in his perspective and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

John's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth about the rendered photos and the potential connection to his abducted son. This reflects his deeper need for closure, his fear of the unknown, and his desire to find his son.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to evade capture and lay low in the wooded area. This reflects the immediate challenge of escaping law enforcement and staying hidden.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Greg and John, as well as the internal conflict within the characters, creates a high level of tension and drama.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals, power struggles, and moral dilemmas. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the tension.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Greg confronts John with evidence of his missing son, leading to a pivotal moment in the storyline.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about Greg's past and setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists, moral dilemmas, and shifting power dynamics. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will act.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between loyalty to family and the consequences of criminal actions. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about right and wrong, loyalty, and survival.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly in the revelation of Greg's missing son and the intense confrontation that follows.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and impactful, effectively conveying the emotions and conflicts between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, intense conflict, and emotional depth. The characters' actions and dialogue draw the audience in and create suspense.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, creating suspense, and maintaining the audience's interest. The rhythm of the dialogue and action keeps the scene moving forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. It is easy to follow and visually engaging.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear action, dialogue, and character development. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively contrasts the tension in Greg's office with the chaotic and violent atmosphere in the woods, highlighting the emotional stakes for both Greg and the brothers. However, the transition between these two settings could be smoother to maintain narrative flow.
  • The dialogue between Andrew and Josh is intense and captures their volatile relationship, but it risks becoming overly expository. The audience may benefit from more subtext in their exchanges, allowing their motivations and emotions to be inferred rather than explicitly stated.
  • Thomas's introduction into the scene adds a layer of moral complexity, but his character could be further developed. His motivations and emotional state are somewhat unclear, which may leave the audience disconnected from his plight.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven at times. The confrontation between Andrew and Josh is gripping, but it could be enhanced by interspersing moments of silence or reflection from Thomas, which would heighten the tension and allow the audience to absorb the gravity of the situation.
  • The use of profanity in Andrew and Josh's dialogue adds authenticity to their characters, but it may also detract from the emotional weight of the scene. Consider balancing the harsh language with moments of vulnerability or introspection to create a more nuanced portrayal of their characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection for Thomas before he confronts Andrew and Josh, allowing the audience to connect with his internal struggle and moral dilemma.
  • Enhance the transition between Greg's office and the wooded area by incorporating a visual or auditory cue that links the two scenes, such as a news report about the shooting that Greg is watching, which could also serve to heighten the stakes.
  • Explore the possibility of using non-verbal cues or body language to convey the tension between Andrew and Josh, allowing the audience to feel the weight of their conflict without relying solely on dialogue.
  • Introduce a moment where Thomas expresses his fear or confusion about the situation, which could deepen his character and make the audience more invested in his fate.
  • Consider revising some of the dialogue to include more subtext, allowing the audience to infer the characters' emotions and motivations rather than having them explicitly stated, which can create a more engaging and immersive experience.



Scene 24 -  A Father's Desperation
115 INT. GREG’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY 115 *

Greg sits at the kitchen table with Sandra and Mia. John,
pacing, is clearly not happy.

JOHN
You’ve come so far.
60.


Greg leaps up, jabs his finger against the rendered photo of *
13-year-old Brandon on the table. A dire sense of urgency on *
his face, he speaks with authority.

GREG
It’s him, John! I know it’s him!
That’s Brandon! *

Greg takes a moment to regain his composure. *

GREG *
I’m his father, John. I have to go *
find him.

SANDRA
How Greg? What can you do? They
killed two Detectives, and- *

GREG
I don’t know Sandra, but I can’t
believe... I won’t believe that
Brandon would do something like
that.

JOHN
Listen to what you're saying! You *
don’t know for sure that this is
actually, Brandon! And let’s say *
that it is, you can’t possibly say
what he’s capable of doing or not
doing, it’s been 10 years since he- *

Greg’s head snaps around, he glares at John.

GREG
I don’t need you to remind me how
long it’s been, sir! I know! I
think about them every day, I...

His voice breaks, trembles. He says nothing for a moment,
then he speaks more seriously, quietly.

GREG
I should have been there for them, *
I should have protected them- *

JOHN
Greg, you can’t do this yourself
again. *

GREG
But, I wanted that job so badly.
The promotions, the... *
61.


Angie didn’t want me to go, she
didn’t want us to move again, *
and... *

He cuts a grief-stricken look at Mia.

GREG
She died because I was selfish, she
died because-

SANDRA
There was no way you could have
known what was going to happen,
Greg. John is right, you can’t keep
blaming yourself.

Mia watches, listens quietly, her face flushed with grief and
sadness.

GREG
What would you do if it were Amy *
John? What would you do? *

John stands, runs his hand through his hair, frustrated. He
walks towards the door... stops. Doesn’t look back.

JOHN
Ten days.

GREG
What?

JOHN
You don’t wrap it up in ten days,
keep driving... and don’t come *
back.

John is gone.

GREG (PRE-LAP) *
I’m sorry, but, I have to do this? *
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In Greg's kitchen, he fervently argues with John about the photo of a boy he believes is his son Brandon, who he thinks is still alive. Greg grapples with guilt over his past decisions and the loss of his family, while John warns him about the dangers of searching for Brandon and sets a ten-day deadline for him to find his son. Sandra supports Greg but urges him to consider the risks, while Mia silently observes the emotional turmoil. The scene is filled with tension and regret, ending with John leaving after giving Greg the ultimatum.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally charged, with strong character development and high stakes driving the narrative forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a father searching for his missing son while grappling with guilt and unresolved emotions is compelling and engaging.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with tension building as the search for Brandon intensifies and the characters' motivations are revealed.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a compelling mystery and emotional conflict, with well-developed characters and authentic dialogue that adds depth and authenticity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are complex and relatable, each dealing with their own internal struggles and conflicts.

Character Changes: 8

Greg experiences a significant emotional shift as he grapples with his past and makes a decision to search for his son, showcasing character growth.

Internal Goal: 9

Greg's internal goal in this scene is to find his missing son, Brandon, and to reconcile his feelings of guilt and responsibility for his family's past tragedies.

External Goal: 8

Greg's external goal is to convince John and Sandra to support his decision to search for Brandon, despite the risks involved.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Greg's desire to find his son and John's concerns for his well-being creates tension and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and emotional obstacles that challenge the protagonist's decisions and motivations.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Greg embarks on a search for his missing son, risking his own safety and emotional well-being in the process.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new goal for Greg and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable due to the characters' conflicting motivations, emotional revelations, and the uncertain outcome of Greg's search for his son.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of guilt, responsibility, and the consequences of past actions. Greg struggles with his own sense of failure and the impact it has had on his family.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, particularly regarding themes of loss and redemption.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the characters' emotions and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, character dynamics, and the high stakes involved in the characters' decisions and conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, with well-timed pauses and character beats that enhance the dramatic impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene is formatted correctly, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting that enhances readability and clarity.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-paced dialogue and character interactions that build tension and emotional resonance.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys Greg's desperation and emotional turmoil regarding his son, Brandon. However, the dialogue can feel a bit expository at times, particularly when characters reiterate information that the audience already knows. This can detract from the emotional impact of the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene is somewhat uneven. While Greg's emotional outburst is powerful, the transition between his anger and moments of vulnerability could be smoother. This would enhance the emotional rollercoaster and keep the audience engaged.
  • John's character serves as a voice of reason, but his dialogue could be more nuanced. Instead of simply stating facts, he could express his own emotional stakes in the situation, which would add depth to his character and the conflict between him and Greg.
  • The use of physical actions, such as Greg jabbing his finger at the photo, is effective in conveying urgency. However, more body language and physical reactions from Sandra and Mia could enhance the tension and emotional weight of the scene. Their reactions can provide a counterpoint to Greg's intensity.
  • The scene ends abruptly with John's ultimatum, which is impactful but could benefit from a more gradual build-up to that moment. A few more lines of dialogue or a brief moment of silence could heighten the tension before John leaves, making his departure feel more significant.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the dialogue to eliminate any repetitive information. Focus on showing the characters' emotions through their actions and reactions rather than stating them outright.
  • Enhance the emotional transitions by incorporating more subtle shifts in Greg's demeanor. For example, after his outburst, allow a moment of silence where he physically collaps into a chair or runs a hand through his hair, showing the weight of his grief.
  • Give John a more personal stake in the situation. Perhaps he could share a brief anecdote about his own family or express concern for Greg's mental state, which would make his character more relatable and the conflict more layered.
  • Include more physical reactions from Sandra and Mia to Greg's emotional state. Their expressions and body language can help convey the gravity of the situation and create a more dynamic interaction.
  • Consider adding a moment of reflection after John's ultimatum. This could be a brief pause where Greg processes what has just happened, allowing the audience to feel the weight of his decision and the stakes involved.



Scene 25 -  Desperate Search for Truth
116 INT. MIA’S CAR - AIRPORT - DAY 116 *

Greg and Mia sit at the departure drop off point. Outside, *
the street is lined with Ubers, Lyfts, rental car buses, *
departing, and arriving passengers. *

Mia, her eyes, her demeanor reflects her sadness, she speaks *
softly.

MIA
I know. But, what happens if- *
62.


GREG
I find him and I’m wrong?

MIA
You find him and you’re right?

Greg stares... a question he wasn’t exactly ready for. *

GREG
I... I don’t know. I just know that
I have to go. I have to find out if *
it’s really him. I have to find *
out... the truth.

Mia, nods. Greg opens the door, pauses. *

GREG
I love you too.

He exits the car. Angie watches as he speeds off and
disappears into the crowded airport.

117 INT. ATLANTA PD - SQUAD ROOM - DAY 117 *

Greg stands in the doorway staring at the frenzied chaos. Two
of their own are dead and nothing is being spared to track
down the killers. Greg watches as the activity in the room
slowly morph into the familiar scene many years ago in the *
Columbus, GA police station. *


118 INT. COLUMBUS PD - DAY (FLASHBACK) 118 *

A SERIES OF QUICK FLASHES

-- Greg standing in the doorway staring at the busy squad
room.

-- Greg walks up to Detective Howard talking to a group of
Detectives. *

-- Greg stares at Angie’s name written on the whiteboard by
the number 17.

119 INT. ATLANTA PD - DAY (PRESENT DAY) 119 *

Greg’s daydream is broken up by an inquiring Officer. *

POLICE OFFICER (O.C.)
Sir? Sir? Can I help you, Sir?
63.


Greg snaps back to the now. He locks on to the uniformed *
Officer standing near him. *

GREG
Ah, yes. I need to talk to a
Detective. *

POLICE OFFICER
Sir, all our Detectives are busy at *
the moment. Can someone else help
you?

GREG
No. It’s important I speak with a
Detective now. *

POLICE OFFICER *
I’m sorry, sir. But, I’m going to *
have to ask you to go down the hall
and talk to the Desk Sergeant. She
will be glad to take your
information and when possible, one
of the Detectives will contact you. *

Greg speaks directly, softly. *

GREG
You're looking for my son.

The Officer fails to understand. *

POLICE OFFICER
Sir, please. We’re very busy right *
now. I have to insist that you- *

Greg, fed up, shouts.

GREG
I said you are looking for my son!

Everyone in the room comes to a complete and sudden halt. The *
room turns deafly silent, except for a couple of ringing
phones that no one answers. Greg stares with painful eyes, as
we -

MAC (PRE-LAP) *
This is quite the fucking twist.
And, you think this Thomas kid is
your missing son? *
64.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Crime"]

Summary In a tense scene at the airport, Greg and Mia discuss the uncertainty surrounding Greg's search for his missing son. Mia expresses her sadness and concern, while Greg insists on the need to find the truth. After a heartfelt exchange, Greg heads to the Atlanta Police Department, where he faces initial resistance from an officer when trying to report his son missing. Frustrated, Greg raises his voice, demanding attention, which momentarily silences the chaotic precinct, highlighting his desperation.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Compelling mystery setup
  • Well-defined characters
Weaknesses
  • Possible confusion with flashbacks
  • Some dialogue may be too on-the-nose

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, emotionally charged, and sets up a compelling mystery that keeps the audience invested.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a father searching for his missing son in the midst of a chaotic police investigation is gripping and sets the stage for intense drama.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with a clear focus on the father's determination to find his son and the obstacles he faces in a high-stakes situation.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the missing person narrative by focusing on the protagonist's emotional journey and the conflict with law enforcement. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, especially Greg, whose emotional journey drives the scene forward.

Character Changes: 8

Greg undergoes a significant emotional change as he confronts the reality of his son's disappearance and his determination to find the truth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to find out the truth about his missing son. This reflects his deeper need for closure, his fear of the unknown, and his desire to reunite with his son.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to speak with a detective to help find his missing son. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in navigating the police station and getting the information he needs.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Greg's personal mission to find his son and the chaos of the police investigation creates tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing resistance from the police officer and the uncertainty of finding his son.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Greg races against time to uncover the truth about his missing son amidst a complex and dangerous situation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a crucial development in Greg's search for his son and the escalating tension in the investigation.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected outburst from the protagonist and the sudden shift in the room's atmosphere.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's belief in the truth and the police officer's adherence to protocol and procedure. This challenges the protagonist's values of urgency and personal connection.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly sadness, anxiety, and determination, making it emotionally impactful.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional conflict, and intense character dynamics.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the standard screenplay format, making it easy to follow and visualize the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dramatic moment in a screenplay, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The emotional stakes in this scene are high, as Greg is torn between hope and fear regarding the search for his son. However, the dialogue could be more impactful. The exchange between Greg and Mia feels somewhat generic and lacks the depth that could make their relationship more compelling. Adding more specific details about their past or their feelings could enhance the emotional weight.
  • The transition from the car to the police station is effective in showing Greg's urgency, but the flashback to the Columbus PD feels a bit abrupt. It might benefit from a smoother transition or a clearer connection to the present moment, perhaps by having Greg reflect on how the past informs his current actions.
  • The police officer's dismissal of Greg's urgency feels realistic, but it could be heightened for dramatic effect. Instead of simply stating that the detectives are busy, perhaps the officer could exhibit a more dismissive or condescending attitude, which would further fuel Greg's frustration and desperation.
  • The scene's pacing is generally good, but the moment when Greg shouts could be more climactic. Building up to this moment with more internal conflict or hesitation could make the outburst feel more earned and impactful.
  • The use of silence after Greg's outburst is effective in creating tension, but it might be enhanced by including the reactions of other characters in the room. Their expressions or body language could add to the atmosphere and emphasize the gravity of Greg's situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider deepening the dialogue between Greg and Mia by incorporating specific memories or fears that relate to their relationship and the search for Brandon. This could make their connection feel more authentic and relatable.
  • Enhance the transition to the flashback by having Greg's thoughts linger on a specific memory that ties into his current emotional state, creating a more seamless connection between past and present.
  • Amplify the police officer's dismissive attitude to heighten the tension and frustration Greg feels. This could involve more condescending language or a lack of eye contact, emphasizing Greg's isolation in this moment.
  • Build up to Greg's outburst by showing more of his internal struggle. Perhaps he hesitates before shouting, indicating the weight of his emotions and making the moment feel more powerful.
  • Include reactions from other officers in the room after Greg's outburst. Their shock or judgment could add layers to the scene, illustrating the impact of Greg's desperation on those around him.



Scene 26 -  A Father's Hope
120 INT. ATLANTA PD - TASK FORCE OPERATIONS CENTER - DAY 120 *

Greg stands in the crowded operations center, watching as *
Detectives and uniformed Officers rubberneck at the rendered *
photo of Brandon pinned on the wall opposite a picture of
Thomas.

Mac is at the front of the group and although short and
petite, it’s perfectly clear even during this temporary
moment of silence, who’s in command of this room.

GREG
Brandon. His name is Brandon and
yes, I do.

Mac doesn't look convinced. She cuts a hard glance back at *
the photo.

MAC
I admit, I can see why you would *
think that. Except, there’s one
problem.

Mac walks over to Greg. *

MAC
This kid, Thomas (pointing to
Thomas’ picture) is the younger
brother of these two pieces of
work.

She hands Greg a stack of mug shot photos of Josh and Andrew,
and several school-age pictures of Thomas. Greg disregards
all the photos except those of Thomas. He thumbs through the
pictures. *

GREG
Where did you get these?

MAC
From the Father and according to
him, the family’s been living in
the Atlanta area now for the past
ten years. *

Greg calculates the timeline in his head.

GREG
My son was abducted less than 100
miles south of here 10 years ago *
when he was three. He would be 13 *
now. *
65.


He turns his attention back to the pictures, shuffling *
through them. *

MAC
Thomas isn’t a bad kid, or so we
thought. No record, no arrest, not
even a single fight in school, but
the other two...

She points to two telephone book sized files on the desk. *

MAC
They have files the size of the
Atlanta phone book. I don’t know
Colonel. The probability of this *
being your son...

She spots Greg’s sudden change of expression as he stares at
the picture he’s holding. *

MAC
What is it?

He sits the photo on the desk, moves over to a table and,
removes a photo album from his backpack. He flips through the
pages, stops... removes a picture. *

Mac watches, confused... curious as he walks back to the
desk.

GREG
Brandon had his favorite toy with
him the day he was taken. A small
stuffed elephant. He carried it *
everywhere with him.

MAC
Lots of kids have stuffed elephants *
for toys, Colonel.

GREG
One day I was doing some work in
the garage, Brandon was with me. He
decided he wanted to give his *
elephant a bath, so he dipped it *
into the bucket of water I was
using.

His story slowly gets the attention of Mac and the gathered
Detectives. *

GREG
Problem was, I had bleach in that
water.
66.


By the time I got to him, he’d
dipped half of that elephant into *
the water.

He stares at the photo in his hand.

GREG
At the end of the day, it didn’t
matter how that thing looked. He *
still loved it. It didn’t matter to
him that over half it was white and *
not red. *

Greg lines up the picture in his hand with the one on the
table, and steps back. Mac and the assembled Detectives speed *
to the table, rubberneck to look at the two photos, of -

-- The photo on the left of Greg holding a smiling three year
old Brandon clutching the tiny half red, half white stuffed *
animal.

-- The photo on the right is of the younger trio of John,
Andrew and Thomas.

All eyes pop... and we see what they see -

Thomas is holding the same half red, half white stuffed *
elephant in both photos. Mac can’t believe it, she turns *
slowly, stares wide-eyed to Greg.

CAPTAIN ACEVEDO (PRE-LAP) *
I hear you got a lead.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Crime"]

Summary In the Atlanta PD Task Force Operations Center, Greg discovers a photo of a boy named Thomas, linked to two criminal brothers, and realizes Thomas may be his son, abducted ten years ago. As he recounts a memory of his son's favorite toy, a half red, half white stuffed elephant, he is stunned to see Thomas holding the same toy in a photo. This revelation shifts the atmosphere from skepticism to hope, as Captain Acevedo acknowledges the significance of this lead in the investigation.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intriguing plot development
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity in character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally charged, with a significant plot development that adds depth to the story and characters.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of linking characters through a shared object creates intrigue and sets the stage for further exploration of their connections.

Plot: 9

The plot takes a major turn with the potential discovery of Greg's missing son, adding layers of complexity and mystery to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of love and connection, using a child's toy as a symbol of emotional depth and resilience. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with their actions and reactions driving the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

The potential discovery of Greg's missing son leads to a shift in the characters' motivations and relationships.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find closure and potentially discover the fate of his abducted son. This reflects his deeper need for resolution, closure, and emotional healing from the trauma of losing his child.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to investigate the potential connection between the suspects and his missing son. This reflects the immediate challenge of solving a case and finding answers about his son's disappearance.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Greg's search for his son and the revelation of the trio's potential involvement creates tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges in solving the case and finding closure for his son's abduction. The uncertainty and tension add to the suspense and intrigue of the scene.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Greg comes closer to potentially finding his missing son, leading to a sense of urgency and suspense.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly advances the plot by introducing a new development that propels the story forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected connection between the protagonist's son and the suspects. The revelation adds a layer of complexity and intrigue to the story.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the idea of love and connection transcending physical appearance or circumstances. The protagonist's story about his son's love for a damaged toy elephant highlights this theme.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the revelation of the potential connection between Greg's son and the trio of characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals crucial information about the characters and their relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, mystery, and character development. The tension and revelations keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension, emotion, and revelation. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and emotional stakes by juxtaposing Greg's desperate hope with the skepticism of the detectives. This dynamic creates a palpable sense of urgency and conflict, which is essential for engaging the audience.
  • The use of visual storytelling is strong, particularly in the moment where Greg aligns the photos of Brandon and Thomas. This visual parallel not only serves as a powerful revelation but also emphasizes the emotional weight of Greg's memories and his connection to his son.
  • Mac's character is well-defined as a no-nonsense detective, but her skepticism could be further developed. While she provides a counterpoint to Greg's hope, adding a layer of personal investment or backstory could enhance her character and make her more relatable.
  • The dialogue is generally effective, but some lines could be tightened for greater impact. For instance, Greg's backstory about the stuffed elephant is poignant, but it could be more concise to maintain the scene's momentum. Streamlining this could heighten the emotional resonance without losing its significance.
  • The pacing of the scene is mostly good, but there are moments where it feels slightly drawn out, particularly during the photo comparison. Ensuring that each beat serves the narrative will help maintain tension and keep the audience engaged.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of internal conflict for Mac, perhaps a flash of empathy or a personal connection to the case, to deepen her character and make her skepticism more nuanced.
  • Tighten Greg's dialogue about the stuffed elephant by focusing on the emotional core of the story. For example, instead of detailing the bath incident, he could simply express how much Brandon loved that toy, allowing the audience to fill in the emotional gaps.
  • Incorporate more physical reactions from the detectives as they process Greg's revelation. This could include subtle body language or facial expressions that reflect their shifting perspectives on the case.
  • Explore the emotional stakes further by including a moment where Greg reflects on what finding Thomas would mean for him, perhaps through a brief flashback or a poignant line that encapsulates his longing.
  • Ensure that the transition to Captain Acevedo's line at the end feels seamless. Consider adding a brief pause or reaction shot to heighten the tension before the scene shifts, allowing the weight of the revelation to linger.



Scene 27 -  Tensions in the Task Force
121 INT. ATLANTA PD - TASK FORCE OPERATIONS CENTER - NIGHT 121 *

Mac hands Captain ANTONIO ACEVEDO (50), Hispanic, handsome,
fit, jet black hair, a clean square face a copy of Brandon’s
rendered photo.

MAC
I’m really don’t know what to call
it right now.

Captain Acevedo studies the photo. *

CAPTAIN ACEVEDO
Well, is it a lead or not, Mac?

Mac turns. *

MAC
Captain, meet Army Colonel Greg
Thompson from Fort Hood, Texas.
67.


He believes the younger of the
three suspects...

She hands him a picture of Thomas.

MAC
May actually be his son that was
abducted 10 years ago in Columbus,
Georgia. *

Captain Acevedo stares at the picture.

MAC
The picture in your right hand is
one of the younger brother, Thomas.
The one in your left hand is a
rendering that shows what Colonel
Thompson’s son, Brandon would look
like today.

Captain Acevedo gives the pictures a long look.

CAPTAIN ACEVEDO
It looks just like him. But, I
thought you said the parents of
these murderers are from the city?

MAC
A black and white is bringing the
parents in for questioning. They
should be here soon.

GREG
I want to meet them!

MAC
Absolutely not!

GREG
Detective, they could be the people
that killed my wife and took my
son. You have to let me talk to
them!

MAC
Not a chance in hell that’s going
to happen. This is an ongoing
investigation-

CAPTAIN ACEVEDO
That needs to be solved and solved
quickly.
68.


If this (waving the rendered photo)
is his son then maybe we catch a
break and solve two crimes at once.

Mac’s brow raises, her jaw muscles tightens.

MAC
Can I speak to you in private, sir?

Captain Acevedo sets the two pictures on the table and
follows Mac to the back of the room.

MAC
I don’t think letting him talk to
those parents is a good idea,
Antonio.

CAPTAIN ACEVEDO
Mac, we have one dead witness and *
two murdered Detectives. We need *
every break we can get. Even the
lucky ones. Let him see the parents
when they get here.

Captain Acevedo glances back to the busy room as if checking
to see if anyone is watching them. No one is. He takes Mac’s *
hand gently into his, speaks sweetly.

CAPTAIN ACEVEDO
Are you alright?

MAC
No, I’m not Antonio. Two of my
people are dead, and now this shit
with the Colonel.

He cups her hand with his. His wedding ring is visible now, *
and we get the feeling that this is no longer a superior
Officer concerned for his employee. This is starting to look *
and sound more like a show of affection. He speaks softly. *

CAPTAIN ACEVEDO
Why don’t we stay in the city
tonight? I can call-

Mac quickly withdraws her hand from his, giving us a short
glimpse of her wedding ring.

MAC
We talked about this, Antonio.
Plus, none of my people are going
home tonight. *

Captain Acevedo flashes a disappointing look.
69.


MAC
I still think it’s a bad idea to
let him see to the family. *

Captain Acevedo’s entire demeanor shifts. *

CAPTAIN ACEVEDO
He sees the fucking family. If it
pans out, we act on it. If not,
stay on task. Are we clear?

Mac flashes a familiar, yet angry look. It’s as if she’s seen
this behavior from him before.

CHIEF
I said, are we clear, Detective?

Mac flashes a harsh glance as she walks away.

MAC
As fucking mud.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In the Atlanta PD Task Force Operations Center at night, Detective Mac confronts Captain Acevedo over allowing Colonel Thompson to meet the suspects' parents in a missing child case. Thompson's desperation to find his son heightens the conflict, as Mac argues for caution while Acevedo insists on pursuing every lead. The scene culminates in a heated exchange, revealing personal stakes and unresolved tensions between Mac and Acevedo, ultimately ending with Mac walking away, leaving their relationship and the investigation in jeopardy.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • High stakes
  • Compelling character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity in certain character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a compelling mix of drama, mystery, and emotional depth. The revelation of a potential familial connection adds a layer of complexity and raises the stakes significantly.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a father potentially finding his abducted son among suspects in a murder case is a unique and gripping premise that drives the scene's tension and emotional impact.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with the revelation of the potential familial connection adding a new layer of complexity and intrigue to the ongoing investigation. The scene moves the story forward significantly.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime investigation genre by incorporating personal stakes and emotional depth into the procedural aspects. The dialogue feels authentic and adds complexity to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their conflicting emotions and motivations drive the scene's tension and emotional impact. The father's desperation to find his son and the detective's determination to solve the case create compelling dynamics.

Character Changes: 8

The potential revelation of a father finding his abducted son among suspects could lead to significant character changes and developments, especially in terms of emotional growth and personal redemption.

Internal Goal: 8

Mac's internal goal is to protect her team and solve the case, reflecting her need for justice and safety for her colleagues.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to solve the case and potentially find Colonel Thompson's missing son, reflecting the immediate challenge of solving a complex crime.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with emotional, moral, and investigative tensions running high as characters grapple with the potential implications of the father-son connection in the midst of a murder investigation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and decisions that create obstacles for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the potential discovery of a father's abducted son among murder suspects adding a sense of urgency and emotional weight to the investigation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing a major plot development that could have far-reaching consequences for the characters and the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting dynamics between characters and the unexpected decisions made by Captain Acevedo.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between following protocol and taking risks to solve the case. Captain Acevedo's willingness to bend the rules challenges Mac's belief in following procedure.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a significant emotional impact, with the potential reunion of a father and son, the tension between characters, and the high stakes of the investigation creating a sense of urgency and poignancy.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and reveals the characters' inner conflicts and motivations effectively. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the emotional impact of the revelation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional conflict, and moral dilemmas faced by the characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional resonance, leading to a compelling narrative progression.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime investigation genre, with clear character motivations and progression of the investigation.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by showcasing the urgency of the investigation and the emotional stakes for Greg. However, the dialogue could be tightened to enhance the pacing and clarity of the characters' motivations.
  • Captain Acevedo's character is introduced with a strong presence, but his relationship with Mac feels somewhat underdeveloped. The scene hints at a personal connection, but it could benefit from more subtlety or context to avoid feeling forced.
  • Mac's conflict with Acevedo regarding Greg's involvement is compelling, but the dialogue could be more dynamic. The back-and-forth feels a bit repetitive, and tightening their exchanges could heighten the tension.
  • The emotional weight of Greg's desperation to meet the suspects' parents is palpable, but the scene could delve deeper into his psychological state. Adding internal thoughts or flashbacks could enrich his character and make the audience empathize more with his plight.
  • The transition between the investigation and the personal stakes could be smoother. The scene jumps from procedural dialogue to emotional pleas without fully bridging the two, which may confuse the audience about the priorities of the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Greg reflects on his past or his relationship with his son to deepen the emotional impact of his desperation.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more concise and impactful. For example, instead of repeating similar sentiments, find ways to express the urgency and stakes in fewer words.
  • Explore the dynamic between Mac and Acevedo further. Perhaps include a brief moment that hints at their history or the nature of their relationship to add depth to their interaction.
  • Incorporate visual cues or actions that reflect the tension in the room, such as Greg pacing or fidgeting, to enhance the emotional atmosphere without relying solely on dialogue.
  • Consider ending the scene with a stronger emotional hook, perhaps by showing Greg's reaction to Acevedo's decision, which could leave the audience eager to see how this will affect his quest to find his son.



Scene 28 -  Echoes of the Past
122 INT. ATLANTA PD - WAITING AREA - DAY 122 *

Greg walks in the station’s waiting room stirring a cup of
coffee. He looks up and freezes. His eyes grow wide at the - *

Two distant, yet familiar faces, sitting across the room. *

One is a sturdy framed male, dressed in a city bus driver’s
uniform. Sitting beside him is a small, frail, older looking
female.

Greg stares as the images of the two people on the bench
slowly morph into the way he remembered his neighbor’s nephew
Doug, and his emaciated wife, Lisa from 10 years ago. *

MAC (PRE-LAP) *
Did he tell you how he killed her?

123 INT. ATLANTA PD - INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT 123 *

A small box shape room with dull gray walls. Doug, nervous
sits at a small table, tears flowing down his face. Mac sits
across from him. A uniformed Officer stands near the door. *
Doug, face down, answers. *

DOUG
Yes.
70.

124 INT. ATLANTA PD - INTERROGATION ROOM - OBSERVATION AREA - 124
DAY

Greg, Captain Acevedo, and several Task Force Detectives *
watch, in stunned silence through the two-way mirror as Doug *
explains the events of that ill-fated day ten years ago.

As Doug talks, the events of that day play out in images on *
the two-way mirror.

DOUG
He knew the military dude was going
out of town that day. *

IMAGES PLAYING OUT IN THE TWO-WAY MIRROR *

-- We see the waistline approaching the van in the sideview
mirror.

DOUG (V.O.)
He told her he locked his keys in
his truck, out in the woods while
putting salt in one of his deer
licks. *

-- We see Angie, with her unseen attacker in the front seat
pull to a stop in the woods. She rubbernecks... searches for
his truck. Nothing... she flashes her attacker a confused
glance.

125 INT. ATLANTA PD - INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY 125 *

Mac leans forward, waits... Doug, nervous. *

MAC
Why did he want to kill her? What
did she do to him, that-

DOUG
Can I get a smoke? I could really
use a smoke.

MAC
Yes, of course, would you like
something to drink, a cup of
coffee, maybe?

She digs into her pocket, removes a pack of cigarettes, taps
one out. *

DOUG
No. Cigarette will do. *
71.


Doug’s trembling hand takes the cigarette from, Mac. Mac
leans over the table, lights it. Doug’s head plops back, he
closes his eyes as he takes in a long, satisfying pull.

MAC
Doug? *

Doug’s head eases forward, his eyes still closed... he blows
out the smoke.

DOUG
She didn’t do nothing. He couldn’t
help himself. He said it was a
disease. It wouldn’t let him stop
thinking about... he liked her, he
liked both of them, but he said she
was just so beautiful.

We can hear Brandon crying hysterically in the background now
as Angie screams, and -

MORE IMAGES PLAY OUT IN THE TWO-WAY MIRROR *

-- Tumbles frantically out of her van. Her nurse’s scrubs
torn, nearly ripped from her body.

DOUG
He said he tried to make her
understand. He said he didn’t want
to kill her, but...

-- Angie’s attacker knocks her to the ground. She screams,
struggles. He punches and slams her head repeatedly against a
protruding, jagged rock.

DOUG
He said he screwed up this time,
because the kid, well... the kid
wasn’t suppose to be there because
the Army dude always dropped him
off at daycare. *

-- Angie’s attacker leaps into the minivan’s front seat. He
adjusts the review mirror and stares at Brandon, crying. *

We see a close up of the attacker's eyes in the rearview
mirror and as we slowly pull back and around, we see for the
first time Angie’s attacker is revealed as their friendly
neighbor from 10 years ago - *
*
Alex Morgan.
72.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In the Atlanta PD, Greg is startled to see Doug and his frail wife Lisa, triggering memories of a traumatic event from a decade ago. In an interrogation room, Doug, visibly distressed, recounts the murder of Angie by his neighbor Alex Morgan, revealing his guilt and the presence of her child, Brandon, during the attack. Flashbacks illustrate the violent encounter, culminating in the chilling revelation that Alex was the perpetrator, leaving Doug to grapple with his emotional turmoil and unresolved feelings of regret.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Revealing dialogue
  • High tension
  • Shocking revelations
Weaknesses
  • Complexity of past events may require audience attention
  • Intense emotional content may be overwhelming for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, with intense emotions, shocking revelations, and a deep dive into the characters' pasts. It keeps the audience engaged and sets the stage for significant developments in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of uncovering a past crime and its connection to the characters is compelling and well-executed. The scene effectively builds suspense and intrigue, drawing the audience into the mystery.

Plot: 8

The plot is intricately woven with past events, character relationships, and unfolding revelations. It keeps the audience on edge and sets the stage for further developments in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the crime genre by blending elements of psychological drama with a cold case investigation. The authenticity of characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are deeply affected by the revelations and confessions, showcasing their emotional depth and complexity. Their interactions and reactions drive the scene forward and add layers to their personalities.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo emotional changes and revelations in the scene, deepening their arcs and adding complexity to their personalities. The confrontations and confessions lead to character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Greg's internal goal in this scene is to confront his past and come to terms with a traumatic event involving his neighbor's nephew and wife. This reflects his deeper need for closure, resolution, and emotional healing.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to uncover the truth behind the events of the ill-fated day ten years ago, specifically the motive behind the murder. This reflects the immediate challenge of solving a cold case and seeking justice.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with emotional confrontations, shocking revelations, and intense moments that keep the audience engaged. The characters' internal and external conflicts drive the tension.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Doug's emotional turmoil, Mac's interrogation, and the revelation of the attacker's identity creating obstacles and challenges for the protagonist. The audience is kept in suspense about the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing the consequences of past actions, making life-changing decisions, and uncovering shocking truths. The emotional and narrative stakes are raised significantly.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information, deepening character relationships, and setting the stage for future developments. It adds layers to the narrative and keeps the audience invested.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the narrative, such as the revelation of the friendly neighbor as the attacker. It keeps the audience on edge and adds layers of complexity to the story.

Philosophical Conflict: 8.5

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between morality and human nature. It challenges Greg's beliefs about the capacity for evil within people, as he grapples with the idea of a seemingly normal neighbor committing a heinous crime.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a significant emotional impact, with characters facing past traumas, making confessions, and dealing with the consequences of their actions. It evokes strong emotions in the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and revealing, capturing the emotional turmoil of the characters as they confront the past. It effectively conveys the tension and drama of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, suspenseful atmosphere, and emotional depth. The gradual revelation of information keeps the audience invested in the unfolding mystery.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional impact, with a balance of dialogue, action, and visual imagery. It keeps the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8.5

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a crime drama screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. It enhances the readability and visual clarity of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and emotional impact.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by juxtaposing Greg's emotional turmoil with Doug's confession, creating a powerful contrast between the present and the traumatic past. However, the transition between the waiting area and the interrogation room could be smoother to maintain the flow of the narrative.
  • The use of flashbacks during Doug's confession is a strong visual technique that enhances the emotional weight of the scene. However, the descriptions of the flashbacks could be more vivid to evoke a stronger emotional response from the audience. For instance, detailing the setting and the characters' expressions during the flashbacks could heighten the tension.
  • Doug's character is portrayed as nervous and remorseful, which adds depth to his confession. However, his dialogue could be more varied to avoid repetition and to better reflect his emotional state. For example, instead of repeatedly stating he didn't want to kill her, he could express his internal conflict more vividly.
  • The dialogue between Mac and Doug is functional but lacks subtext. Adding layers to their conversation could enhance the tension. For instance, Mac could express her frustration with the system or her personal stakes in the case, which would create a more dynamic interaction.
  • The scene's pacing is uneven; while the buildup is effective, the climax of Doug's confession feels rushed. Allowing more time for the audience to absorb the gravity of his words and the accompanying visuals would enhance the emotional impact.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more sensory details to the flashbacks to immerse the audience in the moment. Describe sounds, smells, and the physical sensations of the characters to create a more visceral experience.
  • Enhance Doug's character by incorporating more internal conflict in his dialogue. Allow him to express guilt or fear about the consequences of his actions, which would make his confession more compelling.
  • Introduce a moment of silence or a pause after Doug reveals the identity of the attacker. This would give the audience a moment to process the shocking revelation and heighten the emotional stakes.
  • Explore Mac's character further by giving her a personal stake in the case. Perhaps she has a history with the victims or a similar experience that informs her reactions, adding depth to her interactions with Doug.
  • Revise the transition between the waiting area and the interrogation room to create a more seamless flow. Consider using a visual motif or a line of dialogue that connects the two spaces thematically.



Scene 29 -  Secrets and Betrayals
126 INT. ATLANTA PD - INTERROGATION ROOM - OBSERVATION AREA - 126 *
NIGHT

Greg is stunned, shocked at the disclosure of his old *
neighborhood friend as his wife’s murderer. *

DOUG
Uncle Alex wanted to kill the kid,
but he couldn’t. Said he’d never
killed a kid, before-

MAC
Wait! You’re telling me he’s killed
before?!

DOUG
Yeah, at his other bases, but I
swear, he didn’t tell me about
those until years later.

Greg stares as Mac cuts a bewildered glance into the two-way
mirror.

MAC
What happened next?

DOUG
He came back to the house just as
we were getting ready to leave. I
swear, he made us take the kid. He
said he was going to dump the
minivan in some lake across the
state line.

MAC
Don’t bull shit me, Doug! I’m not- *

DOUG
No, seriously, we didn’t want
anything to do with that lady’s
murder or the kid but, he said he
would kill the kid, and if we
didn’t take him with us, he’d make
it look like we killed both of them
while trying to steal money for
drugs! *

MAC
So just like that, you decided to
become an accessory to murder and a
child abductor?
73.


DOUG
We were young man, we had drug
problems, and owed a lot of bad *
people a shit load of money. He was
their neighbor, they liked him,
they were his friends. Who do you
think the police would have
believed?

127 INT. ATLANTA PD - INTERROGATION ROOM - OBSERVATION AREA - 127
DAY *

Greg, listens in silence... and anger.

128 EXT. WOODED AREA - DAY 128 *

A dark-gray sky gives way to Andrew laying near a tree
surrounded by tall grass and weeds. He stares intensely at a
run-down cabin 50 feet away. *

Thomas sits on the ground behind him. His knees pulled tight *
into his chest. He shivers from the cool, early morning air.
Josh creeps up, kneels beside him, his eyes locked on Andrew. *
They speak in hushed voices. *

THOMAS
Why did you kill Mr. Wilson?

Josh doesn’t respond.

THOMAS
You didn’t have to kill him, he was
just trying to help his friend. *

Josh snaps around, makes it a point to show the gun he has
tucked in his belt. Thomas looks away, sheepishly. *

JOSH
You think I give a shit about what *
happened to that old dude? *

Thomas eyes tighten... Josh, shocked from Thomas hint of *
defiance. *

JOSH *
Well, I don’t and I don’t give a *
shit about what happens to you
either.

Thomas shivers. *
74.


THOMAS
Why do you and Andrew hate me so
much? Why do you treat me like-

ANDREW
Like what?! Like you don’t belong? *
Look at Andrew, look at me, and *
dad. Are you so fucking stupid that *
you don’t see it?

Thomas regards Josh with a confused look.

JOSH
You don’t know, do you? Oh man,
(laughing) daddy’s golden boy and *
you have no fucking idea, not a
single fucking clue about the *
family’s little dark secret.

THOMAS *
What are you talking about?

JOSH
Oh shit! (laughing) This is really *
gonna be fun. We treat you like the
piece of shit that you are because
you don’t belong. You have never
belonged and you never will,
because-

Josh is interrupted by a loud whistle from the cabin. He
spins and spots Andrew standing on the cabin’s front porch,
gun in hand, he waves for the two of them to join him.

THOMAS
What do you mean, I don’t belong?

Josh leaps to his feet, looks down at Thomas, gives him the
barest of smiles before sprinting towards the cabin.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense Atlanta PD interrogation room, Doug confesses to Mac about his uncle Alex's coercion in the murder of Greg's wife, revealing a dark family history. Meanwhile, in a wooded area, Thomas confronts Josh about Mr. Wilson's murder, only to be mocked and reminded of his outsider status in the family. The scene is filled with emotional turmoil and unresolved conflicts, culminating in a sense of foreboding as Josh sprints towards a cabin, leaving Thomas confused.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Revealing character dynamics
  • Shocking revelations
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic
  • Limited physical action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, and reveals crucial information that significantly impacts the story. The emotional intensity and shocking revelations make it a standout moment.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of unveiling family secrets and the connection to a past crime is compelling and adds depth to the characters and the overall plot. It introduces a complex web of relationships and motivations.

Plot: 9

The plot takes a significant turn with the revelation of the murderer and the involvement of the characters in past crimes. It raises the stakes and sets the stage for further developments in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the murder mystery genre by delving into the complex relationships and moral dilemmas faced by the characters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and realism to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' interactions and revelations about their past add layers to their personalities and motivations. The dynamics between the characters are crucial in driving the scene forward.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional and psychological changes as they confront their past actions and the truth about their relationships. These revelations shape their future decisions and interactions.

Internal Goal: 8

Greg's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the betrayal of his old friend and process the shocking revelation of his involvement in his wife's murder.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to uncover the truth behind the murder and navigate the complex web of lies and deceit surrounding the case.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with revelations of betrayal, murder, and past crimes creating intense emotional and moral dilemmas for the characters. The tension is palpable throughout.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations and hidden agendas among the characters that create obstacles and challenges for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the revelation of a murderer, family secrets, and past crimes threatening the characters' relationships and future. The consequences of their actions are significant and impactful.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information, deepening the conflict, and setting the stage for further developments. It propels the narrative towards a new direction and raises the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' motivations and actions, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' moral compasses and the choices they make in the face of difficult circumstances. It challenges their beliefs about loyalty, trust, and the consequences of their actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, with shocking revelations and intense confrontations. The emotional impact drives the narrative forward and engages the viewers.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and reveals key information about the characters' past actions and motivations. It effectively conveys the tension and emotions present in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflicts and shocking revelations that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm that builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue formatting that enhance the readability and flow of the script.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear progression of events and character interactions that build tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by revealing Doug's connection to the murder of Greg's wife, Angie, and the implications of his testimony. However, the pacing feels uneven; the transition from Doug's confession to the subsequent scene in the wooded area could be smoother to maintain the emotional weight.
  • Doug's dialogue is impactful, but it could benefit from more emotional depth. His motivations for complying with Alex's demands are somewhat vague. Adding a moment of internal conflict or regret could enhance his character and make the audience empathize with his predicament.
  • The dialogue between Thomas, Josh, and Andrew in the wooded area introduces a new conflict, but it feels disconnected from the previous interrogation scene. The shift in focus could be better integrated to maintain narrative cohesion. Consider using a visual or auditory cue to bridge the two scenes.
  • Josh's taunting of Thomas is effective in establishing tension, but it risks overshadowing the emotional stakes of the previous scene. Balancing the intensity of Josh's aggression with Thomas's vulnerability is crucial to keep the audience engaged with both storylines.
  • The revelation of Thomas's 'dark secret' is intriguing but lacks clarity. It would be beneficial to hint at this secret earlier in the script to create a sense of foreshadowing, making the reveal more impactful.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of silence or reflection after Doug's confession to allow the weight of the revelation to sink in for both Greg and the audience.
  • Enhance Doug's character by incorporating a flashback or a brief internal monologue that reveals his feelings of guilt and fear regarding his involvement with Alex, making his confession more poignant.
  • To improve the transition between the interrogation and the wooded area, consider using a visual motif, such as a close-up of Greg's shocked expression, that fades into the next scene, linking the emotional weight of both moments.
  • In the wooded scene, provide more context for Thomas's relationship with Josh and Andrew. A line or two that hints at their family dynamics could clarify why Thomas feels out of place and heighten the tension.
  • Clarify the 'dark secret' mentioned by Josh by planting subtle hints earlier in the script, allowing the audience to piece together the mystery and making the reveal more satisfying.



Scene 30 -  Tensions Unraveled
129 EXT. THOMAS’ HOUSE - DAY 129 *

Greg paces, watching the constant flow of Officers, *
Detectives, and CSI personnel move in and out of the house. *
Mac exits the house, walks to Greg.

GREG
Can I go in?

MAC
Nope. The place is a mess and *
they’re going to be collecting *
evidence for hours. *
75.


We contacted the police in
Columbus, Georgia and your wife’s *
case has been reopened. *

GREG *
What about, Alex? *

MAC *
Mr. Morgan caught wind of what’s *
going on here by another relative. *
He took off by the time an arrest *
was attempted.

GREG *
Did they catch him?! *

MAC
Not yet, but they will. And, we’re
going to catch these three, too. So
don’t worry about-

GREG
I’m sure Brandon had nothing to do
with those murders, Detective. *

MAC
You're not sure of shit. You’re
working off emotions and that’s
what scares me.

She opens her car door, looks at Greg, waits.

MAC
Well?

GREG
What?

MAC
Let’s go. You don’t think for one
second I’m going to let a man like *
you, with all your military
training, out of my sight so you
can run off and look for your kid
on your own do you?

Greg walks towards the car.

MAC
Move your ass. We don’t have all
day.
76.

130 INT. CABIN - LIVING ROOM - DAY 130 *

Eye-to-eye with a larger than life deer head that’s mounted
on the cabin wall. Andrew stands inside the cabin’s small, *
shabbily decorated living room area.

Thomas and Josh enters. *

JOSH
What the fuck?

ANDREW
It’s a hunting cabin. I found a *
closet in the back with some guns
and ammo. There’s some canned food
in the cabinets, water, and beer in
the refrigerator (to Thomas).
There’s a couple of rooms back with *
beds in them. Go get some rest.
We’ll stay here until dark-

JOSH
Why does he get to rest first? I
walked all night too.

ANDREW
Because I fucking said so. Now get
some food, and grab one of those
rifles, and ammo. You got first *
watch.

Thomas walks towards the back of the cabin, stops. Glances
back to Josh.

THOMAS
What did you mean out there?

Andrew’s head snaps around.

ANDREW
What did you say to him?

THOMAS
He said that I’m not like the two
of you, dad either. That I’m
different and there’s some secret-

ANDREW
Go get some rest, Thomas. *

Andrew flashes Josh a harsh glare.
77.


ANDREW
And don’t worry about what he said, *
okay.

Thomas, nods... disappears down the hallway. Andrew glares at *
Josh.

ANDREW
Didn’t I tell you to keep your
fucking mouth shut?

JOSH
I’m sick of him and this fucking
family secret. He doesn’t know. He
really believes we’re his brothers
and that piece of shit bus driver
is his dad. *

Andrew walks to the front window, eases the curtain back, *
searches the outside area. *

ANDREW
And that’s how it’s going to stay.
Not another word. Do you hear me?

Josh glares. *

ANDREW
Now, go get one of those rifles and
make sure the damn thing works.
There’s enough food and water here
to feed a small Army which means
the red necks that use this place
may be coming back soon. I want to
get some rest then get the hell out
of here before that happens.

Josh flashes a fuck you look as he disappears into the
hallway.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Greg stands outside his house, grappling with the emotional turmoil of his wife's reopened case as Detective Mac warns him about acting on his feelings regarding their son Brandon's involvement. Meanwhile, in a cabin, Andrew asserts control over Thomas and Josh, who are frustrated by the family secret surrounding Thomas's identity. The scene is charged with urgency and conflict, highlighting the contrasting environments of chaos outside and tension within the cabin, as unresolved issues simmer among the characters.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Revealing crucial information
  • Complex character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel repetitive or melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension, reveals crucial information, and sets up future conflicts, keeping the audience engaged and invested.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of family secrets, betrayal, and the search for truth is compelling and drives the narrative forward.

Plot: 9

The plot unfolds with significant revelations, escalating conflicts, and high stakes, setting the stage for further developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a complex family dynamic and a sense of mystery surrounding the characters' relationships. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters' motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, with complex relationships and motivations that add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience internal conflicts and revelations that hint at potential changes in their dynamics and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

Greg's internal goal is to find out more information about his wife's case and the whereabouts of his son. This reflects his deep desire for closure and to protect his family.

External Goal: 7

Greg's external goal is to cooperate with the police investigation and potentially help catch the suspects involved in the murders. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with the ongoing investigation and ensuring justice is served.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, driving the tension and drama forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations between characters. The audience is left unsure of how the characters will resolve their differences.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of uncovering family secrets, dealing with betrayal, and seeking justice add urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, revealing crucial information and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between characters and the unexpected revelations about the family's secrets. The audience is left unsure of how the characters will react.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between Greg's emotional response to the situation and Detective Mac's more rational and pragmatic approach. This challenges Greg's beliefs about justice and the need for immediate action.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anger, and tension, creating an emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense, emotional, and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, tense atmosphere, and high stakes. The conflict between characters keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue keeps the audience engaged and invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. Dialogue is properly formatted and contributes to the pacing of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and plot progression. It maintains tension and suspense throughout.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by juxtaposing Greg's emotional turmoil with the cold, methodical nature of the police investigation. However, the dialogue could be more dynamic; it often feels expository rather than organic. For instance, Mac's lines could be more nuanced to reflect her concern for Greg while maintaining her professional demeanor.
  • The transition between Greg's emotional state and the practicalities of the investigation is somewhat abrupt. While it's clear that Greg is distressed, the scene could benefit from more internal conflict or visual cues that illustrate his emotional state, such as physical reactions or flashbacks to happier times with his family.
  • The introduction of Andrew, Thomas, and Josh in the cabin feels disjointed from the previous scene. While it serves to build the subplot, the connection between the two scenes could be strengthened. Consider adding a line or two that ties Greg's situation to the boys' predicament, perhaps through a shared theme of family or identity.
  • The dialogue between Andrew and Josh is somewhat predictable and lacks depth. Their conflict could be more layered, revealing more about their motivations and the family secret. This would enhance the stakes and make the audience more invested in their dynamic.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. The first half, focusing on Greg and Mac, is tense and engaging, but the shift to the cabin feels rushed. More time could be spent on the boys' interactions to build suspense and develop their characters further.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the emotional depth of Greg's character by incorporating more physicality or internal monologue that reflects his anxiety and desperation. This could include him fidgeting, pacing, or having flashbacks that interrupt his thoughts.
  • Consider revising Mac's dialogue to include more subtext, allowing her to express concern for Greg without directly stating it. This could create a more complex relationship dynamic between them.
  • Strengthen the connection between the two scenes by adding a line or visual cue that links Greg's investigation to the boys' situation, perhaps through a shared theme of family or loss.
  • Deepen the conflict between Andrew and Josh by revealing more about their motivations and the family secret. This could involve a more heated exchange that hints at their troubled past and the implications of their actions.
  • Adjust the pacing by allowing for a smoother transition between Greg's scene and the cabin scene. This could involve a brief moment of reflection for Greg before cutting to the boys, or a visual motif that connects the two settings.



Scene 31 -  Chaos at the Cabin
131 INT. MAC’S CAR - DAY 131 *

Mac drives at breakneck speed down the highway. Greg sits
white knuckled in the passenger’s seat.

MAC
The locals found the car in a
wooded area in north Georgia.
They’re going over it now.

GREG
Any signs that someone may have
been hurt?
78.


MAC
You know what I know. We’ll be
there in an hour.

Mac stomps on the gas... the car races forward.

MAC
Or less. By-the-way, you look like
shit. You should go try to get some
sleep.

Mac slams on the gas pedal. The car lurches forward again,
she swerves sharply to avoid a slower-moving car. Greg fires
her a frightened look. *

MAC
What?

132 EXT. MAC CAR - DAY 132 *

Mac car speeds down the highway.

EXT. CABIN - DAY *

The sun is setting over the distant treetops. An engine revs, *
and, a mud-covered 4x4 truck rumbles to a stop in front of *
the cabin. The door opens and a camouflaged pant leg and a
dirty work boot steps out. *

This is DONALD DEARBORN (20), tall, overweight. His long hair
hangs beneath his dirty baseball cap. His camouflaged pants *
and jacket are as dirty as his boots.

133 INT. TRUCK - DAY 133 *

DANNY PERNELL (20), dirty mullock hair cut, baseball cap,
plaid flannel shirt, dirty sleeveless jacket, and jeans grabs
his rifle, then cuts a glance through the back window at
JUNIOR SIMMS (18) fast asleep in the truck’s bed. *

DONALD
Should we wake up sleeping ugly?

Junior steps out of the truck, his rifle resting across his
arms.

JUNIOR
Hell no. That’s what the sum bitch
gets for drinking all fucking nite.

They share a laugh as they walk towards the cabin.
79.

134 INT. CABIN - DAY 134 *

Andrew pressed flush against the wall, peeks through the
curtain at the approaching hunters. Josh waits behind the
door. Both have guns in hand, as keys jingle, the door opens,
and -

Donald walks in.

He stops, cuts confused glances at -

A SERIES OF SHOTS

-- Empty beer cans in the middle of the floor.

-- A crumbled blanket on the chair.

-- An open can of food on the counter.

END SERIES OF SHOTS

He senses something’s not right, but it’s too late. He
freezes at the sight of Josh’s gun hovering inches away from
his face.

JOSH
Move another inch, Hillbilly and
I’ll blow your fucking brains out.
Now, slowly give me that rifle.

Donald eases the rifle off his shoulder, Josh snatches it,
motions him into the room. Andrew moves quickly. He’s out on
the porch, his gun aimed directly at Danny. Danny’s eye pop,
he moves to ready his rifle.

ANDREW
Don’t do it, white boy!

Danny freezes. *

ANDREW
Drop the fucking rifle! *

Danny releases the rifle. It thuds hard against the porch. He
raises his hands over his head, speaks slowly, loud.

DANNY
Just take it easy, buddy! Don’t
want that there gun ya holding to
go off, or nothing!

ANDREW
Shut your fucking mouth!
80.


He cuts a glance over Danny’s shoulder at the truck. *

ANDREW
Anybody else with you?

Danny replies, again... loud.

DANNY
No! We alone! Ain’t nobody but us!

135 EXT. TRUCK BED - DAY 135 *

Junior lies flat in the truck’s bed. His eyes wide with fear,
his hand slowly searching for his rifle.

ANDREW (O.C.)
Stop fucking shouting and move your
ass! Let’s go! Get inside!

Junior eases up, peeks through the truck’s muddy back window
to see Danny being led at gunpoint into the cabin. *

Andrew gives the truck and the area a final scan... Junior
drops down, clutching his rifle, panting... then the cabin
door slams shut. He slides off the back of the truck and
eases into the front seat. Picks up the mic on a CB radio. *


136 INT. CABIN - LIVING ROOM - DAY 136 *

Josh has Donald at gunpoint near the front door. Andrew
directs Danny to move near the hallway that leads to the back
of the cabin.

DONALD
My keys are in my front pocket. If
you boys take my truck and leave
now, you’ll have time to get going
before the others show up.

JOSH
How many more of you assholes are
coming?

DANNY
This is our hunting weekend so
three trucks. Four or five guys
each.

ANDREW
Fuck.
81.

137 EXT. CABIN - DAY 137 *

Junior slowly eases to the cabin’s back door, opens it, and
slips unnoticed into the cabin’s tight, dark hallway. His
shotgun is up and at the ready. He moves slowly, quietly down
the hallway, towards -

Andrew, agitated standing near the hallway entrance, his gun
aimed dangerously close to Danny’s head.

JOSH
What we gonna do, Andrew?! We gotta
get the hell out of here, we gotta
go now, man!

Junior eases down the hallway, his shotgun leveled square on
Andrew’s head when -

A bedroom door opens. *

He spins, spots Thomas standing in the doorway behind him. He
levels his shotgun. Thomas’ eyes pop. He reacts, dives back
into the bedroom just as Junior fires.

BOOM!

The hallway fills with smoke and splintered wood as buckshot
pellets dig into the walls.

Andrew spins, spots Junior in the hallway... he fires, puts
two rounds dead center Junior’s back. Junior stumbles forward *
and falls... dead before he hits the floor. *

Danny, seeing his opportunity, rams into Andrew, knocking him
hard against the wall. Josh, distracted by the shotgun’s
blast, takes his eyes off Donald for a brief moment. It’s a
big mistake.

Donald swings and connects to the side of Josh’s head causing
him to stumble backward. Josh’s gun flies from his hand as he *
falls to the floor. Danny delivers a brutal punch and a swift *
hard kick to Andrew’s mid-section.

It’s a violent all-out brawl now - a fight to the death.

A SERIES OF VIOLENT SHAKEY SHOTS

-- Danny struggles with Andrew for control of his gun giving
us a flash glance at the large knife tucked the back of his *
jeans.

-- Donald’s punches are short, aimed, and precise. He’s
getting the best on Josh. Then, in a flash, the tables turn
and -
82.


Josh pins him against the wall and pounds the shit out of
him, just as -

-- Thomas runs into the room and is knocked to the floor by
Andrew and Danny.

-- Danny slams his forehead into Andrew’s face. Blood
explodes from his nose. Andrew reels backward, drops his gun.
Advantage Danny.

-- Donald makes a final attempt to turn the tide of the ass-
kicking he’s receiving from Josh, but it’s too late. Josh
dives over a small table, lands near his gun. He grabs the
gun, spins, and fires three rapid shots -

BANG! BANG! BANG!

All direct hits. Blood spews from Donald’s chest, neck, and
face.

Donald clutches his neck, gags for air as blood pools between *
his fingers... he drops to his knees. Josh fires two more *
shots -

BANG! BANG! *

Into his Donald’s head. Donald slumps bloodied and dead to *
the floor.

-- Danny grabs Andrew’s gun and spots Thomas getting up from
the floor. Andrew spots him leveling his gun on Thomas. He
fires -

BANG!

The round slams hard into the wall just above Thomas’ head.

-- Danny squares for a second shot, just as gunshots ring out *
- *

BANG! BANG!

The rounds slam into Danny’s side and chest spinning him *
around and sending the gun flying from his hands. Danny falls *
backward, and slides down the wall. He looks down at the *
blood pumping from the crimson holes in his jacket.

Josh fires again - *

BANG! BANG! *

Headshots. Danny’s brain fragments splatter against the wall. *

END SERIES OF SHAKEY SHOTS, as -
83.


The room goes quiet.

Thomas slowly scans the room, his eyes falling on -

-- Josh, bloodied and stunned.

-- Donald laying in a pool of his own blood.

-- Danny’s blood-soaked body slumped against the wall.

Thomas frightened trembles uncontrollably. He cautiously
eases himself from the floor while glancing over to Andrew, *
slumped over. Andrew uses one hand for support, the other is *
wrapped tightly around his mid-section. He pants unusually
hard.

THOMAS
An-drew?

Josh flashes a glance at his brother as he moves quickly to
the window and nervously checks the outside surroundings.

JOSH
We need to get the fuck out of here
now! We need to go right now!

Andrew doesn’t respond. *

Thomas stares, nervous now... fear growing in his eyes as all
sound goes away... in the background, Josh panics as he moves
back and forth across the window. Thomas’ eyes slowly widen,
his fears turn quickly to reality as Andrew leans back to
reveal -

His blood-soaked mid-section and hand gripped tightly around
Danny’s knife protruding from his stomach. *
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Mac drives aggressively down the highway with a fearful Greg, discussing a troubling car discovery in Georgia. Meanwhile, a group of hunters arrives at a cabin, where they encounter Andrew and Josh, leading to a violent confrontation. The struggle escalates, resulting in multiple deaths, including Andrew's fatal stabbing by Danny. The scene is filled with tension and chaos, culminating in shock and panic among the survivors.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Unexpected twists
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Graphic violence

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, with intense action, violence, and suspense that keeps the audience engaged. The unexpected turns and high stakes contribute to a gripping and memorable sequence.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a deadly confrontation in a secluded cabin is executed effectively, with well-paced action, escalating tension, and unexpected twists that keep the audience on edge.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around a violent confrontation between the characters, leading to multiple deaths and escalating tension. The plot progression is driven by the characters' actions and decisions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the survival thriller genre, with unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and decisions. The authenticity of the characters' dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene display fear, aggression, and desperation, adding depth to the conflict. Their actions and interactions drive the plot forward and create a sense of unpredictability.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo changes in their behavior and relationships during the scene, as they confront life-threatening situations and make difficult decisions. These changes add complexity to their personalities and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is survival and protecting themselves and their group from the threat posed by the hunters. This reflects their deeper need for safety and security.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to outsmart and defeat the hunters who have invaded their cabin. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the need to protect themselves.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving physical combat, weapon threats, and life-or-death situations. The characters' conflicting goals and actions drive the tension and drama.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult challenges and life-threatening situations. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will overcome the obstacles.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with multiple characters facing life-threatening situations, leading to deadly confrontations and irreversible consequences. The sense of danger and urgency heightens the tension and drama.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by resolving a conflict, leading to multiple deaths, and setting up new challenges for the characters. The events in the scene have a lasting impact on the narrative.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden turns of events, unexpected character actions, and high level of tension. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between survival instincts and moral values. The characters are forced to make difficult decisions to protect themselves, leading to ethical dilemmas.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and shock in the audience, as the characters face deadly consequences and make desperate choices. The emotional intensity adds depth to the conflict and engages the viewers.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and intentions effectively. The tense exchanges and threats heighten the suspense and drama.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, high stakes, and unpredictable twists. The audience is kept on the edge of their seats, invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast-paced and intense, building tension and suspense effectively. The rhythm of the action keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear descriptions and action lines that enhance the visual storytelling. It follows the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, building tension and conflict effectively. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the fast-paced dialogue and the high-stakes situation, particularly with Mac's aggressive driving and Greg's anxious demeanor. However, the transition from the car to the cabin feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the flow of the narrative.
  • The dialogue between Mac and Greg is functional but lacks depth. While it conveys urgency, it could benefit from more emotional weight. Greg's fear and desperation could be more vividly expressed to create a stronger connection with the audience.
  • The introduction of the hunters is somewhat disjointed. While their characterization is established through their dialogue and actions, the scene could benefit from more visual cues or descriptions that highlight their personalities and motivations, making them more memorable.
  • The action sequences are intense and well-paced, but they could be enhanced with clearer descriptions of the environment. For instance, detailing the cabin's interior or the hunters' surroundings could create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • The climax of the scene, where the violent confrontation occurs, is gripping but may come off as chaotic. While chaos can be effective in action scenes, ensuring that the audience can follow the action is crucial. Consider using more specific visual cues to guide the viewer through the fight.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection for Greg in the car, allowing him to express his fears or memories related to his son. This could deepen the emotional stakes before the action unfolds.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Mac and Greg by incorporating more personal stakes. For example, Greg could mention specific fears about what might happen if they arrive too late, adding urgency to their mission.
  • Introduce the hunters with more descriptive language that highlights their physicality and demeanor, making them distinct characters rather than archetypes. This could involve small details about their appearance or mannerisms.
  • In the action sequences, use more varied sentence structures to create rhythm and pacing that matches the intensity of the scene. Short, punchy sentences can convey urgency, while longer sentences can build tension.
  • Consider incorporating a moment of silence or stillness after the chaos of the fight, allowing the audience to process the violence and its implications. This could also serve as a moment for Thomas to react emotionally to the events unfolding around him.



Scene 32 -  Desperate Measures
138 EXT. CABIN - DAY 138 *

Chaotic, shaky. Josh supports Andrew as they stumble towards
Donald’s truck. Every step causes Andrew a tremendous amount
of pain, every step causes blood to squirt from his gaping *
wound. Josh looks back at Thomas. *

JOSH
Go get the rifle, and the ammo! (to
Andrew) Hang in there, bro! We’re
getting outta here! (to Thomas) GO! *

Thomas dashes back into the cabin.
84.


DETECTIVE JACKSON (PRE-LAP) *
CSI found good prints, hair
samples, a few cigarette butts.

139 EXT. NORTH GEORGIA PD - VEHICLE COMPOUND - DAY 139 *

CSI agents carefully collect evidence from the brown car. In
the b.g., Detective ANDREW JACKSON (40) tall, slim, chiseled *
features observe with Greg and Mac.

GREG
What about blood? Did you find-

DETECTIVE JACKSON *
No blood.

A sense of relief covers Greg’s face.

DETECTIVE JACKSON *
I’ll take you over to the lab.
We’re rushing the DNA tests, but it *
looks like this is going to be your
vehicle.
*
Detective Jackson walks away. Mac follows. Greg’s gaze *
lingers on the car a moment longer.

140 INT. THE KILLEEN HEARLD BUILDING - MIA’S OFFICE - DAY 140 *

Mia stressed, sits quietly in her office. The door opens and
Sandra walks in. She drops something on her desk. Mia leaps *
up. *

MIA
What is this?

SANDRA
John just called. They found the
car in north Georgia. Greg’s on his
way there now. He’s going to need
you there when all of this is over.
Your plane leaves in two hours.

Sandra turns, walks out of the office... stops, doesn’t look
back. We see her emotion in her eyes.

SANDRA
Bring him back, Mia... bring both
of them back.

Sandra walks out. Mia glances down to the plane ticket on her *
desk. *
85.

141 INT. DONALD’S TRUCK - DAY 141 *

Josh is driving. Andrew, seated in the middle, his head
resting on Thomas’ shoulder, is covered with blood and fading
in and out of consciousness.

THOMAS
We need to find a hospital! He *
needs a doctor!

JOSH
Shut up! We can’t stop. Somebody *
might recognize us, this truck.

THOMAS
But he’s bleeding really bad, Josh! *

Josh ignores Thomas’ pleas, presses harder on the gas pedal.

JOSH
We’re not stopping. Now shut up,
and watch for the fucking police.

Thomas pissed leans over to comfort Andrew when he spots
Josh’s handgun resting between his legs. His eye flit between *
Josh and his gun, and in a flash -

Thomas grabs the gun and points it inches from Josh’s head. *

JOSH
What the fuck! What are you doing?!
Put that damn gun down before you
accidentally shoot me! *

THOMAS
Believe me, Josh it won’t be an
accident.

Thomas chambers a round.

THOMAS
We’re going to find a hospital,
we’re going to get Andrew some
help.

Josh, furious cuts a quick glance to Thomas before turning
his focus back to the road.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a tense scene, Josh helps the severely injured Andrew towards Donald's truck while urging Thomas to retrieve a rifle. As they drive, Andrew's condition worsens, leading Thomas to threaten Josh with a gun to force him to stop for medical help. Meanwhile, Detective Jackson discusses evidence related to their case, and Mia prepares to assist Greg, highlighting the urgency and emotional stakes involved. The scene culminates in a standoff between Josh and Thomas, emphasizing the desperation to save Andrew.
Strengths
  • Intense pacing
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Complex character dynamics
  • High-stakes conflict
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel cliched or predictable

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, gripping, and emotionally charged, effectively building tension and keeping the audience engaged throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of characters on the run, facing life-threatening situations, and making difficult decisions is well-executed, adding depth to the storyline.

Plot: 9

The plot is fast-paced, filled with twists and turns, and advances the overall narrative significantly, setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic 'on the run' scenario by focusing on the internal conflicts and moral choices of the characters. The dialogue feels authentic and the actions are unpredictable, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, each with their own motivations and conflicts, driving the action forward and adding layers of complexity to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, particularly Thomas, who takes a decisive action that alters the dynamics of the group and his own character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to save his friend Andrew and get him to a hospital. This reflects his loyalty, compassion, and sense of responsibility towards his friend.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to evade capture and get Andrew to safety. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the danger they are in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict is high, with characters facing life-threatening situations, internal struggles, and moral dilemmas, creating intense drama and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting priorities and moral dilemmas creating obstacles for the characters. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with characters facing imminent danger, betrayal, and life-altering decisions, raising the tension and suspense to a peak.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new revelations, escalating conflicts, and setting up future developments, keeping the audience invested in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting motivations and unexpected actions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will resolve.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

There is a philosophical conflict between Josh and Thomas regarding the importance of saving Andrew versus avoiding detection. Josh prioritizes avoiding recognition, while Thomas prioritizes saving their friend's life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, including fear, tension, and empathy for the characters' plight, making it emotionally impactful.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and reveals the characters' emotions and intentions effectively, enhancing the dramatic tension of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense action, and moral dilemmas. The audience is invested in the characters' fates and the outcome of their choices.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' choices and actions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a suspenseful action sequence, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and drama.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the physical struggle of Josh and Andrew, highlighting the urgency of their situation. However, the chaotic and shaky description could be more vividly illustrated through specific actions or sensory details to immerse the audience further.
  • The dialogue between Josh and Thomas is functional but lacks emotional depth. While it conveys the urgency of Andrew's condition, it could benefit from more subtext or emotional stakes to enhance the characters' relationships and the gravity of the situation.
  • The transition between the cabin and the police compound feels abrupt. The scene could benefit from a smoother transition that connects the two locations thematically or narratively, perhaps by showing the consequences of the violence in the cabin on the investigation at the police compound.
  • Detective Jackson's dialogue about the evidence found in the car is informative but lacks emotional weight. This moment could be enhanced by showing Greg's internal reaction to the news, emphasizing his hope or despair regarding the situation.
  • The introduction of Mia and Sandra adds an emotional layer, but it feels somewhat disconnected from the main action. Integrating their storyline more seamlessly with the main plot could strengthen the narrative cohesion and emotional impact.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the chaotic atmosphere, such as sounds of Andrew's labored breathing or the smell of blood, to create a more immersive experience.
  • Add emotional subtext to the dialogue between Josh and Thomas, perhaps by revealing their past or their feelings about Andrew, to deepen the audience's investment in their characters.
  • Consider using a visual or auditory cue to transition between the cabin and the police compound, such as a siren in the background or a news report, to create a stronger narrative link.
  • Show Greg's emotional response to Detective Jackson's news about the car, perhaps through a physical reaction or an internal monologue, to convey the stakes more effectively.
  • Weave Mia and Sandra's storyline more tightly into the main action, perhaps by having them react to the news from the police compound or by showing how their concerns for Greg and Andrew impact their decisions.



Scene 33 -  Blood in the Cabin
142 EXT. DONALD’S TRUCK - DAY 142 *

The truck speeds down the highway.
86.


DETECTIVE JACKSON (PRE-LAP) *
Watch your step. Fucking blood
everywhere.

143 INT. CABIN - LIVING ROOM - DAY 143 *

Detective Jackson and Mac ease into the cabin. The place is *
an absolute mess. Blood is splattered everywhere. They
immediately spot Donald and Danny’s beaten and bloodied *
bodies. Detective Jackson points to Donald. *

DETECTIVE JACKSON *
The big guy over there is Donald
Dearborn. That’s his cousin Danny
Pernell.

They circle the room. Detective Jackson looks into the *
hallway and spots Junior Simms bloodied body.

DETECTIVE JACKSON *
Damn, Junior Simms.

144 EXT. CABIN - DAY 144 *

The entire cabin is taped off by yellow crime scene tape.
Emergency vehicles sit in the front, local Officers cordon *
off the area. Detective Jackson, angry talks to the SWAT *
commander out of earshot of Greg and Mac.

Greg watches the conversation with deep intensity, he doesn’t
have to hear to know what’s being said. He walks towards
Detective Jackson. The angry SWAT commander glares as he *
walks away.

GREG
Detective?

Detective Jackson doesn’t respond, pulls out his cell phone. *

GREG
Detective, you have to give me a
chance, we don’t know if-

DETECTIVE JACKSON *
Let me tell you what I know,
Colonel.

Greg flashes a troubled look.
87.


DETECTIVE JACKSON *
Those dead boys in there, they were
good kids, kids I knew well, kids
that every Officer on this force *
knew well. Now I have to tell their *
families they’re dead. *

Mac appears.

DETECTIVE JACKSON *
We’re shutting down the city and
we’re going to find these bastards
and if they so much as fucking
twitch a face muscle, I swear,
we’re going to cut them to pieces.

He glares at Greg... his face tense, angry. *

DETECTIVE JACKSON *
Every got-damn one of them.

He walks away against Greg’s fearful gaze.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Detective Jackson and Mac arrive at a chaotic crime scene in a cabin, discovering the bloody bodies of Donald Dearborn, Danny Pernell, and Junior Simms. Jackson, filled with anger and grief, confronts a SWAT commander about the murders, vowing to find the killers. His emotional turmoil is evident as he brushes off attempts at conversation from Greg, highlighting the tension and unresolved conflict. The scene captures the stark contrast between the violence inside the cabin and the somber atmosphere outside, ending with Jackson walking away, leaving Greg visibly shaken.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • High stakes
  • Emotional impact
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Potential for overwhelming intensity
  • Lack of character development in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, with intense emotions, high stakes, and a sense of urgency driving the narrative forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a city in chaos following a violent incident is compelling and sets the stage for a gripping manhunt.

Plot: 9

The plot is intense and engaging, with the revelation of the dead bodies leading to a city-wide search for the perpetrators.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar crime investigation setting but adds originality through the intense dialogue and the protagonist's strong emotions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are deeply affected by the events, showing a range of emotions from anger to fear.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo emotional turmoil and face the consequences of the violent confrontation, leading to potential changes in their motivations and actions.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to seek justice for the victims and their families. This reflects his deeper need for closure, his fear of failure, and his desire to protect his community.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to investigate the crime, find the perpetrators, and ensure the safety of the city. This reflects the immediate circumstances of a violent crime and the challenges of law enforcement.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high, with tensions running high among the characters and the city in chaos following the violent incident.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges from the crime scene, the perpetrators, and his own emotions. The audience is kept on edge.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters race against time to find the perpetrators and bring them to justice, with the city in chaos and innocent lives at risk.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a city-wide manhunt and raising the stakes for the characters involved.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected violence and the protagonist's extreme reactions. The audience is unsure of how the investigation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between justice and revenge. Detective Jackson's desire to cut the perpetrators to pieces challenges the values of due process and the rule of law.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, with fear, anger, and tension palpable throughout.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is tense and impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and setting the tone for the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, intense emotions, and the sense of urgency in solving the crime. The conflict and tension keep the audience invested.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences adds to the scene's intensity.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime investigation genre, with clear scene transitions and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys a sense of urgency and chaos, particularly through the visceral imagery of blood and the emotional weight of Detective Jackson's dialogue. However, the emotional stakes could be heightened by delving deeper into Greg's internal conflict and his relationship with the deceased characters, especially since he is witnessing the aftermath of violence that may be connected to his own family.
  • Detective Jackson's anger and frustration are palpable, but the scene could benefit from more nuanced dialogue that reveals his personal connection to the victims. This would add depth to his character and make the audience more invested in the outcome of the investigation.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, particularly in the transition from the cabin to the exterior. Slowing down the moment when Greg approaches Detective Jackson could allow for a more impactful exchange, emphasizing Greg's desperation and the gravity of the situation.
  • The visual descriptions are strong, but they could be enhanced by incorporating Greg's perspective more explicitly. For instance, describing his physical reactions to the gruesome scene could help the audience connect with his emotional state.
  • The dialogue between Greg and Detective Jackson is confrontational, which is effective, but it lacks a moment of vulnerability from Greg. Allowing him to express his fear or guilt could create a more compelling dynamic between the two characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief flashback or memory that connects Greg to the deceased characters, which would deepen the emotional impact of their deaths on him.
  • Introduce a moment where Detective Jackson reflects on his relationship with the victims, perhaps sharing a personal anecdote that highlights their humanity and the tragedy of their deaths.
  • Slow down the pacing when Greg approaches Detective Jackson, allowing for a more drawn-out moment of tension that emphasizes Greg's desperation and the stakes of the situation.
  • Incorporate more physical reactions from Greg as he processes the scene, such as trembling hands or a moment of nausea, to visually convey his emotional turmoil.
  • Add a line or two where Greg expresses his fears or regrets, creating a moment of vulnerability that contrasts with Detective Jackson's anger, thereby enriching their interaction.



Scene 34 -  Chaos at Red Devil High
145 INT. DONALD’S TRUCK - DAY 145 *

Josh drives slowly through the small town. His eyes nervously
searching the streets and surrounding buildings.

Thomas, the gun still pointed at Josh, spots the Red Devil
high school gymnasium. His eyes fall on a sign that reads -
Red Devil High School Wrestling Tournament.

The parking lot is full of vehicles, but his eyes lock onto
an ambulance parked near the Gymnasium door. He raises his
gun to level.

THOMAS
There, pull over there! *

Josh spots the ambulance.

ANDREW
We can’t stop there. We’ll get
caught, we have to keep-

THOMAS
Do it!

EXT. DONALD’S TRUCK - DAY *

The truck slows to a stop near the rear of the ambulance.
88.

146 INT. DONALD’S TRUCK - DAY 146 *

Josh turns to Thomas.

JOSH
If am gon do this, I’m going to
need that fucking gun.

Thomas stares... unsure what to do. He cuts a quick glance to
the rifle resting against his door. He grabs it, points it at *
Josh. Tosses the handgun in Josh’s lap. Josh, pissed grabs
the gun. *

JOSH
Stay here.

147 INT. AMBULANCE - DAY 147 *

Two middle-aged paramedics, SAM (40) and JOY (30) sit in the *
front of the cab listening to the small portable radio, when
the Sam’s face suddenly goes flush - he drops his soda, *
raises his arms slowly.

JOSH
What’s your name, boy?

Drew, nervous.

SAM *
Sam. My name is, Sam. *

Joy spots Josh’s, gun pressed firmly against Sam’s head. Josh *
opens the door.

JOSH
Let’s go, Sam. Out... (to Joy) you, *
come out this side and keep your
hands where I can see them.

Arms held high in the air, both slide out of the ambulance. *

JOSH
You got some medical shit in this
thing?

SAM *
There’s a kit in the back.

JOSH
Let’s go. Move!
89.

148 EXT. TOWN - STREET - DAY 148 *

An unmarked police car moves slowly past the Red Devil
gymnasium.

149 INT. UNMARKED POLICE CAR - DAY 149 *

Detective ROD GADSON (40) immediately recognizes Donald’s
muddy truck parked at the back of the ambulance. He slows,
spots, Josh and the two paramedics. He picks up his radio
hand mic.

150 INT. CABIN - DAY 150 *

Detective Jackson, Mac, and Greg speed to Detective Jackson’s *
car - *

DETECTIVE JACKSON *
The truck’s been spotted at the Red
Devil high school. (to an unknown
Officer) Alert SWAT, and somebody *
get the Chief on the horn. *


151 INT. DONALD’S TRUCK - DAY 151 *

Thomas careens, spots the unmarked car moving slowly down the
street, and the person inside starring intensely, talking on
a hand mic.

THOMAS
Josh!

152 EXT. AMBULANCE - DAY 152 *

Josh spots the unmarked car. He locks eyes with Gadson. He
follows the unmarked car as it moves slowly down the street. *
He spots a police cruiser slowing to a stop at the far end of
the street.

ANDREW
Shit!

153 INT. RED DEVIL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY #1 - DAY 153 *

The doors burst open. Sam and Joy, supporting Andrew stumble *
in. Josh follows with his gun trained on them. Thomas, rifle
in hand speeds in and slams the door shut behind them. *
90.

154 INT. RED DEVIL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY #2 - DAY 154 *

Five Red Devil students walk playfully down the hallway. They
turn the corner and stop dead in their tracks. They stand for
a moment, bewildered, not sure what to make out of -

Josh standing several feet away.

Their eyes fall on the gun raising in Josh’s hand. *

JOSH
Don’t fucking move!

The two students in the back make a break for it... they dash
across the hallway. Josh fires - *

BANG! BANG!

He misses. His shots slam into the wall, spraying concrete
fragments into the air. The students disappear around the
corner. The other three students hit the deck.

155 INT. RED DEVIL HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY 155 *

The gym is crowded and loud. Fans and team members cheer the
ongoing matches, when -

The muffled sounds of gunfire ring out, causing several fans
to flash troubled glances. A referee turns, cuts a glance *
first at the door that connects the gym to the main school,
then to an - *

Officer standing near the door. *

The Officer speaks into his mic attached to his jacket lapel *
then disappears through the door.

156 INT. RED DEVIL SCHOOL - HALLWAY #3 - DAY 156 *

Josh leads the students and paramedics, still supporting
Josh, at gunpoint down the hallway. Thomas follows at the
back of the group. They near a corner in the hallway, when *
Josh spots -

The Officer from the gym turning the corner. *

The Officer reaches for his gun, but he’s too late. Josh *
squeezes off a shot -

BANG! *
91.


Striking the Officer in the shoulder. The impact forces him *
back around the corner. Andrew races forward and turns the *
corner. The Officer, kneeling, waiting, fires - *

BANG! BANG! BANG! *

Andrew dives back around the corner.

The Officer fires three more rounds - *

BANG! BANG! BANG! *

Before slamming into the door, and falling backwards into - *


157 INT. RED DEVIL HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY 157 *

For a brief, eerie moment, the wrestlers, coaches, fans, and *
family members fall completely silent, all eyes locked onto *
the scrambling Officer. Then, everyone erupts into pure *
pandemonium.

158 EXT. RED DEVIL HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY 158 *

The gym doors explode open and the frantic crowd inside tears
out.

159 INT. DETECTIVE JACKSON’S CAR - DAY 159 *

Detective Jackson, Mac, and Greg speed down the highway. *
Jackson’s radio blares to life. *

DISPATCHER (V.O.)
All available cars. 10-53 in
progress, shots fired at the Red
Devil high school, Officer down. *
Possible Atlanta murder suspects
inside. All available cars respond.
I repeat, 10-53, shots fired at the
Red Devil high...

A worried look flash across Greg’s face.

DETECTIVE JACKSON *
Shit!

Detective Jackson stomps the gas pedal... the car speeds down *
the highway.
92.

160 EXT. RED DEVIL HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY 160 *

Detective Jackson, Mac, and Greg stand at the rear of *
Detective Jackson’s car. Detective Jackson slips on a black *
body armor vest with bold, large white words POLICE visible
on the front and back.

Detective Gadson from the unmarked car and another Officer *
work frantically on the school’s wounded Officer. *

DETECTIVE JACKSON *
(to Mac)
Detective Gadson and I are going
in. We’ll contain them until SWAT
arrives. I need you to stay here
with these Officers and cover the *
exits best you can.

Mac draws her weapon. She reaches into her shirt, allows her
badge to hang visibly.

MAC
I want to go in with you.

DETECTIVE JACKSON *
Not an option.

MAC
Fuck your options.

DETECTIVE JACKSON *
As much as I’d love to have the
extra gun inside, we have to cover
these exits until SWAT and backup *
arrives. *

Detective Jackson flashes Mac a pleading look. *

DETECTIVE JACKSON *
I need you to make that happen, *
Detective. *

Mac doesn’t like the option, but she knows he’s right. She
relents.

GREG
I want to go-

MAC DETECTIVE JACKSON
No! No! *

GREG
My son is in there, and-
93.


DETECTIVE JACKSON *
Got-dam-it, Colonel, there may be a
lot of son’s in there. Stay the
fuck out here and keep your head
down!

Detective Jackson grabs a shotgun from his trunk, pumps a *
round. Greg and Mac watch Detective Jackson and Detective *
Gadson, race crouched towards the gym door. *
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a tense scene, Josh takes control of a chaotic situation by threatening paramedics Sam and Joy at gunpoint, forcing them into Red Devil High School. As he navigates the school, he fires shots at fleeing students and shoots a responding officer, escalating panic during a wrestling tournament. Detective Jackson and his team rush to confront the crisis, while concerned parents like Greg worry for their children inside. The scene is marked by urgency and fear as law enforcement prepares to intervene.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Well-developed plot
Weaknesses
  • Potential for violence
  • High tension may be overwhelming for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with intense action, suspense, and high stakes that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of armed suspects taking hostages at a high school wrestling tournament is unique and creates a tense and dramatic situation.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with a clear escalation of tension and conflict as the scene unfolds.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on a high-stakes hostage situation, with unexpected twists and turns that keep the audience engaged. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their actions and motivations drive the tension and conflict in the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo some changes as they are forced to make difficult decisions in the face of danger.

Internal Goal: 8

Josh's internal goal is to protect himself and those around him, while also potentially seeking revenge or justice for past events. His actions reflect his need for control and power in a dangerous situation.

External Goal: 7

Josh's external goal is to evade capture and potentially carry out a plan involving the ambulance and paramedics. His actions reflect his immediate circumstances and the challenges he faces in a high-stakes situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with physical, emotional, and moral conflicts driving the action.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with multiple obstacles and challenges that the characters must overcome, adding to the suspense and unpredictability.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are extremely high, with lives on the line and the potential for tragic consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a critical confrontation and raising the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and outcomes that challenge the audience's expectations and keep them guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the use of violence and power to achieve goals. Josh's actions challenge societal norms and moral values, as he resorts to extreme measures to achieve his objectives.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and anxiety in the audience, creating a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, driving the action and revealing the characters' emotions and intentions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and unpredictable twists that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and intense, with well-timed action beats and dialogue that maintain a sense of urgency and momentum.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, with well-paced action and dialogue that build tension and suspense effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension as it transitions from the truck to the school, but the pacing could be improved. The dialogue feels a bit rushed, and the stakes could be heightened by allowing more time for character reactions and emotional weight.
  • The character motivations are somewhat unclear, particularly for Thomas. While he is holding a gun on Josh, his internal conflict and the reasons behind his actions could be more explicitly conveyed to enhance audience empathy.
  • The dialogue between Josh and Thomas lacks distinctiveness. Their voices could be more differentiated to reflect their personalities and emotional states. For instance, Josh's dialogue could be more aggressive and commanding, while Thomas's could reflect his fear and uncertainty.
  • The action sequences, particularly the gunfire, could benefit from clearer descriptions. Instead of simply stating 'BANG! BANG!', consider adding sensory details that convey the chaos and fear of the moment, such as the sound of bullets ricocheting or the panic in the air.
  • The transition between the truck and the school feels abrupt. A smoother transition could help maintain the tension and flow of the scene. Consider adding a moment where the characters reflect on the gravity of their situation before entering the school.
Suggestions
  • Expand on Thomas's internal conflict as he points the gun at Josh. Adding a line or two that reveals his fear or hesitation could deepen his character and make the audience more invested in his choices.
  • Consider incorporating more sensory details during the action sequences to immerse the audience in the chaos. Describe the sounds, sights, and even smells to create a more vivid experience.
  • Differentiate the characters' dialogue more clearly. Give each character a unique way of speaking that reflects their personality and emotional state, making it easier for the audience to follow who is speaking.
  • Add a moment of reflection or hesitation before the characters enter the school. This could be a brief exchange that highlights their fear or determination, enhancing the emotional stakes of the scene.
  • Ensure that the stakes are clear throughout the scene. Remind the audience of what is at risk for each character, particularly for Greg, to maintain tension and emotional engagement.



Scene 35 -  Desperate Measures
161 INT. RED DEVIL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY #3 - DAY 161 *

Josh waits crouched low against the wall. He has the rifle
now. He aims it at the door that leads into the gym, just as *
two dark silhouettes warily approach the thick stained glass *
door panes. He waits until one of the blared figures is in
view. He fires - *

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! *


162 EXT. RED DEVIL HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY 162 *

Mac is about to brief arriving Officers when the automatic *
rifle fire rings out inside the school. Intuitively, everyone
ducks, except one -

Greg.

GREG
Nooooo!

He bounds full speed towards the school.

MAC
Colonel Thompson! No!

Greg ignores her. He reaches the gym door. Mac watches as he
eases the door open and peeks inside. Satisfied it’s clear,
he jerks open the door and enters.

MAC
Shit! (to the waiting Officers) *
Stay here!

She leaps to her feet and dashes towards the school. *


163 INT. RED DEVIL HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY 163 *

Mac enters the gym, makes her way to Greg as he drags *
Detective Gadson’s lifeless body away from the door. Mac *
speaks in an agitated, hushed voice. *
94.


MAC
What the fuck do you think you’re
doing?! *

GREG
Detective Jackson’s been hit, but *
he’s alive. We need to get them out *
of here.

She glances at Detective Gadson’s lifeless body, blood *
pouring from under his vest just as two Officers spring *
through the gym door.

MAC
Over here!

The two Officers speed to them. *

MAC
Secure this door and call a bus. *
Get someone in here to help get *
these guys out.

The two Officers, nod. One moves to the door that connects *
the gym to the hallway. The other sprints out of the gym.

MAC
Colonel Thompson, you cannot be
here.

GREG
I’m going to get my son, Detective! *

MAC
Like hell you are! *

He looks at her firmly.

GREG
I’ve been waiting ten years
Detective, ten fucking years, so
you can either help me, shoot me,
or stay the hell out of my way.
Your choice.

Mac glares as Greg drags Detective Jackson away from the *
door, and using his body to conceal his move, he slips
Detective Jackson’s handgun into his pants. He cuts Mac a *
dismissive glance, then peeks through the shattered door into *
the empty hallway.

MAC
Don’t even think about-
95.


Too late. Greg disappears through the door.

MAC
Colonel! Fuck!
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense scene at Red Devil High School, Josh prepares to shoot at approaching figures, igniting chaos. Greg, driven by desperation to save his son, defies Mac's authority and rushes into the school despite her warnings. Inside the gym, Mac discovers Detective Gadson dead and Detective Jackson injured, heightening the stakes. As tensions escalate, Greg's determination clashes with Mac's attempts to maintain order, ultimately leading him to leave the gym against her wishes, leaving her frustrated and helpless.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • Dramatic tension
  • Emotional depth
  • Sharp dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential for violence
  • Complexity of the situation

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a perfect blend of action, drama, and suspense that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a father risking everything to save his son in the midst of a violent situation adds depth and emotional resonance to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot is gripping, with multiple layers of conflict and tension that drive the narrative forward and keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the familiar 'shooter in a school' scenario by focusing on the protagonist's personal stakes and moral dilemmas.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their motivations are clear, adding depth to the scene and enhancing the emotional impact of the unfolding events.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo significant challenges and revelations in the scene, leading to potential growth and development as the story progresses.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to save lives and protect those in danger. This reflects his deeper desire for justice and redemption.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to rescue his son from the shooter. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with high stakes and emotional consequences driving the characters' actions and decisions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and moral dilemmas that create uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high in the scene, with characters' lives on the line and the outcome of the confrontation having far-reaching consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new conflicts and revelations that propel the narrative towards its climax.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions of the characters and the shifting power dynamics.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between following the rules and taking matters into one's own hands. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in authority and justice.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene is emotionally charged, with high stakes and intense action that elicits a strong emotional response from the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, conveying the urgency and tension of the situation while also revealing important character dynamics and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, fast-paced action, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension and momentum, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the standard screenplay format for action scenes, making it easy to visualize the events.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a high-stakes action sequence, with clear beats and escalating tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension with the immediate threat of gunfire and the urgency of Greg's actions. However, the pacing could be improved by adding more internal conflict for Greg as he makes the decision to rush into danger, which would heighten the emotional stakes.
  • The dialogue between Greg and Mac is impactful, showcasing their conflicting priorities. However, it could benefit from more subtext. For instance, instead of Greg simply stating his intentions, he could express his fear or desperation in a way that reveals more about his character's emotional state.
  • The physical actions in the scene are clear, but the visual descriptions could be more vivid. For example, instead of just stating that Greg drags Detective Gadson's body, consider describing the weight of the body, the blood, and the urgency in Greg's movements to create a more visceral experience for the reader.
  • The stakes are high, but the scene could be enhanced by incorporating sensory details that immerse the audience in the chaos. Describing the sounds of the gunfire, the smell of gunpowder, or the panic of the people around could elevate the tension further.
  • The transition from the hallway to the gym is somewhat abrupt. A brief moment of hesitation or a flashback to Greg's memories of his son could add depth to his motivation and make his actions more relatable.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of hesitation for Greg before he rushes into the school, allowing the audience to feel his internal struggle and fear for his son.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Greg and Mac by incorporating more emotional weight, perhaps by having Greg express his fears or regrets about the past.
  • Use more descriptive language to convey the physicality of the scene, focusing on the weight of the bodies, the blood, and the urgency of the situation to create a more immersive experience.
  • Incorporate sensory details to heighten the tension, such as the sounds of chaos, the smell of gunpowder, and the reactions of bystanders to the gunfire.
  • Add a brief flashback or memory for Greg as he prepares to enter the gym, reminding the audience of his motivations and the stakes involved in his actions.



Scene 36 -  Tensions Rise at Red Devil High
164 INT. RED DEVIL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY #3 - DAY 164 *

Greg peers into an empty hallway. Mac eases up close from *
behind. She taps him on the back, motions for him to move
behind her. He shakes his head, no. Mac speaks in a low
voice.

MAC
I’m the one with the gun, remember?

Greg holds up Detective Jackson’s gun for Mac to see. She *
shakes her head in disbelief.

165 INT. RED DEVIL HIGH SCHOOL - CLASSROOM - DAY 165 *

A typical classroom complete with tables, chairs, computers,
and usual adornments. The frightened students sit in a tight *
group against the wall.

Andrew lies on one of the tables. The paramedics are busy
working on his wound. Thomas, gun in hand, watches. Josh *
paces nervously. *

JOSH
I told you! I told you we couldn’t
stop!

THOMAS
(to Joy)
Is he going to live?

JOY
He’s lost a lot of blood, so unless *
we get him to the hospital soon, he *
will die. *

Thomas motions for Joy and Sam to move away. He walks over to *
Andrew, places a gentle hand on his forehead.

THOMAS
Andrew, she say you gone die unless *
they take you to a hospital.

Andrew forces a halfhearted smile.

ANDREW
Josh.
96.


Josh races over, shoves Thomas aside.

JOSH
This little bitch got us in a heap
of shit here, bro. I’m trying to *
figure out how to get us out of *
here, so just hang in there, *
alright.

ANDREW
It’s over Josh. No one else is
gonna die today. Let those kids go,
then you and Thomas put the guns
down, and-

JOSH
No! They’ll kill me! I gotta to get
out of here, I-

ANDREW
None of us are getting out of here
alive unless you put those guns
down.

JOSH
Fuck that! I ain’t giving up like
some bitch! I’m not going to jail-

THOMAS
If we don’t give up, Andrew is
going to die! *

Josh pivots, smashes Thomas hard in the face.

JOSH
Shut your fucking face!

Thomas stumbles and falls to the floor. Blood spills from his
nose. The students scream.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense scene at Red Devil High School, Mac attempts to assert control with a gun, only to be confronted by Greg, who reveals he is armed as well. Meanwhile, in a classroom, injured Andrew is being treated by paramedics as frightened students look on. The situation escalates when Josh, blaming Andrew for their predicament, refuses to surrender, leading to a violent confrontation with Thomas, who is trying to convince him to give up to save Andrew's life. The scene culminates in chaos as Josh violently attacks Thomas, leaving the students in a state of panic.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Violent confrontation
  • Negative sentiment

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, with intense emotions, high stakes, and a significant turning point in the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a standoff in a school setting with characters facing life-threatening situations is gripping and adds depth to the overall narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot reaches a critical moment with characters making life-changing decisions and facing the consequences of their actions.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on a familiar hostage situation, with complex character dynamics and moral dilemmas. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their motivations and conflicts drive the tension in the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant changes in their beliefs and actions, especially under pressure.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect the students and prevent further violence. This reflects their deeper desire for safety and peace.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to defuse the situation and ensure everyone's safety. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with an armed individual.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

The conflict is at its peak with characters facing life-or-death decisions and emotional turmoil.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult choices and conflicting desires.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high with characters' lives on the line and crucial decisions to be made.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward with major revelations and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting motivations and unexpected actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict is between Josh's desire to escape and avoid consequences, and Andrew's plea for peace and surrender. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about justice and sacrifice.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the characters and the audience, creating a powerful impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and reveals the characters' emotions and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, emotional conflict, and unpredictable twists.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and suspense.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, building tension and conflict effectively.


Critique
  • The tension in this scene is palpable, effectively capturing the desperation of the characters. However, the dialogue could be tightened to enhance the urgency. For instance, some lines feel repetitive, particularly in the exchanges between Josh and Andrew. Streamlining their dialogue could maintain the tension without losing the emotional weight.
  • The physicality of the scene is strong, especially with Josh's violent outburst towards Thomas. However, the impact of this moment could be heightened by providing more context about Thomas's character and his relationship with Andrew and Josh. This would make the violence feel more significant and emotionally charged.
  • The scene shifts between Greg and the classroom, which creates a disjointed feeling. It might be more effective to maintain a tighter focus on one location at a time, allowing the audience to fully absorb the stakes in either the hallway or the classroom before switching perspectives.
  • While the stakes are clear, the motivations of Josh could be further developed. His fear of going to jail is evident, but exploring his backstory or his relationship with Andrew could add depth to his character and make his actions more relatable.
  • The use of medical urgency with Andrew's condition is a strong plot device, but it could be enhanced by showing more of the paramedics' struggle to save him. This would not only heighten the tension but also emphasize the stakes for Thomas, who is caught between his loyalty to Josh and his concern for Andrew.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to eliminate redundancy and enhance the urgency. For example, instead of repeating similar sentiments, focus on concise, impactful lines that convey the characters' desperation.
  • Add a brief flashback or a line of dialogue that hints at Thomas's relationship with Andrew and Josh, which would provide context for his emotional turmoil and make the violence more impactful.
  • Maintain a tighter focus on one location at a time to allow the audience to fully engage with the emotional stakes. For instance, you could start with Greg in the hallway and then transition to the classroom after establishing his urgency.
  • Explore Josh's backstory or his relationship with Andrew to provide more depth to his character. This could be done through a brief exchange or a moment of reflection that reveals his fears and motivations.
  • Incorporate more action from the paramedics as they work on Andrew, showcasing their struggle and urgency. This would not only heighten the tension but also emphasize the stakes for Thomas, who is torn between his loyalty to Josh and his concern for Andrew.



Scene 37 -  Desperate Negotiation
166 INT. RED DEVIL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY #2 - DAY 166 *

Greg and Mac move slowly down the hallway, they freeze at the
sound of the screaming students. They move quickly,
tactically in the direction of the screams.

167 INT. RED DEVIL HIGH SCHOOL - CLASSROOM - DAY 167 *

Josh hovers angrily over the group of frightened and cowering
students.
97.


JOSH
Shut up! Shut the fuck up, or I’ll
shoot all you mutha-fuckas! *

Thomas gets up slowly from the floor. Josh spins, levels his
rifle on him.

JOSH
The gun mutha-fucker!

Thomas wipes away the blood running from his nose, lays his *
gun on the floor. He kicks it several feet away from Josh. *

THOMAS
He’s our brother Josh and he’s
gonna bleed to death if we don’t
get him to a hospital.

ANDREW
He’s not your fucking brother, dumb- *
ass! *

Josh glances towards Andrew on the table. Tears swell in his
eyes. He’s about to speak when the classroom door suddenly
burst open, and -

Mac, followed by Greg bolts in.

MAC
Freeze, police!

Andrew spins... fires wildly towards the door -

BANG! BANG! BANG!

Greg dives to the floor, landing behind a large desk. Mac *
falls hard on top of him, she rolls away. Greg spots the
stream of blood pouring from her left forearm. *

GREG
You’re hit.

MAC
I’m okay.

Greg turns his attention to the threat across the room. He
sits for a moment, contemplating his next move.

GREG
Thomas, can you hear me?!
98.


Thomas, surprised, looks in the direction of the counter,
then cuts at glance at Josh, his arm wrapped firmly around a *
young female student’s neck, his gun pressed firmly against
her frightened face.

JOSH
Hey Mutha-fucka! I’m in charge *
here, not him! You got something to
say, you say it to me!

GREG
Okay, okay! I’m going to place my
gun on the countertop...

Mac flashes Greg a penetrating, disapproving glare.

GREG
Then I’m going to stand up so I can
see you, and you can see me, okay?!

Greg and Mac speak in hushed voices.

MAC
What the fuck are you doing?

GREG
My son is over there. I need to see
him, talk to him.

MAC
You can’t-

Greg reaches up, sets his gun on top of the counter.

JOSH *
Put the other cop’s gun up there
too!

MAC
Not going to happen, asshole! *

JOSH
Do it or I’ll blow this little
bitches face off! The other gun,
now!

Mac pulls her spare weapon from her ankle holster, hands it
to Greg. He sets the gun on the countertop.

JOSH
(to Thomas)
Go get em and bring them to me.
99.


Thomas speeds over, grabs the guns, speeds to Josh. Josh
tucks Greg’s gun in his waistband, sets the other on the desk
near him.

GREG
There! You have both guns now! My
partner is shot and bleeding bad!
She can’t stand up but, I’m going
to stand up now. I’m unarmed, so
don’t shoot me!

He gives Mac a final glance, calms himself, then slowly
stands, his hands held high. His eyes dart quickly, searching *
the room with nervous and anticipated excitement. We see what
he sees -

-- The group of frightened students cowering on the floor.

-- Josh clutching one of the frightened students, his gun
pressed against her face.

-- The two paramedics crouching near Andrew, and finally, his
eyes fall on -

Thomas *

And immediately time appears to freeze in place. The room *
narrows into a shotgun vision on the young figure standing
across the room, and - *

Greg stares in sober disbelief at the son he hasn’t seen in *
ten years.

JOSH
Hey Mutha-fucka! *

Greg snaps back to the now, turns to Josh. *

GREG
Josh, right?

JOSH
Shut your fucking mouth cop, and
listen-

Josh presses his gun hard into the side of the young
student’s face. She whimpers. *

GREG
Hold on, son, take it easy! I’m not
a cop. My name is Greg Thompson.
I’m in the Army.
100.


JOSH
I don’t give a fuck who you are!
I’m walking out of here, or I’m
gonna kill this little bitch and
all of her friends!

The frightened group of students cower together as Josh
shuffles close to them.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a tense classroom standoff, Greg confronts his estranged son Josh, who is holding students hostage with a rifle. As Greg attempts to negotiate for their safety, he reveals his identity as an Army member to connect with Josh, who struggles with his emotions. Meanwhile, injured student Thomas tries to reason with Josh, but the situation escalates when Josh threatens violence, leaving the lives of the students hanging in the balance.
Strengths
  • Intense tension
  • Emotional depth
  • Compelling conflict
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Violent confrontation
  • Chaotic setting

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, emotion, and suspense. The high-stakes situation and the revelation of the father-son relationship add depth to the conflict, making it a compelling and impactful scene.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a father discovering his son in the midst of a hostage situation in a school is unique and gripping. The tension and emotional complexity of the scene are well-executed, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Plot: 8

The plot is driven by the intense hostage situation and the revelation of the father-son relationship. The conflict between the characters adds depth to the plot, creating a compelling narrative that keeps the audience engaged.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the school shooting trope by focusing on the emotional and personal connections between the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, each with their own motivations and conflicts. The father's emotional journey of discovering his son adds depth to the scene, while the tension between the other characters heightens the stakes.

Character Changes: 8

The father undergoes a significant emotional change upon discovering his son, adding depth to his character arc. The other characters also experience shifts in their motivations and relationships, contributing to the overall character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Greg's internal goal in this scene is to protect his son and the other students from harm. This reflects his deeper need for connection and family, as well as his fear of losing loved ones.

External Goal: 9

Greg's external goal is to diffuse the situation and prevent further violence. This reflects the immediate challenge of negotiating with the gunman and ensuring the safety of the students.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving the hostage situation, the father-son relationship, and the characters' personal struggles. The high stakes and emotional tension drive the conflict to a climax.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and high stakes that create uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are extremely high in the scene, with lives on the line, a father discovering his long-lost son, and a tense hostage situation unfolding in a school setting. The high stakes drive the tension and conflict to a peak.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the characters, their relationships, and the ongoing conflict. The father-son revelation and the escalating tension propel the narrative towards a climactic resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics and unexpected character choices. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will resolve.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between Josh's violent and aggressive behavior and Greg's attempts to resolve the situation peacefully. This challenges Greg's values of compassion and non-violence.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, with the father's discovery of his son amidst a dangerous situation evoking fear, anxiety, and determination. The characters' emotional journeys and the intense conflict heighten the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense, emotional, and realistic, adding depth to the characters and the conflict. The exchanges between the characters drive the scene forward and reveal their motivations and emotions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense dialogue, and emotional depth. The audience is invested in the outcome of the characters' actions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a balance of action and dialogue that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, building tension and conflict effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the use of dialogue and action, particularly with Josh's aggressive demeanor and the frightened students. However, the dialogue could benefit from more variation in tone and pacing to enhance the emotional stakes. For instance, Josh's repeated use of profanity may dilute its impact; consider using it sparingly to maintain its shock value.
  • The physical actions of the characters, such as Greg's slow movements and Mac's injury, create a sense of urgency. However, the transition from Greg's contemplation to his decision to stand up feels abrupt. A moment of internal conflict or hesitation could deepen the emotional weight of his choice, emphasizing the stakes involved.
  • The introduction of Greg's identity as an Army member is a strong moment, but it could be more impactful if it were tied to a specific memory or emotion that resonates with Josh. This would not only establish a connection but also heighten the tension as Josh grapples with his feelings towards his estranged father.
  • The scene's pacing is generally effective, but the dialogue-heavy sections could benefit from more visual storytelling. For example, instead of relying solely on dialogue to convey the students' fear, consider incorporating more visual cues, such as their body language or facial expressions, to enhance the atmosphere.
  • The climax of the scene, where Greg reveals his identity, is powerful but could be strengthened by a more gradual buildup. Allowing for more back-and-forth dialogue between Greg and Josh before the reveal could create a more dramatic tension, making the moment feel earned rather than sudden.
Suggestions
  • Consider reducing the frequency of profanity in Josh's dialogue to maintain its impact and create a more nuanced character.
  • Add a moment of internal conflict for Greg before he stands up, showcasing his fear and determination, which would enhance the emotional stakes.
  • Incorporate a specific memory or emotional connection when Greg reveals his identity as an Army member to create a deeper bond with Josh.
  • Enhance the visual storytelling by focusing on the students' reactions and body language to convey their fear more effectively.
  • Build up to the reveal of Greg's identity with more dialogue exchanges between him and Josh, allowing for a more dramatic and impactful moment.



Scene 38 -  Confronting Truths
168 EXT. ROOFTOP - DAY 168 *

Thin crosshairs move slowly, searching the inside of the
classroom. The crosshairs stop on an obscured view of Josh.

SNIPER #1
Sniper Six, this is Sniper One. No *
shot. Target obscured by hostage,
over.

169 INT. RED DEVIL HIGH SCHOOL - CLASSROOM - DAY 169 *

Greg eases clear of the counter. His eyes flicking quickly
between Josh and Thomas.

GREG
(to Josh)
Listen to me, Josh. The school is *
surrounded. They found the dead
boys in the cabin and you shot two
of their Officers in the gym. Their *
SWAT teams are in place and I
promise you, they’re going to storm
in here and kill all of you if you
don’t put an end to this right now. *

Josh drags his hostage, his back against the wall now. *

GREG
There’s no place for you to go.
It’s over.

He cuts a glance to Andrew’s blood-soaked body on the table.

GREG
There’s still time for you to help *
your brother.

ANDREW
Nah, man! Fuck you! I want a car
right now so I can get outta here *
and this bitch and Thomas are *
coming with me-! *
101.


GREG
They’re not going to let that
happen, Josh.

Greg inches slowly towards Thomas. He pointedly keeps his
attention on Josh and his teenage hostage.

170 EXT. ROOFTOP - DAY 170 *

Sniper #1’s crosshairs are locked on Mac hidden behind the *
counter, her shirt’s covered with blood.

SNIPER #1 *
Sniper Six, this is Sniper One. I *
have the Atlanta Detective in my
sight. She’s alive, but bleeding,
lower left arm. She’s armed and *
posted behind a desk near the *
entrance, over.

171 INT. RED DEVIL HIGH SCHOOL - CLASSROOM - DAY 171 *

Greg eases closer to Thomas.

JOSH
That’s far enough, mutha-fucker!
Whatever else you gotta say, you’d
better say it quick, then get your *
ass out there and get my car, or
little miss sunshine here dies
first!

GREG
I’m not here to talk to you, Josh.

Josh flashes Greg a frightened, confused look.

GREG
I’m here to talk to him.
(off Thomas’ confused glance)
This is all going to sound strange
to you Thomas, and maybe at first a
little hard to believe, but,
this... this is not your life. You
were never meant to be here.

Thomas glances at Josh, then back to Greg.

THOMAS
Who are you?
102.


GREG
My name is Greg Thompson. 10 years *
ago my wife Angie, your mother was
murdered.

Thomas’ eyes pop, he flashes a confused look.

GREG
She was killed by a friend from our
old neighborhood, a relative of
his.

Greg points to Josh.

GREG
He couldn't kill you so he took you
and gave you to the man you think
is your father.

THOMAS
I, I don’t understand. How-

Greg’s expression turns somber.

GREG
I know, son. I know this is hard to
understand, but you have to listen
to me. Your real name is Brandon
Tyler Thompson. You were taken from
me when you were three years old. I *
can prove all of this, but not
here. Right now you have to let
these people go before somebody
else gets hurt, or killed.

THOMAS
No. None of this makes sense. My
dad-

ANDREW (O.C.)
It’s true Thomas.

They all turn their attention to Andrew as he struggles to
lift himself on the table. *

ANDREW
Doug isn’t your dad, Thomas, and *
we...

He cuts a glance to Josh.

ANDREW
We’re not your brothers.
103.


THOMAS
What do you mean, Andrew?

JOSH
It’s you dumb-ass! You’re the *
fucking family secret we were never *
allowed to talk about!
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary On a rooftop overlooking Red Devil High School, a sniper observes a tense hostage situation in a classroom. Greg attempts to negotiate with Josh, who is holding a hostage and aggressively dismisses Greg's claims about family identity. Greg reveals to Thomas that he is actually Brandon Tyler Thompson, his long-lost son, a revelation supported by Andrew. As the confrontation escalates, Josh refuses to accept the truth, leading to a dramatic standoff filled with urgency and desperation, ultimately leaving the situation unresolved.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Revealing plot twist
  • Emotional depth of characters
Weaknesses
  • Complexity of family relationships may be challenging for some viewers to follow

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a major plot twist, intense dialogue, and emotional revelations. The tension is palpable, and the stakes are raised significantly.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of revealing a long-held family secret and the consequences of past actions is executed effectively. The scene adds depth to the overall story and characters.

Plot: 9

The plot takes a significant turn with the revelation of Thomas's true identity and the confrontation between the characters. It moves the story forward and sets up future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the hostage situation trope by incorporating themes of identity and family secrets. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with complex motivations and emotional depth. Their interactions drive the tension and reveal new layers to their relationships.

Character Changes: 8

Thomas undergoes a significant change upon learning the truth about his identity, while Greg and Josh's relationship is further strained. The characters' dynamics shift dramatically.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to reveal the truth to Thomas about his identity and past, despite the danger and chaos surrounding them.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to prevent further violence and harm by convincing Josh to release the hostages and surrender.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high, with tensions running high between the characters. The revelation of family secrets and conflicting loyalties drive the scene's intensity.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and high stakes for the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters confront long-held secrets, face life-threatening situations, and make crucial decisions. The outcome will have a profound impact on their lives.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing crucial information, escalating the conflict, and setting up future events. It changes the direction of the narrative significantly.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable in its revelations about Thomas' identity and the characters' true relationships.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of identity, family, and truth. It challenges Thomas' beliefs and values about his own life and relationships.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, especially with the revelation of Thomas's true identity and the characters' reactions. The stakes are personal and impactful.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is intense, emotional, and reveals crucial information about the characters and their past. It heightens the conflict and adds depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its high stakes, emotional depth, and suspenseful dialogue.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene enhances its effectiveness by building tension and suspense gradually.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for a screenplay, making it easy to follow and visualize.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format for its genre, building tension and conflict effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by juxtaposing Greg's desperate attempts to connect with Thomas against Josh's volatile behavior. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext; characters should convey their emotions and motivations through actions and implications rather than explicit statements.
  • Greg's revelation about Thomas's true identity is a pivotal moment, but it feels rushed. The emotional weight of this revelation could be enhanced by allowing more time for Thomas to process the information, perhaps through a moment of silence or a physical reaction before he responds.
  • The use of the sniper's perspective adds an interesting layer of tension, but it could be more integrated into the emotional stakes of the scene. For instance, the sniper's observations could reflect the urgency of the situation, emphasizing the potential consequences of failure.
  • Josh's character feels somewhat one-dimensional in this scene. While he is aggressive and desperate, exploring his internal conflict or fear could add depth. Why is he so adamant about keeping Thomas? What does he fear losing? This could create a more complex antagonist.
  • The pacing of the scene is uneven. The transition from Greg's negotiation to the revelation about Thomas's identity could be smoother. Consider using shorter, punchier dialogue during the negotiation to heighten the urgency, then slow down the pace when revealing the emotional truth.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more physical actions or reactions from Thomas as he processes Greg's revelations. This could include hesitations, body language, or even a moment of disbelief that visually conveys his internal struggle.
  • Consider adding a moment where Greg reflects on his past with Angie before revealing Thomas's identity. This could deepen the emotional stakes and provide context for his desperation.
  • Enhance the sniper's role by having him communicate more frequently with his team, providing updates that reflect the escalating tension and urgency of the situation.
  • Explore Josh's motivations further. Perhaps include a moment where he hesitates or shows vulnerability, allowing the audience to empathize with him, even as he remains a threat.
  • Revise the dialogue to include more subtext and implications rather than direct statements. This can create a more engaging and layered conversation that keeps the audience invested in the characters' emotional journeys.



Scene 39 -  Betrayal and Revelation
172 EXT. ROOFTOP - SNIPER #1 - DAY 172 *

Sniper One’s cross hairs slowly track off Andrew and over to *
Greg.

SNIPER #1
Sniper Six, this is Sniper One. I *
have the Army Officer in sight.
He’s standing near one of the
perps. No signs of injury, over.

SNIPER SIX (V.O.) *
Roger. Standby for tactical breach.

173 INT. RED DEVIL HIGH SCHOOL - CLASSROOM - DAY 173 *

Andrew shares a glance with Greg. He looks back to Thomas. *

ANDREW
Dad didn’t want to take you, but
his Uncle threatened him. Said he *
would make it look like dad killed *
your mom. He had to take you. *

THOMAS
Take me! From where?!

ANDREW
When we got older, we asked dad why *
Uncle Alex took you from those
people, but he made us promise to *
never ask him about that day again.
Over the years he started to feel
bad about what happened to your
mother, to you, so he started to
treat you better... like you really
were his son.

Thomas stares in shocked disbelief.
104.

174 INT. RED DEVIL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY 174 *

A six-man SWAT team moves quietly down the hallway. The lead
man signals... the team quickly and quietly stack up near the
classroom door. The SWAT leader eases up... peeks into the
room.

175 INT. RED DEVIL HIGH SCHOOL - CLASSROOM - DAY 175 *

Mac spots shadowed movement beneath the classroom door. She
looks up, locks eyes with the SWAT leader. She points to her
gun, holds up three fingers. The SWAT leader nods... lowers
himself out of view.

176 INT. RED DEVIL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY 176 *

The SWAT Leader taps his automatic rifle. Holds up three *
fingers. The men nod. He taps his right outside thigh, holds
up two fingers. The second and third men in the stack quietly
remove cylindrical flash-bang grenades.

The SWAT Leader eases up a second time, again making eye
contact with Mac. He points to his watch, holds up two
fingers. She nods.

177 EXT. RED DEVIL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY 177 *

The SWAT Leader whispers into is throat mic. *

SWAT LEADER
Breach in two.

178 INT. RED DEVIL HIGH SCHOOL - CLASSROOM - DAY 178 *

Andrew calls out to Mac.

ANDREW
You, behind the desk. Are you *
really a cop?!

MAC
Yes. My name is Detective
Mackenzie, Atlanta PD!

ANDREW
Prove it! Show me your badge!

JOSH
What the fuck you doing man?!
105.


Andrew ignores him.

ANDREW
Stand up and show me your badge!

She clutches her badge hanging around her neck, pauses...
regards her decision for a moment... she eases her gun in a
slot on the desk, then stands, hold her badge hand high for *
them to see. Josh, nervous, spins towards her. *

JOSH
Hands bitch! Hands!

Mac raising her hands. *

GREG
Take it easy, Josh! Take it easy. *

Andrew speaks... there’s a lifting sense of relief... a
feeling of finality in his voice.

ANDREW
Listen to me very carefully, ma’am.
Thomas, he had nothing to do with
killing those cops and that snitch.
That was me and Josh.

JOSH
Shut the fuck up, Andrew!

ANDREW
The hit just went to shit. Josh
panicked and he shot the old store
owner from across the street.

JOSH
Got-dam-it Andrew! what da fuck, *
man?! Don’t tell them shit, we can *
still-

ANDREW
Thomas was just at the wrong place
at the wrong time. We didn’t know
he worked at that store. He didn’t
kill anybody at that cabin either.
That was me and Josh, too. Josh did
the big one. I killed the dude in *
the hallway and the one in the
flannel shirt. *

He runs his hand across his bloodied stomach, grunts a
painful chuckle.
106.


ANDREW
Just not fast enough.

Josh can’t believe what he’s hearing, and neither can Greg,
but Mac, a hard nose cop in one of the toughest cities in the
world has seen and heard it all before. She knows that this
is a dying man’s confession. *

ANDREW
Josh shot those cops in the gym
today.

He cuts Thomas a glance, grins sadly.

ANDREW
Thomas is innocent in all of this.
Like I said. He was just in the *
wrong place at the wrong time. A *
place he’s been for the last 10 *
years, now. *

Josh, his deadpan eyes locked on Andrew, slowly releases his
young hostage. She scurries away, cowers with the others. *
Josh walks slowly over to Andrew.

JOSH
Why you doing this, Andrew? Why you *
choosing him over me?

Thomas, motionless, searches the floor with his eyes until he
spots the gun he kicked across the floor.
Genres: ["Drama","Action","Crime"]

Summary In a tense classroom standoff at Red Devil High School, Army Officer Andrew confesses to various crimes, including the shooting of cops, while trying to protect his friend Thomas from the fallout of their troubled past. As Andrew reveals that threats from Uncle Alex led to his father's actions, Josh feels betrayed by Andrew's choices, escalating the conflict between them. Meanwhile, the SWAT team prepares for a tactical breach, heightening the urgency of the situation. The scene culminates with Thomas spotting a gun on the floor, foreshadowing potential violence.
Strengths
  • Intense emotions
  • Revealing dialogue
  • Complex character dynamics
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Violent confrontation
  • Confusing motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, with intense emotions, shocking revelations, and high stakes, making it a pivotal moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of family secrets, betrayal, and redemption is well-executed, adding depth to the characters and driving the plot forward.

Plot: 9

The plot is advanced significantly through the revelations and conflicts in this scene, setting up future developments and resolutions.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of redemption and sacrifice, with authentic character actions and dialogue that add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters show depth, complexity, and growth, especially with the revelation of family connections and personal motivations.

Character Changes: 9

Multiple characters undergo significant changes, especially with the revelation of family connections and personal truths.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to confess his involvement in criminal activities and protect an innocent person. This reflects his desire for redemption and to make amends for past mistakes.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to prevent harm to the innocent person and ensure their safety amidst a dangerous situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is high, with emotional, moral, and personal stakes driving the tension and drama in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting loyalties, moral dilemmas, and high stakes that create tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with lives on the line, family secrets exposed, and moral choices to be made, adding tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, revealing crucial information, deepening character relationships, and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected confession and moral complexities that challenge the audience's expectations.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around loyalty, betrayal, and the consequences of one's actions. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about right and wrong, loyalty, and sacrifice.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions, including shock, relief, and tension, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense, emotional, and revealing, capturing the conflicting emotions and motivations of the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its high stakes, emotional conflict, and suspenseful atmosphere that keeps the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic confession that drives the narrative forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a suspenseful action scene, enhancing the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic confession.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by juxtaposing the sniper's perspective with the emotional turmoil inside the classroom. This duality enhances the stakes, as the audience is aware of the imminent danger while the characters grapple with their personal conflicts.
  • Andrew's confession serves as a pivotal moment, revealing critical backstory and character motivations. However, the dialogue could be tightened to avoid redundancy. For instance, Andrew's repeated assertions about Thomas's innocence could be streamlined to maintain momentum.
  • Josh's emotional conflict is palpable, but his motivations could be more clearly defined. The scene hints at his feelings of betrayal, yet it could benefit from a more explicit exploration of his internal struggle, making his eventual actions more impactful.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally effective, but there are moments where the dialogue slows down the action. For example, Andrew's lengthy confession could be condensed to maintain urgency, especially as the SWAT team prepares to breach.
  • The visual elements, such as the SWAT team's movements and the sniper's focus, are well-executed, but the scene could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience further. Describing the sounds of the school, the tension in the air, or the physical reactions of the characters could enhance the atmosphere.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening Andrew's dialogue to eliminate redundancy and maintain a brisk pace. Focus on the most impactful lines that convey his guilt and the gravity of the situation.
  • Explore Josh's emotional conflict more deeply. Adding a moment of hesitation or reflection could heighten the tension and make his eventual decision more resonant.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere. Describe the sounds of chaos outside, the tension in the air, or the physical reactions of the characters to create a more immersive experience.
  • Ensure that the stakes remain high throughout the scene. As the SWAT team prepares to breach, consider adding a countdown or a sense of urgency that reflects the impending action.
  • Consider using visual cues to emphasize the emotional weight of the moment. For example, showing Greg's reaction to Andrew's confession could add depth to his character and highlight the familial ties at stake.



Scene 40 -  Rooftop Reckoning
179 EXT. ROOFTOP - SNIPER #1 - DAY 179 *

Sniper Six cross hairs lay dead center Andrew’s chest. *

SNIPER ONE *
Sniper One, Sniper Six. Target’s *
clear. I have a shot, over. *

SNIPER SIX (V.O.) *
On my command, we wait for the
breach, I say again do not take the
shot until breach begins, over. *


180 INT. RED DEVIL HIGH SCHOOL - CLASSROOM - DAY 180 *

Josh hovers over Andrew, tears run freely down his face. He
pulls Greg’s gun from his waistline, it hangs in his hand.

MAC
Josh!
107.


Josh ignores her, his tear-filled eyes locked on Andrew.
Across the room Thomas, eases slowly towards the gun on the
floor. Greg and Mac share fearful glances.

ANDREW
Because he didn’t ask for any of
this, Josh. The way he ended up
here, in this life, it wasn’t fair-

JOSH *
Fair?! You think it’s fair that dad
loved him more than us, that we
have a crack-head whore for a
mother?! Is that fair Andrew?! Is
it fair that I have to go to jail,
and he won’t?!

Andrew, barely able to hold himself up, turns to Greg.

ANDREW
I’m sorry this happened to your *
family. *

He turns his attention to Thomas.

ANDREW
Your’e a good kid, Thomas. I’m
sorry for the way we treated you,
the way I... treated you.

Thomas takes it all in... cuts a quick glance with his eyes
at the gun just inches from his feet now, back to Andrew.
Andrew slowly shakes his head, no.

JOSH
I can’t believe this shit, bro! You *
actually choosing him over your own
flesh and blood. After all the *
times I’ve stood by you, lied to
the police, protected you.

Josh frowns, then calmly plants his gun firmly against *
Andrew’s forehead, and chambers a round. *


181 INT. RED DEVIL HIGH SCHOOL - CLASSROOM - DAY 181 *

Greg steps towards Josh.

GREG
Josh wait! Please. It doesn’t have
to end this way.

Josh doesn’t respond, he keeps his eyes locked on Andrew. *
108.


JOSH
This ain’t right, Andrew. None of *
shit this ain’t right. *

Andrew smiles. These are words he’s heard many times before,
but he was always the one at the trigger end of the gun. He *
looks up to, Josh... smiles, speaks softly.

ANDREW
Shit never is... brother. *

He closes his eyes and Josh understands. He to has witnessed *
this scene play out many times before. He smiles slightly and *
- *

Pulls the trigger - *

BANG!

And the single shot ends Andrew’s life. *

His body collapses limp on the table. Mac grabs for her gun *
hidden in the desk’s slot. No use of her wounded arm, she *
does her best to square her aim. *

MAC *
Drop the gun, Josh! *

Josh spins, fires a rapid burst of shots - *

BANG! BANG! BANG! *

Mac ducks as the rounds ping and splinter around her. She *
raises quickly, fires two quick rounds - *

BANG! BANG! *

Josh stumbles backwards, hit in the leg. *

JOSH *
Got-dam-it! You fucking bitch! *


182 INT. RED DEVIL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY 182 *

The SWAT Commander punches his hand mic, shouts! *

SWAT LEADER *
(over his radio mic) *
Fuck! Flash bangs! We’re going in! *

The SWAT team members pull their flash-bang pins. *
109.

183 INT. RED DEVIL SCHOOL - CLASSROOM - DAY 183 *

Thomas reacts and reaches for the gun on the floor just as *
the two flash-bang grenades tumble loud across the room. *

Greg looks down in time to see two silver canisters tumbling *
by him. His eyes pop.

Josh looks back and spots the two silver canisters sliding
towards him. He spins, aims his gun at Greg not three feet *
away, and just as his finger tightens around the trigger, *
gunshots ring out - *

BANG! BANG! *

And Josh’s body snaps violently back from the two rounds - *

Thomas plows into him. *

Greg, stunned, glances quickly over to Thomas in time to spot *
him shaking hands and the smoke seeping from the barrel of *
the gun he’s holding. Greg’s eyes pop when he spots - *

Two tiny, bright red dots *

Paste dead center of Thomas’ chest. *

His eyes pop, he reacts, sprints towards, and dives in front *
of Thomas, right before Sniper One’s round pings through the *
classroom’s window pane a split second before - *

KA-BOOM! KA-BOOM! *

The room is rocked by two thunderous booms and covered
completely in a brilliant flash of blinding light.

184 INT. ATLANTA AIRPORT - DAY 184 *

Mia moves quickly through the airport. She cuts a glance at a
small group of passengers and airport personnel glued to a
hallway TV. She stops, stares at the TV, her eyes reveal her *
horror.

185 EXT. RED DEVIL HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY 185 *

Sam and Joy work frantically on someone. Mac Jumps into the *
back, the doors slam shut.
110.

186 INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY - DAY 186 *

The only sounds we hear are the low beep of a heartbeat
monitor and the tumbling wheels of the ambulance gurney *
speeding down the hallway. Blinking eyes reveal the hallway’s *
lights speeding by overhead. *


187 INT. ATLANTA COURT ROOM - DAY 187 *

SUPER: SIX WEEKS LATER

A SERIES OF SHOTS - BRANDON’S GRAND JURY HEARING

-- Detective Mac is on the witness stand testifying.

-- Thomas (BRANDON), dressed smartly, sits at a table with
his lawyer.

-- Sam testifies. *

-- One of the Young Student’s testify. *

-- The presiding judge listens intensely to the SWAT
Commander testifying.

END SERIES OF SHOTS

188 INT. HOSPITAL - GREG’S ROOM - DAY 188 *

Mia approaches the bed, leans over and kisses -

Greg

Softly on his forehead. He slowly opens his eyes, they share
a warm, loving smile.

189 INT. ATLANTA COURT ROOM - DAY 189 *

The Grand Jury Judge is making her final ruling.

JUDGE
Based on the witness testimonies,
and the dying confession of Mr.
Andrew Moore, I find insufficient
evidence to charge the Defendant, *
Brandon Tyler Thompson with the
counts before me. The charges are
dismissed without prejudice. Young
man, you are free to go.
111.


Brandon shows no emotion as he looks over his shoulder at
Detective Mac and Mia hugging Greg.
Genres: ["Drama","Action","Thriller"]

Summary On a rooftop, Sniper One prepares to take a shot at Andrew, who is confronted by Josh in a classroom. As Josh expresses his anger over their troubled family history, he pulls the trigger, killing Andrew. This act triggers a chaotic shootout between Josh and Mac, resulting in Josh being shot by Thomas, who is then fatally shot by the sniper. The scene escalates with a flashbang explosion as SWAT teams storm the school, leaving the characters' fates uncertain.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional moments
  • High-stakes action
  • Revelation of family ties
  • Dramatic sacrifice
Weaknesses
  • Potential for excessive violence
  • Complexity of multiple storylines

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, with intense emotional moments, high stakes, and a dramatic resolution. The tension is palpable, and the stakes are raised to a dramatic level.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a family reunion in the midst of a hostage situation adds depth and emotional weight to the scene. The revelation of family ties and the ultimate sacrifice elevate the emotional impact.

Plot: 9

The plot is tightly woven, with multiple storylines converging in a high-stakes situation. The resolution of the hostage crisis and the revelation of family secrets drive the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on themes of loyalty, justice, and redemption. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotional arcs are compelling. The complex relationships and conflicts between the characters add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, particularly Josh and Thomas. The revelation of family ties and the resolution of conflicts lead to character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to make amends and show compassion towards those he has wronged before facing his fate. This reflects his deeper need for redemption and closure.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to prevent further violence and protect those around him. This reflects the immediate challenge of a life-threatening situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with emotional, familial, and physical conflicts driving the action. The high stakes and personal stakes heighten the tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult choices and moral dilemmas that challenge their beliefs and values.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with lives on the line, family secrets at risk of exposure, and the potential for tragic consequences. The tension is palpable and the stakes drive the action.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, resolving key conflicts, revealing important information, and setting the stage for the next phase of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden escalation of violence and unexpected character choices that drive the narrative forward.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between loyalty to family and loyalty to justice. The protagonist must choose between protecting his brother and upholding the law.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene is highly emotional, with moments of sacrifice, redemption, and tragedy. The audience is likely to be deeply affected by the intense emotions and dramatic events.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is intense and emotional, reflecting the high stakes of the situation. The confrontations between the characters are powerful and drive the narrative forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, emotional conflicts, and unpredictable twists that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, leading to a climactic moment that resolves key conflicts and advances the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a dramatic scene, with clear action lines and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that builds tension and leads to a climactic moment. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The emotional stakes in this scene are high, but the dialogue could be more impactful. While the characters express their feelings, the lines sometimes feel on-the-nose or overly expository. For example, Josh's dialogue about fairness could be more nuanced to reflect his internal conflict rather than just stating his grievances outright.
  • The pacing of the scene is somewhat uneven. The tension builds well initially, but the transition to the climax feels rushed. The moment when Josh pulls the trigger could benefit from a slower build-up, allowing for more suspense and emotional weight before the shot is fired.
  • The visual elements are strong, particularly the sniper's perspective and the chaos in the classroom. However, the description of the action could be tightened. For instance, the sequence of events during the shootout could be clearer to avoid confusion about who is shooting at whom.
  • The character motivations are clear, but some of the emotional arcs could be developed further. For instance, Andrew's character could have a more defined moment of redemption or sacrifice that resonates with the audience, rather than just being a victim of Josh's actions.
  • The use of sound and silence could enhance the tension. The scene could benefit from moments of silence or muffled sounds to emphasize the gravity of the situation, particularly before the gun is fired.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it more subtle and layered. Instead of having Josh explicitly state his feelings about fairness, show his emotional turmoil through his actions and reactions.
  • Slow down the pacing leading up to the climax. Allow for a moment of hesitation or reflection from Josh before he pulls the trigger, which could heighten the tension and emotional impact.
  • Clarify the action sequences during the shootout. Use shorter, punchier sentences to convey the chaos and urgency, and ensure that the reader can easily follow who is involved in the conflict.
  • Develop Andrew's character further by adding a moment where he expresses a desire to protect Thomas, which could make his sacrifice more poignant and impactful.
  • Incorporate sound design into the scene description. Consider how the sounds of the gunshots, the chaos, and the silence before the climax can enhance the emotional weight of the moment.



Scene 41 -  Bittersweet Revelations
190 INT. COLUMBUS GEORGIA POLICE DEPARTMENT - SQUAD ROOM - DAY190

The squad room looks very much like it did 10 years ago. A
few new faces are busy at their desks. The computers and *
phones are more modern. The old whiteboard with the case
names on it still sits at the back of the room.

A door opens and the room’s occupants watch in silence as
Detective Howard escorts Angie’s handcuffed killer, Alex *
Morgan, into the room. *

As they pass through the room, a Detective stands and walks
over to the old whiteboard. He picks up an eraser, and with a
single swipe -

He wipes away the name Angie Thompson, beside the #1 at the
top of the board.

191 EXT. FORT HOOD - PARADE FIELD - DAY 191

A beautiful sunlit sky. Greg, in his Army uniform, stands
behind a podium giving a speech.

GREG
As your new Commander, I promise to
carry on our unit’s storied
traditions.

A military formation of several hundred soldiers stand across *
the field at the position of parade rest. Major General John *
Garrett, Sandra, and a small group of Army personnel sit to *
his rear.

GREG
And to all of you that, for so many
years stuck with me, guided and
protected me even from myself...

He glances over his shoulder to John and Sandra. *

GREG
Thank you.

He steps away from the podium, snaps to the position of
attention, presents a perfectly executed military hand
salute.
112.


GREG
Sergeant Major, the Brigade is
dismissed.

He drops his salute, stares proudly across the field.

192 EXT. FORT HOOD - RECEPTION TENT - DAY 192

The reception tent is full of well-wishers, soldiers, and *
guests eating, talking, and enjoying the moment.

Sandra walks over and joins John and the small group of
Officers surrounding Greg. She gives Greg a big smile and a *
motherly hug. *

SANDRA
I am so happy for you Greg, for all
of you.

GREG
Thank you, Sandra. Thank you for
everything.

She smiles, gently touches his face as she walks away.

Greg spots Detective Mac in the background, picking finger
food from a large platter on the table. He excuses himself
from the group, and looking astoundingly grateful, joins Mac
at the table.

MAC
Wow, look at all of this. You
military types really know how to
throw a party.

GREG
We try.

MAC
I spoke with Detective Howard from *
Columbus, PD. He said he worked
your wife’s case years ago. The
nephew was right, your wife wasn’t
your neighbor’s only victim.

GREG
How many?
113.


MAC
The counts up to sixteen so far,
all cold cases from different
locations surrounding the military *
bases he was stationed over the *
years.

GREG
Alex was a serial killer?

MAC
And a serial rapist.

GREG
How did I not see it?

MAC
The guy was a professional killer
Colonel Thompson which explains why
there was never any DNA evidence
found on your wife, or at the
scene.

Greg sighs. Mac looks over to Brandon standing near, Mia. *

MAC *
How’s he doing? *

Greg glances over to Brandon. *

GREG *
He’s still young, resilient. He’ll *
get the best counseling and in *
time... *

He gives Mac a warm look. *

GREG *
So what’s next for you? Back to *
Atlanta, nail more bad guys. *

MAC *
That and try dig myself out of an *
ugly situation. *

Greg flashes a concerned look. *

GREG *
Anything I can do for you? *

Mac forces a smile, chuckles. *

MAC *
Do you know my husband? *
114.


Greg takes the hint. Decides to retreat from the *
conversation. *

GREG
Thank you... for everything, *
Detective. If you every need *
anything that either myself, or the *
Army can help you with- *

Mac waves him off. *

MAC
You don’t have to thank me. But you
are one tough son-of-a-bitch, *
Colonel. You took a sniper’s round *
in the back and lived to tell about
it.

GREG
Believe me, it wasn’t on my to-do
list.

MIA
Yeah, well, either way, it was a
hell of a thing to do. You saved *
your son’s life. *

Greg glances over to Brandon standing with Mia and Sandra.

MAC
If you ever decide to give all of
this hut two three four shit up and
just happen to find yourself in
Atlanta, look me up. I could use a
good partner.

They share a laugh.

GREG
I’ll keep that in mind.

They shake hands. Mac walks away. Mia walks over to him.

MIA
Congratulations, Commander.

He leans in, hugs her tightly, whispers softly into her ear.

GREG
I love you.

She clutches him tightly, his words, the sound of his voice,
nearly brings her to tears. She whispers, sweetly. *
115.


MIA
I love you, too.

Greg slowly releases his hug as Brandon walks over, stares
calmly at Greg for a few moments before he allows his head to
sink into his father’s body. *

Greg gently wraps his arms around him. Mia watch, tears
flowing freely, and without regard. She joins the moment. *

Greg gazes out at a blurred, and slightly obstructed image,
between the gathered group across the tent - it’s Angie... a *
empty swing on the swing set sways back and forth in the *
background. *

She’s beautiful, dressed in soft white. He smiles. She
returns a pleasing and approving nod... she smiles, and *
somehow he knows that this will be the last time he will see
her.

He mouths a silent, and final - I Love You.

She smiles big, as -

Several soldiers cross her front, obscuring his view. They *
clear, and -

She’s gone. *

Greg squeezes Mia and Brandon a little tighter.

The three stand, smiling and holding each other tightly as a
warm, bright light slowly, and completely engulf them. *

THE END

FADE IN:

193 END CREDIT SCENE 193

Muffled rage music loud in the air. *
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a poignant scene, Detective Howard brings in Alex Morgan, the killer of Angie Thompson, prompting a detective to erase her name from the police department's whiteboard. Meanwhile, at Fort Hood, Greg delivers a heartfelt speech as the new Commander, expressing gratitude to his supporters. Detective Mac reveals Alex's history as a serial killer, deepening Greg's emotional turmoil over his wife's death. The scene culminates in a touching moment where Greg shares a goodbye with Angie, embracing his son Brandon and partner Mia as they are enveloped in warm light, symbolizing love and closure amidst grief.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Closure
  • Realistic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of intense action
  • Predictable resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively wraps up the main storyline while providing closure and emotional depth to the characters. It is well-written, engaging, and impactful.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of redemption, forgiveness, and facing the truth is well-executed in this scene. It ties up loose ends and provides a satisfying conclusion to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with a focus on resolving the mystery of the wife's killer and the son's past. It moves the story forward effectively and ties up loose ends.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime thriller genre by focusing on the aftermath of a murder investigation and the personal impact on the protagonist. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-rounded and undergo significant emotional growth in this scene. Their relationships and dynamics are explored in a meaningful way.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in this scene, particularly Greg, who comes to terms with his past and finds closure. The emotional growth is palpable.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to come to terms with his wife's murder and the revelation of her killer being a serial rapist. This reflects his deeper need for closure and justice, as well as his fear of not being able to protect his loved ones.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to support his son and navigate the aftermath of his wife's murder. This reflects the immediate challenges he faces in dealing with the killer's capture and the impact on his family.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

While there is emotional conflict and tension in the scene, the focus is more on resolution and closure rather than intense action or suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts arising from the protagonist's internal struggles, external challenges, and interpersonal dynamics. The audience is kept engaged by the uncertainty of how these conflicts will be resolved.

High Stakes: 7

While the stakes are not as high in terms of action or danger, the emotional stakes are significant as the characters confront their past and make important decisions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by resolving key plot points and providing a sense of closure to the main storyline. It sets the stage for the characters' future.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the protagonist's journey, the revelations about the killer, and the emotional resolutions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the story will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of justice, forgiveness, and redemption. The protagonist grapples with the idea of how to move forward after discovering the truth about his wife's killer.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly in the moments of reconciliation, forgiveness, and acceptance. It leaves a lasting impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is poignant and realistic, capturing the emotional depth of the characters. It effectively conveys the themes of the scene and drives the narrative forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, character dynamics, and thematic complexity. The interactions between the characters and the unfolding revelations keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, balancing moments of tension and reflection to create a dynamic rhythm. The dialogue and action sequences are effectively integrated, enhancing the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue formatting. The visual elements are effectively conveyed through the writing.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-defined structure, transitioning smoothly between locations and characters while maintaining a cohesive narrative flow. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively juxtaposes the somber reality of Greg's past with the hopeful present, creating a poignant emotional arc. However, the transition between the police department and Fort Hood could be smoother to maintain narrative flow.
  • The dialogue is heartfelt and captures the emotional weight of the moment, particularly Greg's interactions with Mac and Mia. However, some lines feel slightly expository, particularly when discussing Alex's crimes. This could be shown through visual storytelling rather than told through dialogue.
  • The visual imagery of Angie appearing to Greg is powerful, but it could benefit from more sensory details to enhance the emotional impact. Describing the atmosphere, sounds, or even the feelings Greg experiences in that moment could deepen the audience's connection to his grief and acceptance.
  • The ending, while emotionally satisfying, could be more impactful if it included a brief moment of reflection from Greg about his journey. This would provide closure not just for the audience but also for Greg's character development throughout the screenplay.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief flashback or visual cue that connects Greg's speech at Fort Hood to his past, reinforcing the theme of overcoming trauma.
  • Enhance the emotional weight of the scene by incorporating more physical actions or gestures, such as Greg's trembling hands or a lingering gaze at the empty swing, to show his internal struggle.
  • Reduce the amount of exposition regarding Alex's crimes in the dialogue. Instead, use visual elements or background details to convey the severity of his actions, allowing the audience to infer the implications.
  • Explore the use of sound design in the scene, such as the muffled sounds of the reception tent contrasting with the silence of the police department, to create a more immersive experience.
  • Consider ending the scene with a more ambiguous note regarding Greg's future, leaving the audience with a sense of hope mixed with uncertainty, which could resonate more deeply.



Scene 42 -  Desperate Whispers
194 EXT. CABIN - NIGHT 194

The rage music is louder now as we move slowly towards a
dimly lit cabin surrounded by towering dark trees. We move up
the steps and pass through the cabin door into -
116.

195 INT. CABIN - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 195

The sparsely decorated living room. We continue through the
living room and through an open door and a set of steps that *
lead down into -

196 INT. CABIN - BASEMENT - NIGHT 196

The rage music pounds now... blares loud as we move into a *
basement lit by dim red lights mounted on the walls. We pass
between a row of 6 feet, 5x5 box-shaped rooms when -

A tall dark figure passes the camera.

He stops, presses his ear firmly against one of the box rooms
and we hear the pounding and desperate, pleading voice of a
small girl.

SMALL GIRL (V.O.)
Help me! Somebody, please help me!
Please! Please!

We flash to black and on-screen we see -

COMING SOON - MAC IS BACK IN STOLEN LILIES *

*
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In a dimly lit cabin surrounded by dark trees, a tall dark figure listens intently to the desperate pleas of a small girl trapped in a basement filled with ominous red light. The scene builds tension with intense music, highlighting the girl's vulnerability against the figure's menacing presence. As her cries echo in the oppressive atmosphere, the conflict remains unresolved, leaving the audience in suspense before the scene abruptly ends with a flash to black and a teaser for 'COMING SOON - MAC IS BACK IN STOLEN LILIES.'
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Revelations
  • Emotional depth
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion with multiple characters and revelations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension, reveals crucial information, and sets the stage for a dramatic climax. The emotional impact and high stakes keep the audience engaged throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of family secrets, betrayal, and a hostage situation in a secluded cabin is intriguing and well-executed. The scene effectively combines elements of thriller, drama, and mystery to create a compelling narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricate and engaging, with multiple layers of conflict, revelations, and escalating tension. The scene moves the story forward significantly and sets the stage for a dramatic resolution.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the horror genre by combining elements of suspense, mystery, and psychological tension. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their interactions drive the emotional core of the scene. The revelations about family relationships and betrayals add depth to their personalities.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, particularly in their relationships and understanding of each other. The revelations and betrayals lead to emotional growth and transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to confront their fears and past traumas, as evidenced by the intense emotions evoked by the small girl's desperate pleas for help.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to investigate the source of the distressing sounds in the basement and potentially rescue the small girl.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving personal relationships, past betrayals, and a life-threatening hostage situation. The high stakes and emotional turmoil drive the tension to a peak.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a difficult moral dilemma and a potentially dangerous situation that adds to the suspense and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing life-threatening situations, emotional turmoil, and the revelation of dark family secrets. The sense of danger and urgency adds intensity to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by revealing crucial information, escalating the conflict, and setting the stage for a dramatic climax. It propels the narrative towards a resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the narrative, as well as the ambiguous nature of the threat faced by the protagonist.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of fear, helplessness, and the moral obligation to help those in need. The protagonist must confront their own fears and make a decision about whether to intervene in a dangerous situation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, desperation, anger, and betrayal through the characters' interactions and the high-stakes situation. The emotional impact adds depth to the narrative and keeps the audience engaged.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense, emotional, and reveals important information about the characters and their motivations. It effectively conveys the escalating conflict and emotional turmoil in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense atmosphere, compelling mystery, and emotional stakes that keep the audience invested in the protagonist's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of revelation that propels the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a horror genre screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and effective use of visual cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of revelation.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the use of sound, particularly the 'rage music' that crescendos as the camera approaches the cabin. This auditory element creates an ominous atmosphere that heightens the viewer's anticipation.
  • The transition from the living room to the basement is visually engaging, but the description could benefit from more sensory details. For instance, describing the smell of the cabin or the texture of the steps could enhance the immersive experience.
  • The introduction of the tall dark figure adds an element of mystery, but the character's motivations and identity remain unclear. Providing subtle hints about who this figure is or their connection to the girl could deepen the intrigue.
  • The use of the small girl's voice pleading for help is a powerful emotional hook, but it could be more impactful if the scene included a brief visual of her situation, even if just a glimpse. This would create a stronger emotional connection for the audience.
  • The abrupt transition to black and the 'COMING SOON' text feels somewhat jarring. While it serves as a cliffhanger, it might be more effective to include a final visual or auditory cue that ties back to the scene, reinforcing the urgency of the girl's plea.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more sensory details to the cabin and basement to create a richer atmosphere. Describe the sounds, smells, and textures to immerse the audience further.
  • Clarify the identity and intentions of the tall dark figure. A subtle hint or visual cue could create a stronger connection to the narrative and build suspense.
  • Include a brief visual of the girl in distress, even if it's just a shadow or a glimpse of her surroundings. This would enhance the emotional weight of her plea for help.
  • Rework the transition to the 'COMING SOON' text to include a final auditory cue or visual element that ties back to the girl's situation, maintaining the tension and urgency established in the scene.