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Scene 1 -  Night of Terror
INT. COLONIAL HOUSE. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT *
JUNE (30s), pale and exhausted, slips into the master bedroom *
with her daughter EMMA (6). Fear grips their faces as they
frantically search for a hiding spot.
PAUL (30s), June's husband, lies motionless on the floor, an
axe buried deep in the back of his skull. Before Emma can
scream, June clamps a hand over her mouth, pulling her into a
corner.
Emma stifles her sobs, her eyes locked on her father’s body. *
EMMA *
(Whimpering) *
Daddy... *
June clutches an antique wooden music box, EMMA is engraved *
on it. *
JUNE *
(Hushed, panicked) *
Look at me. He can’t get you if you *
don’t open it. *
EMMA *
(Pleading) *
What happened to Sarah? Where is *
she? *
June’s eyes well with helplessness. *
JUNE *
(Helpless) *
I don’t know, sweetie. *
The ominous TAP... TAP... TAP of a wooden cane echoes in the *
hallway, growing louder, then stops outside the door. Their
terror is palpable as they stare at the handle.
A flash of determination crosses June's face. She rips the
winder from the music box, snapping off the lid, then slams
her weight onto the remaining pieces *
A haunting voice, known only as THE PREACHER MAN, hums a *
lullaby. The ceiling lightbulb flickers, hisses, then
shatters.
THE PREACHER MAN (O.S.) *
It’s not yours. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 2.


June looks toward the music box, but it's gone. Only the *
winder remains, sliding into the black void beneath the bed.
An ungodly moan echoes, followed by a sharp crack. The music
box reappears, eerily intact, playing a haunting Mesopotamian
lullaby—the same one the Preacher Man hums. *
JUNE *
(Desperate) *
No... *
Peering over the box, a pair of burning yellow eyes blink *
from a blackened ENTITY, its face obscured by greasy hair.
Its long, frail body snaps and cracks grotesquely.
We stay on June and Emma’s expressions of horror as they
watch this unseen Entity crawl out, towering over them. *
June pushes Emma under the bed and stands to distract it. *
JUNE (CONT’D) *
Come on! You ugly piece of shit! *
Backing against the wall, June doesn’t notice the grotesque *
hand emerging from the shadows until it clamps over her face,
sharp nails digging into her skin, pinning her. *
Emma watches, horrified, as June is lifted off the ground, *
her legs flailing. The sound of her choking becomes
unbearable, and Emma bolts. She glances back once to see her
mother’s mangled body, twisted up in the corner of the
ceiling. The Entity’s yellow eyes glow at her from the
shadows.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary In a dimly lit master bedroom, June and her daughter Emma hide in fear after discovering June's husband, Paul, dead with an axe in his skull. As they listen to ominous sounds, June tries to calm Emma while worrying about Sarah's safety. The haunting voice of the Preacher Man fills the air, and the music box June clutches plays a chilling lullaby. Suddenly, a grotesque Entity attacks June, leaving Emma to witness the horror before she flees in terror.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Suspenseful plot
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched horror elements
  • Lack of clarity on the Entity's origins

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively creates a terrifying and suspenseful atmosphere, keeping the audience on edge with its horror elements and emotional impact.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a supernatural entity haunting a family is executed well, with the introduction of unique elements like the music box and the Preacher Man adding depth to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and keeps the audience hooked with its suspenseful and horrifying events, leading to a shocking climax.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique supernatural elements such as The Preacher Man and the Entity, creating a fresh approach to the horror genre. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the eerie atmosphere.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of June and Emma are well-developed, with their fear and desperation palpable throughout the scene.

Character Changes: 7

June undergoes a significant change as she sacrifices herself to protect Emma, showcasing her love and bravery.

Internal Goal: 9

June's internal goal is to protect her daughter Emma from the dangers lurking in their home. This reflects her deep need to keep her child safe and her fear of failing as a mother.

External Goal: 8

June's external goal is to survive the supernatural threats in the house and protect her daughter. This reflects the immediate challenge of facing a terrifying Entity and The Preacher Man.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the family and the supernatural entity creates a high level of tension and fear, driving the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing supernatural threats that are difficult to overcome. The audience is left uncertain of the outcome, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of life and death, as well as the supernatural threat, add intensity to the scene and keep the audience engaged.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing the supernatural threat and raising the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected appearance of the Entity and The Preacher Man, as well as the shocking twist of June's fate. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the struggle between good and evil, as represented by The Preacher Man and the Entity. This challenges June's beliefs about the nature of the supernatural forces she is facing.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, desperation, and horror, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and the urgency of the situation, adding to the tension of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, intense character interactions, and supernatural elements. The audience is drawn into the characters' fear and desperation.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and on edge. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a horror genre, with clear descriptions and character actions. The formatting enhances the eerie atmosphere.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a horror genre, building tension and suspense effectively. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a tense atmosphere right from the start, utilizing strong visual imagery and emotional stakes. The juxtaposition of June's frantic search for safety with the horrifying discovery of Paul’s body creates an immediate sense of dread.
  • The dialogue is concise and impactful, particularly June's lines that convey her desperation and the urgency of the situation. However, the emotional weight could be enhanced by allowing June to express more of her internal conflict regarding her husband's death and her daughter's safety.
  • The introduction of the Preacher Man's voice adds an eerie layer to the scene, but the transition from the physical threat of the Entity to the psychological horror could be smoother. The sudden appearance of the Entity feels abrupt; building up to its reveal with more foreshadowing could heighten the tension.
  • The use of the music box as a symbol is intriguing, but its significance could be clarified. Why does June believe it can protect Emma? Providing a brief moment of reflection or a memory associated with the music box could deepen its emotional resonance.
  • The pacing is generally effective, but the climax of the scene, where June confronts the Entity, could benefit from a more gradual build-up. The stakes feel high, but the emotional payoff could be stronger if June's struggle against the Entity was more drawn out, allowing for a moment of hope or despair before the horror unfolds.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief flashback or memory that connects June to the music box, enhancing its significance and emotional weight in the scene.
  • Expand on June's internal conflict by incorporating more of her thoughts or feelings about Paul’s death and her fear for Emma. This could be done through internal monologue or more expressive dialogue.
  • Introduce subtle hints of the Entity's presence before its reveal, such as flickering lights or unsettling sounds, to build tension and anticipation.
  • Slow down the climax where June confronts the Entity. Allow for a moment where she thinks she might succeed in protecting Emma before the horror escalates, creating a more impactful emotional arc.
  • Ensure that the stakes are clear throughout the scene. Reinforce the idea that the music box is both a potential source of protection and a harbinger of doom, creating a duality that adds complexity to the narrative.



Scene 2 -  The Haunting Confrontation
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS *
Emma stumbles into the hallway, freezing at the sight of the *
PREACHER MAN silhouetted in the moonlight from the ROSE
WINDOW. His 17th-century Saturno hat and wooden cane, adorned
with a red ribbon, stand out against the night. Around his
neck hangs a golden LOCKET etched with ancient symbols.
Behind Emma, the bedroom door creaks open. The cracking, bone-
twisting sound of the Entity grows louder as it scuttles past
Emma and drops behind the Preacher Man. They merge to become
one, his eyes piercing through the darkness.

The Preacher Man steps to the side, revealing a passed-out *
SARAH (8) - Her white nightgown is filthy and blood-stained. *
EMMA *
(Scared) *
Sarah? *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 3.


Sarah's eyes flicker, barely conscious. The Preacher Man *
floats toward Emma, extending the music box as its eerie
lullaby distorts. Behind him, the Entity moves along the
walls.
THE PREACHER MAN *
Open it. *
Frozen in terror, Emma glances desperately at Sarah, who *
gasps awake, panic filling her eyes as she struggles to
stand.. *
SARAH *
(Confused) *
What’s happening? *
(Seeing Emma) *
Emma? No... *
Emma’s hands tremble as she takes the box. *
THE PREACHER MAN *
Open. It. *
Sarah tries to move but is pinned by an invisible force. *
SARAH *
(Pleading) *
Don’t do it. *
The Preacher Man grips Emma’s neck. *
THE PREACHER MAN *
Open it. *
Gasping for her life, Emma opens it. *
SARAH *
No! *
Gasping for air, Emma obeys. As the lid opens, blinding light *
and swirling demonic hands reflect in her eyes. The house
fills with agonizing groans as she is pulled into the box,
leaving it behind on the floor. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
EMMA! *
The Preacher Man picks up the music box and opens his locket, *
revealing an abyss of captured children’s souls. As he lifts
the lid of Emma’s music box, part of her soul is pulled into
the locket, energizing him. Emma’s cry is abruptly silenced
as the box snaps shut.
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 4.


Sarah, frozen in shock, doesn’t notice the Preacher Man now
looming in front of her.
THE PREACHER MAN *
Let us in... *
Sarah stares through her tears at the locket. *
SARAH *
(Whimper) *
Emma... *
From the ceiling, the Entity stretches down, casting a *
grotesque shadow over her. It whispers in her ear, but
Sarah’s trauma and rage fight being put in a trance. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
(Furious)
...No! *
The Entity slams her against the ceiling, her legs thrashing *
as it squeezes the life out of her.

THE PREACHER MAN *
Then join your sister. *
As Sarah slips in and out of consciousness, her gaze falls on *
the locket. She nods, and the Entity releases her. The
Preacher Man offers the music box, but Sarah’s focus is fixed
on the locket *
THE PREACHER MAN (CONT’D) *
Open it. *
In a flash, Sarah snatches the locket, instantly disarming *
the Preacher Man and the Entity. They are pulled together in
a chaotic whirl of screams and mutilation. The entire house
shakes violently as a shockwave blasts Sarah against the
wall.

A powerful wind races up the stairs, entwining the Preacher
Man, the Entity, and Sarah’s parents, dragging them all away.
Sarah clings to the banister, the locket firmly in her grasp. *
FROM THE PREACHER MAN’S POV: *
We are sucked through the hallway, down the stairs, and into *
the living room, where a large, unremarkable DYBBUK BOX waits
with its lid open. The swirling vortex pulls everything into
its abyss of evil, filled with the echoes of hundreds of
children’s cries.

As we plunge into the box, the lid slams shut. Every light in
the house explodes, and the ROSE WINDOW cracks.
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 5.


We float outside through the gap, revealing the imposing
Colonial house with its long gravel driveway nestled in
secluded woodland. The house looms, its foreboding rose
window — nine intertwining panes — dominating the front.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Mystery"]

Summary In a dimly lit hallway, Emma encounters the sinister Preacher Man and a malevolent Entity, who reveal a blood-stained and confused Sarah. Coerced by the Preacher Man, Emma opens a music box, leading to her being pulled inside while part of her soul is captured. Initially paralyzed by fear, Sarah ultimately fights back, seizing the Preacher Man's locket and causing chaos that pulls them all into a Dybbuk box, leaving the house in darkness.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Innovative supernatural elements
  • Strong emotional impact
  • High stakes conflict
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Pacing may be too fast in some parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly effective in creating a terrifying and suspenseful atmosphere, with a strong focus on supernatural elements and intense emotional impact.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of capturing souls in a locket, the merging of entities, and the use of a Dybbuk Box as a portal of evil are innovative and engaging.

Plot: 8

The plot is intricate and well-developed, with a clear progression of events leading to a climactic confrontation with the Preacher Man and the Entity.

Originality: 9

The scene is highly original in its depiction of supernatural forces, demonic possession, and the struggle between good and evil. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the overall sense of dread and suspense.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their actions drive the plot forward, with strong emotional arcs and motivations.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant changes, particularly Sarah, who makes a pivotal decision to fight back against the Preacher Man and the Entity.

Internal Goal: 9

Emma's internal goal in this scene is to protect Sarah and herself from the Preacher Man and the Entity. This reflects her deeper need for safety and security, as well as her fear of the unknown and supernatural.

External Goal: 8

Emma's external goal is to survive the encounter with the Preacher Man and the Entity. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters and the supernatural entities is intense and drives the tension of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing a powerful and malevolent force that threatens their lives and souls.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high, with the characters' lives and souls on the line in a battle against supernatural forces.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by resolving the conflict with the Preacher Man and the Entity, while setting up new mysteries and challenges for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns, as well as the supernatural elements that keep the reader guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of sacrifice, power, and manipulation. The Preacher Man represents a dark force that preys on the vulnerable, while Sarah's resistance to his influence highlights the struggle between good and evil.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, shock, and sadness, leaving a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and suspenseful nature, as well as the high stakes and supernatural elements that keep the reader on the edge of their seat.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of events leading to a climactic resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and dialogue that enhance the atmosphere and mood of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, building tension and suspense through a series of escalating events and conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds on the horror established in the previous scene, maintaining a tense atmosphere that keeps the audience engaged. The visual imagery of the Preacher Man and the merging with the Entity is striking and creates a strong sense of dread.
  • The dialogue is minimal but impactful, particularly Sarah's pleading and Emma's terrified responses. However, the scene could benefit from more internal conflict or emotional depth, especially from Emma, to heighten the stakes and make her choices feel more weighty.
  • The pacing is generally good, but the transition from Emma's fear to her compliance with the Preacher Man's command feels abrupt. More gradual escalation of tension could enhance the emotional impact of her decision to open the music box.
  • The use of the locket as a symbol of captured souls is intriguing, but it could be clearer how it connects to the overall narrative. Providing a brief moment of recognition or understanding from Sarah about the locket's significance could deepen the emotional stakes.
  • The climax of the scene, where Sarah is pinned and the Entity attacks, is visually compelling but could be more visceral. Describing Sarah's physical sensations or thoughts during this moment could enhance the reader's connection to her plight.
  • The ending, with the house shaking and the explosion of light, is dramatic but may leave the audience confused about the mechanics of the supernatural elements. A clearer explanation of the consequences of opening the music box and the locket's power could help clarify the stakes.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal monologue or emotional reactions from Emma to deepen her character and make her decision to open the music box more impactful.
  • Gradually build the tension leading up to Emma's decision to open the music box, perhaps by showing her hesitation or internal struggle before succumbing to the Preacher Man's command.
  • Clarify the significance of the locket and its connection to the narrative by including a moment where Sarah recognizes its importance, enhancing the emotional stakes.
  • Enhance the visceral quality of the climax by incorporating sensory details that describe Sarah's physical sensations and emotional turmoil as she is attacked by the Entity.
  • Provide a clearer explanation of the supernatural mechanics at play, particularly regarding the consequences of opening the music box and the locket's power, to avoid confusion for the audience.



Scene 3 -  Fragments of Memory
EXT. COLONIAL HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER *
A terrified Sarah races down the driveway, clutching the *
locket in her hand. At the boundary near the main road, she
stops, looking back at the house. Desperate, she tries to
open the locket.
SARAH *
(Sobbing) *
Emma! *
It’s sealed shut. Helpless, she places it around her neck and *
turns to run — only to be struck by a car. *
BLACKOUT. *

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY *
A veil of despair hangs over Sarah as she stares blankly out *
the hospital window. *
SUPER: TWO WEEKS LATER *
Her forehead is bandaged and the locket is gripped in her *
hand. *

EXT. HOSPITAL ROOM - SAME *
A DOCTOR and a SOCIAL WORKER/CLAIRE watch her through a *
viewing window. *
DOCTOR *
She knows her name and some minor *
details but apart from that, she *
can’t remember much of anything. *
The police did some knocking near *
where she was found but up until *
now, there’s no sign of her family. *

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER *
Claire enters with a compassionate smile and sits next to *
Sarah. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 6.


CLAIRE *
My name is Claire. I’m a social *
worker. *
Sarah doesn’t acknowledge her. *
CLAIRE (CONT’D) *
Until we find out where your *
parents are, you’re going to come *
and stay with some really nice *
people who will take care of you. *
No response. *
CLAIRE (CONT’D) *
Do you know if you have any *
relatives close by? *
Without looking at her... *
SARAH *
...I don’t remember. *
CLAIRE *
That’s okay. We’ll find that out *
for you. *
Claire notices the locket and goes to touch it. Sarah grabs *
her wrist... *
SARAH *
...Don’t touch it! *
Sarah releases her and stares back out of the window. *
SOCIAL WORKER *
Do you remember who gave that to *
you? *
Sarah shakes her head as she squeezes the locket. *
SARAH *
No, but I know I need it. *
The social worker shares a concerned look back at the Doctor. *
We focus back on Sarah. *
CLAIRE (O.S.) *
It’ll all come back to you, Sarah. *
Just give it time. *
We float out of the hospital window, across the town, and *
towards the vast countryside. *
Pink Rev. (08/21/24) 7.


Looking down on a secluded road we see a car pulling onto a *
long gravel drive followed by a moving truck. *
SUPER: 25 YEARS LATER *
At the top of the drive sits the Colonial house. A SOLD *
signboard sticks out of the ground. *
The car and moving truck, pull up outside the house. *
Genres: ["Horror","Drama"]

Summary In a state of panic, Sarah flees a colonial house, clutching a locket and calling for Emma. After a car accident, she wakes up in a hospital two weeks later, bandaged and struggling with memory loss. A doctor and social worker Claire discuss her condition, but Sarah remains distant and protective of the locket, unable to recall its significance. The scene conveys her emotional turmoil and isolation, ending with a glimpse of the colonial house 25 years later, now marked with a 'SOLD' sign.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Mystery
  • Intrigue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion due to complex plot elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends horror and drama elements, creating a compelling and emotional narrative. The introduction of the locket adds a layer of mystery and sets up intrigue for future developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of memory loss, the mysterious locket, and the unknown past of the character Sarah are intriguing and engaging. The scene sets up a compelling mystery that hooks the audience.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on Sarah's struggle with memory loss and the mysterious locket, setting up a strong foundation for future developments. The introduction of the locket adds depth to the narrative and raises questions that drive the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the amnesia trope by blending mystery and emotional depth. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the overall authenticity of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Sarah is portrayed as a complex and emotionally compelling character, grappling with memory loss and a sense of loss. The social worker Claire adds a compassionate and caring presence, contrasting with Sarah's internal turmoil.

Character Changes: 7

Sarah undergoes a subtle but significant change in the scene, as she begins to confront her memory loss and the mystery of the locket. The introduction of the locket marks a turning point in her journey, setting up future character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Sarah's internal goal is to remember her past and find a sense of belonging or identity. This reflects her deeper need for connection and understanding of her own history.

External Goal: 7

Sarah's external goal is to find her family and regain her memory. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Sarah grapples with memory loss and uncertainty about her past. The mystery surrounding the locket adds tension and intrigue, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Sarah facing internal and external challenges that test her resilience and determination. The uncertainty of her past and future creates a sense of suspense and intrigue.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in the scene are primarily emotional, as Sarah grapples with memory loss and the search for her identity. The mystery of the locket adds a sense of urgency and importance to her journey.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key elements such as the locket, Sarah's memory loss, and the mystery surrounding her past. The scene sets up important plot points and raises questions that drive the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist of Sarah being struck by a car and the mystery surrounding her memory loss. The audience is left wondering about her past and future.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Sarah's desire for independence and her need for help and guidance from others. This challenges her beliefs about self-reliance and trust.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, as Sarah's struggle with memory loss and the mysterious locket is portrayed with depth and sensitivity. The themes of loss and identity resonate on a deep emotional level.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys Sarah's emotional state and the mystery surrounding the locket. The interactions between Sarah and Claire are poignant and reveal layers of the characters' personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, mysterious atmosphere, and compelling character dynamics. The audience is drawn into Sarah's journey and invested in her quest for identity.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense leading to a dramatic climax. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the emotional impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre. It effectively conveys the visual and emotional elements of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct beats and transitions. It effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a dramatic climax.


Critique
  • The scene effectively transitions from the intense horror of the previous moments to a more somber tone in the hospital, which helps to convey the emotional weight of Sarah's trauma. However, the abruptness of the transition from the car accident to the hospital could be smoothed out with a brief moment of reflection or a visual cue that connects the two events more seamlessly.
  • Sarah's emotional state is well portrayed through her actions, such as her desperate attempts to open the locket and her sobbing call for Emma. However, the dialogue could be expanded to include more internal conflict or memories that haunt her, which would deepen her character and make her plight more relatable to the audience.
  • The introduction of Claire as a social worker is a good narrative device to provide exposition about Sarah's condition and her family's absence. However, Claire's dialogue feels somewhat generic and could benefit from more personality or backstory to make her a more engaging character. This would also enhance the emotional stakes for Sarah.
  • The scene's pacing is generally effective, but the dialogue exchange between Sarah and Claire could be tightened. Some lines feel repetitive, particularly regarding Sarah's memory loss. Streamlining this dialogue could maintain the scene's tension and urgency.
  • The visual elements, such as the hospital setting and Sarah's bandaged forehead, effectively convey her vulnerability. However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience further, such as the sounds of the hospital or the feeling of the locket against Sarah's skin.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief flashback or visual cue that connects Sarah's last moments before the accident to her current state in the hospital, enhancing the emotional impact of her trauma.
  • Expand Sarah's internal dialogue or thoughts to provide insight into her emotional turmoil and memories of Emma, which would create a stronger connection with the audience.
  • Develop Claire's character further by giving her a unique trait or backstory that makes her more memorable and relatable, which could also help to highlight Sarah's isolation.
  • Tighten the dialogue between Sarah and Claire to eliminate redundancy and maintain a brisk pace, ensuring that each line serves to advance the plot or deepen character development.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to create a richer atmosphere in the hospital scene, such as the sounds of medical equipment or the sterile smell of the room, to enhance the audience's immersion.



Scene 4 -  Uneasy Beginnings
EXT. COLONIAL HOUSE - DAY *
Sarah, now in her thirties steps out of the car first. The *
journey of motherhood has left gentle marks on her, including *
a small scar on her forehead, but her eyes reveal a mix of *
anticipation and uncertainty for this new chapter. *
She strokes the locket hanging from her neck for comfort. *
Her fascination with the rose window is palpable as she *
stares fancifully up at it. Sensing a familiarity she brushes *
it aside as her two bickering children take her attention. *
SARAH *
(With maternal authority) *
Alright, you two. Out of the car. *
Her daughter, May (8), and son, Jason (12), emerge. Jason, *
moody and full of angst, remains absorbed in a video game, *
paying little attention, while May, inquisitive and smart, *
marvels at the house's magnificence. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
Well, what do you think? *
MAY *
(innocently) *
It looks really old. *
SARAH *
It is. 17th century, I think. *
Jason glances up briefly, unimpressed. *
JASON *
We left the city for this? *
Sarah gestures to the fields and woodland. *
SARAH *
Look at all this space to play. You *
didn’t get this in the city. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 8.


JASON *
I had friends in the city. *
Sarah's face falls, guilt crossing her expression. *
SARAH *
(Optimistic) *
I know it needs work but just look *
at that rose window. Doesn’t it *
already feel like home? *
MAY *
I love it, Mommy. *
JASON *
(Mocking) *
I love it, Mommy. So stupid. *
SARAH *
Enough, Jason. Sometimes you say *
hurtful things. The city and your *
friends are part of that. They have *
great schools here, and it's more *
affordable. *
JASON *
You’re broke, I get it. *
SARAH *
I’m really trying, Jas. *
Jason pretends to pay attention. *
JASON *
Better late than never. *
Another wave of guilt washes over Sarah. *
SARAH *
Everything is going to get better, *
I promise. *
As movers stack her boxes outside the house, Sarah notices *
their reluctance to go inside. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
Hey! *
She rushes over to the MOVING SUPERVISOR. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
Why aren’t you taking them inside? *
The moving supervisor hesitates, glancing at the house. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 9.


MOVING SUPERVISOR *
My guys won’t go in there. *
SARAH *
Why not? *
MOVING SUPERVISOR *
It’s not for me to say. *
SARAH *
I’m paying you, aren’t I? *
MOVING SUPERVISOR *
Take it up with the boss. *
He nervously scans the exterior. *
MOVING SUPERVISOR (CONT’D) *
If I bought this place, I’d knock *
it down and salt the earth. *
SARAH *
Why? It’s gorgeous. *
MOVING SUPERVISOR *
If you say so. *
He continues unpacking the truck, leaving Sarah in dismay. *
SARAH *
Great. *
May, intrigued, wanders closer to the house, her gaze fixed *
on the rose window. For a second - a silhouette of a woman *
appears with her hands pressed against the window. *
May quivers with unease, rubbing her eyes to refocus. Looking *
back up, the woman has gone but May watches a shiny object *
fall from the crack in the window into the shrubs below. *
JASON (O.S.)
What are you staring at, weirdo? *
May jumps in surprise, turning to see Jason standing behind *
her. *
MAY
Don’t do that! *
JASON
You’re such a freak.

MAY
I’m telling, Mom.
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 10.


JASON
Like she cares. It won’t be long
before she’s too busy with this
place to even notice we’re here.
MAY
She said she wouldn’t do that.
JASON
You’re so dumb. She doesn’t care *
about us. *
Sarah approaches, sensing the tension. *
SARAH
Can you believe those guys? They
won’t go in the house.
JASON
I don’t blame them. The previous
owners are probably hacked up
somewhere.
SARAH
Jas, May doesn’t want to hear about
that.
MAY
Who did live here before us, Mommy?
SARAH
I’m not sure, sweetie. Why? *
MAY
Was it a woman?
SARAH *
It’s been empty awhile so I really *
don’t know. *
JASON
(Interrupting)
When is Dad getting here? *
SARAH
He said in a few hours. Shall we *
look inside? *
May nervously looks back up at the window.
MAY
Are we safe here?
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 11.


SARAH *
What makes you say that? *
May coyly shrugs. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
Of course, we are. *
She kneels beside her and shows her the locket. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
Remember what I said about this *
locket? *
May nods. *
MAY *
It protects you. *
SARAH *
And? *
MAY *
And the people you love. *
SARAH *
That’s right. So as long as I have *
this, we will always be safe. *
MAY *
Did Grandma give it to you? *
A distant memory tries to emerge, but Sarah can’t seem to *
connect the dots. *
SARAH *
...No, someone else did. *
Sarah takes May’s hand and heads to the front door. Jason *
drags his knuckles after them.
Sarah and Jason enter the house, leaving May behind. She *
notices a shiny LOCKET lodged in the shrubs. She works it *
out, examines it, and tries to pull it open but can’t. It’s *
exactly the same as Sarah’s. *
Though slightly baffled, a sense of dread washes over her. *
She places it in her pocket and enters. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 12.
Genres: ["Horror","Family Drama"]

Summary In a tense arrival at their new colonial home, Sarah tries to instill optimism in her children, May and Jason, despite their reluctance and skepticism. While the movers hesitate to enter, hinting at something unsettling, May feels a chill upon seeing a silhouette in the rose window. Jason mocks her fears, but Sarah reassures them both. The scene culminates with May discovering a mysterious locket in the shrubs, resembling her mother's, adding an eerie layer to their new beginning.
Strengths
  • Effective establishment of atmosphere
  • Intriguing setup of mysteries and conflicts
  • Engaging dialogue and character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced to deepen character interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes a tense and mysterious atmosphere, introduces intriguing elements, and sets up potential conflicts and character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a protective locket, a haunted house, and a family starting a new life in a mysterious setting is engaging and sets the stage for further developments.

Plot: 8

The plot introduces mysteries, conflicts, and character dynamics that create intrigue and set the stage for future events.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a blend of family drama, mystery, and supernatural elements, adding a fresh twist to the familiar theme of starting over in a new home. The characters' dialogue feels authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are distinct and show potential for development, with hints of past trauma and family dynamics adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 6

While subtle, there are hints of potential character growth and change, especially in the dynamics between the family members.

Internal Goal: 8

Sarah's internal goal is to create a sense of security and belonging for her children in their new home, while also dealing with guilt and financial struggles. She wants to reassure her children and herself that everything will be okay.

External Goal: 7

Sarah's external goal is to settle into the new house and make it a home for her family, despite the challenges and opposition she faces from the moving supervisor and her son's negative attitude.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene hints at internal and external conflicts, setting up potential tensions and challenges for the characters to face.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the moving supervisor's reluctance to enter the house, Jason's negative attitude, and the mysterious elements surrounding the house. These obstacles create conflict and uncertainty for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high due to the mysterious past of the house, the protective locket, and the potential dangers lurking in the setting.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements, conflicts, and mysteries, setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the mix of supernatural elements, family drama, and the mysterious appearance of the woman at the window. The audience is left wondering about the significance of the locket and the house's history.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of home and belonging. Sarah sees the potential in the house and wants to make it a home, while the moving supervisor sees it as worthless. This challenges Sarah's belief in creating a safe and happy environment for her family.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, curiosity, and hope, engaging the audience emotionally and setting up potential emotional arcs for the characters.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys tension, family dynamics, and hints at past events, setting up future conflicts and character arcs.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the mix of emotional depth, mystery, and family dynamics. The tension and uncertainty keep the audience invested in the characters' journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, while also allowing for moments of reflection and character development. It keeps the audience engaged and interested in the unfolding story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard screenplay formatting, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. It is easy to follow and visualize.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure, introducing the setting, characters, conflicts, and setting up future developments. It maintains a good pace and rhythm.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of foreboding and tension, particularly through the children's interactions and the movers' reluctance to enter the house. However, the dialogue can feel a bit on-the-nose, especially when Sarah reassures May about safety. This could be more subtly conveyed through actions or visual cues rather than explicit dialogue.
  • The characterization of Sarah as a hopeful mother is clear, but her guilt over the move could be deepened. Instead of just stating her feelings, consider showing her internal conflict through her actions or expressions, which would make her more relatable and complex.
  • Jason's sarcasm and May's innocence create a nice contrast, but Jason's character could benefit from more depth. His angst feels somewhat stereotypical; adding a specific reason for his resentment towards the move could enhance his character and make his conflict with Sarah more poignant.
  • The scene's pacing is uneven. The initial interactions are engaging, but the transition to the movers' reluctance feels abrupt. A smoother transition or additional context about the house's history could enhance the atmosphere and build suspense.
  • The visual imagery of the rose window and the locket is strong, but the significance of these elements could be more explicitly tied to the characters' emotions. For instance, Sarah's fascination with the rose window could be linked to her past or her hopes for the future, creating a deeper thematic resonance.
Suggestions
  • Consider incorporating more subtext in the dialogue. Instead of having Sarah directly reassure May about safety, show her nervousness through her actions, such as checking the locket or glancing at the house with concern.
  • Add a moment where Sarah reflects on her past or her family's history with the house, perhaps through a brief flashback or a memory that surfaces as she gazes at the rose window. This could deepen her character and the audience's understanding of her motivations.
  • Develop Jason's character by giving him a specific reason for his resentment towards the move. Perhaps he had a close friend he left behind or a particular activity he misses, which would make his conflict with Sarah more relatable.
  • Smooth out the pacing by adding a brief moment of tension or unease before the movers express their reluctance. This could be achieved through Sarah's observations of the house or the children's reactions, building suspense before the movers' dialogue.
  • Enhance the visual storytelling by showing the locket's significance through Sarah's interactions with it. For example, she could touch it when feeling anxious or when trying to reassure her children, reinforcing its protective symbolism.



Scene 5 -  Unease in the Colonial House
INT. COLONIAL HOUSE. FOYER - CONTINUOUS *
The oak door stands open, May is instantly captivated - an *
open plan layout, with the living room, dining room, and *
kitchen divided by ornate stone arches. A hand-carved *
staircase runs up one side with the basement door just *
underneath it. *
Hung on the wall beside the door is an axe. Sarah stares *
anxiously at it, her initial excitement quickly gives way to *
an unsettling feeling. *
MAY
It’s so beautiful.
Without looking up... *
JASON
(Wrinkling his nose)
...What is that disgusting smell? *
Sarah cradles herself, scanning the interior anxiously. *
SARAH
(Worrisome)
It’ll air out. *
Cobwebs, dust, and the smell of decay absorb the last *
remnants of Sarah’s enthusiasm. *
SARAH (CONT’D)
(Distant)
This is a lot of work.

May notices Sarah’s locket around her neck, which only adds *
to her uncertainty as she fingers the new locket in her *
pocket. *
MAY
(Hushed) *
Mom, I found something... *
Sarah cuts her off with a determined hand clap. *
SARAH *
Right, we can do this. Jas, take *
your sister upstairs and check out *
your rooms. Take a box with you. *
May picks up a box of toys and hesitates by the stairs. *
JASON *
Come on. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 13.


May forces a smile before following a sullen Jason. *
As Sarah watches them, a haunting chill blasts through her, *
taking her breath away. Alarmed, she clutches her locket. *
Sarah is overcome by the feeling of being watched. *
From the front door... *
MOVING SUPERVISOR (O.S.) *
We’re all set. *
Sarah jumps in fright. Trying to hide her embarrassment she *
shifts her attention to signing some documents whilst staring *
at the mountain of boxes and furniture her anger turns to *
determination. *
SARAH *
Let's get to it. *
The movers are already gone by the time She picks up the *
first box and heads back into the house. *
Hidden between similar-looking pieces of furniture we see the *
Dybbuk box. *
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary May, Sarah, and Jason explore a colonial house filled with an unsettling atmosphere, marked by decay and an ominous axe on the wall. While May admires the house, her excitement is overshadowed by Sarah's anxiety and Jason's complaints about a foul smell. As Sarah tries to maintain a positive outlook, she feels a chilling presence and is drawn back inside, where the hidden Dybbuk box awaits among the furniture.
Strengths
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Intriguing supernatural elements
  • Character dynamics and interactions
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Pacing could be tightened in certain moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes a sense of unease and mystery, drawing the audience into the story. The introduction of new characters and the discovery of the locket and Dybbuk box add depth to the plot, keeping viewers engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a haunted colonial house with supernatural elements is intriguing and sets the stage for a complex and suspenseful story. The introduction of the Dybbuk box adds a unique and mysterious element to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the characters explore their new home and encounter unsettling elements, setting the stage for future developments. The discovery of the locket and the Dybbuk box foreshadows potential conflicts and mysteries to come.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the haunted house trope by blending elements of mystery, suspense, and family dynamics. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's authenticity.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' reactions to the new environment and the mysterious objects help to build tension and intrigue. Sarah's determination and protective instincts, May's curiosity, and Jason's skepticism add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

Sarah's shift from excitement to unease and determination reflects her protective instincts and sets the stage for her character development. May's discovery of the locket hints at her growing curiosity and involvement in the unfolding mystery.

Internal Goal: 8

Sarah's internal goal is to maintain composure and control her anxiety in the face of unsettling circumstances. This reflects her need for stability and security.

External Goal: 7.5

Sarah's external goal is to manage the moving process and settle into the new house smoothly despite the challenges and eerie atmosphere.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between the characters' differing reactions to their new home and the mysterious objects creates tension and sets the stage for future confrontations. The presence of supernatural elements adds an additional layer of conflict.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and challenge the characters, adding depth to the narrative and keeping the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are established through the characters' encounters with supernatural elements and the mysterious objects in their new home. The presence of the Dybbuk box and the locket hints at dangerous and unknown forces at play.

Story Forward: 8

The scene introduces new elements and mysteries that propel the story forward, setting the stage for future developments. The discovery of the locket and the Dybbuk box foreshadows potential conflicts and reveals more about the supernatural elements at play.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' emotions and the eerie atmosphere that keeps the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of fear, control, and the unknown. Sarah's fear and uncertainty clash with her determination to maintain control and overcome obstacles.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes feelings of fear, uncertainty, and intrigue, drawing the audience into the characters' experiences. Sarah's protective instincts and May's curiosity add emotional depth to the scene.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, setting the tone for the scene. Sarah's reassurances, May's discovery, and Jason's skepticism add layers to their personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its atmospheric descriptions, tense dialogue, and the sense of mystery and suspense that keeps the audience hooked.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually and maintaining a sense of suspense throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and a progression of events that build tension and suspense effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of unease and foreboding through the setting and character interactions. The juxtaposition of May's excitement with Sarah's anxiety creates a compelling tension that draws the audience in.
  • The dialogue feels natural, particularly the interactions between Sarah, May, and Jason. However, Sarah's response to May's discovery of the locket could be more nuanced. Instead of cutting her off, perhaps Sarah could express a moment of curiosity or concern, which would deepen their relationship and heighten the tension.
  • The visual elements, such as the axe on the wall and the cobwebs, are strong symbols of decay and danger, effectively foreshadowing the horrors to come. However, the description of the setting could be more vivid to enhance the atmosphere. For example, incorporating sensory details about the smell or the feel of the air could immerse the audience further.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition from Sarah's anxiety to her determination feels abrupt. A moment of internal conflict or hesitation before she resolves to tackle the situation could add depth to her character and make her determination feel more earned.
  • The introduction of the Dybbuk box at the end is a strong visual cue, but it could be more explicitly tied to the emotional stakes of the scene. Perhaps Sarah could have a fleeting memory or a moment of recognition when she sees it, linking it to her past and heightening the sense of dread.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more sensory details to the setting to create a richer atmosphere. Describe the smell in more detail or how the air feels to enhance the sense of decay and unease.
  • Allow Sarah to have a brief moment of vulnerability when May tries to speak. This could involve her hesitating before cutting May off, showing her internal struggle with the situation.
  • Explore Sarah's internal thoughts more deeply. A brief internal monologue could reveal her fears about the house and her determination to create a safe space for her children, adding layers to her character.
  • Enhance the transition from Sarah's anxiety to her determination by including a moment of reflection or doubt. This could make her eventual resolve feel more impactful.
  • Make the connection between Sarah and the Dybbuk box more explicit. Perhaps include a line of dialogue or a flash of memory that hints at its significance to her, increasing the tension as the scene progresses.



Scene 6 -  Whispers from the Attic
INT. UPSTAIRS. HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER *
MAY carries her box of toys down the dim, elongated hallway. *
The closed doors on either side seem to whisper, intensifying
her unease. At the far end, the rose window casts eerie
patterns on the floor. Stairs to the attic loom beside it.
She pauses, staring at the window, her breath hitching as she
spots faint handprints on the glass. A chill runs down her
spine. She pulls out the locket, struggling to open it.
Failing, she slips it around her neck and tucks it under her
shirt, eyes fixed on the fading handprints.
Jason jumps out of nowhere. *
MAY
(Spooked)
Jason!
JASON
This place has to be haunted. I
heard ghosts like to scare little
girls at night.
Jason's words linger in the air as a shiver runs down her *
spine. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 14.


MAY *
Did you see the lady too? *
Jason recoils back, unsettled, but disguises it well. *
JASON *
...You’re so weird. *
MAY *
I think she needed help. *
Now it’s Jason’s turn to be freaked out. *
JASON *
Whatever. *
Looking up the attic stairs... *
JASON (CONT’D) *
...Hey, I dare you to go in the *
attic. *
May’s eyes widen with fear. *
MAY *
I don’t want to. *
JASON *
That’s where the ghost lives. *
MAY *
No, it doesn’t. *
JASON *
I would sleep with a light on *
tonight if I were you. *
MAY *
Because of the lady? *
JASON *
Stop saying that! I was joking, *
ghosts aren’t real. *
Jason hurries down the hall, leaving May alone. She’s drawn *
back to the attic door. Taking a cautious step toward it, the
doorknob rattles.

A trembling GIRL'S VOICE echoes from behind the door.

GIRL’S VOICE (O.S.) *
...May? Is that you? ...Let me out! *
....Please, let me out! *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 15.


May screams and bolts away. *
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In a dimly lit hallway, May carries a box of toys while feeling uneasy about handprints on a rose window. Jason playfully suggests the house is haunted, but May, sensitive to the supernatural, fears a ghost needs help. He dares her to enter the attic, but she is too frightened. As Jason leaves, May hears a girl's voice calling for help from the attic, causing her to scream and flee in terror.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Eerie atmosphere
  • Mysterious elements
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively creates a sense of dread and suspense, keeping the audience on edge with its eerie atmosphere and mysterious elements.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a haunted house with supernatural entities and a trapped girl behind a door is intriguing and sets up a compelling mystery.

Plot: 9

The plot advances as May explores the haunted house and encounters supernatural phenomena, setting up the mystery and building tension.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the haunted house trope by focusing on the characters' reactions and beliefs. The authenticity of the dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

May and Jason's dynamic adds depth to the scene, with May's curiosity and fear contrasting with Jason's skepticism and bravado.

Character Changes: 7

May experiences a shift from curiosity to fear as she encounters supernatural phenomena, adding depth to her character.

Internal Goal: 8

May's internal goal in this scene is to confront her fears and uncover the truth about the haunted house. This reflects her deeper need for courage and understanding of the unknown.

External Goal: 7

May's external goal is to navigate the haunted house and avoid the ghostly presence. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the supernatural entities and the characters, as well as the internal conflict within May, adds tension and suspense to the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, adding to the suspense and mystery.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are established through the presence of supernatural entities and the trapped girl behind the door, creating a sense of danger and urgency.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing supernatural elements and setting up a compelling mystery surrounding the haunted house.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' beliefs and reactions, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between belief in the supernatural and skepticism. May believes in the ghostly presence, while Jason dismisses it as a joke. This challenges May's beliefs and values about the unknown.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear and anxiety in the audience, creating a strong emotional impact through its eerie atmosphere and supernatural elements.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue between May and Jason effectively conveys their contrasting personalities and adds to the suspense of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, mysterious elements, and realistic character interactions that draw the audience into the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually and maintaining a sense of suspense throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for its genre, enhancing the readability and flow of the narrative.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful, supernatural genre, building tension and mystery effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the use of visual and auditory elements, such as the whispering doors and the eerie patterns cast by the rose window. These details create a haunting atmosphere that aligns well with the horror genre.
  • May's character is well-established as sensitive and empathetic, particularly in her belief that the ghost needs help. This adds depth to her character and sets her apart from Jason, who embodies skepticism and bravado. However, the dialogue could be more varied to avoid repetitive phrases like 'I don’t want to' and 'Because of the lady?' which may detract from the flow.
  • The interaction between May and Jason is engaging, but Jason's transition from teasing to fear feels abrupt. A more gradual shift in his demeanor could enhance the believability of his character and the overall tension of the scene.
  • The introduction of the girl's voice behind the attic door is a strong moment that effectively escalates the horror. However, the scene could benefit from a clearer emotional response from May before she screams and bolts away. This would help the audience connect more with her fear.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the buildup to the girl's voice could be more suspenseful. Consider adding more sensory details or internal thoughts from May as she approaches the attic door to heighten the tension.
Suggestions
  • Consider varying the dialogue to avoid repetition and enhance character development. For example, instead of May repeatedly expressing fear, she could articulate her feelings in different ways, such as asking questions or expressing curiosity about the ghost.
  • Add more internal monologue or sensory details from May's perspective as she approaches the attic door. This could include her racing heart, the cold sweat on her palms, or her thoughts about the ghost, which would deepen the audience's connection to her fear.
  • To enhance Jason's character arc, show a more gradual transition from bravado to fear. Perhaps he could initially mock May but then show subtle signs of unease as the atmosphere grows more intense.
  • After the girl's voice is heard, consider including a moment where May hesitates, contemplating whether to open the door or call for help. This could add complexity to her character and heighten the suspense before she ultimately screams and runs away.
  • Explore the potential for foreshadowing earlier in the scene. For instance, May could notice something unsettling about the attic door or the atmosphere in the hallway before the girl's voice is heard, creating a sense of dread that builds throughout the scene.



Scene 7 -  Unearthed Secrets
INT. COLONIAL HOUSE. FOYER - LATER *
The foyer is cluttered with boxes. Exhausted and on edge, *
Sarah picks up a box labeled LIVING ROOM. *

INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS *
As Sarah crosses the archway, a putrid smell assaults her *
senses. Gasping, she drops the box and rushes to open a
window. Breathing in the fresh air, a hollow male voice
whispers through the breeze, calling her name.
VOICE *
(Whisper) *
Sarah.... *
Sarah spins around, but the room is empty. *
SARAH *
Jason? *
More confused than scared her attention returns to the source *
of the stench. Behind some boxes is an unfamiliar old wooden *
box - the Dybbuk box with two decomposing rats and a sea of *
dead insects surrounding it. A flash of recognition crosses *
her face before disgust takes over. *
SARAH (CONT’D)
Jesus! *
Repulsed, she grabs a trash bag and brush. As she approaches *
the box, a growing sense of unease creeps over her. With each
sweep of the brush, she feels like she’s being watched.

Her focus shifts to the box’s latches, which tempt her to
open them, but they are locked tight. Knocking on the side
reveals it’s hollow. A bang from upstairs distracts her.
As she turns, the locket on her chest seems to magnetize
toward the box, lifting horizontally — but she doesn’t
notice. The locket drops as she faces forward again.

She tries to lift the box, but it won’t budge, as if it’s
rooted to the floor.

SARAH (CONT’D)
What the hell? *
The front door opens, and RYAN HARRIS (30s) enters, upbeat *
and excited as he admires the house.
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 16.


A genuine family man, Ryan slings his bag down and throws his
arms out for Sarah, but she ignores him.
SARAH (CONT’D)
You said a few hours.

RYAN
The seller was tough. Where are the
kids?

SARAH
Exploring.

RYAN
They’re gonna love it here.
SARAH
Try telling Jas that. *
RYAN *
He’ll come around.

Ryan purses his nose.

RYAN (CONT’D)
What the hell is that smell?

SARAH
Dead rats and insects.

RYAN
That bad?

She shoots him a death stare.

SARAH
I’m making a complaint to the
removal company. They dumped our
stuff outside and wouldn’t come in. *
RYAN
Why not?

SARAH
Because they were freaked out by *
the house. *
Ryan's smile falters, and a flicker of guilt crosses his *
face. *
SARAH (CONT’D)
Ryan?
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 17.


RYAN
The price was so amazing and within
our budget.
SARAH
What aren’t you telling me? *
RYAN
You know what people in the country
are like, a death here and there *
and they start creating urban *
legends about places.
SARAH *
Here and there? How many are we *
talking about? *
He distracts himself by looking in a box.
RYAN *
It’s over 300 years old, Sarah. *
There’s gonna be a few people that *
have died here. Anyway, this entire *
area was a Puritan colony. What is *
more riotous than that? If you’re *
into that sort of thing. *
Sarah grips the side of the sofa to stop her from falling. *
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense scene set in the cluttered living room of a colonial house, Sarah is overwhelmed by a putrid smell and discovers a Dybbuk box surrounded by dead rats and insects. As she grapples with her disgust and a strange connection to the box, her husband Ryan arrives, revealing tension between their differing views on the house's unsettling history. Sarah confronts Ryan about the house's past, leading to unresolved conflict as she questions his honesty, leaving her feeling increasingly uneasy about their new home.
Strengths
  • Building suspense
  • Creating a mysterious atmosphere
  • Introducing intriguing supernatural elements
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched horror tropes
  • Lack of clarity on certain plot points

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and introduces intriguing elements that keep the audience engaged. The eerie atmosphere and mysterious occurrences create a sense of unease and anticipation.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a haunted colonial house with a dark history, a mysterious Dybbuk box, and supernatural entities is intriguing and sets the stage for a compelling storyline. The introduction of hidden secrets and urban legends adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Sarah discovers the Dybbuk box and begins to unravel the mysteries of the house. The introduction of the box and the unsettling events hint at a larger supernatural conflict, driving the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on haunted house tropes by blending historical elements with supernatural occurrences. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, particularly Sarah and Ryan, show depth and conflicting emotions, adding layers to the unfolding mystery. Sarah's curiosity and fear, contrasted with Ryan's optimism and hidden guilt, create tension and intrigue.

Character Changes: 6

Sarah experiences a shift from curiosity to fear as she discovers the Dybbuk box and uncovers the unsettling secrets of the house. Ryan's hidden guilt hints at potential character development and future conflicts.

Internal Goal: 8

Sarah's internal goal in this scene is to confront her unease and fear as she encounters the mysterious box and unsettling events in the house. This reflects her deeper need for security and understanding in a potentially dangerous situation.

External Goal: 7.5

Sarah's external goal is to settle into the new house and address the issues with the removal company. This reflects the immediate challenges she faces in adjusting to her new environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, from Sarah's fear and curiosity to Ryan's hidden guilt and the supernatural elements at play. The discovery of the Dybbuk box and the mysterious voice create tension and anticipation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts arising from both external challenges and internal character dynamics that create uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as Sarah delves deeper into the mysteries of the house and the supernatural forces at play. The discovery of the Dybbuk box and the ominous voice hint at dangerous consequences and escalating conflicts.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key elements, such as the Dybbuk box, the mysterious voice, and the characters' conflicting emotions. It sets the stage for future revelations and conflicts, driving the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected supernatural elements, character revelations, and unresolved mysteries that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the tension between Sarah's desire for safety and Ryan's willingness to overlook potential dangers for a good deal. This challenges Sarah's values of caution and security.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, curiosity, and unease in the audience, drawing them into the unfolding mystery. Sarah's emotions and the eerie atmosphere create a sense of foreboding and anticipation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, adding depth to their interactions. The exchanges between Sarah and Ryan reveal underlying tensions and foreshadow future conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, mysterious events, and character interactions that keep the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a balance of action and dialogue that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to the expected format for a suspenseful thriller genre, with clear scene headings and descriptive action lines.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-paced action and dialogue, effectively building tension and revealing character dynamics.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through sensory details, particularly the putrid smell and the unsettling presence of the Dybbuk box. However, the transition from Sarah's initial confusion to her disgust could be more gradual to enhance the emotional impact.
  • The dialogue between Sarah and Ryan feels somewhat expository, particularly when discussing the house's history. While it's important to convey this information, it could be woven into the scene more naturally through their interactions or through Sarah's internal thoughts, rather than a straightforward Q&A format.
  • Ryan's upbeat demeanor contrasts sharply with Sarah's anxiety, which is a good dynamic, but it could be deepened by showing more of Ryan's perspective on the house. Perhaps he could express some awareness of the house's unsettling nature, which would add complexity to his character and their relationship.
  • The moment where Sarah's locket seems to react to the Dybbuk box is intriguing but lacks clarity. It would benefit from a more explicit connection to the locket's significance, perhaps through a brief flashback or a stronger internal reaction from Sarah that hints at her past.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. The buildup to Ryan's entrance is effective, but once he arrives, the scene shifts focus too quickly to the dialogue about the house. A moment of silence or a shared look between Sarah and Ryan could heighten the tension before they dive into conversation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal monologue for Sarah to express her growing unease and confusion about the house, which would help the audience connect with her emotional state.
  • Incorporate more physical reactions from Sarah as she interacts with the Dybbuk box, such as hesitating before touching it or flinching at the smell, to enhance the horror elements.
  • Explore Ryan's character further by giving him a moment of vulnerability or doubt about the house, which would create a more balanced dynamic between him and Sarah.
  • Clarify the significance of the locket's reaction to the Dybbuk box by providing a brief flashback or a stronger emotional response from Sarah that hints at her connection to the box.
  • Slow down the pacing after Ryan's entrance to allow for a moment of tension before they discuss the house, perhaps by having Sarah react to the smell or the box before engaging in dialogue.



Scene 8 -  Echoes of the Past
INT. ROSE WINDOW - FLASHBACK *
The rose window silhouettes the Preacher Man and his burning *
yellow eyes. *
END OF FLASHBACK. *
Ryan rushes over to help. *
RYAN *
You okay? What happened? *
He manoeuvres her to the sofa. *
SARAH *
I’m good. Just felt dizzy. I just *
think I need to eat something. *
RYAN *
Now I feel bad, I should have been *
here. *
He comforts her. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 18.


SARAH *
Did you say a Puritan colony? *
RYAN *
Yeah, you know, all black, fire and *
brimstone sort of place. *
An apprehensive Ryan prepares himself... *
RYAN (CONT’D) *
...and the same town you grew up *
in. *
Sarah is gobsmacked. *
SARAH *
What are you talking about? *
RYAN *
This town, you lived here. I found *
a few documents from your foster *
parents and also a hospital record, *
both addresses were in this town so *
I contacted them and they confirmed *
that you came from here. *
SARAH *
Why wouldn’t you tell me something *
like that? *
RYAN
I want you to remember where you *
came from and I know you want that *
too so I think being here might jog *
a few memories. I know it was a *
risk, but we had to move anyway so *
after finding the documents I *
searched for houses in this area *
and this one stood out a mile, I *
literally couldn’t stop thinking *
about it, plus the price was *
perfect. I made an offer and it was *
accepted straight away. If I told *
you, you would have said no and we *
would have been screwed, or *
homeless, so I made a decision that
was best for my family, but mostly *
for you. *
Sarah sits stunned. *
RYAN (CONT’D) *
This place is- *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 19.


SARAH *
(Direct) *
-Was this my house? *
RYAN *
No, there’s no record of that, *
believe me, I looked. *
Sarah stares longingly into space. *
RYAN (CONT’D) *
That’s everything, I promise. If *
you wanna scream at me, go ahead, *
but I draw the line at punches. *
Sarah’s distracted gaze out of the window makes Ryan comfort *
her. *
RYAN (CONT’D) *
If this isn’t what you want then *
we’ll go. I don’t know where but *
we’ll figure something out. I just *
wanted to try and help. *
Sarah takes a moment to think before looking lovingly back at *
him. *
SARAH *
We’ve tried everything else. *
RYAN *
Yes, we have. *
SARAH *
Let’s give it a go. *
RYAN *
That’s my girl. *
Sarah looks nervously about the place, stroking the locket. *
SARAH *
I just want to remember my family. *
RYAN *
I know. *
He leans in and kisses her, interrupted by an unexpected *
commentary from Jason...

JASON (O.S.)
...I’ve just thrown up in my mouth.

Spotting Jason and May standing there, Ryan beams with love.
Pink Rev. (08/21/24) 20.


RYAN
My babies!
MAY
I don’t like the attic.
She rushes into his arms.
RYAN
Why not?
MAY
It’s haunted.
Sarah and Ryan glance sternly at Jason. *
RYAN
Haunted? That can’t be good. Shall
we call the Ghostbusters?
May has no idea who they are.
RYAN (CONT’D)
Tough crowd. What are you? *
MAY *
I’m a brave girl. *
RYAN *
Keep telling yourself that and *
nothing will scare you again. *
Ryan playfully hugs Jason who tries not to enjoy it.

RYAN (CONT’D)
You okay, big guy? Been telling *
scary stories to your sister again? *
JASON
(In thought)
...Can we go home?
RYAN
This is our home, Jas. It’s
perfect. We all get to spend lots
more time together and maybe it *
will help Mom with her memories. *
She grew up in this town. *
Jason glances at Sarah with contempt.

JASON
(Mocking) *
Awesome. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 21.


RYAN
Hey, I brought us here, me, so drop
that attitude towards your mother,
okay?
Jason continues to sulk.
JASON
I guess you don’t get pizza then. *
Jason’s eyes twinkle with excitement but forces a smile back. *
RYAN
It’s coming, I see it. Show those *
teeth.
Jason can’t help but smile.
RYAN (CONT’D)
There we are. That wasn’t too bad, *
was it? Go get washed up.

JASON
Okay, Dad.

Jason and May run upstairs.

RYAN *
No more ghost stories, Jas! *
He notices Sarah’s sorrow.

RYAN (CONT’D)
He’ll be fine. *
Sarah isn’t too sure.

The Dybbuk box catches Ryan’s eye.

RYAN (CONT’D)
What is that?
SARAH
Didn’t you pack it? Another one of *
your impulse buys, maybe. It was a *
tombstone for the dead rats. *
Ryan racks his brain as he examines it. His interest turns *
into a hypnotic stare as the mysterious box draws him into a *
trance-like state. *
Sarah continues to speak to him but all that exists is the *
box. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 22.


SARAH (CONT’D) *
Ryan! *
She rests her hand on his shoulder which spooks him. He fakes *
a smile back at her. He tries to open the latches but they *
are firmly locked.

RYAN
I don’t remember buying this. I’ll *
put it in the basement for now.

He picks it up like it’s made from feathers.

SARAH
(Astonished)
How did you do that?
RYAN
Do what?

SARAH
I couldn’t move it an inch.

RYAN
(Jokily)
Maybe I’m a superhero?

SARAH
Okay, Super Ryan, fly that thing
away until we know what to do with
it.

As he walks with the box...

RYAN
Yes, Ma’am. I’m here to protect and
serve. To bring justice to the
people of this fair town-

SARAH
(Playfully)
-If you could fly without talking,
that would be great.

He opens the basement door, glancing suspiciously at the box
before descending into the darkness. *
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In a poignant flashback, the Preacher Man's dark silhouette looms against a rose window, hinting at hidden secrets. Presently, Ryan comforts a dizzy Sarah, revealing they are in her hometown, which shocks her as she grapples with her origins. Despite her initial confusion, Sarah agrees to embrace their new life, while their children, Jason and May, voice their fears about the house. The scene culminates with Ryan's fascination with a mysterious Dybbuk box, leaving a sense of foreboding as he descends into the basement.
Strengths
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Intriguing supernatural elements
  • Engaging dialogue and interactions
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of confusion for the audience
  • Character development could be further explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery, introducing key elements that drive the plot forward and engage the audience. The dialogue is engaging, and the introduction of the Dybbuk box adds an intriguing supernatural aspect to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a haunted house, a mysterious locket, and a supernatural entity is well-executed, creating a compelling and eerie setting for the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot advances with the introduction of the Dybbuk box and the revelation of Sarah's past, adding layers of mystery and intrigue to the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as the Dybbuk box and references to Puritan colonies, adding fresh and intriguing aspects to the familiar theme of memory loss and family secrets. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show depth and complexity, with hints of hidden pasts and conflicting emotions. The dynamics between the family members add tension and intrigue to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there are hints of character development, particularly in Sarah's discovery of her past, the scene focuses more on building tension and mystery.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to help his partner, Sarah, remember her past and family, while also trying to create a sense of stability and security for their family.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to settle into their new home and help Sarah regain her memories.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a sense of internal and external conflict present in the scene, with tensions between the characters and the mysterious elements in the house.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts arising from the protagonist's decisions and the mysterious elements surrounding Sarah's past and the Dybbuk box.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as the characters uncover dark secrets, face supernatural threats, and confront their pasts, adding tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key elements, revealing important information, and setting up future conflicts and mysteries.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected reveal of Sarah's past and the mysterious elements surrounding the Dybbuk box, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's decision to keep Sarah's past a secret in order to protect her and their family, which challenges the values of honesty and transparency.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and curiosity in the audience, creating an emotional connection to the characters and their predicament.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships. It adds to the suspense and mystery of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth, mysterious elements, and interpersonal dynamics between the characters that keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional depth, with a balance of dialogue and action that keeps the story moving forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear dialogue and action descriptions that contribute to the development of the plot and characters.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by revealing Sarah's disorientation and the unsettling history of the house. However, the transition from the flashback to the present feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the emotional impact and maintain the audience's engagement.
  • Ryan's dialogue provides exposition about Sarah's past, but it risks feeling overly expository. While it's important for the audience to understand the context, consider weaving this information into the dialogue more naturally or showing it through Sarah's reactions and emotions.
  • The emotional stakes are present, but the scene could benefit from deeper character exploration. Sarah's feelings about her past and the implications of moving back to her childhood home could be more vividly expressed through her internal thoughts or flashbacks, rather than relying solely on dialogue.
  • The humor introduced by Ryan's comments about the Ghostbusters and his playful banter with the children provides a brief respite from the tension, but it may undercut the gravity of the situation. Balancing humor with the horror elements is crucial to maintain the scene's tone.
  • The Dybbuk box's introduction is intriguing, but its significance could be emphasized more. Consider adding a moment where Sarah reacts to the box, perhaps with a flash of recognition or fear, to foreshadow its importance and deepen the sense of dread.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the transition from the flashback to the present by incorporating a visual or auditory cue that links the two moments, such as a sound from the box that echoes in Sarah's mind.
  • Consider breaking up the exposition with more visual storytelling. For example, show Sarah's reaction to the documents Ryan found instead of having her ask about them directly.
  • Add internal monologue or visual cues that reflect Sarah's emotional state, such as her anxiety or longing for her family, to create a stronger connection with the audience.
  • Evaluate the placement of humor in the scene. If the goal is to maintain tension, consider toning down the comedic elements or ensuring they serve to heighten the stakes rather than distract from them.
  • Foreshadow the Dybbuk box's significance by having Sarah exhibit a physical reaction to it, such as a shiver or a moment of hesitation, to build suspense and intrigue around its presence.



Scene 9 -  Whispers of the Dybbuk Box
INT. BASEMENT - SAME *
Ryan twists the lightbulb and it stops flickering. The *
basement has a sinister energy and not somewhere you would *
like to be alone. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 23.


In the center of the room is a large stone slab on which Ryan *
places the Dybbuk box. His eyes fixate on the box as he *
circles it - obsessing over every detail. *
He has to pull his focus away and catches his reflection in a *
full-length mirror across the room. He checks himself out and *
the pounds he’s gained over the years. Closer, he checks out
his wrinkles.
RYAN
Who are you, old man?
He pauses, reflecting on his stressful situation. *
RYAN (CONT’D)
I don’t know either. *
Ryan is again drawn to the Dybbuk box, its reflection ever- *
present. Faint, malicious whispers scrape from the box,
crawling along the walls toward him. Paralyzed, he can’t move
or breathe as the hairs on his arms stand on end. The voices
seep into his mind, and tears stream down his frozen face.

The whispers vanish, releasing him. He gasps for air,
confused and shaken. Glancing in the mirror, he notices a
long, gray hair growing at the base of his neck. He yanks it
out, inspects it, and tosses it aside. Turning back to the
mirror, he catches a disturbing shadow over the Dybbuk box.

Ryan jumps, spins around—nothing. Shaken, he composes himself
and heads back upstairs. *

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT *
The rose window casts eerie patterns along the hallway. Sarah *
says goodnight at May and Jason's doors. Before entering the
master bedroom, a sharp crack stops her in her tracks, coming
from the shadowed end of the hall. She listens, but nothing
follows, so she enters her room. *
Back in the hallway, the attic door is now open. Barely *
visible are sheet-covered FIGURES sitting in what looks like
17th-century Puritan church stalls. A faint outline of a
large crucifix looms at the back of a Nave. Another sharp
CRACK echoes as the door slams shut, and a bird crashes into
the rose window, falling dead. *

INT. MASTER BEDROOM - SAME *
Sarah hears the thud. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 24.


SARAH *
Did you hear that? *
Ryan is fast asleep. *
Unsettled by the shadows created by the ceiling beams, her *
eyes are drawn to the corner section. It feels unnaturally *
dark with an overwhelming sense that something is lurking *
just out of sight. *
The locket rolls back and forth through her fingers. *
Determined, she ventures into the hallway.

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
The moon now illuminates the nine intertwining square symbols *
on the rose window, drenching Sarah in its pattern. *
Standing in the exact spot she'd stood twenty-five years ago, *
a wave of dizziness washes over her. *

INT. HALLWAY/ATTIC - FLASHBACK *
We see fractured memories from young Sarah’s POV. *
- She happily plays with her sister Emma near the rose *
window, pressing their hands against the rose glass to make *
hand-prints. *
- The entire family happily decorate the walls in their new *
house. *
- The discovery of the Dybbuk box in the attic and it being *
opened, followed by a terrifying scream. *
END OF FLASHBACK. *

INT. HALLWAY - SAME *
Sarah comes too flat out of the hallway floor, but before she *
can understand what just happened she hears a faint murmur *
coming from downstairs - it’s May's voice, distant yet *
discernible. *

INT. HALLWAY. TOP OF THE STAIRS - CONTINUOUS *
Sarah edges to the top of the stairs and sees May’s shadow
reflected by a harsh light across the foyer floor. *
Pink Rev. (08/21/24) 25.


MAY (O.S)
(Hushed) *
Of course, I like toys. *
Unnerved, Sarah strains to hear.
MAY (O.S.) (CONT’D)
(Hushed) *
Musical toys are my favorite. *
A pause hangs in the air.

MAY (O.S.) (CONT’D) *
I don’t have anything to give you. *
Sarah tiptoes down a couple of stairs, listening intently. *
MAY (O.S.) (CONT’D)
(Hushed) *
But it’s mommy’s locket, I can’t *
give you that. *
Straining more. *
MAY (O.S.) (CONT’D) *
You gave her the locket? *
With a sense of urgency, Sarah descends the staircase.

SARAH
May?

Before Sarah reaches the living room the light shuts off. Now *
dark, Sarah can just make out May standing in front of the *
Dybbuk box.

SARAH (CONT’D)
May, who are you talking to?

May remains fixated on the box. Sarah kneels beside her, *
seeking a response.
SARAH (CONT’D)
May? May! What’s wrong, sweetie? *
Who are you talking to?

Nothing.

SARAH (CONT’D)
MAY!

May finally shifts her dead-eyed attention to Sarah.
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 26.


MAY
The man wants his locket back... *
Sarah attempts to speak but is cut off... *
MAY (CONT’D)
...Shhh...Emma needs you to open *
the box. *
May walks away, returning to her room, leaving Sarah
bewildered, her gaze lingering on the Dybbuk box. *
One of the handles now has a RED RIBBON tied to it that *
wasn’t there before. A quick study of it leaves her clueless. *
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Supernatural"]

Summary In a dark basement, Ryan confronts his fears as he encounters the ominous Dybbuk box, hearing malicious whispers and experiencing a moment of self-reflection. Meanwhile, Sarah, disturbed by a noise, ventures into the hallway where she recalls unsettling childhood memories linked to the box. Her concern deepens when she finds her daughter May speaking to an unseen entity, hinting at a troubling connection to the Dybbuk box. Both characters are left shaken, grappling with the unresolved tension of their experiences.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Creating a chilling atmosphere
  • Introducing supernatural elements
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be too predictable for seasoned horror fans

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery, keeping the audience engaged with its eerie tone and supernatural elements.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a haunted house, a mysterious Dybbuk box, and supernatural occurrences is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot unfolds with suspenseful events, introducing new mysteries and building on the existing tension in the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces fresh elements such as the Dybbuk box, supernatural whispers, and a mysterious red ribbon, adding originality to the familiar themes of aging and mortality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions to the supernatural events add depth to the scene, showcasing their fear and confusion.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience fear and confusion, leading to some internal changes as they confront the supernatural forces.

Internal Goal: 8

Ryan's internal goal in this scene is to confront his aging reflection and come to terms with his mortality. This reflects his deeper fear of growing old and losing control over his life.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to investigate the strange occurrences in the basement and confront the supernatural forces at play.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters and the supernatural entities creates a sense of danger and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with mysterious forces and supernatural elements creating obstacles for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes involve supernatural entities, mysterious occurrences, and the characters' safety, adding tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene introduces new mysteries and advances the plot, keeping the story engaging and moving forward.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to the supernatural occurrences, mysterious whispers, and unexpected actions of the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of mortality, identity, and the supernatural. It challenges Ryan's beliefs about aging and the unknown.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and confusion in the audience, creating a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and adds to the suspense of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its suspenseful atmosphere, supernatural elements, and character interactions that keep the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, alternating between introspective moments and supernatural events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured format with clear transitions between locations and flashback sequences, enhancing the narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through Ryan's internal struggle and the ominous atmosphere of the basement. The use of the Dybbuk box as a focal point for Ryan's obsession is compelling, as it ties into the overarching theme of the supernatural and familial trauma.
  • Ryan's self-reflection adds depth to his character, showcasing his vulnerability and the weight of his responsibilities. However, the dialogue could be more impactful; the lines feel somewhat generic and could benefit from more specificity or emotional resonance to enhance the audience's connection to Ryan's plight.
  • The transition from Ryan's perspective to Sarah's is well-executed, creating a sense of continuity and building anticipation for the unfolding events. However, the pacing could be improved; the scene feels slightly drawn out in places, particularly during Ryan's moment of self-examination, which could be tightened to maintain momentum.
  • The introduction of the whispers from the Dybbuk box is a strong choice, effectively heightening the horror elements. However, the description of the whispers could be more vivid to evoke a stronger emotional response from the audience. Consider using more sensory details to immerse the viewer in the experience.
  • The visual elements, such as the rose window and the shadowy figures, are intriguing and contribute to the eerie atmosphere. However, the scene could benefit from more explicit descriptions of the setting to enhance the sense of dread and foreboding. For instance, detailing the textures, smells, and sounds in the basement could create a more immersive experience.
Suggestions
  • Revise Ryan's dialogue to include more specific emotional language that reflects his internal conflict and the weight of his situation. This will help the audience connect more deeply with his character.
  • Consider tightening the pacing of Ryan's self-reflection to maintain tension. Focus on key moments that reveal his character rather than lingering too long on less impactful details.
  • Enhance the description of the whispers from the Dybbuk box by incorporating more sensory details, such as how they sound, feel, or even smell, to create a more immersive horror experience.
  • Add more explicit descriptions of the basement's atmosphere, including the textures, smells, and sounds, to heighten the sense of dread and make the setting feel more alive and threatening.
  • Ensure that the transition between Ryan's perspective and Sarah's is seamless, perhaps by using a visual cue or a shared element (like the Dybbuk box) to maintain continuity and build suspense.



Scene 10 -  Sleepless Worries
INT. MASTER BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Sarah tries to ruse Ryan from his sleep, wringing her hands
as she paces.

SARAH
May is sleepwalking again. *
Ryan mumbles something indistinct. Sarah shoves him and he
wakes with a start, his eyes wide with concern.

RYAN
What happened?

SARAH
May, I found her sleepwalking. *
RYAN
Is she okay?

SARAH
She was downstairs.

Ryan breathes a sigh of relief.
SARAH (CONT’D)
What if she gets out? She could end
up anywhere.

RYAN
The doors are locked. She won’t get
out.

SARAH
She’s got out before, Ryan. Maybe I
should call the doctor?
(MORE)
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 27.

SARAH (CONT’D)
She was acting differently and *
saying weird things. I’ve never
seen her like that.
RYAN
What did she say? *
SARAH *
That the man in the box and wants *
my locket and something about a *
girl called Emma wanting me to open *
it...I don’t know. *
RYAN *
What box? *
SARAH *
The weird dead rat and insect box. *
RYAN *
I put it in the basement. *
SARAH *
Well, it’s back in the living room. *
I think she must have moved it. *
Sarah’s fearful expression forces Ryan to sit up. *
RYAN
We’ve been through this. May
sometimes sleepwalks, kids *
sleepwalk.
Ryan stops her from fidgeting.
SARAH *
What she was saying was so unlike *
her. *
RYAN *
It’s probably just the excitement *
from being in a new house. This is *
her first episode in over a year. *
It’s a one-off. *
Sarah can’t shake her worry. *
RYAN (CONT’D) *
You’re getting worked up for *
nothing. *
Sarah wearily climbs into bed. *
Pink Rev. (08/21/24) 28.


SARAH *
What do you know about this house, *
Ryan? *
RYAN *
Almost nothing. It was cheap and- *
SARAH *
-Who lived here before? *
RYAN *
I don’t know. Where’s this coming *
from? *
Something is eating at her. *
Ryan gives her a big squeeze.
SARAH *
It’s nothing. *
Sarah feels for her locket. To her horror, it’s gone. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
My locket! It must have fallen off. *
Ryan searches the floor, under the bed, everywhere, but no *
locket. *
RYAN *
It’s not here. Are you sure you had *
it on when you came to bed? *
Sarah racks her brain but can’t remember. *
SARAH *
It might have come off downstairs *
when I was with May. *
RYAN *
Okay, let me go look. Stay where *
you are. *
He exits. *
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In the master bedroom of their new home, Sarah wakes Ryan in a panic about their daughter May's sleepwalking and her unsettling behavior. Despite Ryan's attempts to reassure her that sleepwalking is common and the doors are locked, Sarah's anxiety deepens when she realizes her locket is missing. The scene captures the tension between Sarah's fears and Ryan's rationality, ending with him searching for the locket while Sarah is left alone with her growing unease.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Creating suspense
  • Establishing mysteries
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up intriguing mysteries, keeping the audience engaged with the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a missing locket tied to supernatural occurrences and a child's sleepwalking adds depth to the storyline and introduces elements of mystery and suspense.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Sarah's worry about her daughter's behavior and the missing locket adds layers to the unfolding mystery, setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as the dead rat and insect box, adding a fresh and eerie twist to the familiar theme of a missing object. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Sarah's increasing anxiety and Ryan's attempts to reassure her showcase their dynamic as a couple facing mysterious events in their new home.

Character Changes: 5

Sarah experiences a shift in her emotional state from concern to fear as the scene progresses, setting up potential character development in future events.

Internal Goal: 8

Sarah's internal goal in this scene is to protect her daughter May and ensure her safety. This reflects her deeper need for security and her fear of harm coming to her loved ones.

External Goal: 7

Sarah's external goal is to find her missing locket. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict arises from Sarah's worry about her daughter's behavior and the missing locket, hinting at potential supernatural elements and unresolved mysteries.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Sarah's fear and uncertainty conflicting with Ryan's rationality and calm demeanor.

High Stakes: 6

The high stakes are established through Sarah's worry for her daughter's safety, the mysterious disappearance of the locket, and the potential supernatural elements at play in their new home.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new mysteries, conflicts, and emotional stakes for the characters, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and dialogue, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of fear, trust, and uncertainty. Sarah's fear for her daughter's safety clashes with Ryan's more rational and calm approach to the situation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes feelings of fear, worry, and concern through Sarah's emotional turmoil and the mysterious events unfolding in their new home.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue effectively conveys Sarah's worry and Ryan's attempts to calm her, setting the tone for the scene's suspenseful atmosphere.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, emotional conflicts, and mysterious elements that keep the audience hooked.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building suspense and tension, with a good balance of dialogue and action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a suspenseful domestic drama, with a clear progression of events and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and unease, particularly through Sarah's frantic behavior and her concern for May. However, the dialogue could be tightened to enhance the urgency of the situation. Some lines feel repetitive, particularly in Sarah's insistence on the seriousness of May's sleepwalking.
  • Ryan's character comes off as dismissive, which is a common trope in horror narratives. While this can create conflict, it may benefit from a more nuanced portrayal. Perhaps Ryan could express concern but still try to rationalize the situation, making him more relatable and less of a stereotypical skeptic.
  • The introduction of the locket adds a layer of mystery and personal stakes for Sarah, but the transition to this revelation feels abrupt. It would be more impactful if Sarah's attachment to the locket was established earlier in the script, allowing the audience to understand its significance when it goes missing.
  • The dialogue about the Dybbuk box is informative but could be more subtle. Instead of explicitly stating its ominous nature, consider using more indirect references or metaphors that evoke fear without stating it outright. This would enhance the atmosphere of dread.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved. The back-and-forth between Sarah and Ryan feels a bit drawn out, which may dilute the tension. Shortening some exchanges or interspersing them with more action or visual cues could maintain a higher level of suspense.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the dialogue to eliminate redundancy and enhance the urgency. For example, instead of repeating concerns about May's sleepwalking, Sarah could express her fear in a more concise manner.
  • Add depth to Ryan's character by allowing him to show some vulnerability or concern, rather than being solely dismissive. This could create a more complex dynamic between him and Sarah.
  • Foreshadow the importance of the locket earlier in the script, perhaps through a brief flashback or a moment where Sarah reflects on its significance, so that its loss carries more weight.
  • Use more subtle language when discussing the Dybbuk box. Instead of directly stating its ominous nature, consider using imagery or metaphors that evoke fear and mystery.
  • Increase the pacing by interspersing dialogue with action or visual elements that heighten tension. For instance, Sarah could be shown searching frantically for the locket while speaking to Ryan, creating a sense of urgency.



Scene 11 -  Whispers of the Dybbuk
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS *
Ryan moves towards the stairs but stops dead when he hears *
Jason. *
JASON (O.S.) *
Dad...I have something to show *
you... *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 29.


He sees who he thinks is Jason shadowed in front of the rose *
window. *
RYAN *
Jas, you should be in bed. *
Jason dangles Sarah’s locket. *
JASON *
...Look what I found... *
Moving towards him, he passes Jason’s bedroom with the door *
ajar... JASON IS FAST ASLEEP IN BED. *
RYAN *
Nice work. Mom was freaking out... *
Jason heads up the attic stairs. *
RYAN (CONT’D) *
Jas! Stop messing around. *
Turning the corner he sees Jason walk deeper into the pitch- *
black attic. Following... *
RYAN (CONT’D) *
...This isn’t funny. Jas, come back *
here. *
As Ryan enters the attic, the door slams shut behind him. We *
linger on the door as something pulls us toward it. It opens,
revealing Ryan clutching the locket, his eyes vacant and
emotionless.

He descends the attic stairs, plodding down the hallway and
then downstairs, moving as if in a trance


INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER *
Ryan enters the living room, his lifeless gaze fixed on the *
Dybbuk box. As he approaches, the locks pop open, casting a
faint glow around the edges.

Entranced, Ryan lifts the lid and stares blankly into the
swirling light. He dangles the locket over the box and
releases it. A burst of energy surges through him, rippling
into every corner of the house as the lid snaps shut. *
He feels a discomfort in his mouth. Reaching in, he pulls at *
one of his back teeth, tugging and snapping it free, blood *
drips down his chin. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 30.


The tooth is black and inside the cavity is a maggot. He *
drops it in horror and races for the hallway mirror, checking *
his mouth, everything is normal, no blood, no missing tooth. *
What he does see are two more long grey stringy hairs. *
Yanking them out, he stares bewildered at his now pale and *
desiccated face. *

INT. MAY’S ROOM - SAME *
May is asleep when a gush of wind stirs her. Looking into the *
corner of the room, SOMETHING watches her. *
MAY *
Hello. *
A smile creeps across her face. *

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING *
Chaos. *
Sarah rushes around feeding a bickering Jason and May whilst *
simultaneously unpacking. *
SARAH *
(Tired) *
Give it a rest you two. *
MAY *
Jason started it. *
JASON *
Snitches get stitches. *
SARAH *
Less prison talk at breakfast, *
please. *
They continue to bicker. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
I said stop! *
They fall silent. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
May, sweetie. Did you play with *
Mommy’s locket? *
May hesitates as she shifts her sweater to cover the chain. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 31.


MAY *
No. *
RYAN *
It’s okay if you did. You’re not in *
trouble. *
MAY *
I didn’t. *
SARAH *
I won’t be mad. *
MAY *
Maybe it was the man in my room. *
Momentarily taken aback... *
SARAH *
What man? *
May pauses, then shrugs. *
JASON *
Weirdo. *
SARAH *
(Stern) *
Jason. *
JASON *
What? *
SARAH *
You can’t call your sister a *
weirdo. *
JASON *
Well, excuse me for existing. Is *
Freak better? *
SARAH *
Not nice. Go see where your dad is, *
he should be up by now. *
JASON *
But I haven’t finished. *
SARAH *
I said go, I need to speak with *
May. *
Exasperated, Jason huffs out. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 32.


SARAH (CONT’D) *
Do you remember last night? *
May shakes her head. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
You were sleepwalking and I found *
you downstairs. *
MAY *
I don’t remember. *
SARAH *
That’s okay. But if anything *
happens like it did before, you *
tell me. *
May nods. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
(Playful) *
So, you saw a man in your room? Do *
you want to tell me about him? *
May shakes her head. *
MAY *
I’m not supposed to. *
SARAH *
Why not? *
MAY *
It’s a secret. *
SARAH *
A secret? Well, I promise if you *
tell me, I won’t tell a soul. *
Sarah holds out her pinkie. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
What’s your secret? *
May hooks her pinkie and leans in. *
MAY *
(Whisper) *
He told me he used to live in the *
box but now doesn’t. *
May’s words send shivers down her spine as the gap in the *
door reveals the Dybbuk box in the living room. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 33.


SARAH *
He must be a very small man to *
squeeze in there. *
May nonchalantly shrugs. *
MAY *
(Innocently) *
He’s pretty big. *
SARAH *
And what’s his name? *
May leans forward and whispers in her ear. *
MAY *
The Preacher Man... *
That name sends a shock of fear cursing through Sarah’s veins *
but doesn’t know why. *
MAY (CONT’D) *
He said when he’s strong enough *
he’s going to give me and Jason a *
present. *
SARAH *
What present? *
May shrugs. *
MAY *
I don’t think he likes daddy. *
SARAH *
Why? *
MAY *
Because he said that he wasn’t *
daddy anymore and we need to stay *
away from him. *
SARAH *
May, that’s ridiculous...nothing is *
wrong with Daddy. This man, he’s *
not real, okay. Maybe you had a *
dream, or a new imaginary friend *
but don’t believe anything he says. *
Sarah’s words seem to ignite anger within May and she shoots *
her a serious direct stare. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 34.


MAY *
It isn’t daddy... He said that he *
will hurt us- *
Sarah tries to intervene but May doesn’t have control of what *
she’s saying. *
MAY (CONT’D) *
Now that he has the locket, he will *
come for me and Jason and we will *
end up dead- *
SARAH *
-MAY, STOP! *
May grips a glass a squeezes...tighter...tighter...tighter *
MAY *
-Dead, Just like your mommy, daddy *
and sister- *
SMASH, the glass is crushed causing May to scream as blood *
drips from her hands. *
SARAH *
Oh my god... *
Jason re-enters to be met with total carnage. *
JASON *
...Dad isn’t there. *
Running May’s hand under the tap, the cut isn’t too bad. *
SARAH *
May, look at me... *
May slowly meets her eyes. *
MAY *
Did I do something bad? *
Sarah hugs her. *
SARAH *
Of course not. *
Sarah covers the cut with a band-aid. *
JASON *
...I can’t find Dad. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 35.


SARAH *
(Abrupt) *
Then where is he? *
JASON *
How should I know? *
Exasperated, Sarah storms out. *
SARAH *
(To Jason - stern) *
Watch your sister. *
Jason angrily stares down May as he carries on eating. *
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense night at home, Ryan is lured to the attic by a shadow he believes is Jason, only to discover a Dybbuk box that unleashes a disturbing energy, leading him to find a blackened tooth. Meanwhile, May, disturbed by a presence in her room, confides in Sarah about a 'man' linked to the Dybbuk box, heightening family tensions. As May's fear escalates, she accidentally crushes a glass, causing chaos as Sarah tries to manage the situation and locate Ryan, leaving the family engulfed in confusion and dread.
Strengths
  • Building suspense
  • Creating a sense of mystery
  • Revealing dark secrets
  • Evoking strong emotions
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel repetitive or cliched at times

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds suspense and introduces key elements of the plot while maintaining a sense of mystery and fear. The dialogue and character interactions add depth to the story, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a malevolent entity, the Preacher Man, and the mysterious Dybbuk box adds a layer of complexity to the story. The scene effectively introduces these concepts and sets the stage for further exploration.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly in this scene, with the introduction of new mysteries and conflicts. The tension escalates as the characters uncover dark secrets and face unexpected dangers.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh and original elements such as the Dybbuk box, supernatural entities, and family secrets. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their interactions reveal underlying tensions and fears. May's revelations about the Preacher Man add depth to the story, while Sarah and Ryan's reactions show their concern for their children's safety.

Character Changes: 8

May undergoes a significant change in this scene, revealing her fears and the influence of the Preacher Man on her beliefs. Sarah and Ryan also show a shift in their understanding of the threats facing their family.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect his family from the malevolent entity and understand the supernatural occurrences happening around them. This reflects his deeper need for security and stability.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to find his missing father and unravel the mystery surrounding the supernatural events in the house. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the discovery of the Dybbuk box, May's disturbing revelations, and the disappearance of Ryan creating tension and fear. The characters are faced with unknown dangers and must confront their fears to protect their family.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the malevolent entity posing a threat to the protagonist and his family, creating a sense of danger and urgency.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the safety of the family at risk due to the mysterious entity and the dangers lurking in their new home. The characters must confront their fears and protect their loved ones, adding urgency and tension to the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new mysteries and conflicts that will drive the narrative forward. The audience is left with questions and a sense of anticipation for what will happen next.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected supernatural events and twists in the plot, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the existence of supernatural entities and the protagonist's skepticism towards them. It challenges his beliefs in rationality and logic.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, anxiety, and shock, particularly through May's revelations and the sudden disappearance of Ryan. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and fears, creating a sense of unease and suspense.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, adding depth to the scene. The interactions between the family members reveal their relationships and fears.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, supernatural elements, and family drama. The mystery surrounding the malevolent entity keeps the audience hooked.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear transitions between locations and actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a supernatural thriller genre, building tension and suspense effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, particularly through Ryan's gradual descent into a trance-like state. However, the transition from Ryan's initial concern for Jason to his entranced behavior could be more gradual to enhance the sense of dread.
  • The dialogue between Sarah and May is compelling, especially May's cryptic references to the 'Preacher Man.' However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext; for instance, Sarah's disbelief in May's claims could be more layered, reflecting her own fears and the tension in their relationship.
  • The visual elements, such as the Dybbuk box and the shadowy figures, are strong, but the scene could use more sensory details to immerse the audience further. Describing the sounds, smells, or even the temperature of the attic could enhance the eerie atmosphere.
  • The pacing feels slightly rushed, particularly in the transition from Ryan's discovery of the locket to his descent into horror. Slowing down this moment could allow for a more impactful reveal of the Dybbuk box's influence on him.
  • The climax of the scene, where May crushes the glass, is shocking but could be foreshadowed more effectively. Subtle hints of May's escalating fear or anger leading up to this moment would make it feel more earned and impactful.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Ryan hesitates before entering the attic, allowing the audience to sense his growing unease and the supernatural pull of the Dybbuk box.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Sarah and May by incorporating more emotional stakes. For example, Sarah could express her own fears about the house, making her dismissal of May's claims feel more conflicted.
  • Include more sensory descriptions throughout the scene. For instance, describe the coldness of the attic air or the musty smell that might accompany the Dybbuk box to create a more immersive experience.
  • Slow down the pacing during Ryan's transition into the trance. Consider adding internal thoughts or flashbacks that illustrate his struggle against the box's influence.
  • Foreshadow May's violent outburst by incorporating subtle signs of her distress earlier in the scene, such as her fidgeting or glancing nervously at the Dybbuk box, to build tension leading up to the glass-crushing moment.



Scene 12 -  Descent into Darkness
INT. MASTER BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER *
Sarah enters the bedroom but no Ryan. *
Ryan’s side of the bed is damp with sweat. On the pillow, a *
few long grey hairs. Sarah picks one up and is hit by a *
memory. *

INT. HALLWAY - FLASHBACK *
Illuminated by the light coming through the rose window, the *
Preacher Man’s long wiry hair protrudes out from under his *
hat. *
END OF FLASHBACK. *

INT. MASTER BEDROOM - SAME *
Sarah drops the hair in fright. She reaches for her locket *
but her comfort isn’t there. *

INT. HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER *
Sarah walks along the hallway looking in every room. *
SARAH *
Ryan! *
No luck. *

INT. FOYER - MOMENTS LATER *
Sarah sees the basement door ajar. She opens it and stands *
looking down into the darkness. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 36.


SARAH *
Ryan, you down there? *
No response so she descends. *

INT. BASEMENT - MOMENTS LATER *
Sarah enters the basement to see Ryan laid out on the stone *
slab. *
SARAH *
Ryan? *
No response. *
As she moves closer, she notices he's drenched in sweat and *
deathly pale, but what alarms her most are the dead insects *
and rats scattered around the slab. *
Rushing over... *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
...Jesus, Ryan. What are you doing? *
She rouses him but he can barely open his eyes. *
RYAN *
Sarah? *
SARAH *
You look like hell. *
RYAN *
I think I’m sick. *
Sarah feels his forehead. *
SARAH *
You’re burning up. We need to get *
you upstairs. *
She pulls him up and supports him out of the basement. *
Beside the slab, we see numerous rotten pulled teeth with *
entwined strands of wiry hair, crawling with maggots. *
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense and foreboding scene, Sarah searches for her partner Ryan, only to find his side of the bed damp and unsettling clues that trigger disturbing memories. After calling for him without response, she discovers the basement door ajar and descends into the darkness, where she finds Ryan unconscious on a stone slab, surrounded by dead insects and rats. Alarmed by his feverish state, Sarah realizes he needs urgent help and resolutely attempts to pull him up, highlighting her protective nature amidst the chilling atmosphere.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Mysterious atmosphere
  • Supernatural elements
  • Character vulnerability
Weaknesses
  • Potential confusion with multiple storylines
  • Some dialogue may be cliched or predictable

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively establishes a chilling atmosphere, introduces a mysterious element with the Dybbuk box, and raises the stakes with Ryan's deteriorating health, keeping the audience engaged and on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the Dybbuk box and its connection to the characters adds a layer of mystery and supernatural elements to the story, creating intrigue and setting up potential conflicts and revelations.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the discovery of the Dybbuk box, Ryan's mysterious illness, and Sarah's increasing anxiety, setting the stage for further developments and escalating tension.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a familiar domestic setting by incorporating elements of horror and suspense. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Sarah and Ryan, show vulnerability and fear in the face of the unknown, adding depth to their personalities and setting up potential character arcs as they navigate the escalating supernatural threats.

Character Changes: 7

The characters, particularly Sarah and Ryan, undergo changes as they confront the supernatural threats and face their fears, setting up potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Sarah's internal goal in this scene is to find out what is wrong with Ryan and to take care of him. This reflects her deeper need for security and stability in their relationship, as well as her fear of losing him.

External Goal: 7

Sarah's external goal is to get Ryan out of the basement and to safety. This reflects the immediate challenge of his illness and the mysterious circumstances surrounding it.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, including the mystery of the Dybbuk box, Ryan's illness, and Sarah's increasing anxiety, creating a sense of danger and urgency.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the mystery of Ryan's illness and the disturbing discovery of the dead insects and rats creating obstacles for Sarah to overcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters confront supernatural threats, face mysterious illnesses, and uncover dark secrets, raising the tension and danger for the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly with the introduction of the Dybbuk box, Ryan's illness, and Sarah's increasing anxiety, setting up new mysteries and conflicts for the characters to navigate.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected discovery of Ryan's condition and the disturbing elements surrounding him, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the tension between Sarah's desire to protect Ryan and the disturbing discovery of the dead insects and rats around him. This challenges her beliefs about their relationship and the nature of their reality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and shock in the audience, drawing them into the characters' struggles and setting up emotional stakes for the story.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and fears, adding to the suspense and building tension in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, intriguing mystery, and intimate character interactions that draw the audience into the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually, revealing information at a suspenseful pace, and maintaining the audience's interest throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a suspenseful thriller genre, with a buildup of tension, a reveal of mystery, and a resolution that leaves questions unanswered.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, particularly through the use of sensory details like the dampness of the bed and the presence of dead insects. These elements create a visceral sense of dread that enhances the horror atmosphere.
  • The flashback to the Preacher Man is a strong narrative device that connects Sarah's current fears with her past trauma. However, the transition between the present and the flashback could be smoother. The abruptness of the flashback might confuse readers who are not fully engaged with the story's backstory.
  • Sarah's emotional response to finding Ryan in a vulnerable state is well portrayed, but her dialogue could be more varied. The line 'You look like hell' feels somewhat clichéd and could be replaced with something more original that reflects her unique voice and emotional state.
  • The description of the basement and Ryan's condition is chilling, but the scene could benefit from more internal monologue from Sarah. This would allow readers to connect more deeply with her fear and urgency, enhancing the emotional stakes.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition from the master bedroom to the basement feels rushed. Adding a moment of hesitation or internal conflict for Sarah before she descends into the basement could heighten the tension and make her decision feel more impactful.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of Sarah's internal thoughts or fears before she descends into the basement. This could help build suspense and give readers insight into her emotional state.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more unique and reflective of Sarah's character. Instead of 'You look like hell,' consider a line that conveys her concern in a more personal way.
  • Enhance the transition between the present and the flashback by using a more gradual fade or a sensory trigger (like a sound or smell) that leads Sarah into the memory, making it feel more organic.
  • Incorporate more sensory details in the basement scene to amplify the horror. Describe the sounds, smells, and the oppressive darkness to create a more immersive experience for the reader.
  • Consider ending the scene with a stronger cliffhanger or emotional beat, such as Sarah's realization of the implications of Ryan's condition or a sudden noise that suggests they are not alone, to keep readers engaged and eager to turn the page.



Scene 13 -  Awakening Shadows
INT. BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER *
Sarah runs a cold shower, shocking Ryan awake. *
RYAN *
That’s freezing. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 37.


SARAH *
It’ll help get your temperature *
down. *
As Ryan struggles with the cold, Sarah sponges him down. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
What happened, Ryan? *
Ryan thinks but struggles to recall. *
RYAN *
...I’ve no idea. *
SARAH *
Well, it’s a bed rest for you. *
Sarah helps him out. What she doesn’t see are bloodied tiny *
maggots being drained away with the water. *

INT. KITCHEN - SAME *
Jason plays his game, ignoring May who begins to hum the *
Preacher Man’s lullaby. *
JASON *
That’s really annoying. *
May pours herself another bowl of cereal and continues to *
hum. She then pulls up a chair next to her and pours another *
bowl of cereal out. *
JASON (CONT’D) *
Stop with the humming. *
She doesn’t and sits smiling at SOMEONE or SOMETHING next to *
her. *
MAY *
These are my favourites. Try some. *
May eats and without looking up... *
JASON *
...I don’t want any of your dump *
cereal. *
May giggles. *
MAY *
I wasn’t talking to you... *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 38.


Jason freezes, raising his eyes to see May smiling at the *
empty chair next to her. *
Slightly spooked, Jason assesses the situation before *
continuing with his game. Staying with Jason, the sound of *
the spoon scraping around the bowl irritates him. *
Angrily snapping his head up... *
JASON *
...Will you just... *
His words trail off as he sees that May isn’t the one making *
the noise, the sound is coming from the other bowl next to *
her. The spoon circles the bowl before spinning to a stop. *
Springing out of his chair... *
JASON (CONT’D) *
...How did you do that? *
Not looking away from the empty chair... *
MAY *
...Do what? *
JASON *
The spoon. *
Giggling... *
MAY *
...That wasn’t me, silly. *
Trying to not show his fear... *
JASON *
...You’re such a freak. *
He quickly backs out of the kitchen and heads to his room. *
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Supernatural"]

Summary In a tense scene, Sarah tries to revive Ryan with a cold shower as he struggles to recall the events that left him disoriented. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Jason grows increasingly disturbed by May's cheerful humming and her eerie interaction with an unseen presence, culminating in a spoon moving on its own. This unsettling occurrence drives Jason to retreat from the kitchen, leaving behind the unsettling atmosphere.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Creating a creepy atmosphere
  • Introducing supernatural elements effectively
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Character reactions could be further developed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through its eerie tone, mysterious occurrences, and the introduction of supernatural elements. It keeps the audience engaged and curious about the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of blending horror, mystery, and supernatural elements in a domestic setting is well-executed. The scene introduces intriguing elements that set the stage for further exploration of the unknown.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the introduction of unsettling events and the characters' reactions to them. It sets up mysteries and conflicts that drive the narrative forward and keep the audience invested.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces unique elements like the mysterious sound of the spoon scraping and May's interaction with an unseen presence. The dialogue feels authentic and adds to the tension and mystery.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' reactions to the supernatural occurrences add depth to the scene. Their fear, confusion, and interactions with unseen entities contribute to the overall atmosphere of suspense and mystery.

Character Changes: 6

The characters experience fear, confusion, and unease in response to the supernatural events, leading to subtle changes in their perceptions and behaviors. These changes contribute to the evolving tension and mystery of the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Ryan's internal goal in this scene is to remember what happened to him and to deal with the consequences. This reflects his deeper need for control and understanding in a situation that is out of his control.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to recover from whatever happened to him and to navigate the interactions with Sarah.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene arises from the characters' encounters with supernatural phenomena and their struggle to understand and cope with the unsettling events. It adds tension and drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external challenges that add complexity and depth to the story.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes in the scene involve the characters' safety and well-being as they face unknown and potentially dangerous supernatural forces. The escalating tension and mysterious occurrences raise the stakes and keep the audience on edge.

Story Forward: 8

The scene introduces new mysteries, conflicts, and supernatural elements that propel the story forward. It sets up intriguing plot points and keeps the audience curious about the unfolding events.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected events and interactions that challenge the audience's expectations.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between reality and perception. Jason's experience with May challenges his beliefs about what is possible or real.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and confusion in the characters and the audience. The eerie atmosphere and supernatural occurrences create an emotional impact that keeps the audience engaged and intrigued.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue serves to convey the characters' emotions and reactions to the unsettling events. It effectively builds tension and adds to the mysterious atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the mystery, tension, and unique character interactions that keep the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense gradually, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear action lines and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear scene transitions and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by juxtaposing Sarah's urgent care for Ryan with the unsettling behavior of May in the kitchen. This contrast heightens the sense of dread, as the audience is aware of the supernatural elements at play while Sarah is focused on her husband's well-being.
  • The dialogue between Sarah and Ryan is functional but could benefit from more emotional depth. Ryan's struggle to remember what happened is a pivotal moment, and it could be enhanced by incorporating more visceral reactions or fragmented memories that hint at the horror he experienced.
  • May's interaction with the unseen presence is intriguing and adds to the eerie atmosphere. However, the dialogue could be sharpened to make her connection to the entity more explicit, allowing the audience to grasp the implications of her actions more clearly.
  • The visual imagery of the bloodied maggots being drained away with the water is a strong and disturbing detail that effectively conveys the horror of the situation. However, it might be more impactful if this detail were foreshadowed earlier in the scene or linked to Ryan's condition more directly.
  • Jason's reaction to May's humming and the spoon moving on its own is well-executed, capturing the tension between sibling dynamics and the supernatural. However, his character could be developed further to show more of his internal conflict or fear, rather than just annoyance.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal monologue or emotional reflection from Sarah as she cares for Ryan, which could deepen the audience's connection to her character and heighten the stakes.
  • Enhance Ryan's dialogue to include fragmented memories or disjointed thoughts that hint at the trauma he experienced, making his struggle to recall events more poignant.
  • Clarify May's dialogue to make her connection to the unseen presence more explicit, perhaps by having her speak directly to it or express a desire to share her cereal with it, which would heighten the creepiness.
  • Integrate the imagery of the maggots more seamlessly into the narrative, perhaps by having Sarah notice them earlier or react to them in a way that reflects her growing horror about Ryan's condition.
  • Develop Jason's character further by showing more of his fear or confusion about May's behavior, which could create a more compelling sibling dynamic and add layers to the tension in the scene.



Scene 14 -  Tension in the Master Bedroom
INT. HALLWAY/MASTER BEDROOM - SAME *
Sarah is helping Ryan to the bedroom when Jason hurries past. *
SARAH *
You okay? *
No response as he slams his bedroom door. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
Great chat, Jas. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 39.


INT. MASTER BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS *
Sarah lies Ryan down and strokes his fragile face. *
SARAH *
Two casualties in one day... *
RYAN *
Two? *
SARAH *
May cut her hand... *
RYAN *
Is she okay? *
Trying to hide her concern... *
SARAH *
...A band-aid did the trick. *
Sarah can’t hide her worry. *
RYAN *
There’s something else. *
SARAH *
...Do you feel like there’s *
something strange about the house? *
RYAN *
Like what? *
SARAH *
I can’t put my finger on it. It’s *
just a feeling, almost like Deja *
vu...I don’t know. *
RYAN *
(Indifferent) *
It’s just a house...anything else? *
Seeing how sickly he looks she doesn’t want to burden him *
with May’s outburst. *
SARAH *
No...I best go check on Jas. *
She attempts to leave but Ryan forcefully grabs her wrist. *
RYAN *
(Flirtatious) *
Stay. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 40.


Surprised by his strength, Sarah resists. *
SARAH *
You’re ill. *
Ryan doesn’t let go. *
RYAN *
(Serious) *
I said, stay. You can make me feel *
better. It’s been a long time. *
He increases his grip making Sarah wince. *
SARAH *
Ryan, that hurts. Let go. *
Ryan holds his malicious stare before releasing her. *
Rubbing her wrist and backing away. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
(Bewildered) *
Let me know if you need anything. *
A half nod from Ryan and Sarah opens the door. *
RYAN *
Hey, did you find your locket? *
Sarah solemnly shakes her head. *
RYAN (CONT’D) *
Never mind. *
Sarah notes the coldness of his words, throwing him a half- *
smile, she leaves. *
Genres: ["Horror","Psychological Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary In the master bedroom, Sarah tends to Ryan after a troubling day, expressing concern for both him and another character, May. Despite her worries about a strange feeling in the house, Ryan dismisses her fears. The atmosphere turns tense when Ryan forcefully grips Sarah's wrist, insisting she stay with him, which makes her uncomfortable. After a brief struggle, he releases her, and they share a somber moment over a lost locket before Sarah ultimately decides to leave, highlighting the unresolved tension between them.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Intriguing character dynamics
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise
  • Lack of clarity on certain plot points

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes a sense of unease and mystery, drawing the audience in with its dark tone and intriguing character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a haunted house with a dark past and mysterious occurrences is well-executed, setting the stage for further exploration of supernatural elements and psychological themes.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the interactions between Sarah, Ryan, and their children, hinting at past events and setting up future conflicts within the narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar domestic setting but adds a layer of mystery and tension through the characters' interactions and the subtle hints at supernatural elements. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions are believable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, particularly Sarah and Ryan, are well-developed and their interactions reveal layers of complexity and hidden motivations, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Sarah and Ryan show subtle changes in their behavior and emotions, hinting at deeper character arcs and growth as the story progresses.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to navigate her concern for Ryan's well-being while also dealing with her own unease about the house. This reflects her deeper need for connection and safety, as well as her fear of the unknown and the supernatural.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to check on Jason and maintain a sense of normalcy despite the strange occurrences in the house. This reflects the immediate challenge of balancing her caretaking duties with her own fears and suspicions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a sense of internal conflict within the characters, particularly Sarah and Ryan, as they grapple with their past and the strange events unfolding in the house.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong but not overwhelming, with subtle conflicts and power dynamics between the characters. The audience is left unsure of how the interactions will unfold, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as the characters confront supernatural forces and past traumas, adding urgency and tension to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new mysteries and conflicts, setting up future developments and revelations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the subtle hints at supernatural elements and the ambiguous nature of the characters' motivations. The audience is left wondering about the true nature of the house and the characters' intentions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between the protagonist's intuition and rationality. She feels something is off about the house but struggles to articulate it, while Ryan dismisses her concerns as irrational. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the supernatural and her ability to trust her instincts.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and tension in the audience, creating an emotional connection to the characters and their plight.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals subtle tensions and emotions between the characters, enhancing the atmosphere of suspense and mystery.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the subtle tension between the characters, the mysterious atmosphere, and the underlying sense of danger. The reader is drawn into the protagonist's internal conflict and the unfolding mystery of the house.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of conflict and emotion. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences adds to the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and dialogue that flow naturally. It adheres to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a suspenseful domestic drama, with a gradual build-up of tension and conflict. The pacing and formatting are effective in conveying the mood and atmosphere of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the physical and emotional dynamics between Sarah and Ryan. The contrast between Sarah's concern for their children and Ryan's indifferent demeanor highlights the growing rift in their relationship, which is compelling.
  • Ryan's flirtatious yet forceful grip on Sarah's wrist introduces a layer of discomfort that adds to the scene's tension. However, the transition from flirtation to aggression could be more nuanced to avoid feeling abrupt. The shift in Ryan's character from caring to menacing should be more gradual to enhance the psychological horror.
  • The dialogue is generally strong, but some lines could be tightened for clarity and impact. For example, Sarah's line about feeling something strange in the house could be more specific to evoke a stronger emotional response from Ryan and the audience.
  • The use of physical actions, such as Sarah rubbing her wrist after Ryan releases her, is effective in conveying her discomfort and fear. However, more visual cues could enhance the atmosphere, such as describing the dim lighting or unsettling sounds in the house that contribute to Sarah's anxiety.
  • The scene ends on a somewhat ambiguous note with Sarah's half-smile and Ryan's coldness, which is intriguing but could benefit from a stronger emotional payoff. The audience should feel a heightened sense of dread or urgency as Sarah leaves the room.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more sensory details to the scene, such as the temperature of the room or the sounds of the house settling, to create a more immersive atmosphere.
  • Enhance the tension by incorporating more non-verbal communication between Sarah and Ryan. Subtle gestures or facial expressions can convey their emotional states without relying solely on dialogue.
  • Explore Ryan's character further to provide context for his sudden change in demeanor. A brief flashback or a line of dialogue that hints at his internal struggle could deepen the audience's understanding of his transformation.
  • Revise Sarah's dialogue to make her concerns about the house more specific. Instead of vague feelings, she could mention specific occurrences that unsettle her, which would make her fears more relatable and urgent.
  • Consider ending the scene with a stronger cliffhanger or a more pronounced sense of dread, such as a sudden noise from the house that interrupts their conversation, leaving Sarah and the audience on edge.



Scene 15 -  Unresolved Tensions
INT. HALLWAY/JASON’S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER *
Sarah knocks on the door. *
SARAH *
Jas, is everything okay? *
JASON (O.S.) *
Go away! *
SARAH *
(Hurt) *
I just want to check if you’re *
okay... *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 41.


No response so she heads downstairs. *
Ryan rises from bed and approaches the full-length mirror, *
gazing at his reflection as if it's unfamiliar. He pulls down
his cheeks, examining his unnaturally dark eyes, then
suddenly lets out a belly laugh.
Composing himself, his face shifts to reveal simmering anger.
A sinister smile creeps across his lips as he
tap...tap...taps on the mirror.
RYAN *
Knock...knock...knock. *

INT. FOYER - MOMENTS LATER *
May runs to the front door expecting someone to be there, but *
nobody is. *
SARAH (O.S.) *
Where are you going? *
MAY *
Can I play outside? *
SARAH *
One second, what happened to Jason? *
May shrugs. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
Well, he must have been upset for a *
reason. *
MAY *
I don’t think he likes my new *
friend. *
SARAH *
May, this needs to stop. *
MAY *
But he wants to help us. *
SARAH *
May, please...just stop! *
Taken aback, May’s puppy dog eyes land on Sarah. *
MAY *
I wish you would believe me. *
Before Sarah can respond May is out of the door... *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 42.


SARAH *
Stay where I can see you! *
Sarah picks up a box of cleaning supplies and heads towards *
the basement but a KNOCK...KNOCK...KNOCK makes her head back *
to the door. *
Opening the door, nobody is there... *
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense scene, Sarah expresses concern for Jason's well-being but is met with his refusal to engage. After a heated discussion with May about her new friend, May runs out despite Sarah's warnings. The atmosphere thickens with unease as Sarah hears a mysterious knock at the door, only to find it empty, amplifying the sense of isolation and unresolved conflict.
Strengths
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Intriguing concept
  • Strong atmosphere and tone
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Character changes could be more pronounced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through its use of eerie settings, supernatural elements, and mysterious interactions. The combination of horror, mystery, and thriller genres creates a compelling atmosphere of fear and unease, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a haunted house with supernatural elements, mysterious boxes, and sinister entities is intriguing and well-executed. The scene effectively introduces and develops these concepts, setting the stage for further exploration and development in the story.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the introduction of new mysteries, conflicts, and character interactions. The scene sets up intriguing plot points and raises questions that drive the narrative forward, keeping the audience invested in the unfolding story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique family dynamics and conflicts, with authentic character actions and dialogue that add depth to the narrative. The interactions between the characters feel fresh and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters exhibit fear, tension, and confusion in response to the supernatural events unfolding around them. Their interactions and reactions add depth to the scene and contribute to the overall sense of suspense and mystery.

Character Changes: 6

The characters experience fear, tension, and confusion as they confront supernatural forces and mysterious events. These experiences lead to subtle changes in their perceptions and behaviors, setting the stage for further character development and growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to understand and connect with her family members, particularly Jason and May. This reflects her deeper need for harmony and communication within the family, as well as her fear of being unable to help or understand her loved ones.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to maintain control and order within the household, especially in relation to Jason's behavior and May's interactions. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with family conflicts and misunderstandings.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, including the characters' fear of the unknown, their struggles with supernatural forces, and their attempts to navigate a mysterious and dangerous situation. These conflicts drive the tension and suspense of the scene, keeping the audience on edge.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and suspense, with unresolved issues and conflicting character motivations that keep the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes in the scene involve the characters' safety, sanity, and survival as they confront supernatural forces and mysterious entities. The escalating tension and danger raise the stakes, keeping the audience invested in the outcome of the unfolding events.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new mysteries, conflicts, and plot developments. It raises questions, builds suspense, and sets the stage for future revelations, driving the narrative towards its resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected character actions, unresolved conflicts, and mysterious elements that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between trust and skepticism. May believes in her new friend's intentions to help, while Sarah is skeptical and cautious. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about trust and loyalty within the family.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, unease, and tension in the audience, creating an emotional connection to the characters and their struggles. The supernatural elements and mysterious events heighten the emotional impact, drawing viewers into the unfolding story.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and tensions in response to the supernatural occurrences. It adds to the atmosphere of suspense and mystery, enhancing the overall tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense atmosphere, mysterious character motivations, and subtle conflicts that keep the audience intrigued.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, revealing character emotions, and maintaining a sense of mystery throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and character cues that enhance readability.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear scene transitions and character interactions that drive the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by juxtaposing Sarah's concern for her children with Ryan's unsettling behavior. However, the transition between Sarah's interaction with Jason and Ryan's moment in front of the mirror feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the flow of the narrative.
  • Ryan's characterization is intriguing, but the sudden shift from laughter to anger could benefit from more context. Providing a hint of what triggers this emotional change would deepen the audience's understanding of his psychological state.
  • May's dialogue about her 'new friend' introduces an interesting supernatural element, but it lacks clarity. It would be beneficial to provide more context about this friend to heighten the suspense and intrigue surrounding her character.
  • The emotional stakes in Sarah's dialogue with May are palpable, but the dialogue could be more dynamic. Instead of repeating 'stop,' consider varying her language to convey urgency and desperation more effectively.
  • The scene ends on a suspenseful note with the mysterious knock at the door, but it could be more impactful if it were tied back to the earlier supernatural elements. Perhaps a visual cue or sound effect could reinforce the connection to the Dybbuk box or the entity haunting the family.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of internal conflict for Sarah as she knocks on Jason's door, reflecting her own fears about the situation. This could deepen her character and make her concern feel more urgent.
  • Enhance Ryan's moment in front of the mirror by incorporating more sensory details, such as the sound of his laughter echoing in the empty room or the way the light reflects off his eyes, to create a more vivid and unsettling atmosphere.
  • Clarify May's reference to her 'new friend' by providing a hint about who or what this friend is. This could be done through a brief flashback or a more descriptive line that evokes curiosity and fear.
  • Revise Sarah's dialogue to include more varied emotional responses. Instead of simply asking May to stop, she could express her fear or frustration in a way that reveals her emotional state more clearly.
  • Consider ending the scene with a stronger visual or auditory cue that ties back to the supernatural elements of the story, such as a faint whisper or a shadow passing by the door, to leave the audience with a lingering sense of dread.



Scene 16 -  Whispers from the Closet
EXT. COLONIAL HOUSE - CONTINUOUS *
Confused, she steps out, looking around. May plays near-by. *
SARAH *
May, did you want something? *
Without stopping from playing... *
MAY *
...No, mommy. *
SARAH *
(Baffled) *
Did you knock on the door? *
MAY *
Nope. *
Not convinced, Sarah heads back inside. *

INT. FOYER - CONTINUOUS *
Picking up the cleaning box she takes a step and *
KNOCK...KNOCK...KNOCK...playfully rushing back to the door... *
SARAH *
... Gotcha! *
Nobody is there. May is still some way off playing. *
A sense of dread engulfs her as she steps out again. *

EXT. COLONIAL HOUSE - CONTINUOUS *
Sarah stands looking gingerly back and forth. *
From behind her, a girl’s voice blows past her on the breeze. *
GIRL’S VOICE *
...Help me... *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 43.


Sarah jumps out of her skin. Expecting to see someone - *
nobody is behind her. *
Gathering herself she heads back inside... *

INT. FOYER - CONTINUOUS *
...closes the door and waits. No knock comes but the feeling *
of being watched is overwhelming. *
Picking up the cleaning box she heads down to the basement. *

INT. JASON’S ROOM - SAME *
Jason plays a handheld video game, the sounds of pings and *
zaps filling his earphones.
A faint KNOCK... KNOCK... KNOCK comes from the closet door.
Initially oblivious, Jason eventually notices the slightly
louder KNOCK... KNOCK... KNOCK.
He removes an earphone and hears his mother’s voice, faint
and urgent, coming from inside the closet. *
SARAH’S VOICE (O.S.) *
Jason, come here, it’s mom. *
Confused, Jason glances at the bedroom door. *
JASON *
Mom? *
SARAH’S VOICE (O.S.) *
Yes! Yes, it’s me. I need you to *
let me out. *
JASON *
Why are you in the closet? *
SARAH’S VOICE (O.S.) *
I’ll explain later. Can you open *
the doors? *
Cautiously, Jason approaches as the closet door creaks open,
revealing only darkness. Sarah’s tone shifts, becoming cold
and emotionless
SARAH’S VOICE (O.S.) (CONT’D) *
I have something to show you. *
A music box slides out of the darkness. Jason hesitates. *
Pink Rev. (08/21/24) 44.


JASON *
(Suspicious) *
Is this a prank? *
SARAH’S VOICE (O.S.) *
I have one for May too. *
Suspicious, Jason steps closer, locking eyes with the music
box.
JASON *
This is weird. Will you just come *
out? *
SARAH’S VOICE (O.S.) *
Open it. *
He picks up the box and inspects it. *
JASON *
Looks like a baby’s toy. *
SARAH’S VOICE (O.S.) *
(Forceful) *
Open it. *
He picks it up and stares at it. *
SARAH’S VOICE (O.S.) (CONT’D) *
Open the box. *
Just as he’s about to open it... *
SARAH’S VOICE (O.S.) (CONT’D) *
(Screaming)
...Noooo! *
The music box flies back into the closet and the doors slam *
shut. Jason runs out. *
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense scene set in a colonial house, Sarah steps outside, confused by a mysterious knock, while May remains playful and unaware of the tension. Hearing a girl's voice asking for help fills Sarah with dread, prompting her to return inside. Meanwhile, Jason, engrossed in a video game, hears his mother's voice from the closet, urging him to let her out. As he approaches, Sarah's voice turns cold, commanding him to open a music box that slides out from the darkness. Just as he is about to comply, Sarah screams 'Noooo!', causing the box to fly back into the closet and Jason to flee in fear, leaving the unsettling conflict unresolved.
Strengths
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Creating a chilling atmosphere
  • Introducing mysterious elements and supernatural occurrences
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Character reactions could be further developed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively creates a suspenseful and eerie atmosphere, engaging the audience with its mysterious elements and building tension throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a haunted house with supernatural occurrences and mysterious entities is well-executed, drawing the audience into the mystery and horror of the situation.

Plot: 7

The plot advances with the introduction of the music box and the mysterious voices, adding layers to the mystery and setting up future events in the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the haunted house genre by combining supernatural elements with psychological suspense. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' reactions to the supernatural events and their interactions with each other add depth to the scene, showcasing their fear, confusion, and concern for each other.

Character Changes: 6

The characters experience fear and uncertainty, leading to a shift in their perceptions of the supernatural occurrences in the house.

Internal Goal: 8

Sarah's internal goal is to understand the strange occurrences happening in the house and protect her children. This reflects her deeper need for safety and security.

External Goal: 7

Sarah's external goal is to investigate the mysterious voices and events in the house. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in dealing with the supernatural.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between the characters and the supernatural elements in the house adds to the tension and suspense, driving the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing supernatural forces and psychological challenges that create uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are established with the supernatural events in the house, putting the characters in danger and increasing the sense of urgency and fear.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements of mystery and horror, setting up future developments and escalating the tension.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected supernatural events and the shifting tone of the characters' dialogue.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Sarah's rational beliefs and the supernatural occurrences she is experiencing. This challenges her worldview and beliefs in the natural order of things.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and confusion in the characters and the audience, creating an emotional connection to the unfolding events.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and reactions to the supernatural occurrences, enhancing the tension and suspense in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, mysterious events, and the development of the protagonist's internal and external goals.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually and maintaining a sense of suspense throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful horror genre, building tension and mystery effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the use of sound and silence, particularly with the knocking and the girl's voice. However, the transition between Sarah's confusion and the supernatural elements could be more fluid to enhance the sense of dread.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works well in creating an eerie atmosphere, but it could benefit from more internal monologue or thoughts from Sarah to deepen her emotional state and make her fear more relatable to the audience.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the moment when Sarah hears the girl's voice could be expanded to allow for a more visceral reaction. This would heighten the suspense and make the audience feel her fear more acutely.
  • The use of the music box as a plot device is intriguing, but its introduction feels somewhat abrupt. It might be more effective if there were earlier hints or foreshadowing about the music box's significance to build anticipation.
  • The scene shifts between Sarah and Jason's perspectives, which is a good technique, but it could be clearer how their experiences are interconnected. A stronger link between their fears could enhance the emotional stakes.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Sarah when she hears the knocking and the girl's voice. This could provide insight into her mental state and amplify the tension.
  • Expand the moment when Sarah hears the girl's voice. Allow her to react more physically or emotionally, perhaps by showing her hesitance or a moment of disbelief before she decides to go back inside.
  • Introduce subtle hints about the music box earlier in the script, perhaps through a conversation or a visual cue, to create a stronger connection to its later significance.
  • Clarify the connection between Sarah and Jason's experiences. Perhaps include a moment where they sense each other's fear, reinforcing the idea that they are both affected by the supernatural elements in the house.
  • Consider using more descriptive language to convey the atmosphere and Sarah's feelings. This could help immerse the audience in the scene and enhance the overall tension.



Scene 17 -  Fractured Trust
INT. MASTER BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER *
Jason bursts into the bedroom, fear still etched on his face. *
Ryan sits by the window, staring blankly outside. Jason
notices sweat beading on Ryan’s brow and the strange
discoloration creeping up his neck.

JASON *
Dad! Something freaky just *
happened. Can you come look? *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 45.


Ryan remains ominously still. His manner of speech is now low *
and quiet. *
RYAN *
Hi, Jason. *
Jason edges around the bed, noting his sickly complexion. *
JASON *
Are you still sick? *
RYAN *
Maybe we’re all sick. *
Jason doesn’t understand. *
JASON *
I heard something in my closet. *
No response. *
JASON (CONT’D) *
It sounded like mom, but it *
couldn’t have been. *
RYAN *
Is that all? *
JASON *
Well, yeah but mom was downstairs *
and- *
RYAN *
-When are you going to stop acting *
like a little bitch? *
Jason recoils in shock. *
JASON *
You can’t say that. *
RYAN *
I just did. Go on, get out. Your *
constant bullshit is tiresome. *
Jason is entirely stunned. *
Ryan angrily shifts his focus to Jason. His eyes are *
bloodshot which makes Jason retreat. *
RYAN (CONT’D) *
Get out! *
Scared, Jason hurries to the door. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 46.
Genres: ["Horror","Psychological Thriller","Family Drama"]

Summary In a tense confrontation, Jason, frightened by a strange noise from his closet, seeks comfort from his father Ryan in the master bedroom. However, Ryan, displaying a sickly demeanor and aggressive behavior, harshly dismisses Jason's fears, escalating the emotional conflict between them. The scene ends with Jason, stunned and scared, retreating as Ryan commands him to leave.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Intriguing mysteries
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may come off as overly harsh or abrupt

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up multiple mysteries, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued. The mix of horror and family drama elements adds depth to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a family moving into a haunted house with dark secrets and supernatural occurrences is intriguing and well-executed. The scene effectively introduces key elements of the story and sets up future conflicts.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene, introducing key conflicts, mysteries, and character dynamics. The discovery of the Dybbuk box and the escalating supernatural events add depth to the narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on a familiar domestic setting by incorporating elements of mystery and tension. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined, each with their own fears, motivations, and secrets. The tension between family members and the mysterious past of Sarah and Ryan add layers to the story.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience moments of fear, shock, and tension, leading to potential changes in their beliefs and behaviors. The supernatural events and family dynamics challenge their perceptions and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

Jason's internal goal in this scene is to seek reassurance and understanding from his father about the strange events he experienced. This reflects his deeper need for security and validation.

External Goal: 7

Jason's external goal in this scene is to get his father to investigate the strange noise he heard in the closet. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a potentially supernatural occurrence.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, including supernatural occurrences, family tensions, and the unraveling of past traumas. The escalating sense of dread and mystery heighten the conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Ryan's dismissive attitude creating a barrier for Jason to overcome.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes involve the safety and well-being of the family members, the unraveling of dark secrets, and the threat of supernatural forces. The escalating tension and mysteries raise the stakes for the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing key plot points, conflicts, and mysteries. The discovery of the Dybbuk box and the escalating supernatural events propel the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected shift in Ryan's behavior and the unresolved mystery of the strange noise.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between Jason's belief in the supernatural and Ryan's dismissive attitude towards it. This challenges Jason's worldview and beliefs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and unease, keeping the audience emotionally engaged. The characters' struggles and the supernatural elements add to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, tense, and reveals underlying tensions within the family. It effectively conveys the characters' emotions and sets up future conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense atmosphere, mysterious elements, and dramatic character interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for a screenplay.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful domestic drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by showcasing Jason's fear and Ryan's unsettling demeanor. However, the transition from the previous scene to this one could be smoother. The abrupt shift from Sarah's scream to Jason's entrance feels jarring and could benefit from a more gradual build-up to maintain suspense.
  • Ryan's character takes a dark turn in this scene, which is intriguing but may come off as sudden for the audience. While it establishes a sense of danger, it might be helpful to provide subtle hints of Ryan's deteriorating mental state earlier in the script to make this shift feel more organic.
  • The dialogue between Jason and Ryan is impactful, particularly Ryan's harsh words towards Jason. However, the use of the phrase 'little bitch' may feel overly aggressive and could alienate some viewers. It’s important to balance the intensity of Ryan's character with moments that allow the audience to empathize with him, even in his darker moments.
  • Jason's reactions are well portrayed, showcasing his confusion and fear. However, the scene could benefit from more internal conflict or emotional depth from Jason. Perhaps he could express a moment of hesitation or doubt about approaching his father, which would heighten the tension and make his eventual retreat more poignant.
  • The visual description of Ryan's physical state is effective in conveying his sickness, but it could be enhanced by incorporating more sensory details. For instance, describing the atmosphere in the room—such as a musty smell or dim lighting—could further amplify the unsettling mood.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of silence or a lingering shot of the closet after Sarah's scream before Jason enters the room. This would create a more suspenseful transition and allow the audience to feel the weight of the previous scene.
  • Introduce subtle signs of Ryan's mental decline earlier in the script, such as odd behavior or cryptic comments, to make his aggressive outburst feel more justified and less abrupt.
  • Reevaluate the language used in Ryan's dialogue. Instead of 'little bitch,' consider a phrase that conveys his frustration without being overly harsh, which could help maintain audience sympathy for both characters.
  • Incorporate more internal dialogue or physical reactions from Jason to deepen his emotional experience. This could include him hesitating at the door or recalling a comforting memory of his father before confronting him.
  • Enhance the setting's atmosphere by adding sensory details that reflect the tension in the room, such as flickering lights, a cold draft, or the oppressive silence, to create a more immersive experience for the audience.



Scene 18 -  Shadows of the Past
INT. JASON'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER *
Jason rushes to his bed, eyes fixed nervously on the closet. *
He hurriedly stacks boxes and a chair in front of the door,
then wraps a belt around the knobs. Climbing back into bed,
he stares anxiously at the closet.

INT. BASEMENT - SAME *
Sarah grimaces as she picks up the last dead rat, dropping it *
into a trash bag. She ties it up and leaves it by the stairs. *

EXT. COLONIAL HOUSE - SAME *
May wanders around the house. At the back, she finds a pile *
of dead birds. Glancing up, she spots feathers and blood
smeared on the attic window. Another bird crashes into the
glass, falling dead into the pile.
Alarmed, she stumbles back as a large shadow, wearing a
Saturno hat, looms over her. She turns and smiles. *
MAY *
There you are. *

INT. BASEMENT - SAME *
The basement looks more organized and Sarah is scrubbing *
clean the dirt and cobwebs away from a section of the wall, a *
child’s drawing emerges through the dirt - a stick family: a *
father, a mother, and two daughters. *
Above the stick figures are the names... *

D a d d y * M o m m y * E m m a * S a - the last portion of
*
Sarah’s name is rubbed out. *
Intrigued, Sarah removes her glove and traces the letters. *

INT. BASEMENT - FLASHBACK *
Young Sarah draws the picture while Emma giggles beside her. *
They hear footsteps descending the stairs. *
EMMA *
(Hushed) *
Daddy’s coming. *
Their joy turns to worry as they hide behind the stone slab. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 47.


Their smiles fade as they hide behind a stone slab. Their *
father stumbles in - drunk and mumbling, carrying the Dybbuk
box, its handle tied with a red ribbon. He places it on the
slab and steps back.
Emma cowers as Sarah peeks out, catching sight of the Entity
clinging to their father’s back. Its burning gaze locks with
young Sarah, who stares back and smiles. *
END OF FLASHBACK. *

INT. BASEMENT - SAME *
Sarah screams, stumbling back as the dead rats and insects *
suddenly reappear around the slab. In shock, she hurries
upstairs.

INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER *
Sarah rushes to where the Dybbuk box was—it's gone. Looking *
outside, she notices May is missing. *

EXT. COLONIAL HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER *
Sarah frantically searches for May. *
SARAH *
May! *
Rounding the corner, she finds May drawing in the dirt beside
the Dybbuk box. Sarah approaches and sees the disturbing
image: a dead stick family. M o m m y and E m m a lie lifeless, *
D a d d y wields an axe, and the Entity clings to his back, *
with S a r a h above it. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
(Concerned) *
May, what is this? *
May’s expressionless face stares at Sarah. *
MAY *
Don’t you remember? *
Her eyes roll back as she lets out a terrifying scream and *
collapses. Sarah catches her. *
SARAH *
May, wake up sweetie? May! *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 48.


May’s eyes flutter open, gazing at Sarah’s tear-streaked *
face. *
MAY *
Why are you crying, Mommy? *
Sarah, suspicious, glares at the Dybbuk box. She angrily *
tosses it into the trees before carrying May inside.

INT. MAY'S BEDROOM - LATER *
May sleeps peacefully. Sarah, deep in thought, strokes her *
hair before quietly leaving the room.

INT. MASTER BEDROOM - SAME *
Ryan sits upright, staring blankly into space. He looks *
healthier, but his eyes are hollow. Inaudible whispers swirl
around him, vanishing as Sarah enters.
SARAH *
I’m calling the doctor. *
RYAN *
I’m fine. *
SARAH *
Not for you, for May. *
RYAN *
(Indifferent) *
Is she hurt? *
SARAH *
She was sleepwalking and drawing *
these weird pictures on the ground. *
She passed out. *
A clearly upset Sarah buries her head in her hands. A very *
aloof Ryan doesn’t bat an eyelid. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
Something is wrong here, Ryan. This *
house, that box. I got rid of it. *
Now he’s listening. *
RYAN *
Where? *
Turning to offer a reluctant stroke of her hair, Ryan‘s *
expression changes to one of lust. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 49.


SARAH *
It doesn’t matter where it’s gone. *
I can’t find my phone, can you call *
the doctor? *
RYAN *
It’s done. *
His stroking moves down to her shoulders. *
SARAH *
I found something on the basement *
wall. A child’s drawing. This might *
sound crazy, but I think I drew *
that picture. *
His stroking intensifies as he kisses her neck. *
RYAN *
Maybe you did. *
He kisses and becomes more aggressive. *
SARAH *
Ryan, stop. Are you even listening? *
He pulls her to face him and attempts to kiss her lips. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
Ryan! No! *
She pulls herself away. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
What has gotten into you? *
Ryan arrogantly exhales. *
RYAN *
Will you just stop with the *
constant whining? *
Sarah is dumbstruck. *
RYAN (CONT’D) *
(Mocking) *
Ryan, get rid of the box, Ryan, *
call the doctor, Ryan, don’t touch *
me. This is what you wanted, Sarah, *
a fresh start, but all you’ve done *
since we got here is complain. Poor *
little Sarah and her poor lack of *
memories...me...me...me...WHAT *
ABOUT ME! When is it my turn?! *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 50.


Speechless, she marches to the door. *
RYAN (CONT’D) *
(Amused) *
Remember when you used to be fun? *
No wait, you probably can’t. *
His arrogant smile fills her with rage as she slams the door *
behind her. *
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense atmosphere within a colonial house, Jason barricades himself in his room, fearing an unseen threat. Meanwhile, Sarah uncovers a child's drawing in the basement that triggers a traumatic memory of her childhood. As she grapples with the reappearance of dead rats and insects, she rushes upstairs to find May drawing a disturbing image in the dirt. After May collapses, Sarah angrily disposes of the Dybbuk box and confronts Ryan about May's condition, leading to a heated argument where Ryan's indifference turns aggressive. The scene culminates with Sarah leaving in frustration, highlighting the escalating conflict over May's safety and the strain in Sarah and Ryan's relationship.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Eerie atmosphere
  • Mysterious elements
  • Suspenseful plot progression
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Character development could be further explored
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a compelling mystery with its eerie atmosphere, disturbing imagery, and character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a haunted colonial house, a mysterious Dybbuk box, and unsettling drawings adds depth and intrigue to the scene, engaging the audience with its supernatural elements.

Plot: 8

The plot unfolds with a series of unsettling events and revelations, keeping the audience on edge and driving the narrative forward with a sense of mystery and foreboding.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on supernatural horror, blending psychological drama with supernatural elements. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' reactions to the supernatural occurrences and their strained relationships add depth to the scene, but there is room for further development to fully explore their motivations and dynamics.

Character Changes: 7

Some characters experience subtle changes in their perceptions and behaviors due to the supernatural events, hinting at potential character growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 9

Sarah's internal goal is to protect her daughter May and uncover the truth behind the supernatural events in the house. This reflects her desire for safety, understanding, and closure.

External Goal: 8

Sarah's external goal is to find the missing Dybbuk box and ensure the safety of her family. This reflects the immediate threat and danger they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, including supernatural threats, strained relationships, and mysterious events, heightening the tension and driving the plot forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with mysterious supernatural forces, internal conflicts, and unresolved tensions creating obstacles for the characters to overcome.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters face supernatural threats, family secrets, and mysterious forces that put their lives and sanity at risk, adding urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key plot points, deepening the mystery, and escalating the supernatural threats, setting the stage for further developments and revelations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden appearance of supernatural elements, unexpected character actions, and unresolved mysteries that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The scene presents a conflict between Sarah's need for truth and understanding, and Ryan's dismissive and selfish attitude. This challenges Sarah's values of family, honesty, and communication.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and shock in the audience through its eerie atmosphere, disturbing imagery, and characters' emotional reactions, creating a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and tensions, enhancing the scene's atmosphere and building suspense through their interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense atmosphere, mysterious elements, and compelling character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the unfolding events.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-crafted, with a balance of suspenseful moments, character interactions, and revelations that maintain the tension and drive the narrative forward effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for a suspenseful horror screenplay, enhancing the readability and impact of the narrative.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-paced structure, alternating between different locations and character perspectives to build tension and suspense effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the juxtaposition of Jason's fear and Sarah's unsettling discoveries in the basement. However, the transitions between locations (Jason's room, the basement, and outside) could be smoother to maintain the flow and urgency of the narrative.
  • The use of visual imagery, such as the dead birds and the child's drawing, is strong and contributes to the horror atmosphere. However, the significance of these images could be more explicitly tied to the characters' emotional states to deepen the audience's connection to their plight.
  • The dialogue in the scene is functional but lacks emotional depth. For instance, Sarah's concern for May and Jason could be expressed with more urgency or desperation to heighten the stakes. Additionally, Ryan's transformation from supportive to aggressive could benefit from more subtlety to make it feel more organic.
  • The flashback sequence is a powerful tool that reveals backstory, but it could be more integrated into the present action. Instead of a separate flashback, consider weaving the memories into Sarah's current emotional turmoil, allowing the audience to experience her realizations in real-time.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven at times. The buildup of tension with Jason barricading himself is effective, but the subsequent moments in the basement and outside could be tightened to maintain a consistent sense of urgency and dread.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere. For example, describe the sounds Jason hears from the closet or the smell of decay in the basement to immerse the audience further.
  • Strengthen the emotional stakes by showing more of Jason's internal struggle as he barricades himself. Perhaps include a moment of doubt or fear that makes the audience empathize with his actions.
  • Incorporate more dialogue that reveals the characters' emotional states. For instance, when Sarah discovers the drawing, she could express a mix of nostalgia and horror, which would deepen the impact of the moment.
  • Instead of a straightforward flashback, try using fragmented memories that interrupt Sarah's current actions, creating a more disorienting and immersive experience for the audience.
  • Ensure that the transitions between scenes are clear and purposeful. Consider using visual motifs or recurring phrases that connect the different locations and actions, reinforcing the themes of the story.



Scene 19 -  Echoes of Terror
INT. HALLWAY - FLASHBACK *
Sarah opens the door to a vision of her younger self, her *
mother June, and sister Emma, rushing down the hallway in
panic. June and Emma don’t notice her, but young Sarah locks
eyes with her older self, grinning. *
JUNE *
Don’t be scared. Daddy just isn’t *
feeling well. *
As they descend the stairs, Sarah sees the Entity clinging to *
young Sarah’s back. The Entity’s burning yellow eyes meet
hers before it peels off, twisting toward her.

Sarah tries to re-enter the bedroom, but the door is jammed.
She slams her shoulder against it, finally forcing it open
just as the Entity reaches for her.


INT. MASTER BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS *
Sarah stumbles into the room, where June stands horrified *
over Paul’s body, an axe buried in his head. June looks at
Sarah with disgust. *
JUNE *
(Devastated) *
What did you do!? *
The Entity slithers from under the bed, grabbing June and *
pulling her toward the ceiling, as she kicks and gasps for
air.

From behind Sarah, a tap... tap... tap. The Preacher Man’s
shadow looms over her. He grips her shoulder, triggering a
scream. Sarah breaks free, running into the hallway. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 51.


INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS *
In front of the rose window, the Preacher Man stands holding *
young Sarah’s hand. Her eyes glow yellow, and in her other
hand, she grips the axe. *
SARAH *
(Terrified) *
I don’t understand. *
THE PREACHER MAN *
Come back to me. *
SARAH *
I want to wake up! *
YOUNG SARAH *
(Sinister) *
We are awake... *
Young Sarah’s mouth stretches unnaturally wide as she *
unleashes a piercing scream that rattles the house.
Everything shakes violently until the vision blurs into
chaos...
END OF FLASHBACK. *
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary In a haunting flashback, older Sarah witnesses a chaotic scene with her younger self, mother June, and sister Emma as they are pursued by a malevolent Entity. Young Sarah locks eyes with her older self, who is horrified to see the Entity clinging to her back. As June tries to reassure her children, the Entity detaches and attacks, leading to a shocking discovery of their father's body. The tension escalates as the Preacher Man appears, manipulating young Sarah, who transforms into a sinister figure wielding an axe. The scene culminates in young Sarah's terrifying scream, plunging the vision into darkness and leaving older Sarah in a state of panic and confusion.
Strengths
  • Effective use of flashbacks
  • Building suspense and tension
  • Creating a chilling atmosphere
  • Revealing dark family secrets
  • Intriguing supernatural elements
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel cliched or melodramatic
  • Certain plot points may be predictable or familiar

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds suspense, creates a sense of dread, and keeps the audience engaged with its eerie atmosphere and shocking revelations. The use of flashbacks adds depth to the story and enhances the mystery surrounding the characters' past.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a haunted colonial house with supernatural elements, dark family secrets, and a mysterious Dybbuk box is intriguing and well-executed. The scene effectively blends horror and mystery elements to create a compelling narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot unfolds with a series of unsettling events, flashbacks, and supernatural occurrences that keep the audience on edge. The revelation of the characters' dark past and the presence of the Dybbuk box add depth to the story and raise the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh and original elements such as the Entity, the Preacher Man, and the distorted reality experienced by Sarah. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' reactions to the supernatural events and their interactions with each other add tension and depth to the scene. The dynamic between Sarah, Ryan, Jason, and May reveals their individual fears, vulnerabilities, and secrets, contributing to the overall sense of unease.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo emotional and psychological changes as they confront their past, face supernatural threats, and reveal hidden secrets. The scene sets the stage for character development and growth as the story progresses.

Internal Goal: 9

Sarah's internal goal is to understand and confront the supernatural entities and the traumatic events from her past. She is grappling with fear, confusion, and a desire to wake up from the nightmare.

External Goal: 8

Sarah's external goal is to escape the supernatural entities and the chaos unfolding around her. She is trying to survive and make sense of the terrifying events.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, including the characters' fears, tensions between family members, supernatural threats, and the mystery surrounding the Dybbuk box. The escalating conflicts drive the narrative forward and keep the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with supernatural entities, distorted reality, and a sense of impending danger creating obstacles for the protagonist. The audience is left unsure of how Sarah will overcome these challenges.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes in the scene include the characters' safety, their dark past coming to light, the supernatural threats they face, and the mystery surrounding the Dybbuk box. The escalating tension and danger raise the stakes for the characters and keep the audience on edge.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing important plot points, escalating conflicts, and deepening the mystery surrounding the Dybbuk box and the characters' past. The unfolding events propel the narrative and keep the audience invested in the story.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden twists, supernatural elements, and the blurred line between reality and nightmare. The audience is kept guessing about what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the nature of reality, dreams, and nightmares. Sarah's beliefs and perceptions are challenged by the supernatural entities and the distorted reality she is experiencing.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including fear, disgust, unease, tension, and empathy for the characters' struggles. The emotional impact adds depth to the story and enhances the audience's connection to the characters and their plight.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and conflicts, adding depth to their interactions and revealing important plot points. The use of dialogue enhances the tension and suspense in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotions, supernatural elements, and the sense of impending danger. The fast-paced action and vivid imagery keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension leading to a climactic moment. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, with a good balance of action, dialogue, and description. It follows the expected format for a horror or supernatural genre.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment that leaves the audience on edge. The formatting follows the expected format for a horror or supernatural genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively utilizes flashbacks to create a sense of urgency and horror, linking Sarah's past trauma with her present fears. However, the transitions between the flashback and present moments could be more clearly defined to avoid confusion for the audience.
  • The dialogue from June, while intended to be reassuring, feels somewhat clichéd and could benefit from more depth. Instead of simply stating 'Daddy just isn’t feeling well,' consider adding a line that hints at the severity of the situation or June's own fear, which would enhance the emotional weight.
  • The Entity's introduction is visually striking, but its motivations and connection to Sarah could be more explicitly conveyed. The audience may benefit from a clearer understanding of why the Entity is targeting Sarah and how it relates to her past.
  • The emotional climax of the scene, where June accuses Sarah of wrongdoing, is powerful but lacks context. Providing a brief moment of reflection or internal conflict for Sarah before this accusation could heighten the tension and make the moment more impactful.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, particularly in the transition from the hallway to the master bedroom. Slowing down the action slightly to allow for more suspense could enhance the horror elements and give the audience time to absorb the gravity of the situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a visual cue or sound effect to signify the transition between the flashback and present moment, helping the audience to follow the narrative more easily.
  • Revise June's dialogue to include more emotional depth, perhaps by expressing her own fear or desperation, which would make her character more relatable and the situation more dire.
  • Clarify the Entity's role and motivations through subtle hints or visual storytelling, such as showing its influence on Sarah's past decisions or fears, to create a stronger connection between the characters.
  • Introduce a moment of hesitation or internal conflict for Sarah before June's accusation, allowing the audience to see her struggle with her past and the implications of her actions.
  • Slow down the pacing during key moments, particularly when Sarah is trying to escape the Entity and when she confronts June. This can be achieved through longer shots or pauses in dialogue to build tension and suspense.



Scene 20 -  Whispers of Dread
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT *
A mystified Sarah wakes on hallway floor with a dead-eyed May *
watching from the bedroom door. She turns and heads back into *
bed. *

INT. MAY’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS *
Sarah nervously enters to see May staring straight ahead. *
*
SARAH *
May... *
May holds her catatonic gaze straight ahead. *
MAY *
Hello. *
SARAH *
Can I talk to you? *
MAY *
Yes. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 52.


Sarah edges to stand in front of May’s gaze. *
SARAH *
What does he want? *
MAY *
You, us, everything. *
Sarah’s eyes plead for more. *
MAY (CONT’D) *
First, he wanted the locket. *
SARAH *
My locket? *
MAY *
Daddy gave it to him and now he’s *
free and wants something else. *
SARAH *
What does he want? *
MAY *
Me and Jason and when he’s strong *
enough, he’ll take us. *
SARAH *
I won’t let that happen. *
MAY *
No, but Daddy will. *
SARAH *
Daddy will never hurt you, sweetie. *
He loves you. *
MAY *
The yellow-eyed man will make him *
do it. *
Sarah recoils in horror remembering her flashback. *
SARAH *
(Rushed) *
Daddy would never do that, May. *
What did he say about this house? *
No response. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
(Abrupt) *
May, look at me! The house? *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 53.


MAY *
It’s his house. It’s always been *
his house. *
SARAH *
What else? *
May remains stoic so Sarah grabs her face and forces eye *
contact. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
I need you to tell me everything. *
May stonily looks at her. *
MAY *
This house and his church are the *
same. The attic leads you there. *
It’s where he killed them all and *
he’s coming for you next, YOU *
BITCH! *
May slaps her as a tremor rocks the house. Slinging herself *
back, May drifts off to sleep. *
Sarah checks on her and sees that she’s fine. Stroking her *
hair, her eyes fill with tears. *
SARAH *
May...nobody is going to hurt you, *
I promise. *
A determination washes over her as she kisses May and heads *
out. *
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In a dimly lit hallway, Sarah awakens to find her sister May in a catatonic state. As Sarah enters May's room, May reveals the presence of a malevolent entity linked to their father, shifting from eerie to aggressive as she warns Sarah of the dangers they face. A violent confrontation ensues, culminating in May slapping Sarah, who is left shaken but determined to protect her sister. The scene closes with Sarah reassuring May of her safety before leaving the room, filled with a sense of urgency and dread.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Revealing dark secrets
  • Creating a chilling atmosphere
  • Exploring supernatural elements
  • Evolving character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly forced or melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension, reveals crucial information, and sets up high stakes for the characters. The mix of horror and mystery elements keeps the audience engaged and on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a haunted house with a dark past, supernatural entities, and a mysterious Dybbuk box is intriguing and well-executed. The scene effectively explores these concepts and adds depth to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene, revealing key information about the house's history, the Dybbuk box, and the characters' connections to the supernatural elements. The escalating conflict and high stakes keep the audience invested.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements of supernatural horror and psychological suspense, blending them with themes of family drama and betrayal. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the authenticity of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' reactions and interactions in this scene reveal their fears, vulnerabilities, and relationships. The tension between Sarah, May, and the unseen entities adds depth to their personalities.

Character Changes: 7

Sarah's realization of the dark past and the threat to her family leads to a shift in her determination and protective instincts. This scene marks a turning point for her character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect her loved ones from the malevolent force and to uncover the truth about the haunting past of the house. This reflects her deeper need for security, safety, and understanding.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to confront the supernatural threat and prevent it from harming her family. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, with supernatural entities, family secrets, and the characters' fears all coming to a head. The escalating tension and high stakes create a sense of urgency and danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the malevolent force posing a significant threat to the protagonist and her family, creating suspense and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes in the scene involve the safety of the characters, the threat of supernatural entities, and the revelation of dark family secrets. The danger and urgency are palpable, increasing the tension.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information, escalating the conflict, and setting up future events. It deepens the mystery and raises the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden twists in dialogue, the revelation of dark secrets, and the unexpected actions of the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of family loyalty, sacrifice, and the nature of evil. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about love, protection, and the limits of human goodness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, dread, and unease in the audience through the characters' reactions, the supernatural elements, and the high stakes involved. The emotional impact is significant and keeps the audience engaged.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and the unfolding mystery. It adds to the tension and suspense of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, emotional stakes, and supernatural elements that keep the audience on edge.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually, escalating conflicts, and maintaining a sense of urgency.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a horror genre screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a horror genre screenplay, building tension and suspense through dialogue and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and horror through the dialogue between Sarah and May, but it could benefit from more visual and sensory details to enhance the atmosphere. Describing the room's dim lighting, the sounds of the house settling, or the oppressive silence could amplify the sense of dread.
  • May's character is intriguing, but her transformation from catatonic to aggressive feels abrupt. Providing a clearer transition or hinting at her internal struggle could make her outburst more impactful and believable.
  • The dialogue is strong, particularly in conveying the stakes and the supernatural threat. However, some lines could be tightened for clarity. For example, instead of 'Daddy will never hurt you, sweetie. He loves you,' consider a more visceral response that reflects Sarah's fear and desperation.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the climax with May's slap could be more dramatic. Building up to that moment with escalating tension in Sarah's demeanor or the environment could enhance its shock value.
  • The emotional arc of Sarah is compelling, but her determination at the end feels slightly rushed. Expanding on her internal conflict or fear before she leaves the room could create a more satisfying emotional payoff.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more sensory details to immerse the audience in the scene. Describe the temperature of the room, the texture of May's hair, or the sound of Sarah's heartbeat to heighten the tension.
  • Consider adding a moment where May's expression changes subtly before her outburst, indicating a struggle between her true self and the influence of the entity. This could create a more nuanced portrayal of her character.
  • Revise some of the dialogue for brevity and impact. Aim for lines that convey urgency and fear without losing the emotional weight of the moment.
  • Enhance the build-up to May's slap by including physical cues from Sarah, such as her breathing becoming more rapid or her hands trembling, to signal her rising anxiety.
  • Allow Sarah a moment of reflection before she leaves the room, perhaps recalling a memory of her own childhood or a moment with May that reinforces her determination to protect her children.



Scene 21 -  Confronting Shadows
INT. STUDY - NIGHT *
The laptop’s glow lights up Sarah’s focused face as she *
types. Her eyes dart across the screen, scanning quickly
before stopping.

ON THE LAPTOP

An image of her house appears under the heading: Hell Mouth
House. Click.

The top search results are irrelevant, but she scrolls,
spotting another picture of her house. Click.

The image opens, revealing an article below: 300 YEARS OF
DEATH AT HELL MOUTH HOUSE. Sarah’s eyes narrow as she reads.
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 54.


17TH CENTURY PURITANS... NEW HAVEN COLONY CHILD DEATHS
1640... MYSTERIOUS DEATHS... 1732 TEN CHILDREN VANISH... 1825
MISSING CHILDREN... 1940 POLICE SEARCH CALLED OFF... 2000
MISSING FAMILY FEARED DEAD.
Her fingers graze the screen when the 2000 MISSING FAMILY
headline hits her hard. She looks away, shaken, but
refocuses.
Scrolling further, she finds an artist's rendition of the
17th-century New Haven Colony, villagers standing outside a
Puritan church. On the steps stands the Preacher Man, beneath
the same rose window from her house.
Sarah’s eyes widen in disbelief. She prints the image and
stares at it, realization dawning. She bolts out of the room. *

EXT. COLONIAL HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER *
Sarah bursts through the front door, holding the printed
image. Staring up at the house’s rose window, she compares it
with the drawing—it's identical.
SARAH
Oh my god. *

INT. MASTER BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING *
Sarah frantically packs clothing into suitcases. *
RYAN (O.S.) *
What are you doing?
Spooked, Sarah spins around to see Ryan blocking the door. *
SARAH
We’re leaving.
His threatening glare burns into the back of her head. *
RYAN *
We can’t leave. *
She forces the printed article into his hand. *
SARAH
How could you let us move into this
house?
Ryan doesn’t look at it and screws it up with her back *
turned. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 55.


RYAN
Where do you expect us to go?
SARAH
A motel, rent somewhere...anywhere
but here. This house is somehow
connected to all those missing
children and it’s doing something *
to May, I know it. *
RYAN *
Let me fix you a drink. *
SARAH *
I don’t want a goddamn drink! I *
want to get out of here. *
Ryan’s foreboding stroll towards her makes her take note. *
RYAN *
We leave now, we are ruined. *
SARAH *
I don’t care! *
Ryan tries to calm her. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
Don’t touch me. The way you spoke *
to me yesterday, I didn’t deserve *
that. *
RYAN *
I wasn’t feeling myself. I lashed *
out and I apologize, but we can’t *
leave here, Sarah. *
Sarah stands and stares longingly out of the window. *
SARAH *
I didn’t know it before but now I *
do...I lived here, Ryan. This is *
where my family lived and I think *
something evil killed them. I keep *
having these flashes of memories, *
they’re all mixed up but there is *
evil here and it wants our *
children. *
RYAN *
(Unmoved) *
Like a ghost? You think a ghost can *
hurt us? *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 56.


Sarah shoots him a knowing glance. *
SARAH *
Maybe not a ghost, but something is *
here and I’m scared. *
RYAN *
Try and calm. I believe you. I’ll *
make some calls. But you need to *
take a nap because you look *
exhausted. When you wake up, we’ll *
be on our way... *
Sarah’s agitation simmers but she’s still not happy.
RYAN (CONT’D)
Can you do that?

She reluctantly nods.

RYAN (CONT’D)
I’ll fix you a drink, and I’ll some *
food to go. *
Staring into her eyes... *
RYAN (CONT’D) *
Such beautiful eyes. *
He cracks a smile and leaves. Sarah drops defeated onto the *
bed. Her longing gaze out of the window seems to last for *
eternity. *
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary In a tense standoff, Sarah uncovers her house's dark history linked to missing children, prompting her urgent desire to leave for the safety of her family, especially their child, May. Ryan, skeptical of her fears, tries to calm her and persuade her to stay, leading to an emotional conflict. As Sarah packs frantically and expresses her dread, Ryan downplays the danger, resulting in an unresolved struggle between them. The scene concludes with Sarah feeling defeated, gazing out the window, reflecting her internal turmoil.
Strengths
  • Building suspense
  • Revealing crucial information
  • Creating tension between characters
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and tension, revealing crucial information about the house's history and the characters' internal conflicts.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a haunted house with a dark past and the characters' struggle to come to terms with it is engaging and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the revelation of the house's history and the characters' decision to confront the supernatural forces within.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the haunted house trope by blending historical elements with modern family drama. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the supernatural storyline.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' emotions and motivations are well portrayed, especially Sarah's fear and determination, and Ryan's skepticism and concern.

Character Changes: 7

Sarah shows a shift from fear to determination, while Ryan's skepticism is challenged by the revelations, leading to some character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Sarah's internal goal in this scene is to protect her family from the evil forces she believes are connected to their house. This reflects her deeper fear of losing her loved ones and her desire to uncover the truth about the dark history of the house.

External Goal: 7

Sarah's external goal in this scene is to convince her husband, Ryan, to leave the house and protect their children from the perceived danger. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a skeptical partner and finding a safe place for their family.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Sarah's fear and Ryan's skepticism, as well as the supernatural threats in the house, create a high level of tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Sarah facing resistance from her husband, Ryan, as she tries to convince him to leave the house. The audience is left unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters face supernatural threats and must confront the dark history of the house to protect their family.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the house's history and the characters' decisions to confront the supernatural forces.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between Sarah and Ryan, the revelation of dark secrets about the house, and the supernatural elements that add an element of uncertainty to the story.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Sarah's belief in the supernatural threat and Ryan's skepticism. This challenges Sarah's values of protecting her family and seeking the truth against Ryan's rationality and desire to maintain stability.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, confusion, and determination in the characters, as well as in the audience, creating a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' conflicting emotions and the escalating tension between Sarah and Ryan.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its combination of mystery, suspense, and emotional conflict between the characters. The stakes are high, and the reader is invested in Sarah's quest for the truth.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the reader engaged with the unfolding mystery and emotional conflicts between the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene effectively conveys the visual and emotional elements of the story, enhancing the reader's engagement with the narrative.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful thriller genre, building tension through a series of escalating conflicts and revelations.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through Sarah's frantic research and her confrontation with Ryan, showcasing her desperation and the escalating stakes. However, the pacing could be improved; the transition from her research to the confrontation feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the flow and maintain suspense.
  • Ryan's character is portrayed as increasingly antagonistic, which is effective in creating conflict. However, his motivations could be clearer. Why is he so resistant to leaving? Adding a line or two that hints at his attachment to the house or a fear of financial ruin could deepen his character and make his stance more relatable.
  • The dialogue is generally strong, but some lines feel a bit on-the-nose, particularly when Sarah states, 'I think something evil killed them.' This could be more subtly implied through her emotional state and reactions rather than explicitly stated, allowing the audience to infer the horror.
  • The visual elements, such as the printed article and the comparison to the rose window, are compelling and serve to ground the supernatural elements in a tangible reality. However, consider adding more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere—what does the house feel like? Are there unsettling sounds or smells that contribute to Sarah's anxiety?
  • The emotional stakes are high, but the scene could benefit from a moment of vulnerability from Ryan. A brief flash of fear or doubt could humanize him and create a more complex dynamic between him and Sarah, making the audience more invested in their relationship.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment where Sarah reflects on her past in the house before confronting Ryan, which could serve as a more emotional lead-in to her urgency to leave.
  • Incorporate more physicality in the confrontation between Sarah and Ryan. For example, as Ryan approaches her, Sarah could back away, emphasizing her fear and the power dynamics at play.
  • Introduce a ticking clock element—perhaps a specific time they need to leave by or a deadline related to May's condition—to heighten the urgency of Sarah's plea to leave.
  • Explore Ryan's perspective more deeply. Perhaps he has a personal connection to the house that he reveals in a moment of vulnerability, which could add depth to his character and the conflict.
  • End the scene with a stronger visual or auditory cue that reinforces the house's sinister nature, such as a sudden noise or a flickering light, leaving the audience with a lingering sense of dread.



Scene 22 -  Descent into Darkness
INT. KITCHEN - SAME *
Ryan hums a lullaby, waiting for the kettle to boil. As steam *
rises, he smiles, lowering his face over it. Casually, he
breaks up some pills and stirs them into Sarah's hot drink.

INT. MASTER BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER *
Sarah stares blankly out the window.

RYAN (O.S.) *
Sarah...Sarah? *
She snaps out of it, seeing Ryan holding a mug. *
RYAN (CONT’D) *
This will make you feel better. *
I’ll go get that breakfast started, *
then finish the packing. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 57.


Whistling as he leaves, he scoops up the laptop, leaving *
Sarah to enjoy her drink. *

INT. FOYER - MOMENTS LATER *
Ryan whistles as he takes the axe off the wall and exits. *

EXT. COLONIAL HOUSE. WOODSHED - MOMENTS LATER *
Ryan saunters to the woodshed, throwing the laptop and both *
cellphones on the ground. Without hesitation, he smashes them
with the axe. *

EXT. COLONIAL HOUSE. CAR - MOMENTS LATER *
Humming, Ryan flips up the car’s hood, rips out the battery, *
and hacks at the engine with the axe. He tosses the parts
into the trash before whistling his way back inside, axe
slung over his shoulder.

INT. COLONIAL HOUSE - CONTINUOUS *
A smug Ryan pauses at the base of the stairs. *
RYAN *
Kids, breakfast. *
He hums, heading into the kitchen. *

INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT *
Sarah jolts awake, knocking items off the nightstand. *
Flickering tea candles surround the bed. *
SARAH *
Ryan? *
Dizzy, she spots a small, frayed, sinister bag on the duvet. *
Inside, blackened teeth gleam as maggots squirm at the
bottom. She recoils in horror, tossing it aside. Jason’s
terrified screams echo downstairs. *

INT. FOYER - MOMENTS LATER *
Sarah frantically searches before hearing banging coming from *
the basement door. She pries it open, and Jason tumbles out, *
petrified. *
Pink Rev. (08/21/24) 58.


JASON *
There’s something wrong with May! *
SARAH *
Where is she? *
JASON *
Down there. *
Without hesitation, Sarah rushes to the basement, Jason close *
behind.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary In a chilling scene, Ryan prepares a drugged drink for Sarah while secretly destroying their belongings, revealing his sinister intentions. Sarah, in a vulnerable state, is haunted by a nightmare and is jolted into action when her terrified son Jason emerges from the basement, warning her that something is wrong with May. The tension escalates as Sarah, driven by fear and urgency, rushes to the basement with Jason, leaving the unsettling atmosphere of their home behind.
Strengths
  • Effective use of suspense and tension
  • Intriguing mystery elements
  • Compelling plot development
  • Emotional impact on the audience
Weaknesses
  • Character development could be more nuanced
  • Dialogue could be more impactful in certain moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through a series of unsettling events and reveals, keeping the audience engaged and on edge. The mix of horror and mystery elements creates a compelling atmosphere of fear and intrigue.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a family uncovering dark secrets and facing supernatural threats in their own home is intriguing and well-executed. The use of the Dybbuk box as a central element adds depth to the story and enhances the sense of mystery and danger.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with a series of escalating events that keep the audience hooked and eager to uncover the mysteries surrounding the family and the sinister occurrences in their home. The pacing is effective in building tension and suspense.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its portrayal of domestic violence and betrayal within a seemingly normal family setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined and react realistically to the unfolding events, adding depth to the narrative. However, there could be more exploration of their internal struggles and motivations to enhance the emotional impact of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

There are subtle changes in the characters' perceptions and behaviors as they confront the dark secrets and supernatural threats, adding complexity to their arcs. However, more significant character development could enhance the impact of the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to control and manipulate his wife, Sarah, by drugging her and destroying their belongings. This reflects his deeper need for power and control over his environment and relationships.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to create chaos and fear within the family, as evidenced by his destructive actions towards their belongings.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, from the characters' personal struggles to the supernatural threats they face. The escalating tension and sense of danger create a high level of conflict that drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the protagonist's actions create obstacles and challenges for the other characters, leading to moments of conflict and suspense.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing supernatural threats, dark secrets from the past, and internal conflicts that could have dire consequences. The sense of danger and urgency adds tension and keeps the audience on edge.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, revealing key information, escalating the conflict, and setting up future events. The revelations and discoveries propel the narrative and keep the audience invested in the unfolding mystery.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden, shocking actions of the protagonist, which subvert the audience's expectations and create a sense of suspense and unease.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between trust and betrayal, as Sarah is unaware of Ryan's true intentions and is ultimately betrayed by him.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and anxiety to shock and dread, keeping the audience emotionally engaged. The characters' struggles and the supernatural elements add depth to the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and drives the plot forward. There are moments of tension and conflict that add to the overall atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines moments of quiet tension with sudden, shocking reveals, keeping the audience on edge and invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense through a series of escalating actions and reveals.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and concise action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively building tension and suspense through a series of escalating actions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by juxtaposing Ryan's seemingly benign actions with the sinister undertones of his behavior. The humming of a lullaby contrasts sharply with the violent actions that follow, creating a sense of dread that permeates the scene.
  • Ryan's character is portrayed as increasingly unhinged, which is compelling. However, the transition from a caring husband preparing a drink to a man destroying their electronics could benefit from more subtlety. The abrupt shift may confuse the audience about his motivations and mental state.
  • The use of visual elements, such as the sinister bag with blackened teeth and maggots, is effective in heightening horror. However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience further. Describing the sounds, smells, or even the atmosphere in the kitchen could enhance the tension.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition from Ryan's actions to Sarah's awakening feels a bit rushed. A moment of stillness or a brief reflection from Sarah could heighten the emotional impact of her horror upon discovering the bag.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works well in this context, but adding a line or two from Sarah before she sees the bag could provide insight into her mental state. This would help the audience connect with her fear and confusion more deeply.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment where Ryan's demeanor shifts subtly before he begins destroying the electronics. This could foreshadow his violent actions and create a more gradual build-up to the tension.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere. Describe the sounds of the kettle boiling, the smell of the drink, or the oppressive silence in the house to create a more immersive experience.
  • Include a moment of reflection for Sarah after she sees the bag. This could be a brief internal monologue or a physical reaction that conveys her horror and confusion, allowing the audience to feel her emotional turmoil.
  • Explore the use of contrasting imagery more deeply. For example, while Ryan is humming a lullaby, consider showing Sarah's internal struggle through her expressions or body language, emphasizing her growing unease.
  • Consider adding a line of dialogue from Sarah before she discovers the bag, expressing her concerns or fears about Ryan or the house. This would help establish her emotional state and make her reaction to the bag more impactful.



Scene 23 -  Trapped in Darkness
INT. BASEMENT - CONTINUOUS *
May sits cross-legged on the stone slab, trance-like, *
furiously drawing with a black crayon tied with a red ribbon.
Spit trickles from her clenched teeth as she scribbles
disturbing images.
SARAH
May, stop!
No response. Sarah reaches to help but her arm freezes as if
held back.
SARAH (CONT’D) *
Jason, help me! *
Jason yanks the paper away, but May continues drawing on the *
slab.

Sarah manages to move and calmly puts her face against May’s. *
SARAH (CONT’D)
May...it’s mommy.

The drawing slows.

SARAH (CONT’D)
I got you. Don’t be scared.
The drawing stops. May’s face softens and her eyes re-focus *
on Sarah.

MAY
Mommy. *
She throws herself into Sarah’s arms. Sarah exchanges a *
worried look with a freaked-out Jason.

SARAH *
What are you doing down here? *
Where’s your dad? *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 59.


JASON *
I’ve no idea. He told us to come *
down here and then locked us in. *
SARAH *
Where did he go? *
JASON *
He didn’t say a word and just left. *
SARAH *
He must have said something! *
JASON *
I’m telling the truth! *
SARAH *
If you did this as a joke, I will *
never forgive you. *
Desperately hurt... *
JASON *
...I didn’t do anything. *
SARAH *
I don’t believe you. *
JASON *
This is such bullshit. *
Sarah rears up. *
SARAH *
Yeah, well I’m sick of your *
bullshit. *
Jason storms away to his room. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
Get back here, we need to take May *
to the doctor. *
JASON (O.S.) *
I don’t care! Go without me. *
SARAH *
Fine! *
Sarah comforts a disoriented May and examines the crayon with *
the red ribbon. Her eyes shift to the drawings. They tell a
story—from the family’s arrival at the house to dark images
of the Entity and Preacher Man, standing in front of the rose
window, holding a locket.
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 60.


Not wanting to her dismay, Sarah hugs May and looks at the *
picture with the locket, touching her neck where hers used to *
be.
SARAH (CONT’D) *
Come on, sweetie. *
Sarah helps May out of the house. *
Genres: ["Horror","Psychological Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary In a dimly lit basement, May is found in a trance, drawing disturbing images with a black crayon. Sarah attempts to connect with her sister, while Jason intervenes, leading to a heated argument between him and Sarah about their father's mysterious actions. As tensions rise, Sarah calms May and discovers their father has locked them in without explanation. The scene culminates with Sarah deciding to take May to the doctor, highlighting the urgency of their situation.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Innovative storytelling with drawings
  • Revelation of dark family secrets
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel repetitive
  • May's sudden outburst could be further developed for clarity

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery, keeping the audience engaged with its disturbing and anxious tone. The emotional impact is strong, and the revelation of dark family secrets adds depth to the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring family trauma, supernatural entities, and hidden secrets is well-executed in the scene. The use of drawings as a storytelling device adds a unique and innovative element to the narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricately woven with elements of horror, mystery, and psychological thriller, keeping the audience on edge. The revelation of dark family secrets and the escalating conflict between the characters drive the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a blend of family drama and supernatural elements, creating a unique and intriguing narrative. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the overall mystery of the story.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, each dealing with their own fears and past traumas. The emotional depth and conflicts between them add layers to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience emotional shifts and confront their past traumas, leading to some character development. Sarah's determination and May's revelation of the malevolent entity show significant changes in their behavior.

Internal Goal: 8

May's internal goal is to feel safe and loved, as evidenced by her reaction to her mother's presence and comfort. This reflects her deeper need for security and reassurance.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to figure out what happened to her father and ensure her family's safety. This reflects the immediate challenge of the mysterious disappearance and potential danger they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters, the supernatural entities, and the revelation of dark family secrets creates a high level of tension and suspense in the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations and emotions between the characters creating obstacles and challenges that drive the conflict forward.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are present in the scene as the characters confront supernatural entities, dark family secrets, and the safety of their loved ones. The tension and suspense are heightened by the risks involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing dark family secrets, escalating conflicts between the characters, and introducing supernatural elements. It sets the stage for further developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' actions and dialogue, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between trust and suspicion evident in this scene. Sarah's distrust of Jason challenges her beliefs about her family and tests her ability to trust others.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, confusion, and determination in the characters and the audience. The emotional impact is crucial in driving the narrative forward and engaging the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension, fear, and confusion felt by the characters. It adds to the overall atmosphere of the scene and reveals important information about the characters' past.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, mysterious elements, and dynamic character interactions. The audience is drawn into the unfolding drama and invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a balance of slower emotional moments and faster-paced dialogue exchanges. It keeps the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding drama.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and plot progression. It effectively builds tension and sets up future conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and urgency, showcasing Sarah's desperation to connect with May and understand the situation. However, the dialogue between Sarah and Jason feels somewhat repetitive and could benefit from more variation to enhance the emotional stakes.
  • The use of the crayon tied with a red ribbon is a strong visual element that symbolizes both innocence and danger. However, the drawings themselves could be described in more detail to give the audience a clearer understanding of their significance and the horror they represent.
  • The conflict between Sarah and Jason escalates quickly, but the emotional weight of their argument could be deepened. Instead of resorting to name-calling, consider incorporating more nuanced dialogue that reflects their fear and frustration, allowing the audience to empathize with both characters.
  • The transition from May's trance-like state to her recognition of Sarah is well-executed, but the pacing could be improved. The moment where May throws herself into Sarah's arms feels rushed; allowing for a brief pause could heighten the emotional impact of their reunion.
  • The scene ends with Sarah examining the drawings, which is a strong visual cue for the audience. However, it might be beneficial to include a line of internal monologue or a brief reflection from Sarah that conveys her horror and determination, adding depth to her character's emotional journey.
Suggestions
  • Consider varying the dialogue between Sarah and Jason to avoid repetition and enhance emotional depth. For example, instead of 'I don’t believe you,' Sarah could express her concern in a way that acknowledges Jason's feelings while still conveying her urgency.
  • Add more descriptive details about the drawings May creates. This could include specific imagery that reflects the family's history and the malevolent forces at play, allowing the audience to grasp the gravity of the situation.
  • Incorporate a moment of silence or stillness after May recognizes Sarah, allowing the audience to absorb the emotional weight of their reunion before moving on to the next conflict.
  • Explore the emotional dynamics between Sarah and Jason further. Instead of a quick escalation to anger, consider showing their shared fear and confusion, which could lead to a more impactful confrontation.
  • Include a brief internal monologue or reflection from Sarah as she examines the drawings, which could provide insight into her thoughts and feelings, enhancing the audience's connection to her character.



Scene 24 -  Confrontation with the Preacher Man
INT. CAR - MOMENTS LATER *
Sarah fastens May in and attempts to turn the engine but *
nothing happens. She attempts again, but she isn’t going *
anywhere. *
She smashes the wheel in frustration. *
SARAH *
Goddammit! *
As she looks down the drive, the lone malignant figure of the *
Preacher Man stands watching them. *
MAY *
(Excited) *
See, I told you he was real. *
May waves, but his intense shadowy gaze sends chills through *
Sarah. Throwing them a menacing wave back, his croaked smile *
reveals a set of repulsive blackened teeth. *
THE PREACHER MAN *
Going somewhere? *
His cane with the red ribbon strikes the ground as he *
taps...taps...taps...towards the car, humming his lullaby. *
Sarah’s expression reeks of fear. *
SARAH *
We need to get back in the house. *
MAY *
(Scared) *
Why? *
SARAH *
Back to the house...now! *
Not taking her eyes off him, Sarah helps May back towards the *
house and hushes her inside. *
Without breaking a stride. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 61.


THE PREACHER MAN *
She has such a beautiful eyes. *
The hairs on the back of her neck stand on end on seeing his *
dry wiry hair. *
SARAH *
I want you off my property! *
The Preacher Man continues to tap...tap...tap...closer. *
THE PREACHER MAN *
This is my house... *
SARAH *
Do you want me to get my husband? *
THE PREACHER MAN *
(Sniggering) *
He isn’t your husband anymore. *
SARAH *
(Angry) *
Get the hell off my property before *
I call the cops. *
THE PREACHER MAN *
They’ll never find you in *
time...like they didn’t find, Emma. *
Can you still hear her scream? *
He provocatively dangles the locket, relishing Sarah’s *
dismay. *
THE PREACHER MAN (CONT’D) *
When I have your children in here, *
they’ll scream too. *
SARAH *
(Frantic) *
I’m calling the police. *
But she doesn’t have her cell. Backing into the house, she *
slams the door and bolts it. *
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary In a tense scene, Sarah struggles to start her car with May, only to be confronted by the menacing Preacher Man, who taunts her about her children and a past incident involving someone named Emma. While May is initially excited by his presence, Sarah's fear escalates, prompting her to attempt to call the police, only to realize she has no phone. Feeling threatened, she retreats into the house, slamming and bolting the door behind her as the Preacher Man looms ominously outside.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Creating a sense of dread
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Possible need for more clarity on the backstory and motivations of the Preacher Man

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through the menacing presence of the Preacher Man and the high stakes involved in protecting Sarah's children. The dialogue and actions of the characters create a sense of urgency and danger, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a malevolent entity, the Preacher Man, haunting the family and threatening their safety is intriguing and adds depth to the story. The scene effectively introduces this concept and sets up future conflicts.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly in this scene as the threat of the Preacher Man becomes more pronounced, leading to a confrontation between Sarah and this mysterious figure. The stakes are raised, and the tension is heightened, driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the trope of a menacing stranger intruding on a character's home, adding supernatural elements and a sense of impending danger. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Sarah and the Preacher Man, are well-developed in this scene. Sarah's fear and determination to protect her children are palpable, while the Preacher Man's menacing presence adds a sense of dread and mystery to the story.

Character Changes: 8

Sarah undergoes a significant change in this scene, from fear and confusion to determination and resolve in protecting her children. The encounter with the Preacher Man forces her to confront her past traumas and face the present danger head-on.

Internal Goal: 8

Sarah's internal goal is to protect her daughter and herself from the threatening presence of the Preacher Man. This reflects her deeper need for safety and security.

External Goal: 7

Sarah's external goal is to get the Preacher Man off her property and ensure the safety of her family. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, with Sarah facing off against the menacing Preacher Man and trying to protect her children from his threats. The high stakes and sense of danger create a gripping and suspenseful atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the Preacher Man posing a significant threat to Sarah and her family, creating a sense of danger and urgency.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with Sarah's children in danger from the malevolent Preacher Man. The threat to their safety and the ominous presence of this figure raise the tension and create a sense of urgency in the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new threat in the form of the Preacher Man and escalating the conflict faced by Sarah and her family. The revelation of past traumas and the increasing danger set the stage for future developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics between Sarah and the Preacher Man, keeping the audience on edge about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is evident in the Preacher Man's twisted sense of ownership and control over the property and Sarah's defiance and protection of her family. This challenges Sarah's beliefs in safety and autonomy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, anxiety, and dread, particularly in Sarah's desperate attempts to protect her children from the malevolent Preacher Man. The high stakes and tense atmosphere heighten the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and fear present in the scene, with the Preacher Man's taunts and threats adding to the sense of danger. Sarah's responses showcase her strength and resolve in the face of adversity.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, suspenseful atmosphere, and the dynamic interaction between Sarah and the Preacher Man.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic confrontation that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected format for a suspenseful thriller genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-paced structure that builds tension and suspense effectively, leading to a climactic confrontation between Sarah and the Preacher Man.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the interaction between Sarah and the Preacher Man, utilizing dialogue and visual cues to create a sense of dread. However, the stakes could be heightened further by deepening Sarah's emotional turmoil. For instance, incorporating her internal thoughts or flashbacks to her past experiences with the Preacher Man could enhance the audience's understanding of her fear.
  • The dialogue is impactful, particularly the Preacher Man's taunts, which reveal his sinister nature. However, some lines could be more concise to maintain the pacing. For example, instead of 'Do you want me to get my husband?', Sarah could say, 'I’ll get my husband!' to convey urgency without losing clarity.
  • The physical actions, such as Sarah smashing the wheel in frustration, are effective in conveying her desperation. However, consider adding more sensory details to immerse the audience further. Describing the sound of the engine failing or the feel of the steering wheel could enhance the scene's tension.
  • May's character is portrayed as both innocent and aware, which is intriguing. However, her excitement about the Preacher Man feels slightly out of place given the context. It might be more effective if her reaction were more fearful or confused, aligning with Sarah's panic and emphasizing the danger they are in.
  • The Preacher Man's dialogue is chilling, but his motivations could be clearer. While he taunts Sarah about Emma, it might be beneficial to hint at his intentions regarding May. This would create a more immediate sense of danger and urgency for Sarah's actions.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding internal monologue for Sarah to express her fears and memories related to the Preacher Man, which would deepen her character and heighten the emotional stakes.
  • Streamline some of the dialogue for clarity and urgency, ensuring that each line propels the scene forward without unnecessary repetition.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere, such as the sounds of the car engine or the oppressive silence of the surroundings, to create a more immersive experience.
  • Reassess May's reaction to the Preacher Man; consider making her more fearful or confused to align her character with the overall tension of the scene.
  • Clarify the Preacher Man's motivations regarding May to increase the sense of danger and urgency, perhaps by hinting at a specific threat he poses to her.



Scene 25 -  Haunting Shadows
INT. COLONIAL HOUSE - CONTINUOUS *
Sarah frantically locks every door and draws the blinds, *
plunging the house into darkness. May huddles on the living
room sofa, trembling. *
SARAH *
Ryan! Where are you? *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 62.


No answer. *
Rushing back to the foyer, she goes for the axe but it isn’t *
there. She peeks through the front door - he’s gone. Relief, *
but her distress is palpable. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
I’m going to look for your father. *
Stay here. *
She heads upstairs. *

INT. HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER *
At the top of the stairs, Sarah spots Ryan standing at the *
end of the hallway, staring out the rose window. *
SARAH *
Ryan, where the hell have you been? *
I needed you. *
Ryan remains unresponsive, lost in a trance. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
Ryan? We are leaving, right now. *
As Sarah approaches, she sees what Ryan is fixated on: *
CHILDREN draped in tattered cloth, eerily still, with candles
burning in their eye sockets, scattered around the front of
the property.

SARAH (CONT’D) *
Oh my god... *

INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME *
May, alone, scans the room nervously. She shuts her eyes *
tight, trying to reassure herself. *
MAY *
I’m a brave girl...I’m a brave *
girl... *
CHILD’S VOICE *
...May... *
May’s eyes snap open. *
MAY *
Hello? *
No response so she closes her eyes again. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 63.


MAY (CONT’D) *
(Whispering)
I’m a brave- *
CHILD’S VOICE *
-May... *
May’s eyes fly open to see a child covered in a white cloth, *
standing across the room. Two tea-light candles flicker where
the eyes should be.

MAY *
Jason? *
Rubbing her eyes, she re-focusses. *
MAY (CONT’D) *
Is that supposed to scare me? *
She approaches the motionless figure. *
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In a darkened colonial house, Sarah frantically secures the doors and blinds to protect her daughter May, who is trembling on the sofa. As Sarah searches for her missing husband Ryan, she finds him entranced by eerie figures outside. Meanwhile, May encounters a ghostly child in the living room, heightening the tension and dread. The scene culminates in May confronting the ghostly figure, leaving the audience in suspense about her fate.
Strengths
  • Eerie atmosphere
  • Suspenseful tension
  • Supernatural elements
  • Mysterious occurrences
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be too unsettling for sensitive viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through its eerie atmosphere, supernatural elements, and escalating conflict among the characters. The mix of horror and mystery genres keeps the audience engaged and on edge, making it a compelling and impactful scene.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a haunted house with supernatural occurrences, ghostly children, and a malevolent presence is well-executed in the scene. The introduction of mysterious voices, eerie visions, and escalating tension adds depth and intrigue to the storyline, keeping the audience captivated.

Plot: 9

The plot unfolds with a series of unsettling events, escalating tension, and mysterious occurrences that drive the narrative forward. The introduction of supernatural elements, ghostly children, and a malevolent presence adds layers of complexity and intrigue to the storyline, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the haunted house genre by incorporating unique supernatural elements and creating a sense of unease and tension. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add to the authenticity of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions to the supernatural events, escalating tension, and mysterious occurrences add depth and complexity to the scene. Sarah's determination to protect her children, May's fear and confusion, and Ryan's mysterious behavior create a dynamic and engaging dynamic that drives the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes in the scene as they confront supernatural forces, escalating tension, and mysterious occurrences in the house. Sarah's determination to protect her children, May's fear and confusion, and Ryan's mysterious behavior add depth and complexity to their character arcs, driving the narrative forward.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect her family and confront the supernatural threat in the house. This reflects her deeper need for safety and security, as well as her fear of the unknown and her desire to keep her loved ones safe.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find her husband and ensure the safety of her family. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with the supernatural presence in the house.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is driven by the characters' fear, confusion, and escalating tension as they confront supernatural forces and mysterious occurrences in the house. The presence of ghostly children, eerie visions, and a malevolent entity heightens the stakes and keeps the audience on edge.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a supernatural threat that challenges her beliefs and values. The audience is left unsure of how she will overcome this obstacle.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters confront supernatural forces, escalating tension, and mysterious occurrences in the haunted house. The presence of ghostly children, eerie visions, and a malevolent entity raises the stakes and keeps the audience on edge, invested in the characters' fates.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward through its introduction of supernatural elements, escalating tension, and mysterious occurrences that drive the narrative towards a climactic resolution. The mix of horror, mystery, and thriller genres keeps the audience engaged and eager to uncover the secrets of the haunted house.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected supernatural elements and the mysterious events that unfold. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between the protagonist's rational worldview and the supernatural events she is witnessing. This challenges her beliefs and values, as she is forced to confront the existence of the paranormal.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience through its eerie atmosphere, supernatural elements, and escalating tension among the characters. The sense of fear, anxiety, and dread permeates the scene, creating a haunting and impactful experience for the viewers.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and motivations in the scene. The exchanges between Sarah, May, and the mysterious voices add to the tension and suspense, keeping the audience on edge and invested in the unfolding events.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, mysterious events, and compelling character interactions. The reader is drawn in by the sense of danger and the unknown.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the reader engaged and moving the story forward at a compelling pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, following the expected format for a supernatural thriller genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by showcasing Sarah's frantic actions as she locks the doors and draws the blinds, creating a palpable sense of urgency and fear. However, the transition from her frantic state to her search for Ryan could be more fluid. Consider adding a moment of hesitation or a brief internal conflict to emphasize her emotional turmoil before she decides to look for him.
  • The dialogue is straightforward and serves its purpose, but it could benefit from more subtext. For instance, Sarah's repeated calls for Ryan could reflect her growing desperation and fear for her family's safety. Adding a line that hints at her deeper fears or memories could enhance the emotional weight of her words.
  • The introduction of the children draped in cloth is a strong visual element that heightens the horror, but it might be more effective if Sarah's reaction to them is more visceral. Instead of just stating 'Oh my god...', consider having her physically recoil or exhibit a more intense emotional response to the sight, which would amplify the horror of the moment.
  • May's dialogue, while innocent, feels somewhat detached from the escalating tension of the scene. Her mantra of 'I’m a brave girl...' could be interspersed with more immediate reactions to the eerie atmosphere around her. This would create a stronger contrast between her innocence and the horror unfolding in the house.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the shift between Sarah's frantic search and May's calm yet eerie moment could be more pronounced. Consider using a visual or auditory cue to transition between the two perspectives, such as a sudden noise that draws Sarah's attention or a flickering light that hints at the supernatural presence.
Suggestions
  • Add a moment of internal conflict for Sarah before she decides to search for Ryan, perhaps reflecting on her fears or memories related to the house.
  • Enhance the subtext in Sarah's dialogue by incorporating hints of her deeper fears or memories, making her calls for Ryan more emotionally charged.
  • Make Sarah's reaction to the children more visceral; consider having her physically recoil or express horror in a more dramatic way.
  • Interweave May's dialogue with more immediate reactions to her surroundings, creating a stronger contrast between her innocence and the horror around her.
  • Use a visual or auditory cue to transition between Sarah's frantic search and May's calm moment, enhancing the pacing and tension of the scene.



Scene 26 -  Shadows of Doubt
INT. ROSE WINDOW - SAME *
Ryan’s catatonic gaze doesn’t shift but Sarah’s terror-filled *
expression stays transfixed outside. *
SARAH *
We need to get outta here, Ryan. *
No answer. *
The cloth-covered children begin to move towards the house. *
RYAN *
(Hushed) *
It’s nearly time. *
Sarah is too mesmerized to hear him. *

INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME *
May slowly walks towards the figure. The only movement coming *
from the two small flames behind the cloth. *
MAY *
Jason...I know it’s you. *
A non-plussed May stands in front of it. *
MAY (CONT’D) *
You can take it off now. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 64.


No reaction. She inquisitively looks at the two flames. *
MAY (CONT’D) *
How are you doing that? *
No response. *
MAY (CONT’D) *
Show me how you’re doing that. *
No response. *
MAY (CONT’D) *
Show me, Jason! *
She grabs the cloth and yanks it off. *
MAY (CONT’D) *
Boo! *
Nobody is under the cloth and it falls in a heap. *
Petrified, May can’t even scream. As she turns, she comes *
face to face with a CHILD with their eyes hollowed out and *
two burning candles in the socket. *
CHILD *
...May... *
May’s scream stays trapped in her throat as the shock is *
immense. *

INT. ROSE WINDOW - SAME *
Sarah watches the children stop and turn their attention up *
at her...startled, to clings to Ryan who doesn’t offer *
anything back. *
Looking for support... *
SARAH *
...What’s happening? *
She doesn’t get any. *
RYAN *
They’re gone. *
Sarah looks out, they’re gone. *
Finally, a scream from May sends Sarah running to help. Ryan *
however takes his time. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 65.


INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER *
Sarah rushes to May, who is sobbing over a cloth pile on the *
floor. Jason hurries down the stairs, followed by a
nonchalant Ryan. *
SARAH *
What happened? *
May clings to Sarah, nervously pointing to the cloth pile, *
revealing two used tea candles underneath. *
MAY *
(Whisper) *
We need to leave. *
May glances cautiously at Ryan, who menacingly rests his hand *
on Jason’s shoulder.
Sarah turns to Ryan, who smiles broadly before facing May
again.
SARAH *
(Hushed) *
We can’t leave yet. *
Ryan’s grip on Jason tightens, causing Jason to wince. *
RYAN *
Is everything alright over there? *
Sarah nods, trying to stay calm. *
SARAH *
(Hushed) *
We have to stay inside, okay? *
Jason squirms in discomfort. *
JASON *
Dad, that hurts. *
May’s fearful eyes meet Ryan’s. *
MAY *
(Whisper - to Sarah) *
I don’t think that’s, Daddy *
anymore. *
Ryan tightens his grip, causing Jason to yelp in pain. *
JASON *
What the hell, dad?! *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 66.


Sarah, now believing May, hides her concern. *
SARAH *
(Calm) *
You okay, Jas? *
Jason, rubbing his shoulder, looks at Ryan with suspicion. *
JASON *
Yeah. *
RYAN *
I’m getting a drink. *
Ryan strolls into the kitchen. *
Sarah huddles May and Jason to the bottom of the stairs. *
SARAH
(Hushed) *
Jas, go to your room with May, I’ll *
be up soon. Lock your door. *
She hands him his game. *
JASON
Okay, Mom. *
As Sarah nervously watches Ryan in the kitchen, Jason takes *
May’s hand.
JASON (CONT’D)
Are you okay?

MAY
I think so.

Silence.

JASON *
You don’t like it here either. *
May shakes her head. Seeing her upset, Jason’s brotherly *
instinct kicks in. He holds up his game.

JASON (CONT’D)
Do you want to play? *
May smiles and nods. They head to his bedroom together. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 67.
Genres: ["Horror","Psychological Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary In a tense and eerie scene, Sarah struggles to get Ryan's attention as ominous, cloth-covered children approach their home. May confronts a figure she believes to be Jason, only to uncover a chilling child with hollow eyes and burning candles. As the children vanish, Sarah rushes to comfort a distraught May, who realizes Ryan's menacing demeanor suggests he may no longer be their father. The scene culminates with Sarah instructing her children to retreat to their room, highlighting her protective instincts amidst the growing supernatural threat.
Strengths
  • Eerie atmosphere
  • Suspenseful pacing
  • Supernatural elements
  • Tension between characters
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • May's character development could be further explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds suspense and fear through its eerie atmosphere, supernatural elements, and escalating tension between the characters. The use of visual cues and dialogue creates a sense of dread and keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a haunted house, supernatural entities, and family secrets is well-executed in the scene. The introduction of mysterious children figures and candles adds a unique and chilling element to the story.

Plot: 9

The plot unfolds with a sense of mystery and tension, as the characters encounter supernatural phenomena and confront their fears. The escalating conflict and eerie encounters drive the story forward and keep the audience engaged.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique supernatural elements and creates a sense of mystery and suspense through its descriptions and dialogue. The characters' actions and reactions feel authentic and add to the tension of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions to the supernatural events and their internal conflicts add depth to the scene. Sarah's protective instincts, May's fear, Jason's suspicion, and Ryan's mysterious behavior create a dynamic interplay that heightens the tension.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes in their perceptions and behaviors as they confront the supernatural threats and family secrets. Sarah becomes more determined, May becomes more fearful, Jason becomes more suspicious, and Ryan's mysterious behavior deepens.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect their loved ones and navigate the supernatural threats they are facing. This reflects their deeper need for safety and security in the face of unknown dangers.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to survive the supernatural events unfolding around them and uncover the truth behind the mysterious occurrences. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is multi-layered, involving supernatural threats, family tensions, and internal struggles. The escalating tension between the characters and the eerie encounters create a sense of imminent danger and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing supernatural threats and internal conflicts that challenge their beliefs and values. The audience is left unsure of how the characters will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters face supernatural threats, family tensions, and the dark history of the house. The escalating conflict and eerie encounters raise the sense of danger and suspense, keeping the audience on edge.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing more about the supernatural forces at play, the characters' relationships and conflicts, and the dark history of the house. The escalating tension and eerie encounters drive the narrative towards a climax.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the supernatural elements and unexpected twists that keep the audience guessing about what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the nature of fear and the unknown. The protagonist must confront their fears and make difficult decisions to protect their loved ones, challenging their beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and dread in the audience, as the characters confront supernatural forces and their own fears. The emotional impact is heightened by the characters' reactions and the eerie atmosphere of the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and suspicions. The interactions between the characters reveal their relationships and internal conflicts, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, mysterious supernatural elements, and the characters' reactions to the unfolding events. The tension keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building suspense and tension gradually, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting that enhances the readability of the script.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful and supernatural genre, building tension and suspense through its pacing and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the juxtaposition of Sarah's terror and Ryan's eerie calmness. However, Ryan's dialogue could be more menacing to enhance the sense of dread. His line 'It's nearly time' feels vague and could benefit from more context or a clearer implication of what is about to happen.
  • May's interaction with the cloth-covered figure is a strong moment, but her dialogue lacks urgency. Phrases like 'Show me how you’re doing that' could be rephrased to reflect her growing fear rather than curiosity, which would heighten the tension.
  • The transition between Sarah's perspective and May's could be smoother. The abrupt shift from Sarah's panic to May's inquisitive nature feels disjointed. A more gradual transition could maintain the scene's momentum.
  • The reveal of the child with hollowed eyes is chilling, but the buildup could be more suspenseful. Consider adding more sensory details or internal thoughts from May to amplify the horror of the moment.
  • Ryan's character is portrayed as increasingly menacing, but the escalation of his behavior could be more pronounced. The tightening grip on Jason feels sudden; a gradual build-up to this moment would make it more impactful.
  • The dialogue between Sarah and her children is effective in conveying their fear, but it could be more dynamic. Adding more emotional weight to their exchanges would enhance the stakes and deepen the audience's investment in their safety.
Suggestions
  • Consider rewriting Ryan's dialogue to include more ominous undertones, perhaps hinting at a sinister plan or knowledge that he shouldn't have.
  • Revise May's lines to reflect a more urgent tone, emphasizing her fear rather than curiosity. For example, instead of asking 'How are you doing that?', she could exclaim, 'What is happening?!' to convey her panic.
  • Smooth the transition between Sarah's and May's perspectives by incorporating a brief moment of Sarah's internal thoughts as she watches May approach the figure, creating a sense of foreboding.
  • Enhance the reveal of the child with hollowed eyes by adding sensory details, such as the atmosphere growing colder or a faint whisper that May hears, building suspense before the reveal.
  • Gradually escalate Ryan's menacing behavior by including subtle hints of his transformation earlier in the scene, such as a slight twitch or an unsettling smile before he grips Jason tightly.
  • Make the dialogue between Sarah and her children more emotionally charged by incorporating their fears and concerns more explicitly, allowing the audience to feel the weight of the situation.



Scene 27 -  Confrontation in the Kitchen
INT. KITCHEN - SAME
Ryan pours out a glass of wine as a cautious Sarah secretly *
examines him. *
Without looking at her... *
RYAN *
...What? *
SARAH *
What? Those things outside, Ryan. *
What was that? *
RYAN
(Slightly agitated) *
They’re gone. *
Edging around the kitchen table, avoiding being close to *
Ryan. *
SARAH *
How is this not freaking you out? *
We need help. *
RYAN *
...Nobody can help you, Sarah. *
Sarah glares at him. *
SARAH *
Who even are you? *
RYAN
(Smirking) *
Your push-over husband or did you *
forget? *
SARAH *
(Offended) *
How dare you. Now is not the time *
to pick a fight when something or *
someone is coming for us! *
Ryan slams his glass down and strolls out. *
RYAN *
It’s already here, Sarah. *
Ryan disappears. Sarah hears the front door slam shut and *
runs after him... *
SARAH *
Ryan! *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 68.


Sarah peers through the blinds but can't see Ryan. *
Overwhelmed, she takes a deep breath, heads to the kitchen,
and pours herself a large glass of wine.
Noticing the kitchen knife, she pulls it out and catches
sight of the Dybbuk box by the door. It's as if an invisible
force is pulling her towards it.
She slams the knife down in frustration, then grabs the
Dybbuk box and drags it to the foyer. Finding the axe propped
against the front door, she takes it. *
Genres: ["Horror","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary In a tense kitchen scene, Sarah anxiously questions Ryan's calmness about mysterious events outside, leading to a heated argument that reveals their strained relationship. As Ryan dismisses her fears and leaves, Sarah feels abandoned and overwhelmed. She pours herself a glass of wine, contemplates the Dybbuk box, and ultimately decides to arm herself with an axe, symbolizing her shift from fear to determination to confront the looming threat.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Mysterious atmosphere
  • Character dynamics
  • Supernatural elements
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • May's character development could be further explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension, introduces intriguing elements, and keeps the audience engaged with its unsettling atmosphere and mysterious occurrences.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a haunted house, a malevolent entity, and a family's dark past is well-executed, creating a sense of dread and mystery. The introduction of the Dybbuk box adds a unique and chilling element to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot advances with the revelation of the sinister presence in the house, the characters' escalating fear, and the mysterious disappearance of Ryan. The scene sets up further conflict and suspense for the story.

Originality: 9

The level of originality in this scene is high, with unique situations and fresh approaches to familiar themes. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the scene, making it stand out from typical supernatural or suspenseful scenes.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' reactions to the supernatural events and their strained relationships add depth to the scene. Sarah's determination and fear, Ryan's mysterious behavior, and May's connection to the malevolent entity contribute to the tension.

Character Changes: 7

Sarah's determination and fear grow stronger, Ryan's mysterious behavior deepens, and May's connection to the malevolent entity becomes more pronounced, leading to character development and changes in the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to confront her fears and uncertainties, as well as to assert her own agency and strength in the face of danger. This reflects her deeper need for control and security, as well as her desire to protect herself and her loved ones.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to confront the supernatural threat that is looming over her and her husband. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing and the need to take action to protect themselves.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters, the supernatural entity, and the escalating tension within the family heighten the suspense and fear in the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a supernatural threat and conflicting motivations from other characters. The audience is unsure of how the conflict will be resolved, adding to the suspense and unpredictability of the scene.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes involve the characters' safety, their sanity, and the presence of a malevolent force that threatens their lives. The escalating tension and fear raise the stakes in the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing more about the haunted house, the malevolent entity, and the characters' relationships and fears. It sets up further conflict and suspense for the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the supernatural elements and the characters' conflicting motivations and actions. The audience is kept guessing about the true nature of the threat and the characters' fates, adding to the tension and suspense of the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between belief in traditional help or solutions and the protagonist's sense of isolation and fear. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the face of danger and uncertainty, as well as her worldview about the nature of reality and the supernatural.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, confusion, and determination in the characters, as well as in the audience. The emotional impact of the supernatural events and the characters' reactions adds depth to the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and conflicts. It adds to the atmosphere of tension and mystery in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense atmosphere, mysterious elements, and compelling character interactions. The dialogue and action keep the reader on edge, eager to see how the conflict will unfold and what will happen next.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense gradually, allowing the conflict to escalate and the characters' emotions to intensify. The rhythm of the scene keeps the reader engaged and invested in the outcome, leading to a satisfying payoff.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene, allowing the reader to easily follow the narrative flow.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear progression of events and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness, building tension and suspense as the narrative unfolds.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the conflict between Sarah and Ryan, showcasing their deteriorating relationship amidst the supernatural threat. However, the dialogue could be more dynamic; it feels somewhat one-note and lacks emotional depth. For instance, Ryan's responses could reflect more of his internal struggle or fear, rather than just dismissiveness.
  • The pacing of the scene is good, but it could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere. The kitchen setting is a crucial space for domesticity, and emphasizing its eeriness—perhaps through details like flickering lights or unsettling sounds—could heighten the tension.
  • Ryan's character feels somewhat flat in this scene. While he is agitated, there is little exploration of his emotional state. Adding layers to his character, such as hints of fear or confusion, could make his eventual departure more impactful.
  • The use of the Dybbuk box as a focal point is effective, but the transition from Sarah's confrontation with Ryan to her decision to grab the axe feels abrupt. A moment of hesitation or internal conflict could make her choice more compelling and relatable.
  • The dialogue could be more varied in tone. For example, Sarah's line 'How is this not freaking you out?' could be delivered with more urgency or desperation to reflect her fear. Additionally, Ryan's smirk feels out of place given the context; it might be more effective if he displayed a mix of fear and anger instead.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more sensory details to the scene, such as the sounds of the house settling or the smell of the wine, to create a more immersive atmosphere.
  • Explore Ryan's character further by incorporating internal conflict or fear in his dialogue. This could make his eventual departure feel more significant and tragic.
  • Introduce a moment of hesitation for Sarah before she grabs the axe, allowing the audience to feel her internal struggle and fear about taking such a drastic action.
  • Revise the dialogue to include more emotional variation, reflecting the characters' heightened states of fear and urgency. This could help to create a more engaging and dynamic exchange.
  • Consider using visual metaphors or symbolism related to the Dybbuk box throughout the scene to reinforce its significance and the impending danger it represents.



Scene 28 -  Descent into Chaos
EXT. COLONIAL HOUSE. WOODSHED - MOMENTS LATER *
Sarah yanks the box to the woodshed and prepares to destroy *
it. Raising the axe... *
JASON (O.S.) *
...Mom, stop!!! *
Jason’s voice snaps her back to reality. Instead of the *
Dybbuk box, she sees a terrified, filthy May on the ground. *
JASON (CONT’D) *
(Traumatized) *
What are you doing!? *
Sarah, in shock, lowers the axe. Jason scoops up May and *
rushes back inside.

SARAH *
(Confused)
...I...don’t...remember...May... *
She sees the destroyed laptop and cell phones. Dropping the *
axe, she runs after her children. Passing the car, she
doesn't notice Ryan sitting eerily still, staring into space. *

INT. COLONIAL HOUSE - CONTINUOUS *
The house plunges into darkness as Sarah opens the door. She *
tries the light switch, but it’s dead. The kitchen radio
blares a fire-and-brimstone sermon from the Preacher Man.

THE PREACHER MAN (O.S.) *
(On the radio) *
The time is near when the flames of *
hell will rise to claim what’s *
owed. You think your soul is safe? *
No, it’s already marked, already *
burning in the eyes of the damned. *
(MORE)
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 69.

THE PREACHER MAN (O.S.) (CONT'D)
They see you, waiting, gnashing *
their teeth, hungry for your sin- *
stained spirit. Look not upon the *
temptations of the flesh with *
longing eyes, for they are but *
snares laid by the devil himself to *
lead us astray! *
Sarah covers her ears as she darts towards the radio. The *
kitchen door slams in her face, knocking her to the ground. *
THE PREACHER MAN (O.S.) (CONT’D) *
(On the radio) *
The darkness knows your name, and *
it will come for you, dragging you *
down to the fiery pit where screams *
are the only prayer left. The *
devils are ready to tear the light *
from your eyes and feast on your *
despair. *
Silence... *
THE PREACHER MAN (O.S.) (CONT’D) *
(On the radio - sinister *
laughter) *
Your soul is already claimed, *
already destined for the inferno. *
The hour of reckoning is here, and *
the flames will take you, whether *
you scream or whether you beg. Your *
cries will only fuel the *
blaze...SARAH. *
Terror-stricken, Sarah scrambles to the stairs. The kitchen
door creaks open...TAP...TAP...TAP. Filthy, bony fingers
stroke a red ribbon on the cane. The Preacher Man’s rotten
teeth grind as he speaks.... *
THE PREACHER MAN (CONT’D) *
...Let...us...in! *
...Sarah's instinct to flee ignites. She spins and races *
upstairs towards her bedroom... *
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary In a moment of desperation, Sarah attempts to destroy the Dybbuk box but is interrupted by her son Jason, who reveals that his sister May is in danger. Overwhelmed by the chaos inside their home and the sinister sermon of a preacher on the radio, Sarah's fear escalates, prompting her to flee upstairs as the atmosphere darkens and the threat to her family looms.
Strengths
  • Eerie atmosphere
  • Tension-building
  • Revelation of dark family secrets
  • Supernatural elements
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Some character development could be further explored
  • Potential for more nuanced dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension, fear, and mystery, keeping the audience on edge with its eerie atmosphere and unsettling events.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a malevolent entity, the Preacher Man, haunting the characters and the house, along with the revelation of dark family secrets, creates a compelling and chilling narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot unfolds with a series of disturbing events that escalate the tension and mystery, leading to a sense of impending danger and a revelation of dark family history.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to supernatural horror, blending elements of religious imagery and psychological tension to create a unique and chilling atmosphere. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters' reactions to the supernatural events and their internal conflicts add depth to the scene, but there is room for further development and exploration of their motivations.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience fear, confusion, and a sense of impending danger, leading to some internal changes and revelations, but there is potential for further character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Sarah's internal goal in this scene is to understand what is happening and protect her children. This reflects her deeper need for safety and security, as well as her fear of the unknown and supernatural.

External Goal: 7

Sarah's external goal in this scene is to escape the threat of the Preacher Man and protect her family from harm. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the form of a supernatural entity.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters, the supernatural entities, and the dark family history creates a high level of tension and suspense, driving the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the threat of the Preacher Man and the supernatural forces creating a sense of danger and uncertainty that keeps the audience engaged and on edge.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters face supernatural threats, dark family secrets, and a sense of impending doom, putting their lives and sanity at risk.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing dark family secrets, escalating the supernatural threats, and deepening the mystery, setting the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists and turns, keeping the audience guessing about the true nature of the threat and the characters' fates.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between good and evil, sin and redemption, as represented by the Preacher Man's sermon and Sarah's instinct to flee. This challenges Sarah's beliefs and values, forcing her to confront her own fears and doubts.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, eliciting fear, suspense, and unease through its eerie atmosphere and chilling events.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' fear, confusion, and tension, enhancing the atmosphere of the scene and driving the plot forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it effectively builds suspense and tension, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats with its supernatural elements and psychological drama.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm of tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of terror and revelation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a horror genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue that enhance the atmosphere and mood.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a horror genre, building suspense and tension through a series of escalating events and dramatic revelations.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by juxtaposing Sarah's frantic attempt to destroy the Dybbuk box with the sudden appearance of her children, which creates a strong emotional conflict. However, the transition from her intent to destroy the box to her confusion about May's presence feels abrupt. This could be smoothed out with a more gradual realization of her children's danger, enhancing the emotional weight of her actions.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works well in heightening the tension, but it could benefit from a few more internal thoughts or reactions from Sarah to deepen her emotional state. For instance, a brief moment of reflection on her past actions or fears could add layers to her character and make her confusion more relatable.
  • The use of the Preacher Man's voice on the radio is a strong choice, amplifying the horror atmosphere. However, the transition from the radio sermon to Sarah's actions could be more seamless. Consider integrating her reactions to the sermon more directly into her physical actions, perhaps by having her pause or react to specific phrases that resonate with her current fears.
  • The visual imagery is compelling, particularly the description of the Preacher Man's fingers and the atmosphere of the house. However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience further. For example, describing the smell of decay or the oppressive silence before the radio blares could enhance the eerie setting.
  • The climax of the scene, where Sarah scrambles to the stairs, is effective in conveying her fear. However, the pacing could be improved by varying sentence lengths and using shorter, punchier sentences during moments of high tension to create a more frantic rhythm.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Sarah reflects on her past actions or fears before Jason interrupts her, which would deepen her emotional conflict and make her confusion more impactful.
  • Integrate Sarah's reactions to the Preacher Man's sermon more directly into her physical actions, perhaps by having her pause or react to specific phrases that resonate with her fears.
  • Enhance the sensory details in the scene to create a more immersive atmosphere, such as describing the smell of decay or the oppressive silence before the radio blares.
  • Vary the pacing of the scene by using shorter, punchier sentences during moments of high tension to create a more frantic rhythm, especially as Sarah flees upstairs.
  • Consider expanding on the moment when Sarah drops the axe to include a brief internal monologue that captures her emotional turmoil, which would help the audience connect with her character on a deeper level.



Scene 29 -  Echoes of the Past
INT. PURITAN CHURCH/NAVE - CONTINUOUS *
Instead of her bedroom, Sarah finds herself in the Nave of a *
17th-Century Puritan church. Sinister, cloth-covered children
from outside sit in the stalls. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 70.


Petrified, Sarah approaches one of the children and pulls off
the sheet and is hit with the fright of her life - it’s *
eight years old Sarah with burning yellow eyes. *
YOUNG SARAH *
Let us in. *
Sarah screams... *

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS *
...The noise of a trolly tipping over snaps Sarah out of her *
trance. She finds the kitchen knife semi-embedded in her arm,
blood flowing toward her untouched glass of wine.
A faint apparition of a young girl appears, trying to
communicate but with no discernible features.
SARAH *
...I...can’t hear you... *
The girl’s silent plea fades away before Sarah can *
understand.
SARAH (CONT’D) *
Wait...! *
But the girl is gone. Shaking, Sarah glances at the Dybbuk *
box and, in disbelief, she quickly heads upstairs. *

EXT. HALLWAY. JASON’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS *
The door is slightly ajar. An unnatural, malice giggle makes
Sarah looks towards the bed where she sees the back of
Jason’s head poking out from the covers. *
SARAH
...Jason? What’s so funny?
More eerie giggling.

SARAH (CONT’D)
Jason...I said what is so funny?
Jason?

About to enter when...

JASON (O.S.)
...What?
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 71.


Jason appears beside her in the hallway holding May’s hand. *
Alarmed, she flicks on the bedroom light, revealing an empty
bed. *
Jason and May stay by the door, watching Sarah pulls the *
covers off the bed. *
MAY *
We don’t like it in there. *
Confused, Sarah notices the closet door has a belt tied
around the handles and a chair wedged up against it.
SARAH
Jas, what’s with the belt and
chair?
JASON *
Don’t touch it! *
SARAH *
Why not? *
Jason fearfully shakes his head. *
JASON *
Just don’t. *
Near his bed, Sarah spots two unused tea candles and a music *
box winder that has been used to engrave the nine
intertwining square symbols on the side of the bed frame.
Not wanting to freak him out, she hides it in her pocket.
JASON (CONT’D) *
Can we stay with you tonight? *
Sarah stops and throws him a smile.

SARAH *
Of course, you can. *
MAY *
Where’s, Daddy? *
She lies... *
SARAH *
...He’s trying to fix the car, *
sweetie. *
She heads to the door and flicks off the light. The looming *
shadow of the Preacher Man clings to the corner of the wall,
his burning eyes set on her. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 72.


Sarah jumps out of her skin. Flicking the light back on, *
there’s nothing there.
JASON
What’s the matter? *
She trembles with fear and gathers herself.
SARAH
The light switch shocked me. In to *
my room, now. *
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary In a chilling scene, Sarah is transported from a 17th-Century Puritan church to her modern kitchen, where she discovers a knife in her arm and a ghostly apparition of her younger self. Shaken, she seeks comfort in her son Jason's room, only to find it filled with eerie giggles and a secured closet that Jason warns her against. Despite the danger, Sarah pockets a mysterious music box winder, feeling the oppressive presence of the Preacher Man. The scene culminates in a tense atmosphere of fear and uncertainty as Sarah struggles to protect her children while confronting her haunting past.
Strengths
  • Effective atmosphere building
  • Suspenseful pacing
  • Intriguing supernatural elements
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Character reactions could be further developed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension, fear, and mystery, keeping the audience on edge with its eerie and terrifying elements.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a Puritan church setting, sinister cloth-covered children, and a ghostly encounter adds depth and intrigue to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot unfolds with a series of unsettling events, escalating tension, and mysterious occurrences, driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh and original supernatural elements within a familiar setting, creating an authentic and immersive experience for the audience.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters react realistically to the supernatural events, adding to the sense of fear and confusion in the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters experience fear, confusion, and a sense of impending danger, leading to some internal changes in their perceptions.

Internal Goal: 8

Sarah's internal goal is to understand the mysterious occurrences happening around her and to protect herself and those she cares about from potential danger. This reflects her need for safety and security.

External Goal: 7

Sarah's external goal is to navigate the strange and threatening environment she finds herself in, uncovering the truth behind the supernatural events and protecting her loved ones.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters and the supernatural forces, as well as the internal conflicts they face, heightens the tension in the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with supernatural elements and mysterious characters creating obstacles for the protagonist to overcome.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes involve the characters' safety, sanity, and the revelation of dark family secrets, adding urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing more about the supernatural elements at play and deepening the mystery surrounding the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected supernatural occurrences and cryptic dialogue that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of fear, trust, and deception. Sarah is faced with supernatural occurrences that challenge her beliefs and force her to question the reality of her surroundings.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes fear, suspense, and unease, creating a strong emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' fear, confusion, and tension, enhancing the atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful pacing, mysterious dialogue, and supernatural elements that keep the audience on edge.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic reveal that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, effectively conveying the eerie atmosphere and supernatural elements.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic reveal.


Critique
  • The transition from the Puritan church to the kitchen is effective in creating a jarring shift in reality, enhancing the horror element. However, the abruptness could be smoothed out with a more gradual transition or a clearer connection between the two settings to maintain narrative flow.
  • The imagery of young Sarah with burning yellow eyes is striking and evokes a strong emotional response. However, the dialogue 'Let us in' feels somewhat clichéd and could be rephrased to enhance its impact and originality.
  • The physicality of Sarah's injury (the knife in her arm) is visceral and adds to the tension, but the scene could benefit from a deeper exploration of her emotional state. How does she feel about the injury? Is there a moment of panic or disbelief that could heighten the stakes?
  • The apparition of the young girl is intriguing but lacks clarity. Providing a hint of her identity or purpose could create a stronger connection for the audience, making the moment more poignant.
  • The dialogue between Sarah and her children is effective in conveying their fear, but it could be enriched with more subtext. For instance, instead of Sarah simply asking about the belt and chair, she could express her concern or fear about what they might be hiding from her.
  • The scene's pacing is generally good, but the buildup to the reveal of the Preacher Man's shadow could be more suspenseful. Consider adding more sensory details or internal thoughts from Sarah to amplify the tension before the reveal.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection for Sarah after she pulls the knife from her arm, allowing her to process the pain and fear before moving on to the next action.
  • Rework the dialogue of young Sarah to make it more unique and impactful. Perhaps she could say something that hints at the danger or urgency of the situation, rather than a simple request.
  • Enhance the apparition's presence by giving it a more distinct visual or auditory cue that ties it to Sarah's past, making it more memorable and significant.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to describe the atmosphere in Jason's room, such as the smell of fear or the sound of their breathing, to create a more immersive experience.
  • Consider using a more gradual reveal of the Preacher Man's shadow, perhaps through Sarah's increasing anxiety or the children's reactions, to build suspense before the reveal.



Scene 30 -  Whispers from the Attic
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS *
Sarah closes the door and hears a faint, tune coming from the
attic. *
SARAH *
Go get in my bed, I’ll be there in *
a minute. Stay together. *
Jason and May head into the master bedroom. Sarah watches *
them close the door, then quickly hurries into May’s room. *

INT. MAY’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS *
Sarah moves quietly, searching the room. Near the bed, she *
discovers two tea candles, a music box winder and engraved
strange symbols on the bed frame. Confused, she rushes out.

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS *
The music grows louder as Sarah approaches the attic. The *
door is already open.

INT. ATTIC - CONTINUOUS *
Sarah steps cautiously into the attic, shadows turning *
everyday objects into menacing shapes. As she searches, a
loose floorboard creaks beneath her. She lifts it, revealing
stained white sheets, burnt tea candles, and rusted pins.
Overwhelmed, she spins around to leave but spots two music
boxes near the door, both missing winders. She matches the
two winders to them.

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Sarah hurries back, unaware that the yellow-eyed Entity is
stalking her along the ceiling.
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 73.


INT. MASTER BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS *
She enters, pushing the door behind her. It stops *
unnaturally, then closes slowly by unseen hands. Jason and
May are already asleep. Sarah sits up in bed, gripping the
music boxes, and scans the room. Seeing nothing, she prepares
to stay awake.

INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT *
Sarah's eyes grow heavy. She glances at the music boxes on *
the nightstand before sleep overtakes her.
OVER BLACK *
The Preacher Man’s sinister voice whispers in the darkness. *
PREACHER MAN (O.S.) *
Shhh...Shhh...
Sarah's eyes snap open, but she can't move. Paralyzed by
sleep, she realizes the room has distorted — her childhood
bedroom now mirrors her current one. Across the way, her
younger self stares back, terrified, both frozen in place. *
Between them, the Dybbuk Box rises from the floor, its lid *
creaking open. *
PREACHER MAN (O.S.) (CONT’D) *
...Shhh...shhh.... *
The Preacher Man levitates out of the box, drifting between *
the split rooms before vanishing. Both versions of Sarah
tremble, their breaths syncing in terror. *
The Preacher Man reappears beside each bed, pointing to the *
ceiling beams where the Entity has June in his grip,
whispering menacingly in her ear. June jumps. Her neck SNAPS, *
as she is held aloft by an invisible force. A sliver of light *
catches her distorted and badly decomposed face.
The Entity creeps over to young Sarah and reaches inside her *
mouth, pulling its entire self inwards as she shudders and *
convulses. *
Present-day Sarah slams her eyes shut but when she opens *
them, young Sarah looms over her with her vicious yellow eyes *
holding the axe aloft. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 74.
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary In a dimly lit house, Sarah hears a haunting tune from the attic after sending Jason and May to bed. Investigating May's room, she finds strange items before confronting unsettling objects and music boxes in the attic. As she returns to the master bedroom, she is stalked by a yellow-eyed Entity. Once in bed, she falls into a paralyzing sleep, plagued by a terrifying vision of her younger self and the sinister Preacher Man, who threatens both her and June, culminating in a chilling confrontation.
Strengths
  • Effective use of suspense and tension
  • Compelling supernatural elements
  • Strong emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be too intense for sensitive viewers
  • Complexity of supernatural elements may require close attention to follow

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension, creates a sense of dread, and keeps the audience on edge with its terrifying and suspenseful elements. The combination of horror, mystery, and psychological thriller genres is executed well, making it a compelling and memorable scene.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a haunted house, supernatural entities, and a dark family history is intriguing and well-developed in the scene. The use of music boxes, symbols, and eerie visuals adds depth to the supernatural elements, enhancing the overall concept.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene, revealing more about the mysterious events in the house, the connection to the past, and the escalating danger faced by the characters. The introduction of the music boxes, the Entity, and the Preacher Man adds complexity to the plot.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique supernatural elements like the Dybbuk Box, the Entity, and the Preacher Man, creating a fresh approach to the horror genre. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions to the supernatural events, their fear, confusion, and determination to uncover the truth, are well-portrayed in the scene. Sarah's protective instincts, Jason's fear, and May's cryptic warnings add depth to the character dynamics.

Character Changes: 7

Sarah experiences a shift from confusion to determination, Jason from fear to bravery, and May from catatonia to cryptic warnings. These character changes add depth to the scene and set up further development in the story.

Internal Goal: 8

Sarah's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the mystery behind the strange symbols, music boxes, and supernatural occurrences in the house. This reflects her curiosity, fear, and desire to protect herself and her loved ones.

External Goal: 7.5

Sarah's external goal is to protect herself and her family from the supernatural threats in the house, including the Entity and the Preacher Man.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, with the characters facing supernatural threats, family secrets, and escalating danger. The tension between the characters, the presence of the Entity and the Preacher Man, and the sense of impending doom create a high level of conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Sarah facing supernatural threats that challenge her beliefs and put her and her family in danger.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters confront supernatural entities, family secrets, and escalating danger. The threat to their safety, sanity, and relationships raises the stakes and intensifies the sense of urgency and danger.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing more about the supernatural events, the characters' connections to the past, and the escalating danger they face. The introduction of new elements like the music boxes and the Preacher Man adds complexity to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected supernatural occurrences, the twist with the Preacher Man and the Entity, and the chilling revelation at the end.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of fear, family, and the unknown. Sarah is faced with supernatural forces that challenge her beliefs and understanding of reality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, terror, and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and on edge. The chilling atmosphere, the characters' vulnerability, and the supernatural elements contribute to the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and suspicions. The interactions between Sarah, Jason, and May reveal tension, mystery, and a sense of urgency, driving the narrative forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, mysterious elements, and the escalating tension as Sarah uncovers the supernatural threats in the house.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual reveal of the supernatural elements and a climactic encounter with the Entity.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a horror genre screenplay, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured progression from Sarah's discovery in May's room to the chilling encounter with the Entity in the attic, building tension effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the use of sound and visual elements, particularly with the faint tune from the attic and the ominous presence of the yellow-eyed Entity. However, the transition from Sarah's initial actions to her paralysis in the bedroom could be more fluid to enhance the sense of urgency and dread.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works well in a horror context, but adding a few more internal thoughts or whispered fears from Sarah could deepen the emotional connection with the audience. This would help convey her escalating anxiety as she navigates the house.
  • The imagery of the attic and the items Sarah discovers is strong, but the significance of the tea candles and engraved symbols could be more explicitly tied to the plot or character backstory. This would provide a clearer motivation for Sarah's actions and heighten the stakes.
  • The use of the Preacher Man's voice is effective in creating an eerie atmosphere, but it might benefit from a more distinct sound design or echo effect to differentiate it from other voices in the scene. This would enhance the supernatural element and make it more unsettling.
  • The climax of the scene, where Sarah's younger self appears, is visually striking but could be more impactful if the emotional stakes were clearer. Establishing a stronger connection between present-day Sarah and her younger self earlier in the script would make this moment resonate more deeply.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Sarah as she hears the music, reflecting her fears or memories associated with it. This could create a stronger emotional anchor for the audience.
  • Clarify the significance of the items Sarah finds in May's room and the attic. Perhaps include a flashback or a brief moment of realization that connects these objects to her past or the Dybbuk box.
  • Enhance the sound design for the Preacher Man's voice to make it more haunting and distinct, perhaps by layering it with echoes or distortions that reflect Sarah's mental state.
  • Make the transition from the attic to the master bedroom more seamless, perhaps by using a visual motif or sound that carries over, emphasizing the continuity of Sarah's fear.
  • Strengthen the emotional impact of the climax by foreshadowing the connection between present-day Sarah and her younger self earlier in the script, allowing the audience to feel the weight of this moment.



Scene 31 -  Whispers in the Dark
INT. MASTER BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Sarah jolts awake, gasping, half-dazed. Ryan holds her, his
grip too tight. *
SARAH *
I saw it...I...saw... *
Silence hangs in the air, punctuated only by her anguished
sobs. *
RYAN *
Shhh...Shhh... *
Ryan’s grip tightens. *
SARAH
Ryan? You’re hurting me!
The grip tightens.
SARAH (CONT’D)
Get off me!

Breaking free she spins to scold Ryan, but he isn’t there,
and neither is May. Only Jason remains asleep as she goes to
find them. *

INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS *
Sarah checks each room—empty. Ryan's eerie, monotone voice *
drifts from downstairs.

SARAH
Ryan?

At the top of the stairs, she sees Ryan standing still, axe
in hand, staring at something she can't see.

RYAN *
Where are you going? *
He turns and walks down the corridor. Sarah, fearing the *
worst, hurries after him.

Behind her, the master bedroom door creaks open. Jason,
sleepwalking, shuffles out and heads to his room. The door
opens by itself, and he enters as it silently closes and
locks.
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 75.


INT. FOYER - SAME *
Sarah catches a glimpse of Ryan disappearing into the *
basement. She races to the top of the basement stairs and
flips the light switch—nothing. Undeterred, she descends
into the darkness.
SARAH *
Ryan, talk to me... *
No answer. *

INT. JASON’S ROOM - SAME *
Jason stirs as his closet door handles turn with a slow *
creak. The belt holding them together loosens, and the door
slides open, pushing the chair away. *
MAY’S VOICE (O.S.) *
(From closet) *
Jason? *
Jason wakes, startled to be back in his room. *
MAY’S VOICE (O.S.) (CONT’D) *
(From closet) *
Jason... *
JASON *
May? *
Confused, he tries the bedroom door, but it's locked. From *
the closet:

MAY’S VOICE (O.S.) *
...Can I have this? *
JASON *
Have what? *
He steps closer. *
JASON (CONT’D) *
Have what? *
MAY’S VOICE (O.S.) *
(From closet) *
Let me show you. *
He steps closer. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 76.
Genres: ["Horror","Psychological Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary In a dimly lit house, Sarah wakes up in a panic, realizing Ryan's grip is hurting her. She breaks free and searches for him and May, only to find Ryan ominously holding an axe downstairs. Meanwhile, Jason sleepwalks into his room, where he hears May's voice coming from the closet, leading to confusion and fear. The scene is filled with tension as Sarah's frantic search and Jason's eerie encounter heighten the suspense, ending with Jason approaching the creaking closet door.
Strengths
  • Eerie atmosphere
  • Tension-building
  • Supernatural elements
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be confusing without context
  • Complexity of supernatural elements may require further explanation

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through its eerie atmosphere, supernatural elements, and emotional turmoil. The combination of horror, psychological thriller, and mystery genres creates a compelling and engaging narrative that keeps the audience on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a haunted house, family trauma, and supernatural entities is well-executed in the scene. The blending of psychological elements with supernatural occurrences adds depth to the story and creates a sense of unease and mystery.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene, revealing more about the characters' past traumas, the mysterious events in the house, and the escalating conflict between the family members. The introduction of the Entity, the Preacher Man, and the supernatural elements adds layers to the narrative and raises the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate, with familiar elements of suspense and supernatural occurrences. However, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a fresh perspective to the genre.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' emotions, fears, and relationships are well-developed in this scene. Sarah's desperation to protect her children, Ryan's mysterious behavior, and May's connection to the supernatural all contribute to the tension and conflict within the family. The characters' reactions to the unfolding events add depth to the story.

Character Changes: 8

Sarah experiences a significant emotional journey in the scene, from fear and confusion to determination and protectiveness towards her children. Ryan's mysterious behavior and May's connection to the supernatural also hint at deeper character arcs and changes to come. The characters' reactions to the escalating events foreshadow further development and growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Sarah's internal goal in this scene is to understand and confront the mysterious and threatening events happening in her home. This reflects her deeper need for safety and security, as well as her fear of the unknown.

External Goal: 7

Sarah's external goal in this scene is to find and rescue her family members who seem to be in danger or under some kind of influence. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges she's facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving supernatural entities, family dynamics, past traumas, and escalating tensions between the characters. The presence of the Entity, the Preacher Man, and the mysterious events in the house heighten the conflict and create a sense of danger and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, with mysterious forces and unknown threats creating obstacles for the characters. The audience is left unsure of how the characters will overcome these challenges.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes in the scene are high, with the characters facing supernatural threats, family trauma, and escalating tensions that put their lives and sanity at risk. The presence of the Entity, the Preacher Man, and the mysterious events in the house raises the stakes and creates a sense of danger and urgency.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, revealing more about the characters' past traumas, the supernatural elements in the house, and the escalating conflict within the family. The introduction of the Entity, the Preacher Man, and the mysterious events adds layers to the narrative and sets the stage for further revelations and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected events, supernatural elements, and unclear motives of the characters. The audience is kept guessing about what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the struggle between reality and illusion, as the characters are faced with supernatural occurrences that challenge their beliefs and understanding of the world. This conflict challenges Sarah's values and worldview, as she must navigate through the unknown.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, anxiety, anguish, and confusion in the characters and the audience. The intense atmosphere, supernatural elements, and emotional turmoil create a sense of dread and unease, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles and fears.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and conflicts. The interactions between Sarah, Ryan, Jason, and May reveal their inner turmoil and the growing tension within the family. The dialogue adds to the suspense and mystery of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, mysterious events, and the audience's desire to uncover the truth behind the characters' actions. The tension keeps viewers on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension, revealing information at a suspenseful pace, and keeping the audience engaged with the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. It is easy to follow and visually engaging.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for a suspenseful thriller, with a clear progression of events and a building sense of tension. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by starting with Sarah's panic and confusion, which is a strong emotional hook. However, the transition from her waking up to the realization that Ryan and May are missing could be more fluid. The abrupt shift from her panic to the search feels slightly disjointed.
  • Ryan's character is portrayed as increasingly menacing, but his dialogue lacks depth. The line 'Where are you going?' feels too vague and doesn't convey the sinister undertones that his actions suggest. A more chilling or cryptic line could enhance the tension.
  • The use of sound, particularly Ryan's voice drifting from downstairs, is a great atmospheric choice. However, it could be more impactful if the voice had a distorted or echoing quality to emphasize the supernatural elements at play.
  • The scene introduces a sense of urgency as Sarah searches for her family, but the pacing could be improved. The moments of checking each room feel repetitive and could be condensed to maintain momentum. Consider using quick cuts or a montage to convey her frantic search more efficiently.
  • The introduction of Jason sleepwalking adds an interesting layer of horror, but the dialogue from May's voice in the closet could be more unsettling. The line 'Can I have this?' feels too innocent for the context. A more sinister or cryptic request would heighten the tension and unease.
  • The visual imagery of the master bedroom door creaking open and Jason sleepwalking is effective, but the description could be more vivid. Adding sensory details, such as the sound of Jason's footsteps or the atmosphere in the hallway, would enhance the reader's immersion in the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Sarah as she wakes up, which could provide insight into her mental state and heighten the emotional stakes.
  • Revise Ryan's dialogue to make it more menacing or cryptic, reflecting his increasingly sinister demeanor. This will help establish a stronger sense of dread.
  • Experiment with sound design in the script by describing how Ryan's voice could echo or distort, enhancing the supernatural atmosphere.
  • Streamline the sequence of Sarah checking each room to maintain pacing. Use quick cuts or a montage to convey her urgency without losing the tension.
  • Revise May's voice dialogue to make it more unsettling. Consider phrases that imply danger or manipulation to enhance the horror element.
  • Enhance the sensory details in the scene, focusing on sounds, smells, and visual cues to create a more immersive experience for the reader.



Scene 32 -  Descent into Darkness
INT. BASEMENT - SAME *
The basement is unnervingly still. May lies strapped to a
stone slab, the Dybbuk box ajar at her feet.
SARAH
May!
Terror grips Sarah as she rushes over. May stares blankly at
the ceiling, clutching a music box. Sarah struggles to undo
the straps.
SARAH (CONT’D)
Ryan! Where are you? ...May, wake
up!
No response. A horrifying realization strikes — Ryan isn’t
here. But something else is. Long black fingers creep over
the edge of the box as a monstrous head begins to emerge.
Sarah fumbles to free May. *

INT. JASON'S ROOM - SAME *
Jason inches toward the closet. *
JASON *
May, stop fooling around. *
Silence. *
JASON (CONT’D) *
May?...May! *
Now right at the closet’s edge. *
JASON (CONT’D) *
Come out, May. It’s not safe in *
there. We have to find, mom. *
MAY’S VOICE (O.S.) *
You’re not safe out there. *
The lightbulb flickers and pops. Shards of glass rain down as *
a decaying arm reaches from the closet, yanking Jason in. He
grabs the doorframe but is quickly pulled inside.


INT. BASEMENT - SAME *
Sarah finally frees May, but the Entity’s towering form is *
almost fully emerged from the Dybbuk box. Sarah hoists May in
her arms and bolts up the stairs. The basement door won't
budge.
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 77.


Behind her, the yellow-eyed Entity snaps and bends its way up
the steps toward them.
SARAH
Help me! Someone help us! *
Her desperate cries echo. BANG! BANG! BANG! The door rattles, *
etched with fresh, ominous symbols — nine interlocking
squares. With all her strength, she forces it open, slamming
it shut behind her. *
They run upstairs.

INT. MASTER BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER *
They rush in — Jason’s gone. *
SARAH *
Jason?! *
They head to his room. *

INT. JASON’S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER *
Sarah and May burst in. Glass is everywhere and the closet *
door is open. *
SARAH *
Jason! *
She searches the closet, under the bed — nothing. May watches
in dread. *
MAY *
He took him, Mommy. *
SARAH *
No! No no no. *
Sarah races out, searching frantically. May, terrified, *
hesitates before following. *
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary In a chilling basement, Sarah discovers May bound to a stone slab with the Dybbuk box open nearby. As she frees May, a monstrous entity begins to emerge, and they struggle to escape. Meanwhile, Jason, calling for May, is pulled into a closet by a decaying arm. After a tense escape from the basement, Sarah and May find Jason missing, leaving them in a state of dread and uncertainty.
Strengths
  • Intense terror and suspense
  • High emotional impact
  • Compelling conflict
  • Mysterious and ominous atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more impactful
  • Character depth and development could be improved

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension, fear, and suspense, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats with the imminent threat of the Entity and the disappearance of Jason. The emotional impact is high, and the stakes are raised significantly.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a malevolent Entity emerging from a Dybbuk box in a basement, threatening the characters and leading to the disappearance of Jason, is a strong and engaging premise that drives the scene forward with a sense of impending danger.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-executed, with a clear focus on Sarah's desperate attempts to save May from the Entity and find Jason. The escalating tension and the mysterious disappearance of characters keep the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding events.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on supernatural horror, with unique elements like the Dybbuk box and the monstrous entity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, particularly Sarah and May, are portrayed as terrified and desperate in the face of the Entity's emergence. Their actions and emotions drive the scene forward, but there could be more depth and development in their reactions to the escalating danger.

Character Changes: 7

Sarah undergoes a significant change in the scene, from initial terror and confusion to a determined and desperate resolve to save her children. The escalating danger and the disappearance of Jason drive her character arc in a compelling way.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect her loved ones and survive the supernatural threat. This reflects her deep-seated need for safety and security.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to escape the basement and find her missing family members. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and palpable, with Sarah fighting against the Entity to save her daughter and find her missing son. The escalating danger and the characters' desperate situation create a high level of conflict that drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a powerful supernatural entity and the disappearance of her family members.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the threat of the malevolent Entity, the disappearance of Jason, and the desperate struggle to save May. The characters' lives are in danger, and the sense of urgency and danger is palpable throughout the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by raising the stakes, introducing a new threat with the Entity, and setting up a compelling conflict for the characters to overcome. The disappearance of Jason adds a sense of urgency and mystery to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected appearance of the monstrous entity and the disappearance of the family members.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of facing unknown supernatural forces and the fear of losing loved ones. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the nature of reality and the limits of her own abilities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, anxiety, and desperation, drawing the audience into the characters' terrifying situation. The emotional impact is high, especially with the threat to the children and Sarah's frantic attempts to save them.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue serves its purpose in conveying the characters' fear and urgency, but it could be more impactful and memorable. There is room for improvement in creating more tension and emotional depth through the dialogue.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, supernatural elements, and high stakes for the characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and intense, building suspense and keeping the audience on edge.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, adhering to industry standards for screenplay format.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a horror genre, building tension and suspense effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and urgency, particularly through Sarah's frantic attempts to save May and the ominous presence of the Entity. However, the pacing could be improved by adding more internal conflict for Sarah as she grapples with the horror of the situation. This would deepen the emotional stakes and make her actions feel even more desperate.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works well in heightening the tension, but it could benefit from a few more lines that express Sarah's emotional state. For example, a line reflecting her fear or guilt about not being able to protect her children could add depth to her character in this moment.
  • The transition between the basement and Jason's room is effective, but the connection between the two scenes could be clearer. A brief moment where Sarah hears Jason's voice or a sound from his room could create a stronger link and heighten the sense of dread as she realizes he is also in danger.
  • The description of the Entity is chilling, but it could be enhanced by providing more sensory details. For instance, describing the sound it makes as it emerges or the smell of decay could create a more visceral experience for the reader.
  • The use of the Dybbuk box as a plot device is intriguing, but its significance could be emphasized more. Perhaps a brief flashback or a line of dialogue from Sarah reflecting on the box's history could add layers to the narrative and heighten the stakes.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more internal monologue for Sarah to convey her emotional turmoil and fears as she tries to save May. This could help the audience connect with her on a deeper level.
  • Add a moment where Sarah hears a sound from Jason's room before the scene shifts, creating a stronger sense of urgency and connection between the two locations.
  • Enhance the sensory details surrounding the Entity's emergence to create a more immersive experience. Consider describing its sounds, smells, or the atmosphere in the basement as it appears.
  • Consider including a line of dialogue or a flashback that references the Dybbuk box's dark history, reinforcing its significance and the stakes involved in the current situation.
  • Explore the possibility of adding a moment of hesitation or doubt for Sarah as she struggles to free May, which could heighten the tension and make her eventual success feel more earned.



Scene 33 -  The Haunting Search
INT. MULTIPLE ROOMS - CONTINUOUS *
Sarah tears through the house. *
SARAH *
Jason! Ryan, where the hell are *
you? Jason! *
May stands at the top of the stairs, watching. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 78.


SARAH (CONT’D) *
Stay with me, sweetie. *
MAY *
Okay, mommy. *
As May moves to follow, she sees Jason at the rose window. *
MAY (CONT’D)
Jason!

He’s writing on the glass.

MAY (CONT’D)
You’ll be in trouble for hiding.
Jason puts a finger to his lips. *
JASON *
Shhh...follow me.

He vanishes into the attic.

MAY
Hey! *
She rushes to the window, noticing the message etched into *
the glass: LET US IN. The attic door is marked with nine
intertwined squares.


EXT. COLONIAL HOUSE. WOODSHED - SAME *
Sarah, defeated, spins in desperation. *
SARAH! *
Jason! Where are you? *
She hurries back toward the house.

INT. ATTIC STAIRS - SAME

May opens the attic door. Inside, the dark is sporadically
lit by gaps through the roof beams. It’s a child’s worst
nightmare.

MAY
Jason? *
She steps in, tiptoeing through the dust. The door creaks *
shut behind her, the Dybbuk box resting before it. Black
fingers crack out, pulling the yellow-eyed entity with them.
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 79.


MAY (CONT’D)
Come out now Jason, I’m scared.


EXT. COLONIAL HOUSE - SAME *
Sarah searches helplessly. She doesn’t notice Ryan sitting in *
the car, staring blankly ahead.

SARAH *
Jason! *
A scream erupts from inside the house. Sarah finally realizes *
May is missing.

SARAH (CONT’D)
May! *
She bolts back inside. *

INT. CAR - SAME *
Ryan’s gaze is vacant. The axe lies in the passenger seat. *
Flies crawl over his arms, but he doesn’t move. In the
rearview mirror, his reflection reveals the truth—his face is
half-rotten, mouth twisted and black. His blood-red eyes burn
with malice. *
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary In a tense and suspenseful scene, Sarah desperately searches for her missing children, Jason and Ryan, as night falls around their colonial home. May, her daughter, follows Jason into the attic, where she discovers a chilling message etched into the rose window and the ominous Dybbuk box. Meanwhile, Sarah's panic escalates when she realizes May is also missing after hearing a scream from inside the house. The scene culminates with a disturbing revelation of Ryan's sinister transformation in the car, leaving Sarah's frantic search unresolved and filled with dread.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Intriguing supernatural elements
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • Mysterious and suspenseful atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Some scenes may be too intense for sensitive viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension, introduces high stakes, and keeps the audience engaged with its blend of horror, mystery, and psychological elements. The eerie atmosphere, supernatural entities, and character dynamics contribute to a compelling narrative that leaves a lasting impact.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a haunted colonial house, supernatural entities, and a mysterious Dybbuk box adds depth and intrigue to the scene. The blend of horror, mystery, and family drama creates a unique and engaging storyline that keeps the audience guessing and on edge.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with multiple layers of mystery, suspense, and supernatural elements intertwining to create a gripping narrative. The escalating tension, character dynamics, and unexpected twists drive the story forward and keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique blend of family drama and supernatural horror, with fresh approaches to familiar themes of protection and fear. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their interactions add depth to the scene. Sarah's desperation, May's fear, and Ryan's mysterious behavior create a sense of unease and intrigue. The dynamic between the characters enhances the tension and drives the plot forward.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant changes in the scene, facing their fears, confronting the unknown, and making difficult decisions. Sarah's determination, May's fear, and Ryan's mysterious behavior all contribute to the character development and add depth to the narrative. The changes in the characters' attitudes and actions drive the plot forward and keep the audience engaged.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find her missing children and ensure their safety. This reflects her deeper need for protection and security, as well as her fear of losing her loved ones.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to locate her children and bring them back to safety. This reflects the immediate challenge of a potential threat to her family.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts that drive the plot forward and keep the audience engaged. The characters face supernatural threats, family tensions, and mysterious disappearances, creating a sense of urgency and danger. The escalating conflict adds to the suspense and intensity of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple obstacles, including the supernatural threat in the house and the mysterious disappearance of her children. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing supernatural threats, family tensions, and mysterious disappearances. The danger is palpable, the sense of urgency is intense, and the consequences of failure are dire. The high stakes add tension, suspense, and emotional impact to the scene, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new mysteries, escalating conflicts, and revealing important information about the characters and their past. The unfolding events, the character dynamics, and the escalating tension drive the narrative forward and keep the audience invested in the outcome. The scene sets the stage for further developments and keeps the audience on edge with its unpredictable twists and turns.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the supernatural elements and unexpected twists, such as the revelation of Ryan's true appearance. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's desire to protect her children and the unknown supernatural forces at play in the house. This challenges her beliefs about the nature of reality and the limits of her control.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including fear, anxiety, shock, and desperation. The characters' struggles, the supernatural elements, and the high stakes of the situation create a sense of unease and tension that resonates with the audience. The emotional impact of the scene is powerful and leaves a lasting impression.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and motivations. It adds to the atmosphere of the scene and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships. While the dialogue is impactful, there is room for more depth and complexity in future scenes.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, suspenseful atmosphere, and high stakes for the characters. The audience is drawn into the mystery and danger of the situation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually, revealing key information at strategic moments, and maintaining a sense of urgency throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful horror genre, with a buildup of tension, a reveal of supernatural elements, and a cliffhanger ending.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and urgency as Sarah searches for her children, but it could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience in the frantic atmosphere. Describing the sounds of her footsteps, the creaking of the house, or the oppressive silence could enhance the sense of dread.
  • The dialogue is functional but lacks emotional depth. Sarah's repeated calls for Jason and Ryan feel somewhat generic. Adding more emotional weight to her pleas could help convey her desperation and fear more vividly.
  • The transition between the interior and exterior settings is somewhat abrupt. The shift from Sarah's frantic search inside the house to her spinning in desperation outside could be smoother. Consider using a visual or auditory cue to bridge these moments more seamlessly.
  • The introduction of the Dybbuk box and the yellow-eyed entity is intriguing, but the connection between these elements and the characters' actions could be clearer. Establishing a stronger link between Jason's message at the rose window and the entity's presence would heighten the stakes.
  • May's character could be developed further in this scene. While she expresses fear, her actions are somewhat passive. Giving her a more active role in the search or a moment of bravery could add depth to her character and enhance the emotional stakes.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more sensory details to create a vivid atmosphere. Describe the sounds, smells, and visual elements that contribute to the tension of the scene.
  • Enhance Sarah's dialogue to reflect her emotional state more deeply. Consider using fragmented sentences or more visceral language to convey her panic and fear.
  • Smooth the transition between the interior and exterior settings by using a visual or auditory cue, such as a sound echoing from inside the house that draws Sarah back in.
  • Clarify the connection between Jason's message at the rose window and the Dybbuk box. Perhaps have Sarah notice the message and react to it, linking it to her growing sense of dread.
  • Give May a more active role in the scene. Consider having her take a brave action, like trying to find Jason on her own or expressing a strong emotion that reflects her fear and determination.



Scene 34 -  Echoes of the Past
INT. UPSTAIRS - MOMENTS LATER *
Sarah darts upstairs. *
SARAH
May! Sweetheart, where are you?

She spots May, frozen at the attic doorway, eyes wide with
terror.

MAY
Mommy. *
The attic door slams shut. Sarah sprints up, forcing it open *
with a hard shove. She stumbles in—May is gone.

SARAH
May! Come out, baby. *
She searches frantically, but there’s no sign of her. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 80.


INT. ATTIC/PURITAN CHURCH - SAME *
May pulls at the attic door, but something’s wrong. *
Everything inside is reversed and decaying. She opens the
door—it leads to the nave of a Puritan church.

INT. PURITAN CHURCH. NAVE - CONTINUOUS *
May tiptoes down the aisle, trembling as she sees children *
draped in sheets, sitting upright in the pews.
MAY
Jason? Mommy? Daddy?
She turns and the children are now standing. Fear grips her,
and she dashes into the pulpit, hiding.
MAY (CONT’D)
I’m a brave girl, I’m a brave girl. *
She peeks over the pulpit. The sheet-covered children gather *
at the base, hollow eye sockets staring up at her. Her locket
dangles from her neck, causing the children to shriek before
evaporating, leaving only the sheets behind.

Looking around, she finds some old scroll paper and inside
her pocket is one of her crayons.

Quickly as she can she draws something on both sides of the
paper. Running back to the door, the symbol adorns it which
see traces with the crayon onto the paper before sliding it
under. She knocks hard but stops as the Preacher Man rises, *
casting a long, sinister shadow. Before she can scream, his
grotesque hand clamps over her mouth.


INT. HALLWAY - SAME *
Sarah stumbles down the hallway, defeated. She collapses to *
the floor in despair. A loud knock echoes from the front
door, pulling her from her grief. Thinking it’s her children,
she races to answer.


INT. FOYER. FRONT DOOR - MOMENTS LATER *
No one’s there, but May’s drawing lies on the floor. It *
depicts the Puritan nave with a rose window.

Sarah picks it up, gasping violently as her eyes roll back. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 81.


EXT. NEW HAVEN COLONY. PURITAN CHURCH - VISION *
The Puritan church with a prominent rose window stands at the
heart of the New World town, surrounded by fields, homes, and
a school.
SUPER: NEW HAVEN COLONY - 1640
WORKERS dig behind the church, when a spade strikes something
solid. They unearth the Dybbuk box.
MOMENTS LATER
A cane taps the soil as The Preacher Man approaches, looking
more human than his future self. He watches the box placed at
his feet. *
THE PREACHER MAN
Bring it to me.

INT. PURITAN CHURCH. CHAPEL - LATER *
The Preacher Man, alone in a chapel filled with religious *
relics, runs his fingers over the Dybbuk box, eyes gleaming
with curiosity. He pries open the locks, flipping the lid. A
rush of air hits him, knocking him back.
Intrigued, he crawls back to retrieve a music box, a carving
tool, and a locket. He places the locket around his neck—the
power instantly seizes him. *

INT. PURITAN CHURCH. NAVE - NIGHT *
The Preacher Man, now pale and sickly, chants an ancient *
passage by candlelight as the music box plays. Markings on
the Dybbuk box glow.
A demonic hand emerges, overpowering him. The yellow-eyed
Entity crawls out. The Preacher grabs a metal cross, but it
burns in his hand.
The Entity forces the locket down his throat, drawing out his
soul. The Preacher collapses, only for the Entity to shove
itself back inside him, reviving him with glowing yellow eyes
and a sinister grin.

*
Pink Rev. (08/21/24) 82.


EXT. PURITAN CHURCH - DAY
The Preacher Man, now seemingly normal, bids farewell to the
congregation. A young girl, MARY, offers him a red ribbon.
THE PREACHER MAN
For me?
He ties it to his cane.
THE PREACHER MAN (CONT’D)
Every time I look at this, it will
remind me of you and all of the
other children that I will come to
meet.
Mary skips away to play, unaware of his dark intent.


EXT. PURITAN CHURCH - LATER

The Preacher Man watches Mary play hide-and-seek. He beckons
her over...

THE PREACHER MAN
I have something for you.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the music box. *
Mary is fascinated and tries to take it. *
THE PREACHER MAN (CONT’D)
I need to carve your name on it *
first. *
MARY
Can I watch? *
THE PREACHER MAN
And with such beautiful eyes to
watch with.
He leads her inside.
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Supernatural"]

Summary In a tense scene, Sarah frantically searches for her daughter May, who has retreated into a mysterious attic leading to a decaying Puritan church. May encounters eerie, sheet-covered children and, in a moment of bravery, draws a protective symbol. Meanwhile, Sarah discovers May's drawing at the front door, triggering a vision of the church in 1640, revealing the dark origins of a sinister preacher and a Dybbuk box. The scene culminates in Sarah's despair as she realizes the ominous threat facing her daughter.
Strengths
  • Eerie atmosphere
  • Mystery elements
  • Supernatural presence
  • Tension and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Potential confusion with the multiple timelines and settings

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through its eerie setting, mysterious events, and the introduction of supernatural elements. The combination of horror and mystery keeps the audience engaged and on edge, making it a compelling and impactful scene.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the Puritan church, the Preacher Man, and the Dybbuk box adds depth and complexity to the story, introducing historical and supernatural elements that enhance the overall narrative. The scene effectively blends horror, mystery, and the supernatural to create a chilling and intriguing atmosphere.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the disappearance of May in the attic, her eerie experience in the Puritan church setting, and the revelation of the Preacher Man's dark past. The unfolding events keep the audience engaged and curious, driving the story forward and building suspense.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on supernatural horror by combining modern-day characters with Puritan rituals and a demonic Entity. The authenticity of characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters in the scene, particularly May and the Preacher Man, play crucial roles in advancing the plot and creating a sense of fear and mystery. Their interactions and reactions add depth to the scene and contribute to the overall atmosphere of terror and suspense.

Character Changes: 7

May undergoes a significant change in the scene, transitioning from fear and confusion to a sense of bravery and determination in the face of the Preacher Man's sinister presence. Her character arc adds depth and complexity to the narrative, showcasing her growth and resilience in the face of supernatural threats.

Internal Goal: 9

Sarah's internal goal is to find her daughter May and protect her from the supernatural threats in the Puritan church. This reflects her deep need for maternal instinct and fear of losing her child.

External Goal: 8

Sarah's external goal is to rescue May from the clutches of the Preacher Man and the demonic Entity in the Puritan church. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as the characters face terrifying and supernatural events in the Puritan church. The tension between the characters, the mysterious disappearances, and the looming presence of the Preacher Man create a high level of conflict that keeps the audience on edge.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the Preacher Man and the demonic Entity posing significant threats to Sarah and May, creating suspense and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as the characters face terrifying and supernatural threats in the Puritan church. The safety of May, the revelation of the Preacher Man's dark past, and the looming presence of the Entity all contribute to the high stakes, creating a sense of danger and urgency.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing more about the dark history of the Puritan church, the Preacher Man's sinister past, and the supernatural elements at play. The unfolding events and the characters' reactions propel the narrative forward, building suspense and intrigue.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists, supernatural occurrences, and character decisions that keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the clash between modern-day beliefs and supernatural Puritan rituals. This challenges Sarah's worldview and values as she navigates the eerie church to save her daughter.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, terror, and despair in the characters and the audience. The eerie setting, the mysterious events, and the supernatural elements all contribute to a sense of dread and unease, heightening the emotional intensity of the scene.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and confusion, adding to the overall tone of terror and mystery. While not overly complex, the dialogue serves its purpose in advancing the plot and building tension.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense suspense, emotional stakes, and supernatural elements that keep the audience on edge.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-crafted, with a balance of tension-building moments, character interactions, and supernatural revelations that maintain a gripping rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a supernatural horror genre, enhancing the visual and narrative impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that builds tension and suspense effectively, leading to a climactic revelation.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by juxtaposing Sarah's frantic search for May with May's eerie encounter in the Puritan church. This parallel structure heightens the stakes and keeps the audience engaged.
  • The use of sensory details, such as May's trembling and the children's hollow eye sockets, creates a vivid and unsettling atmosphere. However, the transition between Sarah's perspective and May's could be smoother to maintain clarity.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works well in a horror context, but adding a few more internal thoughts or whispered fears from Sarah could deepen her emotional state and enhance the audience's connection to her plight.
  • The visual imagery is strong, particularly the description of the Puritan church and the sheet-covered children. However, the scene could benefit from more specific descriptions of the attic's decay and the atmosphere to further immerse the audience in the horror.
  • The moment when May draws a symbol to protect herself is a powerful visual, but it could be more impactful if the significance of the symbol was hinted at earlier in the script, creating a sense of foreshadowing.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Sarah as she searches for May, expressing her fears and doubts to create a stronger emotional connection with the audience.
  • Enhance the transition between Sarah's search and May's experience by using a visual or auditory cue that links the two scenes, such as a sound that echoes between them.
  • Clarify the significance of the symbol May draws by introducing it earlier in the script, perhaps through a conversation or a visual element that hints at its importance.
  • Expand on the description of the attic and the Puritan church to create a more immersive atmosphere, using sensory details that evoke smell, sound, and touch.
  • Consider incorporating a moment where Sarah hears May's voice or a sound from the attic that draws her attention, creating a more direct connection between the two characters and heightening the tension.



Scene 35 -  The Haunting Lullaby
INT. PURITAN CHURCH. CHAPEL - LATER

The once holy chapel is now covered in archaic symbols and
nine intertwining squares. The Preacher Man carves Mary’s
name into a music box.

Behind him, Mary is bound and gagged, crucified to a wooden
block.
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 83.


THE PREACHER MAN
Now we lay you down to sleep,
I pray the Lord, your soul we keep.
The Preacher Man looms towards her.

EXT. COLONY - NIGHT *
A storm rages as Mary’s family searches desperately for her, *
joined by townsfolk. The Preacher Man watches from the church
door, clutching the locket.

INT/EXT. COLONY/HOMES - DAY/NIGHT
Families continue searching for their missing children day
after day. *

EXT. CHURCH - NIGHT *
The Preacher Man lures another CHILD into the church. *

INT. CHURCH. NAVE - CONTINUOUS *
Terrified by the sight of the Dybbuk box, the child tries to *
flee but is caught by the Preacher’s yellow-eyed gaze.
THE PREACHER MAN
Eyes are the windows to the soul,
and I need both of yours.
The child lashes out, breaks free and runs for his life.

INT. PURITAN CHURCH. NAVE - LATER *
The Preacher Man summons dark forces from the box. A blinding
bolt of light shoots through him, releasing the yellow-eyed
Entity, which transforms into a new Preacher. The Entity’s
form dissolves into smoke and drifts out of the church.
POV - THE PREACHER MAN
The new Preacher flies across fields, slipping under a door
into a home where a child sleeps.
TAP...TAP...TAP.
The child awakens, paralyzed, as the Preacher looms above,
mucus dripping from his rotting teeth. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 84.


EXT. PURITAN CHURCH - NIGHT
A MOB storms the church.

INT. PURITAN CHURCH. NAVE - SAME
The Preacher Man awaits them, standing defiantly among the
corpses of children, their eye sockets replaced with burning
candles.

EXT. PURITAN CHURCH - MOMENTS LATER *
The mob beats the Preacher Man and crucifies him to a large *
wooden cross. He laughs maniacally as they drive iron pins
into his wrists and feet.
MOB LEADER (O.S.)
Burn him.
As flames engulf him, the Preacher continues to laugh.

EXT. FIELD - LATER
The Preacher’s charred body, along with the Dybbuk box and
his cane, is tossed into a deep hole and buried.

INT. PURITAN HOME - NIGHT
A MOTHER kisses her sleeping children. As she leaves, the
Preacher’s lullaby fills the room.
TAP... TAP... TAP. The children wake but can’t move. The
Preacher rises between their beds, his haunting form looming
over them.

INT. PURITAN HOME - MORNING
The mother enters the room, only to find her children gone.
END OF VISION. *

INT. COLONIAL HOUSE. FOYER - NIGHT *
All is quiet. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 85.


Sarah gasps awake. Traumatized, she flips the paper, and on *
the other side is a drawing of a door with the nine *
intertwining square symbols. A message read - F I N D T H E D O O R, *
M O M M Y...
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary In a stormy Puritan church, the sinister Preacher Man carves Mary’s name into a music box while she is bound and gagged. As townsfolk search for her, he lures another child but is thwarted when the child escapes. Summoning dark forces from a Dybbuk box, he transforms and preys on a sleeping child. A mob captures him, crucifies him, and burns him, but his malevolence lingers as a haunting lullaby leads to the disappearance of a mother’s children. The scene concludes with Sarah waking in terror, discovering a drawing that hints at the Preacher's dark influence.
Strengths
  • Innovative concept blending historical elements with supernatural horror
  • Effective use of tension, fear, and suspense
  • Compelling character development and emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful and memorable
  • Certain plot elements may require further explanation or development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension, fear, and mystery, keeping the audience engaged with its chilling atmosphere and supernatural elements. The incorporation of historical elements and the revelation of the Preacher's curse add depth to the storyline, making it compelling and intriguing.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a cursed Puritan preacher, dark forces, and a malevolent entity tied to a mysterious box is innovative and captivating. The scene effectively blends historical elements with supernatural horror, creating a unique and intriguing premise that sets up a compelling narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot unfolds with a series of terrifying events, escalating the tension and mystery surrounding the characters' fates. The revelation of the Preacher's curse and the involvement of the Dybbuk box drive the narrative forward, keeping the audience on edge and eager to uncover the dark secrets lurking within the story.

Originality: 9

The scene is highly original, blending historical elements with supernatural horror in a unique and compelling way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add to the sense of dread and suspense.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters in the scene are driven by fear, desperation, and a sense of impending doom, which adds depth to their portrayal. Sarah's determination to protect her children and unravel the mysteries surrounding the Preacher's curse showcases her resilience and courage in the face of supernatural threats.

Character Changes: 7

Sarah undergoes a significant transformation in the scene, from a state of fear and confusion to a determined and courageous protector of her children. Her resilience and willingness to confront the supernatural threats demonstrate her growth and development as a character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to survive and protect her family from the evil forces at play. This reflects her deeper need for safety and security, as well as her fear of the unknown and supernatural.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to escape from the Preacher Man and the dark forces he controls. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with intense conflict, both internal and external, as the characters face supernatural threats, dark forces, and the looming presence of the Preacher's curse. The escalating tension and sense of danger heighten the stakes and keep the audience on edge.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the Preacher Man representing a formidable and supernatural threat to the protagonist.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters face supernatural threats, dark forces, and the curse of the Preacher Man. The safety of Sarah's children, the revelation of dark family secrets, and the looming presence of malevolent entities raise the stakes and create a sense of urgency and danger.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing crucial information about the Preacher's curse, the Dybbuk box, and the dark forces at play. The escalating events and supernatural occurrences drive the narrative towards a climactic confrontation, keeping the audience engaged and eager to uncover the mysteries within the story.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the supernatural elements and the unexpected twists in the plot.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between good and evil, with the Preacher Man representing darkness and the townsfolk representing the forces of light. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the face of supernatural threats.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, eliciting fear, terror, and suspense as the characters confront supernatural entities and dark forces. The sense of desperation, trauma, and impending doom adds depth to the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and sense of urgency. The interactions between the characters and the ominous remarks of the Preacher Man enhance the eerie atmosphere and build suspense throughout the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dark and suspenseful atmosphere, as well as the high stakes and supernatural elements at play.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective, building tension and suspense as the action unfolds.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, enhancing the reader's understanding of the action and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a horror genre, building tension and suspense effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and horror through vivid imagery and the Preacher Man's sinister actions. However, the pacing feels rushed in certain areas, particularly during the transitions between the church and the outside world. This could benefit from more gradual shifts to allow the audience to absorb the horror unfolding.
  • The dialogue of the Preacher Man is chilling, but it could be enhanced by incorporating more psychological manipulation. Instead of just stating his intentions, he could taunt Mary with personal fears or memories, deepening the emotional impact.
  • The visual descriptions are strong, particularly the imagery of the Preacher Man among the corpses of children. However, the scene could benefit from more sensory details, such as sounds, smells, and textures, to immerse the audience further into the horror of the setting.
  • The transition from the Preacher Man's actions to the mob's confrontation feels abrupt. A moment of reflection or a brief scene showing the townsfolk's growing fear and suspicion could heighten the stakes and make the mob's actions feel more justified.
  • The ending of the scene, where Sarah gasps awake, is effective but could be more impactful if it included a brief moment of her processing the vision before flipping the paper. This would allow the audience to feel her trauma more deeply and create a stronger connection to her character.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of hesitation or fear from Mary before the Preacher Man approaches her, which could heighten the tension and make her predicament more relatable.
  • Incorporate more internal monologue or emotional reactions from Sarah after she wakes up. This could provide insight into her mental state and enhance the audience's empathy for her character.
  • Expand on the mob's motivations and emotions during the confrontation with the Preacher Man. This could involve showing their fear, anger, or desperation, making their actions more complex and engaging.
  • Add more atmospheric details to the church setting, such as flickering candlelight, the sound of thunder, or the smell of smoke, to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Consider using a non-linear storytelling approach for the vision sequence, interspersing Sarah's reactions with the unfolding events in the church to create a more dynamic and engaging narrative flow.



Scene 36 -  Echoes of the Past
INT. PURITAN CHURCH. CHAPEL - SAME *
Nine intertwining squares cover the bolted chapel door. Jason *
and May, bound and gagged, are strapped to wooden blocks. The
Preacher Man hunches over a bench, engraving two new music
boxes. The first letters of Jason’s name are already carved.
Jason locks eyes with a trembling May, struggling against his
restraints, but it's futile. The Preacher Man glances back,
finger to his lips.
THE PREACHER MAN
Shhhhh. *
He returns to engraving, carefully chiseling the letter "A." *

INT. COLONIAL HOUSE - SAME *
Sarah frantically checks every door for the ominous symbol. *

INT. JASON’S ROOM. CLOSET - MOMENTS LATER *
Sarah rushes into Jason's room, opening the closet. Outside, *
the door seems normal, but inside, she finds the symbol. She
stares, unnerved by two scratched-out circles on the panel. *

INT. FOYER - SAME *
Ryan storms in, rage-fueled, gripping an axe. *

INT. JASON'S ROOM - SAME *
Hearing Ryan, Sarah hides in the wardrobe, terrified as his *
footsteps pound up the stairs. He bursts into the room.
RYAN *
I see you. *
He charges, axe raised, but as Sarah slams the wardrobe doors *
shut, nothing happens. Peering through the slats, she sees
Ryan frozen mid-strike.
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 86.


Opening the doors cautiously, she finds the room inverted—its
contents melting, everything a dull blue or red. Edging
around Ryan, she touches his face, triggering him to crumble
into ash.
Her horrified gasp fills the room as she makes her way out.

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS *
The hallway stretches endlessly. A faint light glows from an
elevator at the end.

EXT. ELEVATOR - MOMENTS LATER
Sarah presses the button and the elevator door opens. She
looks in, just a plain elevator.
IN THE ELEVATOR *
The doors shudder shut, and the elevator descends abruptly, *
stopping at the driveway of the colonial house. The elevator *
doors stand like a monolith. Stepping out... *

EXT. COLONIAL HOUSE - NIGHT *
...Sarah is now an eight-year-old, barefoot and in a *
nightgown. YOUNG SARAH stares at the colonial house at the
end of the drive.
She looks up to see her sister, Emma, watching from the rose
window before darting away.
SARAH *
Emma! *
She runs toward the house as the front door swings open, *
revealing her drunken father, Paul, full of rage. *
PAUL *
Where have you been!? *
He grabs her arm, his eyes glazed and unfocused. *
PAUL (CONT’D) *
We have been waiting for you! *
Young Sarah trembles, barely whispering. *
YOUNG SARAH *
...I’m...sorry- *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 87.


Paul drags her inside, the door slamming shut. Blood pours *
from every crack and crevice of the house.

INT. COLONIAL HOUSE. FOYER - MOMENTS LATER *
Young Sarah stumbles into the decayed, reversed version of *
the foyer. The air reeks, forcing her to cover her nose. On
the living room table, the open Dybbuk box glows, surrounded
by candles.
Paul drags her toward the box, forcing her to sit before it.
He paces angrily, swigging from a vodka bottle. *
PAUL *
What did you do? *
YOUNG SARAH *
Nothing... *
PAUL *
You opened the box, didn’t you?! *
YOUNG SARAH *
I don’t remember. *
PAUL *
You’ll be the death of me... *
He raises his hand to strike when CRACK — June knocks him out *
from behind. Emma, wide-eyed, stands behind her. June offers
her hand.
JUNE *
Let’s go, sweetie. *
As Sarah reaches out, the front door swings open, and they *
vanish.
To her shock, Young Sarah watches as her older self enters
the house with Jason and May. It’s moving day, unfolding just
like it did earlier.
MAY
It’s so beautiful.
JASON
(Wrinkling his nose)
What is that smell?
Sarah cradles herself, scanning the interior anxiously. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 88.


OLDER SARAH *
(Worrisome) *
It’ll air out. *
(Distant) *
This is a lot of work. *
MAY *
(Hushed) *
Mom, I found something... *
Sarah claps her hands together and forces a smile. *
OLDER SARAH *
Right, we can do this. Jas, take *
your sister upstairs and check out *
your rooms. Take a box with you. *
May picks up a box of toys and hesitates before following a *
glum Jason up the stairs. *
Young Sarah watches, stunned. *
YOUNG SARAH *
Hey! Help me! *
She runs toward her older self, but slips through like a *
ghost, landing hard on the floor. Older Sarah pauses, feeling
a strange chill, clutching her locket for comfort. She shrugs
it off and leaves, trapping Young Sarah inside.
Pounding the door, Young Sarah cries out.
YOUNG SARAH (CONT’D) *
...Help me! Please, anyone!

Exhausted, she slumps to the floor. Then she spots Older Ryan
near the basement door, holding the Dybbuk box.

OLDER RYAN
Yes, Ma’am. I’m here to protect and
serve. To bring justice to the
people of this fair town-

OLDER SARAH (O.S.)
-If you could fly without talking,
that would be great.

Older Ryan heads down the basement stairs.

YOUNG SARAH *
Ryan! *
Young Sarah takes off after him but as she opens the basement *
door it opens up into the attic instead. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 89.
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In a Puritan church chapel, Jason and May are bound and gagged as the sinister Preacher Man engraves music boxes, focusing on Jason's name. Meanwhile, Sarah searches for a symbol in a colonial house, leading to a traumatic confrontation with her past when she encounters her abusive father, Paul. As Ryan enters with an axe, Sarah hides, triggering a transformation that leaves Ryan powerless. The scene shifts to Young Sarah, who feels trapped as she witnesses her older self moving into the house with Jason and May, culminating in a haunting sense of helplessness.
Strengths
  • Effective use of horror elements
  • Intriguing concept and setting
  • Complex narrative with multiple timelines
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Compelling character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Complexity may be overwhelming for some viewers
  • Some elements may be too dark or disturbing for sensitive audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension, creates a sense of dread, and keeps the audience on edge with its eerie and suspenseful elements. The intricate storytelling, supernatural elements, and emotional impact contribute to a high rating.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a haunted Puritan church, supernatural forces, and a mysterious Dybbuk box is intriguing and well-executed. The scene effectively blends horror and mystery elements to create a compelling and atmospheric setting.

Plot: 8

The plot is complex and engaging, with multiple layers of mystery, supernatural occurrences, and character dynamics. The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the characters' past and the sinister forces at play.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh and original elements such as the supernatural occurrences, the Dybbuk box, and the inverted room. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed and contribute to the overall sense of fear and tension in the scene. Their interactions and reactions to the supernatural events add depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, facing their fears, confronting past traumas, and dealing with supernatural threats. These changes add depth to the characters and drive the narrative forward.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to confront her past traumas and fears, as represented by the supernatural events unfolding around her.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate the supernatural occurrences and protect herself and her loved ones from harm.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, including supernatural threats, family dynamics, and past traumas. The escalating tension and sense of danger create a high level of conflict that keeps the audience engaged.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing supernatural threats, family conflicts, and internal struggles that create uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing supernatural threats, family trauma, and the consequences of past actions. The sense of danger, the unknown, and the looming presence of sinister forces raise the stakes and keep the audience invested.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information, escalating the conflict, and setting up future events. It deepens the mystery, develops the characters, and advances the plot in a compelling way.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected supernatural occurrences and the shifting realities experienced by the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of guilt, redemption, and the consequences of one's actions. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about responsibility and forgiveness.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, anxiety, shock, and trauma through its terrifying and suspenseful elements. The characters' struggles, the supernatural occurrences, and the high stakes contribute to the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is effective in conveying the characters' emotions, motivations, and the unfolding events. It adds to the atmosphere and tension of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of supernatural elements, family drama, and psychological horror. The suspenseful atmosphere and mysterious events keep the audience hooked.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and transitions between locations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the visual and emotional elements of the story.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure that adds to the suspense and mystery of the narrative. It effectively transitions between different locations and time periods.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by juxtaposing the horror of the Preacher Man's actions with Sarah's frantic search for her children. However, the transitions between the Puritan church and the colonial house could be smoother to maintain the flow and coherence of the narrative.
  • The imagery of the Preacher Man engraving music boxes while Jason and May are bound creates a chilling atmosphere, but the stakes could be heightened by providing more insight into Jason's emotional state. Adding internal thoughts or flashbacks could deepen the audience's connection to his plight.
  • The dialogue from the Preacher Man is minimal, which works to create an eerie silence, but it might benefit from a few more lines that reveal his motivations or twisted philosophy. This could enhance his character and make him more menacing.
  • The scene's pacing is generally effective, but the transition from Sarah's frantic search to the surreal experience of her older self moving into the house feels abrupt. A more gradual build-up to this moment could enhance the emotional impact.
  • The visual descriptions are strong, particularly the inversion of the room and the melting contents, which evoke a sense of disorientation. However, the significance of the 'scratched-out circles' could be elaborated upon to provide clarity and deepen the mystery surrounding the Dybbuk box.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Jason to convey his fear and desperation while bound, which would create a stronger emotional connection with the audience.
  • Enhance the dialogue of the Preacher Man to include more sinister remarks that reveal his intentions, making him a more compelling antagonist.
  • Smooth out the transitions between the Puritan church and the colonial house by using visual motifs or thematic elements that connect the two settings, reinforcing the narrative's continuity.
  • Explore the significance of the 'scratched-out circles' in Jason's closet further, perhaps through a flashback or a moment of realization for Sarah, to deepen the mystery and stakes.
  • Consider pacing the reveal of Young Sarah's perspective more gradually, allowing the audience to fully absorb the horror of her situation before transitioning to the present-day events.



Scene 37 -  Confronting the Abyss
INT. ATTIC - CONTINUOUS *
Young Sarah finds herself surrounded by dusty, draped *
objects. In the center sits a church pew, the Dybbuk box
resting on it.
She approaches, drawn to it. *
VOICE *
...Let us in... *
Curiosity overtakes her, and she opens the box. Inside, a *
swirling abyss reflects back at her—beautiful at first, but
quickly transforming into fire, blood, and agony. Terrified,
she slams it shut and bolts for the door, frantically
twisting the knob. Sensing someone behind the door.
YOUNG SARAH *
...May? Is that you? ...Let me out! *
....Please, let me out! *
May's scream echoes, followed by fleeing footsteps. *
Panicked, she backs away, searching for another exit. A long *
wiry hair irritates her neck; she pulls it away, disgusted.
Frustrated, she tears off the dust sheets, revealing
countless music boxes, each engraved with a name.
Remembering her sister, Sarah charges toward the door but
suddenly plummets through — into the kitchen.

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS *
Older Sarah stands at the counter, entranced, a knife poised *
over her arm on the chopping board. *
YOUNG SARAH *
Sarah! *
Young Sarah watches, frozen in place, helpless. No response *
from her older self.
YOUNG SARAH (CONT’D) *
No! Sarah! Wake up! Sarah! *
The knife presses into Sarah's skin. Desperate, young Sarah *
kicks a trolley, sending pots and pans crashing to the floor.
Older Sarah snaps out of her trance, momentarily locking eyes
with the younger version. *
YOUNG SARAH (CONT’D) *
Sarah? Can you see me? *
Pink Rev. (08/21/24) 90.


Older Sarah, still dazed, struggles to comprehend. *
YOUNG SARAH (CONT’D) *
You need to get out of here! Leave! *
Sarah! *
SARAH *
...I... can’t hear you... *
YOUNG SARAH *
You’re in danger! Get out, now! *
Young Sarah notices that everything around her is fading away *
and a black void is closing down on her. *
YOUNG SARAH (CONT’D) *
Sarah! Get out! *
Just as Sarah fades away... *
SARAH *
...Wait! *
The black void compacts down on Young Sarah and then swallows *
her. *
YOUNG SARAH *
Help! Someone help! *
BLACK. *
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary In a tense and frantic scene, Young Sarah discovers a Dybbuk box in the attic, leading her to a horrifying encounter with her older self in the kitchen. As Older Sarah, entranced and unaware, prepares to harm herself with a knife, Young Sarah desperately tries to warn her of the impending danger. The escalating chaos culminates in both characters facing a dark void that threatens to consume them, leaving their fate unresolved.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Creating a sense of dread
  • Exploring supernatural elements
  • Revealing dark secrets
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Some interactions lack depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through its eerie setting, supernatural elements, and the sense of impending danger. The combination of past trauma, mysterious occurrences, and the threat of dark forces creates a compelling and intense atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a haunted house with a dark history, supernatural entities, and a mysterious Dybbuk box is intriguing and well-executed. The scene effectively explores themes of past trauma, family secrets, and the influence of dark forces, keeping the audience engaged and on edge.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and suspenseful, with a focus on Sarah and May's terrifying experiences in a haunted house. The scene effectively builds tension and mystery, revealing dark secrets and escalating the danger faced by the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique supernatural element with the Dybbuk box and explores the protagonist's fear and desperation in a fresh and engaging way. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Sarah, May, and Young Sarah are well-developed and face intense emotional and physical challenges in the scene. Their reactions to the supernatural events and past trauma add depth to the story and increase the sense of fear and suspense.

Character Changes: 7

The characters, especially Sarah and May, undergo emotional and psychological changes as they confront past trauma, supernatural threats, and dark forces. Their experiences in the scene challenge their beliefs, fears, and relationships, leading to personal growth and transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to escape the attic and the supernatural forces within it. This reflects her fear and desire for safety.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to survive the supernatural threats in the attic and find a way out. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as the characters face supernatural threats, past trauma, and the influence of dark forces. The escalating danger and sense of impending doom create a high level of tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing supernatural threats and her own internal struggles. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how she will overcome these challenges.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters confront supernatural threats, past trauma, and the influence of dark forces. Their lives are in danger, and the consequences of their actions could have far-reaching and deadly consequences, adding to the sense of urgency and suspense.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key information about the haunted house, the Dybbuk box, and the dark forces at play. It deepens the mystery, escalates the danger faced by the characters, and sets the stage for further supernatural events and revelations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the supernatural elements and the unexpected twists in the protagonist's journey. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the struggle between the supernatural forces and the protagonist's desire for safety and survival. It challenges her beliefs about the existence of the supernatural and her ability to overcome it.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, confusion, and helplessness in the characters and the audience, creating a strong emotional impact. The sense of dread, suspense, and the characters' intense reactions to the supernatural events heighten the emotional intensity of the scene.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' fear, confusion, and desperation in the face of supernatural occurrences. It adds to the tension and atmosphere of the scene, but could benefit from more depth and complexity in certain interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense atmosphere, supernatural elements, and the protagonist's desperate struggle for survival. The reader is drawn into the tension and suspense of the scene.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual buildup of tension, a climactic moment, and a resolution. It keeps the reader engaged and invested in the protagonist's journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for a supernatural thriller genre. It enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, a climax, and a resolution. It effectively conveys the protagonist's internal and external goals.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by juxtaposing Young Sarah's frantic search for escape with the older Sarah's dangerous trance. This duality enhances the horror elements, as it highlights the generational trauma and the cyclical nature of the evil surrounding them.
  • The use of sensory details, such as the 'long wiry hair' irritating Young Sarah's neck, adds a visceral quality to the scene, making the horror more tangible. However, the transition from the attic to the kitchen could be more clearly defined to avoid confusion about the spatial relationship between the two locations.
  • The dialogue is minimal but impactful, effectively conveying Young Sarah's desperation. However, the older Sarah's responses could be more pronounced to emphasize her disconnection from reality. This would heighten the emotional stakes and make the audience more invested in both characters' fates.
  • The imagery of the Dybbuk box transforming from beauty to horror is powerful, but it could benefit from a more detailed description of the initial beauty to create a stronger contrast with the subsequent horror. This would enhance the emotional impact of Young Sarah's realization of the box's true nature.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally effective, but the transition into the kitchen feels abrupt. A more gradual build-up to the kitchen scene could enhance the tension and allow for a more seamless flow between the two locations.
Suggestions
  • Consider expanding the description of the Dybbuk box's initial beauty to create a more striking contrast with its horrific transformation. This could involve using more vivid imagery or metaphors.
  • Clarify the transition from the attic to the kitchen by adding a brief moment of disorientation for Young Sarah, which would help the audience understand the shift in location and maintain the tension.
  • Enhance the older Sarah's dialogue to reflect her confusion and fear more vividly. This could involve her expressing fragmented thoughts or emotions that mirror Young Sarah's urgency.
  • Introduce a brief moment of reflection for Young Sarah as she observes the older Sarah, allowing her to process the gravity of the situation before she acts. This could deepen the emotional connection between the two characters.
  • Consider incorporating more sensory details in the kitchen scene, such as the sound of the knife against the chopping board or the smell of the food, to create a more immersive experience for the audience.



Scene 38 -  The Closet's Dark Temptation
INT. JASON’S CLOSET - CONTINUOUS *
Young Sarah finds herself back in Jason’s closet, now
returned to her adult form. Recognizing the surroundings, she
hears Jason’s voice outside. *
JASON (O.S.) *
Go to your room, Jason. Don’t call *
your sister a weirdo, Jason. *
SARAH *
Ryan! Jason! It’s me, let me out! *
He can't hear her. *
Silence. *
Sarah taps on the closet door... *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
Jason! It’s mom...can you hear me? *
Pink Rev. (08/21/24) 91.


Harder KNOCK...KNOCK...KNOCK. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
Jason, come here, it’s mom! *
JASON (O.S.) *
Mom? *
SARAH *
Yes! Yes, it’s me. I need you to *
let me out. *
JASON (O.S.) *
Why are you in the closet? *
SARAH *
I’ll explain later. Can you open *
the doors? *
Silence. *
Before she can speak again, dark, vile hands emerge from the
shadows, pinning her against the back wall. The closet door
creaks open. Jason stands there but can’t see her.

Struggling, Sarah watches as a demonic version of herself,
twisted and evil, emerges from the wall behind her.

DEMONIC SARAH *
...I have something for you. *
A music box slides out from the darkness toward Jason. *
JASON *
Is this a prank? *
He steps closer, suspicion in his eyes.

DEMONIC SARAH *
I have one for May too. *
JASON *
This is weird, will you just come *
out? *
Locking eyes with the music box he takes another step. *
DEMONIC SARAH *
Open it. *
Jason bends down to inspect the box.

JASON *
Looks like a baby’s toy. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 92.


DEMONIC SARAH *
(Forceful) *
Open it. *
Jason picks it up. *
DEMONIC SARAH (CONT’D) *
Open the box. *
Jason picks up the box, about to open it, when Sarah breaks
free and screams.

SARAH *
No! *
The music box flies back into the closet as the doors slam *
shut. Countless hands pull Sarah down into a black void. *
BLACK. *
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense and claustrophobic scene, adult Sarah finds herself trapped in Jason's closet, desperately trying to reach her son. As she calls out to him, a demonic version of herself emerges, presenting a sinister music box that lures Jason's attention. Despite Sarah's frantic warnings, Jason is tempted to open the box. Just as he is about to do so, Sarah breaks free and screams, causing the music box to fly back into the closet and the doors to slam shut, pulling Sarah into a dark void, leaving a chilling sense of dread.
Strengths
  • Effective use of supernatural elements
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Intriguing concept and setting
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Certain transitions could be smoother

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension, fear, and confusion through its supernatural elements, dark tone, and suspenseful pacing. The use of demonic entities, a mysterious music box, and a twisted version of the protagonist creates a chilling and memorable experience for the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a haunted Puritan church, a sinister Preacher Man, a Dybbuk box, and demonic entities is intriguing and well-executed. The scene effectively explores supernatural themes and builds a sense of dread and mystery.

Plot: 8

The plot unfolds with a series of eerie events, escalating tension, and supernatural encounters. The discovery of the Dybbuk box, the appearance of demonic entities, and the twisted version of the protagonist drive the narrative forward and keep the audience engaged.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the inner demons trope by manifesting them as a physical presence and incorporating a mysterious music box with supernatural powers. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, particularly Sarah and her children, experience fear, confusion, and danger in the scene. The introduction of a demonic version of Sarah adds depth to the character dynamics and enhances the sense of horror and suspense.

Character Changes: 7

Sarah and her children undergo a transformation as they confront supernatural forces, fear, and danger. The introduction of a demonic version of Sarah adds complexity to the character arc and highlights the internal struggles faced by the protagonists.

Internal Goal: 8

Sarah's internal goal in this scene is to escape the demonic version of herself and the dark void that threatens to consume her. This reflects her deeper fear of losing control or being overtaken by darkness.

External Goal: 7

Sarah's external goal is to convince Jason to let her out of the closet and protect him from the demonic presence. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, including the struggle against demonic entities, the mystery of the Dybbuk box, and the haunting past of the characters. The escalating tension and danger create a high level of conflict that keeps the audience on edge.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Sarah facing a powerful demonic presence that threatens her safety and sanity. The audience is left uncertain of the outcome, adding to the suspense and drama.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Sarah and her children confront demonic entities, a haunted past, and the threat of the Preacher Man. The danger, fear, and mystery surrounding the Dybbuk box raise the stakes and create a sense of urgency and peril for the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing new supernatural elements, escalating the danger faced by the characters, and deepening the mystery surrounding the Dybbuk box and the Preacher Man. The discovery of the Puritan church and the demonic entities propels the narrative towards a climactic resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected appearance of the demonic version of Sarah and the mysterious music box with supernatural powers. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the battle between light and darkness, good and evil. Sarah must confront her own inner demons and make a choice between succumbing to darkness or fighting for the light.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and confusion, leading to a strong emotional impact on the audience. The sense of dread, the danger faced by the characters, and the supernatural elements contribute to a chilling and memorable experience.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys fear, tension, and confusion. The interactions between Sarah, Jason, and the demonic version of Sarah add to the eerie atmosphere and build suspense.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its supernatural elements, dramatic tension, and emotional stakes. The audience is drawn into Sarah's struggle and the mystery surrounding the demonic presence.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension leading to a climactic confrontation between Sarah and her demonic self. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and dialogue that enhance the visual and emotional impact of the events.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that builds tension and suspense effectively, leading to a climactic moment of confrontation between Sarah and her demonic self.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by placing Sarah in a confined space, heightening the stakes as she tries to communicate with Jason. However, the dialogue could be more dynamic; it feels somewhat repetitive with Sarah continuously calling out to Jason. This could be streamlined to maintain urgency without losing clarity.
  • The introduction of the demonic version of Sarah is a strong visual element, but the transition from Sarah's desperate pleas to the emergence of the demon could be more gradual. This would enhance the horror aspect by allowing the audience to feel the dread building before the reveal.
  • Jason's skepticism is a good character trait, but his dialogue could be more varied to reflect his growing unease. Instead of simply questioning why Sarah is in the closet, he could express more concern or confusion, which would deepen his character and the emotional stakes.
  • The use of the music box as a plot device is intriguing, but it could be more clearly tied to the overall narrative. A brief moment where Sarah reflects on the significance of the music box before the demon appears could provide context and heighten the emotional impact.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Sarah being pulled into a void, which is effective for suspense but may leave the audience feeling disoriented. A brief moment of reflection or a final desperate plea from Sarah could provide a more satisfying emotional closure before the transition.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the dialogue to eliminate redundancy. For example, instead of repeating 'Jason, it’s mom,' you could have her say it once and then follow up with a more urgent plea.
  • Enhance the build-up to the demonic reveal by incorporating subtle hints of its presence before it fully emerges. This could include eerie sounds or shadows that suggest something is lurking.
  • Give Jason more varied reactions to the situation. Instead of just questioning Sarah, he could express fear or confusion, which would make his character more relatable and the scene more engaging.
  • Add a moment where Sarah acknowledges the music box's significance, perhaps recalling a memory associated with it. This would deepen the emotional stakes and connect the audience more to her plight.
  • Consider adding a moment of reflection or a final emotional beat for Sarah before she is pulled into the void. This could enhance the impact of her struggle and make the transition feel more cohesive.



Scene 39 -  Confronting the Entity
INT. BLACK VOID - SAME *
Sarah is enveloped in darkness, surrounded by endless *
intertwining square symbols. Under a dim light, she pulls
herself up. *
SARAH *
Hello? *
Projected from the shadows like an old film, Sarah sees her *
mother June, Emma, and her father running, terrified. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
Mom? Emma! *
They can hear or see her. *
FATHER *
(To both) *
Don’t make a sound. *
Sarah reaches out, but her hand passes through them like *
light. *
EMMA *
Where’s Sarah? *
June’s pained glance at her husband says it all. *
SARAH *
(Whimpering) *
I’m here. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 93.


The scraping sound of an axe drags across the floor, putting *
them on high alert. *
Emma tries to run toward the darkness, but June holds her *
back.
EMMA *
...Sarah! *
She is forcefully held back. *
JUNE *
Emma, no...it’s not her. *
FATHER *
Go, now. *
As he pushes them away, the axe strikes the back of his head. *
Sarah, horrified, sees only the hem of a white nightgown.
SARAH
(Confused)
What? I don’t understand! *
TAP... TAP... TAP... comes from the void. Sarah spins *
frantically, searching for the source.
THE PREACHER MAN (O.S.) *
Welcome home... *
A monolithic elevator door looms in the distance. The tapping *
from the Preacher Man’s cane echoes as his shadow shifts
around her. *
THE PREACHER MAN (O.S.) (CONT’D) *
Your memories deceive you. You are *
not who you think you are, Sarah... *
As she runs, hanging corpses of her mother drop from the *
void, colliding with her. The Entity leaps from the corpses,
chasing her, its locket gleaming.
Distracted by the looming threat, Sarah crashes into a
mirror, falling to the floor. Rising, she notices her
reflection is... different. The Entity glares back at her
from the other side of the mirror.

Her reflection stays still, except for the eyes, which follow
her every move.

THE PREACHER MAN (O.S.) (CONT’D) *
It’s time to see... *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 94.


SARAH *
...WHAT DO YOU WANT? *
THE PREACHER MAN (O.S.) *
...To let us back in... *
Staring into the mirror, Sarah realizes the truth - she is *
the Entity.
She turns, her reflection now showing the monstrous form.
Overwhelmed, tears fill her eyes as the Preacher Man’s hand
grips her shoulder
THE PREACHER MAN (O.S.) (CONT’D) *
Let us in. *
Her head jerks back, her eyes rolling to the back of her *
head. *
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Supernatural"]

Summary In a surreal black void, Sarah witnesses her family's terror as they face an unseen danger. Despite her desperate attempts to connect with them, she realizes they cannot see or hear her. As her father is attacked, the Preacher Man reveals the unsettling truth about Sarah's identity as the Entity. Overwhelmed by horror, Sarah's reflection transforms into the monstrous form of the Entity, leaving her to confront the dark reality of her true self.
Strengths
  • Effective use of horror elements
  • Intriguing psychological exploration
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • Eerie atmosphere
  • Shocking revelations
Weaknesses
  • Sparse dialogue
  • Complex narrative structure

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly effective in building tension, creating a sense of dread, and delivering a series of shocking revelations. The intricate blend of horror elements, psychological turmoil, and supernatural occurrences keeps the audience engaged and unsettled throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of facing one's inner darkness, revisiting traumatic memories, and dealing with a malevolent entity from the past is executed with skill and creativity. The scene effectively explores the protagonist's psychological struggles and the supernatural forces at play.

Plot: 8

The plot unfolds in a nonlinear fashion, weaving together past and present events to reveal the protagonist's inner turmoil and the sinister history of the Preacher Man. The escalating tension, unexpected twists, and eerie revelations drive the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene is highly original in its depiction of a supernatural and introspective journey of self-discovery. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the eerie atmosphere.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, particularly Sarah, are well-developed and undergo significant emotional and psychological challenges in the scene. The presence of the Entity adds a layer of complexity to the character dynamics and heightens the stakes.

Character Changes: 8

Sarah undergoes a significant transformation in the scene, confronting her inner demons, facing her past traumas, and realizing her connection to the malevolent Entity. The harrowing experiences she endures lead to a profound shift in her character and worldview.

Internal Goal: 9

Sarah's internal goal in this scene is to understand her true identity and come to terms with the revelation that she is the Entity. This reflects her deeper need for self-discovery and acceptance.

External Goal: 8

Sarah's external goal is to escape the looming threat of the Entity and the Preacher Man. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, including Sarah's struggle with her past, the malevolent Entity's influence, and the imminent danger faced by her children. The escalating tension and sense of impending doom heighten the conflict to a gripping level.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the looming threat of the Entity and the Preacher Man creating a sense of danger and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are incredibly high in the scene, with the characters facing imminent danger from supernatural forces, psychological torment, and the threat of losing their loved ones. The intense conflicts, chilling revelations, and sense of impending doom raise the stakes to a gripping level.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by revealing crucial information about the protagonist's past, the nature of the malevolent Entity, and the escalating threats faced by the characters. The shocking revelations and intense developments drive the narrative towards a climactic resolution.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected revelation of Sarah's true identity and the supernatural elements that challenge her perception of reality.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the theme of identity and self-perception. Sarah's realization that she is the Entity challenges her beliefs about who she thought she was.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, eliciting fear, suspense, and empathy for the characters. The harrowing experiences, psychological turmoil, and supernatural elements combine to create a deeply affecting and memorable sequence.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is sparse but impactful, conveying the characters' fear, confusion, and desperation effectively. The chilling lines spoken by the Preacher Man and the haunting exchanges between Sarah and her younger self enhance the eerie atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, mysterious elements, and the protagonist's internal and external conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued by the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for its genre, enhancing readability and visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows an expected structure for its genre, effectively building tension and revealing key plot points.


Critique
  • The scene effectively creates a sense of dread and confusion, immersing the audience in Sarah's psychological turmoil. The use of the black void and the intertwining square symbols serves as a strong visual metaphor for her fragmented memories and identity crisis.
  • The dialogue is minimal yet impactful, particularly Sarah's desperate calls to her family. However, the emotional weight could be enhanced by adding more internal conflict or reflection from Sarah as she witnesses her family's fear and her father's demise.
  • The introduction of the Preacher Man adds a layer of menace, but his dialogue could be more chilling. Instead of simply stating that 'your memories deceive you,' consider incorporating a more personal taunt that connects to Sarah's past, making it feel more invasive and threatening.
  • The imagery of hanging corpses and the Entity chasing Sarah is visually striking, but it may benefit from clearer descriptions to ensure the audience fully grasps the horror of the moment. The transition from the corpses to the mirror could be smoother to maintain the flow of tension.
  • The climax of the scene, where Sarah realizes she is the Entity, is powerful but could be foreshadowed earlier in the scene. Subtle hints or visual cues leading up to this revelation would enhance the impact and make the twist feel more earned.
Suggestions
  • Consider expanding Sarah's internal monologue or emotional reactions as she witnesses her family's fear and her father's attack. This could deepen the audience's connection to her character.
  • Revise the Preacher Man's dialogue to include more personal and haunting elements that directly relate to Sarah's past, enhancing the psychological horror.
  • Clarify the visual transitions, especially between the hanging corpses and the mirror scene, to ensure the audience can follow the action without losing tension.
  • Add foreshadowing elements throughout the scene that hint at Sarah's connection to the Entity, such as subtle reflections or shadows that mimic her movements before the reveal.
  • Consider using sound design to amplify the atmosphere, such as eerie whispers or distorted lullabies that echo in the void, enhancing the sense of dread and confusion.



Scene 40 -  Confronting the Entity
INT. COLONIAL HOUSE - FLASHBACK *
Quick, impactful flashes of the past reveal the truth: *
- Young Sarah and her family move in, full of love and
laughter.

- Paul discovers the Dybbuk box in the attic.

- Heated arguments between June and Paul over his drinking.

- Young Sarah opens the Dybbuk box, allowing the Entity to
possess her.

- The family suffers sleep paralysis as young Sarah looms
menacingly over them.

- Paul, paralyzed on the sofa, watches helplessly as young
Sarah takes an axe off the wall.
- In the master bedroom, young Sarah buries the axe into
Paul's skull.

- June and Emma, terrified, cower against the wall as young
Sarah, eyes glowing yellow, pushes a music box toward them
from under the bed. *
END OF FLASHBACK. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 95.


INT. VOID - SAME *
Sarah’s face is etched with devastation. She finally *
understands what she did.
THE PREACHER MAN (O.S.) *
Let us back in. *
Determination replaces her despair. The mirror becomes *
transparent, revealing the Entity with the locket. Summoning
all her strength, Sarah punches through the mirror, grabs the
locket, and blasts the Entity and Preacher Man into the
darkness.
The void dissolves, revealing the rose window. *

INT. COLONIAL HOUSE. ROSE WINDOW - DAY *
Looking out, Sarah watches her past self, Jason, and May *
arrive outside the house. She pounds on the window.
SARAH
No! Don’t come in here! *
May glances up, and Sarah presses her hands to the glass. *
SARAH (CONT’D)
...May! It’s Mommy! May!

She hears the cracking of the Entity coming from the *
elongated hallway so she pushes the locket through the crack *
in the window and it drops into the shrubs below. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
Keep it safe! *
The Entity draws closer, eyes burning from the ceiling. *
Sarah's only escape is the attic. *

INT. ATTIC/PURITAN CHURCH. NAVE - NIGHT *
Opening the attic door, Sarah steps into the Puritan nave. *
Every surface is made of interconnected wooden music boxes. *

INT. PURITAN CHURCH. CHAPEL - SAME

Jason and May’s music boxes are fully engraved with their
names. The Preacher Man turns, revealing them.
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 96.


THE PREACHER MAN
Now we lay you down to sleep,
I pray the Lord, your soul we
keep...but first, the eyes.

IN THE NAVE *
Sarah sees the Dybbuk box, open and radiating heat, at the *
front of the chancel. A cracking sound makes her
spin—children covered in cloth sit in the stalls, each
holding a music box. She grabs one, winds it, and the lid
springs open. The box’s owner rises, the cloth slipping away
as their soul ascends through the roof.
IN THE CHAPEL *
The Preacher Man twitches, sensing something. *
BACK IN THE NAVE *
A realization hits Sarah. She rushes to another music box, *
winds it, and releases another soul.
IN THE CHAPEL *
The Preacher Man jerks, his attention snapping toward the *
chapel door.
BACK IN THE NAVE *
Sarah’s determination ignites as she eyes the trapped souls. *
Fueled with urgency, she moves swiftly from box to box,
freeing as many souls as she can. Spotting the candle stands,
an idea sparks. Grabbing a cloth, she tips over one stand,
setting it ablaze, then quickly ignites another, and another.
Her gaze shifts to the Dybbuk box. Wrapping cloth around it,
she drops a candle. Flames viciously consume the box, licking
up its sides.

IN THE CHAPEL *
The Preacher Man jerks uncontrollably, his body writhing in *
agony as it begins to burn like paper catching fire. Jason
and May watch in terror as his skin chars, revealing the
Entity beneath. Its eyes glow an intense yellow before they
bubble and melt. A deafening roar of pain reverberates
through the church, shaking its very foundations. The Entity
swells, towering over the chapel.
May screams — a scream Sarah instantly recognizes.
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 97.


IN THE NAVE
Looking towards the Chapel.
SARAH *
May... *
She races toward the chapel. *
BACK IN THE CHAPEL *
Jason and May are paralyzed by fear as the Entity unleashes a *
shockwave, obliterating the chapel walls and sending debris
through the nave.

IN THE NAVE *
The shockwave knocks Sarah off her feet as the monstrous *
Entity smashes through the rubble, tearing down beams and
thrashing in agony. *
JASON (O.S.) *
Somebody help us!!! *
Jason’s cry pulls Sarah to her feet. She charges through the *
smoke and flames, reaching Jason and May. *
Jason and May cry with relief. *
JASON (CONT’D)
Mom! *
SARAH *
I’m here. *
IN THE NAVE *
As the church crumbles around them, revealing sections of the *
colonial home, the Entity shrinks, its power fading as the
Dybbuk box burns. It crawls toward the box, desperate.
Sarah pulls Jason and May into the nave, but they’re trapped
by encroaching flames. The aisle is blocked by the weakened
but still terrifying Entity.

JASON *
What do we do? *
Knowing there's no escape, Sarah huddles them close. The *
locket under May’s shirt begins to glow and burn. Wincing,
May pulls it off. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 98.


MAY *
The lady gave it to me! *
Sarah stares at the locket in disbelief. The Entity elongates *
its arm, grabbing May and pulling her away.
SARAH *
No! Get off her! *
Sarah holds on tight, but the Entity rips May free and forces *
its hand into her mouth. Desperate, Sarah raises the locket
toward the Entity. The locket glows brighter, emitting a
powerful light. The Entity recoils, fear in its eyes for the
first time.
SARAH (CONT’D) *
GET OFF HER! *
The locket bursts open, releasing a blinding, explosive *
energy that obliterates everything in its path.

OVER WHITE
Genres: ["Horror","Fantasy","Supernatural"]

Summary In a haunting flashback, Sarah uncovers her family's tragic past linked to the Dybbuk box and her own possession. Now in a surreal void, she battles the Entity and the Preacher Man, striving to protect her children, Jason and May. As she frees trapped souls in a Puritan church, Sarah ignites a fire to destroy the Dybbuk box, causing the Entity to writhe in pain. Amidst the chaos, she rescues Jason but loses May to the Entity. In a desperate act, Sarah uses a glowing locket to confront the Entity, culminating in a powerful explosion that marks a climactic showdown.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Emotional depth
  • Innovative resolution
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Possible confusion with the supernatural elements
  • Complexity of the plot

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a well-executed blend of horror, fantasy, and supernatural elements. The emotional impact, high stakes, and character development contribute to a compelling narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using a powerful locket as a symbol of hope and sacrifice to defeat the Entity and the Preacher Man is innovative and adds depth to the scene. The integration of past events through flashbacks enhances the understanding of the characters' motivations.

Plot: 8

The plot is intense and gripping, with a clear escalation of tension leading to a climactic showdown between Sarah, the Entity, and the Preacher Man. The resolution is satisfying and ties up the various storylines effectively.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique supernatural elements like possession by an Entity and the use of music boxes to release trapped souls. The authenticity of characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Sarah, Jason, and May, undergo significant development in this scene. Their actions and reactions are driven by fear, determination, and sacrifice, adding depth to their personalities.

Character Changes: 8

The characters, especially Sarah, undergo significant changes in this scene, facing their fears, making sacrifices, and ultimately finding strength and redemption. Their growth adds depth to the narrative and enhances the emotional impact.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect her family and confront her past mistakes. This reflects her deeper need for redemption and reconciliation.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to defeat the Entity and save her family from its influence. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving physical, emotional, and supernatural elements. The stakes are high, with the characters facing imminent danger and having to make difficult choices.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the Entity posing a significant threat to the protagonist and her family, creating uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are incredibly high, with the characters facing imminent danger, the threat of the Entity and the Preacher Man, and the potential loss of their loved ones. The sacrifices made and the ultimate victory add weight to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, resolving key conflicts, revealing important truths, and setting the stage for the final act. The resolution of the conflict between Sarah, the Entity, and the Preacher Man propels the narrative towards its conclusion.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the protagonist's actions and the supernatural elements at play.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the battle between good and evil, redemption and damnation. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs in forgiveness and the power of love.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and shock to relief and determination. The sacrifices made by the characters and the resolution of the conflict create a powerful emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, adding to the tension and drama of the scene. The interactions between the characters feel authentic and contribute to the overall atmosphere.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and emotional intensity.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, building tension and suspense effectively towards the climax.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, enhancing the reader's understanding of the action and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, building tension and conflict towards a climactic resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively utilizes flashbacks to convey the tragic history of Sarah's family, creating a strong emotional impact. However, the transitions between the past and present could be more fluid to enhance the viewer's understanding of the timeline.
  • The pacing of the scene is rapid, which works well for building tension, but it may sacrifice clarity. Some key moments, such as the family's initial happiness and the subsequent descent into horror, could benefit from a bit more breathing room to allow the audience to fully absorb the emotional weight of these events.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which is appropriate for the tense atmosphere, but incorporating a few lines that hint at the family's dynamics or foreshadow the impending doom could deepen the audience's connection to the characters.
  • The visual imagery is strong, particularly the juxtaposition of the loving family moments against the horrific actions of young Sarah. However, the description of the Entity and its actions could be more vivid to heighten the horror elements and make the threat feel more immediate.
  • The climax of the scene, where young Sarah commits the violent act against Paul, is shocking but could be more impactful if it were built up with more tension leading to that moment. The audience should feel the weight of the act rather than just witnessing it.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of dialogue or interaction between the family members during the happier flashbacks to establish their relationships more clearly before the horror unfolds.
  • Introduce a visual motif or symbol that recurs throughout the flashbacks and present scenes, reinforcing the connection between Sarah's past and present struggles.
  • Expand on the emotional turmoil of young Sarah as she opens the Dybbuk box. This could be done through internal monologue or visual cues that show her hesitation or fear, making her eventual actions more tragic.
  • Incorporate sensory details to enhance the atmosphere, such as sounds or smells that evoke the family's initial happiness versus the horror that follows, creating a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Consider ending the flashback with a more explicit connection to the present, perhaps by showing how the consequences of young Sarah's actions continue to haunt her in the void, reinforcing the theme of inescapable trauma.



Scene 41 -  Descent into Darkness
INT. COLONIAL HOUSE. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER *
Sarah opens her eyes. They’re back in the colonial house, *
Jason by her side, and May unconscious. The locket is gone.
Black smoke creeps along the floor. *
SARAH *
We need to go. *
JASON *
What about, Dad? *
Sarah hesitates, looking at May. *
SARAH *
I don't know where he is. *
Scooping up May, they head for the door. *
JASON *
Mom, please...we need to look for *
him. *
Ignoring him, Sarah pulls Jason outside. *

EXT. COLONIAL HOUSE - LATER *
Sarah hurries down the drive with May in her arms, while *
Jason pleads with her. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 99.


JASON *
We can’t just leave him! *
Sarah ignores him and keeps moving.
JASON (CONT’D) *
Mom, stop! *
Sarah spins around. *
SARAH *
That man in there is not your dad! *
Jason’s devastated. *
JASON *
He’ll always be my dad. *
With that, Jason turns and runs back towards the house. *
SARAH *
Jason! Don’t go in there! *
Conflicted, Sarah sets May down and chases after him. *
SARAH (CONT’D) *
I’ll be right back, sweetie. *
Sarah chases Jason who disappears into the house. *

INT. COLONIAL HOUSE - CONTINUOUS *
Sarah enters the foyer but doesn’t see Jason. *
SARAH *
(Hushed) *
Jas? *
Passing the living room, she notices the Dybbuk box with its *
lid open and hears the lullaby playing.
RYAN (O.S.) *
Now we lay you down to sleep,
I pray the Lord, your soul we keep. *
Before she can react, Ryan grabs her and drags her toward the *
box. She glimpses his burning yellow eyes. *
SARAH *
Ryan, stop! *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 100.


Sarah clings to the Dybbuk box, but Ryan’s strength is *
overwhelming. She elbows him and dashes for the door, only to
find it locked. She races upstairs, with Ryan in pursuit.

INT. UPSTAIRS. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS *
Sarah scrambles for a hiding spot and slips into the master *
bedroom. *

INT. MASTER BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS *
Crawling under the bed, Sarah holds her breath as Ryan’s *
footsteps approach, tapping an axe along the floor.
RYAN (O.S.) *
Sarah... *
Sarah covers her mouth, trembling *
RYAN (O.S.) (CONT’D) *
I have something for you. *
TAP...TAP...TAP... *
The footsteps move away, giving Sarah a chance. She *
cautiously emerges and peeks through the door. Ryan stands by
the rose window with the axe, May and Jason unconscious at
his feet. The locket hangs around his neck, and the Dybbuk
box lies open between them.

Sarah’s heart races. She rushes forward but is halted by
Ryan, who raises the axe over May’s neck. *
RYAN (CONT’D) *
Uh, uh, uh. *
Sarah freezes. *
SARAH *
Ryan, stop! Please! *
RYAN *
I can’t be stopped. I am forever. *
SARAH *
Take me. Let her go and just take *
me! *
Ryan’s sinister laugh sends shivers down Sarah’s spine as he *
drops the axe and lifts Jason toward the Dybbuk box. *
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 101.


SARAH (CONT’D) *
No! Ryan, listen!...I know you can *
hear me...please, take me instead. *
Ryan keeps moving as Jason wakes. *
JASON *
(Confused) *
Dad? What’s happening? *
Jason’s voice causes Ryan to pause, his eyes flickering *
between normal and yellow. Determined, Sarah focuses on
Jason. *
SARAH *
Jas, talk to him... *
Struggling to free himself, but Ryan’s hold is immense. *
JASON *
Mom?! *
SARAH *
Talk to him, Jason... *
JASON *
Dad, please let me go... *
Ryan stops. His eyes are normal as he looks at Jason. *
JASON (CONT’D) *
Don’t do this, dad...I love you. *
Tears roll down Ryan’s face as he fights the possession. *
RYAN *
Jas? I can’t......It’s too *
strong...I love you so much... *
SARAH *
You are stronger than that *
thing...we love you so much...fight *
it, Ryan. *
Ryan releases Jason, tears streaming. *
RYAN *
I...love...you too. *
A sickening crack echoes as Ryan’s face contorts in horror. *
The axe, embedded in his skull, reveals itself.
Yellow Rev. (09/02/24) 102.


SARAH *
(Despair) *
No!!!!!!! *
Ryan’s lifeless body drops head first, along with the locket, *
into the Dybbuk box, and the lid snaps shut. *
The fire creeps along the walls towards them as a shocked *
Jason, attempts to pull a catatonic Sarah away. *
JASON *
Mom...we need to go... *
He rushes and takes an emotionless May’s hand and with all *
his might, drags Sarah away. *
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a tense and tragic scene, Sarah awakens in a colonial house filled with black smoke, desperate to escape with her unconscious daughter May. While Jason insists on searching for his possessed father Ryan, Sarah carries May outside. Inside, Sarah confronts Ryan, who threatens them with an axe. A moment of clarity occurs when Jason speaks to his father, but Ryan's possession ultimately leads to his death, sealing the Dybbuk box as fire engulfs the room. The scene ends with Sarah in despair over Ryan's fate as Jason pulls her away to safety.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Emotional depth
  • Shocking twists
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be too intense for sensitive viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, emotionally charged, and filled with suspense, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats. The shocking twist at the end adds a layer of complexity and depth to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of possession, supernatural forces, and family dynamics is well-executed in the scene. The use of the Dybbuk box and the transformation of Ryan add depth to the storyline.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging, with a strong build-up of tension and conflict. The resolution of the confrontation between Sarah, Ryan, and the Dybbuk box is both shocking and satisfying.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique supernatural elements like the Dybbuk box and explores themes of possession and love in a fresh and engaging way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Sarah and Ryan, are well-developed and their emotional journey is compelling. The conflict between them adds depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Sarah and Ryan undergo significant changes in the scene, from confrontation and despair to sacrifice and redemption, adding depth to their characters.

Internal Goal: 9

Sarah's internal goal is to protect her children and confront the supernatural threat posed by Ryan. This reflects her deeper need for safety and security for her family.

External Goal: 8

Sarah's external goal is to escape the colonial house and survive the encounter with Ryan. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Sarah, Ryan, and the supernatural forces is intense and drives the narrative forward, keeping the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Ryan posing a significant threat to Sarah and her family. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the lives of the characters and the fate of their family hanging in the balance, adding tension and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, resolving a major conflict while setting up new challenges and mysteries for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the supernatural elements, unexpected character choices, and the shifting dynamics between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the struggle between love and possession. Sarah's belief in the power of love to overcome evil is challenged by Ryan's possession and the threat he poses to her family.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, from fear and despair to love and shock, creating a powerful and memorable experience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and emotional, effectively conveying the characters' inner turmoil and the high stakes of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, suspenseful atmosphere, and emotional depth. The conflict and stakes are high, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a gradual increase in suspense leading to a climactic confrontation and resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected format for a horror genre screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, a climax, and a resolution. The pacing and formatting contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The emotional stakes in this scene are high, particularly with Sarah's conflict between saving her children and confronting the possessed Ryan. However, the dialogue could be more impactful. Phrases like 'That man in there is not your dad!' feel somewhat clichéd and could benefit from more nuanced language that reflects Sarah's deep emotional turmoil.
  • The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, but there are moments where the action could be more vividly described. For instance, when Sarah is dragged toward the Dybbuk box, the physical struggle could be elaborated to heighten the sense of danger and urgency.
  • The reveal of Ryan's possession and the emotional confrontation with Jason is powerful, but the transition from Ryan's moment of clarity to his death feels abrupt. More internal conflict or hesitation from Ryan could enhance the tragedy of the moment, making his ultimate fate more impactful.
  • The visual imagery is strong, particularly with the black smoke and the Dybbuk box, but the scene could benefit from more sensory details. Describing the sounds, smells, or even the temperature of the air could immerse the audience further into the horror of the situation.
  • The scene ends with a strong visual of Ryan's body falling into the Dybbuk box, but the emotional aftermath for Sarah and Jason could be explored further. Their reactions to Ryan's death could be more pronounced, allowing the audience to fully grasp the weight of their loss.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it more unique and reflective of the characters' emotional states. For example, instead of stating 'That man in there is not your dad!', Sarah could express her feelings in a way that reveals her fear and desperation more vividly.
  • Enhance the physical struggle between Sarah and Ryan by adding more descriptive action lines that convey the intensity of the moment. This could include details about their movements, the sounds of the struggle, and Sarah's physical sensations.
  • Add a moment of hesitation or internal conflict for Ryan before his death to deepen the emotional impact. This could involve him struggling against the possession longer or showing a flicker of recognition before the axe is revealed.
  • Incorporate more sensory details throughout the scene to create a richer atmosphere. Describe the oppressive heat of the smoke, the chilling sound of the lullaby, or the acrid smell of burning wood to heighten the horror.
  • After Ryan's death, take a moment to explore Sarah and Jason's emotional reactions. This could involve a brief exchange of words or a shared moment of grief that allows the audience to process the tragedy alongside the characters.



Scene 42 -  Escape from the Flames
EXT. COLONIAL HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER *
Jason desperately pulls Sarah and May out of the house and *
down the driveway. *

INT. HALLWAY - SAME *
The Dybbuk box, surrounded by flames, remains untouched. The
locks snap open, and a cane with a red ribbon pushes the lid
up. The Preacher Man rises from the box, the locket around
his neck.

EXT. COLONIAL HOUSE. DRIVEWAY - SAME *
At the end of the driveway, Sarah and Jason cling to each *
other. May looks back at the burning house. As she turns, her
eyes flicker yellow, and a sinister smile creeps across her
face. *
FADE OUT
THE END
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense and urgent scene, Jason frantically pulls Sarah and May away from a burning colonial house, where the Dybbuk box remains intact amidst the flames. As they escape, the Preacher Man ominously rises from the box, signaling a malevolent presence. While Sarah is in a catatonic state, May initially appears emotionless but reveals a sinister transformation with flickering yellow eyes and a chilling smile. The scene ends with May turning back to the house, hinting at a dark change within her.
Strengths
  • Effective use of horror elements
  • Intriguing mystery
  • Strong emotional impact
  • High level of conflict
  • Compelling theme of family and protection
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be further enhanced to differentiate character voices

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively combines horror, mystery, and thriller elements to create a chilling and suspenseful atmosphere. The use of supernatural elements, possession, and a sinister preacher adds depth to the story, keeping the audience engaged and on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a family facing supernatural threats, possession, and a sinister preacher is well-executed in the scene. The use of a Dybbuk box, dark void, and haunting presence adds layers of complexity to the story, creating a compelling narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot is intricate and engaging, with multiple layers of mystery and suspense. The events unfold in a way that keeps the audience guessing and on edge, leading to a climactic confrontation with the supernatural forces at play.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique supernatural elements like the Dybbuk box and the Preacher Man, adding freshness to the horror genre. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed and face intense emotional and physical challenges in the scene. Their reactions to the supernatural events add depth to the story and keep the audience invested in their fates.

Character Changes: 7

At least one character, Sarah, undergoes a significant transformation in the scene as she confronts her past traumas, protects her children, and faces the supernatural threats head-on. This adds depth to her character arc and drives the narrative forward.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is likely survival and protection of loved ones. The fear and desperation in Jason's actions reflect his deeper need for safety and security.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape the burning house and the supernatural threat represented by the Preacher Man.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing supernatural threats, possession, and a sinister preacher. The tension and suspense are palpable, keeping the audience on edge throughout.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the characters facing a supernatural threat that is difficult to overcome. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high in the scene, with the characters facing supernatural threats, possession, and the potential loss of their loved ones. The intense danger and suspense drive the narrative forward and keep the audience on edge.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, revealing key plot points, escalating the conflict, and setting up the climax of the narrative. It keeps the audience engaged and eager to see how the events will unfold.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden appearance of the Preacher Man and May's sinister transformation. The audience is left wondering about the characters' fates and the nature of the supernatural threat.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene could be the battle between good and evil, as represented by the sinister transformation of May and the appearance of the Preacher Man.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, with the characters facing fear, shock, and desperation in the face of supernatural forces. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and invested in their fates.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations. It adds to the suspense and tension of the scene, but could be further enhanced to bring out the unique voices of each character.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, supernatural elements, and character dynamics. The audience is drawn into the mystery and suspense, eager to see what happens next.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension, a climactic reveal of the Preacher Man, and a suspenseful cliffhanger ending. The rhythm of the action keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard screenplay formatting conventions, making it easy to visualize and understand the action and dialogue. The descriptions are clear and concise.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical horror genre structure with escalating tension, a supernatural threat, and a cliffhanger ending. The pacing and formatting contribute to the suspenseful atmosphere.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and suspense as it concludes the story, but it could benefit from more emotional depth. The moment of escape feels rushed, and the emotional stakes for Sarah and Jason could be heightened by exploring their feelings about leaving the house and the danger they just faced.
  • The transition from the exterior to the interior of the house is abrupt. While the visual of the Dybbuk box surrounded by flames is striking, the scene could better connect the two locations by emphasizing the chaos and urgency of the moment. Consider adding sensory details that convey the heat, smoke, and sounds of destruction.
  • The introduction of the Preacher Man rising from the Dybbuk box is a powerful visual, but it lacks context. The audience may benefit from a brief moment of reflection from Sarah or Jason that acknowledges the horror of what is happening, enhancing the emotional impact of this supernatural event.
  • May's transformation into a sinister figure is intriguing, but it feels somewhat abrupt. Providing a hint of her internal struggle or a moment of hesitation before her eyes flicker yellow could create a more chilling effect and deepen the audience's connection to her character.
  • The final line, 'FADE OUT THE END,' feels abrupt and lacks a sense of closure. Consider adding a line or two that reflects on the aftermath of their escape or the implications of the Preacher Man's return, leaving the audience with a lingering sense of dread.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate internal monologues or dialogue that express Sarah's and Jason's fears and regrets as they escape, adding emotional weight to their actions.
  • Enhance the sensory details in the scene to create a more immersive experience, describing the heat of the flames, the smell of smoke, and the sounds of the house collapsing.
  • Add a moment of reflection for Sarah or Jason as they witness the Preacher Man's emergence, allowing them to process the horror of the situation and heightening the tension.
  • Consider foreshadowing May's transformation earlier in the scene to create a more gradual build-up to her sinister smile, making it more impactful.
  • Revise the ending to include a brief moment that hints at the ongoing threat posed by the Preacher Man, perhaps through a chilling line of dialogue or a visual cue that leaves the audience unsettled.