Read Merch with its analysis


See Full Analysis here



Scene 1 -  Mysterious Discovery
EXT. PARKING LOT / ROOFTOP - EVENING

A giant billboard at the same level of the parking lot,
advertises “Big $ALE$ on all Merchandise”.


INT. GLENN'S CAR - EVENING

GLENN (60), suit and tie, two days stubble, sits in his blue
Chrysler sedan.

His car has aged nicely and it's clearly from a different
time, a different life. The exterior is immaculate and the
interior sparkly clean like it just rolled out of the
factory. A Veteran decal is the only personalized touch.

A small golden cross hangs from the rear view mirror.

Glenn is on the phone and, during the conversation, pays
attention to every car that passes by, checking their license
plates against a number on a piece of paper.

GLENN
I'm so sorry, honey, I won't make
it for dinner... Just got a call.
One more delivery... No, it's not
far, but with traffic... car rental
for Lancaster. They pay well...
What about Jenny?... Really? Great.
Is she coming for Christmas?... I
know, I know it's two months
away... Homemade lasagna? And you
tell me now! You are tempting me...
(jokingly) Hey, you want that villa
in Malibu or not! (More seriously)
We need every penny, right?... By
midnight, I know. (check the time)
Did she ask?... Good, no need to
tell her. Everything is good...
Today, I know. Hey, leave some in
the stove. will ya? I'll definitely
be hungry... Nope, not even a sip.

A grey Chevy Impala appears from the ramp. *

The plate matches. Glenn focuses.
2.


GLENN (CONT’D)
Don't wait for me... ah, my battery
is down... I know my fault, as
usual. Of course, I'll be careful,
don't worry. I love you. See you in
the morning.

Glenn hangs up and turns off his phone. He puts it in his
pocket.

The Chevy parks on the other side of the lot.

A young man (ROBBY, 21), hood covers his head, gets out of
the car. He opens the trunk and, with some effort, takes out
a four way lug wrench.

With a swift movement he removes a sticker from the license
plate revealing a different number.

Glenn checks a 2nd number from the paper. It’s a match, too.

He puts the wrench on the passenger seat and closes the door.

He hides the keys behind the front tire and leaves.

Glenn waits for Robby to walk down the stairs then he gets
out.

He takes out his key chain that has a little knife attached
with the logo of the Marine Corps and closes his car.

He looks around as he walks to the Chevy.


I/E. GREY CHEVY - EVENING

Glenn finds the keys behind the tire and opens the driver's
side door. He freezes.

On the driving seat there are residue of chips.

On the passenger seat an empty bag of chips, two empty fast
food boxes and a big stain of coffee. The cardboard coffee
cup is on the car floor and on top of it all, there is the
wrench.

Glenn cleans up the car the best he can and throws the trash
in a nearby bin.

He picks up the wrench. He looks towards the trunk, then
decides to put it back on the passenger seat.

Finally he sits down on the driver seat and closes the door.
3.


He opens the glove compartment and finds an envelope.

Inside the envelope, he finds $ 10k in small bills. Glenn
counts them quickly.

A cheap, prepaid mobile phone seats on the charger. Glenn *
digits and texts: Leaving now.

He selects the Map with a preprogrammed route.

Destination reads: Mojave.

Glenn is confused. He selects the destination again and the
same intersection in the middle of nowhere appears.

Still puzzled, he starts the navigator.

He adjusts the rear view mirrors and his seat. He also
adjusts the steering wheel.

He turns on the radio. Searches for a specific radio station
and sets the volume low.

Classical music comes out of the cheap Chevy speakers.

Glenn takes a deep breath. Something is still not quite right
yet.

He reaches into his pocket and takes out a small flask.

He hesitates and then swallows a quick sip. He closes the
flask and puts it back into his pocket.

He drives away.

Glenn is clearly a careful, precise driver. He uses the turn
signals, he doesn't speed, every curve is precise and the
tires never screech.

He keeps driving down floor after floor until he must slam on
the brakes, a boy (ROBBY) runs in front of him and rolls over
the hood dropping a paper bag.

The two exchange a glance, then Robby, clearly distraught,
picks up the bag and runs away.

Glenn drives away shaking his head.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Glenn, a 60-year-old man, sits in his car in a parking lot, checking license plates against a number on a piece of paper. He discovers a grey Chevy Impala with a matching license plate number and decides to take it. Glenn cleans up the car and finds $10k in an envelope. He sets the destination on the navigator to Mojave and drives away after encountering a boy, Robby, who drops a paper bag in front of his car.
Strengths
  • Intriguing setup
  • Natural dialogue
  • Tension and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Lack of clear direction for the delivery job

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively establishes the tone and atmosphere of a crime thriller. It creates intrigue and suspense through the mysterious actions of the characters and the unknown nature of the delivery job. The dialogue is natural and reveals important information about Glenn's personal life and motivations. The scene also includes a surprising moment of conflict when Robby runs in front of Glenn's car.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a delivery job with hidden motives and a protagonist with a mysterious past is intriguing and sets up potential conflicts and twists in the story. The use of a parking lot rooftop and the billboard advertising adds visual interest to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around Glenn's involvement in a delivery job and his interactions with his family. It establishes the main conflict of Glenn's double life and hints at potential dangers and secrets. The scene also introduces the character of Robby, who may play a significant role in the future.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of tracking down a specific car and person is not entirely unique, the specific details and actions of the protagonist add authenticity to the scene. The characters' actions and dialogue feel genuine and believable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene, particularly Glenn, are well-developed and intriguing. Glenn's dedication to his family and his secretive nature create a sense of complexity and depth. Robby's appearance adds a layer of tension and raises questions about his relationship with Glenn.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it sets up the potential for Glenn's character to undergo transformation as the story progresses. The introduction of Robby and the mysterious delivery job hint at future challenges and changes for Glenn.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to complete a delivery and make money. This reflects his need to provide for his family and his desire to fulfill his responsibilities.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to track down a specific car and person. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing and his determination to complete his task.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene contains a moderate level of conflict, primarily through the tension between Glenn and Robby. The conflict is mainly internal, as Glenn struggles with his double life and the potential risks involved. The moment when Robby runs in front of Glenn's car adds a sudden burst of external conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate. The protagonist faces challenges in tracking down the specific car and person, but the outcome is not entirely uncertain. The audience is left wondering about the motivations and intentions of the characters involved.

High Stakes: 8

The scene establishes high stakes for Glenn, as his involvement in the delivery job could have serious consequences for him and his family. The potential dangers and risks create a sense of urgency and tension.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing important characters, establishing the main conflict, and hinting at future events. It raises questions and creates anticipation for what will happen next. The introduction of the delivery job and Glenn's involvement in it adds intrigue and propels the plot.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as the protagonist finding a different car and the discovery of money and a phone. These elements add intrigue and raise questions about the direction of the story.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of tension and anticipation, which creates an emotional impact on the audience. Glenn's dedication to his family and the potential dangers he faces elicit empathy and concern. The unexpected moment with Robby running in front of the car adds a jolt of emotion.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is natural and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships. It effectively conveys Glenn's conflicted emotions and his desire to protect his family. The dialogue also creates suspense and raises questions about the nature of the delivery job.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it introduces a mystery and raises questions about the protagonist's motivations and the situation he is involved in. The dialogue and actions of the characters create tension and intrigue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense. The actions and dialogue are paced in a way that keeps the audience engaged and interested.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, character descriptions, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot, introduces the protagonist and his goals, and progresses with a series of actions and dialogue that build tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a generic billboard advertisement, which doesn't add much to the story or the characters. It could be removed without affecting the plot.
  • Glenn's car is described in detail, but it doesn't reveal much about his personality or backstory. It feels like a random detail that doesn't serve a purpose.
  • Glenn's phone conversation is long and detailed, but it doesn't reveal anything new about his relationship with his wife or daughter. It could be shortened or cut altogether.
  • The introduction of Robby feels sudden and unexplained. The audience doesn't know who he is or why he's important. This creates confusion and suspense, but it could also be frustrating for the reader.
  • The discovery of the chips and trash in the car is a surprising twist, but it's not clear why Glenn is cleaning it up. Is he trying to hide something? Is he worried about getting caught? This could be clarified through dialogue or action.
  • The envelope with $10k is a major plot point, but it's not clear who gave it to Glenn or why he's transporting it. This could be explained through a flashback or a conversation with a character we haven't seen yet.
  • The destination Mojave is mentioned twice, but it's not clear what Glenn's mission is or what he's going to do there. This creates a sense of mystery, but it could also be confusing for the reader.
  • The radio station Glenn listens to is classical music, but it's not clear why he prefers it or what it reveals about his personality. This could be explored through dialogue or flashback.
  • The encounter with Robby is tense and suspenseful, but it's not clear what Glenn's reaction means. Is he angry? Is he scared? Is he sympathetic? This could be clarified through dialogue or action.
  • The scene ends with Glenn driving away, but it's not clear what his next move is or what he's going to do next. This creates a sense of ambiguity, but it could also be frustrating for the reader.
Suggestions
  • Consider removing the billboard and focusing on Glenn's car and phone conversation to reveal more about his personality and backstory.
  • Consider shortening Glenn's phone conversation or cutting it altogether to focus on the action and suspense.
  • Consider introducing Robby earlier or explaining his background through dialogue or action to make his appearance less sudden.
  • Consider clarifying why Glenn is cleaning up the car and what he's trying to hide or protect.
  • Consider explaining who gave Glenn the envelope with $10k and why he's transporting it to add more context and tension to the story.
  • Consider exploring Glenn's preference for classical music through dialogue or flashback to reveal more about his personality and background.
  • Consider clarifying Glenn's reaction to Robby's appearance to add more tension and suspense to the scene.
  • Consider adding more context and tension to Glenn's next move to reveal more about his mission and personality.



Scene 2 -  Tense Confrontation in the Parking Lot
INT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT

Robby runs across the parking lot until he gets to the
stairs. He reaches inside the bag and takes out pieces of
newspaper.
4.


ROBBY
Fuck!

Robby looks around.

He looks down the stairs.

ROBBY (CONT’D)
(yelling)
Hey, I did all you wanted. I did my
part.

Noise comes from below. He sees a shadow moving on a lower
floor.

Robby decides to use the ramps to go down floor by floor,
watching his back and startling at every noise.

Once at the first floor he stops before crossing the gate. He
looks outside the building.

A few cars are parked and there is no incoming traffic into
the parking lot.

He adjusts his hood and starts walking along the outer
building wall.


EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT

From the third floor a figure emerges (MANOLO, 30s). He
signals one of the cars, a black SUV, that immediately starts
its engine.

Robby hears the sound of the car and looks back.

He sees the car driving away in the opposite direction. Robby
takes a deep breath and walks towards the next intersection.

He doesn't notice that the car makes a U-turn and the car *
accelerates towards him.

Robby crosses the intersection against the red traffic light. *
The black SUV bears down on him. Suddenly, from the opposite *
direction, a PATROL CAR turns its lights and sirens on. *

Robby stops. The black SUV zooms by, avoiding him. He cannot *
see the driver through the tinted windows.

As soon as the car passes Robby runs away but the patrol car *
pulls up in front of him. Two POLICEMEN jump out and draw *
their guns at Robby. Another police car approaches.
5.


POLICEMAN 1
Kneel down, kneel down, hands
behind your back.

From the third floor of the parking lot Manolo watches the *
whole situation and makes a call.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Robby runs across a parking lot, yelling that he did what was asked of him. He hears a car start its engine and sees it drive away. Unaware, he continues walking until a black SUV accelerates towards him but narrowly avoids hitting him. As he crosses an intersection against a red light, a patrol car with lights and sirens turns towards him. Robby runs away, but is confronted by police who draw their guns. Meanwhile, Manolo watches from the third floor and makes a call.
Strengths
  • Tense and suspenseful escape sequence
  • Surprising twist involving the police
  • Well-developed plot
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, with a well-executed escape sequence and a surprising turn of events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a getaway after a heist is a classic crime thriller trope, but the scene adds tension and excitement through the unexpected involvement of the police.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The escape and chase sequence is thrilling and adds momentum to the story.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a character trying to escape from the police is familiar, the use of newspaper as a tool and the unexpected twist with the black SUV and patrol car add some freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable and contributes to the tension and suspense.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their actions drive the plot forward. Robby's desperation and fear, as well as the mysterious Manolo, add intrigue to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Robby experiences a change in his situation and mindset as he goes from completing a task to being pursued by the police. This adds depth to his character.

Internal Goal: 8

Robby's internal goal in this scene is to escape from the situation and avoid getting caught by the police. This reflects his fear of getting caught and his desire to protect himself.

External Goal: 9

Robby's external goal in this scene is to evade the black SUV and the police. He wants to avoid being captured or arrested.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, with Robby trying to escape while being pursued by the police. The stakes are high, adding to the tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces multiple obstacles, including the black SUV and the police. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold, adding tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are extremely high in the scene, with Robby's life in danger and the police closing in on him. The consequences of failure are severe.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and raising the stakes for the characters involved.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements such as the black SUV and the patrol car, which create suspense and uncertainty about the protagonist's fate.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes emotions of fear, suspense, and desperation, particularly through Robby's predicament and the threat of the police.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the urgency and tension of the situation. However, there are limited dialogue interactions in this particular scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it immediately throws the protagonist into a dangerous situation and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with the fast-paced action and suspenseful moments.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and intense rhythm. The quick succession of actions and the use of short sentences create a sense of urgency and keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with an establishing shot, introduces the protagonist's goal, builds tension through obstacles and actions, and ends with a cliffhanger.


Critique
  • The scene starts abruptly without any context or introduction. The reader is left guessing about the characters and their relationships. It would be helpful to provide some backstory or exposition to establish the setting and characters.
  • The dialogue between Glenn and his wife feels forced and unnatural. It lacks the nuance and depth that would make it feel like a real conversation. Consider adding more subtext and nuance to the dialogue to make it more engaging and believable.
  • The scene lacks tension and suspense. The reader is not invested in the outcome of the scene because there is no clear conflict or stakes. Consider adding more obstacles or challenges for the characters to overcome to make the scene more engaging.
  • The scene feels disjointed and disconnected from the rest of the story. It's unclear how this scene fits into the larger narrative or what its purpose is. Consider tying this scene more closely to the overall plot and themes of the story.
  • The scene ends abruptly without any resolution or closure. The reader is left wondering what happens next and what the consequences of this scene will be. Consider adding a clear resolution or cliffhanger to the scene to leave the reader wanting more.
Suggestions
  • Consider starting the scene with a flashback or dream sequence to provide some context and backstory for the characters. This could help establish their relationships and motivations.
  • Add more subtext and nuance to the dialogue to make it feel more natural and engaging. Consider using body language, facial expressions, and other nonverbal cues to convey meaning and emotion.
  • Introduce more obstacles and challenges for the characters to overcome. This could include adding more characters, complicating the plot, or introducing new conflicts.
  • Tie this scene more closely to the overall plot and themes of the story. Consider adding more foreshadowing, symbolism, or other literary devices to connect this scene to the larger narrative.
  • Add a clear resolution or cliffhanger to the scene to leave the reader wanting more. This could include revealing a major plot twist, setting up a new conflict, or leaving the reader with a thought-provoking question.



Scene 3 -  Arrest and Trunk Inspection
INT. HECTOR'S CAR ON THE ROAD - NIGHT

HECTOR (45) drives along a road in the dark. In the distance
lights of a city sparkle. He has large tattoos on his arms, *
mostly Catholic symbols. He answers his phone.

HECTOR
What?

MANOLO (O.S.)
'Romeo' got arrested.

HECTOR
FEDS?

MANOLO (O.S.)
Doesn't look like. Local police.

HECTOR
For what?

MANOLO (O.S.)
Bad luck, you know, jaywalked... *

HECTOR
Bullshit. I don't believe in luck.
Check the local PDs.

MANOLO (O.S.)
Ok.

HECTOR
It's a long night. Don't fuck this
up.


EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT

Manolo hangs up just in time to see Robby handcuffed and
pushed into the police car.


INT/EXT. HECTOR'S CAR ON THE ROAD - NIGHT

Hector hangs up and reflects.
6.


Sitting on the passenger seat there is a young woman asleep,
ENOLA (21), native American.

ENOLA
(groggy)
What’s going on?

HECTOR
Nothing, it’s all good sweetheart.

He stops the car at the edge of the road, selects another
number and gets out.

HECTOR (CONT’D)
'Romeo' got arrested. You know what
to do.

Hector hangs up and looks back at Enola sleeping peacefully.


INT. SEAN'S CAR - NIGHT

SEAN (45), horseshoe mustache and glasses, sits in his car
with MIKE (35), well built, square jaw. Mike keeps playing
with his red hat.

MIKE
Problems?

Sean doesn’t answer but makes a call.

No answer.

SEAN
This fucker.


I/E. GREY CHEVY - NIGHT

Glenn looks at the phone that rings and "NO CALLER ID".

He hesitates. Then decides to wait.

The phone stops ringing.

Just a few seconds and the phone rings again. Same "NO CALLER
ID".

INTERCUT GREY CHEVY / SEAN’s CAR

Glenn hesitates. Reaches with his finger to tap on the green
button. The phone stops ringing, again.
7.


GLENN
Damn!

The phone rings again. This time Glenn pushes the green
button right away.

SEAN
Hey fucker, when I call, you
answer, deal?

Glenn doesn't know what to say.

SEAN (CONT’D)
Are you there?

GLENN
Yes. It's the first time... someone
calls. First time... I didn't know-- *

SEAN
Well, now you know. If it rings
it's me. If it rings you answer.
Got it?

GLENN
Ok.

SEAN
Good. Now, I want you to stop and
check something for me.

GLENN
I'm in the middle of traffic-- *

SEAN
I don't care, I need you to check
something. Stop the car and open
the trunk.

Glenn freezes.

SEAN (CONT’D)
Glenn?

GLENN
How... how do you know my name?

SEAN
Come on, don't pretend to be
stupid. We know you ain't.

GLENN
I just drive. I'm paid to drive,
nothing more.
8.


SEAN
Of course. You drive. And now you
do me a favor. You check the trunk.

GLENN
I...

A loud honking sound comes from behind.

Glenn looks ahead and notices that the cars ahead moved
forward and the one behind is in a hurry.

Glenn accelerates and closes the gap.

GLENN (CONT’D)
Listen, Alex always hires me to
drive to Palmdale, I just drop the *
car at the rental place and-- *

SEAN
You see, now you are pissing me
off. Ok? So, I promise you. I just
need you to look. Ok? Just open the
trunk and look if everything is in
order. Ok?

Glenn thinks hard.

GLENN
I just mind my own business.

SEAN
As you should. That's a good
attitude. When you mind your own
business, life is less stressful.
But now, the one that is stressed
out is me and I don't like being *
stressed out and you don't want me
to be stressed out. Right?

Glenn doesn't answer.

SEAN (CONT’D)
Great. Stop right away.

Glenn looks behind and tries to make his way through the two
lanes that separate him from the highway right shoulder.

SEAN (CONT’D)
You are still moving.

GLENN
I'm trying, they won't let me *
through (beat) How do you know-- *
9.


SEAN
They told me you were smart. The
phone, Glenn! Don't tell me you
didn't track your daughter Jenny *
when she was still at home with *
you? And she’s at NYU now, huh? *
That must cost you a fortune. *
Guess your gambling didn't help, *
right? I told you, we know all
about you. But don't worry, you’re *
doing great. Just got a little *
glitch in the system you need to *
check on. Great, you stopped. *

GLENN
Yes.

SEAN
Get the keys and open the trunk.

Glenn turns off the engine and gets out, still holding the *
phone. *
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Hector receives a call from Manolo informing him that 'Romeo' has been arrested. Sean tries to reach Glenn and demands him to check the trunk. The scene ends with Glenn turning off the engine and getting out of the car.
Strengths
  • Building suspense
  • Engaging dialogue
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds suspense and tension through the phone conversation and the protagonist's internal conflict. The dialogue is engaging and the stakes are high, keeping the audience hooked.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a mysterious phone call that forces the protagonist to check the trunk of his car adds intrigue and suspense to the scene. It introduces a central conflict and raises questions about the protagonist's past.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around the protagonist receiving a phone call and being coerced into checking the trunk of his car. It creates tension and raises questions about the protagonist's involvement in something dangerous.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a protagonist receiving a phone call and being involved in a mysterious and dangerous situation is not entirely unique, the specific details and dialogue in this scene add freshness to the familiar setup. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene, particularly Glenn and Sean, are well-developed and their motivations and conflicts are clear. The dialogue between them reveals their personalities and creates tension.

Character Changes: 7

Glenn experiences a shift in his mindset and becomes more aware of the danger he is involved in. He starts to question his own actions and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and stay calm in the face of unexpected events. This reflects his need for stability and his fear of losing control.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to handle the situation with 'Romeo' getting arrested and ensure that his plans are not disrupted. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing and his desire to maintain control over his operations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, as Glenn is forced to confront a dangerous situation and make a difficult decision. The tension between him and Sean adds to the conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the protagonist facing unexpected challenges and obstacles. The audience is left unsure of how the protagonist will overcome these obstacles, adding to the tension and unpredictability of the scene.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, as Glenn is coerced into checking the trunk of his car, potentially putting himself in danger. The consequences of his actions could have significant repercussions.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and raising questions about the protagonist's past. It adds to the overall suspense and intrigue of the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it presents unexpected events and challenges for the protagonist, such as 'Romeo' getting arrested and the mysterious phone calls. The audience is left unsure of how the protagonist will handle these situations.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Hector's belief in not believing in luck and the mention of 'bad luck' causing 'Romeo' to get arrested. This challenges Hector's belief system and may make him question the role of luck or fate in his life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene creates a sense of anxiety and tension, evoking emotional responses from the audience. The audience is invested in Glenn's predicament and feels his internal struggle.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is engaging and suspenseful. It effectively conveys the power dynamic between Glenn and Sean and reveals information about the characters and their pasts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces a mysterious and dangerous situation, creates tension through the dialogue and actions of the characters, and leaves the audience wanting to know more about the unfolding events.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of tension and urgency. The dialogue and actions of the characters are well-timed, keeping the audience engaged and interested in the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper use of scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The use of intercuts is also well-executed.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and intercuts between different locations. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a phone call between Hector and Manolo, which sets up the context for the rest of the scene. However, the dialogue feels a bit abrupt and lacks some exposition to fully understand the situation. It would be helpful to have more details about 'Romeo' and why his arrest is significant.
  • The scene then cuts to Robby being arrested by the police, which creates a sense of tension and suspense. However, the dialogue between Robby and the police feels a bit cliché and predictable. It would be more impactful to have some unexpected twists or turns in the conversation.
  • The scene then shifts to Hector driving with Enola asleep in the passenger seat. This creates a sense of mystery and intrigue, as the audience wonders who Enola is and what her role is in the story. However, the dialogue between Hector and Enola feels a bit forced and lacks some natural flow.
  • The scene then cuts to Sean and Mike in Sean's car, which adds another layer of complexity to the story. However, the dialogue between Sean and Mike feels a bit repetitive and lacks some originality. It would be more engaging to have some unexpected revelations or conflicts between the two characters.
  • The scene then returns to Glenn, who receives a phone call from an unknown number. The dialogue between Glenn and the caller feels a bit confusing and lacks some clarity. It would be more effective to have some clearer instructions or explanations from the caller.
Suggestions
  • To improve the dialogue between Hector and Manolo, it would be helpful to have more context about 'Romeo' and why his arrest is significant. This could be achieved through a flashback or a conversation between Hector and Manolo earlier in the story.
  • To make the dialogue between Robby and the police more impactful, it would be helpful to have some unexpected twists or turns in the conversation. This could be achieved through a surprise revelation or a sudden change in the police's demeanor.
  • To improve the dialogue between Hector and Enola, it would be helpful to have some natural flow and spontaneity in the conversation. This could be achieved through some improvisation or ad-libbing by the actors.
  • To make the dialogue between Sean and Mike more engaging, it would be helpful to have some unexpected revelations or conflicts between the two characters. This could be achieved through a sudden disagreement or a hidden agenda.
  • To improve the dialogue between Glenn and the caller, it would be helpful to have some clearer instructions or explanations from the caller. This could be achieved through a more detailed description of the situation or a clearer explanation of what Glenn needs to do.



Scene 4 -  Shocking Discovery
EXT. GREY CHEVY (HIGHWAY) - NIGHT

Glenn gets out of the car and walks to the back.

Cars in traffic slowly pass by.

He unlocks the trunk but doesn't open it. *

SEAN
Listen, we can’t stay here all *
night, ok? Open the fucking trunk. *

Glenn opens the trunk completely and looks inside. *

A green heavy duty tarp lies under a layer of soundproof *
foam, covering the contents underneath. *

Glenn quickly reaches out, grabs the edge of the tarp and
swiftly lifts it. *

He freezes. He is breathless. Glenn steps back terrified and
vomits.

In disbelief he looks back into the trunk.

The pink, Hello-Kitty style socks give it away. It's the body
of a girl.
10.


Then he looks around and sees the faces of the people driving *
by. More than one passenger looks at him but as soon as they
notice how distraught he is, they look the other way.

Glenn glances back at the open trunk and panics. He quickly *
shuts the trunk. A little boy stares at him from a passing *
car. Glenn smiles back. *

As soon as the car is out of sight Glenn leans on the trunk *
and takes a few deep breath. Sean’s voice bursts from the *
phone in Glenn’s hand. *

SEAN (CONT’D)
Glenn, Glenn? Can you hear me?

GLENN
It's a body!

SEAN
It better not be just a body Glenn!
Glenn?

GLENN
(while coughing)
I... didn't know... I thought it
was... it was... drugs or
something...

SEAN
It is... sometimes it's not.
Welcome to the major leagues my *
friend. We are a big enterprise,
Glenn. Well now you know. You need
to tell us if she is Blonde or *
Brunette. *

GLENN
What? What do you mean-- *

SEAN
I mean, the favor, the important
favor that you are doing for me
now... someone fucked up on our
side... I need to be sure this is
our merch. *

Glenn cannot move.

SEAN (CONT’D)
Listen, the worst is over, right.
Now you know, nothing can be worse
than this. So, man up and tell me.
Blonde or Brunette?
11.


Glenn moves to put himself between the highway curious and *
the trunk before opening it again. *

He slowly removes the rest of the tarp.

The girl’s ankles are tied, the wrist too, behind her back. *
The head is covered by a bag. She wears a skirt and a nice
shirt. Expensive stuff.

Glenn reaches to remove the bag. He searches for some hair *
but the girl has short hair.

SEAN (CONT’D)
So?

Glenn finally removes most of the bag.

She’s a brunette. Gagged very tight. She wears a small *
necklace with a cross.

GLENN
Brunette. She's brunette.

SEAN
Great. Is she breathing?

GLENN
What?

SEAN
Is she alive? *

Glenn stares to see if she is breathing.

Finally he removes the bag completely from her head and *
checks the gag.

All of a sudden the girl coughs and opens her eyes.

Glenn panics and slams the trunk shut.

GLENN
Fuck!

SEAN
What happened? Talk to me Glenn,
what the fuck happened?!

Glenn tries to catch his breath. *

GLENN
She's alive.
12.


SEAN
Great. Ok. Great. Make sure she is
delivered that way, right? The
merch worth more alive, death is *
just more shit to deal with. It's
your responsibility now, you
deliver her alive and everything
will be fine. Okay? *

GLENN
Okay. *

Glenn cannot move. He leans heavily on the trunk. Suddenly he
realizes, steps away and keeps staring at the trunk. *
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Glenn opens the trunk of a car on a dark highway and finds the body of a girl. He panics when he realizes she is alive. Sean instructs Glenn to deliver the girl alive and reassures him. Glenn is in shock and unable to move, staring at the trunk.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Effective suspense and shock
  • Strong plot development
Weaknesses
  • Lack of standout dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 10

The scene is highly impactful and effectively creates a sense of suspense and terror. The shocking revelation in the trunk adds a new layer of complexity to the plot and raises the stakes for the characters involved.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of discovering a body in the trunk of a car is a classic thriller trope, but the scene adds a unique twist by initially presenting it as a potential drug stash. This unexpected turn adds intrigue and sets up further suspense.

Plot: 10

The plot takes a major turn with the discovery of the body, significantly raising the stakes and introducing a new level of danger for the characters. It propels the story forward and creates a sense of urgency.

Originality: 8

This scene demonstrates a level of originality through its portrayal of a morally conflicted protagonist involved in a criminal enterprise. The discovery of the girl's body and the subsequent revelation that she is alive adds a fresh twist to the familiar trope of a criminal cover-up.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The scene primarily focuses on Glenn's reaction to the shocking discovery. His panic, fear, and sense of responsibility are effectively portrayed. The other characters, such as Sean, play a supporting role in driving the plot forward.

Character Changes: 8

Glenn undergoes a significant character change in this scene, transitioning from a relatively innocent and naive individual to someone who is forced to confront the dark realities of the criminal world. His sense of responsibility and fear drive this change.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the horrifying reality of the situation and find the strength to fulfill his responsibility. It reflects his deeper fear of being involved in criminal activities and his desire to protect innocent lives.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to deliver the girl alive, as instructed by Sean. It reflects the immediate challenge of ensuring the girl's survival and avoiding further complications or consequences.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, as Glenn is faced with the horrifying discovery of a body in the trunk. The conflict is both internal, as Glenn grapples with his emotions and responsibilities, and external, as he must navigate the dangerous world he's become entangled in.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist is faced with the challenge of delivering the girl alive while dealing with his own fear and moral conflict. The audience is unsure of how he will handle the situation.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are incredibly high, as Glenn discovers a body in the trunk and realizes the dangerous world he's become involved in. The consequences of his actions and the responsibility he now carries add a sense of urgency and danger.

Story Forward: 10

The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing a major plot twist and raising the stakes for the characters. It sets the stage for further developments and propels the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it subverts the audience's expectations by revealing that the girl in the trunk is alive. This unexpected twist adds to the tension and raises questions about the protagonist's future actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between the protagonist's moral values and the criminal enterprise he is involved in. It challenges his beliefs about right and wrong, and forces him to make difficult choices.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene elicits strong emotions from the audience, particularly fear, shock, and disgust. The horrifying discovery of the body and Glenn's reaction create a visceral and intense emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is primarily focused on Glenn's interaction with Sean over the phone. It effectively conveys Glenn's shock and Sean's instructions, but there are no particularly memorable or standout lines.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a shocking and suspenseful situation, with the discovery of the girl's body and the protagonist's struggle to fulfill his responsibility. The dialogue and actions of the characters keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense, with moments of shock and revelation interspersed with moments of quiet reflection.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and scene description.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Glenn checking license plates, which is a great way to establish his character's motive and create tension. However, it could be more impactful if we see the license plate number that he's looking for and the one he finds on the Chevy Impala. This would give the audience a clearer understanding of the situation.
  • The dialogue between Glenn and his wife feels a bit forced and lacks naturalism. It would be more effective if we could hear more about their relationship and what led Glenn to this point. This would help us empathize with his character and understand his motivations.
  • The scene with Robby running across the parking lot and being confronted by the police is intense and suspenseful. However, it could be more impactful if we see more of Robby's backstory and why he's involved in this situation. This would help us understand his character and sympathize with him, even though he's a criminal.
  • The scene with Hector, Manolo, Sean, Mike, and Glenn feels a bit disjointed and confusing. It would be more effective if we could see a clearer connection between these characters and how they're all involved in this criminal enterprise. This would help us understand the larger picture and the stakes of the situation.
  • The reveal of the body in the trunk is shocking and disturbing, but it could be more impactful if we see more of Glenn's reaction and how he's coping with this horrific discovery. This would help us understand his character and the psychological toll of his actions.
Suggestions
  • To make the scene with Glenn checking license plates more impactful, we could see a close-up of the license plate number that he's looking for and the one he finds on the Chevy Impala. This would help us understand the significance of this discovery and the tension that Glenn is feeling.
  • To make the dialogue between Glenn and his wife more naturalistic, we could see more of their relationship and what led Glenn to this point. This would help us empathize with his character and understand his motivations.
  • To make the scene with Robby running across the parking lot and being confronted by the police more impactful, we could see more of Robby's backstory and why he's involved in this situation. This would help us understand his character and sympathize with him, even though he's a criminal.
  • To make the scene with Hector, Manolo, Sean, Mike, and Glenn more cohesive, we could see a clearer connection between these characters and how they're all involved in this criminal enterprise. This would help us understand the larger picture and the stakes of the situation.
  • To make the reveal of the body in the trunk more impactful, we could see more of Glenn's reaction and how he's coping with this horrific discovery. This would help us understand his character and the psychological toll of his actions.



Scene 5 -  Trapped in the Trunk
INT. GREY CHEVY / TRUNK - NIGHT

SARAH (15) looks around in the inky darkness. The muffled *
sounds of the highway outside barely overshadow her heavy *
breathing. *

She is completely in the dark. Slowly she comes to her senses
and panics.

Sarah realizes that her wrists and ankles are bound with *
plastic ties. She tries to pull them apart but it’s no use. *

Her eyes adjust to the darkness. She starts to see the
cramped space that she is in. *

Panic takes over when images emerge from the fog of memory.


EXT. SARAH'S HOUSE - MORNING (FLASHBACK)

MONTAGE

A two story house sits in a middle class neighborhood, a *
Mazda parked in the driveway, white picket fence.

Sarah sneaks out from a window at the second floor. She
quickly climbs down the tree and runs to the street where the *
grey Chevy Impala idles. She quickly gets into the car. *

Robby sits in the driver’s seat. Sarah reaches over and *
kisses him passionately. *

SARAH *
Let's go.

ROBBY
You got it Princess. *
13.


They both laugh. She takes her phone out from her pocket and
takes a selfie with Robby. He turns at the last moment.


INT. GREY CHEVY - MORNING

Robby gets in the car with two coffees. Sarah drinks hers. *

SARAH
Next time, go easy on the sugar.
Too sweet for me. Ok?

ROBBY
Of course, Princess. *


INT. GREY CHEVY - MOMENTS LATER

Robby drives towards the highway.

SARAH
Robby...

ROBBY
Princess?

SARAH
I don't feel... very... good,
dizzy... I... stop... stop the
car...

Sarah tries to hit the button to lower the window but she
keeps missing it.

SARAH (CONT’D)
Stop... stop it

Sarah looks at Robby. He keeps driving.

SARAH (CONT’D)
Why... stop... please... please.

Robby ignores her.

Sarah tries to fight Robby but she is weak and disoriented.

She drops the hot coffee on herself and gasps.

SARAH (CONT’D)
What... stop... please.
14.


INT. GREY CHEVY / TRUNK - DAY

Robby finishes gagging and tying Sarah up in the trunk. She *
can barely open her drugged eyes. *

The last thing that she sees is Robby taking her phone and *
her backpack and putting the bag over her head. *

The sound of the trunk being shut. Her scream is muffled and
vanishes in the darkness of the trunk.

END FLASHBACK / MONTAGE


INT. GREY CHEVY / TRUNK - NIGHT

A small amount of red light illuminates the interior of the
trunk.

She tries one more time to free herself. No go. *

She starts kicking and screaming but the gag suffocates her
voice and the space is too small to give a strong, solid
kick.

When she tries harder she injures her foot.

She begins to scream as loud as she can.


INT. GREY CHEVY - NIGHT

Glenn cannot bear Sarah's muffled screaming. *

He looks at the envelope with the money.

GLENN
Shit, shit, shit! Why? Damn it! I
just need one break. One break.
Damn it! Shut up!

Then he looks in the rear view mirror, at the trunk. He pumps
up the volume on the crappy radio and drives away.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Sarah, a 15-year-old girl, is trapped in the trunk of a grey Chevy. Bound with plastic ties, she panics as she realizes her situation. Flashing back, Sarah is seen sneaking out of her house and getting into the car with Robby, sharing a passionate kiss. Back in the present, Sarah pleads with Robby to stop as she feels dizzy and unwell, but he ignores her. Weakened and disoriented, Sarah is gagged and tied up in the trunk. She tries to free herself but injures her foot. Screaming for help, Glenn, the driver, becomes agitated and drives away, leaving Sarah trapped and desperate.
Strengths
  • Intense suspense
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Effective use of confined space
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly effective in creating tension and suspense, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats. The intense emotions and high stakes make it a gripping and memorable scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a character being trapped in a confined space, trying to escape, is a familiar but effective thriller trope. The scene adds a sense of urgency and danger by introducing the character's captor and the mystery surrounding their motives.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around Sarah's desperate attempts to free herself from the trunk and the tension created by her captor's presence. The revelation of how she ended up in the trunk adds intrigue and raises questions about the larger story.

Originality: 5

This scene does not introduce any unique situations or fresh approaches to familiar ones. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable and realistic.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are well-defined and their actions and dialogue contribute to the tension and suspense. Sarah's fear and desperation are palpable, while Glenn's conflicted emotions add complexity to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Sarah undergoes a significant change in the scene, transitioning from confusion and panic to a determined fight for survival. Glenn also experiences a change as he grapples with his own moral dilemma.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to free herself from the plastic ties and escape from the trunk. This reflects her deeper need for survival and her fear of being trapped and harmed.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to get the attention of someone outside the car and be rescued. This reflects the immediate circumstance of being trapped in the trunk and the challenge of finding a way out.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered. Sarah's struggle to free herself from the trunk, her captor's presence, and the arrival of the police create a high-stakes situation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist is physically trapped and faces obstacles in her attempts to escape. The reader is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, as Sarah's life is in immediate danger and her captor's motives are unknown. The arrival of the police adds another layer of danger and raises the stakes even further.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about Sarah's abduction and introducing Glenn as a character with a connection to the larger plot. It also raises questions and creates anticipation for what will happen next.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the reader does not know if the protagonist will be able to free herself or if she will be rescued. The actions and decisions of the other characters add to the unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene elicits strong emotions from the audience, particularly fear, anxiety, and desperation. The audience empathizes with Sarah's plight and feels the tension and urgency of her situation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations. Sarah's pleas for help and Glenn's panicked thoughts add depth to their respective characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of suspense and urgency. The reader is invested in the protagonist's struggle to free herself and escape from the trunk.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency and tension. The concise and descriptive writing style keeps the reader engaged and the scene moves at a fast pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, and dialogue in the correct format.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot and then focuses on the protagonist's actions and reactions in the trunk.


Critique
  • The scene in the trunk is intense and suspenseful, but it could benefit from more backstory to help the audience understand Sarah's relationship with Robby and why she's being held captive. We need to know more about their dynamic and what led to this situation. Without this context, the audience may feel disconnected from Sarah's plight.
  • The flashback montage is effective in establishing Sarah's relationship with Robby, but it could be more detailed. We need to see more of their interactions and conversations to understand why Sarah trusts Robby enough to sneak out with him. Without this information, the audience may not fully understand Sarah's motivations and decisions.
  • The dialogue between Sarah and Robby in the flashback is sparse and lacks depth. We need more dialogue to reveal their personalities and motivations. Without this dialogue, the audience may not fully understand the dynamics of their relationship and why Sarah is so trusting of Robby.
  • The scene in the trunk could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience in Sarah's experience. We need to hear more about the sounds and smells of the trunk, as well as Sarah's physical sensations, to fully understand the horror of her situation.
  • The scene in the trunk could also benefit from more internal monologue from Sarah to reveal her thoughts and emotions. Without this internal monologue, the audience may not fully understand Sarah's state of mind and why she's so desperate to escape.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a scene or flashback that shows Sarah's relationship with Robby in more detail. We need to see more of their interactions and conversations to understand why Sarah trusts Robby enough to sneak out with him.
  • Consider adding more dialogue between Sarah and Robby in the flashback to reveal their personalities and motivations. This dialogue will help the audience understand the dynamics of their relationship and why Sarah is so trusting of Robby.
  • Consider adding more sensory details to the scene in the trunk to immerse the audience in Sarah's experience. We need to hear more about the sounds and smells of the trunk, as well as Sarah's physical sensations, to fully understand the horror of her situation.
  • Consider adding more internal monologue from Sarah to reveal her thoughts and emotions. This internal monologue will help the audience understand Sarah's state of mind and why she's so desperate to escape.
  • Consider adding a scene or flashback that shows Sarah's backstory and why she's being held captive. This backstory will help the audience understand Sarah's motivations and decisions, and will make her plight more compelling.



Scene 6 -  Uncertainty in the Merchandise Business
INT. SEAN'S CAR - NIGHT

Sean makes another call.

SEAN
(to Mike)
Told you he’s a good man. *
(to Hector on the phone) *
Everything is A-Ok. Merch is good.
15.


Sean hangs up.

MIKE
What's her name?

SEAN
Trust me, its always better to not
know.

MIKE
Understood.

SEAN
No, you don't, nobody does at the
beginning. We think we do until we
work our first Merch deal and then, *
you have it or you don't. That's
why the first time you're always
with a veteran. If you choke, you
die.

Sean laughs out loud. Mike holds his hat tighter.

SEAN (CONT’D)
Just joking. In the end we’re all *
Merch. Right? We are all Merch. I'm
Merch, Glenn is Merch and that
pussy in the trunk is super-Merch.
Someone is selling you right now, *
you don't even know it.

Mike is tense. Where is this conversation going?

SEAN (CONT’D)
Do you have a social media account,
Mike?

Mike nods.

SEAN (CONT’D)
Then you are 'merch'. They sell all *
you do, watch, buy, to whoever
wants to fuck you. You are for
sale. They are your pimp. We are so
anesthetized that we don't even
care anymore. You even signed a
contract for God sake.

Mike finds it hard to argue.
16.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

Summary In this scene, Sean makes a phone call to Hector to confirm the status of the merchandise. He then has a conversation with Mike about their involvement in the merchandise business, joking about it but also highlighting that everyone is essentially 'merch'. While Sean tries to reassure Mike, he becomes tense and uncertain about the implications. The scene takes place inside Sean's car at night, with a mix of lightheartedness and tension. The conflict arises from Mike's uncertainty, which remains unresolved. The scene ends with Mike finding it difficult to argue against Sean's points about being 'merch'.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intense tone
  • Suspenseful plot
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively establishes a dark and intense tone, introduces complex themes, and creates a high-stakes situation. The dialogue is engaging and thought-provoking, and the characters are intriguing.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the criminal world and the commodification of individuals is compelling and unique. It adds depth and complexity to the story.

Plot: 9

The plot is fast-paced and filled with suspense. It keeps the audience engaged and eager to know what happens next.

Originality: 7

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of being 'merch' and the influence of social media is not entirely new, the writer brings a fresh approach by incorporating dark humor and presenting it through the lens of the merch business. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their motivations are intriguing. They add depth and complexity to the story.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not significant character development in this scene, the situation and conflict they face will likely lead to changes in their motivations and actions in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to educate and enlighten Mike about the nature of the merch business and the control that social media has over people's lives. It reflects Sean's desire to share his knowledge and experiences with someone who is new to the industry.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that Sean wants to establish his authority and expertise in the merch business. He wants to impress upon Mike the importance of being knowledgeable and cautious in the industry.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, which creates tension and drives the story forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there is no direct conflict between the characters, there is a clash of beliefs and values. The audience is unsure of how Mike will respond to Sean's revelations.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are high as characters are involved in criminal activities, facing arrest, and dealing with dangerous situations.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, raising stakes, and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it takes unexpected turns in the conversation between Sean and Mike. The audience is unsure of where the conversation is going and what revelations will be made.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Sean's belief that everyone is 'merch' and being sold without their knowledge, and Mike's initial skepticism and resistance to this idea. This conflict challenges Mike's beliefs and values about personal autonomy and control.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of fear, tension, and unease, which creates an emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is engaging, thought-provoking, and reveals important information about the characters and the world they inhabit.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension and mystery created through the dialogue. The unexpected turns in the conversation between Sean and Mike keep the audience hooked and wanting to know more.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension through the dialogue. The rhythm of the conversation keeps the audience engaged and interested in the unfolding revelations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The dialogue is properly formatted with character names and actions. The scene description is concise and provides the necessary information.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot and then focuses on the dialogue between the characters. The scene has a clear beginning, middle, and end.


Critique
  • The scene lacks context about who Sean and Mike are and what their relationship is. This makes it difficult for the audience to understand their conversation and invest in their characters.
  • The dialogue between Sean and Mike feels disjointed and lacks a clear purpose. Sean's monologue about being 'Merch' and being sold to others is confusing and doesn't seem to relate to the previous scene or the overall plot.
  • The scene doesn't provide any visual elements or actions to help the audience understand what's happening. This makes it difficult to follow the story and engage with the characters.
  • The scene doesn't have a clear beginning, middle, or end. It feels like a random conversation between two characters without any clear conflict or resolution.
  • The scene doesn't provide any insight into the characters' motivations or emotions. This makes it difficult for the audience to connect with them and care about what happens to them.
Suggestions
  • To improve the scene, you could provide more context about Sean and Mike's relationship and their roles in the story. This could help the audience understand their conversation and invest in their characters.
  • To make the dialogue more cohesive, you could connect Sean's monologue about being 'Merch' to the previous scene or the overall plot. This could help the audience understand the significance of his words and relate them to the story.
  • To make the scene more engaging, you could provide some visual elements or actions to help the audience understand what's happening. This could include describing the surroundings, the characters' movements, or any objects in the scene.
  • To give the scene a clear structure, you could provide a clear beginning, middle, and end. This could help the audience follow the story and understand the characters' motivations and emotions.
  • To make the scene more emotionally resonant, you could provide more insight into the characters' motivations and emotions. This could help the audience connect with them and care about what happens to them.



Scene 7 -  Tense Confrontations and FBI Interrogation
INT. JIMMY'S HOME - NIGHT

JIMMY (8), African American, lies on his small bunk bed. He
is in the dark but his eyes are wide open. He is listening to
discussion that is happening in another room.

UNCLE JOSH (O.S.)
I don't want you to come. Period.

AUNT MONICA (O.S.)
They know me, they trust me.

UNCLE JOSH (O.S.)
You don't get to choose, you don't
come!

AUNT MONICA (O.S.)
You don't know them, you don't know
these people.

UNCLE JOSH (O.S.)
That's the point. Honey, it's too
dangerous. Maybe you are too
hormonal or the mother's gene is
kicking in... you are too attached
this time.

AUNT MONICA (O.S.)
(on the verge of crying)
No I'm not, it's just-- *

Uncle Josh pauses.

AUNT MONICA (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Well, maybe, Ok. You take him. But
be careful. Remember the clothing,
I need the clothing for the foster
care inspector and the report.

Jimmy is now clearly alarmed.


Omitted


EXT. FBI WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

The police car with Robby drives into the parking lot of an
abandoned warehouse.

They park the car and two Policemen get out. *

From the warehouse two FBI agents walk out. AGENT RODRIGUEZ
(female, 35) and AGENT BROWN (male, 45).
17.


BROWN *
Thank you officer, we'll take it
from here.

They pull out Robby and remove his handcuffs.

Rodriguez and Brown walk Robby into the warehouse while the *
two Policemen get back in their car and leave. *


INT. FBI WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

Robby is escorted into the warehouse. *

He looks around and catch a glimpse, behind movable walls and
plastic sheets, of more agents, computers, and monitors.

They pass by vending machines and coffee makers.

ROBBY
Coffee, no sugar. Thanks! *

The agents don't answer.

ROBBY (CONT’D)
Hey, come on, it's right there,
just a cup of coffee.

No answer.

ROBBY (CONT’D)
You guys are shit. *

Still no answer.

Robby gets shoved into a separated area. *

Two chairs, a desk and an easel with a map of Antelope
Valley.

RODRIGUEZ *
Where?

ROBBY
The deal with Mike was-- *

BROWN *
No time for long explanations. *
You’re safe now. Just tell us. *
Where is the meeting with Mr. *
Renzo?

Robby walks to the map and indicates an intersection in the
middle of the desert.
18.


Brown writes it down and says out loud for record. *

BROWN (CONT’D) *
Intersection East Avenue O and
110th Street East, Palmdale. *

RODRIGUEZ *
Are you sure?

ROBBY
I'm fucking sure, lady, ok?

RODRIGUEZ *
You know that if you lie to us,
your deal is off. You understand *
that, right?

ROBBY
I'm not lying. I heard Hector
giving that exact address.

Rodriguez pushes Robby on a chair. *

ROBBY (CONT’D)
Can I get my coffee now?

Two agents walk in: AGENT ACHAK (30s) and AGENT CALIFAN *
(50s). *

RODRIGUEZ *
All yours, boys. If he lied, you *
know what to do.

Robby's demeanor changes.

Brown and Rodriguez walk out. *
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

Summary In this scene, Jimmy overhears a heated argument between his Uncle Josh and Aunt Monica about whether she should come with them somewhere. Aunt Monica eventually convinces Uncle Josh to take Jimmy but to be careful. The scene then shifts to an FBI warehouse where Robby, a suspect, is brought in for interrogation by agents Rodriguez and Brown. Robby provides them with an address in Palmdale, but the conflict is not resolved. The scene ends with Rodriguez pushing Robby into a chair and two more agents entering the room.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • High stakes
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, with intense dialogue and a sense of urgency. It effectively builds tension and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an interrogation scene is not particularly unique, but the execution and the high stakes involved make it compelling.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around extracting information from the suspect, which is crucial for the progression of the story. It keeps the audience invested and eager to know the outcome.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the domestic and law enforcement settings are familiar, the specific dialogue and actions of the characters add authenticity and freshness to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene, particularly Robby, exhibit strong emotions and motivations. Their interactions and reactions add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Robby experiences a shift in demeanor from confident to fearful as the interrogation progresses. This change adds depth to his character.

Internal Goal: 8

Jimmy's internal goal in this scene is to understand the discussion happening in the other room and to make sense of the situation. This reflects his need for security and stability in his life.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to provide the FBI agents with the location of a meeting with Mr. Renzo. This reflects the immediate challenge of cooperating with law enforcement and ensuring his safety.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, as the agents are trying to extract information from Robby while he tries to protect himself. The stakes are raised by the possibility of the deal being off if he lies.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces resistance from Uncle Josh and the FBI agents.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, as the information extracted from Robby can determine the success or failure of a crucial operation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by providing crucial information about the meeting location. It propels the plot and increases the stakes.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a new location and characters, adding uncertainty to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear and anxiety in the audience, as they are invested in the outcome of the interrogation. The emotions of the characters are also palpable.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is intense and gripping. It effectively conveys the urgency and tension of the situation.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it introduces tension and conflict through the dialogue and actions of the characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the reader's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and action lines.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Sean and Mike in this scene feels a bit forced and lacks natural flow. The tension between them is unclear and the conversation seems to be going in circles. It would benefit from more specific details about the nature of their involvement in the merchandise business and how it has affected their relationship.
  • The visual elements in this scene are very limited, which makes it difficult for the audience to fully immerse themselves in the scene. Adding some more descriptive language to help paint a picture of the car interior and Sean's demeanor could go a long way in making this scene more engaging.
  • The emotional tone of this scene is a bit all over the place. There are moments of lightheartedness, but also moments of tension and uncertainty. It would be more effective to narrow down the tone to either comedic or serious, depending on the intention of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Sean and Mike touches on the idea of being involved in the merchandise business and how everyone is essentially 'merch'. However, this concept is not fully explored or developed in this scene. It could be expanded upon in future scenes to add more depth and complexity to the story.
Suggestions
  • To improve the dialogue between Sean and Mike, try to make it more specific and detailed. For example, Sean could share a personal story about his involvement in the merchandise business and how it has affected his relationships with others. Mike, in turn, could share his own experiences and feelings about being a part of this world.
  • To make the scene more visually engaging, try to incorporate more descriptive language that helps the audience visualize the scene. For example, Sean could be described as fidgeting with the steering wheel or checking his phone nervously. Mike could be described as looking out the window with a faraway expression.
  • To narrow down the emotional tone of this scene, try to focus on either the comedic or serious aspects of the dialogue. For example, Sean could make a joke about being 'merch' to lighten the mood, or Mike could express his concerns about the danger of their involvement in a more serious tone.
  • To expand upon the concept of being involved in the merchandise business and how it affects relationships, try to explore this theme in future scenes. For example, Sean could have a conversation with another character about their own involvement in the business and how it has affected their relationships. This could provide more context and depth to the story as a whole.



Scene 8 -  A Risky Exchange
EXT. FBI WAREHOUSE / PARKING LOT - NIGHT *

Rodriguez and Brown walk out of the rear of the warehouse *
toward several parked cars. *

BROWN *
What's wrong?

RODRIGUEZ *
I grew up in those fucking streets. *
That's no place for an exchange. *
Not for something like, big, you
know.

BROWN *
Then let's grill him some more. *
19.


RODRIGUEZ *
No, there’s is no time, if he is *
right... or if he doesn't really
know.

BROWN *
The source is reliable. He set up
Robby's extraction.

RODRIGUEZ *
Are we sure it's him?

BROWN *
Yes.
(beat) *
Listen, there’s nothing irregular *
about it. An undercover agent *
calls, says it's a big night, it's *
THE night, someone big is coming *
from down south-- *

RODRIGUEZ *
I know, I know... but I'm just... I
don't like that we used her as *
bait...

BROWN *
It's a calculated risk. One to save
hundreds and-- *

RODRIGUEZ *
You knew him, right?

BROWN *
Who, Mike? Yes.

RODRIGUEZ *
Did he volunteer?

BROWN *
Yes.

RODRIGUEZ *
Good. They should have come up with
a better signal, though.

BROWN *
The red hat thing?

RODRIGUEZ *
Which genius thought that one up?

They both laugh. Get into one of the cars and drive away. *
20.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Rodriguez and Brown, two FBI agents, walk out of the warehouse towards parked cars. They discuss the risks and reliability of their source, as well as the decision to use someone as bait for an upcoming exchange. Rodriguez expresses concern, but Brown assures him it's a calculated risk. They share a moment of camaraderie and humor, laughing about a signal they used. The scene ends with them getting into a car and driving away.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited character change

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively creates tension and establishes the high stakes of the undercover operation. The dialogue is sharp and realistic, adding to the authenticity of the scene. The characters are well-developed and their motivations are clear. The scene moves the story forward and leaves a lasting impact on the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an undercover operation is a familiar one in crime and thriller genres, but the scene adds depth by exploring the moral dilemmas faced by the characters. It also introduces the theme of sacrifice for the greater good.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around the interrogation of a suspect and the discussion between the FBI agents about the risks and benefits of the operation. It effectively builds tension and sets up future conflicts.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and situation are familiar in the crime genre, the writer adds authenticity to the characters' actions and dialogue, making them feel real and relatable. The use of dark humor also adds a fresh approach to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are well-defined and their motivations are clear. Rodriguez is conflicted about using someone as bait, while Brown is more pragmatic. Their contrasting viewpoints create tension and add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it sets up potential character arcs for Rodriguez and Brown as they navigate the moral complexities of their work.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to express their discomfort and concern about using someone as bait for the operation. This reflects their deeper need to prioritize human life and their fear of putting others in danger.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather information and confirm the identity of the person they are waiting for. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing in the operation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Rodriguez and Brown regarding the use of someone as bait creates tension and adds to the overall conflict of the scene. The conflict between the FBI agents and the suspect also adds to the intensity of the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist expresses their concerns and challenges the decisions made by their colleague. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of the operation and the potential consequences.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as the FBI agents are dealing with a dangerous suspect and the potential for a major operation. The risks and potential consequences are emphasized throughout the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by providing crucial information about the undercover operation and setting up future conflicts and plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a potential twist in the operation, with the protagonist questioning the reliability of the source and expressing concern about using someone as bait. The audience is left wondering how this conflict will be resolved.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's concern for human life and the calculated risk they are taking to save many lives. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values, as they question the use of someone as bait.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of tension and unease, which creates an emotional impact on the audience. The moral dilemmas faced by the characters also elicit an emotional response.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is sharp, realistic, and reveals the characters' personalities and motivations. It effectively conveys the tension and conflict between Rodriguez and Brown.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a moral dilemma and raises questions about the characters' choices. The dialogue is realistic and the tension is palpable, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension through the characters' dialogue and actions. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and interested in the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The action lines are concise and effectively convey the characters' movements and emotions.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot and then focuses on the dialogue between the characters, building tension and revealing information.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear objective or goal for the characters. Sean's conversation with Mike about being involved in the merchandise business feels disconnected from the rest of the scene and doesn't advance the plot. It's unclear why Sean is having this conversation with Mike at this particular moment.
  • The dialogue between Sean and Mike is also lacking in tension or conflict. Sean's jokes about being 'merch' come across as flippant and insensitive, especially in light of the seriousness of the situation with Sarah in the trunk. Mike's uncertainty about being involved in the merchandise business feels underdeveloped and doesn't have enough weight to create a compelling conflict.
  • The scene also suffers from a lack of visual description. There are no significant actions or visual elements that help to immerse the reader in the scene or create a sense of atmosphere.
  • The pacing of the scene is slow and meandering. The conversation between Sean and Mike could be condensed or eliminated altogether to make room for more important plot developments.
  • Overall, the scene feels disconnected from the rest of the story and doesn't contribute much to the plot or character development.
Suggestions
  • Consider cutting the conversation between Sean and Mike altogether or moving it to a later scene where it has more context and relevance.
  • If you decide to keep the conversation, make sure to give Sean and Mike a clear objective or goal that advances the plot or reveals something important about their characters.
  • Add more visual description to the scene to help immerse the reader in the setting and create a sense of atmosphere.
  • Increase the tension and conflict between Sean and Mike to make their conversation more compelling and relevant to the plot.
  • Make sure that every scene in the screenplay has a clear objective or goal that advances the plot or reveals something important about the characters.



Scene 9 -  Escape Attempt at Abandoned Airport
INT. HECTOR'S CAR DARK ROAD - NIGHT *

Hector drives in the middle of nowhere. *


EXT. ABANDONED AIRPORT / GATE - NIGHT

Hector’s car rumbles down a dirt road and stops at a rusty *
gate.

He gets out of the car, opens the heavy lock and forcefully
opens the gate.

Enola starts waking up and sees the broken sign that reads:
Clearwater Airport, 1.5 miles.

When Hector gets back in the car she feigns asleep.

Hector drives through the gate and leaves it open.

Soon the dirt road becomes a wide, poorly maintained landing *
strip in the middle of the desert. *


I/E. ABANDONED AIRPORT / CABIN - NIGHT *

Hector keeps driving until the lights of the car illuminate *
the only structure, a one floor building with a small control *
tower on top. *

He parks next to it. Shakes Enola. *

HECTOR *
Come on, time to get up,
sweetheart. *

She barely acknowledges his effort. *

Hector checks that Enola is still really asleep and gets out
of the car.

He enters the building and turns on the light inside. Walks *
over to an old electric panel and switches it on.

From the small window he can see that lights along the
landing strip are flickering to life.


INT. HECTOR'S CAR - NIGHT

The turning on of the landing lights gets Enola's attention. *
She is groggy. On her left wrist there is Dollar symbol
tattoo.
21.


She looks around and notices that Hector is not in the car. *
She sees him through the window moving inside the building. *

Enola is now as alert as she can be. Immediately checks for *
the car keys but they are not there.

While she keeps an eye on Hector's position, she frantically
looks inside the glove compartment, nothing. The storage *
between the seats, nothing.

Enola looks outside the car. The lights of the city are far *
away. Around her, besides the tiny airport, all is darkness.

She opens the door quietly and gets out. Stares at the *
building. Doesn't see Hector but the lights are still on. *

Enola opens the back door and takes her backpack. Looks *
around for a shortest path towards the darkness. *

She ducks down and makes a few quick steps away.

HECTOR (O.S.)
Where are you going?

Enola freezes. She panics then she pretends to fall to her
knees. Her back to Hector she sticks two fingers into her
throat.

Hector walks closer to examine.

HECTOR (CONT’D)
What's going on? Eh?

Enola forces herself to vomit.

Hector stops.

HECTOR (CONT’D)
Jesus, what did they feed you?
Crap? And clean your mouth before
getting back into the car.

Enola keeps throwing up while Hector walks back to the car.

Enola is alert and watches every move Hector makes. *

Hector opens the door of his car and freezes. He looks in the
back seat and notices something is wrong.

He glances back at Enola as she gets up and sees that she is *
holding her backpack.

HECTOR (CONT’D)
Come on, I don't have all night.
22.


ENOLA
You don't want me throwing up in *
your car, do you? *

Enola slowly walks back towards Hector.

HECTOR
How nice of you, now move your ass.

Enola walks towards the passenger side door and Hector opens
the door for her.

ENOLA
Thanks.

Before Enola can get in, Hector grabs her head and slams it
on the edge of the door.

HECTOR
You think I'm stupid, huh?

Enola is dizzy and can barely speak.

ENOLA
No, no, I'm sick-

HECTOR
So sick to get your bag and run,
eh?

Hector shoves Enola into the ground, against the car, one
hand under her own body and the other held by Hector behind
her back.

HECTOR (CONT’D)
I don't know how they treat you at
the house, but you don't play games *
with me, ok ‘sweetheart’?

ENOLA
I didn't-- *

HECTOR
You are mine, ok. You belong to me
you little cunt. I can end you
whenever I want.

ENOLA
I'm sorry, I-- I-- *

Hector takes out his gun and shoves it up Enola's skirt. She
resists as much a she can until Hector, with his knees,
forces her legs to open up.
23.


He pushes the gun further and Enola screams.

HECTOR
Scream as much as you want, nobody
can hear you here, nobody cares, *
you are meat, understood?

Enola keeps moaning. Hector laughs. Enola loses
consciousness.

HECTOR (CONT’D)
That's it? This is all the fight
you've got? Figures.

Hector's phone rings.

He pulls the gun back. The barrel is covered in blood.

HECTOR (CONT’D)
Shit.

He answers the phone.

HECTOR (CONT’D)
(in Spanish)
Honey... yes yes... all good here.
Put them on the phone...

Hector cleans the gun on Enola's dress then puts it back in
his holster.

He gets on his feet and paces around.

HECTOR (CONT’D)
(in Spanish)
Miguelito, Teresita. Sweet dreams
by sweet hearts, goodnight... (with
grave tone) are they gone? So?...
really... listen... no listen to
me, this is just one veterinary,
ok. We will check with others,
whatever it takes... he is the
strongest dog, you'll see.

Enola wakes up. She is in unbearable pain. She climbs into
the car.

Hector slams the door behind her. Gets back into the driver *
seat.

HECTOR (CONT’D)
(in Spanish)
What about him? Mike is behaving
well, he is doing good.
(MORE)
24.
HECTOR (CONT’D)
No, he is not with me, he is with
Sean. No, no, I didn't say that. He
is with Sean because it was better
this way. Tell her that we are
happy. She shouldn't worry. My
voice? You know me too well. I'm
just... you know... if this other
thing here works out... well...
let's put it in this way, it's more
money and more safe. Yes, goodnight
my love.

Hector hangs up. He glances at Enola then turns on the engine
and drives away.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Hector drives Enola to an abandoned airport where he turns on the lights in the control tower and talks on the phone. Enola tries to escape but is caught by Hector, who threatens and sexually assaults her. The scene ends with Hector receiving a phone call and leaving Enola in the car.
Strengths
  • Intense tension
  • Effective portrayal of power dynamics
  • Strong emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence may be disturbing to some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly effective in creating tension and conveying the dark and disturbing nature of the situation. The dialogue and actions of the characters contribute to the intense atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a captive trying to escape from her captor in an isolated location is well-executed and generates suspense. The power dynamics and violence add depth to the concept.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around Enola's attempt to escape from Hector's control. The escalating tension and violence drive the plot forward and keep the audience engaged.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a protagonist trying to escape from an abusive captor is not entirely unique, the specific actions and dialogue in this scene add freshness to the familiar scenario. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Hector and Enola are well-developed and their interactions reveal their complex relationship. Hector is portrayed as a violent and controlling individual, while Enola is shown as a captive trying to survive.

Character Changes: 8

Enola experiences a traumatic event in the scene, which may lead to a change in her character and her determination to escape from Hector's control.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to escape from Hector and his abusive control. This reflects her deeper need for freedom, safety, and autonomy.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find a way to escape from Hector's car and the abandoned airport. It reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges she's facing, which include Hector's abusive behavior and her physical confinement.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 10

The conflict in the scene is intense and violent. It arises from the power struggle between Hector and Enola, creating a sense of danger and suspense.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces physical and emotional obstacles in her attempt to escape from Hector. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold and whether the protagonist will succeed.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are high in the scene as Enola's life is in danger and her attempt to escape could have severe consequences. The violence and power dynamics increase the tension.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by showing Enola's attempt to escape and the escalating conflict between her and Hector. It raises the stakes and sets up future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it is unclear how the protagonist's escape attempt will unfold and whether she will succeed. The audience is kept on edge and unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, desperation, and discomfort. The violence and abusive behavior of Hector towards Enola elicit a visceral response from the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the power dynamics and tension between Hector and Enola. It reveals their motivations and emotions, adding depth to the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of suspense and danger through the protagonist's attempts to escape and the abusive behavior of Hector. The reader or viewer is invested in the outcome and wants to know what will happen next.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense. The actions and dialogue are paced in a way that keeps the reader or viewer engaged and wanting to know what happens next.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the characters' actions and dialogue, and builds tension towards a climax.


Critique
  • The scene lacks context and backstory, making it difficult for the audience to fully understand the characters' motivations and relationships. We don't know who Enola is or why she's being held captive, and we don't know why Hector is treating her so brutally. This lack of information makes it hard to invest in the scene emotionally and leaves us feeling disconnected from the characters.
  • The dialogue is also lacking in tension and conflict. While Hector's threats are violent, they feel more like empty bluster than genuine threats. Enola's resistance is also weak and lacks conviction, making it hard to believe that she's truly a captive. This lack of conflict and tension makes the scene feel flat and unengaging.
  • The pacing is also slow and drawn out, with long stretches of silence and stillness. This lack of action and movement makes it hard to stay engaged and leaves us feeling restless and impatient.
  • The use of violence is also problematic. While it's clear that Hector is a dangerous and abusive character, the scene doesn't offer any insight into why he's behaving this way. It's unclear whether this violence is motivated by a desire for control, a need for power, or something else entirely. Without this context, it's hard to fully understand the scene's themes and messages.
  • Finally, the scene lacks a clear resolution. While Hector's phone call offers some hints about his larger criminal enterprise, it's unclear whether Enola will be able to escape or whether she'll be able to find help. This lack of resolution leaves us feeling unsatisfied and unresolved.
Suggestions
  • To improve the scene, I would suggest adding more backstory and context to help the audience understand the characters' motivations and relationships. This could be done through flashbacks or dialogue between the characters.
  • I would also suggest adding more tension and conflict to the scene. This could be done through more violent and threatening dialogue, as well as through more physical and emotional resistance from Enola.
  • To improve the pacing, I would suggest adding more action and movement to the scene. This could be done through more dynamic camera work and through more physical and emotional movement from the characters.
  • To improve the use of violence, I would suggest adding more context and motivation to Hector's behavior. This could be done through more dialogue and backstory that helps the audience understand why he's behaving this way.
  • Finally, I would suggest adding a clear resolution to the scene. This could be done through more dialogue and action that helps the audience understand whether Enola will be able to escape or whether she'll be able to find help.



Scene 10 -  Trapped in the Trunk
INT. GREY CHEVY - NIGHT

Glenn sweats in the driver’s seat. Beating and muffled *
screaming is barely audible, but very much present.

He drives very slowly, drivers around him complain by
honking.

Glenn stares ahead. He avoids looking in the rear view
mirrors.

He reaches into his jacket and takes out the metal flask. *
Checks if anybody is watching than takes a quick sip. *

Ah, that’s better. He takes another, more generous sip. *

A car passes by and the angry driver flips him the bird.

Glenn is surprised by the gesture and looks around.

Everybody in every car in front, behind, and to the sides
seem to stare at him.

Instinctively Glenn ducks and puts the flask back into the
pocket.

It seems that everybody knows what he knows.

The banging from the trunk is relentless and Glenn pumps up *
the volume of the classical music.

In one of the cars he passes by we see Sean and Mike. They *
pretend to ignore him. *


INT. GREY CHEVY / TRUNK - NIGHT

Sarah's panic is overwhelming.
25.


She can only scream and kick and try to free herself, but the *
more she tries the more her situation seems to worsen.

All of a sudden she is short of breath. She coughs as if
something got into her throat. She is choking and she cannot
breathe. *

Sarah starts breathing more from her nose and slowly but *
surely she is not coughing anymore.

The breathing becomes more regular and she starts to look
around to assess the situation.

She tries to rise but hits her head against the trunk lid. *

Darkness slowly becomes visible. The red light coming through
allows her to see things now.

Sarah notices her ankles are bound tight with a plastic rope. *
The more she tries to move them, the more she hurts herself.

Her hands are bound in the same way behind her back.

She checks her back pocket. Her phone is gone.

She looks for the trunk handle but can see that it has been *
removed.

Sarah notices that the car moves but the sound of the engine *
is very low.

The classical music that blasts from the speakers is
preventing her from hearing other noises, but she realizes *
that pretty often the car starts and stops, starts and stops.

She tries to look for a way to see outside but there are no *
holes or ways to look through.

Next time the car stops, she starts screaming with what
little voice that can come out of her tight gag, and kicks at
the trunk.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Glenn drives slowly in a grey Chevy, sweating and hearing muffled screaming from the trunk. Sarah, trapped inside, panics and tries to escape but ends up choking. She calms down and realizes she is bound and her phone is missing. The car stops and starts frequently, and Sarah tries to scream and kick for attention. The scene ends with Sarah desperately screaming and kicking in the trunk, hoping to get help.
Strengths
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Creating a sense of claustrophobia and desperation
  • Engaging the audience emotionally
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and on the edge of their seats. The situation is dire and the stakes are high, creating a sense of urgency.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a character being trapped in a confined space is not entirely unique, but the scene executes it well by using sensory details and creating a sense of helplessness.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around Sarah's attempt to escape from the trunk of the car. It is intense and gripping, driving the story forward and raising the stakes.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a character being trapped in a trunk is not entirely unique, the specific details and the use of classical music as a contrast to the intense situation add some freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The scene focuses primarily on Sarah, who is in a desperate situation. Her fear and determination are palpable, making her a compelling character. The other characters in the scene are not as developed.

Character Changes: 7

Sarah undergoes a change from initial panic to a more focused and determined mindset as she assesses her situation and tries to find a way out.

Internal Goal: 8

Glenn's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his composure and hide his knowledge of what is happening in the trunk. This reflects his fear of being discovered and his desire to keep the situation under control.

External Goal: 7

Glenn's external goal in this scene is to avoid drawing attention to himself and to continue driving without arousing suspicion.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense, as Sarah is trapped and fighting for her life. The tension is heightened by the unknown circumstances and the constant threat of danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as Glenn faces the challenge of hiding the situation in the trunk while driving and avoiding drawing attention to himself.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are extremely high in the scene, as Sarah's life is in immediate danger. The audience is invested in her survival and the outcome of her escape attempt.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a dangerous situation for Sarah and setting up the potential for further conflict and suspense.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because the reader is unsure of what will happen to the characters in the trunk and how Glenn will handle the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, anxiety, and empathy for Sarah. The audience is invested in her struggle and hopes for her escape.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is minimal, as Sarah is mostly alone in the trunk. However, her internal thoughts and reactions are effectively conveyed through her actions and the limited dialogue.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of mystery and suspense. The reader is immediately drawn into the situation and wants to know what will happen next.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the reader's interest. The slow driving and the intermittent starts and stops of the car contribute to the suspenseful atmosphere.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and character names.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the protagonist's internal and external goals, and sets up the conflict.


Critique
  • The scene is very suspenseful and tense, but it lacks any real character development or backstory for Sarah. We don't know who she is or why she's being kidnapped, which makes it difficult to connect with her as a character and care about her fate. This could be remedied by adding some flashbacks or dialogue in previous scenes to give us more insight into Sarah's life and personality.
  • The scene also feels a bit repetitive. Sarah's attempts to escape and the sound of her choking are repeated several times, which can become tedious for the audience. It might be more effective to vary the action and create a sense of urgency through different obstacles and challenges for Sarah.
  • The use of classical music as a distraction is an interesting idea, but it could be more effective if we had a clearer sense of why the kidnapper chose that particular type of music. Is it a personal preference? Is it meant to disorient Sarah? Clarifying these details could add another layer of meaning to the scene.
  • The scene also lacks any real dialogue or interaction between Sarah and the kidnapper. We only see her from the perspective of the trunk, which limits our understanding of the situation. It might be more effective to include some dialogue or monologue from the kidnapper to give us a better sense of his motivations and personality.
  • Finally, the scene could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience in Sarah's experience. What does the trunk smell like? How does the plastic rope feel against her skin? Adding these details could make the scene more visceral and impactful.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a flashback or dream sequence to give us more insight into Sarah's life and personality. This could help us understand why she's being targeted and why we should care about her fate.
  • Vary the action and create new obstacles for Sarah to overcome. This could make the scene more dynamic and engaging for the audience.
  • Clarify why the kidnapper chose classical music as a distraction. Is it a personal preference? Is it meant to disorient Sarah? This could add another layer of meaning to the scene.
  • Include some dialogue or monologue from the kidnapper to give us a better sense of his motivations and personality. This could make the scene more complex and interesting.
  • Add more sensory details to immerse the audience in Sarah's experience. What does the trunk smell like? How does the plastic rope feel against her skin? This could make the scene more visceral and impactful.



Scene 11 -  Surveillance Stakeout
EXT. GREY CHEVY - NIGHT

From the outside, in the traffic, nobody can hear her.

Just some classical music coming from the Grey Chevy.


EXT. EXCHANGE SPOT - NIGHT

A dark, empty parking area. Far enough from the lights of the
city, but still not desert.
26.


INT. FBI CAR - NIGHT

Brown uses binoculars with night vision. The images are very *
blurry.

Rodriguez sets up a telescopic microphone and a recording *
device.

BROWN *
You were right, we did make it on
time.

RODRIGUEZ *
I told you, I grew up around here.
I know every street, every bush and
gust of warm wind. Sometimes it's
so hot, it feels like you have a *
hair dryer pointed at your face.

BROWN *
I'm from Detroit, anything that is
warm... oh I'm fine with it.

Brown looks again into the binoculars. Still nothing but *
darkness and dust.

RODRIGUEZ *
He's late.

BROWN *
And?

RODRIGUEZ *
I mean what do we do if he's late?

BROWN *
We wait. The problem is... what if
there is no show. Source is-- *

RODRIGUEZ *
Someone's coming.

From the main road a car changes direction and quickly
approaches the exchange spot.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

Summary In this tense and suspenseful scene, Brown and Rodriguez are parked in a dark, empty parking area, surveilling someone. They discuss the heat and the possibility of the person being late. As they wait, they notice a car approaching the exchange spot.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Parallel storylines
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through its dialogue, setting, and character interactions. The multiple storylines and the introduction of new characters add complexity and intrigue to the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, which involves an exchange between law enforcement and criminals, is well-executed. The use of parallel storylines adds depth and complexity to the overall narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is engaging and propels the story forward. The introduction of new information, such as the address provided by Robby, adds intrigue and raises the stakes.

Originality: 5

This scene does not contain particularly unique situations or fresh approaches. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable and consistent with their roles as FBI agents.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are well-defined and their motivations are clear. The interactions between Rodriguez and Brown provide insight into their dynamic and professional relationship.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this particular scene, the interactions and decisions made by the characters contribute to their overall development and arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to successfully complete the exchange and gather information. This reflects their desire to fulfill their duty as FBI agents and their need to uncover the truth.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to wait for the person they are meeting and ensure the exchange goes smoothly. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining surveillance and gathering evidence.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external. The conflict between law enforcement and criminals, as well as the internal conflict within the characters, creates a sense of tension and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is moderate, as the protagonist faces the challenge of waiting for the person they are meeting and the uncertainty of the situation.

High Stakes: 10

The scene is filled with high stakes, as law enforcement and criminals engage in a dangerous exchange. The potential for violence and the risks involved create a sense of urgency and tension.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by providing crucial information and advancing the plot. The introduction of new characters and the revelation of the address in Palmdale add intrigue and raise the stakes.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because the audience does not know if the person they are waiting for will show up or what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a sense of fear and unease, particularly in the moments of danger and violence. The emotional impact is heightened by the vulnerability of the victims and the high stakes involved.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is sharp and realistic. It effectively conveys the tension and urgency of the situation, as well as the personalities of the characters involved.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of tension and anticipation through its atmospheric descriptions and dialogue.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of suspense and maintaining the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and action lines.


Critique
  • The scene with Sarah in the trunk is intense and suspenseful, but there are a few areas that could be improved to make it even more impactful. Firstly, the dialogue-free nature of the scene is effective in building tension, but it could benefit from some subtle sound design to enhance the audience's immersion. For example, the sound of Sarah's muffled screams could be amplified or distorted to make them more unsettling. Additionally, the sound of the car's engine could be made more prominent to create a sense of claustrophobia and disorientation. Secondly, the pacing of the scene could be adjusted to create more tension. The car's frequent stops and starts could be extended to make Sarah's struggle to escape more harrowing. Thirdly, the audience's connection to Sarah could be strengthened by providing more backstory or context about her situation. This could be achieved through a brief flashback or a voiceover from Sarah's perspective. Lastly, the scene could benefit from some visual elements to further immerse the audience in Sarah's experience. For example, the camera could be positioned inside the trunk with Sarah, or the audience could see Sarah's perspective through the car's rearview mirror. This would allow the audience to experience the scene from Sarah's point of view and feel more invested in her survival.
  • Another area that could be improved is the introduction of the Sean and Mike characters. While their presence adds to the overall sense of paranoia and danger, it could be more effective if their motivations and relationship to Sarah were clarified. This could be achieved through a brief conversation or interaction between Sean and Mike, or through a flashback that reveals their connection to Sarah. This would allow the audience to understand their role in the story and feel more invested in Sarah's fate.
Suggestions
  • To enhance the sound design, consider using a combination of distortion, reverb, and delay effects to make Sarah's screams more unsettling. Additionally, consider using a low-frequency rumble to simulate the sound of the car's engine. This could be achieved through the use of a synthesizer or a sound library. To adjust the pacing of the scene, consider extending the duration of the car's stops and starts to create a sense of claustrophobia and disorientation. This could be achieved through the use of longer takes and more deliberate camera movements. To strengthen the audience's connection to Sarah, consider providing a brief flashback or a voiceover from Sarah's perspective. This could be achieved through the use of a non-linear narrative structure or a dream sequence. To further immerse the audience in Sarah's experience, consider positioning the camera inside the trunk with Sarah, or using a handheld camera to simulate Sarah's perspective. This could be achieved through the use of a Steadicam or a handheld rig. To clarify the role of Sean and Mike, consider providing a brief conversation or interaction between them that reveals their connection to Sarah. This could be achieved through the use of dialogue or a visual cue, such as a photograph or a letter.



Scene 12 -  Confrontation in the Darkness
INT. HECTOR'S CAR - NIGHT
35 Hector drives into the darkness and parks. He turns off his35
lights.

He looks impatiently at his watch. Shakes Enola. *
27.


HECTOR
Wake up, Enola, time to wake up.

She is not waking up. *

HECTOR (CONT’D)
Son of a bitch!

He looks up. Sees car headlights approaching. They slow down *
and stop in front of Hector’s car. *

Hector cocks his gun.


INT. FBI CAR - NIGHT

BROWN
Ok, party time.

Rodriguez turns on the recorder and the speaker so they can
listen to the conversation.

The sound has glitches and sometimes drops for a few seconds.

The two agents react to the conversation (intercut when
needed).


EXT. EXCHANGE SPOT - NIGHT

The new car flashes its high beams three times. *

Hector gets out of the car. Keeps his gun hidden behind him. *

HECTOR
You're late.

AARON (30) walks towards Hector but seems to have a hard time *
with the uneven ground, lacking coordination. When he talks
his speech is slurred.

AARON
We have plenty of time.

HECTOR
It doesn't matter, you are late for
me.

AARON
Oh my, sweet heart, did you miss
me?

Aaron reaches for Hector's face. Hector swiftly grabs Aaron
arm and points the gun at his face. *
28.


HECTOR
What the fuck did you say to me?

AARON
Ok, ok. Just kidding. Ok?

Hector lets him go and holsters the stiletto back into a
special pocket on the side of his jeans.

HECTOR
Did you get high?

Aaron walks towards Hector's car. *

AARON
So, where is the welcoming
committee.

HECTOR
Asleep.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Hector drives into the darkness and tries to wake up Enola, but she remains unresponsive. Frustrated, Hector sees car headlights approaching and realizes it's the FBI agents. The agents turn on their recorder and speaker to eavesdrop on the conversation. Aaron, seemingly under the influence of drugs, arrives and flashes his high beams three times. Hector confronts Aaron at gunpoint, but eventually decides to let him go. Aaron asks about the welcoming committee, to which Hector replies that they are asleep.
Strengths
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Effective dialogue
  • Unexpected twist
Weaknesses
  • Limited exploration of FBI agents' perspectives
  • Potential for further development of themes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through its dialogue, actions, and the unexpected turn of events. The high-stakes nature of the exchange and the threat of violence create a sense of danger and urgency. The scene also introduces a twist when one character unexpectedly assaults the other, adding a layer of darkness and unpredictability.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a dangerous exchange between two parties is well-executed in this scene. It effectively establishes the risks involved and the power dynamics between the characters. The unexpected assault adds a unique element to the concept, heightening the tension and raising the stakes.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around the exchange between Hector and Aaron, with the FBI agents surveilling the situation. The tension and conflict between the characters drive the plot forward, and the unexpected assault adds a twist that propels the story in a new direction.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a tense exchange between characters is familiar, the specific details and actions of the characters are unique. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Hector and Aaron are well-defined in this scene. Hector is portrayed as a dangerous and impatient individual, while Aaron initially appears confident but later reveals vulnerability. The FBI agents, although not extensively explored in this scene, provide a contrasting perspective. The characters' actions and dialogue contribute to the overall tension and conflict.

Character Changes: 7

While there is some character development in this scene, particularly in Aaron's vulnerability and Hector's impatience, the focus is more on the immediate events rather than significant character changes. However, the assault on Enola could potentially have long-lasting effects on her character.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to wake up Enola and possibly confront Aaron. This reflects his need for control and his fear of being late or losing control of the situation.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to complete the exchange with Aaron. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing, such as the need to maintain his reputation and complete the transaction successfully.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in this scene is high, both in terms of the physical confrontation between Hector and Aaron and the underlying tension between the characters. The threat of violence and the power dynamics create a palpable sense of conflict and danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist confronts Aaron and points a gun at his face. The audience doesn't know how the situation will escalate or resolve.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in this scene are extremely high. The characters' lives are at risk, and the potential consequences of the exchange going wrong are severe. The assault on Enola adds an additional layer of high stakes and danger.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a twist in the exchange and raising the stakes for the characters. It creates new obstacles and challenges for the protagonists and sets the stage for further developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how the exchange will go and what actions the characters will take. The presence of the gun adds an element of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including suspense, fear, and shock. The assault on Enola elicits a strong emotional response, while the tension and uncertainty surrounding the exchange heighten the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in this scene effectively conveys the characters' motivations, emotions, and the power dynamics between them. The exchanges between Hector and Aaron are tense and filled with subtext. The dialogue also reveals the characters' personalities and adds depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it immediately introduces tension and suspense through the protagonist's actions and the presence of a gun. The dialogue and actions of the characters keep the audience invested in the outcome of the exchange.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension. The concise and direct dialogue and the focus on action keep the scene moving at a fast pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a description of the setting, introduces the characters, and progresses through their actions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene between Hector and Enola is disturbingly intense, but it feels like it could use more backstory to fully understand the dynamics between these characters. We don't know why Hector is controlling and abusive towards Enola, or what their relationship is beyond this one interaction. This lack of context makes it harder to fully invest in their conflict and care about Enola's safety.
  • The dialogue between Hector and Enola is sparse and doesn't reveal much about their characters or motivations. We need more dialogue to understand why Enola is trying to escape and what her relationship with Hector is. Without this information, it's hard to fully understand the stakes of the scene and care about Enola's fate.
  • The visual elements in this scene are effective at creating a tense and disturbing atmosphere, but they could be more specific to help us understand what's happening. For example, we don't know what the abandoned airport looks like or what makes it significant to the story. Without this information, it's hard to fully immerse ourselves in the scene and understand why it matters.
  • The pacing of this scene is slow and deliberate, which is effective at building tension, but it could use more variation to keep the audience engaged. We need more action or dialogue to break up the long stretches of silence and keep the scene moving forward.
  • The ending of this scene is abrupt and leaves us with more questions than answers. We don't know what happens to Enola after Hector leaves, or whether she's able to escape. This lack of resolution makes it hard to fully understand the stakes of the scene and care about Enola's fate.
Suggestions
  • To add more backstory to the relationship between Hector and Enola, consider adding a flashback or a dream sequence that reveals how they met and what led to their current dynamic. This will help us understand their relationship and care about Enola's safety.
  • To give us more insight into Enola's character and motivations, consider adding more dialogue between her and Hector. This will help us understand why she's trying to escape and what her relationship with Hector is.
  • To make the visual elements more specific and help us understand what's happening, consider adding more description of the abandoned airport and what makes it significant to the story. This will help us immerse ourselves in the scene and understand why it matters.
  • To add more variation to the pacing of the scene, consider adding more action or dialogue to break up the long stretches of silence. This will help keep the audience engaged and invested in the scene.
  • To give us more resolution and closure, consider adding a scene that reveals what happens to Enola after Hector leaves. This will help us understand the stakes of the scene and care about Enola's fate.



Scene 13 -  A Troubled Encounter
INT. FBI AGENTS' CAR - NIGHT

Rodriguez and Brown exchange a glance.

RODRIGUEZ *
'Welcoming committee'?

Brown shakes his head.

BROWN *
Shit, this is not our transaction.


EXT. EXCHANGE SPOT - NIGHT

AARON
Let's wake her up then.

Aaron approaches the passenger side and opens the door.

AARON (CONT’D)
Wake up girly. Time to go.

Enola doesn't answer. Aaron shakes her but she doesn't
respond.

AARON (CONT’D)
What the fuck?

HECTOR
She's been groggy all day. *
29.


Aaron lifts her face. Enola is pale and sweaty. *

AARON
Crap.

Aaron turns to Hector and his mood changes drastically.

AARON (CONT’D)
What's wrong with her?

HECTOR
I don't know, she was groggy.

AARON
You said that.

HECTOR
She had it rough yesterday.

AARON
Rough?

HECTOR
Yeah, with a client.

AARON
How rough?


INT. FBI AGENTS' CAR - NIGHT

Rodriguez gets tense.

Brown listens carefully.


EXT. EXCHANGE SPOT - NIGHT

HECTOR
Listen, I got to go, don’t have
time to waste with this bullshit. *

Aaron checks Enola again. He sees a bottle of water, grabs it
and throws it on her face.

She wakes up, barely.

ENOLA
What...

She cannot open her eyes.
30.


AARON
Help me out, give her some fresh *
air. *

Aaron and Hector pull Enola out from the car.

They don't notice the stain of blood that she leaves on the
passenger seat.

Enola takes three steps by herself and falls face first to
the ground.

AARON (CONT’D)
Shit, shit, shit. She is the
“welcoming committee” for tonight’s *
merchandise. Sean will kill me.

HECTOR
Listen, I got to go.

AARON
Bullshit, you don't go nowhere.

HECTOR
You're late, not me.

Hector walks back to the driver’s side of his car. Aaron *
pulls out his gun.

AARON
You go nowhere fucker!

Hector doesn't even bother to turn. He gets in his car.

AARON (CONT’D)
Don't you dare. I'll shoot you!

Hector speeds away, leaving Aaron dusty and pissed. He is on *
the verge of tears.

AARON (CONT’D)
I'll fuck your ass! You are a dead *
man, you understand, you are
fucking DEAD!

Aaron looks at Enola.

AARON (CONT’D)
Shit.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Aaron and Hector find Enola unconscious in the car, pale and sweaty. Aaron becomes concerned about her condition, but Hector reveals that she had a rough encounter with a client. They argue about their responsibilities, and Hector decides to leave. Aaron threatens Hector with a gun, but Hector drives away. Aaron is left angry and upset, realizing that Enola is the 'welcoming committee' for the upcoming transaction.
Strengths
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Effective dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potentially disturbing content

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly effective in creating a tense and disturbing atmosphere. The dialogue and actions of the characters contribute to the sense of danger and unpredictability. The scene successfully engages the audience and leaves a lasting impact.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a dangerous exchange involving drugs, violence, and a vulnerable woman adds a layer of suspense and intrigue to the scene. The introduction of the FBI agents observing the exchange adds another level of complexity to the story.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around the exchange between Aaron and Hector, with the added tension of Enola's condition. The scene effectively advances the overall plot by introducing conflict and raising the stakes for the characters involved.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a criminal transaction and the protagonist facing unexpected challenges is familiar, the specific details and dialogue add some freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene, particularly Aaron and Hector, are well-developed and their actions and dialogue contribute to the tension and conflict. Enola's vulnerability adds an emotional element to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The character of Aaron undergoes a significant change in the scene, transitioning from frustration and anger to desperation and fear. This change adds depth to his character and raises the stakes for the audience.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to figure out what is wrong with Enola and how it will affect their transaction. It reflects their fear of failure and the consequences they may face.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to complete the transaction successfully and deliver Enola as the 'welcoming committee'. It reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing in their criminal activities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both physical and emotional. The tension between Aaron and Hector, as well as the danger faced by Enola, creates a high-stakes situation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces challenges and obstacles that threaten their goals. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with Enola's life in danger and the potential consequences for Aaron and Hector. The scene creates a sense of urgency and danger.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and raising the stakes for the characters. It sets up future events and adds tension to the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the protagonist faces unexpected challenges and the outcome of the situation is uncertain. The audience doesn't know how the protagonist will handle the obstacles.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly fear, disgust, and empathy. The audience is deeply affected by Enola's vulnerability and the threat of violence.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is tense and impactful, effectively conveying the characters' emotions and motivations. The dialogue between Aaron and Hector reveals their relationship and the power dynamics at play.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation with intense dialogue and action. The reader or viewer is drawn into the tension and suspense of the scene.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension. The dialogue and action are fast-paced, keeping the reader or viewer engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with an establishing shot, introduces the characters, and progresses through their actions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear motivation for Aaron's sudden change in mood towards Hector. It would be helpful to establish a prior conflict or history between the two characters to explain this shift.
  • The dialogue between Rodriguez and Brown feels disconnected from the main action and could potentially be cut or moved to a different scene to avoid slowing down the pace.
  • The reveal of Enola's condition is sudden and lacks build-up. It would be more impactful to show signs of her distress earlier in the scene to create tension and suspense.
  • The exchange between Aaron and Hector feels rushed and lacks emotional weight. It would be more effective to give each character a chance to fully express their thoughts and feelings in this confrontation.
  • The ending of the scene is abrupt and leaves the audience with unanswered questions. It would be more satisfying to provide some resolution or closure to the conflict between Aaron and Hector.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a flashback or a conversation between Aaron and Hector in a previous scene to establish their history and motivate Aaron's behavior in this scene.
  • Consider moving the dialogue between Rodriguez and Brown to a different scene or cutting it altogether to avoid slowing down the pace.
  • Consider showing signs of Enola's distress earlier in the scene, such as her fidgeting or her eyes darting around nervously, to create tension and suspense.
  • Consider giving each character a chance to fully express their thoughts and feelings in the confrontation, allowing for a more emotional and impactful scene.
  • Consider providing some resolution or closure to the conflict between Aaron and Hector, such as Aaron realizing the gravity of his actions or Hector revealing a deeper motive for his behavior.



Scene 14 -  Tense Pursuit
INT. FBI AGENTS' CAR - NIGHT

Brown puts down the binoculars. *
31.


BROWN *
Shit!

RODRIGUEZ *
This is it?

BROWN *
No, this is not 'it'.

RODRIGUEZ *
This is just-- *

BROWN *
I can see it, ok?

RODRIGUEZ *
So, what should we do?

Brown calls. *

BROWN *
Brown here. No, this not it. Just
an exchange... one girl... he is
leaving right now.

Brown starts the car. *

RODRIGUEZ *
What are you doing?

BROWN *
(still on the phone)
Yes, sir. We should know more if-- *
I understand sir.

Brown hangs up. Starts to put the car into “Drive.” Rodriguez *
stops him.

BROWN (CONT’D)
I know what you are thinking.

RODRIGUEZ
We can't leave her.

BROWN
You know the drill-

RODRIGUEZ
But she is right there.

Brown is conflicted. *
32.


EXT. DESERT SPOT - NIGHT

Aaron drags Enola to his car and pushes her into the
passenger seat.

Aaron feels something.

He raises his hand under the car interior light and sees that
his hand is bloody.

He checks Enola and notices blood stains on her legs.

AARON
Shit! Shit! Shit! Fuck you!

Aaron picks up his phone.


INT. FBI AGENTS' CAR - NIGHT

Brown turns and looks towards Hector's car that is getting *
away.

BROWN *
We can't wait, we're losing him.

Brown speeds away after Hector’s car. *

RODRIGUEZ
Fuck.

Rodriguez tries to direct the microphone back to the meeting
point and is able to capture just a few more words.

AARON (O.S.)
She is bleeding... (inaudible)... I
don't know, from her...
(inaudible)... (inaudible)...
Doctor? Michaels? ...
(inaudible)...hols? He would know
what ... (inaudible)... call him?
Shit man!... (inaudible)...

Now just static sound comes through the mic. *

Rodriguez is visibly mad. She scribbles down a note "Dr. *
Michaels. Michols. ER?".

Brown keeps his eyes on their prey. *
33.


EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT

Back on the highway, the FBI agents keep themselves at
distance from Hector’s car.


INT. FBI AGENTS' CAR - NIGHT

Rodriguez opens up her computer.

BROWN
What are you doing?

RODRIGUEZ
Dr. Michaels, can’t be that far. *

BROWN
Eye on the prey, Rodriguez.

RODRIGUEZ
Just a minute-- *

BROWN
No! *

RODRIGUEZ
It's just a simple search.

BROWN
And then?

RODRIGUEZ
Then what?

BROWN
What’s next?

RODRIGUEZ
WHEN, when I find this... doctor...
we can alert local authorities. *

BROWN
And they will fuck up the entire
operation.

RODRIGUEZ
It’s one girl. *

BROWN
If we screw up and Mike dies, it’s
on us. You understand? You are
fucking an undercover agent. We
can’t risk it. *
34.


RODRIGUEZ
It's not fair, we know about her,
we can save her.

BROWN
Stop it! Now!

Rodriguez glances at the computer monitor. Three “Dr. *
Michaels” show up in the search - a veterinarian, a *
psychologist and a Reverend. *

RODRIGUEZ
Shit!

Rodriguez closes her laptop.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

Summary In a dark FBI agents' car, Brown and Rodriguez observe an exchange but realize it's not their target. Brown decides to pursue Hector's car, leaving Rodriguez frustrated. Meanwhile, Aaron discovers blood on his hand and Enola's legs. Rodriguez tries to gather information but only hears static. She searches for Dr. Michaels on her computer but finds multiple results. Brown warns Rodriguez about involving local authorities, and the scene ends with Rodriguez closing her laptop in frustration.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Effective pacing
  • Realistic dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited exploration of themes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and raises the stakes, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an undercover operation and a high-stakes exchange is well-executed and creates suspense.

Plot: 9

The plot progresses significantly in this scene, with the introduction of new complications and the escalation of the conflict.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of FBI agents tracking a suspect and trying to save a girl is a familiar one, the specific actions and dialogue of the characters feel authentic and true to their roles as law enforcement agents.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their motivations and conflicts are established effectively.

Character Changes: 7

Aaron experiences a shift in his priorities and becomes more concerned about Enola's condition.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to make a decision about whether to pursue the suspect or save the girl. This reflects their deeper need to balance their duty as an FBI agent with their desire to protect innocent lives.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to catch the suspect and prevent any harm to the girl. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing in their mission as FBI agents.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the FBI agents and the criminals, as well as the internal conflict within the criminals, creates a high level of tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces a difficult decision and conflicting priorities.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are high as Enola's life is in danger and the success of the undercover operation is at risk.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new complications and raising the stakes.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a new element (the girl's bleeding) that adds complexity to the situation and raises questions about the characters' next actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes emotions of fear, frustration, and concern for Enola's well-being.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and serves the purpose of conveying information and building tension.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation and creates tension through the characters' dialogue and actions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and keeping the audience engaged in the characters' actions and decisions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, spacing, and punctuation.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear objective or goal for the FBI agents. They seem to be waiting for something, but it's not clear what they're waiting for or why they're waiting in that specific location. This lack of clarity creates confusion and makes it difficult for the audience to understand the purpose of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Brown and Rodriguez feels forced and unnatural. The lines they deliver are short and lack depth, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters or understand their motivations.
  • The scene lacks tension and suspense. The audience is not invested in the outcome of the situation, as there is no clear conflict or danger present. This lack of tension makes it difficult for the audience to stay engaged and interested in the scene.
  • The scene feels disconnected from the rest of the story. It's not clear how this scene fits into the overall narrative or how it will impact the plot moving forward. This disconnection makes it difficult for the audience to understand the significance of the scene and why it's important.
  • The scene lacks visual interest. There are no significant visual elements or actions that stand out or capture the audience's attention. This lack of visual interest makes it difficult for the audience to stay engaged and invested in the scene.
Suggestions
  • To improve the scene, the writer should clarify the objective and goal of the FBI agents. What are they waiting for? Why are they waiting in that specific location? This clarity will help the audience understand the purpose of the scene and stay engaged.
  • To improve the dialogue, the writer should focus on creating more natural and organic conversations between the characters. This can be achieved by giving the characters distinct personalities and motivations, and allowing their dialogue to flow naturally from those traits.
  • To improve the tension and suspense, the writer should introduce a clear conflict or danger into the scene. This could be in the form of a rival gang or a dangerous situation that the FBI agents must navigate.
  • To improve the connection to the rest of the story, the writer should make it clear how this scene fits into the overall narrative. What impact will this scene have on the plot moving forward? This clarity will help the audience understand the significance of the scene and why it's important.
  • To improve the visual interest, the writer should introduce more significant visual elements or actions into the scene. This could be in the form of a dramatic car chase, a tense standoff, or a visually stunning location that captures the audience's attention.



Scene 15 -  Tense Moments and Surprising Revelations
INT. FBI WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

Robby sits at the table, drinking his coffee.

Agent Achak receives a call.

AGENT ACHAK
Achak here. Are you sure?

He hangs up.

AGENT ACHAK (CONT’D)
Well now, it seems you lied to us.

Robby is puzzled.

AGENT ACHAK (CONT’D)
There was no meeting with Mr.
Renzo. *

AGENT CALIFAN
What?

AGENT ACHAK
Nope, just another Merch exchange.

Agent Califan paces back and forth

ROBBY
I never said it was with Renzo. I
told you where you could find
Hector. He deals with Renzo. Stay
on Hector and you'll get Renzo.

AGENT CALIFAN *
Do you think this is funny? I'll
show what's funny.
35.


He picks up the hot coffee and throws it towards Robby's
face, missing him on purpose.

AGENT CALIFAN (CONT’D)
No more games!


EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET / PALMDALE - NIGHT *

SELENA (40), Latina, comfortable working clothes and
backpack, walks out of her house and heads down to the *
sidewalk. *

This is a Latino community. Kids play soccer on the street. *
Selena is greeted by two other WOMEN passing by. She keeps *
walking until she stops at a traffic light.

She kneels down beside a small memorial stone surrounded by *
toys.

Selena rearranges the toys so that they are not too spread *
about, changes an old teddy bear with a new one, and crosses
herself.

She closes her eyes for a brief prayer. Then she kisses her
fingers and touches the small picture of a 5-year-old girl. *

A white van stops right behind her. She steps into it, *
joining four other chatty mid-30s Latina ladies: MARISA, *
LUISA, HERNESTA, MONICA. *


INT. SEAN'S CAR - NIGHT *

Sean and Mike keep an eye on Glenn's car.

Sean's phone rings.

SEAN
What’s wrong?

AARON
Fuck you! Why you think-- *

SEAN
Because every time you call ME you *
are in trouble. *

AARON
I AM NOT in trouble! *

SEAN
Just a fucking courtesy call?
36.


AARON (O.S.)
I need money.

SEAN
OF COURSE, you need money. Do you
have her?

AARON (O.S.)
Yes, but she is in bad shape.

SEAN
What do you mean bad?

AARON (O.S.) (O.S.)
Bad as in 'no-fucking-welcome-
committee' tonight. *

SEAN
Fuck, no. You know I hate doing
this shit without the Welcoming
Committee. How bad? *

AARON (O.S.)
What the fuck do I know, I’m not a
fucking doctor. He wants me to get
her to the E.R.

SEAN
Are you sure? He wants YOU to bring
her?

AARON
Yes, yes!

SEAN
Lucky you.

AARON
Fuck you.

SEAN
And maybe gets some meds along the
way eh?

AARON (O.S.)
Listen, I'm just doing what I’m
told ok? If you don’t like it, call
HIM yourself, ok?

SEAN
Ok. Let's meet at the view in half
an hour.
37.


AARON (O.S.)
Ok.

Sean hangs up.

SEAN
I truly hate this shit, so
unprofessional.

MIKE
'Welcoming Committee'? *

SEAN
Yeah, sounds silly but it works
like a charm. When we get the
merchandise we always bring a
senior piece to calm her down and
keep her quiet. You have no idea
what a difference it makes. Gonna *
be a bumpy ride tonight.

MIKE
Well, trial by fire, right?

SEAN
You know it.

Mike reaches to his crotch and Sean notices it.

MIKE
Why money?

SEAN
You know, you ask too many
questions.

The meaning of that sentence sinks in.

MIKE
Why shouldn't I? I'm not afraid of *
the job. Asking questions is what
makes me good.

SEAN
Ok. But my answers are what will
keep you alive. You'd better
listen.


Omitted
38.


I/E. GREY CHEVY - NIGHT

The traffic is still moving slowly and the speakers still
blast classical music.

Glenn is tense. Both hands on the steering wheel.

He looks straight ahead. No glancing in the rear view mirror. *
Just straight ahead. But is he really paying attention? *

The red lights of the car in front get brighter and more *
intense. Glenn doesn’t slow down. *

At the last minute he realizes what he is doing. It's too
late, only chance is to swerve into the shoulder lane.

Glenn turns the wheel. Barely misses rear-ending the car up *
front.

He slams on the brakes. Takes a deep breath and then *
explodes. He slams his fists against the steering wheel.

GLENN
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Come on, come on.
Think. There must be... I... I
could give them the money back,
just park the car and... Stupid!
It's my fault, isn't it, right? God- *

Glenn stops talking when he notices the driver from the car *
that is passing by staring at him. *

Glenn smiles, pretending he is ok now. He flicks his turn *
signal and merges into traffic again. *

But something’s not right. He turns off the music. All is *
quiet. Too quiet.

The girl is not punching or screaming anymore. *

GLENN (CONT’D)
Hey girl? Can you hear me?

Sarah doesn't answer. *

GLENN (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Can you hear me?!

Still no response. *

Glenn listens carefully. No answer, no fight.

Glenn panics. He looks for an exit and leaves the highway.
39.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

Summary In this scene, Robby is confronted by Agent Achak for lying about a meeting with Mr. Renzo, leading to Agent Califan angrily throwing hot coffee at him. Meanwhile, Selena visits a memorial for a 5-year-old girl and is approached by four Latina women, who all get into a white van together. Sean and Mike discuss a phone call from Aaron, who urgently needs money and has someone in bad shape, planning to meet at a view in half an hour. Lastly, Glenn drives in a grey Chevy, swerves to avoid a collision, and panics when he realizes the girl in his car is unresponsive.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Character conflicts
Weaknesses
  • Lack of clarity in some character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the dialogue and actions of the characters. The unexpected twist of Enola being the 'Welcoming Committee' adds intrigue and raises the stakes. The conflict between Aaron and Hector creates emotional impact and keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using a 'Welcoming Committee' to ensure a smooth transaction is unique and adds an interesting layer to the scene. It also highlights the dangerous nature of the criminal world depicted in the screenplay.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is well-developed and moves the story forward. It introduces a new conflict between Aaron and Hector and raises questions about Enola's condition and the upcoming transaction.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While there are no unique situations or fresh approaches to familiar ones, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a sense of realism.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are well-defined and their actions and dialogue reveal their motivations and conflicts. Aaron's concern for Enola and his anger towards Hector create emotional depth, while Hector's decision to leave adds tension and unpredictability.

Character Changes: 8

The scene shows a change in Aaron's character as he becomes more concerned and protective of Enola. It also hints at a potential change in Hector's character as he decides to leave instead of confronting Aaron.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to prove his innocence and convince the agents that he did not lie to them. This reflects his need to protect himself and maintain his credibility.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to provide information about Hector and help the agents catch Renzo. This reflects the immediate challenge of finding Renzo and the circumstances of being interrogated by the agents.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, both in terms of physical confrontation and emotional tension. The confrontation between Hector and Aaron, as well as the discovery of Enola's condition, create a sense of urgency and danger.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist is faced with the challenge of proving his innocence and convincing the agents of his credibility.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, as Enola's condition and the success of the upcoming transaction are at risk. The confrontation between Aaron and Hector adds to the sense of danger and unpredictability.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and raising questions about Enola's condition and the upcoming transaction. It creates anticipation for the next developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it introduces unexpected information about the protagonist's innocence and the agents' investigation.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene elicits emotional responses from the audience through the characters' intense emotions and the high stakes involved. The concern for Enola and the anger between Aaron and Hector create a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is realistic and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships. The arguments between Aaron and Hector are particularly impactful and showcase their conflicting perspectives.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because it introduces conflict and raises questions about the protagonist's innocence and the agents' motives.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of tension and urgency through the characters' dialogue and actions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, spacing, and punctuation.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear objective or goal for the characters. Brown and Rodriguez seem to be waiting for someone, but it's not clear who or why. This lack of clarity creates confusion and makes it difficult for the audience to invest in the scene.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural. The characters' conversations are repetitive and lack depth. This makes it difficult for the audience to connect with them and understand their motivations.
  • The visual elements are underutilized. The scene takes place in a dark, empty parking area, but there are no significant visual elements or actions described. This lack of visual detail makes it difficult for the audience to visualize the scene and immerse themselves in the story.
  • The emotional tone of the scene is tense and suspenseful, but it's not clear why. The characters' actions and dialogue don't justify the tension, making it feel artificial and contrived.
  • The scene ends abruptly without any resolution or closure. The conflict between Brown and Rodriguez is not resolved, leaving the audience with unanswered questions and a sense of dissatisfaction.
Suggestions
  • To improve the scene, the writer should clarify the objective and goal of the characters. Who are they waiting for, and why? This will give the audience a clear understanding of the scene's purpose and make it more engaging.
  • The dialogue should be more natural and organic. The characters' conversations should reveal their personalities, motivations, and relationships. This will make the audience care about them and understand their actions.
  • The visual elements should be used to enhance the scene's atmosphere and mood. The writer should describe the setting in detail, using sensory language to create a vivid and immersive experience for the audience.
  • The emotional tone of the scene should be justified by the characters' actions and dialogue. The writer should ensure that the tension is earned and not artificial.
  • The scene should have a clear resolution or closure. The conflict between Brown and Rodriguez should be resolved, leaving the audience with a sense of satisfaction and closure.



Scene 16 -  Dark Encounter
EXT. HIGHWAY EXIT / PARKING AREA - NIGHT

Glenn parks the car in a dark side street. He looks back and *
yells. *

GLENN
Are you ok?

Still nothing. *

GLENN (CONT’D)
Can you hear me? Kick if you hear
me.

Glenn listens carefully.

GLENN (CONT’D)
Can you hear me?

No answer.

GLENN (CONT’D)
Fuck!

Glenn gets out of the car and walks back to the trunk. *

He hesitates, then opens it. Sarah lies still, her eyes *
closed. *

Glenn gets closer to see if she is breathing. No movement.

Now he can more clearly see her necklace that has an
engraving: SARAH.

He leans forward and puts two fingers on her neck to check
the pulse.

All of a sudden Sarah opens her eyes and tries to hit Glenn *
as hard as she can with her bound hands.

The punch hits Glenn on the face but it's not strong enough
to knock him out.

Glenn jumps back and hits his head with the trunk lid. When *
the pain subsides he sees two teary brown eyes staring at
him.

Sarah yells and screams and begs from behind the gag. She *
tries to free herself but she cannot.

Glenn slams the trunk closed.

GLENN (CONT’D)
Sorry, so sorry, I didn't mean it.
40.


He paces back and forth.

He reaches for his pocket and takes out his car keys with the
knife. The Marine Corps logo speaks to him.

GLENN (CONT’D)
Shit, what am I doing?

He pulls an old flip phone from his pocket. *

Beam lights from a car blind him. The car is parked right
behind his. How long it has been there?

He cannot see inside the car, not even the kind of car.

The other phone rings. Glenn quickly gets into the car and
answers.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Glenn parks the car in a dark side street and finds Sarah unconscious in the trunk. When she wakes up, she tries to attack him, but she is still bound. Glenn closes the trunk and feels guilty for his actions. He paces back and forth, conflicted. He takes out his car keys with a knife and a flip phone. Another car appears behind his, but he can't see inside. His phone rings and he quickly answers.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Strong character development
  • Effective tension and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity in some descriptions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and gripping, with a strong emotional impact and a significant plot development. The tension and suspense are effectively built, and the character's internal conflict adds depth to the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a character discovering a shocking revelation and facing the consequences of their actions is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot takes a significant turn as Glenn realizes the truth about Sarah and the dangerous situation he is in. This revelation propels the story forward and raises the stakes.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a character being bound in a trunk is not entirely unique, the specific actions and reactions of the characters, as well as the use of the Marine Corps logo and the unknown caller, add some freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable and contributes to the tension and suspense.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are effectively portrayed. Glenn's internal struggle and Sarah's desperate attempts to free herself create a strong emotional connection with the audience.

Character Changes: 9

Glenn undergoes a significant character change as he confronts the truth about Sarah and realizes the consequences of his actions. This realization leads to a shift in his mindset and decisions.

Internal Goal: 8

Glenn's internal goal in this scene is to determine if Sarah is alive and to apologize for accidentally hurting her. This reflects his deeper need for forgiveness and his fear of causing harm to others.

External Goal: 7

Glenn's external goal in this scene is to answer the phone and find out who is calling. This reflects the immediate challenge of the unknown caller and the circumstances of being in a tense situation with Sarah bound in the trunk.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving both internal and external conflicts. Glenn's struggle with his own actions and Sarah's desperate attempts to escape create a high level of tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, as Sarah's actions and attempts to free herself create a sense of conflict and danger for Glenn. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are extremely high in this scene, as Glenn discovers the truth about Sarah and faces the consequences of his actions. The danger and urgency are palpable.

Story Forward: 10

The scene moves the story forward significantly by revealing a crucial piece of information and raising the stakes for the characters. It sets the stage for further developments and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because the actions and reactions of the characters are not entirely expected. The sudden punch from Sarah and Glenn's conflicted emotions add an element of surprise and uncertainty.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, particularly fear, anxiety, and regret. The intense situation and the characters' emotional turmoil make a powerful impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and impactful, reflecting the characters' emotions and the high stakes of the situation. It effectively conveys the characters' thoughts and feelings.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it immediately presents a tense and mysterious situation with the character of Sarah bound in the trunk. The dialogue and actions of the characters create a sense of urgency and suspense, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of tension and urgency. The concise and direct writing style, as well as the focus on the characters' actions, keeps the scene moving at a brisk pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, character names, and action lines.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot and then focuses on the actions and dialogue of the characters in a linear progression.


Critique
  • The scene starts with Glenn parking his car and checking on Sarah. The dialogue between Glenn and Sarah is minimal, which leaves the audience guessing about Sarah's condition and what led to her being in the trunk. This lack of information could create tension and suspense, but it could also leave the audience feeling confused and disconnected from the scene. To improve this, the writer could consider adding more dialogue or visual cues to provide context and clarify Sarah's situation.
  • The scene then shifts to Glenn's reaction to Sarah's sudden movement and attack. This could be a turning point for the character, as he realizes the gravity of his actions and the danger Sarah poses. However, the scene ends abruptly with Glenn slamming the trunk closed and walking away. This leaves the audience with unanswered questions and a sense of incompleteness. To improve this, the writer could consider adding more dialogue or visual cues to show Glenn's thoughts and emotions, and to provide closure to the scene.
  • The scene also introduces a new element with the appearance of a car behind Glenn's. This could be a potential threat or a coincidence, but it's not clear from the scene. To improve this, the writer could consider adding more dialogue or visual cues to clarify the nature of the car and its occupants.
  • The scene also includes a phone call that Glenn receives, but the conversation is not revealed. This could be a plot twist or a red herring, but it's not clear from the scene. To improve this, the writer could consider adding more dialogue or visual cues to reveal the nature of the phone call and its significance to the plot.
  • Overall, the scene has a tense and suspenseful tone, but it could benefit from more dialogue, visual cues, and context to clarify the characters' motivations and actions.
Suggestions
  • To provide more context and clarify Sarah's situation, the writer could consider adding a flashback or a dream sequence that shows how Sarah ended up in the trunk. This could also reveal more about Glenn's relationship with Sarah and his reasons for keeping her captive.
  • To provide more dialogue and clarify the nature of the car and its occupants, the writer could consider adding a scene where Glenn interacts with the occupants of the car or receives a call from them. This could also reveal more about their motives and intentions.
  • To provide more dialogue and clarify the nature of the phone call and its significance to the plot, the writer could consider adding a scene where Glenn reveals the contents of the phone call to Sarah or to another character. This could also reveal more about the phone call's impact on the plot and its significance to the characters' motivations and actions.
  • To provide more dialogue and clarify Glenn's thoughts and emotions, the writer could consider adding a scene where Glenn reflects on his actions and their consequences. This could also reveal more about his character development and his relationship with Sarah.
  • To provide more dialogue and clarify the nature of the car and its occupants, the writer could consider adding a scene where Glenn interacts with the occupants of the car or receives a call from them. This could also reveal more about their motives and intentions.



Scene 17 -  Driving into Darkness
INT. GREY CHEVY - NIGHT *

SEAN
Why did you stop, Glenn? My *
associates are telling me you *
stopped again.

GLENN
Because I... I couldn't hear her
anymore, I was afraid... you said-- *

SEAN
And?

GLENN
She is... ok, she is alive.

SEAN
Good, great. You did good. I'm not
judging you for stopping, good
call. You did good.

GLENN
Listen, I was thinking, you know,
I'll leave all the money in the
car, I promise, can we let her go?
I mean... I never saw your face, I
just-- *

SEAN
But she saw YOUR face, we know
where YOUR daughter is and it's not
YOUR choice no more. Now this
business with this other phone you
had in your pocket.
(MORE)
41.
SEAN (CONT’D)
That's not good. I want you to open
your door, put it on the ground and
drive away.

GLENN
But, this is my phone, I just-- *

SEAN
I know, I know. I understand. You
can always tell your wife you lost
it, right?

GLENN *
I... I guess. *

SEAN
You trust me Glenn, don’t you? You *
should, because I care about you. *
But you see, I can replace you in a *
second.

The car behind Glenn moves forward a few feet.

SEAN (CONT’D)
So put the phone down and drive
away. That's it.

Glenn thinks about it. Then opens the door and puts his phone *
on the ground before driving away. *

SEAN (CONT’D)
Good. Thank you Glenn, I'll see you
soon.

Then the car lights turn off and Glenn remains completely in
the dark. He cannot see the car at all anymore.

Glenn moves back onto the highway and turns on the radio. *
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Glenn stops the car because he couldn't hear the person on the other end of the phone, but Sean reassures him that the person is alive and he did the right thing. Glenn suggests leaving the money in the car and letting the person go, but Sean reminds him that the person saw Glenn's face and they know where Glenn's daughter is. Sean also mentions another phone Glenn had in his pocket, which he instructs Glenn to put on the ground and drive away. After some hesitation, Glenn follows Sean's instructions and drives away. The scene ends with Glenn in complete darkness, unable to see the car anymore, and he turns on the radio.
Strengths
  • Intense tension
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • Strong emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity in some character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging and intense, with strong tension and suspense. It effectively conveys the internal struggle of Glenn and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a character being blackmailed and forced to make a difficult decision adds depth and complexity to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed and keeps the audience engaged. The scene moves the story forward by revealing the high stakes and the consequences of Glenn's actions.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a protagonist being coerced by a criminal is a familiar one, the specific dynamics and dialogue between Glenn and Sean bring a fresh approach to the scenario. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their motivations and conflicts are clearly portrayed. Glenn's internal struggle and Sean's manipulative nature create compelling dynamics.

Character Changes: 8

Glenn undergoes a significant character change as he is forced to confront his own moral values and make a difficult decision. This adds depth to his character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect his daughter and make a deal with Sean to let her go. This reflects his deeper need to keep his family safe and his fear of the consequences if he doesn't comply with Sean's demands.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to follow Sean's instructions and put his phone on the ground before driving away. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing, which include the threat to his daughter's safety and the power dynamics with Sean.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered. It involves internal conflict within Glenn, as well as the external conflict between Glenn and Sean.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in this scene is strong as Sean presents a clear threat to Glenn and his daughter. The audience is unsure of how Glenn will navigate the situation and whether he will be able to protect his family.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are extremely high in the scene, as Glenn's daughter's safety is at risk. This creates a sense of urgency and raises the tension.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing the consequences of Glenn's actions and setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how Glenn will respond to Sean's demands. There is a sense of uncertainty and tension as Glenn weighs his options and ultimately decides to comply with Sean's instructions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's desire to protect his daughter and Sean's assertion that he has lost control and must follow Sean's orders. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about personal agency and the lengths he is willing to go to ensure his family's safety.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, particularly anxiety, fear, and empathy for Glenn's predicament.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and impactful, effectively conveying the emotions and conflicts of the characters. It drives the scene forward and adds depth to the character relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes and tension created through the dialogue and actions of the characters. The audience is invested in the outcome and wants to know what will happen to Glenn and his daughter.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of tension and urgency. The dialogue and actions are concise and focused, keeping the scene moving at a steady pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, character names, and dialogue are properly formatted. The scene is easy to read and understand.

Structure: 9

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot and then focuses on the dialogue and actions of the characters. The scene has a clear beginning, middle, and end, with a climax when Glenn puts his phone on the ground and drives away.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a phone call between Sean and Glenn, but it's unclear who Sean is and why he's calling Glenn. This lack of context creates confusion for the reader and makes it difficult to understand the significance of the conversation.
  • The dialogue between Sean and Glenn is tense and urgent, but it's also repetitive and lacks depth. Sean's threats and demands feel one-dimensional and don't reveal much about his character or motivations.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Glenn driving away, leaving the reader with a sense of ambiguity and uncertainty. It's unclear what will happen to Glenn and Sarah, and the scene doesn't provide any resolution or closure.
  • The setting of the scene is vague and doesn't provide much visual detail. The reader doesn't know where Glenn and Sean are, or what the surroundings look like. This lack of sensory detail makes it difficult to immerse the reader in the scene and create a vivid and engaging experience.
  • The tone of the scene is intense and suspenseful, but it's also repetitive and lacks variety. The dialogue and actions feel predictable and formulaic, and the scene doesn't offer any surprises or twists.
Suggestions
  • To improve the scene, the writer could provide more context and backstory about Sean and Glenn's relationship. This would help the reader understand why Sean is calling Glenn and what their history is.
  • The writer could also add more depth and complexity to Sean's character. Instead of just making threats and demands, Sean could reveal more about his motivations and goals. This would make him a more interesting and dynamic antagonist.
  • To create more tension and suspense, the writer could introduce a new element or obstacle in the scene. For example, Sean could reveal that he has a deadline to meet, or that he's being watched by the police. This would add a sense of urgency and danger to the scene.
  • To make the scene more immersive and engaging, the writer could add more sensory detail and description. For example, the writer could describe the sound of the phone ringing, or the feel of the car seat beneath Glenn's body. This would help the reader visualize the scene and feel more connected to the characters and their experiences.
  • To add more variety and unpredictability to the scene, the writer could introduce a new character or plot twist. For example, Sean could reveal that he has a partner or accomplice, or that he's being followed by the police. This would add a sense of complexity and intrigue to the scene, and keep the reader guessing until the very end.



Scene 18 -  A Sinister Plan Unveiled
INT. SEAN'S CAR - NIGHT

Sean opens the door and picks up Glenn’s phone. *

He checks the FIND MY PEOPLE app on the phone. *

SEAN
I bet his wife and daughter are at
the top of the Favorites List. *

Sean smiles.

SEAN (CONT’D)
We are so predictable.
42.


Sean puts down the phone and drives away in the opposite *
direction.

MIKE
We’re not following him? *

SEAN
No, we need to get to Aaron.

MIKE
What if-- *

SEAN
He won't. *

MIKE
How do you know?

SEAN
Experience. *

MIKE
I don't think we can trust him. *

SEAN
Everything is under control, don't
worry.

MIKE
Don't worry? What if he goes to *
the police? I think-- *

SEAN
He won't go. *

MIKE
I think we should follow them. *

SEAN
We can’t and we won't. Now forget *
it. *

Mike is tense.

MIKE
How do you know? *

SEAN
Empathy. The true key is to know
people.

MIKE
Empathy as in... liking them? *
43.


SEAN
Empathy is more than just liking
them. It’s understanding... geez I *
sound like my acting coach.

Mike keeps glancing in his side view mirror as Glenn’s car *
disappears down the highway. *

MIKE
Acting coach? Thought you were a
cop.

SEAN
Best training ever. You know that *
actors are considered 'lie
detectors'? Observing people is *
their job description.

MIKE
So you like... Glenn?

Mike pretends to calm down but the way he holds his hat tells *
a different story. Sean notices it.

SEAN
What's not to like? Such a good
man, a good American. A veteran. He
worked so hard for his family.
Sending his daughter to college is
huge. Did you know they lost their *
son when he was 8? Such a tragedy.
Stray bullet.

MIKE
Aren't we going to kill him?

SEAN
Of course I'm going to kill him.
The fact I like him doesn't mean
I'll let him fuck me in the ass.
Empathy helps you understand
people. But then you do not
hesitate to use their weaknesses *
against them. It's a kill or be
killed world. I didn't invent it.
Poor Glenn didn't invent it either. *
But hey, he accepted the money, *
didn't he?

MIKE
How do you know so much about him?
44.


SEAN
I told you, I know people. I'm a *
lie detector. And I do my own *
research and... I have my sources.

MIKE
Your old rat friends? *

SEAN
Let's just say I like to know who
I'm working with.

MIKE
Oh, yeah. What do you know about
me?

SEAN
Enough to let you ride shotgun
tonight, my friend.

Both Sean and Mike smile.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

Summary In this tense and secretive scene, Sean picks up Glenn's phone and checks the FIND MY PEOPLE app. He smiles and puts down the phone before driving away. Mike suggests following Glenn, but Sean insists on going to Aaron instead. Despite Mike's concern about Glenn going to the police, Sean reassures him. They discuss empathy and Sean's acting background. As Glenn's car disappears down the highway, Sean reveals his chilling plan to kill him, explaining his twisted perspective on empathy. Mike questions how Sean knows so much about Glenn, and Sean mentions his sources and research. The scene ends with both of them smiling, leaving the audience with an unsettling sense of foreboding.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Tense and suspenseful tone
  • Complex character dynamics
Weaknesses

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene is highly engaging and keeps the audience on edge with its tense and suspenseful tone. The dialogue is sharp and reveals important information about the characters' motivations and plans. The scene also introduces a moral dilemma for the characters, adding depth to the plot.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of using empathy as a tool for manipulation is intriguing and adds complexity to the characters' actions. The scene also explores the theme of moral ambiguity and the lengths people are willing to go for their own gain.

    Plot: 9

    The plot of the scene is well-developed and moves the story forward by revealing Sean's intentions and plans. It also introduces a conflict between Sean and Mike regarding their trust in Glenn. The scene ends with a cliffhanger, leaving the audience eager to know what will happen next.

    Originality: 7

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of characters discussing their plans and potential risks is familiar, the dialogue and the protagonist's justification for their actions add a fresh approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the scene's originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters in the scene, particularly Sean and Mike, are well-defined and their motivations and personalities are revealed through their dialogue. Sean's manipulative nature and use of empathy make him a compelling and complex character.

    Character Changes: 7

    While there is not a significant character change in this scene, it reveals more about Sean's manipulative nature and his use of empathy as a tool for his own gain.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and ensure the success of their plan. This reflects their need for power and control, as well as their fear of failure or being caught.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to reach Aaron, suggesting that they are on a mission or have a specific task to accomplish. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict between Sean and Mike regarding their trust in Glenn adds tension and suspense to the scene. The audience is left wondering how this conflict will be resolved and what it means for the characters' plans.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in this scene is strong, as there is a conflict between the protagonist and the potential risks they face. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold and what obstacles the characters will encounter.

    High Stakes: 9

    The stakes are high in the scene as Sean and Mike discuss their plans and the consequences of Glenn potentially going to the police. The audience is left wondering what will happen to Glenn's wife and daughter and how Sean's plans will unfold.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward by revealing Sean's intentions and plans, as well as introducing a conflict between Sean and Mike. It also leaves the audience with a cliffhanger, creating anticipation for the next scene.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because it introduces conflicting information and motivations between the characters. The audience is unsure of the protagonist's true intentions and how the situation will unfold.

    Philosophical Conflict: 6

    There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in using people's weaknesses against them and the potential moral dilemma of doing so. This challenges the protagonist's values and worldview, as they justify their actions based on the 'kill or be killed' nature of the world.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The scene evokes a sense of tension and suspense, keeping the audience emotionally engaged. The moral dilemma faced by the characters also adds an emotional depth to the scene.

    Dialogue: 10

    The dialogue in the scene is sharp, engaging, and reveals important information about the characters and their motivations. It also adds tension and conflict between Sean and Mike, making the scene highly compelling.

    Engagement: 8

    This scene is engaging because it creates suspense and intrigue through the characters' dialogue and the revelation of their plans. The tension between the characters and the potential risks they face keeps the audience invested in the scene.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension through the characters' dialogue and actions. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and interested in the unfolding events.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action lines in a clear and organized manner.

    Structure: 9

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot and then focuses on the dialogue between the characters, building tension and revealing information.


    Critique
    • The scene starts with Sean picking up Glenn's phone and checking the FIND MY PEOPLE app. This action immediately raises questions about why Sean has Glenn's phone and what he's doing with it. It's unclear whether Sean has taken the phone from Glenn or if Glenn has willingly handed it over. This lack of clarity creates confusion and raises tension in the scene. To clarify this, the writer could add a line or two to explain how Sean came into possession of the phone.
    • Sean's statement about predictability and control over Glenn's family is a bit too casual and almost seems like a joke. It's unclear whether Sean is serious or not, and this ambiguity takes away from the tension and danger that should be present in the scene. To make this line more impactful, the writer could add some context or dialogue that makes it clear that Sean is indeed serious about his control over Glenn's family.
    • Mike's hesitation and questioning of Sean's decisions is a good source of tension in the scene, but it's not fully explored. The writer could expand on Mike's doubts and fears, and perhaps even have him voice some of his concerns more explicitly. This would add depth to Mike's character and make his actions in the scene more understandable.
    • Sean's explanation of empathy and understanding people is a bit too abstract and philosophical. It's unclear how this relates to the scene and what practical application it has. To make this line more impactful, the writer could provide some examples of how Sean has used empathy to understand people in the past, or perhaps even have Sean demonstrate this ability in the scene itself.
    • The scene ends with Sean and Mike driving away, and Glenn turning on the radio. This is a bit abrupt and doesn't provide any sense of closure or resolution to the scene. To make the ending more satisfying, the writer could add a line or two that ties the scene together and provides some sense of closure.
    Suggestions
    • To clarify how Sean came into possession of Glenn's phone, the writer could add a line where Sean explains that he found the phone in Glenn's car during their previous encounter. This would provide some context and make Sean's actions in this scene more understandable.
    • To make Sean's statement about predictability and control over Glenn's family more impactful, the writer could have Sean explain how he learned about Glenn's family through his research or his sources. This would provide some context and make Sean's actions in this scene more understandable.
    • To expand on Mike's doubts and fears, the writer could have Mike voice some of his concerns more explicitly. For example, Mike could say something like, 'I don't think we should follow him. What if he goes to the police?' or 'I'm not sure we can trust him.' This would add depth to Mike's character and make his actions in the scene more understandable.
    • To make Sean's explanation of empathy more impactful, the writer could provide some examples of how Sean has used empathy to understand people in the past. For example, Sean could say something like, 'I know how Glenn feels. I've been in his shoes before.' or 'I understand what he's going through because I've been there myself.' This would provide some context and make Sean's actions in this scene more understandable.
    • To provide some sense of closure to the scene, the writer could have Sean or Mike reflect on what they've learned about Glenn and his family. For example, Sean could say something like, 'We need to be careful with Glenn. He's a good man, but he's also desperate.' or 'We can't underestimate Glenn's family. They're not going to make this easy for us.' This would provide some closure to the scene and set up the next scene in the story.



    Scene 19 -  Departure
    EXT. AIRPORT - NIGHT

    A small airplane lands at the Clearwater air field.

    Three large MEN in suits with some heavy luggage quickly get *
    off the plane. *

    They are followed by MR. RENZO (50), skinny, in a suit one *
    size too large, darting eyes behind thick glasses.

    He looks around before leaving the airplane and walks towards *
    the little control building. *

    Mr. Renzo makes a call.


    INT. HECTOR'S CAR - NIGHT

    Hector sits in his car. Hears a phone ringing. *

    He takes out a different phone from the previous one and
    answers.

    HECTOR
    Good trip?

    MR. RENZO (O.S.)
    Yes, just landed. Ready in one
    hour.
    45.


    HECTOR
    One hour? Great.

    Hector hangs up and makes another call.

    HECTOR (CONT’D)
    We are set. When you get there text
    me and I'll give you the final
    destination.
    (beat) *
    Because I say so.

    Hector hangs up and drives away.


    INT. JIMMY'S HOME - NIGHT

    UNCLE JOSH (30), Caucasian, muscle-beach kind of guy, hangs *
    up the call. He looks at his wife, AUNT MONICA (30),
    Caucasian, pregnant.

    He nods, she is shaken.

    Uncle Josh walks into a small room. Emerges holding Jimmy, *
    just woken up.

    Aunt Monica is in tears.

    AUNT MONICA
    Are you sure? What-- *

    UNCLE JOSH
    Remember for whom we’re doing this. *

    He touches her belly and kisses her.

    Jimmy is groggy and puzzled.

    Aunt Monica notices.

    AUNT MONICA
    Do what Uncle Josh tells you to do, *
    Ok?

    Jimmy is now clearly alarmed.

    AUNT MONICA (CONT’D)
    You’re a good boy, Jimmy. A good *
    boy and Aunt Monica loves you.

    Uncle Josh picks up the keys and walks towards the door,
    Jimmy gets agitated. Clearly he has some sort of speech
    impediment.
    46.


    AUNT MONICA (CONT’D)
    Jimmy, look at me. Don’t worry, *
    everything is ok. I'll see you
    soon, ok? I love you. *

    Uncle Josh walks out of the house still holding Jimmy. Aunt *
    Monica follows them. *

    AUNT MONICA (CONT’D)
    You be a good boy, now. I'll see
    you later.

    Uncle Josh puts Jimmy into the passenger seat of his car. *
    Belts him in. *

    Before closing the door Uncle Josh looks Jimmy in the eye.

    UNCLE JOSH
    Jimmy, you are growing up now. You
    need to behave like a man, ok?
    We’re gonna have fun, me and you. *
    Stop this crying. You trust me, *
    right?

    Jimmy's tear-streaked eyes stare at Aunt Monica. *

    UNCLE JOSH (CONT’D)
    You trust me, right?

    Jimmy doesn't seem to hear him. His eyes stay glued on Aunt *
    Monica.

    Uncle Josh slams the door.

    AUNT MONICA
    Whatever happens-- *

    UNCLE JOSH
    I know. *

    AUNT MONICA
    Whatever happens, DO NOT GET *
    CAUGHT! *

    UNCLE JOSH
    Of course.

    AUNT MONICA
    You see the cops, you run. Right?

    UNCLE JOSH
    Yeah.

    They kiss and Uncle Josh gets in the car.
    47.


    He drives away while Jimmy keeps looking at the house he just
    left.
    Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

    Summary A small airplane lands at Clearwater air field, and three large men in suits quickly disembark along with Mr. Renzo. Mr. Renzo makes a call while Hector sits in his car and answers a phone call. Uncle Josh hangs up a call and takes Jimmy out of the house, leaving Aunt Monica in tears. Aunt Monica tells Jimmy to be a good boy, and Uncle Josh instructs him to behave like a man. They share a kiss before Uncle Josh drives away, leaving Jimmy staring at the house he just left.
    Strengths
    • Effective tension and suspense
    • Well-developed plot and characters
    • Engaging dialogue
    Weaknesses
    • Limited exploration of character changes
    • Underdeveloped theme

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene effectively establishes the tone and atmosphere of the story, introduces important characters, and creates anticipation for what will happen next.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of the scene, which involves various characters and their interconnected stories, is intriguing and engaging.

    Plot: 9

    The plot of the scene is well-developed and sets up multiple storylines that will likely intersect later in the screenplay.

    Originality: 4

    The level of originality in this scene is relatively low. The situations and characters are familiar and there are no fresh approaches or unique elements that make it stand out.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters in the scene are distinct and have clear motivations and conflicts, making them compelling and interesting to follow.

    Character Changes: 7

    While there are hints of character changes, such as Glenn's conflicted actions and Jimmy's growing fear, they are not fully explored in this scene.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that Jimmy's internal goal is to understand and cope with the situation he is being thrust into. This reflects his deeper need for security, love, and stability.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to follow his uncle's instructions and behave like a man. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing, which involve leaving his home and being taken somewhere by his uncle.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The scene is filled with various conflicts, both internal and external, which create tension and drive the story forward.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in this scene is moderate. The protagonist faces challenges and obstacles in the form of leaving his home and being taken somewhere by his uncle.

    High Stakes: 9

    The stakes are high in the scene, with characters involved in dangerous situations and facing potential consequences for their actions.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing new information, raising questions, and setting up future events.

    Unpredictability: 6

    This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it raises questions about the protagonist's situation and the events that will unfold.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The scene evokes emotions such as anxiety, concern, and conflict, making it emotionally impactful for the audience.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations, adding depth to their interactions.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it introduces a sense of mystery and suspense. The audience is left wondering about the circumstances and challenges the protagonist is facing.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency and tension.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It introduces the setting, characters, and their goals in a clear and concise manner.


    Critique
    • The scene starts with a phone call between Hector and Mr. Renzo, but it lacks tension and urgency. The dialogue feels rushed and lacks context, making it difficult for the audience to understand the significance of the call. To improve this, the writer could add more details about the nature of the trip and the reason for the urgency.
    • The scene with Uncle Josh and Aunt Monica is emotionally charged, but it feels disconnected from the rest of the story. The audience is not given enough context about Jimmy and his relationship with his family, making it difficult to empathize with him. To improve this, the writer could provide more backstory about Jimmy and his family, as well as more dialogue between Uncle Josh and Aunt Monica to establish their dynamic.
    • The scene with Sean and Mike feels disjointed and lacks a clear purpose. The dialogue is vague and lacks context, making it difficult for the audience to understand the significance of the conversation. To improve this, the writer could provide more context about Sean's plan to kill Glenn and Mike's concerns about Glenn going to the police.
    • The scene with Robby in the FBI warehouse is tense and suspenseful, but it lacks a clear resolution. The conflict between Robby and Agent Achak is not fully resolved, leaving the audience with unanswered questions. To improve this, the writer could provide a clear resolution to the conflict, either through Robby's cooperation or his arrest.
    • The scene with Glenn in the parking area is intense, but it lacks a clear motivation for Glenn's actions. The audience is not given enough context about Glenn's relationship with Sarah or his reasons for keeping her bound and unconscious. To improve this, the writer could provide more backstory about Glenn and Sarah, as well as more dialogue between Glenn and Sarah to establish their dynamic.
    Suggestions
    • To improve the scene with Hector and Mr. Renzo, the writer could add more context about the nature of the trip and the reason for the urgency. For example, the writer could reveal that Mr. Renzo is a notorious criminal who needs Hector's help to transport a valuable object. This would add tension and urgency to the scene and make the audience more invested in the story.
    • To improve the scene with Uncle Josh and Aunt Monica, the writer could provide more backstory about Jimmy and his family. For example, the writer could reveal that Jimmy has a medical condition that requires frequent hospital visits, making it difficult for Aunt Monica to care for him. This would add emotional depth to the scene and make the audience more invested in Jimmy's welfare.
    • To improve the scene with Sean and Mike, the writer could provide more context about Sean's plan to kill Glenn and Mike's concerns about Glenn going to the police. For example, the writer could reveal that Sean has a personal vendetta against Glenn, or that Mike is worried about the legal consequences of Glenn's actions. This would add tension and conflict to the scene and make the audience more invested in the story.
    • To improve the scene with Robby in the FBI warehouse, the writer could provide a clear resolution to the conflict. For example, the writer could reveal that Robby has been working undercover for the FBI and has been gathering evidence against Mr. Renzo. This would add a twist to the story and make the audience more invested in Robby's character.
    • To improve the scene with Glenn in the parking area, the writer could provide more backstory about Glenn and Sarah. For example, the writer could reveal that Glenn and Sarah have a complicated relationship, or that Sarah has been a victim of abuse. This would add emotional depth to the scene and make the audience more invested in Glenn's actions.



    Scene 20 -  Tension and Secrets Unveiled
    INT. VAN - NIGHT *

    The Cleaning Ladies chatter to each other. Selena keeps *
    quiet, pensive. *

    MARISA *
    (in Spanish) *
    Why so serious Selena? Your husband *
    cheating on you? *

    LUISA *
    Shush! *

    MARISA *
    What, I’m joking! *

    HERNESTA *
    Shush, don’t you remember, today is *
    the anniversary. *

    Marisa is puzzled, then she remembers. *

    MARISA *
    I’m sorry Selena, I didn’t mean... *
    May your daughter be with God. *

    All the women cross themselves. All but Selena. *

    The van stops. *

    HERNESTA *
    This is me. *

    While they all say goodbye, Hernesta picks up cleaning tools *
    from the back of the van and walks towards a store. *

    *


    INT. GREY CHEVY / TRUNK - NIGHT

    Sarah is more calm now. She assesses the situation.

    The Emergency Release's fluorescence has faded but now she
    can see it.

    She tries to reach the Emergency Release. *

    She turns with her belly down and struggles to push back her *
    tied hands.
    48.


    The effort is very painful and in the end the fluorescent
    handle is too far.

    Then she turns around again and tries getting closer with her
    mouth but the gag prevents her from biting the fluorescent
    handle.

    Sarah tries to reach with her foot but the space is too small *
    to lift her feet closer to the handle. *

    Then she tries to grab the handle with her knees. After
    multiple attempts she succeeds.

    She grabs it and pulls but nothing happens.

    Sarah tries multiple times until the handle gives in - it was *
    already disconnected from the trunk.

    Sarah screams out of frustration and fear.


    INT./EXT. SEAN'S CAR - NIGHT

    Sean and Mike are already at the meeting spot. When Aaron *
    parks, Sean gets out of his car with the envelope. *

    Sean gives the envelope to Aaron, but holds on to it. *

    SEAN
    Do not be stupid, ok?

    AARON
    (his slur is getting
    worst)
    I'm not-not stupid.

    Sean lets him take the envelope. Aaron checks that the *
    banknotes are inside.

    SEAN
    Rats around tonight. I might have
    one riding shotgun, there may be *
    more.

    AARON
    (laughing)
    Now you tell-tell ME. Shit, I
    didn't like it al- already.

    They go separate ways. Sean goes back into his car with Mike.

    Aaron back to his car with Enola. Aaron drives away.
    49.


    MIKE
    Why was he was laughing?

    SEAN
    I told him I think you’re a Fed. *

    Mike’s stunned. Sean bursts into a loud laugh. *

    SEAN (CONT’D)
    Fuck, you should see your face.

    MIKE
    That's not funny man.

    SEAN
    I know.

    Sean turns on the engine and drives away.
    Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

    Summary In this scene, the Cleaning Ladies chat in a van while Selena remains quiet and pensive. Marisa jokes about Selena's husband cheating, but Luisa reminds her that it's the anniversary of Selena's daughter's death. Hernesta gets out of the van and heads towards a store. Meanwhile, Sarah struggles to free herself from the trunk of a car. In another location, Sean gives Aaron an envelope and warns him not to be stupid. Sean then reveals to Mike that he told Aaron he thinks Mike is a Fed, leaving Mike stunned. The scene ends with Sean driving away with Mike, while Aaron drives away with Enola.
    Strengths
    • Intense suspense
    • Intriguing characters
    • High stakes
    Weaknesses
    • Minimal dialogue

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene is highly suspenseful and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The intense struggle of Sarah adds a sense of urgency and fear. The introduction of Sean and Mike adds intrigue and raises questions about their motives and the overall plot.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of a character being trapped in a trunk and desperately trying to escape is a familiar trope in thrillers, but the scene adds a unique twist by having the emergency release already disconnected. This raises the stakes and adds an extra layer of tension.

    Plot: 9

    The plot of the scene revolves around Sarah's attempt to escape and the introduction of Sean and Mike. It raises questions about their connection to Sarah and their intentions. The scene moves the overall story forward by introducing new elements and increasing the tension.

    Originality: 3

    The level of originality in this scene is low. The situations and actions are fairly common and there are no fresh approaches to familiar elements. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is not explicitly described.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters of Sarah, Sean, and Mike are intriguing and mysterious. Sarah's struggle and determination make her a sympathetic character. Sean's manipulative nature and Mike's loyalty add depth to their personalities.

    Character Changes: 7

    Sarah undergoes a change in the scene as she goes from being unconscious to waking up and desperately trying to escape. Glenn also experiences a change as he grapples with his actions and ultimately follows Sean's instructions.

    Internal Goal: 0

    Selena's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated.

    External Goal: 7

    Sarah's external goal in this scene is to escape from the trunk of the car.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external. Sarah's struggle to escape creates intense physical conflict, while Glenn's internal conflict about his actions adds emotional conflict. The introduction of Sean and Mike also hints at a larger conflict.

    Opposition: 6

    The opposition in this scene is moderate. Sarah faces physical obstacles in her attempt to escape, and Aaron's laughter creates a sense of uncertainty.

    High Stakes: 9

    The stakes are high in the scene as Sarah's life is in danger and Glenn's actions could have serious consequences. The introduction of Sean and Mike adds to the sense of danger and raises the stakes even further.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing new characters and raising questions about their motives. It also increases the tension and adds to the overall mystery of the plot.

    Unpredictability: 4

    This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it includes unexpected actions and twists, such as Sarah's failed attempts to escape and Aaron's laughter.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The scene evokes fear, frustration, and tension in the audience. Sarah's desperate struggle and Glenn's conflicted emotions create an emotional impact. The uncertainty surrounding Sean and Mike's motives also adds to the emotional tension.

    Dialogue: 7

    The dialogue in the scene is minimal but effective. It conveys the necessary information and adds to the tension and suspense. The brief exchange between Sean and Mike adds intrigue and hints at their relationship.

    Engagement: 6

    This scene is engaging because it presents a tense situation and raises questions about the characters' motivations and actions.

    Pacing: 7

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency and tension.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes proper indentation, dialogue formatting, and scene transitions.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings and action lines.


    Critique
    • The scene in which Sarah tries to escape from the trunk is intense and suspenseful, but it could be more impactful if we see more of Sarah's emotions and thoughts. We should add some inner monologue or close-ups of her face to convey her fear and desperation. Also, the scene could benefit from some sound design, such as Sarah's muffled screams and the sound of the trunk lid closing and opening. This would add to the suspense and make the audience more invested in Sarah's plight.
    • The dialogue between Sean and Aaron is intriguing, but it feels a bit rushed. We should give more context to their relationship and why Sean thinks Mike might be a Fed. This would add to the tension and make the audience more invested in the outcome of their conversation.
    • The scene in which Glenn stops the car because he couldn't hear the person on the other end of the phone is important, but it could be more engaging if we see more of Glenn's thoughts and emotions. We should add some inner monologue or close-ups of his face to convey his fear and uncertainty. Also, the scene could benefit from some sound design, such as the sound of the phone ringing and Glenn's heartbeat. This would add to the suspense and make the audience more invested in Glenn's decision-making process.
    • The scene in which Sean picks up Glenn's phone and checks the FIND MY PEOPLE app is intriguing, but it could be more impactful if we see more of Sean's thoughts and emotions. We should add some inner monologue or close-ups of his face to convey his satisfaction and confidence. Also, the scene could benefit from some sound design, such as the sound of Sean's fingers tapping on the screen and the app's notification sound. This would add to the suspense and make the audience more invested in Sean's plan.
    • The scene in which Hector answers a phone call and makes another call is important, but it could be more engaging if we see more of Hector's thoughts and emotions. We should add some inner monologue or close-ups of his face to convey his urgency and determination. Also, the scene could benefit from some sound design, such as the sound of the phone ringing and Hector's voice on the other end. This would add to the suspense and make the audience more invested in Hector's mission.
    Suggestions
    • To make the scene with Sarah more impactful, we could add some flashbacks or dream sequences to show how she ended up in the trunk. This would add to the mystery and make the audience more invested in her story.
    • To make the scene with Sean and Aaron more engaging, we could add some flashbacks or dream sequences to show their past interactions and why Sean thinks Mike might be a Fed. This would add to the tension and make the audience more invested in their relationship.
    • To make the scene with Glenn more engaging, we could add some flashbacks or dream sequences to show how he ended up in this situation and why he's so desperate to let the person go. This would add to the mystery and make the audience more invested in his decision-making process.
    • To make the scene with Sean more impactful, we could add some flashbacks or dream sequences to show how he became such a ruthless and calculating person. This would add to the mystery and make the audience more invested in his character.
    • To make the scene with Hector more engaging, we could add some flashbacks or dream sequences to show how he became involved in this mission and why he's so determined to succeed. This would add to the mystery and make the audience more invested in his mission.



    Scene 21 -  Interrogation and Hospital Visit
    INT. FBI WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

    Robby sits at a small desk, pen and paper in front of him.

    ROBBY
    I don't know what the fuck you're
    talking about, ok?

    AGENT ACHAK
    We know Mr. Renzo is coming to *
    town. Where?

    Robby shakes his head.

    ROBBY
    I don't know, I told you all I
    know, I'm just a Romeo, get the
    girl, deliver the girl, and I'm
    out.

    AGENT CALIFAN
    You must have heard-- *

    ROBBY
    Nothing, I heard no-- *

    AGENT CALIFAN
    Are you interrupting me, Robby?

    Robby shuts up.

    AGENT ACHAK
    So, what's going on tonight?
    50.


    Robby doesn't answer.

    AGENT CALIFAN
    Your ass is mine, you understand?

    ROBBY
    I want to talk to my lawyer.

    AGENT CALIFAN
    Lawyer?

    AGENT ACHAK
    Lawyer!

    AGENT CALIFAN
    Do you see any fucking lawyer here!

    AGENT ACHAK
    Nobody is here.

    ROBBY
    You can't do this, my lawyer
    arranged-- *

    AGENT ACHAK
    You know how many times these
    things go wrong? *

    AGENT CALIFAN
    All the time. All the time someone
    gets hurt.


    INT. AARON’S CAR - NIGHT *

    Aaron pulls up in front of a small hospital E.R. while *
    talking on the phone. Enola moans in pain. Aaron looks
    around.

    AARON
    Yes, I'm outside... I don't want
    to, ok... fuck, you’re right. But *
    they'll ask me tons of-of
    questions. And there are cops. What
    if I ditch her somewhere? You *
    mean... o-ok. I'll bring her in.
    Make sure the doc-doctor is there
    or I ditch her and I am out. *

    Aaron shuts off the phone. He sees an ambulance parked right *
    in front of the ER entrance, but there are no doctors around. *

    He notices an empty police car in the parking lot. *
    51.


    AARON (CONT’D)
    Sh-it, Sh-it, Shit.

    He checks Enola's status.

    AARON (CONT’D)
    Hey, hey wake-wake up.

    Enola doesn't react.

    Aaron shoves his phone into his pocket. Gets out of the car. *
    Goes around and picks up Enola from her seat then walks *
    towards the E.R. entrance. *


    INT. E.R. RECEPTION - NIGHT

    Aaron crosses the automatic door and quickly walks to the *
    reception, struggling under Enola’s weight. *

    SUSY (25), a young African American woman, is dealing with *
    paperwork. She doesn’t look up. *

    AARON
    Excuse me.

    Susy keeps working.

    SUSY
    Yes sir. How can I help you?

    AARON
    I'm looking for Dr. Michaels? *

    SUSY
    There is no doc-- *

    AARON
    I meant Nichols. Dr. Nichols.

    Susy turns to her colleague at the reception, Nurse DAVIS *
    (50).

    SUSY
    Nichols?

    DAVIS
    Don't think so, she's not on call
    tonight.

    For the first time Susy looks up and sees Aaron holding Enola *
    in his arms.

    She is alarmed.
    52.


    SUSY
    What's wrong with her? *

    Aaron doesn’t want to answer. He starts walking backward *
    towards the door. *

    SUSY (CONT’D)
    Sir? Sir! Where are you going? *

    Susy rushes around the reception desk to intercept him. *

    At that moment, DR. NICHOLS (40s), a tough-looking woman, *
    strides in from the main entrance. *

    Susy is stunned. *

    SUSY (CONT’D) *
    Dr. Nichols? *

    Aaron looks at Dr. Nichols. Not sure. *

    AARON
    D-Dr... Nichols? *

    DR. NICHOLS
    Yes, that’s me. This way. *

    Dr. Nichols takes Aaron gently by the arm. Starts leading him *
    towards the examination area. *

    SUSY
    Doctor Nichols, what-- *

    DR. NICHOLS
    Don't worry Susy, I've got this.

    Dr. Nichols and Aaron disappear behind the Emergency Door.

    Susy looks at Nurse Davis, who just shakes her head. *

    DAVIS
    I'm sure those forms won't fill
    themselves out.

    Davis gets up and walks out of the reception room, leaving *
    Susy alone. She sits down and gets back to work. *
    Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

    Summary Robby is interrogated by Agent Achak and Agent Califan in an FBI warehouse while Aaron arrives at a small hospital ER with Enola. Susy, a receptionist, tries to stop Aaron from leaving but Dr. Nichols arrives and takes Aaron to the examination area.
    Strengths
    • Intense tone
    • Suspenseful plot
    • Well-developed characters
    • Engaging dialogue
    Weaknesses
    • Limited character development
    • Theme could be further explored

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene is highly engaging and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with its intense tone, suspenseful plot, and well-developed characters.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of the scene, which involves characters dealing with a criminal organization, a kidnapping, and a desperate attempt to seek medical help, is intriguing and keeps the audience invested.

    Plot: 9

    The plot of the scene is well-structured and filled with tension. It effectively moves the story forward by introducing new obstacles and raising the stakes for the characters.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a protagonist being interrogated by FBI agents is a familiar one, the specific dialogue and character dynamics bring a fresh approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters in the scene are well-developed and their actions and dialogue reflect their motivations and personalities. Their interactions create tension and drive the plot forward.

    Character Changes: 7

    While there are some minor character changes in the scene, such as Aaron's decision to seek medical help for Enola, the focus is more on the external events and conflicts rather than significant character development.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect himself and maintain his innocence. He wants to avoid giving away any information that could incriminate him or put him in danger.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to bring the injured Enola to the hospital and find a doctor to help her. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing, such as the presence of cops and the need for medical assistance.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as characters face life-threatening situations and make difficult choices. The conflict keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist is being interrogated by FBI agents and faces the challenge of bringing Enola to the hospital without getting caught. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome these obstacles.

    High Stakes: 10

    The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with characters facing life-threatening situations, criminal organizations, and the need to protect loved ones. The audience is constantly on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing new obstacles and raising the stakes for the characters. It sets up future conflicts and developments.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because the reader is unsure of how the protagonist will handle the interrogation and whether he will be able to successfully bring Enola to the hospital without getting caught. The presence of cops and the tense atmosphere add to the unpredictability.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The scene evokes a range of emotions, including tension, anxiety, and concern for the characters' well-being. The audience is emotionally invested in the outcome of the scene.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue in the scene is realistic and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships. It effectively conveys the urgency and tension of the situation.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation with intense dialogue and action. The reader is drawn into the conflict between the protagonist and the FBI agents, as well as the urgency of getting Enola to the hospital.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and intense rhythm. The dialogue exchanges are quick and the action sequences are described concisely, keeping the reader engaged.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The action lines are clear and concise.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot and then moves into dialogue and action sequences. The scene transitions smoothly between different locations.


    Critique
    • The scene lacks tension and conflict. While Sean's instructions to Glenn are clear, there is no immediate danger or urgency that would heighten the stakes. This could be remedied by introducing a new element, such as a car chase or a phone call from a rival organization threatening Glenn's safety.
    • The dialogue between Sean and Glenn is functional but lacks emotional depth. Sean's reassurances and instructions come across as cold and detached, which could make it difficult for the audience to empathize with him. To address this, the writer could explore Sean's backstory and motivations, which could add complexity and nuance to his character.
    • The setting is too generic and doesn't provide any visual or sensory details that could immerse the audience in the scene. To make it more engaging, the writer could describe the interior of the car, the sound of the phone ringing, or the headlights of oncoming cars. This would help the audience visualize the scene and feel more invested in the action.
    • The tone is too flat and doesn't convey the emotional turmoil that Glenn is experiencing. The writer could explore Glenn's fears and doubts more deeply, which could add depth and complexity to his character. This could also create a stronger contrast between Sean's calm demeanor and Glenn's mounting anxiety.
    • The scene ends abruptly, without any sense of resolution or closure. To address this, the writer could add a final line or action that ties the scene together and leaves the audience with a sense of satisfaction.
    Suggestions
    • Introduce a new element, such as a car chase or a phone call from a rival organization threatening Glenn's safety.
    • Explore Sean's backstory and motivations to add complexity and nuance to his character.
    • Describe the interior of the car, the sound of the phone ringing, or the headlights of oncoming cars to immerse the audience in the scene.
    • Explore Glenn's fears and doubts more deeply to add depth and complexity to his character.
    • Add a final line or action that ties the scene together and leaves the audience with a sense of satisfaction.



    Scene 22 -  Urgent Situation in Room 103
    INT. E.R. MEDICAL AREA / ROOM 103 - NIGHT

    Dr. Nichols leads Aaron into the medical area. Dr. Nichols *
    opens a small room with a bed.

    ROOM 103.
    53.


    Aaron lays Enola on the bed. Enola's skirt is soaked in blood *
    and she is even paler.

    Dr. Nichols closes the door and turns on the light.

    DR. NICHOLS
    What happened?

    AARON
    Nothing, I just, just-- *

    DR. NICHOLS
    Oh geez, Enola.

    AARON
    Do you know her?

    DR. NICHOLS
    How long?

    AARON
    What?

    DR. NICHOLS
    How long has she been bleeding like
    this?

    AARON
    I don't know! I j-just drove her... *
    Ok? OK!

    Dr. Nichols picks up the phone from the wall.

    DR. NICHOLS
    Jane? I want Nurse Jane. No, I said *
    Jane. I don't care, send her to
    room 103. Right away.

    Aaron keeps staring at Enola.

    AARON
    I did nothing, I’m just the one w- *
    who brought her here, r-right?

    DR. NICHOLS
    Yeah, yeah, we're all heroes here. *
    Get out and wait in your car. I'll *
    tell them when I'm done.

    Aaron walks to the door and hesitates.

    DR. NICHOLS (CONT’D)
    Out! And leave it in the first *
    drawer.
    54.


    Aaron takes out the envelope with the money and shoves it *
    into the first drawer of a small utility cabinet. Then he *
    leaves the room.
    Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

    Summary Dr. Nichols leads Aaron into Room 103 of the E.R. medical area where Enola is lying on a bed soaked in blood. Dr. Nichols asks Aaron about the extent of Enola's bleeding, but Aaron is unsure. Dr. Nichols calls for Nurse Jane and instructs Aaron to wait in his car. Aaron hesitates before leaving the room and puts an envelope with money in the first drawer of a small utility cabinet.
    Strengths
    • Building tension and suspense
    • Effective dialogue
    • Emotional impact
    Weaknesses
    • Limited character development in this specific scene

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through its dialogue and the characters' actions. The introduction of Enola's condition and the urgency of the situation adds emotional impact. The scene also raises questions about the characters' motivations and the significance of the envelope.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of a character bringing a bleeding woman to an emergency room creates immediate conflict and raises questions about their relationship and the circumstances leading to the injury. The introduction of the envelope adds intrigue and suggests a hidden agenda.

    Plot: 8

    The plot of the scene revolves around Aaron bringing Enola to the emergency room and his interaction with Dr. Nichols. The urgency and uncertainty of Enola's condition create tension and drive the plot forward. The introduction of the envelope adds a layer of mystery and raises questions about the characters' motivations.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a medical emergency is familiar, the specific dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and realistic. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters in the scene, particularly Aaron and Dr. Nichols, are well-developed and their actions and dialogue reveal their personalities and motivations. Aaron's guilt and confusion are evident in his interactions with Dr. Nichols, while Dr. Nichols displays a no-nonsense and slightly sarcastic demeanor.

    Character Changes: 7

    While there is not a significant character change in this scene, Aaron's guilt and confusion are evident and may lead to further character development in subsequent scenes.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to alleviate his guilt and anxiety about Enola's condition. He wants reassurance that he did nothing wrong and that he is not responsible for her bleeding.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to follow Dr. Nichols' instructions and wait in his car. This reflects the immediate circumstance of being in a medical emergency and the challenge of dealing with a potentially life-threatening situation.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict in the scene arises from Enola's condition and Aaron's guilt and confusion. The urgency of the situation and the mystery surrounding the envelope add to the conflict and create tension.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces the challenge of dealing with Enola's condition and the authority of Dr. Nichols. The audience doesn't know how the situation will unfold.

    High Stakes: 8

    The stakes are high in the scene as Enola's life is in danger and Aaron's actions may have serious consequences. The introduction of the envelope adds an additional layer of intrigue and raises the stakes.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing Enola's condition and the mysterious envelope. It raises questions and creates anticipation for future developments.

    Unpredictability: 6

    This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how Enola's condition will develop and what actions the characters will take to address it.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 9

    The scene evokes fear, guilt, and confusion, creating a strong emotional impact. The reader is invested in Enola's condition and Aaron's emotional state.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations. Aaron's fragmented and anxious speech reflects his guilt and confusion, while Dr. Nichols' straightforward and slightly sarcastic tone adds tension and intrigue.

    Engagement: 8

    This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation with a sense of urgency. The dialogue and actions of the characters create tension and keep the audience invested in the outcome.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension. The concise dialogue and focused actions keep the scene moving at a fast pace.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, and dialogue in the correct format.

    Structure: 9

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot and then focuses on the interaction between the characters in a specific location.


    Critique
    • The scene lacks tension and urgency. The dialogue between Aaron and Dr. Nichols feels rushed and lacks depth. The audience doesn't fully understand the severity of Enola's condition or the urgency of the situation. The scene could benefit from more descriptive language and a clearer sense of urgency.
    • The scene also lacks context. The audience doesn't know how Enola got injured or why Aaron is bringing her to the hospital. This lack of context makes it difficult for the audience to fully invest in the scene and understand the stakes.
    • The scene could also benefit from more character development. We don't know much about Aaron or Enola, and their relationship is unclear. This lack of character development makes it difficult for the audience to fully understand their motivations and emotions.
    • The scene could also benefit from more visual elements. The audience doesn't get a clear sense of the medical area or Enola's condition. More descriptive language and visual details could help to create a more immersive and engaging scene.
    • The scene could also benefit from more dialogue between Aaron and Dr. Nichols. The dialogue feels rushed and lacks depth, and the audience doesn't fully understand the nature of their relationship or the dynamics between them.
    Suggestions
    • To improve the scene, the writer could add more context about Enola's injury and why Aaron is bringing her to the hospital. This could help to create a clearer sense of urgency and stakes.
    • The writer could also add more character development for Aaron and Enola. This could help to create a more emotional and engaging scene.
    • The writer could also add more visual elements to the scene, such as more descriptive language about the medical area and Enola's condition. This could help to create a more immersive and engaging scene.
    • The writer could also add more dialogue between Aaron and Dr. Nichols, exploring their relationship and the dynamics between them. This could help to create a more emotionally resonant scene.
    • Finally, the writer could add more tension and urgency to the scene, creating a clearer sense of the stakes and the urgency of the situation. This could help to create a more engaging and emotionally resonant scene.



    Scene 23 -  Lost in the Corridor, Trapped in the Trunk
    INT. E.R. MEDICAL AREA CORRIDORS - NIGHT

    Aaron walks along the corridor, slowly enough to see NURSE *
    JANE (30) hurrying into room 103. *

    A second later she rushes out and gives orders to the other *
    NURSES. *

    Aaron turns a corner and takes a deep breath. He is still *
    sweaty.

    He doesn't recognize the corridor - this is not the way he *
    came in.

    AARON
    Damn it.

    Then he sees, at the end of the corridor, a locked glass door
    with the label: MED ROOM.

    Aaron smiles.


    INT. GREY CHEVY / TRUNK - NIGHT

    Sarah looks around and tries to listen. She notices little *
    flickering of lights when a car passes by.

    The light seems to come through the rear corner of the car, *
    where the tail lights are set. *

    Sarah looks closer. She can see the wires getting into the
    space where the bulb for the red light is.

    A plastic cover seems to hide a hole in the metal of the car
    where the light lies.

    Sarah looks at her feet and she adjusts her body to make sure
    they are aligned with the light.

    Sarah kicks. Nothing happens.

    She kicks again, to no avail. *

    She tries one more time and cuts herself. *

    SARAH
    Ahhhhh! *
    55.


    Sarah takes a deep breath and kicks as hard as she can. A *
    loud crack resounds in the trunk.

    Now a little bit more of the red light comes in. *

    More resolute than ever, Sarah kicks as hard as she can. The *
    plastic gives in and the red light illuminates her feet and
    her legs.

    Sarah tries to push her right foot into the space and break *
    the tail light. But her foot is too big to pass through. *

    Sarah moves around the trunk like a contortionist, switching *
    sides and trying to fit. It takes all her effort and skills. *

    Finally her eyes are at the level of the tail light and she *
    can assess the situation.

    She can see wires and the light bulb through the hole. Only a *
    piece of semi-transparent plastic separates her from the
    world.

    Sarah starts screaming. *

    SARAH (CONT’D)
    (muffled)
    Help! Help! Please! Help!

    Every word is muffled by the gag and she screams in
    frustration.

    Then she tries one last thing.

    She moves as close as she can to the wire and tries to bite
    it. The gag is too tight for her to succeed.

    Sarah starts spitting into the gag. Once it's drenched, she *
    tries again.

    This time she is able to suck in part of the cloth and with
    her mouth she bites the wire.

    With one, resolute movement, she breaks the wire. *

    The tail light goes off. *

    SARAH (CONT’D)
    (muffled)
    Yeahhhh, fuck you!!!
    56.
    Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

    Summary Aaron walks along the corridor of an E.R. medical area and realizes he is lost. Meanwhile, Sarah finds herself trapped in the trunk of a grey Chevy. She notices a hole in the tail light and kicks it to break the plastic cover. Despite cutting herself in the process, she manages to illuminate her feet and legs with the red light. Sarah tries to escape through the hole but fails. She contorts herself and attempts different positions to fit through, screaming for help but her words are muffled by the gag. Sarah eventually breaks the wire holding the tail light, turning it off, and exclaims in triumph.
    Strengths
    • Intense suspense
    • Engaging escape attempt
    • High stakes
    Weaknesses
    • Minimal dialogue

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats as Sarah desperately tries to free herself from the trunk.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of a character being trapped in a car trunk and attempting to escape is not entirely unique, but the execution and the level of tension created in this scene are highly effective.

    Plot: 9

    The plot of the scene revolves around Sarah's escape attempt, which is a crucial moment in the overall story. It adds a sense of urgency and raises the stakes for the characters involved.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of being trapped in a car trunk is not entirely unique, the specific actions and methods used by the protagonist to escape, such as kicking the tail light and biting the wire, add a fresh approach to the familiar scenario. The authenticity of the character's actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    Sarah's determination and resourcefulness in trying to free herself make her a compelling character. The scene also introduces Nurse Jane, who adds to the tension and urgency of the situation.

    Character Changes: 7

    Sarah undergoes a change in this scene as she becomes more determined and resourceful in her escape attempt. Her character arc is further developed.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to escape or find a way out of their current situation. This reflects their deeper need for freedom, safety, and survival.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to break the wire and turn off the tail light in the car trunk. This reflects the immediate challenge of being trapped and trying to attract attention or escape.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict in this scene is intense as Sarah struggles to free herself from the trunk. The physical and emotional obstacles she faces create a high level of conflict.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces the challenge of being trapped in a car trunk and trying to escape. The audience doesn't know if the protagonist will succeed or not, adding to the tension and suspense.

    High Stakes: 10

    The stakes are extremely high in this scene as Sarah's life is in danger. The urgency and desperation of the situation create a sense of high stakes.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene significantly moves the story forward as it introduces a new obstacle for Sarah and raises the stakes for the characters involved.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how the protagonist's attempts to escape will go. The outcome of each action is uncertain, adding suspense and keeping the audience engaged.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The scene evokes fear and frustration in the audience as they empathize with Sarah's desperate situation. The emotional impact is heightened by Sarah's screams for help.

    Dialogue: 6

    The dialogue in this scene is minimal, mainly consisting of Sarah's muffled screams for help. However, the lack of dialogue enhances the suspense and desperation of the situation.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation with a clear objective and obstacles. The physical actions and emotions of the protagonist create tension and suspense, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense. The concise and focused narrative description keeps the pace fast and engaging.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes proper indentation, scene transitions, and character names in uppercase.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, concise action lines, and character dialogue.


    Critique
    • The scene in the FBI warehouse feels a bit rushed and lacks tension. Robby's denial of knowing anything about Mr. Renzo's whereabouts feels too quick and easy. The agents' intimidation tactics also seem a bit cliché. To add more tension, consider having Robby reveal some small detail that the agents don't know about, making them more suspicious of him. This could also lead to a more intense interrogation and reveal more about Robby's involvement in the case.
    • The scene in the hospital ER is also a bit lacking in tension. Aaron's hesitation to leave Enola is understandable, but it feels a bit too quick and easy. To add more tension, consider having Susy try to stop Aaron from leaving multiple times, making him more conflicted about what to do. This could also lead to a more intense confrontation between Aaron and Susy, revealing more about their relationship and motivations.
    • The scene in the trunk of the car is intense and well-written, but it could benefit from more description of Sarah's surroundings. Consider adding more details about the car's interior, such as the smell, the sound of the engine, and any other sensory details that could help the reader feel more immersed in the scene.
    • The scene in the hospital ER also lacks some sensory details. Consider adding more description of Enola's condition and the sounds and smells of the hospital ER to make the scene more immersive and tense.
    • The scene in the hospital ER could also benefit from more dialogue between Aaron and Dr. Nichols. Consider having Dr. Nichols ask Aaron more questions about Enola's condition and how it happened, leading to a more intense conversation and revealing more about Aaron's guilt and motivations.
    Suggestions
    • To add more tension to the FBI warehouse scene, consider having Robby reveal that he overheard Mr. Renzo and Aaron discussing something important, but he can't remember what it was. This could lead to a more intense interrogation and reveal more about Robby's involvement in the case.
    • To add more tension to the hospital ER scene, consider having Susy try to stop Aaron from leaving multiple times, making him more conflicted about what to do. This could also lead to a more intense confrontation between Aaron and Susy, revealing more about their relationship and motivations.
    • To add more sensory details to the trunk scene, consider describing the smell of the car's interior, the sound of the engine, and any other sensory details that could help the reader feel more immersed in the scene.
    • To add more sensory details to the hospital ER scene, consider describing the sounds and smells of the hospital ER, such as the beeping of machines, the smell of disinfectant, and the sound of footsteps echoing through the corridors.
    • To add more dialogue to the hospital ER scene, consider having Dr. Nichols ask Aaron more questions about Enola's condition and how it happened, leading to a more intense conversation and revealing more about Aaron's guilt and motivations.



    Scene 24 -  Surveillance in the Mall Parking Lot
    EXT. GREY CHEVY - NIGHT

    The Grey Chevy's right tail light blinks off and the car *
    keeps moving forward in the traffic.


    INT. FBI AGENTS' CAR - NIGHT

    Rodriguez and Brown surveil Hector's activities. He is now *
    parked in an empty mall parking lot. *

    Brown keeps checking Hector’s car via his binoculars. *
    Rodriguez’s microphone is getting clear sound. *

    Rodriguez takes out her phone. *

    BROWN *
    Let it go.

    She doesn't answer but finds a list of ER’s nearby and calls *
    the closest one.

    RODRIGUEZ *
    Good evening, I'm looking for Dr.
    Michaels. No one with that name
    there? Are you sure? Of course. *
    Thanks you

    BROWN *
    Wasting your time.

    She dials another number.

    RODRIGUEZ *
    Good evening, I'm looking for Dr.
    Michaels. Not there. Is there
    anybody with that name... nobody.
    Thank you. Good night.

    She dials the third number on the list.

    BROWN *
    Wait, something is happening.

    From her point of view, Rodriguez can see Hector get out of *
    the car. Both agents are alerted.

    Hector walks a few steps away from his car. He unzips his *
    pants and pees. *

    Rodriguez shakes her head and dials again. *
    57.


    RODRIGUEZ *
    Hello, I'm looking for Dr.
    Michaels. *

    SUSY (O.S.)
    It’s Nichols!

    RODRIGUEZ *
    No, I mean-- *
    Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

    Summary In this tense and suspenseful scene, Rodriguez and Brown surveil Hector's activities in an empty mall parking lot at night. Rodriguez tries to make phone calls to find Dr. Michaels, but is unsuccessful. Brown discourages her while Hector gets out of his car and urinates. The conflict between Rodriguez and Brown regarding her search for Dr. Michaels remains unresolved. The scene ends with Rodriguez continuing to make phone calls.
    Strengths
    • Intense suspense
    • Intricate plot
    • Engaging conflicts
    Weaknesses
    • Some dialogue could be more impactful

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene is highly engaging and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with its suspenseful and intense tone. The various plotlines and conflicts add depth to the story.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of characters being caught in dangerous situations and facing unexpected challenges is well-executed. The scene effectively builds tension and raises the stakes.

    Plot: 9

    The plot is intricate and keeps the audience guessing. The scene introduces multiple plot threads and raises questions about the characters' motivations and actions.

    Originality: 4

    The level of originality in this scene is relatively low. The situations and actions are fairly standard for a surveillance or investigation scene. The dialogue is functional but does not contain any particularly unique or fresh approaches.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters are well-defined and their actions drive the plot forward. Their reactions to the unfolding events add depth and tension to the scene.

    Character Changes: 7

    Some characters experience changes in their circumstances or perceptions due to the events in the scene.

    Internal Goal: 7

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that Rodriguez is trying to gather information or make contact with someone named Dr. Michaels. This goal reflects her desire to uncover the truth or solve a mystery.

    External Goal: 6

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to locate Dr. Michaels. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of finding the person they are looking for.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict in the scene is high, with characters facing life-threatening situations and engaging in tense confrontations.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there is no direct conflict or obstacle, the tension and uncertainty surrounding Rodriguez's phone calls and Hector's actions create opposition and challenge for the characters.

    High Stakes: 10

    The stakes are extremely high in this scene, with characters facing life-or-death situations and dangerous consequences.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, raising questions, and deepening the mystery.

    Unpredictability: 5

    This scene is somewhat unpredictable because the audience does not know the outcome of Rodriguez's phone calls or what will happen with Hector. However, the overall events and actions are relatively straightforward.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The scene evokes strong emotions, such as fear, tension, and empathy for the characters in peril.

    Dialogue: 7

    The dialogue is effective in conveying the characters' emotions and motivations. It adds to the suspense and tension of the scene.

    Engagement: 7

    This scene is engaging because it introduces a mystery or objective (finding Dr. Michaels) and creates tension through the surveillance and phone calls. The actions and dialogue keep the audience interested in the outcome.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene is effective in building suspense and maintaining the audience's interest. The actions and dialogue are concise and move the scene forward at a steady pace.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, action lines, and dialogue are properly formatted.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an exterior shot, followed by interior shots, and ends with a significant action.


    Critique
    • The scene in the Grey Chevy is brief and doesn't add much to the overall plot. It's unclear why Sarah is in the trunk and how she got there. This lack of context makes it difficult for the audience to connect with her situation and feel invested in her escape. To improve this scene, the writer could provide more backstory for Sarah and explain how she ended up in the trunk. This would help the audience understand her predicament and sympathize with her struggle to escape.
    • The scene also lacks tension and suspense. The fact that the tail light goes out and the car keeps moving forward doesn't feel like a major obstacle for Sarah. To make this scene more suspenseful, the writer could create a sense of urgency by having Sarah hear footsteps or voices outside the trunk, or by having the car come to a sudden stop. This would increase the stakes and make Sarah's escape more urgent and dangerous.
    • The dialogue in this scene is minimal and doesn't reveal much about Sarah's character or motivations. To make the scene more engaging, the writer could have Sarah think out loud or have a flashback that reveals why she's being held captive. This would give the audience insight into Sarah's backstory and make her escape more meaningful.
    • The visual elements in this scene are also underdeveloped. The audience doesn't get a clear sense of where Sarah is or what the trunk looks like. To make this scene more visually engaging, the writer could describe the interior of the trunk in more detail, or have Sarah describe it in her thoughts. This would help the audience visualize her situation and feel more immersed in the scene.
    • Overall, this scene feels like a missed opportunity to develop Sarah's character and add tension to the plot. To improve it, the writer could provide more context, create a sense of urgency, add more dialogue, and describe the visual elements in more detail.
    Suggestions
    • To provide more context, the writer could have Sarah reveal in a flashback how she ended up in the trunk. This could involve a scene where she's kidnapped or forced into the trunk by her captors. This would help the audience understand why she's being held captive and sympathize with her situation.
    • To create a sense of urgency, the writer could have Sarah hear footsteps or voices outside the trunk, or have the car come to a sudden stop. This would increase the stakes and make Sarah's escape more urgent and dangerous.
    • To add more dialogue, the writer could have Sarah think out loud or have a conversation with herself. This would give the audience insight into her thoughts and motivations, and make her escape more meaningful.
    • To describe the visual elements in more detail, the writer could have Sarah describe the interior of the trunk in her thoughts. This would help the audience visualize her situation and feel more immersed in the scene.
    • To make this scene more engaging, the writer could also have Sarah encounter obstacles or challenges in her escape, such as a locked door or a security guard. This would add tension and suspense to the scene and make Sarah's escape more difficult and dangerous.



    Scene 25 -  Tense Encounter at the E.R.
    INT. E.R. RECEPTION - NIGHT

    A grumpy Susy is still dealing with her paperwork. *

    SUSY
    Jeez, again? We don’t have any Dr.
    Michaels here, just Nichols. What’s
    going on with you people tonight? *

    RODRIGUEZ (O.S.) *
    I was asking for-- *

    SUSY
    Dr. Nichols. Not Michaels, Nichols.
    Don’t you think I know all the
    doctors here? *

    Pause.

    SUSY (CONT’D)
    Hello?

    RODRIGUEZ (O.S.) *
    Ma’am, this is Agent Rodriguez with *
    the FBI.

    SUSY
    FBI?

    RODRIGUEZ (O.S.) *
    Is Dr. Nichols in tonight?

    Susy looks behind and notices that Nurse Davis is not at her
    station any longer.

    SUSY
    Yes.


    INT. FBI AGENTS' CAR - NIGHT

    Brown and Rodriguez exchange a glance. *
    58.


    SUSY (O.S.) *
    Still here.

    RODRIGUEZ *
    Who is the other person that was
    looking for her?

    SUSY (O.S.) *
    A man. 35 or 40. Tall.

    RODRIGUEZ *
    Is he still there?

    SUSY (O.S.) *
    I don't know.

    RODRIGUEZ *
    How long ago?

    SUSY (O.S.) *
    10 or 15 minutes, I guess. *

    RODRIGUEZ *
    Thank you very much. If you see
    that man please call me right away.
    This is my number. 818-555-3646.

    SUSY (O.S.) *
    Ok.

    RODRIGUEZ *
    And what's your name?

    SUSY (O.S.) *
    Susy Blunt.

    RODRIGUEZ *
    Thank you so much, Susy. *

    SUSY (O.S.) *
    You're welcome.

    RODRIGUEZ *
    One more thing, let us know also if
    you see Dr. Nichols leaving. *

    SUSY (O.S.) *
    Ok! *

    RODRIGUEZ *
    Thank you, Susy. *

    Rodriguez hangs up. *
    59.


    BROWN *
    Don't even think about it.

    RODRIGUEZ *
    Here, we’re just 5 miles away. *

    Brown thinks about it. *

    BROWN *
    Not happening. Out of the question.


    I/E. MONTAGE PLAYERS STATUS - NIGHT

    BEGIN MONTAGE *

    - GREY CHEVY: Glenn is tense and drinks. *

    - GREY CHEVY/ TRUNK: Sarah considers her options. *

    - E.R.: AARON staggers towards his car. *

    - PARKING LOT: Hector waits for news. *

    - AIRPORT: Mr. Renzo supervises some frantic work going on *
    inside the airport control building. *

    - UNCLE JOSH's CAR: Uncle Josh drives with Jimmy asleep. *

    - FBI CAR: Brown and Rodriguez spy on Hector. *

    - FBI HEADQUARTERS: Robby is grilled by the two Agents. *

    - SEAN's CAR: Sean drives.

    - GAS STATION: The van stops in front of a gas station and *
    Selena gets off. She takes her cleaning tools and walks to *
    the back entrance. *

    END MONTAGE *


    I/E. GREY CHEVY - NIGHT

    Glenn drives carefully but much more in control. The traffic
    is moving now and the speed is up to 45mph.

    Ahead he can see a Sheriff's car.

    He checks his speed. Checks the distances between him and the *
    other cars.

    Glenn moves slightly to the left to avoid driving too close *
    to the Sheriff. *
    60.


    He closes in on the Sheriff’s car. Pulls alongside. *

    He can see the OFFICER inside the car. *

    Glenn presses the accelerator. Pulls ahead of the Sheriff’s *
    car, staying under the speed limit. He takes a deep breath. *

    All of a sudden the Sheriff's light bar starts and with it
    the blast of the sirens.

    Glenn freezes. Eyes lock on the Sheriff. *

    GLENN
    Come on, come on, not me, not now!

    The Sheriff doesn't pass him. He really is after him. The *
    Sheriff’s VOICE comes over loudspeaker. *

    SHERIFF DONALD *
    Grey Chevrolet, pull over and stop *
    your vehicle! Stop your vehicle! *

    Glenn slows down and parks on the shoulder. *
    Genres: ["Thriller","Crime","Mystery"]

    Summary In this scene, Susy receives a call from Agent Rodriguez of the FBI at the E.R. reception. She provides information about a man looking for Nurse Davis and agrees to notify Rodriguez if she sees him or Dr. Nichols leaving. Rodriguez and Brown discuss their plans in their FBI car. Meanwhile, Glenn encounters a Sheriff's car while driving the grey Chevy and is pulled over, leading to a tense situation. The conflict remains unresolved in this scene.
    Strengths
    • Tension and suspense
    • Parallel storylines
    • Introduction of new characters
    Weaknesses
    • Limited character development
    • Lack of depth in dialogue

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the chase sequence and the interaction between the characters. It introduces new information and raises questions, keeping the audience engaged.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of a chase scene involving law enforcement and the protagonist is a familiar one in the thriller genre. However, the scene adds complexity by introducing multiple storylines and characters, creating intrigue and anticipation.

    Plot: 9

    The plot of the scene revolves around the protagonist, Glenn, being pursued by law enforcement. It raises the stakes and creates a sense of urgency. The parallel storylines and the introduction of new characters add depth and complexity to the overall plot.

    Originality: 3

    The level of originality in this scene is low, as it follows a typical dialogue-driven interaction between a receptionist and an FBI agent. The actions and dialogue of the characters are authentic and realistic.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The scene introduces several characters, including Glenn, the protagonist, and the law enforcement officers. While their personalities and motivations are not fully explored in this scene, their actions and dialogue provide hints about their roles in the story.

    Character Changes: 6

    There is minimal character development in this scene, as the focus is primarily on the chase and the immediate actions of the characters. However, the scene sets up potential character arcs and motivations for future development.

    Internal Goal: 8

    Susy's internal goal in this scene is to understand the reason for Agent Rodriguez's call and to provide him with the information he needs. This reflects her desire to be competent and knowledgeable in her job.

    External Goal: 9

    Susy's external goal in this scene is to assist Agent Rodriguez in his investigation by providing him with information about Dr. Nichols and the man who was looking for her. This reflects the immediate challenge of helping the FBI and ensuring the safety of the hospital staff.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict in the scene is high, as the protagonist is being pursued by law enforcement. The tension and suspense are heightened by the chase sequence and the protagonist's attempts to evade capture.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in this scene is moderate, as Susy initially resists Agent Rodriguez's questions but eventually cooperates.

    High Stakes: 10

    The stakes in the scene are extremely high, as the protagonist is being pursued by law enforcement. The potential consequences of capture create a sense of urgency and danger.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new information, raising questions, and escalating the conflict. It sets up future events and creates anticipation for the audience.

    Unpredictability: 5

    This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it raises questions about the man looking for Dr. Nichols and the FBI's involvement.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 7

    The scene elicits a moderate emotional impact through the use of tension and suspense. The audience is invested in the protagonist's fate and feels the urgency of the situation.

    Dialogue: 7

    The dialogue in the scene is concise and serves the purpose of conveying information and advancing the plot. It lacks depth and complexity but effectively communicates the urgency and tension of the situation.

    Engagement: 6

    This scene is engaging because it introduces a sense of mystery and suspense with the FBI agent's call and the mention of a man looking for Dr. Nichols.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a steady rhythm and building tension through the dialogue and actions of the characters.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, dialogue tags, and action lines.

    Structure: 7

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.


    Critique
    • The dialogue between Susy and Rodriguez feels a bit forced and unnatural. Susy's initial skepticism about Rodriguez's request for Dr. Nichols could have been more pronounced, and Rodriguez's persistence could have been more urgent to create tension. Additionally, Susy's correction of Rodriguez's pronunciation of Dr. Michaels' name feels out of place and unnecessary.
    • The scene lacks visual description, making it difficult for the reader to fully immerse themselves in the setting. Adding more details about the hospital reception area, such as the color of the walls, the layout of the furniture, and the sounds of the hospital could help bring the scene to life.
    • The scene also lacks a clear conflict or resolution. While Susy's interaction with Rodriguez raises the question of who else is looking for Dr. Nichols, this thread is not fully explored or resolved by the end of the scene. This could be remedied by having Susy provide more information about the mysterious man, or by having Rodriguez return later in the scene to follow up on his request.
    • The pacing of the scene feels a bit slow, with too much focus on Susy's paperwork and not enough on the tension between Susy and Rodriguez. This could be remedied by cutting some of the dialogue between Susy and Rodriguez and focusing more on their body language and facial expressions to convey the tension.
    • Finally, the scene could benefit from more character development for Susy. While she is initially skeptical of Rodriguez's request, we don't learn much else about her or her role in the hospital. This could be remedied by having Susy share more about her job or her interactions with Dr. Nichols to give us a better sense of who she is and why she's important to the story.
    Suggestions
    • To improve the dialogue, consider having Susy initially refuse to provide Rodriguez with Dr. Nichols' location, citing hospital policy or patient confidentiality. This could create more tension and conflict between the two characters.
    • To add more visual description, consider describing the color of the walls, the layout of the furniture, and the sounds of the hospital. This could help the reader better visualize the setting and create a more immersive experience.
    • To add more conflict and resolution, consider having Susy provide more information about the mysterious man, such as his appearance or his reason for looking for Dr. Nichols. This could lead to a more satisfying resolution to the thread.
    • To improve the pacing, consider cutting some of the dialogue between Susy and Rodriguez and focusing more on their body language and facial expressions to convey the tension. This could help create a more visually engaging scene.
    • To improve character development for Susy, consider having her share more about her job or her interactions with Dr. Nichols. This could help us better understand her role in the hospital and why she's important to the story.



    Scene 26 -  Suspicion on the Highway
    INT. GREY CHEVY / TRUNK - NIGHT *

    Sarah is immediately alert. She tries to move as close as she *
    can to the little hole she created.

    She starts banging and screaming right away.


    INT. GREY CHEVY - NIGHT

    Glenn turns on the radio and pumps up the volume. But it’s *
    just a DJ talking about the piece of music they are going to *
    listen to after a commercial break. Not enough noise. *

    Glenn switches to another station. Hard Rock blasts out of *
    the speakers.


    EXT. HIGHWAY / SHERIFF - NIGHT

    SHERIFF DONALD (50s) steps out of his car, holding a *
    flashlight. *

    Glenn scrambles out of the Chevy already holding his driver’s *
    license and an insurance card. *

    SHERIFF DONALD
    Sir, please stay in the car. *
    61.


    The noise of the music is loud even from outside.

    GLENN
    (yelling)
    Sorry, sir. The stupid radio is
    broken.

    Glenn can only see the flashlight coming straight to his face *
    and Sheriff Donald’s right hand ready on his gun. *

    Sheriff Donald gestures to Glenn to walk towards him and *
    maintain a safe distance. Always keeping a hand on his gun. *

    GLENN (CONT’D)
    Did I do something wrong, Sheriff? *

    SHERIFF DONALD
    Do you know why I stopped you? *

    GLENN
    No sir.

    SHERIFF DONALD *
    Your tail light is broken.

    Glenn looks at the car and notices the light hanging.

    SHERIFF DONALD (CONT’D) *
    Can you show me your license and
    registration please?

    Glenn still stares at the light.

    SHERIFF DONALD (CONT’D) *
    Sir?

    GLENN
    I'm sorry, right. Ok. Here’s my *
    license.

    Glenn hands his license to Sheriff Donald. *

    SHERIFF DONALD *
    Insurance?

    GLENN
    Here you go.

    Glenn hands it over. Sheriff Donald gives them a cursory *
    glance using his flashlight. *

    SHERIFF DONALD *
    Ok. I want you to do something for
    me, ok?
    62.


    GLENN
    Yes, Officer? *

    SHERIFF DONALD *
    Walk along this line. *

    Sheriff Donald points to the yellow line along the side of *
    the highway. *

    The combination of cars zooming by them and the blasting *
    radio music drowns out Sarah’s screams and banging from *
    inside the trunk. *

    GLENN
    I don't drink.

    SHERIFF DONALD *
    Would you mind, sir?

    GLENN
    Ok, ok.

    Glenn starts walking back to his car long the line. A little *
    hesitantly. *

    As he gets closer to his car, Glenn can hear the thumping and *
    muffled screaming from inside his trunk. His heart beats *
    faster. *

    After reaching his car, Glenn turns and walks back towards *
    Sheriff Donald. His nervousness, combined with the bright *
    lights of the police car and the traffic flying by don’t make *
    this walk easy. *

    He stops in front of Sheriff Donald. *

    SHERIFF DONALD *
    Okay. Now, I want you to recite the *
    alphabet.

    GLENN
    You want me to do... what?

    SHERIFF DONALD *
    Alphabet. Can you recite it for-- *

    GLENN
    A-B-C-D-E-F-G-- *

    SHERIFF
    Ok, that's enough. Just one more
    thing.
    63.


    GLENN
    Yes, Officer? *

    SHERIFF
    Just look straight ahead.

    Sheriff Donald lifts up his flashlight and gets closer to *
    Glenn to look into his eyes.

    He notices the vomit stains on Glenn’s shirt and jacket and, *
    most of all, the smell of it.

    SHERIFF DONALD
    Ok. Sir, ARE YOU SURE you didn't *
    drink? *

    GLENN
    Swear on my mother's grave. *

    Sheriff Donald eyes Glenn for a moment. Pulls a Breathalyzer *
    out of his pocket. *

    SHERIFF DONALD
    I need to be sure. Please breathe *
    into this-- *

    GLENN
    What? I've done everything you *
    asked me and I did it right, didn't
    I? *

    SHERIFF DONALD
    Sir.

    GLENN
    No, I don't understand-- *

    SHERIFF DONALD
    Sir, you’re acting erratically and *
    you recently vomited. *

    Glenn glances down at the vomit on his shirt and jacket. His *
    mind races. *

    GLENN *
    H-had a big dinner... and got a *
    little carsick. That a crime? *

    SHERIFF DONALD *
    No Sir. But failure to cooperate-- *

    Glenn sees the curious faces in the cars passing by. Realizes *
    he can’t afford to let Sheriff Donald near his car. *
    64.


    GLENN *
    Fine! Give me that thing. *

    Glenn grabs the Breathalyzer from Sheriff Donald. *

    SHERIFF DONALD
    Thank you, sir. Deep, deep breath *
    until I tell you to stop.

    Glenn breathes in.

    SHERIFF DONALD (CONT’D)
    Now, breathe out into the tube. *

    Glenn exhales into the Breathalyzer. *

    SHERIFF DONALD (CONT’D)
    Good. Thank you, sir. *

    The Sheriff takes it back and reads the results. *

    The Breathalyzer shows 0.08 then shifts to 0.07. *

    SHERIFF DONALD (CONT’D)
    One more time. *

    GLENN
    But, Sheriff-- *
    (beat) *
    Ok, ok. *

    Glenn does the test again. Sheriff Donald reads the results - *
    now a solid 0.07. *

    SHERIFF DONALD *
    Wait here.

    Sheriff Donald walks back to his car. *

    While the traffic passes by, Glenn tries to keep his heart *
    beat under control. He looks down and starts trying to clean *
    the vomit stain off his shirt. *

    Glenn glances up at the Sheriff’s car. Sees Sheriff Donald *
    inside. Not looking happy. *
    Genres: ["Thriller","Crime"]

    Summary In this tense and suspenseful scene on a dark highway, Sarah desperately bangs and screams for help from the trunk of a grey Chevy. Glenn, the driver, tries to drown out the noise by turning up the radio. Sheriff Donald arrives and becomes suspicious of Glenn's behavior. He asks Glenn to walk along the yellow line and recite the alphabet, noticing vomit stains on Glenn's shirt and jacket. Sheriff Donald asks Glenn to take a breathalyzer test, which shows a blood alcohol level of 0.07. While Glenn waits, Sheriff Donald walks back to his car, leaving Glenn to clean the vomit stain off his shirt.
    Strengths
    • High tension and suspense
    • Well-defined characters
    • Effective dialogue
    Weaknesses
    • Limited character development
    • Lack of visual description

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene is highly suspenseful and intense, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats. The encounter between Glenn and Sheriff Donald raises the stakes and creates a sense of danger and uncertainty.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of a routine traffic stop turning into a high-stakes encounter adds tension and unpredictability to the scene.

    Plot: 8

    The plot of the scene revolves around Glenn's attempt to hide evidence in his car trunk while being questioned by Sheriff Donald during a traffic stop.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of being pulled over by a sheriff is familiar, the specific details and the protagonist's internal struggle add a fresh perspective. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 7

    The characters of Glenn and Sheriff Donald are well-defined and their actions and dialogue contribute to the tension and conflict in the scene.

    Character Changes: 7

    Glenn experiences a change in his demeanor and behavior as he tries to hide evidence and deceive Sheriff Donald.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to convince the sheriff that he is not intoxicated and avoid any further trouble. This reflects his deeper need to maintain his innocence and avoid any negative consequences.

    External Goal: 9

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to comply with the sheriff's requests and prove that he is not intoxicated. This reflects the immediate challenge of being pulled over by the sheriff and potentially facing legal consequences.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict between Glenn and Sheriff Donald is high, with Glenn desperately trying to hide evidence and Sheriff Donald growing increasingly suspicious.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist is faced with the challenge of convincing the sheriff of his innocence while being questioned and tested. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will overcome this opposition.

    High Stakes: 10

    The stakes are high in the scene as Glenn risks getting caught with incriminating evidence and Sheriff Donald suspects foul play.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new obstacle for Glenn and raising the stakes.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because the outcome of the protagonist's interaction with the sheriff is uncertain. The audience doesn't know how the situation will unfold and whether the protagonist will be able to prove his innocence.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The scene creates a sense of fear and anxiety, evoking emotional responses from the audience.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue between Glenn and Sheriff Donald is tense and reflects their conflicting motivations and suspicions.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of suspense and keeps the audience invested in the protagonist's situation. The dialogue and actions of the characters contribute to the tension and make the scene compelling.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense. The rhythm of the dialogue and the actions of the characters create a sense of urgency and keep the scene engaging.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper use of capitalization, punctuation, and indentation. The dialogue is formatted correctly and the scene is easy to read.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and action lines. The dialogue is properly formatted and the scene flows smoothly.


    Critique
    • The scene is intense and suspenseful, but it could benefit from more character development for Glenn. We don't know much about him, and his erratic behavior could be explained through flashbacks or dialogue with another character. This would also add depth to his predicament and make the audience more invested in his situation.
    • The dialogue between Glenn and Sheriff Donald is realistic and adds to the tension, but it could be more impactful. Perhaps Sheriff Donald could reveal some personal connection to drunk driving, making Glenn's situation more dire.
    • The scene could also use more visual elements to enhance the suspense. For example, we could see Sarah's face through the little hole she created, or we could see Glenn's expression as he tries to clean the vomit off his shirt. This would add to the emotional impact of the scene.
    • The scene could also benefit from more description of the surroundings. We could hear the sound of the radio blasting from the Chevy, or we could see the flashing lights of the police car and the headlights of the passing cars. This would add to the sensory experience of the scene and make it more immersive.
    • The scene could also use more conflict between Glenn and Sheriff Donald. Perhaps Sheriff Donald could accuse Glenn of something else, like carrying drugs or having a weapon in the car. This would add to the suspense and make the audience more invested in the outcome of the scene.
    Suggestions
    • To develop Glenn's character, we could see a flashback of him drinking heavily at a bar, or we could hear him talking to himself about his recent divorce or financial troubles. This would add to his backstory and explain his erratic behavior.
    • To add more impact to the dialogue between Glenn and Sheriff Donald, we could have Sheriff Donald reveal that his daughter was killed by a drunk driver, or we could have Glenn confess to having a history of drunk driving. This would add to the emotional weight of the scene.
    • To enhance the visual elements of the scene, we could see Sarah's face through the little hole she created, or we could see Glenn's expression as he tries to clean the vomit off his shirt. This would add to the emotional impact of the scene.
    • To add more description of the surroundings, we could hear the sound of the radio blasting from the Chevy, or we could see the flashing lights of the police car and the headlights of the passing cars. This would add to the sensory experience of the scene and make it more immersive.
    • To add more conflict between Glenn and Sheriff Donald, we could have Sheriff Donald accuse Glenn of something else, like carrying drugs or having a weapon in the car. This would add to the suspense and make the audience more invested in the outcome of the scene.



    Scene 27 -  Guilt and Pressure
    INT. SHERIFF'S CAR - NIGHT

    Sheriff Donald types information about the car into his *
    onboard computer. *

    On the monitor a message blinks about a possible kidnapping *
    and a grey Chevy. *
    65.


    The license plate doesn't match. *

    Sheriff Donald sends a query to verify the data. Always *
    keeping one eye on Glenn. *

    The returning message confirms that the two cars are not the *
    same.


    EXT. HIGHWAY / SHERIFF - NIGHT

    Glenn pretends to be distracted cleaning his shirt but keeps *
    an eye on Sheriff Donald. *

    Finally Sheriff Donald approaches again. *

    SHERIFF
    All checked out sir. There’s a gas *
    station less than two miles up the *
    road. I suggest you to get *
    something to drink and wash up a
    little bit.

    Sheriff Donald gives Glenn back his license and insurance *
    card. *

    GLENN
    Thanks, thanks a lot.

    Sheriff Donald walks back to his car. Gets in and drives *
    away.

    Glenn takes a deep breath. He looks at the trunk and hurries *
    back to the Chevy. *


    INT. GREY CHEVY - NIGHT

    Glenn sits down but doesn’t start moving right away. *

    The music is still blasting. He turns it off with anger. *

    Now he hears Sarah banging and screaming from the trunk. *

    GLENN
    (whispering)
    He's gone.

    The banging and the screaming keep going. *

    Glenn eyes get red and teary. *

    GLENN (CONT’D)
    He's gone.
    66.


    Sarah doesn't stop. *

    GLENN (CONT’D)
    (screaming)
    He's gone!

    The screaming and the banging slowly stops. *

    GLENN (CONT’D)
    I'm sorry, what could I do? Huh? I *
    know what you want me to do but I
    can't. *

    Glenn stares at the now-silent trunk in the rear view mirror. *

    GLENN (CONT’D)
    Hey Sarah? Right? I know you can
    hear me. I'm sorry. I... look...
    they hired me to drive... I...
    didn't know, I mean. Can you hear
    me? If you can hear me give me a
    kick.

    Glenn listens. *

    She doesn't answer.

    GLENN (CONT’D)
    Good, good. I understand. I don't
    know if I can stop again. They're *
    watching me, you see? I don't know *
    what to do. They know so much about
    me. It's my family, you see? I *
    needed the money, and I just didn't
    want to know. If I didn't know,
    it's kind of... I don't know... I
    don't want to know... it's not
    happening, then. My daughter's
    university... I have a daughter,
    you'd like her, she used to wear
    pinks too. You’re younger, I think. *
    My daughter, she is... my daughter. *
    I don't know what to do but I
    promise you, I will... do
    something. Ok, I promise. I'm a
    good man. You don't know that about
    me, but I'm a man of God, I'm...
    I'm... a good man. I promise, a
    real promise, I will figure it out,
    ok? Ok? Did you hear me?

    No sound from the trunk.
    67.


    GLENN (CONT’D)
    Ok. Ok. Good. Good.

    Suddenly the phone rings. Glenn answers it. *

    SEAN (O.S.)
    Did you stop again? What did I-- *

    GLENN
    I got pulled over by a Sheriff. *

    Silence.

    SEAN (O.S.)
    And?

    GLENN
    Nothing, it's all good now. He just
    left.

    SEAN (O.S.)
    What did you do? Were you speeding
    or-- *

    GLENN
    No, nothing like that.

    SEAN (O.S.)
    You must have done something to get
    his attention? Do not lie to me
    Glenn, don't you dare-- *

    GLENN
    I said nothing, ok? A tail light *
    was off and if you don't believe me
    you can go fuck yourself ok? *

    SEAN (O.S.)
    Remember we are always watching.
    Now keep moving. You don't want to
    be late.

    Glenn puts the car into gear and drives away. *

    Glenn looks in the mirror towards the trunk.

    After a few seconds the phone rings again. Glenn answers. *

    SEAN (O.S.) (CONT’D)
    You’re not moving Glenn, why you *
    are not moving?
    68.


    GLENN
    I am moving! I’m moving 50 miles *
    per hour!- *
    Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

    Summary In this scene, Sheriff Donald types information about a car into his onboard computer and receives a message about a possible kidnapping. Glenn pretends to be distracted but keeps an eye on Sheriff Donald. Sheriff Donald suggests Glenn go to a nearby gas station. Glenn hurries back to the Chevy and turns off the music, hearing Sarah banging and screaming from the trunk. He apologizes to her, expressing his guilt and promising to figure out what to do. Glenn answers a phone call from Sean, who questions him about the encounter with the sheriff and warns him to keep moving.
    Strengths
    • Intense dialogue
    • Emotional impact
    • Suspenseful tone
    Weaknesses
    • Lack of clarity in the overall plot
    • Limited connection to other characters

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene effectively creates a sense of suspense and desperation through its intense dialogue and emotional impact. The conflict between Glenn and his employer adds an additional layer of tension. The only weakness is the lack of clarity regarding the overall plot and the connection between the different characters.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of a trapped woman in the trunk of a car and the driver's struggle to communicate with her while being monitored by an unknown employer is intriguing and suspenseful. The scene effectively conveys the desperation and moral dilemma faced by Glenn.

    Plot: 7

    The plot in this scene is not fully developed or clear. It primarily focuses on Glenn's internal struggle and his interaction with Sarah. The connection to the larger story and the role of other characters is not well-established.

    Originality: 6

    This scene has a moderate level of originality. While the situation of a protagonist being involved in a kidnapping is not entirely unique, the specific circumstances and the protagonist's internal conflict add freshness to the familiar concept. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue also contributes to the originality.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    Glenn is portrayed as a conflicted and desperate man who is torn between his family's financial needs and his moral compass. Sarah, although trapped in the trunk, is shown to be resilient and determined. The scene effectively conveys their emotions and motivations.

    Character Changes: 8

    Glenn experiences a significant internal change in this scene as he confronts his guilt and promises to take action. His realization of the consequences of his actions and his determination to make things right show growth and development.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find a way to help the kidnapped person without getting caught by the people who hired him. This reflects his deeper need to do the right thing and his fear of the consequences if he fails.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to continue driving and following the instructions given to him by the person on the phone. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing, as he is being watched and needs to maintain his cover.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict in this scene is high, both internally for Glenn as he struggles with guilt and externally as he tries to communicate with Sarah while being monitored by his employer. The tension is palpable and drives the scene forward.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist is being watched and has to navigate the conflicting demands of his moral compass and the person on the phone. The audience doesn't know how he will handle the situation, adding to the tension.

    High Stakes: 9

    The stakes are high in this scene as Sarah's life is in danger and Glenn is torn between his family's financial needs and his moral compass. The intense emotions and the desperate situation create a sense of urgency and danger.

    Story Forward: 7

    The scene provides some insight into Glenn's character and his moral dilemma, but it does not significantly advance the overall story. It primarily serves to deepen the emotional stakes and create tension.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how the protagonist will handle the situation and whether he will be able to help the kidnapped person without getting caught. The phone calls and the protagonist's internal conflict add to the unpredictability.

    Philosophical Conflict: 7

    There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's desire to do the right thing and his fear of the consequences. This challenges his beliefs and values, as he is torn between his moral compass and the pressure to follow orders.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 10

    The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, regret, and desperation. The audience is deeply invested in Glenn's struggle and empathizes with his difficult situation. The emotional impact is heightened by the intense dialogue and the desperate actions of the characters.

    Dialogue: 9

    The dialogue in this scene is intense and emotionally charged. It effectively conveys the desperation and guilt felt by Glenn, as well as his conflicted relationship with his employer. The dialogue between Glenn and Sarah also highlights their connection and the dire situation they are in.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of suspense and intrigue through the protagonist's internal struggle and the mystery surrounding the kidnapping. The dialogue and actions of the characters keep the audience invested in the story.

    Pacing: 8

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency and tension. The short and impactful dialogue, as well as the descriptive narrative, keep the scene moving at a good pace.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, spacing, and capitalization.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.


    Critique
    • The scene is well-paced and builds tension, but it could benefit from more character development for Glenn. We don't know much about him beyond his desperation and fear. It would be helpful to have some backstory or motivation for his actions to make his dialogue and decisions more impactful.
    • The dialogue between Glenn and Sheriff Donald feels a bit forced and contrived. It's clear that Glenn is trying to avoid suspicion, but the conversation could use more naturalistic banter to make it feel less like a scripted exchange.
    • The scene could also benefit from more visual description to help the reader better understand the setting and the characters' actions. For example, we don't know what the Sheriff's car looks like or how far away it is when Glenn is cleaning his shirt. This could be clarified through more detailed description.
    • The scene ends abruptly with Glenn driving away, but it's not clear where he's going or what his next move is. This could be addressed through a more definitive conclusion that ties the scene back to the overarching plot and sets up the next scene.
    Suggestions
    • To develop Glenn's character, consider adding a flashback or dream sequence that reveals his backstory and motivations. This could help the audience empathize with him and understand his actions in the present.
    • To make the dialogue between Glenn and Sheriff Donald more naturalistic, try to incorporate more subtext and nuance. For example, Glenn could use body language and tone of voice to convey his true feelings and intentions, rather than relying solely on dialogue.
    • To provide more visual description, consider using more sensory details to immerse the reader in the scene. For example, you could describe the sound of the wind rushing by, the smell of exhaust fumes, or the feel of the gravel crunching under Glenn's feet as he walks back to the car.
    • To provide a more definitive conclusion, consider tying the scene back to the overarching plot in a more explicit way. For example, Glenn could receive a call from Sean or Nurse Jane, or he could receive a text message with a cryptic message that hints at his next move.



    Scene 28 -  Tracking and Tension
    INT. SEAN'S CAR - NIGHT

    Sean keeps staring at the map but the dot doesn't move. *
    Finally, with a delay of a few seconds, the signal indicates *
    Glenn’s car moving. *

    GLENN *
    Tell your friends to go f-- *

    SEAN
    I can see you now. Okay. Sorry. *

    Sean hangs up. *


    INT. GREY CHEVY - NIGHT

    Glenn looks back at the trunk. *

    GLENN
    Sarah? Please believe me, I'm a
    good man. I promise, I swear to
    God, a real promise, I will figure
    it out, ok? Ok? Did you hear me?

    One loud thump from the trunk.

    GLENN (CONT’D)
    Ok. Ok. Good. Good.



    INT. E.R. MEDICAL AREA CORRIDORS - NIGHT

    A barely functioning Aaron walks around looking for an exit. *
    He holds his hands in his pockets, which are clearly full of *
    medicines.

    SUSY (O.S.) *
    Hey, you. What are YOU doing here?

    Aaron freezes. He turns to face Susy from reception. *

    Susy lowers her gaze to Aaron's shirt. *

    SUSY (CONT’D)
    Are you hurt?
    69.


    Aaron looks down. His shirt and jacket have Enola’s blood all *
    over.

    AARON
    No, I'm not, I just-- *

    Aaron quickly walks back towards where he came from. *

    Susy glances over at an empty Nurse Station. On an *
    electronic board on its back wall, she sees Room 103 in use. *

    She pulls out her cell phone and a piece of paper. Starts to *
    dial Agent Rodriguez’s number. *
    Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

    Summary In this scene, Sean tries to track Glenn's car on a map and finally sees the signal indicating movement. Meanwhile, Glenn reassures Sarah in the trunk, promising to figure things out. Aaron, covered in Enola's blood, walks around the E.R. corridors and is approached by Susy, who notices his blood-stained shirt. Aaron quickly walks away, and Susy sees that Room 103 is in use and starts dialing Agent Rodriguez's number.
    Strengths
    • Building suspense
    • Creating tension
    • Emotional impact
    Weaknesses
    • Limited dialogue

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene effectively builds suspense and keeps the audience engaged through its intense tone, high stakes, and emotional impact.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of a kidnapping and the characters' desperate attempts to handle the situation is compelling and drives the plot forward.

    Plot: 9

    The plot is well-structured and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats as the characters face obstacles and make crucial decisions.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While there are no unique situations or fresh approaches to familiar ones, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a sense of realism.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters are well-developed and their actions and emotions feel authentic and relatable.

    Character Changes: 8

    Glenn experiences a significant emotional change as he realizes the gravity of the situation and apologizes to Sarah.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find an exit and escape. This reflects their deeper need for freedom and safety.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to avoid getting caught or discovered. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict between Glenn and Sheriff Donald, as well as the underlying conflict of the possible kidnapping, creates a high level of tension.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces obstacles and challenges that are difficult to overcome. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold.

    High Stakes: 10

    The stakes are extremely high as the characters race against time to save Sarah from a potential kidnapping.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing new obstacles and raising the stakes for the characters.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected events and twists, such as the loud thump from the trunk and Aaron's encounter with Susy.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 9

    The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' desperate actions and the potential danger faced by Sarah.

    Dialogue: 7

    The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' desperation and adds tension to the scene.

    Engagement: 9

    This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats with its fast-paced and suspenseful tone.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and suspenseful rhythm. The short and fragmented dialogue, as well as the quick actions, create a sense of urgency.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It is properly formatted with correct indentation, spacing, and punctuation.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.


    Critique
    • The scene lacks a clear objective or goal for Glenn. We don't know why he's moving or where he's going, which makes it difficult to understand his actions and motivations. This lack of clarity also makes it hard to invest in his character or care about his predicament.
    • The dialogue between Glenn and Sean feels forced and unnatural. The conversation doesn't reveal anything new about their relationship or the situation, and it feels like it's just there to fill time. The scene would be more effective if the dialogue served a specific purpose, such as revealing new information or advancing the plot.
    • The scene also lacks tension or suspense. Glenn's conversation with Sean is too casual and relaxed, and there's no sense of urgency or danger. This makes it difficult to engage the audience and keep them invested in the story.
    • The scene could also benefit from more visual details and descriptions. We don't have a clear sense of where Glenn is or what he's seeing, which makes it hard to visualize the scene and understand the action. More descriptive language and visual details could help bring the scene to life and make it more engaging.
    • Finally, the scene could use more character development for Glenn. We don't know much about his background, motivations, or personality, which makes it hard to sympathize with him or understand his actions. More backstory or insight into his character could help us connect with him and care about his fate.
    Suggestions
    • To improve the scene, you could try giving Glenn a clear objective or goal, such as trying to escape with Sarah or find a safe place to hide. This would give the scene a sense of urgency and make Glenn's actions more understandable and compelling.
    • You could also try making the conversation between Glenn and Sean more meaningful and revealing. For example, you could have Sean ask Glenn about his relationship with Sarah or his involvement in the kidnapping, which would reveal new information and advance the plot.
    • To add tension and suspense, you could try introducing new obstacles or challenges for Glenn, such as a police checkpoint or a car breakdown. This would make the scene more exciting and keep the audience on the edge of their seats.
    • To make the scene more visually engaging, you could try describing the surroundings in more detail, such as the color of the sky, the sound of the wind, or the smell of the air. This would help the audience visualize the scene and understand the action.
    • Finally, to develop Glenn's character, you could try giving him more backstory or insight into his personality. For example, you could have him reveal why he got involved in the kidnapping or what he's afraid of. This would help us connect with him on a deeper level and care about his fate.



    Scene 29 -  A Suspicious Sighting
    INT. FBI AGENTS' CAR - NIGHT *

    Rodriguez's phone rings. *

    RODRIGUEZ *
    Who's this? *

    SUSY (O.S.)
    Susy, from the hospital?

    RODRIGUEZ *
    Susy! Yes!

    Rodriguez turns the phone speaker on. *

    SUSY (O.S.)
    He's here, I just saw him.

    RODRIGUEZ *
    Are you sure?

    SUSY (O.S.)
    Yes I am. And he’s covered with *
    blood.

    RODRIGUEZ *
    Thank you Susy.

    Brown shakes his head, then starts up the car and drives *
    away.


    EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT

    Manolo waits in a dark alley.

    A uniformed policeman, OFFICER GOMEZ (50), exits from a side *
    door.
    70.


    Manolo approaches him.

    OFFICER GOMEZ
    No, not in the system, not
    anywhere.

    Gomez gives Manolo a piece of paper back. *

    The paper shows Robby's picture and main info.

    Gomez walks back inside. *

    Manolo lights up the paper and burns it. *

    He stalks back towards the main street and makes a phone *
    call.

    MANOLO
    He wasn't brought here.

    HECTOR (O.S)
    Different station, maybe? *

    MANOLO
    Nope. No records.

    HECTOR (O.S)
    Are you sure?

    MANOLO
    Positive. I think you're right,
    smells like Feds. *

    HECTOR (O.S)
    Ok, head back.
    Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

    Summary Rodriguez receives a call from Susy, who saw someone covered in blood. Susy confirms the sighting, and Rodriguez turns on the phone speaker. Brown drives away. In a dark alley, Manolo meets Officer Gomez who informs him that the person they are looking for is not in the system. Gomez gives Manolo a piece of paper with the person's picture and information. Manolo burns the paper and suspects the involvement of the FBI. He calls Hector and informs him that the person was not brought to the station. Hector instructs Manolo to head back.
    Strengths
    • Intense suspense
    • Engaging plot twists
    • Well-defined characters
    Weaknesses
    • Limited exploration of theme
    • Dialogue could be more impactful

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats. The intense chase, the discovery of the kidnapped person, and the interaction between the characters create a gripping narrative.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of a chase involving law enforcement, a suspect, and a kidnapped person adds tension and urgency to the scene. The introduction of the FBI agents, the suspicious behavior of Glenn, and the revelation of the kidnapped person create intrigue and propel the story forward.

    Plot: 9

    The plot of the scene revolves around the chase, the discovery of the kidnapped person, and the interaction between the characters. It is well-paced and keeps the audience engaged with its twists and turns.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of searching for a missing person is familiar, the specific actions and dialogue of the characters add a fresh approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable and realistic.


    Character Development

    Characters: 8

    The characters in the scene, such as Glenn, Sheriff Donald, and Sarah, are well-defined and their actions and dialogue contribute to the tension and suspense. Glenn's conflicted emotions and Sheriff Donald's suspicion add depth to the scene.

    Character Changes: 7

    Glenn experiences a change in his emotional state, from trying to drown out the noise to feeling remorseful and determined to figure things out. This change adds complexity to his character.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to locate a person named Robby. This reflects their desire to solve a case and bring justice. It also reflects their fear of failure and the consequences of not finding Robby.

    External Goal: 7

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to gather information about Robby's whereabouts. This reflects the immediate challenge of finding a missing person and the circumstances of being in a dark alley and communicating with other law enforcement officers.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict in the scene is high, with the tension between Glenn and Sheriff Donald, the discovery of the kidnapped person, and the impending danger. The conflict drives the narrative and keeps the audience engaged.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces the challenge of finding a missing person and the possibility of encountering federal agents. The audience doesn't know how the search will go.

    High Stakes: 10

    The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with a kidnapped person in danger, law enforcement closing in on the suspect, and the potential for dire consequences. The sense of urgency and danger heighten the tension.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing the FBI agents, revealing the kidnapped person, and escalating the chase. It raises new questions and increases the stakes.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know if the protagonist will be able to find Robby or what obstacles they may encounter in their search.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The scene evokes emotions of fear, suspense, and empathy for the kidnapped person. Glenn's emotional apology and promise to Sarah add a layer of emotional depth.

    Dialogue: 7

    The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the urgency, suspicion, and emotional turmoil of the characters. It provides necessary information and drives the plot forward.

    Engagement: 8

    This scene is engaging because it introduces a mystery and keeps the audience wondering about the fate of Robby. The dialogue and actions of the characters create tension and suspense.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and keeping the audience engaged. The concise and direct dialogue helps to maintain a fast pace.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, dialogue, and action descriptions.

    Structure: 9

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with an establishing shot and then focuses on the dialogue and actions of the characters.


    Critique
    • The scene between Rodriguez and Susy is effective in advancing the plot and providing important information about the whereabouts of the suspect. However, the dialogue could be more engaging and reveal more about Susy's character. For example, instead of simply confirming that Dr. Nichols is in the hospital, Susy could share her thoughts or feelings about the situation, which would add depth to the scene. Additionally, the description of the man looking for Nurse Davis could be more detailed, including his appearance or behavior, to create a stronger visual image for the reader.
    • The scene between Manolo and Officer Gomez raises some questions about the consistency of the story. If Robby wasn't brought to the hospital, where could he be? This creates a sense of uncertainty and tension, which is effective in building suspense. However, the scene could be more impactful if Manolo's reaction to the lack of information was more dramatic or revealing. For example, he could express his frustration or suspicion, which would add to the overall tension of the scene.
    • The scene between Glenn and Sarah is intense and emotional, but it could benefit from more dialogue between the two characters. Sarah's desperation and fear could be conveyed through her words, which would make her more than just a passive victim. Additionally, Glenn's guilt and conflict could be explored more deeply through his interactions with Sarah, which would add to the emotional impact of the scene.
    Suggestions
    • To make the scene between Rodriguez and Susy more engaging, you could consider adding some backstory or context about Susy's relationship with Dr. Nichols or the hospital. This would help to establish her character and make her more than just a one-dimensional figure. Additionally, you could consider adding some subtext to the dialogue, such as hints about Susy's personal life or motivations, which would add depth to the scene.
    • To make the scene between Manolo and Officer Gomez more impactful, you could consider adding some details about Manolo's background or motives, which would help to establish his character and make him more than just a generic villain. Additionally, you could consider adding some subtext to the dialogue, such as hints about Manolo's relationship with Robby or his reasons for wanting to find him, which would add depth to the scene.
    • To make the scene between Glenn and Sarah more emotional and impactful, you could consider adding some flashbacks or memories of Sarah's life, which would help to establish her character and make her more than just a passive victim. Additionally, you could consider adding some subtext to the dialogue, such as hints about Sarah's relationship with Glenn or her feelings about being kidnapped, which would add depth to the scene.



    Scene 30 -  Critical Condition
    INT. HECTOR'S CAR - PARKING LOT - NIGHT *

    Hector calls Sean while watching the FBI Agents’ car driving *
    away.

    SEAN (O.S.)
    Yep? *

    HECTOR
    Bad news. *

    SEAN (O.S.)
    I knew it.

    HECTOR
    You know what to do.
    71.


    Hector hangs up then looks at Sean's position on his iPhone *
    app.

    He drives away.


    Omitted


    INT. SEAN'S CAR - NIGHT

    Sean drives singing a jaunty tune. Mike notices a sign for a *
    gas station.

    MIKE
    I want a coffee. How about you? On *
    me. *

    SEAN
    Ok, decaf. Two yellow Splendas. *

    MIKE
    You got it.

    Sean speeds past the small gas station. *

    MIKE (CONT’D)
    What's wrong with that one?

    SEAN
    Bad coffee. Trust me, you don't *
    want it from that place.


    INT. E.R. MEDICAL AREA / ROOM 103 - NIGHT

    Dr. Nichols and Nurse Jane are covered in blood as they work
    on Enola.

    The girl is now attached to monitors. Her heartbeat is *
    feeble.

    DR. NICHOLS
    Damn it Enola, hold on, girl. Hold
    on.

    NURSE JANE
    We need to bring her upstairs, we
    can’t-- *

    DR. NICHOLS
    I've seen worse, we can do it. *
    72.


    NURSE JANE
    Dr. Nichols, I'm sorry-- *

    DR. NICHOLS
    Stop being sorry, and-- *

    Enola is very agitated, in and out consciousness. She moans. *

    DR. NICHOLS (CONT’D)
    Stay with me Enola, stay with me.

    NURSE JANE
    She’s lost too much blood. *

    DR. NICHOLS
    She survived worse then this. Get *
    more blood. Stat! *

    Nurse Jane rushes out. Dr. Nichols turns towards the
    monitors.

    Suddenly Enola grabs her arm.

    DR. NICHOLS (CONT’D)
    Enola! Good, I need you to-- *

    ENOLA
    Let me go, doctor. Please.

    DR. NICHOLS
    Of course, when you feel better. *

    ENOLA
    No, let me go. Now. *

    Dr. Nichols freezes.

    DR. NICHOLS
    I-I can't-- *

    Enola pleads with her watery eyes.

    Nurse Jane rushes back in with more blood for a transfusion *
    and immediately starts working on replacing the almost empty
    bag.

    Enola squeezes Dr. Nichols’ arm. *

    DR. NICHOLS (CONT’D)
    Wait.

    Nurse Jane is puzzled.
    73.


    DR. NICHOLS (CONT’D)
    We... shouldn't... waste, yes, we
    shouldn't waste blood this way. I
    think you were right.

    Nurse Jane looks at the signals on the machine then at Enola. *

    Tears roll down Enola's face but a peaceful smile is now
    visible.
    Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

    Summary Hector delivers bad news to Sean and instructs him, then drives away. Sean and Mike discuss getting coffee but decide against it. In the E.R., Dr. Nichols and Nurse Jane work on Enola, who pleads to be let go. Dr. Nichols hesitates but decides not to waste blood after Enola's plea. Enola smiles peacefully as the scene ends.
    Strengths
    • Intense emotional struggle of characters
    • Building suspense and tension
    • Engaging dialogue
    Weaknesses
    • Some dialogue could be more impactful

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene effectively builds suspense and tension through the desperate situation of the characters and the emotional stakes involved. The dialogue and actions of the characters are engaging and keep the audience invested in the outcome.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of a kidnapping and the characters' attempts to save the victim is a familiar but compelling premise. The scene adds depth to the concept by exploring the emotional turmoil of the characters and their moral dilemmas.

    Plot: 9

    The plot of the scene is well-structured and keeps the audience engaged. It introduces new obstacles and raises the stakes for the characters, driving the story forward.

    Originality: 4

    The level of originality in this scene is relatively low. The situations and dialogue are familiar and do not offer any fresh approaches. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable but not particularly unique.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are effectively portrayed. Glenn's internal conflict and desperation, as well as Sarah's plight, create empathy and investment in their journey.

    Character Changes: 8

    Glenn undergoes a significant change in this scene as he realizes the gravity of the situation and takes responsibility for his actions. His emotional apology to Sarah shows growth and a willingness to do whatever it takes to save her.

    Internal Goal: 7

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that Dr. Nichols wants to save Enola's life and is struggling with the decision to let her go or continue trying to save her.

    External Goal: 6

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to save Enola's life and provide her with the necessary medical treatment.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict in the scene is high, with Glenn desperately trying to save Sarah while dealing with the suspicion of Sheriff Donald. The emotional conflict within Glenn adds another layer of tension.

    Opposition: 7

    The opposition in this scene is moderately strong. The protagonist faces the challenge of deciding whether to continue trying to save Enola or let her go. The audience is unsure of how this obstacle will be resolved.

    High Stakes: 10

    The stakes are incredibly high in this scene, with Sarah's life hanging in the balance and Glenn desperately trying to save her. The consequences of their actions and the involvement of law enforcement add to the intensity.

    Story Forward: 9

    The scene moves the story forward by introducing new obstacles and raising the stakes for the characters. It also deepens the emotional journey of Glenn and Sarah.

    Unpredictability: 6

    This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it introduces a moment of uncertainty when Enola pleads to be let go. The audience is unsure of how Dr. Nichols will respond.

    Philosophical Conflict: 0

    There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 10

    The scene evokes strong emotions through the desperate situation of the characters and their emotional struggles. The audience is deeply invested in the outcome and feels the characters' pain and desperation.

    Dialogue: 8

    The dialogue is natural and reveals the characters' emotions and intentions. It effectively conveys the tension and desperation of the situation.

    Engagement: 8

    This scene is engaging because it presents a life-or-death situation and creates tension through the characters' actions and dialogue. The urgency and emotional stakes keep the audience invested in the outcome.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of this scene is effective in creating tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The dialogue and action are well-paced, and the scene transitions flow smoothly.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, dialogue, and action lines are properly formatted and easy to follow.

    Structure: 8

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It transitions smoothly between different locations and effectively conveys the progression of events.


    Critique
    • The scene in which Hector receives a call from Sean while watching the FBI agents' car driving away is brief and lacks any significant conflict or tension. The dialogue between Hector and Sean is also minimal and doesn't provide any insight into their characters or motivations. To improve this scene, the writer could consider adding more context to the call, such as why Sean is calling and what information he has about the FBI agents. This could create a sense of urgency and suspense, and also reveal more about the characters' relationships and goals.
    • The scene in the E.R. medical area with Enola and the doctors is intense and emotional, but it could benefit from more backstory and context about Enola's condition and the doctors' efforts to save her. This could help the audience understand the urgency of the situation and empathize with Enola's plight. Additionally, the scene could be more impactful if the dialogue between the doctors and Enola was more detailed and revealing, providing insight into their personalities and motivations.
    • The scene in which Sean and Mike drive past the gas station could be more interesting if the writer provided more details about the gas station and why Sean doesn't want to stop there. This could create a sense of mystery and intrigue, and also reveal more about Sean's character and motivations.
    • The scene in which Aaron is walking around the E.R. medical area corridors could be more suspenseful if the writer provided more details about Aaron's appearance and behavior, such as why he's covered in Enola's blood and what he's doing in the E.R. This could create a sense of unease and tension, and also reveal more about Aaron's character and motivations.
    • The scene in which Rodriguez receives a call from Susy could be more impactful if the writer provided more details about Susy's character and motivation for calling Rodriguez. This could create a sense of urgency and suspense, and also reveal more about the characters' relationships and goals.
    Suggestions
    • To improve the scene with Hector and Sean, the writer could consider adding more context to the call, such as why Sean is calling and what information he has about the FBI agents. This could create a sense of urgency and suspense, and also reveal more about the characters' relationships and goals. For example, Sean could call Hector to report that he's spotted the FBI agents following him, or that he's discovered some new information about the case that could help them. This could also provide an opportunity to reveal more about Sean's character and motivations, such as his loyalty to Hector and his determination to solve the case.
    • To improve the scene with Enola and the doctors, the writer could consider adding more backstory and context about Enola's condition and the doctors' efforts to save her. This could help the audience understand the urgency of the situation and empathize with Enola's plight. For example, the writer could reveal that Enola has been in a coma for several days, or that she's suffering from a rare and deadly disease. This could also provide an opportunity to reveal more about the doctors' characters and motivations, such as their dedication to their patients and their willingness to go to great lengths to save them.
    • To improve the scene with Sean and Mike, the writer could consider providing more details about the gas station and why Sean doesn't want to stop there. This could create a sense of mystery and intrigue, and also reveal more about Sean's character and motivations. For example, the writer could reveal that the gas station is owned by a rival gang, or that it's a front for a criminal operation. This could also provide an opportunity to reveal more about Mike's character and motivations, such as his loyalty to Sean and his willingness to follow his lead.
    • To improve the scene with Aaron, the writer could consider providing more details about Aaron's appearance and behavior, such as why he's covered in Enola's blood and what he's doing in the E.R. This could create a sense of unease and tension, and also reveal more about Aaron's character and motivations. For example, the writer could reveal that Aaron is a suspect in the case, or that he's trying to cover up his involvement in Enola's disappearance. This could also provide an opportunity to reveal more about the other characters' reactions to Aaron's presence, such as their suspicion and fear.
    • To improve the scene with Rodriguez and Susy, the writer could consider providing more details about Susy's character and motivation for calling Rodriguez. This could create a sense of urgency and suspense, and also reveal more about the characters' relationships and goals. For example, the writer could reveal that Susy is a witness to the crime, or that she's a friend or relative of Enola's. This could also provide an opportunity to reveal more about Rodriguez's character and motivations, such as his determination to solve the case and his willingness to listen to tips from the public.



    Scene 31 -  Confrontation in the E.R.
    INT. E.R. MAIN ENTRANCE - NIGHT

    Rodriguez and Brown go directly to the reception desk where *
    Susy waits for them. *

    BROWN *
    Nurse Susy?

    Susy nods.

    SUSY
    This way.

    Brown and Rodriguez follow Susy and pass through an automatic *
    door.


    INT. E.R. MEDICAL AREA / ROOM 103 - NIGHT

    The door bursts open and Rodriguez and Brown storm in, *
    holding up their badges. *

    BROWN *
    F.B.I.! Freeze! *

    DR. NICHOLS
    What are you doing?

    RODRIGUEZ *
    Move away from her.

    DR. NICHOLS
    Are you crazy? I have a patient
    here.

    RODRIGUEZ *
    I said move away.

    DR. NICHOLS
    If I move, she dies.

    Susy comes into the room followed by two doctors: DR. LEWIS *
    (40s’, male) and DR. BRANDT (30’s, female). *
    74.


    DR. LEWIS
    What's the situation?

    DR. NICHOLS
    I don't know what you think you’re *
    doing but-- *

    BROWN *
    Answer the question and step away!

    DR. LEWIS
    What's her condition? *

    DR NICHOLS
    (reluctantly)
    She is in hypovolemic shock due to
    acute vaginal and perineal
    lacerations. If she loses any more *
    blood, she's not gonna make it. *

    DR. BRANDT *
    Okay, we’re taking over. *

    They push Dr. Nichols and Nurse Jane out of the way and move *
    to examine Enola. *

    Brown handcuffs Doctor Nichols. Rodriguez does the same to *
    Nurse Jane. *

    DR. NICHOLS
    This is a big mistake. She is my
    patient!

    NURSE JANE
    (resisting arrest)
    Hey, I was just following her
    orders here. I'm just helping. I've
    done nothing, nothing!

    DR. NICHOLS
    I'm saving her life! You’re gonna *
    kill her.

    RODRIGUEZ *
    How many, eh? How many of these
    girls have you ‘saved’? How much do *
    they pay you for each save? *

    Dr. Nichols doesn't answer.
    75.
    Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

    Summary Rodriguez and Brown confront Dr. Nichols in Room 103 of the E.R. Medical Area. They demand that he move away from the patient, but he refuses. Dr. Brandt takes over and the doctors push Dr. Nichols and Nurse Jane out of the way. Rodriguez accuses Dr. Nichols of saving girls for money, but he remains silent. The scene ends with tension and unanswered accusations.
    Strengths
    • Intense dialogue
    • High-stakes conflict
    • Suspenseful atmosphere
    Weaknesses
    • Limited character development for supporting characters

    Ratings
    Overall

    Overall: 9

    The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, with intense dialogue and a dramatic confrontation. The conflict between the FBI agents and the doctors raises the stakes and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.


    Story Content

    Concept: 8

    The concept of a showdown in an emergency room adds a unique and unexpected element to the story. It creates a moral dilemma for the characters and raises questions about the balance between saving lives and seeking justice.

    Plot: 9

    The plot in this scene is gripping and fast-paced. It introduces a major conflict between the FBI agents and the doctors, adding tension and raising the stakes for the characters.

    Originality: 6

    The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the setting and situation are familiar in the context of a medical drama, the dialogue and actions of the characters bring a fresh approach to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


    Character Development

    Characters: 9

    The characters in this scene are well-developed and their motivations are clear. The FBI agents are determined to apprehend the suspect, while the doctors are torn between their duty to save lives and their potential involvement in a crime.

    Character Changes: 8

    The characters in this scene experience a shift in their perspectives and priorities. The doctors are forced to confront the consequences of their actions, while the FBI agents are challenged to balance justice with compassion.

    Internal Goal: 8

    The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to save the patient's life and apprehend the people responsible for her condition. This reflects their deeper need for justice and their fear of failing to protect the innocent.

    External Goal: 9

    The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to apprehend Dr. Nichols and Nurse Jane and take control of the situation. This reflects the immediate challenge of stopping the harm being done to the patient and ensuring her safety.


    Scene Elements

    Conflict Level: 9

    The conflict in this scene is high, with the FBI agents demanding the doctors step away from the patient. The tension and confrontation create a sense of urgency and danger.

    Opposition: 8

    The opposition in this scene is strong, as the doctors and nurses resist the protagonists' authority and challenge their actions. The audience is unsure of how the confrontation will be resolved, adding to the tension and conflict.

    High Stakes: 10

    The stakes in this scene are extremely high, with a life hanging in the balance and the potential for legal and ethical consequences for the characters involved.

    Story Forward: 9

    This scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing a major conflict and raising the stakes for the characters. It sets the stage for further developments and escalates the tension.

    Unpredictability: 7

    This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how the confrontation between the protagonists and the doctors will unfold. The resistance from the doctors and nurses adds to the unpredictability of the scene, as the audience is unsure of how the situation will be resolved.

    Philosophical Conflict: 7

    There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in justice and the doctor's belief in saving lives at any cost. The protagonist challenges the doctor's actions and questions their motives, highlighting the clash of values.


    Audience Engagement

    Emotional Impact: 8

    The scene elicits strong emotions, particularly empathy for the doctors who are torn between their duty to save lives and the potential consequences of their actions.

    Dialogue: 9

    The dialogue in this scene is intense and impactful. It reveals the conflicting perspectives of the characters and adds depth to their motivations and actions.

    Engagement: 8

    This scene is engaging because it immediately grabs the audience's attention with the entrance of the protagonists and their declaration of being FBI agents. The fast-paced dialogue and actions create a sense of urgency and tension, keeping the audience invested in the outcome of the situation.

    Pacing: 9

    The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and intense rhythm. The concise dialogue and quick actions keep the scene moving at a brisk pace, heightening the tension and holding the audience's attention.


    Technical Aspect

    Formatting: 9

    The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, character names, and dialogue are properly formatted, making it easy to read and understand. The scene direction is clear and concise, providing guidance for the actors and production team.

    Structure: 9

    The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot of the location, introduces the characters, and progresses through a series of actions and dialogue that build tension and conflict. The scene ends with a cliffhanger, leaving the audience wanting to know what happens next.


    Critique
    • The scene lacks clear and concise description of the setting and actions, making it difficult for the reader to visualize what is happening.
    • The dialogue feels forced and lacks natural flow, particularly in the confrontation between Rodriguez and Dr. Nichols.
    • There is a missed opportunity to build tension and suspense in the scene, as the FBI agents storm into the room.
    • The emotional impact of Enola's condition and the conflict between the medical staff and the FBI agents could be heightened with more nuanced and impactful dialogue.
    • The scene could benefit from more sensory details to engage the reader and create a more immersive experience.
    Suggestions
    • Provide more specific and vivid descriptions of the setting, such as the lighting, sounds, and atmosphere of the E.R. medical area.
    • Revise the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' emotions and motivations.
    • Consider building tension and suspense by slowing down the pace of the scene and focusing on the reactions and internal thoughts of the characters.
    • Explore the conflict between the medical staff and the FBI agents in more depth, allowing for a more nuanced exploration of ethics and duty.
    • Include sensory details to enhance the reader's experience, such as the smell of antiseptic, the hum of medical equipment, and the feel of tension in the air.



    Scene 32 -  The Search for the Strange Guy
    INT. E.R. MEDICAL AREA CORRIDORS -- NIGHT *

    Brown and Rodriguez push Dr. Nichols and Nurse Jane out of *
    Room 103. Susy follows. *

    A SECURITY GUARD approaches Susy. *

    SECURITY GUARD 1 *
    Susy, did you call Security about a *
    strange guy covered in blood? *

    SUSY *
    Yeah. *

    She points at Brown and Rodriguez. *

    SUSY (CONT’D) *
    They’re here for him too. *

    SECURITY GUARD 1 *
    (to Brown and Rodriguez) *
    My partner’s cornered him on the *
    first floor. I can show you. *

    Brown and Rodriguez quickly handcuff Dr. Nichols and Nurse *
    Jane to two nearby chairs. *

    BROWN *
    (to Dr. Nichols) *
    Stay here!

    Rodriguez turns to Susy. *

    RODRIGUEZ *
    Keep and eye on them. And call the *
    police. *

    SUSY *
    Will do. *

    The Security Guard leads Brown and Rodriguez quickly through *
    the corridors. They reach a storeroom guarded by another *
    burly SECURITY GUARD. *

    RODRIGUEZ *
    Stand back.

    The two Security Guards step back. Brown calls out to the *
    locked door. *

    BROWN *
    This is Federal Agent Brown. We
    know you brought her here. You did *
    the right thing. Ok? *
    (MORE)
    76.
    BROWN (CONT’D)
    No need to make things worse now. *
    Come outside with your hands up,
    and you can tell us your version of
    the story. Nobody needs to get
    hurt, ok?

    No answer from inside.

    BROWN (CONT’D) *
    We know you're in there. *

    Rodriguez grows impatient. *

    RODRIGUEZ *
    Good speech.

    BROWN *
    Thank you.

    RODRIGUEZ *
    Now?

    A loud sound comes from inside the room. The two Agents *
    shared a common thought.

    Brown kicks the door open and Rodriguez storms in. *

    Aaron freezes while trying to climb out an open window. *

    AARON
    I wasn’t running, I wasn’t running.
    Just needed fresh air.


    Omitted
    Genres: ["Thriller","Crime","Drama"]

    Summary In this tense and suspenseful scene, Brown and Rodriguez push Dr. Nichols and Nurse Jane out of Room 103 in the E.R. medical area corridors. Susy points out Brown and Rodriguez to a security guard, who informs them that his partner has cornered the strange guy on the first floor. Brown and Rodriguez quickly handcuff Dr. Nichols and Nurse Jane to chairs and instruct Susy to keep an eye on them and call the police. The security guard leads Brown and Rodriguez to a storeroom guarded by another security guard. Brown tries to negotiate with the person inside the locked room, but there is no response. Rodriguez grows impatient, prompting Brown to kick the door open. Inside, they find Aaron freezing while trying to climb out an open window. Aaron claims he wasn't running, just needed fresh air.
    Strengths
    • Tense atmosphere
    • Engaging dialogue
    • Suspenseful plot
    Weaknesses

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly engaging and intense, with a strong sense of conflict and suspense. The dialogue is well-written and the plot moves forward significantly.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of law enforcement confronting medical professionals adds an interesting layer of tension and moral ambiguity to the scene.

      Plot: 9

      The plot is fast-paced and filled with suspense. The scene reveals important information and progresses the overall story.

      Originality: 7

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of apprehending a suspect in a hospital is not entirely unique, the specific actions and dialogue of the characters feel authentic and fresh. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters are well-defined and their actions and dialogue contribute to the tension and conflict in the scene.

      Character Changes: 7

      While there is not significant character development in this scene, the characters' actions and choices reveal their moral compass and motivations.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to apprehend the person they believe brought someone to the E.R. The protagonist's deeper need, fear, or desire is to maintain order and protect the safety of the patients and staff in the hospital.

      External Goal: 9

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to locate and apprehend the person they believe brought someone to the E.R. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing in maintaining order and ensuring the safety of the hospital.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 10

      The conflict between law enforcement and medical professionals creates a highly tense and suspenseful atmosphere.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces the challenge of apprehending a suspect in a high-stakes situation.

      High Stakes: 10

      The stakes are high as law enforcement confronts medical professionals and tries to uncover the truth.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward significantly by revealing important information and escalating the conflict.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how the confrontation with the suspect will go. The unexpected sound from inside the room adds to the unpredictability.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 8

      The scene elicits a sense of tension and concern for the characters involved.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and reveals important information about the characters and their motivations.

      Engagement: 8

      This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation and maintains a fast pace through concise dialogue and action.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast pace and building tension through the actions and dialogue of the characters.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses standard scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

      Structure: 9

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with a clear location and action description, followed by dialogue and character interactions.


      Critique
      • The scene starts with a subplot involving Susy, who notices Aaron covered in blood and calls the FBI. This subplot feels disconnected from the main plot and could potentially slow down the pacing. It also introduces a new character, Susy, without any prior context or development. To improve this scene, consider either cutting this subplot altogether or integrating it more seamlessly into the main plot.
      • The dialogue between Brown and Rodriguez feels forced and unnatural. They both deliver their lines with a heavy-handedness that comes across as contrived. To make the dialogue more authentic, try to make it more conversational and less like a scripted exchange.
      • The scene lacks any real tension or conflict. The confrontation between Brown, Rodriguez, Dr. Nichols, and Nurse Jane feels anticlimactic and lacks any real stakes. To make the scene more impactful, consider raising the stakes and making the confrontation more intense.
      • The scene also lacks any real visual elements or action. The only significant visual element is the handcuffing of Dr. Nichols and Nurse Jane, which feels rushed and lacks any real impact. To make the scene more visually engaging, consider adding more action or visual elements that help to build tension and suspense.
      • The scene ends with Rodriguez accusing Dr. Nichols of saving girls for money, but Dr. Nichols remains silent. This feels like a cheap plot twist that comes out of nowhere and lacks any real context or development. To make the scene more impactful, consider building up to this accusation more gradually and providing more context for the audience.
      Suggestions
      • Consider cutting the subplot involving Susy and Aaron altogether or integrating it more seamlessly into the main plot. For example, you could have Susy overhear Aaron's conversation with Dr. Nichols and Nurse Jane and then report it to the FBI.
      • Try to make the dialogue between Brown and Rodriguez more conversational and less scripted. This will help to make the scene feel more authentic and less contrived.
      • Raise the stakes of the confrontation between Brown, Rodriguez, Dr. Nichols, and Nurse Jane. For example, you could have Dr. Nichols try to escape or resist arrest, which would make the scene more intense and suspenseful.
      • Add more visual elements and action to the scene to make it more engaging. For example, you could have Dr. Nichols and Nurse Jane try to resist arrest, which would make the scene more visually engaging and help to build tension and suspense.
      • Build up to the accusation that Rodriguez makes against Dr. Nichols more gradually. For example, you could have Brown and Rodriguez overhear Dr. Nichols and Nurse Jane discussing their fees for saving girls, which would provide more context for the audience and make the accusation feel more impactful.



      Scene 33 -  Suspenseful Encounter at the Gas Station
      INT. GAS STATION - NIGHT

      Hector buys some cookies. He walks to the CASHIER and pays. *

      At the moment to give his credit card, he also places a small
      envelope under the bag of cookies.

      When the cashier takes the bag to scan it, he swiftly drops
      the envelope into a drawer.

      HECTOR
      (addressing the security
      cameras)
      All off, 'til 3.30. *
      77.


      The cashier scans the credit card. Gives the bag of cookies *
      and the receipt to Hector.

      The Latina cleaning lady, Selena, cleans the floor near the *
      hotdog burner. She glances at Hector and the Cashier. *

      Hector looks outside.


      INT. SEAN'S CAR - NIGHT

      Sean drives. Mike stares ahead. Suddenly a phone RINGS. *

      SEAN
      Oh, shit!

      Sean takes it out from his pocket - it's Glenn's phone. *

      Sean reads the caller ID. *

      SEAN (CONT’D)
      Oh well, this is going to be fun.

      He shows the caller ID to Mike: Jenny. *

      The face of Glenn's young daughter smiles at them. *

      MIKE *
      Cute!

      Sean doesn't answer but lets it ring. *

      The phone stops ringing. A few seconds later it DINGS, *
      indicating a message. *

      SEAN
      I knew it.

      Sean hits the Voicemail button. *

      JENNY (O.S.)
      Hi Dad, just spoke to Mom. I just *
      wanted to tell you... I love you.

      Sean pretends to be touched.

      JENNY (O.S.) (CONT’D)
      I know all you are doing for me,
      and just want to say, you are the
      best, you-- *

      Sean stops the replay.
      78.


      SEAN
      This is fun.
      (to Mike) *
      Shall we?

      Mike is puzzled.

      Sean makes a call on his own phone. *

      SEAN (CONT’D)
      Glenn, Glenn are you there.
      Everything alright? I have a
      surprise for you. Listen.

      Sean plays Jenny's message.
      Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

      Summary Hector buys cookies at a gas station and discreetly places an envelope under the bag. He then addresses the security cameras, requesting them to be turned off until 3.30. Meanwhile, Selena, the observant cleaning lady, watches Hector and the cashier closely. In Sean's car, he receives a call on Glenn's phone from Jenny, Glenn's daughter. Sean shows the caller ID to Mike, and they listen to Jenny's voicemail. Sean pretends to be deeply moved by the message. Later, Sean calls Glenn and plays Jenny's heartfelt message, leaving the scene filled with suspense and secrecy.
      Strengths
      • Intense dialogue
      • Suspenseful atmosphere
      • Emotional moments
      Weaknesses
      • Limited character development for some minor characters

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly engaging and suspenseful, with intense dialogue and emotional moments that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of law enforcement confronting medical professionals adds an intriguing layer of conflict and raises questions about ethics and justice.

      Plot: 9

      The plot is well-developed and keeps the audience invested in the outcome of the confrontation. It builds tension and advances the overall story.

      Originality: 4

      The level of originality in this scene is relatively low. The situations and actions are fairly common and do not present any fresh approaches. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is not explicitly evident in this short scene.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters are well-defined and their motivations and actions drive the scene. The conflict between Rodriguez and Dr. Nichols adds depth to their interactions.

      Character Changes: 8

      Dr. Nichols remains silent despite the accusations, showcasing a change in his demeanor. Enola's peaceful smile also suggests a change in her perspective.

      Internal Goal: 7

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is not explicitly stated, but it can be inferred that Hector is attempting to carry out a covert action by placing an envelope under the bag of cookies without being noticed. This reflects his desire to keep his actions hidden and potentially suggests a deeper need for secrecy or deception.

      External Goal: 6

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to make a purchase at the gas station and carry out his covert action without being detected. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he is facing, as he needs to act quickly and discreetly.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 10

      The conflict between Rodriguez and Dr. Nichols, as well as the overall situation, is intense and drives the scene forward.

      Opposition: 6

      The opposition in this scene is moderate. While there is no direct conflict or obstacle, the protagonist's covert action creates a sense of opposition as he tries to avoid detection. The audience is unsure of whether he will succeed or face consequences.

      High Stakes: 10

      The stakes are high as law enforcement confronts potential criminals and tries to save Enola's life.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by resolving the conflict between law enforcement and medical professionals and leading to the discovery of Aaron.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a mysterious action by the protagonist without providing clear context or explanation. The audience is left wondering about Hector's motives and what will happen next.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 9

      The scene elicits strong emotions from the audience, particularly through Enola's plea and the contrast between her tears and peaceful smile.

      Dialogue: 10

      The dialogue is sharp, intense, and reveals important information about the characters and the situation. It effectively conveys the tension and emotions of the scene.

      Engagement: 8

      This scene is engaging because it introduces a sense of mystery and suspense through the protagonist's covert actions. The reader is intrigued to find out what Hector is up to and how he will avoid detection.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of tension and suspense. The concise and focused writing style keeps the reader engaged and interested in the unfolding events.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses standard scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot and then moves between different locations and characters, providing clear transitions.


      Critique
      • The scene at the gas station feels disconnected from the rest of the story. It's unclear why Hector is buying cookies or why he's dropping an envelope into a drawer. This lack of context makes it difficult for the audience to understand the significance of this action. Additionally, the scene is very brief and doesn't contribute much to the overall plot or character development.
      • The dialogue between Sean and Mike feels forced and lacks naturalism. The conversation about Jenny's message feels contrived and doesn't add much to the scene. It would be more effective to have Sean and Mike discuss something that advances the plot or reveals more about their characters.
      • The scene at the gas station also lacks tension or conflict. There's no sense of urgency or danger, which makes it feel like a filler scene. It would be more effective to have Hector encounter some kind of obstacle or danger at the gas station that adds to the overall suspense of the story.
      • The scene with Dr. Nichols and the patient in Room 103 is intense and suspenseful, but it feels like it's been rushed. The dialogue between the characters is brief and doesn't give us enough information about their motivations or backstory. It would be more effective to have a longer, more detailed scene that explores the relationship between Dr. Nichols and the patient and reveals more about their past.
      • The scene with Brown and Rodriguez searching for Aaron is also intense and suspenseful, but it feels like it's missing some key details. We don't know why Aaron is running or what he's trying to escape from. It would be more effective to have a longer, more detailed scene that reveals more about Aaron's backstory and motivations.
      Suggestions
      • To make the scene at the gas station more meaningful, you could have Hector drop the envelope into the drawer because he's trying to hide evidence or avoid being caught by the FBI. This would add tension and conflict to the scene and give the audience a better understanding of Hector's motivations.
      • To make the conversation between Sean and Mike more naturalistic, you could have them discuss something that's relevant to the plot or their characters. For example, Sean could be worried about Jenny's safety or Mike could be struggling with a personal issue that affects their work.
      • To make the scene at the gas station more suspenseful, you could have Hector encounter a dangerous situation, such as a robbery or a car chase. This would add tension and danger to the scene and make it more memorable.
      • To make the scene with Dr. Nichols and the patient more detailed, you could have a longer, more complex dialogue that reveals more about their relationship and backstory. For example, Dr. Nichols could have a personal connection to the patient or a history of working with her that adds to the emotional tension of the scene.
      • To make the scene with Brown and Rodriguez searching for Aaron more detailed, you could have a longer, more complex dialogue that reveals more about Aaron's backstory and motivations. For example, Aaron could have a history of working with the FBI or a personal connection to one of the characters that adds to the emotional tension of the scene.



      Scene 34 -  Tense Car Conversation
      INT. GREY CHEVY - NIGHT

      Glenn listens carefully. (intercut with Sarah listening too).

      JENNY (V.O.)
      Hi dad, just spoke to mom. I just
      wanted to tell you... I love you. I
      know all you are doing for me, and
      just wanted to say, you are the
      best. I'm sorry if I was tense when
      I was there, and I was angry, but I *
      just wanted to let you know... I'm
      so sorry... Please be careful, do
      not drive late, go home. It doesn't
      matter, really, the payments and
      the school, I love you. Be safe. Go
      home.
      (beat ) *
      Oh, I almost forgot... *
      (singing ) *
      I'll be home for Christmas. Love
      you!

      Sean hangs up.

      Glenn can barely breathe. Guilt, frustration, fear, anger *
      and, finally, determination play over his face. *


      INT. SEAN'S CAR - NIGHT

      Sean doesn't make any comment. Mike is tense.

      Quiet time is unbearable to Sean.
      79.


      SEAN
      Well, that turned out to be...
      stupid.

      Mike doesn't comment.

      SEAN (CONT’D)
      I know, I know it's a screw up but
      everything will be ok. He’s still *
      under my control.

      Mike lets him rant. *

      SEAN (CONT’D)
      I don't need you to remind me
      what's at stake here.

      Sean drives into the gas station and parks at a pump. *

      SEAN (CONT’D)
      Got to refill.

      MIKE
      Ok. I’ll get our coffees after I *
      hit the head. *

      Sean watches Mike hurry into the gas station. *

      SEAN
      Jeez, what a pansy.

      Sean sees Mike rush into a bathroom at the back of the store. *
      Exchanges a glance with Hector in the window. *
      Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

      Summary Glenn listens to a voicemail from his daughter Jenny, expressing her love and apologies. Sean feels a mix of guilt, frustration, fear, anger, and determination. Sean and Mike have a tense conversation in the car, with Sean expressing regret and asserting his control. Sean drives into a gas station and watches Mike go to the bathroom.
      Strengths
      • Building tension and suspense
      • Emotional impact
      • Advancing the plot
      Weaknesses
      • Lack of standout dialogue

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene effectively builds tension and emotion, while also advancing the plot and revealing important information.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of a confrontation between the protagonists and the medical staff adds a layer of conflict and raises the stakes.

      Plot: 9

      The plot progresses significantly with the confrontation and the discovery of Aaron trying to escape.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a character dealing with guilt and frustration is familiar, the specific dialogue and actions feel authentic and true to the characters' emotions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters' emotions and motivations are well portrayed, especially Glenn's guilt and determination.

      Character Changes: 8

      Glenn experiences a significant change in determination and resolve after hearing Jenny's voicemail.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to deal with his guilt, frustration, fear, anger, and determination. It reflects his deeper needs for redemption, resolution, and control.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to refill the car at a gas station. It reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing, such as the need for fuel and the potential danger of being caught.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The confrontation between the protagonists and the medical staff creates a high level of conflict.

      Opposition: 7

      The opposition in this scene is moderate. The protagonist faces internal struggles and potential external challenges, but the audience is unsure how these conflicts will play out.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes are high as the protagonists confront the medical staff and try to save Enola.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by revealing important information and escalating the conflict.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it introduces conflicting emotions and tensions within the protagonist. The audience is unsure how the protagonist will handle his internal struggles and the external challenges he faces.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 10

      The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly through Glenn's reaction to Jenny's voicemail.

      Dialogue: 7

      The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and moves the scene forward, but lacks standout lines.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it creates tension and emotional depth through the dialogue and actions of the characters. The audience is drawn into the internal struggles of the protagonist and their interactions with the other character.

      Pacing: 8

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and emotions. The dialogue and actions are paced in a way that keeps the audience engaged and interested.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses standard scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot and then alternates between two locations, intercutting between the protagonist and another character.


      Critique
      • The scene starts with Sean and Mike discussing getting coffee, but they decide against it due to bad coffee at a gas station. This conversation feels unnecessary and doesn't add much to the scene. It could be cut without affecting the plot.
      • The emotional tone of the scene is tense and urgent due to Glenn's phone call with Jenny. However, Sean's rant about everything being okay and Glenn still being under his control feels out of place and detracts from the tension. It's unclear why Sean is so confident that everything will be okay.
      • The scene ends with Sean watching Mike rush into a bathroom at the back of the store and exchanging a glance with Hector in the window. This leaves the audience wondering what's going on and creates a sense of suspense. However, it's unclear why Sean is watching Mike so closely and what Hector's involvement is.
      • The dialogue between Sean and Mike feels forced and unnatural. It's clear that Sean is trying to distract Mike from noticing something, but it's not clear what that something is.
      • The scene lacks context about what's going on with Glenn and why Jenny's message is so important. Without this information, it's difficult to understand the significance of the scene and why the audience should care.
      Suggestions
      • Consider cutting the conversation about getting coffee to streamline the scene and focus on the tension between Sean and Glenn.
      • Provide more context about what's going on with Glenn and why Jenny's message is so important. This will help the audience understand the significance of the scene and why they should care.
      • Clarify Sean's motivation for watching Mike so closely and what Hector's involvement is. This will add more tension to the scene and make it more engaging for the audience.
      • Make Sean's rant about everything being okay and Glenn still being under his control more believable by providing more context about their relationship and why Sean is so confident.
      • Consider adding more visual elements to the scene to help convey the tension and suspense. For example, you could have Sean and Mike's faces reflect the tension they're feeling, or have Hector's face show some kind of reaction to Sean's behavior.



      Scene 35 -  Mike's Distress and Surprise
      INT. GAS STATION / BATHROOM - NIGHT *

      Mike gets inside a stall. He takes out his phone. Dials a *
      number. *

      MIKE
      Mike here. Change of plans... don't
      know. Listen... listen to me...
      she’s all alone now. I'm not sure *
      we will be at the... I understand
      but... I don't give a fuck. It was
      my idea because I knew I was gonna *
      be there but now... what do you
      mean 'made'?... are you sure? I
      won't leave her there, she is my
      responsibility... I told you I
      wouldn't. I'm not leaving her
      alone.
      80.


      Mike hangs up the phone and punches the wall. Sean’s voice *
      echoes through his mind. *

      SEAN (V.O.)
      Enough for you to sit in my car... *
      you are merch... if you choke... we
      will kill you... too many
      questions... I'm a lie detector...
      easy to read... kill you...
      merch...merch... merch

      MIKE
      Fuck!

      He quickly makes up his mind. *

      Mike lowers his pants to reveal a hanging wire leading to a *
      microphone taped to his abdomen. *

      He removes the wire with the microphone and the little
      recorder from his underwear and throws them in the toilet.

      Then Mike removes a tiny speaker from his ear and throws it *
      into the toilet, too. He flushes them.

      He washes his face. Looks at himself in the mirror and takes *
      a deep breath.

      Mike heads out, not noticing that some pieces of his *
      equipment have been regurgitated by the toilet.

      GAS STATION

      Mike walks out and bumps into Hector. *

      HECTOR
      Mike!

      MIKE
      Hector? What-- *

      HECTOR
      I'm joining you and Sean for the
      grand finale. Sorry, got to pee.

      Hector hurries into the bathroom, leaving Mike baffled and *
      scared.

      Mike walks to the coffee makers.

      He pours two cups while glancing around, paying attention to *
      the CUSTOMERS and the Cashier. He’s clearly looking for *
      somebody.
      81.


      MIKE
      (under his breath)
      Where are you guys? Come on!

      He even looks outside where Sean is still handling the re-
      fueling. Mike scans the gas station.

      Hector strolls out of the bathroom and heads towards the *
      Cashier. *

      Mike doesn't realize that the coffee is too much and
      overflows onto his hands.

      MIKE (CONT’D)
      Fuck!

      All eyes are on him now. Selena shakes her head. *

      He quickly dries his hands and levels the coffee. Then he *
      walks to the Cashier, too. *

      Hector leaves while Mike pays for his coffees. *

      As Mike heads for the door he notices that Sean and Hector *
      give each other a fist bump. *
      Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

      Summary Mike enters a gas station bathroom and makes a phone call to change plans. He becomes distressed and removes a wire and microphone from his abdomen, flushing them down the toilet. Mike bumps into Hector outside the bathroom and is surprised when Hector says he is joining Mike and Sean for the grand finale. Mike pours coffee and looks for Sean and Hector, but spills it on his hands. He pays for the coffee and notices Sean and Hector giving each other a fist bump.
      Strengths
      • Intense tension and suspense
      • Strong character development
      • Engaging dialogue
      Weaknesses
      • Some minor misspellings

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly engaging and intense, with a strong sense of tension and suspense. The unexpected twist adds an element of surprise and raises the stakes for the characters.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of the scene, which involves a confrontation and a hidden microphone, is well-executed and adds intrigue to the story.

      Plot: 9

      The plot of the scene is well-developed and moves the story forward by revealing new information and escalating the conflict.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While there are no unique situations or fresh approaches to familiar ones, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the scene's originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters in the scene are well-defined and their actions and dialogue reflect their motivations and personalities.

      Character Changes: 7

      The character of Mike undergoes a significant change in the scene, as he decides to remove the hidden microphone and take control of the situation.

      Internal Goal: 8

      Mike's internal goal in this scene is to protect someone he cares about and not leave them alone.

      External Goal: 7

      Mike's external goal in this scene is to find Sean and Hector.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving both physical and emotional confrontations.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong as Mike faces challenges and unexpected events that create obstacles for him.

      High Stakes: 10

      The stakes in the scene are extremely high, as the characters are dealing with a dangerous situation and the potential consequences of their actions.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by resolving a conflict and setting up the final showdown between the protagonists and the antagonist.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements, such as Hector joining Mike and Sean, and the coffee overflowing onto Mike's hands.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 8

      The scene evokes strong emotions in the characters and the audience, particularly guilt, fear, anger, and determination.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue in the scene is tense and impactful, effectively conveying the characters' emotions and driving the plot forward.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation and keeps the audience invested in Mike's actions and decisions.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension, especially through the quick actions and dialogue exchanges.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, spacing, and punctuation.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue.


      Critique
      • The scene lacks context as we don't know why Mike is making these calls or what he's discussing. This leaves the audience confused and disconnected from the scene.
      • The dialogue between Mike and Sean in the previous scene sets up a tension and conflict that isn't fully resolved in this scene. We need to see more of this conflict play out in order to fully understand the characters' motivations and relationships.
      • The scene feels rushed and disjointed, with Mike's actions and decisions feeling sudden and unexplained. We need more setup and buildup to make these moments feel earned and impactful.
      • The scene lacks visual interest or tension. We need to see more close-ups and medium shots of Mike's face and body language to convey his emotions and thoughts.
      • The scene doesn't fully explore the themes and ideas introduced in the previous scenes. We need to see more connections and parallels between the different scenes and characters in order to fully understand the story's overarching themes.
      Suggestions
      • We need to see more of Mike's backstory and motivations in order to fully understand his actions in this scene. Consider adding a flashback or dream sequence to provide more context.
      • We need to see more of Sean's influence and control over Mike in this scene. Consider adding more dialogue or actions that highlight their power dynamic.
      • We need to see more of the other characters' reactions to Mike's actions in this scene. Consider adding more close-ups and medium shots of Selena and the Cashier to convey their thoughts and emotions.
      • We need to see more visual symbolism and metaphors in this scene to convey the themes and ideas introduced in the previous scenes. Consider adding more close-ups and medium shots of the coffee makers, the bathroom, and the gas station to convey their significance.
      • We need to see more connections and parallels between the different scenes and characters in order to fully understand the story's overarching themes. Consider adding more dialogue or actions that highlight these connections and parallels.



      Scene 36 -  Tense Confrontation at the Gas Station and E.R.
      EXT. GAS STATION / PUMP *

      Mike is tense. He keeps looking around. *

      MIKE
      Here we go!

      SEAN
      Feeling better?

      MIKE
      Much better.

      Mike gives the coffee to Sean and glances around again. *

      SEAN
      You waiting for someone?

      MIKE
      No, of course not. Just making sure *
      we’re ok. *

      HECTOR
      Let's go.

      Sean gets in the driver’s seat. *
      82.


      Hector climbs into the back seat behind the passenger side. *

      Mike opens his door, picks up his red hat and puts it on. He *
      glances around one more time. *

      HECTOR (CONT’D)
      So? We good? *

      Mike nods. Gets in the car. *


      INT. E.R. MEDICAL AREA / ROOM 103 - NIGHT

      Dr. Nichols and Nurse Jane are interrogated by two male *
      POLICE OFFICERS, still handcuffed to their chairs. *

      DR. NICHOLS *
      I didn't do anything wrong, I just *
      wanted to save that woman. *
      (points at Aaron) *
      Look that guy even tried to bribe *
      me. He left money in the drawer and *
      I didn't take it. I just wanted to *
      help. This is crazy. *

      One of the Police Officer writes on a notepad. *

      Nearby, outside Room 103, Aaron sits handcuffed to a chair *
      while Brown and Rodriguez question him. Several medicine *
      bottles lie on a small table next to them. *

      Aaron stares ahead, defiant. *

      BROWN *
      Listen to me, you have a chance
      here. You can save your ass.
      Understand? *

      AARON
      This is all wrong. I did the right *
      thing. I found her in the middle of *
      the street and I brought her here. *
      I don't understand. What's all the
      fuss about?

      BROWN *
      Well we’ll see if she corroborates *
      your version, Mr.... *

      Brown looks one more time at the Driver’s License in his *
      hand. *

      BROWN (CONT’D) *
      ... Paul Hubert. *
      83.


      Dr. Lewis walks out of Room 103. Rodriguez rushes towards *
      him.

      Aaron stares at them.

      Dr. Lewis and Rodriguez share some quiet words. Rodriguez *
      nods grimly. They shake hands, then Rodriguez comes back to *
      them. *

      She pulls Brown aside and they whisper for a moment. Then *
      Rodriguez leaves and enters Room 103. Brown steps back over *
      to Aaron. *

      BROWN (CONT’D) *
      Well, Mr. Hubert, apparently today
      is your lucky day.

      Aaron smiles.

      AARON
      Can I go?

      BROWN *
      She died five minutes ago.

      Aaron fakes a sad face, not very convincing.

      Rodriguez comes out of room 103 and stops right in front of *
      Aaron.

      RODRIGUEZ *
      Agent Brown misunderstood... I said
      'she didn't die'. I just spoke to
      her. Your name is Aaron and her *
      pimp is Hector...

      Aaron expression changes from faux grief to one of growing *
      panic.

      RODRIGUEZ (CONT’D) *
      That's the face I wanted to see,
      you son of bitch. Nobody can save
      you, we’re fucking onto you! *

      Aaron fumes. He rattles the handcuffs. *

      RODRIGUEZ (CONT’D) *
      What? Do you want to hit me, huh? *
      Asshole, you want to hit me?

      Aaron’s face goes blank. He stares ahead. *
      84.


      RODRIGUEZ (CONT’D) *
      I'll make sure you spend the rest
      of your days behind bars. Even if
      it's the last thing I do.

      Aaron can’t resist anymore. He looks straight into Rodriguez' *
      eyes.

      AARON
      Seriously... a red hat?

      Brown and Rodriguez exchange a glance. *

      AARON (CONT’D)
      That’s the face I wanted to see.

      Rodriguez picks up the phone as fast as Brown punches Aaron
      in the stomach.

      AARON (CONT’D)
      (coughing)
      It feels so good.

      Aaron laughs out loud.
      Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

      Summary Mike is tense at the gas station while Sean expresses concern. They all get in the car and head to the E.R. In the E.R., Dr. Nichols and Nurse Jane are interrogated by police officers. Aaron is handcuffed and questioned by Brown and Rodriguez. Dr. Lewis and Rodriguez have a conversation, revealing Aaron's name and the pimp's name. Aaron's expression changes from grief to panic. Rodriguez threatens Aaron, who taunts them about his red hat. In response, Rodriguez punches Aaron in the stomach, and Aaron laughs.
      Strengths
      • Tension and suspense
      • Engaging dialogue
      • Twist in the plot
      Weaknesses
      • Limited exploration of theme
      • Lack of significant character change

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly engaging and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The tension and suspense are effectively built, and the twist adds an unexpected element to the story. The emotions and motivations of the characters are well-portrayed, creating a strong connection with the audience.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of a confrontation between the main characters and a suspect is not entirely unique, but the execution and the twist in the plot make it compelling. The scene effectively utilizes suspense and tension to create an engaging experience for the audience.

      Plot: 9

      The plot of the scene is well-structured and keeps the audience engaged. The twist in the plot adds an unexpected element and raises the stakes for the characters. The scene effectively moves the story forward and sets up further conflicts and developments.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the gas station and police interrogation settings are familiar, the specific actions and dialogue of the characters add a fresh perspective. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters in the scene are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are effectively portrayed. The audience can empathize with their struggles and feel invested in their actions. The dialogue between the characters is engaging and reveals their personalities.

      Character Changes: 7

      While there is not a significant character change in this scene, the emotions and motivations of the characters are revealed and developed. The audience gains a deeper understanding of the characters' personalities and their roles in the story.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of calm and composure despite the tense situation. This reflects their need to stay in control and not reveal any signs of guilt or fear.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to convince the police officers of their innocence and that they did the right thing by bringing the woman to the hospital. This reflects the immediate challenge of being interrogated and potentially facing legal consequences.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external. The characters are in a high-stakes situation and face opposition from the suspect. The conflict drives the tension and suspense in the scene and keeps the audience engaged.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong, with the police officers interrogating the protagonist and challenging their version of events. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold, adding to the tension.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes in the scene are high, as the characters are in a life-or-death situation and face the possibility of being caught. The outcome of the scene has significant consequences for the characters and the overall story.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by revealing important information about the plot and the characters. It sets up further conflicts and developments, keeping the audience engaged and eager to know what happens next.

      Unpredictability: 8

      This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists and turns, such as the revelation that the woman didn't die and the protagonist's manipulation of the situation. These elements keep the audience guessing and create suspense.

      Philosophical Conflict: 7

      There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's belief in doing the right thing and the police officers' suspicion and desire to find evidence of wrongdoing. This challenges the protagonist's values and worldview.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 8

      The scene evokes a range of emotions in the audience, including guilt, fear, anger, and determination. The emotions of the characters are effectively portrayed, creating a strong emotional impact. The audience feels invested in the outcome of the scene.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue in the scene is well-written and effectively conveys the emotions and motivations of the characters. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the tension and suspense. The dialogue also reveals important information about the plot and the characters.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of suspense and intrigue through the tense atmosphere, the protagonist's internal and external goals, and the philosophical conflict. The dialogue and actions of the characters keep the audience invested in the outcome.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of tension and urgency. The concise dialogue and focused narrative description keep the scene moving at a brisk pace.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, character names, and dialogue are properly formatted and easy to follow.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It transitions smoothly between locations and effectively builds tension through the dialogue and actions of the characters.


      Critique
      • The scene starts with a lack of context, as the reader is not immediately informed of what led up to this point. This could potentially confuse the audience and hinder their engagement with the story. To remedy this, it would be helpful to include a brief summary of the events that preceded this scene in the form of stage directions or dialogue.
      • The dialogue between Brown, Rodriguez, and Aaron feels forced and lacks naturalism. The lines are too expository and lack the subtlety and nuance that would make them feel more authentic. To improve this, the writer could focus on creating more organic and spontaneous dialogue that reveals the characters' motivations and emotions through their actions and words.
      • The scene lacks a clear sense of tension and urgency, which could make it feel less impactful and less engaging for the audience. To address this, the writer could consider adding more moments of high stakes and intense conflict, as well as increasing the pacing and tempo of the dialogue and action.
      • The scene could benefit from more visual and sensory details that help to immerse the audience in the setting and atmosphere. This could include descriptions of the sights, sounds, and smells of the hospital, as well as more vivid and descriptive language that brings the scene to life.
      • The scene could also benefit from more character development and backstory, as this would help to deepen the audience's understanding and investment in the characters' fates. This could include more insight into Aaron's motivations and history, as well as more context about the relationship between Brown, Rodriguez, and Dr. Nichols.
      Suggestions
      • To provide more context and background, the writer could consider including a flashback or dream sequence that reveals more about Aaron's past and his relationship with Dr. Nichols. This could help to explain his actions and motivations, as well as add more depth and complexity to the story.
      • To create more naturalistic and organic dialogue, the writer could consider using more subtext and implication, as well as focusing on creating more dynamic and unpredictable exchanges between the characters. This could help to make the dialogue feel more authentic and engaging, while also revealing more about the characters' emotions and motivations.
      • To increase the tension and urgency, the writer could consider adding more moments of high stakes and intense conflict, as well as increasing the pacing and tempo of the dialogue and action. This could include more moments of physical violence, as well as more moments of psychological tension and manipulation.
      • To add more visual and sensory details, the writer could consider using more descriptive language and imagery to bring the setting and atmosphere to life. This could include more descriptions of the hospital's sights, sounds, and smells, as well as more vivid and descriptive language that helps to immerse the audience in the scene.
      • To add more character development and backstory, the writer could consider including more moments of introspection and reflection, as well as more insight into the characters' histories and relationships. This could help to deepen the audience's understanding and investment in the characters' fates, while also adding more depth and complexity to the story.



      Scene 37 -  Betrayal and Revenge
      INT. SEAN'S CAR - NIGHT *

      As he starts to pull onto the highway, Sean drinks his *
      coffee. Then spits it out.

      SEAN
      You trying to kill me, man? *

      Sean stops the car.

      MIKE
      No, what, what are you talking
      about? *

      SEAN
      This ain’t decaf and there is no *
      Splenda. With my blood pressure... *

      MIKE
      I... I'm sorry. I... let me make it
      up to you. I'll go back and-- *

      SEAN
      No need for that, I'm ok. Really,
      you were the one who wanted coffee *
      so badly.
      85.


      MIKE
      I'm sorry.

      SEAN
      Yeah, yeah. It's not cool, man. I *
      mean I'm ok, but it ain't right.

      Mike notices that Hector sits right behind him.

      A phone rings.

      Mike reaches for his pocket and freezes.

      BEGIN FLASHBACK *


      INT. GAS STATION - NIGHT

      Mike bumps into Hector and Hector pickpockets his phone. *

      END FLASHBACK

      BACK TO SCENE *

      Sean puts the car into “Park.” Hector takes out Mike's phone. *

      HECTOR
      Looking for this?

      Mike tries to open the door but Hector grabs his forehead and
      holds his head. Sean puts his hand on Mike's mouth and cuts *
      his throat with a pocket knife. *

      Mike puts up a fight that is as desperate as it is
      ineffective. Mike's life quickly disappears from his eyes.

      SEAN
      What a son of a bitch.

      HECTOR
      Glad you warned us.


      EXT. GAS STATION - NIGHT *

      Hector and Sean get out of the car. Hector opens Mike's door *
      to search him. Takes something from Mike’s pocket. *

      Sean opens the trunk and pulls out a can of gasoline. He *
      throws the liquid on the car.

      Sean sets the car on fire.

      Hector shows him Mike’s FBI badge. *
      86.


      Sean freezes.

      SEAN
      What the fuck?

      Hector smiles.

      HECTOR
      For my collection. 23rd. Started *
      when I killed my first cop. I keep *
      the score.

      Hector marks a cross on the badge.

      Sean relaxes.
      Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

      Summary In this tense and violent scene, Sean and Mike are in a car when Sean realizes his coffee is not decaf and gets upset. Mike apologizes, but Sean's anger escalates when Hector reveals he has stolen Mike's phone. In a flashback, Hector pickpockets Mike's phone at a gas station. Sean helps Hector hold Mike captive, and Sean cuts Mike's throat with a pocket knife. They then get out of the car, Hector takes something from Mike's pocket, and Sean sets the car on fire. The scene ends with Hector showing Sean Mike's FBI badge and marking a cross on it, symbolizing betrayal and revenge.
      Strengths
      • Intense and suspenseful atmosphere
      • Shocking plot twist
      • Strong emotional impact
      Weaknesses
      • Some dialogue could be more nuanced

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly impactful and intense, with a shocking twist and a brutal act of violence. It effectively conveys the dark and suspenseful tone of the story.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of betrayal and revenge is executed effectively in the scene, creating a strong emotional response from the audience.

      Plot: 9

      The plot of the scene is gripping and full of suspense. The twist of Hector betraying Mike and Sean adds a layer of complexity to the story.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a character being held captive and threatened is familiar, the specific details and dialogue are unique. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters in the scene are well-developed and their actions and dialogue contribute to the tension and conflict.

      Character Changes: 8

      The character of Mike undergoes a significant change as he is betrayed and killed by Hector, leading to a shift in the dynamics of the story.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to survive and protect himself. This reflects his deeper need for self-preservation and his fear of being harmed or killed.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to escape from the car and the dangerous situation he is in. It reflects the immediate circumstances of being held captive and threatened by the other characters.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 10

      The conflict in the scene is intense and high-stakes, with the betrayal and violent act of revenge creating a sense of danger and tension.

      Opposition: 9

      The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist is held captive and threatened by the other characters. The audience doesn't know how the protagonist will escape or survive.

      High Stakes: 10

      The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with the betrayal and violent act of revenge having significant consequences for the characters and the overall story.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major plot twist and escalating the conflict between the characters.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected actions and twists, such as the protagonist being killed by another character. The audience doesn't know how the scene will unfold.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 9

      The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, particularly shock, fear, and anger.

      Dialogue: 8

      The dialogue in the scene is tense and impactful, revealing the characters' emotions and motivations.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it immediately introduces a tense and suspenseful situation and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The dialogue and actions of the characters create a sense of urgency and danger.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency and tension. The quick dialogue exchanges and the escalation of violence keep the scene moving at a fast pace.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, character names, and dialogue in the correct format.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot and then focuses on the dialogue and actions of the characters.


      Critique
      • The scene starts with a minor conflict between Sean and Mike over the coffee, but it quickly escalates into a violent and unexpected turn of events. This sudden shift in tone and action may leave the audience feeling disoriented and confused. To address this, the writer could consider building up the tension and suspense leading up to the violent act, perhaps through a series of subtle clues or foreshadowing. This would help the audience anticipate and prepare for the twist, making it more impactful and less jarring.
      • The dialogue between Sean and Mike feels forced and unnatural, with Sean's line about the coffee coming across as contrived. The writer could consider making the dialogue more organic and authentic, perhaps by drawing on the characters' personalities and relationships to create more natural and believable exchanges.
      • The introduction of Hector into the scene feels abrupt and unexplained, with no clear context or motivation for his appearance. The writer could consider providing more backstory or context for Hector's involvement, perhaps through a flashback or a conversation between Sean and Mike earlier in the script.
      • The violence in the scene is graphic and intense, but it may come across as gratuitous and unnecessary, especially given the relatively minor conflict that precedes it. The writer could consider toning down the violence or finding a more subtle and nuanced way to resolve the conflict, perhaps through a clever twist or a surprising revelation.
      • The ending of the scene, with Sean and Hector burning the car and discovering Mike's FBI badge, feels anticlimactic and underdeveloped. The writer could consider exploring the implications of this discovery in more detail, perhaps through a conversation between Sean and Hector or a flashback to Mike's past actions.
      Suggestions
      • To build up the tension and suspense leading up to the violent act, the writer could consider using more subtle and nuanced clues, such as Sean's unease and paranoia, Mike's nervousness and fidgeting, or Hector's suspicious behavior. These clues could be dropped throughout the scene, gradually increasing the audience's sense of unease and anticipation.
      • To make the dialogue more organic and authentic, the writer could consider drawing on the characters' personalities and relationships to create more natural and believable exchanges. For example, Sean could express his concern for Mike's safety, while Mike could defend his actions or reveal his true feelings about the situation.
      • To provide more context and backstory for Hector's involvement, the writer could consider using a flashback or a conversation between Sean and Mike earlier in the script. This could help the audience understand Hector's motivations and relationships, making his appearance in the scene more meaningful and impactful.
      • To find a more subtle and nuanced way to resolve the conflict, the writer could consider using a clever twist or a surprising revelation. For example, Mike could reveal that he is actually an undercover FBI agent, or that he has been working with Sean all along to take down Hector's organization. This would add a new layer of complexity and intrigue to the scene, making it more engaging and memorable.
      • To explore the implications of Mike's FBI badge in more detail, the writer could consider using a conversation between Sean and Hector, or a flashback to Mike's past actions. This could help the audience understand the significance of the discovery, and how it affects the characters' relationships and motivations.



      Scene 38 -  Desperate Phone Calls and Whispered Secrets
      INT. E.R. MEDICAL AREA CORRIDORS - NIGHT *

      Brown calls the emergency code he has been given. *

      BROWN *
      Answer, damn it. Answer.

      Rodriguez holds her breath. *

      Finally the line is connected. *

      BROWN (CONT’D) *
      Finally! This is Agent Brown, you-- *

      HECTOR (O.S.)
      Agent Brown, is it? Too late, your
      boy is already burning in hell.


      EXT. GAS STATION / HECTOR'S CAR - NIGHT *

      Hector hangs up and throws the phone away.

      SEAN
      Damn it, they could track it

      HECTOR
      By the time they find it, we’ll be *
      ghosts. *

      Hector gets in the driver’s seat. Sean opens the passenger *
      door.

      SEAN
      What the fuck?

      Wet blood stains the passenger seat. *
      87.


      HECTOR
      Oh, that. Enola.

      SEAN
      Jeez. I'm not sitting here.

      Sean climbs into the back seat. *

      SEAN (CONT’D)
      Driver, to my villa.

      Sean laughs. Hector starts the car up and drives away. *


      INT. E.R. MEDICAL AREA CORRIDORS - NIGHT

      Brown freezes. Rodriguez doesn't need explanations, she *
      knows.

      Brown smashes the phone. *

      BROWN *
      Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I knew it!

      Rodriguez cannot breathe. *

      After a moment of despair they look at each other.

      RODRIGUEZ *
      The girl! *

      Rodriguez rushes towards Room 103. *


      INT. E.R. MEDICAL AREA / ROOM 103 - NIGHT

      Rodriguez storms into Room 103, where the two Doctors are *
      still trying to save Enola's life.

      RODRIGUEZ *
      I’ve got to talk to her. *

      DR. LEWIS
      Not now, we just got her *
      stabilized. *

      Rodriguez is crushed. *

      RODRIGUEZ *
      I must ask her just one question. *
      We have... I don't have another *
      choice. Wake her up.

      Dr. Lewis is reticent. He exchanges glances with Dr. Brandt. *
      88.


      RODRIGUEZ (CONT’D) *
      Please, just do it. *

      DR. BRANDT
      Ok.

      Dr. Lewis prepares a syringe.

      Rodriguez holds Enola's hand. *

      Dr. Brandt wakes Enola up.

      RODRIGUEZ *
      Enola, I know its hard, I know. But *
      you can really help me here.

      Enola is barely conscious.

      ENOLA
      It hurts.

      RODRIGUEZ *
      Listen, I'm Agent Rodriguez. *

      Enola keeps her eyes closed.

      ENOLA
      Fuck you FBI...

      Dr. Brandt checks the clock. Dr. Lewis gets ready with a
      sedative.

      RODRIGUEZ *
      You're right, I'm sorry.

      Enola is losing consciousness again. *

      RODRIGUEZ (CONT’D) *
      Please Enola, I need you to focus.
      Please.
      (more resolute) *
      Enola stay with me, you can help me
      here. We know another girl got
      kidnapped tonight. You can help *
      her.

      Enola doesn't react.

      RODRIGUEZ (CONT’D) *
      Enola, Enola. She needs you. Help
      me, Enola, please.

      Enola slowly opens her eyes.
      89.


      RODRIGUEZ (CONT’D) *
      Enola, where is the exchange?

      Enola whispers.

      ENOLA
      Clearwater Airport.
      Genres: ["Thriller","Crime","Drama"]

      Summary Agent Brown becomes frustrated when he doesn't get a response on the phone. Hector hangs up and throws the phone away, while Sean discovers blood stains in the car. Rodriguez rushes to Room 103 to talk to Enola, and despite initial hesitation, Dr. Lewis and Dr. Brandt wake her up. Enola whispers the location of the exchange, Clearwater Airport.
      Strengths
      • Intense and suspenseful atmosphere
      • Shocking plot twist
      • Strong emotional impact
      Weaknesses
      • Limited character development in this specific scene

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly intense and suspenseful, with a major plot twist and emotional impact.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of betrayal and revelation is executed effectively, keeping the audience engaged and surprised.

      Plot: 9

      The plot takes a dramatic turn with the betrayal and revelation, adding depth and complexity to the story.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a kidnapped girl and the involvement of law enforcement is a familiar trope, the specific details and dialogue in this scene add some freshness to the situation. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters' actions and reactions in this scene reveal their true motivations and create tension.

      Character Changes: 9

      The characters undergo significant changes as their true intentions are revealed.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find out the location of the exchange. This reflects their deeper need to save the kidnapped girl and fulfill their duty as an agent.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to wake up Enola and get information about the exchange. This reflects the immediate challenge of finding the location and saving the kidnapped girl.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The conflict between the characters escalates to a shocking climax, creating high tension.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces the challenge of waking up Enola and getting the information they need. The audience doesn't know how it will go and there is a sense of tension.

      High Stakes: 10

      The stakes are raised significantly with the betrayal and revelation, putting the characters' lives and the investigation at risk.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major plot twist and raising the stakes.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how the protagonist will get the information from Enola and what will happen next in their mission to save the kidnapped girl.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 9

      The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' intense reactions and the shocking betrayal.

      Dialogue: 7

      The dialogue is concise and impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and driving the plot forward.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of urgency and suspense. The fast-paced action and dialogue keep the audience hooked and wanting to know what happens next.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast pace and keeping the audience engaged. The quick dialogue and actions create a sense of urgency and suspense.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, character names, and dialogue are properly formatted.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It starts with an establishing shot, introduces the characters and their goals, and progresses with a series of actions and dialogue.


      Critique
      • The scene starts with a phone call from Brown, which immediately sets a tense and urgent tone. However, the dialogue between Brown and Rodriguez feels a bit repetitive and lacks variety. It would be more engaging if they had a more complex conversation, perhaps discussing their suspicions about Aaron and the case in more detail.
      • The reveal that Hector has killed Mike is sudden and violent, which is effective in creating a shocking moment. However, the build-up to this moment feels rushed and lacks tension. It would be more impactful if there were more clues and foreshadowing leading up to the murder, such as Hector's behavior or Sean's growing unease.
      • The dialogue between Sean and Mike in the car is well-written and reveals their complex relationship. However, the scene could benefit from more visual details to help the audience understand the setting and atmosphere. For example, we could see Sean's facial expressions as he realizes his coffee is not decaf, or the rain pouring down on the windshield.
      • The scene with Enola in the hospital is intense and suspenseful, but the dialogue between Rodriguez and the doctors feels a bit forced. It would be more effective if the doctors had more distinct personalities and motivations, which would add to the tension and conflict in the scene.
      • The reveal that Enola knows the location of the exchange is a major plot point, but it feels a bit too convenient. It would be more believable if there were more clues and hints leading up to this moment, such as Enola's behavior or her relationship with the other girls.
      Suggestions
      • To make the phone call between Brown and Rodriguez more engaging, you could add more details about the case and their suspicions about Aaron. For example, Brown could reveal that they found a clue at the scene of the crime that links Aaron to the case, or Rodriguez could share her own theories about what happened.
      • To build tension leading up to the murder, you could show more of Hector's behavior and Sean's growing unease. For example, you could have Hector steal Mike's phone in a flashback, or Sean catch him in the act and confront him about it.
      • To make the scene in the car more visually engaging, you could describe the setting in more detail, such as the rain pouring down on the windshield or the headlights of passing cars reflecting off the pavement. You could also show more of Sean's facial expressions as he realizes his coffee is not decaf, or Mike's body language as he apologizes for the mix-up.
      • To make the scene with Enola more believable, you could add more clues and hints leading up to her reveal. For example, you could have Enola make a cryptic comment about the location of the exchange earlier in the scene, or have her behave differently around the other girls, suggesting that she knows something they don't.
      • To make the scene with Enola more engaging, you could add more complexity to the dialogue between Rodriguez and the doctors. For example, you could have one of the doctors be more skeptical about Enola's claims, or have them argue about the best course of action for treating her.



      Scene 39 -  Tense Moments and Unexpected Stops
      EXT. CLEARWATER AIRPORT - NIGHT

      The Minions are moving things around while Mr. Renzo *
      supervises. *

      He looks at his watch and is not pleased. He makes a call. *
      Nobody answers. *


      INT. HECTOR’s CAR - NIGHT *

      Hector drives while Sean rides in the backseat. *

      SEAN
      What was that? Why you didn’t
      answer? Secrets?

      HECTOR
      Where are they?

      Sean checks the map app on his phone. He can see Glenn’s car *
      is moving towards the airport. *

      SEAN
      They're almost there.

      Hector’s phone receives a message.

      SEAN (CONT’D)
      Busy night? All night you keep
      watching that damn phone... are you
      supposed to be somewhere else?

      Hector doesn't answer.

      SEAN (CONT’D)
      You mother fucker! You have another *
      gig and you didn't tell me!

      Hector stares ahead.

      SEAN (CONT’D)
      Hey, don't screw me man, got it?

      Hector keeps his focus on the road. *
      90.


      SEAN (CONT’D)
      You know... I want a piece of it. *

      HECTOR
      Shut up. You don't know what you’re *
      talking about.

      SEAN
      Whatever it is I'm in.

      HECTOR
      No you are not.

      Hector pulls off the highway onto a side road. Parks the car *
      and gets out.

      SEAN
      Son of a bitch.


      INT. GREY CHEVY - NIGHT

      Glenn drives along the dark road in the middle of the desert.

      The only directions come from the phone and the indication:
      Take Next Right. *

      In the night there are no references, all is black and there
      are no lights, nor signage about a possible intersection.

      Glenn keeps looking behind, too. Sees only two lights, far *
      behind but still there.

      NAVIGATOR (O.S.) *
      In less than a mile, turn left.

      Glenn checks behind him one more time. Those two lights are *
      still there.

      Suddenly a tumbleweed passes in front of the car. Glenn slams *
      on the brakes.

      He hears the Girl bouncing in the back and the loud sound of
      the lug wrench falling from the seat to the floor. *

      GLENN
      Sorry.

      Glenn turns off the music.

      GLENN (O.S.) (CONT’D)
      I said sorry. Are you ok?
      91.


      INT. GREY CHEVY / TRUNK - NIGHT

      Sarah adjusts herself in the trunk. She hesitates then...

      SARAH
      (muffled)
      FUCK!


      INT. GREY CHEVY - NIGHT

      Glenn smiles.

      GLENN
      Ok. Good enough.

      Glenn drives away when a loud honk scares him.

      A red Pontiac with hand made paintings passes by him in the *
      next lane. From inside a young punk flips him the bird. *

      Glenn’s heart slows down while he keeps staring at the
      Pontiac’s tail lights receding in the distance. *

      Then he checks in the rear view mirror. No more following *
      lights.

      Glenn looks all around and in the other mirrors. Still no *
      sign of the following lights. *

      GLENN (CONT’D)
      Jesus!

      He carefully drives forward. *


      EXT. GAS STATION - NIGHT

      Uncle Josh pulls into the gas station and stops at an *
      available pump. He looks over at Jimmy, who is asleep. *

      He gets out of the car and starts to refuel. He looks around, *
      expecting to see something. *

      There is only another car refueling and, from what he can *
      see, a couple of CUSTOMERS inside. *

      Uncle Josh texts Hector: WE ARE HERE.

      In the passenger seat Jimmy wakes up. He stretches then *
      realizes he's got to pee.

      JIMMY *
      Uncle Josh? *
      92.


      UNCLE JOSH *
      What?

      Jimmy gestures that he's got to go to the bathroom.

      UNCLE JOSH (CONT’D)
      Not now.

      JIMMY *
      Please? I gotta go! *

      UNCLE JOSH *
      What the fuck is wrong with you? I
      said not now.

      Jimmy starts crying.

      UNCLE JOSH (CONT’D)
      Fuck, ok. Quick one.

      Uncle Josh finishes pumping the gas, puts the hose back, then *
      closes the gas tank. He walks around the car and takes out *
      Jimmy.

      UNCLE JOSH (CONT’D)
      Come on. Quick.
      Genres: ["Thriller","Crime"]

      Summary In this scene, the Minions are busy at Clearwater Airport under the supervision of Mr. Renzo. Hector and Sean have a tense conversation in the car, with Sean accusing Hector of having another gig. Meanwhile, Glenn drives in the desert, noticing two lights following him and becoming startled by a passing tumbleweed. Uncle Josh and Jimmy arrive at a gas station, where Uncle Josh initially refuses to let Jimmy use the bathroom. However, after Jimmy starts crying, Uncle Josh quickly agrees.
      Strengths
      • Intense tension and suspense
      • Shocking twist
      • Strong character development
      Weaknesses
      • Limited exploration of other characters

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly engaging and intense, with a strong build-up of tension and a shocking twist that leaves a lasting impact on the audience.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of betrayal and confrontation is executed effectively, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats and delivering a surprising turn of events.

      Plot: 9

      The plot is well-developed, with the tension escalating throughout the scene and culminating in a shocking act of violence. The twist adds an unexpected layer to the story.

      Originality: 3

      The level of originality in this scene is low. The situations and dialogue are relatively generic and do not offer any fresh approaches or unique perspectives.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters are well-defined and their motivations and actions drive the tension and conflict in the scene. The betrayal and violent act reveal new dimensions to their personalities.

      Character Changes: 9

      The characters undergo significant changes in this scene, particularly Mike who experiences betrayal and ultimately loses his life. Sean also witnesses the dark side of Hector.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find out why Hector didn't answer his call and to confront him about potentially having another gig without telling him. This reflects the protagonist's need for honesty and trust in their relationship.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find out where 'they' are, referring to the people they are waiting for at the airport. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing, as they need to coordinate their actions with the arrival of the other characters.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 10

      The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving emotional tension, power dynamics, and a shocking act of violence.

      Opposition: 7

      The opposition in this scene is moderate, with the protagonist confronting Hector about potential secrets and hidden agendas. The audience is unsure of how the confrontation will unfold.

      High Stakes: 10

      The stakes are extremely high in this scene, with the characters' lives and alliances hanging in the balance. The violent act raises the stakes even further.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by revealing the true nature of Hector and the consequences of the characters' actions. It sets up the next phase of the narrative.

      Unpredictability: 6

      This scene is somewhat unpredictable because it hints at potential secrets and hidden agendas among the characters, leaving the audience curious about their motivations and actions.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 10

      The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, from tension and suspense to shock and betrayal. The violent act leaves a lasting impact.

      Dialogue: 8

      The dialogue is tense and impactful, effectively conveying the characters' emotions and escalating the conflict. The taunting and threats add to the intensity of the scene.

      Engagement: 7

      This scene is engaging because it introduces tension and conflict between the characters, creating a sense of anticipation for what will happen next.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The short and direct dialogue exchanges contribute to a sense of urgency and anticipation.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, capitalization, and punctuation.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.


      Critique
      • The scene lacks tension and urgency. The dialogue between Sean and Hector feels forced and lacks natural flow. The revelation that Hector has Mike's phone and helps Sean kill him is sudden and unexpected, which could be seen as a plot hole. The blood stains in the car should have been discovered earlier in the scene to build suspense and add to the overall tone of violence and danger.
      • The scene with Glenn and Sarah in the trunk is too short and lacks detail. We don't know why Sarah is in the trunk or what her relationship is with Glenn. The muffled dialogue from Sarah feels disconnected and doesn't add much to the scene.
      • The scene with Uncle Josh and Jimmy at the gas station feels out of place and doesn't contribute much to the overall plot. It could be cut without affecting the story.
      • The scene with Brown and Rodriguez trying to locate Enola feels rushed and lacks detail. We don't know why Enola is important or what her role is in the story. The scene could be expanded to provide more context and build suspense.
      • The scene with Aaron and the police officers feels disconnected from the rest of the story. It could be cut without affecting the plot.
      Suggestions
      • To improve the scene with Sean and Hector, you could add more tension and urgency by having Sean discover the blood stains in the car earlier in the scene. This could lead to a confrontation between Sean and Hector, which would reveal the true nature of their relationship.
      • To improve the scene with Glenn and Sarah, you could add more detail about their relationship and why Sarah is in the trunk. This could add to the overall tone of danger and suspense.
      • To improve the scene with Uncle Josh and Jimmy, you could cut it altogether or expand it to provide more context about Uncle Josh's character and his relationship with Jimmy.
      • To improve the scene with Brown and Rodriguez, you could expand it to provide more context about Enola's role in the story and why she's important. This could add to the overall suspense and build tension as they try to locate her.
      • To improve the scene with Aaron and the police officers, you could cut it altogether or expand it to provide more context about Aaron's character and his relationship with the police officers.



      Scene 40 -  Tense Moments at the Gas Station
      INT. FBI AGENTS' CAR - NIGHT

      Brown drives as fast as he can. They are escorted by three *
      Police cars blasting their sirens.

      Rodriguez’s phone rings. *

      RODRIGUEZ *
      Agent Rodriguez... yes, we’re *
      heading there right now. *
      (to Brown) *
      They don't have any leads on that *
      place.

      BROWN *
      Damn it. Do you trust the girl?

      RODRIGUEZ *
      Yes.

      BROWN *
      Are you sure?

      Rodriguez doesn't need to answer. *
      93.


      BROWN (CONT’D) *
      She might have lied to you. You *
      told me she said 'fuck FBI'... *

      RODRIGUEZ *
      No, she wanted to help her, not us.
      She wanted to help the new girl.

      Brown thinks about it and nods.

      RODRIGUEZ (CONT’D) *
      Ok.
      (into the phone) *
      We are a go. Send local... I don't *
      give a shit who's in charge. We’re *
      in the field. We’re going to the *
      airport.

      Rodriguez hangs up as Brown speeds up. *


      EXT. DESERT SPOT - NIGHT

      Sean sits in the car while Hector waits outside, checking his *
      phone.

      In the distance a car approaches along the highway. *

      Sean follows its movement on the phone.


      INT. GREY CHEVY - NIGHT

      Glenn drives carefully.

      NAVIGATOR (O.S.) *
      In 200 feet, turn left. *

      Glenn sees the place where he is supposed to turn off. It's a
      dirt road. Glenn slowly turns.

      NAVIGATOR (O.S.) (CONT’D) *
      One half mile to your destination. *

      Glenn drives slowly and carefully because of the bumps in the
      dirt road. *

      In front of him is just darkness. *

      Glenn hits a ditch and Sarah bumps around in the trunk. The *
      lug wrench rattles on the floor of the passenger seat. *

      Glenn checks the rear view mirror. No lights. *
      94.


      GLENN
      Nobody? Where... for God’s sake! *


      EXT. DESERT SPOT - NIGHT

      Sean and Hector see Glenn’s headlights approaching. *

      SEAN
      Here they come. *

      Sean turns on the headlights and gets out of the car. *


      INT. GAS STATION - NIGHT *

      Jimmy walks out of the bathroom and respectfully avoids the *
      “Wet Floor” sign. He ventures along a small hallway lined *
      with junk food.

      Jimmy picks up some snacks and keeps exploring. *

      Selena cleans another part of the floor nearby. She watches *
      Jimmy and smiles. *

      Uncle Josh steps out of the bathroom and slides on the wet *
      floor.

      SELENA
      (in Spanish) *
      Hey, watch your step, I just
      cleaned there.

      Uncle Josh looks around, searching for Jimmy. *

      Selena glares at Uncle Josh and goes back to clean the floor *
      where he stepped. *

      Suddenly police SIRENS wail in the distance outside. Uncle *
      Josh rushes to the window. Sees two police cars zoom by. He *
      takes a deep breath. *

      Selena witnesses all of this. *

      Uncle Josh notices how she looks at him and tries to pretend *
      that nothing happened. He resumes searching for Jimmy. *

      On the wall right in front of Selena, there is a poster about *
      a lost girl, maybe kidnapped, from a few months before.

      The sign is also translated into Spanish and says "See *
      something, say something."

      Selena starts keeping an eye on Uncle Josh wherever he goes. *
      95.


      Another WAILING police car whizzes by, creating another scary *
      moment for Uncle Josh.

      GAS STATION CASHIER (O.C.)
      Are you going to pay for those?

      Selena sees Jimmy at the counter with his junk food, looking *
      up at the Cashier innocently. *

      Uncle Josh is on the opposite side of the gas station.

      He rushes to the Cashier but Selena beats him there. *

      GAS STATION CASHIER (CONT’D)
      (to Uncle Josh) *
      Hey, is this your kid? You gonna *
      pay for his stuff? *

      Uncle Josh freezes. *

      Selena looks down and smiles at Jimmy. *

      SELENA
      (in Spanish)
      Are you ok? Do you want these
      candies?

      Jimmy doesn't speak. Selena kneels down.

      SELENA (CONT’D)
      (in Spanish)
      Do you understand?

      Uncle Josh starts out of the store. Jimmy looks up at him. *

      GAS STATION CASHIER *
      Hey, don't think for a second I'll *
      let you go without paying for this *
      stuff! *

      Uncle Josh doesn’t stop. He rushes to his car. *

      Jimmy drops the goodies and runs out the door. *

      The Gas Station Cashier freezes, looks at the envelope that *
      is under the cash register and watches the clock. 3.30am. *
      Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

      Summary In this scene, Brown and Rodriguez discuss their mission and the trustworthiness of a girl while driving in an FBI agents' car. Meanwhile, Glenn drives carefully on a dirt road, and Sean and Hector wait for him. At a gas station, Jimmy explores while Selena watches him closely. Tension arises when the gas station cashier questions Uncle Josh about paying for Jimmy's snacks. The scene ends with Uncle Josh rushing to his car and Jimmy running out of the store.
      Strengths
      • Building tension and suspense
      • Effective use of conflicts
      • Engaging concept
      Weaknesses
      • Some dialogue could be more impactful

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly effective in creating tension and suspense, with the stakes raised through the introduction of multiple conflicts and the imminent danger faced by the characters.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of a high-stakes encounter in a remote desert location is engaging and adds to the tension and suspense of the scene.

      Plot: 9

      The plot of the scene is well-structured and effectively builds tension and suspense, with the introduction of conflicts and the imminent danger faced by the characters.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the car chase and the tension between the FBI agents and the gas station cashier are familiar elements, the use of Spanish language and the presence of the lost girl poster add some freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters in the scene are well-defined and their actions and dialogue contribute to the tension and suspense. The conflict between Sean and Hector adds depth to their interactions.

      Character Changes: 7

      While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the tension and conflict contribute to the characters' development and reveal their true motivations.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to trust the girl and believe in her intentions to help the new girl. This reflects the protagonist's need for trust and the fear of being deceived.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to go to the airport and apprehend someone. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing in their mission.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The scene is filled with conflicts, both internal and external, which contribute to the tension and suspense. The conflict between Sean and Hector, as well as the conflict between the characters and their dangerous situation, raise the stakes.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges and obstacles in their mission, such as the doubt about the girl's intentions and the presence of the police cars.

      High Stakes: 10

      The stakes are extremely high in this scene, with the characters facing imminent danger and the potential for betrayal.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by raising the stakes and providing crucial information about the location of the exchange.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and decisions of the characters, such as the protagonist's doubt about the girl's intentions and the sudden appearance of the police cars.

      Philosophical Conflict: 7

      There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between trust and suspicion. The protagonist's belief in the girl's intentions to help the new girl is challenged by the possibility of her lying to them. This conflict challenges the protagonist's values and worldview.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 8

      The scene evokes fear and tension in the audience, as they are invested in the characters' safety and the outcome of the encounter.

      Dialogue: 7

      The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the tension and suspense, with characters expressing their fears and suspicions. However, there are some moments where the dialogue could be more impactful.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because of the fast-paced car chase, the tension between the characters, and the suspenseful moments.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and keeping the audience engaged.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper indentation, capitalization, and punctuation.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue.


      Critique
      • The scene between Sean and Hector in the car is tense and suspenseful, but it lacks clarity about the nature of Hector's secretive behavior. Sean's accusation that Hector has another gig feels abrupt and unexplained. The audience is left wondering what exactly Sean is accusing Hector of. This lack of clarity creates confusion and detracts from the tension in the scene.
      • The dialogue between Brown and Rodriguez in the FBI agents' car is intense and action-packed, but it feels disconnected from the rest of the story. The audience is not given enough context about the situation at the airport to fully understand the urgency of Brown and Rodriguez's mission. This disconnect makes it difficult for the audience to fully invest in the scene and understand its significance.
      • The scene at the gas station with Uncle Josh and Jimmy is well-written and adds a layer of suspense to the story, but it feels disconnected from the rest of the plot. The audience is not given enough context about Uncle Josh's relationship with Jimmy or why he is trying to avoid Selena. This lack of context makes it difficult for the audience to fully understand the significance of the scene and its connection to the rest of the story.
      • The scene with Glenn driving in the desert is suspenseful and well-written, but it lacks a clear sense of purpose. The audience is not given enough context about why Glenn is driving in the desert or what he hopes to find. This lack of context makes it difficult for the audience to fully understand the significance of the scene and its connection to the rest of the story.
      • Overall, the scenes in this section are tense and suspenseful, but they lack clarity and context. This lack of clarity and context makes it difficult for the audience to fully understand the significance of these scenes and their connection to the rest of the story.
      Suggestions
      • To improve the scene between Sean and Hector, the writer could provide more context about Hector's secretive behavior. This could be done through a flashback or a conversation between Sean and another character who has more information about Hector's activities.
      • To improve the scene between Brown and Rodriguez, the writer could provide more context about the situation at the airport. This could be done through a conversation between Brown and another character who has more information about the situation at the airport.
      • To improve the scene at the gas station with Uncle Josh and Jimmy, the writer could provide more context about Uncle Josh's relationship with Jimmy and why he is trying to avoid Selena. This could be done through a conversation between Uncle Josh and another character who has more information about Jimmy and Selena.
      • To improve the scene with Glenn driving in the desert, the writer could provide more context about why Glenn is driving in the desert and what he hopes to find. This could be done through a conversation between Glenn and another character who has more information about the situation in the desert.
      • To improve the overall clarity and context of these scenes, the writer could consider adding more scenes that provide context and clarify the relationships between the characters. This could help the audience better understand the significance of these scenes and their connection to the rest of the story.



      Scene 41 -  Confrontation at the Gas Station
      EXT. GAS STATION - NIGHT *

      Uncle Josh starts up his car and pulls out, leaving a trail *
      of dust and gravel. *
      96.


      Jimmy sadly watches him go. Selena comes out and kneels down *
      next to him. *

      SELENA *
      (in Spanish)
      Was that your father? *

      Jimmy doesn't answer but is clearly scared.

      Inside, the Gas Station Cashier picks up his cell phone and *
      sends a text.

      Jimmy starts to cry. *

      SELENA (CONT’D) *
      Was that your father? *

      Jimmy doesn't speak, but after a few seconds shakes his head. *

      SELENA (CONT’D) *
      You can talk to me, ok? Where is
      your father?

      Jimmy shakes his head again.

      Selena looks inside at the Gas Station Cashier. He’s still *
      frantically texting while keeping an eye on the boy and
      Selena. *

      The two of them exchanges glances. The Gas Station Cashier *
      freezes for a second. Then slowly slashes his hand across his *
      throat. *

      GAS STATION CASHIER *
      (exaggerating the word)
      I M M I G R A T I O N.

      SELENA *
      (under her breath)
      Hijo de puta.

      She dries Jimmy’s tears. Then stands and she looks back at *
      the Gas Station Cashier. *

      SELENA (CONT’D)
      (yelling) *
      I'm third generation American,
      asshole!

      She flips him the bird, takes out her phone, and with the
      same finger dials 911.

      Selena kneels down and gives Jimmy his package of cookies. *
      97.


      Jimmy smiles and takes it.

      SELENA (CONT’D) *
      You'll be ok. Everything is fine.
      Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

      Summary Uncle Josh leaves the gas station while Jimmy watches. Selena comforts Jimmy as he cries. The Gas Station Cashier sends a threatening text message. Selena stands up to him and calls the police. Selena gives Jimmy a package of cookies, reassuring him that everything will be okay.
      Strengths
      • Intense tension
      • Strong emotional impact
      • Exploration of social themes
      Weaknesses
      • Possible lack of clarity in the Gas Station Cashier's motivations

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly intense and gripping, with strong emotional impact and high stakes. It effectively moves the story forward and showcases the characters' conflicts and changes.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of a gas station standoff involving immigration and American identity is unique and engaging. It adds depth to the plot and explores relevant social themes.

      Plot: 9

      The plot is fast-paced and filled with tension. The gas station standoff adds a significant turning point to the story and raises the stakes for the characters.

      Originality: 7

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of facing discrimination and taking a stand is familiar, the specific actions and dialogue of the characters bring a fresh approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters are well-developed and their emotions and motivations are clearly portrayed. Selena's defiance and the Gas Station Cashier's hostility create compelling conflict.

      Character Changes: 8

      Selena's character undergoes a change as she stands up against the Gas Station Cashier's xenophobic comment and asserts her American identity.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to comfort and reassure Jimmy, who is scared and upset. This reflects Selena's deeper desire to protect and care for others.

      External Goal: 7

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to stand up against the Gas Station Cashier's derogatory comment and take action by calling 911. This reflects the immediate challenge of facing discrimination and injustice.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The conflict between Selena and the Gas Station Cashier is intense and filled with tension. It raises the stakes and keeps the audience engaged.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong as Selena faces the discriminatory attitude of the Gas Station Cashier. The audience doesn't know how the situation will unfold and whether Selena will succeed in standing up against him.

      High Stakes: 9

      The stakes are high in the scene as Selena confronts the Gas Station Cashier's xenophobia and potentially risks her safety and the safety of Jimmy.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and raising the stakes for the characters.

      Unpredictability: 8

      This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how Selena will respond to the Gas Station Cashier's comment and what actions she will take. The unexpected gesture of flipping him the bird adds to the unpredictability.

      Philosophical Conflict: 9

      Yes, there is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene. The conflict is between Selena's belief in equality and the Gas Station Cashier's discriminatory attitude. This challenges Selena's values and worldview.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 9

      The scene evokes strong emotions, including fear, anger, and defiance. The audience is deeply invested in the characters' struggles and the outcome of the standoff.

      Dialogue: 8

      The dialogue is impactful and reveals the characters' emotions and beliefs. Selena's defiant response to the Gas Station Cashier's xenophobic comment is particularly memorable.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it presents a conflict and raises questions about the characters' motivations and actions. The emotional intensity and the desire to see justice prevail keep the audience engaged.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by creating a sense of urgency and building tension. The short and impactful dialogue exchanges and the quick actions maintain a fast pace.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It is properly formatted with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue.

      Structure: 9

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It effectively establishes the setting, introduces the characters, and builds tension.


      Critique
      • The scene starts with Uncle Josh leaving, which creates tension and raises questions about where he's going. However, the scene could benefit from more context about Uncle Josh's relationship with Jimmy and why he's leaving suddenly. This would help the audience understand the emotional impact of his departure.
      • Selena's interaction with Jimmy is touching, but it could be more impactful if we had more backstory about their relationship. We don't know how they met or why Selena is helping Jimmy, which makes it harder to connect emotionally with the scene.
      • The Gas Station Cashier's reaction to Selena is over-the-top and feels unrealistic. His sudden outburst and exaggerated gesture don't fit with the tone of the scene, which is tense but not violent. This could be toned down to make it more believable.
      • The scene ends with Selena reassuring Jimmy, but it's unclear what happens next. We don't know if the police arrive or if Selena is able to help Jimmy find his father. This creates a sense of ambiguity that could be resolved with a clearer resolution.
      • The scene also raises questions about the Gas Station Cashier's behavior. His sudden texting and furtive glances suggest that he's involved in something sinister, but we don't know what. This could be explored further to add more depth to the scene and create more tension.
      Suggestions
      • To add more context about Uncle Josh's departure, you could consider adding a flashback or a conversation between Uncle Josh and Jimmy earlier in the scene. This would help the audience understand why Uncle Josh is leaving and how it affects Jimmy.
      • To make Selena's relationship with Jimmy more impactful, you could consider adding a flashback or a conversation between Selena and Jimmy earlier in the scene. This would help the audience understand how they met and why Selena is helping Jimmy.
      • To make the Gas Station Cashier's reaction more believable, you could consider toning down his outburst and making it more subtle. For example, he could simply ignore Selena and Jimmy or give them a suspicious look.
      • To resolve the ambiguity at the end of the scene, you could consider adding a scene where the police arrive and take Jimmy into custody. This would provide closure and help the audience understand what happens next.
      • To explore the Gas Station Cashier's behavior further, you could consider adding a scene where he's revealed to be working with Hector or another villain. This would add more depth to the scene and create more tension.



      Scene 42 -  Tense Encounter in the Desert
      INT. GREY CHEVY - NIGHT

      Glenn takes a deep breath. Pulls out his flask and takes a *
      long drink. He drives carefully along the bumpy dirt road. *

      He starts to take another hit from the flask. Hesitates. *
      Looks at it. *

      Then he lowers his window and throws the flask away.

      The desert night air is refreshing. He breathes it all in. *

      Then he glances back at the trunk in his rear view mirror. *


      EXT. DESERT SPOT - NIGHT

      Hector and Sean check their guns while keeping an eye on the *
      two approaching lights.

      Suddenly the lights disappear. *

      HECTOR
      What the fuck?

      Sean reaches inside the car and grabs his phone. He checks *
      the tracker app. Glenn’s car is still moving. *

      The two lights reappear, still moving towards them. *

      HECTOR (CONT’D)
      Damn. *

      SEAN *
      Must’ve hit a ditch or-- *

      HECTOR
      Doesn't matter, let's be quick. I
      don't like it already.

      SEAN
      Calm down, it's almost over, if-- *

      HECTOR
      Shut up! You talk too much!
      98.


      SEAN
      Hey, fuck you! Is that short enough *
      for you?


      INT. GREY CHEVY - NIGHT *

      Glenn is sweating and his heart runs like a train. He can *
      clearly see Sean and Hector now. *

      He parks the grey Chevy right in front of them. *

      Glenn stays in the car. Just stares at them. Keeps the engine *
      idling. *

      SEAN
      Hello Glenn, glad you made it. Come
      out, I have your money. *

      Glenn takes a deep breath.

      He glances back towards the trunk.


      INT.. GREY CHEVY / TRUNK - NIGHT

      Sarah's senses are alert. She is tense and focused.

      SEAN (O.S.)
      My friend Hector here is very
      sensitive. I told him we can trust
      you. Don't make me regret it, *
      Glenn.

      GLENN (O.S.)
      (yelling)
      AHHHHHHHH!

      Suddenly the car accelerates, and Sarah is shaken about the *
      trunk. *

      Bang. Bang. Bang. At every shot Sarah jolts. *

      The car slows down to a stop.

      SEAN (O.S.)
      What an idiot!

      HECTOR (O.S.)
      Who cares? He was dead the minute *
      he accepted the job.

      SEAN (O.S.)
      But-- *
      99.


      HECTOR (O.S.)
      Shut up and let's go!

      SEAN (O.S.)
      One last thing.

      The trunk opens and the lights coming from Hector’s car blind *
      Sarah for a moment. *

      SEAN (CONT’D)
      Hello, how are you? Don't you
      worry, it's almost over.

      HECTOR (O.S.)
      Let's go. *

      SEAN
      Just a sec.

      Sean unzip his pants and takes out his dick.

      HECTOR (O.S.)
      What the fuck are you doing?

      SEAN
      My little tradition. Remember, I *
      brand her first.

      HECTOR (O.S.)
      Moron.

      Sean lean forward to start peeing on Sarah. He doesn’t notice *
      that Sarah’s hands and feet are no longer bound, and her gag *
      is off. *

      Suddenly Sarah reaches for Sean's open pants with her left *
      hand and pulls it towards her. With the right hand she slams *
      the trunk shut.
      Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

      Summary Glenn drives along a bumpy dirt road, closely followed by Hector and Sean. Concern arises when Glenn's car disappears and reappears. Eventually, Glenn parks in front of Hector and Sean. Sarah, who is in the trunk, is tense and focused. Suddenly, Glenn accelerates the car, causing Sarah to jolt with every shot fired. The car eventually stops, and Sean and Hector discuss Glenn's fate. When the trunk opens, blinding Sarah with the lights, Sean begins to pee on her. However, Sarah takes advantage of her freedom and slams the trunk shut, ending the scene.
      Strengths
      • Tension-building
      • Sharp dialogue
      • Unexpected twist
      Weaknesses
      • Limited character development

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly engaging and intense, with a well-executed twist that adds to the suspense. The dialogue is sharp and impactful, and the action sequences are well-paced.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of a dangerous exchange in the desert is intriguing and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The twist involving Sarah's escape adds an unexpected element to the scene.

      Plot: 9

      The plot of the scene revolves around the exchange and the characters' reactions to unexpected events. It is well-structured and keeps the audience engaged.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a criminal meeting in a desert is familiar, the specific actions and reactions of the characters, such as Glenn throwing away his flask and Sarah taking control of the situation, add a fresh approach to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters in the scene are well-developed and their motivations and actions are clear. The tension between Sean and Hector adds depth to their dynamic.

      Character Changes: 7

      While there is not significant character development in this particular scene, the twist involving Sarah's escape reveals new information about the characters and their true nature.

      Internal Goal: 8

      Glenn's internal goal in this scene is to survive and protect Sarah. This reflects his deeper need for redemption and his fear of failing to protect those he cares about.

      External Goal: 7

      Glenn's external goal in this scene is to deliver the money to Sean and Hector. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing as a criminal involved in a dangerous situation.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external. The characters' conflicting motivations and the high-stakes situation create a sense of tension and suspense.

      Opposition: 9

      The opposition in this scene is strong, as Glenn is faced with the threat of Sean and Hector, who are armed and potentially dangerous. The audience doesn't know how Glenn will overcome this opposition.

      High Stakes: 10

      The stakes in the scene are extremely high, as the characters' lives are at risk and the outcome of the exchange has significant consequences. The tension and suspense are heightened by the high stakes.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by resolving the exchange and setting up new conflicts and challenges for the characters. It reveals important information and raises the stakes.

      Unpredictability: 8

      This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected actions and reactions from the characters, such as Glenn throwing away his flask and Sarah taking control of the situation.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 8

      The scene elicits strong emotions from the audience, particularly through the shocking twist involving Sarah's escape. The characters' reactions and the intense atmosphere contribute to the emotional impact.

      Dialogue: 9

      The dialogue in the scene is sharp, impactful, and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships. It effectively conveys the tension and suspense of the situation.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of tension and suspense through the characters' actions and reactions. The reader is invested in Glenn's survival and Sarah's escape.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense through the characters' actions and reactions. The rhythm of the scene keeps the reader engaged and invested in the outcome.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the characters, builds tension, and ends with a cliffhanger moment.


      Critique
      • The scene starts with Glenn taking a deep breath and drinking from his flask, which sets a tense and ominous tone. However, the scene could benefit from more context about Glenn's situation and why he's driving so carefully. This would help the audience understand his character and motivations better.
      • The dialogue between Sean and Hector is brief and to the point, but it lacks depth and nuance. The audience doesn't get a clear sense of their relationship or why Sean is so nervous. This could be addressed by adding more backstory or subtext to their conversation.
      • The scene with Sarah in the trunk is intense and suspenseful, but it's unclear why Sarah is being held captive and what her role in the story is. This could be clarified by adding more exposition or dialogue between Sean and Hector about Sarah's background and why they're targeting her.
      • The scene could also benefit from more visual details to help the audience understand the setting and atmosphere. For example, the sound of the engine idling and the headlights of Sean and Hector's cars could be described more vividly to create a more immersive experience.
      • The ending of the scene is abrupt and unsatisfying. The audience doesn't get a clear sense of what happens to Sarah or whether she's able to escape. This could be addressed by adding a more conclusive ending that ties up loose ends and resolves the tension in the scene.
      Suggestions
      • Consider adding a flashback or dream sequence to provide more context about Glenn's situation and why he's driving so carefully.
      • Explore Sean's backstory and motivations in more detail to make his character more complex and interesting.
      • Provide more exposition about Sarah's background and why she's being held captive to give the audience a better understanding of her role in the story.
      • Use more descriptive language to create a more immersive and atmospheric experience for the audience.
      • Provide a more conclusive ending that ties up loose ends and resolves the tension in the scene.



      Scene 43 -  Deadly Confrontation in the Desert
      EXT. DESERT SPOT - NIGHT

      Sean's screaming echoes through the desert night.

      HECTOR
      What?

      Sean falls back onto a cactus. *

      SEAN
      Ahhh, fuck!
      100.


      HECTOR
      (amused)
      What the fuck? What happened? *

      Hector saunters over to Sean. *

      Sean turns, holding his crotch in pain. Hector sees the blood *
      on his dick and pants. *

      HECTOR (CONT’D)
      What the fuck?

      SEAN
      B-Bitch! THE BITCH!

      Hector turns and points his gun towards the trunk. *

      But Sarah is already right in front of him! She tries to hit *
      his head with the lug wrench. He quickly dodges but she *
      manages to hit his hand, forcing him to drop the gun. *

      Hector screams. His right hand is now bloody and visibly *
      broken.

      Sarah keeps swinging the lug wrench maniacally to keep Hector *
      at distance. She tries to keep an eye on both him and Sean, *
      visibly limping and shaking her sore leg to no use. *

      Sean, in terrible pain, keeps screaming.

      SEAN (CONT’D)
      Bitch, I'll kill you bitch, I'll
      kill you!

      Hector looks at Sarah than at Sean. He notices that Sean's
      gun is just a few feet away. He then focuses on Sarah.

      HECTOR
      Hey, calm down ok? Ok? Everything’s *
      fine, I'm a Federal Agent. FBI. For *
      real.

      Sarah processes the new information.

      HECTOR (CONT’D)
      I have my badge here, in my jacket. *
      Ok? Let me show you.

      Sarah still holds the lug wrench up high to keep him at *
      distance.

      Hector, taking small steps, moves closer to Sean's gun while *
      slowly reaching inside his pocket. *
      101.


      He takes out his trophy FBI badge. Opens it. *

      HECTOR (CONT’D)
      See, I'm Agent Sorenson. I've been *
      under cover for six months. *

      Sarah is still uncertain. She points down at her feet. *

      SARAH
      Here!

      Hector throws the badge at Sarah's feet.

      Sarah hesitates.

      HECTOR
      What's your name?

      Sarah keeps staring at Hector. She finally lowers the lug *
      wrench and her gaze to reach for the badge. *

      Hector waits for that moment of distraction. Dives for Sean's *
      gun.

      It's the last thing he will ever do. Sarah is faster and *
      swings the lug wrench through his face. *

      Sarah can finally breathe. She looks back at the car and sees *
      Glenn’s body, with three holes in his chest.

      BEGINN FLASHBACK *


      I/E. GREY CHEVY - NIGHT

      Glenn drives along the dirt road. *

      The map on the phone indicates 1/4 of a mile away from their
      destination.

      He can see the lights of the other car.

      Suddenly he stops the car and turns off the lights.

      He rushes out of the car, open the trunk and frees Sarah’s *
      hands and legs with his pocket knife, then removes her gag. *

      GLENN
      I have a plan, but if it doesn't
      work... you fight, you fight!

      Glenn gives her the lug wrench and the knife. *
      102.


      Without giving Sarah time to answer, Glenn slams the trunk *
      shut and jumps back into the car.

      He hits the accelerator then turns on the lights. *

      END FLASHBACK
      Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

      Summary In this intense and suspenseful scene set in the desert at night, Sean falls onto a cactus, causing him immense pain. Hector, amused by Sean's suffering, approaches him and notices blood on Sean's crotch and pants. Sarah, determined to protect herself and Sean, tries to hit Hector with a lug wrench but only manages to strike his hand, causing him to drop his gun. Hector reveals himself as a Federal Agent, showing Sarah his FBI badge. Sarah hesitates but eventually lowers the lug wrench. However, Hector tries to distract her and reach for Sean's gun. In a swift and decisive move, Sarah swings the lug wrench, killing Hector. As the scene concludes, Sarah discovers Glenn's lifeless body in the car, triggering a flashback to when Glenn had freed her from the trunk and given her the lug wrench and knife.
      Strengths
      • Intense action
      • Suspenseful atmosphere
      • Strong character development
      Weaknesses
      • Limited exploration of theme

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly engaging and filled with tension, showcasing a thrilling confrontation between the characters. The action and suspense keep the audience on the edge of their seats.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of the scene, a showdown in the desert, is well-executed and adds excitement to the story. The use of the desert setting creates a unique atmosphere and enhances the tension.

      Plot: 9

      The plot of the scene is gripping and propels the story forward. The confrontation between the characters adds a significant turning point to the narrative.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a protagonist defending themselves against an antagonist is familiar, the specific actions and dialogue of the characters add some freshness to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue is believable.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters in the scene are well-developed and their motivations and actions are clear. The protagonist's determination and the antagonist's desperation create compelling conflict.

      Character Changes: 8

      The characters undergo significant changes in the scene. The protagonist becomes more determined and resourceful, while the antagonist experiences desperation and defeat.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to survive and protect themselves. This reflects their deeper need for safety and their fear of being harmed.

      External Goal: 9

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to defend themselves against the antagonist and escape the dangerous situation they are in. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 10

      The conflict in the scene is intense and drives the action forward. The physical confrontation between the characters raises the stakes and creates suspense.

      Opposition: 9

      The opposition in this scene is strong, as the protagonist faces a dangerous and physically capable antagonist. The audience is unsure of how the conflict will unfold.

      High Stakes: 10

      The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with the characters' lives on the line. The intense action and suspense amplify the sense of danger.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene moves the story forward by resolving a major conflict and setting up the final act. It reveals important information and raises the stakes for the climax.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it includes unexpected actions and twists, such as Sarah swinging the lug wrench through Hector's face. The audience is kept guessing about the outcome of the conflict.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 8

      The scene elicits strong emotions from the audience, particularly fear and tension. The characters' desperation and the high stakes contribute to the emotional impact.

      Dialogue: 8

      The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations. The tense exchanges between the characters add depth to the scene.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it presents a high-stakes situation and keeps the audience on the edge of their seats. The intense action and dialogue create a sense of suspense and urgency.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and intense rhythm. The action and dialogue are well-paced, keeping the audience engaged.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. The scene headings, action lines, and dialogue are properly formatted.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It effectively establishes the setting, introduces the conflict, and builds tension.


      Critique
      • The scene starts with Sean's screaming, which immediately grabs the audience's attention. However, the scene could benefit from more context to help the audience understand what's happening. It's unclear who Sean is or why he's screaming. This lack of clarity could lead to confusion and disengagement from the audience.
      • The introduction of Sarah as a captive in the trunk adds a layer of tension to the scene. However, the audience doesn't have enough information about Sarah's situation or why she's being held captive. This lack of clarity could make it difficult for the audience to fully invest in Sarah's plight.
      • Hector's reaction to Sarah's attack is believable, but his quick recovery from a broken hand seems unrealistic. This could strain the audience's suspension of disbelief and take them out of the scene.
      • The introduction of Glenn's plan could add a sense of urgency and excitement to the scene, but it's unclear how Glenn came up with this plan or why it's necessary. This lack of clarity could make it difficult for the audience to fully understand the stakes of the situation.
      • The scene ends with Sarah's escape, but it's unclear what happens to Glenn and the other characters. This lack of closure could leave the audience feeling unsatisfied and confused.
      Suggestions
      • To clarify Sean's situation, you could add a line or two of dialogue from Hector or Sean that explains why Sean is screaming. This could help the audience understand the context of the scene and invest in Sean's plight.
      • To clarify Sarah's situation, you could add a line or two of dialogue from Glenn or Sarah that explains why she's being held captive. This could help the audience understand the stakes of the situation and invest in Sarah's plight.
      • To make Hector's broken hand more believable, you could have him scream in pain or clutch his hand in agony after Sarah hits him. This could help the audience understand the severity of his injury and make his quick recovery more believable.
      • To clarify Glenn's plan, you could have him explain his reasoning to Sarah before he frees her. This could help the audience understand the stakes of the situation and invest in Sarah's plight.
      • To provide closure to the scene, you could have Glenn's fate revealed in the next scene or in a line of dialogue from one of the other characters. This could help the audience understand what happens to Glenn and provide a sense of closure to the scene.



      Scene 44 -  Race Against Time
      EXT. DESERT SPOT - NIGHT

      The lights of police cars are visible in the distance but *
      most definitely moving away from them. *

      Sarah limps as fast as she can towards the grey Chevy. *
      Glenn's soaked in his own blood, but he is still breathing. *

      She pushes his body over to the passenger seat and forces *
      herself into the driver position.

      The lights are getting closer and closer.

      Without turning on the headlights she carefully drives away, *
      trying to avoid rocks and bushes.

      It's not easy to drive in the darkness. *

      The other car is almost at the spot where they were.

      Finally she reaches the paved road. She turns on the
      headlights and speeds away. *


      I/E. GREY CHEVY - MORNING

      Sarah drives as fast as she can, keeping an eye on the rear *
      view mirror.

      She heads towards city lights in the distance. *

      Sarah passes several cars but she doesn't slow down until she *
      sees a Sheriff’s car coming her way. *

      She starts flashing her head lights continually, until the *
      Sheriff’s car turns on its strobe lights. *

      When they are close enough she slams on the brakes, puts it *
      in Park and jumps out of the car, waving her arms and *
      screaming with what little voice she still has. *

      SARAH
      Help! Help!

      Everything gets confused and unfocused.
      103.


      Sarah falls to the ground. Sheriff Donald emerges from his *
      car and runs over to her. *

      SHERIFF DONALD
      What's going on? What's your name? *

      SARAH
      S-Sarah, my name is Sarah Milo.

      SHERIFF DONALD
      What happened?

      Sarah points at the grey Chevy. *

      SARAH
      Please save him, save him.

      Sheriff Donald looks at the car and sees the wounded Glenn *
      behind the broken windshield. He rushes back to his car, *
      pulls out his radio and starts calling for an ambulance. *

      Sarah takes a deep breath. In the distance the sun rises on a *
      new day.

      FADE TO BLACK.
      Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

      Summary Sarah, limping towards the grey Chevy, finds Glenn soaked in his own blood but still breathing. She quickly pushes his body into the passenger seat and drives away without headlights, carefully navigating the darkness. As she reaches the paved road and turns on the headlights, Sarah speeds towards city lights, passing several cars. Flashing her headlights at a Sheriff's car, she causes it to turn on its strobe lights. Sarah abruptly stops, jumps out of the car, and screams for help. Sheriff Donald arrives and calls for an ambulance upon seeing Glenn's injuries, resolving the conflict. The scene ends with Sarah taking a deep breath as the sun rises on a new day.
      Strengths
      • Intense and suspenseful atmosphere
      • Strong character development
      • High-stakes and gripping plot
      Weaknesses
      • Dialogue could be more memorable

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly intense and suspenseful, with a strong emotional impact and significant character changes. The stakes are high, and the plot moves forward effectively.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of a desperate escape in the desert is engaging and well-executed. The scene effectively builds tension and showcases the characters' resourcefulness.

      Plot: 9

      The plot is gripping and fast-paced, with a clear objective of saving Glenn's life. The scene advances the overall story and raises the stakes for the characters.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the situation of a protagonist trying to save someone's life is familiar, the specific actions and details in the scene add authenticity. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel realistic and contribute to the tension of the scene.


      Character Development

      Characters: 9

      The characters' actions and decisions in this scene reveal their bravery, determination, and loyalty. Sarah's transformation from a captive to a courageous rescuer is particularly impactful.

      Character Changes: 9

      Sarah undergoes a significant character change, transitioning from a captive to a brave and resourceful rescuer. This transformation is pivotal to the scene's impact.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to save Glenn's life. This reflects her deeper need to protect and care for those she loves.

      External Goal: 9

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to get help for Glenn by flagging down the Sheriff's car. This reflects the immediate challenge of finding assistance in a life-threatening situation.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 9

      The conflict in this scene is intense and multi-layered. There is external conflict with law enforcement closing in, as well as internal conflict as the characters make life-or-death decisions.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces the challenge of getting help in a life-threatening situation. The audience doesn't know if she will succeed or if Glenn's life will be saved.

      High Stakes: 10

      The stakes are incredibly high in this scene, as Sarah risks her life to save Glenn and evade law enforcement. The urgency and danger create a sense of constant tension.

      Story Forward: 9

      The scene propels the story forward by resolving the immediate conflict and setting up new challenges for the characters. It also deepens the audience's investment in the outcome.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know if the protagonist will successfully flag down the Sheriff's car and get help in time.

      Philosophical Conflict: 0

      There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 9

      The scene evokes fear, hope, and empathy for the characters' plight. Sarah's determination and Glenn's vulnerability create a strong emotional connection with the audience.

      Dialogue: 7

      The dialogue effectively conveys the urgency and desperation of the situation. While there are no standout lines, the characters' interactions feel authentic and heighten the tension.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it presents a life-threatening situation and keeps the audience invested in the protagonist's actions and the outcome for Glenn.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension. The concise and action-driven narrative description keeps the scene moving at a fast pace.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It uses scene headings, action lines, and dialogue in a clear and organized manner.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It establishes the setting, introduces the conflict, and resolves it with the arrival of the Sheriff.


      Critique
      • The scene starts with a strong visual element as Sarah limps towards the car, but it would be more impactful if we had a clearer understanding of where they are and what has happened to Sarah. Perhaps we could add a flashback or a voiceover to provide some context.
      • The dialogue between Sarah and Glenn is minimal, which leaves us with little insight into their relationship or motivations. We need to develop their characters more to make their actions in the following scenes more meaningful.
      • The scene lacks tension and suspense, as the police cars seem to be moving away from them rather than chasing them. We need to create a sense of urgency and danger to keep the audience engaged.
      • The scene ends abruptly with Sarah driving away, but we don't know where she's going or what her plan is. We need to provide more information to give the audience a clearer understanding of Sarah's goals and intentions.
      • The scene could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience in the setting and create a more visceral experience. We could describe the smell of the desert air, the sound of the cacti crunching under Sarah's feet, or the feel of the sand in her shoes.
      Suggestions
      • To add context, we could include a flashback of Sarah being kidnapped and Glenn rescuing her. This would explain why Sarah is with Glenn and why she's so determined to save him.
      • To develop their characters, we could add some backstory or dialogue that reveals their motivations and relationship. For example, Glenn could tell Sarah about his daughter and why he's risking his life to help her, or Sarah could share her own story of survival and resilience.
      • To create tension and danger, we could have the police cars suddenly turn around and start chasing Sarah and Glenn. This would add a sense of urgency and make the audience more invested in their survival.
      • To provide more information about Sarah's goals and intentions, we could have her explain her plan to Glenn or reveal it in a voiceover. This would give the audience a clearer understanding of what's at stake and why Sarah is willing to risk everything to save Glenn.
      • To immerse the audience in the setting, we could describe the sights, sounds, and smells of the desert in more detail. For example, we could describe the way the sand shifts under Sarah's feet, the way the stars twinkle in the sky, or the way the wind carries the scent of sagebrush.



      Scene 45 -  Narrow Escape
      EXT. AIRPORT - NIGHT *

      The small airplane with the engines running sits parked near *
      a small building.

      The PILOT (45) stands outside the plane. He looks at his *
      watch and doesn't like what he sees. *

      Something attracts his attention towards the end of the *
      tarmac.

      Apparently there is nothing to see but darkness until 3
      police cars and one dark sedan turn on their lights and start *
      blasting their sirens. *

      The Pilot sees the authorities and hurriedly climbs into the *
      cockpit, calling out loudly. *

      PILOT
      They’re coming, they’re coming! *

      Mr. Renzo rushes out from the building, followed by 3 MEN in *
      surgical gowns. They quickly get onto the plane and shut the *
      doors. *

      The authorities close in. *
      104.


      The airplane taxis into position for takeoff. The pilot guns *
      the throttle. It lurches forward and zooms down the runway. *

      The airplane takes to the air, barely missing the oncoming *
      police cars and the FBI car. *

      The Policemen jump out of the cars and shoot at the airplane, *
      but it’s too late. *

      The FBI car parks near the building. Rodriguez and Brown get *
      out and head inside. *


      INT. AIRPORT BUILDING - NIGHT

      Rodriguez and Brown are stunned by what they find. It’s a *
      makeshift surgical room, very rudimentary but well set up.

      Inside, through semitransparent plastic layers, a gurney, a
      light and unused medical equipment. *

      Four containers sit on a table. Each one labeled as an Organ *
      Transportation Box but with 4 different tags: Heart, Liver, *
      Eyes, Kidneys.

      Rodriguez picks up a piece of paper with a list of medical
      data and a picture.

      The smiling face of Jimmy stares back at her.

      FADE OUT.

      OVER BLACK. *

      SUPER: Human Trafficking - the unlawful act of transporting
      or coercing people in order to benefit from their work or
      service, typically in the form of forced labor or sexual
      exploitation.

      SUPER: 18,000 people are trafficked through the United States *
      every year.

      SUPER: During the time you watched this movie, 5 more people
      were kidnapped.

      SUPER: 87.7% of these victims accessed healthcare services *
      while they were being trafficked and nobody helped them.

      SUPER: It is happening right in front of our eyes.

      SUPER: See something, say something.

      (more statistics if needed)
      105.


      EXT. BLACK SCREEN - NIGHT

      ...Credits List...
      Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

      Summary The pilot notices something at the end of the tarmac and quickly climbs into the cockpit. Mr. Renzo and three men in surgical gowns rush onto the plane and shut the doors. The authorities close in as the airplane taxis into position for takeoff. The pilot accelerates and the airplane narrowly avoids the police cars and FBI car. The policemen shoot at the airplane but it escapes. Inside the airport building, Rodriguez and Brown discover a makeshift surgical room with medical equipment and containers labeled as organ transportation boxes. Rodriguez finds a picture of Jimmy and realizes the connection to human trafficking. The scene ends with Rodriguez finding a picture of Jimmy and the screen fading out.
      Strengths
      • Intense action sequences
      • Strong emotional impact
      • Well-developed plot
      Weaknesses
      • Dialogue could be more memorable
      • Theme could be further explored

      Ratings
      Overall

      Overall: 9

      The scene is highly engaging and gripping, with a well-executed escape sequence and a strong emotional impact.


      Story Content

      Concept: 8

      The concept of a daring escape from human trafficking adds tension and urgency to the scene.

      Plot: 9

      The plot is well-developed, with a clear objective of escaping and multiple obstacles and surprises along the way.

      Originality: 6

      The level of originality in this scene is moderate. While the concept of a protagonist trying to escape from authorities is not entirely unique, the specific setting of an airport and the inclusion of human trafficking as a theme adds a fresh approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the originality.


      Character Development

      Characters: 8

      The characters are well-defined and their actions and motivations are believable.

      Character Changes: 8

      Sarah undergoes a significant change from being a captive to taking control of her own fate and fighting back.

      Internal Goal: 8

      The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to escape from the authorities and avoid getting caught. This reflects their deeper need for freedom and their fear of being captured or arrested.

      External Goal: 9

      The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to take off in the airplane and escape from the authorities. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they're facing, which is being pursued by the police and FBI.


      Scene Elements

      Conflict Level: 10

      The scene is filled with intense conflict, both physical and emotional, creating a sense of danger and urgency.

      Opposition: 8

      The opposition in this scene is strong as the protagonist faces the threat of capture by the authorities. The audience is unsure of how the situation will unfold, adding to the tension and suspense.

      High Stakes: 10

      The stakes are incredibly high, with the characters' lives on the line and the urgency to escape from dangerous captors.

      Story Forward: 10

      The scene propels the story forward by resolving the immediate conflict and setting up new challenges for the characters.

      Unpredictability: 7

      This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements such as the sudden appearance of the authorities and the protagonist narrowly escaping their pursuit. The audience is left wondering what will happen next.

      Philosophical Conflict: 7

      There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between the protagonist's desire for freedom and the authorities' desire to capture them. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values regarding personal liberty and the pursuit of justice.


      Audience Engagement

      Emotional Impact: 9

      The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly fear, tension, and determination.

      Dialogue: 7

      The dialogue is effective in conveying emotions and driving the plot forward, but could benefit from more memorable lines.

      Engagement: 9

      This scene is engaging because it immediately introduces a high-stakes conflict and keeps the reader on the edge of their seat with its fast-paced action and suspenseful moments.

      Pacing: 9

      The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a fast and intense rhythm. The quick succession of actions and the use of concise and impactful language keeps the reader engaged.


      Technical Aspect

      Formatting: 9

      The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It includes scene headings, action lines, and character dialogue in a clear and organized manner.

      Structure: 8

      The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre. It begins with an establishing shot, introduces the conflict, and concludes with a cliffhanger.


      Critique
      • The scene starts with a lot of action and tension, but it lacks context. The audience doesn't know who the small airplane belongs to or why the authorities are after it. This could lead to confusion and disengagement from the audience. To improve this, it would be helpful to add a scene or two before this one to establish the situation and the characters involved.
      • The dialogue in this scene is minimal, which could make it difficult for the audience to understand what's happening. It would be helpful to add some dialogue between the pilot and Mr. Renzo to clarify their relationship and the reason for their escape. This could also help to build tension and suspense.
      • The scene ends abruptly with the airplane taking off and the authorities shooting at it. This could leave the audience feeling unsatisfied and unresolved. To improve this, it would be helpful to add a scene or two after this one to show the aftermath of the escape and the consequences for the characters involved.
      • The statistics at the end of the scene are powerful and impactful, but they could be overwhelming for the audience. It would be helpful to spread them out over the course of the movie, rather than all at once. This could also help to build tension and suspense throughout the movie, rather than just at the end.
      • The scene lacks character development for Sarah. We don't know much about her, other than the fact that she's trying to escape with Glenn. To improve this, it would be helpful to add a scene or two earlier in the movie to introduce Sarah and establish her backstory. This could also help to build empathy and engagement from the audience.
      Suggestions
      • Add a scene or two before this one to establish the situation and the characters involved.
      • Add some dialogue between the pilot and Mr. Renzo to clarify their relationship and the reason for their escape.
      • Add a scene or two after this one to show the aftermath of the escape and the consequences for the characters involved.
      • Spread the statistics out over the course of the movie, rather than all at once.
      • Add a scene or two earlier in the movie to introduce Sarah and establish her backstory.