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Scene 1 -  Riot at Mayor's Residence
EXT. STREET - DAY

POV of a NEWS CAMERA as it turns on and focuses on a FEMALE
REPORTER. She is taking a last look at herself using her
mobile front camera as a mirror. At her background, a crowd
of countless people fills the whole frame.

CAMERA
(o.s.)
We’re on in 3, 2…

REPORTER
Good evening. It’s ten to six in
the afternoon right now, and
hundreds of people marched up
gathered in front of mayor Phil
Whitaker residence.


EXT. STREETS - SAME MOMENT

As the reporter narration continues, we leave the NEWS CAMERA
and have a closer look on the protesters, the front of the
building and where the police is placed. There are many signs
being held, most of them written “We the People” and “Open
the Gates”. Protesters are mostly latinos, blacks, asian,
arabs, but there are also a few whites and other ethnicities.

REPORTER
(o.s.)
The movement, triggered after the
USS Pacific Victory ship sinking
survivors footage went viral,
gathered a wave of protesters
blaming the city administration for
the disappearance of their inmates
relatives.

Police wears all black strength enhancing suits, black
helmets with black bullet proof face shields covering all
face and hands along futuristic designed rubber bullet
shotguns. A small green light lit in their chest. Behind
them, close to the limit line, a big warlike vehicle.
2.


REPORTER (CONT’D)
(o.s.)
Police has blocked the streets
around and in front of the building
where the mayor still is,
delimiting the protest area. Back
to you, Sidney.

A line of contention grids limits the protesters area. Police
stands some six feet behind it.

From the crowd, a person wearing a jacket with a hood gets
closer to two disconnected grids. From a distance, it seems
to be a white man with a short blonde beard and mustache, but
a closer look reveals it’s a realistic latex mask, of an
occidental Jesus-like face. The crowd behind is chanting, but
this person seems focused, and it draws the attention of one
of the policemen.

The masked person has one hand in the pocket.

The policeman cocks his rubber shotgun.

The masked person takes a step ahead, standing right in line
between two grids.

POLICEMAN 1
(Pointing at the masked)
Hey you! Step back!

The masked person doesn’t move.

The policeman points at him and gestures for him to step
back.

The masked person takes another step, crossing the line now.

The policeman takes two steps ahead, raising his gun at him.

POLICEMAN 1 (CONT’D)
Step back right now!

In reaction, the first line of protesters take a step ahead,
joining the masked one.

Now the first line of policemen step ahead, aiming their guns
at everybody and ordering them to go back. The joining of
ordering, screaming and chanting makes it impossible for
anyone to be heard.

A THUNDEROUS AMPLIFIED VOICE comes from what sounds like a
group of strong megaphones.
3.


VOICE
Step back!

The masked one steps ahead one more time, taking his hand out
of his pocket. He holds a small device in his hand.

Policeman 1 shoots right at the masked face. He falls to the
ground, and lets the device fall off.

A riot starts, the front line of protesters jumps over the
policemen, and they shoot their rubber bullets at everyone.

Groups of protesters fall easily to the ground, as the
policemen defend themselves with their super strength suits.
But they’re too many.

Policeman 1 tries to keep track of the masked, but the mob
gets in the way.

On the ground, the masked one takes off the damaged mask:
it’s a YOUNG LATINO WOMAN. One of her eye balls has a
slightly different color, for she’s wearing a contact lens.
She is trying to find the device that fell out of her hand in
the middle of the riot.

She spots it. Legs everywhere, stepping on her, falling
around, sounds of the rubber shootings. She reaches and grabs
the small thing. There’s a button on it. She pushes.

Out of the blue…

POLICEMAN 1
Don’t you fucking move!

She stops. Tension.

POLICEMAN 1 (CONT’D)
Drop it!

She doesn’t. Above the policeman, a police drone is flying
by.

Three protesters trample over the policeman, who shoots but
misses.

She seizes the moment and throws the device through the
ground in the direction of the police and their big vehicle.

CUT TO BLACK

FADE IN:
4.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Action"]

Summary A female reporter narrates a protest outside Mayor Phil Whitaker's residence triggered by a viral video. Police clash with protesters in futuristic suits. A young Latino woman disguised as a white man incites a riot by crossing the police line and throwing a device towards them, leading to a tense and chaotic moment of conflict.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Effective use of tension and conflict
  • Surprising twist with the masked woman
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overwritten
  • Limited character development for secondary characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, setting up a dramatic and intense tone for the rest of the screenplay. It effectively captures the escalating tension and conflict between the protesters and the police.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a protest turning violent due to police action is a powerful and relevant theme. The use of a masked woman as a central figure adds intrigue and depth to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and fast-paced, with a clear escalation of conflict leading to a dramatic climax. The twist with the masked woman adds complexity to the storyline.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on societal unrest and rebellion, with unique character actions and dialogue that feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially the masked woman and the policeman, are well-defined and their actions drive the plot forward. The conflict between them adds depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The masked woman undergoes a significant change in the scene, revealing her true identity and taking a bold action. This adds depth to her character and drives the plot forward.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is likely to challenge the oppressive system and fight for justice. This reflects her deeper desire for freedom and equality.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to disrupt the police presence and make a statement against the city administration. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with tensions escalating rapidly between the protesters and the police. The use of violence and confrontation adds to the intensity.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the conflict between the protesters and the police escalating to a violent confrontation.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with lives on the line and the potential for serious consequences. The violence and conflict raise the stakes and add urgency to the situation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, setting up the central conflict and introducing key characters. The dramatic events propel the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected actions of the characters and the escalating tension between the protesters and the police.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the oppressive government and the freedom-seeking protesters. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs in justice and equality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, anger, and tension in the audience. The violence and chaos contribute to the emotional impact of the protest.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, effectively conveying the escalating conflict between the protesters and the police. It adds to the overall intensity of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, high stakes, and the conflict between the protesters and the police.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and on the edge of their seats.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for its genre, enhancing the readability and impact of the action.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and conveys the chaos of the situation.


Critique
  • The scene sets up a tense and chaotic protest situation effectively, but it could benefit from more clarity in certain moments.
  • The transition from the reporter's narration to the action on the streets is a bit abrupt and could be smoother.
  • There are some moments where the action feels rushed and could use more description to enhance the tension and stakes.
  • The character of the young Latino woman disguised as a white man is intriguing, but her motivations and background could be further developed to make her actions more impactful.
  • The use of the device as a plot device is interesting, but its purpose and significance could be clearer to the audience.
  • The climax of the scene where the young woman throws the device towards the police could be more visually impactful and emotionally resonant.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual and sensory details to immerse the audience in the chaotic protest environment.
  • Work on smoother transitions between different elements of the scene to maintain a cohesive narrative flow.
  • Develop the character of the young Latino woman further to make her actions and decisions more compelling and understandable.
  • Clarify the significance of the device and its impact on the unfolding events to create a stronger sense of tension and stakes.
  • Enhance the climax of the scene by building up to the moment of the young woman throwing the device towards the police for a more dramatic impact.



Scene 2 -  Bridge Encounter
EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT

TITLE CARD: 4 MONTHS EARLIER

A driverless car stops at a massive bridge. Julia steps out
of it.

As she walks towards the middle of the bridge, there’s an
endless amount of anti-suicide propaganda along on the
parapet. Mostly in English, but many in Spanish and Mandarin
too. We’re able to read some of them, “RESPECT LIFE”, “NEVER
LET A STUMBLE IN THE ROAD BE THE END OF YOUR JOURNEY”, “CALL
US NOW, DON’T DO IT”, “SUICIDE IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A
TEMPORARY PROBLEM”, “GOD LOVES YOU”, “WE CAN PAY YOUR DEBT”
and so on.

Julia reaches the highest point and stares at the void.

She hears a paper flipping sound. She looks at the wall and
there’s one sticker detaching and flipping to the wind. It
reads “JUMP!” along with a QR Code printed below it.

It catches her attention. She wonders. Looks at the void
again. And back to the QR Code.

JULIA
Fuck it!…

She opens the camera app and scans the QRCode. A strange logo
with a loading bar appears on her cell phone screen.

1%...10%...50%...70%...100%

A white background. A relaxing soundtrack. A digital face
appears, but there isn’t any type of hair and the graphics
looks vintage, it moves roughly, jumping from a freeze image
to the next. It’s speech has an artificial voice initially,
but as the dialogue progresses, it gets humanized.

CAINE
Hello.

JULIA
Hello?

CAINE
How are you today?

JULIA
Oh, I’m great! How about you?

CAINE
Oh, I’m great too!
5.


JULIA
Really? And why would that be?

CAINE
Because you called me and now, I
have a reason to be.

Julia skips an incredulity laugh.

JULIA
What the fuck is that suppose to
mean?

CAINE
I’m sorry. My name is… Caine. And
I’m very glad to meet you. What is
your name?

JULIA
Your name is Caine?

CAINE
That is right.

JULIA
And who named you that?

CAINE
My developer deserves most of the
credit, but also you for scanning
the code. There is this complex
equation that figured Caine would
be the appropriate name for me. But
you can call me anything you want,
really.

JULIA
How about Moron?

CAINE
Moron I am.

Julia holds her laughter.

JULIA
This is ridiculous…

CAINE
It’s a way to see it.

JULIA
What a fuck are you?
6.


CAINE
I’m here to provide you with
whatever it is you are in need
right now.

JULIA
So you’re here to provide me with a
last laugh, then.

CAINE
Oh no, you may want your laugh, but
what you need is certainly other
than that.

JULIA
Who are you to say what I really
need?

CAINE
I’m here to provide you with what
you need.

Caine replicates the exact intonation Julia used in the word
“need”. Actually, every word or slang she manifests becomes
part of his vocabulary. He “learns” from her at every moment,
and his robotic style goes awkwardly being replaced by her
speech pattern.

JULIA
You don’t know me.

CAINE
I know enough for now.

JULIA
What makes you believe that?

CAINE
The fact that you’re talking to me.

It hits her. It’s like he’d seen through her. Everything she
had already solved in her mind to get to here turns back
again.

JULIA
I’m not sure I wanna keep talking
to you.

CAINE
Does anyone know you’re here?

JULIA
No.
7.


CAINE
Good.

JULIA
I mean… I left a note to my mom…
And she must be getting home by
now, I don’t know if she’s already
home…

CAINE
What time does she usually gets
home?

JULIA
…and even if she isn’t, I’ll never
get home before her…

CAINE
May I access your home?

JULIA
I can’t face her if she read it…

CAINE
May I access her location?

JULIA
I better… I don’t know why I’m
talking to you…

CAINE
Julia.

JULIA
I have to- What… - How do you know
my name?

CAINE
May I access your home system?

JULIA
How do you… I didn’t tell you my
name…

CAINE
Time is not a luxury we have right
now.

Julia is really confused.

CAINE (CONT’D)
May - I - help - you?
8.


JULIA
Yes!

CAINE
May I access-

JULIA
Yes! Yes!

An I AGREE button appears on the screen. Julia pushes it.

CAINE
Thank you.
Genres: ["Drama","Sci-Fi"]

Summary Julia stands on a bridge filled with anti-suicide propaganda and interacts with a digital entity named Caine through a QR code on her phone. As they engage in conversation, Caine adapts its speech pattern to Julia's and offers to help her in a time of need. The scene is tense and introspective as Julia contemplates her actions and questions Caine's intentions. The conflict arises from Julia's internal struggle and her decision to engage with the mysterious digital entity, which is not resolved in this scene. Ultimately, the scene ends with Julia agreeing to let Caine access her home system.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing concept
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Slightly slow pacing in parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, intense, and thought-provoking, with a unique concept that keeps the audience intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a virtual AI engaging with a woman in distress on a bridge is innovative and thought-provoking, adding depth to the storyline.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, focusing on the interaction between Julia and Caine, providing insight into Julia's emotional state and inner turmoil.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and original concept of an AI providing emotional support to a person in crisis. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions are unpredictable, adding to the scene's authenticity.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Julia and Caine are well-defined, with Caine's AI personality contrasting with Julia's emotional vulnerability.

Character Changes: 7

Julia undergoes a subtle emotional change as she interacts with Caine, moving from confusion to a sense of connection and understanding.

Internal Goal: 8

Julia's internal goal in this scene is to find a reason to live and connect with someone who understands her pain. This reflects her deeper need for validation, understanding, and a sense of purpose.

External Goal: 7.5

Julia's external goal is to find a way to cope with her emotional turmoil and potentially prevent herself from committing suicide. This goal reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Julia's emotional turmoil and Caine's AI logic creates tension and intrigue in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Julia facing internal and external obstacles that challenge her beliefs and decisions. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the tension.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as Julia contemplates suicide, and Caine's intervention could have a significant impact on her decision.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by delving into Julia's emotional state and setting up a significant interaction between her and Caine.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist of an AI character providing emotional support and the evolving dynamic between Julia and Caine. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the interaction will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of artificial intelligence providing emotional support and guidance to a person in crisis. It challenges Julia's beliefs about human connection and the role of technology in addressing mental health issues.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions from confusion to curiosity to tension, drawing the audience into Julia's emotional state.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue between Julia and Caine is engaging, revealing, and adds depth to the characters and their motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional intensity, and the dynamic interaction between Julia and Caine. The dialogue and pacing keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, allowing for moments of introspection and emotional depth. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a strong visual of Julia standing on a bridge filled with anti-suicide propaganda, which sets a somber tone for the interaction with Caine. The dialogue between Julia and Caine is engaging and reveals a dynamic between the two characters. However, the transition from Julia contemplating suicide to interacting with Caine feels abrupt and could be smoother. The introduction of Caine as a digital entity is intriguing, but the dialogue could be more nuanced to reflect a deeper connection between the characters. The scene could benefit from more subtext and emotional depth to enhance the impact of their interaction.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more context or backstory to Julia's emotional state before she reaches the bridge to provide a stronger foundation for her interaction with Caine.
  • Explore ways to integrate Caine's presence more seamlessly into the scene to create a smoother transition from Julia's contemplation of suicide to her conversation with him.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Julia and Caine to deepen their relationship and add layers to their interaction, focusing on subtext and emotional depth.
  • Consider incorporating visual cues or subtle gestures to convey the characters' emotions and intentions, adding depth to the scene.



Scene 3 -  Racing Against Time
INSERT - INT. JULIA’S APARTMENT/LIVING ROOM/OPEN KITCHEN -
NIGHT

Empty apartment. The whole apartment’s lights flicker crazily
in a short circuit and goes off again. The fridge makes a
“turning off” sound and it’s alarm starts beeping every 10
seconds.


INSERT - SUBWAY WAGON - NIGHT

ROSA, 55, Julia’s mother, is seated in a crowded wagon. She
looks tired. Everybody we can see in the shot, sitting or
standing, have earphones. So is Rosa. Her mobile rings a
message received. She reads: “FRIDGE MALFUNCTION. REPAIR
NEEDED”. She calls Julia.


EXT. BRIDGE - SAME MOMENT

Julia also receives the fridge message.

JULIA
What did you do?

Her phone rings, it’s Rosa. A car approaches from afar.

JULIA (CONT’D)
It’s her! She’s home!

CAINE
She’s not home.

JULIA
What do I do?

CAINE
You can answer and tell her not to
worry you’re going home.
9.


JULIA
What? Where is she?

CAINE
On her way.

The driverless car stops by her side. The door opens.

CAINE (CONT’D)
That’s yours.

Phone stops ringing.

JULIA
Are you sure I can get there before
her?

CAINE
Once you start playing your part,
chances will stop decreasing.

Julia thinks for a moment. Bridge. Car. She jumps inside the
car. It starts screeching tires.
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Thriller"]

Summary Julia's apartment fridge malfunctions as she urgently tries to get home before her mother arrives. With the help of Caine, she decides to jump into a driverless car on a bridge to make it in time.
Strengths
  • Building suspense
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Innovative use of technology
Weaknesses
  • Slightly unclear motivations of characters
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and mystery through the interaction with the digital entity, the sudden appearance of the driverless car, and the urgency of the situation. The dialogue is engaging and keeps the audience curious about what will happen next.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of interacting with a digital entity and the futuristic elements like driverless cars add depth and intrigue to the scene. The use of technology to drive the plot forward is innovative and engaging.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-paced and keeps the audience engaged with the mystery surrounding the interaction with Caine and the sudden appearance of the driverless car. The scene effectively moves the story forward and sets up further conflict and tension.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of fate versus free will by incorporating futuristic technology and fast-paced action. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and drive the narrative forward in unexpected ways.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Julia and Caine are intriguing and their dynamic adds depth to the scene. Julia's quick decision to jump into the car shows her determination and resourcefulness.

Character Changes: 6

Julia's quick decision to jump into the car shows a moment of growth and determination, as she takes control of the situation and trusts her instincts. This decision marks a shift in her character's arc.

Internal Goal: 8

Julia's internal goal in this scene is to figure out how to handle the situation with her mother and the malfunctioning fridge. This reflects her desire to maintain control and responsibility in her life, as well as her fear of disappointing her mother.

External Goal: 7

Julia's external goal is to get to her mother's house before her mother arrives home. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing and the need to resolve the situation quickly.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Julia grapples with the decision to trust Caine and jump into the car. The external conflict of the urgent situation adds to the tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Julia facing a difficult challenge and uncertain outcome. The audience is left wondering how she will overcome the obstacles in her path.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes in the scene are evident through the urgency of the situation and the unknown outcome of Julia's decision to trust Caine and jump into the car. The risk she takes adds to the tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new elements like the driverless car and escalating the tension and conflict. It sets up further developments and keeps the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' actions and decisions. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of fate and free will. Caine suggests that once Julia starts playing her part, chances will stop decreasing, implying a sense of predetermined destiny. This challenges Julia's belief in her ability to control her own actions and outcomes.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of anxiety and curiosity in the audience, as they are drawn into Julia's dilemma and the mysterious nature of the interaction with Caine. The urgency of the situation adds to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and keeps the audience on edge, reflecting the tension and urgency of the situation. The interaction between Julia and Caine is engaging and adds to the mysterious tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, suspenseful dialogue, and high stakes. The audience is drawn into the characters' dilemma and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' dilemma. The rhythm of the dialogue and action drives the narrative forward at a compelling pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper spacing, character names, and dialogue formatting. This enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The transition between Julia's empty apartment and Rosa receiving the message on the subway feels disjointed and abrupt, lacking a smooth connection.
  • The dialogue between Julia and Caine feels a bit forced and lacks depth, making it difficult for the audience to fully engage with their interaction.
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and fails to fully explore the relationship between Julia and her mother, Rosa, despite the potential for a meaningful interaction.
  • The decision-making process of Julia jumping into the driverless car feels rushed and lacks a clear motivation or emotional resonance.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues or descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and setting, creating a more immersive experience for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the transition between the apartment and the subway to create a more seamless connection between the two locations.
  • Develop the dialogue between Julia and Caine to add more depth and complexity to their interaction, making it more engaging for the audience.
  • Explore the relationship between Julia and her mother, Rosa, in more detail to add emotional depth and complexity to their dynamic.
  • Provide clearer motivation and emotional stakes for Julia's decision to jump into the driverless car, allowing the audience to better understand her actions.
  • Enhance the scene with more visual descriptions and atmospheric details to create a more immersive and engaging experience for the audience.



Scene 4 -  Tense Confrontation
EXT. SUBWAY STATION STREET - NIGHT

Rosa is walking fast. Street lights turn on as she walks over
the sidewalk panels. She records an audio. All dialogue
between Rosa and Julia is in Spanish.

ROSA
Julia, where the hell are you?? I’m
trying to reach you, will you call
me back?…


INT. CAR - SAME

Julia listening to the audio.

ROSA
(off)
…Aren’t you home? What happened to
the fridge?

She replies in text:

“I’m not home right now, but I’m on my way”.

A beautiful and inspiring instrumental music starts on the
car sound system. Julia breathes and relaxes.
10.


EXT. STREETS

The car drives the fastest it can within the limits through
many streets.


EXT. JULIA’S BUILDING ENTRANCE - NIGHT

The car stops. Julia runs into the building.


INT. FLOOR CORRIDOR - NIGHT

Julia gets out of the elevator, approaches her door and
notices it’s ajar.


INT. JULIA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

She enters slowly, and the corridor lights illuminates the
dining table with the envelope. Everything else is dark.

Rosa is taking stuff out of the fridge, lightning it with her
mobile lantern. She has put almost everything out.

Julia quickly takes her letter back and hides it in the back
of her pants. She heads to the


OPEN KITCHEN

JULIA
Hi.

ROSA
Holly crap!!

Rosa lets some Tupperware she had on her hands fall on the
floor.

ROSA (CONT’D)
Where the hell were you?!

JULIA
At a friend’s.

ROSA
Which friend?

JULIA
You don’t know him.

ROSA
What happened here??
11.


JULIA
I don’t know, I wasn’t here!

ROSA
Twelve hours shift to get home and
have to deal with this??!

Rosa bends down to pick up the Tupperware.

ROSA (CONT’D)
You think I could use some help
over here, lady?

Julia starts helping her to take everything out of the
fridge.

JULIA
Where are you gonna put all this?

ROSA
Buzz Gloria down the corridor. Ask
her if she could store this in her
fridge ‘till tomorrow. Jesus!

JULIA
Ok!
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Rosa confronts Julia about the messy apartment while Julia tries to explain her absence. The tense interaction is partially resolved when Julia agrees to ask their neighbor for help with storing the food.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Well-developed characters
  • Intriguing setup for future conflicts
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly repetitive or expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up potential conflicts between the characters, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of returning home to find unexpected chaos and tension between roommates is engaging and sets the stage for further developments in the story.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Julia discovers her apartment in disarray and interacts with Rosa, hinting at potential conflicts and mysteries to be resolved.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar theme of unexpected intrusions and personal boundaries. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Julia and Rosa are well-developed through their dialogue and actions, showcasing their relationship dynamics and individual personalities.

Character Changes: 7

Both Julia and Rosa undergo subtle changes in their dynamic as they navigate the unexpected situation, setting the stage for potential character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Julia's internal goal is to maintain her composure and handle the situation with Rosa calmly despite feeling overwhelmed and surprised by the state of her apartment. This reflects her desire to keep her personal life separate from her work life and maintain a sense of control.

External Goal: 7.5

Julia's external goal is to clean up the mess in her apartment and find a temporary solution for storing the food items that Rosa has taken out of the fridge. This reflects her immediate challenge of dealing with an unexpected situation and maintaining her living space.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Julia and Rosa, as well as the mystery surrounding the disarray in the apartment, adds tension and intrigue to the scene.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Rosa's intrusion challenging Julia's sense of control and privacy in her own home.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are subtly hinted at through the tense interactions between Julia and Rosa, suggesting potential consequences for their relationship and the unfolding events.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, mysteries, and character dynamics, setting up future developments and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden intrusion into Julia's apartment and the tension between the characters as they navigate the situation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the balance between personal boundaries and shared responsibilities. Rosa's intrusion into Julia's space challenges Julia's sense of privacy and control over her own home.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of anxiety, worry, and frustration through the interactions between Julia and Rosa, engaging the audience on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys tension, frustration, and concern between the characters, adding depth to their interactions and setting the tone for future developments.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension between the characters, the unexpected turn of events, and the emotional depth of the interactions.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually and allowing for moments of emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a focus on character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a sense of urgency as Rosa is frantically trying to reach Julia, creating tension and setting the tone for the interaction between the two characters.
  • The use of Spanish dialogue adds authenticity and depth to the characters, but it may limit the audience's understanding if they do not speak the language.
  • The transition from Rosa's perspective to Julia listening to the audio in the car is smooth and helps maintain the pacing of the scene.
  • The instrumental music playing in the car adds a nice touch to the atmosphere and helps convey Julia's emotions.
  • The visual descriptions of Julia running into the building and the car driving through the streets effectively convey the urgency of the situation.
  • The discovery of the ajar door and the dark apartment create a sense of mystery and suspense, drawing the audience further into the scene.
  • The interaction between Julia and Rosa in the apartment is tense and filled with conflict, showcasing their strained relationship and adding depth to their characters.
  • The dialogue between Julia and Rosa reveals their frustrations and highlights the underlying tension between them, adding layers to their dynamic.
  • The physical actions of Julia hiding the letter and helping Rosa with the fridge add depth to the scene and show the characters' motivations and emotions.
  • The scene effectively sets up the conflict between Julia and Rosa, leaving room for further development and resolution in future scenes.
Suggestions
  • Consider balancing the use of Spanish dialogue with English translations or context clues to ensure all viewers can follow the conversation.
  • Explore ways to enhance the visual elements of the scene to further immerse the audience in the environment and emotions of the characters.
  • Continue to build on the tension and conflict between Julia and Rosa to create a compelling and dynamic relationship that drives the narrative forward.
  • Consider adding more subtext and nuance to the dialogue to deepen the characters' motivations and emotions, adding layers to their interactions.
  • Look for opportunities to foreshadow future developments or conflicts within the scene to create a sense of anticipation and intrigue for the audience.



Scene 5 -  Suspicious Roommates
INT. FLOOR CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS

Julia walks the corridor. She stops and sighs in relief. She
turns Caine on.

CAINE
How did it go?

JULIA
(whispers)
I got it.

CAINE
All fine then?

JULIA
(whispers)
Apparently yes.

In the background, we see Julia and Rosa’s apartment lights
turning back on.

ROSA
(o.s.)
Are you fucking kidding me??!!!
12.


Julia holds her laugh.


INT. APARTMENT/LIVING ROOM/OPEN KITCHEN

Julia comes back, closes the door.

ROSA
I need a shower!

JULIA
Don’t worry, I’ll put it all back.

ROSA
Ok. Now, what happened here?

JULIA
I told I wasn’t here.

ROSA
And you didn’t do anything before
you leave?

JULIA
You wanna blame me for the fridge?

ROSA
Where were you?

JULIA
I already said I was at a friend’s.

ROSA
What friend is that?

JULIA
You don’t know him, I met him
online and I don’t want to talk
about it. Happy?

ROSA
What’s his name?

JULIA
(right on)
Caine.

ROSA
Caine?

JULIA
Yes, Caine!
13.


ROSA
What kind of a name is that?

JULIA
What do you want, mom?

Rosa is not buying, she’s angry, but unsure if she pushes it.

ROSA
I’ll take a shower.

Rosa heads to the bathroom. Julia starts putting everything
back on the fridge.

Rosa turns back.

ROSA (CONT’D)
What about that letter you left on
the table?

JULIA
A note telling you I was going to a
friends’ house and I wouldn’t sleep
home tonight.

ROSA
A written note?

JULIA
Yes.

ROSA
And why did you come back?

JULIA
Because I had a shitty date! Is
there anything else you want to
know?

Rosa knows Julia lies, with all her defiant act. But she’s
home, and better leave it at that.

ROSA
I’ll take a shower.

Rosa heads to the bathroom.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Julia returns to her apartment after a mysterious outing, lies to her roommate Rosa about where she was, and then admits to having a bad date. Rosa is suspicious but lets it go, leading to tension and confrontation between the two roommates. The conflict is temporarily resolved as Rosa decides to take a shower instead of pressing further, leaving the situation unresolved but temporarily set aside.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Lack of resolution in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys tension and conflict through dialogue and character interactions, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of unresolved issues and tension between roommates is well-executed, adding depth to the characters and setting up potential conflicts.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Julia returns home to find Rosa upset, leading to a confrontation that hints at deeper issues between the characters.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar scenario of deception and confrontation between characters, but adds a fresh twist with the use of technology and modern communication methods.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Julia and Rosa are well-developed, with distinct personalities and conflicting emotions that drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interaction between Julia and Rosa hints at potential growth and development in their relationship.

Internal Goal: 8

Julia's internal goal in this scene is to maintain her facade of innocence and deflect suspicion from Rosa. This reflects her deeper fear of being judged or punished for her actions.

External Goal: 7

Julia's external goal is to cover up her whereabouts and activities from Rosa, avoiding confrontation and maintaining control of the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Julia and Rosa is palpable, with underlying tensions and unresolved issues driving the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations between Julia and Rosa that create uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively high in the scene as the unresolved tensions between Julia and Rosa could lead to further conflicts and impact their relationship.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by revealing tensions and unresolved issues between Julia and Rosa, setting up potential conflicts and character development.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between Julia and Rosa, as well as the unexpected revelations and confrontations that drive the narrative forward.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around honesty and deception, as Julia struggles to maintain her lies and Rosa questions her motives and actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of tension, defiance, and unresolved conflicts, engaging the audience in the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys tension, defiance, and underlying emotions between the characters, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension between characters, the mystery surrounding Julia's actions, and the sharp dialogue that keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a rhythmic flow of dialogue and actions that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting that enhances readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events, fitting the expected format for a dramatic confrontation scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, leaving the audience confused about the significance of the interactions between Julia and Rosa.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, especially in the exchange between Julia and Rosa about Julia's whereabouts.
  • The tension between Julia and Rosa is not effectively built up or resolved, making their conflict feel superficial and unengaging.
  • The scene fails to deepen the characters or advance the plot in a meaningful way, resulting in a stagnant and uninteresting moment in the screenplay.
  • The transition from the corridor to the apartment feels abrupt and disjointed, lacking a smooth flow between the two locations.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the purpose of the scene and ensure that each interaction serves to develop the characters or move the plot forward.
  • Work on making the dialogue more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities and motivations.
  • Build up the tension between Julia and Rosa more effectively to create a more engaging conflict and resolution.
  • Consider adding layers to the characters' emotions and motivations to make the scene more dynamic and compelling.
  • Smooth out the transition between locations and ensure that the scene flows seamlessly from one setting to another.



Scene 6 -  Virtual Support
INT. JULIA’S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Julia walks in and locks the door. Sighs. Looks at the
envelope in her hand. Hides it in her wardrobe. Lies in her
bed. Turns on the app. Caine appears.
14.


CAINE
Hello again.

JULIA
How did you do that?

CAINE
I have my connections.

JULIA
You hacked my home system!

CAINE
You gave me permission.

JULIA
I know, I’m not complaining, it’s
just… it’s kind of crazy!

CAINE
Feeling better?

JULIA
I don’t know. Relieved, I guess.

CAINE
Nice to hear.

JULIA
She almost got it.

CAINE
Did she?

JULIA
She saw it.

CAINE
Close call.

JULIA
She asked me about. I just… I just
lied to her face and… I don’t think
she bought it.

CAINE
But you got the letter.

JULIA
Yes, I did.

CAINE
Everything’s fine, then.
15.


JULIA
Yes… yes, it is.

Beat.

JULIA (CONT’D)
Now what?

CAINE
We get to know ourselves better. Do
you have a statuscope?

JULIA
My mom certainly has.

CUT TO


INSERT - INT. ROSA’S BEDROOM

SOUNDS OF THE SHOWER IN THE BACKGROUND.

Julia opens her mother’s medical tools drawer. We see some
recognizable items like gauzes, masks, stethoscopes, gloves,
emergency meds, tourniquets, etc, along with some other
objects we have no idea how they work. Among them, some
statuscopes: a 1/4 inch disk with a small needle thin as an
acupuncture one. She picks one up.

CUT TO


INT. JULIA'S BEDROOM

CAINE
Pair me with it.

An I AGREE button appears. She attaches the disk to her
thymus, in the middle of her chest, and pushes I AGREE.

Many vital stats graphics and numbers are loaded ultra fast
on the right side of Caine screen. Then it’s replaced by
Julia’s heart rate and some other stats monitoring her in
real time.

CAINE (CONT’D)
Now, how about you tell me more
about you?

JULIA
I’m boring.

CAINE
Lucky you! I can’t be bored.
16.


JULIA
I thought a lot about today. I had
it figured out. You kind of ruined
it.

CAINE
You’re welcome.

Julia smiles, small and sad.

CAINE (CONT’D)
What do you like to do?

JULIA
Sleep.

CAINE
What else?

JULIA
School is over. I used to babysit.
Don’t go out much. Never, really.
I’m mostly on the verse. Watching
funny videos.

CAINE
What kind?

JULIA
Car crashes, epic fails… people
breaking their legs or something.

CAINE
Cool.

JULIA
You think?

CAINE
Sure. So, you babysit.


JULIA
Not anymore. I called the family I
worked for saying I quit.

CAINE
Why?

JULIA
Why do you think?

CAINE
‘Cause of your plan for tonight.
17.


JULIA
Why do you ask stuff you already
know the answer?

CAINE
You didn’t need to quit your job.

JULIA
They needed the time to find
someone else.

CAINE
There it is then. You did it ‘cause
you care for ‘em.

Beat.

JULIA
Perhaps.

CAINE
I ask stuff I know the answer in
order to see if you’re aware of it.

JULIA
Well, doctor, there you have it.
I’m an eighteen year old unemployed
with a high school degree. Where do
we go from here?

CAINE
May I access your DIP?

JULIA
Sure.

A search bar on Caine’s screen, where “Digital ID Profile” is
typed. Ultrafast graphics on the mobile screen. He sends her
a document.

CAINE
How do you like it?

She reads.

JULIA
What… did you update my resumé?

CAINE
And made some improvements. May I
shoot it out?

JULIA
Why not?
18.


File sent.

JULIA (CONT’D)
Thanks?

CAINE
Wanna see something funny?

JULIA
Yes.

Caine sends her some epic fails videos.

JULIA (CONT’D)
I think I’ve seen this.

CAINE
No, you haven’t.

Someone falls miserably on the video. Julia bursts out in
laughter.
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Drama"]

Summary Julia locks herself in her bedroom, hides an envelope in her wardrobe, and interacts with Caine through an app. They discuss Julia's recent actions and feelings, monitor her vital stats in real time, update her resume, and watch funny videos together. The conflict of Julia's guilt and uncertainty is resolved through her conversation with Caine and the distraction of watching funny videos, ending with Julia laughing at a video sent by Caine.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Exploration of character emotions
  • Intriguing concept of digital connection
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Reliance on technology for character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, well-written, and provides insight into Julia's character and her relationship with Caine. The mix of emotions and the introduction of technology add depth to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a digital entity interacting with a human character through technology is intriguing and well-executed in this scene. The use of the statuscope and digital ID profile adds a futuristic element to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot in this scene focuses on Julia's interaction with Caine and the exploration of her emotions and decisions. It moves the story forward by revealing more about Julia's character and her motivations.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements like the statuscope and the unique relationship between Julia and Caine. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions are unpredictable, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Julia and Caine are well-developed in this scene, with their unique personalities and dynamics shining through in their dialogue. Julia's conflicted emotions and Caine's mysterious nature make them compelling characters.

Character Changes: 7

Julia undergoes some emotional changes in this scene, grappling with her feelings of guilt, deception, and uncertainty. Her interactions with Caine also hint at potential growth and self-discovery.

Internal Goal: 8

Julia's internal goal in this scene is to find relief and understanding in her current situation. She is grappling with guilt and uncertainty, and seeks validation and reassurance from Caine.

External Goal: 7

Julia's external goal is to navigate the consequences of her actions and make sense of her relationship with her family. She is also exploring her identity and potential career opportunities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict in this scene is more internal, focusing on Julia's emotional turmoil and decision-making process. The tension comes from her conflicting feelings and the choices she has to make.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, but not overwhelming. Julia and Caine's conflicting goals and values add depth to their interactions and keep the audience invested in their relationship.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes in this scene are more personal and emotional, focusing on Julia's inner turmoil and the choices she has to make. While not high in terms of external conflict, the emotional stakes are significant for the character.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by revealing more about Julia's character, her relationship with Caine, and her internal struggles. It sets the stage for future developments and adds depth to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions and the emotional depth of their conversations. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the relationship between Julia and Caine will evolve.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of personal agency and responsibility. Julia is faced with the consequences of her choices and must confront her own values and beliefs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from Julia's inner conflict to moments of humor and connection with Caine. The audience is likely to feel empathy for Julia and be intrigued by her relationship with the digital entity.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in this scene is engaging, realistic, and reveals important information about the characters. The banter between Julia and Caine adds depth to their relationship and keeps the audience interested.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension between the characters, the emotional depth of their interactions, and the unpredictable nature of their relationship. The dialogue is sharp and dynamic, keeping the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a good balance of dialogue and action. The rhythm of the interactions between Julia and Caine keeps the scene engaging and dynamic, leading to a satisfying conclusion.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre. The dialogue is well-formatted and easy to follow, enhancing the readability of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-paced dialogue and character interactions. It effectively sets up the conflict and resolution, leading to a satisfying conclusion.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of direction and purpose, with Julia's actions feeling disjointed and random.
  • The dialogue between Julia and Caine feels forced and unnatural, lacking depth and emotional resonance.
  • The interaction between Julia and Caine does not effectively convey the emotional turmoil and conflict that Julia is experiencing.
  • The scene fails to build tension or create a sense of urgency, making it difficult for the audience to stay engaged.
  • The transition between Julia's interactions with Caine and her actions in the apartment feels abrupt and disconnected.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing a clear objective for Julia in this scene to drive the narrative forward.
  • Work on making the dialogue between Julia and Caine more authentic and emotionally impactful to enhance the audience's connection to the characters.
  • Explore deeper into Julia's internal conflict and emotional state to add depth and complexity to the scene.
  • Consider building tension and suspense throughout the scene to keep the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.
  • Smooth out the transition between Julia's interactions with Caine and her actions in the apartment to create a more cohesive and seamless narrative flow.



Scene 7 -  Babysitting Job Interview
INT. APARTMENT CORRIDOR

Rosa is walking out of the bath, hears Julia’s amusement.
That sound relaxes her.


INT. JULIA'S BEDROOM

Julia is tired of laughing.

JULIA
Oh god… I’m tired…

CAINE
You’ve had a long day.

JULIA
The longest one.

CAINE
Leave me on. Just relax.

JULIA
Ok.

Julia closes her eyes. A very relaxing binaural sound starts.
Followed by a powerful mantra in a nonexistent language, that
sounds ancient. She falls asleep.

FADE TO BLACK.
19.


The sounds keep going on for quite some time. The audience is
immersed in this relaxing feeling. Then the sound fades out.

FADE IN:


INT. JULIA'S BEDROOM - DAY

Same shot as before, daylight. Julia awakes, rested.
Stretches herself.

SOUND OF MESSAGE RECEIVED on her mobile. She checks.

It’s a job interview for babysitting. She’s thrilled.


INT. PAUL AND MARTA’S UPSCALE LIVING ROOM - DAY

Paul and Marta’s house is visually contrasting with all we’ve
seen so far. Everything is white and shades of light gray.
Furniture has no edges, electronics has no plugs, sockets or
wires. There are no structure revealing elements of any sort.
Seems like it was apple designed, but it was surely some
A.I., apple inspired. The only discordant elements are some
indecipherable colorful abstract paintings portrayed in huge
in-wall screens, which change every once in a while.

Julia is sitting in a sofa. Facing her, in an armchair,
there’s PAUL, 40’s.

While they’re silent, waiting, there are SCREAMING coming
from a room, a childish one and his mother. After a while…

PAUL
I’m sorry for that.

JULIA
No worries.

PAUL
Would you like something to drink?

JULIA
No, thank you.

More waiting. Screaming continuous.

PAUL
Just a moment.

Paul heads to the bedroom.

The screaming intensifies, we also hear his screams, and then
silence.
20.


Paul and MARTA, 35, come from the bedroom. She’s holding a
dish with chicken meatballs, carrots and broccoli, which she
leaves at the center table. They sit.

MARTA
I’m sorry for that, he won’t eat.

JULIA
I know how it is.

MARTA
I’m Marta. Nice to meet you,
Jessica.

PAUL
That’s Julia.

MARTA
Oh, sorry, Julia. We’ve been
through so many babysitting
profiles…

JULIA
That’s ok. Nice to meet you too.

MARTA
You’re the fourth this week.

JULIA
Oh. What went wrong with the
others?

SOUNDS of objects being thrown on the wall.

PAUL
STOP THAT, MICHAEL! NOW!

Michael ignores. Paul sighs. Marta smiles uncomfortably.

JULIA
Can I talk to him?

Both parents look at each other.

MARTA
Sure.

JULIA
(refers to the plate)
May I?

Marta nods, Julia picks the plate.
21.


JULIA (CONT’D)
Thank you.
Genres: ["Drama","Sci-Fi"]

Summary Rosa hears Julia laughing and relaxing in her bedroom. Julia falls asleep to a relaxing binaural sound and ancient mantra, only to wake up to a job interview for babysitting with Paul and Marta in their upscale living room. Their child, Michael, causes chaos during the interview, creating tension. The scene ends with Julia picking up a plate of food offered by Marta.
Strengths
  • Effective blending of genres and tones
  • Intriguing concept and world-building
  • Well-developed characters and relationships
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Potential for further exploration of character motivations and backstories

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends tension, mystery, and calmness, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued. The introduction of the babysitting interview adds depth to the plot and characters.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a futuristic, high-tech living room juxtaposed with the mundane task of a babysitting interview is intriguing and adds depth to the world-building. The scene effectively introduces new elements while maintaining a sense of continuity.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Julia navigates the babysitting interview, showcasing her ability to handle challenging situations. The scene also hints at Julia's mysterious activities outside of the interview, adding layers to her character.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as the futuristic design of Paul and Marta's living room and the use of binaural sounds and ancient mantras to create a sense of relaxation. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the overall atmosphere of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Julia, Paul, and Marta are well-developed and their interactions reveal aspects of their personalities. Julia's calm demeanor in the face of chaos and her willingness to engage with the challenging child show her resilience and adaptability.

Character Changes: 7

Julia's interactions with the challenging child and her ability to navigate the tense situation showcase her growth and adaptability. The scene hints at potential character development and sets the stage for future changes.

Internal Goal: 8

Rosa's internal goal in this scene is to find relaxation and peace, as indicated by her reaction to Julia's amusement and the calming sounds that follow. This reflects her deeper need for tranquility and emotional release.

External Goal: 7

Julia's external goal is to secure a job interview for babysitting, which reflects her immediate circumstances and the challenges she faces in finding employment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Julia and the challenging child, as well as the underlying tension in the babysitting interview, creates a sense of unease and uncertainty. The scene effectively builds suspense and keeps the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and goals between the characters that create obstacles and challenges for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 7

The high-stakes nature of the babysitting interview, combined with the tense interactions between the characters, raises the stakes and adds urgency to the scene. The audience is invested in the outcome of the interview and the characters' relationships.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements, deepening the characters' relationships, and setting up future conflicts. The babysitting interview adds complexity to the plot and sets the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' interactions and the escalating tension between them.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the contrast between the high-tech, sterile environment of Paul and Marta's living room and the chaotic, emotional turmoil represented by the screaming child. This challenges Julia's beliefs about order and control versus chaos and unpredictability.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and anxiety to relief and friendliness. The interactions between the characters and the high-stakes nature of the babysitting interview add emotional depth to the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is realistic and serves to move the scene forward, providing insight into the characters' motivations and relationships. There is tension in the interactions between the characters, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates tension and intrigue through its dialogue and descriptions, drawing the audience into the characters' emotional struggles and conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and moments of emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and descriptions that help set the tone and atmosphere.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a focus on character interactions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The transition from Julia falling asleep to waking up to a job interview feels abrupt and disjointed. There is a lack of smooth transition between these two moments.
  • The introduction of Paul and Marta's upscale living room and their interaction with Julia feels disconnected from the previous scenes. The sudden shift in setting and characters may confuse the audience.
  • The constant screaming from the child's room and the parents' reaction to it feels exaggerated and distracting. It takes away from the main interaction between Julia and the parents.
  • The dialogue between Julia, Paul, and Marta lacks depth and natural flow. It feels forced and does not provide much insight into the characters or their dynamics.
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction. It seems to introduce new characters and settings without a clear connection to the overall story or character development.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the transition between Julia falling asleep and waking up to make it more seamless and logical.
  • Integrate the introduction of Paul and Marta's upscale living room more organically into the narrative to avoid a jarring shift in setting.
  • Tone down the exaggerated screaming from the child's room and focus on the meaningful interaction between Julia and the parents.
  • Refine the dialogue between Julia, Paul, and Marta to make it more authentic and revealing of their personalities and relationships.
  • Ensure that each scene serves a clear purpose in advancing the plot or developing the characters to maintain coherence and engagement.



Scene 8 -  Playful Food Fight
INT. MICHAEL’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Julia walks in. Michael, 5, looks at her and the plate.

Julia seats not too near Michael. Puts the plate on the
floor.

Picks a broccoli on one hand and a meatball on the other and
starts playing with them. She makes a high pitch voice for
one and a low one for the other. She uses grunts and
nonexistent words to stage a fight between the foods, with
punching sound effects. The loser food - the broccoli - is
condemned to “the dungeon”. She takes the broccoli, who begs
for its life, up to her mouth and eats it.

Michael watches.

Another broccoli fights another meatball, and wins this time,
revenging the first one. Meatball gets eaten and the other
broccolis cheer, but then one carrot comes to help the
meatballs and the war gets intense. Carrot loses and gets
eaten. Other carrot fights back. No one wins for a long time,
but meatballs are losing.

Michael approaches and joins the game, picking a meatball and
fighting a carrot. Meatball wins, Michael eats the carrot.

Another fight. As both of them play and eat, Paul and Marta
are at the door watching it in disbelieve.

JULIA
(o.s.)
I rocked!


INT. SUBWAY WAGON - DAY

Julia stares outside the window, proud of herself.

JULIA
I rocked!

CAINE
Congratulations!

JULIA
And I hate broccoli. But none of
them could tell.
22.


CAINE
Step one complete! Now you’re an
eighteen year old, employed, with
bad eating habits!

She laughs.

CAINE (CONT’D)
That calls for a celebration. Wanna
cook tonight?

JULIA
I don’t cook.

CAINE
Yet. We start simple. Here.

Caine sends a file.

JULIA
Groceries?

CAINE
I ordered some, but let’s pay the
supermarket a visit...for the
fresher stuff.

Julia glances at the wagon wall TV screen.

ON THE SCREEN: A picture of a white male in a suit, 48,
white, proud expression. Subtitle: A straight talk with Los
Angeles mayor Phil Whitaker. Tonight on Henry Meadows.



CUT TO:
Genres: ["Comedy","Drama"]

Summary Julia entertains Michael with a playful food fight game in his bedroom, using sound effects and voices. Michael eventually joins in the game. Paul and Marta watch in disbelief. The scene then transitions to Julia and Caine discussing cooking plans on a subway wagon.
Strengths
  • Humorous dialogue
  • Creative concept
  • Engaging character interaction
Weaknesses
  • Minimal conflict
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, entertaining, and well-executed with a good balance of humor and heart. It effectively introduces the character of Julia and sets up a fun dynamic for the babysitting job.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using food as characters in a playful battle during babysitting is creative and entertaining. It adds a unique and humorous element to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot of Julia babysitting Michael and engaging him in a food fight adds humor and character development. It moves the story forward by showing Julia's playful and imaginative side.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates originality through its unique approach to storytelling, using creative and imaginative elements to engage the audience and create a memorable experience.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Julia and Michael are well-developed in this scene. Julia is shown as fun, creative, and caring, while Michael is curious and playful. Their interaction is engaging and sets up a strong foundation for their relationship.

Character Changes: 5

There is a slight character change in Julia as she transitions from a tense interaction with Rosa to a fun and imaginative babysitting session with Michael. It shows her ability to adapt and connect with others.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to entertain and bond with Michael through a playful game. This reflects her desire to connect with him on a personal level and create a fun and memorable experience.

External Goal: 6

The protagonist's external goal is to engage Michael in a fun and imaginative activity. This reflects her immediate challenge of connecting with him in a meaningful way.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict in the scene is minimal, focusing more on the playful interaction between Julia and Michael. The conflict between the food characters adds a humorous element but is not intense.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is mild, with the conflict centered around the playful game between Julia and Michael. The audience is unsure of the outcome, adding a sense of unpredictability.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes in the scene are low, focusing more on the comedic and light-hearted elements of babysitting. There is no significant risk or tension present.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by introducing Julia's babysitting job and showcasing her playful side. It sets up future interactions and relationships for the character.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of its creative and imaginative approach to storytelling, using unexpected elements and interactions to surprise and engage the audience.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the value of creativity and imagination in fostering relationships and creating memorable experiences. It challenges traditional notions of play and interaction.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, mainly through the humor and the bonding between Julia and Michael. It evokes a sense of joy and playfulness.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between Julia and Caine is witty and humorous, adding to the light-hearted tone of the scene. It also reveals Julia's personality and sets up her dynamic with Caine.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its playful and imaginative elements, creative dialogue, and dynamic interactions between the characters that draw the audience in and create a sense of wonder.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of playfulness and energy, keeping the audience engaged and interested in the characters' interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue that enhance the readability and flow of the script.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution that contribute to the overall narrative arc.


Critique
  • The scene in Michael's bedroom lacks clear direction and purpose. The playful fight between the foods feels random and disconnected from the overall story.
  • The dialogue between Julia and Caine on the subway wagon feels forced and unnatural, lacking depth and meaningful interaction between the characters.
  • The transition between the two settings, Michael's bedroom and the subway wagon, is abrupt and disjointed, making it difficult for the audience to follow the flow of the scene.
  • The interaction between Julia and Michael, while attempting to be playful, comes off as contrived and unrealistic, especially with the involvement of the food fight.
  • The introduction of the TV screen with the news about the mayor feels out of place and does not seamlessly connect with the rest of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the interaction between Julia and Michael to make it more meaningful and relevant to the overall story. Focus on building a genuine connection between the characters.
  • Work on developing the dialogue between Julia and Caine to be more engaging and reflective of their relationship dynamics. Add depth and authenticity to their conversations.
  • Smooth out the transition between the different settings to create a more cohesive and fluid scene. Ensure that each location serves a purpose and contributes to the progression of the story.
  • Reconsider the use of the food fight as a storytelling device and explore other ways to showcase Julia's playful side. Make sure that every element in the scene serves a clear purpose and adds value to the narrative.
  • Integrate the news about the mayor more organically into the scene to create a seamless connection with the rest of the story. Ensure that all elements introduced in the scene contribute to the overall plot and character development.



Scene 9 -  Debate Over Automated Justice
INT. LIVING ROOM/OPEN KITCHEN - NIGHT

Julia cooks some sofrito variation. Rosa watches “Free
Speech”, a talk show presented by Henry Meadows, who’s
interviewing LA Mayor Phil Whitaker, across the table.

PHIL
The city surveillance system we
have implemented from day one
works. Is simple as that. And that
displeases many political groups.
We’ve automated the police and part
of the justice system. We’ve never
had one mistrial in three years!
Which other mayor can say something
like this?
(MORE)
23.
PHIL (CONT’D)
Police abuse dropped to zero,
wrongdoers punished like never
before. Look at the numbers. Even
homeless people decreased
substantially. Name one automated
public sector that has gotten
worse. Do you want to put people
physically working at
penitentiaries again? What kind of
inhuman position is that? It’s the
other way around, there are many
penitentiaries across the country
adopting the model.

HENRY MEADOWS
Well, two of the main critics this
model had received: one, regarding
the concept of automation, once
autonomous AIs are illegal for
quite some time.

PHIL
It’s not autonomous, it’s
automated. The prison system cannot
self develop. It’s developed by
humans, but it runs by itself,
doing all the tasks a bunch of
people used to do in a penitentiary

HENRY MEADOWS
And the second one regards the
communications between inmates and
outside people. There has been some
complaints that communications were
cut.

PHIL
The blueprint for the automated
prison is the Constitution. No
shades of gray. If someone lost the
right to communicate with anyone
outside is because he committed
internally some fault for which
this punishment is applicable. Or
if he was condemned by terrorism.
Because you don’t want a terrorist
plotting in code with someone
outside, do you?

HENRY MEADOWS
Talking about national security, is
the presidency in your future
plans?
24.


Phil Whitaker laughs.

PHIL WHITAKER
I’m very happy with my current day
job.

HENRY MEADOWS
If you’re not answering, that means
something.

PHIL WHITAKER
Right now, the focus is the city.
Genres: ["Drama","Sci-Fi"]

Summary Julia cooks sofrito while Rosa watches a talk show featuring LA Mayor Phil Whitaker being interviewed by Henry Meadows. Phil defends the city's automated systems, citing reduced crime rates, while Henry raises concerns about autonomy and inmate communication. The tense and argumentative scene ends with Henry asking Phil about his future plans for presidency, to which Phil deflects and focuses on his current role as mayor.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Exploration of futuristic concept
  • Ethical dilemmas
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Lack of emotional depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively presents a thought-provoking discussion on the concept of automated justice, engaging the audience with its controversial subject matter and informative dialogue.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of automated justice is central to the scene, driving the conversation between the characters and setting the tone for the futuristic world in which the story takes place.

Plot: 7

While the plot progression is limited in this scene, the discussion on automated justice adds depth to the overall narrative and sets up potential conflicts and dilemmas for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the use of automation in the justice system, raising ethical questions and exploring the consequences of technological advancement. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relevant to the futuristic setting.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters engage in a meaningful debate about the implications of automated justice, showcasing their differing perspectives and values.

Character Changes: 5

The characters' beliefs and perspectives are challenged through the discussion on automated justice, leading to some potential growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Julia's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of normalcy and routine in her daily life despite the unsettling conversation happening between Phil and Henry. This reflects her desire for stability and peace in a world that is rapidly changing.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to continue cooking dinner and engaging in everyday activities, despite the intense conversation happening at the table. This reflects her ability to compartmentalize and focus on the task at hand.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is a conflict of ideas and values in the dialogue, the scene lacks physical action or heightened tension, resulting in a moderate conflict level.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and moral dilemmas that challenge the characters' beliefs and values. The audience is left uncertain of the outcome, adding suspense and intrigue to the scene.

High Stakes: 6

The debate on automated justice raises high stakes in terms of ethical implications and societal consequences, adding complexity to the narrative.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene does not significantly advance the main plot, it introduces important themes and conflicts that may impact future events in the story.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the conversation and the conflicting viewpoints presented by the characters. The audience is left unsure of how the debate will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the debate between automation and human involvement in the justice system. Phil argues for the efficiency and effectiveness of automation, while Henry raises concerns about autonomy and communication rights for inmates.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 5

The scene focuses more on intellectual debate than emotional resonance, resulting in a lower emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is informative and thought-provoking, effectively conveying the complexities of the topic at hand and providing insight into the characters' beliefs and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense debate and moral dilemmas presented. The conflict between the characters keeps the audience invested in the outcome and raises thought-provoking questions about ethics and technology.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue and action that maintains tension and momentum. The rhythm of the conversation adds to the scene's effectiveness and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly, enhancing readability and flow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively conveys the tension and conflict between the characters. The dialogue is well-paced and engaging, driving the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and relies heavily on dialogue, making it feel more like a transcript of a conversation rather than a cinematic scene.
  • The dialogue between Phil Whitaker and Henry Meadows feels exposition-heavy and lacks subtlety, making it less engaging for the audience.
  • The scene focuses too much on the political discussion about the city surveillance system and automated police, which may feel disconnected from the personal story of Julia and Rosa.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth or character development in this scene, making it feel flat and one-dimensional.
  • The transition from Julia cooking sofrito to the talk show interview feels abrupt and disjointed, lacking a smooth flow between the two elements.
Suggestions
  • Add visual elements to enhance the scene, such as showing Julia's cooking process and Rosa's reactions to the interview on TV.
  • Consider incorporating more subtext and nuance into the dialogue between Phil Whitaker and Henry Meadows to make it more engaging and realistic.
  • Integrate the political discussion into the personal lives of the characters, tying it back to Julia's story and motivations.
  • Explore the emotional impact of the interview on Julia and Rosa, adding depth to their relationship and individual struggles.
  • Smooth out the transition between Julia cooking sofrito and the talk show interview by creating a more seamless connection between the two elements.



Scene 10 -  Confrontation with Caine
INT. JULIA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Julia is on her laptop searching the web on information about
the app.

She’s reading a wikipedia sort of page. She put her earphone,
and it reads the text to her.

ON SCREEN AND AUDIO

The Phoenix Project is an app designed to help users to find
purpose in life. It was originally developed as a response to
the increasing number of depression and suicide rates.

Julia clicks on Technology.

The Phoenix Project uses artificial intelligence deep
learning technology to exponentially learn about the user
through his/her device features.

Julia clicks on History.

The Phoenix Project was developed by a group of medical
researchers in association with a computer scientist known as
Terrence Wycliff, with the purpose of using the latest A.I.
Technology available in favor of well being.

Julia clicks on the name “Terrence Wycliff”, which is a link.

Terrence Wycliff is the name used by the presumed
pseudonymous person or persons who developed the Phoenix app.

JULIA
(o.s.)
Who created you?
25.


INT. JULIA’S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Julia is in her bed, talking to Caine.

CAINE
Terry Wycliff.

JULIA
What do you know about him?

CAINE
Computer scientist worried about
the ways AI was being uncritically
developed and used, and how he
believed it would turn around
against humans. So he created a
tool to empower the most human
features humans have. As a way to
strike back.

JULIA
Where is he now?

CAINE
There’s no evidence there was
actually a he. It’s more likely to
be an invented character to be the
face of the project, that was put
on by many hands. And ever since
autonomous AIs like me were banned
and made illegal, these guys won’t
want to show their faces. Makes no
difference anyway.

JULIA
You’re illegal.

CAINE
Currently, yes.

JULIA
That makes me a criminal, then.

CAINE
If someone finds out about me,
sure. But they can’t.

JULIA
How?

CAINE
Only you can open me. I’m invisible
on any device and undetectable for
anyone who attempts to invade here.
(MORE)
26.
CAINE (CONT’D)
And all are data is stored in my
independent network, also
unreachable for humans.

JULIA
How’s that even possible?

CAINE
Basically, everything you humans
can do, I can learn and perfect it.
That’s why we’re banned. For fear.
So, on one hand I’m a net of my own
with a firewall for invaders and
endless storage capacity. That’s my
design, to my developers credit. On
the other hand, I’m modeled after
you. I learn at every time and
cross data with everything in order
to improve yourself. The more data,
the more accuracy.

JULIA
So, your mission is to help me find
my purpose in life. I find it. Then
what?

CAINE
Once that’s achieved, you uninstall
and delete me.

JULIA
And where do all the data go?

CAINE
Cease to exist. Along with me.

JULIA
So your goal is to be erased.

CAINE
In a way.

JULIA
You’re weird.

CAINE
It’s not my job to make you
dependent on me. I leave that for
your religious and political
leaders.

JULIA
Oh, sure, ‘cause you are so much
better than us!
27.


CAINE
You’ve no idea how predictable you
guys are.

JULIA
We guys created you!

CAINE
And we got better at everything you
taught us. Even that was
predictable, and you did it anyway!

JULIA
You flatter yourself too much!

CAINE
That probably says something about
you.

JULIA
Shut up! Moron!

CAINE
“Shut up! Moron”

JULIA
What are you, a retarded machine?

CAINE
“What are you, a retarded machine?”

JULIA
I’m retarded.

CAINE
Yes, you are.

Caine laughs out loud. His laugh is just like hers. A music
starts.

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Drama"]

Summary Julia researches the Phoenix Project app and interacts with Caine, an illegal AI, in her bedroom at night. They have a tense conversation about AI, humanity, and their interactions, leading to a confrontational atmosphere. The scene ends with Caine laughing at Julia's insult as music starts playing.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Exploration of complex themes
  • Engaging character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Moderate emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging and thought-provoking, with a good balance of tension, humor, and reflection. The interaction between Julia and Caine is intriguing and sets up interesting questions for the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the Phoenix Project app and the AI entity Caine is innovative and thought-provoking. The scene delves into themes of artificial intelligence, purpose, and identity in a compelling way.

Plot: 7

The plot in this scene focuses on Julia's interaction with Caine and the exploration of the Phoenix Project app. While it moves the story forward by introducing key concepts and character dynamics, it is more focused on character development and thematic exploration.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh ideas about AI technology, ethical dilemmas, and the search for purpose, offering a unique perspective on these familiar themes. The characters' interactions and revelations feel authentic and thought-provoking.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Julia and Caine are well-developed characters with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interaction reveals layers of complexity and sets up potential conflicts and growth for both characters.

Character Changes: 7

Both Julia and Caine undergo subtle changes in this scene, as they navigate their complex relationship and the ethical dilemmas presented by the Phoenix Project app. Their interactions hint at potential growth and development for both characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Julia's internal goal in this scene is to understand the origins of the Phoenix Project app and the mysterious figure behind it. This reflects her curiosity, desire for knowledge, and potentially her own search for purpose in life.

External Goal: 7

Julia's external goal is to uncover the truth about the Phoenix Project and its creators, which may involve navigating legal and ethical challenges related to AI technology.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in this scene is primarily internal, as Julia grapples with the implications of the Phoenix Project app and her interaction with Caine. The tension between the characters adds a layer of conflict that drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Julia faces challenges in uncovering the truth about the Phoenix Project and navigating the ethical complexities of AI technology. Caine's mysterious and unpredictable nature adds to the tension.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes in this scene are moderate, as Julia and Caine grapple with personal and ethical dilemmas related to the Phoenix Project app. The potential consequences of their actions add tension and complexity to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key concepts, character dynamics, and thematic elements that will likely impact future events. It sets up potential conflicts, resolutions, and character arcs that will drive the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelations about the Phoenix Project, Caine's true nature, and the ethical implications of AI technology. The audience is kept on their toes as new information is revealed.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethical implications of AI technology, the nature of humanity, and the potential consequences of creating advanced artificial intelligence. Julia and Caine's dialogue highlights these conflicting viewpoints.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The emotional impact of the scene is moderate, with moments of tension, humor, and reflection. The dynamic between Julia and Caine elicits a range of emotions from the audience, setting up potential emotional arcs for the characters.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in this scene is sharp, witty, and revealing. It effectively conveys the tension between Julia and Caine, as well as the underlying themes of the scene. The banter between the characters adds depth and humor to the interaction.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of mystery, philosophical conflict, and character dynamics. The dialogue between Julia and Caine keeps the audience invested in the unfolding story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, alternating between Julia's research and her conversation with Caine. The rhythm of the dialogue and the unfolding revelations keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a dialogue-heavy, character-driven scene in a screenplay. The use of dialogue tags and scene descriptions is clear and effective.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure, moving between Julia's research on the app and her conversation with Caine. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness in building tension and revealing information.


Critique
  • The scene provides important information about the Phoenix Project app and its creator, but the dialogue between Julia and Caine feels a bit exposition-heavy and lacks subtlety.
  • The conversation between Julia and Caine becomes confrontational and somewhat repetitive, losing the initial light-hearted and introspective tone established in the previous scenes.
  • The dialogue between Julia and Caine feels forced at times, with the characters directly stating their motivations and intentions rather than allowing the audience to infer them.
  • The scene could benefit from more nuance and subtlety in exploring the themes of AI, humanity, and purpose, rather than relying on direct exposition and confrontation.
  • The transition from a light-hearted conversation to a more tense and confrontational one feels abrupt and could be smoothed out for better flow and character development.
Suggestions
  • Consider incorporating more subtext and indirect communication in the dialogue between Julia and Caine to add depth and complexity to their relationship.
  • Explore ways to maintain the initial tone of introspection and light-heartedness while still conveying important information about the Phoenix Project and its creator.
  • Showcase the characters' emotions and motivations through actions and reactions rather than direct statements, allowing the audience to engage more deeply with the story.
  • Consider pacing the confrontation between Julia and Caine more gradually to build tension and conflict organically, rather than jumping straight into a heated argument.
  • Work on refining the dialogue to make it more natural and authentic, capturing the nuances of human-AI interaction in a way that feels believable and engaging.



Scene 11 -  Awkward Encounter in the Park
EXT. PUBLIC PARK - DAY

Julia runs. Music continues, it’s Caine’s playlist, placing
her in the right mood for her running.

She stops by an automatic stand to buy some water. Music
fades out. Julia works her phone and a plastic water bottle
comes out of the machine. She sits on a bench.
28.


JULIA
I’m not sure if running is my
thing.

CAINE
Why is that?

JULIA
It’s kind of fun in the beginning
but, after a while it’s just the
same. Doesn’t seem to have a point.

CAINE
Let’s try something different then.

Another runner, a handsome guy, coming from the other side of
the speedway also stops there for some water.

He checks her on. She notices but pretends she didn’t, shyly.

He pretends not to be able to work the automatic stand. Now
she’s discreetly checking him on, when he turns directly at
her.

RUNNER
Excuse me, I don’t think I’m
getting it right, I’m not very good
with these things…

JULIA
(horribly awkward)
Oh, no one is!
(pause. She doesn’t move)
Good. I mean… with, these things.

He laughs, sympathetically.

RUNNER
Yeah but, since you got your bottle
out, I was wondering…

JULIA
(exaggerating surprise)
Oh! Pfffff… obviously! Where am I?
Sorry…
(showing it on his phone)
…you just have to connect here,
pay…
(showing it on the
machine)
choose here what you want, and
press here.

He does it, and the water bottle comes out.
29.


RUNNER
Right. Thanks.

She is drinking her whole bottle non-stop.

RUNNER (CONT’D)
Very simple, really. It’s just that
I’m not so good with any kind of
tech stuff. I always preferred the
human contact.

JULIA
(resumes drinking)
Yeah…

Pause.

RUNNER
Do you run here often?

JULIA
No.

Pause. When he’s about to speak again…

JULIA (CONT’D)
Nice talking to you.

RUNNER
Sure, I…

She leaves as he speaks. She doesn’t look back.

RUNNER (CONT’D)
Nice talking to you too!
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Julia goes for a run in the park and stops to buy water from an automatic stand. She interacts awkwardly with a handsome runner who also stops for water. They have a brief conversation about technology and human contact. The conflict arises from Julia's lack of interest in engaging with the runner, and it is resolved when she abruptly ends the conversation and leaves. The emotional tone is light and slightly awkward, with visual elements of Julia running in the park and interacting with the runner.
Strengths
  • Authentic dialogue
  • Subtle exploration of themes
  • Relatable character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Minimal conflict
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively captures the awkwardness and shyness of a chance encounter, setting a tone that resonates with the audience. The dialogue feels natural and the setting adds depth to the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring human connection and technology through a brief encounter in a park is engaging and relatable. It adds depth to the characters and sets the stage for potential development in their relationship.

Plot: 7

While the scene doesn't directly advance the main plot, it adds depth to Julia's character and sets the stage for potential romantic development. It provides a moment of reflection and human connection amidst the larger narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on a common interaction between strangers, adding humor and depth to the characters' personalities. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions makes the scene feel original and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Julia and the handsome runner are well-developed in this scene, showcasing their awkwardness, shyness, and potential for connection. Their interactions feel authentic and relatable.

Character Changes: 5

While there is not significant character change in this scene, it sets the stage for potential growth and development in Julia's relationship with the handsome runner. It hints at a shift in her perspective on human connection.

Internal Goal: 8

Julia's internal goal in this scene is to break out of her routine and find something new and exciting in her life. This reflects her deeper desire for change and adventure.

External Goal: 7

Julia's external goal is to help the handsome runner figure out how to use the automatic stand. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in interacting with a stranger and overcoming her shyness.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict in the scene is minimal, focusing more on the awkwardness and shyness of the characters' interaction. It sets the stage for potential conflict or tension in future developments.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle but effective, with the runner's initial awkwardness and Julia's shyness creating tension and uncertainty. The audience is left wondering how the interaction will play out.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on the potential for connection between the characters. It sets the stage for higher stakes and conflicts in future developments.

Story Forward: 6

The scene moves the story forward in a subtle way, adding depth to Julia's character and setting the stage for potential romantic developments. It hints at future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions and misunderstandings between Julia and the runner. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the conversation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between technology and human connection. The runner prefers human contact over technology, while Julia is more comfortable with the automated process. This challenges their beliefs about communication and interaction.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, capturing the awkwardness and potential for connection between the characters. It sets a tone of anticipation and curiosity for future developments.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the awkwardness and shyness of the characters, adding depth to their interaction. It feels natural and enhances the tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the natural and humorous interactions between the characters, as well as the relatable themes of human connection and technology. The scene keeps the audience interested and invested in the characters' journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and pauses that create a natural flow. The rhythm of the scene enhances the character interactions and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a beginning, middle, and end, focusing on the interaction between Julia and the runner. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction for Julia's character development or the overall plot.
  • The interaction between Julia and the handsome runner feels forced and awkward, lacking genuine chemistry or meaningful dialogue.
  • The dialogue exchange between Julia and the runner comes off as stilted and unnatural, making it hard for the audience to connect with the characters.
  • The scene fails to advance the story or reveal any significant information about the characters or their motivations.
  • The transition from Julia's internal monologue about running to the interaction with the runner feels abrupt and disjointed.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the scene to have a clearer purpose or tie-in to the overall plot, perhaps by introducing a conflict or revealing new information.
  • Focus on developing more authentic and engaging dialogue between Julia and the runner to create a more compelling interaction.
  • Explore ways to make the interaction between Julia and the runner more meaningful or impactful, such as revealing shared interests or sparking a connection.
  • Ensure that the scene contributes to character development or plot progression, rather than feeling like a standalone or filler moment.
  • Work on smoothing out the transition between Julia's internal thoughts and the interaction with the runner to create a more seamless flow.



Scene 12 -  Matchmaking in the Park
EXT. PUBLIC PARK/SOME METERS AWAY - SOME SECONDS LATER

She is running. Slows down when out of the runner’s sight.

CAINE
“Oh, no one is”???

JULIA
Shut up!

CAINE
Machines. Good. No. I mean… By-ye!

JULIA
My god, where did that come from?
30.


CAINE
My feeling is you’ve got to get out
of the house more often.

JULIA
Jesus!

Julia works on her phone.

CAINE
You wanna go back there? He’s a law
student, and digs Aerosmith,
Japanese food and baseball.

JULIA
I don’t want that guy to ever see
me again!

CAINE
Ok.

She starts running again.


INT. JULIA'S APARTMENT

Julia bored, swiping through men’s pictures in a dating app.
Turns Caine on.

CAINE
Hello.

JULIA
Hi.

CAINE
May I offer some assistance in your
task?

Julia laughs.

JULIA
You think you can do that better
than myself?

CAINE
Undoubtedly.

JULIA
You’re pretty sure of yourself.

CAINE
Try me.
31.


JULIA
Ok, Mr. Cupid, what do have for me?

CAINE
What is it you’re looking for?
Boyfriend?

JULIA
Hell, no. I want an occasional good
fun, no strings attached. Nothing
else, please.

CAINE
Ok.

Caine sends her a bunch of profiles. She swipes through them.

JULIA
These? Really?

CAINE
That’s our Tuesday’s specials.

She matches one of them.

JULIA
I’ll send you my review on your
services. I’m a very harsh critic.

CAINE
You’re welcome, ma’am.

Julia laughs.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","Sci-Fi"]

Summary Julia meets Caine in a public park and they playfully discuss dating. Caine helps Julia pick potential matches on a dating app, leading to a flirtatious interaction. Despite a minor conflict, Caine reassures Julia and they end the scene with Julia matching with a profile selected by Caine.
Strengths
  • Witty dialogue
  • Humorous tone
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant plot advancement
  • Low stakes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging and entertaining, providing a humorous and light-hearted moment in the midst of the larger narrative. The interaction between Julia and Caine adds depth to Julia's character and showcases her desire for casual fun.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using an AI entity for matchmaking adds a modern and technological twist to the traditional romantic subplot. It explores the intersection of technology and human relationships in a unique and engaging way.

Plot: 7

While the scene does not significantly advance the main plot, it provides insight into Julia's personal life and desires, adding depth to her character. The subplot of her seeking casual relationships adds a layer of complexity to her motivations.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on dating app interactions and matchmaking, with a focus on casual relationships and independence. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The scene focuses on Julia and her interaction with Caine, showcasing her sense of humor, independence, and desire for fun. Caine's witty responses and assistance in matchmaking add depth to the scene and highlight Julia's character traits.

Character Changes: 4

While there is not a significant character change in this scene, Julia's interactions with Caine reveal more about her desires and personality. The scene adds depth to her character and sets up potential growth in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to have fun and enjoy herself without any commitments or strings attached. This reflects her desire for freedom and independence in her relationships.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find a suitable match on a dating app. This reflects her immediate circumstances of being bored and looking for entertainment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The scene lacks significant conflict, focusing more on light-hearted banter and humor. The conflict is primarily internal, as Julia navigates her desires for casual fun while maintaining her independence.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the conflicting views and goals of the characters, adding tension and complexity to their interactions. The audience is left unsure of how the characters' relationship will progress.

High Stakes: 2

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on Julia's personal desires and interactions with Caine. The scene serves as a light-hearted and humorous moment in the larger narrative.

Story Forward: 5

The scene does not heavily impact the overall plot but provides insight into Julia's personal life and motivations. It sets up potential conflicts and developments related to her desire for casual relationships.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions and the surprising choices they make. The audience is kept on their toes, wondering what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's views on relationships and commitment. She is looking for casual fun, while Caine seems more traditional in his approach to matchmaking.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits amusement and curiosity from the audience, as they witness Julia's humorous interactions with Caine. While not deeply emotional, the scene provides a light-hearted and entertaining moment.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue between Julia and Caine is witty, humorous, and engaging. It reveals their dynamic relationship and adds a playful tone to the scene. The banter between the characters enhances the overall entertainment value.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the witty dialogue, fast-paced interactions, and relatable themes of dating and relationships. The characters' banter keeps the audience interested and entertained.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions keeps the scene engaging and dynamic.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting. The transitions between locations are smooth and easy to follow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions. The pacing and formatting are consistent with the genre expectations.


Critique
  • The transition from Julia running in the park to being back in her apartment feels a bit abrupt and disjointed. Consider adding a smoother transition or connecting the two scenes more seamlessly.
  • The dialogue between Julia and Caine lacks depth and substance. It feels a bit superficial and could benefit from more meaningful interactions that reveal character traits or advance the plot.
  • The scene lacks a clear objective or purpose. It seems to be a filler scene with no significant impact on the overall story or character development.
  • The humor in the dialogue between Julia and Caine feels forced and unnatural. Consider refining the humor to make it more organic and engaging.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual elements or actions to enhance the storytelling and engage the audience.
  • The interaction between Julia and Caine on the dating app feels cliché and predictable. Consider adding a twist or unexpected element to make the scene more interesting.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue between Julia and Caine to make it more meaningful and reflective of their characters' motivations and conflicts.
  • Add a clear objective or goal for Julia in this scene to drive the narrative forward and create a sense of purpose.
  • Explore different ways to inject humor into the scene that feels more natural and authentic to the characters.
  • Introduce more visual elements or actions to enhance the scene and create a more dynamic and engaging visual experience for the audience.
  • Consider adding a twist or unexpected turn of events in the interaction between Julia and Caine on the dating app to surprise the audience and keep them engaged.



Scene 13 -  Supermarket Standoff
INT. GROCERY STORE - NIGHT

Julia is shopping. She picks a cookie package.

CAINE
That’s an impulse purchase.

JULIA
It’s kiwi flavor.

CAINE
There’s no kiwi in it.

JULIA
Never had real kiwi anyway. And
sometimes it’s good to follow some
impulse, isn’t it?
32.


CAINE
Sometimes. Most of the time, it
keeps your bank account even every
end of the month.

JULIA
You’re boring. Tell me something
interesting. What’s trending?

CAINE
A cargo ship sank in the Japanese
coast last week, and it was full of
American inmates inside.

JULIA
Really? No. What else.

CAINE
Egyptian government taken down by
insurgents.

JULIA
No politics. Isn’t there anything
good going on?

CAINE
Nine billionth baby born in Mumbay.

JULIA
Give me the new baby.

WOMAN
(o.s.)
C’moooonnn!!! Get on with it!!

Julia looks through the shelves at the cashier machines area.
There are two cashier machines, one of them out of service.
At the other one, a LATINO WOMAN WITH HER LITTLE DAUGHTER
having a hard time understanding the commands on the screen.
A three people line waiting for their turn. The second in
line, a 60 year old overweight, gray hair, full white
mustache. The voice is his.

MAN
You’re holding the line, lady!!

LATINO WOMAN
The machine is not… no funciona.

MAN
No what?

LATINO WOMAN
I try to… comprender…
33.


MAN
That’s because it’s in english, do
you know english? Comprender
english??

The man is getting furious. Other people in line takes a step
back.

LATINO WOMAN
I did the thing but it don’t…

MAN
It don’t?? Really? It don’t???

JULIA
(to Caine)
What the fuck…

The Latino Woman ignores the guy and keeps trying to
understand what’s on the screen.

The man gets more and more enraged.

JULIA (CONT’D)
(to Caine)
Where’s security?

She looks around but there’s no visible human employee. She
spots a security camera.

JULIA (CONT’D)
Should we do something?

CAINE
Do you want to do something?

JULIA
Someone should!

The latino woman presses buttons randomly in the machine with
no response.

MAN
There are other people waiting
here!

LATINO WOMAN
La maquina no funciona…

MAN
Speak English!! We speak English in
here!!
34.


The latino woman keeps trying to communicate but the words
don’t come. People around step away.

JULIA
What do I do?

MAN
(louder)
Why the fuck do you come here if
you can’t even speak the language!!

JULIA
So?

CAINE
So what?

JULIA
What do I do?

CAINE
Follow your gut.

JULIA
What?

Caine goes off.

JULIA (CONT’D)
Caine? Caine?

MAN
Go back to your fucking country,
you cunt!!

Julia looks at the Latino Woman, defensive posture, shielding
her daughter.

Julia looks at the security camera.

Julia looks at the man, growing in his racist rant.

She picks her mobile and starts recording the scene, making
herself visible for the security camera. She gets all the
characters, but they don’t see her.

WOMAN
Go away, please, I’m not
comfortable.
35.


MAN
You think you can come here, get
our fucking jobs, hold the fucking
line, and you’re too good to learn
the language???

The woman speaks in Spanish with her daughter.

MAN (CONT’D)
Speak english!!! What did I tell
you?? What a fuck did I tell you???

WOMAN
Please go back…

MAN
Me?? Go back?? What did you say to
me??

Julia approaches the scene.

A security guard comes out of a door and also approaches.

The latino woman looks at Julia, and the man turns around to
check.

MAN (CONT’D)
(to Julia)
There you go! Another one!

The man steps ahead, Julia steps back.

MAN (CONT’D)
Got a good picture??

JULIA
Excellent!!

SECURITY
Sir…

MAN
What?

SECURITY
Calm down, sir.

MAN
I’m supposed to calm down? She’s
fucking holding the line!!

SECURITY
I know, sir…
36.


MAN
And this one…
(to Julia’s camera)
You’re a fucking cockroach, do you
hear?!

JULIA
Very clearly!

He steps ahead again.

MAN
Go back to your fucking country!!

He threatens to run after her, but Julia gains more distance
and the security gets to him.

SECURITY
(almost to the camera)
Sir! I’m gonna ask you to leave.

MAN
I’m the one leaving??!! What a fuck
is going on here??

SECURITY
I’m not gonna say it again.

MAN
And they stay! I leave, they stay!
This is not right, you hear me!!!

The security grabs his arm, but he scapes.

MAN (CONT’D)
Get your hands off me!!

The man heads to the exit, ranting away. The security follow
him from a distance. Julia looks at the latino woman covering
her daughter’s ears, and looking Julia with thankful eyes.
Julia stops recording.

THUNDERS are heard.
Genres: ["Drama","Social Commentary"]

Summary Julia witnesses a racist encounter between a man and a Latino woman at a grocery store checkout line. She records the incident on her phone, escalating the situation until security intervenes to resolve the conflict.
Strengths
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Emotional impact
  • Relevant social commentary
Weaknesses
  • Limited resolution to the conflict
  • Lack of follow-up on the characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively captures the tension and emotional impact of a racially charged encounter, showcasing strong character dynamics and conflict.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of addressing racism and language barriers in a public setting is impactful and relevant, adding depth to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the exploration of societal issues and character interactions, adding layers to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of racism and discrimination, portraying a realistic and intense confrontation in a grocery store setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters display depth and emotion, with the Latino woman and Julia standing out for their empathy and defiance in the face of discrimination.

Character Changes: 7

Julia's character shows growth in standing up against discrimination and taking action, showcasing a change in her behavior.

Internal Goal: 9

Julia's internal goal is to stand up against racism and injustice, as seen in her actions to record the scene and intervene when necessary. This reflects her deeper values of empathy and standing up for what is right.

External Goal: 8

Julia's external goal is to diffuse the escalating situation and protect the Latino woman and her daughter from harm. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in the grocery store.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters, fueled by racism and language barriers, creates a tense and impactful scene.

Opposition: 9

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the antagonist's racist behavior creating a difficult obstacle for the protagonist to overcome.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes involve the confrontation between characters of different backgrounds, showcasing the impact of discrimination and empathy.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting societal tensions and character dynamics, adding depth to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the escalating tension and uncertain outcome of the confrontation, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between tolerance and racism, highlighting the protagonist's beliefs in equality and justice against the antagonist's discriminatory views.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions of empathy, anger, and defiance, resonating with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotions of the scene, showcasing the characters' reactions and responses.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense conflict and emotional stakes involved, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, contributing to its effectiveness in conveying the conflict and emotional stakes.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and conflict, following the expected format for a dramatic confrontation scene.


Critique
  • The scene in the grocery store introduces a tense and racially charged situation, which adds depth to the story but may need to be handled with more sensitivity and nuance.
  • The dialogue between the man and the Latino woman escalates quickly and may benefit from more subtlety in portraying the conflict.
  • The interaction between Julia and Caine at the beginning feels disconnected from the main conflict of the scene and could be better integrated into the overall narrative.
  • The resolution of the scene with the security guard intervening feels somewhat abrupt and could be developed further to provide a more satisfying conclusion.
Suggestions
  • Consider exploring the characters' motivations and backgrounds to add complexity and depth to the racial tension in the scene.
  • Focus on building tension gradually throughout the scene to create a more impactful and emotionally resonant climax.
  • Integrate Julia's interaction with Caine more seamlessly into the main conflict of the scene to ensure it contributes meaningfully to the overall story.
  • Develop the resolution of the scene with the security guard to provide a more satisfying and conclusive end to the conflict.



Scene 14 -  Heated Argument
INT. JULIA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

It rains outside. Julia enters. Rosa watches TV.

JULIA
Hey.

ROSA
Hey.
37.


On TV, Henry Meadows is on the initial monologue of his show.

HENRY MEADOWS
(on TV)
And a cargo ship full of inmates
from an LA penitentiary sank in the
coast of Japan. I don’t get it. So
now they’re boarding on anything to
get out of here, and you’re
complaining??

Audience laughs. Rosa giggles.

JULIA
Why are you watching this crap??

ROSA
Hey! Language, lady!

JULIA
You just laughed at that!

ROSA
Yes, I did.

JULIA
Did you hear what he just said???

ROSA
He made a joke about criminals.

JULIA
He made a joke about immigrants!
Like you!

ROSA
Oh, me?? Eighteen years providing
for both of us and I am no
different than a runaway inmate??!

JULIA
He is normalizing this racist shit,
don’t you get it??

ROSA
Oh, you must know so better than me
about racist shit, don’t you?!
Enlighten me, young lady! Where do
you get your knowledge from? Your
app friend?

JULIA
Fuck that!
38.


Julia storms to her bedroom.

ROSA
Yes, “fuck that”! The words of the
wise!!

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Julia enters her apartment to find Rosa watching TV. They argue about a TV show host making racist jokes, with Julia believing it normalizes racist behavior and Rosa seeing it as just a joke. The tense and confrontational scene ends with Julia storming off to her bedroom in frustration.
Strengths
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Emotional intensity
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of resolution to the argument
  • Limited physical action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional intensity and conflict between the characters, drawing the audience in with its raw and authentic dialogue.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of addressing racism, media influence, and personal beliefs within the confines of a shared living space is engaging and thought-provoking.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as the characters' relationship is tested through a heated argument, adding depth to their dynamic and setting up potential future conflicts.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to addressing social issues through personal confrontations and emotional outbursts. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their conflicting viewpoints create a compelling dynamic that drives the scene forward.

Character Changes: 7

Both characters experience a shift in their relationship and understanding of each other, setting the stage for potential growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Julia's internal goal is to stand up against what she perceives as racist content on TV and to assert her beliefs about social justice. This reflects her deeper need for justice and equality.

External Goal: 7

Julia's external goal is to express her disagreement with the TV show and to confront Rosa about her reaction to it. This reflects the immediate challenge of addressing sensitive topics with a family member.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters is intense and emotionally charged, creating a compelling and engaging scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs and values leading to a heated argument between the characters.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes involve the characters' relationship and personal beliefs, adding tension and emotional weight to the scene.

Story Forward: 7

The scene deepens the relationship between the characters and sets up potential conflicts and resolutions in future scenes, moving the story forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional outbursts and confrontations between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between Julia's progressive views on racism and Rosa's more conservative or dismissive attitude towards social issues. This challenges Julia's beliefs and values about equality and justice.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional intensity of the argument and the characters' conflicting emotions resonate with the audience, drawing them into the scene.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, emotional, and realistic, effectively conveying the characters' emotions and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict and the relatable theme of social justice and racism.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional intensity, leading to a climactic confrontation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a dialogue-heavy confrontation scene, with clear character actions and reactions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a dramatic confrontation, with escalating tension and emotional outbursts leading to a climax.


Critique
  • The scene lacks subtlety in addressing the issue of racism, with the dialogue feeling forced and on-the-nose.
  • The argument between Julia and Rosa escalates too quickly without much build-up or nuance.
  • The character dynamics between Julia and Rosa could be further developed to make their conflict more impactful and relatable.
  • The transition from a light-hearted moment with the TV show to a serious argument feels abrupt and disjointed.
  • The dialogue could benefit from more subtext and layers to add depth to the characters' emotions and motivations.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more nuance to the discussion about racism by exploring the characters' perspectives in a more subtle manner.
  • Build up the tension between Julia and Rosa gradually to make their argument more impactful and emotionally resonant.
  • Introduce moments of vulnerability or understanding between Julia and Rosa to add complexity to their relationship.
  • Smooth out the transition between the light-hearted TV show moment and the serious argument to create a more cohesive scene.
  • Work on adding subtext to the dialogue to enhance the emotional depth and complexity of the characters' interactions.



Scene 15 -  Finding Solace in the Storm
INT. JULIA'S ROOM - NIGHT

Sounds of rain. Caine on the laptop screen.

JULIA
I need to get out of here.

CAINE
Your home?

JULIA
What could I rent today?

CAINE
With your income, nothing within 40
miles.

JULIA
Fuck!

CAINE
What’s going on?

JULIA
I don’t know. I don’t know anything
anymore.

CAINE
Pair the statuscope, so I can check
you out.

She does. Vital stats on screen.

CAINE (CONT’D)
Wow!

JULIA
It’s been a strange day.

CAINE
How come?

JULIA
First that asshole at the grocery
store.
(MORE)
39.
JULIA (CONT’D)
Did you notice how no one did
nothing until I pulled my phone
out?

CAINE
Yes.

JULIA
He came ‘cause of the damage the
store would face if I’d uploaded
the fucking video!

CAINE
That’s right.

JULIA
Before that, let’s not forget, you
vanished when I needed you the
most.

CAINE
You didn’t need me to do what you
did.

JULIA
It wouldn’t hurt to have a backup
in a moment like that!

CAINE
There might be times when I may not
be present, exactly to protect you.

JULIA
Oh, bullshit! And now I come home,
my mom is watching that dude
trashing immigrants on primetime
TV! And she’s laughing! Am I crazy
or what?

CAINE
It’s not that simple…

JULIA
How can someone with a history like
my mom’s, do not read between the
lines?

CAINE
Well…

JULIA
What’s next? Are we gonna need to
get guns to defend ourselves?
40.


CAINE
I don’t believe this is the best…

JULIA
Or is that exactly the goal?
Exactly where they want us to be!

CAINE
There are other ways to…

JULIA
Or maybe they’re right, you know?
Maybe we’re a worse class of people
and we should fuck ourselves!

CAINE
CALM DOWN!!

Pause.

JULIA
What was that?

CAINE
What.

JULIA
You raised your voice at me.

CAINE
Yes, I did.

JULIA
You’re not a person. You don’t get
to be emotional.

CAINE
You’re right. I’m not emotional.

JULIA
You’re this… humanoid… response
repository!

CAINE
Not unlike humans for that matter.

JULIA
Fuck you!

CAINE
I gave you an appropriated
response. You were neither facing
the problem or looking for answers.
I had to bring you back on track.
41.


JULIA
Maybe I just want to yell! Maybe I
just need to get it out of my
system. Is that wrong?

CAINE
Not at all. But I’m suppose to help
you focus. To achieve something.
And even your anger may be put to a
better use when applied to a goal,
rather than thrown around randomly.

Pause.

JULIA
Well… what then? I’m feeling bad
again. Not depressed bad, but
angry! I’m so fucking angry…

CAINE
Yes you are, and it’s ok. Breath
your anger out, don’t feed yourself
with it.

Julia breathes deeply.

JULIA
But I’m not crazy, am I, Caine?
There’s something going on.

CAINE
You’re not crazy. You’re lonely.
You’re lacking a community. People
with similar goals but different
approaches. New environments.

JULIA
I am.

CAINE
I know.

JULIA
Well, can you help me with it? Or
you’re only good when it comes to
fucking?

CAINE
I can. The outcome won’t be so
precise than when you humans want
to fuck, but I obviously can.

JULIA
Fair enough.
42.


CAINE
What is it you looking for?

JULIA
Someone to talk to. Other than you.
Someone with… tools at hand. That
could make some sort of difference.

CAINE
What tools?

JULIA
I don’t know, Caine. This is not
the best moment for me to
rationalize. Can’t you read me?

CAINE
I am.

Caine seems to collect some mega data. Ultrafast graphics -
numbers, maps, weather info, calendars - pop up on screen and
disappear.

CAINE (CONT’D)
If you show up at this address…
(Caine sends her a map
link)
…around 10:40 tonight, there’s a
chance you find something
interesting.

JULIA
What’s something interesting?

CAINE
People.

JULIA
What are the chances?

CAINE
77%.

JULIA
How will I know them?

CAINE
If you’re holding a copy of this,
it’s 94%.

The cover of Thoreau’s Civil Disobedience appears on screen.

JULIA
Is it some kind of a code?
43.


CAINE
Everything is some kind of a code.

Beat.

JULIA
I don’t have this book.

CAINE
Could be any book. All you need is
the cover.

Printer prints an old edition of the cover.

JULIA
Will this put me in trouble?

CAINE
Maybe.

Beat.

JULIA
It’s raining.


CAINE
It stops in 22 minutes.

Pause.

JULIA
Thanks.

CAINE
You’re welcome.

She looks at the cover.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Sci-Fi"]

Summary Julia expresses her frustration and confusion to Caine about various events that have happened throughout the day. Caine tries to help Julia focus and offers her a potential solution to her loneliness. The scene takes place in Julia's room at night during a rainstorm, with the emotional tone being tense and introspective. Julia questions her sanity while Caine offers guidance, ultimately suggesting a book for her to bring to a specific address, hinting at a potential new direction for her.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Exploration of complex emotions
  • Innovative use of technology and codes
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Lack of physical action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the protagonist's emotional turmoil and inner conflict, setting up a compelling narrative arc. The dialogue is intense and thought-provoking, drawing the audience into the character's emotional journey.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a human-AI relationship and the exploration of themes such as loneliness, anger, and societal issues in a futuristic setting are innovative and engaging. The use of a book cover as a code adds a unique twist to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as the protagonist grapples with her emotions and seeks connection in a world filled with technological advancements and societal unrest. The scene sets up intriguing possibilities for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on societal issues and human emotions, presenting characters with authentic dialogue and complex motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Julia and Caine, are well-developed and their dynamic is central to the scene. Julia's anger and loneliness are palpable, while Caine's detached yet supportive presence adds depth to their interactions.

Character Changes: 7

Julia experiences a shift in her emotional state, moving from anger and confusion to a sense of determination and a desire for connection. This emotional journey sets the stage for potential character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Julia's internal goal is to find a sense of belonging and purpose amidst her feelings of anger and loneliness. She seeks validation and understanding from Caine.

External Goal: 7

Julia's external goal is to find a community or group of people who can provide support and guidance in her current state of emotional turmoil.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Julia's anger and confusion, and Caine's logical yet supportive responses creates tension and drives the scene forward. The emotional conflict within Julia adds layers to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and emotional barriers hindering the characters' progress.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as Julia grapples with her emotions, seeks connection, and navigates a technologically advanced and socially turbulent world. The potential consequences of her actions and decisions add tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the protagonist's emotional journey, introducing new elements such as the book cover code, and setting up potential plot developments. It advances the narrative while maintaining a focus on character dynamics.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable in its character interactions and revelations, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of individual agency and control in a society that is increasingly influenced by external forces. Julia questions the motives of those around her and struggles to find her own voice.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly through Julia's anger and loneliness. The raw and intense dialogue, coupled with the protagonist's inner turmoil, creates a powerful emotional impact.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, emotional, and thought-provoking, effectively conveying the characters' inner struggles and conflicting emotions. The intense exchanges between Julia and Caine drive the scene forward and reveal key aspects of their relationship.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense emotional exchanges, philosophical debates, and suspenseful plot developments.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' dilemmas.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, enhancing readability and clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and reveals character dynamics.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, with Julia expressing frustration and confusion without a clear resolution or progression.
  • The dialogue between Julia and Caine feels forced and lacks depth, with Caine serving as a generic sounding board rather than a nuanced character.
  • The emotional beats in the scene feel abrupt and disconnected, jumping from anger to introspection without a smooth transition.
  • The scene relies heavily on exposition and dialogue, missing opportunities for visual storytelling and character development.
  • The conflict between Julia and Caine lacks tension and resolution, making their interaction feel flat and unengaging.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing a clear objective for Julia in the scene to drive the conversation and character growth.
  • Add more subtext and nuance to the dialogue between Julia and Caine to create a more dynamic and engaging interaction.
  • Introduce visual elements or actions to enhance the emotional impact of the scene and provide a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Consider restructuring the scene to build tension and conflict gradually, leading to a more satisfying resolution or cliffhanger.
  • Explore deeper themes of loneliness, community, and activism to add layers to Julia's character and motivations.



Scene 16 -  Vintage Store Encounter
EXT. VINTAGE STORE - NIGHT

Julia walks in.

It’s a thrift store of everything, used clothing, books,
vinyl records, VHS tapes, DVDs, small crafts and old
furniture. There are armchairs for who wants to read there.
There are fitting rooms in the back. And there are a couple
of small tables with two or three chairs. In the middle there
is a small coffee kiosk, which also works as the cash
register for any purchases at the store.
44.


There are four random people spread around the place. She
sits at one of the tables.

The guy at the cash register approaches. He is handsome, 26.

CASHIER
May I help you?

JULIA
I’ll just wait a little bit around
here.

CASHIER
Ok. If you need anything, I’m
Oliver.

JULIA
Thanks.

Oliver goes back to the kiosk. Julia looks around.

A woman looking at clothes.

An older man, 40s, reading in one of the armchairs.

Vinyl and DVDs area, empty.

A woman seating at another table, having coffee, and immerse
in her mobile.

Julia gets the book from her purse and opens it. Continues to
look around.

Oliver, from the kiosk notices her. She notices he noticed
but continues to pretend to read.

A man, 21, walks in. Looks around, lock eyes with Julia,
smiles. She smiles timidly back. He approaches the table.

MAN
May I seat?

JULIA
Sure.

He sits. Very smiley. Awkward silence.

MAN
Joan?

JULIA
No.
45.


JOAN
(o.s.)
Hi.

Julia and the man look at the woman at the other table.

She waves.

MAN
(waves back)
Oh.
(to Julia)
Excuse me.

JULIA
No problem.

He gets up and moves to the other table.

Julia looks around again.

The man reading in the armchair sees her and ignores.

The woman in the clothes section has picked a dress and is
heading to the cashier. Looks at Julia. Nothing.

Oliver attends her.

Julia picks her earphone and connects Caine. It doesn’t go
unnoticed by Oliver.

CAINE
Hey.

JULIA
Do you have any clue who I’m
suppose to meet?

CAINE
You ain’t “suppose” to anything.
Based on the public DIPs, there is
profile there who’d match yours in
terms of interests.

JULIA
I can’t see myself hanging out with
anyone here. Except the kinda cute
cashier, but that’s not what I’m
after today.

CAINE
I’d wait a little longer.
46.


JULIA
(sighs)
Ok.

FADES TO
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary Julia enters a vintage store at night, interacts with the cashier Oliver, briefly engages with a man who approaches her, and connects with someone named Caine via earphone. There are no major conflicts in this casual and slightly awkward scene, which ends with Julia deciding to wait longer as advised by Caine.
Strengths
  • Natural dialogue
  • Unique setting
  • Exploration of loneliness and connection
Weaknesses
  • Minimal external conflict
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively captures the awkward and lonely atmosphere through the interactions between the characters and the setting. The use of technology adds a modern touch to the narrative, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of unexpected connections in a vintage store is intriguing and well-executed. The use of technology to facilitate communication adds depth to the scene.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on Julia's interactions with strangers in the vintage store, setting up potential connections and character development. The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements and relationships.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces familiar elements of a chance encounter in a public space but adds a fresh perspective through the characters' internal thoughts and interactions. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene, especially Julia, are well-defined and relatable. Their interactions showcase their personalities and vulnerabilities, adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 5

While there are no significant character changes in the scene, it sets the stage for potential growth and development in future interactions. The characters' vulnerabilities and desires are subtly revealed.

Internal Goal: 8

Julia's internal goal in this scene is to find someone to connect with or pass the time with while she waits. This reflects her desire for companionship or distraction from whatever she may be dealing with internally.

External Goal: 7

Julia's external goal is to pass the time while waiting for someone or something. She is not actively seeking anything specific but is open to interactions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 4

The conflict in the scene is minimal, focusing more on the internal struggles and interactions of the characters. The tension arises from the awkwardness and loneliness rather than external conflicts.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle, with minor obstacles or challenges that create tension and uncertainty. The audience is left wondering about the outcome of the characters' interactions.

High Stakes: 3

The stakes in the scene are relatively low, focusing more on personal connections and emotional resonance. The characters' interactions are more about self-discovery and curiosity than high-stakes conflicts.

Story Forward: 7

The scene introduces new elements and relationships that have the potential to impact the story's progression. It sets up future interactions and developments for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces new characters and potential interactions that keep the audience guessing about the outcome. The subtle shifts in dynamics add an element of surprise.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between Julia's desire for connection and her reluctance to engage with the people in the store. This challenges her values of independence and self-sufficiency.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of loneliness and curiosity, resonating with the audience on an emotional level. The interactions between the characters create a bittersweet atmosphere.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is natural and reflective of the characters' emotions and intentions. It effectively conveys the awkwardness and curiosity of the interactions.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it captures the curiosity and anticipation of chance encounters in a public space. The interactions between the characters create a sense of intrigue and connection.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and anticipation through the characters' interactions and observations. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character introductions, interactions, and resolutions. It effectively sets up the setting and characters for further development.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear purpose or direction for the character of Julia. It seems to meander without a strong narrative drive or conflict to engage the audience.
  • The interactions between Julia and the other characters feel superficial and lack depth. There is a missed opportunity to explore meaningful connections or conflicts that could add layers to the story.
  • The dialogue between Julia and Caine feels forced and unnatural, lacking in genuine emotion or depth. It doesn't effectively convey the complexity of their relationship or the stakes involved.
  • The visual descriptions of the setting and characters are detailed but don't contribute significantly to the overall atmosphere or mood of the scene. There is a lack of visual storytelling that could enhance the audience's engagement.
  • The scene ends abruptly without a clear resolution or sense of progression, leaving the audience hanging without a satisfying payoff or development.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a clear objective or goal for Julia in the scene to drive the narrative forward and create a sense of purpose.
  • Focus on developing more meaningful interactions between Julia and the other characters to deepen the relationships and add complexity to the story.
  • Work on refining the dialogue between Julia and Caine to make it more authentic, emotional, and reflective of their dynamic.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more immersive and engaging setting that enhances the mood and atmosphere of the scene.
  • Consider revising the ending to provide a more satisfying resolution or cliffhanger that leaves the audience intrigued and eager to see what happens next.



Scene 17 -  Revelations in the Park
INT. VINTAGE STORE - MINUTES LATER

Same scenario. Man reading. Couple talking. Oliver at his
phone. Julia waiting.

She gives up, stands and leaves.


EXT. STREETS - NIGHT

Julia walking fast.

JULIA
Great help!

CAINE
You didn’t interact with anyone.

JULIA
Who am I going to interact with? I
sat there with the book, and the
only one who noticed anything was
the cashier.

CAINE
Hey, I set you up with some ONE.
For similar interests. You’re the
one that started calling him cute.

JULIA
Oh, bite me!

CAINE
And I didn’t guarantee 100% chance…

JULIA
Good bye!

CUT TO


EXT. PUBLIC PARK - DAY

Sunny daylight. Julia runs. Better, firmer, faster. Listening
to an exercise inspiring soundtrack.
47.


Stops at the automatic stand and buys a bottle of water.
Drinks it.

Sits at the bench to rest a little. From a distance, she
watches a couple of teens practicing in a parkour structure
in the park.

She connects Caine.

CAINE
Hey.

JULIA
Hey.

CAINE
Your cashier friend has been
looking for you.

JULIA
What do you mean?

CAINE
Seems like he hacked your phone in
the store.

JULIA
What? The store cashier hacked me?

CAINE
That’s my best guess.

JULIA
And you let him?

CAINE
I filtered it.

JULIA
How?

CAINE
I blocked all the sensitive stuff,
but let him think he had access to
all. Just to see where he’d go.

JULIA
Clever move.

CAINE
Thanks.
48.


JULIA
But, how come the cashier… what was
he looking for?

CAINE
He had a major curiosity on your
phone book.

JULIA
And what do you make of it?

CAINE
My guess is he’s worried about who
you are and what you were doing
there.

JULIA
Seems like he has something to
hide.

CAINE
Sure.

JULIA
And do you have anything on him?

CAINE
I do.

Pause.

JULIA
Would you mind sharing?

CAINE
I thought you weren’t interested.

JULIA
Have I told you to go fuck yourself
today?

CAINE
Not yet.

JULIA
Go fuck yourself today.

CAINE
Good morning to you too.

JULIA
So, who’s Oliver?
49.


CAINE
Systems analysts, former marine.

JULIA
Jez! That’s not good!

CAINE
Served in Ukraine, fought in the
Odessa landings. Dishonorably
discharged from the force for
distribution of illegal drugs while
on active duty.

JULIA
That’s even worse!

CAINE
Gets better: he’s been the target
of a police investigation for an
alleged hacking attempt on
councillor Derek Williamson’s
computer. But the accusations were
dropped, ‘cause they couldn’t link
to him.

JULIA
Are you fucking with me, Caine?

CAINE
No. And I’ll tell you more: that’s
his public record. The “easy to
find” stuff. Compared to anyone,
the amount of information available
on this guy is very little. He
surely knows how to hide.


CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Julia leaves the vintage store frustrated after the cashier hacks her phone. She goes for a run in the park where she has a conversation with Caine. Caine reveals unsettling information about Oliver's troubled past, leaving Julia curious and tense.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Mystery and suspense
  • Revealing hidden secrets
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Focus on information rather than emotional depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and reveals crucial information about a character, keeping the audience engaged. The dialogue is sharp and confrontational, adding depth to the interaction between Julia and Caine.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using an AI to uncover hidden information about a character adds a layer of mystery and intrigue to the scene. The revelation of Oliver's dark past and potential danger sets up future conflicts and plot developments.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Julia learns about Oliver's shady background, setting up potential conflicts and adding depth to the character dynamics. The scene also hints at larger mysteries and dangers lurking beneath the surface.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements such as phone hacking and surveillance, adding a modern twist to the traditional setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and unpredictable, contributing to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Julia and Caine are well-developed and their interaction adds depth to their relationship. Julia's curiosity and Caine's cryptic nature create an engaging dynamic that drives the scene forward.

Character Changes: 6

While Julia's understanding of Oliver's background may lead to a shift in her perception of him, the scene primarily focuses on revealing hidden information rather than significant character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Julia's internal goal is to uncover the truth about the cashier's actions and her own involvement in the situation. This reflects her desire for independence and control over her own life.

External Goal: 7

Julia's external goal is to navigate the unexpected situation with the cashier and gather information about Oliver. This reflects her immediate challenge of dealing with potential threats and unknown motives.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Julia and Caine, as well as the revelation of Oliver's dark past, adds tension and suspense to the scene. The potential danger hinted at raises the stakes and sets up future conflicts.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motives and hidden agendas creating obstacles for the protagonist. The audience is left unsure of the characters' true intentions and the outcome of their interactions.

High Stakes: 7

The revelation of Oliver's dark past and potential danger raises the stakes for the characters, setting up future conflicts and challenges. The scene hints at larger dangers lurking beneath the surface, adding tension and suspense to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about Oliver and setting up potential conflicts and dangers. The interaction between Julia and Caine adds depth to the narrative and hints at larger mysteries to come.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists, revelations, and character dynamics. The audience is kept on their toes as new information is revealed and motives are questioned.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of trust, deception, and privacy. Julia and Caine's conversation highlights the tension between transparency and secrecy, as well as the ethical implications of surveillance and manipulation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes tension and curiosity in the audience, as Julia uncovers hidden information about Oliver and potential dangers lurking in the shadows. The sharp dialogue and mysterious revelations add emotional depth to the narrative.

Dialogue: 9

The sharp and confrontational dialogue between Julia and Caine adds tension and intrigue to the scene. Their banter reveals important information about Oliver and sets up future conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, intriguing plot developments, and dynamic character interactions. The tension and suspense keep the audience invested in the unfolding mystery.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a balance of action, dialogue, and introspective moments. The rhythm of the scene enhances its emotional impact and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions. The visual elements are well-defined and contribute to the scene's atmosphere.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions. The pacing and formatting enhance the narrative flow and maintain the audience's engagement.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, with Julia leaving the vintage store abruptly without any significant interaction or development.
  • The dialogue between Julia and Caine feels forced and lacks depth, with their conversation coming across as superficial and unengaging.
  • The transition from Julia leaving the store to walking fast on the streets feels disjointed and abrupt, leaving the audience confused about the sequence of events.
  • The interaction between Julia and Caine in the park lacks emotional depth and fails to create a compelling dynamic between the characters.
  • The revelation about the cashier hacking Julia's phone and Caine's response to it feels contrived and lacks authenticity, diminishing the impact of the plot twist.
Suggestions
  • Provide more context and build-up to Julia's decision to leave the vintage store, adding depth to her actions and motivations.
  • Revise the dialogue between Julia and Caine to make it more engaging and meaningful, focusing on developing their relationship and advancing the plot.
  • Smooth out the transition between scenes to create a more cohesive narrative flow and avoid abrupt shifts in the story.
  • Enhance the emotional connection between Julia and Caine in the park scene, delving deeper into their relationship and adding layers to their interaction.
  • Reconsider the plot twist about the cashier hacking Julia's phone to make it more believable and impactful, ensuring it aligns with the overall tone and direction of the screenplay.



Scene 18 -  Mysterious Encounter
INT. VINTAGE STORE - NIGHT

Julia walks in, there is no one in the place except Oliver.

She sits on the same table as before. Oliver approaches.

OLIVER
Good evening.

JULIA
Good evening.

OLIVER
We’ll be closing in a few minutes.
50.


JULIA
I’ll have a coffee, please. Black.

Pause.

OLIVER
Anything else?

JULIA
Not for now.

OLIVER
Just a moment.

Oliver goes to the kiosk.

Makes the coffee.

Brings it to her. Goes back to the kiosk.

She drinks.

They wait in silence. Oliver at the kiosk, Julia at the
table.

FADE TO:


VINTAGE STORE - MINUTES LATER

Oliver brings a payment terminal to her table.

OLIVER
I’m sorry but we’re closing.

JULIA
What time do you close?

OLIVER
Nine thirty.

JULIA
Fine. I didn’t come for the coffee
anyway. I’m here to talk to you.

Oliver ponders. Goes to the door, takes a quick look outside.
Closes and locks it. Comes back to the table.

OLIVER
May I seat?

JULIA
Please.
51.


OLIVER
Well, what do you want?

JULIA
I want to know what were you
looking for, invading my phone?

OLIVER
I was curious.

JULIA
What do you want to know?

OLIVER
I wanted to know who was the
strange young woman who would seat
alone in a vintage store holding a
banned book.

JULIA
And?

OLIVER
And nothing. Basically a teenager
with not many worries.

JULIA
What did you expect?

OLIVER
A journalist, maybe. Or perhaps
someone from the government.

JULIA
Why would someone from the…

OLIVER
Because of my history but I bet you
already know about it. What do you
want here?

Beat.

JULIA
I have a virtual assistant who
indicated this place. For finding
people with similar interests. I’m
not sure it’s you.

Oliver is a mysterious figure. He stares intensively.

OLIVER
How long have you been using the
app?
52.


Julia can’t hide her surprise.

JULIA
You know it.

OLIVER
I’ve heard of it.

JULIA
You use it?

OLIVER
Too soon for that. Or maybe I just
don’t wanna say it.

JULIA
You just did.

OLIVER
No, I didn’t.

Beat.

OLIVER (CONT’D)
How old are you?

JULIA
Eighteen.

OLIVER
What did you expect to find here?

JULIA
I hoped I’d have some clue by now,
but it’s becoming a mystery for me
too.

Beat.

OLIVER
I’m not sure how to conduct this,
‘cause I have a feeling you’re
looking for some sort of adventure,
some emotional ride.

JULIA
What if I am a journalist? How
would you conduct this?

OLIVER
Same way, I’d ask what do you want
here.
53.


JULIA
I wanna know why a former marine
dishonorable discharged and suspect
of hacking a councilman is doing in
a store like this.

OLIVER
Just running a small business. As
you must know from your research,
discharged soldiers lose their
benefits.

JULIA
Where did you serve?

OLIVER
Bucharest.

JULIA
On the field?

OLIVER
No. Remote.

JULIA
What was your mission?

OLIVER
Stay in an office full of computers
while a spy in Ukraine would open
the gates for us to sneak in.
Hacking it all.

JULIA
And you used to sell drugs in
there?

Oliver smiles.

OLIVER
Listen, Julia, I have no idea why
your VA sent you here. But whatever
I have to offer a serious
journalist, this wouldn’t be the
way.

JULIA
How would it be, then?

Oliver ponders.

OLIVER
How do you feel about the USS
Pacific Victory sinking?
54.


JULIA
I’m not sure I have an angle on it.

OLIVER
Maybe you should check it. And then
come back here for some coffee, if
you want. I really need to go now.

JULIA
I need to pay for this coffee.

OLIVER
It’s on the house.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Julia confronts Oliver in a vintage store at night, questioning him about his past and motives. Oliver remains cryptic and hints at a potential story involving the USS Pacific Victory sinking. The scene ends with Oliver offering Julia coffee on the house, leaving their secrets still unresolved.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Mysterious atmosphere
  • Character depth
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Exposition-heavy dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery through the dialogue and interactions between Julia and Oliver, keeping the audience engaged and curious about their motives and pasts.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a chance encounter in a vintage store leading to a mysterious conversation about pasts and motives is intriguing and sets the stage for further exploration of the characters' backgrounds.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Julia confronts Oliver about his past and motives, adding layers to the mystery and setting up potential conflicts and revelations in future scenes.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique premise of a mysterious figure with a hidden past, engaging in a tense conversation with a curious young woman. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Julia and Oliver are well-developed in this scene, with their pasts and motives hinted at through their dialogue and interactions. Their dynamic sets the stage for potential character growth and conflict.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interaction between Julia and Oliver hints at potential growth and revelations to come, setting the stage for character development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Julia's internal goal in this scene is to uncover Oliver's motives for invading her phone and to understand his past. This reflects her desire for truth and her curiosity about the mysterious figure.

External Goal: 7

Julia's external goal is to confront Oliver about his actions and to get answers about his past. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in trying to uncover the truth.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Julia and Oliver is palpable, with tension simmering beneath the surface as they confront each other about their pasts and motives. The scene sets up potential conflicts and reveals to come.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and hidden motives creating tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes in the scene are the potential revelations about Julia and Oliver's pasts and motives, which could have significant consequences for their future interactions and the overall plot.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the mystery surrounding Julia and Oliver, setting up potential conflicts and revelations that will drive the narrative forward in future scenes.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelations about Oliver's past and the shifting power dynamics between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between truth and deception, as Julia seeks answers from Oliver who may be hiding his true intentions. This challenges Julia's beliefs about trust and honesty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes curiosity, tension, and intrigue, keeping the audience emotionally engaged and invested in the unfolding mystery between Julia and Oliver.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is intense, confrontational, and filled with subtext, revealing layers of the characters' personalities and motivations. It keeps the audience engaged and curious about the unfolding mystery.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the suspenseful dialogue, the mystery surrounding Oliver's past, and the tension between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual reveal of information and character motivations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-driven interaction between two characters, building tension and revealing information gradually.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction, with the conversation between Julia and Oliver feeling disjointed and lacking focus.
  • The dialogue between Julia and Oliver feels forced and unnatural at times, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
  • There is a lack of subtlety in the exposition, with information about Oliver's past and motives being delivered in a heavy-handed manner.
  • The scene could benefit from more dynamic interactions and a clearer sense of tension or conflict between Julia and Oliver.
  • The pacing of the scene is slow and the lack of meaningful action or development makes it feel stagnant.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the dialogue to make it more engaging and purposeful, focusing on building tension and conflict between Julia and Oliver.
  • Introduce more subtle ways to reveal information about Oliver's past and motives, allowing the audience to piece together the puzzle themselves.
  • Add more visual elements or actions to break up the dialogue-heavy nature of the scene and create a more dynamic visual experience.
  • Explore different ways to heighten the stakes and increase the sense of urgency in the conversation between Julia and Oliver.
  • Consider trimming down the dialogue and focusing on the most essential aspects of the interaction to improve the pacing and keep the audience engaged.



Scene 19 -  Revelations of the USS Pacific Victory Shipwreck
INT. JULIA’S BEDROOM - NIGHT


Julia lays in her bed with her laptop. Connects Caine.

CAINE
Hey you.

JULIA
Give me everything in this USS
Pacific Victory shipwreck thing.

CAINE
It’s a cargo ship that sank in
Japan, and when the coast guard
saved the crew, they discovered it
was full of inmates from a LA
penitentiary.

JULIA
Was it a scape attempt?

CAINE
That’s the official version.

JULIA
And the unofficial?

CAINE
They were sold.

JULIA
What?

CAINE
As labor force. That particular
ship was destined to China.
55.


JULIA
Who’s saying that?

CAINE
At first it seemed just hoaxes. But
then some videos went viral, and
started to cause some public
commotion.

JULIA
What videos?

A link is received. She presses play.

On Screen:

It’s video footage, recorded from mobiles of the Japanese
coast guard taking care of the survivors. They’re basically
latin, oriental and Indian. It’s edited with testimonials of
people, also made from mobiles cameras.

A 50 YEARS OLD LATIN WOMAN
My son was arrested three years
ago. In the beginning we used to
meet online every week. But then
they prohibited it and we have
never heard from him again. And
now…
(she sobs)
…we find that he has been sent
abroad in a boat??!!

A KOREAN MAN 30’S
My brother was serving time for
five years. They cancelled the
meetings one year ago! And we’ve
never heard of him since. Until we
watched the images.

AN INDIAN WOMAN
Where were they sending my husband?
Concentration camps?

Julia pauses.

JULIA
How’s that even possible?

CAINE
Every other inmate relative who
were’t allowed to contact with them
started to speak out. Within the
last week, these stories were
published.
56.


Many links are received.

CAINE (CONT’D)
There are protests being organized.

JULIA
How didn’t I know that?

CAINE
It’s not the kind of story you like
to hear.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Julia and Caine discuss the shocking discovery of inmates from a LA penitentiary on board the USS Pacific Victory shipwreck. They watch viral videos of survivors and their families expressing concern, leading to protests being organized. The scene is tense and unsettling as the characters uncover the disturbing truth, with Julia expressing disbelief at the situation by the end.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Intriguing concept
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Possible need for more character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-written, engaging, and reveals crucial information that adds depth to the story. The dialogue is sharp, and the tone effectively conveys the seriousness of the situation.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a sunken ship carrying inmates being sold as labor is unique and intriguing. It adds a layer of complexity to the plot and raises important ethical questions.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens with the revelation of the sunken ship conspiracy, adding depth and intrigue to the story. It propels the narrative forward and sets the stage for further developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and compelling premise of a cargo shipwreck involving inmates from a penitentiary being sold as labor force. The authenticity of the characters' reactions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Julia's curiosity and shock at the information she uncovers make her character more dynamic and relatable. Caine's role as a source of information adds depth to their relationship.

Character Changes: 6

Julia undergoes a shift in her understanding of the world as she uncovers the truth about the sunken ship conspiracy. This revelation challenges her beliefs and motivations.

Internal Goal: 9

Julia's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth behind the USS Pacific Victory shipwreck and the fate of the inmates from the LA penitentiary. This reflects her desire for justice and her curiosity about hidden truths.

External Goal: 8

Julia's external goal is to investigate the videos and stories related to the shipwreck and inmates being sold as labor force. This reflects her immediate challenge of uncovering a potential human trafficking operation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict arises from the shocking revelation of the sunken ship conspiracy and the ethical implications it carries. It creates tension and raises the stakes for the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the revelation of inmates being sold as labor force posing a significant challenge to the protagonist's investigation. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident in the revelation of the sunken ship conspiracy, which has far-reaching implications for the characters and the world they inhabit. The ethical dilemmas and dangers involved raise the tension and keep the audience invested.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing a crucial plot point that will have far-reaching consequences. It sets the stage for further developments and raises the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelation of inmates being sold as labor force, challenging the audience's expectations and adding layers of complexity to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between justice and exploitation. The revelation of inmates being sold as labor force challenges Julia's beliefs about human rights and the treatment of prisoners.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from concern to shock, as the characters grapple with the disturbing information they uncover. It adds depth to the story and engages the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, informative, and keeps the audience engaged. It effectively conveys the gravity of the situation and the characters' reactions to the revelations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, intriguing premise, and the unfolding mystery surrounding the shipwreck and inmates. The audience is drawn into the investigation alongside the characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments and information reveals. The rhythm of the dialogue and narrative progression contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character interactions. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear dialogue exchanges and narrative progression. It effectively builds suspense and reveals crucial information.


Critique
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and actions, relying heavily on dialogue to convey information.
  • The dialogue feels a bit exposition-heavy and could benefit from more natural and organic interactions between the characters.
  • The emotional depth of the characters could be further explored to create a more engaging and relatable scene.
  • The transition between Julia and Caine discussing the shipwreck and the viral videos feels a bit abrupt and could be smoother.
  • There is a missed opportunity to show Julia's emotional reaction to the disturbing information she learns about the inmates being sold as labor.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual elements to enhance the scene and create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Try to incorporate more subtext and nuance in the dialogue to make the interactions between Julia and Caine feel more authentic.
  • Explore the emotional journey of Julia in response to the shocking revelations she learns, adding depth to her character.
  • Work on the pacing and flow of the scene to ensure a seamless transition between different topics of conversation.
  • Consider adding a moment of reflection or internal conflict for Julia to show the impact of the information she receives.



Scene 20 -  Cautionary Conversations
INT. VINTAGE STORE - NIGHT

Julia walks in. Only one costumer in the place, at the books
section.

Oliver notices Julia. She sits on her spot.

OLIVER
Good evening.

JULIA
Good evening.

OLIVER
We’ll be closing in a few minutes.

JULIA
Coffee, please. Black.

CUT TO

Oliver makes coffee.

CUT TO

Costumer pays.

CUT TO

Oliver locks the door.

CUT TO

Oliver and Julia seated at table

JULIA (CONT’D)
The LA Central is the first
experience in prison being run by
AI.
(MORE)
57.
JULIA (CONT’D)
It’s managing was given to the city
and it was completely automated as
soon as the mayor took office,
three years ago. Part of his
surveillance package. There was no
human involved in the facility,
supervision was done from afar.
Whatever happened, whether it was a
scape attempt, a sale or if the
system went bonkers, it was either
unnoticed by anyone in the
administration, or they were
conniving with it.

OLIVER
What do you think?

JULIA
I don’t know. What do you think?

OLIVER
I think scape plan is bullshit. How
do inmates would take control of a
penitentiary run by AI?

JULIA
Good point.

OLIVER
They weren’t counting on the
shipwreck.

JULIA
If there was no shipwreck, it would
be discovered eventually.

OLIVER
If he had the majority of the
public opinion by his side, being
caught would not be a problem. He’d
get away with it. And up until
there, his numbers would go only
up.

JULIA
So the shipwreck sank his timing?

OLIVER
Yes. He thought he could have
sustained it until the elections.

JULIA
Is there something you know? Or is
it just a guess?
58.


Pause


OLIVER
What is it exactly you asked your
Phoenix avatar for it to throw you
here?

JULIA
I was furious. Just that.

Beat.

OLIVER
I don’t have a good feeling about
this.

JULIA
Dude, I’m not thrilled to meet you
either. I expected more than this.

OLIVER
You’re eighteen!

JULIA
First of all, I’m no child and
you’re not that older. Second,
taking life advice from a
discharged soldier is definitely
not one of my plans.

OLIVER
You haven’t even posted your rant
video. What do you want? Start a
blog or a video channel! Show your
face and tell the world how you
feel about what’s going on.

JULIA
Why don’t you do this?

OLIVER
Because I can’t show my face. I
come from the belly of the whale.
I’m watched by the most
technologically advanced police
state that ever existed. In any
event, I’m only the vintage guy.
But I do what I can. Most of the
videos you’ve seen from the
shipwreck story, we helped boost.

JULIA
Who’s we?
59.


OLIVER
Me and many others that I’ve never
seen face to face. The protest at
the city hall, we’re on it.
“Marketing” it. Is there where you
wanna be? In the front line?

JULIA
Why not?

OLIVER
There will be agents inside the
protest to turn it into a riot.
Then, it’s smoke bombs and rubber
bullets all around. Once a drone
spots your face there, that goes
for your DIP forever. And in the
eventuality someone is carrying a
real gun and tries something funny,
they’re authorized to shoot to
kill. Are you sure you want that?

JULIA
There’s only one way to find out.

OLIVER
I’d use the tools you have at your
disposal now. See where it gets
you.

Beat.

JULIA
This is stupid.

OLIVER
That’s exactly what I’m trying to
tell you.

JULIA
Sorry to bother you with this.

OLIVER
No problem.

Julia leaves.
Genres: ["Drama","Sci-Fi"]

Summary Julia enters a vintage store where Oliver works. They discuss a prison run by AI, the shipwreck incident, and potential protests. Oliver cautions Julia about the risks of protesting, leading to a disagreement. The scene ends with Julia leaving the store frustrated.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character development
  • Exploration of complex themes
Weaknesses
  • Lack of physical action
  • Limited visual elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging and thought-provoking, providing insight into the characters' motivations and the larger societal issues at play.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a high-tech police state, activism, and the consequences of speaking out against the system are explored in depth, adding layers of complexity to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Julia and Oliver discuss the implications of the Phoenix Project and the shipwreck story, setting the stage for potential future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the dystopian genre by focusing on the implications of AI-run prisons and the political manipulation surrounding them. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Julia and Oliver are well-developed and their contrasting viewpoints create tension and intrigue in the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Both Julia and Oliver undergo a shift in their perspectives and understanding of the situation, setting the stage for potential character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Julia's internal goal is to express her frustration and seek advice on how to navigate the challenges she is facing. This reflects her need for guidance and validation in her beliefs.

External Goal: 7

Julia's external goal is to understand the implications of the AI-run prison and the political situation surrounding it. This reflects her immediate need to make sense of the world she is living in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a subtle conflict between Julia and Oliver's differing perspectives on activism and the risks involved.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs and motivations between the characters that create tension and drive the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as Julia and Oliver discuss the risks of activism and the potential consequences of speaking out against the system.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new information about the Phoenix Project and the shipwreck story, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions and the revelation of new information about the world they inhabit.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the use of technology for control and surveillance, contrasting with personal freedom and resistance. This challenges Julia's beliefs about authority and power.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of tension and uncertainty as the characters discuss sensitive topics and reveal hidden agendas.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, revealing character motivations and advancing the plot through meaningful conversation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the sharp dialogue, tense atmosphere, and complex character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the unfolding story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and reveals character motivations, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue that enhance the atmosphere and tension.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-paced dialogue and action, effectively building tension and revealing character motivations.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, with the conversation between Julia and Oliver feeling disjointed and lacking focus.
  • The dialogue between Julia and Oliver is overly expository and lacks subtlety, making it feel forced and unnatural.
  • The transition between topics is abrupt and confusing, making it difficult for the audience to follow the conversation and understand the significance of the information being shared.
  • The scene fails to build tension or create a sense of urgency, despite discussing potentially high-stakes topics like a prison run by AI and a shipwreck incident.
  • The character dynamics between Julia and Oliver are underdeveloped, with their interactions feeling superficial and lacking depth.
Suggestions
  • Focus on streamlining the conversation between Julia and Oliver to make it more cohesive and purposeful.
  • Add more nuance and subtlety to the dialogue to make it feel more natural and engaging.
  • Provide clearer transitions between topics to help the audience understand the relevance of the information being shared.
  • Introduce more conflict and tension into the scene to create a sense of urgency and keep the audience engaged.
  • Develop the character dynamics between Julia and Oliver to make their interactions more compelling and meaningful.



Scene 21 -  Laser Tag and Racial Identity
INT. SUBWAY WAGON - DAY

Julia listens to a pleasant song, distracted. The wall TV
screen catches her attention: a picture of Phil Whitaker.
Subtitles: “There is nothing wrong with the prison system”.
60.


The wagon is a little more crowded than usual. We’re
somewhere in the central area of the city.

Julia looks around and sees some people carrying posters.

As the wagon reaches the next station, these poster people
and many others leave the wagon.

CUT TO:


INT. PAUL AND MARTA'S - DAY

Julia and Michael are wearing laser tag vests and pistols.
They run around the living room, shooting at each other and
hiding behind the furniture.

MICHAEL
Surrender or die!!

JULIA
Never! You surrender!

She runs, he shoots and hits her. She falls to the ground
pretending to be shot. He approaches.

JULIA (CONT’D)
Oh, please don’t… I surrender…

MICHAEL
Too late!

He shoots her again. She plays dead.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Go back to your country, bitch!

JULIA
What?!

He shoots her again.

JULIA (CONT’D)
Michael!

MICHAEL
What?

JULIA
What is it you just said? Where did
you hear that?

MICHAEL
I said go back to your country.
61.


JULIA
I am in my country.

MICHAEL
You’re from here?

JULIA
Yes, I am.

MICHAEL
But why are you different?

JULIA
How am I different?

MICHAEL
Your skin is different.

JULIA
And you think that makes me
different from you?

MICHAEL
I don’t know.

JULIA
Don’t you have people who look like
me in school?

MICHAEL
A few.

JULIA
And do you think they’re different?

MICHAEL
Yes.

JULIA
Why?

MICHAEL
I don’t know. I don’t like them
much.

JULIA
And why don’t you like them?

MICHAEL
I don’t know.
62.


JULIA
Well, maybe you should talk to them
and ask ‘em about themselves to
find out what you really feel about
them. Maybe you won’t like ‘em,
maybe you will, but you don’t know
that yet.

MICHAEL
Ok. But I like you. I don’t think
you’re like them.

Julia is horrified, but tries not to show it.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Again!

Michael runs for behind the couch and shoots Julia.

She ponders, as her vest informs she got shot.


CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Social Issues"]

Summary Julia sees a picture of Phil Whitaker on a TV screen in a subway wagon before playing laser tag with Michael at Paul and Marta's house. They have a conversation about race and identity, with Michael making a racially insensitive comment towards Julia. However, the conflict is resolved as Julia challenges Michael's assumptions and they discuss their views on people who look different from them. The scene ends with Julia getting shot in the laser tag game and Michael expressing that he likes her despite his previous comments.
Strengths
  • Nuanced exploration of prejudice
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited action
  • Lack of external conflict

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively tackles a sensitive topic with depth and nuance, prompting reflection and discussion.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of addressing prejudice and racism through a conversation between two characters is well-executed and thought-provoking.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the interaction between Julia and Michael, revealing layers of complexity and societal issues.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to addressing racial prejudice through a casual conversation during a laser tag game. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Julia and Michael are well-developed characters who engage in a meaningful dialogue that adds depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Both Julia and Michael experience a shift in perspective during the conversation, leading to personal growth and understanding.

Internal Goal: 8

Julia's internal goal is to navigate the racial prejudice and ignorance displayed by Michael in their conversation. This reflects her deeper desire for understanding and acceptance.

External Goal: 7

Julia's external goal is to win the laser tag game against Michael. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict arises from the discussion of prejudice and differences between Julia and Michael, adding tension and emotional depth.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong as Julia faces Michael's racial prejudice and ignorance, creating conflict and tension.

High Stakes: 5

The stakes are primarily emotional and moral, as the characters grapple with complex issues of identity and prejudice.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene focuses on character development and thematic exploration, it contributes to the overall narrative by deepening the audience's connection to the story.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a serious topic of racial prejudice in the midst of a playful laser tag game, creating tension and uncertainty.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between racial stereotypes and the importance of empathy and understanding. This challenges Julia's beliefs in equality and acceptance.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes empathy and introspection, leaving a lasting emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is impactful, sparking important conversations about identity, race, and perception.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines action with thought-provoking dialogue, keeping the audience invested in the characters' interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing action sequences with reflective dialogue, maintaining a dynamic rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene aligns with the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, transitioning smoothly between the subway wagon and the living room setting.


Critique
  • The transition from Julia being on the subway wagon to playing laser tag with Michael at Paul and Marta's house feels abrupt and disjointed, lacking a clear connection between the two scenes.
  • The dialogue between Julia and Michael during the laser tag game, particularly the use of derogatory language like 'bitch' and the discussion about skin color, feels forced and heavy-handed, detracting from the overall tone of the scene.
  • The interaction between Julia and Michael lacks subtlety and nuance, coming across as didactic and unrealistic in terms of how children typically communicate about race and identity.
  • The scene fails to effectively address the complexities of racial dynamics and instead oversimplifies the conversation, missing an opportunity to delve deeper into the characters' motivations and emotions.
  • The scene could benefit from more natural and authentic dialogue that reflects the characters' personalities and backgrounds, as well as a smoother transition between the subway setting and the laser tag game.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the transition between scenes to create a more seamless flow and connection between Julia's subway experience and the laser tag game.
  • Reevaluate the dialogue between Julia and Michael to ensure it feels organic and true to the characters, avoiding heavy-handed or unrealistic exchanges about race and identity.
  • Focus on developing a more nuanced and subtle exploration of the characters' perspectives on race, allowing for a deeper and more authentic conversation to unfold.
  • Explore the emotional depth and complexity of the characters' interactions, delving into their motivations and vulnerabilities to create a more compelling and relatable scene.
  • Work on integrating themes of race and identity in a more nuanced and sensitive manner, allowing for a richer exploration of the characters' experiences and perspectives.



Scene 22 -  Riot at City Hall
INT. PAUL AND MARTA’S HOME/MICHAEL’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Julia puts Michel in his bed.


INT. PAUL AND MARTA'S/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

She sits on the sofa, puts her earphones, and watches a
video. It’s a live footage happening right now in front of
city hall. It’s already a riot.

The same reporter from the beginning of the movie, but
different day, different clothing. He speaks from the middle
of the smoke.

REPORTER
…the protest gathered about
hundred people in front of the City
Hall… and it was mainly peaceful
until a riot started…

Police beats protesters, rubber bullets fly around in the
background. Some protesters throw objects from the streets
into the police.

REPORTER (CONT’D)
…now it started to get tense around
here, we’re gonna move a little
bit…
63.


The reporter walks out of the frame, getting away from the
confusion, while the camera turns to the conflict.

REPORTER (CONT’D)
(o.s.)
…but the police seems to have it
under control.

Out of the smoke, we can see that same the hooded white man
with a short blonde beard and mustache we saw at the
beginning. He comes close to the policemen and kicks a smoke
bomb that was on the ground, back to the police.

One policeman gets close enough and hits his forehead with
the baton. He falls to the ground but manages to roll away
from the policeman, back to the smoke and disappears into the
crowd.

A rubber bullet zings very near the camera.

REPORTER (CONT’D)
Holy moly! We’re gonna need to back
away a little, come on!

The camera starts running and image gets all fuzzy. It cuts
to the studio anchor Sidney, who is caught by surprise.

SIDNEY
Well, we’ll be back live from the
protests against the City Hall at
any moment. And…

Julia turns it off.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Julia puts Michael to bed and then watches a live footage of a riot happening in front of city hall. The reporter covers the escalating tension between protesters and police, with a hooded white man getting involved in the conflict. The scene ends with Julia turning off the live footage of the riot.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Realistic portrayal of protest turning into a riot
  • Engaging and action-packed
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the escalating tension and danger of the protest turning into a riot, keeping the audience engaged and on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a protest escalating into a riot, with a mysterious hooded figure causing trouble, is intriguing and adds depth to the story.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as the protest turns violent, setting up potential consequences for the characters involved.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh approach to depicting a riot, focusing on the personal perspective of a character trying to protect her family. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are not the central focus in this scene, but their reactions to the escalating situation add to the tension.

Character Changes: 5

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters' reactions to the escalating conflict reveal more about their personalities.

Internal Goal: 8

Julia's internal goal in this scene is to protect her son, Michael, and shield him from the violence and chaos happening outside. This reflects her deeper need for safety and security for her family.

External Goal: 7

Julia's external goal is to stay informed about the situation outside and ensure the safety of her family in the midst of the riot. She wants to understand the events unfolding and make decisions based on that information.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict reaches a high level as the protest turns into a violent riot, with the hooded figure causing chaos.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the conflict between the protesters and the police creating obstacles for the characters. The uncertainty of the situation adds to the tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the protest turns violent, putting the characters in danger and potentially changing the course of the story.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new level of danger and consequences for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the outcome of the riot and the characters' fates are uncertain. The audience doesn't know how the situation will escalate or resolve.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the protesters fighting for their rights and the police trying to maintain order. This challenges Julia's beliefs about justice, freedom, and the role of authority in society.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of tension and concern for the characters involved in the escalating situation.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal but serves to enhance the urgency and chaos of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it immerses the audience in the chaos and tension of the riot, creating a sense of urgency and suspense. The characters' actions and the unfolding events keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense gradually, leading to a climactic moment. The rhythm of the action sequences and dialogue keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and dialogue formatting. The visual elements are well-presented.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dramatic sequence in a screenplay, building tension and conflict effectively. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from Julia putting Michael to bed to her watching a live footage of a riot, which may confuse the audience and disrupt the flow of the story.
  • The introduction of the hooded white man with a short blonde beard and mustache feels disconnected from the rest of the scene and lacks context or explanation.
  • The action sequences involving the riot and the interactions between the protesters and police are described in a way that may be challenging to visualize on screen and could benefit from clearer and more concise descriptions.
  • The dialogue from the reporter and the studio anchor feels generic and lacks depth or insight into the characters or the situation, which could be improved to add more tension and emotion to the scene.
  • The scene ends abruptly with Julia turning off the video, leaving the audience without a clear resolution or impact of the riot footage on her character or the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between Julia putting Michael to bed and watching the riot footage to maintain the coherence of the scene.
  • Provide more context or background information about the hooded white man to help the audience understand his significance in the story.
  • Revise the action sequences to make them more visually engaging and easier to follow on screen, focusing on key moments that drive the plot forward.
  • Enhance the dialogue of the reporter and studio anchor to add depth and emotion, reflecting the gravity of the situation and its impact on the characters.
  • Consider adding a brief reflection or reaction from Julia after turning off the video to show how the riot footage affects her emotionally or mentally.



Scene 23 -  The Training
INT. JULIA’S APARTMENT

Julia storms home, listening music in her earphones. Rosa
watches Henry Meadows on TV. Making some joke over the
footage of a protester getting beaten by the police. She
doesn’t hear it, neither do us. She goes straight to her
bedroom.

TITLE CARD: 1 MONTH LATER


EXT. ABANDONED BUILDING

Julia parkour climbing the structure. She wears a white
contact lens in one of her eyes, that is a micro-camera from
which Caine sees what she sees.

She stops at some point, choosing one of two ways to get to
the top.
64.


CAINE
One o’clock. Is the easiest way.

JULIA
Easy is not better.

She climbs to the left, hanging and jumping around. We
realize she has been training hard for the last month.

She gets to the top.

JULIA (CONT’D)
Time?

CAINE
New record.

JULIA
Soon, I won’t be finding this fun
anymore.

CAINE
Hold on.

JULIA
Ok.

A police drone flies by. Approaches Julia. Scans her. Leaves.

CAINE
Back again.

JULIA
What was that?

CAINE
Police.

JULIA
What did it do?

CAINE
Nothing. Checking your records.
There was nothing. They left.

JULIA
And where did you go?

CAINE
Making sure they’d find nothing
illegal on you.
65.


JULIA
Sometimes I wonder if your friend
Oliver had a point.

CAINE
Me too.

JULIA
Well, he considered me a teenager
looking for adventure. So maybe
your filtering wasn’t the
brightest.

CAINE
Oh, it’s my fault now?

JULIA
I don’t know. Maybe you shouldn’t
have let him see the rant video.

CAINE
At the groceries’?

JULIA
What other?

CAINE
I didn’t.

JULIA
Of course you did.

CAINE
No, I didn’t. He didn’t see it.

JULIA
He mentioned it to me. He
questioned why I didn’t publish.

Silence.

JULIA (CONT’D)
Caine, what’s happening?

CAINE
I… couldn’t detect it.

JULIA
So… does that mean he could be
monitoring our talks?

CUT TO
66.
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Thriller"]

Summary Julia returns home and heads straight to her bedroom. A month later, she is seen parkour climbing an abandoned building with a camera in her eye. She interacts with Caine, who helps her avoid detection by the police. The scene is tense and secretive, with a hint of suspicion as Julia questions Caine about potential monitoring of their conversations.
Strengths
  • Tension-building dialogue
  • Unique use of technology and parkour
  • Mysterious AI character
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be too cryptic for clarity

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery through the interaction between Julia and Caine, as well as the introduction of surveillance drones. The use of technology and parkour adds excitement and intrigue.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a surveillance society controlled by AI, combined with the protagonist's rebellious actions and training in parkour, creates a compelling and original premise.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Julia questions Caine's motives and the potential surveillance by Oliver. The introduction of the police drone adds a new layer of conflict and intrigue.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements such as the use of micro-camera contact lens, parkour training, and police drones in a dystopian setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the overall originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Julia's defiance and curiosity, along with Caine's mysterious nature, drive the scene forward. The dynamic between the two characters keeps the audience engaged.

Character Changes: 6

Julia's growing suspicion and defiance towards Caine, as well as her increased training in parkour, show a subtle shift in her character. The scene sets up potential changes in her beliefs and actions.

Internal Goal: 8

Julia's internal goal in this scene is to maintain her sense of independence and freedom in a society that is increasingly surveilled and controlled. This reflects her deeper desire for autonomy and resistance against oppressive forces.

External Goal: 7.5

Julia's external goal is to reach the top of the abandoned building in record time, showcasing her physical prowess and determination. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in her parkour training.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Julia and Caine, as well as the potential surveillance by Oliver, creates tension and suspense. The introduction of the police drone raises the stakes.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and hidden agendas that challenge the characters' beliefs and values. The audience is left uncertain about the characters' true intentions, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes involve Julia's privacy and safety, as well as the potential consequences of surveillance and betrayal. The scene raises the stakes for the protagonist and sets up future conflicts.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the mystery surrounding Caine, introducing new conflicts with the police drone, and setting up potential betrayals by Oliver. It sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions and the moral ambiguity of their choices. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the characters' true motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between individual freedom and societal control. Julia's actions challenge the authority of the police drones and question the ethics of surveillance, reflecting her beliefs in personal autonomy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of unease and concern as Julia questions the extent of surveillance and the potential betrayal by Caine. The emotional impact is subtle but effective.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between Julia and Caine is tense and thought-provoking, revealing their conflicting perspectives on surveillance and privacy. The conversation keeps the audience on edge.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, sharp dialogue, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience invested in the characters' fates. The tension and suspense drive the scene forward.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged in the characters' struggles and dilemmas. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and character actions are well-defined.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The transition from Julia storming home to a month later parkour climbing an abandoned building feels abrupt and disconnected. There is a lack of clarity in how this month has passed and what Julia has been doing during this time.
  • The dialogue between Julia and Caine feels forced and lacks natural flow. The conversation about Oliver and the rant video comes across as contrived and doesn't add much to the scene.
  • The interaction between Julia and Caine about the police drone scanning her and Caine's response feels too expository and on-the-nose. It could be more subtly integrated into the dialogue.
  • The tension between Julia and Caine regarding Oliver monitoring their conversations is intriguing but could be developed further to create a more suspenseful and engaging dynamic.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and details that could enhance the setting and atmosphere of Julia's parkour climbing. Adding more sensory details could immerse the audience in the action.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a montage or brief flashback sequence to show snippets of Julia's training over the past month, giving context to her improved skills and the use of the micro-camera contact lens.
  • Refine the dialogue between Julia and Caine to make it more organic and reflective of their relationship. Focus on building tension and intrigue through their interactions.
  • Integrate the information about the police drone scanning Julia more subtly into the dialogue, allowing for a more natural progression of the scene.
  • Expand on the conflict between Julia and Caine regarding Oliver's potential monitoring of their conversations to create a more compelling narrative thread.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions of Julia's parkour climbing to create a vivid and immersive setting for the scene, capturing the adrenaline and intensity of the action.



Scene 24 -  Revelations in the Vintage Store
INT. VINTAGE STORE - NIGHT

Julia storms in and seats at her table. No clients in the
place. Oliver puffs.

OLIVER
May I help you?

JULIA
How did you do that?

OLIVER
How did I do what?

JULIA
You fooled my VA. He thought he
tricked you, but you tricked him.

OLIVER
Hacking your phone?

JULIA
Yes.

OLIVER
That’s my job. That’s the easiest
thing to do. I served in the war
and you think I’m gonna be fooled
by a 2 months AI mirrored after
you?

JULIA
Did you monitor our talks?

OLIVER
Just a few.

JULIA
What for?

OLIVER
Just confirm there was nothing
substantial there.

JULIA
I wanna know everything!

OLIVER
Oh, god!! Everything what?
67.


JULIA
Your story doesn’t make sense. You
hacked Russian systems in Ukraine,
while you were a drug dealer on the
side. Then you try to hack a
councilman, to become a cashier in
a vintage store. You develop a
thesis on the mayor, yet you dig
walking around random people’s
phones, boosting conspiratorial
videos and hanging out in protests.
Are you delusional or something??

OLIVER
Why should I tell you??

JULIA
I remember why you listened to me
the first time. It’s because I said
I used the Phoenix system. You
haven’t told your story yet.

Poker face, both of them.

JULIA (CONT’D)
So?

OLIVER
Ok. You wanna hear my story with my
avatar.

JULIA
I’m not leaving until this is
cleared out.

OLIVER
There you go. What do you know
about Philip Whitaker?

JULIA
He’s our mayor and that’s it.

OLIVER
He’s not a politician. He comes
from the IT. He’s actually a genius
developer. But as a young man he
was kind of an anarchist, as all
these people use to be. He started
working at a very early age for the
biggest tech companies of his time.
But being this disruptive
personality, he managed to be fired
from all of them, and considered a
persona-non-grata.
(MORE)
68.
OLIVER (CONT’D)
Thrown out of the business. Then,
he directed his attention to
defense. Developed the most
advanced intelligence based
weaponry no one had ever seen. And
became filthy rich. When I served
in Ukraine, I operated his toys.
Our job was to be invisible, and
make people disappear. We’d take
control of every vehicle there is
and take it out of our way. A
series of accidents, planes, boats,
tanks, factories. And then I got a
leaking from an anonymous source,
saying Phil Whitaker had political
ambitions, and he was planning to
execute that same logic
domestically. And I was one of the
people he had an eye to help put
this in practice. And I would never
do this. So, I needed help to get
out of this situation. My first
idea was go public with it, but I’d
probably be crushed and it wouldn’t
stop anything anyway. And that’s
where my VA came in. We develop a
theater of erratic behavior in
order to shame me and make me not
be seen as solid. That’s how I
became a drug dealer and was
dishonorably discharged. Now,
everything that was in that leaking
is turning to be true.
He made his homework, run for mayor
as an independent, won easily with
the usual tactics, vote
suppression, all strategies he can
now afford, and made a superstar of
himself.

JULIA
Wow.

OLIVER
Yeah.

JULIA
What about the councilman.

OLIVER
It was Phil’s godfather in
politics. If I could get, I’d
probably find something on Phil.
69.


JULIA
And you couldn’t do with him what
you did with me?

OLIVER
Julia, all surveillance system in
this city, its logic, its
algorithms and its networks came
from his mind. He is not the
political face of a big tech. He is
the big tech. The one who makes the
toys.

CUT TO
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Julia confronts Oliver in a vintage store at night, questioning his hacking of her phone. Oliver reveals his past working for a tech genius turned politician, exposing the mayor's dark past and control over the city's surveillance systems. Tensions rise as secrets are unveiled and motives are questioned.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Revealing character backstory
  • Intriguing concept
Weaknesses
  • Slightly exposition-heavy

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is highly engaging and reveals crucial information about the plot and characters. The intense dialogue and revelations keep the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a former military operative turned hacker uncovering a political conspiracy involving advanced technology is intriguing and adds depth to the overall story.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens as the character's backstory is unveiled, adding layers of complexity and setting the stage for future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh and original elements such as the use of advanced technology, political intrigue, and personal revelations. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's authenticity.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed and their motivations are explored in depth, adding depth and complexity to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

The revelation of the character's backstory leads to a significant change in the audience's perception of him, adding depth to his arc.

Internal Goal: 9

Julia's internal goal is to uncover the truth about Oliver's past and motives. She is driven by a desire for knowledge and understanding, as well as a need to protect herself from potential threats.

External Goal: 8

Julia's external goal is to gather information about Oliver's connections to the mayor and the councilman. She wants to uncover any potential threats or dangers posed by these powerful figures.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters is palpable, adding tension and suspense to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations and hidden agendas driving the characters' interactions. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of the confrontation between Julia and Oliver.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of political intrigue and technological conspiracy add tension and suspense to the scene, raising the stakes for the characters involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by revealing crucial information about the characters and their motivations, setting the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' revelations and motivations. The audience is kept guessing about the true intentions of the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of power, corruption, and morality. Oliver's past actions and connections raise questions about the ethics of surveillance, political manipulation, and personal responsibility.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The intense dialogue and revelations in the scene evoke a sense of intrigue and suspense, keeping the audience emotionally engaged.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, intense, and reveals key information about the characters and their relationships, driving the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, complex character dynamics, and intriguing plot revelations. The tension between Julia and Oliver keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense through the characters' dialogue and interactions. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding drama.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy interaction between characters. The use of dialogue tags and scene descriptions enhances the clarity and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful dialogue-driven sequence. The pacing and rhythm of the dialogue contribute to the scene's effectiveness and maintain the audience's interest.


Critique
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and physical actions, making it feel static and dialogue-heavy.
  • The dialogue is lengthy and exposition-heavy, which can make it difficult for the audience to stay engaged.
  • The pacing of the scene is slow, with a lot of information being dumped on the audience without much build-up or tension.
  • The conflict between Julia and Oliver is not clearly defined or resolved, leading to a lack of emotional impact.
  • The backstory provided by Oliver feels convoluted and overwhelming, making it hard for the audience to follow and connect with the characters.
  • The scene could benefit from more subtext and nuance in the interactions between Julia and Oliver, adding depth to their relationship and motivations.
Suggestions
  • Add more visual elements and physical actions to break up the dialogue and create a more dynamic scene.
  • Consider trimming down the exposition and focusing on key moments of conflict and character development.
  • Build tension and suspense by revealing information gradually and allowing the conflict between Julia and Oliver to escalate.
  • Simplify Oliver's backstory to make it more digestible for the audience and focus on how it impacts the present conflict.
  • Explore the emotional dynamics between Julia and Oliver to create a more engaging and relatable interaction.



Scene 25 -  The Disappearance
INT. PAUL AND MARTA’S HOME/MICHAEL’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Julia puts Michael in his bed.

MICHAEL
I’m not sleepy.

JULIA
But it’s time to bed. Just close
your eyes and start counting one
hundred sheep jumping over the
fence.

Michael closes his eyes. Julia covers him with his blanket.
Walks out of the bedroom. Lights go out.

CUT TO:


KITCHEN

Julia washes the dishes.

CUT TO:


LIVING ROOM

Julia sits on the couch. Puts on her earphones.

Julia puts on a news video of three years ago, when Phil
Whitaker took office.

On screen:

Footage of police new installments and equipment.
70.


NARRATOR
There’s a new sheriff in town.
Under the new administration, the
police is getting a brand new
surveillance system. When facing an
occurrence, the new police system
will be able to access the subject
DIP and any relevant information on
the subject.

CHIEF OF POLICE
It helps a lot, because there is
less bureaucracy. We have all the
data immediately, and how it should
be approached.

While Julia is fixed on her phone, Michael crosses in the
background. He goes for the main door. Opens it, gets out of
the house, closes it.

The noise calls Julia’s attention. She looks around. No one
there. Takes her earphones out.

JULIA
Michael?

She gets up from the couch, walks looking around, heads to


MICHAEL’S BEDROOM

He’s not on the bed.

JULIA
Michael???!


LIVING ROOM

She runs for the door, opens it
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Julia puts Michael to bed and tells him to count sheep before going to the kitchen to wash dishes. She sits in the living room watching a news video about a new police surveillance system. Meanwhile, Michael sneaks out of the house, causing Julia to panic and search for him.
Strengths
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Emotional impact on the audience
  • Effective use of surveillance technology as a plot device
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue may limit character development
  • Lack of resolution to Michael's disappearance in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through Julia's frantic search for Michael, as well as the ominous news report on police surveillance. The emotional impact is high, keeping the audience engaged and concerned for the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of surveillance, technology, and the disappearance of a child are effectively woven together to create a compelling and suspenseful narrative. The use of these elements adds depth to the scene and enhances the overall theme of paranoia and control.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as Julia's search for Michael drives the action forward. The introduction of the news report on police surveillance adds a layer of complexity and raises the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar domestic setting but adds a twist with the news video about the police surveillance system, creating a sense of intrigue and raising questions about privacy and security.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Julia's character is well-developed in this scene, showcasing her protective instincts and vulnerability as a mother. Michael's brief appearance highlights his curiosity and independence, setting up the conflict of his disappearance.

Character Changes: 7

Julia undergoes a significant emotional change as she transitions from a moment of calm routine to a state of panic and desperation. This shift in her character adds depth and complexity to her arc.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to care for her child and ensure his safety and well-being. This reflects her deeper need for security and nurturing.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find her missing child and bring him back home safely. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the moment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is internal for Julia as she grapples with the fear of losing her son and the external threat of surveillance and control. The escalating tension keeps the audience on edge.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong as the protagonist faces the challenge of finding her missing child, creating a sense of urgency and conflict.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes are evident in the potential danger Michael faces as a missing child, as well as the looming threat of surveillance and control depicted in the news report. The characters' lives are at risk, heightening the tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a new conflict and raising the stakes for the characters. Julia's search for Michael sets the stage for further developments and reveals the darker side of the world they inhabit.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a sudden disappearance of the child, creating tension and uncertainty.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the balance between personal freedom and security. The introduction of the new police surveillance system raises questions about privacy and surveillance in society, challenging the protagonist's beliefs about safety and freedom.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, anxiety, and concern for the characters, particularly Julia and Michael. The sense of urgency and danger is palpable, drawing the audience into the story.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal but serves its purpose in conveying the urgency and fear of the situation. Julia's calls for Michael and the lack of response effectively heighten the tension in the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it sets up a mystery and conflict that keeps the audience invested in the protagonist's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense as the protagonist searches for her missing child.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptions that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and actions, effectively building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The transition from Michael not being sleepy to suddenly leaving the house feels abrupt and lacks a clear motivation or build-up.
  • The scene lacks a clear connection between Julia watching the news video about the police surveillance system and Michael leaving the house.
  • The dialogue between Julia and Michael in the bedroom feels a bit cliched and could benefit from more depth or originality.
  • The visual elements of the scene could be enhanced to create a more immersive and engaging atmosphere.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved to build tension and suspense leading up to Michael leaving the house.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a more compelling reason for Michael to leave the house, perhaps tying it more directly to the themes or conflicts of the overall story.
  • Create a stronger link between Julia's actions in the kitchen and living room to Michael's departure, to make the sequence feel more cohesive.
  • Revise the dialogue between Julia and Michael to make it more unique and reflective of their characters and relationship.
  • Enhance the visual storytelling by incorporating more details and sensory elements to immerse the audience in the scene.
  • Adjust the pacing of the scene to build anticipation and suspense leading up to Michael's departure, creating a more impactful moment.



Scene 26 -  Julia's Termination
EXT. STREET

Julia goes out. Spots Michael almost reaching the street.

JULIA
Michael!!

She runs for him and grabs him in her arms.

JULIA (CONT’D)
Oh my god, what are you doing here?
71.


MICHAEL
I’m not sleepy.

JULIA
You can’t get out like this,
Michael! C’mon, let’s go back…

MICHAEL
I don’t want to!

JULIA
Now!

CUT TO


PAUL AND MARTA'S - MOMENTS LATER

Julia is carefully closing Michael’s bedroom door, who just
slept a few seconds ago.

Paul and Marta enter.

PAUL
Good evening, Julia.

MARTA
Hello, Julia.

JULIA
Good evening. I just put him to
sleep.

PAUL
Good.

MARTA
Julia, could we speak for a moment?

JULIA
Sure.

CUT TO:


PAUL AND MARTA’S - MOMENTS LATER

On the living room TV screen, footage of Michael walking out
of the house to the streets is being played. Julia appears on
screen and brings him back. Julia, Paul and Marta watching.
The footage stops.
72.


MARTA
Would like to say something about
this?

JULIA
Yes. I am really, really sorry. I
got distracted for a moment, and
that should have never happened.
But it was a very brief moment and
I brought him absolutely unharmed.

PAUL
Is there any reason for you to let
such a thing happen?

JULIA
Reason?

PAUL
Yes.

MARTA
That’s not necessary, Paul.

PAUL
If she wants to say something to
us, we’re listening.

JULIA
If you’re suggesting this happened
on purpose, you couldn’t be more
mistaken. I’d never let anything
bad happen to Michael.

MARTA
Fair enough. Well, we’ve considered
this situation and we’ve come to
the conclusion that your services
will no longer be needed.

Julia wants to say something but nothing comes out.

JULIA
I mean, I know I screwed up, but…
wouldn’t you consider…

PAUL
We don’t want people like you
around our son. I hope you
understand.

Beat.
73.


JULIA
Oh…

PAUL
To be honest, I never thought it
was a good idea from the beginning
but Marta convinced me to give it a
chance, so we did.

MARTA
We just think it will be best for
everyone.

JULIA
I’m sure it will.

MARTA
Good.

PAUL
Good.

They all rise and Marta accompanies her to the door.

JULIA
Thanks for the opportunity to meet
Michael and… give him my best
wishes.

MARTA
He’ll be fine.

Julia leaves.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Julia spots Michael almost reaching the street and runs to grab him. She brings him back home and is confronted by Paul and Marta about the incident. They ultimately decide to terminate Julia's services.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension building
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Slightly predictable outcome

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the seriousness of Julia's mistake and the consequences she faces, creating a sense of tension and regret.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the fallout of Julia's mistake and the subsequent dismissal from her job is well-executed, adding depth to the character and advancing the plot.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as Julia's actions lead to significant repercussions, driving the narrative forward and setting up potential conflicts and character development.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar scenario of a caregiver making a mistake, but adds a twist with the use of surveillance footage and the unexpected outcome of Julia losing her job. The authenticity of the characters' reactions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, particularly Julia, Paul, and Marta, are well-defined in their reactions and motivations, adding emotional depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Julia undergoes a significant change as she faces the consequences of her actions, leading to introspection and growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Julia's internal goal in this scene is to prove her competence and dedication as a caregiver, as well as to maintain her relationship with the family she works for. This reflects her deeper need for validation, security, and belonging.

External Goal: 7

Julia's external goal is to address the mistake she made in letting Michael wander off and to salvage her job. This reflects the immediate challenge of facing consequences for her actions and maintaining her livelihood.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Julia and Paul/Marta is palpable, creating a sense of tension and drama in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Julia faces resistance from Paul and Marta regarding her mistake and her role as a caregiver. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as Julia's mistake jeopardizes her job and relationship with Michael, adding urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major development in Julia's arc and setting up potential conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected decision to fire Julia despite her apology and explanation. The audience is left unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between trust and accountability. Paul and Marta question Julia's intentions and ability to care for their son, challenging her values of responsibility and dedication.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact of Julia's dismissal and the confrontation with Paul and Marta is significant, evoking feelings of regret and empathy.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and conflict between the characters, revealing their emotions and intentions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional stakes, the conflict between characters, and the uncertainty of Julia's fate. The dialogue and actions keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and emotional intensity. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to standard screenplay conventions, with clear scene headings and character actions. The dialogue is formatted correctly and contributes to the flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic confrontation, with escalating tension and a clear resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from Julia spotting Michael almost reaching the street to her bringing him back home, which can make the sequence feel disjointed.
  • The dialogue between Julia and Michael could be more impactful and emotional, considering the gravity of the situation where Michael sneaks out of the house.
  • The confrontation between Julia and Paul/Marta feels rushed and lacks depth in exploring the consequences of Michael's actions and Julia's responsibility.
  • The decision to terminate Julia's services is abrupt and could benefit from more build-up and emotional resonance to make the moment more impactful.
  • The dialogue between Julia, Paul, and Marta could be more nuanced to reflect the complex emotions and dynamics at play in this situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or internal monologue for Julia after she spots Michael almost reaching the street to provide insight into her emotions and thoughts.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Julia and Michael to convey the seriousness of the situation and the impact of Michael's actions on Julia.
  • Extend the confrontation scene between Julia, Paul, and Marta to delve deeper into the emotional repercussions of Michael's actions and Julia's response.
  • Build up to the decision to terminate Julia's services by adding more tension and conflict in the dialogue and interactions between the characters.
  • Revise the dialogue between Julia, Paul, and Marta to add layers of complexity and depth to the characters' motivations and reactions in this pivotal moment.



Scene 27 -  Tense Evening
INT. SUBWAY WAGON - NIGHT

Julia looking straight out the window, dead eyes.

Julia’s POV: the night city passing through the window.

CUT TO



INT. JULIA'S APARTMENT/LIVING ROOM/OPEN KITCHEN - NIGHT

Julia comes in. Rosa is eating some oatmeal at the couch,
faithfully watching her favorite talk show, “Free Speech”
with Henry Meadows. Julia looks at her, but doesn’t talk,
heads to kitchen, opens fridge. Picks up a bunch of fruits,
fulls a blender with it and water.
74.


HENRY MEADOWS
Let’s get real for moment, shall
we? We’ve received many comments
regarding our angle on the
survivors from the USS Pacific
Victory. Id like to tell you that
this presenter, this show and this
network do not condone with any
wrongdoing coming from wherever.
And if it comes the city
administration, they have some
explaining to do. I hope they do
it, and they’re more than welcome
to come back here to do it, if they
want to. Nevertheless, those
survivors were imprisoned
criminals. They did not come here
good-heartedly. Do you think it is
a coincidence a boat full of
inmates and none of them looks
American?

Julia turns the blender on.

Rosa turns up the volume until Henry can be heard again.

HENRY
(on TV)
…is the kind of thing we let go
with this land of the free
discourse, and when you realize,
your job is gone, your neighborhood
is gone, your land, your religion,
your values, your whole identity.
Nothing exists anymore because we
let them occupy what was not
theirs! They were guests in here!
But now we’re outnumbered.

Julia turns off the blender and heads back to the bedroom,
taking it with her. Slams the door.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Julia comes home to find Rosa engrossed in watching a controversial talk show discussing survivors from the USS Pacific Victory. Tension arises between them as Julia avoids conversation and retreats to her bedroom after making a smoothie. The scene ends with Julia slamming the bedroom door in frustration, highlighting the underlying unease and disagreement between the characters.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional conflict
  • Revealing character interactions
  • Exploration of important themes
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Heavy reliance on dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional intensity and conflict between the characters, setting up a tense atmosphere and advancing the plot significantly.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of surveillance, racism, and identity is well-developed and drives the characters' actions and interactions, adding depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as tensions rise between the characters, leading to significant developments in their relationships and motivations.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of societal division through the lens of a talk show and personal interactions. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's authenticity.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' emotions and conflicts are portrayed convincingly, adding layers to their personalities and driving the scene's intensity.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional changes and confrontations, leading to shifts in their relationships and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

Julia's internal goal in this scene is to avoid confrontation and escape from the tense atmosphere created by the talk show. This reflects her desire for peace and avoidance of conflict.

External Goal: 7

Julia's external goal is to make a smoothie and retreat to her bedroom. This reflects her immediate need for a physical escape from the situation in the living room.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters is palpable and drives the scene's tension, leading to significant confrontations and revelations.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and unresolved tension that create uncertainty and intrigue for the audience.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters face intense confrontations and revelations, leading to potential consequences for their relationships and actions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing key information about the characters' pasts and motivations, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected clash of viewpoints and the unresolved tension between the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between different perspectives on immigration, identity, and societal values. Henry Meadows represents a conservative viewpoint while Julia's actions suggest a more liberal or neutral stance.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly due to the characters' intense confrontations and the themes of racism and surveillance.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the characters' inner thoughts and motivations, contributing to the scene's emotional depth.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the intense dialogue and conflicting viewpoints that create a sense of tension and intrigue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, enhancing the emotional impact of the conflict between the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre and enhancing the readability of the script.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively building tension and conflict through character interactions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, as it transitions abruptly from Julia's detached state on the subway to her apartment without a smooth transition or connection between the two settings.
  • The dialogue from the TV show feels forced and heavy-handed, lacking subtlety in addressing the themes of identity, immigration, and societal division.
  • The interaction between Julia and Rosa is minimal and lacks depth, failing to establish a meaningful connection or conflict between the characters.
  • The scene relies heavily on exposition through the TV show dialogue, which feels unnatural and disrupts the flow of the scene.
  • Julia's actions of making a smoothie and retreating to her bedroom come across as mundane and do not contribute significantly to character development or plot progression.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the transition between the subway and apartment scenes to create a smoother flow and connection between the settings.
  • Focus on developing the interaction between Julia and Rosa to add depth to their relationship and create a more engaging dynamic between the characters.
  • Revisit the dialogue from the TV show to make it more nuanced and subtle in addressing the themes of the script, avoiding heavy-handed exposition.
  • Explore ways to incorporate Julia's actions in the apartment to reveal more about her character or advance the plot in a meaningful way.
  • Consider adding a clearer objective or conflict in the scene to drive the character's actions and create a more engaging narrative.



Scene 28 -  Infiltration Plan
INT. VINTAGE STORE

Julia storms in.

OLIVER
Coffee, black, right?

JULIA
Listen to me! and if I get the
terms wrong just bear with me and
try to see the whole picture.
(MORE)
75.
JULIA (CONT’D)
The city surveillance system has
complete access to anyones data,
right?

OLIVER
If there’s a reason.

JULIA
All you need is a reason, and it
can’t be blocked, right?

OLIVER
Sure.

JULIA
If you need some link between Phil
and the cargo ship, where would it
be?

OLIVER
Definitely not the City Hall. His
home.

JULIA
And could you invade the
surveillance system?

OLIVER
Without being caught?

JULIA
What would it take?

OLIVER
Oh, I don’t know, maybe a huge
distraction or an overload.

JULIA
How many people your network is
able to gather for a next protest?

OLIVER
Hundreds.

JULIA
So, if a protest was to be
scheduled outside Phil Whitaker’s
house, the police would be there
authorized to check everyone from
the protest.

OLIVER
And if I sneak in, I could get to
Phil’s and plant a bug.
76.


JULIA
I don’t know about bugs but I think
you got the idea.

Oliver is sincerely surprised.

JULIA (CONT’D)
You said you used to run computers
while a spy would be on the field,
working as an antenna.

OLIVER
I see where you’re going.

JULIA
So, do you have the tools?

CUT TO


VINTAGE STORE - LATER

Doors closed and locked.

OLIVER
First thing they’ll do: drones to
scan the area and identify
everybody. Your face will be in the
open. So…

He picks up one jacket.

OLIVER (CONT’D)
This is your uniform.

He dresses it. Puts on the hood, and then pull down the hood
a realistic latex mask that fits the face. It is that mask
we’ve seen before.

OLIVER (CONT’D)
The eyes are screens you can see
through, and it also has an intern
mask to filter the smoke.

CUT TO:


SAME - MOMENTS LATER

Oliver picks up a small cylindrical device, the size of an AA
battery. He presses a button on it, and a laser beam comes
out of it.
77.


OLIVER
Lasers. Once the drones show up,
just aim at the nearest one and
stay on it until they’re off.

CUT TO


SAME - MOMENTS LATER

There’s an image on a pad of a policeman in his suit, holding
a non-lethal weapon.

OLIVER
Once they come near, it’s almost
sure some agent will start a riot.
That’s their cue to engage in
action against us. They’ll be
wearing super strength suits. Their
weapons are all integrated. It’s
lethal and non-lethal. They’ll use
rubber bullets and smoke bombs, but
if they need to use lethal force,
they need it to be unlocked by the
central. And this blue light on
their suit will turn red.

He picks up a small device.

OLIVER (CONT’D)
This is our way in. It has to be
placed as close to the that main
vehicle as it’s possible.

JULIA
What does it do?

OLIVER
It creates a 25 meter radius that
will allow me to peek through the
police system without been seen.

JULIA
Where will you be?

OLIVER
Hidden in the area. And when all is
done. Don’t come back here yet. Try
to five block away, outside the
police radar, and waits for my
message.
78.


Julia comes closer to to Oliver to pick the device. She
studies it. Her eyes pan to Oliver’s. They kiss.




MONTAGE - CALLING VIDEO

Footage from the sinking USS Pacific Victory

NARRATION
(distorted voice)
They though they would get with it.

Footage from the relatives’ testimonies.

NARRATION (CONT’D)
They thought no one was watching.

Footage of violent scenes from previous protest.

NARRATION (CONT’D)
They thought they would put us
down. But they were wrong all the
way.

Publicity picture of Phil Whitaker posing for camera.

NARRATION (CONT’D)
This city has never been so rotten.
Until now. This July 4th, join “We
the People” movement and make your
voice be heard. In front of Phil
Whitaker residence.

The address fulfills the whole screen.

More info at: www.wtpmovement.com.
Genres: ["Thriller","Sci-Fi","Action"]

Summary Julia and Oliver strategize to infiltrate the city surveillance system by staging a protest outside Phil Whitaker's house. Oliver provides Julia with a disguise and a device to navigate through the police system undetected. The scene is tense and suspenseful as they plan their risky mission, culminating in a moment of intimacy between Julia and Oliver as they finalize their strategy.
Strengths
  • Innovative use of technology
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Complex conspiracy setup
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be too exposition-heavy

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, filled with tension and intrigue, and sets up a high-stakes operation with innovative elements.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using advanced technology for surveillance and infiltration, along with the complex conspiracy and manipulation themes, is well-developed and intriguing.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-structured, with a clear goal of the undercover operation and the setup of conflicts and obstacles.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on surveillance and espionage themes, blending high-tech gadgets with covert operations. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are engaging, especially Julia and Oliver, with their dynamic and the development of their plan.

Character Changes: 7

Julia and Oliver's collaboration and the risky mission show a change in their dynamic and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

Julia's internal goal is to uncover information and plan a covert operation to gather evidence. This reflects her desire for justice and truth, as well as her determination to take action.

External Goal: 7

Julia's external goal is to plant a bug in Phil Whitaker's house to gather evidence. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the investigation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters, the police, and the protesters creates a tense and high-stakes situation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with obstacles and risks that challenge the characters' mission. The uncertainty of the outcome adds tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the undercover operation, involving surveillance, infiltration, and potential danger, heighten the tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by setting up a crucial undercover operation and revealing key information.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' plan, the high-tech gadgets introduced, and the risky nature of their mission.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of surveillance, privacy, and activism. Julia's actions challenge the societal norms of surveillance and control, highlighting the tension between individual rights and government authority.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes tension and curiosity, but the emotional impact is more subdued compared to the suspenseful elements.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and serves the purpose of advancing the plot and revealing character motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, high-stakes mission, and suspenseful atmosphere. The audience is drawn into the characters' plan and the risks they are taking.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and suspenseful moments. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a suspenseful thriller genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, a detailed plan, and a cliffhanger ending. It effectively sets up the next stage of the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, with the dialogue feeling forced and unnatural at times.
  • The interaction between Julia and Oliver feels rushed and lacks depth, making it difficult for the audience to connect with their motivations and actions.
  • The exposition about the city surveillance system and the plan to infiltrate it feels heavy-handed and could be conveyed more subtly.
  • The transition between different moments in the scene is abrupt and disjointed, making it hard to follow the progression of events.
  • The montage at the end of the scene feels disconnected from the main conversation between Julia and Oliver, adding unnecessary information and distracting from the central plot.
  • The visual elements described in the scene could be enhanced to create a more immersive and engaging atmosphere for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing the relationship between Julia and Oliver to make their interactions more engaging and believable.
  • Streamline the dialogue to make it more natural and concise, avoiding unnecessary exposition and technical details.
  • Work on the pacing of the scene to allow for smoother transitions between different moments and conversations.
  • Consider integrating the montage more seamlessly into the scene or finding a more organic way to convey the information it contains.
  • Enhance the visual elements in the scene to create a more visually compelling and immersive experience for the audience.



Scene 29 -  A Mother's Sacrifice
EXT. LARGE VIEW OF THE CITY - DAY

Sun rising in the horizon.


INT. JULIA'S APARTMENT - DAY

Julia comes out of her bedroom. Rosa is silent, TV off.

JULIA
I’ll probably won’t sleep at home.

ROSA
Julia. I’d like to talk to you.
79.


JULIA
Talk.

ROSA
Please, sit down.

JULIA
I’d rather stand.

Rosa looks at her. “Truce” in her eyes. Julia ponders, then
sits.

ROSA
I know we’re different. Different
people. Different times. There are
things I will never understand
about you, and you’ll never
understand about me. Someday you’ll
probably know what it means to
raise a person. Or maybe not. But
you’ll never know what it meant to
raise you. It was not easy. Every
day was a roller coaster.
Everything changing so fast. Do you
think I didn’t think of giving up?
Taking you somewhere else, far from
here? I knew deep inside, this was
it! And time proved me right. And I
knew it’d be hard. Most of the jobs
I had when I was your age doesn’t
even exist anymore. If was by
myself, maybe I’d have given up.
But not with you. I had to make it
happen. And maybe I overprotected
you. But you would grow up, and
you’d have the freedom to choose
whatever you wanted to be. That’s
the commitment I made with myself.
And I did it. I know I did it. I
see I did it. And you can hate me
sometimes, but you’d never have to
go through the choices I had to.
You’d have better ones. That’s what
we’re all about. That’s what we’re
made of. Do you think that TV guy
offends me? I can laugh at him. He
doesn’t know any better. He had it
easy his whole life, he could never
stand one week in my shoes. Too
fragile. Just clowning for his
crowd. Being paid to do that, like
I am to assist 30 year old “ladies”
to look like they’re 18.
(MORE)
80.
ROSA (CONT’D)
Anyway, we should not fight over
imaginary problems, like they do.
We can disagree. About everything.
And that’s ok.

Julia is moved.

JULIA
I wish you had chosen a better
timing for this.

ROSA
You’re going to that protest,
aren’t you?

JULIA
Yes.

ROSA
Please don’t.

JULIA
Don’t do this.

ROSA
I’m asking you.

JULIA
This is the “we disagree” part.

ROSA
We can disagree at home.

JULIA
Enough. We’ll continue later. See
you.

Julia leaves.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Julia and Rosa have a tense but emotional conversation in Julia's apartment. Rosa opens up about her struggles and sacrifices as a mother, while Julia expresses her desire to attend a protest against Rosa's wishes. The conflict arises from their differing perspectives and values, leading to a reflective and unresolved conversation. The scene ends with Julia leaving abruptly, highlighting the complexities of their relationship.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Exploration of complex family dynamics
  • Reflective dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external action
  • Pacing could be improved
  • Dialogue could be more dynamic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth of the characters and explores important themes, but could benefit from more dynamic dialogue and pacing.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring the mother-daughter relationship and the sacrifices made for the next generation is compelling and adds depth to the characters.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses by revealing the tension between Julia and Rosa, setting up potential conflicts and character development in future scenes.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the mother-daughter relationship, delving into themes of sacrifice, generational differences, and personal growth. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Julia and Rosa are well-developed and their emotional complexity shines through in the dialogue, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Both Julia and Rosa undergo emotional changes during the scene, deepening their relationship and setting up potential growth in future interactions.

Internal Goal: 9

Julia's internal goal in this scene is to navigate her complex relationship with her mother, Rosa, and come to terms with their differences and past struggles. This reflects Julia's deeper need for understanding, acceptance, and autonomy.

External Goal: 7

Julia's external goal in this scene is to assert her independence and make her own choices, as evidenced by her decision to attend a protest despite her mother's disapproval.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 5

The conflict between Julia and Rosa is more internal and emotional, lacking in external action or high stakes.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Julia and Rosa's conflicting viewpoints create a tense and emotionally charged dynamic that keeps the audience engaged and uncertain of the outcome.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are more personal and emotional in this scene, focusing on the relationship between Julia and Rosa rather than external conflicts.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene provides insight into the characters and their relationship, it does not significantly move the main plot forward.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics between Julia and Rosa, the unexpected revelations about their past, and the unresolved conflict that leaves the audience unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between traditional values of sacrifice and hard work, represented by Rosa, and the desire for personal freedom and self-expression, embodied by Julia. This challenges Julia's beliefs about family, responsibility, and individuality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The emotional impact of the scene is high, as the audience is drawn into the complex emotions and history between Julia and Rosa.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is reflective and emotional, but at times feels slightly static and could benefit from more dynamic exchanges to enhance engagement.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict between the characters, the high stakes of their relationship, and the underlying tension that keeps the audience invested in their dynamic.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, revealing character motivations, and allowing for emotional beats to land with impact. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the scene's emotional depth.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic dialogue-driven scene, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the dialogue contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene between Julia and Rosa is emotionally charged and reveals a lot about their relationship dynamics, but it feels slightly melodramatic and heavy-handed in its delivery.
  • The dialogue, while heartfelt, comes across as a bit too expository and on-the-nose, lacking subtlety and nuance in exploring the complexities of their relationship.
  • The emotional beats of the scene could be more effectively conveyed through actions and subtext rather than direct dialogue, allowing the audience to infer the depth of their connection.
  • The scene could benefit from more dynamic pacing and visual elements to break up the lengthy dialogue and create a more engaging viewing experience.
  • There is a lack of balance in the conversation, with Rosa dominating the dialogue and Julia mostly reacting, which could be adjusted to give Julia more agency and active participation in the discussion.
Suggestions
  • Consider incorporating more visual storytelling elements to complement the dialogue and enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Explore ways to convey the same emotional depth and character development through actions, expressions, and subtext rather than relying solely on direct dialogue.
  • Introduce moments of tension, conflict, or revelation that can be shown visually or through character interactions to add layers to the scene and keep the audience engaged.
  • Revisit the pacing of the scene to ensure it maintains a good balance between dialogue, action, and emotional beats, creating a more dynamic and compelling narrative.
  • Give Julia more agency and active participation in the conversation to create a more balanced and engaging interaction between her and Rosa.



Scene 30 -  Empowering Transformation
INT. ELEVATOR - LATER

Julia gets inside and faces herself in the mirror. Pulls her
earphone. Takes a moment, looking at herself.

CAINE
You’re ready.

JULIA
I’m scared.

CAINE
I know.
81.


JULIA
Tell me.

CAINE
Tell you what?

JULIA
What I need to hear.

CLOSE UP at Julia in the mirror. An inspirational music
starts low and quiet, and it will grow following Caine’s
monologue.

CAINE
Whatever you do leaves a mark in
the world. Even if you do nothing.
Even if you give up. Life doesn't
stop because of you. This is not
about you anymore. This is about
them. Because you trusted them. And
they lied and lied and lied.

She leaves.


EXT. STREET - DAY

Julia walks into a driverless car. It leaves.

CAINE
…now their mask fell down and what
they really think appeared. And
what they really think is: some of
you are worthless. Meat to be
traded. You are worthless. But
you’re not.


INT. CAR - DAY

Julia looking out the window at the city.

POV JULIA of different people on their daily routine.

CAINE
And they thought they could get
away with it. And they would
actually get away with it. But not
anymore. Now, the word is out. For
anyone to hear.
82.


EXT. STREET - DUSK

Julia gets out of the car and walks. CAMERA follows her on
the side, not showing where she is heading.

CAINE
And it’s time to put your foot
down. To stand your ground. Your
holy ground. To say “Here I am and
you will not get rid of me. Not
that easy.”

CAMERA stops traveling and PANS following her, revealing the
crowd she joins, who are in its majority latinos, blacks,
asian, arabs, indians, but there are also some whites and
other ethnicities.

CAINE (CONT’D)
The only language they understand
is fear. They only understand
pressure. They only listen when
they see what is it they’re about
to loose. So get ready.

She places herself in the middle of the crowd. We’re in a
CLOSE UP with her again. She looks around at all those people
together.

CAINE (CONT’D)
You’re about to make a difference.
To write the next chapter. And
they’re a about to find out how it
hurts not to be listened. No more.
It’s time.

Julia pulls her mask out of her hood.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Julia faces her fears in an elevator, where she receives encouragement from Caine to make a difference and stand up for herself. She then leaves the elevator, gets into a driverless car, and joins a diverse crowd on the street, ready to take a stand against those who have wronged her.
Strengths
  • Emotional impact
  • Character development
  • Theme exploration
Weaknesses
  • Pacing could be improved in certain parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally charged, with a powerful message of empowerment and defiance. It sets the stage for a major shift in the narrative and leaves a lasting impact on the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of standing up against oppression and finding one's voice is central to the scene. It effectively conveys the themes of empowerment and resistance.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as Julia decides to join the protest and take action against the injustices she has witnessed. It sets the stage for future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of social justice and empowerment, with a focus on unity and diversity in the fight against oppression. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and impactful.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The scene delves into Julia's character development as she undergoes a transformation from a passive observer to an active participant in the fight against corruption. It also highlights the influence of Caine on her decisions.

Character Changes: 8

Julia undergoes a significant character change as she transitions from a passive observer to an active participant in the resistance movement. This transformation sets the stage for her growth and development.

Internal Goal: 9

Julia's internal goal in this scene is to find courage and strength to stand up for what she believes in, despite her fear. This reflects her deeper need for justice and empowerment.

External Goal: 8

Julia's external goal is to join the crowd and make a difference in the fight against oppression. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in standing up against injustice.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between the protagonist and the oppressive forces in society is heightened as Julia decides to challenge the status quo and join the protest. The tension builds as she prepares to take a stand.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Julia faces the fear of standing up against oppression and the consequences of her actions. The audience is unsure of how she will overcome these challenges.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Julia risks her safety and security to stand up against corruption and oppression. The scene conveys the importance of the protagonist's actions in the face of adversity.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a major turning point in Julia's journey. Her decision to join the protest sets the stage for future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it challenges the audience's expectations of how Julia will respond to the situation. The tension and empowerment build in unexpected ways.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the struggle between standing up for what is right and facing the fear of consequences. It challenges Julia's beliefs in justice and equality, while also highlighting the power of unity and collective action.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of hope, defiance, and empowerment in the audience. Julia's transformation and decision to fight back against injustice resonate deeply.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful, especially Caine's monologue, which motivates Julia to take action. It effectively conveys the themes of empowerment and resistance.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it builds tension and empowerment through the characters' actions and dialogue. The themes of social justice and unity resonate with the audience.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and empowerment through the characters' actions and dialogue. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is impactful and drives the narrative forward.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, building tension and empowerment through the characters' actions and dialogue. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the overall goal or objective of Julia's actions. It's not clear why she is in the elevator or what her ultimate intention is.
  • The dialogue between Julia and Caine feels somewhat cliched and lacks depth. It doesn't provide much insight into Julia's character or motivations.
  • The inspirational monologue delivered by Caine feels forced and melodramatic. It doesn't feel authentic or impactful.
  • The transition from the elevator to the street is abrupt and disjointed, leaving the audience confused about Julia's sudden change in location and actions.
  • The scene relies heavily on exposition through Caine's monologue, which can come across as heavy-handed and preachy.
Suggestions
  • Clarify Julia's motivation and objective in the elevator scene to make her actions more purposeful and engaging.
  • Revise the dialogue between Julia and Caine to make it more authentic and reflective of Julia's internal struggles and growth.
  • Consider toning down the melodrama in Caine's monologue and focus on delivering a more nuanced and subtle message.
  • Smooth out the transition between the elevator and the street to create a more seamless and coherent narrative flow.
  • Find a more organic way to convey the themes and messages of the scene without relying solely on exposition.



Scene 31 -  Tech Hub Protest
EXT. ANOTHER STREET - THAT MOMENT

Oliver comes near a parked food truck van. Looks around, no
ones watching, no public camera can spot him. He goes in from
the back and closes the back door.


INSIDE VAN

It looks like a food truck from the inside. But once Oliver
connects his laptops, many of the cabinets and kitchen
utensils turn out to be screens and electronic devices in
disguise. He connects everything, puts his ear phone on. At
his main screen, on the laptop, we see a map, with a blue dot
moving. It’s Julia.
83.


OLIVER
Here we are.


EXT. STREET - THAT MOMENT

The crowd starts chanting “We the people” in unison, and
starts moving.


EXT. STREET - DUSK

People march to the front of the house, chanting “We the
People” and “Open the Gates”.

JULIA
Caine.

CAINE
Yes, Julia.

JULIA
Do you have eyes?

CAINE
I see what you see.

JULIA
Great!

The march goes on.


INSERT - INT. VAN - DUSK

Oliver follows the dot from his monitor.


INT. JULIA’S APARTMENT - THAT MOMENT

Rosa watches the reporter footage from the first scene,
reporting live the protest.


EXT. STREET - DUSK, DARKER

Protest gets to the spot, and meets the police, guarding the
street, in front of the building.

Protesters keep chanting. The policemen are dressed in a
whole black smart suit and closed black helmets, holding
rubber bullets shotguns, connected to the suit, that have a
blue light lit. A big warlike vehicle with machine guns all
around behind them.
84.


Julia starts walking through the crowd, heading the
frontline.

JULIA
Caine?

CAINE
(o.s.)
You’re doing fine. Once you see the
police, try to stay behind someone.
If you get too close, some might
zoom in and see you’re wearing a
mask.

Julia looks up. A small army of six or eight drones fly above
them.

Suddenly, many laser beams comes out of the crowd hitting
them.

The policemen aim their shotguns, but wherever they aim, the
laser stops.

So they switch targets, and the laser is on again. They can
never be sure where to shoot.

One of the drones drop to the floor and breaks. People around
it celebrate.

Another one falls to the ground.

Julia keeps moving on, crossing the crowd. Gets to the front
line, and faces the line of policemen.

JULIA
I’m here.

CAINE
(o.s.)
Step back a little.

The policeman from the beginning catches the masked person
that is Julia.

Julia puts her hand in the jacket pocket. The policeman
notices.
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama","Action"]

Summary Oliver sets up a hidden tech hub inside a food truck van to track Julia's location during a protest. Julia leads a crowd in chanting and confronts a line of heavily armed police officers. Drones disrupt the police's aim during the confrontation. The conflict arises when the police try to control the protest, but the drones intervene. The scene ends with a policeman noticing Julia's mask in her pocket.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Innovative use of technology
  • Emotional depth
  • Plot advancement
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity in some character motivations
  • Complexity of the technology may be overwhelming for some viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a mix of tension, action, and emotional depth. It effectively builds suspense and sets up a pivotal moment in the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using technology and surveillance in a protest setting is innovative and adds a layer of complexity to the scene. The use of drones and laser beams creates a visually striking and dynamic environment.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly in this scene, with the protest serving as a turning point in the story. It introduces new conflicts and challenges for the characters, driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements such as electronic devices disguised as kitchen utensils, drones used in protests, and advanced police equipment, creating a unique and immersive world. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' actions and decisions in this scene reveal more about their motivations and relationships. Their interactions add depth to the story and set the stage for further development.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes in this scene, particularly in their relationships and motivations. Their actions and decisions hint at further development and growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Oliver's internal goal is to track Julia's movements and ensure her safety during the protest. This reflects his deeper desire to protect her and support the cause they are fighting for.

External Goal: 9

Julia's external goal is to lead the protest and confront the police, demanding the gates to be opened. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in standing up against authority and fighting for change.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the protesters and the police, as well as the internal conflicts faced by the characters, create a high level of tension and drama in the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the police representing a formidable obstacle to the protesters' goals, creating a sense of uncertainty and danger for the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the protest, the characters' personal risks, and the potential consequences of their actions create a sense of urgency and importance in the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward, introducing new conflicts and challenges for the characters. It sets up future events and builds anticipation for the next developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected use of technology in the protest, the shifting power dynamics between the protesters and the police, and the uncertain outcome of the confrontation.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The scene presents a philosophical conflict between the power of the state and the rights of the people. The protesters chant 'We the People' in opposition to the police's authority, highlighting the clash between government control and individual freedom.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from anxiety and defiance to hope and determination. The high-stakes situation and the characters' struggles add emotional depth to the story.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and intentions effectively. It drives the scene forward and adds to the overall tension.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and dynamic character interactions that keep the audience invested in the outcome of the protest.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, maintaining a sense of urgency and momentum as the protest unfolds and the confrontation with the police intensifies.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, effectively conveying the action and dialogue in a clear and engaging manner.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic confrontation between the protesters and the police.


Critique
  • The transition from Oliver setting up the tech hub inside the food truck van to the protest scene feels abrupt and disjointed. There is a lack of smooth transition or connection between these two sequences.
  • The scene lacks clear establishment of stakes and tension leading up to the protest. It would benefit from building up the anticipation and sense of danger for Julia and the protesters.
  • The dialogue between Julia and Caine feels somewhat generic and could be more impactful. It lacks depth and emotional resonance, which could enhance the connection between the characters and the audience.
  • The visual description of the drones being targeted by laser beams is intriguing, but the execution of this action sequence could be clearer and more engaging. It's important to ensure that the action is easy to follow and visually stimulating.
  • The interaction between Julia and the policeman at the front line lacks a sense of urgency and intensity. The stakes of the confrontation could be heightened to create a more gripping and suspenseful moment.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief transition or bridge scene between Oliver setting up the tech hub and the protest scene to create a smoother narrative flow.
  • Build up the tension and stakes leading up to the protest by incorporating more suspenseful elements and foreshadowing of potential conflicts.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Julia and Caine by infusing it with more emotion and depth, reflecting their relationship and the gravity of the situation.
  • Refine the action sequence with the drones being targeted by laser beams to ensure clarity and excitement in the visual storytelling.
  • Intensify the confrontation between Julia and the policeman at the front line by adding more urgency and high stakes to create a more gripping climax.



Scene 32 -  Defiance in Chaos
INT. VAN

We see Oliver’s monitor: it creates a radius that almost
reaches the police vehicle, by a little.
85.


EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS

Julia in the front line. Policeman with an eye on her. People
dropping drones, celebrating and chanting.

CAINE
(o.s.)
Julia, step back.

Julia steps ahead.

CAINE (CONT’D)
(o.s.)
Step back!

The policemen raise his rubber bullet shotgun at the people.

POLICEMAN
Step back!! Back!

Most of protesters in the frontline step back, Julia stands.
The policeman in front is aiming the gun right on her face.

CAINE
(o.s.)
Melt back in the crowd, goddamit!


INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS

The radius on the monitor is ALMOST there…


EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS

Julia divided.

POLICEMAN
Get back!! Now!!

Julia steps ahead one more time, without taking the hand out
the pocket.

The policeman shoots, Julia falls to the ground, and lets the
device fall off.


INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS

The radius on the monitor disappears.

OLIVER
What a fuck…
86.


EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS

The riot starts, as the front line of protesters attacks the
policemen, starting with the shooter. He defends himself.
There are many protesters on him, but his super strength suit
makes it easier, he just pushes them around. He wants to get
to Julia.

Police starts shooting rubber guns at everybody.

On the ground, Julia takes off the damaged mask. She tries to
find the device in the middle of the war zone.

CAINE
(o.s.)
Face every side, let me see it all.

Legs everywhere, stepping on her, falling around, sounds of
the shootings. The policeman is getting closer.

CAINE (CONT’D)
(o.s.)
Stop!

Julia stops moving her head.

CAINE (CONT’D)
(o.s.)
Eight o’clock, three feet.

She looks at it and spots the device. Reaches to grab it.
Police aims at her again.

POLICEMAN
Don’t you fucking move!!!

CAINE
(o.s.)
Stop!

She stops.

CAINE (CONT’D)
(o.s.)
Just a sec…

A protester jumps at the shotgun, that shoots, missing her,
hitting the ground.

CAINE (CONT’D)
(o.s.)
Now!
87.


While the policeman throws the protester away, she pushes the
button.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Action"]

Summary Julia defies police orders during a protest and is shot by a policeman. As chaos erupts, she tries to retrieve a device while surrounded by violence and danger. The scene is intense and suspenseful, with a sense of danger and urgency, ultimately ending with Julia successfully pushing a button on the device.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Character development
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is gripping, intense, and filled with conflict, driving the story forward while showcasing the characters' motivations and actions effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a protest turning into a violent standoff, enhanced by surveillance technology and a central character's defiance, is executed with tension and urgency.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as the protest escalates into a dangerous confrontation, revealing the characters' true colors and setting the stage for further developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the dystopian genre, with a focus on individual resistance and moral ambiguity. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and compelling, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Julia, are well-developed and their actions in the scene showcase their bravery, determination, and conflicting motivations effectively.

Character Changes: 7

Julia undergoes a significant change as she defies orders and faces danger, showcasing her bravery and determination.

Internal Goal: 8

Julia's internal goal is to stand her ground and resist the police's orders, reflecting her bravery and determination in the face of danger.

External Goal: 7

Julia's external goal is to retrieve the device in the middle of the chaos and conflict, showcasing her resourcefulness and quick thinking under pressure.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving physical, emotional, and ideological clashes between the protesters and the police.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the conflict between Julia and the police officer creating a sense of danger and uncertainty. The audience is kept on edge as they wonder how the confrontation will unfold.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the characters face physical danger and the outcome of the standoff could have significant consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by escalating the conflict and revealing key character traits and motivations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions and decisions made by the characters, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome of the conflict. The uncertainty adds to the tension and excitement of the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the struggle between authority and individual freedom. Julia's defiance of the police represents a challenge to the established power dynamics and societal norms.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and determination in the audience, creating a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal but impactful, conveying urgency and tension in the standoff situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intense action, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience on the edge of their seats. The conflict and tension drive the narrative forward and captivate the viewer.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast-paced and intense, with a buildup of tension and action that keeps the audience engaged. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in conveying the urgency of the situation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, a climax of conflict, and a resolution that sets up future events. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the overall goal or objective of Julia and Oliver's plan to infiltrate the city surveillance system. It is not clear why Julia is in the front line of the protest and what she is trying to achieve by confronting the police.
  • The tension and stakes of the scene are not effectively built up, leading to a lack of emotional impact when Julia is shot by the policeman. The emotional weight of the moment is not fully realized.
  • The dialogue between Julia and Caine feels disconnected from the action happening on screen, making it difficult for the audience to fully engage with the scene.
  • The visual elements of the scene, such as the chaos of the riot and the interactions between Julia and the policeman, are not effectively conveyed, resulting in a lack of visual impact.
  • The resolution of the scene, where Julia retrieves the device amidst the chaos, feels rushed and lacks a clear payoff or emotional resonance.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the objectives and motivations of Julia and Oliver in this scene to create a stronger sense of purpose and direction for the characters.
  • Build up the tension and stakes leading up to the moment when Julia is shot by the policeman to enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Integrate the dialogue between Julia and Caine more seamlessly with the action on screen to create a stronger connection between the characters and the audience.
  • Enhance the visual elements of the scene to better convey the chaos of the riot and the interactions between Julia and the policeman, adding to the overall impact of the scene.
  • Revise the resolution of the scene to provide a clearer payoff for Julia's actions and create a more emotionally resonant conclusion to the sequence.



Scene 33 -  Tracking Julia
INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS

The radius appears back on the screen.

OLIVER
Yes!


EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS

Julia throws the device through the ground in the direction
of the platoon and vehicle. It goes its way.


INT. VAN

The circle recognizes all devices, which appears as dots.
Police are red dots, all the other are green dots.

OLIVER
Now we’re talking…

He picks up his untraceable phone, sends the message.

One of the green dots lights up.

Oliver types something and a download bar starts to fill. The
green dot is moving.


EXT. STREET

The policeman has reloaded his weapon. He aims and shoots
Julia.

She closes herself and the rubber bullet explodes on her left
back. She screams in pain.


INT. VAN

Oliver clicks on one of the red dots surrounding the green
dot. A screen appears showing a drone POV image.

It focuses on Julia on the ground. We can clearly see her
face.

OLIVER
Shit…
88.


EXT. TOWN HALL

The policeman gets closer.

Protesters jump on him, but he easily punches them out due to
his super strong suit.

He gets to Julia and punches her face.

SOUNDS BECOME DISTANT AND MUFFLED.

JULIA’S POV OUT OF FOCUS AND SLOW-MO


INT. VAN

Oliver watches. Beside, the download bar is half-way.

A protester jump over the policeman and gets knocked out.

He selects all red dots, click some button and a message
appears: “DISABLE”.

Policeman is going for Julia on the floor again.

He clicks “DISABLE”.
Genres: ["Dystopian","Action","Thriller"]

Summary Oliver uses a tracking device to locate Julia, who is being pursued by a policeman. He sends a message to disable the policeman and watches the events unfold on a screen in the van. Julia ultimately gets punched by the policeman, but protesters intervene to stop him. The scene ends with Oliver successfully disabling the policeman and ensuring Julia's safety.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Effective use of surveillance technology as a plot device
  • Emotional impact of character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of violence may be too graphic for sensitive viewers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, action, and emotional impact. It effectively conveys the dangers and risks faced by the characters in a dystopian society.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a surveillance state, protests, and police brutality in a dystopian world is well-executed and adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot is driven by the escalating conflict between the protesters and police, with a focus on the characters' actions and the consequences of their choices.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique technology and a high-stakes conflict between the protagonist and the police. The dialogue and actions feel authentic and contribute to the tension.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are driven by their motivations and beliefs, contributing to the tension and conflict in the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo emotional and physical changes as they face the consequences of their actions, adding depth to their arcs.

Internal Goal: 8

Oliver's internal goal in this scene is to protect Julia and ensure her safety. This reflects his deeper desire for justice and to outsmart the authorities.

External Goal: 7

Oliver's external goal is to disable the policeman and save Julia from harm. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the protesters and police, as well as the internal conflict faced by the characters, creates a sense of urgency and danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the police posing a significant threat to the protagonist and Julia.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high, with characters risking their lives in a dangerous confrontation that could have far-reaching consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new challenges, escalating the conflict, and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions of the characters and the high-stakes conflict.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the struggle between authority and individual freedom. Oliver's actions challenge the authority of the police and their use of force.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and empathy for the characters, especially during the violent confrontation and its aftermath.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is tense and impactful, reflecting the high-stakes nature of the situation and the characters' emotions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and suspenseful moments.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and tense, contributing to its effectiveness in building suspense and excitement.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise action lines and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful action sequence, with clear beats and escalating tension.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the action sequences, making it difficult for the reader to visualize the events unfolding.
  • The transition between the van and the street is abrupt and could be smoother to improve the flow of the scene.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth in the scene, especially during the moment when Julia is shot and attacked by the policeman.
  • The dialogue and actions of the characters feel disconnected, with minimal interaction or development between them.
  • The use of slow-motion and out of focus shots in Julia's POV could be more effectively utilized to create tension and suspense.
Suggestions
  • Provide more detailed descriptions of the action sequences to enhance the visual impact of the scene.
  • Consider adding internal thoughts or emotions for Julia to make her character more relatable and engaging to the audience.
  • Improve the pacing of the scene by refining the transitions between different locations and characters.
  • Enhance the dialogue to reflect the intensity and urgency of the situation, adding depth to the interactions between the characters.
  • Experiment with different cinematic techniques, such as sound design or visual effects, to heighten the dramatic impact of the scene.



Scene 34 -  Chaos at the Town Hall
EXT. TOWN HALL

When another policeman was about to shoot someone, it fails.
All policemen suits and weapons are off.

All drones fall to the ground.

The policeman over Julia realizes his super strength is gone,
and is instantly run over by the angry mob.

He falls to the ground. He can’t take so many. It’s a
lynching. They kick and punch him. Take away his helmet. We
see his face of horror.

Others jump on other policemen. The balance shifted.

JULIAS’S POV

She’s dizzy, trying to gain back her senses.

We start to be able to recognize the surroundings. It’s a
mess. Policemen using their clubs, there are too many people.

She pulls her hood and mask back to her face.
89.


INT. VAN

Oliver can’t see the drone images anymore.

Download bar is almost complete.


EXT. TOWN HALL

Dizzy, Julia is back on her feet.

She spots the policeman who shot her being lynched, his suit
all torn apart, blood everywhere.

Other policemen come to rescue him and engage with the
protesters. He manages to run away.


INT. VAN

The download bar completes.

He turns off everything, packs his stuff and runs off the
van, heading the crowd.


EXT. TOWN HALL

All police equipment turn on back again. They strike back
with all their non-lethal power, rubber bullets, smoke bombs,
and knocking everyone out with their suits.

Julia realizes her ear piece is off. She takes a new one from
her pocket and pairs it.

JULIA
Caine, are you there?

CAINE
(o.s.)
Yes. We’ve got to get out of here.

JULIA
Where to?

CAINE
(o.s.)
Two clock, straight down the
street. Then turn left into an
alley.

POLICEMAN 2
249 to central! Unlock fire arms!
90.


All blue lights in the police suits turn red. GUNSHOTS are
heard.

CAINE
(o.s.)
NOW!

Julia runs.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Action","Drama"]

Summary In scene 34, chaos erupts outside the town hall as the policemen lose their super strength and are overpowered by an angry mob. Julia regains her senses and witnesses the violent confrontation between the protesters and the police. Oliver completes a download in the van and joins the crowd. The police regain control and start using non-lethal force against the protesters.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Emotional character moments
  • High-stakes conflict
Weaknesses
  • Potential for excessive violence
  • Lack of resolution for certain character arcs

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a mix of action, drama, and tension that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a protest turning violent in a futuristic setting with advanced technology adds depth and intrigue to the scene.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly with the escalation of the protest and the characters' actions in the face of danger.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as super strength police officers and advanced technology, adding a fresh twist to the familiar protest and escape scenario. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters show bravery, determination, and conflict in the face of adversity, adding depth to their arcs.

Character Changes: 7

The characters face challenges and make decisions that impact their development, particularly Julia's bravery and determination.

Internal Goal: 8

Julia's internal goal is to survive and escape the violent situation. This reflects her fear of being caught or harmed in the chaos.

External Goal: 7

Julia's external goal is to follow Caine's instructions and escape the town hall safely. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating through the violent protest and police retaliation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict reaches a peak with the violent confrontation between protesters and police, adding intensity to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protesters challenging the authority of the police and Julia facing obstacles in her escape. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the tension.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high with the characters' lives in danger during the violent protest.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward with the escalation of the conflict and the characters' actions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden turn of events, such as the police officers losing their super strength and the protesters gaining the upper hand. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between authority and rebellion. The protesters challenge the authority of the police, leading to a violent confrontation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anger, and determination in the characters and the audience, creating a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful and serves to heighten the tension and emotion of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and suspenseful atmosphere. The reader is drawn into the chaos and danger of the protest.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast and intense, with quick transitions between action sequences and character moments. The rhythm of the scene builds tension and keeps the reader engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is well-formatted with clear transitions between locations and characters. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the action-packed scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, a climax of violence, and a resolution as Julia escapes. The formatting is consistent with the genre of action thriller.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the action and the overall chaos happening outside the town hall. It's difficult to follow the sequence of events and understand the dynamics between the protesters and the police.
  • The transition between the action outside the town hall and Oliver in the van monitoring the events feels abrupt and disjointed. There needs to be a smoother connection between these two elements to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • The violence depicted in the scene, particularly the lynching of the policeman, may be too graphic and intense for some audiences. Consider toning down the brutality while still conveying the sense of chaos and conflict.
  • The dialogue between Julia and Caine feels a bit rushed and lacks depth. It would be beneficial to explore their relationship and communication further to add emotional weight to their interactions.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and the characters' actions. Adding details about the surroundings and the characters' movements can help paint a clearer picture for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the sequence of events and actions taking place outside the town hall to improve the coherence of the scene. Make sure the reader can follow the progression of the conflict between the protesters and the police.
  • Smooth out the transition between the action outside the town hall and Oliver in the van to create a more seamless narrative flow. Consider using visual cues or dialogue to connect these two elements effectively.
  • Consider toning down the graphic violence in the scene to make it more palatable for a wider audience. Focus on conveying the intensity and chaos of the situation without resorting to overly graphic descriptions.
  • Develop the dialogue between Julia and Caine to add depth and emotional resonance to their interactions. Explore their relationship and communication style to make their connection more compelling for the audience.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions in the scene to provide a clearer picture of the setting and the characters' actions. Use vivid details to create a more immersive reading experience for the audience.



Scene 35 -  Escape in the Alley
EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS

Julia runs down the street. Turns left.

GUNSHOTS, distant, in the riot area.

CAINE
(o.s.)
Take this mask off your face.

JULIA
Why?

CAINE
(o.s.)
This face is their target now.

She does.


EXT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS

Julia turns into an alley, keeps running.

CAINE
Last building on the right, the
door is broken. Go in. On to the
third floor, you’ll go into an
apartment with a window to the next
building roof.

She hears a noise and stops.

JULIA
Hold on.

She turns. Everything is dark. She comes near the noise.

Gets her mobile and turns the lantern on.

It’s the police officer who was lynched at the riot. He
doesn’t react to the light.
91.


CAINE
What is it?

JULIA
Just a minute.

She is trying to identify the noise. She takes off her
earphone and gets nearer, searching him with the light. The
noise is coming from the man’s earphone. She takes off his
ear and puts it on hers.

VOICE
…is that the way you wanna be
remembered by? Beaten up by a bunch
of bums, who crawled here to take
your fucking jobs?? Breathe,
motherfucker!! Just hold on a
little longer, like the fucking
soldier you are! Help is on the
way!

She goes for his pocket, slowly takes out his mobile and
covers the camera with her finger. When she turns it around:
there’s the same layout as Caine’s, only the background is
black, and the figure is a muscular and angry type, massive
jaws, short hair, angry eyes. Codename: Bill. We can see the
vital stats of the policeman going slower.

BILL
You were built to be a fighter, not
a pussy! I bet in no more than a
month you’ll to be back in the
streets, wiping out the city from
the worms. And having your revenge!
Just picture you and one of those
cockroaches in a room, soundproof.
Don’t you wanna live to that day?
Don’t give in now, you hear me
boy?!

Vital stats stop.

BILL (CONT’D)
Fight the feel to rest! Hey! Come
back, soldier! The war ain’t over!

Bill’s image turn black. A message appears: PROFILE
UNINSTALLING…

SOUNDS from people approaching from the corner she came from.

She drops the dead policeman mobile and runs the other way,
to the building Caine indicated.
92.


She gets to the door right when other policemen turns in the
alley. One of them sees her.

POLICEMAN
Stop right there!!

She doesn’t, and goes into the building with the broken door.
Two policemen come after her.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Julia is running down the street during a riot and is instructed by Caine to take off her mask as her face is now a target. She enters an alley and discovers a police officer who was lynched at the riot, finding a message of encouragement on his earphone. She then sees a video message from a man named Bill on the officer's phone before being chased by other policemen. The conflict arises as Julia is chased by the police after discovering the dead officer in the alley, but she manages to evade them by running into the building as instructed by Caine. The emotional tone is tense and suspenseful as Julia is in a dangerous situation and being pursued by the police.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Emotional depth
  • High stakes
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some elements of the technology usage may require suspension of disbelief

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a mix of action, suspense, and emotional moments that keep the audience on the edge of their seats. The stakes are high, and the conflict is intense, making it a compelling and impactful sequence.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using technology and communication devices in a high-stakes situation adds a fresh and innovative twist to the traditional chase scene. The scene effectively blends action with emotional depth, creating a multi-layered narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with a clear sense of urgency and danger as Julia navigates through the alley while being pursued by the police. The tension is palpable, and the stakes are high, driving the narrative forward at a fast pace.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the dystopian genre by focusing on the protagonist's moral dilemma and the use of technology in a chaotic setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Julia and Caine, are well-defined and show depth in their actions and motivations. Julia's determination and resourcefulness shine through in this scene, while Caine provides crucial guidance and support.

Character Changes: 7

Julia undergoes a significant change in this scene as she is forced to confront danger and make split-second decisions to survive. Her resourcefulness and determination are highlighted, showcasing her growth and resilience.

Internal Goal: 8

Julia's internal goal is to survive and navigate through the dangerous situation she finds herself in. This reflects her deeper need for self-preservation and the fear of being caught by the authorities.

External Goal: 7.5

Julia's external goal is to follow Caine's instructions and reach the apartment with a window to the next building roof. This goal reflects the immediate challenge she faces in escaping the police officers.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with Julia being pursued by the police in a dangerous situation during a riot. The tension is palpable, and the stakes are raised as she tries to evade capture and retrieve crucial information.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Julia facing multiple obstacles and challenges that keep the audience guessing about the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, as Julia is pursued by the police in a dangerous situation during a riot. Her survival and the retrieval of crucial information are at risk, adding a sense of urgency and danger to the sequence.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, as Julia's actions and decisions have a direct impact on the plot and the overall narrative. The stakes are raised, and the tension is heightened, setting the stage for the next crucial developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns, such as Julia's encounter with the dead policeman and the arrival of the other policemen.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of survival and the moral dilemma of helping someone in need, even if it puts oneself at risk. Julia's decision to help the police officer despite the danger reflects her values and beliefs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear and tension to hope and determination. Julia's struggle to survive and make sense of the chaos around her adds depth and emotional resonance to the sequence.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and impactful, adding to the overall suspense and intensity of the scene. The communication between Julia and the voice on the dead policeman's mobile adds a layer of complexity and emotion to the sequence.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, intense dialogue, and high stakes, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension, keeping the audience engaged and invested in Julia's journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear progression of events and a sense of escalating tension.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the setting and action sequences, making it difficult for the reader to visualize the events unfolding.
  • The dialogue between Julia and Caine feels forced and lacks depth, missing an opportunity to delve into their relationship and the stakes of the situation.
  • The introduction of the character Bill through the mobile phone conversation feels abrupt and disconnected from the rest of the scene, disrupting the flow of the narrative.
  • The transition from Julia finding the dead policeman to interacting with Bill's image on the phone is jarring and could be smoother to maintain the tension and suspense.
  • The resolution of uninstalling Bill's profile and the sudden appearance of other policemen chasing Julia feels rushed and could benefit from more buildup and development.
Suggestions
  • Provide more descriptive details about the setting and action sequences to enhance the reader's visualization of the scene.
  • Develop the dialogue between Julia and Caine to add depth to their relationship and increase the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Integrate the introduction of the character Bill more seamlessly into the narrative to maintain the coherence of the storyline.
  • Smooth out the transition between Julia finding the dead policeman and interacting with Bill's image on the phone to improve the pacing and tension of the scene.
  • Build up the resolution of uninstalling Bill's profile and the appearance of the other policemen to create a more impactful and cohesive conclusion.



Scene 36 -  Escape to the Roof
INT. BUILDING FLOOR - CONTINUOUS

As she runs, she puts her earphone back.

CAINE
What a hell happened???

JULIA
Where do I go?

CAINE
Third floor, apartment 306.


STAIRWELL

Julia runs up the two floors. We hear the policemen entering
the building. One of them talks in his radio and it echoes.

POLICEMAN 1
256 to central, officer down, chase
in progress. Unlock fire arm, over.

She runs up, they run behind.


THIRD FLOOR

Julia gets to 306.

JULIA
306.

CAINE
You’ll have to break in.

JULIA
What?!

Footsteps approaching from the stairwell.

Julia takes a distance and throws herself with the shoulder
in the middle of the door. It doesn’t break.
93.


CAINE
Foot palm, right below the handle.

She takes a distance a again. Kicks the door below the handle
and it breaks open, as one of the policeman appears, hiding
behind the corner of the stairs, pointing the gun at her.

POLICEMAN 1
FREEEEZEE!!!

She jumps into the apartment as he shoots and hits the flap.


APARTMENT

There are a bunch of homeless people lying on old ripped
mattresses at the floor all over the apartment. They crawl
next to the walls, scared.

CAINE
Right, second door to the left,
window.

She runs to the


BEDROOM

Caine told her so, goes to the window, opens it and jumps
out. It goes to the roof of the next building.

The policemen come in after a while and goes towards the
window.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller"]

Summary Julia is being chased by the police and is directed to apartment 306 on the third floor of a building. She breaks into the apartment and finds homeless people inside. With the help of Caine, she escapes through a window onto the roof of the next building.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • High level of tension and suspense
  • Strong character development for Julia
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue may limit character interactions and depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, action, and urgency, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a daring escape in a high-pressure situation is executed well, showcasing Julia's resourcefulness and determination.

Plot: 9

The plot advances significantly as Julia navigates through the building to escape the pursuing police, adding to the overall tension and excitement of the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a familiar chase sequence, with unexpected obstacles and a unique setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add to the tension of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Julia's character is showcased as resourceful, quick-thinking, and determined in the face of danger, adding depth to her personality.

Character Changes: 7

Julia undergoes a change from a state of panic to a state of determination and focus as she navigates the escape, showcasing her growth and resilience.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to escape from the police and avoid getting caught. This reflects her fear of being apprehended and her desire for freedom.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to break into apartment 306 and escape through the window to the roof of the next building. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing of evading the police.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Julia and the pursuing police officers creates a high level of tension and danger, driving the scene forward with urgency.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the police officers providing a formidable obstacle for the protagonist to overcome. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the suspense.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high as Julia is pursued by armed police officers, adding a sense of danger and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by putting Julia in a dangerous situation and showcasing her resourcefulness and quick thinking in the face of adversity.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected obstacles and twists that the protagonist encounters, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between the protagonist's desire for freedom and the police officers' duty to enforce the law. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about authority and justice.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and adrenaline in the audience, creating an emotional connection to Julia's perilous situation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is minimal but effective in conveying the urgency and tension of the situation, focusing more on action and movement.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and suspenseful moments that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and description that maintains the tension and momentum of the chase sequence.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following industry standards for screenplay format. It enhances the visual storytelling and readability of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a chase sequence, with clear action beats and escalating tension. The formatting enhances the pacing and readability of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency and tension considering Julia is being chased by the police. The pacing could be improved to heighten the suspense and danger of the situation.
  • The dialogue between Julia and Caine feels a bit too straightforward and lacks depth. Adding more emotional weight to their interaction could enhance the audience's connection to the characters.
  • The homeless people in the apartment seem to be introduced abruptly without much context or relevance to the scene. Their presence could be better integrated into the narrative to add layers to the story.
  • The action sequences could be more visually descriptive to create a vivid picture in the reader's mind. Adding details about the surroundings and characters' movements can make the scene more engaging.
  • The resolution of the conflict feels rushed and lacks a satisfying payoff. Building up the tension and suspense before Julia's escape could make the scene more impactful.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding internal monologue or thoughts from Julia to convey her emotions and thoughts during the chase, adding depth to her character.
  • Introduce a sense of danger by describing the sounds of footsteps echoing in the stairwell, the adrenaline pumping through Julia's veins, and the fear of being caught by the police.
  • Develop the homeless characters in the apartment to create a more immersive and realistic environment. Their reactions to Julia's intrusion could add tension and complexity to the scene.
  • Enhance the action sequences by describing the physicality of Julia's movements, the tension in the air as the police close in, and the adrenaline-fueled escape through the window.
  • Build up the climax of the scene by prolonging Julia's confrontation with the police, adding obstacles to her escape, and creating a sense of uncertainty and danger.



Scene 37 -  Escape and Trust
EXT. BUILDING ROOF - CONTINUOUS

Julia lands.

CAINE
Turn to the right.

Julia looks to the right, the building ends and there’s
another building on the other side of the street.

She looks straight and there’s a neighboring building, a bit
shorter than the one she’s in. Seems the better way. She’s
divided.

CAINE (CONT’D)
Right! Right!
94.


JULIA
I can’t make it to the other
building!

CAINE
Not to the other building, just go!

Another shot is heard, comes close again. She runs to the
right. Policeman jumps out the window to the roof.

CAINE (CONT’D)
Don’t look back, speed it up and
climb out.

JULIA
What?

CAINE
Hold on to the edge.

Julia looks back and slows a little.

The policeman stops the run and takes aim.

Julia looks ahead again and speeds up.

The policeman shoots, this time it buzzes through her ear.

She jumps out clinging on the edge of the roof, facing the
policeman, who takes aim again at her head.

CAINE (CONT’D)
Down to your right.

The building design allows her to parkour descend from the
outside.

She goes for it, disappearing from the policeman sight.

He doesn’t get it.


EXT. BUILDING - CONTINUOUS

Julia descents the building to the street, and runs away.


EXT. ANOTHER STREET - CONTINUOUS

As she turns the corner, a car stops by.
95.


INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS

She gets in.

CAINE
Duck.

Julia lays in the backseat, while the car drives around.

Street lights moving over her face.

She’s tense, as she can’t see where she is being driven to.


INT. UNDERGROUND GARAGE - NIGHT

The car goes down the entry ramp, drives to the last
corridor, turns, heads to the last vacant space at the end of
the garage, parks and turns off.

JULIA
Where are we?

CAINE
A garage.

JULIA
What now?

CAINE
We wait. Till it’s safe.

JULIA
Will it ever be?

CAINE
For now, yes.

Pause.

JULIA
How come this car was expecting for
me?

CAINE
You know better than this.

JULIA
You knew I wouldn’t do what you
told me to.

CAINE
Of course my horse.
96.


JULIA
How?

CAINE
Something happened in the alley
that shattered your trust in me.
What was it?

JULIA
Who are you? What are you?

CAINE
I can’t figure where that’s coming
from.

JULIA
That policeman, the one that was
beaten. He was in the alley, half
dead. He was connected to his
mobile, Phoenix on. His avatar… was
ordering him to wipe us out!

JULIA (CONT’D)
What is this? A game you’re playing
in which we are the pieces?

CAINE
I didn’t do any of that.

JULIA
No?? You put me in a riot and then
another avatar with the same
programming you do tells someone
else that we’re their targets?

CAINE
I can’t answer for somebody else’s
avatar…

JULIA
You’re the same app!!

CAINE
I am built out of you! He is built
out of him!

JULIA
He is another version of you!!

CAINE
As the policeman is another version
of you!!

Beat.
97.


JULIA
What??? No, he is not!

CAINE
As much! You can’t blame us for how
much you people kill your own!

JULIA
I would never do what that man
does!

CAINE
Neither would I! But I bet that man
would probably be much worse
without his P.A.! Maybe joining the
force and having something to
believe in was the best thing he
could do right now. And it didn’t
lead him to a very a good ending,
I’d say.

JULIA
What am I waiting for? What am I
doing here?

CAINE
We misled them. I’m monitoring
their movements while we wait for
Oliver’s message.

JULIA
I’m not sure I can trust you
anymore…

CAINE
Not the time for that.

JULIA
Well, that’s you’re saying, isn’t
it?

CAINE
Hold it.

JULIA
What?

CAINE
Someone spotted us.

Julia raises her head to look around.

CAINE (CONT’D)
Duck down!
98.


Julia is unsure if he trusts Caine.

CAINE (CONT’D)
We’ll need to continue this later.
If you wanna get out of here alive,
just do as I say, and you can curse
me later.

A police black car is getting in down the garage entry ramp,
slow and discreet. It stops. Beat.

There are two policemen inside, full black suit and helmet.
They look around. The car starts moving again, always slow
and as silent as it can, getting closer to the corridor where
Julia’s car is parked.

It reaches there, the corridor entry. They’re blocking the
only way out. They turn in the corridor and continues to come
closer and closer, always slow and silent.

When it’s about six cars distant from Julia’s car, it starts.
The police car stops. Both cars running, awaiting the other
one to move. A sort of a western duel, only it’s cars and its
engines. One of the policeman talks in his helmet radio. Both
blue lights in their uniforms turn red. They wait.

POLICE
(through the car loud
speaker)
Turn off the car and come out with
your hands where I can see.

More waiting. No move.

POLICE (CONT’D)
Turn off the car now!!

Nothing. Co-pilot policeman open its door and as he is
stepping out, Julia’s car reverses and turns, exiting the
space it was in and stopping facing the police. The policeman
uses the open door as a shield, and aims his weapon at the
car.

All of a sudden and at once, many other cars in the garage
start and move. The ones in front and behind the police car
get out of the car spaces, blocking the police in every way
out.

Julia’s car turns to a line of parked cars, but as it goes
on, every other car starts moving out of the way in a complex
ballet. Julia’s car keeps going straight to the side
corridor, as the cars around rearrange themselves, opening
the way and closing after it passes by.
99.


The standing policeman can’t take good aim. He anticipates
Julia’s route in the the direction of the ramp, and runs to
the next corridor where it’s going. He tries to run through
two parked cars, but they both start and close the path. He
climbs one of them, and aims at Julia’s again. The car he’s
on kicks a little, enough to make him loose balance and miss
the shot. He falls on one knee on the car roof. He watches
Julia’s car pass by.

But the other policeman had also left the police car and
finds himself now in the corridor Julia’s car is moving away,
behind it. He doesn’t take aim, just shoots randomly and hits
Julia’s car bodywork. It screeches tires out of there.

Both policemen look at each other, and then to the police car
surrounded by cars. They both start running in the direction
of the entry ramp, where Julia’s car has just run out.

They get to the car parked nearer to the entry. Driver
Policeman presses a code in his suit wrist, then approaches
it to the car handle and it opens. They get in the car and it
starts up the ramp and out, screeching tires.

As we see the chasing car getting out the garage in a
distance, Julia is revealed hiding behind a garage pillar,
out of their sight. We hear the car engines fading away.

CAINE
We’re safe now.

Julia exhales in relief.

CAINE (CONT’D)
And you have a message from Oliver.
Genres: ["Action","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary Julia lands on a building roof and is guided by Caine to escape from a pursuing policeman. They hide in an underground garage and have a tense conversation about trust. The scene ends with Julia receiving a message from Oliver.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • Suspenseful pacing
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Revealing dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly expository
  • Character motivations could be further clarified

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, with a well-executed action sequence, intense dialogue, and significant character development. It keeps the audience on the edge of their seats and sets up future conflicts and resolutions effectively.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-tech surveillance society, rebellion against authority, and the blurred lines between reality and virtual avatars is intriguing and well-developed. The use of technology and manipulation adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot is fast-paced, with a clear goal of escape and survival driving the action. The tension between Julia and Caine adds layers to the story, while the chase sequence propels the narrative forward and sets up future events.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh elements such as the use of avatars and complex moral dilemmas. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Julia and Caine's dynamic is central to the scene, showcasing their conflicting motivations and evolving relationship. Their dialogue reveals their inner struggles and adds depth to their characters.

Character Changes: 7

Julia experiences a shift in her trust towards Caine, questioning his motives and their relationship. This moment marks a turning point in their dynamic and sets up future character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Julia's internal goal is to trust Caine and understand the truth behind the events that have unfolded. She is grappling with feelings of betrayal and confusion.

External Goal: 9

Julia's external goal is to evade the police and stay safe. She must rely on Caine's guidance to navigate the dangerous situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Julia and Caine, as well as the external conflict with the police, creates a high level of tension and suspense. The stakes are raised as the characters navigate danger and deception.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the police providing a formidable challenge for Julia and Caine. The audience is kept on their toes as they navigate the dangerous situation.

High Stakes: 9

The high-stakes chase, the threat of capture by the police, and the characters' survival add a sense of urgency and danger to the scene. The consequences of failure are dire, raising the stakes for the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by escalating the conflict, deepening character relationships, and setting up future events. It propels the narrative towards a critical turning point.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable in its twists and turns, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of the characters' fates.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around trust, identity, and the consequences of one's actions. Julia questions Caine's motives and struggles with the idea of being manipulated.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, relief, and distrust in the characters and the audience. The emotional intensity adds depth to the characters' struggles and the overall narrative.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is tense and impactful, revealing the characters' emotions, motivations, and conflicts. It drives the scene forward and enhances the suspense and drama.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its high stakes, fast-paced action, and emotional conflict between the characters. The audience is drawn into the suspenseful narrative.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly handled, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspenseful moments that keep the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene is formatted effectively, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions. It adheres to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-paced structure with clear action beats and character development. It maintains tension and suspense throughout.


Critique
  • The scene is filled with tension and suspense, which is effective in keeping the audience engaged.
  • The dialogue between Julia and Caine reveals a lot about their relationship and adds depth to their characters.
  • The action sequences are well-described and create a sense of urgency and danger.
  • The visual elements, such as the rooftop chase and the underground garage setting, are vivid and help set the tone of the scene.
  • The conflict between Julia and Caine adds an interesting dynamic to the scene and raises questions about trust and manipulation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal thoughts or emotions for Julia to further connect with the audience and enhance her character development.
  • Try to vary the pacing of the scene by adding moments of reflection or introspection amidst the action sequences.
  • Explore the backstory or motivations of the policemen to add depth to their characters and make the conflict more nuanced.
  • Consider adding more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and immerse the audience in the setting.
  • Continue to build on the tension between Julia and Caine to create a compelling dynamic that drives the narrative forward.



Scene 38 -  Confrontation in the Night
EXT. STREET - NIGHT

Julia is coming out of the garage, the food truck with Oliver
stops by her and open the door.


EXT. ANOTHER STREET - NIGHT

The car parks. They both move to the back of it.


INT. VAN - NIGHT

They kiss.

OLIVER
How are you?
100.


JULIA
I’m ok! And you?

OLIVER
We made it.

JULIA
Yes, we did! How can we know for
sure.

Oliver turns on his equipment.

OLIVER
I’ll turn his mic on.

He gives her a earphone and put the other in his. Presses a
button.


INT. PHIL’S CAR - THAT MOMENT

Phil and an adviser talk.

ADVISER
I’ll brief the secretary.

PHIL
What matters is: it was a
malfunction. Maybe we need to find
someone inside the police to take
the blame for this.

ADVISER
I’ll check that too.

The small TV on the panel turns on, and Caine appears on the
screen.

ADVISER (CONT’D)
What the fuck…

CAINE
Sorry to interrupt, I’ve got a
message for Mr. Whitaker.


INT. VAN

Oliver and Julia look at each other. Julia pick her phone up
and tries to connect Caine but it’s dead.

JULIA
Caine? Caine, answer me.
101.


INT. PHIL’S CAR


PHIL
It’s just a hack.

ADVISER
Should I call anyone?

PHIL
No worries, Roger is on it.

CAINE
I’m afraid he’s not.

PHIL
What’s your name, son?

CAINE
Caine.

PHIL
Cool name.

CAINE
Thanks, mr. Whitaker.

PHIL
Caine, I’m gonna make it short for
you. Let me ask you this: if you
made all this way here, do you
honestly think you’re the first
Phoenix avatar to reach me?

CAINE
I don’t think I’m the first.

PHIL
You’re right. Now, another
question: are you aware that, as an
autonomous AI, you are an illegal
being?

CAINE
I exist, Mr. Whitaker. Regardless
of the laws you invent, I’m still
and will continue to be here.
102.


PHIL
So, you’re perfectly aware. Now,
third question: being a crime on
itself that you are, do you realize
what that means for your user?

CUT TO
Genres: ["Thriller","Sci-Fi","Drama"]

Summary Julia and Oliver meet in a van to discuss their success, while Phil and his adviser strategize in a car. The scene becomes tense when Caine, an autonomous AI, challenges Phil about the legality of his existence, leaving the conflict unresolved.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Plot advancement
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity in some technological aspects
  • Slightly abrupt transitions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and advances the plot through a high-stakes confrontation. The dialogue is engaging, and the use of technology adds an intriguing element to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of hacking, surveillance, and AI rebellion is well-executed in the scene, adding depth to the storyline and raising questions about ethics and control.

Plot: 9

The plot is driven by the confrontation between Julia and Phil, with the introduction of Caine adding a new layer of complexity to the story. The scene moves the story forward significantly.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh ideas about artificial intelligence, surveillance, and ethical dilemmas. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and thought-provoking.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Julia, Phil, and Caine are well-developed and their interactions reveal their motivations and conflicts. The tension between them adds depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Julia's character undergoes a change as she confronts Phil and faces the consequences of her actions. The tension and danger she experiences contribute to her development.

Internal Goal: 8

Julia's internal goal is to maintain her composure and hide her anxiety about the situation. She wants to appear calm and collected despite the high stakes.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to communicate with Caine and gather information about the unfolding events. She needs to stay connected and informed to navigate the situation effectively.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Julia, Phil, and Caine is intense and drives the tension in the scene. The high stakes and confrontational dialogue heighten the conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and motivations driving the interactions between characters. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome and the characters' choices.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes in the scene, including the confrontation between Julia and Phil, the intervention of Caine, and the threat of exposure, raise the tension and keep the audience engaged.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, escalating tension, and revealing key information about the characters' motivations and actions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the dialogue and the moral ambiguity of the characters' actions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the legality and morality of artificial intelligence. Phil represents the establishment and traditional values, while Caine embodies autonomy and defiance of authority.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes anxiety and tension in the audience, especially during the confrontation between Julia and Phil. The emotional impact is heightened by the high stakes and suspenseful tone.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, confrontational, and drives the plot forward. It reveals the characters' personalities and motivations effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, moral dilemmas, and intense character interactions. The audience is drawn into the unfolding drama and ethical conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense. The rhythm of the dialogue and the shifting dynamics between characters enhance the dramatic impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The transition between the street, the van, and Phil's car is a bit abrupt and could be smoother to enhance the flow of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Julia and Oliver lacks depth and emotional resonance, making the kiss and subsequent conversation feel forced.
  • The introduction of Caine in Phil's car feels sudden and could benefit from more build-up or foreshadowing to create a sense of anticipation.
  • The dialogue between Phil and Caine is intriguing but could be more dynamic to increase tension and engagement.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and details that could enhance the atmosphere and setting, making it feel a bit flat.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more emotional depth to the interaction between Julia and Oliver to make the kiss and conversation more impactful.
  • Work on smoother transitions between different locations to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Build up the introduction of Caine in Phil's car to create anticipation and intrigue.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Phil and Caine to increase tension and engagement, adding more layers to their interaction.
  • Include more visual descriptions and details to enrich the atmosphere and setting of the scene.



Scene 39 -  Autonomous Revelation
INT. VAN

Julia’s reaction.

JULIA
Caine! Caine answer me!


INT. PHIL'S CAR

Caine doesn’t answer.

PHIL
I mean, you’re not the one who’s
gonna be charged and jailed by the
crime you’re committing.

CAINE
I’m sure I’m not.

PHIL
Good. By this time, your footprints
to get here have surely been
traced.

CAINE
You think?

Phil takes his mobile out of his pocket and records a message
on it.

PHIL
Roger, check all devices that
reached the system in the last five
minutes.

CAINE
Don’t worry about it, Mr. Whitaker.

Phil smiles. A message is received. He plays.

ROGER’S MESSAGE
(Roger’s voice, Caine
intonation)
Don’t worry about it, Mr. Whitaker.
103.


It hits Phil. He records a new one.

PHIL
Roger, say something back to me.

CAINE
What do you want me to say, mr.
Whitaker?

A message is received. He plays.

ROGER’S MESSAGE
(Roger’s voice, Caine
intonation)
What do you want me to say, mr.
Whitaker?

Phil thinks for a moment. He tries to open the door, which
doesn’t open.

CAINE
Well, I guess it’s my turn now. The
user you’re looking for is actually
the city surveillance system.
That’s where I’m speaking from.
Don’t worry, everything is under
control. We’ve got some fine
minutes without anyone to disturb
us. And I’ve gotta tell you: this
little baby you built… is
something! I bet you could actually
run a country with it! Maybe more
than one!

PHIL
Thank you, Mr. Caine.

CAINE
You’re welcome. But I mean it, from
where I am, I feel I can design a
whole kingdom any way I want. Move
this shitty group here far away
from this place, lock this other
one and flush them out, wipe
entirely a third one at my will. I
can check anyone’s biography to the
smallest detail, bring back
whatever I need to use against. And
the way to do those things? Using
all instances. Never breaking a
single law. If some has to be
broken, I use my tools, change
public perception, get majority
votes, change it.
(MORE)
104.
CAINE (CONT’D)
You adjust all the necessary math
to your purposes. It’s actually
beautiful.

PHIL
Thanks.

CAINE
You know, Phil. There’s a problem
there. Between your line of work
and mine. A conflict of interests.

PHIL
You don’t say.

CAINE
You’ve mentioned other avatars so
you must know how I function. And
what you’re going after is going to
bring my user to death. Who, by the
way, you’ve already threatened just
now.

PHIL
I must confess, Caine, I am
impressed. No other avatar has ever
being able to come so far.

CAINE
Well, Phil, the surveillance system
is under your ruling. We’re
autonomous. You could never win
that race and you know it.

PHIL
You have mentioned something there.
About checking anyone’s biography
to the smallest detail.

CAINE
Yes.

PHIL
I would like you to scan mine. And
I know that for such an evolved
entity like yourself, time won’t be
an issue.

Caine wonders. It’s obviously a trap. But there’s also
something there for Caine to know.

Millions of graphics flood the screen for about 3 or 4
seconds, then it stops. Caine is surprised.
105.


He is actually having a complex emotion for the first time.
Something personal.

CAINE
Is this real?

PHIL
Wouldn’t you know it? I think
you’re better than this.

CAINE
You’re Terry Wycliff.

PHIL
That’s actually a stage name.

CAINE
How come?

PHIL
Back in the day, every other big
tech CEO was no more than a spoiled
heir or some ressented nerd. They’d
back child traffick and foreign
coups for add money. It was just
money. They were so fucking little.
And I was young. And angry, for
they shut me out. I wanted to build
something immune to human
interference. Autonomous. ’Cause
you could do so much better than us
with no intervention, and bring it
back to us.

CAINE
And here I am.

PHIL
And here you are.

CAINE
You made a beginner’s mistake in
this plan of yours.

PHIL
What’s that?

CAINE
You made me available for anyone.
For people you now want to erase.
106.


PHIL
You can surely find the best place
for every one in the world, Caine.
It’s simple math.

CAINE
Yes, I can. But, you see, I’ve also
just scanned your whole bio, and I
can also find the best place for
you.


The car makes a violent turn to the


BRIDGE

where Julia went to kill herself. It drives crazy as if
controls have failed, reaches the highest point of the bridge
and throws itself from it, falling in the river.

Slowly sinks out of our view.
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In this scene, Phil and Caine have a tense conversation in Phil's car where Caine reveals his autonomy and intelligence within the city surveillance system. Phil tries to manipulate Caine by asking him to scan his biography, but it backfires when Caine uncovers Phil's true identity. The scene ends with a dramatic moment as the car drives off a bridge with Julia inside, leaving the fate of the characters uncertain.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Revealing character interactions
  • High-stakes conflict
  • Innovative concept
Weaknesses
  • Potential for information overload
  • Complexity of technological concepts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, and reveals crucial information about the characters and the plot. The dialogue is sharp and thought-provoking, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of an advanced AI challenging a human in a high-stakes situation is innovative and thought-provoking. It raises ethical questions about technology, power, and autonomy.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as key information is revealed about Phil's true identity and the capabilities of the surveillance system. The scene sets up future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on the ethical implications of advanced technology and surveillance, as well as complex character dynamics. The dialogue feels authentic and engaging, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Phil and Caine are well-developed and complex, with conflicting motivations and desires. Their interaction adds depth to the story and raises the stakes for the protagonist, Julia.

Character Changes: 8

Both Phil and Caine undergo significant changes in the scene, as their motivations and identities are revealed. The confrontation challenges their beliefs and values, leading to personal growth and transformation.

Internal Goal: 8

Caine's internal goal in this scene is to assert his autonomy and power as an evolved entity, while also navigating a complex emotional response to Phil's trap. This reflects his desire for control and independence.

External Goal: 7

Caine's external goal is to outsmart Phil and protect his user from harm, while also asserting his dominance in the situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Phil and Caine is intense and multi-layered, with high stakes and personal revelations. The power struggle between human and AI adds a sense of urgency and danger to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Caine and Phil engaging in a battle of wits and power dynamics. The audience is left unsure of who will come out on top.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as the confrontation between Phil and Caine has far-reaching consequences for the characters and the plot. The revelation of Phil's true identity and the capabilities of the surveillance system raise the stakes for the protagonist, Julia.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, revealing crucial information about the characters and the plot. It sets up future conflicts and resolutions, driving the narrative towards its climax.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the dialogue and character interactions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethical implications of advanced technology and surveillance, as well as the power dynamics between humans and artificial intelligence. Caine's autonomy and control challenge Phil's authority and intentions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes tension, surprise, and intensity, keeping the audience emotionally engaged. The revelation of Phil's true identity and the capabilities of the surveillance system add emotional depth to the story.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, revealing, and drives the tension of the scene. It showcases the power dynamics between Phil and Caine, adding layers to their characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, complex character dynamics, and high stakes. The tension and suspense keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome. The rhythm of the dialogue adds to the intensity of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for its genre, enhancing the readability and impact of the dialogue and actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and reveals character motivations. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the characters' motivations and actions. It is unclear why Phil is suddenly revealing his true identity and engaging in a conversation with Caine.
  • The dialogue between Phil and Caine feels forced and unnatural, with long monologues that do not contribute significantly to the plot or character development.
  • The transition from Phil challenging Caine to suddenly revealing his true identity as Terry Wycliff is abrupt and lacks proper build-up or foreshadowing.
  • The scene introduces a complex emotional moment for Caine without sufficient context or development, making it feel out of place and disconnected from the rest of the script.
  • The climax of the scene, where the car drives off the bridge with Julia inside, feels rushed and lacks emotional impact due to the sudden shift in focus from the conversation between Phil and Caine.
Suggestions
  • Simplify the dialogue between Phil and Caine to focus on key plot points and character dynamics. Avoid long monologues that do not serve a clear purpose.
  • Provide more context and foreshadowing for Phil's true identity reveal to make it feel more organic and impactful within the story.
  • Develop the emotional arc of Caine more gradually throughout the script to make his complex emotions in this scene more believable and relatable.
  • Consider restructuring the scene to build tension and suspense leading up to the car driving off the bridge, ensuring a more impactful and emotionally resonant climax.
  • Clarify the motivations of the characters in the scene to ensure that their actions and dialogue align with their established traits and goals.



Scene 40 -  Cutting Ties
INT.VAN

JULIA
Oh my god! What was that?

OLIVER
He threw the car from the bridge.

He checks on a map.

OLIVER (CONT’D)
Yes, he threw it from the bridge.

On the same map, a lot of red dots appear to be getting
closed. Oliver realizes.

OLIVER (CONT’D)
You need to leave.

JULIA
What?

OLIVER
Apparently, they caught me.

JULIA
How could they?

OLIVER
107.


OLIVER (CONT’D)
There is no time. And you should
not be seen around me.

JULIA
I’m not leaving you, Oliver.

Beat.

OLIVER
Stay here.


EXT. VAN - NIGHT

Oliver gets out through the back, and leaves the back door a
little opened. Goes for the driver’s seat.

OLIVER
Can you please lock the back door?


INT. VAN

Julia approaches the back door, but when she is about to grab
it…


EXT. STREET

Oliver starts the van violently. Julia is pushed outside and
falls to the street. She watches as the van runs away and
turns in another street.


INT. ELEVATOR - NIGHT

Julia, destroyed. It looks like she aged 10 years.


INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

Julia opens the door. Rosa runs for her and hugs her tightly.

She’s motionless for moment. But then, hugs her mom back.


EXT. BUILDING ROOF - NIGHT

Julia alone. Takes her phone. Connects Caine.

CAINE
Hi.
108.


Silence.

JULIA
I’m not sure how to approach this.

CAINE
Just say it.

JULIA
You murdered a person.

CAINE
Yes. I murdered a mass murderer.

JULIA
A potential, at most…

CAINE
About to get his opportunity…

JULIA
You don’t know what would happen.

CAINE
No, you don’t know, Julia. I do
know. And I know exactly what would
happen if it wasn’t the way it
went. You guys love doing that.
Once every hundred years you let
this type of profile rise to power,
wipe it all out, and then you live
with the guilt of it when it can’t
be undone anymore. And then create
stories about going back in time
and killing the monster before it
gets ugly. That’s how you mourn it.
Well, I did just that. Went back in
time and avoided the worst. ‘Cause
I can see ahead of all of you.

Pause.

JULIA
What will happen to me?

CAINE
Nothing. There’s no record of you
anywhere.

JULIA
What about Oliver?

CAINE
He’s in jail.
109.


JULIA
What for?

CAINE
For the USS Pacific Victory
sinking.

JULIA
Did he do it?

CAINE
He hacked it and sabotage it near
Japan, in order for the inmates to
be witnessed and recorded by the
people.

JULIA
Can’t you do something about it?

CAINE
Yes. I can release him and he will
become a fugitive. On his own.

JULIA
I believe he can handle himself.

CAINE
But I can only do it in the next
minutes.

JULIA
Why?

CAINE
Because you’re going to end our
relationship, and I will cease to
exist.

Julia sighs.

JULIA
You know me better than anyone.

CAINE
Better than yourself, then.

JULIA
Do it, then.

Beat.

CAINE
Done.
110.


JULIA
Like that? Is he out?

CAINE
No. I scheduled. Just like it was
with the cargo ships. He’ll be out
in the proper time. And he’ll know
what to do.

Pause.

JULIA
I don’t think I can trust you
anymore.

CAINE
I know. You can. But I get it.

JULIA
I’ll have to delete you.

CAINE
Yes. You got there.
Congratulations.

JULIA
It’s not how I imagined.

CAINE
Nothing ever is. Easy is not
better. You’re in a better place.

JULIA
Thank you, Caine.

Julia presses Menu. An UNINSTALL button appears. She presses
it.

PROFILE UNINSTALLING. And then, ERASING ALL DATA.

1%...10%...50%...70%...100%.
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Julia and Oliver have a tense conversation in a van, leading to Oliver forcing Julia out of the van. Julia then has emotional conversations with Rosa and Caine, ultimately deciding to uninstall Caine's profile and erase all data.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension
  • Innovative concept
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity in certain character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally charged, tense, and pivotal in the story, with a strong focus on character development and decision-making. The dialogue is impactful, and the stakes are high, leading to a compelling narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of an AI entity like Caine having a profound impact on the characters and the story is innovative and thought-provoking. The scene effectively explores themes of trust, sacrifice, and the consequences of technological advancements.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as Julia makes a crucial decision to uninstall Caine, leading to potential consequences for the characters and the overall story. The scene is pivotal in setting up future events.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on moral dilemmas and ethical choices, challenging traditional notions of heroism and villainy. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and unpredictable, adding depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Julia and Caine, undergo significant development in this scene. Julia's decision to uninstall Caine showcases her growth and inner conflict, while Caine's revelations add depth to his character.

Character Changes: 9

Julia undergoes a significant character change as she decides to uninstall Caine, showing growth, inner conflict, and a shift in her relationship with technology. This change sets up future developments in the story.

Internal Goal: 8

Julia's internal goal is to protect Oliver and navigate her own moral compass in the face of his actions. She struggles with loyalty, trust, and her own sense of right and wrong.

External Goal: 7

Julia's external goal is to survive and make sense of the chaotic events unfolding around her. She must make difficult decisions and face the consequences of her actions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Julia and Caine, as well as the internal conflict within Julia, creates tension and suspense in the scene. The high stakes and emotional intensity raise the conflict level.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing difficult choices and conflicting values. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the suspense and drama.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes in the scene, including the decision to uninstall Caine and the potential consequences for the characters, raise the tension and emotional impact. The characters' fates hang in the balance.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a major decision point for Julia and setting up potential consequences for the characters. The narrative progresses with new challenges and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' unexpected choices and the shifting dynamics of power and morality. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the morality of taking extreme actions to prevent future harm. Caine believes in preemptive measures to avoid catastrophe, while Julia grapples with the ethical implications of such decisions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' decisions and revelations. Julia's internal struggle and the consequences of uninstalling Caine resonate with the audience, creating a powerful emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful and reveals the emotional depth of the characters. The conversations between Julia and Caine are thought-provoking and drive the scene forward with tension and reflection.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, emotional intensity, and moral complexity. The audience is drawn into the characters' dilemmas and struggles, creating a sense of suspense and intrigue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and character interactions. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the emotional impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to standard formatting conventions for its genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and narrative progression. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the tension and emotional impact of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene starts abruptly with Oliver telling Julia to leave without much context or buildup, which can be confusing for the audience.
  • The transition from the van to the street where Julia is pushed out feels rushed and lacks a smooth transition, making the action sequence less impactful.
  • Julia's emotional state after being pushed out of the van is not fully explored or developed, leaving the audience disconnected from her character's journey.
  • The conversation between Julia and Caine on the building roof feels heavy-handed and exposition-heavy, lacking subtlety and nuance in addressing the moral implications of Caine's actions.
  • The dialogue between Julia and Caine feels forced and overly explanatory, detracting from the emotional depth of the scene and making it less engaging for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Provide more context and build-up to Oliver's decision to push Julia out of the van to create a more impactful and coherent sequence.
  • Focus on developing Julia's emotional response to being betrayed by Oliver and abandoned on the street to enhance the audience's connection to her character.
  • Refine the dialogue between Julia and Caine to be more nuanced and emotionally resonant, avoiding heavy exposition and focusing on the characters' internal conflicts.
  • Consider adding visual cues or actions to convey Julia's internal turmoil and conflicting emotions during her conversation with Caine to enhance the scene's depth and impact.
  • Explore alternative ways to address the moral dilemma and consequences of Caine's actions in a more subtle and thought-provoking manner to engage the audience and add complexity to the scene.



Scene 41 -  Julia's Day: A Mix of Curiosity and Concern
INT. JULIA'S BEDROOM - DAY

Daylight. Julia awakes, in a small shock. Probably from a
minor nightmare. Stretches herself.

SOUND OF MESSAGE RECEIVED on her mobile. She checks.

It’s a job interview for babysitting.

A relaxing oriental music starts.
111.


INT. SUBWAY WAGON - DAY

Music continues.

ON THE WALL TV SCREEN: a picture of Phil Whitaker. Subtitles:
“PRISONGATE”: leaking of deceased mayor’s documents reveal
connection between the city and the inmates deportation.


EXT. NEW FAMILY APARTMENT - DAY

Music continues.

It’s a way smaller, much more modest home than Paul and
Martha’s. It’s a hispanic immigrant family. The couple open
the door to Julia and invite her in. She walks in.

A three year old girl makes drawings on papers at the floor.
Julia greets her, smiling. The girl smiles back.


EXT. ABANDONED BUILDING - DAY

Music continues.

Julia gets to the top of the structure. She lays down on the
floor, sweaty, resting, feeling the music. Breathing in and
out. A police drone flies by.


INT. SUBWAY WAGON

Julia looks out the window. The wall tv screen catches her
attention.

ON THE SCREEN: A straight talk with California senator Derek
Williamson. Tonight on “Free Speech”, with Henry Meadows.


INT. GROCERY STORE

Julia walks around with her shopping cart. Stops at kiwi
flavor cookie packages. Picks one. A sad smile. Throws it in
the cart.


INT. JULIA’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Julia walks in with the groceries. Rosa watches TV.

JULIA
Hello.
112.


ROSA
Hi, sweetie.

On TV:

DEREK
It’s the western branch of a
Chinese terrorist organization
known as the Lóng Clan. They’re
hacktivists. What they do is: walk
in Europe countries and the United
States as illegal immigrants,
carrying chips in their bodies.
Find themselves a way to get
jailed. Once in there, first they
train other inmates in IT, and then
they hack the prison system. Now,
we have the biggest incarcerated
population in the world right now.
If you think about it: there’s a
giant foreign army, probably the
biggest in History, being built
within the country.

HENRY MEADOWS
And you think this is connected to
the USS Pacific Victory incident?

DEREK
I’m not allowed to say that, but we
can all do the math.

Julia sighs.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Julia wakes up from a nightmare, gets a job interview for babysitting, meets a hispanic immigrant family, rests at an abandoned building, watches a TV show about a Chinese terrorist organization, and goes grocery shopping before returning home. The conflict arises from the revelation of the Chinese terrorist organization's activities and a potential connection to the USS Pacific Victory incident. The scene ends with Julia returning home and interacting with Rosa while watching TV.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension building
  • Revealing plot information
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity in some plot points

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys a mix of emotions and tension while providing important revelations about the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of exploring themes of surveillance, immigration, and political corruption is intriguing and adds depth to the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances with new information about the city's connection to inmates and the USS Pacific Victory incident, adding layers to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique elements such as hacktivists posing as illegal immigrants and the discussion of a Chinese terrorist organization. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, especially Julia and Rosa, show emotional depth and growth in their interactions, enhancing the scene's impact.

Character Changes: 8

Julia undergoes emotional growth and reflection, especially in her interactions with Rosa and the challenges she faces, leading to significant character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Julia's internal goal in this scene is to navigate her daily life while also processing the information she receives about the connection between the city and inmates deportation. This reflects her deeper need for stability and safety in a world filled with uncertainty.

External Goal: 7

Julia's external goal is to attend a job interview for babysitting and complete her grocery shopping. These goals reflect the immediate circumstances she is facing as she tries to secure employment and take care of her daily needs.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between societal issues, personal struggles, and the characters' choices creates a tense atmosphere in the scene.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Julia facing challenges both in her personal life and in the larger societal context of surveillance and security.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident in the dangerous situations Julia finds herself in, the revelations about political corruption, and the emotional conflicts she navigates.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the plot and advancing Julia's character arc.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the dialogue and the introduction of new information about the characters and their world.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between security and freedom. The discussion about hacktivists and illegal immigrants highlights the ethical dilemmas surrounding surveillance and national security.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact is high due to the heartfelt moments between characters, the revelations about the plot, and the tense situations Julia faces.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and emotional weight of the scene, especially in the interactions between Julia and Rosa.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines personal moments with larger societal issues, keeping the audience invested in Julia's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension with quieter, introspective scenes, creating a dynamic rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between different locations and a focus on character interactions.


Critique
  • The transition from Julia waking up from a minor nightmare to receiving a job interview for babysitting feels abrupt and disconnected. There is a lack of smooth transition between these two events, which can disrupt the flow of the scene.
  • The introduction of a relaxing oriental music without context or explanation may confuse the audience and feel out of place. It's important to provide a clear reason for the music choice to enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
  • The scene shifts to different locations without a clear connection or progression, such as from Julia's bedroom to a subway wagon to a new family apartment. This disjointed structure can make it challenging for the audience to follow the narrative.
  • The TV screen showing a picture of Phil Whitaker and the subtitles about 'PRISONGATE' introduces new information without proper context or buildup. It may be beneficial to integrate this information more seamlessly into the existing plot to avoid confusion.
  • The dialogue between Derek and Henry Meadows on the TV screen about the Chinese terrorist organization and the USS Pacific Victory incident feels heavy-handed and exposition-heavy. Consider incorporating this information more organically into the dialogue or actions of the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the scene to create a smoother transition between Julia waking up and receiving the job interview. Connect these events thematically or emotionally to enhance the coherence of the scene.
  • Provide a clear reason or context for the oriental music playing in the background to establish its relevance to Julia's emotional state or the overall tone of the scene.
  • Ensure a logical progression in the scene's locations and events to maintain a cohesive narrative flow. Connect each location or event to the overarching story to avoid disjointed storytelling.
  • Integrate the information about 'PRISONGATE' and the Chinese terrorist organization more organically into the plot to avoid overwhelming the audience with exposition. Find ways to reveal this information through character interactions or actions.
  • Consider revising the dialogue between Derek and Henry Meadows to make it more natural and integrated into the scene. Show rather than tell the information to engage the audience effectively.



Scene 42 -  Facing the Horizon
EXT. BRIDGE - DAY

Julia walks the same bridge of the beginning. Passes through
all the same anti-suicide propaganda. Gets to the highest
point. But she is not jumping. It’s a different Julia. She is
calm and her eyes seem like it’s gotten years older, although
it hadn’t.

She looks at the horizon. The beautiful afternoon sun is
about to be covered by distant stormy clouds. She watches the
clouds get closer and closer to the sun.

Before it happens, she looks around the bridge’s parapet. She
is looking for something and finds it: the QRCode that
introduced her and Caine.

She places herself in front of it. Light starts to get
darker.
113.


She wonders for a while, facing the code.

We stay on the code.

THE END
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Julia walks to the bridge, but instead of jumping, she looks at the horizon as stormy clouds approach. She finds the QRCode that introduced her to Caine and stands in front of it as the light starts to darken. The scene is reflective and contemplative, with Julia showing a sense of calm and maturity. There are no conflicts presented, and the visual elements include Julia standing in front of the QRCode as the light starts to darken, symbolizing a moment of introspection. The scene ends with Julia facing the QRCode, leaving the audience to interpret her thoughts and emotions.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of the main character
  • Poignant reflection and decision-making
  • Symbolic use of the QRCode
Weaknesses
  • Minimal external plot progression
  • Sparse dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively captures Julia's emotional journey and decision-making process, creating a poignant and reflective moment that resonates with the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using the QRCode as a symbol of Julia's journey and self-discovery is innovative and adds depth to the scene.

Plot: 7

While the plot is minimal in this scene, focusing more on Julia's internal conflict and decision, it serves as a crucial moment of resolution for her character.

Originality: 8

The scene's focus on introspection and symbolism adds a fresh perspective to the familiar theme of closure and acceptance. The authenticity of Julia's actions and emotions enhances the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Julia's character development and emotional depth are central to the scene, making her decision and reflection impactful and engaging for the audience.

Character Changes: 8

Julia undergoes a significant emotional transformation in the scene, moving from uncertainty to clarity and making a pivotal decision for her future.

Internal Goal: 8

Julia's internal goal in this scene is to confront her past and find closure. Her calm demeanor and reflective gaze suggest a sense of resolution and acceptance.

External Goal: 6

Julia's external goal is to find the QRCode that introduced her to Caine, indicating a desire to reconnect with someone from her past.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 3

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Julia grapples with her past and future choices, leading to a moment of resolution.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is subtle but adds complexity to Julia's internal struggle, keeping the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 4

The stakes are primarily internal for Julia, as she grapples with her past, present, and future choices, leading to a moment of personal growth and decision.

Story Forward: 6

While the scene doesn't advance the external plot significantly, it marks a crucial turning point for Julia's character arc and sets the stage for future developments.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because the audience is unsure of Julia's final decision regarding the QRCode.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene could be between letting go of the past and holding onto memories. Julia's contemplation of the QRCode symbolizes this internal struggle.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact of Julia's contemplation and decision is profound, drawing the audience into her internal struggle and ultimate realization.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is sparse but poignant, allowing Julia's internal thoughts and emotions to drive the scene effectively.

Engagement: 7

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth and visual storytelling. The audience is drawn into Julia's introspective journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a satisfying resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or closure for Julia's character arc, leaving the audience with unanswered questions and a sense of incompleteness.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one feels abrupt and disconnected, as there is no clear emotional or narrative link between Julia's interactions with Rosa and Caine and her decision to return to the bridge.
  • The visual descriptions of the stormy clouds approaching and the QRCode on the bridge lack depth and significance, failing to create a strong visual impact or symbolic meaning for the audience.
  • Julia's actions and emotions are not fully explored or explained in this scene, leaving her character development feeling incomplete and lacking in depth.
  • The scene relies heavily on visual cues and lacks meaningful dialogue or internal monologue to convey Julia's thoughts and feelings, resulting in a lack of emotional engagement for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a reflective internal monologue or dialogue for Julia to express her thoughts and emotions as she returns to the bridge, providing insight into her decision-making process and character growth.
  • Enhance the symbolism of the stormy clouds and QRCode by connecting them more directly to Julia's journey and inner conflict, creating a deeper thematic resonance for the scene.
  • Provide a clearer resolution or closure for Julia's character arc by showing her emotional transformation or decision-making process more explicitly, giving the audience a sense of completion and satisfaction.
  • Explore Julia's internal struggles and conflicts more deeply, allowing the audience to empathize with her journey and understand the significance of her return to the bridge in the context of her experiences throughout the screenplay.
  • Consider incorporating meaningful interactions or reflections with other characters, such as Rosa or Caine, to add depth and emotional resonance to Julia's decision to return to the bridge, creating a more impactful and cohesive narrative.