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Scene 1 -  Nightmare Unleashed
DREAM BOY
Written by
Dane Hooks
[email protected]

FADE IN:
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
BLACKNESS.
Slow, ragged breathing. Uneven. Not alone.
RILEY CARTER (17) bolts upright in bed -- gasping.
Her breath clouds the air -- too cold for indoors.
Then she sees it --
Curtains flutter in a sharp, icy draft --
The window is OPEN.
She fumbles for her lamp --
CLICK.
A moth SLAMS into the shade -- frantic. Manic.
Whump. Whump.
Its shadow twitches across the wall -- massive, erratic.
Riley looks down at her nightstand --
A stack of Polaroids. Neat. Face down.
The floorboards CREAK.
She stares. Flips the top one --
INSERT: Riley. Asleep. Tonight.
Her pulse pounds in her ears.
She flips the next --
INSERT: Closer now. Her lips parted. Dreaming.
Her breath catches. Fractures.
The Polaroids slip -- scatter across the floor like dead
leaves.
The room stills.
Then --

CREAK.
The bedsprings shift -- but she’s not moving.
She leans over the edge --
UNDER THE BED
Darkness. Pulsing.
SUDDENLY --
TWO HANDS EXPLODE FROM THE DARK
Clamp around her neck --
YANK her off the bed --
She hits the floor hard. Sheets twist around her -- a shroud.
From the darkness, ETHAN (19) unfolds --
Gaunt. Ferocious. Hunting knife in one hand.
He lunges at Riley -- slashes her throat --
Blood gushes. Hot -- across her chest.
BOOM!
The door slams open --
SANDY CARTER (50s) bursts in -- shotgun raised, trembling.
Her eyes are wide with horror and fury. She cocks the
chamber.
Red-and-blue strobe through the curtains --
SIRENS wail, drawing closer.
Ethan snarls. Cornered. Backs toward the window -- stops.
He locks eyes with Riley. Grins.
ETHAN
You're not done being mine.
BOOTS THUNDER down the hall.

POLICE OFFICER (O.S.)
Police! Drop the knife! On the
ground!
SMASH TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
Genres: ["Thriller","Horror"]

Summary In a chilling scene, 17-year-old Riley Carter awakens in her cold bedroom to find disturbing Polaroids of herself asleep. As she investigates strange noises, Ethan, a menacing figure, suddenly attacks her from under the bed, slashing her throat. Her mother, Sandy, bursts in with a shotgun just as police sirens wail outside, creating a tense standoff. Ethan threatens Riley while the police command him to surrender, leaving the scene on a cliffhanger of suspense and horror.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Effective tension-building
  • Shocking twist with Ethan's attack
  • Compelling mystery with Polaroids
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue
  • Potential for excessive violence

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively establishes a tense and terrifying atmosphere, introduces a compelling mystery with the Polaroids, and delivers a shocking twist with Ethan's sudden attack. The pacing and tension build-up are well-executed, keeping the audience on edge throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a terrifying intrusion into a character's nightmare-like reality is compelling and well-executed. The use of symbolic elements like the Polaroids adds depth to the narrative, hinting at a deeper connection between the characters.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is gripping, introducing a mystery with the Polaroids and escalating the tension with Ethan's sudden attack. The conflict and stakes are high, driving the narrative forward and leaving the audience eager to uncover the secrets behind the characters.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the thriller genre by blending elements of horror and psychological suspense. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic, contributing to the scene's originality and authenticity.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Riley and Ethan are intriguing and well-defined, with Riley's vulnerability contrasting with Ethan's menacing presence. Their interaction creates a sense of danger and mystery, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

While Riley undergoes a significant change from a state of vulnerability to facing mortal danger, Ethan's character remains consistent in his menacing presence. The scene sets up potential character development for Riley as she confronts the threat posed by Ethan.

Internal Goal: 9

Riley's internal goal is to confront her fears and unravel the mystery surrounding the Polaroids and the dark presence in her room. This reflects her deeper need for understanding and overcoming her subconscious anxieties.

External Goal: 8

Riley's external goal is to survive the attack by Ethan and the imminent danger in her room. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in a life-threatening situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and immediate, with Ethan's violent intrusion creating a life-threatening situation for Riley. The clash between characters and the high stakes elevate the tension and drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Ethan posing a significant threat to Riley's safety and well-being. The audience is kept in suspense about the outcome, adding a layer of unpredictability and tension to the scene.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with Riley facing a life-threatening situation at the hands of Ethan. The danger and violence raise the stakes dramatically, creating a sense of urgency and peril that drives the narrative forward.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a key mystery with the Polaroids, escalating the conflict with Ethan's attack, and setting the stage for further revelations and confrontations. It advances the plot while deepening the intrigue surrounding the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden twists, unexpected actions, and unresolved conflicts that keep the audience on edge. The element of surprise adds to the scene's suspense and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict lies in the power struggle between Ethan's possessiveness and Riley's autonomy. Ethan's belief in ownership clashes with Riley's desire for freedom and self-determination.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, shock, and suspense in the audience. The sudden violence and danger faced by Riley elicit strong emotions, drawing the audience into the harrowing situation.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and fear present in the scene, with Ethan's chilling words adding to the sense of impending danger. While limited, the dialogue serves to enhance the atmosphere and characterization.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, suspenseful atmosphere, and compelling character dynamics. The audience is drawn into the mystery and danger, eager to uncover the secrets and outcomes.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted to build tension, create suspense, and maintain a sense of urgency. The rhythmic flow of events and the strategic placement of action sequences enhance the scene's effectiveness and impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for a screenplay in the thriller genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue. The visual cues and transitions are effectively utilized to create a cinematic experience.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-structured format for a suspenseful thriller, effectively building tension and escalating the conflict. The pacing and sequencing of events enhance the scene's impact and engagement.


Critique
  • The opening scene effectively establishes a high-tension atmosphere right from the start, using sensory details like the ragged breathing, icy draft, and the frantic moth to immerse the audience in Riley's fear. This creates a strong hook that draws the reader in, making it a compelling introduction to the horror genre. However, while the buildup with the Polaroids is chilling and personalizes the threat, it could benefit from a slight extension to heighten the dread, as the quick transition to the attack might feel abrupt, reducing the emotional impact for some viewers.
  • Character introduction is handled efficiently for an action-oriented scene, with Riley's vulnerability and Ethan's ferocity being conveyed through visuals and actions rather than exposition. This is a strength in screenwriting, as it shows rather than tells, but the scene could delve deeper into Riley's immediate reactions to make her more relatable. For instance, her age (17) is mentioned, but there's little to convey her personality or backstory beyond the attack, which might make it harder for the audience to connect with her in this pivotal moment, especially since her trauma is a recurring element in the script.
  • The dialogue, particularly Ethan's line 'You're not done being mine,' is menacing and serves to underscore the personal stakes, but it risks feeling clichéd in the horror genre. While it fits the scene's intensity, it could be more nuanced to avoid predictability, perhaps by incorporating subtle hints of Ethan's obsession that tie into the larger narrative. Additionally, the police officer's off-screen shout adds urgency, but the rapid arrival of authorities might strain believability unless the setting implies a nearby station or prior call, which isn't clarified here.
  • Visually, the scene is vivid and cinematic, with elements like the moth's shadow and the scattering Polaroids creating a sense of chaos and vulnerability. This aligns well with the script's overall supernatural horror tone, as seen in later scenes. However, the reliance on jump scares (e.g., hands exploding from under the bed) could be balanced with more atmospheric tension to avoid desensitizing the audience early on, ensuring that the horror feels earned rather than reliant on shock value alone.
  • As the first scene in a 39-scene screenplay, it successfully sets up the central conflict and foreshadows Riley's ongoing trauma, which is referenced throughout the story. This is a strong narrative choice, but it might overwhelm new readers if the horror elements feel too intense without enough grounding in character or setting. Balancing the immediate action with subtle hints of the supernatural (like the moth or the open window) could better prepare the audience for the escalating events in subsequent scenes.
Suggestions
  • Extend the moment Riley discovers the Polaroids by adding a brief pause or internal reaction (e.g., a close-up on her face showing dawning horror) to build suspense before the attack, allowing the audience to feel her escalating fear more acutely.
  • Incorporate a small detail early in the scene to hint at Riley's backstory or personality, such as a photo frame on the nightstand or a subtle scar reference, to make her character more immediate and connect better with her arc in later scenes.
  • Refine Ethan's dialogue to make it less generic; for example, personalize the threat by referencing something specific from the Polaroids or her appearance, tying it more closely to his stalking behavior and making the line feel more original and impactful.
  • Consider adding a line or action that justifies the quick police response, such as a muffled siren in the background earlier or a neighbor's call implied through sound design, to enhance realism and maintain suspension of disbelief.
  • To improve the overall flow, intercut the action with quick cuts to Riley's mother preparing or moving toward the room, building parallel tension and making the rescue feel more dynamic and less sudden.



Scene 2 -  Echoes of Anxiety
INT. CAMPUS LIBRARY - NIGHT
Wind rattles against tall arched windows. Stacks loom tall.
At the end of a long oak table, bundled in a thick coat --
RILEY (20) sits alone, posture rigid, shoulders tight.
SUPER: THREE YEARS LATER
She flips through a heavy textbook. On the cover --
“Fear & Desire: A Psychological Study.”
Her fingers linger on the corner, trembling slightly, like
she’s bracing for something to leap from the text itself.
A faint CREAK echoes between the stacks.
Riley stiffens. Her breath hitches.
She looks up --
Rows of books stare back.
Silence.
She pulls her coat tighter. Inhales --
In four. Hold. Out six.
EXT. CAMPUS LIBRARY - NIGHT
Thick snowflakes swirl around Riley as she passes the frosted
glass entry.
A SHADOW paces her inside -- in perfect step.
Genres: ["Horror","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary In a dimly lit campus library at night, Riley, a 20-year-old woman, sits alone, reading a heavy textbook on psychology. As she grapples with her anxiety, a mysterious creak startles her, prompting her to perform calming breathing exercises. The scene shifts outside, where snow falls gently, and a shadow inside the library eerily mirrors her movements, heightening the suspense and leaving an unsettling tension unresolved.
Strengths
  • Effective atmosphere building
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional resonance
Weaknesses
  • Limited plot progression
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene excels in building tension and establishing a foreboding atmosphere, keeping the audience engaged and on edge throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring fear and psychological study is intriguing and well-integrated into the scene, adding depth to the character and narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot progression in this scene focuses more on character development and setting up the psychological themes rather than advancing the main storyline.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces a fresh approach to exploring internal conflicts and psychological themes through subtle character actions and atmospheric details. The authenticity of Riley's reactions adds depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-defined, especially the protagonist, whose internal struggles and fears are effectively portrayed, adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

The protagonist undergoes a subtle but significant change, transitioning from fear and trauma to a more controlled and resilient state.

Internal Goal: 8

Riley's internal goal in this scene is to confront her fears and desires, as indicated by her interaction with the textbook 'Fear & Desire: A Psychological Study' and her physical reactions of trembling and bracing herself. This reflects her deeper emotional needs and psychological struggles.

External Goal: 7.5

Riley's external goal is to maintain composure and control in the face of a perceived threat or unsettling presence in the library. She tries to stay calm and composed despite her fear.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7.5

The conflict is more internal and psychological, adding layers to the narrative and character development.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Riley facing an unseen threat or presence that challenges her composure and forces her to confront her fears.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high on an emotional and psychological level, with the protagonist facing internal demons and fears.

Story Forward: 7

While the scene doesn't advance the main plot significantly, it lays a solid foundation for character arcs and thematic exploration.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it keeps the audience guessing about the nature of the threat or presence in the library, creating a sense of suspense and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of fear, desire, and self-discovery. Riley's internal struggle with confronting her fears and desires mirrors a larger philosophical conflict about the nature of human emotions and motivations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, tapping into primal fears and anxieties.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue is minimal but impactful, enhancing the atmosphere and character dynamics within the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its atmospheric tension, character introspection, and the sense of mystery surrounding Riley's actions and reactions.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, allowing moments of quiet introspection to contrast with moments of heightened action or reaction.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay scene, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and character actions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-structured format for a suspenseful, character-driven moment, effectively building tension and setting up the protagonist's internal and external goals.


Critique
  • This scene effectively serves as a bridge from the intense trauma of Scene 1 to the present day, using a time jump indicated by the 'THREE YEARS LATER' super to show the lasting impact on Riley. It subtly conveys her ongoing psychological struggle through physical cues like her rigid posture, trembling fingers, and controlled breathing exercises, which mirror the coping mechanisms hinted at in her backstory. This approach avoids heavy exposition, allowing the audience to infer her anxiety from actions rather than dialogue, which is a strength in screenwriting for maintaining pacing and immersion.
  • The use of sensory details, such as the faint creak and the wind rattling the windows, builds a tense atmosphere that echoes the dread from the previous scene. The breathing exercise (in four, hold, out six) is a clever callback to Riley's trauma, reinforcing character consistency and adding depth to her portrayal as a survivor dealing with PTSD. However, the transition to the exterior shot feels somewhat abrupt, with the shadow pacing her introduced suddenly, which might confuse viewers if not clearly connected to the internal tension; it could benefit from more foreshadowing to make the ominous element feel earned rather than tacked on.
  • Pacing is generally strong for a short scene, creating suspense through Riley's heightened alertness and the false alarm of the creak, which keeps the audience on edge. This mirrors the jump-scare style of Scene 1 but in a more subdued way, effectively ratcheting up tension for the horror genre. That said, the scene risks feeling too insular, focusing solely on Riley without broader context, which might make it less engaging if viewers aren't immediately invested in her character arc. The exterior shot adds visual variety and foreshadows potential threats, but it could be more integrated to heighten the sense of being watched, a recurring motif in the script.
  • Character development is handled well here, with Riley's actions speaking volumes about her mental state—reading a book titled 'Fear & Desire: A Psychological Study' suggests she's actively trying to understand and confront her trauma, which is a nuanced touch. However, the scene could delve deeper into her emotional world; for instance, her trembling fingers and rigid posture are vivid, but adding a micro-expression or a subtle prop interaction (like pausing on a specific page) might make her internal conflict more relatable and less generic. Overall, as the second scene in a 39-scene script, it successfully reintroduces Riley and sets a tone of lingering dread, but it could strengthen the narrative link to the larger story by hinting at the supernatural elements that escalate later.
  • Visually and thematically, the scene aligns with the script's horror elements, using the library's isolated, shadowy environment to evoke vulnerability and the unknown. The snow and cold weather motif ties into the blizzard-heavy later scenes, creating a cohesive atmosphere, but the shadow pacing Riley feels like a missed opportunity for subtlety—it could be described with more ambiguity to build mystery. Additionally, while the scene ends on a suspenseful note, it might lack a strong hook to propel the audience into Scene 3; the pacing shadow is intriguing, but ensuring it resonates emotionally with Riley's history could make the transition smoother and more impactful.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate a brief, subtle flashback or auditory cue (e.g., a faint echo of ragged breathing from Scene 1) during Riley's breathing exercise to explicitly connect her current anxiety to the past trauma, making the scene more emotionally resonant without overloading it with exposition.
  • Enhance the description of the shadow in the exterior shot by adding more sensory details, such as how it distorts the light or syncs with Riley's footsteps, to make it feel more integrated and less like a sudden reveal; this could involve specifying camera angles, like a slow pan or a match cut, to build suspense gradually.
  • Add a small character beat, such as Riley glancing at a scar or touching her neck absentmindedly while reading, to reinforce her trauma and make her actions more personal and engaging, helping the audience empathize with her ongoing struggle.
  • Extend the interior moment slightly by varying Riley's reactions to the creak—perhaps she scans the room more thoroughly or uses a prop like her phone to check for threats— to heighten tension and give the audience more time to absorb the atmosphere before cutting to the exterior.
  • Consider refining the transition between interior and exterior by using a sound bridge (e.g., the wind sound carrying over) or a visual motif (like the moth from Scene 1 reappearing subtly) to create a smoother flow and emphasize thematic continuity, ensuring the scene feels like a natural progression in the story.



Scene 3 -  Echoes in the Blizzard
EXT. SORORITY HOUSE - NIGHT
The blizzard SHRIEKS, tearing at the trees.

Through the white squall, a sorority house looms into view --
A Tudor relic sagging under snow -- steep gables clawing
upward.
Riley trudges up the front steps, her boots sinking in the
snow with each heavy step.
The mullioned windows glare out like rows of black, glassy
eyes.
Watching.
INT. FOYER - NIGHT
The front door SLAMS behind Riley.
She stomps her boots -- brushes the snow from her coat.
The foyer looms around her --
Grand once, but decayed.
A grand staircase curves upward like the ribcage of a massive
beast.
A cold draft curls around Riley’s ankles.
She stiffens -- shivers.
From deep below, faint and muffled --
RING.
Riley’s jaw tightens.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary In a chilling blizzard at night, Riley struggles through deep snow to reach a decaying Tudor-style sorority house. Once inside, she shakes off the snow and surveys the eerie, grand yet deteriorating interior. As a cold draft envelops her, she hears a faint, muffled ring from below, heightening her tension and leaving her on edge in the foreboding atmosphere.
Strengths
  • Atmospheric descriptions
  • Building tension
  • Creating unease
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Sparse dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene excels in setting a foreboding tone and establishing a sense of dread through its detailed descriptions and eerie ambiance. However, it could benefit from further character development and plot progression within this specific scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of using the sorority house as a backdrop for suspense and fear is intriguing and well-implemented. The scene effectively utilizes the setting to create a sense of isolation and impending danger.

Plot: 7.5

While the plot progression is limited within this scene, the introduction of the sorority house as a significant location hints at future developments and adds depth to the overall narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the haunted house trope by blending elements of gothic horror with a contemporary setting. The authenticity of Riley's reactions and the eerie atmosphere contribute to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Character development is minimal in this scene, with the focus primarily on Riley's reactions to the eerie environment. Further exploration of character motivations and dynamics could enhance the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While Riley experiences a sense of fear and unease, her character development is limited within this scene. Further exploration of her emotional journey could enhance the impact of her experiences.

Internal Goal: 8

Riley's internal goal in this scene is to confront her fears and anxieties, as indicated by her physical reactions to the environment. Her deeper need for security and comfort is reflected in her body language and responses to the setting.

External Goal: 7.5

Riley's external goal is to investigate the source of the ringing sound coming from deep below the sorority house. This goal reflects the immediate challenge she faces in the scene and drives her actions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene establishes a moderate level of conflict through the eerie atmosphere and Riley's sense of impending danger. The tension is palpable but could be further heightened with additional plot developments.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Riley facing internal and external challenges that create obstacles to her goals. The mysterious ringing sound and the eerie setting present difficulties that add complexity to the narrative.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are moderately high in the scene, with Riley facing unknown dangers within the eerie sorority house. The sense of isolation and impending threat raises the stakes for her character.

Story Forward: 8

The scene contributes to moving the story forward by introducing the sorority house as a significant location and setting the stage for future developments. It hints at underlying mysteries and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces eerie elements and mysterious sounds that keep the audience guessing about what will happen next. The sense of foreboding and uncertainty adds to the tension and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of fear versus curiosity, decay versus tradition, and isolation versus exploration. Riley's beliefs and values are challenged by the eerie environment and the unknown source of the ringing sound.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a strong emotional response through its tense atmosphere and portrayal of Riley's growing fear. The sense of isolation and unease resonates with the audience.

Dialogue: 6.5

Dialogue is sparse in this scene, with more emphasis placed on atmospheric descriptions. Introducing meaningful exchanges between characters could add depth to the narrative.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its immersive atmosphere, compelling character dynamics, and the sense of mystery and suspense it creates. The reader is drawn into Riley's journey and the unfolding events.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of events leading to the ringing sound. The rhythm of the action and dialogue enhances the atmospheric quality of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and character cues. The visual presentation enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and suspense. The pacing and sequencing of events align with the genre expectations, creating a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a foreboding atmosphere that aligns with the overall horror tone of the screenplay, using vivid descriptions like the sorority house's Tudor architecture sagging under snow and the windows resembling watchful eyes. This gothic imagery immerses the audience in a sense of decay and isolation, which is consistent with Riley's traumatic history from Scene 1 and the anxious buildup in Scene 2. However, while these metaphors are evocative, they risk becoming overly reliant on visual clichés (e.g., the staircase likened to a ribcage), which could dilute their impact if similar devices are overused later in the script. To maintain freshness, the writer should vary sensory inputs to avoid predictability and ensure the atmosphere feels organic rather than formulaic.
  • Riley's character is portrayed with subtle physical reactions—such as stiffening at the draft and tightening her jaw at the ringing sound—that convey her ongoing anxiety and vulnerability, providing a strong link to her past trauma. This helps build empathy and continuity from the previous scenes, where her breathing exercises and shadowed pursuer highlight her psychological state. That said, the scene lacks deeper insight into her thoughts or emotions, making her feel somewhat passive. As a key protagonist, Riley's internal conflict could be amplified through more nuanced actions or brief sensory details that reflect her mindset, such as a fleeting memory or a physical tic, to make her journey more engaging and relatable for the audience.
  • The introduction of the faint, muffled ring from below is a clever foreshadowing element that heightens suspense and ties into the supernatural themes that unfold later in the story, such as the 'Dream Boy' game and the ringing phone. It effectively creates a sense of unease and anticipation, ending the scene on a tense note that propels the narrative forward. However, the sound's ambiguity might confuse viewers if not contextualized better within the scene's flow. Without clearer connections to Riley's experiences or the house's history, it could feel like an arbitrary detail rather than an integral part of the building dread, potentially weakening the scene's contribution to the overall arc.
  • As a transitional scene, it successfully shifts Riley from the external world of the library to the confined, ominous space of the sorority house, maintaining the script's momentum and escalating tension through environmental details. The blizzard's intensity and the house's decayed grandeur mirror Riley's internal turmoil, reinforcing the theme of entrapment and hidden dangers. Nonetheless, the scene's brevity and focus on description over action might make it feel slow or expository, especially in a horror genre where pacing is critical. Balancing atmospheric buildup with subtle character-driven moments could prevent it from serving merely as a setup, ensuring it actively advances the story rather than just setting the stage.
  • The visual and auditory elements, such as the slamming door, stomping boots, and cold draft, effectively use sound and movement to create a tactile, immersive experience that draws the audience into the moment. This aligns well with the screenplay's horror style, emphasizing isolation and the uncanny. However, the scene could benefit from more dynamic cinematography in the script directions—such as specifying camera angles or movements—to guide the visual storytelling and heighten the emotional impact. For instance, a slow pan across the watchful windows or a close-up on Riley's face could make the horror more personal and visceral, but as written, it relies heavily on static descriptions that might not translate as powerfully to screen.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate additional sensory details beyond visuals, such as the howl of the wind, the creak of settling snow, or the musty odor of the decaying foyer, to engage more senses and deepen the immersive quality, making the audience feel the cold and isolation more acutely.
  • Add a brief internal monologue or a subtle physical action tied to Riley's trauma, like her hand instinctively touching her scar or a quick flashback cut, to provide more emotional depth and strengthen the connection to her character arc from earlier scenes.
  • Clarify the source or implication of the ringing sound by hinting at its origin through Riley's reaction or a faint visual cue, such as her eyes darting toward the basement, to build curiosity without spoiling future reveals and making the foreshadowing more effective.
  • Adjust the pacing by interspersing Riley's actions with quicker cuts or varied shot descriptions to maintain tension, ensuring the scene doesn't linger too long on static elements and transitions smoothly into the next part of the story.
  • Experiment with camera directions in the screenplay to enhance the horror elements, such as using low-angle shots for the staircase or tracking shots as Riley moves, to make the scene more cinematic and emphasize the theme of being watched or pursued.



Scene 4 -  Shadows of the Blizzard
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Holiday lights sag in lazy zigzags across the walls, half
their bulbs burned out.
A grandfather clock ticks somewhere behind the girls -- too
loud in the quiet.
On a beanbag, CHELSEA (20) — glossy, curated, every gesture
practiced -- scrolls her phone.
BROOKE (21) perches on the arm of the couch like it’s her
throne, one hand balancing a glass of cheap wine, the other
digging into a half-empty bag of chips.

LILLY (20) curls in an oversized chair, swallowed by a faded
blanket and a battered copy of “Wuthering Heights.”
The room feels lived-in, but in that end-of-semester, half-
feral way -- crumbs, wine rings, and exhaustion.
Floorboards CREAK somewhere in the house.
Riley shuffles in from the cold, cheeks pink -- throws her
backpack to the floor with a thud.
BROOKE
Ayyy, she lives. The library goblin
returns.
CHELSEA
Welcome back to civilization. Kind
of.
RILEY
I was just in civilization. It’s
called a library.
Riley glances at the table --
Half-burnt candles, empty bottles, crumbs.
Chelsea finally looks up from her phone -- studies Riley.
CHELSEA
You okay? You look pale.
Riley blinks, caught off guard by the concern.
RILEY
Yeah, fine.
Chelsea angles herself by the frosted window -- the
reflection of her ring light haloing her face.
CHELSEA
Blizzard selfie!
FLASH -- white light flattens everyone’s faces, ghostly.
She checks the photo.
CHELSEA (CONT'D)
Ugh. My hair looks weird, but I
still look pretty hot. Let the
double-taps begin, ladies.

RILEY
Being seen isn't the same as being
safe.
CHELSEA
What’s wrong with wanting to be
seen?
Lilly doesn’t look up.
LILLY
It’s shallow.
CHELSEA
Seriously, Lilly? People only call
you shallow when they’re drowning.
Lilly finally looks up -- a sharp flicker in her eyes.
LILLY
Maybe I’m just better at treading
water.
BROOKE
Okay everyone, chill.
CHELSEA
Relax. I’ve got pepper spray and a
rape whistle. Totally invincible.
RILEY
You don’t know it’s dangerous --
until it is.
Chelsea chuckles to herself, amused.
CHELSEA
Okay, Freud -- what are you
diagnosing us with this time?
RILEY
No. This is from personal
experience.
The room stills. Chelsea’s smirk falters.
The clock ticks louder.
BROOKE
(mutters)
Well, there goes the vibe.
Lilly peers out the frosted window --

Snow swirls so thick it seems alive -- writhing under the
streetlight.
LILLY
Blizzards make you feel safe...
But it’s a trick -- so you forget
you’re trapped.
BROOKE
Jesus, Lilly.
CHELSEA
Yeah. Seriously.
Lilly turns another page, eyes glassy in the candlelight.
Riley’s gaze shifts to the window. Her reflection stares back
--
A SHAPE behind her. Still. Watching.
She blinks --
It’s Gone.
TICK... TICK... TICK...
Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a dimly lit living room during a blizzard, Chelsea, Brooke, Lilly, and Riley navigate a tense atmosphere filled with sarcasm and underlying dread. Chelsea is absorbed in social media, while Riley warns that visibility does not equate to safety, drawing from her own experiences. Lilly criticizes Chelsea's superficiality, and as the blizzard outside creates a false sense of security, Riley notices a mysterious shape in the window reflection. The scene culminates in an uneasy silence, marked by the loud ticking of a grandfather clock, leaving the group's conflicts unresolved.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Intriguing character dynamics
  • Subtle hints at deeper mysteries
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some moments could be further developed for added impact
  • Dialogue could benefit from more subtlety in delivery

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene effectively establishes a tense and eerie atmosphere, introduces intriguing character dynamics, and hints at deeper mysteries. The dialogue is engaging and reveals underlying tensions among the characters. However, some moments could be further developed to enhance the overall impact.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of exploring past traumas, hidden dangers, and the complexities of safety and visibility is intriguing and well-executed. The scene effectively sets up future developments and hints at deeper layers of the story.

Plot: 8.4

The plot is advanced through character interactions, dialogue, and subtle hints at past events. The scene sets up potential conflicts and mysteries to be explored later in the story. However, some plot points could be further developed for added depth.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces fresh perspectives on themes of safety, visibility, and personal experiences through the characters' interactions and dialogue, offering a nuanced portrayal of youthful dynamics and vulnerabilities.


Character Development

Characters: 8.7

The characters are distinct and engaging, each contributing to the tension and dynamics of the scene. Their interactions reveal underlying tensions and hint at personal histories that add depth to the narrative. Further development of character arcs could enhance the overall impact.

Character Changes: 8

While subtle, the scene hints at potential character changes and growth, particularly in relation to past traumas and hidden dangers. The characters' interactions and reactions suggest internal struggles and personal development.

Internal Goal: 8

Riley's internal goal is to express her personal experiences and concerns about safety and visibility, hinting at deeper emotional vulnerabilities and fears.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to navigate social interactions and maintain a sense of belonging within the group despite differing perspectives and tensions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.3

The scene contains subtle conflicts and tensions among the characters, hinting at deeper conflicts to come. The sense of unease and foreboding adds to the overall conflict level, setting up potential confrontations and resolutions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with tensions arising from differing perspectives and personal experiences among the characters, creating a sense of unpredictability and emotional depth.

High Stakes: 8

The scene establishes high stakes through the sense of danger, past traumas, and hidden threats lurking beneath the surface. The characters' safety and well-being are at risk, adding tension and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key elements, setting up conflicts, and hinting at future developments. It establishes a foundation for future plot twists and character arcs, driving the narrative towards resolution.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable in its shifts between humor, vulnerability, and unease, keeping the audience intrigued about the characters' motivations and interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of visibility, safety, and the depth of personal experiences, challenging the characters' perceptions of each other and themselves.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.6

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including fear, concern, amusement, and defensiveness. The tense atmosphere and character dynamics create an emotional connection with the audience, setting up future emotional payoffs.

Dialogue: 8.6

The dialogue is sharp and revealing, capturing the characters' personalities and relationships effectively. It adds depth to the scene and hints at underlying conflicts and motivations. Some moments could benefit from more subtlety in delivery.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of humor, tension, and introspection, drawing the audience into the characters' dynamics and emotional complexities.

Pacing: 8.5

The scene's pacing effectively builds tension, allows for moments of introspection, and maintains a dynamic rhythm that enhances the emotional impact of the characters' interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to expected formatting standards for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character introductions, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure that balances dialogue, action, and introspective moments effectively, contributing to the overall flow and engagement of the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a lived-in, claustrophobic atmosphere that mirrors the characters' emotional states and the overarching theme of unease and decay in the screenplay. The description of the sagging holiday lights, messy room, and loud ticking clock creates a subtle sense of dread that builds on the tension from previous scenes, such as the muffled ring in Scene 3 and Riley's trauma in Scene 1. However, the reliance on familiar horror tropes—like the ominous clock ticking and a mysterious shape in the window—might feel clichéd to some audiences, potentially reducing the originality of the suspense. This could be an opportunity to innovate by integrating more unique sensory details that tie into the script's supernatural elements, such as the blizzard or Riley's personal history, to make the atmosphere feel more personal and less generic.
  • Character interactions and dialogue reveal key personality traits and conflicts, which is a strength in advancing character development and thematic depth. For instance, Riley's line about 'being seen isn't the same as being safe' cleverly connects to her traumatic backstory from Scene 1, adding layers to her character and foreshadowing potential dangers. Similarly, the exchanges between Chelsea, Lilly, and Brooke highlight interpersonal tensions, such as Chelsea's vanity and defensiveness, which could symbolize broader themes of superficiality versus vulnerability. That said, some dialogue feels on-the-nose or stereotypical, like Chelsea's selfie obsession and Brooke's mediation attempts, which might come across as caricatured rather than nuanced. This could alienate readers or viewers who expect more subtle, realistic interactions, especially in a screenplay that deals with serious themes like trauma and supernatural horror.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally well-handled, starting with casual banter to ground the characters in normalcy before escalating to subtle horror elements, which mirrors the slow-burn approach of earlier scenes. This build-up effectively transitions from the isolation in Scene 3 to this group dynamic, heightening the sense of entrapment. However, the ending, with Riley noticing the mysterious shape and it disappearing, feels abrupt and underdeveloped, lacking sufficient payoff or integration with the surrounding action. It risks confusing the audience if not clearly connected to the script's motifs, such as the shadows in Scene 2 or the draft in Scene 3, and could benefit from more gradual foreshadowing to make the supernatural hint more impactful and less like a jump scare.
  • The scene's role in the larger narrative is solid, serving as a transitional moment that deepens character relationships and amplifies tension before more intense events. Riley's entrance and her guarded responses provide continuity from her anxious state in Scenes 2 and 3, while Lilly's comment about the blizzard's false security ties into the theme of deception and danger lurking beneath the surface. On the downside, the scene could do more to explore the group dynamics in a way that feels organic, as the conflict between characters sometimes overshadows the building horror. Additionally, the lack of visual or auditory variety—such as varying the clock's ticking or adding more environmental reactions—might make the scene feel static, reducing its ability to hold audience engagement in a medium that relies heavily on visual storytelling.
  • Overall, the scene successfully conveys a sense of impending doom and character vulnerability, which is crucial for a horror screenplay. The use of the blizzard outside as a metaphor for emotional and physical isolation is poignant and aligns with Riley's internal struggles. However, the supernatural element introduced at the end—the mysterious shape—feels tacked on and could be better motivated by Riley's psychology or the house's history, making it a missed opportunity to deepen the thematic resonance. Strengthening this connection would not only improve scene cohesion but also enhance the reader's understanding of how individual scenes contribute to the script's exploration of fear, trauma, and the supernatural.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more nuanced and less stereotypical; for example, expand Chelsea's character by showing her vulnerability through subtext rather than direct defensiveness, which could add depth and make her more relatable.
  • Enhance the supernatural elements by adding subtle foreshadowing earlier in the scene, such as having the window reflection distort slightly during Chelsea's selfie or incorporating faint sounds that echo the muffled ring from Scene 3, to build tension more gradually and make the shape's appearance feel earned.
  • Vary the use of recurring audio cues like the clock ticking by integrating it with character actions or emotions—e.g., syncing it with Riley's breathing exercises—to avoid repetition and create a more dynamic soundscape that heightens suspense without relying on clichés.
  • Strengthen character development by including small, telling actions or gestures that reveal backstories; for instance, have Riley subtly touch her scar during the dialogue about safety, directly linking to her trauma in Scene 1 and making her warnings more visceral and personal.
  • Improve pacing by tightening redundant lines in the banter and focusing on key moments that advance the plot or character arcs, ensuring the scene transitions smoothly into the next while maintaining a sense of escalating dread, perhaps by ending with a closer shot on Riley's reaction to heighten emotional impact.



Scene 5 -  Reflections of Comfort and Unease
INT. RILEY’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Riley peels off her damp sweater -- goosebumps rise on her
arms; her shoulder blades are sharp.
The room is still -- dimly lit by the warm halo of a single
bedside lamp.
Her reflection catches her in the mirror above the dresser.
She pauses.
Her fingers brush her throat, tugging her collar aside --
A jagged, pale scar.
She clenches her jaw.
Inhales -- In four. Hold. Out six.
Her eyes drift to the corkboard above her desk --
A mosaic of pinned memories -- girls in matching jackets,
Halloween costumes, formals.

Laughter, frozen in time.
Riley crosses to it, her fingertips grazing the snapshots.
Her expression softens -- just barely.
Then --
RUSTLING.
Subtle. Not the storm.
She turns.
The closet door is slightly ajar.
She approaches --
One slow, measured step at a time.
Her fingers tremble around the knob...
She yanks it open --
WHOOSH!
A burst of MOTHS explodes into the air -- their papery wings
batter against her face.
They spiral -- vanishing into corners like dying sparks.
She stumbles back, gasping; her eyes dart to the now-empty
closet.
Behind her, the mirror catches her again --
But her reflection lingers behind for a half-beat -- just
long enough to unsettle her.
Riley blinks.
Her reflection syncs again.
She exhales. Shaky.
The door creaks open behind her --
Lilly stands in the threshold, carrying two steaming mugs --
oversized and mismatched.
LILLY
Hot cocoa with extra courage.
She steps in, handing one to Riley.

Their fingers brush -- Riley’s are still shaking.
RILEY
Thanks. I needed --
LILLY
-- Yeah. Me too.
They sip. For a breath, there’s silence. A warmth.
Lilly eyes the corkboard. Points to a photo.
LILLY (CONT'D)
Rush Week freshman year. Right?
RILEY
Yeah.
Riley plucks the photo --
INSERT: She and Lilly, two years younger, arms around each
other, faces half-painted with glitter and Greek letters, mid-
laugh.
RILEY (CONT'D)
God. We look like feral camp
counselors.
LILLY (LAUGHING)
That was the night you dared
Chelsea to chug a Natty Light
through a Twizzler.
RILEY
And she tried. Twice.
LILLY
And threw up on Brooke’s Uggs.
They laugh -- unguarded for a moment.
Then it fades -- slowly, gently.
LILLY (CONT'D)
I miss that. When everything still
felt... possible.
Riley leans against the edge of the dresser, cradling her mug
with both hands.
RILEY
Back when we thought being here
would make us new people.
(MORE)

RILEY (CONT'D)
Better versions of ourselves.
Lilly studies Riley’s face.
LILLY
You never really bought into any of
it, did you?
Riley sits on the bed, glancing at the corkboard.
RILEY
I thought surviving meant I’d get
stronger. That if I kept going,
I’d... heal eventually.
LILLY (GENTLY)
And now?
Riley looks down at her scar.
RILEY
Now, I just don’t want to feel
broken in front of people who don’t
know what it’s like.
A heavy beat. Lilly sits beside her, quiet.
LILLY
I know what it’s like -- hiding the
cracks. Wondering if people would
stay if they saw the truth.
Then --
Laughter from below.
Both girls look down.
LILLY (CONT'D)
Should we go check on Brooke and
Chelsea?
They laugh.
RILEY
Yeah, before they burn the house
down.
Lilly finishes the last sip of cocoa -- sets the mug down.
They stand and step out into the hallway.
The door swings SHUT behind them --

The lamp flickers.
A single moth clings to the mirror.
Its wings flutter once.
Then -- still.
Genres: ["Thriller","Psychological Drama"]

Summary In a dimly lit bedroom, Riley confronts her trauma as she notices a scar on her throat and reflects on old memories pinned to a corkboard. A sudden rustling from the closet startles her, releasing a swarm of moths that heightens her anxiety. Just then, her friend Lilly enters with hot cocoa, providing comfort and sparking a nostalgic conversation about their college days. They share laughter and deeper emotions about feeling broken, but the warmth fades as they acknowledge their unfulfilled expectations. As they prepare to check on their friends, the scene ends with a flickering lamp and a moth clinging to the mirror, leaving a lingering sense of unease.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character dynamics
  • Atmospheric tension
  • Symbolic imagery
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited action sequences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is intricately crafted with a strong focus on character development, emotional depth, and building tension. It effectively conveys a mix of fear, nostalgia, and resilience, keeping the audience engaged and emotionally invested.


Story Content

Concept: 9.1

The concept of revisiting past memories, dealing with hidden scars, and finding solace in shared experiences is effectively portrayed. The scene delves deep into the characters' psyches, offering a rich exploration of their inner worlds.

Plot: 9

The plot progression in the scene is subtle yet impactful, focusing more on character dynamics and emotional arcs rather than external events. It lays the groundwork for future developments while providing insight into the characters' motivations and struggles.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces a fresh approach to exploring themes of trauma, friendship, and self-perception. The depiction of Riley's internal struggles and the dynamic between the characters feels authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9.4

The characters are well-developed, each with distinct personalities and emotional depth. Their interactions feel authentic, revealing layers of vulnerability, strength, and camaraderie that add depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo subtle yet significant changes in their emotional states and perceptions. The scene hints at personal growth, healing, and a deeper understanding of each other, setting the stage for further character development.

Internal Goal: 9

Riley's internal goal in this scene is to conceal her emotional vulnerability and past trauma while seeking solace and understanding from her friend Lilly. She struggles with feelings of brokenness and the fear of being judged or misunderstood.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to maintain a facade of strength and composure despite her inner turmoil. She aims to keep her emotional struggles hidden from others, especially those who may not empathize with her experiences.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7.5

While the scene lacks overt external conflict, the internal conflicts and emotional struggles of the characters drive the narrative forward. The tension arises from the characters' past traumas and their efforts to navigate their present realities.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is subtle but impactful, as Riley's internal struggles and the external challenges of maintaining a facade create a sense of conflict and uncertainty. The audience is left wondering about Riley's emotional journey.

High Stakes: 8

While the stakes are not overtly high in this scene, the emotional stakes are significant as the characters confront their past traumas and vulnerabilities. The sense of unease and hidden dangers adds a layer of tension to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by delving into the characters' pasts, relationships, and emotional struggles. It sets the stage for future conflicts and resolutions while deepening the audience's investment in the characters' journeys.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected reveal of moths in the closet and the eerie reflection in the mirror. These elements add a layer of suspense and intrigue to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of authenticity versus facade, vulnerability versus strength, and the desire for connection versus the fear of rejection. Riley grapples with the tension between presenting a composed exterior and revealing her true emotions to Lilly.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.3

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of fear, nostalgia, and resilience in the audience. The intimate moments between characters, coupled with the exploration of past traumas, create a deeply moving and engaging experience.

Dialogue: 9.1

The dialogue is poignant and reflective, capturing the characters' inner thoughts and feelings with authenticity. It drives the emotional core of the scene, fostering a sense of connection and understanding between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of mystery, emotion, and interpersonal dynamics. The gradual reveal of Riley's vulnerability and the evolving relationship with Lilly captivate the audience.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, allowing moments of introspection to blend seamlessly with dialogue and action. The rhythm enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected norms for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues. The visual and auditory elements are well-crafted to enhance the atmosphere.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-paced structure that balances introspective moments with external events. The progression from Riley's personal reflection to the interaction with Lilly builds tension and emotional depth effectively.


Critique
  • This scene effectively serves as a character-driven interlude that deepens Riley's emotional arc, showcasing her ongoing struggle with trauma through subtle physical actions like touching her scar and performing breathing exercises. It builds a strong contrast between vulnerability and momentary warmth, which helps the audience understand Riley's internal conflict and her relationships within the group, making her more relatable and humanizing the horror elements by grounding them in personal history. However, the transition from the intense, supernatural fright (the moths and lingering reflection) to the comforting entrance of Lilly feels somewhat abrupt, potentially undermining the built tension and making the shift less believable, as it doesn't allow the fear to linger or evolve naturally into the conversation.
  • The dialogue between Riley and Lilly is heartfelt and reveals important backstory about their shared experiences, effectively advancing themes of healing and facade, which ties into the overall script's exploration of trauma and supernatural intrusion. This conversation provides a necessary pause in the escalating horror, allowing for character development and emotional depth, but it risks feeling slightly expository, as the discussion about feeling 'broken' and 'hiding cracks' could be more subtly integrated to avoid telling rather than showing, especially since the audience already has context from previous scenes like the attack in Scene 1. Additionally, the reminiscing about college antics adds levity, but it might not fully capitalize on the opportunity to heighten suspense by connecting more directly to the current supernatural threats.
  • Visually, the scene uses evocative imagery—such as the corkboard of memories, the burst of moths, and the flickering lamp at the end—to create a palpable atmosphere of unease and nostalgia, reinforcing the horror genre's blend of psychological terror and subtle supernatural hints. This aligns well with the script's tone, as seen in earlier scenes with similar elements like the Polaroids in Scene 1 and the shadow in Scene 2, but the supernatural cues (e.g., the lingering reflection and the moth) could be more integrated or foreshadowed to build a cohesive thread, rather than feeling like isolated jump scares. The ending with the moth clinging to the mirror is a nice touch for foreshadowing, but it might lack impact if not tied more explicitly to Riley's trauma or the house's history, potentially making it seem like a random occurrence rather than a meaningful escalation.
  • In terms of pacing and structure, as Scene 5 out of 39, this moment provides a brief respite that contrasts with the high-tension opening scenes, which is a smart narrative choice to build character investment before ramping up horror. However, the scene's length and focus on introspection might slow the overall momentum if not balanced carefully, especially since the previous scenes establish a pattern of suspense that this scene partially defuses. The introduction of Lilly's comfort and the decision to join the others downstairs effectively transitions to the next part of the story, but it could better maintain the script's foreboding tone by incorporating more subtle threats or reminders of danger, ensuring that the audience doesn't feel too at ease during this 'calm before the storm' segment.
  • Overall, the scene successfully humanizes the protagonist and explores themes of resilience and friendship amidst horror, which is crucial for audience engagement in a screenplay dealing with trauma and the supernatural. It leverages visual and auditory elements to create a multi-layered experience, but it could benefit from tighter integration of its emotional and horror aspects to avoid disjointedness, ensuring that every element serves both character development and plot progression, as seen in the broader script where supernatural events are often tied to personal fears.
Suggestions
  • To smooth the transition between the supernatural fright and the comforting dialogue, consider adding a brief moment where Riley hesitates or glances back at the closet/mirror after Lilly enters, allowing the fear to linger and create a more organic shift, which would maintain tension while emphasizing Riley's ongoing anxiety.
  • Enhance the dialogue by incorporating more subtext or physical actions that show rather than tell emotions; for example, have Riley fidget with her scar or the mug during the conversation to visually reinforce her vulnerability, making the exchange feel more natural and less expository while deepening character insight.
  • Strengthen the supernatural elements by linking them more directly to Riley's trauma—for instance, make the lingering reflection briefly resemble something from her past attack in Scene 1, or have the rustling sound echo a specific detail from earlier, to create a stronger thematic connection and build foreshadowing for future events.
  • Adjust pacing by shortening the reminiscing section or intercutting it with subtle environmental cues (e.g., a distant creak or flickering light) to keep the suspense alive, ensuring the scene doesn't overly dilute the horror momentum and better aligns with the script's escalating tension.
  • For the ending, amplify the ominous note by having the moth's flutter coincide with a faint, familiar sound (like ragged breathing from Scene 1) or by showing Riley's reaction shot that hints at recognition, making the supernatural hint more impactful and tying it to the overall narrative arc.



Scene 6 -  Secrets and Shadows
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
The fire has dwindled to soft embers.
Sitting cross-legged on the floor, Brooke sips from a chipped
mug.
Lounging across the couch, Chelsea scrolls her phone with
practiced boredom.
Riley and Brooke shuffle into the room.
BROOKE
Look who’s back. The elusive ice
queens.
LILLY
(deadpan)
I was promised snacks. And only
mild judgment.
BROOKE
Snacks. Judgment. And now... fun.
She lifts an eyebrow -- pats the floor between them.
BROOKE (CONT'D)
Truth or Dare, bitches.
RILEY
Hard pass.
CHELSEA
Come on. You can survive one round.
BROOKE
You afraid we’ll uncover your deep,
dark secrets?
RILEY
Not in the mood for performative
trauma.
BROOKE
You start, Riley. Truth or dare.

RILEY
I said I wasn’t playing.
CHELSEA
Dare it is.
BROOKE
Them’s the rules. Social contract.
Girl code.
Riley exhales. Defeated.
RILEY
Fine. Dare.
BROOKE
Ohhh, spicy.
Chelsea leans forward, eyes bright.
CHELSEA
We dare you to tell us... your
biggest secret.
RILEY
That’s not a dare. That’s truth
with extra steps.
BROOKE
Fine. Then you pick the dare.
Awkward silence.
RILEY
Let’s play something else. There’s
board games in the basement.
LILLY
The basement? Are you trying to get
murdered?
CHELSEA
Nope. Mold, rats, ghosts. Hard
pass.
Riley shrugs.
RILEY
I'll go alone, then.
She moves toward the hall.
BROOKE
Hold up.

She stands, mock-heroic.
BROOKE (CONT'D)
What kind of friend lets her
emotionally damaged sister face the
basement alone?
CHELSEA
A practical one.
Riley opens the basement door --
Cold air spills out like a whisper.
Riley descends first, followed by Brooke.
Darkness swallows them.
The basement bulb flickers -- like something watching.
TICK... TICK... TICK...
The grandfather clock on the wall resumes its steady rhythm.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary In a dimly lit living room, Brooke playfully suggests a game of Truth or Dare, but Riley resists, uncomfortable with the emotional exposure. As the group pressures her, Riley proposes playing board games in the basement instead. Despite fears of mold and ghosts, Brooke decides to join her, framing it as a supportive act. They open the basement door, revealing a cold, dark space, and descend into the ominous atmosphere, while the grandfather clock ticks steadily, heightening the suspense.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Intriguing character dynamics
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development within the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery through dialogue and setting, maintaining a consistent tone and engaging the audience with intriguing character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of revealing secrets through a game of truth or dare in a chilling environment is intriguing and adds layers to the characters. The scene effectively explores the dynamics between the characters and sets up further developments.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances through the revelation of character secrets and the escalating tension within the group. The scene sets up potential conflicts and character arcs, driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the familiar Truth or Dare game by highlighting the characters' reluctance to engage in emotional exposure. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters display distinct personalities and dynamics, with each contributing to the tension and mystery of the scene. Their interactions reveal underlying conflicts and motivations, adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes within this scene, the revelations and interactions hint at potential developments for the characters in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain a sense of control and privacy over their personal life and emotions. This reflects their deeper need for autonomy and protection of their vulnerabilities.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to avoid revealing their secrets or engaging in emotionally revealing activities like Truth or Dare. This reflects the immediate challenge of maintaining a facade of strength and detachment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict arises from the characters' interactions and the revelation of secrets, creating a tense and confrontational atmosphere. The stakes are raised through the game of truth or dare, increasing the emotional intensity.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with the characters facing internal conflicts and social pressures rather than external obstacles. The uncertainty of how the game will progress adds a layer of opposition.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are raised through the revelation of secrets and the tense atmosphere created by the game of truth or dare. The characters' vulnerabilities are exposed, adding intensity to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing character secrets, establishing conflicts, and deepening the mystery surrounding the characters. It sets up future plot developments and maintains the audience's interest.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable because the characters' responses to the game and the unfolding events subvert expectations, adding an element of surprise and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 8.5

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the value of vulnerability and authenticity versus self-preservation and control. The characters grapple with the tension between opening up and maintaining a guarded exterior.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from anxiety and unease to defiance and sarcasm, engaging the audience on an emotional level. The character dynamics and revelations add depth to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys tension, sarcasm, and defiance, enhancing the character interactions and building suspense. The exchanges feel natural and contribute to the overall tone of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its mix of humor, tension, and character dynamics. The unfolding of the Truth or Dare game and the characters' reactions keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the characters' interactions and the unfolding of the Truth or Dare game. It maintains a rhythmic flow that enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, effectively conveying the character movements and dialogue. It aligns with the expected format for a screenplay in this genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure with clear character interactions and progression. It adheres to the expected format for a dialogue-driven, character-focused genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses character dynamics to reveal interpersonal tensions, particularly through Riley's reluctance to engage in Truth or Dare, which ties into her established trauma from earlier scenes. This helps build a sense of her character's depth and foreshadows the horror elements, making the transition to the basement feel like a natural escalation of conflict. However, the banter comes across as somewhat stereotypical, with lines like 'Truth or Dare, bitches' and 'performative trauma' feeling forced and not fully integrated with the horror tone, potentially diluting the suspense built in previous scenes.
  • Pacing in this scene is uneven; it starts with light-hearted sarcasm and quickly shifts to ominous foreboding with the basement descent. While this abrupt change mirrors Riley's discomfort and advances the plot toward key revelations in later scenes, it might not allow enough time for tension to build organically, risking a loss of emotional investment from the audience. The cold air spilling out and the flickering bulb are strong visual cues, but they feel somewhat rushed without sufficient buildup.
  • Dialogue serves to highlight character relationships, such as Brooke's sarcastic mediation and Chelsea's pushiness, but it lacks subtlety in conveying deeper emotions. For instance, Riley's line about 'performative trauma' directly references her backstory, which could be shown more implicitly through actions or subtext to maintain mystery and engage viewers more actively. This directness might make the scene feel expository rather than cinematic.
  • The setting and atmospheric elements are well-utilized to create a foreboding mood, with the dwindling fire, chipped mug, and resuming clock tick enhancing the sense of unease. This connects nicely to the supernatural hints from Scene 5 (e.g., the moth and flickering lamp), providing continuity. However, the character entrance description has a potential inconsistency—Brooke is already present and then mentioned as entering with Riley, which could confuse readers or viewers and disrupt the flow.
  • Overall, the scene acts as a pivotal moment that shifts the group dynamic and propels the story forward, but it could better balance humor and horror. The humorous elements risk undermining the dread established in prior scenes, and while the ending with the ticking clock and flickering light is effective, it might benefit from more varied sensory details to heighten immersion and make the horror feel more personal and less generic.
  • In terms of character development, Lilly's deadpan response adds a touch of levity and individuality, but her role here is minimal, making her feel underutilized compared to Riley. This scene could explore group dynamics more deeply to show how each character's fears and personalities contribute to the escalating tension, strengthening the thematic elements of isolation and vulnerability present throughout the script.
Suggestions
  • Revise the character entrance to clarify who is entering; change 'Riley and Brooke shuffle into the room' to 'Riley and Lilly shuffle into the room' to fix the apparent typo and improve readability, ensuring consistency with the narrative.
  • Enhance the dialogue by making it less on-the-nose; for example, have Riley's refusal to play Truth or Dare include a subtle physical reaction or reference to her scar, drawing from Scene 5, to show rather than tell her trauma, adding layers to her character.
  • Slow the pacing slightly by adding transitional beats, such as a moment where Riley hears a faint sound from the basement or notices something off in the living room, to build suspense more gradually and connect it seamlessly to the ominous elements in Scene 5.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to immerse the audience; describe the cold air more vividly, perhaps with a specific sound or feel, and expand on the flickering bulb to include visual distortions or shadows that hint at lurking dangers, making the horror more tangible.
  • Develop character interactions further by giving Lilly or Chelsea a line that ties into their backstories or the group's shared history, such as referencing the blizzard's isolation from Scene 4, to deepen emotional stakes and make the shift to the basement feel more motivated.
  • Experiment with balancing humor and horror by toning down sarcastic banter and emphasizing Riley's internal conflict through close-ups or voice-over thoughts, ensuring the scene maintains the suspenseful tone without comedic relief overshadowing the dread.



Scene 7 -  Unearthed Secrets
INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT
Brooke and Riley step down into the basement, the air thick
with dust swirling in their flashlight beams, revealing --
Moth-eaten banners, broken trophies, and a film projector
covered in cobwebs.
BROOKE
Whoa. That’s for Super eight films.
My grandpa used to have one of
these.
Riley brushes off a metal casing.
“Rush Week, 1975” -- handwritten in faded marker.
RILEY
Nineteen seventy-five. Half-a-
century old.
Brooke takes the film canister from Riley, opens it, and
loads the film into the projector.
Riley finds a frayed power cord. Plugs it in.
The film projector coughs to life, its fan whirring like an
asthmatic ghost.

Light flickers across the stone wall -- grainy and
stuttering.
ON SCREEN
Grainy home-movie images --
Sorority girls in bell-bottoms. Laughter. Champagne. A flash
of someone’s hand covering the lens.
A frame jumps --
A candlelit table. Four women sit in a circle, hands clasped
around an old rotary phone. The light flickers. Their mouths
move silently.
BACK TO BASEMENT
The footage warps -- trembles in the reel.
The image flares white --
One woman’s face is clear now --
SUE. Twenty-something, serene, eyes closed in concentration.
A voice whispers faintly, impossible but real --
SUE (V.O.)
Hold the line. Don't break the
circle.
The projector SNAPS --
The bulb bursts.
Darkness swallows them.
BROOKE
Welp. Monopoly and an exit plan --
let’s go.
RING.
Riley’s flashlight beam sweeps across the floor, landing on a
trunk in the far corner --
Black leather. Warped by time.
A thin mist leaks from the crack, curling across the
concrete.
Riley kneels and forces the lid open --

A clutter of vintage board games with titles like “Mall
Mayhem,” “Glamour or Doom,” and “Guess Your Future.”
Brooke edges closer, peering in.
Riley digs deeper into the trunk.
Something beneath the pile seems to pull at her hand.
Her fingers brush cool lacquer -- a black box, heavy and
sleek.
She hesitates -- pulse ticking in her throat.
Then she lifts it out slowly.
The gold lettering gleams, impossibly fresh --
“DREAM BOY.”
A HUM builds beneath the silence, growing into a low thrum.
Brooke’s eyes widen, the color draining from her face.
Riley’s grip tightens on the box -- knuckles whitening.
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Psychological"]

Summary In a dusty basement at night, Brooke and Riley discover a Super 8 projector and old items, including a film from 1975 showing sorority rituals. As the projector malfunctions, they find a mysterious trunk and a heavy box labeled 'DREAM BOY' that seems to draw Riley in. The scene ends with a tense atmosphere as a low hum builds, leaving them in suspense.
Strengths
  • Atmospheric descriptions
  • Supernatural elements
  • Mystery buildup
  • Character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Possible need for clearer character motivations
  • Balancing exposition with action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through its atmospheric descriptions, eerie visuals, and supernatural elements. The introduction of the film projector and vintage board games adds depth to the mystery, keeping the audience engaged and curious.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of intertwining past events with present discoveries in a suspenseful setting is intriguing and well-executed. The scene effectively introduces elements that deepen the mystery and set the stage for further exploration of the characters' histories.

Plot: 8.7

The plot of the scene is engaging, with the discovery of the film projector and vintage board games adding layers to the overarching mystery. The progression from one revelation to the next keeps the audience invested in uncovering the secrets of the past.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a blend of nostalgia, mystery, and supernatural elements through the discovery of the old film projector and the enigmatic trunk. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.4

The characters' reactions and interactions contribute to the tension and intrigue of the scene. Riley's curiosity and determination, Brooke's enthusiasm, and the group dynamics enhance the unfolding mystery and set the stage for character development.

Character Changes: 8

The scene sets the stage for potential character growth and development, particularly as the characters confront the past and uncover hidden truths. Riley's curiosity and determination may lead to significant changes as the narrative progresses.

Internal Goal: 8

Brooke's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the secrets hidden in the basement and possibly connect with her family history through the Super eight film projector. This reflects her desire for a deeper understanding of her roots and a sense of connection to her past.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to explore the basement and investigate the mysterious trunk they discover. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of unraveling the secrets hidden in the basement and facing the unknown.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, driven by the characters' fears, curiosity, and the mysteries they encounter. The tension between past and present, reality and the supernatural, adds layers of conflict that propel the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing the unknown dangers and mysteries of the basement, particularly highlighted by the ominous trunk and the supernatural events with the film projector.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters confront supernatural occurrences, unearth mysterious artifacts, and delve into the secrets of the past. The potential dangers and revelations add tension and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing key elements that deepen the mystery and set up future developments. The discoveries made in the basement propel the narrative towards uncovering the secrets of the past.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected elements such as the mysterious trunk and the supernatural occurrences with the film projector, keeping the audience on edge and curious about what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of curiosity versus caution, as the characters are drawn to explore the mysterious trunk despite the ominous atmosphere and potential dangers lurking in the basement. This challenges their beliefs about curiosity and risk-taking.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.6

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including fear, curiosity, and unease, as the characters delve into the mysteries of the past. The eerie atmosphere and supernatural elements heighten the emotional impact, keeping the audience engaged.

Dialogue: 8.2

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' personalities and motivations, adding depth to their interactions. The exchanges between the characters reveal underlying tensions and dynamics that drive the scene forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines elements of mystery, nostalgia, and supernatural intrigue, drawing the audience into the characters' exploration of the basement and the unfolding secrets.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense as the characters explore the basement, discover the film projector, and encounter the enigmatic trunk, leading to a climactic moment that leaves the audience eager for more.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a suspenseful scene in a screenplay, effectively guiding the reader through the characters' actions and the unfolding mystery.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured progression of exploration, discovery, and escalating tension, building towards the climactic moment with the mysterious trunk. The formatting aligns with the genre expectations for a suspenseful mystery.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds a sense of discovery and foreboding by using the basement's dusty, forgotten items to mirror the house's haunted history. The transition from casual exploration to supernatural tension is well-handled, with details like the cobwebs and flickering projector light creating a vivid, immersive atmosphere that draws the reader into the story's eerie world. However, the sudden shift to darkness after the projector breaks could be more gradual to heighten suspense, allowing the audience to feel the weight of the impending danger rather than experiencing it as an abrupt cut. Additionally, while Riley's character is compellingly portrayed through her actions and reactions, Brooke's sudden fear at the end feels underdeveloped; her personality is established in prior scenes as more sarcastic and bold, so this moment could benefit from more buildup to make her emotional shift believable and integrated with her arc.
  • The dialogue in this scene is functional but occasionally expository, such as Brooke's line about her grandfather's projector, which serves to inform the audience but might come across as unnatural. This could be refined to feel more organic, perhaps by tying it to Brooke's personal history or emotions, enhancing character depth. The visual elements, like the grainy film footage and the ritual depiction, are strong in foreshadowing future events, effectively planting seeds for the supernatural elements that dominate later scenes. However, the scene's reliance on familiar horror tropes (e.g., old artifacts and sudden sounds) might make it feel somewhat predictable if not balanced with unique twists, and the connection to the 1975 ritual could be strengthened by subtler hints that echo Riley's personal trauma from earlier scenes, creating a more cohesive narrative thread.
  • Pacing is generally good, starting with a slow build of curiosity and escalating to tension with the hum and the pull of the 'DREAM BOY' box, which effectively ratchets up the stakes. This mirrors the overall script's structure, where Scene 7 serves as a pivotal moment introducing the central game artifact. That said, the scene could explore Riley's internal conflict more deeply—her hesitation and the pulse in her throat are good touches, but delving into her thoughts or memories could make her obsession with the box more relatable and tied to her backstory, helping readers understand her motivations beyond surface-level curiosity. The ending, with the hum and whitening knuckles, leaves a strong cliffhanger, but it might be more impactful if the auditory elements (like the ring) were varied or connected more explicitly to previous sounds in the script to avoid repetition and reinforce the building dread.
  • Overall, the scene excels in atmospheric horror, using sensory details to evoke discomfort and anticipation, which is crucial for a screenplay in this genre. However, it could improve in character consistency and emotional depth; for instance, Brooke's reaction to the box seems abrupt compared to her earlier banter, potentially undermining the group's dynamics established in Scene 6. Additionally, while the visual of the film projection is cinematic, the voice-over from Sue feels slightly disjointed—ensuring that such elements are grounded in the scene's logic could prevent them from feeling like convenient plot devices. This scene is a solid bridge to the supernatural escalation, but refining these aspects would make it more engaging and less reliant on shock for effect.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the transition to darkness by adding intermediate steps, such as the projector's light dimming gradually or flickering erratically, to build suspense and give the audience time to absorb the ritual footage before the cut to black.
  • Develop Brooke's character further by incorporating a subtle hint of her vulnerability earlier in the scene, such as a nervous comment about old houses or a personal anecdote, to make her fear at the end more believable and emotionally resonant.
  • Refine the dialogue to be less expository; for example, integrate Brooke's recognition of the projector into a more casual conversation or memory, making it feel natural rather than informational.
  • Add more sensory details to the 'DREAM BOY' box discovery, such as describing its weight, temperature, or a faint odor, to heighten the tactile unease and make the object's pull on Riley more visceral and immersive.
  • Strengthen the connection to prior scenes by echoing the muffled ring from Scene 3 or the ticking clock from Scene 6, perhaps by having Riley react with recognition, to create a sense of continuity and escalating dread throughout the script.



Scene 8 -  The Dream Boy Game
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
The storm rages outside, snow hurling against the windows
like claws.
On the coffee table in the center --
The black lacquered box.
Its gold letters glint faintly --
“DREAM BOY.”
Riley sets it down.
The air seems to shift around it -- dense, charged.
RILEY
It felt like it wanted us to find
it.
Chelsea flips the lid --
INSIDE THE BOX
- A pastel-pink folding board, decorated with lipstick kisses
and cartoon hearts.

- A deck of glossy photo cards -- handsome young men in ‘80s
glam lighting.
- A bubblegum-pink cordless phone, its plastic cracked with
age.
- A single, yellowed rule card, tucked beneath the board.
BROOKE
Okay, who’s ready to summon their
future boyfriend?
Chelsea’s already shuffling through the photo cards.
CHELSEA
Me. Duh.
She fans through them --
The light flickers across their glossy smiles.
But the faces are wrong --
Flat eyes. Sharp teeth. Charm like paint.
CHELSEA (CONT'D)
They don’t look normal.
BROOKE
So... Tinder.
Riley pulls out the rule card.
The ink shivers faintly -- as though the letters are
breathing.
RILEY
(reading)
“Once you choose your Dream Boy,
follow these rules --
Answer when he calls.
Don’t let it ring more than thrice.
Never hang up before he does.
Or you will pay the price.
You must finish once the game
starts.
Victory belongs to the one who
follows the rules and speaks the
truth. The key to your dream boy’s
heart.”
The house creaks, wood flexing in the walls.

CHELSEA
“Finish the game.” So mysterious.
BROOKE
Who writes this shit?
LILLY
So... Three rings. Never hang up.
And finish the game. Got it.
CHELSEA
Alright. I’m bored. First victim --
me.
She flips a card dramatically --
A boy’s smoldering grin stares up --
Dark hair, leather jacket, eyes too knowing -- GARY.
CHELSEA (CONT'D)
Okay, Gary. Try to keep up.
BROOKE
Gary looks like he owns a
switchblade and a mixtape of red
flags.
CHELSEA
My type.
Chelsea sets Gary’s card on the board.
Lilly flips her card next --
Her “Dream Boy” has blond curls, a smug grin -- ZANE.
LILLY
Of course he’s named Zane.
Brooke flips over her card.
BROOKE
I’m calling dibs on Dean.
Riley hesitates.
Finally, she turns her card --
A clean-cut, kind-faced boy smiles back -- EDDIE.
RILEY
He looks safe.

CHELSEA
And boring.
Riley tries to smile.
Suddenly, the card ripples.
Edges blur. Eddie’s face flickers into --
ETHAN. Lips thin. Eyes hollow --
Riley’s breath catches.
She blinks. She looks again --
Eddie’s gentle smile stares back at her.
LILLY
Riley? You okay?
Riley forces calm.
RILEY
Yeah. Fine.
BROOKE
So, what now? Just wait for these
dream boys to call?
CHELSEA
Maybe they’ll sext from the
afterlife.
BROOKE
Or show up with bad poetry and
trauma.
The girls laugh. The lights flicker.
The house groans from every wall and beam.
RING.
Harsh. Metallic. A shriek that cuts through the room.
The pink phone trembles.
Everyone freezes.
CHELSEA
No fucking way.
Chelsea looks around, dumbfounded.

RILEY
Answer it.
LILLY
It’s probably some built-in sound
effect or timer thing.
She picks up the phone and lifts it to her ear, tense.
CHELSEA
Hello?
Silence.
Then --
A voice -- smooth, intimate --
GARY (V.O.)
Hello, Chelsea.
Chelsea plays along.
CHELSEA
Wait. How do you know my name?
GARY (V.O.)
When was the last time someone
looked at you, Chelsea?
Really looked. Past the skin. Past
the smile.
Her smirk falters. The others exchange looks.
CHELSEA
Stop. This isn't funny.
GARY (V.O.)
You wanted to be seen -- now I
can’t stop watching.
Gary’s laugh filters through -- low, intimate -- then splits
into multiple voices, layered, whispering her name.
Chelsea doesn't move.
Silence engulfs the room.
A breath catches in her throat.
She blinks hard.
Then --

HANGS UP.
The silence is enormous.
LILLY
What did he say?
Chelsea, pale and shaking, doesn’t answer.
BROOKE
It was a recording, right? Like an
Easter-egg thing?
Before anyone can respond --
A bright flood of headlights sweeps across the windows --
White glare cuts through the dark like a blade.
The girls flinch, shielding their eyes.
RILEY
Who the hell would be driving in
this weather?
Chelsea exhales, relief flooding in fast -- armor snapping
back into place.
CHELSEA
See? Not haunted. Just fashionably
rescued.
BROOKE
Probably the campus police checking
on us.
LILLY
We need to be careful. Who knows
what's out there.
Chelsea rolls her eyes -- strides toward the door.
Then --
POP.
The lights die.
Instant darkness.
The hum of the heater cuts out.

RILEY
(whisper)
Did the power just --
Her cell buzzes to life in her hand -- the screen flashes “NO
SERVICE.”
Outside --
Headlights blink once. Twice.
Then they vanish -- swallowed by the storm.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Thriller"]

Summary In a living room besieged by a snowstorm, Riley and her friends discover a mysterious box labeled 'DREAM BOY' containing unsettling game elements. As they play, the atmosphere shifts from playful to eerie, especially when Chelsea receives a disturbing phone call from her 'dream boy' Gary, who knows personal details about her. Tension escalates as the power goes out and cell service fails, leaving the group in a state of heightened suspense and uncertainty.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Innovative supernatural elements
  • Eerie atmosphere
  • Mysterious premise
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue
  • Occasional pacing issues

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery through its supernatural elements, eerie atmosphere, and foreboding tone. The introduction of the Dream Boy game adds a unique twist to the horror genre, keeping the audience engaged and curious.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the Dream Boy game and the mysterious box adds depth and intrigue to the scene, elevating the horror and supernatural elements. The introduction of the game creates a unique and engaging premise.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is well-developed, introducing new elements like the Dream Boy game that advance the story and add layers of mystery. The scene effectively sets up future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on supernatural elements and game dynamics, blending them with relatable character dynamics and humor. The dialogue feels authentic and engaging, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.6

The characters interact realistically within the supernatural setting, each showing distinct reactions to the eerie events. Their dialogue and actions contribute to the scene's tension and suspense.

Character Changes: 8

The characters experience subtle changes in their perceptions and reactions to the supernatural events, setting up potential character arcs and developments. The eerie phone call prompts emotional shifts.

Internal Goal: 8

Riley's internal goal is to navigate the unfolding supernatural events and maintain a sense of control and safety amidst the escalating tension. This reflects her need for security and stability in the face of the unknown.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to engage with the supernatural elements presented by the Dream Boy game and navigate the rules and consequences that come with it.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.8

The level of conflict is high due to the supernatural elements, eerie atmosphere, and mysterious phone call. The tension between the characters and the unknown threat increases the stakes and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing supernatural challenges and uncertainties that add depth to the narrative and keep the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high due to the supernatural threats, eerie atmosphere, and mysterious rules of the Dream Boy game. The characters' lives and sanity are at risk, increasing the tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new elements like the Dream Boy game and the mysterious phone call. It sets up future conflicts and developments, advancing the plot.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in the supernatural elements and character interactions, keeping the audience on edge and curious about the unfolding events.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the idea of control and fate, as the characters are faced with rules that dictate their interactions with the Dream Boys, challenging their beliefs about agency and destiny.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.6

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and curiosity in the audience, creating an emotional connection to the characters and their eerie predicament. The chilling phone call adds to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8.7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and reactions to the supernatural occurrences. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the overall atmosphere.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of supernatural elements, suspenseful dialogue, and character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the unfolding events and mysteries.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment that leaves the audience eager to know what happens next.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a suspenseful scene, effectively guiding the reader through the unfolding events and character interactions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and mystery, leading to a climactic moment that leaves the audience intrigued.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds suspense and integrates supernatural elements, creating a palpable sense of dread that ties into the overall horror theme of the script. The introduction of the 'Dream Boy' game serves as a strong pivot point, connecting the mundane interactions from previous scenes to the escalating supernatural threats, particularly with Riley's card flickering to reveal Ethan, which cleverly foreshadows her personal trauma and adds depth to her character arc.
  • However, the dialogue feels somewhat expository and unnatural in places, such as when Riley reads the rules aloud verbatim. This can come across as forced, as it prioritizes delivering information over natural character interaction, which might disengage readers or viewers who expect more organic conversations. In a horror screenplay, dialogue should heighten tension through subtext and implication rather than direct exposition.
  • Pacing is generally strong, with the storm outside mirroring the internal chaos, but the rapid escalation from the phone call to the power outage and vanishing headlights feels abrupt. This quick resolution might undercut the buildup of fear, as it doesn't allow enough time for the characters' reactions to sink in or for the audience to absorb the implications, potentially making the scares feel formulaic rather than earned.
  • Character development is uneven; while Riley's hesitation and the flicker of Ethan's face provide a personal stake, the other characters—Chelsea, Brooke, and Lilly—react in ways that feel stereotypical (e.g., Chelsea's bravado and quick dismissal). This lacks nuance, missing an opportunity to explore their individual fears or backstories, which could make the group dynamics more compelling and the horror more relatable.
  • Visually, the scene is vivid and atmospheric, with details like the flickering lights, house creaks, and the glossy photo cards adding to the eerie tone. However, some elements, such as the card faces with 'flat eyes and sharp teeth,' risk becoming clichéd horror tropes without sufficient originality, which could dilute the script's unique voice. Additionally, the transition from the basement discovery in scene 7 is smooth, but ensuring that the hum and tension carry over more explicitly would strengthen continuity and maintain momentum.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more conversational and character-driven; for example, have Riley paraphrase the rules or react emotionally to them, allowing the information to emerge naturally through her unease, which would better integrate it with her backstory.
  • Extend the phone call sequence to build more tension; add pauses, subtle sound design changes, or Chelsea's physical reactions (like her hand trembling) to draw out the moment and make the invasion of privacy feel more invasive and terrifying.
  • Deepen character reactions and interactions; show Brooke or Lilly questioning the game more skeptically or sharing a glance that hints at their own vulnerabilities, to create a stronger ensemble feel and make the horror elements more emotionally resonant.
  • Vary the supernatural hints to avoid repetition; instead of relying on flickering lights and creaks, incorporate unique sensory details like a sudden chill or a distorted reflection in the window to keep the audience engaged and surprised.
  • Adjust pacing by adding a brief beat after the phone call where the characters process what happened, perhaps with a moment of silence or whispered speculation, to heighten the dread before cutting to the headlights, ensuring the scene's climax feels more impactful and less rushed.



Scene 9 -  The Watchful Snowman
INT. FOYER - NIGHT
The blizzard ROARS, shaking the house.
The girls huddle near the front door, flashlights in hand.
Breath fogs the air.
LILLY
(whispering)
I don’t... hear a car.
Chelsea presses her palm to the knob.
Riley stiffens -- instinct pulling her back.
RILEY
Chelsea, don’t --
Chelsea twists the doorknob, pulling the door open --
WIND AND SNOW EXPLODE INSIDE.
The girls shield their eyes, blinded by the violent spray.
When the gale subsides, standing in the doorway --
A SNOWMAN stands there. Coal eyes. Jagged smile.
A rotted carrot spirals from its face -- like a horn.
The girls stagger back, breathless.
The SNOWMAN leans forward. Hungry.
Riley SLAMS the door shut with all her weight.
Every lock on the door fires at once --
BANG. BANG. BANG.

The foyer shudders with each lock engaging.
RILEY (CONT'D)
It’s locking us in.
Silence presses down. Thick. Suffocating.
The girls stand frozen.
BROOKE
Anyone else... hungry?
A weak laugh flutters through the group, already dying in the
air.
CHELSEA
I need a bottle of wine. Now.
They drift toward the kitchen, their laughter thin.
Behind them --
Frost feathers across the glass.
Stillness.
Then --
TWO YELLOW EYES flare in the dark.
Blinking. Watching.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Supernatural"]

Summary In a chilling scene set during a blizzard, four girls—Lilly, Chelsea, Riley, and Brooke—huddle in the foyer, anxiously waiting for someone. Chelsea impulsively opens the door, unleashing a fierce wind and revealing a menacing snowman that terrifies them. Riley quickly slams the door shut, locking them in and heightening their sense of entrapment. As they attempt to lighten the mood with humor, frost begins to creep across the glass, and ominous yellow eyes watch them from the darkness, leaving a lingering sense of danger.
Strengths
  • Effective use of atmospheric descriptions
  • Building tension and suspense through supernatural elements
  • Creating a sense of unease and foreboding
Weaknesses
  • Potential for deeper character development
  • Dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is highly effective in building tension and creating a sense of unease through its atmospheric descriptions and supernatural elements. The introduction of the snowman and the subsequent locking of the girls inside the house adds a layer of suspense and fear, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene, focusing on supernatural elements and building tension through atmospheric descriptions, is well-executed and engaging. The introduction of the snowman and the mysterious yellow eyes adds depth to the storyline and keeps the audience on edge.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is crucial in setting up the supernatural elements and escalating the tension within the story. The introduction of the snowman and the locking of the girls inside the house serve to propel the narrative forward and create a sense of urgency.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the horror genre by blending elements of a blizzard setting with a supernatural threat like the snowman. The characters' reactions and dialogue feel authentic and add to the scene's authenticity.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

While the characters' reactions and interactions effectively contribute to the scene's tension and atmosphere, there is room for further development to deepen their individual personalities and motivations. The dynamics between the girls add to the suspense but could be enhanced with more nuanced character traits.

Character Changes: 8

While the characters experience fear and tension in the scene, there is potential for deeper character development and growth as they confront the supernatural elements and face their fears. The scene sets the stage for potential character transformations and revelations in future events.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to protect herself and her friends from the unknown danger represented by the snowman. This reflects her deeper need for safety and security, as well as her fear of the supernatural and the unknown.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to survive the blizzard and the potential threat posed by the snowman. This reflects the immediate challenge of staying safe in a dangerous situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is palpable, with the girls facing a mysterious and potentially dangerous situation as they encounter the eerie snowman and feel trapped inside the house. The escalating tension and sense of foreboding contribute to a high level of conflict that keeps the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene, represented by the snowman and the escalating danger, creates a sense of uncertainty and threat that adds to the suspense and keeps the audience invested.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters face a mysterious and potentially dangerous situation with the appearance of the eerie snowman and the feeling of being trapped inside the house. The escalating tension and sense of foreboding raise the stakes and create a sense of urgency and danger.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing supernatural elements, escalating the tension, and setting up further developments in the plot. The appearance of the snowman and the locking of the girls inside the house propel the narrative forward and create anticipation for what will happen next.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected appearance and behavior of the snowman, as well as the escalating tension that leaves the audience unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict lies in the clash between the characters' desire for safety and normalcy against the intrusion of the supernatural and unknown represented by the snowman. This challenges their beliefs in a rational, predictable world.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a strong emotional impact on the audience, evoking feelings of fear, anxiety, and suspense through its atmospheric descriptions and supernatural elements. The sense of unease and foreboding created by the snowman and the locked doors heightens the emotional intensity of the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene serves its purpose in conveying the characters' reactions and building tension, but there is potential for more impactful exchanges to further enhance the emotional and suspenseful aspects of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, the mystery surrounding the snowman, and the characters' reactions that keep the audience on edge.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and heightening the impact of the snowman's appearance.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a suspenseful scene in a screenplay, with clear descriptions and dialogue that enhance the visual and emotional impact.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure that builds tension effectively, leading to a climactic encounter with the snowman. The formatting enhances the suspenseful atmosphere of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds suspense and horror through visual and auditory elements, such as the blizzard's roar, the explosive wind and snow, and the sudden appearance of the menacing snowman. This ties into the overarching supernatural theme of the script, where environmental elements like snowmen become conduits for terror, creating a cohesive escalation from the previous scene's power outage and vanishing headlights. However, the snowman reveal risks feeling somewhat clichéd in horror storytelling, as anthropomorphic snow figures are a common trope; to make it more original and impactful, it could be better integrated with the 'Dream Boy' game's lore or the house's history, perhaps by hinting that the snowman resembles one of the dream boys or a figure from the 1975 ritual, strengthening the narrative connection and reducing reliance on generic scares.
  • Character motivations and interactions are portrayed with some depth, particularly Riley's instinctive warning and quick action to slam the door, which stems from her established trauma (as seen in earlier scenes). This adds authenticity to her character arc, showing her as proactive and survival-oriented. Conversely, Chelsea's impulsive decision to open the door despite the warning feels consistent with her sarcastic and bold personality from Scene 8, but it lacks sufficient buildup or internal conflict, making her action seem abrupt and potentially frustrating for the audience if not justified. Adding a brief moment of hesitation or a line of dialogue that reveals her reasoning—such as curiosity or denial of the danger—could make her choice more believable and heighten the tension.
  • The dialogue is sparse and functional, which suits the high-tension moment, but it occasionally veers into exposition that feels unnatural, like Brooke's weak joke and Chelsea's immediate call for wine. These lines attempt to release tension and show group dynamics, but they come across as forced comic relief that undercuts the horror's intensity, especially right after a jump-scare. In a script filled with psychological and supernatural dread, maintaining a consistent tone is crucial; the humor here feels out of place and could be refined to include more subtext, such as Brooke's joke hinting at denial or Chelsea's wine comment reflecting her coping mechanism, thereby deepening character insights without breaking immersion.
  • Visually, the scene is strong with elements like the auto-locking door and the frost feathering across the glass, which emphasize themes of entrapment and unseen threats. The ending with the yellow eyes flaring in the darkness is a chilling hook that sustains suspense into the next scene, effectively using minimalism to evoke fear. However, the transition from the intense confrontation to the characters casually drifting toward the kitchen feels rushed and disrupts the pacing, potentially diminishing the scene's emotional weight. A slower beat to show the characters processing the event—through shaky breaths, exchanged glances, or a moment of silence—could better convey the psychological impact and build toward the cumulative horror.
  • Overall, the scene serves as a pivotal moment in escalating the supernatural elements and group isolation, fitting well within the script's structure as Scene 9 out of 39. It advances the plot by reinforcing the house's malevolent nature and the characters' growing entrapment, but it could benefit from tighter integration with the broader narrative. For instance, referencing the 'Dream Boy' game more directly or linking the snowman to Riley's personal fears (e.g., her history with Ethan) would make the horror more personal and less generic, enhancing reader engagement and thematic depth.
Suggestions
  • To avoid clichés, add a subtle connection between the snowman and the 'Dream Boy' game, such as having it resemble Gary or another card figure, or incorporate a detail from the 1975 ritual to make the reveal feel unique to this story's mythology.
  • Enhance Chelsea's character motivation for opening the door by including a brief internal thought or dialogue that shows her skepticism or bravado, e.g., 'It's probably nothing—see?' This would make her action more nuanced and increase audience investment in the consequences.
  • Refine the dialogue to maintain horror tension; for example, replace Brooke's hunger joke with a more tense line that reveals vulnerability, like 'I just want this to be over,' to keep the focus on fear rather than levity, ensuring the tone remains consistent.
  • Extend the post-slam reaction with visual details, such as close-ups on the characters' faces or hands trembling, to slow the pacing slightly and allow the audience to absorb the terror, making the scene more emotionally resonant.
  • Strengthen thematic ties by having Riley whisper a reference to her past trauma during her warning, linking the current event to her scar or the moths from Scene 5, which would deepen character development and make the horror more personalized.



Scene 10 -  Snowpocalypse Tales
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
An LED lantern hums on the counter, its glow cold and blue.
The girls huddle around the island --
Bundled in blankets, drinking wine from chipped mugs, and
eating ice cream straight from the carton.
Chelsea raises her spoon.
CHELSEA
To the snowpocalypse. May we freeze
in style.
RILEY
That’s the spirit.
Lilly leans in.

LILLY
You know... this house has some
dark history.
Chelsea rolls her eyes.
CHELSEA
Oh no. Here we go.
LILLY
I’m serious. Nineteen seventy-five.
Blizzard like this. Three sisters
just --
(snaps)
-- vanished.
The wind rises outside -- long, hollow, almost answering her.
RILEY
They never found them?
LILLY
Nope. Not a trace. Just... gone.
CHELSEA
Please. Every sorority has its
ghost story. Probably just flunked
out and ran off with some guys.
RILEY
We found an old nineteen-seventy-
five rush film in the basement. It
was creepy as hell. Sue was in it.
I didn’t realize she was so
beautiful once.
BROOKE
It was so weird. Who even keeps old
rush footage like that?
CHELSEA
Sue, obviously. She probably
screens it for herself on the
weekends.
They all chuckle -- but the sound doesn’t quite land.
Their voices dissolve into the hum of the house.
A floral scent seeps in --
Faint, powdery... rotted.
Chelsea sniffs.

CHELSEA (CONT'D)
Ugh. Do you smell that?
BROOKE
Like... funeral home chic?
They go still. Silent.
LILLY
My mom was a sister here. That’s
how I heard the story.
The others look at her.
CHELSEA
When?
LILLY
Nineteen-eighty. Five years after
the blizzard. She said people
didn’t talk about it. Not really.
But everyone knew something
happened.
Heavy silence fills the room. The lantern flickers.
RILEY
You’re messing with us.
LILLY
I’m not. She told me their bodies
were never found.
(beat)
One of them was named... Jane
Dawkins.
The sound of the name seems to hang in the air.
Somewhere deep in the house, a floorboard GROANS.
CHELSEA
Jane Dawkins. Sure. And I’m the
Virgin Mary of Kappa Tau.
RILEY
If that's true, Sue’s face -- and
theirs -- would have composites on
the Chapter room wall.
BROOKE
Then let's go look.
The lantern flickers again -- longer this time, then
steadies.

CHELSEA
You can go play Nancy Drew. I need
to pee before my bladder joins the
missing.
Chelsea straightens her blanket like a cape -- strides out.
Her footsteps echo down the hallway, fading into the silence.
Frost creeps up the kitchen windows. Slow. Deliberate.
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In a sorority kitchen during a blizzard, Chelsea, Riley, Lilly, and Brooke gather under blankets, sharing wine and ice cream. Chelsea toasts to the 'snowpocalypse,' but Lilly darkens the mood with a story about three sisters who vanished in a similar storm in 1975. As the group debates the tale's truth, eerie occurrences like a strange smell and flickering lantern heighten the tension. Chelsea's skepticism clashes with Lilly's insistence on the story's authenticity, leading to an unsettling atmosphere as frost creeps up the windows.
Strengths
  • Effective atmosphere building
  • Intriguing supernatural elements
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • Mysterious backstory reveal
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue exchanges may feel slightly forced or cliched

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery through its eerie atmosphere, dark history, and character dynamics. The incorporation of supernatural elements and the reveal of the past add depth to the narrative, keeping the audience engaged and curious.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of blending supernatural mystery with a dark history is intriguing and well-executed. The introduction of the 1975 backstory adds depth to the narrative, while the interactions among the characters hint at underlying tensions and secrets.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is engaging, with the scene delving into the mysterious past of the house and the disappearances from 1975. The unfolding events, interactions, and discoveries contribute to the overall suspense and intrigue.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar setting of friends sharing stories during a storm but adds a fresh twist with the ghostly history and eerie atmosphere. The dialogue feels authentic and engaging, contributing to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are distinct and their interactions reveal underlying tensions and skepticism, adding layers to the scene. Each character's personality shines through in their dialogue and actions, contributing to the overall atmosphere.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions and revelations hint at potential shifts in dynamics and perspectives as the story progresses. The characters' reactions to the dark history suggest internal transformations.

Internal Goal: 8

Chelsea's internal goal is to maintain a sense of skepticism and control over the situation, dismissing the ghost story and maintaining a lighthearted demeanor. This reflects her need for rationality and her fear of the unknown or supernatural.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to maintain a sense of normalcy and humor despite the unsettling atmosphere and stories being shared. This reflects her desire to keep the group's spirits up and avoid succumbing to fear.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal and atmospheric, with tensions rising as the characters uncover the dark history of the house and face the mysteries surrounding the disappearances from 1975. The sense of foreboding and unease heightens the conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create uncertainty and intrigue, with the ghost story conflicting with the protagonist's skepticism and rationality.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the characters uncover the dark history of the house and face the mysteries surrounding the disappearances from 1975. The sense of danger, unease, and foreboding raises the stakes and intensifies the suspense.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the house's past and the disappearances from 1975. The discoveries and interactions set the stage for further exploration of the mysteries and conflicts within the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a ghost story element that adds a layer of mystery and tension to the otherwise casual gathering of friends.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around belief in the supernatural versus skepticism and rationality. Lilly's ghost story challenges the protagonist's beliefs and values, forcing her to confront the possibility of the unknown.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, tension, and curiosity, engaging the audience emotionally through its eerie atmosphere, dark history, and character dynamics. The revelations about the past and the characters' reactions add emotional depth to the narrative.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' personalities and hints at deeper conflicts and histories. The exchanges build tension and skepticism among the characters, adding depth to their interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it combines elements of mystery, humor, and suspense, keeping the audience intrigued by the unfolding ghost story and the dynamics between the characters.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of eerie details and character interactions. It keeps the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It is easy to follow and visually engaging.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-paced structure, balancing dialogue, action, and description effectively. It builds tension and intrigue while maintaining the flow of the conversation.


Critique
  • This scene effectively serves as a transitional moment in the screenplay, shifting from the immediate horror of the previous scene (with the snowman and yellow eyes) to building deeper lore and tension. It summarizes the group's current state of unease, huddled in the kitchen during a blizzard, and uses dialogue to reveal backstory about the house's dark history from 1975, which ties into the overarching supernatural plot. The discussion about the missing sisters and Sue's involvement adds layers to the mystery, making the audience more invested in the historical elements that drive the horror. However, the scene could benefit from tighter pacing to avoid feeling like exposition-heavy filler; the reveal of the 1975 story feels somewhat forced through Lilly's recounting, which might come across as convenient for plot advancement rather than organic character revelation.
  • The dialogue is a strong point, capturing the personalities of the characters—Chelsea's sarcasm, Lilly's seriousness, Riley's curiosity, and Brooke's humor—while subtly escalating tension. For instance, the toast to the 'snowpocalypse' starts light-hearted, contrasting with the darker turn into the missing sisters' story, which helps build a sense of dread. That said, some lines, like Chelsea's 'I'm the Virgin Mary of Kappa Tau,' feel a bit clichéd and could be more nuanced to reflect her character's depth, especially given her earlier vulnerability in the script. Additionally, the floral scent introduction is a nice sensory detail that hints at supernatural presence, but it lacks strong integration with the characters' reactions, making it seem like a missed opportunity to heighten immediate fear or curiosity.
  • Atmospherically, the scene excels in creating unease through visual and auditory cues, such as the flickering lantern, groaning floorboard, and creeping frost, which connect seamlessly to the previous scene's ending with the yellow eyes. This continuity strengthens the film's tension, making the house feel like a living entity. However, the emotional beats could be more pronounced; for example, Riley's mention of the 1975 film and Sue feels like a callback, but it doesn't deeply explore her personal connection or trauma, which might dilute the impact given her history with stalking and assault. The scene ends on a suspenseful note with Chelsea's departure, foreshadowing her horrific fate, but the group's passivity in letting her go alone could be critiqued for lacking realism or urgency, potentially undermining the sisterly bond established earlier.
  • Character interactions are generally believable, with the blend of humor and horror mirroring real group dynamics under stress. Lilly's role as the lore-keeper adds depth to her character, but her insistence on the story's truth might benefit from more buildup or personal stakes to make it less expository. The scene's length and focus on conversation risk slowing the pace in a horror screenplay, where action and suspense often drive engagement; balancing this with more active elements could prevent it from feeling static. Overall, while it successfully advances the plot by planting seeds for future horrors, it could strengthen its role in character development and thematic consistency, such as the theme of hidden dangers and the inescapability of past traumas.
  • In the context of the entire script, this scene acts as a pivotal setup for the escalating supernatural events, particularly Chelsea's bathroom encounter in the next scene. It maintains the film's tone of creeping dread and isolation, but the critique here is that it relies heavily on dialogue for exposition, which might not be as visually engaging for a screen medium. Suggestions for improvement would involve enhancing visual storytelling to complement the verbal elements, ensuring the scene not only informs but also immerses the audience in the horror genre's atmospheric style.
Suggestions
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more character-specific and less expository; for example, have Lilly tie the 1975 story more personally to her mother's experiences or Riley's past to create emotional resonance and avoid info-dumping.
  • Add more sensory details or actions to build tension visually, such as having a character notice the floral scent and react physically (e.g., shivering or glancing around nervously) to make the supernatural elements feel more immediate and immersive.
  • Incorporate subtle hints of the characters' internal states through body language or close-ups; for instance, show Riley touching her scar subtly when discussing Sue, reinforcing her trauma without overt explanation.
  • Tighten the pacing by shortening some exchanges or intercutting with quick cuts to the storm outside or creeping frost, ensuring the scene maintains momentum and doesn't linger too long on static conversation.
  • Enhance the transition to Chelsea's exit by adding a moment of hesitation or group discussion about splitting up, emphasizing the theme of isolation and building anticipation for the horror that follows in the next scene.



Scene 11 -  Reflections of Terror
INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
Chelsea shuts the door behind her with a SNAP -- sets her
lantern on the sink --
Its bluish glow makes her skin look waxy -- like a mannequin.
CHELSEA
Ugh. I look like shit.
She leans toward the mirror -- rubs her cheeks.
Her reflection WINKS.
Chelsea squeezes her eyes shut.
She opens them --
Back to normal.
CHELSEA (CONT'D)
Cute. Real cute.
She forces a smile. Smooths her hair.
Her reflection doesn’t move -- it smiles faintly. Too still.
The reflection’s complexion dulls --
Wrinkles spiderweb across its skin.
Chelsea stumbles back.
CHELSEA (CONT'D)
What the fuck --
The reflection leans closer to the glass.
REFLECTION (V.O.)
(deep, masculine)
What happens when they stop looking
at you, Chelsea?

The lantern flickers. The temperature drops.
Chelsea’s breath fogs out in white clouds.
She turns the faucet --
It splutters -- then gushes thick water, tinged red,
splattering her hands.
Chelsea recoils.
CHELSEA
No... no, no --
The mirror fogs over.
A phrase scrawls itself into the condensation, written by an
unseen finger --
“I SEE YOU.”
Chelsea steps back -- her entire body trembles.
Two handprints press from inside the glass -- the surface
bulging like skin.
Her reflection looks forty years older now --
Sagging skin, yellowed teeth. Hair falling out in wet clumps
into the sink.
Glass bulges wider --
A face PUSHES through --
The handsome face of GARY appears. Perfect jawline. Dreamy
eyes. Radiant smile.
Suddenly, his mouth splits open to reveal --
Rows of jagged, glistening teeth.
GARY
(soft, hungry)
With me, you’ll never wrinkle.
You’ll be beautiful... forever.
Chelsea lunges for the door, pulling at the knob --
It’s locked.
Her wrinkled doppelgänger pounds the glass from the inside,
grinning with rotten gums.

Gary has vanished.
Her reflection reaches through --
A withered hand shoots out -- wraps around her wrist.
Her skin withers instantly.
Veins blacken. Wrinkles spread up her arm.
Chelsea claws at the door with her free hand.
CHELSEA
Help! HELP!
The mirror sucks her in --
INSIDE THE MIRROR
Chelsea thrashes in a black void surrounded by floating
faces.
Mouths flicker fast. Wrong. Eyes glowing faint yellow.
BACK TO BATHROOM
Chelsea PLOPS back out of the mirror, looks at her reflection
--
Inhuman now. Sagging. Skeletal.
The reflection grins back, still tugging at Chelsea.
Then, with a final, glassy suck --
The mirror swallows Chelsea.
The mirror ripples once --
Smooths into a pristine reflection of an empty bathroom.
The lantern dies with a POP.
Then -- silence.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Psychological"]

Summary In a chilling bathroom scene, Chelsea confronts her reflection, which transforms into a grotesque version of herself, taunting her about aging and beauty. As supernatural forces manifest, including a sinister figure resembling Gary, Chelsea is drawn into a nightmarish void. Despite her desperate attempts to escape, she is ultimately consumed by the mirror, leaving behind an empty bathroom as the lantern flickers out.
Strengths
  • Effective use of mirrors as a portal to a nightmarish reflection world
  • Building tension and suspense through visual cues and atmosphere
  • Strong execution of psychological and supernatural horror elements
Weaknesses
  • Possible need for more character development beyond Chelsea in the scene
  • Dialogue could be further enhanced to deepen emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively combines psychological terror with supernatural horror, creating a chilling atmosphere and escalating tension through the use of mirrors and reflections. The execution is strong, delivering a memorable and impactful sequence.


Story Content

Concept: 9.3

The concept of a mirror revealing a distorted, terrifying reflection world is a strong and innovative idea that adds depth to the horror elements in the scene. It creates a unique and memorable experience for the audience.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around Chelsea's terrifying encounter with her reflection in the mirror, adding a significant layer of horror and mystery to the overall story. It serves as a pivotal moment that deepens the supernatural elements in the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on the theme of vanity and the consequences of obsession with appearance. The supernatural twist and the protagonist's descent into a nightmarish reflection world add a unique and original dimension to the familiar fear of aging and beauty.


Character Development

Characters: 8.8

The characters in the scene, particularly Chelsea, are well-developed in their reactions to the supernatural events unfolding. Chelsea's fear and desperation are palpable, adding to the tension and horror of the scene.

Character Changes: 9

Chelsea undergoes a significant transformation in the scene, from initial disbelief to terror and desperation as she confronts her distorted reflection. The experience changes her perception of reality and herself.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to confront her insecurities about aging and appearance. Chelsea's fear of losing her beauty and youth is reflected in her interactions with her distorted reflection, highlighting her deeper anxieties and desires.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to escape the supernatural threat posed by her reflection and the mirror. Chelsea's immediate challenge is to survive the terrifying ordeal unfolding in the bathroom.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.4

The conflict in the scene is intense and internal, as Chelsea battles with her distorted reflection and the horrifying consequences of her encounter. The supernatural conflict adds a layer of terror and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Chelsea facing a formidable supernatural threat that challenges her physically and emotionally. The uncertainty of her survival and the escalating danger create a sense of suspense and unpredictability.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are high in the scene as Chelsea faces a nightmarish reflection that threatens her very existence. The supernatural encounter raises the stakes and intensifies the horror and suspense.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by deepening the supernatural elements and psychological horror of the narrative. It introduces a new layer of mystery and terror that drives the plot towards darker revelations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the supernatural events. The sudden appearance of Gary and the mirror's sinister transformation keep the audience on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of vanity, mortality, and the pursuit of eternal beauty. Chelsea's encounter with her distorted reflection challenges her beliefs about aging and the consequences of vanity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.6

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, shock, and dread in the audience as Chelsea faces her nightmarish reflection. The terror and desperation are palpable, heightening the emotional intensity.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the escalating terror and desperation of Chelsea as she confronts her nightmarish reflection. It adds to the atmosphere and emotional impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its gripping narrative, escalating tension, and supernatural elements. The reader is drawn into Chelsea's terrifying ordeal and the mystery surrounding her distorted reflection, creating a sense of suspense and anticipation.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted to build suspense and maintain a sense of urgency. The gradual escalation of supernatural events, interspersed with moments of heightened tension, keeps the audience engaged and invested in Chelsea's plight.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected conventions of a horror/supernatural genre scene. The use of descriptive language, dialogue formatting, and scene transitions enhances the eerie atmosphere and suspenseful tone.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-paced structure that builds tension effectively. The escalating supernatural events and the protagonist's desperate attempts to escape are presented in a coherent and engaging manner.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds suspense and horror through a gradual escalation of supernatural elements, starting with subtle anomalies like the winking reflection and progressing to overt terror with the mirror swallowing Chelsea. This mirrors classic horror techniques, such as those in films like 'The Ring' or 'Poltergeist', where familiar objects become sources of dread, helping the audience understand how everyday settings can amplify fear. However, the rapid progression might feel overwhelming, potentially reducing the impact of individual scares by not allowing enough time for the audience to process each event, which could make the horror less memorable and more chaotic.
  • Chelsea's character is portrayed with vulnerability in this scene, contrasting her earlier sarcastic and bold demeanor, which adds depth and makes her demise more emotionally resonant. This character arc helps readers see how the horror targets personal insecurities, such as her obsession with appearance highlighted in the reflection's taunts. That said, the dialogue from the reflection feels somewhat generic and could benefit from more specificity to Chelsea's backstory or recent actions, making the critique less effective and the scene feel like a standard jump-scare sequence rather than a personalized nightmare.
  • Visually, the scene is rich with atmospheric details—such as the bluish lantern glow making skin look waxy, the fogging mirror, and the red-tinged water—which immerses the viewer and builds a claustrophobic tension. This sensory approach is commendable for screenwriting, as it translates well to film, evoking a strong sense of unease. However, some elements, like the immediate aging and the appearance of Gary, might rely too heavily on clichés, potentially undermining the originality of the horror. In the context of the larger script, this could feel repetitive if similar mirror-based scares have been used, diluting the uniqueness of the 'Dream Boy' game's mechanics.
  • The ending, with Chelsea being pulled into the mirror and the scene cutting to silence, creates a powerful cliffhanger that heightens suspense and propels the narrative forward by removing a character and escalating stakes. This technique is effective for maintaining pace in a horror screenplay, but it risks feeling abrupt or unearned if not sufficiently foreshadowed in prior scenes. For instance, the connection to the 'Dream Boy' game and Chelsea's card flip in scene 8 could be strengthened to make this event feel more integral to the plot, helping readers understand the cause-and-effect relationships in the story.
  • Overall, the scene excels in creating a visceral, body-horror experience that aligns with the script's themes of vanity, surveillance, and supernatural bargains, as seen in the references to aging and eternal beauty. However, the lack of interaction with other characters or the environment beyond the mirror limits the scene's scope, making it feel isolated. This could be improved by integrating more cross-cutting or auditory links to the group downstairs, enhancing the sense of a larger threat and making the horror more interconnected with the ensemble dynamics established earlier.
Suggestions
  • To enhance subtlety and build tension more effectively, add a few beats where Chelsea notices minor irregularities before the major scares, such as a faint distortion in the mirror or a whisper just at the edge of hearing, allowing the audience to anticipate and dread the escalation.
  • Make the reflection's dialogue more personal by incorporating elements from Chelsea's character development, like referencing her social media obsession or insecurities mentioned in scene 4, to deepen the emotional impact and make the horror feel targeted and unique to her.
  • Adjust the pacing by inserting short reaction shots or pauses after key moments, such as after the winking reflection or the red water, to give the audience time to absorb the horror, which can make the scares more potent and less frantic.
  • Strengthen ties to the overarching plot by including subtle visual or auditory callbacks to the 'Dream Boy' game or the 1975 events, such as a faint ring tone echoing from the game or a shadow resembling Sue, to reinforce thematic consistency and make Chelsea's fate feel like a natural progression of the curse.
  • Consider expanding the scene's scope slightly by having sounds from the bathroom bleed into the kitchen or hallway, creating tension for the other characters and building anticipation for Chelsea's disappearance, which would integrate this moment more seamlessly into the group's narrative arc.



Scene 12 -  Whispers of the Chosen
INT. CHAPTER ROOM - NIGHT
Heavy oak doors swing open --
Riley, Brooke, and Lilly step inside, their lanterns casting
cones of pale light.
A mausoleum.

Velvet drapes. Oak table.
Smiling girls stare from the walls.
BROOKE
I’ve always hated this room.
Hundreds of smiling faces trapped
in sepia. Feels like they're --
RILEY
-- Watching you.
Brooke shines her light across a wall of composite photos
framed in gold.
Riley moves slowly down the line, studying each composite.
The glass reflects their lanterns, doubling their faces with
the frozen smiles of past sisters.
Riley stops.
The plaque -- “1975.”
Riley leans in --
Three girls in the middle row have had their faces scratched
out violently.
The name beneath one of the scratched-out faces -- JANE
DAWKINS.
Beside them, untouched, is someone familiar.
Dark hair. Piercing eyes. A faint, knowing smile -- SUE.
Riley recoils, breath catching.
RILEY (CONT'D)
(whispers)
There she is...
Riley points. Brooke and Lilly lean in.
BROOKE
Holy shit. There’s Sue.
LILLY
Those girls with the scratched-out
faces are the missing ones. Look --
Lilly points to the name “Jane Dawkins.”
The air drops colder.

In a corner of the room, half-swallowed by the dark --
A figure lingers. Still. Watching. Its eyes glimmer yellow.
The girls remain transfixed on the 1975 composite.
Suddenly, the glass of the frame CRACKS down the middle.
WHISPERS bleed from the walls -- overlapping, feminine,
endless.
WHISPERS (O.S.)
Three were chosen...
Brooke steps back, jaw tense.
BROOKE
Alright, I’m done playing detective
for tonight.
Riley reaches out to steady her.
Then --
RING.
The pink phone shrieks from the living room --
Its metallic clang echoes through the house.
The whispers choke off.
Silence.
RING.
Brooke stares at Riley, terrified but resigned.
BROOKE (CONT'D)
My turn.
The girls bolt out of the Chapter Room, lanterns swinging
wildly.
The sound of the blizzard outside surges like laughter.
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In the eerie Chapter Room of a sorority house, Riley, Brooke, and Lilly uncover unsettling secrets as they examine composite photos of past sisters. Riley discovers three faces scratched out, including one named Jane Dawkins, alongside a familiar figure, Sue, causing shock among the group. As whispers chant 'Three were chosen,' the atmosphere thickens with dread, prompting Brooke to withdraw from the investigation. Their fear escalates when the glass frame cracks, but the tension is abruptly interrupted by a ringing phone, leading the girls to flee the room into the blizzard's mocking laughter.
Strengths
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Revealing chilling discoveries
  • Creating an eerie atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Possible need for clearer character motivations in response to the discoveries

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery, keeping the audience engaged with its eerie atmosphere, chilling revelations, and ominous whispers. The discovery of the scratched-out faces and the appearance of the figure enhance the sense of foreboding and set the stage for further suspense.


Story Content

Concept: 9.1

The concept of uncovering dark secrets from the past within the sorority house adds depth to the narrative and creates a sense of intrigue. The incorporation of supernatural elements and mysterious whispers adds layers to the overall story.

Plot: 9.2

The plot of the scene is crucial in advancing the overarching mystery and building suspense. The discovery of the scratched-out faces and the revelation about the missing girls from 1975 deepen the intrigue and propel the story forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the mystery genre by blending supernatural elements with a historical mystery, creating an eerie and suspenseful atmosphere. The characters' reactions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' reactions and interactions in the scene contribute to the escalating tension and sense of unease. Each character's response to the discoveries in the chapter room adds depth to their personalities and hints at their individual fears.

Character Changes: 9

The characters experience a shift in their understanding of the sorority's history and the events of 1975, leading to increased tension and suspicion. The discoveries in the chapter room prompt a change in their perceptions and fears.

Internal Goal: 9

Riley's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth behind the scratched-out faces in the composite photos and to confront the unsettling presence of Sue. This reflects Riley's curiosity, determination, and perhaps a deeper fear of the unknown and the past.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to investigate the missing girls and the strange occurrences in the Chapter Room. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of solving a mystery and facing supernatural elements.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.9

The scene introduces internal and external conflicts through the characters' discoveries and the eerie atmosphere within the chapter room. The cracked glass, whispers, and ominous figure create a sense of impending danger and heighten the conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing supernatural forces, unsettling revelations, and a sense of impending danger. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes in the scene are evident through the characters' unsettling discoveries, the ominous whispers, and the appearance of the figure in the chapter room. The sense of danger and mystery raises the stakes for the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly advances the story by revealing crucial information about the missing girls from 1975 and setting up future conflicts and revelations. The discoveries in the chapter room propel the narrative forward and deepen the mystery.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the supernatural elements, the mystery surrounding the missing girls, and the sudden cracking of the glass frame. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of fate, sacrifice, and the unknown. The idea of 'three were chosen' hints at a deeper, possibly supernatural, conflict that challenges the characters' beliefs and understanding of their reality.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.1

The scene evokes fear, curiosity, and unease in the audience, drawing them into the mystery and suspense of the narrative. The chilling discoveries and eerie atmosphere create a strong emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8.8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and suspicions. The exchanges between the characters reveal their relationships and dynamics, adding layers to the scene's atmosphere.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its eerie atmosphere, mysterious elements, and the gradual reveal of unsettling truths. The tension and suspense keep the audience captivated and eager to uncover the secrets of the Chapter Room.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment with the cracking glass frame. The rhythm of the dialogue and character actions enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a mystery/horror genre screenplay, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues that enhance the visual and emotional impact of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment with the cracking glass frame. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds on the mounting tension from previous scenes by connecting the characters' investigation to the overarching mystery of the 1975 disappearances, creating a sense of progression in the narrative. The visual descriptions, such as the lanterns casting cones of pale light and the reflections in the glass, contribute to a claustrophobic, eerie atmosphere that aligns with the horror genre's reliance on shadow and light to evoke dread. However, the unnoticed figure with yellow eyes in the corner feels underutilized; its presence is mentioned but not engaged with, which could make it seem like a missed opportunity to heighten immediate tension or foreshadow future events more actively, potentially leaving the audience feeling that the threat is not fully integrated into the scene's dynamics.
  • Dialogue in the scene serves to reveal character personalities and advance the plot, with Brooke's discomfort and Riley's recognition of Sue providing insight into their fears and connections to the story. Yet, some lines, like Brooke's comment about 'hundreds of smiling faces trapped in sepia,' come across as slightly expository and on-the-nose, which might reduce the subtlety and make the scene feel more tell than show. This could be refined to allow the audience to infer the unease through actions and visuals rather than direct statements, enhancing the immersive quality and making the horror more psychological.
  • The pacing is brisk and suspenseful, escalating from curiosity to fear with the cracking glass and whispers, which mirrors the script's overall structure of building dread. However, the abrupt cut to the phone ringing and the characters' exit might feel too sudden, potentially disrupting the flow and not giving the audience enough time to absorb the supernatural elements, such as the whispers chanting 'Three were chosen.' This could benefit from a slight extension or more layered buildup to allow the tension to linger, making the transition to the next scene feel more organic and less like a jump-cut escape.
  • Character interactions, particularly Riley's recoil and whisper upon recognizing Sue, effectively tie into her backstory and personal trauma, adding depth and emotional stakes. Nevertheless, the scene lacks acknowledgment of Chelsea's recent disappearance from the previous scene, which could create a disconnect in continuity and emotional resonance. Incorporating a brief reference to her absence might reinforce the group's isolation and heighten the stakes, reminding the audience of the escalating dangers and making the characters' decisions feel more grounded in their current reality.
  • The ending, with the blizzard sounding like laughter, is a strong auditory cue that reinforces the malevolent atmosphere and ties into the script's themes of entrapment and supernatural persecution. However, the scene's reliance on visual and auditory horror elements without deeper exploration of the characters' internal states might limit its impact; for instance, showing more of Riley's physical or emotional response through close-ups or subtle actions could amplify the horror, making it more personal and relatable, especially for readers or viewers who are following Riley's arc.
Suggestions
  • To better integrate the yellow-eyed figure, have one of the characters peripherally notice something off, like a glint of light or a shadow moving, without fully revealing it, to create a sense of immediate danger and build suspense more effectively.
  • Refine the dialogue to be less expository by replacing direct descriptions with more subtle, character-driven lines; for example, have Brooke shiver or avoid looking at the photos, allowing her discomfort to be shown through actions rather than stated outright.
  • Extend the moment after the glass cracks and whispers begin by adding a beat of silence or a slow pan across the room to let the supernatural elements sink in, ensuring the escalation feels gradual and the cut to the phone ring is less abrupt, improving the overall pacing.
  • Add a line of dialogue or a quick action that references Chelsea's absence, such as Riley glancing at the door and murmuring about her not being there, to maintain narrative continuity and heighten the emotional tension within the group.
  • Incorporate more sensory details or close-up shots to deepen character reactions; for instance, show Riley's hand trembling as she points at Sue's photo or have the whispers cause a physical reaction, like a chill running down a character's spine, to make the horror more visceral and engaging for the audience.



Scene 13 -  Echoes of Laughter
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
The girls burst in, clutching their lanterns.
The pink phone waits on the coffee table -- glowing faintly.
RING.

The sound reverberates unnaturally through the house, like
it’s coming from inside the walls.
RING.
Brooke lurches forward and snatches the phone --
On the FOURTH RING.
She presses it to her ear.
Silence...
Then --
A LAUGH TRACK.
Artificial, canned LAUGHTER rises and falls like an old
sitcom. Tinny. Mocking.
Brooke is tense.
BROOKE
Hello?...
The laughter swells, looping and overlapping until it becomes
distorted.
Brooke SLAMS the phone down and clutches her chest, shaken.
LILLY
What did he say to you?
BROOKE
Just... laughing. A room full of
it.
Riley stares, realization dawning.
RILEY
You picked up after the fourth
ring.
BROOKE
So?
RILEY
The rules said to pick up before
the fourth ring.
Brooke bristles.
BROOKE
Whatever. It’s a stupid game.

Riley flips the game box.
Underside -- polished wood. Scratched.
Riley’s fingers find carved initials --
"S.W. 1975."
The letters are jagged, carved with a knife.
Riley’s breath catches.
RILEY
(under breath)
Sue Willits.
Her thumb traces the letters.
A chill seems to rise from the carving itself.
The laugh track echoes -- distant, warbling through the
vents.
LILLY
Where's Chelsea? She’s been gone a
long time.
The realization hits them all at once.
BROOKE
She’s probably just fixing her
makeup.
RILEY
No. Something feels wrong. We need
to go find her.
BROOKE
I’m not going anywhere. Who knows
what’s up there.
LILLY
(to Riley)
It’s my turn. I can’t miss my call.
RILEY
Fine, I’ll go look for Chelsea.
Riley stomps off.
Brooke and Lilly look at each other, dread spreading between
them.
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In a suspenseful night scene, Brooke, Lilly, and Riley enter a dimly lit living room during a blizzard, only to be confronted by a mysterious phone call that unnerves Brooke. After she answers the phone and hears a mocking laugh track, tensions rise as Riley points out Brooke's violation of the game's rules. The discovery of the initials 'S.W. 1975' leads to a chilling realization, while the group grows increasingly anxious about their missing friend Chelsea. As Riley decides to search for Chelsea alone, the atmosphere thickens with dread, leaving Brooke and Lilly in a state of fear and uncertainty.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Mysterious elements
  • Character dynamics
  • Eerie atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity on the significance of the carved initials
  • Chelsea's disappearance may require further resolution

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene effectively maintains a high level of tension and suspense, utilizing eerie elements and character dynamics to keep the audience engaged. The discovery of the carved initials and the disappearance of Chelsea add depth to the mystery, enhancing the overall impact of the scene.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of uncovering past mysteries and the supernatural elements tied to the pink phone and carved initials add depth to the scene. The integration of these elements with the disappearance of Chelsea creates a compelling narrative that drives the tension and intrigue forward.

Plot: 8.7

The plot of the scene is engaging, with the discovery of the carved initials and the disappearance of Chelsea serving as pivotal moments. These events propel the story forward, deepen the mystery, and set the stage for further developments. The plot progression keeps the audience invested in the unfolding events.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to a familiar horror trope by incorporating elements like the laugh track and the mysterious game, adding layers of intrigue and suspense. The characters' reactions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.4

The characters' reactions to the eerie events and their interactions contribute significantly to the scene's impact. Each character's response to the unfolding mystery adds layers to their personalities and relationships, enhancing the overall tension and suspense. The dynamics between the characters are well-portrayed.

Character Changes: 8

The disappearance of Chelsea prompts a shift in the characters' dynamics and motivations, leading to a sense of urgency and concern among the group. This event marks a significant change in the scene's progression and sets the stage for further character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Brooke's internal goal in this scene is to maintain her composure and not show her fear despite the unsettling events happening around her. This reflects her need to appear strong and in control, masking any vulnerabilities she may have.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to figure out the mystery behind the strange phone call and the disappearance of Chelsea. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of the unknown and potentially dangerous situation they find themselves in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.8

The conflict in the scene is multi-layered, involving both external elements like the disappearance of Chelsea and internal tensions among the characters. The mystery surrounding the carved initials and the pink phone creates a sense of impending danger and raises the stakes for the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing unknown threats and challenges that create a sense of danger and urgency. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes in the scene are established through the disappearance of Chelsea, the eerie events surrounding the pink phone and carved initials, and the sense of impending danger. The characters' safety and the unraveling mystery create a sense of urgency and risk, heightening the tension.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing key plot points, deepening the mystery, and raising the stakes for the characters. The discovery of the carved initials and Chelsea's disappearance propel the narrative, setting the stage for further revelations and developments.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected elements introduced, such as the laugh track and the mysterious disappearance of Chelsea, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of following rules versus intuition. Riley points out the importance of following the rules of the game, while Brooke dismisses them, highlighting a clash between logic and gut feelings.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, eliciting feelings of fear, anxiety, and suspense. The disappearance of Chelsea and the eerie events unfolding contribute to a sense of dread and unease, heightening the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 8.2

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and suspicions, adding depth to their interactions. The exchanges between the characters reveal their personalities and motivations, driving the scene's progression and maintaining the suspenseful tone.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its gripping atmosphere, escalating mystery, and well-defined character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the unfolding events.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a rhythmic flow that keeps the audience engaged and eager to uncover the next twist or revelation. It contributes to the scene's overall effectiveness in conveying the escalating mystery.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, effectively conveying the setting, character actions, and dialogue in a way that enhances the suspenseful atmosphere. It aligns with the expected format for a suspenseful genre scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure that builds tension effectively, with clear character motivations and interactions that propel the narrative forward. It adheres to the expected format for a suspenseful genre scene.


Critique
  • This scene effectively maintains the suspenseful momentum from the previous scenes by immediately plunging the characters into another supernatural encounter with the ringing phone, which ties into the established rules of the 'Dream Boy' game and reinforces the theme of inescapable horror. The unnatural reverberation of the ring and the distorted laugh track create a chilling atmosphere that heightens the audience's unease, making the viewer feel the characters' isolation and dread. However, the transition from the phone call to the discussion of Chelsea's absence feels somewhat abrupt, potentially missing an opportunity to deepen the emotional impact by allowing more time for the characters to process the laugh track's implications, which could make the horror more psychologically resonant.
  • Character dynamics are portrayed with clarity, showcasing Riley's proactive and cautious nature, Brooke's skepticism and defensiveness, and Lilly's quiet concern, which helps build a sense of group tension and individual personalities. This is a strength, as it makes the interactions feel authentic to the story's progression, but Brooke's dismissal of the game as 'stupid' comes across as somewhat stereotypical for a horror character, lacking depth that could connect it to her backstory or motivations. This line risks reducing her to a trope of the 'doubting friend,' which might undermine the audience's investment if not balanced with more nuanced development.
  • The revelation of the carved initials 'S.W. 1975' and Riley's whisper of 'Sue Willits' is a solid piece of foreshadowing that links back to earlier clues about the 1975 disappearances, effectively weaving the mystery tighter and rewarding attentive viewers. However, this moment could be more impactful if the clue were integrated with additional sensory details or a slower reveal, as the current execution feels a bit rushed, potentially lessening the 'aha' moment. Additionally, the faint echo of the laugh track through the vents is a clever audio cue that enhances the supernatural elements, but it might benefit from visual reinforcement, such as subtle environmental changes, to make the horror more immersive and less reliant on sound alone.
  • The scene's ending, with Riley deciding to search for Chelsea alone and the shared look of dread between Brooke and Lilly, effectively escalates the stakes and sets up future conflicts, maintaining the film's pace as part of a larger 39-scene structure. That said, the dialogue around Chelsea's absence feels expository, with lines like 'She’s been gone a long time' serving more to advance the plot than to reveal character emotions, which could make the scene feel mechanical. A more organic integration of this concern, perhaps through nonverbal cues or interrupted thoughts, would help blend the horror with character-driven storytelling, making the audience care more deeply about the characters' fates.
  • Overall, the scene succeeds in building tension and advancing the plot by connecting immediate supernatural events to the broader mythology, but it occasionally sacrifices depth for pace. For instance, Lilly's line about it being her turn for the call adds to the game's rules but doesn't fully explore her internal conflict, which could be amplified to show how the game is affecting each character differently, thus enriching the thematic elements of fear, tradition, and entrapment established in earlier scenes.
Suggestions
  • Slow down the pacing after Brooke slams the phone down by adding a beat of silence or close-up shots of the characters' reactions to the laugh track, allowing the audience to absorb the horror and build more suspense before shifting to Chelsea's absence.
  • Enhance Brooke's character by adding a subtle motivation for her dismissal of the game, such as a quick flashback or line referencing her fear of vulnerability, to make her skepticism feel more personal and less clichéd.
  • Make the discovery of the carved initials more interactive and tense by having Riley struggle to find them or interpret their meaning, perhaps with a shaky camera or added sound effects, to increase the reveal's impact and tie it more seamlessly to the story's clues.
  • Refine the dialogue to be less on-the-nose; for example, rewrite 'It’s a stupid game' to something like 'This is all just a bunch of nonsense we dug up—nothing's real,' to reveal more about Brooke's coping mechanism and make the conversation feel more natural and character-driven.
  • Incorporate additional sensory details, such as describing the cold draft from the vents or the way the lantern light flickers with the laugh track, to heighten immersion and make the supernatural elements more vivid and terrifying for the audience.



Scene 14 -  The Locked Door
INT. STAIRCASE - NIGHT
The storm ROARS outside.
The staircase groans as Riley climbs, lantern swinging.
Her shadow stretches. Warped across the peeling wallpaper.
RILEY
Chelsea...?
Only the wind answers, whistling through unseen cracks.
INT. UPSTAIRS - HALLWAY - NIGHT
Riley moves down the hallway. Cautious.
Her lantern light plays across rows of closed doors --
Each one feels like an eye, shut but watching.
A bathroom door sits slightly ajar.
Riley hesitates, then nudges it open --
Inside --
A sparkling clean bathroom. Porcelain gleaming.
Riley closes the door -- the latch CLICKS unnaturally loudly.
The hallway leans inward. Narrows. Presses.
Riley stops before a door unlike the others.
Bigger. Older. Multiple locks.
A seam of light bleeds underneath --
With it comes a chill that smells of rotting roses.
Her hand shakes. Teeth gnash.
She steels herself and pulls out her STUDENT ID.
She slides the plastic into the lock.
SCRAPE... SCRAPE...
The ID card rasps against metal.
The wallpaper twitches with each push.

Finally --
CLICK.
The echo shudders down the hall like a gunshot.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary In a tense and suspenseful scene, Riley navigates a dark, stormy night as she ascends a creaking staircase, searching for Chelsea. Her lantern casts eerie shadows on the peeling wallpaper, and her call for Chelsea goes unanswered. As she explores the upstairs hallway filled with closed doors, she hesitates before entering a pristine bathroom, only to feel the oppressive atmosphere closing in on her. Stopping at a foreboding door with multiple locks, she is drawn in by a chilling light and the scent of rotting roses. Overcoming her fear, she uses her student ID to unlock the door, the click echoing ominously down the hall, heightening the suspense.
Strengths
  • Atmospheric descriptions
  • Building tension
  • Mystery elements
  • Supernatural occurrences
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of character depth in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively creates a chilling atmosphere, maintains suspense, and sets up intriguing mysteries, keeping the audience engaged and on edge throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene, focusing on mystery, horror, and supernatural elements, is intriguing and well-developed, drawing the audience into the unfolding events.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene advances the overarching mystery and horror elements, introducing new layers of intrigue and setting up future developments effectively.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces familiar elements of a haunted house setting but adds a fresh approach through the contrast of the clean bathroom, the multiple locks on the door, and the sensory details like the smell of rotting roses. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's authenticity.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters in the scene react realistically to the escalating tension and supernatural occurrences, adding depth to the unfolding events.

Character Changes: 8

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the escalating tension and supernatural events contribute to the characters' development and reactions.

Internal Goal: 8

Riley's internal goal is to confront her fears and uncover the truth behind the mysterious door. This reflects her deeper need for closure, her fear of the unknown, and her desire to overcome obstacles that have haunted her.

External Goal: 7.5

Riley's external goal is to unlock the door with multiple locks and discover what lies behind it. This goal reflects the immediate challenge she faces in exploring the house and solving its mysteries.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The scene maintains a high level of conflict through the sense of impending danger, supernatural elements, and the characters' reactions to the unfolding events.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Riley facing physical obstacles like the locked door and the eerie atmosphere of the house. The audience is kept in suspense about how she will overcome these challenges.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes are established through the sense of impending danger, supernatural occurrences, and the characters' increasing vulnerability in the eerie setting.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new mysteries, escalating the tension, and setting up future developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it keeps the audience guessing about what Riley will discover behind the locked door and how she will react to the chilling atmosphere of the house.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of curiosity versus fear, and the idea of confronting one's past to find closure. Riley's beliefs and values are tested as she delves deeper into the unknown, balancing her desire for answers with the fear of what she might uncover.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, instilling fear, anxiety, and unease through its atmospheric descriptions and supernatural occurrences.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue serves to enhance the atmosphere and build character dynamics, contributing to the overall sense of unease and mystery.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of suspense and intrigue, drawing the reader into Riley's exploration of the mysterious house and her confrontation with the unknown.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, using the rhythm of Riley's movements and the sounds of the environment to create a sense of foreboding and anticipation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting effectively conveys the visual and auditory elements of the scene, enhancing the reader's immersion in the setting and events. It aligns with the expected format for a screenplay in this genre.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-paced structure that builds tension through atmospheric descriptions and character actions. It adheres to the expected format for a suspenseful, mystery genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through sensory details like the roaring storm, groaning staircase, and twitching wallpaper, which immerses the reader in Riley's growing unease. However, this reliance on common horror tropes—such as doors that feel 'watchful' and a narrowing hallway—can make the sequence feel somewhat predictable and less original. To engage modern audiences, who are familiar with these elements, the scene could benefit from more unique twists that tie directly into the screenplay's overarching themes, such as the supernatural history of the house or Riley's personal trauma, to make the horror feel more personalized and less generic.
  • Pacing is generally strong, with a slow build-up that culminates in the loud click of the lock, creating a satisfying payoff. That said, the lock-picking action with the student ID feels a bit contrived and could be more believable or integrated with Riley's character. For instance, why does she have her ID handy, and how does this action reflect her resourcefulness or desperation? Additionally, the transition from the staircase to the hallway is smooth, but the scene might drag slightly in the hallway description, potentially losing momentum if not balanced with varied action or internal conflict.
  • Character development is subtle but effective in showing Riley's fear and determination through physical actions like her shaking hand and gnashing teeth. However, the dialogue is minimal—limited to a single line of calling out 'Chelsea...?'—which limits insight into her thoughts and emotions. This could be an opportunity to deepen the audience's connection to Riley by incorporating more internal monologue or subtle behaviors that reference her backstory (e.g., her scar or past trauma), making her actions feel more motivated and less like a generic horror protagonist.
  • The use of sound and visual elements is commendable, with details like the unnatural click echoing 'like a gunshot' and the chill smelling of rotting roses adding to the atmospheric dread. Nevertheless, some descriptions, such as the wallpaper twitching with each scrape, might be overly explicit, risking telegraphing the scare too early. This could reduce the surprise factor; a more gradual reveal or implication of supernatural activity might heighten suspense. Furthermore, the scene's connection to the larger narrative is clear (leading to Sue's room), but it could foreshadow this more explicitly to build anticipation without giving away too much.
  • Overall, the scene serves its purpose in escalating tension and transitioning to the next horror beat, but it occasionally sacrifices subtlety for directness. For example, the hallway 'pressing in' is a vivid image, but it might benefit from being shown through Riley's physical reactions rather than stated outright, allowing the audience to infer the dread. This scene fits well within the script's pattern of isolated explorations leading to discoveries, but ensuring each scene adds a fresh layer to the horror could prevent repetition across the 39 scenes.
Suggestions
  • To add originality, incorporate a specific detail from the 1975 backstory, such as a faint whisper or a visual cue (e.g., a scratched symbol on a door) that links directly to the missing girls or Sue, making the horror more tied to the plot rather than generic suspense.
  • Enhance pacing by breaking up the lock-picking sequence with shorter, interspersed actions or sounds—such as Riley pausing to listen for noises or feeling a sudden draft—that build micro-tension and make the moment more dynamic and engaging.
  • Develop Riley's character further by adding a brief internal thought or a physical tic related to her trauma (e.g., touching her scar while steeling herself), which would provide emotional depth and make her decisions feel more personal and relatable.
  • Refine sensory descriptions by making them more subtle and integrated; for instance, imply the wallpaper's movement through Riley's perspective (e.g., 'she swears the pattern shifts in the corner of her eye') to increase ambiguity and suspense, drawing the audience in without overexplaining.
  • Strengthen narrative connections by hinting at the door's significance earlier in the scene or through a quick flashback trigger, ensuring the audience anticipates the reveal in the next scene while maintaining the flow of escalating dread.



Scene 15 -  Secrets of the Immaculate Room
INT. SUE'S ROOM - NIGHT
Riley pushes the door open -- a lantern beam cuts through the
gloom.
The room is immaculate.
Lace curtains are pinned stiff. A canopy bed with sheets
pressed flat.
An antique vanity gleams -- silver brushes and combs are laid
out with surgical precision.
The air is dense and damp.
The smell of wilted roses chokes the room.
Riley edges in, her breath hitching.
She crouches by the nightstand -- sliding the drawer open --
Empty.
She frowns -- turning her gaze to the wooden floor beside the
bed --
One floorboard is warped. It is uneven.
She kneels by it --
She pries it up with her fingernails.
The wood SPLINTERS, snapping loose.
Inside --
A BLACK-BOUND BOOK. Cracked leather. Slick. Sweating.
Riley lifts it --
She opens it with shaking hands.
On the page --
Sigils writhe. Ink spirals. In the margins -- Names. Dates.
Riley flips the page -- wide-eyed.

“December 1975. Three chosen. The house fed well.”
RILEY
(whispers)
Holy shit.
Something slithers across the wallpaper behind her.
A yellowed newspaper clipping slips free from the pages --
Riley picks it up.
The headline reads, “Still No Answers for Three Missing
Sorority Sisters.”
Beneath the headline --
Black-and-white portraits of the three missing girls -- Jane
Dawkins. Chrissy Salters. Meghan Siebert.
Riley swallows hard, clutching the book tight against her
chest like stolen evidence.
The wallpaper BULGES.
A FACE presses outward -- cheeks, nose, mouth mid-scream.
Riley freezes, her eyes full of terror.
The wallpaper ripples again -- harder.
Multiple hands push outward, straining the surface skin of
the house.
WALL VOICES (V.O.)
(whispering, layered)
Feed us...
Riley lurches for the door, SLAMS it shut behind her.
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In a chilling night scene, Riley enters Sue's pristine room, only to uncover dark secrets hidden beneath the surface. As she pries open a warped floorboard, she discovers a sinister black-bound book filled with unsettling sigils and a newspaper clipping about three missing sorority sisters. The atmosphere turns terrifying as supernatural elements manifest, with the wallpaper bulging and whispering ominously. Overwhelmed by fear, Riley escapes the room, slamming the door behind her.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Intriguing mystery elements
  • Effective use of supernatural elements
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Possible predictability in some supernatural occurrences
  • Limited character development in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene excels in creating a palpable sense of dread and mystery, skillfully blending supernatural elements with psychological horror. The pacing is well-crafted, leading to a climactic moment that leaves a lasting impact on the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9.5

The concept of exploring a hidden room filled with ominous artifacts from the past is intriguing and sets the stage for a deeper dive into the mysteries surrounding the missing sorority sisters. The integration of supernatural elements adds layers of complexity to the storyline.

Plot: 9

The plot unfolds with a perfect balance of suspense and revelation, keeping the audience engaged and invested in uncovering the secrets of Sue's room. The discovery of the black-bound book and newspaper clippings propels the narrative forward, heightening the stakes and deepening the mystery.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the haunted room trope by blending elements of mystery, horror, and supernatural intrigue. The authenticity of the characters' reactions and the eerie atmosphere contribute to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.8

The characters react authentically to the eerie discoveries in Sue's room, showcasing a range of emotions from fear to curiosity. Riley's determination to uncover the truth and the group's collective unease contribute to the scene's tension and intrigue.

Character Changes: 9

Riley undergoes a significant shift in perception and understanding as she uncovers the dark secrets hidden in Sue's room. The revelations she encounters challenge her beliefs and deepen her connection to the mysterious events unfolding around her.

Internal Goal: 9

Riley's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth behind the mysterious book and the missing sorority sisters. This reflects her curiosity, bravery, and desire for justice or closure.

External Goal: 8

Riley's external goal is to escape the supernatural threat in Sue's room. This reflects her immediate challenge of survival and avoiding danger.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.4

The conflict in the scene is multi-layered, encompassing both the characters' internal struggles with fear and the external threats posed by the supernatural elements they encounter. The escalating tension and sense of impending danger drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the supernatural threat and the mystery of the missing sorority sisters creating obstacles for the protagonist. The audience is left uncertain about how Riley will navigate these challenges.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as the characters confront supernatural forces and unearth dark secrets that have been buried for decades. The sense of danger and the unknown heighten the tension and create a sense of urgency in uncovering the truth.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by unveiling crucial information about the missing sorority sisters and the ominous events surrounding their disappearance. The discoveries made in Sue's room set the stage for further exploration and unraveling of the overarching mystery.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden appearance of supernatural elements, the mystery surrounding the book, and the unexpected twist with the wallpaper coming to life. The audience is kept guessing about what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of hidden truths, consequences of past actions, and the supernatural. It challenges Riley's beliefs about the nature of reality, the existence of the paranormal, and the power of secrets.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.6

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, eliciting fear, shock, and unease as the characters delve deeper into the mysteries of Sue's room. The chilling revelations and supernatural manifestations heighten the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 8.7

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' growing unease and fear as they unearth unsettling artifacts and encounter supernatural occurrences. The whispered wall voices and Riley's shocked realization add depth to the narrative.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its gripping suspense, eerie atmosphere, and supernatural elements that keep the audience on edge. The mystery surrounding the book and missing sorority sisters adds depth and intrigue.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted to build tension and suspense gradually. The rhythm of the reveals, from the discovery of the book to the appearance of the supernatural entities, enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, with descriptive elements enhancing the atmosphere and mood. It aligns with the expected format for a screenplay in the horror genre.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-paced structure that effectively builds tension and suspense. It adheres to the expected format for a horror/mystery genre, with a gradual reveal of secrets and escalating supernatural elements.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds suspense through Riley's exploration and the gradual reveal of supernatural elements, creating a claustrophobic atmosphere that ties into the overall horror theme of the screenplay. The description of the room's immaculate state contrasts sharply with the damp, choking smell of wilted roses, which heightens the unease and foreshadows the horror, making it a strong visual and sensory setup for readers to visualize the scene vividly.
  • Riley's character is portrayed with consistent vulnerability and determination, drawing on her established trauma from earlier scenes (e.g., her scar and breathing exercises). Her whispered 'Holy shit' reaction to the book entry feels authentic and humanizes her in a moment of shock, but it could be more nuanced to reflect the depth of her PTSD, perhaps by incorporating a brief internal conflict or reference to her past, strengthening the emotional stakes for the audience.
  • The supernatural elements, such as the wallpaper bulging with faces and hands, and the layered whispering voices, are chilling and well-integrated with the story's lore about the 1975 events and the house's hunger. However, the rapid escalation from discovery to terror might feel abrupt, potentially reducing the impact of the build-up; a slower progression could allow for more tension, giving the audience time to anticipate the horror and making the payoff more satisfying.
  • Dialogue is minimal and serves the scene well by emphasizing action and atmosphere, but the lack of it might limit character expression. For instance, Riley's whisper could be expanded slightly to include more subtext, connecting it explicitly to the missing girls or Sue, which would reinforce thematic elements without overloading the scene. This could help viewers unfamiliar with the full script better understand the connections.
  • The visual descriptions are evocative and cinematic, with details like the sweating leather book and the newspaper clipping adding tangible horror elements that ground the supernatural in reality. That said, the scene's reliance on Riley being alone might isolate it from the group dynamics established earlier, missing an opportunity to show how her actions affect the other characters or the group's overall peril, which could make the narrative feel more cohesive.
  • The ending, with Riley fleeing and slamming the door, creates a strong cliffhanger that propels the story forward, but it resolves the immediate conflict too quickly, potentially diminishing the lasting impact of the revelation. Integrating more consequences, such as lingering effects from the voices or a hint of pursuit, could sustain the dread and better prepare for subsequent scenes, ensuring the horror lingers in the audience's mind.
Suggestions
  • To enhance pacing, add a few beats of hesitation or sensory details during Riley's exploration, such as her noticing the room's unnatural stillness or hearing faint creaks, to build tension gradually before the supernatural reveal, making the horror more impactful.
  • Deepen Riley's emotional response by incorporating a brief flashback or internal monologue tied to her scar and Ethan encounter, perhaps triggered by the book's content, to strengthen her character arc and make her fear more relatable and personal for the audience.
  • Expand the supernatural elements slightly for originality, such as having the wallpaper's faces whisper fragmented lines from the 1975 ritual or show subtle movements earlier, to heighten anticipation and make the horror feel more unique to the story's mythology.
  • Incorporate subtle dialogue or voice-over to clarify connections, like Riley murmuring questions about Sue or the missing girls upon finding the clipping, which could aid in character development and help viewers piece together the plot without relying solely on action.
  • Improve integration with group dynamics by hinting at the other characters' situations through sound design, such as muffled laughter or screams from downstairs, to remind the audience of the larger threat and maintain narrative momentum across scenes.
  • For a stronger ending, extend the moment after Riley flees by describing residual effects, like the door rattling or voices echoing faintly, to create a smoother transition to the next scene and sustain suspense, ensuring the horror doesn't dissipate too quickly.



Scene 16 -  Whispers in the Dark
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
The house moans under the weight of the storm.
Brooke paces with a half-empty bottle of wine clutched like a
weapon.
Lilly sits on the couch, knees pulled up, blanket cocooned
around her.
The pink phone sits on the table between them, mute,
watching.

BROOKE
We survived finals, frat parties,
and Chelsea’s skincare routine. One
haunted game? Please.
Lilly doesn’t answer. She stares at the black, dead screen of
her phone.
BROOKE (CONT'D)
Come on. Don’t give me that look.
Lilly finally looks up -- her eyes glassy in the candlelight.
LILLY
You ever get that feeling... like --
like the house is listening?
Brooke slumps onto the couch beside her.
BROOKE
I keep hoping Riley and Chelsea
will just... walk in, laughing.
But I don’t think that’s going to
happen.
A heavy beat.
The storm presses in, the silence between them thick.
From the corner, a small battery radio flickers to life --
Static first, then a syrupy old love song.
RADIO (V.O.)
"Every night I hope and pray... a
dream lover will come my way..."
The girls freeze. The melody warbles, slowing, distorting.
The singer’s voice deepens -- almost whispering their names
under the lyrics.
Brooke turns to Lilly --
BROOKE
Did you --?
LILLY
Yeah. I heard it.
The radio POPS.
Dead silence.

Lilly clutches her blanket tighter.
BROOKE
It’s just old wiring. Bad
reception. Whatever.
She takes another drink from the bottle, forcing a smirk.
Then, from upstairs --
A faint, muffled CREAK.
Both girls look up.
The ceiling HUMS faintly, like something breathing inside the
walls.
Brooke sets the bottle down. Her smile fades.
LILLY
That’s not the wind.
They listen --
BREATHING, barely.
Then --
Silence.
The house settles.
Brooke forces a grin that doesn’t reach her eyes.
BROOKE
They’re fine. Riley and Chelsea are
fine.
LILLY
I don’t think any of us are.
The lantern light flickers.
TICK. TICK. TICK.
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery","Supernatural"]

Summary In a stormy night scene, Brooke and Lilly confront their fears in a dimly lit living room. While Brooke tries to reassure Lilly by referencing past experiences, Lilly expresses her anxiety about their missing friends and the unsettling feeling that the house is listening. Their tension escalates when a radio mysteriously plays a distorted love song that whispers their names, followed by eerie sounds from upstairs. Despite Brooke's attempts to rationalize the events, Lilly's fear grows, culminating in a flickering lantern and an ominous ticking sound, leaving them in a state of heightened suspense.
Strengths
  • Building suspense through sound and setting
  • Creating an eerie atmosphere with supernatural elements
  • Maintaining tension and mystery throughout the scene
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful in building tension

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene masterfully creates a chilling and suspenseful ambiance, keeping the audience on edge with supernatural occurrences and character reactions. The use of sound, setting, and dialogue enhances the overall tension and mystery, making it a compelling and engaging scene.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene, focusing on supernatural elements, mystery, and escalating tension, is well-executed. The integration of eerie sounds, character dynamics, and supernatural occurrences contributes to a captivating and immersive narrative.

Plot: 9.1

The plot of the scene is intricately woven with supernatural elements, character interactions, and escalating tension. It advances the overall story arc while introducing new mysteries and conflicts, keeping the audience invested in the unfolding events.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces a familiar setting of a stormy night but adds a fresh twist with the supernatural elements and the characters' reactions. The dialogue feels authentic and reveals layers of the characters' personalities amidst the suspenseful backdrop.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene react authentically to the supernatural events, adding depth and tension to the narrative. Their interactions and responses contribute to the overall atmosphere and help drive the plot forward.

Character Changes: 9

While there are subtle character changes, such as increased fear and unease, the focus is more on maintaining tension and advancing the plot. The characters' reactions and interactions reveal deeper layers of their personalities and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain a sense of control and composure in the face of fear and uncertainty. This reflects her deeper need for security and stability, as well as her fear of losing control in a situation that feels increasingly ominous.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to reassure herself and her friend that everything is normal and safe, despite the unsettling events happening around them. This reflects the immediate challenge of confronting the unknown and maintaining a facade of confidence.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.9

The scene maintains a high level of conflict through supernatural elements, character dynamics, and escalating tension. The internal and external conflicts drive the narrative forward and keep the audience engaged in the unfolding mysteries.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing mysterious and unsettling events that challenge their beliefs and sense of security. The audience is kept on edge by the uncertainty of the situation.

High Stakes: 9

The scene raises the stakes through supernatural occurrences, escalating tension, and character vulnerabilities. The characters' safety, sanity, and relationships are put at risk, adding urgency and suspense to the unfolding events.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new mysteries, escalating tension, and deepening the supernatural elements. It sets up future conflicts and revelations while keeping the audience engaged in the unfolding narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces eerie elements and unexplained phenomena that leave the audience uncertain about what will happen next. The subtle hints of supernatural occurrences add an element of surprise.

Philosophical Conflict: 8.5

The philosophical conflict revolves around the characters' beliefs in rational explanations versus supernatural possibilities. This challenges the protagonist's worldview of relying on logic and reason in the face of unexplainable events.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.2

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and curiosity in the audience, creating a strong emotional impact. The eerie atmosphere, supernatural elements, and character reactions elicit a range of emotions, keeping viewers on edge and invested in the story.

Dialogue: 8.8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys tension, unease, and character dynamics. It enhances the atmosphere and builds suspense through subtle interactions and reactions, adding depth to the unfolding events.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it creates a sense of mystery and suspense that keeps the audience invested in the characters' fates. The dialogue and pacing maintain tension and intrigue throughout.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by gradually building tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment with a lingering sense of unease. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a suspenseful scene, utilizing concise descriptions and clear character actions. The scene's layout enhances readability and visual storytelling.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-paced structure that builds tension gradually, leading to a climactic moment. The formatting effectively conveys the setting and character interactions, enhancing the scene's impact.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds suspense through subtle supernatural elements, such as the radio mysteriously turning on and distorting to whisper the characters' names, which ties into the overall horror theme of the script. However, this reliance on common tropes like unexplained noises and self-activating objects might feel clichéd to audiences familiar with the genre, potentially reducing the originality and impact. It serves well to heighten the isolation and dread felt by Brooke and Lilly, mirroring the escalating terror from previous scenes, but it could benefit from more unique twists to differentiate it from standard haunted house sequences.
  • Character development is handled competently, with Brooke's dismissive attitude and forced bravado contrasting Lilly's quiet fear, creating interpersonal tension that enhances the emotional stakes. This dynamic helps the reader understand their coping mechanisms under stress, drawing from earlier scenes where Brooke shows sarcasm and Lilly exhibits sensitivity. That said, the portrayal risks being one-dimensional; Brooke's denial and Lilly's anxiety are consistent but lack deeper exploration, such as how these traits connect to their backstories or the group's dynamics, which could make their reactions more relatable and less predictable.
  • Dialogue is naturalistic and reveals character emotions effectively, with lines like Brooke's 'We survived finals, frat parties, and Chelsea’s skincare routine. One haunted game? Please.' providing levity that underscores her denial. This helps build empathy and tension, but it occasionally feels expository or on-the-nose, such as when Lilly directly asks if the house is listening, which might telegraph the horror too explicitly. A more subtle approach could immerse the audience better by implying unease through subtext or indirect references to the supernatural events unfolding.
  • The use of audio and visual cues, like the radio's distortion, creaking sounds, and flickering lantern, is strong in creating an ominous atmosphere, effectively using the storm outside to amplify the sense of entrapment. However, the visual descriptions are somewhat sparse, focusing heavily on sound, which might limit the cinematic potential. For instance, the 'mute, watching' pink phone is a great ominous prop, but more detailed imagery of the room's decay or the characters' physical reactions could enhance the scene's intensity and make it more vivid for readers or viewers.
  • Overall, the scene maintains the script's tone of creeping dread and fits well into the narrative arc, serving as a transitional moment that builds toward more intense confrontations. It advances the plot by emphasizing the characters' growing isolation and fear without resolving conflicts, which is appropriate for a horror screenplay. Nonetheless, it could be more integrated with the broader mystery, such as referencing the 'Dream Boy' game or clues from earlier scenes, to avoid feeling like a standalone tension-builder and instead contribute more directly to the unfolding story.
Suggestions
  • Enhance sensory details to make the scene more immersive; for example, add descriptions of the cold draft seeping through the walls or the way shadows dance in the lantern light to heighten the claustrophobic atmosphere and engage the audience's senses beyond sound.
  • Refine dialogue to include more subtext and personal revelations; have Brooke's denial stem from a specific fear or past experience mentioned subtly, and let Lilly's unease build through hesitant pauses or indirect questions, making their interactions feel more authentic and layered.
  • Vary the pacing by incorporating small, physical actions or internal thoughts; for instance, have Brooke fidget with the wine bottle or Lilly glance nervously at the phone more frequently to prevent the scene from feeling static and to maintain a steady build of tension.
  • Strengthen ties to the larger plot by including subtle callbacks to previous discoveries, such as mentioning the scratched-out photos or the game's rules, to remind the audience of the ongoing mystery and make the supernatural events feel more connected and purposeful.
  • Experiment with unique horror elements to avoid clichés; instead of a generic radio distortion, consider having the love song lyrics morph into personalized threats based on the characters' secrets, adding originality and deepening the psychological horror aspect.



Scene 17 -  Haunted Hallway: The Struggle Within
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT
The storm outside claws at the frosted windows.
Riley creeps forward, her lantern trembling in her grip.
Shadows swing wildly across the peeling wallpaper --

It pulses, faintly, like a vein.
Each footstep throbs in the silence.
She leans against the wall -- jerks back.
The floral pattern is gone.
The wallpaper is HAIR --
Woven, pressed flat, rippling like it’s underwater.
RILEY
(hoarse whisper)
Name it. Claim it.
She touches her scarred throat, grounding herself.
The wallpaper BULGES outward, inhaling like a lung.
Strands snake free, dangling down like vines in a cave.
The air stinks -- sweet rot and burned keratin.
The wallpaper SPLITS --
Hair ERUPTS -- long, wet, slithering.
Twitching. Tasting. Searching.
One brushes her cheek. Riley recoils, swatting it.
RILEY (CONT'D)
Terror.
Another strand slides across her throat like a razor.
She slaps it down --
It writhes on the floor, twitching like a worm.
Suddenly, DOZENS erupt at once, flooding the hallway.
They lash around her -- caressing, choking.
One pries between her lips -- forces itself down her throat.
Riley gags, thrashing. Her eyes bulge.
Her lighter SHAKES in her hand.
She fumbles -- flicks it alive -- thrusts it into a strand.
SSSHRIEEEEK.

The strand recoils, igniting.
The stench of burning hair chokes the air.
The wall writhes.
Beneath the burning strands --
FACES.
Dozens. Pale, pressed flat. Mouths frozen open in eternal
screams. Eyes wide and wet, tracking Riley.
RILEY (CONT'D)
Intrusion.
The faces SCREAM in unison.
Their mouths gape wider, impossibly wide, black throats
spilling sound like static.
The strands lash again, faster.
One pins her arm to the wall.
Another slides into her ear canal --
SUE (V.O.)
(cruel whisper)
A good house keeps its traditions.
Riley squeezes her eyes shut. Inhales -- in four. Hold. Out
six.
She slams the lighter flame into the wall --
The faces SHRIEK. Hair writhes, coiling back.
The wallpaper peels. Crumbles. Curls back like burning
parchment.
The screams overlap -- then implode into silence.
The hallway convulses -- jerking, reshaping.
Doors SLAM shut one by one, like rolling thunder down the
corridor.
Then --
Stillness.
Riley staggers forward, soaked in sweat, clutching her
lighter like a weapon.

Behind her --
The wallpaper re-knits -- strands weaving like flesh healing.
From within the fibers, Sue’s LAUGHTER seeps out. Low. Cruel.
Maternal.
Then --
RING.
The sound shudders through the vents, shaking loose a drift
of dust.
Riley bolts down the hallway, lantern shaking in her grip --
Stops.
At the window, she peers out into the storm --
Through the white blur --
Dozens of SNOWMEN stand in the yard -- dark silhouettes
staring back through the blizzard.
The phone WAILS again.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Thriller"]

Summary In a terrifying scene set in a stormy upstairs hallway, Riley confronts a supernatural threat as the wallpaper transforms into hair-like strands that attack her. Grounding herself with the mantra 'Name it. Claim it,' she fights back by burning the strands, revealing trapped, screaming faces within the wallpaper. Despite her efforts, the wallpaper regenerates, and Sue's taunting voice adds to her psychological torment. The scene culminates with Riley spotting ominous snowmen outside as a phone rings, heightening the sense of dread.
Strengths
  • Atmospheric descriptions
  • Supernatural elements
  • Tension-building
  • Eerie imagery
  • Character reactions
Weaknesses
  • Possible need for clearer character motivations
  • Some elements may require further development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through its atmospheric descriptions, supernatural elements, and eerie occurrences. The use of sensory details and vivid imagery enhances the overall impact, creating a sense of dread and mystery.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of blending horror with supernatural elements in a sorority house setting is intriguing and well-executed. The scene effectively explores themes of fear, mystery, and the unknown, keeping the audience engaged.

Plot: 9.2

The plot of the scene is gripping, with a focus on uncovering dark secrets, encountering supernatural phenomena, and facing escalating threats. The progression of events maintains tension and drives the narrative forward effectively.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality with its fresh approach to horror elements, such as the living hair on the walls and the faces within the wallpaper. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.8

The characters' reactions to the supernatural events and their individual traits add depth to the scene. Their interactions and responses contribute to the overall atmosphere of fear and suspense.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo emotional changes as they confront supernatural phenomena and face their fears. These experiences lead to shifts in their perceptions and behaviors, adding depth to their development.

Internal Goal: 9

Riley's internal goal in this scene is to confront and overcome her fear and terror. This reflects her deeper need for courage and resilience in the face of the unknown and terrifying.

External Goal: 8

Riley's external goal is to survive the supernatural threat in the hallway and escape the terrifying situation she finds herself in. This goal reflects the immediate challenge she is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, including supernatural threats, character fears, and the mystery surrounding the sorority house. These conflicts heighten the tension and keep the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the supernatural threat posing a significant challenge to the protagonist and keeping the audience uncertain about the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes in the scene are evident through the characters' encounters with supernatural entities, the escalating threats, and the sense of impending danger. The risks and consequences raise the tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly advances the story by revealing crucial information, escalating the supernatural elements, and deepening the mystery. It propels the narrative forward and sets the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected supernatural elements and the escalating tension that keeps the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of fear, intrusion, and tradition. Riley's beliefs and values are challenged by the supernatural forces she encounters, which test her courage and resilience.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, dread, and suspense, immersing the audience in the characters' terrifying experiences. The supernatural elements and eerie atmosphere enhance the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue enhances the scene by revealing character dynamics, building tension, and conveying emotions. It effectively conveys the characters' fear and unease in the face of the supernatural occurrences.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and suspenseful atmosphere, the supernatural elements that keep the audience on edge, and the protagonist's struggle against terrifying odds.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of events leading to a climactic confrontation and resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a horror genre screenplay, effectively conveying the visual and atmospheric elements of the setting.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, following a coherent progression from eerie setup to intense confrontation and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively escalates tension through vivid, grotesque imagery, such as the wallpaper transforming into hair and erupting strands, which immerses the audience in a visceral horror experience. This ties well into the overall theme of the screenplay, where the house is a living entity with a dark history, and it reinforces Riley's personal trauma by having her use her breathing exercises and touch her scar, showing character consistency and growth. However, the rapid succession of supernatural elements—hair attack, screaming faces, voice-over, and the healing wallpaper—might overwhelm the audience, potentially diluting the impact of each horror beat by not allowing enough time for emotional processing or visual clarity.
  • Riley's isolation and vulnerability are portrayed compellingly, highlighting her determination despite fear, which builds empathy and suspense. The use of sensory details like the smell of sweet rot and burned keratin adds a layer of realism to the horror, making it more engaging. That said, the scene could benefit from better integration with the preceding scenes; for instance, the phone ringing at the end feels like a recurring motif, but its connection to the events in Scene 16 (where Brooke and Lilly experience dread) isn't explicitly reinforced, which might make the transition feel somewhat abrupt and lessen the cumulative dread.
  • The dialogue, limited to Riley's whispers and Sue's voice-over, serves to ground the scene in her psychological state and advance the supernatural narrative. Riley's mantra 'Name it. Claim it' is a strong character tic that echoes her coping mechanisms from earlier scenes, providing continuity. However, the voice-over from Sue feels somewhat on-the-nose and generic, as it directly states 'A good house keeps its traditions' without adding new layers to the mystery; this could come across as expository rather than organic, potentially reducing the subtlety of the horror.
  • Visually, the scene is rich with dynamic elements like the bulging wallpaper, erupting hair, and the final reveal of snowmen outside, which creates a claustrophobic and escalating threat. This aligns with the screenplay's tone of supernatural dread, but the overuse of similar motifs (e.g., bulging walls and screaming faces) across multiple scenes might lead to repetition fatigue, making this encounter feel less unique compared to earlier horrors like the mirror in Scene 11. Additionally, the ending with the snowmen and phone ring is a solid hook, but it could be more impactful if it directly ties back to Riley's immediate goal of finding Chelsea, strengthening the narrative drive.
  • The pacing is intense and fast-paced, which suits the horror genre by maintaining high adrenaline, but it risks sacrificing depth in Riley's reactions. For example, her shift from terror to action (using the lighter) is quick, but more internal beats could show her thought process, making her decisions feel more earned and less reactive. Overall, while the scene successfully heightens fear and advances the plot toward the attic confrontation, it could refine its focus to avoid overloading the audience with too many simultaneous horrors, ensuring each element contributes distinctly to the story's progression.
Suggestions
  • To improve pacing, add brief pauses or micro-beats after key horror moments, such as after Riley burns the strand, to allow the audience to absorb the terror and build anticipation for the next escalation, preventing the scene from feeling rushed.
  • Enhance character depth by expanding Riley's internal monologue or adding subtle physical actions that reflect her trauma, such as a flashback cut to her scar's origin during the hair attack, to deepen emotional resonance and connect more strongly to her arc from Scene 1.
  • Vary the supernatural elements to maintain freshness; for instance, replace or modify the voice-over with visual cues, like shadows forming Sue's silhouette on the wall, to show rather than tell, making the horror more immersive and less reliant on dialogue.
  • Strengthen the scene's integration with the story by including a subtle reference to Chelsea's absence, such as Riley whispering her name or hearing a faint echo, to remind the audience of her motivation and create a smoother narrative flow into the next scene.
  • For the ending, amplify the cliffhanger by having the phone ring coincide with a snowman's movement outside, or have Riley recognize a connection to the 'Dream Boy' game, to heighten foreshadowing and ensure the scene ends with a clear hook that propels the story forward.



Scene 18 -  The Awakening of the Snowmen
EXT. SORORITY HOUSE - NIGHT
Snow slashes sideways in manic spirals.
Through the swirling white --
Dozens of SNOWMEN stand in a wide circle around the sorority
house. Twisted. Deformed.
The storm drops for a beat --
A vacuum silence.
Then --
CRRRRACK!
A SNOWMAN’S head pivots on its lumpy body -- its coal eyes
glow faintly yellow.
A deep, guttural GROWL rumbles from the hollow of its chest --
low, animal, inhuman.
The others begin to shift --
POP. POP. POP.

The heads of the SNOWMEN snap toward the house in unison.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Thriller"]

Summary In a fierce snowstorm outside a sorority house, a circle of twisted snowmen comes to life, their coal eyes glowing ominously. As the storm momentarily quiets, a deep growl emanates from one snowman, prompting the others to shift and turn their heads in a synchronized, threatening manner. The scene builds suspense and horror as the snowmen display their supernatural menace, culminating in a chilling moment where they all snap their heads toward the house in unison.
Strengths
  • Effective use of supernatural elements
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Creating a chilling atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Potential for clichéd horror tropes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through the supernatural manifestation of the snowmen, creating a strong sense of dread and unease. The execution of the horror elements is well done, keeping the audience engaged and on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of snowmen coming to life in a supernatural and menacing manner is intriguing and adds a unique twist to the horror genre.

Plot: 9

The plot progression in this scene is focused on escalating the supernatural elements and increasing the level of fear and tension. The introduction of the snowmen adds a new layer of conflict and mystery.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and original concept of animated snowmen in a supernatural setting. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and contribute to the eerie atmosphere.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

While the focus is more on the supernatural elements than on character development in this scene, the characters' reactions to the snowmen and the escalating tension contribute to the overall atmosphere.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters' reactions to the supernatural threat reveal aspects of their personalities and fears.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is likely survival or understanding the supernatural events unfolding. This reflects their deeper need for safety and control in a situation that is rapidly escalating beyond their understanding.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to figure out the origin and purpose of the animated snowmen. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a potentially dangerous and unknown threat.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high due to the menacing presence of the snowmen and the escalating sense of danger and fear.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the animated snowmen presenting a formidable and mysterious challenge that adds complexity to the protagonist's goals.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes in the scene are evident through the menacing presence of the snowmen and the characters' increasing sense of danger and entrapment.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new supernatural element and increasing the level of danger and suspense for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden and unexpected animation of the snowmen, creating a sense of mystery and danger.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene could be the clash between the natural world and the supernatural or between human understanding and the unknown. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about reality and forces them to confront the limits of their knowledge.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional impact through its suspenseful and eerie atmosphere, keeping the audience on edge and engaged.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' fear and unease in the face of the supernatural threat. It adds to the suspense and helps build the atmosphere.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its unique premise, vivid descriptions, and escalating tension that keeps the audience on edge.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing effectively builds tension and suspense, with well-timed pauses and action sequences that keep the scene dynamic and engaging.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting effectively conveys the visual and auditory elements of the scene, enhancing the reader's immersion in the eerie atmosphere.

Structure: 8

The structure follows a suspenseful buildup with a clear escalation of tension and action. It maintains the expected format for a supernatural thriller genre.


Critique
  • This scene effectively builds suspense and dread by extending the supernatural horror established in the previous scene, where Riley first notices the snowmen. The use of sound effects like 'CRRRRACK' and 'POP. POP. POP.' is particularly strong, as it leverages auditory elements to create a visceral, immediate threat, which is a hallmark of good horror screenwriting. The description of the snowmen's movements—heads pivoting, eyes glowing yellow, and a guttural growl—amplifies the uncanny valley effect, making everyday objects menacing and tying into the film's theme of distorted reality and stalking, as seen in Riley's backstory with Ethan. However, the scene feels somewhat detached because it lacks any direct character perspective or reaction; since it immediately follows Riley looking out the window in Scene 17, this could be an opportunity to maintain continuity and emotional investment by including a cut back to her, making the horror more personal and less like a standalone visual set piece. Additionally, while the imagery of animated snowmen is creepy, it risks feeling clichéd in the horror genre, and without stronger ties to the overarching plot elements like the 'Dream Boy' game or Sue's influence, it might not fully contribute to the narrative depth, potentially making it seem like filler rather than essential escalation. The brevity of the scene is a double-edged sword: it keeps the pace brisk, which is beneficial for maintaining tension in a horror sequence, but it could benefit from more sensory details to immerse the audience further, such as how the storm's pause creates a 'vacuum silence' that heightens anticipation. Overall, while it successfully escalates the external threat and foreshadows greater danger, it could be more integrated with the internal character arcs and supernatural rules established earlier in the script to avoid repetition and enhance thematic coherence.
  • The visual and auditory design in this scene is commendable for its simplicity and effectiveness in conveying menace without overcomplicating the action. The manic spirals of snow and the coordinated movements of the snowmen create a sense of unity among the threats, mirroring the collective horror elements like the whispering voices or the game entities in other scenes. This reinforces the idea of the house and its surroundings as a cohesive, malevolent entity. However, the scene's reliance on description without dialogue or character interaction might make it challenging for viewers to connect emotionally, as horror often thrives on subjective experiences. In the context of the entire script, this scene serves as a strong visual callback to earlier moments, such as the snowmen in Scene 9 and the staring figures in Scene 17, but it could explore more original twists to avoid redundancy— for instance, by linking the snowmen's animation directly to Riley's fears or the 'Feed us' chant from Scene 15. The tone remains consistently ominous, which is good for building atmosphere, but it might benefit from subtle variations to prevent the audience from becoming desensitized to the escalating threats. Finally, as Scene 18 is relatively short and positioned midway through the script, it acts as a pivotal moment to heighten stakes, but ensuring it doesn't overshadow more character-driven scenes is crucial for balanced storytelling.
  • One of the scene's strengths is its economical use of language to evoke fear, with phrases like 'twisted and deformed' and 'guttural growl' painting a vivid picture that can translate well to film. This brevity aligns with screenwriting best practices, focusing on action and sensory details rather than exposition. However, the scene could improve by better foreshadowing future events; for example, the yellow-glowing eyes could be connected more explicitly to the 'Dream Boys' or Ethan's manifestations, making the snowmen feel like an extension of the personal horrors Riley faces rather than a generic threat. In terms of critique for the writer, this scene demonstrates good control of pacing within a horror sequence, but it might lack innovation if compared to similar tropes in other films, such as animated mannequins or statues. To help the reader understand, this scene effectively uses the environment to externalize internal conflict, symbolizing Riley's encroaching paranoia and the house's hunger, but it could deepen this symbolism by incorporating elements from Riley's coping mechanisms, like her breathing exercises, to show how the external world mirrors her psychological state. Overall, while it advances the plot by intensifying the siege-like atmosphere, refining the connections to character backstories would make it more impactful and less reliant on visual shock alone.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate a quick cut back to Riley's reaction inside the house to maintain emotional continuity and make the horror more immediate and personal, such as showing her face pressed against the window or her hands trembling as she witnesses the snowmen's movements.
  • Strengthen the thematic ties by adding subtle references to the 'Dream Boy' game or Sue's influence, for example, having one snowman's growl mimic a voice from the phone calls or incorporating a visual callback to the sigils from Scene 15 to make the snowmen feel like part of the larger supernatural web.
  • Expand the description slightly to add unique details that avoid clichés, such as describing the snowmen's deformations in ways that echo specific character fears (e.g., one snowman having a 'scarred throat' like Riley's) or varying the sounds to include more layered audio, like whispers mixed with the growls, to heighten the eerie atmosphere without lengthening the scene excessively.
  • Consider adjusting the pacing by either slowing down the actions with more buildup or integrating it more seamlessly with the next scene to ensure it doesn't feel abrupt; for instance, end with a sound bridge to the phone ringing in Scene 19 to create a smoother transition.
  • To enhance originality, suggest evolving the snowmen beyond static threats by hinting at their ability to move closer or interact with the environment in a way that foreshadows their invasion in later scenes, making this moment a stronger setup for the climax.



Scene 19 -  The Haunting Call
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Riley bursts in, her breath sharp -- Sue’s black book tucked
under her arm.
Lilly clutches the pink phone to her ear like a talisman.
Her hands shake.
LILLY
(whisper)
Hello?
Static. Nothing.
LILLY (CONT'D)
Hello?...
A soft, syrupy male voice blooms in the tiny room, velvet and
too intimate.
ZANE (V.O.)
Lilly, at last.
Lilly freezes.
LILLY
Zane?
ZANE (V.O.)
I’ve been watching you, Lilly.
They all look right through you.
But I see you. I've always seen
you.
The lanterns flicker. The whole room tightens.
LILLY
Stop. You don’t know me.
ZANE (V.O.)
Wouldn’t you like to be
unforgettable?
On the coffee table, the game board shudders.
RILEY
(to Lilly)
Don’t answer. Don’t give it
anything.

Lilly rocks back, fingers clenching the receiver.
LILLY
(whisper)
Please... just -- go away.
ZANE (V.O.)
I can make them look. I can make
them see you.
The receiver hums.
A tiny vibration crawls up Lilly’s palm like an insect.
Suddenly, the cradle on the phone BUBBLES.
The plastic surface ripples like water -- a soft, wet
slurping sound.
RILEY
What the -- ?
The lacquered surface of the receiver bulges, then SPLITS --
A slick and impossibly HUMAN HAND pushes out --
The fingers are too perfect, nails manicured, but the skin
has an unnatural translucence.
Lilly stares, repulsed.
ZANE (V.O.)
Here I am.
The hand flexes, reaching.
Riley lunges to grab the pink phone -- too late.
The hand wraps around Lilly’s face, cupping her cheeks with
impossible warmth.
Lilly’s mouth opens in a soundless cry as the palm presses
against her lips, pushing, urging.
LILLY
Riley -- !
Riley rips at the receiver --
The hand won’t let go.
Its grip -- ice-cold. Sticky. Impossible.
The phone’s hum deepens into a subterranean THROB.

Lilly’s head tilts forward -- nearly nose-first toward the
handset as if drawn by a magnet.
RILEY
Name it. Own it. It’s not real.
The hand jerks, surprised.
Lilly chokes. Pulls the hand free.
LILLY
(gasping)
It's not real.
For a heartbeat, it trembles.
The fingers lose their easy intimacy and clamp tighter in
panic.
SUE (V.O.)
Finish the game.
Riley grabs a wine glass -- smashes it against the coffee
table with a single, sharp strike.
The sudden CRASH throws the room into fractured sound.
Riley grabs a large glass shard -- slices the hand deeply.
The hand recoils.
Blackish fluid beads emerge from the wound.
Riley tears the phone from Lilly's hand --
The hand snaps back with a wet POP --
Vanishes into the phone with an awful suction noise.
Riley drops the phone.
It hits the ground. Pulses. Angry.
BROOKE
Game over. I say we burn it.
RILEY
What if that doesn’t work?
LILLY
Brooke’s right. We need to destroy
it.

Riley looks between them. On the table, the game box seems to
pulse, patient and hungry.
The carved initials in the underside glisten darker than
before: "S.W. 1975."
RILEY
If we do this, we do it fast.
Together.
BROOKE
Then let’s burn the motherfucker.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense nighttime living room scene, Riley confronts a supernatural threat as Lilly receives disturbing calls from Zane, who attempts to manipulate her. As a ghostly hand emerges from the phone, Riley intervenes, cutting the hand and forcing it to retreat. The group, shaken by the encounter, decides to destroy the ominous game that has caused the chaos, agreeing to burn it together.
Strengths
  • Effective use of supernatural elements
  • Building tension and fear
  • Strong character reactions
  • High emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Possible need for more character development
  • Dialogue could be further refined for impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through the supernatural phone call, the physical manifestation from the phone, and the characters' reactions. The execution of the horror elements is strong, creating a sense of dread and escalating the stakes.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a haunted phone call and the physical manifestation from the phone is unique and well-executed. It adds a layer of supernatural horror to the scene and drives the tension and fear forward.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around the escalating supernatural events triggered by the phone call, leading to a climactic moment of horror and tension. It effectively advances the overall story and adds depth to the supernatural elements.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on supernatural horror by combining elements of psychological thriller and mystery. The emergence of the hand from the phone and the characters' reactions feel authentic and unsettling, adding to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' reactions to the supernatural events are well-portrayed, adding depth and emotion to the scene. Their fear and desperation enhance the tension and horror of the moment.

Character Changes: 9

The characters experience a shift in their emotions and perceptions due to the supernatural events, deepening their fear and desperation. This change adds complexity to their personalities and drives the scene forward.

Internal Goal: 9

Lilly's internal goal is to resist the manipulative and invasive presence of Zane, who claims to see her when others don't. This reflects Lilly's need for autonomy, identity, and the fear of being exposed or controlled.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to deal with the supernatural threat posed by Zane and the mysterious hand that emerges from the phone. This reflects the immediate challenge of confronting a malevolent force.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing a supernatural threat that escalates tension and fear. The conflict drives the narrative forward and adds depth to the horror elements.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the characters face a malevolent force that challenges their beliefs and safety. The uncertainty of how to deal with the supernatural threat adds complexity and suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing a supernatural threat that puts their lives and sanity at risk. The escalating tension and fear raise the stakes and create a sense of imminent danger.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing and developing the supernatural elements, escalating the tension, and setting the stage for further horror and suspense. It adds depth to the overall narrative and advances the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected emergence of the supernatural hand, the cryptic dialogue, and the characters' uncertain reactions. The element of surprise adds to the scene's tension and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of visibility, control, and identity. Zane's offer to make Lilly 'unforgettable' challenges her sense of self-worth and agency, contrasting with her desire to remain unseen and independent.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.2

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, dread, and repulsion in the audience. The supernatural elements and the characters' reactions intensify the emotional response and create a memorable and chilling atmosphere.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' fear and desperation in response to the supernatural phone call. It adds to the tension and horror of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its gripping suspense, eerie atmosphere, and the escalating supernatural elements that keep the audience on edge. The characters' reactions and the unfolding mystery captivate the viewer.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with well-timed reveals and character interactions that maintain a sense of urgency and intrigue. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the conventions of the screenplay format, making the scene easy to follow and visually engaging. It effectively conveys the pacing and tone of the narrative.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured progression of escalating tension and reveals, effectively building suspense and maintaining the audience's engagement. The formatting aligns with the genre's expectations, enhancing the scene's impact.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds suspense and horror through escalating supernatural elements, such as the hand emerging from the phone and the game board shuddering, which ties into the overall theme of the script's haunted house and cursed game. This creates a visceral, immersive experience for the reader, heightening the sense of dread and making the characters' fear palpable. However, the rapid escalation might overwhelm the audience, as the transition from Zane's voice to the physical manifestation of the hand happens quickly, potentially reducing the impact of each horror beat by not allowing enough time for buildup or character reflection. Additionally, while Riley's intervention demonstrates her resourcefulness and growth from her traumatic backstory, the scene could better integrate her psychological coping mechanisms (like 'Name it. Claim it') to show deeper character development, making her actions feel more earned and less reactive. Brooke's sudden appearance in the dialogue without a clear entrance or setup feels disjointed, disrupting the flow and continuity from the previous scenes where she was in a different location, which could confuse readers and weaken the scene's cohesion. The dialogue, while functional for advancing the plot, lacks subtlety in places; for instance, Zane's lines are overtly manipulative but could be more personalized to Lilly's insecurities to increase emotional stakes and make the horror more intimate. Finally, the decision to burn the game at the end provides a strong narrative pivot, but it resolves the immediate conflict too abruptly, missing an opportunity to explore the characters' doubts or the potential consequences, which might make the scene feel like a setup for failure rather than a meaningful progression.
  • From a reader's perspective, this scene serves as a pivotal moment that escalates the supernatural threats and unites the characters against a common enemy, reinforcing the script's central conflict of the house's malevolent influence. The use of sensory details, like the bubbling phone and the hand's sticky grip, is excellent for evoking disgust and fear, aligning with the horror genre's strengths. However, the scene could improve in balancing action with character interaction; for example, Lilly's vulnerability is highlighted, but her relationship with the other characters isn't deeply explored here, making her plea for help feel somewhat isolated. This might stem from the script's focus on Riley as the protagonist, but it could alienate readers from fully investing in the ensemble. The tone maintains the suspenseful atmosphere established in prior scenes, but the introduction of Brooke's voice without visual confirmation might break immersion, as it assumes the audience remembers her from scene 16 without reinforcing her presence. Overall, while the scene advances the plot effectively by leading to the decision to destroy the game, it could benefit from tighter editing to ensure that each element contributes to both immediate tension and long-term character arcs, helping the writer craft a more cohesive narrative.
  • In terms of screenplay technique, the scene adheres well to visual and auditory storytelling, with strong use of sound effects (e.g., the phone's hum and the crash of the wine glass) and action descriptions that paint a clear picture. This is particularly effective in horror, where showing rather than telling is key. However, the dialogue occasionally feels expository, such as when characters explicitly state their intentions (e.g., 'Don’t answer. Don’t give it anything'), which can come across as heavy-handed and reduce the subtlety of the horror. The critique also extends to the scene's pacing within the larger script; as scene 19 out of 39, it occurs at a midpoint where tension should be building, but the quick resolution to flee the supernatural event might not fully capitalize on the cumulative dread from scenes 15-18, such as the snowmen threat or Riley's hallway struggle. This could make the scene feel somewhat disconnected, as it shifts focus back to the living room without acknowledging the external dangers, potentially diluting the overall suspense. To help the writer improve, focusing on integrating these elements more seamlessly would enhance the scene's role in the story, ensuring that it not only scares but also deepens the audience's understanding of the characters' psyches and the escalating horrors.
Suggestions
  • Slow down the supernatural escalation by adding a beat or two for character reactions, such as having Lilly describe her fear or Riley hesitate before intervening, to build more tension and make the horror elements more impactful.
  • Clarify Brooke's entrance by including a brief action line describing her joining the room, perhaps referencing her state from the previous scene, to improve continuity and avoid confusing the reader.
  • Refine the dialogue to be more character-specific; for example, make Zane's taunts reference Lilly's earlier vulnerabilities (like her feelings of invisibility from scene 4) to heighten emotional stakes and personalize the threat.
  • Incorporate elements from the black book Riley carries, such as a quick reference to the 'Feed us' chant from scene 15, to better connect the supernatural events and reinforce the house's lore without overloading the scene.
  • Extend the ending decision to burn the game with a moment of doubt or discussion among the characters, allowing for more character development and foreshadowing the potential failure, to make the resolution feel less abrupt and more narratively satisfying.



Scene 20 -  The Unyielding Game
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Brooke staggers forward, clutching the black lacquered game
box.
Riley and Lilly stand right behind her.
Brooke hurls the box into the roaring fireplace --
BROOKE
Burn.
The lacquered wood box curls in the fire. Flames leap.
The pink phone sizzles, its plastic dripping into a glossy
puddle.
The fire ROARS higher, unnaturally bright.
Blue and white tongues crackle like screams.
LILLY
It’s working.
They lean in -- breathless -- the glow dancing across their
faces.
RILEY
Don’t look away.
They don’t. They can’t.
Spellbound, they watch as the box warps and crumbles.
Then --
A low HUM.
Deep. Inhuman -- vibrating the air.

The girls whirl around --
On the coffee table --
The Dream Boy box. Pristine. Untouched.
The pink phone sits neatly in its cradle, pulsing faintly --
like a heartbeat.
Behind them --
The fireplace -- empty. Flames gone. Cold ashes swirl in the
grate.
LILLY
No. No... how is this happening?
Her eyes brim with tears.
She takes a stumbling step back, bumping into the coffee
table.
The rule card trembles on the board.
Ink spreads across it like veins, letters burning themselves
into --
“CHEATING DEMANDS SACRIFICE.”
The words drip blood, soaking into the board.
BROOKE
So that’s it, huh? It’s rigged --
we can’t quit.
RILEY
Every system has a weakness.
This one runs on fear. That’s its
fuel.
BROOKE
Yeah? And what if fear’s all we’ve
got left? You think you're gonna
outsmart this thing?
RILEY
No.
Riley holds up Sue’s black leather book.
RILEY (CONT'D)
But this might.
She flips it open --

Pages crawl with sigils that shift under the lantern light --
like living things.
The ink drips fresh, like the entry was just written.
RILEY (CONT'D)
(whispers)
“Nineteen twenty-five. First
offering...”
The floorboards GROAN.
The walls shudder.
Brooke backs away from the table, wine glass wobbling in her
grip.
The wallpaper BULGES, swelling like lungs inhaling.
MATCH CUT TO:
INT. ATTIC - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
The bulging wallpaper becomes velvet wallpaper under
gaslight.
Four women sit around a mahogany table.
At the head --
SUE (20s), radiant in black silk and pearls, eyes sharp.
On the table --
A black rotary phone and spirit board carved with strange
sigils.
SUE
Tonight. We call our boys home.
The women clasp hands.
EDITH (20s), quivering, lifts the receiver.
END FLASHBACK
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (BACK TO PRESENT)
The pink phone hums low -- vibrates the table.
Brooke flinches. Lilly hugs herself tight.

RILEY
(whispers)
It’s like it remembers.
INT. ATTIC - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
The receiver hums in Edith’s hand. Low. Wet.
The planchette trembles, scrapes --
H-E-L-L-O.
EDITH
Joseph. It’s him.
The women sob in relief.
END FLASHBACK
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS (BACK TO PRESENT)
Riley flips another brittle page --
The ink twists into a drawing of the rotary phone, wrapped in
strands of human hair.
She shudders.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense night scene, Brooke, Riley, and Lilly confront a supernatural game box that refuses to be destroyed, as Brooke attempts to burn it only for it to reappear untouched. The atmosphere thickens with dread when a rule card ominously changes to 'CHEATING DEMANDS SACRIFICE.' As fear escalates, Riley references a mysterious book, revealing a historical connection to a 1925 event involving spirit communication. The scene culminates in a chilling moment when Riley discovers a disturbing drawing of a rotary phone wrapped in human hair, heightening their sense of inescapable doom.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Intriguing supernatural elements
  • Compelling mystery setup
  • Strong emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Character development could be further explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery, introducing supernatural elements and escalating the stakes. The combination of horror and mystery elements keeps the audience engaged and intrigued, setting up a compelling narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 9.5

The concept of a cursed game tied to a dark ritual and a haunting past is compelling and sets up a rich supernatural mystery. The scene effectively introduces these elements and hints at a malevolent force at play, creating a sense of foreboding and intrigue.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is engaging and well-developed, introducing key elements of the supernatural mystery and escalating the stakes. The discovery of the cursed game and the revelations about the haunting past drive the narrative forward, setting up a compelling storyline.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the supernatural thriller genre by combining elements of modern technology with ancient rituals, creating a unique and unsettling premise. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.8

The characters in the scene react realistically to the supernatural events unfolding around them, adding depth to the narrative. Their interactions and responses to the escalating tension help to build suspense and intrigue, enhancing the overall atmosphere of the scene.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo subtle changes in the scene, reacting to the supernatural events and revelations unfolding around them. Their fears, suspicions, and interactions with each other contribute to their development, adding depth to the narrative.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to confront their fears and find a way to overcome the mysterious forces at play. This reflects their deeper need for control and safety in the face of the unknown.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to understand the rules of the game they are trapped in and find a way to break free from its grip. This goal reflects the immediate challenge they are facing within the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.2

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as the characters grapple with supernatural forces and dark revelations. The escalating tension and sense of danger create a high level of conflict, driving the narrative forward and keeping the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing mysterious and seemingly unbeatable forces that challenge their beliefs and abilities. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the tension.

High Stakes: 9

The scene establishes high stakes through the discovery of the cursed game, the haunting past, and the escalating supernatural events. The characters are faced with a malevolent force and must confront their fears and suspicions, adding tension and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 10

The scene effectively moves the story forward, introducing key plot points, escalating the stakes, and setting up future developments. The discovery of the cursed game and the revelations about the haunting past drive the narrative forward, keeping the audience engaged and eager to learn more.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and revelations that challenge the characters' beliefs and the audience's expectations. The supernatural elements add an element of uncertainty and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of fate versus free will, as the characters grapple with the idea that they may be trapped in a rigged game with no way out. This challenges their beliefs about agency and control in their lives.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a strong emotional impact, evoking feelings of fear, dread, and suspense in the audience. The eerie atmosphere, supernatural elements, and escalating tension create a sense of unease and anticipation, drawing the audience into the story.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and suspicions, adding depth to their interactions. The exchanges between the characters help to build tension and reveal key plot points, enhancing the overall atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of mystery, suspense, and supernatural elements that keep the audience on edge. The escalating tension and cryptic revelations draw viewers in and leave them wanting more.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-crafted, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense that keeps the audience engaged. The rhythm of the scene enhances the eerie atmosphere and allows for impactful reveals.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a supernatural thriller genre, effectively conveying the eerie atmosphere and tension of the scene through concise and descriptive action lines.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure, transitioning between present and flashback sequences seamlessly to reveal key information about the characters and the supernatural elements at play. This structure adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene effectively escalates tension through supernatural elements like the unburned game box and the self-altering rule card, which reinforces the theme of inescapable horror and builds on the established lore. However, the rapid shift to the flashback feels abrupt and could confuse viewers, as it interrupts the present action without sufficient buildup, potentially diluting the immediate stakes in the living room.
  • Dialogue in this scene reveals character dynamics well, such as Riley's intellectual approach contrasting with Brooke's frustration and Lilly's vulnerability, which helps deepen their personalities. That said, some lines, like 'Every system has a weakness,' come across as generic and expository, lacking the nuance that could make them feel more organic and tied to the characters' personal histories, thus reducing emotional impact.
  • Visually, the descriptions of the fire, the pulsing phone, and the bulging wallpaper are vivid and cinematic, creating a strong atmosphere of dread that ties into the overall horror tone. Nevertheless, the match cut to the 1925 flashback, while clever, risks feeling like a disjointed info-dump if not integrated more seamlessly, as it shifts focus from the characters' current peril to historical exposition, which might alienate the audience if the connection isn't clear.
  • The scene's pacing is intense and maintains momentum from the previous scenes, with the failed attempt to destroy the game heightening suspense. However, it could benefit from more varied character reactions to avoid repetition; for instance, Lilly's immediate tears and Brooke's retreat are similar to their behaviors in earlier scenes, potentially making their responses feel predictable and lessening the impact of their fear.
  • Overall, the scene advances the plot by introducing key lore through Sue's book and the flashback, which is crucial for understanding the antagonist's origins. But it relies heavily on shock elements (e.g., the hum, the changing card) without sufficient character-driven moments, which might make the horror feel more gimmicky than earned, especially in a screenplay that has already established similar tropes in scenes 17 and 19.
Suggestions
  • Smooth the transition to the flashback by adding a brief auditory or visual cue in the present (e.g., a sound bridge or a shared object like the phone) to make the cut feel more organic and less jarring, enhancing the narrative flow.
  • Refine the dialogue to be more character-specific and less clichéd; for example, have Riley reference her past trauma with Ethan to tie her line about fear into her personal arc, making it more emotionally resonant and integrated with the story.
  • Expand on character reactions during the supernatural events to add depth; show Lilly's tears evolving into a specific action, like clutching a personal item for comfort, or have Brooke's frustration lead to a physical outburst, to make their responses more dynamic and engaging.
  • Balance the visual horror with quieter, character-focused moments; for instance, insert a brief pause after the rule card changes where the characters exchange glances or share a whispered fear, allowing the audience to process the escalation and build empathy.
  • Ensure the flashback serves a clear purpose by shortening it or making it more interactive with the present; consider intercutting between the two timelines to show parallels, which could heighten tension and reinforce how the past directly influences the current events without breaking immersion.



Scene 21 -  Echoes of the Past
INT. ATTIC - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
The hum deepens into something guttural.
The planchette jerks violently, gouging splinters into the
board --
N-O-T J-O-S-E-P-H.
The trap door SLAMS shut.
Gaslight bulbs flare.
Shadows writhe.
EDITH
Sue -- it’s not them.
SUE
Hold the line. Do not break the
circle.
The rotary phone RINGS. Shrill. Unnatural.

The sound bleeds across --
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY (PRESENT DAY)
The pink phone SHRIEKS on the board.
All three girls jolt.
Riley nearly drops the book.
LILLY
Riley, put it down!
Riley clutches it tighter.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Mystery"]

Summary In a tense flashback set in an attic, a Ouija board session spirals into chaos as the planchette spells out a warning, while supernatural disturbances unfold. Edith warns Sue that the spirits are not who they seem, but Sue insists on maintaining the circle. The scene shifts to the present day, where Riley, Lilly, and another girl are startled by a ringing pink phone, linking the eerie past to their current situation. Lilly urges Riley to put down a disturbing book, but Riley defiantly clings to it, escalating the tension between them.
Strengths
  • Effective use of supernatural elements
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Mysterious revelations
  • Strong character reactions
  • Escalating tension
Weaknesses
  • Possible need for clearer character motivations
  • Some elements may require further explanation or development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through a combination of supernatural elements, eerie atmosphere, and mysterious revelations. The incorporation of the flashback adds depth to the story, while the escalating supernatural events keep the audience on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 9.5

The concept of blending supernatural horror with a mysterious past is intriguing and well-developed in this scene. The introduction of the flashback to 1925 adds depth to the story and connects the present events to a dark history, enhancing the overall mystery and suspense.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is gripping and effectively advances the overall story. The revelation of the dark history through the flashback, the escalating supernatural events, and the characters' reactions create a sense of urgency and intrigue, driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on supernatural elements, blending traditional horror tropes with unique character dynamics and a sense of impending danger. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.8

The characters in the scene react realistically to the supernatural events unfolding around them, conveying fear, unease, and determination. Their interactions and decisions contribute to the escalating tension and help to reveal more about their personalities and relationships.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo emotional changes in the scene, experiencing fear, shock, and determination in the face of supernatural threats. These changes reveal more about their personalities and relationships, adding depth to their characters and driving the narrative forward.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth behind the supernatural events unfolding. This reflects their curiosity, bravery, and perhaps a desire for understanding or closure.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to stay connected and maintain the circle in the face of the supernatural occurrences. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with the unknown and potentially dangerous forces at play.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.3

The scene is filled with conflict, both external (supernatural forces, mysterious past) and internal (fear, uncertainty). The escalating tension, the characters' struggles against the supernatural, and the high stakes create a sense of urgency and danger, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing supernatural forces that challenge their beliefs and abilities to control the situation. The uncertainty adds to the scene's suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The scene features high stakes, with the characters facing supernatural threats, uncovering a dark past, and confronting unknown forces. The escalating danger, the sense of entrapment, and the characters' struggles to survive create a sense of urgency and peril that heightens the tension.

Story Forward: 10

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the dark past, escalating the supernatural events, and increasing the stakes for the characters. The revelations and developments in the scene propel the narrative towards a climactic resolution.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden supernatural occurrences and the characters' reactions, creating a sense of uncertainty and suspense for the audience.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' beliefs in the supernatural and their ability to confront and control it. It challenges their perceptions of reality and tests their faith in the unknown.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, dread, and unease in the audience. The supernatural events, the characters' reactions, and the sense of escalating danger create a tense and terrifying atmosphere that resonates emotionally with the audience.

Dialogue: 8.7

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and reactions to the supernatural occurrences. The exchanges between the characters build tension and reveal important information about the unfolding events, enhancing the overall atmosphere of suspense.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of supernatural mystery, character dynamics, and escalating tension. The unfolding events keep the audience on edge and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, transitioning smoothly between the flashback and present-day settings to maintain the audience's engagement and anticipation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for a supernatural thriller genre, effectively conveying the visual and auditory cues that enhance the scene's atmosphere.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and transitions between the flashback and present-day settings. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively uses auditory elements, such as the unnatural ringing of the phone, to create a seamless transition between the flashback and the present day, which heightens the supernatural tension and reinforces the theme of inescapable horror. This sound bridge is a strong screenwriting technique that immerses the audience in the story's lore, connecting the historical ritual to the current events and building on the established motifs of phones and spiritual bargains from earlier scenes. However, the brevity of the flashback might leave some viewers confused or disengaged if they are not fully invested in the backstory, as it assumes prior knowledge of characters like Sue and Edith without providing enough context or emotional depth to make their actions resonate deeply.
  • Riley's character is portrayed with consistency in her determination and fear, as seen in her clutching the book tighter despite Lilly's plea, which ties back to her traumatic history and coping mechanisms introduced earlier. This moment underscores her role as the protagonist who confronts the supernatural head-on, but the scene lacks introspection or internal monologue that could reveal more about her psychological state, making her reactions feel somewhat reactive rather than proactive. Additionally, the dialogue is minimal and functional, which serves the suspense but doesn't allow for character development or nuanced interactions, potentially reducing the emotional impact in a horror context where personal stakes are crucial.
  • Visually, the flashback elements—like the planchette gouging the board and the shadows writhing—are vivid and evocative, contributing to the film's atmospheric horror. However, the rapid pacing might overwhelm the audience, sacrificing opportunities for lingering dread or detailed descriptions that could amplify the terror. In the present-day segment, the action is confined to simple reactions (jolting, nearly dropping the book), which feels anticlimactic after the intense buildup in preceding scenes, and it doesn't fully capitalize on the potential for escalating tension or exploring the book's significance in real-time.
  • The scene's structure, with its quick shift from past to present, effectively maintains momentum in a fast-paced horror screenplay, but it risks feeling disjointed or like a montage element rather than a standalone scene. This could dilute the overall narrative coherence if not balanced with more grounded moments, and the lack of resolution or progression in the present day leaves the audience hanging, which might work for suspense but could frustrate viewers if similar transitions occur frequently without payoff.
Suggestions
  • Expand the flashback sequence slightly to include more sensory details or a brief visual cue that reminds the audience of the 1925 context, such as a quick shot of the spirit board or a character's expression, to ensure clarity and deepen emotional investment without slowing the pace too much.
  • Add subtle internal monologue or visual cues for Riley in the present day, like a close-up of her scarred hand gripping the book or a whispered thought about her past trauma, to heighten her character's depth and make her actions more relatable and tense.
  • Incorporate more varied dialogue or non-verbal reactions to build character dynamics; for example, have Lilly's plea include a specific reason tied to her own fears, making the interaction feel more personal and less generic.
  • Refine the pacing by extending the transition moment, perhaps with a slow-motion effect on the phone ringing or a crossfade between the rotary and pink phones, to emphasize the thematic link and allow the horror to build more gradually.
  • Consider integrating additional visual elements in the present day, such as the book reacting supernaturally (e.g., pages rustling on their own), to mirror the flashback's intensity and maintain high stakes, ensuring the scene feels integral to the escalating horror rather than a brief interlude.



Scene 22 -  The Bargain in Shadows
INT. ATTIC - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
Edith lifts the receiver to her ear.
EDITH
(into phone, whisper)
No... you can’t --
Her neck SNAPS --
A sharp CRACK.
Her body locks rigid.
Her hand is frozen on the receiver.
The circle breaks.
The photographs of soldiers on the wall ignite in flame.
The planchette rockets across the room like a dagger --
It embeds in plaster.
Two women SCREAM as shadows pour through the wallpaper --
dragging them backward into blackness.
Only Sue remains -- untouched.
Shadows curl lovingly around her shoulders like a shawl.
She presses the receiver to her ear with a faint, satisfied
smile.
SUE
(whispers)
Then we have a bargain.

The shadows lean closer -- coiling tighter -- whispering
through her hair like lovers breathing secrets.
The rotary phone glows from within, its dial spinning
backward on its own.
From the earpiece --
A voice, slick and inhuman -- LAUGHS.
The room warps.
Wallpaper melts into faces -- dozens of screaming mouths
pressed behind the walls.
Sue’s pearls snap -- scattering across the floor.
Blood beads at her lip -- but her smile never fades.
END FLASHBACK
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Mystery"]

Summary In a chilling flashback set in a dark attic, Edith's desperate phone call is abruptly cut short when a supernatural force snaps her neck, leading to chaos as flames engulf soldier photographs and shadows drag two unnamed women into darkness. Meanwhile, Sue remains untouched, calmly making a sinister bargain with the entity, as shadows embrace her and the room warps into a nightmarish scene. Despite the horror around her, Sue smiles faintly, hinting at her acceptance of the dark forces at play.
Strengths
  • Effective use of supernatural elements
  • Seamless transition between past and present events
  • Building tension and suspense through visual and auditory cues
Weaknesses
  • Potential for overwhelming complexity with multiple supernatural elements
  • Risk of losing audience with intricate plot details

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene excels in creating a palpable sense of terror and suspense through its supernatural elements, eerie atmosphere, and escalating tension. The seamless transition between past and present adds depth to the narrative, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 9.5

The concept of intertwining past rituals with present supernatural occurrences is innovative and engaging. The use of haunted objects, cursed books, and spectral entities adds depth to the horror narrative, creating a rich and immersive world for the characters to navigate.

Plot: 9

The plot is intricately woven with layers of mystery and supernatural elements, driving the tension and suspense forward. The revelation of past events and their connection to the present adds complexity and intrigue to the storyline, keeping the audience captivated.

Originality: 9

The scene is highly original in its depiction of supernatural events, the use of occult elements, and the psychological depth of the characters. The dialogue and actions feel authentic and contribute to the eerie atmosphere.


Character Development

Characters: 8.8

The characters react realistically to the escalating supernatural events, showcasing fear, determination, and curiosity. Their interactions and decisions propel the plot forward and reveal more about their personalities and relationships.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo subtle changes as they confront supernatural forces and uncover dark secrets, deepening their fears and suspicions. Their reactions to the escalating events reveal new facets of their personalities and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to make a bargain with the supernatural forces present. This reflects her desire for power, control, or possibly a deeper need for something that the supernatural entities can provide.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to survive or navigate the supernatural events unfolding in the attic. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in dealing with the otherworldly forces.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.3

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, involving supernatural entities, cursed objects, and characters facing their deepest fears. The escalating tension and sense of impending danger heighten the conflict, keeping the audience on edge.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with supernatural forces and unknown consequences challenging the protagonist's goals. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are exceptionally high in the scene, with characters facing supernatural entities, cursed objects, and the threat of ancient rituals coming to fruition. The danger and mystery surrounding the events raise the stakes, adding urgency and tension to the narrative.

Story Forward: 10

The scene significantly advances the plot by revealing crucial information about past rituals, cursed objects, and the nature of the supernatural forces at play. The escalating events drive the narrative forward, building suspense and intrigue.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden twists, supernatural elements, and the unexpected consequences of the characters' actions. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of making deals with supernatural entities and the consequences of such bargains. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the boundaries between the natural and supernatural worlds, as well as the price of power.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, eliciting fear, suspense, and intrigue. The supernatural elements and chilling revelations heighten the emotional impact, immersing the audience in the characters' terrifying experiences.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and suspicions, adding depth to their interactions. The supernatural elements are subtly woven into the dialogue, enhancing the eerie atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, mysterious events, and the sense of impending danger. The reader is drawn into the supernatural world and the characters' fates.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually, escalating the supernatural events, and maintaining a sense of suspense throughout. The rhythm of the scene enhances the eerie atmosphere.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene aligns with the expected format for a supernatural thriller genre, with clear descriptions, dialogue cues, and scene transitions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows an expected structure for a supernatural thriller genre, building tension, introducing supernatural elements, and escalating the conflict effectively.


Critique
  • This flashback scene effectively heightens the horror elements of the screenplay by providing crucial backstory on Sue's demonic bargain, which ties into the present-day conflicts. The vivid, visceral descriptions—such as the neck snap, the planchette embedding in the wall, and the wallpaper melting into screaming faces—create a strong sense of dread and immerse the audience in the supernatural terror. This helps build the lore of the house and Sue's character, making her a more compelling antagonist as someone who willingly embraces darkness for personal gain. However, the rapid escalation of events might overwhelm viewers if not paced carefully in editing, potentially diluting the impact of individual horrors like the shadows dragging women away or the phone's inhuman laugh. Additionally, Sue's faint, satisfied smile amidst the chaos is a powerful character beat that underscores her villainy, but it could benefit from more subtle foreshadowing in earlier scenes to make her decision feel less abrupt and more psychologically grounded, enhancing the audience's understanding of her motivations.
  • The use of sound and visual effects is exemplary, with elements like the sharp CRACK of Edith's neck, the glowing rotary phone, and the warping room contributing to a claustrophobic, nightmarish atmosphere that aligns well with the overall tone of the script. This scene successfully connects the past to the present through the seamless transition via the ringing phone, reinforcing the theme of inescapable history and cyclical horror. That said, the lack of dialogue beyond whispers and screams might make it challenging for audiences to fully grasp the specifics of the bargain Sue makes, such as what she gains or the exact nature of the entity, which could leave some viewers confused about the stakes. Expanding slightly on the auditory elements, like making the inhuman laugh more distinct or adding a hint of what the shadows whisper, could clarify the supernatural rules without sacrificing the scene's mystery.
  • In terms of character development, Edith's sudden death serves as a stark reminder of the consequences of meddling with the unknown, but her role feels somewhat underdeveloped; she's introduced and killed off quickly, which might make her demise feel more like a plot device than a tragic event. This could be an opportunity to add emotional depth, perhaps by showing a brief reaction from the other women or a flashback to Edith's personality earlier in the script. Furthermore, the scene's intensity is a strength, but it risks becoming repetitive with the overuse of similar horror tropes (e.g., melting walls, screaming faces) seen in other parts of the script, potentially desensitizing the audience. Balancing this with unique elements, like the personal significance of the soldier photographs igniting, could make the horror more original and tied to the characters' backstories.
  • The ending of the flashback, with Sue's smile persisting despite the blood and chaos, is a chilling cap to the sequence, emphasizing her cold ambition and setting up her role in the present. However, the transition back to the present (as indicated in the previous scene) is abrupt, and while the phone ring links them, it might benefit from a smoother narrative bridge to maintain momentum. Overall, this scene is a pivotal moment that escalates the film's mythology, but ensuring it doesn't overshadow the character-driven elements in the main storyline is important, especially since it's mid-script and should build toward the climax without resolving too much too early.
Suggestions
  • To enhance the emotional impact, consider adding a subtle flashback or voice-over hint earlier in the script about Sue's dissatisfaction with her life or her obsession with youth, making her bargain in this scene feel more earned and less sudden.
  • Refine the pacing by inserting a brief moment of tense silence or a slow build-up before the chaos erupts, such as Edith hesitating on the phone, to allow the audience to anticipate the horror and increase suspense without extending the scene's length.
  • Clarify the supernatural elements by making the entity's voice or the shadows' whispers more specific—perhaps revealing a key phrase or name that echoes in later scenes—to deepen the mystery and provide breadcrumbs for the audience to piece together the lore.
  • Diversify the visual horror by incorporating unique details, like the pearls snapping symbolizing Sue's loss of innocence or the planchette's embedding leaving a residue that affects the present day, to avoid repetition of common tropes and make the scene stand out.
  • Strengthen character moments by giving Edith a line or action that humanizes her before her death, such as a glance at the soldier photos or a whispered plea, to make her fate more poignant and connect it emotionally to Riley's own traumas in the main narrative.



Scene 23 -  The Game Found Us
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS (PRESENT DAY)
The book vibrates in Riley’s hands. She forces it open --
Ink ripples across the page --
“Blood and hair. Strands bind the living. Blood opens the
door.”
The pink phone HUMS louder. Low. Steady.
RILEY
(under breath)
Blood and hair... strands bind.
Blood opens.
The storm outside stops for one horrific beat.
The silence is crushing.
The board pulses, glossy ink warping their reflections.
With an eerie calm, Riley moves toward the pink phone.
She picks it up -- unscrews the receiver. Careful,
deliberate.
BROOKE
Riley, don’t --
CLACK.

The panel drops --
A grotesque HAIR DOLL clumps out --
Blonde, brunette, auburn hair twisted tight. Eyes sewn shut.
The doll twitches. Its knotted mouth gapes open.
HAIR DOLL (V.O.)
(whisper, many voices)
I see you...
Riley flings it across the room --
The doll hits the floor -- convulses, then goes still.
A single hair strand snakes away, slipping between
floorboards.
RILEY
We didn’t find this game. This game
found us.
Heavy silence.
Then --
The pink phone HUMS louder.
Shadows writhe across the lace curtains.
Riley paces, clutching the book tight. Mind racing.
RILEY (CONT'D)
I’m going back to Sue’s room. I
have to end this.
Brooke’s head snaps up.
BROOKE
You’re kidding, right?
Riley’s eyes burn steady, calm.
RILEY
I know how to beat this thing. But
I need a piece of Sue. Her hair.
Brooke laughs once, brittle and sharp.

BROOKE
What are you now, a witch? One
creepy diary and you’re Buffy the
Vampire Slayer? No. We stay here.
Together.
LILLY
(to Riley)
I’m coming with you.
Brooke stares at her, incredulous.
BROOKE
It’s a board game. Cardboard.
Plastic. A dial tone. That’s it --
not some... prophecy.
Lilly rounds on her, eyes flashing.
LILLY
At least she’s trying -- not hiding
behind jokes cause she’s terrified
of being alone.
The words slice through the room.
For a flicker, Brooke’s armor drops -- pain swims up from
somewhere raw and real.
Riley steps between them. Steady. Urgent.
RILEY
Stop. We're all sisters here. We
need to work together.
Brooke won’t meet her eyes.
She stares at the phone instead -- its faint glow painting
her pale, tired face.
BROOKE
You think -- you think you can
actually stop it?
Riley kneels to her level.
RILEY
Yes -- but I need you to watch the
board and don’t touch the phone...
no matter what.
Brooke nods once, still fragile.

BROOKE
Okay. But -- but don’t leave me
long.
Riley squeezes her shoulder, a fleeting spark of sisterhood.
RILEY
Five minutes. That’s all.
Riley stands, signals to Lilly.
Darkness swallows them.
Brooke lingers by the coffee table, frozen.
The pink phone pulses, the hum almost a whispering moan now.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense living room scene, Riley discovers a vibrating book revealing a cryptic message about blood and hair. As the atmosphere grows eerie, a grotesque hair doll emerges from a phone, whispering ominously. Riley, determined to confront the supernatural threat, proposes a plan to retrieve a piece of Sue to end the curse, despite Brooke's skepticism and fear. Lilly supports Riley, leading to a conflict that Riley resolves by emphasizing their sisterly bond. The scene culminates with Riley and Lilly preparing to leave, while Brooke remains behind, watching the ominous phone and board.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Supernatural elements
  • Character dynamics
  • Atmospheric setting
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Character reactions could be further developed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through supernatural elements, character dynamics, and a sense of impending danger. The execution is strong, creating a chilling atmosphere and setting up a compelling narrative. The design is well-structured, with a clear progression of events and a focus on character motivations and interactions.


Story Content

Concept: 9.3

The concept of a haunted board game intertwined with supernatural occurrences and the need for a sacrificial offering is intriguing and well-developed. It adds depth to the narrative and introduces a unique twist to the horror genre.

Plot: 9.1

The plot is rich with suspense, mystery, and supernatural elements that drive the story forward. It introduces key revelations and sets the stage for further developments, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding events.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on supernatural elements with the hair doll and the mysterious board game. The characters' reactions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the unfolding events.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' interactions, fears, and motivations are well-portrayed, adding depth to the scene. The dynamics between the characters, particularly the emphasis on sisterhood and unity, enhance the emotional impact and drive the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 9

The characters experience subtle changes in their perceptions and actions, particularly in their unity and resolve to confront the supernatural threat. These changes add depth to their arcs and drive the narrative forward.

Internal Goal: 8

Riley's internal goal in this scene is to confront and overcome her fears and insecurities. She is driven by a desire to protect her friends and prove her capability in the face of a supernatural threat.

External Goal: 7.5

Riley's external goal is to defeat the supernatural entity that has manifested through the board game and protect her friends from harm.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.4

The level of conflict is high, with supernatural forces, internal struggles, and the looming threat of the haunted game creating intense moments of fear and tension. The characters are pushed to their limits, adding to the suspense of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting beliefs and fears among the characters creating obstacles and uncertainties that drive the narrative forward.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are high, with the characters facing supernatural threats, the need for sacrifice, and the looming danger of the haunted game. The consequences of failure are dire, adding urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing key information, escalating the conflict, and setting up future events. It advances the plot while maintaining a sense of mystery and suspense.

Unpredictability: 8.5

The scene is unpredictable in its supernatural elements and character reactions, keeping the audience on edge about the outcome of the unfolding events.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around belief in the supernatural and the power of unity versus skepticism and fear. Riley's belief in the game's significance clashes with Brooke's skepticism and Lilly's supportive stance.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.3

The scene delivers a high emotional impact through fear, dread, and the characters' struggles against supernatural forces. It evokes a sense of unease and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

Dialogue: 8.8

The dialogue effectively conveys tension, fear, and urgency, adding to the atmosphere of the scene. It reveals character dynamics and motivations, driving the plot forward with impactful exchanges.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of mystery, tension, and character conflicts that keep the audience invested in the unfolding events.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, maintaining a steady rhythm that enhances the impact of key moments and character interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8.5

The formatting adheres to the expected style for a suspenseful screenplay, utilizing concise descriptions and clear character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured progression of events that build suspense and reveal character dynamics effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds suspense through supernatural elements like the vibrating book, the humming phone, and the grotesque hair doll, which ties into the overarching theme of the script's horror elements. However, the rapid escalation from Riley reading the incantation to the hair doll's appearance might feel abrupt, potentially overwhelming the audience and reducing the impact of each horror beat. As a teacher, I'd suggest that while this intensity can heighten tension, it risks desensitizing viewers if similar shocks occur frequently in prior scenes; here, it could benefit from a slower buildup to allow the audience to absorb the dread.
  • Character dynamics are a strong point, with the conflict between Brooke, Lilly, and Riley showcasing their individual fears and relationships. Brooke's skepticism and vulnerability add depth, making her more than a one-dimensional character, but her line 'What are you now, a witch?' comes across as clichéd and humorous in a way that might undercut the horror tone. This dialogue feels forced and could alienate readers or viewers by relying on tropes, whereas a more subtle expression of her denial might better serve the scene's emotional stakes and Riley's leadership role.
  • The visual and auditory descriptions, such as the crushing silence after the storm stops and the shadows writhing across curtains, create a vivid, immersive atmosphere that aligns well with the script's horror genre. That said, the scene's reliance on voice-over for the hair doll ('I see you...') might not translate as powerfully on screen if not handled carefully in direction, as it could feel tell rather than show; integrating more physical actions or reactions from the characters could make the horror more visceral and engaging for the audience.
  • Riley's decision to return to Sue’s room demonstrates good character progression, showing her growth from a victim of trauma (as established in earlier scenes) to an active protagonist. However, the logic behind needing 'a piece of Sue' for the ritual feels somewhat underdeveloped here, potentially confusing viewers if not clearly connected to the book's incantation or previous lore. This could weaken the scene's coherence within the larger narrative, as the audience might question the reasoning without sufficient foreshadowing or explanation.
  • The ending, with Riley and Lilly leaving Brooke alone, effectively isolates characters to build individual tension for subsequent scenes, which is a smart narrative choice. Yet, the mediation by Riley to emphasize their 'sisterly bond' feels a bit expository and could be shown through actions rather than dialogue, making the moment more authentic and emotionally resonant. Overall, while the scene advances the plot and maintains the script's tense tone, it occasionally prioritizes plot mechanics over character nuance, which is common in horror but could be refined for greater depth.
Suggestions
  • Slow down the reveal of the hair doll by adding more anticipatory beats, such as Riley hesitating before unscrewing the receiver or describing subtle sounds building to the CLACK, to heighten suspense and give the audience time to feel the fear.
  • Refine dialogue to be less on-the-nose; for example, rewrite Brooke's line to something more personal, like 'You're sounding like those ghost stories you hate, Riley—let's not go there,' to make it feel more grounded in their relationship and less trope-like.
  • Enhance visual storytelling by incorporating more sensory details, such as the feel of the hair doll in Riley's hands or the cold draft from the phone, to make the horror more tactile and immersive, helping viewers connect emotionally.
  • Clarify the ritual logic by adding a brief, integrated flashback or internal thought from Riley referencing earlier events, ensuring the audience understands the connection between 'blood and hair' and her plan without halting the scene's momentum.
  • Strengthen character interactions by showing the sisterly bond through non-verbal cues, like a shared glance or a reassuring touch, rather than explicit dialogue, to make the mediation feel more natural and deepen emotional investment in their relationships.



Scene 24 -  Urgent Ascent
INT. STAIRCASE - NIGHT
The staircase looms in front of Riley and Lilly, half-
swallowed by shadow.
Riley steadies the lantern; the glow trembles across the
banister -- wood slick with dampness.
They climb.
Each step groans.
Halfway up --
A violent gust roars down the stairwell, rattling the walls.
Riley clamps her hand around Lilly’s, pulling her up.
RILEY
Keep moving. Don’t look back.
From below --
A faint RING. Metallic, sharp.
LILLY
Riley, it’s your turn.
RILEY
They can leave a message.
They climb faster.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense scene, Riley and Lilly ascend a dimly lit staircase at night, with Riley guiding Lilly while holding a lantern. A sudden gust of wind rattles the stairwell, prompting Riley to urge Lilly to keep moving and not look back. As they climb, a faint ringing from a phone below distracts Lilly, but Riley dismisses it, prioritizing their escape. The atmosphere is filled with suspense as they quicken their pace, facing the environmental threats without resolution.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Compelling supernatural elements
  • Strong atmosphere and setting descriptions
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene
  • Dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through its atmospheric descriptions, supernatural elements, and character interactions. The introduction of possessed snowmen and the eerie phone call add layers of suspense, while the escalating sense of danger and the unknown keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 9.5

The concept of supernatural forces at play, escalating tension, and characters facing unknown dangers is well-executed. The scene effectively blends horror and thriller elements to create a compelling narrative that keeps the audience on edge.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging, with the introduction of new supernatural elements and the characters' reactions driving the story forward. The scene raises questions and deepens the mystery, setting up further developments in the narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the classic 'chase' scenario by emphasizing the characters' emotional responses and the eerie setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the suspense.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' reactions to the escalating supernatural events enhance the tension and fear in the scene. Their interactions and decisions contribute to the sense of impending danger and help drive the plot forward.

Character Changes: 9

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the escalating danger and supernatural events challenge the characters' beliefs and perceptions, setting the stage for potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Riley's internal goal is to protect Lilly and keep her moving forward despite the threatening situation. This reflects Riley's need for control and her fear of what might be behind them.

External Goal: 7.5

Riley's external goal is to reach the top of the staircase and escape whatever danger is pursuing them. This goal is driven by the immediate circumstances of the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.3

The conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing supernatural threats and unknown dangers. The escalating tension, eerie atmosphere, and the introduction of possessed snowmen raise the stakes and create a sense of imminent peril.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing physical and emotional obstacles that challenge their survival. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the suspense.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are high, with the characters facing supernatural threats, unknown dangers, and escalating tension. The introduction of possessed snowmen and the eerie phone call heighten the sense of danger and create a chilling atmosphere.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new supernatural elements, deepening the mystery, and raising the stakes for the characters. It sets up further developments and keeps the audience engaged in the unfolding narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unknown danger lurking in the staircase and the characters' uncertain fate. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict lies in Riley's insistence on moving forward and not looking back, contrasting Lilly's concern about what they might be leaving behind. This challenges Riley's belief in pushing forward at all costs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, dread, and anxiety in the audience. The supernatural elements, character reactions, and escalating tension combine to create a chilling and suspenseful atmosphere.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' fear, tension, and sense of urgency. While not heavily dialogue-driven, the lines spoken enhance the atmosphere and contribute to the scene's overall tone.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense atmosphere, the characters' perilous situation, and the sense of urgency that drives the action forward.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds suspense and urgency, keeping the audience on edge as the characters navigate the dangerous staircase. The rhythm enhances the scene's intensity.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a suspenseful scene, with concise action lines and impactful dialogue. It enhances the scene's readability and impact.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a suspenseful structure typical of its genre, building tension through physical and emotional obstacles. The pacing and rhythm contribute effectively to the scene's intensity.


Critique
  • This scene effectively serves as a tense transitional moment, building suspense through atmospheric details like the groaning stairs, trembling lantern light, and sudden gust of wind. It maintains the horror genre's pacing by escalating minor threats (the ringing sound) without resolving them, which keeps the audience on edge and reinforces the theme of inescapable danger. However, the scene feels somewhat formulaic and brief, relying on familiar horror tropes (e.g., 'don't look back') without adding unique elements that could distinguish it from similar sequences in the script or other works. This brevity might limit character development; for instance, Riley's command to 'keep moving' and dismissal of the ring show her leadership, but there's little exploration of her internal state or how past traumas influence her decisions in this moment, which could make her actions feel more reactive than proactive. Additionally, the dialogue, while concise, lacks subtext or emotional depth—Lilly's line about it being Riley's turn directly references the game's rules, but it might confuse viewers if not clearly contextualized, potentially disrupting immersion. Overall, while the scene successfully heightens tension and connects to the broader narrative of supernatural pursuit, it could benefit from more innovative visual or auditory cues to avoid repetition with earlier scenes involving similar elements like wind and sounds, ensuring the script's momentum doesn't stagnate in these interstitial moments.
  • In terms of pacing, this scene is appropriately short for a transitional beat in a horror screenplay, estimated at around 10-15 seconds based on the description, which aligns with the need to keep the story moving during high-stakes sequences. However, its simplicity might underutilize the opportunity to deepen the audience's understanding of the characters' relationships or the escalating threat. For example, the physical act of Riley grabbing Lilly's hand could symbolize their bond or Riley's protective instincts, but it's not explored beyond the immediate action, missing a chance to add emotional layers that resonate with the sisterly themes established earlier in the script. Visually, the description is vivid but could be more cinematic; the lantern's glow is a strong element, but incorporating more dynamic camera angles or sound design suggestions in the script could enhance the scene's impact. Critically, this scene's reliance on external stimuli (wind, ringing) to drive tension might make it feel derivative if not balanced with internal conflict, as the horror genre often thrives on psychological depth—here, Riley's history with Ethan could be subtly woven in to make the ringing sound more personally terrifying, strengthening the connection to her arc.
  • The scene's strength lies in its economy, using minimal dialogue and action to convey urgency and fear, which is a hallmark of effective screenwriting. However, this minimalism can sometimes border on abruptness, as the transition from the previous scene (where Riley and Lilly leave the living room) to this staircase climb feels seamless but lacks a strong establishing shot or beat to reorient the audience, potentially causing disorientation in a fast-paced horror film. Furthermore, the ringing sound from below is a clever callback to the game's mechanics, reinforcing the theme of inescapable supernatural forces, but it could be more integrated with the characters' immediate fears— for instance, if Lilly's comment about 'your turn' elicited a specific reaction from Riley tied to her trauma, it might heighten the emotional stakes. On a structural level, as scene 24 out of 39, this moment is part of a larger build-up, but it risks feeling like filler if not varied enough from other transitional scenes; the script could use this to introduce subtle variations in horror elements to maintain freshness. Lastly, the ending with them climbing faster is a good cliffhanger setup for the next scene, but it could be more impactful with a visual or auditory tease of what's to come, ensuring the audience is hooked without revealing too much.
Suggestions
  • Expand the sensory details to include more specific sounds or visuals, such as describing the wind carrying faint whispers or the lantern casting shadows that resemble pursuing figures, to make the scene more immersive and unique without lengthening it significantly.
  • Add a line of internal monologue or a subtle physical reaction for Riley that references her past trauma (e.g., her hand tightening on the scar when hearing the ring), to deepen character development and tie the scene more closely to her personal arc, enhancing emotional resonance.
  • Refine the dialogue to include more subtext; for example, have Lilly's 'it’s your turn' delivered with hesitation or fear, and Riley's response could hint at her growing resolve, making the exchange more dynamic and revealing of their relationship dynamics.
  • Consider varying the horror elements by introducing a new auditory or visual cue specific to this location, like creaking portraits on the wall or a cold draft that feels targeted, to differentiate this transitional scene from others and prevent repetition in the script's tension-building sequences.
  • Ensure smoother transitions by starting with a quick cut or sound bridge from the previous scene's door closing to the staircase, and end with a visual hook, such as a shadow moving at the bottom of the stairs, to maintain pacing and build anticipation for the next scene without overcomplicating the current one.



Scene 25 -  The Haunting Performance
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Brooke sits alone on the beanbag, arms wrapped around her
knees.
The pink phone hums steadily on the table.
She stares at it...
Then --
CLICK.
The TV flickers on by itself --
Static fizzes across the screen.
Slowly, an image bleeds through --
A COMEDY CLUB. Red velvet curtains. Smoke haze. A single mic
glows in a white-hot spotlight.
Onstage -- DEAN. Perfect -- teeth gleaming like knives.
DEAN (ON TV)
Ladies and gentlemen... your
headliner tonight -- Brooke Jacobs!
A CANNED LAUGH TRACK detonates. Tinny, metallic, wrong.
The laughter doesn’t come from the TV --
It rattles from the walls.
Brooke flinches -- clutches her stomach.
BROOKE
No. This isn’t real.
The LAUGHTER swells, pounding in her skull.
She clamps her hands over her ears -- but it’s inside her.
DEAN (ON TV)
Come on, Brooke. Give us a joke,
darling.
The mic SQUEALS with feedback.
Brooke opens her mouth --
Nothing. Her throat clenches shut.

DEAN (ON TV) (CONT'D)
Oh, Brooke, you’re bombing already.
The laugh track ERUPTS again. Violent. Jagged.
Brooke jerks -- an involuntary laugh rips from her throat
like a muscle spasm.
Then another.
She doubles over, laughter pouring from her in convulsions.
BROOKE
(through laughter)
Stop -- I can’t --
Her face spasms.
Her lips split at the corners --
Blood dribbles down her chin.
The living room walls DISSOLVE --
The furniture melts away --
Replaced by rows of SHADOW-FACED MEN -- pounding tables.
Their LAUGHTER shakes the air, vibrating her ribs.
DEAN (ON TV)
That’s it. Let it out.
Brooke stumbles back, tears streaking through her smeared
makeup.
The shadows in the crowd lean forward, their mouths
stretching wider than humanly possible.
Their laughter changes pitch -- morphs into SCREAMS disguised
as guffaws.
Brooke’s body lurches with each laugh.
Her jaw twitches like a puppet on strings.
CRACK.
Her jaw SNAPS slightly wider.
A tooth rattles free, bouncing across the floorboards.
BROOKE
Please, stop -- please --

SHADOW AUDIENCE (V.O.)
(chanting in rhythm)
Brooke! Brooke! Brooke!
Dean steps closer to the TV screen.
His smile glimmers unnaturally wide.
DEAN (ON TV)
I’ve got a joke, Brooke. Wanna hear
it?
The audience ROARS.
Dean presses his palm against the screen --
The glass RIPPLES like liquid.
Then --
Dean’s face and body PEEL THROUGH, static clinging to him.
He stands up --
Tall. Radiant. Monstrous.
Brooke collapses to her knees, trembling.
BROOKE
No. No, please...
Dean crouches, cupping her chin with mock tenderness.
His thumb smears blood across her cheek like lipstick.
DEAN
What do you call a girl who hides
behind jokes?
The laugh track multiplies, filling every inch of space --
High-pitched. Low-pitched. Distorted.
Laughter drips from the ceiling. Seeps up from the
floorboards.
Brooke convulses.
Her jaw cracks wider, spraying more blood.
Her tongue lolls, twitches.
Dean leans close, breath steaming.

DEAN (CONT'D)
(whispering)
A punchline.
The living room BLINKS --
Suddenly, Brooke is ON STAGE.
Spotlight blisters her skin.
The faceless audience leans forward in silence.
Their mouths gape, expectant. Hundreds of them.
Brooke stares into the void of faces, sobbing.
BROOKE
Please. I’m not funny. I’m not --
The audience ERUPTS into laughter.
Her jaw cracks wider -- UNHINGES.
Blood sprays across the mic.
Her laugh is now a howl.
The microphone sprouts wires -- coiling around her arms like
snakes -- yanking her upright.
The stand fuses into her skin, anchoring her in place.
Her lips tear into a permanent smile.
Blood sheets down her throat.
Her chest trembles like a speaker.
Dean wraps his arm around her shoulders.
His eyes burn yellow. Teeth long. Animal.
DEAN
Ladies and gentlemen. Give her a
hand!
The faceless audience rises, CLAPPING.
Brooke’s body goes limp, dangling from the mic -- jaw
grotesquely split into a rictus grin.
The shadows howl in a standing ovation.
BACK TO LIVING ROOM

The TV flickers with static.
The pink phone hums louder, pulsing with hunger.
On the rug --
Brooke lies slumped, lifeless.
Lips torn.
Frozen in a monstrous grin.
CANNED LAUGHTER plays faintly from the now-dead TV.
Then --
Silence.
Genres: ["Horror","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary In a nightmarish scene, Brooke sits alone in her living room, fixated on a humming pink phone that triggers a hallucination of a comedy club. As Dean appears on screen, he taunts her to perform, leading to an overwhelming onslaught of laughter that causes her physical and psychological torment. The environment distorts into a surreal nightmare, with Dean emerging as a monstrous figure, inflicting further horror on Brooke. Bound to a microphone, she is forced into a grotesque performance before collapsing, leaving her lifeless on the rug as the laughter fades into silence.
Strengths
  • Effective use of supernatural elements
  • Intense psychological horror
  • Surreal and nightmarish atmosphere
  • Strong emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Sparse dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively combines supernatural horror with psychological terror, creating a chilling and unsettling atmosphere. The execution is strong, with a focus on building tension and fear through a series of escalating events. The design is well-crafted, utilizing elements of horror to evoke a sense of dread and helplessness.


Story Content

Concept: 9.5

The concept of blending supernatural horror with psychological terror is executed with skill and creativity. The scene effectively explores themes of fear, isolation, and the unknown, creating a haunting and unforgettable experience for the audience.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is gripping and intense, with a focus on escalating tension and horror. The events unfold in a way that keeps the audience on edge, leading to a shocking and impactful conclusion.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh and original approach to exploring the pressure to perform and conform, blending elements of horror and psychological thriller with a surreal comedy club setting. The authenticity of Brooke's emotional struggle and the disturbing imagery enhance the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters in the scene are used to convey fear, desperation, and horror effectively. Their reactions and interactions contribute to the overall sense of dread and helplessness that permeates the scene.

Character Changes: 8

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters' reactions and experiences contribute to their development and the audience's understanding of their fears and vulnerabilities.

Internal Goal: 9

Brooke's internal goal is to resist the pressure to perform and be funny, reflecting her fear of failure, rejection, and the loss of her true self in the face of external expectations.

External Goal: 8

Brooke's external goal is to escape the nightmarish comedy club scenario and the torment of Dean, reflecting her immediate challenge of maintaining her sanity and identity in a surreal and threatening environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and palpable, with the characters facing supernatural forces that threaten their sanity and well-being. The escalating tension and horror contribute to a high level of conflict throughout the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Brooke facing internal and external challenges that threaten her sanity and identity. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the suspense and psychological tension.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing supernatural forces that threaten their lives and sanity. The escalating horror and psychological torment raise the stakes to a terrifying level.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the mystery and horror surrounding the supernatural elements at play. It raises questions and sets the stage for further revelations and developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of its surreal and nightmarish twists, unexpected shifts in reality, and the psychological torment experienced by the protagonist. The audience is kept guessing about what is real and what is a hallucination.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict lies in the pressure to conform to societal expectations of humor and performance versus the authenticity and self-acceptance of one's true identity. This challenges Brooke's beliefs about her own worth and the demands of external validation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, horror, and shock in the audience. The intense and nightmarish events elicit a strong emotional response, leaving a lasting impression on viewers.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is sparse but impactful, conveying fear and horror through the characters' reactions and the supernatural elements at play. The dialogue serves to enhance the atmosphere and tension of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional stakes, vivid imagery, and the sense of impending dread that keeps the audience on edge. The surreal elements and psychological horror captivate the viewer.

Pacing: 8

The pacing effectively builds tension and suspense, drawing out the psychological horror and emotional turmoil experienced by the protagonist. The rhythm of the scene enhances the sense of unease and disorientation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting aligns with the genre expectations of a psychological thriller, effectively conveying the shifting realities and intense emotions of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a non-linear structure that effectively conveys the surreal and nightmarish elements of the story. The formatting enhances the sense of disorientation and psychological tension.


Critique
  • This scene effectively escalates the horror by transforming Brooke's personal denial and humor into a nightmarish hallucination, mirroring her character traits established earlier in the script. The use of the comedy club setting as a metaphor for her avoidance of real emotions is clever, creating a psychological depth that ties into the film's themes of trauma and suppression. However, the rapid progression from subtle unease to graphic violence might feel overwhelming for the audience, potentially reducing the impact if not balanced with moments of build-up or relief. As a pivotal moment where Brooke meets her demise, it successfully heightens the stakes in the overall narrative, but it could benefit from stronger foreshadowing in prior scenes to make her fate feel more earned and less abrupt.
  • Visually, the scene is rich with disturbing imagery, such as the TV screen rippling and Dean emerging, which adds to the surreal, otherworldly atmosphere. The sensory details—like the canned laughter emanating from the walls and Brooke's physical transformations—are vivid and immersive, drawing the viewer into the horror. That said, some elements, such as the involuntary laughter and jaw unhinging, border on horror clichés, which might dilute the originality if not uniquely tied to the story's lore. In the context of the entire script, this scene connects well to the supernatural elements introduced in earlier scenes, like the game's curse and Ethan's influence, but it could explore Brooke's specific connection to the 'Dream Boy' character Dean more explicitly to deepen the emotional resonance.
  • Dialogue in this scene is sparse but impactful, with Dean's taunts and Brooke's pleas effectively conveying her desperation and the psychological torment. This minimalism keeps the focus on the visual and auditory horror, which is a strength in building tension. However, Brooke's lines, such as 'No. This isn’t real,' feel somewhat generic and could be more personalized to her character—perhaps referencing her earlier sarcastic remarks or fears from previous interactions—to make her breakdown more authentic and heartbreaking. Additionally, the scene's ending, with Brooke's lifeless body and the return to silence, provides a stark contrast that emphasizes the horror's finality, but it might leave viewers wanting more closure or a clearer link to how this event propels the remaining story.
  • In terms of pacing, the scene maintains a high level of intensity, which is appropriate for a horror climax involving a supporting character. It builds suspense through escalating actions, from the TV turning on to the full hallucination, creating a sense of inevitability. However, given that this is scene 25 in a 39-scene script, the horror might be hitting its peak too early if the story continues to escalate, potentially leading to audience fatigue. The critique also extends to the physical horror elements; while graphic, they are well-described, but ensuring they align with the film's tone and not gratuitous violence is key. Overall, this scene serves as a strong character death that advances the plot, but refining the balance between shock and substance could elevate it.
  • Thematically, the scene reinforces the script's exploration of how personal fears are exploited by the supernatural force, with Brooke's use of humor as a defense mechanism being turned against her. This is a poignant moment that highlights the dangers of the 'Dream Boy' game and ties into Riley's ongoing trauma with Ethan, creating a cohesive narrative thread. However, the execution could be critiqued for over-relying on auditory elements like the laugh track, which, while effective, might become repetitive if similar sounds are used frequently in other scenes. To help the reader understand, this scene acts as a microcosm of the film's horror style, blending psychological terror with body horror, but it could be improved by ensuring that Brooke's arc feels complete within the larger story, avoiding the trope of disposable characters in horror narratives.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate subtle hints of Brooke's backstory or fears in earlier scenes to make her hallucination more personal and impactful, such as referencing her reliance on humor in scene 4 or 6, so her breakdown feels like a natural progression rather than isolated.
  • Vary the pacing by adding brief pauses or moments of false security within the hallucination to build suspense more gradually, for example, having the laughter start faint and build slowly, allowing the audience to anticipate the escalation without feeling rushed.
  • Refine the dialogue to be more character-specific; change Brooke's pleas to include references to her friends or the game, like 'This isn't funny, Dean—I'm not part of your sick game!' to strengthen her voice and tie it closer to the plot.
  • Enhance visual originality by connecting the horror elements to established motifs, such as incorporating snow or moths into the comedy club hallucination, to maintain consistency with the script's overall aesthetic and avoid generic horror tropes.
  • Consider shortening or editing the graphic descriptions of Brooke's physical transformations to focus on emotional horror, ensuring the scene emphasizes psychological terror over gore, which could make it more universally affecting and less potentially alienating for viewers.



Scene 26 -  Reflections of Fear
INT. SUE'S ROOM - NIGHT
The door CREAKS open.
Riley and Lilly step inside, lantern light trembling.
Riley edges toward the vanity -- picks up a silver hairbrush.
Its bristles -- tangled with strands -- thick, matted, faded
blonde and brown woven together.
Riley shudders, clutching it tight.
Behind her --
The mirror FOGS. Condensation at first.
Then -- shapes emerge.
LILLY
Riley. Look.
In the mirror stand THREE GIRLS.
Dressed in faded sorority sweaters. Makeup perfect, hair
coiffed like a yearbook photo --
But their skin is pale, their eyes rimmed with deep shadows.
It's the missing 1975 girls -- JANE. CHRISSY. MEGHAN.
Staring. Haunted.
The girls’ mouths open -- yet no sound emerges.

Their lips form words like a chant -- but it's
undecipherable.
The mirror shivers with their breath.
Lilly clutches Riley’s arm.
LILLY (CONT'D)
What do they want?
The reflections’ mouths widen into smiles like wounds
splitting open across porcelain masks.
RILEY
I’m not sure if they want to help
us or hurt us.
Suddenly, Meghan lifts her hand in the mirror, pressing it
against the glass --
Her palm leaves a wet print on the inside.
Riley steps closer. She studies their faces, looking for
signs of malice or mercy.
Then --
Their smiles falter.
Their eyes shift -- not at Riley, but at something behind
her.
Riley whirls --
Nothing in the real room.
When she turns back --
The girls are closer.
Right against the glass.
Their teeth are faintly jagged now -- hair dripping with
black water.
The mirror HUMS. The glass ripples like water about to burst.
The girls speak in unison -- voices layered, echoing from the
walls --
1975 GIRLS (V.O.)
(whisper)
Join us...

The mirror spiderwebs with cracks. The reflections split --
Half-smiling, half-weeping, as if two wills are fighting
inside them.
Riley clutches the brush like a weapon.
She yanks Lilly back toward the door.
RILEY
Let’s head to my room.
Then --
The mirror goes smooth again. Empty.
Only their own frightened reflections remain.
Riley and Lilly stand frozen, breathing hard, then retreat
toward the door.
The mirror fogs once more.
The 1975 girls linger in the glass, watching, waiting.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Mystery"]

Summary In a tense and frightening scene, Riley and Lilly enter Sue's room at night, where they encounter the ghostly apparitions of three girls from 1975 in a fogging mirror. As Riley examines a silver hairbrush, the girls silently chant 'Join us,' their appearances shifting from eerily beautiful to menacing. Uncertain of the ghosts' intentions, Riley decides to flee with Lilly, but the girls continue to watch them silently as they retreat.
Strengths
  • Effective use of supernatural elements
  • Tense and eerie atmosphere
  • Compelling mystery and foreboding tone
Weaknesses
  • Possible need for more character development
  • Dialogue could be further refined to enhance character interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is highly effective in building tension and creating a sense of dread through its supernatural elements and eerie atmosphere. The use of the mirror as a conduit to the past adds depth to the story and keeps the audience engaged. The scene's execution is strong, with well-crafted descriptions and a seamless blend of horror and mystery.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using a mirror to reveal the past and connect the characters to the missing 1975 girls is intriguing and adds depth to the story. The scene's focus on supernatural elements and the blending of past and present create a compelling narrative that keeps the audience engaged.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is driven by the discovery of the missing 1975 girls in the mirror and the escalating tension as the characters interact with the supernatural occurrences. The scene effectively advances the overall mystery of the story and deepens the sense of foreboding surrounding the sorority house.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the supernatural genre by combining elements of ghostly apparitions with a sorority backstory, creating a unique and chilling atmosphere. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters in the scene, particularly Riley and Lilly, react realistically to the supernatural events unfolding around them. Their fear and curiosity drive the scene forward and add depth to their personalities. The interactions between the characters are well-crafted and contribute to the overall tension of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters, particularly Riley and Lilly, experience a shift in their understanding of the supernatural occurrences and the mysteries surrounding the sorority house. Their reactions to the appearance of the missing 1975 girls in the mirror reflect a change in their perception of the situation, deepening their fear and curiosity.

Internal Goal: 9

Riley's internal goal in this scene is to decipher the intentions of the ghostly reflections and protect herself and Lilly from any potential harm. This reflects her deeper need for understanding the supernatural, her fear of the unknown, and her desire to keep herself and her friend safe.

External Goal: 8

Riley's external goal is to lead Lilly out of Sue's room safely and away from the ghostly reflections. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of confronting the supernatural entities and ensuring their physical well-being.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The scene's conflict arises from the supernatural events unfolding around the characters, particularly the appearance of the missing 1975 girls in the mirror. The tension between the characters and the unknown entities in the mirror creates a sense of conflict that drives the scene forward and keeps the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Riley faces a formidable challenge in deciphering the intentions of the ghostly reflections and protecting herself and Lilly from potential harm. The uncertainty surrounding the spirits' motives adds complexity and suspense to the conflict.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes in the scene are driven by the characters' confrontation with the supernatural entities in the mirror and the escalating tension as the missing 1975 girls appear. The characters' fear and uncertainty heighten the stakes and create a sense of danger and foreboding that drives the scene forward.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by revealing new information about the missing 1975 girls and deepening the mystery surrounding the sorority house. The supernatural events in the scene add layers to the narrative and propel the plot towards its resolution, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting intentions of the ghostly reflections, the mysterious nature of their communication, and the unexpected twists in their interactions with Riley and Lilly. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the spirits' true motives.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the uncertainty of the intentions of the ghostly reflections. Riley grapples with the moral dilemma of whether the spirits are benevolent or malevolent, challenging her beliefs about the afterlife and the supernatural.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact due to its tense and eerie atmosphere, as well as the characters' reactions to the supernatural events. The appearance of the missing 1975 girls in the mirror adds a layer of emotion and fear to the scene, heightening the sense of dread and foreboding.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' fear and uncertainty in the face of the supernatural events. The interactions between Riley and Lilly are tense and realistic, adding to the scene's overall atmosphere of dread. The dialogue enhances the character dynamics and drives the plot forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, eerie supernatural elements, and the mystery surrounding the ghostly reflections. The escalating tension and cryptic interactions keep the audience captivated and eager to uncover the secrets of the scene.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of supernatural occurrences and character reactions. The rhythmic flow of events enhances the eerie atmosphere and keeps the audience engaged throughout the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for a screenplay in the supernatural genre, with clear scene descriptions, character actions, and dialogue cues. The visual cues for the supernatural elements are effectively conveyed through the formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a well-structured format for a supernatural thriller, building tension through descriptive narrative and character interactions. The pacing and progression of events align with the genre expectations, enhancing the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds suspense through visual horror elements, such as the fogging mirror and the emergence of the 1975 girls' ghosts, which ties into the film's overarching supernatural mystery. However, the undecipherable chant may confuse viewers, as it lacks clarity and could benefit from being more audible or accompanied by subtitles to convey specific words or emotions, helping the audience better understand the threat and its connection to the plot.
  • Riley's character arc is evident in her proactive handling of the hairbrush and decision-making, showing her growth from past traumas, but her dialogue line 'I’m not sure if they want to help us or hurt us' feels somewhat generic and could be deepened to reveal more internal conflict or reference her history with Ethan, making her reactions more personal and engaging for the audience.
  • The pacing is tight and horror-appropriate, escalating tension quickly from the mirror's fogging to the ghosts' invitation, but it might rush through the emotional beats, particularly Lilly's fear and Riley's uncertainty. Slowing down certain moments, like the ghosts' approach, could allow for greater immersion and let the horror elements resonate more deeply with viewers.
  • Visually, the mirror as a portal device is a strong choice, creating a sense of otherworldliness, but the description could be more cinematic by incorporating additional sensory details, such as the sound of the mirror humming or the cold breath from the reflections, to enhance the eerie atmosphere and make the scene more vivid and memorable.
  • The scene's ending, where Riley and Lilly retreat without immediate consequences, maintains suspense for the next scene but might undercut the stakes by not providing a clearer resolution or cliffhanger. This could make the encounter feel less impactful, as the ghosts' 'watching' presence is ominous but not directly threatening, potentially diminishing the cumulative tension in the screenplay.
Suggestions
  • Make the ghosts' chant partially audible or use voice-over to reveal key phrases that foreshadow the 'join us' invitation or reference the 1975 events, adding clarity and depth to the supernatural elements without over-explaining.
  • Enhance Riley's dialogue and actions to explicitly tie into her backstory, such as having her touch her scar while speaking, to strengthen character development and make her decisions feel more motivated and relatable.
  • Incorporate subtle sound design cues, like a low-frequency hum or distorted echoes, to heighten the tension and guide the audience's emotional response, ensuring the horror feels more immersive and less reliant on visual descriptions alone.
  • Refine the pacing by adding a brief pause after the ghosts speak in unison, allowing time for Riley and Lilly's reactions to register, which could build empathy and make the transition to the next scene in Riley's room more seamless and impactful.
  • Strengthen the link to the previous scene by including a auditory callback, such as faint canned laughter from Brooke's hallucination echoing in the background, to maintain continuity and remind viewers of the escalating dangers, thus increasing the overall narrative cohesion.



Scene 27 -  Haunted Confessions
INT. RILEY’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Riley and Lilly slip inside, slam the door behind them --
lock the door.
The room feels smaller than before -- its walls hum faintly.
Riley sets her lantern on the desk. The glow is pale --
watery.
Both girls slide to the floor, backs to the bed, breathing
hard.
For a long beat -- only their breathing and the moan of the
blizzard.
Riley pulls the silver hairbrush from her coat pocket.
She sits cross-legged, hands shaking, and begins teasing the
strands out, braiding them with trembling precision.
LILLY
You’re really doing this witchcraft
shit?
Riley keeps her eyes on the bristles, fingers working faster.

RILEY
Hair binds the living. Blood opens
the door.
LILLY
She started all this, didn’t she?
Riley doesn’t answer immediately.
She just keeps braiding, jaw tight.
RILEY
She made a bargain. And the house
kept her young.
The crude hair doll takes shape in her trembling hands.
Lilly edges closer.
LILLY
The game is going to keep coming
after us until we finish it... Hey,
Riley, can I ask you something?
RILEY
Yeah, anything.
LILLY
The scar on your neck. How'd you
get it?
Riley’s hands falter. The doll trembles in her grip.
RILEY
His name was Ethan...
Senior year. He’d... wait outside
my classes. Found my locker
combination. Started leaving me
notes. Photos. The kind you don’t
know are being taken until you see
yourself in them.
Lilly’s arms cross over herself, shivering.
RILEY (CONT'D)
I told the school. My mom. The
cops. No one took me seriously
until --
She pulls her collar down, revealing the jagged scar across
her neck.

RILEY (CONT'D)
Until the night he broke into my
room... and tried to kill me.
Lilly grips her arm, horrified.
Riley looks up, meeting Lilly’s eyes.
She dangles the hair doll from her hand --
It sways, crude and grotesque.
From somewhere in the vents --
A faint, muffled RING.
Both girls freeze.
Riley clutches the hair doll tighter, jaw set.
Riley stands -- moves to the desk.
The lantern flickers.
Then --
A faint CLICK behind her -- like a camera shutter.
She whirls --
Nothing.
Another click.
Suddenly --
POLAROIDS fall from the ceiling, one by one, like the house
is feeding them into the room.
They flutter to the floor.
Lilly picks one up --
INSERT: Riley in the library tonight.
Another drops.
INSERT: Riley standing in front of her mirror earlier, shirt
collar down, scar exposed.
Another.
INSERT: The two of them in this very room, right now, looking
down at the Polaroids.

Lilly drops the photo, backs up.
LILLY
Oh God, no. No.
Floorboards CREAK. Slow. Heavy.
Riley forces herself to breathe.
Floorboards CREAK louder, closer.
The wood under the desk BULGES.
CREAK. CRACK!
Suddenly --
A HAND BURSTS THROUGH --
Long fingers blackened at the nails.
Another hand follows.
Floorboards SHRIEK.
They buckle --
SPLIT wide --
ETHAN rises. Slowly.
He unfolds like a marionette pulled through the floorboards
by invisible strings.
His spine uncoils with a wet pop -- vertebrae stretching.
His arms hang strangely low -- fingertips brushing the floor.
A smile cuts across his face --
Too wide. Too still.
His eyes blink, glowing sickly yellow.
Riley stumbles back. Clutches the knife and the hair doll.
Riley’s gaze fixes on Ethan.
The room fractures.
Space bends around him.
Lines stutter.

ETHAN SPLITS.
Two versions of him now -- side by side -- flicker in
different rhythms -- out of sync.
One smiles, frozen.
One shivers, mouth twitching with animal static.
Both turn toward her.
RILEY
(whisper, barely audible)
Ethan...
The edges of her vision smear. Light stutters. The room
breathes.
She shuts her eyes tight.
Inhales -- in four. Hold. Out six.
When she opens them --
Only one Ethan remains.
He grins. Tilts his head -- his voice a hiss of static and
velvet --
ETHAN
You're not done being mine.
He lunges toward her --
The floor splinters under his weight.
Riley retreats -- all she can do is run.
She grabs Lilly’s arm as she bolts for the door.
Behind them --
Polaroids lift into the air, spiraling like birds -- snapping
more and more pictures as they flee --
FLASH!
FLASH!
FLASH!
A rising, high-pitched camera WHINE builds to distortion.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Thriller"]

Summary In a confined bedroom during a blizzard, Riley and Lilly confront the haunting presence of Riley's past. As Riley braids hair into a doll, she reveals her traumatic experience with a stalker named Ethan, whose supernatural manifestation threatens them both. The room distorts with eerie visuals and sounds, culminating in a terrifying chase as they flee from Ethan's menacing presence.
Strengths
  • Effective use of supernatural elements
  • Intense atmosphere and tension-building
  • Strong character interactions and development
  • Compelling plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Possible need for clearer resolution or payoff to some supernatural elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively builds tension through a combination of eerie supernatural occurrences, character revelations, and a sense of impending danger. The execution is strong, creating a chilling atmosphere and engaging the audience with a mix of horror and thriller elements.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene, focusing on the haunted house and the mysterious game, is intriguing and well-developed. It introduces supernatural elements in a compelling way and sets the stage for further exploration of the story.

Plot: 9.3

The plot of the scene is gripping, with a strong emphasis on escalating tension and supernatural events. It moves the story forward significantly and introduces new elements that deepen the mystery surrounding the haunted house.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on supernatural horror by intertwining themes of trauma and survival with a haunting presence from the past. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9.1

The characters in the scene are well-developed and react realistically to the supernatural events unfolding around them. Their interactions and dialogue add depth to the narrative and enhance the overall tension.

Character Changes: 9

The character of Riley undergoes a significant change in the scene, confronting her past trauma and facing new supernatural threats. This experience deepens her character arc and drives her actions moving forward.

Internal Goal: 9

Riley's internal goal in this scene is to confront her past trauma and face the entity that haunts her. This reflects her need for closure, her fear of being controlled by her past, and her desire to protect herself and her friend Lilly.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to survive the supernatural threat represented by Ethan, the entity from her past. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of escaping the haunting presence and protecting herself and Lilly.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.4

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing supernatural threats and personal fears. The escalating tension and the introduction of new dangers increase the stakes and drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the supernatural entity posing a significant threat to the protagonists. The uncertainty of how they will overcome this opposition adds to the scene's suspense and intensity.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are high, with the characters facing supernatural threats, personal fears, and the consequences of past actions. The escalating tension and the introduction of new dangers raise the stakes and create a sense of urgency.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new elements, escalating the conflict, and deepening the mystery surrounding the haunted house. It sets the stage for further developments and revelations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden appearance of the supernatural entity and the escalating tension that keeps the audience on edge. The unexpected twists and turns add to the scene's suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around themes of control, trauma, and the past's influence on the present. Riley's struggle with her traumatic past and the entity that represents it challenges her beliefs about agency, power, and the nature of fear.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.2

The scene has a strong emotional impact, evoking fear, dread, and shock in the audience. The characters' reactions and the supernatural events create a sense of unease and suspense that resonates with the viewer.

Dialogue: 8.8

The dialogue in the scene is effective in conveying the characters' emotions and motivations. It adds to the atmosphere of fear and uncertainty, driving the plot forward and revealing key information.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense atmosphere, suspenseful buildup, and the characters' emotional depth. The escalating danger and the characters' reactions keep the audience invested in the unfolding events.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with well-timed moments of revelation and action. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness in conveying the characters' emotions and the escalating danger.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene's formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, effectively guiding the reader through the unfolding events and character interactions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and suspense. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in conveying the escalating danger and emotional intensity.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by continuing the supernatural horror from previous scenes, using familiar elements like the ringing phone and Polaroids to create a sense of escalating dread. However, the rapid shift from a personal, emotional revelation about Riley's scar and backstory to the immediate supernatural attack feels abrupt, potentially undermining the emotional impact of the trauma reveal. This quick transition might leave readers or viewers feeling that the backstory is being used primarily as a setup for the horror rather than allowing it to breathe and deepen character development.
  • The manifestation of Ethan is a strong callback to the opening scene, reinforcing the theme of persistent trauma and tying the personal horror to the supernatural elements. That said, the visual description of Ethan splitting into two flickering versions could confuse audiences if not executed clearly in filming, as it introduces a surreal, glitchy effect that might detract from the realism of the horror without sufficient buildup or explanation. This could make the scene feel overly chaotic, reducing its effectiveness in building sustained fear.
  • Dialogue in the scene, particularly Riley's recounting of her experience with Ethan, serves to provide necessary backstory but comes across as somewhat expository and on-the-nose. While it humanizes Riley and connects her personal history to the current events, the delivery feels rushed and could benefit from more nuanced interaction between Riley and Lilly, such as Lilly prompting with questions or showing more varied emotional responses, to make the exchange feel more natural and less like an info-dump.
  • The use of sensory details, like the humming walls, flickering lantern, and the high-pitched camera whine, excellently heightens the atmosphere and immerses the audience in the horror. However, the scene's reliance on these elements might overwhelm the emotional core, as the focus shifts heavily to visual and auditory scares in the latter half, potentially overshadowing the character-driven moments earlier. This imbalance could make the horror feel more generic if the personal stakes aren't adequately emphasized throughout.
  • Overall, the scene advances the plot by escalating the supernatural threat and forcing Riley and Lilly to flee, maintaining the script's pacing in a thriller-horror context. Yet, as scene 27 in a 39-scene script, it might be pushing the characters into a repetitive cycle of evasion without sufficient progression toward resolution, especially since similar escape sequences occur in prior scenes. This could risk fatiguing the audience if the horror beats aren't varied enough to keep the tension fresh and evolving.
Suggestions
  • Slow down the pacing of Riley's backstory reveal by interspersing it with more descriptive actions or subtle supernatural hints, such as faint sounds or visual distortions, to build tension gradually and allow the emotional weight to resonate before the attack escalates.
  • Clarify the supernatural mechanics, particularly Ethan's splitting effect, by adding subtle foreshadowing in earlier scenes or through Riley's internal monologue to make it less confusing and more integrated with the story's themes of trauma and distortion.
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more conversational and less expository; for example, have Lilly react with specific questions or shared experiences to create a back-and-forth that feels organic, enhancing character depth and emotional connection.
  • Balance the horror elements by ensuring that sensory details support rather than overshadow character emotions; consider adding moments where Riley's breathing exercises are shown to momentarily ground the scene, emphasizing her agency and tying back to her coping mechanisms introduced earlier.
  • Vary the horror beats to avoid repetition; introduce a new element or twist in this scene, such as the hair doll playing a more active role in warding off Ethan, to advance the plot and differentiate it from similar chase or manifestation scenes in the script.



Scene 28 -  Hallway of Shadows
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT
Polaroids whirl mid-air, flashes etching ghost light into the
wallpaper.
Riley and Lilly rush down the hallway.
Riley tries a doorknob -- LOCKED.
Another -- LOCKED.
Then --
BREATHING. Heavy. Wet. Close.
Riley spins, her lantern beam slicing through the dark --
Nothing.
A door at the far end SLAMS open -- the echo shatters the
silence.
A WOMAN’S SILHOUETTE fills the glow.
SUE.
Still. Regal. Poise carved from ice.
Riley’s pulse spikes.
She turns to Lilly --
LILLY IS GONE.
She whips the beam back down the corridor --
Sue’s silhouette -- gone too.
The walls quiver.
Air bends.
Light warps like heat rising off asphalt.
Then --
The hallway MELTS INTO GLASS.
Behind the glass --
An endless, SURREAL DANCE FLOOR bathed in pulsing pink and
cobalt blue, the colors of bruises.

Couples twirl in looping rhythm, their laughter warped --
skipping like a broken record.
Riley steps closer. Mesmerized.
Gary holds Chelsea, spinning her lazily. Her eyes glassy --
smile stretched too wide.
Dean dips Brooke, their movements stuttered, puppet-like.
At the center --
SUE.
Twenty again. Perfect hair. Crimson mouth.
She doesn’t dance. She watches.
A vinyl SCRATCH -- Sue's eyes lock onto Riley's.
A cold smile flickers, thin as a razor.
The dance floor strobes faster --
Laughter turns to SHRIEKS.
Limbs bend wrong. Spines shudder.
Necks crack -- heads spin like loose dolls.
From the crowd -- a SHAPE tears loose. Broad. Predatory.
ETHAN.
His grin slices through the neon haze.
Eyes burning gold. Feral. Hungry.
The mirrored glass BULGES, rippling like skin stretched too
tight.
Each step he takes warps the reflection around him.
His hand finds the glass -- tender, almost loving.
CRACK.
Fractures web outward, glinting like veins of lightning.
Then --
SMASH!
The mirror ERUPTS --

Shards slice the air, whistling past Riley’s face.
She stumbles back, boots grinding glass to dust.
Inside the mirror --
The music stops.
Every dancer freezes mid-motion.
Their heads SNAP toward her in unison.
Necks crack. Smiles split wide.
At the center -- Sue watches.
Ethan presses forward --
His torso pushes through the shattered pane, shoulders
dislocating to fit through.
His body moves wrong, boneless, serpentine.
The mirror world behind him darkens.
The dancers melt into silhouettes.
Their limbs blur -- elegance unraveling.
A black tide seeps up from the floorboards -- thick and
soundless, devouring their forms.
One by one, they slip under like film negatives dissolving in
acid.
Suddenly --
Ethan stands face-to-face with Riley.
ETHAN
I told you, Riley. You'll
always be mine.
Riley staggers back -- the corridor closes around her.
The mirrors hum -- vibrating with laughter.
Ethan LUNGES at Riley --
Riley ducks -- RUNS.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Thriller"]

Summary In a nightmarish scene, Riley rushes down a distorted hallway filled with supernatural elements, searching for her missing friend Lilly. As she encounters the ominous silhouette of Sue and a surreal dance floor where distorted couples twirl, the atmosphere shifts from eerie to terrifying. Ethan emerges as a predatory figure, confronting Riley with a possessive threat before lunging at her. The scene culminates in chaos as the environment warps and shatters, leaving Riley to escape the encroaching danger.
Strengths
  • Atmospheric setting
  • Supernatural elements
  • Character dynamics
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Sparse dialogue
  • Potential for confusion in hallucinatory sequences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through its eerie setting, supernatural elements, and menacing characters. The seamless transition between reality and hallucination, along with the high stakes and emotional impact, contribute to a compelling and intense viewing experience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of blending horror, supernatural elements, and psychological terror in a surreal setting is intriguing and well-developed. The scene explores themes of fear, manipulation, and distorted realities, engaging the audience in a complex and immersive narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is intricately woven with elements of mystery, character development, and escalating conflict. The introduction of hallucinations, menacing characters, and high stakes drives the narrative forward and keeps the audience engaged.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality with its fresh approach to horror and surrealism. The distorted dance floor, menacing characters, and eerie transformations add a unique twist to familiar themes. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue contributes to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene face intense psychological challenges, revealing their fears, vulnerabilities, and inner conflicts. The interactions between Riley, Lilly, Sue, and Ethan add depth to the narrative and contribute to the overall sense of dread and suspense.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo significant emotional and psychological changes in the scene, facing their fears, vulnerabilities, and inner demons. The encounter with supernatural forces and distorted realities challenges their perceptions and beliefs, leading to personal growth and transformation.

Internal Goal: 9

Riley's internal goal in this scene is to confront her fears and navigate the surreal and threatening environment she finds herself in. This reflects her deeper need for courage and resilience in the face of danger.

External Goal: 8

Riley's external goal is to escape the menacing figures and the distorted reality she is trapped in. Her immediate challenge is to survive and find a way back to safety.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, including psychological terror, supernatural threats, and character confrontations. The escalating tension and high stakes drive the conflict to a climactic moment, keeping the audience on edge.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Riley facing menacing and unpredictable threats that challenge her survival. The audience is kept on edge by the difficult obstacles she encounters.

High Stakes: 9

The scene is filled with high stakes, including supernatural threats, psychological terror, and character confrontations that put the protagonists in grave danger. The escalating tension and sense of impending doom raise the stakes to a critical level, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new mysteries, escalating conflicts, and deepening character relationships. The revelations about the past, the supernatural elements, and the high stakes propel the narrative toward a climactic resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden shifts in reality, the menacing behavior of the characters, and the unexpected transformations that keep the audience guessing about what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of control, manipulation, and the blurred lines between reality and illusion. It challenges Riley's beliefs about the nature of fear, power, and the unknown.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.2

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, eliciting fear, suspense, and unease through its atmospheric setting, character interactions, and supernatural elements. The intense emotional impact enhances the overall viewing experience and leaves a lasting impression.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is sparse but impactful, conveying tension, fear, and character dynamics effectively. The use of minimal dialogue enhances the atmosphere of suspense and allows the visual elements to drive the narrative forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense atmosphere, suspenseful pacing, and the sense of impending danger that keeps the audience on edge. The surreal and unsettling elements captivate the viewer's attention.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds suspense and urgency, leading to a climactic confrontation between Riley and Ethan. The rhythm of the scene enhances the sense of dread and danger, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene aligns with the expected format for a horror or supernatural genre, effectively conveying the surreal and nightmarish elements of the setting. The visual descriptions and action lines enhance the scene's impact.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic confrontation between Riley and Ethan. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness in creating a sense of dread and urgency.


Critique
  • The scene effectively escalates the horror through a series of rapid, disorienting transformations, starting with the whirling Polaroids and heavy breathing, which create a palpable sense of dread and isolation. This builds on Riley's established trauma from earlier scenes, particularly her history with Ethan, making the manifestation of Ethan feel personal and terrifying, which helps deepen the character's emotional arc and ties into the overall theme of inescapable past horrors. However, the abrupt disappearance of Lilly without any clear explanation or buildup can feel jarring and disrupts the narrative flow, potentially confusing the audience and weakening the group dynamic that was established in prior scenes, as it shifts focus solely to Riley without sufficient justification or emotional weight.
  • The visual and auditory elements, such as the hallway melting into a glass dance floor, the strobing lights, and the distorted laughter and shrieks, are vividly described and contribute to a surreal, nightmarish atmosphere that fits the horror genre well. This surrealism enhances the psychological terror, reflecting Riley's fractured mental state and the house's curse, but it risks becoming overly abstract or hard to visualize on screen. The rapid succession of events might overwhelm viewers, making it difficult to process key moments, such as the transition from reality to hallucination, which could dilute the impact if not handled carefully in editing or direction.
  • Ethan's emergence and confrontation with Riley are powerful, reinforcing his role as a symbol of her unresolved trauma and adding a layer of body horror with his 'boneless, serpentine' movements. This moment is well-integrated with the script's motifs, like the glowing yellow eyes and possessive dialogue, which echo earlier scares and maintain thematic consistency. However, the scene's reliance on familiar horror tropes, such as mirrors shattering and figures lunging, might feel clichéd if not executed with originality, and the lack of dialogue or internal monologue from Riley during critical beats could miss an opportunity to convey her thoughts and heighten emotional engagement, leaving the audience to infer her fear without deeper insight.
  • The tone of suspense and urgency is maintained throughout, with effective use of sound (e.g., heavy breathing, slamming doors) and visual cues (e.g., warping light and melting dancers) to create a claustrophobic, inescapable environment. This scene advances the plot by isolating Riley and pushing her closer to confrontation, but the sudden shift to a dance floor involving other characters like Chelsea and Brooke, who were last seen in peril, might confuse viewers about their fates or the reality of the events, as it blends hallucination with the supernatural elements of the house without clear delineation, potentially undermining the stakes established in scenes 25 and 27.
  • Overall, the scene is a high-tension set piece that showcases the screenplay's strengths in atmospheric horror and character-driven scares, but it could benefit from tighter integration with the preceding and following scenes to avoid feeling like a disconnected sequence. For instance, the disappearance of Lilly and the reappearance of Sue tie into the house's history, but without stronger connective tissue, it might seem like a series of escalating shocks rather than a cohesive narrative beat, which could affect pacing in a film with 39 scenes.
Suggestions
  • Add a brief moment or subtle foreshadowing in the transition from scene 27 to show Lilly starting to fade or react strangely, making her disappearance less abrupt and more emotionally resonant, perhaps by having her glance back in fear or whisper a warning before vanishing.
  • Incorporate short, internal monologue or voice-over for Riley during key moments, such as when she sees the dance floor or faces Ethan, to provide insight into her thoughts and ground the surreal elements in her psychological state, helping the audience connect emotionally without overloading the visuals.
  • Refine the surreal dance floor sequence by adding unique, original elements tied to the house's curse or Riley's backstory, such as incorporating specific symbols from earlier scenes (e.g., the hair doll or Polaroids) to make the horror feel more personalized and less generic, enhancing thematic depth.
  • Balance the pacing by breaking up the rapid transformations with brief pauses or reaction shots, allowing the audience to absorb the horror and build anticipation, which could involve extending Riley's moment of mesmerization or adding a sound cue to signal shifts between reality and hallucination.
  • Strengthen the connection to other characters' arcs by hinting at their fates in the dance floor (e.g., showing subtle injuries or distortions on Chelsea and Brooke that reference their demises in scene 25), ensuring the scene feels integral to the larger narrative and maintains continuity without relying solely on shock value.



Scene 29 -  Haunted Reflections
INT. UPSTAIRS - BATHROOM - NIGHT
SLAM.
The door shuts behind Riley with a sharp finality.
She twists the lock. Click.
Dark. Silent. The storm is muffled.
Her lantern sits on the counter, its dim glow flickering like
a failing pulse.
The small, tiled room presses in.
Riley leans over the sink, gripping the porcelain until her
knuckles blanch.
Her breath shudders, mouth open.
But no sound comes out.
CLOSE ON HAND
A shard of mirror glass is lodged just beneath her skin.
Blood oozes slowly -- black in the dim light.
She wets a towel. Wipes at the cut.
Behind her --
The mirror waits. Fogged over. Still.
Riley doesn’t look up.
Her reflection barely registers as a blur in the steam.
She rinses her hands again. Slower. Like a ritual.
A drip echoes from the faucet.
Drip. Drip. Drip.
It starts to sound almost -- deliberate. Like footsteps. Like
a heartbeat.
She finally dares to lift her head.
THE MIRROR
Only fog.
Her shape -- a ghost behind glass.

She reaches out...
Fingers hover inches from the mirror’s surface.
Her breath fans across it -- revealing a sliver of
reflection.
Riley -- but --
Something moves behind her.
A flicker in the steam.
She turns.
Nothing.
She faces the mirror again.
The fog has returned. Thicker than before.
But something is writing across it now, slowly, traced by an
invisible fingertip --
“You'll always be mine.”
Riley stumbles back.
The lantern flickers violently, casting shadows that stretch
and slither.
She grabs the lantern -- hand shaking.
Then --
From inside the mirror -- a soft whisper.
ETHAN (V.O.)
Finish the game, Riley.
Riley whirls --
An empty room.
Then --
The lock on the door clicks open -- by itself.
Riley freezes.
Stares at the door -- now slightly ajar.
Nothing on the other side -- only darkness breathing in.

She lifts the towel -- wraps it around her bleeding hand.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Thriller"]

Summary In a dimly lit upstairs bathroom, Riley seeks refuge from a terrifying chase, only to confront supernatural horrors. As she tends to a cut on her hand, eerie occurrences unfold: a foggy mirror reveals ominous writing, and a whisper from Ethan urges her to 'Finish the game.' The tension escalates as the bathroom door mysteriously unlocks, leaving Riley paralyzed with fear in the oppressive darkness.
Strengths
  • Effective use of mirrors as a source of fear
  • Building tension through sound and visual cues
  • Intriguing blend of psychological horror and supernatural elements
Weaknesses
  • Limited character interactions
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively creates a chilling and suspenseful atmosphere, utilizing elements of horror and supernatural occurrences to engage the audience. The tension is palpable, and the use of mirrors as a source of fear adds a unique twist to the traditional horror setting.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of using mirrors as a gateway to supernatural communication and fear is intriguing and well-implemented. The scene effectively explores themes of isolation, fear, and the unknown, adding depth to the overall narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around Riley's confrontation with supernatural forces through the mirror, adding layers of mystery and tension to the story. The progression of events keeps the audience engaged and sets the stage for further developments.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces a fresh approach to psychological horror, blending elements of mystery and supernatural occurrences in a confined setting. The authenticity of Riley's reactions and the eerie atmosphere contribute to its originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

While the focus is primarily on Riley, her reactions and interactions with the supernatural elements drive the scene forward. The presence of unseen characters like Ethan adds to the sense of dread and impending danger.

Character Changes: 8

Riley experiences a shift in her perception of reality and the supernatural, leading to a deeper understanding of the dangers she faces. The encounter with Ethan and the mirror prompts a change in her demeanor and actions.

Internal Goal: 9

Riley's internal goal in this scene is to confront her fears and past traumas, as indicated by her reaction to the message on the mirror and the mysterious voice. This reflects her deeper need for closure and resolution.

External Goal: 7.5

Riley's external goal is to understand the message on the mirror and the voice she hears, which reflects the immediate challenge of unraveling the mystery surrounding her.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Riley grapples with supernatural forces and her own fears. The sense of impending danger and the unknown heighten the conflict, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with mysterious elements and psychological challenges that create uncertainty and tension, keeping the audience on edge.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes in the scene are evident through the supernatural threats, the sense of isolation and danger, and the characters' struggle to confront unknown forces. The escalating tension and eerie atmosphere heighten the stakes for the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new supernatural elements, deepening the mystery surrounding the sorority house, and raising the stakes for the characters. It sets the stage for further developments and revelations.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the blend of psychological and supernatural elements, keeping the audience guessing about the true nature of the events unfolding.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of confronting one's past and the consequences of unresolved issues. It challenges Riley's beliefs about her own agency and control over her life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, eliciting feelings of fear, suspense, and unease. The eerie atmosphere and supernatural elements contribute to a heightened emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but impactful, with the whispered messages adding to the eerie atmosphere. The lack of extensive dialogue enhances the sense of isolation and fear experienced by the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, the gradual reveal of mysteries, and the psychological depth of the protagonist's experiences.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing effectively builds tension and suspense, using pauses and sensory details to enhance the atmosphere and draw the audience into Riley's emotional journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting aligns with the genre expectations, utilizing concise descriptions and impactful scene directions to create a visual and immersive experience.

Structure: 8

The structure effectively builds tension and mystery, following a coherent progression that enhances the scene's atmosphere and narrative impact.


Critique
  • This scene effectively builds suspense and isolation, capitalizing on the horror genre's strength in confined spaces. Riley's actions, such as gripping the sink and dealing with her wound, ground the supernatural elements in a realistic, personal struggle, making her vulnerability palpable and connecting directly to her ongoing trauma with Ethan. This continuity from previous scenes enhances the psychological depth, as the mirror writing and Ethan's voice reinforce the theme of inescapable stalking, which is consistent with the script's overall narrative of unresolved fear and supernatural pursuit.
  • However, the use of common horror tropes, like the fogged mirror revealing ominous messages and the self-unlocking door, feels somewhat predictable and could benefit from more originality to avoid clichés. While these elements create tension, they might not surprise an audience familiar with similar setups in films, potentially diluting the impact in a story already rich with supernatural occurrences. The writing on the mirror, 'You'll always be mine,' is a direct callback to Ethan's character, but it lacks subtlety, making it feel heavy-handed rather than chillingly insidious.
  • Pacing in this scene is generally strong, with the slow build of the drip, fog, and whisper creating a creeping dread that contrasts with the frantic energy of the previous chase scene. Yet, the ritualistic hand-washing sequence drags slightly, risking audience disengagement by focusing too much on mundane actions before escalating to the supernatural. This could be streamlined to maintain momentum, as the scene's strength lies in its brevity and intensity, but the extended description might test the viewer's patience in a high-stakes sequence.
  • Character development is subtly advanced here, with Riley's physical and emotional state highlighting her resilience and coping mechanisms, such as her controlled breathing implied from earlier scenes. However, there's an opportunity to delve deeper into her internal monologue or add more visceral reactions to make her fear more relatable and multi-dimensional. The scene shows her isolation well, but it could explore how this moment ties into her growth arc, especially after revealing her trauma in scene 27, to make her character feel more dynamic rather than just reactive.
  • Visually and aurally, the scene is evocative, with details like the flickering lantern, echoing drips, and whispering voice creating a immersive atmosphere. That said, the reliance on voice-over for Ethan's line might feel disconnected, as it lacks a clear source in the room, which could confuse viewers or make the supernatural elements seem less grounded. Integrating this more fluidly with the environment, such as having the whisper emanate from the mirror or faucet, could heighten the realism and terror, ensuring the horror feels earned rather than imposed.
Suggestions
  • To make the mirror writing less clichéd, incorporate personal elements from Riley's backstory, such as referencing her scar or specific memories from her stalking incident, to make the message more tailored and terrifying, e.g., 'You'll always be mine, just like that night.' This would add uniqueness and deepen the emotional impact.
  • Streamline the hand-washing sequence by condensing the description and focusing more on Riley's internal turmoil or quickening her movements to build urgency, ensuring the scene maintains a brisk pace and transitions smoothly into the supernatural reveals without unnecessary delays.
  • Enhance the voice-over whisper by adding foreshadowing, such as faint echoes or subtle audio distortions earlier in the scene, to make Ethan's intervention feel more organic and build anticipation, rather than appearing abruptly.
  • Add brief internal monologue or sensory details to convey Riley's thoughts and feelings more explicitly, such as her recalling a specific traumatic event or feeling a chill that connects to her past, to strengthen character development and make her reactions more empathetic and engaging for the audience.
  • Consider varying the supernatural elements to avoid repetition with other scenes; for instance, have the door unlock accompanied by a visual cue like shadows moving under the door, or link the mirror's fog to the house's overall curse more directly, to create a fresher take on the horror and better integrate it with the script's thematic elements.



Scene 30 -  The Birthday of Erasure
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
The room sits in stillness.
Lilly bursts inside, panting. Her breath steams in the cold.
Her lantern flickers wildly, casting sickly pulses of green
and blue across the room.
The pink phone pulses, slow and steady -- a grotesque,
heartbeat rhythm.
Then --
A faint POP of balloons.
Music drifts in.
Not just music -- a party song, syrupy and too cheerful,
warped just slightly off-key.
Lilly hugs herself, teeth chattering.
LILLY
(whispering)
Guys...? Brooke? Riley...?
She edges deeper.
The living room SHIFTS --
Streamers sag overhead.
A banner unfurls, letters bleeding into view --
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LILLY!”
A table groans under cake and punch.
The punch bowl glows deep ruby, bubbles rising like blood.
Balloons sway gently, their latex faces drawn with smiles --
too wide.
The crowd arrives --
Phantom guests in vintage gowns and tuxes, all clapping at
once.
Their grins fixed, too many teeth -- their laughter skips
like broken records.

The smell hits her -- cheap perfume, spoiled frosting, sour
wine.
A PHANTOM GIRL brushes through Lilly, leaving behind a wet,
cold slick across her arm, like a slug trail.
LILLY (CONT'D)
Hey! Excuse you!
No response. Her voice evaporates into the warped party
track.
From the crowd -- he emerges --
ZANE. Handsome. Perfectly dressed in a tuxedo.
A rose in his lapel wilts and perks as he smiles. His eyes
glimmer faintly yellow.
The dancers part in sync, their heads swiveling unnaturally
to watch Lilly.
ZANE
There you are. The guest of honor.
He extends his hand. Warm. Solid.
LILLY
You -- you see me?
ZANE
Only you, Lilly.
He pulls her in. They sway.
The crowd CLAPS. Rhythmic. Mechanical -- like a hundred pairs
of hands slapping meat.
Zane spins her out -- raises her arm high like a pageant
queen.
ZANE (CONT'D)
Ladies and gentlemen... your
leading lady!
The crowd CHEERS -- but when they turn their faces toward her
--
Their eyes skip over her.
Look through her. Smile at empty air.
Zane leans in.

Kisses her cheek.
When he pulls back -- a strand of her hair dangles from his
teeth.
It glistens like spun sugar.
He chews it.
Slowly.
With relish.
ZANE (CONT'D)
Mm... Sweet. Just like I remember.
CONFETTI CANNONS POP --
But the falling shreds aren’t confetti.
They’re torn Polaroids --
Smiling mouths. Empty eyes.
Lilly’s name bleeds across a blank card.
She clutches it --
It melts between her fingers.
Ink streams down her wrist.
Her outline flickers, patches dissolving like film caught in
a projector.
LILLY
Riley, where are you?
The crowd encircles her --
Waxen. Smiling. Perfect.
They mime gift-giving, boxes wrapped in pale skin.
Ribbons twitch.
The lids flap open --
Inside --
Strips of her own skin, folded like ribbons. Each one faintly
breathes.
Lilly SCREAMS -- the crowd CLAPS.

The sound tears at her flesh.
A strip peels from her arm.
Then her cheek.
Her throat.
No blood.
No pain.
Only erasure.
She claws at her chest --
Her hands sink through -- grasping --
Nothing.
Her skin lifts away in perfect squares --
Paper-thin, fluttering upward like memories.
LILLY (CONT'D)
Stop this. Stop it!
ZANE
(soft, reverent)
You said you wanted to be
remembered. Now you’ll never fade
again.
He kisses her lips.
When he pulls back --
Her lips stay on his, tearing loose like wet petals.
He spits them aside, smiling wider.
Above them --
The banner writhes.
The letters twist, bleed, reform --
“GOODBYE, LILLY.”
Balloons POP -- one by one --
Each burst releases a tiny, human scream.
The crowd surges closer.

Zane gestures to them, triumphant.
ZANE (CONT'D)
To the girl... no one will forget!
The crowd mimics unwrapping, clawing the air.
Each gesture rips more of her away.
Her hair falls like static.
Her eyes disintegrate into white confetti.
LILLY
(whisper)
I don’t want this.
Her jaw splits down the center --
Paper tearing wet.
Her torso folds inward --
Origami made of flesh and memory.
LILLY (CONT'D)
(whisper, paper-thin)
Riley... help...
Her final shred -- her NAME -- tears from her chest.
It drifts upward --
Glows -- then disintegrates.
The crowd ERUPTS in applause.
Balloons BURST, spraying black slush across the floor.
Zane bows.
The crowd vanishes.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Psychological"]

Summary In a nightmarish transformation of her living room into a grotesque birthday party, Lilly finds herself trapped in a surreal celebration where she is haunted by Zane and phantom guests. As the atmosphere shifts with eerie lights and a bleeding birthday banner, Lilly desperately calls for help while Zane taunts her with promises of remembrance. The party turns sinister as the guests mime gift-giving, revealing strips of Lilly's own skin, leading to her horrifying disintegration. Despite her pleas, she is consumed by the supernatural forces around her, culminating in her complete erasure as the crowd applauds and vanishes.
Strengths
  • Effective blending of horror and surreal elements
  • Eerie and unsettling atmosphere
  • Strong character interactions and transformations
  • High emotional impact
  • Innovative concept and theme exploration
Weaknesses
  • Sparse dialogue may require more depth and development
  • Some transitions between scenes could be smoother

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively combines horror, psychological tension, and supernatural elements to create a deeply unsettling and memorable experience for the audience. The eerie tone, disturbing visuals, and escalating sense of dread contribute to a high rating.


Story Content

Concept: 9.5

The concept of blending a birthday party theme with horror and supernatural elements is innovative and engaging. The scene effectively explores the boundaries between reality and nightmare, creating a unique and memorable experience for the audience.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is intricately woven with elements of terror, mystery, and psychological horror. The progression from a seemingly celebratory event to a nightmarish ordeal adds depth and complexity to the overall narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene is highly original, presenting a fresh and imaginative take on themes of memory, identity, and existential dread. The surreal party setting, the erasure of Lilly's identity, and the haunting imagery contribute to its authenticity and creativity.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene, particularly Lilly and Zane, play crucial roles in driving the tension and fear. Their interactions and transformations contribute significantly to the escalating sense of dread and helplessness experienced by the protagonist.

Character Changes: 9

The protagonist undergoes significant emotional and psychological changes throughout the scene, transitioning from confusion and fear to a sense of desperation and realization. The transformation adds depth to the character arc and drives the narrative forward.

Internal Goal: 9

Lilly's internal goal is to confront her fears of being forgotten or erased. This scene reflects her deep need for recognition, connection, and a sense of identity.

External Goal: 7.5

Lilly's external goal is to escape the nightmarish party and the erasure of her identity. She is trying to find her friend Riley and break free from the surreal events unfolding around her.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.5

The level of conflict in the scene is intense, with the protagonist facing internal and external threats that challenge her sense of reality and identity. The escalating tension and surreal elements heighten the conflict, creating a sense of imminent danger and dread.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Lilly facing a surreal and overwhelming challenge that threatens her identity and existence. The audience is kept in suspense about how Lilly will navigate this nightmarish scenario.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are exceptionally high, with the protagonist facing existential threats to her identity, memory, and sense of self. The escalating danger, psychological manipulation, and nightmarish imagery raise the stakes to a critical level.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new challenges, escalating the conflict, and deepening the mystery surrounding the supernatural events. The revelations and transformations propel the narrative towards a climactic resolution.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of its surreal and nightmarish elements, the unexpected twists in Lilly's experience, and the eerie atmosphere that keeps the audience guessing about what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The scene presents a philosophical conflict between the desire for remembrance and the fear of being trapped in a cycle of memory and identity. It challenges Lilly's beliefs about the nature of memory, existence, and the impact of being remembered.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.3

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, unease, and helplessness in the audience. The nightmarish imagery, disturbing transformations, and sense of isolation contribute to a deeply unsettling and memorable emotional experience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the eerie and unsettling atmosphere, with Zane's lines adding a sense of malevolence and foreboding. The sparse but impactful dialogue enhances the overall tone and tension of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, vivid imagery, and the sense of mystery surrounding Lilly's fate. The surreal elements and emotional intensity keep the audience captivated.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing effectively builds tension and suspense, drawing out Lilly's emotional journey and the unfolding of the nightmarish events. It creates a sense of unease and anticipation, keeping the audience on edge.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8.5

The formatting effectively conveys the surreal and disorienting nature of the scene. It uses visual cues and sensory descriptions to immerse the reader in Lilly's nightmarish experience.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure that enhances the dreamlike quality of the narrative. It deviates from traditional party scenes, creating a sense of disorientation and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene effectively escalates the horror by transforming a familiar space into a nightmarish birthday party, using vivid sensory details like the 'wet, cold slick' and 'spoiled frosting' smell to immerse the audience in Lilly's terror. This surrealism aligns well with the screenplay's overarching supernatural themes, creating a strong sense of dread and psychological horror that fits the cursed game narrative.
  • Lilly's disintegration is a powerful visual metaphor for erasure and the loss of identity, tying into the story's exploration of trauma and memory. However, her sudden appearance alone in the living room feels abrupt, as she was last seen fleeing with Riley in scene 27. This lack of transition could confuse viewers, weakening the emotional impact by not clearly establishing how she became isolated, which might diminish the stakes if her separation isn't justified.
  • The dialogue, particularly Zane's lines, adds a layer of menace and personalization to the horror, making the supernatural elements feel targeted and intimate. Yet, some exchanges, like Lilly's pleas for help, come across as generic and could benefit from more specific references to her backstory or relationships (e.g., with Riley or her friends), to deepen character investment and make her demise more heartbreaking.
  • Pacing is intense and relentless, with a rapid buildup of grotesque events that maintains suspense. However, the density of supernatural occurrences—such as the confetti turning into Polaroids and the body disintegration—might overwhelm the audience if not balanced with moments of respite or clearer visual cues, potentially making it hard to follow in a fast-cut film adaptation.
  • The scene's visual elements are cinematic and evocative, with strong horror imagery like the phantom guests' 'too many teeth' smiles and the melting confetti, which could translate well to screen. That said, there's a risk of repetition with similar motifs (e.g., warping reality, disintegration) from earlier scenes, which might desensitize the audience if not varied enough, reducing the uniqueness of this sequence within the larger script.
  • Thematically, the scene reinforces the idea of the house's curse feeding on personal vulnerabilities, as seen in Lilly's desire to be remembered being twisted against her. This is a strong point, but it could be critiqued for not advancing Riley's arc more directly, since the focus shifts to Lilly's fate. As scene 30 is midway through the script, ensuring it serves the protagonist's journey would heighten its relevance and emotional payoff.
Suggestions
  • Add a brief transitional beat or line of dialogue in the previous scene to explain Lilly's separation from Riley, such as her getting lost in the hallway, to make her isolation feel organic and less jarring.
  • Incorporate more specific details about Lilly's character in her reactions and dialogue, like referencing a personal fear or a memory from earlier in the script, to make her terror more relatable and her death more impactful on the group dynamics.
  • Vary the horror elements by introducing a new sensory twist, such as auditory hallucinations tied to Lilly's past, to differentiate this scene from others with similar warping effects and maintain audience engagement.
  • Trim some of the denser descriptions to tighten pacing, focusing on key visuals like the confetti Polaroids or Zane's kiss, allowing for sharper cuts and building tension more effectively without overwhelming the viewer.
  • Enhance the dialogue by making Zane's taunts more psychologically acute, perhaps by alluding to Lilly's insecurities revealed in earlier scenes, to deepen the horror and make the supernatural threats feel more personal and less formulaic.
  • Strengthen thematic ties by having Lilly's disintegration echo Riley's trauma with Ethan, such as through visual parallels or a subtle callback, to reinforce the script's central motifs and ensure the scene contributes to the overall narrative arc.



Scene 31 -  The Uninvited Guests
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Silence.
The room stands empty.
Cold. Still.
The pink phone pulses softly on the floor.

RING.
Hungry.
Waiting.
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Riley steps into the room -- clutching the black book tight
against her chest.
The living room looks... almost normal.
Brooke and Lilly lounge on the couch, laughing.
An open wine bottle. Cards scattered.
Go Fish.
Their laughter rings too bright -- tuned a half-note wrong.
Riley stops cold.
RILEY
Brooke? ... Lilly?
They look up in perfect unison.
Their smiles hold -- too long. Too wide.
BROOKE
Hey. Finally. You were taking
forever.
LILLY
You missed the party. But don’t
worry -- there’s still time.
The grandfather clock ticks in the corner -- heavy,
mechanical, wet.
TICK. TICK. TICK.
Each tick thickens the air.
RILEY
What’s going on?
BROOKE
We’re fine now. We get it.
LILLY
The house just wanted us to laugh.

Brooke laughs -- a brittle, glassy sound that cracks mid-
breath.
Lilly joins in -- the same rhythm, the same tone.
Their giggles loop, skipping like a broken record.
Riley’s pulse hammers.
Their skin gleams too smooth. Eyes glint too yellow.
Their smiles stretch, trembling at the edges.
A sound comes from the kitchen --
DING.
The oven timer chimes, bright and cheerful, cutting the
silence like a blade through silk.
Brooke and Lilly snap their heads toward it, mechanically.
When they look back -- their smiles are wider.
Their teeth are... different.
LILLY (CONT'D)
Our cookies are ready.
BROOKE
Come see, Riley. You’ll love them.
They rise together, movements slightly out of sync.
As they turn, Riley glimpses their backs --
Fabric seams run down their spines, stitched too tight.
Something dark seeps through the threads.
Brooke tilts her head --
A single drop of wax -- or flesh -- slides from her ear.
Riley steps back --
The clock stops.
Everything stops.
Then --
DING.
Genres: ["Horror","Thriller","Supernatural"]

Summary In a cold, silent living room at night, Riley enters to find her friends Brooke and Lilly behaving unnaturally as they play Go Fish, their laughter eerily bright and synchronized. Despite their cheerful demeanor, Riley senses something is off as she notices their distorted appearances and unsettling behavior. The tension escalates when an oven timer dings, prompting Brooke and Lilly to invite Riley to see their cookies, further heightening her fear. The scene ends with a moment of stillness, punctuated by the timer's sound, leaving an unsettling suspense.
Strengths
  • Atmospheric tension
  • Eerie details
  • Subtle character transformations
  • Suspenseful pacing
Weaknesses
  • Sparse dialogue
  • Limited character interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene excels in creating a chilling and suspenseful ambiance, utilizing various elements like distorted behaviors, eerie sounds, and a sudden shift in the environment to keep the audience on edge. The tension is palpable, and the scene effectively sets up a foreboding atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of blurring reality and illusion, along with the subtle hints at supernatural elements, adds depth to the scene. The idea of a house with sinister intentions and characters trapped in a nightmarish scenario is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 9.1

The plot of the scene is focused on escalating tension and revealing the eerie nature of the sorority house. It effectively builds on the previous events and sets the stage for further developments, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the unfolding mysteries.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar setting of a living room by infusing it with surreal and uncanny elements. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic yet unnerving, adding to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9.2

The characters' reactions and behaviors in the scene contribute significantly to the overall sense of dread and suspense. Their subtle transformations and unsettling actions enhance the eerie atmosphere and add depth to the unfolding narrative.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo subtle but significant changes in the scene, shifting from a semblance of normalcy to a state of eerie transformation. These changes add depth to their personalities and hint at darker forces at play within the narrative.

Internal Goal: 9

Riley's internal goal in this scene is to understand the strange behavior of Brooke and Lilly and to figure out what is truly happening in the house. This reflects her curiosity, fear, and desire for clarity in a situation that is increasingly surreal and unsettling.

External Goal: 7.5

Riley's external goal is to navigate the bizarre situation in the living room and potentially protect herself from any unknown danger. Her immediate challenge is to comprehend the abnormal behavior of Brooke and Lilly and to decide how to respond.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.8

The scene presents a high level of internal and external conflict, with the characters facing eerie transformations, unsettling revelations, and a sense of impending danger. The conflict is subtle but pervasive, adding to the overall tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Brooke and Lilly's unsettling behavior and the mysterious atmosphere creating a sense of conflict and danger that keeps the audience uncertain about the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing supernatural threats, eerie transformations, and a sense of impending danger. The escalating tension and mysterious events raise the stakes and create a sense of urgency and peril for the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new mysteries, escalating the tension, and deepening the sense of foreboding within the narrative. It sets the stage for further developments and keeps the audience engaged in unraveling the secrets of the sorority house.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces surreal elements and unexpected behaviors that challenge the audience's expectations and create a sense of unease and uncertainty.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of reality versus illusion. Riley is faced with a situation where what she perceives as normal is being distorted by the behavior of Brooke and Lilly, leading her to question the authenticity of her surroundings and the intentions of those around her.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.3

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, eliciting feelings of fear, dread, and unease. The eerie atmosphere, unsettling visuals, and subtle character interactions create a sense of foreboding that resonates with the viewers.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is sparse but impactful, with a focus on creating tension and unease through subtle exchanges and eerie statements. The characters' words add to the sense of foreboding and mystery, enhancing the overall atmosphere.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its eerie atmosphere, mysterious interactions, and the gradual unfolding of unsettling details that keep the audience intrigued and on edge.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, using pauses, descriptive details, and character interactions to create a sense of unease and anticipation that drives the narrative forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a suspenseful scene, utilizing spacing, punctuation, and scene breaks to enhance the pacing and atmosphere.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and mystery, following a format that enhances the eerie atmosphere and gradual reveal of unsettling details.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds suspense through subtle supernatural elements and visual cues, such as the unnatural laughter, gleaming skin, and the ominous oven timer, which create a creeping dread that fits the horror genre. However, this relies heavily on atmosphere without advancing the plot significantly, potentially making it feel like a filler moment in a screenplay that's already dense with similar tension-building scenes. As a reader or viewer, this can lead to fatigue if not balanced with progression, especially since Riley's entrance with the black book hints at potential revelation or action that isn't fully utilized here.
  • There is a noticeable continuity issue with the reappearance of Brooke and Lilly, who were last seen in dire states (Brooke lifeless in Scene 25 and Lilly erased in Scene 30). This sudden return without explanation could confuse the audience, undermining the stakes established earlier. In horror storytelling, maintaining logical consistency in supernatural events is crucial to preserve immersion; if this is intended as a hallucination or trick, it needs clearer signaling to avoid breaking the viewer's suspension of disbelief and to strengthen the thematic elements of trauma and illusion.
  • The dialogue, while sparse and eerie, feels somewhat repetitive and lacks individuality, with Brooke and Lilly speaking in unison and using similar phrasing. This can make the characters seem interchangeable and less relatable, reducing the emotional impact. In screenwriting, dialogue should reveal character depth or advance the story; here, it primarily serves to unsettle, but could be enhanced to tie into Riley's personal arc, such as referencing her trauma or the house's curse, to make the interaction more thematically cohesive and engaging for the audience.
  • Visually, the scene is strong with details like the 'fabric seams' and the drop of 'wax or flesh,' which evoke body horror effectively. However, some descriptions are ambiguous (e.g., the seams could be misinterpreted), and the ending on the oven ding feels abrupt, leaving the scene unresolved. This cliffhanger approach works for pacing in a series of scenes, but in isolation, it might frustrate viewers if the payoff is delayed, as the horror builds without immediate consequences, potentially diluting the intensity in a fast-paced screenplay.
  • Overall, the scene captures the psychological terror central to the script but risks over-relying on familiar horror tropes like distorted laughter and mechanical movements. As an educator, I'd note that while this maintains the film's tone of inescapable dread, it could better integrate with the broader narrative by connecting more directly to Riley's journey or the house's history, ensuring that each scene not only scares but also propels the story forward and deepens character understanding.
Suggestions
  • Add a brief visual or auditory cue early in the scene to clarify that Brooke and Lilly are not real, such as Riley noticing inconsistencies (e.g., a reflection that doesn't match or a familiar object misplaced), to resolve potential continuity confusion and heighten the supernatural ambiguity.
  • Enhance the dialogue to make Brooke and Lilly's lines more distinct and character-specific; for example, have Brooke reference her earlier torment or Lilly allude to her erasure, which could deepen the horror and tie into Riley's emotional state, making the scene more dynamic and less formulaic.
  • Incorporate the black book more actively—perhaps have Riley reference or use it during her interaction, like reading a line that contrasts with the false normalcy, to advance the plot and build towards the climax, ensuring the scene contributes to the overall narrative momentum.
  • Amplify sensory details to increase immersion, such as describing the cold air or the sound of the clock ticking in relation to Riley's heartbeat, and consider extending the visual transformations (e.g., more explicit changes in their appearances) to make the horror more visceral and less reliant on subtlety, depending on the desired intensity.
  • Adjust the pacing by either shortening the buildup if it's too slow or adding a small action beat, like Riley attempting to back away or question them more aggressively, to create a better flow into the next scene and maintain audience engagement in this penultimate act.



Scene 32 -  Cookies of Horror
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
The kitchen hums with warmth, impossibly cozy.
Holiday lights twinkle. The smell of sugar and cinnamon wafts
thick.
On the counter --
A tray of fresh cookies, steam curling upward.
Brooke and Lilly wear oven mitts and move in eerie
synchronicity.
BROOKE
We made them just for you.
The cookies look perfect.
Golden. White chocolate chips dot the surface.
Riley, wary, edges closer.
The oven light flickers.
Her face turns pale.
The white chocolate chips are NOT actually white chocolate
chips --
They're HUMAN TEETH.
Brooke plucks one up and blows on it.
She takes a bite --
CRUNCH.
She chews.
Riley gags, staggers back.
RILEY
Oh my God.
Brooke leans forward, teeth clacking as she chews.
The lights flicker. The air grows thick.
In the reflection of the kitchen window --
THREE SHADOWY FIGURES stand behind her --
JANE. CHRISSY. MEGHAN.

Their mouths move, whispering soundless words.
One raises a Polaroid camera --
FLASH!
The brightness blinds Riley --
When her eyes clear --
They’re gone.
From deeper in the house --
Sue’s LAUGHTER. Cruel. Maternal. Carried in the walls.
SUE (V.O.)
(whispers, giddy)
Time to feed the house, girls.
The pink phone SHRIEKS -- metallic, shrill, vibrating like it
wants to run.
Riley whirls.
When she turns back --
Brooke and Lilly are gone.
In their place --
Two lumpy, steaming SNOWMEN.
Their mouths curve into jagged hooks, coal teeth dripping
meltwater -- eyes glowing yellow.
The oven’s heat warps the air around them, snow sloughing off
in wet chunks.
The mitts are still on their twig hands.
Steam hisses where snow meets heat.
SNOWMAN BROOKE
(voice layered, warped)
They’re just for you, Riley.
They step forward -- twig arms twitching like broken
marionettes, splintering the air.
Riley staggers back, eyes darting --
The temperature drops. Her breath fogs.

The pink phone SCREAMS louder, a metallic wail that feels
alive.
The oven door BURSTS OPEN, flames belching teeth instead of
heat.
Gnashing. Grinning. Hungry.
Riley bolts --
RILEY
No. No -- NO!
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Thriller"]

Summary In a cozy kitchen adorned with holiday lights, Brooke and Lilly present cookies to Riley, who soon discovers the horrifying truth: the white chocolate chips are human teeth. As Brooke crunches into a cookie, Riley is overwhelmed by terror. Shadowy figures appear in the window, whispering and taking a blinding photo, while a sinister voice echoes, 'Time to feed the house, girls.' The atmosphere shifts as Brooke and Lilly transform into grotesque snowmen with jagged teeth, advancing menacingly towards Riley. The temperature drops, and the oven bursts open with flames that have gnashing teeth. Overcome with fear, Riley screams and flees the kitchen as the horrors escalate.
Strengths
  • Effective use of supernatural elements
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Shocking revelations and twists
  • Immersive atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through a series of escalating supernatural events, shocking revelations, and eerie visuals. The combination of horror elements, suspenseful pacing, and unexpected twists creates a highly engaging and memorable experience for the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of blending horror, supernatural elements, and mystery in a chilling setting is well-executed. The scene effectively conveys a sense of escalating terror and suspense through the introduction of unexpected and grotesque elements.

Plot: 9.2

The plot of the scene is crucial in building tension and fear, with each event leading to a heightened sense of dread and mystery. The progression of supernatural occurrences and shocking revelations keeps the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding events.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and original concept by subverting the familiar image of cookies with a disturbing twist. The authenticity of the characters' reactions and the surreal elements contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

While the focus is more on the supernatural events and atmosphere, the characters play a vital role in reacting to the escalating horrors. Their fear, confusion, and attempts to navigate the terrifying situation add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

While the characters do not undergo significant changes in this scene, their reactions to the escalating horrors and supernatural events reveal more about their fears, vulnerabilities, and relationships, setting the stage for potential growth and development.

Internal Goal: 8

Riley's internal goal in this scene is likely to confront her fears and anxieties as she encounters the disturbing and surreal events unfolding in the kitchen. Her reactions to the unsettling situations reflect her deeper emotions and psychological state.

External Goal: 7.5

Riley's external goal is to survive and escape the increasingly bizarre and threatening events happening in the kitchen. Her immediate challenge is to navigate the surreal and dangerous situation she finds herself in.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing supernatural threats and escalating horrors that challenge their sense of reality and safety. The tension and fear generated by the conflicts drive the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing increasingly bizarre and threatening obstacles that challenge her perception of reality and safety. The audience is kept in suspense about the outcome of the escalating events.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are incredibly high in the scene, with the characters facing supernatural threats, grotesque revelations, and escalating horrors that challenge their sanity and safety. The sense of danger and the unknown heighten the tension and fear for both the characters and the audience.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new supernatural elements, escalating the tension, and deepening the mystery surrounding the haunted house and its dark history. Each event propels the narrative towards a climactic resolution.

Unpredictability: 9.5

This scene is unpredictable due to its sudden shift from a cozy kitchen scene to a surreal and horrifying scenario. The introduction of unexpected elements keeps the audience on edge and unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around themes of deception, manipulation, and the blurring of reality and illusion. The contrast between the cozy appearance of the kitchen and the sinister events that unfold challenges Riley's perception of trust and safety.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, dread, and suspense in the audience. The shocking revelations, grotesque imagery, and supernatural elements create a sense of unease and tension that lingers long after the scene ends.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' fear and confusion in the face of supernatural events. While not the primary focus, the dialogue adds to the overall atmosphere and tension of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its seamless transition from a warm, inviting setting to a chilling and suspenseful sequence of events. The unexpected twists and eerie atmosphere captivate the audience's attention.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, gradually escalating the stakes as the events unfold. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in creating a sense of unease and anticipation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8.5

The formatting of the scene enhances the visual and emotional impact of the events, effectively conveying the eerie atmosphere and escalating tension. It adheres to the expected format for a genre that blends horror and suspense.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured progression from a cozy setting to a chilling revelation, building tension and suspense effectively. The formatting aligns with the genre's expectations, balancing dialogue and descriptive elements.


Critique
  • The scene effectively amplifies the horror elements established in previous scenes by escalating the surreal and grotesque transformations, such as the cookies revealing human teeth and the characters turning into snowmen, which maintains a consistent nightmarish tone and builds on Riley's ongoing trauma. This visual shock is well-executed, drawing the audience into Riley's disorientation and fear, making it a strong moment of payoff for the supernatural buildup. However, the rapid succession of horrors— from the cookie reveal to the shadowy figures, Sue's voice, the phone ringing, and the snowmen transformation— might feel overly crammed, potentially overwhelming the viewer and reducing the impact of individual scares by not allowing enough time for tension to simmer or for emotional resonance to land.
  • Riley's character arc is portrayed authentically here, with her wary approach and eventual flight showcasing her resilience and familiarity with terror from her backstory, which helps ground the scene in her psychological state. The use of sensory details, like the smell of sugar and cinnamon contrasting with the horrific reveal, adds depth to the horror, creating a false sense of security that heightens the shock. That said, the disappearance of Brooke and Lilly, replaced by snowmen, lacks a smooth transition or explanation, which could confuse audiences if not clearly tied to the game's rules or previous supernatural events, making it feel abrupt and less believable within the story's logic.
  • Dialogue in the scene is sparse but functional, with lines like 'We made them just for you' and 'They’re just for you, Riley' effectively conveying menace through irony and repetition, reinforcing the possessive themes from Ethan's character. However, the synchronicity of Brooke and Lilly's movements and speech might come across as too on-the-nose or theatrical, potentially undermining the subtlety of horror by making the unnatural elements too obvious too quickly, which could benefit from more nuanced buildup to maintain suspense and avoid predictability.
  • The visual and auditory elements, such as the flickering lights, fogging breath, and shrieking phone, create a claustrophobic and immersive atmosphere that aligns with the script's overall style, effectively using the kitchen setting to subvert domestic coziness into terror. Yet, the scene's reliance on rapid cuts and multiple supernatural occurrences in a short span might challenge practical filmmaking, as it could require heavy VFX or editing to convey the transformations believably, and it risks desensitizing the audience to the scares if not paced carefully within the context of the entire film.
  • Overall, this scene serves as a pivotal moment in the climax, intensifying the stakes and pushing Riley towards confrontation, but it could better integrate with the broader narrative by more explicitly referencing earlier motifs, like the Polaroids or the game's rules, to strengthen thematic continuity. While it successfully evokes dread and urgency, the lack of variation in horror tropes—such as repeated use of transformations and voices—might make it feel formulaic, suggesting a need for more original elements to keep the audience engaged and to deepen the emotional layers beyond shock value.
Suggestions
  • Slow down the pacing by extending the moment Riley approaches the cookies, adding subtle hints like an off sound or a visual glitch to build anticipation before the reveal, allowing the horror to unfold more gradually and increase emotional impact.
  • Enhance the transformation of Brooke and Lilly by including a brief auditory or visual cue from the previous scene, such as a whisper or shadow shift, to make the change feel more organic and less jarring, improving narrative flow and audience comprehension.
  • Refine the dialogue to include more subtext or personal references to Riley's trauma, such as Brooke saying something that echoes Ethan's earlier lines, to deepen character connections and make the horror more psychologically resonant rather than purely visual.
  • Incorporate practical effects or simpler visual metaphors for the snowmen and oven flames to ensure they are filmable on a budget, perhaps by using costuming and lighting tricks, while suggesting storyboard variations to emphasize key beats without overwhelming the scene.
  • Add a line or action that ties back to the game's mechanics or Sue's history, like Riley referencing the black book she holds, to reinforce thematic elements and provide a clearer through-line to the resolution, helping to maintain suspense and logical progression in the story.



Scene 33 -  The Invasion of the Snowmen
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
The living room walls THROB as Riley enters.
Wallpaper sweats. Veins pulse beneath it.
Silhouettes press against the windows --
SNOWMEN.
Dozens. Twisted. Hunched -- coal eyes glowing yellow.
Their heads turn in unison toward Riley as she rushes in.
Riley grips the lantern in one hand -- the hair doll in the
other.
She breathes raggedly, steadies herself. Eyes fierce.
RILEY
(under breath)
Name it. Claim it. Fight it.
The first SNOWMAN splinters through the window --
Its head shatters, spewing slush and teeth.
The RULE CARD shakes in Riley’s hands.
Ink crawls, bleeds, smears, REWRITES --
"CLOSE WITH WHAT OPENED TO RETURN SENDER."
Blood rivulets soak the game board’s seams, veining outward
like capillaries.
Her lantern flickers out.
A beat of dead silence.

Then --
WINDOWS ERUPT.
Glass SCREAMS inward --
The blizzard HOWLS through the room, snatching curtains and
body-slamming picture frames.
Through the whiteout --
SHAPES. Dozens. SNOWMEN. Hunched, wrong, coal eyes GLOWING
YELLOW, carrot noses warped into hooks.
Behind them --
DREAM BOYS march in lockstep, smiles pre-set like mannequins.
Their shadows crawl faster than their bodies.
Riley grips the hair doll in one hand and a lighter in the
other.
She inhales -- in four. Hold. Out six.
The phone’s heartbeat syncs with hers -- too fast.
A SNOWMAN rams the window frame and topples in, detonating
into a cyclone of frost.
The slush heaves and cleaves --
A bloodied smile emerges. CHELSEA’S grin, teeth chattering.
SNOWMAN CHELSEA
(taunting, layered)
It’s just a game, Riley. Calm down.
The head splits like clay -- body sags into steaming black
slush, creeping across the rug.
Two more SNOWMEN EXPLODE through.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Thriller"]

Summary In a nightmarish living room, Riley faces supernatural disturbances as twisted snowmen with glowing eyes invade. Clutching a lantern and a hair doll, she whispers a mantra to steady herself. A snowman bursts through the window, causing chaos and rewriting the game rules ominously. As a blizzard tears through the room, Riley struggles to maintain her composure against the taunts of Snowman Chelsea, who mocks her fear. The scene escalates with more snowmen violently breaking in, heightening the horror and urgency.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Menacing atmosphere
  • Surreal and terrifying elements
  • Strong execution of supernatural themes
Weaknesses
  • Possible need for clearer character motivations
  • Complexity of supernatural elements may be overwhelming for some audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through its eerie setting, menacing snowmen, and surreal events. The execution is strong, delivering a chilling and memorable sequence that keeps the audience on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of facing supernatural snowmen and cryptic messages in a surreal setting is intriguing and effectively executed. The scene's unique elements and escalating horror contribute to a strong concept.

Plot: 9.2

The plot of the scene is intense and engaging, with the characters facing escalating supernatural threats and cryptic challenges. The stakes are high, and the conflict drives the narrative forward towards a climactic confrontation.

Originality: 9

The scene showcases a high level of originality with its unique blend of supernatural elements, intense imagery, and psychological depth. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's authenticity.


Character Development

Characters: 8.8

The characters' reactions to the supernatural events and their struggle against the menacing snowmen add depth and tension to the scene. Their fear and determination enhance the atmosphere of terror and suspense.

Character Changes: 9

The characters undergo emotional and psychological changes as they confront supernatural threats and inner fears. Their reactions and decisions in the face of terror show growth and resilience.

Internal Goal: 9

Riley's internal goal in this scene is to confront and overcome her fears and anxieties. Her mantra 'Name it. Claim it. Fight it.' reflects her inner struggle to face the challenges presented to her.

External Goal: 8

Riley's external goal is to survive the supernatural onslaught of the snowmen and the dream boys invading her living room. She must figure out how to close what opened to return the sender.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.5

The conflict in the scene is intense and escalating, with the characters facing supernatural snowmen, cryptic challenges, and inner fears. The high stakes and menacing threats create a sense of imminent danger and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Riley facing overwhelming odds and mysterious adversaries that challenge her at every turn, creating a sense of uncertainty and danger.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in the scene are extremely high, with the characters facing supernatural snowmen, cryptic challenges, and inner fears that threaten their lives and sanity. The danger is imminent and the tension is palpable.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new supernatural elements, escalating conflicts, and raising the stakes for the characters. The events lead to a climactic confrontation that advances the narrative.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden and surreal events that unfold, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome and the true nature of the threats Riley faces.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of facing one's fears and the blurred lines between reality and illusion. Riley is challenged by the surreal events unfolding before her, testing her beliefs and perceptions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.3

The scene evokes fear, dread, and terror in the audience, creating a strong emotional impact. The characters' struggles, the surreal setting, and the escalating horror elements intensify the emotional response.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys fear, tension, and cryptic messages, adding to the atmosphere of dread and confusion. The characters' interactions and reactions heighten the suspense and horror.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, vivid descriptions, and the sense of mystery and danger that keeps the audience on edge.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds suspense and tension, drawing the audience into the escalating conflict and maintaining a sense of urgency throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene aligns with its genre, effectively conveying the surreal and supernatural elements through visual descriptions and action sequences.

Structure: 8

The scene follows an unconventional structure that enhances its eerie and suspenseful atmosphere. It deviates from traditional norms to create a sense of disorientation and tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively escalates the horror by building on Riley's ongoing trauma and the supernatural elements established earlier in the script. The throbbing walls and pulsing veins under the wallpaper create a visceral, body-horror atmosphere that immerses the audience in the house's malevolence, reinforcing the theme of the house as a living entity that feeds on fear. This ties back to the overall narrative where the sorority house's dark history is central, making Riley's confrontation feel like a culmination of the building dread.
  • Riley's use of the mantra 'Name it. Claim it. Fight it.' is a strong character beat, showcasing her psychological coping mechanism developed from her past attack by Ethan. It humanizes her in the midst of chaos, allowing the audience to connect with her internal struggle, but it could be more impactful if it were shown through subtler actions or facial expressions to avoid feeling repetitive if this is a recurring device.
  • The visual elements, such as the snowmen with glowing yellow eyes turning in unison and the rule card rewriting itself, are highly cinematic and add to the suspense. However, the rapid succession of events—snowmen breaking through windows, the blizzard invading, and dream boys appearing—might overwhelm the viewer, potentially making the scene feel chaotic and hard to follow. In a film adaptation, this could translate to visual noise that dilutes the tension if not carefully paced in editing.
  • The dialogue, particularly Snowman Chelsea's taunt 'It’s just a game, Riley. Calm down,' is concise and effective in heightening psychological horror by echoing Riley's personal fears and the game's rules. It serves as a reminder of the characters' fates and the blending of reality with the supernatural, but it risks feeling on-the-nose if not delivered with nuance, as it directly addresses the audience's understanding of the plot.
  • The scene's structure maintains a strong sense of escalation, starting with a moment of relative calm (Riley steadying herself) and building to explosive action, which is appropriate for a penultimate scene. However, the lack of resolution or a clear progression towards the climax might leave the audience disoriented, especially since it ends abruptly with the invasion intensifying. This could be mitigated by ensuring that the scene advances the plot meaningfully, such as deepening Riley's resolve or revealing more about the 'return sender' mechanic.
  • In terms of tone, the scene successfully amplifies the eerie, suspenseful horror established throughout the script, with elements like the syncing heartbeat between Riley and the phone adding a layer of intimacy to the terror. Yet, the heavy reliance on supernatural visuals might overshadow Riley's emotional journey, making her feel like a reactive character rather than a proactive one, which could be balanced by incorporating more of her agency in combating the threats.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more varied sensory details, such as specific sounds (e.g., the crunch of snow or the whisper of wind) or tactile elements (e.g., the cold slush on Riley's skin), to enhance immersion and make the horror more multi-dimensional without overloading the visuals.
  • Refine the rule card's rewriting to include a brief, subtle flashback or voice-over reference to earlier scenes where the game's rules were introduced, ensuring clarity for the audience and reinforcing the lore without exposition dumps.
  • Add a moment of Riley's internal reflection or a physical action that shows her growth, such as hesitating before using her mantra or drawing on her scar for strength, to deepen character development and make her fight feel more personal and earned.
  • Vary the pacing by inserting a brief pause or a false sense of security after the first snowman breaks through, allowing the audience to catch their breath before the next escalation, which can heighten the impact of the subsequent invasions.
  • Consider reducing the number of identical threats (e.g., multiple snowmen exploding in) and introduce a unique element, like a dream boy manifesting in a way that ties back to Riley's history with Ethan, to keep the action dynamic and avoid repetition.
  • Ensure the scene transitions smoothly to the next by ending with a clear hook, such as Riley grabbing a specific item or making a decisive move, to maintain momentum and guide the audience towards the resolution in scene 34.



Scene 34 -  Nightmare Ascension
INT. STAIRS - NIGHT
Riley scales the staircase.
It stretches, elongating like a tongue.
Steps ripple under her boots.
Above her --

DREAM BOYS crawl along rafters like spiders, heads craning at
impossible angles.
DREAM BOYS (V.O.)
(overlapping)
Join us, Riley.
RILEY
You’re not real.
Riley lunges up the stairs, each step buckling behind her.
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT
Riley sprints down the hallway.
Faces press from the plaster in silent SCREAMS.
Hair threads push from seams.
The hall STRETCHES -- doors smooth into a featureless wall,
then reappear farther away.
Two SNOWMEN DETONATE through windows -- collapse to black
puddles -- then reform.
Behind her --
A SNOWMAN drops to all fours -- galloping spider-like toward
her.
INT. UPSTAIRS LANDING - NIGHT (SAME TIME)
Sue steps into guttering candlelight, her eyes ancient but
her face youthful.
SUE
Every fifty years, the house must
be fed.
Her hands climb higher...
SNOWMEN SHRIEK in unison.
DREAM BOYS bow like knights awaiting command.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Thriller"]

Summary In this eerie scene, Riley confronts a surreal and hostile environment as she climbs an elongating staircase, taunted by the Dream Boys above. She races through a distorted hallway where faces emerge from the walls and snowmen chase her in a nightmarish fashion. Meanwhile, Sue reveals the house's sinister need to be fed every fifty years, commanding the entities around her. The tension escalates as Riley resists the supernatural forces, culminating in a chilling moment of submission from the Dream Boys and the shrieking snowmen.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Eerie atmosphere
  • Supernatural elements
  • High-stakes confrontations
Weaknesses
  • Possible confusion due to complex supernatural elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively builds tension through supernatural elements, eerie visuals, and escalating threats. It maintains a consistent tone of terror and mystery, keeping the audience engaged and on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 9.1

The concept of supernatural entities, a haunted house that needs to be fed, and the high-stakes confrontation with escalating threats is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 9

The plot progression in the scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new supernatural elements, escalating the conflict, and setting up high-stakes confrontations.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its imaginative depiction of a distorted reality, supernatural elements like Dream Boys and Snowmen, and the seamless integration of fear and surrealism. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic within the bizarre setting, enhancing the scene's uniqueness.


Character Development

Characters: 8.8

The characters' reactions to the escalating supernatural events are well-portrayed, adding to the tension and mystery of the scene.

Character Changes: 9

The characters experience changes in their perceptions and understanding of the supernatural events, adding depth to their development.

Internal Goal: 8

Riley's internal goal is to resist the temptation and fear presented by the surreal elements around her. Her disbelief in the reality of the Dream Boys and her determination to keep moving forward reflect her deeper need for courage and resilience in the face of the unknown.

External Goal: 7.5

Riley's external goal is to escape the nightmarish world she finds herself in and survive the supernatural threats chasing her. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of navigating through a distorted reality and evading danger.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.4

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with supernatural entities, escalating threats, and a sense of impending danger creating intense moments.

Opposition: 8.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Riley facing supernatural threats, distorted reality, and her own internal doubts. The audience is kept in suspense about how she will overcome these challenges, adding to the scene's intensity.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing supernatural threats, escalating dangers, and the need to confront the unknown to survive.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new elements, escalating the conflict, and setting up future confrontations.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the constant shifts in reality, the appearance of supernatural entities, and the surreal events that challenge the protagonist's perception of what is real. The audience is kept guessing about the next twist or threat.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene lies in the confrontation between reality and illusion, belief and skepticism. Riley's refusal to succumb to the surreal entities around her challenges her perception of what is real and tests her ability to distinguish between truth and deception.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.1

The scene has a high emotional impact due to the sense of fear, dread, and tension evoked by the supernatural elements and escalating threats.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the eerie atmosphere and escalating threats, adding to the overall sense of dread and tension.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its gripping tension, surreal imagery, and the sense of impending danger that keeps the audience on edge. The unpredictable events and eerie atmosphere captivate the viewer's attention.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and maintains a sense of urgency as Riley navigates through the nightmarish world. The rhythmic flow of events and the seamless transitions between surreal occurrences enhance the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8.5

The formatting of the scene effectively conveys the surreal and nightmarish elements present, enhancing the reader's immersion in the distorted world. It aligns with the genre expectations of a psychological thriller or horror screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a non-linear structure that aligns with its dreamlike and disorienting nature. It deviates from traditional narrative conventions to create a sense of unpredictability and unease, effectively engaging the audience.


Critique
  • The scene effectively ramps up the horror intensity by building on the established supernatural elements, such as the Dream Boys and Snowmen, creating a sense of escalating dread that aligns with the overall script's tone of psychological terror. However, the rapid accumulation of bizarre events—elongating stairs, screaming faces in the plaster, hair threads, and chasing Snowmen—might overwhelm the audience, potentially diluting the impact of individual scares if not carefully paced in editing. This could make the scene feel more like a montage of horrors rather than a cohesive sequence, risking viewer desensitization in a film already saturated with supernatural imagery.
  • Riley's character is portrayed with consistent agency, as seen in her denial of the Dream Boys' reality and her physical responses like lunging up the stairs, which ties back to her coping mechanisms introduced earlier (e.g., breathing exercises). This reinforces her arc as a survivor, but the scene lacks deeper insight into her emotional state, such as internal monologue or facial reactions that could convey her fear or determination more vividly. Without this, the audience might not fully connect with her struggle, especially in a high-stakes moment that should heighten empathy and tension.
  • The visual descriptions are highly evocative and cinematic, with metaphors like 'elongating like a tongue' and 'crawl along rafters like spiders' that paint a vivid, nightmarish picture suitable for horror. However, some elements, such as the hallway stretching and doors vanishing, might be challenging to execute practically in film without clear visual cues, potentially confusing viewers about the spatial layout. Additionally, the concurrent action in the upstairs landing with Sue's revelation feels somewhat disconnected, as it introduces expository dialogue ('Every fifty years, the house must be fed') that could come across as on-the-nose if not integrated more fluidly with Riley's immediate peril.
  • The use of sound and voice-over, like the overlapping voices of the Dream Boys and the Snowmen's shrieks, adds to the chaotic atmosphere and builds auditory tension effectively. That said, Sue's dialogue serves as a key plot point, reiterating the house's curse, but it might feel redundant if similar information was covered in earlier scenes (e.g., scene 20 or 35), potentially weakening the pacing by slowing down the action for exposition rather than advancing the immediate conflict. This could make the scene less dynamic, as the horror elements are momentarily sidelined for lore delivery.
  • Overall, the scene successfully transitions the story toward its climax by increasing the stakes and isolating Riley further, but the blend of physical and psychological horror elements feels somewhat formulaic, relying on common tropes like morphing environments and monstrous pursuits without much innovation. This might limit the scene's memorability in a genre film, and while it maintains momentum from the previous scenes (e.g., the taunt from Snowman Chelsea), it could benefit from more unique twists to differentiate it from standard haunted house sequences.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate brief cuts to Riley's facial expressions or subtle physical reactions (e.g., a close-up of her scarred hand trembling) to convey her internal fear and build emotional depth, making her struggle more relatable and intensifying audience investment without adding lengthy dialogue.
  • Refine the spatial transitions by using clearer directional cues or match cuts (e.g., linking the staircase elongation to the hallway stretch) to maintain geographical coherence, ensuring viewers can follow the action without confusion; this could involve adding a establishing shot or sound bridges to smooth the cuts between locations.
  • Vary the pacing by interspersing moments of quiet intensity—such as a brief pause where Riley catches her breath and whispers her mantra—with the rapid-fire horrors, allowing key scares (like the Snowman chase) to land more effectively and preventing the sequence from feeling relentless and exhausting.
  • Enhance the connection to earlier plot points by having Sue's revelation trigger a quick flashback or visual echo of previous events (e.g., the 1975 ritual), making the exposition feel more organic and reinforcing the theme of cyclical horror without halting the action.
  • Introduce a small, personal element to the horrors, such as a Dream Boy referencing Riley's past trauma with Ethan directly in their taunts, to deepen the psychological layer and tie the supernatural elements more closely to her character arc, increasing the scene's thematic resonance and originality.



Scene 35 -  Descent into Darkness
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT
Riley is boxed in -- SNOWMEN to the front, DREAM BOYS at her
back.

Above her --
The attic hatch CRACKS open --
A hungry glow leaks out.
Sue’s laughter booms from the rafters, a cathedral roll.
Riley grips the hair doll, jaw set.
The only path -- up.
Below her -- FOOTSTEPS.
Multiple Dream Boys climb in unison.
Riley digs out the hair doll.
It writhes faintly. She puts it back in her pocket.
RILEY
Hair binds. Blood opens. Return to
sender, the door closes.
She pricks her thumb on her knife, smearing blood across the
doll’s mouth --
It twitches in her palm as if it just tasted something.
Then --
A hiss at her shoulder -- a whisper as slick as oil, though
no one stands there --
SUE (V.O.)
Come join us, Riley.
Riley ascends -- each rung a pulse of dread.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Psychological"]

Summary In a suspenseful night scene, Riley finds herself trapped in an upstairs hallway, surrounded by menacing Snowmen and Dream Boys. With the only escape route leading to the attic, she performs a desperate ritual using a hair doll, reciting an incantation while battling psychological torment from Sue's taunting voice. As she begins to ascend the attic ladder, the tension escalates, leaving her in a precarious situation filled with dread and supernatural threats.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Intriguing supernatural elements
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion with the multiple supernatural entities
  • Some elements may be too intense for sensitive audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through a combination of supernatural elements, psychological horror, and impending danger. The escalating stakes and the sense of dread are well-executed, keeping the audience on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 9.5

The concept of the scene, focusing on the supernatural entities, the ritualistic elements, and the psychological horror, is intriguing and well-developed. The use of hair, blood, and the return to sender concept adds depth to the supernatural elements.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is intense and engaging, with multiple threats converging on the protagonist and escalating the tension. The scene moves the story forward significantly and sets up high stakes for the next developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique supernatural elements like the hair doll and Dream Boys, creating an original and intriguing setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's authenticity.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, particularly Riley, are well-developed in this scene, facing intense challenges and showing resilience in the face of supernatural threats. The interactions with the otherworldly entities add depth to the character dynamics.

Character Changes: 9

Riley undergoes significant challenges and shows resilience in the face of supernatural threats, leading to a subtle but impactful character change as she confronts her fears and faces the escalating dangers.

Internal Goal: 8

Riley's internal goal in this scene is to confront her fears and face the unknown. This reflects her deeper need for courage and determination in the face of danger.

External Goal: 7.5

Riley's external goal is to navigate through the hallway and escape the Dream Boys. This goal reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.3

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with multiple supernatural threats converging on the protagonist and escalating the tension. The conflict drives the narrative forward and keeps the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Riley facing multiple challenges and unknown threats, adding complexity and uncertainty to the narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with multiple supernatural threats converging on the protagonist and the sense of impending danger escalating throughout. The consequences of failure are dire, adding to the tension.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, setting up high stakes and escalating the tension for the next developments. The revelations and confrontations in this scene drive the narrative towards a climactic resolution.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the supernatural occurrences, unexpected twists, and the mysterious nature of the Dream Boys and Sue's presence.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of fear versus bravery, and the unknown versus the known. Riley is challenged by her own beliefs and values as she confronts supernatural forces.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear, anxiety, and foreboding in the audience. The sense of dread and impending danger creates a strong emotional response, keeping the audience on edge.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the sense of dread and impending danger, with Sue's voice adding an eerie quality to the scene. The sparse but impactful dialogue enhances the supernatural atmosphere.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its suspenseful atmosphere, mysterious elements, and the protagonist's internal struggles, keeping the audience intrigued and invested.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing effectively builds tension and suspense, creating a rhythmic flow that enhances the scene's intensity and impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for the genre, enhancing the scene's readability and impact.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and suspense, fitting the genre's expectations.


Critique
  • The scene effectively heightens tension by placing Riley in a dire, inescapable situation, with supernatural forces closing in from both sides, which mirrors the overall theme of entrapment and cyclical horror in the script. This setup forces Riley to take decisive action, showcasing her growth from a victim in earlier scenes to a proactive survivor, which is a strong character arc element and helps maintain audience engagement in this penultimate horror buildup.
  • The ritual with the hair doll is a clever integration of established motifs from previous scenes, such as the binding power of hair and the significance of blood, reinforcing the screenplay's mythology and providing a sense of continuity. However, the incantation feels somewhat formulaic and could benefit from more emotional depth, as it currently lacks personal insight into Riley's mindset, potentially making her actions feel mechanical rather than deeply motivated by her trauma.
  • Visually, the scene relies heavily on description of the attic hatch and the glow, which adds to the eerie atmosphere, but the whisper from Sue via voice-over might come across as a lazy device if overused throughout the script. In this context, it serves to tempt Riley psychologically, but without a more tangible manifestation, it risks diminishing the immersive quality of the horror, as voice-overs can sometimes feel detached in a visual medium like film.
  • Pacing is tight and suspenseful, with each action—Riley gripping the doll, pricking her thumb, and ascending the ladder—building dread incrementally. However, the scene's brevity (estimated at around 30-45 seconds based on screen time) might make it feel rushed in the context of the larger sequence, potentially overwhelming the audience if similar high-tension moments have been frequent, and it could use a slight expansion to allow the audience to breathe and absorb the escalating stakes.
  • Thematically, this scene ties into the revelation from the previous scene about the house needing to be fed every fifty years, creating a cohesive narrative thread. Yet, it could explore the psychological toll on Riley more explicitly—such as referencing her scar or past encounters—to deepen the emotional resonance and make her decision to ascend feel more weighted, helping viewers connect with her internal struggle amidst the external chaos.
Suggestions
  • Enhance sensory details to immerse the audience further; for example, describe the sticky warmth of the blood on Riley's thumb, the creaking of the ladder under her weight, or the musty odor from the attic hatch to make the horror more visceral and cinematic.
  • Add a brief internal monologue or a quick cut to a flashback of Riley's initial attack by Ethan to heighten the personal stakes and show how her past informs her current actions, making the incantation feel more authentic and emotionally charged.
  • Reduce reliance on voice-over for Sue's whisper by incorporating visual elements, such as shadows coalescing into a vague form or the air distorting around Riley, to maintain a more show-don't-tell approach and keep the audience visually engaged.
  • Extend the scene slightly by describing Riley's hesitation or a small physical struggle, like the doll resisting her touch, to build more suspense and prevent the action from feeling too abrupt, ensuring it aligns with the 45-second screen time of surrounding scenes for better rhythm.
  • Refine the dialogue of the incantation to make it more poetic or personalized, such as incorporating Riley's breathing exercises ('in four counts, hold, out six') into the chant, to strengthen character consistency and provide a subtle nod to her coping mechanisms developed earlier in the script.



Scene 36 -  Confrontation in the Attic
INT. ATTIC - NIGHT
Riley shoulders the hatch.
WHOOF.
The pressure drops.
Cold sucks at her face.
Her breath ghosts white.
The attic yawns like a cathedral -- bigger, longer than the
house should allow.

Rotted rafters vanish into dark ribs.
Snow trickles through split shingles like ash.
At the center of the room lies a chalk-and-salt SIGIL branded
into the wooden floorboards.
Candles burn with black flame.
The game board and pink phone sit in the heart like an altar.
The pink phone THUMPS -- wet, arrhythmic.
Between sigil marks, floorboards hinge open into an OVAL
MOUTH.
Riley steadies.
The scar at her throat prickles like a compass needle.
From the MOUTH --
HANDS rise.
DREAM BOYS climb out, faces flipping like cards --
GARY/DEAN/ZANE.
Their smiles shear open -- teeth razored.
Suddenly --
Bones CRACK -- jaws unspool --
The three bodies KNOT into a single braid of smiles, enamel,
and hair.
Then --
A head PUSHES THROUGH...
ETHAN. Not flesh -- an idea sharpened.
FUSION ETHAN
I never left, Riley. I've always
been watching you. Seeing you.
The rafters SNAP like ribs.
Frost fans across the panes --
Rows of YELLOW EYES blink alive from outside.
A SHADOW peels off the far wall --

Sue, flickering. Perfect hair. Perfect skin. Her smile is
half maternal -- half wolf.
SUE
Tonight... the house collects
again.
Riley’s eyes cut --
Sigil, phone, mouth.
RILEY
You feed it. For what -- beauty?
Sue steps into the half-light.
For a blink, bone shows under the glow.
SUE
For time, dear. For a life where
men don’t bruise and grief doesn’t
wrinkle.
The phone RINGS -- backwards, wet, like metal dragged through
meat.
FUSION ETHAN
Answer it, Riley. Time to finish
the game.
He steps. The boards sink like wet snow.
RILEY
(to herself)
Name it. Claim it. Fight it.
She flicks the lighter -- a flame shivers.
She stares at her bloody thumb, at the doll, at the phone.
Ethan lunges at Riley --
She SPLASHES FLAME --
Fire licks Ethan’s borrowed face.
The knot HOWLS, voices duetting in static and charm.
Riley smears her blood across the doll’s matted lips.
The doll QUIVERS.

SUE
You can’t close what you didn’t
open, dear.
RILEY SPRINTS AT SUE.
They COLLIDE --
Air wrinkles -- the fabric of the room draws tight.
Riley’s knife flashes. She NICKS Sue’s forearm. DARK BLOOD
worms out like ink.
Riley crams the hair doll into Sue’s palm, SMEARS Sue’s blood
over it -- CLAMPS her fingers shut.
The sigil FLARES.
The doll’s hair WRITHES, braiding up Sue’s wrist, elbow,
shoulder like a needle pulling a seam.
Sue jerks.
Her glamour FLICKERS -- something gaunt and ancient beneath.
SUE (CONT'D)
Hold the line!
The FUSION staggers -- splits. Re-knits.
GARY/DEAN/ZANE peel -- then slam back together.
Ethan stands alone. Hungry.
Riley plants a boot on the chalk ring -- drives Sue toward
the mouth, inch by inch.
She heels Sue across the sigil -- yanking her wrists down.
Hair threads gouge into Sue’s veins like barbed wire, pulling
her toward the mouth...
Suddenly --
FLOORBOARDS EXPLODE.
From the seams, SKELETAL ARMS wrapped in hair burst up --
Three HEADS rise, crowned in braided mats --
JANE. CHRISSY. MEGHAN. Their eyes glass-marble, smiles
cracked with ice.
They move with hunger and grief, hair coiling like eels.

They swarm Riley -- gentle and merciless, knocking her off
her feet.
Riley gags as hair slips between her teeth.
Riley screams, kicking, dragged on her back toward the MOUTH.
Her nails dig into the floor -- desperate.
The air pulses with breath. The dark ahead opens wider.
SUE (CONT'D)
(laughing)
The house protects me. Who protects
you, Riley? Who loves you? No one
can love a broken soul like yours.
But this house can...
Riley thrashes -- burning a coil of hair with her lighter.
Screams ECHO up the strands, traveling from skull to skull
like a current.
The girls recoil, but only enough to take a deeper breath.
SUE (CONT'D)
One hundred years ago, I made a
bargain. I made a pact. Not with a
priest or a prince... but with a
Demon. A Demon of lust. His want --
female sacrifices. So I gave it
what it craved. Broken girls with
their soft, foolish dreams. In
return, it gave me time. Youth.
Beauty... Power.
Sue steps closer, almost whispering in Riley’s ear.
Sue’s face flickers -- gaunt and monstrous.
SUE (CONT'D)
You think you can win? There is no
winning. Only feeding.
And tonight... you’re the feast.
Riley’s breath finds the count. In four. Hold. Out six.
She turns to the 1975 girls.
RILEY
You don’t belong to this house or
to her. Let me set you free.
A HUM swells beneath the boards. The black flames quiver.

The 1975 girls’ whispers soften -- their hair loosens from
Riley’s mouth.
Their gazes tilt to Sue -- a recalibration.
The MOUTH widens, hungry.
Riley BITES the pad of her thumb -- fresh blood wells.
She smears it across the sigil with her hand -- it buckles,
chalk peeling back like shedding skin.
RILEY (CONT'D)
Jane Dawkins. Chrissy Salters.
Meghan Siebert. I release you.
The pink phone on the board FLATLINES -- a high, steady tone.
Wind REVERSES -- a TEARING VACUUM yanks SNOWMEN toward the
mouth.
Dream Boys WARP, their smiles cracking like porcelain.
Ethan claws floorboards, his reflection flickering in coal
eyes.
He reaches up -- tapping Riley’s scar with a tender finger as
he slips --
RILEY (CONT'D)
I choose who gets to see me.
ETHAN
(soft, almost kind)
See you in the dark.
He's ripped away -- shredded into hair and teeth as the MOUTH
drinks.
Riley kneels down by Sue, still wrapped in hair.
For the first time, a deep fear flickers in Sue’s eyes.
RILEY
You fed it us. Now it’s time to
feed it you.
Riley turns to the 1975 girls.
SUE
No. Hold the line. Do not break the
circle!
The 1975 girls are no longer under her control.

They watch on -- still. Silent. Free.
Riley plants her feet -- anchors her breath.
With both hands, she drags Sue to the edge of the mouth.
Hair SUTURES through Sue’s chest like barbed floss.
Her eyes cloud like antique glass.
Hair pours from her eyes, nose, and mouth.
RILEY
Return to sender, bitch.
Riley hurls Sue into the MOUTH --
The MOUTH CLAPS SHUT like a book.
Sudden quiet.
Black flames gutter out.
The pink phone -- cracked, embering -- glows once. Then dies.
Riley sprawls on her hands and knees, her chest sawing.
The floor beneath her palm feels warm.
Somewhere below, the house EXHALES.
Locks CLACK open.
Riley staggers upright -- lifts the hair doll --
Now just dead hair and dried blood.
She pockets it like an evidence bag.
Riley stands at the hatch.
She looks back at the missing girls --
The girls smile softly -- then sink through the seams of the
house.
Riley touches her scar.
Inside her pocket, the dead doll’s hair, almost imperceptibly
-- quivers.
Riley inhales -- in four. Hold. Out six.
Then lowers herself down the hatch.

EXT. SORORITY HOUSE - MORNING
Snow crews shovel in silence, their breath rising in white
plumes.
TWO POLICEMEN tape flaps in jagged gusts.
Red and blue lights strobe across the Tudor façade.
EMTs hover around Riley.
She sits slumped, a blanket around her shoulders.
Her hands tremble -- fists still clenched.
EXT. AMBULANCE - MORNING
Riley sits on the bumper. A PARAMEDIC leans close, shining a
penlight into her eyes.
PARAMEDIC
You’re lucky. Hypothermia’s the
real monster tonight.
Riley isn’t listening.
Her gaze is fixed on the house --
At the faint glow in the attic window.
The paramedic clicks the penlight off.
PARAMEDIC (CONT'D)
You’re gonna be fine. Just a couple
of bumps and bruises.
A COP waves Riley toward a waiting cruiser.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Thriller"]

Summary In scene 36, Riley confronts dark forces in the attic of a sorority house, facing Fusion Ethan and the monstrous Sue, who reveals her demonic pact for youth. Using ritualistic methods, Riley fights back, ultimately freeing the spirits of the 1975 girls and banishing Sue and Ethan. The scene culminates in Riley's triumph as she descends from the attic, pocketing a now-inert doll, and transitions to the morning where she is attended by paramedics outside the house, signaling the end of the supernatural threat.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Supernatural elements
  • High stakes
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion due to complex supernatural elements
  • Some dialogue may be overly cryptic or melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is highly effective in creating a sense of terror and suspense, with a well-crafted blend of supernatural elements, character dynamics, and escalating conflict. The execution is strong, delivering a chilling and intense confrontation that keeps the audience engaged and on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 9.1

The concept of the scene revolves around a supernatural showdown in the attic, where characters confront dark forces and make crucial decisions. The use of hair as a binding element, the sinister game board, and the theme of sacrifice and power add depth to the narrative, creating a compelling and eerie atmosphere.

Plot: 9.2

The plot of the scene is intricate and engaging, with multiple layers of conflict, revelation, and resolution. The progression towards the climax is well-paced, keeping the audience invested in the outcome. The scene moves the story forward significantly and sets the stage for further developments.

Originality: 9

The scene showcases a high level of originality with its blend of supernatural horror, psychological depth, and themes of empowerment. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's authenticity.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are well-developed and play crucial roles in the unfolding events. Their interactions, motivations, and transformations add depth to the narrative and contribute to the escalating tension. The dynamics between the characters drive the conflict and resolution of the scene.

Character Changes: 9

Several characters undergo significant changes during the scene, facing their fears, making difficult choices, and confronting dark truths. These transformations add depth to the characters and drive the narrative forward, leading to pivotal moments of growth and revelation.

Internal Goal: 9

Riley's internal goal in this scene is to confront her fears and past traumas, symbolized by the appearance of the entities from her past. She seeks to assert control over her own narrative and identity.

External Goal: 8

Riley's external goal is to defeat the supernatural entities and break free from the influence of Sue and the house. She aims to protect herself and the missing girls from further harm.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9.3

The level of conflict in the scene is intense and multi-faceted, with characters facing off against supernatural entities, dark forces, and their own inner demons. The stakes are high, and the resolution of conflicts drives the narrative towards a climactic showdown.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Riley facing formidable supernatural forces that challenge her both physically and emotionally. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are exceptionally high, with characters facing supernatural threats, dark bargains, and the consequences of past actions. The outcome of the confrontation will have far-reaching implications for the characters and the narrative, raising the tension and suspense to a peak.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, revealing key plot points, resolving conflicts, and setting the stage for future developments. The progression of events is well-structured and impactful, keeping the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists, supernatural elements, and the shifting dynamics between characters. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the confrontation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of power, sacrifice, and control. Sue represents a dark, manipulative force that preys on vulnerabilities, while Riley embodies resilience and the will to break free from oppressive influences.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene delivers a high emotional impact through its intense atmosphere, character struggles, and supernatural elements. The sense of fear, dread, and desperation is palpable, engaging the audience on an emotional level and heightening the tension throughout the confrontation.

Dialogue: 8.8

The dialogue in the scene is impactful and serves to reveal character motivations, conflicts, and revelations. The lines are crafted to enhance the atmosphere of terror and suspense, adding to the overall tension and emotional impact of the confrontation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense atmosphere, dynamic character interactions, and the sense of impending danger. The stakes are high, and the reader is drawn into the unfolding conflict.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is expertly crafted, with a gradual build-up of tension leading to a climactic confrontation. The rhythm of the scene enhances its emotional impact and keeps the reader engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear transitions between actions and dialogue. It adheres to the expected format for a supernatural horror genre.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a non-linear structure that enhances the sense of disorientation and suspense. It effectively builds tension and reveals information in a strategic manner.


Critique
  • This scene effectively serves as the climactic confrontation, resolving the supernatural threats built up throughout the script. Riley's use of the hair doll and her personal trauma (the scar) to fight back is a strong callback to earlier scenes, making her victory feel earned and thematically resonant. However, the rapid succession of events—such as the fusion of Dream Boys, the appearance of the 1975 girls, and the banishment ritual—might overwhelm viewers, potentially diluting the emotional impact due to the density of horror elements crammed into one sequence.
  • Riley's character arc is well-handled here, showcasing her growth from a victim of trauma to an active protagonist who reclaims agency. Her mantra 'Name it. Claim it. Fight it' is a poignant repetition from earlier scenes, reinforcing her coping mechanism and providing a moment of psychological depth. That said, Sue's monologue about her demonic bargain feels somewhat expository and could be more integrated into the action to avoid halting the pace; it risks feeling like a villainous info-dump rather than a tense, organic revelation.
  • The visual descriptions are vivid and immersive, effectively evoking a nightmarish atmosphere with elements like the oval mouth, black flames, and writhing hair. This heightens the horror genre's appeal, but some descriptions, such as the floorboards exploding and the hair threads gouging veins, might be overly graphic or surreal, potentially confusing audiences if not clearly tied to established lore. Ensuring that these visuals align with the film's tone and budget constraints could make them more impactful without alienating viewers.
  • Pacing in this scene is generally strong, building tension through Riley's physical and emotional struggles, leading to a satisfying catharsis. However, the shift from Riley's ritual to the banishment of multiple entities happens quickly, which might make the resolution feel rushed or convenient. Expanding on the 1975 girls' role—perhaps giving them a brief moment of recognition or interaction—could deepen the emotional stakes and make their release more meaningful, rather than it feeling like a sudden deus ex machina.
  • Dialogue and voice-over elements add layers to the horror, with Sue's taunts and Ethan's possessive whispers effectively personalizing the threats. Yet, some lines, like 'Return to sender, bitch,' come across as overly casual or anachronistic in a supernatural horror context, potentially undercutting the gravity of the moment. Balancing horror with Riley's internal monologue could enhance character relatability, ensuring that her actions are driven by emotion rather than just plot necessity.
  • Thematically, the scene ties together motifs of trauma, female empowerment, and the cost of bargains, providing a cohesive end to the narrative. However, the abrupt transition to the exterior morning shots feels jarring, as it shifts from intense horror to resolution too swiftly, possibly leaving viewers without a proper denouement for Riley's emotional state. Integrating a brief moment of reflection could better anchor the audience in the aftermath.
Suggestions
  • Tighten the action sequences by intercutting Riley's internal thoughts or quick flashbacks to her earlier traumas, ensuring that the high-stakes moments are punctuated with emotional beats to maintain audience engagement and prevent the scene from becoming a blur of effects.
  • Refine the dialogue to be more subtle and character-specific; for instance, replace or rephrase lines like 'Return to sender, bitch' with something that echoes Riley's personal growth, such as a reference to her breathing exercises, to keep the tone consistent and heighten the cathartic release.
  • Enhance the magical logic by clearly showing how Riley's use of the hair doll and blood ritual connects to clues from previous scenes; this could involve a subtle visual cue or a line of dialogue that reinforces the rules established earlier, making her solution feel more inevitable and less contrived.
  • Add sensory details to ground the horror, such as the sound of creaking wood or the smell of burning hair, to immerse the audience further and make the attic feel more claustrophobic and real, thereby amplifying the tension without relying solely on visual spectacle.
  • Extend the resolution slightly to include a quieter moment where Riley processes her win, perhaps by having her touch her scar and reflect on her journey, which would provide emotional closure and strengthen the character's arc before cutting to the exterior scenes.
  • Consider pacing adjustments by breaking up the intense action with brief cuts to the house's reaction (e.g., doors slamming or lights flickering) to build suspense and give the audience a moment to breathe, ensuring the climax doesn't exhaust viewers before the payoff.



Scene 37 -  Echoes of the Past
INT. POLICE CRUISER - MORNING
Riley slides into the back seat. The door shuts with a padded
thunk.
The air smells of melting snow and burnt coffee.
She leans her forehead against the plexiglass divider.
Her reflection stares back -- hollow-eyed.
In the rearview mirror --
ETHAN sits in the seat behind her -- his smile gentle.

Riley’s breath stops.
She spins around --
The seat -- empty.
The police radio CRACKLES.
Static builds, shifting into a dial tone.
Then --
RING.
Riley shuts her eyes tight, forcing her breath into rhythm.
She inhales -- in four. Hold. Out six.
The ring cuts off -- abrupt.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Psychological"]

Summary In a police cruiser, Riley grapples with emotional exhaustion as she confronts a haunting hallucination of Ethan, which shocks her into a moment of panic. The eerie atmosphere is heightened by unsettling sounds from the police radio. To regain her composure, Riley employs controlled breathing techniques, ultimately finding a moment of calm as the auditory disturbances cease.
Strengths
  • Effective use of supernatural elements
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Compelling character interactions
  • Eerie atmosphere and imagery
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion due to complex supernatural events
  • Some elements may be too intense for sensitive audiences

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through a combination of supernatural elements, psychological horror, and character interactions. The eerie atmosphere, unsettling imagery, and mysterious events keep the audience engaged and on edge. The execution is strong, with a seamless transition between different elements of horror and a well-paced escalation of fear and dread.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of revisiting past traumas through supernatural occurrences is intriguing and effectively executed in the scene. The blending of horror elements with psychological themes adds depth to the narrative and creates a compelling story arc. The concept of memory manipulation and the haunting presence of past events contribute to the scene's overall impact.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene is driven by a combination of supernatural events, character interactions, and psychological tension. The escalating series of horrors and revelations keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome. The plot progression effectively builds towards a climactic confrontation and resolution.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to depicting a character's internal turmoil in a confined space, using sensory details and subtle cues to convey emotional depth. The authenticity of Riley's actions and reactions adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are well-developed and contribute to the overall sense of dread and tension. Their interactions and reactions to the supernatural events add depth to the narrative and enhance the emotional impact of the scene. The dynamic between the characters and their individual arcs create a compelling story.

Character Changes: 8

While there are no explicit character changes within this scene, the characters' reactions to the supernatural events and their confrontations with past traumas hint at potential growth and development. The experiences they face in this scene could lead to significant changes in their perspectives and relationships moving forward.

Internal Goal: 8

Riley's internal goal in this scene seems to be dealing with a moment of panic or anxiety triggered by her surroundings and possibly her own thoughts. It reflects her deeper need for control and composure in challenging situations.

External Goal: 7.5

Riley's external goal in this scene could be to maintain her composure and focus despite the unsettling events happening around her. It reflects the immediate challenge of staying calm under pressure.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts that drive the narrative forward and heighten the sense of tension and suspense. The characters face supernatural threats, psychological manipulation, and personal traumas, creating a high-stakes situation that keeps the audience on edge.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create uncertainty and challenge the protagonist's control, adding layers of complexity to the unfolding events.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the characters facing supernatural threats, psychological manipulation, and the haunting presence of past traumas. The escalating dangers and revelations increase the sense of urgency and danger, creating a suspenseful and intense atmosphere that keeps the audience on edge.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by escalating the supernatural threats, revealing key information about the characters' past traumas, and setting up a climactic confrontation. The events in this scene drive the narrative towards a resolution and provide crucial developments that propel the story towards its conclusion.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces sudden shifts in the environment and the protagonist's perception, keeping the audience on edge about what might happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 6.5

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between Riley's need for control and the unpredictable nature of the events unfolding around her. This challenges her beliefs about maintaining composure in the face of uncertainty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience through its use of fear, dread, and tension. The characters' struggles, the supernatural occurrences, and the sense of impending danger create a palpable atmosphere of unease and suspense. The emotional impact is central to the scene's effectiveness in engaging the audience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and motivations. The interactions between the characters are tense and laden with subtext, adding to the overall sense of unease and mystery. The dialogue contributes to the development of character relationships and the progression of the plot.

Engagement: 8.5

This scene is engaging because it immerses the audience in Riley's emotional turmoil, creating suspense and intrigue through the use of sensory details and subtle shifts in the environment.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, using pauses and sensory descriptions to control the rhythm of the narrative and enhance the emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, effectively guiding the reader through the character's emotional journey. It aligns with the expected format for a screenplay scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and conveys the protagonist's internal and external conflicts. It adheres to the expected format for a character-driven, introspective scene.


Critique
  • This scene effectively serves as a psychological denouement following the high-stakes climax in scene 36, where Riley banishes the supernatural entities. It summarizes Riley's ongoing trauma by depicting a hallucination of Ethan, directly linking back to the film's opening scene and creating a thematic bookend that reinforces the cycle of fear and violation she endures. However, while this callback is strong, it risks feeling repetitive if not nuanced, as Ethan's appearance echoes earlier jump scares without evolving the horror, potentially diminishing its impact on viewers familiar with the setup.
  • The use of sound design—such as the radio crackling into a dial tone and ringing—mirrors the supernatural elements from previous scenes, like the ominous phone calls in the 'Dream Boy' game, which helps maintain thematic consistency and builds a subtle tension in this quieter moment. That said, the scene could benefit from deeper exploration of Riley's emotional state; her hollow-eyed reflection and breathing exercises are well-described, but they don't fully convey the depth of her PTSD, making her reaction feel somewhat surface-level and leaving the audience wanting more insight into how this event affects her long-term character arc.
  • Pacing-wise, this scene provides a necessary contrast to the frenetic action of the preceding scenes, allowing a breath of calm before the story jumps to the epilogue in scenes 38 and 39. It critiques the screenplay's structure positively by highlighting Riley's resilience through her coping mechanism, but it might be criticized for being too brief and abrupt, with a screen time likely under 30 seconds, which could make the hallucination seem like a cheap thrill rather than a meaningful psychological beat. This brevity might undercut the emotional weight, especially since it's a key moment to show the lasting effects of trauma in a horror film.
  • Visually and thematically, the scene is concise and evocative, using the confined space of the police cruiser to symbolize Riley's entrapment in her memories, much like the sorority house represented broader themes of confinement and legacy. A potential weakness is the lack of innovation in the hallucination trope; Ethan's gentle smile and the empty seat reveal are standard horror elements that could be more original to better serve the story's unique supernatural elements, such as the snowmen or the 'Dream Boy' game, ensuring it doesn't feel derivative.
  • Overall, this scene successfully transitions the narrative from supernatural horror to psychological realism, critiquing the film's exploration of trauma by showing that defeating external threats doesn't immediately resolve internal ones. It helps the reader understand Riley's character growth—or lack thereof—as she relies on her breathing exercises, a technique introduced earlier, but it could be improved by adding layers of ambiguity or foreshadowing the cyclical nature of the curse hinted at in the final scenes, making it a stronger bridge to the ending.
Suggestions
  • Extend the scene slightly to delve deeper into Riley's internal monologue or add subtle physical reactions, such as her hands trembling or a flashback cut to the opening scene, to heighten the emotional resonance and make the hallucination more impactful without rushing the moment.
  • Incorporate more sensory details or unique visual effects to differentiate this hallucination from earlier ones; for example, have Ethan's image distort in the mirror to reflect the supernatural elements, like flickering with yellow eyes or blending with the radio static, to tie it more cohesively to the film's horror motifs.
  • Enhance the psychological depth by including a line of dialogue or voice-over where Riley questions her sanity or recalls a specific traumatic event, reinforcing her character arc and providing closure or setup for the themes in scenes 38 and 39, ensuring the audience feels the weight of her experience.
  • Adjust the pacing by adding a brief pause or reaction shot after the ringing stops, allowing the audience to absorb the tension and emphasizing Riley's coping mechanism as a triumph, which could make the scene feel less abrupt and more integral to the story's resolution.
  • Consider adding foreshadowing elements, such as a faint hum from the radio that echoes the 'Dream Boy' phone or a subtle clue about the house's curse, to connect this scene more explicitly to the cyclical threat revealed in scene 39, strengthening the overall narrative cohesion and thematic payoff.



Scene 38 -  A Welcome with Unease
EXT. SORORITY HOUSE - DAY
Spring. Sunshine. Birds.
The Tudor gleams. Shutters painted. Flower boxes spill with
color.
SUPER: SIX MONTHS LATER
A banner flutters over the door --
“WELCOME, SISTERS!”
A U-Haul sits open. Music bounces from a Bluetooth speaker.
Girls laugh, their voices bright and new.
INT. FOYER - DAY
Three sorority sisters -- KAYLA (20), ZOE (19), MIA (19) --
stumble in, arms full of boxes.
KAYLA
This place is a literal Pinterest
board.
MIA
Do you smell that? It’s like
flowers... but rotten.
They set the boxes down.
A cold draft snakes across their ankles.

The chandelier above TINKS faintly, swaying though no window
is open.
ZOE
Did someone leave a window cracked?
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Mystery"]

Summary On a sunny spring day, three sorority sisters—Kayla, Zoe, and Mia—move into their newly decorated Tudor-style house, filled with excitement and laughter. However, their joy is interrupted by a strange rotten smell, an unexplained cold draft, and a swaying chandelier, creating an unsettling atmosphere that hints at something ominous lurking within their new home.
Strengths
  • Effective use of supernatural elements
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Creating an eerie atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene
  • Dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and fear through its eerie descriptions, supernatural elements, and unsettling interactions between characters. The incorporation of horror and mystery genres is well-executed, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of a haunted sorority house with supernatural occurrences and mysterious events is intriguing and well-developed. The scene effectively explores the theme of fear and the unknown, keeping the audience engaged with its eerie setting and interactions.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around the discovery of unsettling events in the sorority house, setting up a mysterious and suspenseful narrative. The progression of tension and fear is well-paced, leading to a climactic moment that leaves the audience on edge.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces familiar elements of a sorority house setting but adds a twist with hints of underlying darkness and mystery. The dialogue feels authentic and sets up intrigue.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene exhibit eerie and unnatural behavior, adding to the overall sense of dread and mystery. Their interactions and reactions to the supernatural occurrences contribute to the suspenseful atmosphere of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

While there are no significant character changes in this particular scene, the eerie and supernatural events experienced by the characters contribute to their development and reactions, showcasing their resilience and fear in the face of the unknown.

Internal Goal: 8

Kayla's internal goal is to find a sense of belonging and acceptance within the sorority. This reflects her deeper need for connection and validation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to settle into the sorority house and adapt to the new environment. This reflects the immediate challenge of adjusting to a new living space and social dynamic.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene presents a high level of conflict through the supernatural occurrences, eerie atmosphere, and unsettling interactions between characters. The escalating tension and fear contribute to the overall conflict, keeping the audience engaged and on edge.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with hints of underlying tension and mystery that create uncertainty about the characters' future experiences.

High Stakes: 8

The scene establishes high stakes through the supernatural threats and eerie occurrences faced by the characters. The sense of danger and mystery heightens the tension, creating a sense of urgency and fear for the characters' well-being.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new mysteries and supernatural elements within the sorority house setting. The escalating tension and eerie events propel the narrative towards a climactic resolution, keeping the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces conflicting elements of beauty and decay, hinting at future twists and turns in the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a subtle philosophical conflict between the idealized image of the sorority house as a 'Pinterest board' and the underlying reality of something 'rotten' beneath the surface. This challenges the protagonists' initial perceptions and expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a strong emotional impact through its suspenseful and eerie atmosphere, instilling fear and tension in the audience. The unsettling events and interactions create a sense of dread and mystery, heightening the emotional response.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the eerie and unsettling tone, with characters speaking in a manner that enhances the suspense and fear. The interactions between characters are crucial in building tension and maintaining the mysterious atmosphere.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it sets up a contrast between the exterior beauty of the sorority house and the underlying tensions, drawing the audience into the characters' experiences.

Pacing: 8

The pacing builds tension effectively through the contrast between the bright exterior and the mysterious interior, keeping the audience intrigued.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to standard screenplay conventions, making it easy to visualize the scene and follow the character interactions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with a visual introduction, character interactions, and hints of suspense. It aligns well with the expected format for a character-driven drama.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a false sense of security through its bright, welcoming visuals and cheerful dialogue, contrasting sharply with the subtle horror elements like the rotten smell, cold draft, and swaying chandelier. This contrast serves to build suspense and foreshadow potential danger, reminding the audience of the house's cursed history without overt exposition. However, this subtlety might be too mild for some viewers, especially if the film has been building intense horror, as it could feel like a lull that diffuses tension rather than heightening it, potentially making the transition to the final scene feel abrupt.
  • Character introduction is handled efficiently with the new sorority sisters—Kayla, Zoe, and Mia—each given a line that reveals a bit of personality: Kayla's enthusiasm, Mia's sensitivity to smells, and Zoe's practicality. This helps ground the scene in realism, but the characters come across as archetypal and underdeveloped, lacking depth that could make their potential peril more engaging. As newcomers, they don't have established connections to the audience or the story's themes, which might make it harder for viewers to invest in them, especially since the focus has been on Riley and her trauma throughout the script.
  • The foreshadowing elements, such as the cold draft and tinkling chandelier, are atmospheric and tie back to supernatural motifs from earlier scenes (e.g., drafts and unnatural movements in the house). This reinforces the theme of the house's enduring curse and the cyclical nature of the horror, which is appropriate for a penultimate scene. However, the lack of any direct reference to the events six months prior or to Riley's ordeal could weaken the narrative cohesion, leaving some audience members confused about how this ties into the larger story, particularly if the time jump isn't emphasized enough in editing or through the super title.
  • Dialogue is natural and conversational, effectively conveying the characters' excitement and minor discomfort, which adds to the eerie undertone. However, it feels somewhat superficial and doesn't advance the plot or deepen character motivations beyond surface-level observations. For instance, Mia's comment about the 'rotten flowers' smell could be expanded to hint at her intuition or fear, making the dialogue more purposeful in building dread. Overall, while the scene maintains the horror genre's tension through implication, it risks feeling like filler if not balanced with more active elements to propel the story toward its conclusion.
  • As the second-to-last scene, it serves as a effective setup for the finale by reintroducing the house in a deceptively normal state, mirroring the opening scenes' tension-building techniques. This cyclical structure is thematically strong, emphasizing that the horror persists despite Riley's victory. However, the scene's brevity and low stakes might undermine the emotional payoff of the story, as it shifts focus from Riley's resolved arc to new, undefined characters without a clear bridge. This could dilute the impact of the film's themes of trauma and supernatural recurrence, making the ending feel less conclusive or more like a setup for a sequel rather than a satisfying wrap-up.
Suggestions
  • Amplify the subtle horror elements by adding more sensory details, such as describing the cold draft as 'ice-cold fingers brushing their skin' or the chandelier's tinkle as 'a faint, mocking laugh,' to heighten unease and make the foreshadowing more visceral without revealing too much.
  • Flesh out the new characters with quick, revealing actions or lines that connect to the story's themes; for example, have one of them mention hearing about 'weird rumors' of the house's past, or show Kayla's excitement turning to hesitation when she feels the draft, to build empathy and make their introduction more engaging.
  • Incorporate a subtle nod to the previous events, like a brief shot of a repaired window from an earlier attack or a line about the house's 'history,' to reinforce narrative continuity and remind the audience of the ongoing threat, ensuring the time jump feels integrated rather than disjointed.
  • Extend the scene slightly to build tension more gradually, perhaps by having the girls explore the foyer further and notice additional anomalies, like a photo on the wall that seems out of place, to create a slower burn that mirrors the film's opening and increases anticipation for the final scene.
  • Use visual motifs from earlier scenes, such as moths or flickering lights, in a muted way to create thematic echoes; for instance, have a moth flutter near the chandelier or the banner wave unnaturally, to strengthen the connection to the horror elements and emphasize the cyclical nature of the curse without overloading the scene.



Scene 39 -  The Discovery of the Dream Box
INT. HALL - CLOSET - DAY
Kayla swings open the closet door --
Coats. Sheets. Old board games stacked like crooked teeth.
At the very back, tucked beneath a quilt...
A black lacquered box.
Its faded gold script glimmers --
“DREAM BOY.”
Kayla beams, tugging it out.
KAYLA
What the hell is this?
The box HUMS faintly in her hands -- a vibration that makes
her bones itch.
Behind her, the others shift, uneasy.
The house GROANS.
The room presses in.
Kayla lifts the lid, excitement in her eyes --
The pink phone PULSES once.
SUE (O.S.)
(faint whisper)
Welcome home, girls.
SMASH TO BLACK.
RING.
Genres: ["Horror","Supernatural","Mystery"]

Summary In the final scene, Kayla excitedly opens a hall closet and uncovers a mysterious black lacquered box labeled 'DREAM BOY.' As she interacts with it, the box emits a strange hum, creating an eerie atmosphere that unsettles the other characters. When she lifts the lid, revealing a pulsing pink phone, Sue's disembodied voice ominously whispers, 'Welcome home, girls.' The scene ends abruptly with a smash to black, leaving a sense of dread and ambiguity.
Strengths
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Intriguing mystery setup
  • Effective use of supernatural elements
Weaknesses
  • Dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Character depth could be further explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through its eerie setting, mysterious elements, and unsettling discoveries. The introduction of the black lacquered box labeled 'DREAM BOY' and the subtle hints of supernatural occurrences create a strong sense of foreboding and curiosity, keeping the audience engaged and on edge.


Story Content

Concept: 9.5

The concept of the scene, centered around the discovery of the black lacquered box labeled 'DREAM BOY' in a sorority house, is intriguing and sets the stage for further mysteries and supernatural elements to unfold. The introduction of the box as a focal point creates a strong foundation for the scene's development and adds depth to the overall narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot of the scene revolves around the discovery of the mysterious black lacquered box and the eerie atmosphere within the sorority house. The progression from the initial curiosity to the growing unease and tension is well-paced, keeping the audience engaged and setting the stage for further developments. The scene effectively sets up future plot points and mysteries.

Originality: 8.5

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the discovery of a mysterious object, blending elements of the supernatural with everyday settings. The authenticity of the characters' reactions and the enigmatic nature of the box and phone add originality to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8.8

The characters in the scene react realistically to the supernatural occurrences and the discovery of the black lacquered box. Their unease and curiosity are portrayed effectively, adding to the overall tension and mystery of the scene. While the focus is more on the setting and discovery, the characters' reactions contribute to the atmosphere.

Character Changes: 8

While the scene focuses more on the discovery and setting up of mysteries, there is a subtle shift in the characters' reactions as they encounter the enigmatic black lacquered box. Their unease and curiosity hint at potential character developments as the narrative progresses.

Internal Goal: 8

Kayla's internal goal in this scene is curiosity and a desire for discovery. Her reaction to finding the black lacquered box and the excitement in her eyes when she lifts the lid reflect her deeper need for adventure and exploration.

External Goal: 7.5

Kayla's external goal is to uncover the mystery behind the black lacquered box and the pulsing pink phone. She is driven by the immediate challenge of understanding the strange occurrences in the closet and the house.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.5

The scene introduces a sense of conflict through the mysterious discovery of the black lacquered box and the eerie atmosphere within the sorority house. The tension and unease experienced by the characters create a palpable conflict that drives the scene forward and keeps the audience engaged.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create a sense of unease and mystery, with the unknown elements and supernatural occurrences posing a challenge to the characters. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the tension.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes in the scene are established through the eerie atmosphere, the discovery of the mysterious black lacquered box, and the hints of supernatural occurrences within the sorority house. The escalating tension and unease raise the stakes for the characters and set the stage for potential dangers and revelations.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a key mystery in the form of the black lacquered box labeled 'DREAM BOY' and setting up further supernatural elements within the sorority house. The discovery and reactions of the characters propel the narrative forward, creating intrigue and anticipation for what is to come.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected nature of the supernatural elements and the mysterious box. The audience is kept on edge by the strange occurrences and the enigmatic presence of the pulsing phone.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the unknown and the supernatural. The presence of the mysterious box and the pulsing phone challenges Kayla's beliefs about the ordinary world and introduces a clash between reality and the unexplained.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.8

The scene evokes a sense of fear, dread, and curiosity in the audience, eliciting an emotional response to the eerie and unsettling atmosphere within the sorority house. The discovery of the mysterious black lacquered box and the supernatural elements heighten the emotional impact, creating a sense of unease and anticipation.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene serves to convey information about the mysterious discovery and the characters' reactions to it. While the dialogue is functional in advancing the plot and setting the tone, it could benefit from more depth and nuance to further enhance the scene's impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of mystery, supernatural elements, and character reactions. The gradual reveal of the black lacquered box and the pulsing phone keeps the audience intrigued and invested in the unfolding events.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual reveal of the mysterious elements and a climactic ending that leaves the audience wanting more. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness in creating a sense of anticipation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected standards for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, concise descriptions, and effective use of visual cues to guide the reader. The formatting enhances the scene's readability and impact.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and suspense. The pacing and progression of events align with the genre's expectations, leading to a climactic reveal at the end.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the cyclical nature of the horror, mirroring the opening scene's tension and creating a sense of inevitable recurrence, which is a strong thematic choice for a horror screenplay. It reinforces the idea that trauma and supernatural threats persist, providing a chilling bookend that leaves the audience with a lingering unease, much like classic horror films such as 'The Ring' or 'It Follows'. However, this approach can sometimes feel predictable if not executed with fresh twists, and in this case, the abrupt ending might reinforce audience expectations without offering a new layer of depth or surprise.
  • The brevity of the scene, being only a few lines, contributes to its punchy, shocking impact, but it may come across as rushed in the context of the entire screenplay. As the final scene, it has the potential to provide emotional closure or a profound thematic statement, but here it feels more like a coda that hints at continuation rather than resolving the story's arc. This could leave viewers feeling unsatisfied if the buildup throughout the script emphasized Riley's triumph in scene 36, only to undercut it with this unresolved threat, potentially diluting the catharsis achieved earlier.
  • Character development is minimal in this scene, with Kayla's excitement and the others' unease portrayed generically. Since these are new characters introduced in the previous scene, there's little opportunity for the audience to connect with them emotionally, making their reactions feel superficial. This lack of depth can weaken the scene's impact, as horror often relies on audience investment in characters to heighten fear; without more personalization, such as giving Kayla a specific reason for her curiosity or hinting at her backstory, the scene misses a chance to make the threat feel immediate and personal.
  • The use of sensory elements—like the humming box, the house groaning, and the pulsing phone—builds atmosphere effectively, drawing on established motifs from earlier scenes (e.g., the pink phone and supernatural hums). This creates a cohesive auditory and visual language that ties the ending back to the film's horror elements. However, the descriptions could be more vivid and immersive to fully engage the senses, as the current writing is somewhat sparse, relying on familiar tropes that might not stand out in a crowded horror genre without additional innovative details.
  • The dialogue and voice-over work well to evoke dread, with Sue's whisper serving as a callback to her antagonistic role, but it borders on cliché. Lines like 'What the hell is this?' and 'Welcome home, girls' are functional but lack subtlety or originality, which could make the scene feel less memorable. In screenwriting, dialogue should often reveal character or advance the plot in unexpected ways; here, it primarily serves to signal danger, missing an opportunity to add irony, foreshadowing, or a twist that comments on the story's themes of cycles of abuse or inescapable fate.
  • Overall, the scene's tone shifts from the triumphant resolution in scene 36 to a foreboding ambiguity, which is thematically appropriate but could confuse audiences if not handled carefully. The smash to black ending is dramatic and cinematic, emphasizing shock, but it might rely too heavily on jump scare tactics without providing intellectual or emotional satisfaction. As a teaching point, endings in horror screenplays should balance spectacle with substance, ensuring that the conclusion not only startles but also reinforces the narrative's core messages, such as the persistence of trauma, which this scene attempts but doesn't fully achieve due to its brevity and lack of depth.
Suggestions
  • Extend the scene slightly to build suspense more gradually; for example, add a few more beats where Kayla examines the box closer, perhaps noticing familiar engravings or feeling an unnatural cold, allowing the audience to anticipate the reveal and heighten the tension without rushing to the climax.
  • Develop the characters' reactions to make them more relatable and engaging; give Kayla a line that hints at her personality, like referencing social media or a personal interest in old games, to create a stronger emotional hook and make her discovery feel more personal and foreboding.
  • Enhance sensory descriptions to immerse the audience further; describe the hum as a 'low, invasive buzz that resonates in her chest' or the house groan as 'a deep, resonant creak like the building itself is awakening,' to make the supernatural elements more vivid and terrifying, drawing on the script's established atmosphere.
  • Incorporate a subtle callback to Riley or the earlier events to strengthen thematic ties; for instance, have one of the girls mention a strange rumor about the house or notice a faded scar or photo that links back to the prologue, providing a sense of continuity and deepening the cyclical theme without overt exposition.
  • Refine the dialogue and ending for more originality; change Kayla's line to something more inquisitive and character-specific, like 'This looks straight out of a creepy antique store—think it's haunted?' and make Sue's whisper more ambiguous or personalized, such as addressing Kayla by name, to avoid clichés and add a layer of psychological horror.