Read THE BUM — 'He’s not homeless… because he’s in yours.' with its analysis

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Scene 1 - A Night of Cruelty

EXT. DOWNTOWN ALLEY – NIGHT
The city sleeps uneasy. Neon signs flicker, their light bleeding over graffiti and garbage. A
steady drizzle falls, painting the concrete black.
JOE (50s), ragged beard, torn coat, eyes sunken yet alert — a man who’s lived lifetimes on
the streets — sits inside a makeshift tent of tarp and cardboard.
He nurses a steaming cup of something that used to be coffee. Around him, silence… broken
only by the echo of laughter.
A group of young PUNKS across the street — drunk, restless, performing cruelty for fun. They
notice Joe. Their laughter sharpens.
PUNK #1
Hey, Grandpa! Got any change?
PUNK #2
He’s ignoring you, man.
They cross the street, their shadows stretching long under the streetlight.
PUNK #1 (MOCKING)
We just want some change, old man.
JOE
All I wanted was change.
The punks laugh. Then the first kick lands. Joe collapses under a flurry of blows. One of the
punks drops his wallet in a puddle as they flee. Joe reaches for it slowly, stares at the address
on the ID.
JOE (QUIETLY)
All I wanted… was change.

Genres: ["Drama","Urban"]

Summary In a dimly lit downtown alley, Joe, a homeless man, faces mockery and violence from a group of young punks. As they taunt him for change, Joe quietly reflects on his own desires, only to be physically assaulted. After the punks flee, leaving behind a dropped wallet, Joe reaches for it, examining the ID inside while murmuring, 'All I wanted… was change,' highlighting the poignant irony of his situation.

Strengths

Realistic portrayal of urban life
Strong emotional impact
Compelling character development

Weaknesses

Potential for stereotypical portrayal of punks
Limited dialogue variation

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively sets a gritty and desperate tone, with strong emotional impact and high stakes. The conflict is palpable, and the character of Joe undergoes significant change, making it a compelling and impactful scene.

Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of portraying the harsh realities of homelessness and violence in an urban environment is well-executed. The scene effectively conveys the themes of struggle and the desire for change.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is engaging and moves forward significantly through the conflict and character development. It sets up a strong foundation for the subsequent scene and adds depth to the overall story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on urban poverty and violence, portraying the characters with authenticity and depth. The dialogue feels genuine and impactful, adding to the originality of the scene.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The character of Joe is well-developed and undergoes significant change, eliciting empathy from the audience. The punks serve as effective antagonists, adding depth to the conflict.

Character Changes: 8

Joe undergoes a significant transformation from a passive victim to a character seeking change and empowerment. This change drives the emotional core of the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Joe's internal goal in this scene is to find a sense of purpose or meaning in his difficult circumstances. His desire for 'change' symbolizes his longing for transformation or a new direction in life.

External Goal: 7.5

Joe's external goal is to survive the attack by the punks and potentially seek justice or retribution for the assault. It reflects the immediate challenge he faces in the dangerous urban environment.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is intense and drives the scene forward, creating a sense of urgency and danger. It heightens the emotional impact and adds depth to the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the punks serving as formidable antagonists who pose a physical and emotional threat to the protagonist. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the tension.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Joe faces physical violence and emotional turmoil. The scene conveys the life-and-death consequences of his situation, adding tension and urgency.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing key conflicts, developing characters, and setting up future events. It adds depth and complexity to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it subverts expectations by presenting a seemingly mundane encounter that escalates into a violent confrontation, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 8.5

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of hopelessness and resilience. Joe's belief in the possibility of change contrasts with the punks' nihilistic attitude towards the suffering of others.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of sadness, anger, and empathy. The brutal violence and Joe's vulnerability resonate with the audience, leaving a lasting impact.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and power dynamics between Joe and the punks. It adds to the realism of the scene and enhances the character interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it immerses the audience in a vivid and emotionally charged moment, drawing them into the protagonist's struggle and the conflict with the antagonistic punks.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, creating a sense of urgency and emotional impact. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the scene's effectiveness.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, with a focus on visual storytelling and character interactions. It aligns with the expected format for a dramatic screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure that effectively builds tension and conveys the characters' motivations and conflicts. It adheres to the expected format for a gritty urban drama.

Critique

The opening description of the alley setting is highly effective in establishing a moody, atmospheric tone that immerses the reader in the scene's gritty urban environment. The use of sensory details like flickering neon signs, graffiti, garbage, and steady drizzle not only paints a vivid picture but also subtly foreshadows the themes of decay and instability, which is a strong hook for engaging the audience early on. However, this strength could be amplified by ensuring that the descriptions are concise and focused, as overly dense prose might slow down the pacing in a visual medium like film.
Joe's character introduction is compelling and economical, with physical details like his ragged beard, torn coat, and alert eyes quickly conveying his backstory and resilience without needing exposition. This approach adheres well to screenwriting principles of 'show, don't tell,' allowing the audience to infer his hardships. That said, the critique lies in the lack of deeper emotional insight during his initial moments; for instance, his action of sipping coffee could be paired with a subtle internal reaction or micro-expression to better humanize him and make his later mantra, 'All I wanted was change,' feel more earned and less abrupt.
The interaction with the punks effectively escalates conflict, using their mockery to highlight social inequalities and set up the inciting incident with the dropped wallet. The dialogue from Punk #1 and Punk #2 serves to build tension, but it comes across as somewhat stereotypical and one-dimensional, relying on generic insults that don't add much depth or specificity. This could undermine the scene's realism and make the punks feel like caricatures rather than believable antagonists, potentially reducing audience empathy or investment in the conflict.
The pacing of the scene is brisk, which suits the sudden violence and maintains momentum, but the transition from verbal taunts to physical attack feels rushed and lacks buildup. In screenwriting, effective tension often comes from incremental escalations, such as prolonged eye contact or closer physical proximity, which could make the assault more shocking and emotionally resonant. Additionally, the repetition of Joe's line 'All I wanted was change' is thematically consistent, but its delivery might benefit from variation to avoid seeming redundant or overly on-the-nose in this introductory scene.
The scene's conclusion, with Joe reaching for the wallet and murmuring his line, provides a poignant and thematic bookend that ties into the larger story. It successfully plants the seed for the plot while evoking sympathy for Joe. However, the visual and auditory elements could be more integrated to enhance the emotional impact; for example, the puddle where the wallet is dropped could symbolize lost opportunities or the futility of change, but this is not fully explored, leaving room for more symbolic depth that could enrich the scene's resonance without overwhelming the narrative.

Suggestions

Enhance the punks' characterization by adding unique traits or specific dialogue that reflects their individual motivations or backgrounds, such as one punk referencing a personal grudge or socioeconomic frustration, to make their antagonism more nuanced and believable, thereby increasing the scene's emotional stakes.
Build tension before the physical attack by incorporating additional beats, like the punks circling Joe or exchanging glances that signal escalation, allowing the audience to anticipate the violence and heighten the dramatic impact while maintaining the scene's concise length.
Refine Joe's dialogue and actions to make his mantra 'All I wanted was change' feel more organic; for instance, have him whisper it under his breath earlier in the scene during a moment of reflection, or tie it to a specific visual cue like staring at his reflection in a puddle, to deepen character insight and thematic integration.
Strengthen the visual storytelling by using the environment more actively; for example, have the flickering neon lights cast shadows that mirror Joe's internal turmoil or use the rain to symbolize his tears, making the scene more cinematic and helping to convey emotions subtly without relying solely on dialogue.
Consider adding a subtle sound design element, such as the distant echo of city life fading in and out, to underscore the isolation and finality of Joe's situation at the end of the scene, which could improve the auditory texture and make the poignant close more immersive for the audience.

Scene 2 - All I Wanted Was Change

EXT. CITY BUS – NIGHT
Rain streaks across grimy windows. Inside the nearly empty bus, JOE clutches the wet wallet.
He studies the driver’s license — RYAN MURPHY, 22.
The bus stops in a quiet suburb. Joe gets off and approaches a small house — neat, warm,
and alive.
He circles to the back, finds an unlocked basement window, and slips inside.

INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT
The house hums with silence. Joe hides among boxes, watching through a crack in the floor
as RYAN moves upstairs, unaware.
Days pass. Joe creeps out at night — eating scraps, observing the house. Ryan begins to
notice small disturbances: open cabinets, missing food.
JOE (WHISPERING) All
I wanted was change.
INT. RYAN’S HOUSE – NIGHT
RYAN watches TV, half-asleep. Downstairs, the basement door creaks open. JOE ascends
with a rusted tire iron.
Ryan goes to the kitchen, opens the fridge. When he closes it — Joe is behind him.
JOE (CALMLY)
All I wanted… was change.
RYAN
Jesus, man! What are you doing in my house?!
JOE
Yours? You sure about that?
Joe drops Ryan’s wallet on the counter.
JOE
You dropped this.
Ryan realizes who Joe is — too late. The tire iron swings. Joe repeats his mantra as the
attack ends. Silence.
INT. RYAN’S HOUSE – LATER THAT NIGHT
Joe cleans his hands in the sink. The body lies wrapped nearby. He notices a photo of Ryan
and MIKE — the second punk.
A car pulls up outside. MIKE enters, drunk and loud.
MIKE
Yo, Ry? You home?
He follows a trail of blood. Joe’s voice echoes from the dark.
JOE (O.S.)
You shouldn’t have come back.
They struggle. Joe overpowers him, whispering:
JOE
All I wanted was change.

He finishes it quietly. Two bodies. Silence returns.
EXT. CITY ALLEY – DAWN
Joe walks through the waking city, drops the wallet into a trash bin, and returns to his tent.
Two new punks’ approach, laughing, mocking him.
PUNK #1
Yo, old man, you sleepin’ in the trash again?
PUNK #2 You
should get a job, bum! Joe rises slowly, steps toward
them.
JOE (SOFTLY) All I wanted… was
change.
CUT TO BLACK. SOUND: metallic clatter. Silence.
FADE OUT.
TITLE CARD: THE BUM — 'He’s not homeless… because he’s in yours.'

Genres: ["Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a dark and suspenseful scene, Joe, a homeless man, finds himself in a suburban house after stealing a wallet. Over several days, he observes the homeowner, Ryan, and causes disturbances, leading to a violent confrontation where Joe kills Ryan with a tire iron. Afterward, he cleans up and kills Ryan's friend Mike when he arrives unexpectedly. The scene culminates with Joe returning to the city alley, where he faces mockery from two punks, repeating his haunting mantra, 'All I wanted was change,' as the scene fades to black.

Strengths

Strong thematic elements
Compelling character dynamics
Tension-building
Emotional depth

Weaknesses

Potential for excessive violence
Lack of resolution for secondary characters

Ratings

Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene is well-crafted with a strong concept, engaging characters, and a gripping plot. The execution is effective in building tension and delivering a powerful climax.

Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene is intriguing, blending elements of revenge, desperation, and unexpected twists. The exploration of the theme of change and the consequences of unfulfilled desires adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8.5

The plot is engaging, with a strong sense of conflict and resolution. The progression of events is well-paced, leading to a dramatic climax that resolves the central conflict of the scene.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on themes of societal injustice and personal agency through the lens of a morally ambiguous protagonist. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the familiar narrative of revenge and redemption.

Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined, with Joe as a complex protagonist driven by his desire for change and revenge. Ryan and Mike serve as effective foils, adding depth to the conflict and resolution.

Character Changes: 8

Joe undergoes a significant transformation, moving from a passive victim to an active agent seeking change and revenge. His character arc drives the narrative forward and adds depth to the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Joe's internal goal is to seek change and possibly redemption for his circumstances. His mantra 'All I wanted was change' reflects his deeper need for transformation and a desire to break free from his current state of existence.

External Goal: 7.5

Joe's external goal is to confront those he perceives as responsible for his situation and to assert his presence and agency in a world that has marginalized him.

Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, driving the tension and drama. The clash of desires and motivations between the characters heightens the stakes and intensifies the narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Joe facing internal and external obstacles that challenge his beliefs and motivations. The uncertainty of how the conflicts will resolve adds a sense of unpredictability and tension to the narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with the characters facing life-changing consequences as they confront their desires and motivations. The tension and drama are heightened by the risks involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward with significant developments in the plot and character arcs. The resolution of the conflict sets the stage for future events and deepens the overall narrative.

Unpredictability: 8.5

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected actions and choices made by the characters, leading to surprising outcomes and moral dilemmas. The shifting power dynamics and moral ambiguity add layers of complexity and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 8.5

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of justice, revenge, and the consequences of societal neglect. Joe's actions challenge the audience to question the boundaries of morality and the impact of systemic failures on individuals.

Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene evokes a strong emotional response, blending feelings of despair, revenge, and catharsis. The resolution of the conflict leaves a lasting impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful, with memorable lines that enhance the tension and emotional depth of the scene. The exchanges between characters reveal their motivations and drive the plot forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional conflict, moral ambiguity, and unpredictable twists that keep the audience invested in the characters' fates. The escalating tension and dramatic confrontations maintain a high level of engagement throughout.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, allowing for moments of quiet reflection and intense action to create a dynamic rhythm that enhances the emotional impact of the narrative. The gradual escalation of conflict maintains the audience's interest and investment in the story.

Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8.5

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a dramatic screenplay, with clear scene headings, concise action lines, and impactful dialogue. The visual descriptions and character interactions are presented in a visually engaging manner.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a well-paced structure that builds tension and suspense effectively. The shifts in location and perspective enhance the narrative flow and maintain the audience's engagement.

Critique

The scene effectively continues the thematic motif from Scene 1 with Joe's repeated line 'All I wanted was change,' creating a strong sense of irony and cyclicality in the narrative. This repetition reinforces Joe's character as a victim turned aggressor, highlighting themes of societal neglect and the consequences of casual cruelty. However, the overuse of this line risks becoming redundant and less impactful by the end, potentially diluting its emotional resonance and making the dialogue feel formulaic rather than organic.
Character development for Joe is compelling in its portrayal of a descent into violence, starting from a position of vulnerability in the previous scene and evolving into a calculated killer. This arc is well-intentioned, but it lacks sufficient buildup or internal conflict to make Joe's actions believable. For instance, the transition from observing Ryan to murdering him feels abrupt, with little exploration of Joe's motivations beyond the wallet incident. This could alienate viewers who might question why a homeless man, already victimized, chooses this path of revenge, undermining the story's emotional depth and realism.
The pacing of the scene is uneven, with the 'days pass' montage compressed into a few lines, which skips over opportunities to build tension and show Joe's gradual integration into Ryan's life. While this brevity keeps the scene moving, it misses chances to deepen the audience's understanding of Joe's psychological state and Ryan's growing unease. Additionally, the time jump feels unearned, as it relies on summary rather than visual storytelling, which is a key strength of screenwriting. This could make the confrontation less suspenseful and the overall narrative feel rushed in a two-scene script.
Visually, the scene uses atmospheric elements like rain, shadows, and the contrast between the gritty alley and the warm suburban house effectively to enhance mood and symbolism. The basement hiding spot and the crack in the floor are strong visual metaphors for intrusion and observation, but they could be better integrated to heighten suspense. However, the violence is depicted in a matter-of-fact way that lacks buildup or variation, making the murders feel gratuitous rather than integral to the story. This desensitizes the audience and reduces the emotional weight of the killings, especially since Ryan and Mike are underdeveloped characters.
Dialogue serves the theme well, with Joe's mantra acting as a haunting refrain, but it often feels expository and unnatural, particularly in confrontations. For example, Ryan's reaction to Joe's presence is stereotypical and lacks specificity, while Mike's entrance and dialogue are clichéd, reducing their authenticity. This weakens the scene's ability to engage viewers emotionally, as the characters come across as archetypes rather than fully realized individuals. In a short script like this, more nuanced interactions could elevate the drama and make the violence more impactful by contrasting Joe's quiet menace with the punks' bravado.
The scene's structure mirrors the first scene's setup, with Joe returning to the alley and facing new attackers, which creates a powerful bookend and emphasizes the theme of inescapable cycles. However, this symmetry might feel predictable or heavy-handed, especially in a two-scene script, potentially limiting the story's scope and depth. The ending, with the cut to black and title card, is effective for shock value, but it could benefit from more subtlety to avoid telegraphing the theme too explicitly, allowing the audience to infer the irony rather than having it stated outright.

Suggestions

Add subtle internal monologue or visual flashbacks during Joe's observation period in the basement to reveal his backstory or motivations, making his turn to violence more credible and emotionally resonant without overloading the script.
Extend the 'days pass' sequence with a series of quick cuts or montages showing Joe's increasing familiarity with the house and Ryan's growing paranoia, building suspense and allowing for character development through actions rather than exposition.
Vary the delivery of Joe's mantra 'All I wanted was change' by changing its context or tone in different scenes—e.g., make it more desperate during the killings and reflective at the end—to prevent repetition and maintain its thematic power.
Enhance the confrontation scenes by adding physical or verbal tension, such as Ryan noticing clues earlier or attempting to reason with Joe, to make the violence feel like a climax rather than a sudden escalation, improving dramatic stakes.
Develop secondary characters like Ryan and Mike with brief, telling details—such as dialogue hints at their personalities or relationships—to make their demises more meaningful and increase audience investment in the story's consequences.
Refine the cyclical ending by introducing a small twist, like the new punks referencing the earlier attack or Joe showing a moment of hesitation, to add nuance and avoid predictability, while ensuring the title card is integrated more seamlessly into the narrative flow.