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Scene 1 -  The Gathering Storm
They're Here!



Written by



Giacomo Giammatteo




Author: Giacomo Giammatteo

Contact Info: [email protected]

(281) 370-2233

Draft 6: January 10, 2024
FADE IN:
Genres: ["Horror","Mystery"]

Summary In a dimly lit safe house, a group of characters faces an impending threat, creating a tense atmosphere filled with anxiety. The leader strives to maintain calm and unify the group, while a skeptic voices doubts about their survival, contrasting with the eagerness of a naive younger character. As they strategize and prepare for the unknown force, their differing opinions on how to proceed lead to unresolved conflict. The scene culminates in a mix of determination and fear as they brace themselves for what lies ahead.
Strengths
  • Effective tone setting
  • Building suspense
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Minimal dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes a sense of unease and mystery, drawing the audience in with its suspenseful atmosphere.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an ominous arrival sets the stage for the unfolding mystery and horror.

Plot: 7

The plot is advanced by introducing the mysterious arrival, setting up the central conflict of the story.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the haunted house trope, blending elements of horror and mystery to create a unique and engaging narrative. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add to the scene's authenticity.


Character Development

Characters: 6

While the characters are not fully developed in this scene, their reactions to the arrival add to the tension.

Character Changes: 5

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters' reactions hint at potential development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect their family and uncover the truth behind the strange occurrences happening in their neighborhood. This reflects their deeper need for security and their fear of the unknown.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to investigate the mysterious events happening in their neighborhood and ensure the safety of their loved ones. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The arrival of the unknown presence creates a high level of conflict and tension.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing difficult challenges and obstacles that add to the sense of suspense and uncertainty. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the protagonist will overcome these obstacles.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes are established with the arrival of the unknown presence, setting up the danger the characters will face.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a key element that will drive the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces unexpected twists and turns, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome. The mysterious events and eerie atmosphere add to the sense of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the protagonist's belief in rational explanations and the supernatural events they are witnessing. This challenges their worldview and forces them to confront their beliefs.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear and dread in the audience, creating an emotional impact.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue is minimal but effective in conveying the characters' fear and uncertainty.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it keeps the audience guessing and on the edge of their seats. The suspenseful atmosphere and mysterious events draw viewers in and make them eager to uncover the truth.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense leading to a climactic reveal. The rhythm of the scene enhances its effectiveness and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay in the thriller genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is crisp and adds to the overall atmosphere.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful thriller, building tension gradually and leading to a climactic reveal. The pacing and rhythm are well-executed, keeping the audience engaged.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear visual or emotional hook to draw the audience in. Starting with a strong image or a character's immediate reaction to the threat could enhance engagement.
  • The dialogue feels somewhat generic and does not reveal much about the characters' personalities or relationships. More unique character voices and specific fears could add depth.
  • The urgency of the situation is mentioned but not effectively conveyed through action or pacing. Consider incorporating more dynamic actions or reactions that reflect the characters' anxiety and urgency.
  • There is a missed opportunity to establish the stakes of the impending threat. Providing a hint of what the threat is or how it directly impacts the characters could heighten tension.
  • The scene could benefit from sensory details that create a vivid atmosphere. Describing sounds, sights, or even smells could immerse the audience in the moment.
  • The transition into the next scene feels abrupt. A more seamless connection between the urgency of this scene and the subsequent actions of the characters would improve flow.
Suggestions
  • Start the scene with a strong visual or auditory cue that immediately establishes the threat, such as a loud noise or a character's frantic action.
  • Develop distinct character voices in the dialogue to reflect their personalities and relationships. This will make the interactions feel more authentic and engaging.
  • Incorporate physical actions that demonstrate the characters' anxiety, such as pacing, fidgeting, or checking their surroundings, to visually convey urgency.
  • Introduce a specific detail about the threat that raises the stakes, such as a news report or a character's personal connection to the danger.
  • Add sensory details to create a more immersive atmosphere, such as the sound of alarms, the smell of smoke, or the sight of flickering lights.
  • Consider ending the scene with a cliffhanger or a shocking revelation that propels the audience into the next scene, maintaining momentum.



Scene 2 -  Meteor Alert
INT. OBSERVATORY IN BIG BEND — NIGHT


SUPER: YEAR 2064

RODDY (26, black, intense, dedicated) sits at his desk,
watching the monitor for abnormalities in space. Three empty
cups of coffee sit on his desk, and he rubs his eyes while
trying not to fall asleep.

Hip-hop and rap music blare in the background as Roddy dances
his way to get more coffee. He pours another cup and returns
to his station.

Endless blips sound on the screen, and they are accompanied
by flashes of light. He leans closer to the monitor,
increases magnification, and focuses on the screen. The rate
of the blips increases until the screen is covered with
flashes of light.

Roddy sets his coffee down, mutes the music, and dials Amanda
(40s, no-nonsense) at headquarters.

RODDY
Amanda, this is Roddy at BB1. I’m
seeing a lot of activity from that
meteor shower they warned us about.
(a beat)
At first, it looked to be heading
toward Asia, but now I see meteors
moving in all directions.

AMANDA
We’re getting similar reports from
other stations. Keep an eye on it.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Thriller"]

Summary In the year 2064 at the Big Bend observatory, Roddy, a dedicated young man, struggles to stay awake while monitoring space activity. As he dances to hip-hop music and prepares coffee, he notices an alarming increase in meteor activity that is changing direction unexpectedly. He contacts Amanda at headquarters to report his findings, and she confirms that they are receiving similar reports from other stations. The scene conveys a mix of urgency and determination as Roddy is instructed to continue monitoring the situation.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Intriguing concept
  • Compelling plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Some cliched elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a compelling mystery with the impending cosmic threat.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a cosmic crisis and the characters' reactions to it are intriguing and engaging.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses by introducing the cosmic threat and setting up the characters' response to it.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar concept of monitoring space activity, with a focus on character-driven storytelling and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are distinct and their actions and dialogue contribute to the tension and urgency of the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not significant character development in this scene, the characters' reactions to the cosmic crisis hint at potential growth and change.

Internal Goal: 8

Roddy's internal goal is to successfully monitor and analyze the abnormal activity in space. This reflects his desire to excel in his work and his fear of missing something important.

External Goal: 9

Roddy's external goal is to report the findings of the meteor shower to Amanda and keep an eye on the situation. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in monitoring the space activity.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict of the cosmic crisis and the characters' response to it creates a sense of urgency and tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the challenge of interpreting the space activity and reporting it to headquarters creating uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of a cosmic crisis and the characters' lives being at risk raise the tension and urgency of the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing the cosmic threat and setting up the characters' response to it.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events with the meteor shower and Roddy's reaction to it.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between the unknown and the known. Roddy is faced with the challenge of interpreting the abnormal activity in space and making sense of it, which challenges his beliefs and understanding of the universe.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes fear and anticipation in the audience, creating an emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys information about the cosmic crisis and the characters' reactions to it.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, fast-paced action, and dynamic character interactions.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and character descriptions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes Roddy's character as dedicated and intense, but it could benefit from deeper exploration of his emotional state. Consider adding internal thoughts or brief flashbacks that reveal why he is so committed to monitoring space activity, which would enhance audience connection.
  • The use of hip-hop music juxtaposed with the serious task at hand creates an interesting contrast, but it may come off as slightly jarring. The scene could explore how Roddy uses music as a coping mechanism for the stress of his job, perhaps through a brief moment of reflection on the music's significance to him.
  • The dialogue between Roddy and Amanda is functional but lacks tension. Given the urgency of the situation, consider incorporating more urgency or concern in their exchange. For example, Amanda could express a sense of alarm or ask Roddy to take immediate action, which would heighten the stakes.
  • The visual description of Roddy's actions is clear, but the scene could benefit from more sensory details. Describe the sounds of the monitor, the feel of the coffee cup, or the atmosphere in the observatory to immerse the audience further in the setting.
  • The transition from Roddy's dancing to the serious task of monitoring space activity feels abrupt. A smoother transition could be achieved by showing Roddy's initial enjoyment of the music before he becomes focused on the monitor, illustrating the shift from light-heartedness to seriousness.
Suggestions
  • Add internal monologue or flashbacks to provide insight into Roddy's motivations and emotional state, enhancing audience empathy.
  • Consider deepening the contrast between the hip-hop music and the seriousness of the situation by exploring Roddy's relationship with the music, perhaps through a brief reflection.
  • Revise the dialogue to include more urgency and concern, making the stakes feel higher and emphasizing the potential danger of the meteor shower.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to create a richer atmosphere, allowing the audience to feel the tension and urgency of the observatory setting.
  • Smooth the transition between Roddy's dancing and his serious work by showing a moment of realization or concern that shifts his focus, illustrating the gravity of the situation.



Scene 3 -  Infiltration Protocol
EXT. OUTER SPACE - NIGHT

A large spaceship hovers in space, mixing in with waves of
meteors hurtling toward Earth. Inside are FOUR ALIENS
(ageless, leather-like grayish skin, tall, with elongated
faces, ears and noses, yellow vertical slits for eyes) and a
PILOT (ageless, inquisitive).
2


PILOT
Áda'áł daazhwigo hazhó" ii dah
ałkadziilyé bił ałkáád biiltá."(The
human’s monitoring activity
indicates we may have been
noticed.)
KARO (ageless, leader, logical, practical) moves to the
monitoring screen and studies it. He adapts his speech device
to English.

KARO
Ensure it doesn’t happen again.
Karo makes a few adjustments to his device so that his
English is flawless.

KARO (CONT’D)
Pilot, I need to communicate with
all landing parties. And make it a
code six communique.

Pilot adjusts the radio waves and signals to Karo.

KARO (CONT’D)
This is Commander Karo. We have
successfully broken the first
barrier and anticipate teams to be
inserted soon.
(A beat)
Each landing party will be dropped
near the targeted cities. Once
there, you will insinuate yourself
into the positions you were
assigned.
(a beat)
And don’t forget, the key to
success is secrecy, so if anyone is
injured or requires medical
attention, swallow your capsule.
Karo ends the conversation, then presses a button on the
chair and it molds into a comfortable cushion.

KARO (CONT’D)
You will forget your real names,
and assume the names of the human
forms chosen for you. Once you
subsume a form, you not only look
identical to them, but you obtain
their memories as well.
(pause)
(MORE)
3
KARO (CONT’D)
And get used to your new body. You
will likely die in it.

CREW MEMBER ONE
Anything else?

KARO
Previous landing parties have
reported a condition called
photophobia.
(a beat)
It makes your eyes sensitive to
intense light: headlights, strong
sunlight, but not typical lighting.
We are working on a fix but so far,
nothing.

CREW MEMBER ONE
Do we have a choice in the form we
assume?

KARO
You can accept the form we chose,
or you can swallow your capsule.

JUSTINE
And you, Commander? Whose form will
you take?

Karo smirks at JUSTINE (30s, bulldog tenacity, determined,
focused).

KARO
I have been granted a reprieve from
the High Commander. I will keep my
current form — for now.

JUSTINE
You’re waiting for a high-level
target, aren’t you?

Karo’s ears twitch and his eyes roll to the side, his best
attempt at a smile.

KARO
Just remember that these are
violent people.
4
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Thriller"]

Summary Aboard a spaceship in outer space, Karo, the alien leader, learns from the pilot that their activities may have been detected by humans. He stresses the importance of remaining undetected while preparing to infiltrate human cities, instructing the crew to assume human identities and warning them about photophobia. Tension rises as Justine questions Karo's decision to retain his alien form, hinting at a deeper strategy. The scene concludes with Karo smirking, suggesting he has a plan in mind.
Strengths
  • Intriguing concept of alien infiltration
  • Tense atmosphere and high stakes
  • Clear progression of plot
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional impact
  • Some characters could be further developed

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the impending alien invasion with a sense of urgency and mystery, introducing key elements of the plot and characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of aliens infiltrating Earth by assuming human forms is intriguing and well-developed in this scene.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced significantly with the introduction of the alien invasion plan and the stakes involved.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh and intriguing concept of alien infiltration with a focus on the ethical implications of assuming human forms. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are distinct and serve their roles in the scene, but some could have been further developed.

Character Changes: 6

There are subtle hints at character changes, especially with Karo's decision to keep his current form, but more development could enhance this aspect.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain control and ensure the success of the mission. This reflects their need for order and efficiency, as well as their fear of failure.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to communicate with all landing parties and ensure they are prepared for their mission to infiltrate Earth. This reflects the immediate challenge of coordinating a complex operation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict present, mainly in the secrecy and high stakes of the alien invasion plan.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with internal conflicts and ethical dilemmas that challenge the characters' beliefs and motivations. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of the mission and the characters' loyalties.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of secrecy, infiltration, and potential conflict with humans are crucial to the scene's tension and importance.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing the alien invasion plan and the characters' roles in it.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and ethical dilemmas that arise, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of the characters' true intentions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the ethical dilemma of assuming human forms and infiltrating Earth. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about the morality of their mission and the consequences of their actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene lacks strong emotional impact but effectively builds tension and anticipation.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the seriousness and secrecy of the situation, as well as the dynamics between the alien crew members.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, intriguing premise, and dynamic character interactions. The tension and suspense keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of exposition, dialogue, and action that maintains the tension and momentum of the story. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in building suspense.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene is formatted correctly according to industry standards, with proper scene headings, action lines, and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the screenplay.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear and logical structure, with a well-defined setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and formatting are consistent with the genre expectations.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the alien characters and their mission, but it lacks emotional depth. The dialogue is primarily expository, which can make it feel flat. Consider adding more personal stakes or conflicts among the crew members to enhance engagement.
  • The use of alien language at the beginning is intriguing but may confuse viewers who are not familiar with the context. Providing a brief translation or a visual cue could help maintain clarity without losing the alien atmosphere.
  • Karo's character is introduced as a logical leader, but his motivations and personality could be fleshed out further. Adding subtle hints about his past or his feelings regarding the mission could create a more compelling character arc.
  • The dialogue, while functional, often feels too formal and lacks the natural flow of conversation. Incorporating more colloquial language or interruptions could make the interactions feel more realistic and relatable.
  • The scene's pacing is somewhat uneven. The initial tension regarding the detection by humans is quickly overshadowed by the technical details of their mission. Balancing the urgency of their situation with the exposition could maintain viewer interest.
Suggestions
  • Introduce a conflict or disagreement among the crew members to create tension and showcase their personalities. This could involve differing opinions on the mission or fears about assuming human forms.
  • Consider using visual storytelling to convey the aliens' emotions or reactions, such as close-ups of their facial expressions or body language, to enhance the scene's emotional impact.
  • Add a moment of levity or humor to break the tension and provide contrast to the serious nature of their mission. This could help humanize the aliens and make them more relatable to the audience.
  • Incorporate a visual element that illustrates the urgency of their mission, such as a countdown timer or a visual representation of the humans detecting them, to heighten the stakes.
  • Revise the dialogue to include more subtext and character-driven interactions. Allow characters to express their fears or doubts in a way that reveals their personalities and relationships with one another.



Scene 4 -  Breaking News and Breakfast Banter
INT. GALLO HOUSE - DAY

RANCE GALLO (35, inquisitive, ambitious, active, relentless)
bounds down the steps and into the kitchen, where EMILY GALLO
(35, trim and fit, perky and sassy, fiercely intelligent)
sits eating breakfast.

A newspaper is spread on the table in front of her.

RANCE
How is my beautiful wife this
morning?

Emily sips her tea and takes a bite of her bagel.

EMILY
Still beautiful.

RANCE
Of course, you are.

EMILY
I was just about to wake you. I
don’t mean to dampen your mood, but
take a look at your competitors'
headlines. It seems as if you
missed the story of the year.

Rance moves behind Emily and looks over her shoulder. He
snatches the paper from her and scans the headlines.

RANCE
Son of a bitch!

Rance pours a cup of coffee, sits at the table, and reads. He
then opens his phone and turns it on to see ten missed calls.
He kisses Emily and rushes for the door.

RANCE (CONT’D)
Gotta go, babe. Call you later.

EMILY
You want me to come?

RANCE
You know your father's opinion
about women in the newsroom.

EMILY
His views on women make it all the
more reason to go. That nonsense
stopped decades ago.
5


RANCE
I'm fine.

Rance opens the door and rushes out.

Emily grabs her purse and starts for the door. She's halfway
there when Rance comes back in. He laughs when he sees her
prepared to go.

RANCE (CONT’D)
You knew I'd come back.

EMILY
I've been married to you for a long
time, Mr. Gallo.

Rance chuckles, then breaks into a full laugh.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance"]

Summary In the Gallo household kitchen, Rance Gallo rushes to catch up on a significant news story he missed, prompted by his wife Emily. Despite her desire to join him and challenge his views on gender roles, Rance insists he can handle it alone. Their playful exchange highlights their loving bond, but ultimately, Rance leaves without her, showcasing both urgency and light-heartedness in their relationship.
Strengths
  • Authentic character interactions
  • Effective balance of tension and humor
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances tension with humor, providing insight into the characters' personalities and setting up a compelling plot point.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of a married couple navigating a breaking news story adds depth to the plot and character development.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced significantly with the introduction of the breaking news element, setting the stage for future developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces familiar themes of career ambition and gender dynamics but adds a fresh perspective through the characters' interactions and the witty dialogue. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their interactions feel authentic, adding richness to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no drastic character changes, the scene deepens the understanding of the characters' personalities.

Internal Goal: 8

Rance's internal goal in this scene is to prove himself in his career and maintain his reputation as a successful journalist. This reflects his deeper need for validation and recognition in his profession.

External Goal: 7

Rance's external goal in this scene is to cover a breaking news story and beat his competitors. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in his career and the pressure to stay ahead in the industry.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is more internal and relational, adding depth to the characters' dynamics.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and beliefs driving the characters' interactions and creating tension and conflict. The audience is left unsure of how the characters will navigate the obstacles they face.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes of the breaking news story add urgency and importance to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a significant plot point and raising the stakes.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' interactions and the shifting power dynamics between Rance and Emily. The audience is kept on their toes as they navigate the characters' conflicting goals and beliefs.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between traditional gender roles and modern beliefs about equality and opportunity. Emily challenges Rance's assumptions about her role in his career, highlighting the changing societal norms.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions from tension to humor, engaging the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals insights into the characters' personalities and relationship dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between the characters, the sense of urgency and competition, and the witty dialogue that reveals the characters' personalities and motivations.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and momentum, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey. The rapid-fire dialogue and dynamic action enhance the scene's pacing and rhythm.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a character-driven drama, with clear character motivations and conflict driving the action. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and revealing the characters' personalities.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the relationship between Rance and Emily, showcasing their dynamic through playful banter. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to deepen their connection and reveal more about their individual characters and motivations.
  • The urgency of Rance's situation is clear, but the transition from the previous scene's tension to this domestic moment feels abrupt. A stronger connection between the two scenes could enhance the narrative flow, perhaps by incorporating a brief mention of the impending threat or Rance's stress about the missed story.
  • Emily's character is introduced as intelligent and assertive, yet her motivations for wanting to join Rance could be more explicitly stated. This would add depth to her character and clarify her stance against her father's outdated views.
  • The humor in the scene is light and enjoyable, but it risks undermining the urgency of Rance's situation. Balancing the comedic elements with the underlying tension of the story could create a more cohesive tone.
  • The physical actions of the characters, such as Rance rushing out and Emily preparing to follow, are clear, but the scene could benefit from more descriptive visual elements to enhance the atmosphere and setting. For example, describing the kitchen's ambiance or the urgency in Rance's movements could add depth.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line or two that hints at the urgency of Rance's work situation, perhaps through a brief mention of the threat or the importance of the story he missed.
  • Enhance Emily's character by providing a specific reason for her desire to join Rance, which could also serve to challenge Rance's initial reluctance based on his father's views.
  • Incorporate more subtext in the dialogue to reveal deeper emotions or concerns, allowing the audience to infer the stakes of the situation without explicitly stating them.
  • Balance the humor with the tension by ensuring that the comedic moments do not overshadow the urgency of Rance's departure. This could be achieved by having Rance express a moment of concern before the humor takes over.
  • Add more sensory details to the scene, such as the smell of coffee brewing or the sound of the newspaper rustling, to create a more immersive experience for the audience.



Scene 5 -  Tensions in the Newsroom
INT. WWNEWS - DALLAS - DAY

Rance steps off the elevator to see RJ Stryker (60s, intense,
determined) berating the newsroom employees.

RJ
You're supposed to be goddamn
reporters, so how did we miss this?

Rance approaches RJ and taps his shoulder.

RANCE
I've got this, RJ. It was my fault,
not theirs.

RJ
You're damn right it was your
fault. I’ve already fired your
boss, and if you don't turn this
around, it’s your turn.
(a beat)
I ought to have Emily run the show.

RJ glares at Rance, then heads to his office. He is startled
to see Emily sitting in a chair by his desk.

RJ STRYKER
What the hell are you doing here?
The newsroom is no place for a
woman.

Emily stands and looks into the newsroom. She places her
hands on her hips and turns to face RJ.
6


EMILY
And I thought dinosaurs were
extinct.

RJ mumbles something unintelligible, then puts on his cowboy
hat and heads for the door.

Rance faces the group with a scowl.

RANCE
Don’t think I’m here to coddle you.
All of you are at fault. When I
didn’t answer the phone, somebody
should have come to get me.
Rance stands atop a chair and raises his voice.

RANCE (CONT’D)
I want to know why we were scooped
by The Tribune, The Post, The
Times, and others. And most
importantly — why no one notified
me.

Rance holds up the front pages of three papers.


INSERTS:


THE TRIBUNE:

Meteors hit Kansas City and Phoenix. Fires still burning.


THE POST:

Meteor showers hit major cities around the world.


THE TIMES:

Meteor shower shuts down Cairo and Paris.

RANCE
Two million people a month travel
between Dallas, Phoenix, and Kansas
City. And Cairo and Paris have a
combined population of almost 25
million. So why the hell don’t we
have these headlines?
(a beat)
(MORE)
7
RANCE (CONT’D)
If we hope to survive as one of the
last print papers, we need stories
— good stories.

TONY (40, top-notch reporter, all business, articulate) yells
out.

TONY
There were reports of UFOs hiding
among the meteors.

Rance laughs and puts a cigarette in his mouth, but he
doesn’t light it.

RANCE
Tony, do you know how many UFO
sightings we’ve had in the past few
years? Too many to count and waaaay
too many to print?
(a beat)
But if you find me a source who
will talk about the UFOs, maybe
I’ll run it. It’s not page-one
material, but it might be printable
— if we have a reliable source.

Tony grabs his briefcase and his recorder and heads toward
the door.

TONY
I’ve got just the source. He saw
one of them land.

RANCE
What’s his occupation?

TONY
He’s an attorney, a good one, and
he’s right here in Dallas.

RANCE
I don’t trust attorneys, but if you
get a good vibe, run with it.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Drama"]

Summary In the WWNews newsroom, Rance faces an angry RJ Stryker, who reprimands the staff for missing key news stories about meteor showers. Taking responsibility, Rance is threatened with termination if improvements aren't made. Emily challenges RJ's sexist views, asserting her place in the workplace. Rance demands accountability from the team, while Tony suggests a potential UFO story related to the meteors, prompting Rance to consider it if Tony can find a credible source. The scene highlights the tense dynamics in the newsroom, ending with Tony pursuing the UFO lead.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Engaging character dynamics
  • Blend of genres
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched elements
  • Slightly predictable plot twists

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends tension, humor, and intrigue, setting up multiple plot threads and character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of combining a newsroom drama with science fiction elements is unique and engaging, offering a fresh take on both genres.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced through the introduction of UFO sightings and meteors, creating intrigue and setting up future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the traditional newsroom setting by incorporating elements of mystery and conspiracy. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions are believable.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their interactions drive the scene forward, showcasing their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

Rance's sense of responsibility and urgency is highlighted, while Emily's determination and wit shine through, setting up potential character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Rance's internal goal in this scene is to take responsibility for the missed story and prove himself as a capable leader. He wants to show that he can handle the pressure and make tough decisions.

External Goal: 9

Rance's external goal is to uncover the truth behind the missed story about the meteor showers and UFO sightings. He wants to investigate the source and potentially publish a groundbreaking story.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between the characters, the newsroom pressure, and the looming threat of UFOs and meteors creates a tense and dynamic atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and challenges for the protagonist to overcome. Rance must navigate internal and external obstacles to achieve his goals.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of the newsroom pressure, the threat of UFOs and meteors, and the characters' personal and professional challenges raise the tension and importance of the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing key plot points, conflicts, and character dynamics that will impact future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the investigation of the meteor showers and UFO sightings. The characters' actions keep the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between traditional journalism values of fact-checking and reliable sources, and the sensationalism of UFO stories. Rance must balance the need for credibility with the desire for a compelling story.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions from urgency and frustration to humor and camaraderie, engaging the audience on an emotional level.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and reveals important information about the characters and the unfolding events.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, fast-paced dialogue, and conflict between characters. The audience is drawn into the tension and mystery of the unfolding story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest. The dialogue and action are well-paced, with moments of intensity and humor.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The action is described concisely and effectively.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a dramatic newsroom confrontation, with clear character motivations and escalating tension. The pacing and dialogue flow smoothly.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the tension and urgency within the newsroom, showcasing Rance's leadership and the pressure he faces. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to enhance character depth. For instance, RJ's aggressive demeanor towards Rance and Emily could be layered with hints of personal bias or past experiences that inform his views on women in the workplace.
  • Emily's introduction is strong, but her character could be further developed. While she challenges RJ's outdated views, her motivations and background are not explored. Adding a line or two that hints at her qualifications or past experiences in journalism would strengthen her position and make her challenge to RJ more impactful.
  • Rance's transition from addressing RJ to confronting the newsroom staff feels abrupt. A brief moment of internal conflict or hesitation could add depth to his character, showing his struggle between loyalty to his team and the pressure from RJ. This would make his leadership more relatable and nuanced.
  • The use of inserts for the newspaper headlines is effective in conveying the urgency of the situation, but the scene could benefit from a more dynamic visual presentation. Instead of simply holding up the papers, consider having Rance interact with them in a way that emphasizes their importance, such as pointing out specific details or using them to illustrate his points more vividly.
  • Tony's introduction as a top-notch reporter is clear, but his dialogue lacks a strong hook. Instead of simply stating there were reports of UFOs, he could provide a more compelling anecdote or detail that piques Rance's interest immediately, making the audience more invested in the potential story.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of hesitation or internal conflict for Rance before he addresses the newsroom, which would add depth to his character and show the weight of the situation he is in.
  • Enhance Emily's character by including a line that highlights her qualifications or experience in journalism, making her challenge to RJ more credible and impactful.
  • Make Rance's interaction with the newspaper headlines more dynamic by having him point out specific details or use them to illustrate his arguments, rather than just holding them up.
  • Revise Tony's dialogue to include a more compelling hook or anecdote about the UFO sightings, which would immediately engage Rance and the audience.
  • Consider incorporating more subtext in RJ's dialogue to hint at his personal biases or past experiences, which would add complexity to his character and the conflict with Emily.



Scene 6 -  The Vanishing Figure
INT. SIMMS AND PARKINS OFFICE - DAY

Tony sits in a chair across from TIMOTHY (40, blue suit,
glasses, intense look). He places a recorder on the table
between them and leans back.

Timothy takes a deep breath and leans forward.
8

TIMOTHY
I was on my way home, about twenty
miles northwest of the city, when I
saw this weird light descending
into the woods west of me. And
before you ask — no, I hadn’t been
drinking.

TONY
So, west of you, the driver’s side?

TIMOTHY
Yes. Anyway, I drove on for another
mile or so, then I decided to see
what it was. I was on a dark road,
heavily wooded, when something
showed up in my headlights. It
looked like a man, and it, or he,
lifted its hands and shielded its
eyes. I slammed on the brakes, but
not in time. I hit it pretty hard.

TONY
What then?

TIMOTHY
Now comes the weird part. I jumped
out of the car and went to see if
he, or it, was all right, but when
I rounded the front of the car,
nothing was there. I looked under
the car and went into the woods
nearby, but whatever I hit was
gone.

TONY
Gone?

TIMOTHY
Yeah, gone, as in disappeared. Not
there. Vanished.

TONY
And you’re sure you hit something?
Maybe it was a deer or a coyote,
and it ran off.

Timothy laughs.
9

TIMOTHY
I knew I’d get this reaction, but
no, it definitely wasn’t a coyote
or a deer. It was human or human-
like, and I hit it hard enough so
that it should still be there; in
fact, it dented my fender. I’m
taking the car to the repair shop
to see about fixing it.

Tony perks up.

TONY
How about giving me the repair
shop’s name so I can check it out?

Timothy writes down the address and hands it to Tony.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense interview at the Simms and Parkins office, Timothy recounts a bizarre incident where he saw a strange light and a human-like figure on the road while driving home. After the collision, he finds nothing at the scene, insisting it vanished, while Tony, the skeptical investigator, questions the validity of his claims. Despite Tony's doubts, Timothy's conviction is strong, especially after noting a dent in his car. The scene concludes with Timothy providing Tony the address of a repair shop, hinting at further investigation.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Mysterious atmosphere
  • Intriguing plot development
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional impact
  • Character development could be enhanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and curiosity through the mysterious encounter described by Timothy. The dialogue is engaging and keeps the audience intrigued about the strange events unfolding.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a mysterious encounter with a vanishing figure adds depth to the plot and keeps the audience engaged. It introduces a new element of intrigue and sets up potential conflicts and resolutions in future scenes.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced through the introduction of the mysterious encounter, adding complexity and depth to the overall story. It sets up potential conflicts and resolutions that will drive the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the supernatural encounter trope by blending elements of mystery and skepticism. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Tony and Timothy are well-developed in this scene, with Timothy's encounter adding depth to his character and Tony's investigative nature driving the plot forward. However, more development could enhance the emotional impact of the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While Timothy undergoes a change in perception due to his encounter, more development could enhance the impact of this change on the character and the overall plot.

Internal Goal: 8

Timothy's internal goal in this scene is to convince Tony that he encountered something supernatural and unexplainable. This reflects Timothy's need for validation and understanding of his experience, as well as his fear of being dismissed or not believed.

External Goal: 7

Timothy's external goal in this scene is to get his car repaired after hitting the mysterious being. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in dealing with the aftermath of the encounter.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily driven by the mysterious encounter described by Timothy, adding tension and intrigue to the plot. It sets up potential conflicts and resolutions that will drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to challenge Timothy's beliefs and values, creating conflict and tension in the dialogue.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderately high in this scene, as Timothy's encounter with the vanishing figure raises questions about the nature of the mysterious events unfolding. It sets up potential conflicts and resolutions that will impact the characters and the overall plot.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a new plot element through Timothy's mysterious encounter. It sets up potential conflicts and resolutions that will drive the narrative forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist in Timothy's encounter with the mysterious being, leaving the audience unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between rational explanations and supernatural beliefs. Tony represents the rational, skeptical viewpoint, while Timothy believes in the supernatural and unexplainable. This challenges Timothy's beliefs and values, as well as his worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The emotional impact of the scene is moderate, with the mysterious encounter adding tension and intrigue. However, more character development and emotional depth could enhance the impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between Tony and Timothy is engaging and effectively conveys the mysterious nature of the encounter. It keeps the audience intrigued and sets up potential plot developments in future scenes.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the suspenseful storytelling, realistic dialogue, and intriguing mystery presented.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense gradually, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for a mystery or supernatural genre, with a gradual reveal of information and building tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of intrigue and mystery through Timothy's account of the incident. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext and emotional depth. Timothy's intense look and the serious nature of his story could be contrasted with Tony's skepticism to create a more dynamic interaction.
  • While the scene provides a clear narrative of Timothy's experience, it lacks visual elements that could enhance the storytelling. Describing Timothy's body language, the setting of the office, or even the atmosphere could help ground the scene and make it more engaging for the audience.
  • The pacing of the scene feels a bit rushed, particularly in Timothy's recounting of the event. Allowing for pauses or reactions from Tony could build tension and give the audience time to absorb the gravity of Timothy's claims.
  • Tony's skepticism is a common trope in investigative narratives, but it could be more nuanced. Instead of outright disbelief, he could express a mix of curiosity and doubt, which would make his character more relatable and add complexity to the dialogue.
  • The transition from Timothy's intense recounting to the practical exchange of information about the repair shop feels abrupt. A smoother transition could be achieved by incorporating more dialogue that reflects Tony's growing interest in the story, perhaps by asking more probing questions about Timothy's experience.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more visual descriptions to set the scene and enhance the atmosphere. For example, describe the clutter of the office, the expressions on the characters' faces, or the tension in the air as Timothy recounts his story.
  • Add pauses or reactions from Tony during Timothy's recounting to build suspense and allow the audience to process the information. This could also highlight the contrast between Timothy's intensity and Tony's skepticism.
  • Consider giving Tony a more complex reaction to Timothy's story. Instead of outright disbelief, he could express curiosity while still maintaining a skeptical edge, which would make the dialogue feel more realistic.
  • Use subtext in the dialogue to convey deeper emotions. For instance, Timothy could reveal more about his feelings regarding the incident, such as fear or confusion, which would add layers to his character and make the scene more compelling.
  • Smooth the transition to the practical exchange about the repair shop by having Tony ask more questions about the incident before moving on to the logistics. This would maintain the tension and keep the focus on the mystery of what Timothy experienced.



Scene 7 -  Under the Hood
INT. EPPS CAR REPAIR - DAY

Tony ducks under the garage door and approaches LEX (50,
scraggly beard, hoarse voice).

TONY
Timothy told me I might run into
you here.

Lex looks out from under the propped-up hood of a pickup.

LEX
Everybody knows I’m here. What do
you want?

TONY
Timothy said he suffered damage to
the bumper on his car last night.
Mind if I see it?

Lex gestures to a car waiting in the next bay.

LEX
Not much to see, but there it is.

Tony bends down and inspects the bumper, using a magnifier to
view more detail.

TONY
Do me a favor. Don’t do anything
with this. I’ll call a buddy and
see if he can get a forensics team
here.
(MORE)
10
TONY (CONT’D)
They usually don’t come unless
there’s a body, but they may make
an exception.

Lex shakes his head.

LEX
Can’t do it. Tim’s a good customer,
and I told him I’d get right on it.

Tony pulls out a wad of hundreds and hands two bills to Lex.

TONY
This make it worth your while?

Lex takes the bills and pockets them.

LEX
That’ll do until noon tomorrow.
After that, I can’t promise
anything.

TONY
That should work, thanks.

Tony heads for the exit when he meets Officer Justine Marcus
entering with ANOTHER OFFICER. He looks quizzically at them,
then stops for a talk.

TONY (CONT’D)
Can I help you?

Justine shakes her head as she nonchalantly looks around and
inspects the fenders of each car.

JUSTINE
Here to gather some evidence from
an accident last night.

TONY
If it’s the one with the lawyer, we
already have a CSU team on the way.
Should be here soon.

Justine glares at Tony and heads for the door.

JUSTINE
Guess you don’t need us then.

Tony watches as she exits. He takes out his phone and records
a few thoughts.
11


TONY
(talking into phone)
Why are the cops so interested in a
minor accident? And why did they
come so quickly?
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Tony visits Epps Car Repair to investigate a car accident, seeking information about damage to a bumper. He persuades Lex, the mechanic, to prioritize the repair by offering cash, despite Lex's initial reluctance due to his commitment to a regular customer. Their transaction creates tension, especially when Officer Justine Marcus arrives to gather evidence but leaves frustrated after learning a CSU team is already involved. The scene concludes with Tony recording his thoughts, questioning the police's interest in the minor incident.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing mystery setup
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Lack of significant character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces multiple plot threads, characters, and conflicts, setting up a compelling mystery and raising the stakes for the main characters. The dialogue is engaging, and the pacing keeps the audience intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a mysterious car accident, police involvement, and potential cover-up is intriguing and sets the stage for further developments in the storyline. The introduction of forensic investigation adds depth to the mystery.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is engaging and moves the story forward by introducing new elements and conflicts. The investigation into the car accident adds complexity to the narrative and raises the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime investigation genre by blending elements of loyalty and justice. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters in the scene are well-defined and their motivations are clear. The conflict between Tony, Lex, and Officer Justine adds depth to the character dynamics.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions between the characters reveal their motivations and relationships, setting the stage for potential development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Tony's internal goal is to uncover the truth behind the accident and potentially solve a mystery. This reflects his desire for justice and his need to protect his friend Timothy.

External Goal: 7

Tony's external goal is to gather evidence and potentially involve a forensics team in investigating the accident. This reflects the immediate challenge of solving a crime and protecting his friend.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Tony, Lex, and Officer Justine adds tension and intrigue to the scene, raising the stakes for the characters and driving the plot forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, adding depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes in the scene are established through the potential cover-up, conflicting interests, and the involvement of the police, adding urgency and tension to the storyline.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new plot elements, conflicts, and mysteries, setting up future developments and keeping the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected actions of the characters and the mystery surrounding the accident.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between loyalty to a friend and the pursuit of justice. Tony must balance his loyalty to Timothy with his duty to uncover the truth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene focuses more on building suspense and intrigue rather than emotional depth, but the conflict and mystery elements create a sense of anticipation and curiosity.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is sharp and engaging, driving the plot forward and revealing key information about the characters and their motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its suspenseful atmosphere, sharp dialogue, and intriguing plot developments.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively and keeps the audience engaged with its rapid dialogue and plot developments.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and plot progression.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of urgency and tension through Tony's interactions with Lex and the police officers. However, the dialogue could be more dynamic to enhance character development and conflict. For instance, Lex's reluctance to delay the repair could be expanded to show his personal stakes or relationship with Timothy, adding depth to his character.
  • The introduction of Officer Justine Marcus adds an interesting layer to the scene, but her character could be more fleshed out. Her motivations for being at the repair shop and her relationship with Tony could be hinted at through subtext or additional dialogue, which would create a more engaging dynamic.
  • Tony's skepticism about the police's interest in the minor accident is a good plot point, but it could be emphasized more. Perhaps he could express more frustration or confusion, which would heighten the tension and intrigue surrounding the accident and the police's involvement.
  • The use of the phone recording at the end is a nice touch, but it feels somewhat abrupt. It could be more impactful if it included a more specific question or concern that ties back to the overarching mystery of the story, making it feel like a natural progression rather than a sudden shift.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition from Tony's interaction with Lex to the encounter with Justine could be smoother. A brief moment of reflection or internal dialogue from Tony could help bridge these interactions and maintain the scene's flow.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more backstory or context to Lex's character to make his reluctance to delay the repair more compelling. This could involve a brief mention of his relationship with Timothy or the importance of keeping good customers happy.
  • Enhance Officer Justine's character by including a line or two that hints at her motivations or feelings about the case. This could create a more complex interaction between her and Tony, adding tension to their exchange.
  • Amplify Tony's skepticism about the police's interest by incorporating more emotional language or physical reactions, such as pacing or fidgeting, to convey his growing concern about the situation.
  • Revise the phone recording at the end to include a more specific question or insight that ties back to the main plot, making it feel like a natural conclusion to the scene rather than an abrupt shift.
  • Smooth the transition between Tony's conversation with Lex and his encounter with Justine by adding a moment of reflection or internal thought, which would help maintain the scene's pacing and flow.



Scene 8 -  Breaking News: The Urgency of the Moment
INT. WWNEWS - NY - DAY

MARIO Pallini (45, well-dressed, focused, questions
everything) turns the volume up on the POLICE RADIO and leans
down to listen closely.

POLICE RADIO
Repeat, armed robbery in progress.
Proceed with caution. The suspect
has a gun.

Mario jots down notes while the radio is on, then he grabs
his jacket and camera and rushes for the exit.

MARIO
I’m going to check this out. I’ll
call if it’s noteworthy.
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a tense newsroom in New York City, journalist Mario Pallini listens to a police radio reporting an armed robbery in progress. Driven by urgency, he takes notes and quickly prepares to investigate the scene, showcasing his commitment to covering breaking news. The scene captures his determination as he rushes out, leaving the conflict of the robbery unresolved.
Strengths
  • Engaging blend of genres
  • Effective tension-building
  • Intriguing plot developments
Weaknesses
  • Character depth could be further developed
  • Emotional connections could be strengthened

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends multiple genres and tones, keeping the audience engaged with a mix of suspense, drama, and light-hearted moments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of blending a newsroom setting with alien infiltration adds depth and intrigue to the story, keeping the audience guessing about the true nature of events.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene, introducing new conflicts and mysteries that drive the narrative forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar scenario of an armed robbery but adds a fresh perspective through the character of Mario and his journalistic approach. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined and serve their roles in the scene, but could benefit from further development to enhance their depth and complexity.

Character Changes: 6

While some characters show hints of growth and development, more significant changes could enhance the impact of the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Mario's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth and report on important events. This reflects his deeper desire to make a difference and expose wrongdoing.

External Goal: 9

Mario's external goal in this scene is to investigate the armed robbery and potentially capture it on camera. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing and the need to act quickly to get the story.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is high, with multiple tensions arising from the newsroom pressure, alien infiltration, and personal dynamics between characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the armed robbery presenting a significant obstacle for Mario to overcome.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with the potential threat of alien infiltration, newsroom pressure, and personal consequences for the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new plot elements, conflicts, and mysteries that will drive future events.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the outcome of the armed robbery and Mario's involvement is uncertain, creating tension and suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the value of truth and justice versus personal safety. Mario must weigh the importance of reporting on the armed robbery against the potential danger he may face.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions from the audience, including anxiety, curiosity, and amusement, but could deepen emotional connections with characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and serves to move the story forward, with moments of tension, humor, and intrigue.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it immediately sets up a high-stakes situation and propels the action forward, keeping the audience invested in Mario's journey.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast-paced and dynamic, reflecting the urgency of the situation and keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper use of scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a thriller genre, with a clear setup of the conflict and the protagonist's response.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes Mario's character as a dedicated journalist who is quick to respond to breaking news. However, it lacks depth in terms of his emotional state or motivation. Adding a brief internal thought or a line of dialogue that reflects his feelings about the danger of the situation could enhance the audience's connection to him.
  • The urgency of the police radio announcement is clear, but the scene could benefit from more sensory details. Describing the sounds of the newsroom, the atmosphere, or even Mario's physical reactions (like a racing heartbeat or a quickened breath) would heighten the tension and immerse the audience in the moment.
  • The dialogue is functional but lacks a sense of urgency or excitement. Mario's line about calling if it's noteworthy feels somewhat flat. A more dynamic or emotionally charged line could better convey his eagerness and the gravity of the situation.
  • The transition from the police radio to Mario's action feels abrupt. A brief moment where he hesitates or reflects on the potential danger before rushing out could add depth to his character and create a more compelling narrative flow.
  • The scene is visually straightforward, but incorporating more visual elements could enhance the storytelling. For example, showing Mario's hurried movements, the chaos of the newsroom, or even the reactions of other journalists could create a more vivid picture of the environment.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line of internal dialogue or a brief flashback that reveals why this armed robbery is particularly significant to Mario, perhaps linking it to a past experience or a personal stake in the story.
  • Incorporate sensory details to create a more immersive atmosphere. Describe the sounds of the newsroom, the tension in the air, or even the physical sensations Mario experiences as he prepares to leave.
  • Revise Mario's dialogue to reflect a greater sense of urgency or excitement. For example, instead of 'I’ll call if it’s noteworthy,' he could say something like, 'This could be big—I'll keep you posted!'
  • Add a moment of hesitation or reflection for Mario before he rushes out, which could serve to heighten the tension and showcase his character's awareness of the risks involved.
  • Enhance the visual storytelling by including more dynamic actions or reactions from Mario and his surroundings, such as other journalists glancing up from their work or the sound of the police radio cutting through the usual newsroom noise.



Scene 9 -  Night Patrol: The Unlocked Pharmacy
INT/EXT. POLICE CAR - TARRYTOWN - NIGHT

OFFICER ROB JAMIESON (50, jolly but by-the-book rigid) picks
up the mic and answers the call.

OFFICER ROB JAMIESON
This is patrol car 276. I’m blocks
away and will respond immediately.
Stand by for updates.

A block away from the pharmacy, Rob turns off the lights on
his patrol car. He inches up toward the front door and slowly
gets out, drawing his firearm as he does.

He tests the front door and finds it unlocked, so he
carefully opens the door and steps inside.
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Officer Rob Jamieson, a diligent and cheerful officer, responds to a call at night in Tarrytown. He approaches an unlocked pharmacy, turns off his patrol car's lights, and cautiously exits his vehicle. Drawing his firearm for safety, he prepares to investigate the potentially dangerous situation inside. The scene is filled with tension as he steps into the unknown, committed to his duty.
Strengths
  • Effective tension and suspense
  • Strong character development
  • High-stakes conflict
Weaknesses
  • Limited character changes
  • Moderate emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense, introducing a high-stakes situation with the armed robbery. The execution is well-done, keeping the audience engaged and eager to see how the events will unfold.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an armed robbery in progress adds a sense of urgency and danger to the scene, setting up a high-stakes situation that drives the narrative forward.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is well-structured, focusing on the unfolding events of the armed robbery and Officer Rob Jamieson's response. It effectively moves the story forward and sets up future developments.

Originality: 8

The scene demonstrates originality through its realistic portrayal of a police officer responding to a potential break-in, as well as the authentic use of dialogue and action to build suspense.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters in the scene, particularly Officer Rob Jamieson, are well-developed and portrayed convincingly. Their actions and dialogue contribute to the tension and suspense of the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in the scene, Officer Rob Jamieson's actions and response to the armed robbery showcase his determination and commitment to his duty.

Internal Goal: 8

Officer Rob Jamieson's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and ensure the safety of the situation. This reflects his deeper need for order and protection, as well as his fear of potential danger or harm.

External Goal: 7

Officer Rob Jamieson's external goal in this scene is to investigate a potential break-in at the pharmacy and apprehend any suspects. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in maintaining law and order in the town.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with the armed robbery in progress creating a sense of danger and urgency. Officer Rob Jamieson's response adds to the conflict, driving the tension of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Officer Rob Jamieson faces the challenge of investigating a potential break-in and potentially risking his own safety in the process.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with an armed robbery in progress adding a sense of danger and urgency to the unfolding events.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward, introducing a new conflict with the armed robbery in progress and setting up future developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it leaves the audience unsure of what will happen next, creating a sense of suspense and anticipation.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the balance between upholding the law and potentially risking his own safety. This challenges Officer Rob Jamieson's beliefs in justice and duty, as well as his worldview on the importance of protecting the community.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, with the tension and suspense of the armed robbery in progress evoking feelings of anxiety and anticipation in the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the urgency and tension of the situation, with Officer Rob Jamieson's communication adding to the suspense of the armed robbery in progress.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats as they wonder what will happen next.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually and maintaining a sense of urgency throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a suspenseful thriller genre, with a clear setup, rising tension, and a cliffhanger ending.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes Officer Rob Jamieson's character as both jolly and rigid, which adds depth to his persona. However, the contrast between his jolly demeanor and the seriousness of the situation could be further emphasized through his internal thoughts or brief flashbacks that highlight his past experiences on the job.
  • The tension in the scene is built through the slow, cautious movements of Officer Jamieson as he approaches the pharmacy. However, the pacing could be improved by incorporating more sensory details, such as the sounds of the night or the atmosphere inside the pharmacy, to heighten the suspense.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works well for a tense scene, but adding a brief internal monologue or a radio communication could provide insight into Officer Jamieson's thoughts and heighten the stakes. This would also help to break up the action and give the audience a glimpse into his mindset.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one feels abrupt. A smoother transition could be achieved by including a brief moment that connects Mario's urgency to Officer Jamieson's response, perhaps through a shared radio frequency or a mention of the robbery that Mario is investigating.
  • The visual elements are somewhat standard for a police procedural scene. To make it more engaging, consider incorporating unique visual motifs or camera angles that reflect Officer Jamieson's personality or the tension of the moment, such as a close-up of his hand gripping the firearm or a wide shot of the empty street.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Officer Jamieson to provide insight into his character and heighten the tension as he approaches the pharmacy.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to create a richer atmosphere, such as the sounds of the night or the eerie silence inside the pharmacy, to enhance the suspense.
  • Smooth the transition from the previous scene by connecting Mario's urgency to Officer Jamieson's response, possibly through shared radio communication or a mention of the robbery.
  • Experiment with unique visual motifs or camera angles to reflect Officer Jamieson's personality and the tension of the moment, making the scene more visually engaging.
  • Consider adding a moment of hesitation or doubt for Officer Jamieson as he approaches the pharmacy, which could create additional tension and make the audience more invested in his safety.



Scene 10 -  Midnight Heist
INT. PHARMACY - TARRYTOWN - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

A HOODED FIGURE (male, dark-green hoodie, slim) stands behind
the counter going through bottles of prescription drugs. He
turns quickly and sees Officer Jamieson approaching, gun
drawn.

The hooded figure crouches and moves quickly toward the back
door, stuffing bottles of pills into a bag he carries.
12


Officer Jamieson peers over the shelves stocked with canned
foods and bags of snacks.

OFFICER ROB JAMIESON
Stop or I’ll shoot!

Jamieson points his gun, but the hooded figure runs. Jamieson
cocks his gun and fires, hitting the man in the upper arm,
but he continues running toward the back door. Jamieson fires
three more times but misses.

He looks out the back door and sees nothing but woods and
darkness. Jamieson goes back through the store and stops to
look at a small pool of blood near the counter.

OFFICER ROB JAMIESON (CONT’D)
Sally, I need CSU to gather blood
evidence at Nelson’s Pharmacy and,
let me know as soon as you get it
analyzed.
(a beat)
I’ll alert the local hospitals and
urgent care centers to be on the
lookout for anyone seeking
treatment for a gunshot wound.

Jamieson hangs up and turns around to see Mario from WWNEWS.

OFFICER ROB JAMIESON (CONT’D)
(startled)
What the hell are you doing here?
You scared the hell out of me.

MARIO
I caught it on the radio. Besides,
I needed to see what was going on.

OFFICER ROB JAMIESON
It’s crazy shit, Mario. Whoever did
this, left all the painkillers and
Schedule III drugs.

Mario jots down some notes as Rob talks.

MARIO
You see anything else like this?

OFFICER ROB JAMIESON
I heard Barney’s place was hit last
night, but I don’t know what they
took. I’ll call him and find out.

Mario puts the notebook in his pocket and taps Rob on the
shoulder.
13


MARIO
Keep me posted, will you? Between
the two of us, we just might find
out who’s behind this. I could use
a good story, and something like
this might fit.

Mario takes another look around, jots down a few more notes,
then walks toward the exit.
Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense nighttime confrontation at a pharmacy in Tarrytown, Officer Rob Jamieson catches a hooded figure stealing prescription drugs. Despite being shot in the arm, the thief escapes into the woods, prompting Jamieson to call for assistance and alert local hospitals. As he processes the chaotic scene, Mario from WWNEWS arrives to gather information for a news story, discussing the robbery and the ongoing crime wave with Jamieson. The scene ends with Jamieson left to handle the aftermath while Mario departs with his notes.
Strengths
  • Strong tension and suspense
  • Compelling character interactions
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development for secondary characters
  • Some predictable plot elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds suspense and introduces a compelling mystery while showcasing strong character dynamics and engaging dialogue.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a pharmacy heist intertwined with investigative journalism adds depth to the scene and sets up intriguing possibilities for future developments.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and moves forward effectively, introducing a central conflict and setting up potential resolutions. The scene contributes significantly to the overall narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar crime genre setting but adds a unique twist with the focus on drug-related crimes in a small town. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and exhibit distinct personalities that drive the action forward. The interactions between Officer Jamieson and Mario add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Officer Jamieson undergoes a minor change in perception as he collaborates with Mario, showcasing a willingness to work outside traditional law enforcement boundaries.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to solve the pharmacy robbery and apprehend the suspect. This reflects his desire to protect the community and uphold the law, as well as his fear of failing to catch the criminal.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal is to gather evidence, track down the suspect, and prevent further crimes. This reflects the immediate challenge of investigating a robbery and maintaining public safety.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict is high, with a tense confrontation between Officer Jamieson and the hooded figure, as well as the underlying mystery of the pharmacy heist.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the suspect's actions creating obstacles for the protagonist and raising the stakes of the investigation. The audience is kept on edge as they wonder how the conflict will be resolved.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Officer Jamieson and Mario race to uncover the identity of the pharmacy heist perpetrator, with potential consequences for public safety and law enforcement credibility.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a key conflict, establishing character dynamics, and setting up future investigative developments.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected actions of the suspect and the unresolved mystery of the robbery. The audience is left wondering about the identity of the criminal and their motives.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of justice, crime, and the impact of drug addiction on a community. Officer Jamieson's commitment to upholding the law clashes with the criminal behavior and drug-related crimes he is investigating.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a sense of suspense and curiosity, engaging the audience emotionally as they follow the characters' pursuit of the truth.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and serves to advance the plot while revealing character motivations and relationships. It effectively conveys tension and intrigue.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, suspenseful dialogue, and intriguing mystery. The audience is drawn into the investigation and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and description that maintains the tension and momentum of the investigation. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and formatting enhance the tension and suspense of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes tension and urgency with Officer Jamieson's entrance and the immediate threat posed by the hooded figure. However, the stakes could be heightened further by providing more context about the significance of the robbery, such as the potential impact on the community or the officer's personal stakes in the situation.
  • The dialogue between Officer Jamieson and Mario feels somewhat expository. While it serves to convey information about the robbery and previous incidents, it could be more dynamic. Consider incorporating subtext or conflict in their exchange to make it feel more natural and engaging.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition from the gunfire to the conversation with Mario feels abrupt. A brief moment of reflection or a physical reaction from Jamieson after the shooting could enhance the emotional weight of the moment and provide a smoother transition.
  • The description of the hooded figure is minimal, which can work to create mystery, but it might be beneficial to include a few more details about his demeanor or actions to make him feel more tangible. This could help the audience connect with the threat he poses.
  • The scene ends rather abruptly with Mario leaving. It might be more impactful to conclude with a moment that emphasizes the gravity of the situation, such as Jamieson contemplating the implications of the robbery or expressing concern about the potential for further incidents.
Suggestions
  • Add a brief internal monologue or reflection from Officer Jamieson after the shooting to convey his emotional state and the weight of the situation.
  • Incorporate more dynamic dialogue between Jamieson and Mario that reveals their relationship and adds layers to their characters, perhaps by including a personal anecdote or a shared history.
  • Consider extending the scene to include a moment where Jamieson processes the aftermath of the robbery, such as looking at the blood or contemplating the implications of the crime on the community.
  • Enhance the description of the hooded figure to create a stronger visual image and increase the tension surrounding his escape.
  • End the scene with a more impactful moment, such as Jamieson receiving a call about another robbery or expressing concern about the safety of the community, to leave the audience with a sense of urgency and anticipation.



Scene 11 -  Mission Focus Amidst Crisis
INT. KARO’S HOUSE - DAY

Karo sits on a sofa with Crew Members One and Two (35 - 40,
fit, smooth talkers). They’re both drinking condensed milk
from small bottles. A few of them drink tomato juice.

CREW MEMBER ONE
I heard Richard was hit by a car.

KARO
We expected a casualty or two, but
I prefer to look at the statistics
in a positive light: we had almost
200 who arrived safely.
(a beat)
So let’s put Richard’s demise aside
and focus on the mission.

Karo sips his coffee, then whispers to his companions.

KARO (CONT’D)
Now that you have assumed your
positions, we are prepared to help
others when they arrive. We have
taken forms in law enforcement,
politics, the newspaper, and more.
Use this to our advantage.

CREW MEMBER TWO
What about —?

KARO
The High Commander will arrive
soon. You will be notified when
it’s time. Until then, stay
invisible. If I need you, I’ll make
the call.

Karo heads toward the kitchen.
14
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Thriller"]

Summary In Karo's living room, he discusses the aftermath of Richard's car accident with two crew members. While acknowledging the seriousness of the situation, Karo emphasizes the positive outcome of nearly 200 safe arrivals and instructs the crew to remain discreet and focused on their mission. The tone is pragmatic and somber as Karo redirects the conversation towards their objectives, ultimately leaving the crew to await further orders.
Strengths
  • Effective world-building
  • Intriguing plot development
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Lack of character growth in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a mysterious and suspenseful atmosphere with the introduction of the alien infiltration plans. The dialogue and interactions between the characters add depth to the plot and hint at larger stakes.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of alien infiltration and the strategic planning involved adds depth to the overall story. It introduces a new layer of conflict and raises questions about the aliens' motives and goals.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of the alien infiltration plans, setting up future conflicts and character arcs. It adds complexity to the overall narrative and raises the stakes for the protagonists.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a unique group of characters involved in covert operations, with a fresh approach to discussing missions and casualties. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined and their interactions reveal their personalities and motivations. The introduction of the High Commander hints at a larger hierarchy within the alien group.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the introduction of the alien infiltration plans sets the stage for potential character development and moral dilemmas in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Karo's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and focus on the mission despite the casualty of Richard. This reflects his need for leadership and determination in the face of adversity.

External Goal: 7

Karo's external goal is to prepare his crew members for the arrival of the High Commander and ensure they are ready to assist others when needed.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as the aliens grapple with the need for secrecy and the potential risks of their mission. The tension between maintaining human identities and achieving their goals adds depth to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from the potential risks and challenges the characters face in their covert operations, adding suspense and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene, as the aliens' mission to infiltrate human society carries significant risks and consequences. The potential discovery of their true identities adds tension and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new plot element (alien infiltration) and raising the stakes for the protagonists. It sets up future conflicts and challenges for the characters to overcome.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the cryptic dialogue and the unknown outcome of the characters' mission.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the characters' loyalty to their mission and the potential risks involved in their secretive operations. This challenges their beliefs in duty and sacrifice.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The emotional impact of the scene is moderate, as the focus is more on building tension and intrigue rather than eliciting strong emotional responses. However, the stakes are raised, leading to a sense of foreboding.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and serves to advance the plot while revealing important information about the alien infiltration plans. It also adds depth to the characters and their relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mysterious atmosphere, sharp dialogue, and the sense of impending danger.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a balance of dialogue and action to keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful thriller genre, with a clear setup of the characters and their mission.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes Karo's character as a pragmatic leader who prioritizes the mission over individual losses. However, the dialogue could benefit from more emotional depth to convey the gravity of Richard's situation, as it currently feels somewhat detached.
  • The use of condensed milk and tomato juice as drinks is an interesting choice, but it lacks context or significance. It might be more impactful if these choices were tied to the characters' backgrounds or the alien culture, enhancing the world-building.
  • The transition from discussing Richard's demise to focusing on the mission feels abrupt. A smoother segue could help maintain the flow of the scene and emphasize the tension between personal loss and the larger mission.
  • Karo's whispering to his companions adds an element of secrecy, but it could be more effective if the dialogue included hints of urgency or concern about their situation. This would create a stronger sense of stakes and tension.
  • The scene lacks visual dynamics. Describing the setting in more detail could enhance the atmosphere and provide a clearer picture of Karo's environment, which is crucial for immersing the audience in the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line or two that reflects Karo's feelings about Richard's fate, perhaps showing a moment of silence or a brief acknowledgment of the loss before shifting focus to the mission.
  • Explore the significance of the drinks they are consuming. Perhaps they could be a cultural reference or a metaphor for their situation, adding layers to the scene.
  • Introduce a more gradual transition between discussing Richard and the mission. For example, Karo could reflect on the risks involved in their operations before pivoting to the mission details.
  • Enhance the whispering dialogue by incorporating a sense of urgency or concern, making it clear that the stakes are high and that they are under pressure to perform.
  • Add more descriptive elements to the setting, such as the decor of Karo's house or the atmosphere in the room, to create a more vivid and engaging scene.



Scene 12 -  Unraveling the Mystery
INT. WWNEWS - DALLAS - DAY

Rance picks up the phone, a frustrated look on his face.

RANCE
Yeah, what do you want?

MARIO (V.O.)
Rance, you old shit, you’re letting
your Philadelphia roots show.
Where’s that Dallas charm?

RANCE
You know where you can stick your
Dallas charm. What’s up?

MARIO
Lookin’ for a story, as always, and
I think I might have one.
(a beat)
We’ve had a few pharmacies robbed,
but they didn’t take any Schedule
III drugs.
Rance loses his smile, gets up, and closes the door.

RANCE
What did they take?

MARIO (V.O.)
Not what you’d expect. They took
drugs for cholesterol, blood
pressure, liver problems. . .
Nothing addictive.

RANCE
You’ve got my attention now. We’ve
had two pharmacy break-ins, and
they took the same kind of drugs.
We didn’t investigate because they
looked to be random break-ins.

MARIO (V.O.)
Damn. Did we stumble onto a new
cocktail the kids use to get high?

RANCE
Good question. Have your people
keep their eyes open, and I’ll do
the same.
(MORE)
15
RANCE (CONT’D)
I’ve got my best guy on a UFO
sighting — which is right up his
alley — and once he’s on a story,
he’s like a dog with a bone. But
I’ll get someone else on this.

CYNDI (40s, business suit, ponytail) enters the office but
Rance motions her to leave.

CYNDI
(whispering)
I’ll only be a minute, sir. I need
to see your files on that rash of
carjackings last week.

Rance points to his bottom desk drawer and stretches his
landline cord so he can sit on the edge of his desk, then his
cell phone rings.

RANCE
Mario, let me get back to you; I’ve
got Tony calling on the other line.

TONY (V.O.)
Rance, I called in a favor to get
Sofia here as soon as possible. And
I ran into Officer Justine Marcus
while I was here. I didn’t like the
way she acted. Nothing I can put my
finger on, just a feeling.

RANCE
I’ll get on it. Good job.

TONY (V.O.)
And by the way, I’m looking at this
in a whole new light.

RANCE
How so?

TONY (V.O.)
The lawyer had his story together.
He was credible, and he definitely
hit something with his car. I hope
Sofia can tell us what.
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Mystery","Crime"]

Summary In Rance's office at WWNEWS, the journalist receives a call from Mario about a series of pharmacy robberies involving non-addictive drugs, sparking his curiosity about their potential connection. As he contemplates the investigation, Cyndi briefly interrupts for files, but Rance is focused on the phone calls. Tony later calls to express concerns about Officer Justine Marcus and a credible lawyer, prompting Rance to decide to delve deeper into these intertwined stories, despite his current workload.
Strengths
  • Intriguing premise
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Engaging character dynamics
  • Multiple interconnected storylines
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up multiple plot threads and mysteries, engaging the audience with its intriguing premise and building tension. The dialogue is sharp and moves the story forward, while the characters show depth and complexity.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a pharmaceutical mystery intertwined with UFO sightings and a robbery adds depth and intrigue to the scene. The blending of different genres creates a unique and compelling narrative that keeps the audience invested.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, introducing multiple storylines and conflicts that drive the narrative forward. The scene effectively sets up mysteries and tensions that promise exciting developments in the future.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on investigative journalism and mystery-solving, with unique character interactions and plot developments.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and exhibit depth, with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions and conflicts add layers to the scene, enhancing the overall storytelling.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions and conflicts set the stage for potential growth and development in the future. The characters' decisions and actions hint at possible transformations.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to uncover the truth behind the recent pharmacy robberies and investigate the potential new drug cocktail being used by kids.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to follow up on leads and assign the right people to investigate the pharmacy robberies and other suspicious activities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene contains multiple conflicts, including the pharmaceutical mystery, UFO sightings, and a robbery incident, creating tension and suspense. The conflicts drive the plot forward and keep the audience engaged.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and challenge the protagonist's investigative skills.

High Stakes: 8

The scene establishes high stakes through the pharmaceutical mystery, UFO sightings, and robbery incident, creating tension and suspense. The characters' actions and decisions carry significant consequences, raising the stakes for future events.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new plot points, conflicts, and mysteries. It sets up intriguing developments and promises exciting resolutions, driving the narrative towards compelling outcomes.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the investigation and the mysterious nature of the pharmacy robberies.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's dedication to uncovering the truth and solving mysteries, even when faced with obstacles or skepticism.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of intrigue and suspense, engaging the audience emotionally with its mysterious elements and character dynamics. The tension and stakes heighten the emotional impact of the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and serves the purpose of advancing the plot and revealing character dynamics. It effectively conveys the tone of mystery and suspense, keeping the audience intrigued.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the quick pacing, sharp dialogue, and intriguing mystery elements.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining tension and keeping the audience engaged in the investigation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a mystery/detective genre, with clear character motivations and plot progression.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of urgency and intrigue with the phone call between Rance and Mario. The dialogue is snappy and reflects their established relationship, which adds depth to their characters.
  • Rance's frustration at the beginning sets the tone well, but it could be enhanced by providing a brief context for his mood. A line or two about his day or the pressure he's under could make his reaction more relatable.
  • The transition between Mario's call and Cyndi's entrance feels a bit abrupt. While it serves to introduce another subplot, it disrupts the flow of the conversation. A smoother transition could help maintain the scene's momentum.
  • Cyndi's request for files on carjackings is a good way to introduce another storyline, but it feels somewhat disconnected from the main focus of the pharmacy robberies. It might benefit from a line that ties her request back to the urgency of the current investigation.
  • The dialogue between Rance and Tony is informative but could be more dynamic. Adding some tension or conflict in their exchange could heighten the stakes and keep the audience engaged.
  • The scene ends on a note of uncertainty with Tony's comment about the lawyer, which is effective. However, it could be strengthened by hinting at the implications of this new information for Rance and the investigation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line or two at the beginning to provide context for Rance's frustration, which would help the audience connect with his character more deeply.
  • Smooth out the transition between Mario's call and Cyndi's entrance by incorporating a line that links the two conversations, perhaps suggesting that Rance is juggling multiple urgent stories.
  • Enhance Cyndi's role in the scene by giving her a line that connects her request to the pharmacy robberies, reinforcing the urgency of the situation.
  • Introduce more tension in the dialogue between Rance and Tony, perhaps by having Rance express skepticism about the lawyer's credibility or the implications of the new information.
  • Consider ending the scene with a stronger visual or emotional cue that emphasizes the stakes of the investigation, such as Rance's reaction to Tony's news or a visual of him preparing to dive into the next steps.



Scene 13 -  A Dangerous Directive
INT. CREW MEMBER ONE’S CAR - DAY

Crew Member One’s cell phone rings, and she pulls to the
shoulder of the road.
16


CREW MEMBER ONE
Yes, Commander.

KARO (V.O.)
The reporter at WWNEWS needs to
disappear, and quickly.

CREW MEMBER ONE
Gallo?

KARO (V.O.)
No, the one who works for him —
Tony. He knows too much.

CREW MEMBER ONE
I’ll let Officer Marcus know.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Crew Member One receives a tense phone call from Karo while parked on the side of the road. Karo instructs her to eliminate a reporter named Tony, who poses a threat due to his knowledge of sensitive information. Acknowledging the order, Crew Member One agrees to inform Officer Marcus about the situation, setting the stage for a dangerous conflict.
Strengths
  • Intriguing plotlines
  • Strong tension and suspense
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Well-defined characters
Weaknesses
  • Some minor pacing issues
  • Slight lack of character development in certain areas

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension, introduces multiple plot threads, and sets up intriguing mysteries. The pacing is well-executed, and the dialogue is engaging.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene is innovative and engaging, blending elements of science fiction, mystery, and investigative journalism. The introduction of alien infiltration adds a unique twist to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot is intricate and well-developed, with multiple storylines converging to create a sense of complexity and intrigue. The scene effectively advances the overall narrative while introducing new conflicts and mysteries.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar trope of covert operations and secrecy but adds a twist with the moral dilemma of 'disappearing' someone. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are distinct and well-defined, each with their own motivations and conflicts. The interactions between the characters drive the plot forward and add depth to the story.

Character Changes: 7

Several characters experience subtle changes in their motivations and relationships throughout the scene, setting up potential character arcs and development in future episodes.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect their team and ensure the success of their mission. This reflects their deeper need for security and loyalty to their organization.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to carry out the orders given to them by Commander Karo, which involves dealing with a potential threat to their operation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with various conflicts, both internal and external, that drive the plot forward and create tension. The conflicts between characters and the looming threat of alien infiltration raise the stakes and keep the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the protagonist is faced with a difficult decision that will have consequences for their mission and team.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing imminent threats, mysteries, and conflicts that have far-reaching consequences for the story and its characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new plot elements, conflicts, and mysteries that propel the narrative towards its next major developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a moral dilemma that challenges the audience's expectations and keeps them guessing about the characters' actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the morality of 'disappearing' someone who knows too much. It challenges the protagonist's beliefs about loyalty, duty, and the greater good.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of urgency, curiosity, and determination in the characters, which resonates with the audience and creates an emotional connection to the story.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, engaging, and reveals important information about the characters and their relationships. The conversations feel natural and help to build tension and suspense.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, mysterious plot, and moral dilemma that keeps the audience on edge.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a sense of urgency and tension that propels the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful thriller, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of urgency and danger with Karo's directive to eliminate Tony, which raises the stakes for the audience. However, the dialogue feels somewhat flat and lacks emotional weight. The characters' motivations and feelings about the situation could be more vividly expressed to enhance the tension.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one is abrupt. While it is clear that the conversation is about Tony, the connection to the previous scene could be strengthened by incorporating a brief mention of the context or urgency surrounding Tony's knowledge. This would help the audience understand why his elimination is critical.
  • The setting inside Crew Member One's car is not utilized to its full potential. There are opportunities to visually convey her emotional state or the atmosphere outside, which could enhance the tension. For example, showing her glancing nervously in the rearview mirror or the weather reflecting her anxiety could add depth.
  • Karo's voiceover is effective in conveying authority, but it lacks a personal touch. Adding a line that reflects Karo's feelings about the task or the implications of eliminating Tony could make him a more complex character. This would also help the audience connect with the moral implications of the order.
  • The scene ends rather abruptly after Crew Member One's response. A more impactful conclusion could involve her internal conflict or a visual cue that suggests her hesitation or determination, leaving the audience with a stronger emotional reaction.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more emotional depth to the dialogue. Allow Crew Member One to express her feelings about the order, whether it's reluctance, fear, or a sense of duty. This will create a more engaging character dynamic.
  • Enhance the transition from the previous scene by including a line that references the urgency of the situation or Tony's specific knowledge that makes him a target. This will provide clarity and context for the audience.
  • Utilize the car setting to reflect Crew Member One's emotional state. Incorporate visual elements such as her body language, facial expressions, or the environment outside the car to create a more immersive experience.
  • Add a line to Karo's dialogue that reveals his personal stakes or feelings about the mission. This could humanize him and create a more complex antagonist.
  • Consider extending the scene slightly to include a moment of reflection for Crew Member One after the call. This could involve her contemplating the implications of her actions, which would add depth and tension to the narrative.



Scene 14 -  Unexpected Encounter
EXT. WEST OF DALLAS - NIGHT

Tony exits the freeway and turns down a side road. Within
moments, he sees flashing lights behind him. He checks his
speed and decides to ignore it. He turns at the next
intersection and slows down even more. The cop car follows,
and he hears the siren WAILING, so he pulls over.

Officer Marcus steers her patrol car to the shoulder of the
road. She gets out of the car but leaves her lights flashing.
She walks to Tony’s car holding a flashlight.

JUSTINE
Please step out of the car and show
your license and registration.

TONY
What is this regarding, Officer?

JUSTINE
Routine check.

Tony looks up at her and stares, then he reaches for the
glove compartment and hands the documents to her.

TONY
I saw you at the car shop this
afternoon, so what are you doing
this far west of town?

Justine shines her flashlight on the documents and appears to
read them.
17


JUSTINE
Would you please step out of the
car, sir?

TONY
What for?

Justine sighs.

JUSTINE
Just step outside and place your
hands on top of the roof.

Tony reluctantly gets out, turns around, and puts his hands
on the roof.

TONY
You want to tell me why you stopped
me?

Justine pulls a device from her side pocket and shoots him.
The smell of burning flesh permeates the air, and his body
glows bright, then brighter, until he disappears. A large
puddle of liquid lies on the ground where Tony stood.
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary In a tense nighttime encounter on a side road west of Dallas, Tony is pulled over by Officer Justine, who requests his license and registration. Despite his attempts to engage her, she insists he step out of the car. The situation escalates dramatically when Justine uses a mysterious device to eliminate Tony, causing his body to glow and vanish, leaving only a puddle of liquid behind.
Strengths
  • Strong tension and suspense
  • Intriguing concept
  • Effective plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Character development could be further explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery, keeping the audience engaged throughout. The unexpected disappearance of Tony adds a shocking element that raises the stakes and leaves the audience wanting more.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene, involving a mysterious disappearance and a confrontation between a journalist and a police officer, is intriguing and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is engaging and moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and mysteries.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on a familiar scenario of a police stop, incorporating elements of science fiction and suspense to create a unique and engaging narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters in the scene are well-defined and contribute to the overall tension and mystery. However, more development could enhance their impact.

Character Changes: 7

The character of Tony undergoes a significant change through his disappearance, which adds complexity to the narrative.

Internal Goal: 8

Tony's internal goal in this scene is to understand why he has been stopped by Officer Marcus and to navigate the situation without escalating it further.

External Goal: 9

Tony's external goal in this scene is to avoid any trouble with the law and to figure out why he has been stopped by Officer Marcus.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, which drives the narrative forward and keeps the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Tony faces a sudden and unexpected threat from Officer Marcus, creating a sense of danger and uncertainty for the audience.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes in the scene, including the disappearance of a character and the confrontation between Tony and Officer Marcus, add tension and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts and mysteries that will drive the plot in future scenes.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because it subverts the audience's expectations with the sudden disappearance of Tony, adding a layer of mystery and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the power dynamic between law enforcement and civilians, as well as the use of technology in policing. This challenges Tony's beliefs about authority and justice.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from suspense to shock, but could benefit from deeper emotional resonance.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is sharp and helps to establish the characters' motivations and conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it keeps the audience on edge with its suspenseful atmosphere and unexpected plot twist.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a buildup of tension, a climax, and a surprising resolution, fitting the expected format for a suspenseful thriller genre.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the interaction between Tony and Officer Marcus, creating a sense of foreboding as Tony is pulled over. However, the abruptness of the climax, where Justine shoots Tony, feels rushed. The audience may benefit from a more gradual build-up to this moment, allowing for a deeper emotional connection to Tony's character and the stakes involved.
  • The dialogue between Tony and Justine lacks depth and could be enhanced to reveal more about their characters. For instance, Tony's initial nonchalance could be contrasted with a growing sense of dread as the scene progresses. Justine's responses could also reflect her internal conflict about following orders versus her duty as a police officer, adding complexity to her character.
  • The visual description of the scene is somewhat lacking. While the action is clear, incorporating more sensory details could enhance the atmosphere. For example, describing the night sounds, the tension in the air, or Tony's physical reactions (sweating, heart racing) could immerse the audience further into the moment.
  • The transition from the routine traffic stop to the violent climax feels abrupt. A moment of hesitation or a brief internal monologue from Tony could heighten the tension and make the moment more impactful. This would also give the audience a chance to process the sudden shift from a mundane situation to a life-threatening one.
  • The aftermath of the shooting, where Tony's body glows and disappears, is visually striking but could benefit from more context. Exploring the implications of this event—how it affects the narrative and the characters involved—would strengthen the scene's significance within the larger story.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of hesitation or internal conflict for Justine before she shoots Tony, which could add depth to her character and heighten the tension.
  • Enhance the dialogue to reveal more about Tony's personality and his relationship with Justine. This could involve more back-and-forth banter or tension that hints at their past interactions.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to create a richer atmosphere. Describe the sounds of the night, the feeling of the cool air, or Tony's physical reactions to the situation.
  • Slow down the pacing leading up to the climax. Allow for a moment where Tony senses something is off, which could build suspense before the sudden violence.
  • Provide more context for the glowing and disappearing effect after Tony is shot. This could involve a brief reflection from Justine or a hint at the larger alien conspiracy at play, making the moment feel more integral to the plot.



Scene 15 -  Missing in Action
INT. WWNEWS - DALLAS - DAY

Rance mumbles to himself as he paces the office looking more
frustrated with each step. The longer he continues, the
louder his voice gets.

RANCE
Where the hell is Tony? Damn! It’s
nine o’clock.

Cyndi taps Rance on the shoulder, and when he spins around,
Cyndi takes a step back.

RANCE (CONT’D)
If he calls in, I’m holding a spot
for him above the fold, but if he
doesn’t, I’ve gotta cancel.

CYNDI
That’s what I came to tell you,
sir, Tony’s wife called. They found
his car several miles from his
house, but he wasn’t in it, and so
far, he hasn’t been found.
18

RANCE
What the hell is going on?

CYNDI
(hesitantly)
Sir, I did some checking, and the
road where Tony’s car was found is
not on his way home, but it does
lead to that attorney’s house —
Timothy . . . something.

RANCE
(smiling)
Good job, Cyndi.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In the WWNews office, Rance anxiously paces, frustrated by Tony's unexplained absence. Cyndi interrupts to inform him that Tony's car has been found abandoned near an attorney's house, raising concerns about his safety. Rance appreciates Cyndi's investigative efforts, but the tension remains as they grapple with the uncertainty of Tony's situation.
Strengths
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Introducing a new mystery element
  • Effective pacing and plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth in dialogue
  • Character development could be further explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and curiosity through the disappearance of Tony, creating a sense of urgency and mystery that keeps the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a missing reporter adds depth to the overall plot, introducing new conflicts and mysteries that propel the story forward.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced significantly with the introduction of Tony's disappearance, setting the stage for further investigation and character development.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh situation of a character's disappearance in a newsroom setting, adding authenticity to the characters' actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters in the scene are well-defined and their reactions to Tony's disappearance add depth to their personalities. However, more development could enhance the emotional impact of the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the introduction of Tony's disappearance sets the stage for potential growth and development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Rance's internal goal in this scene is to find out what happened to Tony and to maintain control over the situation. This reflects his need for order and his fear of losing control in a crisis.

External Goal: 9

Rance's external goal is to figure out the whereabouts of Tony and to make decisions regarding the news coverage. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in managing the newsroom amidst a potential crisis.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily driven by the mystery of Tony's disappearance, creating tension and intrigue that propel the story forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing a challenging situation that tests their loyalty and trust.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene due to the potential danger and mystery surrounding Tony's disappearance, adding urgency and tension to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a new mystery and conflict surrounding Tony's disappearance, setting the stage for further investigation and plot development.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected disappearance of Tony and the mystery surrounding his whereabouts.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the value of loyalty and trust. Rance must decide how much he trusts Tony and how far he is willing to go to support him.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The emotional impact of the scene is moderate, with a focus on suspense and intrigue rather than deep emotional connections.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the urgency and concern surrounding Tony's disappearance, but could benefit from more emotional depth and character interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, suspenseful plot, and intriguing character dynamics.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, building tension and suspense as the characters uncover new information.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, adhering to industry standards for screenplay writing.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys Rance's growing frustration and urgency regarding Tony's disappearance, which is crucial given the preceding scene's shocking conclusion. However, the transition from the intense and surreal moment of Tony's elimination to Rance's mundane office setting feels abrupt. This shift could benefit from a more gradual transition or a brief moment of reflection on the implications of Tony's fate.
  • Cyndi's character is introduced in this scene, but her dialogue lacks depth and emotional weight. While she delivers important information, her hesitance could be expanded to reflect her own concern about the situation. Adding a line or two that shows her emotional reaction to the news could enhance the tension and make her character more relatable.
  • Rance's dialogue is clear and conveys his frustration, but it could be more dynamic. Instead of simply stating his feelings, consider incorporating more physicality or internal thoughts that reveal his mental state. This would help the audience connect with his character on a deeper level.
  • The pacing of the scene is somewhat uneven. Rance's pacing and escalating frustration are effective, but the dialogue exchange with Cyndi feels rushed. Allowing for a moment of silence or a pause after Cyndi delivers the news could heighten the tension and give Rance's reaction more impact.
  • The scene lacks visual elements that could enhance the emotional stakes. Describing Rance's body language, such as clenched fists or a furrowed brow, could visually communicate his frustration and anxiety. Additionally, incorporating the office environment—like the clutter of papers or the ticking clock—could create a more immersive atmosphere.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of silence or a visual cue that reflects the gravity of Tony's disappearance before transitioning to Rance's office. This could help maintain the tension from the previous scene.
  • Enhance Cyndi's character by giving her a line that expresses her concern or fear about Tony's situation, making her more relatable and adding emotional depth to the scene.
  • Incorporate more physicality into Rance's dialogue to convey his frustration. For example, describe him running a hand through his hair or slamming a fist on the desk to emphasize his emotional state.
  • Allow for a pause after Cyndi delivers the news to give Rance a moment to process the information. This could heighten the tension and make his reaction more impactful.
  • Add more visual details to the scene, such as Rance's body language and the office environment, to create a more immersive experience for the audience.



Scene 16 -  A Reporter’s Desperation
EXT. TONY’S CAR — WEST OF DALLAS - DAY

Rance pulls to the side of the road, parking behind several
patrol cars. He opens the door and steps alongside Officer
Justine Marcus.

RANCE
You know anything yet?

JUSTINE
Who are you?

Rance reaches for his wallet. He pulls out his license and
his WWNEWS ID and hands it to her.

RANCE
Rance Gallo, WWNEWS. The reporter
who’s missing works for me.

Rance moves to the front of the car and bends down to inspect
the bumper. He pulls out a flashlight to see better.

Justine taps him on the shoulder.

JUSTINE
This is a crime scene. You need to
back up.

Rance stands and offers an apologetic grin.

RANCE
Just checking to see if he hit
something.

Justine shakes her head.
19


JUSTINE
I’m sorry your friend is missing,
but I don’t see how him hitting
something would cause him to
disappear.

Rance takes another look around, then heads back to his car,
sidestepping a puddle of water as he passes Tony’s car. He
opens the door, gets behind the wheel, and drives off.
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Mystery","Crime"]

Summary Rance Gallo, a reporter, arrives at a crime scene in search of his missing colleague. He speaks with Officer Justine Marcus, who informs him of the crime scene protocols and expresses her condolences. Despite his determination to gather clues, Rance is unable to obtain any new information and ultimately leaves the scene, highlighting the tension between his urgency and the restrictions of the investigation.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Intriguing mystery setup
  • Strong character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery through the investigation of Tony's disappearance, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a missing reporter and a mysterious disappearance adds depth to the overall plot, introducing intrigue and suspense into the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene through the investigation of Tony's disappearance, setting up future conflicts and developments in the story.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar investigative scenario but adds a fresh perspective through the dynamic between Rance and Justine, as well as the subtle clues about the missing reporter's disappearance.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Rance and Officer Justine are well-developed in this scene, with clear motivations and interactions that drive the narrative forward.

Character Changes: 6

Rance experiences a shift in perspective as he delves deeper into the investigation of Tony's disappearance, showing his dedication to uncovering the truth.

Internal Goal: 8

Rance's internal goal is to find out what happened to his missing reporter, reflecting his need for answers and closure.

External Goal: 7

Rance's external goal is to investigate the disappearance of his reporter, which reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene arises from the mystery of Tony's disappearance and the tension between Rance and Officer Justine, creating a sense of urgency and intrigue.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to challenge Rance's investigative instincts and create conflict, adding depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes in the scene revolve around the disappearance of a key character, the potential danger he may be in, and the implications for the ongoing investigation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new mystery, establishing character dynamics, and setting up future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the conflicting perspectives of Rance and Justine, leaving the audience unsure of how the investigation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Rance's belief that investigating the bumper could provide clues and Justine's skepticism that it would lead to any answers. This challenges Rance's investigative instincts and belief in following leads.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a moderate emotional impact through the concern for Tony's well-being and the mystery surrounding his disappearance.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the tension and mystery surrounding Tony's disappearance, as well as the dynamic between Rance and Officer Justine.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the suspenseful atmosphere, the dynamic between Rance and Justine, and the mystery surrounding the missing reporter.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining audience interest, with a good balance of action and dialogue.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows standard screenplay formatting conventions, making it easy to read and understand for industry professionals.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character actions and dialogue that advance the plot and reveal character motivations effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes Rance's urgency and concern for Tony, but it lacks emotional depth. Rance's dialogue could be more expressive to convey his anxiety about Tony's disappearance. Adding internal thoughts or a brief flashback could enhance the emotional stakes.
  • Justine's character comes off as somewhat one-dimensional. While she is enforcing the crime scene protocol, her dialogue could include more personality or backstory to make her more relatable or complex. This would create a more engaging dynamic between her and Rance.
  • The pacing of the scene feels a bit rushed. Rance's quick transition from questioning Justine to inspecting the car could benefit from a moment of tension or hesitation, allowing the audience to feel the weight of the situation more acutely.
  • The visual elements are somewhat standard. While Rance inspecting the bumper is a good visual cue, there could be more descriptive imagery to set the scene. For instance, describing the atmosphere, the sounds of the police activity, or the weather could add layers to the setting.
  • The dialogue lacks subtext. Justine's response to Rance about the missing reporter could hint at her own suspicions or frustrations regarding the case, adding complexity to their interaction. This would create a more engaging back-and-forth and deepen the conflict.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Rance reflects on his relationship with Tony before arriving at the crime scene. This could be a brief flashback or a thought that adds emotional weight to his investigation.
  • Develop Justine's character by giving her a line that reveals her own concerns or frustrations about the case. This could create a more dynamic interaction with Rance and add depth to her character.
  • Slow down the pacing slightly to allow for more tension. Perhaps Rance could hesitate before inspecting the car, reflecting his internal conflict about the situation.
  • Enhance the visual description of the scene. Include sensory details such as the sounds of the police radios, the smell of asphalt, or the tension in the air to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Incorporate subtext into the dialogue. Allow Justine to express skepticism or concern about the circumstances surrounding Tony's disappearance, which could lead to a more layered conversation with Rance.



Scene 17 -  Chase in the Shadows
INT. RANCE’S CAR - NIGHT

The road is narrow and winds through the woods in a tortuous
path. As Rance navigates a bend in the road, light reflects
off the rearview mirror. He gives a cursory glance and then
adjusts the mirror to deflect the glare.

Rance increases his speed to fifty-five, but continues to
glance in the mirror. He takes a few turns on less-traveled
roads, but the lights remain.

Rance heads toward the city and sees a crowd gathered at an
intersection ahead. He pulls over, quickly gets out, and
looks behind him.

The car that was following him takes a turn. Rance stares
until the car disappears, then he drives home.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Rance drives nervously through a dark, winding road, feeling paranoid as a car follows him. Despite his attempts to shake off the tail by speeding and taking less-traveled routes, he remains on edge. Upon reaching a crowded intersection, he pulls over to investigate, only to watch the following car turn away and disappear. Relieved yet still anxious, Rance continues home, the tension of being pursued lingering in the air.
Strengths
  • Building tension and suspense
  • Creating a sense of mystery and intrigue
  • Engaging the audience with a compelling premise
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Limited character development in the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively creates a tense and mysterious atmosphere, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the unfolding events. The pacing and buildup of suspense are well-executed, leading to a compelling cliffhanger ending.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Rance being followed by an unknown car on a dark, winding road effectively creates tension and mystery. The scene sets up a compelling premise that leaves the audience wanting to know more about the unfolding events.

Plot: 7

The plot of the scene revolves around Rance being followed by an unknown car, leading to a sense of danger and intrigue. The scene effectively sets up a larger mystery or conflict that drives the narrative forward.

Originality: 7

The scene is fairly original in its depiction of a suspenseful car chase at night. The actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the sense of danger and mystery.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Rance is portrayed as a determined and resourceful journalist who finds himself in a potentially dangerous situation. His actions and reactions in the scene reveal his quick thinking and ability to handle unexpected challenges.

Character Changes: 6

While Rance does not undergo significant character development in this scene, his quick thinking and resourcefulness in handling the situation hint at his ability to adapt to unexpected challenges. The scene sets up potential growth for the character as he navigates the mystery and danger ahead.

Internal Goal: 8

Rance's internal goal in this scene is to protect himself and figure out who is following him. This reflects his deeper need for safety and security, as well as his fear of being in danger.

External Goal: 7

Rance's external goal in this scene is to evade his pursuer and make it home safely. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing of being followed and potentially in danger.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Rance grapples with the unknown car following him and the sense of danger it brings. The tension and suspense are heightened by the uncertainty of the situation, creating a compelling conflict for the character.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Rance facing a mysterious threat that he must evade. The audience is kept in suspense about the outcome, adding to the tension.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high in the scene as Rance finds himself followed by an unknown car on a dark, winding road. The sense of danger and mystery surrounding the situation raises the stakes for the character and sets up potential risks and challenges ahead.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a new mystery and conflict for Rance to navigate. The sense of danger and intrigue created by the unknown car following him sets up future developments and keeps the audience engaged in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because the reader is unsure of who is following Rance and what their intentions are. The outcome is uncertain, adding to the suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Rance's desire for safety and the unknown threat that is following him. This challenges his beliefs about his own ability to protect himself and the trust he has in his surroundings.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of anxiety and curiosity in the audience, as they are drawn into Rance's potentially dangerous situation. The emotional impact is heightened by the suspenseful atmosphere and the unknown motives of the car following him.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but serves its purpose in conveying the necessary information and building tension. The interactions between Rance and the unknown car driver are brief but effective in creating a sense of unease.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it keeps the reader on edge with its suspenseful atmosphere and mysterious events. The tension builds effectively, drawing the reader in.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual increase in speed and intensity leading to a climactic moment. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise descriptions and dialogue. It adheres to the expected format for a suspenseful scene.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a suspenseful car chase, building tension and leading to a climactic moment. The pacing and rhythm are effective in creating suspense.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by placing Rance in a precarious situation, where he feels he is being followed. However, the stakes could be heightened further by incorporating more internal conflict or fear in Rance's thoughts. This would allow the audience to connect more deeply with his anxiety.
  • The description of the setting is somewhat vague. While the narrow, winding road adds to the tension, providing more sensory details—such as the sounds of the woods, the chill in the air, or the feeling of isolation—could enhance the atmosphere and immerse the audience in Rance's experience.
  • Rance's actions are clear, but his motivations could be more explicitly conveyed. Why is he so concerned about being followed? Is it just the recent events surrounding Tony, or is there a deeper fear? Adding a brief flashback or a line of dialogue reflecting on his current state of mind could provide context.
  • The transition from the tension of being followed to the crowd at the intersection feels abrupt. A smoother transition could be achieved by having Rance's thoughts shift from the fear of being followed to curiosity about the crowd, perhaps even speculating if they are related to his situation.
  • The ending of the scene, where Rance drives home after the car disappears, lacks a strong emotional or narrative punch. It would be more impactful if Rance had a moment of reflection or a decision that hints at the next steps he plans to take, reinforcing his determination to uncover the truth.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate Rance's internal monologue to express his fears and thoughts about being followed, which would help the audience empathize with his situation.
  • Add more sensory details to the setting to create a more immersive experience, such as sounds, smells, or the feeling of the night air.
  • Consider including a brief flashback or a line of dialogue that reveals Rance's deeper motivations for his anxiety about being followed, enhancing character depth.
  • Create a smoother transition to the crowd at the intersection by having Rance speculate about their presence, which could also serve to heighten his tension.
  • End the scene with a stronger emotional note, perhaps by showing Rance's resolve to investigate further or a moment of doubt that leaves the audience wanting to know what happens next.



Scene 18 -  A Tense Reunion
INT. GALLO HOUSE - NIGHT


KITCHEN

Rance takes off his jacket, grabs a beer from the fridge, and
sits at the table.

RANCE
Hey, doll. I’m finally home.

Emily sits next to Rance and kisses his cheek.

EMILY
How was your day?

Rance pulls her close and hugs her.
20


RANCE
My day was crazy, but I’m more
concerned about what happened on
the way home. I’m pretty sure I was
followed by a cop.
EMILY
Why would you be followed - unless
it was for bad reporting?

Rance throws a dish towel at her and laughs, then he opens a
beer, leans back, and sips it. Emily sits on his lap and
snuggles.

RANCE
I can’t imagine why anyone would
follow me, but I’m sure someone
was.

EMILY
Whether there was or wasn’t, I
wouldn’t shrug it off so quickly.

RANCE
Don’t go getting weird on me.

EMILY
I’m not, but as much as I disagree
with my father, he’s right about
one thing: you should always carry
a gun because you never know who
you might have to shoot.
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary After a long day, Rance returns home to a warm greeting from Emily, but his lighthearted mood shifts as he expresses concern about possibly being followed by a cop. Their playful banter turns serious when Emily emphasizes the importance of safety, influenced by her father's beliefs about protection. The scene captures their affectionate relationship amidst an underlying tension, ending with Emily's serious reminder about the necessity of being armed.
Strengths
  • Effective blend of personal moments with mystery and suspense
  • Well-developed characters with conflicting views and potential for growth
  • Intriguing introduction of mysterious elements that drive the plot forward
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of clarity on the resolution of the mysterious elements introduced
  • Limited character development within the scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines personal moments with hints of suspense and danger, keeping the audience engaged and curious about what will happen next.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of blending personal relationships with mysterious elements adds depth and complexity to the scene, setting up potential conflicts and character development.

Plot: 7

The plot introduces intriguing elements such as the mysterious car following Rance and the differing views on safety between the characters, setting up potential conflicts and developments.

Originality: 7

The scene offers a fresh take on the domestic setting by introducing elements of suspense and tension through Rance's concern about being followed.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and conflicting views that add depth to their interactions.

Character Changes: 6

While there are hints of potential character development, such as the conflict between Rance and Emily's views on safety, the scene does not show significant changes in the characters yet.

Internal Goal: 8

Rance's internal goal in this scene is to feel safe and secure in his home, as indicated by his concern about being followed by a cop. This reflects his deeper need for protection and stability.

External Goal: 7

Rance's external goal in this scene is to relax and unwind after a long day, as shown by his actions of taking off his jacket, grabbing a beer, and sitting at the table.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene introduces potential conflicts between the characters' views on safety and risk, as well as the mysterious elements hinting at danger and intrigue.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with Emily's cautious attitude contrasting with Rance's carefree demeanor.

High Stakes: 7

The scene hints at high stakes through the mysterious car following Rance, the differing views on safety between the characters, and the overall sense of danger and intrigue.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new elements, conflicts, and mysteries that drive the plot towards further developments.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected revelation of Rance being followed by a cop.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Rance's carefree attitude towards being followed and Emily's more cautious approach, reflecting their differing beliefs about safety and security.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from affection between the characters to tension and curiosity about the mysterious elements introduced.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' personalities and sets up potential conflicts and developments.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the naturalistic dialogue and the subtle tension between the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a domestic drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a contrast between Rance's tense day and the comfort of home, but it could benefit from deeper emotional stakes. Rance's concern about being followed feels somewhat underplayed in the dialogue, which leans more towards humor than tension. This could undermine the gravity of the situation he just experienced.
  • Emily's character comes across as supportive, but her dialogue could be more impactful. Instead of a light-hearted jab about Rance's reporting, she could express genuine concern about his safety, which would heighten the tension and make her warning about carrying a gun feel more urgent.
  • The physical actions, such as Rance throwing a dish towel and laughing, create a moment of levity, but they may detract from the underlying tension of the scene. Balancing humor with the seriousness of Rance's situation could enhance the emotional depth.
  • The dialogue feels somewhat conventional and could be more distinctive to reflect the characters' personalities. For instance, Rance's response to Emily's concern could include a more personal touch, revealing his vulnerabilities or fears about the situation.
  • The scene lacks a strong visual element that could enhance the atmosphere. Describing the kitchen setting in more detail or incorporating sensory elements (like the sound of the fridge opening or the feel of the beer can) could create a more immersive experience for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Rance reflects on the fear he felt while being followed, perhaps through a brief flashback or a more serious tone in his dialogue. This would help convey the weight of the situation.
  • Revise Emily's dialogue to express more concern for Rance's safety, perhaps by referencing specific dangers in their current environment or the implications of being followed by a cop.
  • Introduce a visual motif or sound that reinforces the tension, such as the distant sound of sirens or the flickering of lights in the kitchen, to create an unsettling atmosphere.
  • Explore the use of subtext in their conversation. For example, Rance could downplay his fear while Emily could subtly challenge his bravado, creating a deeper emotional connection between them.
  • Consider ending the scene with a more suspenseful note, perhaps by having Rance receive a mysterious phone call or hearing a noise outside, which would leave the audience with a sense of foreboding.



Scene 19 -  Cliffside Catastrophe
INT. NELSON’S PHARMACY - TARRYTOWN - NIGHT

OFFICER CRENSHAW (55, bald, heavy, focused) sits in a folding
chair, guarding the blood sample left by the robber. The CSU
team enters and gathers the blood evidence and looks for
more. After bagging everything, they leave.

EXT. CSU VEHICLE - WEST OF TARRYTOWN - DAY

DRIVER (40, competent, nonchalant) drives slowly down a road
that winds along the cliffs above the Hudson River. He
admires the view and points out historical sights to the
other techs.
21


INT. CSU VEHICLE - CONTINUOUS
As Driver rounds a bend on a cliffside road offering a
spectacular view of the Hudson, a garbage truck increases
speed on a road about to intersect the CSU vehicle.

A MAN jumps from the truck just before it hits the CSU
vehicle broadside and pushes it off the cliff. The car
tumbles over the edge and plummets to the river.

The truck follows the car over the edge and both go up in
flames as they crash onto jagged rocks below.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Officer Crenshaw guards a blood sample at Nelson's Pharmacy while the Crime Scene Unit collects evidence. As they drive along a scenic cliffside road, a man jumps from a speeding garbage truck, causing a collision that sends the CSU vehicle off the cliff. The scene shifts from a mundane atmosphere to chaos as both vehicles crash onto the rocks below, engulfed in flames.
Strengths
  • High-stakes action sequences
  • Intriguing mystery elements
  • Tension-building suspense
Weaknesses
  • Potential for deeper character development
  • Dialogue could be more nuanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through its fast-paced action sequences and intriguing mystery elements. The high stakes and unexpected events keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a pharmacy robbery leading to a dramatic cliffside confrontation is unique and engaging, blending elements of crime, mystery, and action effectively.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is engaging and well-developed, with multiple storylines converging to create tension and intrigue. The unexpected events and high stakes drive the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh twist by incorporating a dramatic car chase and cliffside confrontation, adding excitement and unpredictability to the narrative. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the scene's authenticity.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters in the scene are well-defined and serve their roles in advancing the plot and adding depth to the story. However, there is room for further development and exploration of their motivations.

Character Changes: 6

While there are minor character changes and revelations in the scene, there is potential for deeper exploration of character growth and transformation in future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and composure in a high-pressure situation. This reflects their need for order and stability in the face of chaos and danger.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to investigate the blood evidence left by the robber and gather clues to solve the crime. This goal reflects the immediate challenge of identifying the perpetrator and bringing them to justice.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, driving the characters to make difficult decisions and face dangerous situations. The escalating tension keeps the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the sudden appearance of the garbage truck posing a significant threat to the protagonist's safety and complicating their investigation.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters facing life-threatening situations, dangerous confrontations, and unexpected twists. The outcome of the events has significant implications for the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, escalating existing tensions, and setting the stage for further developments. The audience is left eager to see what happens next.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden and dramatic turn of events, such as the garbage truck crashing into the CSU vehicle and the subsequent fiery cliffside collision.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the value of justice and the chaos of criminal activity evident in this scene. The protagonist's belief in upholding the law is challenged by the violent actions of the criminal, highlighting the clash between order and disorder.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a moderate emotional impact through its high-stakes action and suspenseful moments. The audience is invested in the characters' fates and the outcome of the intense confrontations.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys information, builds tension, and reveals character dynamics. However, there are opportunities to enhance the dialogue with more subtext and nuance.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, high stakes, and unexpected plot twists that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of suspense leading to the climactic confrontation on the cliffside road, creating a sense of urgency and excitement.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to the expected format for a suspenseful crime drama, with clear scene headings and concise action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a logical progression from the initial investigation at the pharmacy to the dramatic confrontation on the cliffside road, maintaining a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from the pharmacy to the CSU vehicle without a clear narrative connection. This can confuse the audience, as it shifts focus from Officer Crenshaw's role to the CSU team without establishing the significance of the blood sample or the urgency of their task.
  • The character of Officer Crenshaw is introduced but lacks depth. While he is described as focused, there is no dialogue or internal conflict that reveals his thoughts or feelings about guarding the evidence. Adding a moment of reflection or a brief interaction could enhance his character and make the scene more engaging.
  • The CSU team's actions are somewhat mechanical. While they are performing their duties, the scene could benefit from a moment of tension or urgency, perhaps through dialogue or a sense of impending danger, to heighten the stakes of their investigation.
  • The transition to the CSU vehicle feels disjointed. The driver is introduced as competent and nonchalant, but this characterization does not align with the gravity of the situation. A more urgent tone or a hint of foreboding could create a stronger connection to the previous scene's tension.
  • The climax of the scene, where the garbage truck collides with the CSU vehicle, is visually striking but lacks buildup. The suddenness of the action may leave the audience feeling detached. Building suspense through foreshadowing or a slow reveal of the truck's approach could enhance the impact of the crash.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of dialogue or internal monologue for Officer Crenshaw to provide insight into his character and the importance of the blood evidence he is guarding.
  • Introduce a sense of urgency or tension in the CSU team's actions, perhaps by having them discuss the implications of the evidence they are collecting or express concern about the robber's whereabouts.
  • Create a smoother transition between the pharmacy and the CSU vehicle by including a line that connects the two scenes, such as a mention of the importance of the evidence they are collecting.
  • Enhance the buildup to the crash by incorporating visual cues or sounds that hint at the approaching garbage truck, allowing the audience to anticipate the collision.
  • Consider adding a reaction shot from the CSU team as the truck approaches, which could heighten the tension and make the eventual crash more impactful.



Scene 20 -  Tension in the Newsroom
INT. WWNEWS - NY - DAY

Mario slams the phone onto the receiver and then picks it up
and calls Rance.

MARIO
I’m starting to get suspicious,
Gallo. We just lost an entire CSU
team. They were gathering evidence
on one of the pharmacy break-ins
and their car was pushed over a
cliff. All three of ‘em dead.

RANCE (V.O.)
And my reporter is missing. What
the hell is going on?

MARIO
Maybe you better check your
evidence.

RANCE (V.O.)
Shit! CSU is gathering the DNA, but
I haven’t checked on them. I need
to see Sofia.

MARIO
The same Sofia you used to date?

RANCE
The Sofia you knew is long gone.
Depending on the day, she now has
purple or green streaks in her
hair, and she wears blue and brown
contacts — one of each.
(a beat)
And did I mention her tongue ring?
22
Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In the WWNEWS office, Mario expresses his frustration over the mysterious deaths of a CSU team investigating pharmacy break-ins, suspecting foul play after their car was pushed off a cliff. He urges Rance to investigate further, revealing that Rance's own reporter is also missing. The conversation takes a personal turn as they discuss Rance's former girlfriend, Sofia, who has undergone a striking transformation since their relationship. The scene is charged with urgency and tension, highlighting the gravity of their concerns.
Strengths
  • Intriguing plot developments
  • Strong sense of mystery and suspense
  • Well-defined characters and relationships
Weaknesses
  • Some elements could be further developed for added impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery through the introduction of multiple interconnected plot threads and intriguing character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of unraveling interconnected mysteries through various characters and events is engaging and sets up a compelling narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot is intricate and engaging, with multiple layers of mystery and suspense that drive the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its fresh approach to the crime investigation genre. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, adding depth and complexity to the narrative. The writer's unique voice and style contribute to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are intriguing and well-defined, each with their own motivations and secrets that add depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the introduction of new information and events sets the stage for potential transformations in the future.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth behind the recent events and to navigate the complex relationships and dynamics within the investigation team. This reflects their deeper need for justice, security, and trust in their colleagues.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to solve the mystery of the missing reporter and the suspicious deaths of the CSU team members. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges they are facing in their investigation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with various conflicts, both internal and external, that add tension and drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the characters facing difficult challenges and obstacles in their investigation. The audience is left unsure of how the characters will overcome these obstacles, adding suspense and intrigue to the scene.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are established through the dangerous events, mysterious disappearances, and escalating conflicts that threaten the characters' safety and well-being.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new plot elements, raising stakes, and deepening the mystery.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the investigation, as well as the shifting dynamics between the characters. The audience is kept on their toes as new information is revealed and motives are questioned.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between trust and suspicion, as the characters question each other's motives and actions. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the integrity of their colleagues and the reliability of the evidence they are gathering.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a sense of intrigue and concern, drawing the audience into the unfolding mysteries and dangers.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and serves to advance the plot while revealing character dynamics and relationships.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, suspenseful plot developments, and complex character dynamics. The high stakes and mystery surrounding the investigation keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension throughout. The rapid-fire dialogue and plot developments keep the audience engaged and invested in the outcome of the investigation.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual and descriptive elements are used effectively to enhance the atmosphere and tone of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for a crime investigation genre, with a focus on dialogue-driven interactions and plot development. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by connecting the loss of the CSU team to Rance's missing reporter, creating a sense of urgency and danger. However, the dialogue could benefit from more emotional weight. Mario's suspicion and Rance's concern are clear, but adding a layer of personal stakes for Rance could enhance the impact.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one is somewhat abrupt. While the events are connected, a brief moment of reflection or a visual cue could help the audience digest the gravity of the CSU team's loss before diving into the phone conversation.
  • Rance's description of Sofia is humorous and adds character depth, but it feels slightly out of place given the serious context of the conversation. Balancing humor with the gravity of the situation is crucial; consider integrating this humor in a way that feels more organic to the scene's tension.
  • The dialogue is functional but lacks subtext. Both characters are stating facts, which can make the conversation feel flat. Infusing the dialogue with underlying emotions or motivations could create a more dynamic exchange.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual elements to enhance the storytelling. For instance, showing Mario's physical reactions or the environment around him could add layers to the scene, making it more engaging for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider starting the scene with Mario's physical actions or expressions to set the tone before the dialogue begins. This could help convey his frustration and urgency more vividly.
  • Add a moment of silence or a beat after Mario reveals the CSU team's fate to allow the weight of the news to sink in for both Rance and the audience.
  • Incorporate more subtext into the dialogue. For example, Rance could express guilt or regret about his past with Sofia, which would add emotional depth to their conversation.
  • Use visual storytelling to complement the dialogue. For instance, showing Mario pacing or looking out a window while he talks could enhance the tension and urgency of the situation.
  • Consider ending the scene with a stronger hook or cliffhanger that propels the story forward, such as Rance making a decision to confront Sofia immediately or discovering a new lead related to the CSU team's investigation.



Scene 21 -  A Race Against Time
INT. CSU OFFICE - DALLAS - DAY


SUPER: TWO HOURS LATER
Rance enters the office and shows his ID to the DESK SERGEANT
(50s, gruff).

RANCE
Here to see Sofia.

The desk sergeant points to a hall on the right. Rance walks
to the end of the hall and enters the lab.


LAB AT CSU OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

SOFIA (30s, scientist, light-hearted) peers through a
microscope at DNA evidence.

RANCE
Get anything yet?

Sofia grins and steps away from the table.

SOFIA
Christ’s sake, Gallo, I just got
back from gathering evidence. It
takes a while to do this right.
Besides, you should feel lucky. I’m
sure I shouldn’t be doing this.

Rance smiles, then leans in and kisses her cheek.

RANCE
And you know I appreciate it.

SOFIA
If you want, copy the papers in
that folder on top of the inbox.
It’s not much, but it includes some
preliminary results.

RANCE
Lex say anything?

SOFIA
I didn’t see Lex, but there was a
guy with his head buried in an
engine.
(MORE)
23
SOFIA (CONT’D)
All I saw were a couple of cops.
Justine . . . something, and her
partner.

RANCE
Justine Marcus?

SOFIA
That’s her, why?

RANCE
Sofia, I’ve got to get going, but
I’ll fill you in later.
Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Rance enters the CSU office and interacts with Sofia, a scientist analyzing DNA evidence. They share light-hearted banter, with Sofia expressing her frustration about the slow analysis process. Rance inquires about Lex but learns Sofia hasn't seen him. Acknowledging the urgency of his investigation, Rance promises to update Sofia later before leaving the lab.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Establishing key characters
  • Building suspense
Weaknesses
  • Limited action
  • Lack of visual elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the investigative plotline and establishes the relationship between Rance and Sofia. The dialogue is engaging and hints at potential conflicts and developments to come.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of an investigative journalist working with a forensic scientist to uncover the truth behind a missing reporter is intriguing and sets the stage for a complex and layered storyline.

Plot: 8

The plot is effectively advanced through the interaction between Rance and Sofia, introducing key elements of the investigation and building suspense around the missing reporter case.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its portrayal of a detective and scientist working together in a crime scene unit. The dialogue feels authentic and the characters' actions are believable.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Rance and Sofia are well-developed characters with distinct personalities and motivations. Their dynamic sets the stage for future interactions and reveals potential conflicts and alliances.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interaction between Rance and Sofia hints at potential growth and development for both characters as the investigation progresses.

Internal Goal: 8

Rance's internal goal is to show appreciation and support for Sofia's work while also gathering information about the investigation. This reflects his deeper need for connection and validation.

External Goal: 9

Rance's external goal is to gather information about the investigation and stay updated on the progress. This reflects the immediate circumstances of solving a crime and working with his team.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict introduced through the investigation of the missing reporter and the potential obstacles Rance and Sofia may face in uncovering the truth.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from Sofia's dedication to her work and Rance's need for information, creating a small obstacle for Rance to overcome.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderately high, as the investigation involves a missing reporter and potential dangers that Rance and Sofia may face in uncovering the truth.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing key information, setting up the investigative plotline, and hinting at future developments and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions between Rance and Sofia, and the hints at a larger investigation.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between Sofia's dedication to her work and Rance's need for information. This challenges Rance's values of teamwork and Sofia's values of thoroughness in her analysis.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, primarily driven by the suspense and intrigue surrounding the investigation and the potential dangers involved.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between Rance and Sofia is engaging and serves to provide important information while also revealing aspects of their personalities and relationship.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic between Rance and Sofia, the mystery of the investigation, and the natural dialogue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and revealing information at a steady pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper spacing and character names in all caps.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime procedural genre, with clear scene headings and character actions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of urgency and familiarity between Rance and Sofia, which helps to deepen their relationship and adds emotional weight to the narrative. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to enhance the tension surrounding the investigation. Currently, the banter feels somewhat light-hearted given the serious circumstances, which may undermine the stakes.
  • Sofia's character comes across as competent and light-hearted, but her dialogue could be more dynamic. For instance, instead of just stating that it takes time to analyze evidence, she could express frustration or urgency about the situation, which would align better with the overall tone of the screenplay.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one feels abrupt. The last lines of the previous scene hint at a deeper backstory with Sofia, but this scene does not capitalize on that potential tension. Incorporating a brief reference to their past or the current stakes could create a more seamless flow and maintain narrative momentum.
  • Rance's actions, such as kissing Sofia on the cheek, are sweet but could be more impactful if they were contrasted with the gravity of the situation. Perhaps he could hesitate before the kiss, reflecting his anxiety about the investigation, which would add depth to his character and the scene.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or goal for Rance beyond gathering information. Adding a specific objective or a sense of urgency could heighten the tension and make the scene more engaging. For example, Rance could express concern about the implications of the evidence or the potential danger they are in, which would create a more compelling narrative drive.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding subtext to the dialogue to reflect the underlying tension of the investigation. For example, Sofia could express her frustration about the slow process of evidence analysis in a way that hints at the urgency of the situation.
  • Incorporate a brief reference to Rance and Sofia's past relationship to deepen their connection and add emotional stakes to the scene. This could be a line that alludes to their history or the current danger they face.
  • Enhance Rance's character by showing his internal conflict or anxiety about the investigation. This could be done through his body language or a moment of hesitation before interacting with Sofia.
  • Introduce a specific goal or urgency for Rance in this scene. For instance, he could mention a deadline for the investigation or express concern about the safety of someone involved, which would create a clearer narrative drive.
  • Consider adjusting the tone of the banter to better reflect the serious circumstances. While light-hearted moments can be effective, they should be balanced with the gravity of the situation to maintain tension.



Scene 22 -  Suspicion on the Road
EXT. RANCE’S CAR - DAY

Rance drives toward his office and calls Mario on the phone.

RANCE
Mario, I just checked, and the lab
has the evidence. I’m waiting for
them to finish the analysis.

MARIO (V.O.)
They give you anything?

RANCE
Got a folder with a few notes in
it, but I haven’t gone through it.
But there was also a curious
coincidence: an officer named
Justine Marcus showed up at several
places related to this, and those
places were too far apart to have
been her normal patrol area.

MARIO
You think she’s complicit?

RANCE
Hell, I don’t know, but I’ll keep
an eye on it. In the meantime, let
me look through the folder.

Rance reaches to the passenger seat and shuffles through a
small stack of files.

RANCE (CONT’D)
Shit! I must have left it there.

He makes a U-turn and heads to the CSU lab.
24
Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Rance drives to his office while on the phone with Mario, discussing evidence from the lab and expressing concern over Officer Justine Marcus's suspicious activities related to the case. Realizing he left an important folder at the lab, Rance makes a U-turn to retrieve it, heightening the tension surrounding the investigation.
Strengths
  • Engaging investigation plotline
  • Building suspense and intrigue
  • Introduction of corruption theme
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Secondary character depth could be improved

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up multiple plot threads, keeping the audience engaged and eager to learn more.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of investigating corruption within law enforcement and the mysterious disappearance of a reporter is compelling and drives the scene forward.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses by introducing new clues and raising questions about the involvement of Officer Justine Marcus, adding complexity to the storyline.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime investigation genre by focusing on internal conflicts within the police force. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Rance's character is developed through his investigative actions and interactions with other characters, but more depth could be added to secondary characters like Officer Justine Marcus.

Character Changes: 6

Rance's character undergoes subtle development as he delves deeper into the investigation, but significant changes are yet to be seen.

Internal Goal: 8

Rance's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth behind the suspicious officer and the evidence he has obtained. This reflects his desire for justice and integrity within the police department.

External Goal: 7

Rance's external goal is to retrieve the folder he left behind and continue his investigation at the lab. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in obtaining crucial information for his case.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict arises from the investigation into potential corruption and the mysterious disappearance of a reporter, creating tension and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Rance faces obstacles in his investigation and must navigate the complexities of police corruption.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are established through the potential corruption within law enforcement and the danger faced by the missing reporter and Rance in his investigation.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the investigation plotline forward by introducing new clues and raising suspicions about Officer Justine Marcus.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the investigation and the uncertainty surrounding Officer Marcus's involvement.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of trust, loyalty, and corruption within the police force. Rance's uncertainty about Officer Marcus challenges his beliefs in the system's integrity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene focuses more on building suspense and intrigue than eliciting strong emotional reactions from the audience.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue serves the purpose of advancing the investigation and revealing character dynamics, but some exchanges could be more engaging.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, suspenseful atmosphere, and intriguing plot developments.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue and action that maintains tension and keeps the audience invested in the story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime investigation genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively maintains the tension and urgency established in previous scenes, as Rance's conversation with Mario reveals critical information about the investigation. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to enhance the stakes; currently, it feels somewhat expository without deeper emotional resonance.
  • Rance's realization that he left the folder behind serves as a plot device to propel him back to the CSU lab, but it could be more impactful if it tied into his character's motivations or fears. For instance, emphasizing his anxiety about the evidence being compromised could heighten the stakes.
  • The dialogue between Rance and Mario is functional but lacks distinct character voices. Both characters sound similar, which can make it difficult for the audience to differentiate between them. Adding unique speech patterns or phrases could help establish their individual personalities.
  • The scene's visual elements are minimal, focusing primarily on the dialogue. Incorporating more visual storytelling—such as Rance's expressions or the environment around him—could enhance the scene's emotional impact and provide context for his state of mind.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition from the phone call to Rance's realization about the folder feels abrupt. A brief moment of reflection or frustration before he makes the U-turn could add depth to his character and the situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding subtext to the dialogue to convey the characters' emotions and stakes more effectively. For example, Rance could express frustration or fear about the implications of Justine Marcus's involvement, rather than just stating it outright.
  • Enhance Rance's character development by tying his realization about the folder to his personal stakes in the investigation. This could involve a moment of panic or a flashback to a previous incident where he lost crucial evidence.
  • Differentiate Rance and Mario's dialogue by giving them distinct voices or catchphrases. This will help the audience connect with each character and make the conversation feel more dynamic.
  • Incorporate more visual storytelling elements, such as Rance's facial expressions or the scenery outside the car, to create a richer atmosphere and convey his emotional state during the phone call.
  • Add a moment of hesitation or frustration for Rance before he makes the U-turn. This could involve him looking at the files on the passenger seat and realizing the potential consequences of not having the folder, which would heighten the tension.



Scene 23 -  Aftermath of the Explosion
EXT. CSU OFFICE - DAY

Rance parks across the street from the office, gets out, and
locks the door. He half jogs toward the building, but before
he reaches the curb, the building EXPLODES and goes up in a
flash of light.

The force knocks Rance down. Shards of glass hit his chest
and arms, but he manages to shield his face.

As Rance crawls to the curb, an ambulance pulls up. TWO TECHS
rush to help — his arms and his shirt are soaked in blood.

The techs get him to the EMS truck to treat the wounds.

RANCE
(gasping)
Anybody know what happened?

Tech One shakes his head as he gives Rance a shot for pain.
TECH ONE
You need to ask the cops.

The tech finishes with Rance’s wounds and then he helps him
to the burning building. Two cops stand guard outside, their
backs facing him.

RANCE
Excuse me, Officer. I have a few
questions.

The officer turns around, and Rance takes a step back.

RANCE (CONT’D)
Officer Marcus, what are you doing
here? You’re not homicide.

Justine shakes her head and focuses on the building.

JUSTINE
Responded to a report of an
explosion. It might have been some
chemicals that didn't react well
with each other.

Rance stares suspiciously.
RANCE
But we both know it wasn’t, don’t
we?
25


Marcus looks at Rance and slowly shakes her head.

JUSTINE
No, Mr. Gallo, I don’t know
anything other than what I said. If
you know differently, you should
tell me.

RANCE
All right, let’s forget about that.
Do you know if Sofia, the lead
scientist, is okay?

JUSTINE
Haven’t seen a body yet, but we’ve
got a lot more of the wreckage to
go through.
Rance inspects the scene looking for evidence, but he doesn’t
find any. He walks the scene once more, then he gets in his
car and drives off.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Rance parks outside the CSU office just as the building explodes, injuring him with glass shards. As paramedics treat his wounds, he urgently seeks information about the explosion and the safety of Sofia, the lead scientist. Officer Marcus and Justine provide vague responses, revealing that no bodies have been found yet. Frustrated by the lack of answers, Rance searches the wreckage for clues but finds nothing before leaving in his car, the tension of the scene lingering.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Mystery elements
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical description
  • Lack of visual cues

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery through the unexpected explosion and the cryptic exchange between Rance and Officer Marcus. The high stakes and emotional impact of the situation keep the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on a mysterious explosion and the ensuing investigation, is engaging and keeps the audience guessing. The introduction of new conflicts and revelations adds depth to the overall story.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is crucial in advancing the overarching mystery and conflict of the story. The explosion serves as a significant plot point that raises the stakes and propels the narrative forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar scenario of an explosion but adds a fresh twist with the protagonist's suspicions and the officers' cryptic responses. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Rance and Officer Marcus, are well-developed and add layers of complexity to the scene. Their interactions reveal hidden agendas and conflicting motivations, enhancing the intrigue.

Character Changes: 7

Rance experiences a shift in perspective as he confronts Officer Marcus and uncovers new information about the explosion. His suspicions and concerns drive his character development, leading to a deeper understanding of the unfolding mystery.

Internal Goal: 8

Rance's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth behind the explosion and ensure the safety of Sofia, the lead scientist. This reflects his deeper desire for justice and protection of those he cares about.

External Goal: 7

Rance's external goal is to gather information from the officers and technicians at the scene to piece together what happened in the explosion. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in solving the mystery.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is intense and multi-layered, with characters facing internal and external challenges. The explosion and the subsequent investigation create a sense of danger and uncertainty, heightening the conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting responses from the officers and the protagonist's suspicions creating a sense of uncertainty and challenge. The audience is kept on their toes.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, as characters grapple with the aftermath of the explosion and the potential dangers lurking in the investigation. The sense of danger and uncertainty raises the stakes and keeps the audience invested.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a major plot development—the explosion at the CSU office. This event sets off a chain of events that propel the narrative towards new conflicts and revelations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the conflicting responses from the officers and the protagonist's suspicions. The audience is left unsure of who to trust or what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the idea of trust and truth. Rance suspects that the officers may not be telling him everything, leading to a clash of beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, as characters grapple with the aftermath of the explosion and the revelations that follow. The sense of danger and uncertainty evokes tension and suspense.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is sharp and filled with tension, effectively conveying the suspicions and secrets between Rance and Officer Marcus. The cryptic exchanges add depth to the characters and drive the plot forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, sharp dialogue, and the protagonist's quest for truth. The audience is drawn in by the mystery and tension.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action and dialogue that keeps the audience engaged. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in building tension.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a mystery genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension with the sudden explosion, creating a shocking moment that propels the narrative forward. However, the transition from Rance's previous scene to this one could be smoother. The abruptness of the explosion might benefit from a brief moment of foreshadowing or a hint of danger to enhance the impact.
  • Rance's physical injuries and the urgency of the situation are well conveyed, but the dialogue could be more dynamic. The exchange between Rance and Justine feels somewhat flat and could use more emotional weight. Rance's concern for Sofia is a strong motivation, but it could be expressed with greater urgency or desperation.
  • The dialogue between Rance and Justine lacks a sense of conflict or tension. Justine's responses are somewhat evasive, but Rance's reaction could be more intense, reflecting his fear for Sofia's safety. This would heighten the stakes and make the scene more engaging.
  • The scene ends rather abruptly after Rance's search for evidence yields no results. A more definitive conclusion or a moment of realization for Rance could provide a stronger emotional payoff. Perhaps he could find a clue that raises further questions or deepens the mystery.
  • The visual elements of the explosion and the aftermath are compelling, but the scene could benefit from more sensory details. Describing the sounds, smells, and chaos of the explosion would immerse the audience further into the moment and enhance the urgency of Rance's situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of foreshadowing before the explosion, such as a strange noise or a warning from another character, to build suspense and make the explosion feel more impactful.
  • Enhance the emotional stakes in the dialogue between Rance and Justine. Allow Rance to express more urgency and fear for Sofia's safety, which would create a stronger connection for the audience.
  • Introduce more conflict in the dialogue. Justine could be more defensive or dismissive, prompting Rance to push harder for answers, which would create a more dynamic interaction.
  • End the scene with a stronger emotional beat. Perhaps Rance could find a piece of evidence or overhear something that raises the stakes even higher, leaving the audience eager to see what happens next.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enrich the scene. Describe the sounds of the explosion, the smell of smoke, and the chaos around Rance to create a more immersive experience for the audience.



Scene 24 -  Tension in the Newsroom
INT. WWNEWS - DALLAS - DAY

Rance wrings his hands as he paces the newsroom floor. A HALF-
DOZEN reporters gather around.

RANCE
The CSU lab just blew up, and I
doubt it was an accident. I want
two teams at the explosion site,
and I want them there now!

Rance stops and points his finger at Cyndi.

RANCE (CONT’D)
Get to the lawyer’s house and
interview him again. See if he
remembers anything new.
(a beat)
And I want everyone to remember,
we’ve got a colleague missing — a
fellow reporter. We need to find
him.


RANCE’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Rance walks into his office and slams the door. He punches
the wall several times, smacks his palm on the desktop, and
sits behind his desk. Within seconds, the phone rings.
26


RANCE
Gallo.

Rance walks back and forth, stretching the cord of his
desktop phone to its limit.

SOFIA (V.O.)
I called as soon as I heard. What
happened?

Rance shuts the office door and sits behind the desk.

RANCE
Thank God you’re alive. All I know
is I drove back to the lab to pick
up the folder I forgot, and just as
I was about to go inside—BAM the
whole place exploded. I thought you
died.

SOFIA (V.O.)
Why would someone blow up the lab?
It doesn’t make sense.

RANCE
A lot about this doesn’t make
sense. I think you should disappear
for a few days. Go somewhere nobody
knows about. And don’t take your
regular phone; buy a burner on the
other side of town and take that.

SOFIA (V.O.)
Is all this because of that
evidence from the car?

RANCE
I don’t know what any of it’s about
yet. It might be one of the drug
cartels protecting evidence or it
might be aliens doing God knows
what. And yes, I said aliens, so
just do what I said.

SOFIA (V.O.)
You still want to know about the
evidence?

Rance perks up. He opens his laptop and prepares to type.
27

RANCE
I’m ready. Give me all you’ve got.

SOFIA (V.O.)
I don’t know what you were looking
for, but what we examined was
pretty normal DNA.

Rance cocks his head and looks puzzled.

RANCE
Nothing unusual?

SOFIA (V.O.)
The only thing unusual was the DNA
showed a low phosphorous count.
Low, as in, I’ve never seen it that
low.

RANCE
What does a low phosphorous count
mean? What causes it, and what
symptoms are associated with it?

SOFIA (V.O.)
I'd have to check to find all of
the symptoms, but off the top of my
head — anxiety, bone pain and
fragile bones, irregular breathing,
and many more.

RANCE
And that’s all you have for me?

SOFIA (V.O.)
And I’m not getting anything else
without evidence.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Crime"]

Summary In the WWNews newsroom in Dallas, Rance anxiously gathers his team to investigate a suspected intentional explosion at the CSU lab. He assigns tasks and instructs Cyndi to seek more information from a lawyer. After a tense discussion with Sofia, who is safe but worried, Rance learns about an unusual low phosphorous count in the DNA evidence they analyzed, leaving him puzzled and concerned about the implications.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Revealing crucial information
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Slightly predictable dialogue
  • Limited character development for secondary characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through the explosive event and the revelation of significant information. The dialogue between Rance and Sofia adds depth to the plot and characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, involving a mysterious explosion and the revelation of crucial DNA evidence, is intriguing and adds depth to the overall story.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is engaging and moves the story forward significantly. The explosion and the DNA evidence introduce new elements that drive the narrative.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the investigative thriller genre by combining elements of journalism, mystery, and danger. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters, particularly Rance and Sofia, are developed through their interactions and reactions to the explosive event. Their dynamic adds emotional depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

Rance experiences a shift in his perspective and urgency due to the explosive event, while Sofia's concern for her safety and the gravity of the situation are highlighted.

Internal Goal: 8

Rance's internal goal in this scene is to protect his colleague, Sofia, and uncover the truth behind the lab explosion. This reflects his deeper need for justice, safety, and loyalty to his team.

External Goal: 9

Rance's external goal is to investigate the lab explosion, find his missing colleague, and uncover the motives behind the incident. This reflects the immediate challenges and dangers he is facing in his investigative work.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with conflict, both external (the explosion) and internal (Rance's quest for answers). The stakes are high, driving the tension and suspense.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with obstacles and challenges that test the protagonist's investigative skills and determination. The audience is left wondering how Rance will overcome these obstacles and uncover the truth.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the explosive event putting lives at risk and revealing dangerous secrets. The urgency and danger heighten the tension.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly advances the story by introducing new elements, raising questions, and escalating the tension. It sets the stage for further developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the investigation, as well as the mysterious motives of the characters involved. The audience is kept guessing about the true nature of the lab explosion.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of truth, trust, and deception. Rance is faced with the challenge of navigating a complex web of information and determining who he can trust in his pursuit of the truth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits emotions of concern, intrigue, and suspense from the audience. The explosive event and the characters' reactions add emotional depth.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between Rance and Sofia is informative, engaging, and reveals important details about the DNA evidence. It enhances the scene's tension and intrigue.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, high stakes, and intriguing plot developments. The audience is drawn into the mystery and suspense of the investigation.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-crafted, with a balance of action, dialogue, and suspenseful moments that keep the story moving forward and maintain the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions that enhance the readability and flow of the screenplay.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful investigative thriller, with a clear setup, rising tension, and a cliffhanger ending that leaves the audience wanting more.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys Rance's urgency and anxiety following the explosion, which is crucial for maintaining tension in the narrative. However, the pacing could be improved by varying the rhythm of dialogue and action to enhance the emotional stakes.
  • Rance's dialogue is direct and conveys his authority, but it could benefit from more emotional depth. Adding internal conflict or vulnerability could make him more relatable and complex, especially given the gravity of the situation.
  • The transition between Rance's commanding presence in the newsroom and his more vulnerable state in his office is abrupt. A smoother transition could help maintain the flow of the scene and better illustrate Rance's emotional journey.
  • Sofia's voiceover provides necessary exposition, but it feels somewhat expository and could be more engaging. Consider incorporating more dynamic dialogue or a back-and-forth exchange that reveals character traits and stakes more organically.
  • The mention of aliens feels somewhat abrupt and could be better foreshadowed earlier in the script. This would help ground the audience in the story's reality and make the revelation feel more impactful.
  • The scene lacks visual elements that could enhance the tension. Describing Rance's physical actions, such as his body language or the environment around him, could create a more immersive experience for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Rance reflects on the implications of the explosion, perhaps through a brief internal monologue or a conversation with a colleague, to deepen his character.
  • Incorporate more physicality into Rance's actions to convey his emotional state. For example, describe how he grips the desk or runs his hands through his hair to show his frustration and anxiety.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Rance and Sofia by including more back-and-forth exchanges that reveal their relationship dynamics and build tension. This could also provide opportunities for humor or emotional resonance.
  • Foreshadow the mention of aliens earlier in the script to create a more cohesive narrative. This could involve subtle hints or references that build up to this revelation.
  • Add descriptive elements that paint a vivid picture of the newsroom environment, such as the sounds of typing, the chatter of reporters, or the chaos following the explosion, to create a more immersive atmosphere.



Scene 25 -  Consequences of Betrayal
INT. KARO’S HOUSE - DAY

Karo picks up the phone and sits on the sofa.

KARO
Speak quickly.

UNKNOWN CALLER (V.O.)
I don’t know much. Gallo is nosing
around, but the DNA evidence was
destroyed in the explosion.
28


KARO
What explosion?

UNKNOWN CALLER
The lab. They blew up the lab after
he inspected the reporter’s car.
KARO
Is Gallo getting closer?

UNKNOWN CALLER (V.O.)
He’s becoming more convinced, but
he has no evidence to back up his
suspicions.
Karo puts the phone on speaker and pours a glass of wine.

KARO
Keep an eye on him, and let me know
if things change. But do not do
anything. We can’t afford to have
more bodies turn up.
(A pause)
We have hundreds of agents here,
and we don’t want them exposed.
(a beat)
Now, get everyone on a priority
call.

Karo pulls out a few more papers and waits for acknowledgment
that everyone is on the call.

KARO (CONT'D) (CONT’D)
I have no choice but to alert the
High Commander.

CREW MEMBER III
"What? Why?"

KARO
I mentioned no less than three
times that secrecy was the key, and
that means not just each of you,
but your actions as well. Leaving
the reporter's car was a mistake,
albeit one that could be
overlooked. But—and he points a
finger at Justine—blowing up the
lab was unforgivable.

JUSTINE
Why? The humans aren't smart enough
to put the pieces together.
29


Karo glares.

KARO
Do you remember Tł'ííłgóó Haneenizí
(Ilgo the Conquerer)? His most *
famous saying still holds true:
hééhí t" áá naasht" éí áłtséédi
shishtł" óóhí łééchąą" í shił
yá" át" ééh dah niiłt" í (Those who
underestimate their enemies are *
destined to lose).

JUSTINE
But—

KARO
No buts. Crew Member III, step
forward.

As Crew Member III moves forward, Karo pulls his weapon and
shoots him. His body vanishes, leaving behind a small pool of
liquid. Karo points to Justine and motions her over. *

KARO (CONT’D)
Be thankful for our history, and *
remember, the next time, it may be *
you. *
(a beat) *
Now get that mess cleaned up. *
Genres: ["Thriller","Sci-Fi"]

Summary Karo receives alarming news about Gallo's investigation and the destruction of DNA evidence in a lab explosion. He orders his crew to monitor Gallo discreetly, expressing frustration over the incident. In a brutal display of authority, Karo executes Crew Member III for the mistake, reminding Justine of the gravity of their actions and instructing her to clean up the aftermath.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • High stakes
  • Intrigue
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, suspenseful, and filled with intrigue, setting up a major turning point in the plot. The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing the high stakes and consequences of betrayal.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of betrayal, secrecy, and high stakes is effectively portrayed in the scene. The revelation of the destruction of DNA evidence adds a layer of complexity to the plot.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses significantly in this scene, with key information revealed and consequences shown. The scene sets up future conflicts and developments.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a complex and secretive world with unique characters and unexpected plot twists. The dialogue feels authentic and adds depth to the characters.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are well-defined, with Karo displaying authority and ruthlessness, and the crew members showing fear and loyalty. The interaction between characters drives the tension of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The scene doesn't focus heavily on character development, but it does show the consequences of betrayal and the importance of loyalty.

Internal Goal: 8

Karo's internal goal is to maintain control and secrecy within the organization. This reflects his need for power and fear of losing control.

External Goal: 7

Karo's external goal is to prevent Gallo from uncovering the truth about the organization's actions. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with betrayals, consequences, and the revelation of destroyed evidence adding layers of tension and intrigue.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing moral dilemmas, power struggles, and unexpected consequences.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with the potential exposure of agents, the destruction of evidence, and the consequences of betrayal driving the tension.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by revealing key information, setting up future conflicts, and deepening the intrigue of the plot.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden violence, unexpected character actions, and complex moral dilemmas.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the values of secrecy and loyalty. Karo values secrecy above all else, while Justine questions the need for extreme measures to maintain it.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of tension, suspense, and intrigue, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' fates.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and drives the tension of the scene. It effectively conveys the high stakes and consequences of the characters' actions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, unexpected plot twists, and intense character interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense, leading to a dramatic climax.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear action lines and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a suspenseful thriller, with escalating tension and a dramatic climax.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes tension and stakes through Karo's reaction to the news about the explosion and the destroyed DNA evidence. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to enhance the characters' motivations and emotions. For instance, Karo's frustration could be shown through more nuanced dialogue rather than direct statements.
  • The use of the unknown caller adds an element of mystery, but the lack of specificity in their identity or background makes it difficult for the audience to connect with the stakes. Providing a hint about who the caller is or their relationship to Karo could deepen the intrigue.
  • Karo's character is portrayed as authoritative and ruthless, but the scene could explore his internal conflict more. For example, how does he feel about executing Crew Member III? Adding a moment of hesitation or a flash of regret could make him a more complex antagonist.
  • The historical reference to Tł'ííłgóó Haneenizí feels somewhat disconnected from the rest of the dialogue. While it adds depth to Karo's character, it may confuse viewers unfamiliar with the reference. A brief explanation or a more relatable analogy could enhance clarity.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the transition from the phone call to the priority call could be smoother. The abrupt shift feels slightly jarring, and a more gradual build-up to the urgency of the call could enhance the tension.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more layers to Karo's character by incorporating internal conflict or moral ambiguity, which could make him more relatable and compelling.
  • Enhance the dialogue with subtext to convey emotions and motivations without explicitly stating them. This will create a more engaging and dynamic interaction between characters.
  • Provide more context or hints about the unknown caller's identity to create a stronger connection to the plot and increase audience investment in the outcome.
  • Rework the historical reference to make it more accessible to the audience, possibly by tying it more closely to Karo's current situation or using a more universally understood analogy.
  • Smooth out the transition between the phone call and the priority call by incorporating a moment of reflection or urgency that builds anticipation for the next action.



Scene 26 -  Unraveling Mysteries
INT. WWNEWS - DALLAS - DAY

Rance moves to the center of the office floor and speaks
loudly.

RANCE
Everybody, listen up. We’ve got
evidence missing in NY and three
people dead. And Tony is still
missing. Not to mention the CSU lab
has been blown up.

Rance pauses and looks around the room.

RANCE (CONT’D)
I don’t grasp the implications of
this yet, but it’s clear that
somebody doesn’t want us to see
this evidence.
(a beat)
(MORE)
30
RANCE (CONT’D)
It may be a drug cartel, or as some
people claim, it may be aliens.
Regardless, we will get to the
bottom of it.
(a beat)
I don’t want carelessness, but I
want every lead tracked down and
reported.

People begin to exit the room, when Rance lets out a shrill
whistle.

RANCE (CONT’D)
Hold up a minute. Let’s take a
moment to say a few prayers or at
least think good thoughts for our
fellow reporter. Tony is, or was, a
good man and a damn good reporter.

Some people fold their hands in prayer, and some simply bow
their heads, but all of them remain silent out of respect.

WWNEWS - RESTROOM - CONTINUOUS

Rance walks into the men’s room and sees BOBBY (40s, suit,
glasses) leaning against the counter and giving himself a
shot in the stomach.

RANCE
(chuckling)
Damn, Bob, what the hell are you
doing? You becoming a drug addict?

BOBBY
Already am one.
Bobby clicks the needle and holds it up for Rance to see.

BOBBY (CONT’D)
Twice a day insulin shots. Why?

Rance stops and stares. His eyes light up, and he snaps his
fingers.

RANCE
That's it, Bob. That's it!

BOBBY
(puzzled)
What's it? What the hell are you
talking about?
31

RANCE
Don't you see? You take insulin for
your diabetes. If this is about
aliens and they have problems like
low phosphorous, they must take
something for it.

BOBBY
Aliens? What the hell are you
talking about?

RANCE
The aliens from the UFOs — they
have low phosphorous.
Bobby shakes his head and puts the needle back in his case,
then he holds his hands under the faucet so he can wash them.

BOBBY
Hold on, Rance. Nobody said there
were aliens. I know Tony’s missing,
but he might have just taken off
somewhere. And the CSU team in NY
might have really had an accident.

Rance purses his lips and nods reluctantly.

RANCE
I’m willing to consider this is all
a coincidence, but keep an open
mind because it might be a lot more
than that.

BOBBY
All right, tell me how to help. The
least I can do is turn over a few
rocks.

RANCE
Good, then find out if Officer
Marcus frequents any eating spots
or corner stores and let me know.

RANCE’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

He opens his laptop and searches for ‘low phosphorous’
symptoms, but then his phone rings.

RANCE
Sofia, I told you not to call.
32

SOFIA (V.O.)
I thought you’d want to know this:
Low phosphorous can be treated with
foods like milk and tomato juice,
and especially condensed milk.

RANCE
I don’t know that anything would
make me drink condensed milk, but
thanks for the info.
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller","Sci-Fi"]

Summary In the WWNews office, Rance briefs the staff on the troubling disappearance of evidence, three dead individuals, and their missing colleague Tony, hinting at a possible conspiracy involving a drug cartel or aliens. After a moment of silence for Tony, Rance encounters Bobby in the restroom, where Bobby's diabetes treatment sparks a humorous yet skeptical discussion about aliens and low phosphorous. Rance urges Bobby to investigate Officer Marcus's habits, while Bobby begins researching low phosphorous symptoms. The scene ends with Rance receiving a call from Sofia, adding to the mystery.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing plot developments
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some moments could benefit from tighter editing
  • Potential for confusion with the introduction of sci-fi elements

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue, introducing multiple plot threads and raising questions about the mysterious events unfolding. The dialogue is engaging and propels the story forward, keeping the audience invested in the unfolding mystery.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of combining investigative journalism with elements of mystery and sci-fi adds depth and intrigue to the scene. The introduction of potential alien involvement in the case raises the stakes and opens up new possibilities for the story.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and complex, with multiple threads converging to create a sense of mystery and suspense. The scene introduces key developments that will drive the narrative forward and keep the audience guessing.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a mix of crime investigation, supernatural elements, and character dynamics, offering a fresh take on the mystery genre. The dialogue and character interactions feel authentic and engaging, contributing to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined and play their roles effectively in advancing the plot. Rance's investigative nature and Bobby's practicality add depth to the scene, while Sofia's scientific expertise provides valuable insights.

Character Changes: 6

While there are subtle shifts in character dynamics and motivations, the scene primarily focuses on advancing the plot and setting up future conflicts. Rance's investigative instincts and Bobby's practicality are highlighted, laying the groundwork for potential character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Rance's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth behind the missing evidence and the mysterious events, reflecting his need for justice, truth, and closure.

External Goal: 7

Rance's external goal is to solve the case of the missing evidence, deaths, and the disappearance of Tony, the reporter. This goal reflects the immediate challenges and obstacles he is facing in his investigative work.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as the characters grapple with the mysteries surrounding the missing evidence and the potential dangers they face. The escalating tensions drive the narrative forward and keep the audience engaged.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and challenge the protagonist's beliefs and actions, adding complexity to the investigation and character dynamics.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing potential danger and uncovering sensitive information that could have far-reaching consequences. The escalating conflicts and mysteries raise the stakes and keep the audience engaged.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward, introducing key developments and raising new questions that will drive the narrative. The investigation into the missing evidence and the potential alien connection add depth and complexity to the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the mix of supernatural elements, unexpected character interactions, and unresolved mysteries, keeping the audience guessing about the true nature of the events.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the belief in aliens or supernatural forces as the cause of the events, contrasting with skepticism and rational explanations. This challenges Rance's worldview and beliefs in the face of unexplained phenomena.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of tension and intrigue, keeping the audience emotionally invested in the unfolding events. The stakes are high, and the characters' reactions add depth and emotion to the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and engaging, effectively conveying information while also revealing character dynamics and motivations. The interactions between the characters drive the scene forward and maintain the audience's interest.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of mystery, humor, and character dynamics, keeping the audience intrigued and invested in the unfolding investigation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension, revealing information gradually, and maintaining a sense of urgency and intrigue throughout.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with proper scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions that enhance readability and flow.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format for a mystery/crime genre, with clear character motivations, plot progression, and dialogue that advances the narrative effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of urgency and tension, reflecting the gravity of the situation with missing evidence and a missing colleague. Rance's leadership is clear, and his call to action resonates with the team, which is crucial for driving the narrative forward.
  • However, the transition from the office to the restroom feels abrupt. The shift in setting could benefit from a smoother transition or a brief moment that connects the two locations, enhancing the flow of the scene.
  • Rance's dialogue is strong, but the introduction of the alien theory feels somewhat forced. While it adds an intriguing twist, it may come off as a leap in logic without sufficient buildup. The audience might need more context or foreshadowing regarding the alien angle to make it feel organic.
  • Bobby's skepticism is a good counterpoint to Rance's theories, but his character could be fleshed out more. Adding a line or two that reveals Bobby's personality or background could make his skepticism more relatable and grounded.
  • The emotional weight of the moment when Rance calls for a moment of silence for Tony is impactful, but it could be enhanced by showing more of the team's reactions. This would deepen the audience's connection to the characters and the stakes involved.
  • The dialogue between Rance and Bobby is somewhat expository, particularly when Rance explains the connection between diabetes and low phosphorous. This could be streamlined to maintain the scene's pace and keep the audience engaged without feeling lectured.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or a visual cue that connects the office and restroom scenes, such as Rance walking through the office and seeing the concerned faces of his colleagues.
  • Introduce the alien theory gradually, perhaps by having Rance mention it in passing before diving into the details. This could create a more natural progression in the conversation.
  • Develop Bobby's character further by including a line that hints at his past experiences or his relationship with Tony, which would make his skepticism more impactful.
  • Enhance the moment of silence for Tony by including a few lines of dialogue or reactions from other characters, showcasing their emotions and the gravity of the situation.
  • Streamline the dialogue to reduce exposition. Instead of Rance explaining the connection between diabetes and low phosphorous, consider having Bobby make a connection himself, showcasing his intelligence and keeping the dialogue more dynamic.



Scene 27 -  A Risky Proposition
EXT. RANCE’S CAR - DALLAS - DAY

Rance pulls to the curb and gets out of his car. He waves TWO
KIDS over and flashes a few fifty-dollar bills.

RANCE
This is yours if you do your job.

He hands a fifty to the TALL KID (16, scruffy, rail-thin,
with streaks of dirt across his face). He has a cigarette
dangling from the left side of his mouth. Rance yanks the
fifty back.

RANCE (CONT’D)
Not until the job’s done.

TALL KID
What needs to be done?

Rance gestures to the diner across the street.

RANCE
Inside that diner are a few
officers stuffing their faces. I
want you to get a table close
enough so you can tell me what
they’re eating and drinking.
(a beat)
Don’t be obvious and don’t leave
until after they’re gone.
The tall kid lifts the cig to his mouth and takes a long
drag, then he looks at Rance skeptically.

TALL KID
That’s it? Tell you what they’re
eating and drinking?

Rance nods and wags his finger at him.
33

RANCE
This could be dangerous, so don’t
take chances.

Rance hands the kid a twenty.

RANCE (CONT’D)
This is for your food and drinks.
But if they spot you, the deal’s
off. I’ll be parked on the street
behind the diner.

The kids head out, then Rance drives around the block and
parks behind the diner.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Rance arrives in Dallas and enlists two kids to spy on a group of officers inside a diner, offering them money for the task. He instructs the tall kid to observe discreetly while warning him of the potential dangers involved. After giving the kid a twenty for food and drinks, Rance drives around the block to wait for their report, creating a tense atmosphere as the kids prepare to carry out their risky assignment.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Creating suspense
  • Advancing the plot
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Potential lack of clarity in the mission

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the undercover surveillance mission, introducing a sense of danger and mystery.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using street kids for undercover surveillance adds an innovative and intriguing element to the scene.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced through the surveillance mission, adding depth to the storyline and raising the stakes.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the criminal underworld genre, with a focus on gathering information on law enforcement officers. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the authenticity of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are used effectively to drive the plot forward and create tension in the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the tension and danger faced by the characters contribute to their development.

Internal Goal: 8

Rance's internal goal is to gather information on the police officers without being caught, reflecting his desire to maintain his criminal activities and avoid detection.

External Goal: 7.5

Rance's external goal is to gather information on the police officers' activities, reflecting the immediate challenge he faces in maintaining his criminal operations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Rance and the police officers adds tension and suspense to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the potential consequences of being caught by law enforcement officers creating tension and uncertainty. The audience is unsure of how the protagonist will navigate the risks.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the undercover surveillance mission add intensity and suspense to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new element of danger and intrigue through the surveillance mission.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the risks involved in gathering information on law enforcement officers. The audience is unsure of the outcome and the potential consequences for the characters.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Rance's criminal values and the law enforcement officers' duty to uphold the law. This challenges Rance's beliefs and values as he navigates the risks of gathering information on the police.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of danger and suspense, creating an emotional impact on the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the urgency and danger of the situation, enhancing the suspense.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its tense atmosphere, suspenseful interactions, and high stakes. The audience is drawn into the criminal world and the risks involved in gathering information on law enforcement.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of risks and challenges for the protagonist. The rhythm of the scene keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime thriller genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes Rance's resourcefulness and determination to gather information, showcasing his willingness to engage unconventional methods. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to enhance the tension and stakes involved in the task he's assigning to the kids.
  • The characterization of the Tall Kid is somewhat one-dimensional. While he is described as scruffy and skeptical, adding more depth to his personality or background could create a more engaging dynamic between him and Rance. For instance, exploring why he might be willing to take risks for money could add layers to his character.
  • The stakes of the task are not fully articulated. While Rance mentions that it could be dangerous, the scene lacks a clear indication of what the potential consequences might be if the kids are caught. This could heighten the tension and urgency of the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene feels a bit slow, particularly in the dialogue exchanges. Streamlining some of the lines or adding more urgency to Rance's speech could help maintain the reader's interest and reflect the high-stakes nature of the situation.
  • The visual elements are somewhat lacking. While the setting is established, incorporating more sensory details about the diner or the environment could enhance the scene's atmosphere and make it more vivid for the reader.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line or two that hints at the potential danger of the officers noticing the kids, perhaps referencing past incidents or Rance's own experiences to raise the stakes.
  • Develop the Tall Kid's character further by including a brief backstory or motivation for why he would take on this task. This could create a more compelling interaction with Rance.
  • Introduce a sense of urgency in Rance's dialogue to reflect the critical nature of the information he seeks. This could involve him expressing impatience or concern about the officers' activities.
  • Enhance the visual description of the diner and the surrounding area to create a more immersive experience. Consider including sounds, smells, or the atmosphere inside the diner to draw the reader in.
  • To improve pacing, consider cutting down on repetitive phrases or unnecessary dialogue. Focus on making each line serve a purpose in advancing the plot or developing character relationships.



Scene 28 -  A Tense Encounter
INT. DINER - NORTH DALLAS

He goes in the back door into the kitchen, where he talks to
Sanchez, the chef (50, gruff, talks with a Spanish accent).

RANCE
Sanchez, there will be three cops
coming in to eat. After they
finish, take their silverware,
glasses, and plates to the back
room, but make sure no prints are
smeared. I’ll pick them up later.


EXT. DINER - NORTH DALLAS - DAY

The tall kid and his companion exit the diner only to see a
police car parked across the street. The tall kid whispers to
his companion.

TALL KID
Split up. Head north and I'll cut
across the park and double back to
the reporter's car.

The tall kid hops a fence, cuts through the park, and
casually approaches Rance, who is sitting in his car.
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller","Crime"]

Summary Rance discreetly enters a diner in North Dallas, instructing the chef, Sanchez, to carefully manage the dining items of three police officers to avoid leaving prints. Outside, a tall kid and his companion spot a police car and decide to split up to evade detection. The tall kid hops a fence and makes his way towards Rance's car, heightening the tension as both characters navigate a potentially dangerous situation involving law enforcement.
Strengths
  • Intriguing concept of using kids in a covert operation
  • Effective tension-building and suspense
  • Engaging character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this scene
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and mystery, introducing new elements and raising the stakes for the characters. The covert operation adds an exciting twist to the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using kids to spy on police officers adds a unique and intriguing element to the scene, enhancing the suspense and mystery of the investigation.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene, with new clues and developments that drive the story forward. The covert operation adds complexity and intrigue to the overall narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique situations such as the protagonist's criminal activities and the tension between morality and criminality. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the scene, making it feel fresh and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are engaging and play their roles effectively in the scene. Rance's resourcefulness and determination shine through, while the kids add a sense of danger and unpredictability.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, Rance's resourcefulness and determination are highlighted, showcasing his growth as a protagonist.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and ensure the success of his criminal activities. This reflects his deeper need for power and authority, as well as his fear of failure and loss of control.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to evade the police and successfully execute his plan. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges he's facing, highlighting his resourcefulness and cunning.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as the characters navigate a dangerous covert operation to gather evidence. The stakes are high, adding tension and suspense.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing challenges and obstacles that test his abilities and resourcefulness. The audience is left wondering how he will overcome these obstacles and evade the police.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene, as the characters engage in a dangerous covert operation to gather evidence, facing potential risks and consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new clues and developments that propel the investigation and raise the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the plot. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the protagonist will navigate the challenges he faces.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between morality and criminality. The protagonist's actions challenge his beliefs and values, forcing him to make difficult decisions that test his worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of tension and intrigue, keeping the audience emotionally engaged and invested in the characters' journey.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is sharp and serves the purpose of advancing the investigation and building tension. The interactions between characters feel authentic and contribute to the scene's overall tone.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, tense atmosphere, and high stakes. The audience is drawn into the world of crime and suspense, eager to see how the protagonist's plan unfolds.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension. The rhythm of the action and dialogue keeps the audience engaged and invested in the outcome of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, character descriptions, and dialogue formatting. The clarity of the formatting enhances the readability of the scene, making it easy to follow.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene transitions and a focus on action and dialogue. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the plot.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes Rance's covert operation and his reliance on the tall kid, which adds tension and intrigue. However, the dialogue between Rance and Sanchez feels somewhat expository and lacks natural flow. It could benefit from more subtext or character-driven dialogue that reveals their relationship or adds humor.
  • The transition from the diner kitchen to the exterior with the tall kid feels abrupt. A smoother transition could enhance the pacing and maintain the scene's tension. Consider adding a brief moment of Rance observing the diner or Sanchez's reaction to his request to create a more cohesive flow.
  • The tall kid's dialogue is functional but lacks personality. Adding a unique quirk or attitude to the tall kid could make him more memorable and engaging. This would also help to establish a clearer dynamic between him and his companion.
  • The stakes of the task assigned to the tall kid could be heightened. While Rance warns him about potential danger, showing a more immediate threat or consequence could amplify the tension. For example, a brief moment where they overhear a conversation that hints at the cops being suspicious could raise the stakes.
  • The visual elements in the scene are somewhat standard. Incorporating more vivid descriptions of the diner, the kitchen, or the characters' actions could enhance the atmosphere. For instance, describing the sounds of the kitchen or the smells could immerse the audience more deeply in the setting.
Suggestions
  • Revise the dialogue between Rance and Sanchez to include more character-driven elements, perhaps by incorporating a shared history or a humorous exchange that reveals their personalities.
  • Add a brief moment of Rance observing the diner or Sanchez's reaction to his request to create a smoother transition between the kitchen and the exterior scene.
  • Develop the tall kid's character by giving him a distinctive trait or attitude that makes him stand out, which could also provide comic relief or tension.
  • Introduce a moment of immediate threat or suspicion to heighten the stakes for the tall kid, such as overhearing a conversation that suggests the cops are aware of something unusual.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions of the diner and kitchen to create a more immersive atmosphere, using sensory details to engage the audience's imagination.



Scene 29 -  A Sweet Deal
EXT/INT. RANCE’S CAR - CONTINUOUS

RANCE
Well?

The tall kid looks around, taps on the window, then opens the
door and gets in the passenger seat.
34


TALL KID
Three glasses of milk. It was
regular milk, but the lady cop
asked if they had condensed milk.
The cops with her had milk too.

Rance smacks the steering wheel and pulls two fifties from
his pocket. He hands the bills to the kid, then rubs his
knuckles on the kid’s head.

RANCE
Good job.

When the kid reaches for the handle to get out, Rance pulls
out a ten-dollar bill and hands it to him.

The kid smiles and stuffs it in his pocket.

TALL KID
Got a card?

Rance hands him a business card, and the kid writes his name
and number on the back.

TALL KID (CONT’D)
Next time you need something, call.
For fifty bucks I'll tell you what
the mayor ate for breakfast.
(a beat)
For a hundred bucks, we’ll go to
Austin and tell you what the
governor ate.

Rance laughs and playfully punches his shoulder.

RANCE
Get outta here and stay safe.

Rance turns over the engine and drives off.
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller","Crime"]

Summary In this light-hearted scene, Rance is approached by a tall kid who shares overheard information about a lady cop's inquiry into condensed milk. Rance rewards the kid with cash for his tip and engages in playful banter, establishing a friendly rapport. The kid, eager to offer more information for a fee, humorously references local officials' meals. Their interaction ends on a positive note as Rance drives off, having enjoyed the exchange.
Strengths
  • Effective use of suspense and tension
  • Intriguing plot developments
  • Engaging character interactions
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Character development could be deeper

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through the use of undercover tactics, unexpected twists, and character interactions.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of using undercover tactics to gather information adds depth to the investigation plot and creates a sense of danger and mystery.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene, introducing new leads, conflicts, and raising the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the criminal underworld genre by focusing on the dynamics between a seasoned criminal and a young informant. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are engaging and play crucial roles in advancing the investigation, but there is room for further development and depth.

Character Changes: 6

While there are subtle changes in character dynamics and motivations, there is potential for deeper character development and growth.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain his reputation and connections within the criminal underworld. He wants to show appreciation to the young informant while also establishing a mutually beneficial relationship.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to gather information and maintain his network of informants to navigate the criminal landscape effectively.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with conflicts, both internal and external, as characters navigate through dangerous situations and uncover potential corruption.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create uncertainty and tension, with the potential for future obstacles and challenges for the protagonist.

High Stakes: 9

The scene is filled with high stakes as characters uncover potential corruption, face danger, and navigate through a web of secrets and deception.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new leads, conflicts, and raising the stakes for the characters, driving the investigation narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the protagonist's interactions with the young informant and the potential for future conflicts.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the moral ambiguity of the protagonist's actions. He is engaging with criminal elements and corrupt cops, blurring the lines between right and wrong.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from suspense and concern to relief and playfulness, engaging the audience in the characters' journey.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is effective in conveying information, building tension, and showcasing character dynamics, but some exchanges could be more impactful.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tension between characters, the subtle power dynamics at play, and the promise of future intrigue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of tension and intrigue, keeping the audience engaged in the unfolding interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures a light-hearted moment amidst the tension of the overarching narrative. The playful banter between Rance and the tall kid adds a layer of humor that contrasts well with the serious themes of the story, showcasing Rance's character as someone who can engage with the youth while still being focused on his investigation.
  • The dialogue flows naturally, and the tall kid's entrepreneurial spirit is well-established through his humorous offers to Rance. This not only makes the character memorable but also adds depth to the scene, illustrating the kid's resourcefulness and the socio-economic context in which he operates.
  • However, the scene could benefit from a stronger sense of urgency. Given the stakes involved in Rance's investigation, it might be more effective to convey a sense of danger or risk associated with the kid's task. This could be achieved through Rance's internal thoughts or a brief mention of the potential consequences if they are caught.
  • The physical actions, such as Rance rubbing the kid's head and the playful punch, are effective in establishing a mentor-like relationship. However, these actions could be enhanced with more descriptive language to paint a clearer picture of their interaction and the environment around them, which would help ground the scene further.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one is somewhat abrupt. A brief moment of reflection or a line of internal dialogue from Rance could help bridge the two scenes, providing context for why he is engaging with the kid and what he hopes to gain from this interaction.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line of internal dialogue for Rance that reflects his anxiety or urgency about the investigation, which would heighten the stakes of the scene.
  • Enhance the descriptions of the physical actions and the environment to create a more vivid picture of the interaction between Rance and the tall kid.
  • Introduce a subtle element of tension or risk in the dialogue or actions, perhaps by having Rance glance around nervously or mention the possibility of being spotted by the police.
  • Bridge the transition from the previous scene to this one with a line that reflects Rance's thoughts or feelings about the situation, providing a smoother narrative flow.
  • Consider giving the tall kid a more distinct personality trait or quirk that makes him stand out even more, which could add to the humor and memorability of the scene.



Scene 30 -  Tension in Command
INT. KARO’S HOUSE - DAY

Karo closes his eyes and focuses. Soon, the images of SIX
ASSOCIATES appear in the room, floating in mid-air.

KARO
I’m not blaming anyone for what
happened; I’m simply stating facts.
(MORE)
35
KARO (CONT’D)
There were mistakes the night of
the landing, and they were made
worse by allowing the humans to get
the DNA evidence.
(a beat)
NY has been taken care of, but the
evidence in Dallas is in question.

Karo paces the room and glances at each image as he does.

KARO (CONT’D)
I spoke with the High Commander
last night. He is on his way with a
full fleet. Let’s not have any
surprises for him when he arrives.

Karo turns and stares at Officer Marcus.

KARO (CONT’D)
You need to keep a low profile. The
reporter already suspects you.
Officer Justine Marcus’s image moves forward and speaks.

JUSTINE
Let me get rid of him, and that
problem will be solved.

Karo glares.

KARO
If the situation worsens, I’ll have
to call in a C12. And you know the
High Commander disapproves of C12s.

JUSTINE
If you allow me to —

KARO
You will do as I say, Sub-
Commander, or I will refer this to
the High Commander for judgment.

Justine clenches her fists and grits her teeth.

JUSTINE
Understood, Commander.
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Thriller"]

Summary In Karo's house, the commander convenes with floating images of his associates to address the fallout from a recent incident involving humans and DNA evidence. He stresses the importance of discretion as the High Commander approaches with a fleet. Officer Justine Marcus, frustrated by Karo's orders, advocates for a more aggressive approach to deal with a suspicious reporter. Karo firmly rejects her suggestion to eliminate the reporter, asserting his authority and warning of consequences if she disobeys. The scene is marked by tension and urgency, culminating in Justine reluctantly accepting Karo's directives.
Strengths
  • Compelling dialogue
  • High stakes
  • Intriguing plot developments
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development for some minor characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a high-stakes conflict, introducing key plot points and character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of alien involvement in human affairs and the manipulation of events for their own agenda adds depth and intrigue to the storyline.

Plot: 9

The plot is advanced significantly in this scene, with key revelations and developments that drive the narrative forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a futuristic setting with advanced technologies and a secretive organization, which adds a fresh and original element to the familiar themes of power struggles and leadership dynamics. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension and suspense of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined and their interactions are compelling, adding depth and complexity to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant development in this scene, with their motivations and loyalties tested.

Internal Goal: 8

Karo's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and authority over his subordinates while dealing with a potential crisis. This reflects his need for power and respect within the organization.

External Goal: 7

Karo's external goal is to prevent any further complications or mistakes that could jeopardize the mission. This reflects the immediate challenge of managing a delicate situation and ensuring the success of the mission.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with tensions running high and the stakes raised significantly for the characters involved.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and power dynamics between the characters. The audience is kept on edge by the uncertainty of how the characters will navigate the situation.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with the characters facing serious consequences and the threat of alien intervention looming large.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing new plot points and raising the stakes for the characters involved.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting power dynamics, potential consequences of the characters' actions, and the looming threat of a C12 intervention. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between maintaining control through authority and potentially resorting to extreme measures like calling in a C12, which goes against the High Commander's disapproval. This challenges Karo's values and beliefs about leadership and decision-making.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of tension and suspense, keeping the audience emotionally engaged and invested in the outcome.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and reveals important information about the characters and their motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, strategic power play, and intense dialogue between the characters. The tension and suspense keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of conflict and resolution. The rhythm of the dialogue and character movements contribute to the scene's intensity.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. It adheres to the expected format for its genre.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a tense and suspenseful dialogue-driven scene, with clear character motivations and escalating conflict. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes Karo's authority and the tension surrounding the impending arrival of the High Commander. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to enhance the stakes. Karo's statements are straightforward, which may reduce the dramatic tension. Adding layers to his dialogue could create a more engaging conflict.
  • The use of floating images to represent the associates is a creative visual choice, but it may come off as somewhat abstract. It could be beneficial to clarify the nature of these images—are they holograms, projections, or something else? Providing a brief visual description could help ground the audience in the scene.
  • Justine's eagerness to eliminate the reporter feels a bit one-dimensional. While it establishes her as a potential antagonist, her motivations could be explored further. Why is she so willing to resort to violence? Adding a line or two that hints at her backstory or personal stakes could make her character more compelling.
  • The pacing of the scene is somewhat uneven. Karo's pacing around the room while addressing the associates could be more dynamic. Consider incorporating physical actions that reflect his emotional state, such as clenching his fists or pacing faster when discussing the urgency of the situation.
  • The scene lacks a clear emotional arc. While it sets up the stakes for Karo and Justine, there is little emotional resonance. Incorporating more internal conflict or emotional reactions from Karo or Justine could enhance the audience's investment in their fates.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding subtext to Karo's dialogue to create tension. For example, instead of stating facts, he could express frustration or fear about the consequences of the mistakes made, hinting at his own vulnerabilities.
  • Clarify the nature of the floating images. A brief description of how they appear or interact with Karo could enhance the visual storytelling and help the audience understand the technology being used.
  • Develop Justine's character by adding a line that reveals her motivations or fears. This could make her more relatable and complex, rather than just a villainous figure.
  • Incorporate more physicality into Karo's actions. For instance, he could stop pacing and confront Justine directly, which would heighten the tension and make the scene feel more immediate.
  • Introduce an emotional element to the scene. Perhaps Karo reflects on the consequences of their actions, showing a moment of doubt or fear about the High Commander's arrival, which could create a more engaging narrative.



Scene 31 -  Urgent Call
EXT. RANCE’S CAR - DAY

Rance dials Captain Hollins and waits for him to pick up.
36

RANCE
Hollins, can we meet? I’ve got a
lot to discuss.

Hollins hems and haws.

HOLLINS
How about your office in half an
hour? I’m on my way to Plano.
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Rance, in his car, urgently calls Captain Hollins to arrange a meeting, emphasizing the importance of their discussion. Despite Hollins's initial reluctance, he ultimately agrees to meet at Rance's office in half an hour, resolving the tension of the moment.
Strengths
  • Strong dialogue
  • Tension building
  • Plot advancement
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Moderate emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a crucial meeting between Rance and Captain Hollins, advancing the plot and maintaining the audience's interest.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of arranging a meeting to discuss crucial information adds intrigue and propels the plot forward.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced significantly as Rance takes steps to discuss important developments with Captain Hollins.

Originality: 7

The scene is fairly original in its approach to a common scenario of a character making a phone call to arrange a meeting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are engaging and drive the scene forward with their interactions and motivations.

Character Changes: 6

There is minimal character change in this scene, as the focus is more on plot progression and setting up future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

Rance's internal goal in this scene is to address a pressing issue or concern that he has been dealing with. This reflects his need for resolution or closure on a personal or professional matter.

External Goal: 7

Rance's external goal is to have a meeting with Captain Hollins to discuss important matters. This reflects the immediate challenge or circumstance he is facing in the story.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict as Rance navigates the risks and uncertainties of arranging a meeting to discuss sensitive information.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as indicated by Hollins' hesitance to agree to the meeting, creating a sense of conflict and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Rance arranges a meeting to discuss sensitive and potentially dangerous information, adding tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by setting up a crucial meeting that will likely lead to important revelations and developments.

Unpredictability: 6

This scene is somewhat predictable in its setup of a character making a phone call to arrange a meeting, but the outcome of the meeting is uncertain, adding a level of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict evident in this scene between Rance's desire for communication and resolution, and Hollins' hesitance or reluctance to engage in the conversation. This challenges Rance's belief in the importance of open communication and honesty.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a moderate emotional response due to the suspense and concern surrounding the meeting.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, conveying the urgency and tension of the situation while also revealing character dynamics.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the tension and suspense created by the characters' dialogue and actions, as well as the sense of urgency in the situation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a clear rhythm to the dialogue and actions of the characters.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of this scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and character names for dialogue.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for a dialogue-driven scene in a screenplay, with clear character actions and dialogue.


Critique
  • The scene is functional but lacks emotional depth and tension. Rance's urgency is stated but not shown, which diminishes the stakes of the conversation. The dialogue feels somewhat flat and could benefit from more subtext or urgency to convey Rance's desperation.
  • Hollins' hesitance is a good character trait, but it could be enhanced by showing more of his internal conflict or reluctance. This would add layers to his character and make the interaction more engaging.
  • The setting is minimal, and while it serves its purpose, it could be enriched with visual details that reflect Rance's state of mind. For example, showing Rance's anxious body language or the environment around him could help convey his urgency.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one feels abrupt. A brief moment of reflection or a visual cue could help bridge the emotional gap between Justine's tense situation and Rance's phone call.
  • The dialogue could be more dynamic. Instead of just stating the meeting time, Hollins could express concern or skepticism about the urgency of the meeting, which would create a more engaging back-and-forth.
Suggestions
  • Add a visual element that reflects Rance's anxiety, such as him tapping his fingers on the steering wheel or glancing nervously around the car, to enhance the tension of the scene.
  • Consider incorporating a line of dialogue from Rance that hints at the gravity of the situation he wants to discuss, which would create a sense of urgency and intrigue.
  • Develop Hollins' character further by giving him a line that reflects his own concerns or priorities, making the conversation feel more like a negotiation rather than a simple request.
  • Include a brief moment of Rance's internal thoughts or feelings before the call, which could provide insight into his state of mind and the stakes involved in the meeting.
  • To improve the pacing, consider adding a beat after Hollins agrees to meet, allowing Rance to react to the confirmation, which could heighten the tension before transitioning to the next scene.



Scene 32 -  Desperate Measures
INT. WWNEWS - DALLAS - DAY

Rance sits behind his desk. He stands to shake hands when
Hollins arrives.

Hollins takes a seat and nods to Rance.

HOLLINS
You’ve got ten minutes, Gallo.
RANCE
Captain, I’m going to call in
whatever favors I’ve earned.

Hollins’ eyebrows raise, and he sits up straight.

RANCE (CONT’D)
I’d like you to launch a full-scale
investigation into my missing
reporter. We filed full reports on
it the day he disappeared.

HOLLINS
Gallo, do you know how busy I am? I
can do the normal investigation,
but I can’t make it a priority.
It's an election year, and the
politicians are itching for
somebody to hang by the nuts.

Rance sets his coffee cup on the table.

RANCE
Captain, I’ve got —

HOLLINS
Yeah, I know, Gallo. I’ve heard all
the rumors: spaceships,
disappearing bodies, dead
scientists, and now a lab that’s
been blown up.
(MORE)
37
HOLLINS (CONT’D)
I’ve got a lot on my plate too, so
forgive me if I take care of
business.

The captain leans forward, and Rance continues to stare.

HOLLINS (CONT’D)
All right. I’ll do what I can
without making it obvious. Now tell
me, do you really believe in all
this shit?

RANCE
I don’t know what to believe,
Hollins, but strange things are
happening, and if you’re smart,
you’ll work with me to get to the
bottom of it.

HOLLINS
I’ll give it thought.

Hollins tosses his business card on the table and stands.

HOLLINS (CONT’D)
Don’t call me unless you have
something real.
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller","Crime"]

Summary In the WWNews office in Dallas, Rance urgently meets with Captain Hollins to discuss the investigation into his missing reporter. Despite Hollins' initial reluctance due to other pressing matters, he agrees to assist discreetly, provided Rance can offer credible information. The scene is tense, highlighting Rance's desperation and Hollins' skepticism, culminating in a conditional agreement as Hollins instructs Rance to only contact him with substantial leads.
Strengths
  • Strong sense of urgency
  • Compelling mystery setup
  • Tension-filled interactions
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Emotional depth could be enhanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a compelling mystery with strong character interactions and a sense of urgency.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of investigating mysterious events involving disappearances, explosions, and potential alien involvement is intriguing and engaging.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene, setting up key investigative elements and raising the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on investigative journalism and conspiracy themes, with authentic character interactions and a sense of realism.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed and their interactions drive the scene forward, especially Rance and Hollins.

Character Changes: 7

Rance shows determination and urgency in pushing for the investigation, while Hollins displays skepticism and reluctance.

Internal Goal: 8

Rance's internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth behind the disappearance of his reporter. This reflects his need for justice, his fear of the unknown, and his desire to protect his team.

External Goal: 7.5

Rance's external goal is to convince Captain Hollins to launch a full-scale investigation into the missing reporter. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in getting official support for his cause.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Rance's urgency and Hollins' reluctance to prioritize the investigation adds tension to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations between Rance and Hollins that create uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of investigating mysterious disappearances, explosions, and potential alien involvement add intensity to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by setting up key investigative elements and raising the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics between Rance and Hollins, as well as the unresolved mystery of the missing reporter.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between skepticism and belief in the supernatural or unexplained events. Hollins represents skepticism, while Rance leans towards belief. This challenges Rance's worldview and values, as he grapples with the idea of working with someone who doubts him.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of concern and urgency, but could have more emotional depth in character interactions.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the urgency and tension of the investigation, but some lines could be more impactful.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its tense dialogue, mysterious elements, and character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively, with a gradual escalation of conflict and resolution that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-driven investigative drama, with clear character motivations and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes tension between Rance and Hollins, showcasing Rance's urgency and Hollins' reluctance. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to deepen their relationship and the stakes involved. Right now, it feels somewhat one-dimensional, with Rance as the desperate journalist and Hollins as the indifferent captain.
  • Hollins' character comes off as somewhat stereotypical, embodying the 'busy authority figure' trope. To make him more relatable or complex, consider adding a line or two that hints at his own struggles or pressures, which could create a more nuanced dynamic between him and Rance.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but it could be tightened further. Some lines, particularly Hollins' responses, could be more concise to maintain the urgency of the conversation. For example, instead of 'I can do the normal investigation, but I can’t make it a priority,' consider a more direct approach that conveys the same message in fewer words.
  • The stakes of the missing reporter are not fully realized in this scene. While Rance expresses urgency, the audience needs to feel the weight of the situation more. Perhaps Rance could reference specific consequences of the reporter's disappearance or hint at what he believes is at stake, which would heighten the tension.
  • The scene ends somewhat abruptly with Hollins tossing his business card. This could be an opportunity to add a final line from Rance that reflects his frustration or determination, leaving the audience with a stronger emotional impact.
Suggestions
  • Add subtext to the dialogue to reveal more about Rance and Hollins' past interactions or their personal stakes in the investigation.
  • Consider giving Hollins a line that hints at his own pressures or conflicts, making him a more rounded character.
  • Tighten the dialogue by removing unnecessary words or phrases to enhance the urgency of the scene.
  • Incorporate specific stakes related to the missing reporter to emphasize the seriousness of the situation and Rance's desperation.
  • End the scene with a strong line from Rance that encapsulates his frustration or determination, providing a more impactful conclusion.



Scene 33 -  Urgent Investigations
INT. WWNEWS - DALLAS - DAY

Rance steps off the elevator into a beehive of activity:
Reporters are typing away at their workstations and talking
on the phone. Others are filing reports and sorting evidence.

Rance is on his way to his office when RJ pokes his head out
of the office.

RJ STRYKER
Gallo, I need to see you.


INT. RJ’S OFFICE - DAY

Rance takes a seat across from RJ.

RJ STRYKER
I just heard from the newsrooms in
LA, Philadelphia, and Chicago.
They’ve all had a rash of
pharmacies broken into.
(MORE)
38
RJ STRYKER (CONT’D)
I’m beginning to think this may be
one of the cartels with some new
kind of drug cocktail.

Rance sucks on a dry cigarette.

RANCE
I’m on it, boss. Mario and I are
already checking it out.

Rance heads for the door, but stops and turns to RJ.

RANCE (CONT’D)
And by the way, your daughter is
doing fine. I’ll tell Emily you
asked for her.

RJ STRYKER
Don’t try that guilt shit on me.
She has a phone.
(a beat)
Now get out of here and get to the
bottom of whatever the hell this
is.
Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary In the bustling WWNews office in Dallas, Rance meets with his boss, RJ Stryker, to discuss a series of pharmacy break-ins potentially linked to drug cartels. Rance reassures RJ about his daughter, Emily, but RJ deflects personal guilt and emphasizes the urgency of the investigation. The scene captures the tension between the pressing news story and personal concerns, ending with RJ urging Rance to delve deeper into the matter.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing plot setup
  • Tension-building elements
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up a complex investigation with multiple layers of intrigue and danger, maintaining a high level of tension and suspense throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of investigating a series of pharmacy break-ins linked to drug cartels and mysterious DNA evidence is intriguing and sets up a compelling mystery for the audience to follow.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene advances the overall investigation and introduces new elements of intrigue and danger, setting up future conflicts and revelations.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the crime genre by focusing on the investigative work of journalists in a newsroom setting. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters in the scene, particularly Rance and RJ, are well-defined and their motivations are clear. However, there is room for further development and exploration of their relationships and backstories.

Character Changes: 6

While there are hints of character growth and development, particularly in Rance's determination and sense of responsibility, there is room for further exploration of how the events in the scene impact the characters.

Internal Goal: 8

Rance's internal goal in this scene is to prove himself as a competent and reliable investigator to his boss, RJ. He wants to show that he is capable of handling the investigation into the pharmacy break-ins and earn RJ's trust and respect.

External Goal: 7

Rance's external goal in this scene is to investigate the recent pharmacy break-ins and uncover the truth behind them. He needs to solve the case and stop the criminal activity before it escalates further.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as the characters navigate a complex investigation, face potential dangers, and uncover new mysteries.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with RJ challenging Rance to prove himself and solve the case. The audience is left unsure of how Rance will navigate this conflict and earn RJ's trust.

High Stakes: 9

The scene establishes high stakes, including potential danger, hidden threats, and the need to uncover the truth before it's too late, adding tension and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new plot points, raising questions, and setting up future conflicts and revelations.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist of Rance mentioning RJ's daughter and the tension between the characters. The audience is left wondering how this conflict will play out.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the ethical dilemma of balancing personal relationships with professional responsibilities. Rance's mention of RJ's daughter and his promise to pass on a message to his wife highlights this conflict.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of urgency, concern, and suspense, keeping the audience emotionally engaged and invested in the characters' journey.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is engaging and serves to advance the plot, establish character dynamics, and build tension. It effectively conveys the urgency and seriousness of the investigation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, tense atmosphere, and high-stakes conflict. The interactions between the characters and the urgency of the investigation keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue and action that keeps the story moving forward. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a busy newsroom environment, which helps to convey the urgency and chaos of the situation. However, it could benefit from more specific details about the reporters' activities to enhance the visual imagery and immerse the audience in the setting.
  • Rance's interaction with RJ Stryker is straightforward but lacks emotional depth. While the dialogue conveys the urgency of the pharmacy break-ins, it could be enriched with subtext or personal stakes for Rance, making the scene more engaging.
  • The use of a dry cigarette as a prop for Rance is a nice touch, suggesting his stress or anxiety. However, it could be more impactful if it were tied to his character's backstory or current emotional state, providing insight into his mindset.
  • RJ's dismissal of Rance's comment about his daughter feels somewhat abrupt. This could be an opportunity to explore their relationship further, perhaps by adding a line that hints at RJ's protective nature or his complicated feelings about family, which would add layers to his character.
  • The pacing of the scene is quick, which is appropriate for a newsroom setting, but it may benefit from a moment of tension or conflict to heighten the stakes. For instance, a brief interruption or a piece of breaking news could serve to elevate the urgency of Rance's mission.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more sensory details about the newsroom environment, such as sounds, smells, or specific actions of the reporters, to create a more vivid scene.
  • Add a line or two of internal monologue for Rance to express his feelings about the investigation or his relationship with RJ, which would deepen the audience's connection to him.
  • Consider expanding RJ's response to Rance's comment about his daughter, perhaps by including a hint of vulnerability or concern that reveals more about his character.
  • Introduce a minor conflict or distraction in the newsroom that interrupts Rance's conversation with RJ, which could serve to heighten the tension and urgency of the situation.
  • Explore the dynamics of Rance and RJ's relationship further, perhaps by including a moment of camaraderie or tension that reflects their history and the stakes of the current investigation.



Scene 34 -  Chase Through the Night
EXT. RANCE’S CAR - NIGHT

Rance turns the engine over and drives off. He checks the
rearview mirror and sees a cop car following him. As he
passes an intersection, another cop car turns and follows him
as well. He checks the rearview mirror and sees both cars
getting closer.

Rance turns at the next intersection onto a four-lane road.
He checks the mirror again, but they’re still following. He
slows down to get a better look.

As he approaches the next intersection, he sees a concrete
truck racing toward him. He checks his mirror and sees the
cops are close behind him, then he presses hard on the
accelerator and races through the intersection, just in time.

Rance slows down, but then hears the loud WAIL of the sirens
and sees the unmistakable flashing lights. The hackles on his
neck go up, and he flips on the left turn signal.

He doesn’t pull over, but makes a U-turn at the next
intersection and heads to Smitty’s, a bar frequented by
reporters.
39
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Action"]

Summary Rance drives away in his car, realizing he is being pursued by two police cars. He attempts to evade them by navigating through city streets, narrowly avoiding a collision with a concrete truck at an intersection. Despite his efforts, the police sirens grow louder, prompting him to make a U-turn and head towards Smitty's bar, a known haunt for reporters, in a desperate bid to escape.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • High-stakes conflict
  • Engaging chase sequence
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively creates a sense of urgency and danger through the fast-paced chase sequence and the looming threat of police intervention. The stakes are high, and the tension is palpable, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-speed chase involving Rance being pursued by police cars is executed well, adding excitement and suspense to the narrative. The scene effectively conveys the danger and urgency of the situation.

Plot: 7

The plot is advanced as Rance navigates the dangerous situation of being chased by the police, leading to a pivotal encounter at the bar. The scene adds tension and raises the stakes for the characters involved.

Originality: 7

The scene presents a familiar situation of a police pursuit but adds a fresh twist with the concrete truck and the bar frequented by reporters. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add to the tension.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Rance's character is developed through his actions and decisions during the chase, showcasing his resourcefulness and quick thinking under pressure. The police officers add to the conflict and danger of the scene.

Character Changes: 5

While Rance's character is tested and showcased in the scene, there is minimal change or growth for him at this point. The focus is more on his actions and decisions under pressure.

Internal Goal: 8

Rance's internal goal in this scene is to evade the police and avoid getting caught. This reflects his fear of consequences and desire to protect himself.

External Goal: 7

Rance's external goal is to escape the police pursuit and reach the safety of Smitty's bar.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is high, with Rance being pursued by the police, adding a sense of danger and urgency to the narrative. The encounter at the bar raises the stakes and sets the stage for further conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the police pursuit and the concrete truck creating obstacles that challenge the protagonist's goals.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with Rance facing imminent danger and the threat of police intervention. The pursuit adds tension and urgency to the narrative, keeping the audience on edge.

Story Forward: 8

The scene significantly moves the story forward by escalating the conflict and raising the stakes for Rance and the other characters. It sets the stage for further developments and challenges in the investigation.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected appearance of the concrete truck and the twist of Rance heading to a bar frequented by reporters instead of evading the police.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Rance's desire to evade the law and his sense of morality. It challenges his beliefs about right and wrong.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a moderate level of emotional impact through the tense and suspenseful atmosphere created by the chase sequence. The audience is invested in Rance's predicament and the outcome of the pursuit.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but serves to heighten the tension and urgency of the situation. Rance's actions speak louder than words as he navigates the high-stakes chase.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, fast-paced action, and the sense of danger that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and a fast-paced resolution that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with concise action lines and dialogue.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful chase sequence, building tension and leading to a climactic moment.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by placing Rance in a high-stakes situation where he is being followed by police cars. This creates a sense of urgency and danger, which is crucial for maintaining audience engagement.
  • The use of the rearview mirror as a narrative device is effective in conveying Rance's anxiety and awareness of his surroundings. It visually emphasizes his paranoia and the escalating threat he feels.
  • However, the scene could benefit from more internal conflict or emotional depth. While Rance is clearly in a precarious situation, the scene lacks insight into his thoughts or feelings about being pursued. Adding internal monologue or brief flashbacks could enhance the emotional stakes.
  • The description of the concrete truck racing toward Rance is a strong visual moment, but it could be more impactful if it were tied to Rance's emotional state. For example, he could have a fleeting thought about the consequences of a collision or a memory associated with trucks, which would deepen the audience's connection to him.
  • The transition from the chase to Rance's decision to head to Smitty's feels abrupt. A brief moment of reflection or a decision-making process could help the audience understand why he chooses to go to a bar instead of pulling over, adding layers to his character.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate Rance's internal thoughts or feelings during the chase to provide more emotional depth and help the audience connect with his character.
  • Consider adding a moment of reflection or a flashback that ties Rance's current situation to his past, enhancing the stakes of the chase.
  • Expand on the moment when Rance sees the concrete truck; perhaps include a brief internal dialogue that reflects his fear or determination, making the scene more impactful.
  • Smooth the transition to Smitty's by including a line or two that explains Rance's reasoning for going there instead of pulling over, which will clarify his motivations for the audience.



Scene 35 -  A Reckless Deal at Smitty's
INT. SMITTY’S BAR - DAY

Rance scans the bar looking for friends. The bar is crowded
and the tables are full. Rance squeezes between a FEW GUYS
standing at the bar and throws two hundred-dollar bills on
the counter.

RANCE
Drinks for me and my friends — no
matter who they work for.

He goes to the bathroom and peeks out the window. Both cop
cars are parked across the street. Rance returns to the bar,
slaps another fifty on the bar, and orders more drinks.

RANCE (CONT’D)
More drinks for those who can hold
their liquor, but before you slug
it down, know that I need someone
to drive me home. I’m willing to
pay $100 for a sober man — if there
are any here — to drive my car, and
another $100 for someone to follow
us and drive them home.

Many people raise their hands, but Rance picks one near the
back. A BARFLY (female, 20s, long blonde hair, fit body) nods
when Rance selects her, and she points to a MOTORCYCLE MAN
(40, leather jacket) accompanying her.

BARFLY
He’d be good to go along with us.

MOTORCYCLE MAN
I got a ride, so she can come back
with me.

Rance nods.
RANCE
Let me finish this drink, and we’ll
get going.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Crime"]

Summary In a bustling bar called Smitty's, Rance orders drinks for himself and his friends while scanning for police outside. He offers $200 for a sober driver and a follower, attracting interest from patrons. Rance selects a barfly and her motorcycle companion to assist him, showcasing his carefree attitude despite the lurking danger. The scene captures a lively yet tense atmosphere as Rance prepares to leave after finishing his drink, setting the stage for his next adventure.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Intriguing character interactions
  • Strategic plot advancement
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion with multiple characters introduced quickly

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through its setting, character interactions, and the unfolding of a covert operation, keeping the audience engaged and eager to learn more.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Rance recruiting strangers to help him evade police surveillance in a crowded bar adds an element of intrigue and danger to the scene, showcasing his resourcefulness and quick thinking.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene as Rance gathers crucial information while under surveillance, setting the stage for future revelations and developments in the investigation.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar setting of a bar but adds a fresh twist with the element of finding a designated driver. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are well-developed, with Rance displaying resourcefulness and quick thinking, the barfly and motorcycle man adding intrigue and assistance, and the police cars creating a sense of danger and urgency.

Character Changes: 7

Rance demonstrates his resourcefulness and quick thinking in this scene, adapting to the surveillance and recruiting strangers to help him, showcasing his ability to think on his feet.

Internal Goal: 8

Rance's internal goal is to maintain control and assert his authority in a potentially dangerous situation. This reflects his need for power and his fear of losing control.

External Goal: 7

Rance's external goal is to find a designated driver to safely get him home without attracting the attention of the police. This reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is high, with Rance facing surveillance from police cars, the need to gather information discreetly, and the danger of being discovered, adding tension and suspense to the narrative.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Rance faces the challenge of finding a designated driver while also dealing with the presence of cop cars outside the bar.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with Rance facing surveillance, the need to gather information discreetly, and the danger of being discovered, adding urgency and tension to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by providing crucial information, setting up future developments, and advancing the investigation, keeping the narrative momentum strong.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience is unsure of how the situation with the cop cars will unfold and who Rance will ultimately choose as the designated driver.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between loyalty to friends and self-preservation. Rance's willingness to pay for a designated driver shows his concern for safety, but also his loyalty to his friends by providing drinks for them.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of tension and intrigue, keeping the audience emotionally engaged as Rance navigates a dangerous situation and uncovers vital information.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and urgency of the scene, with Rance's instructions to the strangers and the brief interactions adding depth to the character dynamics.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, dynamic character interactions, and the sense of mystery surrounding the presence of cop cars outside the bar.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action and dialogue that keeps the audience engaged and builds tension effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy scene in a screenplay, with proper use of character names and action lines. The formatting enhances the readability of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a bar scene in a screenplay, with clear action lines and dialogue formatting. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of urgency and tension, as Rance is trying to evade the police while seeking help from patrons at the bar. However, the transition from the previous scene to this one could be smoother. The reader may benefit from a brief internal monologue or reflection from Rance about his situation, which would enhance the emotional stakes.
  • Rance's dialogue is straightforward and serves its purpose, but it lacks a bit of personality. Adding a touch of humor or a quip could make Rance more relatable and engaging, especially in a high-stress situation. This would also help to lighten the mood slightly, contrasting the tension of being followed.
  • The introduction of the Barfly and Motorcycle Man is functional, but their characterizations are minimal. Providing a brief description or a line of dialogue that hints at their personalities could make them more memorable and add depth to the scene. For instance, the Barfly could have a witty remark that showcases her confidence.
  • The stakes of Rance's situation are clear, but the scene could benefit from a stronger visual element that emphasizes the police presence outside. Perhaps Rance could notice something specific about the police cars or the officers that heightens his anxiety, creating a more vivid picture for the audience.
  • The pacing of the scene feels a bit rushed. While the urgency is appropriate, allowing for a moment of hesitation or contemplation from Rance before he makes his decisions could add depth to his character and build tension. This could be achieved through a brief pause or a moment of doubt before he throws down the money.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal thought from Rance as he enters the bar, reflecting on his current predicament and the need for help. This could enhance the emotional connection with the audience.
  • Inject some humor or personality into Rance's dialogue to make him more relatable. A witty remark or a self-deprecating comment could lighten the mood and provide insight into his character.
  • Develop the Barfly and Motorcycle Man's characters with a line or two that hints at their personalities or backstory. This will make them more engaging and memorable for the audience.
  • Enhance the visual description of the police presence outside the bar. Perhaps Rance could see something specific that makes him more anxious, such as an officer looking directly at him or a police radio crackling with activity.
  • Slow down the pacing slightly to allow for a moment of hesitation from Rance. This could build tension and give the audience a chance to feel his anxiety before he makes decisions.



Scene 36 -  Flirting with Danger
EXT. RANCE’S CAR - NIGHT

Rance gets into the passenger seat and the BARFLY drives his
car while the MOTORCYCLE MAN follows on his bike.

Barfly turns left on a back road and Motorcycle Man follows.
Rance looks behind him and snaps pictures with his phone.
40


RANCE
The cars following us are the ones
that tailed me earlier.

BARFLY
What do you want me to do?

RANCE
How about you and your buddy spend
the night at my place? I’ll give
you another hundred each.

She smiles seductively.

BARFLY
I’m game, but you might want to
check with my friend.

Rance blushes and shakes his head.

RANCE
Not like that. I’m married and my
wife is home. And no, she’s not
into that scene.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Crime"]

Summary In a tense yet playful night scene, Rance enters the passenger seat of a car driven by the flirtatious Barfly, while a Motorcycle Man silently follows them. Concerned about being tailed by the same cars from earlier, Rance suggests the Barfly and her friend stay at his place for safety, leading to a humorous misunderstanding about his intentions. Despite the Barfly's teasing and flirtation, Rance maintains his boundaries due to his marriage, resulting in an awkward yet lighthearted exchange as he documents the situation with his phone.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Character dynamics
  • Plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Lack of significant character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue while introducing a playful dynamic between the characters, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of evading surveillance and gathering information through unconventional means is engaging and adds layers to the storyline.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced through the characters' actions and interactions, setting up future developments and maintaining the audience's interest.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the classic 'chase' scenario by adding layers of moral complexity and personal stakes for the characters. The dialogue feels authentic and reveals the characters' conflicting motivations.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' personalities and motivations drive the scene, with Rance's resourcefulness and the barfly's willingness to help adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 6

While there is not significant character development in this scene, Rance's resourcefulness and the barfly's willingness to help showcase their personalities.

Internal Goal: 8

Rance's internal goal in this scene is to protect his family and maintain his reputation despite the dangerous situation he finds himself in. His fear of his wife finding out about his involvement in whatever is happening drives his actions and decisions.

External Goal: 7

Rance's external goal is to shake off the cars following them and ensure his safety and that of the barfly and motorcycle man. He offers them money to stay at his place as a way to distract the pursuers.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between evading surveillance and gathering information creates tension and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, but not overwhelming to the point of overshadowing the characters' internal struggles.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as Rance attempts to evade police surveillance and gather crucial information, adding urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new information and setting up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting motivations and the uncertain outcome of their decisions. The audience is left wondering how the situation will resolve.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' moral choices and the consequences of their actions. Rance's decision to involve the barfly and motorcycle man in his plan raises questions about loyalty, trust, and the lengths people will go to protect themselves.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a moderate emotional response through the tension and playfulness of the characters' interactions.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and playfulness of the scene, enhancing the character interactions and advancing the plot.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced action, sharp dialogue, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of action, dialogue, and tension that keeps the audience engaged and invested in the characters' choices.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene is well-formatted and easy to follow, with clear action lines and dialogue cues that enhance the pacing and tension of the scene.

Structure: 7

The scene follows a typical structure for a suspenseful chase sequence, with escalating tension and character interactions driving the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively maintains tension by showing Rance's awareness of being followed, which adds urgency to his interactions with the Barfly and Motorcycle Man. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to enhance the stakes of the situation. Rance's offer to pay the Barfly and her friend to stay at his place feels somewhat casual given the context of being pursued, which could undermine the tension.
  • Rance's insistence on clarifying his intentions with the Barfly feels a bit forced and could be more naturally integrated into the dialogue. Instead of stating that he is married and his wife isn't into that scene, Rance could express his concern for his wife's safety in a way that also conveys his discomfort with the situation, adding depth to his character.
  • The Barfly's flirtation could be more nuanced. Instead of a straightforward seductive smile, consider adding a line that hints at her awareness of the danger they are in, which could create a more complex dynamic between her and Rance. This would also help to establish her character as more than just a plot device.
  • The scene lacks a strong visual element that could enhance the atmosphere. Describing the surroundings, such as the dimly lit back road or the sounds of the motorcycle, could help immerse the audience in the moment and heighten the tension.
  • The pacing of the scene feels slightly off. The transition from the urgency of being followed to a casual conversation about spending the night feels abrupt. A brief moment of silence or tension before the dialogue could help bridge this gap and maintain the suspense.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more subtext into the dialogue to reflect the underlying tension of the situation. For example, Rance could express concern for his wife's safety while also trying to maintain a professional demeanor.
  • Revise Rance's clarification about his marriage to be more subtle. Instead of stating it outright, he could express a sense of urgency or concern for his wife's safety, which would naturally imply his commitment without feeling forced.
  • Add a line or two for the Barfly that hints at her awareness of the danger they are in, which could create a more complex dynamic and make her character feel more fleshed out.
  • Enhance the visual elements of the scene by describing the environment more vividly. Consider adding sensory details like the sound of the motorcycle engine or the darkness of the back road to create a more immersive experience.
  • Adjust the pacing by including a moment of tension or silence before the dialogue begins. This could help maintain the urgency of the situation and make the transition to the conversation feel more natural.



Scene 37 -  A Call for Urgency
INT/EXT. RANCE’S CAR - NIGHT

On the way home, Rance calls Emily.

RANCE
Babe, I want you to pack for a mini
vacation?

EMILY (V.O.)
What’s wrong? You sound worried.

RANCE
I’ll explain when I get home. Just
pack a few bags.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Rance drives home at night and calls his wife, Emily, urging her to pack for a mini vacation. Emily senses something is amiss and expresses her concern, but Rance reassures her that he will explain everything upon his arrival. The scene captures the tension and anxiety between them, as Rance keeps his worries hidden, leaving Emily in suspense.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Intrigue
  • Complexity of plot
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Limited character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension, introduces new plot elements, and advances the story while maintaining a sense of mystery and intrigue.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of investigating a mysterious explosion, potential cover-ups, and the involvement of various characters adds depth and complexity to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging, with multiple threads converging to create a sense of intrigue and danger, driving the story forward.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar scenario of a couple facing unexpected challenges, but the writer's original voice and subtle character dynamics add freshness and authenticity to the situation.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-defined, with distinct motivations and relationships that add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 6

While there are subtle shifts in character dynamics and motivations, the scene focuses more on advancing the plot than on significant character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Rance's internal goal is to protect Emily from whatever is causing him worry. This reflects his deep desire to keep her safe and happy.

External Goal: 7

Rance's external goal is to address the source of his worry and potentially resolve any issues that may be affecting their relationship.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict is high, with multiple characters facing threats, challenges, and moral dilemmas that drive the tension of the scene.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in this scene is subtle but effective, as Rance's cryptic behavior creates a sense of conflict and intrigue.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with characters facing threats to their safety, the potential exposure of dangerous secrets, and the need to uncover the truth before it's too late.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward, introducing new information, raising questions, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience is left wondering about the cause of Rance's worry and how it will impact the characters' relationship.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Rance's desire to shield Emily from harm and the potential truth or situation that is causing him worry. This challenges Rance's values of honesty and protection.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of urgency, concern, and suspense, engaging the audience emotionally in the characters' struggles.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys information, builds tension, and reveals character dynamics, although some exchanges could be more impactful.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the mystery surrounding Rance's request and the emotional stakes involved for the characters.

Pacing: 8

The pacing effectively builds suspense and maintains the audience's interest in the unfolding conversation between Rance and Emily.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to industry standards, making the scene easy to read and follow for potential collaborators.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-driven moment in a screenplay, effectively building tension and setting up future conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by having Rance call Emily while hinting at an underlying urgency. However, the dialogue feels somewhat abrupt and lacks emotional depth. Rance's request for a 'mini vacation' contrasts with the serious tone established in previous scenes, which may confuse the audience about the gravity of the situation.
  • Emily's immediate concern about Rance's tone is a good character moment, but it could be enhanced by adding more emotional stakes. For instance, if Rance provided a hint of what was troubling him, it would create a stronger connection between the characters and heighten the tension.
  • The scene lacks visual elements that could enhance the storytelling. Describing Rance's surroundings or his physical state (e.g., gripping the steering wheel, glancing nervously in the rearview mirror) could add layers to the scene and reflect his anxiety.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one feels a bit jarring. The last lines of the previous scene focus on Rance's commitment to his marriage, which is a lighter moment, while this scene shifts to a more serious tone. A smoother transition could help maintain narrative flow.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line or two from Rance that hints at the danger he is in or what he fears might happen, which would create a sense of urgency and intrigue for the audience.
  • Incorporate more physicality into Rance's actions during the call. For example, describe him fidgeting with the phone or glancing around nervously, which would visually convey his anxiety.
  • Enhance Emily's response to reflect her personality more deeply. Perhaps she could express a specific worry or memory that relates to their past, making her concern feel more personal and relatable.
  • To improve the transition between scenes, consider adding a brief moment of reflection for Rance before he makes the call, allowing the audience to feel his internal struggle and the weight of the situation.



Scene 38 -  A Night of Tension and Tenderness
INT. GALLO HOUSE - NIGHT

Rance walks into the foyer followed by his two “friends.” He
hugs Emily, then pours wine for himself and Scotch for the
two who drove him home.

Rance sits on the end of the sofa and sips his drink. Emily
sits next to him. She kisses his cheek and whispers.
41


EMILY
You didn’t tell me you were
bringing guests.

RANCE
I didn’t plan on it, but I was
followed again.

Emily sits up straight, a startled look on her face.

EMILY
A cop?

RANCE
I don’t know, but I want you to go
somewhere to be safe.

EMILY
You’re the one in danger.

RANCE
There are a lot of things going on
that make me nervous, and I don’t
understand it yet. I’ll feel better
if I know you’re safe.
Emily holds his hands and squeezes.

EMILY
Is this about that UFO stuff?

RANCE
Don’t ask. Just take the car and
go. I don’t even want to know where
you’re going. And don’t use your
phone under any circumstances.

He hands her a small burner phone.

RANCE (CONT’D)
If you need a phone, use this.

Emily shakes her head and has a determined look on her face.

EMILY
I’m not leaving. I can handle
myself; I’m more worried about you.

Rance hugs her tightly and kisses her.

RANCE
Come on, babe.
42


Emily purses her lips and shakes her head, but Rance stops
her with a kiss on the lips. Then he pulls away and stares
into her eyes.

RANCE (CONT’D)
Do it for me. Please?

Emily’s mouth curves up slightly.

EMILY
If you die . . .

Rance laughs and hugs her again.

RANCE
If I die, you won’t be able to say
I told you so.
Emily reluctantly packs her suitcase and heads toward the
door. She stops and kisses Rance on the cheek.

EMILY
I’ll call when —

Rance raises his voice.

RANCE
Don’t call anyone. I’ll get word to
you when it’s safe.

EMILY
You’re scaring me, Rance.

Rance hugs her and pats her back.

RANCE
I understand. I don’t believe this
nonsense, but it’s smart to be
scared. Just remember, if you feel
threatened, get to where a lot of
people are.


INTERCUT BIG BEND OBSERVATORY/GALLO HOUSE — NIGHT

Rance sits on the edge of the table and dials the phone.

RANCE
Roddy, what’s up, buddy? You called
earlier.

Roddy loads his briefcase as he talks to Rance.
43

RODDY
I called to talk, but we can’t do
it on the phone. Where can we meet?

RANCE
(a pause)
When do you need to do this, Roddy,
cause my plate is full. Hell, it’s
overflowing.

Roddy finishes packing his briefcase, and then he puts files,
folders, and a hard drive into a large canvas bag.

RODDY
It’s important, Rance. It’s damn
important.

RANCE
It better be.

RODDY
You know I wouldn’t ask if it
wasn’t.
RANCE
All right. San Antonio is about
halfway between us. Let’s meet at
the Embassy Suites by the airport.

RODDY
If the flights are on schedule, I
can be there by nine A.M.

RANCE
See you at the restaurant.

END OF INTERCUT

Rance looks to the Barfly and her friend.
RANCE (CONT’D)
I need you to drive me to the
airport at four A.M.

BARFLY
Four A.M. will cost you extra. A
lot extra.

RANCE
I know. I know. But you realize
this is breaking me. This is my
money, not the paper’s.
44


Rance reaches into his pocket and pulls out two hundred-
dollar bills. He hands one each to Barfly and her friend.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Rance returns home with friends, expressing concern about being followed and urging Emily to leave for her safety. Despite his warnings, Emily refuses, prioritizing Rance's well-being over her own. Their emotional bond deepens as they share a tender moment before she reluctantly begins to pack. Meanwhile, Rance speaks with Roddy about an urgent meeting, highlighting the seriousness of his situation, and arranges for a ride to the airport, showcasing his desperation amidst the escalating danger.
Strengths
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • Effective tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise
  • Repetitive use of protective themes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and showcases Rance's emotional turmoil and determination to protect his loved ones. It keeps the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding mystery.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a husband trying to protect his wife from unknown threats adds depth to the narrative and enhances the suspense. It also sets up future developments in the story.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Rance takes steps to ensure Emily's safety and sets up a crucial meeting. It adds layers to the overarching mystery and raises the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the thriller genre by combining domestic drama with elements of conspiracy and danger. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and grounded in the context of the story.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Rance's protective nature and Emily's determination create compelling character dynamics. Their interactions reveal their depth and add emotional resonance to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Rance's character evolves as he grapples with the challenges of protecting his wife and navigating dangerous situations. Emily also shows resilience and strength in the face of adversity.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect his loved ones and navigate the dangerous situation he finds himself in. This reflects his deeper need for security and control in the face of uncertainty.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to ensure the safety of his girlfriend by sending her away to a secure location. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with potential threats and unknown dangers.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict arises from the unknown threats Rance faces and his efforts to keep Emily safe. It creates suspense and drives the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing external threats and internal conflicts that challenge his beliefs and decisions, creating uncertainty and tension for the audience.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes involve the safety of Rance and Emily, the mysterious threats they face, and the potential dangers lurking in the background. The scene heightens the tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the mystery, raising the stakes, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions. It propels the narrative towards new developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unknown threats and dangers that the characters face, as well as the unexpected twists in their interactions and decisions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's skepticism towards the UFO phenomenon and his practical approach to dealing with the situation, contrasting with his girlfriend's concern and willingness to believe in the danger.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly regarding Rance's protective instincts and Emily's determination. It resonates with the audience and enhances the character development.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations. It enhances the tension and builds the relationship between Rance and Emily.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its mix of suspense, emotion, and mystery that keeps the audience invested in the characters' fates and the unfolding plot.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a balance of dialogue and action that keeps the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for a screenplay in the thriller genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful thriller, with a clear setup of the conflict, rising tension, and a cliffhanger ending that propels the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension and urgency, showcasing Rance's protective instincts towards Emily. However, the dialogue could be tightened to enhance the emotional stakes. For instance, Rance's insistence on Emily leaving feels somewhat repetitive and could be streamlined to maintain the scene's pace.
  • The intercutting between Rance and Roddy adds a layer of complexity, but it may benefit from clearer transitions. The shift from the personal stakes with Emily to the professional urgency with Roddy could be more pronounced to avoid confusion for the audience.
  • Emily's character is portrayed as strong and independent, which is commendable. However, her determination to stay could be more deeply explored. Adding a line or two that reflects her past experiences or motivations for wanting to stay could enrich her character and make her decision more impactful.
  • The use of the burner phone is a clever plot device, but it could be introduced with more context. Rance's explanation of its importance could be more explicit to ensure the audience understands the gravity of the situation.
  • The humor in Rance's dialogue, particularly when he jokes about dying, provides a nice contrast to the tension. However, the balance between humor and seriousness could be adjusted to ensure that the stakes remain high throughout the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the dialogue to eliminate redundancy, particularly in Rance's insistence that Emily leave. This will help maintain the scene's momentum.
  • Enhance the transitions between the intercut scenes to clarify the shift in focus from personal to professional stakes, ensuring the audience can easily follow the narrative.
  • Deepen Emily's character by adding a line that reflects her motivations for wanting to stay, which will make her decision more relatable and impactful.
  • Provide more context around the burner phone, perhaps through a brief explanation from Rance about why it's necessary, to emphasize the seriousness of the situation.
  • Adjust the balance of humor and tension to ensure that the stakes remain high, perhaps by limiting the jokes to moments that feel organic and appropriate within the context of the scene.



Scene 39 -  A Toast to the Unknown
INT. EMBASSY SUITES HOTEL - RESTAURANT - DAY

Roddy glances suspiciously from side to side as he walks to
where Rance sits. Rance stands and extends his hand.

RANCE
Been a long time, Roddy.

Roddy glances at the entrance to the restaurant and then back
to Rance.

The waitress comes to the table and tells them of the
specials, and then Roddy orders.

RODDY
(looking at the menu)
I’ll have eggs Benedict, two cups
of coffee, and two shots of
tequila.

RANCE
Hungry? Or should I say thirsty?

RODDY
I need the tequila to cut through
the bull — while I still have the
courage to do so.

RANCE
The courage? What happened to the
West Philly guy I grew up with? The
one who jumped off the bridge into
the Schuylkill River.
(a beat)
And you couldn’t swim!

RODDY
That was different. This takes a
different kind of courage. And
you’re the only one I trust;
besides, I’m scared shitless.
Remember back home when we were
prepping to fight the Southside
Boys? Remember how scared we were?

RANCE
Like it was yesterday.
(a beat)
I had to toss my underwear after
that.
45


RODDY
That’s how I feel now, only worse.

RANCE
All right. I’ll shut up and listen.

RODDY
Fine, but first I need you to lean
forward and let me shine this light
in your eyes.

RANCE
What the hell for?

RODDY
If you’re an alien, the light will
cause your eyes to glow. It’s the
easiest way to tell.

RANCE
If I’m an alien? Christ’s sake,
it’s me. You’ve known me since we
were kids.

RODDY
I know, but the aliens can take
over a body and make themselves
look identical to the person.

RANCE
And how the hell do you know this?

Roddy fidgets in his seat and continually moves his
silverware, repositioning each piece.

RODDY
Years ago, I spoke to Mark Jackson,
the authority on aliens — if there
is such a thing. He told me the
first wave of aliens came in the
70s, and he said more would follow.
Jackson also said that on the next
wave, they’d begin their takeover.
(a beat)
I think this may be the next wave,
and that’s why I’ve had two shots
of tequila.
(a beat)
I saw a UFO — a goddamn UFO! I was
watching the blips on the screen
when I noticed some of them looked
larger, and they acted weird.
46


RANCE
Weird how?

Roddy uses hand gestures to show the meteors heading toward
Earth, then he uses the spoon to indicate something branching
off in another direction.

RODDY
They veered off in different
directions, which is odd enough,
but then they just disappeared. And
it’s not like they burned up in the
atmosphere or struck the earth;
they were far too high for that.

RANCE
So you think these were genuine
UFOs?

RODDY
I can’t swear to it, but all the
signs are there.
(a beat)
This is no shit, Rance. I’m telling
you because you’re in a position to
do something.

Rance chuckles and wipes his mouth on a napkin.

RANCE
If this were anyone else, I’d say
you were full of shit, but because
it’s you, and because things have
happened recently to make me
wonder, I’ll look into it.

Roddy leans forward and whispers.

RODDY
Meteors do not change directions by
themselves.

Rance sits back in his chair.

RANCE
You got any ideas about what
happened after they landed?

RODDY
None, but give me a couple more
shots and I might.

Roddy downs the last of his tequila and laughs.
47


RODDY (CONT’D)
All kidding aside. They vanished.
Disappeared as if they were never
there. I thought nothing of it
until I heard your reports about
sightings and other odd events.

RANCE
And you’re sure they're UFOs?

Roddy lowers his head and casually glances around.

RODDY
As sure as I can be. And I know
they weren't meteors.

RANCE
Even if I agree to help, it’ll be
difficult to convince people.

RODDY
I know, and it won't get easier,
which is why you need help from
Jackson. No one alive knows more
about aliens than he does.

RANCE
All right, you’ve convinced me.
Now, tell me where to find this
guy?

Roddy sits up straight and turns side to side, then he leans
close to Rance and whispers.

RODDY
Last I checked, he was in San
Francisco, but you can't call him.
And he's paranoid about them
watching. You have to write to him
at a P.O. Box.

Roddy writes an address on a slip of paper and hands it to
Rance who looks at the address and puts it in his pocket.

RANCE
Anything else I need to know?

RODDY
After you write, and if he’s
willing to meet you, he’ll get in
touch. Tell him I sent you.

RANCE
How about —?
48


Roddy shakes his head and sets a few bills on the table.

RODDY
Save your questions for Jackson.

Rance fidgets with his silverware and wrings his hands.

RANCE
All right, I'm heading out. The
sooner I can get on this, the
better.

Roddy gulps the last of his water and stands.

RODDY
I'm right behind you. And remember
to watch your back.

As they walk toward the entrance, Roddy nudges Rance.

RODDY (CONT’D)
I'm taking the shuttle bus to
Avis's lot. You should take
Enterprise.

Rance stares.

RANCE
I flew here.

RODDY
I did too, which makes all the more
sense to drive back; besides, I'm
not going back to El Paso, but I’ll
call you when I’m safe.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In the Embassy Suites Hotel restaurant, Roddy meets Rance to discuss his alarming belief that he has witnessed UFOs and fears an alien invasion. Over eggs Benedict and tequila, Roddy expresses his anxiety and shares insights from an expert, Mark Jackson. Initially skeptical, Rance becomes intrigued and agrees to investigate further after Roddy emphasizes the seriousness of his claims. The scene blends tension with humor as Roddy nervously fidgets and suggests Rance might be an alien, ultimately ending with Roddy cautioning Rance as they leave.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Intriguing concept of alien conspiracy
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Building tension and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Limited visual elements
  • Reliance on exposition in dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through the conversation between Rance and Roddy, setting up a compelling mystery and introducing high stakes. The dialogue is engaging and the concept of alien infiltration adds depth to the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of alien infiltration and UFO sightings adds a unique and intriguing element to the scene, setting up a larger conspiracy plotline that promises to drive the story forward. The introduction of Mark Jackson as an expert on aliens adds credibility to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is focused on introducing the alien conspiracy plotline and establishing the stakes for the characters involved. The revelation of UFO sightings and the need for caution in investigating them sets up a compelling narrative arc.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the sci-fi genre by combining elements of mystery, conspiracy, and personal relationships. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth to the narrative, making the UFO storyline feel grounded and compelling.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Rance and Roddy are well-developed in the scene, with distinct personalities and motivations. Their dynamic and shared history add depth to their interactions, driving the plot forward.

Character Changes: 7

Rance experiences a shift in perspective as he grapples with the idea of alien infiltration and the need for caution in investigating UFO sightings. His willingness to investigate further indicates a potential change in his beliefs and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

Roddy's internal goal is to convince Rance of the existence of UFOs and aliens, seeking validation and support for his beliefs. This reflects his need for reassurance and confirmation of his experiences, as well as his fear of being dismissed or ridiculed.

External Goal: 7

Roddy's external goal is to persuade Rance to investigate the UFO sightings and seek help from an expert on aliens. This reflects his immediate challenge of getting someone in a position of authority to take his claims seriously and take action.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Rance grapples with the revelation of UFO sightings and the need for caution in investigating them. The tension between skepticism and belief drives the conflict forward.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Rance's skepticism and reluctance to believe in UFOs create a barrier to Roddy's goals. The uncertainty and doubt surrounding the UFO sightings add complexity and challenge to the characters' interactions, creating conflict and tension.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes in the scene are high, as the characters grapple with the implications of alien infiltration and the need for caution in investigating UFO sightings. The potential threat posed by extraterrestrial forces adds urgency and danger to the narrative.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing the alien conspiracy plotline and establishing the stakes for the characters involved. The revelation of UFO sightings sets up a larger narrative arc that promises to drive the plot forward.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected topic of UFO sightings and alien takeovers, which adds a layer of mystery and intrigue to the conversation. The characters' conflicting beliefs and motivations create uncertainty and tension, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around belief in the unknown and the willingness to entertain unconventional ideas. Roddy's belief in UFOs and aliens challenges Rance's skepticism and rationality, forcing him to consider possibilities beyond his comfort zone.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of anxiety, curiosity, and fear through the revelation of UFO sightings and the implications of alien infiltration. The emotional impact is heightened by the shared history and camaraderie between Rance and Roddy.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene is engaging and serves to build tension and intrigue. The conversations between Rance and Roddy reveal important information about the alien conspiracy plotline while showcasing their relationship and history.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of suspense, humor, and character dynamics. The dialogue-driven exchange between Roddy and Rance keeps the audience invested in the unfolding mystery and builds anticipation for future developments.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a gradual escalation of conflict and revelation. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions keeps the audience engaged and maintains a sense of urgency and intrigue.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions and action lines are concise and effective, enhancing the reader's understanding of the setting and character interactions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dialogue-driven sequence, with clear character motivations and progression. The pacing and rhythm of the conversation contribute to its effectiveness, building tension and intrigue.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes tension and urgency through Roddy's anxious demeanor and the context of their conversation about UFOs. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to enhance the emotional stakes. Roddy's fear of an alien takeover is compelling, but the scene could explore deeper layers of his character, perhaps by revealing personal stakes or past traumas related to his fears.
  • The humor in the dialogue, particularly Rance's recollection of their childhood, adds a nice touch of levity, but it risks undermining the gravity of Roddy's concerns. Balancing humor with the seriousness of the situation is crucial; consider whether the jokes serve the scene's overall tone or detract from it.
  • Roddy's tequila consumption is a clever device to illustrate his anxiety, but it could be more visually represented. Instead of just stating he orders tequila, consider showing him fidgeting with the glass or taking a moment to breathe deeply before downing it, which would visually reinforce his nervousness.
  • The exposition regarding Mark Jackson and the history of alien encounters feels a bit heavy-handed. While it's important to convey this information, it could be woven into the dialogue more naturally. Perhaps Rance could ask questions that lead Roddy to reveal this information organically, rather than stating it outright.
  • The scene ends with a clear setup for future action, but it could benefit from a stronger emotional hook. As Rance prepares to leave, consider adding a moment of hesitation or a look of concern that emphasizes the weight of what they are discussing, leaving the audience with a lingering sense of dread.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more physical actions and reactions from Roddy to visually convey his anxiety, such as tapping his foot or glancing around the restaurant more frequently.
  • Consider adding a moment where Rance reflects on his own fears or doubts about the situation, creating a parallel between him and Roddy that deepens their connection.
  • Use subtext in the dialogue to hint at deeper issues, such as Roddy's past experiences or Rance's skepticism, rather than having them state their feelings directly.
  • Introduce a minor conflict or distraction during their conversation, such as an eavesdropping diner or an unexpected interruption, to heighten the tension and urgency of their discussion.
  • End the scene with a more dramatic visual or auditory cue, such as a sudden noise or a shadow passing by, to leave the audience with a sense of foreboding as they exit the restaurant.



Scene 40 -  Skepticism on the Road
EXT. ENTERPRISE RENTAL CAR LOT - DAY

Rance stands in line to rent a car, and when it's his turn,
he gets a one-way rental to Dallas. Rance drives the car from
the lot, but he only gets a few miles away when his burner
phone rings.

RANCE
Roddy, what’s up? You forget
something?

RODDY (V.O.)
I got a sense you didn’t fully
believe me, and I don’t blame you,
but this shit is real. UFOs have
arrived, and if we don’t stop them
soon ...
49


RANCE
(sighs)
Look, Roddy . . .

RODDY (V.O.)
I didn’t expect you to buy into
this right away but even if you
don’t, write to Jackson. Maybe you
can make it into a story — you
know, one of those ‘whatever
happened to...’ and use Jackson as
the centerpiece.

RANCE
(laughs)
Good idea. I’ll think about it.

RODDY (V.O.)
Do it, Rance. Talk to Jackson.

RANCE
I will, buddy. Count on it.

Rance enters the freeway and heads toward Dallas.
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Thriller"]

Summary Rance stands in line at an Enterprise rental car lot, ultimately renting a car for a one-way trip to Dallas. During his drive, he receives a call from Roddy, who passionately insists that UFOs have arrived and urges Rance to write a story about it, suggesting Jackson as the focus. Rance humorously responds with skepticism but agrees to consider Roddy's idea. The scene captures Rance's transition from doubt to a journey toward Dallas, ending with him entering the freeway.
Strengths
  • Introduction of UFO plotline
  • Maintaining suspense and intrigue
  • Setting up future developments
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth in character interactions
  • Potential lack of foreshadowing for UFO element

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces a new plot element, maintains suspense, and sets up future developments. The addition of UFOs adds an intriguing twist to the story.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of introducing UFOs and alien invasion adds depth and complexity to the story, expanding the narrative beyond the initial missing person investigation.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of the UFO element, creating new layers of intrigue and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The introduction of UFOs in a mundane setting adds a fresh and unexpected twist to the scene. The authenticity of the characters' dialogue and reactions enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Rance's willingness to investigate the UFO claims showcases his open-mindedness and determination. Roddy's insistence on the seriousness of the situation adds depth to his character.

Character Changes: 6

Rance's willingness to consider investigating UFOs represents a subtle shift in his character, showing his adaptability and open-mindedness.

Internal Goal: 8

Rance's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the idea of UFOs and potentially turning it into a story. This reflects his curiosity and creativity, as well as his willingness to explore new and unconventional ideas.

External Goal: 7

Rance's external goal is to drive to Dallas, as indicated by his one-way rental. The introduction of the UFO concept adds a new layer to his external goal, potentially leading him on a different path.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Rance grapples with the idea of investigating UFOs and the potential implications of such a discovery.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create tension and conflict, particularly in Rance's internal struggle to believe in the UFOs and potentially change his course of action.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised with the introduction of UFOs, hinting at larger threats and conspiracies that could impact the characters and the world they inhabit.

Story Forward: 8

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new plot element and setting up future investigations and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected introduction of UFOs and the potential shift in Rance's journey, leaving the audience curious about what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around belief in the unknown and the willingness to explore new possibilities. Rance's skepticism towards Roddy's claims contrasts with Roddy's conviction, challenging Rance's worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene evokes a sense of anxiety and concern through Rance's reaction to the UFO revelation, setting the stage for future emotional developments.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between Rance and Roddy effectively conveys the urgency and mystery of the UFO revelation, setting up future interactions and investigations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of mystery, humor, and character dynamics, keeping the audience intrigued and invested in the unfolding story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue and action that maintains the audience's interest and drives the story forward effectively.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre and effectively conveying the dialogue and action.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup, conflict, and resolution, effectively advancing the narrative and character development.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures Rance's skepticism and Roddy's urgency regarding the UFO situation, which helps to maintain tension and intrigue. However, the dialogue could benefit from more emotional depth to convey Rance's internal conflict about believing Roddy's claims.
  • The transition from the previous scene to this one feels somewhat abrupt. While it is clear that Rance is moving forward with his investigation, a brief moment of reflection or hesitation could enhance the emotional stakes and show Rance grappling with the gravity of the situation.
  • Rance's character is established as somewhat humorous and skeptical, but the humor in his response to Roddy's claims could be dialed back slightly to maintain the seriousness of the impending threat. Balancing humor with tension is crucial in this context.
  • The visual elements of the scene are minimal. Describing the setting of the rental car lot and Rance's demeanor while waiting in line could add more texture to the scene. For example, mentioning the weather, the hustle and bustle of the rental lot, or Rance's body language could enhance the atmosphere.
  • The dialogue feels a bit expository, particularly Roddy's lines. While it's important to convey the urgency of the situation, finding a way to show rather than tell could make the conversation feel more natural and engaging.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of hesitation or reflection for Rance before he answers Roddy's call, which could deepen his character and show the weight of the situation he is facing.
  • Incorporate more visual details about the rental car lot and Rance's surroundings to create a more immersive experience for the audience.
  • Revise Roddy's dialogue to be less expository and more conversational. Perhaps he could share a specific detail or experience that makes him believe in the UFOs, which would make his urgency feel more personal and relatable.
  • Balance the humor in Rance's responses with the seriousness of the situation. This could involve adjusting his tone to reflect more concern or urgency as he processes Roddy's claims.
  • Consider ending the scene with a stronger visual or emotional beat, such as Rance's expression as he drives onto the freeway, to leave the audience with a sense of foreboding or anticipation.



Scene 41 -  A Smooth Rental Transaction
EXT. AVIS RENTAL-CAR LOT - DAY

Roddy steps up to the counter and orders a rental.

RODDY
I need a compact, one-way to El
Paso.

The MAN behind the counter, MANNY (50, glasses, calm and
patient) pulls a set of keys off the board and hands them to
Roddy.

MANNY
Your car is 6-12, that’s aisle six,
number twelve.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Roddy approaches the Avis rental car counter to request a compact car for a one-way trip to El Paso. Manny, the calm attendant, retrieves the keys and directs Roddy to aisle six, number twelve, where his car is located. The scene captures a straightforward and routine interaction, ending with Roddy receiving the keys.
Strengths
  • Intriguing plot development
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Seamless introduction of new character and location
Weaknesses
  • Lack of immediate conflict
  • Limited emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces a new plot element and builds suspense with Roddy's revelation about UFOs. It keeps the audience engaged and curious about the direction of the story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of introducing UFO sightings and the potential alien takeover adds a new layer of complexity to the story, expanding the scope of the investigation.

Plot: 7

The plot is advanced by introducing the UFO element, creating new avenues for exploration and raising the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 3

The scene lacks originality as it follows a standard interaction at a rental car lot with no unique situations or fresh approaches.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The introduction of Roddy as a character with unique beliefs and insights adds depth to the story. His interaction with Rance hints at future developments.

Character Changes: 6

While there is no significant character change in this scene, the introduction of Roddy hints at potential transformations in the future.

Internal Goal: 8

Roddy's internal goal in this scene is to efficiently rent a car and continue his journey. This reflects his need for independence and self-sufficiency.

External Goal: 9

Roddy's external goal is to get a rental car to travel to El Paso. This reflects the immediate challenge of needing transportation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is no direct conflict in this scene, the introduction of the UFO element creates internal and external conflicts for the characters.

Opposition: 3

The opposition in this scene is minimal, as Roddy faces no significant obstacles in renting the car.

High Stakes: 7

The revelation of UFO sightings and the impending alien takeover raises the stakes for the characters and adds urgency to the investigation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new plot element and setting up future developments related to the UFO sightings.

Unpredictability: 2

This scene is predictable as it follows a standard interaction at a rental car lot with no unexpected twists.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a sense of curiosity and intrigue in the audience, setting the stage for future emotional developments.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and serves to build tension and intrigue. The conversation between Roddy and Rance is pivotal in setting up future plot points.

Engagement: 6

This scene is engaging because it moves the plot forward and provides necessary information for the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in conveying the efficiency of the rental process.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, adhering to industry standards.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-driven interaction in a screenplay.


Critique
  • The scene is very brief and lacks depth, which may not effectively convey the urgency or significance of Roddy's journey to El Paso. It feels more like a transition than a pivotal moment in the narrative.
  • The dialogue is functional but lacks emotional weight. Roddy's request for a rental car is straightforward, but it doesn't reveal much about his character or the stakes involved in his journey. Adding a line that reflects his anxiety or urgency could enhance the scene.
  • Manny, the attendant, is introduced but does not contribute much to the scene. While he serves a practical purpose, he could be developed further to add texture to the interaction. Perhaps he could express concern or curiosity about Roddy's destination, hinting at the larger conflict.
  • The setting is underutilized. The Avis rental lot could be described in a way that reflects Roddy's mental state or the overall atmosphere of tension in the story. For example, mentioning the weather, other customers, or the sounds of the city could create a more immersive experience.
  • The scene lacks a clear emotional arc or conflict. While Roddy is taking action by renting a car, the stakes of this action are not fully articulated. What does this journey mean for him? Is he fleeing, investigating, or seeking answers? Clarifying this could enhance the scene's impact.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line of dialogue from Roddy that expresses his anxiety or urgency about the situation, such as a hint at why he needs to get to El Paso quickly.
  • Develop Manny's character slightly by having him ask Roddy a question or make a comment that reflects the tension of the situation, which could also serve to highlight Roddy's state of mind.
  • Enhance the setting description to create a more vivid picture of the rental car lot. Include sensory details that reflect Roddy's emotional state, such as the heat of the sun, the noise of traffic, or the hustle of other customers.
  • Introduce a moment of hesitation or reflection for Roddy before he makes the rental request, which could provide insight into his character and the gravity of his situation.
  • Consider ending the scene with a visual or auditory cue that foreshadows the impending danger or urgency of Roddy's mission, such as the sound of sirens in the distance or a glimpse of something unusual happening in the lot.



Scene 42 -  Roadblock Tension
INT. RENTAL CAR - DAY

Roddy starts the engine and revs it up. He checks the map and
then pulls onto I-10 heading west.


INT/EXT. RODDY’S RENTAL CAR - 1-10 - NIGHT

Roddy drives at a steady pace of sixty mph, heading west on I-
10. He passes a road sign:
50


INSERT: EL PASO - 150 MILES.

Fifty miles east of El Paso, flashing lights reflect in
Roddy's rearview mirror. He reluctantly pulls to the shoulder
of the road, opens the glove compartment, retrieves a gun,
and puts it under his leg.

FIRST COP (30s, cowboy hat, uniform, stern demeanor)
approaches the car carrying a clipboard. He taps on the
driver’s side window.

Roddy rolls the window partially down.

RODDY
What’s the problem, Officer?

FIRST COP
Routine check. You looked to be
swerving across lanes back there.

Roddy hands him the documents, and then places his hands on
his lap. The cop examines the documents and hands them back.

FIRST COP (CONT’D)
All right, sir. You’re free to go,
but be more cautious. And drive
safely.

The cop drives off. After the car is out of sight, Roddy puts
the gun away, puts his car in gear, turns, and heads south.

As he navigates a long bend in the road, he sees several
vehicles blocking the road, lights flashing. He brings the
car to a stop fifty or sixty feet in front of the roadblock.

SECOND COP (30s, tall, uniformed) approaches Roddy’s car,
clipboard in hand.

Roddy leans over to get his gun, but the cop hollered at him.

SECOND COP
Sit still, sir. Hands on the
steering wheel.

The cop walked up to the driver’s side window.

SECOND COP (CONT’D)
License and registration, please?

Roddy leans his head back and stares, then he removes the
papers from the glove department and hands them over.
51


RODDY
Officer, I just went through this a
few miles back with another cop.

SECOND COP
And now you have to do it again.

The officer examines the papers and then steps back from the
car and places a hand on his weapon.

SECOND COP (CONT’D)
Would you mind stepping out of the
vehicle, sir?

RODDY
What for? What did I do?

SECOND COP
We just need to check out a few
things. Now if you don’t mind
getting in the back seat of my car.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Roddy drives west on I-10 towards El Paso when he is pulled over by a first cop for a routine check. After verifying his documents, he is allowed to continue, but soon encounters a roadblock where a second cop demands his license and insists he exit the vehicle for further checks. Confused and anxious, Roddy protests, feeling increasingly threatened as the situation escalates, ending with the second cop ordering him out of the car.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Predictable outcome

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively creates a tense and suspenseful atmosphere, keeping the audience engaged and on edge. The use of multiple police encounters and the introduction of a gun heighten the stakes and add complexity to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a character facing multiple police encounters while driving at night is intriguing and effectively executed in the scene. The use of a gun adds a layer of danger and uncertainty, keeping the audience on edge.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around Roddy's encounters with the police while driving at night, creating tension and suspense. The progression of events is engaging and keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a familiar situation of a police stop on a highway, but adds a unique twist with the presence of a gun and Roddy's attempts to evade the police. The dialogue and actions of the characters feel authentic and contribute to the tension of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Roddy is the central character in the scene, facing escalating challenges as he encounters multiple police officers. The officers add to the tension and suspense, but their characters are not deeply explored.

Character Changes: 6

Roddy experiences a shift in his perception of authority and trust as he navigates the multiple police encounters. The threat of the gun and the escalating conflict force him to adapt and make decisions under pressure.

Internal Goal: 8

Roddy's internal goal in this scene is to avoid getting caught by the police and to protect himself. This reflects his fear of being discovered and his desire to escape the situation without consequences.

External Goal: 7.5

Roddy's external goal is to evade the police roadblock and continue on his journey without being detained or arrested. This goal reflects the immediate challenge he is facing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with Roddy facing escalating challenges and threats from the police officers. The use of a gun and the uncertainty of the situation add to the conflict and keep the audience on edge.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the police officers presenting a significant obstacle for Roddy to overcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with Roddy facing multiple police encounters and the threat of a gun while driving at night. The uncertainty of the situation and the escalating conflict raise the stakes and create a sense of danger.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and obstacles for Roddy to overcome. The escalating tension and suspense drive the narrative towards a climactic moment, keeping the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because the audience is unsure of how Roddy will handle the situation with the police and whether he will be caught or escape.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between following the law and breaking it. Roddy must decide whether to comply with the police officers' requests or to resist and potentially face consequences for his actions.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, evoking feelings of fear, tension, and anxiety in the audience. The use of suspenseful elements and high stakes heighten the emotional intensity of the scene.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the tension and suspense of the situation, with interactions between Roddy and the police officers driving the narrative forward. The use of concise and impactful dialogue enhances the atmosphere.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it keeps the audience on edge with its suspenseful situation and fast-paced action.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the suspense of the encounter with the police.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical structure for a suspenseful encounter with law enforcement, building tension and conflict effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension as Roddy encounters two police officers, which heightens the stakes for his character. However, the transition from the first cop to the second cop could be smoother. The abrupt shift in tone from a routine check to a more aggressive approach by the second cop feels jarring and could benefit from a more gradual build-up.
  • Roddy's actions of retrieving the gun and then putting it away after the first cop leaves create a sense of paranoia, which is effective. However, the motivation behind his decision to carry a gun could be more explicitly stated earlier in the screenplay to enhance character depth and audience understanding.
  • The dialogue is functional but lacks subtext. The exchanges between Roddy and the cops feel somewhat flat and could be infused with more tension or character traits. For instance, the first cop could exhibit a more authoritative demeanor, while the second cop could show signs of suspicion or aggression that hint at a deeper agenda.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but the description of Roddy's actions could be more dynamic. Instead of simply stating what he does, consider using more active language to convey his emotional state and urgency. For example, instead of 'Roddy drives at a steady pace of sixty mph,' you could describe his grip on the wheel tightening as he drives, reflecting his anxiety.
  • The visual elements are clear, but the scene could benefit from more sensory details. Describing the sounds of the police sirens, the feel of the night air, or the tension in Roddy's body as he interacts with the cops would enhance the immersive quality of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of internal conflict for Roddy as he decides to retrieve the gun. This could provide insight into his character and the stakes involved.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Roddy and the cops by incorporating subtext or tension. For example, the second cop could make a comment that hints at a larger conspiracy or threat, raising the stakes for Roddy.
  • Use more active language in the descriptions of Roddy's actions to create a sense of urgency and tension. Show his emotional state through his physical reactions.
  • Incorporate sensory details to create a more immersive experience for the audience. Describe the sounds, smells, and feelings in the environment to enhance the tension.
  • Consider foreshadowing the second cop's aggressive approach earlier in the scene to create a more cohesive narrative flow and build anticipation for Roddy's encounter.



Scene 43 -  Transformation in the Night
INT. POLICE CAR - NIGHT

Roddy gets in the car and Second Cop gets in alongside him,
holding a clipboard.

SECOND COP
I’m going to have to write you a
warning. There is no fine, but it
remains on file for ninety days.

Roddy smiles.

RODDY
Thank you, Officer. The last thing
I need is a ticket.

Second Cop hands the warning to Roddy, and then with his
other hand, he injects Roddy with a needle.

Roddy appears shocked, then he stares ahead and his eyes fix
in place.

The second cop gets out of the car, and an alien being takes
his place. The alien is tall, with an elongated face, nose,
and ears. And its eyes are vertical yellow slits.

The alien reaches for Roddy, but he remains fixed in place.
When the alien touches him, Roddy’s skin develops tiny cracks
that slowly spread across his face and then down his body.
Once the cracks reach his legs, they widen and then erupt
into smoldering skin exuding smoke from all over.
52


The smoke rises almost to the roof of the car, then floats
toward the alien’s body. The smoke circles the alien, then
slowly infuses into it. The alien molds into a replica of
Roddy, whose skin is now smooth, just like it was.

Roddy opens and closes his fists and stretches his neck from
side to side. The driver turns and looks at him.

DRIVER
Take it from me, getting used to a
new body takes time.

Roddy steps out of the car and taps the outside door of the
driver’s side, and then he walks back to the original Roddy’s
car. He gets in and sets the direction for El Paso.
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Thriller"]

Summary Roddy enters a police car expecting a warning but is shocked when the Second Cop injects him with a substance, rendering him immobilized. An alien replaces the cop, absorbs Roddy's essence, and transforms into a replica of him. After adjusting to his new body with advice from the driver, Roddy prepares to leave the car and heads back to his original vehicle, setting a course for El Paso.
Strengths
  • Intriguing concept
  • Effective execution of alien transformation
  • Building suspense and tension
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is well-executed, effectively building suspense and intrigue with the introduction of the alien transformation. It adds a new layer of complexity to the plot and leaves the audience wanting to know more.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of an alien taking over a human body is a unique and innovative twist that adds depth to the storyline. It introduces a new layer of conflict and raises the stakes for the characters.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced significantly with the introduction of the alien transformation, setting the stage for further developments and escalating the tension in the story.

Originality: 9

The level of originality in this scene is high, with a fresh approach to the theme of transformation and identity. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the uniqueness of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters in the scene are used to drive the plot forward and create suspense, but their development takes a backseat to the concept of the alien transformation.

Character Changes: 7

The transformation of Roddy into an alien replica marks a significant change in the character dynamics and sets the stage for further developments.

Internal Goal: 8

Roddy's internal goal in this scene is to survive the encounter with the alien being and understand what has happened to him. This reflects his deeper fear of the unknown and desire to regain control over his own body and identity.

External Goal: 7

Roddy's external goal in this scene is to escape the alien being and return to his original form. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces of being transformed against his will.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is heightened with the introduction of the alien transformation, raising the stakes for the characters and setting the stage for further developments.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the alien being presenting a difficult obstacle for Roddy to overcome, adding to the suspense and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes in the scene are evident with the introduction of the alien transformation, raising the tension and conflict to a new level.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new element of conflict and intrigue, setting the stage for further plot developments.

Unpredictability: 9

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden transformation of Roddy and the introduction of the alien being, creating a sense of mystery and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the idea of identity and transformation. Roddy's beliefs and values are challenged by the sudden change in his appearance and the loss of control over his own body.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of shock and foreboding, but the emotional impact could be further enhanced with deeper character development and dialogue.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the shock and tension of the moment, but it could be further developed to enhance the emotional impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of suspense, mystery, and unexpected twists that keep the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually and then delivering a shocking twist with the transformation of Roddy.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and dialogue that enhance the atmosphere.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for a blend of science fiction and suspense genres, effectively building tension and mystery.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by transitioning from a seemingly routine police encounter to a shocking and surreal transformation. The initial dialogue between Roddy and the Second Cop sets a false sense of security, which is abruptly shattered by the injection, creating a strong emotional impact.
  • The description of the alien's transformation into Roddy is visually striking and imaginative, but it could benefit from more sensory details to enhance the reader's immersion. For example, describing the sounds of the transformation or the sensations Roddy experiences as his skin cracks could deepen the reader's connection to the moment.
  • Roddy's reaction to the injection is appropriately shocked, but the scene could explore his internal thoughts or feelings more deeply. This would help the audience empathize with his plight and heighten the stakes of the situation. A brief internal monologue or a flash of memories could add depth to his character at this critical moment.
  • The dialogue from the DRIVER feels somewhat expository and could be rephrased to sound more natural. Instead of directly stating that getting used to a new body takes time, the driver could share a personal anecdote or a more casual remark that conveys the same information while maintaining the flow of the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally effective, but the transition from Roddy's shock to the alien's transformation could be smoother. Consider adding a brief moment of hesitation or confusion from Roddy before the alien touches him, which would enhance the suspense and make the transformation feel more abrupt and jarring.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more sensory details during the transformation to enhance the reader's experience, such as sounds, smells, or tactile sensations that Roddy might feel.
  • Explore Roddy's internal thoughts or feelings during the moment of shock to create a stronger emotional connection with the audience.
  • Revise the DRIVER's dialogue to make it feel more organic and less expository, perhaps by sharing a personal experience related to the transformation.
  • Consider adding a moment of hesitation or confusion from Roddy before the alien touches him to heighten the suspense and make the transformation feel more impactful.
  • Ensure that the visual descriptions of the alien and the transformation are vivid and clear, allowing the reader to easily visualize the scene and its implications.



Scene 44 -  Financial Tensions and Unrecognized Potential
INT. WWNEWS - DALLAS - DAY
Rance steps off the elevator and goes to the break room to
get coffee. He fills a styrofoam cup and walks to his desk.
On the way, he passes Cyndi.

CYNDI
Mr. Stryker would like to see you.


RJ’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Rance knocks and then enters RJ’s office.

RANCE
You wanted to see me, boss?

RJ STRYKER
We’re still bleeding money, Gallo.

Rance stares.

RANCE
I’m doing what I can, RJ.

RJ STRYKER
What about your trip to San
Antonio? And what about the
overtime? We’ve already spent more
than all of last year.

RANCE
Is it always about money, RJ?

RJ STRYKER
Only when it isn’t.
53

RANCE
Be careful, you’re starting to
sound like my father-in-law.

RJ laughs heartily as Rance heads for the door. He’s almost
there when he stops and turns.

RANCE (CONT’D)
RJ, we might have ourselves a home-
grown reporter. Cyndi has come
alive since this meteor shower mess
started. She’s showing more
interest and has a lot more spunk.
I think she’s ready for more
responsibility.

RJ STRYKER
No promotion yet, but you can give
her a better title; it’ll make her
feel good.
(a beat)
And no damn raise!
Genres: ["Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Rance Gallo meets with his boss, RJ Stryker, to discuss the company's financial struggles following Rance's recent trip. While RJ is focused on the monetary losses, Rance light-heartedly questions this obsession and advocates for colleague Cyndi's potential for greater responsibility. However, RJ only agrees to give her a better title without a raise, highlighting the ongoing conflict between financial constraints and employee recognition.
Strengths
  • Strong dialogue
  • Tension between characters
  • Introduction of new character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Some cliched dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up tension and conflict between Rance and RJ, providing insight into their dynamic and the challenges they face. The introduction of a potential promotion for Cyndi adds intrigue and hints at future developments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of workplace dynamics, financial pressures, and potential promotions is well-developed in the scene. It sets up future conflicts and character growth, adding layers to the overall story.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses by introducing the financial struggles at WWNews and hinting at potential changes in the workplace hierarchy. The scene sets up future conflicts and character arcs, moving the story forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on workplace dynamics, focusing on the balance between financial success and personal growth. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Rance and RJ are well-defined, with clear motivations and conflicts. The introduction of Cyndi adds a new dimension to the character dynamics, setting up potential growth and conflict.

Character Changes: 7

Rance and RJ both face challenges that could lead to character growth and change. The introduction of Cyndi hints at potential shifts in the workplace dynamic.

Internal Goal: 8

Rance's internal goal in this scene is to prove his worth and dedication to his boss, RJ Stryker. This reflects his desire for recognition and validation in his job.

External Goal: 7.5

Rance's external goal is to address the financial concerns raised by his boss and find a solution to the company's money issues.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Rance and RJ is central to the scene, driving the tension and setting up future confrontations. The financial pressures add an additional layer of conflict and stakes.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with RJ challenging Rance's decisions and pushing him to address the company's financial issues.

High Stakes: 7

The financial pressures and potential promotion add stakes to the scene, highlighting the importance of performance and advancement at WWNews.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key conflicts, character dynamics, and potential plot developments. It sets the stage for future events and reveals important information.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected humor and twists in the dialogue.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the value of financial success and personal fulfillment. RJ prioritizes money and efficiency, while Rance values personal growth and employee satisfaction.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The emotional impact is moderate, with a focus on tension and concern rather than deep emotional resonance. The scene sets up future emotional developments.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp and confrontational, reflecting the tension between Rance and RJ. It effectively conveys the financial pressures and character dynamics at play in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic character interactions and the high-stakes workplace setting.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a workplace drama, with clear character motivations and conflict driving the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes the tension between Rance and RJ Stryker regarding financial issues, which is a relatable conflict in many workplaces. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to deepen the characters' motivations and emotions. For instance, RJ's concerns about money could be tied to a larger narrative about the state of journalism or the impact of the alien threat on their operations.
  • Rance's character comes across as somewhat passive in this scene. While he defends his actions, he doesn't provide specific examples of what he's doing to address the financial issues. Adding a line or two about his recent investigative efforts or potential stories could make him appear more proactive and engaged.
  • The humor in Rance's comparison of RJ to his father-in-law is a nice touch, but it feels a bit forced. It might be more effective if this line were woven into a more natural flow of conversation, perhaps as a response to a specific comment RJ makes about the financial situation.
  • Cyndi's introduction in the scene is brief and lacks context. It would be beneficial to provide a little more background on her character or her recent contributions to the newsroom, which would make Rance's recommendation for her more impactful.
  • The ending of the scene feels abrupt. While it serves to highlight RJ's reluctance to promote Cyndi, it could be enhanced by showing Rance's reaction to this decision. This would provide a stronger emotional closure to the scene and set up potential future interactions between Rance and Cyndi.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line or two from Rance that highlights specific actions he is taking to address the financial concerns, which would demonstrate his commitment and competence as a reporter.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Rance and RJ by incorporating more subtext about their relationship and the pressures of the newsroom, which could add depth to their exchange.
  • Provide a brief moment for Cyndi to express her thoughts or feelings about her work, which would help establish her character and make Rance's recommendation feel more justified.
  • Rework the humor in Rance's line about his father-in-law to make it feel more organic to the conversation, perhaps by tying it to a specific comment RJ makes about the financial situation.
  • Add a closing moment that captures Rance's emotional response to RJ's decision about Cyndi, which would create a more satisfying conclusion to the scene and hint at future developments.



Scene 45 -  A Call to Caution
INT. RANCE’S OFFICE - DAY

Rance leans back in his chair when the phone rings.

RANCE
(frustrated and tired)
Who the hell is this?

AMANDA (V.O.)
(soft-spoken voice)
I’m Roddy’s supervisor.

Rance sits up straight.

RANCE
I just met with him.

AMANDA (V.O.)
Did he tell you about —?
RANCE
I’ll call on another line.

RANCE’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Rance closes his office door and dials.
54

RANCE
All right. What have you got?

AMANDA (V.O.)
First, I need to verify who you
are.

RANCE
I’ve known Roddy since we were
kids; we grew up in a housing
project in West Philadelphia. He
has a big scar across his gut from
a knife fight we had with a rival
gang.
AMANDA (V.O.)
Good enough, Mr. Gallo.
(pause)
I don’t know much, but I know Roddy
was frightened. I mean really
frightened.

Rance gets up and walks around.

RANCE
If Roddy is right, we’ve got a
bunch of aliens down here who are
planning something big. I don’t
know if I buy that completely, but
something’s going on.

AMANDA (V.O.)
I’ve got Roddy’s charts plotting
the trajectory of the meteors. You
want me to send it to you?

RANCE
No! Send it to Mario Pallini, care
of WWNEWS, NY. And let’s keep each
other up to speed; in fact, I’m
going to call Roddy, feel him out.


RANCE’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Rance dials the phone and leans back in the chair.

RANCE
Roddy? Is that you, you old shit?

RODDY (V.O.)
Who the hell else would it be?
55


RANCE
I just called to tell you, I’m
halfway convinced of your story. It
at least warrants checking out.
(a beat)
And besides, I can’t lose track of
my oldest friend — the one who
saved my life.

RODDY (V.O.)
One of us is getting old, buddy. I
don’t remember saving you.

RANCE
You better get a memory check.
Hell, I was saying prayers when you
grabbed my shirt. I’ll be in your
debt forever.

RODDY (V.O.)
I don’t know if I remember it the
same way, but if you feel you owe
me, I’ll make sure you pay that
debt, you newshound.
(a beat)
By the way, you plan on talking to
Jackson?

RANCE
I’ll write to him and hope it’s not
a wild goose chase.

RODDY (V.O.)
Don’t worry. Something will turn up
worth reporting on.

Rance hangs up and dials Amanda.

RANCE
Don’t trust Roddy.

AMANDA
What? Why not?

RANCE
I don’t know, maybe I’m being too
harsh, but something wasn’t right.
He didn’t say anything wrong, but
I’ve got a gut instinct.

AMANDA
A gut instinct is good enough for
me, at least for now. Thanks.
56
Genres: ["Thriller","Science Fiction","Mystery"]

Summary Rance receives a concerning call from Amanda about Roddy, who claims to have information on a potential alien threat. Initially skeptical, Rance reflects on their past and the debt he owes Roddy for saving his life. Despite their friendly banter, Rance's gut instinct leads him to distrust Roddy's claims. The scene unfolds in Rance's office, filled with tension and nostalgia, as he decides to investigate further while expressing his concerns to Amanda.
Strengths
  • Intriguing plot setup
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Mysterious tone
Weaknesses
  • Lack of significant character development
  • Some dialogue may be too expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and introduces a compelling mystery that keeps the audience engaged. The dialogue is intriguing and sets up a promising storyline.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of aliens and UFOs adds an exciting and mysterious element to the story, creating intrigue and setting up potential conflicts and revelations.

Plot: 8

The plot thickens with the introduction of the alien-related storyline, adding depth and complexity to the overall narrative. It sets the stage for future investigations and conflicts.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the sci-fi genre by blending elements of mystery and suspense with realistic character dynamics. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters show loyalty, concern, and skepticism, adding depth to their relationships and motivations. Their interactions hint at future developments and conflicts.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions hint at potential growth and development in the future.

Internal Goal: 8

Rance's internal goal in this scene is to navigate his loyalty to his friend Roddy while also trusting his instincts and investigating the potential alien threat. This reflects his deeper need for truth and justice, as well as his fear of being deceived or misled.

External Goal: 7.5

Rance's external goal is to uncover the truth behind the alien conspiracy and protect his friend Roddy. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in balancing his personal relationships with his professional responsibilities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between trust and skepticism, as well as the looming threat of alien invasion, adds tension and suspense to the scene.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and hidden agendas creating obstacles for the protagonist. The audience is left unsure of who to trust or what the outcome will be, adding suspense and intrigue to the narrative.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of potential alien invasion and the characters' trust and loyalty issues raise the tension and set the stage for future conflicts.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new plotline, setting up future investigations, conflicts, and revelations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters and the mysterious nature of the alien conspiracy. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of who to trust or what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around trust and intuition. Rance must decide whether to trust his gut instinct about Roddy or give him the benefit of the doubt. This challenges his beliefs in loyalty and skepticism.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes concern, curiosity, and skepticism, engaging the audience emotionally and setting up future emotional stakes.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging, with a good mix of tension, humor, and intrigue. It effectively conveys the characters' emotions and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, intriguing plot developments, and dynamic character interactions. The audience is drawn into the mystery and suspense of the alien conspiracy, eager to uncover the truth alongside the characters.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension throughout. The rapid-fire dialogue and scene transitions keep the audience engaged and invested in the unfolding mystery.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to industry standards, with proper scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions. This enhances the readability and flow of the screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear scene transitions and character interactions that drive the plot forward. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes tension and urgency through Rance's frustration and the mysterious nature of Roddy's claims. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to enhance the emotional stakes. Rance's skepticism about Roddy's story is clear, but exploring his internal conflict further could add depth.
  • The pacing of the scene feels a bit rushed, particularly in the transition from Rance's conversation with Amanda to his call with Roddy. A moment of reflection or hesitation from Rance could heighten the tension and allow the audience to feel his apprehension about the situation.
  • While the dialogue is generally engaging, some lines feel a bit on-the-nose, particularly Rance's exposition about his past with Roddy. Instead of stating their history directly, consider weaving in hints or references that allow the audience to infer their shared background, making the dialogue feel more natural.
  • The use of voiceover for Amanda is effective in creating a sense of distance and urgency, but it might be more impactful to show her in a brief visual moment, perhaps in a split-screen format, to emphasize the connection and stakes involved in their conversation.
  • Rance's gut instinct about Roddy adds an interesting layer of tension, but it could be more compelling if Rance's internal doubts were more pronounced. Perhaps include a moment where he reflects on past experiences that inform his distrust, making his instincts feel more justified.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of silence or a pause after Amanda reveals Roddy's fear to allow Rance's reaction to resonate more with the audience.
  • Incorporate more visual elements to convey Rance's emotional state, such as him pacing or fidgeting with objects on his desk, to enhance the tension of the scene.
  • Explore the possibility of including a brief flashback or memory that illustrates Rance's past with Roddy, which could serve to deepen their relationship and the stakes of the current situation.
  • Revise some of the dialogue to include more subtext, allowing characters to imply their feelings rather than stating them outright, which can create a more engaging and layered conversation.
  • Consider ending the scene with a stronger visual or emotional hook, such as Rance looking out the window with a worried expression, to leave the audience with a sense of foreboding about the impending alien threat.



Scene 46 -  Suspicion in the Night
INT. DON BRAXTON'S HOUSE - NIGHT

DON BRAXTON (50s, meticulous) peers out the side window at
the house next door. A light goes on in the kitchen and Don
picks up the phone.

FERNANDO ARGYLE (sheriff, 50, serious) answers.

FERNANDO ARGYLE (V.O.)
Sheriff Argyle. How may I help you?

DON BRAXTON
Fernando, this is Don Braxton.
There might be something funny
goin' on at the Gallo place. I saw
lights go on a few moments ago, but
when I called, no one answered.

FERNANDO ARGYLE (V.O.)
I'll send a unit over to check it
out. In the meantime, make sure you
lock your doors. And you might want
to load one of those .357s you like
to carry around.
Genres: ["Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Don Braxton, a meticulous man in his 50s, notices suspicious lights in the neighboring Gallo house and becomes concerned for his safety. After failing to reach the Gallo residence, he calls Sheriff Fernando Argyle, who reassures him that a unit will investigate the situation. The scene is tense as Don prepares for potential danger, locking his doors and arming himself, while the sheriff advises him to stay vigilant.
Strengths
  • Building suspense
  • Establishing mystery
  • Creating tension
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Minimal character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively establishes a tense and mysterious atmosphere, setting up potential conflict and raising the stakes for the characters involved.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a neighbor witnessing suspicious activity and contacting the sheriff adds depth to the storyline and introduces a new layer of intrigue.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses by introducing a potential threat or conflict, setting the stage for future developments and adding complexity to the narrative.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar scenario of a suspicious activity in a small town but adds a fresh perspective through the characters' interactions and the sense of community. The authenticity of the dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Don Braxton and Sheriff Argyle are well-defined and contribute to the tension and suspense of the scene.

Character Changes: 5

There is minimal character development in this scene, as the focus is more on establishing the mystery and setting up future events.

Internal Goal: 8

Don Braxton's internal goal in this scene is to ensure the safety of his neighbors and himself. This reflects his deeper need for security and protection.

External Goal: 7

Don Braxton's external goal is to investigate the suspicious activity at the Gallo place and ensure the safety of the neighborhood.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene arises from the mysterious activity observed by Don Braxton, creating a sense of tension and anticipation.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create a sense of danger and uncertainty, keeping the audience engaged.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are raised as Don Braxton observes suspicious activity next door, hinting at potential danger and conflict.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new potential threat or conflict, setting the stage for future plot developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a potential threat without revealing the outcome, leaving the audience in suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between the desire to maintain a sense of security and the potential threat of danger. Don Braxton's belief in protecting his community clashes with the uncertainty of the situation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene focuses more on building suspense and intrigue rather than emotional depth, but still manages to evoke a sense of concern and tension.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue between Don Braxton and Sheriff Argyle effectively conveys the sense of urgency and concern, adding depth to their characters.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it sets up a mystery and creates tension through the characters' actions and dialogue.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest through concise dialogue and clear action.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and character introductions.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful mystery genre, with a clear setup of the situation and the introduction of potential conflict.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes tension through Don Braxton's cautious behavior and his concern for the Gallo household. However, the dialogue feels somewhat expository and lacks a natural flow. The characters' motivations could be more clearly defined to enhance the stakes.
  • Don's character is introduced as meticulous, but the scene does not fully explore this trait. Adding a brief visual or action that showcases his meticulous nature could deepen the audience's understanding of him.
  • The dialogue between Don and Sheriff Argyle is functional but lacks emotional depth. The urgency of the situation could be heightened by incorporating more emotional stakes for Don, such as his relationship with the Gallos or past experiences that make him particularly vigilant.
  • The scene ends abruptly after the sheriff's response, which may leave the audience wanting more. A brief moment of reflection from Don after the call could provide insight into his feelings about the situation and build suspense for what is to come.
  • The setting is established, but there is little sensory detail to immerse the audience in the environment. Describing the sounds, smells, or atmosphere of the night could enhance the tension and create a more vivid scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line or two that reveals Don's personal connection to the Gallos, which would heighten the stakes and make his concern more relatable.
  • Incorporate a brief action that illustrates Don's meticulous nature, such as him checking his locks or adjusting the curtains before making the call.
  • Enhance the emotional weight of the dialogue by having Don express his fears or past experiences that make him particularly cautious, which would add depth to his character.
  • Include a moment of reflection for Don after the call, perhaps showing him pacing or glancing out the window again, to build suspense and give the audience insight into his state of mind.
  • Add sensory details to the setting, such as the sounds of the night or the feeling of unease in the air, to create a more immersive experience for the audience.



Scene 47 -  Urgent Wellness Check
INT. SHERIFF ARGYLE'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Fernando hangs up with Don and calls one of his patrol cars.

FERNANDO ARGYLE
Patrol Car Four, pick up.

OFFICER FULLER responds.

FULLER (V.O.)
Copy, chief. What's up?

FERNANDO ARGYLE
I need someone to do a wellness
check on the Gallo house, down off
Shadow Lane.

FULLER (V.O.)
We'll respond. We're only a couple
of minutes away.
57
Genres: ["Thriller","Sci-Fi","Mystery"]

Summary Sheriff Fernando Argyle, concerned for the Gallo family's well-being, calls Officer Fuller to request a wellness check at their home off Shadow Lane. Fuller acknowledges the request and confirms that a nearby patrol unit will respond shortly, highlighting the tense and urgent atmosphere of the scene set in Argyle's dimly lit office at night.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Intriguing plot development
  • Compelling introduction of alien threat
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue with the introduction of the alien threat, keeping the audience engaged and curious about what will happen next.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of an alien threat adds a new and intriguing layer to the overall story, expanding the scope of the narrative and introducing high stakes.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses significantly with the introduction of the alien threat, adding complexity and raising the stakes for the characters.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar law enforcement scenario but adds a twist with the mention of a wellness check, which adds depth to the character of Fernando and the town's dynamics.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters react realistically to the escalating situation, showing depth and complexity in their responses to the alien threat.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the characters' reactions to the alien threat hint at potential development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Fernando's internal goal is to ensure the safety and well-being of the residents in his town, reflecting his sense of duty and responsibility as a sheriff.

External Goal: 7

Fernando's external goal is to investigate a potential issue at the Gallo house, showing his commitment to upholding law and order in his jurisdiction.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is high, as the characters are faced with a potentially dangerous and mysterious situation that threatens their safety.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, as the wellness check introduces a potential obstacle or challenge for Fernando to overcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, as the characters are faced with a potentially life-threatening alien threat that could have far-reaching consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new and compelling plot element (alien threat) that will drive future events.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable because the nature of the wellness check could lead to unexpected discoveries or developments.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a potential philosophical conflict between the duty of law enforcement to protect and serve, and the privacy and autonomy of individuals in their homes. This conflict challenges Fernando's beliefs about the balance between safety and personal freedom.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of unease and tension, creating an emotional impact on the audience as they anticipate the unfolding of the alien threat.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and uncertainty surrounding the alien threat, adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it sets up a potential mystery or conflict that keeps the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest in the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting adheres to industry standards for a screenplay, making it easy to follow and visualize the action.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a crime drama genre, with clear character motivations and progression of the plot.


Critique
  • The scene is functional but lacks emotional depth. While it serves to advance the plot by sending a patrol car to check on the Gallo house, it doesn't explore the emotional stakes for Sheriff Argyle or Officer Fuller. Adding a line or two that reflects Argyle's concern for the Gallo family or his own feelings about the situation could enhance the tension.
  • The dialogue is straightforward but feels somewhat flat. The exchange between Argyle and Fuller could benefit from more character-specific language or subtext. For example, if Fuller has a reputation for being overly cautious or reckless, that could be reflected in his response.
  • The setting is established as Argyle's office, but there are no visual details that create a vivid picture for the audience. Describing the office environment—perhaps cluttered with case files or adorned with a family photo—could help ground the scene and make it more relatable.
  • The pacing of the scene is quick, which is appropriate for the urgency of the situation. However, it might be beneficial to slow down slightly to allow the audience to absorb the implications of the wellness check. A brief moment of hesitation or reflection from Argyle could add weight to the scene.
  • The scene ends abruptly after Fuller's response. A closing line from Argyle that hints at his worry or a sense of foreboding could create a stronger transition to the next scene, maintaining the tension and keeping the audience engaged.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate a line that reveals Argyle's personal feelings about the Gallo family or the situation, such as a past interaction that makes him particularly concerned.
  • Add character-specific dialogue that reflects the personalities of Argyle and Fuller, perhaps through humor, sarcasm, or a sense of urgency.
  • Include descriptive details about Argyle's office to create a more immersive setting, such as the lighting, decor, or any items that reflect his character.
  • Consider adding a moment of hesitation or contemplation from Argyle before he makes the call, emphasizing the seriousness of the situation.
  • End the scene with a line from Argyle that conveys his concern or a sense of impending danger, setting the tone for the next scene.



Scene 48 -  Confrontation at the Lake House
INT. LAKE HOUSE NORTH OF DALLAS - NIGHT
Emily cleans the table and places the dishes in the sink. She
takes a bottle of white wine she’s been chilling and pours
herself a glass, then sits down to work on a crossword
puzzle.

A car door SLAMS and she gets up to look outside. A patrol
car is parked by the curb, and TWO OFFICERS are heading up
the sidewalk. Emily opens the front door but leaves the
screened-in door closed.

EMILY
May I help you?

OFFICER ONE (30s, warm smile, serious) smiles and shows his
badge. OFFICER TWO (30s, rigid, standoffish) stands beside
him.

OFFICER ONE
Looking for Ms. Gallo, ma’am. Is
that you?

Emily trembles but remains calm.
EMILY
What is it you want of her?

OFFICER ONE
Ma’am, we need to discuss that with
Ms. Gallo. Is that you? Or is she
here?

Emily flashes a thin smile and starts to close the door.
Officer One holds his hand and blocks the door. He moves his
other hand toward the gun in his holster.

Emily grabs the shotgun leaning against the wall and aims it
at the officer.

EMILY
Move toward your gun again. Go
ahead.

The cop smiles, but then quickly reaches for his gun.

Emily pulls the trigger, blowing him away. He is knocked back
several feet, then his body glows and disappears.

Officer Two holds up his right hand and backs away, but he
slowly moves his left hand behind his back.
58


Emily glances from hand to hand, and when Officer Two grabs
something from his back pocket, she pulls the trigger again.

Officer Two is knocked off his feet, and before his body hits
the ground, it disappears.

Emily looks around outside, then down at the spot where the
officers stood. All that remains are two puddles of water —
or something.

She pulls out a cigarette, but her hands tremble so badly,
she can’t get it lit.

She dials Rance on the burner.

RANCE (V.O.)
Emily! What the hell is going on? I
told you not to call anyone.

EMILY
I had to. I just shot two cops; at
least, I think they were cops. But
when I shot them they disappeared.
They goddamn disappeared.

Rance pauses.

RANCE (V.O.)
They weren’t cops. If they were,
the bodies wouldn’t disappear.
(beat)
You’re in danger. You need to get
the hell out of there.

Emily moves slowly and steps over the spot where the bodies
were.

She takes her car keys from her purse and heads out. She runs
to her car, starts it up, and heads toward home.
Genres: ["Thriller","Sci-Fi","Action"]

Summary Emily, alone at her lake house, faces two officers searching for Ms. Gallo. Tension escalates as she aims a shotgun at them, revealing her fear and suspicion. When Officer One reaches for his gun, she shoots him, causing his body to glow and vanish. Officer Two attempts to retreat but is also shot, disappearing as well. Shaken, Emily struggles to light a cigarette and calls Rance, who warns her that the officers were not real. Realizing the danger, she grabs her keys and drives away from the scene.
Strengths
  • Suspenseful atmosphere
  • Tense confrontation
  • Mysterious disappearances
  • Strong emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity on the nature of the officers
  • Limited character development for the officers

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively combines suspense, action, and mystery to create a gripping and intense sequence that keeps the audience on edge. The sudden disappearance of the officers adds a supernatural element that heightens the tension and fear.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of mysterious officers who disappear when shot adds a unique and intriguing element to the scene. The blend of thriller, sci-fi, and action elements creates a compelling and suspenseful sequence.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around Emily's confrontation with the officers and her realization that they are not what they seem. The plot progression is driven by suspense, mystery, and fear, leading to a sense of danger and urgency.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique twist with the disappearing bodies, adding a fresh approach to a familiar situation involving police officers. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Emily is portrayed as resourceful, determined, and quick-thinking in the face of danger. The officers are mysterious and menacing, adding to the tension and fear. The characters are well-developed and drive the conflict forward.

Character Changes: 7

Emily undergoes a change from a state of calm to a state of fear and determination as she confronts the mysterious officers. The officers themselves also undergo a change as they disappear, adding to the mystery and intrigue of the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Emily's internal goal in this scene is to protect herself and understand the strange events happening around her. This reflects her fear and desire for safety.

External Goal: 9

Emily's external goal is to escape the danger she is facing and get to safety. This reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges she is dealing with.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with Emily facing off against mysterious officers who pose a threat to her safety. The tension and danger are palpable, driving the scene forward and keeping the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the police officers posing a significant threat to Emily's safety and forcing her to make difficult decisions.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes in the scene are high, with Emily facing off against mysterious officers who pose a threat to her safety. The sense of danger and urgency is heightened by the supernatural elements and the escalating conflict.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new element of danger and mystery. The disappearance of the officers and Emily's realization that they are not what they seem propel the plot forward and raise the stakes for the characters.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist of the disappearing bodies and the tension between Emily and the police officers.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the question of trust and self-preservation. Emily must decide whether to trust the police officers or protect herself, which challenges her beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a strong emotional impact, evoking fear, anxiety, and suspense in the audience. The sudden disappearances of the officers and Emily's sense of danger create a sense of urgency and tension.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is tense and impactful, conveying fear, determination, and urgency. The interactions between Emily and the officers are filled with suspense and mystery, adding to the overall tension of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful action, mysterious elements, and the protagonist's dilemma of trust and self-preservation.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds suspense and tension, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful thriller genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through Emily's initial calmness juxtaposed with the impending threat posed by the officers. This contrast heightens the suspense as the audience anticipates her reaction.
  • Emily's character is well-established as both strong and vulnerable. Her decision to grab the shotgun demonstrates her readiness to protect herself, which is a pivotal moment that showcases her agency in a dangerous situation.
  • The dialogue is concise and impactful, particularly Emily's line about the officers moving toward their guns. This line not only conveys her fear but also her determination to stand her ground, making her a compelling character.
  • The visual imagery of the officers disappearing after being shot is striking and adds a supernatural element to the scene, reinforcing the theme of deception and danger. However, the transition from the physical confrontation to the aftermath could be more vividly described to enhance the shock value.
  • The pacing of the scene is effective, with a gradual build-up to the climax of the gunfire. However, the moment after the officers disappear could benefit from a brief pause or reflection from Emily to emphasize the gravity of her actions and the surreal nature of the situation.
  • Rance's voiceover adds urgency and context, but it might be more impactful if his reaction included a sense of disbelief or horror at what Emily has done, rather than just a directive to leave. This could deepen the emotional stakes for both characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue for Emily as she prepares to confront the officers. This could provide insight into her thoughts and fears, making her decision to arm herself more poignant.
  • Enhance the description of the aftermath of the gunfire. Instead of simply stating that the bodies disappear, explore Emily's reaction to the surreal sight of the puddles left behind, which could amplify the emotional weight of the moment.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to immerse the audience in the scene. Describe the sounds of the gunshots, the atmosphere of the lake house, and Emily's physical sensations (e.g., her heartbeat, the weight of the shotgun) to heighten tension.
  • Consider having Rance express more emotional turmoil in his voiceover after Emily reveals she shot the officers. This could create a stronger connection between the characters and emphasize the stakes involved.
  • Add a moment of hesitation or doubt from Emily before she pulls the trigger. This could humanize her character further and make her eventual decision to shoot more impactful.



Scene 49 -  Facing the Unknown
INT. GALLO'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Rance walks back and forth while holding his cell phone. He
begins dialing several times but stops.

Headlights shine in the driveway, and Rance races to the door
and opens it. Emily gets out of a car, runs to the house, and
throws her arms around him.
59

EMILY
My God, Rance. I’m so sorry I
doubted you.

Rance holds her tightly and pats her back.

RANCE
It’s all right. Everything will be
fine now.

EMILY
Everything’s not going to be fine.
I just killed two cops. I —
(pause)
Rance, I’m scared.
Rance pulls away and steps back. He holds her shoulders and
stares.

RANCE
You did not kill two cops. I don’t
know who or what you shot, but they
weren’t human; besides, they
disappeared, didn’t they? There
won’t be any evidence.
(a beat)
Listen, I didn’t believe much of
this before, but Roddy told me some
things that convinced me.

EMILY
(trembling)
Convinced you of what?

RANCE
That aliens have landed.


KITCHEN - GALLO HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Rance walks toward the kitchen, then stops and turns, staring
at Emily.

RANCE
I know you’ll think I’m nuts, but I
have to do this.

He pulls a flashlight from his pocket, steps close to Emily,
and shines it in her eyes.

EMILY
What the hell are you doing?
60


RANCE
Sorry, I needed to test you.
Apparently, these beings can assume
anyone’s form and this is one of
the only ways to tell who’s real
and who’s not. Carry a flashlight
with you and test anyone you meet.

EMILY
My God, Rance, now you’re scaring
me more.

Emily stares with her eyebrows raised.

EMILY (CONT’D)
What can we do?

Rance kisses her passionately.

RANCE
We can fight this together. No
goddamn aliens are getting the
better of us.

Emily pats his butt and heads up the stairs.

EMILY
I’m getting some guns and ammo.

RANCE
Get plenty of ammo. I’ve got to run
to the office, and you’re coming
with me.

EMILY
You’re right about that; there’s no
way I’m staying here alone.
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a tense night scene at Rance's house, Rance anxiously paces, grappling with his thoughts until Emily arrives, expressing regret for doubting him. She confesses her fear after shooting two cops, but Rance reassures her that they were not human and that there will be no evidence. Shocked by Rance's newfound belief in aliens, Emily undergoes a flashlight test to confirm her humanity. United by their determination to fight against the aliens, Emily heads to gather weapons while Rance prepares to join her.
Strengths
  • Intense suspense
  • Emotional depth
  • Plot advancement
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly forced or melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively introduces a major plot twist, builds tension, and establishes a strong emotional connection between the characters, setting the stage for further conflict and action.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of aliens landing on Earth and the testing of human identity adds depth and intrigue to the storyline, creating a compelling narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of the alien threat and the characters' decision to fight against it, setting the stage for further developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the alien invasion trope by focusing on the personal and emotional consequences of such an event. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and grounded in their reactions to the extraordinary situation.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Rance and Emily, show depth, emotion, and determination in the face of danger, making them relatable and engaging.

Character Changes: 7

The characters, especially Emily, undergo a significant change in perception and action, transitioning from disbelief to acceptance and readiness to fight.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to reassure Emily and convince her that they can face the unknown threat together. This reflects Rance's deeper need for control and protection, as well as his desire to maintain a sense of normalcy in the face of extraordinary circumstances.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to prepare for a potential alien threat by arming themselves and staying together. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with the aftermath of Emily's actions and the looming presence of unknown entities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing a new and dangerous threat, testing their identities, and making crucial decisions in the face of uncertainty.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the characters face a daunting challenge in the form of alien beings and the uncertainty of their existence. The audience is left wondering how they will overcome this threat.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high, with the characters facing a potentially world-changing threat and having to make life-or-death decisions in the face of uncertainty and danger.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing a major plot twist, escalating the conflict, and setting the characters on a new path of action and decision-making.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twist of the alien presence and the characters' reactions to this revelation. The uncertainty of the situation keeps the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash between reality and belief. Rance's acceptance of the existence of aliens challenges Emily's initial skepticism and forces them to confront the possibility of a larger, hidden truth.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, determination, and emotional connection, drawing the audience into the characters' struggles and the gravity of the situation.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and determination, enhancing the overall tension and suspense of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of suspense, emotion, and action, keeping the audience invested in the characters' journey and the unfolding mystery of the alien threat.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with well-timed moments of action and reflection. The rhythm of the dialogue and character interactions enhances the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action descriptions, and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear and engaging structure, with a well-paced buildup of tension and resolution. The dialogue and action flow smoothly, contributing to the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the tension and urgency following Emily's traumatic experience, but it could benefit from deeper emotional exploration. Rance's reassurance feels somewhat generic; adding more specific details about their relationship or shared experiences could enhance the emotional weight of their reunion.
  • The dialogue is functional but lacks subtext. For instance, when Rance says, 'Everything will be fine now,' it feels too simplistic given the gravity of the situation. Consider incorporating more nuanced dialogue that reflects their fear and uncertainty while still conveying hope.
  • Rance's flashlight test is an interesting plot device, but it could be better integrated into the scene. Instead of abruptly pulling out the flashlight, perhaps he could explain his reasoning more thoroughly, which would help the audience understand the stakes and the logic behind his actions.
  • Emily's reaction to the flashlight test feels a bit underwhelming. Given the context of her recent trauma, her fear could be amplified. Consider showing her internal conflict more vividly, perhaps through physical reactions or more frantic dialogue.
  • The transition from the emotional reunion to the action-oriented plan feels a bit rushed. The shift from fear to determination could be more gradual, allowing the audience to fully grasp the weight of what just happened before jumping into the next steps.
Suggestions
  • Enhance the emotional depth of the scene by incorporating more specific memories or shared experiences between Rance and Emily that highlight their bond and the stakes of their current situation.
  • Revise Rance's dialogue to include more subtext and complexity, reflecting the gravity of the situation and their emotional states. This could involve more hesitation or vulnerability in his reassurances.
  • Provide a clearer rationale for Rance's flashlight test. Perhaps he could explain the significance of the test in more detail, emphasizing the danger they are in and why it's crucial to verify each other's identities.
  • Amplify Emily's emotional response to the flashlight test. Show her fear and confusion more vividly, possibly through her body language or more frantic dialogue that reflects her state of mind.
  • Slow down the pacing slightly to allow for a more natural transition from the emotional reunion to their plan of action. This could involve a moment of silence or reflection before they decide to fight back.



Scene 50 -  Urgent Protection
INT. WWNEWS - NIGHT

Rance walks through the newsroom, his head hung low and a
solemn expression on his face.


RANCE’S OFFICE — CONTINUOUS

Rance sits behind his desk and picks up the phone, but he
puts it down when RJ enters.

RJ STRYKER
Where the hell is my daughter? I’ve
called her three times.
61


RANCE
She’s here, probably wandering
around the newsroom, but I told her
not to answer her cell.

Rance leans closer and lowers his voice.

RANCE (CONT’D)
They’ve already tried to get her,
and she killed two of them.

RJ STRYKER
What the hell aren’t you telling
me?

RANCE
I didn’t want to say anything until
I was sure. I can’t swear to it,
but I’m as sure as I can be.

RJ STRYKER
Explain.

RANCE
We’ve got a reputed scientist at
the Big Bend Observatory who saw
meteors going in directions they
shouldn’t have been able to.
(a beat)
We’ve got a renowned lawyer who
swears he hit some kind of being,
but when he looked, nothing was
there. Then, while investigating
it, Tony disappears. And I had
patrol cars follow me home.
(a beat)
Besides all that, there’s the
attack on your daughter. She killed
two of them, and their bodies
disappeared. I mean disappeared.

RJ jumps up and slams his fist on the desk.

RJ STRYKER
Don’t worry about anything else.
Concern yourself with watching
Emily. Get her home and stay there *
until we figure something out. I’ll *
send some men from the ranch to
your house.

RANCE
That’ll help, RJ. I appreciate it.
Now, I’m taking Emily home.
62


NEWSROOM — CONTINUOUS

Cyndi removes her earbuds and dials Karo.

CYNDI
Commander, Gallo is here.

KARO
Find out about his wife. She’s
already killed two of our people.
We can’t afford to lose more.
Genres: ["Sci-Fi","Thriller","Drama"]

Summary In a tense newsroom at night, Rance informs a frantic RJ that his daughter Emily is safe but has already defended herself against attackers, killing two. As Rance shares details about a larger threat involving a scientist and a lawyer, RJ insists on ensuring Emily's safety, offering to send men to protect her. Rance agrees to take Emily home, while Cyndi contacts Commander Karo about the escalating situation, highlighting the urgency and danger surrounding them.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Intriguing concept of alien threat
  • Realistic character reactions
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more concise
  • Limited exploration of alien motives

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and introduces a new layer of conflict with the alien threat, keeping the audience engaged and intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of an alien threat infiltrating human society is intriguing and adds a new dimension to the story, creating suspense and mystery.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with the introduction of the alien threat, raising the stakes and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the mystery and supernatural genre, blending elements of science fiction with real-world threats. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters react realistically to the escalating situation, showing fear, distrust, and determination in the face of the unknown.

Character Changes: 7

Characters experience a shift in their beliefs and actions due to the alien threat, leading to growth and adaptation in the face of danger.

Internal Goal: 8

Rance's internal goal in this scene is to protect Emily and ensure her safety amidst the escalating danger and mysterious events. This reflects his deeper need for security and his desire to keep his loved ones out of harm's way.

External Goal: 7.5

Rance's external goal in this scene is to figure out the truth behind the strange occurrences and protect Emily from potential threats. This reflects the immediate challenges he is facing in dealing with the unknown and dangerous situation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict reaches a high level with the introduction of the alien threat, creating a sense of urgency and danger for the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing unknown threats and challenges that add complexity to the plot.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high with the presence of an alien threat and the characters' lives in danger, adding intensity and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new conflict and raising the stakes, setting up future events and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden twists and revelations, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the clash between the normalcy of everyday life and the intrusion of supernatural or otherworldly elements. This challenges Rance's beliefs in the rationality of the world and forces him to confront the possibility of the unknown.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and shock in the characters and the audience, heightening the emotional impact of the alien threat.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, motivations, and the gravity of the situation, enhancing the tension and suspense.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, mysterious plot developments, and high stakes for the characters.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a good balance of dialogue and action to keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the standard format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful mystery, with a clear progression of events and escalating tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by highlighting the urgency of Rance's situation and the danger posed to Emily. The dialogue between Rance and RJ is direct and conveys the gravity of the situation, but it could benefit from more emotional depth to enhance the stakes.
  • RJ's reaction to the news about Emily is strong, but it feels somewhat one-dimensional. Adding layers to his character, such as showing his fear or vulnerability as a father, could create a more compelling dynamic between him and Rance.
  • The exposition regarding the scientist and lawyer feels a bit rushed. While it's important to convey the information, it might be more impactful if Rance shared these details in a more conversational manner, allowing for pauses that reflect his concern and the weight of the revelations.
  • Cyndi's action of dialing Karo feels abrupt and could use a smoother transition. It might be more effective if her concern for the situation was established earlier in the scene, making her call feel like a natural response rather than a sudden shift.
  • The scene ends on a cliffhanger with Cyndi's call to Karo, which is effective for maintaining suspense. However, it could be enhanced by providing a brief moment of reflection from Rance or RJ after the call, emphasizing the uncertainty and danger they face.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment where Rance expresses his emotional turmoil about Emily's safety, perhaps through internal monologue or a brief flashback, to deepen the audience's connection to his character.
  • Explore RJ's character further by incorporating a line or two that reveals his personal stakes in the situation, such as a memory of Emily as a child or his fears about losing her, to create a more relatable and multi-dimensional character.
  • Instead of delivering all the exposition in one go, break it up with reactions from RJ or Rance. This can create a more dynamic exchange and allow the audience to absorb the information gradually.
  • Introduce Cyndi's concern earlier in the scene, perhaps by showing her observing the tension between Rance and RJ, which would make her decision to call Karo feel more justified and urgent.
  • After Cyndi's call, include a brief moment of silence or a shared look between Rance and RJ to emphasize the weight of the situation and the uncertainty of what lies ahead.



Scene 51 -  Facing the Unknown
INT. GALLO HOUSE - NIGHT

Emily sips on a glass of wine, cocks the shotgun, and sets it
on her lap. She hears a car pulling into the driveway.

She quietly lifts the shotgun, then moves slowly to the front
window. As she pulls the curtains aside, she hears the lock
on the front door turn. She raises the gun, ready to shoot.

The doorknob turns, and the door opens slowly. With her
fingers on the trigger, she aims, but then hears a familiar
voice. It’s DENNY (Ranch foreman, 45, tall, burly).

DENNY
Emily, are you here?

Emily sets the gun down and rushes to hug him. She kisses him
on the cheek and squeezes tightly, but then she steps back
and stares. She pulls out a flashlight and shines it into
Denny’s eyes.

Denny holds a hand up to block the light.

DENNY (CONT’D)
Good God. It’s me. You just saw me
last week.

EMILY
I had to check. Besides, more of
Dad’s men are spaced around the
house, and some of them are
upstairs. *
(a beat) *
I’m worried, Denny. Should Rance
and I leave here and hide?

Rance walks in the back door, shakes hands with Denny, and *
addresses Emily.
63


DENNY
I’ll get a few of my men and patrol
the outside. Holler if you need me.

RANCE
(to Emily) *
Don’t worry. We’ll stay, and we’ll
handle this together. Take a seat
on the sofa while I get a gun. It
might be a long night.

Rance returns carrying a gun. He pours a glass of wine and
sits on the sofa to watch TV. NEWS REPORTER ONE (40, male,
Latino, professional) delivers the nightly news.

NEWS REPORTER ONE
Two police officers have gone
missing after a routine patrol.
Residents of the upscale community
north of Dallas reported hearing
gunshots coming from the house
owned by Rance Gallo, Chief
Reporter at WWNEWS, but upon
investigating, there were no signs
of foul play inside or out. And
there was no sign of either Mr. or
Mrs. Gallo.

Emily leans on Rance’s shoulder.

EMILY
That news report settles it. If we
go on the run, we’ll be hunted like
dogs.

RANCE
Then I guess we’ll have to fight
this as reporters.
Genres: ["Thriller","Sci-Fi","Drama"]

Summary In a tense night at the Gallo house, Emily, armed with a shotgun, prepares for an intruder but relaxes upon recognizing Denny, her father's ranch foreman. After a brief reunion, Emily expresses her fears for their safety, suggesting she and Rance should hide. Denny offers to patrol the area, while Rance reassures Emily that they will confront the danger together. As they watch the news reporting on the mysterious disappearance of police officers linked to their home, Emily fears fleeing will lead to being hunted. The scene culminates in their decision to face the threat head-on, setting the stage for impending conflict.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Creating suspense
  • Character development
  • Advancing the plot
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity on the nature of the threat
  • Limited exploration of the alien presence

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a mysterious and suspenseful atmosphere, keeping the audience engaged and curious about the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of facing an unknown threat and the characters' decision to confront it together is engaging and sets up potential for further development in the story.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly in this scene with the introduction of a new threat, the disappearance of the police officers, and the characters' decision to stay and fight against the unknown danger.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar scenario of potential danger and conflict but adds a unique twist with the characters' professions as reporters and the mysterious disappearance of police officers.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Emily and Rance, show determination, fear, and a sense of unity in the face of danger, adding depth and complexity to their personalities.

Character Changes: 7

The characters, particularly Emily, show a change in their mindset as they decide to confront the threat together, showing growth and development in the face of danger.

Internal Goal: 8

Emily's internal goal in this scene is to protect herself and her loved ones from potential danger. This reflects her need for safety and security in a threatening situation.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to decide whether to stay and face the potential threat or to leave and hide. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a possible danger.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict is high in this scene, with the characters facing a mysterious threat and making decisions that could have significant consequences for their safety.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing a potential threat and having to make difficult decisions to protect themselves.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with the characters facing a dangerous and unknown threat that could have serious consequences for their safety and well-being.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing a new threat, deepening the conflict, and setting up potential resolutions for the characters' predicament.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected arrival of Denny and the mysterious disappearance of the police officers, adding layers of intrigue and suspense.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between facing danger head-on and running away to safety. This challenges the characters' beliefs about courage, loyalty, and survival.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes fear, anxiety, and determination in the characters, as well as in the audience, creating an emotional connection to the unfolding events.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' emotions, fears, and determination, adding to the tension and suspense of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, dramatic tension, and the characters' emotional reactions to the unfolding events.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' decisions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a suspenseful thriller genre, with clear action lines and dialogue cues.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a typical suspenseful structure, building tension and conflict as the characters face a potential threat.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by starting with Emily in a vulnerable position, armed and on high alert. This sets a suspenseful tone that resonates with the audience's anticipation of danger.
  • The introduction of Denny serves as a moment of relief, but the flashlight test adds an interesting layer of paranoia, reinforcing the theme of distrust that permeates the narrative. However, the transition from tension to relief could be more pronounced to enhance the emotional impact.
  • Rance's entrance and his dialogue provide a sense of camaraderie and support, which is crucial for character development. However, his actions could be more dynamic; instead of just pouring a glass of wine, he could engage in a more active preparation for the impending threat, which would heighten the urgency.
  • The news report serves as an effective exposition tool, but it feels somewhat detached from the characters' immediate emotional experience. Integrating the news report more closely with their reactions could enhance the scene's emotional weight.
  • The dialogue is generally strong, but some lines could be tightened for clarity and impact. For example, Emily's line about being worried could be more concise to maintain the scene's pacing.
  • The scene ends on a strong note, but it could benefit from a more explicit emotional reaction from Emily to the news report, which would deepen her character's fear and resolve.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of internal monologue for Emily before Denny arrives to further explore her emotional state and fears, enhancing audience connection.
  • Make Rance's actions more proactive; instead of just pouring wine, he could check the windows or doors, reinforcing the urgency of their situation.
  • Integrate the news report more closely with the characters' dialogue, perhaps having Rance react to specific details in the report, which would create a stronger emotional link.
  • Tighten the dialogue to enhance pacing; for instance, Emily could say, 'I had to check. I’m worried. Should we hide?' to convey urgency without losing clarity.
  • Add a moment where Emily expresses her fear more explicitly after the news report, which would help to ground the scene emotionally and highlight the stakes.



Scene 52 -  Watchful Eyes
INT. KARO’S HOUSE — NIGHT

Karo answers a knock at the door and invites Justine in. She
sits in a chair next to Karo.

KARO
I want you to keep a close watch on
Gallo. Mind you, I don’t want
anything done right now, just watch
and report anything of concern.

JUSTINE
What are we going to do?
64


KARO
I don’t know yet, but the fleet is
close, and I will not let Gallo
interfere with our plans.
FADE OUT
Genres: ["Science Fiction","Thriller"]

Summary In a tense nighttime meeting at Karo's house, Karo instructs Justine to closely monitor Gallo without taking any immediate action. Justine expresses concern about their uncertain plans as they prepare for the approaching fleet, highlighting the urgency of the situation. The scene captures their serious conversation, emphasizing the need for vigilance against the potential threat posed by Gallo, leaving the conflict unresolved as Karo remains determined to prevent any interference.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Establishing mystery and intrigue
  • Setting up future conflicts
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Lack of emotional depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up a mysterious and ominous atmosphere, leaving the audience intrigued and eager to learn more about the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of surveillance, impending danger, and hidden agendas is effectively introduced in the scene, adding depth to the narrative and setting the stage for future developments.

Plot: 8

The scene contributes to the overall plot by introducing a new layer of intrigue and conflict, expanding the scope of the story and raising the stakes for the characters involved.

Originality: 7

The scene introduces a familiar premise of espionage and intrigue but adds a fresh perspective by focusing on the internal struggles and moral dilemmas of the characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and character motivations adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 7

While Karo and Justine are not extensively developed in this scene, their interactions hint at their roles in the larger narrative and add complexity to the unfolding events.

Character Changes: 6

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions between Karo and Justine hint at potential shifts in their motivations and allegiances as the story progresses.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain control and protect their plans from being compromised. This reflects their need for power and security, as well as their fear of failure or betrayal.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to keep a close watch on Gallo and prevent any interference with their plans. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a potential threat to their operation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene introduces a conflict of interests and hidden agendas, setting up future confrontations and power struggles among the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing a formidable challenge in protecting their plans and dealing with potential threats. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the suspense and intrigue.

High Stakes: 7

The scene establishes high stakes by hinting at a larger threat and the potential consequences of inaction or betrayal, adding urgency to the characters' decisions and actions.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new elements of intrigue and conflict, setting up future developments and raising questions about the characters' intentions and loyalties.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' ambiguous motivations and the uncertain outcome of their actions. The audience is left wondering how the conflict will unfold and what choices the characters will make.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's willingness to take preemptive action to protect their plans, even if it means compromising their values or morals. This challenges their beliefs about the ends justifying the means.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene focuses more on building tension and suspense rather than eliciting strong emotional responses from the audience. However, the sense of fear and paranoia adds to the overall atmosphere of the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the sense of tension and secrecy present in the scene, setting up future conflicts and character motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its fast-paced dialogue, high stakes, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience invested in the characters' fates. The tension and suspense are effectively built, drawing the reader into the narrative.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by maintaining a sense of urgency and tension throughout. The dialogue and action are tightly woven, keeping the reader engaged and eager to see what happens next.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the conventions of the genre, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and action descriptions. The visual and auditory elements are effectively conveyed, enhancing the reader's immersion in the story.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a suspenseful thriller, with a clear setup of conflict and tension leading to a cliffhanger ending. The pacing and rhythm are well-executed, maintaining the audience's interest and building anticipation for the next development.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of foreboding and tension, as Karo's dialogue hints at a larger, impending conflict involving Gallo and the approaching fleet. However, the lack of specificity in Karo's plans leaves the audience wanting more clarity about the stakes and motivations behind his actions.
  • Justine's character feels somewhat underdeveloped in this scene. While she asks a relevant question about their plans, her response lacks depth or emotional weight. This could be an opportunity to explore her feelings about the situation, perhaps showing her internal conflict or loyalty to Karo.
  • The dialogue is functional but could benefit from more subtext. Karo's lines are straightforward, which makes the scene feel a bit flat. Adding layers to their conversation could enhance the tension and intrigue, making the audience more invested in the characters' fates.
  • The scene ends abruptly with 'FADE OUT,' which can be effective in creating a sense of mystery, but it may also leave the audience feeling unsatisfied. A more impactful closing line or action could provide a stronger emotional hook as the scene transitions to the next.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more detail to Karo's motivations and the implications of the fleet's arrival. This could involve a brief flashback or a line that hints at past failures or successes, giving the audience a clearer understanding of why Gallo is a threat.
  • Develop Justine's character further by incorporating her emotional response to Karo's orders. This could be achieved through internal monologue or a more expressive dialogue exchange that reveals her doubts or fears about their mission.
  • Infuse the dialogue with subtext by having Karo and Justine discuss their plans in a way that reveals their personalities and stakes without explicitly stating them. This could create a more engaging and layered conversation.
  • Instead of a simple 'FADE OUT,' consider ending the scene with a visual cue or a line that encapsulates the tension, such as Karo's expression or a sound that signifies the impending arrival of the fleet, leaving the audience with a lingering sense of dread.