AUDIO-CUE: ”The distant sound of galloping hoofbeats mix with
distant drums, gunfire, and blood-curdling war cries.”
A faded and frayed-edge sepia picture of ex-miner, WHISKY WISE
(60s), the soon-to-be-revealed and more often than not, shit-
faced ORATOR, is a dwarf-like character of healthy proportions
(short and fat).
WHISKY (V.O.)
Sit back and buckle up folks ‘cause
you’re about to experience a whole
lot of crazy you ain’t never
witnessed before.
An arrow strikes the image. The strike immediately triggers
the picture to morph into the Whisky Wise CHARACTER.
He bends down, picks up some dirt, and rubs it into his hands,
just as an arrow flies over his head.
WHISKY
Goddamn varmints.
(shouts)
Ain’t you got no respect?..
TO CAMERA.
WHISKY
Reckon you’d like to know who the
hell I am, and maybe what kind of
stuff ails me?.. Well, the name’s
Whisky Wise, and what ails me is
acts of stupidity, ignorance, and -
(an arrow grazes his ass)
- and especially being on the
receiving end of a friggin’ Crow
arrow!..
(breaks off the arrow)
And, friends, ain’t no use you
lookin’ me up in no books or funny
papers as there ain’t no knowledge,
just a wise old bird with a bucket
full of common sense...
Genres:
["Western","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
2 -
Chaos at the Crow Encampment
EXT. THE GRÖBER HOLDING - DAY
A distant view of CROW INDIANS attacking a blazing wooden
shack with a ginger bearded, HANZ GRÖBER in raggedy clothing
attempting to defend his home firing a single shot Sharps
rifle.
His demented, young, and WELL ENDOWED wife, HELGA GRÖBER (28),
runs around screaming like a banshee.
A muscular brave chases down the screaming Fräulein, her hair
matted, her charred clothing still smoldering, her unbridled
and tantalizing breasts, well -- just a smidgen short of being
exposed, drags her from the dust, and onto the neck of his
pony.
WHISKY
Got ya quizzin’?.. Okay, let’s get
to it.
EXT. CROW INDIAN ENCAMPMENT - MONTANA MOUNTAINS - DAY
The campground features multiple tepees erected on either
side of the tumultuous WAHTUSIE RIVER. Many campfires have
pots and utensils hanging over open flames.
Two visually camp braves in calfskin thongs wearing full war
paint, struggle to turn a large pig roast over an open fire.
A long-haired boar sat on a log with a napkin around his
neck, grunts as he looks on.
CLOSE-UP OF ROASTING PIG’S SNOUT:
PIG
So cruel, so inhumane!
Running noisily around the flames are CHILDREN in improvised
war bonnets mimicking their warrior fathers with miniature-
sized tomahawks, wooden knives, and bows and arrows.
The children run a ring around two YOUNG SQUAWS excitedly
showing their newborn PAPOOSES to tribe elders while other
SQUAWS engage in everyday tasks of cooking and cleaning.
EXT. CROW CAMP - CONTINUOUS (TRAVELING)
A large, pig-tailed SQUAW clad in a long tied-at-the-waist
smock and beaded ensemble and carrying a laundry basket,
waddles toward the swiftly flowing Wahtusie.
Her rear-end appears to have a life of its own as it defies
gravity and bounces in time with the distant drums. The
children follow behind, enthralled by the autonomous motion
of this inexplicable rear-end.
EXT. CROW CAMP - CONTINUOUS
A paint-smeared WAR PARTY rides into camp; their war cries
still echoing throughout the snow-capped mountains. All eyes
turn to CHIEF WYASKA, a young, muscular brave who leads the
party.
WHISKY (V.O.)
The leadin’ brave is Chief Wyaska,
one ornery SOB, reckoned to be a
few cents short of a dollar.
PROFILE FREEZE ON WYASKA: A proud brave with the obligatory
hook nose, proudly sporting a fully packed, skunk tailed
plumage, THONG.
UNFREEZE:
WHISKY (V.O.)
Wyaska, dropped on his dome while
being offered up to the Great Spirits
during the Winds of Time Equinox,
believes he is a metamorphosis of
Kokopelli the God of fertility, and
believes he is gifted, allowing him
to battle or fornicate based on
premeditated desires.
Wyaska’s horse turns.
WHISKY (V.O.)
Looks like the chief got himself a
female captive... Well, I'll be a!..
Jesus! It’s, HELGA GRÖBER!
Wyaska heads his pony towards the Wahtusie just as the
enigmatic, and totally over beaded and feathered, EAGLE CLAW,
exits his teepee.
WHISKY (V.O.)
The old warrior looking like last
years highly decorated Christmas tree,
is great chief, Eagle Claw, the Crow's
long-standing mystic and Wyaska’s
great-grandfather.
SUPER: “THE YEAR 1878, THE ENCAMPMENT OF THE WARRING CROW”
Genres:
["Western","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
3 -
Cultural Clash at the Wahtusie River
EXT. CROW ENCAMPMENT/WAHTUSIE RIVER - DAY
Wyaska rides to the water’s edge and unceremoniously dumps
Helga into the fast-running, ice-cold waters.
SUPER: “THE SACRED WAHTUSIE RIVER”
The fat-assed squaw, kneeling on the river bank washing her
smalls, looks out at the bobbing head of Helga, and
outstretches her arm in an attempt to rescue her from the
waters. Helga, her head just above the waterline, reaches out
and uses the fat squaw's pigtail to pull herself out.
Helga's action causes the fat squaw to lose her balance,
resulting in a stunning water-displacing belly-flop into the
Wahtusie.
HELGA
(screaming)
Danke... Das Schwein!.. Vhy, der
Bastard, er will meinen Körper...
Vhy!?
The youngsters, observe the scene, grab rocks, and whooping
with joy, throw stones at the floating downstream squaw who
floats on her back looking confused.
EXT. CHIEF EAGLE CLAW TEPEE - CONTINUOUS
EAGLE CLAW stood proudly, beckons to the dismounting Wyaska.
NOTE: (Words are exchanged in broken English)
EAGLE CLAW
My son -- woman in Wahtusie... This is
Gröber woman you watch many times from
hillside?
WYASKA
Yes, Grandfather.
EAGLE CLAW
The one, bathing naked in tin bath,
who cleanse herself by moonlight?
WYASKA
The same, Grandfather.
Helga’s distant, muffled cry, is heard.
HELGA (O.S.)
Was ist das? Warum verschonst du mich?
EAGLE CLAW
Hmm... This woman, she screams? She
has large bazola-paps?
WYASKA
Ones that conjure sweet dreams,
Grandfather.
EAGLE CLAW
Sweet dreams?.. Hmm... Able then to
bear Eagle Claw many grandsons?
WYASKA
Yes, Grandfather.
EAGLE CLAW
You ask her, Wyaska?
WYASKA
Huh?
EAGLE CLAW
No matter -- go forth, my son, give
Gröber woman, the majestic shaft of
life.
WYASKA
Grandfather -- why do we speak in
riddles and white man’s tongue?
Eagle Claw reaches into his beaded top and pulls out a script,
turns pages, and points.
EAGLE CLAW
It is written.
Their interaction is broken as PICARD STRETCH, a tall, mean-
looking hombre, and MAIN REGULATOR for the (soon to be
introduced) CHICAGO MINING AND ACQUISITIONS CORP (C-MAC).
Stretch rides into the encampment where his mount is
immediately surrounded by braves, squaws, and young children.
INDIANS
(angry ad-libs)
Su-enta nourte!.. Hela-ta, gotta
noo... Etc.
STRETCH
Get outta here, ya, heathens?.. Go On,
piss off!
Stretch dismounts and walks towards Eagle Claw's tepee. He
trips over a crazed JACK RUSSEL who sinks his teeth into his
trouser leg.
STRETCH
(screams)
What the... Get this crazy mutt offa
me!
He continues on, trying to shake off the crazed hound but the
dog has other ideas and hangs on growling. Eagle Claw,
amused, shouts at the dog.
EAGLE CLAW
Cease!
The dog continues to bite at Stretch.
EAGLE CLAW
Cease, Pilocrap, CEASE!
Eagle Claw kicks Pilocrap, who flies through the air
whimpering.
EAGLE CLAW
(to Stretch)
He, Wyaska dog. He no like white man.
Eagle holds his forearm and hand aloft in a sign of welcome
and peace.
EAGLE CLAW
How.
STRETCH
How?..
(angrily to Wyaska)
Do you know ya dog savaged me?..
Wyaska as an aside to camera mimicking Groucho Marx..
WYASKA
You hum it, son and I’ll sing it.
Stretch pulls back as Wyaska starts to sing and war dance.
STRETCH
(to Eagle Claw)
What’s with the bozo?
Wyaska half-draws his long knife from its sheath.
WYASKA
And a man who will cut out your heart
out if no respect is given.
STRETCH
Whoa... Chill, tiger.
Stretch points to a wagon just entering the encampment.
STRETCH
Whisky and rifles, your first
inducement, there’s more when and if
we direct you... Comprende, chiefie?
EAGLE CLAW
Dúuxiipe.
Stretch, in a threatening, UP-YOURS, gesture to Wyaska, tips
his hat, and with Pilocrap again trying to bite his ankle,
mounts, and rides out of camp.
The driver of the wagon watches as women and braves unload
the wagon.
WYASKA
Why do you exchange words with this
white man, Grandfather?
EAGLE CLAW
Because with speech, knowledge is
gained, then with knowledge, power is
gained, and with power -
The wagon unloaded, the man and wagon hightail it out of the
encampment.
EAGLE CLAW
- the Crow nation will rise again and
rid this land of the white insurgents.
WYASKA
This white man -- he came earlier?
EAGLE CLAW
Yes, my son.
WYASKA
You trust him, Grandfather?
EAGLE CLAW
No, my son. His purpose is one of
brutality and betrayal.
WYASKA
Then why, Grandfather?.. White men,
steal our lands, trample our sacred
burial grounds, slaughter our buffalo,
and -
A very EFFEMINATE BRAVE sporting a full GINGER BEARD passes
Wyaska.
EFFEMINATE BRAVE
Love the new thong and the make-up,
love, very fetching.
WYASKA
Huh... Grandfather, they rape our
women, and now we are forced to wear
skunk-skin thongs that itch scrotum.
Eagle Claw rolls his eyes.
EAGLE CLAW
My son, one day, when the winds of
change favor the brave, we will then
be in need of such a voice.
HELGA (O.S.)
(muffled scream)
Du Bastard, hilf mir hier raus!..
Eagle Claw looks to the river.
EAGLE CLAW
Wyaska - tradition dictates, you go
now. Aculoo, aculoo.
The Tribe ELDERS, now gathered and mostly toothless, all
gleefully smile and nod in agreement.
ELDERS
(ad-libs)
Aculoo, aculoo.
IRIS OUT TO
BLACK.
SUPER: “ACT ONE, THE EMANCIPATION”
IRIS IN.
Genres:
["Western","Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
4 -
Whisky's Humorous Fall from Grace
EXT. THE TOWN OF MILLS CROSSING - MONTANA MOUNTAINS - DUSK
A raggedy old banner strung high above the wide, MAIN STREET,
reads: “MILLS CROSSING, THE PRETTIEST LITTLE TOWN THIS SIDE
OF THE PECOS.” PRETTIEST has been scratched and replaced by
SHITTIEST.
SUPER: “MILLS CROSSING SET HIGH IN THE MOUNTAINS OF MONTANA”
The evening sun casts deep shadows over the ramshackle town
as an ex-miner, Whisky Wise falls out of the doors of the PEE
SPRING SALOON and staggers down the stairs and onto the
street.
Whisky, a good-natured character, is somewhat intoxicated as
he attempts to unhitch his scruffy, but loyal pony, PEPPER.
On the far side of the street, women and children enter a
church hall. Whisky doffs his hat as two young ladies walk
towards the hall.
WHISKY
Ladies, goin’ to the meetin’?
His comment is rebuked.
WHISKY
So much for simple pleasantries.
The women ignore the comment. Whisky shouts after them.
WHISKY
Ain’t no truth in ignorance ladies.
The comment is again ignored as he chugs from a half-empty
bottle of whisky. He looks at various passersby. Hiccups,
shakes his head, chuckles, and shouts.
WHISKY
Hey-ho, ya miserable bunch of wayward
nobodies... Lookee here... The towns
gofer, buffoon, pathetic drunk?..
That’s what you bleedin’ hearts think,
ain’t it?..
Whisky throws wide his arms and slowly turns a full one-
eighty-degrees.
WHISKY
Well, check this out, bozos.
Whisky lays down his chiffon-draped, half-top hat and starts
doing a crazed jig. A woman passerby throws some change into
the hat. He looks down.
WHISKY
Huh?.. Much obliged, lady...
He picks up the hat and pockets the change, and shouts again.
WHISKY
You heathens -- you don’t see a man;
just see a penniless bum who’s
searching for a purpose in life...
MALE VOICE (O.S.)
(shouts)
Give it a rest, Whisky!
WHISKY
Give it a rest?.. I’m just gettin’
started.
MALE VOICE (O.S.)
Jesus.
Whisky continues with his proclamation, punctuating every
syllable.
WHISKY
One day -- and that day may come
sooner than you think, you’re gonna
need this old bum to save you from a
mile-high mountain of self-inflicted,
self-righteous, horse shit.
He adjusts the suspenders on his britches as COLE RIDGEWAY,
(30s), a disillusioned miner, is packing a covered wagon with
furnishings in readiness to move on.
COLE
Whisky, go home, and sleep it off!
Whisky turns.
WHISKY
Sleep it off? I’m on a roll, Cole.
Hmm, that rhymes... Anyhow, you’re out
of here soon.
COLE
Always another day, Whisk.
WHISKY
Ya think?
(then with self-righteous
indignation )
And when the good Lord calls -- and
believe me, he’s gonna call and
says...
(to the heavens)
"Whisky, you've done the best you
could to save these pilgrims! You
reached out, reached out for
companionship, friendship, and a
couple of slugs of whisky -- and now --
now it’s time to cross the great
divide.”... And I’ll reply... “Lord --
I ain’t figuring on snuffin’ it
anytime soon, big guy, ‘cause I’m
gonna keep searchin’ -- searchin’ for
a dream, and a modicum of respect!”
COLE
Spare us.
A crowd starts to gather. Whisky, drunker by the minute,
stands aloof, and cries.
WHISKY
And the sinners will burn, and cry out
from the abyss!.. “Show me the hand of
the enlightened one!”... And I will
show them, the truth!
He fist-pumps the air.
WHISKY
TRUTH and REDEMPTION!”
As he fist-pumps his suspenders snap and his britches drop to
his ankles displaying his grimy long johns. Whisky, now
comatose, falls face-first into a pile of horse shit.
A couple of drifters go to tend him.
COLE
Its okay, boys, I got him.
Genres:
["Western","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
5 -
Divine Expectations and Drunken Realities
EXT. THE SHITE-SHAVE-N-SHINE EMPORIUM - MILLS - DAY
SLIM DIGGER, UNDERTAKER (early 30s), the stick-thin, well-
spoken, bespectacled, and self-proclaimed wordsmith,, exits
the store. He speaks with ANGEL HALO, a professional gambler
and gunslinger.
ANGEL
- and you expect to be exalted to the
parsonage, when?
SLIM
As God decrees, Mr. Halo. As the Good
Lord decrees.
ANGEL
Well, the good Lord decrees many
things, Slim, chastity, honesty, the
love for your fellow man. And not
forgetting, a good hand of cards and
some discernin’ die-hard’s to play
with.
SLIM
Amen to that.
ANGEL
Well, you have yourself a nice day.
Angel moves off towards the Pee Spring saloon. Whisky,
leading Pepper, acknowledges Slim.
WHISKY
Slim.
SLIM
Mr. Wise, safely awakened, I see.
Slim reacts adversely as he gets a whiff of Whisky’s rather
rancid body odder.
SLIM
It is beyond my comprehension why one
so diminished would expunge one’s
animus by ingesting that mind-bending
liquid that can be detected beyond
one’s clothing?
Whisky shakes some whisky on his finger tip, and dabs the
liquid behind both ears.
WHISKY
Ain’t got no idea what you said, Slim,
but it sure did sound an educated
question with all them, one’s and
animus, shit?
SLIM
I can assure you, nothing detrimental.
WHISKY
Well, my friend, apart from drinking,
what else is there to do in this shit-
house excuse for a town?
SLIM
The lowly shepherd who walks the
forbidden path shall eventually find
solace in his repentance.
WHISKY
Is that right?..
(swigs again from the
bottle)
Well Slim, not if he’s three sheets
and oblivious to bein’ saved, eh?
SLIM
A quandary, for sure... Oh, well Mr.
Wise, glad to see you’re up and
about...
Tips his hat and addresses a couple of passing WOMEN.
SLIM
I’ve been asked to speak at the Widows
of the West meeting.
The women smile as they move off.
WHISKY
Good luck with that. Them old birds
are hornier than a team of polecats on
heat...
SLIM
Whisky, a little decorum.
A sign outside the church hall reads:
CLOSE-UP ON SIGN: "Widows of the West meeting 5 p.m., all
defensive accoutrements to be lodged prior to entry." Slim
turns, and with a gesture of acknowledgment, walks off towards
the meeting hall.
To Camera:
WHISKY
Now, there’s one self-righteous
bastard.
(shouts to Slim)
Don’t forget to check your
switchblade.
Genres:
["Western","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
6 -
Protest and Parody at Pee Spring Saloon
EXT. THE CHURCH HALL - DAY
Slim stops outside the hall and hears Ma Digger speaking...
MA DIGGER (O.S.)
(muffled)
- got me a reply from this Benjamin
Desirus, the Protestant Preacher from
Power Ridge, Wyoming. A show of hands,
do we see him?..
WOMEN’S VOICES (O.S.)
(ad-libs)
Yes... Aye... I wonder if he’s good-
looking?.. Good idea... Etc. Etc.
WOMAN (O.S.)
Ma, what about your son, Slim?
MA DIGGER (O.S.)
Nah, he’s already been captured by
them Seventh-day Adventist.
Slim enters.
EXT. PEE SPRING SALOON - DAY
Slim, along with a group of angry placard-holding women,
gather outside the Pee. The banners read: “Alcohol, the Spawn
of the Devil”, “Women for Abolition”, “Ban Alcohol”, “Women
have rights”, “Board up the Pee”, etc. Whisky hitches Pepper
and is about to enter the saloon.
WHISKY
(to demonstrators)
Ain’t you fine women got nothing
better to do?
A bent-double, old lady, MA DIGGER, (80s), a feisty old
broad, and MOTHER of undertaker/parson, Slim Digger, follows
Whisky up the stairs whacking him with her walking cane.
MA DIGGER
Bloody heathen!.. Go on, piss off!
Whisky breaks the fourth wall.
TO CAMERA.
WHISKY
Suffrage, abolitionists, and them,
bleedin’ sunny day, do-gooders?...
(chuckles)
Most of ‘em, pissed off before they
even knew why they was pissed off...
Nine-tenths of them won’t even see out
the winter... God preserve us.
Genres:
["Comedy","Western"]
Ratings
Scene
7 -
Boardwalk Banter
EXT. SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS
DORIS, a chubby, unattractive HESHE with facial hair, (late
20s), walks down the boardwalk wearing a full-length woman's
dress, bustle, and bonnet. Whisky doffs his hat.
WHISKY
How’s yer monthly's, Dor?
HESHE
Piss off, Whisk.
WHISKY
Just enquiring?
(chuckles)
How’s it hanging?
HESHE
(camp and irritated)
A little to the left of center, last
time I looked.
WHISKY
Them shoes don’t look to comfy, girl.
HESHE
You wanna try trolling around in this
friggin’ corset all day, love... It’s
chaffing me bits something awful...
WHISKY
Oh well, son, ya pays ya money,
yeah?.. You have yourself a nice day
now.
The Heshe wiggles off, mumbling.
WHISKY TO CAMERA.
WHISKY
Ya might ask what’s a character like
that was doin’ in a town like this...
Well, given the lack of female company
that ain’t out there floggin’ their
wares. This Heshe provides an
admirable service to the less
discernin’ among ‘em.
Whisky kneels to remove some horse droppings from his boot
picks up a handful of dirt and rubs it through his hands
WHISKY
Here in Mills, you can be whoever, or
whatever you wanna be, but there’s a
rule ya don’t break... Don’t mess with
no one’s woman or steal no man’s gold,
‘cause if ya do, ya gonna have to run
like fuck ‘cause you ain’t gonna be
acquirin’ a whole lot of benevolence.
Genres:
["Western","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
8 -
A Game of Chance
EXT. PEE SPRING SALOON - CONTINUOUS
Whisky stands, crosses the street, climbs the steps, and
enters the Pee.
INT. PEE SPRING SALOON - CONTINUOUS
He throws open the swing doors; they immediately swing back,
but Whisky, being dwarflike, is aware of the trap, ducks, and
the doors swing past him. Whisky, now jubilant, shouts.
WHISKY
Bartender!.. Whisky!
A drifter enters, and unaware of Whisky, watches as the doors
swing back and hit Whisky square in the ass. He falls, but
quickly gets up and walks toward the bar.
WHISKY TO CAMERA.
WHISKY
The Pee Spring Saloon, the last
bastion of decadence. Gaming, the odd
live entertainment, and a slew of
first-floor rooms where young ladies
work their magic. Whatever you want...
It’s available at the Pee.
Many cowpokes, drifters, and the like, hang out telling tall
tales of Indian raids and gold strikes to various
disinterested, but attentive, working gals.
The proprietor of the Pee, DAKOTA DAVIS (40s), a well-dressed
dude, stands at the bar studying Angel who sits at a table.
INT. PEE SPRING SALOON/ANGELS TABLE - CONTINUOUS
Angles frock coat with ruffled shirt wrists protruding from
the coat sleeves is a fancy hombre.
WHISKY TO CAMERA.
WHISKY
Now the dude at the card table -
CLOSE-IN: “ON ANGEL”
WHISKY
- that’s the shootist, Angel Halo -
INT. PEE SPRING SALOON/BAR - CONTINUOUS
Whisky hit a shot of whisky.
WHISKY
- and I gotta tell you, he's one hell
of a card player. He allegedly shot
three men dead during a poker game in
Deadwood before being chased out of
town and opening the Shite-Shave-n-
Shine Emporium, the barberin’ learned
from his father.
Angel, a smarty-dressed gent, shuffles cards as he plays with
three other men. He turns his head and gives a lazy salute.
WHISKY
That dude, he don't gamble; he’s just
an artist, a pleasure to watch. They
might as well just give him all their
goods... Lambs to the slaughter.
Genres:
["Western","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
9 -
A Toast to Mills Crossing
INT. PEE SPRING SALOON/BAR - CONTINUOUS
Behind the bar is the burly bartender, TOOTHLESS (50’s). He
is weighing out gold dust and exchanging the dust for PEE
SPRING, HOUSE DOLLARS.
WHISKY TO CAMERA.
WHISKY
The gold dust ya see being exchanged
for Pee Greenbacks was the brainchild
of Dakota to stop the girls and
dealers from pocketing dust that don’t
belong to them. The punters can
exchange them back for gold dust at
the end of the night.
(chuckles)
Well, that’s the rumor.
Whisky throws some coins on the bar.
WHISKY
Give us a bottle, Toothless.
Toothless hands Whisky a bottle of whisky.
AGAIN TO CAMERA.
WHISKY
(points)
Dakota over there, the one smoking the
fat cigar -
INT. PEE SPRING SALOON/END OF BAR - CONTINUOUS
Dakota Davis gives a lazy salute to camera.
WHISKY (O.S.)
- is the proprietor and my occasional
benefactor. The two burly morons in
close proximity, are Spick, and Span,
the dumb as ya like bar ejectors.
SPICK and SPAN move over to two drunks who are hassling some
of the girls and frog march them out.
INT. PEE SPRING SALOON/BAR - CONTINUOUS
Whisky continues.
WHISKY
So... There you have it, folks: Mills
Crossing, a town frequented by
desperadoes, down-on-their-luck
drifters, and work-weary miners.
Milles only redeeming feature is its
God-fearing widows and prayer-lovin’
settlers.
Whisky raises his glass.
WHISKY
Sláinte.
EXT. PEE SPRINGS SALOON/HITCHING POST - DAY
Whisky stuffs the bottle of whisky in his saddle bag, turns
and mounts Pepper, and starts to trot out of town.
EXT. OUTSKIRTS OF TOWN - DAY
Whisky walks Pepper towards a mountain stream.
WHISKY TO CAMERA.
WHISKY
I’ve often had me a notion to
wonder...
(MORE)
WHISKY (CONT’D)
Is Mills a town at the beginning of
the end, or -- is it a town near the
end of the beginning?.. Interesting
quandary, eh?
Genres:
["Western","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
10 -
Echoes of Despair
EXT. LONG KNIFE CREEK/CROW BURIAL SITE - DAY
Whisky dismounts and picks up an old broken arrow.
WHISKY TO CAMERA.
WHISKY
This puts me in mind of something I
saw carved on an old Injun’s grave. It
was written in Apsáalooke, but the
translation went something like this:
“Many voices speak of greatness, only
man with straight tongue, speak
truth.”
(he ponders for a moment)
Somethin’ poetic about them words...
Ain’t got a clue what they mean, but
they sure is poetic.
Whisky follows the shallows of a stream to where weary MINERS
pan for gold. JETHRO, a gaunt-faced man, shouts to other
MINERS.
JETHRO
Breakin’ out, here, boys -- all I got
is a whole load of nothin’!.. And
nothin’ ain’t workin’ for me no
more...
MINERS
(ad-libs)
I hear ya, Jeth... I’m done... Me,
too... Ain’t even enough to feed the
critter, let alone the young'un’s...
JETHRO
(sees, Whisky)
Hey, partner.
WHISKY
How’s it hangin’, Jethro?
JETHRO
Ahh... All I got is blacked-out toes,
a back so outta whack I can’t even
straighten up no more...
MINER
(shouts)
And for what?
JETHRO
Ain’t nothin’ left in these God-
forsaken mountains Whisk; reckon we
got beat. Time we moved on.
WHISKY
I hear ya.
The rest of the miners discard their shovels and pans and
step out of the stream. Whisky hands a bottle of whisky to
Jethro, Jethro takes a swig and hands it back...
WHISKY
Stay lucky, feller’s.
Whisky rides off.
EXT. MOUNTAIN PASS/NARROW ROCKY TRAIL - LATER THAT DAY
Whisky with a freshly caught ELK strung across Pepper’s neck,
sings as he swigs from the now, near-empty bottle.
WHISKY
(SINGS)
...GWINE TO RUN ALL NIGHT! GWINE TO
RUN ALL DAY! I’LL BET MY MONEY ON DE
BOB-TAIL NAG, SOMEBODY BET ON DE BAY.
OH, DE CAMPTOWN LADIES SING DIS SONG,
DOO-DAH! DOO-DAH! DE CAMPTOWN RACE-
TRACK FIVE MILES LONG, DO-DAH...
He stops as he spots smoke rising from a distant shack.
WHISKY
Jesus!.. The Gröber place.
EXT. MONTANA MOUNTAINS/GRÖBER’S SHACK - DAY
Whisky, leading Pepper, enters the smoldering ruin. Arrows
protrude from the exterior door and walls. In a nearby barn,
the charred remains of a longhorn and house dog. Whisky
dismounts and reads a fallen plaque that sits by the stone
fireplace.
CLOSE-IN ON PLAQUE:
“You can destroy my home, my dignity, my way of life, but you
will never kill my spirit or my reason for living. Sweet
Jesus, I pray you hear my words.“
WHISKY
(to Pepper)
Guess he never got to know what them
spiritual words meant, ay, Pepper...
The man was a true dreamer.
Whisky spots the charred body of, HANZ GRÖBER, who has been
savagely beaten and scalped.
WHISKY
Poor, bastard.
Genres:
["Western","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
11 -
A Grave Reflection
EXT. HILLSIDE GRAVE - LATER
Whisky, shoveling dirt, continues the dig. Pepper moves
across and starts to lick Gröber’s scalped head.
WHISKY
Jesus! What kind of a bozo are ya- the
poor bastard ain’t even cold yet.
EXT. GRAVESIDE - LATER
Whisky, having buried Hanz, removes his hat, and looks to the
heavens.
WHISKY
Lord... I ain’t much for literal
speakin’, but here’s the best I got...
Lord, here lies the body of Hanz
Gröber, a Germanic man of God who
broke his back day in and day out to
mine nothin’ but petrified horseshit --
a man who never swore, spoke, or
understood, a word of English, but
survived, plague, pestilence, and,
until recently, Injun raids...
An EAGLE circles, high in the heavens.
WHISKY
- not withstandin’, he’d charge miners
from all over just to come and
rubberneck his pretty, and I have to
say, well-endowed young wife as she
conducted her nightly ablutions under
the stars -
(Whisky musses)
(MORE)
WHISKY (CONT’D)
- hmm -- I wonder what happened to
her?
He looks up -- the Eagle craps. The droppings land on
Gröber’s hat.
WHISKY
(looking up)
Is this a sign, Lord?..
(back to the grave)
Gröber... He was a tower of strength,
dependable, forthright, a man of
courage and respectability,
unfortunately -- he couldn't mine
worth a shit.
Whisky hammers a makeshift cross and lays Gröber’s crap
stained hat on the mound along with the empty whisky bottle.
He continues his eulogy.
WHISKY
Ain’t no one gonna miss ya, Hanz -- ya
died as ya lived, dreamin’ of riches,
but ending up, beaten and charred,
with a head resemblin’ the rear-end of
a baboon’s ass... Stay lucky,
partner... Pepper, come... We’re outta
here.
He mounts up and turns Pepper towards town as the howl of a
lone WOLF reverberates through the mountains along with
distant war cries and sounds of gunfire.
Genres:
["Western","Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
12 -
Defending the Mine and the Town's Legacy
EXT. FINKLESTEIN/DOLAN MINE - MILLS MOUNTAIN - DAY
Two disheveled old miners, EZRA FINKLESTEIN, and FINBAH DOLAN
both unable to straighten up due to mine working, they both
have long white hair and beards.
The miners cower in a mine entrance fighting off a mounted
Crow attack. Ezra ignites a stick of dynamite and tosses it
toward the Indians.
EZRA
Prepare to meet thy maker, you heathen
bastards!
The dynamite tumbles through the air and lands at the base of
a steep rock face. The explosion blasts large chunks of rock
flying through the air. The Indians panic and disperse.
Ezra walks from the mine entrance and picks up a large piece
of, BRIGHT GREEN ROCK.
EZRA
What the...
Whisky rides into view, he calls to Ezra.
WHISKY
Hey, Ezra, you forget to tend to the
proclamation?
EZRA
Nah, we’re on it... Finbah, go get the
tools.
Ezra throws the rock in the back of the wagon.
WHISKY
What’s with the green rock, Ezz?
EZRA
Beats me, I’ll get Dolan to send it to
Chicago for analysis.
EXT. TOWN LIMITS/STONE PROCLAMATION - DUSK
Whisky, Ezra, and Finbah dismount in front of an old,
dilapidated stone structure. Whisky wipes the dust from the
stonework's face. Ezra begins to repair the wooden surround,
while Finbah arranges the large stones that serve as the
stand's foundation.
EZRA
Ain’t looking too good, Whisk.
WHISKY
Finbah, in my saddlebag, there’s some
clothes.
Finbah searches the saddlebag.
FINBAH
Ya gonna polish this thing?
EZRA
This thing, ye heathen, is the town’s
cenotaph, an ode to life!
FINBAH
(mockingly)
Halle-fuckin’-lujah.
EZRA
Watch yer mouth, Fin, the proclamation
is sacrosanct, the work of the Creator
himself.
Finbah laughs.
EZRA
I’m tellin’ ya, the good Lord sent an
angel to Delush who...
FINBAH
DELUSH?
WHISKY
Delush Stucklebuck, the pioneer that
founded the town with old man Mills.
It was one of his angels that guided
Deluch’s hand to chisel the stone...
Finbah, sarcastically, in full Irish accent.
FINBAH
And this angel -- did he have a name?
EZRA
Not a name, but a prophecy -- a
prophecy that guided the hand of
Deluch.
FINBAH
What, like on Mount Sinai?
WHISKY
Some, but without the bells and
whistles.
FINBAH
Go on?
EZRA
It was decreed that the proclamation
must never be defamed, destroyed, or
removed, otherwise, the town and all
things around it, would be swallowed-
up, and forever burn in the fiery
depths of hell.
FINBAH
And them pioneers, they believed this
shit, yeah?
WHISKY
Finbah -- this shit, as you like to
call it, still bonds folks round these
parts.
FINBAH
Really?
WHISKY
A labor of love, chiseled by Deluch
after he was near-blinded by a golden
eagle, some say, an eagle of the Lord.
FINBAH
Argh... Go on.
EZRA
The story goes that after completing
the proclamation, old Deluch, carrying
a half bottle of whisky on the hip,
was in the mine concluding his morning
ablutions -
DISSOLVE TO:
Genres:
["Western","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
13 -
Dynamite Dilemma
INT. THE STUCKLEBUCK MINE - DAY (FLASHBACK)
Deluch sits on a bucket, his pants down around his ankles. On
a makeshift box table, barely visible in the dim light, is a
stick of dynamite and a large cigar.
EZRA (V.O.)
- he felt a presence, so went to clean
himself -
Ezra speaks in an eerie manner.
EZRA (V.O.)
- the lamp, mysteriously extinguished
itself and left Delush fumbling around
in the dark trying to find the bottle -
FINBAH (V.O.)
And then?
EZRA (V.O.)
- and then, a moment of peace came
over him, he swore he heard a chorus
of angels.
END FLASHBACK.
BACK TO SCENE.
EXT. STONE PROCLAMATION - CONTINUOUS
Ezra and Whisky take a serine stance. Finbah breaks the
moment.
FINBAH
What was they singing?
Ezra takes off his floppy hat and beats down on Finbah.
EZRA
How the fuck should I know what they
was singing? But, Ezra thought it was
divine intervention.
FINBAH
Then what?
INT. MINE - CONTINUOUS - (FLASHBACK)
Ezra speaks quietly, as if it’s a secret.
EZRA (V.O.)
He prayed, prayed real hard, then,
without thinking, struck a match, and,
WHOOSH!..
EVERYONE JUMPS
EZRA
Deluch lit the dynamite mistaking it
for the cigar!.. Flames, debris, and
clouds of dust flew from the mine’s
entrance, and all that was left was a
smoldering boot, the ass end of his
long johns, and an exploded cigar.
END FLASHBACK.
BACK TO SCENE.
Genres:
["Western","Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
14 -
Divine Defecation
EXT. TOWN LIMITS/THE PROCLAMATION - CONTINUOUS
Finbah looks at Ezra and Whisky, and laughs.
FINBAH
If yer man’s strewn all over Montana,
how come you know all this shit?
Whisky looks at Ezra, and they both cross themselves.
EZRA
His words were enacted by a Crow
soothsayer.
FINBAH
(chuckles)
Jaysus, a soothsayer?.. Are ya outta
yer friggin’ minds?
WHISKY
They found an ear, nose, and the
business end of his Weiner, twenty
feet into the mine.
FINBAH
And?
WHISKY
He was touched by the hand of God.
FINBAH
Touched by a stick of friggin’
dynamite, so he was.
WHISKY
The oracle spoke of a golden eagle; an
eagle that brought the word.
FINBAH
And the word, was?
WHISKY/EZRA
The Proclamation!
FINBAH
So... Just for me own -- yer know,
sanity. Am I right in thinkin’ we got
ourselves some kind of heavenly choir,
an exploding cigar, an angel of the
Lord, and an illiterate eejit who
chiseled, while chuggin’ on a jug of
whisky, and I’m supposed to believe
this shit, yeah?
WHISKY
You’re a heathen, Finbah.
FINBAH
I’m tellin’ ya, I’m a realist.
EZRA
Realist, or not. All but one of the
pioneers got together, and a
mysterious elderly Injun woman donated
a small box. Then along with the
soothsayer, they buried what was left
of Deluch under this proclamation.
The choir stops abruptly. Whisky looks around, bewildered.
Ezra and Finbah continue to steady the base of the
proclamation.
WHISKY
Did ya hear that?
EZRA/FINBAH
What?
WHISKY
The voices?
EZRA
You been at that bottle again?
Whisky shrugs his shoulders.
WHISKY
Finbah, this here stone is the
prospector’s bible, they rub it each
time they pass, just to bring ‘em
luck...
FINBAH
(chuckles)
Guess no one told ‘em Deluch’s Wiener
story, ay?
A low, rumbling noise is heard, and the ground shakes, then,
from out of the parting clouds, a shaft of blinding light
shines on the proclamation. In the distance, the wind appears
to play a haunting melody.
CLOSE-IN ON: “THE PROCLAMATION”.
A deep, BIBLICAL VOICE, disseminates the words of the
proclamation whilst a pencil type beam of light highlights
the words as the VOICE speaks.
VOICE
"Today has been a liftime - yesturday,
a distant blessing that brought you to
today - and tomorrow -- a dreem you
dare not dreem, cos if you dreem it
right - then you have heard the word
of the Lord”
The light slowly retracts and disappears behind the clouds.
Ezra dusts off the proclamation.
EZRA
Old Deluch's spellin’ weren’t too
clever, but his sentiments were solid.
A loud SQUAWK is heard, Whisky, Ezra and Finbah all look to
the heavens. A golden eagle, its wings spread in a majestic
gesture, circles overhead.
WHISKY
Could it be a sigh?
With a loud, SQUAWK, the eagle craps all over Finbah.
A flat-back wagon pulls up. A bedraggled, dust-covered young
woman, CHA-CHA BELIZE, (19), sits with her legs dangling from
the flatbed. Dakota and Angel move to help her down from the
wagon.
Cha-Cha, whose ample cha-chas, unsupported, appear to be
solid as a rock, dusts herself down.
ANGEL
And who do we have here?
CHA-CHA
Cha-Cha Belize, boys...
Continues to pat herself down.
CHA-CHA
Cha-Cha-rin’ for the pleasurin’ of men
and the ultimate gratification of
lonely hombres.
(still dusting)
So -- how’s it hangin’?
ANGEL
Just fine, Missy, just fine.
CHA-CHA
Well -
Checking out Dakota and Angel.
CHA-CHA
- don’t you boys look fashionably
dapper? Would it be presumptuous to
inquire if you good-lookin’ young
fellers are in the business of
pleasurin’ each other?
DANDY DAN ANGEL
Huh? What?
CHA-CHA
No offense, boys, just enquirin’.
ANGEL
All men, girly.
DAKOTA
You bet yer sweet ass!
CHA-CHA
Well then -
(pushing up her breasts)
- maybe you’d like to cha-cha with
these two hungry puppies?
ANGEL
Well, er...
CHA-CHA
No, well-er’s, baby, all ya need is a
whole chunk of change.
ANGEL
You do realize, this is Dakota, the
main man of the Pee.
CHA-CHA
(confused)
Man-man of the pee, huh?..
(MORE)
CHA-CHA (CONT’D)
Well -- ain’t that somethin’. Don’t
faze me none though, boys.
Perversions, is perversions,
submersions, reversions, insertions,
and any other, ershions, you wanna
partake in, is hunky-dory by me...
DAKOTA/ANGEL
What!
CHA-CHA
Just as long as it ain’t, conversions,
cause I ain’t up for no preachin’ or
rehabilitation, so, boys, ante up and
fill ya boots.
Slim the undertaker, and soon-to-be PREACHER, walks by. He
smiles at Cha-Cha, and doffs his hat.
SLIM
Ma’am.
CHA-CHA
Well, hi there, handsome.
ANGEL
(quietly to Dakota)
This one’s gonna make you a shit-load
of money.
DAKOTA
Ain’t that the truth.
(to Cha-Cha)
Step inside, honey, Celeste’ll show
you the ropes.
Cha-Cha curtsies and enters the saloon.
Genres:
["Comedy","Western"]
Ratings
Scene
16 -
Elk and Flirtation
EXT. PEE SPRING SALOON - MAIN STREET - DAY
Dakota and Angel sit on rockers on the veranda. Whisky rides
into town, rains back Pepper, then shouts to Dakota.
WHISKY
Where do you want this, Elk, boss?
DAKOTA
Take it around the back and give it to
Toothless.
WHISKY
You wanna fund me?
DAKOTA
Tell him to stand you a couple of
bottles.
WHISKY
Much obliged.
EXT. REAR OF THE PEE SPRING SALOON - DAY
Cha-Cha stands at the back door smoking a cheroot. Whisky
starts to untie the elk.
CHA-CHA
Hi, big boy.
WHISKY
Hey, pretty lady.
He struggles to lift the elk.
WHISKY
You new in town?
CHA-CHA
Ah-ha.
WHISKY
What’s yer name?
CHA-CHA
Cha-Cha.
WHISKY
Well, nice to see some new blood.
CHA-CHA
Ya want I should give you a hand?
WHISKY
Nah, I got it.
CHA-CHA
One of my specialties -- dealing with
big hairy things.
Whisky laughs and shakes his head.
WHISKY
Got the inclination, Hun, but the old
pecker ain’t peckin’ like it used to.
She uplifts her enormous breasts.
CHA-CHA
Maybe, something to nibble on?
WHISKY
Oh, Momma!
CHA-CHA
Bet you ain’t never experienced
Mazzola’s like these before?
WHISKY
As nice as them, whatever you wanna
call ‘em, are, honey? I wouldn’t have
a clue what to do with ‘em.
CHA-CHA
I could cut ya a special deal.
WHISKY
The old boy’s pecker is plumb peckered
out, stay lucky.
CHA-CHA
I intend to.
Cha-Cha watches as Slim rounds the corner and starts to climb
the Pee’s exterior staircase. He appears not to see Whisky.
WHISKY
(shouts)
Slim?
SLIM
(shocked)
Whisky... Ahh, yes, good morning. Just
proceeding to my early morning Bible
class.
WHISKY
(chuckles)
- and the band played.
CHA-CHA
(to Whisky)
Maybe some other time, hmm?
WHISKY
Ya think?
Cha-Cha follows Slim up the staircase.
WHISKY
(laughs)
Not after that Slim’s filled his
boots?.. Dirty bastard.
Cha-Cha and Slim enter the Pee and pull the door shut.
WHISKY
(to Pepper)
Ya reckon, ecclesiastical rights is
being administered, boy?
He chuckles as he drags the elk into the Pee’s back door.
Genres:
["Western","Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
17 -
Corporate Greed and Confrontation
EXT. CHICAGO MINING AND ACQUISITIONS CORP (C-MAC) - DAY
The frosted glass on the double doors reads. “THE CHICAGO
MINING AND ACQUISITIONS CORPORATION”.
INT. C-MAC/BOARDROOM - DAY
Chief Executive, CHARLES HEINDRICK, sits at the head of the
conference table, around him are the EXECUTIVES of C-MAC.
HEINDRICK
- gentlemen, I’ve called a halt to
production at Petersfield, and
Thrailand. I’ve had no option but to
shut both sites down.
Mumbling’s amongst the executives.
EXECUTIVE #1
What about sub-contracting?
HEINDRICK
Expenditures would far outweigh
expected revenue.
EXECUTIVE #3
So what are our options, Charles?
The Security and Acquisitions Manager, PETER PHIEBS, stands.
PHIEBS
Sir, the recent, Mills survey.
EXECUTIVE #4
Mills?
HEINDRICK
Mills Crossing, a small mining
community high in the Montana
mountains.
EXECUTIVE #3
And?
HEINDRICK
We sent a team up there to report on a
sample of green rock. We received the
analysis back, confirmed a high
density of chalcocite.
EXECUTIVE #3
Do we have a figure?
HEINDRICK
In excess of sixty percent.
EXECUTIVE #2
Whoa!... Have the geologists
confirmed?
HEINDRICK
Yes, but there’s a downside...
EXECUTIVE #3
I don’t see a downside, Charlie, it’s
sixty plus.
HEINDRICK
There’s a problem with extraction and
accessibility, the ore would need to
pass through a narrow gorge...
EXECUTIVE #2
And?
HEINDRICK
We’d need to blast the mountainsides
to create adequate access. We’d
destroy the environment.
EXECUTIVE #3
Screw the environment, we’re in the
business of mining, let’s go mine.
EXECUTIVE #4
I’m for that.
ALL
(ad-libs)
Absolutely... Affirmative... Etc.
EXECUTIVE #3
Send in Daley, it’s about time he
earned his keep.
EXECUTIVE #5
Agreed.
TOM DALEY, a big, evil looking man, enters.
HEINDRICK
(to Daley)
Tom -- the Mills Crossing discovery?
DALEY
We’ve already checked it out, and
Stretch spoke to the elder Indian
chief, Eagle Claw.
HEINDRICK
And?
DALEY
There are problems. The towns fairly
well established, miners, settlers,
women, and kids, we’d need to clear
the site.
HEINDRICK
Is it possible?
EXECUTIVE #3
Ain’t no omelet’s without breaking
eggshells?
DALEY
What the fuck does that mean?
EXECUTIVE #3
Making money, asshole!
Daley stares at the executive.
DALEY
(menacingly)
Sometimes, friend, there’s a line you
shouldn’t cross.
EXECUTIVE #3
Fuck you!
Daley crosses to Executive #3 picks him up and holds him over
his head and throws the Executive through the closed window.
EXECUTIVE #3 (O.S.)
Ahhhhh... Just saying.
Daley turns to Heindrick.
DALEY
What if they’re not willing to move?
HEINDRICK
Then you persuade them.
DALEY,
Fair means, or foul?
EXECUTIVE #2
I’m sure you can be persuasive.
EXECUTIVE #4
Daley, you’re a closer, just close.
Daley makes to leave the room.
HEINDRICK
One second, Tom: Discreetly if
possible, we don’t want anyone knowing
our business, use the exhibition ploy
if necessary.
DALEY
Got it.
CLOSE-UP ON DALEY.
FREEZE FRAME:
WHISKY (V.O.)
Now you could be forgiven for
wondering: What has this C-MAC lot got
to do with our story? Well, all the
folks in Mills have one thing in
common: they’re all first-generation,
pioneers and homesteaders and don't
respect no one who comes bullying or
bullshittin’. But soon, they’re gonna
be asked to make a choice, fight for
your beliefs and your right to be who
you wanna be, or, be subjected to the
evils and greed of corporate America.
UNFREEZE:
INT. C-MAC/DALEY’S OFFICE - CHICAGO - DAY
Six mean-looking hombres stand in line facing Daley. He walks
around, looking them up and down before sitting at his desk.
DALEY
Okay, boys, hears the deal. We secure
locations quickly and for as little
remittance as possible. You're being
paid on results. Are we clear?
REGULATORS
(ad-libs)
Sir... Got it... Etc.
DALEY
Good, let’s go.
Genres:
["Western","Corporate Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
18 -
Cane and Conflict
EXT. SLIM DIGGER FUNERAL DIRECTORS - DAY
Old Ma Digger struggles with a walking cane as she is
unwillingly escorted across the street by her now, Seventh-day
Adventist son, Slim.
SLIM
Hurry now, Mother, there’s a good gal.
MA DIGGER
Good gal? Unhand me, you moron!
SLIM
Ma, you need to respect my station.
MA
The only station you’re gonna see is
the coffin’ they’ll carry you off in.
You spineless flea-bag!
Slim, looking around, embarrassed at his mother’s tirade.
SLIM
Mother!
MA
You couldn't just be happy burying the
bastards; you had to make sure they
was planted while singing some kind of
seventh-day evangelistic, hallelujah.
SLIM
Mother, please!
MA
You’re dear old Pa, God rest his soul.
I told him. “Get the boy ropin’ and
rustlin’ doggies”, and what do you end
up doin’?.. Diggin’ and friggin’
prayin’.
Ma digs in her cane into the street, and slugs Slim square on
the chin, Slim falls in the dirt. Ma shouts.
MA DIGGER
If I want to buy me a porn mag or some
female accouterments, I will, and you
ain’t gonna stop me! You got that, ya
stinkin’ faggot!
SLIM
(looks up)
But...
MA DIGGER
But, nothing, ya poor excuse for a
stick insect.
The ensemble townsfolk cheer. Ma Digger shuffles back across
the street mumbling.
MA DIGGER
Can’t even walk down the bloody street
without being accosted by that son of
mine, get’s on ya bloody nerves. I
don’t know, friggin’ idiot...
Whisky rides in and sees Ma hobbling across the road. He
doffs his hat.
WHISKY
Ma.
MA
Fuck off.
He watches as she disappears into the General Store.
WHISKY
So much for the milk of human
kindness?
Genres:
["Comedy","Western"]
Ratings
Scene
19 -
Ma Digger's Stand
EXT. MILLS CROSSING/GENERAL STORE - DAY
Whisky hitches Pepper outside the store and enters.
INT. MILLS CROSSING/GENERAL STORE - DAY
He removes his hat and witnesses the ensuing encounter.
Old Ma Digger scans a pamphlet. The store owner, HENDRA,
(early 40s) a Southern gal, assists a customer.
HENDRA
(shouts)
I’ll be there directly, Ma.
MA DIGGER
(to Hendra)
Take yer time, Hen, got me no place to
go that’s worth going.
The customer served and exited, Hendra ambles over. Ma points
to an advert for ladies’ accouterments.
MA DIGGER
Ya got any of them?
HENDRA
(feigning, embarrassment)
Why Ma, I do declare, I am distressed
that you might think that I, a fellow
of the “widow of the West”, would
accommodate such...
MA DIGGER
Cap-it, Hendra, we all got needs, and
I ain’t up for no sermon...
Hendra looks around and leans into, Ma Digger.
HENDRA
(sheepishly)
You still get urges?
MA DIGGER
Urges?.. Jesus, woman, I got
motherfuckin’ bells clangin’...
Ma holds out the pamphlet.
MA DIGGER
You got somethin’ under that counter
of yourn?
Hendra turns the page and points to an article.
HENDRA
No -- but I got me one of them.
MA DIGGER
Ya do?.. Heavens!..
(whispers)
Ya still runnin’ that -- satisfaction
or return, policy?
HENDRA
Right up, through spring.
The door is kicked open, and a drunken DRIFTER enters the
store, he says nothing, just walks behind the counter and
grabs a box of shells. He crosses back to the door and
attempts to leave. Ma Digger moves to cover the exit.
MA DIGGER
You reckon on payin’ for them shells,
boy.
DRIFTER
Move yer ass, lady.
MA DIGGER
Put ‘em back.
DRIFTER
Take a hike!
Ma Digger takes her stick and beats the drifter to the
ground.
DRIFTER
(cowering)
Whoa, whoa, whoa! -- what the fuc...
MA DIGGER
Ya think you can fuck with me, you
shit-kickin’, poor excuse for horse-
manure!
FREEZE FRAME.
ON MA DIGGER.
WHISKY TO CAMERA.
WHISKY
(chuckles)
She’s at it again, old, Ma Digger
beating the crap outta some poor
drifter.
(MORE)
WHISKY (CONT’D)
Ma is the patron of the Protestant and
holier-than-thou, “Widows of the
West,” and head of the town council,
and needless to say, one mother of a
mother.
UNFREEZE.
The drifter gets up and skedaddles out the door. Whisky
follows and joins some settlers as they make their way to the
church.
Genres:
["Western","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
20 -
The Preacher's Invitation
EXT. TIMBER FRAMED, HOUSE OF THE LORD - DAY
A small congregation enters the ramshackle building.
AGAIN WHISKY TO CAMERA.
WHISKY
Yeah, them widows -- most of ‘em still
grievin’ after their kin got
slaughtered in the Comanche wars.
Anyway, they had themselves a meeting
and decided the town needed a servant
of the Lord, so without too much
fussin’, they engaged the services of
this horn-ball Preacher from Wyoming,
Benjamin Desirus -
INT. CHURCH - DAY
BENJAMIN DESIRUS, good-looking, (late 30’s), welcomes the
congregation. Whisky, sidelined, leans by the pulpit.
FREEZE FRAME.
CLOSE-UP: “FACE OF BENJAMIN DESIRUS”
WHISKY TO CAMERA.
WHISKY (V.O.)
- what they never realized was that
Benjamin weren’t what ya might call,
the holiest of the holies. He claimed
to be a Protestant, but to fill his
collection plate he’ll be a
Presbyterian, Pentecostalist, Muslim,
Jew, or even a Buddhist.
UNFREEZE FRAME:
Benjamin moves to the pulpit.
BETTY
Brethren, we shall prey.
The congregation bows their heads in silent contemplation.
WHISKY TO CAMERA.
WHISKY
The man was a charlatan, referred to
Sodom and Gomorrah and other such
biblical enactments as the Good
Lord’s, eroticism and
manifestations?.. Go figure?
Benjamin focusses on MARY-LOO, (19), a young girl with a
generously developed body. He beckons for her to join him.
BENJAMIN
A moment, my child, we shall dwell on
a moment of singular contemplation.
He signals for the young parishioner to join him in the
vestry.
BENJAMIN
Your name?
MARY-LOO
Mary-Loo Chastity, sir.
BENJAMIN
Mary Loo -- this way, child?
Benjamin holds open the door... Mary-Loo smiles as she
passes.
BENJAMIN
(to congregation)
Meditate in prayer, brethren, I have a
need to discover the depths of this
young lady’s devotion.
ALL
Amen.
Genres:
["Comedy","Western","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
21 -
Divine Manipulation
INT. CHURCH VESTRY - DAY
Benjamin and Mary, enter the small, darkened room, he turns,
and cups Mary’s face in his hands.
BENJAMIN
You must allow the Good Lord, passage
to your personage, child.
(MORE)
BENJAMIN (CONT’D)
Allow exploration of your naivety and
the wonders of your joy.
MARY-LOO
How might I do that, Preacher?
BENJAMIN
Allow me.
The preacher gently turns Mary, bends her over the table to
face a picture of the crucified Christ, hitches up her frock-
then unbuckles his pants.
BENJAMIN
The Lord moves in mysterious ways,
child! Brace yourself.
MARY-LOO
Huh?.. Whoa!
He then proceeds to educate her in the ways of begetting.
BENJAMIN
Let your innocence discharge the
natural flowance, and let your all, be
filled with discoveries of --
(a moment of ejaculation)
- ooh, ahh...
MARY-LOO
- discoveries of, ooh, ahh, Preacher?
BENJAMIN
My child -- the Lord has provided!
MARY-LOO
Is the Lord within me, Preacher?
BENJAMIN
You have no idea, do you feel the
warmth of his being?
MARY-LOO
Yes, Preacher, I do.
BENJAMIN
Then consider yourself, fulfilled.
MARY-LOO
Amen... AMEN!
BENJAMIN
Words of this most holy interaction
must never pass your lips, my child --
the Lord must stay, incognito and
incommunicado.
MARY-LOO
Incommuni, what?
BENJAMIN
Sequestered, child -- the Lord as
spoken.
MARY-LOO
Praise be, the Lord!
BENJAMIN
Ain’t that, the way of it?
Benjamin adjusts his clothing, then guides Mary-Loo back into
the church.
WHISKY TO CAMERA.
WHISKY
Yeah, that Preacher was a fireball,
all right, athletic? Wow, he sure
knew how to extoll virtues with them,
innocent young fillies.
Genres:
["Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
22 -
The Preacher's Charade
INT. MAKESHIFT CHURCH - CONTINUOUS
Mary-Loo returns to her guardians, a look of angelic
rejuvenation fills her face. Her kinfolk smile serenely.
CLOSE-UP: “MARY-LOO AND HER KINFOLK”
The whole congregation in unison with Mary-Loo and family, are
seen to smile serenely.
WHISKY TO CAMERA.
WHISKY (V.O.)
You can’t make this shit up, can ya?
Benjamin continues.
BENJAMIN
Brethren, I have administered my
teachings to this naïve sinner, showed
her the ways of the Lord, his message,
although subjective, will transgress
any immoral thoughts.
(MORE)
BENJAMIN (CONT’D)
All exculpatory imperfectionalities
are now emphatically expunged.
OLD MAN
(to his wife)
Huh?
The wife shrugs her shoulders...
BENJAMIN
We will now sing the joyous hymn, “Oh
Happy Day”.
The congregation sings, as Benjamin ushers them towards the
doors.
BENJAMIN
May each of your days be filled with
joy, excretion, and just rewards.
WHISKY
They never even understood the word,
excretion... The sad, melee-mouth
morons.
Whisky stands by the church hitching post dusting off his hat
as the congregation leaves. The girls giggle as they pass
Benjamin.
WHISKY LOOKS TO CAMERA.
WHISKY (V.O.)
As the weeks went by, that horny
bastard managed to avail himself of
most of them young fillies. Went
through ‘em like a plague of locusts,
just couldn't keep it in his pants.
LUCINDA LOOFAH, (20’s), the wife of the blacksmiths, exits
the church and smiles. Benjamin’s eyes widen.
WHISKY TO CAMERA.
WHISKY (V.O.)
That’s before he managed to
straddle Lucinda Loofah, the
Blacksmith’s old lady... Silly
bastard went and got himself
hooked.
IRIS OUT TO
BLACK.
SUPER: “ACT TWO, THE SUBJUGATION”
IRIS IN.
Genres:
["Comedy","Western","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
23 -
Flaming Tensions at the Pee Spring Saloon
EXT. MAIN STREET - DAY
The C-MAC Regulators enter the town. All wear, off-white
dusters and, straw weathered Stetsons’. They tie their horses
to the hitch rail, check out the street, then saunter into
the saloon.
INT. PEE SPRING SALOON - MILLS CROSSING - DAY
Toothless is weighing out gold dust as he exchanges the dust
for house dollar. Some Regulators enter and move people off
tables. A Regulator moves to the bar and pushes aside two
miners.
DALEY
I’m gonna need bed, board, liquor, and
whatever my men want.
TOOTHLESS
Payment?
DALEY
Don’t mess with me, friend.
TOOTHLESS
Friend, you ain’t!
Daley grabs Toothless by the collar and drags him over the
bar.
DALEY
I guess you ain’t been listenin’?
TOOTHLESS
(shouts)
Dakota!..
Daley drops Toothless.
DALEY
Dakota, what?
TOOTHLESS
The dude over there...
Toothless points to Dakota just as a flaming arrow comes
flying through the swing doors and plugs the bar just below
Toothlessess’ scales. Daley stands aside.
CLOSE-UP: “AN ARROW, STILL VIBRATING”.
WHISKY TO CAMERA.
WHISKY (V.O.)
Oh, did I mention -- we recently got
ourselves, an Injun problem.
Genres:
["Western","Action","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
24 -
Whisky and Waddles
EXT. MILLS CROSSING/MAIN STREET - DAY
Chief Wyaska, who has ridden into town with some of his
BRAVES, sends four braves into the saloon.
INT. PEE SPRING SALOON - CONTINUOUS
The Regulators, unfazed by the Indians actions, continue to
sit as all the customers dive for cover. Toothless and Dakota
stand defiant.
BRAVE
(to Toothless)
Makum, firewater!
TOOTHLESS
Makum?
Toothless looks to Dakota, Dakota gives him the nod
Toothless hands over bottles of whisky and mutters under his
breath as he passes each bottle.
TOOTHLESS(CONT’D)
Fuck you... And you... Up yours, ya
filthy varmint... Hope it chokes ya!..
God, I hate, Injuns!
An Indian fires into the air. A muffled voice from an
upstairs room, screams.
VOICE (O.S.)
(muffled)
Ahhh... I just got shot in the ass!
Wyaska screams from outside the saloon.
WYASKA (O.S.)
HOTCHA-CO-LATA-PO!
BRAVE
(to Toothless)
We go, one tooth, nice we talk -- must
dash!
TOOTHLESS
Huh?
The braves gather up the bottles and run out.
EXT. PEE SPRING SALOON - DAY
Wyaska lets out a blood-chilling war cry, bullets and arrows
fly in all directions as the braves ride away
Toothless, Dakota, and Angel run to the center of the street;
they are soon joined by the rotund but still sprightly,
SHERIFF, KATCHES KANE, (40). All four men fire at the fleeing
braves.
DAKOTA
Thievin’, drunken bastards.
KATCHES
Gonna be the death of this town.
A LARGE CHICKEN, an arrow protruding from her neck, waddles
unsteadily from the saloon, down the stairs, and heads
towards Dakota. All four men stare.
The chicken, emitting a loud, CLUCK, falls beak-first into a
muddy quagmire, then produces a GINORMOUS EGG.
Ma Digger, who’s been hiding under the saloons foundations,
climbs out, sees the bird with her ass in the air, and does a
double-take.
MA DIGGER
(climbing out)
Now, ain’t that somethin’?
DAKOTA
The dumb-assed chicken, or the egg,
Ma?
MA DIGGER
The egg, bozo. You ever tried shitting
a grand piano?
ANGEL
Huh?
MA DIGGER
Must have had a snatch like an
elephant’s asshole.
Ma Digger wanders off.
ANGEL
Feisty, old broad.
DAKOTA
(chuckles)
Ain’t that the truth?
Genres:
["Western","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
25 -
Manure Mayhem on Main Street
INT. C-MAC OFFICE - MILLS CROSSING - DAY
Daley enters and sits at his desk. C-MAC’s main Regulator,
Picard Stretch, looks out of the window.
DALEY
The renegades. Looks like they’re
making a mark.
STRETCH
They should be, they’re being paid
enough.
DALEY
Good, as long as we’re progressing -
(starts to write)
- long as we’re progressing.
EXT. MAIN STREET - DAY
Whisky spots HAPPY HARRY, (60’s) the town’s resident pooper-
scooper who is sweeping up horse droppings. Happy crosses
over to Whisky.
WHISKY TO CAMERA.
WHISKY
And just when ya think it couldn’t get
crazier, here’s, Happy Harry, the
award-winning retriever of all things
exiting a horse’s ass.
Happy shouts to Whisky.
HAPPY
Another day, ay, Whisky?
WHISKY
Looks that way, Happy.
HAPPY
Anyone, ya know, needs some horseshit?
WHISKY
Nah, most of ‘em are already full of
it.
HAPPY
Ain’t that the truth.
A female TRADER outside a women's clothing store tends to
some pot plants. Happy thrusts a shovel full of horse manure
under her nose.
HAPPY
Need some horse-shit, lady?
The woman screams.
WOMAN
Herbert! HERBERT!
HAPPY
Just askin’.
Genres:
["Western","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
26 -
Sinkhole Showdown
INT. PEE SPRING SALOON/PRIVATE CORNER TABLE - NIGHT
It’s gone midnight, and Ezra and Finbah sit with Cole
Ridgeway.
COLE
-- and you’re sure the cavity is under
the designated spot?
FINBAH
Argh, we’re sure as we can be given we
have no measure.
COLE
Meaning?
FINBAH
You’ve been a miner yourself, man,
there’s always room for a little hit-
and-miss.
EZRA
You have to understand, we’ve a maze
of voids down there.
FINBAH
Tunnels that run clear up to Luther’s
forge.
COLE
Jesus!
EZRA
Argh, rest yerself, it’ll be fine.
COLE
Okay.. On my signal, ya let her rip,
yeah?
FINBAH
Any chance ya brought the enticement,
there, Cole?
Cole hands over a small bag of gold dust.
FINBAH
Sure, you’re a fine man. Tomorrow it
is.
INT. C-MAC/LAND PROCUREMENT OFFICE - MILLS CROSSING - DAY
Daley stands at the window. He watches Cole’s wagons pass.
Stretch stands awaiting orders
DALEY
I see the Ridgeway’s are leaving.
STRETCH
Ah-ha.
DALEY
Good man
EXT. MAIN STREET - MILLS CROSSING - DAY
Cole’s two wagons, laden down with mining equipment and
personal belongings, are heading out of town. Cole, drives
the lead wagon, while his wife, FLORENCE RIDGEWAY, (30’s) a
fearsome, jealous woman in a full length print dress and
bonnet, drives the second.
CELESTE DU PRIX, (22) a pretty, wholesome, Pee Saloon whore,
wearing only sexy French Lingerie, stands on the balcony of
the Pee. She shouts to Cole.
CELESTE
She finally tumbled you, then?
COLE
(shouts)
Screamed like a banshee!
The wagons roll past the old firehouse. Cole draws his gun
and fires two shots in the air. A loud rumble is heard.
INT. TUNNEL MAZE/MAIN CAVITY - SAME TIME
Ezra and Finbah dislodge the main supports of the workings
large cavity, the roof starts to collapse.
EXT. MAIN STREET - MILLS CROSSING - SAME TIME
A SINKHOLE opens up and starts to swallow Florence's wagon.
CELESTE
(shouts)
You’re shedding your caboose, babe --
the dragon in the second one, yes?
Cole looks around as the wagon disappears.
COLE
(shouts)
That she is!.. Tell Ezra and Finbah I
owe‘ em.
CELESTE
(laughs)
You’re such a badass.
From deep in the sinkhole, Florence is heard screaming.
FLORENCE (O.S.)
You bastard, Cole Ridgeway! This has
your signature all over it!
(screams)
Bastard! BASTARD!.. Someone get me the
hell outta here!
Florence, covered in mud, climbs out, chases down Cole’s
wagon and, throws herself into the rear, her legs flaying.
Her head pops out, she shows a fist to Celeste, and shouts.
FLORENCE
Harlot!
Genres:
["Comedy","Western","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
27 -
Mountain Pass Mayhem
EXT. MILLS PASS - THE MONTANA MOUNTAINS - LATER
Cole’s wagon moves slowly through the narrow, winding pass.
High on a ridge, a Crow, war party, tracks the wagon.
Florence is heard giving Cole a hard time.
FLORENCE (O.S.)
- you bastard, you and them friggin’
leprechauns had this whole thing
planned, didn’t you?
COLE (O.S.)
Give it a rest, woman, nag, nag, nag,
you’d drive a deaf man to drink...
FLORENCE (O.S.)
I’ll give you nag, nag! Always-
EXT. WAGONS/BENCH SEAT - CONTINUOUS
Florence’s nagging continues.
FLORENCE
- messin’ with them whores, and what
do I get? A night of unbridled
passion? No, I get fools’ gold, snow,
bleak winters, and false promises, I
might as well have it stitched up.
(mimics Cole)
- we’ll strike it rich someday, honey -
(back to herself)
- well I’m telling you, Cole Ridgeway,
I’m sick of this whole mining thing,
the tarts, drinking, gambling... Are
you listening to me?
COLE (O.S.)
(defeated)
Argh!.. Yes dear...
FLORENCE (O.S.)
-- and so you should be. Ain’t no way
you’re dumpin’ me for one of them
young whorin’ strumpets...
A HALF-CRAZED WARRIOR holding a rifle, jumps from behind a
rocky outcrop. He swigs from a near-empty bottle of whisky.
FLORENCE
(screams)
Ahhhhhh...
The brave points his rifle at Cole.
INDIAN
White man!.. You leave woman, you go!
Cole starts to push Florence off the wagon.
FLORENCE
What the hell are you doing?
COLE
Here, chief -- you take her.
FLORENCE
Cole!... You can’t leave me with this
savage?
Florence, Bible in hand, is forced down from the wagon.
FLORENCE
You, BASTARD!
She continues her tirade.
FLORENCE
I’m gonna haunt you, Cole Ridgeway;
you see, if I don’t, I’m...
Florence has a change of tact.
FLORENCE
(pleading)
- please don’t leave me, Coley... This
savage will violate me, discard me
like an old soiled dishcloth, defile
me then...
COLE
Rather him, than me!
The Indian grabs Florence’s arm. She starts to hit him with
the bible.
FLORENCE
(to Indian)
Get away from me, you half-naked, red-
skinned piece of donkey-crap! I will
chop off your pee-pee and feed it to
the pigs if you come even an inch near
me, you see if I don’t -- I will...
The Indian decides against the kidnap, and pushes Florence
towards the wagon.
INDIAN
(to Cole)
No, you keep -- me no want!
The Indian makes to leave, he trips, and his rifle
discharges. Simultaneously, his breechcloth snaps, exposing a
tiny red tasseled throng... He screams! Florence screams!
INDIAN FLORENCE
Nake nula wau? welo! Oh, my God!
The drunken brave sits smiling, and quietly chants.
Florence runs after the fleeing wagon, and jumps in, her legs
again, kicking madly. The wagon continues to speed off.
Florence, barely audible, prays.
FLORENCE (O.S.)
Dear God, I have seen more than I
should've seen, understood more than I
could see... still, I fear not of the
seeing, nor of the seeing of the
seeing, nor of the enlightenment of
the seeing...
COLE (O.S.)
Oh, for Christ’s sake, woman! Give it
a rest!
FLORENCE (O.S.)
You, Philistine!..
Genres:
["Comedy","Western","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
28 -
A Melody on the Trail
EXT. HIGH ON THE RIDGE - CONTINUOUS
Wyaska raises his hand. He looks down on the fleeing wagon
and the drunken brave.
WYASKA
Red-throng -- he not right in head...
We go!
The war party disappears.
EXT. THE TRAIL LEADING TO MILLS PASS - DAY
A lone rider, JACOB LIEBERMANN (30), a HASIDIC JEW dressed in
traditional Hasidic attire, wears a large SHTREIMEL HAT with
two ARROWS that protrude at four differing places. Jacob
travels past the inquisitive Whisky.
JACOB
Shalom.
WHISKY
Right back at ya?
WHISKY, AGAIN TO CAMERA.
WHISKY
Ya reckon this dude; lookin’ like he
just rode out of a horror comic knows
he’s got them arrows stickin’ outta
his pie-crust?.. And what the hell is
the deal with that ridiculous-looking
jackass?
SYLVIA, a sexually confused, and extremely flatulent, JACK-
ASS, sports a huge sombrero, a multicolored poncho, and five
sets of castanets that click-clack as he walks.
Jacob sings, “WHEN JOHNNIE COMES MARCHING HOME”, as Sylvia he-
haws and breaks wind in time with the popular song of the
day.
JACOB
(SINGS)
WHEN JOHNNIE COMES MARCHING HOME
AGAIN, HURRAH, HURRAH. WE’LL GIVE HIM
A HEARTY WELCOME THEN, HURRAH, HURRAH.
THE MEN WILL CHEER AND THE BOYS WILL
SHOUT, THE LADIES THEY WILL ALL TURN
OUT, AND WE'LL ALL FEEL GAY WHEN
JOHNNY COMES MARCHING HOME.
EXT. HILLSIDE - SAME TIME
Wyaska's war party, who have been tracking Jacob, stops and
listens to the vocalization. Two BRAVES prepare to fire more
arrows. Wyaska stops them.
Wyaska, feeling the rhythm of Jacob’s tune, starts to hum and
sway to the melody. The BRAVES, looking bemused, shrug their
shoulders, and start to sway and hum mimicking him.
WYASKA
This, a good tune -- not good day to
die.
Wyaska, followed by his braves, still humming, ride off into
the sunset.
EXT. THE TRAIL TO MILLS CROSSING - DAY
Jacob acknowledges Cole’s wagon as he passes.
JACOB
A fine morning, friend.
Cole focuses on the arrows in Jacob’s hat as Jacob rides
away, Cole leans out and shouts.
COLE
Crow?
JACOB
No -- Jacob Liebermann’, attorney at
law.
COLE
Huh?..
(shouts)
Looks like you had yourself an
encounter.
JACOB
(cupping his ear)
I’m, sorry?
COLE
(shouts)
Your hat?.. Looks like, Crow!
JACOB
(shouts)
No, no, it’s, Grey Fox.
COLE
What?
(shouts)
Your hat -- was it Crow?
JACOB
(shouts)
No -- Grey Fox-
(chuckles)
- I’m not sure they make them from
bird feathers?
COLE
What?
JACOB
(shouts)
My Shtreimel -- it’s, Grey Fox!
COLE
(shouts)
You need a bloody hearing aid, ya deaf
bastard.
JACOB
(shouts)
A lemonade -- no, that is very kind of
you, I’m fine.
COLE
What?
JACOB
(shouts)
Is that Mills Crossing, I see before
me?
Cole shakes his head and drives on.
COLE
Crazy, bastard.
Genres:
["Comedy","Western"]
Ratings
Scene
29 -
Desperation at the Pee Springs Saloon
INT. PEE SPRINGS SALOON - NIGHT
The Risley brothers, BRET, and SAMUEL (30s), both disheveled
and down on their luck, enter and stagger to the bar.
BRET
(to Toothless)
Hey, Toothless -- man I got me a
thirst -
(points to his chest)
- like you wouldn’t believe...
SAMUEL
Couldn’t stand us a couple of shots,
could ya?
Toothless looks over to Dakota, Dakota nods. Toothless fill
two shot glasses. Samuel holds up a glass to cheers Dakota.
BRET
Yo, Dakota, you’re a life savor,
guvnor.
(hits the shot)
Any chance you’d like to grub stake us
a little?
Dakota pulls out some coins and throws them into one of the
front of bar spittoons.
DAKOTA
Here you go, boys, eat it up.
Samuel looks at Bret, Bret kneels, and starts to fumble
around in the spittoon.
Soon the brothers are surrounded by drifters and cowboys who
push them around.
SAMUEL
Take it easy, fella’s, we just wanna
drink.
A cowboy grabs some beer from the bar and pours it over the
brothers. Another picks up a spittoon and tips the contents
over Bret. The aggressors then beat on the brothers.
Ma Digger sitting at a table watches the interactions.
MA DIGGER
Them poor boys, it’s a cryin’
shame.
Ma Digger, a cheroot hanging from her lower lip, turns to a
cowboy sitting next to her.
MA DIGGER
Buddy -- you got a light?
Genres:
["Western","Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
30 -
A Misunderstanding in Mills Crossing
EXT. MILLS CROSSING/STREET - SAME TIME
Jacob rides into town. Townsfolk, shoppers, and pedestrians
all stop to stare. A QUAKER KID (8) runs up.
KID
Hey, mister -- are you a vampire?
JACOB
No, young man -- just a traditional
Jewish lawyer wearing traditional
Jewish clothing.
KID
Where’s yer fangs, I wanna see ya
fags?
JACOB
I’m afraid I don’t have any fangs.
KID
No fangs? What about virgins then, you
got any virgins?
JACOB
I think you are confused, child.
KID
No fangs, no virgins, what friggin’
use are ya?
Whisky walks over.
WHISKY
Beat it, kid.
KID
Fuck you!
JACOB
Huh?
The kid runs off and into a Shit-N-Shine Emporium.
JACOB
One of God’s children?
WHISKY
Friggin’ Quakers! Should be shot at
birth.
Whisky looks at Sylvia.
WHISKY
Pedro here, gotta name?
JACOB
Be careful, you’ll offend him... It’s
Sylvia.
Whisky looks down and sees Sylvia’s enormous penis.
WHISKY
Are you sure it’s Sylvia? Kinda
strange equipment for a she-ass?
JACOB
It’s Sylvia.
WHISKY
Looks like you and Sylvia, ain’t from
round these parts.
Jacob, still fighting for control of Sylvia.
JACOB
Your observation is correct, my
friend, Chicago, actually.
WHISKY
You come all that way on this jackass?
Sylvia rears up.
JACOB
Whoa, whoa!.. No, no, no, by steam
locomotive?
WHISKY
Really, ain’t seen me one of them in a
long time -- so how come you and
Sylvia got acquainted?
JACOB
A purchase from a man in Chicago. I
presumed I was buying a horse.
WHISKY
You know the difference between a
jackass and a horse?
JACOB
I do now.
Whisky helps with Sylvia’s reigns. He looks at Jacob’s hat.
WHISKY
What’s with the fur hat?
JACOB
It’s a Shtreimel.
WHISKY
A what?
JACOB
A Shtreimel, worn on Shabbat, and
today, being Saturday, is Shabbat.
Whisky, referring to the arrows in the Shtreimel.
WHISKY
And the adornments -- Crow?
JACOB
That’s the second time I’ve been asked
that. No, it’s Grey Fox.
Whisky appears puzzled. Jacob dismounts, Sylvia bucks, then
urinates over Jacob’s boots.
JACOB
Disgusting animal.
Jacob looks around.
JACOB
So this is a mining town, ay -
(excitedly)
- the wild West, mean streets, houses
of ill repute, a bunch of, dangerous
hombres.
WHISKY
(under his breath)
Dangerous Hombres, houses of ill
repute? Who writes this shit?
Jacob looks around.
JACOB
Is there a decent hotel, one could
utilize for the foreseeable future?
WHISKY
You’re lookin’ at it.
Jacob looks up to the heavens.
JACOB
(looks up to the heavens)
Why Papa -- and why with this smelly
jackass?
Right on cue, Sylvia raises his tail, farts a very loud fart,
then dumps a load of crap next to Jacob’s foot.
JACOB
Oy vey.
There is a crash -- the Risley brothers come hurtling out of
the saloon doors and crawl under the Pee’s raised footings.
Jacob, shocked, watches the incident.
JACOB
Who are those two, unfortunates?
WHISKY
Ah, just a couple of nobodies.
JACOB
Surely, still God’s children?
WHISKY
Ain’t no God where they’ve been,
Padre.
JACOB
What do you mean?
WHISKY
They was part of Nathaniel Lyons’
Clear Lake Massacre.
JACOB
Clear Lake Massacre?
WHISKY
Killed a whole bunch of Injuns. Old
men, women, kids, all of the Pomo
tribe, wholesale slaughter, so they
say.
DISSOLVE TO:
Genres:
["Comedy","Western"]
Ratings
Scene
31 -
Echoes of Guilt
EXT. POMP ENCAMPMENT - WYOMING - DAY (FLASHBACK)
Private’s Bret and Samuel Risley, teenage conscripts, kneel
between two burned-out tepees.
SUPER: “POWDER RIVER WYOMING, CLEAR LAKE MASSACRE”
All around, fire, death, and mayhem, both are filthy from the
scars of battle. On the ground, a young SQUAW cries, she
holds a tiny PAPOOSE.
WHISKY (V.O.)
They’d seen enough bloodshed, they was
sick, exhausted, and crazed.
The command CAPTAIN rides up and slices the squaw’s breast
with his saber, then spears the baby. He gets off his horse
and continues to mutilate the squaw, severing her head. He
then climbs back on his horse.
WHISKY (V.O.)
The captain ordered the brothers to
mount and continue the slaughter.
They drag the captain from his horse, beat him senselessly,
strip off their uniforms, double up on the captain’s horse,
and ride away.
END FLASHBACK.
BACK TO SCENE:
EXT. PEE SPRING SALOON - CONTINUOUS
Jacob is visibly disturbed by the revelations.
WHISKY
Your God’s children over there,
deserted after the killings, they
couldn’t hack the mutilation of women
and kids -- they’ve been running from
themselves ever since.
JACOB
It’s tragic that they have to live
this way.
WHISKY
Different folk got different strokes.
Them boys have been drunk for years
‘cause of the guilt. Ain’t no sign of
‘em quitting anytime soon.
JACOB
Tragic.
WHISKY
Welcome to hell.
Jacob feels a presence by his boots, he looks down and sees
Happy Harry with a shine box.
HAPPY
Evening vicar, spit and shine, cheap
and fine?
Harry starts picking off bits of donkey shit.
JACOB
Cease, please, it’s disgusting!
WHISKY
It’s okay, that’s Harry the shit-
shoveler.
HAPPY
I see the Crow’s dun-yer hat.
JACOB
Mr. Shoveler. It’s not Crow, feathers,
or, dun-ya -- it’s Grey Fox!
HAPPY
Whatever -- be my pleasure to sort it
for ya. Only two bits.
JACOB
(frustrated)
It’s Shtreimel!
HAPPY
You ain’t wrong -- this donkey’s shit
shemwell’s something rotten, what you
been feedin’ it?
JACOB
ARGH!
Genres:
["Western","Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
32 -
Rejection at the Pee Spring Saloon
EXT. PEE SPRING SALOON - NIGHT
Jacob and Whisky are just about to enter the saloon when
TWODOGS SCHTUPIN, an old Sioux Chief comes crashing through
the swing doors and lands in the dirt.
TWODOGS
Tuwéni okíchize ci? šni!
Twodogs charges back up the stairs, through the doors, then
flies out again, he sits in the dirt.
TWODOGS
wha-she-sho-wee-ko?
Whisky walks up.
WHISKY
You okay, Twodogs?
TWODOGS
(shouts)
I am great Sioux Warrior! No man treat
me this way?
REGULATOR (O.S.)
(shouts from saloon)
We ain’t got no use for Injun’s,
chiefie!
TWODOGS
(shouts)
But I am, Twodogs Schtupin!
REGULATOR (O.S.)
(from saloon)
I don’t give a crap if your, three
dogs shitting, you still ain’t comin’
back in here!
TWODOGS
(shouts)
Give me five fingers of red-eye?
REGULATORS (O.S.)
(from saloon)
NO!
TWODOGS
(shouts)
A bottle of Mexican firewater?
REGULATORS (O.S.)
(from saloon)
Piss off!
TWODOGS
(shouts)
A beer? Something cold?
REGULATOR (O.S.)
(from saloon)
Suck ya dick!..
TWODOGS
(looks up to Whisky)
Is that even possible?
Whisky helps Twodogs up.
WHISKY
I told ya, Twodogs, them boys don’t
like Injun's especially, Sioux.
TWODOGS
White man suck, Whisky, not you, you
my friend, you good man -- them in
there, po-po men, no good men...
Better I go back to tepee, drink
bottle of Pee Buffalo Piss-water...
Whisky, you come, we drink -- we
continue your Lakota lessons?
WHISKY
Nah, I’m beat. Stay lucky.
Genres:
["Western","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
33 -
Miscommunication at the Pee Springs Saloon
INT. PEE SPRINGS SALOON/BAR - NIGHT
Jacob and Whisky enter the Pee and move across to the hotel
reservation desk which adjoins the bar. Toothless comes over
and stares blankly.
TOOTHLESS
(to Jacob)
Yeah?
JACOB
Good evening, my good man. I would
like a room, preferably one with a tub
and plenty of hot water, oh, and a
room with a view.
TOOTHLESS
I got a room, no tub, no water, no
view. Ya want it?
JACOB
Then, yes, one must cut one’s cloth to
suit one’s limitations.
TOOTHLESS
One, must do, what?
Whisky to Jacob, referencing Toothless.
WHISKY
He’s a bucket of laughs, ain’t he?
TOOTHLESS
(menacingly to Whisky)
Hope you like soup, you crazy bastard,
one more word and I’ll...
Whisky makes a face at Toothless. Toothless looks at the two
arrows sticking out of Jacob’s hat as Jacob registers.
TOOTHLESS
You messed with Crow?
JACOB
(still writing)
Grey Fox.
Toothless, bewildered shakes his head.
TOOTHLESS
How long ya staying?
JACOB
A few nights, maybe a week or so, it
depends on how long it takes to
conclude my business. Oh, and, by the
way, it’s Grey Fox, not Crow.
TOOTHLESS
What?
JACOB
What?
WHISKY
What?
TOOTHLESS
And, your business?
JACOB
I’m a lawyer.
TOOTHLESS
A lawyer?.. Why here?
JACOB
Ask me no secrets, my friend, and I
shall tell you no lies.
Toothless, looking totally confused, get’s a key from behind
the bar and slams it on the counter.
TOOTHLESS
Okay’ dude, that’s eight bucks a
night, fifty-five a week. You want
company, it’ll be an extra five a
night, paid in advance.
JACOB
And very reasonable too, one moment.
Jacob opens his coat, lifts his Tzitzit, and, from a money
belt, peals some notes from a huge bankroll. He hands the
agreed fee to Toothless.
Toothless’s eyes gesture towards Dakota, who has watched the
interaction. Dakota nods.
JACOB
I think we might dispense with the
extras. I’m sure you understand.
TOOTHLESS
(to himself)
Idiot.
JACOB
(to Whisky)
What an unfortunate man.
Dakota signals Toothless to come over.
DAKOTA
What’s the story with the hat?
TOOTHLESS
No idea? But, did you see the
bankroll?
DAKOTA
Ah-ha, keep me posted.
Slim attempts to discreetly descend the staircase. He hides
his face behind his hat. Cha-Cha stands on the landing and
purposefully blows him a kiss. Dakota spots the interaction.
DAKOTA
(to Toothless)
Looks like Slim’s got himself hooked.
TOOTHLESS
That’s their fourth time today.
DAKOTA
Really?
Genres:
["Western","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
34 -
A Lesson in Respect
INT. PEE SPRING SALOON - NIGHT
A drunken, BESPECTACLED DRIFTER, upends a table and slaps a
saloon girl.
DRIFTER
Give me back my money, you two-bit,
thievin’ whore!
INT. SALOON/CARD TABLE - CONTINUOUS
Angel, who is dragging a pot, gets up.
ANGEL
(to players)
Mind my chips, boys.
Angel moves over and gets grabs the drifter, and frog-marches
him through the doors.
EXT. PEE SPRINGS SALOON - DUSK
Angel drags the drifter to the center of the street, hauls
him to a vertical position, paces off twenty paces, and
turns.
SUPER: “ANGEL HALO... ONE, MEEEAN, SON OF A BITCH!”
ANGEL
(shouts)
Draw!
The drifter attempts to focus, he struggles to stand.
DRIFTER
Are you friggin’ crazy -- draw -- I
can’t even see ya?
ANGEL
I’m over here, ya, moron!
DRIFTER
Moron -- why the fuck am I even, here?
ANGEL
Callin’ them whores, whores -- now,
draw!
DRIFTER
Whoa, whoa, whoa -- them whores, is
whores?
ANGEL
Whores they may be, and whores they’ll
probably remain. But you never call a
whore a whore, especially if she don’t
want to be called a whore, and more
importantly, not in the middle of when
she’s whoring.
DRIFTER
Huh?
ANGEL
These whores prefer to be called,
“Petals of the Fall”.
DRIFTER
“Petals of the friggin’ Fall”!.. I’m
here because I got the friggin’
vernacular wrong?
The drifter goes for his gun -- screams!
DRIFTER
Ahhhhhhhh!
Angel plugs him right between the eyes, the drifter’s gun
fires as he falls face-first into some horse shit.
Genres:
["Western","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
35 -
Burial Blues
EXT. DRESS STORE - SAME TIME
ESMERALDA, a HUGE PARROT in a cage, three doors from the Pee,
Invertedly swings from her perch, plugged through the neck. A
woman runs out.
WOMAN
Esmeralda!.. You, BASTARDS!.. You
murdered my Esmeralda!
ANGEL
Not me, mother -- the dong in the
dirt.
Angel returns to the saloon.
EXT. PEE SPRINGS SALOON - CONTINUOUS
Whisky and, Twodogs, having witnessed the gunfight, move to
the dead drifter. Twodogs, whispers to Whisky.
TWODOGS
Me like, him boots.
WHISKY
A little respect, Twodogs!
Twodogs shrugs his shoulders, then Whisky and Twodogs,
accompanied by some passing LOWLIFES, drag the dead drifter
to the steps of the funeral parlor.
EXT. FUNERAL PARLOR - CONTINUOUS
Slim, having accepted the position of, PARSON of the New
Order, exits the parlor. He dons a dog collar, black frock-
coat, and a black top hat with chiffon accouterments.
Some of the LADIES of the New Order, gather around. Slim
looks aloft, outstretches his arms, and proudly proclaims.
SLIM
The Lord is my shepherd, and I shall
dwell in the house of the Lord, and I
shall never profit from evil and serve
only for the good of my spiritual
essentia -- his guidance will be my
strength -- praise be, to the Lord!
ALL
Hallelujah!
Slim doffs his hat.
SLIM
Folk’s, Whisky. Twodogs?
WHISKY
(to Slim)
Looks like you got the calling, Slim.
SLIM
Yes, I have been, so blessed.
WHISKY
Okay, buddy-boy, give it yer best
shot.
Slim looks at the dead drifter and raises his eyes to the
heavens.
SLIM
Lord -- may you bestow thy mercy upon
this rather scruffy and smelly
unfortunate as he denounces all evil
and marches the celestial road to meet
his maker.
ALL
Amen!
SLIM
This poor individual, desecrated-
humiliated-
(whispers to Whisky)
- fornicating whilst procrastinating?
WHISKY
- ya, mean humpin’?
SLIM
Ah-ha.
WHISKY
That, he was.
SLIM
(looks up)
- it is with thy divine guidance, that
I...
(sniffs)
- for the love of God, what is that
smell?
TWODOGS
Man fall in horse shit.
SLIM
Really! Dear Lord, horse-shit or not,
he is attended by consoling confrères,
so a moment of contemplation.
Slim removes his hat and opens his Bible. Whisky and the
townsfolk bow their heads.
SLIM
In the name of the Father, Son, and
Holy Spirit -- I extol my pre-
communicative, sagacity...
ALL
- sag-what-aty?
Slim’s eyes roll upwards, he looks up and crosses himself.
SLIM
Who giveth this woman to be married to
this...
WHISKY
Slim!
SLIM
Huh?
Slim looks down at the deceased.
SLIM
Oh -- forgive me...
(turns a few pages)
May God take this sad, and, rather
odious person, and may the Holy Spirit
look down upon him, allowing him to
walk through the valley of the shadow
of death, and fear no evil, and may he
stand at your side...
Ma Digger walks up carrying a large paper bag, she opens the
bag to Slim and exposes a huge black dildo.
MA DIGGER
(to gathering)
Don’t listen to his bullshit!
(to Slim)
Get yer ass in here and help me grease
this thing.
SLIM
Mother!
MA DIGGER
(to gathering)
Like he don’t know, right?
Ma Digger enters the funeral parlor -- Slim clears his
throat.
SLIM
So -- who will be financing this poor
unfortunate’s burial?
TOWNSFOLK
(ad-libs)
Not me?.. Nor me!.. Never seen the
dude before?.. He’s probably broke?..
Poor bastard.
Slim looks at the corpse, then to the townsfolk.
SLIM
Death, my friends, redefines the
moment of passing, a passing that no
man can put asunder!
Slim holds his arms up. Again looks to the heavens, and
loudly professes.
SLIM
Any individual, who carries a
financial burden to his final resting
place, is like a bird that hatches
eggs it did not lay, he forfeits all
enhancements!
WHISKY
Translation?
SLIM
(whispers)
No dinero, no dig.
Slim returns to his funeral parlor and closes the door.
The townsfolk, looking bewildered, disperse, leaving the dead
drifter lying in the dirt.
WHISKY
Unbelievable.
Whisky looks at the dead drifter and shrugs his shoulders.
WHISKY
Dug me one hole, already today, buddy -
- if you’re still hangin’ tomorrow,
I’ll figure somethin’.
Whisky walks off, scratching his ass, leaving Twodogs looking
bemused.
TWODOGS
Boots?
Genres:
["Comedy","Western"]
Ratings
Scene
36 -
Confrontation at C-MAC
EXT. CROW ENCAMPMENT - DAY
TRIBE ELDERS gather as an open wagon pulls into the
encampment. Young BRAVES open more boxes and check rifles
while SQUAWS unload cases of whisky.
EAGLE CLAW
Celebration good this year.
EXT. C-MAC OFFICES - MILLS CROSSING - DAY
EZRA staggers drunk from the saloon, crosses to his buckboard
where Finbah sits, and picks up a large lump of green rock.
He confronts Stretch who stands with the other Regulators.
EZRA
So, dirt-bag? What d’ya know?
STRETCH
You talkin’ to me, Finklestein?
EZRA
Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you!
STRETCH
Go home, you’re drunk!
EZRA
Home -- we ain’t got me no home since
ya purloined our claim?
STRETCH
You got paid, now go.
Ezra shouts to Finbah.
EZRA
Ya witnessing this shit, Finbah?
(back to Stretch)
I got paid!.. Not even enough to buy a
roof over our heads? But I’m a man of
honor and...
Ezra goes for his pocket... The Regulators pull back their
coats, exposing their firearms. Finbah jumps from the wagon
and attempts to pull Ezra away.
FINBAH
Let it go, Ezra!
Ezra pushes him off.
EZRA
(to Finbah)
Need to say my piece, Finbah.
Holds up the rock.
EZRA
(to Stretch)
So?
Stretch draws his gun, fires, and splits the rock. Ezra,
nursing his hands...
EZRA
Fuck you, dirtbag!
He twists, and fumbles in his pants pocket.
EZRA
You, fuckin’...
The Regulators draw and fire into the dirt. Ezra tries to
avoid the bullets, but one grazes his leg. He holds out his
land deeds.
EZRA
I brought you these, motherfuckers.
The claim deeds!
The Regulators holster their firearms.
Genres:
["Western","Action","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
37 -
Tensions Rise Over Eviction Threat
INT. C-MAC/OFFICE - MILLS CROSSING - DAY
Stretch re-enters the office and puts Ezra’s deeds on the
desk.
DALEY
Why’s he bitching?
STRETCH
Argh, these clowns, they don’t know
when they’re well off.
DALEY
What’s the story on the Gröber’s?
STRETCH
Got the standard, geh, fick dich,
treatment.
DALEY
Geh, fick dich?
STRETCH
Rough translation -- “Go fuck
yourself.”
DALEY
These people just don’t get it, you’ll
need to press.
STRETCH
Already taken care of.
INT. FUNERAL PARLOR - DAY
Slim enters the house, Ma stands with her arms folded, and
she is steaming.
MA DIGGER
Where the hell have you been?
SLIM
Mother? I’ve been doing some
preaching.
MA
Forget the preachin’ them Regulators
was here.
SLIM
Regulators?
MA DIGGER
The bastards are lookin’ to evict us.
SLIM
They have no mandate for eviction?
MA DIGGER
I’m tellin’ ya, they want us out!
SLIM
Fear not, mother, I will make
representation to Mr. Daley in the
morning, I’m sure there’s been a
mistake.
MA DIGGER
UGH! You piece of crap! It’s that
friggin’ Daley that’s behind it!
Genres:
["Western","Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
38 -
Confrontation at C-MAC
INT. C-MAC/OFFICE - MILLS CROSSING - DAY
There’s a knock on the door.
DALEY
Come!
Slim enters.
DALEY
What do you need, parson?
SLIM
(nervously)
Well, this is a rather delicate
matter...
DALEY
Delicate?
SLIM
Yes, it appears your Mr. Stretch
visited my home and, well, as she
says, harassed my mother.
DALEY
Is that so?
SLIM
Yes, now with regard to his inquiry,
I’m here to inform you that the
property is not for sale, as the
premises doubles as a funeral parlor
and now, a parsonage.
Daley shouts.
DALEY
Stretch!
Stretch and two Regulators enter.
DALEY
You been interacting with this man of
God’s, mother?
STRETCH
I did have an interesting conversation
with an old lady at his establishment -
- quite a feisty old girl.
SLIM
(smiles)
That would be mother.
DALEY
Well parson, you’re shit outta luck.
Get the bum outta here.
Stretch grabs Slim by the scruff of e neck and kicks him out
of the office into the street. The Regulators follow Slim and
give him a severe beating. A woman, watching the beating,
runs across thew street and into the Pee.
Genres:
["Western","Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
39 -
Tension at the Pee Spring Saloon
INT. PEE SPRING SALOON - LATER
Cha-Cha stands watching a poker game as the woman enters...
WOMAN
The Regulators, their killing preacher
Slim!
TOOTHLESS
Couldn’t happen to a nicer dude.
Stretch enters.
STRETCH
(to woman)
Beat it!
The woman runs out as Stretch moves to the card table, grabs
Cha-Cha by the arm, and drags her towards the staircase.
CHA-CHA
Hey!.. Easy there, big guy.
Stretch ignores the comment and continues to the staircase.
Dakota and Toothless, who picks up a shotgun, moves to the
staircase.
DAKOTA
(to Stretch)
What’s the problem, here? Leave the
girl alone.
STRETCH
You, talkin’ to me?
DAKOTA
You heard me!
Both men draw, but Stretch is far faster than Dakota, whose
gun remains in its holster.
STRETCH
(to Toothless)
Down it!.. Now!
Toothless drops the shotgun.
STRETCH
(to Toothless)
You got a problem, smart-ass?
Stretch fires into the ceiling. Six Regulators, guns drawn,
enter the saloon and surround the customers.
STRETCH
(to Dakota)
Ya see, Mr. Fancy-pants, I got me a
notion to have a little carnal
interaction with this big tittied,
whore of yourn -- and I ain’t inclined
to pay -- you got yerself a problem
with that?
Dakota looks to Angel, who continues to sit at the poker
table. Angel slowly shakes his head.
DAKOTA
(to Stretch)
Enjoy the experience.
CHA-CHA
DAKOTA!..
STRETCH
(to Toothless)
And you, you fuck-whit -- you hold a
gun on me again, you’d better be
prepared to use it.
TOOTHLESS
Yes, sir.
Stretch drags Cha-Cha up the staircase and disappears into a
room.
From the hallway, Cha-Cha’s voice is heard from the closed
door.
CHA-CHA (O.S.)
(muffled voice)
WHOA, baby!.. I can see why they
called ya Stretch! You should be
knockin’ the shit out of a Piñatas
with that thing.
Genres:
["Western","Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
40 -
Tensions at the Forge
EXT. LOOFAH’S HOMESTEAD - DAY
Preacher Benjamin and the blacksmith’s wife, Lucinda are
loading up a buckboard with Lucinda’s belongings. Benjamin’s
case is already packed and loaded.
BENJAMIN
A bright new day, ay, my baby.
LUCINDA
Oh, the joy!
(SINGS)
A NEW, A NEW, A BRIGHT NEW DAY
MY HEART BELONGS TO YOU
FORGETTING ALL OUR FEAR AND FOE
THE SEEDS OF LOVE WILL GROW AND GROW.
Lucinda has a horrendous, out of tune voice. Benjamin is
visibly not impressed.
BENJAMIN
Nice, my love... Don’t suppose you
know any poetry, do you?..
LUCINDA
No, I just love to sing.
(SINGS)
A NEW, A NEW, A BRIGHT NEW DAY
MY HEART BELONGS TO YOU...
BENJAMIN
Oh, dear, oh dear, oh dear! Babe, ya
gotta stop that caterwauling!
LUCINDA
Caterwauling?
They climb aboard and drive off. They drive away with Lucinda
humming.
INT. BLACKSMITHS FORGE - DAY
Luther hammers a horseshoe... Stretch, and three Regulators
enter.
STRETCH
Loofah...
LUTHER
Ain’t got me no time for the likes of
you, nor your damn Regulators.
STRETCH
(turns to Regulators)
It appears our friend here has a flea
up his ass.
(turns to Luther)
We just come from your homestead, big-
boy; seems things ain’t lookin’ too
rosy on the matrimonial side.
Luther draws a red hot horseshoe from the brassiere and moves
towards Stretch.
LUTHER
I said, out!
STRETCH
Are you aware that, that pretty young
wife of yourn, is in the process of
running off with the preacher?
LUTHER
Bullshit!
STRETCH
(to Regulators)
Could be she’s been pumpin’ the
preacher’s organ, eh, boys?
The Regulators laugh. Luther goes to strike Stretch, the
Regulators disarm him.
STRETCH
Tie and gag him...
Genres:
["Western","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
41 -
Defiance and Debut
EXT. THE LOOFAH HOMESTEAD - LATER
Luther, hands bound and on his knees, watches as a mattress
is thrown onto an already burning buggy, a sideboard follows.
STRETCH
Tried to tell ya, buddy.
LUTHER
You ain’t forcin’ me off my land!
STRETCH
Ain’t your land no more.
Luther manages to free himself from the bindings, and runs
into the house and returns holding a rifle. The Regulators
grab him and beat him senseless. Luther strapped over a horse
is led away. Stretch laughing, mounts-up.
EXT. THE PEE SPRING SALOON - DAY
The once a month, STAGECOACH, thunders into town. The driver
climbs down and opens the coach door. JULIAN JAMES and
QUENTIN QUIVER two elegantly dressed, extremely effeminate,
Shakespearian actors emerge.
The stage driver climbs on the roof of the stage and throws
down two large trunks.
JULIAN
Oh, do be careful, honey, we have
costumes and props in there.
DRIVER
Honey?
QUENTIN
(to driver)
Don’t mind him, love, he’s as camp as
a row of tents.
JULIAN
I’ll camp you, you saucy, bitch.
They both fall about laughing.
QUENTIN
Our first professional engagement,
Jule’s. I’m so excited, Solly did
himself proud.
They dust themselves down and look around.
JULIAN
Jesus... What a shithole.
Genres:
["Western","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
42 -
Dark Humor on Main Street
EXT. MAIN STREET - LATER
Irish, ex-major, FERGAL FINKLE, (70’s), sits in a rocker
outside a storefront. In the distance, Luther hangs by the
neck from the forge’s protruding hoist arm. Fergal shouts to
Whisky.
FERGAL
Ya see, old shit for brains, went and
hung himself?
Whisky reins back Pepper as an open wagon with three men
chase up the hill to the forge.
WHISKY
Crazy bastard. I heard his old lady’s
been messin’ with the Preacher.
FERGAL
No reason to go and hang yourself,
though?
WHISKY
Guess he got to grievin’ about his
circumstance?
FERGAL
Sure it can’t be that. He’s been
bonin’ that French tart from the Pee?
WHISKY
Who? Celeste du Prix?
FERGAL
That’s the one. It’s not been smooth
sailing, though, she threatened to
dump him.
WHISKY
Really -- why?
FERGAL
He told her to stop whorin’.
WHISKY
What -- how can ya stop a whore,
whoring?
FERGAL
Sure, ya just don’t pay her.
They both laugh.
IRIS OUT TO
BLACK.
SUPER: “ACT THREE, THE COMEUPPANCE”
IRIS IN.
Genres:
["Western","Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
43 -
A Tragic Ambush at Mills Mountain Pass
EXT. MILLS MOUNTAIN PASS - DAY
Preacher Benjamin and Lucinda, sit in the buggy as they
meander along the winding trail.
LUCINDA
-- I still can’t believe we’re
escaping that dreary, humdrum
existence.
BENJAMIN
We just need to find a naive community
and replenish the coffers. A new life,
an even more beautiful young wife, and
a whole new challenge.
LUCINDA
(sings)
A NEW, A NEW, A BRIGHT NEW DA...
BENJAMIN
(interjecting)
Baby, please.
Lucinda goes to kiss Benjamin. A WHOOSH, followed by a gentle
thwack is audible as a Crow arrow pierces Lucinda’s neck.
Lucinda’s head sinks onto Benjamin's shoulder. Benjamin
remains unaware of the attack.
BENJAMIN
Where do you think we should head
for...
Another Whoosh. An arrow hits Benjamin in the upper arm, and
another two, in the chest. He falls from the buggy. The buggy
smashes into the huge boulder. The horse, unbridled, runs
off.
EXT. MILLS CROSSING/STREET - DAY
Jacob exits the sheriff’s office and sees the Risley
brothers. He shouts.
JACOB
Excuse me! I say, you two?
The brothers stop and look at Jacob.
JACOB
Is it possible that you are, Bret and
Samuel Risley?
SAMUEL
Maybe, who’s askin’?
Jacob runs up.
JACOB
My name is Jacob Liebermann.
(hands a card)
From the Chicago offices of
Liebermann, Robem, and Rum.
BRET
Rob ‘em and run -- you a hustler?
JACOB
Good heavens, no, I would like, if I
may, to buy you gentlemen, a small
libation.
SAMUEL
You payin’?
JACOB
Of course.
SAMUEL
Then, lead on.
They make their way to the saloon and enter.
Genres:
["Western","Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
44 -
Inheritance and Intrigue at the Pee Spring Saloon
INT. PEE SPRING SALOON/TABLE - DAY
Jacob and the brothers move to a table and sit. Dakota
confronts them.
DAKOTA
(to brothers)
Shift it, boys!
JACOB
Landlord, these gentlemen are my
guests.
DAKOTA
Really? You wanna hitch your wagon to
these bums?
JACOB
I’m sorry, but I didn’t catch your
name?
DAKOTA
Dakota Dan Davis. You wanna tell me
what’s occurring with these two, good-
for-nothing degenerates?
JACOB
A broad statement, sir, and I mean no
disrespect, but that is a matter I can
only discuss with my clients.
DAKOTA
Clients?
Dakota shouts to Toothless.
DAKOTA
Toothless, get these -- ah --
gentlemen, some drinks... First one’s
down to me.
TOOTHLESS (O.S.)
Comin’ up.
Bret and Samuel look at each other and smile, they then look
at Dakota and smile. Dakota, unaware of what the hell is
going down, returns the smile, all three then look at Jacob.
JACOB
Am I missing something here?
Toothless brings the drinks, Toothless looks at all four
grinning.
TOOTHLESS
God, Give me strength... Boss?
DAKOTA
Leave the drinks...
(to himself)
Gotta be something in the water.
Dakota moves away.
BRET
So, what’s the scoop?
JACOB
Gentlemen -- I have here, your
Grandfather’s last will and testament.
SAMUEL
Grandpa, Mills?
JACOB
The same.
Jacob produces an envelope takes out a document and reads
JACOB
You have been bequeathed the land
north, south, and to the west of Mills
Pass -
SAMUEL
I’m sorry -- what?..
JACOB
- this to include, Mills Pass, the
town of Mills Crossing, plus all
habitable surroundings, streams, and
highlands.
BRET
Jesus -- we’re landed gentry.
SAMUEL
So, what’s the use?
JACOB
Well, there are the rental payments on
all the town residences and settlement
leases.
BRET
Which right now, ain’t worth a shit.
SAMUEL
But we own that land?
JACOB
Yes, and there are many other
possibilities.
BRET
Like what?
JACOB
You could erect a tollgate -- charge
entry to the area?
SAMUEL
And freeze our asses off waiting for
some worthless drifter to come by?
BRET
Yeah, not today buddy, be lucky.
The brothers get up to leave.
JACOB
One moment -- you were also left a
substantial amount of money.
The brothers sit.
SAMUEL
Now, we’re talkin’.
BRET
How much?
JACOB
Twenty-two thousand dollars, plus
various bonds and stocks.
SAMUEL
Holy, shit!
BRET
Brother, we’re rich!
JACOB
But -- there are conditions.
SAMUEL
(to Bret)
Argh - go on?
JACOB
Your Grandfather - in a crystalline
agreement...
BRET
A what?
JACOB
An agreement that cannot be disputed
or amended, insisted that the valley
must retain its natural beauty.
SAMUEL
Okay?
JACOB
If any minerals or specific mining
activities are pursuant to commercial
or settlement plans, all such works,
must in no way, decrease the
aesthetics of the original landscape.
BRET
Okay?..
JACOB
It is also forbidden to dispose of
all, or any part of such holdings,
without first, obtaining agreement
from the current tribal elders of the
Crow nation.
SAMUEL
What?
BRET
So what do we actually own?
JACOB
Everything, as far as the eye can
see...
BRET
- but with conditions?
JACOB
Correct.
A pause.
BRET
So, when do we get the money?
JACOB
I have been retained under your
grandfather’s will to guide your
progress, so as not to waste your
inheritance.
BRET
What the hell does that mean?..
JACOB
I have ample funds to capitalize any
sensible investments, plus all
responsible expenditures, all of
which, will be funded by the estate.
Jacob goes to his money belt.
JACOB
Here -- two hundred dollars, and
please, don’t be offended, but this
money is for expenses, so please, use
it wisely, no drunken exploits.
The brothers sit silently as they look at the money.
Genres:
["Western","Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
45 -
Chaos at the Pee Spring Saloon
INT. GENERAL STORE - DAY
Samuel and Bret look around the store.
SERIES OF SHOTS: “THE MAKEOVER”
-- Bret handles two, ivory-handled, guns and displays skills.
-- the brothers check out new boots, hats, and clothing.
-- in the barber shop, they bathe, shave, and hair cut.
-- they appear outside the barber shop looking as if they
just stepped off of a Wild West Cowboy Magazine.
END OF SERIES
INT. PEE SPRING SALOON/TABLE - DAY
Jacob sits with a pile of paperwork. Dakota comes over.
JACOB
Good day, sir. What can I do for you?
DAKOTA
Your a lawyer, right?
JACOB
Yes, from the Chicago firm of
Liebermann, Robem and...
DAKOTA
Yeah, yeah, I got it. Look, it appears
I might have myself a minor problem --
these C-MAC people, they’re...
EXT. PEE SPRING SALOON - DAY
A town meeting has been called and cowboys, drifters, and all
of the towns menfolk move towards, and into the saloon.
INT. PEE SPRINGS SALOON - CONTINUOUS
Sheriff Katches Kane is three sheets to the wind, he shouts.
KATCHES
Okay, you lovers, come to order.
The noise continues. Katches fires his gun into the ceiling.
A muffled scream is heard from a room above.
MAN’S VOICE (O.S.)
Ahhh!.. My friggin’ ass!
KATCHES
(screams)
I said, order!
The meeting comes to order.
KATCHES
Okay, we need to know what them
heathen savages is up to, and more
importantly, what their intentions
are. Are we all agreed?
ALL
Agreed, Katches!
KATCHES
And we need to find out if they’re
gonna raid the town, steal our women,
and try to pillage and rape our
livestock -- do we all agree?
ALL
Huh?
KATCHES
Do we all agree?
Everyone looks around.
ALL
Whatever you say, Katches?
KATCHES
And, who better to send -- cause he
probably won’t be missed, but old,
Whisky, a man of integrity, stealth,
and -
(hiccups)
- someone who ain’t too bright...
MAYOR
But, Katches, the man smells, they’ll
detect him a mile away.
KATCHES
Ah-ha, but not if he approaches
downwind.
ALL
Huh?
KATCHES
He’s honest, dependable, and will swim
through crocodile shit for a bottle.
Is everyone agreeable?
ALL
We’re with you, Katches!..
MAYOR
But what if he’s captured?
KATCHES
Then we’ll, daahhh... Send someone
else. Are we all singing from the same
hymn sheet?
ALL
You bet your sweet ass, Katches!
Whisky throws open the double saloon doors.
WHISKY
Someone call for, Whisky Wise?
Again the doors swing back and knock him flat on his ass.
WHISKY
(to himself, dazed)
- you ain’t never gonna learn, you
fruitcake.
A stick of dynamite comes flying through the open doors, its
fuze, fizzing,
MAYOR
(screams)
SCATTER!
Everyone dives for cover. Whisky drags the piano and drops it
over the dynamite. It explodes. The piano, plink-plonks, then
disintegrates in a pile of wood and metal.
A muffled man’s voice from a room above cries out!
VOICE (O.S.)
(muffled)
Jesus, Cha-Cha, I swear the earth
moved, baby.
KATCHES
Is everyone okay?
Everyone rises, dusts themselves down, and continues as if
nothing had occurred.
WHISKY
(shouts)
Sorry about the piano, Dakota.
DAKOTA
No worries, I have a spare in the
back.
KATCHES
Whisky -- glad you could make it.
WHISKY
Ah-ha? So, what’s the scoop?
KATCHES
We need a volunteer to journey to the
Crow encampment and find out what them
savages is up to.
Whisky looks around.
WHISKY
And ya thought of me?
ALL
That we did!
WHISKY
Well, don’t that beat all...
(a little indignant)
Are you friggin’ NUTS!.. The Crow
encampment!.. Sorry, boys, get
yourself another patsy, I’m outta
here.
A cowboy blocks his path.
KATCHES
We gotta plan, Whisky.
WHISKY
Are you crazy, them Crow would scalp
me just as soon as look at me. Nah --
not me Vicar, I like my hair parted
just the way it is, I’ll pass.
The Mayor holds up two bottles of whisky.
MAYOR
We got a couple of bottles with your
name on them.
WHISKY
Yeah, but is it whisky, or Dakota’s,
“give this shit to the peasants“,
crap?
Dakota stands at the end of the bar.
DAKOTA
You wanna pick a fight or get drunk?
WHISKY
Drunk, sounds preferable.
MAYOR
So, do ya want it or not?
Genres:
["Western","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
46 -
Seduction and Distress at the Pee Saloon
EXT. PEE SALOON/REAR LANDING - SAME TIME
While the meeting is still in session, Slim sneaks up the
staircase and bangs on a landing door. Cha-Cha, in a
negligee, opens the opposite door.
CHA-CHA
Slim.
Slim turns.
SLIM
Huh?.. Baby, I feel abused.
CHA-CHA
Sweetness. Come to momma and allow
these babies to soothe your beaten
brow.
SLIM
Be gentle with me.
Cha-Cha, grabs him and whips him in.
BACK TO THE MEETING.
INT. PEE SPRINGS SALOON - CONTINUOUS
Whisky stuffs the two bottles into his coat.
KATCHES
Whisky, the town needs to be
forewarned, get out there, and be a
hero -- send us the usual sign if you
think the towns in danger.
He accepts a large bulky cloth bag, which he tucks into his
belt.
WHISKY
It’s been educational, folks, a pile
of horse shit, but educational.
Whisky exits the saloon.
KATCHES
Now, what are we gonna do about this C-
MAC mob?..
EXT. PEE SPRING SALOON - CONTINUOUS
Whisky stuffs the cloth bag into his saddle bag, mounts up,
and rides out of town.
EXT. HILLSIDE/OVERLOOKING THE CROW ENCAMPMENT - LATER
Whisky dismounts and kneels, and looking through a pair of
eye magnify glasses spots a bedraggled woman exiting a large
tepee. She can hardly walk.
WHISKY
Oh, my God!.. It’s, Helga Gröber!
Avert your eyes, Pepper, this woman
has been defiled!
EXT. CROW CAMP/WYASKA’S TEPEE (CONTINUOUS)
Helga, in a German accent, “SCREAMS”!
HELGA
Pillage, rape! You kidnap me, decimate
me, destroy my innocence, then defile
me. Vhy, you young, stum-schaser, vye?
She looks to the tepee and screams again. The bare-chested,
Wyaska, exits, he lets out a loud, war-cry!
WYASKA
Si-na-kaca-wah!
She runs and pounds on the Chief’s chest.
HELGA
(German accent)
You filsy schvine! You take me, use me
like a discarded vag doll, rape and
ravish me, and now?..
HER eyes drop to Wyaska’s enormous calf-skinned thong, then
in a moment of sheer ecstasy, she lets out a high-pitched
singing-like vocalization.
HELGA
(admiration)
Ah-haaaah...
Wyaska, looks to camera with a cheeky smile.
HELGA
Liebschien! My brave, handsome, young
schtud!.. Come to Momma, you were
obviously at the front of the line
when they were handing out, Schtuffer-
Vanglers!
(looks up)
Danke Schon, Mein Allmächtige!
Genres:
["Comedy","Western","Satire"]
Ratings
Scene
47 -
A Misguided Warning
EXT. HILLSIDE - DAY
A pack of braves lead a horse over to Wyaska, he mounts, and
the braves ride out of the camp.
WHISKY
This ain’t makin’ no sense, unless?..
REALIZATION! MUSIC STABS! ”DA-DA, DA-DAAA!”
WHISKY
Maybe Twodogs was right. Them varmints
are gonna fire the town!
Whisky looks to his saddle bag and takes out the cloth bag.
WHISKY
Frieda, time to move yer ass, get a
message home.
Whisky reaches into the cloth bag and takes out, FRIEDA, a
very fat, homing pigeon. He takes a small piece of red cloth,
attaches it to one of her legs, then releases the bird. She
drops to the floor and coo’s.
WHISKY
Frieda!.. You’re a friggin‘ bird --
fly, for Christ’s sake.
Frieda bobs a few times then takes off.
WHISKY
Go, Frieda!.. Take it to town. Show
them bozos the signal... Go!
Freda flies around in circles then lands on a nearby tree
starts to head bob and makes cooing noises at a potential
mate. Whisky shouts.
WHISKY
Move yer ass, you bastard!
Whisky picks up a rock and hurls it at Frieda, misses by a
mile.
WHISKY
You can get your leg over any time!
Frieda flies off. Whisky, his mission accomplished, heads for
town.
EXT. MILLS CROSSING/TOWN CENTER - DUSK
Whisky enters Main Street just as Frieda is seen flying into
view. She hovers on the wind, momentarily, Whisky looks up.
WHISKY
Where you been, you flea-ridden
varmint?
Frieda circles, craps, prepares to land, then BANG! A
drunken cowboy, with bird-shit on his hat, wings her. Frieda
drops into a nearby horse trough.
COWBOY
(shouts)
That’ll teach ya!
Whisky rolls up his sleeves, fishes around, retrieves Frieda,
lays her on the boardwalk, and attempts to revive her.
WHISKY
Come on you dumb bird, breathe!
Frieda chokes, coughs up a couple of beak-fulls of water,
then, with a sickening “COO”, bites the dust.Whisky shouts to
the cowboy.
WHISKY
You crazy bastard, this was a homing
pidgin!
COWBOY
Not no more, it ain’t!
INT. PEE SPRING SALOON - NIGHT
Whisky enters and shouts.
WHISKY
Grab yer guns. They’re coming!
DAKOTA
Who coming?
WHISKY
Father friggin’ Christmas, you moron,
who do you think, the Crow. A war
party, maybe fifty-strong!
DAKOTA
They ain’t coming today Whisky,
today’s, “The Sun Dance Ceremony.”
WHISKY
Come again?
DAKOTA
The Sun Dance Ceremony, they celebrate
for about a week, that’s why they
raided the Pee, to get extra booze...
WHISKY
Really?
A shout from a card table.
REGULATOR LUKE (O.S.)
Cheating, mother-fucker!
Genres:
["Western","Comedy","Action"]
Ratings
Scene
48 -
Tension at the Poker Table
INT. PEE SPRING/ANGEL’S POKER TABLE - CONTINUOUS
Regulator, LUKE, upends the table and throws it to one side.
Angel holds a gun pointed directly at Luke’s crouch.
ANGEL
(to Luke)
I think it’s time you hightailed it
outta here, or that tiny pecker, you
like to call a pee-pee, is gonna be
looking for a new home.
Two other Regulators bend down to take a close look at Luke’s
crotch, they smirk.
REGULATOR
Ya got yerself a small pecker there,
Luke?
LUKE
Fuck, you!
The Regulator’s smirk.
LUKE
(to Angel)
You pig-shit! This ain’t over.
ANGEL
(calmly)
Oh, it’s so over.
Stretch, who stands at the bar, shouts.
STRETCH
Regulators?.. Out!
The Regulators reluctantly leave. Angel doffs his hat at
Stretch. Stretch acknowledges.
EXT. HOMESTEAD/WOMACK HILLS - DAY
Horses and steers lie dead in a corral. From the shack,
screams are audible. Stretch and three Regulators drag a
MINER out of the shack, kick and pistol-whip him.
Two more Regulators hog-tie the wife between two trees and
rip her dress. A Regulator fires several arrows into the
woman’s body then shoots flaming arrows at the shack. The
miner is scalped.
STRETCH
That should do it. Let’s go, men.
INT. PEE SPRING SALOON/BAR - NIGHT
Bret, and Samuel, unrecognizable after their makeover, enter
the saloon. They move to the bar.
BRET
Two of your best whiskys, bartender!
All the characters at the bar move to give them space.
SAMUEL
Amazing what a new set of duds and a
haircut can do, ay, brother?
They then spot Angel being fronted by Luke, the Regulator.
Genres:
["Western","Action"]
Ratings
Scene
49 -
Chaos at the Pee Spring Saloon
INT. THE PEE/ANGEL'S POKER TABLE - CONTINUOUS
LUKE goes for his gun. Angel draws both guns and in a
lightning move, riddles Luke.
LUKE
You, you... Gee that smarts!
Luke, looking cross-eyed falls flat on his face.
INT. PEE SPRING SALOON - CONTINUOUS
Angel is reloading as Katches comes running in and fires his
gun in the air. A muffled scream is heard from a room above.
MAN’S VOICE (O.S.)
(muffled)
Ahhh!.. AGAIN!.. Some mother only went
and shot me in the ass! That’s twice!
Katches looks to the deceased Regulator.
KATCHES
What the hell’s going down?
ANGEL
Just cleaning house, Katches.
KATCHES
You kill this bum?
ANGEL
Uh-ha.
KATCHES
Angel, you can’t go round killing
people.
ANGEL
Self-defense, pure and simple.
Katches looks at Dakota who gives a lazy salute.
KATCHES
Dakota, you fixin’ to bury this
hombre?
DAKOTA
If you insist, Sheriff.
KATCHES
I do! The townsfolk ain’t responsible
for no killin’s and burials.
Katches looks around at the saloon girls.
KATCHES
Unless of course, you’d, ah... Like to
stand me one of your fillies for a
couple of hours?
DAKOTA
Take your pick, sheriff.
Katches grabs hold of young Bella, heads upstairs, turns and
looks down from the top of the stairs.
Genres:
["Western","Comedy","Action"]
Ratings
Scene
50 -
Lawless Declarations
INT. PEE SPRING SALOON/BEDROOM BALCONY - CONTINUOUS
Katches gives a proud exclamation as if giving an election
style speech.
KATCHES
I declare this deceased hombre is just
that, dead, deceased, and guilty as
charged. One-on-one? A fair fight...
Gentlemen! In a town where the law is
the law, and there ain’t no judge and
no jury, dead is dead, and dead is
final, and no one can dispute that...
And as the good Lord says in the book
of Revelations... Shit happens!
Katches turns gathers up the girl and disappears into a room.
INT. PEE SPRING SALOON/END OF BAR - CONTINUOUS
Toothless looks at Dakota.
TOOTHLESS
That man has one hell of a
constitutional, he just got through
messin’ with Becky an hour ago.
DAKOTA
Go Katches.
INT. PEE SPRING'S SALOON/CARD TABLE - LATER
Elijah, a rich looking dude in a top hat and frock coat that
partially covers a silver braid waistcoat walks into the bar
and looks over to Dakota and shouts.
ELIJAH
Dakota, you promised us
entertainment... Any chance this year?
DAKOTA
All things come to those who wait,
Elijah.
ELIJAH
And monkeys like nuts, sir!
DAKOTA
That they may, but can they do this?..
Dakota points to the stage.
Genres:
["Western","Comedy","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
51 -
From Jeers to Cheers: A Shakespearean Triumph
INT. PEE SPRING SALOON/STAGE AREA - CONTINUOUS
Quentin and Julian, both in costume and makeup, peek around
the stage curtain, both are terrified. Quentin steps onto the
stage to the jeers of the surprised crowd. Quentin makes an
announcement.
QUENTIN
Ladies and Gentlemen, it is our
pleasure to perform for you, scene
one, act four, of the William
Shakespeare's play, “The Merchant of
Venice.” I shall be playing Shylock,
and my friend Julian, will play all
the other characters. Thank you.
Julian steps onto the stage. They both bow to a miniscule
reception.
JULIAN
“The Merchant of Venice”
The crowd quieten down.
QUENTIN
Is your name Shylock?
JULIAN
Shylock is my name.
QUENTIN
Of a strange nature is the suit you
follow, Yet in such rule that the
Venetian law cannot impugn you as you
do proceed. You stand within his
danger, do you not?
JULIAN
Ay, so he says.
QUENTIN
Do you confess the bond?
JULIAN
I do. The quality of mercy is not
strain’d, it droppeth as the gentle
rain from heaven upon the place
beneath: it is twice blest; It
blesseth him that gives and him that
takes: ‘tis mightiest in the
mightiest: it becomes the throned
monarch better than his crown; his
sceptre shows the force of temporal
power, the attribute to awe and
majesty, wherein doth...
TOOTHLESS
(shouts)
Can’t understand a friggin’ word! Move
it along!
The crowd, now mesmerized by the performance.
ALL
(ad-libs to Toothless)
Shut it... Get on with yer friggin’
job... etc, etc.
JULIAN
(continues)
- Wherein doth sit the dread and fear
of kings; But mercy is above this
sceptred sway; it is enthroned in the
hearts of kings, it is an attribute to
God himself; And earthly power doth
then show likest God’s When mercy
seasons justice.
The crowd cheer. Julian and Quentin’s performance continues
over the following scenes.
Genres:
["Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
52 -
A Clash of Cultures: Mercy and Peace
EXT. CROW ENCAMPMENT - DAY
Jacobs in his Hasidic finery and huge Shtreimel hat, rides
Sylvia along the sacred valley towards the Crow camp.
JULIAN (O.S.)
Therefore, Jew, though justice be thy
plea, consider this -
A bunch of Crow indians ride up and surround Jacob. Jacob
indicates that he comes in peace and holds the Torah up high.
He is escorted into the encampment.
JULIAN (O.S.)
That, in the course of justice, none
of us should see salvation:
INT. EAGLE CLAW’S TEPEE - SAME TIME
Jacob meets with Wyaska and the tribe elders. As they
converse, An agreement appears to have formulated, and a long
decorative pipe is passed around. They place their arms to
their chests and a clasping of hands they embrace. Jacob
holds up the Torah, they appear to pray.
JULIAN (V.O.)
- we do pray for mercy; And that same
prayer doth teach us all to render The
deeds of mercy. I have spoke thus much
To mitigate the justice of thy plea;
Which if thou follow, this strict
court of Venice must needs give
sentence ‘gainst the merchant there.
INT. PEE/STAGE AREA - SAME TIME
Julian’s performance continues but his words are virtually
drowned out by the crowds enthusiasm.
JULIAN
It is mightiest in the mightiest; it
becomes the throned monarch better
than his crown: his sceptre shows the
force of temporal power, the attribute
to awe and majesty...
Stretch and the Enforcers enter the saloon, throw members of
the audience off their tables and sit.
STRETCH
(shouts)
Bartender, whisky and beer!
Julian continues, ignoring the disruption.
JULIAN
Wherein doth sit the dread and fear of
kings; but mercy is above this
sceptred sway; it is enthronèd in the
hearts of kings, it is an attribute to
God himself.
They both take a bow and the crowd go wild, whoops and shot
are fired into the air.
QUINTINE
(to Julian)
Oh, love -- I think we’ve cracked it
here.
Julian and Quentin, enthralled, bow, kiss, then hug. They
hold hands and bow again.
Genres:
["Western","Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
53 -
Showdown at the Pee Spring Saloon
INT. PEE SPRING SALOON/BAR - CONTINUOUS
In the rowdiness of the performance Samuel and Bret make
their way through the crowd, Samuel purposely brushes past
one of the original, BULLY-BOY COWBOYS. He nudges the cowboy
arm, forcing the cowboy to spill his drink.
COWBOY
(to Samuel)
Mind your manners, boy!
SAMUEL
(to cowboy)
Boy?
COWBOY
You heard, shithead! You gotta problem
with that?
SAMUEL
I don’t, but I think my brother might.
Bret joins Samuel.
BRET
Maybe you got a spittoon you believe
we should use, mister?
COWBOY
Huh?
The cowboy looks hard. He recognizes the brothers.
COWBOY
What, the...
He attempts to draw his gun, but Bret has him covered before
he can even get his gun out of its holster.
SAMUEL
You was sayin’?
COWBOY
Jesus, boy!.. Ain’t no one on earth
that fast.
SAMUEL
That’s been said before -- plug him,
Mad-Dog?
COWBOY
Mad-Dog?.. You ain’t the Mad-Dog Kid?
SAMUEL
Sure looks that way.
COWBOY
It was rumored you was dead, Kid?
Samuel, shouts to a miner, standing further down the bar.
SAMUEL
You wanna kick along that spittoon?
The miner kicks the spittoon along the floor. Samuel picks it
up.
SAMUEL
This look familiar?
Bret faces off against the cowboy. The crowd search for cover
Julian and QUENTIN “SCREAM” and hold each other, and the
cowboy is sweating profusely.
COWBOY
(wiping floods of sweat)
Mister, I’m beggin’ ya!
After a few seconds.
BRET
Let it go, Bro, just ain’t worth the
fuss.
Samuel drops the spittoon. The brothers move through the
crowd towards Angel’s table, a drifter shouts.
DRIFTER
Why’d they call ya, Mad-Dog, Kid?
BRET
(chuckles, then, howls)
AaaaaahWoooooo.
COWBOY
(shouts)
You reckon you still got it. Mad-Dog?
Bret in lightning speed, turns, kneels, and with both guns
blazing, sends the spittoon up in the air, with a hail of
bullets.
Smoke fills the room and as it disperses, behind the bar,
Toothless is hopping around.
SAMUEL
(to Bret)
You’re gettin’ sloppy, Bro, check out
old Toothless.
INT. PEE SPRING SALOON/BEHIND THE BAR - CONTINUOUS
Toothless, his index fingertip severed jumps up and down.
TOOTHLESS
Ooh, ah, Jesus, shit, ahhh, ooh...
INT. ANGELS TABLE - CONTINUOUS
Angel stands and slowly claps. Quintine and Julian, still
terrified, are stood in a puddle of pee. Dakota walks over
and joins Angel and the brothers at the table.
DAKOTA
(to Bret)
Impressive. You reckon you could face
down the Regulators?
BRET
You talkin’, Stretch?
ANGEL
No value, boys, leave them cards where
they lie.
Genres:
["Western","Action","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
54 -
Confrontation at C-MAC
INT. C-MAC/OFFICE - MILLS CROSSING - DAY
Bret and Samuel enter the office.
DALEY
(surprised)
Gentlemen?
BRET
What’s with the purchase of all the
available land round here, Daley?
Daley
(shouts)
Stretch!..
(to brothers)
Who the fuck are you?
SAMUEL
Let’s just say, interested parties...
DALEY
What the... Get the fuck, outta here.
(shouts)
Stretch!..
Stretch enters with four Regulators.
DALEY
Throw these bums out!
Stretch makes to grab Samuel.
BRET
You, really wanna do that?
DALEY
Get ‘em out!
Bret draws. Stretch and the regulators pull back.
STRETCH
Whoa!.. Who the FUCK, are ya?
BRET
The kinda folk, that don’t like to be
manhandled... Now if it’s all the same
to you, we’ve come lookin’ for a
resolution!
Stretch looks to Daley.
STRETCH
Jesus, he’s fast!
A moment’s contemplation.
DALEY
Maybe I was a little hasty. Okay,
Stretch, I’ve got this.
Stretch and the Regulators exit.
DALEY
Gentlemen, I’m sorry, we seem to have
got off on the wrong foot -- please --
take a seat.
The brothers sit.
DALEY
Let me explain why we’re here, and why
it’s so important that we tie up all
the property and land.
Daley moves over to the wall where a large map of Mills
Crossing, the Valley, and surrounding areas, hangs.
DALEY
My company, the Chicago Mining and
Acquisition Corporation, wishes to
turn this whole area into a sort of
historic, theme-type, exhibition.
BRET
A what?
DALEY
Picture it. An original old mining
town, in its original setting, with
genuine buildings, a saloon, and
stores. Actors, playing miners and
townsfolk, everything looking
original, a saloon that functions,
gunfights in the streets, Indian
raids, a town set in a time warp,
where the public interacts with the
actors and feel a part of history.
We think the attraction would boost
the region, and we, as a company,
being the first to do a project of
this magnitude, could benefit greatly,
we’re convinced it would be immensely
popular with the public, and our
shareholders.
BRET
A historic, exhibition?
DALEY
Ah-ha.
SAMUEL
(to Bret)
I can see the value, especially as the
town is having problems just
surviving.
DALEY
You see, it’s a win, win, situation.
Everyone benefits.
SAMUEL
So, what’s with, the strong-arm
tactics?
DALEY
Yes, I apologize for my associates,
they tend to be a little overzealous
at times. I will ask them to temper
their approach... May I ask what your
involvement is, with regard to this
situation?
SAMUEL
Sure. We own all the land from the
Pass to the base of Stokeville in the
North, and, Chatsworth to the
Foothills.
Daley, flabbergasted.
DALEY
Did you say, you owned the land?
BRET
Ah-ha...
DALEY
So this would mean that all the land
and holdings already acquired, are not
legal acquisitions?
BRET
Sorry, bud.
DALEY
(shouts)
Stretch!..
(to the brothers)
Gentlemen, if you would excuse me, I
need to digest this information, as it
greatly compromises our plans.
Bret and Samuel, get up.
BRET
Take it easy with the folks, yeah?
DALEY
I’m sorry?
SAMUEL
The residents.
DALEY
Oh.. Yes, of course.
Bret and Samuel exit.
Genres:
["Western","Drama","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
55 -
Hostility at C-MAC
EXT. C-MAC OFFICES - DAY
Jacob, checking through Dakota’s Pee saloon walks to the C-
MAC office, he folds the lease and knocks on the door.
DALEY (O.S.)
What is it?
Jacob opens the door and enters.
INT. C-MAC OFFICES - CONTINUOUS
Stretch, unseen by Jacob, stands behind the door. Jacob moves
to the desk.
JACOB
Good afternoon, sir, may I?
Jacob gestures to the chair.
DALEY
Stretch? You wanna stand over here?
Jacob turns to see Stretch. Stretch moves over and stands
behind Daley.
DALEY
Now, what can I do for you, Mr.?..
JACOB
Liebermann, Jacob Liebermann, from the
Chicago law firm of, Liebermann,
Robem, and Rum.
DALEY
Fancy title for a lawyer in a hick
town?
JACOB
Ah, my initial quest was for other
purposes.
DALEY
I see... So, again. What can I do for
you?
JACOB
I‘d like, without appearing to be
offensive, to speak to you privately.
-DALEY
I have no secrets from my associate,
you may speak freely.
JACOB
Very well -- I have been retained to
look into the reasons why the Chicago
Mining and Acquisitions Corporation is
attempting to purchase the Pee Spring
Saloon?
DALEY
Hmm... And who’s retained you?
JACOB
I’m afraid I am not at liberty to
divulge that information, as it is
confidential.
DALEY
Then we have nothing further to
discuss. Good day.
JACOB
Mr. Daley, I can assure you, I have
the authority to be asking these
questions. I must insist you give me
the relevant information.
DALEY
You insist? You come into my office,
and insist?..
JACOB
Well, I...
DALEY
You shit-kicking excuse for a Jew-boy,
lawyer. Get the fuck outta, here!
JACOB
Mr. Daley, may I suggest, a modicum of
decorum?
DALEY
Modicum of! You tinhorn, self
righteous bastard... Stretch, throw
this joker out!
Stretch moves over to Jacob, slaps him viciously, grabs him
by the collar, and throws him out.
DALEY
Stretch, make sure he remembers his
first and final meeting with C-MAC.
EXT. C-MAC/OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Stretch pushes Jacob into the dirt and calls on three
Regulators who proceed to viciously attack him. Jacob, after
a terrible beating, lies unconscious in the dirt. Townsfolk
gather to look at his seemingly, lifeless body.
Bret and Samuel, on seeing a commotion, run and discover the
horrendous sight. Stretch and his six Regulators stand
smiling outside the C-MAC office.
Bret, in a fit of rage, attempts to reach Stretch but is held
back by Samuel and others.
BRET
(to Regulators)
This ain’t over!.. You want a war? You
got yourself a war!
SAMUEL
Leave it, Bro, we need to get Jacob to
the doctor.
The brothers carry Jacob across the street and into the
doctors office.
INT. C-MAC/OFFICE - LATER
Daley is scribbling a message on a piece of paper. Stretch
enters.
STRETCH
You think we’ve maybe gone too far?
DALEY
I employ you to act, not think!.. Now
get this over to the telegraph office,
and get them to wire it immediately.
CLOSE-IN ON MESSAGE, IT READS: “Send a team of Regulators
immediately, unexpected complications”
Genres:
["Western","Drama","Action"]
Ratings
Scene
56 -
The Call to Arms at Pee Spring Saloon
INT. PEE SPRING SALOON - DUSK
The bar is packed with all kinds of crazy characters. Dakota
stands on the bar-top.
DAKOTA
- ten dollars a day, to any man
willing to stay out for three days and
nights, a third now, the rest when you
return. Plus whisky, beer, food, and
warm clothing.
ALL
(ad-libs)
Sounds fair... I’m in... Deal... Count
me in...
DAKOTA
Okay, pick up a marker. You can
collect your rations, food, goods, and
ammo at the general store. Katches,
here, will be in charge. Any
questions?
DRIFTER
Yeah! Any chance you can send a couple
of them girlies of yourn for a little
winter warming?
All laugh.
DAKOTA
Ain’t sure they’d be up for that. But
as a special bonus, for anyone who
gets injured, two nights of humpin’
and healin’ with a girl of your
choice.
ALL
(ad-libs)
Yahoo... Let’s get out there, boys...
I’ll take a bullet any time for a
couple of nights with that, Cha-Cha’s,
cha-cha’s...
EXT. MILLS PASS - NIGHT
Katches and ten MEN ride into the pass, locally known as the
Gateway to Hell. Katches strategically places the men in
vantage points.
KATCHES
(shouts)
Okay, you bums, no one falls asleep-
keep your eyes peeled and yer mouths
shut, and please. Stay sober!
EXT. MILLS PASS - NEXT DAY AT DAWN
The sound of multiple hooves galloping is audible. From
behind a protruding ridge, twenty or so, Regulators emerge.
KATCHES
Freddie, get back to town, let ‘em
know the Regulators have arrived. Tell
‘em, twenty or more -- we’ll hold ‘em
off for as long as possible.
FREDDIE
Got it
Freddie mounts and rides away.
Genres:
["Western","Action","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
57 -
Showdown at Mills Pass
EXT. MILLS PASS - LATER
The Regulators get within earshot. Katches stands and fires a
shot into the air. The Regulators pull up.
KATCHES
(shouts)
That’s far enough, boys, you ain’t
welcome here. Turn around, and ride
away!
LEAD ENFORCER
And who might you be, friend?
KATCHES
Sheriff Katches Kane, Mills enforcer.
LEAD ENFORCER
(shouts)
Enforcer, eh?
(turns)
You hear that boys? We got ourselves
an enforcer.
The Regulators all laugh.
LEAD ENFORCER
(to Ketchas)
They’ll be no need for enforcing,
here, partner, we’s peace lovin’
parishioners?
KATCHES
Well, mister, we don’t allow no teams
of vigilantes passing through our nice
little town, that is of course unless
they have a notion to bypass Mills.
LEAD ENFORCER
Just room and board for the night.
KATCHES
Hotels all full up. I run an orderly
town, no worries, no headaches, no
bullshit. I sleep good at night and
don’t get me wrong, but hell-raisers
disturbing the peace, I don’t need.
LEAD ENFORCER
Now that’s a shame, ‘cause we ain’t
got no option, but to pass.
The lead Enforcer dispatches some of the men to climb the
rocks for better vantage points.
KATCHES
(shouts)
Then motherfucker’s, eat lead!
The defenders open fire, a shoot-out commences. One by one
Katchas’s men are picked off by the Regulator snipers.
KATCHES
(shouts)
Men... Pick your targets.
Katches, realizing that a defense action is futile, mounts
and heads for town.
Genres:
["Western","Action","Drama"]
Ratings
Scene
58 -
Defiance at Dusk
EXT. MAIN STREET - DUSK
Various townsfolk are set on roofs, and various positions.
Ezra, Finbah, Luther, and Whisky, are positioned to the rear
end of town as a rear-guard.
Bret, Samuel, Dakota, Angel, Twodogs, and Toothless stand in
the center of the street behind a barricade of upturned open
wagons, and are joined by Katches and two deputies.
Preacher Slim, Cha-Cha, and Mayor Finkle, watch from the
window of the jailhouse.
ANGEL
Fourteen against God knows how many...
I’ve seen, worse odds.
A cowboy gallops down Main Street, he’s been shot in the
chest, Bret grabs hold of the horse’s reins and helps the man
down.
COWBOY
They got through, maybe eighteen of
them. We couldn’t hold ‘em.
BRET
Where’s the rest of the men?
COWBOY
Dead or injured, they caught us in a
crossfire.
DAKOTA
(to Toothless)
Get him over to the docs and get your
ass back here.
Toothless helps the man away. Jacob limps up the street
carrying a scattergun.
JACOB
Count me in, gentlemen.
SAMUEL
What the hell are you doing, Jacob,
you couldn’t hit a brick shit-house at
ten paces?
JACOB
Maybe not, but I can, as you might
say. “Scare the shit out of them.”
BRET
Go, Jacob!
JACOB
This thing makes the most almighty
noise.
Ma Digger appears.
MA DIGGER
Bout time I shot me, some of these bad-
assed varmints.
SLIM (O.S.)
(shouts)
Ma, get yourself in here!
Immediately!
MA DIGGER
Go suck a lemon, boy!
DAKOTA
He’s right, Ma. You need to be
somewhere safe.
MA DIGGER
Fuck him, ya can’t live forever, and I
can’t think of a better way to go...
She leans on an upturned wagon.
MA DIGGER
Bring it on!
ANGEL
(laughs)
Told you she was a feisty old broad!
EXT. BLACKSMITHS FORGE - LATER
The newly arrived Regulators ride into town. Stretch, on
horseback, directs them to line up across the street. Stood
behind the line is Daley.
STRETCH
Okay, they got shooters on rooftops,
there and there, Ben, take two of your
best shots and pick ‘em off.
A buckboard, stacked full of bales of hay, is pulled from the
forge.
STRETCH
Josh, you and Hank, get ready to fire
the wagon and send the bastards to
hell!
Genres:
["Western","Action","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
59 -
The Turning Tide
EXT. MILLS CROSSING/STREET - CONTINUOUS
Ma jumps on top of the wagon and, screaming like a banshee,
starts to dance a jig and gives the finger to the Regulators.
MA DIGGER
Come on, you bunch of piss-heads.
BRET
(laughing)
Go Ma, that’ll scare the shit outta
them.
SLIM
(from the goal)
Ma, will you get down!
MA DIGGER
Up yours, concentrate on yer whores do
da’s!
ANGEL
The wagon!.. Those bastards are gonna
try to burn us out.
Regulators with lit torches make their way behind the houses
and stores of Main Street.
STRETCH
(shouts)
On my command, fire the stores and
housed!
SAMUEL
Twodogs, signal the rooftops.
The feed store is set ablaze.
Twodogs waves his arms in the air, Whisky signals back. The
Regulators are seen to move slowly ride down the street.
MA DIGGER
(shouts)
We got something to die for, shit for
brains!
(to herself)
Where the hells the cavalry when ya
need ‘em?
From the end of Main Street, blood-curdling war cries are
heard. Arrows fly between the gaps of the buildings as two
more stores are set ablaze.
KATCHES
We’re screwed -- they got the injun’s
bought and paid for. They’re gonna
come at us from all sides.
Angel signals everyone to come down and join them on the
street.
BRET
(screams to Samuel)
Like the boys in the trenches, Sam,
two defensive circles!
SAMUEL
On it!
Samuel gets everyone to get into two circles, The front
circle kneeling and the inner circle standing.
BRET
When I give the command, “FRONT”! The
front circle fires. “BACK” the inner
circle fires. You all got that?
ALL
Got it.
SAMUEL
Where’s bloody Ezra?
A scream is heard, as a Regulator, staggers onto Main Street,
a flaming arrow protruding from his back. Then another. The
street is then filled with wild horses galloping from the far
end of the street.
On the horses are Crow braves riding flat so as not to be
seen. Bret shouts.
JACOB
Everyone lie flat, I’ve read that
horses won’t trample humans!
FERGAL
Sure the man’s lost his mind, we’re
all soon be covered in horse shit!
WHISKY
Heads down!
The stampede of Crow horses jump over the defenders, and
charge up the incline to the Regulators.
FERGAL
Sure the lawyers boyo’s got himself a
mind of useful information.
MA DIGGER
Amen, to that!
A fierce battle ensues. The Regulators outnumbered, lie dead
or mortally injured in the street. Wyaska and his braves busy
themselves taking scalps, clothing, and the spoils of war.
Stretch runs from the forge holding a bundle of dynamite, he
screams for Bret.
STRETCH
Mad-Dog! You got the guts to face off?
Bret draws, aims, and fires. The bullet lights the fuze on
the dynamite. Stretch looks at the fizzing short fuse.
CLOSE-UP “ON STRETCH”
STRETCH
Oh, shit!
There is silence as the Crow scatter away from Stretch.
STRETCH
You yellow-bellied, motherfuc...
There is an almighty explosion, the ground around Stretch
erupts throwing pieces of Stretch’s body fifty feet into the
air.
Daley, beaten and bloodied is led by two braves from the
forge, he is strapped between two horses. Wyaska smacks the
horses, and the horses race down Main Street. They pass both
sides of the defenders.
A ripping sound is heard.
MA DIGGER
Jesus!.. I heard two’s company, but...
WHISKY
Heads or tails, Ma.
MA DIGGER
You’re a bad ass!
TWODOGS
Maybe, I get his boots?
ALL
Twodogs!
Wyaska looks to the heavens, screams, and starts to dance.
He abruptly stops, looks to the defenders encirclement,
mounts, and slowly walks his pony down to Bret and Samuel. He
dismounts.
WYASKA
You... You, Risley’s -- ancestor of
grandpa Mills?
BRET
(apprehensively)
Ah-ha
WYASKA
This land -
(gestures, around)
- great Chief’s gift to your
grandfather.
Wyaska points to Jacob.
WYASKA
This man, he show us, our ways, not
good -- we now are as one nation,
nation of Israel, live in peace.
He mounts up, gestures to Jacob, and rides away, followed by
the Crow braves.
MA DIGGER
Well, suck on a grannies toe. That Jew
boy... He only went and gone and
converted ‘em.
Everyone laughs and start congratulating each other.
Genres:
["Western","Action","Comedy"]
Ratings
Scene
60 -
From Burials to Dreams: The Transformation of Mills Crossing
EXT. BOOT HILL/BURIAL TRENCH - MILLS CROSSING - DAWN
Dakota, Bret, Whisky, Samuel, Angel, and Finbah, complete
dragging the remains of the Regulators bodies. A small
sinkhole appears adjacent.
EZRA (O.S.)
(echoey, from the hole)
“I am the voice of the proclamation,
behold my powers”...
A huge explosion as flames and waterspouts shoot from the
opening. A vast amount of earth is blasted everywhere.
FINBAH
Bejesus, It’s him, himself! The ghost
of Deluch, come to haunt us.
Ezra’s muddied head pops up from the hole.
EZRA
Miss me, did ya...
SAMUEL
What the...
EZRA
I thought the extra dynamite might
come in handy.
Everyone laughs.
IRIS OUT TO
BLACK.
SUPER: “THE EPILOGUE”
IRIS IN.
EXT. BOOT HILL/BURIAL TRENCH - LATER
Ma Digger sits on a pile of earth that was blown from the
hole. She spots something glinting and pick it up, discovers
it’s a small nugget. She moves dirt, finds another, then
another.
MA DIGGER
Boys. I think ya just got yourselves a
whole bunch of happiness.
INT. THE BLACKSTONE HOTEL/RESTAURANT - CHICAGO - DAY
Bret and Samuel, both immaculately dressed, are sat eating
lunch. Jacob and Whisky enter and walk to the table.
SUPER: “CHICAGO, 1894”
BRET
Would you boys like a glass of wine?
JACOB
I’m fine, thank you.
WHISKY
I’ll take one.
JACOB
The claims office just received a wire
from Angel requesting a large advance
from the trust, be transferred for
land rejuvenation.
BRET
Land rejuvenation?
SAMUEL
Where?
WHISKY
Mills Crossing.
BRET
Mills Crossing?
SAMUEL
Will you stop doing that.
JACOB
They’re remodeling.
BRET
Remodeling Mills Crossing?
SAMUEL
What kind of remodeling?
WHISKY
A replica ghost town, and Ski Resort?
SAMUEL AND BRET
Huh! What the hell is a Ski Resort?
JACOB
It would seem a new leisure activity.
You go to the top of a mountain and
slide down on two short planks of
wood. You then, get up, climb back to
the top of the mountain, and slide
down again.
BRET
And that’s a ski resort?
JACOB
Well, not quite, the people that do
this, skiing thing. Well, they have to
have places to board, and places to
eat and drink, hence, a resort.
BRET
Hold on! I gotta get my head around
this. So people, go to the top of a
mountain, throw themselves off, and
pay, Dakota and Angel, a shit load of
money for the privilege?
JACOB
That’s about it, and they say it isn’t
cheap.
SAMUEL
Who the hell thought of this shit?
JACOB
Some Norwegian miners. They told
Dakota about skiing in Norway, and how
it’s becoming a major sport in
Scandinavia and Europe.
Samuel sits back in his chair, he appears very thoughtful.
SAMUEL
Nine months of snow every year, pure
clean air, great mountain views...
Hmm... Maybe this, is the new gold?
EXT. MILLS POWDER MOUNTAIN - DAY
Four teenagers sing to the radio as an RV travels up the
highway towards the mountains. A commercial interrupts the
song.
RADIO
-and now, here is today’s snow
report... Mills Powder Mountains off
Highway 93, has great powder on route
23, and the...
The resort is a huge success. Carparks overflow and three ski-
lifts can be seen taking skiers up the mountains. Tourists
shop in the now reconstructed town.
Effigies of Whisky alongside Sylvia astride an enormous Hot
Dog is situated on the roof of a large windowed restaurant. A
sign reads: “DELUCH’S WEINER-DINER”.
Life-sized caricatures of Bret, Samuel, Angel, and Dakota,
all dressed in Chicago finery, stands next to the spot lit,
PROCLAMATION.
CLOSE-IN “ON PROCLAMATION”.
Whisky’s voice is heard.
WHISKY (V.O.)
"Today has been a lifetime --
yesterday, a distant blessing that
brought you to today, and tomorrow --
a dream you dare not dream, cos if you
dream it right, then you have heard
the word of the Lord”
IRIS OUT.