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Scene 1 -  The Soldier's Story
EXT. FRANCE. ALBERT CATHEDRAL - FLASHBACK
The sky erupts with a bone-shuddering bombardment of
artillery fire, casting an infernal glow over the
landscape. It's hell on earth.
SUPER: FRANCE - ALBERT - SEPTEMBER 1915 - THE FRONT LINE
Constant shelling scatters terrified SOLDIERS in every
direction. Their screams of pain are drowned out by the
deafening sounds of war.
In the chaos, a twenty-year-old DOROTHY LAWRENCE stands
defeated. Her womanly features are disguised by oversized
soldier attire. Her eyes, hollow and vacant, fix on the
perpendicular statue of the Virgin Mary hanging from the
blitzed cathedral. Bullets ping through it, showering the
ground with holy fragments.
SUPER: BASED ON A TRUE STORY
Sapper TOM DUNN, in his 20s, well-trained and fearless,
navigates a gauntlet of explosions. His boyish face is
tangled with determination and debris. He tackles Dorothy to
the ground just as a bomb tears apart a nearby combat vehicle
carrying MEN. Fuel, metal, and flesh rain down over them.
The horror of war, perhaps something deeper, finally cracks
her resolve as she sobs into the mud.
END OF FLASHBACK
INT. FRIERN HOSPITAL. VISITING ROOM - DAY
Two local JOURNALISTS await a response from the now frail,
aged DOROTHY LAWRENCE. Her eyes search the past, still
empty.
SUPER: FRIERN PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL, LONDON, 1964
A stone-faced, no-nonsense SIMON JONES impatiently taps his
pencil, his demeanour unyielding. His delicate, bookish
colleague, MARY SIMMONS, in her twenties, gives him a
concerned look.
SIMON
Miss Lawrence? You with us?
His frustration gets the better of him.
SIMON (CONT'D)
This is a waste of time.

MARY
Simon. Give her moment.
2.

SIMON
Dorothy? Miss Lawrence. You with
us?
MARY
Stop.
SIMON
Well, what are we reporting here?
'Woman stares out of window for two
hours.'
Far from impressed, Mary silently apologises to Dorothy.
Simon studies a copy of Dorothy's book, 'Sapper Dorothy.'
SIMON (CONT'D)
This book would be better suited to
the fiction shelf. It's a bit far-
fetched, don't you think?

MARY
According to the men who condemned
it when it was first published.

SIMON
Well, looking at where she is now,
I'm not surprised.

Simon gestures to a militant STAFF MEMBER to leave the locked
room.

Mary silently makes notes.

DOROTHY (O.S)
He should be more patient that one.

Mary jolts.

MARY
Miss Lawrence. You startled me.
DOROTHY
Call me Dorothy.

MARY
Dorothy...I'm Mary.

DOROTHY
You're here from newspaper. A very
eyebrow one at that.

Dorothy steals one of Simon's cigarettes.

MARY
That's right. We came across your
book. It's fascinating.
(MORE)
3.
MARY (CONT'D)
I persuaded the paper to let us do
an article about it.
DOROTHY
Us? Young Simon doesn't seem to be
impressed with my story.
Dorothy pockets the remaining cigarettes.
MARY
Simon gets ahead of himself. Says
things he doesn't mean.
DOROTHY
He's a man. Take them with a pitch
of salt.
Dorothy winks, putting Mary at ease.
MARY
Are you okay to continue? If it's
not too much trouble.
DOROTHY
I'm never trouble. Not anymore. Not
with the medication they've put me
on.
Simon returns. Still annoyed.
SIMON
What did I miss?
DOROTHY
Women, talking. Like grown ups.
SIMON
Miss Lawrence, you're back with us.
DOROTHY
I never went anywhere.
SIMON
Sorry, I meant...
He hesitates. Is she joking?
DOROTHY
Go on.
SIMON
You drifted off...slightly.
MARY
It's the medication.
Dorothy and Mary share a smirk.
4.
Genres: ["War","Drama","Historical"]

Summary This scene interweaves a flashback to the horrors of WWI, witnessed by a woman disguised as a soldier, with her present-day interview in a psychiatric hospital. A skeptical journalist clashes with a more understanding one, highlighting the tension between disbelief and empathy surrounding her extraordinary story.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Effective use of dialogue
  • Compelling themes and conflicts
Weaknesses
  • Some moments of dialogue could be more concise
  • Pacing may be slow in parts

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the main character's traumatic past and current struggles, introduces conflict between characters, and establishes a tone that blends tension with moments of humor.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of revisiting past trauma through a psychiatric evaluation is compelling and adds depth to the character. The scene effectively introduces the main conflict and themes of the story.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses by revealing the main character's past experiences and current challenges. The conflict between characters adds tension and sets up future developments.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh perspective on the challenges faced by women in war, blending historical accuracy with fictional storytelling. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Dorothy Lawrence portrayed as a complex and resilient individual. Simon and Mary provide contrasting perspectives and dynamics that enhance the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Dorothy shows signs of emotional vulnerability and resilience, hinting at potential character growth. The interactions with Simon and Mary also suggest changes in their perspectives.

Internal Goal: 8

Dorothy Lawrence's internal goal is to be taken seriously and to prove herself in a male-dominated war environment. This reflects her deeper need for recognition, respect, and validation of her abilities.

External Goal: 7

Dorothy Lawrence's external goal is to share her story and have it believed and respected by others. This reflects the immediate challenge of being doubted and dismissed by journalists and society.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Dorothy, Simon, and Mary creates tension and drives the scene forward. The clash of perspectives adds depth to the narrative.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Dorothy facing skepticism and dismissal from the journalists, adding conflict and tension to the narrative.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively high in terms of Dorothy's mental health and the potential impact of revisiting her traumatic past. The conflict between characters adds tension and raises the stakes.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by establishing key conflicts, themes, and character dynamics. It sets up future developments and reveals important information about the characters.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions between the characters and the shifting power dynamics in the dialogue.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the struggle for recognition and validation of women's capabilities in a patriarchal society. Dorothy's story challenges traditional gender roles and societal expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from sadness and frustration to moments of humor and connection. The portrayal of trauma and resilience adds emotional depth.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' personalities and relationships. The use of sarcasm and humor adds depth to the interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense war setting, the emotional depth of the characters, and the conflict between Dorothy and the journalists.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, alternating between the intense war flashback and the slower-paced hospital interview.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively transitioning between the flashback on the front line and the present-day interview at the hospital.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a powerful flashback to the front line in France during World War I, setting a tone of chaos and horror. However, the transition to the psychiatric hospital in London in 1964 feels abrupt and disjointed.
  • The dialogue between Simon, Mary, and Dorothy lacks depth and nuance. Simon's impatience and skepticism come across as one-dimensional, while Mary's attempts to connect with Dorothy feel forced.
  • The interaction between the characters could benefit from more subtlety and emotional depth. Dorothy's past trauma and current state of mind could be explored in a more nuanced way to create a more engaging and impactful scene.
  • The scene could also benefit from more visual storytelling and sensory details to immerse the audience in Dorothy's experience and emotions.
  • The pacing of the scene feels rushed, with quick transitions between different moments and interactions. Slowing down the pace and allowing the characters to breathe and react to each other could enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to create a smoother transition between the flashback and the present-day setting. This could involve weaving Dorothy's memories and current reality more seamlessly.
  • Develop the characters of Simon, Mary, and Dorothy further to add depth and complexity to their interactions. Explore their motivations, fears, and vulnerabilities to create more compelling dynamics.
  • Focus on creating a more intimate and emotionally resonant dialogue between the characters. Allow for moments of silence, reflection, and vulnerability to deepen the connection between them.
  • Incorporate more visual and sensory details to evoke the atmosphere of the scene and immerse the audience in Dorothy's world. Use descriptive language to paint a vivid picture of the setting and characters' emotions.
  • Take the time to explore Dorothy's internal struggles and trauma in a more nuanced way. Show the impact of her experiences on her mental state and behavior, allowing the audience to empathize with her journey.



Scene 2 -  Empowerment in the Hospital Corridor
INT. FRIERN HOSPITAL. CORRIDOR - LATER
A long clinical corridor with PATIENTS aimlessly walking
around, all displaying strange behaviour.
A beefy MALE ORDERLY follows the pair closely.
MARY
She's funny.
SIMON
Yeah she's a hoot.
MARY
You have to be patient Simon. Stop
being so erratic.
SIMON
Erratic?
An ELDERLY WOMAN sobs into a wall.
SIMON (CONT'D)
I'm erratic? Look at this place.
She may be all sweet now, but she
is in here for a reason, remember
that.


INT. VISITING ROOM - DAY

The window overlooks the serene open hospital grounds.

OUTSIDE

an exercise group of PATIENTS stretch and bend from the calls
of the NURSE.

The gentle breeze filters up through the window, flowing
through Dorothy's thinning, grey hair.
DOROTHY
I once had a bicycle. We used to
ride through the wonderful
countryside together. I miss that
freedom.

Simon throws Mary an exasperated look.

MARY
So maybe you can tell us more? What
you did during the war?

A dinner bell rings from the hospital grounds.

DOROTHY
I was...
5.

The ringing becomes overbearing.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
...I was a writer.

Simon and Mary take notes.

MARY
A writer? How wonderful.

The ringing continues. The past, calling to Dorothy.

MARY (CONT'D)
Dorothy? Dorothy?

EXT. LONDON. FLEET STREET - FLASHBACK

Fleet street. Blocked off to traffic.

A SUFFRAGETTE swings a school bell from a raised platform.
The ringing gathers ONLOOKERS.

Other SUFFRAGETTES hold banners with 'PEACE,' 'STOP THE WAR'
and 'VOTES FOR WOMEN,' emblazoned on them.

SUPER: LONDON - FLEET STREET - MAY 1915 - 208 MILES FROM THE
FRONT LINE

A youthful, inspired Dorothy notes down the action, observing
a small group of ROWDY MEN, mocking the Suffragettes.

MARTH SMITH (O.S)
Dorothy! Dorothy!

MARTHA SMITH strides towards Dorothy. Like the Suffragettes;
she embodies every inch of their movement. A fierce modern
woman.

MARTHA
Sorry I'm late. Martin wouldn't
leave. He wanted to cuddle.

Martha shudders at the thought.

DOROTHY
Dare I ask who Martin is?

MARTHA
He's American.

DOROTHY
Anything else?

MARTHA
He snores.

A cheeky wink.
6.

MARTHA (CONT'D)
So what did I miss?

She attempts to copy Dorothy's notes.

DOROTHY
Well if you had arrived on time,
you would know.

MARTHA
Sorry mother.

Turning to observe.

MARTHA (CONT'D)
These women certainly know how to
stop traffic.

DOROTHY
I think they're wonderful.

The rowdy men wolf whistle at the Suffragette on the
platform.

With pencil poised...

MARTHA
...So, Miss Lawrence, do you care
to share with The Times about your
date last night?

DOROTHY
I won't be seeing him again.

MARTHA
Why not? He seemed sweet. Odd
looking, but sweet.

Martha grips a cigarette between her teeth, offering one to
Dorothy who pushes it away.
DOROTHY
He said something I didn't approve
of.

MARTHA
Like what? Can I touch your lady
garden?

DOROTHY
Martha!

MARTHA
Was it something vulgar?

DOROTHY
Why does it always have to be
something vulgar with you?
7.

MARTHA
If men can be vulgar, so can I.
DOROTHY
It's not becoming.
MARTHA
So what did he say?
DOROTHY
He said women have no right to take
up jobs designed for men.
MARTHA
That lousy son of bitch. Did you
throw food on him?
DOROTHY
I certainly did not. I thanked him
for dinner and I left.
MARTHA
You should have punched him right
in his face.
DOROTHY
I wasn't going to punch him.
MARTHA
I would have punched him. Remind me
to give you some tips.
DOROTHY
I don't need tips, thank you very
much.
MARTHA
Yes you do. You're too kind and
sweet. Like a puppy. A very cute
and innocent puppy.
She wiggles Dorothy's cheeks.
DOROTHY
I am not a puppy. Kindness is a
good quality, I'll have you know.
MARTHA
Yes, but there are times when
kindness needs to be replaced with
a good right hook.
Dorothy frowns.
MARTHA (CONT'D)
...or with something less violent.
Like spirit. Grit. Determination.
8.

DOROTHY
Don't you think I have spirit?
MARTHA
Not enough. Look at those women.
The Suffragettes bark out their rights.
MARTHA (CONT'D)
Those women are the future of this
country. Do you think they would
have stood by and let that foul man
say the things he said?

Dorothy shamefully shakes her head.
MARTHA (CONT'D)
And why not?

DOROTHY
Because they know their rights.
They know they're equal.

MARTHA
So why do you think that you're not
equal?

DOROTHY
I do think I'm equal.

MARTHA
Then act like it. In this business,
we are surrounded by pig headed men
who think that women have limits.
Sod limits I say. We are very
capable and have been for many
years. Men have ingrained those
limits over centuries of
repression. Making us think we are
not worthy. Well, now it's our turn
to show them just how worthy we
really are. The future has breasts
and lots of them.

Dorothy coos at the impressive speech.

DOROTHY
I don't want to cause upset though.
I'm not brave like you.

MARTHA
Don't ever say that. You are brave.
You're already causing waves by
being a journalist.

The rowdy men heckle more.
9.

MARTHA (CONT'D)
See what I mean? Bloody men,
thinking they can bring us down.

DOROTHY
I wish they would be quiet.

MARTHA
Go tell them.

DOROTHY
Absolutely not.

MARTHA
Now is your chance. Go tell them.
Show some spirit.
DOROTHY
I couldn't possibly.

DAYDREAM - the rowdy men egg each other on. Dorothy gently
taps the middle-aged FAT MAN on his shoulder.

DOROTHY (CONT'D)
Excuse me. Do you mind letting the
women speak?

FAT MAN
Piss off you silly tart.

Dorothy aggressively swings a right hook, knocking him out.
Everyone applauds.

MARTHA (O.S.)
Dorothy!

END OF DAYDREAM

MARTHA (CONT'D)
Are you listening to me? Go tell
them I said.
DOROTHY
I can't.

MARTHA
(To rowdy men)
Oi! You mind shutting your traps
whilst the ladies speak?

DOROTHY
Martha don't!

The fat man, the sort of caveman who thinks holding hands in
public is a crime, sticks up his middle finger.
10.

FAT MAN
Piss off! Shouldn't you be at home
watching the kiddies love?
The mob cackle, but that's fighting talk in Martha's book.
DOROTHY
Oh no. Martha please.
Martha lights up a cigarette - clasping it between her teeth
as she steam rolls towards him whilst rolling up hetr
sleeves.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
Ignore him please. Martha stop. Use
your spirit...not your fists.
Martha halts inches from the fat man and blows smoke in his
face.

DOROTHY (CONT'D)
I'm so sorry. She's just had some
bad news that's all.

FAT MAN
One of yer sailor boyfriends been
blown up?

The men laugh.

FAT MAN (CONT'D)
You should keep ya legs crossed ya
silly tart.

Dorothy winces.

MARTHA
I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch
that?

FAT MAN
Go home will yer. Plenty more
sailors in the sea.

MARTHA
I have every right to be here. What
makes you so special, fatso?

Everyone apart from the fat man laughs.

FAT MAN
Well, for starters, I'm a man.
That's what makes me so
special...sweetheart.

Martha clenches her fists.
11.

MARTHA
Say sorry.
He laughs in her face.
MARTHA (CONT'D)
Is that fat blocking your ears? I
said, say sorry.

FAT MAN
If you think I'm gonna apologies to
a woman, you're mad love.

MARTHA
I'm not your love.
DOROTHY
Martha, I think we should go.

FAT MAN
Yeah, Martha, listen to your friend
and piss off. Stupid cow.

With that, she punches him in the stomach making him curl
over in pain.

MARTHA
I hope you've learned something
today? All of you! Now let the
women speak!

The men cower away.

MARTHA (CONT'D)
Good boys.

Martha turns her smile back on and floats away.

DOROTHY
Is that what you meant by spirited?
They walk on giggling.

A recruitment poster in the shop window reads; 'If the cap
fits you, join the army to-day.'
Genres: ["Drama","Historical","War"]

Summary Dorothy and Martha reminisce about Dorothy's past as a suffragette and journalist, discussing gender equality and Dorothy's reluctance to stand up to belittling men. The conflict arises when rowdy men disrespect Dorothy, but Martha steps in, confronting them and asserting her rights as a woman. The scene ends with Martha's empowering actions leaving the men cowering away.
Strengths
  • Strong dialogue
  • Well-defined characters
  • Historical context
  • Empowering themes
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched moments
  • Slightly predictable interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is engaging, emotionally impactful, and sets up important themes and conflicts that will likely unfold throughout the story. The dialogue is strong, the characters are well-defined, and the historical context adds depth and richness to the narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of exploring the suffragette movement during World War I is unique and compelling. It sets up a strong foundation for exploring themes of gender equality, empowerment, and social change.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, introducing key characters, conflicts, and themes. The scene sets up important dynamics and tensions that will likely drive the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on gender equality and challenges traditional gender roles. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-defined, with distinct personalities and motivations. Dorothy is portrayed as kind but hesitant, while Martha is bold, spirited, and unapologetic. Their dynamic sets up an interesting contrast and potential character growth.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, there is potential for growth and development, especially for Dorothy as she navigates her beliefs and actions in the suffragette movement.

Internal Goal: 8

Dorothy's internal goal is to find her voice and stand up for herself, as seen in her interactions with Martha and the rowdy men. She struggles with being assertive and standing up to misogyny.

External Goal: 7

Dorothy's external goal is to navigate the challenges of being a female journalist in a male-dominated industry and to assert her independence and beliefs.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily between the suffragettes and the rowdy men. The tension adds depth to the narrative and sets up potential confrontations and resolutions.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Dorothy facing challenges from the rowdy men and societal expectations of women.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderate in the scene, particularly for the suffragettes as they challenge societal norms and face opposition from the rowdy men. The outcome of their actions could have significant implications for their cause.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key characters, conflicts, and themes. It sets up important dynamics and tensions that will likely drive the narrative in subsequent scenes.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable in its interactions between characters and the unexpected confrontations that arise.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around gender equality and societal expectations of women. Dorothy and Martha challenge traditional gender roles and fight against misogyny.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes empathy, defiance, and hope, particularly through Dorothy and Martha's interactions. The emotional depth adds layers to the characters and themes, engaging the audience on a deeper level.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reflective, capturing the essence of the time period and the characters' personalities. It drives the scene forward, establishes relationships, and sets up conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its strong character dynamics, sharp dialogue, and thematic depth.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and highlighting key moments of conflict and resolution.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a flashback that adds depth to the narrative. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and direction, jumping between different time periods and locations without a strong connection.
  • The dialogue between Dorothy, Martha, and the rowdy men feels forced and unrealistic, lacking depth and authenticity.
  • The conflict between Martha and the fat man escalates too quickly and resolves too easily, missing an opportunity for more nuanced character development.
  • The daydream sequence where Dorothy knocks out the fat man feels out of place and breaks the flow of the scene.
  • The transition between the present-day hospital setting and the flashback to Fleet Street is abrupt and could be smoother.
  • The scene lacks a clear emotional arc or development for the characters, leaving the audience disconnected from the story.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing a more cohesive narrative thread that ties the present-day hospital scenes with the flashback to Fleet Street.
  • Work on creating more realistic and nuanced dialogue that reflects the characters' personalities and motivations.
  • Consider building up the conflict between Martha and the fat man more gradually, allowing for a more satisfying resolution.
  • Revisit the daydream sequence and consider if it adds to the overall story or if it can be integrated more seamlessly.
  • Smooth out the transitions between different time periods and locations to create a more cohesive and engaging scene.
  • Add depth to the characters by exploring their emotions and motivations more fully, creating a more compelling story for the audience.



Scene 3 -  Divergent Desires
EXT. ST. PAUL'S CATHEDRAL - DAY

St. Paul's Cathedral welcomes an array of activity. Off duty
BRITISH SOLDIERS, BANKERS and CHILDREN play.

A very handsome BRITISH SOLDIER catches the girls eye. His
stare could melt any heart.

MARTHA
What about that one?
12.

DOROTHY
Too handsome. I wouldn't know what
to do with him.
MARTHA
I would. He looks naughty.
They giggle like two school girls.
DOROTHY
I just want to do something
different Martha. There's a war
happening and we've been left
behind.
MARTHA
Do you read the newspapers?
DOROTHY
Of course.
MARTHA
So you will have seen what the
women in this country are doing for
this war. The munition factories,
railway guards, firefighters,
police even.
DOROTHY
Yes, and that is wonderful. I'm a
journalist. I want to see what is
happening out there.
Martha scoffs.
MARTHA
Nothing but a load of men flexing
their muscles.
DOROTHY
But wouldn't you like to see it
first hand? Just imagine the
stories Martha.
MARTHA
All I imagine is the mud and stink.
DOROTHY
But to actually experience the mud
and stink...isn't that what real
journalist do?
MARTHA
I do my reporting with a nice
coffee and hot bath at the end of
the day.
13.

DOROTHY
Some journalist you are.
MARTHA
Don't knock a woman for wanting her
luxuries.
DOROTHY
I don't want to stand still whilst
this war passes me by.
MARTHA
You don't have a choice.
DOROTHY
What if I do?
MARTHA
You don't.
DOROTHY
Are you repressing me?
MARTHA
Yes. And for your own good.
Concentrate on what's happening
here.
Martha's words deflate her.
DOROTHY
Maybe you're right.
MARTHA
I am right dear.
They pass another HANDSOME SOLDIER.
MARTHA (CONT'D)
Now, what about him?
They both chuckle.
Genres: ["Historical Drama","War"]

Summary Martha and Dorothy, amid the lively atmosphere of St. Paul's Cathedral, discuss their contrasting perspectives on the war. Martha values safety and reporting from a distance, while Dorothy yearns to witness the conflict as a journalist. A friendly yet tense exchange follows, revealing their different approaches to the crisis.
Strengths
  • Well-developed characters
  • Effective dialogue
  • Intriguing concept
Weaknesses
  • Low stakes
  • Limited action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up the internal conflict of the protagonist and introduces an important theme of women's empowerment during wartime.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a journalist wanting to experience the war firsthand is intriguing and sets up potential character growth.

Plot: 7

The plot introduces the protagonist's desire for adventure and sets up potential conflicts with societal expectations.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh perspective on women's experiences during wartime, presenting a nuanced portrayal of conflicting desires and societal expectations. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, contributing to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Dorothy and Martha are well-developed and their contrasting personalities create tension and depth in the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Dorothy begins to question her desire for adventure and consider the consequences of her choices, setting up potential character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Dorothy's internal goal is to break free from the constraints of her current life and experience the war firsthand as a journalist. This reflects her desire for adventure, independence, and a sense of purpose.

External Goal: 7.5

Dorothy's external goal is to become a war journalist and report on the events happening outside of her current environment. This reflects her immediate circumstances and the challenges she faces in pursuing her passion.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict between Dorothy's desire for adventure and Martha's insistence on safety.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Martha serves as a significant obstacle to Dorothy's aspirations. The audience is left uncertain about Dorothy's ability to overcome Martha's influence and pursue her journalistic ambitions.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are relatively low in this scene, but the internal conflict of the protagonist adds depth and tension.

Story Forward: 7

The scene sets up important character dynamics and themes that will likely drive the story forward.

Unpredictability: 7.5

The scene is unpredictable in terms of the characters' conflicting desires and the uncertain outcome of Dorothy's decision to pursue her journalistic ambitions. The audience is left wondering how Martha and Dorothy's relationship will evolve.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the differing perspectives on women's roles during wartime. Martha represents the traditional view of women staying behind and focusing on domestic comforts, while Dorothy challenges this by seeking adventure and professional fulfillment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of hope and defiance in the face of societal expectations, as well as a hint of resignation to the status quo.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the characters' personalities and motivations, as well as setting up the central conflict of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its dynamic character interactions, witty dialogue, and thematic depth. The conflict between Martha and Dorothy keeps the audience invested in their journey and motivations.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and momentum through the characters' dialogue and interactions. The rhythm of the scene enhances the emotional impact of Dorothy's internal struggle and the philosophical conflict with Martha.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene adheres to the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character cues, and dialogue formatting that enhance readability and visual clarity.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character dynamics and narrative progression. The dialogue flows naturally, and the pacing maintains the scene's momentum.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of direction or purpose, as the conversation between Dorothy and Martha meanders without a strong narrative focus.
  • The dialogue between Dorothy and Martha feels somewhat superficial and lacks depth, failing to fully explore the complexities of their desires and motivations.
  • The scene could benefit from more dynamic and engaging interactions between the characters, as the conversation between Dorothy and Martha feels somewhat static and repetitive.
  • There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into the internal conflicts and struggles of the characters, particularly Dorothy's desire to experience the war firsthand as a journalist.
  • The scene could be more impactful by incorporating more emotional depth and tension, creating a sense of urgency and conflict that drives the narrative forward.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more layers to the conversation between Dorothy and Martha, exploring their conflicting desires and motivations in a more nuanced way.
  • Introduce more dynamic elements to the scene, such as a sudden revelation or unexpected turn of events, to keep the audience engaged and interested.
  • Focus on developing the characters' emotional arcs and internal struggles, particularly Dorothy's yearning for adventure and Martha's more practical approach to life.
  • Enhance the dialogue to reveal deeper insights into the characters' personalities and relationships, creating a more compelling and authentic interaction between Dorothy and Martha.
  • Consider adding a clearer narrative purpose to the scene, such as setting up a conflict or foreshadowing future events, to give the conversation more weight and significance.



Scene 4 -  Confrontation at the News Kiosk
EXT. NEWS KIOSK - DAY

The news kiosk holds an array of newspapers. Dorothy waits
patiently in line.

Just as she's about to be served, a sharp-suited middle-aged
BUSINESSMAN pushes in.

DOROTHY
Excuse me.

The businessman ignores her.
14.

DOROTHY (CONT'D)
Excuse me, sir.

The businessman turns - irritated.

DOROTHY (CONT'D)
You seem to have not noticed I was
in line.

BUSINESSMAN
I'm in a hurry.

DOROTHY
Yes, of course. I was here first
though.
BUSINESSMAN
And your point being?

DOROTHY
Well, it's not very gentlemanly of
you.

BUSINESSMAN
(To newspaper seller)
Financial Times.
(To Dorothy)
Why don't you run along home little
lady? Your incessant murmurings are
tiresome.

His arrogant smile leaves Dorothy furious.

DAYDREAM - The businessman's smile is slapped off his face.
Before he can speak, she slaps him again.

DOROTHY
Little lady? Say sorry!

Dorothy grabs him by the tie and slams him against the kiosk.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
Say sorry!

A crowd watch on - applauding.

BUSINESSMAN
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

She lets him go.

DOROTHY
Good boy.

The crowd cheer.

NEWSPAPER SELLER (O.S.)
Miss? Ello Miss?
15.

END OF DAYDREAM
NEWSPAPER SELLER (CONT'D)
You awake?

Embarrassed, she rushes away.


INT. DOROTHY'S APARTMENT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Dorothy looks through the newspaper at pictures of soldiers
in the trenches and contemplates.

A tremor in her hand catches her of guard. She can't control
it, neither the build up of tears. She tosses the paper and
collects herself.

INT. THE TIMES. MR THOMAS' OFFICE - DAY

MR THOMAS, an ancient, red faced portly chief editor of The
Times, sits open mouthed.

Dorothy sits hopefully opposite.

MR THOMAS
You want to do what?

DOROTHY
War correspondence for The Times,
Mr Thomas.

Mr Thomas takes a moment to divulge.

MR THOMAS
But you're a woman.

DOROTHY
Yes, I realise I'm a woman, but
it's very important to me that the
war is covered correctly.
MR THOMAS
Just a moment.

Mr Thomas swings open the office door.

MR THOMAS (CONT'D)
Mr Collins, could you step into my
office.

MR COLLINS, walks in clutching a pile of newspapers. He's the
mirror image of Mr Thomas, in appearance and snobbery.

MR THOMAS (CONT'D)
Please tell Mr Collins what you
have just told me.
16.

DOROTHY
Well, as I was just saying, I feel
that the war needs covering
properly, so I was hoping that I
could be sent to report in France,
as a War Correspondent.
Mr Collins stands bewildered. His eyes meet with Mr Thomas,
causing uncontrollable laughter.
Dorothy slumps in embarrassment.
MR THOMAS
Did you hear that Mr Collins?
MR COLLINS
I certainly did Mr Thomas.
A war-correspondent! You're a
woman!
More heads pop up through the office window.
DAYDREAM - The laughter makes Dorothy's blood boil.
DOROTHY
QUIET!!!
Instant silence.
MR THOMAS
My sincerest apologies, Miss
Lawrence. Please continue.
DOROTHY
Thank you. Now as I was saying.
END OF DAYDREAM
Dorothy snaps back to reality.
Through the rude laughter...
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
...Please, just give me the barest
means of getting out there.
Permission to use the name of this
paper?

MR THOMAS
Nonsense!

DOROTHY
I don't want a big salary! Just
give me enough to get there. You
can leave the rest to me.

A more serious Mr Thomas stands and looms over her.
17.

MR THOMAS
Of course not!
DOROTHY
Very well. Thank you for your time.
My apologies.
Dorothy softly closes the door behind her.
Genres: ["Drama","Historical"]

Summary Dorothy confronts a businessman who cuts in line, leading to a daydream of retaliation. After apologizing, the businessman dismisses Dorothy's request to be sent to France as a war correspondent. She collects herself and goes to The Times, where she again faces rejection from the editors.
Strengths
  • Strong female protagonist
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Engaging conflict
Weaknesses
  • Slightly predictable outcome
  • Stereotypical male editors

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, emotionally charged, and sets up a compelling conflict for the protagonist. The dialogue is sharp and impactful, driving the narrative forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a female journalist fighting to be a war correspondent in a male-dominated industry is unique and compelling. It challenges traditional gender roles and explores themes of empowerment and perseverance.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with clear goals and obstacles for the protagonist. The conflict between Dorothy and the male editors adds tension and drives the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on gender roles and career aspirations in a historical context, with authentic character interactions and a compelling narrative arc.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-defined and their motivations are clear. Dorothy's determination and defiance shine through, while the male editors' condescension adds depth to the conflict.

Character Changes: 7

Dorothy undergoes a transformation from embarrassment to determination in the scene. Her defiance and resilience are highlighted as she fights for her right to report on the war.

Internal Goal: 8

Dorothy's internal goal is to prove herself as a capable and determined woman in a male-dominated field. This reflects her deeper desire for recognition, respect, and the opportunity to pursue her passion for journalism.

External Goal: 7

Dorothy's external goal is to convince Mr. Thomas to allow her to be a war correspondent for The Times. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in breaking gender barriers and pursuing her career aspirations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Dorothy and the male editors is palpable and drives the scene forward. It highlights the societal barriers and discrimination faced by women in the early 20th century.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the businessman's dismissive attitude and Mr. Thomas' initial resistance posing significant challenges for Dorothy to overcome.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Dorothy, as her dream of becoming a war correspondent is on the line. The scene highlights the challenges and discrimination she faces in pursuing her goal.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing Dorothy's goal of becoming a war correspondent and the obstacles she faces. It sets up a compelling conflict that will drive the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, such as Dorothy's confrontation with the businessman and her bold request to Mr. Thomas.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between traditional gender roles and Dorothy's ambition to challenge them. The businessman represents the patriarchal mindset that undermines Dorothy's capabilities based on her gender, while Dorothy embodies the belief in gender equality and the right to pursue her dreams.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from anger and defiance to embarrassment and determination. Dorothy's struggle is relatable and emotionally engaging.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and reveals the characters' personalities and motivations. It drives the scene forward and adds depth to the conflict.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic character interactions, thematic depth, and the protagonist's compelling journey to overcome obstacles and pursue her goals.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and momentum, leading to a climactic confrontation and resolution that advances the plot and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dialogue-driven confrontation, with clear character motivations and a gradual build-up of tension.


Critique
  • The scene effectively sets up a conflict between Dorothy and the businessman, showcasing Dorothy's assertiveness and the societal norms of the time.
  • The daydream sequence adds an interesting element to the scene, showing Dorothy's inner thoughts and desires for empowerment.
  • The interaction with Mr. Thomas and Mr. Collins highlights the gender bias and challenges Dorothy faces in pursuing her dream of being a war correspondent.
  • The scene effectively conveys Dorothy's determination and resilience in the face of adversity, but could benefit from more nuanced character interactions and dialogue.
  • The transition from the news kiosk to Dorothy's apartment and then to The Times office is a bit abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more depth to the character of the businessman to make his dismissal of Dorothy more impactful and reflective of the societal attitudes of the time.
  • Explore Dorothy's internal conflict and emotions further during the daydream sequence to provide insight into her character and motivations.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Dorothy and Mr. Thomas to showcase her determination and passion for war correspondence, while also highlighting the challenges she faces as a woman in a male-dominated industry.
  • Work on the pacing and transitions between different locations to ensure a seamless flow of the scene and maintain the audience's engagement.
  • Consider adding subtle nuances to the interactions between characters to create more depth and complexity in their relationships, adding layers to the scene.



Scene 5 -  Dorothy's Frustrating Encounter
INT. WORLD WIDE MAGAZINE. MR NEWNES' OFFICE - DAY
MR NEWNES, an elderly stuffy man, sits crunched into his over-
sized chair with his mouth hung open.
Dorothy sits opposite, another rejection, imminent.
MR NEWNES
Do you suppose we're going to send
a woman, when even our own male war-
correspondents can't get out there
for love or money? You're mad!
DOROTHY
(Determined)
I am only asking for the smallest
of means to travel out and
permission to write the story.
Mr Newnes rudely carries on working.
MR NEWNES
Nonsense.
DOROTHY
But I'm good at what I do-
MR NEWNES
-Not in a million years.

INT. THE DAILY TELEGRAPH. MR SAGE'S OFFICE - DAY
MR SAGE, a balding, bloated man. His emotionless stare does
nothing for Dorothy's confidence.
MR SAGE
There a plenty of jobs a woman can
help with right here, in England.
Forget about going to France. Far
too dangerous for a lovely girl
like you.
DOROTHY
I am more than capable of looking
after myself Mr Sage.
18.

MR SAGE
Miss Lawrence, the simple matter of
the fact is, you're a woman.
DAYDREAM - The rage inside Dorothy ignites. She jumps over
the desk and cuts off his tie with a pair of scissors.
Mr Sage tries to escape but Dorothy throws him over the desk.
DOROTHY
Yes, I am a woman. A very capable
one at that!
Mr Sage cowers on the floor.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
And if you or anyone else isn't
prepared to help me then, I'll see
what an ordinary English girl,
without credentials or money, can
accomplish. If male war-
correspondents can't get out there,
I'll see whether I cannot go one
better. I'll see what I can manage
on my own!

END OF DAYDREAM

Dorothy snaps out of her day dream as Mr Sage leers towards
her.

MR SAGE
Are you listening to me girl? I
said, you're a woman. A very
attractive one I may add.

Dorothy swiftly retreats out of the door.

END OF FLASHBACK
Genres: ["Historical Drama","War"]

Summary Dorothy, a determined war correspondent, faces rejection from Mr. Newnes and Mr. Sage due to her gender. Despite her capabilities, they deem it too dangerous for a woman to report from France. Dorothy's anger manifests in a fantasy where she attacks Mr. Sage, asserting her abilities. Upon returning to reality, she leaves his office, resolute in proving her worth.
Strengths
  • Strong character development for Dorothy
  • Effective portrayal of gender discrimination
  • Compelling dialogue and conflict
Weaknesses
  • Slightly predictable outcome of rejection from male editors

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys Dorothy's struggle against societal norms and her unwavering determination to pursue her dreams, making it engaging and impactful.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a female journalist fighting against gender discrimination in the early 20th century is compelling and relevant, adding depth to the character and the overall story.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on Dorothy's quest to become a war correspondent, showcasing her resilience and determination. The conflict with the male editors adds tension and drives the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the theme of gender discrimination and female empowerment, with authentic character actions and dialogue that resonate with the audience.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Dorothy is a strong, determined protagonist who defies societal expectations. The male editors serve as antagonists, highlighting the gender discrimination of the time.

Character Changes: 7

Dorothy undergoes a transformation from frustration to defiance, showcasing her growth and determination to challenge societal norms. The male editors remain static in their dismissive attitudes.

Internal Goal: 8

Dorothy's internal goal is to prove her worth and capabilities despite the gender discrimination she faces. She desires recognition for her skills and determination.

External Goal: 7

Dorothy's external goal is to secure the means to travel out and permission to write the story she is passionate about. She wants to break free from the constraints placed on her by society and pursue her ambitions.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Dorothy and the male editors creates tension and drives the scene forward, highlighting the gender discrimination of the time.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Dorothy facing resistance from male authority figures who underestimate her abilities.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Dorothy as she risks her reputation and safety to pursue her dream of becoming a war correspondent. The scene highlights the challenges she must overcome.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing Dorothy's goal of becoming a war correspondent and the obstacles she faces. It sets up future conflicts and character development.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events in Dorothy's daydream, challenging the audience's expectations.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between traditional gender roles and Dorothy's belief in her own abilities. It challenges the protagonist's values and worldview by highlighting the injustice and discrimination she faces.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a sense of empowerment and frustration, as Dorothy faces rejection and sexism but remains determined to pursue her dreams. It resonates emotionally with the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys Dorothy's frustration and determination, as well as the dismissive attitude of the male editors. It adds depth to the characters and advances the plot.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense conflict and emotional stakes involved, drawing the audience into Dorothy's struggle.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, contributing to its effectiveness in conveying the protagonist's struggle.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for a screenplay in its genre.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and conflict, following the expected format for a dramatic confrontation.


Critique
  • The scene effectively portrays the challenges Dorothy faces as a woman trying to break into a male-dominated field during World War I.
  • The dialogue between Dorothy and Mr. Newnes and Mr. Sage effectively conveys the sexism and dismissiveness she encounters in her attempts to become a war correspondent.
  • The daydream sequence adds a dynamic element to the scene, showcasing Dorothy's inner strength and determination in the face of adversity.
  • The contrast between Dorothy's assertiveness in her daydream and the reality of being belittled by Mr. Sage highlights the societal barriers she must overcome.
  • The scene effectively sets up Dorothy's resolve to prove herself and take matters into her own hands, setting the stage for her future actions.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual cues to enhance the daydream sequence, making it more impactful and engaging for the audience.
  • Explore deeper into Dorothy's emotional journey during the rejection scenes, showcasing her internal struggles and determination more vividly.
  • Provide more context or backstory to Mr. Newnes and Mr. Sage to further emphasize the societal norms and prejudices Dorothy is up against.
  • Consider incorporating more subtle moments of resistance or empowerment from Dorothy throughout the scene to build her character arc and resilience.
  • Ensure the transition from the daydream back to reality is seamless and clear for the audience to follow.



Scene 6 -  Changing Perspectives
INT. FRIERN HOSPITAL. VISITING ROOM - DAY

Both note books detail the story. Simon, now more engaged,
sharpens his pencil.

DOROTHY
Men had the final say with
everything. Terrible, but exciting
times there were. Change was
coming, but they called all the
shots.

SIMON
I think sometimes for men to be
placed in higher position is
crucial for...
19.

Dorothy and Mary stare dumbfounded by his stupidity.
SIMON (CONT'D)
...the benefit of a progressive
society. Women can
sometimes....be...

The penny drops and his words filter out to nothing.

SIMON (CONT'D)
...equal...to...men...which
include...jobs, money-

DOROTHY
-Simon.
SIMON
Yes, Miss Lawrence?

DOROTHY
Be quiet.

Simon shuts up.

MARY
So how did you get to France?

DOROTHY
I used my spirit of course.


EXT. GREAT PORTLAND STREET - FLASHBACK

Great Portland street is vibrate. Each shop is unique and
stylish. NURSES, CITIZENS and SOLDIERS enjoy their free time.

Dorothy and Martha stroll arm in arm.

MARTHA
You should have punched him.
DOROTHY
Some stern words on my part was
best practice I thought.

MARTHA
So what next?

DOROTHY
France.

Martha laughs off the comment.

MARTHA
You're funny. So I was thinking
that we could paint the town red
tonight. I met this Dutch officer.
(MORE)
20.
MARTHA (CONT'D)
He's got a friend. What do you
think?
DOROTHY
Even you don't listen to me.
MARTHA
I always listen to you. You said
France. I laughed. It was funny.
DOROTHY
It's not a joke Martha.
A dead pan stare lets Martha knows just how serious she is.
MARTHA
France?
DOROTHY
France.
MARTHA
Surely you're not serious?
DOROTHY
This is my serious face.
MARTHA
But, how...what are...surely you're
not serious?
DOROTHY
I've made up my mind Martha. You're
right, it is time to take a stand.
What have I got to lose?
MARTHA
Your life.
DOROTHY
You're so dramatic.
MARTHA
And for good reason. Dorothy,
France is a dangerous place,
especially for-
DOROTHY
-If you say for women, I will
surely scream.
MARTHA
Not just women. Everyone.
DOROTHY
You can either help me or not, it's
up to you.
21.

MARTHA
Dorothy, you're a puppy. Puppies
don't go to war. They stay home and
look cute.
DOROTHY
Maybe I don't want to be a puppy
anymore. Why can't I be a lion? Or
a...bigger lion?
Martha checks Dorothy's brow.
MARTHA
Are you running a temperature?
DOROTHY
You're worse than they are.
MARTHA
Well, you're acting like a mad
woman.
DOROTHY
(Abrupt)
Maybe I am. But, something needs to
change...in me. I'm scared of
everything. I don't want to be
scared anymore. The way we're
treated, scares me. We are ruled by
fear. Fear of saying something out
of line. Fear of believing in
ourselves. We need to create our
own stories, not rewrite the ones
written by men. I have been taken
advantage of my entire life, all of
us have. I want this adventure, I
want my own story.
Martha struggles to process as she lights up a cigarette and
paces.
MARTHA
You're insane, Dorothy, but If this
is what you want, then I will do
everything in my power to help you.
DOROTHY
Good, because I leave in two days.
Dorothy trots on leaving Martha gobsmacked.
MARTHA
Two days! Now you're scaring me.
22.
Genres: ["Historical Drama","War","Biographical"]

Summary Dorothy and Simon engage in a discussion about gender roles, highlighting Dorothy's determination for change and Simon's ignorance. A flashback depicts Dorothy and Martha planning a trip to France, demonstrating Dorothy's desire for independence and Martha's initial hesitation.
Strengths
  • Strong character development for Dorothy
  • Compelling theme of empowerment and defiance
  • Emotional resonance with the audience
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly on the nose
  • Limited exploration of Martha's character

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys Dorothy's inner turmoil and her decision to embark on a dangerous journey, setting up a compelling narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a woman defying societal norms to become a war correspondent in the early 20th century is intriguing and sets up a strong foundation for the story.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Dorothy makes a bold decision to go to France, setting up potential conflicts and challenges for her character.

Originality: 8

The scene presents a fresh take on gender roles and societal expectations, with authentic character interactions and dialogue that feel true to the time period.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Dorothy is portrayed as a determined and defiant woman who is willing to challenge the status quo. Martha serves as a contrasting character who represents the societal expectations placed on women.

Character Changes: 8

Dorothy undergoes a significant change in mindset, from fear and uncertainty to determination and defiance, setting up a compelling character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist, Dorothy, expresses her desire for change and empowerment. She wants to break free from societal constraints and take control of her own destiny.

External Goal: 7

Dorothy's external goal is to travel to France and embark on an adventure. This goal reflects her desire for independence and self-discovery.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict between Dorothy's desire to become a war correspondent and societal expectations creates tension and sets up potential obstacles for her journey.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene comes from Martha's skepticism and concern for Dorothy's safety, adding tension and conflict to the narrative.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as Dorothy defies societal norms and embarks on a dangerous journey to become a war correspondent, risking her safety and reputation.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by establishing Dorothy's motivations and setting up potential challenges and conflicts for her character.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of Dorothy's goals and motivations, but the unexpected twists in dialogue and character interactions keep the audience engaged.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around gender roles and societal expectations. Dorothy challenges the traditional roles assigned to women and seeks to redefine her own identity.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a sense of empowerment and determination in the face of adversity, resonating emotionally with the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys Dorothy's inner conflict and her determination to pursue her own path despite opposition.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its strong character dynamics, witty dialogue, and compelling conflict. The audience is drawn into Dorothy's journey and her quest for empowerment.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue and action that keeps the narrative moving forward. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness in conveying Dorothy's motivations and conflicts.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with a flashback sequence that adds depth to the narrative. The formatting is consistent with the genre.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Simon, Dorothy, and Mary lacks depth and comes across as forced and unrealistic. Simon's ignorance and Dorothy's abruptness feel exaggerated and do not contribute to the scene's authenticity.
  • The transition from the hospital corridor to the flashback on Great Portland Street is abrupt and could be smoother. The shift in time and setting could be better integrated to enhance the flow of the scene.
  • The conversation between Dorothy and Martha lacks nuance and depth. The dialogue feels surface-level and does not fully explore the complexities of Dorothy's decision to go to France as a war correspondent.
  • The character dynamics between Dorothy and Martha could be further developed to create a more engaging and emotionally resonant interaction. Martha's reactions to Dorothy's decision feel rushed and could be more nuanced.
  • The scene lacks visual descriptions and sensory details that could enhance the reader's immersion in the setting and characters' emotions. Adding more vivid imagery could make the scene more vivid and engaging.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities. Focus on creating authentic interactions that reveal the characters' motivations and emotions.
  • Work on smoothing out the transitions between different time periods and settings to improve the scene's coherence and flow. Ensure that the shifts in time are seamless and enhance the narrative.
  • Develop the conversation between Dorothy and Martha to delve deeper into their relationship and the emotional stakes of Dorothy's decision to go to France. Add layers to their interaction to make it more compelling and impactful.
  • Explore the character dynamics between Dorothy and Martha to create a more nuanced and realistic portrayal of their friendship. Show the complexities of their relationship and how they support and challenge each other.
  • Enhance the scene with vivid visual descriptions and sensory details to bring the setting to life and immerse the reader in the characters' experiences. Use imagery to evoke emotions and create a more engaging reading experience.



Scene 7 -  Dorothy's Transformation and Confrontation
INT. DOROTHY'S APARTMENT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
A modest apartment, for a modest woman. Everything she owns,
is practical. Note books fill every available space.
A brown linen bag sits alone on the table.
MARTHA (CONT'D)
Is that it?
DOROTHY
I have to travel light.
MARTHA
You're going to look like a gypsy.
DOROTHY
I want to look like a gypsy.
MARTHA
Oh god.
DOROTHY
Read me the list again.
The list is tiny.
MARTHA
Two blankets. Two candles. Bread,
eggs, water, cocoa. Spirit stove.
One pot. One knife. One folk.
DOROTHY
Good. That will keep me going for a
few days.
MARTHA
And what will you wear?

INT. DOROTHY'S BEDROOM - LATER
Martha waits patiently on the bed.
In walks Dorothy wearing a untrimmed felt hat, an old, ugly,
long brown coat and a basic white dress wrapped with a belt
with clunky black boots poking out.
MARTHA (CONT'D)
Oh dear Lord.
DOROTHY
Well, what do you think?
MARTHA
You look like a farmer.
23.

DOROTHY
It's not that bad.
MARTHA
It's possibly one of the worst
things I've ever laid eyes on.
A fit of giggles follow.
DOROTHY
It will do the job just fine.
MARTHA
What now?

EXT. BIKE SHOP - DAY
A ramshackled second hand bicycle is propped outside the
shop.
MARTHA (CONT'D)
You can not be serious.
DOROTHY
This is perfect.
Dorothy enters the shop. A few moments later, she reappears
and takes the bicycle with her.
MARTHA
You can not be serious, Dorothy!
DOROTHY
Where's your sense of adventure?!
MARTHA
He's called Troy! A Canadian!

EXT. NEWSPAPER KIOSK - LATER
Dorothy fondly examines the bicycle in line at the kiosk.
MARTHA (CONT'D)
Do you even know how to ride a
bicycle?
DOROTHY
Yes...sort of.
MARTHA
You're going to look a state.
DOROTHY
It will get me to where I'm needing
to go.
24.

Just as they are about to be served, an UPPER-CLASS MAN
barges past them.
UPPER-CLASS MAN
(to newspaper seller)
Financial Times.
MARTHA
Excuse me-
DOROTHY
-What on earth do you think you are
doing?
Martha freezes, surprised by Dorothy's confidence.
The man turns and scoffs.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
Do not ignore me.

Dorothy pushes the bicycle wheel against his leg.

UPPER-CLASS MAN
How dare you. Do you know how
expensive this suit was?

He turns back.

Dorothy rams the wheel harder this time. The man is
flabbergasted.

MARTHA
It's okay Dorothy.

UPPER-CLASS MAN
Listen to your friend. Show some
respect.

He collects the paper from the seller.
Dorothy hands the bicycle to Martha and snatches the paper
out of his hand.

UPPER-CLASS MAN (CONT'D)
How rude.

DOROTHY
Go to the back on the queue.

UPPER-CLASS MAN
Certainly not.

MARTHA
Let's go Dorothy.

Dorothy's stare burns into the man's soul.
25.

DOROTHY
Back of the queue.
MARTHA
Dorothy, what has gotten into you?
DAYDREAM - Dorothy's knuckles turn white. Her anger can't be
contained.
DOROTHY
This vile man that's what.
A small crowd of mostly women form.
UPPER-CLASS MAN
Someone call the police. I'll have
you arrested.
Dorothy erupts.
DOROTHY
Stop telling me what to do! What
gives you the right!
MARTHA
Dorothy, please.
Dorothy anger simmers on realises everyone is watching. She
hands the paper back.
DOROTHY
I'm so sorry.
She runs.
MARTHA
Dorothy!
Genres: ["Drama","Historical"]

Summary Determined to leave, Dorothy transforms into a gypsy-like figure. At a newsstand, an upper-class man rudely cuts in line. Dorothy confronts him, forcing him to the back. This display of confidence surprises Martha.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Compelling theme
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly repetitive

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively portrays Dorothy's character development and sets up a significant conflict with the upper-class man. The dialogue is engaging and reveals important aspects of Dorothy's personality.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a woman challenging societal expectations and asserting her independence is compelling and drives the scene forward. It sets the stage for Dorothy's journey and the obstacles she will face.

Plot: 7

The plot revolves around Dorothy's decision to confront the upper-class man and the repercussions of her actions. It adds depth to her character and sets up future conflicts.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique character dynamics and situations, such as Dorothy's unconventional choices and interactions with the upper-class man. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Dorothy and Martha's characters are well-developed and their interactions reveal their personalities effectively. Dorothy's defiance and Martha's supportive nature create a dynamic relationship.

Character Changes: 7

Dorothy undergoes a subtle change in this scene, from defiance to vulnerability. Her confrontation with the upper-class man reveals her inner strength and her willingness to stand up for herself.

Internal Goal: 8

Dorothy's internal goal in this scene is to embrace her sense of adventure and independence. This reflects her deeper desire for freedom and self-discovery.

External Goal: 7.5

Dorothy's external goal is to prepare for her journey, which includes gathering supplies and acquiring a bicycle. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces of embarking on an unknown adventure.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Dorothy and the upper-class man creates tension and drives the scene forward. It highlights Dorothy's defiance and sets up future conflicts for her character.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Dorothy facing resistance from Martha and the upper-class man. The audience is left uncertain of how Dorothy will handle the situation.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Dorothy as she challenges societal norms and faces the consequences of her actions. The scene sets up future conflicts and obstacles for her character.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by establishing Dorothy's character and setting up future conflicts. It introduces important themes and conflicts that will shape Dorothy's journey.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to Dorothy's unexpected actions and interactions with the upper-class man. The audience is left unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is between conformity and individuality. Dorothy's desire to look like a gypsy and embrace adventure challenges Martha's more conventional views.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from anger to humor to regret. Dorothy's defiance and vulnerability add depth to her character and engage the audience emotionally.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals important aspects of Dorothy's character. It effectively conveys the tension between Dorothy and the upper-class man, as well as the humor in Dorothy and Martha's interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its blend of humor, tension, and character development. The dialogue and actions keep the audience invested in Dorothy's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic confrontation with the upper-class man.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions. It maintains a cohesive narrative flow.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from the previous scene, making it feel disjointed and abrupt.
  • The dialogue between Martha and Dorothy feels forced and lacks depth, making their interactions seem superficial.
  • The conflict with the upper-class man at the newspaper kiosk escalates too quickly and resolves too easily, diminishing the impact of Dorothy's assertiveness.
  • The daydream sequence is not seamlessly integrated into the scene and feels out of place, disrupting the flow of the narrative.
  • The visual elements of the scene, such as Dorothy pushing the bicycle wheel against the man's leg, lack subtlety and come across as overly aggressive.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition from the previous scene to provide better continuity in the story.
  • Develop the dialogue between Martha and Dorothy to reflect their complex relationship and differing perspectives more authentically.
  • Build up the conflict with the upper-class man at the newspaper kiosk gradually to create more tension and impact in Dorothy's assertiveness.
  • Integrate the daydream sequence more organically into the scene to enhance its relevance and emotional impact.
  • Refine the visual elements of the scene to convey Dorothy's assertiveness in a more nuanced and realistic manner.



Scene 8 -  A Conversation in the Dark
INT. DOROTHY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Dorothy and Martha lie side by side.
MARTHA (CONT'D)
I'm worried about you.
DOROTHY
I shouldn't have done that. It was
stupid of me.
MARTHA
It was a tad out of character.
DOROTHY
It didn't feel real, like I was
watching from above. I couldn't
control it.
26.

MARTHA
It's done now. Forget about it.
DOROTHY
I had another episode the other
night. It came out of nowhere.
MARTHA
You're under a lot of pressure at
the moment. Shedding a few tears is
normal.
DOROTHY
What about the other times? All
those tears before?
MARTHA
You're allowed to be sad sometimes.
I get sad. We all get sad.
DOROTHY
What if you're sad all the time?
MARTHA
That certainly isn't you. Look,
sometimes you cry. Sometimes I cry.
It's normal.
DOROTHY
What if something bad happens to
me?
MARTHA
Remember to punch first and think
later.
Martha gives her a comforting squeeze.
MARTHA (CONT'D)
I'm always here. Nothing bad is
going to happen.
DOROTHY
Anyway, I have my passport and
documents, so if I were to be
arrested, or God forbid, killed-

MARTHA
-Dorothy!

DOROTHY
Then, they will know who I am.

MARTHA
You're braver than I am.

Dorothy toasts.
27.

DOROTHY
To France!
Martha follows suit.
MARTHA
To France!
DOROTHY
To the first female war-
correspondent of the war!
Dorothy closes her eyes.
Genres: ["Historical Drama","War","Biographical"]

Summary Dorothy confides in Martha about her fears and worries. Martha comforts her and reassures her that she is not alone. Despite the darkness, their friendship provides a glimmer of hope and support.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Empowering themes
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth of the characters, sets up Dorothy's journey, and establishes the supportive relationship between Dorothy and Martha.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of challenging societal norms and pursuing one's dreams in the face of adversity is well-developed and drives the scene forward.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on Dorothy's determination to become a war correspondent and her emotional struggles, providing a strong foundation for character development.

Originality: 9

The scene explores themes of vulnerability and emotional struggles in a unique and intimate way. The characters' dialogue feels authentic and relatable.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters of Dorothy and Martha are well-defined, with Dorothy's internal conflict and Martha's supportive nature adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Dorothy undergoes a subtle shift in her mindset, moving from self-doubt to determination, setting the stage for her journey.

Internal Goal: 8

Dorothy's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with her emotions and fears, particularly regarding her recent episodes of uncontrollable crying. She seeks reassurance and comfort from Martha.

External Goal: 7

Dorothy's external goal is to cope with the pressure she is under and to find a way to deal with her emotional outbursts.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

The conflict is primarily internal, focusing on Dorothy's struggle to overcome societal expectations and pursue her dreams.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is minimal, as Martha mostly provides comfort and reassurance to Dorothy.

High Stakes: 6

The stakes are primarily internal, focusing on Dorothy's personal growth and pursuit of her dreams.

Story Forward: 7

The scene sets up Dorothy's decision to become a war correspondent, moving the narrative forward and establishing key relationships.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is somewhat predictable in terms of emotional beats and character interactions, but the vulnerability and reassurance add a layer of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the acceptance of vulnerability and emotions. Dorothy struggles with the idea of being sad all the time and Martha tries to reassure her that it's normal to feel that way.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, particularly in Dorothy's vulnerability and determination.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotional dynamics between Dorothy and Martha, revealing their fears, hopes, and aspirations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the emotional depth and vulnerability displayed by the characters. The audience is drawn into their intimate conversation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in allowing the emotional beats to land and the characters to reveal their vulnerabilities.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for a dialogue-heavy intimate scene in a screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a natural flow of conversation between the characters, revealing their emotions and fears gradually.


Critique
  • The scene lacks depth and emotional resonance, considering the weight of the subject matter being discussed.
  • The dialogue feels somewhat forced and lacks authenticity in capturing the complexity of Dorothy's emotional turmoil.
  • There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into Dorothy's internal struggles and fears, which could have added layers to her character.
  • The scene could benefit from more nuanced and realistic interactions between Dorothy and Martha to convey a sense of genuine concern and support.
  • The transition from discussing Dorothy's emotional breakdown to toasting to France feels abrupt and disconnected.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more emotional depth and vulnerability to Dorothy's character to make her struggles more relatable and impactful.
  • Focus on creating more authentic and meaningful dialogue between Dorothy and Martha to enhance the emotional resonance of the scene.
  • Explore Dorothy's internal conflicts and fears in more detail to provide insight into her character and motivations.
  • Work on creating a smoother transition between the different emotional beats in the scene to maintain a cohesive narrative flow.
  • Consider incorporating subtle gestures or actions to convey the characters' emotions and relationships more effectively.



Scene 9 -  Dorothy Arrives in Creil
EXT. FRANCE. CREIL COUNTRYSIDE - DAY
Dorothy's eyes flutter open. The vast, undulating road of
Creil's countryside stretches endlessly before her.
The gentle warmth of the sun caresses her skin, a small joy
amidst uncertainty.
SUPER: FRANCE - CREIL - JUNE 1915 - 20 MILES FROM THE FRONT-
LINE
Her bicycle, overloaded and unsteady, jostles and rattles
across the uneven cobblestones. Losing control, it veers
sharply, tumbling her into a roadside ditch. Dorothy hits
the ground hard, a cloud of dust billowing around her.
DOROTHY
Oh blast.
Brushing herself off, Dorothy quickly checks her belongings
and steadies her parcel.
The silence is abruptly shattered by the distant rat-a-tat of
a Mitrailleuse machine gun — rapid bursts cutting through the
air like impatient knocks on a wooden door.
Her hands tremble as she reaches for her pen, the echo of
gunfire resonating as she writes.

EXT. THE TOWN OF CREIL - DAY
The main town centre of Creil. Cafes, markets, shops and
manufacturing buildings with smoking chimneys, yet untouched
by war.
SUPER: THE TOWN OF CREIL - FRENCH BASE CAMP
Dorothy admires the scenery.
On turning a corner, the true art of war is revealed. Ruined
homes with gaping holes. Bullet and shell marks, scorch the
road.
28.

Unusually, the buildings on the opposite side of the street
are unscathed. No scorch, no bullet-marks. Shops open for
business.
FRENCH SOLDIERS in their miss matched uniforms, smoke, drink
and laugh at the cafe's outdoor tables. Dorothy approaches,
catching soldiers off-guard.
DOROTHY (CONT'D
(In French; subtitled)
Hello.
A young dashing French soldier, ANTOINE, makes room for her.
His flirtatious examination of her is obvious, yet harmless.
He's tanned skin, tangled with specks of dry mud, give him
the ruggedness of an alpha male.
ANTOINE
(In French;subtitled)
Hello! Would you like a coffee?
Not fully understanding, she takes a seat.
DOROTHY
(In French;subtitled)
Oh, thank you.
ANTOINE
(In French;subtitled)
English?
DOROTHY
That's right, from London. Dorothy
Lawrence.
ANTOINE
Antoine.
DOROTHY
Does this cafe accommodate?
ANTOINE
It does.
DOROTHY
Wonderful.
With his devilish cheeky smile, he pours her a hot coffee.
Oppposite, cigarette smoke pours from the thick, rough lips
of YOUSSEF. Behind his small round spectacles, his deep eyes
tell tales of horror.
YOUSSEF
(In French;subtitled)
Maybe she's a German spy?
Dorothy doesn't understand.
29.

ANTOINE
(In French;subtitled-to
Youssef)
The German girls don't smell like
the English.
The soldiers laugh.
Youssef's uneasy stare, scrutinises every inch Dorothy's
awkwardness.
DOROTHY
(To Antoine)
Is your friend alright? Why is he
staring so forcefully?
ANTOINE
(In French;subtitled)
Youssef, she asks why you stare at
her like a savage.
YOUSSEF
(In French;subtitled)
I look because it is so strange to
see a female so far from home.
Suspicious no?
ANTOINE
(In French;subtitled)
Suspicious or not. It makes a
change from looking at your
monstrous face.
The mocking is taken in jest.
YOUSSEF
(In French;subtitled)
I don't trust the English. Give me
a French girl any day.
ANTOINE
(To Dorothy)
He stares because he has never seen
a woman so beautiful in all his
life. He loves English girls.
DOROTHY
Looking like this? I beg to differ,
but thank you.
Youssef smirks.
ANTOINE
Tell me, what is a petite English
girl doing out here, alone, on a
bicycle?
The soldiers wait in anticipation.
30.

DOROTHY
Well, I'm a journalist. I want to
report on the war.
YOUSSEF
But you are a woman no?
DOROTHY
You speak English?
YOUSSEF
As well as Antoine here. Better
looking too.
He's not and he knows it.
YOUSSEF (CONT'D)
My name is Youssef. Tell me
Dorothy, are you not scared?

DOROTHY
Scared of what?

YOUSSEF
Dying.

DOROTHY
Well, I don't intend to die.

YOUSSEF
None of my friends intended to die.
The Germans on the other hand,
proved them wrong.

ANTOINE
I apologise for my black cloud of a
friend. He's just upset. His face,
too ugly to shoot at.

The soldiers laugh. Jokes about killing are not to Dorothy's
taste, but smiles nonetheless.
Genres: ["Historical Drama","War"]

Summary Dorothy awakens in the French countryside, her bicycle in shambles amidst the echoes of distant artillery. Entering the town of Creil, she encounters a group of French soldiers who invite her for coffee. While soldier Antoine flirts, Youssef voices skepticism, questioning Dorothy's motives, hinting at espionage. Despite Youssef's suspicions, Dorothy confidently asserts her role as a journalist. Unfazed by the soldiers' banter about death, Dorothy remains optimistic, eager to commence her mission as a war correspondent.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Effective setting establishment
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Some cliched interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively sets up Dorothy's character, introduces conflict, and provides a glimpse into the wartime setting, engaging the audience with a mix of tension, drama, and humor.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a female journalist defying gender roles to report on the war is compelling and sets the stage for potential character growth and thematic exploration.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Dorothy navigates the war-torn town of Creil, facing challenges and interactions that shape her journey as a journalist.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the challenges faced by a female journalist during World War I. The characters' interactions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging, contributing to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Dorothy, Antoine, and Youssef are distinct and contribute to the scene's dynamics, with Dorothy's determination, Antoine's charm, and Youssef's skepticism adding depth.

Character Changes: 6

While Dorothy's resolve and interactions with Antoine and Youssef hint at potential character growth, significant changes are yet to be fully realized in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Dorothy's internal goal in this scene is to prove her bravery and determination as a female journalist reporting on the war. This reflects her deeper need for recognition, independence, and a desire to challenge societal norms.

External Goal: 7

Dorothy's external goal in this scene is to gather information for her war report and navigate the challenges of being a female journalist in a male-dominated war environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Dorothy's ambition, societal expectations, and the war's realities creates tension and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and tensions between the characters. Dorothy faces challenges from the French soldiers' skepticism and flirtation, adding depth to the conflict.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes of war, gender expectations, and personal ambition add tension and urgency to Dorothy's mission, raising the stakes for her character.

Story Forward: 8

The scene propels the story forward by establishing Dorothy's journey as a journalist in a war-torn setting, setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting dynamics between the characters and the unexpected twists in their interactions. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the scene will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between traditional gender roles and Dorothy's desire to break free from them. The French soldiers' skepticism and flirtation highlight this conflict, challenging Dorothy's beliefs and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes curiosity, defiance, and a sense of camaraderie, engaging the audience emotionally through Dorothy's determination and the soldiers' reactions.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is engaging, blending humor, tension, and cultural differences effectively to drive character interactions and reveal motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, tension, and cultural authenticity. The dynamic between the characters and the unfolding conflict keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a balance of dialogue and action that keeps the story moving forward. The rhythm of the scene adds to its overall impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character actions, and dialogue. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene opens with a strong visual of Dorothy waking up in the countryside, setting the tone for her journey. However, the transition from her waking up to her bicycle falling apart feels a bit abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • The introduction of the French town of Creil is vividly described, contrasting the untouched buildings with the war-torn ones. This creates a powerful visual image for the audience.
  • The interaction between Dorothy, Antoine, and Youssef is engaging and reveals the different personalities of the characters. The dialogue is well-written and adds depth to the scene.
  • The tension created by Youssef's suspicion of Dorothy being a spy adds intrigue to the scene and keeps the audience engaged. It also hints at the larger themes of trust and suspicion during wartime.
  • The humor injected into the dialogue lightens the mood of the scene, but Dorothy's discomfort with the jokes about death could be further explored to add emotional depth to her character.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the transition between Dorothy waking up and her bicycle falling apart to create a more seamless connection.
  • Explore Dorothy's emotional response to the jokes about death in more detail to deepen her character development.
  • Continue to build on the tension and suspicion surrounding Dorothy being a journalist in a war zone to add layers to the narrative.
  • Ensure that the humor in the dialogue complements the overall tone of the scene and does not detract from the seriousness of the war setting.
  • Consider incorporating more sensory details to enhance the setting and immerse the audience in the world of Creil during wartime.



Scene 10 -  Defending Dorothy
EXT. CAFE - LATER

The group of French soldiers sing drunken songs as Dorothy
claps along. Even the distant clatters of machine gun fire
doesn't dampen their spirits.


INT. CAFE. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Dorothy is asleep, but wakes from noises coming from the
street below. The bedroom window makes a good spying
position.
31.

FRENCH SOLDIERS march down the street and load onto the back
of wagons. Dorothy grabs her notepad and jots down the
action.
Antoine marches with the group. A sadness clouds over her.
The shakes in her hands, unwelcome.

EXT. CAFE - DAY
Dorothy sips her coffee, basking in the atmosphere as the
mud-covered soldiers march back into town. She waves,
searching for Antoine. Finally, he emerges, weary but alive.
As he passes by, he pulls a playful face at Dorothy,
instantly sending flutters through her.

EXT. CAFE - NIGHT
Antoine and the rest of the now familiar French soldiers,
occupy the café tables listening to Dorothy confidentially
telling a story.
DOROTHY
So I stood up and I said 'And if
you or anyone else isn't prepared
to help me then, I'll see what an
ordinary English girl can
accomplish!'.
The gang applaud with shouts of 'Bravo'.
From the next table, a group of drunk FRENCH SOLDIERS
mockingly applaud. One of them, EDGAR, an unpleasant wisp of
a man staggers towards them, knocking over their drinks in
the process.
EDGAR
(In French;subtitled)
So sorry. Let me buy you another
round.
Antoine is immediately irritated.
ANTOINE
Edgar. No need. Have a good
evening.
Edgar eye-balls Dorothy, making her recoil.
EDGAR
(To Dorothy)
Hey! Edgar.
Dorothy plays along.
DOROTHY
Hello. Dorothy.
32.

His menacing stare make her look away.
EDGAR
Come have a drink with us.
ANTOINE
She's fine with us. Go back to your
table, forget about the drinks.
EDGAR
(In French;subtitled)
When you've finished with her, I
want a turn.
Like two guard dogs, Antoine and Youssef confront him.
YOUSSEF
(In French;subtitled)
If I were you, I would go sit back
down, or are you already sitting?
The protective group hurl with laughter.
EDGAR
(In French;subtitled)
Very good Youssef, you win. I will
go.
(To Dorothy)
Good night Dorothy. Who knows,
maybe you'll change your mind.
Edgar and his group fall away. Calm is restored.
ANTOINE
Ignore him. He's what the French
call, a wet chicken.
YOUSSEF
Coward.
Genres: ["Drama","Historical","War"]

Summary Dorothy observes French soldiers marching down the street and records the action in her notepad. Antoine, one of the soldiers, marches with the group, and Dorothy's sadness is evident as she watches him go. The soldiers return the next day, and Antoine makes a playful face at Dorothy, making her heart flutter. When a drunk soldier named Edgar approaches Dorothy and makes rude remarks, Antoine and Youssef defend her, with Antoine dismissing Edgar as a coward. The scene shifts from cheerful to somber to playful, ending with Dorothy and Antoine sharing a playful moment.
Strengths
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Tense atmosphere
  • Exploration of gender inequality
Weaknesses
  • Limited exploration of Martha's character
  • Lack of background on Edgar

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the themes of gender inequality and bravery through tense interactions and strong character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of showcasing the challenges faced by a female war correspondent in a male-dominated environment is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot progresses as Dorothy faces a disrespectful encounter with Edgar, adding conflict and tension to the scene.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the wartime setting by focusing on the interpersonal dynamics and power struggles between characters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Dorothy displaying defiance and bravery, Antoine and Youssef showing protectiveness, and Edgar representing the antagonist.

Character Changes: 7

Dorothy displays bravery and defiance in the face of adversity, showcasing character growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Dorothy's internal goal in this scene is to navigate the complex social dynamics and potential danger presented by Edgar, while also seeking validation and connection with Antoine.

External Goal: 7

Dorothy's external goal is to maintain her safety and dignity in the face of Edgar's advances and potential threats.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Dorothy and Edgar, as well as the protective stance of Antoine and Youssef, creates a tense and engaging atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Edgar's predatory behavior posing a significant threat to Dorothy and the protective actions of Antoine and Youssef creating conflict and tension.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are present in Dorothy's risky decision to pursue a career as a war correspondent in a male-dominated field.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting the challenges Dorothy faces as a female war correspondent.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected power dynamics and shifts in the characters' interactions, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Edgar's predatory behavior and Antoine and Youssef's protective stance towards Dorothy. It challenges Dorothy's beliefs about her own agency and safety in a dangerous environment.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of defiance, protection, and fear, especially in Dorothy's interactions with Edgar.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and dynamics between the characters, especially in the confrontational exchange between Dorothy and Edgar.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the tense interactions, sharp dialogue, and the sense of danger and suspense created by Edgar's presence.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually, allowing for moments of suspense and character development.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations and a focus on character interactions.


Critique
  • The transition from the French soldiers singing drunken songs to Dorothy waking up in her bedroom feels abrupt and disjointed, lacking a smooth connection between the two scenes.
  • The scene where Dorothy observes the French soldiers marching down the street and loading onto wagons is well-described, but the emotional impact of Dorothy's sadness and the shakes in her hands could be further emphasized to create a stronger connection with the audience.
  • The interaction between Dorothy and Antoine at the cafe lacks depth and emotional resonance, making it difficult for the audience to fully invest in their relationship.
  • The confrontation with Edgar and the subsequent intervention by Antoine and Youssef feels somewhat cliched and predictable, lacking a unique or unexpected element to make it stand out.
  • The dialogue between the characters, especially in the confrontation with Edgar, could be more nuanced and engaging, with more subtext and layers to the interactions.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between the scenes at the cafe and Dorothy's bedroom to improve the flow of the narrative.
  • Enhance the emotional impact of Dorothy's sadness and physical reaction to the soldiers marching down the street to create a more compelling and relatable moment for the audience.
  • Develop the relationship between Dorothy and Antoine further by adding depth to their interactions and exploring their connection in a more meaningful way.
  • Add a unique twist or unexpected element to the confrontation with Edgar to make the scene more engaging and memorable for the audience.
  • Revise the dialogue to include more subtext and complexity, allowing for deeper character development and more engaging interactions between the characters.



Scene 11 -  Masquerade in the Barracks
EXT. MAIN STREET. BARRACKS - NIGHT
The barracks are still until Antoine, Youssef and Dorothy
drunkenly fall through the door in fits of laughter.
ANTOINE
Come. Let me show you.
The three crawl on their knees towards the uniform pantry.
IN THE PANTRY
miss matched uniforms adorn the wall.
YOUSSEF
You'll make a better soldier than
Edgar.
33.

He throws a khaki jacket around her and an helmet. Dorothy
marches around as the men laugh hysterically. She aims a fake
rifle at them.
DOROTHY
Don't move. Show me your papers.
The men throw up their hands.
ANTOINE
Please, don't shoot.
YOUSSEF
Or just shoot him. I have much to
live for.
The drink and laughter are too heavy to hold her up.
A siren blares out.
ANTOINE
(In French;subtitled)
Shit.
DOROTHY
What is that?
YOUSSEF
A call for the trenches.
Antoine throws her under a bunk and squeezes up next to her.
Youssef drags himself under the opposite bunk just as the
door bursts open, followed by floods of soldiers who quickly
change.
UNDER THE BUNK
Antoine holds his hand over Dorothy's giggling mouth.
As quick as they arrived, the soldiers are gone.
ANTOINE
(To Dorothy)
Are you okay?
Antoine carefully moves Dorothy's hair from her face.
ANTOINE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
I would like to stay under this
bunk forever.

DOROTHY
...That would be lovely.

ANTOINE
...I like you Dorothy.
34.

Antoine lovingly stares into her eyes. Before the kiss, he is
dragged out by his legs by a laughing Youssef.
YOUSSEF
That was close. We better get back.
Youssef helps Dorothy up and removes her uniform.
YOUSSEF (CONT'D)
You would make a good soldier, Miss
Lawrence.

DOROTHY
A female soldier, imagine the
uproar.
Genres: ["Drama","War","Historical"]

Summary Drunk and playful, Antoine, Youssef, and Dorothy dress up in military attire and indulge in laughter and playfulness. Their merriments are cut short by the blare of a siren, signaling a call to the trenches. Antoine swiftly hides Dorothy beneath a bunk as soldiers rush in to don their uniforms. In the aftermath of the soldiers' departure, Antoine and Dorothy share a tender moment before being interrupted by Youssef. Faced with the stark reality of the war, they temporarily resolve their inner conflict by hiding Dorothy, yet the siren serves as a grim reminder of the peril that surrounds them.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Effective balance of humor and tension
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched moments
  • Slight predictability in interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively balances humor, tension, and emotion, providing insight into the characters and advancing the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Dorothy infiltrating the barracks and bonding with the soldiers adds depth to her character and the wartime setting.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as Dorothy interacts with the soldiers, revealing more about her character and the challenges she faces as a female journalist in a male-dominated environment.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to wartime settings by focusing on the characters' playful interactions and defiance of authority, adding authenticity to their actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Dorothy, Antoine, and Youssef, are well-developed and their interactions showcase their personalities and relationships.

Character Changes: 7

Dorothy's character undergoes a subtle change as she bonds with the soldiers and experiences moments of vulnerability and camaraderie.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to connect with Dorothy on a deeper level and express his feelings for her.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to avoid being caught by the soldiers during the siren call for the trenches.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict, primarily in the tension between Dorothy's desire to report on the war and the challenges she faces as a woman.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the characters facing the threat of being caught by soldiers during the siren call for the trenches, adding tension and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderately high as Dorothy navigates the dangers of war reporting and challenges gender norms.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by deepening Dorothy's relationships with the soldiers and highlighting the challenges she faces as a female war correspondent.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the characters' playful defiance of authority and the unexpected siren call for the trenches, adding tension and uncertainty.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' playful defiance of authority and societal norms in the midst of wartime.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from humor to vulnerability, especially in Dorothy's interactions with Antoine.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the humor, tension, and camaraderie among the characters, enhancing the scene's dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, tension, and character dynamics, keeping the audience invested in the characters' actions and interactions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing humor with tension, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' actions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction, with the drunken antics of Antoine, Youssef, and Dorothy feeling disconnected from the overall narrative.
  • The humor in the scene, while present, feels forced and out of place given the serious backdrop of war and Dorothy's mission as a war correspondent.
  • The transition from playful laughter to the siren blaring for the trenches is abrupt and jarring, failing to build tension effectively.
  • The moment of tenderness between Antoine and Dorothy is overshadowed by the chaotic and comedic tone of the scene, diminishing its impact.
  • The dialogue, while attempting to be light-hearted, comes across as unrealistic and lacking depth, especially in the interactions between the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider reworking the scene to better align with the overall tone and themes of the screenplay, ensuring that each moment serves a purpose in advancing the story.
  • Introduce more nuanced and authentic interactions between the characters, focusing on their emotional depth and the gravity of the situation they find themselves in.
  • Explore ways to build tension and suspense leading up to the siren blaring for the trenches, creating a more impactful and cohesive transition.
  • Enhance the moment of tenderness between Antoine and Dorothy by toning down the comedic elements and allowing their connection to shine through.
  • Revise the dialogue to be more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities and the context of the scene, adding depth and authenticity to their interactions.



Scene 12 -  Rescuing Dorothy
EXT. MAIN STREET - MOMENTS LATER

The last of the wagons disappear out of sight. Antoine,
Youssef and Dorothy emerge from the shadows.

ANTOINE
Would you like me to walk you back?

DOROTHY
That won't be necessary, but thank
you.

YOUSSEF
Sleep well.

Antoine give Dorothy a loving smile.

ANTOINE
Sleep well.

The boys jog away. Dorothy lets out a smile.

The silence is peaceful as she walks back to the cafe.
Edgar rounds the corner with Two other SOLDIERS.

EDGAR
This must be my lucky night.

Dorothy Picks up the pace.

EDGAR (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
You in a hurry?

DOROTHY
I need to get back, it's very late.

Edgar rushes to block her path.

EDGAR
Too late for a drink?
35.

DOROTHY
I'm afraid so. Excuse me.
Like a predator toying with his prey, Edgar stands his
ground.
EDGAR
Me and my friends would like
company. Antoine won't mind.
Dorothy tries to run but is grabbed.
EDGAR (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
You English girls think you're so
special. I'm special too. Let me
show you.
Edgar strokes her cheek as tears swell in her eyes.

EDGAR (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
I'll be gentle. I promise.

He begins to unbutton his trousers as Antoine and Youssef
smash the two soldiers over the head, knocking them out.

Edgar runs and Youssef gives chase.

ANTOINE
Dorothy, are you alright?

Dorothy throws her arms round him.

ANTOINE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
You're safe now. It's okay.

They walk to the café.
Genres: ["Drama","Historical","War"]

Summary Antoine, Youssef, and Dorothy emerge from the shadows after the wagons leave. Antoine offers to walk Dorothy back, but she declines. Edgar and two soldiers force Dorothy to have a drink with them. Dorothy tries to run, but Edgar grabs her. Antoine and Youssef knock out Edgar's friends while Youssef chases after Edgar. Antoine comforts Dorothy and they walk back to the café.
Strengths
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-building
  • Empowerment theme
Weaknesses
  • Potential for further exploration of Dorothy's internal thoughts and emotions
  • Limited exploration of Edgar's motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion, with a strong focus on character dynamics and the impact of the wartime environment. The conflict and stakes are high, leading to a powerful resolution.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a vulnerable protagonist facing danger in a wartime setting is well-executed, with a clear focus on character relationships and themes of empowerment.

Plot: 8

The plot advances through the interaction between characters and the resolution of a threatening situation, adding depth to Dorothy's character and the overall wartime narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of power dynamics and gender roles, with a unique setting and characters. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, particularly Dorothy, Antoine, and Youssef, are well-developed and their actions drive the emotional impact of the scene. Their relationships and dynamics are central to the conflict and resolution.

Character Changes: 8

Dorothy experiences a shift from vulnerability to empowerment as she is saved by Antoine and Youssef, showcasing her resilience and strength in the face of danger. The scene deepens her character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to stay safe and protect herself from harm. This reflects her deeper need for security and autonomy.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to avoid being harmed or taken advantage of by the soldiers. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict is intense and high-stakes, with Dorothy facing a threatening situation that is resolved through the actions of Antoine and Youssef. The tension and danger are palpable throughout.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the soldiers posing a significant threat to the protagonist's safety. The audience is unsure of how she will be able to overcome this obstacle.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Dorothy faces a threatening encounter with Edgar, but is ultimately saved by her friends. The danger and tension create a sense of urgency and importance in the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by developing Dorothy's character, deepening her relationships with Antoine and Youssef, and advancing the wartime narrative. It sets the stage for further conflict and resolution.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because the audience doesn't know how the confrontation will unfold and whether the protagonist will be able to protect herself.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between the soldiers' entitlement and the protagonist's right to autonomy and safety. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs about power dynamics and gender roles.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes fear, relief, and empowerment in the face of danger, drawing the audience into Dorothy's vulnerability and the protective actions of her friends. The emotional resonance is strong.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys tension, fear, and protection, enhancing the emotional impact of the scene. It also reveals the characters' personalities and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, tension, and danger faced by the protagonist. The audience is invested in her safety and the outcome of the confrontation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows the expected format for a screenplay, enhancing the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, following the expected format for a dramatic confrontation.


Critique
  • The scene starts off with a peaceful moment as Antoine offers to walk Dorothy back, creating a sense of safety and care. However, the tension quickly escalates with the arrival of Edgar and his predatory behavior towards Dorothy, which is a stark contrast to the initial peacefulness of the scene.
  • The dialogue and actions of Edgar are quite disturbing and may be triggering for some viewers. The scene could benefit from handling this sensitive subject matter with more nuance and subtlety.
  • The sudden shift from a loving moment between Antoine and Dorothy to the threatening presence of Edgar feels slightly jarring and could be smoothed out for better flow and coherence.
  • The physical aggression and sexual undertones in Edgar's behavior towards Dorothy may need to be handled with more sensitivity and consideration for the impact it may have on the audience.
  • The scene effectively conveys the danger and vulnerability that Dorothy faces, but it could explore her emotional response and internal turmoil more deeply to enhance the audience's connection with her character.
Suggestions
  • Consider toning down Edgar's predatory behavior and dialogue to make it less explicit and more implied, while still conveying the threat he poses to Dorothy.
  • Focus on building the tension gradually throughout the scene to create a more seamless transition from the peaceful moment with Antoine to the confrontation with Edgar.
  • Explore Dorothy's emotional journey and inner thoughts in response to Edgar's aggression to add depth to her character and enhance the audience's empathy towards her.
  • Consider incorporating more subtle cues and gestures to convey Edgar's menacing presence and Dorothy's fear, rather than relying solely on explicit dialogue and actions.
  • Ensure that the scene strikes a balance between portraying the harsh realities of Dorothy's situation and handling the sensitive subject matter with care and respect.



Scene 13 -  Trauma and Resilience After the Attack
INT. DOROTHY'S BEDROOM - LATER

Dorothy is fast asleep. Antoine rests beside her, stroking
her hair. He kisses her forehead and leaves.


EXT. CAFÉ - DAY

The pencil vibrates in Dorothy's hand. The tremors, now more
frequent. Unreadable squiggles flood the page.

ANTOINE(O.S)
You writing about me?

She slams the notebook shut.

DOROTHY
Just my article.

Antoine reaches for the notebook.
36.

ANTOINE
May I read?
Dorothy quickly throws it in her bag.
DOROTHY
I'd rather you didn't.
Dorothy stares at her quivering hand, preying for it to stop.
ANTOINE
Don't let what happened last night
bring you down. Edgar was dealt
with. It won't happen again.
DOROTHY
I was so scared. I just froze. They
were going to hurt me and I just
froze.
ANTOINE
Anyone in that situation would have
done the same.
DOROTHY
That can't happen again. Not here.
Not ever.
ANTOINE
In those situations, you do
whatever you need to do to get
away.
Antoine slides a beautifully engraved flick knife across the
table.
ANTOINE (CONT'D)
Whatever you need to do.

Dorothy straight away understands and places it in her bag.
DOROTHY
That is the last time I will ever
be helpless. No more puppy.


EXT. CAFÉ - NIGHT

The gang are back together. Drinks flow. Chatter all around.
Dorothy rests her notebook on her lap. Poised for answers.

DOROTHY (CONT'D)
What is it like?

YOUSSEF
What is what like?
37.

DOROTHY
The trenches?
YOUSSEF
You don't want to know.
DOROTHY
Yes I do. What better way of
finding out than by getting first
hand accounts. It's important. For
my article.
The men share a guarded look.
ANTOINE
Let us talk of something different.
No trench talk.
DOROTHY
Well someone say something at
least.
YOUSSEF
You want to know about the
trenches. Okay.
The atmosphere turns. The soldiers minds drift elsewhere.
YOUSSEF (CONT'D)
Have you ever had a nightmare that
was so real, that when you woke,
you could still sense the danger?
It is much more than that. A
thousand nightmares more. Take all
of your fears, in fact, take
everyone's fears, drop them into an
endless black hole of death, and
you might come close.

ANTOINE
War is no good for anyone. It
effects the mind worse. Some of our
injuries are not visible. Even out
of the trenches, the nightmare
stays with you.

YOUSSEF
Maybe we could swap places Dorothy?
I write, you shoot?

They all laugh.

ANTOINE
Dorothy, will you walk with me.

Dorothy takes his hand. A couple of wolf whistles makes
Dorothy blush.
38.
Genres: ["Drama","War"]

Summary Dorothy struggles with trauma after an attack, finding comfort in Antoine's support. The soldiers share their haunting experiences in the trenches, revealing the lasting damage of war. Dorothy resolves to protect herself, empowering her to face her fears.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth of characters
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Exploration of psychological impact of war
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Some dialogue may be too expository

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and vulnerability of the characters, setting up a tense and reflective atmosphere. The dialogue is engaging and reveals the characters' inner struggles.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the psychological impact of war on individuals, particularly focusing on fear and resilience, is well executed. The introduction of a flick knife symbolizes empowerment and a shift in Dorothy's mindset.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through character interactions and revelations about their past experiences. The scene sets up potential conflicts and resolutions, adding depth to the narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the psychological effects of war and trauma, delving into the characters' inner struggles and fears with authenticity and depth. The dialogue feels genuine and the situations are portrayed with a sense of realism.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, each displaying unique traits and emotional depth. Dorothy's transformation from vulnerability to determination is compelling, while Antoine and Youssef provide contrasting perspectives on war.

Character Changes: 8

Dorothy undergoes a significant change from vulnerability to empowerment, symbolized by her acceptance of the flick knife. The soldiers also reveal their emotional scars from war, showcasing character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Dorothy's internal goal is to overcome her fear and regain a sense of control over her life. She is determined to never feel helpless again and is seeking empowerment and agency in the face of past trauma.

External Goal: 7.5

Dorothy's external goal is to gather information for her article about the trenches and the soldiers' experiences. She is driven by a sense of journalistic duty and curiosity.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict arises from Dorothy's past trauma and fear of vulnerability, as well as the soldiers' contrasting views on war. The tension adds depth to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing internal and external conflicts that challenge their beliefs, values, and actions. The tension between the characters adds depth and complexity to the scene, keeping the audience invested in the outcome.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes are evident in Dorothy's fear of vulnerability and the soldiers' reflections on the horrors of war. The scene hints at potential dangers and challenges ahead.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides insights into the characters' past experiences and sets up potential conflicts and resolutions. It moves the narrative forward by deepening the emotional stakes.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' shifting emotions, conflicting perspectives, and unexpected revelations. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the characters will react or what decisions they will make.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the impact of war on the human psyche and the struggle to cope with trauma and fear. The characters' differing perspectives on war and its effects create tension and challenge Dorothy's worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through Dorothy's vulnerability and determination, as well as the soldiers' reflections on the horrors of war. It creates a poignant and intimate atmosphere.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals the characters' emotions and motivations effectively. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the character dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional content, complex character dynamics, and thought-provoking dialogue. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and conflicts, creating a sense of suspense and intrigue.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments, introspective pauses, and emotional revelations. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the scene's impact and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, dialogue cues, and character actions. The visual and auditory elements are well-balanced and contribute to the scene's atmosphere.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively conveys the characters' emotions and conflicts. The pacing and formatting enhance the dramatic tension and thematic depth of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of direction and purpose, with the dialogue feeling disjointed and lacking in depth.
  • The transition from Dorothy's vulnerability and fear to Antoine's casual demeanor is abrupt and doesn't flow smoothly.
  • The tension and stakes of the scene are not effectively conveyed, making it difficult for the audience to fully engage with the characters' emotions and motivations.
  • The dialogue between Dorothy and Antoine feels forced and unnatural, lacking in authenticity and depth.
  • The scene could benefit from more nuanced character interactions and a clearer focus on the emotional impact of the events that have transpired.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it more authentic and reflective of the characters' emotions and motivations.
  • Focus on building tension and stakes throughout the scene to create a sense of urgency and emotional depth.
  • Explore the characters' vulnerabilities and fears more deeply to enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Work on creating a smoother transition between moments of vulnerability and moments of casual interaction to ensure a more cohesive and engaging narrative.
  • Consider adding more subtext and layers to the dialogue to enhance the complexity of the characters' relationships and emotions.



Scene 14 -  A Nighttime Conversation
EXT. MAIN STREET - NIGHT
The clear night sky illuminates the stars.
ANTOINE (CONT'D)
Beautiful no?
DOROTHY
Very beautiful.
ANTOINE
Why are you here Dorothy?
DOROTHY
I've told you. To report on the
war.
ANTOINE
Why are you putting yourself in
danger?
DOROTHY
You do it.
ANTOINE
I have to do it. You have a choice.
DOROTHY
I want to prove to myself that I
can do anything.
ANTOINE
Anything that a man can do?
DOROTHY
Maybe.
ANTOINE
Men are foolish creatures. We do
stupid things. Look at this war.
Made by man and for what? No
reason. A woman would never start a
war.
DOROTHY
You should meet my friend Martha.
ANTOINE
Go home Dorothy.
His words stop her in her tracks.
DOROTHY
I can't go home, not until-
ANTOINE
-Not until what?
39.

A long pause. She doesn't have an answer.
ANTOINE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
You're a very special woman Dorothy
Lawrence. You may not realise it
yet, but you will.

Antoine loving stare melts her fears away.

DAYDREAM - THE KISS is powerful. Romantic. All that is
missing are fireworks.

IN THE BEDROOM - they make love. Passionate. Loving. A deep
connection.

IN THE MORNING - the two lovers lie in silence. In love.
END OF DAYDREAM

The shrill of a siren snaps her back to reality and the kiss
never got to be.

ANTOINE (CONT'D)
Looks like the trenches are
calling.

Antoine leaves. Turning to blow her a kiss.

DOROTHY
Be careful Antoine!

ANTOINE
I'm always careful.
Genres: ["Drama","Romance","War"]

Summary Antoine and Dorothy discuss war, gender, and their own motivations while walking together at night. Despite their differences, they share a passionate kiss before Antoine leaves, concerned for Dorothy's safety as she reports on the war.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential predictability in romantic subplot

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth of the characters and sets up a compelling dynamic between Dorothy and Antoine, while also hinting at the dangers and challenges Dorothy will face as a war correspondent.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a female war correspondent in World War I is unique and engaging, offering a fresh perspective on the historical setting and the role of women during that time period.

Plot: 7

The plot advances through the interaction between Dorothy and Antoine, setting up potential conflicts and challenges for Dorothy as she pursues her goal of reporting on the war.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on gender dynamics and the consequences of war, presenting complex characters with conflicting beliefs and desires. The dialogue feels authentic and resonates with the audience.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Dorothy and Antoine are well-developed characters with depth and complexity, their interactions revealing layers of emotion and internal conflict.

Character Changes: 8

Dorothy experiences a shift in her perspective and determination, influenced by her interactions with Antoine and the challenges she faces as a female journalist in a male-dominated field.

Internal Goal: 8

Dorothy's internal goal is to prove to herself that she can do anything, possibly to overcome self-doubt or insecurity. This reflects her deeper desire for independence and self-empowerment.

External Goal: 7

Dorothy's external goal is to report on the war, showcasing her dedication to her work and the challenges she faces as a female journalist in a male-dominated field.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a subtle conflict between Dorothy's desire to prove herself as a war correspondent and Antoine's concern for her safety, adding tension to their relationship.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Dorothy and Antoine have conflicting beliefs and goals. The audience is left wondering how their relationship will evolve and whether they can reconcile their differences.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Dorothy as she navigates the dangers of war and challenges societal expectations, risking her safety and reputation to pursue her passion for journalism.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by deepening the relationship between Dorothy and Antoine, setting up potential conflicts and challenges for Dorothy's journey as a war correspondent.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected emotional revelations and shifts in power dynamics between the characters. The audience is kept on their toes as they navigate the complex interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict revolves around gender roles and the nature of war. Antoine believes that men are foolish for starting wars, while Dorothy challenges this notion by asserting her capabilities as a woman.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the intimate moments between Dorothy and Antoine, as well as Dorothy's internal struggles and determination.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue between Dorothy and Antoine is engaging and reveals their personalities and motivations, adding depth to their relationship.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, philosophical conflict, and character development. The audience is drawn into the intimate conversation between Dorothy and Antoine.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and emotional resonance. The pauses and silences enhance the dramatic impact of the dialogue, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting conventions for a screenplay, with clear character cues and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the atmosphere and mood of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dramatic dialogue scene, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the emotional intensity of the scene.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Antoine and Dorothy feels a bit on the nose and could benefit from more subtlety and nuance. The exchange about men being foolish and women not starting wars comes across as a bit cliched and could be explored in a more original way.
  • The transition from a romantic daydream to a passionate love scene in the bedroom feels a bit abrupt and could be better integrated into the narrative for a smoother flow.
  • The use of a daydream sequence to depict a romantic encounter may come across as a bit cliched and could be replaced with a more original and engaging way to convey the characters' emotions.
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or climax, leaving the audience hanging without a sense of closure or direction for the characters.
  • The wolf whistles at the end of the scene feel out of place and detract from the emotional intensity of the moment between Antoine and Dorothy.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue between Antoine and Dorothy to add more depth and complexity to their conversation, avoiding cliches and predictable exchanges.
  • Integrate the romantic elements of the scene more seamlessly into the narrative to create a more cohesive and engaging storyline.
  • Explore alternative ways to convey the characters' emotions and relationships without relying on traditional romantic tropes like daydream sequences.
  • Provide a clearer resolution or climax to the scene to give the audience a sense of closure and direction for the characters' arcs.
  • Consider removing the wolf whistles at the end of the scene to maintain the emotional intensity and focus on the connection between Antoine and Dorothy.



Scene 15 -  Mourning and Loss
INT. CAFÉ. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Dorothy stares out of the bedroom window as she writes in her
notebook. Her heart, full of romance.

EXT. CAFÉ - DAY

Dorothy writes at the café table. The occasionally look down
the road. All quiet.


EXT. MARKET STREET - NIGHT

Dorothy is pacing the street - anxious.


INT. CAFÉ. BEDROOM - DAY

Dorothy is woken by the sound of marching soldiers - they're
back! She springs towards the window.
40.

EXT. CAFÉ - DAY
Dorothy watches the soldiers march closer - far fewer then
before.
The soldiers, now empty shells. Some injured. Some dead.
Dorothy frantically searches up and down the line.
DOROTHY
Antoine!
Youssef limps into view.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
Youssef!
Youssef can't bring himself to look at her.

DOROTHY (CONT'D)
Youssef, what happened? Where's
Antoine.

Youssef struggles to speak.

DOROTHY (CONT'D)
Where is he?

YOUSSEF
...He's gone. His nightmare is
over.

His words make her head spin. Before she passes out, Youssef
consoles her.

YOUSSEF (CONT'D)
I'm so sorry.

Youssef limps on. She's left in limbo. Numb.


INT. DOROTHY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
The bedroom walls close in like a prison. Dorothy's tears,
uncontrollable. Unforgiving. A ruthless attack on all the
senses.


EXT. CAFÉ - DAY

Dorothy's overwhelming sadness, stuck to her like glue. Her
fingers float over Antoine's flick knife.


EXT. CREIN COUNTRYSIDE - DAY

Dorothy cycles away from Crein - forever damaged.
41.

EXT. SENLIS COUNTRYSIDE - LATER
On the outskirts of Senlis, Dorothy lies still in the tall
grass.
A CHILD carrying delicate harebells stands watching.
CHILD
(In French;subtitled)
Why are you sad?
Dorothy can't bare to look up.
DOROTHY
(In French;subtitled)
Why are you not? There's nothing
but sadness here.
The child places a single harebell in Dorothy's hand.
END OF FLASHBACK

INT. VISITING ROOM - DAY
The painful memory is felt by everyone. Dorothy stares
blankly out of the window as Mary wipes a tear away. Simon
does his best to hide his true emotions.
MARY
...You don't mention Antoine in
your book.
DOROTHY
At first I did. I wrote about us
because I needed to be close to
him. Even the short time we spent
together meant so much. I removed
him because I didn't want people,
men mainly, saying that they were
right. That I did need a man to
look after me.
MARY
I'm sorry.
DOROTHY
Just because he's not written down
in words, doesn't mean I've
forgotten him. He's always with me.
SIMON
Didn't you feel like giving up
after that? I don't think I would
be able to carry on.
42.

DOROTHY
I had proven nothing by this point.
I needed to carry on.
Genres: ["Drama","War"]

Summary Dorothy grapples with the devastating news of Antoine's death, leading her to a profound journey of grief. She finds solace in nature and the support of loved ones as she reflects on the impact of his passing.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Poignant dialogue
  • Resonant themes
Weaknesses
  • Limited action
  • Dependent on emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is emotionally impactful, well-written, and effectively conveys the inner struggles of the characters. It sets a somber tone and keeps the audience engaged with the unfolding story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of loss, resilience, and the impact of war on individuals is effectively portrayed in the scene. It delves into the complexities of human emotions and relationships during wartime.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses with Dorothy's emotional journey and the aftermath of the loss of Antoine. It keeps the audience invested in Dorothy's story and her experiences during the war.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the aftermath of war and the personal struggles of individuals affected by conflict. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Dorothy, are well-developed and their emotions feel authentic and relatable. The scene effectively showcases their inner struggles and growth.

Character Changes: 8

Dorothy undergoes significant emotional changes in the scene, grappling with loss and finding strength in resilience. Her character arc is compelling and well-developed.

Internal Goal: 9

Dorothy's internal goal is to cope with the loss of Antoine and navigate her feelings of grief and guilt. This reflects her deeper need for closure, her fear of forgetting Antoine, and her desire to honor his memory.

External Goal: 8

Dorothy's external goal is to come to terms with the reality of Antoine's death and find a way to move forward despite the pain and trauma she is experiencing.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is more internal, focusing on Dorothy's emotional turmoil and the aftermath of Antoine's death. It adds depth to the narrative and the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Dorothy facing internal and external challenges that test her resilience and emotional strength. The uncertainty of her future adds to the tension and conflict.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high emotionally for Dorothy as she navigates the aftermath of Antoine's death and grapples with her own resilience and determination.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by exploring Dorothy's emotional journey and the aftermath of Antoine's death. It adds depth to the narrative and sets up future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in the characters' emotional journeys and the unresolved conflicts that leave the audience guessing about the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around themes of loss, memory, and resilience. Dorothy's beliefs about love, grief, and survival are challenged as she grapples with the aftermath of war and the impact it has had on her life.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene is highly emotionally impactful, evoking feelings of sadness, loss, and hope. It resonates with the audience and leaves a lasting impression.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is poignant and conveys the emotional depth of the characters. It effectively captures the pain, sorrow, and determination of Dorothy and Youssef.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, the relatable struggles of the protagonist, and the suspenseful buildup of tension and conflict.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional impact, allowing for moments of reflection and introspection while maintaining a sense of urgency and momentum.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows a coherent narrative arc, moving seamlessly between different locations and character interactions. It maintains a consistent tone and pacing.


Critique
  • The transition between the different locations and time periods is a bit abrupt and could be smoother to help the audience follow the story more easily.
  • The emotional impact of Antoine's death on Dorothy could be further explored to make the scene more poignant and engaging for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Dorothy and Youssef after Antoine's death feels a bit rushed and could benefit from more depth and emotion to truly convey the weight of the loss.
  • The visual descriptions could be enhanced to create a more vivid and immersive experience for the audience, especially in scenes where emotions are running high.
  • The pacing of the scene could be adjusted to allow for more moments of reflection and introspection, particularly after such a significant event like Antoine's death.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a flashback or memory sequence to show the audience the bond between Antoine and Dorothy, making his death even more impactful.
  • Explore Dorothy's internal struggle and grief more deeply through her actions and reactions, allowing the audience to truly empathize with her loss.
  • Include more visual cues and symbolism to convey Dorothy's emotional state and the weight of Antoine's death, such as using lighting, framing, and setting to enhance the mood.
  • Allow for moments of silence and stillness in the scene to give the audience time to process the emotional intensity of the moment.
  • Consider incorporating a voiceover or inner monologue from Dorothy to provide insight into her thoughts and feelings during this difficult time.



Scene 16 -  Aftermath in Senlis
EXT. THE TOWN OF SENLIS - FLASHBACK
The agricultural district of Senlis bear the hallmarks of war
with bricks and mortar scattered about.
Shattered buildings down one side of the street, but like
Crein, the opposite side of the street still contains,
business, shops and lives in full swing.
SUPER: THE TOWN OF SENLIS - 10 MILES FROM THE FRONT-LINE
Dorothy cycles towards a heap of bricks with dust splattered
pots, pans and tin kettles poking out.
FURTHER UP THE ROAD
lies Senlis train station - half standing, half destroyed. To
Dorothy's surprise, a train pulls in and PASSENGERS come and
go.
A frail, OLD MAN shuffles close. His suitcase, suit and hat,
covered with touches of brick dust.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
(In French;subtitled)
Excuse me sir, do you live in
Senlis?
The old man shrugs.
OLD MAN
(In French;subtitled)
Not anymore, Miss.
DOROTHY
(In French;subtitled)
Do you speak English?
OLD MAN
Of course, Miss.
DOROTHY
What happened here?
OLD MAN
The Germans marched through and
poof. We didn't have much to offer
them, so they did what you see.
The devastation too much to ignore.
OLD MAN (CONT'D)
Come.
43.

FURTHER UP THE ROAD
a semi-demolished cottage. Sticking out amongst the heap, an
iron leg of a rusted bedstead.
OLD MAN (CONT'D)
You see that bed?

Dorothy fearfully nods.

OLD MAN (CONT'D)
They roasted alive a bedridden old
woman, after pouring kerosene oil
upon her and her cottage.

DOROTHY
Goodness. Did you know her?

OLD MAN
Yes. Her name was Ismay. She was my
wife.

His sadness mirrors Dorothy's.

OLD MAN (CONT'D)
She was the strongest person I have
ever met. A woman of grace and a
spirit of a queen.

Unwelcome tears fill Dorothy's eyes.

OLD MAN (CONT'D)
You can let them out. Locking your
heartbreak away will only cause you
more sorrow.

Dorothy manages to contain her emotions, but the pain
reflects in her face.

OLD MAN (CONT'D)
Sweet child. This is but a moment
in time. The pain you feel,
temporary. It's the good memories
that eventually heal us.

In his suitcase is a colourful collection of flowers. He lays
them to rest on the rubble.

OLD MAN (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
(In French;subtitled)
I'll see you again tomorrow, Ismay.
Sleep tight.

His thoughts turn back to Dorothy

OLD MAN (CONT'D)
We need never be ashamed of our
tears.
44.
Genres: ["Historical Drama","War"]

Summary Dorothy witnesses the horrors of war in Senlis. An old man shares his tragic story of loss, encouraging Dorothy to process her emotions. The scene ends with Dorothy grappling with the devastation she has seen.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Atmospheric setting
Weaknesses
  • Lack of direct conflict
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the emotional impact of war and loss, drawing the audience into the characters' experiences and emotions.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the aftermath of war through personal stories and reflections is compelling and thought-provoking.

Plot: 8

The plot focuses on Dorothy's encounter with a survivor of war, adding depth to her character and the overall narrative.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the impact of war through personal stories and emotional depth. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Dorothy and the old man, are well-developed and evoke strong emotions from the audience.

Character Changes: 8

Dorothy undergoes a subtle change as she confronts the reality of war and loss, deepening her character arc.

Internal Goal: 9

Dorothy's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the emotional impact of the war and the stories of suffering she encounters. She is seeking to understand and process the pain and loss experienced by the people of Senlis.

External Goal: 8

Dorothy's external goal is to gather information about the town of Senlis and the effects of the war on its residents. She is trying to piece together the history and stories of the people she meets.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 6

While there is no direct conflict in the scene, the emotional conflict and tension are palpable.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong in terms of emotional challenges and internal conflicts faced by the characters. Dorothy's encounter with the old man presents obstacles to her understanding of the war's impact and her own emotional journey.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high emotionally as Dorothy grapples with the aftermath of war and the personal stories of survivors.

Story Forward: 7

The scene provides insight into Dorothy's emotional journey and sets the stage for further exploration of the impact of war on individuals.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in its emotional twists and turns, as Dorothy learns about the old man's personal tragedy and finds unexpected connections with him. The audience is kept on their toes by the revelations and emotional impact of the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of loss, resilience, and the healing power of memories. The old man's perspective on grief and healing challenges Dorothy's initial reaction to the devastation she witnesses.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene elicits strong emotions from the audience, particularly sadness and empathy for the characters' experiences.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and experiences of the characters, enhancing the scene's impact.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, personal connections, and the exploration of themes such as grief, resilience, and healing. The interactions between Dorothy and the old man draw the audience in and evoke empathy.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-balanced, allowing for moments of reflection and emotional depth without losing momentum. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences contributes to the scene's effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear transitions between dialogue and action, and effective use of subtitles for translated dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure that effectively conveys the emotional journey of the characters and the themes of loss and healing. The formatting enhances the impact of the dialogue and descriptions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively sets the tone of devastation and loss in the town of Senlis, showcasing the impact of war on the local community.
  • The interaction between Dorothy and the old man is poignant and adds depth to the scene, highlighting the personal tragedies experienced by the townspeople.
  • The dialogue between Dorothy and the old man is well-written and conveys the emotional weight of the situation.
  • The visual descriptions of the destroyed town and the old man's belongings help to create a vivid and immersive setting.
  • Dorothy's emotional response to the old man's story is portrayed effectively, showing her empathy and internal struggle.
  • The scene effectively conveys the theme of resilience and the importance of acknowledging and processing grief.
  • The scene could benefit from further exploration of Dorothy's internal thoughts and emotions in response to the old man's story.
  • Adding more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere and immerse the audience in the setting could further elevate the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider delving deeper into Dorothy's emotional journey in this scene to provide a more nuanced portrayal of her character development.
  • Explore the use of symbolism or metaphor to enhance the themes of loss and resilience in the scene.
  • Incorporate more visual and sensory details to create a richer and more immersive setting for the audience.
  • Consider adding a moment of reflection or introspection for Dorothy after her interaction with the old man to further explore her emotional state.
  • Ensure that the dialogue remains authentic and impactful, capturing the essence of the characters' emotions and experiences.



Scene 17 -  Encounter in Senlis
EXT. THE TOWN OF SENLIS - LATER
Along the road is rows upon rows of plain wooden crosses with
the simple scrawling of 'To an unknown soldier' rendered on
them. Dorothy observes them with admiration.
A serious, cigar chewing FRENCH GENDARME OFFICIAL, monitors
Dorothy's movement. He's suspicious and decides to confront
her.
Dorothy panics and tries to clamber onto her bike, but her
package slips, unbalancing her and she hits the ground.
FRENCH GENDARME
(In French;subtitled)
Stop!
The French Gendarme grabs her.
FRENCH GENDARME (CONT'D)
(In French;subtitled)
Madame, what do you think you are
doing?

DOROTHY
I don't understand. English?

FRENCH GENDARME
(In French;subtitled)
You will come with me.

He marches her away.


INT. SENLIS POLICE STATION. CELL - DAY

The cell - medieval in appearance and comfort. The echo from
Dorothy's calls bounce away into nothing.

DOROTHY
(In French;subtitled)
I am a journal...a war
correspondent, from England. My
name is Dorothy Lawrence! My
passport and papers will prove
that! Hello!

The French Gendarme strolls up the corridor, documents in
hand. His authority reeks of delusions of grandeur. Would be
better placed in a death camp.

FRENCH GENDARME
Miss Lawrence. Why are you in
Senlis?

DOROTHY
I am a war-correspondent for a well
known British newspaper.
(MORE)
45.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
You have my passport and my sauf-
conduit which allows-
FRENCH GENDARME
-Your sauf-conduit has expired.
Tell me, are these British
newspapers so desperate that they
have to send a woman to do the work
of a man?
Dorothy angrily considers the question.
DOROTHY
I can report on this war better
then any man.
He scoffs.
FRENCH GENDARME
Don't be foolish. Women have no
place here. Maybe the British will
send female soldiers next? You
women need to stick to the things
you are good at.
DOROTHY
And what do you think that is?
FRENCH GENDARME
Well, bearing children of course.
Pleasing their husbands. Some women
are good at making love. A word of
advice, find yourself a husband my
dear.
He arrogantly laughs and saunters away.
Genres: ["Drama","Historical"]

Summary War correspondent Dorothy Lawrence is detained in Senlis by a suspicious French Gendarme who questions her motives and accuses her of lacking proper documentation. Dorothy defends her presence and capabilities as a journalist, but her words fail to appease the Gendarme, who arrogantly dismisses her.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Compelling dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched gender stereotypes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is impactful, emotional, and thought-provoking, with strong character dynamics and conflict.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of breaking gender barriers and pursuing one's passion despite societal norms is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot is engaging and moves the story forward, introducing conflict and showcasing character development.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on gender roles and discrimination in a historical setting. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the authenticity of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations that drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 8

Dorothy undergoes significant emotional and mental changes throughout the scene, facing challenges and making tough decisions.

Internal Goal: 8

Dorothy's internal goal is to prove her worth as a war correspondent and challenge the patriarchal views of the French Gendarme.

External Goal: 7

Dorothy's external goal is to convince the French Gendarme of her identity and purpose in Senlis.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict, both internal and external, driving the scene forward and creating tension.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the French Gendarme challenging Dorothy's identity and purpose in Senlis. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome of their confrontation.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Dorothy as she faces discrimination, danger, and personal loss in her pursuit of being a war correspondent.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges, conflicts, and character dynamics that will impact the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected confrontation and the shifting power dynamics between the characters. The audience is unsure of how the conflict will be resolved.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is evident in the clash of gender roles and societal expectations between Dorothy and the French Gendarme. It challenges Dorothy's beliefs in gender equality and her ability to excel in a male-dominated field.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly sadness, anger, and determination, making it impactful and memorable.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and reveals the characters' emotions and beliefs effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense conflict and power struggle between Dorothy and the French Gendarme. The dialogue and actions keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense through the interactions between Dorothy and the French Gendarme. The rhythm of the dialogue enhances the emotional impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks subtlety in portraying the sexism Dorothy faces, with the French Gendarme's dialogue coming across as overly blunt and stereotypical.
  • The confrontation between Dorothy and the French Gendarme feels forced and lacks nuance, making it less impactful.
  • The French Gendarme's character is one-dimensional and lacks depth, making the scene feel less authentic.
  • The dialogue exchange between Dorothy and the French Gendarme is heavy-handed and could benefit from more subtlety and complexity.
  • The scene could benefit from more subtext and layers to the characters' motivations and interactions.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more nuance to the French Gendarme's character to make the confrontation with Dorothy more compelling.
  • Explore different ways to portray the sexism Dorothy faces in a more subtle and nuanced manner.
  • Add depth to the dialogue exchange between Dorothy and the French Gendarme by incorporating subtext and complexity.
  • Consider revising the scene to create a more authentic and impactful interaction between Dorothy and the French Gendarme.
  • Focus on developing the characters' motivations and emotions to add layers to the scene and make it more engaging.



Scene 18 -  The Encounter at the River's Edge
EXT. THE TOWN OF SENLIS. BORDER - DAY
The French Gendarme hands over her documents.
FRENCH GENDARME (CONT'D)
Don't come back to Senlis.
Dorothy's dour expression gives him her answer.
FRENCH GENDARME (CONT'D)
And remember, leave this sort of
work to men. You go and make the
home nice.

Turning back.

DOROTHY
As long as there is breath in my
lungs, I will never rely on any
man.
46.

ON THE DIRT ROAD
a few hundred meters from the border, Dorothy takes in her
surrounds. Something dawns on her as she spies the woods.
THE WOODS
dark. Unwelcoming. Silent, apart from the wheels of the
bicycle rolling over tangled undergrowth. Exhausted, she sets
up camp. Eggs boil over sounds of heavy distant booms renting
the air.
Her leafy bed - uncomfortably. Rats and a chorus of wildlife
makes it unbearable to sleep. The cold sets in. The thin
blanket doesn't protect her from the harshness of the
freezing air.

EXT. SENLIS. WOODS - DAY
Dorothy emerges from the woods, in need of a wash. A river
cuts between open field where WORKERS guide machines over the
rich lands.
AT THE RIVER
Dorothy looks for a place to bath. On undressing, she
realises a young, reflective FRENCH OFFICER is fishing close
by. The bathing will have to wait.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
(In French;subtitled)
Caught anything?
Startled by her sudden appearance.
FRENCH OFFICER
(In French;subtitled)
No. But, it's fine. Are you French?
DOROTHY
English.
FRENCH OFFICER
Far from home no?
DOROTHY
Slightly. You?
FRENCH OFFICER
I come from Bordeaux, but it is
nice here.
DOROTHY
War is nice to you.
47.

FRENCH OFFICER
The views are nice, peaceful. The
war, not so much.
He hands her a fishing rod and she casts.
DOROTHY
I'm trying to get to the front-
line.
FRENCH OFFICER
Why?
DOROTHY
I'm a war...It's for a story I want
to write.
FRENCH OFFICER
Most men want to run away from the
front, but you want to run to it.
DOROTHY
I've come so far, I need to at
least see it.
He understands.
FRENCH OFFICER
...Why so sad?
DOROTHY
How do you know I'm sad?
FRENCH OFFICER
Your eyes. A valley of sadness.
DOROTHY
I lost someone. Someone special.
FRENCH OFFICER
I know the feeling. Many friends,
lost to this madness.
His words, resonate deep.
FRENCH OFFICER (CONT'D)
There's a deeper sadness. You hide
it well, but...your eyes, tell the
truth. Maybe that is why you are
here. Who knows.

His words hit a deep chord.

DOROTHY
How can I get to the front?
48.

FRENCH OFFICER
The bad news for you is that two
miles in that direction are guards
and blocks. You will never get
through.
DOROTHY
What about through the woods?
FRENCH OFFICER
More guards, more blocks. You
either need to be a soldier, or a
magician to get through.
Another disheartening set back.
FRENCH OFFICER (CONT'D)
What will you do?

DOROTHY
Become a magician I guess. Either
that or give up and go home.

FRENCH SOLDIER
Why give up?

DOROTHY
Blocks in every direction.

FRENCH SOLDIER
Don't let a few blocks stand in
your way. A few blocks are easy to
move...a wall, not so much. Who
knows, if you succeed, it may help
bring down your wall.

He offers her an hopeful smile.
Genres: ["Drama","War","Historical"]

Summary Refused entry to Senlis, Dorothy presses on to the front, meeting a French Officer at a river. They discuss their motivations and the sadness that weighs upon them.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Compelling themes
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced
  • Pacing in certain sections

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional depth of the characters, advances the plot significantly, and introduces new conflicts and challenges.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a female war correspondent navigating through war-torn France is compelling and offers a unique perspective on the historical setting.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses with Dorothy's journey to the front-line, encountering setbacks and forming new relationships along the way.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on war narratives by exploring the personal journeys and emotional struggles of the characters. The dialogue feels authentic and nuanced, adding depth to the familiar setting of a war-torn town.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Dorothy and the French Officer, are well-developed and show depth in their interactions and emotions.

Character Changes: 8

Dorothy undergoes significant emotional growth and resilience in the face of adversity, showcasing her development as a character.

Internal Goal: 9

Dorothy's internal goal is to find closure and purpose after losing someone special. She seeks to confront her sadness and find meaning in her journey to the front-line.

External Goal: 8

Dorothy's external goal is to reach the front-line of the war to gather material for a story she wants to write. She faces obstacles and challenges in her path.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict present, primarily in Dorothy's pursuit of her goal despite numerous obstacles.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Dorothy facing physical and emotional obstacles that challenge her resolve and determination. The French Officer's perspective adds complexity to her journey.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Dorothy navigates through a war-torn landscape, facing personal and professional challenges that could have lasting consequences.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges, deepening character relationships, and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected interactions between Dorothy and the French Officer, as well as the obstacles she encounters in her journey. The audience is kept on edge wondering how she will overcome the challenges.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of loss, resilience, and determination. Dorothy's belief in not relying on men clashes with the French Officer's perspective on facing challenges and finding hope in difficult situations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly in Dorothy's grief over loss and her determination to continue despite hardships.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is engaging and reveals the characters' motivations and inner struggles effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, character dynamics, and the sense of urgency in Dorothy's quest. The interactions between characters and the obstacles they face keep the audience invested in the story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, allowing for moments of introspection and character development. The rhythm of the dialogue and action sequences enhances the overall effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for a dramatic screenplay, with clear scene headings, dialogue formatting, and descriptive elements.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that builds tension and emotional depth through character interactions and setting descriptions. It effectively conveys the challenges faced by the protagonist.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension considering Dorothy's goal of reaching the front-line of the war. The interactions between Dorothy and the French Officer feel somewhat passive and lack a sense of conflict or stakes.
  • The dialogue between Dorothy and the French Officer could be more impactful and revealing of their characters. It feels somewhat generic and could benefit from more depth and emotional resonance.
  • The transition between Dorothy setting up camp in the woods and then emerging to bathe in the river feels disjointed and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
  • The emotional depth of Dorothy's grief over losing someone special is not fully explored in the scene. It could be more impactful if the audience could feel the weight of her loss through her interactions with the French Officer.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the setting and atmosphere, such as the sounds of heavy distant booms and the cold setting in as Dorothy tries to sleep.
Suggestions
  • Introduce more conflict and tension in the scene to heighten the stakes and engage the audience. This could involve obstacles or challenges that Dorothy faces in her quest to reach the front-line.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Dorothy and the French Officer to reveal more about their characters and motivations. This could add depth to their interactions and make the scene more engaging.
  • Consider restructuring the scene to create a more seamless transition between Dorothy setting up camp in the woods and her encounter with the French Officer at the river. This will help maintain the flow of the scene.
  • Explore Dorothy's grief and loss more deeply through her interactions with the French Officer. Show the emotional impact of her loss and how it drives her to continue her journey despite the obstacles.
  • Include more visual descriptions to enhance the setting and atmosphere of the scene. This will help immerse the audience in the world of the story and create a more vivid and engaging experience.



Scene 19 -  A Soldier's Request
EXT. PARIS. CHAMPS-ELYSÉES AVENUE/BOULEVARDS - DAY/NIGHT
Dorothy walks through the hustle and bustle of Paris life.

SUPER: PARIS - TWO WEEKS LATER - 101 MILES FROM THE FRONT-
LINE

Dorothy writes. Filling note pad after note pad.

In the light of day, she embraces every inch of Paris. By
night, bouts of depression, plagued by the memory of Antoine.


EXT. PARIS RAILWAY STATION. CAFÉ - DAY

The railway station, a constant hive of activity.

Two lonesome, fresh faced KHAKI SOLDIERS, on an adjacent
table, catch Dorothy's eye.
49.

DOROTHY
They'll do.
With a new found confidence, she approaches.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
Hello boys.

The older soldier, PRIVATE PETERS, smiles through his over-
grown moustache. His eyes welcoming, still untouched by war.

He has a thick Yorkshire accent.

PETERS
Ello Miss.
Dorothy sticks out her hand.

DOROTHY
Dorothy Lawrence. War-
Correspondent.

Peters shakes it.

PETERS
Nice to hear a voice from back
home. I'm Peters, he's Philips.

PRIVATE PHILIPS, younger of the two. Very boyish. Fresh off
his mothers breast.

Dorothy pours herself a coffee. Peters grins, amused by her
audacity.


EXT. PARIS RAILWAY STATION. CAFÉ - LATER

Dorothy, Peters and Philips take comfort in each others
company.

DOROTHY
So, this may sounds strange boys,
but you seem decent enough to help
me.

PETERS
We all need help here love.

DOROTHY
Mine is a, how can I put it? A
secret kind of help.

PHILIPS
We're not killing anyone.

PETERS
Not yet anyhow lad.
50.

DOROTHY
That's absurd. No killing.
She grows nervous. Then,
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
I want to get out to the front...as
a soldier.

Silent disbelief.

PETERS
Say what love?

DOROTHY
I want you boys to help me get out
to the front...as a soldier.

PHILIPS
Are you sure you don't want anyone
killing? Might be easier.

Peters and Philips exchange a smirk.

PETERS
Yer can't be serious.

DOROTHY
I'm deadly serious.

Peters, not sure if she's joking.

PETERS
You do realise you're a lassy.

DOROTHY
A lassy?

PETERS
A girl.
DOROTHY
Yes, I'm quite aware of that.

PHILIPS
Girls can't be soldiers.

DOROTHY
Who says?

PHILIPS
The British army.

DOROTHY
The British army is filled with
ancient men in charge. Men stuck in
their ways. Tell me, are you boys
stuck in your ways?
51.

Peters and Philips share a baffled look.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
I will guarantee that your
identities will remain a secret.

Peters hesitates, then...

PETERS
...I don't know what yer want us to
do. We can't smuggle yer in.

DOROTHY
I can do that part on my own. All I
need from you is uniform.
No one speaks. Peters thinks as he strokes his moustache.

PETERS
Alright, you're on.

PHILIPS
What?

PETERS
Button it lad.

PHILIPS
We could get in serious trouble for
this.

PETERS
Ey, and in a weeks time, we might
be dead in a ditch. Life is strange
lad. If we can help Dorothy here,
then why thee hell not.

DOROTHY
Why thee hell not indeed.

PHILIPS
Bloody hell.

Philips sighs then...

PHILIPS (CONT'D)
...Why the hell not.

Dorothy lifts her coffee cup and toasts.
Genres: ["Drama","War","Historical"]

Summary Amidst the lively Paris station cafe, Dorothy, a war correspondent, boldly approaches soldiers Peters and Philips with an audacious request: to join them at the front as a soldier. Despite skepticism, the seasoned Peters agrees to assist, while the younger Philips reluctantly follows suit. Thus, Dorothy's pursuit of breaking gender barriers and military norms finds support, setting the stage for an unconventional journey.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Engaging dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, emotionally impactful, and sets up a significant turning point in the story with Dorothy's decision to go to the front as a soldier.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a female war correspondent wanting to experience the frontlines firsthand by posing as a soldier is innovative and adds depth to the character and the plot.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly with Dorothy's bold decision and the introduction of new characters who will play a crucial role in her journey.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on gender roles and war journalism during World War I. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, especially Dorothy, Peters, and Philips, each with distinct personalities and motivations that drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 8

Dorothy undergoes a significant change by deciding to go to the front as a soldier, showcasing her bravery and determination.

Internal Goal: 8

Dorothy's internal goal is to prove herself and challenge societal norms by becoming a war correspondent and soldier. This reflects her desire for independence, recognition, and breaking free from traditional gender roles.

External Goal: 7

Dorothy's external goal is to convince the soldiers to help her get to the front lines as a soldier. This reflects her immediate challenge of overcoming gender barriers and societal expectations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a conflict between Dorothy's desire to go to the front and the soldiers' initial disbelief, adding tension and driving the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Dorothy faces resistance from the soldiers due to societal norms and expectations. The uncertainty of their response creates conflict and tension.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Dorothy risks her safety and reputation by embarking on a dangerous mission to the front as a soldier.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing a new direction for Dorothy's journey and setting up future conflicts and developments.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of Dorothy's bold request and the soldiers' unexpected reactions. The outcome is uncertain, adding tension to the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between traditional gender roles and Dorothy's desire to break free from them. It challenges the characters' beliefs about women's capabilities and societal norms.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact is high, especially with Dorothy's determination, the camaraderie between the characters, and the underlying sadness and hopefulness in the scene.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, reflective of the characters' personalities, and drives the conflict and emotional depth of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic character interactions, the high stakes of Dorothy's request, and the blend of humor and drama.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense as Dorothy reveals her plan and the soldiers react. The rhythm of the dialogue adds to the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for a dialogue-heavy interaction, with clear character motivations and conflicts driving the narrative forward.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from Dorothy's grief over Antoine's death to her sudden confidence in approaching the soldiers for help.
  • The dialogue between Dorothy, Peters, and Philips feels a bit rushed and lacks depth, especially considering the gravity of Dorothy's request to join the front as a soldier.
  • The reactions of Peters and Philips to Dorothy's request seem too easily swayed, given the societal norms and restrictions of the time period.
  • The scene could benefit from more internal conflict and emotional depth from Dorothy, as well as more resistance from Peters and Philips before agreeing to help her.
  • The tone of the scene shifts abruptly from somber and reflective to light-hearted and almost comedic, which may not effectively convey the seriousness of Dorothy's mission.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a more gradual build-up to Dorothy's decision to approach the soldiers for help, showing her internal struggle and determination more clearly.
  • Develop the dialogue between Dorothy, Peters, and Philips to reflect the weight of Dorothy's request and the societal norms they are challenging.
  • Add more resistance and conflict from Peters and Philips before they agree to help Dorothy, to make their decision more believable and impactful.
  • Maintain a consistent tone throughout the scene to effectively convey the seriousness of Dorothy's mission and the risks involved.
  • Explore Dorothy's emotions and motivations in more depth to make her character more compelling and relatable to the audience.



Scene 20 -  The Exchange
EXT. PARIS. BOULEVARD - DAY

A busy Parisian boulevard. Dorothy marches ahead. Peters and
Philips almost jogging to keep up.
52.

DOROTHY
Now the uniform must consist of; a
jacket, badge, cap, puttees, shirt
and boots.
Dorothy turns to Philips.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
You taking this down Philips?

Philips grimaces as he pulls out a notepad. Dorothy marches
on.

DOROTHY (CONT'D)
And as a token of my gratitude, I
will show you around Paris.
Parisians pride themselves on their
hospitality.

PHILIPS
How exciting.

DOROTHY
Put your tongue back in Philips.

Peters conceals his amusement. Dorothy halts again.

DOROTHY (CONT'D)
How is this outfit to change hands
without arousing suspicion?

PETERS
Let them think it is out washing.
Every night, we'll wrap it up and
hand it over.

DOROTHY
Wonderful. That'll work. We'll
begin tonight.

EXT. RUE DE RIVOLI - NIGHT

Paris at night. Alive. Music. Celebratory. The war, a distant
thought. Passing DRUNK SOLDIERS sing songs. FRENCH WOMEN walk
hand in hand with new lovers.

Dorothy hides under the shadows of one of the many boulevard
trees. Through the crowds, Peters emerges. A brown package
tucked under his arm.

PETERS
Boots.

Peters hands the package over. Like a perfectly timed dance,
they part ways.
53.

INT. PARIS HOTEL. RECEPTION - NIGHT
The reception of the hotel is olde worlde. An elderly tiny
french couple, MR & MRS BAILLY, stand behind the reception
desk - bickering.
Dorothy strides past them.
DOROTHY
(In French;subtitled)
Good evening.
MR & MRS BAILLY
(In French;subtitled)
Good evening.
The bickering continues.

INT. PARIS HOTEL. BEDROOM - NIGHT
The boots are slightly too big, but manageable. The full
length mirror allows Dorothy to examine herself. She marches
around her room. It takes her back to the night in the
barracks.

EXT. RUE DE RIVOLI - NIGHT
Dorothy waits under the same tree. Philips appears. Hands
over a brown package.
PHILIPS
Trousers.
They part ways.

INT. PARIS HOTEL. RECEPTION - NIGHT
Dorothy walks into the reception, greeted by Mr & Mrs Bailly.
DOROTHY
(In French;subtitled)
Good evening.
MR & MRS BAILLY
(In French;subtitled)
Good evening.

INT. PARIS HOTEL. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Dorothy struggles with the buttons on the small sized
trousers. The braces tangle and spring off the loops. She
jumps, jerks, until at last, the trousers are on...some what.
54.

EXT. RUE DE RIVOLI - NIGHT
Dorothy waits, smoking a cigarette under the tree. Peters
approaches. One last package.
PETERS
That's everything Dorothy.
DOROTHY
Wonderful. Tomorrow night we
celebrate.
They part ways.

INT. PARIS HOTEL. RECEPTION - NIGHT
Dorothy walks into the reception, greeted by Mr & Mrs Bailly.
Their smiles, now more suspicious.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
(In French;subtitled)
Good evening.
MR & MRS BAILLY
(In French;subtitled)
Good evening.

INT. PARIS HOTEL. BEDROOM - NIGHT
The full soldier attire transforms her. Some tweaking needed -
her buxom breasts, a dead give away.
Swathes of bandages compact her womanly figure. Cotton wool
pads her out. The mirror reflects her amazing work. She looks
the part, almost.

EXT. PARISIAN CAFÉ - NIGHT
Dorothy sips on her wine feeling more comfortable in her
civilian clothing.
Peters and Philips, merrily enjoy the nightlife.
DOROTHY
I don't think I can thank you boys
enough for what you've done.
PETERS
We don't mind helping yer, Kiddy.
You'll never get near enough to be
in danger anyway.
DOROTHY
Is that so?
55.

PETERS
I know so.
Dorothy raises her glass and cheers.
British OFFICER MAXWELL (40's) wades through the crowd. His
young Parisian date, ZURI, hooked under his arm.
OFFICER MAXWELL
Evening Peters. Philips.
PETERS/PHILIPS
Sir.
Maxwell uninvited, takes a seat. Zuri is left standing.
OFFICER MAXWELL
So, who is your lady friend Peters?
PETERS
This is Dorothy Lawrence.
Maxwell, takes a disinterested glance.
OFFICER MAXWELL
(To Peters)
So where did you meet her?
Dorothy polity takes a chair from the next table and offers
it to Zuri sit, which she accepts.
DOROTHY
(To Zuri)
I'm Dorothy. What is your name?
Zuri turns to Maxwell for approval. He begrudgingly nods.
ZURI
Zuri.
DOROTHY
Zuri? What a wonderful name.
OFFICER MAXWELL
(To Peters)
So, as I was saying, where did you
meet her?
The wine has given Dorothy a boost in courage.
DOROTHY
Why don't you ask me yourself?
Maxwell is taken back.
OFFICER MAXWELL
Excuse me?
56.

DOROTHY
I said, why don't you ask me
yourself?
Maxwell scoffs.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
The fact that you invited yourself
to join us is incredibly rude. You
didn't introduce yourself and the
sadist thing of all, you didn't get
Zuri here a chair.

Zuri masks her delight. Philips and Peters exchange a gleeful
look.
OFFICER MAXWELL
Do you know who I am?

DOROTHY
No, that's my point.

OFFICER MAXWELL
Maxwell. Officer Maxwell.

DOROTHY
Well Maxwell, in future, try be
more courteous when greeting a
lady.

OFFICER MAXWELL
(Amused)
She's got some spunk hasn't she
boys?

DOROTHY
She? Who is she Maxwell?

PETERS
Why don't we order more wine?
DOROTHY
She...Maxwell?

Maxwell puffs his chest out and stares directly at Dorothy.

OFFICER MAXWELL
Yes she. You. Woman. You are a
woman aren't you? Certainly don't
act like one. Speaking to an
officer in such a manner. I really
don't think you know who I am.

DOROTHY
I know exactly who you are. I've
met hundreds of men like you.
Privileged. Spoiled.
(MORE)
57.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
You treat women like second class
citizens. Am I close?
Peters sprays his wine. Zuri squeaks with delight. Philips
jaw hangs wide. Maxwell jumps to the defensive.
OFFICER MAXWELL
How dare you! I don't have to
listen to this, especially from a
feral woman. A drunk one at that.
Come Zuri!
DOROTHY
She's not a dog, Maxwell.
OFFICER MAXWELL
There's only one dog here. Speaking
to a man in such a manner, how
bloody dare you. Zuri!
Zuri slowly stands - silently thanking Dorothy. Maxwell
whisks her away.
Philips rolls with laughter.
PHILIPS
I don't think I've ever been
happier.
Much laughter. Peters gathers himself.
PETERS
Where do yer plan to travel?
DOROTHY
Back to Creil or Senlis maybe?
PETERS
No. Bethune. If yer can get to
Bethune, you will be alright.
DOROTHY
Bethune is the front of the front.
No civilian may go there. Even a
soldier needs a pass from
headquarters.
PHILIPS
You can make a pass for yourself.
Privates do it all the time.
DOROTHY
Go on.
Genres: ["Drama","War","Historical"]

Summary Dorothy, Peters, and Philips exchange a British soldier's uniform piece by piece under the cover of darkness. Dorothy confronts a rude British officer for his sexist behavior and successfully obtains the uniform. They celebrate their success and make plans for Dorothy to travel to Bethune.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Unique concept
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched elements in character interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is engaging, emotionally impactful, and moves the story forward significantly. It introduces high stakes and conflict while showcasing character development and strong dialogue.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of Dorothy disguising herself as a soldier to report on the war is unique and compelling. It challenges traditional gender roles and adds depth to the character.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Dorothy prepares to infiltrate the front lines, setting up tension and anticipation for future events. The scene introduces new challenges and obstacles for the character.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on gender dynamics and societal expectations during wartime. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Dorothy, are well-developed and show growth and complexity. Their interactions and dialogue reveal their personalities and motivations effectively.

Character Changes: 7

Dorothy undergoes a significant change in this scene as she takes on a new identity and challenges societal expectations. Her interactions with the other characters also reveal different facets of her personality.

Internal Goal: 8

Dorothy's internal goal is to prove herself as capable and independent, challenging societal norms and gender expectations.

External Goal: 7

Dorothy's external goal is to successfully navigate the dangerous situation she's in and continue her mission without arousing suspicion.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Dorothy and Officer Maxwell adds tension and drama to the scene. Dorothy's defiance and Maxwell's arrogance create a compelling dynamic that drives the conflict forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting values and goals creating tension and conflict among the characters.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Dorothy risks her safety and reputation by disguising herself as a soldier to report on the war. The conflict with Officer Maxwell adds tension and raises the stakes even further.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing new challenges and obstacles for the characters. It sets up future conflicts and developments while maintaining a fast pace.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists in character dynamics and the challenging of societal norms.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between traditional gender roles and Dorothy's desire for equality and respect. This challenges her beliefs and values, as well as those of the other characters.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from defiance and empowerment to sadness and hope. Dorothy's determination and vulnerability make her a relatable and compelling character.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and confrontational, adding depth to the characters and driving the scene forward. It showcases the power dynamics and conflicts between the characters.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its dynamic character interactions, witty dialogue, and suspenseful plot developments.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with clear scene headings and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined beats and transitions. It effectively builds tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension considering the risky and covert nature of Dorothy obtaining a soldier's uniform piece by piece.
  • The dialogue between Dorothy and Peters/Philips feels a bit too casual and lacks the gravity of the situation they are in.
  • The interaction with Officer Maxwell could be more intense and impactful, with stronger emotional stakes and a more dynamic exchange between the characters.
  • The transition between the uniform exchange and the confrontation with Officer Maxwell feels a bit abrupt and could be smoother.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the setting and atmosphere of Paris at night.
Suggestions
  • Add more suspense and tension to the scene by emphasizing the risks Dorothy is taking to obtain the soldier's uniform.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Dorothy and Peters/Philips to reflect the seriousness of their mission and the potential consequences of their actions.
  • Develop the confrontation with Officer Maxwell to be more emotionally charged and impactful, showcasing the power dynamics at play.
  • Consider refining the pacing and transitions between different moments in the scene to create a more cohesive narrative flow.
  • Include more vivid visual descriptions to immerse the audience in the setting of Paris at night and enhance the overall atmosphere of the scene.



Scene 21 -  Forging the Documents
INT. PARIS HOTEL. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Dorothy is forging her soldiers pass on the writing desk.
58.

PETERS (V.O)
Private...You need a name.

EXT. PARISIAN CAFÉ - NIGHT
Dorothy thinks.
PHILIPS
What about Philips?
Dorothy rolls her eyes.
DOROTHY
Denis. Denis Smith.
PETERS
Denis Smith. Smashing.

INT. PARIS HOTEL. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Dorothy is forging her soldiers pass on the writing desk.
PETERS (V.O)
Private Denis Smith has leave to be
absent from his quarters from
August 16th till August 23rd on
special business. Signed...maybe
use your left had to sign it, just
squiggle something. Commanding
Officer, 1st Leicestershire
Regiment.
Dorothy admires her work.

EXT. PARISIAN CAFÉ - NIGHT
The three bunch close, whispering their secret plans.
DOROTHY
What about the stamp?
Peters and Philips exchange a grin.

INT. PARIS HOTEL. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Dorothy is dipping a small disc into marking ink.
PETERS (V.O)
Just make sure the ink doesn't run.
As long as there is some sort of
stamp, no one will care.
Dorothy steadily removes the disc and blows on the ink.
59.

EXT. PARISIAN CAFÉ - NIGHT
Peters shows Dorothy his ID disc from around his neck.
It reads; B.PETERS No.176876, 1st Leicester Regt. R.C.

INT. PARIS HOTEL. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Dorothy is forging her ID disc out of leather.
PETERS (V.O) (CONT'D)
Yer know, just in case you...
PHILIPS (V.O)
...get blown up?
DOROTHY (V.O)
Oh how lovely. What's R.C.?
PETERS (V.O)
Roman Catholic.
Dorothy places her finishes ID disc round her neck.
PETERS (V.O) (CONT'D)
The ID disc is part of your
uniform. Wear it all the time.


EXT. PARISIAN CAFÉ - NIGHT

Peters tucks his ID disc back under his shirt.

PETERS
The tricky part is getting a sauf-
conduit to Bethune. A mayor can
sign your passport, but he may not
sign it to Bethune.

INT. MAYORS OFFICE - DAY

A dithering old FRENCH MAYOR is filling out paper work. His
eyes slowly emerge from the files.

DOROTHY
I'm leaving here in a few days and
as I have my bicycle, I want to
cycle as far as Calais, rather than
get a train there.

FRENCH MAYOR
You are leaving our beautiful
France so soon? Can't you stay
longer?

A tiny smile.
60.

DOROTHY
Unfortunately, I must be off I
fear. But I have enjoyed my visit
immensely.
The Mayor nods approvingly.
DOROTHY (V.O) (CONT'D)
I will go on to say, 'perhaps you
will give me a train pass as far as
Amiens? Then I can cycle on to
Calais'.

The Mayor moves to his desk and begins to write.

PHILIPS (V.O)
Rather a long cycle ride to Calais
don't you think?

DOROTHY (V.O)
Do be quiet Philips. This is my
story and I will tell it how I
like.

The old mayor fills out the Sauf-conduit. Name. Hair colour.
He pauses.

FRENCH MAYOR
(In French;subtitled)
Where are you travelling?

Two FRENCH GENDARME enter. Like the rest, they're mechanical.
She turns nervously and smiles but they offer no warmth.

FRENCH MAYOR (CONT'D)
(In French;subtitled)
Where are you travelling, Miss?

Less self assured.

DOROTHY
Calais.

The Mayor nods and continues to write.

Dorothy's inner panic builds but she finally blurts out...

DOROTHY (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
...Via Bethune.

The Mayor freezes and inquisitively stares at her, then he
makes eye contact with the two French Gendarme officers.

Dorothy stands firm. The eyes of the two officers burn a hole
into the back of her head. Then finally...
61.

FRENCH MAYOR
(In French;subtitled)
...Yes, of course.
The Mayor writes Bethune on the sauf-conduit.
Genres: ["War","Drama","Historical"]

Summary With Peters and Philips's help, Dorothy forges her soldier's pass and ID disc. Despite suspicion from French Gendarme officers, she obtains a sauf-conduit to Bethune from the French Mayor.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled plot
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Camaraderie between characters
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity in some dialogue exchanges

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively combines tension, emotion, and character development to create a compelling narrative that drives the story forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Dorothy forging her soldier's pass and ID disc adds depth to her character and showcases her determination to pursue her goals despite the risks involved.

Plot: 8

The plot of Dorothy's continued journey towards the front-line of the war is engaging and filled with tension, especially with the added conflict of being questioned by the French Gendarme.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on the wartime espionage genre, with a focus on the intricacies of document forgery and the tension of deception. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and true to the setting.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters of Dorothy, Peters, and Philips are well-developed and their interactions reveal their resourcefulness and camaraderie.

Character Changes: 7

Dorothy undergoes a significant change in this scene as she takes on the identity of Private Denis Smith and continues her journey towards the front-line of the war.

Internal Goal: 8

Dorothy's internal goal is to successfully forge her documents and navigate the challenges of wartime espionage. This reflects her desire for freedom and survival in a dangerous world.

External Goal: 7

Dorothy's external goal is to obtain a sauf-conduit to Bethune without raising suspicion. This reflects her immediate challenge of evading detection and continuing her journey safely.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is high, with Dorothy facing the risk of being caught by the French Gendarme and the tension of forging her soldier's pass and ID disc.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Dorothy facing obstacles and challenges that threaten her goals. The uncertainty of the French Mayor and Gendarme officers adds to the tension and conflict.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene, with Dorothy risking being caught by the French Gendarme and facing the dangers of continuing her journey towards the front-line of the war.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by showing Dorothy's determination to continue her journey and the risks and challenges she faces along the way.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in Dorothy's interactions with the French Mayor and Gendarme officers. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the situation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between honesty and deception. Dorothy must choose between being truthful about her travel plans and risking suspicion, or lying to protect herself and achieve her goals.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, especially with the revelation of Antoine's death and Dorothy's emotional response to witnessing the devastation caused by the war.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension and determination of the characters, as well as their camaraderie and shared goals.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, sharp dialogue, and high stakes. The audience is drawn into Dorothy's struggle and invested in the outcome of her actions.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense leading to a climactic moment of confrontation. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions enhances the effectiveness of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with distinct locations and character actions clearly described. It adheres to the expected format for a screenplay in this genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure of setting up the conflict, developing the tension, and resolving it with a twist. It fits the expected format for a suspenseful wartime drama.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition between the different locations, making it slightly confusing for the audience to follow Dorothy's movements.
  • The dialogue feels a bit rushed and could benefit from more natural pauses and reactions between the characters.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth in the interactions between Dorothy and the French Mayor, as well as the French Gendarme officers, which could be improved to create more tension and suspense.
  • The inner panic and nervousness that Dorothy feels could be portrayed more effectively through her actions and expressions, adding to the intensity of the scene.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the setting and atmosphere, helping to immerse the audience in Dorothy's journey.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding transitional elements such as establishing shots or brief descriptions to clearly indicate the change in locations.
  • Allow for more pauses in the dialogue to create a more natural flow and realistic interaction between the characters.
  • Focus on building up the tension and suspense during Dorothy's interaction with the French Mayor and Gendarme officers to heighten the stakes of her situation.
  • Encourage the actors to convey Dorothy's inner panic and nervousness through subtle gestures and expressions, adding depth to her character.
  • Enhance the visual elements by describing the surroundings in more detail to create a vivid picture of the scene for the audience.



Scene 22 -  A Soldier's Disguise
EXT. PARISIAN CAFE - NIGHT
Peters and Philips nod approvingly. -
PETERS
This might just work.
DOROTHY
Of course it will. Never
underestimate a determined woman.
PHILIPS
I don't know. A woman dressed as a
soldier, might be slightly obvious.
DOROTHY
Oh, is that so?

INT. PARIS HOTEL. RECEPTION - NIGHT
Dorothy strides into the reception. Mr & Mrs Bailly stop
their bickering to greet her.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
(In French;subtitled)
Good evening.
MR & MRS BAILLY
(In French;subtitled)
Good evening.

INT. PARIS HOTEL. BEDROOM - NIGHT
On entering the bedroom Dorothy notices her wardrobe has been
opened - her khaki uniform, now in plain view.
Placed in a wine glass on her table is a scrap of brown paper
with an address poorly scribed on it.

INT. PARIS HOTEL. RECEPTION - MOMENTS LATER
Mr & Mrs Bailly bicker in French.
DOROTHY
(Abrupt)
Someone has been in my room. This
is what I found.
62.

She throws the paper towards Mr Bailly who stares blankly at
it.
MR BAILLY
I cannot read this address.
A smile creeps over his face.
MR BAILLY (CONT'D)
That's a lesson for you never to
leave your door unlocked when you
stay in a hotel. I am the culprit.

DOROTHY
I swear I was just saving it for a
friend. Please, I begging you.
MR BAILLY
No need to beg. What you get up to
is your business.

MRS BAILLY
Your secret is safe with us dear.


EXT. RUE DE RIVOLI - NIGHT

The boulevard is bustling. Peters and Philips wait at the
exchange point, flirting badly with passing girls.

Dorothy slips through the crowd - in full soldier attire. Her
is pulled down. A cigarette hangs from her mouth. She calmly
eases next to them and puts on a mainly voice.

DOROTHY
You boys have a light?

Without hesitation, Peters lights the cigarette. They suspect
nothing.

A long pause.
Peters looks at Philips, then at Dorothy.

PETERS
(To Dorothy)
So, you heading out to the front?

Dorothy looks up.

DOROTHY
Well, that's the plan.

It takes them a moment to register.

PHILIPS
Dorothy!
63.

DOROTHY
Keep it down you fool. So, what do
you think?
PETERS
It's uncanny.
DOROTHY
Excellent. You can't see my hair
can you?
PHILIPS
No. You've done a great job.
DOROTHY
Well then. Lets have a drink.

EXT. PARISIAN CAFÉ - NIGHT
The tables are packed out. A party atmosphere. Dorothy,
Philips and Peters sit suspicious of every passing soldier.
PETERS
I'm cacking my pants.
PHILIPS
This isn't a good idea.
DOROTHY
You boys need to settle. Relax.
PETERS
Relax she says.
DOROTHY
He!
PETERS
Oh crap.
Peters gulps his wine.
DOROTHY
No one will recognise me. We just
need to stay calm.
Maxwell and Zuri appear through the crowd.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
Oh joy. Officer Maxwell.

PETERS
What?!

Peters and Philips swing round in panic mode.
64.

DOROTHY
Just stay calm.
Maxwell is merry.
OFFICER MAXWELL
Peters! Philips! We meet again.
He stumbles, nearly wiping out the table.
OFFICER MAXWELL (CONT'D)
Whoops. Silly me. Had a few too
many I think. Why not, that's what
I say.

Dorothy drops her head to avoid eye contact but Zuri takes an
interest.

PETERS
Take it easy, sir. Maybe your bed
is calling?

OFFICER MAXWELL
Nonsense. The night is young. In
two days, I will be in the
trenches. I'm celebrating.

PHILIPS
Let me buy you a drink, sir.

Philips tries to manoeuvre him inside.

OFFICER MAXWELL
Just bring it out.

He flops into Philips' chair trying to focus on Dorothy.

OFFICER MAXWELL (CONT'D)
I don't know you. Who are you?

PETERS
Denis Smith, sir. New arrival.

OFFICER MAXWELL
Smith. Where are you from Smith?

PETERS
London, sir.

OFFICER MAXWELL
I'm sure Smith has a voice Peters.

DOROTHY
London, sir.

Zuri edges nearer, trying to get a closer look.
65.

OFFICER MAXWELL
Zuri. Please, take me seat. How
rude of me.
Zuri, impressed by Maxwell's offer.
OFFICER MAXWELL (CONT'D)
What happened to that vile woman
you were with?

PETERS
She's gone, sir.

OFFICER MAXWELL
Terrible woman. Such an attitude. I
would have knocked her block off if
she were a man.

PETERS
I'm sure you would, sir.

Zuri's eyes meet Dorothy's and the penny drops. Dorothy
silently pleads.

ZURI
Let's go darling. I want to dance.

OFFICER MAXWELL
We've only just got here.

ZURI
But I want to dance.

OFFICER MAXWELL
We can dance here.

Zuri's ice cold glare slaps him round the face.

OFFICER MAXWELL (CONT'D)
Alright, I suppose so.
He smacks Peters on the back.

OFFICER MAXWELL (CONT'D)
Have a good evening Peters.

Now his attention turns to Dorothy. He rounds the table and
sits up close to her. Through his drunken gaze, he tries to
focus.

OFFICER MAXWELL (CONT'D)
You look familiar Smith.

He stares and neither say a word until Philips returns with a
tray of drunks. As Maxwell looks closer, Zuri intentionally
tips the tray over her dress.
66.

ZURI
No! My dress!
Maxwell jumps to her aide.
OFFICER MAXWELL
Philips you bloody foul.
PHILIPS
But I didn't...
Peters stern expression sets him right. Philips changes his
tune.
PHILIPS (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
Sorry Zuri. It was an accident.
OFFICER MAXWELL
Clumsy idiot. That dress is ruined.

PHILIPS
Sorry. I'll buy her another one?

OFFICER MAXWELL
That you will.

ZURI
It's fine. I have plenty more. This
was old anyway.

Zuri takes Maxwell's hands.

ZURI (CONT'D)
I still want to dance.

OFFICER MAXWELL
Dressed like that?

ZURI
But of course. Who cares what
people think anyway.
Zuri gives Dorothy one last warm smile, before whisking
Maxwell away.

OFFICER MAXWELL
Au revoir chaps!

They leave,

PHILIPS
(Annoyed)
I can't afford a new dress, she did
it to herself!

PETERS
I think we should call it a night.
67.

DOROTHY
It seems our friend Maxwell has
learned something after all. Small
steps boys.
PETERS
Luckily he'd had a few.
DOROTHY
I make my own luck Peters. So, our
last night together.
PHILIPS
Last night?
DOROTHY
It's time. I'm ready. I can't thank
you boys enough.
PETERS
It's you we need to thank. You
should be proud. I'm proud of ya.
They toast their success.
Genres: ["War","Drama","Historical"]

Summary Dorothy, disguised as a soldier, meets Peters and Philips at a Parisian cafe to discuss their plan. Officer Maxwell arrives, but is distracted by Zuri. The men exchange disguises with Dorothy, and toast their success before her departure.
Strengths
  • Character development
  • Tension building
  • Emotional depth
  • Plot progression
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly forced or cliched

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension, showcases character development, and advances the plot with a mix of emotional and intense moments.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Dorothy going undercover as a soldier in a war setting is unique and engaging, adding depth to the character and the overall story.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as Dorothy takes a significant risk by disguising herself, leading to confrontations and character interactions that drive the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh take on espionage and disguise tropes, with authentic character interactions and unexpected twists.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Dorothy, Peters, Philips, and Officer Maxwell, are well-developed and their interactions add depth to the scene, showcasing their personalities and motivations.

Character Changes: 7

Dorothy undergoes a significant change by taking on a new identity as a soldier, showcasing her determination and courage in the face of danger.

Internal Goal: 8

Dorothy's internal goal is to successfully navigate the challenges of her disguise and mission while maintaining her composure and control over the situation.

External Goal: 7.5

Dorothy's external goal is to gather information and complete her mission without raising suspicion or encountering obstacles.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily driven by Dorothy's risky decision to go undercover and the interactions with Officer Maxwell.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicts arising from both external obstacles and internal tensions, adding depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high as Dorothy risks her safety and reputation by going undercover, facing potential exposure and danger in a war-torn setting.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing a new plot development, advancing Dorothy's mission, and setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable due to unexpected character actions and twists, adding tension and intrigue.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between maintaining appearances and achieving one's goals, as Dorothy must balance her disguise with her mission objectives.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from tension and anxiety to pride and camaraderie, making it emotionally engaging for the audience.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys tension, humor, and character dynamics, enhancing the scene's emotional impact and moving the story forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the mix of suspense, humor, and character dynamics, keeping the audience invested in Dorothy's mission.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and tension, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8.5

The formatting is clear and concise, with proper scene transitions and dialogue formatting, adhering to genre conventions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with distinct locations and character interactions, fitting the expected format for a spy thriller genre.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension considering the risky situation Dorothy is in, dressed as a soldier in a public place.
  • The dialogue between the characters feels somewhat forced and lacks depth, especially in the interactions between Dorothy, Peters, Philips, and Officer Maxwell.
  • The transition between different locations and interactions feels abrupt and disjointed, making it challenging for the audience to follow the flow of the scene.
  • The character motivations and emotions could be more clearly conveyed through actions and dialogue to create a more engaging and immersive experience for the audience.
  • There is a missed opportunity to explore the internal conflict and emotional turmoil Dorothy may be experiencing as she navigates the challenges of her disguise and interactions with others.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more suspense and tension to the scene by emphasizing the risks Dorothy is taking by being dressed as a soldier in a public place.
  • Work on developing more natural and authentic dialogue that reveals the characters' personalities, motivations, and emotions more effectively.
  • Smooth out the transitions between different locations and interactions to create a more cohesive and fluid narrative flow.
  • Focus on showing rather than telling the character's emotions and internal conflicts through their actions, expressions, and interactions with others.
  • Explore deeper into Dorothy's mindset and emotional state as she navigates the challenges of her disguise and interactions with Officer Maxwell and others.



Scene 23 -  Dorothy's Disguise
EXT. PARIS HOTEL. RECEPTION OFFICE - DAY
Mr Bailly pulls down the office blinds. Large scissors snap
together in his hand.
Dorothy caresses her long hair, one last time.
MR BAILLY
(In French;subtitled)
You sure you want to do this?
DOROTHY
Well, I can't possible become a
soldier with hair like mine can I
now?
MR BAILLY
There is no turning back from here.
Once cut, you have to carry on.
Agreed?
DOROTHY
Agreed.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
Cut away.


EXT. PARIS HOTEL. OFFICE - LATER

Locks of long hair cover the floor. In the mirror, Dorothy
runs her hands through fine bristly, short, back and sides.
68.

MR BAILLY
So what do you think?
A delighted smile.

INT. PARIS HOTEL. BATHROOM - DAY
Dorothy lathers her face with a can of undiluted Condys fluid
bathes once dries the colour of wet soil.

EXT. PARIS HOTEL - DAY
Mr & Mrs Bailly tie the package to the back of the bicycle.
Out walks Dorothy in civilian clothing but with a deep brown
face.
Through laughter...
MR BAILLY
...What has happened to your face?
DOROTHY
I wanted to give myself a bronzed
manly look, but I didn't dilute the
fluid.
Mr & Mrs Bailly chuckle.
MR BAILLY
It will fade my child. It will
fade.
DOROTHY
Thank you both for your help. For
keeping my secret that is.
Mr & Mrs Bailly comfort each other as they watch her leave.
MR BAILLY
(In French;subtitled)
It was our pleasure Miss Lawrence.
Safe journey. Good luck.
Genres: ["War","Drama","Historical"]

Summary Dorothy cuts her hair short and disguises herself as a man by applying Condy's fluid to her face. Mr and Mrs Bailly assist her and bid her farewell as she embarks on her journey.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Tension and conflict
Weaknesses
  • Some predictable plot elements
  • Slight pacing issues in certain moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively captures the emotional depth and complexity of the characters, while moving the plot forward and setting up high stakes for the protagonist.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of Dorothy disguising herself as a soldier to report on the war is innovative and engaging. It adds layers of tension and conflict to the narrative.

Plot: 9

The plot is well-developed, with a clear progression of events that build tension and emotional impact. The scene moves the story forward significantly.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh take on the theme of transformation and disguise, with unique character interactions and unexpected twists that keep the audience engaged. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-rounded and dynamic, with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions drive the emotional core of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Dorothy undergoes a significant transformation in this scene, from a journalist to a soldier, which marks a pivotal moment in her character arc. Other characters also experience emotional growth and change.

Internal Goal: 8

Dorothy's internal goal is to transform herself into a soldier by cutting her hair and changing her appearance. This reflects her deeper desire for independence and bravery in the face of danger.

External Goal: 7

Dorothy's external goal is to disguise herself as a man and escape safely from the hotel. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing of evading detection and danger.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

There is a high level of conflict in the scene, both internal and external, which drives the character interactions and plot development.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and suspense, keeping the audience on edge about Dorothy's fate and the challenges she must overcome.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with Dorothy risking her safety and identity to pursue her goals. The emotional and physical risks add tension and urgency to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing new challenges, deepening character relationships, and setting up future conflicts. It advances the narrative in a meaningful way.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in Dorothy's transformation and the emotional revelations that challenge the characters' beliefs and actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between conformity and rebellion. Dorothy must conform to societal expectations of appearance to achieve her external goal, but she rebels against these norms to assert her independence and bravery.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions from the audience, particularly sadness, tension, and hope. The character dynamics and sacrifices enhance the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals the characters' emotions and relationships effectively. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the character dynamics.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, suspenseful atmosphere, and character dynamics that keep the audience invested in Dorothy's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension and suspense gradually, leading to a satisfying resolution that propels the story forward.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for its genre with proper scene headings and descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions and pacing that build tension and suspense effectively.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from Dorothy deciding to cut her hair to actually doing it, which can make the pacing feel abrupt.
  • The dialogue between Mr. Bailly and Dorothy could be more impactful by delving deeper into Dorothy's emotions and motivations for this drastic change.
  • The visual description of Dorothy's transformation could be more vivid and detailed to enhance the reader's immersion in the scene.
  • The interaction between Dorothy and Mr. Bailly could be more emotionally charged to emphasize the significance of this moment in Dorothy's journey.
  • The humor in Dorothy's attempt to darken her face could be further developed to add a touch of levity to the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue from Dorothy as she prepares to cut her hair, reflecting on her fears, hopes, and determination.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Dorothy and Mr. Bailly to reveal more about Dorothy's character and the weight of her decision.
  • Provide more sensory details in the description of Dorothy's transformation to create a more vivid and engaging visual experience for the reader.
  • Explore the emotional depth of Dorothy's farewell with Mr. and Mrs. Bailly to highlight the bond between them and the significance of their support.
  • Further develop the humor in Dorothy's attempt to darken her face to add a touch of light-heartedness amidst the seriousness of the scene.



Scene 24 -  Journey to the Frontline
INT. ST. LAZARE STATION - DAY
A mecca for COMMUTERS.
Dorothy pushes her overloaded bicycle through the station.
Her brown face prompting the occasional stare.
DOROTHY
(In French;subtitled)
Hello.
69.

EXT. THE TOWN OF AMIENS - DAY
Amiens is a wealthy place. No inkling of war.
The beautiful cathedral of Amiens casts a huge shadow over
Dorothy. Like a tourist, she takes in the stunning town.
SUPER: THE TOWN OF AMIENS - 18.6 MILES FROM THE FRONT LINE
Swift motors pass heavy lorries. Red Cross cars zip around.
Restaurants reverberate with laughter from French and English
Officers, eating together, over the sound of automatic
pianos.

EXT. AMIENS. COUNTRY ROAD - LATER
Amiens, in the distance. Vast countryside stretches ahead.
Dorothy skids to a stop.
A FEMALE REFUGEE, traipsing wearily along the road, heading
for Amiens. She's filthy with a few belongings and lost to
the world.
Back down the long road, more REFUGEES - casualties of war.
Dorothy's hand's tremor as a darkness sweeps over her.
A YOUNG REFUGEE covered in bandages and ruined up clothing is
stopped by Dorothy.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
(In French; subtitled)
What happened to you?
His blank expression says everything.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
(In French;subtitled)
You poor thing. Did you come from
Bethune?
YOUNG REFUGEE
(In French;Subtitled)
Yes. This road leads you there.
Straight into hell.

With eyes full of dread, he ambles on.

Dorothy is caught in two minds. The tremor in her hands,
ignored.


EXT. COUNTRYSIDE. ROAD - DAY

Deserted countryside. A long lonely road. The ominous
rumbling of cannon fire grows deeper. More dangerous.

THE CORN FIELDS
70.

cover the land. Disused shallow and narrow trenches,
abandoned long since; break up the landscape.
Unmarked graves grow plentiful.
The sound of the Mitrailleuse gun, tapping across the sky.
Heavy booming interjected by loud maxim fire.
THROUGH THE CORN FIELDS
a galloping horseman, tramples through the corn. His shadow
casts an imposing figure.
OFFICER CARTWRIGHT with his perfectly groomed hair and
pristine uniform lays a suspicious gaze over her.
DOROTHY
Hello.
OFFICER CARTWRIGHT
Where are you going?
DOROTHY
Bethune.
OFFICER CARTWRIGHT
You won't get there on this road.
Why, you are miles away. If you go
straight on, the only place you'll
end up is in the trenches. This
road leads to Albert.
She halts.
DOROTHY
The trenches?
She's come too far to turn back.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
Well, we wouldn't want that would
we? Night will set in before I get
to Bethune. Maybe I should go on?

OFFICER CARTWRIGHT
Good idea. Miss?

DOROTHY
Lawrence. Dorothy.

OFFICER CARTWRIGHT
Cartwright.

COUNTRYSIDE ROAD - LATER

The sun sets behind the plumes of distant black smoke.
71.

OFFICER CARTWRIGHT (CONT'D)
Tell me, what is an English woman
doing all the way out here? Or is
it a secret?

DOROTHY
I have friend in Bethune, who I
would like to visit, whilst I still
can.

More suspicion.

OFFICER CARTWRIGHT
Bethune is no place for anyone at
this moment in history.
DOROTHY
I will still try. The danger of
Bethune being the front line does
worry me some.

OFFICER CARTWRIGHT
What do you mean?

DOROTHY
Bethune being at the front.

OFFICER CARTWRIGHT
But, you are at the front.

She doesn't understand.

OFFICER CARTWRIGHT (CONT'D)
The front embraces vast stretches
of this country, often miles away
from the cannon-mouth, and without
scenes of excitement.

DOROTHY
I'm so confused. Where are we?
OFFICER CARTWRIGHT
The front of the front of course.
Albert is three miles that way.

Heavy gunfire shatters the landscape. Albert creeps into
view. With that, Officer Cartwright gallops off through the
fields.

OFFICER CARTWRIGHT (CONT'D)
Good luck, Missy!
Genres: ["War","Drama"]

Summary Amidst the horrors of war, Dorothy presses on, guided by compassion and determination. She encounters Officer Cartwright, a stern authority figure, but she remains steadfast in her pursuit of reaching her friend in the frontline.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Creating a sense of dread and suspense
  • Establishing high stakes for the character
  • Setting up future conflicts and challenges
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Character changes could be more pronounced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively builds tension and sets up the stakes for Dorothy's journey towards the front line. The ominous tone and suspenseful atmosphere keep the audience engaged, while the introduction of Officer Cartwright adds an element of mystery and danger. The scene effectively conveys the harsh realities of war and the challenges Dorothy will face.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of Dorothy embarking on a perilous journey towards the front line of the war is compelling and sets up a high-stakes situation for the character. The scene effectively introduces the theme of sacrifice and bravery in the face of danger, laying the groundwork for Dorothy's character development.

Plot: 7

The plot of Dorothy's journey towards the front line is engaging and sets up the conflict and challenges she will face. The introduction of Officer Cartwright adds a layer of intrigue and foreshadows the dangers ahead for Dorothy. The scene effectively moves the story forward and sets up future events.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the wartime setting, focusing on the personal journey of the protagonist amidst the larger conflict. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 7

Dorothy's determination and bravery are highlighted in this scene as she embarks on a dangerous journey towards the front line. Officer Cartwright's suspicious demeanor adds tension and conflict to the scene, setting up a dynamic between the characters. The scene effectively establishes the characters' motivations and challenges.

Character Changes: 6

Dorothy undergoes a subtle change in this scene as she confronts the dangers of her journey towards the front line. Her determination and bravery are tested, setting the stage for her character development. The introduction of Officer Cartwright hints at future challenges and changes for Dorothy.

Internal Goal: 8

Dorothy's internal goal is to navigate through the dangerous war-torn landscape to reach her friend in Bethune. This reflects her deeper desire for connection and loyalty, as well as her fear of the dangers she may encounter.

External Goal: 7.5

Dorothy's external goal is to reach Bethune despite the obstacles and dangers she faces on the way. This reflects the immediate challenge of navigating through the war zone and reaching her destination safely.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Dorothy grapples with the decision to continue towards the front line despite the dangers. The interaction with Officer Cartwright adds an external conflict, as his suspicious demeanor creates tension and uncertainty for Dorothy. The escalating danger and ominous atmosphere contribute to the high conflict level.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting advice from the officer, the dangers of the war zone, and Dorothy's own determination creating obstacles that keep the audience uncertain of the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes in the scene are evident as Dorothy embarks on a dangerous journey towards the front line of the war. The escalating danger, ominous atmosphere, and interaction with Officer Cartwright raise the stakes for Dorothy, highlighting the risks and challenges she will face. The scene effectively conveys the life-threatening nature of Dorothy's mission.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by setting up Dorothy's perilous journey towards the front line. The introduction of Officer Cartwright adds intrigue and foreshadows future conflicts and challenges for Dorothy. The scene establishes the stakes and sets the stage for the next phase of the story.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in Dorothy's journey, the conflicting advice from the officer, and the looming danger of the war zone.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Dorothy's determination to reach Bethune and the officer's warning about the dangers of the front line. This challenges Dorothy's beliefs about the importance of her mission and the risks involved.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions, including suspense, dread, compassion, and hopelessness. Dorothy's determination and the harsh realities of war create an emotional impact on the audience, while the interaction with Officer Cartwright adds tension and uncertainty. The emotional depth of the scene sets up a compelling journey for Dorothy.

Dialogue: 6

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys the tension and suspense of Dorothy's journey towards the front line. The interaction between Dorothy and Officer Cartwright adds depth to their characters and hints at the dangers ahead. The dialogue moves the plot forward and sets up future conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its vivid descriptions, tense atmosphere, and compelling character interactions. The escalating danger and conflicts keep the audience invested in Dorothy's journey.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with well-paced dialogue, action, and descriptions that keep the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, with clear transitions between locations, character interactions, and escalating tension.


Critique
  • The scene transitions from the bustling St. Lazare station to the wealthy town of Amiens smoothly, but the contrast between the peaceful setting and the impending war could be emphasized more.
  • The interaction with the female refugee adds depth to Dorothy's character, showcasing her compassion amidst the chaos of war. However, the impact of this encounter could be heightened by delving deeper into the refugee's story and its effect on Dorothy.
  • Officer Cartwright's warning about Bethune being the front line is a pivotal moment, but the tension and gravity of the situation could be intensified through more dramatic dialogue and visual cues.
  • Dorothy's confusion about the front line and her realization that she is already at the front could be portrayed with more emotional depth and clarity to emphasize the danger she is willingly walking into.
  • The scene effectively sets up the impending danger and Dorothy's determination, but there is room to enhance the sense of foreboding and urgency as she continues her journey towards Bethune.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual cues to contrast the peaceful town of Amiens with the impending war, highlighting the stark reality Dorothy is about to face.
  • Expand on the interaction with the female refugee to deepen Dorothy's emotional journey and showcase the impact of war on civilians.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Dorothy and Officer Cartwright to increase the tension and emphasize the danger of Bethune being the front line.
  • Focus on Dorothy's internal conflict and emotional turmoil as she grapples with the realization of being at the front line, adding layers to her character development.
  • Intensify the sense of urgency and impending danger as Dorothy moves closer to Bethune, building suspense and setting the stage for the next phase of her journey.



Scene 25 -  Encounter at the Checkpoint
EXT. ALBERT. COUNTRYSIDE ROAD - LATER

Dorothy approaches a check point hut tucked into the woods.
72.

SCOTCH SENTRY (O.S)
Halt!
From the side of the hut, two stalwart SCOTCH SENTRY'S, in
only their kilts, appear. Both battle hardened.
One of the sentry's plonks his head in a bucket of water to
wash his face.
The other sentry, GINGE, a young, six foot, red head,
approaches. Bare chested. Pipe sticking out of his mouth.
Ginge has a thick Glaswegian accent
GINGE
Now what do we have here? Your
papers.
Dorothy hands them over.
GINGE (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
You can't be here. You must come
before our officers.

DOROTHY
Well, I can't go like this.

Points to her filthy face.

SCOTCH SENTRY
You can wash your face, if you
like?

DOROTHY
Sorry?

SCOTCH SENTRY
Wash ya face, in the bucket, if you
like?

DOROTHY
Oh, wash my face...the accent,
thick.

GINGE
Aye, we get it all the time!

DOROTHY
Excuse me?

GINGE
Never mind, just wash ya face.

The coldness of the water shocks her back into life. Like a
true soldier, she double dunks. Ginge, still shirtless, jumps
on a bicycle.
73.

GINGE (CONT'D)
Follow me, lassy. I'm Ginge by the
way.


INT. THE TOWN OF ALBERT. MAIN STREET - DAY

Deep shell-holes scoop up the earth - several feet deep all
along the main street. Every shop is shuttered, or
demolished. Loud booms, ever closer.

SUPER: THE TOWN OF ALBERT - SEPTEMBER 1915 - 700 YARDS FROM
THE TRENCHES

KHAKI FIGURES, some carrying tools, some unloading heavy
wagons piled high with munitions.
DOROTHY
Who are these men?

GINGE
Oh, they're engineers, probably
building up some damaged trenches.
The ready-to-go-anywhere men. Mine
layers.

DOROTHY
Then how far from here do the
trenches run?

GINGE
It depends where you stand. Over
yonder, do you see those cottage
ruins?

In the far distance, a row of bomb blasted ruined cottages.
Dorothy notes their devastation.

GINGE (CONT'D)
Front-line trenches run just a few
yards beyond them.

EXT. ALBERT TOWN CENTER - LATER

The deserted town, suddenly transformed from dismal neglect,
to a scene of abject ruin.

The Basilica Cathedral with its perpendicular Virgin Mary.
Her face hangs downward from the shelled roof.

GINGE (CONT'D)
The Germans love taking shots at
the virgin. The town's folk said
that when the Virgin falls, the war
will end.
74.

The bent, fragile Virgin, ready to crash downwards at any
moment.
GINGE (CONT'D)
Each night the German guns make
that once beautiful statue their
target for the molten lead of enemy
hate.

DOROTHY
Enemy hate?

GINGE
Nightly bombardments of the town.
This way.
IN THE RUINS

ENGLISH TROOPS play football. Laughter, destruction and joy.

GINGE (CONT'D)
You English boys are shite!

ENGLISH SOLDIER
Piss off Ginge! Whose yer bird?

GINGE
Mind yer own!

Ginge laughs it off.
Genres: ["War","Drama"]

Summary Dorothy encounters Scottish sentries and is taken to Albert, a town ravaged by war. Guided by Ginge, she witnesses the destruction and learns about the proximity of the trenches, bringing the harsh reality of the conflict to her doorstep.
Strengths
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Effective setting description
  • Resilient characters
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of character depth for secondary characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively sets the tone for the harsh realities of war, introduces new characters, and advances the plot significantly. The emotional impact is strong, and the dialogue is engaging.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of encountering the frontline of war and the devastation it causes is well executed. The scene effectively conveys the dangers and challenges faced by the characters.

Plot: 9

The plot advances as Dorothy gets closer to the frontline and faces new obstacles. The scene sets up future conflicts and developments effectively.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces unique characters and situations, such as the Scotch sentries in kilts and the interactions between Dorothy and Ginge, which add freshness to the familiar wartime setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, particularly Dorothy and Ginge, are well-developed and show resilience in the face of adversity. Their interactions add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

Dorothy shows determination and resilience as she gets closer to the frontline. Her character undergoes subtle changes as she faces new challenges.

Internal Goal: 8

Dorothy's internal goal in this scene is to navigate through the challenges and obstacles presented by the war-torn environment while maintaining her composure and resilience.

External Goal: 9

Dorothy's external goal is to reach a safe location and gather information about the war-torn town of Albert.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily in Dorothy's encounter with the Scotch sentries and the description of the frontline devastation.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Dorothy facing challenges from the Scotch sentries, the war-torn environment, and the looming threat of war. The audience is kept on edge as they wonder how Dorothy will navigate these obstacles.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Dorothy gets closer to the frontline of war and faces potential danger. The scene conveys the risks and challenges involved.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward significantly as Dorothy approaches the frontline and encounters new obstacles. It sets up future developments effectively.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected humor in the dialogue, the shifting dynamics between characters, and the sudden shifts in tone from light-hearted banter to serious discussions about war.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the destruction caused by war and the resilience of the human spirit in the face of adversity. It challenges Dorothy's beliefs about the impact of war on individuals and communities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of sadness, determination, and shock. The characters' resilience and the harsh realities of war contribute to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the setting and characters. It effectively conveys the emotions and tensions of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the dynamic interactions between characters, the vivid descriptions of the war-torn environment, and the sense of tension and suspense created by the setting.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension and action with moments of reflection and character development. The rhythm of the dialogue and descriptions keeps the reader engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a wartime drama, with a clear introduction of the setting, characters, and conflicts. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from Dorothy encountering the Scottish sentries to the town of Albert. It feels disjointed and could benefit from a smoother transition.
  • The dialogue between Dorothy and the Scottish sentries, especially Ginge, feels a bit forced and cliched. The accents and interactions could be more nuanced and authentic.
  • The visual descriptions of the town of Albert and the ruined cathedral are vivid and impactful, but the transition between the different locations could be smoother to enhance the overall flow of the scene.
  • The interaction between Ginge and the English soldiers playing football adds a touch of humor, but it feels slightly out of place given the serious tone of the rest of the scene. Finding a better balance between the serious and light-hearted moments could improve the scene.
  • The scene effectively conveys the devastation and chaos of the war-torn town of Albert, but could benefit from more emotional depth and character development to further engage the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief transition or establishing shot to smoothly connect Dorothy's encounter with the Scottish sentries to her arrival in the town of Albert.
  • Refine the dialogue between Dorothy and the Scottish sentries to make it more authentic and less stereotypical.
  • Work on creating a seamless flow between the different locations and visual descriptions to enhance the overall coherence of the scene.
  • Ensure that the tone remains consistent throughout the scene by balancing the serious and light-hearted moments effectively.
  • Explore opportunities to deepen the emotional impact of the scene by delving into the characters' internal struggles and motivations.



Scene 26 -  A Night in Albert
INT. OFFICERS ROOM - DAY

Probably the nicest room in Albert. Large table. Comfortable
chairs.

Three OFFICERS, read maps on the table. OFFICER MORTON, of
the Black Watch Regiment, puffs on his pipe. Flicking his
cane like a stern head master. He doesn't have time for
interruptions.
Dorothy hands him her Sauf-conduit. He scans it.

DOROTHY
As you will see-

OFFICER MORTON
-This is not Bethune.

DOROTHY
No. On my arrival, I discovered my
mistake. At Amiens, I was told to
keep straight on. To the best of my
knowledge, I did so and I arrived
here!
75.

OFFICER MORTON
You can't stay here, Miss.
DOROTHY
Of course...officer?
OFFICER MORTON
Morton.
DOROTHY
Of course Officer Morton. I
understand that.
Morton notices how fatigued she is and takes sympathy.
OFFICER MORTON
With the approach of the evening,
you are permitted to spend the
night, but you will start out to
Bethune at first light.
DOROTHY
Yes. Thank you.
OFFICER MORTON
(To Ginge)
Arrange a place for her to sleep,
preferably away from the men.
GINGE
Yes Sir.

INT. TAVERN. ROOM - DAY
Accommodation is found - a room over a tavern with it's
windows barricaded up and wooden boards replacing the gaping
holes from shell blasts.
Dorothy settles on the shabby couch and sleeps.

INT. TAVERN. ROOM - DAY
Sunshine creeps in through the gaps in the walls. Dorothy
wakes and takes a moment to enjoy the couch.

EXT. TAVERN. MAIN STREET - LATER
The street is deserted. No Soldiers. The growl from her
stomach could be mistaken for distant bomb blasts.

EXT. OUTSKIRTS OF ALBERT - LATER
The last house before the open countryside. A nervous YOUNG
SENTRY appears.
76.

YOUNG SENTRY
Where are you going? You can't be
here. Billy! Billy get out here!
DOROTHY
No need to shout. I'm simply
exploring to find some breakfast.
Dorothy hands the young sentry her papers.
SENTRY
Your sauf-conduit only applies to
Albert, you can't go beyond this
barrier Miss. Billy!
BILLY, the very large sentry appears from the house. A
veteran.
BILLY
You'd better report to our
officers, I think.

EXT. OFFICERS QUARTERS - DAY
Billy knocks on the door and enters. Stood partially dressed
is Morton. He isn't fazed by his appearance.
BILLY
Caught her snooping around, sir.
Dorothy looks everywhere apart from Morton in his under
pants.
DOROTHY
I wasn't snooping at all!
BILLY
She was snooping, sir.
DOROTHY
No, I wasn't you great big oath!
OFFICER MORTON
It's far too early for name
calling.
DOROTHY
I was only looking for breakfast.
OFFICER MORTON
Take Miss Lawrence to my table. I
won't be a moment.

EXT. BREAKFAST HOUSE - DAY
The breakfast house. A few yards from the trenches.
77.

Porridge, bacon and eggs, Dundee marmalade with bread and
butter fill the table.
Rival guns thundered at each other in the very near distance.
Dorothy flinches with every blast. Morton, totally adapted.
Doesn't bat an eye lid.
OFFICER MORTON (CONT'D)
Well your appearance in Albert has
certainly perked up the men. You're
the talk of the town. Why were you
trying to leave?
DOROTHY
Well, quite frankly, I was looking
for some occupied house where I
could buy my breakfast.
OFFICER MORTON
Oh I see! Well, luckily you were
caught just in time.
A huge explosion close by. Dorothy ducks but Morton sips his
coffee - unfazed.
OFFICER MORTON (CONT'D) (CONT'D)
How I do envy those people back
home. Twenty-seven weeks in those
trenches. Don't your people object
to you going about like this?

DOROTHY
They don't know.

OFFICER MORTON
But what are you doing out here?

DOROTHY
Searching for newspaper copy.

OFFICER MORTON
Oh I see. There's nothing for you
here Miss Lawrence. Go home.

DOROTHY
I can't leave without my story.

OFFICER MORTON.
I can't protect you from these men.
They're been deprived for quite a
while now. I wouldn't want any harm
to come to you.

Her mind turns to Edgar.

DOROTHY
I'd like to see them try.
78.

OFFICER MORTON
They will try. They will succeed.
Even the mildest of men get caught
up in the savagery of war. Do you
understand what I'm saying here?
Back to Edgar and his wicked ruthless smile.
DOROTHY
Yes.
OFFICER MORTON
Good. Now finish up.
Genres: ["War","Drama"]

Summary Dorothy is taken to Officer Morton, who warns her of the dangers of staying in Albert. Despite his warnings, Dorothy remains defiant and decides to explore. She is caught by a sentry and taken back to Morton, who tells her that she is not safe and that men can be savage in war. However, Dorothy insists on staying, and Morton allows her to stay the night but orders her to leave for Bethune at first light.
Strengths
  • Effective dialogue
  • Tension and conflict
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the seriousness and tension of the war setting, as well as the emotional turmoil of the characters. The dialogue is impactful and reveals important character dynamics.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a civilian journalist navigating the frontlines of war is compelling and adds depth to the story. The scene effectively explores the challenges and dangers faced by the protagonist.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as the protagonist faces obstacles and interacts with key characters. The tension and conflict in the scene drive the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on the challenges faced by a female journalist in a war zone, with authentic character interactions and dialogue that feel true to the setting and time period.


Character Development

Characters: 7

The characters are well-developed, with Officer Morton displaying authority and concern for Dorothy's safety. Dorothy's determination and resilience are evident in her interactions.

Character Changes: 7

Dorothy's resolve and resilience are further highlighted in the scene, showcasing her growth and determination. Officer Morton's concern for her safety also adds depth to his character.

Internal Goal: 8

Dorothy's internal goal is to prove her independence and resilience in a male-dominated and war-torn environment. She wants to assert her capabilities and determination despite the challenges she faces.

External Goal: 7

Dorothy's external goal is to find a safe place to stay and continue her work as a journalist in a dangerous war zone.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Dorothy's determination to report on the war and Officer Morton's concern for her safety creates tension. The threat of danger adds to the conflict.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations between Dorothy and Officer Morton, creating a sense of conflict and uncertainty.

High Stakes: 8

The high stakes of Dorothy's risky mission and the dangers she faces in the war zone heighten the tension and suspense in the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and obstacles for the protagonist. It sets the stage for Dorothy's journey into the frontline of the war.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics between Dorothy and Officer Morton, keeping the audience guessing about the outcome of their interactions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between Dorothy's idealism and Officer Morton's realism. Dorothy believes in her ability to navigate the war zone safely, while Morton warns her of the dangers and brutality of war.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes emotions of concern, tension, and resilience. Dorothy's determination and Officer Morton's protective nature contribute to the emotional impact.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is impactful, revealing the characters' motivations and emotions. It effectively conveys the tension and conflict in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the conflict between the characters, the high stakes of the war setting, and the suspenseful atmosphere created by the threat of danger.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a balance of dialogue and action that keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, adhering to the standard screenplay format for its genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events, fitting the expected format for a wartime drama genre.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension, considering Dorothy's precarious situation as she tries to navigate through the war-torn area.
  • The dialogue between Dorothy and Officer Morton feels somewhat flat and lacks depth, especially given the gravity of the situation.
  • There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into Dorothy's internal conflict and emotions as she faces the challenges of being in a dangerous war zone.
  • The interaction between Dorothy and the sentries could be more dynamic and engaging to heighten the stakes of her predicament.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to create a vivid and immersive setting that reflects the harsh realities of war.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more tension and suspense to the scene by emphasizing Dorothy's vulnerability and the imminent danger she faces.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Dorothy and Officer Morton to reveal more about Dorothy's motivations, fears, and determination.
  • Explore Dorothy's internal struggles and emotional turmoil more deeply to make her character more compelling and relatable.
  • Revise the interaction between Dorothy and the sentries to make it more engaging and reflective of the high stakes involved.
  • Include more visual details to paint a vivid picture of the war-torn environment and enhance the overall atmosphere of the scene.



Scene 27 -  Stand Up for Yourself
EXT. THE TOWN OF ALBERT BORDER - LATER
Albert border. Morton hands over her papers.
OFFICER MORTON
You go along there and Bethune will
appear.
Dorothy's parcel bag flops down and she struggles to sort it.
Morton chuckles on his way back to breakfast.

EXT. ALBERT COUNTRY ROAD - MOMENTS LATER
A few hundred feet from Albert is open country fields and to
her left is vast woodland.
A group of SCOTTISH SOLDIERS relax in the grass.
SCOTCH SOLDIER (O.S)
Ya lost Missy?
DOROTHY
Excuse me?
The shirtless SCOTCH SOLDIER is a unit of a man. A poser.
SCOTCH SOLDIER
Would ya like some tea?
DOROTHY
Now, I understood tea.
Dorothy joins the group.
SCOTCH SOLDIER
I like your hat.
The soldiers sarcastically laugh.
DOROTHY
I know, it's not very flattering.
79.

SCOTCH SOLDIER
Looks flattering to me.
Vast groups of soldiers around the field enjoy the sun. Their
attention soon on Dorothy.
DOROTHY
Where's that tea you were speaking
of?
SCOTCH SOLDIER
Sorry, I lied.
His unwanted inspection, makes her tense up.
A small baby faced Lancashire soldier, SAPPER TOM DUNN, keeps
a careful watch.
Dorothy catches his eye. Dunn gives her secure nod.
SCOTCH SOLDIER (CONT'D)
You come to entertain us?

DOROTHY
Sorry, I don't understand?

SCOTCH SOLDIER
You a camp follower?

The group laugh. The towering scotch soldier stands, flexing
his huge frame.

DOROTHY
A what?

SCOTCH SOLDIER
Camp follower. Are you here to keep
us warm at night?

Dorothy abruptly stands.
DOROTHY
Certainly not with the likes of
you.

The scotch soldier grabs her by the waist, pulling her close.
His strength is spectacular.

SCOTCH SOLDIER
Now then lassy. You gonna show me a
good time?

Dorothy Panics. The mocking laughter adds to her torment.

Dorothy remembers the knife. From her inner pocket, she
flicks it against his neck.

Stunned silence.
80.

Dorothy regains control, taking a moment to think.
DOROTHY
Say sorry.
The scotch guard stands defiant. Dunn watches on, captivated.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
Say sorry.

The knife presses deeper. Now he feels it.

SCOTCH SOLDIER
(Quietly)
Sorry.
DOROTHY
So that everyone can hear.

SCOTCH SOLDIER
Sorry, alright!

Dorothy backs away, keeping her eyes firmly fixed on the
embarrassed soldier. She collects her bike. Dunn follows.
Genres: ["Drama","War","Historical"]

Summary Dorothy encounters harassment from Scottish soldiers at the Albert border. She stands up for herself by threatening one of the soldiers with a knife. The soldier apologizes, and Dorothy leaves the group. She is then followed by Dunn, another soldier who had witnessed the interaction.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled confrontation
  • Empowering character moment
  • Strong dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Stereotypical portrayal of the soldier

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly engaging, filled with tension, and showcases a significant character moment for Dorothy. The use of the flick knife adds a surprising twist, making it memorable and impactful.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a woman standing up to a disrespectful soldier in a war setting is unique and adds depth to Dorothy's character. The use of the flick knife as a symbol of empowerment is a strong concept.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene revolves around Dorothy's confrontation with the soldier, adding tension and showcasing her strength and determination. It moves the story forward by highlighting Dorothy's resilience.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the theme of female empowerment in a historical setting, with Dorothy's assertiveness and use of a weapon to defend herself against a threatening situation. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the authenticity of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Dorothy's character is well-developed in this scene, showing her defiance and strength in the face of adversity. The soldier's character adds conflict and tension to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Dorothy undergoes a significant change in this scene, from feeling intimidated to standing up for herself with strength and determination.

Internal Goal: 8

Dorothy's internal goal in this scene is to assert her independence and defend herself against the aggressive advances of the Scotch soldier. This reflects her deeper need for autonomy and self-respect, as well as her fear of being overpowered or taken advantage of.

External Goal: 7

Dorothy's external goal is to navigate through the town and interact with the soldiers without getting into trouble or being harmed. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in a potentially hostile environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between Dorothy and the soldier creates a high-stakes situation, adding intensity and drama to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Dorothy faces a threatening and demeaning situation with the Scotch soldier. The audience is unsure of how she will respond and whether she will be able to defend herself.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes in the scene involve Dorothy's safety and her ability to assert herself in a dangerous situation, adding tension and drama.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by showcasing Dorothy's resilience and determination, setting the stage for her journey ahead.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected turn of events, as Dorothy uses a knife to defend herself against the aggressive soldier. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of how the confrontation will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between Dorothy's sense of agency and the soldiers' objectification of her as a potential 'camp follower'. This challenges Dorothy's values of self-respect and equality, as she is forced to confront and resist the soldiers' demeaning behavior.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from fear to empowerment, making it emotionally impactful for the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is impactful, especially during the confrontation between Dorothy and the soldier. It effectively conveys the tension and power dynamics in the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its high stakes, tense interactions, and the protagonist's strong and defiant actions. The audience is drawn into the conflict and invested in Dorothy's struggle to assert herself.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension gradually, leading to a climactic moment of confrontation and resolution. The rhythm of the scene enhances the emotional impact of Dorothy's actions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character dialogue that enhance the visual and emotional impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with a clear progression of events and character interactions that build tension and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the setting transitions from the Albert border to the country road, which can be confusing for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Dorothy and the Scotch soldier feels forced and lacks depth, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
  • The interaction between Dorothy and the Scotch soldier escalates too quickly without sufficient build-up or tension, resulting in a lack of believability in the confrontation.
  • The resolution of the conflict with the Scotch soldier feels rushed and lacks emotional impact, diminishing the significance of Dorothy's actions.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the atmosphere and setting, providing a more immersive experience for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the setting transitions between the Albert border and the country road to avoid confusion for the audience.
  • Develop the dialogue between Dorothy and the Scotch soldier to add depth and authenticity to their interaction.
  • Build up the tension and conflict between Dorothy and the Scotch soldier gradually to create a more impactful confrontation.
  • Enhance the resolution of the conflict with the Scotch soldier by adding emotional depth and consequences to Dorothy's actions.
  • Include more visual descriptions to paint a vivid picture of the surroundings and enhance the atmosphere of the scene.



Scene 28 -  Joining the Ranks
EXT. ABANDONED CHECK POINT HUT - LATER

Dorothy parks her bike next to the abandoned hut.

Dunn, in surrender mode, cautiously approaches.

DUNN
Sapper Tom Dunn. Royal Engineers
Regiment. Lucky you had that knife.
They'd have torn yer to pieces.
Certainly put him in his place.
Good on yer.

DOROTHY
Yes well, a bit of steal across
ones neck works wonders.

DUNN
Yer I saw that. What's your name
Miss?

DOROTHY
Dorothy.

DUNN
A bit dangerous for a young gal to
be out here all alone.

DOROTHY
I'm looking for help.
81.

DUNN
Maybe I can help?
DOROTHY
Those awful men, friends of yours?
DUNN
No. Those Scottish lads wind me up.
Best to ignore them.
DOROTHY
Shall we walk? I would like to know
more about young Sapper Dunn.

EXT. SECLUDED COUNTRY ROAD - LATER
The secluded road, perfect for private conversations. They
clamber onto a grassy mound, hidden by trees.
DUNN
Will I be in your story then?
DOROTHY
Depends. If I can trust you.
DUNN
Well, my mother always said 'if
there's one thing our Tom is good
at, and that's not much, is that
he's honest'.
DOROTHY
I wouldn't want you to get in to
trouble.
DUNN
I'm already in trouble being here.
What's a little trouble between
friends?
DOROTHY
Friends are we?
DUNN
You need at least one to survive
out here.
DOROTHY
I hope you don't think that we
will, well you know, have
relations.
DUNN
I don't think my wife will be too
happy about that. Look, you need
help with something, maybe I can
assist.
82.

DOROTHY
It's a biggy.
DUNN
I'm all ears.
DOROTHY
...I want to go in the
trenches...as a soldier.
Stunned silence.
DUNN
But, why? It's hell.
DOROTHY
...Ever since I was a child, I have
been told what to do, what to
think, what to feel even. I'm here
to prove to myself that I don't
need anybodies permission,
especially a mans permission to do
what I want. I'm a strong woman, I
know that now and there's no
turning back. All I'm asking for is
some help. I know you don't know
me, I know you'll be risking a
great deal but-
Dunn doesn't need to think twice.
DUNN
-Alright.
DOROTHY
Alright, what?
DUNN
I'll help yer.
Genres: ["Drama","War"]

Summary Dorothy and Dunn meet secretly at an abandoned checkpoint hut. Dunn expresses gratitude for Dorothy saving him from the Scottish soldiers. Dorothy asks for his help in joining the trenches as a soldier. Dunn agrees to assist her.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Potential lack of background information on Dunn

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the protagonist's determination and the risky decision she makes, setting up a compelling narrative.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a woman disguising herself as a soldier during wartime is intriguing and adds depth to the character's development.

Plot: 8

The plot advances significantly as the protagonist reveals her plan and gains a crucial ally, setting the stage for future conflict and resolution.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on gender roles and societal expectations in a wartime setting, with authentic character actions and dialogue.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with Dorothy's determination and Dunn's willingness to help creating a strong dynamic.

Character Changes: 8

Dorothy undergoes a significant change by revealing her daring plan and finding support in Dunn.

Internal Goal: 9

Dorothy's internal goal is to prove her strength and independence by going into the trenches as a soldier, challenging societal norms and expectations.

External Goal: 8

Dorothy's external goal is to seek help from Dunn to achieve her goal of going into the trenches as a soldier.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict as Dorothy reveals her risky plan and faces skepticism from Dunn.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and uncertainty, particularly in Dunn's reaction to Dorothy's request.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Dorothy risks her safety and reputation by revealing her plan to infiltrate the war as a soldier.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by introducing a crucial plot development and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to Dorothy's unexpected request to go into the trenches as a soldier, challenging traditional gender roles.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict is evident in Dorothy's desire to challenge traditional gender roles and expectations, which contrasts with Dunn's initial surprise and concern for her safety.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The emotional impact is high as Dorothy expresses her determination and vulnerability, resonating with the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and reveals the motivations and personalities of the characters effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the tension between the characters, the high stakes of Dorothy's goal, and the emotional depth of their conversation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene builds tension effectively through the characters' dialogue and reveals key information at a steady pace.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows standard formatting for dialogue and action descriptions in a screenplay.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a traditional structure for character interaction and development in a dramatic setting.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from the previous scenes, making it feel slightly disconnected from the overall narrative flow.
  • The dialogue between Dorothy and Dunn feels a bit forced and unnatural at times, especially in the way they quickly establish trust and discuss sensitive topics.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth in the interaction between Dorothy and Dunn, considering the gravity of Dorothy's request to join the trenches as a soldier.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to enhance the setting and create a stronger sense of atmosphere.
  • The pacing of the scene feels a bit rushed, particularly in the way Dorothy reveals her intentions to Dunn without much build-up or emotional impact.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief internal monologue from Dorothy to provide insight into her thoughts and emotions before she reveals her desire to join the trenches as a soldier.
  • Work on developing the relationship between Dorothy and Dunn more gradually, allowing for a more natural progression of trust and understanding between the characters.
  • Introduce more sensory details to immerse the reader in the secluded country road setting and create a more vivid scene.
  • Slow down the pacing of the dialogue to allow for moments of reflection and emotional depth, especially when discussing such a significant and risky decision as joining the trenches as a soldier.
  • Consider adding a subtle foreshadowing element or hint at the potential consequences of Dorothy's decision to join the trenches, to create a sense of tension and anticipation for future scenes.



Scene 29 -  Dorothy's Solitary Survival
INT. ABANDONED CHECK POINT HUT - NIGHT
Dorothy hides inside the abandoned hut. Dunn approaches.
DUNN (O.S)
It's me. I'm coming in.
Dunn lights a candle. He hands her some bread and cheese.
DUNN (CONT'D)
I've said that you're gone. You
have to take care not to appear
again in Albert as a girl. Here.

Hands her a R.E badge, name and number.
83.

DUNN (CONT'D)
Welcome to The Buffs Sapper Smith.

THE WOODS

disguise their every movement. They search for an hiding
place.


EXT. CABBAGE PLANTATION - NIGHT

The cabbage plantation is no longer in operation. The old
cabbages squelch underfoot.

Ruined cottages, a few hundred yards in front of them come
into view.

INT. RUINED COTTAGES. DUGOUT - MOMENTS LATER

Immediately below the cottages is sheltered cellar dugouts.
Dorothy throws her bike in and follows.

DUNN (CONT'D)
Now I must be off. I know where yer
are. As soon as I get off duty,
I'll report some news. Keep yer
head down, no matter what.

Dunn stealth's away.

Dorothy disrobes among the straw. Fleas and creepy crawlies
instantly mob her during her transformation into army attire.

IN THE DUGOUT

Dorothy viciously itches. Enough is enough. She pokes her
head out, selects a cottage and runs.


EXT. RUINED COTTAGE - MOMENTS LATER
The cottage door is shell-struck, hanging by its hinges. The
lightest push, sends it crashing down. Luckily the sound is
swept up by the nearby shelling.


INT. RUINED COTTAGE - CONTINUOUS

The cottage is grotesque. The roof gapes open. Water damaged.
An old sodden mattress. A table. A piano lay in ruin.

Through the large wall holes, a macabre light show. Enough to
see a cold water tap glimmer. Next to the tap, a jam cauldron
covered in brick dust.

Peering outside, the voices of BRITISH and FRENCH troops bark
orders. The wall disguises her from being seen.
84.

INT. RUINED COTTAGE - LATER
With the door barricaded up, she quenches her thirst with the
brownish cold water.
Next, the sodden mattress is dragged away from the open roof
and propped against the wall to dry.
A set of drawers, the piano and carefully placed rubble,
create an hidden bedroom. In that, a make-shift bed, made
from old straw.
Exhausted, Dorothy rests her head.

INT. RUINED COTTAGE - NIGHT
The ear piercing sound of 'ENEMY HATE', shudders the cottage.
Screams bellow from the trenches. Heavy booms, vibrate the
earth. Bullets fizz through the air.
Dorothy cowers under cover. Her trembling hands struggle to
cover her ears. Sheer terror.

INT. RUINED COTTAGE - DAY
Birds chirp. Blue skies above.
The cottage has been made more homely. The jam cauldron rests
in a dry, secluded area. A washing line stretches from door
to wall with a single pair of socks hung to dry.

INT. RUINED COTTAGE - LATER
The flee bites still irritate. Scratching in between writing.
Her hands, tremor more then ever.

INT. RUINED COTTAGE - LATER
The water tap. Rusted. Bent. She risks another drink.

INT. RUINED COTTAGE - NIGHT
Cabin fever has set in. Dejected. Slumped in her own dark
thoughts. So tired. So hungry. Disorientated.
Footsteps advance across the cabbage patch. Her eyes dart
towards the barricade. She grabs a large brick - pumped for
action.
DAYDREAM - Antoine appears. His eyes glowing with pride.
Dorothy's heart kicks back into life.
85.

ANTOINE
Why so sad?
Utter disbelief.
DOROTHY
I thought...Antoine. It can't be
you.
ANTOINE
Who else.
DOROTHY
I waited for you.
ANTOINE
And now I'm here.
The most loving embrace.
DOROTHY
I'm so afraid Antoine. I should
have listened to you. What have I
done?
ANTOINE
It will take longer to go back to
the start, than it would to reach
the end. Stay strong Dorothy.
DOROTHY
Please don't leave me.
ANTOINE
I'll never leave you.
END OF DAYDREAM
Dorothy looks around the empty cottage. Alone again.
Dunn sticks his head through an open hole.
DUNN
It's me.
DOROTHY
Antoine?
DUNN
No. Dunn. Whose Antoine?
DOROTHY
I think I'm losing my mind Dunn.
DUNN
War does that to yer. No matter how
strong you think you are.
86.

Still in state of delusion, Dorothy nods.
Dunn hands her a small cooker. In it, steamed stew with gravy
and a hutch of bread.
DUNN (CONT'D)
I've brought you this, that's why I
took so long. Had to wait at the
cook shop until everyone had left.

Dorothy exhales with delight.

DUNN (CONT'D)
Tuck in then.

Dorothy dives into the food. The best meal ever.
DOROTHY
Well, what news? I couldn't stay in
that dugout, fleas hopped in like
fighting battalions. This is
better, I hope.

DUNN
Hey, you've made it nice I see.

Dorothy forces a bread filled smile.

DUNN (CONT'D)
Just don't go observing the view. A
bullet through your head won't do
anything for you.

DOROTHY
If it gets any colder, I may be
driven to it. So what's the plan?

DUNN
It won't do for yer to turn up in
the daylight just yet, some of the
troops are still excited about
meeting yer. Wait till another
night, then we can fall into line
and march into the trenches.

Dunn prepares to head back.

DOROTHY
Where are you going? Please, stay a
little while longer.

DUNN
I have to be back. I've got a
shift. I'll come back as soon as I
can.

Dunn leaves a sullen Dorothy behind.
87.
Genres: ["War","Drama"]

Summary In the midst of wartime, Dorothy seeks refuge in an abandoned checkpoint hut. Dunn provides her with supplies and a disguise as a male soldier named Sapper Smith. She finds shelter in a ruined cottage, transforming it into a habitable space. Amidst enemy attacks and hardship, Dorothy experiences a daydream of her lover, Antoine.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Atmospheric setting
  • Character development
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Repetitive actions
  • Limited external action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and physical challenges faced by the protagonist, creating a sense of tension and vulnerability. The dialogue and setting contribute to a strong atmosphere of war and desperation.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a young woman disguising herself as a soldier and navigating the dangers of war is compelling and well-executed. The scene effectively explores the psychological impact of war on individuals.

Plot: 9

The plot advances as Dorothy seeks to join the trenches as a soldier, facing obstacles and challenges along the way. The scene builds tension and sets up further conflict and character development.

Originality: 9

The scene demonstrates a high level of originality through its unique portrayal of wartime survival, the protagonist's internal and external conflicts, and the vivid descriptions of the setting and characters. The authenticity of the dialogue and actions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Dorothy's character is well-developed, showcasing her vulnerability, resilience, and inner strength. Dunn provides support and a sense of camaraderie, adding depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 8

Dorothy undergoes a significant emotional journey in the scene, grappling with fear, loneliness, and hope. Her interactions with Dunn also contribute to her character development.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to maintain her disguise and survive in the war-torn environment. This reflects her deeper need for safety and security, as well as her fear of being discovered and harmed.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to avoid detection and integrate into the troops to gather information. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces in navigating the dangerous wartime landscape.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, including Dorothy's struggle with her identity, the dangers of war, and the uncertainty of her situation. These conflicts drive the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing multiple challenges and obstacles that test her resolve and resourcefulness. The uncertainty of her situation and the dangers she encounters create a sense of suspense and danger for the audience.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as Dorothy risks her safety and identity to pursue her goal of joining the trenches as a soldier. The dangers of war and the uncertainty of her situation add tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by advancing Dorothy's journey to join the trenches as a soldier. It introduces new challenges and obstacles, setting up further developments in the plot.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the protagonist's journey, the shifting alliances and dangers she faces, and the emotional and psychological challenges she encounters. The scene keeps the audience on edge and unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the protagonist's struggle to maintain her identity and humanity in the midst of war. This challenges her beliefs about survival and loyalty, as well as the value of individual life in the face of larger conflicts.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of fear, loneliness, hope, and despair, creating a powerful emotional impact on the audience. Dorothy's internal struggles and moments of connection with Dunn resonate deeply.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and thoughts of the characters, adding depth to their interactions and relationships. It also contributes to the atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense emotional moments, suspenseful atmosphere, and the protagonist's compelling struggle for survival. The vivid descriptions and realistic dialogue draw the reader in and create a sense of urgency and tension.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by balancing moments of tension and action with quieter, more introspective moments. The rhythm of the scene keeps the reader engaged and invested in the protagonist's journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with proper scene headings, dialogue formatting, and descriptions of action and setting.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear transitions between locations, well-paced action, and a focus on character development and conflict.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear transitions between actions and locations, making it difficult to follow the sequence of events.
  • The dialogue feels disjointed and lacks depth, with abrupt shifts in tone and emotion.
  • The visual descriptions are detailed but overwhelming, leading to a lack of focus on the key elements of the scene.
  • The character interactions, particularly between Dorothy and Dunn, lack emotional depth and development.
  • The pacing of the scene is inconsistent, with moments of intense action followed by slow, drawn-out descriptions.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding smoother transitions between actions and locations to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Work on developing more nuanced and emotionally resonant dialogue to enhance the interactions between characters.
  • Focus on highlighting key visual elements that contribute to the atmosphere and mood of the scene, while trimming unnecessary details.
  • Deepen the emotional connection between Dorothy and Dunn to create a more engaging and compelling dynamic.
  • Adjust the pacing of the scene to maintain a consistent level of tension and engagement throughout.



Scene 30 -  Trapped in the Chaos
INT. RUINED COTTAGE - LATER
OVER BLACK:
BRITISH OFFICER (O.S)
Stand to! Stand to! Prepare!
Huge explosions. Stern orders resonate from the trenches.
Dorothy's eyes ping open.
The cottage shakes. Dust sprays. The wooden table is the only
cover she has.
SOLDIER (O.S)
In coming!
Rifle fire zips through the cottage. The masonry explodes.
The dust showers down, engulfing the room. Loose timber
crumbles inwards - inches from Dorothy's head.
Brightly coloured star-shells explode in a fire of red and
purple. Boom after boom. Hot shrapnel falls close by. Screams
from soldiers in every direction.
Masonry finally collapses over the wooden table. Taking
Dorothy with it.

INT. RUINED COTTAGE - DAY
The wooden table is pushed away. Dorothy coughs and
splutters.
Another big swig of contaminated water helps.
Dazed, she places a couple of bullet casings in her pocket.
Too tired to do anything else she lays down and stares up at
the sky.

INT. RUINED COTTAGE - LATER
Rain pours into cottage.
Dorothy's cough hasn't gone away. The cold is unbearable. She
cradles her soaking, irritable uniform.

INT. RUINED COTTAGE - LATER
The sun shines overhead. Wet clothing hangs from the line.
Dorothy chalks off day five on a smooth part of the wall.
She's weak. Pale. Like a boxer with a concussion.
IN THE YARD
88.

Dorothy peeks over the cabbage fields. SOLDIERS perform
marching drills in the distance. She picks them off one by
one with her imaginary sniper rifle.
A few feet in the air. A hostile Taube planes whirls by. She
takes aim. Fires.
Rifle-shots ring out, hitting the plane. It spirals out of
control and crashes in the cabbage field.
Dorothy looks in amazement at her imaginary sniper rifle.
A GERMAN PILOT scrambles from the wreckage as Dorothy watches
with horror as the German runs towards the cottage.
IN THE COTTAGE
Dorothy hides under the table and conceals her panicked
breathing.
The German shoots in. The only hiding spot is Dorothy's make-
shift bedroom. He clambers under the table and comes face to
face with Dorothy.
The German is in too much of a rush to digest the reason for
Dorothy being there. He squeezes next to her. Pulls the table
over them. He draws his pistol and presses it against her
temple.
AT THE WRECKAGE
British soldiers probe the aircraft. Others search the
surrounding area.
UNDER THE TABLE
one trembling German hand covers her mouth. A cough, tries to
break free. The German clicks down the pistol hammer. If she
coughs, they're both dead.
THE WRECKAGE
is now surrounded by soldiers. Some move closer to the
cottage with rifles poised.
UNDER THE TABLE
the German peers through a small gap and sees the soldiers
enter the cottage.
IN THE COTTAGE
the two soldiers scan the room.
DAYDREAM - UNDER THE TABLE the German murmurs something over
and over. Preparing to attack. Dorothy rests her hand over
his and gestures for him to be quiet.
89.

IN THE COTTAGE
the two soldiers search everywhere. Apart from the hidden
bedroom. They leave.
UNDER THE TABLE
the fearful German shakes. He's escaped death. It's too much
for him.
Dorothy offers him a shoulder to cry on, which he takes.
UNDER THE TABLE - NIGHT
brings shadows to escape in. Before he leaves, a silent
gesture of thanks. The German sneaks away.
END OF DAYDREAM
UNDER THE TABLE
The German murmurs something over and over and repares to
attack.
Dorothy tries to rest her hand over his, but he snaps it away
and presses the pistol harder against her head.
IN THE COTTAGE
the two soldiers aim the rifles at the make-shift bedroom. A
warning shot is aimlessly fired at it.
UNDER THE TABLE
the bullet tears a hole in the table, millimeters from
Dorothy's head.
The two share a moment before the German storms out, firing.
The soldiers duck for cover and fire back. The German gets
hit, once, twice, but still keeps on coming.
Dorothy, stifles her screams.
The German succumbs to a barrage of bullets. His body slumps
to the floor - dead. Through the gap in the table, Dorothy
watches the nightmare unfold.
SOLDIER 1
Dirty kraut.
He kicks the dead German.
SOLDIER 1 (CONT'D)
Grab his leg.

The German is unceremoniously dragged out of the cottage,
leaving Dorothy devastated.
90.
Genres: ["War","Drama","Action"]

Summary Dorothy, trapped in a ruined cottage during a fierce battle, witnesses the crash of a German plane and hides under a table with the injured pilot. Despite her fear, she shows compassion, offering him comfort until British soldiers enter the cottage, forcing the pilot to attack and ultimately get killed, leaving Dorothy traumatized.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Realistic portrayal of war
  • Emotional depth of characters
Weaknesses
  • Limited dialogue
  • Some cliched moments

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, effectively conveying the harsh realities of war and the emotional turmoil experienced by the characters. The tension and suspense are palpable, keeping the audience engaged throughout.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of survival in a war zone is well-executed, highlighting the dangers and challenges faced by the characters. The scene effectively portrays the harsh conditions and the constant threat of violence.

Plot: 9

The plot is gripping and intense, with a clear focus on the life-threatening situation the characters find themselves in. The progression of events keeps the audience on edge and invested in the outcome.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on the wartime setting, exploring themes of compassion and survival in a unique and compelling way. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and engaging.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions and interactions in the scene are realistic and compelling, adding depth to the narrative. Their emotions and struggles are portrayed effectively, enhancing the overall impact of the scene.

Character Changes: 7

The characters undergo subtle changes in response to the life-threatening situation, showing their resilience and determination to survive. The experience shapes their actions and decisions in the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Dorothy's internal goal is to survive the dangerous situation she finds herself in and maintain her composure despite the fear and uncertainty.

External Goal: 7

Dorothy's external goal is to avoid being discovered by the enemy soldiers and to stay alive in the midst of the conflict.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with the characters facing imminent danger and life-threatening situations. The intense action and suspense drive the narrative forward and keep the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the threat of discovery and violence creating a sense of danger and urgency for the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing imminent danger and the threat of death. The intense action and suspense raise the stakes and create a sense of urgency and tension.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by placing the characters in a critical situation and showcasing their reactions and decisions. It sets the stage for further developments in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected twists and turns in the characters' interactions and the outcome of the conflict.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of survival, morality, and human connection. Dorothy is faced with the dilemma of whether to trust the enemy soldier and show compassion, despite the risks involved.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of fear, sadness, and tension in the audience. The characters' struggles and the life-threatening situation they are in create a powerful emotional resonance.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but impactful, conveying the urgency and tension of the situation. The characters' words are authentic and add to the atmosphere of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, emotional depth, and moral dilemmas that keep the audience invested in the characters' fates.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' struggles.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, enhancing the readability and impact of the storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a dramatic climax.


Critique
  • The scene is filled with intense action and suspense, which creates a gripping atmosphere for the audience. However, there are moments where the pacing could be improved to allow for more emotional depth and character development.
  • The transition between the different time frames and settings within the scene could be smoother to avoid confusion for the audience.
  • There is a lack of clarity in some of the character motivations and interactions, particularly between Dorothy and the German pilot. More insight into their thoughts and emotions could enhance the tension and drama of the scene.
  • The daydream sequence with the imaginary sniper rifle adds an interesting element to the scene, but it could be further developed to provide a deeper insight into Dorothy's mindset and coping mechanisms during the war.
  • The resolution of the conflict with the German pilot feels rushed and could benefit from a more nuanced and emotionally impactful conclusion.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal monologue or dialogue to provide insight into Dorothy's thoughts and emotions throughout the scene.
  • Work on refining the pacing of the action sequences to allow for moments of reflection and character development.
  • Clarify the motivations and interactions between Dorothy and the German pilot to create a more compelling and emotionally resonant conflict resolution.
  • Expand on the daydream sequence with the imaginary sniper rifle to delve deeper into Dorothy's coping mechanisms and psychological state.
  • Consider revisiting the resolution of the conflict with the German pilot to create a more impactful and satisfying conclusion for the audience.



Scene 31 -  A Night of Comfort in the Ruins
INT. RUINED COTTAGE - DAY
Dorothy stares down at the wet blood of the German. Another
painful memory to dry wash away.

INT. RUINED COTTAGE - LATER
In a world of her own, Dorothy coughs and paces. She's sick
and staving.
Marching soldiers whistle the Marseillaise. Her dry lips
prevent her from joining in.

INT. RUINED COTTAGE - NIGHT
A disoriatated Dorothy stands motionless staring up at the
stars.
Dunn enters with a bag containing food and drink.
DUNN
Dorothy. Are yer alright? Yer don't
look so good.
DOROTHY
I'm so alone.
DUNN
No you're not. I'm here now.
DOROTHY
I don't know what's real anymore.
DUNN
Don't get yourself worked up. I
know it's hard-
DOROTHY
-No you don't! You don't know the
meaning of the word.
DUNN
Dorothy...
DOROTHY
I don't know. What is happening!
DUNN
Keep yer voice down.
DOROTHY
I don't even care anymore. I don't
even care anymore!
Dunn tries to comfort her.
91.

DOROTHY (CONT'D)
Don't touch me! No one touch me.

She crumbles in a heap and Dunn comforts her. She desperately
hugs him back and sobs.

DUNN
Just say the word and I'll get you
out of here. I promise.

DOROTHY
Then I would have failed.

DUNN
Failed who? The only person you
need to prove yourself to, is you.
DOROTHY
I'd rather die then go back a
failure.

DUNN
Don't say that. You're better than
that. We need to get you warm.

He takes corned beef and bread from his back pack.

DOROTHY
Maybe I'm already dead.

DUNN
Please eat something.

Her weak, trembling hand picks up the spoon. Very slowly, she
eats. He empties heavy blankets from his back pack and wraps
her up.

DUNN (CONT'D)
I'm staying here tonight.

Dorothy's pale complexion, given an instant injection of
colour.

DOROTHY
You'll stay? Promise?

DUNN
I won't leave. Promise.

The two snuggle up close.
Genres: ["War","Drama"]

Summary In the haunting darkness of a ruined cottage, Dorothy's mind succumbs to the horrors she has endured. Haunted by memories of killing, she trembles with disorientation. As she struggles for clarity, Dunn arrives bearing nourishment and solace, his presence a beacon of hope amidst her torment. Despite her initial reluctance, Dunn persistently offers her an escape from the haunting memories and fragile solitude. As Dorothy succumbs to hunger and exhaustion, she accepts the warmth of his embrace, finding respite in the solace he offers in the desolate night.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Intense conflict
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly melodramatic

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, emotionally charged, and showcases strong character development and intense conflict.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of exploring the psychological toll of war on individuals, particularly Dorothy, is well-executed and adds depth to the narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot advances as Dorothy grapples with her inner demons and forms a crucial connection with Dunn, setting the stage for further developments.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on wartime narratives by focusing on the emotional and psychological effects of conflict on individuals. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the scene, making it stand out in its exploration of human resilience and vulnerability.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Dorothy and Dunn, are well-developed and their emotional journey is compelling and engaging.

Character Changes: 9

Dorothy undergoes a significant emotional transformation, from despair to finding a glimmer of hope through her connection with Dunn.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to grapple with feelings of loneliness, confusion, and a lack of purpose. Dorothy's dialogue and actions reflect her deeper needs for connection, understanding, and a sense of identity in the midst of chaos and despair.

External Goal: 7.5

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find comfort and stability in a tumultuous environment. Dorothy seeks warmth, food, and emotional support from Dunn, reflecting her immediate need for survival and reassurance.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The internal conflict within Dorothy, as well as the external conflict of survival in a war-torn setting, adds tension and drama to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the protagonist faces internal and external challenges that test her resilience and beliefs. The uncertainty and conflict in the characters' interactions create a sense of tension and unpredictability.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of survival, emotional turmoil, and the impact of war on individuals heighten the tension and drama of the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene deepens the emotional stakes and sets the stage for further character development and plot progression.

Unpredictability: 7.5

This scene is unpredictable in its emotional twists and turns, as the characters' vulnerabilities and conflicts unfold in unexpected ways. The audience is kept on edge by the characters' shifting emotions and choices.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around Dorothy's struggle with her own sense of self-worth and purpose. She grapples with the idea of failure and the importance of proving herself, highlighting a conflict between external expectations and internal validation.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, particularly through Dorothy's vulnerability and Dunn's comforting presence.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and vulnerability of the characters, adding depth to their interactions.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, intimate character dynamics, and thematic depth. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and relationships, creating a sense of empathy and connection.

Pacing: 8.5

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional depth, allowing for moments of quiet reflection and intense emotional exchanges. The rhythm of the scene enhances its impact and engages the audience in the characters' struggles.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene's formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene descriptions, character dialogue, and narrative direction. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively conveys the characters' emotional journey and the unfolding narrative. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building tension and emotional depth.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of Dorothy's mental state and emotions. It jumps from her staring at the blood of the German to being disoriented and sick without a clear transition or development of her emotional journey.
  • The dialogue between Dorothy and Dunn feels somewhat forced and melodramatic, lacking subtlety and depth in their interaction.
  • There is a lack of nuance in portraying Dorothy's internal struggles and trauma. Her breakdown and subsequent comfort from Dunn feel rushed and could benefit from more nuanced exploration.
  • The pacing of the scene feels disjointed, with abrupt shifts in Dorothy's emotional state without a clear progression or build-up.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues and sensory details to enhance the atmosphere and immerse the audience in Dorothy's experience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between Dorothy staring at the blood and her disoriented state to provide more context and clarity for the audience.
  • Refine the dialogue between Dorothy and Dunn to make it more authentic and reflective of their complex emotions and relationship.
  • Explore Dorothy's internal struggles and trauma in more depth, allowing for a more gradual and nuanced portrayal of her emotional journey.
  • Work on the pacing of the scene to create a more cohesive and engaging narrative flow, building up to Dorothy's breakdown and comfort from Dunn.
  • Enhance the scene with more visual and sensory details to create a vivid and immersive experience for the audience, capturing the emotional intensity of Dorothy's situation.



Scene 32 -  Marching to the Trenches
INT. RUINED COTTAGE - DAY

Food fills the entirety of a make-shift table. A note, it
reads; Dorothy, a feast fit for a queen. Enjoy. Dunn.

Her eyes beam like saucer plates and tucks in.
92.

INT. RUINED COTTAGE - NIGHT
Dorothy chalks off day seven on the wall.
Dunn scales over the debris.
DUNN (CONT'D)
How yer feeling?
DOROTHY
Ready to pop.
DUNN
Good cause we're going in.
DOROTHY
Going in what?
DUNN
The trenches.
DOROTHY
What now?
DUNN
Only if you're up for it.
Dorothy takes a moment.
DOROTHY
I'm scared.
DUNN
We're all scared. It's yes or no.
Not enough time to process the danger.
DOROTHY
Yes.

EXT. ROAD. RUINED WALL - NIGHT
Like soldiers in action, they bob and weave, passed remnants
of ruined walls, passed out buildings.

EXT. BARRACKS - NIGHT
The barracks gives them cover. Now in touching distance of
the courtyard, full with high spirited soldiers.
From under the barracks outer wall, a rifle. Dunn hands it
over.
DUNN
Yer know what you're doing with
that?
93.

DOROTHY
Yes of course.
She doesn't.
DUNN
You ready?
A focused nod.
DUNN (CONT'D)
You remember exactly what to do?

An guarded nod.

DUNN (CONT'D)
You remember your regimental number
and name?

DOROTHY
Yes!

A white light floods the courtyard. Khaki figures barge out
from the barracks.

A very large N.C.O hastily moves amongst them, barking
orders.

N.C.O
Now then!

The troops fall in line.

DUNN
Ready?

She hesitates.

N.C.O (O.S)
March! Left, right, left, right...
DUNN
Dorothy?

The moment is huge. Finally, she nods. They run and arrive at
the back of the marching troops.

OVER BLACK:

Heavy breathing. Muffled shouts. Exploding shells.

DUNN (O.S) (CONT'D)
Smith!

Rifle fire. Heavy bombardment vibrates Dorothy's voice.

DOROTHY (O.S)
I can't move!
94.

SUPER: THE TRENCHES
Genres: ["War","Drama"]

Summary Dorothy, a young woman living in a ruined cottage, prepares to join the war effort with Dunn, a soldier. Despite her fears, she agrees to accompany him into the trenches. They gather their supplies and make their way through the ruins, where Dunn arms Dorothy with a rifle. As they approach the front lines, the scene becomes chaotic with heavy breathing, muffled shouts, and exploding shells.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Compelling character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Realistic portrayal of wartime challenges
Weaknesses
  • Possible lack of clarity in some action sequences
  • Some dialogue may need further refinement

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, filled with tension, emotion, and significant character development. It effectively conveys the dangers and challenges faced by Dorothy as she navigates through the war-torn landscape.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a young woman disguising herself as a male soldier and venturing into the frontlines of war is compelling and well-executed. It adds depth to the story and creates a sense of urgency and danger.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and propels the story forward as Dorothy makes a bold decision to join the trenches. It keeps the audience on edge and sets the stage for further conflict and development.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh approach to the war genre, focusing on the internal struggles and decisions of the protagonist rather than just the external action of battle. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Dorothy and Dunn, are well-developed and undergo significant growth throughout the scene. Their interactions and decisions drive the narrative forward and evoke strong emotions from the audience.

Character Changes: 8

Dorothy undergoes significant character growth as she confronts her fears and embraces her courage to enter the trenches. Her transformation from a hesitant young woman to a determined soldier is compelling and impactful.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal is to overcome her fear and muster the courage to face the dangers of the trenches. This reflects her deeper need for bravery and resilience in the face of adversity.

External Goal: 9

The protagonist's external goal is to successfully navigate the trenches and fulfill her duties as a soldier. This goal reflects the immediate circumstances and challenges of the war environment.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with Dorothy facing internal and external challenges as she prepares to enter the trenches. The danger and uncertainty create a sense of urgency and suspense, driving the narrative forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing internal and external challenges that test her courage and resolve. The uncertainty of the outcome adds to the tension and suspense.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as Dorothy risks her life to enter the trenches and face the horrors of war. The danger, uncertainty, and potential consequences add tension and urgency to the scene, keeping the audience engaged and invested.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by pushing Dorothy into a new and dangerous situation. It sets the stage for further conflict, development, and resolution, driving the narrative towards its climax.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the protagonist's internal conflict and the uncertain outcome of her decision to enter the trenches. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the tension between fear and duty, as the protagonist grapples with her own fears while also recognizing the importance of following orders and fulfilling her responsibilities as a soldier.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, eliciting fear, compassion, and admiration from the audience. Dorothy's journey and the sacrifices she makes resonate deeply, creating a powerful connection with the viewers.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys the tension, fear, and determination of the characters. It adds depth to their personalities and motivations, enhancing the overall impact of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional conflict, and suspenseful build-up to the protagonist's decision. The tension and urgency keep the audience invested in the characters' journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading up to the climactic moment of the protagonist's decision to enter the trenches. The rhythm of the scene enhances the emotional impact and keeps the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene follows the expected format for a war drama, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading up to the climactic moment of the protagonist's decision to enter the trenches. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the scene's effectiveness in conveying the characters' emotions and motivations.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition between the day and night sequences, making it slightly confusing for the audience to follow the timeline.
  • The dialogue between Dorothy and Dunn feels a bit rushed and could benefit from more emotional depth and character development.
  • There is a missed opportunity to explore Dorothy's internal conflict and fear more deeply before she agrees to go into the trenches.
  • The tension and danger of the situation could be heightened with more descriptive language and sensory details to immerse the audience in the scene.
  • The ending of the scene feels abrupt and could be expanded upon to create a more impactful and suspenseful cliffhanger.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief transition or visual cue to clearly indicate the change from day to night in the scene.
  • Take the time to develop the dialogue between Dorothy and Dunn to reveal more about their characters and the stakes of their decision to enter the trenches.
  • Explore Dorothy's internal struggle and fear more thoroughly before she agrees to go into the trenches to add depth to her character arc.
  • Enhance the atmosphere of tension and danger by incorporating more sensory details and vivid descriptions of the surroundings.
  • Extend the ending of the scene to create a more suspenseful and impactful cliffhanger that leaves the audience wanting more.



Scene 33 -  Escape from the Tunnel
INT. TRENCHES. UNDER NO MANS LAND - NIGHT
Dunn reverse crawls out of a freshly dug tunnel under No
Man's Land. Over-head, shells explode in an array of
beautiful colours.
A baby faced soldier, cowers, covered in mud and blood.
Weeping. Infected by fear.
DUNN
(To young soldier)
Where was the call?
Dunn grabs him by his collar. The soldier, a child, just
wanting home, can't speak. Dead soldiers drop from ladders. A
ferocious exchange of fire.
Dunn sticks his head in the tunnel.
DUNN (CONT'D)
Smith! Get out now!

IN THE TUNNEL

Dorothy fights a panic attack.

DOROTHY
I can't...I can't breath....Dunn!

IN THE TRENCHES

Dunn shines a light down the tunnel. The bottom of Dorothy's
boots struggle to move.

DUNN
Smith! Get out now! Smith!

Another explosion over No Man's land shudders the tunnel.
IN THE TUNNEL

soil crumbles around her.

DOROTHY
No...no.

The space is so tight. A small pocket of crumbled earth
allows her to shuffle backwards.

More bone crushing shudders and the tunnel collapses.

DAYDREAM - IN THE TRENCHES Dorothy, buried by soil, breaks
through the earth, gasping for air. She regains her bearings.
95.

Everything is still. No explosions. No noise. Just death.
Every soldier is dead. Laid to rest, in the worst possible
grave.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
Dunn! Where are you?

Her voice echos back to her.

THROUGH THE TRENCHES

She treads over bodies, searching for signs of life.

DOROTHY (CONT'D)
Somebody! Hello?
She comes across the body of Ginge, slumped wide eyed and
shirtless.

DOROTHY (CONT'D)
Ginge, no.

The image scarred into her brain forever.

FURTHER THROUGH THE TRENCHES

She finds the bodies of Peters and Philips, supporting each
other in a sitting position.

She frantically checks if there is any sign of life.

DOROTHY (CONT'D)
Wake up! Please wake up! Please
don't leave me here.

Nothing will bring them back.

UP THE LADDER

Dorothy peeks over No Mans Land. Mist, angled wire and piles
of the dead carpet the earth. Her first step onto dangerous
ground is cautious.

Another few steps in and something crunches under her boot -
Youssef's round glasses. His blood soaked body lies close by.

BEYOND THE CORPSES

wrapped up in tangled barbed wire, lies the body of Antoine.
Instant shock. Too much to take. She lets out a scream that
could rival any bomb blast.

END OF DAYDREAM

IN THE TRENCHES

Dorothy, buried by soil, breaks through the earth -
screaming. Dunn pulls her free.
96.

DUNN
Was that close enough for yer?
The trenches, full of soldiers. Bomb blasts over-head.
Dorothy tries to process what just happened and her own
sanity.
Genres: ["War","Drama"]

Summary Dunn rescues Dorothy from a collapsed tunnel, where she experienced a panic attack and daydreamed about her fallen comrades. The aftermath of a battle in No Man's Land is revealed, showing the horrors of war.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Realistic portrayal of war horrors
  • Compelling character development
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Potentially triggering content

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is highly impactful, effectively conveying the emotional and physical toll of war on the characters. The tension and sense of dread are palpable throughout, making it a compelling and memorable moment in the screenplay.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of being buried alive in the trenches during a war is a powerful and harrowing idea that is executed effectively in this scene. It showcases the brutal reality of conflict and the psychological trauma it inflicts on individuals.

Plot: 8

The plot in this scene is focused on the protagonist's harrowing experience of being buried alive in the trenches, which adds depth and complexity to the overall narrative. It serves as a pivotal moment that propels the story forward.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh and authentic portrayal of the horrors of war, with unique character reactions and intense imagery. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in this scene, particularly Dorothy and Dunn, are well-developed and their emotions and actions are portrayed with depth and authenticity. Their interactions and reactions add layers to the story and enhance the audience's connection to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Dorothy undergoes a significant emotional and psychological change in this scene, as she confronts the horrors of war and experiences a traumatic event that alters her perspective. This moment marks a turning point in her character arc.

Internal Goal: 8

Dorothy's internal goal is to overcome her fear and panic in the face of death and destruction. This reflects her deeper need for survival and her desire to maintain her sanity in a brutal war environment.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to survive the collapsing tunnel and find her way back to safety in the trenches. This reflects the immediate challenge of escaping danger and death.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in this scene is high, both in terms of external threats (war, danger) and internal struggles (fear, trauma). The tension and stakes are heightened, creating a sense of urgency and danger.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing constant danger and obstacles that challenge her survival. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the outcome.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes in this scene are incredibly high, as the characters are faced with life-threatening danger, emotional turmoil, and the brutal consequences of war. The risk of death and the psychological impact of the events add a sense of urgency and importance to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

This scene significantly moves the story forward by placing the protagonist in a perilous situation and forcing her to confront the harsh realities of war. It sets the stage for further developments and challenges in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the constant danger and unexpected twists, keeping the audience on edge and unsure of the characters' fates.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is the struggle between life and death, hope and despair, as Dorothy faces the reality of war and loss. This challenges her beliefs in the value of life and the meaning of survival.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The emotional impact of this scene is profound, evoking feelings of fear, sadness, shock, and compassion in the audience. The intense portrayal of the characters' experiences and the harrowing circumstances they face make it a deeply affecting moment.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue in this scene is minimal but impactful, conveying the urgency and desperation of the characters in a war-torn environment. It effectively communicates the emotions and tensions present in the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense action, emotional depth, and high stakes. The audience is drawn into the characters' struggles and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the characters' struggles. The rhythm of the action and dialogue enhances the emotional impact of the scene.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is clear and concise, following the expected format for a screenplay in the war drama genre.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a war drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm effectively build tension and suspense.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the timeline and transitions between different locations and events. It jumps between Dorothy's panic attack in the tunnel, a daydream sequence, and her search for signs of life in the trenches without clear transitions.
  • The emotional impact of Dorothy's experiences in the trenches is not fully realized. The scene focuses more on the chaotic and violent environment rather than delving into Dorothy's internal struggles and trauma.
  • The dialogue feels somewhat generic and lacks depth, especially in moments of high emotion and tension. There is an opportunity to enhance the dialogue to better convey Dorothy's fear, desperation, and grief.
  • The visual descriptions could be more vivid and immersive to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and tension. Details about the surroundings, the sounds of battle, and the devastation in the trenches could be more evocative.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved to build tension and suspense effectively. There are moments where the action feels rushed or disjointed, detracting from the overall impact of Dorothy's experiences.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to create a more coherent narrative flow. Clearly establish the sequence of events and transitions between different locations to enhance the audience's understanding.
  • Focus on developing Dorothy's emotional journey in the trenches. Dive deeper into her internal struggles, fears, and trauma to make her experiences more relatable and impactful.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more authentic and emotionally resonant. Add layers of complexity to Dorothy's interactions with Dunn and her reactions to the harrowing events in the trenches.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to paint a vivid picture of the chaotic and dangerous environment in the trenches. Use sensory details to immerse the audience in Dorothy's experiences and create a more engaging atmosphere.
  • Work on the pacing of the scene to build tension gradually and allow moments of emotional intensity to resonate with the audience. Slow down the action in key moments to heighten the impact of Dorothy's journey.



Scene 34 -  Dorothy's Traumatic War Flashback
INT. RUINED COTTAGE - LATER
Mud cloaks every inch of her uniform. Her eyes glaze over as
she coughs even harder than before. Followed by
uncontrollable hand tremors.
She chalks off the eighth day, then blacks out.

INT. RUINED COTTAGE - DAY
Hot tea warms her shivering hands. More tea spills then is
drunk. She takes comfort in the silence. Then the sobbing
begins. She rips off the uniform and stomps on the jacket.
The chaos in her mind, erupts in a fit of rage as she
destroys the home she has made.

INT. TRENCHES - NIGHT
Through the trenches, LOOK-OUTS, SOLDIERS writing letters,
cleaning weapons. Rifles poised on the trench lip.
The savage fighting is in full swing. The explosions and
destruction, brushed aside by a newly focused, or maybe
unstable Dorothy.
Dorothy marches ahead of Dunn. Her digging equipment carried
like a pro.
AT THE TUNNEL
hard soil is attacked with the rage of a thousand men. Her
axe smashing through the earth with ease. Dunn, impressed,
yet worrisome.
DEEP IN THE TUNNEL
Dorothy bores through the stone and mud like a machine.
Dunn, on constant alert for the slightest enemy sound. He
suddenly grabs the axe. They listen. Faint GERMAN voices seep
through the soil. Then the sound of a mine being ignited.
DUNN (CONT'D)
FALL BACK!
It's too late. The bomb decimates everything.
97.

Like being hit by a truck. They are blown clean out of the
tunnel. Slamming against the trench wall.
The German attack is swift. War cries bellowing out. Rifle
fire. A cauldron of hell.
ACROSS NO MANS LAND
GERMAN SOLDIERS advance. Fearless. Supported by cover fire.
BRITISH SOLDIERS fall under the bombardment. They retreat.
Dunn comes to and throws Dorothy's lifeless body over his
shoulder. He runs, but a bullet shoots through his shoulder.
Wounded, he escapes.

EXT. CATHEDRAL - NIGHT
THE VIRGIN MARY
looks down on Dorothy. The sound of war - all around. She
scrambles to her feet. The German soldiers in full attack
mode. Too defeated to run, or even care, she waits for death.
AHEAD
Dunn shoots attacking Germans.
Dunn runs a gauntlet of explosions towards her. Bullets
pierce through his leg and back. He tackles Dorothy to the
ground moments before a bomb tears apart a near-by combat
vehicle carry MEN.
Another huge explosion of fuel, metal and flesh. Dorothy
lands hard. Dazed. Blood and flesh rain down on her.
Dunn's lifeless eyes lie open.
DOROTHY
Dunn? Dunn wake up. No. Please wake
up. Please don't leave me.
Her mental state - shatters.
END OF FLASHBACK

INT. VISITING ROOM - DAY
Simon puts down his pencil with a look of dissatisfaction.
SIMON
But Dunn didn't die did he?
MARY
Simon.
98.

Simon opens Dorothy's book to the Author's note.
SIMON
You included a letter from Dunn in
your Author's note. The letter was
written in 1918. Three years after
you left Albert.
A confused Dorothy tries to process the information.
MARY
Simon, stop.
DOROTHY
It was a confusing time. I wasn't
well. I just wrote what I saw.
SIMON
Look Dorothy, I want to believe
you, I really do, but things like
this make it almost impossible to
find the truth in all this.
DOROTHY
...I know what happened to me. I
know what I achieved. Some of the
details may be blurry, but I proved
what I set out to prove. ...You're
just like those men who wanted to
bury my story. Made out like I was
insane. That I made everything up.
Had me down as a spy. Times haven't
changed at all...Now you can sit
there with your ideas and smart
mouth, trying to undermine me, or
you can listen, understand and
appreciate what I went through
...and what every woman out there
goes through when they have to
answer to men. It's up to you.
Simon shamefully bows his head.
SIMON
...I'm sorry. Please carry on.
Genres: ["War","Drama"]

Summary Dorothy recalls her experiences in the trenches during WWI, including a fit of rage, relentless digging, an explosion, and the death of Dunn. Her mental state shatters, leading to a confrontation with Simon who initially doubts her story but later apologizes.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intense action sequences
  • Realistic portrayal of war
Weaknesses
  • Potential for overwhelming violence
  • Complexity of emotional themes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is powerful, emotional, and gripping, effectively portraying the horrors of war and the internal struggles of the characters.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of the scene, focusing on the chaos and devastation of war, is well-executed and impactful.

Plot: 9

The plot is intense and engaging, with high stakes and dramatic events unfolding rapidly.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh perspective on war narratives by focusing on a female protagonist's experiences and struggles in a male-dominated environment. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the story.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with complex emotions and motivations driving their actions.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo significant emotional changes, particularly Dorothy, as she faces the harsh realities of war.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to prove her worth and validate her experiences despite doubts and skepticism from others. She seeks recognition and understanding for her struggles and achievements.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to survive the war and overcome the challenges and dangers she faces in the battlefield.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with intense battles, emotional turmoil, and life-threatening situations.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing life-threatening challenges and obstacles that test her resolve and determination. The audience is kept on edge, unsure of the outcome.

High Stakes: 10

The stakes are incredibly high in the scene, with life-and-death situations, intense battles, and emotional turmoil.

Story Forward: 9

The scene propels the story forward by showcasing the characters' struggles and the escalating conflict in the war.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable due to the sudden twists and turns in the protagonist's journey, unexpected events, and high stakes that keep the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict revolves around the protagonist's struggle for recognition and validation in a male-dominated society that undermines her experiences and achievements. It challenges traditional gender roles and societal expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 10

The scene evokes strong emotions in the audience, portraying the characters' pain, fear, and desperation in a compelling way.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is raw and emotional, reflecting the characters' inner turmoil and the intensity of the situation.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its intense action sequences, emotional depth, and thematic relevance. The conflict and stakes are high, keeping the audience invested in the protagonist's journey.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic moment of conflict and resolution. The rhythm of the scene enhances its emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a war drama genre, with clear scene transitions and descriptive elements that enhance the visual storytelling.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively builds tension and drama, leading to a climactic moment of conflict and resolution.


Critique
  • The transition from Dorothy destroying the ruined cottage to marching through the trenches feels abrupt and disjointed. There needs to be a smoother transition or a clearer connection between these two moments.
  • The chaotic and intense nature of the battle in the trenches is well conveyed, but the emotional impact on Dorothy could be further explored. Show more of her internal struggle and the toll the events are taking on her mental state.
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or closure regarding Dunn's fate. The sudden shift from Dorothy witnessing Dunn's apparent death to the present-day interrogation leaves the audience hanging without a satisfying conclusion.
  • The dialogue between Simon and Dorothy in the visiting room feels slightly forced and could benefit from a more natural flow. Simon's skepticism and Dorothy's defense could be portrayed with more nuance and depth.
  • The emotional weight of Dorothy's experiences and the themes of gender inequality and mental health could be further emphasized to create a more impactful and resonant scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or reaction from Dorothy after destroying the cottage to bridge the emotional gap between that moment and marching through the trenches.
  • Explore Dorothy's internal turmoil and psychological journey more deeply during the chaotic battle in the trenches. Show her conflicting emotions, fears, and resilience in the face of adversity.
  • Provide a clearer resolution to Dunn's fate to give closure to his character arc and Dorothy's emotional journey. This could involve a brief follow-up scene or dialogue that addresses Dunn's survival.
  • Refine the dialogue between Simon and Dorothy to make it more authentic and engaging. Develop their interaction to showcase the complexity of their relationship and the themes of truth, perception, and gender dynamics.
  • Enhance the thematic elements of the scene by delving deeper into the impact of Dorothy's experiences on her sense of self, her resilience in the face of adversity, and the societal challenges she faces as a woman in a male-dominated world.



Scene 35 -  Disguised as a Man, Dorothy Defies Her Accusers
INT. RUINED COTTAGE - FLASHBACK
In a state of semi-consciousness - maybe madness, Dorothy
stands coughing, now more painful. Her trembling hand chalks
off the tenth day.

EXT. OFFICERS DOOR - NIGHT
A letter is slid under the officers door.
99.

INT. OUT BUILDING MEETING POINT - LATER
Dorothy sits staring at the door, coughing and freezing. The
door swings open. SERGEANT DUDLEY, tall, commanding, wades
in. Dorothy stands defiant.
Dudley examines her from a distance.
DOROTHY
At once I will set your mind at
rest. I am no spy.
Her passport is thrown onto the table. Dudley examines it.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
By birth I am English, but of
Scotch and Irish descent.

Dudley doesn't know what to make of all this.

DOROTHY (CONT'D)
Well? Aren't you going to say
anything?

SERGEANT DUDLEY
Who helped you?

He checks the name on her passport.

SERGEANT DUDLEY (CONT'D)
Miss Lawrence. Who helped you?

DOROTHY
No one helped me. I made it here of
my own accord.

He doesn't believe her.

SERGEANT DUDLEY
And the uniform?
DOROTHY
I stole it. Piece by piece. Over
many months.

Dudley coldly glares at her.

SERGEANT DUDLEY
I will be back in due course.
Please remain here. Everything is
going to be fine.

He leaves.
1
00.

INT. OUT BUILDING MEETING POINT - LATER
Dorothy is curled up asleep in the small side room. The door
flies open and two GUARDS search the place as Dudley remains
on by the door.
Dorothy is then dragged to her feet.
GUARD 1
We arrest you in the king's name.
DOROTHY
Perhaps you would like to look at
my passport?
Both documents are presented. Guard 1 looks them over.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
Before this arrest takes place, I
wish to make it clear that I am not
a spy. I am an English girl.

Guard 1 can't believe his eyes.

DOROTHY (CONT'D)
(To Dudley)
And you. You are the biggest snake
I have ever met. If I were really a
man, I'd knock that smirk right off
your face.

Guard 1 handcuffs her.


INT. HEAD QUARTERS. MESS HALL - DAY

Dorothy is led into the mess hall. A large table, occupied by
COLONEL BARRINGTON, along other OFFICERS.

Several KILTED OFFICERS and interested TROOPS, make up the
audience. Suspicion mixed with fascination.
All Dorothy can do is laugh. She simply doesn't care anymore.

COLONEL BARRINGTON
Oh, so you are a woman. All we
asked for is the truth. Don't try
to deceive us.

Through her laughter...

DOROTHY
...I'm not here to deceive. Nor am
I a spy. I must say, if a woman can
get into your trenches, good
heavens knows what the Germans can
do.
1
01.

Titters of laughter from the audience.
COLONEL BARRINGTON
They did get into the trenches. As
you very well know.
The confusion between reality and imaginary, buried deep in
her brain.
COLONEL BARRINGTON (CONT'D)
So why are you here?
Genres: ["War","Drama"]

Summary Dorothy, disguised as a man, is questioned by Sergeant Dudley and Colonel Barrington. She insists she is not a spy but an English girl who wanted to see the war. Despite her claims of innocence, she is arrested and taken to headquarters, where she continues to defy her captors.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Intriguing concept
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic
  • Potential lack of subtlety in character interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys tension, intrigue, and character depth through Dorothy's interactions with the officers, showcasing her resilience and the conflicting emotions of those around her.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a female infiltrating the male-dominated war environment adds a unique and compelling layer to the narrative, exploring themes of identity, deception, and gender roles.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Dorothy's true identity is revealed, leading to potential consequences and further development of her character arc within the wartime setting.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on wartime espionage and identity, with a focus on a female protagonist navigating a male-dominated military environment. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Dorothy, Sergeant Dudley, and Colonel Barrington, are well-defined and their interactions drive the scene forward, showcasing their conflicting motivations and beliefs.

Character Changes: 7

Dorothy undergoes a significant change as her true identity is revealed, leading to potential consequences and further development of her character arc within the wartime setting.

Internal Goal: 8

Dorothy's internal goal is to prove her innocence and assert her identity as an English girl, not a spy. This reflects her need for validation, acceptance, and truth in a situation where she is being falsely accused and misunderstood.

External Goal: 7

Dorothy's external goal is to avoid arrest and convince the officers of her innocence. This reflects the immediate challenge she faces of being wrongly accused and detained.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Dorothy's defiance and the officers' skepticism creates a tense and suspenseful atmosphere, driving the scene forward with emotional intensity.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Dorothy facing suspicion, interrogation, and arrest, creating a sense of uncertainty and tension for the audience.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes are present as Dorothy faces interrogation and potential consequences for her deception, adding tension and suspense to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing Dorothy's true identity and setting up potential conflicts and developments within the wartime narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the shifting power dynamics, unexpected revelations, and the protagonist's unpredictable actions.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between truth and perception. Dorothy's insistence on her innocence challenges the officers' preconceived notions and biases, highlighting the theme of judgment and prejudice.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes a range of emotions, from defiance and confusion to fascination and amusement, creating a compelling and immersive experience for the audience.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue effectively conveys tension, defiance, and skepticism, adding depth to the characters and driving the interrogation scene with authenticity and emotion.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its tense interactions, dramatic conflict, and the protagonist's defiance in the face of adversity.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene contributes to its effectiveness by building tension, suspense, and emotional impact through well-timed reveals and confrontations.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, action lines, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a wartime drama, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm contribute to its effectiveness.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency and tension, considering the high stakes and the intense situation Dorothy finds herself in.
  • The dialogue feels a bit too on-the-nose and could benefit from more subtlety and nuance to convey Dorothy's defiance and the officers' skepticism.
  • There is a missed opportunity to delve deeper into Dorothy's internal struggles and emotions, especially considering her mental state and the traumatic experiences she has been through.
  • The interaction between Dorothy and the officers could be more dynamic and engaging, with more layers of conflict and power dynamics at play.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual descriptions to create a vivid and immersive setting, enhancing the atmosphere and tension of the interrogation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more physical actions and reactions to convey Dorothy's defiance and the officers' skepticism, rather than relying solely on dialogue.
  • Explore Dorothy's internal thoughts and emotions more deeply to provide insight into her mental state and the impact of her traumatic experiences.
  • Introduce more subtle cues and hints to build tension and suspense throughout the scene, keeping the audience on edge.
  • Enhance the setting with detailed descriptions of the surroundings, adding to the atmosphere and immersing the audience in the intensity of the interrogation.
  • Consider adding layers of subtext and underlying motivations to the characters' interactions, creating a more complex and engaging dynamic.



Scene 36 -  Dorothy's Defiance
INT. MESS HALL - LATER

The mess hall is packed out. A haze of tobacco smoke filters
through the hoards of soldiers.

DOROTHY
I mean those trenches could do with
a woman's touch. They are quite
filthy. But, you've probably never
stepped foot in them have you?

The Colonel is not impressed, but the audience love it.

The mess hall door swings opens and Officer Cartwright
hurries in.

OFFICER CARTWRIGHT
Good lord, Miss Lawrence, whatever
is the matter?

Dorothy laughs.

DOROTHY
Nothing. Here I am. That's all.

Roars of laughter from the audience.

OFFICER CARTWRIGHT
You've been here all that time?

DOROTHY
Yes, since I last saw you.

More laughter.

COLONEL BARRINGTON
Enough. The question is, what to do
with you?

DOROTHY
Exactly. What could be done with
me? Where do I sleep?

More laughter.
1
02.

COLONEL BARRINGTON
Anyhow, you have caused much
excitement at the front. This
episode will get talked about all
along the line.
The audience applaud. A curtsy sends them wild.

INT. SITTING ROOM - DAY
A knock on the door wakes Dorothy. Her khaki uniform, grows
more uncomfortable with every passing hour.
At the door, Cartwright and a SECRET INTELLIGENCE OFFICER,
beckon her.
OFFICER CARTWRIGHT
We have come to take you away.
DOROTHY
Golly. Good morning to you too. Can
I put my boots on or am I not
allowed?

EXT. HEAD QUARTERS - DAY
Two horses wait outside. Interested ONLOOKERS pass to get a
good look.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
Have you an extra mount? As lovely
as you both are, I would rather
ride my own horse thank you very
much.
OFFICER CARTWRIGHT
We'll see what we can do.
The secret intelligence officer goes in search.
OFFICER CARTWRIGHT (CONT'D)
You've got yourself into a pretty
pickle haven't you?

If she replies, she will cry.

OFFICER CARTWRIGHT (CONT'D)
But what will they say at home?

DOROTHY
(Stern)
I simply don't care for what they
may say at home.

The secret intelligence officer returns with a mare.
1
03.

SECRET INTELLIGENCE OFFICER
You sure you can ride.
Dorothy snatches the rains.
DOROTHY
Well if I can spend ten days
undetected in this place, I'm
pretty sure I can ride a horse.
Genres: ["War","Drama","Comedy"]

Summary Dorothy's sarcastic wit and assertive nature are on display during her interrogation by Colonel Barrington. Despite her situation, she maintains a sense of humor and independence, as evidenced by her request for her own horse. Her defiance, coupled with her ability to connect with the audience through her humor, creates a moment of tension and amusement.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Engaging characters
  • Humor
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional depth
  • Some predictability in interactions

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively blends humor, drama, and defiance, creating a compelling and engaging moment in the story. The dialogue is sharp and witty, adding depth to the characters and advancing the plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a woman infiltrating the front lines during wartime and challenging societal norms is intriguing and well-executed. The scene explores themes of gender roles, bravery, and resilience.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Dorothy is taken away by the officers, adding tension and intrigue to the story. The scene sets up potential conflicts and challenges for the protagonist to face.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a strong female character who challenges traditional gender roles in a historical setting, adding a fresh perspective to familiar themes.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Dorothy, are well-developed and engaging. Dorothy's defiance and wit shine through in her interactions with the officers, showcasing her strong personality.

Character Changes: 6

Dorothy's character undergoes subtle changes as she navigates the challenges and expectations of the officers. Her defiance and wit remain consistent, but she also shows vulnerability and resilience.

Internal Goal: 8

Dorothy's internal goal in this scene is to maintain her composure and independence in the face of scrutiny and judgment from the Colonel and Officer Cartwright.

External Goal: 7

Dorothy's external goal is to navigate the situation she finds herself in with the secret intelligence officer and maintain her sense of control and agency.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

There is a moderate level of conflict in the scene, primarily driven by Dorothy's defiance and the officers' attempts to control her. The tension between the characters adds intrigue and sets up potential conflicts.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene adds complexity and challenge for the protagonist, creating a sense of uncertainty and conflict.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are moderately high as Dorothy faces interrogation and potential consequences for her actions. The scene sets up future challenges and conflicts that could have significant implications for the protagonist.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and conflicts for the protagonist. Dorothy's interactions with the officers set up potential plot developments and add depth to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected actions and responses of the characters, keeping the audience on their toes.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around gender roles and societal expectations, as Dorothy challenges traditional views of women's capabilities and independence.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 6

The scene elicits a range of emotions, from humor to defiance to tension. Dorothy's strong personality and resilience evoke empathy and admiration from the audience.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and engaging, adding depth to the characters and driving the scene forward. Dorothy's sarcastic remarks and defiance create a memorable and entertaining exchange.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the witty dialogue, tension between characters, and the unfolding mystery of Dorothy's situation.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression of events.


Critique
  • The dialogue between Dorothy and the Colonel lacks depth and substance. It comes off as superficial banter rather than a meaningful interaction.
  • The humor in the scene feels forced and doesn't quite land effectively. It seems like the audience's reaction is exaggerated compared to the actual content of the dialogue.
  • The transition from the mess hall to the sitting room feels abrupt and disjointed. There is a lack of smooth flow between the two settings.
  • Dorothy's responses to Officer Cartwright and the Secret Intelligence Officer come across as flippant and lacking in emotional depth, considering the gravity of the situation she is in.
  • The dialogue towards the end of the scene, especially Dorothy's stern response, feels out of place and doesn't align with the overall tone of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Add more depth to the conversation between Dorothy and the Colonel to make it more engaging and meaningful.
  • Work on the humor in the scene to make it more natural and organic, ensuring that the audience's reaction feels justified.
  • Smooth out the transition between the mess hall and the sitting room to create a more seamless flow between the settings.
  • Enhance Dorothy's emotional responses to the officers to reflect the seriousness of her situation and the weight of her actions.
  • Adjust Dorothy's dialogue towards the end to better fit the tone of the scene and maintain consistency in her character's demeanor.



Scene 37 -  Dorothy's Interrogation
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD. ALBERT - DAY
A brisk trot. Dorothy is struggling and hunched over trying
to manage her buxom breasts. She can't really ride a horse.
The men exchange a smirk.
The mare halts. Dorothy hangs on. She grunts. Whistles. Taps
her boots. The horse stays put.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
Now you listen to me you little
sod. I am in control here, not you.
We are females, we must stick
together.
The men try to contain their laughter.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
Do you wish to embarrass me in
front of these chaps? Listen to me
now, I'm going to click my heels
and when I do, you move. Got it?

Dorothy clicks her heels. No movement.

OFFICER CARTWRIGHT
Well, looks like you've met your
match. She's as stubborn as you
are.
DOROTHY
(To horse)
Did you hear that? Stubborn he
said. Well I fought in a war, so
how about that!

Dorothy clicks her heels. The horse bolts. Zooms past the
men.


EXT. FRENCH HAMLET. FARM - DAY

Outside a large farmhouse. A S.I CORPS OFFICER waits beside
an army truck.

Dismounting from the horses, Dorothy creaks in agony.
1
04.

S.I CORPS OFFICER
You're not to stay here. Come with
me.
DOROTHY
Listen. Can't we rest a while?
S.I CORPS OFFICER
Get in.
The truck door swings open.
OFFICER CARTWRIGHT
Well, looks like this is it.
Farewell Miss Lawrence. I hope you
found what you were looking for.
Dorothy searches for an answer. She can't give one.

EXT. SENLIS. OFFICERS MESS - NIGHT
The army truck pulls up outside the Officer's mess.

INT. OFFICER'S MESS. SIDE ROOM - NIGHT
Dorothy is placed in a small side room. A table with food is
laid out. The S.I Officer locks the door.

INT. SIDE ROOM - NIGHT
The tiny window overlooks the court yard. Car headlights come
into view.
A five foot high, stone-faced interrogator, MR RICE, gets
out, scurries towards the mess building. Officers engrossed
in conversation follow on.

INT. OFFICERS MESS - NIGHT
A shaded lamp illuminates the documents prepared for an
interrogation.
Mr Rice, smug and ruthless, sharpens a pencil.
Dorothy is escorted in. Mr Rice keeps her waiting whilst he
finishes signing a secret document.
Dorothy clears her throat. This gets his attention.
MR RICE
I've read your previous notes and
well, it's utter nonsense in my
eyes.
1
05.

DOROTHY
How so?
MR RICE
You expect us to believe that
someone like you can fool the
British army?
DOROTHY
I don't care if you believe me of
not. The fact is, I did so.
MR RICE
Don't be so hysterical. Who do you
work for?
DOROTHY
Well, I guess I work freelance.
MR RICE
Which government, which agency do
you work for?
DOROTHY
I am not a spy.
MR RICE
You'll have to be more convincing
then that young lady.
DOROTHY
You have my passport. My documents.
MR RICE
Forged.
DOROTHY
No. Real.
MR RICE
You do know the penalty for German
spies don't you?
DOROTHY
Nien.
Defiant laughter follows.
MR RICE
Very good. Maybe Miss Lawrence will
be better suited to more
appropriate accommodation.
Genres: ["War","Drama","Historical"]

Summary Dorothy struggles to ride a horse, finally succeeding by clicking her heels. She is then taken to an officer's mess and interrogated by Mr. Rice, who suspects her of being a German spy. Dorothy denies the accusations, leading to a tense confrontation and a threat of being moved to different accommodation.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Tense atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched elements in the interrogation scene

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is engaging, with a good balance of tension, humor, and defiance. It keeps the audience intrigued and entertained.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a young woman disguised as a man being interrogated as a spy during wartime is compelling and well-executed.

Plot: 7

The plot advances as Dorothy faces interrogation and defiance, adding depth to her character and the overall story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh perspective on wartime narratives, focusing on a female protagonist's struggles and challenges. The dialogue is authentic and engaging, adding a unique touch to the familiar setting.


Character Development

Characters: 9

Dorothy's strong-willed and defiant personality shines through, while Mr. Rice's ruthless interrogation adds tension and conflict.

Character Changes: 6

Dorothy's defiance and resilience are further highlighted, showing her growth and strength.

Internal Goal: 8

Dorothy's internal goal is to assert her independence and prove her worth, especially in a male-dominated environment. She wants to show that she is capable and strong, despite the challenges she faces.

External Goal: 7

Dorothy's external goal is to navigate the challenges of being in a war zone and facing interrogation. She wants to survive and prove her innocence.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Dorothy and Mr. Rice creates a tense and engaging atmosphere.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Dorothy facing skepticism and interrogation from Mr. Rice. The audience is left wondering how she will overcome these challenges.

High Stakes: 7

The high stakes of Dorothy being accused of being a spy add tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing more about Dorothy's character and the challenges she faces.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in Dorothy's interactions with the horse and Mr. Rice. The audience is kept on their toes, unsure of how the scene will unfold.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the struggle between truth and perception. Dorothy is trying to convince Mr. Rice of her innocence, but he is skeptical and believes she is a spy.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene evokes a range of emotions from defiance to tension to amusement.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, witty, and reveals the characters' personalities effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its blend of humor, tension, and character dynamics. The audience is drawn into Dorothy's journey and the challenges she faces.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective, building tension and suspense as Dorothy navigates the challenges she faces. The rhythm of the dialogue and actions adds to the scene's impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene descriptions and character actions. The dialogue is well-written and adds depth to the characters.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character arcs and plot progression. The pacing is effective, leading to a climactic interrogation scene.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of Dorothy's struggle to ride the horse due to her buxom breasts. This detail could be confusing and distracting for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Dorothy and the horse, while attempting to be humorous, comes off as forced and unrealistic. The humor feels out of place given the serious tone of the overall story.
  • The interaction with Officer Cartwright and the S.I Corps Officer feels rushed and lacks depth. More development of these characters and their motivations could enhance the scene.
  • The transition from the horse riding struggle to the arrival at the farmhouse feels abrupt and disjointed. A smoother transition would improve the flow of the scene.
  • The interrogation scene with Mr. Rice lacks subtlety and nuance. The dialogue is heavy-handed and the conflict between Dorothy and Mr. Rice feels too direct.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the horse riding struggle to focus on Dorothy's determination and resilience rather than her physical attributes.
  • Refine the dialogue between Dorothy and the horse to make it more natural and in line with the overall tone of the screenplay.
  • Add more depth to the interactions with Officer Cartwright and the S.I Corps Officer to create a more engaging and meaningful exchange.
  • Smooth out the transition between the horse riding scene and the arrival at the farmhouse to improve the pacing and coherence of the scene.
  • Enhance the interrogation scene by introducing more subtlety and complexity to the conflict between Dorothy and Mr. Rice, creating a more compelling dynamic.



Scene 38 -  Unwavering Conviction
INT. CELL - LATER
Dark. Damp. Cold. A mattress on the floor.
1
06.

A plate of porridge sits uneaten. Dorothy's shivers,
uncontrollably.

INT. MESS HALL - NIGHT
Another interrogation. Mr Rice eats colourful, delicious food
in front of her.
MR RICE (CONT'D)
Just admit who you really are and
all this will be forgotten.
DOROTHY
You silly small man. I pity you and
your height.

INT. CELL - NIGHT
Two guards throw her in. No food waiting. The coughing
starts. Sweats. Hand tremors, the works.

INT. MESS HALL - NIGHT
Steam filters from hot coco. Mr Rice blows to cool it. Pale.
Tired. Truly sick. Dorothy is in a state of desperation.
MR RICE
You don't look at all well Miss
Lawrence. Make things easy for
yourself. Who are you?
A huge burst of energy.
DOROTHY
I am Dorothy Lawrence. Royal
engineers 51st division. 79th
tunnelling co. A war correspondent.
An English girl who fought for my
country. Now you can sit there,
hoping I will confess to something
that I am not, or you can let me
go...Sir!
The colour drains from his face.

INT. CELL - NIGHT
Exhaustion leads to fits of crying. The fever causes
illusions. Looking down at her trembling hands - blood drips
from her fingers.
Dunn's face flashes in the shadows. She hits out. Screams.
Total madness.
1
07.

INT. QUESTIONING ROOM - DAY
A private court martial.
A middle-aged SIR CHARLES MUNRO. Very eyebrow. Sharp suited.
Speaks in private to two BRITISH GENERALS.
In attendance, several ENGLISH OFFICERS and KHAKI SOLDIERS,
poised in anticipation. A SHORTHAND REPORTER, prepares.
SIR CHARLES MUNRO
Seems like Mr Rice, our top
interrogator, couldn't crack you.
The dryness of her cough echoes through the room.
DOROTHY
There is nothing to crack.
SIR CHARLES MUNRO
We just need to make sure. You
understand that?
DOROTHY
I understand that you are men.
You're threatened by what I have
achieved. A woman no least.
SIR CHARLES MUNRO
Espionage comes with a hefty
punishment Miss Lawrence. A
summons. Imprisonment or shooting.
DOROTHY
Well you might as well shoot me
now. I am no spy, nor will I admit
to being one. I know you are deeply
worried, that I have beaten your
system. That virtually you rest in
my hands, not I in yours.
Genres: ["War","Drama"]

Summary Interrogated and accused of espionage, Dorothy Lawrence, a war correspondent, firmly denies the charges. Despite threats and risks, she stands by her innocence. In a confrontation during a court martial, she challenges the British authorities' patriarchal attitudes, vowing never to betray her country or her principles.
Strengths
  • Strong and defiant protagonist
  • Intense emotional impact
  • Sharp dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some may find the scene too intense or emotionally heavy

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene is intense, emotionally charged, and pivotal in the development of the protagonist. It effectively conveys the character's strength and defiance in the face of adversity.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a female protagonist challenging authority and refusing to conform to societal expectations in a war setting is compelling and thought-provoking.

Plot: 8

The plot is driven by the interrogation of the protagonist and her unwavering refusal to admit to being a spy. It adds tension and conflict to the scene.

Originality: 9

The scene presents a fresh take on interrogation and imprisonment, with a strong female protagonist challenging authority figures. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Dorothy Lawrence, are well-developed and showcase depth, resilience, and defiance. Their interactions drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 8

The protagonist undergoes a significant emotional journey, showcasing resilience, defiance, and a refusal to conform to societal expectations.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to maintain her identity and integrity in the face of interrogation and imprisonment. She desires to prove her loyalty to her country and herself.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to resist the pressure to confess to being a spy and to assert her innocence and identity.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the protagonist and the interrogators, as well as the internal conflict within the protagonist, is intense and drives the scene forward.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing threats and pressure from the authority figures.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high as the protagonist faces the threat of imprisonment or execution for refusing to admit to being a spy.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by highlighting the protagonist's unwavering determination and defiance in the face of adversity.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable in its outcome, keeping the audience on edge as they wonder how the protagonist will navigate the interrogation.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict is between the protagonist's belief in her own integrity and the authority figures' suspicion and threats. It challenges traditional gender roles and societal expectations.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, including defiance, desperation, and madness, making it impactful and memorable.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is sharp, impactful, and reveals the strength and determination of the protagonist. It effectively conveys the power dynamics at play.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to the high stakes, emotional intensity, and the protagonist's strong presence.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, effectively guiding the reader through the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format that effectively conveys the tension and conflict between the characters.


Critique
  • The scene lacks clear transitions between the different locations, making it slightly confusing for the audience to follow Dorothy's journey from the cell to the mess hall and back.
  • The dialogue between Dorothy and Mr. Rice feels a bit forced and melodramatic, especially with Dorothy's sarcastic and defiant responses. It could benefit from more subtlety and nuance.
  • The physical symptoms Dorothy experiences, such as shivering, coughing, and hand tremors, are portrayed in a somewhat exaggerated manner, bordering on cliched representations of illness and desperation.
  • The interaction between Dorothy and Sir Charles Munro feels a bit rushed and lacks depth. More exploration of the power dynamics and emotional stakes between them could add complexity to the scene.
  • The transition from Dorothy's fits of crying and fever-induced illusions to the private court martial with Sir Charles Munro feels abrupt and disjointed, making it challenging for the audience to fully engage with Dorothy's emotional journey.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding smoother transitions between the different locations to improve the flow of the scene and enhance the audience's understanding of Dorothy's emotional state.
  • Refine the dialogue between Dorothy and Mr. Rice to make it more authentic and less melodramatic, focusing on subtlety and emotional depth.
  • Tone down the exaggerated physical symptoms Dorothy experiences to create a more realistic portrayal of her illness and desperation.
  • Expand on the interaction between Dorothy and Sir Charles Munro to delve deeper into the power dynamics and emotional complexity of their confrontation.
  • Work on creating a more seamless transition from Dorothy's moments of madness to the private court martial to ensure a smoother narrative progression and emotional impact.



Scene 39 -  Rescue from Torment
INT. CELL - DAY
Rats invade the cell and eat her porridge. Sedate and empty,
Dorothy watches them.

DAYDREAM - DUNN
sits in the shadows. Watching her. Dorothy can't bare to
look.
DUNN
Yer alright girl. Stay strong.
DOROTHY
I'm so sorry. You saved my life.
1
08.

DUNN
You would have done the same for
me. Rest now.
DOROTHY
I'll always remember you.
END OF DAYDREAM
The cell door swings open. Snapping her out of her torment.
A strong, chivalrous, CAPTAIN BARNES, warms her with a smile.
CAPTAIN BARNES
Are you Miss Lawrence?
DOROTHY
I am.
CAPTAIN BARNES
I am Captain Barnes. I have come to
take you away.
An instant hero.

INT. ARMY TRUCK - NIGHT
The army truck carries Dorothy to her new destination.
CAPTAIN BARNES (CONT'D)
If you try to escape, I'll have no
choice but to shoot you in the leg.
Understand?
DOROTHY
A bullet in the leg would be
welcomed after the torment I've
just gone through.
CAPTAIN BARNES
I'm afraid it isn't over yet.
DOROTHY
Why did you help me?
CAPTAIN BARNES
As soon as I heard a female
prisoner was being kept in squalor,
I had to act. I told them I had
acquaintance with you from back in
London. They protested of course,
but eventually, they agreed to pass
you over to me.
DOROTHY
Thank you.
1
09.

CAPTAIN BARNES
They simply don't know what to make
of you. Such conduct as yours
completely disarms these men.
DOROTHY
I've told the absolute truth.
CAPTAIN BARNES
Yes, that's what puzzles them. It
is your truthfulness really that
causes complications.
DOROTHY
Where are we going?
CAPTAIN BARNES
Somewhere safe.
Genres: ["War","Drama"]

Summary Dorothy finds solace in her cell when Captain Barnes rescues her from her tormentors and takes her to safety.
Strengths
  • Strong emotional depth
  • Compelling character dynamics
  • Tense and dramatic conflict
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more nuanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene is emotionally impactful, with strong character dynamics and a compelling plot that moves the story forward.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a female spy navigating the dangers of war and facing interrogation is engaging and well-executed.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with tension, emotional depth, and significant character development.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar setting of a prison cell but adds originality through the introduction of Captain Barnes and the philosophical conflict surrounding truthfulness.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Dorothy and Dunn, are well-rounded, with complex emotions and motivations driving their actions.

Character Changes: 8

Dorothy undergoes significant emotional growth and resilience in the scene, particularly in her interactions with Dunn.

Internal Goal: 8

Dorothy's internal goal in this scene is to find strength and resilience in the face of adversity. She is grappling with feelings of guilt and gratitude towards Dunn, as well as uncertainty about her future.

External Goal: 9

Dorothy's external goal is to escape her torment and find safety. She is presented with a new opportunity for freedom through Captain Barnes' intervention.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict between Dorothy and her captors, as well as the internal conflict she faces, adds tension and drama to the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Dorothy facing internal and external challenges that test her resilience and determination.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high for Dorothy, facing interrogation, imprisonment, and potential execution, adding urgency and tension to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new challenges and developments for Dorothy, setting up future conflicts and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

The scene is unpredictable in its introduction of Captain Barnes and the unexpected turn of events for Dorothy, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around truthfulness and its consequences. Dorothy's honesty complicates her situation and challenges the beliefs of those around her.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions, particularly in Dorothy's interactions with Dunn and her defiance in the face of adversity.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue is impactful, with moments of tension, emotion, and defiance adding depth to the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional depth, character development, and the introduction of new challenges and opportunities for the protagonist.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, balancing moments of tension and reflection to keep the audience engaged and invested in Dorothy's story.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene is well-formatted and follows the expected format for a screenplay, making it easy to read and visualize.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with a setup, conflict, and resolution, effectively advancing the narrative.


Critique
  • The scene starts with a powerful visual of rats invading Dorothy's cell, which sets a tone of despair and isolation. This imagery effectively conveys Dorothy's deteriorating mental state.
  • The daydream sequence with Dunn provides a poignant moment of reflection and regret for Dorothy, showcasing her emotional turmoil and the impact of Dunn's sacrifice on her.
  • Captain Barnes' entrance brings a sense of hope and relief to the scene, contrasting with the bleakness of Dorothy's situation. His chivalrous demeanor adds depth to his character and creates a moment of redemption for Dorothy.
  • The dialogue between Dorothy and Captain Barnes reveals important information about Dorothy's treatment and the perception of her by the authorities. It also hints at the complexities of her character and the challenges she faces as a woman in a male-dominated environment.
  • The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue by hinting at Dorothy's uncertain future and the mysteries surrounding her situation.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal monologue or emotional cues to further explore Dorothy's inner struggles and fears.
  • Enhance the interaction between Dorothy and Captain Barnes to deepen their relationship and highlight the contrast between their characters.
  • Introduce subtle hints or foreshadowing about Dorothy's upcoming challenges or conflicts to maintain the audience's interest and anticipation.
  • Explore the theme of gender dynamics and power struggles more explicitly through the dialogue and interactions between characters.
  • Consider incorporating symbolic elements or motifs to enhance the thematic depth of the scene and reinforce the emotional impact on the audience.



Scene 40 -  A Place of Refuge
EXT. LE CONVENT DE BON PASTEUR - LATER
A formidable wall, resembles a prison.
CAPTAIN BARNES (CONT'D)
You're to be placed here.
DOROTHY
A prison!
CAPTAIN BARNES
No. It is Le Convent de bon
Pasteur. It's the safest place for
you now.

INT. LE CONVENT DE BON PASTEUR - MOMENTS LATER
A great door, already ajar. A small room flanked by an iron
grill. This grill separates the room from all other parts of
the building.
The LA MERE enters. A black robed petite woman. Welcoming.
Kind eyes.
CAPTAIN BARNES (CONT'D)
Dorothy Lawrence, Sister.
The La Mere takes a silent note of Dorothy's appearance. A
damaged soldier without a war.
LA MERE
Follow me please.
One last gesture from Captain Barnes sends her on her way.
1
10.

INT. CONVENT. CORRIDORS - NIGHT
A long stone corridor. Their footsteps, hollow.

INT. CONVENT. BEDROOM - LATER
The bedroom is clean. Basic. Heaven in Dorothy's eyes. A
large stone carving of a saint, looms over the single bed.
LA MERE (CONT'D)
I feel you will be most comfortable
here.
A basic white dress. Stockings. Clean shoes. Folded neatly on
the mattress. The best gift she has ever received.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
A nightmare takes Dorothy into a frenzy. She screams and
rages like a trapped rat.
Nuns attend the disturbance and try to calm her.

INT. BEDROOM - DAY
Numbness, depression force Dorothy to her bed. Nuns bring her
food. A kind word. Nothing helps.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
More nuns try to control the savagery of Dorothy's night
terrors. They forcefully restrain her.
Antoine watches from the shadows.

INT. BEDROOM - DAY
With eyes weighing heavy, Dorothy peers out of the window.
It's sunny out. CHILDREN play freely with nuns in the court
yard.
At the iron gate, soldiers wait to speak with Dorothy.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
The corner of the room hides Dorothy's sobs. Her memories
haunt her.
Dunn watches over her in the shadows.
1
11.

INT. BEDROOM - DAY
On the table is a blank writing pad. She wants to write, but
the tremor in her hands reminds her of her suffering.
With force, the pencil connects with the paper.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Silence. All is well. Sleep at last. A couple of nuns keep
watch.
Genres: ["War","Drama"]

Summary At Le Convent de bon Pasteur, Dorothy receives refuge and care. Despite her nightmares and trauma, the nuns provide comfort and support. As she settles into the sanctuary, she finds a glimmer of peace.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Tension building
  • Contrast of settings
Weaknesses
  • Possible pacing issues
  • Lack of clarity in some character motivations

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys the emotional turmoil and trauma experienced by Dorothy, the tension between the characters, and the contrast between the harsh realities of war and the sanctuary of the convent. The scene is impactful and sets the stage for further character development and plot progression.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of seeking refuge in a convent during wartime, the internal struggles and trauma faced by the characters, and the juxtaposition of peace and chaos are well executed. The scene effectively explores themes of trauma, compassion, and defiance.

Plot: 7

The plot focuses on Dorothy seeking refuge in the convent, her internal struggles and trauma, and the interactions with the nuns and other characters. The scene sets up further developments in Dorothy's journey and relationships.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a unique setting of a convent resembling a prison and explores the internal struggles of the protagonist in a nuanced way. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters, especially Dorothy and the nuns, are well-developed and show depth in their emotions and interactions. Dorothy's internal turmoil and trauma are effectively portrayed, while the nuns provide care and compassion in the midst of war.

Character Changes: 8

Dorothy undergoes significant emotional turmoil and trauma in the scene, which leads to a change in her character. The interactions with the nuns and the haunting memories she faces contribute to her character development.

Internal Goal: 8

Dorothy's internal goal is to cope with her trauma and find a sense of peace or comfort in her new surroundings.

External Goal: 7

Dorothy's external goal is to navigate her new environment and interact with the people around her, including the nuns and soldiers.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The scene contains internal conflicts within Dorothy, as well as tensions between her and the nuns. The trauma and emotional turmoil faced by the characters create a sense of conflict and struggle.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong enough to create conflict and challenge the protagonist, adding depth to the narrative.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Dorothy as she grapples with trauma, internal turmoil, and the threat of imprisonment or execution. The scene conveys the risks and challenges faced by the characters in a wartime setting.

Story Forward: 7

The scene moves the story forward by exploring Dorothy's emotional journey, her interactions with the nuns, and the internal conflicts she faces. The scene sets up further developments in the plot and character arcs.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected nature of Dorothy's night terrors and the mystery surrounding her past.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict is between Dorothy's inner turmoil and the external facade she presents to others. She struggles with her past trauma while trying to maintain composure in front of the nuns and soldiers.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes strong emotions of sadness, fear, and compassion, as the characters grapple with trauma and turmoil. The emotional impact is heightened by the contrast between the peaceful setting of the convent and the harsh realities of war.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and tensions between the characters, particularly Dorothy and the nuns. The conversations reveal the internal struggles and conflicts faced by the characters.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, character development, and the mystery surrounding Dorothy's past trauma.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, allowing for moments of introspection and emotional impact.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for a screenplay, with proper scene headings, descriptions, and dialogue.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a structured format with clear transitions between different locations and events, maintaining coherence and flow.


Critique
  • The transition from the outdoor setting to the convent could be smoother to enhance the flow of the scene.
  • The introduction of La Mere as a character could be more impactful to establish her role in Dorothy's journey.
  • The description of Dorothy's nightmare and frenzy could be more vivid to evoke a stronger emotional response from the audience.
  • The depiction of Dorothy's numbness and depression could be more nuanced to convey the depth of her emotional turmoil.
  • The interaction between Dorothy and the nuns during her night terrors could be more intense to highlight the struggle she is facing.
  • The presence of Antoine watching from the shadows adds an intriguing element that could be further explored to enhance the tension in the scene.
  • The portrayal of Dorothy's attempts to write despite her trembling hands could be more poignant to emphasize her determination and inner turmoil.
  • The final moment of Dorothy finding peace and sleep could be more impactful to signify a turning point in her emotional journey.
Suggestions
  • Consider refining the transition between the outdoor setting and the convent to create a seamless shift in location.
  • Enhance the introduction of La Mere as a character by highlighting her significance in Dorothy's story.
  • Amplify the description of Dorothy's nightmare and frenzy to evoke a stronger emotional reaction from the audience.
  • Deepen the portrayal of Dorothy's numbness and depression to convey the complexity of her emotional state.
  • Intensify the interaction between Dorothy and the nuns during her night terrors to emphasize the internal struggle she is facing.
  • Further explore the presence of Antoine watching from the shadows to add depth to the tension in the scene.
  • Heighten the portrayal of Dorothy's determination to write despite her trembling hands to underscore her inner strength.
  • Strengthen the final moment of Dorothy finding peace and sleep to signify a significant emotional turning point in her journey.



Scene 41 -  Dorothy's Triumph and Departure
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
The writing pad is full of her stories. With every word
written, the healthier she becomes.

EXT. COURT YARD - DAY
Nuns play games with the children. At least Dorothy is
outside.
Soldiers call to her from the iron grate. They have gifts.

INT. BEDROOM - DAY
Three writing pads are full. The glow in Dorothy has
returned.
SUPER: ONE MONTH LATER
Books and Souvenirs fill her bedroom. From the window,
CHILDREN shout up to Dorothy.
CHILDREN
M'delle Anglaise! Please come out
to Play!

EXT. COURT YARD - DAY
Capitaved Nuns gather around Dorothy telling her stories.

EXT. IRON BARS - DAY
Two young OFFICERS wait with papers in hand. On approaching,
Dorothy greets them like old friends.
DOROTHY
You boys are making a habit of
this.
1
12.

YOUNG OFFICER
Miss Lawrence, I'm afraid I must
ask you to sign this.
On reading the papers, her legs nearly buckle.
DOROTHY
My freedom.

EXT. LE CONVENT DE BON PASTEUR - LATER
Nuns gather to wave Dorothy away. From the back of the army
trunk, her tears of joy with sacred gifts clutched in her
hands.

EXT. BOULOGNE PORT - LATER
On boarding the boat, a last look. Full of mixed feelings.
ON THE BOAT
France, a distant speck on the horizon. Homeward bound, never
felt so euphoric.
END OF FLASHBACK

INT. FRIERN HOSPITAL. VISITING ROOM - DAY
The last full stop. Note pads full. Silence.
Mary, deeply effected, looks to Simon for a reaction, who
sits nonplussed.
DOROTHY (CONT'D)
I think that's everything.

EXT. FRIERN HOSPITAL. GROUNDS - LATER
Silence as Mary and Simon try to comprehend the story.
MARY
Such an amazing woman.
SIMON
I'll give you that. Her story on
the other hand.
MARY
You still don't believe her.
SIMON
I want too...You've got to
understand where she is Mary.
(MORE)
1
13.
SIMON (CONT'D)
Not just here, but in her head.
It's a good story, but that's all
it is.
He leaves. Mary looks back at the building one last time.
Genres: ["Drama","War"]

Summary Dorothy's writing heals her, granting her freedom and a sense of euphoria. The nuns and children shower her with love, and she bids farewell with a newfound glow. Mary is deeply moved by Dorothy's story, but Simon remains unconvinced.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Compelling themes
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Pacing could be improved in certain sections

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8

The scene effectively conveys Dorothy's emotional and psychological journey, with a mix of positive and negative sentiments that keep the audience engaged. The tone is consistent and the themes are well-developed.


Story Content

Concept: 7

The concept of Dorothy's redemption and healing after experiencing trauma is well-executed. The scene effectively explores her inner struggles and growth.

Plot: 8

The plot is engaging and moves the story forward by showing Dorothy's progress from a state of despair to a more hopeful outlook. The conflict and stakes are well-established.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh perspective on themes of freedom and self-realization, with authentic character interactions and dialogue that add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters, especially Dorothy, are well-developed and undergo significant changes throughout the scene. Their interactions and dialogue are compelling.

Character Changes: 9

Dorothy undergoes significant character development, transitioning from a state of despair to a more hopeful and resilient mindset. Her growth is central to the scene.

Internal Goal: 8

Dorothy's internal goal is to regain her freedom, as symbolized by her reaction to the papers presented to her by the young officers. This reflects her desire for autonomy and independence.

External Goal: 7

Dorothy's external goal is to sign the papers presented to her by the young officers, which represent her freedom from confinement. This goal reflects the immediate challenge she faces in the scene.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The conflict in the scene is primarily internal, as Dorothy grapples with her past traumas and struggles to find hope and healing. The stakes are high for her emotional well-being.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as Dorothy faces internal doubts and external challenges that test her resolve.

High Stakes: 7

The stakes are high for Dorothy's emotional well-being and her journey towards healing. The outcome of her internal struggles has significant implications for her character.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by showing Dorothy's progress and setting up future developments. It adds depth to the narrative and keeps the audience engaged.

Unpredictability: 7

The scene is unpredictable in terms of Dorothy's emotional journey and the resolution of her internal and external conflicts.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the belief in Dorothy's story. Simon doubts the authenticity of her experiences, while Mary sees her as an amazing woman. This challenges their beliefs about truth and perception.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, as it delves into Dorothy's inner turmoil and her journey towards healing. The audience is likely to feel a range of emotions while watching.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and motivations of the characters. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the character development.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging due to its emotional depth, character development, and thematic resonance, drawing the audience into Dorothy's story.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional resonance, enhancing the impact of Dorothy's journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting adheres to the expected format for its genre, enhancing the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a coherent structure that effectively conveys Dorothy's journey towards freedom and self-acceptance.


Critique
  • The transition between the bedroom and the courtyard scenes feels abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the story.
  • The interaction with the soldiers through the iron grate could be more impactful and emotionally resonant to highlight Dorothy's connection with them.
  • The scene lacks depth in exploring Dorothy's emotional journey and the impact of her experiences on her mental health and well-being.
  • The dialogue between Dorothy and the young officers could be more engaging and reflective of the weight of her newfound freedom.
  • The emotional climax of Dorothy boarding the boat and feeling euphoric could be heightened with more descriptive language and sensory details.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a transitional element between the bedroom and courtyard scenes to create a smoother narrative flow.
  • Enhance the interaction with the soldiers through the iron grate to evoke a stronger emotional response from both Dorothy and the audience.
  • Delve deeper into Dorothy's emotional state and the impact of her experiences on her mental health to add layers of complexity to the scene.
  • Revise the dialogue between Dorothy and the young officers to convey the weight of her newfound freedom and the significance of the moment.
  • Add more descriptive language and sensory details to the scene of Dorothy boarding the boat to heighten the emotional climax and create a more vivid image for the audience.



Scene 42 -  Dorothy's Last Night
INT. DOROTHY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
A small jewellery box containing the Bailly's letter, the two
bullet casings, the harebell flower and her I.D badge are
fondly examined.
Dorothy, at peace gets into bed and falls into a deep sleep,
one she'll never wake from.

EXT. BOAT - FLASHBACK
The channel never looks so beautiful. England comes into view
and Dorothy takes in every moment.
SUPER:
DOROTHY LAWRENCE SPENT TEN NIGHTS AT THE FRONT LINE.
SHE WAS INTERROGATED ON TWELVE SEPARATE OCCASIONS FOR
ESPIONAGE.
ON HER RETURN TO ENGLAND, SHE WAS FORBIDDEN TO WRITE ABOUT
EXPERIENCE UNTIL AFTER THE WAR.
IN 1919, HER BOOK 'SAPPER DOROTHY' WAS PUBLISHED. IT WAS NOT
A SUCCESS.
IN 1925, DOROTHY WAS COMMITTED TO LONDON COUNTY MENTAL
HOSPITAL FOR NERVOUS DISPOSITION AND A FRANTIC MIND.
THE NEXT THIRTY NINE YEARS, UNTIL HER DEATH, SHE SPENT IN
SECURE HOSPITALS.
TO ALL THE MEN AND WOMEN WHO RISK THEIR LIVES AND MINDS IN
THE FIGHT FOR FREEDOM. LEST WE FORGET.
FADE OUT:
Genres: ["War","Historical","Drama"]

Summary Dorothy, alone in her bedroom at night, examines a small jewellery box containing mementos of her wartime experiences and personal struggles. As she falls into a peaceful sleep, title cards provide glimpses of her wartime experiences and subsequent mental health challenges.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Resilient characters
  • Poignant resolution
Weaknesses
  • Limited exploration of supporting characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9

The scene effectively conveys a range of emotions and themes, culminating in a poignant and memorable conclusion to Dorothy's story.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a female soldier's struggle during World War I is compelling and thought-provoking, shedding light on the challenges faced by women in a male-dominated environment.

Plot: 9

The plot is engaging and emotionally impactful, with a strong focus on Dorothy's journey and the sacrifices she makes. The resolution ties up her story in a poignant and meaningful way.

Originality: 9

The scene offers a fresh approach to the portrayal of war correspondents and the challenges they face post-war. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

Dorothy is a complex and resilient character, showcasing both vulnerability and strength. The supporting characters, such as Dunn and the nuns, add depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Dorothy undergoes significant emotional and psychological changes throughout the scene, from defiance to acceptance, showcasing her growth and resilience in the face of adversity.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to find peace and closure after enduring the traumas of war and the subsequent struggles she faced. It reflects her deeper need for acceptance and understanding of her experiences, as well as her fears and desires for a sense of belonging and recognition.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to come to terms with her past and the consequences of her actions as a war correspondent. It reflects the immediate challenges she faces in dealing with her mental health and societal expectations.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene is filled with internal and external conflicts, from Dorothy's struggle with her identity to the challenges she faces in a war-torn environment. These conflicts drive the narrative forward and add depth to the story.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the protagonist faces internal and external challenges that shape her character development and the overall narrative.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, as Dorothy faces imprisonment, interrogation, and the consequences of her actions as a female soldier in a male-dominated war environment.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward, resolving Dorothy's journey in a meaningful and impactful way while setting the stage for the next chapter in the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable in its portrayal of the protagonist's fate and the consequences of her actions, keeping the audience engaged and uncertain of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the juxtaposition of the heroism and sacrifice of individuals in war with the harsh realities and consequences they face upon their return. This challenges the protagonist's beliefs in the nobility of war and the treatment of those who participated.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene evokes a strong emotional response from the audience, ranging from sadness to hopefulness, as Dorothy's journey comes to a tragic yet poignant conclusion.

Dialogue: 7

The dialogue effectively conveys the emotions and motivations of the characters, particularly Dorothy's defiance and resilience in the face of adversity.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional depth, historical context, and the protagonist's compelling journey of self-discovery and acceptance.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively conveys the emotional weight of the protagonist's journey, allowing for moments of reflection and introspection.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and descriptive narrative elements.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively transitioning between present and flashback sequences to convey the protagonist's journey.


Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear transition from the present to the flashback on the boat, which can be confusing for the audience.
  • The use of a flashback in this final scene may disrupt the flow of the narrative and feel disjointed.
  • The information provided in the flashback about Dorothy's post-war life feels rushed and could benefit from more development and emotional depth.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues or emotional cues to convey Dorothy's internal struggles and the impact of her experiences.
  • The ending feels abrupt and could be more impactful with a stronger emotional resonance.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to have a smoother transition between the present and the flashback on the boat.
  • Instead of a flashback, consider incorporating Dorothy's post-war struggles and mental health challenges into the present narrative to provide a more cohesive and emotionally resonant ending.
  • Add more visual and emotional cues to convey Dorothy's internal struggles and the weight of her experiences throughout the scene.
  • Expand on Dorothy's emotional journey and the impact of her experiences in a way that allows the audience to fully empathize with her.
  • Consider ending the scene on a more poignant note that leaves a lasting impact on the audience.