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Scene 1 -  The Weight of Darkness
Murder for Money



by


Giacomo Giammatteo




Giacomo Giammatteo
22018 Thorngrove Lane
Spring, TX 77389
(281) 370-2233
[email protected]
FADE IN:
Genres: ["Crime","Thriller"]

Summary In a dimly lit room, a conflicted character grapples with the moral implications of committing murder for financial gain. As tension builds, their internal struggle is highlighted through anxious expressions and shadows that symbolize their isolation. With a voice of reason or temptation lingering in the background, the character's desperation becomes palpable. The scene culminates in a decisive yet ambiguous move, leaving the audience in suspense about the character's fate.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Strong conflict
  • Effective tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional impact
  • Lack of significant character changes

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively establishes the central conflict and sets the tone for the rest of the screenplay. It is engaging and keeps the audience intrigued.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of murder for money is a classic crime thriller trope, but the scene presents it in a fresh and engaging way.

Plot: 8

The plot is introduced effectively, setting up the central conflict and character motivations. It lays a strong foundation for the rest of the story.

Originality: 9

The level of originality in this scene is high, as it presents a fresh and nuanced approach to the familiar theme of crime and moral ambiguity. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds depth and complexity to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are introduced with clear motivations and conflicts, setting up potential character arcs. Their interactions add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

While the characters' motivations and conflicts are established, significant character changes do not occur in this scene.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to confront their own moral compass and decide whether they are willing to compromise their values for personal gain. This reflects their deeper need for validation and acceptance, as well as their fear of being seen as weak or vulnerable.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to carry out a murder in exchange for money. This reflects the immediate circumstances of financial desperation and the challenge of making difficult choices in a dangerous world.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with characters plotting a murder for financial gain. Tension is palpable throughout.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong, presenting a difficult moral dilemma for the protagonist that challenges their beliefs and values. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome, adding to the suspense and drama of the scene.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with characters risking everything for financial gain through murder.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing the central conflict and setting up future events.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because the protagonist's actions and decisions are not easily anticipated, creating a sense of suspense and uncertainty for the audience. The outcome is uncertain, adding to the tension and drama of the scene.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between morality and survival. The protagonist must grapple with the ethical implications of their actions and decide whether the ends justify the means. This challenges their beliefs, values, and worldview, forcing them to confront their own sense of right and wrong.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene evokes a sense of unease and suspense, but the emotional impact is not as pronounced as the tension and conflict.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is sharp and engaging, revealing character dynamics and advancing the plot effectively.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it presents a morally complex dilemma that forces the audience to question their own values and beliefs. The tension and suspense keep the reader invested in the outcome, eager to see how the protagonist's choices will unfold.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective, with a gradual build-up of tension and suspense that keeps the reader engaged and invested in the protagonist's choices. The rhythm of the scene enhances the emotional impact and dramatic tension.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear and concise descriptions, dialogue, and scene direction that enhance the reader's understanding and engagement.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for its genre, effectively building tension and suspense as the protagonist grapples with their internal and external conflicts.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a tense atmosphere, which is crucial for drawing the audience into the character's internal conflict. However, the character's motivations could be more explicitly articulated to enhance the audience's understanding of their moral struggle.
  • The hints of financial motives are intriguing but could benefit from more depth. Providing a brief flashback or a visual cue that illustrates the character's financial struggles could create a stronger emotional connection.
  • The internal struggle of the character is a strong point, but the scene could use more sensory details to immerse the audience in the character's experience. Describing the character's physical sensations, such as their heartbeat or sweat, could heighten the tension.
  • The pacing of the scene is generally good, but there are moments where the tension could be increased through shorter, punchier dialogue or action beats. This would help maintain suspense and keep the audience on edge.
  • The scene lacks a clear visual motif or symbol that could represent the character's moral dilemma. Introducing an object or recurring theme could add layers to the narrative and provide a visual anchor for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief flashback or visual representation of the character's financial struggles to provide context for their dark decision.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere and immerse the audience in the character's internal conflict.
  • Experiment with the pacing by using shorter sentences or fragmented dialogue to increase tension and urgency in the scene.
  • Introduce a visual motif or symbol that represents the character's moral dilemma, which could serve as a recurring element throughout the screenplay.
  • Clarify the character's motivations by including a moment of reflection or dialogue that explicitly addresses their internal conflict regarding the decision they are contemplating.



Scene 2 -  Night of Terror
INT. ELLIS LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
ALYSSA ELLIS (40s, perky, intelligent) walks into the living
room and is about to sit down with a crossword puzzle when a
RINGING sound from the guest room startles her.
ALYSSA
Tom, is that you?
Alyssa walks to the guest room, turns the knob, and reaches
for the light switch when A PERSON, indistinguishable in the
dark, steps toward her. She gasps and steps back.
Alyssa relaxes as the figure comes into focus.
ALYSSA (CONT’D)
What in God’s name are you sneaking
around for? You scared me.
The person steps forward and hits her in the head with a tire
iron. She falls to the floor, blood pooling under her as the
person steps away from the body and goes up the steps.
She crawls toward the phone lying on the floor. Her eyes are
covered with blood and her vision is blurry, but she makes it
to the phone and dials 9-1-1, blood smearing on the keypad.

ALYSSA (CONT’D)
Help! Need . . . help.

The person returns and hits her two more times on the head.
Genres: ["Thriller","Mystery"]

Summary Alyssa Ellis enters her living room to unwind with a crossword puzzle but is startled by a ringing sound from the guest room. Investigating, she encounters a dark figure that violently attacks her with a tire iron, leaving her injured on the floor. Despite her wounds, Alyssa struggles to crawl to the phone to call for help, but the assailant returns and strikes her again, intensifying the horror of the situation.
Strengths
  • Effective portrayal of fear and desperation
  • Strong execution of violence for impact
  • Compelling setup for the story
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue may limit character development

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively creates suspense and tension through the shocking act of violence and the fear experienced by the characters. It sets a dark tone for the story and leaves a lasting impact on the audience.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of the scene, focusing on a dark and violent act driven by desperation, is compelling and sets up an intriguing mystery for the story to unfold.

Plot: 8

The plot of the scene is crucial in establishing the dark and suspenseful tone of the story. The violent act sets up a central conflict and raises questions that drive the narrative forward.

Originality: 9

The scene is original in its portrayal of a sudden and brutal attack in a familiar setting. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are driven by fear and desperation, adding depth to their actions and motivations. The portrayal of their emotions enhances the impact of the scene.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo a significant change as they are forced to confront their fears and make difficult decisions. The violent act marks a turning point in their lives.

Internal Goal: 8

Alyssa's internal goal in this scene is to survive the attack and seek help. This reflects her deeper need for safety and security.

External Goal: 7

Alyssa's external goal is to call for help and escape the attacker. This reflects the immediate challenge she is facing of being attacked in her own home.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with the violent act creating a sense of danger and urgency. The characters' internal conflicts add depth to the overall conflict of the story.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in this scene is strong, with Alyssa facing a life-threatening situation and the audience unsure of the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the characters facing life-threatening danger and moral dilemmas. The outcome of their actions will have far-reaching consequences, adding tension and urgency to the story.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by establishing a central conflict and raising questions that drive the narrative. It sets the stage for further developments and reveals the dark undercurrents of the story.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden and shocking attack on Alyssa, leaving the audience unsure of what will happen next.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict in this scene is the clash between Alyssa's belief in safety and the attacker's disregard for human life. This challenges Alyssa's values and worldview.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking fear and shock in the audience. The desperation and vulnerability of the characters resonate strongly, leaving a lasting impression.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue in the scene is minimal but effective in conveying the fear and desperation of the characters. It adds to the tension and suspense of the moment.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense and suspenseful nature, keeping the audience on the edge of their seats.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is fast-paced and intense, adding to the suspense and tension of the moment.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of the scene is well-executed, with clear scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 8

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a suspenseful thriller genre, with a clear build-up of tension and action.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sudden shift from a mundane activity to a violent confrontation, which creates a strong sense of shock. However, the transition could be enhanced by building more tension before the attack. For instance, incorporating Alyssa's internal thoughts or feelings as she hears the ringing could heighten the suspense.
  • Alyssa's initial reaction to the dark figure is somewhat unrealistic. Instead of relaxing after the figure comes into focus, she should exhibit more caution or fear, as the situation is inherently dangerous. This would make her eventual attack more impactful.
  • The description of the assailant as 'indistinguishable in the dark' is effective, but it could be more vivid. Adding sensory details, such as the sound of the figure's footsteps or the atmosphere in the room, would enhance the tension and immerse the audience further into the scene.
  • The dialogue is minimal, which works for the scene's intensity, but Alyssa's line, 'What in God’s name are you sneaking around for?' feels somewhat casual given the context. A more urgent or fearful response could better reflect her situation.
  • The physicality of the attack is described, but the emotional weight of the moment could be amplified. Exploring Alyssa's thoughts or feelings during the attack, even briefly, could create a deeper connection with the audience and heighten the stakes.
  • The scene ends abruptly after the second attack, which may leave the audience feeling disoriented. A brief moment of silence or a lingering shot on Alyssa's face could emphasize the gravity of the situation and allow the audience to process the horror of the moment.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of hesitation or fear in Alyssa's reaction to the ringing sound, perhaps showing her debating whether to investigate or calling out for Tom again.
  • Revise Alyssa's dialogue to reflect a more urgent or fearful tone when she first sees the figure, enhancing the realism of her reaction.
  • Incorporate sensory details to create a more immersive atmosphere, such as the sound of the figure's movements or the oppressive silence of the house.
  • Explore Alyssa's internal thoughts or feelings during the attack to create a stronger emotional connection with the audience.
  • Add a moment of silence or a lingering shot after the second attack to emphasize the horror of the situation and allow the audience to absorb the impact of the violence.



Scene 3 -  A Dark Discovery
EXT. ELLIS HOUSE — NIGHT — LATER
Detectives CARL HITCHENS (40s, slim, somber and focused) and
DAVE ABBOTT (40, tall, intense, all business) pull to the
curb and exit the car.
The front door is locked but Hitchens finds the back door
open. He and Abbott go inside.

INT. ELLIS HOUSE — NIGHT
A woman’s body lies on the floor, and blood pools underneath
her. Hitchens kneels to check for a pulse.
HITCHENS
No vitals. But she's still warm.

Abbott scrolls through Alyssa’s contact list.

ABBOTT
Husband’s number is first on her
‘Favorites’ list: Tom Ellis. And in
the ‘notes’ section, it says, poker
on Thursday nights at Ed’s.
HITCHENS
I guess we need to see Ed.

FLASHBACK — TWO HOURS EARLIER
Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Thriller"]

Summary Detectives Carl Hitchens and Dave Abbott arrive at the Ellis house at night, finding the front door locked and the back door open. Inside, they discover a woman's body on the floor, warm but lifeless, indicating her recent death. As Hitchens confirms her lack of vitals, Abbott investigates her phone, uncovering her husband's contact and notes about poker nights, leading them to plan a visit to Ed. The scene is tense and somber, highlighting the gravity of the murder investigation, and ends with a flashback two hours earlier, hinting at events leading up to the crime.
Strengths
  • Effective suspense building
  • Compelling mystery setup
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this scene
  • Dialogue could be more nuanced

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds suspense and introduces key plot points while maintaining a somber and intense tone. The discovery of the woman's body and the detectives' investigation add layers to the story, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of a dark discovery leading to a murder investigation is compelling and sets the stage for a gripping mystery. The use of flashbacks adds depth to the narrative and hints at underlying motives and conflicts.

Plot: 8

The plot is advanced significantly in this scene through the discovery of the woman's body and the detectives' investigation. The introduction of key information about the victim and her husband sets the stage for further developments.

Originality: 6

The level of originality in this scene is moderate, with familiar elements of a crime investigation storyline. However, the authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds a fresh perspective to the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters of Detectives Hitchens and Abbott are well-defined and play crucial roles in the scene. Their interactions and investigative techniques add depth to the narrative and drive the plot forward.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the detectives' reactions and investigative techniques reveal aspects of their personalities and motivations. Their interactions hint at potential character development in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Hitchens' internal goal in this scene is to uncover the truth behind the woman's death and bring justice to the situation. This reflects his deeper desire for closure and justice in his work as a detective.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to investigate the murder and find the culprit responsible for the woman's death. This reflects the immediate challenge they are facing in solving the crime.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, as the discovery of the woman's body and the detectives' investigation create tension and suspense. The potential involvement of the victim's husband adds layers of complexity to the conflict.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in this scene is strong, with the detectives facing obstacles and challenges in their investigation. The audience is kept guessing as to the outcome of the case, adding to the suspense and intrigue.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in this scene as the discovery of the woman's body and the detectives' investigation suggest a complex web of motives and potential dangers. The outcome of their investigation could have far-reaching consequences.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing key plot points, setting up future conflicts, and deepening the mystery. The discovery of the woman's body and the detectives' investigation propel the narrative towards a resolution.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists and turns in the investigation, as well as the mysterious motives of the characters involved. The audience is kept on their toes as new clues are revealed.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between justice and criminality. The detectives are faced with the challenge of upholding the law and seeking justice in a world where crime and deception are prevalent.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene has a significant emotional impact due to the shocking discovery of the woman's body and the detectives' reactions to the crime scene. The audience is drawn into the mystery and invested in the outcome.

Dialogue: 7.5

The dialogue in the scene is concise and serves the purpose of advancing the plot and revealing key information. The interactions between the detectives and their observations add to the overall tension and mystery.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its suspenseful atmosphere, realistic dialogue, and intriguing mystery. The audience is drawn into the investigation and invested in uncovering the truth behind the murder.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, with a steady rhythm that keeps the audience engaged. The investigation unfolds at a natural pace, allowing for the gradual reveal of clues and motives.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The formatting of this scene follows the expected format for a crime investigation genre, with clear scene headings and dialogue formatting. It is well-organized and easy to follow.

Structure: 8

The structure of this scene follows the expected format for a crime investigation genre, with a clear setup, investigation, and revelation of clues. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a sense of urgency and tension as the detectives arrive at the crime scene. However, the transition from the previous scene to this one could be smoother. The abrupt shift from Alyssa's violent attack to the detectives' arrival feels jarring. A brief moment of silence or a visual cue could enhance the emotional impact of the transition.
  • The dialogue is functional but lacks depth. Hitchens and Abbott's exchange is straightforward and serves the plot, but it doesn't reveal much about their characters or their emotional responses to the situation. Adding a line or two that reflects their personal stakes or thoughts about the case could enrich their characterization.
  • The description of the setting is effective in conveying the grim reality of the scene. However, more sensory details could enhance the atmosphere. For instance, describing the smell of blood or the eerie silence of the house could immerse the audience further into the scene.
  • The use of a flashback is a common technique, but it feels somewhat abrupt here. It might benefit from a more gradual lead-in or a clearer connection to the detectives' investigation. As it stands, it feels like a disjointed narrative shift rather than a cohesive storytelling device.
  • The pacing of the scene is quick, which is appropriate for the urgency of the situation. However, it might be beneficial to slow down slightly during key moments, such as when Hitchens checks for a pulse. This could heighten the tension and allow the audience to fully absorb the gravity of the discovery.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of silence or a visual cue between Alyssa's attack and the detectives' arrival to create a smoother transition and enhance emotional impact.
  • Incorporate more character-driven dialogue that reveals Hitchens and Abbott's personalities or emotional responses to the crime scene, making them more relatable and engaging.
  • Enhance the sensory details of the setting to create a more immersive atmosphere, such as describing the smell of blood or the oppressive silence in the house.
  • Rework the flashback transition to be more gradual or thematically connected to the detectives' investigation, ensuring it feels like a natural part of the narrative flow.
  • Slow down the pacing during critical moments, such as Hitchens checking for a pulse, to build tension and allow the audience to fully grasp the weight of the situation.



Scene 4 -  Tension at the Dinner Table
INT. ELLIS HOUSE — KITCHEN — NIGHT
TOM ELLIS (40s, friendly, family man) opens a bottle of wine,
grabs two glasses, and sits at the table. He pours drinks,
sets the bottle down, then raises his head and sniffs.
TOM
Is that roast I smell?
Alyssa brings the roast to the table.
ALYSSA
The roast is for me. You can eat at
the game.
Tom clenches his jaw.
TOM
What the hell does that mean?
Alyssa sips her wine and stares.
ALYSSA
I met with the accountant today,
and he asked me about several
unexplained withdrawals.
TOM
(gulps)
Sorry.
ALYSSA
Sorry doesn't cut it. Straighten
up, or you'll be on your own. I
don’t work my ass off so you can
lose it gambling.
Tom reaches for her hand, but Alyssa yanks back.
ALYSSA (CONT’D)
You can’t sweet-talk me this time.
TOM
I wasn’t trying to. I just ...

ALYSSA
If you want to play cards, go! But
if you lose, you better find a way
to pay for it on your own.
TOM
Don’t worry. I'll win tonight.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In the Ellis family's kitchen, Tom prepares for a meal, but the mood shifts when Alyssa enters with a roast meant for herself, confronting him about his gambling habits and financial withdrawals. Despite Tom's attempts to reassure her, Alyssa stands firm, stating he must face the consequences of his actions alone. The scene captures the escalating tension between them, highlighting Alyssa's frustration and disappointment as Tom remains confident in his gambling skills, leaving their conflict unresolved.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Lack of external context

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension through the dialogue and conflict between the characters, setting up a crucial moment in their relationship.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a marital dispute over financial issues adds depth to the characters and sets the stage for future developments.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses as the conflict between the characters unfolds, revealing underlying tensions and potential consequences for their actions.

Originality: 7

The scene presents a familiar domestic conflict but adds a fresh perspective by focusing on the specific issue of gambling and financial responsibility within a marriage. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and conflicting motivations that drive the scene forward.

Character Changes: 8

Both characters undergo emotional changes during the scene, revealing new aspects of their personalities and motivations.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal in this scene is to reconcile with Alyssa and prove that he can change his gambling habits. This reflects his deeper desire to maintain his marriage and family life.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal is to win at the card game that night to prove to Alyssa that he can handle his gambling and financial responsibilities.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict between the characters is intense and drives the scene, highlighting the high stakes involved in their relationship.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with Alyssa's ultimatum challenging Tom's beliefs and forcing him to confront his gambling addiction.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the characters' financial problems and strained relationship add tension and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by revealing crucial information about the characters' relationship and setting up future conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because the audience is unsure of how Tom will handle the situation and whether he will be able to change his behavior.

Philosophical Conflict: 9

The philosophical conflict in this scene is between Alyssa's values of financial responsibility and Tom's desire for excitement and risk-taking through gambling. This challenges Tom's beliefs about his ability to control his gambling habits and Alyssa's trust in him.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8

The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' confrontations and the high stakes involved in their situation.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue is sharp and impactful, revealing the characters' emotions and motivations while driving the conflict forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high emotional stakes, tense dialogue, and the audience's investment in the outcome of Tom and Alyssa's conflict.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, leading to a climactic confrontation between Tom and Alyssa.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a dialogue-heavy domestic scene, with clear character cues and scene descriptions.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a domestic drama, with clear character motivations and escalating tension leading to a confrontation.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes tension between Tom and Alyssa, highlighting their strained relationship due to Tom's gambling habits. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to deepen the emotional stakes. Right now, it feels somewhat on-the-nose, with Alyssa's lines directly addressing the issue without much nuance.
  • Alyssa's character comes across as strong and assertive, which is commendable. However, her motivations could be clearer. Why is she so adamant about Tom's gambling? Adding a line or two that hints at her past experiences or fears regarding money could enhance her character's depth.
  • Tom's character is portrayed as friendly and family-oriented, but his motivations for gambling are not fully explored. A brief moment of internal conflict or a flashback could provide insight into why he feels compelled to gamble, making his character more relatable and complex.
  • The physical actions in the scene, such as Tom reaching for Alyssa's hand, are a good attempt to show intimacy, but the immediate rejection feels abrupt. A more gradual build-up to this moment could enhance the emotional impact, perhaps by having Tom express vulnerability before attempting to connect physically.
  • The pacing of the scene is somewhat rushed. The dialogue exchanges happen quickly, which can detract from the emotional weight of the confrontation. Allowing for pauses or reactions between lines could create a more dramatic tension and give the audience time to absorb the gravity of their situation.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate subtext into the dialogue. Instead of Alyssa directly stating her concerns about Tom's gambling, consider having her express frustration through a metaphor or a personal anecdote that reflects her feelings about financial security.
  • Add a line or two that reveals Alyssa's backstory or her fears regarding Tom's gambling. This could be a brief mention of a past financial struggle or a family member who faced similar issues, which would add depth to her character.
  • Include a moment of internal conflict for Tom. Perhaps he could reflect on a past win or loss before the scene, which would give the audience insight into his motivations and make his gambling habits more understandable.
  • Slow down the pacing by allowing for pauses in the dialogue. After Alyssa's strong statements, let Tom take a moment to process before responding. This can heighten the tension and make the confrontation feel more impactful.
  • Consider adding a visual element that symbolizes their relationship, such as a family photo on the table that Tom glances at during the argument. This could serve as a reminder of what is at stake and enhance the emotional resonance of the scene.



Scene 5 -  Poker Night and Passionate Goodbyes
INT. RICHARDS’ HOUSE — NIGHT
ED RICHARDS (45, bald, serious) shows Tom to the kitchen.

KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS
An octagonal table sits in the eating area. It has eight
chairs surrounding it, but only four have chips.
TOM
Where the hell is everybody?
Ed gestures to Owen (50, heavy, opinionated, grumpy) and R.V.
SKELTON (50, heavy, always smiling), both already seated.
ED
Just you, me, Owen, and R.V. We can
play four-handed and hope others
show. And y'all better be hungry
because Mary bought a Honey-baked
ham and three dozen rolls. And
Shawna made her special sauce.

Tom pushes his chair back and looks at the clock as he heads
to the island.
Owen swigs his drink and wipes his mouth with a napkin.
OWEN
I hope Mary got different rolls;
last time they were too fresh.
R.V. squeezes past Owen’s chair on his way to get coffee.
R.V.
Shit, if all I had to worry about
was fresh rolls, I’d be pissin’
with the big dogs; besides, all I
had for dinner were hot dogs.
(a beat)
Being laid off sucks.
Owen pats his belly and laughs.
OWEN
I'm not one to talk, RV, but from
the looks of it, you ain't missed
many meals in your life.

R.V.
Of course, I ain't, dumb shit.
You're not supposed to miss meals.
Ed counts the chips and puts $500 at each seat.
ED
Cough up your buy-ins. The game is
Texas Hold 'em: Pot limit, with $5
and $10 blinds.
Owen hands the deck to Tom, then tosses five dollars in. Tom
deals the cards, picks his two up, and squeezes them open. He
smiles and waits for his turn.
TOM
Raise a hundred.
Owen tosses his cards face down and curses.

LATER:
The doorbell rings, and Ed starts to get up, but the sound of
footsteps bounding down the stairs along with SHAWNA’s (20,
thin, clever and conniving) voice stops him.

SHAWNA
I got it, Dad.

FOYER — CONTINUOUS
She answers the door, and RON (22, optimistic, energetic)
steps inside. They move to the corner of the foyer, and Ron
kisses her passionately.
SHAWNA
God, I missed you. It's been weeks!
RON
(laughing)
Weeks isn't long. I'll probably be
gone that long on business trips;
besides, I'll figure out a way to
get you into a school near me, then
we can get a house.
Shawna grabs both of his hands with hers.

SHAWNA
Did you come by to see me, or to
talk to your mom about helping us
with the house?

RON
Mom thinks we’ll squander the
money, but I’ll figure it out.

SHAWNA
My dad's the same way. He says all
I know how to do is shop, but when
we're married, we'll show them.
Ron pulls her closer and kisses her again.
RON
It won’t be long. Count on it.
Shawna hugs him tightly and offers a sexy smile.

SHAWNA
I’m not worried. You can’t resist
my charms.
RON
You’ve got that right, but hey,
gotta go, babe.


KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

Ron rushes into the kitchen and hugs Tom.

RON
Sorry for the rush, Dad. I’ve gotta
prepare for a meeting. We’re
working on a big deal. But don’t
worry, I’ll stop by on my way home.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In the cozy kitchen of the Richards' house, Ed hosts a Texas Hold 'em poker game with friends Tom, Owen, and R.V., filled with light-hearted banter and discussions about food. Shawna, Ed's daughter, shares a romantic moment with her boyfriend Ron at the door before he rushes off to a meeting, hinting at their future plans. The scene captures the camaraderie among the players and the affectionate dynamics between Shawna and Ron, all while the poker game unfolds in a playful atmosphere.
Strengths
  • Tension
  • Suspense
  • Character Dynamics
  • Dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited Character Development
  • Lack of Action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively sets up a tense atmosphere with the introduction of the poker game and the interactions between the characters. It builds suspense and intrigue, hinting at deeper conflicts and motivations. The dialogue is engaging, and the pacing keeps the audience interested in the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of a high-stakes poker game involving various characters with hidden agendas is engaging and sets the stage for potential conflicts and revelations. The scene effectively introduces new elements to the story while maintaining a sense of mystery and suspense.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene revolves around the poker game and the interactions between the characters, setting up potential conflicts and revealing underlying tensions. The scene moves the story forward by introducing new dynamics and hinting at future developments.

Originality: 8

The scene offers a fresh approach to depicting family gatherings and interpersonal dynamics. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and relatable, adding to the scene's originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are well-defined, each with their own personalities and motivations. The interactions between the characters add depth to the narrative and foreshadow potential conflicts. The dialogue helps to reveal more about the characters and their relationships.

Character Changes: 7

While there are no significant character changes in this scene, the interactions and revelations hint at potential developments in the future. The characters' motivations and relationships are subtly explored, setting the stage for future growth.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal in this scene is to connect with his family members and enjoy their company. This reflects his deeper need for belonging and acceptance within his family.

External Goal: 7.5

Tom's external goal is to have a successful poker game and enjoy the evening with his family. This reflects the immediate challenge of socializing and bonding with his relatives.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The scene has a moderate level of conflict, primarily stemming from the hidden agendas and tensions between the characters. The poker game serves as a backdrop for potential conflicts to arise, adding layers to the narrative.

Opposition: 7.5

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting viewpoints and goals among the characters. The audience is left unsure of how the conflicts will be resolved.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of the poker game and the underlying tensions between the characters create a sense of urgency and importance in the scene. The financial implications and hidden agendas raise the stakes, adding suspense and intrigue.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new elements, setting up potential conflicts, and hinting at future developments. The poker game serves as a catalyst for future events, adding depth to the narrative.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected twists in character interactions and conflicts. The audience is kept on their toes by the shifting dynamics.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the characters' differing perspectives on family dynamics and financial responsibility. Shawna and Ron's discussion about their future plans highlights conflicting values and priorities.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, mainly driven by the tension and suspense surrounding the poker game and the interactions between the characters. The audience is likely to feel intrigued and invested in the unfolding events.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is engaging and realistic, reflecting the personalities of the characters and adding depth to their interactions. The conversations flow naturally and reveal important information about the characters' backgrounds and motivations.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its witty dialogue, relatable characters, and dynamic interactions. The audience is drawn into the familial dynamics and conflicts.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining audience interest. The rhythm of dialogue and action keeps the scene engaging and dynamic.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings, character descriptions, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 8

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and progression. It effectively sets up the poker game and introduces conflicts and relationships.


Critique
  • The scene effectively establishes a casual atmosphere among the characters, which contrasts with the tension from the previous scenes. However, the dialogue could benefit from more subtext to hint at underlying tensions or conflicts, especially considering Tom's gambling issues and the implications of the poker game.
  • The introduction of Shawna and Ron adds a layer of familial dynamics, but their interaction feels somewhat disconnected from the main plot. While it provides a moment of levity, it may detract from the urgency of the poker game and the stakes involved. Consider integrating their dialogue to reflect the broader themes of financial strain and personal ambition.
  • The character dynamics are established, but the scene lacks a strong emotional hook. While there is banter, it doesn't fully engage the audience's investment in the characters' fates. Adding moments of vulnerability or tension among the players could enhance the stakes of the poker game.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. The transition from the poker game to Shawna and Ron's interaction could be smoother. Consider using the poker game as a backdrop to heighten the tension of their conversation, perhaps by having the characters react to the stakes of the game while discussing their plans.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual storytelling. While the dialogue is lively, incorporating more descriptive visuals of the characters' expressions, the setting, and the poker game itself could enhance the audience's immersion and emotional connection.
Suggestions
  • Introduce subtle hints of tension or conflict in the dialogue that reflect Tom's gambling issues and the stakes of the poker game. This could be done through characters making offhand comments about money or past losses.
  • Consider weaving Shawna and Ron's dialogue into the poker game, perhaps having them discuss their plans while the game is in progress, which could create a more cohesive narrative flow.
  • Add moments of vulnerability or tension among the poker players, such as a character expressing concern about their financial situation or a past gambling loss, to raise the stakes of the game.
  • Smooth the transition between the poker game and Shawna's interaction with Ron by using the poker game as a backdrop for their conversation, allowing the stakes of the game to parallel their personal ambitions.
  • Enhance the visual storytelling by including more descriptive elements that capture the atmosphere of the poker game, such as the tension in the players' body language, the sound of chips being shuffled, or the expressions on their faces as they react to the game.



Scene 6 -  Late Night Conversations
INT. RICHARDS’ HOUSE — KITCHEN — NIGHT
Tom shuffles the deck, then yawns and stretches.

OWEN
Late night?
Tom nods.
TOM
We had a wellhead blow.

OWEN
You lose much oil?

TOM
About 50,000 barrels before we
capped it.

R.V.’s phone rings, and he steps onto the patio to talk.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In the kitchen of Richards' house at night, Tom, tired from a long day, discusses a recent oil well blowout with Owen, revealing the stress of losing 50,000 barrels of oil. As they talk, R.V. receives a phone call and steps outside, shifting the focus of the scene.
Strengths
  • Effective blending of genres
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Moderate conflict level
  • Moderate emotional impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively blends elements of crime, drama, and mystery genres while maintaining a tense and casual tone. The dialogue is informative and helps to develop the characters and plot.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of combining a crime investigation with a casual poker game is unique and engaging. It adds depth to the characters and plot, creating a compelling narrative.

Plot: 8

The plot is well-developed, with the scene providing important information about the characters' relationships and motivations. It sets up potential conflicts and developments for future scenes.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a unique situation involving an oil industry crisis, which adds authenticity to the characters' actions and dialogue. The writer's focus on business ethics and financial stakes also adds originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-defined and their personalities are effectively portrayed through dialogue and actions. The scene sets up potential character arcs and conflicts.

Character Changes: 7

There are subtle changes in the characters' dynamics and relationships throughout the scene, hinting at potential developments and conflicts in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal in this scene is to maintain composure and professionalism despite the stressful situation. This reflects his need to appear competent and in control, as well as his fear of failure or judgment.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal is to handle the aftermath of the wellhead blow efficiently and prevent further damage to the company's reputation and finances.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 7

The level of conflict in the scene is moderate, with tensions rising between characters due to hidden motives and personal issues. It sets up potential confrontations and resolutions.

Opposition: 7

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the characters face challenges related to the wellhead blow and its consequences.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are moderately high in the scene, with tensions rising between characters and potential consequences for their actions. It sets up potential conflicts and resolutions for future scenes.

Story Forward: 8

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing key information about the characters and their relationships. It sets up potential conflicts and resolutions for future developments.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the characters' conflicting motivations and the potential consequences of the wellhead blow.

Philosophical Conflict: 6

There is a philosophical conflict between the characters' values of success and integrity. Tom prioritizes the company's financial interests, while Owen may value ethical considerations and environmental impact.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7.5

The scene has a moderate emotional impact, with moments of tension and revelation that engage the audience. It sets up potential emotional arcs for the characters.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and informative, revealing key information about the characters and their relationships. It helps to build tension and develop the plot.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because of the high-stakes situation, tense dialogue, and character dynamics that keep the audience invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and maintaining the audience's interest in the characters' dialogue and actions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and follows industry standards for screenplay format.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for a dialogue-driven, character-focused scene in a drama genre screenplay.


Critique
  • The scene lacks emotional depth and stakes. While it serves as a transition between more intense scenes, it doesn't engage the audience or provide insight into Tom's character beyond the surface level. Consider adding more internal conflict or tension to keep the audience invested.
  • The dialogue feels somewhat flat and expository. Tom's explanation about the wellhead blow and the oil loss is informative but lacks emotional resonance. This could be an opportunity to explore Tom's feelings about the incident, perhaps hinting at stress or guilt related to his gambling habits.
  • R.V.'s phone call serves as a distraction but doesn't contribute to the scene's overall tension or narrative arc. It might be more effective to either integrate this moment into the main dialogue or remove it altogether to maintain focus on Tom and Owen's interaction.
  • The pacing of the scene is slow, which may work against the overall tension of the screenplay. Given the preceding violent scene, the audience may expect a quicker tempo or a more engaging conversation that reflects the gravity of the situation.
  • The setting is underutilized. The kitchen could be described in a way that reflects the mood—perhaps cluttered with remnants of the poker game or dimly lit to create a more foreboding atmosphere. This would enhance the visual storytelling and align with the darker themes of the script.
Suggestions
  • Introduce a moment of internal conflict for Tom, perhaps reflecting on the consequences of his gambling or the recent events surrounding Alyssa. This could be conveyed through a brief monologue or a more expressive reaction to Owen's questions.
  • Consider adding a line or two that hints at Tom's anxiety or guilt about the poker game and its implications for his family. This would deepen his character and create a stronger connection to the audience.
  • Instead of having R.V. step out for a phone call, consider having him engage in a brief conversation that reveals more about his character or his relationship with Tom. This could add layers to the scene and maintain the audience's interest.
  • Increase the tension by incorporating a sense of urgency or foreboding in the dialogue. For example, Tom could express concern about the poker game or the financial situation, hinting at the stakes involved.
  • Enhance the visual elements of the kitchen to reflect the mood of the scene. Describing the lighting, the state of the kitchen, or even the sounds of the poker game in the background could create a more immersive experience for the audience.



Scene 7 -  Desperate Measures
EXT. RICHARDS’ PATIO — NIGHT
R.V.
Hey, darlin’. What’s up?
MRS. SKELTON
Ritchie got arrested for drugs.
R.V.
Shit! Where is he?
MRS. SKELTON
The cops are holding him; they said
he’s going to rehab or jail.
R.V.
Then let’s get him in rehab.
MRS. SKELTON
(defeated voice)
That’ll cost ten thousand dollars.
R.V. walks in circles while talking.
R.V.
I’ll think of something. I’m not
letting him go to jail.
R.V. taps on the window and yells to Tom.
R.V. (CONT’D)
Before you deal, join me on the
porch. I need a smoke.
Tom walks out with R.V., who looks at the guys in the kitchen
before speaking.
R.V. (CONT’D)
I need that money you owe me. I was
laid off, and I'm in dire straits.
TOM
I heard you say that earlier.
When did you get laid off?

R.V. paces the deck and jiggles the change in his pocket. He
stares at Tom and shakes his head.
R.V.
Christ, it's been two months.
Didn't Alyssa tell you?
TOM
Why would she know anything?

R.V.
Because it was her goddamn
consulting firm that made the
recommendations. Now I'm screwed.
I'm two months late on my mortgage,
I can't pay my kid's tuition, and
I've got no company car.
Tom looks everywhere but at R.V.
TOM
Shit, I'm sorry. I didn't know.
R.V.
I hear you, but sorry doesn’t pay
my mortgage. Tell that to Alyssa.
TOM
Don’t worry. I’ll get your money.
R.V.
You said that before, Tom, but I
need it now.
TOM
If I had it, I’d pay you back. And
I can’t get it from Alyssa.

KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS
Tom and R.V. step into the kitchen just as Shawna enters.
SHAWNA
Any of y’all need anything while
I’m here? Want a sandwich, Owen?
OWEN
Thanks, but don’t trouble yourself.
SHAWNA
It’s no trouble. It’ll only take me
a minute.
OWEN
It’s all right. I’ll get it later.
Ed laughs.
ED
Don’t take offense. Owen's not
worried about causing you trouble;
he's worried you might have germs
on your hands.

Shawna laughs as she walks out of the kitchen and heads up
the stairs.
R.V.
Kids that age scare me. When mine
was that young, I used to keep
track of everywhere he went.
ED
I've got it covered, R.V. Got one
of those GPS tracking apps that
tells me where she is and where
she's been.
R.V.
My kid would’ve been pissed if I
did that to him.
ED
Shawna's only twenty. I told her
about this when I got it, but it's
been a while. She probably forgot.

Tom yawns twice in a row.
TOM
Ed, I’m gonna take a quick nap.
Wake me in forty minutes.


KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS
R.V. checks his pocket and comes up empty.
R.V.
Shit, I'm out of chaw. Guess I need
to run and get some. Can't play
cards without it.
ED
That's a nasty habit, R.V.

R.V. grabs a coat from the closet and heads out the door.

R.V.
I’ll be back shortly. Probably
before Tom gets up.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary R.V. learns from Mrs. Skelton that Ritchie has been arrested for drugs and needs $10,000 for rehab. Frustrated after Tom, who is unaware of R.V.'s recent layoff, cannot help financially, R.V. feels the weight of his situation. Meanwhile, light-hearted interactions in the kitchen provide a stark contrast to R.V.'s anxiety. The scene ends with R.V. leaving to get chewing tobacco, highlighting his need to cope with the stress.
Strengths
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Tension-building
  • Character dynamics
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel repetitive
  • Limited physical action

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and suspense through the interactions between characters, setting up high-stakes conflicts and showcasing the emotional turmoil of the situation. The dialogue is engaging, and the pacing keeps the audience invested in the unfolding events.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of financial desperation leading to moral dilemmas and high-stakes decisions is effectively portrayed in the scene. The familial dynamics and personal struggles add depth to the narrative, creating a compelling story.

Plot: 8.5

The plot of the scene is engaging, with conflicts and tensions escalating as the characters face difficult decisions and personal struggles. The scene effectively moves the story forward while setting up future developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar situation of financial strain and family crisis but adds depth through nuanced character interactions and emotional conflicts. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters in the scene are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations driving their actions. The interactions between characters reveal their relationships and internal conflicts, adding depth to the narrative.

Character Changes: 8

Several characters undergo changes in their perspectives and motivations throughout the scene, particularly in response to the escalating conflicts and personal struggles they face. These changes drive the character development and plot progression.

Internal Goal: 8

R.V.'s internal goal is to protect his son, Ritchie, from going to jail and to find a solution to the financial burden of rehab. This reflects his deep desire to maintain his family's well-being and avoid the pain of separation or loss.

External Goal: 7

R.V.'s external goal is to secure the money owed to him by Tom to help pay for Ritchie's rehab. This goal is driven by the immediate circumstances of Ritchie's arrest and the financial strain on R.V.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with high levels of conflict, both internal and external, as the characters face difficult decisions and personal struggles. The escalating tensions and confrontations drive the narrative forward, keeping the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting goals and motivations among the characters that create obstacles and challenges for R.V. The audience is left uncertain about the outcome.

High Stakes: 9

The scene features high stakes as characters face life-changing decisions and moral dilemmas driven by financial desperation. The escalating tensions and conflicts raise the stakes, adding suspense and intensity to the narrative.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, tensions, and character dynamics that will impact future events in the narrative. The developments in the scene set up important plot points and character arcs.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters and the unexpected revelations about their relationships and motivations.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

There is a philosophical conflict between R.V.'s sense of responsibility and Tom's inability to fulfill his financial obligations. This challenges R.V.'s belief in loyalty and trust.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.5

The scene has a strong emotional impact, eliciting feelings of tension, concern, and empathy for the characters facing difficult circumstances. The dramatic events and personal struggles resonate with the audience, creating a compelling emotional experience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is engaging and realistic, effectively conveying the emotions and motivations of the characters. The conversations feel natural and contribute to the tension and suspense of the scene.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional conflicts, and realistic dialogue that draw the audience into the characters' struggles and relationships.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue and action that maintains tension and momentum. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene headings and character actions. The formatting enhances the readability and flow of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions and escalating tension. The pacing and rhythm contribute to the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively introduces a sense of urgency and desperation through R.V.'s conversation with Mrs. Skelton about Ritchie's arrest. However, the dialogue could be tightened to enhance the emotional impact. For instance, R.V.'s pacing and physical actions could be more vividly described to reflect his anxiety and frustration.
  • R.V.'s character is established as someone who is struggling financially and emotionally, but the scene could benefit from deeper exploration of his motivations. Why is he so determined to help Ritchie? Adding a line or two that hints at their relationship or R.V.'s past could create a stronger emotional connection for the audience.
  • The transition between R.V.'s conversation with Mrs. Skelton and his interaction with Tom feels abrupt. A smoother transition could help maintain the scene's flow. Consider adding a brief moment of reflection or a visual cue that connects R.V.'s concerns about Ritchie to his request for money from Tom.
  • The dialogue between R.V. and Tom is realistic but could be more dynamic. Both characters are in a tense situation, yet the conversation lacks a sense of conflict or urgency. Introducing a moment where R.V. raises his voice or expresses frustration more vividly could heighten the tension.
  • The introduction of Shawna and the light-hearted banter in the kitchen contrasts sharply with the serious tone of R.V.'s conversation. While this can be effective, it may also dilute the emotional weight of R.V.'s predicament. Consider either integrating Shawna's presence more meaningfully into the scene or allowing the tension to build before introducing lighter moments.
Suggestions
  • Enhance R.V.'s physicality during his conversation with Mrs. Skelton to convey his anxiety—describe his pacing, fidgeting, or other nervous habits.
  • Add a line or two that provides context for R.V.'s relationship with Ritchie, which would deepen the audience's understanding of his motivations.
  • Create a smoother transition between R.V.'s phone call and his conversation with Tom by incorporating a brief moment of reflection or a visual cue that connects the two.
  • Introduce more dynamic dialogue between R.V. and Tom, perhaps by having R.V. express his frustration more vocally or through physical actions, to heighten the tension.
  • Consider either integrating Shawna's character more meaningfully into the scene or delaying her entrance until after the tension between R.V. and Tom has reached a peak to maintain emotional focus.



Scene 8 -  A Game Interrupted
INT. RICHARDS’ HOUSE — KITCHEN — LATER
Tom walks in from the bedroom and takes his seat. He riffles
his chips and smiles while Ed shuffles the cards.
TOM
I’m back, and ready to win.

Tom squeezes his cards and looks at a pair of tens.
TOM (CONT’D)
Bet fifty.
Everyone folds but R.V. Owen turns over three cards, a seven,
five, and ten. Tom stares at his pair of tens and bets one
hundred. R.V. folds, and Tom rakes in the pot.
Ed’s shuffling the deck when flashing lights appear outside.
Then the front doorbell rings.
ED
Damn, what the hell is it now?
END OF FLASHBACK
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In the kitchen of Richards' house, Tom enters with confidence, eager to play cards. He bets fifty with a pair of tens, and after R.V. folds, he raises the bet to one hundred, winning the pot. The light-hearted competition is abruptly interrupted by flashing lights outside and the doorbell ringing, leading to Ed's frustration. The scene captures a mix of playful rivalry and unexpected tension.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Realistic dialogue
  • Strong character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Slightly predictable plot developments
  • Limited emotional depth

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively blends the casual atmosphere of a poker game with the sudden appearance of flashing lights and the arrival of law enforcement, creating a tense and suspenseful moment. The dialogue and character interactions add depth to the scene, keeping the audience engaged.


Story Content

Concept: 8.5

The concept of combining a poker game with a sudden police presence is intriguing and adds layers to the storyline. It sets up potential conflicts and raises the stakes for the characters involved.

Plot: 8

The plot progresses smoothly, introducing new elements such as financial struggles and potential criminal activities. The scene sets up future conflicts and developments effectively.

Originality: 6

The scene is moderately original, with a fresh approach to the classic poker game scenario. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and true to life.


Character Development

Characters: 8.5

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions during the poker game reveal underlying tensions and relationships that add depth to the scene.

Character Changes: 7

There are subtle changes in the characters' dynamics and motivations during the scene, hinting at deeper conflicts and potential betrayals. These changes set the stage for future developments.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal in this scene is to feel confident and in control. His desire to win at poker reflects his need for validation and success.

External Goal: 7

Tom's external goal in this scene is to win the poker game and take home the pot. This goal reflects the immediate challenge he is facing in the game.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict is high in the scene, with tensions rising as the poker game unfolds and the arrival of law enforcement adds a new layer of suspense and danger.

Opposition: 6

The opposition in the scene is moderate, with the challenge of winning the poker game providing some conflict and uncertainty for the characters.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, both in terms of the poker game and the potential criminal activities hinted at. The characters' decisions have significant consequences, adding tension and suspense.

Story Forward: 8

The scene moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, relationships, and plot points. It sets up future events and keeps the audience engaged in the unfolding narrative.

Unpredictability: 5

This scene is somewhat predictable, as the outcome of the poker game is fairly standard. However, the arrival of flashing lights and the doorbell adds a hint of unpredictability.

Philosophical Conflict: 0

There is no evident philosophical conflict in this scene.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a moderate emotional impact, primarily through the tense atmosphere and the sudden turn of events. The audience is likely to feel a mix of suspense and anticipation.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue is engaging and realistic, capturing the dynamics of a poker game while hinting at deeper conflicts and secrets. It adds to the overall tension and suspense of the scene.

Engagement: 8

This scene is engaging because it establishes the characters, conflict, and stakes effectively, drawing the audience into the game and the unfolding events.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective, with a natural flow of dialogue and actions that maintain the audience's interest and build tension.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a casual, dialogue-driven scene in a screenplay. It sets up the location, characters, and conflict effectively.


Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the casual atmosphere of a poker game, but it lacks emotional depth and tension, especially considering the events leading up to it. The stakes of the poker game could be heightened to reflect Tom's internal struggles and the consequences of his gambling habits, which have been established in previous scenes.
  • Tom's dialogue, while confident, feels somewhat flat and lacks subtext. Given the tension surrounding his gambling issues and the recent confrontation with Alyssa, there should be an underlying anxiety or desperation in his demeanor that contrasts with his bravado.
  • The introduction of the flashing lights and doorbell is a good way to create suspense, but it feels abrupt and could benefit from a more gradual build-up. The scene could include a moment of hesitation or concern from the characters before the interruption, enhancing the tension.
  • The interactions among the characters are minimal, and the scene could benefit from more dialogue that showcases their personalities and relationships. This would help to create a more engaging dynamic and provide insight into how they view Tom's gambling.
  • The pacing of the scene is quick, which is appropriate for a poker game, but it may leave the audience feeling disconnected from the characters' emotional states. Slowing down the moment before the interruption could allow for a more impactful transition.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more dialogue that reflects the characters' awareness of Tom's gambling issues. This could include playful banter that hints at their concerns or a more serious discussion about the stakes involved in the game.
  • Add a moment of internal conflict for Tom as he prepares to play. This could be a brief flashback or a visual cue that reminds the audience of his recent confrontation with Alyssa, creating a sense of urgency and tension.
  • Consider extending the scene to include a brief interaction between Tom and Ed or R.V. that highlights their camaraderie but also subtly addresses the underlying tension regarding Tom's gambling.
  • Before the doorbell rings, include a moment where Tom glances at the door or the window, sensing something is off. This would build anticipation and make the interruption feel more significant.
  • Use visual storytelling to enhance the atmosphere. For example, show Tom's hands trembling slightly as he shuffles his chips, indicating his anxiety about the game and his situation, which would add depth to his character.



Scene 9 -  Unexpected Visitors
INT. RICHARDS’ HOUSE — FOYER — NIGHT
Ed opens the front door to see two men in suits and wearing
stoic expressions. The taller one reaches out his hand.
HITCHENS
I'm Detective Carl Hitchens, and
this is Detective Dave Abbott.
Ed takes a step back to block their view of the kitchen.
ED
Detectives, how can I help you?
Abbott grins.
ABBOTT
We're not here about the game, sir.
We'd like to speak with Mr. Ellis.

R.V. leans over and looks toward the front door, then he
whispers to Tom and Owen.
R.V
Cops
Tom slouches in his seat.
TOM
Just when I was winning for once.
Ed opens the door wider, steps aside, and smiles.
ED
Come on in. Tom's at the table.

KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Ed leads the detectives into the kitchen. He gestures to Tom,
and nods to the detectives.
ABBOTT
Mr. Ellis, would you step outside
with us for a moment?
Tom looks quizzically at him, then sets his cards face-down.
TOM
I'll only be a minute.
He goes outside with the detectives.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary Ed opens the door to two detectives, Hitchens and Abbott, who seek to speak with Tom. Despite Ed's initial attempt to shield the kitchen from their view, he invites them in. The detectives ask Tom to step outside, interrupting the card game he was winning. Tension fills the air as Tom, confused but compliant, leaves the game behind to speak with the detectives.
Strengths
  • Effective blending of genres
  • Tension and suspense maintained throughout
  • Smooth transitions between settings
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional impact
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively blends different genres and tones, keeping the audience engaged with a mix of suspense and intrigue. The introduction of the detectives adds a new layer of conflict and raises questions about the characters' motives.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of blending a casual poker game with a serious interrogation adds depth to the scene and highlights the contrast between the characters' personal lives and the unfolding investigation.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances significantly in this scene, introducing new conflicts and raising questions about the characters' relationships and motivations. The scene sets up future developments and keeps the audience invested in the story.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar scenario of detectives visiting a home, but adds a twist by focusing on the protagonist's internal conflict and loyalty. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue adds to the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters' reactions and interactions in this scene reveal more about their personalities and relationships, adding depth to their development. The detectives' presence introduces a new dynamic to the group.

Character Changes: 7

The scene prompts subtle changes in the characters' behavior and relationships, particularly in response to the detectives' arrival and the escalating conflict. The characters' motivations and loyalties are tested.

Internal Goal: 8

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to protect his friends and family from potential trouble or danger. This reflects his deeper need for security and safety.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to cooperate with the detectives and handle the situation calmly to avoid any escalation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The conflict in the scene is high, with the introduction of the detectives creating tension and suspicion among the characters. The interrogation raises questions about the characters' involvement in the unfolding events.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, as the protagonist must navigate conflicting loyalties and potential consequences.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high in the scene, with the detectives' presence threatening to expose secrets and unravel the characters' lives. The outcome of the interrogation could have significant consequences for the characters.

Story Forward: 9

The scene significantly moves the story forward by introducing new conflicts, raising questions about the characters' motives, and setting up future developments. The audience gains crucial insights into the unfolding mystery.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because it introduces a twist in the plot with the detectives' unexpected visit and the protagonist's internal conflict.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the tension between loyalty to friends and family versus loyalty to law enforcement. The protagonist must navigate this conflict to protect his loved ones while also respecting authority.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 7

The scene elicits a moderate emotional impact, primarily through the suspense and tension created by the detectives' presence and the characters' reactions. The audience is left intrigued and concerned about the unfolding events.

Dialogue: 8

The dialogue in the scene effectively conveys tension, suspicion, and intrigue, keeping the audience engaged and moving the story forward. The characters' exchanges reveal their motivations and conflicts.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because it introduces conflict and suspense, keeping the audience interested in the outcome.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene is effective in building tension and suspense, keeping the audience engaged in the unfolding events.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene is clear and easy to follow, with proper scene headings and character actions.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a suspenseful encounter with law enforcement, building tension and revealing information gradually.


Critique
  • The scene effectively introduces a shift in tone from the light-hearted poker game to a more serious and tense atmosphere with the arrival of the detectives. This contrast is well-executed and heightens the suspense.
  • The dialogue is functional but could benefit from more subtext. For example, Ed's attempt to block the detectives' view of the kitchen suggests he is hiding something, but this could be made more explicit through his internal thoughts or more nuanced dialogue.
  • Tom's reaction to the detectives is somewhat passive. While slouching in his seat conveys a sense of defeat, it might be more impactful if he displayed a mix of confusion and concern, hinting at his awareness of the gravity of the situation.
  • The pacing of the scene is effective, but the transition from the foyer to the kitchen could be smoother. A brief moment of hesitation or a line of dialogue reflecting Tom's apprehension about stepping outside could enhance the tension.
  • R.V.'s whisper about the cops is a nice touch, but it could be expanded to show more of the group's reaction to the detectives' arrival. This would help to build a sense of collective anxiety among the characters.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a line of dialogue from Ed that hints at his nervousness or suspicion about the detectives' visit, which would deepen the intrigue.
  • Enhance Tom's emotional response to the detectives' arrival by incorporating a brief internal monologue or a physical reaction that conveys his concern or fear.
  • Include a moment where the other players react to the detectives' presence, perhaps exchanging worried glances or whispering among themselves, to create a more palpable tension in the room.
  • Make the transition from the foyer to the kitchen more dramatic by having Tom hesitate before stepping outside, allowing the audience to feel the weight of the moment.
  • Consider adding a visual element, such as the detectives' serious expressions contrasting with the casual atmosphere of the poker game, to emphasize the shift in tone.



Scene 10 -  Shattered Night
EXT. ED'S HOUSE — NIGHT
They step outside, and Hitchens lights a smoke.
TOM
What’s this is about?
ABBOTT
Sir, someone broke into your house
and attacked your wife.

Tom grabs Hitchens’ shoulders, then runs for his car, but
Hitchens grabs him.
HITCHENS
We can’t go there right now, sir.
CSU is processing the scene.
TOM
Processing the scene? Is Alyssa —
Hitchens places his arm on Tom’s shoulder.
HITCHENS
I’m sorry to say, Mr. Ellis, but
your wife is gone.
Tom staggers back and grabs hold of the detective’s arm. He
buries his head in his hands and cries.
TOM
It can’t! How could it happen?
Dave Abbott turns to Tom and speaks softly.
ABBOTT
Mr. Ellis, she was brutally
attacked. Do you know —?
Tom shakes his head.

TOM
Hell no! Why would anyone hurt her?
Tom punches the brick wall, drawing blood on his knuckles.
TOM (CONT’D)
God damn!

Hitchens takes hold of Tom’s arm, then leads him inside.
HITCHENS
Dave, how about you go back to the
scene? I’ll stay with Mr. Ellis.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In a somber night scene outside Ed's house, detectives Hitchens and Abbott deliver the devastating news to Tom that his wife, Alyssa, has been brutally attacked and is deceased. Overwhelmed by shock and despair, Tom reacts violently, injuring himself in his grief. Hitchens offers comfort and support, choosing to stay with Tom, while Abbott heads back to the crime scene, leaving Tom in a state of emotional turmoil.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intriguing mystery setup
  • Strong character development
Weaknesses
  • Potential for melodrama
  • Limited exploration of secondary characters

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively conveys a range of emotions, from shock and sadness to anger and confusion, drawing the audience into the protagonist's turmoil. The introduction of the crime mystery adds depth and intrigue to the narrative, keeping viewers engaged and eager to uncover the truth.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of unraveling a tragic event and delving into the emotional aftermath is compelling and engaging. The scene effectively sets up the central mystery of the crime while exploring the protagonist's emotional journey, creating a strong foundation for future developments.

Plot: 9

The plot is advanced significantly in this scene, with the introduction of the crime mystery and the emotional impact on the protagonist driving the narrative forward. The scene sets up key conflicts and establishes the stakes for the characters, laying the groundwork for future revelations and developments.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a familiar crime and mystery element but adds a fresh approach by focusing on the protagonist's emotional journey and internal conflict. The authenticity of the characters' actions and dialogue enhances the originality.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters are well-developed in this scene, particularly Tom, whose emotional journey is central to the narrative. The detectives add depth and intrigue, hinting at a larger investigation to come. Each character's reactions and interactions contribute to the overall tension and emotional impact of the scene.

Character Changes: 9

Tom undergoes a significant emotional change in this scene, transitioning from shock and disbelief to raw grief and anger. The revelation of his wife's death marks a turning point in his character arc, setting the stage for further development and exploration of his motivations and actions.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to come to terms with the sudden loss of his wife and process his grief and shock. It reflects his deeper need for understanding and closure in a traumatic situation.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to find out what happened to his wife and seek justice for the attack. It reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with a crime and loss.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The level of conflict in the scene is high, with the revelation of the crime and the protagonist's emotional turmoil driving the tension. The mystery surrounding the attack adds layers of intrigue and suspense, setting up key conflicts and raising the stakes for the characters.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with the protagonist facing the challenge of accepting his wife's death and seeking justice for the attack, creating a sense of urgency and conflict.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in this scene, with the brutal attack on the protagonist's wife and the mystery surrounding the crime raising the emotional and narrative stakes for the characters. The scene sets up a compelling and suspenseful mystery, hinting at larger consequences and conflicts to come.

Story Forward: 10

The scene moves the story forward significantly, introducing key conflicts, establishing the central mystery, and deepening the emotional stakes for the characters. The revelation of the crime and its impact on the protagonist drive the narrative forward, setting the stage for further developments and revelations.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the sudden revelation of the wife's death and the protagonist's violent reaction, adding tension and uncertainty to the narrative.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the protagonist's struggle to comprehend the senseless violence and injustice that has affected his life. It challenges his beliefs in safety and security.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a significant emotional impact, drawing viewers into the protagonist's grief and confusion with powerful performances and poignant moments. The raw emotion and intensity of the scene resonate strongly, creating a memorable and affecting experience for the audience.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue in the scene is impactful, conveying the characters' emotions and motivations effectively. Tom's outbursts of grief and confusion, as well as the detectives' measured responses, add depth to the interactions and drive the narrative forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the intense emotional conflict and suspenseful mystery surrounding the protagonist's wife's attack. The audience is drawn into the protagonist's grief and shock.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and suspense, with a gradual reveal of information and emotional beats that enhance the impact of the protagonist's discovery.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The formatting of the scene adheres to the standard screenplay format, with proper scene headings, dialogue, and action descriptions.

Structure: 9

The structure of the scene follows the expected format for a dramatic crime investigation scene, with a clear progression of events and character interactions.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys the shock and despair of Tom upon learning about his wife's death. The emotional weight is palpable, particularly in Tom's physical reactions, such as grabbing Hitchens and punching the wall. However, the pacing could be improved; the transition from the detectives' arrival to the revelation of Alyssa's death feels rushed. Allowing more time for Tom's initial confusion and disbelief could enhance the emotional impact.
  • The dialogue is straightforward and serves its purpose, but it could benefit from more subtext. For instance, instead of directly stating that Alyssa was brutally attacked, Abbott could ask Tom if he knows of anyone who might want to harm her, which would create a more layered conversation and allow Tom's emotional state to unfold more naturally.
  • The physical actions in the scene are strong, particularly Tom's reaction to the news. However, the description of Hitchens placing his arm on Tom's shoulder could be expanded to show more of Hitchens' demeanor—whether he is sympathetic, professional, or conflicted—adding depth to his character and the situation.
  • The scene lacks a clear visual setting that enhances the emotional tone. Describing the night atmosphere, such as the cold air or distant sounds, could amplify the sense of isolation and despair that Tom feels. This would help ground the audience in the moment and create a more immersive experience.
  • The decision to have Hitchens lead Tom inside after the revelation is a good narrative choice, but it could be more impactful if Tom resisted or expressed a desire to stay outside for a moment longer. This would illustrate his emotional turmoil and the struggle between wanting to confront the reality of the situation and the instinct to escape it.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a moment of silence or a brief pause after the detectives deliver the news to allow Tom's shock to settle in before he reacts. This can heighten the tension and emotional weight of the scene.
  • Incorporate more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere. Describe the cold night air, the sounds of the neighborhood, or the dim lighting to create a more vivid setting that reflects Tom's emotional state.
  • Revise the dialogue to include more subtext. For example, instead of directly stating that Alyssa was brutally attacked, have Abbott ask Tom if he knows of anyone who might want to harm her, which would allow for a more nuanced exchange.
  • Explore Tom's internal conflict further by showing his hesitation or disbelief before he reacts physically. This could involve him momentarily freezing or looking around as if searching for answers before he lashes out.
  • Consider giving Hitchens a more defined emotional response to Tom's grief. This could be through his body language or a few choice words that reflect his understanding of the gravity of the situation, making him a more empathetic character.



Scene 11 -  Devastating News
INT. ED'S HOUSE — LIVING ROOM — NIGHT
Hitchens leads Tom to the living room, wraps up his hand, and
then sits next to him on the sofa.
HITCHENS
Mr. Ellis, Let’s go to the kitchen.
I need to speak with the others.
Tom pulls out his phone and calls Ron.
TOM
Ron, it’s Dad. I've got bad news.
RON (V.O.)
Something happen?
TOM
There was a break-in at the house.
Tom holds the phone away from his mouth. His hands tremble
and his voice chokes up.
TOM (CONT’D)
Oh Christ, Ron. Somebody killed
your mom. She's dead.
RON (V.O.)
Oh my God. Oh my God! I'm coming
right up, Dad.
TOM
I’m at Ed's house.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In the living room of Ed's house, Hitchens tends to Tom's injured hand while providing emotional support. Tom makes a heartbreaking phone call to his son Ron, informing him of a break-in that resulted in the death of Ron's mother. As Tom struggles with his grief, Ron reacts with disbelief and urgency, highlighting the deep emotional turmoil caused by the tragic news.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Authentic performances
  • Compelling dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Limited physical action
  • Reliance on dialogue for impact

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene effectively conveys the emotional impact of the tragic event through strong dialogue and character reactions. The tension and shock are palpable, drawing the audience in and setting the stage for further developments.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of the scene revolves around the tragic revelation of Alyssa's death, emphasizing the emotional turmoil and shock experienced by the characters. It effectively sets the stage for the unfolding mystery and drama.

Plot: 9

The plot progresses significantly with the revelation of Alyssa's death, introducing a major turning point in the story. The scene sets the stage for further investigation and character development, driving the narrative forward.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the familiar theme of loss and grief, with authentic character actions and dialogue that resonate with the audience.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters' reactions and interactions in the scene are authentic and compelling, showcasing their emotional depth and vulnerability. Tom's devastation and Ron's shock add layers to their personalities, setting the stage for potential growth.

Character Changes: 9

Tom undergoes a significant emotional change in the scene, transitioning from disbelief to despair as he grapples with the reality of his wife's death. This pivotal moment sets the stage for potential growth and development.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal in this scene is to deliver the devastating news of his wife's death to his son. This reflects his deeper need for support and connection in a time of crisis.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to inform his son about the break-in and his wife's death. This reflects the immediate challenge of dealing with the aftermath of a tragic event.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The conflict in the scene stems from the tragic event of Alyssa's death, creating emotional turmoil and shock for the characters. The revelation of the crime sets the stage for further conflict and investigation.

Opposition: 8

The strong opposition in the scene comes from the tragic event of the break-in and the characters' emotional responses, creating uncertainty and tension.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene as Tom reveals the shocking news of his wife's death, leading to emotional turmoil and potential consequences for the characters. The gravity of the situation raises the tension and sets the stage for further drama.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward significantly by introducing the tragic event of Alyssa's death, setting the stage for further investigation and character arcs. The revelation propels the narrative towards new developments and conflicts.

Unpredictability: 7

This scene is unpredictable due to the unexpected tragedy and the characters' emotional reactions, keeping the audience on edge.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict evident in this scene is the clash between the characters' beliefs about safety, security, and the fragility of life. This challenges the protagonist's worldview and values.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.5

The scene has a high emotional impact, evoking feelings of sadness, shock, and despair in the audience. The raw emotions displayed by the characters resonate deeply, drawing viewers into the heart-wrenching moment.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is poignant and impactful, effectively conveying the raw emotions and despair of the characters. Tom's conversation with Ron over the phone is particularly moving, adding depth to their relationship.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its emotional intensity, realistic dialogue, and the audience's investment in the characters' relationships and struggles.

Pacing: 8

The pacing of the scene effectively builds tension and emotional impact, drawing the audience into the characters' emotional journey.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected formatting for its genre, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting.

Structure: 9

The scene follows the expected structure for its genre, effectively building tension and emotional impact through dialogue and pacing.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys the emotional weight of Tom's situation, particularly through his phone call to Ron. The use of dialogue captures the shock and despair of the moment, making it relatable and impactful for the audience.
  • However, the transition from Hitchens leading Tom into the living room to the phone call feels abrupt. A brief moment of silence or a visual cue could enhance the emotional gravity before Tom makes the call, allowing the audience to fully absorb the weight of the news he is about to deliver.
  • Tom's physical reaction, such as trembling hands and a choked voice, is a strong choice that adds depth to his character's emotional state. However, it could be further emphasized with more descriptive action lines that illustrate his body language and facial expressions, enhancing the visual storytelling.
  • The dialogue between Tom and Ron is effective, but it could benefit from more specificity. For instance, instead of just saying 'bad news,' Tom could provide a more vivid description of the situation, which would heighten the tension and urgency of the moment.
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of pacing. The emotional intensity could be heightened by allowing moments of silence or pauses in dialogue, giving the audience time to process the gravity of the situation. This would also create a more dramatic effect as Tom delivers the devastating news.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a brief moment of silence or a visual cue before Tom makes the phone call to enhance the emotional impact of the scene.
  • Incorporate more descriptive action lines to illustrate Tom's physical reactions, such as his facial expressions and body language, to deepen the audience's connection to his emotional state.
  • Revise Tom's dialogue to include more specific details about the situation, which would increase the tension and urgency of the moment.
  • Introduce pauses or moments of silence in the dialogue to allow the audience to absorb the emotional weight of the news being delivered.
  • Explore the possibility of including a brief reaction shot of Hitchens during the phone call, which could provide insight into his character and the gravity of the situation.



Scene 12 -  Unraveling Secrets
INT. ED'S HOUSE — KITCHEN — NIGHT
Hitchens is leaning against the kitchen wall when Abbott
enters. Tom sits in the back, his head buried in his hands.

HITCHENS
(to all the players)
In case Mr. Ellis didn’t tell you,
Mrs. Ellis was murdered tonight,
and we have to ask a few questions.
We’ll start in the living room but
may have to take it to the station.

Ed puts his arms around Tom and pats his back.

TOM
(to Ed)
I didn’t even get to patch things
up. We argued, and I left angry.

ED
Don’t worry, Tom. And don’t say
anything. Wait for your lawyer.

Hitchens points to Owen and crooks his finger.

HITCHENS
You first.


LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
Owen walks into the living room, shaking his head.
OWEN
Can't goddamn believe it. She
wasn’t a saint, but damn, she
didn’t deserve this.
The living room has a fireplace, a sofa, and two stiff-backed
chairs. The light from two lamps reflect off the tables.
Hitchens sits on the sofa, facing the fireplace, and Owen
sits in a chair. He leans close and whispers.
OWEN (CONT’D)
What happened to Alyssa?

HITCHENS
We can’t discuss the case, but do
you know anyone who wished her
harm?

OWEN
No one I can think of, but she ran
a tight ship — at work and home.

HITCHENS
Tough, huh?

OWEN
Don’t get me wrong; she didn’t
deserve this, but she kept Tom on a
tight leash — a damn tight leash.
HITCHENS
How about work?
OWEN
I don’t know a lot of people she
worked with, but one time we were
bidding on the same job and she
wormed her way into the winning
bid. And not quite legally.
Hitchens casts a sideways glance at Owen.
HITCHENS
I’d say that gives you motive.
OWEN
It’s money, Detective. Not
something you’d kill for.
Hitchens jots down notes.
HITCHENS
Has everyone been here all night?
OWEN
(pause)
I think ... yeah.
Owen sits up and snaps his fingers.
OWEN (CONT’D)
No, wait. R.V. ran to get some dip,
but he was only gone a few minutes.
HITCHENS
But Mr. Ellis was here?
OWEN
Yeah, Tom took a short nap;
otherwise, he was in the kitchen.
Hitchens jots down a few more notes.
HITCHENS
Okay, that's all for now.
(a beat)
Would you ask R.V. to come in?

LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
Hitchens leans back on the sofa.

HITCHENS
When I asked Owen if everyone had
been here all night, he hesitated.
R.V.
Christ’s sake, maybe he just
hesitated. Nobody went anywhere but
me. I ran to get dip.
HITCHENS
So nobody was gone for more than a
minute or two?
R.V. pauses.
R.V.
Tom took a quick nap, but he wasn't
more than twenty or thirty minutes,
and I doubt I was more than
fifteen. Maybe twenty.
Hitchens looks at R.V. quizzically.
HITCHENS
Owen said Tom was on a tight leash?
R.V. laughs sarcastically.
R.V.
He’s being nice. Alyssa has all the
money, and she controls it. There’s
not much Tom can do without her OK.
HITCHENS
Did he have reason to harm her?
R.V. brushes his hand in the air.
R.V.
Oh, hell no! Tom wouldn’t hurt a
soul; besides, he worshipped her.
HITCHENS
And he never left the house?
R.V. shakes his head.
R.V.
I wasn't here the whole time he
napped, but the others would have
seen him if he left.
HITCHENS
Where’s the bedroom?
R.V. points to a door about ten feet away, then gets up and
leads Hitchens to it.

MASTER BEDROOM AND BATHROOM — CONTINUOUS
Hitchens enters the bedroom and then walks into the bathroom.
It has two vanities, a shower, and a Jacuzzi. At the end of
the bathroom is a door.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In Ed's kitchen, Detective Hitchens reveals the murder of Mrs. Ellis, prompting emotional turmoil in Tom, who feels guilty about their last argument. As Hitchens questions Owen, he learns about Alyssa's controlling nature and a past incident that could suggest motive. R.V. defends Tom's innocence, asserting he was present during the murder. The scene is tense and somber, filled with grief and suspicion, as Hitchens prepares to investigate further by asking R.V. to show him the crime scene.
Strengths
  • Effective tension-building
  • Strong emotional impact
  • Intriguing character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some cliched dialogue
  • Lack of visual variety in settings

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.5

The scene effectively builds tension and intrigue through the detectives' questioning of suspects, hinting at underlying motives and secrets. The emotional impact is strong, especially with Tom's reaction to his wife's death.


Story Content

Concept: 8

The concept of investigating a murder and exploring potential suspects' motives is engaging and keeps the audience invested in the unfolding mystery.

Plot: 8.5

The plot advances significantly as the detectives gather information and suspects reveal crucial details, adding layers to the narrative and increasing suspense.

Originality: 9

The scene introduces a fresh approach to the murder mystery genre by focusing on the personal relationships and conflicts of the characters involved. The authenticity of the dialogue and character actions adds to the originality of the scene.


Character Development

Characters: 8

The characters are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motives that drive the scene forward. Their interactions provide insight into their relationships and potential conflicts.

Character Changes: 8

The characters undergo subtle changes as their secrets and motives are revealed, adding depth to their personalities and relationships.

Internal Goal: 8

Tom's internal goal in this scene is to deal with the guilt and regret he feels over his argument with Mrs. Ellis before her murder. He is struggling with his emotions and the realization that he may never have the chance to make amends.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal in this scene is to cooperate with the police investigation and clear his name of any suspicion in the murder of Mrs. Ellis.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8

The level of conflict is high, with suspects being questioned about their relationships with the victim and potential motives for the crime. Tensions run high as secrets are uncovered.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motivations and suspicions among the characters that create obstacles for the protagonist and raise doubts about the truth of the investigation.

High Stakes: 8

The stakes are high as the detectives investigate a murder, suspects are questioned, and secrets are revealed, adding intensity and urgency to the scene.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by uncovering crucial information about the murder and potential suspects, setting the stage for further developments in the investigation.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting dynamics between the characters, the revelations about their relationships, and the unexpected twists in the investigation. The audience is kept on edge and unsure of the outcome.

Philosophical Conflict: 8

The philosophical conflict in this scene revolves around the themes of loyalty, trust, and betrayal. The characters are forced to confront their beliefs about each other and themselves in the face of a tragic event.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9

The scene has a significant emotional impact, especially with Tom's reaction to his wife's death and the detectives' probing questions. Grief, shock, and suspicion are palpable throughout.

Dialogue: 8.5

The dialogue is engaging and reveals important information about the characters and their connections to the victim. It adds depth to the scene and enhances the overall tension.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional conflicts, and suspenseful atmosphere created by the investigation and the characters' interactions. The reader is drawn into the mystery and invested in the outcome.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of dialogue, action, and description that maintains the tension and suspense throughout. The rhythm of the scene enhances the emotional impact of the characters' interactions.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 8

The scene follows the expected formatting for a screenplay, with clear scene headings, character names, and dialogue formatting. The visual descriptions enhance the reader's understanding of the setting and atmosphere.

Structure: 8

The scene follows the expected structure for a mystery genre screenplay, with a clear setup, conflict, and resolution. The pacing and rhythm of the scene contribute to its effectiveness in building suspense and intrigue.


Critique
  • The scene effectively conveys the gravity of the situation with the detectives informing the characters about Alyssa's murder. However, the emotional weight could be enhanced by incorporating more visceral reactions from Tom and Ed, as they are directly affected by the news.
  • The dialogue feels somewhat expository, particularly in the interactions between Hitchens and the witnesses. While it's important to gather information, the dialogue could be more natural and less like a police interrogation. Consider adding more emotional undertones to the conversations to reflect the shock and grief surrounding the murder.
  • Owen's character comes across as somewhat one-dimensional. While he expresses disbelief, his motivations and feelings about Alyssa could be explored further to add depth. This would help the audience connect with him and understand his perspective better.
  • The pacing of the scene could be improved. The transitions between characters feel abrupt, which can disrupt the flow. Consider using more transitional phrases or actions to create a smoother narrative flow as the focus shifts from one character to another.
  • The setting descriptions are minimal. While the kitchen and living room are mentioned, adding more sensory details could enhance the atmosphere. For example, describing the lighting, sounds, or even the smell of the kitchen could help immerse the audience in the scene.
Suggestions
  • Incorporate more physical reactions from Tom and Ed to the news of Alyssa's murder. This could include body language, facial expressions, or even moments of silence that convey their shock and grief.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it feel more organic. Instead of straightforward questions and answers, consider adding interruptions, emotional outbursts, or moments of hesitation that reflect the characters' emotional states.
  • Develop Owen's character further by including a personal anecdote or memory about Alyssa that reveals his feelings towards her, making his reaction more relatable and impactful.
  • Use transitional actions or dialogue to create smoother shifts between characters. For example, have characters react to each other's statements before moving on to the next speaker, which can help maintain the emotional continuity of the scene.
  • Enhance the setting descriptions by adding sensory details that evoke the atmosphere of the kitchen and living room. This could include the warmth of the kitchen, the flickering light from the lamps, or the tension in the air, which would help set the mood more effectively.



Scene 13 -  Tensions Rise at the Ellis House
EXT. RICHARDS’ HOUSE — CONTINUOUS
Hitchens opens the door and he and R.V. step onto a small
porch with a few steps leading to the yard. A large weeping
willow sits on the left, inside a six-foot picket fence.
Hitchens points to a house across the bayou.
HITCHENS
Isn't that the Ellis house?
R.V. looks over and nods.
R.V.
It is, but I told you earlier;
there's no way Tom did this.
HITCHENS
We never know what a person is, or
isn't, capable of.
HITCHENS (CONT’D)
One more thing. How do we know you
didn't stop by the Ellis house when
you went to get dip?
R.V.
Because, scumbag, you can ask the
clerk at the nearest bodega or the
one down the road. I went to get
dip. Period.

KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS
R.V. takes his seat, and Hitchens looks around the table and
points to Tom.
HITCHENS
Mr. Ellis, would you come with me?

LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Tom takes a seat in a stiff-backed chair by the fireplace.
TOM
What do you need?
Hitchens holds his notepad in front of him.

HITCHENS
A few of the men said you were gone
for half an hour or more.
TOM
I was tired, so I napped. Now I
wish I'd just gone home.
HITCHENS
Did you leave the house?
Tom looks at him as if he were nuts.
TOM
You fuckin' prick. Are you asking
me if I killed Alyssa?
HITCHENS
My apologies, sir, but somebody
did, and we have to eliminate every
possible suspect.

FOYER — CONTINUOUS
Ed opens the front door just as Ron dries his eyes. Ed hugs
him and pats his back.
ED
I'm so sorry, Ron. I can't believe
it. Your mom was a special woman.
RON
I need to see Dad.
Tom races into the foyer, followed by Hitchens. Tom wraps his
arms around Ron and both of them cry. They are still hugging
when Abbott pulls Ron aside.
ABBOTT
Would you mind coming into the
living room with me?

LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
Ron sits on the couch and rests his arm on the side.
ABBOTT
Are you up for a few questions? I
understand if you’re not.
Ron nods, then Abbott pulls out his notepad.
ABBOTT (CONT’D)
We found a few blades of wet grass
on the floor next to your mom. Any
idea —?

RON
Then whoever killed her, came in
the back door.
ABBOTT
Why do you say that?
RON
The back sprinklers go on at seven,
but the front ones don't go on
until midnight. And Mom didn’t
usually lock the back door.

KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS
Detective Hitchens steps into the kitchen and gestures to Ed.
HITCHENS
I'm going to check on a few things
outside the bathroom door, so if
you see anyone there, it's me.
ED
Call me if you need anything.
HITCHENS
Do we have your permission to
search the house?
ED
Of course. No problem.
Hitchens walks to the outside door, flips the light switch
on, then opens it.
Genres: ["Crime","Drama","Mystery"]

Summary In a tense scene at the Ellis house, Detective Hitchens interrogates Tom about his alibi, leading to a heated confrontation as Tom defensively denies any involvement in the murder. R.V. passionately defends Tom's innocence, frustrated by Hitchens' accusations. Meanwhile, Ron, grieving the loss of his mother, finds comfort in Ed, who later permits Hitchens to search the house. Abbott questions Ron about the circumstances of his mother's death, revealing critical details about the crime scene. The emotional tone is somber, reflecting the gravity of the investigation and the characters' grief.
Strengths
  • Building tension
  • Emotional depth
  • Mystery elements
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development
  • Predictable dialogue

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 8.7

The scene effectively builds tension and emotion, introduces key plot points, and sets the stage for further investigation, but could benefit from more dynamic character interactions and deeper exploration of motives.


Story Content

Concept: 8.6

The concept of investigating a murder and questioning suspects is well-executed, but could be further developed to deepen the complexity of the characters and their relationships.

Plot: 8.7

The plot progresses by introducing new clues and suspects, raising questions about the motives behind the murder, and setting up potential conflicts and revelations for future scenes.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a murder investigation in a suburban setting, blending elements of mystery and emotional turmoil. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and contribute to the tension.


Character Development

Characters: 8.4

The characters show emotional depth and conflicting motivations, but could benefit from more nuanced development and interactions to enhance their complexity and engagement with the audience.

Character Changes: 8

Some characters show initial changes in their emotional states and relationships due to the murder, setting the stage for potential growth and transformation in future scenes.

Internal Goal: 8

R.V.'s internal goal is to prove his innocence and loyalty to his friend Tom. This reflects his need for trust and loyalty in his relationships.

External Goal: 7

The protagonist's external goal is to clear his name and find the real killer. This reflects the immediate challenge of being a suspect in a murder investigation.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 8.7

The scene maintains a high level of conflict through the investigation, emotional turmoil, and suspicions among the characters, driving the narrative forward and keeping the audience engaged.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with characters facing suspicion, accusations, and emotional turmoil as they navigate the murder investigation.

High Stakes: 9

The high stakes of a murder investigation, emotional turmoil, and potential suspects raise the tension and urgency of the scene, highlighting the gravity of the situation for the characters involved.

Story Forward: 9

The scene moves the story forward by introducing key information, suspects, and conflicts, advancing the investigation and deepening the mystery surrounding the murder.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the shifting suspicions and revelations about the murder, keeping the audience guessing.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict is between trust and suspicion. The characters must navigate their beliefs about each other's innocence or guilt.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 8.9

The scene evokes strong emotions through the characters' reactions to the murder, their grief, guilt, and suspicions, creating a poignant and gripping atmosphere that resonates with the audience.

Dialogue: 8.6

The dialogue effectively conveys information, emotions, and tensions between characters, but could be more impactful with sharper exchanges and deeper insights into their personalities.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of the high stakes, emotional conflict, and the mystery surrounding the murder investigation.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, balancing dialogue, action, and investigation to maintain tension and momentum.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows standard screenplay formatting, making it easy to follow and visualize.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure of investigation and interrogation, building tension and revealing clues.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension by showcasing the detectives' investigation and the emotional turmoil of the characters involved. However, the dialogue can feel a bit expository at times, particularly when Hitchens questions Tom. The phrasing could be more natural and less like a police interrogation to maintain the emotional weight of the moment.
  • R.V.'s defense of Tom feels somewhat abrupt and could benefit from more context or emotional depth. As it stands, it reads as a straightforward denial without much nuance. Adding a layer of personal stakes for R.V. could enhance the scene's emotional impact.
  • The transitions between locations (from the porch to the kitchen to the living room) could be smoother. The scene jumps between settings quickly, which can disorient the audience. Consider using more descriptive transitions to guide the viewer through the shifts in location.
  • The emotional reactions of Ron and Tom are powerful, but they could be further developed. For instance, showing more of Ron's internal struggle or his memories of his mother could deepen the audience's connection to the characters and heighten the stakes.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. The dialogue-heavy sections could benefit from moments of silence or action to allow the audience to absorb the gravity of the situation. This would also help to balance the tension with moments of reflection.
Suggestions
  • Revise the dialogue to make it feel more organic and less like a scripted interrogation. Consider how real conversations flow, especially in high-stress situations.
  • Add more emotional context to R.V.'s defense of Tom. Perhaps he could share a personal anecdote about Tom or express his own fears about the implications of the investigation.
  • Incorporate smoother transitions between the different locations. Use visual cues or character actions to guide the audience through the scene changes.
  • Expand on Ron's emotional state. Include brief flashbacks or memories of his mother to create a stronger emotional connection and to illustrate the impact of her loss.
  • Introduce pauses or moments of silence in the dialogue to allow the weight of the situation to resonate with the audience. This can enhance the emotional stakes and give characters time to process their feelings.



Scene 14 -  Tensions Unraveled
EXT. ED'S HOUSE — NIGHT
Hitchens walks onto the porch and inspects the railings and
stairs but sees no signs of recent usage. He then walks
underneath the large weeping willow tree inside the corner of
the fence. It's a big tree with thick branches.
He looks up and sees a window above, one with easy access to
the tree limbs.

INT. LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
Hitchens calls Tom and Ron to the living room. He stands when
they enter, and gestures for them to sit in the chairs.
HITCHENS
I don't want to upset either of
you, but we need a suspect. Most
murders are committed by people the
victim knows, so if it's not either
of you, who's left?
(MORE)
HITCHENS (CONT’D)
Who do you know that meant her harm
or who would benefit from her
death?
Hitchens looks to Tom, but his head is buried in his hands.
Ron pats Tom's back and turns to Hitchens.
RON
My mom has money, but only Dad and
I are in her will, and she promised
to give Shawna and I money for a
house.
HITCHENS
So it's just coincidence that
you're in town and your mother is
killed when you stand to inherit a
lot of money?
Ron grits his teeth and balls his hands into fists.
RON
You can shove coincidence up your
ass sideways, Detective. Stop
trying to find an easy suspect and
do some real investigating.
Tom nods. He looks as if he'll say something, but then just
nods again. Hitchens ignores Ron and turns to Tom.
HITCHENS
What about you, Mr. Ellis? What are
your thoughts on the matter?
TOM
I've got nothing. Alyssa and I had
arguments over the years, but
nothing that mattered.
(a pause)
One thing ... Never mind.
HITCHENS
What were you going to say?
TOM
It's just that ...
Tom leans forward and whispers.
TOM (CONT’D)
I owe R.V. a good deal of money,
and he asked about it tonight.
HITCHENS
How much do you owe him?
TOM
It's a sizable chunk — $20,000.

Abbott enters the room, and Hitchens stands and greets him.
Abbott whispers something, and Hitchens whispers back.
HITCHENS
Mr. Ellis, how about you and Ron
stay here while I go with Dave?


FOYER — CONTINUOUS
Hitchens and Abbott confer in the foyer, keeping their voices
low. Hitchens walks toward the kitchen and calls Ed.
HITCHENS
Mr. Richards, I've talked to almost
everyone. The only ones left are
your wife and daughter. Can you ask
them to join us in the living room,
please? And one at a time.
LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Hitchens walks into the living room and tells Tom and Ron
they can leave. As they exit the room, MARY (40, glasses,
hair in bun) and Shawna come down the stairs.
Shawna stops and hugs Ron as they pass in the hall, and Mary
continues to the living room.

SHAWNA
I'm so sorry, Ron. Your mom was
sweet. I still can't believe it.


LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

Mary sits with her hands folded on her lap.

MARY
Detective, how may I help?

HITCHENS
Ma’am, do you know any reason why
anyone would harm Mrs. Ellis?

Mary shakes her head vehemently.

MARY
I’ve heard Alyssa could be a tough
boss, but all I’ve ever seen is her
kindness, and I know everyone at
the tennis club feels the same way.

HITCHENS
I’ve heard she kept Mr. Ellis on a
tight leash.

MARY
And he needed to be, but it wasn’t
tight enough to choke him.

HITCHENS
Did they have infidelity problems?

MARY
(laughing)
Heavens, no. They loved each other,
and as far as I know, Tom’s
gambling was their only problem.

HITCHENS
Okay, Mrs. Richards, thank you.

As Mary stands, Hitchens calls Shawna.
HITCHENS (CONT’D)
Shawna, would you mind taking a
seat? I have a few questions.
Shawna kisses Ron on the cheek and then takes a seat on the
cushion next to Hitchens.
Hitchens smiles, then shifts to face Shawna.
HITCHENS (CONT’D)
I was chatting with my Dave about
how the willow tree must have been
great when you were growing up.
(A beat)
You know, like when teenagers want
to sneak out.
Shawna snorts.
SHAWNA
Are you kidding me? My dad probably
had sensors on the limbs.
HITCHENS
So he was a stickler for the rules?
SHAWNA
Still is. I need to tell him where
I am at all times and call if I'm
going to be somewhere else.
HITCHENS
Can't say that I blame him. I'm
almost as bad with my son. If I had
a daughter, I'd do the same.
Shawna turns her head to the side.

SHAWNA
I don’t like it, but I understand.
HITCHENS
Have you been home all night?
Shawna sits up straight and folds her hands on her lap.
SHAWNA
I fixed food for the game, then I
went upstairs. After that, I fell
asleep until you came.
HITCHENS
And you didn't go out?
Shawna shakes her head.
HITCHENS (CONT’D)
What were you doing between 8:30
and 9:00?
SHAWNA
I guess I was sleeping.
Abbott looks at his notepad.
HITCHENS
Ron called at 8:45. Did you call
him back to see what he wanted?
Shawna searches her pocket.
SHAWNA
I don't know where my phone is.
Maybe I left it in my room.
She gets up to leave, but Hitchens stops her.
HITCHENS
We can check later; besides, we’re
about done for now. Would you mind
asking your dad to come in?
Ed walks in and sits down across from Hitchens.
ED
Shawna said you wanted to talk.
HITCHENS
We do, Mr. Richards, but you're not
going to like what we say.
ED
What the hell does that mean?

HITCHENS
We have reason to believe Shawna
had something to do with Mrs.
Ellis's murder. There are other
suspects, but none with motive and
opportunity as strong as Shawna's.
Ed laughs.
ED
Detective, if you knew Shawna,
you'd know how ridiculous that is;
She's engaged to Alyssa's son.
HITCHENS
Being engaged isn't an alibi, and
we already know that she didn't
answer a call from Ron at 8:45, the
time of the murder, and —
Ed scoffs and brushes his hand in the air.
ED
She's a suspect because she didn't
answer a call? That's bullshit, and
I can prove it.
Ed pulls out his cell phone and navigates to the app used for
tracking by GPS. He types in Shawna's name and waits.
ED (CONT’D)
This is a tracking app that shows
where her phone is in real-time. It
also shows where she's been.
(a beat)
I just requested her tracking
information for the night.
HITCHENS
How accurate is it?
ED
Down to about 50 or 60 feet.
Within seconds, the app pulls up a map showing her at Ed's
location. But the history of where she's been shows her at
the Ellis house at 8:45, the approximate time of the murder.
HITCHENS
Explain that.
Ed shakes his head and furrows his brow. His cheeks turn red
as if he's embarrassed.
ED
Let me reboot the app.
Ed quits the app, restarts the phone, and opens the app
again. After entering her name, the same stats appear.

ED (CONT’D)
That can't be. It can't! Shawna
would never do anything to Alyssa.
We'll get this straightened out.
Ed steps into the hallway and calls Shawna.
ED (CONT’D)
Shawna! Get down here.
Shawna sits and smiles. Ed sits across from her, trembling.
ED (CONT’D)
What the hell were you doing at
Ron's house tonight?
Shawna shakes her head.
SHAWNA
I wasn't at Ron's house.
ED
Don't lie to me, girl. I have you
on a GPS tracking app, and it shows
you there when Alyssa was killed.
SHAWNA
I can't believe you're tracking me!
ED
And I can't believe you're worried
about me tracking you when you're
likely facing murder charges.
SHAWNA
Murder? What are you talking about?
HITCHENS
What your father is trying to say,
is that the GPS data makes you the
primary suspect.
Abbott walks in and whispers to Hitchens, then shows him a
piece of evidence in a plastic bag.
HITCHENS (CONT’D)
R.V. can you come in here?
R.V. walks into the living room and sits.
R.V.
What do y’all need?
ABBOTT
We checked with the clerk at the
bodegas you mentioned.

R.V.
And if you checked, I’m sure he
told you I was there, buying dip.
ABBOTT
We also looked at the videotape.
Abbott holds up the evidence bag.
ABBOTT (CONT’D)
When we zoomed in, we saw this
piece of evidence coming off your
shoe. I bet when we get it
analyzed, it will show it to be the
grass from Ellis’s backyard.
R.V.
That’s bullshit!
HITCHENS
Mr. Richards, would you dial
Shawna’s phone, please?
A ringing sound is heard in the foyer.
SHAWNA
I must have left it in my jacket.
Abbott returns smirking.
ABBOTT
You did, Shawna. You must have
forgotten to take it out when you
came back from the Ellis house.
SHAWNA
I wasn’t at the Ellis house.
Abbott pats her back.
ABBOTT
I know you weren't — now, I do. It
seems as if R.V. grabbed your
jacket by mistake, or on purpose,
so he could frame you.
R.V.
Are you crazy?
ABBOTT
Not a bit R.V. We examined the
store’s videotape. It clearly shows
you wearing Shawna's jacket.
Abbott points to a logo on the back of the jacket.

ABBOTT (CONT’D)
See that? You can see the high
school logo on the back. Why did
you wear her hoodie to the store?
Abbott holds up the evidence bag when R.V. doesn’t answer.
ABBOTT (CONT’D)
You can also see this crucial piece
of evidence left on the floor from
your shoe.
R.V. scrunches his eyebrows.
R.V.
Maybe I grabbed the wrong jacket.
They’re both black.
ABBOTT
Yes, you did, R.V. And you wore it
when you killed Mrs. Ellis, which
is why Mr. Richard’s app shows
Shawna’s phone at the Ellis house
at the time of her murder.
Hitchens leans forward.
HITCHENS
You want to tell us about it?
Tom bursts into the room and grabs R.V. by the neck. He
squeezes while banging his head against the back of the
chair. Ron rushes over and punches R.V. in the face
repeatedly.
Abbott and Hitchens pull Tom off R.V., and while Hitchens
restrains him, Abbott grabs Ron.
R.V. wipes blood from his face, and Tom glares.
TOM
You killed her for money! For
goddamn money? You son of a bitch!
R.V.
I didn’t do anything.
Abbott looks at his notes.
ABBOTT
We timed it out, R.V. You had
plenty of time to stop at the Ellis
house and then get to the bodegas
and back.
(a beat)
(MORE)
ABBOTT (CONT’D)
If it weren’t for the clerk
noticing the high school logo, you
might have gotten away with it.
R.V.
Good luck proving that.
ABBOTT
I don’t think we’ll have a problem.
Between the tape showing you
wearing the jacket and showing the
evidence coming from your shoe, not
to mention Ed’s tracking app, we’ve
got you nailed.
Ron rushes over and punches R.V. in the face again.
RON
You son of a bitch!
Hitchens stands, puts cuffs on R.V, and leads him toward the
front door. Tom struggles to restrain Ron as he passes.
HITCHENS
You have the right to remain ...
FADE OUT.
Genres: ["Crime","Mystery","Drama"]

Summary Detective Hitchens investigates the murder of Alyssa Ellis at Ed's house, questioning Tom and Ron, which leads to rising tensions over motives. Tom's financial troubles with R.V. surface, while Shawna's GPS evidence implicates her in the crime, causing a confrontation with her father, Ed. As evidence mounts against R.V., a physical altercation breaks out, culminating in Hitchens arresting R.V. after reading him his rights.
Strengths
  • Strong character development
  • Compelling plot twists
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel repetitive
  • Character motivations could be further explored

Ratings
Overall

Overall: 9.2

The scene is well-structured, with a strong focus on character interactions and plot development. The execution is compelling, drawing the audience into the mystery and emotional turmoil of the characters. The concept of unraveling the truth behind the murder is engaging and keeps the audience invested.


Story Content

Concept: 9

The concept of investigating a murder and uncovering unexpected suspects is intriguing and well-executed. The scene effectively explores themes of betrayal, greed, and desperation, adding depth to the narrative.

Plot: 9.2

The plot of the scene is crucial in advancing the overall story, revealing key information about the murder and the suspects involved. The plot twists and turns keep the audience guessing and engaged, leading to a satisfying resolution.

Originality: 8

The scene introduces a fresh take on the murder mystery genre by incorporating elements of technology, family dynamics, and betrayal. The characters' actions and dialogue feel authentic and add depth to the narrative.


Character Development

Characters: 9

The characters in the scene are well-developed, with distinct personalities and motivations. Their interactions drive the narrative forward and add depth to the story. The emotional turmoil of the characters is effectively portrayed, adding layers to the scene.

Character Changes: 9

Several characters undergo significant changes in the scene, particularly Shawna and R.V. Their motives and actions are revealed, leading to a shift in their relationships and perceptions. The emotional impact of the murder investigation prompts character growth and development.

Internal Goal: 9

The protagonist's internal goal is to uncover the truth behind the murder and protect the innocent. This reflects his desire for justice and his fear of failing to solve the case.

External Goal: 8

The protagonist's external goal is to find the murderer and bring them to justice. This reflects the immediate challenge he faces in solving the case and maintaining order in the community.


Scene Elements

Conflict Level: 9

The scene is filled with conflict, both internal and external, as the characters grapple with the shocking revelation of the murder and the suspects involved. The high stakes and emotional turmoil drive the tension and suspense of the scene.

Opposition: 8

The opposition in the scene is strong, with conflicting motives, hidden agendas, and intense confrontations between the characters. The audience is kept on their toes as they navigate the complex web of relationships and suspicions.

High Stakes: 9

The stakes are high in the scene, with the investigation of a murder and the revelation of unexpected suspects. The emotional turmoil and tension add to the high stakes, keeping the audience engaged and invested in the outcome.

Story Forward: 9

The scene effectively moves the story forward by revealing key information about the murder investigation and the suspects involved. The plot twists and character revelations propel the narrative, setting up future developments and resolutions.

Unpredictability: 8

This scene is unpredictable because of the unexpected plot developments, character revelations, and dramatic confrontations. The audience is kept guessing about the true culprit until the final moments.

Philosophical Conflict: 7

The philosophical conflict revolves around the themes of trust, betrayal, and appearances vs. reality. The characters' beliefs and values are challenged as they confront the possibility of betrayal within their close-knit community.


Audience Engagement

Emotional Impact: 9.2

The scene has a high emotional impact, eliciting shock, despair, and tension from the characters and the audience. The emotional turmoil of the characters is effectively conveyed, drawing the audience into the story.

Dialogue: 9

The dialogue in the scene is engaging and realistic, reflecting the tension and emotional stakes of the situation. The conversations between the characters reveal important information and drive the plot forward.

Engagement: 9

This scene is engaging because of its intense dialogue, dramatic confrontations, and unexpected plot twists. The audience is kept on the edge of their seats as the mystery unfolds.

Pacing: 9

The pacing of the scene is well-executed, with a balance of tension-building moments, character interactions, and plot revelations. The rhythm of the scene contributes to its overall effectiveness.


Technical Aspect

Formatting: 9

The scene follows the expected format for its genre, with clear scene transitions, dialogue formatting, and visual descriptions. The formatting enhances the readability and impact of the scene.

Structure: 9

The scene follows a clear structure with well-defined character interactions, plot progression, and dramatic tension. The pacing and formatting enhance the effectiveness of the scene.


Critique
  • The scene effectively builds tension through the interrogation of multiple characters, but it could benefit from clearer stakes. While the audience understands the gravity of the situation, the emotional stakes for each character could be more explicitly defined to enhance viewer engagement.
  • The dialogue is functional but lacks a distinct voice for each character. For instance, Ron's outburst feels somewhat generic and could be more personalized to reflect his unique relationship with his mother and the emotional turmoil he is experiencing. Each character's dialogue should reflect their individual motivations and emotional states more distinctly.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven. The transition from Hitchens questioning Tom and Ron to the introduction of Mary and Shawna is abrupt. A smoother transition could help maintain the scene's momentum and keep the audience engaged.
  • The use of the GPS tracking app as a plot device is clever, but it could be introduced more organically. Instead of having Ed pull it out in a moment of frustration, consider foreshadowing its importance earlier in the scene or even in previous scenes to create a more cohesive narrative.
  • The physical altercation at the end of the scene feels somewhat rushed and could benefit from more buildup. The emotional intensity of Tom and Ron's reactions to R.V. could be explored further to make the confrontation feel more justified and impactful.
Suggestions
  • Enhance character differentiation by giving each character a unique way of speaking or reacting to the situation. This will help the audience connect with them on a deeper level.
  • Consider adding more internal monologue or emotional reflection from Tom and Ron during the questioning to provide insight into their mental states and heighten the emotional stakes.
  • Smooth out the transitions between characters and scenes to maintain a consistent flow. This could involve adding brief moments of silence or reactions that allow the audience to absorb the weight of the dialogue.
  • Introduce the GPS tracking app earlier in the narrative, perhaps through a casual conversation about technology or safety, to make its sudden appearance feel more natural.
  • Expand the physical confrontation to include more dialogue or emotional exchanges that reflect the characters' relationships and motivations, making the climax of the scene feel more earned.