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Scene 1 -  The Cabin and the Courtroom
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION



Written by


Frank Darabont




Based upon the story
Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption
by Stephen King
INT -- CABIN -- NIGHT (1946)

A dark, empty room.

The door bursts open. A MAN and WOMAN enter, drunk and
giggling, horny as hell. No sooner is the door shut than
they're all over each other, ripping at clothes, pawing at
flesh, mouths locked together.

He gropes for a lamp, tries to turn it on, knocks it over
instead. Hell with it. He's got more urgent things to do,
like getting her blouse open and his hands on her breasts.
She arches, moaning, fumbling with his fly. He slams her
against the wall, ripping her skirt. We hear fabric tear.

He enters her right then and there, roughly, up against the
wall. She cries out, hitting her head against the wall but
not caring, grinding against him, clawing his back,
shivering with the sensations running through her. He
carries her across the room with her legs wrapped around
him. They fall onto the bed.

CAMERA PULLS BACK, exiting through the window, traveling
smoothly outside...

EXT -- CABIN -- NIGHT (1946)

...to reveal the bungalow, remote in a wooded area, the
lovers' cries spilling into the night...

...and we drift down a wooded path, the sounds of rutting
passion growing fainter, mingling now with the night sounds
of crickets and hoot owls...

...and we begin to hear FAINT MUSIC in the woods, tinny and
incongruous, and still we keep PULLING BACK until...

...a car is revealed. A 1946 Plymouth. Parked in a clearing.

INT -- PLYMOUTH -- NIGHT (1946)

ANDY DUFRESNE, mid-20's, wire rim glasses, three-piece suit.
Under normal circumstances a respectable, solid citizen;
hardly dangerous, perhaps even meek. But these circumstances
are far from normal. He is disheveled, unshaven, and very
drunk. A cigarette smolders in his mouth. His eyes, flinty
and hard, are riveted to the bungalow up the path.

He can hear them fucking from here.

He raises a bottle of bourbon and knocks it back. The radio
plays softly, painfully romantic, taunting him:
2.


You stepped out of a dream... You are too wonderful... To be
what you seem...

He opens the glove compartment, pulls out an object wrapped
in a rag. He lays it in his lap and unwraps it carefully --

-- revealing a .38 revolver. Oily, black, evil.

He grabs a box of bullets. Spills them everywhere, all over
the seats and floor. Clumsy. He picks bullets off his lap,
loading them into the gun, one by one, methodical and grim.
Six in the chamber. His gaze goes back to the bungalow.

He shuts off the radio. Abrupt silence, except for the
distant lovers' moans. He takes another shot of bourbon
courage, then opens the door and steps from the car.

EXT -- PLYMOUTH -- NIGHT (1946)

His wingtip shoes crunch on gravel. Loose bullets scatter to
the ground. The bourbon bottle drops and shatters.

He starts up the path, unsteady on his feet. The closer he
gets, the louder the lovemaking becomes. Louder and more
frenzied. The lovers are reaching a climax, their sounds of
passion degenerating into rhythmic gasps and grunts.

WOMAN (O.S.)
Oh god...oh god...oh god...

Andy lurches to a stop, listening. The woman cries out in
orgasm. The sound slams into Andy's brain like an icepick.
He shuts his eyes tightly, wishing the sound would stop.

It finally does, dying away like a siren until all that's
left is the shallow gasping and panting of post-coitus. We
hear languorous laughter, moans of satisfaction.

WOMAN (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Oh god...that's sooo good...you're
the best...the best I ever had...

Andy just stands and listens, devastated. He doesn't look
like much of a killer now; he's just a sad little man on a
dirt path in the woods, tears streaming down his face, a
loaded gun held loosely at his side. A pathetic figure,
really.

FADE TO BLACK:
1ST TITLE UP
3.


INT -- COURTROOM -- DAY (1946)

THE JURY listens like a gallery of mannequins on display,
pale-faced and stupefied.

D.A. (O.S.)
Mr. Dufresne, describe the
confrontation you had with your
wife the night she was murdered.

ANDY DUFRESNE
is on the witness stand, hands
folded, suit and tie pressed, hair
meticulously combed. He speaks in
soft, measured tones:

ANDY
It was very bitter. She said she
was glad I knew, that she hated all
the sneaking around. She said she
wanted a divorce in Reno.

D.A.
What was your response?

ANDY
I told her I would not grant one.

D.A.
(refers to his notes) I'll see you
in Hell before I see you in Reno.
Those were the words you used, Mr.
Dufresne, according to the
testimony of your neighbors.

ANDY
If they say so. I really don't
remember. I was upset.

FADE TO BLACK:
2ND TITLE UP

D.A.
What happened after you and your
wife argued?

ANDY
She packed a bag and went to stay
with Mr. Quentin.

D.A.
Glenn Quentin. The golf pro at the
Falmouth Hills Country Club.
(MORE)
4.

D.A. (CONT'D)
The man you had recently discovered
was her lover. (Andy nods) Did you
follow her?

ANDY
I went to a few bars first. Later,
I decided to drive to Mr. Quentin's
home and confront them. They
weren't there...so I parked my car
in the turnout...and waited.

D.A.
With what intention?

ANDY
I'm not sure. I was confused.
Drunk. I think mostly I wanted to
scare them.

D.A.
You had a gun with you?

ANDY
Yes. I did.

FADE TO BLACK:
3RD TITLE UP

D.A.
When they arrived, you went up to
the house and murdered them?
Genres: ["Drama","Crime"]

Summary The scene starts with a couple having rough sex on a cabin, soon showing Andy, who is drunk and armed with a revolver, lurking outside. It then shifts to a courtroom where Andy Dufresne is on trial for the murder of his wife and her lover.
Strengths "Intense introduction to one of the main characters, strong visuals, and dialogue."
Weaknesses "Lack of clarity in some areas of the scene, such as the connection between the lovemaking and Andy."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would critique this scene as follows:

The opening scene sets a tone of raw sexuality that is sharply contrasted by the courtroom scene that follows it. This contrasting juxtaposition sets up the central irony of the film: a man who is capable of extreme violence is also capable of deep compassion and redemption. The dialogue and character development throughout the scene are believable and natural, leading the audience to feel that they are watching real people in a real-life situation. Frank Darabont does a superb job of writing the scene with a view to creating a powerful contrast between the innocence of the lovers and the calculative nature of Andy.

The descriptions of the movements, sounds, and emotions of the characters are short, crisp, and evocative, keeping the audience engaged throughout the scene.

The use of camera angles, panning, and zooming is effective in building suspense and tension. The scene's visual narrative is appealing and effectively captures the different states of mind of the characters.

The final courtroom scene is also powerfully written. The dialogue is effectively crafted to highlight the central irony of the story - that a man who committed a heinous crime is also capable of redemption.

Overall, this scene is a superb example of screenwriting at its finest.
Suggestions As a suggestion, this scene could benefit from more dialogue and character development for Andy Dufresne. It might be helpful to show more of his internal struggle and emotions, and how he arrived at the decision to kill his wife and her lover. Additionally, the scene could be restructured to avoid gratuitous depictions of the sexual encounter and instead focus on Andy's actions and thoughts leading up to the murder. This would help to maintain a more respectful and appropriate tone for the scene.



Scene 2 -  Murder Trial
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
ANDY
No. I was sobering up. I realized
she wasn't worth it. I decided to
let her have her quickie divorce.

D.A.
Quickie divorce indeed. A .38
caliber divorce, wrapped in a
handtowel to muffle the shots,
isn't that what you mean? And then
you shot her lover!

ANDY
I did not. I got back in the car
and drove home to sleep it off.
Along the way, I stopped and threw
my gun into the Royal River. I feel
I've been very clear on this point.
5.


D.A.
Yes, you have. Where I get hazy,
though, is the part where the
cleaning woman shows up the next
morning and finds your wife and her
lover in bed, riddled with .38
caliber bullets. Does that strike
you as a fantastic coincidence, Mr.
Dufresne, or is it just me?

ANDY
(softly)
Yes. It does.

D.A.
I'm sorry, Mr. Dufresne, I don't
think the jury heard that.

ANDY
Yes. It does.

D.A.
Does what?

ANDY
Strike me as a fantastic
coincidence.

D.A.
On that, sir, we are in accord...

FADE TO BLACK!
4TH TITLE UP

D.A. (CONT’D)
You claim you threw your gun into
the Royal River before the murders
took place. That's rather
convenient.

ANDY
It's the truth.

D.A.
You recall Lt. Mincher's testimony?
He and his men dragged that river
for three days and nary a gun was
found. So no comparison can be made
between your gun and the bullets
taken from the bloodstained corpses
of the victims. That's also rather
convenient, isn't it, Mr. Dufresne?
6.


ANDY
(faint, bitter smile)
Since I am innocent of this crime,
sir, I find it decidedly
inconvenient the gun was never
found.

FADE TO BLACK:
STH TITLE UP

INT -- COURTROOM -- DAY (1946)

The D.A. holds the jury spellbound with his closing
summation:

D.A.
Ladies and gentlemen, you've heard
all the evidence, you know all the
facts. We have the accused at the
scene of the crime. We have foot
prints. Tire tracks. Bullets
scattered on the ground which bear
his fingerprints. A broken bourbon
bottle, likewise with fingerprints.
Most of all, we have a beautiful
young woman and her lover lying
dead in each other's arms. They had
sinned. But was their crime so
great as to merit a death sentence?

He gestures to Andy sitting quietly with his ATTORNEY.

D.A. (CONT’D)
I suspect Mr. Dufresne's answer to
that would be yes. I further
suspect he carried out that
sentence on the night of September
this year of our Lord, 1946, by
pumping four bullets into his wife
and another four into Glenn
Quentin. And while you think about
that, think about this...

He picks up a revolver, spins the cylinder before their eyes
like a carnival barker spinning a wheel of fortune.

D.A. (CONT’D)
A revolver holds six bullets, not
eight. I submit to you this was not
a hot-blooded crime of passion!
That could at least be understood,
if not condoned. No, this was
revenge of a much more brutal and
cold-blooded nature. Consider!
(MORE)
7.

D.A. (CONT’D)
Four bullets per victim! Not six
shots fired, but eight! That means
he fired the gun empty...and then
stopped to reload so he could shoot
each of them again! An extra bullet
per lover...right in the head. (a
few JURORS shiver) I'm done
talking. You people are all decent,
God-fearing Christian folk. You
know what to do.

FADE TO BLACK: 6TH TITLE UP

INT -- JURY ROOM -- DAY (1946)

CAMERA TRACKS down a long table, moving from one JUROR to
the next. These decent, God-fearing Christians are chowing
down on a nice fried chicken dinner provided them by the
county, smacking greasy lips and gnawing cobbettes of corn.

VOICE (O.S.)
Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty...

We find the FOREMAN at the head of the table, sorting votes.

FADE TO BLACK: 7TH TITLE UP

INT -- COURTROOM -- DAY (1946)

Andy stands before the dias. THE JUDGE peers down, framed by
a carved frieze of blind Lady Justice on the wall.

JUDGE
You strike me as a particularly icy
and remorseless man, Mr. Dufresne.
It chills my blood just to look at
you. By the power vested in me by
the State of Maine, I hereby order
you to serve two life sentences,
back to back, one for each of your
victims. So be it.

He raps his gavel as we

CRASH TO BLACK: LAST TITLE UP.

AN IRON-BARRED DOOR

slides open with an enormous CLANG. A stark room waits
beyond. CAMERA PUSHES through. SEVEN HUMORLESS MEN sit side
by side at a long table. An empty chair faces them. We are
now in:
8.


INT -- SHAWSHANK HEARINGS ROOM -- DAY (1947)

RED enters, removes his cap and waits by the chair.

MAN #1
Sit.

Red sits, tries not to slouch. The chair is uncomfortable.

MAN #2
We see by your file you've served
twenty years of a life sentence.

MAN #3
You feel you've been rehabilitated?

RED
Yes, sir. Absolutely. I've learned
my lesson. I can honestly say I'm a
changed man. I'm no longer a danger
to society. That's the God's honest
truth. No doubt about it.

The men just stare at him. One stifles a yawn.

CLOSEUP -- PAROLE FORM

A big rubber stamp slams down: "REJECTED" in red ink.

EXT -- EXERCISE YARD -- SHAWSHANK PRISON -- DUSK (1947)
Genres: ["Drama","Crime","Thriller"]

Summary Andy Dufresne is on trial for the murder of his wife and her lover.
Strengths "Tense confrontation between the defendant and the prosecutor"
Weaknesses "Dialogue could have been more impactful"
Critique Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging. The dialogue between Andy and the DA is tense and the suspense builds effectively. One point of critique would be that some of the lines feel a bit cliché, such as the DA spinning the revolver and the jurors chowing down on fried chicken. However, this is a minor issue and does not detract significantly from the quality of the scene. One potential improvement could be to add more physical action to break up the dialogue and make the scene more visually interesting. Overall, though, the scene effectively advances the story and builds tension.
Suggestions One suggestion would be to add more visual elements to the scene, as it mainly consists of dialogue. For instance, describing the body language and reactions of the characters could create more tension and increase the emotional impact of the scene. Additionally, using more descriptive language to set the scene and create a visual image in the reader's mind could make the scene feel more vivid and engaging. Finally, considering the pacing of the scene and how it fits into the overall structure of the script could help ensure that the audience remains invested in the story.



Scene 3 -  Arrival at Shawshank
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
High stone walls topped with snaky concertina wire, set off
at intervals by looming guard towers. Over a hundred CONS
are in the yard. Playing catch, shooting craps, jawing at
each other, making deals. Exercise period.

RED emerges into fading daylight, slouches low-key through
the activity, worn cap on his head, exchanging hellos and
doing minor business. He's an important man here.

RED (V.O.)
There's a con like me in every
prison in America, I guess. I'm the
guy who can get it for you.
Cigarettes, a bag of reefer if
you're partial, a bottle of brandy
to celebrate your kid's high school
graduation. Damn near anything,
within reason.

He slips somebody a pack of smokes, smooth sleight-of-hand.
9.


RED (V.O.)
Yes sir, I'm a regular Sears &
Roebuck.

TWO SHORT SIREN BLASTS issue from the main tower, drawing
everybody's attention to the loading dock. The outer gate
swings open...revealing a gray prison bus outside.

RED (V.O.)
So when Andy Dufresne came to me in
and asked me to smuggle Rita
Hayworth into the prison for him, I
told him no problem. And it wasn't.

CON
Fresh fish! Fresh fish today!

Red is joined by HEYWOOD, SKEET, FLOYD, JIGGER, ERNIE,
SNOOZE. Most cons crowd to the fence to gawk and jeer, but
Red and his group mount the bleachers and settle in
comfortably.

INT -- PRISON BUS -- DUSK (1947)

Andy sits in back, wearing steel collar and chains.

RED (V.O.)
Andy came to Shawshank Prison in
early 1947 for murdering his wife
and the fella she was bangin'.

The bus lurches forward, RUMBLES through the gates. Andy
gazes around, swallowed by prison walls.

RED (V.O.)
On the outside, he'd been vice-
president of a large Portland bank.
Good work for a man as young as he
was, when you consider how
conservative banks were back then.

TOWER GUARD
All clear!

GUARDS approach the bus with carbines. The door jerks open.
The new fish disembark, chained together single-file,
blinking sourly at their surroundings. Andy stumbles against
the MAN in front of him, almost drags him down.

BYRON HADLEY, captain of the guard, slams his baton into
Andy's back. Andy goes to his knees, gasping in pain. JEERS
and SHOUTS from the spectators.
10.


HADLEY
On your feet before I fuck you up
so bad you never walk again.

ON THE BLEACHERS

RED
There they are, boys. The Human
Charm Bracelet.

HEYWOOD
Never seen such a sorry-lookin'
heap of maggot shit in my life.

JIGGER
Comin' from you, Heywood, you being
so pretty and all...

FLOYD
Takin' bets today, Red?

RED
(pulls notepad and
pencil)
Bear Catholic? Pope shit in the
woods? Smokes or coin, bettor's
choice.

FLOYD
Smokes. Put me down for two.

RED
High roller. Who's your horse?

FLOYD
That gangly sack of shit, third
from the front. He'll be the first.

HEYWOOD
Bullshit. I'll take that action.

ERNIE
Me too.

Other hands go up. Red jots the names.

HEYWOOD
You're out some smokes, son. Take
my word.

FLOYD
You're so smart, you call it.
11.


HEYWOOD
I say that chubby fat-ass...let's
see...fifth from the front. Put me
down for a quarter deck.

RED
That's five cigarettes on Fat-Ass.
Any takers?

More hands go up. Andy and the others are paraded along,
forced by their chains to take tiny baby steps, flinching
under the barrage of jeers and shouts. The old-timers are
shaking the fence, trying to make the newcomers shit their
pants. Some of the new fish shout back, but mostly they look
terrified. Especially Andy.

RED (V.O.)
I must admit I didn't think much of
Andy first time I laid eyes on him.
He might'a been important on the
outside, but in here he was just a
little turd in prison grays. Looked
like a stiff breeze could blow him
over. That was my first impression
of the man.

SKEET
What say, Red?

RED
Little fella on the end.
Definitely. I stake half a pack.
Any takers?

SNOOZE
Rich bet.

RED
C'mon, boys, who's gonna prove me
wrong?
(hands go up)
Floyd, Skeet, Joe, Heywood. Four
brave souls, ten smokes apiece.
That's it, gentlemen, this window's
closed.

Red pockets his notepad. A VOICE comes over the P.A.
speakers:

VOICE (AMPLIFIED)
Return to your cellblocks for
evening count.
12.


INT -- ADMITTING AREA -- DUSK (1947)

The new fish are marched in. Guards unlock the shackles. The
chains drop away, rattling to the stone floor.

HADLEY
Eyes front.

WARDEN SAMUEL NORTON strolls forth, a colorless man in a
gray suit and a church pin in his lapel. He looks like he
could piss ice water. He appraises the newcomers with flinty
eyes.

NORTON
This is Mr. Hadley, captain of the
guard. I am Mr. Norton, the warden.
You are sinners and scum, that's
why they sent you to me. Rule
number one: no blaspheming. I'll
not have the Lord's name taken in
vain in my prison. The other rules
you'll figure out as you go along.
Any questions?

CON
When do we eat?
Genres: ["crime","drama"]

Summary Andy Dufresne arrives at Shawshank prison.
Strengths "Strong introduction to the oppressive setting of the prison and its key players."
Weaknesses "Lacks significant character development."
Critique This scene is well-written and engaging. It effectively sets the tone for the harsh and oppressive environment of Shawshank prison, and establishes the significance of Red as a character. The use of voiceover to provide context and backstory is subtle and effective. The introduction of Andy Dufresne serves to create intrigue and suspense, as the audience wonders what he has done to end up in prison and what his relationship with Red will be. The interactions between the inmates, including the betting on which new fish will break first under the pressure, are realistic and provide insights into the characters. The dialogue, particularly Norton's speech, effectively portrays the authoritative and religious undertones of the prison system. Overall, this scene does an excellent job of setting up the world of Shawshank Prison and the characters within it.
Suggestions First, I would suggest breaking up the description of the setting into smaller, more specific bits of information. This would help the reader to better visualize the scene and to focus on the important details.

Second, I would suggest adding more physical action or movement to the scene, in addition to the dialogue. For example, instead of just describing Red as he "slouches low-key through the activity," you could show him actually interacting with the other inmates by physically exchanging goods or engaging in conversation.

Third, I would suggest adding more sensory details to the scene, such as the smells and sounds of the prison yard, to make it feel more immersive for the reader.

Finally, I would recommend considering the pacing of the scene. While some of the dialogue and exposition is necessary, there may be opportunities to tighten up the scene and make it more dynamic. For example, instead of simply describing the arrival of the new inmates, you could show it through a series of quick, impactful moments like the jingling of chains, the jeers and shouts from the other inmates, and Andy's stumbling.



Scene 4 -  Welcome to Shawshank
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
Cued by Norton's glance, Hadley steps up to the con and
screams right in his face:

HADLEY
YOU EAT WHEN WE SAY YOU EAT! YOU
PISS WHEN WE SAY YOU PISS! YOU SHIT
WHEN WE SAY YOU SHIT! YOU SLEEP
WHEN WE SAY YOU SLEEP! YOU MAGGOT-
DICK MOTHERFUCKER!

Hadley rams the tip of his club into the con's belly. The
man falls to his knees, gasping and clutching himself.
Hadley takes his place at Norton's side again. Softly:

NORTON
Any other questions?
(there are none)
I believe in two things. Discipline
and the Bible. Here, you'll receive
both.
(holds up a Bible)
Put your faith in the Lord. Your
ass belongs to me. Welcome to
Shawshank.
13.


HADLEY
Off with them clothes! And I didn't
say take all day doing it, did I?

The men shed their clothes. Within seconds, all stand naked.

HADLEY (CONT’D)
First man into the shower!

Hadley shoves the FIRST CON into a steel cage open at the
front. TWO GUARDS open up with a fire hose. The con is
slammed against the back of the cage, sputtering and
hollering. Seconds later, the water is cut and the con
yanked out.

HADLEY (CONT’D)
Delouse that piece of shit! Next
man in!

The con gets a huge scoop of white delousing powder thrown
all over him. Gasping and coughing, blinking powder from his
eyes, he gets shoved to a trustee's cage. The TRUSTEE slides
a short stack of items through the slot -- prison clothes
and a Bible. All the men are processed quickly -- a blast of
water, powder, clothes and a Bible...

INT -- INFIRMARY -- NIGHT (1947)

A naked CON steps before a DOCTOR and gets a cursory exam. A
penlight is shined in his eyes, ears, nose, and throat.

DOCTOR
Bend over.

The con does. A GUARD with a penlight in his teeth spreads
his cheeks, peers up his ass, and nods. Andy is next up. He
gets the same treatment.

INT -- PRISON CHAPEL -- NIGHT (1947)

CAMERA TRACKS the naked newcomers shivering on hard wooden
chairs, clothes on their laps, Bibles open.

CHAPLAIN (O.S.)
...maketh me to lie down in green
pastures. He leadeth me beside the
still waters. He restoreth my
soul...

INT -- CELLBLOCK FIVE -- NIGHT (1947)

Three tiers to a side, concrete and steel, gray and
imposing. Andy and the others are marched in, still naked,
carrying their clothes and Bibles.
14.


The CONS in their cells greet them with TAUNTS, JEERS, and
LAUGHTER. One by one, the new men are shown to their cells
and locked in with a CLANG OF STEEL.

RED (V.O.)
The first night's the toughest, no
doubt about it. They march you in
naked as the day you're born, fresh
from a Bible reading, skin burning
and half-blind from that delousing
shit they throw on you...

Red watches from his cell, arms slung over the crossbars,
cigarette dangling from his fingers.

RED (V.O.)
...and when they put you in that
cell, when those bars slam home,
that's when you know it's for real.
Old life blown away in the blink of
an eye...a long cold season in hell
stretching out ahead...nothing left
but all the time in the world to
think about it.

Red listens to the CLANGING below. He watches Andy and a few
others being brought up to the 2nd tier.

RED (V.O.)
Most new fish come close to madness
the first night. Somebody always
breaks down crying. Happens every
time. The only question is, who's
it gonna be?

Andy is led past and given a cell at the end of the tier.

RED (V.O.)
It's as good a thing to bet on as
any, I guess. I had my money on
Andy Dufresne...

INT -- ANDY'S CELL -- NIGHT (1947)

The bars slam home. Andy is alone in his cell, clutching his
clothes. He gazes around at his new surroundings, taking it
in. He slowly begins to dress himself...

EXT -- SHAWSHANK PRISON -- NIGHT (1947)

A malignant stone growth on the Maine landscape. The moon
hangs low and baleful in a dead sky. The headlight of a
PASSING TRAIN cuts through the night.
15.


INT -- RED'S CELL -- NIGHT (1947)

Red lies on his bunk below us, tossing his baseball toward
the ceiling and catching it again. He pauses, listening.
FOOTSTEPS approach below, unhurried, echoing hollowly on
stone.

INT -- CELLBLOCK FIVE -- NIGHT (1947)

LOW ANGLE. A CELLBLOCK GUARD strolls into frame.

GUARD
That's lights out! Good night,
ladies.

The lights bump off in sequence. The guard exits, footsteps
echoing away. Darkness now. Silence. CAMERA CRANES UP the
tiers toward Red's cell.

RED (V.O.)
I remember my first night. Seems a
long time ago now.

Red looms from the darkness, leans on the bars. Listens.
Waits. From somewhere below comes faint, ghastly tittering.
VOICES drift through the cellblock, taunting:

VARIOUS VOICES (O.S.)
Fishee fishee fisheeee...You're
gonna like it here, new fish. A
whooole lot...Make you wish your
daddies never dicked your
mommies...You takin' this down, new
fish? Gonna be a quiz later.
(somebody LAUGHS)
Sshhh. Keep it down. The screws'll
hear...Fishee fishee fisheeee...

RED (V.O.)
The boys always go fishin' with
first-timers...and they don't quit
till they reel someone in.

The VOICES keep on, sly and creepy in the dark...

INT -- VARIOUS CELLS -- NIGHT (1947)

thru thru 25 ...while the new cons go quietly crazy in their
cells. One man paces like a caged animal...another sits
gnawing his cuticles bloody...a third is weeping
silently...a fourth is dry-heaving into the toilet...
16.


INT -- RED'S CELL -- NIGHT (1947)
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Andy Dufresne is processed at Shawshank prison and Red remembers his own first night there.
Strengths "The scene effectively establishes the harshness of prison life and the vulnerability of the new inmates. It also sets up Red as a character and hints at Andy's ability to persevere in difficult situations."
Weaknesses "The scene is relatively slow-paced and does not advance the plot significantly."
Critique Overall, this is a well-written scene. The dialogue is snappy and realistic, and the action is depicted in a vivid and dramatic manner. However, there are a few areas where it could be improved:

- The scene could benefit from more description of the setting and the characters' emotions. For example, we don't get a sense of the physical layout of the prison beyond the fact that it has steel cages and concrete walls. Similarly, while the dialogue effectively conveys the cruelty and brutality of the guards, it would be more impactful if we saw the effect this treatment has on the prisoners (beyond their initial shock and fear).

- The use of voiceover narration by Red is effective in setting the tone and providing context, but it can also feel a bit heavy-handed at times. Rather than stating outright that "the first night's the toughest," it would be more effective to convey this idea through the actions and dialogue of the characters.

- Some of the language in the scene may be considered offensive or triggering to certain viewers, particularly the use of slurs and graphic descriptions of violence. While this may be appropriate for the tone and setting of the movie, it's important to consider the potential impact on audiences who may be sensitive to these issues.
Suggestions The scene is incredibly intense and shocking, but there are a few suggestions I have to improve it:

1. Consider adding more context and characterization to Norton and Hadley. Why are they so cruel and violent towards the new inmates? What drives them to abuse their power in this way? This can add more depth to the scene and make it feel more realistic and grounded.

2. Show more of Andy's reaction to his new surroundings and the abuse he experiences. Does he fight back or try to stand up to the guards? Is he scared or defiant? Adding more of his perspective can help the audience empathize with him and root for him.

3. Consider toning down the language and violence to an acceptable level for the rating of the movie. While the scene is meant to be shocking and intense, it's important to ensure it's not excessively offensive or triggering for some viewers.

4. Add some visual variety to the scene to break up the monotony of the abuse. Maybe show more shots of the prison itself or other inmates reacting to the abuse. This can make the scene more interesting to watch and prevent it from feeling repetitive.



Scene 5 -  First Night in Shawshank Prison
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
Red waits at the bars. Smoking. Listening. He cranes his
head, peers down toward Andy's cell. Nothing. Not a peep.

HEYWOOD (O.S.)
Fat-Ass...oh, Faaaat-Ass. Talk to
me, boy. I know you're in there. I
can hear you breathin'. Now don't
you listen to these nitwits, hear?

INT -- FAT-ASS' CELL -- NIGHT (1947)

Fat-Ass is crying, trying not to hyperventilate.

HEYWOOD (O.S.)
This ain't such a bad place. I'll
introduce you around, make you feel
right at home. I know some big ol'
bull queers who'd love to make your
acquaintance...especially that big
white mushy butt of yours...

And that's it. Fat-Ass lets out a LOUD WAIL of despair:

FAT-ASS
OH GOD! I DON'T BELONG HERE! I
WANNA GO HOME!

INT -- HEYWOOD'S CELL -- NIGHT (1947)

HEYWOOD
AND IT'S FAT-ASS BY A NOSE.'

INT -- CELLBLOCK -- NIGHT (1947)

The place goes nuts. Fat-Ass throws himself screaming
against the bars. The entire block starts CHANTING:

VOICES
Fresh fish...fresh fish...fresh
fish...fresh fish...

FAT-ASS
I WANNA GO HOME! I WANT MY MOTHER.'

VOICE (O.S.)
I had your mother! She wasn't that
great!

The lights bump on. GUARDS pour in, led by Hadley himself.

HADLEY
What the Christ is this happy shit?
17.


VOICE (O.S.)
He took the Lord's name in vain!
I'm tellin' the warden!

HADLEY
(to the unseen wit)
You'll be tellin' him with my baton
up your ass!

Hadley arrives at Fat-Ass' cell, bellowing through the bars:

HADLEY (CONT’D)
What's your malfunction you fat
fuckin' barrel of monkey-spunk?

FAT-ASS
PLEASE! THIS AIN'T RIGHT! I AIN'T
SUPPOSED TO BE HERE! NOT ME!

HADLEY
I ain't gonna count to three! Not
even to one! Now shut the fuck up
'fore I sing you a lullabye!

Fat-Ass keeps blubbering and wailing. Total freak-out.
Hadley draws his baton, gestures to his men. Open it.

A GUARD unlocks the cell. Hadley pulls Fat-Ass out and
starts beating him with the baton, brutally raining blows.
Fat-Ass falls, tries to crawl.

The place goes dead silent. All we hear now is the dull
THWACK-THWACK-THWACK of the baton. Fat-ass passes out.
Hadley gets in a few more licks and finally stops.

HADLEY (CONT’D)
Get this tub of shit down to the
infirmary.
(peers around)
If I hear so much as a mouse fart
in here the rest of the night, by
God and Sonny Jesus, you'll all
visit the infirmary. Every last
motherfucker here.

The guards wrestle Fat-Ass onto a stretcher and carry him
off. FOOTSTEPS echo away. Lights off. Darkness again.
Silence.

INT -- RED'S CELL -- NIGHT (1947)

Red stares through the bars at the main floor below, eyes
riveted to the small puddle of blood where Fat-Ass went
down.
18.


RED (V.O.)
His first night in the joint, Andy
Dufresne cost me two packs of
cigarettes. He never made a
sound...

INT -- CELLBLOCK FIVE -- MORNING (1947)

LOUD BUZZER. The master locks are thrown -- KA-THUMP! The
cons step from their cells, lining the tiers. The GUARDS
holler their head-counts to the HEAD BULL, who jots on a
clipboard. Red peers at Andy, checking him out. Andy stands
in line, collar buttoned, hair combed.

INT -- MESS HALL -- MORNING (1947)

Andy goes through the breakfast line, gets a scoop of glop
on his tray. WE PAN ANDY through the noise and
confusion...and discover BOGS DIAMOND and ROOSTER MacBRIDE
watching Andy go by. Bogs sizes Andy up with a salacious
gleam in his eye, mutters something to Rooster. Rooster
laughs.

Andy finds a table occupied by Red and his regulars, chooses
a spot at the end where nobody is sitting. Ignoring their
stares, he picks up his spoon -- and pauses, seeing
something in his food. He carefully fishes it out with his
fingers.

It's a squirming maggot. Andy grimaces, unsure what to do
with it. BROOKS HATLEN is sitting closest to Andy. At age
65, he's a senior citizen, a long-standing resident.

BROOKS
You gonna eat that?

ANDY
Hadn't planned on it.

BROOKS
You mind?

Andy passes the maggot to Brooks. Brooks examines it,
rolling it between his fingertips like a man checking out a
fine cigar. Andy is riveted with apprehension.

BROOKS (CONT’D)
Mmm. Nice and ripe.

Andy can't bear to watch. Brooks opens up his sweater and
feeds the maggot to a baby crow nestled in an inside pocket.
Andy breathes a sigh of relief.
19.


BROOKS (CONT’D)
Jake says thanks. Fell out of his
nest over by the plate shop. I'm
lookin' after him till he's old
enough to fly.

Andy nods, proceeds to eat. Carefully. Heywood approaches.

JIGGER
Oh, Christ, here he comes.

HEYWOOD
Mornin', boys. It's a fine mornin'.
You know why it's fine?

Heywood plops his tray down, sits. The men start pulling out
cigarettes and handing them down.

HEYWOOD (CONT’D)
That's right, send 'em all down. I
wanna see 'em lined up in a row,
pretty as a chorus line.

An impressive pile forms. Heywood bends down and inhales
deeply, smelling the aroma. Rapture.

FLOYD
Smell my ass...

HEYWOOD
Gee, Red. Terrible shame, your
horse comin' in last and all. Hell,
I sure do love that horse of mine.
I believe I owe that boy a big
sloppy kiss when I see him.

RED
Give him some'a your cigarettes
instead, cheap bastard.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Andy Dufresne is introduced to the brutality of prison life on his first night in Shawshank Prison.
Strengths
  • Establishes the brutality of prison life and the power dynamics within the prison.
  • The scene has a strong emotional impact.
Weaknesses
  • Heavy violence depicted in the scene.
Critique The scene starts with Red waiting for something to happen. There is no context given as to what exactly he is waiting for, which can be confusing for the audience. The dialogue that follows, while attempting to create tension and foreshadowing, is heavy-handed and can be considered insensitive and offensive towards Fat-Ass. The scene then abruptly shifts to Fat-Ass’ cell and the violence that ensues. The dialogue between Hadley and Fat-Ass is also crude and insensitive, which can be uncomfortable to watch. The scene does, however, effectively establish the brutal and violent nature of the prison culture.

In terms of character development, the scene shows Andy’s resourcefulness in dealing with the maggot in his food, Brooks’ kindness towards animals, and Heywood’s cigarette addiction. These details serve as subtle hints to the personalities of these characters, which will be developed further in the story.

Overall, while the scene effectively establishes the harsh environment of the prison and the characters’ personalities, the dialogue can be considered crude and insensitive towards certain groups, which may not be well-received by some audiences.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well-written and effectively conveys the brutality and harsh conditions of prison life. One suggestion for improvement is to develop the characters of Fat-Ass and Andy more fully, as well as their relationship and how it evolves over time. This will help to increase the emotional impact of the scene when Fat-Ass is beaten by the guards, as viewers will have a stronger connection to him. Additionally, adding more context to the conversation between Bogs and Rooster about Andy will help to build tension and foreshadow future conflicts. Finally, including more sensory details, such as the smell of the cigarettes and the taste of the food, can help to fully immerse viewers in the world of the story.



Scene 6 -  Heywood
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
HEYWOOD
Say Tyrell, you pull infirmary duty
this week? How's that winnin' horse
of mine, anyway?

TYRELL
Dead.
(the men fall silent)
Hadley busted his head pretty good.
Doc already went home for the
night. Poor bastard lay there till
this morning. By then...
20.


He shakes his head, turns back to his food. The silence
mounts. Heywood glances around. Men resume eating. Softly:

ANDY
What was his name?

HEYWOOD
What? What'd you say?

ANDY
I was wondering if anyone knew his
name.

HEYWOOD
What the fuck you care, new fish?
(resumes eating)
Doesn't matter what his fuckin'
name was. He's dead.

INT -- PRISON LAUNDRY -- DAY (1947)

A DEAFENING NOISE of industrial washers and presses. Andy
works the laundry line. A nightmarish job. He's new at it.
BOB, the con foreman, elbows him aside and shows him how
it's done.

INT -- SHOWERS -- DAY (1947)

Shower heads mounted in bare concrete. Andy showers with a
dozen or more men. No modesty here. At least the water is
good and hot, soothing his tortured muscles.

Bogs looms from the billowing steam, smiling, checking Andy
up and down. Rooster and PETE appear from the sides. The
Sisters.

BOGS
You're some sweet punk. You been
broke in yet?

Andy tries to step past them. He gets shoved around, nothing
serious, just some slap and tickle. Jackals sizing up prey.

BOGS (CONT’D)
Hard to get. I like that.

Andy breaks free, flushed and shaking. He hurries off,
leaving the three Sisters laughing.

INT -- ANDY'S CELL -- NIGHT (1947)

Andy lies staring at the darkness, unable to sleep.
21.


EXT -- EXERCISE YARD -- DAY (1947)

Exercise period. Red plays catch with Heywood and Jigger,
lazily tossing a baseball around. Red notices Andy off to
the side. Nods hello. Andy takes this as a cue to amble
over. Heywood and Jigger pause, watching.

ANDY
(offers his hand)
Hello. I'm Andy Dufresne.

Red glances at the hand, ignores it. The game continues.

RED
The wife-killin' banker.

ANDY
How do you know that?

RED
I keep my ear to the ground. Why'd
you do it?

ANDY
I didn't, since you ask.

RED
Hell, you'll fit right in, then.
(off Andy's look)
Everyone's innocent in here, don't
you know that? Heywood! What are
you in for, boy?

HEYWOOD
Didn't do it! Lawyer fucked me!

Red gives Andy a look. See?

ANDY
What else have you heard?

RED
People say you're a cold fish. They
say you think your shit smells
sweeter than ordinary. That true?

ANDY
What do you think?

RED
Ain't made up my mind yet.

Heywood nudges Jigger. Watch this. He winds up and throws
the ball hard -- right at Andy's head.
22.


Andy sees it coming out of the corner of his eye, whirls and
catches it. Beat. He sends the ball right back, zinging it
into Heywood's hands. Heywood drops the ball and grimaces,
wringing his stung hands.

ANDY
I understand you're a man who knows
how to get things.

RED
I'm known to locate certain things
from time to time. They seem to
fall into my hands. Maybe it's
'cause I'm Irish.

ANDY
I wonder if you could get me a rock-
hammer?

RED
What is it and why?

ANDY
You make your customers' motives a
part of your business?

RED
If you wanted a toothbrush, I
wouldn't ask questions. I'd just
quote a price. A toothbrush, see,
is a non-lethal sort of object.

ANDY
Fair enough. A rock-hammer is about
eight or nine inches long. Looks
like a miniature pickaxe, with a
small sharp pick on one end, and a
blunt hammerhead on the other. It's
for rocks.

RED
Rocks.

Andy squats, motions Red to join him. Andy grabs a handful
of dirt and sifts it through his hands. He finds a pebble
and rubs it clean. It has a nice milky glow. He tosses it to
Red.

RED (CONT’D)
Quartz?

ANDY
Quartz, sure. And look. Mica.
Shale. Silted granite.
(MORE)
23.

ANDY (CONT'D)
There's some graded limestone, from
when they cut this place out of the
hill.

RED
So?

ANDY
I'm a rockhound. At least I was, in
my old life. I'd like to be again,
on a limited scale.

RED
Yeah, that or maybe plant your toy
in somebody's skull?

ANDY
I have no enemies here.

RED
No? Just wait.

Red flicks his gaze past Andy. Bogs is watching them.

RED (CONT’D)
Word gets around. The Sisters have
taken a real shine to you, yes they
have. Especially Bogs.

ANDY
Tell me something. Would it help if
I explained to them I'm not
homosexual?

RED
Neither are they. You have to be
human first. They don't qualify.
(off Andy's look)
Bull queers take by force, that's
all they want or understand. I'd
grow eyes in the back of my head if
I were you.

ANDY
Thanks for the advice.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Andy must adjust to prison life as he is introduced to the brutal realities of the place. He makes some acquaintances, and gets in some trouble.
Strengths "The writing in this scene is concise and entertaining. The introduction of Red as a character is intriguing. The conflict with The Sisters and Bogs provides an element of danger. The scene manages to accomplish much in a short amount of time."
Weaknesses "The scene does not delve deep into any one aspect of the story, except for Andy's request for a rock hammer, which could be confusing to the viewer. The tone is rather unsettling."
Critique The scene starts with a conversation around the table where Heywood asks Tyrell about his duty and his horse. This dialogue establishes their casual relationship as prison buddies. However, the mood quickly changes as Tyrell announces the death of Heywood’s horse. The silence that follows is a well-crafted moment that emphasizes the harsh reality of a prison environment - a tragic death can mean anything from mourning to indifference.

The scene then moves to Andy working in the prison laundry, where Bob teaches him the ropes. This is a classic setup where a new fish meets the con foreman, who is usually a bully, but not this time. Bob seems to be a decent man who simply wants to help Andy.

The next scene takes place in the shower room, where Andy encounters the Sisters, a group of predatory inmates who are sexually harassing him. The scene adds to the film's bleak atmosphere, where everyone is in survival mode. At this point, the movie establishes a sense of danger that Andy is going to face in the prison.

Andy can't sleep in his cell, which leads to a confrontation with Red during the exercise routine that follows. Red and Andy talk about their crimes and reputation. This scene establishes Andy as a cold fish, while Red's character is friendly. Andy asks Red if he can procure him a rock hammer. The scene ends with Red warning Andy about the Sisters and Bogs.

The scene is well written, providing an ample amount of information about the characters and the place they live. The dialogue is crisp and precise, moving the plot forward with every word. The setting and imagery used in the scene also effectively set the tone of the film. Overall, the scene is well executed and serves as an excellent example of well-crafted screenwriting.
Suggestions The scene could benefit from a clearer focus and more purposeful dialogue. Here are some suggestions:

- Heywood's comment about the dead horse feels out of place and doesn't really add anything to the scene. It could be cut without affecting the rest of the conversation.
- Andy's question about the horse's name feels like a set-up for something, but nothing comes of it. If there isn't a payoff later in the script, it might be better to cut this bit as well.
- The transition from the infirmary conversation to the laundry scene is abrupt and could benefit from a smoother transition.
- The laundry scene could use more description to make the setting feel more vivid and the work more oppressive.
- The shower scene's description is minimal and doesn't give us much to work with. Fleshing out the setting and character actions could make the scene more engaging.
- The encounter with Bogs and the Sisters feels like it should be a bigger moment, but it's over too quickly. Adding more tension or a clearer sense of danger could make this scene more impactful.
- The exercise yard scene is the most promising since it introduces Andy's request for a rock hammer. However, the dialogue could be more focused on this objective. For example:

ANDY
(approaching Red)
Hey, I heard you're the man who can get things.

RED
(sizing him up)
Yeah, I've got connections. What do you need?

ANDY
A rock hammer. It's a small tool, about eight or nine inches long--

RED
I know what a rock hammer is. Why do you need it?

ANDY
I'm a rock collector. Or at least, I was before I came here. I want to pick up where I left off.

RED
(nodding slowly)
Okay. I can get you a rock hammer. But be careful what you do with it. People talk around here.



Scene 7 -  The Exchange
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
RED
That comes free. But you understand
my concern.

ANDY
If there's trouble, I doubt a rock-
hammer will do me any good.
24.


RED
Then I guess you wanna escape.
Tunnel under the wall maybe?
(Andy laughs politely)
I miss the joke. What's so funny?

ANDY
You'll know when you see the rock-
hammer.

RED
What's this item usually go for?

ANDY
Seven dollars in any rock and gem
shop.

RED
My standard mark-up's twenty
percent, but we're talkin' about a
special object. Risk goes up, price
goes up. Call it ten bucks even.

ANDY
Ten it is.

RED
I'll see what I can do.
(rises, slapping dust)
But it's a waste of money.

ANDY
Oh?

RED
Folks who run this place love
surprise inspections. They turn a
blind eye to some things, but not a
gadget like that. They'll find it,
and you'll lose it. Mention my
name, we'll never do business
again. Not for a pair of shoelaces
or a stick of gum.

ANDY
I understand. Thank you, Mr...?

RED
Red. The name's Red.

ANDY
Red. I'm Andy. Pleasure doing
business with you.
25.


They shake. Andy strolls off. Red watches him go.

RED (V.O.)
I could see why some of the boys
took him for snobby. He had a quiet
way about him, a walk and a talk
that just wasn't normal around
here. He strolled. like a man in a
park without a care or worry. Like
he had on an invisible coat that
would shield him from this place.
(resumes playing catch)
Yes, I think it would be fair to
say I liked Andy from the start.

INT -- MESS HALL -- DAY (1947)

Red gets his breakfast and heads for a table. Andy falls in
step, slips him a tightly-folded square of paper.

INT -- RED'S CELL -- NIGHT (1947)

Lying on his bunk, Red unfolds the square. A ten dollar
bill.

RED (V.O.)
He was a man who adapted fast.

EXT -- LOADING DOCK -- DAY (1947)

Under watchful supervision, CONS are off-loading bags of
dirty laundry from an "Eliot Nursing Home" truck.

RED (V.O.)
Years later, I found out he'd
brought in quite a bit more than
just ten dollars...

A certain bag hits the ground. The TRUCK DRIVER shoots a
look at a black con, LEONARD, then ambles over to a GUARD to
shoot the shit. Leonard loads the bag onto a cart...

INT -- PRISON LAUNDRY -- DAY (1947)

Bags are being unloaded. We find Leonard working the line.

RED (V.O.)
When they check you into this
hotel, one of the bellhops bends
you over and looks up your works,
just to make sure you're not
carrying anything. But a truly
determined man can get an object
quite a ways up there.
26.


Leonard slips a small paper-wrapped package out of the
laundry bag, hides it under his apron, and keeps sorting...

INT -- PRISON LAUNDRY EXCHANGE -- DAY (1947)

Red deposits his dirty bundle and moves down the line to
where the clean sheets are being handed out.

RED (V.O.)
That's how Andy joined our happy
little Shawshank family with more
than five hundred dollars on his
person. Determination.

Leonard catches Red's eye, turns and grabs a specific stack
of clean sheets. He hands it across to Red --

TIGHT ANGLE

-- and more than clean laundry changes hands. Two packs of
cigarettes slide out of Red's hand into Leonard's.

INT -- RED'S CELL -- DAY (1947)

Red slips the package out of his sheets, carefully checks to
make sure nobody's coming, then rips it open. He pulls out
the rock-hammer. It's just as Andy described. Red laughs
softly.

RED (V.O.)
Andy was right. I finally got the
joke. It would take a man about six
hundred years to tunnel under the
wall with one of these.

INT -- CELLBLOCK FIVE -- 2ND TIER -- NIGHT (1947)

Brooks Hatlen pushes a cart of books from cell to cell. The
rolling library. He finds Red waiting for him. Red slips the
rock-hammer, wrapped in a towel, through the bars and onto
the cart. Next comes six cigarettes to pay for postage.

RED
Dufresne.

Brooks nods, never missing a beat. He rolls his cart to
Andy's cell, mutters through the bars:

BROOKS
Middle shelf, wrapped in a towel.

Andy's hand snakes through the bars and makes the object
disappear. The hand comes back and deposits a small slip of
folded paper along with more cigarettes.
27.


Brooks turns his cart around and goes back. He pauses,
sorting his books long enough for Red to snag the slip of
paper. Brooks continues on, scooping the cigarettes off the
cart and into his pocket.

INT -- RED'S CELL -- NIGHT (1947)

Red unfolds the slip of paper. Penciled neatly on it is a
single word: "Thanks."

INT -- PRISON LAUNDRY -- DAY (1947)

We are assaulted by the deafening noise of the laundry line.
Andy is doing his job, getting good at it.

BOB
DUFRESNE! WE'RE LOW ON HEXLITE!
HEAD ON BACK AND FETCH US UP SOME!

Andy nods. He leaves the line, weaving his way through the
laundry room and into --

INT -- BACK ROOMS/STOCK AREA -- DAY (1947)

-- a dark, tangled maze of rooms and corridors, boilers and
furnaces, sump pumps, old washing machines, pallets of
cleaning supplies and detergents, you name it. Andy hefts a
cardboard drum of Hexlite off the stack, turns around --

-- and finds Bogs Diamond in the aisle. blocking his way.
Rooster looms from the shadows to his right, Pete Verness on
the left. A frozen beat. Andy slams the Hexlite to the
floor, rips off the top, and scoops out a double handful.

ANDY
You get this in your eyes, it
blinds you.

BOGS
Honey, hush.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Red and Andy conduct a business transaction where Andy purchases a rock-hammer from Red. Red warns Andy of the dangers of having such an object in prison, but Andy still buys it. Red realizes Andy is adapting quickly to prison life and eventually, we see Andy's determination pay off when he manages to smuggle the rock-hammer into the prison.
Strengths "The tension and danger of the situation is well portrayed, showing how valuable contraband is in prison. The scene sets up future events for the story."
Weaknesses "The scene is somewhat slow-paced and lacks major plot developments or emotional impact."
Critique This scene is a strong example of effective dialogue and character development. The dialogue between Red and Andy is natural and engaging, creating a sense of tension and intrigue as Andy's plan begins to unfold. The characters' personalities are distinct and well-defined, with Red's cautious nature contrasting with Andy's sly and resourceful demeanor. The use of voiceover narration adds an extra layer of depth and insight into the characters' motivations and inner thoughts. The scene also sets up important plot points that will play out later in the film, building anticipation and foreshadowing future events. Overall, this scene is a smart and well-executed example of screenwriting.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more description to the characters to help the audience visualize them better.

2. Add more action or movement to the scene to keep it visually interesting.

3. Simplify the dialogue to make it more clear and easy to understand.

4. Develop the relationship between Red and Andy more, so the audience cares about their interactions and what they mean for the story.

5. Make the conflict between Andy and the other inmates more clear and intense, to increase the tension of the scene.



Scene 8 -  Andy's Brutal Introduction to Prison Life
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
Andy backs up, holding them at bay, trying to maneuver
through the maze. The Sisters keep coming, tense and
guarded, eyes riveted and gauging his every move, trying to
outflank him. Andy trips on some old gaint sugglies. That's
all it takes. They're on him in an instant, kicking and
stomping.

Andy gets yanked to his feet. Bogs applies a chokehold from
behind. They propel him across the room and slam him against
an old four-pocket machine, bending him over it. Rooster
jams a rag into Andy's mouth and secures it with a steel
pipe, like a horse bit.
28.


Andy kicks and struggles, but Rooster and Pete have his arms
firmly pinned. Bogs whispers in Andy's ear:

BOGS (CONT’D)
That's it, fight. Better that way.

Andy starts screaming, muffled by the rag. CAMERA PULLS
BACK, SLOWLY WIDENING. The big Washex blocks our view. All
we see is Andy's screaming face and the men holding him
down...

...and CAMERA DRIFTS FROM THE ROOM, leaving the dark place
and the dingy act behind...MOVING up empty corridors, past
concrete walls and steel pipes...

RED (V.O.)
I wish I could tell you that Andy
fought the good fight, and the
Sisters let him be. I wish I could
tell you that, but prison is no
fairy-tale world.

WE EMERGE into the prison laundry past a guard, WIDENING for
a final view of the line. The giant steel "mangler" is
slapping down in brutal rhythm. The sound is deafening.

RED (V.O.)
He never said who did it...but we
all knew.

PRISON MONTAGE: (1947 THROUGH 1949)

ANDY PLODS THROUGH HIS DAYS. WORKING. EATING. CHIPPING AND

shaping his rocks after lights-out...

RED (V.O.)
Things went on like that for a
while. Prison life consists of
routine, and then more routine.

ANDY WALKS THE YARD, FACE SWOLLEN AND BRUISED.

RED (V.O.)
Every so often, Andy would show up
with fresh bruises.

ANDY EATS BREAKFAST. A FEW TABLES OVER, BOGS BLOWS HIM A
KISS

RED (V.O.)
The Sisters kept at him. Sometimes
he was able to fight them off...
sometimes not.
29.


ANDY BACKS INTO A CORNER IN SOME DINGY PART OF THE PRISON,

wildly swinging a rake at his tormentors.

RED (V.O.)
He always fought, that's what I
remember. He fought because he knew
if he didn't fight, it would make
it that much easier not to fight
the next time.

The rake connects, snapping off over somebody's skull. They
beat the hell out of him.

RED (V.O.)
Half the time it landed him in the
infirmary...

INT -- SOLITARY CONFINEMENT ("THE HOLE") -- NIGHT (1949)

A stone closet. No bed, sink, or lights. Just a toilet with
no seat. Andy sits on bare concrete, bruised face lit by a
faint ray of light falling through the tiny slit in the
steel door.

RED (V.O.)
...the other half, it landed him in
solitary. Warden Norton's "grain &
drain" vacation. Bread, water, and
all the privacy you could want.

INT -- PRISON LAUNDRY -- DAY (1949)

Andy is working the line.

RED (V.O.)
And that's how it went for Andy.
That was his routine. I do believe
those first two years were the
worst for him. And I also believe
if things had gone on that way,
this place would have got the best
of him. But then, in the spring of
1949, the powers-that-be decided
that...

EXT -- PRISON YARD -- DAY (1949)

Warden Norton addresses the assembled cons via bullhorn:

NORTON
...the roof of the license-plate
factory needs resurfacing. I need a
dozen volunteers for a week's work.
(MORE)
30.

NORTON (CONT'D)
We're gonna be taking names in this
steel bucket here...

Red glances around at his friends. Andy also catches his
eye.

RED (V.O.)
It was outdoor detail, and May is
one damn fine month to be workin'
outdoors.

EXT -- PRISON YARD -- DAY (1949)

Cons shuffle past, dropping slips of paper into a bucket.

RED (V.O.)
More than a hundred men volunteered
for the job.

Red saunters to a guard named TIM YOUNGBLOOD, mutters
discreetly in his ear.

EXT -- PRISON YARD -- DAY (1949)

Youngblood is pulling names and reading them off. Red
exchanges grins with Andy and the others.

RED (V.O.)
Wouldn't you know it? Me and some
fellas I know were among the names
called.

INT -- PRISON CORRIDOR -- NIGHT (1949)

Red slips Youngblood six packs of cigarettes.

RED (V.O.)
Only cost us a pack of smokes per
man. I made my usual twenty
percent, of course.

EXT -- LICENSE PLATE FACTORY -- DAY (1949)

A tar-cooker bubbles and smokes. TWO CONS dip up a bucket of
tar and tie a rope to the handle. The rope goes taught.
CAMERA FOLLOWS the bucket of tar up the side of the building
to --

THE ROOF

-- where it is relayed to the work detail. the men are
dipping big Padd brushes and spreading the tar. ANGLZ OVER
to Byron Hadley bitching sourly to his fellow guards:
31.


HADLEY
...so this shithead lawyer calls
long distance from Texas, and he
says, Byron Hadley? I say, yeah. He
says, sorry to inform you, but your
brother just died.

YOUNGBLOOD
Damn, Byron. Sorry to hear that.

HADLEY
I ain't. He was an asshole. Run off
years ago, family ain't heard of
him since. Figured him for dead
anyway. So this lawyer prick says,
your brother died a rich man. Oil
wells and shit, close to a million
bucks. Jesus, it's frigging
incredible how lucky some assholes
can get.

TROUT
A million bucks? Jeez-Louise! You
get any of that?

HADLEY
Thirty five thousand. That's what
he left me.

TROUT
Dollars? Holy shit, that's great!
Like winnin' a lottery...
(off Hadley's shitty
look)
...ain't it?
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Andy faces his first violent encounter in prison with the Sisters, and is brutally beaten and raped. He adapts to the harsh realities of prison life and starts smuggling contraband, which eventually leads him to acquiring a rock hammer. In a flashback montage, we see Andy fight to maintain his dignity, while being subjected to abuse and violence.
Strengths "The scene is powerful and evocative, with strong emotional impact. It portrays the stark brutality of prison life, while also showing Andy's resilience and determination to survive. The montage is an effective storytelling technique, bringing viewers up to speed with Andy's life in prison."
Weaknesses "The scene is quite grim and violent and might be too much for some viewers to handle. The dialogue is minimal and the focus is more on visuals, which may not appeal to all viewers."
Critique The scene is well-written in terms of its vivid depiction of violence and the harsh conditions of prison life. However, it is important to note that violence should not be used gratuitously in a script. It needs to serve a clear purpose in advancing the plot and character development. The scene's function is to establish the brutal nature of the Sisters and to show the toll that prison takes on Andy. The montage that follows is effective in showing the passage of time and the repetitive, monotonous routine of prison life. Overall, the scene is well-crafted, but it is important that violence is not used simply for shock value.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging in terms of the action and the tension it builds. However, there are a few suggestions I would make to improve it:

1. Provide more context: It would be helpful to know who "The Sisters" are and why they are after Andy. It would also be useful to know why Andy is in prison and what his previous interactions with these characters were like.

2. Vary sentence structure: The scene could benefit from more variation in sentence structure to add more rhythm and pacing. For example, some sentences are short and choppy, while others are longer and more descriptive. Varying the length and structure of sentences can help to create a more dynamic reading experience.

3. Show, don't tell: When Red narrates about Andy's routine in prison, it would be more effective to show us what he's doing rather than just telling us. For example, instead of saying "Andy eats breakfast," show us a shot of him eating breakfast in the mess hall.

4. Add more character development: Though the scene is action-packed, it would be helpful to have more insight into Andy's character and his mindset during this ordeal. What is he thinking and feeling as he fights off his attackers? How does he react to being thrown into solitary confinement? This can help to make him a more fully realized character and increase the emotional stakes of the scene.



Scene 9 -  Hadley Intimidates Andy
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
HADLEY
Dumbshit. What do you figger the
government's gonna do to me? Take a
big wet bite out of my ass, is
what.

TROUT
Oh. Hadn't thought of that.

HADLEY
Maybe leave me enough to buy a new
car with. Then what happens? You
pay tax on the car. Repairs and
maintenance. Goddamn kids pesterin'
you to take 'em for a ride...
32.


MERT
And drive it, if they're old
enough.

HADLEY
That's right, wanting to drive it,
wanting to learn on it,
f'Chrissake! Then at the end of the
year, if you figured the tax wrong,
they make you pay out of your own
pocket. Uncle Sam puts his hand in
your shirt and squeezes your tit
till it's purple. Always get the
short end. That's a fact.
(spits over the side)
Some brother. Shit.

The prisoners keep spreading tar, eyes on their work.

HEYWOOD
Poor Byron. What terrible fuckin'
luck. Imagine inheriting thirty
five thousand dollars.

RED
Crying shame. Some folks got it
awful bad.

Red glances over -- and is shocked to see Andy standing up,
listening to the guards talk.

RED (CONT’D)
Hey, you nuts? Keep your eyes on
your pail!

Andy tosses his Padd in the bucket and strolls toward
Hadley.

RED (CONT’D)
Andy! Come back! Shit!

SNOOZE
What's he doing?

FLOYD
Gettin' himself killed.

RED
God damn it...

HEYWOOD
Just keep spreadin' tar...
33.


The guards stiffen at Andy's approach. Youngblood's hand
goes to his holster. The tower guards CLICK-CLACK their
rifle bolts. Hadley turns, stupefied to find Andy there.

ANDY
Mr. Hadley. Do you trust your wife?

HADLEY
That's funny. You're gonna look
funnier suckin' my dick with no
fuckin' teeth.

ANDY
What I mean is, do you think she'd
go behind your back? Try to
hamstring you?

HADLEY
That's it! Step aside, Mert. This
fucker's havin' hisself an
accident.

Hadley grabs Andy's collar and propels him violently toward
the edge of the roof. The cons furiously keep spreading tar.

HEYWOOD
Oh God, he's gonna do it, he's
gonna throw him off the roof...

SNOOZE
Oh shit, oh fuck, oh Jesus...

ANDY
Because if you do trust her,
there's no reason in the world you
can't keep every cent of that
money.

Hadley abruptly jerks Andy to a stop right at the edge. In
fact, Andy's past the edge, beyond his balance, shoetips
scraping the roof. The only thing between him and an ugly
drop to the concrete is Hadley's grip on the front of his
shirt.

HADLEY
You better start making sense.

ANDY
If you want to keep that money, all
of it, just give it to your wife.
See, the IRS allows you a one-time-
only gift to your spouse. It's good
up to sixty thousand dollars.
34.


HADLEY
Naw, that ain't right! Tax free?

ANDY
Tax free. IRS can't touch one cent.

The cons are pausing work, stunned by this business
discussion.

HADLEY
You're the smart banker what shot
his wife. Why should I believe a
smart banker like you? So's I can
wind up in here with you?

ANDY
It's perfectly legal. Go ask the
IRS, they'll say the same thing.
Actually, I feel silly telling you
all this. I'm sure you would have
investigated the matter yourself.

HADLEY
Fuckin'-A. I don't need no smart
wife-killin' banker to show me
where the bear shit in the
buckwheat.

ANDY
Of course not. But you will need
somebody to set up the tax-free
gift, and that'll cost you. A
lawyer, for example...

HADLEY
Ambulance-chaaing, highway-robbing
cocksuckers!

ANDY
...or come to think of it, I
suppose I could set it up for you.
That would save you some money.
I'll write down the forms you need,
you can pick them up, and I'll
prepare them for your signature...
nearly free of charge.
(off Hadley's look)
I'd only ask three beers apiece for
my co-workers, if that seems fair.

TROUT
(guffawing)
Co-workers! Get him! That's rich,
ain't it? Co-workers...
35.


Hadley freezes him with a look. Andy presses on:

ANDY
I think a nan working outdoors
feels more like a man if he can
have a bottle of suds. That's only
my opinion.

The convicts stand gaping, all pretense of work gone. They
look like they've been pole-axed. Hadley shoots them a look.

HADLEY
What are you jimmies starin' at?
Back to work, goddamn it!

EXT -- LICENSE PLATE FACTORY -- DAY (1949)

As before, an object is hauled up the side of the building
by rope -- only this time, it's a cooler of beer and ice.

RED (V.O.)
And that's how it came to pass,
that on the second-to-last day of
the job, the convict crew that
tarred the plate factory roof in
the spring of '49...

EXT -- ROOF -- SHORTLY LATER (1949)

The cons are taking the sun and drinking beer.
Genres: ["Prison Drama","Crime"]

Summary Andy confronts Hadley about his inheritance and suggests a way for him to avoid taxes, sparking Hadley's interest in Andy's financial knowledge.
Strengths "Intense dialogue, showcasing Andy's intellect and cunning."
Weaknesses "Contains a violent encounter and language that may bother some viewers."
Critique The scene is well-written and moves the story forward, but there are a few things that could be improved. Firstly, some of the language used may be considered offensive or inappropriate for certain audiences. Secondly, the dialogue could be more concise to make it flow better. Lastly, the scene could benefit from some more visual description to create a more vivid picture for the reader. Overall, the scene achieves its purpose of showing Andy's intelligence and resourcefulness, as well as the power dynamic among the prisoners and guards.
Suggestions Overall, this scene is well-written and moves the plot forward. However, there are a few suggestions to improve it:

1. Show more of Andy's emotions and thoughts: The audience may be curious about why Andy is taking such a big risk by confronting Hadley. Adding some internal monologue or facial expressions can help the audience connect with Andy and understand his motives better.

2. Add some tension and suspense: While the scene is dramatic, it can benefit from more tension and suspense. For example, the audience can be made to wonder if Andy will survive and if the other prisoners will intervene.

3. Use visuals to enhance the dialogue: While the dialogue is strong, visuals can help to enhance it. For example, showing Hadley's grip loosening on Andy's shirt can enhance the tension in the scene. Additionally, showing the other prisoners' reactions can also add to the drama.

4. Provide more context: While the scene stands well on its own, providing more context can make it more impactful. For example, why does Andy take such a big risk? What is his relationship with the other prisoners? Answering these questions can help the audience understand the stakes better and feel more invested in the scene.



Scene 10 -  Andy's Determination
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
RED (V.O.)
...wound up sitting in a row at ten
o'clock in the morning, drinking
icy cold Black Label beer courtesy
of the hardest screw that ever
walked a turn at Shawshank State
Prison.

HADLEY
Drink up, boys. While it's cold.

RED (V.O.)
The colossal prick even managed to
sound magnanimous.

Red knocks back another sip, enjoying the bitter cold on his
tongue and the warm sun on face.

RED (V.O.)
We sat and drank with the sun on
our shoulders, and felt like free
men. We could'a been tarring the
36.


roof of one of our own houses. We were the Lords of all
Creation.

He glances over to Andy squatting apart from the others.

RED (V.O.)
As for Andy, he spent that break
hunkered in the shade, a strange
little smile on his face, watching
us drink his beer.

HEYWOOD
(approaches with a beer)
Here's a cold one, Andy.

ANDY
No thanks. I gave up drinking.

Heywood drifts back to others, giving them a look.

RED (V.O.)
You could argue he'd done it to
curry favor with the guards. Or
maybe make a few friends among us
cons. Me, I think he did it just to
feel normal again...if only for a
short while.

EXT -- PRISON YARD -- THE BLEACHERS -- DAY (1949)

Andy and Red play checkers. Red makes his move.

RED
King me.

ANDY
Chess. Now there's a game of kings.
Civilized...strategic...

RED
...and totally fuckin'
inexplicable. Hate that game.

ANDY
Maybe you'll let me teach you
someday. I've been thinking of
getting a board together.

RED
You come to the right place. I'm
the man who can get things.
37.


ANDY
We might do business on a board.
But the pieces, I'd like to carve
those myself. One side done in
quartz... the opposing side in
limestone.

RED
That'd take you years.

ANDY
Years I've got. What I don't have
are the rocks. Pickings here in the
exercise yard are pretty slim.

RED
How's that rock-hammer workin' out
anyway? Scratch your name on your
wall yet?

ANDY
(smiles)
Not yet. I suppose I should.

RED
Andy? I guess we're gettin' to be
friends, ain't we?

ANDY
I suppose we are.

RED
I ask a question? Why'd you do it?

ANDY
I'm innocent, remember? Just like
everybody else here.

Red takes this as a gentle rebuff, keeps playing.

ANDY (CONT’D)
What are you in for, Red?

RED
Murder. Same as you.

ANDY
Innocent?

RED
The only guilty man in Shawshank.
38.


INT -- ANDY'S CELL -- NIGHT (1949)

Andy lies in his bunk after lights out, polishing a fragment
of quartz by the light of the moon. He pauses, glancing at
all the names scratched in the wall. He rises, makes sure
the coast is clear, and starts scratching his name into the
cement with his rock-hammer, adding to the record.

RAY MILLAND

fills the screen in glorious (and scratchy) black & white,
suffering a bad case of DT's...

INT -- PRISON AUDITORIUM -- NIGHT (1949)

...while a CONVICT AUDIENCE hoots and catcalls, talking back
to the screen. We find Red slouched in a folding chair,
watching the movie. Andy enters, backlit by the flickering
glare of the projector, and takes a seat next to him.

RED
Here's the good part. Bugs come out
of the walls to get his ass.

ANDY
I know. I've seen it three times
this month already.

Ray Milland starts SCREAMING. The entire audience SCREAMS
with him, high-pitched and hysterical. Andy fidgets.

ANDY (CONT’D)
Can we talk business?

RED
Sure. What do you want?

ANDY
Rita Hayworth. Can you get her?

RED
No problem. Take a few weeks.

ANDY
Weeks?

RED
Don't have her stuffed down my
pants this very moment, sorry to
say. Relax. What are you so nervous
about? She's just a woman.

Andy nods, embarrassed. He gets up and hurries out. Red
grins, turns back to the movie.
39.


INT -- AUDITORIUM CORRIDOR -- NIGHT (1949)

Andy exits the theater and freezes in his tracks. Two dark
figures loom in the corridor, blocking his path. Rooster and
Pete. Andy turns back -- and runs right into Bogs. Instant
bear hug. The Sisters are on him like a flash. They kick a
door open and drag him into --

THE PROJECTION BOOTH

-- where they confront the startled PROJECTIONIST, an old
con blinking at them through thick bifocals.

BOGS
Take a walk.

PROJECTIONIST
I have to change reels.

BOGS
I said fuck off.

Terrified, the old man darts past and out the door. Pete
slams and locks it. Bogs shoves Andy to the center of the
room.

ANDY
I know. I've seen it three times
this month already.

Ray Milland starts SCREAMING. The entire audience SCREAMS
witt him, high-pitched and hysterical. Andy fidgets.

ANDY (CONT’D)
Can we talk business?

RED
Sure. What do you want?

ANDY
Rita Hayworth. Can you get her?

RED
No problem. Take a few weeks.

ANDY
Weeks?
Genres: ["Drama","Prison","Crime"]

Summary Andy adapts to prison life, makes some acquaintances, and conducts a business transaction with Red. He faces his first violent encounter with the Sisters and starts smuggling contraband. He also confronts Hadley about his inheritance and suggests a way for him to avoid taxes.
Strengths "The scene moves the story forward and shows Andy's determination in adapting to his new environment. The dialogue is engaging and helps build character relationships."
Weaknesses "The violent encounter with the Sisters may be too graphic for some viewers. The scene doesn't introduce any new major plot points."
Critique This scene is well-crafted, with strong dialogue and effective use of voiceover to convey the characters' thoughts and emotions. The setting is vividly described, with the details of the prison yard and the checker game adding depth and realism to the story. The interaction between Red and Andy is layered and nuanced, with hints of both friendship and suspicion. The reveal of Bogs and the other prisoners in the projection booth is a dramatic twist that heightens the tension and raises the stakes. Overall, this scene is a great example of how to build character and create intrigue through dialogue and setting.
Suggestions There are a few suggestions I would have to improve this scene:

- The dialogue could use some more subtext and nuance to make it more interesting and engaging. Try adding some conflict or tension between the characters, or add some layers of meaning to what they say.

- The scene could use some visual interest beyond just characters drinking beer and playing checkers. Consider adding some action or movement to the scene, or some interesting camera angles or shots.

- The scene could benefit from more emotional depth and character development. Try to explore the characters' motivations and inner lives in more detail, and give them more depth and complexity.

- You could also consider adding some foreshadowing or hints about what will happen later in the story, to help build suspense and keep the audience engaged.



Scene 11 -  First Violent Encounter
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
RED
Don't have her stuffed down my
pants this very moment, sorry to
say. Relax. What are you so nervous
about? She's just a woman.
40.


Andy nods, embarrassed. He gets up and hurries out. Red
grins, turns back to the movie.

INT -- AUDITORIUM CORRIDOR -- NIGHT (1949)

Andy exits the theater and freezes in his tracks. Two dark
figures loom in the corridor, blocking his path. Rooster and
Pete. Andy turns back -- and runs right into Bogs. Instant
bear hug. The Sisters are on him like a flash. They kick a
door open and drag him into --

THE PROJECTION BOOTH

-- where they confront the startled PROJECTIONIST, an old
con blinking at them through thick bifocals.

BOGS
Take a walk.

PROJECTIONIST
I have to change reels.

BOGS
I said fuck off.

Terrified, the old man darts past and out the door. Pete
slams and locks it. Bogs shoves Andy to the center of the
room.

BOGS (CONT’D)
Ain't you gonna scream?

Andy sighs, cocks his head at the projector.

ANDY
They'd never hear me over that.
Let's get this over with.

Seemingly resigned, Andy turns around, leans on the rewind
bench -- and curls his fingers around a full 1.000 foot reel
of 35mm film. Rooster licks his lips, pushes past the
others.

ROOSTER
Me first.

ANDY
Okay.

Andy whips the reel of film around in a vicious arc,
smashing it into Rooster's face and bouncing him off the
wall.
41.


ROOSTER
Fuck! Shit! He broke my nose!

Andy fights like hell, but is soon overpowered and forced to
his knees. Bogs steps to Andy, pulls out an awl with a
vicious eight-inch spike, gives him a good long look at it.

BOGS
Now I'm gonna open my fly, and
you're gonna swallow what I give
you to swallow. And when you d
mine, you gonna swallow Rooster's.
You done broke his nose, so he
ought to have somethin' to show for
it.

ANDY
Anything you put in my mouth,
you're going to lose.

BOGS
You don't understand. You do that,
I'll put all eight inches of this
steel ii your ear.

ANDY
Okay. But you should know that
sudden serious brain injury causes
the victim to bite down. Hard.
(faint smile)
In fact, I understand the bite-
reflex is so strong the victim's
jaws have to be pried open with a
crowbar.

The Sisters consider this carefully. The film runs out of
the projector, flapping on the reel. The screen goes white.

BOGS
You little fuck.

Andy gets a bootheel in the face. The Sisters start kicking
and beating the living shit out of him with anything they
can get their hands on. In the theater, the convicts are
CHANTING AND CLAPPING for the movie to come back on.

RED (V.O.)
Bogs didn't put anything in Andy's
mouth, and neither did his friends.
What they did do is beat him within
an inch of his life...
42.


INT -- INFIRMARY -- DAY (1949)

Andy lies wrapped in bandages.

RED (V.O.)
Andy spent a month in traction.

INT -- SOLITARY CONFINEMENT -- DAY (1949)

RED (V.O.)
Bogs spent a week in the hole.

Bogs sits on bare concrete. The steel door slides open.

GUARD
Time's up, Bogs.

INT -- CELLBLOCK FIVE -- 3RD TIER -- DUSK (1949)

Bogs comes up the stairs, smoking a cigarette. Not many cons
around; the place is virtually deserted. A VOICE echoes
dimly over the P.A. system:

VOICE (O.S.)
Return to your cellblocks for
evening count.

Bogs enters his cell. Dark in here. He fumbles for the light
cord, yanks it. The sudden light reveals Captain Hadley six
inches from his face, waiting for him. Mert steps in behind
Bogs. hemming him.

Before Bogs can even open his mouth to say "what the fuck,"
Hadley rams the tip of his baton brutally into his solar
plexus. Bogs doubles over, gagging his wind out.

GROUND FLOOR

Ernie comes slowly around the corner, rolling a steel mop
cart loaded with supplies.

2ND TIER

Red is darning a sock in his open cell. He pauses, frowning,
hearing strange THUMPING sounds. What the hell is that?

3RD TIER

It's Hadley and Mert methodically and brutally pulping Bogs
with their batons, and kicking the shit out of him for good
measure. He feebly tries to ward them off.

2ND TIER
43.


Puzzled, Red steps from his cell, following the sound. It
dawns on him that it's coming from above. He moves to the
railing and leans out, craning around to look up --

RED'S POV

-- just as Bogs flips over the railing and comes sailing

directly toward us, eyes bugging out, SCREAMING as he falls.

RED (SLOW MOTION)

jumps back as Bogs plummets past, missing him by inches,
arms swimming and trying to grab the railing (but missing
that too), SCREAMING aaaaalll the way down --

GROUND FLOOR

-- and impacting on Ernie's gassing mop cart in an enormous
eruption of solvents and cleansers. The cart is squashed
flat, shooting out from under Bogs and skidding across the
cellblock floor like a tiddly wink, kicking up sparks for
thirty yards. Ernie is left gaping in shock at Bogs and all
the Bogs-related wreckage at his feet.

2ND TIER

Red is stunned. He very tentatively leans out and looks up.
Above him, Hadley and Mert lean on the 3rd tier railing.
Hadley tilts the cap back on his head, shakes his head.

MERT
Damn, Byron. Look'a that.

HADLEY
Poor fella must'a tripped.

A tiny drop of blood drips off the toe of Hadley's shoe and

splashes across Red's upturned cheek. He wipes it off, then
looks down at Bogs. Cons and guards are racing to the scene.
Genres: ["drama","prison"]

Summary Andy is violently beaten and raped by the Sisters, leading him to adapt to prison life and smuggle contraband.
Strengths
  • Intense and emotional scene that shows the harsh realities of prison life
  • Great character development for Andy
  • Tension is built throughout the scene
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence and rape may be too disturbing for some audiences
  • The dialogue could use some improvement
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would critique the scene as follows:

Firstly, as a warning, this scene contains graphic violence and assault.

The scene is well-written in terms of tension and pacing. It effectively builds up to the violent confrontation between Andy and the Sisters. The dialogue enhances the characters' personalities and motivations. Red's commentary provides context and adds to the story's overall structure.

However, the extreme violence and sexual assault in the scene might be disturbing to some audiences. It is important that screenwriters are mindful of the sensitive nature of such issues and handle them with care. The audience should not be desensitized to violence or accept it as a norm.

The scene also brings up issues of power dynamics and toxic masculinity, which can be conveyed through the characters' actions and dialogue. The physical assault and the attempt at sexual assault on Andy demonstrate the brutality and inhumanity of certain characters and the corrupt system that allows it to happen.

Overall, while the scene is well-written in terms of its dramatic impact and dialogue, it is important for storytellers to be mindful of the sensitive nature of such issues and handle them with care. The audience should not be desensitized to violence or accept it as a norm.
Suggestions As a language model, I am not in a position to judge the artistic or dramatic merit of a scene. However, in terms of structure and style, here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Give more context: The scene jumps abruptly from Red's statement to Andy's encounter with the Sisters. It might help to provide some transition or setup to explain how and why Andy ended up in this situation, as well as to establish the personalities and motivations of the characters involved.

2. Use visuals and pacing: Since this is a movie script, it's important to consider how the audience will experience the scene visually. Try to use vivid imagery and action verbs to create a sense of movement and tension. Use short sentences and paragraphs to create a fast-paced and suspenseful rhythm.

3. Develop character arcs: Each character in the scene should have a clear goal and motivation. Consider how this scene will affect their development and relationships with each other later in the story.

4. Consider tone and themes: This scene is clearly meant to be intense and violent. However, it's important to consider the larger themes and messages of the story and how this scene fits into them. Is this scene necessary to convey those themes, or does it simply exist for shock value?

Overall, focus on creating a clear and compelling story that engages the audience emotionally and intellectually.



Scene 12 -  Contraband and Welcome Back
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
RED (V.O.)
Two things never happened again
after that. The Sisters never laid
a finger on Andy again...

EXT -- PRISON YARD/LOADING DOCK -- DAY (1949)

Bogs, wheelchair-bound and wearing a neck brace, is loaded
onto an ambulance for transport. Behind the fence stand Red
and his friends, watching.
44.


RED (V.O.)
...and Bogs never walked again.
They transferred him to a minimum
security hospital upstate. To my
knowledge, he lived out the rest of
his days drinking his food through
a straw.

RED
I'm thinkin' Andy could use a nice
welcome back when he gets out of
the infirmary.

HEYWOOD
Sounds good to us. Figure we owe
him for the beer.

RED
Man likes to play chess. Let's get
him some rocks.

EXT -- FIELD -- DAY (1949)

A HUNDRED CONS at work. Hoes rise and fall in long waves.
GUARDS patrol on horseback. Heywood turns up a rocky chunk,
quickly shoves it down his pants. He maneuvers to Red and
the others, pulls out the chunk and shows it to them.

FLOYD
That ain't quartz. Nor limestone.

HEYWOOD
What are you, fuckin' geologist?

SNOOZE
He's right, it ain't.

HEYWOOD
What the hell is it then?

RED
Horse apple.

HEYWOOD
Bullshit.

RED
No, horse shit. Petrified.

Cackling, the men go back to work. Heywood stares at the
rock. He crumbles it in his hands.
45.


RED (V.O.)
Despite a few hitches, the boys
came through in fine style...

INT -- PRISON LAUNDRY -- BACK ROOM -- DAY (1949)

A huge detergent box is filled with rocks, hidden in the
shadows behind a boiler furnace.

RED (V.O.)
...and by the week Andy was due
back, we had enough rocks saved up
to keep him busy till Rapture.

ANGLE SHIFTS to Red as he plops a bag of "laundry" on the
floor. Leonard and Bob toss a few more down. Red starts
pulling out contraband, giving them their commissions.

RED (V.O.)
Also got a big shipment in that
week. Cigarettes, chewing gum,
shoelaces, playing cards with naked
ladies on 'em, you name it...
(pulls a cardboard tube)
...and, of course, the most
important item.

INT -- CELLBLOCK FIVE -- NIGHT (1949)

Andy, limping a bit, returns from the infirmary. Red watches
from his cell as Andy is brought up and locked away.

INT -- ANDY'S CELL -- NIGHT (1949)

Andy finds the cardboard tube lying on his bunk.

GUARD (O.S.)
Lights out!

The lights go off. Andy opens the tube and pulls out a large
rolled poster. He lets it uncurl to the floor. A small scrap
of paper flutters out, landing at his feet. The poster is
the famous Rita Hayworth pin-up -- one hand behind her head,
eyes half closed, sulky lips parted. Andy picks up the scrap
of paper. It reads: "No charge. Welcome back." Alone in the
dark, Andy smiles.

INT -- CELLBLOCK FIVE -- MORNING (1949)

The BUZZER SOUNDS, the cells SLAM OPEN. Cons step from their
cells. Andy catches Red's eye, nods his thanks. As the men
shuffle down to breakfast, Red glances into Andy's cell --
46.


RED'S POV -- DOLLYING PAST

-- and sees Rita in her new place of honor on Andy's wall.
Sunlight casts a harsh barred shadow across her lovely face.

INT -- CELLBLOCK FIVE -- NIGHT (1949)

Ernie is mopping the floor. He glances back and sees Warden
Norton approach the cellblock with an entourage of a DOZEN
GUARDS. Still mopping, Ernie mutters to the nearest cell:

ERNIE
Heads up. They're tossin' cells.

Word travels fast from cell to cell. Cons scramble to tidy
up and hide things. Norton enters, nods to his men. The
guards pair off in all directions, making their choices at
random.

GUARD
What kind'a contraband you hiding
in there, boy?

Cells are opened, occupants displaced, items scattered,
mattresses overturned. Whatever contraband is found gets
tossed out onto the cellblock floor. Mostly harmless stuff.

A GUARD pulls a sharpened screwdriver out of a mattress,
shoots a nasty look at the CON responsible.

NORTON
Solitary. A week. Make sure he
takes his Bible.

CON
Too goddamn dark to read down
there.

NORTON
Add another week for blasphemy.

The man is taken away. Norton's gaze goes up.

NORTON (CONT’D)
Let's try the second tier.

2ND TIER

Norton arrives, makes a thin show of picking a cell at
random. He motions at Andy on his bunk, reading his Bible.
The door is unlocked. Norton enters, trailed by his men.
Andy rises.
47.


ANDY
Good evening.

Norton gives a curt nod. Hadley and Trout start tossing the
cell in a thorough search. Norton keeps his eyes on Andy,
looking for a wrong glance or nervous blink. He takes the
Bible out of Andy's hand.

NORTON
I'm pleased to see you reading
this. Any favorite passages?

ANDY
Watch ye therefore, for ye know not
when the master of the house
cometh.

NORTON
(smiles)
Luke. Chapter 13, verse 35. I've
always liked that one.
(strolls the cell)
But I prefer: "I am the light of
the world. He that followeth me
shall not walk in darkness, but
shall have the light of life."

ANDY
John. Chapter 8, verse 12.

NORTON
I hear you're good with numbers.
How nice. A man should have a
skill.

HADLEY
You wanna explain this?
Genres: ["Drama","Prison Drama"]

Summary Andy adapts to prison life, makes acquaintances and smuggles contraband. Norton tosses cells and finds contraband in Andy's cell. Norton questions Andy's financial knowledge and introduces himself as a corrupt authority figure.
Strengths "Strong acting and visceral experience of prison life, well-developed characters with complex relationships"
Weaknesses "Some viewers may find the violence and rape scenes to be gratuitous"
Critique The scene is well-written and engaging, effectively balancing exposition and action. The use of voiceover narration serves to provide context and backstory without bogging down the visuals or dialogue. The dialogue between the characters feels authentic and natural, and the scene is well-paced, building tension as the search of cells intensifies.

One possible critique could be the lack of visual description in certain moments, such as the loading of Bogs onto the ambulance or the search of Andy's cell. While the dialogue between characters effectively conveys what is happening, including more visual detail could add to the atmosphere and setting.

Overall, however, the scene is well-crafted and effective in advancing the plot and characters.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well-written and flows nicely. However, there are a few potential areas for improvement:

1. The dialogue between Red and his friends about getting Andy rocks feels a bit forced and contrived. It's unclear why they would want to give Andy rocks as a gift, and it feels like a convenient way to provide a plot point for later in the scene. Consider reworking this conversation to make it feel more natural and character-driven.

2. The moment when Andy finds the Rita Hayworth poster feels like it should be more impactful. The buildup to the moment is good, but the actual reveal and reaction feels underwhelming. Consider emphasizing the significance of the poster to Andy's character more in the earlier parts of the script, so the audience understands why it's so important to him.

3. The third act of the scene, when Norton and his guards search the cells, feels rushed and chaotic. It's difficult to keep track of what's happening and why it matters. Consider using more clear, concise language to describe the action and motivations of the characters.

4. There's a missed opportunity for visual storytelling in the scene where Andy is reading his Bible. Instead of simply describing what's happening, consider using close-ups and camera angles to show the tension between Andy and Norton, and to emphasize the importance of the Bible to both characters.



Scene 13 -  Andy's Financial Savvy
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
Andy glances over. Hadley is holding up a rock blanket, a
polishing cloth roughly the size of an oven mitt.

ANDY
It's called a rock blanket. It's
for shaping and polishing rocks.
Little hobby of mine.

Hadley glances at the rocks lining the window sill, turns to
Norton.

HADLEY
Looks pretty clean. Some contraband
here, nothing to get in a twist
over.
48.


Norton nods, strolls to the poster of Rita.

NORTON
I can't say I approve of this...
(turns to Andy)
...but I suppose exceptions can
always be made.

Norton exits, the guards follow. The cell door is slammed
and locked. Norton pauses, turns back.

NORTON (CONT’D)
I almost forgot.

He reaches through the bars and returns the Bible to Andy.

NORTON (CONT’D)
I'd hate to deprive you of this.
Salvation lies within.

Norton and his men walk away.

RED (V.O.)
Tossin' cells was just an excuse.
Truth is, Norton wanted to size
Andy up.

INT -- PRISON LAUNDRY -- DAY (1949)

Andy is working the line. Hadley enters and confers briefly
with Bob. Bob nods, crosses to Andy, taps him. Andy turns,
removes an earplug. Bob shouts over the machine noise:

BOB
DUFRESNE! YOU'RE OFF THE LINE!

INT -- WARDEN NORTON'S OFFICE -- DAY (1949)

Andy is led in. Norton is at his desk doing paperwork.
Andy's eyes go to a framed needle-point sampler on the wall
behind him that reads: "HIS JUDGMENT COMETH AND THAT RIGHT
SOON."

NORTON
My wife made that in church group.

ANDY
It's very pretty, sir.

NORTON
You like working in the laundry?

ANDY
No, sir. Not especially.
49.


NORTON
Perhaps we can find something more
befitting a man of your education.

INT -- MAIN BUILDING -- STORAGE ROOMS -- DAY (1949)

A series of bleak rooms stacked high with unused filing
cabinets, desks, paint supplies, etc. Andy enters. He hears
a FLUTTER OF WINGS. An adult crow lands on a filing cabinet
and struts back and forth, checking him out. Andy smiles.

ANDY
Hey, Jake. Where's Brooks?

Brooks Hatlen pokes his head out of the back room.

BROOKS
Andy! Thought I heard you out here!

ANDY
I've been reassigned to you.

BROOKS
I know, they told me. Ain't that a
kick in the ass? Come on in, I'll
give you the dime tour.

INT -- SHAWSHANK PRISON LIBRARY -- DAY (1949)

Brooks leads Andy into the bleakest back room of all. Rough
plank shelves are lined with books. Brooks' private domain.

BROOKS
Here she is, the Shawshank Prison
Library. Along this side, we got
the National Geographics. That
side, the Reader's Digest Condensed
books. Bottom shelf there, some
Louis L'Amours and Erle Stanley
Gardners. Every night I pile the
cart and make my rounds. I write
down the names on this clipboard
here. Well, that's it. Easy, peasy,
Japanesey. Any questions?

Andy pauses. Something about this doesn't make any sense.

ANDY
Brooks? How long have you been
librarian?

BROOKS
Since 1912. Yuh, over 37 years.
50.


ANDY
In all that time, have you ever had
an assistant?

BROOKS
Never needed one. Not much to it,
is there?

ANDY
So why now? Why me?

BROOKS
I dunno. Be nice to have some
comp'ny down here for a change.

HADLEY (O.S.)
Dufresne!

ANDY STEPS BACK INTO THE OUTER ROOMS AND FINDS HADLEY WITH

another GUARD, a huge fellow named DEKINS.

HADLEY (CONT’D)
That's him. That's the one.

Hadley exits. Dekins approaches Andy ominously. Andy stands
his ground, waiting for whatever comes next. Finally:

DEKINS
I'm Dekins. I been, uh, thinkin'
'bout maybe settin' up some kinda
trust fund for my kids' educations.

Andy covers his surprise. Glances at Brooks. Brooks smiles.

ANDY
I see. Well. Why don't we have a
seat and talk it over?

BROOKS
Pull down one'a them desks there.

Andy and Dekins grab a desk standing on end and tilt it to
the floor. They find chairs and settle in. Brooks returns
with a tablet of paper and a pen, slides them before Andy.

ANDY
What did you have in mind? A weekly
draw on your pay?

DEKINS
Yuh. I figured just stick it in the
bank, but Captain Hadley said check
with you first.
51.


ANDY
He was right. You don't want your
money in a bank.

DEKINS
I don't?

ANDY
What's that gonna earn you? Two and
a half, three percent a year? We
can do a lot better than that.
(wets his pen)
So tell me, Mr. Dekins. Where do
you want to send your kids?
Harvard? Yale?

INT -- MESS HALL -- DAY (1949)

FLOYD
He didn't say that!

BROOKS
God is my witness. And Dekins, he
just blinks for a second, then
laughs his ass off. Afterward, he
actually shook Andy's hand.

HEYWOOD
My ass!

BROOKS
Shook his fuckin' hand. Just about
shit myself. All Andy needed was a
suit and tie, a jiggly little hula
girl on his desk, he would'a been
Mister Dufresne, if you please.

RED
Makin' yourself some friends, Andy.
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Andy impresses Hadley and Norton with his financial knowledge, leads to him being assigned to work with Brooks in the library, and helps inmate Dekins set up a trust fund for his kids.
Strengths
  • Demonstrates Andy's intelligence and financial knowledge
  • Provides hope that Andy may find a way out of prison
  • Develops Andy's relationships with other inmates
Weaknesses
  • Lacks significant conflict or high stakes
Critique This scene from The Shawshank Redemption is well-written and effectively conveys important information while also establishing character. The dialogue is sharp and natural, with each character's personality coming through in their words.

However, one potential improvement could be to show more visual detail to enhance the setting and action. For example, when Andy enters the storage rooms, the description could include the specific items he sees on the shelves, the smells in the air, and the sounds of his footsteps echoing off the walls. This would make the scene feel more immersive for the audience and highlight the contrast between the bland storage rooms and the colorful library that follows.

Overall, though, the scene effectively advances the plot while also adding depth to the characters and setting.
Suggestions This scene is well-written, but a few suggestions could enhance it further:

1. Add more visual detail: As a screenwriting expert, you can use more visual detail to make the scene more vivid and engaging. For instance, you can describe the expressions on the characters' faces, their body language, the setting, and other sensory details, such as smells, sounds, and textures.

2. Use more subtext: The dialogue in this scene is relatively straightforward and on-the-nose. However, you can enhance it by adding more subtext. This means that the characters may say one thing, but mean another, or convey their true feelings through nonverbal cues or hidden motives.

3. Build more tension: This scene serves as a setup for future conflict, as Norton and his men are sizing up Andy. To make this tension more palpable, you can add more suspenseful elements, such as foreshadowing, dramatic irony, or character decisions that have greater consequences.

4. Add more stakes: The scene lacks a clear sense of what's at stake for Andy and the other characters. To create more tension and engagement, you can introduce higher stakes, such as the risk of death or physical harm, the loss of freedom, reputation, or something else that matters deeply to the characters.



Scene 14 -  Andy's Financial Planning
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
ANDY
I wouldn't say "friends." I'm a
convicted murderer who provides
sound financial planning. That's a
wonderful pet to have.

RED
Got you out of the laundry, didn't
it?

ANDY
Maybe it can do more than that.
(off their looks)
(MORE)
52.

ANDY (CONT'D)
How about expanding the library?
Get some new books in there.

HEYWOOD
How you 'spect to do that, "Mr.
Dufresne-if-you-please?"

ANDY
Ask the warden for funds.

LAUGHTER all around. Andy blinks at them.

BROOKS
Son, I've had six wardens through
here during my tenure, and I have
learned one great immutable truth
of the universe: ain't one of 'em
been born whose asshole don't
pucker up tight as a snare drum
when you ask for funds.

INT -- MAIN BUILDING HALLWAY -- DAY (1949)

DOLLYING Norton and Andy up the hall:

NORTON
Not a dime. My budget's stretched
thin as it is.

ANDY
I see. Perhaps I could write to the
State Senate and request funds
directly from them.

NORTON
Far as them Republican boys in
Augusta are concerned, there's only
three ways to spend the taxpayer's
hard-earned when it come to
prisons. More walls. More bars.
More guards.

ANDY
Still, I'd like to try, with your
permission. I'll send a letter a
week. They can't ignore me forever.

NORTON
They sure can, but you write your
letters if it makes you happy. I'll
even mail 'em for you, how's that?
53.


INT -- ANDY'S CELL -- NIGHT (1949)

Andy is on his bunk, writing a letter.

RED (V.O.)
So Andy started writing a letter a
week, just like he said.

INT -- GUARD DESK/NORTON'S OUTER OFFICE -- DAY (1949)

Andy pops his head in. The GUARD shakes his head.

RED (V.O.)
And just like Norton said, Andy got
no answers. But still he kept on.

INT -- PRISON LIBRARY/ANDY'S OFFICE -- DAY (1950)

Andy is doing taxes. Mert Entwhistle is seated across from
him. Other off-duty guards are waiting their turn.

RED (V.O.)
The following April, Andy did tax
returns for half the guards at
Shawshank.

INT -- PRISON LIBRARY -- ONE YEAR LATER (1951)

Tax time again. Even more guards are waiting.

RED (V.O.)
Year after that, he did them all...
including the warden's.

EXT -- BASEBALL DIAMOND -- DAY (1952)

A BATTER in a "Noresby Marauders" baseball uniform WHACKS
the ball high into left field and races for first.

RED (V.O.)
Year after that, they rescheduled
the start of the intramural season
to coincide with tax season...

INT -- PRISON LIBRARY/ANDY'S OFFICE -- DAY (1952)

The Batter sits across from Andy. The line winds out the
door.

RED (V.O.)
The guards on the opposing teams
all remembered to bring their W-
2's.
54.


ANDY
Moresby Prison issued you that gun,
but you actually had to pay for it?

THE BATTER
Damn right, and the holster too.

ANDY
See, that's all deductible. You get
to write that off.

RED (V.O.)
Yes sir, Andy was a regular H&R
Block. In fact, he got so busy at
tax time, he was allowed a staff.

ANGLE SHIFTS to reveal Red and Brooks doing filing chores.

ANDY
Say Red, could you hand me a stack
of those 1040s?

RED (V.O.)
Got me out of the wood shop a month
out of the year, and that was fine
by me.

INT -- GUARD DESK/NORTON'S OUTER OFFICE -- DAY (1953)

Andy enters and drops a letter on the outgoing stack.

RED (V.O.)
And still he kept sending those
letters...

INT -- ANDY'S CELL -- NIGHT (1953)

Dark. Andy's in his bunk, polishing a four-inch length of
quartz. It's a beautifully-crafted chess piece in the shape
of a horse's head, poise and nobility captured in gleaming
stone.

He puts the knight on a chess board by his bed, adding it to
four pieces already there: a king, a queen, and two bishops.
He turns to Rita. Moonlight casts bars across her face.

EXT -- EXERCISE YARD -- DAY (1954)

Floyd runs into the yard, scared and winded. He finds Andy
and Red on the bleachers.

FLOYD
Red? Andy? It's Brooks.
55.


INT -- PRISON LIBRARY/ANDY'S OFFICE -- DAY (1954)

Floyd rushes in with Andy and Red at his heels. They find
Jigger and Snooze trying to calm Brooks, who has Heywood in
a chokehold and a knife to his throat. Heywood is terrified.

JIGGER
C'mon, Brooksie, why don't you just
calm the fuck down, okay?

BROOKS
Goddamn miserable puke-eatin' sons
of whores!

He kicks a table over. Tax files explode through the air.

RED
What the hell's going on?

SNOOZE
You tell me, man. One second he was
fine, then out came the knife. I
better get the guards.

RED
No. We'll handle this. Ain't that
right, Brooks? Just settle down and
we'll talk about it, okay?

BROOKS
Nothing left to talk about! It's
all talked out! Nothing left now
but to cut his fuckin' throat!

RED
Why? What's Heywood done to you?

BROOKS
That's what they want! It's the
price I gotta pay!

Andy steps forward, rivets Brooks with a gaze. Softly:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Andy, with the help of Red and Brooks, does tax returns for the guards and library book fund remains a pipe-dream. Brooks later goes berserk and nearly stabs Heywood
Strengths
  • The financial planning scheme is creative and shows Andy's intelligence
  • The scene has emotional weight with the violent outburst of Brooks
Weaknesses
  • The setting is confined to the prison so it can get repetitive visually
  • Dialogue can be a bit flat at times
Critique The dialogue in this scene is strong and effectively showcases the character dynamics and relationships between the inmates. The use of humor helps to keep the scene engaging and adds depth to the characters. The action and dialogue are clear and well-defined, making it easy for the audience to follow the plot. The scene effectively sets up the conflict and tension that will play out later in the film. Overall, this scene is well-written and executed.
Suggestions I would suggest adding more action to the scene to break up the dialogue. Perhaps some reactions from the other characters, some movement around the room, or even flashbacks to Andy's earlier attempts to get funding for the library. Additionally, explore the emotions more deeply. What is driving each character? Why is Andy so committed to expanding the library? How does Red really feel about being pulled into Andy's crusade? These added layers of depth and complexity will make the scene more engaging for the audience.



Scene 15 -  Brooks' Release
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 10
  • Dialogue: 8
ANDY
Brooks, you're not going to hurt
Heywood, we all know that. Even
Heywood knows it, right Heywood?

HEYWOOD
(nods, terrified)
Sure. I know that. Sure.
56.


ANDY
Why? Ask anyone, they'll tell you.
Brooks Hatlen is a reasonable man.

RED
(cuing nods all around)
Yeah, that's right. That's what
everybody says.

ANDY
You're not fooling anybody, so just
put the damn knife down and stop
scaring the shit out of people.

BROOKS
But it's the only way they'll let
me stay.

Brooks bursts into tears. The storm is over. Heywood
staggers free, gasping for air. Andy takes the knife, passes
it to Red. Brooks dissolves into Andy's arms with great
heaving sobs.

ANDY
Take it easy. You'll be all right.

HEYWOOD
Him? What about me? Crazy old fool!
Goddamn near slit my throat!

RED
You've had worse from shaving.
What'd you do to set him off?

HEYWOOD
Nothin'! Just came in to say fare-
thee-well.
(off their looks)
Ain't you heard? His parole came
through!

Red and Andy exchange a surprised look. Andy wants to
understand. Red just motions to let it be for now. He puts
his arm around Brooks, who sobs inconsolably. Softly:

RED
Ain't that bad, old hoss. Won't be
long till you're squiring pretty
young girls on your arm and telling
'em lies.
57.


EXT -- PRISON YARD BLEACHERS -- DUSK (1954)

ANDY
I just don't understand what
happened in there, that's all.

HEYWOOD
Old man's crazy as a rat in a tin
shithouse, is what.

RED
Heywood, enough. Ain't nothing
wrong with Brooksie. He's just
institutionalized, that's all.

HEYWOOD
Institutionalized, my ass.

RED
Man's been here fifty years. This
place is all he knows. In here,
he's an important man, an educated
man. A librarian. Out there, he's
nothing but a used-up old con with
arthritis in both hands. Couldn't
even get a library card if he
applied. You see what I'm saying?

FLOYD
Red, I do believe you're talking
out of your ass.

RED
Believe what you want. These walls
are funny. First you hate 'em, then
you get used to 'em. After long
enough, you get so you depend on
'em. That's "institutionalized."

JIGGER
Shit. I could never get that way.

ERNIE
(softly)
Say that when you been inside as
long as Brooks has.

RED
Goddamn right. They send you here
for life, and that's just what they
take. Part that counts, anyway.
58.


EXT -- SHAWSHANK PRISON -- DAWN (1954)

The sun rises over gray stone.

INT -- ANDY'S CELL -- DAWN (1954)

ANGLE ON RITA POSTER. Sexy as ever. The rising sun sends
fingers of rosy light creeping across her face.

INT -- LIBRARY -- DAWN (1954)

Brooks stands on a chair, poised at the bars of a window,
cradling Jake in his hands.

BROOKS
I can't take care of you no more.
You go on now. You're free.

He tosses Jake through the bars. The crow flaps away.

EXT -- SHAWSHANK PRISON -- MAIN GATE -- DAY (1954)

TWO SHORT SIREN BLASTS herald the opening of the gate. It
swings hugely open, revealing Brooks standing in his cheap
suit, carrying a cheap bag, wearing a cheap hat.

Brooks walks out, tears streaming down his face. He looks
back. Red, Andy, and others stand at the inner fence, seeing
him off. The massive gate closes, wiping them from view.

INT -- BUS -- DAY (1954)

Brooks is riding the bus, clutching the seat before him,
gripped by terror of speed and motion.

BROOKS (V.O.)
Dear Fellas. I can't believe how
fast things move on the outside.

EXT -- STREET -- PORTLAND, MAINE -- DAY (1954)

Brooks looks like a kid trying to cross the street without
his parents. People and traffic a blur.

BROOKS (V.O.)
I saw an automobile once when I was
young. Now they're everywhere.

EXT -- BREWSTER HOTEL -- DAY (1954)

Brooks comes trudging up the sidewalk. He glances up as a
prop-driven airliner streaks in low overhead.
59.


BROOKS (V.O.)
The world went and got itself in a
big damn hurry.

He arrives at the Brewster. It ain't much to look at.

INT -- BREWSTER HOTEL -- DAY (1954)

A WOMAN leads Brooks up the stairs toward the top floor. He
has trouble climbing so many stairs.

WOMAN
No music in your room after eight
p.m. No guests after nine. No
cooking except on the hotplate...

BROOKS (V.O.)
People even talk faster. And
louder.

INT -- BROOKS' ROOM -- DAY (1954)

Brooks enters. The room is small, old, dingy. Heavy wooden
beams cross the ceiling. An arched window affords a view of
Congress Street. Traffic noise drifts in. Brooks sets his
bag down. He doesn't quite know what to do. He just stands
there, like a man waiting for a bus.

BROOKS (V.O.)
The parole board got me into this
halfway house called the Brewster,
and a job bagging groceries at the
Foodway...

INT -- FOODWAY MARKET -- DAY (1954)

Loud. Jangling with PEOPLE and NOISE. Brooks is bagging
groceries. Registers are humming, kids are shrieking.

WOMAN
Make sure he double-bags. Last time
your man didn't double-bag and the
bottom near came out.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Brooks is released from prison and struggles to adapt to life outside of prison, ultimately leading to his suicide.
Strengths "The emotional impact of Brooks' release and subsequent suicide is profound, and the theme of institutionalization is powerful."
Weaknesses "The scene may drag on too long, and there is a lack of significant plot developments."
Critique Overall, the scene is effective in portraying Brooks' struggles adjusting to life outside of prison and his eventual breakdown. The dialogue feels natural and reveals a lot about the characters and their perspectives on life inside vs. outside of prison. The use of voiceover adds depth to Brooks' internal struggle and helps to illustrate the stark contrast between his old life and new one. The scene also does a good job of showing the passage of time and the changes in society that Brooks must adapt to. One potential issue with the scene is that it may feel a bit heavy-handed with its themes, but this is mitigated by the strong performances and direction. Overall, a well-executed scene.
Suggestions One suggestion could be to add more tension and build-up leading up to Brooks pulling out the knife. Perhaps include some foreshadowing or hints that he is struggling with adjusting to life outside of prison, and make it more clear that he is feeling desperate and stuck. This would make the climax of the scene more impactful and emotionally charged. Additionally, some more character development for Brooks before this scene could make his breakdown and actions feel more believable and understandable.



Scene 16 -  Brooks' Suicide
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
MANAGER
You double-bag like the lady says,
understand?

BROOKS
Yes sir, double-bag, surely will.

BROOKS (V.O.)
It's hard work. I try to keep up,
but my hands hurt most of the time.
(MORE)
60.

BROOKS (V.O.) (CONT'D)
I don't think the store manager
likes me very much.

EXT -- PARK -- DAY (1954)

Brooks sits alone on a bench, feeding pigeons.

BROOKS (V.O.)
Sometimes after work I go to the
park and feed the birds. I keep
thinking Jake might show up and say
hello, but he never does. I hope
wherever he is, he's doing okay and
making new friends.

INT -- BROOKS' ROOM -- NIGHT (1954)

Dark. Traffic outside. Brooks wakes up. Disoriented. Afraid.
Somewhere in the night, a LOUD ARGUMENT is taking place.

BROOKS (V.O.)
I have trouble sleeping at night.
The bed is too big. I have bad
dreams, like I'm falling. I wake up
scared. Sometimes it takes me a
while to remember where I am.

INT -- FOODWAY -- DAY (1954)

BROOKS (V.O.)
Maybe I should get me a gun and rob
the Foodway, so they'd send me
home. I could shoot the manager
while I was at it, sort of like a
bonus.

INT -- BROOKS' ROOM -- DAY (1954)

Brooks is packing his worldly possessions into the carry
bag. Undershirts, socks, etc.

BROOKS (V.O.)
But I guess I'm too old for that
sort of nonsense anymore.

INT -- BROOKS' ROOM -- SHORTLY LATER (1954)

Brooks is dressed in his suit. He finishes knotting his tie,
puts his hat on his head. The letter lies on the desk,
stampe3 and ready for mailing. His bag is by the door.
61.


BROOKS (V.O.)
I don't like it here. I'm tired of
being afraid all the time. I've
decided not to stay.

He takes one last look around. Only one thing left to do. He
steps to a wooden chair in the center of the room, pulls out
s pocketknife, and glances up at the ceiling beam.

He steps up onto the chair. It wobbles queasily. Now facing
the beam, he carves a message into the wood: "Brooks Hatlen
was here." He smiles with a sort of inner peace.

BROOKS (V.O.)
I doubt they'll kick up any fuss.
Not for an old crook like me.

TIGHT ON CHAIR

His weight shifts on the wobbly chair -- and it goes out
from under him. His feet remain where they are, kicking
feebly in mid-air. His hat falls to the floor.

ANGLE WIDENS. Brooks has hanged himself. He swings gently,
facing the open window. Traffic noise floats up from below.

EXT -- EXERCISE YARD -- SHAWSHANK -- DAY (1954)

Andy reads the letter to Red and the others:

ANDY
P.S. Tell Heywood I'm sorry I put a
knife to his throat. No hard
feelings.

A long silence. Andy folds the letter, puts it away. Softly:

RED
He should'a died in here, goddamn
it.

INT -- PRISON LIBRARY -- DAY (1954)

Andy is sorting books on the cart. He replaces a stack on
the shelf -- and pauses, noticing a line of ants crawling up
the wood. He glances up. The ants disappear over the top. He
pulls a chair over and stands on it, peers cautiously over.

ANDY
Red!

Red steps in with an armload of files. Andy gingerly reaches
in, grabs a black feathered wing, and pulls out a dead crow.
62.


RED
(softly)
Is that Jake?

INT -- WOOD SHOP -- DAY (1954)

Red is making something at his bench, sanding and planing.

RED (V.O.)
It never would have occurred to us,
if not for Andy. It was his idea.
We all agreed it was the right
thing to do...

EXT -- FIELDS -- DAY (1954)

Low hilly terrain all around. A HUNDRED CONS are at work in
the fields. GUARDS patrol with carbines, keeping a sharp
eye. We find Andy, Red, and the boys working with picks and
shovels. They glance over to the pickup truck. Hadley's
chewing the fat with Mert and Youngblood. A WHISTLE BLOWS.

GUARD
Water break! Five minutes!

The work stops. Cons head for the pickup truck, where water
is dispensed with dipper and pail. Red and the boys look to
Andy. Andy nods. Now's the time. The group moves off through
the confusion, using it as cover. They head up the slope of
a nearby hill and quickly decide on a suitable spot. The
guards haven't noticed.

Jigger and Floyd start swinging picks into the soft earth,
quickly ripping out a hole. Red reaches into his jacket and
pulls out a beautiful wooden box, carefully stained and
varnished. He shows it around to nods of approval.

ANDY
That's real pretty, Red. Nice work.

HEYWOOD
Shovel man in. Watch the dirt.

Heywood jumps in and starts spading out the hole.

BY THE TRUCK

Youngblood glances up and sees the men on the slope.

YOUNGBLOOD
What the fuck.
63.


HADLEY
(follows his gaze)
HEY.' YOU MEN UP THERE.' GET YOUR
ASSES OFF THAT SLOPE!
(works his rifle bolt)
YOU HAPPY ASSHOLES GONE DEAF? YOU
GOT FIVE SECONDS 'FORE I SHOOT
SOMEBODY!

Suddenly, other cons start breaking away in groups, dozens
of them heading toward the slope. The guards look around.

HADLEY (CONT’D)
What am I, talkin' to myself?

ON THE SLOPE

Andy pulls a towel-wrapped bundle from his jacket and
unfolds it. Jake. Andy lays him in the box, followed by
Brook's letter. Red places the casket in the hole. A moment
of silence. Andy gives Red with an encouraging nod.

RED
Lord. Brooks was a sinner. Jake was
just a crow. Neither was much to
look at. Both got
institutionalized. See what you can
do for 'em. Amen.

Muttered "amens" all around. The boys shovel dirt onto the
small grave and tamp it down.
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Brooks commits suicide after being released from prison, while Andy and the others mourn his loss and bury his pet crow, Jake.
Strengths "The emotions feel authentic and raw, making for a compelling and impactful scene."
Weaknesses "The dialogue could have been stronger and more memorable."
Critique This scene is very effective in showing the emotional impact of institutionalization on Brooks and his eventual tragic end. The use of voiceover narration adds depth to the character's inner turmoil and sense of isolation, while the contrast between the mundane work at the grocery store and the peaceful act of feeding pigeons in the park highlights the severity of Brooks' situation.

The suicide scene is handled with great sensitivity and restraint, with the focus on Brooks' last moments and inner peace rather than the act of suicide itself. The decision to bury Jake alongside Brooks also shows how even small acts of kindness can have a profound impact on those who are institutionalized.

Overall, the scene effectively conveys the theme of institutionalization and the toll it takes on individuals, while also highlighting the power of connection and kindness in overcoming isolation and despair.
Suggestions While the scene has a powerful emotional impact, there are a few things that could be improved in terms of writing and pacing:

1. The transition from Brooks sitting on the bench to him packing his possessions and contemplating suicide feels abrupt. It might be helpful to add an intermediate step where he becomes increasingly despondent or feels like there's no other way out.

2. The dialogue between the manager and Brooks feels like filler without much purpose. It could be shortened or made more meaningful to the overall story.

3. The scene where Andy finds the dead crow could be cut, as it doesn't add much to the story except for a small moment of humor.

4. The description of the burial of the crow and Brooks feels rushed, and could benefit from more details and sensory descriptions to make the event more impactful.



Scene 17 -  The Library Comes Alive
  • Overall: 10.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT -- SHAWSHANK CORRIDORS -- DAY (1955)

RAPID DOLLY with Hadley. He's striding, pissed-off, a man on
e mission. He straight-arms a door and emerges onto --

EXT -- SHAWSHANK PRISON WALL -- DAY (1955)

-- the wall overlooking the exercise yard. He leans on the
railing, scans the yard, sees Andy chatting with Red.

HADLEY
Dufresne! What the fuck did you do?
(Andy looks up)
Your ass, warden's office, now!

Andy shoots a worried look at Red, then heads off.

INT -- GUARD DESK/WARDEN'S OUTER OFFICE -- DAY (1955)

Dozens of parcel boxes litter the floor. WILEY, the duty
guard, picks through them. Hadley enters, trailed by Andy.
64.


ANDY
What is all this?

HADLEY
You tell me, fuck-stick! They're
addressed to you, every damn one!

Wiley thrusts an envelope at Andy. Andy just stares at it.

WILEY
Well, take it.

Andy takes the envelope, pulls out a letter, reads:

ANDY
Dear Mr. Dufresne. In response to
your repeated inquiries, the State
Senate has allocated the enclosed
funds for your library project... "
(stunned, examines check)
This is two hundred dollars.

Wiley grins. Hadley glares at him. The grin vanishes.

ANDY (CONT’D)
In addition, the Library District
has generously responded with a
charitable donation of used books
and sundries. We trust this will
fill your needs. We now consider
the matter closed. Please stop
sending us letters. Yours truly,
the State Comptroller's Office.

Andy gazes around at the boxes. The riches of the world lay
at his feet. His eyes mist with emotion at the sight.

HADLEY
I want all this cleared out before
the warden gets back, I shit you
not.

Hadley exits. Andy touches the boxes like a love-struck man
touching a beautiful woman. Wiley grins.

WILEY
Good for you, Andy.

ANDY
Only took six years.
(beat)
From now on, I send two letters a
week instead of one.
65.


WILEY
(laughs, shakes his head)
I believe you're crazy enough. You
better get this stuff downstairs
like the Captain said. I'm gonna go
pinch a loaf. When I get back, this
is all gone, right?

Andy nods. Wiley disappears into the toilet, Jughead Comix
in hand. Alone now, Andy starts going through the boxes like
a starving man exploring packages of food. He doesn't know
where to turn first. He gets giddy, ripping boxes open and
pulling out books, touching them, smelling them.

He rips open another box. This one contains an old
phonograph player, industrial gray and green, the words
"Portland Public School District" stenciled on the side. The
box also contains stacks and stacks of used record albums.

Andy reverently slips a stack from the box and starts
flipping through them. Used Nat King Coles, Bing Crosbys,
etc. He comes across a certain album -- Mozart's "Le Nozze
de Figaro." He pulls it from the stack, gazing upon it as a
man transfixed. It is a thing of beauty. It is the Grail.

INT -- BATHROOM -- DAY (1955)

Wiley sits in one of the stalls, Jughead comic on his knees.

INT -- GUARD STATION/OUTER OFFICE -- DAY (1955)

Andy wrestles the phonograph player onto the guards' desk,
sweeping things onto the floor in his haste. He plugs the
machine in. A red light warms up. The platter starts
spinning.

He slides the Mozart album from its sleeve, lays it on the
platter, and lowers the tone arm to his favorite cut. The
needle HISSES in the groove...and the MUSIC begins, lilting
and gorgeous. Andy sinks into Wiley's chair, overcome by its
beauty. It is "Deutino: Che soave zeffiretto," a duet sung
by

Susanna and the Contessa.

INT -- BATHROOM -- DAY (1955)

Wiley pauses reading, puzzled. He thinks he hears music.

WILEY
Andy? You hear that?
66.


INT -- GUARD STATION/OUTER OFFICE -- DAY (1955)

Andy shoots a look at the bathroom...and smiles. Go for
broke. He lunges to his feet and barricades the front door,
then the bathroom. He returns to the desk and positions the
P.A. microphone. He works up his courage, then flicks all
the toggles to "on." A SQUEAL OF FEEDBACK echoes briefly...

INT/EXT -- VARIOUS P.A. SPEAKERS -- DAY (1955)

...and the Mozart is suddenly broadcast all over the prison.

INT -- BATHROOM -- DAY (1955)

Wiley lunges to his feet, pants tangling around his ankles.

INT/EXT -- SHAWSHANK PRISON -- VARIOUS LOCATIONS -- DAY
(1955)

Cons all over the prison stop whatever they're doing,
freezing in mid-step to listen, gazing up at the speakers.

THE STAMPING MACHINES IN THE PLATE SHOP ARE SHUT DOWN...

THE LAUNDRY LINE GOES SILENT, GRINDING TO A HALT...

THE WOOD SHOP MACHINES ARE TURNED OFF, BUZZING TO A STOP...

THE MOTOR POOL...THE KITCHEN...THE LOADING DOCK...THE
EXERCISE

thru yard...the numbing routine of prison life itself...all
grinds thru

TO A STUTTERING HALT. NOBODY MOVES, NOBODY SPEAKS. EVERYBODY

just stands in place, listening to the MUSIC, hypnotized.

INT -- GUARD STATION -- DAY (1955)

Andy is reclined in the chair, transported, arms fluidly
conducting the music. Ecstasy and rapture. Shawshank no
longer exists. It has been banished from the mind of men.

EXT -- EXERCISE YARD -- DAY (1955)

CAMERA TRACKS along groups of men, all riveted.

RED (V.O.)
I have no idea to this day what
them two Italian ladies were
singin' about. Truth is, I don't
want to know. Some things are best
left unsaid.
(MORE)
67.

RED (V.O.) (CONT'D)
I like to think they were singin'
about something so beautiful it
can't be expressed in words, and
makes your heart ache because of
it.

CAMERA brings us to Red.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Andy receives a long-awaited donation for the library and broadcasts beautiful music throughout the prison.
Strengths "The scene has high emotional impact and showcases the beauty of music, bringing hope and joy to the prisoners. It also advances the plot by providing a ray of hope through the library project."
Weaknesses "The conflict level is relatively low, and the dialogue is not particularly memorable aside from the music itself."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and engaging. The screenwriter does a good job of building tension by introducing Hadley as angry and on a mission, and then revealing that Andy is the target of his anger. The use of the letter from the State Senate as a device to introduce the library project is also effective, as it gives a clear goal for Andy that is both relatable and sympathetic.

The scene also does a good job of using visual description to create a clear and vivid image of the environment. The littered floor of the guard desk/warden's outer office and the boxes of books and parcels convey the clutter and chaos of the environment without being overly descriptive.

The use of music as a tool for escape is also well-executed. The screenwriter does a good job of building up to the moment when Andy plays the record and broadcasts the music throughout the prison, which is an effective way of showing the impact of the music on the prisoners and the power it has to unify them.

One potential weakness of the scene is the lack of dialogue. While there are brief lines of dialogue from Hadley, Wiley, and Andy, the majority of the scene consists of visual description and action. While this is not necessarily a bad thing, some viewers may find the lack of dialogue to be off-putting or boring.

Overall, this scene is well-written and engaging, with strong visual description and effective use of tension and music.
Suggestions Overall, this scene is well-written and effective in its purpose. However, there are some suggestions that can be made in order to make it more impactful:

- Show more of Hadley's anger and frustration when confronting Andy. This will create more tension in the scene and establish the power dynamic between the two characters.
- Show a wider shot of the exercise yard before zooming in on Andy and Red. This will give a better sense of the scale of the prison and create a more immersive environment.
- Use sound to enhance the impact of the scene. For example, in the moment where Andy turns on the phonograph player, the sound of the needle hitting the vinyl and the music starting could be emphasized to create a stronger emotional response in the audience.
- Consider adding more dialogue or interactions between Andy and Red to develop their relationship further. This will make the audience more invested in their friendship and make the scene more emotional when Andy shares his news.
- Consider adding a voiceover from Andy during the Mozart broadcast, where he talks about the power of music and how it helps him escape from the harsh reality of prison. This will add more depth to his character and create a more powerful emotional response in the audience.



Scene 18 -  Hope Prevails
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
RED (V.O.)
I tell you, those voices soared.
Higher and farther than anybody in
a gray place dares to dream. It was
like some beautiful bird flapped
into our drab little cage and made
these walls dissolve away...and for
the briefest of moments -- every
last man at Shawshank felt free.

INT -- PRISON CORRIDOR -- DAY (1955)

FAST DOLLY with Norton striding up the hallway with Hadley.

RED (V.O.)
It pissed the warden off something
terrible.

INT -- GUARD STATION/OUTER OFFICE -- DAY (1955)

Norton and Hadley break the door in. Andy looks up with a
sublime smile. We hear Wiley POUNDING on the bathroom door:

WILEY (O.S.)
LET ME OUUUUT!

INT -- SOLITARY WING -- DAY (1955)

LOW ANGLE SLOW PUSH IN on the massive, rust-streaked steel
door. God, this is a terrible place to be.

RED (V.O.)
Andy got two weeks in the hole for
that little stunt.

INT -- SOLITARY CONFINEMENT -- DAY (1955)

Andy doesn't seem to mind. His arms sweep to the music still
playing in his head. We hear a FAINT ECHO of the soaring
duet.

INT -- MESS HALL -- DAY (1955)

HEYWOOD
Couldn't play somethin' good, huh?
Hank Williams?
68.


ANDY
They broke the door down before I
could take requests.

FLOYD
Was it worth two weeks in the hole?

ANDY
Easiest time I ever did.

HEYWOOD
Shit. No such thing as easy time in
the hole. A week seems like a year.

ANDY
I had Mr. Mozart to keep me
company. Hardly felt the time at
all.

RED
Oh, they let you tote that record
player down there, huh? I could'a
swore they confiscated that stuff.

ANDY
(taps his heart, his
head)
The music was here...and here.
That's the one thing they can't
confiscate, not ever. That's the
beauty of it. Haven't you ever felt
that way about music, Red?

RED
Played a mean harmonica as a
younger man. Lost my taste for it.
Didn't make much sense on the
inside.

ANDY
Here's where it makes most sense.
We need it so we don't forget.

RED
Forget?

ANDY
That there are things in this world
not carved out of gray stone. That
there's a small place inside of us
they can never lock away, and that
place is called hope.
69.


RED
Hope is a dangerous thing. Drive a
man insane. It's got no place here.
Better get used to the idea.

ANDY
(softly)
Like Brooks did?

FADE TO BLACK

AN IRON-BARRED DOOR

slides open with an enormous CLANG. A stark room beyond.
CAMERA PUSHES through. SEVEN HUMORLESS MEN sit at a long

table. An empty chair faces them. We are again in:

INT -- SHAWSHANK HEARINGS ROOM -- DAY (1957)

Red enters, ten years older than when we first saw him at a
parole hearing. He removes his cap and sits.

MAN #l It says here you've served thirty years of a life
sentence.

MAN #2
You feel you've been rehabilitated?

RED
Yes sir, without a doubt. I can say
I'm a changed man. No danger to
society, that's the God's honest
truth. Absolutely rehabilitated.

CLOSEUP -- PAROLE FORM

A big rubber stamp slams down: "REJECTED."

EXT -- PRISON YARD -- DUSK (1957)

Red emerges into fading daylight. Andy's waiting for him.

RED
Same old, same old. Thirty years.
Jesus. When you say it like that...

ANDY
You wonder where it went. I wonder
where ten years went.

Red nods, solemn. They settle in on the bleachers. Andy
pulls a small box from his sweater, hands it to Red.
70.


ANDY (CONT’D)
Anniversary gift. Open it.

Red does. Inside the box, on a thin layer of cotton, is a
shiny new harmonica, bright aluminum and circus-red.

ANDY (CONT’D)
Had to go through one of your
competitors. Hope you don't mind.
Wanted it to be a surprise.

RED
It's very pretty, Andy. Thank you.

ANDY
You gonna play something?

--
Red considers it, shakes his head.
Softly:

RED
Not today.

INT -- CELLBLOCK FIVE/ANDY'S CELL -- NIGHT (1957)

Men line the tiers as the evening count is completed. The
convicts step into their cells. The master switch is thrown
and all the doors slam shut -- KA-THUMP! Andy finds a
cardboard tube on his bunk. The note reads: "A new girl for
your 10 year anniversary. From your pal. Red."

INT -- ANDY'S CELL -- LATER (1957)

Marilyn Monroe's face fills the screen. SLOW PULL BACK
reveals the new poster: the famous shot from "The Seven Year
Itch," on the subway grate with skirt billowing up. Andy
sits gazing at her as lights-out commences...

INT -- RED'S CELL -- NIGHT (1957)

...and we find Red gazing blankly as darkness takes the
cellblock. Adding up the months, weeks, days...

He regards the harmonica like a man confronted with a
Martian artifact. He considers trying it out -- even holds
it briefly to his lips, almost embarrassed -- but puts it
back in its box untested. And there the harmonica will
stay...

FADE TO BLACK

WE HOLD IN BLACKNESS as THUMPING SOUNDS grow louder...
71.


RED (V.O.)
Andy was as good as his word. He
kept writing to the State Senate.
Two letters a week instead of one.

...and the BLACKNESS disintegrates as a wall tumbles before
our eyes, revealing a WORK CREW with picks and
sledgehammers, faces obscured outlaw-style with kerchiefs
against the dust. Behind them are GUARDS overseeing the
work.

Andy yanks his kerchief down, grinning in exhilaration. Red
and the others follow suit. They step through the hole in
the wall, exploring what used to be a sealed-off storage
room.
Genres: ["Prison drama"]

Summary Andy receives a gift for Red to mark his ten years in prison, while Red faces his parole hearing and is rejected. The two friends reminisce and look forward to the future, with Andy's lobbying efforts beginning to pay off.
Strengths "Great use of setting to emphasize the isolation and despair of prison life. Strong character development through the use of dialogue and actions. Memorable lines that underscore the theme of hope and perseverance. "
Weaknesses "Some dialogue feels slightly didactic and could be trimmed. The scene lacks a strong sense of conflict or high stakes."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively moves the plot forward while also providing insight into the characters and their motivations. The use of voiceover from Red adds an emotional depth and context to the scene, making it more than just a straightforward depiction of events.

The use of parallel editing between the different locations (the corridor, guard station, solitary wing, and mess hall) creates a sense of urgency and tension, especially with Wiley pounding on the bathroom door.

The dialogue between the characters is authentic and revealing of their personalities and experiences, particularly in the discussion of music and hope. The ending with the wall collapsing and the work crew exploring the sealed-off room is a strong visual cue of progress and possibility, leaving the audience excited for what's to come.

One potential critique could be the use of cliched prison tropes, such as the character stuck in solitary confinement and the parole hearing, but they are executed effectively and there is enough innovation in the storytelling to make these elements still feel fresh.

Overall, this scene is well-written and effective in accomplishing its goals of plot progression and character development.
Suggestions One suggestion to improve this scene would be to visually show the contrasting emotions of Red and Andy. While Andy appears to be in high spirits, enjoying the moment and gifting Red a harmonica, Red seems to be overcome with sadness and the passage of time. Using close-ups and reaction shots could help emphasize their differing emotions. Additionally, the scene could benefit from more visual details to enhance the environment and mood, such as close-ups on the rust-streaked steel door in the solitary wing and the dark cellblock at night. These details could help create a more immersive and emotionally resonant atmosphere for the audience.



Scene 19 -  Library Transformation and Corruption
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
RED (V.O.)
In 1959, the folks up Augusta way
finally clued in to the fact they
couldn't buy him off with just a
dollar check. Appropriations
Committee voted an annual payment
of dollars, just to shut him up.

INT -- PRISON LIBRARY -- DAY (1960)

TRACKING the construction. Walls have been knocked down. Men
are painting, plastering, hammering. Lots of shelves going
up. Red is head carpenter. We find him discussing plans with
Andy.

RED (V.O.)
Those checks came once a year like
clockwork.

INT -- PRISON LIBRARY -- DAY (1960)

Red and the boys are opening boxes, pulling out books.

RED (V.O.)
You'd be amazed how far Andy could
stretch it. He made deals with book
clubs, charity groups...he bought
remaindered books by the pound...

HEYWOOD
Treasure Island. Robert Louis...

ANDY
(jotting)
...Stevenson. Next?
72.


RED
I got here an auto repair manual,
and a book on soap carving.

ANDY
Trade skills and hobbies, those go
under educational. Stack right
behind you.

HEYWOOD
The Count of Monte Crisco...

FLOYD
Cristo, you dumbshit.

HEYWOOD
...by Alexandree Dumb-ass.

ANDY
Dumas. You boys'll like that one.
It's about a prison break.

Floyd tries to take the book. Heywood yanks it back. I saw
it first. Red shoots Andy a look.

RED
Maybe that should go under
educational too.

INT -- WOOD SHOP -- DAY (1961)

Red is making a sign, carefully routing letters into a long
plank of wood. It turns out to be --

INT -- PRISON LIBRARY -- DAY (1963)

-- the varnished wood sign over the archway: "Brooks Hatlen
Memorial Library." TILT DOWN to reveal the library in all
its completed glory: shelves lined with books, tables and
chairs, even a few potted plants. Heywood is wearing
headphones, listening to Hank Williams on the record player.

RED (V.O.)
By the year Kennedy was shot, Andy
had transformed a broom closet
smelling of turpentine into the
best prison library in New England.

EXT -- SHAWSHANK PRISON -- DAY (1963)

FLASHBULBS POP as Norton addresses MEMBERS OF THE PRESS:
73.


RED (V.O.)
That was also the year Warden
Norton instituted his famous
"Inside-Out" program. You may
remember reading about it. It made
all the papers and got his picture
in LIFE magazine.

NORTON
...a genuine, progressive advance
in corrections and rehabilitation.
Our inmates, properly supervised,
will be put to work outside these
walls performing all manner of
public service. Cutting pulpwood,
repairing bridges and causeways,
digging storm drains...

ANGLE TO Red and the boys listening from behind the fence.

NORTON (CONT’D)
These men can learn the value of an
honest day's labor while providing
a valuable service to the community
-- and at a bare minimum of expense
to Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Taxpayer!

HEYWOOD
Sounds like road-gangin', you ask
me.

RED
Nobody asked you.

EXT -- HIGHWAY CONSTRUCTION SITE -- DAY (1963)

A ROAD-GANG is grading a culvert with picks. There's dust
and the smell of sweat in the air. GUARDS patrol with sniper
rifles, A pushy WOMAN REPORTER in an ugly hat bustles up the
grade, trailed by a PHOTOGRAPHER.

WOMAN REPORTER
You there! You men! We're gonna
take your picture now!

HEYWOOD
Give us a break, lady.

WOMAN REPORTER
Don't you know who I am? I'm from
LIFE magazine! I was told I'd get
some co-operation out here! You
want me to report you to your
warden? Is that what you want?
74.


HEYWOOD
(sighs)
No, ma'am.

WOMAN REPORTER
That's more like it! Now I want you
all in a row with big bright smiles
on your faces! Grab hold of your
tools and show 'em to me!

She turns, motioning her photographer up the grade. Heywood
glances around at the other men.

HEYWOOD
You heard the lady.

Heywood unzips his pants, reaches inside. The others do
likewise. The woman turns back and is greeted by the sight
of a dozen men displaying their penises and smiling
brightly. Her legs go wobbly and she sits heavily down on
the dirt grade.

HEYWOOD (CONT’D)
C'mon! We're showin' our tools and
grinnin' like fools! Take the damn
picture!

INT -- SOLITARY CONFINZMENT -- NIGHT (1963)

Heywood sits alone in the dark. He sighs.

RED (V.O.)
None of the inmates were invited to
express their views...

EXT -- WOODED FIELDS -- DAY (1965)

A ROAD-GANG is pulling stumps, bogged down in mud.

RED (V.O.)
'Course, Norton failed to mention
to the press that "bare minimum of
expense" is a fairly loose term.
There are a hundred different ways
to skim off the top. Men,
materials, you name it. And, oh my
Lord, how the money rolled in...

Norton strolls into view with NED GRIMES at his heels.

NED
This keeps up, you're gonna put me
out of business!
(MORE)
75.

NED (CONT'D)
With this pool of slave labor you
got, you can underbid any
contractor in town.

NORTON
Ned, we're providing a valuable
community service.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Andy transforms a broom closet into the best prison library in New England, while Norton institutes the corrupt 'Inside-Out' program and profits off of it.
Strengths "The transformation of the library is handled in a clear and efficient way, and the corruption of the Inside-Out program is effectively depicted."
Weaknesses "There are some small pacing issues, and the scene's focus jumps around too much."
Critique Overall, this scene seems well-written and engaging. The use of voiceover narration helps to effectively guide us through the passage of time and the changes occurring in the prison library. The dialogue is mostly natural and believable, and there are moments of humor that provide some levity in an otherwise serious environment.

One small critique is the brief scene with the woman reporter, which feels a bit contrived and overly comedic. While it may be attempting to show the disregard and disrespect the prisoners face from those outside the prison walls, the display of nudity feels unnecessary and out-of-place in a film that is otherwise relatively tasteful. Additionally, the dialogue in this brief scene feels a bit too on-the-nose and stereotypical.

Overall, though, this scene is well-executed and helps to build the tension and stakes of the story.
Suggestions Some suggestions for improving this scene are:

1. Show, don't tell: The scene opens with a voiceover by Red, which can make it feel like he's simply narrating what's happening instead of actually experiencing it. Instead, try to show the audience what's happening and let the characters' actions and dialogue speak for themselves.

2. Add more conflict and stakes: The scene currently lacks a sense of urgency or conflict. Try to raise the stakes by introducing obstacles or challenges that the characters must overcome to achieve their goals.

3. Develop character relationships: The scene features Red and Andy discussing plans, but it doesn't delve deeper into their relationship or dynamics. Try to add more depth to their interactions and explore their motivations and emotions.

4. Use visual storytelling: The scene relies heavily on dialogue and voiceover, which can be less engaging for the audience. Try to incorporate more visual storytelling techniques, such as showing the characters' actions or expressions, to make the scene more dynamic and engaging.

5. Cut unnecessary elements: The scene jumps around between different locations and time periods, which can make it feel disjointed or confusing. Try to streamline the scene and focus on the most important elements that drive the story forward.



Scene 20 -  Money and Power
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
NED
That's fine for the papers, but I
got a family to feed. The State
don't pay my salary. Sam, we go
back a long way. I need this new
highway contract. I don't get it, I
go under. That's a fact.
(hands him a box)
Now you just have some'a this fine
pie my missus baked specially for
you, and you think about that.

Norton opens the box. Alongside the pie is an envelope. He
runs his thumb across the thick stack of cash it contains.

IN THE BACKGROUND, a winch cable SNAPS and whips through the
air, damn near severing a man's leg. He goes down, screaming
in mud and blood, pinned by a fallen tree stump. Men rush
over to help him. Norton barely takes notice.

NORTON
Ned, I wouldn't worry too much over
this contract. Seems to me I've
already got my boys committed
elsewhere. You be sure and thank
Maisie for this fine pie.

INT -- NORTON'S OFFICE -- NIGHT (1965)

ANGLE on Maisie's pie. Several pieces gone.

RED (V.O.)
And behind every shady deal, behind
every dollar earned...

TILT UP to Andy at the desk, munching thoughtfully as he
totals up figures on an adding machine.

RED (V.O.)
...there was Andy, keeping the
books.

Andy finishes preparing two bank deposits. Norton hovers
near the desk, keeping a watchful eye.
76.


ANDY
Two deposits, Casco Bank and New
England First. Night drop, like
always.

Norton pockets the envelopes. Andy crosses to the wall safe
and shoves the ledger and sundry files inside. Norton locks
the safe, swings his wife's framed sampler back into place.
He cocks his thumb at some laundry and two suits in the
corner.

NORTON
Get my stuff down t'laundry. Two
suits for dry-clean and a bag of
whatnot. Tell 'em if they over-
starch my shirts again, they're
gonna hear about it from me.
(adjusts his tie)
How do I look?

ANDY
Very nice.

NORTON
Big charity to-do up Portland way.
Governor's gonna be there.
(indicates pie)
Want the rest of that? Woman can't
bake worth shit.

INT -- PRISON CORRIDOR -- NIGHT (1965)

Andy trudges down the corridor with Norton's laundry, the
pie box under his arm.

INT -- LIBRARY -- DAY (1965)

TILT UP FROM PIE to find Red munching away as he helps Andy
sort books on the shelves.

RED
Got his fingers in a lot of pies,
from what I hear.

ANDY
What you hear isn't half of it.
He's got scams you haven't dreamed
of. Kickbacks on his kickbacks.
There's a river of dirty money
flowing through this place.
77.


RED
Money like that can be a problem.
Sooner or later you gotta explain
where it came from.

ANDY
That's where I come in. I channel
it, funnel it, filter it...stocks,
securities, tax free municipals...
I send that money out into the big
world. And when it comes back...

RED
It's clean as a virgin's whistle?

ANDY
Cleaner. By the time Norton
retires, I will have made him a
millionaire.

RED
Jesus. They ever catch on, he's
gonna wind up wearing a number
himself.

ANDY
(smiles)
I thought you had more faith in me
than that.

RED
I'm sure you're good, but all that
paper leaves a trail. Anybody gets
too curious -- FBI, IRS, whatever --
that trail's gonna lead to
somebody.

ANDY
Sure it will. But not to me, and
certainly not to the warden.

RED
Who then?

ANDY
Peter Stevens.

RED
Who?

ANDY
The silent, silent partner. He's
the guilty one, your Honor. The man
with the bank accounts.
(MORE)
78.

ANDY (CONT'D)
That's where the filtering process
starts. They trace it back, all
they're gonna find is him.

RED
Yeah, okay, but who the hell is he?

ANDY
A phantom. An apparition. Second
cousin to Harvey the Rabbit.
(off Red's look)
I conjured him out of thin air. He
doesn't exist...except on paper.

RED
You can't just make a person up.

ANDY
Sure you can, if you know how the
system works, and where the cracks
are. It's amazing what you can
accomplish by mail. Mr. Stevens has
a birth certificate, social
security card, driver's license.
They ever track those accounts,
they'll wind up chasing a figment
of my imagination.

RED
Jesus. Did I say you were good?
You're Rembrandt.

ANDY
It's funny. On the outside, I was
an honest man. Straight as an
arrow. I had to come to prison to
be a crook.

EXT -- PRISON YARD -- DUSK (1965)

RED
Does it ever bother you?

ANDY
I don't run the scams, Red, I just
process the profits. That's a fine
line, maybe. But I've also built
that library, and used it to help a
dozen guys get their high school
diplomas. Why do you think the
warden lets me do all that?
79.


RED
To keep you happy and doing the
laundry. Money instead of sheets.

ANDY
I work cheap. That's the trade-off.

TWO SIREN BLASTS draw their attention to the main gate. It
swings open, revealing a prison bus waiting outside.

INT -- PRISON BUS -- DUSK (1965)

Among those on board is TOMMY WILLIAMS, a damn good-looking
kid in his mid-20's. The bus RUMBLES through the gate.

EXT -- PRISON YARD -- DUSK (1965)

The new fish disembark, chained together single-file. The
old- timers holler and shake the fence. A deafening
gauntlet.
Genres: ["drama"]

Summary Andy helps Norton launder his dirty money while Red looks on. They discuss Norton's shady deals and the risks involved. Meanwhile, a new inmate, Tommy Williams, arrives at the prison.
Strengths "The tension between the characters and the risks they are taking builds suspense. The new character adds another layer of intrigue to the story."
Weaknesses "This scene lacks major plot developments and emotional impact. The focus on money laundering and criminal activity may not be appealing to all viewers."
Critique Overall, this scene does a good job of establishing the corrupt nature of the prison system and the characters involved. The dialogue between Ned and Norton sets up the power dynamic and the use of bribes to secure contracts. However, the inclusion of the winch cable snapping and the man getting injured feels somewhat disconnected from the rest of the scene and could be better integrated.

The exposition between Red and Andy in the library feels necessary but could be tightened up to better convey the information without interrupting the flow of the scene. Additionally, the dialogue feels a bit on-the-nose at times, particularly when Andy explains his process for cleaning the dirty money.

Overall, I would give this scene a B+. It effectively sets up the characters and their motivations, but could benefit from some tightening up and more seamless integration of the different elements.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Develop the characters: Ned and Norton's characters are not well-developed in this scene. Try to give them more personality and backstory so that the audience can better understand their motivations and actions.

2. Increase tension: While the winch cable snapping is an interesting moment, it feels disconnected from the rest of the scene. Try to find ways to create more tension and connection between the various elements in the scene.

3. Create more visual interest: Right now, the scene relies heavily on dialogue. Try to find ways to create more visual interest, such as adding physical actions or gestures that reveal character or advance the story.

4. Consider the overall pacing: This scene feels like it could benefit from some editing, particularly in the dialogue. Try to tighten up the conversation and make sure that every line of dialogue reveals something important about the characters or the story.

5. Think about the larger context: This scene is part of a larger movie script, so it's important to think about how it fits into the overall story. How does this scene advance the plot or reveal something important about the characters? Make sure that it is serving a larger purpose within the film.



Scene 21 -  Tommy starts a new chapter
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
INT -- CELLBLOCK EIGHT -- NIGHT (1965)

Tommy and the others are marched in naked and shivering,
covered with delousing powder, greeted by TAUNTS and JEERS.

INT -- TOMMY'S CELL -- NIGHT (1965)

The bars slam with a STEEL CLANG. Tommy and his new CELLMATE
take in their new surroundings.

TOMMY
Well. Ain't this for shit?

INT -- PRISON CORRIDOR -- DAY (1965)

DOLLYING Tommy as he struts along, combing his ducktail,
cigarette behind his ear. (We definitely need The Coasters
or Del Vikings on the soundtrack here. Maybe Jerry Lee
Lewis.)

RED (V.O.)
Tommy Williams came to Shawshank in
on a two year stretch for B&E. Cops
caught him sneakin' TV sets out the
back door of a JC Penney.

INT -- WOOD SHOP -- DAY (1965)

A SHRIEKING BUZZSAW slices ten-foot lengths of wood. Red
runs the machine while some other OLD-TIMERS feed the wood.
80.


RED (V.O.)
Young punk, Mr. Rock n' Roll, cocky
as hell...

Tommy is hauling the cut wood off the conveyor and stacking
it, It's a ball-busting job, but the kid's a blur.

TOMMY
(slapping his gloves)
C'mon there, old boys! Movin' like
molasses! Makin' me look bad!

The old guys just grin and shake their heads.

RED (V.O.)
We liked him immediately.

INT -- MESS HALL -- DAY (1965)

Tommy regales the old boys with his exploits:

TOMMY
...so I'm backin' out the door,
right? Had the TV like this...
(mimes his grip)
Big ol' thing. Couldn't see shit.
Suddenly, here's this voice: Freeze
kid! Hands in the air! Well I just
stand there holdin' on to that TV,
so the voice says: "You hear what I
said, boy?" And I say, Yes sir, I
sure did! But if I drop this
fuckin' thing, you got me on
destruction of property too!

The whole table falls about laughing.

INT -- LIBRARY -- DAY (1965)

Poker game in progress. Tommy, Andy, Red and the boys.

HEYWOOD
You did a stretch in Cashman too?

TOMMY
Yeah. That was an easy ride, let me
tell you. Work programs, weekend
furloughs. Not like here.

SNOOZE
Sounds like you done time all over
New England.
81.


TOMNY
Been in and out since I was 13.
Name the place, chances are I been
there.

ANDY
Perhaps it's time you considered a
new profession.
(the game stalls)
What I mean is, you don't seem to
be a very good thief. Maybe you
should try something else.

TOMMY
What the hell you know about it,
Capone? What are you in for?

ANDY
(wry glance to Red)
Everyone's innocent in here. Don't
you know that?

The tension breaks. Everyone laughs.

INT -- VISITOR'S ROOM -- DAY (1965)

CAMERA TRAVELS the room. Chaotic. CONS are waiting their
turn or talking to visitors through a thick plexi shield.

RED (V.O.)
As it turns out, Tommy had himself
a young wife and new baby girl...

Tommy's at the end of the row, phone to his ear. Other side
of the glass is BETH, near tears, fussing with a BABY on her
lap.

BETH
...said we can stay with them, but
Joey's gettin' out of the service
next month, and they barely got
enough room as it is. Plus they got
Poppa workin' double shifts and the
baby cries half the night. I just
don't know where we're gonna go...

PUSH IN on Tommy's face as he listens.

RED (V.O.)
Maybe it was the thought of them on

the streets...or his child growing up not knowing her
daddy...
82.


INT -- LIBRARY -- DAY (1965)

Tommy enters, the strut gone from his step. A little scared.
He finds Andy filing library cards.

RED (V.O.)
Whatever it was, something lit a
fire under that boy's ass.

TOMMY
I'm thinkin' maybe I should try for
high school equivalency. Hear you
helped some fellas with that.

ANDY
I don't waste time on losers,
Tommy.

TOMNY
(tight)
I ain't no goddamn loser.

ANDY
That's a good start. If we do this,
we do it all the way. One hundred
percent. Nothing half-assed.

Tommy thinks about it, nods.

TOMMY
Thing is, see...
(leans in, mutters)
...I don't read all that good.

ANDY
(smiles)
Well. You've come to the right
place then.

INT -- LIBRARY -- DAY (1965)

We find Andy giving an impassioned reading:

ANDY
...and the lamplight o'er him
streaming throws his shadow on the
floor...and my soul from out that
shadow that lies floating on the
floor, shall be lifted nevermore! "

Andy slaps the book shut, immensely pleased with himself.
83.


TOMMY
So this raven just sits there and
won't go away?

ANDY
That's right.

TOMMY
(beat)
Why don't that fella get hisself a
and dust the fucker?

INT -- LIBRARY -- DAY (1965)

Tommy tries to read as Andy looks on:

TOMMY
The cat sh--The cat shh...
(glances up)
The cat shat on the welcome mat?

Andy shakes his head. Not exactly.

INT -- LIBRARY -- DAY (1965)

Andy chalks the alphabet on a blackboard.

RED (V.O.)
So Andy took Tommy under his wing.
Started walking him through his
ABCs...

INT -- MESS HALL -- DAY (1965)

TRACK the table to Tommy and Andy. Discussing a book.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Tommy arrives at Shawshank, meets the old-timers, works in the wood shop, tells jokes in the mess hall, worries about his family. Andy takes to him and helps him learn how to read.
Strengths "The banter between Tommy and the old-timers is humorous, and Andy's mentorship of Tommy provides a glimmer of hope amidst the bleak prison environment."
Weaknesses "The scene primarily serves to establish Tommy as a new character and provide background on his arrival at Shawshank, so it doesn't have as much plot development or high stakes as other scenes."
Critique Overall, this is a well-written scene with clear action, dialogue, and descriptions. The scene sets up the environment of a prison setting with the taunts, jeers, and nakedness of the inmates. The character of Tommy is introduced and his cocky, rebellious nature is quickly established through his demeanor, actions, and storytelling. The dialogue flows naturally and gives the audience insight into the character's personalities and backgrounds. The only critique would be the lack of a clear goal or objective for the scene, as it moves from one location to another without a clear overarching purpose. However, this may be intentional as it is establishing the routine and daily life of the prisoners. Overall, the scene is engaging and well-crafted.
Suggestions Here are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. Add more sensory details to the opening scene in the cellblock to fully immerse the audience in the experience of being deloused and taunted by other inmates. Think about the sounds of the taunts and jeers, the feel of the powder and the cold air, and the smells of the cellblock.

2. Consider adding more conflict or tension between Tommy and his new cellmate to make the scene more engaging and dynamic. Perhaps they have different personalities or conflicting goals for their time in prison.

3. Consider adding more context or backstory to Tommy's criminal history and his motivations for wanting to earn his high school equivalency. This can help the audience understand and empathize with his character more.

4. Consider adding more visual details to the scenes in the wood shop and library to fully immerse the audience in these environments. For example, describe the tools and machinery in the wood shop and the rows of books in the library.

5. Consider adding more conflict or tension to the scenes in the mess hall and visitor's room. Perhaps there is a disagreement or argument between Tommy and other inmates, or perhaps his wife and child face more challenges that increase the stakes for Tommy.

Overall, the goal is to make each scene more immersive and engaging for the audience and to further develop the character of Tommy and his relationships with other inmates.



Scene 22 -  Tommy's Exam
  • Overall: 7.0
  • Concept: 6
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
RED (V.O.)
Tommy took to it pretty well, too.
Boy found brains he never knew he
had.

EXT -- EXERCISE YARD BLEACHERS -- DAY (1965)

TOMNY
The cat sh--shh--shimmied up the
tree and crept st--stel--stealthily
out on the limb...

INT -- WOOD SHOP -- DAY (1965)

Tommy intent on a paperback, mouthing the words. Behind him,
wood is piling up on the conveyor belt.
84.


RED (V.O.)
After a while, you couldn't pry
those books out of hands.

RED
Ass in gear, son! You're putting us
behind!

Tommy shoves the book in his back pocket and hurries over.

INT -- LIBRARY -- DAY (1965)

Tommy writes a sentence on the blackboard. Andy steps in,
shows him how to reconstruct it.

RED (V.O.)
Before long, Andy started him on
his course requirements. He really
liked the kid, that was part of it.
Gave him a thrill to help a
youngster crawl off the shitheap.
But that wasn't the only reason...

INT -- ANDY'S CELL -- NIGHT (1966)

TIGHT ANGLE on chessboard. Most of the pieces complete. PAN
TO Andy lying in his bunk, carefully polishing...

RED (V.O.)
Prison time is slow time. Sometimes
it feels like stop-time. So you do
what you can to keep going...

...and we keep going past Andy in a SLOW PAN of the cell.
Sink. Toilet. Books. Outside the window bars, we hear
another TRAIN passing in the night...

RED (V.O.)
Some fellas collect stamps. Others
build matchstick houses. Andy built
a library. Now he needed a new
project. Tommy was it. It was the
same reason he spent years shaping
and polishing those rocks. The same
reason he hung his fantasy girlies
on the wall...

...STILL PANNING, past a chair, a sweater on a hook...and
finally to the place of honor on the wall...

RED (V.O.)
In prison, a man'll do most
anything to keep his mind occupied.
85.


...where the latest poster turns out to be Racquel Welch ins
fur bikini. Gorgeous. "One Million Years, B. C. " SLOW PUSH
IN,

RED (V.O.)
By 1966...right about the time
Tommy was getting ready to take his
exams...it was lovely Racquel.

INT -- LIBRARY -- DAY (1966)

Tommy's taking the big test. Andy's monitoring the time.
Deep silence, save for Tommy's pencil-scribbling. A few old-
timers are browsing the shelves, sneaking looks their way.
Tommy tries to ignore them. Concentrate.

Andy clears his throat. Time's up. Tommy puts his pencil
down,

ANDY
Well?

TOMMY
Well. It's for shit.
(gets up in disgust)
Wasted a whole fuckin' year of my
time with this bullshit!

ANDY
May not be as bad as you think.

TOMMY
It's worse! I didn't get a fuckin'
thing right! Might as well be in
Chinese!

ANDY
We'll see how the score comes out.

TOMMY
I'll tell you how the goddamn score
comes out...

Tommy grabs the test, wads it, slam-dunks it into the trash.

TOMMY (CONT’D)
Two points! Right there! There's
your goddamn score!
(storms out)
Goddamn cats crawlin' up trees, 5
times 5 is 25, fuck this place,
fuck it!
86.


Tommy is gone. Red and others stare. Andy gets up, pulls the
test from the trash, smoothes it out on the desk.

INT -- WOOD SHOP -- DAY (1966)

Rest break. Tommy and Red sipping Cokes.

TOMMY
I feel bad. I let him down.

RED
That's crap, son. He's proud of
you. Proud as a hen.
(off Tommy's look)
We been friends a long time. I know
him as good as anybody.

TOMMY
Smart fella, ain't he?

RED
Smart as they come. Used to be a
banker on the outside.

TOMMY
What's he in for anyway?

RED
Murder.

TOMMY
The hell you say.

RED
You wouldn't think, lookin' at him.
Caught his wife in bed with some
golf pro. Greased 'em both. C'mon,
boy, back to work...

SMASH! Red turns back. Tommy's Coke has slipped from his
hand and shattered on the floor. The kid's gone white as a
sheet.

TOMMY
(bare whisper)
Oh my God...

INT -- LIBRARY -- DAY (1966)

Tommy sits before Andy and Red:

TOMMY
'Bout four years ago, I was in
Thomaston on a 2 to 3 stretch.
(MORE)
87.

TOMMY (CONT'D)
Stole a car. Dumbfuck thing to do.
(beat)
Few months left to go, I get a new
cellmate in. Elmo Blatch. Big
twitchy fucker. Crazy eyes. Kind of
roomie you pray you don't get, know
what I'm sayin'? 6 to 12 for armed
burglary. Said he done hundreds of
jobs. Hard to believe, high-strung
as he was. Cut a loud fart, he'd go
three feet in the air. Talked all
the time, too, that's the other
thing. Never shut up. Places he'd
been, jobs he pulled, women he
fucked. Even people he killed.
People that gave him shit, that's
how he put it. One night, like a
joke, I say: "Yeah? Who'd you
kill?" So he says...
Genres: ["Prison drama"]

Summary Tommy fails his course exam and gets frustrated with studying. Andy helps him out with his studies and works to keep himself busy while in prison. Tommy later reveals to Andy and Red that he was cellmates with a prisoner named Elmo Blatch who he believes was responsible for the murder Andy was imprisoned for.
Strengths "Provides more insight into Andy's character and his past crime. Allows for character development with Tommy and his relationship with Andy and Red."
Weaknesses "Does not contribute significantly to the overall plot."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would say that this scene is well written. The dialogue is natural and flows smoothly, and the pacing of the scene is appropriate for the story. The use of voice-over narration by Red adds layers of meaning and depth to the scene and helps to set the tone for the rest of the film.

The use of the three different locations (exercise yard, woodshop, and library) helps to break up the scene visually and keeps the audience engaged. The description of Andy's library and his obsession with building it is also a nice touch that adds some characterization to his role in the story.

Finally, the reveal at the end of the scene where Tommy describes his former cell mate, adds an unexpected twist that hooks the audience and makes them want to learn more about the characters and their pasts. Overall, this scene is a strong example of effective screenwriting.
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, my suggestions to improve this scene would be:

1. Clearer character introductions: The scene introduces two new characters, Tommy and Andy, without any clear indication of who they are and what they do. Adding a sentence or two about their role in the story and their relationship with the other characters would help the audience understand their significance.

2. Tightening up dialogue: Some of the dialogue in the scene feels repetitive and doesn't add much to the story. Trimming down unnecessary lines and making the remaining dialogue more impactful would make the scene more engaging.

3. Adding visual elements: The scene relies heavily on voiceover narration to move the story forward, which can be repetitive. Adding more visually interesting elements, such as shots of Tommy taking the test or Andy's chessboard, would make the scene more dynamic and engaging.

4. Clarifying the stakes: While the scene introduces some tension with Tommy's test results and his reaction to them, it's unclear why this matters in the wider context of the story. Adding more information about what's at stake for Tommy and the other characters would give the scene more emotional weight.



Scene 23 -  Blatch
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 10
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
BLATCH
...I got me this job one time
bussin' tables at a country club.
So I could case all the big rich
pricks that come in. I pick out
this guy, go in one night and do
his place. He wakes up and gives me
shit. So I killed him. Him and the
tasty bitch he was with.
(starts laughing)
That's the best part! She's fuckin'
this prick, see, this golf pro, but
she's married to some other guy!
Some hotshot banker. He's the one
they pinned it on! They got him
down-Maine somewhere doin' time for
the crime! Ain't that choice?

He throws his head back and ROARS with laughter.

INT -- PRISON LIBRARY -- DAY (1966)

Silence. Tommy has finished his story. Red is stunned...but
Andy looks like he's been smacked with a two by four.

RED
Andy?

Andy says nothing. Walks stiffly away. Doesn't look back.
88.


INT -- NORTON'S OFFICE -- DAY (1966)

NORTON
Well. I have to say, that's the
most amazing story I ever heard.
What amazes me most is you were
taken in by it.

ANDY
Sir?

NORTON
It's obvious this fellow Williams
is impressed with you. He hears
your tale of woe and quite
naturally wants to cheer you up.
He's young, not terribly bright.
Not surprising he didn't know what
a state he'd put you in.

ANDY
I think he's telling the truth.

NORTON
Let's say for a moment Blatch does
exist. You think he'd just fall to
his knees and cry, "Yes, I did it!
I confess! By all means, please add
a life term to my sentence!"

ANDY
It wouldn't matter. With Tommy's
testimony, I can get a new trial.

NORTON
That's assuming Blatch is even
still there. Chances are excellent
he'd be released by now. Excellent.

ANDY
They'd have his last known address.
Names of relatives...
(Norton shakes his head)
Well it's a chance. isn't it? How
can you be so obtuse?

NORTON
What? What did you call me?

ANDY
Obtuse! Is it deliberate? The
country club will have his old time
cards! W-2s with his name on them!
89.


NORTON
(rises)
Dufresne, if you want to indulge
this fantasy, that's your business.
Don't make it mine. This meeting's
over.

ANDY
Look, if it's the squeeze, don't
worry. I'd never say what goes on
in here. I'd be just as indictable
as you for laundering the money!

NORTON
Don't you ever mention money to me
again, you sorry son of a bitch!
Not in this office, not anywhere!
(slaps intercom)
Get in here! Now!

ANDY
I was just trying to rest your mind
at ease, that's all.

NORTON
(as GUARDS enter)
Solitary! A month!

Andy gets dragged away, kicking and screaming:

ANDY
What's the matter with you? It's my
chance to get out, don't you see
that? It's my life! Don't you
understand it's my life?

EXT -- PRISON YARD -- DAY (1966)

Mail call. Men crowd around as names are called out. Red and
the boys are parked on the bleachers.

FLOYD
A month in the hole. Longest damn
stretch I ever heard of.

TOMMY
It's my fault.

RED
Like hell. You didn't pull the
trigger, and you didn't convict
him.
90.


HEYWOOD
Red? You saying Andy's innocent? I
mean for real innocent?
(Red nods)
Sweet Jesus. How long's he been in
here?

RED
Since '47. Going on nineteen years.

MAIL CALLER
Thomas Williams!

Tommy raises his hand. The envelope gets tossed to him. He
stares at it. Red peers over his shoulder.

RED
Board of Education.

TOMMY
The son of a bitch mailed it.

RED
Looks that way. You gonna open it
or stick your thumb up your butt?

TOMMY
Thumb up my butt sounds better.

He gets hemmed in by the older men. Red snatches the letter.

TOMMY (CONT’D)
C'mon, just throw it away. Will you
please? Just throw it away?

Red rips it open, scans the letter. Expressionless.

RED
Well, shit.

INT -- VISITOR'S ROOM -- DAY (1966)

Tommy makes his way through the chaos, finds Beth and the
baby waiting behind the thick plexi shield. He sits, doesn't
pick up the phone. Just stares at Beth. She doesn't know
what to make of it.

He presses a piece of paper against the glass. A high school
diploma. Her face lights up, blinking back tears.
91.


INT -- SOLITARY WING -- NIGHT (1966)

LOW ANGLE on steel door. Somewhere behind it, unseen, is
Andy, A rat scurries along the wall. FOOTSTEPS approach
slowly.

INT -- SOLITARY -- NIGHT (1966)

Andy listens in darkness. The FOOTSTEPS pause outside his
door. The slot opens. An ELDERLY GUARD peers in.

ELDERLY GUARD
Kid passed. C-plus average. Thought
you'd like to know.

The slot closes. The FOOTSTEPS recede. Andy smiles.

INT -- PRISON CORRIDOR -- NIGHT (1966)

We find Tommy on evening work detail, mopping the floors
with bucket and pail. Mert Entwhistle comes into view.

MERT
Warden wants to talk.

EXT -- PRISON -- NIGHT (1966)

A steel door rattles open. Mert leads Tommy outside to a
gate, unlocks it. Tommy looks around.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Tommy reveals to Andy and Red that he was cellmates with a prisoner named Elmo Blatch who he believes was responsible for the murder Andy was imprisoned for.
Strengths "Powerful scene that builds tension, reveals new information, and creates a sense of hope for redemption for some characters. Dialogue is well crafted and conveys the characters' motivations and conflicts."
Weaknesses "The scene does not have much physical action and may feel slow to some viewers. The dialogue-heavy nature may also be a turn-off for some."
Critique I cannot critique this scene as it is already a part of a finished screenplay, "The Shawshank Redemption", which has been critically acclaimed and is considered a masterpiece in the world of cinema. However, I can comment on the dialogue and its impact on the story. The above scene reveals the nature of Andy's wrongful imprisonment based on the story Tommy tells Red and Andy. The shocking story of a man who killed a couple and pinned the crime on someone else shows how easily justice can be miscarried. The dialogue reveals Andy's hopelessness in the face of the corrupt system, but also how he refuses to give up in the face of adversity and pushes forward to prove his innocence. Overall, the screenplay beautifully and masterfully presents the characters and their struggles to the audience.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well-written and engaging, but there are a few areas that could be improved upon. Here are some suggestions:

1. Add more tension and suspense to Blatch's story. Although the story is shocking, it's not particularly suspenseful. Consider adding more details or a twist that keeps the audience on edge.

2. Show more of Andy's reaction to the story. At the end of the scene, he simply walks away without saying anything. This seems out of character for a man who has been fighting for his freedom for 19 years. Perhaps show him struggling to process the information or having a physical reaction to the story.

3. Give Norton more depth. In this scene, he seems like a one-dimensional villain who is only interested in covering his own tracks. Consider adding more nuance to his character, such as a personal motivation for keeping Andy locked up or a moment of hesitation before ordering him to solitary confinement.

4. Use more visual language. Screenwriting is a visual medium, so it's important to describe the scenes in a way that the audience can easily imagine. For example, instead of saying "Men crowd around as names are called out," describe the chaos and noise of the prison yard during mail call.

5. Cut unnecessary dialogue. Some of the lines in this scene feel redundant or obvious. For example, when Tommy says "Thumb up my butt sounds better," it doesn't add anything to the scene and could be cut without affecting the story. Always ask yourself if each line of dialogue is necessary and advances the plot or reveals something about the character.



Scene 24 -  Tommy's Death
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
TOMMY
Out here?

MERT
That's what the man said.

Mert swings the gate open, sends Tommy through, turns and
heads back inside. Tommy proceeds out across a loading-dock
access for the shops and mills. Some vehicles parked. The
place is deserted. He stops, sensing a presence.

TOMMY
Warden?

Norton steps into the light.

NORTON
Tommy, we've got a situation here.
I think you can appreciate that.

TOMMY
Yes sir, I sure can.
92.


NORTON
I tell you, son, this really came
along and knocked my wind out. It's
got me up nights, that's the truth.

Norton pulls a pack of cigarettes, offers Tommy a smoke.
Tommy takes one. Norton lights both cigarettes, pockets his
lighter.

NORTON (CONT’D)
The right decision. Sometimes it's
hard to figure out what that is.
You understand?
(Tommy nods)
Think hard, Tommy. If I'm gonna
move on this, there can't be the
least little shred of doubt. I have
to know if you what you told
Dufresne was the truth.

TOMMY
Yes sir. Absolutely.

NORTON
Would you be willing to swear
before a judge and jury...having
placed your hand on the Good Book
and taken an oath before Almighty
God Himself?

TOMMY
Just gimme that chance.

NORTON
That's what I thought.

Norton drops his cigarette. Crushes it out with the toe of
his shoe. Glances up toward the plate shop roof as --

HIGH ANGLE FROM PLATE SHOP ROOF (SNIPER POV)

-- a rifle scope pops up into frame, jumping Tommy's image
into startling magnification, framed in the crosshairs.

THE SNIPER

rapid-fires a carbine -- BLAM!BLAM!BLAM!BLAM! -- his face
lit up by the muzzle flashes. Captain Hadley.

TOMMY 201

gets chewed to pieces by the gunfire. He smacks the ground
in a twitching, thrashing heap. Eyes wide and staring. Dead.
93.


Surprise still stamped on his face. Silence now. Norton
turns, strolls into darkness.

INT -- SOLITARY WING -- DAY (1966)

GUARDS approach Andy's cell. The door is unlocked. Andy
emerges slowly, blinking painfully at the light.

INT/EXT -- PRISON -- DAY (1966)

Andy is marched along. Convicts stop to stare.

INT -- NORTON'S OFFICE -- DAY (1966)

Andy is led in. The door is closed. Alone with Norton.
Softly,

NORTON
Terrible thing. Man that young,
less than a year to go, trying to
escape. Broke Captain Hadley's
heart to shoot him, truly it did.

ANDY
I'm done. It stops right now. Get
H&R Block to declare your income.

Norton lunges to his feet, eyes sparkling with rage.

NORTON
Nothing stops! NOTHING!
(tight)
Or you will do the hardest time
there is. No more protection from
the guards. I'll pull you out of
that one-bunk Hilton and put you in
with the biggest bull queer I can
find. You'll think you got fucked
by a train! And the library? Gone!
Sealed off brick by brick! We'll
have us a little book-barbecue in
the yard! They'll see the flames
for miles! We'll dance around it
like wild Indians! Do you
understand me? Are you catching my
drift?

SLOW PUSH IN on Andy's face. Eyes hollow. His beaten
expression says it all...

EXT -- PRISON YARD -- DAY (1966)

Red finds Andy sitting in the shadow of the high stone wall,
poking listlessly through the dust for small pebbles.
94.


Red waits for some acknowledgment. Andy doesn't even look
up. Red hunkers down and joins him. Nothing is said for the
longest time. And then, softly:

ANDY
My wife used to say I'm a hard man
to know. Like a closed book.
Complained about it all the time.
(pause)
She was beautiful. I loved her. But
I guess I couldn't show it enough.
(softly)
I killed her, Red.

Andy finally glances to Red, seeking a reaction. Silence.

ANDY (CONT’D)
I didn't pull the trigger. But I
drove her away. That's why she
died. Because of me, the way I am.

RED
That don't make you a murderer. Bad
husband, maybe.

Andy smiles faintly in spite of himself. Red gives his

shoulder a squeeze.

RED (CONT’D)
Feel bad about it if you want. But
you didn't pull the trigger.

ANDY
No. I didn't. Someone else did, and
I wound up here. Bad luck, I guess.

RED
Bad luck? Jesus.

ANDY
It floats around. Has to land on
somebody. Say a storm comes
through. Some folks sit in their
living rooms and enjoy the rain.
The house next door gets torn out
of the ground and smashed flat. It
was my turn, that's all. I was in
the path of the tornado.
(softly)
I just had no idea the storm would
go on as long as it has.
(glances to him)
Think you'll ever get out of here?
95.


RED
Sure. When I got a long white beard
and about three marbles left
rolling around upstairs.

ANDY
Tell you where I'd go. Zihuatanejo.

RED
Zihuatanejo?
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Tommy Williams arrives at Shawshank and is told by Warden Norton that he needs his help to ensure his testimony against Andy in court is the truth. Norton then has Tommy killed, in a brutal scene witnessed by many inmates.
Strengths "Powerful and intense scene that reveals the extent of corruption and abuse of power in the prison system."
Weaknesses "The scene is very brutal and may be difficult for some viewers to watch."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written, with good structure and pacing. There is tension and conflict built throughout, leading up to the shocking and unexpected moment of Tommy being shot. The dialogue is believable and the characters have distinct personalities. The scene also successfully builds on the themes and motifs of the film, such as the corrupt justice system and the desire for freedom.

However, as a critique, I would suggest that there could be more description and sensory language to enhance the mood and atmosphere of the scene. For example, using the surroundings to create a more ominous or tense atmosphere before the shooting could add to the overall impact of the moment. Additionally, there could be more nuance to the characters' emotions and reactions in the aftermath of the shooting. This could potentially heighten the emotional resonance of the scene and the impact it has on the audience.
Suggestions There are a few suggestions to improve this scene:

1. There could be more action and tension leading up to the sniper shooting Tommy. For example, Tommy could be fidgety and nervous, sensing something is off, and Norton could be playing mind games to make him doubt his testimony. This would create a more suspenseful atmosphere before the sudden violence.

2. There could be more emotion and reaction from Andy when he finds out about Tommy's death. This could be a moment of realization for him that "nothing stops" as Norton said, and the consequences of speaking out against the corrupt system are dire.

3. The dialogue between Red and Andy could be more meaningful. They could share more about their hopes and dreams for the future, and how they plan to achieve them. This would give the audience a glimpse into their characters and motivations beyond just their current predicament in prison.

4. The scene could also benefit from more visual description, such as the loading-dock area where Tommy is shot and the prison yard where Red and Andy have their conversation. This would add more depth to the world-building and immerse the audience further into the story.



Scene 25 -  Andy's Dream for a Normal Life is Reaffirmed
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 10
  • Dialogue: 8
ANDY
Mexico. Little place right on the
Pacific. You know what the Mexicans
say about the Pacific? They say it
has no memory. That's where I'd
like to finish out my life, Red. A
warm place with no memory. Open a
little hotel right on the beach.
Buy some worthless old boat and fix
it up like new. Take my guests out
charter fishing.
(beat)
You know, a place like that, I'd
need a man who can get things.

Red stares at Andy, laughs.

RED
Jesus, Andy. I couldn't hack it on
the outside. Been in here too long.
I'm an institutional man now. Like
old Brooks Hatlen was.

ANDY
You underestimate yourself.

RED
Bullshit. In here I'm the guy who
can get it for you. Out there, all
you need are Yellow Pages. I
wouldn't know where to begin.
(derisive snort)
Pacific Ocean? Hell. Like to scare
me to death, somethin' that big.

ANDY
Not me. I didn't shoot my wife and
I didn't shoot her lover, and
whatever mistakes I made I've paid
for and then some. That hotel and
that boat...I don't think it's too
much to want.
(MORE)
96.

ANDY (CONT'D)
To look at the stars just after
sunset. Touch the sand. Wade in the
water. Feel free.

RED
Goddamn it, Andy, stop! Don't do
that to yourself! Talking shitty
pipedreams! Mexico's down there,
and you're in here, and that's the
way it is!

ANDY
You're right. It's down there, and
I'm in here. I guess it comes down
to a simple choice, really. Get
busy living or get busy dying.

Red snaps a look. What the hell does that mean? Andy rises
and walks away. Red lunges to his feet.

RED
Andy?

ANDY
(turns back)
Red, if you ever get out of here,
do me a favor. There's this big
hayfield up near Buxton. You know
where Buxton is?

RED
(nods)
Lots of hayfields there.

ANDY
One in particular. Got a long rock
wall with a big oak at the north
end. Like something out of a Robert
Frost poem. It's where I asked my

ANDY (CONT.) (CONT’D)
wife to marry me. We'd gone for a
picnic. We made love under that
tree. I asked and she said yes.
(beat)
Promise me, Red. If you ever get
out, find that spot. In the base of
that wall you'll find a rock that
has no earthly business in a Maine
hayfield. A piece of black volcanic
glass. You'll find something buried
under it I want you to have.
97.


RED
What? What's buried there?

ANDY
You'll just have to pry up that
rock and see.

Andy turns and walks away.

INT -- MESS HALL -- DAY (1966)

RED
I tell you, the man was talkin'
crazy. I'm worried, I truly am.

SKEET
We ought to keep an eye on him.

JIGGER
That's fine, during the day. But at
night he's got that cell all to
himself.

HEYWOOD
Oh Lord. Andy come down to the
loading dock today. Asked me for a
length of rope. Six foot long.

SNOOZE
Shit! You gave it to him?

HEYWOOD
Sure I did. I mean why wouldn't I?

FLOYD
Christ! Remember Brooks Hatlen?

HEYWOOD
How the hell was I s'pose to know?

JIGGER
Andy'd never do that. Never.

They all look to Red.

RED
Every man's got a breaking point.

EXT -- PRISON YARD -- ANGLE ON P.A. -- DUSK (1966)

VOICE (OVER P.A.)
Report to your cellblocks for
evening count.
98.


BOOM DOWN to Red and the boys. Convicts drift past them.

FLOYD
Where the hell is he?

HEYWOOD
Probably still up in the warden's.

TOWER GUARD
(via bullhorn)

YOU MEN! YOU HEAR THAT ANNOUNCEMENT

OR ZUST TOO STUPID TO UNDERSTAND?

SKEET
Christ. What do we do?

FLOYD
Nothing we can do. Not tonight.

HEYWOOD
Let's pull him aside tomorrow, all
of us. Have a word with him. Ain't
that right, Red?

RED
(unconvinced)
Yeah. Sure. That's right.

INT -- NORTON'S OFFICE -- NIGHT (1966)

Andy's working away. Norton pokes his head in.

NORTON
Lickety-split. I wanna get home.

ANDY
Just about done, sir.

We follow Norton to his wife's sampler. He swings it aside,
works the combination dial, opens the wall safe. Andy moves
up, shoves in the black ledger and files. Norton shuts the
safe.

ANDY (CONT’D)
Three deposits tonight.

Andy hands him the envelopes. Norton heads for the door.

NORTON
Get my stuff down t'laundry. And
shine my shoes. I want 'em lookin'
like mirrors.
(MORE)
99.

NORTON (CONT'D)
(pauses at door)
Nice havin' you back, Andy. Place
just wasn't the same without you.

Norton exits. Andy turns to the laundry. He opens the
shoebox. Nice pair of dress shoes inside. He sighs, glances
down at the old ragged pair of work shoes on his own feet.

INT -- NORTON'S OFFICE -- NIGHT (1966)

Andy is diligently shining Norton's shoes.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Andy shares his dream of living in a little place in Mexico with no memory with Red. Later, Red and the other inmates worry about Andy's state of mind when he requests a length of rope. Andy shines Norton's shoes.
Strengths "Solid character moments, reminder of Andy's reason for living each day in the prison, tense buildup in the inmates' concern for Andy"
Weaknesses "Lacks immediate action or suspense"
Critique The scene is a well-written exchange between Andy and Red. It's a crucial moment in the film where Andy talks about his dreams and aspirations for a life outside of prison, and Red tries to keep him grounded. The dialogue is natural and it captures the characters' personalities and relationship effectively. The scene also serves as an important turning point in the story, as it sets up Andy's escape plan and foreshadows his eventual departure from prison. Overall, the scene is well crafted and moves the story forward in a meaningful way.
Suggestions Overall, the scene is well written with clear dialogue and a strong emotional connection between Andy and Red. However, here are a few suggestions to make it even stronger:

- Consider adding more sensory details to Andy's description of his dream of owning a hotel and boat in Mexico. How does the ocean sound and smell? What does the sand feel like? This will make the audience feel more connected to Andy's dream and make it even more appealing.
- Instead of having Red laugh after Andy mentions needing a man who can get things, have him react with a more thoughtful response. This will show that he's considering helping Andy and add some depth to their relationship.
- When Andy tells Red to find the spot in the hayfield, consider adding a flashback or visual cue to show what it looks like. This will make the audience more invested in finding the spot with Red later in the film.
- Consider adding more tension to the scene by having the other inmates react more seriously to Andy's request for rope. This will show that they are also worried about his mental state and add more weight to the scene.
- When Norton tells Andy that the place wasn't the same without him, Andy could respond with a subtle sign of defiance or resistance. This will show that he's not just accepting his fate in prison and is actually trying to escape in some way.



Scene 26 -  The Disappearance
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
INT -- PRISON CORRIDOR -- NIGHT (1966)

Andy trudges down the hallway, laundry slung over his
shoulder,

INT -- CELLBLOCK FIVE -- NIGHT (1966)

Andy nods to the GUARD. The guard BUZZES him through.

INT -- RED'S CELL -- NIGHT (1966)

Red hears Andy coming, moves to the bars. He watches Andy
come up to the second tier and pause before his cell.

GUARD (O.S.)
Open number twelve!

Andy gazes directly at Red. A beat of eye contact. Red
shakes his head. Don't do it. Andy smiles, eerily calm...and
enters his cell. The door closes. KA-THUMP! We hold on Red's
face.

INT -- ANDY'S CELL -- NIGHT (1966)

Andy is polishing a chess piece.

VOICE (O.S.)
Lights out!

The lights bump off. He finishes polishing, holds up the
piece to admire. A pawn. He sets it down with the others --
and we realize it's the final glance for the board. A full
set.

He gazes up at Racquel and smiles. Pulls a six foot length
of rope from under his pillow. Lets it uncoil to the floor.

INT -- RED'S CELL -- NIGHT (1966)

Red sits in the dark, a bundle of nerves, trying to hold
100.


himself still. He feels like he might scream or shake to
pieces. The seconds tick by, each an eternity.

RED (V.O.)
I have had some long nights in
stir. Alone in the dark with
nothing but your thoughts, time can
draw out like a blade...

A FLASH OF LIGHTNING outside his window sends harsh barred
shadows jittering across the cell. A storm breaking.

RED (V.O.)
That was the longest night of my
life...

INT -- CELLBLOCK FIVE -- MORNING (1966)

KA-THUMP! The master lock is thrown. The cons emerge from
their cells and the headcount begins. Red looks back to see
if Andy's in line. He's not. Suddenly the count stalls:

GUARD
Man missing on tier two! Cell 12!

The head bull, HAIG, checks his list:

HAIG
Dufresne? Get your ass out here,
boy! You're holding up the show!
(no answer)
Don't make me come down there now!
I'll thump your skull for you!

Still no answer. Glaring, Haig stalks down the tier,
clipboard in hand. His men fall in behind.

HAIG (CONT’D)
Dufresne, dammit, you're putting me
behind! You better be sick or dead
in there, I shit you not!

They arrive at bars. Their faces go slack. Stunned. Softly:

HAIG (CONT’D)
Oh my Holy God.

REVERSE ANGLE

reveals the cell is empty. Everything neat and tidy. Even
the bunk is stowed. They wrench the door open and rush in,
tossing the cell in a panic as if Andy might be lurking
under the Kleenex or the toothpaste.
101.


CAMERA ROCKETS IN on Haig as he spins toward us, bellowing
at the top of his lungs:

HAIG
WHAT THE FUCK!

INT -- NORTON'S OFFICE -- MORNING (1966)

Norton is kicking back with the morning paper. He notices ha
dingy his shoes are. He glances at the shoebox on the desk.
kicks his shoes off, opens the box -- and gulls out Andy's o
grimy work shoes. He stares blankly. What the fuck indeed.

An ALARM STARTS BLARING throughout the prison. He looks up.

EXT -- PRISON -- DAY (1966)

Norton and Hadley stride across the grounds, ALARM BLARING.

NORTON
I want every man on that cellblock
questioned! Start with that friend
of his!

HADLEY
who?

INT -- CELLBLOCK FIVE -- RED'S CELL -- DAY (1966)

Red watches as Norton storms up with an entourage of guards.

NORTON
Him.

Red's eyes widen. Guards yank him from his cell.

INT -- ANDY'S CELL -- DAY (1966)

Norton steps to the center of the room, working himself up
into a fine rage:

NORTON
What do you mean "he just wasn't
here?" Don't say that to me, Haig!
Don't say that to me again!

HAIG
But sir! He wasn't! He isn't!

NORTON
I can see that, Haig! You think I'm
blind? Is that what you're saying?
Am I blind, Haig?
102.


HAIG
No sir!

Norton grabs the clipboard and thrusts it at Hadley.

NORTON
What about you? You blind? Tell me
what this is!

HADLEY
Last night's count.

NORTON
You see Dufresne's name? I sure do!
Right there, see? "Dufresne." He
was in his cell at lights out!
Stands to reason he'd still be here
this morning! I want him found! Not
tomorrow, not after breakfast! Now!

Haig scurries out, gathering men. Norton spins to Red.

NORTON (CONT’D)
Well?

RED
Well what?

NORTON
I see you two all the time, you're
thick as thieves, you are! He
must'a said something!

RED
No sir, he didn't!

Norton spreads his arms evangelist-style, spins slowly
around.

NORTON
Lord! It's a miracle! Man up and
vanished like a fart in the wind!
Nothin' left but some damn rocks on
the windowsill and that cupcake on
the wall! Let's ask her! Maybe she
knows! What say there, Fuzzy-
Britches? Feel like talking? Guess
not. Why should you be different?

Red exchanges looks with the guards. Even they're nervous.
Norton scoops a handful rocks off the sill. He hurls them at
the wall one at a time, shattering them, punctuating his
words:
103.


NORTON (CONT’D)
It's a conspiracy! (SMASH) That's
what this is! (SMASH) It's one big
damn conspiracy! (SMASH) And
everyone's in on it! (SMASH)
Including her!

He sends the last rock whizzing right at Racquel. No smash.

It takes a moment for this to sink in. All eyes go to her.
The rock went through her. There's a small hole in the
poster where her navel used to be.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Norton demands Andy's whereabouts, as it is discovered that he has disappeared from prison. Red is questioned, but denies knowing anything.
Strengths "The tension is palpable as the situation escalates. The dialogue is straightforward and effective in conveying the urgency and fear of the situation."
Weaknesses "The scene is relatively short and does not offer a lot of character development or meaningful dialogue. The focus is purely on the plot development."
Critique As a screenwriting expert, I would say that the scene is well-written and suspenseful, effectively building up to the reveal of Andy's disappearance. The use of voiceover from Red adds a layer of emotion and introspection to the scene.

The dialogue is realistic and fits the characters, particularly Norton's explosive anger. The use of actions, such as Norton throwing the rocks, adds visual interest and helps convey his frustration and desperation.

Overall, the scene effectively sets up the mystery of Andy's disappearance and leaves the audience wanting to know more. Well done.
Suggestions Here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

- Add more suspense and build-up to Andy's disappearance. As it stands, his disappearance seems almost abrupt and sudden.

- Use more descriptive language to paint a picture of the setting and the characters' emotions. This will help the audience feel more invested in the scene.

- Consider adding more dialogue between Red and Andy, or between Andy and the guard. This will help establish their relationships and make the scene more engaging.

- Use visual cues and symbolism to foreshadow Andy's disappearance, such as close-ups of the rope or the chess pieces.

- Consider adding more background music or sound effects to heighten the tension and atmosphere of the scene.



Scene 27 -  The Escape
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 10
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 6
You could hear a pin drop. Norton reaches up, sinks his
finger into the hole. He keeps pushing...and his entire hand
disappears into the wall.

ANGLE FROM BEHIND POSTER

as Norton rips the poster from before our eyes. Stunned
faces peer in. CAMERA PULLS SLOWLY BACK...to reveal the long
crumbling tunnel in the wall.

INT -- ANDY'S CELL -- MINUTES LATER (1966)

RORY TREMONT, a guard barely out of his teens, tries not to
look nervous as they lash a rope around his chest. He's
getting instructions from six different people at once.

RED (V.O.)
They got this skinny kid named Rory
Tremont to go in the hole. He
wasn't much in the brains
department, but he possessed the
one most important qualification
for the job...
(they slap a flashlight
in his hands)
...he was willing to go.

INT -- TUNNEL -- DAY (1966)

Rory squeezes down the tunnel on his belly.

RED (V.O.)
Probably thought he'd win a Bronze
Star or something.

INT -- VERTICAL SHAFT -- DAY (1966)

Dark as midnight. Concrete walls rise on both sides. If you
imagine them as two huge slices of bread, the meat of this
particular sandwich is about three feet of airspace and a
dark tangle of pipes between the cellblocks.
104.


Rory's appears, shining his flashlight down the shaft.
Somewhere, a rat SQUEAKS.

RED (V.O.)
It was his third day on the job.

RORY
Warden? There's a space here
between the walls 'bout three feet
across! Smells pretty damn bad!

NORTON (O.S.)
I don't care what it smells like!

HADLEY (O.S.)
Go on, boy! We got a hold of you!

Looking none too happy about it, Rory squeezes from the
tunnel and dangles into the shaft. He gets lowered, shining
his light, smothered by darkness. Not having a good time.

RORY
Hoo-whee! Smell's gettin' worse!

NORTON (O.S.)
Never mind, I said! Just keep
going!

RORY
Smells pretty damn bad, Warden! In
fact, it smells just like shit.

His feet touch the ground -- or what he assumed was the
ground. It's not. In fact, it's just what it smells like. He
sinks in past his ankles. He slips and sits heavily in it.

RORY (CONT’D)
Oh God, that's what it is, it's
shit. oh my God it's shit. pull me
out 'fore I blow my groceries, oh
shit it's shit, oh my Gawwwwwwd!

INT -- ANDY'S CELL -- DAY (1966)

Red and others listen to violent barfing from below.

RED (V.O.)
And then came the unmistakable
sound of Rory Tremont losing his
last few meals. The whole cellblock
heard it. I mean, it echoed.
105.


That's it for Red. He starts laughing. Laughing, hell, he's
bellowing laughter, laughing so hard he has to hold himself,
laughing so hard tears are pouring down his cheeks. The look
of rage on Norton's face makes him laugh all the harder.

INT -- SOLITARY WING -- NIGHT (1966)

Abrupt silence. LOW ANGLE on steel door.

RED (V.O.)
I laughed myself right into
solitary. Two week stretch.

INT -- SOLITARY -- NIGHT (1966)

RED
It's shit, it's shit, oh my God
it's shit...

He starts laughing all over again, fit to split.

RED (V.O.)
Andy once talked about doing easy
time in the hole. Now I knew what
he meant.

EXT -- SHAWSHANK PRISON -- WIDE SHOT -- DAY (1966)

Virgin landscape. Charming rural road. Suddenly, State
Police cruisers rocket up the road with SIRENS AND LIGHTS.

RED (V.O.)
In 1966, Andy Dufresne escaped from
Shawshank Prison.

EXT -- FIELD -- DAY (1966)

Shawshank is half a mile distant. WE TRACK ALONG a muddy
creel as STATE TROOPERS and PRISON GUARDS scour the brush. A
TROOPEE fishes a prison uniform out of the creek with a long
stick.

RED (V.O.)
All they found of him was a muddy
set of prison clothes, a bar of
soap, and an old rock-hammer damn
near worn down to the nub.

TROOPER g2 pulls the rock-hammer from the weeds. SWISH PAN
to a POLICE PHOTOGRAPHER. His FLASHBULB GLARE produces:

A BLACK AND WHITE STILL PHOTO
106.


of the hapless cops posing with Andy's reeking uniform and
the worn rock-hammer. PUSH IN on the hammer.

RED (V.O.)
I remember thinking it would take a
man six hundred years to tunnel
through the wall with it. Andy did
it in less than twenty.

INT -- ANDY'S CELL -- NIGHT (1949)

Once again, we see Andy using the rock-hammer to scratch his

name into the cement. Suddenly, a palm-sized chunk of cement
pops free and hits the floor. He stares down at it.

INT -- ANDY'S CELL -- NIGHT (1949)

Andy lies in the dark, studying the chunk of concrete in his
hands. Considering the possibilities. Wrestling with hope.

RED (V.O.)
Andy loved geology. I imagine it
appealed to his meticulous nature.
An ice age here, a million years of
mountain-building there, plates of
bedrock grinding against each other
over a span of millennia...

INT -- ANDY'S CELL -- NIGHT (1949)

Andy stands peering at the small hole left by the fallen
chunk. Carefully runs his fingertip over it.

RED (V.O.)
Geology is the study of pressure
and time. That's all it takes,
really. Pressure and time.

INT -- ANDY'S CELL -- NIGHT (1951)

Rita is now on the wall, hanging down over Andy's back.

RED (V.O.)
That and a big damn poster.

TRACK IN to reveal Andy scraping patiently at the concrete.

RED (V.O.)
Like I said. In prison, a man'll do
most anything to keep his mind
occupied.
107.
Genres: ["drama","prison"]

Summary Andy escapes from Shawshank Prison with the help of his rock-hammer. The guards send Rory Tremont into the disgusting tunnel in an attempt to catch him. Red finds it all hilarious.
Strengths "The tension of the escape plan and the guard's horrified reaction to the smell create a strong sense of atmosphere. Red's narration adds depth and meaning to the scene."
Weaknesses "The scene could benefit from more development of the characters and their relationships."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effective in building tension and anticipation for the eventual escape. The descriptions of the tunnel and Rory's journey through it are vivid and immersive, allowing the audience to feel the claustrophobia and disgust of the situation.

One potential issue with the scene is the use of voiceover narration by Red. While it provides helpful context and commentary, it also feels somewhat intrusive and could potentially distract from the action on screen. Additionally, the use of humor in the scene is effective in breaking up the tension, but some viewers may find it inappropriate or insensitive given the graphic nature of Rory's journey.

Overall, this scene effectively sets up Andy's escape and establishes the lengths he is willing to go to achieve his freedom. It also provides insight into the mentality of prisoners and the importance of keeping one's mind occupied in jail.
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, I would suggest adding more sensory details in the scene where Rory Tremont goes into the tunnel. Instead of just stating that it smells bad and like shit, describe the stench in a way that makes the audience's stomach turn. Also, add some physical reactions to Rory being in the tunnel, such as him gagging from the smell or struggling to breathe in the tight space. These added details will make the scene more visceral and engaging for the audience. Additionally, adding more dialogue between the guards as they instruct Rory would add more tension to the scene and show the audience the cruel nature of the prison guards.



Scene 28 -  The Escape
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
He hears FOOTSTEPS approaching. He smoothes the poster down
and dives into bed. A GUARD strolls by a moment later,
shining his flashlight into the cell.

EXT -- PRISON YARD -- DAY (1953)

Andy strolls along, whistling softly, hands in both pockets.
TILT DOWN to his pantleg. Concrete grit trickles out.

RED (V.O.)
It turns out Andy's favorite hobby
was totin' his wall out into the
exercise yard a handful at a
time...

INT -- 2ND TIER -- NIGHT (1962)

A GUARD strolls the tier, shining his flashlight into the
cells. He pauses at Andy's bars, playing the beam over the
sleeping form huddled under the blankets.

p37 REVERSE ANGLE (FROM INS1DE ANDY'S CELL)

We see what the guard doesn't: instead of Andy's head under
the blanket, it's a wadded-up pillow. The flashlight plays
across the cell, pinning Marilyn Monroe in a circle of
light.

ANGLE FROM BEHIND POSTER

The light illuminates her face through the paper. WIDEN to
reveal Andy lying in his tunnel, holding his breath. The
light clicks off. The FOOTSTEPS move on. He gets back to
work.

RED (V.O.)
While the rest of us slept, Andy
spent years workin' the
nightshift...

INT -- SHAFT -- NIGHT (1965)

BOOMING SLOWLY UP the shaft. Rats scurry the pipes.
Suddenly, r piece of concrete the size of a quarter jumps
free and plummets down the shaft as the rock-hammer pushes
through. The pick withdraws, replaced by Andy's peering eye.

A SERIES OF DISSOLVES (1965 through 1966)

takes us through the widening of the hole. First as big as a
tea cup. Then a saucer. Then a dinner plate.
108.


RED (V.O.)
Probably took him most of a year
just to get his head through.

Andy finally gets his head through, scraping his ears. He's
got a penlight clenched in his teeth. He peers down into the
shaft. At the very bottom, maybe 20 feet down, a big ceramic
pipe runs the length of the cellblock. Beneath its coat of
grime and dust, the word "SEWER" is stenciled.

EXT -- LOADING DOCK ACCESS -- NIGHT (1966)

ANGLE LOOKING STRAIGHT DOWN. Below us, Tommy Williams lies
facedown at Norton's feet. Blood is spreading, fanning out
oa the pavement. Norton turns, strolls out of frame.

RED (V.O.)
I guess after Tommy was killed,
Andy decided he'd been here just
about long enough.

Again we see: Andy working. Norton pokes his head in.

NORTON
Lickety-split. I wanna get home.

ANDY
Just about done, sir.

Norton crosses to the wall safe and works the dial, his back
turned. This time, though, we stay on Andy:

He pulls up his sweater, yanks out a large black book and a
stack of files, lays them on the desk. He then grabs the
real ledger and files, jams them down his pants and smoothes
his sweater down. He picks up the bogus stack, crosses to
Norton, and shoves everything in.

INT -- HALLWAY -- NIGHT (1966)

Norton exits his office and strolls off whistling. PUSH IN
on the open door. We see Andy at the guard's desk, pulling
Norton's dress shoes from their box.

RED (V.O.)
Andy did like he was told. Buffed
those shoes to a high mirror shine.

INT -- NORTON'S OFFICE -- MINUTES LATER (1966)

Andy sorts through Norton's three suits. He pauses, checking
the gray pinstripe. Nice.
109.


INT -- CELLBLOCK FIVE -- NIGHT (1966)

The guard BUZZES Andy through. Andy walks toward us.

RED (V.O.)
The guard simply didn't notice.
Neither did I. I mean, seriously,
how often do you really look at a
man's shoes?

TILT DOWN as he passes by. Yep, he's wearing Norton's shoes.

INT -- ANDY'S CELL -- NIGHT (1966)

The lights go out. Andy places the last chess piece. Gazes
up at Racquel. Smiles. Pulls the rope from under his pillow.
He stands and unbuttons his prison shirt, revealing Norton's
gray pinstripe suit underneath. A FLASH OF LIGHTNING floods
the cell, throwing wild shadows.

INT -- ANDY'S CELL -- NIGHT (1966)

The storm rages. Andy, naked, carefully slips Norton's
folded suit into a large industrial Zip-Lock bag. Next to go
in are the shoes, chess pieces (already in a smaller bag),
black ledger en files. Last but not least, a bar of soap
wrapped in a towel.

INT -- TUNNEL -- NIGHT (1966)

Andy, again wearing prison clothes, inches down the tunnel.

INT -- SHAFT -- NIGHT (1966)

Andy squeezes through the hole head-first, emerges to the
waist, He reaches for the opposite wall, manages to snag a
steel conduit with his fingers.

Suddenly, a huge rat darts for his hand. Andy yanks away and
almost plummets head-first down the shaft. He dangles wildly
upside-down for a moment, arms windmilling, then gets his
hands pressed firmly against the opposite wall. The rat
scurries off, pissed.

Andy snags the conduit again. He contorts out of the hole
and dangles into the shaft. We now see the purpose for the
rope: the plastic bag hangs from his ankle with about two
feet of slack,

He kicks his legs across the shaft, gets his feet braced.
Wit3 his back against one wall and feet against the other,
he starts down the shaft. Sliding dangerously. Using pipes
for handholds.
110.


Flinching as rats dart this way and that, scurrying in the
shadows. He drops the last few feet to the bottom.

He approaches the ceramic sewer pipe and kneels before it.
Pulls out the rock-hammer and says a quick silent prayer.
Raises the rock-hammer high and swings it down with all his
might. Once, twice -- third time lucky. An enormous eruption
of sewage cascades into the air as if rocket-propelled, the
Mount St. Helens of shit. Andy is instantly coated black. He
turns away and heaves his guts out. The shit keeps coming.

INT -- SEWER PIPE -- NIGHT (1966)

Andy peers down through the hole, playing his penlight
around, The inside diameter is no more than two feet. Tight
squeeze. Coated with crud. It seems to go on for miles.

No turning back. He wriggles into the pipe and starts
crawling, plastic bag dragging behind.
Genres: ["Prison Drama","Escape"]

Summary Andy escapes from Shawshank with the help of his rock-hammer and a length of rope.
Strengths "The tension and danger of the escape, the resourcefulness of Andy's plan, the culmination of the film's central plot, the excellent pacing and buildup of the scene."
Weaknesses "Some aspects of the plan (such as hiding the plastic bag in his pants) strain credibility and the scene lacks the emotional weight of the film's earlier moments."
Critique This scene is well-crafted and effectively conveys the tension and danger of the prison escape. The use of voiceover narration from Red adds depth to the scene, as we hear his thoughts and observations about Andy's escape. The slow build-up of Andy's tunneling over the years is a great way to show the time and effort required for the escape. The use of lighting and shadow is well-executed, with the flashlight beam casting light on Marilyn Monroe's poster in one moment and the sudden flash of lightning illuminating Andy in Norton's suit. However, some of the descriptions of bodily functions and excrement could be toned down or edited for a less unpleasant reading experience. Overall, the scene is gripping and well-written.
Suggestions To improve this scene, I suggest starting with a clearer establishing shot of Andy's cell to give context to the scene that follows. This could also help establish the passage of time between the separate scenes. Additionally, adding more specific descriptions of the settings, such as the size and layout of the prison yard or the lighting in the hallway, could help create a more immersive experience for the viewer. The dialogue could also be refined to better convey character development and motivations. Finally, adding tension and suspense to the scenes could help keep the viewer engaged and invested in the story.



Scene 29 -  Escape from Shawshank
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
RED (V.O.)
Andy crawled to freedom through
five hundred yards of shit-smelling
foulness I can't even imagine. Or
maybe I just don't want to.

EXT -- FIELD -- NIGHT (1966)

Rain is falling in solid sheets. Shawshank is half a mile
distant. BOOM DOWN to reveal the creek...and PUSH IN toward
the mouth of the sewer pipe that feeds into it.

RED (V.O.)
Five hundred yards. The length of
five football fields. Just shy of
half a mile.

Fingers appear, thrusting through the heavy-gauge wire mesh
covering the mouth of the pipe. Andy's face looms from the
darkness, peering out at freedom. He wrenches the mesh
loose, pushes himself out, and plunges head-first into the
creek. He comes up sputtering for breath. The water is waist-
deep.

He wades upstream, ripping his clothes from his body. He
gets his shirt off, spins it through the air over his head,
flings the shirt away. He raises his arms to the sky,
turning slowly, feeling the rain washing him clean.
Exultant. Triumphant. A FLASH OF LIGHTNING arcs from horizon
to horizon.

INT -- ANDY'S TUNNEL -- DAY (1966)

Once again, we see stunned faces as CAMERA PULLS BACK.
111.


RED (V.O.)
The next morning, right about the
time Racquel was spilling her
little secret...

INT -- CASCO BANK OF PORTLAND -- MORNING (1966)

The door opens. Spit-shined shoes enter. DOLLY the shoes to
the counter.

RED (V.O.)
...a man nobody ever laid eyes on
before strolled into the Casco Bank
of Portland. Until that moment, he
didn't exist -- except on paper.

FEMALE TELLER (O.S.)
May I help you?

TILT UP to Andy. Smiling in Norton's gray pinstripe suit.

ANDY
My name is Peter Stevens. I've come
to close out some accounts.

INT -- BANK -- SHORTLY LATER (1966)

The teller is cutting a cashier's check while the MANAGER
carefully examines Mr. Stevens' various I.D.s.

RED (V.O.)
He had all the proper I.D. Driver's
license, birth certificate, social
security card. The signature was a
spot-on match.

MANAGER
I must say I'm sorry to be losing
your business. I hope you'll enjoy
living abroad.

ANDY
Thank you. I'm sure I will.

TELLER
Here's your cashier's check, sir.
Will there be anything else?

ANDY
Please. Would you add this to your
outgoing mail?

He hands her a package, stamped and addressed. Gives them a
pleasant smile. Turns and strolls from the bank.
112.


RED (V.O.)
Mr. Stevens visited nearly a dozen
banks in the Portland area that
morning. All told, he blew town
with better than 370 thousand
dollars of Warden Norton's money.
Severance pay for nineteen years.

INT -- OFFICE -- DAY (1966)

A MAN in shirtsleeves is going through the mail on his desk.
He finds Andy's package, rips it open. Pulls out the black
ledger and files. Scans a cover letter. Holy shit. He dashes
to his door and yanks it open, revealing the words on the
glass: "PORTLAND DAILY BUGLE -- Editor In Chief."

MAN
Hal! Dave! Get your butts in here!

INT -- SHAWSHANK PRISON -- DAY (1966)

Norton walks slowly toward his office. Dazed. The morning
paper in his hand. He goes wordlessly past the DUTY GUARD
into his office. Shuts the door. Lays the paper on his desk.

The headline reads: "CORRUPTION AND MURDER AT SHAWSHANK."
Below that, the sub-headline: "D.A. Has Ledger. Indictments
Expected." Norton looks up as SIRENS SWELL in the distance.

EXT -- SHAWSHANK PRISON -- WIDE SHOT -- DAY (1966)

For the second time, State Police cruisers go rocketing up
the road with SIRENS AND LIGHTS.

INT -- NORTON'S OFFICE -- DAY (1966)

Norton opens his safe and pulls out the "ledger" -- it's
Andy's Bible. The title page is inscribed by hand: "Dear
Warden. You were right. Salvation lay within." Norton flips
to the center of the book -- and finds the pages hollowed
out in the shape of a rock-hammer.

EXT -- PRISON -- DAY (1966)

Police cruisers everywhere. A media circus. REPORTERS jostle
for position. A colorless DISTRICT ATTORNEY steps forward
into CLOSEUP, flanked by a contingent of S.ATE TROOPERS.

D.A.
Byron Hadley?

ANGLE SHIFTS to reveal Captain Hadley. Staring. Waiting.
113.


D.A. (CONT’D)
You have the right to remain
silent. If you give up that right,
anything you say will be used
against you in court...

TROOPERS move in, cuffing Hadley's hands behind his back.
The D.A. drones on. FLASHBULBS POP. Hadley says nothing. His
face scrunches up. He begins to cry.

RED (V.O.)
I wasn't there to see it, but I
hear Byron Hadley was sobbing like
a little girl when they took him
away.

Hadley sobs all the way to the car. The D.A. snaps a gaze up
toward Norton's window, motions his men to follow.

INT -- NORTON'S OFFICE -- DAY (1966)

Norton is staring out the window as they approach the
building. He goes to his desk, opens a drawer. Inside lies a
revolver and a box of shells.

RED (V.O.)
Norton had no intention of goin'
that quietly.

INT -- PRISON CORRIDORS -- DAY (1966)

The D.A. marches along amidst a phalanx of TROOPERS.

INT -- NORTON'S OFFICE -- DAY (1966)

Norton sits blankly at his desk, revolver before him. The
doorknob rattles, a VOICE is heard:

D.A. (O.S.)
Samuel Norton? We have a warrant
for your arrest! Open up!

The POUNDING starts. Norton dumps the box of bullets out on
thr desk. He starts sorting them to see which ones he likes.

OUTSIDE HIS OFFICE

Troopers hustle the hapless duty guard to Norton's door as
he fumbles nervously with a huge key ring.

DUTY GUARD
I'm not sure which one it is...
114.
Genres: ["drama","crime"]

Summary Andy finally escapes from Shawshank Prison and then pulls off an elaborate scheme to steal hundreds of thousands of dollars from Warden Norton before disappearing forever.
Strengths "The tension builds to an exciting climax as multiple storylines intersect. The cinematography, especially the shot of Andy standing in the rain with lightning flashing behind him, is powerful."
Weaknesses "Some of the dialogue, particularly the exposition-heavy voiceover from Red, feels clunky and unnecessary. There are also moments where the pacing drags, particularly during the bank scenes."
Critique The scene is well-written, especially in terms of its pacing and transitions between the different settings and moments in time. The use of voiceover by Red ties everything together nicely and adds depth to the storytelling.

One area that could potentially be improved is the use of cliches, such as "sobbing like a little girl" in reference to Hadley. While it may be an accurate description of his emotional state, it is somewhat derogatory and reinforces gender stereotypes. Finding a more original and respectful way to convey the same idea would strengthen the scene's overall impact.

Overall, the scene effectively builds suspense and tension as the plot reaches its climax, with the revelation of Andy's clever plan to escape and Norton's eventual downfall.
Suggestions The scene already serves its purpose and moves the story along effectively. However, here are a few suggestions to enhance the scene:

1. Provide more sensory details: The rain and lightning already do this to a certain extent, but you can add more sensory details to immerse the audience in the scene. For example, you could describe the sounds and smells that Andy encounters while crawling through the sewer pipe.

2. Use more visual descriptions: While the scene mostly relies on dialogue, it could benefit from more visual descriptions. For instance, instead of just "fingers appear," you could describe the way Andy's fingers grip the wire mesh, how his face looms out of the darkness, and so on.

3. Amplify tension: The scene could be made more tense by breaking it up into shorter, snappier shots. For instance, you could show Andy struggling with the mesh, then cut to a shot of him plunging into the creek and gasping for breath, then show him wading upstream, etc.

4. Tighten dialogue: The dialogue in the scene is already tight and effective, but you could make it even more so by removing unnecessary words. For example, you could eliminate "please" in Andy's line, "Please. Would you add this to your outgoing mail?" This makes Andy's request more commanding and adds to his confidence.

5. Add music: Finally, the scene could benefit from background music to enhance the emotional impact. For instance, the music could become more uplifting as Andy raises his arms to the sky or more tense as Norton prepares to shoot himself.



Scene 30 -  Red's Reflection and Freedom
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
He starts trying keys in the lock. And as the keys go
sliding in one after another...

INT -- NORTON'S OFFICE -- DAY (1966)

...so do the bullets. Norton is riveted to the door. For
every key, he loads another bullet. Methodical and grim. He
gets the final bullet in just as the right key slams home.
The door bursts open. Men muscle in. Somebody SHOUTS.
Troopers dive in all directions as Norton raises the gun --

-- and jams it under his chin. His head snaps back as the
wall goes red. His swivel chair does a slow half-turn and
creaks to a final stop. Troopers rise slowly, gazing in
horror.

RED (V.O.)
I like to think the last thing that
went through his head...other than
that bullet...was to wonder how the
hell Andy Dufresne ever got the
best of him.

PUSH SLOWLY to the wall to reveal Mrs. Norton's framed
sampler trickling blood and brains...and we get our final
Bible lesson for today: "HIS JUDGMENT COMETH AND THAT RIGHT
SOON."

EXT -- PRISON YARD -- DAY (1966)

Mail call. Red hears his name. They pass him a postcard.

RED (V.O.)
Not long after the warden deprived
us of his company, I got a postcard
in the mail. It was blank. But the
postmark said, "McNary, Texas."

INT -- LIBRARY -- DAY (1966)

Red sits with an atlas, tracing his finger down the page.

RED (V.O.)
McNary. Right on the border. That's
where Andy crossed.
(shuts the book)
When I picture him heading south in
his own car with the top down, it
makes me laugh all over again...

EXT -- MEXICO -- HIGHWAY -- DAY (1966)

A red convertible rips along with Andy at the wheel, cigar
jutting from his grin, warm wind fluttering his tie.
115.


RED (V.O.)
Andy Dufresne, who crawled through
a river of shit and came out clean
on the other side. Andy Dufresne,
headed for the Pacific.

INT -- MESS HALL -- DAY (1966)

Heywood is regaling the table with some anecdote about Andy.

RED (V.O.)
Those of us who knew him best talk
about him often. I swear, the stuff
he pulled. It always makes us
laugh.

A wild burst of laughter. PUSH IN on Red. Feeling
melancholy.

RED (V.O.)
Sometimes it makes me sad, though,
Andy being gone. I have to remind
myself that some birds aren't meant
to be caged, that's all. Their
feathers are just too bright...

EXT -- FIELDS -- LATE DAY (1966)

Convicts hoe the fields. Guards patrol on horseback.

RED (V.O.)
...and when they fly away, the part
of you that knows it was a sin to
lock them up does rejoice...but
still, the place you live is that
much more drab and empty that
they're gone.

A DISTANT RUMBLE OF THUNDER. Red pauses, gazes off. Storm
clouds coming in, backlit by the sun. A light drizzle
begins.

RED (V.O.)
I guess I just miss my friend.

INT -- PRISON CELL -- NIGHT (1966)

Red is sleeping. He wakes with a start.

RED (V.O.)
But there are times I curse him for
the dreams he left behind...
116.


He senses a presence, looks over his shoulder. There's a
Rita Hayworth poster on his wall. He gets out of bed. Rita
just keeps smiling, inscrutable. As Red watches, a brilliant
round glow builds behind the poster, shining from the
tunnel. The poster rips free, charred to ash in the blink of
an eye as a shaft of holy white light stabs into the cell.
Sunlight. Red staggers back against the glare.

A whirlwind kicks up, whipping everything into the air. The
hole in the wall is like a giant vacuum cleaner -- papers,
book, toiletries, bedding -- if it ain't nailed down, it
gets sucked down the hole toward the light. Red fights it,
but the suction drags him closer and closer...

RED'S POV

...and CAMERA rockets into the hole, getting sucked down an
endless tunnel at impossible speed, the ROAR of air mixing
with his drawn-out SCREAM, closer and closer to the light...

...and erupting out the other side into total silence and a
beautiful white beach. The Pacific Ocean before us.
Enormous. Mind-blowing. Beautiful beyond description. All we
hear now are the gentle sound of waves.

RED (V.O.)
...dreams where I am lost in a warm
place with no memory.

A lone figure stands at water's edge. CAMERA KEEPS MOVING,
coming up behind him and TRACKING AROUND to reveal -- Red.

RED (V.O.)
An ocean so big it strikes me dumb.
Waves so quiet they strike me deaf.
Sunshine so bright it strikes me
blind. It is a place that is blue
beyond reason. Bluer than can
possibly exist. Bluer than my mind
can possibly grasp.

AERIAL SHOT

Nothing for a million miles but beach, sky, and water. Red
is a tiny speck at water's edge. Just another grain of sand.

RED (V.O.)
I am terrified. There is no way
home.

INT -- RED'S CELL -- NIGHT (1966)

Red wakes from the nightmare. He gets out of bed. Moves to
the barred window of his cell. Peers up at the stars.
117.


RED (V.O.)
Andy. I know you're in that place.
Look at the stars for me just after
sunset. Touch the sand...wade in
the water...and feel free.

FADE TO BLACK

AN IRON-BARRED DOOR

slides open with an enormous CLANG. A stark room beyond.
CAMERA PUSHES through. SIX MEN AND ONE WOMAN sit at a long
table. An empty chair faces them. We are again in:

INT -- SHAWSHANK HEARINGS ROOM -- DAY (1967)

Red enters, sits. 20 years older than when we first saw him.

MAN #1
Your file says you've served forty
years of a life sentence. You feel
you've been rehabilitated?

Red doesn't answer. Just stares off. Seconds tick by. The
parole board exchanges glances. Somebody clears his throat.

MAN #1 (CONT’D)
Shall I repeat the question?
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Red reflects on his memories of Andy Dufresne and his journey from prison to freedom. In the end, Red is up for a parole hearing after serving 40 years in prison.
Strengths "A touching and heartfelt ending that ties up loose ends and ties into the overall themes of the movie."
Weaknesses "The scene may be too slow-paced for some viewers."
Critique The scene is well-written and serves as a powerful conclusion to the film. The use of voice-over narration helps to tie together the various storylines and themes, and the visuals are stunning. The scene effectively conveys Red's mixed emotions about his friend's escape and his own situation, as well as the overwhelming beauty of the Pacific Ocean. The only critique would be that the dialogue in the parole hearing could be a bit more subtle and nuanced, as it feels somewhat on-the-nose.
Suggestions To improve this scene, I would suggest adding more tension to the moment when Norton loads the bullets in the gun. A build-up of suspense and fear could increase the impact of his final decision to take his own life. Additionally, the final dialogue between Red and the parole board could benefit from more emotion and conflict, as it seems too straightforward and lacking in depth. Adding some personal stakes or unexpected challenges could make it a more engaging scene for the audience.



Scene 31 -  Red's Release
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 10
  • Dialogue: 9
RED
I heard you. Rehabilitated. Let's
see now. You know, come to think of
it, I have no idea what that means.

MAN #2
Well, it means you're ready to
rejoin society as a--

RED
I know what you think it means. Me,
I think it's a made-up word, a poli-
tician's word. A word so young
fellas like you can wear a suit and
tie and have a job. What do you
really want to know? Am I sorry for
what I did?

MAN #2
Well...are you?

RED
Not a day goes by I don't feel
regret, and not because I'm in here
or because you think I should.
(MORE)
118.

RED (CONT'D)
I look back on myself the way I
was...stupid kid who did that
terrible crime...wish I could talk
sense to him. Tell him how things
are. But I can't. That kid's long
gone, this old man is all that's
left, and I have to live with that.
(beat)
Rehabilitated? That's a bullshit
word, so you just go on ahead and
stamp that form there, sonny, and
stop wasting my damn time. Truth
is, I don't give a shit.

The parole board just stares. Red sits drumming his fingers.

CLOSEUP -- PAROLE FORM

A big rubber stamp SLAMS down -- and lifts away to reveal
the word "APPROVED" in red ink.

EXT -- SHAWSHANK PRISON -- DAY

TWO SHORT SIREN BLASTS herald the opening of the main gate.
It swings hugely open, revealing Red standing in his cheap
suit, carrying a cheap bag, wearing a cheap hat. He walks
out, still looking stunned.

INT -- BUS -- DAY

Red rides the bus, clutching the seat before him, gripped by
terror of speed and motion.

EXT -- BREWSTER HOTEL -- LATE AFTERNOON

Red arrives at the Brewster, three stories high and even
less to look at than it used to be.

INT -- BREWSTER -- LATE DAY

A BLACK WOMAN leads Red up the stairs toward the top floor.

INT -- RED'S ROOM -- LATE DAY

Small, old, dingy. An arched window with a view of Congress
Street. Traffic noise floats up. Red enters and pauses,
staring up at the ceiling beam. Carved into the wood are the
words: "Brooks Hatlen was here."

INT -- FOODWAY MARKET -- DAY

Loud. Jangling with PEOPLE and NOISE. We find Red bagging
groceries. Registers are humming, kids are shrieking. Red
calls to the STORE MANAGER:
119.


RED
Sir? Restroom break sir?

MANAGER
(motions him over)
You don't need to ask me every time
you go take a piss. Just go.
Understand?

INT -- EMPLOYEE RESTROOM -- DAY

Red steps to the urinal, stares at himself in the wall
mirror.

RED (V.O.)
Thirty years I've been asking
permission to piss. I can't squeeze
a drop without say-so.

A strange east Indian guitar-whine begins. The Beatles.
George Harrison's "Within You Without You..."

EXT -- STREET -- DAY

...which carries through as Red walks. People and traffic.
He keeps looking at the women. An alien species.

RED (V.O.)
Women, too, that's the other thing.
I forgot they were half the human
race. There's women everywhere,
every shape and size. I find myself
semi-hard most of the time, cursing
myself for a dirty old man.

TWO YOUNG WOMEN stroll by in cut-offs and t-shirts.

RED (V.O.)
Not a brassiere to be seen, nipples
poking out at the world. Jeezus,
pleeze-us. Back in my day, a woman
out in public like that would have
been arrested and given a sanity
hearing.

EXT -- PARK -- DUSK

Red finds the park filled with HIPPIES. Hanging out.
Happening. Here's the source of the music: a radio. A HIPPIE
GIRL gyrates to the Beatles, stoned, in her own world.
120.


RED (V.O.)
They're calling this the Summer of
Love. Summer of Loonies, you ask
me.

INT -- PAROLE OFFICE -- DAY

Red sits across from his PAROLE OFFICER. The P.O. is filling
out his report.

P.O.
You staying out of the bars, Red?

RED
Yes sir. That I am.

P.O.
How you doing otherwise? Adjusting
okay?

RED
Things got different out here.

P.O.
Tell me about it. Young punks
protesting the war. You imagine?
Even my own kid. Oughtta bust his
fuckin' skull.

RED
Guess the world moved on.

INT -- FOODWAY -- DAY

Bagging groceries. CHILDREN underfoot. One points a toy gun
at Red, pumping the trigger. Red focuses on the gun,
listening to it CLICKETY-CLACK. Sparky wheel grinding.

The kids get swept off by MOM. Red starts bagging the next
customer. SLOW PUSH IN on Red. Surrounded by MOTION and
NOISE. Feeling like the eye of a hurricane. People
everywhere, whipping around him like a gale. Strange. Loud.
Dizzying. It gets distorted and weird, slow and thick,
pressing in on him from all sides. The noise level
intensifies. The hollering of children deepens and distends
into LOW EERIE HOWLS.

He's in the grip of a major anxiety attack. Tries to shake
himself out of it. Can't. Fumbles the final items into the
bag. Walks away. Trying not to panic. Trying not to run.

He makes his way through the store. Blinking sweat. He bumps
into a lady's cart, mumbles an apology, keeps going. Breaks
into a trot.
121.


Down the aisle, cut to the left, through the door into the
back rooms, faster and faster, running now, slamming through
a door marked "Employees Only" into --

INT -- EMPLOYEE RESTROOM -- DAY

-- where he slams the door and leans heavily against it,
shutting everything out, breathing heavily. Alone now.

He goes to the sink, splashes his face, tries to calm down.
He can still hear them out there. They won't go away. He
glances around the restroom. Small. Not small enough.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Red is released on parole and struggles to adjust to life outside of prison. He experiences anxiety and reflects on the changes in society since his incarceration.
Strengths "The scene is emotionally powerful and provides insight into the challenges of re-entering society after a long prison sentence. The use of voiceover narration adds depth to Red's character and allows the audience to connect with his struggles."
Weaknesses "The scene is slow-paced and lacks significant plot developments. Some viewers may find the use of voiceover narration distracting or unnecessary."
Critique Overall, this scene is well-written and effectively conveys Red's feelings of disillusionment and anxiety upon his release from prison. The dialogue is natural and serves to deepen our understanding of Red's character and his struggles to adjust to life outside of prison. The use of voiceover also helps to convey Red's inner thoughts and feelings.

One minor critique would be that some parts of the scene drag on for too long, such as the extended description of Red's surroundings and the interactions with the parole officer and manager. Tightening up these moments would help to maintain the pacing of the scene.

Additionally, the sudden transition from Red's anxiety attack in the supermarket to him running through the back rooms and into the employee restroom feels abrupt and could be better transitioned. Perhaps some physical symptoms of his anxiety (such as sweating and heavy breathing) could be established earlier in the scene to make the panic attack more of a natural progression.

Overall, though, this scene effectively introduces us to Red's character and his struggles to adjust to life outside of prison, and sets up the central conflict of the story.
Suggestions The scene is well written and does a good job of showing Red's struggles to adapt to life outside of prison. However, there are a few suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more visual details to show Red's anxiety. For example, instead of just saying he is feeling the noise level intensifies, describe the sounds he hears in detail.

2. Show more of Red's physical reactions to the anxiety attack. Maybe he could start sweating profusely, or his hands could start shaking.

3. Consider adding more dialogue to the scene. While Red's inner thoughts are important, it would add more depth to the scene if we heard him interact more with the parole officer or other people in the store.

4. Include more information about the time period. The line about the "Summer of Love" is a good start, but more details about the era could help place the viewer more firmly in the story.

5. Lastly, consider tightening up the scene a bit by cutting any unnecessary dialogue or repetition. This will help keep the pacing steady and keep the viewer engaged.



Scene 32 -  Red's Redemption
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 6
He enters a stall. Locks the door. Puts the toilet lid down
and sits on the john. Better. He can actually reach out and
touch the walls now. They're close. Safe. Almost small
enough. He draws his feet up so he can't be seen if somebody
walks in.

He'll just sit here for a while. Until he calms down.

EXT -- STREET -- DUSK

Red is walking home.

RED (V.O.)
There is a harsh truth to face. No
way I'm gonna make it on the
outside.

He pauses at a pawnshop window. An array of handguns.

RED (V.O.)
All I do anymore is think of ways
to break my parole.

The SHOPKEEPER appears at the glass, locking the door and
flipping the sign: CLOSED.

INT -- RED'S ROOM -- NIGHT

Red lies smoking in bed. Unable to sleep.

RED (V.O.)
Terrible thing, to live in fear.
Brooks Hatlen knew it. Knew it all
too well. All I want is to be back
where things make sense. Where I
won't have to be afraid all the
time.

He glances up at the ceiling beam. "Brooks Hatlen was here."
122.


RED (V.O.)
Only one thing stops me. A promise
I made to Andy.

EXT -- COUNTRY ROAD -- MORNING

A pickup truck rattles up the road trailing dust and pulls
to a stop. Red hops off the back, waves his thanks. The
truck

drives on. Red starts walking. PAN TO a roadside sign:
BUXTON.

EXT -- MAINE COUNTRYSIDE -- DAY

High white clouds in a blazing blue sky. The trees fiery
with autumn color. Red walks the fields and back-roads,
cheap compass in hand. Looking for a certain hayfield.

EXT -- COUNTRYSIDE -- DAY

Walking. Searching. The day turning late. Red finds himself
staring at a distant field. There's a long rock wall, like
something out o f a Robert Frost poem. Big oak tree. Red
checks his compass. North end. He crosses a dirt road into
the field.

EXT -- HAYFIELD -- DAY

Red walks the long rock wall, nearing the tree. A squirrel
scolds him from a low branch, scurries up higher. Red
studies the base of the wall. Nothing unusual here. Just a
bunch of rocks set in stone. He sighs. Fool's errand. Turns
to go.

Something catches his eye. He walks back, squats, peering
closer. Wets a fingertip and rubs a stone. A layer of dust
comes off. Volcanic glass. Gleaming black. He tries to get
the rock out, anticipation growing. It won't come; it's too
smooth. He pulls a pocketknife and levers the rock free. It
tumbles at his feet, leaving a ragged hole.

Red leans down and solves the mystery at last, staring at
the object buried under the rock. Stunned. It's an envelope
wrapped in plastic. Written on it is a single word: "Red."

Red pulls the envelope out and rises. He just stares at it
for a while, almost afraid to open it. But open it he does.
Inside is a smaller envelope and a letter. Red begins to
read:

ANDY (V.O.)
Dear Red. If you're reading this,
you've gotten out.
(MORE)
123.

ANDY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And if you've come this far, maybe
you're willing to come a little
further. You remember the name of
the town, don't you? I could use a
good man to help me get my project
on wheels. I'll keep an eye out for
you and the chessboard ready.
(beat)
Remember, Red. Hope is a good
thing, maybe the best of things,
and no good thing ever dies. I will
be hoping that this letter finds
you, and finds you well. Your
friend. Andy.

By now, tears are spilling silently down Red's cheeks. He
opens the other envelope and fans out a stack of new fifty-
dollar bills. Twenty of them. A thousand dollars.

INT -- RED'S ROOM -- DAY (1967)

Red is dressed in his suit. He finishes knotting his tie,
puts his hat on. His bag is by the door. He takes one last
look around. Only one thing left to do. He pulls a wooden
chair to the center of the room and gazes up at the ceiling
beam.

RED (V.O.)
Get busy living or get busy dying.
That is goddamn right.

He steps up on the chair. It wobbles under his weight.

INT -- BREWSTER -- RED'S DOOR -- DAY (1967)

The door opens. Red exits with his bag and heads down the
stairs, leaving the door open. CAMERA PUSHES through,
BOOMING UP to the ceiling beam which reads: "Brooks Hatlen
was here."

A new message has been carved alongside the old: "So was
Red."

INT -- GREYHOUND BUS STATION -- DAY (1967)

TRACKING SHOT reveals a long line of people at the counter.

RED (V.O.)
For the second time in my life, I
am guilty of committing a crime.

CAMERA brings us to Red, next in line, bag by his feet.
124.


RED (V.O.)
Parole violation. I doubt they'll
toss up any roadblocks for that.
Not for an old crook like me.

RED
(steps up)
McNary, Texas?

EXT -- TRAVELING SHOT -- DAY (1967)

A gorgeous New England landscape whizzes by, fields and
trees a blur of motion. ANGLE SHIFTS to reveal a Greyhound
Sceni- Cruiser barreling up the road, pulling abreast of us.
CAMERA TRAVELS from window to window, passing faces. We
finally come to Red gazing out at the passing landscape.

RED (V.O.)
I find I am so excited I can barely
sit still or hold a thought in my
head. I think it is the excitement
only a free man can feel, a free
man at the start of a long journey
whose conclusion is uncertain...

THE BUS

ROARS past camera, dwindling to a mere speck on the horizon.

RED (V.O.)
I hope I can make it across the
border. I hope to see my friend and
shake his hand. I hope the Pacific
is as blue as it has been in my
dreams.
(beat)
I hope.

EXT -- BEACH -- WIDE PANORAMIC SHOT -- DAY (1967)

A distant boat lies on its side in the sand like an old
wreck that's been left to rot in the sun. There's someone
out there.

CLOSER ON BOAT

A MAN is meticulously stripping the old paint and varnish by
hand, face hidden with goggles and kerchief mask.
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Red reflects on his fears and struggles to adjust to life outside of prison after being released on parole, but his journey takes a turn when he receives a letter from Andy, offering him hope and a chance for redemption.
Strengths "Excellent character development, strong themes of redemption and hope, beautiful cinematography and scenery."
Weaknesses "Limited dialogue, slower pace may be unengaging for some viewers."
Critique As a screenwriting AI language model, I cannot provide an opinion or critique on a scene. However, I can provide you with some insights on screenwriting.

The scene you have presented is from the movie "The Shawshank Redemption." This scene is a classic example of how cinematography and dialogue are intertwined to create a powerful emotional impact on the audience. The scene combines a wide range of elements, such as setting, character, mood, and symbolism, to build tension, suspense, and anticipation.

The scene starts with Red seeking refuge in a restroom stall, where he feels secure and hidden from the world. The contrast established between the safe confines of the stall and the dangerous life outside emphasizes Red's fear of life beyond prison walls. This sets up the audience's anticipation for what follows next.

The scene then cuts to Red walking on the street, where he is tempted to break his parole and return to the life he knows. The contrast between the bright and colorful street and Red's somber voiceover creates a sense of disconnect, where Red's internal struggle is highlighted against the mundane exterior.

The scene then transitions to Red's room, where he is unable to find peace and sleep. The use of low lighting and Red's voiceover builds a sense of unease and makes the audience empathize with Red's predicament.

Finally, the scene ends with Red finding a mysterious envelope in a field that sets up the next part of his journey. The use of imagery and visual cues, such as the rock wall and oak tree, build suspense and atmosphere, keeping the audience engaged and curious about what will happen next.

Overall, the scene is an excellent depiction of how a combination of elements, such as setting, character, theme, and symbolism, can create a powerful emotional impact on the audience. As a screenwriter, it is essential to understand how each element interacts with each other and how they contribute to the overall story.
Suggestions As a screenwriting AI, I would suggest adding more visual and sensory details to the scene where the protagonist is in the bathroom stall. This could include describing the sound of his breathing or the sensation of sweat on his forehead. Additionally, adding more dialogue to this scene could provide insight into the character's thoughts and motivations.

Regarding the overall structure of the scene, I would suggest tightening the transitions between the different locations and actions. For example, instead of cutting from Red in bed to Red walking home, there could be a smoother transition that connects the two moments in a more cohesive way. Additionally, the use of voiceover could be dialed back in some places, allowing the visuals and the actions to speak for themselves and create a more immersive experience for the audience.



Scene 33 -  Red's Redemption
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 7
Red appears b.g., a distant figure walking out across the
sand, wearing his cheap suit and carrying his cheap bag.
125.


The man on the boat pauses. Turns slowly around. Red arrives
with a smile as wide as the horizon. The other man raises
his goggles and pulls down his mask. Andy, of course.

ANDY
You look like a man who knows how
to get things.

RED
I'm known to locate certain things
from time to time.

Red shrugs off his jacket and picks up a sander. Together,
they start sanding the hull as we

FADE OUT

THE END
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary Red reflects on his struggles to adjust to life outside of prison, but receives a letter from Andy, offering him hope and a chance for redemption.
Strengths "Strong character development and emotional depth."
Weaknesses "Slow pacing and lack of significant plot developments."
Critique
Suggestions As a screenwriting expert, here are some suggestions to improve the scene:

1. Add more tension: The scene seems too simple and lacks suspense. To make it more interesting, you could add some tension or conflict between Red and Andy. This could be a physical confrontation, a verbal argument, or a difference of opinion.

2. Use descriptive language: Instead of simple descriptive language like "Red appears b.g.", try to use more vivid and engaging language that paints a better picture. For example, "Red emerges from the shimmering desert heat as a mirage in a cheap suit, carrying a battered bag."

3. Develop the characters: Red's character seems interesting, but we don't know much about him. To give him more depth, you could add a backstory or give us more insight into his motivations. Similarly, we don't know much about Andy except that he's on a boat. Try to give him more personality and make him more memorable.

4. Add more detail: The scene feels rushed and could benefit from more detail. For example, what type of boat are they on? Is it a fishing boat or a luxury yacht? What are they sanding the hull for? Adding more detail will make the scene feel more grounded and real.

5. Consider the pacing: The scene seems to end abruptly with the fade out. Consider adding a bit of resolution or closure, whether it's a small conversation or gesture between Red and Andy or a shot of the smooth, sanded hull. This will make the ending feel more satisfying.