Read fight Club with its analysis


See Full Analysis here



Scene 1 -  Jack and Tyler's Confrontation
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
F I G H T C L U B

by Jim Uhls

based on a novel by Chuck Palahnuik

2/16/98

--------------------------------------------------------------

SCREEN BLACK

JACK (V.O.)
People were always asking me, did I
know Tyler Durden.

FADE IN:

INT. SOCIAL ROOM - TOP FLOOR OF HIGH RISE -- NIGHT

TYLER has one arm around Jack's shoulder; the other hand
holds a HANDGUN with the barrel lodged in JACK'S MOUTH.
Tyler is sitting in Jack's lap.

They are both sweating and disheveled, both around 30; Tyler
is blond, handsome; and Jack, brunette, is appealing in a
dry sort of way. Tyler looks at his watch.

TYLER
One minute.
(looking out window)
This is the beginning. We're at
ground zero. Maybe you should say a
few words, to mark the occasion.

JACK
... i... ann....iinn.. ff....nnyin...

JACK (V.O.)
With a gun barrel between your teeth,
you only speak in vowels.

Jack tongues the barrel to the side of his mouth.

JACK
(still distorted)
I can't think of anything.

JACK (V.O.)
With my tongue, I can feel the
rifling in the barrel. For a second,
I totally forgot about Tyler's whole
controlled demolition thing and I
wondered how clean this gun is.

Tyler checks his watch.

TYLER
It's getting exciting now.

JACK (V.O.)
That old saying, how you always hurt
the one you love, well, it works both
way.

Jack turns so that he can see down -- 31 STORIES.

JACK (V.O.)
We have front row seats for this
Theater of Mass Destruction. The
Demolitions Committee of Project
Mayhem wrapped the foundation columns
of ten buildings with blasting
gelatin. In two minutes, primary
charges will blow base charges, and
those buildings will be reduced to
smoldering rubble. I know this
because Tyler knows this.

TYLER
Look what we've accomplised.
(checks watch)
Thirty seconds.

JACK (V.O.)
Somehow, I realize all of this -- the
gun, the bombs, the revolution -- is
really about Marla Singer.

PULL BACK from Jack's face. It's pressed against TWO LARGE
BREASTS that belong to...BOB, 45, a moose of a man. Jack is
engulfed by Bob in an intense embrace. Bob weeps openly.

JACK (V.O.)
Bob had bitch tits.

PULL BACK to wide on...

INT. CHURCH MEETING ROOM - NIGHT

Men are paired off, hugging, talking in emotional tones.
Near the door, a SIGN on a stand: "REMAINING MEN TOGETHER."

JACK (V.O.)
This was a support group for men with
testicular cancer. The big moosie
slobbering all over me was Bob.

BOB
We're still men.

JACK
Yes. We're men. Men is what we are.

JACK (V.O.)
Six months ago, Bob's testicles were
removed. Then hormone therapy. He
developed bitch tits because his
testosterone was too high and his
body upped the estrogen. That was
where my head fit -- into his huge,
sweating tits that hung enormous, the
way we think of God's as big.

BOB
They're gonna have to open my pec's
again to drain the fluid.

Bob hugs tighter; then looks with empathy into Jack's eyes.

BOB
Okay. You cry now.

Jack looks at Bob.

JACK (V.O.)
Wait. Back up. Let me start earlier.

INT. JACK'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Jack lies in bed, staring at the ceiling.

JACK (V.O.)
For six months. I could not sleep.

INT. COPY ROOM - DAY

Jack, sleepy, stands over a copy machine. His Starbucks cup
sits on the lid, moving back and forth as the machine copies.

JACK (V.O.)
With insomnia, nothing is real.
Everything is far away. Everything
is a copy of a copy of a copy.

Other people make copies, all with Starbucks cups, sipping.
Jack picks up his cup and his copies and leaves.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary In a high-rise building, Tyler holds a gun to Jack's mouth, revealing they are at ground zero for a controlled demolition. Jack, struggling to speak, reflects on his insomnia and involvement with Tyler's Project Mayhem. The scene shifts to a support group meeting where Bob, a man with testicular cancer, embraces Jack, highlighting the conflicts of masculinity and personal struggles.
Strengths
  • Unique concept
  • Strong character development
  • Emotional depth
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Effective tone setting
Weaknesses
  • Some may find the dark humor and intense themes unsettling or off-putting
Critique
  • The scene opens with a strong visual of Tyler holding a gun in Jack's mouth, creating tension and intrigue for the audience.
  • The use of voice-over narration adds depth to the scene by providing insight into Jack's thoughts and feelings.
  • The transition from the intense moment with the gun to the support group meeting is abrupt and may be disorienting for the audience.
  • The sudden shift from the high-stakes situation with the gun to the emotional support group setting could be smoother to maintain the flow of the story.
  • The introduction of Bob and his backstory with testicular cancer and hormone therapy feels out of place and disrupts the tension established in the opening scene.
  • The scene lacks a clear connection between the initial setup with the gun and the support group meeting, making it feel disjointed.
  • The focus on Bob's 'bitch tits' and the detailed description of his physical condition may come across as insensitive or inappropriate.
  • The transition from Jack's insomnia to the copy room scene feels disconnected and could be better integrated into the narrative.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the transition between the intense opening scene with the gun and the support group meeting to create a smoother flow.
  • Find a more seamless way to connect the different elements of the scene to maintain the audience's engagement and understanding.
  • Avoid introducing unrelated or jarring elements, such as Bob's backstory, that detract from the main storyline and tone of the scene.
  • Focus on maintaining the tension and intrigue established in the opening moments throughout the scene to keep the audience captivated.
  • Work on integrating Jack's insomnia and the copy room scene more effectively to ensure a cohesive narrative structure.



Scene 2 -  Jack's Dissatisfaction
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. JACK'S OFFICE - SAME

Jack, sipping, stares blankly at a Starbucks bag on the
floor, full of newspapers and FAST FOOD GARBAGE.

JACK (V.O.)
When deep space exploration ramps up,
it will be corporations that name
everything. The IBM Stellar Sphere.
The Philip Morris Galaxy. Planet
Starbucks.

Jack looks up as a pudgy man, Jack's BOSS, enters, Starbucks
cup in hand, and slides a stack of reports on Jack's desk.

BOSS
I'm going to need you out-of-town a
little more this week. We've got
some "red-flags" to cover.

JACK (V.O.)
It must've been Tuesday. he was
wearing his "cornflower-blue" tie.

JACK
(listless management speak)
You want me to de-prioritize my
current reports until you advise of
a status upgrade?

BOSS
You need to make these your primary
"action items."

JACK (V.O.)
He was full of pep. Must've had his
grande latte enema.

BOSS
Here are your flight coupons. Call
me from the road if there are any
snags. Your itinerary...

Jack hides a yawn, pretends to listen.

INT. BATHROOM - JACK'S CONDO - NIGHT

Jack sits on the toilet, CORDLESS PHONE to his ear, flips
through an IKEA catalog. There's a stack of old Playboy
magazines and other catalogs nearby.
JACK (V.O.)
Like everyone else, I had become a
slave to the IKEA nesting instinct.

JACK
(into phone)
Yes. I'd like to order the Erika
Pekkari slip covers.

Jack drops the open catalog on the floor.

MOVE IN ON CATALOG -- ON PHOTO of COFFEETABLE SET...

JACK (V.O.)
If I saw something like clever coffee
table sin the shape of a yin and
yang, I had to have it.

PAN TO PHOTO of ARMCHAIR...

JACK (V.O.)
Like the Johanneshov armchair in the
Strinne green stripe pattern...

INT. LIVING ROOM/DINING AREA/KITCHEN

The armchair APPEARS. PAN OVER next to armchair...

JACK (V.O.)
Or the Rislampa wire lamps of
environmentally-friendly unbleached
paper.

The lamps APPEAR. PAN OVER to wall...

JACK (V.O.)
Even the Vild hall clock of
galvanized steel, resting on the
Klipsk shelving unit.

The clock APPEARS as the shelving unit APPEARS on the wall.

JACK (V.O.)
I would flip through catalogs and
wonder, "What kind of dining set
defines me as a person?" We used to
read pornography. Now it was the
Horchow Collection.

A dining room set APPEARS. Jack, the cordless phone still
glued to his ear, walks INTO FRAME and continues.
JACK
No, I don't want Cobalt. Oh, that
sounds nice. Apricot.

Jack opens a cabinet, takes out a plate.

JACK (V.O.)
I had it all. Even the glass dishes
with tiny bubbles and imperfections,
proof they were crafted by the
honest, simple, hard-working
indigenous peoples of wherever.

He rummages through the refrigerator. It's practically
empty. Jack takes out a jar of mustard, opens it and uses
a butter knife to eat it.

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY

Jack, eyes puffy, face pale, sits before an INTERN, who
studies him with bemusement.

INTERN
No, you can't die of insomnia.

JACK
Maybe I died already. Look at my
face.

INTERN
You need to lighten up.

JACK
Can't you give me something?

JACK (V.O.)
Red-and-blue Tuinal, lipstick-red
Seconals.

INTERN
(overlapping w/ above)
You need healthy, natural sleep.
Chew valerian root and get some more
exercise.

The Intern ushes Jack to the door. They step into the...

INT. HALLWAY

The Intern walks away from Jack, picks up a chart.
JACK
I'm in pain.

INTERN
(facetious)
You want to see pain? Swing by First
Methodist Tuesday nights. See the
guys with testicular cancer. That's
pain.

The Intern moves into the other room. Jack stares after him.

EXT. FIRST METHODIST CHURCH - NIGHT

Jack heads for the front door.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary In this scene, Jack, an expert on space exploration, expresses apathy towards his work and escapes into his thoughts on corporations naming celestial bodies. Despite his dissatisfaction, his boss assigns him more work, further disillusioning him. Jack indulges in consumerism, ordering IKEA furniture from a catalog, which magically appears around him. He seeks medical help for insomnia but is dismissed by the intern. The scene ends with Jack exiting the doctor's office, heading towards First Methodist Church.
Strengths
  • Deep exploration of character
  • Unique concept and themes
  • Effective use of dark comedy and satire
Weaknesses
  • Limited external conflict
  • Subdued emotional impact
Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of direction and purpose, with Jack's actions and thoughts feeling disjointed and random.
  • The dialogue between Jack and his boss is overly convoluted and unrealistic, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
  • The transition between Jack's office, bathroom, and doctor's office feels abrupt and disjointed, lacking a smooth flow.
  • The visual elements of the scene, such as the magically appearing furniture and the catalog items materializing, come across as forced and gimmicky.
  • The inner monologue of Jack, while attempting to provide insight into his character, feels disconnected from the overall narrative and slows down the pacing of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Streamline the dialogue between Jack and his boss to make it more natural and engaging for the audience.
  • Focus on a central theme or conflict in the scene to give it a sense of purpose and direction.
  • Improve the transitions between different locations to create a smoother flow of the narrative.
  • Reconsider the visual elements to make them more organic and integral to the storytelling, rather than feeling like gimmicks.
  • Revise Jack's inner monologue to align more closely with the overall tone and pacing of the screenplay.



Scene 3 -  Emotional Release and Connection
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. FIRST METHODIST CHURCH MEETING ROOM - NIGHT

Jack stares at a group of men, including Bob, who are all
listening to a group member speak at a lectern. The SPEAKER
has pale skin and sunken eyes -- he's clearly dying.

SPEAKER
I... wanted three kids. Two boys and
a girl. Mindy wanted two girls and
one boy. We never could agree on
anything.

The Speaker cracks a sad smile. Some men chuckle, happy to
lighten the mood.

SPEAKER
Well, she had her first child a month
ago, a girl, with her new husband...
And, Thank God. I'm glad for her,
because she deserves...

The speaker breaks down, WEEPS UNCONTROLLABLY.

Jack watches. A couple of the men go up to the speaker,
comforting him, leading him away. A LEADER takes the stand.

LEADER
Everyone, let's thank Thomas for
sharing himself with us.

Jack, uncomfortable, joins EVERYONE ELSE:

EVERYONE
(in unison)
Thank you, Thomas.
LEADER
I look around this room and I see a
lot of courage. And it gives me
strength. We give each other
strength.

Jack looks around. Many of the men are sniffling, sobbing.
Jack squirms in his seat.

LEADER
It's time for the one-on-one. Let's
follow Thomas's example and open
ourselves.

Everyone gets out of their chairs and begins pairing-off.
Jack stands, uncomfortable.

LEADER
Can everyone find a partner?

Bob, his chin down on his chest, starts toward Jack,
shuffling his feet.

JACK (V.O.)
The big moosie, his eyes already
shrink-wrapped in tears. Knees
together, invisible steps.

Bob takes Jack into an embrace.

JACK (V.O.)
Bob was a champion bodybuilder. You
know that chest expansion program you
see on TV? That was his idea.

BOB
...using steroids. I was a juicer.
Diabonol, then, Wisterol -- it's for
racehorses, for Christsake. Now I'm
bankrupt, divorced, my two grown kids
won't return my calls...

JACK (V.O.)
Strangers with this kind of honesty
make me go a big rubbery one.

Bob breaks into sobbing, putting his head on Jack's shoulder
and completely covering Jack's face. After a long beat of
crying, Bob raises up his head, looks at Jack's NAMETAG.

BOB
Go ahead, Cornelius. You can cry.
They look at each other. Slowly, Jack's eyes grow wet.

JACK (V.O.)
Then... something happened. I was
lost in oblivion -- dark and silent
and complete.

Bob pulls Jack's head back into his chest. Jack tightens
his arms around Bob.

JACK (V.O.)
I found freedom. Losing all hope was
freedom.

Jack pulls away from Bob. On Bob's chest, there's a WET
MASK of Jack's face from how he looks weeping.

JACK (V.O.)
Babies don't sleep this well.

INT. JACK'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Jack lies sound asleep.

JACK (V.O.)
I became addicted.

INT. SMALL PROTESTANT CHURCH - NIGHT

Jack moves into a "group hug" of sickly people, men and
women. In view is a sign by the door "Free and Clear."

INT. OFFICE BUILDING BASEMENT - NIGHT

Jack stands with a weeping middle-aged WOMAN. He begins to
cry along with her. A sign by the door: "Onward and Upward."

JACK (V.O.)
If I didn't say anything, people
assumed the worst. They cried
harder. I cried harder.

INT. PUBLIC BUILDING CONFERENCE ROOM - NIGHT

Everyone, including Jack, sits back in their seats, EYES
CLOSED. The Leader speaks into a microphone.

LEADER
Tonight, we're going to open the
green door -- the heart chakra...
JACK (V.O.)
I wasn't really dying, I wasn't host
to cancer or parasites; I was the
warm little center that the life of
this world crowded around.

LEADER
...And you open the door and you
step inside. We're inside our
hearts. Now, imaging your pain as a
white ball of healing light. That's
right, the pain itself is a ball of
healing light.

Jack, eyes closed, is silent...

LEADER
It moves over your body, healing you.
Keep this going and step forward,
through the back door of the room.
Where does it lead? To your cave.
Step forward into your cave.

INT. CAVE - JACK'S IMAGINATION

Jack walks along, moving through an ICE CAVERN...

LEADER'S VOICE
That's right. You're going deeper
into your cave. And you're going to
find your power animal...

Jack comes upon a PENGUIN. The penguin looks at him, cocks
his head to signal Jack forward.

PENGUIN
Slide.

The penguin jumps onto a patch of ICE and slides away.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

Jack walks out a doorway, saying goodbye to people. He
walks down the sidewalk, shining with peace.

JACK (V.O.)
Every evening I died and every
evening I was born again. Resurrected.

CUT BACK TO:
Genres: ["Drama"]

Summary In a support group meeting, Jack witnesses the emotional breakdown of a dying speaker, leading to an outpouring of empathy. Jack pairs up with Bob, a man struggling with addiction, and finds solace in their shared vulnerability. Jack's initial discomfort transforms into a sense of freedom and peace, highlighting the power of emotional connection and support.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Character development
  • Vulnerability in storytelling
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external plot progression
  • Limited external conflict
Critique
  • The scene effectively captures the emotional vulnerability and shared pain of the support group meeting, but it could benefit from more nuanced character development and dialogue.
  • The dialogue feels somewhat cliched and lacks depth, especially in the Speaker's monologue and Bob's confession about his struggles.
  • The visual descriptions are vivid and help set the tone of the scene, but there is a lack of subtlety in conveying Jack's emotional journey.
  • The transition between Jack's inner thoughts and the external interactions could be smoother to enhance the audience's understanding of his internal conflict.
  • The scene could explore the dynamics between Jack, Bob, and the other support group members in more detail to add layers to their relationships.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more complexity to the characters' backstories and motivations to make them more relatable and engaging.
  • Work on crafting more authentic and impactful dialogue that delves deeper into the characters' emotions and struggles.
  • Focus on creating a seamless transition between Jack's internal reflections and the external interactions to enhance the audience's connection with his journey.
  • Explore the dynamics between the characters in the support group meeting to add depth and richness to their relationships.
  • Consider incorporating subtle visual cues to convey Jack's emotional transformation more effectively.



Scene 4 -  Nightmares and Support Groups
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. FIRST METHODIST CHURCH MEETING ROOM - RESUMING
Jack's still in an embrace with Bob.

JACK (V.O.)
Bob loved me because he thought my
testicles were removed too. Being
there, my face against his tits,
ready to cry -- this was my vacation.

MARLA SINGER enters. She has short matte black hair and
big, dark eyes like a character from japanese animation.

JACK (V.O.)
And, she ruined everything.

Marla looks around, raises a cigarette to her lips.

MARLA
This is cancer, right?

Bob and Jack stare, dumbfounded.

INT. FIRST METHODIST CHURCH MEETING ROOM - LATER

Everyone paired-off. MOVE THROUGH ROOM... FIND JACK'S FACE
as he stares... MOVE THROUGH ROOM... FIND MARLA'S FACE.
She's drinking coffee, smoking a cigarette.

JACK (V.O.)
This ... chick ... Marla Singer ...
did not have testicular cancer. She
was a liar.

INT. SMALL PROTESTANT CHURCH - NIGHT

Marla sits with the group, smoking, listening intently while
a member speaks. Jack spies on her.

JACK (V.O.)
She had no diseases at all. I had
seen her at my melanoma Monday night
group ...

INT. CATHOLIC CATHEDRAL - NIGHT

Marla sits at the end of a row, smoking. All the faces down
the row are turned toward her, incredulous...

JACK (V.O.)
... and at "Free and Clear," my blood
parasites group Thursdays.
Jack leans out further than the others, scornful.

JACK (V.O.)
-- And, again, at "Seize The Day," my
tuberculosis Friday night.

CUT BACK TO:

INT. FIRST METHODIST CHURCH MEETING ROOM - ANOTHER NIGHT

Jack watches... Marla's eyes are closed, her head on the
shoulder of the MAN she's embraced by. She opens her eyes,
catching Jack's stare. Jack looks away.

JACK (V.O.)
Marla -- the big tourist. Her lie
reflected my lie.

Marla rests her chin on the man's shoulder. Tears roll down
her cheeks. She wipes at them.

EXT. FIRST METHODIST CHURCH - NIGHT

Marla walks out, The support group's dispersing. Jack
exits amongst them. He spots Marla walking away.

JACK (V.O.)
And suddenly, I felt nothing. I
couldn't cry. So, once again, I
could not sleep.

Jack stares after Marla for a long moment. He walks away.

INT. BEDROOM - LATER

Jack, in underwear, is cross-legged on the floor, assembling
IKEA furniture, CORDLESS PHONE shouldered to his ear.

JACK
(into phone)
No, I just can't believe that card is
declined -- Okay, okay, let me give
you a different card number.

Jack gets his wallet off the floor, pulls out another card
and, MOS over the following, he reads it into the phone.

JACK (V.O.)
Next group, after guided meditation,
after we open our chakras, when it's
time to hug, I'm going to grab that
little bitch, Marla Singer, pin her
arms against her sides and say...

INT. MEETING ROOM - NIGHT - JACK'S IMAGINATION

CLOSE ON JACK as he CLAMPS his arms around Marla.

JACK
Marla, you liar, you big tourist. I
need this. Get out.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Jack, in pajamas, stares at Home Shopping Network on his TV.

JACK (V.O.)
When you have insomnia, you're never
really asleep and you're never really
awake. I hadn't slept in four days...

INT. SMALL PROTESTANT CHURCH - NIGHT

Jack walks in and joins the crowd, looking around. People
are chattering with each other.

JACK (V.O.)
-- But, in here, in everyone, there's
the squint of a five-day headache.
Yet they forced themselves to be
positive. They never said
"parasite;" they said "agent." They
always talked about getting better.

LEADER
Okay, everyone.

Everyone sits in chairs. Jack catches sight of Marla.

LEADER
To open tonight's communion, Chloe
would like to say a few words.

Taking the lectern is CHLOE, a pale, sickly girl whose skin
stretches yellowish and tight over her bones. She wears a
head bondage. She clears her throat.

JACK (V.O.)
Ahh, Chloe. Chloe looked the way
Joni Mitchell's skeleton would look
if you made it smile and walk around
a party being extra nice to everyone.

CHLOE
Well, I'm still here -- but I don't
know for how long. That's as much
certainty as anyone can give me. but
I've got some good news -- I no
longer have any fear of death.

APPLAUSE from around the room.

CHLOE
But... I am in a pretty lonely place.
No one will have sex with me. I'm so
close to the end and all I want is to
get laid for the last time. I have
pornographic movies in my apartment,
and lubricants and amyl nitrate ...

The LEADER gingerly takes control of the microphone.

LEADER
Thank you, Chloe. Everyone, let's
thank Chloe.

EVERYONE
Thank you, Chloe.

INT. SMALL PROTESTANT CHURCH - LATER

LEADER
Now, you're standing at the entrance
to your cave. You step inside your
cave and you walk. Keep walking.

Jack's face, eyes closed, is motionless.

JACK (V.O.)
If I did have a tumor, I'd name it
Marla. Marla...the little scratch on
the roof of your mouth that would
heal if only you could stop tonguing
it, but you can't.

LEADER
Now, find your power animal.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Jack struggles with insomnia and confronts Marla Singer's dishonesty. Attending support groups, he witnesses Chloe's fearless desires and a leader guiding attendees to find their power animal.
Strengths
  • Complex characters
  • Emotional depth
  • Dark humor
Weaknesses
  • Some may find the dark themes unsettling
Critique
  • The scene transitions between different locations and time frames quite abruptly, which can be disorienting for the audience.
  • The introduction of Marla Singer feels rushed and lacks depth in terms of character development.
  • The inner monologue of Jack, while providing insight into his thoughts, can be excessive and detract from the flow of the scene.
  • The dialogue between characters, especially Marla and Jack, lacks depth and emotional resonance, making their interactions feel superficial.
  • The visual descriptions could be enhanced to create a more vivid and immersive setting for the audience.
  • The pacing of the scene feels uneven, with moments of intense emotion followed by lulls in the narrative.
  • The transition between Jack assembling IKEA furniture and attending support group meetings feels disjointed and could be smoother.
  • The scene lacks a clear central conflict or driving force to propel the narrative forward.
Suggestions
  • Consider restructuring the scene to have a more cohesive flow between different locations and time frames.
  • Develop Marla Singer's character more fully to add depth and complexity to her interactions with Jack.
  • Streamline the inner monologue of Jack to focus on key insights and emotions that drive the scene forward.
  • Revise the dialogue to be more impactful and emotionally resonant, especially in the interactions between Jack and Marla.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more immersive and engaging setting for the audience.
  • Work on pacing to maintain a consistent rhythm throughout the scene, balancing moments of intensity with quieter moments.
  • Smooth out transitions between different scenes and actions to create a more seamless narrative flow.
  • Introduce a central conflict or driving force to give the scene a clear purpose and direction.



Scene 5 -  Confrontation in the Support Group Meeting
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. CAVE - JACK'S IMAGINATION

Jack finds Marla smoking a cigarette. Marla cocks her head,
indicating whe wants him to --

MARLA
Slide.
INT. SMALL PROTESTANT CHURCH - RESUMING

Jack's eyes open and turn to Marla, watching her blow smoke
rings with her eyes closed.

INT. SMALL PROTESTANT CHURCH - LATER

Everyone stands and mills about, pairing-off.

LEADER
Pick someone special to you tonight.

Jack sees the ghastly spectre of Chloe ambling towards him.
He tries to smile. She smiles with a twisted, dying mouth.

CHLOE
Hello, Mr. Tayler.

JACK (V.O.)
I never gave my real name at support
groups.

JACK
Hi, Chloe.

CHLOE
We've never actually talked.

Chloe's eyes are eerily bright with desperation. Jack, in
a sincere attempt at levity, chokes out:

JACK
You look good. You ... look ... like
a pirate.

Chloe laughs, a little too much. Jack squeezes out a laugh.
Then he sees Marla, off by herself. Someone heads for her.

JACK
Excuse me, I have to...

Jack gives a quick nod to Chloe and darts towards Marla.
Chloe watches him go.

STAY ON JACK AND MARLA as Jack CLAMPS his arms around her.
He whispers into her ear.

JACK
We need to talk.

MARLA
Sure.
JACK
I'm on to you. You're a faker. You
aren't dying.

MARLA
What?

JACK
Okay, in the Sylvia Plath philosophy
way, we're all dying. But you're not
dying the way Chloe is dying.

LEADER
Tell the other person how you feel.

JACK
You're a tourist. I saw you at
melanoma, tuberculosis and testicular
cancer.

MARLA
And I saw you practicing this...

JACK
Practicing what?

MARLA
Telling me off. Is it going as well
as you hoped... ?
(reads his nametag)
"... Mr. Taylor."

JACK
I'll expose you.

MARLA
Go ahead. I'll expose you.

LEADER
Share yourself completely.

Marla puts her head down on Jack's shoulder as if she were
crying. Jack pulls her head back up. She deadpans at him.

JACK
Why are you doing this?

MARLA
It's cheaper than a movie, and
there's free coffee.
JACK
These are my groups. I was here
first. I've been coming for a year.

MARLA
A year? How'd you manage that?

JACK
Anyone who might've noticed either
died or recovered and never came back.

LEADER
Let yourself cry.

MARLA
Why do you do it?

JACK
I... I don't know. I guess... when
people think you're dying, they
really listen, instead...

MARLA
-- Instead of just waiting for their
turn to speak.

JACK
Yeah.

Brief recognition between them, broken as the Leader passes.

LEADER
Quietly, now. Share with each other.

Jack waits till the Leader's out of earshot.

JACK
(warning)
It becomes an addiction.

MARLA
Really?

Jack sighs, then pulls back.

JACK
Look, I can't cry with a faker
present.

MARLA
Candy-stripe a cancer ward. It's not
my problem.
JACK
Please. Can't we do something... ?

Marla starts out of the room. Jack follows her.

LEADER
Now, the closing prayer.

EXT. CHURCH - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Marla gets to the sidewalk, moving quickly along.

JACK
We'll split up the week. You can
have lymphoma, tuberculosis and --

MARLA
You take tuberculosis. My smoking
doesn't go over at all.

JACK
I think testicular cancer should be
no contest.

MARLA
Well, technically, I have more of a
right to be there than you. You
still have your balls.

JACK
You're kidding.

MARLA
I don't know -- am I?

Jack follow Marla into...
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Jack confronts Marla in a support group meeting, accusing her of being a faker. They have a tense conversation about their reasons for attending the group and their motivations. The scene ends with Jack following Marla out of the church.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Character development
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic or on-the-nose
Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear focus and direction, with multiple conversations happening simultaneously without a central theme or conflict driving the interaction.
  • The dialogue feels forced and lacks authenticity, especially in the confrontational exchange between Jack and Marla. The lines come across as contrived and do not flow naturally.
  • The emotional depth and complexity of the characters are not fully explored, leading to superficial interactions and a lack of genuine connection between Jack and Marla.
  • The transition between Jack's internal monologue and the external dialogue is abrupt and disjointed, making it challenging for the audience to follow the scene's emotional arc.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues and descriptive elements to create a richer and more immersive setting, enhancing the audience's engagement with the characters and their emotions.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing a central conflict or theme that drives the interaction between Jack and Marla, providing a clear direction for the scene.
  • Work on refining the dialogue to make it more authentic and reflective of the characters' emotions and motivations, creating a more natural flow of conversation.
  • Explore the emotional depth and complexity of Jack and Marla's relationship, delving into their vulnerabilities and fears to create a more compelling and genuine interaction.
  • Smooth out the transitions between Jack's internal thoughts and the external dialogue, ensuring a seamless and coherent narrative flow that enhances the scene's emotional impact.
  • Enhance the visual elements of the scene by incorporating more descriptive details and sensory cues to create a vivid and immersive setting that draws the audience into the characters' emotional journey.



Scene 6 -  The Illness Exchange
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. LAUNDROMAT - CONTINUOUS

Marla walks with authority up to an unwatched DRYER. She
takes out clothes, picks out jeans, pants and shirts.

MARLA
I'll take the parasites.

JACK
You can't have both parasites. You
can take blood parasites --

MARLA
I want brain parasites.
JACK
Okay. I'll take blood parasites and
organic brain dementia --

MARLA
I want that.

JACK
You can't have the whole brain!

MARLA
So far, you have four and I only have
two!

JACK
Then, take blood parasites. It's
yours. Now we each have three.

Marla gathers the chosen garments and heads out past Jack...

EXT. SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS

Jack follows, bewildered.

JACK
You... left half your clothes.

HONK! Jack starts. Marla's led him into the street with
traffic barreling down.

Marla walks on, oblivious as CARS screech to a halt, HORNS
BLARING. Jack dashes, following...

INT. THRIFT STORE - CONTINUOUS

Marla drops the pile of clothes on a counter. An old CLERK
sifts through the clothes, begins writing on a pad.

JACK
You're selling those?

Marla steps down hard on Jack's foot. He winces in pain.

MARLA
(for the Clerk to hear)
Yes, I'm selling some chothes.

The Clerk starts to ring up the assessed amounts.

MARLA
So, we each have three -- that's six.
What about the seventh day? I want
ascending bowel cancer.

JACK (V.O.)
The girl had done her homework.

JACK
I want ascending bowel cancer.

The Clerk gives a strange look as he hands money to Marla.

MARLA
That's your favorite, too? Tried to
slip it by me, eh?

JACK
We'll split it. You get it the first
and third Sunday of the month.

MARLA
Deal.

They shake. Jack tries to withdraw his hand; Marla holds it.

MARLA
Looks like this is goodbye.

JACK
Let's not make a big thing out of it.

She walks to the door, pocketing money, not looking back.

MARLA
How's this for not making a big thing?

Jack watches her go. A moment, then he follows after...

EXT. SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS

Jack hesitates, unsure, then run/walks to catch up to her...

JACK
Um... Marla, should we maybe exchange
numbers?

MARLA
Should we?

JACK
In case we want to switch nights.

MARLA
I suppose.

Jack takes out a business card, writes his number on the
back, hands it to her. She takes the pen, grabs his hand
and writes her number on his palm. She walks into the
street, causing more SCREECHING and HONKING. She turns,
holds up the card.

MARLA
It doesn't have your name. Who are
you? Cornelius? Mr. Taylor? Dr.
Zaius? Any of the stupid names you
give each night?

Jack starts to answer, but the traffic noise is too loud.
Marla just shakes her head, turns, and keeps moving. A BUS
moves into view, obscuring her.

JACK (V.O.)
This is how I met Marla Singer.

INT. AIRPLANE CABIN - DAY

The plane touches down; the cabin BUMPS. Jack's eyes open.

JACK (V.O.)
You wake up at O'Hare.

INT. AIRPLANE CABIN - DAY

Jack snaps awake again, looking around, disoriented.

JACK (V.O.)
You wake up at SeaTac.

EXT. HIGHWAY - DUSK

The rear of a CRASHED CAR sticks up by the side of the road.
Jack stands, marking on a clipboard. The SUN SETS behind.

INT. AIRPORT - NIGHT

Jack stands at a gate counter. An ATTENDANT smiles at him.

ATTENDANT
Check-in for that flight doesn't
begin for another two hours, Sir.

Jack looks with blearing eyes at his watch, steps away and
looks at an overhanging CLOCK.

JACK (V.O.)
Pacific, Mountain, Central. Lose an
hour, gain an hour. This is your
life, and it's ending one minute at
a time.

INT. AIRPLANE CABIN - DAY

Jack's eyes snap open as the plane LANDS.

JACK (V.O.)
You wake up at Air Harbor
International.

INT. AIRPORT WALKWAY

Jack stands on a conveyor belt, briefcase at his feet. He
watches PEOPLE MOVING PAST on the opposite conveyor.

JACK (V.O.)
If you wake up at a different time
and in a different place, could you
wake up as a different person?

Jack misses seeing TYLER on the opposite conveyor belt.
They pass each other.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Marla and Jack have a strange conversation about exchanging illnesses, agreeing to split the seventh illness, ascending bowel cancer. They exchange phone numbers, but Jack doesn't learn Marla's name before she walks away, leaving him wondering about her identity. The scene ends with Jack at an airport, watching people pass by on the opposite conveyor belt.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Dark humor
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Subtle conflict
  • Moderate emotional impact
Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, with disjointed and confusing interactions between Jack and Marla.
  • The dialogue between Jack and Marla feels forced and unnatural, lacking depth and authenticity.
  • The transition between different locations and interactions is abrupt and disorienting, making it difficult for the audience to follow the scene.
  • The scene fails to establish a clear emotional connection or conflict between Jack and Marla, resulting in a lack of engagement for the audience.
  • The visual elements and actions in the scene, such as Marla walking into traffic and the exchange of numbers, feel contrived and unrealistic.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing a clear and meaningful interaction between Jack and Marla that drives the scene forward.
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more authentic and reflective of the characters' motivations and emotions.
  • Smooth out the transitions between locations and interactions to create a more cohesive and engaging narrative flow.
  • Establish a stronger emotional connection or conflict between Jack and Marla to captivate the audience and drive the scene's impact.
  • Consider revising the visual elements and actions to make them more grounded and believable within the context of the scene.



Scene 7 -  Transient Connections and Mechanical Assessments
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. AIRPLANE CABIN - IN FLIGHT - NIGHT

Jack sits next to a BUSINESSMAN. As they have idle
CONVERSATION, we MOVE IN ON Jack's tray. An ATTENDANT'S
HANDS set coffee down with a small container of cream.

JACK (V.O.)
Everywhere I travel -- tiny life.
Single-serving sugar, single-serving
cream, single pat of butter.

CUT TO:

HANDS place a dinner tray down.

JACK (V.O.)
Microwave Cordon Bleu hobby kit.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - BATHROOM - NIGHT

Jack brushes his teeth in the MIRROR.

JACK (V.O.)
Shampoo/conditioner combo. Single-
serving mouthwash, tiny bar of soap.
Jack picks up an individual, wrapped Q-TIP, looks at it. He
moves out of the bathroom into...

MAIN ROOM

Jack sits on the bed. He turns on the TV. It's tuned to
the "Sheraton Channel," shows WAITERS serving people in a
large BANQUET ROOM. Jack stops brushing his teeth, feels
something on the bed, lifts it -- a small DINNER MINT.

INT. AIRPLANE CABIN - IN FLIGHT - NIGHT

Jack sits next to a frumpy WOMAN. They chat. Jack turns to
look at his food, takes a bite. He turns back and it's...

--a BALD MAN next to him, talking. Jack takes another bite,
turns back and it's...

--a BUSINESSMAN next to him. Jack takes another bite, turns
back, and it's...

--a BUSINESS WOMAN next to him.

JACK (V.O.)
The people I meet on each flight --
they're single-serving friends.
Between take-off and landing, we have
our time together, but that's all we
get.

INT. AIRPLANE CABIN - LANDING

Jack's eyes snap open.

JACK (V.O.)
You wake up at Logan.

INT. WAREHOUSE - CONTINUOUS

A giant corrugated METAL DOOR opens.

JACK (V.O.)
On a long enough time line, the
survival rate for everyone drops to
zero.

Two TECHNICIANS lead Jack to the BURNT-OUT SHELL of a
WRECKED AUTOMOBILE. Jack sets down his briefcase, opens it
and starts to make notes on a CLIPBOARDED FORM.

JACK (V.O.)
I'm a recall coordinator. My job is
to apply the formula. It's a story
problem.

TECHNICIAN #1
Here's where the infant went through
the windshield. Three points.

JACK (V.O.)
A new car built by my company leaves
somewhere traveling at 60 miles per
hour. The rear differential locks up.

TECHNICIAN #2
The teenager's braces around the
backseat ashtray would make a good
"anti-smoking" ad.

JACK (V.O.)
The car crashes and burns with
everyone trapped inside. Now: do we
initiate a recall?

TECHNICIAN #1
The father must've been huge. See
how the fat burnt into the driver's
seat with his polyester shirt? Very
"modern art."

JACK (V.O.)
Take the number of vehicles in the
field, (A), and multiply it by the
probable rate of failure, (B), then
multiply the result by the average
out-of-court settlement, (C). A
times B times C equals X...

CUT TO:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Traveling, Jack observes superficial interactions on a plane, comparing them to single-serving amenities. He reflects on his job as a recall coordinator, assessing car crashes. Examining a burnt-out car, he considers factors for recall decisions.
Strengths
  • Effective exploration of themes
  • Strong character development
  • Clever use of visual and narrative techniques
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Subtle emotional impact
Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction, with Jack's observations about single-serving amenities feeling disconnected from the overall narrative.
  • The transition between different settings and interactions feels abrupt and disjointed, making it challenging for the audience to follow the sequence of events.
  • The voice-over narration by Jack, while providing insight into his thoughts, does not effectively enhance the scene or contribute to character development.
  • The scene relies heavily on visual cues and actions without substantial dialogue or meaningful interactions between characters, resulting in a lack of depth and engagement.
  • The theme of 'single-serving friends' and the metaphorical comparison to everyday items feels forced and does not add significant value to the scene or the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider streamlining the scene to focus on a specific interaction or event that advances the plot or character development.
  • Integrate more meaningful dialogue or interactions between Jack and other characters to create depth and emotional resonance.
  • Ensure a smoother transition between different settings and moments to maintain coherence and engagement for the audience.
  • Explore ways to convey Jack's internal thoughts and reflections in a more organic and integrated manner, rather than relying solely on voice-over narration.
  • Revisit the thematic elements introduced in the scene to ensure they align with the overall narrative and contribute to the story's progression.



Scene 8 -  The Panic Plane
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. AIRPLANE CABIN - MOVING DOWN RUNWAY

Jack is speaking to the BUSINESSWOMAN next to him.

JACK
If X is less than the cost of a
recall, we don't do one.

BUSISNESS WOMAN
Are there a lot of these kinds of
accidents?

JACK
Oh, you wouldn't believe.
BUSINESS WOMAN
... Which... car company do you work
for?

JACK
A major one.

Turgid silence. Jack turns to the window. He sees a
PELICAN get SUCKED into the TURBINE.

JACK (V.O.)
Every time the plane banked too
sharply on take-off or landing, I
prayed for a crash, or a mid-air
collision -- anything.

Jack's face remains bland during the following: the plane
BUCKLES -- the cabin wobbles. People panic. Masks drop.

JACK (V.O.)
No more haircuts. Nothing matters,
not even bad breath.

The side of the plane SHEARS OFF! Screaming PASSENGERS are
sucked out into the night air, flying past the quivering
wind. Magazines and other objects fly everywhere.

JACK (V.O.)
Life insurance pays off triple if you
die on a business trip.

Jack remains in his same position, same bland expression.

DING! -- the seatbelt light goes OUT. Jack SNAPS AWAKE.
EVERYTHING IS NORMAL. Some passengers get out of their
seats. From next to Jack, a VOICE we've heard before...

VOICE
There are three ways to make napalm.
One, mix equal parts of gasoline and
frozen orange juice...

Jack turns to see TYLER. Without turned to Jack, Tyler
continues:

TYLER
Two, equal parts gasoline and diet
cola. Three, dissolve kitty-litter
in gasoline until the mixture is
thick.
JACK
Pardon me?

Tyler turns to Jack.

JACK (V.O.)
This is how I met --

TYLER
Tyler Durden.

Tyler offers his hand. Jack takes it.

TYLER
You know why they have oxygen masks
on planes?

JACK
No, supply oxygen?

TYLER
Oxygen gets you high. In a
catastrophic emergency, we're taking
giant, panicked breaths...

Tyler grabs a safety instruction CARD from the seatback,
hands it to Jack.

TYLER
Suddenly, we become euphoic and
docile. We accept our fate.

Tyler points to passive faces on the drawn figures.

TYLER
Emergency water landing, 600 miles
per hour. Blank faces -- calm as
Hindu cows.

Jack laughs.

JACK
What do you do, Tyler?

TYLER
What do you want me to do?

JACK
I mean -- for a living.

TYLER
Why? So you can say, "Oh, that's
what you do." -- And be a smug little
shit about it?

Jack laughs. Tyler reaches under the seat in front of him
and lifts a BRIEFCASE.

TYLER
You have a kind of sick desperation
in your laugh.

Jack points to his own briefcase.

JACK
We have the same briefcase.

Tyler turns the top of his briefcase toward Jack.

TYLER
Open it.

Jack looks at Tyler, then pops the latches and raises the
lid to reveal quaintly-wrapped bars of SOAP.

TYLER
Soap -- the yardstick of civilization.
(reaches in his pocket)
I make and sell soap...

Tyler hands Jack his card. "THE PAPER STREET SOAP COMPANY."

TYLER
If you were to add nitric acid to the
soap-making process, one would get
nitroglycerin. With enough soap, one
could blow up the world, if one were
so inclined.

Tyler SNAPS the briefcase shut. Jack stares.

JACK
Tyler, you are by far the most
interesting "single-serving" friend
I've ever met.

Tyler stares back. Jack, enjoying his own chance to be
witty, leans closer to Tyler.

JACK
You see, when you travel, everything
is small, self-contained--

TYLER
The spork. I get it. You're very
clever.

JACK
Thank you.

TYLER
How's that working out for you?

JACK
What?

TYLER
Being clever.

JACK
(thrown)
Well, uh... great.

TYLER
Keep it up, then. Keep it right up.

Tyler stands, looks towards the aisle.

TYLER
... As I squeeze past, do I give you
the ass or the crotch?

Tyler moves to the aisle, his ass toward jack, walks away...

TYLER
We are defined by the choices we make.

Tyler goes to the curtain dividing First Class, slaps the
curtain aside and sits in an empty seat. Jack watches.

JACK (V.O.)
How I came to live with Tyler is:
airlines have this policy about
vibrating luggage.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In the tense atmosphere of an airplane cabin, Jack grapples with his inner turmoil and witnesses a pelican's gruesome fate. Amidst the impending sense of doom, Tyler Durden, a mysterious and philosophical figure, engages Jack in conversations about life's complexities, challenging societal norms and consumerism. As the plane takes off, Tyler moves to First Class, leaving Jack to ponder his newfound connection and the uncertain path that lies ahead.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Intriguing character introduction
  • Exploration of themes
Weaknesses
  • Some may find the dialogue too cynical or dark
Critique
  • The scene starts with a lot of tension and potential danger with the pelican getting sucked into the turbine and the chaotic plane scenario, but it quickly transitions into a conversation between Jack and Tyler that feels disconnected from the initial setup.
  • The dialogue between Jack and Tyler is intriguing and sets up Tyler as a mysterious and unconventional character, but it lacks depth and emotional resonance.
  • The transition from the plane incident to the soap-making conversation feels abrupt and disjointed, losing the initial tension and suspense of the scene.
  • The scene introduces interesting themes like the significance of soap in civilization and the potential for destruction, but these themes are not fully explored or integrated into the overall narrative.
  • The interaction between Jack and Tyler is engaging, but it lacks a clear direction or purpose in the context of the larger story.
Suggestions
  • Consider maintaining the initial tension and suspense from the plane incident throughout the scene to create a more cohesive narrative.
  • Develop the dialogue between Jack and Tyler to delve deeper into their characters and motivations, adding layers of complexity and emotional depth.
  • Ensure a smoother transition between the different elements of the scene, such as the plane incident, soap-making conversation, and the philosophical exchange between Jack and Tyler.
  • Explore the themes introduced in the scene, such as the significance of soap and the potential for destruction, to add depth and meaning to the interaction between the characters.
  • Provide a clearer purpose or direction for the interaction between Jack and Tyler within the context of the larger story, tying their conversation back to the central themes and conflicts of the screenplay.



Scene 9 -  Desolation at the Airport and Home
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. BAGGAGE CLAIM AREA - NIGHT

Utterly empty of baggage. No people except for Jack and a
SECURITY TASK FORCE MAN. The Security TFM, smirking, holds
a receiver to his ear from an official phone on the wall.

SECURITY TFM
(to Jack)
Throwers don't worry about ticking.
Modern bombs don't tick.
JACK
Excuse me? "Throwers?"

SECURITY TFM
Baggage handlers. But when a
suitcase vibrates, the throwers have
to call the police.

JACK
My suitcase was vibrating?

SECURITY TFM
Nine time out of ten, it's an
electric razor. But, every once in
a while ...
(whispers)
...it's a dildo. It's airline policy
not to imply ownership in the event
of a dildo. We use the indefinite
aricle: "A dildo." Never "Your
dildo."

Jack sees, through the window, Tyler, at the curb, throwing
his briefcase into the back of a shiny, red CONVERTIBLE.
Tyler leaps over the door into the driver's seat and PEELS
OUT. jack turns away, looks at the Security TFM.

In the background, a HARRIED MAN dashes after Tyler and the
convertible, SCREAMING.

JACK
(to Security TFM)
I had everything in that bag. My
C.K. shirts... my D.K.N.Y. shoes...

SECURITY TFM
(into phone)
Yeah, uh huh... yeah?
(pause, still on phone)
Oh...

EXT. EMPTY RUNWAY

A lone SUITCASE sits on the concrete. SECURITY PERSONNEL
keep their distance. KABOOM! The suitcase explodes.

INT. BAGGAGE CLAIM AREA - RESUMING

The Security TFM, shakes his head, hangs up.

SECURITY TFM
I'm terribly sorry.
The Security TFM hands Jack a claim form. Jack snatches it,
disgusted, takes out a pen, starts filling out the form.

SECURITY TFM
You know the industry slang for
"Flight Attendant?" "Air Mattress."

INT. TAXI - MOVING - NIGHT

Along a residential street. Jack looks ahead, sees a tall,
grey, bland BUILDING on the corner.

JACK (V.O.)
Home was a condo on the fifteenth
floor of a filing cabinet for widows
and young professionals. The walls
were solid concrete. A foot of
concrete is important when your next-
door neighbor lets her hearing aid go
and has to watch game shows at full
volume...

The taxi turns a corner and Jack sees the front of the
building. A diffuse CLOUD of SMOKE wafts away from a BLOWN-
OUT SECTION of the fifteenth floor. FIRETRUCKS, POLICE CARS
and a MOB are all crowded around the lobby area.

JACK (V.O.)
-- Or when a volcanic blast of debris
that used to be your furniture and
personal effects blows out your floor-
to-ceiling windows and sails flaming
into the night.

EXT. STREET IN FRONT OF BUILDING

Jack, gaping at the sight above him, absently gives the
Cabbie money. The taxi pulls away. Jack starts toward the
building. He pushes through the fray of people, into the...

INT. LOBBY

The DOORMAN sees Jack enter, gives a sad smile, shakes his
head. Jack starts for the elevator.

DOORMAN
There's nothing up there.

Jack presses the button. The Doorman moves next to him.

DOORMAN
You can't go into the unit. Police
orders.

The elevator doors open. Jack hesitates. The doors close.
Jack heads out the lobby doors. The Doorman follows...

EXT. CONDO BUILDING - CONTINUOUS

Jack walks past SMOKING, CHARRED DEBRIS -- a flash of ORANGE
from the Yang table, a CLOCK FACE from the hall clock, part
of an arm from the GREEN ARMCHAIR. His feet CRUNCH glass.

JACK (V.O.)
How embarrassing.

DOORMAN
Do you have somebody you can call?

Jack comes to his REFRIGERATOR lying on its side. He
reaches down and takes a note: "MARLA --" and a phone
number, from under a BANANA MAGNET.

CLOSE SHOT - JACK'S STOVE

Hissing.

JACK (V.O.)
The police would later tell me that
the pilot light might have gone
out... letting out just a little bit
of gas.

EXT. PAYPHONE - RESUMING

Jack gets to a PAYPHONE. The Doorman follows, watching him.

DOORMAN
Lots of young people try to impress
the world and buy too many things.

Jack picks up the receiver, puts in a quarter. He looks at
Marla's number a long moment.

CLOSE SHOT - JACK'S ENTIRE CONDO - KITCHEN AND LIVING ROOM

The SOUND of the HISS...

JACK (V.O.)
The gas could have slowly filled the
condo. Seventeen-hundred square feet
with high ceilings, for days and days.
EXT. PAYPHONE - RESUMING

Jack replaces the receiver. He pockets Marla's number, digs
out a small FILOFAX. He flips through the pages for phone
numbers and addresses. Most of the pages are blank.

DOORMAN
Many young people feel trapped and
desperate.

INSERT - CLOSE ON THE BASE OF JACK'S REFRIGERATOR

JACK (V.O.)
Then, the refrigerator's compressor
could have clicked on...

Click. KABOOM! SCREEN GOES WHITE.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary After his suitcase explodes on an airport runway, Jack returns to his apartment only to find it destroyed by another explosion. He is left alone and contemplates his next move.
Strengths
  • Effective use of dark humor
  • Compelling exploration of themes
  • Strong emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency or tension despite the potential danger of a vibrating suitcase and a subsequent explosion.
  • The dialogue between Jack and the Security Task Force Man feels forced and unnatural, with an excessive focus on the slang used in the airline industry.
  • The transition from the airport to Jack's blown-out condo lacks a smooth connection, making the scene feel disjointed.
  • The visual descriptions of the scene could be more vivid and engaging to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and setting.
  • The inner monologue from Jack could be more introspective and reflective to provide deeper insight into his character and emotions.
Suggestions
  • Consider building more tension and suspense around the vibrating suitcase and the explosion to create a sense of danger and urgency.
  • Revise the dialogue between Jack and the Security Task Force Man to make it more natural and engaging, focusing on the core conflict and emotions of the characters.
  • Work on smoother transitions between different settings to maintain the flow of the scene and keep the audience engaged.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to paint a clearer picture of the surroundings and create a more immersive experience for the reader.
  • Develop Jack's inner monologue to provide deeper insights into his thoughts and emotions, adding layers to his character and the overall narrative.



Scene 10 -  Payphone Encounter
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
EXT. PAYPHONE - RESUMING

Jack looks at the Doorman. Tyler's BUSINESS CARD falls from
the Filofax. Jack catches it.

DOORMAN
If you don't know what you want, you
end up with a lot you don't.

The Doorman walks away. Jack stares at Tyler's card.

JACK (V.O.)
If you asked me now, I couldn't tell
you why I called him.

Jack re-deposits the quarter, dials Tyler's number. It
RINGS... and RINGS and RINGS. Jack sighs and hangs up the
phone. A moment, then the phone RINGS.

JACK
Hello?

TYLER'S VOICE
Who's this?

JACK
Tyler?

TYLER'S VOICE
Who's this?

JACK
Uh... I'm sorry. We met on the
plane. We had the same briefcase.
I'm... you know, the clever guy.

TYLER'S VOICE
Oh, yeah.

JACK
I just called a second ago. There
was no answer. I'm at a payphone.

TYLER'S VOICE
I star-sixty-nined you. I never pick
up my phone. What's up?

JACK
Well... let me see... here's the
thing...

EXT. LOU'S TAVERN - NIGHT

A small building in the middle of a concrete parking lot.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Jack, seeking connection, calls Tyler after finding his business card. Despite an initial hesitation, Jack identifies himself but Tyler remains evasive and uninterested. The Doorman's cryptic advice about knowing one's wants adds to Jack's frustration as Tyler maintains his distance.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Intriguing character dynamics
  • Tension-filled atmosphere
Weaknesses
  • Some elements may be confusing for first-time viewers
Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction, leaving the audience confused about the significance of the interaction between Jack and Tyler.
  • The dialogue feels disjointed and lacks depth, failing to engage the audience or advance the plot effectively.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth or tension in the scene, making it feel flat and uninteresting.
  • The transition from Jack looking at the Doorman to suddenly dialing Tyler's number feels abrupt and disconnected.
  • The scene fails to build upon the previous events or establish a clear connection to the overall narrative.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more context or background information to give the scene a clearer purpose and direction.
  • Work on developing the dialogue to make it more engaging, meaningful, and reflective of the characters' motivations.
  • Introduce more emotional depth and tension to create a more compelling and impactful scene.
  • Smooth out the transition between Jack looking at the Doorman and dialing Tyler's number to create a more seamless flow.
  • Ensure that the scene contributes to the overall narrative and builds upon the events that have preceded it.



Scene 11 -  Lou's Tavern Conversation
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. LOU'S TAVERN - SAME

Jack and Tyler sit in the back, with a pitcher of BEER.

JACK
You buy furniture. You tell
yourself: this is the last sofa I'll
ever need. No matter what else
happens, I've got the sofa issue
handled. Then, the right set of
dishes. The right dinette.

TYLER
This is how we fill up our lives.

Tyler lights a cigarette.

JACK
I guess so.

TYLER
And, now it's gone.

JACK
All gone.

Tyler offers cigarettes. Jack declines.

TYLER
Could be worse. A woman could cut
off your penis while you're asleep
and toss it out the window of a
moving car.

JACK
There's always that.

TYLER
I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe
it's a terrible tragedy.

JACK
...no ...no ...

TYLER
I mean, you did lose a lot of nice,
neat little shit. The trendy paper
lamps, the Euro-trash shelving unit,
am I right?

Jack laughs, nods. He shakes his head, drinks.

TYLER
But maybe, just maybe, you've been
delivered.

JACK
(toasts)
Delivered from Swedish furniture.

TYLER
Delivered from armchairs in obscure
green stripe patterns.

JACK
Delivered from Martha Stewart.

TYLER
Delivered from bullshit colors like
"Cobalt," "Ebony," and "Fuchsia."

They laugh together. Then, silence. They drink.

JACK
Insurance'll cover it.

TYLER
Oh, yeah, you gotta start making the
list.

JACK
What list?
TYLER
The "now I get to go out and buy the
exact same stuff all over again"
list. That list.

JACK
I don't... think so.

TYLER
This time maybe get a widescreen TV.
You'll be occupied for weeks.

JACK
Well, I have to file a claim...

TYLER
The things you own, they end up
owning you.

JACK
Don't I?

TYLER
Do what you like.

JACK
(looks at watch)
God, it's late. I should find a
hotel...

TYLER
A hotel?

JACK
Yeah.

TYLER
So, you called me up, because you
just wanted to have a drink before
you... go find a hotel?

JACK
I don't follow...

TYLER
We're on our third pitcher of beer.
Just ask me.

JACK
Huh?

TYLER
You called me so you could have a
place to stay.

JACK
No, I...

TYLER
Why don't you cut the shit and ask if
you can stay at my place?

JACK
Would that be a problem?

TYLER
Is it a problem for you to ask?

JACK
Can I stay at your place?

TYLER
Yes, you can.

JACK
Thank you.

TYLER
You're welcome. But, I want you to
do me one favor.

JACK
What's that?

TYLER
I want you to hit me as hard as you
can.

JACK
What?

TYLER
I want you to hit me as hard as you
can.

Freeze picture.

JACK (V.O.)
Let me tell you a little bit about
Tyler Durden.

EXTREME CLOSE-UP - FILM FRAME

-- And we see it's PORNOGRAPHY.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary After a fire destroys Jack's belongings, he and Tyler discuss consumerism and materialism at Lou's Tavern. They share a moment of camaraderie, and Tyler invites Jack to stay at his place. The scene ends with Tyler asking Jack to hit him as hard as he can.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Exploration of themes
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external conflict
  • Limited action
Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of direction and purpose, with the conversation between Jack and Tyler meandering and lacking a strong narrative arc.
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural at times, with the characters delivering lines that don't quite match their established personalities.
  • There is a lack of depth and emotional resonance in the interaction between Jack and Tyler, making it difficult for the audience to fully engage with the scene.
  • The transition from a reflective and introspective tone in the previous scenes to a more casual and flippant tone in this scene feels jarring and disrupts the overall flow of the screenplay.
  • The scene could benefit from more subtext and underlying tension to create a more compelling dynamic between Jack and Tyler.
Suggestions
  • Consider tightening the dialogue to make it more purposeful and impactful, focusing on advancing the plot or revealing character motivations.
  • Introduce more conflict or stakes into the scene to create a sense of urgency and drive the narrative forward.
  • Explore deeper emotional layers for both Jack and Tyler to add complexity and depth to their interactions.
  • Ensure that the tone of the scene aligns with the overall tone and themes of the screenplay to maintain consistency and coherence.
  • Work on building a stronger connection between the dialogue and the characters' internal struggles and external actions to create a more cohesive and engaging scene.



Scene 12 -  Fight Club: Projectionist Room to Parking Lot
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. PROJECTIONIST ROOM - THEATRE - NIGHT

Jack, in the foreground, FACES CAMERA. In the BACKGROUND,
Tyler sits at a bench, looking at individual FRAMES cut from
movies. Near him, a PROJECTOR rolls film.

JACK
Tyler was a night person. He
sometimes worked as a projectionist.
A movie doesn't come in one big reel,
it's on a few. In old theaters, two
projectors are used, so someone has
to change projectors at the exact
second when one reel ends and
another reel begins. Sometimes you
can see two dots on screen in the
upper right hand corner...

Tyler points to the side of OUR FRAME and the TWO DOTS
briefly APPEAR ONSCREEN.

TYLER
They're called "cigarette burns."

JACK
It's called a "changeover." The
movie goes on, and nobody in the
audience has any idea.

TYLER
Why would anyone want this shitty job?

JACK
It affords him other interesting
opportunities.

TYLER
-- Like splicing single frames from
adult movies into family films.

JACK
In reel three, right after the
courageous dog and the snooty cag --
who have celebrity voices -- eat out
of a garbage can, there's the flash
of Tyler's contribution...

In the AUDIENCE, CHILDREN suddenly start squirming,
confused, looking at each other.

A WOMAN abruptly stops sucking her soda straw, feeling
vaguely terrible. Her uncomfortable HUSBAND slowly leans
back in his seat.

Jack and Tyler watch from the projection booth window.

TYLER
One-forty-eighth of a second. That's
how long it's up there.

JACK
No one really knows that they've seen it.
But they did.

TYLER
A nice, big cock.

JACK
Only a hummingbird could have caught
Tyler at work.

INT. LARGE BANQUET HALL - NIGHT

Tyler moves around one of many tables, setting down SOUP
BOWLS. Jack stands in the same position, FACING CAMERA.

JACK
Tyler also worked as a banquet waiter
at the luxurious Pressman Hotel.

The GUESTS command the WAITERS with snaps of fingers.

INT. SERVICE ELEVATOR - NIGHT

Jack turns and WE PAN to Tyler, standing by a CART with a
giant SOUP TUREEN. His hands are at his open fly and he's
in position to piss into the soup.

JACK
He was the guerrilla terrorist of the
food service industry.

TYLER
Don't watch. I can't if you watch.

Jack waits. The SOUND of a STREAM of LIQUID is HEARD.

TYLER
... Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

JACK
He farted on meringue; he sneezed on
braised endive; and, with creme of
mushroom soup, well...

TYLER (O.S.)
Go ahead. Say it.

JACK
You get the idea.

EXT. PARKING LOT OF TAVERN - RESUMING

Tyler and Jack come out the back door.

JACK
I don't know about this.

TYLER
I don't know, either. I want to find
out. I've never been hit, have you?

JACK
No. That's a good thing, isn't it?

TYLER
I don't want to die without any
scars. How much can you really know
about yourself if you've never been
in a fight? Come on... you're the
only person I've ever asked.

JACK
Me?

Jack stares at him.

TYLER
Why not you? I'm letting you go
first. Do it.

JACK
This is crazy.

TYLER
Alright, go crazy. Let 'er rip.

JACK
Where do you want it? In the face?

TYLER
Surprise me.

Jack swings a wide, clumsy roundhouse -- hits Tyler's
neck -- makes a dull, flat sound.
JACK
Shit. Sorry. That didn't count.

TYLER
Like hell. That counted.

Tyler shoots out a straight punch to Jack's chest. Jack
falls back against a car. His eyes tear up.

TYLER
How do you feel?

JACK
Strange.

TYLER
But a good strange.

JACK
Is it?

TYLER
We've crossed the threshold. You
want to call it off?

JACK
Call what off?

TYLER
The fight.

JACK
What fight?

TYLER
This fight, pussy.

Jack swings another roundhouse that slams right under
Tyler's ear. Tyler punches Jack in the stomach. Tyler and
Jack move clumsily, throwing punches. They breathe heavier,
drooling saliva and blood, growing dizzier from every impact.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Jack and Tyler discuss Tyler's job as a projectionist and his habit of splicing adult movie frames into family films. They then work together in a banquet hall before engaging in a physical fight in a parking lot, resolving their conflict through physical altercation.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Complex characters
  • Dark humor
  • Exploration of themes
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Cynical tone may not appeal to all audiences
Critique
  • The scene transitions abruptly from the projectionist room to a banquet hall without a clear connection or smooth transition.
  • The dialogue between Jack and Tyler about splicing adult frames into family films feels forced and out of place, lacking subtlety and nuance.
  • The visual of children squirming and adults feeling uncomfortable due to the single frame of pornography is heavy-handed and lacks finesse in conveying the impact.
  • The shift to Tyler urinating into the soup tureen is jarring and comes across as crude and unnecessary, detracting from the overall tone of the scene.
  • The sudden shift to Tyler being a 'guerrilla terrorist of the food service industry' feels disconnected from the previous conversation about single frames in movies.
Suggestions
  • Consider a smoother transition between the projectionist room and the banquet hall to maintain coherence in the scene.
  • Revisit the dialogue between Jack and Tyler to make it more subtle and integrated into the conversation, avoiding heavy-handedness.
  • Find a more nuanced and artful way to convey the impact of the single frame of pornography on the audience without resorting to overt reactions.
  • Avoid the crude and unnecessary visual of Tyler urinating into the soup tureen, as it detracts from the overall tone and message of the scene.
  • Ensure that the actions and behaviors of the characters align with the established tone and themes of the screenplay to maintain consistency.



Scene 13 -  The Abandoned House
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. CURBSIDE - LATER

Jack and Tyler sit on the curb, watching sparse headlights
on the nearby freeway. Their eyes are glazed with endorphin-
induced serenity. They look at each other, laugh. Look away.

TYLER
If you could fight anyone... one on
one, whoever you wanted, who would
you fight?

JACK
Anyone?

TYLER
Anyone.

Jack thinks.

JACK
My boss, probably.
(pause)
Who would you fight?

TYLER
My dad. No question.

A long pause as Jack studies Tyler's face.

JACK
Oh, yeah.
(nodding)
I didn't know my dad. Well, I knew
him, till I was six. He went and
married another woman, had more kids.
Every six years or so he'd do it
again -- new city, new family.

TYLER
He was setting up franchises. My
father never went to college, so it
was really important that I go.

JACK
I know that.

TYLER
After I graduated, I called him long
distance and asked, "Now what?" He
said, "Get a job." When I turned
twenty-five, I called him and asked,
"Now what?" He said, "I don't know.
Get married."

JACK
Same here.

TYLER
A generation of men raised by women.
I'm wondering if another woman is the
answer we really need.
Another pause. Jack feels his bleeding lip, smiles.

JACK
We should do this again sometime.

Tyler cracks a smile, give a sidelong glance to Jack.

EXT. PAPER STREET - NIGHT

A street sign: "PAPER STREET." A PAPER MILL stis on one
side, facing a lone HOUSE on the other. The rest of the
land is grass and weeds. It's a grand, old three-story,
long abandoned. Tyler leads Jack toward it.

JACK
Where's your car?

TYLER
What car?

JACK (V.O.)
I don't know how Tyler found the
house, but he'd been there for half
a year.

INT. PAPER ST. HOUSE - ENTRANCE -- NIGHT

Tyler leads Jack through the FRONT DOOR...

JACK (V.O.)
It looked like it was waiting to be
torn down. Most of the windows were
boarded up.

INT. PAPER ST. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - MOMENT LATER

Tyler and Jack climb CREAKY STAIRS to the 2ND FLOOR LANDING.

JACK (V.O.)
None of the doors locked. The stairs
were ready to collapse. I didn't
know if he owned it or he was
squatting.

Tyler opens the door to a ROOM...

INT. ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Jack enters, stis on the creaky BED. Dust drifts upwards.

JACK (V.O.)
Neither would have surprised me.

INT. SHOWER - MORNING

Jack turns on the water. LOUD VIBRATIONS from the walls.
Water spits in starts.

JACK (V.O.)
Nothing worked. The rusty plumbing
leaked. Turning on a light meant
another light in the house went out.

EXT. LOU'S TAVERN PARKING LOT - NIGHT

All the tavern's lights are off. Tyler and Jack FIGHT.
FIVE GUYS stand around watching.

INT. PAPER ST. HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING

Jack, his face showing NEW BRUISES AND CUTS, makes coffee
with a wire-mesh strainer. Tyler shuffles in, wearing a
flannel bathrobe. He spears pieces of bread on a fork,
starts roasting them over a burner.

JACK (V.O.)
There were no neighbors. Just
warehouses and the paper mill. The
fart smell of steam, the hamster cage
smell of wood chips.

EXT. PAPER ST. HOUSE - NIGHT

Jack sits watching as Tyler SWINGS an old GOLF CLUB --
THWACK -- sends a golf ball soaring down the desolate street.

JACK (V.O.)
At night, Tyler and I were alone for
half a mile in every direction.

EXT. LOU'S TAVERN PARKING LOT - NIGHT

All the lights are off. TEN GUYS YELL, standing around Jack
and Tyler, who FIGHT. THREE CARS are parked in the lot.

INT. BASEMENT - DAY

Jack sits on basement stairs, watching as Tyler, knee-deep
in water, works at an open FUSEBOX, flipping breakers in a
certain order, showing Jack how it's done.

JACK (V.O.)
When it rained, we had to kill the
power. By the end of the first
month, I didn't care about TV. I
didn't mind the warm, stale
refrigerator.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Jack and Tyler bond over shared experiences of absent fathers and engage in fights as a release of pent-up emotions. Tyler leads Jack to an abandoned house where he teaches him how to operate the fusebox. The scene ends with Jack observing Tyler work on the fusebox, highlighting their growing bond.
Strengths
  • Rich character development
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Exploration of complex themes
Weaknesses
  • Lack of external action or plot progression
Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of direction or purpose, with Jack and Tyler engaging in random conversations and activities without a clear narrative progression.
  • The dialogue between Jack and Tyler feels forced and lacks depth, failing to establish a meaningful connection between the characters.
  • The setting descriptions are detailed but do not contribute significantly to the overall story or character development.
  • The fight scenes between Jack and Tyler are repetitive and lack emotional impact, becoming monotonous and predictable.
  • There is a lack of tension or conflict in the scene, making it feel stagnant and unengaging for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing a clear objective or goal for the scene to drive the narrative forward and engage the audience.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Jack and Tyler to reveal more about their characters, motivations, and relationship dynamics.
  • Introduce more dynamic and meaningful interactions between Jack and Tyler to create tension and emotional depth.
  • Consider adding layers of conflict and complexity to the scene to keep the audience invested in the characters' journey.
  • Revise the fight scenes to make them more impactful, emotionally charged, and integral to the overall story.



Scene 14 -  The Dark Chamber and the Tavern
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. READING ROOM - NIGHT

CANDLES BURN. Tyler and Jack are seated across from each
other on the buckled floor, reading MAGAZINES. Rain DRIPS
from the ceiling. No furniture. THOUSANDS of MAGAZINES.

JACK (V.O.)
The previous occupant had been a bit
of a shut-in.

TYLER
(of magazine)
Hum.

JACK
What?

TYLER
Oh, a new riot control grenade...
(reading)
"...the successful combination of
concussive, 3000 foot-candle flash-
blasts and simultaneous high-velocity
disbursement of...blah, blah, blah..."

Tyler begins RIPPING the ARTICLE from his magazine.

JACK
("Reader's Digest")
"I am Joe's Lungs." It's written in
first person. "Without me, Joe could
not take in oxygen to feed his red
blood cells." There's a whole
series -- "I am Joe's Prostate."

TYLER
"I get cancer, and I kill Joe."

Tyler tosses his article in a pile of other articles,
chooses another magazine.

JACK
What are you reading?

TYLER
Soldier of Fortune. Business Week.
New Republic.
JACK
Show-off.

EXT. LOU'S TAVERN PARKING LOT - NIGHT

All the lights are off. Jack and Tyler stand amidst FIFTEEN
GUYS around TWO GUYS FIGHTING. The crowd YELLS MORE WILDLY
than before. In the background are EIGHT PARKED CARS.

JACK (V.O.)
I should have been haggling with my
insurance company. I should have
been looking for a new condo...

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

Jack walks along. He stops, looking at a CHURCH with
SUPPORT-GROUP-PEOPLE milling around the entrance, drinking
coffee and sodas. Marla's there, amongst them, smoking.

JACK (V.O.)
.... I should have been upset about
my nice, neat, flaming little shit.

Jack's face shows no reaction. He continues to walk.

JACK (V.O.)
But I wasn't.

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

Jack, in work clothes, interlocks his fingers and POPS his
knuckles, picks up a saucepan with coffee and sips. Tyler,
in waiter's uniform, comes to have Jack straighten his tie.

JACK (V.O.)
Most of the week, we were Ozzie and
Harriet.

Jack picks up his briefcase and walks out the door.

JACK (V.O.)
But, Wednesday night, ever Wednesday
night...

EXT. LOU'S TAVERN PARKING LOT - NIGHT

All the lights are off. No one around, but there are at
least TWENTY-FIVE CARS parked in the full lot.

JACK (V.O.)
... we were finding something out: we
were finding out, more and more, that
we were not alone.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

A SLIDE SHOW progresses, run by a chipper salesman, WALTER.
Jack sits, deadpan, with a PUFFY LIP and a BRUISED cheek.

JACK (V.O.)
Thursday mornings, all I could do was
think about next week.

Boss gives Jack a dubious look. Walter's next SLIDE: a
COMPUTER SCREEN.

WALTER
The basic premise of cyber-netting
your office is -- make things more
efficient.

BOSS
Can I get the icon in cornflower blue?

WALTER
Absolutely.

Walter continues, his sales pitch drowned out by Jack's V.O.:

JACK (V.O.)
Walter, the Microsoft account exec.
Walter, with his smooth, soft hands.
Maybe he was thinking about the free-
range potluck he'd been to last
weekend, or his church-group car-wash
fund-raiser. Or, probably not.

Walter moves to Jack and slaps him in the shoulder.

WALTER
I showed this already to my man here.
You liked it, didn't you?

Jack smiles. His teeth are RED with BLOOD. They GLOW
eerily in the dim light.

JACK (V.O.)
You can swallow a pint of blood
before you get sick.

WALTER
Jesus, I'd hate to see what happened
to the other guy.

Jack keeps the smile frozen on his face.

JACK (V.O.)
Screw Walter. His candy-ass wouldn't
last a second Wednesday night.

EXT. LOU'S TAVERN - NIGHT

Out of silent darkness, HEADLIGHTS appear from all
directions. CARS PULL UP and park in the already-packed
lot. YOUNG MEN get out and march into the tavern...

INT. LOU'S TAVERN - SAME

The men, including Jack and Tyler, enter and stand against
the back wall, waiting. The bartender, IRVINE, calls out:

IRVINE
Drink up people. We're closing.

Irvine flicks on the LIGHTS. Drunken customers squint and
get the message. They plop down money, leaving.

JACK (V.O.)
It was right in everyone's face.
Tyler and I just made it visible.

Irvine hits a button and the JUKEBOX loses power. Members
of the waiting army begins to share secret looks. Finally,
one buy locks the door. Two other guys close the blinds.

JACK (V.O.)
It was on the tip of everyone's
tongue. Tyler and I just gave it a
name.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary In a dimly lit room adorned with a myriad of magazines, Jack and Tyler delve into articles exploring riot control techniques and human anatomy. Venturing outside, they witness a violent altercation, leaving Jack with a sense of indifference towards his life. As the week progresses, Jack's thoughts gravitate towards Fight Club while at work, rendering him unresponsive to a presentation. At the tavern, amidst the hushed whispers of men, Jack and Tyler join a group isolating themselves, hinting at their impending participation in the enigmatic Fight Club.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Exploration of themes
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Limited emotional impact
  • Lack of external action
Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of direction and purpose, with the dialogue and actions feeling disjointed and random.
  • The transition between different settings and timeframes is abrupt and confusing, making it difficult for the audience to follow the narrative.
  • The visual descriptions are minimal, leaving the scene feeling flat and lacking in vivid imagery.
  • The internal monologue from Jack is repetitive and does not add depth or insight to the scene.
  • The interactions between Jack and Tyler feel forced and lack authenticity, making it hard for the audience to connect with the characters.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the purpose of the scene and ensure that each interaction and dialogue exchange serves a specific narrative or character development goal.
  • Smooth out the transitions between different settings and timeframes to create a more cohesive and engaging flow.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions to create a more immersive and vivid setting for the scene.
  • Revise the internal monologue to provide meaningful insights or reflections that add depth to Jack's character.
  • Focus on building authentic and meaningful interactions between Jack and Tyler to create a stronger emotional connection with the audience.



Scene 15 -  Fight Club Initiation
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. TAVERN BASEMENT - SAME

A BOMB-SHELTER. Concrete walls. One BARE BULB above, Tyler
standing directly beneath it.

TYLER
Welcome to fight club.

The guys mill around, finding partners. Everyone brims with
eagerness, but tries to act cool. CHATTER gets LOUDER.
Everyone spreads out, forming a circle, Tyler at center.

JACK (V.O.)
Every week, Tyler gave the rules that
he and I decided.

PEAKING CHATTER, till Tyler raises his arms and the CHATTER
DIES. A couple of COUGHS, FEET SHUFFLING, then, SILENCE.

TYLER
The first rule of fight club is --
you don't talk about fight club. The
second rule of fight club is -- you
don't talk about fight club. The
third rule of fight club is -- when
someone says "stop" or goes limp, the
fight is over. Fourth rule is --
only two guys to a fight. Fifth
rule -- one fight at a time. Sixth
rule -- no shirts, no shoes. Seventh
rule -- fights go on as long as they
have to. And the eighth and final
rule -- if this is your first night
at fight club, you have to fight.

Tyler steps back. A short guy, RICKY, and a GOATEED MAN
take off shirts and shoes and step to the center.

JACK (V.O.)
This kid, Ricky -- supply clerk --
couldn't remember whether you ordered
pens with blue ink or black ink ...

The two fighters circle, then begin throwing PUNCHES...

JACK (V.O.)
But Ricky was a god for ten minutes
last week when he trounced an actuary
twice his size.

Harder, faster PUNCHES between the two. SWEAT flies.
SHOUTS become DEAFENING. Ricky's getting the best of
Goateed Man, POUNDING him...

JACK (V.O.)
Sometimes all you could hear were
flat, hard packing sounds over the
yelling, or the wet choke when
someone caught their breath and
sprayed...

GOATEED MAN
(spittle-lipped)
Ssssstop... !

INT. OFFICE PARK RESTAURANT - DAY
Jack, eating lunch, watches the BROKEN-NOSED WAITER with a
GOATEE -- from the above fight -- converse with a MAITRE D'.

JACK (V.O.)
Even if I could tell someone they had
a good fight, I wouldn't be talking
to the same man.

The Goateed Waiter approaches Jack and sets a refill soda
down on the table. The two of them briefly make eye contact.

JACK (V.O.)
Who you were in fight club is not who
you were in the rest of the world.

INT. PHOTOCOPY ROOM - DAY

Jack stands over a copy machine, hit by flashes of light.
He glances over his shoulder, watches Ricky, wearing an
apron, push a supply cart. Ricks nods at Jack.

JACK (V.O.)
You weren't alive anywhere like you
were there. But fight club only
exists in the hours between when
fight club starts and when fight club
ends.

INT. JACK'S OFFICE - DAY

Jack, playing SOLITAIRE on his computer, daubs blood from
his mouth with a handkerchief. Boss, passing by the
doorway, looks in at Jack, irritated.

BOSS
What are you getting yourself into
every week?

Jack keeps playing Solitaire. Boss enters, folds his arms.

JACK (V.O.)
After fight club, everything else in
your life gets the volume turned
down. You can deal with anything.

BOSS
Have you finished those reports?

JACK
(handing him reports)
Yes.
JACK (V.O.)
The people who had power over you
have less and less.

Jack looks at Boss. Reflexively, Jack's tongue plays with
his teeth.

JACK (V.O.)
By this point, I could wiggle most of
the teeth in my jaw.

EXT. STREET - DUSK

Tyler and Jack walk, both smoking cigarettes.

JACK (V.O.)
A guy came to fight club for the
first time, his ass was a wad of
cookie dough. After a few weeks, he
was carved out of wood.

JACK
If you could fight any celebrity?

TYLER
Alive or dead?

JACK
Doesn't matter.

TYLER
Hemingway. You?

JACK
Shatner. William Shatner.

They reach a BUS STOP as a BUS arrives, tossing their
cigarettes, getting on board...

INT. BUS - DUSK

The bus is crowded. As Tyler and Jack walk toward the back,
Jack studies the faces of OTHER PASSENGERS...

JACK (V.O.)
We all started seeing things
differently. Wherever we went.

They hold hand grips. Jack looks up at an ADVERTISEMENT; a
CALVIN KLEIN ad featuring a tan, bare-chested MUSCLE STUD.
JACK (V.O.)
I felt sorry for all the guys packing
into gyms, trying to look like what
Calvin Klein and Tommy Hilfiger said
they should.

Tyler looks at Jack, looks at the C.K. advertisement.

TYLER
Self-improvement is masturbation.
Self-destruction is the answer.

A MAN in a suit KNOCKS Tyler's shoulder as he passes. The
Man takes a handle, close by. Jack's pissed, staring at the
man, who stares back.

JACK
(to Tyler, so the
Man can hear)
You could take him.

Tyler looks to Jack, glances over his shoulder at the Man.
Tyler casually picks a small scab off Jack's nostril.

TYLER
The trick is not to care.

Tyler stares forward.
Genres: ["Drama","Action"]

Summary Tyler introduces the rules of Fight Club and a fight between Ricky and Goateed Man ensues, demonstrating the cathartic power of the club. Jack witnesses the transformation of Goateed Man and Ricky outside of the fight club, realizing its temporary nature. Tyler's philosophy of self-destruction as a path to liberation resonates with Jack, who observes the subtle changes in others who have experienced Fight Club.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Well-developed characters
  • Sharp dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Potential for excessive violence
  • Cynical tone may not appeal to all audiences
Critique
  • The scene effectively sets the tone for the underground fight club, establishing the rules and the intense atmosphere of the fights.
  • The dialogue between Tyler and Jack reveals the philosophy behind fight club and their disillusionment with societal norms.
  • The visual descriptions of the fight club setting and the physical altercations add to the gritty and raw nature of the scene.
  • The inner monologue provided by Jack gives insight into his mindset and the transformative effect of fight club on its participants.
  • The scene effectively builds tension and anticipation for the upcoming fights and the impact of fight club on the characters' lives.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more visual cues to enhance the atmosphere of the fight club, such as dim lighting, sweat-soaked bodies, and the sounds of punches landing.
  • Explore deeper into the emotional and psychological effects of fight club on the characters, showcasing the internal struggles and conflicts they face.
  • Introduce more diverse and dynamic fight sequences to keep the audience engaged and showcase the different fighting styles of the participants.
  • Provide more context on the background and motivations of the characters involved in the fight club to add depth and complexity to their interactions.
  • Consider incorporating moments of introspection and reflection amidst the chaos of the fight club to highlight the characters' personal growth and transformation.



Scene 16 -  Fight Club
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. TAVERN BASEMENT - NIGHT

Tyler HITS the floor, stomach first. HIS OPPONENT lands on
top of him, grappling, trying for a CHOKE HOLD. The
surrounding CROWD, Jack included, SCREAMS at them...

Tyler and the Opponent wrestle desperately, and Tyler flips
his attacker, gets on top, sprawling to pin him. Tyler
turns -- starts reining PUNCHES into the Opponent's GROIN...

CUT TO:

Jack lands a couple of BLOWS to HIS OPPONENT'S stomach --
brings up a left uppercut that smashes the Opponent's jaw.
Tiny spatters of BLOOD adorn the walls, along with sweat.

Jack catches sight of a swollen-faced Tyler, watching
appreciatively, a smile growing slowly on his face.

JACK (V.O.)
Fight club wasn't about winning or
losing. It wasn't about words.
The Opponent recovers, throws a headlock on Jack. Jack
snakes his arm into a counter headlock. They wrestle like
wild animals. The crowd CHEERS maniacally.

JACK (V.O.)
They hysterical shouting was in
tongues, like at a Pentecostal church.

Onlookers kneel to stay with the fight, cheering LOUDER.
The Opponent SMASHES Jack's head to the floor, over and over.

JACK
... stop...

JACK (V.O.)
When the fight was over, nothing was
solved, but nothing mattered.

Everyone moves in as the Opponent steps away. Tyler pushes
through the crowd. Others lift Jack up. They turn their
attention to the floor, to a BLOOD MASK of Jack's face --
similar to the TEAR MASK on BOB'S SHIRT.

TYLER
Cool.

Jack limply shakes his Opponent's hand.

OPPONENT
How about next week?

JACK
Look at me. How about next month?

Everyone helps Jack walk. He's sweating, bleeding, smiling.

JACK (V.O.)
Afterwards, we all felt saved.

INT. HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT

A NURSE tends to Jack while Tyler watches.

TYLER
He fell down some stairs.

The Nurse doesn't look at Tyler, just keeps tending to Jack.

JACK
I fell down some stairs.

JACK (V.O.)
Sometimes Tyler spoke for me.

INT. PAPER ST. HOUSE - BATHROOM - MORNING

Tyler and Jack share the cracked MIRROR. Tyler's clipping
at his hair with blunt, ill-suited SCISSORS. Jack's
brushing his teeth, spitting out pink foam.

JACK (V.O.)
Fight club became the reason to cut
your hair short and trim your
fingernails.

TYLER
Any historical figure.

JACK
Okay... Ghandi.

TYLER
Good answer.

JACK
You?

TYLER
Abe Lincoln. Big reach. Skinny guys
fight till they're burger.

Jack reaches in his mouth, exploring, pulls -- yanks a
TOOTH. Jack looks at it. Tyler puts scissors down, done.

TYLER
Remember, even the Mona Lisa's
falling apart.

Jack drops the tooth in the sink with Tyler's hair.

INT. PAPER ST. HOUSE - KITCHEN - LATE AFTERNOON

Jack enters, buttoning his shirt. The PHONE RINGS.

JACK
Hello?

INTERCUT WITH...
Genres: ["Drama","Action"]

Summary In a seedy tavern basement, Tyler and Jack engage in violent bare-knuckle fights. Tyler's detached and aggressive nature contrasts with Jack's vulnerability. After witnessing Jack's bloody defeat, Tyler offers approval and conceals the truth about Jack's injuries at the hospital. Back home, they delve into discussions about historical figures and Jack's tooth extraction before a mysterious phone call leaves the outcome uncertain.
Strengths
  • Intense action sequences
  • Emotional depth
  • Exploration of complex themes
Weaknesses
  • Some may find the violence too graphic or disturbing
Critique
  • The scene lacks clear transitions between the actions of Tyler and Jack, making it slightly confusing for the audience to follow.
  • The physical fight scenes could be more descriptive and engaging to heighten the tension and excitement of the moment.
  • The inner monologue of Jack could be more integrated into the scene to provide deeper insight into his emotions and motivations.
  • The dialogue between Tyler and Jack feels a bit disconnected from the action, and could be more tightly woven into the physical interactions.
  • The visual elements of the scene could be enhanced to create a more immersive and vivid setting for the audience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding clearer transitions between the actions of Tyler and Jack to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Enhance the physical fight scenes with more descriptive language to create a more intense and engaging atmosphere.
  • Integrate Jack's inner monologue more seamlessly into the scene to provide deeper insight into his character.
  • Tighten the dialogue between Tyler and Jack to make it more impactful and relevant to the action taking place.
  • Focus on enhancing the visual elements of the scene to create a more immersive and vivid setting for the audience.



Scene 17 -  Tense Confrontation
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. MARLA'S BUILDING, HALLWAY - SAME

Marla's in the HALL, on the PAYPHONE, twisting the phone
cord around her neck.
MARLA
Where have you been the last few
weeks?

JACK
Marla?

Jack looks through the archway and sees Tyler, in his gummy
flannel bathrobe, doing sit-ups. Jack leans, cups the phone.

JACK
(quietly)
How did you find me?

MARLA
The forwarding number. I haven't
seen you at any support groups.

JACK
That's the idea -- we split them.

MARLA
You haven't been going to yours.

JACK
I found a new one.

MARLA
Really?

JACK
It's for men.

MARLA
Like testicular cancer?

JACK
Look, this is a bad time...

MARLA
I've been going to debtor's
anonymous. You want to see some
truly fucked up people?

JACK
I'm just on my way out...

MARLA
Me too. I got a stomach full of
Xanax. I took what was left of a
bottle. Might've been too much.
Jack looks exasperated, turns TO LOOK INTO THE CAMERA.

JACK (V.O.)
Picture yourself watching Marla
Singer throw herself around her
crummy apartment.

MARLA
This isn't a for-real suicide thing.
This is probably one of those cry-for-
help things.

JACK (V.O.)
This could go on for hours.

JACK
So you're staying in tonight?

MARLA
Do you want to wait to hear me
describe death?

Jack puts the handset on top of the phone, still off the
hook, walks out the back door.

MARLA'S VOICE
Do you want to listen and see if my
spirit can use the telephone?

Thru the archway: Tyler leans to look in, curious.

INT. BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT

GRUNTS of PLEASURE and EXERTION. Glimpses of TORSOS, ASSES,
LEGS, ARMS, BREASTS, and FEMALE HAIR, all DRENCHED in SWEAT.
Sheets RIP. Bodies hit the FLOOR. Insane GRUNTING and
LAUGHING. A flash of MARLA'S FACE.

CUT TO:

INT. JACK'S BEDROOM - SUNRISE

Jack sits up in bed, looks around the room.

INT. 2ND FLOOR LANDING

Jack steps out of his room. The neighboring door is closed.

JACK (V.O.)
Tyler's door was closed. I'd been
living here two months, and Tyler's
door was never closed.
INT. BATHROOM - SAME

Jack stares into the TOILER, looking at SIX USED CONDOMS.

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

Jack sits at the table, sips coffee, read Reader's Digest.
He hears FOOTSTEPS approaching.

JACK
You're not going to believe what I
dreamt last night.

Marla walks in, straightening her dress, looks like she's
been raped by a hurricane. Jack's jaw drops.

MARLA
I can hardly believe anything about
last night.

Marla goes to pour coffee. She takes a swig, GARGLES and
SPITS it in the sink. She gives Jack a lascivious smile.

JACK
What are you doing here?

MARLA
What... ?

JACK
What the hell are you doing here?

Marla stares at him a beat, then drops the cup in the sink.

MARLA
Fuck you.

Marla shoves open the door to the backyard and walks out.
Jack gets up, watches her stomp away.

Jack turns and -- Tyler is at his shoulder, staring after
Marla. He's in his usual sweatpants. He grins at Jack,
then moves away, pours himself coffee. Jack, smoldering,
slumps at the table and picks up Reader's Digest. Tyler
puts his foot on a countertop, does stretching exercises.

TYLER
She's a piece of work. Get this --
I come in here last night, the
phone's off the hook...
Jack pretends to read, quickly glances at Tyler. TYLER'S
VOICE FADES...

JACK (V.O.)
I already knew the story before he
told it to me.

INT. KITCHEN - LATE AFTERNOON (FLASHBACK)

Tyler enters, gently lifts the handset and listens.

MARLA'S VOICE
(from handset)
I'll tell you when I'm floating out
of my body.

Tyler smiles.

JACK (V.O.)
How could Tyler, off all people, think
it was a bad thing that Marla Singer
was about to die?

INT. MARLA'S - 8TH FLOOR LANDING - LATE AFTERNOON (FLASHBACK)

Tyler, a wry smile on his face, ambles up the stiars,
looking at the rotting walls. He reaches the top of the
stairs and heads for Marla's room. Before he can knock,
Marla's hand shoots out and grabs him...
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Marla confronts Jack over their absence from support groups and his lies. Jack evades her questions, further straining their relationship.
Strengths
  • Intense character dynamics
  • Sharp and sardonic dialogue
  • Emotional depth and tension
Weaknesses
  • Some ambiguity in character motivations
  • Limited physical action
Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the characters' motivations and actions, making it confusing for the audience to follow.
  • The dialogue between Jack and Marla feels disjointed and lacks depth, failing to convey the emotional complexity of their relationship.
  • The transition between different locations and time frames is abrupt and disorienting, making it challenging for the audience to stay engaged.
  • The visual descriptions of the bedroom and kitchen scenes are vivid but do not contribute significantly to the overall narrative or character development.
  • The flashback sequences add unnecessary complexity to the scene and detract from the main storyline.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the characters' intentions and emotions to create a more engaging and coherent interaction between Jack and Marla.
  • Streamline the scene by focusing on one central conflict or theme to avoid confusion and maintain the audience's interest.
  • Improve the pacing by smoothing out the transitions between different locations and time frames for better continuity.
  • Enhance the dialogue to reveal deeper insights into the characters' personalities and relationships, adding layers to the scene.
  • Consider simplifying the flashback sequences or integrating them more seamlessly into the main narrative to avoid disrupting the flow of the scene.



Scene 18 -  Hiding from the Cops
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. MARLA'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS (FLASHBACK)

Marla pulls Tyler inside and shuts the door. Her drugged
eyes look him over.

MARLA
You got here fast.

She staggers and sits on the bed. She slides off, along
with the blanket and sheets, to the floor.

MARLA
The mattresses are all sealed in
slippery plastic.

She tries to focus her eyes on Tyler.

MARLA
Did I call you?

Tyler studies her with cynical curiosity, looks at a DILDO
lying atop a dresser. Marla follows his gaze.
MARLA
Don't worry. It's not a threat to you.

SIRENS and vehicles SCREECHING outside can be HEARD; doors
opening and SLAMMING; running FOOTFALLS.

MARLA
Oh, no! Somebody called the cops...

She gets to her feet, grabs Tyler, pulls him out the door.

INT. HALLWAY (FLASHBACK)

Marla LOCKS her door, then pulls Tyler toward the STAIRCASE.
COPS and PARAMEDICS charge up with oxygen and medical kits.
Marla and Tyler flatten against the wall to let them pass.

COP
8-G! Where's 8-G?

MARLA
(pointing)
End of the hall.

The rescuers keep running.

MARLA
(calling after)
The girl who lives there used to be
a charming, lovely girl, but she's
lost faith in herself...

COP
Miss Singer, let us help you! You
have every reason to live!

Marla yanks Tyler's arm, heading down the stairs.

MARLA
She's a monster! Infectious human
waste! Good luck trying to save her!

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

Tyler makes coffee. Marla slouches against the refrigerator.

MARLA
If I fall asleep, I'm done for.
You're gonna have to keep me up all
night.
INT. KITCHEN - MORNING (RESUMING)

Tyler chuckles, shakes his head.

TYLER
Unbelievable, huh?

JACK (V.O.)
He was obviously able to handle it.

Tyler stands across from Jack, gets a cigarette from a pack.

TYLER
I mean, this girl... uh, you're not
into her or anything... ?

JACK
No. Not at all.

JACK (V.O.)
I am Jack's Raging Bile Duct.

Tyler lights his cigarette.

TYLER
You're sure?

JACK
Yeah, I'm sure.

TYLER
Good. This chick was up on the table
with her legs in the stirrups before
the doctor even walked in the room.
The things that she said... I've
never heard a woman talk like that...

INT. TYLER'S ROOM - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

Tyler smokes, post-coital. Marla puts her lips to his ear.

MARLA
(whispering)
I want to have your abortion.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Marla, under the influence of drugs, brings Tyler into her room. When they hear sirens, they realize the cops are approaching. Marla locks the door, and they hide from the cops and paramedics. They escape to the kitchen, where Tyler makes coffee for them. They discuss Marla's behavior, and she whispers a startling revelation to Tyler.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Dark humor
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Controversial topic may alienate some viewers
Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, leaving the reader confused about the significance of the interactions between Marla and Tyler.
  • The dialogue feels disjointed and lacks depth, failing to effectively convey the emotions and intentions of the characters.
  • The transition between different locations and time frames is abrupt and disorienting, making it challenging for the audience to follow the narrative.
  • The scene lacks a clear conflict or tension, resulting in a lack of engagement and impact on the reader.
  • The visual descriptions are minimal and do not effectively set the mood or atmosphere of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the motivations and intentions of Marla and Tyler in the scene to create a more compelling interaction between them.
  • Enhance the dialogue to reveal the emotional depth and complexity of the characters, adding layers to their relationship.
  • Smooth out the transitions between locations and time frames to improve the flow of the scene and enhance the reader's understanding.
  • Introduce a clear conflict or tension between Marla and Tyler to create a more engaging and impactful scene.
  • Expand on the visual descriptions to set the mood and atmosphere of the scene, immersing the reader in the environment.



Scene 19 -  Boundaries and Consequences
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. KITCHEN - MORNING (RESUMING)

Tyler laughs, shakes his head. Jack's gripping his Reader's
Digest just a little too tight.

JACK (V.O.)
How could Tyler not go for that?
Night before last, he was splicing
sex organs into "Little Mermaid."

Tyler sits, studies Jack's face.

TYLER
You're okay with this?

JACK
I'm fine.

JACK (V.O.)
Put a gun to my head and paint the
wall with my brains.

Tyler smokes.

TYLER
She is a wild, twisted bitch. Stay
away from that one.

JACK
Oh, and my pace is more librarians.

TYLER
Hey... don't knock librarians.

JACK
Marla doesn't need a lover. She
needs a case worker.

TYLER
She needs an exorcist. This isn't
love. This is sport-fucking.

JACK (V.O.)
She'd invaded my support groups, now
she's invading my home.

TYLER
Listen... do me a favor... sit here
a minute...

Tyler pulls out a closer chair, motions to it. Jack puts
down his Reader's Digest and moves to that chair.

JACK
What?

TYLER
You've gotta understand something
about me. I have a little rule,
okay? Don't ever talk to her about
me. Ever. I can't stand that kind
of shit.

Tyler fixes Jack with a friendly, but firm stare.

TYLER
If you ever say anything about me or
about what happens here in this
house, to her or anyone -- I will
find out. And you'll never see me
again. Promise me.

JACK
Okay.

TYLER
Promise you won't.

JACK
Yes, I promise.

TYLER
Promise?

JACK
I said I promise!

TYLER
That was three times you promised.

Tyler smiles, gets up and leaves. Jack sits smoldering.

JACK (V.O.)
If only I had wasted a couple of
minutes and gone to watch Marla die,
none of this would have happened.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Jack watches TV at HIGH VOLUME. SOUNDS of SEX from upstairs.

INT. JACK'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Jack lies calmly on his bed, staring at the ceiling. Sounds
of THUMPS and CRASHES from beyond the wall.

MARLA'S VOICE
(muffled through wall)
Miserable fucking discharge!

JACK (V.O.)
I could've moved to another room, one
on the third floor -- so I wouldn't
have heard them. But I didn't.

INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT

SOUNDS of RAIN. Jack flips FUSES off, then walks upstairs.

INT. 2ND FLOOR LANDING - SAME

Jack walks, HEARS Marla SCREAM in orgasm. He reaches the
landing. Tyler's door is ajar. Jack peeks in...

Marla's legs are sprawled on the bed. The door PUSHES OPEN
WIDER -- Tyler, naked, stands CLOSE TO CAMERA.

TYLER
What are you doing?

Jack steps back.

JACK
I... uh... just going to bed.

Tyler scratches his head, wears a RUBBER GLOVE.

TYLER
You want to finish her off?

JACK
Uh... nah...

Jack continues toward his room.

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

Jack brushes his teeth.

JACK (V.O.)
I became the calm, little center of
the world. I was the Zen master.

CLOSE UP - COMPUTER MONITOR

Haiku is BEING TYPED in a trendy, italicized font.

"Worker bees can leave
Even drones can fly away
The queen is their slave"

JACK (V.O.)
I wrote little haiku poems.
INT. JACK'S OFFICE - DAY

Jack's clothes are PERMANENTLY STAINED with BLOOD. He sits
in Zen pose, cigarette in mouth, finishes typing Haiku.

JACK (V.O.)
I faxed them around to everyone.

He hits "SEND," gets the "ERROR CHIME" SOUND. He presses
this key over and over. Boss enters.

BOSS
Is that your blood?

JACK
Some of it, yes.

Boss stares at Jack like he's from Mars.

BOSS
Take the rest of the day off. Come
back tomorrow with clean clothes.
Get yourself together.

INT. HALLWAY - SAME

Jack's leaving, looks like a war casualty, passing COWORKERS
who coldly stare at him. His face is totally passive.

JACK (V.O.)
I got right in everyone's hostile
little face. Yes, these are bruises
from fighting. I'm comfortable with
them. I am enlightened.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary In this scene, Tyler warns Jack not to talk about him to Marla, setting a boundary. Jack witnesses Tyler and Marla engaging in sexual activities, leading to internal conflict. Jack later sends haiku poems to coworkers, resulting in his boss sending him home to get himself together.
Strengths
  • Strong character dynamics
  • Engaging dialogue
  • Dark and intense atmosphere
  • Exploration of twisted relationships
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Lack of clarity in certain character motivations
Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, with disjointed elements that don't contribute to the overall story.
  • The dialogue between Tyler and Jack feels forced and unnatural, lacking depth and authenticity.
  • The transition between different locations and timeframes is abrupt and confusing, making it hard for the audience to follow the narrative.
  • The character motivations and actions are unclear, leading to a lack of emotional connection with the audience.
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or payoff, leaving the audience feeling unsatisfied.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing a clear and cohesive storyline for the scene that aligns with the overall narrative of the screenplay.
  • Refine the dialogue to make it more engaging, realistic, and reflective of the characters' personalities and motivations.
  • Smooth out the transitions between different locations and timeframes to create a more seamless flow of events.
  • Clarify the character motivations and actions to ensure they are consistent and relatable to the audience.
  • Consider adding a stronger resolution or climax to the scene to provide a sense of closure and impact.



Scene 20 -  Chaos at Paper Street
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. PAPER STREET - SUNSET

Jack walks toward the HOUSE.

JACK (V.O.)
You give up the condo life, give up
all your flaming worldly possessions,
go live in a dilapidated house in the
toxic waste part of town...

INT. TYLER'S KITCHEN - SUNSET

Jack walks in. SOUNDS of VIOLENT SEX and a POLAROID CAMERA
from upstairs. Pieces of PLASTER fall from the ceiling.

JACK (V.O.)
... and you come home to this.

TYLER'S VOICE
(laughing)
You fucking slut!!

MARLA'S VOICE
Thank you, sir, may I have another!
Thank you sir, may I have another... !

Jack rolls his eyes, takes off his pants. He runs water in
the sink, finds a tiny bit of SOAP and scrubs at the blood
stains. The PHONE RINGS. He answers it.

JACK
Yeah. Speaking.

INTERCUT WITH...
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Jack walks towards Tyler's house in a rundown part of town, where he is greeted by sounds of violent sex and chaos. Marla and Tyler are engaged in rough play upstairs while Jack tries to clean up blood stains in the kitchen. The conflict arises from the chaotic and unconventional behavior of Marla and Tyler, contrasting with Jack's reserved nature. The scene is chaotic, darkly humorous, and slightly unsettling, with visual elements like falling plaster and blood stains. The scene ends with Jack answering the phone, indicating a shift in focus or a new development.
Strengths
  • Intense character dynamics
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Dark humor
Weaknesses
  • Potentially disturbing content
Critique
  • The scene opens with a strong visual of Jack walking towards Tyler's house, setting the tone for what is to come.
  • The sounds of violent sex and chaos upstairs create a sense of unease and tension, adding depth to the scene.
  • The dialogue between Tyler and Marla, while provocative, may come across as overly explicit and could be toned down for a more nuanced approach.
  • Jack's reaction to the situation, rolling his eyes and taking off his pants, feels somewhat disconnected from the intense atmosphere established earlier.
  • The transition from the external environment to the intimate setting of Tyler's kitchen could be smoother to maintain the flow of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider building up the tension and suspense gradually to enhance the impact of the scene.
  • Explore different ways to convey the chaotic atmosphere without relying solely on explicit dialogue.
  • Ensure that Jack's actions and reactions align with the established tone and mood of the scene.
  • Work on seamless transitions between different settings to maintain the coherence of the narrative.
  • Consider adding layers of subtext and character dynamics to deepen the emotional impact of the scene.



Scene 21 -  Jack's Unraveling
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. POLICE STATION - OFFICE

A cop, DETECTIVE STERN, refers to a file.

DETECTIVE STERN
This is Detective Stern with the
arson unit. We have some new
information about the "incident" at
your condo.

JACK
Yes?

DETECTIVE STERN
I don't know if you're aware... your
front door -- it seems someone
sprayed freon into the lock, then
tapped it with a chisel to shatter
the cylinder.

JACK
No, I wasn't aware...

JACK (V.O.)
I am Jack's Cold Sweat.

DETECTIVE STERN
Does this sound strange to you?

JACK
Yes, sire, strange. Very strange.

Jack starts to sweat, scrubs his pants obsessively.
DETECTIVE STERN
The dynamite...

JACK
Dynamite?

DETECTIVE STERN
Yes. It left a residue of ammonium
oxalate and potassium perchloride.
Do you know what that means?

JACK
What does that mean?

DETECTIVE STERN
It means it was homemade.

JACK
This is... really a shock...

DETECTIVE STERN
Whoever set this homemade dynamite
could've blown out the pilot light
days before the explosion. The gas,
it seems, was just a detonator.

JACK
Who do you think could've done this?

DETECTIVE STERN
I'll ask the questions, son.

TYLER
(whispering in Jack's ear)
Tell him...

Jack almost leaps out his skin, startled; looks to see Tyler
standing right next to him.

JACK
Huh?

TYLER
(overlap w/below)
"The liberator who destroyed my
property has re-aligned my paradigm
of perception."

JACK
Shhhhhh!
(into phone,
overlap w/above)
I don't know what to make of this,
sir, I really don't...

DETECTIVE STERN
Do you know anyone who'd have the
expertise or motive to do something
like this?

TYLER
"I reject the basic assumptions of
civilization, including material
possession."

Jack pushes Tyler away, cups the receiving.

JACK
(into phone)
No. No, sir. I loved that condo.
I loved every stick of furniture.
The lamps, the chairs, the rugs, were
me. The dishes were me. The plants
were...

JACK (V.O.)
I'd like to thank the academy...

DETECTIVE STERN
Well, if any ideas come to you, give
me a call. In the meantime, don't
leave town. I may need to bring you
in for questioning.

END INTERCUT

Jack hangs up. Tyler shrugs.

TYLER
Could be worse. You could be cursed
with the three terrible Karmas. You
could be beautiful, rich and famous.

Jack turns away, continues to scrub his pants. Marla's
FOOTSTEPS can be HEARD coming downstairs...

Jack really grinds the soap against the pants, splashing
water. He turns, sees Marla enter. Tyler is GONE. Marla
lights a cigarette.

JACK (V.O.)
Except for their humping, Tyler and
Marla were never in the same room.
MARLA
I got this dress at a thrift store
for one dollar.

JACK
(keeps scrubbing)
Worth every penny.

JACK (V.O.)
My parents pulled this exact act for
years -- one came in, the other
disappeared.

Marla begins a slow, exotic dance, moving very close to
Jack. She lifts her dress dangerously high, dancing close
to Jack's body, almost touhcing.

MARLA
(seductive)
It's a bridesmaid's dress. Someone
loved it intensely for one day, then
tossed it. Like a Christmas tree --
so special, then, bam -- it's
abandoned on the side of the road,
tinsel still clinging to it...

Jack becomes very aware of having no pants on, presses
against the counter. Marla pulls her hemline further up.

MARLA
Like sex crime victims, underwear
inside-out, bound with electrical
tape.

JACK
(coldly)
It suits you.

She leans in very close to Jack's ear, whispers hoarsely:

MARLA
You can borrow it sometime.

Jack takes a step away, keeps scrubbing. Marla blows smoke
in his face. Jack takes her cigarette and throws it in the
sink. Marla backs away, fed up, storms out, going UPSTAIRS.

TYLER (O.S.)
Get rid of her.

Jack turns to see Tyler in the doorway.
JACK
You get rid of her.

TYLER
(pointing at Jack)
Don't mention me.

Marla's FOOTSTEPS are coming DOWNSTAIRS. Jack looks to the
archway, then back at -- Tyler's GONE. Marla enters, shoes
and balled up clothing under one arm, looking for something
on the junk strewn table.

JACK (V.O.)
I'm six years old again, passing
messages between my parents.

JACK
I, uh... think you should go now.

Marla ignores, still searching the table, tossing things,
pushing other things off to the floor.

JACK
It's time for you to leave.

MARLA
Don't worry, I'm leaving.

Marla finds what she wanted, a pack of cigarettes. She
moves up into Jack's face.

MARLA
You're such a nutcase, I can't even
begin to keep up.

JACK
Goodbye.

She laughs, spins on her heels. As she exits the back door,
she sings "This Merry-Go-Round" from "Valley of the Dolls."
Jack watches her through the kitchen window.

TYLER (O.S.)
Nice work.

Jack turns. Tyler's right behind him. Through the window,
Marla can be seen walking away. Tyler picks up the remnant
of SOAP Jack's been using, holds it up to Jack.

TYLER
To make soap, first we have to render
fat.

Jack looks at Tyler.

CLOSE UP - SIGN: "DANGER - BIOHAZARD."
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In the aftermath of a suspicious fire at his condo, Jack is interrogated by Detective Stern, who reveals the blaze was deliberately started. As the investigation unfolds, Jack's paranoia escalates, fueled by cryptic whispers from an imaginary figure named Tyler. His unease intensifies when his former lover, Marla, confronts him. Tyler urges Jack to reject Marla, and as she leaves, Jack realizes Tyler has vanished. Amidst the chaos, Jack's grip on reality continues to slip.
Strengths
  • Intriguing dialogue
  • Tension-building
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly cryptic or confusing
Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the transition between Detective Stern's conversation and Tyler's sudden appearance, causing confusion for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Detective Stern and Jack feels forced and unnatural, with Jack's responses coming across as overly scripted and not reflective of genuine reactions.
  • The sudden appearance of Tyler whispering cryptic messages to Jack feels contrived and disrupts the flow of the scene, making it feel disjointed.
  • The interaction between Marla and Jack lacks depth and emotional resonance, with Marla's seductive dance and dialogue feeling out of place and disconnected from the overall tone of the scene.
  • The visual elements, such as Marla's dance and Jack's obsessive scrubbing, do not effectively convey the underlying tension and conflict between the characters.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the transition between Detective Stern's conversation and Tyler's appearance to ensure a smoother flow of the scene.
  • Focus on creating more natural and authentic dialogue between characters to enhance the believability of their interactions.
  • Integrate Tyler's presence in a more organic and seamless manner to avoid abrupt shifts in tone and pacing.
  • Develop the interaction between Marla and Jack to deepen their relationship dynamics and add layers of complexity to their exchanges.
  • Enhance the visual storytelling elements to better convey the emotional subtext and conflicts between the characters in a more subtle and nuanced way.



Scene 22 -  The Human Fat Heist
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. FENCED-IN BIOHAZARD WASTE DUMP SITE - NIGHT

Tyler stands inside the fence. Jack's atop the fence,
struggling to cross BARBED WIRE. He wobbles, gets over,
snags his shirt. Jack falls, RIPPPPP. Tyler helps.

FOOTSTEPS. A FLASHLIGHT BEAM. Tyler pulls Jack behind a
DUMPSTER, one of DOZENS. A silhouette of a SECURITY GUARD
moves along the perimeter, flashlight first. He walks away.

MOVE BACK to Tyler and Jack, who emerge from hiding. Tyler
eagerly grabs the lid of the closest dumpster.

TYLER
The best fat for making soap --
because the salt balance is just
right -- comes form human bodies...

Tyler lifts the lid -- it CREAKS.

JACK
What is this place?

TYLER
A liposuction clinic.

From the dumpster, Tyler pulls out an industrial-sized,
thick plastic bag full of PINK GOO.

TYLER
Paydirt. From society's richest
asses and thighs.

TIME CUT: Tyler and Jack climb back over the fence, carrying
BAGS of fat. One of Jack's bags RIPS, spilling the goo down
the chain-link fench. Jack slips and slides. Tyler laughs.
Tyler tries to scoop the running fat back into the bag.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Tyler and Jack break into a waste dump and steal bags of human fat to make soap. Despite a minor setback when a bag rips, they manage to escape with their ill-gotten gains.
Strengths
  • Unique concept
  • Intense tone
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Potential for disturbing content
Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, leaving the audience confused about the significance of the characters' actions.
  • The dialogue between Tyler and Jack feels forced and unnatural, lacking depth and authenticity.
  • The setting of a biohazard waste dump site is intriguing but underutilized, failing to create a sense of tension or danger.
  • The interaction between Tyler and Jack does not effectively convey the dark and twisted nature of their activities, missing an opportunity to build suspense and intrigue.
  • The physical comedy of Jack slipping on the spilled fat comes across as more comical than impactful, detracting from the serious tone of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the purpose of the characters' actions and dialogue to drive the scene forward and engage the audience.
  • Enhance the authenticity of the dialogue to better reflect the complex relationship between Tyler and Jack.
  • Utilize the eerie setting of the biohazard waste dump site to create a sense of danger and foreboding, adding depth to the scene.
  • Deepen the characterization of Tyler and Jack to highlight the dark and twisted nature of their activities, increasing the tension and suspense.
  • Consider revising the physical comedy element to align with the overall tone of the scene and maintain consistency in the storytelling.



Scene 23 -  Pain and Enlightenment: Tyler's Soap Lesson
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

Jack and Tyler each stir a boiling pot.

TYLER
As the fat renders, the tallow floats
to the surface. Remember the crap
they taught you in Boy Scouts.
JACK
Hard to imagine you in Boy Scouts.

TYLER
This clear layer in glycerin. We'll
mix it back in when we make the soap.

Tyler sticks a spoon into a pot, lifts up a scoop of the
glycerin layer. Then, he crabs a can, opens it.

TYLER
Lye -- the crucial ingredient.
(adding lye to mix)
Ancient peoples found their clothes
got cleaner if they washed them at a
certain spot in the river. Why?
Because, human sacrifices were once
made on the hills above this river.
Year after year, bodies burnt. Rain
feel. Water seeped through the wood
ashes to become lye. The lye
combined with the melted fat of the
bodies, till a thick white soapy
discharge crept into the river.

Tyler licks his lips until they're gleaming wet. He takes
Jack's hands and KISSES the back of it.

TYLER
The first soap was made from the
ashes of heroes. Like the first
monkeys shot into space.

The saliva shines in the shape of the kiss. Tyler pours a
bit of the flaked lye onto Jack's hand.

TYLER
Without sacrifice, without death, we
would have nothing.

Jack's whole body JERKS. Tyler holds tight to Jack's hand
and arm. Tears well in Jack's eyes; his face tightens.

TYLER
This is a chemical burn. It will
hurt more than you've ever been
burned and you will have a scar.

Jack looks -- the burn is swollen, glossy, in the shape of
Tyler's kiss. Jack's face spasms.
JACK (V.O.)
Tyler's kiss was a bonfire on the
back of my hand.

TYLER
Look at your hand.

JACK (V.O.)
Guided meditation worked for cancer,
it could work for this.

SHOT OF A GREEN MAPLE LEAF, GLISTENING WITH DEW. RESUME:

Tyler looks at Jack's glazed and detached eyes.

TYLER
Come back to the pain. Don't shut
this out.

Jack, snapping back, tries to jerk his hand away. Tyler
keeps hold of it and their arms KNOCK UTENSILS off the table.

JACK (V.O.)
I tried not to think of the words
"searing" or "flesh." I imagined my
pain as a ball of healing white light.

SHOT OF A FOREST, IN GENTLE SPRING RAINFALL. RESUME:

Tyler JERKS Jack's hand, getting Jack's attention...

TYLER
Stop it. This is your pain -- your
burning hand. It's right here. Look
at it.

JACK (V.O.)
I was going to my cave to find my
power animal.

SHOT OF THE INSIDE OF JACK'S FROZEN ICE CAVE. RESUME:

Tyler JERKS Jack's hand again. Jack re-focuses on Tyler...

TYLER
Don't deal with this the way those
dead people do. Deal with it the way
a living person does.

SHOT OF INSIDE THE ICE CAVE - ON MARLA, LYING NAKED UNDER A
FUR COAT, TURNING HER HEAD TO LOOK TOWARDS US. RESUME:
Jack tries to pull his hand free. Tyler won't let go.
Jack's eyes glaze over again. Jack speaks, whiny from pain:

JACK
I... I think I understand. I think
I get it...

TYLER
No, what you're feeling is premature
enlightenment.

SHOT OF A GREEN FOREST WITHOUT RAIN. RESUME:

Tyler SLAPS Jack's face, regaining his attention...

TYLER
This is the greatest moment of your
life and you're off somewhere,
missing it.

JACK
No, I'm not...

SHOT OF TREES ENGULFED BY A FOREST FIRE. RESUME:

TYLER
Shut up. Our fathers were our models
for God. And, if our fathers bailed,
what does that tell us about God?

JACK
I don't know...

SHOT OF EMBERS POURING FROM THE HELLISH FOREST FIRE. RESUME:

Tyler SLAPS Jack's face again...

TYLER
Listen to me. You have to consider
the possibility that God doesn't like
you, he never wanted you. In all
probability, He hates you. This is
not the worst thing that can happen...

JACK
It isn't... ?

TYLER
We don't need him...

JACK
We don't... ?
SHOT OF INSIDE ICE CAVE - NAKED MARLA PULLS JACK DOWN ON TOP
OF HER - JACK KISSES HER - CIGARETTE SMOKE COMES FROM HER
MOUTH - JACK COUGHS. RESUME:

Jack is a wide-eyed zombie...

JACK
... Marla ... ?

TYLER
Fuck damnation. Fuck redemption. We
are God's unwanted children, with no
special place and no special
attention, and so be it.

Jack looks at Tyler -- they lock eyes. Jack does his best
to stifle his spasms of pain, his body a quivering, coiled
knot. He bolts toward the sink, but Tyler holds on.

TYLER
You can go to the sink and run water
over your hand. Look at me. Or you
can use vinegar to neutralize the
burn, but first you have to give up.
First, you have to know that someday,
you are going to die. Until you know
that, you will be useless.

Jack spasms with a shiver of pain...

JACK
You ... you don't know what this
feels like, Tyler.

Tyler shows Jack a LYE-BURNED KISS SCAR on his own hand.
Tears begin to drip from Jack's eyes. Tyler grabs a bottle
of VINEGAR -- pours it over Jack's wound.

Jack closes his eyes, holds his hand... slumps to the floor.

TYLER
Congratulations. You're a step
closer to hitting bottom.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In Tyler's kitchen, Jack watches as Tyler explains the process of soap-making. Tyler burns Jack's hand with lye, demonstrating pain and sacrifice. Tyler's philosophical monologue challenges Jack's beliefs about God and existence, leading to a moment of realization. As the scene ends, Jack collapses to the floor, brought closer to 'hitting bottom' as Tyler intended.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional and philosophical depth
  • Complex character exploration
  • Thought-provoking dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some may find the scene too intense or dark
Critique
  • The scene in the kitchen where Tyler and Jack are making soap is filled with intense and graphic imagery that may be unsettling for some viewers. The use of human fat and lye to make soap is a disturbing concept that may be too dark for some audiences.
  • The dialogue between Tyler and Jack is heavy-handed and overly philosophical, with Tyler delivering long monologues about sacrifice, death, and God. This can come across as preachy and may lose the audience's interest.
  • The scene lacks subtlety in its exploration of pain and enlightenment, with Tyler inflicting physical pain on Jack to teach him a lesson. This heavy-handed approach to conveying themes of suffering and self-discovery may feel forced and melodramatic.
  • The visual elements in the scene, such as the burning hand, the kiss scar, and the forest fire, are used to symbolize deeper themes but may come across as overly symbolic and disconnected from the narrative.
  • The scene's focus on pain, sacrifice, and God's role in human suffering may be too abstract and esoteric for some viewers, leading to a disconnect between the characters' experiences and the audience's ability to relate.
Suggestions
  • Consider toning down the graphic imagery and dark themes surrounding the soap-making process to make the scene more palatable for a wider audience.
  • Streamline the dialogue to make it more concise and impactful, focusing on key points rather than long philosophical speeches.
  • Find a more nuanced and subtle way to explore the themes of pain, sacrifice, and enlightenment without resorting to overtly dramatic and heavy-handed methods.
  • Integrate the visual elements more organically into the narrative to enhance the storytelling rather than distract from it.
  • Ensure that the themes of the scene are conveyed in a way that resonates with the audience and feels relevant to the characters' journey without becoming too abstract or detached.



Scene 24 -  Stolen Soap and Fight Club Secrets
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. BARNEY'S - DAY

Jack and Tyler, in trench coats, looking like deaht-warmed-
over, wait as a BUYER fills out forms.

There are bars of "The Paper Street Soap Company" soap on
the counter. Jack looks like he's half-expecting to get
arrested. His hand is BANDAGED.

JACK (V.O.)
Tyler sold the soap to department
stores at twenty bucks a Ear. God
knows what they charged. How ironic.
We were selling rich women their own
fat asses back to them.

INT. JACK'S OFFICE - DAY

Jack sits at his desk, playing a game on his computer,
smoking a cigarette. Boss enters.

JACK (V.O.)
He was wearing a yellow tie. It must
be Thursday. I didn't even wear a tie
to work anymore.

Boss slaps a piece of PAPER down on Jack's desk.

BOSS
"The first rule of fight club is you
don't talk about fight club."

Jack snuffs his cigarette in an ashtray, stares up stoically.

JACK (V.O.)
I must've left the original in the
copy machine.

BOSS
"The second rule of fight club...
Is this yours?

JACK
Hmm?

BOSS
You don't get paid to abuse the copy
machine.

JACK
"Abuse" the copy machine. There's an
image.

BOSS
Pretend you're me. You find this.
What would you do?

Jack rises slowly, walks to his door, shuts it.
JACK
Me? I'd be very careful who I talked
to about this. It sounds like
someone dangerous wrote it... someone
who might snap at any moment,
stalking from office to office with
an Armalite AR-10 Carbine-gas
semiautomatic, bitterly pumping round
after round into colleagues and co-
workers.

Jack moves very close to Boss, picks up the PAPER and starts
tearing it into pieces.

JACK
Might be someone you've known for
years... somebody very close to you.
Or, maybe you shouldn't be bringing
me every little piece of trash you
pick up.

Jack puts the PAPER in his trash. Bass stares with a tinge
of outrage, a tinge of fear. PHONE RINGS. Jack answers it.

JACK
Compliance and Liability.

MARLA'S VOICE
My tit's going to rot off.

JACK
Just a second.
(to Boss; smiles)
Could you excuse me? I need to take
this call.

Boss goes to the door, stares at Jack a beat, then leaves.

JACK
(into phone)
What are you talking about?

INTERCUT WITH - CLOSE UP OF MARLA...

MARLA
Would you do something for me? I
need you to check and see if there's
a lump in my breast. I can't afford
to throw money away on a doctor.

JACK
I don't know ...
MARLA
Please.

JACK (V.O.)
She didn't call Tyler. I'm neutral
in her book.

EXT. MARLA'S HOTEL - SUNSET

Jack walks down the sidewalk, seeing Marla take two BOXES
from a VAN with the sign "MEALS ON WHEELS."

INT. MARLA'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Marla leads Jack inside.

JACK
This is a sweet side of you. Picking
these up for ...
(reads the boxes:)
"Mrs. Haniver" and... "Mrs. Raines."
Where are they?

MARLA
Tragically, they're dead. I'm alive
and I'm in poverty. You want any?

JACK
No, thanks.

MARLA
Good.

He stares at her while she eats.

MARLA
What happened to your hand?

Jack awkwardly puts his bandaged hand behind his back.

JACK
Nothing.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Disguised in a bar, Jack and Tyler watch a buyer complete paperwork for stolen soap. Jack reflects on the irony of selling women their own body fat. At his office, Jack's boss confronts him about fight club rules found in a copy machine. Jack denies knowledge but warns him to be cautious. Marla requests that Jack examine her breast for lumps, which he agrees to do. Later, Jack encounters Marla distributing meals to the homeless. When she inquires about his injured hand, he evades the question, leaving an air of mystery and concern.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Dark humor
  • Social commentary
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Lack of overt action or suspense
Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of direction and purpose, with disjointed elements that don't fully connect or contribute to the overall story arc.
  • The dialogue between Jack and his boss feels forced and unnatural, lacking depth and authenticity in their interaction.
  • The transition from Jack tearing up the paper to receiving a call from Marla feels abrupt and disjointed, making the scene feel disconnected.
  • The introduction of Marla's request for Jack to check her breast for lumps feels out of place and doesn't flow smoothly within the context of the scene.
  • The visual descriptions and actions of the characters could be more vivid and engaging to create a stronger sense of atmosphere and tension.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue between Jack and his boss to make it more dynamic and reflective of their relationship and the overall tone of the scene.
  • Work on creating a smoother transition between different elements of the scene to ensure a cohesive and engaging narrative flow.
  • Integrate Marla's request for Jack to check her breast for lumps more organically into the conversation to make it feel like a natural progression of their interaction.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions and character actions to create a more immersive and vivid scene that captures the emotions and dynamics at play.
  • Focus on refining the purpose and impact of each element in the scene to ensure they contribute meaningfully to the overall story and character development.



Scene 25 -  Awkward Encounter and Fight Club
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. MARLA'S ROOM - NIGHT

Marla stands facing a MIRROR with her shirt open. Jack
stands behind her with his hand on the bottom side of her
breast. Marla's hand guides his.

JACK
Where? Here?
MARLA
Here.

JACK
There?

MARLA
Here.

JACK
Here.

MARLA
Feel anything?

JACK
No.

Jack's head is behind Marla's. They speak softer, slower.

MARLA
Make sure.

JACK
Okay. Okay, I'm sure.

MARLA
You feel nothing?

JACK
Nothing.

Marla turns around and faces him, begins to button her shirt.

MARLA
Well, that's a relief. Thank you.

JACK
No... no problem.

MARLA
I wish I could return the favor.

Jack touches his own chest, shakes his head.

JACK
I think everything's okay here.

MARLA
I could check your prostate.
JACK
Uh ... nah.

MARLA
(pause)
Well... thanks, anyway.

Marla leans to kiss him -- lingers for a bit longer than
just friendly. Jack pulls away.

JACK
So.... are we done?

Marla sighs.

MARLA
Yeah, we're done. See you around.

EXT. HOTEL - MOMENTS LATER

Jack emerges from the lobby. He looks up at Marla's window,
watches her silhouette. He walks away, right into -- Big
BOB, the moose, eating a donut and drinking orange juice.

BOB
Cornelius! How are you?

JACK
Bob. I'm okay. How are you?

BOB
Better than I've ever been in my life.

JACK
Really? Great. Still "Remaining Men
Together?"

An intense look of born-again fervor comes over Bob's face.

BOB
No. I found something new.

JACK
Really, what's that?

BOB
(quietly)
The first rule is... you aren't
supposed to talk about it...

JACK
Oh.
BOB
And the second rule about it is...
you're not supposed to talk about it.
And the third rule...

JACK
Bob, Bob... I'm a member.

BOB
You are?!

JACK
Look at my face.

Bob roughly slaps Jack's shoulder.

BOB
That's a fucking great, man! Fucking
great! Congratulations.

JACK
Yeah, both of us.

BOB
You know about the guy who invented
it? I hear all kinds of things.
Supposedly, he was born in a mental
institution. They say he only sleeps
one hour a night. You know about
this guy? Tyler Durden?

INT. BASEMENT - ELECTRONICS WKREHOUSE - NIGHT

The CROWD SCREAMS insanely as Bob and Jack go at it in the
circle of light. Bob's eyes are wild with glee.

EXT. BASEMENT DOOR - ELECTRONICS WAREHOUSE - LATER

Everyone sneaks out of this new location - we've seen none
of these guys before - it's a new chapter. Jack and Bob
Stagger out last, Jack being in worse shape. They both grin
with religious serenity. Bob hugs Jack.

BOB
Thank you. Thank you.

Bob relaxes the hug and Jack drops to the ground like a
sack, completely enervated from the beating he took.

JACK
You're welcome.
JACK (V.O.)
Fight club -- this was mine and
Tyler's gift... our gift to the world.

INT. KITCHEN -- MORNING

Jack has his briefcase on the table, looks at PAPERWORK.
Tyler wanders in, carries a dirty pot to the sink. Jack
takes out a cigarette, lights up. He offers the pack...

TYLER
No thanks, I quit.

JACK
You quit?

TYLER
Yeah. Where you headed?

JACK
Work. Going to work.

Tyler scratches his chin absently.

JACK
What... ?

TYLER
Nothing. Do what you like.

Tyler walks out the way he came.

INT. JACK'S OFFICE - DAY

Jack sits staring at his SCREEN SAVER.
Genres: ["Drama","Dark Comedy"]

Summary Jack and Marla share an intimate moment. Jack meets Bob, who introduces him to 'Remaining Men Together' and a fight club, where Jack finds a sense of purpose. The scene ends with Jack preparing for work, feeling serene.
Strengths
  • Sharp dialogue
  • Character dynamics
  • Tension building
Weaknesses
  • Limited character development in this specific scene
Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of purpose or direction, with the interaction between Jack and Marla feeling forced and awkward.
  • The dialogue between Jack and Marla is stilted and lacks depth, making it difficult for the audience to connect with the characters.
  • The transition from the intimate moment between Jack and Marla to the encounter with Big Bob feels abrupt and disjointed.
  • The introduction of Bob and the discussion about 'Remaining Men Together' feels out of place and disrupts the flow of the scene.
  • The scene fails to build tension or create a sense of intrigue, leaving the audience feeling disconnected from the characters and their motivations.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue between Jack and Marla to make it more authentic and emotionally resonant.
  • Focus on developing a clear and cohesive narrative arc for the scene to ensure that each interaction serves a purpose and moves the story forward.
  • Integrate the introduction of Bob and the discussion about 'Remaining Men Together' more seamlessly into the scene to avoid disrupting the flow.
  • Explore ways to build tension and create a sense of intrigue to keep the audience engaged and invested in the characters and their journey.
  • Consider refining the pacing of the scene to allow for more natural transitions between different interactions and plot points.



Scene 26 -  Confrontation in the Office
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. BOSS'S OFFICE - DAY

Jack steps into the open doorway, knocks on the doorframe.
Boss looks up from his large, expensive desk.

JACK
We need to talk.

BOSS
Okay. Where to begin? With your
constant absenteeism? With your
unpresentable appearance? You're up
for review...

JACK
I Am Jack's Complete Lack of Surprise.

Boss sits up in his seat, becoming enraged.

JACK
Let's pretend. You're the Department
of Transportation, and you discover
that our company intentionally did
nothing about leather seats cured in
third world countries with chemicals
we know cause birth defects? Brake
linings that fail after a thousand
miles. Fuel injectors that burn
people alive.

BOSS
Just who the fuck do you think you
are?! Get out! You're fired!

JACK
What about this? Keep me on payroll
as an outside consultant. In
exchange for my salary, I'll keep my
mouth shut. I won't need to come to
the office. I can do this job from
home.

Boss stands, moves around his desk, glaring with rage.

BOSS
You little fucker! I oughta...

Jack PUNCHES HIMSELF in the nose. Blood starts to trickle.
He punches himself in the jaw, throws himself back as if by
the force of the punch, SLAMS against a framed picture and
SHATTERS the glass. He falls to the floor.

JACK (V.O.)
I Am Jack's Smirking Revenge.

Jack gets back to his feet.

JACK
Please... don't hit me again, please.
I'm your responsibility...

He PUNCHES himself in the stomach, then in the jaw again.
He reels backwards, pulls down a hanging shelf, its contents
flying. He hits the floor.

JACK (V.O.)
For some reason, I thought of my
first fight -- with Tyler.

Jack crawls toward Boss, dripping blood, grabs Boss's leg.

JACK
Please... give me the paychecks like
I asked for. I won't be any trouble.
You won't see me again.

Jack climbs up Boss's leg while Boss tries to shake him off.
Boss stumbles back into his desk, knocking off belongings.

JACK (V.O.)
Under and behind and inside
everything this man took for granted,
something horrible had been growing.

Jack crawls high enough to grab Boss's belt, hoisting
himself up. He dribbles blood an Boss's clothing, SMUDGES
blood from his face onto the knuckles of Boss's hand.

JACK
Please... please...

JACK (V.O.)
And right then, at our most excellent
moment together...

Two SECURITY GUARDS enter and gape at the sight. Behind
them stand CURIOUS WORKERS, looking in.

JACK
(gurgling blood)
Please don't hit me again.

INT. TYLER'S HOUSE - ENTRANCE FOYER - DAY

Jack holds a CHECK in front of Tyler's face.

JACK
Six months advance pay. Six months!

TYLER
Fucking sweet.

JACK
Okay, and... and...

Jack digs in his pocket, takes out a thick bundle of CARDS.

JACK
Forty-eight airline flight coupons.
Plus... hold on... just a minute...

Jack holds up a finger, going to open the front door. He
drags an unwieldy SHOPPING CART in behind him; filled with
his COMPUTER, PHONE, FAX and other office equipment.

JACK
I am now officially self-employed.

Jack looks at the cart, then back at Tyler, proud.

TYLER
Good for you.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Jack confronts his boss about unethical practices in the company, offers to stay silent in exchange for a salary as an outside consultant. The boss becomes enraged and fires Jack after Jack physically assaults himself in front of him, causing a scene. The intense and confrontational tone of the scene ends with Jack being fired and transitioning to a new scene at Tyler's house where Jack receives advance pay and declares himself self-employed.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Unique negotiation tactic
  • Complex character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Graphic self-harm may be disturbing to some viewers
Critique
  • The scene starts with a strong confrontation between Jack and his boss, but the transition to Jack physically assaulting himself feels abrupt and disconnected from the initial conflict.
  • The self-inflicted violence seems extreme and out of character based on the previous scenes, where Jack is shown as more passive and introspective.
  • The dialogue between Jack and his boss lacks subtlety and nuance, coming across as overly dramatic and forced.
  • The escalation of self-harm and pleading for mercy from Jack feels exaggerated and melodramatic, detracting from the overall tone of the scene.
  • The introduction of the security guards and curious workers at the end feels contrived and adds an unnecessary layer of chaos to an already intense moment.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the transition from the confrontation with the boss to Jack physically assaulting himself to make it more organic and believable.
  • Tone down the extreme self-inflicted violence and focus on Jack's internal struggle and emotional turmoil in a more subtle way.
  • Refine the dialogue between Jack and his boss to make it more realistic and reflective of their relationship dynamics.
  • Avoid melodrama and focus on conveying Jack's inner conflict and desperation in a more nuanced manner.
  • Reconsider the introduction of additional characters like the security guards and workers to maintain the focus on Jack's internal struggle.



Scene 27 -  Confrontation at Lou's Tavern
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. LOU'S TAVERN - BASEMENT - NIGHT

LOUD. An enormous CROWD of guys, including Jack and Bob,
stands around Tyler, who's in the center of the circle,
holding up his hands to quiet them...

TYLER
I look around... I look around and
see a lot of new faces.

An enthusiastic RUMBLE from the crowd.

TYLER
Shut up! Which means a lot of you
have been breaking the first two
rules of fight club.

A glum silence falls. Guys look at each other.

TYLER
I see in fight club the strongest and
smartest men who have ever lived --
an entire generation pumping gas and
waiting tables; or they're slaves
with white collars.
(more)

TYLER (cont)
Advertisements have them chasing cars
and clothes, working jobs they hate
so they can buy shit they don't need.
We are the middle children of
history, with no purpose or place.
We have no great war, or great
depression. The great war is a
spiritual war. The great depression
is our lives. We were raised by
television to believe that we'd be
millionaires and movie gods and rock
stars -- but we won't. And we're
learning that fact. And we're very,
very pissed-off.

The crowd erupts into a DEAFENING CHORUS of agreement. Jack
looks at the blazing excitement in the eyes of the crowd.

TYLER
We are the quiet young men who listen
until it's time to decide.

A fat, MIDDLE-AGED MAN stomps down the stairs, pushing into
the crowd, followed by a TALL, HEFTY THUG who holds a GUM.

TYLER
Who are you?

FAT MAN (LOU)
Who am I?! There's a sign on the
front that says "Lou's Tavern." I'm
fucking Lou. Who the fuck are you?!

TYLER
Tyler Durden.

Tyler extends his hand for a shake, but Lou SLAPS it away.

LOU
Who told you motherfuckers you could
use my place?

TYLER
We have a deal worked out with Irvine.

LOU
Irvine? Irvine's at home with a
broken collarbone.

Everyone glances guiltily at each other.

LOU
He don't own this place, I do. How
much money's he getting for this?

TYLER
There is no money.

LOU
Really?

TYLER
It's free to all.

LOU
Ain't that something?

TYLER
Yes, it is.

LOU
Look, stupid fuck, I want everyone
outta here now!

TYLER
You're welcome to join our club.

LOU
Did you hear what I just said?!

TYLER
You and your friend.

Lou SLUGS Tyler in the stomach, doubles him over.

LOU
You hear me now?

Tyler gains his breath, determined. He looks up, turns his
head, looking to Jack. Jack watches, wide-eyed.

Tyler straightens, facing Lou.

TYLER
No, I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.

Lou PUNCHES Tyler in the face. Some of the guys move
forward, but the Thug points his gun. Jack-runs forward
anyway -- Lou PUNCHES him in the face.

More guys move forward, but Tyler waves them off, facing Lou.

TYLER
We really need to use this place.

Lou proceeds to beat the shit out of Tyler, PUNCHING his
face, his stomach. Tyler collapses to the floor. Lou
starts KICKING his. Tyler bleeds from the mouth and face.

TYLER
That's it.... that's good. Get it
all out. You'll feel better.

Lou flushes red with exasperation, KICKS more. Finally,
sweating, bewildered, Lou stops. He looks to the Thug, who
is just as bewildered.

Suddenly, Tyler SPRINGS UP, grabs onto Lou...

TYLER
Yes, I am shit and crazy, to you and
this whole fucking world...

Tyler's blood spatters on Lou. Lou tries to shake Tyler
off, but Tyler BITES Lou's NECKTIE. The Thug grabs Tyler
and pulls, the necktie tightening and strangling Lou. Lou
slaps at Tyler's face, but recoils from the blood. Tyler
spits and shouts through clenched teeth...

TYLER
You don't know where I've been.

Tyler bear hugs Lou, pulls him to the floor. Tyler rubs his
bloody face into Lou's face. The Thug lifts Tyler. Tyler
clings to Lou's belt, dragging Lou as he is dragged...

TYLER
We need this place. We need it.
Please let us keep it, please...

Blood dribbles out of Tyler's mouth, spattering Lou.

LOU
What are you doing?!

TYLER
Pleeeeeease!

LOU
Okay! Okay, fuck it! Use the
basement! Get off me!

TYLER
We need some towels, Lou. We need
replacement light bulbs.

LOU
Alright, Christ! Fucking let me go!

TYLER
Thank you. Thank you, sir...

LOU
Let go of me!!

Tyler lets go of Lou's belt. Lou scrambles away. The Thug
drops Tyler, trying to keep clear of the blood. Lou gets to
his feet, looks at Tyler, then at the rest of the guys. He
and the Thug back away... slamming the door behind.

Fight club surrounds Tyler. They help him up, move him to
a crate. Tyler sits slumped for a long moment, his
breathing labored... then, he sits back, crossing his legs
and looking to the group, his demeanor businesslike.

TYLER
This week, each of you has a homework
assignment. You're going to go out
and start a fight with a total
stranger...
(pause, drooling blood)
You're going to start a fight... and
you're going to lose.

Jack beams in appreciation.
Genres: ["Drama","Action"]

Summary Tyler confronts Lou, the owner of Lou's Tavern, about using the basement for fight club. After a physical altercation, Lou reluctantly agrees to let them use the space. Tyler then assigns the members of fight club a homework assignment to start a fight with a stranger and lose.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Powerful dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Potentially triggering content
Critique
  • The scene starts with a powerful speech by Tyler, but the transition to the confrontation with Lou feels a bit abrupt and disjointed.
  • The physical altercation between Tyler and Lou is intense and violent, which may be unsettling for some viewers.
  • The dialogue and actions in the scene are impactful but may benefit from more context or build-up to enhance the emotional impact.
  • The scene could explore the motivations and emotions of Lou and Tyler more deeply to add layers to their conflict.
  • The resolution of the conflict with Lou feels slightly rushed and could be developed further to provide a more satisfying conclusion.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding a smoother transition between Tyler's speech and the confrontation with Lou to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Explore the characters' motivations and emotions in more depth to create a more nuanced and engaging conflict.
  • Provide more context or build-up to the physical altercation to enhance the impact of the violence on the audience.
  • Consider pacing the scene to allow for moments of tension and release, building up to the resolution with Lou for a more satisfying conclusion.
  • Focus on the aftermath of the confrontation to show the consequences of the characters' actions and decisions.



Scene 28 -  Fight Club Mayhem
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. STREET - DAY

Ricky trips a passing YUPPIE. The Yuppie falls.

JACK (V.O.)
Not as easy as it sounds. People'll
do just about anything to avoid a
fight.

The Yuppies gets up, angry, and Ricky PUNCHES him...

YUPPIE
Hey! Wha... What the hell... what
are you doing?! Who are you?!!

The Yuppie backs away. Ricky follows...

YUPPIE
Get away from me! Keep away!
NO... !

Ricky TACKLES the Yuppie. The Yuppie struggles spastically.

YUPPIE
Who are you!? Why are you attacking
me... ?!

Having no recourse, the Yuppie begins trading blows.

EXT. AUTO SHOP - DAY

A MECHANIC WITH A BATTERED FACE uses a hose to wash the
sidewalk. As MEN pass, he jerks the hose up and SPRAYS them.

FIRST MAN
Hey... hey...

SECOND MAN
Watch out, jackass!

These men continue on their way.

The Mechanic sprays a third man, a SEMINARY STUDENT, who
looks down, stunned.

SEMINARIAN
You... you did that on purpose!

The Mechanic DOUSES the Seminarian. The Seminarian grabs
the hose, wrestling the Mechanic for it. The Mechanic
shoves the Seminarian, who responds with a half-assed PUNCH.
The Mechanic purposely takes it. The Seminarian starts to
run away. The Mechanic sprints after him, PUNCHING the
Seminarian in the back of the neck. They fight.

INT. RECORD STORE STOCKROOM - NIGHT

A FIST smashes a JAW. Guys CHEER. An arm snakes around a
neck and squeezes, blood and sweat dripping. It's the
YUPPIE and the SEMINARIAN fighting. Tyler walks around the
perimeter of the circle.

JACK (V.O.)
Now nobody was the center of fight
club except the two men fighting.
The leader walked around in the
crowd, out in the darkness.

Tyler hands ENVELOPES out to the crowd.

JACK (V.O.)
Everyone took a homework assignment.

EXT. STREET - LATE NIGHT

Ricky and another FIGHT CLUBBER paste up a BILLBOARD which
reads: "DID YOU KNOW? YOU CAN USE YOUR OLD MOTOR OIL TO
FERTILIZE YOUR LAWN! -- ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY."

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE

HANDS use a MARKER, writing on a FILE: "Disinformation."

EXT. LARGE PARKING LOT - DAY
Jack and Tyler, in work gloves, armed with TOOLS, work
together to lift the entire METAL PLATE of EXIT SPIKES from
the ground. They reverse it, then replace it.

MOMENTS LATER

Jack and Tyler walk away, each carrying a 4x4 plank of WOOD.

JACK
There's fight club in Delaware City.

TYLER
I heard. Local 15, Monday nights.

As they pass PARKED CARS, they SWING the planks against
front bumpers -- activating ALARMS and INFLATING AIR BAGS...

JACK
Local 8 just started in Penns Grove.
And, Bob said he was at fight club in
Newcastle last week.

TYLER
Newcastle? Did you start that one?

JACK
I thought you did.

In the background, a CAR quickly EXITS the parking lot --
front tires EXPLODING, wheel rims throwing sparks.

INT. FAMILY HOUSEHOLD -- NIGHT

FATHER, MOTHER, YOUNG DAUGHTER and SON, eat dinner, watching
TELEVISION. Suddenly, the TV IMAGE turns to SNOW and static.

Family members stop eating. Father picks up the REMOTE,
points it -- all channels are SNOW.

Father turns the TV OFF. He and his family members look at
each other, utensils in hand, uncomfortable.

EXT. CITY ROOFTOPS - NIGHT

The Yuppie SWINGS a BASEBALL BAT -- DESTROYS a digital
SATELLITE DISH. The Yuppie and the Seminarian move on,
climbing to a neighboring rooftop. They come upon another
DISH. The Seminarian takes the bat, takes a SWING...

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE
HANDS place NEWS CLIPPINGS into a FILE: "Mischief."

INT. AIRPLANE CABIN - ON GROUND - DAY

Two AIRPLANE MAINTENANCE,MEN, with bruised faces, rip open
a box from a PRINT SHOP. They dig up AIRPLANE SAFETY
INSTRUCTION CARDS and begin inserting them into each
seatback. We SEE a CARD - it shows passengers SCREAMING
and FLAILING ABOUT IN TERROR.

INT. BUSINESS OFFICE - NIGHT

Huge office. Rows and rows of desks. FIGHT CLUB MEMBERS
work: one guy moving from COMPUTER MONITOR to COMPUTER
MONITOR, using a DRILL to drill a hole into the top of each.

Other guys follow behind, with FUNNELS and CANS of GASOLINE,
filling each monitor with gasoline.

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE

Files and newspaper clippings are piled up. HANDS write on
a new FILE FOLDER: "Arson."

EXT. ROOFTOP -- DAY

The Yuppie crumbles a loaf of stale bread into a bucket,
stirring it with a big spoon, mixing in a BOTTLE of EX-LAX.

Nearby, Rob throws handfuls of wet BREADCRUMBS to PIGEONS...
HUNDREDS of PIGEONS -- a rooftop feeding-frenzy.

EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT

Tyler and Jack cross the parking lot, towards the
convenience store. Jack wears a BACKPACK.

TYLER
Let me have that a minute...

Tyler takes the BACKPACK, unzips it, searching the contents.

JACK
What are we doing?

TYLER
Homework assignment.

JACK
What is it?

Tyler takes out a HANDGUN, hands the backpack back.
TYLER
Human Sacrifice.

Jack turns white, staring at the gun.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In a chaotic and violent scene, Ricky and the Yuppie fight, the Mechanic and the Seminarian engage in a water fight, Tyler distributes homework assignments, Jack and Tyler damage cars with planks, Fight Club members vandalize computers and airplanes, and Tyler retrieves a handgun from Jack's backpack.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Engaging plot development
  • Exploration of dark themes
Weaknesses
  • Potential for excessive violence
  • Disturbing content
Critique
  • The scene lacks clear transitions between the different locations and actions, making it feel disjointed and confusing for the audience.
  • The actions of the characters, such as Ricky tripping the Yuppie and the Mechanic spraying water on people, seem random and disconnected from the overall plot.
  • The dialogue is minimal and does not provide much insight into the characters' motivations or the purpose of their actions.
  • The visual elements, while descriptive, do not effectively convey the significance or impact of the characters' actions.
  • The scene lacks a clear focus or central conflict, making it difficult for the audience to engage with the story.
Suggestions
  • Consider streamlining the scene by focusing on one central action or conflict that drives the narrative forward.
  • Provide more context for the characters' motivations and actions to help the audience understand their roles in the story.
  • Improve the transitions between locations and actions to create a more cohesive and engaging scene.
  • Add depth to the dialogue to reveal the characters' inner thoughts and emotions, enhancing the audience's connection to the story.
  • Enhance the visual elements to better convey the impact and significance of the characters' actions on the overall plot.



Scene 29 -  The Value of Life
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
EXT. BEHIND THE CONVENIENCE STORE - MOMENTS LATER

The BACK DOOR opens and Tyler brings the store's CLERK out
at gunpoint, forces him to his knees. Jack follows,
freaked. Tyler points the gun at the Clerk.

JACK (V.O.)
On a long enough time line, the
survival rate for everyone drops to
zero.

CLERK
Please... don't...

TYLER
Give me your wallet.

The Clerk fumbles his wallet out of his pocket and Tyler
snatches it. Tyler pulls out the DRIVER'S LICENCE.

TYLER
Raymond K. Hessel. 1320 SE Benning,
apartment A. A small, cramped
basement apartment.

RAYMOND
How'd you know?

TYLER
They give basement apartments letters
instead of numbers. Raymond, you're
going to die.

Tyler rummages through the wallet.

TYLER
Is this a picture of Mom and Dad?

RAYMOND
Yesssss...

TYLER
Your mom and dad will have to call
kindly doctor so-and-so to dig up
your dental records, because there
won't be much left of your face.
RAYMOND
Please, God, no...

Raymond begins to weep, shoulders heaving.

JACK
Tyler...

TYLER
An expired community college student
ID card. What did you used to study,
Raymond K. Hessel?

RAYMOND
S-S-Stuff.

TYLER
"Stuff." Were the mid-terms hard?

Tyler rams the gun barrel against Raymond's temple.

TYLER
I asked you what you studied.

JACK
Tell him!

RAYMOND
Biology, mostly.

TYLER
Why?

RAYMOND
I... I don't know...

TYLER
What did you want to be, Raymond K.
Hessel?

Raymond weeps and says nothing. Tyler COCKS the gun.
Raymond GASPS.

TYLER
The question, Raymond, was "what did
you want to be?"

A beat.

JACK
Answer him!
RAYMOND
A veterinarian!

TYLER
Animals.

RAYMOND
Yeah ... animals and s-s-s ---

TYLER
Stuff. That means you have to get
more schooling.

RAYMOND
Too much school.

Tyler shoves Raymond's wallet back into Raymond's pocket.

TYLER
Would you rather be dead?

RAYMOND
No, please, no, God, no!

Tyler moves the gun right between Raymond's eyes.

RAYMOND
NOOOOO!

Tyler UNCOCKS the gun, lowers it.

TYLER
I'm keeping your license. I know
where you live. I'm going to check
on you. If you aren't back in school
and on your way to being a
veterinarian in six weeks, you will
be dead. Get the hell out of here.

Raymond staggers to his feet, heads down an alleyway. Jack
and Tyler watch Raymond flee, then Tyler looks at Jack.

JACK
I feel sick.

TYLER
Imagine how he feels.

Tyler brings the gun to his own head, pulls the trigger --
CLICK. Empty.
JACK
I don't care, that was horrible.

Tyler walks away.

TYLER
Tomorrow will be the most beautiful
day of Raymond K. Hessell's life.

Jack watches Tyler go.

TYLER
His breakfast will taste better than
any meal he has ever eaten.

Jack turns to look the direction Raymond ran. He finally
turns back, following after Tyler.

INT. BUSINESS OFFICE - NIGHT

SLOW MOTION: in the deserted office, gasoline filled
COMPUTER MONITORS begin to EXPLODE...BOOM...BOOM...BOOM... !

EXT. CITY STREETS -- MORNING

Luxury AUTOMOBILES are parked, splattered with BIRD SHIT.

EXT. PAPER ST. HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAWN

VIEWED OUT 3RD STORY WINDOW: Tyler uses a RAKE, dragging it
across rocks and dirt. He stops a moment, rake on his
shoulder, staring off. Then, back to work...

TYLER
(muttering quietly)
... You are not how much money you
have in the bank. You are not the
shoes you wear.

Tyler's marking a large SQUARE in the weeds and rubble of
the backyard, kicking rocks away, dragging the rake...

TYLER
You are not the contents of your
wallet...
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Tyler forces Raymond at gunpoint to reveal personal information and threatens to kill him if he does not enroll in veterinary school. Jack is horrified by Tyler's actions, but Tyler believes he is helping Raymond. The scene ends with Tyler contemplating the meaning of life while raking in his backyard.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • High stakes
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Potential for triggering content
  • Violent themes
Critique
  • The scene is intense and disturbing, with Tyler holding a store clerk at gunpoint and threatening his life.
  • The dialogue is impactful and reveals Tyler's menacing and manipulative nature, as well as the clerk's fear and desperation.
  • The use of violence and coercion to force the clerk into a specific path is unsettling and may be triggering for some viewers.
  • The scene effectively conveys Tyler's twisted sense of justice and control over others.
  • The visual imagery of the scene, such as the gun pointed at the clerk's head and his emotional breakdown, adds to the tension and unease.
Suggestions
  • Consider toning down the violence and coercion in the scene to make it less disturbing while still conveying Tyler's manipulative nature.
  • Focus on the emotional impact of the situation on both the clerk and Jack to deepen the character development and audience connection.
  • Explore alternative ways to showcase Tyler's control and power dynamics without resorting to extreme threats and violence.
  • Provide more context or resolution to the clerk's situation to give closure to the intense confrontation.
  • Consider adding moments of reflection or internal conflict for Jack to highlight the moral implications of the scene.



Scene 30 -  Confronting the Authorities
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. CITY BUS - NIGHT

The DRIVER has a broken nose. The bus is empty, except for
Jack, in the very last seat, sleepy.

JACK (V.O.)
He had a plan. Maybe you just didn't
see it till it hit you between the
eyes.
(pause)
But, it started to make sense... in
a Tyler sort of way. No fear. No
distractions. The ability to let
that which does not matter truly
slide.

EXT. PAPER STREET - NIGHT

Jack gets off the bus. As the bus pulls away, we see it
dropped Jack off right in front of the house.

INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

Jack enters. Tyler, dressed in FATIGUES and splattered with
PAINT, grabs BEERS from the refrigerator.

JACK
Hey.

TYLER
Hey.

Jack notices ROPE and RAPPELLING TOOLS on the table. Tyler
comes to hand Jack a bunch of beers, nod to the living room.

TYLER
Go on in. We're celebrating.

INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Jack, bewildered, enters carrying beers. Tyler does NOT
follow. BOB, RICKY and several other fight club guys sit in
front at the TV, chanting not too loudly, all also dressed
in FATIGUES and splattered with PAINT.

RICKY
You are not your job.

OTHERS TOGETHER
You are not your job.

RICKY
You are not how much money you have
in the bank.

BOB
Shhhh, wait... they're back to it...
Bob goes to turn up the TV. One guy, sixteen years old with
an angelic face, ANGEL FACE, gets up to take beer from Jack.

ANGEL FACE
(to Jack)
Great, thanks.

Angel face starts distributing beer amongst his cohorts.

BOB
Shhhhh! Watch!

Jack looks to the TV -- it shows a LIVE shot of the "PARKER
MORRIS BUILDING." The building has a GIANT, GRINNING FACE
PAINTED on it -- two BROKEN WINDOWS for EYES, with flames
pouring out... FIRETRUCKS spray water.

REPORTER (V.O.)
Police Commissioner Jacobs has just
arrived... just a second... excuse
me, Commissioner, could you tell us
what you think has happened?

COMMISSIONER JACOBS, a wrinkled official, turns to camera.

COMMISSIONER JACOBS (V.O.)
We believe this is related to the
recent acts of vandalism around the
city. It's some kind of organized
group, and we are coordinating a
rigorous investigation.

Jack turns, sees Tyler in the archway, watching him. Tyler
tips his beer to toast, pulls back, out of sight.

JACK
What did you guys do?

They all BURST INTO LAUGHTER. They look at Jack and shake
their heads. Jack doesn't get it. Suddenly, the guys'
faces turn to stone. Bob sits rigid.

BOB
The first rule of Project Mayhem
is... you do not ask questions.

Jack stares at them.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL BALLROOM - NIGHT
A luxurious BANQUET. Commissioner Jacobs guzzles champagne.
He rises and starts out of the room. Jack, in a WAITER'S
UNIFORM, looks apprehensively to OTHER WAITERS: BOB...
RICKY... ANGEL FACE -- who all give each other a look.

INT. HALLWAY

Jacobs saunters down an empty hall. He stops to check his
tie in a mirror. He pushes open the door of the MEN'S
BATHROOM -- face to face with TYLER.

INT. BATHROOM

Tyler GRABS Commissioner Jacobs, pulling him into the
bathroom. He slaps a piece of tape over Jacobs' mouth. The
OTHER "WAITERS" rush in. Jack stays back to keep the door
shut. Tyler and the others hold Jacobs, pulling down his
pants. Bob snaps a rubber band -- reaches to Jacob s crotch.

TYLER
Wrap it around the top of his hackie-
sack.

BOB
Man, his balls are ice cold.

Ricky produces a KNIFE, moves it down to Jacob's testicles.
Jacobs is bug-eyed. Jack, red-faced, keeps his distance.

TYLER
You're not going to continue your
"rigorous investigation." You will
publicly state that there is no
underground group. Or -- imagine,
the rest of your life with your
scrotum flapping empty.

JACOBS
(mouth taped)
... no... please, no...

TYLER
We'll send one to the New York Times
and one to the Los Angeles Times.
Press release style. Your nuts will
be bicoastal. Understood? The
people you're after are everyone you
depend on.
(more)

TYLER (cont)
We do your laundry, cook your food
and serve you dinner. We guard you
while you sleep. We drive your
ambulances. Do not fuck with us.

Ricky makes a dramatic cut with the knife, causing Jacobs to
JUMP -- Ricky holds up the severed RUBBER BAND.

EXT. HOTEL - LATER

Jack, Tyler and the others file quickly out the back SERVICE
ENTRANCE. Tyler gives Angel Face a hearty slap on the back.
Angel Face smiles at Tyler, nods, grinning.

Jack sees this, his eyes narrowing, stops walking.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Jack arrives at a gathering of Fight Club members, who celebrate amid news of their vandalism. Tyler enforces the rule against questions. The scene shifts to a hotel where Tyler and others confront Commissioner Jacobs, threatening him to deny their existence. The group exits through the service entrance, leaving the scene shrouded in tension and mystery.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Engaging plot development
  • Dark and suspenseful tone
Weaknesses
  • Potentially disturbing content
  • Lack of resolution for some plot threads
Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the characters' motivations and actions. It jumps from Jack getting off the bus to suddenly being in Tyler's house without a clear transition.
  • The dialogue between the characters feels forced and lacks depth. The interactions between Jack, Tyler, and the other fight club members come across as superficial and lacking in authenticity.
  • The sudden shift in tone from Jack being sleepy on the bus to a chaotic celebration in Tyler's house is jarring and doesn't flow smoothly.
  • The introduction of Project Mayhem and the first rule being mentioned feels rushed and doesn't allow for proper development of the plot.
  • The violent and threatening actions towards Commissioner Jacobs in the bathroom scene are disturbing and may be off-putting to some viewers.
Suggestions
  • Provide a smoother transition between scenes to improve the flow of the narrative.
  • Develop the dialogue to be more meaningful and reflective of the characters' personalities and motivations.
  • Consider building up the introduction of Project Mayhem and the first rule gradually to create more suspense and intrigue.
  • Tone down the violent and disturbing elements in the bathroom scene to make it more palatable for the audience.
  • Work on creating a more cohesive and engaging storyline that keeps the audience invested in the characters and their journey.



Scene 31 -  Fight Night at the Club
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. TAVERN BASEMENT - NIGHT

Fight club in full swing. Jack battles Angel Face, BEATING
the shit out of him with unprecedented viciousness.

JACK (V.O.)
I felt like putting a bullet between
the eyes of every Panda that wouldn't
screw to save its species.

The crowd shouts maniacally, save Tyler, who watches with an
inscrutable stone face.

Angel Face tries to speak, but Jack POUNDS too hard. Blood
flies. The crowd begins to grow QUIETER.

JACK (V.O.)
I wanted to open the dump valves on
oil tankers and smother all the
French beaches I'd never see.

Finally, Angel Face lies still, unconscious. Jack stops,
stares down, numb. Jack walks away -- the crowd parts to
let him pass. Jack scans faces... finds Tyler.

TYLER
Where did you go, Psycho-Boy?

JACK
I felt like destroying something
beautiful.

EXT. STREET NEAR LOU'S TAVERN - LATER

RAINING. Tyler and Jack walk through pools of streetlight.
A idling car HONKS. Tyler leads Jack toward it. A bruised-
faced VALET PARKER thrown keys to Tyler, but Jack intercepts.
VALET
There you are, Mr. Durden. Airport
parking, long term.

JACK
(motions to car)
After you, Mr. Durden...

TYLER
No... after you.

INT. STOLEN CAR

Tyler gets in the driver's seat. Jack gets into the front
passenger seat. Ricky and the mechanic are in back.

EXT. STREET

Tyler pulls the stolen car away from the curb. It has two
bumperstickers: "RECYCLE YOUR ANIMALS" and "MAKE MINE VEAL."
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Jack engages in a brutal fight, unleashing his destructive instincts. As the crowd cheers, Tyler remains indifferent. Jack seeks out Tyler, confessing his urge to destroy beauty. They depart the Fight Club together, leaving in a stolen car.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Complex characters
  • Sharp dialogue
  • High stakes
Weaknesses
  • Potential for excessive violence
  • Lack of clarity in character motivations
Critique
  • The scene depicts a brutal fight between Jack and Angel Face, with Jack displaying unprecedented viciousness. This level of violence may be excessive and could potentially alienate or disturb the audience.
  • The inner monologue provided by Jack adds depth to his character, showcasing his dark and destructive thoughts. However, it may be beneficial to balance this with moments of vulnerability or introspection to create a more well-rounded character.
  • The contrast between the crowd's maniacal cheering and Tyler's inscrutable expression creates an intriguing dynamic. This juxtaposition adds tension and mystery to the scene, enhancing the overall atmosphere.
  • The transition from the intense fight to the rainy street scene is abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the narrative. A more seamless transition would help connect the two sequences more effectively.
  • The stolen car with bumper stickers reading 'RECYCLE YOUR ANIMALS' and 'MAKE MINE VEAL' adds a darkly humorous touch to the scene, reflecting the twisted and subversive nature of the characters and their actions.
Suggestions
  • Consider toning down the level of violence in the fight scene to ensure it is impactful without being gratuitous. This can help maintain audience engagement and prevent the scene from becoming overly graphic.
  • Explore opportunities to delve deeper into Jack's character by incorporating moments of vulnerability or self-reflection amidst the brutality. This can add complexity and depth to his portrayal.
  • Enhance the transition between the fight club scene and the subsequent street scene to create a more seamless narrative flow. This can help maintain continuity and engagement for the audience.
  • Continue to utilize contrasting elements, such as the crowd's reaction versus Tyler's demeanor, to build tension and intrigue in the scene. This contrast adds layers to the characters and enhances the overall atmosphere.
  • Consider further exploring the dark humor present in the scene, such as the bumper stickers on the stolen car, to maintain a balance between the intense themes and moments of levity. This can help create a more nuanced and engaging scene.



Scene 32 -  The Confrontation
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. STOLEN CAR - MOVING - LATER

RAIN GUSHES down. Jack stews, silent. The car moves down
a HIGHWAY, intermittently illuminated by oncoming headlights.

TYLER
Something on your mind?

JACK
No.

Tyler shrugs; turns on the RADIO, ignores Jack.

JACK
Why wasn't I told about "Project
Mayhem?"

TYLER
What should I have told you?

JACK
Why wasn't I involved from the
beginning? You and I started fight
club together.

TYLER
Fight club was the beginning. Now
it's out of the basements and there's a
name for it -- Project Mayhem.
RICKY AND MECHANIC
(together)
The first rule of Project Mayhem is
you do not ask questions.

JACK
This is as much mine as yours.

TYLER
Is this a needlepoint club? Is it
about you and me?

JACK
You know what I mean.

TYLER
What do you want? A statement of
purpose... ?

JACK
Look...

TYLER
Should I E-mail you? Should I put
this on your "action item list?"

JACK
I want to know --

TYLER
What do you want to know about
Project Mayhem?

RICKY AND MECHANIC
(together)
The first rule of Project Mayhem --

JACK
(to Ricky and Mechanic)
Shut up!!
(to Tyler)
I want to know what's going on.

Tyler steers the car into the opposite lane, accelerates...
Opposing HEADLIGHTS get closer fast...

TYLER
This does not belong to us. We are
not the leaders. We are not special.

JACK
What are you doing?!
TYLER
We are the all-singing, all-dancing
crap of the world. We are all part
of the same compost heap...

JACK
Tyler...

Tyler steers back into the proper lane. The other CAR flies
past, HORN SOUNDING...

JACK
What the hell ... ?!

TYLER
You choose your level of involvement.
I won't make decisions for you.

JACK
I'm not asking you to.

TYLER
You're asking questions that don't
have answers. You know just as much
about Project Mayhem as anybody else.

JACK
I don't think that's true.

Tyler again steers into the oncoming lane, speeding up.
Through the windshield: oncoming headlights -- a TRUCK.

JACK
Tyler... what is this... !

Jack fights to turn the wheel, but Tyler uses both hands.

TYLER
What will you wish you'd done before
you died?

RICKY
Paint a self-portrait.

MECHANIC
Build a house.

TYLER
(to Jack)
And you?
JACK
I don't know! Nothing!

TYLER
If you died right now, how would you
feel about your life?

JACK
I would feel nothing about my life?
Is that what you want to hear?!

The oncoming truck HONKS and FLASHES its LIGHTS. It moves
to the other side of the road. Tyler steers there, too.

TYLER
I want to hear the truth.

JACK
Fuck my life. Fuck fight club. Fuck
you and fuck Marla. I'm sick of
this. How's that?

TYLER
Why do you think I blew up your condo?

JACK
What?

TYLER
Hitting bottom isn't a weekend
retreat! It's not a seminar! You
have to forget everything you know,
everything you think you know --
about life, about friendship, about
you and me.

Nearing impact with the oncoming truck, Tyler takes his
hands off the wheel -- Jack keeps his grip, turns the
wheel... the car swerves...

The truck ROARS past, spraying water, HORN BLASTING.

Tyler looks at Jack, his hands in the air. Jack looks at
Tyler with dead eyes.

JACK
Okay, okay... fine...

Jack takes his hands off the wheel, holds them in the air.
Tyler studies Jack face, impressed. Tyler makes no move to
take the wheel.
THROUGH THR WINDSHIELD: a STALLED CAR ahead on the side of
the road, surrounded by flares.

Jack and Tyler's eyes stay locked as the car drifts onto the
shoulder... heading for the stalled car. Their faces are
illuminated by the light of the flares. Tyler smiles.

They SMASH into the stalled car -- AIRBAGS INFLATE! The
back of their car whips around and carries it into a ass-
over-tea-kettle ROLL down a hill...

JACK (V.O.)
I'd never been in a car accident.
This must've been what all those
statistics felt like before I filed
them into my reports.

The car finally hits the bottom, lying on its roof.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In the pouring rain, Jack confronts Tyler about Project Mayhem, accusing him of keeping him in the dark. Tyler dismisses Jack's claims of involvement and challenges his commitment, leading to a tense argument. The car swerves dangerously into oncoming traffic, escalating the confrontation. Despite Tyler's reckless driving, Jack maintains his resolve, finally accepting his role in Project Mayhem. The scene culminates in a dramatic car crash.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Character development
  • Tension-building
Weaknesses
  • Potentially confusing for viewers unfamiliar with the story
Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the characters' motivations and the overall direction of the conversation between Jack and Tyler.
  • The dialogue feels disjointed and lacks a natural flow, making it difficult for the audience to fully engage with the scene.
  • The escalation of tension and conflict between Jack and Tyler feels forced and abrupt, without a clear build-up or resolution.
  • The scene relies heavily on cliched dialogue and predictable confrontations, which detracts from the originality and impact of the story.
  • The visual elements, such as the car crash and the oncoming truck, feel contrived and lack a sense of realism.
Suggestions
  • Focus on developing the characters' motivations and intentions more clearly to create a more engaging and believable interaction.
  • Work on refining the dialogue to make it more natural and reflective of the characters' personalities and emotions.
  • Consider building up the tension and conflict gradually throughout the scene to create a more impactful and satisfying resolution.
  • Avoid relying on cliches and predictable plot points, and strive to bring more originality and depth to the scene.
  • Revisit the visual elements of the scene to ensure they enhance the storytelling and contribute to the overall atmosphere and tone.



Scene 33 -  Aftermath and Uncertainty
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
EXT. OVERTURNED CAR

Tyler crawls from the passenger side. He walks around...
opens the driver's side door and drags Jack out into the
mud. Ricky and the Mechanic climb out the broken rear
window. Tyler sits beside the stunned, wounded Jack.

TYLER
We just had a near-life experience.

INT. JACK'S BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT

Jack lies in bed, traumatized, eyes empty, staring at the
ceiling. Tyler sits in a nearby chair.

TYLER
In the world I see -- you're stalking
elk through the damp canyon forests
around the ruins of Rockefeller
Center. You will wear leather
clothes that last you the rest of
your life. You will climb the wrist-
thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears
Tower. You will see tiny figures
pounding corn and laying-strips of
venison on the empty car pool lane of
the ruins of a superhighway.

Tyler stands, gives Jack's head a pat.

TYLER
(leaving)
Feel better, champ.
INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

Jack sits at the table, sips coffee. He's pale, dazed,
seems broken. He hears the faint SOUND of SAWING and
HAMMERING, unsure of where it's coming from.

Marla walks into the kitchen and goes straight to the
counter. Her back is to Jack as he looks at her. She pours
ccffee and lights a cigarette. A beat of silence, then:

MARLA
I'll be out of your way in a sec.

She seems to be as weak as Jack.

JACK
You... don't have to... leave.

MARLA
Whatever.

JACK
Really... I mean it.
(pause)
Have you been going to your groups?

MARLA
Chloe's dead.

JACK
When?

MARLA
Do you care?

JACK
I don't know.

MARLA
It was the smart move on her part.

Marla turns to face Jack, a grim expression on her face.
There's a BRUISE on her ARM. Jack gets up, moves closer.

JACK
Why are we both... caught up like
this... with... ?

JACK (V.O.)
I came so close to saying Tyler's
name, I could feel it vibrate inside
my mouth.

Marla looks a him, waiting.

JACK
I don't understand. Why does a weak
person have to go out and find a
strong person... to hang onto?

MARLA
What do you get out of it?

Faint SOUND of SAWING and HAMMERING. Jack can't quite
figure where it's coming from.

JACK
You hear that?

MARLA
Hear what?

JACK
That... sawing and hammering.

MARLA
Have we been talking too long? Must
we change the subject?

Jack turns -- through the crack of the open basement door,
Tyler's staring at Jack from the bottom of the stairs.

TYLER
(harsh whisper)
You're not talking about me, are you?

Jack reacts, turns back to Marla.

JACK
(to Marla and Tyler)
No.

MARLA
That day you came over to my place to
play doctor... what was going on
there?

TYLER
(still a whisper)
What are you talking about?

JACK
(to Marla and Tyler)
Nothing.

MARLA
Nothing? I don't think so.

TYLER
(whisper)
This conversation...

JACK
This conversation...

TYLER
... is over.

JACK
... is over.

Marla comes to touch Jack's hair. Jack closes the basement
door. Marla sees the kiss-scar on Jack's hand, grabs his
hand. Jack tries to pull it back, but Marla keeps a grip.

MARLA
What is this? Who did this?

JACK
... A person.

MARLA
Guy or girl?

JACK
Why would you ask if it's a guy or a
girl?!

MARLA
Why would you get bent if I asked?

JACK
Let go of me...
(pulls his hand free)
Leave me alone.

MARLA
You're afraid to say.

Marla backs away, closes her eyes, struggling with
frustration. She leaves out the back door, not looking back.

Jack leans against the wall. After a moment, he opens the
basement door, heads downstairs...
INT. BASEMENT STAIRCASE

Tyler walks upstairs, passing as Jack continues down...
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary After a car crash, Tyler comforts a traumatized Jack, revealing a vision of the future. Jack confronts Marla about Chloe's death, leading to a tense conversation about Tyler and their relationship. As Marla prepares to leave, Jack sees Tyler lurking in the basement, leaving him torn and uncertain.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional depth
  • Complex character dynamics
  • Cryptic and thought-provoking dialogue
Weaknesses
  • Some ambiguity in character motivations
  • Lack of clarity in certain plot points
Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the characters' motivations and emotions. Jack's trauma and inner turmoil are not fully explored or conveyed effectively.
  • The dialogue between Jack and Marla feels disjointed and lacks depth. The conversation jumps from topic to topic without a clear progression or resolution.
  • The introduction of Tyler in the basement at the end of the scene feels abrupt and disconnected from the rest of the dialogue and actions.
  • The visual cues of sawing and hammering are mentioned but not fully utilized to create tension or build atmosphere in the scene.
  • The interaction between Jack, Marla, and Tyler lacks a clear sense of conflict or resolution, leaving the audience confused about the dynamics between the characters.
Suggestions
  • Develop Jack's emotional state and trauma more explicitly to create a stronger connection with the audience.
  • Refine the dialogue between Jack and Marla to focus on a central theme or conflict that drives the conversation forward.
  • Integrate Tyler's presence in the basement more organically into the scene to maintain continuity and coherence.
  • Utilize the visual cues of sawing and hammering to build suspense and enhance the atmosphere of the scene.
  • Clarify the relationships and tensions between Jack, Marla, and Tyler to provide a more cohesive and engaging interaction.



Scene 34 -  Project Mayhem Recruitment
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. BASEMENT - CONTINUOUS

Jack looks around. TRIPLE-DECKER BUNKS clutter the
basement, as many as can fit into the space.

JACK
(calling upstairs)
Tyler... ? What's this for?

From upstairs, the SOUND of the DOORBELL.

INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Jack opens the door. Ricky stands on the porch, staring
ahead in subordinate military style. He's in black pants,
black shirt, black shoes, holds a PAPER BAG, with an army
surplus MATTRESS rolled-up at his feet.

JACK
Um... what can I do for you, Ricky?

Tyler steps up beside Jack, looks Ricky over.

TYLER
You're too young. Sorry.

JACK
Wait a minute...

Tyler comes back inside, shuts the door.

JACK
"Too young?"

TYLER
If the applicant is young, we tell
him he's too young. Old, too old.
Fat, too fat.

JACK
"Applicant?"

TYLER
If the applicant waits at the door
for three days without food, shelter
or encouragement, then he can enter
and begin training.
JACK
"Training?" Tyler...

EXT. PORCH - MOMENTS LATER

Jack comes out, walks around Ricky, hands in his pockets,
unsure. Tyler watches, nods for Jack to go ahead.

JACK
Uh, look. You're too... young to...
train here. You should probably be
on you way.

No response from Ricky, who remains at attention. Jack goes
back inside. Tyler closes the door.

EXT. PORCH - NIGHT

Ricky remains at attention. Jack bursts out with a BROOM,
knocks the brown bag out of Ricky's hand, kicks it away.

JACK
Are you deaf?! I told you to leave!
You will never get inside this house!

EXT. PORCH - MORNING

Ricky's still there. Tyler comes out, friendly.

TYLER
Look, friend, I'm sorry for the
misunderstanding. It's not the end
of the world. Just go away. You're
trespassing and I will call the
police. Nothing personal.

EXT. PORCH - NIGHT

Ricky, same spot. Jack bursts outside with the broom again.

JACK
You're never getting through this
door, you stupid little weasel! Look
at me when I talk to you... !

He WHACKS Ricky in the shoulder with the broom.

JACK
What is your major malfunction!?

INT. JACK'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
At the window, Tyler sips coffee, watches this scene on the
PORCH below.

JACK (V.O.)
Sooner or later, we all became what
Tyler wanted us to be.

EXT. PORCH - MORNING

Ricky's there. Bob is now next to him, in black, with a
paper bag in hand, mattress at his feet. Tyler steps out.
Jack stays in the doorway, locking eyes on Bob. To all the
following questions, Ricky answers "Sir!" --

TYLER
You have two black shirts? Two pair
black trousers? One pair black
boots? Two pair black socks? One
black coat? Three hundred dollars
personal burial money? Go inside.

Ricky goes in. Tyler turns to Bob.

TYLER
You're too old. Sorry. And, you're
too fat. Nice seeing you.

Bob looks genuinely hurt. He picks up his mattress and
starts away. Tyler looks at Jack and rolls his eyes. Jack
follows Bob...

JACK
Bob... Bob, wait...
(leading Bob back)
Let me explain this to you...

EXT. PORCH -- NIGHT

CRICKETS CHIRP. Bob stands at at rigid attention.

INT. 2ND FLOOR LANDING - NIGHT

Tyler and Jack stand in bathroom doorway, watching Ricky
finish SHAVING off all of his HAIR. Tyler comes to give the
top of Ricky's head a sharp SLAP.

TYLER
A monkey, ready to be shot into
space. A Space Monkey, ready to
sacrifice himself for Project Mayhem.

From here on, all those with shaved heads: "SPACE MONKEYS."
EXT. PORCH - DAY

Jack looks out the window. Bob stands motionless. There's
another "applicant," a SHORT GUY, beside Bob. Ricky comes
out the front door with the BROOM...

RICKY
(to Bob)
You're too fucking old, fatty! We
don't want your kind here!
(to short guy)
You're too short. Go away, stumpy!
Go back to the circus!

Ricky HITS them with the broom, then goes in, SLAMS THE DOOR.

JACK (V.O.)
So it went...

EXT. BACKYARD - DAY

Tyler works with a HALF DOZEN SPACE MONKEYS, preparing the
square of backyard. They pull weeds, clear rocks; working
with shovels, rakes, etc. They cart away WHEELBARROWS of
rocks and carry in SACKS of FERTILIZER.

JACK (V.O.)
Tyler built his army.

IN THE KITCHEN WINDOW, Jack watches...

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Jack keeps watching out the window, eats toast.

JACK (V.O.)
To what purpose, might one ask?
Well, one might ask, if not for the
first rule of Project Mayhem.

Jack turns to look around the kitchen. THREE SPACE MONKEYS
work -- one SCRUBBING the FLOOR, one WASHING DISHES, one
SCRUBBING the walls. Jack walks out.

JACK (V.O.)
In Tyler We Trust.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Tyler and Jack interview Ricky, a young man who wants to join Project Mayhem. After initial resistance, they accept him and begin training him and other recruits in various tasks. Tyler establishes a hierarchy within the group and refers to the accepted applicants as 'Space Monkeys'.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Intriguing concept of Project Mayhem
  • Well-developed characters
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive actions in the recruitment process
Critique
  • The scene lacks clear direction and purpose, leaving the audience confused about the significance of the interactions between Jack, Tyler, and the 'applicants.'
  • The dialogue feels forced and unnatural, especially in the interactions between Jack and Ricky, as well as the exchanges between Tyler and the 'applicants.'
  • The character motivations are unclear, particularly in Jack's sudden outbursts of aggression towards Ricky and the other 'applicants.'
  • The transition between different locations and characters is abrupt and disjointed, making it difficult for the audience to follow the progression of the scene.
  • The visual elements, such as the actions of the 'applicants' and the tasks they are assigned, lack depth and fail to engage the audience effectively.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the purpose of the 'applicants' and their interactions with Jack and Tyler to provide a clearer narrative direction.
  • Revise the dialogue to make it more authentic and reflective of the characters' personalities and motivations.
  • Develop the character motivations further to create more depth and complexity in their interactions.
  • Smooth out the transitions between different locations and characters to improve the flow of the scene.
  • Enhance the visual elements by adding more detail and significance to the actions of the 'applicants' and the tasks they are assigned.



Scene 35 -  Chaos and Discovery in Tyler's House
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. JACK'S ROOM - DAY

Jack opens his eyes, awakening to sunlight thru the window.
JACK (V.O.)
And, then...

INT. UPSTAIRS LANDING - DAY

Jack slowly pushes open the door to Tyler's room...

JACK
Tyler...

The room is empty. Jack stares.

JACK (V.O.)
He was gone.

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Jack comes downstairs... finds DOZENS of SPACE MONKEYS.

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

Jack enters. Space Monkeys render fat and make soap. They
pinch HERBS, adding them to the mix. They add VODKA. Off
to the side, a couple Monkeys stir a vat of RICE. On the
wall is a big bulletin board with HUNDREDS of DRIVER's
LICENSES; a sign above it: "HUMAN SACRIFICES."

FRECKLED SPACE MONKEY
"You are not a beautiful and unique
snowflake. You are the same decaying
organic matter as everything else.
We are all part of the same compost
heap."

JACK (V.O.)
Planet Tyler.

Jack dips a spoon into the rice, chomps on it irritatingly.

FRECKLED SPACE MONKEY
"We are the all-singing, all-dancing
crap of the world."

Jack picks up a BOTTLE of VODKA.

JACK (V.O.)
I had to hug the walls, trapped
inside this clockwork of Space
Monkeys, cooking and working and
sleeping in teams.

INT. READING ROOM - NIGHT
Jack enters, vodka in hand. TEN SPACE MONKEYS here, reading.

JACK (V.O.)
The house became a living thing, wet
inside from so many people sweating
and breathing. So many people
moving, the house moved.

Jack walks out.

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Jack enters. Angel Face reads a book, marks on a chart.
Space Monkeys shuffle PAPERS and NEWS CLIPPINGS. Walls are
lined with FILES, each labeled with a STREET ADDRESS, under
SIGNS: "Mischief," "Disinformation," "Arson."

Jack's eye lingers on "Arson." He starts flipping through
a file. Angel Face comes to take the file from him.

ANGEL FACE
That wouldn't interest you.

JACK
Where's Tyler?

ANGEL FACE
The first rule of Project --

JACK
Right, right.

As Angel Face replaces the file, Jack notices -- a LYE-
BURNED KISS-SCAR on the back of Angel Face's hand.

EXT. BACK YARD - NIGHT

Jack takes a swig of vodka, smokes. In the BACKGROUND, a
Space Monkey WHACKS an APPLICANT with a BROOM. It's a
ritual; no words. Other Space Monkeys tend the garden.

JACK (V.O.)
I'm all alone. I Am Jack's Broken
Heart.

Jack drops his cigarette in the gravel, steps on it. A
Space Monkey immediately comes to clean it up.

JACK
Get away from me!
MARLA'S VOICE (O.S.)
Who are all these people?

Jack turns, sees Marla with an overnight bag.

JACK
The Paper Street Soap Company.

MARLA
Can I come in?

JACK
He's not here.

MARLA
What?

JACK
He's not here! Tyler's not here
anymore! He's gone away!

Marla stares at Jack, miserable. A tear runs down her
cheek. She turns and walks away. Jack watches her go.
There's a LOUD COMMOTION from the house, VOICES SHOUTING.
Jack heads to the back door...

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Jack enters. Ricky crawls, bleeding from a gunshot wound to
the LEG. Space Monkeys begin a rudimentary job of treating
the wound. Other Space Monkeys carry in a DEAD BODY in
BLACK CLOTHES and SKI MASK, putting it on the table.

JACK
What's going on?

Space Monkeys stare at the body. The Mechanic, sweating,
gets to his knees and pulls the ski mask off the corpse --
it's BOB, with a gunshot wound to the HEAD.

JACK
Bob... oh, Christ...

Jack pushes past a Space Monkey, stares down, stricken...

JACK
What... what happened... ?

MECHANIC
(out of breath)
We were on assignment...
EXT. SCULPTURE PARK - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

A SCULPTURE adorned with a giant GLOBE on top.

MECHANIC (V.O.)
We were supposed to kill two birds
with one stone:

A SERIES of EXPLOSIONS blasts the GLOBE free. It ROLLS...

MECHANIC (V.O.)
A piece of corporate art...

The GLOBE ROLLS downhill, to the street -- rolling over one
parked LUXURY CAR after another, crunching car roofs and
causing windows to explode...

MECHANIC (V.O.)
... and trash a trendy coffee bar.

Then, the GLOBE arrives at the lobby of a HOTEL...
BROADSIDES a limo, RICOCHETS... ROLLS directly into the
front of a closed ARROSTO coffee bar, SMASHING windows...
DECIMATING coffee push-pats...

EXT. PARK - AERIAL VIEW - (FLASHBACK CONTINUOUS)

Bob, the Mechanic and Ricky FLEE, LAUGHING at their
handiwork. They split up, running O.S.

MECHANIC (V.O.)
We had it all worked out, man. It
went smooth... until...

HARSH VOICE
Police! Freeze!

O.S. SOUNDS of GUNSHOTS and FLASHES of MUZZLE FIRE.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Jack awakens to find Tyler's room empty and his house overrun by Space Monkeys. They engage in bizarre rituals and create soap from human fat. Jack uncovers a dark secret and witnesses the aftermath of a murder, leaving him alone and unsettled.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Emotional depth
  • Mystery and suspense
Weaknesses
  • Potentially disturbing content
  • Complexity of plot
Critique
  • The scene opens with Jack waking up to sunlight, which sets a peaceful tone that contrasts with the chaotic events that follow.
  • The introduction of Space Monkeys and their activities in the house is intriguing but lacks clear context or explanation for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Jack and Angel Face about Project Mayhem feels rushed and lacks depth, missing an opportunity to delve into the organization's inner workings.
  • The sudden appearance of Marla adds a layer of tension and emotion to the scene, but her interaction with Jack feels abrupt and could benefit from more development.
  • The revelation of Bob's death and the flashback to the destructive mission provide a dramatic shift in tone and storyline, but the transition feels disjointed and could be smoother.
  • The flashback sequence is visually engaging but may be confusing for the audience without clearer connections to the present events.
  • The scene ends on a cliffhanger with the police confrontation, leaving the audience with a sense of suspense and anticipation for the next development.
Suggestions
  • Provide more context and explanation for the introduction of Space Monkeys and their activities to help the audience understand their significance.
  • Develop the dialogue between Jack and Angel Face to explore the dynamics of Project Mayhem and add depth to their interaction.
  • Expand on Marla's entrance and interaction with Jack to enhance the emotional impact and further develop their relationship.
  • Improve the transition between the present events and the flashback sequence to create a more seamless narrative flow.
  • Clarify the connections between the flashback mission and the current storyline to ensure the audience can follow the plot developments effectively.



Scene 36 -  Aftermath and Departure
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT - (RESUMING)

The Mechanic looks up from Bob's corpse.

MECHANIC
They shot Bob... they shot him in the
head. Those fuckers...

Jack walks away from Bob's corpse, distraught, holds his
head, turns to look back, his eyes filling with tears.

ANOTHER SPACE MONKEY
We gotta do something.
RICKY
We got to get rid of the evidence.
We have to get rid of this body.

ANGEL FACE
Bury him...

Jack looks around in disbelief.

JACK
What... ?

ANGEL FACE
The garden. Take him there. Move,
people. Let's do this!

Several Space Monkeys gather around Bob's body.

JACK
No... !

Space Monkeys stop. Jack gets between them and Bob, SHOVES
a few Space Monkeys back...

JACK
Get your hands off him! Get off...!
What the hell do you think you're
doing... ? Evidence?! This is a
man... ! You killed him!

ANGEL FACE
He was killed in action.

JACK
No! Look at you! You're... you're
running around in ski masks,
exploding things...

ANGEL FACE
He was killed serving Project Mayhem.

RICKY
It's what he would have wanted, sir.

JACK
What he wanted? Look... look at him.
Look at him! What does he want?
(wipes tears,
points at Bob)
This is a person. This is not a cog
in your machine...
RICKY
But, this is Project Mayhem.

JACK
No, no. This is a man -- this man
has a name...

RICKY
But, in Project Mayhem, we have no
names.

JACK
No! Wrong! This man's name is
Robert Paulson.

RICKY
Robert Paulson?

JACK
Robert Paulson is dead. He's dead,
because of you...

MECHANIC
I understand.

Everyone just stares at Jack.

MECHANIC
In death, a member of Project Mayhem
has a name.

JACK
No -- !

MECHANIC
His name is Robert Paulson.

RICKY
His name is Robert Paulson!

JACK
No!

ALL SPACE MONKEYS
His name is Robert Paulson!

JACK
Stop that -- !

ALL SPACE MONKEYS
(louder)
His name is Robert Paulson! His name
is Robert Paulson...

Jack backs away, surrounded, PUSHES his way out of the room.

INT. TYLER'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Jack barges in, goes to the desk, rifling through drawers.
He finds FLIGHT COUPONS, used and unused. The used coupons.
have the flight information, including the destination
cities. The PHONE RINGS. Jack answers it...

JACK
Tyler?

DETECTIVE STERN'S VOICE
(from phone)
This is Detective Stern of the arson
unit. I'd like to see you in my
office tomorrow morning...

Jack, in a panic, HANGS UP.

INSERT - AN AIRPLANE TAKES OFF...

INT. PLANE CABIN - DAY

Jack sits stiffly in a seat.

JACK (V.O.)
I went to the cities on Tyler's used
tickets stubs.

INSERT - A SIGN: "LA GUARDIA INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT"

EXT. AIRPORT - NIGHT

Jack hurries from the terminal, runs to a TAXI ...

JACK (V.O.)
In every city, I branched out from
the airport to downtown, bar-
hopping...

INT. TAXI - IN MOTION, MID-CITY - NIGHT

Jack's looks out the window, intently watching buildings.

JACK (V.0.)
I didn't know how or why, but I could
look at fifty different bars, and
somehow I just knew...
JACK
(to driver, points)
Here. Let me out, right here...
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary In the aftermath of Bob's death, the Mechanic and Space Monkeys plan to dispose of his body, but Jack objects, valuing him as an individual named Robert Paulson. Despite resistance, Jack leaves the room and discovers Tyler's used flight coupons. He receives a call from Detective Stern, panics, and departs on a plane to follow Tyler's trail.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Intense conflict
  • Revelatory moments
Weaknesses
  • Potential for confusion with the multiple characters and their motivations
Critique
  • The scene is emotionally charged and intense, with a strong conflict between Jack and the Space Monkeys over the handling of Bob's body.
  • The dialogue is impactful and reveals the internal struggle Jack is facing, as well as the blind obedience of the Space Monkeys to Project Mayhem.
  • There is a clear theme of dehumanization and loss of individual identity within Project Mayhem, as seen through the Space Monkeys' lack of concern for Bob as a person.
  • The visual elements, such as Jack's tears and the tense atmosphere in the kitchen, effectively convey the emotional turmoil of the scene.
  • The escalation of the conflict and Jack's realization about the consequences of Project Mayhem's actions add depth to the narrative and character development.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal monologue for Jack to further explore his conflicting emotions and moral dilemma.
  • Provide more context or backstory on Bob to enhance the impact of his death and Jack's reaction.
  • Explore the dynamics between Jack and the Space Monkeys in more detail to highlight the themes of blind obedience and dehumanization.
  • Consider incorporating symbolic elements or motifs to reinforce the themes of identity and loss within Project Mayhem.
  • Focus on the aftermath of Bob's death and how it affects Jack's relationship with Tyler and the Space Monkeys in subsequent scenes.



Scene 37 -  The Search for Tyler Durden
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. BAR - NIGHT

Jack enters. He sees several MALE PATRONS with FIGHT
BRUISES. Jack moves to the bar. The BARTENDER has a broken
arm and swollen face.

JACK
I'm looking for Tyler Durden.

BARTENDER
Never heard of him.

JACK
This is an emergency. It's important
I find him.

BARTENDER
I wish I could help you... sir.

The bartender WINKS at Jack.

INSERT - AERIAL VIEW - ATLANTA SKYLINE - NIGHT

JACK (V.O.)
Every city I went to...

INSERT - AERIAL VIEW - CHICAGO SKYLINE - DAY

JACK (V.0.)
...as soon as I set foot off the
plane...

INSERT - AERIAL VIEW - DALLAS SKYLINE - NIGHT

JACK (V.).)
...I knew fight club was close.

INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - NIGHT

Jack RUNS through the airport, lugging his suitcase.

JACK (V.O.)
Tyler was setting up franchises, all
over the country.

INT. DRY CLEANERS - DAY
The PROPRIETOR, his head bandaged, is confronted by Jack.

JACK
I need to know where Tyler is. Can't
you help me?

BANDAGED PROPRIETOR
Sir, you're disturbing the other
patrons with your laudish behavior.

JACK
(pointing)
There's no one else here.

BANDAGED PROPRIETOR
I'm sorry, I haven't the faintest
idea what you're talking about.

JACK
Look at my face. I'm a member. I
just need to know if you've seen
Tyler Durden.

BANDAGED PROPRIETOR
I'm not disclosed to bespeak any such
information to you, nor would I, even
if I had said information you want,
at this juncture be able.

Jack looks around, incredibly frustrated.

JACK
You are a moron.

BANDAGED PROPRIETOR
I'm afraid I have to insist you leave.

Jack gives up, shoves his way out the door.

INT. CITY BUS - DAY

Jack sits on the bus, looking out the window. The bus stops.

JACK (V.O.)
Under and behind and inside
everything I took for granted,
something horrible had been growing.

OUT THE WINDOW, a CONSTRUCTION WORKER with a BROKEN NOSE
works a jackhammer. He stops, wipes his brow.

INT. SPORTS BAR - DAY
TVs show football. Jack is seated with TWO BRUISED PATRONS.

BRUISED PATRON #1
No one's ever seen him. No one knows
what he looks like.

BRUISED PATRON #2
He has facial reconstructive surgery
every three years.

JACK
That's the stupidest thing I've ever
heard.

BRUISED PATRON #1
Is it true about fight club in Miami?

BRUISED PATRON 12
Is Mr. Durden building an army?

JACK (V.O.)
Am I asleep... ?

INT. AIRPLANE - NIGHT

Jack sits awake. Everyone around him is asleep.

JACK (V.O.)
Have I slept? I'm not sure if Tyler
is my bad dream or if I'm Tyler's.

EXT. MID-TOWN STREETS - DAY

Jack steps off the sidewalk, hailing a TAXI...

EXT. CITY ALLEY - DAY

The alleyway's deserted. Jack heaft to rusty CELLAR DOORS.
He opens the doors, looks around, heads down stairs...

JACK (V.O.)
I was living in a state of perpetual
deja vu.

INT. DANK BASEMENT - CONTINUOUS

Jack enters this dark basement, walks ahead in the dim
light. The place is damp and empty. Jack stops, looks down.

JACK (V.O.)
Everywhere I went, I felt I had
already been there.

At his feet -- DRIED BLOOD on the concrete floor.

INSERT - AERIAL VIEW - PHOENIX SKYLINE - DAY
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Jack is searching for Tyler Durden, but no one seems to know where he is. He confronts several people, but gets no information. He feels like he is living in a state of perpetual déjà vu. He finally enters a dank basement and sees dried blood on the concrete floor.
Strengths
  • Building tension and mystery
  • Exploring internal conflict
  • Setting up compelling storyline
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue could be more impactful
  • Character development could be further enhanced
Critique
  • The scene lacks a clear sense of urgency and tension considering Jack's desperate search for Tyler Durden.
  • The dialogue between Jack and the bartender feels a bit forced and lacks depth, making the interaction less engaging.
  • The transitions between different cities and locations through aerial views could be more seamlessly integrated into the narrative.
  • The interactions with the dry cleaner proprietor and the bruised patrons at the sports bar feel repetitive and don't add much to the scene.
  • The internal monologue from Jack could be more impactful and reflective of his inner turmoil and confusion.
Suggestions
  • Add more suspense and urgency to Jack's search for Tyler by increasing the stakes and the sense of danger.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Jack and the bartender to make it more engaging and revealing of Jack's desperation.
  • Find a more creative and seamless way to transition between different locations without relying solely on aerial views.
  • Consider streamlining the interactions with the dry cleaner proprietor and the bruised patrons to focus more on Jack's internal conflict.
  • Revise the internal monologue to better reflect Jack's emotional state and the growing tension in the scene.



Scene 38 -  Tyler in the Shadows
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 7
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. ANOTHER BAR - DAY

Jack walks in. The place is empty. He walks to a KITCHEN
DOOR, opens it and peers in at... a GROUP of KITCHEN WORKERS
solemnly stand in a circle, chanting...

KITCHEN WORKERS
His name is Robert Paulson. His name
is Robert Paulson...

MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
(from behind Jack)
Welcome back, sir.

Jack whirls, startled -- facing the wounded BARTENDER, who
wears a NECK BRACE, his nose a smashed eggplant.

WOUNDED BARTENDER
How have you been?

JACK
... You know me?

WOUNDED BARTENDER
Is this a test, sir?

JACK
Yes... it's a test.

WOUNDED BARTENDER
You were in here last Thursday night.

JACK
What?

WOUNDED BARTENDER
You were standing right where you are
now, asking how good our security is.
It's tight as a drum.

JACK
Who do you think I am?

WOUNDED BARTENDER
Is this part of the test?
Jack nods slowly. The Bartender holds up his hand, shows
the KISS SCAR on the back of his hand...

WOUNDED BARTENDER
You're the one who did this to me.
You're Mr. Durden, sir. Tyler Durden.

JACK (V.O.)
Please return your seatbacks to their
full upright and locked position.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Jack bursts inside, out of breath, runs to grab the phone,
punches a number, doesn't bother to turn on the lamp.

INTERCUT WITH...
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Jack's confusion deepens as he steps into the empty bar, only to encounter chanting kitchen workers and the accusation of the injured bartender who mistakes him for Tyler Durden. Jack's denial falls on deaf ears, leaving him shaken and bewildered. As he retreats to his hotel room, Jack's mysterious phone call adds an enigmatic layer, hinting at an unknown threat lurking in the shadows.
Strengths
  • Tension-building
  • Mystery
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Potential confusion for the audience
Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the transition from the kitchen workers chanting to the wounded bartender addressing Jack as Tyler Durden. The sudden shift in focus may confuse the audience.
  • The dialogue between Jack and the wounded bartender feels somewhat forced and unnatural, especially with the bartender immediately recognizing Jack as Tyler Durden without much context or explanation.
  • The revelation of the kiss scar on the bartender's hand as the identifier for Tyler Durden feels contrived and lacks a deeper connection or explanation.
  • The scene could benefit from more visual cues or actions to enhance the tension and mystery surrounding Jack's identity and the bartender's recognition of him.
  • The transition to Jack bursting into his hotel room and making a phone call feels abrupt and could be smoother to maintain the flow of the narrative.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more context or hints leading up to the bartender's recognition of Jack as Tyler Durden to make the revelation more believable and engaging.
  • Work on the dialogue between Jack and the wounded bartender to make it more organic and reflective of their interaction and history.
  • Explore alternative ways to reveal Jack's identity as Tyler Durden, perhaps through subtle clues or actions that build suspense and intrigue.
  • Enhance the visual elements in the scene to create a more immersive and atmospheric setting that complements the dialogue and character interactions.
  • Smooth out the transition between the bar scene and Jack entering his hotel room to maintain a cohesive narrative flow and keep the audience engaged.



Scene 39 -  Unveiling the Shared Body
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. MARLA'S ROOM - SAME

Marla answers.

MARLA
Yeah?

JACK
Marla, it's me. Have we... have we
ever had sex?

MARLA
What kind of stupid question is
that?!

JACK
Because the answer's "yes" or because
the answer's "no?"

MARLA
Is this a trick?

JACK
Will you just answer me, for
Christsake?!

MARLA
You mean, you want to know if I think
we were just having sex or making
love?

JACK
We did make love?
MARLA
Is that what you're calling it?

JACK
Answer the question!

MARLA
You fuck me, then snub me. You love
me, you hate me. You show me your
sensitive side, then you turn into a
total asshole! Is that a pretty
accurate description of our
relationship, Tyler?

JACK (V.O.)
We've just lost cabin pressure.

JACK
What did you say... ?

MARLA
What is wrong with you?

JACK
Say my name.

MARLA
What... ?

JACK
Say my name! What's my name!?

MARLA
Tyler Durden! Tyler Durden, you
fucking freak. What's going on? I'm
coming over there...

JACK
Marla, no, wait...

As Marla HANGS UP. Jack stares at the receiver, dazed...

TYLER'S VOICE
We've got six fight clubs in Chicago
now...

Jack spins, dropping the phone -- TYLER sits beside him.

TYLER
Four in Milwaukee.

JACK
What's this all about, Tyler?

TYLER
And, we're definitely filling a void
in the rural South.

JACK
Why do people think I'm you?

TYLER
You broke your promise. You talked
to her about me.

JACK
Why do people think I'm Tyler Durden?

TYLER
Why did you do that?

JACK
Answer me, Tyler.

TYLER
Why do people think anything?

JACK
I don't know! Tell me!

Tyler shakes his head in disgust, extremely irritated.

TYLER
People think that you're me, because
you and I happen to share the same
body.

JACK
What... ?

TYLER
Is this really news to you?

JACK
What are you talking about... ?

TYLER
Sometimes I control it, and you
imagine yourself watching me...

FLASHBACK - HALLWAY - NIGHT

Commissioner Jacobs checks his tie in a mirror, goes to open
the door of the MEN'S BATHROOM -- face to face with JACK.
FLASHBACK - LOU'S BAR BASEMENT - NIGHT

JACK stands surrounded by eager fight club MEMBERS, under
the bare bulb, talking and behaving like Tyler...

JACK
The first rule of fight club is --
you don't talk about fight club.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - RESUMING

TYLER
And, sometimes you control it...

FLASHBACK - EXT. PAPER STREET HOUSE - DAY

Jack stands in the yard, VODKA in hand, yells at Marla.

JACK
He's not here! Tyler's not here
anymore! He's gone away!

INT. HOTEL ROOM - RESUMING

TYLER
You can see me and hear me, but no
one else can...

FLASHBACK - CURBSIDE - NIGHT

JACK sits alone on the curb, watching the nearby freeway.
He talks to someone beside him, but nobody's there.

JACK
Anyone?
(thinks)
My boss, probably.
(pause)
Who would you fight?

Jack listens, looks at the empty space beside him.

JACK
Oh, yeah.
(nodding)
I didn't really know my Dad...

INT. HOTEL ROOM - RESUMING

TYLER
But, when you fall asleep, I do
things without you...

FLASHBACK - TYLER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

JACK is on top of Marla, sweating, making violent love...
Genres: ["Drama","Psychological Thriller"]

Summary This scene, marked by tension and confrontation, revolves around Jack's inquiry about his relationship with Marla. As they argue, Tyler makes his presence known, revealing that he and Jack inhabit the same body and alternately control it. The scene ends with Tyler's startling revelation, leaving Jack's true identity and the nature of his relationship with Marla shrouded in mystery.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Exploration of identity
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Potential confusion for the audience due to the complex narrative
Critique
  • The dialogue between Jack and Marla is intense and filled with emotional turmoil, which adds depth to their relationship. However, the scene could benefit from more clarity in terms of the characters' motivations and feelings.
  • The revelation that Jack and Tyler share the same body is a major plot twist, but it could be executed in a more impactful and coherent manner. The transition between the flashbacks and present-day scenes is somewhat abrupt and may confuse the audience.
  • The use of flashbacks to illustrate the concept of Jack and Tyler sharing the same body is effective in creating a sense of disorientation and mystery. However, the scene could be enhanced by providing more context and background information to help the audience understand the significance of this revelation.
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or climax, leaving the audience with more questions than answers. It would be beneficial to provide a more definitive conclusion or cliffhanger to keep the audience engaged and eager to see what happens next.
  • The visual and auditory cues used to convey the presence of Tyler in Jack's mind are intriguing and add an element of suspense to the scene. However, the execution of these cues could be further developed to create a more immersive and engaging viewing experience.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal monologue or narration from Jack to provide insight into his thoughts and emotions during the conversation with Marla.
  • Provide additional context or foreshadowing to hint at the revelation that Jack and Tyler share the same body, building up to the plot twist in a more gradual and impactful way.
  • Enhance the transitions between the flashbacks and present-day scenes to create a smoother flow of storytelling and prevent confusion for the audience.
  • Introduce a clearer resolution or cliffhanger at the end of the scene to create a sense of anticipation and intrigue for the next part of the story.
  • Further develop the visual and auditory cues that signal Tyler's presence in Jack's mind to create a more immersive and atmospheric setting for the scene.



Scene 40 -  Jack Uncovers Tyler's Deception
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. HOTEL ROOM - RESUMING

TYLER
I go places without you. Get things
done...

FLASHBACK - BUILDING - NIGHT

The Parker Morris Building.

JACK, Bob, Ricky, Angel Face and another GUY rappel down the
side, SPRAYING PAINT. JACK is "TYLER" in demeanor,
mannerisms, speech...

JACK
(shouting)
You are not your job. You are not
how much money you have in the bank.

TWO WINDOWS SHATTER OUTWARD -- TWO MEN look out and yell:

BRUISED MAN #1
I am not my job!

BRUISED MAN #2
I am not how much money I have in the
bank!

INT. HOTEL ROOM - RESUMING

Jack's having trouble catching his breath. Tyler stands.

TYLER
There! Happy? I asked for one thing
from you... one simple promise. Now
look what you've done!

JACK
This isn't possible...

TYLER
We're going to have to do something
about Marla...

JACK
What... what are you saying?
TYLER
It's okay. We okay... a little
codependent, sure, but...

Jack shakes his head in disbelief, in denial...

JACK
No! This isn't true. We... we were
around other people, together, both
of us...

TYLER
You never talked to me in front of
anyone else.

JACK
Wrong, wrong -- what about the car
crash... the two guys in the backseat?

TYLER
What about them? They're lunatics.

JACK
You took me to the house.

TYLER
The house is rented in your name.

JACK
You have jobs.

TYLER
Night jobs -- while you were sleeping.

JACK
What about Marla?

TYLER
What about Marla?

JACK
She's... you... you're fucking her.

TYLER
Um, well... technically, no.

Jack stands, trying to absorb, feeling ill, trying to find
words, then -- he suddenly FAINTS to the floor, OUT COLD.

JACK (V.O.)
It's called a "changeover." The
movie goes on, and nobody in the
audience has any idea.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - PRE-DAWN

Jack's eyes snap open. He sits up, alone. He remembers the
previous night... looks at himself in the mirror... looks at
the clock -- 4:35am.

INT. HALLWAY

The room door SLAMS OPEN as Jack bursts out of the room,
carrying his suitcase, SPRINTING for the STAIRWELL...

INT. STAIRWELL

Jack races down, three steps at a time, dragging his
suitcase - BOOM, BOOM, BOOM - behind him...

INT. LOBBY

Jack hurries to the front door, his suitcase half-broken
open, passing the front desk. A DESK CLERK calls after him.

DESK CLERK
Sir... sir? Are you checking out?

JACK
Yes.

The clerk follows the length of the counter, waves a PAPER.

DESK CLERK
Please initial this list of phone
calls.

JACK
Bill me!

Jack goes out the door, freezes. He rushes back in, going
to the desk -- snatches the bill, studies it: many NUMBERS.

JACK
Wait...when were these made?

DESK CLERK
It says right there, sir... between
two and three-thirty this morning.

Jack looks at the clerk, at the bill, at the clerk.

JACK
I need a copy of this.

INT. AIRPLANE CABIN - IN FLIGHT - DAY

Jack stares out the window, his face set hard.

JACK (V.O.)
Had I been going to bed earlier every
night? Have I been sleeping later?
Has Tyler been in charge longer and
longer?

EXT. PAPER STREET - DAY

A TAXI halts. Jack leaps out, points to the GRUNGY CABBIE.

JACK
Wait here.

INT. PAPER ST. HOUSE, LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

Jack walks in to find the place EMPTY and DESERTED. He
continues on into the KITCHEN, gawks at BATHTUBS and
CANISTERS holding vast amounts of liquid. There are HOSES,
GAS MASKS, BEAKERS, TEST TUBES and PUMPS.

He picks up a BOTTLE labeled "NITRIC ACID."
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Jack confronts Tyler in a hotel room, leading to shocking revelations about their relationship and past actions. Jack faints from the truth and later finds evidence of Tyler's hidden phone calls. He discovers a setup for making explosives at Tyler's house, leaving him in panic and uncertainty.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Revealing character dynamics
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Complexity may be overwhelming for some viewers
Critique
  • The scene is intense and filled with revelations that challenge the audience's understanding of the characters and their relationships.
  • There is a lot of information being revealed in a short amount of time, which can be overwhelming for the audience.
  • The dialogue between Jack and Tyler is crucial in conveying the complex dynamics between them, but it could be more nuanced and emotionally charged.
  • The scene transitions quickly from one revelation to another, leaving little room for the audience to process and absorb the information.
  • The fainting of Jack feels a bit abrupt and could be better executed to enhance the impact of the shocking truths being revealed.
Suggestions
  • Consider pacing the revelations in the scene to allow the audience to fully grasp the magnitude of each revelation before moving on to the next.
  • Work on the emotional depth of the dialogue between Jack and Tyler to convey the complexity of their relationship and the impact of the revelations.
  • Add moments of reflection or reaction from Jack to the shocking truths being revealed to enhance the emotional impact on the audience.
  • Explore different ways to reveal the information gradually to build tension and suspense throughout the scene.
  • Consider revising the fainting moment of Jack to make it more impactful and believable in the context of the intense revelations.



Scene 41 -  A Cryptic Encounter and a Desperate Plea
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
INT. TYLER'S ROOM

Jack sits by the PHONE, pulls out the HOTEL BILL, runs his
finger up and down the list of PHONE NUMBERS...

JACK (V.O.)
Deja vu, all over again...

Jack finger stops on a NUMBER. He dials, phone to his ear.

VOICE
(from phone)
Eighteen-eighty-eight.

Jack sees a file on the wall: "1888 CENTURY PARK EAST."

JACK
Who is this?

VOICE
Maintenance.

JACK
Listen, something is going to happen,
something terrible...

VOICE
Very good, Sir.

JACK
Excuse me?

VOICE
Don't worry about us, sir. We're
solid.

JACK
Now wait, there's been a mix-up.
Everything's changed...

VOICE
You told me you'd say that.

JACK
Abort the plan.

VOICE
You told me you'd say that, too.

JACK
Did I tell you I'd call you a fascist
dickhead?!

VOICE
Well, sir, you said you might.

Jack HANGS UP, desperately dials the next number on the bill.

DIFFERENT VOICE
(front phone)
Twenty-one-sixty. Maintenance.

Jack sees a file: "2160 PICO BOULEVARD." He throws the
phone, pocketing the bill. He grabs up all the FILES.

EXT. MARLA'S HOTEL - SUNSET

Jack's TAXI halts. Marla walks out of the lobby doors, sees
Jack getting out of the cab, laden with files...

JACK
Marla!

Marla makes a sharp turn, walking away. Jack follows,
hugging the files to his chest, catching up.
JACK
Marla...

MARLA
Your whacked-out, bald freaks hit me
with a fucking broom. I thought they
were going to break my arm.

JACK
I'm sorry, I...

MARLA
The were burning their fingertips
with lye. The stink was unbelievable.

JACK
Marla... I need to talk to you. It's
going to take a tremendous act of
faith on your part for you to hear me
out.

MARLA
Here comes an avalanche of bullshit.

Marla heads into a DINER. Jack follows...

JACK
-- A little more faith than that.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Jack reviews hotel bills and phone numbers, makes cryptic calls to "Maintenance" eliciting strange responses. Marla exits a hotel where she encounters bald figures. Jack follows her with files, explaining but being dismissed as untrustworthy and delusional. Their unresolved conflict leads them into a diner.
Strengths
  • Tension-filled dialogue
  • Revealing character interactions
  • Emotional depth
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic
Critique
  • The scene starts with a sense of mystery and urgency as Jack reviews a hotel bill and makes phone calls to Maintenance, creating a tense atmosphere.
  • The dialogue between Jack and the voice on the phone is intriguing and adds to the suspense of the scene.
  • There is a good use of visual cues such as the files and phone numbers to convey Jack's sense of urgency and confusion.
  • The interaction between Jack and Marla outside the hotel adds an element of conflict and tension, setting up for further developments.
  • The scene effectively conveys Jack's desperation and the escalating sense of danger as he tries to warn about a terrible event.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal conflict or emotional turmoil for Jack to deepen the impact of the scene.
  • Explore the relationship between Jack and Maintenance further to enhance the mystery and tension.
  • Provide more context or hints about the 'plan' and the potential consequences to increase the stakes for Jack.
  • Consider adding subtle foreshadowing or hints about the upcoming events to build anticipation and suspense.
  • Ensure a smooth transition between the phone call with Maintenance and the interaction with Marla to maintain the flow of the scene.



Scene 42 -  Warning Unheeded
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 7
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 9
INT. DINER - MOMENTS LATER

Marla sits in a BOOTH. Jack sits across from her.

MARLA
I don't want to hear anything you've
got to say.

JACK
Give me a minute, Marla, alright...
just sixty seconds.

MARLA
Sixty seconds, then I'm out of here.

JACK
Absolutely, you have every right. I
need you to do me a favor.

MARLA
I've done you enough favors.

A WAITER with a BLACK EYE appears at the table.
WAITER
Sir! Anything you order is free of
charge, sir.

MARLA
Why is it free of charge?

JACK
Because... I'm Tyler Durden.

MARLA
Then, I'll have the clam chowder...
fried chicken and a baked potato with
everything and a chocolate chiffon
pie.

Jack look to the pass-through WINDOW into the kitchen where
THREE COOKS look out with STITCHES in their faces.

JACK
Clean food, please.

WAITER
In that case, sir, may I advise
against the lady eating the clam
chowder?

JACK
Thanks, no clam chowder. That's it.

The waiter snaps to attention and leaves.

MARLA
You got about thirty seconds.

JACK
(takes a deep breath)
I know that I've been... unwell. I
know it's been like there's two sides
to me.

MARLA
Two sides? You're Dr. Jeckle and Mr.
Jackass.

JACK
I deserve that. Anyway, I've... I've
only just realized

MARLA
What?
JACK
I mean, the depth and breadth of our
relationship has only recently been
illuminated for me. I know this...
I know us hasn't been such a great
thing for you...

MARLA
Whatever.
(to waiter)
I'll take my food to go...

Marla's getting up to go, but Jack rises, fed up, takes her
by the arm, putting her back in her seat.

JACK
Sit down! Sit down and give me my
last fifteen seconds without opening
your mouth!

Marla crosses her arms. Jack collects himself.

JACK
I'm trying to tell you -- and this is
where you have to trust me -- but, I
think your life might be in real
danger.

MARLA
What?

JACK
You have to get out of here. Leave
as soon as possible. Go to any rural
town, away from any major city...

MARLA
You are an insane person.

JACK
Marla...

MARLA
No, no, shut up! I've had enough.
I tried, Tyler... I have tried...

Marla's getting upset, tears coming to her eyes.

MARLA
There's a part of you I really like,
but I can't do this anymore. I just
can't. This is killing me...

JACK
I'm sorry, but I...

MARLA
What?! You're sorry? I don't
believe that for a minute.

Marla gets up. Jack grabs for her, but she's gone, heading
for the door. Jack gathers his files, runs to follow...
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary A tense conversation unfolds between Marla and Jack in a diner. Jack attempts to warn Marla about potential danger, but an upset Marla decides to leave despite his pleas.
Strengths
  • Emotional depth
  • Tension-building dialogue
  • Character development
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Slightly predictable plot twists
Critique
  • The dialogue between Jack and Marla feels a bit forced and lacks natural flow. It comes across as overly dramatic and melodramatic, which may not resonate well with the audience.
  • The interaction between Jack and Marla could benefit from more subtlety and nuance. The emotions and tensions between them could be portrayed in a more understated and realistic manner.
  • The revelation of Jack warning Marla about her life being in danger feels abrupt and out of place. It could be set up more effectively to create a sense of suspense and intrigue.
  • The scene lacks a clear resolution or climax, leaving the audience hanging without a satisfying conclusion to the interaction between Jack and Marla.
  • The transition from Jack trying to warn Marla about danger to her abruptly leaving the diner feels disjointed and could be smoothed out for better continuity.
Suggestions
  • Consider revising the dialogue to make it more natural and authentic, focusing on subtlety and realism in the interactions between Jack and Marla.
  • Build up the tension and suspense leading to Jack's warning to Marla about her safety, creating a more gradual and impactful reveal.
  • Work on providing a clearer resolution or climax to the scene, giving the audience a sense of closure and satisfaction in the interaction between Jack and Marla.
  • Smooth out the transition between different beats in the scene to improve the flow and coherence of the narrative.
  • Explore different ways to convey the emotions and conflicts between Jack and Marla, allowing for more depth and complexity in their relationship dynamics.



Scene 43 -  Desperate Plea and a Shocking Revelation
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 8
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXT. DINER - MOMESTS LATER

Jack pushes out the door, files under one arm, catching up...

JACK
I can't explain. You wouldn't
believe me anyway. I'm trying to
protect you...

Jack grabs her arm, tries to hail a TAXI, but the taxi races
past. Marla pulls free, screaming at him...,

MARLA
Let go of me!

JACK
Do this for me, Marla. Do this for
me, if you never do anything else...

Jack spots a BUS idling further up the street.

MARLA
Leave me alone! I don't ever want to
see you again!

JACK
Okay, if that's what it takes, you'll
never have to see me again.
(digs in his pocket)
Here... here...

He pulls MONEY from his pocket, holding it out.

JACK
Take this money, get on this bus...
(pointing to bus)
Get on, and I promise you, I'll never
bother you again, if that's what you
want. Please...
Marla looks at Jack, numb.

MARLA
Tyler...

JACK
I'm begging you. Get on the bus.
Get on the bus.

Marla takes the money from Tyler, walks towards the bus. As
they approach it, Jack shields his eyes, afraid to look...

MARLA
Why are you doing this?

JACK
I can't let myself see where you're
going. Go wherever it takes you,
remember... keep away from major
cities...

Marla stands at the doors of the bus, heartbroken, gives one
last look at Jack.

MARLA
(holds up the money)
I'm not paying this back. I consider
it "asshole tax."

JACK
Yes, fine. Just, get on. Stay away
a couple of weeks, at least.

Jack's still covering his eyes. Marla gets on the bus.

MARLA
Tyler...

Jack finally looks to her.

MARLA
You are the worst thing that ever
happened to me.

DOORS HISS SHUT. The BUS LEAVES, heading away. Jack seems
relieved. Then, a SCREAM is HEARD from MARLA...

Jack turns, looks... THROUGH THE BUS WINDOWS: the bus is
filled with BALD MEN IN BLACK: Space Monkeys.

Jack SPRINTS after the bus...
The bus speeds away. Onboard, Space Monkeys subdue Marla.

Jack falls to the asphalt, rolls, files-flying.

JACK
Son of a bitch!

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

Jack RUNS to the front desk, crazed, dumps the armload of
files on the desk in front of the DESK SERGEANT...

JACK
(loudly)
I want you to arrest me. I'm the
leader of a terrorist organization
responsible for acts of vandalism all
over the city. Detective Stern in
arson knows who I am...
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Jack attempts to justify his actions to Marla, but his pleas fall on deaf ears. In a desperate attempt to protect her, he offers her money to leave town. Marla accepts and boards a bus, but as it pulls away, Jack notices sinister figures inside. He chases after the bus in vain, and returns to the police station with his files, demanding to be arrested.
Strengths
  • Intense emotional conflict
  • Revelation of Space Monkeys
  • Desperate sacrifice by Jack
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may come off as melodramatic
Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of Jack's motivations and actions. It is unclear why Jack is so desperate to protect Marla and why he suddenly wants her to leave town.
  • The dialogue between Jack and Marla feels forced and lacks depth. The emotional tension between them could be better portrayed through more nuanced dialogue.
  • The transition from Jack trying to protect Marla to suddenly offering her money to leave town feels abrupt and unnatural. The scene could benefit from a smoother progression of events.
  • The visual elements in the scene could be enhanced to create a more vivid and engaging setting. Descriptions of the diner, the street, and the bus could be more detailed to immerse the reader in the scene.
  • The emotional impact of Marla's departure and the revelation of the bus filled with Space Monkeys could be heightened with more effective pacing and build-up throughout the scene.
Suggestions
  • Clarify Jack's motivations for wanting Marla to leave town and make his actions more consistent with his character development throughout the script.
  • Revise the dialogue between Jack and Marla to add depth and authenticity to their interactions. Focus on conveying the emotional tension between them more effectively.
  • Consider restructuring the scene to create a more natural progression of events, leading to Marla's departure in a more organic and believable way.
  • Enhance the visual descriptions in the scene to create a more immersive and vivid setting for the reader. Pay attention to details that can enhance the atmosphere and mood of the scene.
  • Work on pacing and building tension throughout the scene to maximize the emotional impact of Marla's departure and the revelation of the bus filled with Space Monkeys.



Scene 44 -  Interrogation Turns Violent
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - LATER

Detective Stern and THREE DETECTIVES stand, staring at Jack,
who's seated. On the table are the phone bill and files.

JACK
There are probably several hundred
members in the metropolitan area.
Chapters are sprouting in at least
five other major cities. They're
tightly-regimented, with many cells
capable of operating without a
central leader. Check this address:
1537 Paper Street. You'll find the
body of Robert Paulson buried in the
garden. You'll also find numerous
tubs used to make gallons of
nitroglycerin. The plan, I believe,
is to blow up these credit card
headquarters and the TRW building.

STERN
Why these buildings?

JACK
You are not your job. You are not
how much money you have in the bank.

STERN
(to other detectives)
Keep him talking.
Stern leaves. A beat, then, the remaining Detectives smile
at Jack with REVERENCE.

FLAT-TOP DETECTIVE
I really admire what you're doing.
You're a brave man to order this.

JACK
What?

REDHEAD DETECTIVE
You're a genius, sir.

They grab Jack and force him on his back on the table.
Flat-Top has a rubber band; the Bald Detective has a knife.

BALD DETECTIVE
You know the drill. You said if
anyone ever tries to interfere with
Project Mayhem, even you, we got to
get his balls.

Flat-Top PULLS Jack's pants completely off, tosses them
aside. Jack SCREAMS. Flat-Top holds his legs.

FLAT-TOP
It's useless to fight.

REDHEAD
This is really a powerful gesture,
Mr. Durden. It'll set quite an
example.

JACK
No... you're making a mistake!

FLAT-TOP
You told us you'd say that.

JACK
I'm not Tyler Durden!

BALDY
You told us you'd say that, too.

JACK
Okay, I am Tyler Durden and I'm
ordering you to abort the mission!

FLAT-TOP
You said you would definitely say
that.
BALDY
What's our best time for a "cut and
run?"

FLAT-TOP
Four minutes.

BALDY
Is somebody timing this?

REDHEAD
(looks at his watch)
Wait till the second hand gets to the
twelve.

A KNOCK at the door. Flat-Top slaps a hand over Jack's
mouth. He and Redhead block view of the table as Baldy
opens the door a crack. Stern mutters:

STERN
Some of this info checks out. Let's
go to the place on Paper Street.

Baldy glances back at the other Detectives, leaves, closing
the door. The two remaining Detectives continue. Jack kicks
and screams and writhes. The Detectives wrangle him, but
with more difficulty, now that Baldy's gone.

REDHEAD
(checking his watch)
Mr. Durden, you're going to fuck up
the time!

Jack gets one leg free, KICKS, knocks Flat-top backwards --
Flat-Top SLAMS the wall, falls. Redhead lets go of one of
Jack's arms, jams his elbow into Jack's throat... cutting
off the airway. Jack's face reddens... he's choking...

Jack's free hand reaches, searching.. pulls Redhead's GUN
and points it at him. Redhead backs off. Jack gets up,
gasping for air, PISTOL-WHIPS Flat-top as he rises.

Jack grabs one of the files off the table.

EXT. POLICE STATION - DAY

Jack, without pants, in BOXER SHORTS, escapes out the BACK
DOOR. He looks at the ADDRESS on the file folder.

EXT. STREET
Jack SPRINTS down the middle of the street, gun in hand,
looking like a complete madman. Cars almost hit him.

EXT. BANK BUILDING - LATER

Jack, sweating and panting, stops, looks... then heads
toward the BUILDING with the address "1888."

EXT. 1888 LOBBY

Jack tries the door. Locked. He lifts a cast iron bench,
runs forward -- RAMS it into the glass. The bench
immediately recoils from the glass, SLAMS Jack's groin!
Jack falls to his knees, doubled over, holding his package.
Then, he rises, SHOOTS the glass...

INT. 1888 LOBBY

Jack pushes through the broken glass. He sprints for the
"PARKING" door...

INT. GROUND LEVEL - PARKING

Jack enters, looks -- NO CARS. He bolts to the STAIRS...
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Jack divulges crucial information about a terrorist organization's bombing plot. Detectives, initially impressed, attempt to torture him but are met with resistance. Jack fights back, escapes, and heads towards an undisclosed location.
Strengths
  • Intense atmosphere
  • Revealing dialogue
  • High-stakes conflict
Weaknesses
  • Graphic violence
  • Confusing plot twists
Critique
  • The scene is intense and suspenseful, with a sense of urgency and desperation that is effectively conveyed.
  • The dialogue between Jack and the detectives is engaging and keeps the audience on edge, revealing the tension and power dynamics at play.
  • The physical struggle and violence in the scene add to the intensity and showcase the high stakes of the situation.
  • The revelation of Jack being mistaken for Tyler Durden adds a layer of complexity and confusion to the scene, creating a sense of chaos and uncertainty.
  • The scene effectively builds towards a climactic moment of Jack's escape and pursuit of the address on the file folder.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal conflict and emotional turmoil for Jack as he grapples with the consequences of his actions and the revelation of being mistaken for Tyler Durden.
  • Explore deeper into the motivations and backgrounds of the detectives to add layers to their characters and enhance the tension in the scene.
  • Provide more context and backstory on the terrorist organization and their plans to blow up buildings to further engage the audience and create a sense of impending danger.
  • Consider incorporating more visual cues and descriptions to enhance the suspense and intensity of the scene, such as the setting of the interrogation room and the physical struggle between Jack and the detectives.
  • Focus on the aftermath of Jack's escape and how it impacts the overall plot and character development moving forward.



Scene 45 -  Confrontation in the Parking Lot
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 9
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. TOP-LEVEL PARKING AREA - SEVENTH FLOOR

Jack enters, heaving. Again, NO CARS. He moves from one
SUPPORT POST to another, searching. He finally spies,
across the garage, NINE LARGE CANISTERS, heavily-WIRED.

Jack runs to the BOMB, frantic. He walks around it.
There's a DIGITAL CLOCK, ticking down from "10:05"...

Jack moves to pull the lid off one CANISTER, looks inside..

TYLER
Could be worse...

Jack looks -- Tyler's seated, his back against one post.

TYLER
You could be standing under 37
stories of steel and concrete with a
150 gallons of nitroglycerin strapped
to the support... oh, maybe it
couldn't be...

JACK
(points at bomb)
You... you can't be serious about
this.
TYLER
What a ridiculous thing to say.

JACK
I can't let you...

TYLER
...go through with this?
What are you going to do?

JACK
I'm going to...

TYLER
...stop me?

JACK
I'm not going...

TYLER
...to let this happen!

JACK
Stop finishing...

TYLER
...your sentences! They're
our sentences. Get your mind around
that.

Tyler gets up walks to Jack.

TYLER
What are you doing running through
the streets in your underpants? We
both use that body.

JACK
Since when is Project Mayhem about
murder?

TYLER
The buildings were evacuated thirty
minutes ago. Everything's proceeding
exactly as planned.

JACK
You don't know that. There could
still be people inside.

Tyler keeps walking around, crosses his arms.
TYLER
Maybe. Maybe a couple of guys with
shaved heads couldn't synchronize
their watches. Good riddance.

Jack looks back to the BOMB, goes to it, wipes sweat off his
face. He starts finger the MANY WIRES, sorting them.

TYLER
I wouldn't be doing that. Unless you
know which wires, in what order...

JACK
If you know, I know.

Jack holds his gun under one armpit, uses both hands to go
through the tangle of colored wires.

TYLER
Or... maybe I knew you'd know, so I
spent the whole day thinking about
the wrong ones.

Jack chooses one wire, GREEN, holds it in his fingers.

JACK
If I'm wrong, we're both dead..

TYLER
This is not about martyrdom.

Jack twists the GREEN WIRE around his finger.

JACK
I'm pulling the green wire.

TYLER
Green? Did you say green?

Tyler comes a little closer, leaning to try to get a look,
seems genuinely concerned.

JACK
Yes...

TYLER
Don't pull the green wire. Pull
anything but the green wire.

JACK
Fuck you.
TYLER
I'm serious. That's the wrong one.

Jack's unsure, swallowing, pulling the wire taunt, fingers
trembling. The SOUND of a VEHICLE is HEARD from below...

TYLER
Hear that? Marla's here. Just in
the nick of time, eh?

Jack looks to Tyler. Tyler points towards the SOUND...

TYLER
See for yourself.

Jack releases the wire, walks to a RAILING, gun in hand,
keeps an eye on Tyler. Jack looks over the railing...

BELOW, a BUS idles. The doors open and MARLA'S dragged out,
kicking and screaming, carried by SIX SPACE MONKEYS...

MARLA
You motherfuckers...

They carry Marla into the BUILDING'S ENTRANCE.

Jack leans against the railing, exhausted.

TYLER
I've got everything. The bombs. The
army. I've got Marla.

JACK
Bob is dead, Tyler. The police blew
a hole in his head. Was that part of
your plan?

Tyler thinks, shrugs.

TYLER
Bob was a grown man. In any great
struggle, there will be casualties.
Wouldn't that be implicit in the
name? Project "Mayhem."

JACK
Fuck your struggle. I want out.

TYLER
You want out?
JACK
I quit.

TYLER
Not an option, for the most obvious
of reasons. You need to get with the
program.
(looks at his watch)
Seven minutes. Let's get out of here.

Tyler's walks away. Jack looks at the gun in his hand. He
points the gun at Tyler...

JACK
Tyler...

TYLER
(still walking away)
What?

JACK
(COCKS the gun)
Defuse the bomb.

Tyler stops walking.

TYLER
Ask me nicely.

JACK
Defuse the bomb, please.

TYLER
Defuse the bomb?

JACK
Yes.

Tyler strides towards the BOMB. Jack trains the gun...

JACK
Please.

Tyler looks at the BOMB, reaches over to it. He grips the
GREEN WIRE, yanks it out -- the CLOCK STOPS.

Jack lowers his gun.

TYLER
I did that for you. As a gesture.
Now, how fast can you run? There are
ten other bombs, in ten other
buildings in the immediate area. If
you're going to get them all, you
better get cracking.
(looks at watch)
Six minutes. Green wires, remember.
I'll be upstairs.

Jack's stunned. Tyler walks across the parking garage, past
Jack, heading for the STAIRS.

Jack aims the gun at Tyler's back, FIRES!

Tyler ducks to one side, impossibly quick, avoiding...

Tyler spins to face Jack.

TYLER
Whoa! What was that all about?

Jack aims... FIRES!

Tyler DODGES behind a post as the BULLET THROWS CONCRETE.

Jack edges forward, gun held in both hands, moves around the
post... Tyler is NOT THERE. Jack turns, takes slow steps,
moving the gun from side to side...

Suddenly, a FIST ENTERS FRAME -- SLUGS Jack's face.

Jack falls. The gun goes CLATTERING across the floor...

Jack turns, looking... Tyler's GONE. Jack looks to the gun,
scrambles to his feet, running to pick up the gun...

Tyler KICKS Jack in the chest, sends Jack sprawling.

Jack rolls, holding his chest. He looks up, sees Tyler run
into the STAIRWELL. Jack grabs the gun and follows...
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Jack discovers a bomb in a parking lot and confronts Tyler, who reveals his plan involving multiple bombs. Jack attempts to defuse the bomb but is stopped by Tyler, who challenges him to find and defuse the others.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Emotional depth
  • Suspenseful pacing
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may feel slightly melodramatic
Critique
  • The scene is intense and suspenseful, with a good build-up of tension between Jack and Tyler.
  • There is a clear conflict between Jack's desire to stop the bomb and Tyler's insistence on carrying out the plan.
  • The dialogue between Jack and Tyler is engaging and reveals their conflicting motivations and beliefs.
  • The visual descriptions effectively set the scene and create a sense of urgency and danger.
  • The twist with Marla being brought in by the Space Monkeys adds an unexpected element to the scene.
  • The action sequences are well-written and keep the reader engaged.
  • The scene effectively sets up the stakes for the final confrontation between Jack and Tyler.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more internal conflict for Jack as he grapples with the decision to stop Tyler and the consequences of his actions.
  • Explore the emotional impact of Bob's death on Jack and how it influences his decisions in this scene.
  • Provide more insight into Tyler's motivations and reasoning behind his plan to set off the bombs.
  • Consider adding more tension and suspense as Jack tries to defuse the bomb and stop Tyler.
  • Ensure the resolution of the scene is satisfying and sets up the climax of the story effectively.



Scene 46 -  Confrontation in the Lobby
  • Overall: 8.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 7
  • Dialogue: 6
INT. STAIRWELL

Jack smashes the door open. The stairwell's empty. Jack
RUNS up a flight of stairs, kicks open ANOTHER DOOR...

INT. MAIN LOBBY

Jack steps forward, gun up... TWO INTERLOCKED HANDS SLAM
down onto his head. Jack drops to the floor.

Tyler backs away, laughing. Jack gets to his feet, aims his
gun...
TYLER
Fire at will.

Jack clenches his teeth, FIRING -- nothing happens to Tyler.
Jack FIRES TWICE -- no effect. Tyler raises his arms.

TYLER
What did you expect?

Jack charges. Tyler dodges, PUNCHES, knocks the gun out of
Jack's hand. They FIGHT, trading PUNCHES, grappling, taking
each other to the floor...

CUT TO:

INT. SECURITY OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Banks of SECURITY MONITORS sit unmanned.

ON ONE MONITOR: Jack is seen in the lobby, on the floor,
alone, wrestling himself. He swings his left hand up,
punching empty air, then swings his right hand -- PUNCHING
himself in the side of the head...

INT. MAIN LOBBY

Tyler and Jack fight viciously, bloodied. Tyler manages to
get his hands around Jack's throat, starts BANGING Jack's
head against the floor...

SECURITY MONITOR P.O.V.

... Jack's got his hands around his own throat, BANGING his
own head against the floor, over and over...

INT. MAIN LOBBY

Jack manages to break Tyler's grip, KICKS Tyler away.
Tyler springs to his feet, RUNS, heading for a STAIRCASE.

Jack gets up, breathing hard, holding his head, follows...

ON THE STAIRS, Tyler reaches the LOFT LEVEL, above the
lobby, disappears around a corner. Jack's right behind,
turning the corner -- Tyler's NOT THERE.

Jack receives a SHARP SLAP on the back of the head. He
wheels. Tyler isn't there. A TAP on his shoulder. Jack
turns around -- WHAM! -- Tyler PUNCHES his face. Jack falls
against the loft railing. Tyler comes forward, SWINGS...

SECURITY MONITOR P.O.V.
Jack PUNCHES himself square in the nose!

INT. MAIN LOBBY

Jack's dazed. Tyler grabs Jack's shirt, pulls him forward,
SWINGS HIM -- THROWS him DOWN THE STAIRS...

Jack TUMBLES horribly down... HITS BOTTOM, striking his head
on the floor. Jack PASSES OUT...

FADE TO BLACK:
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Jack and Tyler engage in a fierce fight in the main lobby. Despite Jack's gunshots, Tyler remains unaffected and taunts him. The fight intensifies, leaving both men bloodied. Tyler gains the upper hand and throws Jack down the stairs, knocking him unconscious.
Strengths
  • Intense conflict
  • Psychological depth
  • Emotional impact
Weaknesses
  • Minimal dialogue
  • Potentially confusing for some viewers
Critique
  • The scene is intense and action-packed, but it may be confusing for the audience to follow the physical interactions between Jack and Tyler.
  • The fight sequence between Jack and Tyler could be more visually descriptive to enhance the reader's understanding of the action.
  • The use of the security monitor POV is a creative touch, but it may need to be clearer in its execution to avoid confusion.
  • The dialogue between Jack and Tyler could be more impactful and revealing of their inner thoughts and motivations during the fight.
  • There is a lack of emotional depth in the scene, which could be improved by delving into the characters' internal struggles and conflicts.
Suggestions
  • Consider adding more descriptive language to the fight scenes to make the action more vivid and engaging for the reader.
  • Clarify the use of the security monitor POV to ensure that the audience can easily follow the parallel actions of Jack and Tyler.
  • Enhance the dialogue between Jack and Tyler to reveal their emotional states and motivations more clearly.
  • Explore the internal thoughts and conflicts of Jack and Tyler to add depth and complexity to the scene.
  • Consider incorporating moments of vulnerability or reflection amidst the physical confrontation to add layers to the characters' dynamics.



Scene 47 -  Economic Collapse and Violent Confrontation
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 9
  • Dialogue: 8
INT. LARGE SOCIAL ROOM - TOP FLOOR

CLOSE ON: Jack's head jerks back as he SNAPS AWAKE. He
looks around, trying to focus his eyes...

JACK'S P.O.V. -- TRACKS in the sawdust of the floor, from
where his body was dragged across to where he is how.

CLOSE ON: Jack tries to comprehend. He turns his head --
TYLER'S HAND brings the GUN up, PUTS THE GUN IN JACK'S
MOUTH. Jack freezes, looks around with his eyes...

PULL BACK TO:

Tyler is seated in Jack's lap. Tyler holds the gun in
Jack's mouth, his arm around him. This huge room is being
remodeled. Tyler and Jack are seated near floor-to-ceiling
windows affording a spectacular view of the CITY.

Tyler looks at his watch.

TYLER
One minute.

JACK (V.O.)
I think this is about where we came
in.

TYLER
(looking out window)
This is the beginning. We're at
ground zero. Maybe you should say a
few words, to mark the occasion.

JACK
i... ann....iinn.. ff....nnyin...

Jack tongues the barrel to the side of his mouth.
JACK
(still distorted)
I still can't think of anything.

Tyler checks his watch.

TYLER
It's getting exciting now.

Jack turns, so he can see down -- 31 STORIES.

TYLER
Look what we've accomplished.
(checks watch)
Thirty seconds.
(looks out windows)
Out these windows, we will view the
economic collapse. One step closer
to global equilibrium. I'm glad
you're here with me.

Tyler watches the skyline, WHISTLES at tune, waiting.

JACK
(distorted)
Can't you call it off... ?

TYLER
It's out of our hands.
(looks at watch)
This is it.

JACK
Please...

TYLER
Fifteen seconds now. Can you see
alright? 10... 9... 8....

Tyler looks out the windows, at SURROUNDING BUILDINGS,
excited. Jack closes his eyes, despairing.

TYLER
5... 4... 3... 2...

Out the window, the SKYLINE remains unchanged. Nothing. A
long beat. A very dark scowl comes over Tyler's face.

Jack opens his eyes. More waiting. Tyler looks genuinely
surprised, pissed-off.

TYLER
What the fuck -- ?

JACK
Paraffin.

TYLER
What?

JACK
(relieved)
Paraffin. Your merry band mixed the
nitro with paraffin. I saw it
floating in the bomb.
(more)

JACK (cont)
They must've run out of cotton and
Epsom salt. Paraffin is iffy at best.

Tyler rises, taking the gun from Jack's mouth, starts
pacing. Jack rubs his sore jowls, allows himself a smile.

TYLER
Damn it! God-damn it...

JACK
Not exactly according to plan.

TYLER
Do we have to do everything
ourselves?!

Tyler stops walking, lets out a sigh of disgust. He reaches
into his pocket, taking out a WALKIE TALKIE.

TYLER
(into WALKIE TALKIE)
... Codename Rooster. Passcode First
Strike...

Jack's eyes go wide.

JACK
NO...

TYLER
(into WALKIE TALKIE)
Proceed with remote detonation.

Jack leaps -- TACKLES Tyler. The GUN is knocked away. Jack
STRIKES Tyler's face repeatedly with his elbow, scrambles
off...
Jack gets the gun, turns, pointing it. Tyler's getting to
his feet, sees the gun, annoyed. Jack stands.

TYLER
Haven't we already done this?

Jack SHOOTS TWICE. Bullets pass right thorough Tyler.
Tyler just rolls his eyes, drops the walkie-talkie to the
floor and STOMPS on it, CRUSHING it.

JACK
(pointing)
How'd you do that?! You're a fucking
figment of my imagination... you're
psychogenic fugue state...

TYLER
Fuck that, maybe you're my
hallucination.

Jack falters, pointing at Tyler's feet. There's no walkie-
talkie there. Jack looks down, sees the WALKIE-TALKIE
CRUSHED under his own foot.

JACK
Oh... Christ...

Jack holds his head, walks around, at his wit's end.

JACK
Why... why... why... ?

TYLER
Why what?

JACK
Why can't I get rid of you? Why
can't I just wish you away?

TYLER
You need me.

JACK
No, no, I don't.
(pause)
I thank you, I really do. Thank you,
but I don't need you anymore.

TYLER
Look, I can be selfish, I know that.
(pause)
I'm not blind to my own failings...

JACK
Noooo, please...

Jack backs up against a window, numb and weary.

TYLER
From now on, we'll share Marla.
We've been spending too much time
apart...

JACK
... no, no, no...

TYLER
No more running off without you.
From here on out, we do it together.

JACK
Why are you doing this?!

TYLER
I'm doing this for us.

JACK
Please understand... I've gotten all
I can from this, Tyler.

TYLER
(sullen)
If I leave, you will be right back
where I found you...

JACK
I swear on my life, I won't...

TYLER
You will. You know you will.

Jack stares at Tyler, tears welling up, hangs his head. He
looks at the gun in his hand...

TYLER
Can you live with that?

Jack stares at the gun a long time... then...

Jack brings the gun up, PUTS THE GUN IN HIS MOUTH.

Tyler cocks his head.
TYLER
What are you doing?

JACK
What have you left for me?

TYLER
Why do you want to do that? Why do
you want to put that gun in your
mouth?

JACK
Not my mouth. Our mouth.

Tyler is calm.

TYLER
This is interesting.

Tyler smiles in appreciation, slowly walks forward, stands
very close to Jack.

TYLER
Why are you going with this, Ikea-
boy?

JACK
It's the only way to get rid of you...

Jack COCKS the hammer on the gun.

TYLER
I can see you feel very strongly. I
feel strongly too.
(pause)
Hey, you and me.
(pause)
Friends again?

Their eyes are locked, unblinking. Long silence.

JACK
Do something for me.

TYLER
What?

JACK
Appreciate something.

TYLER
What?
JACK
Look at me...

TYLER
What?

JACK
My eyes are open.
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller"]

Summary Jack awakens in a social room, Tyler holding a gun in his mouth. Tyler reveals their plan to witness the economic collapse from the windows. Jack attempts to deter Tyler, noticing a faulty bomb. Enraged, Tyler tries to detonate it remotely. Jack tackles him, shooting Tyler, but the bullets pass through. Tyler explains Jack's inability to eliminate him. Desperate, Jack considers suicide, but Tyler dissuades him. They agree to share Marla and collaborate.
Strengths
  • Intense dialogue
  • Emotional depth
  • High stakes
  • Character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some repetitive dialogue
  • Occasional confusion in the action sequences
Critique
  • The scene lacks clarity in terms of the characters' motivations and the overall purpose of the confrontation between Jack and Tyler.
  • The dialogue feels disjointed and lacks depth, making it difficult for the audience to fully engage with the scene.
  • The pacing of the scene is inconsistent, with moments of intense action followed by long periods of stagnant dialogue.
  • The emotional impact of the scene is diminished by the lack of character development and meaningful interactions between Jack and Tyler.
  • The resolution of the conflict between Jack and Tyler feels rushed and unsatisfying, leaving the audience with more questions than answers.
Suggestions
  • Clarify the motivations of Jack and Tyler in the scene to create a more compelling and coherent narrative.
  • Revise the dialogue to be more impactful and reflective of the characters' emotions and intentions.
  • Enhance the pacing of the scene by balancing action with meaningful dialogue and character interactions.
  • Develop the emotional depth of the scene by exploring the complex relationship between Jack and Tyler in more detail.
  • Consider restructuring the resolution of the conflict to provide a more satisfying and conclusive ending for the audience.



Scene 48 -  A Violent End
  • Overall: 9.0
  • Concept: 9
  • Plot: 8
  • Characters: 8
  • Dialogue: 7
EXTREME SLOW MOTION:

Jack's finger squeezes the trigger...

KABLAM! -- Jack's cheeks INFLATE with gas. His eyes bulge.
BLOOD flies out from his head. The WINDOW behind him
SHATTERS. SMOKE wafts out of his mouth and tear ducts.

RESUME NORMAL SPEED as the GLASS FALLS behind Jack...

Tyler stands, in gunsmoke, eyes glazed, sniffs the air...

TYLER
What's that smell... ?

Jack slumps to the floor... Tyler falls...

Tyler hits the ground. The back of TYLER'S HEAD is BLOWN
OPEN, revealing blood, skull and brain.

Suddenly, a GROUP of SPACE MONKEYS burst into the room,
moving forward to Jack. TYLER'S BODY IS GONE.

TALL SPACE MONKEY
Are you all right, sir... ?!

Jack quakes, holding the side of his head; a ragged hole
blown in his CHEEK. He's bleeding hard, but he's alive.

JACK
I'm okay...

Jack looks to the Space Monkeys, trying to get his eyes to
see. TWO SPACE MONKEYS enter with Marla. One holds a gun
to Marla as she struggles.

SHORT SPACE MONKEY
Are you sure? You look terrible,
sir! What's happened?

JACK
Everything's fine.
ANOTHER SPACE MONKEY
Sir, you look really awful! Do you
need medical assistance?

Jack sees Marla, tries to get to his feet, falls...

JACK
Bring the girl to me. The rest of
you get out. Now!

The Monkeys bring Marla, releasing her, saluting.

MARLA
What happened... ?

JACK
Don't ask.

Marla crouches, takes out wadded TISSUES and tries to apply.
them to Jack's wound. Space Monkeys are leaving, hesitantly.

JACK
Get to the rendezvous point. Move it!

Jack and Marla are left alone.

MARLA
My God, you're shot...

JACK
Yes.

Jack tries to got up. Marla helps him.

MARLA
Who did this to you?

JACK
I did, I think. But, I'm okay... I'm
fine...

MASSIVE EXPLOSION... the glass walls rattle...

Jack and Marla look -- OUT THE WINDOWS: a BUILDING EXPLODES;
collapsing upon itself. Then, ANOTHER BUILDING IMPLODES
into a massive cloud of dust. Jack and Marla are
silhouetted against the SKYLINE. Jack looks to Marla,
reaches to take her hand.

JACK
I'm sorry... you met me at a very
strange time in my life.

Marla looks at him. ANOTHER BUILDING IMPLODES and COLLAPSES
inward... and ANOTHER BUILDING... and ANOTHER...

The FILM SLOWS, then ADVANCES ONE FRAME at a TIME -- SHOWING
SPROCKET HOLES on the SIDES. EACH FRAME is an IMPLODING
BUILDING -- then, ONE FRAME IS A PENIS. Then, the IMPLODING
BUILDING again. SPEED UP the frames, LOSE the sprocket
holes, RESUME NORMAL SPEED...

FADE TO BLACK:

end

------------------------
Genres: ["Drama","Thriller","Action"]

Summary In this chaotic scene, Jack accidentally shoots himself in the head, triggering a series of violent events. Tyler is killed, and Space Monkeys rush in to aid Jack, but he orders them away. With Marla's assistance, he tends to his wound as explosions erupt outside. Jack apologizes to Marla for the tumultuous time in his life.
Strengths
  • Intense action
  • Emotional depth
  • Complex character dynamics
Weaknesses
  • Some dialogue may be overly dramatic
Critique
  • The scene is filled with intense and graphic violence, which may be disturbing to some viewers.
  • The use of extreme slow motion and detailed descriptions of the violent actions can be overwhelming and may detract from the overall impact of the scene.
  • The dialogue between Jack and the Space Monkeys feels somewhat forced and lacks authenticity, especially considering the chaotic and violent situation.
  • The sudden appearance of the Space Monkeys and their interactions with Jack and Marla could be better developed to create a more believable and engaging dynamic.
  • The visual imagery of the exploding buildings and the interspersed frames of a penis may come across as gratuitous and unnecessary, potentially overshadowing the emotional impact of the scene.
Suggestions
  • Consider toning down the graphic violence and focusing more on the emotional and psychological impact of the events unfolding.
  • Streamline the dialogue to make it more realistic and reflective of the characters' emotions and motivations.
  • Develop the interactions between Jack, Marla, and the Space Monkeys to add depth and complexity to the scene.
  • Reconsider the use of visual imagery such as the exploding buildings and interspersed frames to ensure they enhance the narrative rather than detract from it.
  • Focus on the resolution and emotional closure between Jack and Marla to provide a more satisfying conclusion to their story.